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NUGGETS FOR TRAVELLERS 
 
 Scottish Anecdotes 
 
Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive 
 
 in 2011 witii funding from 
 
 LYRASIS members and Sloan Foundation 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/scottishjestsaneOOGham 
 
Scottish ^ ^, 
 
 Jests and en 
 
 Anecdotes e5 
 
 Collected by 
 
 ROBERT CHAMBERS 
 
 WILLIAM PATERSON 
 14 Clyde Street, Edinburgh 
 

 i3S(:>e 
 
SCOTTISH ANECDOTES. 
 
 EDINBURGH LAWYERS. 
 
 THE Edinburgh lawyers of a century ago were 
 a race very much addicted to hard drinking. 
 Drinking, indeed, intruded itself into every scene 
 of their lives ; and, as much of their business was 
 necessarily performed in taverns, on account of the 
 wretched accommodations of their own houses in the 
 old town, the ink-glass and the claret-stoup were 
 alike dear to them ; and they could scarcely attempt 
 to take a supply from the one, but the pen was in 
 danger of being immersed in the other. vSome anec- 
 dotes illustrating these habits may be acceptable. 
 
 A gentleman was one night engaged with a judge 
 in a tremendous bouse, which lasted all night, and 
 till within a single hour of the time when the court 
 was to meet next morning. The two cronies had little 
 more than time to wash themselves in their respec- 
 tive houses, when they had to meet again, in their 
 professional capacities of judge and pleader, in the 
 Parliament House. Mr Clerk, it appears, had, in the 
 
 A 
 
,2 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 hurry of his toilet, thrust the pack of cards he had 
 been using over night into the pocket of his gown ; 
 and thus, as he was about to open the pleading, in 
 pulling out his handkerchief, he also pulled out fifty- 
 two witnesses of his last night's debauch, which fell 
 scattered within the bar. ' Mr Clerk,' said his judi- 
 cial associate in guilt, with the utmost coolness, ' be- 
 fore ye begin, I think ye had better tak up your hand.' 
 
 An equally wet and witty barrister, one Saturday 
 encountered an equally Bacchanalian senatorial friend, 
 in the course of a walk to Leith. Remembering that 
 be had a good gigot of mutton roasting for dinner, 
 he invited his friend to accompany him home ; and 
 they accordingly dined together, secundum ino^-evt 
 solitum. After dinner was over, wine and cards com- 
 menced ; and, as the two friends were alike fond of 
 each of these recreations, neither ever thought of re- 
 minding the other of the advance of time, till the 
 church bell next day disturbed them in their darkened 
 chamber about a quarter before eleven o'clock. The 
 
 judge then rising to depart, Mr walked behind 
 
 him to the outer door, with a candle in each hand, 
 by way of showing him out. 'Tak care, my lord, 
 tak care,' cried the kind host, most anxiously holding 
 the candles out of the door into the sunny streets, 
 along which the people were pouring churchwards ; 
 *Tak care ; there's twa steps.' 
 
 The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of those 
 days resorted were generally very obscure and mean — 
 at least such they would now appear ; and many of 
 them were so peculiarly situated in the profound re- 
 cesses of the old town, as to have no light from the 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 3 
 
 sun, so that the inmates had to use candles continually. 
 A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day 
 to drop into one of these dens ; and as they sat a 
 good while drinking, they at last forgot the time of 
 day. Taking their impressions from the candles, 
 they just supposed that they were enjoying an ordin- 
 ary evening debauch. ' Sirs,' said one of them at 
 last, 'it's time to rise: ye ken I'm a married man, 
 and should be early at home.' And so they all rose, 
 and prepared to stagger home through the lamp- 
 lighted streets; when, lo and behold ! on their emerg- 
 ing from the tavern, they suddenly found themselves 
 projected into the blaze of a summer afternoon, and, 
 at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand curious 
 eyes, which were directed with surprise to their tipsy 
 and negligent figures. 
 
 EXCEPTIO FORMAT REGULAM. 
 
 Soon after the publication of Mr Home's History of 
 the Rebellion ofi'j/^^, a clergyman, in Roxburghshire, 
 who had read the book, happened to mention, at a 
 Presbytery dinner, that the author gave a very amus- 
 ing account of the conduct of the volunteers who took 
 arms for the defence of Edinburgh against Prince 
 Charles's approaching army, none of whom, when 
 the hour of danger arrived, could be prevailed upon, 
 by their officer, to stir a step. Mr Patten, the min- 
 ister of Crailing, here interrupted his brother, with 
 good-humoured warmth, — 'Home,' said he, 'does not 
 play us fair there ; I can attest that I was one of seven 
 who marched to the Idlest Port I ' 
 
4 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TOWN AND 
 COUNTRY PREACHER. 
 
 The gentleman who has been rendered famous by 
 the pen of Burns, under the epithet of Ru?)ible John, 
 was one Sunday invited to preach in a parish church 
 in the Carse of Stirling, where, as there had been a 
 long course of dry weather, the farmers were begin- 
 ning to wish for a gentle shower, for the sake of their 
 crops, then on the eve of being ripe. Aware of this, 
 Mr Russel introduced a petition, according to custom, 
 into his last prayer, for a change of weather. He 
 prayed, it is said, that the windows of heaven might 
 be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground, and 
 fulfil the hopes of the husbandman. This was ask- 
 ing too much ; for, in reality, nothing was wanting 
 but a series of very gentle showers. As if to show 
 how bad a farmer he was, a thunder plump immedi- 
 ately came on, of so severe a character, that before 
 the congregation was dismissed, there was not an 
 upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Carse. The 
 farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and 
 that apparently by the ignorance of the clergyman, 
 shook their heads to one another as they afterwards 
 clustered about the churchyard ; and one old man was 
 heard to remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly 
 out, ' That lad may be very gude for the town, as they 
 say he is, but I'm clear that he disna understan ' M.? 
 kintra.^ 
 
 DAFT WILLIE LAW 
 
 Was the descendant of an ancient family, nearly re- 
 lated to the famous John Law of Laurieston, the 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 5 
 
 celebrated financier of France. Willie, on that ac- 
 count, was often spoken to, and taken notice of, by 
 gentlemen of distinction. Posting one day through 
 Kirkcaldy with more than ordinary speed, he was 
 Tnet by the late Mr Oswald of Dunnikier, who 
 asked him where he was going in such a hurry. 
 ' Going ! ' says Willie, with apparent surprise, ' I'm 
 gaen to my cousin Lord Elgin's burial. ' ' Your cousin 
 Lord Elgin's burial, you fool ; Lord Elgin's not dead ! ' 
 replied Mr Oswald. * Ah ! deil ma care, ' quoth Willie, 
 ' there's sax doctors out o' Embro' at 'im, and they'll 
 hae him dead afore I win forrit.' 
 
 CASTING REFLECTIONS. 
 
 In the late Professor Hill's class, the gilded buttons 
 of one of the students happened to reflect the rays of 
 the sun upon the Professor's face, who, as may be 
 supposed, ordered the gentleman to give over throw- 
 ing reflections on him. The student, totally ignorant 
 of the matter, with the utmost simplicity said, that 
 he would be the last in the class who would cast r*?- 
 flections on the Professor. 
 
 A CASE OF CONSCIENCE SOLVED. 
 
 After the contest betwixt Episcopacy and Presbytery 
 in Scotland had terminated in favour of the latter, 
 the Presbyterians got an Act passed in Parliament, 
 which was ordered to be read from every pulpit, 
 bearing, that whoever read it, bound themselves by 
 an oath to be Presbyterians, and whoever refused 
 to read the paper, were to be turned out of their 
 
6 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 kirks. A pious Episcopalian in the Highlands, 
 among the rest, received one of the papers, and 
 struggled long betwixt conscience and interest, with- 
 out coming to any decision ; and having no person in 
 his parish whom he could consult on the subject, ex- 
 cept an old woman, he at last resolved to take advan- 
 tage of the sage experience of this aged sibyl . Having 
 called one day, after the usual salutations were passed, 
 he proceeded to disclose the cause of his visit. * Will 
 your conscience allow you to read it to me?' says 
 Janet. ' I dare say it may,' replied the divine. ' Weel, 
 then I'll stop my wheel the time ye're reading it.' 
 After the divine had read the paper, ' Weel, sir,' says 
 Janet, ' there is just twa things to be considered ; the 
 tane is, if you read the paper, the deil gets into youi 
 conscience ; and if you dinna read it, a Presbyterian 
 gets into your kirk, an' a' the deils in hell '11 no drive 
 him out again.' The clergyman very prudently gave 
 the preference to the deil in his conscience. 
 
 DRY JOB. 
 
 Some time ago, an elderly matron, no way famed 
 for her liberality, employed the village mason to make 
 some alterations on the kitchen fireplace. During 
 the operations, John observed several times, that it 
 was a very stourie (dusty) job, and that he would no", 
 be the worse of something to synd (wash) it down. 
 The bottle was at length brought forward, along with 
 a small thistle glass, which was filled to a genteel and 
 respectful distance from the brim, and handed to the 
 mason. ' Ye'll no be muckle the waur o' that, I'm 
 thinkin', John,' says the lady, when he finished his 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 7 
 
 dram. 'Atweel no, mem,' said John, casting a con- 
 temptuous look on the dwarfish glass, ' although it 
 had been vitriol ! ' 
 
 A KEY TO THE RESURRECTION. 
 
 Dr John Brown, author of the Brownonian System 
 of Physic, a man of somewhat coarse manners, on 
 passing the monument of David Hume, in the Calton 
 Burying-ground, observed to a mason who was laying 
 a pavement stone for it, ' Friend,' said he, 'this is a 
 strong and massy building ; but how do you think 
 the honest gentleman can get out at the resurrec- 
 tion ? ' The mason archly replied, ' Sir, I have 
 secured that point, for I have put the key under the 
 door ! ' 
 
 HIGH STYLE. 
 
 The late Mr Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in 
 the Commissary Court of Edinburgh, used^ to talk in 
 a very pompous and inflated style of language 
 Having made an appointment with the late Hon- 
 ourable Henry Erskine, on some particular business, 
 and failing to attend, he apologised for it, by telling 
 the learned barrister that his brother, the Laird 
 of Balbirnie, in passing from one of his enclosures 
 to another, had fallen down from the stile and 
 sprained his ankle. This trifling accident he related 
 in language highly pedantic and bombastical. The 
 witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, ' It 
 was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it 
 was not from j/our style he fell, or he had broken his 
 neck, instead of spraining his ankle ! ' 
 
8 Scottish Anecdotes, 
 
 During the time the above gentleman presided in 
 Court, his sister, Miss Balfour, happened to be 
 examined as a witness in a cause then depending 
 before the Court. Andrew began in his pompous 
 way, by asking, ' Woman, what is thy name ? what 
 is thy age ? and where is thy usual place of resi- 
 dence ? ' To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only 
 replied, by staring him broad in the face ; when the 
 questions were again repeated, with all the grimace 
 and pedantry he was master of. Which the lady ob- 
 serving, said, ' Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer 
 ain sister ? ' To which the judge answered, ' Woman, 
 when I sit in this Court to administer justice, I 
 know no one, neither father nor mother, sister nor 
 brother ! ' 
 
 MR CLERK, LORD ELDIN. 
 
 This eccentric senator, so remarkable for his naif 
 expressions, being reminded of a remark which he 
 had formerly made upon a picture, but which he him- 
 self had forgot, inquired, 'Did I say that?' 'Yes.' 
 'Then, if I said that,' quoth the self-gratified wit, ' it 
 was deevilish gudeJ' 
 
 One day as he was limping down the High Street 
 of Edinburgh, from the Court of Session, he over- 
 heard a young lady saying to her companion rather 
 loudly, 'That's Mr Clerk, the lame lawyer.' Upon 
 which he turned round, and with his usual force of 
 expression, said, ' No, madam ; I am a lame man, 
 but not a lame lawyer.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 9 
 
 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PRESBYTERY AND 
 EPISCOPACY. 
 
 An innkeeper at St Andrews, in whose house the 
 clergy had dined both before and after the Revolution, 
 being asked what was the difference between the one 
 and the other, answered : * There was not much ; in 
 the time of Episcopacy, the dean used to call boldly 
 for a bottle of wine : afterwards, when Presbytery 
 came on the carpet, the moderator whispered the maid 
 to fetch a magnum boiium.' 
 
 LUTHER versus CALVIN. 
 
 Mr Cunningham, minister of the parish of Syming- 
 ton in Ayrshire, was a man of singularly convivial and 
 altogether very eccentric habits — if conviviality can be 
 called eccentric in a clergyman. He would often 
 mount the pulpit in a jockey-frock, a whip in his 
 hand, and a greyhound at his heels. Notwithstanding 
 these peculiarities, he had a most commendable zeal 
 for the honour of the Kirk of Scotland, as the follow- 
 ing anecdote will testify : —Being in Edinburgh at the 
 General Assembly, he heard of a clergyman of the 
 Church of England, who was supposed to be almost 
 equally devoted with himself to the worship of Bacchus. 
 Mr Cunningham invited his reverend brother to the 
 inn where he lodged, and accosted him in the follow- 
 ing manner : — Reverend brother, hearing that you are 
 a clergyman of the Church of England, who have no 
 objection to an occasional sacrifice to Bacchus, and as 
 I am a clergyman of the Church of Scotland, of 
 similar sentiments and disposition, I have sent for you, 
 that, if you have no objections, we may try the strength 
 
lo Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 of the two churches by an appeal to single combat 
 over a bottle of wine.' To this the other reverend 
 gentleman replied, that he had not the slightest objec- 
 tion to settle the dispute in the manner proposed ; and 
 to it they accordingly went. The field was long and 
 obstinately contested ; but prelacy at last betrayed 
 symptoms of defeat. Mr Cunningham then called in 
 the landlord with another bottle, when the Episco- 
 palian dropped from his seat beneath the table. Upon 
 that, Mr Cunningham roared out to his host, 'Land- 
 lord, I take you to witness that th^ Jus divinum is with 
 me. There lies Luther ; but here sits Calvin. ' 
 
 UNION OF LITERARY COMPOSITIONS. 
 
 At a large literary party in Edinburgh some years 
 ago, it was mentioned that a certain well-known liter- 
 ary character had written two poems, one called ' The 
 Bible,' the other ' The Ocean ; ' that he was offering 
 them to the booksellers, who, however, would not 
 accede to his terms of publication ; and that the 
 worthy author was therefore puzzled not a little as to 
 what he should do with his productions. * Why,' re- 
 marked a sarcastic gentleman, who was present, * I 
 think the doctor could not do better than throw the 
 one into the other. ' 
 
 A PUNSTER BOGGED. 
 
 Two Scotch country clergymen, one of whom was 
 an incessant punster, were going home one night 
 from a Presbytery dinner ; and it so happened that the 
 place where they had to take leave of each other for 
 the purpose of going to their several manses, was a 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. ii 
 
 spot of ground little better in character than a peat 
 moss. ' Well,' said one to the other, ' after you have 
 made so many puns to-night, I have only to beg that 
 you will make one more, and let it be on our parting 
 at this moment.' 'Nay,' said the other, and as he 
 spoke he affected to sink a little into the soft soil be- 
 neath his feet, ' you have fairly bogged vcat now.' 
 
 A CONSCIENTIOUS VALET. 
 
 A baronet in the west of Scotland, whose convivial 
 habits were well known to all who had the happiness 
 of his acquaintance, on one occasion, when in want of 
 a servant, was applied to by a man highly commended 
 for probity, good temper, etc., but who had the can- 
 dour to acknowledge that be was ' fond of his glass,' 
 in which he sometimes unhappily indulged. The bar- 
 onet was altogether so well pleased with the appear- 
 ance of the fellow that, notwithstanding his acknow- 
 ledged failing, he agreed to hire him for six months, 
 on the condition that he should never get drunk on 
 the same night with himself. After twelve weeks had 
 nearly elapsed, during which he conducted himself to 
 the satisfaction of every member of the family, he one 
 day came up to his master, and respectfully addressed 
 him thus : — ' I have come to tell your honour that I am 
 obliged to leave your service.' ' For what ? ' inquired 
 Sir J — . * Why, sir,' said the valet, ' you will remem- 
 ber that I agreed to become your servant on the ex- 
 press understanding that I was never togetyijwon the 
 same day with your honour. I have now been nearly 
 three months in your service, and during all that time 
 I have not had it ii* sny power to take an extra glass. 
 
12 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 Sir J — was so much pleased with the honest sim- 
 plicity of the fellow, that he forthwith ordered the 
 butler to give him three bottles of whisky, with in- 
 structions that he might have to himself as many days 
 to enjoy them. 
 
 MAKING A WIFE A NURSE. 
 
 A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day 
 to Bishop Alexander, of Dunkeld, and said he wished 
 to be married to a girl of the neighbourhood whom he 
 •named. The bishop, a non-juring Scotch Episco- 
 palian of the middle of the last century, and himself 
 an old bachelor, inquired into the motives of this 
 strange proceeding, and soon drew from the old man 
 the awkward apology, that he married to have a 
 nurse. Too knowing to believe such a statement, 
 the good bishop quietly replied, * See, John, then, 
 and mak her ane.' 
 
 HIGHLAND LAW AND JUSTICE. 
 
 During the temporary paralysis of the arm of the 
 law at Edinburgh, in consequence of the town being 
 possessed by Prince Charles's Highland army, the fol- 
 lowing ludicrous circumstance is said to have taken 
 place : — The landlady of a Highland sergeant, resi- 
 dent in the Grassmarket, one day came into his room, 
 exclaiming loudly against a neighbour, who, she said, 
 owed her eight shillings, and who had taken advan- 
 tage of the suspension of the laws to refuse payment. 
 * Confound the hale pack o' ye ! ' she concluded ; 
 'ever since ye cam here, there's been neither law nor 
 justice in the country. Charlie may be what he 
 
Scottish A?iccdotes. 15 
 
 likes; but he can ne'er be a gude king that prevents 
 puir folk frae getting their ain ! ' ' Say ye sae ? ' re- 
 plied the sergeant, in some little indignation, ' I can 
 tell ye, though, Prince Charlie has petter law and 
 chustice paith, than ever your Chordie had a' his tays. 
 Come alang ^S! me, and I'll let ye see ta cood law and 
 chustice too ! ' The landlady conducted her lodger 
 to the house of the debtor, which he entered with his 
 drawn sword ifi his hand. ' Mistress ! ' he said to the 
 recusant dame, 'do you pe awin this honest woman, 
 my landlaty, ta aught shilling ? ' ' And what although 
 I should ? ' was the answer ; ' what the muckle deevil 
 hae ye to do wi't ? ' ' I'll show you what I have to do 
 with it,' said the Highlander ; and mounting a cutty 
 stool, he proceeded with great nonchalance to depopu- 
 late the good woman's shelves of her shining pewter 
 plates, which he handed down one by one into his 
 landlady's apron, saying at every successive descent of 
 his arm, ' Tere's ta cood law and chustice too ! ' 
 Pewter plates were at that time the very penates of 
 a Scottish housewife of the lower order ; and when 
 the woman saw her treasured bink thus laid waste,. 
 she relented incontinent, and, forthwith proceeding 
 into another room to get the money, paid the land- 
 lady her debt ; in return for which she demanded 
 back her plates. The Highland J. P. replaced all 
 the goods in their shelves, except a few, which he 
 desired the landlady to carry home. ' What ! ' ex- 
 claimed the proprietrix, ' am I no to get a' my plates 
 back when I've paid my debt ? ' ' Tat you are not,' 
 quoth the sergeant, ' unless you give me ta other twa 
 shilling for laying the law upon you. ' This additional 
 
14 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 sum the poor woman was actually obliged to pay ; 
 and the Highlander then went home with his land- 
 lady, exclaiming all the way, ' Tere now's ta cood 
 law and chustice paith — petterthan ever your Chordie 
 had a' his tays ! ' 
 
 ANECDOTE OF JAMES V. 
 
 King James the Fifth, in one of his pedestrian tours, 
 is said to have called at the village of Markinch in 
 Fife, and, going into the only change-house, desired 
 to be furnished with some refreshment. The gude- 
 wife informed him that her only room was then en- 
 gaged by the minister and schoolmaster, but that she 
 believed they would have no objection to admit him 
 into their company. He entered, was made very 
 welcome, and began to drink with them. After a 
 tough debauch of several hours, during which he 
 succeeded in completely ingratiating himself with the 
 two parochial dignitaries, the reckoning came to be 
 paid, and James pulled out money to contribute his 
 share. The schoolmaster, on this, proposed to the 
 cleigyman that they should pay the whole, as the 
 other had only recently acceded to the company, 
 and was, moreover, entitled to their hospitality as a 
 stranger. ' Na, na, ' quoth the minister, ' I see nae 
 reason in that. This birkie maun just pay higglety- 
 pigglety wi' oursels. That's aye the law in Markinch. 
 Higglety-pigglety's the word.' The schoolmaster at- 
 tempted to repel this selfish and unjust reasoning ; 
 but the minister remained perfectly obdurate. King 
 James at last exclaimed, in a pet, ' Weel, weel, 
 higglety-pigglety be't ! ' and he immediately made 
 
Scottish Afiecdotes. 15 
 
 such arrangements as ensured an equality of stipend 
 to his two drinking companions ; thus testifying his 
 disgust at the meanness of the superior, and his ad- 
 miration of the generosity of the inferior functionary. 
 Till recent times the salaries of the minister and 
 schoolmaster of Markinch were nearly equal, — a thing 
 as singular as it may be surprising. Our authors for 
 this story, as Pitscottie would say, are fifteen different 
 clergymen, resident at different corners of the king- 
 dom, all of whom told it in the same way, adding, as 
 an attestation of their verity, that they heard it dis- 
 cussed in all its bearings, times innumerable, at the 
 breakfasts given by the Professor of Divinity ; on 
 which occasions, it seems, probationers are duly in- 
 formed of the various stipends, glebes, etc., of the 
 parishes of Scotland, as they are instructed, at another 
 period of the day, in the more solemn mysteries of 
 their profession. 
 
 PUN BY THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD. 
 
 Some literary and scientific gentlemen one day 
 dined with Mr Hogg at his farm of Mont Benger, 
 when it was mentioned by some one, as a strange 
 thing, that Dr Parr should have lately been married 
 in a somewhat clandestine way, and that nobody knew 
 who his wife was, or anything about her. 'Ah,' said 
 the shepherd, ' I am afraid she must have been a little 
 below Par.''* 
 
 CLEVER IMPROMPTU. 
 
 Mr Dewar, a shopkeeper at Edinburgh, being in 
 
 * Mr Hogg acknowledges this to be the only pun he ever 
 made. 
 
1 6 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 want of silver for a bank note, went into the shop 
 of a neighbour of the name of Scott, whom he thus 
 addressed : — 
 
 'Master Scott, 
 
 Can you change me a note ? ' 
 Mr Scott's reply was — 
 
 ' I'm not very sure, but I'll see.' 
 Then going into his back-room, he immediately re- 
 turned and added — 
 
 ' Indeed, Mr Dewar, 
 It's out o' my power, 
 For my wife's away wi' the key.' 
 
 MARCH OF INTELLECT. 
 
 A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the 
 door of a partizan of the Anti-begging Society. After 
 in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable 
 gentleman peremptorily dismissed him. ' Go away.' 
 said he, ' go, we canna gie ye naething.' ' You might 
 at least,' replied the mendicant, with an air of arch 
 dignity, 'have refused me grammatically.' 
 
 A POETICAL GRACE. 
 
 A poet being at supper where the fare was very 
 scanty, and not of first-rate quality, said the following 
 grace : — 
 
 ' O Thou who bless'd the loaves and fishes. 
 Look down upon these two poor dishes ; 
 And though the 'tatoes be but sma', 
 Lord, make them large enough for a' ; 
 For if they do our bellies fill, 
 'Twill be a wondrous miracle ! ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 17 
 
 SCARC ITY OF ASSES. 
 
 The Reverend Mr Thorn, of Govan, riding home 
 from Paisley, on a particular occasion, came up with 
 two gentlemen, heritors of his parish, who had lately 
 been made justices of the peace. They, seeing him 
 well mounted, as usual, were determined to pass a 
 joke on him, and accosted him thus : — ' Well, Mr 
 Thom, you are very unlike your master, for he was 
 content to ride on an ass.' ' An ass,' says Mr Thom, 
 ' there's no sic a beast to be gotten now-a-days." 
 *Ay, how's that?' said they. 'Because,' replied Mr 
 Thom, ' they now make them a' justices of the peace.' 
 
 TIMBER TO TIMBER. 
 
 At the placing of Mr F-rl-ng, minister of the Chapel 
 of Ease, Glasgow, of whose abilities Mr Thom enter- 
 tained no great opinion, when they came to that part 
 of the ceremony where the hands are imposed, the 
 other members of the Presbytery were making room 
 for Mr Thom, that he might get forward his hand on 
 the head of Mr F-rl-ng likewise ; but Mr Thom, keep- 
 ing at a distance, said, ' Na, na, timmer to timmer will 
 do weel enough,' laying his staff on the head of the 
 new divine. 
 
 schoolboys' questions. 
 
 Three boys at school, learning their catechism, the 
 one asked the other how far he had got? to which he 
 answered, * I'm at a state o' sin and misery.' He then 
 asked another what length he was ? to which he re- 
 plied, * I'm just at effectual calling. They were both 
 anxious, of course, to learn how far he was himself, and 
 having asked h'm, he answered, * Past redemption.* 
 
 B 
 
1 8 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 EXAMINATION OF A CANDIDATE. 
 
 About the middle of the 17th century, the office of 
 schoolmaster at Dirleton becoming vacant, several 
 of the literati made suit to the patron for the living. 
 A laird then, like our ministers in state now, w^as 
 accessible only through his principal servant, who 
 was called his gentleman. The laird of Dirleton 
 
 had a gentleman called Hugh , who presided 
 
 over his levee service, and turned the admission of 
 tenants and dependants into the presence chamber 
 considerably to his pocket account. One of the can- 
 didates, not very purse-proud, but close fisted enough, 
 often addressed Hugh for a word of the laird, but 
 was always either very coldly received by Hugh, 
 or industriously shifted, as he would never even so 
 much as attempt to mumble at speaking to the purpose. 
 Effectually disgusted, at last, with Hugh's indiffer- 
 ence, the candidate watched an opportunity of the 
 laird going abroad ; and, accosting his honour be- 
 comingly, told his errand. As the benefice was to 
 be collated on the candidate who should best acquit 
 himself at the competition, Dirleton, being on horse- 
 back, and in a hurry, bade him explain the following 
 rule of syntax, in Despauter^ s Grain7nar : — 
 
 En ecce hem, semper primum quartumve requirunt; 
 Heu petit et quantum, velut O; hei vseque dativum; 
 Proh primum, quantum quintumque, tenere notatur. 
 
 And thus the candidate commented : — £n, an like 
 yoiv honour ; ecce hem, see what sad hem pies are 
 lairds' men ; semper primum quartum.ve requirunt, we 
 maun always creesh their loofs before we can get a 
 
Scottish Afiecdotes. 19 
 
 word of their masters ; heu, what think you of your 
 man Hugh ? petit et qiia?itum, he seeks even a tifth 
 part of the salary ; vehit O, like a cipher as he is ; hei 
 vcEque dativtun, deil tak him that gives it ; proh, 'tis 
 a shame for your honour to keep him in your service ; 
 notatur, for he's a great rascal ; tenere priviuni, quan- 
 tum quintumque, and is worth a thousand merks. 
 Struck with the punster's ready humour, in turning the 
 grammatical rule so happily to his own circumstances, 
 Dirleton ordered Hugh to deliver the key of the school 
 to him instantly, and to cause write out his call, maugre 
 all postponing interjections whatsoever. 
 
 AYRSHIRE COURTSHIP. 
 
 A respectable farmer, in the parish of Cumnock, 
 being a widower, went a-courting a young lady, the 
 daughter of a neighbouring farmer, in the parish ot 
 Auchinleck. The farmer, who was no great orator, 
 but was young, had a good person, and was in affluent 
 circumstances, addressed his fair one rather bluntly, 
 and proposed marriage without much ceremony. The 
 lady replied, in the same frank and open way. * Deed,. 
 Jamie, I'll tak ye, but ye maun gie me my dues a' 
 courtin' for a' that.' The wedding took place accord- 
 ingly. 
 
 TAKE AWAY THE FOWLS. 
 
 A certain reverend gentleman of the city of Edin- 
 burgh, dining with a friend, the lady of the house 
 desiring the servant to take away the dish containing 
 the/<7Zf/j, which she pronounced yi?(?/y (as is sometimes 
 done in Scotland), ' I presume, madam, you mean 
 
20 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 fowls 1 ' said Mr R — , very pompously. * Very well, 
 be it so, ' said the lady ; ' take away the fowls, but let 
 the 7^^/ remain ! ' 
 
 HINT TO MONEY LENDERS. 
 
 The following curious conversation actually occurred 
 in a garden, attached to a lunatic asylum, near Dum- 
 fries. The interlocutors were the keeper, a very re- 
 spectable man, and one of the most manageable of his 
 patients. ' Tak it easy, tak it easy, Jamie : ye're no 
 working against time, man ; and when you come near 
 the border, be sure and keep your feet aff the flowers.' 
 ' The flowers ! hurt the bonnie sweet flowers ! ' said 
 Jamie ; ' Na, na, Fm no sae daft as that comes to, 
 neither ; I wad as soon chap afi" my ain fingers as crush 
 ane o' them. There's the simmer snaw-drap already 
 keeking through its green sheath ; as weel as daisies 
 and primroses, an' the thing they ca' rocket ; although 
 it would mak but a puir cracker on the King's birth- 
 day — He ! he ! he ! Ay, there's heartsease and rowan- 
 tree, sprigs o' which I aye wear next my skin ; the 
 tane to fleg awa' the witches, an' the tither to keep 
 my heart frae beating. An' there's the genty wee 
 flower that I gied a bit o' to Tibby Dalrymple, wha 
 tint her wits for love, an' wha said sae muckle to me 
 through the grating o' her cell, about thegude that the 
 smell o' a flower wad do her, that I couldna find i' 
 my heart to deny her, puir thing.' 'Very weel, 
 Jamie,' replied the keeper, 'be a guid lad, an' continue 
 to dress that little corner until I come back frae the 
 sands.' ' Ou ay ! ' rejoined Jamie,' ' this is Wednes- 
 day, an'- you'll be gaun down to meet wi' some o* 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 21 
 
 your country freinds. It's changed times wi' them, I 
 jalouse ; whaur the public-house folk used to sell a 
 gallon o' whisky, they dinna sell a mutchkin noo, 1 
 near : but that's naething, their customers will get 
 sooner hame to their families ; an' then they'll be 
 fewer banes bioken riding fule races. But tak care o' 
 yoursel', Mr — , tak care that some o' them dinna 
 come Yorkshire ower you. They'll be inviting you 
 in to tak a dram, nae doubt, an' makin' a puir mouth 
 about the badness o' times, trying to borrow a little 
 siller frae you. But if I was you, I'll tell ye what I 
 wad dae. I wad get twa purses made, and ca' ane o' 
 them Somebody and the ither A' the World ; an' next 
 I wad pit a' my siller in the first, and no a bawbee in 
 the second ; and then, whan ony o' them spak o' bor- 
 rowing, I wad whup out the toom purse, and shaking't 
 before the chiel's een, swear that I hadna a ha'penny 
 in A* the World, until I gat it frae Somebody /' 
 
 HOWLET-FACE. 
 
 Robert Burns, being informed that a little girl, in 
 the company where he was, had been rudely desig- 
 nated ' Howlet-face ' by a gentleman present, on ac- 
 count of a certain disagreeable peculiarity in her vis- 
 age, which reminded him of an owl ; he immediately 
 wrote this verse, and handed it to the person con- 
 cerned :— 
 
 ' And did he ca' ye Howlet-face, 
 The vile unseemly spectre ! 
 Your face has been a looking-glass, 
 In which he's seen his picture.' 
 
2 2 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 POLITICAL ECONOMY. 
 
 Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a 
 tax was laid on candles, which, as a Ricardo lecturer 
 would prove, made them dearer. A Scottish wife, in 
 Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Simon Macbeth, 
 that the price was raised, and asked why ? * It's a 
 owin' to the war,' said Simon. 'The war !' said the 
 astonished matron, ' gracious me ! are they gaun to 
 fight by cannel licht ? ' 
 
 PREACHING AND PROPHESYING. 
 
 A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is more in- 
 debted to his manuscript than to his memory, called 
 unceremoniously at a cottage, while its possessor, a 
 pious parishioner, was engaged (a daily exercise) in 
 perusing a paragraph of the writings of an inspired 
 Prophet. *Weel, John,' familiarly inquired the cleri- 
 cal visitant, ' what's this you are about ? ' ' I am pro- 
 phesying,' was the prompt reply. 'Prophesying,' ex- 
 claimed the astounded divine, ' I doubt you are only 
 reading a prophecy.' 'Weel,' argued the religious 
 rustic, 'giff reading a preachin' be preachin', is na 
 reading a prophecy prophesying ? ' 
 
 A POOR MOUTHFUL. 
 
 At the examination of candidates for the place of 
 schoolmaster in a Scotch parish, one man was desired 
 to read and translate Horace's ode, beginning — 
 'Exegi monumentum aere perennius.' 
 
 He began thus : — * Exegi fnonumenHwi, I have eaten 
 up a mountain.' ' Stop,' cried one of the examinators 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 23 
 
 ' it will be needless for you to say ony mair ; after eat- 
 ing sic a dinner, this parish wad be a puir mouthfu' 
 t'ye. You maun try some wider sphere.' 
 
 PASSION. 
 
 Fletcher of Saltoun is well known to have pos- 
 sessed a most irritable temper. His footman, desiring 
 to be dismissed, ' Why do you leave me ? ' said he. 
 * Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear your tem- 
 per.' ' To be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is 
 no sooner on than it is off.' ' Yes,' replied the servant, 
 ' but then it is no sooner off than it is on again.' 
 
 MAKING A SCOTCHMAN. 
 
 In the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, 
 it may be remembered that the king's coach was at- 
 tacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. 
 A gigantic Hibernian, on that occasion, was conspi- 
 cuously loyal in repelling the mob. Soon after, to his 
 no small surprise, he received a message from Mr 
 Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met 
 with a gracious reception from the great man, who, 
 after prefacing a few encomiums on his active loyalty, 
 desired him to point out any way in which he would 
 wish to be advanced, his majesty having particularly 
 noticed his courageous conduct, and being desirous to 
 reward it. Pat scratched and scraped for a while, half 
 thunder-struck ; ' The devil take me if I know what 
 I'm fit for.' 'Nay, my good fellow,' cried Harry, 
 ^ think a moment, and dinna throw yoursel out o' the 
 way o' fortun.' Pat hesitated a moment, smirking as 
 if some odd idea had strayed into his noddle, ' I'll tell 
 
24 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 you what, mister, make a Scotchman of me, and, by St 
 Patrick, there'll be no fear of my getting on.' The 
 minister gazed awhile at the vial-apropos wit ; ' Make 
 a Scotchman of you, sir ! that's impossible, for I can't 
 give you prudence^ 
 
 RETALIATION. 
 
 An American, General L — , was in company where 
 there were some few Scotch. After supper, when the 
 wine was served up, the General rose, and addressed 
 the company in the following words : — ' Gentlemen, 1 
 must inform you, that when I get a little groggish, I 
 have an absurd custom of railing against the Scotch ; 
 I hope no gentleman in company will take it amiss.' 
 With this he sat down. Up starts M — , a Scotch 
 officer, and without seeming the least displeased, said, 
 ' Gentlemen, I, when I am a little groggish, and hear 
 any person railing against the Scotch, have an absurd 
 custom of kicking him out of the company ; I hope no 
 gentleman will take it amiss.* It is superfluous to 
 add, that that night he had no occasion to exert his 
 talent. 
 
 CHURCH CANDIDATES. 
 
 At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular 
 call, two candidates offered to preach, of the names of 
 Adam and Low. The last preached in the morning, 
 and took for his text, ' Adam, where art thou ? ' He 
 made a most excellent discourse, and the congregation 
 were much edified. In the evening Mr Adam preached, 
 and took for his text, ' Lo, here am I ! ' The im- 
 pro77iptu and his sermon gained him the church. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 25 
 
 HIGHLAND OATH. 
 
 To prove the superior idea of sanctity which this im- 
 precation conveys to those who have been accustomed 
 to it, it may be sufficient to relate the expression of a 
 Highlander, who, at the Carlisle assizes, had sworn 
 positively, in the English mode, to a fact of conse- 
 quence. His indifference, during that solemnity, hav- 
 ing been observed by the opposite party, he was re- 
 quired to confirm his testimony by taking the oath of 
 his own country to the same. 'No, no,' said the 
 mountaineer, in the Northern dialect ; ' d'ye no ken 
 that thair is mickle odds betwix blawing on a bulk, 
 and damning ane's ain saul ? ' 
 
 PLEASANT PROSPECT. 
 
 An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper 
 flat of a house in Princes Street, opposite the West 
 Church Burying-ground, from which the chain of Pent- 
 land Hills formed a beautiful background, after being 
 made acquainted with all its conveniences, and the 
 beauty of its situation, elegantly enumerated by the 
 builder, he requested her to cast her eye on the ro- 
 mantic hills at a distance, on the other side of the 
 churchyard. The lady admitted that she had ' cer- 
 tainly a most pleasant prospect beyond the grave. ^ 
 
 FERGUSON AND JAMES THE FIRST. 
 
 There was one Ferguson, an intimate of King James 
 T., who, having been a playfellow with him when they 
 were young, came with the King into England, and 
 extending the privileges of friendship rather too far, 
 frequently took the liberty of advising, and sometimes 
 
26 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 admonishing, or rather reproving, his sovereign. He 
 was a man truly honest ; and his counsels were disin- 
 terested as to any view for himself, having a decent 
 patrimony of his own. The King was, however, often 
 vexed by his freedoms, and at length said to him, be- 
 tween jest and earnest, ' You are perpetually censur- 
 ing my conduct ; I'll make you a king some time or 
 other, and try.' Accordingly one day, the Court being 
 very merry, it came into his Majesty's head to execute 
 this project ; and so, calling Ferguson, he ordered him 
 into the chair of state, bidding him 'there play the 
 king,' while, for his part, he would personate 'Johnny 
 Ferguson.' This farce was in the beginning very 
 agreeable to the whole company. The mock sove- 
 reign put on the airs of royalty, and talked to those 
 about him in a strain like that of the real one, only 
 with less pedantry. They were infinitely pleased with 
 the joke, and it was a perfect comedy, till the unlucky 
 knave turned the tables, and came all of a sudden to 
 moralise on the vanity of honour, wealth, and pleasure, 
 talk of the insincerity, venality, and corruption of cour- 
 tiers and servants of the crown ; how entirely they had 
 their own interests at heart, and how generally their 
 pretended zeal and assiduity were the disguise of false- 
 hood and flattery. This discourse made a change in 
 some of their countenances, and even the real monarch 
 did not relish it altogether ; he was afraid it might 
 have some effect on his minions, and lessen the tribute 
 of adulation they were used to offer with great profu- 
 sion, when they found how this wag observed and 
 animadverted on it. But the monitor did not stop 
 here, he levelled a particular satire at the King, which 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 27 
 
 put an end to the entertainment, and made his Majesty 
 repent of his introducing it, some foreigners of dis- 
 tinction being present ; for it painted him in his true 
 colours, as one that never ' loved a wise man, nor re- 
 warded an honest one,' unless they sacrificed to his 
 vanity ; while he loaded those who prostrated them- 
 selves to his will with wealth and honours. Here the 
 mimic, pointing directly to James, who was personat- 
 ing Ferguson, he raised his voice, saying, ' There,' 
 said he, ' stands a man whom I would have you imi- 
 tate. The honest creature was the comrade of my 
 childhood, and regards me with a most cordial affec- 
 tion to this very moment ; he has testified his friend- 
 ship by all the means in his power ; studying my wel- 
 fare, guarding me from evil counsellors, prompting me 
 to princely actions, and warning me of every danger ; 
 for all which, however, he never asked me anything ; 
 and, by Jove ! though I squandered thousands upon 
 thousands on several of you, yet in the whole course of 
 my life I never gave him a farthing.' The King, net- 
 tled by this sarcasm, cried out to Ferguson, ' Pugh ! 
 you pawky loun, what wad you be at ? Awa' aff my 
 throne, and let's hae nae mair o' your nonsense. ' 
 
 A GENEROUS CLERGYMAN. 
 
 A clergyman, in Roxburghshire, of considerable pro- 
 perty and eccentric manners, having the opportunity 
 of selling a small farm to advantage, to a gentleman 
 who wished to purchase it, applied to the farmer who 
 had it upon lease, and sounded him upon the subject 
 of giving it up for a consideration. To his no small 
 delight, the farmer expressed himself willing to accom- 
 
2 8 Scottish Afiecdotes. 
 
 modate his landlord, without asldng any compensation. 
 The doctor immediately came to his intending custom- 
 er, a man more able than the generality of mankind 
 to appreciate every variety of human character, and 
 addressed him in something like the following words : 
 — 'I have just been doun at Jock Thorburn, and he's 
 gaun to gi'e up the farm without asking a bawbee. 
 Od, he's a fine fallow, Jock Thorburn ; he's done me a 
 real gude turn : but he's no be without his reward ; for 
 I'll gie him something. I'll gie him something usefu'. 
 Od, I'll gie him a gude character.' 
 
 FREE TRADE TO THE LAWYERS. 
 
 A man from the country applied lately to a respect- 
 able solicitor in this town for legal advice. After de- 
 tailing the circumstances of the case, he was asked if 
 he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. 'Ou 
 ay, sir,' rejoined the applicant, ' I thought it best to tell 
 you the plain truth ; you can put the lees till't yoursel.' 
 
 ALLAN RAMSAY. 
 
 Allan Ramsay, the Scotch poet, walking on the 
 Castlehill one day, was accosted by a pretended poor 
 maimed sailor, who begged his charity. The poet 
 asked him by what authority he went a-begging ? ' I 
 have a licence for it,' answered the sailor. ' Licence I ' 
 cried Allan, * Lice you may have, but sense you can 
 have none, to beg of a poet.' 
 
 PEOPLE WITHOUT GRANDFATHERS. 
 
 An old Scotch landed proprietor, or laird, who 
 piqued himself much ujjon his pedigree, and had a 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 29 
 
 sovereign contempt for men who had come to great- 
 ness through successful industry, was one night in a 
 company where a young lady from Glasgow happened 
 to descant a little upon what her father, her grand- 
 fathers, and her great-grandfathers, had done as civil 
 rulers in that city. After enduring this for a little, the 
 laird at last tapped the fair speaker gently on the 
 shoulder, and said to her, in an emphatic but good- 
 humoured tone, ' Wheest, my woman ; nae Glasgow 
 folk ever had grandfaithers. ' 
 
 A LAD IN HIS DAY. 
 
 When Dr Thomson (father of Dr Andrew Thomson, 
 of Edinburgh) was minister of Markinch, he happened 
 to preach from the text, ' Look not upon wine when 
 it is red in the cup ; ' from which he made a most 
 eloquent and impressive discourse against drunken- 
 ness, stating its fatal effects on the head, heart, and 
 purse. Several of his observations were levelled at 
 two cronies, with whom he was well acquainted, who 
 frequently poured out libations to the rosy god. At 
 the dismissal of the congregation, the two friends met, 
 the doctor being close behind them. ' Did you hear 
 yon, Johnnie?' quoth the one. 'Did I hear't I Wha 
 didna hear't ? I ne'er winked an e'e the hale sermon.' 
 *Aweel, an' what thought ye o't?' 'Adeed, Davie, 
 I think he's been a lad in his day, or he couldna 
 ken'd sae weel about it. Ah, he's been a slee hand, 
 the minister ! ' 
 
 ONE GLASS AT A TIME. 
 
 Dr Thomson took occasion to exhort the same 
 Davie, who was a namesake of his own, to abstain 
 
30 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 from excessive drinking, otherwise he would bring 
 his grey hairs prematurely to the grave. ' Tak my ad- 
 vice, David,' says the minister, ' and never take more 
 than one glass at a time.' 'Neither I do, sir,' says 
 David, ' neither I do ; but I care unco little how short 
 time be at ween the twa.' 
 
 GOOD REASON FOR ABSTINENCE. 
 
 A party of volunteers in the royal service, being 
 taken prisoners by the Highland army, at the battle of 
 Falkirk, in 1 746, were put into a barn at a neighbour- 
 ing village of St Ninians, where, during the whole 
 evening, they remained without meat or drink. At 
 length an exciseman, one of the Glasgow militia, un- 
 dertook to speak for himself and companions, to a 
 Celtic sergeant, who had the command of the guard. 
 'Sergeant,' said he, 'do you mean to starve us to 
 death ? If it's our turn to-day, it may be yours to- 
 morrow ; though we be prisoners of war, are we to get 
 neither victuals nor drink ? ' ' What the muckle 
 deevil,' replied the Highlander, with great state, 'do 
 you want wi' ta vittal and drink? you hang ta 
 morn whether or no.' 
 
 THE EARL OF KELLIE. 
 
 The witty and convivial Lord Kellie being, in his 
 early years, much addicted to dissipation, his mother 
 advised him to take example of a gentleman, whose 
 constant food was herbs, and his drink water. ' What, 
 madam,' said he, 'would you have me imitate a man 
 who eats like a beast, and drinks like af,-h ! ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 31 
 
 Lord Kellie was, like his prototype Falstaff, ' not 
 only witty himself, but the cause of wit in other men.'' 
 Mr A — B — , the Scottish advocate, a man of con- 
 siderable humour, accompanied by great formality of 
 manners, happened to be one of a convivial party, when 
 his lordship was at the head of the table. After dinner 
 he was asked to sing, but absolutely refused to comply 
 with the pressing solicitation of the company. At 
 length Lord Kellie told him that he should not escape, 
 he must either sing a song, tell a story, or drink a pint 
 bumper. Mr B — , being an abstemious man, chose 
 rather to tell a story than incur the forfeit. ' One 
 day,' said he, in his pompous manner, ' a thief, in the 
 course of his rounds, saw the door of a church invit- 
 ingly open. He walked in, thinking that even there 
 he might lay hold of something useful. Having 
 secured the pulpit cloth, he was retreating, when, lo I 
 he found the door shut. After some consideration, he 
 adopted the only means of escape left, namely, to let 
 himself down by the bell-rope. The bell of course 
 rang ; the people were alarmed, and the thief was- 
 taken, just as he reached the ground. When they 
 were dragging him away, he looked up, and emphati- 
 cally addressed the bell, as I now address your lord- 
 ship, " Had it not been," said he, '* for your lo7t^ 
 tongue and your empty head, I had made my escape." ' 
 
 Lord Kellie was once amusing his company with an 
 account of a sermon he had heard in a church in Italy, 
 in which the priest related the miracle of St Anthony, 
 when preaching on ship-board, attracting the fishes, 
 which, in order to listen to his pious discourse, held 
 
32 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 their heads out of the water. ' I can perfectly well 
 believe the miracle, ' said Mr Henry Erskine. ' How 
 so ? ' ' When your lordship was at church, there was 
 at least one fish out of the water. ^ 
 
 VERY LIKE YOUR MEAT. 
 
 Hugo Arnot, author of the History of Edinburgh, 
 was a perfect walking skeleton. One day he was 
 mating a split dried haddock, or, as it is called in 
 Scotland, a speldring, when Harry Erskine came in. 
 * You see,' said Hugo, ' I am not starving.' * I must 
 own,' replied the other, * that you are very like your 
 meat J * 
 
 FACE OF BRASS. 
 
 The house of Mr Dundas, Lord President of the 
 Court of Session in Scotland, and the elder brother of 
 Mr Secretary Dundas, having, after his death, been 
 converted into a smith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon 
 its door the following impromptu : — 
 
 'This house a lauyer once enjoy'd, 
 A smith does now possess ; 
 How naturally the iron age. 
 Succeeds the age of brass ! ' 
 
 TRAVELLING ON FOOTE. 
 
 There being a lawsuit between Mr Foote and Mr 
 Ross respectirig the Edinburgh theatre, let by the 
 4atter to the former, which came by appeal before the 
 
 * It may be necessary to inform the English reader that this 
 is a Scotch phrase, to express that a person looks as if he lived 
 well. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 33 
 
 House of Lords, the matter was terminated in favour 
 of Mr Ross, and Foote was saddled with the costs. 
 When he had paid the bill to Mr Walter Ross, Mr 
 Ross's Scotch solicitor, he said to him, * Now, Walter, 
 when do you go to Scotland ? ' ' To-morrow.' ' And 
 how do you travel ? I suppose, like the rest of your 
 countrymen, you will do it in the most economical 
 manner.' * Yes,' replied he, ' I shall travel on Foote! ' 
 
 NO SINECURE. 
 
 Colonel M — , of the Perthshire cavalry, was com- 
 plaining that, from the ignorance and inattention of 
 his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of 
 the regiment. * I am,' said he, ' my own captain, my 
 own lieutenant, my own cornet,' — 'and trumpeter, I 
 presume,' said a lady present. 
 
 MARGAROT. 
 
 Margarot, one of the English members of the British 
 Convention, which met at Edinburgh in the year 1792, 
 for the avowed purpose of revolutionising the British 
 nation, a man pre-eminent in effrontery and profligacy, 
 was, on the day of his trial before the High Court of 
 Justiciary, accompanied by the lowest rabble of Edin- 
 burgh, who took the horses from the carriage in which 
 he was conveyed, and dragged him to the Parliament 
 House. On entering the court he was complaining 
 bitterly of a blow he had received on one of his legs. 
 'Poh, man! be comforted,' cried one of the macers 
 that accompanied him, ' I suppose 'tis only one of your 
 horses has given you a kick.' 
 c 
 
34 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 HIGHLAND CHRISTIANITY. 
 
 A Highlander was visited on his deathbed by his 
 clergyman, who exhorted Donald to prepare himself for 
 another world, by a sincere repentance of all the crimes 
 he had committed on earth ; and strongly urged the 
 absolute necessity of forgiving his enemies. Donald 
 shrugged up his shoulders at this hard request, yet he 
 at last agreed to forgive every person who had injured 
 him, except one, who had long been the Highlander's 
 mortal foe, and of whom Donald hoped the parson 
 would make an exception. The holy man, however, 
 insisted so much on this point, that Donald at last 
 said, 'Weel, weel, sir, since there be no help for it, 
 Donald maun forgive her ; but,' turning to his two 
 sons, ' may G — d d — n you, Duncan and Rory, if you 
 forgive her ! ' * 
 
 THE YEUK. 
 
 A young Highland officer, recently caught on the 
 hills of Morven, was dining with a gentleman in Eng- 
 land. His landlord having a lobster before him, begged 
 to know if the officer chose to have a claw.-^ ' No, I 
 thank you, sir, I have got quite free of the yeuk. ' | 
 
 PSALM SINGING. 
 
 When Corri, the musicseller, lived at Edinburgh, he 
 happened one Sunday to pass by the Tron Church 
 while the congregation was singing psalms. Con- 
 founded at the discordant sounds, he asked a man with 
 
 * Highlanders very frequently use the word her for him. 
 t To claw, in Scotland, means to scratch. 
 % Yeuk means the itch. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 35 
 
 a long puritanical face, who was going in, what was the 
 matter? The other, astonished at the question, an- 
 swered, that the people were ' praising God Almighty.' 
 ' Santa Maria ! ' exclaimed Corri, shrugging up his shoul- 
 ders, ' God Almighty must have one very bad ear ! ' 
 
 TAK TENT. 
 
 The Scotch phrase for take hud, is tak tent. This 
 being once used by a Scotch physician to an English 
 lady, who was his patient, occasioned a mistake which 
 had nearly proved fatal. The physician always re- 
 peated to her, 'Abune a' things, madam, tak tent.' 
 Unfortunately the lady understood him that she was 
 to drink tent wine regularly after her meals ; and she 
 suffered very materially from following his supposed 
 prescription. 
 
 THE MAD MINISTER OF MOFFAT. 
 
 Dr Walker, Professor of Natural History at Edin- 
 burgh, a man of great science, and also of great worth, 
 was not a little finical in dress. His hairdressing was, 
 till afterwards that he got a wig, the work of two or 
 three hours every day. Once when he was travelling 
 from Moffat, where he was then minister, to pay a visit 
 to the late Sir James Clerk of Pennycuick, he stopped 
 at a country barber's on the way, in order to have his 
 hair dressed. The barber, who, although he had often 
 heard of his customer, was unacquainted with his per- 
 son, did all that he could to obey the numerous direc- 
 tions which he received : with astonishing patience did 
 he, for three hours, curl, uncurl, friz, and labour at the 
 doctor's hair. At length, however, he could not avoid 
 
S6 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 exclaiming, * In all my life, I never heard of a man so 
 ill to please as you, except the mad minister of Moffat.^ 
 
 HEARING THE EVIDENCE. 
 
 Robert Burns dined in Edinburgh with a large 
 party, in company with the late Lord Swinton and 
 the Honourable Henry Erskine. Honest Lord Swin- 
 ton had become extremely deaf. From time to time 
 he observed the company convulsed with laughter; 
 but his deafness prevented him enjoying the exquisite 
 humour of Mr Erskine. That, however, was of little 
 consequence : he inquired at his next neighbour, ' Is 
 that my friend Harry ? ' being answered in the affirma- 
 tive, he burst out into as hearty a laugh as the best of 
 them ; and in this manner partook in the general hil- 
 arity the whole evening. Burns next day mentioning 
 the circumstance to a lady of his acquaintance, she ex- 
 pressed her astonishment that a man who could act so 
 absurdly should sit as judge on the lives and fortunes 
 of his fellow-subjects. *My dear madam,' answered 
 Burns, * you wrong the honest man, he acts exactly as 
 a good judge ought ; he does not decide before he has 
 heard the. evidence.' 
 
 HUMOROUS REPROOF. 
 
 A late nobleman, in whose character vanity and 
 parsimony were the most remarkable features, was, for 
 a long time before he died, in the habit of retailing the 
 produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children 
 and poor people of his neighbourhood. It is told, that 
 one day, observing a very pretty little female child 
 tripping through his grounds with a milk-pipkin, he 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 37 
 
 stooped to kiss her ; after which he said, in a pompous 
 tone, ' Now, my dear, you may tell your grandchildren, 
 and tell them in their turn to tell their grandchildren, 
 that you had once the honour of receiving a kiss from 
 
 the Right Honourable the Earl of .' The girl 
 
 looked up in his face, and, with a strange mixture of 
 simplicity and archness, remarked, 'But ye took the 
 penny for the milk, though ! ' 
 
 NEW METAMORPHOSIS. 
 
 Mr S — de, of S — de, in Berwickshire, some years 
 ago resolved to improve a quantity of his waste land ; 
 which was looked upon by his neighbours as a mad 
 sort of project, the prospect of profit being somewhat 
 disproportioned to the present outlay. He was, how- 
 ever, determined to carry his favourite scheme into 
 effect, tnalgre the sneers of his friends. One day, as 
 he was standing with bent brows surveying the opera- 
 tions, very much like a man who knows he is wrong, 
 but has, nevertheless, determined to go through with 
 what he has taken in hand, an old stupid woman 
 came up, and, leaning over an enclosure, said to him, 
 ' But, dear me, Mr S — de, an ye tak in a' the land this 
 gate, what's to become o' the puir muir-fowl ? ' The 
 sensitive proprietor answered, in a voice which ad- 
 mitted of no reply, ' Let them turn paitricks, and be 
 d — d to them ! ' 
 
 ANTIQUITY OF THE CAMPBELLS. 
 
 An old woman of the name of Gordon, in the North 
 of Scotland, was listening to the account given in 
 Scripture of Solomon's glory, which was read to her 
 
38 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 by a little female grandchild. When the girl came to 
 tell of the thousand cafnels, which formed part of the 
 Jewish sovereign's live stock, ' Eh, lassie,' cried the old 
 woman, ' a thousand Campbells, say ye ? The Camp- 
 bells {pronounced Ca??i??iils) are an auld clan, sure 
 eneuch ; but look an ye dinna see the Gordons too. ' 
 
 JOHNSTONES AND JAKDINES. 
 
 Particular districts and villages on the borders of the 
 two kingdoms are still, as of old, in a great measure 
 the exclusive property and residence of people of a 
 certain name. An exciseman arrived late one night 
 at a village in the lower part of Dumfriesshire, when, 
 although the night was of the stormiest, and himself 
 excessively fatigued, he could neither find an open door 
 nor knock any of the inhabitants up. At length, when 
 his patience was fairly exhausted, he cried with a loud 
 voice, ' Oh, is there nae Christian in this town that'll 
 gie shelter to a puir benighted traveller ? ' ' Na,' an- 
 swered an old woman, who at that moment opened an 
 attic window, and who remembered the fact that Chris- 
 tian is a common surname on the opposite coast of 
 Cumberland ; * We're a' Johnstones and Jardines here ! ' 
 
 RUSTIC NOTION OF THE RESURRECTION. 
 
 It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist 
 the minister in visiting the sick ; and on such occasions 
 they give the patient and the surrounding gossips the 
 benefit of prayers. Being generally well acquainted 
 in the different families, they often sit an hour or two 
 after the sacred rites, to chat with those who are in 
 health, and to receive the benefit of a dram. On one 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 39 
 
 of these occasions, at the house of Donald M 'Intyre, 
 whose wife had been confined to her fireside and arm- 
 chair for many years, the elder and Donald grew unco 
 gracious. Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, 
 and the elder entered into a number of metaphysical 
 discussions, which he had heard from the minister. 
 Among other topics was the Resurrection. The 
 elder was strenuous in support of the rising of the 
 same body ; but Donald could not comprehend how a 
 body once dissolved in the dust could be re-animated. 
 At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the sub- 
 ject, he exclaimed, ' Weel, weel, Sandy, ye're richt sae 
 far ; you and me, that are strong, healthy folk, may rise 
 again ; but that /.^^r thing there /ar she sits' (that poor 
 thing there where she sits) ' sheHl ne'er rise again. ' 
 
 LORD BRACO. 
 
 Lord Braco, an immediate ancestor of a most re- 
 spectable peer, whose title is different, was noted for 
 his excessive appetite for money. Walking one day 
 down the avenue that led from his house, he saw a 
 farthing lying at his feet, which he took up, and care- 
 fully cleaned. A beggar, happening to pass at the 
 time, saw what his Lordship was about, and preferred 
 a request to have the farthing, observing that so small 
 a sum was not worth a nobleman's attention. ' Fin' 
 a farthing to yoursel, puir body,' replied his Lord- 
 ship, carefully putting the tiny coin into his breeches- 
 pocket. 
 
 USELESSNESS OF AVARICE. 
 
 Lord Bracn was his own factor, and collected his 
 
40 Scottish Anecdotes, 
 
 own rents ; in which duties he is said to have been so 
 rigorously exact, that, a farmer being one rent-day 
 deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge 
 to a considerable distance to procure that little sum 
 before he would grant a discharge. When the business 
 was adjusted, the countryman said to his Lordship, 
 'Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a shilling for a sight o' a* 
 the gowd and siller ye hae.' * Weel, man,' answered 
 the miser, ' it's no cost ye ony mair ; ' and accordingly 
 he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of 
 gold and silver coin. 'Now,' said the farmer, ' I'm as 
 rich as yoursel, Braco.' 'Ay, man,' said his Lordship^ 
 * how can that be ? ' * Because I've seen it,' replied 
 the countryman, ' and ye can do nae mair.' 
 
 MR SKENE OF CARISTON. 
 
 About the beginning of the reign of George III., the 
 county of Forfar was strongly contested at an election 
 by the families of Strathmore and Douglas ; and one 
 county gentleman, Mr Skene of Cariston, was gener- 
 ally supposed to have deserted the interest ot Douglas 
 for that of Strathmore, without a sufficient cause. This 
 same gentleman, dining soon after with the Earl of 
 Strathmore, the Countess, who was an Englishwoman, 
 and unacquainted with the phraseology of Scotland, 
 said to him, ' Mr Skene, I hear a great many people 
 make a very strange observation regarding you, which 
 I cannot understand : they say you are not to ride the 
 water upon. Pray, what may they mean ? ' This was 
 the most unfortunate malaprop, perhaps, that her lady- 
 ship could have uttered ; for, in Scotland, to say of a 
 man that he is not to ride the water upon, is as much 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 41 
 
 as likening him to a horse which will deceitfully carry 
 his rider into the middle of a stream, and then throw 
 him off. However, Cariston relieved himself from his 
 embarrassing situation by a very clever vault of wit. 
 'Oh, my lady,' said he, looking down at his short 
 limbs ; ' they mean that my legs are so short, that, if 
 they were to cross a river on my back, they would get 
 themselves all over wet ! * He never went back to 
 dine at Glammis Castle. 
 
 A SHEEP'S-EYE VIEW. 
 
 A gentleman of Edinburgh, being in love with a lady 
 at Portobello (a sea-bathing town two miles from the 
 capital), used to take walks along with a friend to the 
 top of Arthur's Seat, for no other purpose than to get 
 a distant peep at the residence of the dear object. 
 This his friend called, * Taking a sheep'' s-eyc view of 
 Portobello.' 
 
 RHYMING LETTER ON THE CORN LAWS. 
 
 During the agitation which was produced in all parts 
 of the country by the proceedings of the Addington 
 Administration in regard to the corn laws, Mr Keid, a 
 bookseller in Glasgow, endowed with a singular gift of 
 impromptu rhyming, sent to the Prime Minister the 
 following laconic but most expressive epistle : — 
 * For Godsake, Mr Addington, 
 Look to the prices at Haddington ! ' 
 The same person is said to have thus docqueted a 
 parcel of law papers : — 
 
 ' Anent the hobble 
 With Joshua Noble.' 
 
42 Scottish Anecdotes. . 
 
 TAX ON BACHELORS, 
 
 A lady having remarked in company that she thought 
 there should be a tax on the single state ; ' Yes, 
 madam,' rejoined Colonel of (in Berwick- 
 shire), who was present, and who was a most notable 
 specimen of the uncompromising old bachelor, ' as on 
 all other luxuries.' 
 
 LITERARY GUZZLEMENT. 
 
 Hume, Smith, and other literati of the last century 
 used to frequent a tavern in a low street in Edinburgh 
 called the Potterrow ; where, if their accommodations 
 were not of the first order, they had at least no cause 
 to complain of the scantiness of their victuals. One 
 day, as the landlady was bringing in a third supply of 
 some particularly good dish, she thus addressed them : — 
 * They ca' ye the literawti, I believe ; od, if they were 
 to ca' ye the eaterawti, they would be nearer the 
 mark. ' 
 
 ANECDOTE OF THE SHORTER CATECHISM. 
 
 A Scotch clergyman was one day catechising his 
 flock in the church. The bedral, or church-officer, 
 being somewhat ill-read in the Catechism, thought it 
 best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope 
 of escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman ob- 
 served, and called him forward. 'John,' said he, 
 ' what is baptism ? ' * Ou, sir,' answered John, scratch- 
 ing his head, *ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and 
 fifteenpence to the precentor.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 43 
 
 THE AUTHOR OF WAVERLEY. 
 
 Mrs Murray Keith, a venerable Scotch lady, from 
 whom Sir Walter Scott derived many of the tradition- 
 ary stories and anecdotes wrought up in his admirable 
 fictions, taxed him one day with the authorship, which 
 he as usual stoutly denied. ' What,' exclaimed the old 
 lady, ' d'ye think I dinna ken my ain groats among 
 other folk's kail ? ' 
 
 REASONS FOR THE SCOTCH BEING GREAT 
 SMUGGLERS. 
 
 An Englishman once expressed great surprise in a 
 company of literati at Edinburgh, that the Scotch 
 should be so much addicted to smuggling, seeing that 
 they are a remarkably sober and moral people. He 
 thought it must be much against their conscience. 
 * Oh, not at all, sir,' said Mr R — d, a noted punster, 
 who was present ; ' what is conscience but a sfnall 
 j/z'// voice.' 'Farther,' added Professor W — , ' it is 
 the worm that never dies.' 
 
 VIXERAT CHRISTO. 
 
 In the epitaph of the Reverend James Sword, an 
 Episcopalian minister at St Andrews, who died in 
 1657, and whose monument is still to be seen in the 
 burial-ground which surrounds the ruins of the cathe- 
 dral, the phrase occurs, ' Vixerat Christo,' he lived in 
 Christ. It so happens that, according to an old 
 fashion, there is a dot or full stop betwixt every word 
 in the epitaph, which has given occasion to a strange 
 piece of waggery, on the part, it is said, of a Presby- 
 
44 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 terian, who regarded Sword and his religion with equal 
 abhorrence. By inserting a dot betwixt the first and 
 second syllables of the word ' vixerat,' this person 
 has caused the passage to be read thus, — ' Vix . erat . 
 Chris to,' he scarcely was in Christ I 
 
 TOAST OF A SCOTCH PEER. 
 
 Lord K — , dining at Provost S — 's, and being the 
 only Peer present, one of the company gave a toast, 
 ' The Duke of Buccleuch. So the peerage went round 
 till it came to Lord K — , who said he would give them 
 a peer, which, although not toasted, was of more use 
 than the whole. His Lordship gave, 'The Pier of 
 Leith.' 
 
 ANOTHER PEAR OF THE SAME TREE. 
 
 During a late jury trial at Jedburgh, in which three 
 of the first luminaries of the bar (Messrs Moncreiff, 
 Jeffrey, and Cockburn) were engaged as counsel ; while 
 the former was addressing the jury, Mr Jeffrey passed 
 a slip of paper to Mr Cockburn with the following case 
 for his opinion : — * A legacy was lately left by an old 
 lady to the Peer of Aberdeen. As the will was written 
 by the dowager herself, and by no means distinguished 
 for correctness of orthography or expression, a dispute 
 has arisen as to the intent of the testator ; and the fol- 
 lowing claimants have appeared for the legacy, — \st. 
 The Earl of Aberdeen ; 2^/, The Commissioners for 
 erecting the Pier at Aberdeen ; and, 30^, the Manager 
 of the Charity Workhouse, who grounds his right on the 
 fact that the old lady was in the habit, more 7najorum, 
 of pronouncing poor peer. To which of the parties 
 
Scottish Anecdotes, 45 
 
 does the money belong?' Mr Cockburn immediately 
 wrote in answer — * To none of the three ; but to the 
 [lorticuhural Society of Scotland for the purpose ot 
 promoting the culture of a sort of fruit called, or to be 
 called, the Pear of Aberdeen.' 
 
 ETYMOLOGY. 
 
 Dr Dalgleish, minister of Peebles, in giving a statis- 
 tical account of that parish for Sir John Sinclair's im- 
 mense compilation, simply stated, that the place must 
 have derived its name from the pebbles which are found 
 there in great quantity. The more elaborate antiquary 
 George Chalmers, by a tolerable pun for a man of his 
 stamp, remarks in his 'Caledonia,' that the worthy 
 clergyman of Peebles, in seeking for the etymology of 
 the word, is content to look no further than to the 
 stones beneath his feet!* 
 
 BON MOT OF JAMES I. OF SCOTLAND. 
 
 When this prince was at Dunfermline, the monks of 
 the abbey showed him the tomb of his ancestor David 
 I., who is noted in Scottish history for his benefactions 
 to the Church. On its being remarked to the living 
 king that the dead one had been a perfect saint, — 
 * Ay,' said he, *he was ane sair sanct for the Crown.' 
 
 THE PERPETUAL MOTION. 
 
 Upwards of thirty years ago, there lived in King 
 Street, Glasgow, a very eccentric character, of the name 
 of Richard Witherspoon, a barber ; he was likewise not 
 a bad painter. Richard had wit, and a considerable 
 share of humour ; his chief fault was rather too frequent 
 
46 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 offerings to the shrine of Bacchus. One fine afternoon 
 in summer, he appeared in his breeches and waistcoat, 
 wanting his shoes, with a night-cap on his head, in the 
 market, jumping and skipping about, exclaiming, — 
 ' God be praised, I've found it ! I've found it ! my 
 bread's baken ! my bread's baken ! ' The people of 
 the market immediately gathered about Richard, cry- 
 ing, — * What's this, Richie ? What hae ye found ? ' — 
 * What hae I found ? I've discovered the perpetual 
 movement! ye'll ne'er see Richie Witherspoon scum 
 the chafts o' the ungodly for a bawbee a' ye're days 
 again ! Twenty thousand pound ! twenty thousand 
 pound ! My bread's baken ! I'm gaun up to Lunon 
 the morn.' * Ay, Richie, that's fortunate, we wad like 
 to see't.' ' O weel I watye may see't, and hear't too,' 
 says Richie ; ' it's our gudewife's tongue, it's gaen sax 
 weeks, night an' day, an' it 'ill ne'er stop mair ! ' 
 
 BON MOT OF JAMES VI. 
 
 In the course of James VI. 's progress from Edin- 
 burgh to London, when he went to assume the sove- 
 reignty of his new empire, he was treated with a splen- 
 did entertainment by the mayor of an English town, 
 whose liberality was such that he kept open house, in 
 honour of the new sovereign, for several days. Some 
 of the English courtiers took occasion from this to hint 
 that such examples of munificence must be very rare 
 among the civic dignitaries of a certain other king- 
 dom. * Fient a bit o' that are they ! ' cried King James. 
 ' The provost o' my burgh of Forfar, whilk is by nae 
 means the largest town in Scotland, keeps open house 
 a' the vear round, and aye the mae that comes the wel- 
 
Scottish A7iecdotes. 47 
 
 comer ! ' The secret was, that the chief magistrate of 
 Forfar kept an ale-house. 
 
 EASY MODE OF CHANGING A MINISTRY. 
 
 At the time when Lord Liverpool's retirement from- 
 public life occasioned so many revolutions in the 
 Cabinet, a girl at Perth one day expressed great sur- 
 prise at what she heard regarding the king's dissatis- 
 faction with his ministers. ' Dear me ! ' said she^ 
 * canna he just gang to another kirk ? ' 
 
 LONG CREDIT. 
 
 Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, 
 in roaming through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered: 
 the farm-house of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills,, 
 where they found no one at home but an old woman. 
 They immediately proceeded to search the house, and 
 soon finding a web of coarse, home-spun cloth, made 
 no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as they thought 
 would make a coat to each. The woman was exceed- 
 ingly incensed at their rapacity, and even had the hardi- 
 hood to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. ' Ye 
 villains ! ' she cried, ' ye'll ha'e to account for this yet ! 
 ye'll ha'e to account for this yet ! ' ' And whan will we 
 pe account for't ? ' asked one of the Highlanders. ' At 
 the last day, ye blackguards ! ' exclaimed the woman. 
 ' Ta last tay ! ' replied the Highlander : * tat pee cood 
 long credit — we'll e'en pe tak a waistcoat too ! ' at 
 the same time cutting off a few additional yards of the- 
 cloth.. 
 
40 Scotthh A7iecdotes. 
 
 AT MY wit's end. 
 
 A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for 
 his wit, was conversing with a lady ; who, at last quite 
 overpowered by the brilliance and frequency of his bon 
 mots, exclaimed, 'Stop, sir; there is really no end to 
 your wit.' — * God forbid, madam,' replied the humorist, 
 ^that I should ever be at my wit's end.' 
 
 GOOD FOR TRADE. 
 
 The late well-known Sandy Wood, surgeon in Edin- 
 burgh, was walking through the streets of that city 
 during the time of an illumination, when he observed 
 a young rascal breaking every window he could reach, 
 with as much industry as if he had been doing the most 
 commendable action in the world. Enraged at this 
 mischievous disposition, Sandy seized him by the col- 
 lar, and asked him what he meant by thus destroying 
 the honest people's windows. 'Why, it's all for the 
 good of trade,' replied the young urchin, ' I am a 
 glazier.^ * All for the good of trade, is it ? ' said Sandy, 
 raising his cane and breaking the boy's head. ' There, 
 then, that's for the good of 7Jiy trade — I am a surgeon.'' 
 
 ALLAN RAMSAY. 
 
 Ramsay's patroness, Susanna, Countess of Eglin- 
 toun, to whom he dedicates his immortal ' Gentle 
 Shepherd,' once sent him a present of a basket of fine 
 fruit. No poet of the last century could let such a 
 circumstance pass unsung ; accordingly, honest Allan 
 composed the following complimentary epigram, which 
 he returned in his note of acknowledgment to the 
 Countess : — 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 49 
 
 ' Now, Priam's son, ye may be mute ; 
 For I can bauldly brag with thee ; 
 Thou to the fairest gave the fruit — 
 The fairest gave the fruit to me.' 
 Not content with sending this to the person for 
 whom it was most particularly intended, he enclosed 
 a copy to his friend Budgell, who soon sent him back 
 the following comment upon it : — 
 ' As Juno fair, as Venus kind, 
 
 She may have been who gave the fruit ; 
 But had she had Minerva's mind, 
 
 She'd ne'er have given't to such a brute.' 
 
 THE NEW CUT. 
 
 An old Scotch clergyman, who had an old tailor for 
 his man, was one day riding home from a neighbouring 
 parish, where he had been assisting in the celebration 
 of the sacrament. 'John,' cried he, 'how comes it, do 
 you think, that my young brother there should have 
 such great assemblages of people hearing him, when I, 
 for instance, although preaching the same sermons I 
 ever preached, am losing my hearers daily ? ' ' Lord 
 bless ye, sir,' answered his sage valet, ' it's jist wi' 
 you as it's wi' mysel. I sew jist as weel as ever I 
 
 did ; yet that puir elf has ta'en my business 
 
 maist clean awa. It's no the sewing that'll do, sir ; 
 it's the new cut ; it's jist the new cut.' 
 
 EBENEZER ERSKINE. 
 
 The Scottish peasantry are remarkable at once for 
 the great reverence they pay to their clergymen, and 
 the freedom with which they discuss the merits and 
 
 D 
 
5© Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 demerits of these personages. In no country, perhaps, 
 is the church so entirely an establishment for the 
 poorer classes ; in no country does the poor man feel 
 so strong an interest in his spiritual guide. It might 
 almost be said of a Scottish country clergyman, 
 that he is the slave of his parishioners. Even the 
 meanest of them, the merest old wife, the most 
 wretched pauper, will affect a right of supervision over 
 his doctrine and conduct, and will institute inquiries 
 into both, which he sometimes finds it difficult to parry. 
 The Reverend Ebenezer Erskine, one of the fathers 
 of the Secession Church, was, in early life, minister of 
 the poor moorland parish of Portmoak, in the county 
 of Kinross. Having at length got a call, or appoint- 
 ment, to a better living at Stirling, he prepared to 
 remove ; but thought it expedient for some time to 
 conceal his intention from the people of Portmoak. 
 The matter, however, took wind ; and an old wife one 
 day accosted him with, ' Weel, sir, I'm tauld ye're 
 gaun to leave us.' ' Wha tauld ye that?' said the 
 minister. ' Wha tauld me, sir ! It's e'en the clash 
 o' the kintry, sir.' * Ay, but, Margaret,' quoth the 
 clergyman, ' the clash o' the kintry's no to be de- 
 pended on. We shouldna lend an ear to idle rumours. 
 Hae ye nae better authority for saying that I'm gaun 
 to leave ye than kintry clash ? ' ' Ay, hae I, sir,' 
 responded the incontrovertible old lady ; ' it's been a 
 gey dry simmer this ; and yet ye haena casten ony 
 peats yet ; that's no like as ye had been gaun to winter 
 wi' us.' 'Weel, Margaret,' said poor Ebenezer, fairly 
 brought to his marrow-bones by this thrust, *ye ken 
 we are the Lord's servants, and it behoves us to obey 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 5 1 
 
 His call ; if He has work for me in Stirling, you know 
 it is my duty to perform it. ' * Feuch ! ' cried Margaret ; 
 
 * call here, call there : I've heard that Stirling has a 
 great muckle stipend ; and I'm thinking if the Lord 
 had gi'en ye a ca' ower bye to Auchtertool ' (a neigh- 
 bouring poor parish), ' ye wad ne'er hae lutten on ye 
 heard Him ! ' 
 
 BENEFIT OF OBEYING A WIFE. 
 
 A clergyman, travelling through the village of Kettle, 
 in Fife, was called into an inn to officiate at a marriage, 
 instead of the parish minister, who, from some accident, 
 was unable to attend, and had caused the company to 
 wait for a considerable time. While the reverend 
 gentleman was pronouncing the admonition, and just 
 as he had told the bridegroom to love and honour his 
 wife, the said bridegroom interjected the words, ' and 
 obey,' which he thought had been omitted from over- 
 sight, though that is part of the rule laid down solely 
 to the wife. The minister, surprised to find a husband 
 willing to be henpecked by anticipation, did not take 
 advantage of the proposed amendment ; on which the 
 bridegroom again reminded him of the omission, — 
 
 • Ay, and obey, sir, — love, honour and obey, ye ken ! ' 
 and he seemed seriously discomposed at finding that 
 his hint was not taken. Some years after, the same 
 clergyman was riding once more through this village 
 of the culinary name, when the same man came out 
 and stopped him, addressing him in the following re- 
 markable words : — ' D'ye mind, sir, yon day when ye 
 married me, and when I wad insist upon vowing to 
 ^bey my wife ? Weel, ye may now see that I was in 
 
52 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 the richt. Whether ye wad or no, I hae obeyed my 
 wife ; and, behold, I am now the only man that has a 
 twa-storey house in the hale toun ! ' 
 
 ABANDONED HABITS. 
 
 A jeu-de-mot in the comedy of 'Pride shall have a 
 Fall,' has been much admired ; it is the answer of 
 Torrento to the Colonel, when the latter offers him 
 his wardrobe, which he refuses, saying, ' My clothes 
 shall sit yet lighter on me before I take up the aban- 
 doned habits of the Hussars.'' The following, however, 
 if not the better, is, at least, the more original of the 
 two : — On the formation of what was called the Coali- 
 tion Ministry, Mr Erskine was appointed to succeed 
 Mr Dundas (afterwards Lord Melville) in the impor- 
 tant situation of Lord Advocate for Scotland. On the 
 morning of receiving his appointment, he had an 
 interview with Mr Dundas in the Outer Parliament- 
 House ; when, observing that the latter gentleman 
 had already resumed the ordinary stuff gown, which 
 all the practitioners at the Scottish Bar, except the 
 Lord Advocate and the Solicitor-General for the time 
 being, are in the custom of wearing, he said gaily, 
 that he 'must leave off talking,' and go and order his 
 'silk gown to be made.' 'It is hardly worth while,' 
 said Mr Dundas, drily, ' for the time you will want it, 
 you had better borrow mine,' Mr Erskine replied, 
 ' From the readiness with which you made the offer, 
 Mr Dundas, I have no doubt that yours is a gown 
 made to fit any party ; but, however short my time in 
 office may be, it shall never be said of Henry Erskine 
 that he put on the abandoned habits of his predecessor. ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 53 
 
 LORD JUSTICE-CLERK. 
 
 The Lord Justice-Clerk is the chief judge of the 
 Scottish Criminal Court, in addition to which dignity 
 he sits at the head of one division of the great CiArii 
 Court of the country. It will thus be imagined by a 
 southern reader that he is a personage of no sma.ll 
 local dignity. A bearer of this office was once shoot- 
 ing over the grounds of a friend in Ayrshire by himself, 
 when a game -keeper, who was unacquainted with his 
 person, came up and demanded to see his licence, or 
 card of permission. His Lordship had unfortunately 
 nothing of the sort about his person ; but, secure in his 
 high character and dignity, he made very light of the 
 omission, and was preparing to renew his sport. The 
 man, however, was zealous in his trust, and sternly for- 
 bad him to proceed any farther over the fields. ' What, 
 sirrah,' cried his Lordship ; *do you know whom you 
 are speaking to ? I am the Lord Justice-Clerk ! ' — ' I 
 dinna care,' replied the man, ' whase clerk ye are ; but 
 ye maun shank aff thir grounds ; or, by my saul, I'll 
 lay your feet fast.' The reader is left to co'hceive the 
 astonishment of the unfortunate j \idge at finding him- 
 self treated in a style so different from his wont. 
 
 A similar story is told of a member of the Scottish 
 Faculty of Advocates, distinguished for his literary 
 attainments. One day presenting himself on horseback 
 at a toll, he found, on searching his pockets, that he 
 had not a farthing in his possession wherewith to pur- 
 chase a right of passage. He disclosed his circum- 
 stances to the man who kept the bar, and requested 
 
54 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 that he might have credit till the next time he came 
 back ; but the fellow was deaf to all entreaties, repre- 
 senting how often he had been bilked by persons pre- 
 tending the same thing. The advocate was offended 
 at this insinuation, and, drawing himself up in the 
 saddle, exclaimed, * Look in my face, sir, and say if you 
 think I am likely to cheat you ? ' The man looked as he 
 was desired, but answered, with a shake of his head, 
 
 'I'll thank you for the twopence, sir.' Mr was 
 
 obliged to turn back. 
 
 TWO CROPS IN THE YEAR. 
 
 A Scotch clergyman in a moorland parish received 
 a visit from an English friend in the month of Decem- 
 ber. From an unkindly season, operating on an 
 ungenial soil, it so happened that the little crop of 
 the glebe was only then under the sickle — or rather 
 under the scythe — of honest John Fairweather, the 
 minister's man. In spite of sundry small artifices to turn 
 the Englishman's attention another way, and prevent 
 him from spying the nakedness of the land, he one day 
 stumbled upon John busy in his operations, to whom 
 he expressed his surprise at what he saw. John, whose 
 zeal for the honour of his country was quite equal to 
 his master's, assured him that this was the second crop 
 within the year ; and the Englishman shortly after went 
 away, grudging vScotland her more fortunate climate. 
 When John was reproved by his master for practising 
 a deception, he said, * Sir, it's as true as the Gospel ; 
 ye ken yoursel, the last crop wasna aff the ground till 
 Januar this blessed year.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 55 
 
 SPINNING A TEXT. 
 
 A clergyman in Banffshire, more celebrated for his 
 eloquence than his prudence, being solicited to officiate 
 one Sabbath day for a brother of the same profession, 
 who was indisposed, was so obliging as to comply 
 with the request. When the exercises of the day were 
 ended, he thought proper to indulge in a hearty re- 
 freshment, in order to renovate his exhausted spirits. 
 Going home at night he met a gentleman of his ac- 
 quaintance, who inquired how he was, and where he 
 had been? To which he answered, ' He had been 
 spinning out a text.' * Yes,' says the gentleman, ' and 
 you are now reeling it home.' 
 
 GOOD REASON. 
 
 An old bed-rid peasant in Fife one day called to his 
 grandson, a little boy, 'Jock, bring me a drink o' cauld 
 water.' Jock, who remembered that there was no 
 water in the house, except a small quantity at the bot- 
 tom of a pitcher, which had become muddy, asked his 
 venerable relation if he would prefer it with what he 
 called 'a flitcher o' meal on the tap o't? ' ' No,' an- 
 swered the old man, ' bring it by itself * Then,' said 
 Jock, in a tone of evident chagrin, ' I'll hae to gang 
 to the wall for't.' 
 
 A GOOD CUSTOMER. 
 
 When the son of a certain London banker had eloped 
 to Scotland with a great heiress, whom he married, 
 still tetaining a paternal taste for parsimony, he ob- 
 jected to the demand of two guineas made by the priest 
 a' Gretna Green, stating that Captain had re- 
 
56 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 ported the canonical charge to be only five shillings ! 
 ' True,' replied Vulcan, ' but Captain is an Irish- 
 man, and I have married him five times ; so I con- 
 sider him as a good customer ; but, perhaps, I may 
 never see your face again.' 
 
 STRANGE PRAYER. 
 
 A Presbyterian minister, in the reign of King Wil 
 liam III.,performing public worship in the Tron Church 
 of Edinburgh, used this remarkable expression in his 
 prayer : — * Lord, have mercy upon all fools and idiots, 
 and particularly upon the Town Council of Edinburgh.' 
 
 ANOTHER. 
 
 Mr John Dickson, a clergyman of the same age and 
 country, praying for grace, said, * Lord, dibble thou the 
 kale-seed of thy grace in our hearts, and if we grow 
 not up good kale. Lord, make us good sprouts at least.' 
 
 THE UNLUCKY PRESENT : A TALE. 
 
 A Lanarkshire minister (who died within the present 
 century) was one of those unhappy persons who, to use 
 the words of a well-known Scottish adage, ' can never 
 see green cheese but their een waters.' He was ex- 
 tremely covetous, and that not only of nice articles of 
 food, but of many other things which do not generally 
 excite the cupidity of the human heart. The follow- 
 ing story is in corroboration of this assertion : — being 
 on a visit one day at the house of one of his parish- 
 ioners, a poor lonely widow, living in a moorland part 
 of the parish, he became fascinated by the charms ^* 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 57 
 
 a little cast-iron pot, which >ppened at the time 
 to be lying on the hearth, full of potatoes for the poor 
 woman's dinner, and that of her children. He had 
 never in his life seen such a nice little pot — it was 
 a perfect conceit of a thing — it was a gem — no pot 
 on earth could match it in symmetry — it was an object 
 altogether perfectly lovely. ' Dear sake ! minister,* 
 said the widow, quire overpowered by the reverend 
 man's commendations of her pot ; ' if ye like the pat 
 sae weel as a' that, I beg ye'll let me send it to the 
 manse. It's a kind o' orra ' {superfluous) * pat wrC us ; 
 for we've a bigger ane, that we use for ordinar, and 
 that's mair convenient every way for us. Sae ye'll 
 just tak a present o't. I'll send it ower the morn wi' 
 Jamie, when he gangs to the schule.' * Oh ! ' said 
 the minister, ' I can, by no means, permit you to be 
 at so much trouble. Since you are so good as to give 
 me the pot, I'll just carry it home with me in my hand. 
 I'm so much taken with it, indeed, that I would really 
 prefer carrying it myself.' After much altercation 
 between the minister and the widow, on this delicate 
 point of politeness, it was agreed that he should carry 
 home the pot himself. 
 
 Off then he trudged, bearing this curious little culin- 
 ary article, alternately in his hand and under his arm, 
 as seemed most convenient to him. Unfortunately 
 the day was warm, the way long, and the minister fat ; 
 so that he became heartily tired of his burden before 
 he got half-way home. Under these distressing cir- 
 cumstances it struck him, that if, instead of carrying 
 the pot awkwardly at one side of his person, he were 
 to carry it on his head, the burden would be preatlv 
 
58 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 lightened ; the principles of natural philosophy, which 
 he had learned at college, informing him, that when a 
 load presses directly and immediately upon any object, 
 it is far less onerous than when it hangs at the remote 
 end of a lever. Accordingly, doffing his hat, which 
 he resolved to carry home in his hand, and having 
 applied his handkerchief to his brow, he clapped the 
 pot, in inverted fashion, upon his head, where, as the 
 reader may suppose, it figured much like Mambrino's 
 helmet, upon the crazed capital of Don Quixotte, only 
 a great deal more magnificent in shape and dimensions. 
 There was, at first, much relief and much comfort in 
 this new mode of carrying the pot : but mark the re« 
 suit. The unfortunate minister having taken a by- 
 path, to escape observation, found himself, when still 
 a good way from home, under the necessity of leaping 
 over a ditch, which intercepted him, in passing from 
 one field to another. He jumped ; but surely no jump 
 was ever taken so completely in, or, at least into, the 
 dark as this. The concussion given to his person in 
 descending, caused the helmet to become a hood ; the 
 pot slipped down over his face, and resting with the 
 rim upon his neck, stuck fast there ; enclosing his 
 whole head as completely as ever that of a new-born 
 child was enclosed by the filmy bag, with which nature, 
 as an indication of future good fortune, sometimes in- 
 vests the noddies of her favourite offspring. What was 
 worst of all, the nose, which had permitted the pot to 
 slip down over it, withstood every desperate attempt, 
 on the part of its proprietor, to make it slip back 
 again ; the contracted part, or neck, of the patera, 
 being of such a peculiar formation as to cling fast to 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 59 
 
 the base of the nose, although it had found no difficulty 
 in gliding along its hypothenuse. Was ever minister 
 in a worse plight ? Was there ever contretemps so 
 unlucky ? Did ever any man — did ever any minister, 
 so effectually hoodwink himself, or so thoroughly shut 
 his eyes to the plain light of nature ? What was to be 
 done ? The place was lonely ; the way difficult and 
 dangerous ; human relief was remote, almost beyond 
 reach. It was impossible even to cry for help ; or, if 
 a cry could be uttered, it might reach, in deafening 
 reverberation, the ear of the utterer ; but it would not 
 travel twelve inches farther in any direction. To add 
 to the distresses of the case, the unhappy sufferer soon 
 found great difficulty in breathing. What with the 
 heat occasioned by the beating of the sun on the metal, 
 and what with the frequent return of the same heated 
 air to his lungs, he was in the utmost danger of suffoca 
 tion. Everything considered, it seemed likely that, it 
 he did not chanced to be relieved by some accidental 
 wayfarer, there would soon be death in the pot. 
 
 The instinctive love of life, however, is omni-pre- 
 valent ; and even very stupid people have been found, 
 when put to the push by strong and'imminent peril, 
 to exhibit a degree of presence of mind, and exert a 
 degree of energy, far above what might have been ex- 
 pected from them, or what they were ever known to 
 exhibit, or exert, under ordinary circumstances. So 
 it was with the pot-ensconced minister. Pressed by 
 the urgency of his distresses, he fortunately recollecte 1 
 that there was a smith's shop at the distance of about 
 a mile across the fields, where, if he could reach it 
 before the period of suffocation, he might possibly find 
 
6o Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 relief. Deprived of his eyesight, he acted only as a 
 man of feeling, and went on as cautiously as he could 
 with his hat in his hand. Half crawling, half sliding, 
 over ridge and furrow, ditch and hedge, somewhat like 
 Satan floundering over chaos, the unhappy minister 
 travelled, with all possible speed, as nearly as he could 
 guess, in the direction of the place of refuge. I leave 
 it to the reader to conceive the surprise, the mirth, the 
 infinite amusement of the smith, and all the hangers- 
 on of the smiddy, when, at length, torn and worn, faint 
 and exhausted, blind and breathless, the unfortunate 
 man arrived at the place, and let them know (rather 
 by signs than by words) the circumstances of his case. 
 In the words of an old Scottish song, — 
 
 * Out cam the gudeman, and high he shouted ; 
 Out cam the gudewife, and low she louted ; 
 And a' the town neighbours were gather'd about it ; 
 And there was he, I trow.' 
 
 The merriment of the company, however, soon gave 
 way to considerations of humanity. Ludicrous as was 
 the minister, with such an object where his head 
 •should have been, and with the feet of the pot point- 
 ing upwards, like the horns of the great Enemy, it 
 was, nevertheless, necessary that he should be speedily 
 restored to his ordinary condition, if it were for no 
 other reason than that he might continue to live. He 
 was, accordingly, at his own request, led into the 
 smithy, multitudes flocking around to tender him their 
 kindest oflices, or to witness the process of release ; 
 and, having laid down his head upon the anvil, the 
 smith lost no time in seizing and poising his goodly 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 6i 
 
 forehammer. * Will I come sair on, minister ? ' ex- 
 claimed the considerate man of iron in at the brink of 
 the pot. ' As sair as ye like,' was the minister's 
 answer ; * better a chap i' the chafts than die for want 
 of breath.' Thus permitted, the man let fall a blow, 
 which fortunately broke the pot in pieces, without 
 hurting the head which it enclosed, as the cook-maid 
 breaks the shell of the lobster, without bruising the 
 delicate food within. A few minutes of the clear air, 
 and a glass from the gudewife's bottle, restored the 
 unfortunate man of prayer ; but, assuredly, the in- 
 cident is one which will long live in the memory of 
 the parishioners of C — . 
 
 EXPORTED AND TEANSPORTED DEFINED. 
 
 A gentleman recently married, was enjoying, with 
 his fair one, an evening walk along the beach at 
 Musselburgh. ' Pray, my dear,' said the lady, ' what 
 is the difference between exported and transported ? ' 
 At that moment a vessel left the harbour, bound for a 
 foreign port. * Were you, my love, ' returned the 
 gentleman, 'aboard that vessel, you would be ex- 
 ported, and I would be transported.' 
 
 A counsel's opinion of the folly of 
 
 GOING TO LAW. 
 
 Counsellor M — t, being in company one day, after 
 he had retired from practice, the glorious uncertainty 
 of the law became the subject of conversation, He 
 was appealed to for his opinion, when he laconically 
 observed, ' If any man was to claim the coat upon 
 my back, and threaten me with a lawsuit, in case of 
 
62 Scottish Anecaotes. 
 
 a refusal to give it him, he certainly should have it, 
 lest, in defending my coat, I should find out, too late, 
 that I was deprived of my vi^aistcoat also ! ' 
 
 A SHAVING PUN. 
 
 At one period, the corporation of skinners, in the 
 burgh of Lanark, before its total extinction, was threat- 
 ened with self dissolution ; when, in order to keep up 
 the show of a body corporate, the fast expiring remnant 
 bethought themselves of admitting into their number 
 members who knew nothing of the craft. The 
 measure was strenuously opposed by the magistrates, 
 and the matter was carried to the Court of Session. 
 During one of the pleadings before the Lord Ordinary, 
 the counsel for the magistrates observed that a barber 
 had been admitted, — at the same time adding, with 
 dignified emphasis, — 'And sure my Lord, he is no 
 skinner.' His Lordship, with an arch smile, briefly 
 interrupted him with, * I am not sure of that ; per- 
 haps he is skinner enough.' 
 
 A WORD TO SNUFF TAKERS. 
 
 A lady asked her physician whether snuff was 
 injurious to the brain? ' No,' said he, 'for nobody 
 who has any brains ever takes snuff.' 
 
 TWO POETS TO ONE COUPLET. 
 
 A young student, walking with another round the 
 Calton Hill at Edinburgh, began to expatiate on the 
 matchless beauties and infinite variety of the views 
 which were to be obtained from that site ; and he at 
 length confessed, that, inspired by the admirable pro- 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 63 
 
 spect of the coast of Fife, on the opposite side of the 
 Firth of Forth, he had commenced a poem in its praise ; 
 but he had, somehow, failed to get beyond the first 
 line : — 
 
 ' Again we see upon the northern shore,' — 
 * Why, man,' answered his companion, ' I think it 
 would be no difficult matter to make that a couplet. 
 Let me see, — 
 
 "Kinghorn still standing where it stood before." ' 
 
 ALEXANDER HENDERSON. 
 
 Of this celebrated divine (the leading clergyman of 
 the Church of Scotland during the earlier part of the 
 civil war, when clergymen were almost all statesmen), 
 the Episcopalians tell the following traditionary anec- 
 dote : — When Charles I. was confined in Carisbrook 
 Castle, he was attended by Mr Henderson, who was 
 the only divine of the Scottish Church whom this 
 unfortunate monarch could ever bear to be in his 
 presence. Mr Henderson used to entreat that the 
 King would permit him to pray before him ; but the 
 King, who was extremely averse to extemporaneous 
 prayers, constantly refused that favour, telling Mr Hen- 
 derson that he had chaplains of his own, and did not re- 
 quire any other help in the performance of his spiritual 
 exercises. At length the Presbyterian divine intreated 
 permission so warmly, that Charles did consent to give 
 him a hearing. Before the commencement, however, 
 of the prayer, his majesty caused an amanuensis to take 
 his station behind the arras, and commit to paper, in 
 shorthand, a correct copy of all that Mr Henderson 
 should say. This was done ; and, in the course of a 
 
64 Scottish Anecdotes 
 
 few days, Charles took out a paper from his pocket, 
 and, handing it to Mr Henderson, asked what he 
 thought of this strange religious rhapsody. * Why,"" 
 answered the divine, after having perused the paper 
 deliberately, ' this is a tissue of rank blasphemy/ 
 ' Well,' replied Charles, ' I assure you, Mr Henderson, 
 upon my faith as a Christian, and my honour as a King,. 
 that is your own prayer ! ' 
 
 HIGHLAND BAPTISM. 
 
 A Highland baptism once took place under the fol- 
 lowing very strange circumstances : — The minister had 
 appointed the father, with his child and the attendant 
 train, to meet him at a particular spot, half way be- 
 twixt the residences of both ; the whole distance being 
 too great for the minister to travel. It happened, how- 
 ever, that a mountain stream, near the place of rendez- 
 vous, had swollen in such a way that it was impossible 
 for either party to cross. Under these distressing cir- 
 cumstances, a debate ensued betwixt the minister on 
 one side, and the man on the other, as to how they 
 should manage manners without the disagreeable ne- 
 ces ity of deferring the ceremony ; and it was at last 
 determined that the man should hold out his child, 
 and the minister attempt to throw across some water 
 upon its face. The distance being somewhat con- 
 siderable, it was not without great difficulty that the 
 necessary ablution was performed. ' Hae ye got ony 
 o' that ? ' cried the minister at every successive lash. 
 ' Deil a spairge,' replied Donald. At last some few 
 splashes were communicated to the infant's visage ; 
 and the ceremony was then concluded as usual. It is 
 
Scottish A?iecdotes, 65 
 
 not upon record, however, that Donald found it pos- 
 sible to throw over to the minister, in return for his 
 exertions, any of the whisky which he had brought 
 with him for the entertainment of the party. 
 
 READ SERMONS. 
 
 The antipathy entertained by the Scotch of the lower 
 orders against read ser?nons, is the subject of various 
 good jokes in the present collection, but of none, per- 
 haps, better than the following. A country clergyinan, 
 on the north side of the Forth, who had a most zealous 
 respect for true religion and sound Toryism, was guilty 
 of this fault to a great degree — was, indeed, as his 
 parishioners said, a perfect slave to the paper. At the 
 acquittal of the pure and lovely Queen Caroline, in 
 1821, the inhabitants of the village where this clergy- 
 man's manse stood, resolved on having an illumination 
 as well as their neighbours ; and the bellman was sent 
 round to announce the event. In the course of his 
 peregrinations, John stopped opposite the manse, and 
 read his proclamation. The news of a Radical illumin- 
 ation in the parish alarmed the minister extremely ; he 
 ran out, crying, ' Stop, John ; wha bad ye cry that ? 
 Ye souldna cry that, John.' 'Deed, sir,' answered 
 John, ' I'll just cry what I'm paid for, and ne'er speir 
 wha gies me the paper.' The minister, seeing that no 
 good was to be done in this way, made up to John, 
 and, snatching the paper from him, ran off. ' Hoot, 
 man,' cried the sardonic Scot, * ye needna rin sae fast ; 
 though ye canna tell your story wanting your paper, 
 d'ye think I canna do wanting mine ? ' 
 
66 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 THE TWO STORY-TELLERS. 
 
 The clergymen of two adjoining parishes in Forfar- 
 shire (about the end of the last century) were both alike 
 remarkable for an infinite fund of anecdote, as well 
 as for a prodigious willingness, or rather eagerness, 
 to disclose it. When one of them happened to be 
 present in any company he generally monopolised, or 
 rather prevented, all conversation ; when both were 
 present, there was a constant and keenly contested 
 struggle for the first place. It fell out on a certain 
 morning that they breakfasted together, without any 
 other company ; when the host, having a kind of right 
 of precedence, in virtue of his place, commenced an 
 excellent, but very long-winded, story, which his guest 
 was compelled to listen to, though disposed, at the 
 end of every sentence, to strike in with his parallel, 
 and far more interesting, tale. As the host proceeded 
 with his story, he poured hot water into the teapot ; 
 and, so completely was he absorbed in the interest 
 of what he was relating, or rather perhaps so intent 
 was he to engage the attention of his listener, that 
 he took no note of what he was doing, but permitted 
 the water first to overflow the vessel into which he 
 was pouring it, then the table, and finally the floor. 
 The guest observed what was going on ; but, being 
 resolved for once to give his rival ample scope and 
 verge enough, never indicated by word, or look, or 
 gesture, that he perceived it, till at last, as the speaker 
 brought his voice to a cadence, for the purpose of 
 finishing the tale, he quietly remarked, ' Ay, ye may 
 stop noo — it's rinnin' oot at the door ! ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 67 
 
 WATER VERSUS WAITER. 
 
 The inhabitants of the Border, particularly in the 
 upper part of Roxburghshire, have a peculiar way of 
 sounding the vowel a, which, as the English use it in 
 gall, they generally pronounce as in gale. The follow- 
 ing dialogue, which passed a few years ago at Tower 
 Inn in Hawick, between a gentleman travelling for a 
 mercantile house in London, and a female servant who 
 had just conducted him to the traveller's room, will 
 serve as an illustration : — 
 
 Traveller, Send the waiter here. 
 
 Girl. Yes, sir ; \_goes out hit returns almost imme- 
 diately] what kind o' waiter do ye want, sir ? 
 
 Traveller. Kind of waiter ! Why, how many kinds 
 have you? 
 
 Girl. Twae, sir, — waiter- waiter and woal- waiter. 
 
 Traveller. Waiter-waiter and woal-waiter ! And 
 pray what is the particular distinction ? 
 
 Girl. Distinction, sir ? Ou, the tane is soft and 
 gude for washin', and the tother hard and pleesant for 
 drinkin'. 
 
 Our traveller was at a stand-still ; he was literally 
 done up. At last, he desired the girl to send both the 
 waiter-waiter and the woal-waiter before him, that he 
 might judge for himself. But his surprise came to a 
 climax when she presented him with two large jugs, 
 which she said contained the waiters he desired. After 
 no little trouble, he discovered that the good people 
 of Hawick pronounced the words water and waiter 
 alike ; and that the only difference between waiter- 
 waiter and woal-waiter was, that the one was drawn 
 from the Slitridge, which they call 'the waiter,' and 
 
68 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 the other from the well. As for 'waiting-waiters,' 
 they had 'nane ; ' they were ' a' waitin'-maids.' 
 
 DR HUGH BLAIR. 
 
 Dr Blair used to tell the following anecdote of his 
 precentor with a great deal of glee. Happening to 
 preach one day at a distance from town, he next day 
 met that official as he was returning to his house in 
 town. * Well,' said the doctor, ' how did matters pro- 
 ceed yesterday at church in my absence ? ' ' Deed,' 
 said the man of song, who was a very vain fellow, but 
 withal a good deal of a humorist, ' I darsay, no very 
 weel : I wasna there, doctor, ony mair than yoursel.' 
 
 It will perhaps be believed with difficulty that 
 Blair was himself a very vain man. A gentleman one 
 day met him on the street, and, in the course of con- 
 versation, mentioned that his friend, Mr Donald Smith,, 
 banker, was anxious to secure a seat in the High 
 Church, that he might become one of Dr Blair's con- 
 gregation. ' Indeed, ' continued this person, * my 
 friend is quite anxious on this subject. He has tried 
 many preachers, but he finds your sermons, doctor, so 
 superior in the graces of oratory, and so full of pointed 
 observation of the world, that he cannot think of 
 settling under any other than you. ' * I am very glad 
 to hear that I am to have Mr Smith for a hearer,' said 
 the preacher, with unconscious self-gratulation ; ' he 
 is a very sensible man. ' 
 
 Vanity, however, is perhaps not so much an in- 
 firmity of genius, as it is its cause, or at least the 
 cause why it is displayed ; it being so evident, in many 
 cases where men transcend their fellows in intellectual 
 
Scottish Atiecdotes. 69 
 
 display, that they are only employing their better and 
 iiigher faculties for the gratification of this and other 
 mean passions. But Blair was a man of the humblest 
 species of vanity, — that of person. His taste and 
 accuracy in dress were absolutely ridiculous. There 
 was a correctness in his wig, for instance — a literally 
 hair-breadth exactness — compared with which, the 
 smooth lank locks of a Methodist are as those of the 
 Gorgon, and the tresses of Edward Irving as pine-tops 
 tossed in a storm. The surface of it was like that of 
 an egg rather than anything else, and that both in re- 
 ference to general outline and smoothness. He was 
 so careful about his coats, too, that, not content with 
 merely looking at himself in a mirror, to see how it 
 fitted in general, he would cause the tailor to lay the 
 looking-glass on the floor, and then, standing a-tip-toe 
 over it, he would peep athwart his shoulder, to see how 
 the skirts htcng. 
 
 It is also yet remembered in Edinburgh, with what 
 a self-satisfied and finical air this great divine used to 
 walk between his house and the church every Sunday 
 morning, when about to perform service ; his wig 
 prigged and powdered so nicely, his gown so scrupu- 
 lously arranged on his shoulders, his bands so pure and 
 clean, and everything about him in such exquisite 
 taste and neatness. Surely, if he had not had the 
 feeling of his own and the public approbation strong 
 upon him, he could not have made such a strange 
 display on the open streets of a crowded capital. 
 
 During the latter part of his life, almost all strangers 
 of distinction who visited Edinburgh brought letters 
 of introduction to Dr Blair ; and, as he was quite at 
 
70 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 ease in point of worldly circumstances, and had then, 
 in a great measure, ceased to study vigorously, he in 
 general entertained them frequently and well. On 
 one of these occasions, when he had collected a con- 
 siderable party to meet an English clergyman at 
 dinner, a Scotsman present, proud of the doctor's fame, 
 indiscreetly asked the stranger what was thought of 
 the Sermons by his professional brethren. To his 
 horror, and to the mortification of Mrs Blair, who sat 
 near, and who looked upon her husband as a sort of 
 divinity, the Englishman answered, 'Why, they are 
 not partial to them at all.' 'How, sir?' faltered out 
 the querist ; 'how should that be?' 'Why,' replied 
 the Southron, ' because they're so much read and so 
 generally known, that they can't borrow from them. ' 
 The whole company, hitherto in a state of the highest 
 alarm and embarrassment, were, at this ingenious 
 compliment, thrown into a perfect convulsion of 
 laughter. 
 
 DR G -E. 
 
 An old woman in Fife, observing an immense and 
 long continued crowd of people one day passing the 
 door of her lonely cot, at last asked some one what 
 was the object of attraction. 'We're a' gaun,' he 
 
 replied, ' to see Mr settled ; ' and he mentioned 
 
 the name of a clergyman, equally remarkable for his 
 volatility and his genius, who was that day to be 
 placed, or settled, as it is called in Scotland, in the 
 parish church of Cults. 'Aweel I wat,' said the old 
 woman, ' ye may see him placed ; but it's no this 
 Presbytery, nor ony other in a' Scotland, that'll ever 
 see him settled! ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 71 
 
 DRY IN CHURCH. 
 
 The Rev. Doctors H — and M — were colleagues 
 in the Old Church of Edinburgh. One Sunday, when 
 it was Dr M — 's turn to preach, he had got himself 
 very much wetted by a heavy rain, and was standing 
 before the session-room fire, drying his clothes, when 
 Dr H — came in, whom he requested would that day 
 take his place, as he had escaped the shower. * Oh, 
 by no means,' replied the doctor ; ' gang up to the 
 poopit, ye'll be dry eneuch there. ^ 
 
 LIVING WITHOUT BRAINS. 
 
 As the late Professor H — was walking near Edin- 
 burgh, he met one of those beings usually called fools. 
 • Pray,' says the professor, accosting him, ' how long 
 can a person live without brains ? ' 'I dinna ken,' re- 
 plied the fellow, scratching his head ; * how long have 
 you lived yoursel, sir ? ' 
 
 THE LORD SAID UNTO MOSES. 
 
 A late minister of Crossmichael, in Galloway, was 
 one of those primitive pastors, formerly numerous in 
 Scotland, who did not disdain to illustrate their sub- 
 jects with such images and allusions as were within the 
 comprehension of their homely hearers. Indeed, his 
 sermons were very much in the style of an easy con- 
 versation, interspersed with occasional parentheses, 
 applicable to individual characters, or to the circum- 
 stances which arose before his eyes in the church, as 
 the sleeping of the aged and the fat, or the ogling of 
 the young and the amorous, or any impropriety of a 
 
72 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 similarly venial nature. To give the reader an idea 
 of this gentleman's manner in the pulpit, we may re- 
 count what he said one Sunday morning, in reading a 
 verse from the Book of Exodus. ' And the Lord said 
 unto Moses — steek that door ; I'm thinking, if ye had 
 to sit beside the door yoursel, ye wadna be sae ready 
 leaving it open : it was just beside that door that 
 Yedam Tamson, the bellman, gat his death o' cauld ; 
 and I'm sure, honest man, he didna let it stay muckle 
 open. And the Lord said unto Moses — put oot that 
 doug ; wha is't that brings dougs to the kirk, yafF- 
 yaffin? Let me never see ye bring your dougs here 
 ony mair, or I'll put you and them baith out. And 
 the Lord said unto Moses — I see a man aneath that 
 laft wi' his hat on : I'm sure ye're clean out o' the 
 soogh o' the door : keep afF your bannat, Tammas ; 
 and, if your bare pow be cauld, ye maun just get a grey 
 worset wig like mysel ; they're no sae dear ; plenty 
 o' them at Rob Gillespie's for tenpence.' He again 
 began the verse, and at last made out the instructions 
 for Moses in a manner more strictly accordant with 
 the text and with decency. 
 
 DR M'CRIE's life OF KNOX. 
 
 When the Life of John ""-^nox was first published, as 
 nothing was expected, a pf.ori, from the work of a 
 seceding clergyman, its great merit was not perceived 
 for some time, especially by the literati. The way in 
 which it first fell under the notice of the author's 
 illustrious contemporary. Professor Dugald Stewart, 
 was veiy remarkable. The Professor, one Sunday 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 73 
 
 being confined at home with illness, and all the family 
 at church, except his man-servant, he had occasion to 
 ring his bell, to call up this faithful old attendant. To 
 his surprise, John did not make his appearance. Again 
 he rung the bell ; but still without effect. After ring- 
 ing a third time, he thought it necessary to step down 
 stairs, to see what could possibly be the occasion of 
 John's apparent negligence. On opening the door of 
 the old man's apartment, he found him sitting at a 
 little table, his eyes bent attentively upon a book, and 
 his whole soul apparently engrossed by what he was 
 reading. It was only on being shaken by the shoulder 
 that he rose from the trance of rapture in which he had 
 been held by the book. Mr Stewart was, of course, 
 much surprised at the sudden turn which John's mind 
 seemed to have taken in favour of literature ; and he 
 had the curiosity to ask what book it was which had 
 captivated him so wonderfully. * Why, sir,' said John, 
 * it's a book that tny minister has written, and really 
 it's a grand ane.' The Professor said he would take it 
 up with him to his room, and try what he could make 
 of it. He accordingly did so, and being once com- 
 menced, he found it fairly impossible to withdraw 
 himself till he had completed the perusal of its whole 
 contents. He next day waited upon Dr M'Crie, to 
 express the admiration he entertained for his perform- 
 ance ; which he did in the highest possible terms. 
 The author bowed to Mr Stewart's praises with the 
 modesty of real genius, and replied by a compliment 
 as exquisite as it was brief, ' Pulchrum est laudari a 
 laudato,' — It is delightful to be praised by one who 
 has himself gained the praise of mankind. 
 
74 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 LORD MONBODDO. 
 
 When one of Lord Monboddo's friends proposed 
 to solicit for him the office of a judge in the Scotch 
 Criminal Court, his Lordship said, — * No ; I have 
 more pleasure in looking after my little farm, in the 
 vacation of the Court of Session, than I should have 
 in running about the country hanging people.' 
 
 THE minister's MAN. 
 
 The minister's man-servant, or as he is more gener- 
 ally termed, the minister's man, is often a very curious 
 and amusing personage ; the edges of his character, as 
 it were, being sometimes tinged with a clerical hue, 
 that gives an admirable finish to the secular main body. 
 A neighbouring clergyman on one occasion remarked 
 to one of these odd personages, who had been twenty- 
 five years in his situation, that by this time he must 
 almost be a minister himself, and able to preach nearly 
 as well as his master. * Indeed, sir,' answerer'. John, 
 * I'll no just say that ; but I believe I can sometimes 
 make a gude inference.'* 'Weel, John,' replied the 
 clergyman, willing to draw him out a little ; ' infer- 
 ences are very gude in their way. What inference, 
 pray, wad ye mak frae that passage, " Ephraim snuffeth 
 up the east wind, and is not satisfied ? " ' 'Atweel, sir,' 
 quoth John, with a sly glance at the figure of his in- 
 terrogator, which happened to be of the portliest, ' the 
 inference that I wad mak frae that passage is, that, if 
 he had naething else to live on, he wadna be very fat.' 
 
 * This is a system of commenting on certain passages of Scrip- 
 ture very common among the pious peasantry of Scotland. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 75 
 
 SIR GEORGE MACKENZIE. 
 
 This great man left his estates to an heiress, who was 
 married to the Earl of Bute. It is said that the Earl 
 married that young lady under very extraordinary cir- 
 cumstances, and after having practised a most laugh- 
 able ruse upon her father. Entertaining no hope of , 
 procuring Sir George's consent to the match, his lord- 
 ship went to him, in the capacity of a client wishing to 
 consult a lawyer, related to him all the circumstances 
 of the case, with the exception of the name of the young 
 lady, and asked, in conclusion, how he should proceed, 
 and if, in the event of their being married without the 
 father's consent, they might be disappointed in enjoy- 
 ing his estates after his death. Sir George, totally 
 unconscious that himself and his daughter were the per- 
 sons concerned, gave an advice which tended to the 
 very event he was expected to be adverse to — the clan- 
 destine marriage of his daughter to the Earl of Bute. 
 
 THE REV. MR SHERRA, OF KIRKCALDY. 
 
 Innumerable characteristic anecdotes are told of this 
 celebrated clergyman, who, for native humour and un- 
 restrained freedom of speech, never perhaps had his 
 equal in the Church of Scotland. It was one of his 
 many eccentricities to speak of secular, and even fami- 
 liar things in the time of divine service, so as some- 
 times to overset the gravity of his congregation. In 
 the year 1794, when a number of volunteer corps were 
 raised throughout the country for the defence of Govern- 
 ment, a Earkcaldy weaver, who had got himself newly 
 decked out in the flaming uniform of the Kirkcaldy 
 brigade, came one Sunday into church, after the com- 
 
76 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 mencement of divine service, and kept lounging about 
 for some time in the passage, to show himself in his 
 nevi^ attire, although repeatedly offered accommodation 
 in the pews. Mr Sherra was only prevented from im- 
 mediately reprehending his vanity by his being engaged 
 in prayer ; but, when that was concluded, he looked 
 over the pulpit and said to the new soldier, * Sit doon, 
 lad : we ken ye've gotten new breeks, and we'll tak a 
 leuk at them when the kirk skails.' 
 
 ANTICHRIST. 
 
 It was formerly a custom among the Scottish clergy 
 to make perpetual allusions in their prayers to the Pope, 
 whom they always characterised by the epithet Anti- 
 christ. At the time, however, of the French Revolu- 
 tion, the good old hatred of Popery gave way before a 
 still more dreadful subject of antipathy and horror, — 
 the mingled infidelity and Jacobinism propagated in 
 consequence of that tremendous event ; and it then be- 
 came customary to pray for the altar and the throne. 
 Soon atter this material change in the prayers had 
 taken place a poor woman one day said to the Rev. 
 Mr M — , of Montrose, ' Sir, I hae something to speir 
 at ye ; but ye maunna tak it ill. ' * Na, na, ' returned 
 Mr M — , ' I'll no tak it ill.' * Ou, dear me ! then,' re- 
 joined the old woman, ' is yon Annie Christie dead, 
 or is she better, that ye prayed sae lang aboot, for I 
 ne'er hear ye speak about her noo ? ' 
 
 LEARNED DIVINE. 
 
 The equivocality of many of the names of places in 
 Scotland has given occasion to a very amusing saying 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 77 
 
 regarding a clergyman. * He was born in the parish 
 of Dull, brought up at the school of Dicnse'' {qiiasi 
 Dunce), 'and finally settled minister in the parish of 
 Dron I ' 
 
 PAROCHIAL VISITATIONS. 
 
 It was once a prevalent custom with the Scotch 
 clergy to call their parishioners together, and catechise 
 them on the Christian doctrines. On such an occasion 
 the late Rev. Mr J — , minister of Coldingham in Ber- 
 wickshire, asked a simple country wife, who resided 
 at the farm of Coldingham Law (there always styled 
 'The Law' for brevity's sake), 'How many tables, 
 Janet, are there in the law ? ' ' Indeed, sir, I canna 
 just be certain,' answered Janet, ' but I think there'? 
 ane in the fore-room, and ane in the back-room, and 
 another upstairs ! ' 
 
 A Scotch clergyman, who owed his situation rather 
 to a titled patron than to his abilities, in visiting his 
 parishioners for the purpose of catechising them, 
 asked one old stern Presbysterian, ' Who made Paul a 
 preacher ? ' 'It wasna the Duke of Queensberry, ' re- 
 plied the old man with a grim smile. 
 
 Another clergyman, who was performing this part of 
 his duty, had called a great number of persons for con- 
 venience into the barn of one of his most respectable 
 parishioners, where he proceeded to examine them by 
 rotation. During the progress of the business, a 
 ploughman, who had great reason to fear that he 
 should be found grossly ignorant, thought it his best 
 
7 8 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 course to steal up to the top of a great pile of grain at 
 the end of the barn, and there ensconce himself. 
 On the clergyman, however, coming to his place, 
 and finding him absent, some one was malicious 
 enough to point out his place of concealment, and he 
 was obliged to come forth. Just as he was descend- 
 ing to the floor, the minister pronounced the question, 
 • What doth every sin deserve ? ' David, stumbling at 
 that moment on an empty firlot measure, which broke 
 his shins, exclaimed, in his agony, * God's curse ! ' 
 'Very well answered, indeed, David,' said the clergy- 
 man, and passed on to another. 
 
 On another such occasion, the clergyman addressed 
 the father of the family he was visiting. ' Well, John, 
 I hope you keep family worship regularly ? ' ' Ay, sir,' 
 answered John, 'in the time o' year o't.' 'In the 
 time o' year o't, John ! What do you mean ? ' 'Ye 
 ken, sir, we canna see in winter.' ' But, John, you 
 should buy candles.' ' Ay, sir,' replied John, ' but in 
 that case, I'm afraid the cost might owergang the 
 profit.' 
 
 FORENOON SERMON ENOUGH. 
 
 When the famous Claverhouse approached the scene 
 of his skirmish with the Conventiclers at Loudon Hill, 
 he carried with him a recusant minister of the name of 
 King, whom he had taken the day before in an act of 
 rebellion. Him he placed with a couple of dragoons 
 in the rear ; but when the royal troops were defeated, 
 the guard also took to flight, leaving the minister at 
 liberty to join his victorious friends. It is related that 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 79 
 
 when Claverhouse fled past the place where he was 
 standing, King, recollecting that the object of the ex- 
 pedition had been to disturb a forenoon meeting for 
 public worship, cried tauntingly after him, to ''stay 
 and get the afternoon's sermon.' 
 
 GOOD RETORT. 
 
 Lord Gardenstone, who was an enthusiastic admirer 
 of the fair sex, was one day met at the door of the Par- 
 liament House by Lord Kames, who was equally ad- 
 dicted to the vice of gathering money. Kames, rallying 
 Gardenstone for some anecdotes of his gallantries which 
 had lately come to light, ' Gang to the deil, my lord,' 
 cried the amoroso, ' my faut's aye growing the langer 
 the less ; but your's is aye the langer the waur. ' 
 
 A Scotch family, lately removed to London, wished 
 to have a sheep's head prepared as they were accus- 
 tomed to it at home, and sent a servant to the butcher's 
 to procure one. ' My gude man, ' said she to the 
 butcher, ' I want a sheep's head. ' ' There's plenty of 
 them,' replied he; 'choose which you will.' *Na,' 
 said she, * that winna do ; I want a sheep's head that 
 will sing' (singe). * Go, you idiot,' said he; 'who 
 ever heard of a sheep's head that could sing ? ' ' Why,' 
 replied she in wrath, ' it's ye that are the idiot ; for a 
 sheep's head in Scotland can sing : but I jalouse yer 
 English sheep are just as grit fules as their owners, 
 •md they can do naething as they ocht.' 
 
Scottish AnecdoteSy 
 
 KEEPING A GOOD HOUSE. 
 
 The following dialogue took place betwixt a clergy- 
 man and a man who called on him for a certificate of 
 good character : — 'They tell me, John, you dinna keep 
 a good house.' 'Na, sir,' said John, 'it's no sae weel 
 keepit as yours, but it's no to be expeckit ; we ha'ena 
 sae muckle to keep it wi'.' 
 
 A GOOD REASON. 
 
 In a manse in Fife, the conversation of a large party 
 one evening turned on a volume of sermons, which had 
 just been published with considerable success, and was 
 supposed to have brought a round sum into the hands 
 of the author. When the minister's wife heard of 
 what had been made by the volume, her imagination 
 was excited, and, turning to her husband, who sat a 
 little aside, she said, 'My dear, I see naething to- 
 hinder you to print a few of your sermons, too.' ' They 
 were a' printed lang syne,' said the candid minister 
 in his wife's ear. 
 
 BON MOTS OF DR PITCAIRNE. 
 
 Dr Alexander Pitcairne, who died in 17 13, but who 
 is yet remembered for his strong Jacobitism, his keen 
 wit, and his eminence as a physician, studied his pro- 
 fession in Holland, where he was for some time the 
 preceptor of Boerhaave. His political principles caus- 
 ing him to be no friend to the Republican Dutch, he 
 wrote the following execrative couplet upon them, as. 
 he was leaving the country : — 
 
 ' Amphibious wretches, sudden be your fall ', 
 May man undam you, and God damn you all ! ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 8i 
 
 Dull, however, as the Dutch are generally esteemed, 
 they had once paid him very smartly in his own coin. 
 Pitcairne, it seems, took great offence at the facility 
 with which the University of Leyden conferred de- 
 grees upon those applying for them. To ridicule 
 them, he sent for a diploma for his footman, which was 
 granted. He next sent for another for his horse. 
 This, however, was too gross an affront for even a 
 Dutchman to swallow. In a spirit of resentment, an 
 answer was returned, to the effect that, search hav- 
 ing been made in the books of the University, they 
 could find no instance of the degree of doctor having 
 been ever conferred upon a horse, although, in the in- 
 stance of Dr Pitcairne, it appeared that the degree had 
 once been conferred upon an ass. 
 
 He one Sunday stumbled into a Scotch kirk, where 
 the minister, completely overpowered by the affecting 
 nature of his subject, was half crying. 'What the 
 deevil makes the man greet ? ' said Pitcairne to a fellow 
 that stood near him. 'By my faith, sir,' answered 
 the man, ' ye wad maybe greet too, if ye were in his 
 place, and had as little to say.' The facetious doctor, 
 quite delighted with the man's wit, took him away to 
 a tavern, for the purpose of cultivating his acquaint- 
 ance ; but, it is generally said, that he never got 
 another good thing out of him : the man had expended 
 the whole power of his mind on one saying — he was 
 a man of one bon mot. 
 
 BLIND FOU. 
 
 A late reverend gentleman, in Aberdeenshire, being 
 summoned before his Presbytery for tippling, one of 
 F 
 
82 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 his elders, the constant participator of his orgies, was 
 summoned to appear as a witness against him. 
 ' Weel, John,' said a member of the reverend court, 
 ' did you ever see Mr C — the worse of drink ? ' 
 'Weel I wat, no,' answered John ; 'I've mony time 
 seen him the better o't, but never seen him the waur 
 o't.' ' But did you never see him drunk ? ' ' That's 
 what I'll never see,' replied the elder ; ' for lang be- 
 fore he's half slokened, I'm aye blind fou.'' 
 
 MEMORY WITHOUT JUDGMENT. 
 
 The late Rev. Thomas W — , minister of the parish 
 of Rescobie, in Angus, a man somewhat remarkable for 
 the singularity of his opinions in theological matters, 
 was one day riding abroad, when, coming suddenly 
 to a boggy part of the road, called in that part of the 
 country a spout, his mare plunged in, and stuck so 
 fast, that it was not without considerable difficulty and 
 danger she could be extricated. About a year after, 
 he had occasion to travel by the same way, and his 
 old mare was still the companion of his journey. The 
 road was now mended, and in excellent condition ; but, 
 on approaching the spot where her former disaster 
 happened, the mare suddenly stood still, snorted, 
 pricked her ears, neither blows nor entreaties could 
 induce her to go forward. The parson was obliged 
 to dismount ; and leading the refractory animal along 
 ho exclaimed, ' Ah, you old fool ! you are like mony 
 ane o' my flock — you have a good memory, but nae 
 judgment ! ' 
 
 DR GREGORY. 
 
 When the Royal Edinburgh Volunteers were raised. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 83 
 
 during the French revolutionary war, Dr Gregory, 
 Professor of the Practice of Physic in the University, 
 was one of the first to enrol himself in the corps. 
 Such was the zeal, indeed, with which this eminent 
 philosopher entered upon his duty, that, besides paying 
 the most punctual attendance on all regimental field- 
 days, he had the sergeant-major at home with him for 
 some time every day, to instruct him in the exercise. 
 On one of these occasions, the martinet, out of all 
 patience with the awkwardness of his learned pupil, 
 exclaimed in a rage, * By God, sir, I would rather 
 teach ten fools than one philosopher I ' 
 
 STILL YOUR PARISH MINISTER. 
 
 The late Dr Hardy, of Edinburgh, was for some 
 time minister of a country parish in Fife, the manse 
 and offices of which had been so much neglected, and 
 were in such a state of dilapidation, that he found it 
 necessary to sue for repairs. One heritor, either from 
 parsimony or poverty, most strenuously opposed the 
 measure ; and, being at last forced into compliance, it 
 produced such irritation of mind, that he could not 
 behave to Mr Hardy with common civility. The 
 necessary repairs being finished, a meeting of the 
 heritors took place, at which the minister was present. 
 The angry man's wrath not having yet subsided, and 
 being no longer able to restrain his vituperative pro- 
 pensities, he concluded some observations thus : — 
 •Now, Mr Hardy, you and your manse may go to 
 hell ! I am sure I should think myself well quit of 
 both.' The minister calmly replied, * Oh, sir, al 
 
84 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 though you had the power to send me there, you would 
 soon find that I would still be your parish minister ! ' 
 
 THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN SLEEP. 
 
 An old female alehouse-keeper of the parish of 
 Lunan, in Forfarshire (who greatly resembled the 
 browster-wife in 'The Bride of Lammermoor,' of 
 whom Johnnie Mortheuch said that she was ' deaf to 
 every thing but the clink o' the siller '), fell asleep one 
 Sunday in the time of sermon, and, notwithstanding 
 several strong admonitory hints from the elbow of a 
 neighbour, would not awake. The minister, an eccen- 
 tric, old-fashioned clergyman, observed the efforts of 
 that neighbour, and, leaning over the pulpit, said, ' Let 
 her alone, Elspeth ; I'll waken her mysel mair easily 
 than ye'll do. — Phew ! Phew ! ' {Here he whistled). ' A 
 bottle o' yill and a dram, Janet ! ' ' Coming, sir,' she 
 instantly replied. 
 
 they're all out. 
 On the memorable day when it was first known at 
 Edinburgh that Lord Granville's Administration was 
 dismissed, a certain learned law lord was seen posting 
 along the Earthen Mound to the Parliament House, 
 displaying with his arms and stick the most violent 
 gestures, and loudly exclaiming, 'They're all out — 
 they're all out, by God ! ' An elderly lady passing his 
 lordship at that instant, formed the alarming but very 
 natural idea, that all the wild beasts then displayed in 
 a menagerie on the Earthen Mound were broken loose ; 
 and she vehemently exclaimed, seizing his lordship at 
 the same moment by the arm, ' All out ! then may the 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 85 
 
 Lord have mercy upon my poor soul ! In five minutes 
 I shall be devoured alive ! ' 
 
 BON MOT OF JAMES BOSWELL. 
 
 James Boswell, distinguished in literature as the 
 biographer of Dr Johnson, was equally distinguished 
 in private life by his humour and power of repartee. 
 
 As he was pleading one day at the Scotch bar before 
 his father, Lord Auchinleck, who was at that time 
 ^vhat is called Ordinary on the Bills (Judge of cases in 
 the first stage), the testy old senator, offended at some- 
 thing his son said, peevishly exclaimed, 'Jamie, ye're 
 an ass, man.' 'Not exactly, my Lord,' answered the 
 junior ; * only a colt, the foal of an ass.' 
 
 LIGHT AS POSSIBLE. 
 
 A lady going into a tea shop in Leith, and buying a 
 pound of tea, the merchant said he would send it home. 
 *0h, no,' said she; 'it is not inconvenient, as it is 
 light.' 'Why,' said he, 'it is as light as I could pos- 
 sibly make it.' 
 
 FOREIGN AND BRITISH. 
 
 Mr D — , a well-known Glasgow wit, walking along 
 the Trongate one night rather muzzy, was accosted by 
 an acquaintance, who, in a tone of reproof, said to him, 
 * Mr D — , you will go to h — 1 yet, and there will be no 
 spirits there.' ' You're quite wrong,' retorted Mr D — ^ 
 'for there will be both Foreign and British.'' 
 
 RUSTIC IGNORANCE. 
 
 When Dr Johnson was travelling in the Highlands 
 of Scotland, he came up to a peasant who was em- 
 
86 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 ployed in paring turf to cover his hut — in other words, 
 casting divots. 'Pray, sir,' cried the lexicographer, 
 ' can you point out the way to the most contiguous 
 village, for we are dreadfully fatigued, having devi- 
 ated from our road these two hours ? ' ' You tired vn' 
 divoting twa hours ! ' replied the rustic, scornfully ; ' I 
 have been divoting since four o'clock this morning, and 
 must do so as lang as I can see, tired or not.' 
 
 WE THREE HIGHLANDMEN. 
 
 Three young Highlanders, about fifty years ago, set 
 out from their native hills, to seek a livelihood amongst 
 their countrymen in the Lowlands. They had hardly 
 learnt any English. One of them could say, 'We 
 three Highlandmen : ' the second, ' For the purse and 
 penny siller : ' and the third had very properly learnt, 
 * And our just right too ;' intending thus to explain the 
 motives of their journey. They trudged along ; when, 
 in a lonely glen, they saw the body of a man who had 
 been recently murdered : the Highlanders stopped to 
 deplore the fate of the unhappy man, when a gentleman, 
 with his servant, came up to the spot. ' Who murdered 
 this poor man ? ' said the gentleman ; * We three High- 
 landmen,' answered the eldest of the brothers (think- 
 ing the gentleman inquired what they were). ' What 
 could induce you to commit so horrid a crime ? ' con- 
 tinued the gentleman. ' For the purse and the penny 
 siller,' replied the second of the travellers. ' You will 
 be hanged, you miscreants ! ' ' And our just right too,' 
 returned the third Highlander. And the poor men 
 were, on their own evidence and presumption of guilt, 
 condemned and executed. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes, 87 
 
 BON MOTS OF THE HONOURABLE HENRY ERSKINE, 
 
 This celebrated wit, of whom it might be said more 
 truly, perhaps, than ofany other man that ever breathed, 
 that 
 
 ' he could not ope 
 
 His mouth, but out there flew a trope.' 
 
 was one day at a large dinner party, where Miss Hen- 
 rietta was also present. This lady had been the 
 
 most admired beauty of her day in Edinburgh ; but, at 
 the time in question, was a little past the meridian of 
 life. It must also be premised of her, that her name 
 was usually abbreviated into Hennie. ' Mr Erskine,' 
 said the lady, as the wine was beginning to circulate, 
 ' they say that ye're a great man for making puns ; 
 could ye mak a pun, d'ye think, on me ? ' ' Od, Hen- 
 nie,' the wit instantly replied, ' you might be making 
 puns yourself now ; I'm sure, Hennie. though ye be, 
 ye're nae chicken.' 
 
 Being one day in London, in company with the 
 Duchess of Gordon, he asked her, ' Are we never 
 again to enjoy the honour and pleasure of your Grace's 
 society at Edinburgh ? ' ' Oh ! ' said she, ' Edinburgh 
 is a vile, dull place ; I hate it.' ' Madam,' replied the 
 gallant barrister, ' the sun might as well say. There's 
 a vile, dark morning, I won't rise to-day.' 
 
 Being told that Knox, who had long derived his 
 livelihood by keeping the door of the Parliament House, 
 had been killed by a shot from a small cannon, on the 
 king's birth-day, he observed, that ' it was remarkable 
 a man should live by the civil, and die by the canon law. ' 
 
88 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 Mr Erskine placed two of his sons at the academy of 
 Mr Laing, teacher in Edinburgh, whose school house 
 is lighted from the roof. At one of the public exam- 
 inations Mr Erskine was present, who, observing some 
 drops of rain falling on the floor, in consequence of a 
 broken pane in the window, said, ' Mr Laing, I per- 
 ceive you spare no panes upon your scholars.' 
 
 A gentleman observed one day to Mr Erskine, that 
 punning is the lov/est sort of wit. ' It is so,' answered 
 he : and therefore the foundation of all wit.' 
 
 The same gentleman having one day entered the 
 Parliament House, found it full of smoke : on which 
 he remarked, * Gentlemen, what shall be done ? — It's 
 all over with us if they smoke us.' 
 
 Mr Erskine of Alva, afterwards a senator of the Col- 
 lege of Justice, under the title of Lord Bargaig, was a 
 man of very diminutive stature. Being retained as 
 counsel in a case where the Honourable Henry Erskine 
 appeared on the opposite side, he was obliged, on ac- 
 count of the press of the crowd, to have a chair brought 
 forward, on which he might raise himself, when ad- 
 dressing the bench. 'This,' the wit remarked, 'was 
 one way of rising at the Bar.' 
 
 The Prince of Wales's tradesmen at Edinburgh gen- 
 erally dined together on the anniversary of his Royal 
 Highness's birth-day. At one meeting, Mr Erskine 
 was in the chair. While a gentleman was singing after 
 dinner, the Prince's tobacconist accompanied the song 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 89 
 
 with his fingers upon the wainscoting of the room in a 
 very accurate manner. When the music finished, the 
 chairman said, he thought ' the Prince's tobacconist 
 might be a very excellent King's Counsel.'' On being 
 asked why ? the wit replied, ' Because I never heard a 
 man make so much oi z. pajiel.' 
 
 AN ANATOMY. 
 
 Hugo Arnot, happening to come into Mr Creech's 
 shop one day when an old woman was finding fault 
 with the printing and paper of a Bible she was about 
 to purchase, said, looking over her shoulder, that 
 both were 'good enough for the subject.' — * Oh, ye 
 monster ! ' exclaimed the woman ; when, turning 
 round, and observing his miserably meagre figure, she 
 added, * and he's an ajiatomy too ! ' 
 
 PLEASING THE YOUNG LAIRD, 
 
 A man being tried for his life in the court of a 
 Highland chieftain, before the abolition of those petty 
 jurisdictions, the jury for a long time hesitated to give 
 a verdict, and displayed an inclination to acquit the 
 panel. Just as they were about to decide, somebody 
 whispered, ' The Young Laird (that is, the eldest son 
 of the chieftain) has never seen an execution.' Upon 
 which a verdict of guilty was given, purely to gratify 
 the young gentleman with a spectacle. 
 
 HANGING TO PLEASE THE LAIRD. 
 
 During the reign of the feudal system amongst the 
 Highlanders, the Laird of Grant had condemned one 
 
90 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 of his vassals to be hanged. When Donald came to 
 the gallows, accompanied by Janet his faithful wife, 
 he seemed very reluctant to mount the ladder, and 
 stood a long time below the. fatal tree, shrugging his 
 shoulders. ' Hoot awa, Donald,' said Janet, clapping 
 her dear spouse's cheek, ' gang up like a man, and 
 please the laird.' Donald could not resist such a 
 powerful motive to obedience, but gallantly sprung to 
 meet the reward of his loyalty. 
 
 A TOAST. 
 
 At a dinner party one day, Sir John H — , whose 
 character was considered to be not altogether unex- 
 ceptionable, said he would give them a toast ; and, 
 looking hard in the face of Mrs M — , who was more 
 celebrated for wit than beauty, gave — 'Honest men 
 an' bonnie lasses ! ' ' With all my heart, Sir John,' 
 said Mrs M — , * for it neither applies to you nor me. ' 
 
 CUNNING. 
 
 A Mid-Lothian farmer, observing to his ploughboy^ 
 that there was a fly in the milk, 'Oh, ne'er mind, sir,' 
 said the boy, ' it winna droon, there's no sae meikle 
 o't.' 'Gudewife,' said the farmer, 'Jock says he has 
 o'er little milk.' ' There's milk enough for a' my 
 bread,' replied the sly rogue. 
 
 THE LAIRD OF D — . 
 
 A crusty tenant of the late Laird of D — , pressing 
 him to complete some piece of work which had long 
 stood over, the laird craved farther delay, adding, that 
 he would give his word of honour — nay, his written 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 91 
 
 bond, to have the thing done before a certain day. 
 ' Your word ! ' exclaimed the tenant, ' it's weel kenn'd 
 that will do me little guid ; and as for your writing 
 naebody can read it.' 
 
 NEW TITLE FOR NOBILITY. 
 
 As the Duke of Argyle was one day taking a ride, 
 he observed a poor man, who, at school, had been his 
 playfellow and equal, but was now tending two poor 
 lean horses, which were feeding by the wayside. His 
 Grace asked the man how he was, and if he had a 
 comfortable livelihood. The poor man assured him 
 that he and his livelihood were but so-so, as both 
 himself and his horses indicated. His Grace then put 
 his hand into his pocket, and gave the man a crown ; 
 who, at a loss to express his gratitude for such an 
 unexpected benefit, exclaimed, ' God bless your 
 Grace's glory : you're ower big a man to be ca'd the 
 Duik ; * you should be ca'd the Goose now. ' 
 
 ABSURDITIES ON SIGN AND FINGER-POSTS. 
 
 Not long ago, there was a sign over a close in the 
 North Back of the Canongate, Edinburgh, with the 
 very plain annunciation, no doubt agreeable to 
 many, ' Deafness cured down this close, every morn- 
 ing, between six and eight.' 
 
 There used to be a sign in Rose Street, in the same 
 city, with the words, ' Parritch here, every day, from 
 nine to ten, for mason and plumber lads.' 
 
 * Duck and Duke are pronounced the same by the Scotch 
 peasantry. 
 
<)2 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 Everybody has heard of the finger-post, which, after 
 some important directions regarding the roads, bore 
 the useful postscript, * If you cannot read, ask at the 
 blacksmith's shop.' But this was scarcely a match in 
 absurdity for another which was of late years exhibited 
 on an English road, bearing, ' When this post is under 
 water, the bridge at cannot be passed. ' 
 
 It is as yet a very few years since there was a board 
 on the wall of the park at Newbattle House, near 
 Edinburgh, bearing the tremendous sentence, 'Any 
 person entering these enclosures, will be shot and 
 prosecuted.'' 
 
 MISPELLING OF SIGNPOSTS. 
 Some one remarking that whenever the signs over 
 shop doors were misspelt, it was almost invariably by 
 there being too many letters, and very seldom by there 
 being too few. [Observation will show this to be a 
 fact. ] ' Oh,' said another of the company, * the printers 
 do that to show that they belong to a /z^^^ra/ profession.' 
 
 GOOD REASON FOR NOT HERDING COV^S. 
 
 There lately lived in the south of Scotland a poor 
 wandering creature, of imperfect intellects, named 
 John Gray, who was perpetually roaming through the 
 country, in an idle fashion, and was a burden, more- 
 over, on the poor's funds of the parish of Yarrow. 
 The minister of that parish one day accosted him : 
 * John,' said he, * you're an idle fellow j you do nothing 
 the whole day but go about from house to house : 
 I think you might at least herd a few cows. ' ' Me 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 93 
 
 herd kye ! sir,' answered John ; ' how could I herd 
 kye? I dinna ken corn weel bye gerss.' He meant 
 that, not knowing the difference betwixt growing grain 
 and ordinary herbage, he would, if intrusted with the 
 charge of cattle, be as apt to drive them into cornfields 
 as into pasturage. The best intellect could not have 
 suggested a better excuse for idleness. 
 
 DAVIE LINDSAY. 
 
 ' David Lindsay was once a most popular author in 
 Scotland ; witness the proverb, " It's no in Davie Lind- 
 say," meaning anything out of the common road. He 
 was in great celebrity in his own lifetime, about the 
 period of the Reformation. A story is told of an 
 honest farmer, who being on his death-bed, a pious 
 neighbour brought him an English Bible to read to 
 him. The dying man had to that day never seen such 
 a book, and, upon hearing some of its miraculous con 
 tents, cried out, " Hout awa ! Bring me Davie Lind- 
 say. That's a made story." ' * 
 
 SAYING OF JAMES THE SIXTH. 
 
 When the Spanish Armada was on its way to 
 Britain, he said to the English ambassador, that all 
 the favour he expected from the invaders was the 
 courtesy of Polypheme to Ulysses, to be the last de- 
 voured. 
 
 ALLAN RAMSAY. 
 
 Allan Ramsay, when a young obscure man, and a 
 wigmaker, was sometimes straitened a good deal fos 
 * Pinkerton's Tragic Ballads, vol. ii. p. 184 
 
94 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 want of money, and in particular, was one year unable 
 to pay his Martinmas rent. Just before the time when 
 the rent ought to have been paid, and when Hallow 
 Fair was held in the town, poor Allan was walking 
 one forenoon, in a very disconsolate manner, up the 
 Castle Hill, when whom should he meet but the very 
 man that of all others he least wished to meet, — his 
 landlord, a jolly farmer, who had been brought into 
 town partly to attend the fair, and partly to collect his 
 rents. The poet would willingly have given him the 
 slip, and put off the conference till another day ; but 
 dhe farmer accosted him ere he was aware, and kindly 
 asking after his welfare, desired his company in a 
 neighbouring tavern. Here the dreadful subject of 
 'the rent' came immediately on the carpet, and 
 Ramsay, with shame and grief, confessed his inability to 
 satisfy his creditor. To his great relief, however, the 
 farmer expressed perfect indifference upon that sub- 
 ject ; for, having observed Ramsay's genius, he was 
 unwilling to distress him for so paltry a matter, and 
 which he could so easily afford to remit. He even 
 went the length of saying, that if Ramsay could give 
 him a rhyming answer to four questions which he 
 should ask, in as many minutes, he would quit him of 
 his rent altogether, as a reward for so much quickness 
 of mind. Allan professed his willingness to try what 
 he could, and, a watch being laid upon the table, the 
 good farmer propounded his questions, which were, — 
 ' What does God love ? What does the Devil love ? 
 What does the world love ? What do I love ? ' The 
 poet, within the specified time, gave the proper an- 
 swers as follows : — 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 95 
 
 God loves man, when he refrains from sin ; 
 The Devil loves man, when he persists therein ; 
 The world loves man, when riches on him flow ; 
 And you'd love me, could I pay what I owe.* 
 
 DAVID HUME. 
 
 This distinguished philosopher was one day pass- 
 ing along a narrow footpath which formerly winded 
 through a boggy piece of ground at the back of Edin- 
 burgh Castle, when he had the misfortune to tumble 
 in, and stick fast in the mud. Observing a woman 
 approaching, he civilly requested her to lend him a 
 helping hand out of his disagreeable situation ; but she, 
 casting one hurried glance at his abbreviated figure, 
 passed on without regarding his request. He then 
 shouted lustily after her ; and she was at last prevailed 
 upon by his cries to approach. ' Are na ye Hume the 
 Deist ? ' inquired she, in a tone which implied that an 
 answer in the affirmative would decide her against lend- 
 
 * Ramsay is generally supposed to have been pretty well ac- 
 quainted with the language and manners of the Scottish rustics, 
 but an anecdote is told which would seem to prove that his early 
 removal to the city had rendered his knowledge, upon at least 
 one of these points, somewhat imperfect. A countrjmian was in 
 his shop one Saturday night, trying on a new wig, when, pleased 
 with the improvement which it made in his appearance, he ob- 
 served, as he surveyed himself in a glass, ' Od, I'll be as braw 
 as otu: lettergae the morn.' Ramsay inquired who the lettergae 
 was, and, on learning that that was the ordinary country appel- 
 lation of a precentor, expressed the highest rapture at the acqui- 
 sition of so curious a word, and even insisted upon giving the 
 man his wig in a present, as a testimony of his satisfaction. He 
 introduces the word in his ' Christ Kirk on the Green.' 
 ' The lettergae of haly rhyme,' txr 
 
96 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 ing him her assistance. ' Well, well,' said Mr Hume, 
 ' no matter j you know, good woman, Christian charity 
 commands you to do good, even to your enemies.' 
 'Christian charity here, Christian charity there,' re- 
 plied the woman, ' I'll do naething for ye till ye turn 
 a Christian yoursel ; ye maun first repeat baith the 
 Lord's Prayer and the Creed, or faith I'll let ye groffle- 
 there as I faund ye.' The sceptic was actually obliged 
 to accede to the woman's terms, ere she would give 
 him her help. He himself used to tell the story with 
 great relish. 
 
 Hume one night came too late to one of the little 
 supper parties given by his friend Mrs Cockburn 
 (authoress of a fine song to the tune of the ' Flowers of 
 the Forest '), and it so happened that the good lady's 
 slender pantry had been almost completely desolated 
 before he arrived. Mrs Cockburn informed him of 
 this fact ; but, at the same time, told him she would do 
 her best. * Oh, trouble yourself very little,' said the 
 metaphysician, ' about what you have, or how it ap- 
 pears ; you know I am no epicure^ but only 2l glutton J 
 
 ABSENCE OF MIND. 
 
 Mr Imlach, late minister of the Muirhouse, near 
 Dundee, was remarkable for his absence of mind. In 
 his prayer one day he said, * O Lord ! bless all ranks 
 and degrees of persons, from the king on the dunghill 
 to the beggar on the throne.' Then recollecting him- 
 self, he added, ' I mean from the beggar on the throne 
 to the king on the dunghill ! ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes ^ 97 
 
 ' Pray sir,' said Lady Wallace to David Hume, 'I 
 am often asked of what age I am — what answer should 
 I make ? ' Mr Hume, immediately guessing her lady- 
 ship's meaning, said, ' Madam, when you are asked 
 that question again, answer, that you are not yet come 
 to years of discretion.' 
 
 David Hume and Lady Wallace once crossed the 
 Firth from Kinghorn to Leith together, when a violent 
 storm rendered the passengers apprehensive of a salt- 
 water death ; and her ladyship's terrors induced her to 
 seek consolation from her friend, who, with infinite 
 sang froid, assured her he thought there was great 
 probability of their becoming food for fishes. ' And 
 pray, my dear friend,' said Lady Wallace, ' which do you 
 think they will eat first ? ' ' Those that are gluttons,' 
 replied Hume, ' will undoubtedly fall foul of me, but 
 the epicures will attack your ladyship.* 
 
 During Hume's last illness, he was waited on by a 
 female member of the Berean Congregation, who 
 supposed she had a message from heaven to deliver 
 to him, regarding the state of his soul. On learning 
 her object, the good-natured philosopher ordered a 
 bottle of wine and some other refreshments to be 
 brought in, observing, that they could not well proceed 
 to discuss a matter of such importance ' dry-lippit.' 
 The woman was prevailed upon to take two glasses of 
 wine ; and, as she was sipping it, Mr Hume questioned 
 her about her situation and business in life. Under- 
 standing that her husband was a candlemaker at 
 Leith, he desired her to send him two stone weight of 
 
 G 
 
98 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 his best moulded candles, for which the money would 
 be paid on delivery. The lady thought no more of 
 the high commission she had been intrusted with, but 
 hastened home to inform her husband of the order 
 she had received, and quite forgot the conversion of 
 Mr Hume. 
 
 When the New Town had reached that street which 
 since bears the nam.e of the tutelar saint of Wales, the 
 house at the south-west corner of St Andrew Square, 
 but entering from the street, was first occupied by 
 David Hume. One day when passing, the Rev. 
 Dr "W — waggishly chalked on the corner, Saint 
 David Street. The housekeeper having noticed this 
 mark, with eyes like saucers, ran into her master's 
 study, and told him how he had been quizzed. 
 'Never mind, Jenny,' quoth David, 'a better man 
 than I am hath been made a saint of before me.' 
 
 A MATRIMONIAL PAIR OF ANECDOTES OF 
 CONJUGAL AFFECTION. 
 
 As an old man of the name of Michael Young, who 
 lived at the bottom of the West Lomond Hill in Fife, 
 was breathing his last, his wife, somewhat tired with 
 her long vigils over his latter illness, breathed the 
 following affectionate hints into his ear : — ' Be wearin, 
 Michaelie ; be wearin {going). Ye ken the candle's 
 wastin, and the folk's wearyin. Be wearin, Michaelie, 
 my man.' 
 
 The wife of a small farmer in Aberdeenshire having 
 been long confined to bed before the time when her 
 
Scottisli Anecdotes. 99 
 
 last moment approached, the husband, who was of a 
 very niggardly disposition, at length grudged to let her 
 have so much as a light by the side of her bed. One 
 night, when in this dark condition, she exclaimed, 
 ' Oh, isna this an unco thing, that a puir body can get 
 nae licht to see to dee wi' ! ' The husband instantly 
 rose up, lighted a candle, and, bringing it forward 
 hastily to the bottom of the bed, said, ' There ! 
 dee noo.' 
 
 DELICATE CONSCIEI^CE. 
 
 Duncan M'lver, a Highland clergyman, having 
 raised what is called an action for augmentation of 
 stipend before the Court of Session, thought proper 
 next Sunday to apologise to his parishioners for what 
 he had done, in the following manner : — ' In the day 
 of joodgment, the gude Lord'll say to me, " Wha's 
 this ye hae wi' ye the day, Duncan ? Ye hae mony 
 ane there, Duncan." Then I'll pe say to the gude 
 Lord, " They're a' your ain pairns, I hae brought up 
 for ye, gude Lord." He'll pe say, " That's weel dune, 
 Duncan : they'll nae doubt hae paid ye weel for 
 that?" But I'll joost gie a fidge, and draw up my 
 shouthers ; for Duncan MTverdisna like to tell lees.' 
 
 CURIOUS TYPOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTE. 
 
 It is well known to literary people, that, in prepar- 
 ing works for the press, it is usual for the printer, after 
 the proof sheets have been seen by the author, to go 
 over them again, and clear them of what are called 
 typographical errors, such as wrong spellings, inac- 
 curacies of punctuation, and similar imperfections 
 
loo Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 In performing this office for a celebrated northern 
 critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the habit 
 of introducing a much greater number of commas than 
 it appeared to the author the sense required. The 
 case was provoking, but did not produce a formal 
 remonstrance, until Mr W — n himself accidentally 
 afforded the learned editor an opportunity of signifying 
 his dissatisfaction with the plethora of punctuation 
 under which his compositions we're made to labour 
 The worthy printer, coming to a passage one dap 
 which he did not understand, very naturally took it 
 into his head that it was unintelligible, and transmitted 
 it to his employer, with a remark on the margin, tha, 
 there appeared some ' obscurity in it. ' The sheet wa^ 
 immediately returned, with this reply, which we giv 
 verbatijn : — ' Mr J. sees no obscurity here, except sucl 
 as arises from the d — d quantity of commas, which 
 Mr W — n seems to keep in a pepper-box beside him, 
 for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with.' 
 
 EXCELLENT REPARTEE. 
 
 The Reverend Dr M'C — , minister of Douglas, in 
 Clydesdale, was one day dining in a large party, where 
 the Honourable Henry Erskine and some other lawyers 
 were present. A great dish of cresses being presented 
 after dinner, Dr M'C — , who was extravagantly fond 
 of vegetables, helped himself much more largely than 
 any other person, and, as he ate with his fingers, and 
 with a peculiar voracity of manner, Mr Erskine was 
 struck with the idea that he resembled Nebuchad- 
 nezzar in his state of condemnation. Resolved to give 
 him a hit for the apparent grossness of his taste and 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. loi 
 
 manner of eating, the wit addressed him with, 'Dr 
 M'C — , ye bring me in mind of the great king Nebu- 
 chadnezzar ; ' and the company were beginning to 
 titter at the ludicrous allusion ; when the reverend 
 vegetable devourer replied, *Ay ! do I mind ye o' Ne- 
 buchadnezzar ? That'll be because I'm eating amang 
 the brutes ! ' 
 
 Dr M'C — was on another occasion dining at Douglas 
 Castle, the seat of Lord Douglas, along with the face- 
 tious Lord Justice - Clerk Braxfield ; when, Lord 
 Douglas having neglected the cellars of the house for 
 some time, in consequence of very rarely residing at 
 it, no wine was produced at first, except port. Brax- 
 field at length asked his lordship if there was no 
 claret in the castle ; and his lordship answered that 
 he believed there was ; but the butler had informed 
 him that it was not very good. ' Let's pree it ' (taste 
 it), said the Justice-Clerk, in his favourite dialect ; 
 and a bottle was instantly produced, which unex- 
 pectedly turned out to be very good. 'Doctor,' said 
 Braxfield to M'C — , as it was passing round the table ; 
 ' there has gone forth 2ifa?na clamosa against this wine ; 
 I propose that you absolve it.' These were phrases 
 appropriate to the ecclesiastical law of Scotland, in 
 regard to church censure. ' Why,' replied Mr M'C — , 
 ' I have no objection to that ; but, though you are 
 well skilled, my lord, in the civil and criminal law, I 
 perceive you do not know the laws of the church: we 
 never absolve till after three several appearances.^ 
 Nobody could relish better than Lord Braxfield the 
 wit, or the conditions of the absolution. 
 
102 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 MOTS OF SIR WALTER SCOTT. 
 
 An English lady and gentleman, who, in travelling 
 through Scotland, had come to the neighbourhood of 
 Abbotsford, without providing themselves with an in- 
 troduction to Sir Walter Scott, and who felt, when 
 there, an irresistible inclination to intrude upon him, 
 could think of no expedient by which to gratify their 
 curiosity but that of throwing themselves upon his 
 mercy, and begging the favour of an interview. In 
 their card to him they said that, in coming to Scot- 
 land, their chief object had been to see ' the great 
 Lion of the North, Sir Walter Scott ; ' and they 
 begged him to consider how hard it would be if, after 
 all their travels, they should have to go home disap- 
 pointed. Sir Walter immediately returned an answer, 
 couched in the most polite terms, and concluding witK 
 a request that they would come that day to dine with 
 him, as he had some reason to believe ' the Lion of 
 the North,' like his friends at Exeter 'Change, was 
 * best woi't/i seeing at feeding time.'' 
 
 GOOD BOOK KEEPERS. 
 
 Sir Walter, in lending a book one day to a friend, 
 cautioned him to be punctual in returning it. * This is 
 really necessary,' said the poet in apology; 'for though 
 many of my friends are bad arithmeticians, I observe 
 almost all of them to be good book keepers.'' 
 
 ANOTHER GLASS, AND THEN. 
 
 A minister having been appointed to preach before 
 his Majesty's Commissioner at Edinburgh, the Earl of 
 
Scottish Anecdotes 103 
 
 Aiilie thought it would be a good joke to fill him drunk, 
 so as to incapacitate him. Accordingly, on the day 
 before the sermon was to be preached, his lordship 
 invited the clergyman to dinner, and plied the bottle as 
 hard as he could. Notwithstanding all the entreaties 
 of the preacher, he could not get away till long past 
 midnight. When he reminded my lord that he was 
 to preach next. day, and had not composed a word of 
 his sermon, the answer constantly was, ' Well, another 
 glass, a^tdthen.'' Being, however, such a divine as the 
 one described by his countryman Thomson,* he at 
 length laid the noble lord under the table, and walked 
 off. He appeared in his place at church, where Lord 
 Airlie and a number of other noblemen and gentlemen 
 attended the Lord High Commissioner. His text was, 
 'The wicked shall be punished, and that right early, ^ 
 which he took care to repeat often enough in the midst 
 of his discourse, accompanied always with a motion of 
 his fist, showing that he did not forget the trick at- 
 tempted the preceding evening. It was then a custom 
 in the Scotch churches for the clerk, or precentor, as 
 he is there called, to set up a half-hour sand-glass to 
 warn the preacher when it was time to give over. Our 
 doctor was no more sparing of his oratory than Lord 
 Airlie had, on the preceding evening, been of his wine ; 
 whenever the precentor looked up to admonish him 
 that the glass was near out, he coolly told him, loud 
 
 * ' Perhaps some doctor of tremendous paunch, 
 Awful and deep, a black abyss of drink, 
 Outlives them all, and, from his buried flock 
 Retiring, full of rumination sad. 
 Laments the weakness of these latter times.' 
 
I04 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 enough for Lord Airlie to hear, ^ Another glass, and 
 then.' 
 
 DR Johnson's pudding. 
 {From the Reminiscences of Henry Angelo.) 
 
 Last summer I made another excursion to Scotland^ 
 with the intention of completing my series of views, and 
 went over the same ground described by the learned 
 tourists Dr Johnson and Boswell. I am in the habit 
 of taking very long walks on these occasions, and, per- 
 ceiving a storm threaten, I made the best of my way 
 to a small building. I arrived in time at a neat little 
 inn, and was received by a respectable-looking man 
 and his wife, who did all in their power to make me 
 comfortable. After eating some excellent fried mut- 
 ton-chops, and drinking a quart of ale, I asked the 
 landlord to sit down, and partake of a bowl of whisky 
 punch. I found him, as the Scotch generally are, very 
 intelligent, and full of anecdote, of which the follow- 
 ing may serve as a specimen : — 
 
 ' Sir,' said the landlord, * this inn was formerly 
 kept by Andrew Macgregor, a relation of mine ; 
 and these hard-bottomed chairs, in which we are now 
 sitting, were years ago filled by the great tourists 
 Doctor Johnson and Boswell, travelling like the lion 
 and jackal. Boswell generally preceded the doctor in 
 search of food, and being much pleased with the look 
 of the house, followed his nose into the larder, where 
 he saw a fine leg of mutton. He ordered it to be 
 roasted with the utmost expedition, and gave par- 
 ticular orders for a nice pudding. " Now," says he, 
 make the best of all puddings." Elated with his 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 105 
 
 good luck, he immediately went out in search of his 
 friend, and saw the giant of learning slowly advancing 
 on a pony. " My dear sir," said Boswell, out of breath 
 with joy, " good news ! I have just bespoke, at a com- 
 fortable, clean inn here, a delicious leg of mutton ; it 
 is now getting ready, and I flatter myself we shall 
 make an excellent meal. " Johnson looked pleased — 
 " And I hope," said he, " you have bespoke a pudding. ' 
 " Sir, you will have your favourite pudding," replied 
 the other. Johnson got off the pony, and the poor 
 animal, relieved from the giant, smelt his way into the 
 stable. Boswell ushered the doctor into the house, 
 and left him to prepare for this delicious treat. 
 Johnson feeling his coat rather damp, from the mist of 
 the mountains, went into the kitchen, and threw his 
 upper garment on a chair before the fit ■; : he sat on 
 the hob, near a little boy who was very busy attending 
 the meat. Johnson occasionally peeped from behind 
 his coat, while the boy kept basting the mutton. 
 Johnson did not like the appearance of his head ; 
 when he shifted the basting ladle from one hand, the 
 other hand was never idle, and the doctor thought at 
 the same time he saw something fall on the meat ; 
 upon which he determined to eat no mutton that day. 
 The dinner announced, Boswell exclaimed, " My dear 
 doctor, here comes the mutton ; what a picture ! done 
 to a turn, and looks so beautifully brown ! " The 
 doctor tittered. After a short grace, Boswell said, " I 
 suppose, sir, I am to carve, as usual ; — what part shall 
 I help you to?" The doctor replied, "My dear 
 Bozzy, I did not like to tell you before, but I am 
 determined to abstain from meat to-day." *' Oh dear ! 
 
io6 Scottish Anecdotes, 
 
 this is a great disappointment," said Bozzy. " Say no 
 more ; I shall make myself ample amends with the pud- 
 ding. " Boswell commenced the attack, and made the 
 first cut at the mutton. " How the gravy runs ! what 
 fine-flavoured fat ! — so nice and brown, too ! Oh, sir, 
 you would have relished this prime piece of mutton." 
 The meat being removed, in came the long wished-for 
 pudding. The doctor looked joyous, fell eagerly to, 
 and in a few minutes nearly finished all the pudding. 
 The table was cleared, and Boswell said, " Doctor, 
 while I was eating the mutton, you seemed frequently 
 inclined to laugh ; pray, tell me, what tickled your 
 fancy ? " The doctor then literally told him all that 
 had passed at the kitchen fire, about the boy and the 
 basting. Boswell turned as pale as a parsnip, and, 
 sick of himself and the company, darted out of the 
 room. Somewhat relieved, on returning, he insisted 
 on seeing the dirty little rascally boy, whom he severely 
 reprimanded before Johnson. The poor boy cried : the 
 doctor laughed. " You little, filthy, snivelling hound," 
 said Boswell, " when you basted the meat, why did you 
 not put on the cap I saw you in this morning ? " "I 
 couldn't sir, " said the boy. " No ! why couldn't you ? " 
 said Boswell. " Because my mammy took it from me 
 to boil the pudding in ! " The doctor gathered up his 
 Herculean frame, stood erect, touched the ceiling with 
 his wig, stared or squinted — indeed, looked any way 
 but the right way. At last with mouth wide open, 
 (none of the smallest), and stomach heaving, he with 
 some difficulty recovered his breath, and looking at 
 Boswell with dignified contempt, he roared out, with 
 the lungs of a Stentor, " Mr Boswell, sir, leave off 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 107 
 
 laughing ; and under pain of my eternal displeasure, 
 never utter a single syllable of this abominable adven- 
 ture to any soul living, while you breathe." ' And so, 
 sir,' said mine host, ' you have the positive fact from 
 the simple mouth of your humble servant' 
 
 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SCOT AND A SOT. 
 
 Hoveden, a writer of the thirteenth century, informs 
 us, that Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, 
 being in company with Charles the Bold, King of 
 France, that monarch asked him good humouredly, 
 what was the difference between a Scot and a Sot. 
 Scotus, who sat opposite the king, answered, ' Only 
 the breadth of the table.' 
 
 SMUGGLED SCOTSMAN. 
 
 A nobleman at Paris asked Lady R — why it was 
 in general remarked by foreigners, that the Scotch who 
 travelled were men of parts and learning, while the 
 English were generally wanting in both. Her lady- 
 ship, with her usual vivacity, replied, that only fools 
 went out of England, but for Scotland, none but fools 
 would stay in it. A Scottish nobleman, famous for 
 neither parts nor learning, observed, her ladyship was 
 right with regard to the Scotch ; * for,' says he, ' there 
 are offices established in Scotland, where every Scots- 
 man must apply for a passport before he can leave the 
 country ; and, previous to granting these, he is ex- 
 amined with regard to his intellects and education, 
 and, should he not arrive at the standard fixed for 
 each, no passport is granted, but he is sent back for 
 improvement ; on a second application, the same form 
 
loS Scottish Anecdote'^. 
 
 IS observed ; but should he apply a third time, and 
 then be found wanting, he is remanded for life. By 
 this,' continued his lordship, ' you will see none but 
 men of sense and learning can legally leave Scotland.' 
 'Then,' replied Lady R — , 'I am sure your lordship 
 was smuggled J 
 
 QUID PRO QUO. 
 A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber'^ 
 shop in Glasgow to be shaved. The barber bought 
 one of his brooms, and, after he had shaved him, asked 
 the price. 'Twopence,' said the Highlander. 'No, 
 no,' said the barber, ' I'll give you a penny ; if that 
 does not satisfy you, take your broom again, and we'll 
 not make a bargain.' The Highlander took it, and 
 asked what he had to pay. * A penny,' says Mr Razor. 
 ' No, by my faith, now,' says Duncan, ' I'll give you a 
 halfpenny ; if that does not satisfy you, put on my 
 beard as it was before, and we'll na mak a bargain.' 
 
 LIVING IN AN OVEN. 
 A gentleman having occasion to call for Mr Joseph 
 Gullan, found him at home in his writing chamber. 
 He remarked the great heat of the apartment, and said^ 
 ' It was hot as an oven.' ' So it ought,' replied Mr G., 
 ' for 'tis here I make my bread, ' 
 
 ANECDOTE OF BURNS. 
 
 One Sunday morning, some time before Burns com- 
 menced author, when he and his brother Gilbert were 
 going to the parish church of Tarbolton, they got into 
 company with an old man, a Moravian, travelling to 
 Ayr. It was at that time when the dispute between 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 109 
 
 the Old and New Light Burghers was making a great 
 noise in the country ; and Burns and the old man, en- 
 tering into conversation on the subject, differed in their 
 opinions about it, the old man defending the principles 
 of the Old Light, and Burns those of the New Light. 
 The disputants at length grew very warm in the debate, 
 and Burns, finding that with all his eloquence he could 
 make nothing of his antagonist, became a little acri- 
 monious, and tauntingly exclaimed, ' Oh ! I suppose I 
 have met with the Apostle Paul this morning ! ' ' No,' 
 replied the old Moravian, coolly, ' you have not met 
 the Apostle Paul ; but I think I have met one of those 
 wild beasts which he says he fought with when at 
 Ephesus.' 
 
 METAPHYSICS. 
 
 A Scotch blacksmith being asked the meaning of 
 metaphysics, explained it as follows : — ' When the 
 party who listens disna ken what the party who speaks 
 means ; and when the party who speaks disna ken 
 what he means himsel — that is metaphysics.' 
 
 BACK AGAIN. 
 
 A poor fellow in Scotland, creeping through the 
 hedge of an orchard, with an intention to rob it, was 
 seen by the owner, who called out to him, ' Sawney, 
 hoot man, where are you gangin' ? ' ^Back agaiiz' said 
 Sawney. 
 
 DOCTOR MACK NIGHT. 
 
 The Rev. Doctors Henry and M'Knight of Edin- 
 burgh used occasionally to meet in the evening at an 
 old lady's house in Merchant Street, where, after tea, 
 
no Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 the newspapers were commonly produced. On one 
 of these nights, while Dr H. was reading, he desired 
 Dr M'K. to snuff the candle, which in the attempt he 
 extinguished, 'Well done, Dr Mack-«z^/^^,' said Dr H. 
 ironically. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF SIBBALD, EDITOR OF ' CHRONICLES 
 OF SCOTTISH POETRY.' 
 
 Mr James Sibbald, editor of the * Chronicles of Scot- 
 tish Poetry,' was a man of eccentricity and humour. 
 For three or four years he resided in London, without 
 ever letting his Scotch friends know anything of his 
 proceedings, or even where he lived. At last his 
 brother, a Leith merchant, found means to get a letter 
 conveyed to him, the object of which was to inquire 
 into his circumstances, and to ask where he resided. 
 Sibbald sent the following laconic reply : — 
 
 ' Dear Brother, — I live in So-ho, and my business 
 is so-so. — Yours, James Sibbald.' 
 
 SCOTCH DELIBERATION. 
 
 * Shoulder arms ! ' exclaimed the captain, in a voice 
 intended to resemble thunder. But the execution of 
 the order was anything but simultaneous ; and one 
 man, it was observed, was standing still at ease. Upon 
 being challenged by the captain why he had not 
 shouldered along with the rest. ' What the deil's a' 
 the haste ? ' quoth he ; ' canna ye wait till a body tak 
 a snuff?' 
 
 HANGING TOGETHER. 
 
 A Scotch clergyman, in the great rebellion, said in 
 his prayer, ' Lord bless the Grand Council the Parlia- 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 1 1 i. 
 
 ment, and grant they may all hang together ! ' A 
 country fellow, standing by, said, ' Amen, with all my 
 heart, and the sooner the better ; and I am sure 'tis 
 the prayer of all good people ! ' ' Friends,' says Mess 
 John, ' I don't mean as that fellow means ; but pray 
 that they may all hang together in accord and con- 
 cord ! ' ' No matter what cord, ' answered the rustic^ 
 *so 'tis but a strong cord.' 
 
 A GOOD EXCUSE. 
 
 The Judges of the Court of Session, in case of their 
 being unable to attend, always send an excuse to the 
 Lord President. On one occasion, when Lord Stone- 
 field sent an apologetic note. Lord Braxfield asked the 
 President, in his broad dialect, 'What excuse can a 
 stout fellow like him hae ? ' ' My lord,' answered the 
 President, 'he has lost his wife.' ' Lost his wife ! ' ex- 
 claimed Braxfield, whose connubial lot was not the 
 most happy ; ' that is a good excuse truly ; I wish we 
 had a' the same ! ' 
 
 TWO MINDS TO A BAKGAIN. 
 
 A Dr L — , physician at Queensferry, was once 
 threatened with a challenge ; to which he replied, in 
 an incontrovertible syllogism, — 'Weel, ye may chal- 
 lenge me ; but, whether or no, there'll be nae fecht^ 
 unless I gang out I ' 
 
 SCOTCH MAGISTRATES. 
 
 The magistrates of the Scottish burghs are generally 
 among the best-informed and most respectable men in 
 their respective communities. But it sometimes hap- 
 
112 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 pens, in the case of very poor and very remote burghs 
 that persons of an inferior station alone can be induced 
 to accept the uneasy dignity of the curule chair. An 
 amusing story in point is told regarding the town of 
 L — , in B — shire, which is generally considered as a 
 peculiarly miserable specimen of these privileged town- 
 -ships. An English gentleman approaching L — • one 
 day in a gig, his horse started at a great heap of dry 
 wood and decayed branches of trees, which a very 
 poor-looking old man was accumulating upon the 
 road, apparently with the intention of conveying them 
 to town for sale as firewood. The stranger immedi- 
 ately cried to the old man, desiring him, in no very 
 civil terms, to clear the road, that his horse might 
 pass. The old man, offended at the disrespectful Ian ■ 
 guage of the complainant, took no notice of him, but 
 continued to hew away at his trees. ' You old dog,' 
 the gentleman then exclaimed, ' I'll have you brought 
 before the provost, and put into prison for your disre- 
 gard of the laws of the road.' * Gang to the deil, man, 
 wi' your provosts ! ' the woodcutter contemptuously re- 
 plied ; ^ Tin provost my sel.'' 
 
 An equally amusing instance of the illiterate char- 
 acter of some of these dignitaries is told regarding a 
 bailie of Lochmaben, in Dumfriesshire, which is de- 
 cidedly at the bottom of the list of Scottish burghs, 
 unless Dornoch, the capital of Sutherlandshire, a town 
 which can boast of only five shops, be excepted. A 
 gentleman, who wished to serve his country, and was 
 generous enough, solely for that purpose, to pay for a 
 seat in Parliament, sent his servant, on the eve of an 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 113 
 
 approaching election, with a letter to the bailie, de- 
 siring his vote and influence. The bailie opened the 
 letter. * Sir,' said the servant, ' you hold the letter by 
 the wrong end.' ' Hoot, man/ replied the bailie, 'gie 
 yoursel nae trouble about that ; d'ye think I wad he 
 fit to be a bailie o' Lochmaben, gin I couldna read a 
 letter at ony end ? ' 
 
 A DOVETAILER OF SERMONS. 
 
 The Rev. Dr B — was what is commonly termed 
 ' a popular preacher ; ' not, however, by drawing on 
 his own stores, but by the knack which he possessed 
 of appropriating the thoughts and language of other 
 great divines who had gone before him, to his own use. 
 and by a skilful splicing and dovetailing of passages, 
 so as to make a whole. Fortunately for him, those 
 who composed his audience were not deeply skilled in 
 pulpit lore, and with such he passed for a wonder of 
 erudition. It happened, however, that the doctor was 
 detected in his literary larcenies. One Sunday, a grave 
 old gentleman seated himself close to the pulpit, and 
 listened with profound attention. The doctor had 
 scarcely finished his third sentence, before the old 
 gentleman said, loud enough to be heard by those 
 near him, ' That's Sherlock.' The doctor frowned, but 
 went on. He had not proceeded much farther, when 
 his grave auditor broke out with, 'That's Tillotson.' 
 The doctor bit his lips, and paused, but again went on. 
 At a third exclamation of, ' That's Blair,' the doctor 
 lost all patience, and, leaning over the side of the pul- 
 pit, ' Fellow,' he cried, ' if you do not hold your tongue 
 H 
 
EI4 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 you will be turned out.' Without altering a muscle, 
 the old cynic, looking the doctor full in the face, says, 
 ' That's his own.' 
 
 MANY MANSIONS. 
 
 A young Scottish clergyman, having occasion to 
 preach in a church a few miles distant from his native 
 place, an old woman, who had known him in his 
 infancy, went to hear him. The text was, — ' In my 
 Father's house there are many mansions ; ' which phrase 
 he repeated very often in the course of his sermon. 
 The old woman, ignorant of the allegorical meaning 
 of the expression, was quite indignant at what she con- 
 sidered the vainglory of the young man ; and at length, 
 unable to sit longer, rose up, and exclaimed, * My troth, 
 lad, ye're no blate ' (modest), ' to come here and tell the 
 like o' that ! D'ye think I dinna ken the Braehead 
 House ? — a butt and a ben, a story and a half high, wi' 
 a garret aboon. That's mony mansions for ye ! I 
 think ye've a gude stock o' impidence ! ' 
 
 TAVERN INSCRIPTION. 
 
 The following philosophical quatrain is copied from 
 the walls of a public-house, at the little village ofDar- 
 nick, near Melrose, where, in all probability, it was 
 first inscribed by some maudlin poet, whose cash had 
 run short, and who then found the insubstantiality of 
 all other resources : — 
 
 ' This is a good world to live in, 
 To lend, to spend, and to give in ; 
 But to get, or to borrow, or keep what's one's own, 
 'Tis the very worst world that ever was known.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 115 
 
 CONJUGAL LOVE. 
 
 The Rev. Mr P — (minister of the paristi of Mark- 
 inch in File, about fifty years ago) did not nearly so 
 much resemble Socrates in his character and intellect, 
 as his wife resembled Xantippe. On the Monday after 
 a celebration of the sacrament, when it is customary 
 for all the clergymen who have been assisting the 
 parish official to dine in his manse, one of them hap- 
 pened before dinner to cross a dark passage towards 
 the dining-room, when, to his great surprise, he re- 
 ceived from an unseen hand a vehement blow upon the 
 ear. ' What's that for ? ' exclaimed the reverend gen- 
 tleman. ' Oh ! I beg your pardon, Mr S — ,' cried the 
 minister's wife ; ' I thought it had been my ain dear 
 John P — .' 'Why,' answered the sufferer, 'if these 
 are the marks of affection you bestow on your deal 
 John, I must say I had rather dispense with them.' 
 
 SNUFF AND WHISKY. 
 
 Somebody once asked a Highlander what he would 
 wish to have, in case of some kind divinity purposing 
 to give him the three things he liked best. For the first 
 he said, he should ask for ' a Loch Lomond o' gude 
 whisky ! ' ' And what for the second ? ' inquired his 
 friend. ' A Ben Lomond o' gude sneeshin,' replied 
 Donald. 'And what for the third?' He hesitated 
 a long time at this ; but at last, after his face had 
 assumed many contortive expressions of thought, he 
 answered, ' Oo, just anither Loch Lomond o' gude 
 whisky.' 
 
£i6 Scottish A?iecdotes. 
 
 These articles are indeed the meat and drink of the 
 poor Highlanders ; and it would appear to be utterly 
 out of their power to conceive, or suppose, or imagine 
 anything better. A poor old mountaineer, who had 
 served Prince Charles Stuart through the whole of his 
 adventurous career in 1745, was once asked, in ad- 
 vanced life, what sort of a man Prince Charles was. 
 ' Och, sir,' replied the enthusiastic Celt, ' he was just 
 like a good sneeshin, or a good dram o' whisky ! ' 
 
 A LACHRYMOSE MAJOR. 
 
 Before the accession of the late Duke of York to the 
 office of Commander-in-Chief, when the army abounded 
 in abuses of all kinds, children were sometimes gifted 
 with commissions, in acknowledgment of the services 
 of their fathers, or for worse reasons. A late Scotch 
 judge had a son who, before he was eleven years of 
 age, rose to the rank of major. One morning, the 
 mother of this valiant officer, hearing a noise in the 
 nursery, rang to know the cause of it. ' It's naething,* 
 answered the servant, * but the Major greetin' ' (crying) 
 ^for his parritck.'' 
 
 BALANCING OF BOOKS. 
 
 About the time when flax-spinning by machinery 
 was first introduced into Scotland, an industrious and 
 sober, but enterprising man, erected a small mill of 
 five or six frames. After the work had been employed 
 something more than a year, he made up a state of 
 aff^airs, that he might see whether his speculation had 
 been prosperous or adverse. Having ascertained the 
 result, when he came home at night, he addressed his 
 wife thus : — ' Put on the kettle, Eppie, an' gar a drap 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 117 
 
 ijroo seithe.' When the kettle was boiling, his spouse 
 called, 'The kettle's seithing now, Johnnie.' 'Very 
 weel, Eppie, hand me in bye the bottle, an' I'll mak a 
 jug o' toddy, an' ye'll come and sit doon beside me, 
 Eppie, an' we'll tak oor gless an' be happy ; an' dinna 
 forget to be thankfu' to Providence ; for it has pros- 
 pered the labour o' oor hands. The callant an' me 
 hae been makin' up the mill accounts, and how d'ye 
 think they stand ? ' 'I coudna say, Johnnie.' ' Weel, 
 Eppie, the whurlies hae only run about a towmont, and 
 she has fairly cleared a' the outlay, ay, an' something 
 mair.' 'That's very weel, indeed, Johnnie, an' I'm 
 unco happy to hear't. ' Ay, Eppie, we've toiled sair, 
 an' lived canny ; but we'll noo eat oor white bread in 
 oor auld days ! ' The toddy and the good news had 
 procured for Eppie sound sleep and pleasant dreams ; 
 and next night, when her husband came in, she said, 
 ' I'll put on the kettle, Johnnie ? ' ' Na, na, ye needna 
 be at the fash — nae mair kettlinghere ; an' I'll tell you 
 mair, Eppie, ye needna be mocking Providence wi' 
 your thanks ! ' Looking in her husband's face, she saw 
 that the curves at the corners of his mouth had taken 
 a contrary direction to that which they had held during 
 the preceding night. Anxious to know the cause, she 
 said, ' What's the maitter, what's wrang noo, Johnnie ? ' 
 John, shrugging his shoulders, replied, ' Ah, that rack- 
 less, stupid laddie, Jamie, no half tenty, when he was 
 summing up the pounds o' the mill yesterday, he added 
 in the year d' God wt' them.' 
 
 SECURITY. 
 
 A countryman having read in the newspapers ac- 
 
ii8 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 counts of different bank failures, and having one hun- 
 dred pounds deposited with a respectable banking 
 company in Aberdeen, he became alarmed for its 
 safety, hastened to town, and calling at the bank pre- 
 sented his deposit receipt, and, on demanding his mone5 
 was paid, as is customary, with notes of the bank ; he 
 grasped them in his hand, and having got within reaci 
 of the door turned round, and exclaimed, ' Noo, sir, 
 ye may braik when ye like.' 
 
 CALCULATION. 
 
 At the sale of an antiquarian gentleman's effects in 
 Roxburghshire, which Sir Walter Scott happened to 
 attend, there was one little article, a Roman patera, 
 which occasioned a good deal of competition, and was 
 eventually knocked down to the distinguished baronei 
 at a high price. Sir Walter was excessively amused, 
 during the time of the bidding, to observe how much 
 it excited the astonishment of an old woman, who had 
 evidently come there to buy culinary utensils on a 
 more economical principle. ' If the parritch-pan,' she 
 at length burst out, ' if the /ar^zV^y^-^aw gangs at that, 
 what will the kail-pat gang for ! ' 
 
 LUDICROUS ATTEMPT AT SACRED POETR\ 
 
 When the General Assembly of the Church of Scot- 
 land determined on extending their body of psalmody, 
 they addressed a circular to the clergy, praying that 
 those who were so inclined would compose paraphras- 
 es of Scripture, and transmit them to Edinburgh fol 
 the inspection of the Assembly, that a proper selection 
 might be made for use. A very old and very primitive 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 119 
 
 minister in Caithness was roused by this request from 
 the prosaic lethargy of a whole lifetime, and felt a la- 
 tent spark of poesy suddenly arise in his bosom. So 
 instantaneous was the effect of this inspiration, that, on 
 the very Sunday after he had received the Assembly's 
 circular, he had prepared a paraphrase which he de- 
 termined to read aloud to his congregation. The first 
 verse was as follows : — 
 
 * The deil shall ryve them a' in rags, 
 
 That wicked are and vain ; 
 But if they're gude and do repent, 
 
 They shall be sew'd again.' 
 But this was quite enough, the audience bursting out 
 into such a transport of laughter on hearing it, that the 
 ingenious author saw fit to suppress the rest, and aban- 
 don his poetical attempt. 
 
 GOOD REASON FOR DELIBERATION. 
 
 The minister of what is called a Relief Congregation, 
 at Edinburgh, tells the following story to his friends : — 
 He was one day assisting a country clergyman on a 
 sacramental occasion, in a town where a congregation 
 of what are called Burghers held the sacrament on 
 
 the same Sunday. Mr is extremely rapid in his 
 
 elocution, and generally displays no little expeditious- 
 ness in performing the ceremonies of the church. He 
 was serving the tables — that is, preaching to persons 
 who were receiving the communion — with his cus- 
 tomary despatch, and everything was going on swim- 
 mingly, when an aged elder, rather scandalised at his 
 indecorous haste, sidled quietly up to him, tugged him 
 gently by the skirts, and softly whispered into his ear, — 
 
I20 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 * Tak time, sir, tak time, if ye gang on at this rate, 
 we'll be oot before the Burghers' He meant that the 
 service would be over and the congregation dismissed 
 before that of the rival sect ; a matter which would 
 have been considered scandalous, in a country where 
 piety is too often measured by the power of enduring 
 long sermons and prayers. 
 
 A jeweller's sign. 
 A jeweller, in Edinburgh, who, with many better 
 qualities, was noted for the care he could take of his 
 wealth, was once getting his sign painted. The in- 
 scription was to be simply, ' , Jeweller.' By a 
 
 strange chance, the painter was called away to a more 
 pressing job, just as he had completed the letter W in 
 the second word. Accordingly, it stood for a whole 
 
 afternoon as ' , Jew,' to the great amusement of 
 
 every beholder, but more particularly to all who were 
 acquainted with the character of the individual libelled. 
 
 THE MINISTER OF TIPPERMUIR. 
 
 It is remembered by tradition at Perth, that the 
 minister of the neighbouring parish of Tippermuir en- 
 tertained the Marquis of Montrose at breakfast, in his 
 manse, on the morning before the battle which was 
 fought there, September i, 1644. Some time after 
 the battle, when Montrose and all his wild High- 
 landers had left that part of the country, the Presbytery 
 called the minister of Tippermuir before them, to an- 
 swer for the heinous offence of having entertained that 
 dreadful enemy to the interests of the Covenant. The 
 charge being fully brought home to the offender, and 
 
Scottish Afiecdotes. 121 
 
 he being desired to speak in his own defence — in par- 
 ticular to state how he had come to think of giving a 
 breakfast to such an antichristian personage — the 
 worthy clergyman rose, and delivered himself in the 
 following brief, but emphatic and truly eloquent terms : 
 — 'My brethren, I'll no deny that it was a terrible 
 thing to gie James Graham his breakfast, on the very 
 morning before he was to play sic mischief wi' the 
 saints o' the Lord ; but let me tell ye jist this, — if the 
 haill kirk had seen his face that mornin' as I saw it, 
 gude faith the haill kirk wad hae jist gien him his 
 breakfast too.' 
 
 AS DEEP IN THE MUD AS I WAS IN THE MIRE. 
 
 A country gentleman, who had been out with Mon- 
 trose, retiring to his own parish after the war was 
 done, was taken through hands by the Presbyterian 
 clergjmaan of the place, and ordained to sit for a cer- 
 tain time on the cutty-stool, as a penance for his 
 dreadful offence. ' Ye should set my mare there too, 
 man,' cried the intractable cavalier to the clergyman 
 who delivered the sentence ; ' I'll be hanged if she 
 wasna as deep i' the mud as I was i' the mire ! ' 
 
 OLD ACQUAINTANCE. 
 
 Lord Kaimes, in one of his circuits, as a Lord of 
 Justiciary in Scotland, having crossed the ferry to 
 Ivinghorn, the boatman, to his lordship's surprise, re- 
 fused to take any money for the service he had ren- 
 dered him, in consequence of their being old acquaint- 
 ances. On being desired to explain, the boatman 
 observed that his name was Tom Clark, and that he 
 
t22 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 and his wife Bett had both been tried for sheep- stealing, 
 and if it had not been for his lordship's Jaw, both 
 Bett and himself had either been hanged or transported. 
 His lordship, smiling, bade him be more honest in 
 future, as the consequence might be fatal to him, 
 should their acquaintance ever be renewed. 
 
 ONE OF THEM SHERRY. 
 
 The clergyman of a parish, in the district of Carrick, 
 Ayrshire, dining one day, about the year 1820, with a 
 farmers' club at the head burgh of the district, drank 
 so much wine as to astonish even the members of that 
 bacchanalian fraternity. Some time after, one of 
 them remarked to another, whom he accidentally met, 
 ' What an awfu' thing o' port the doctor drank yor 
 day ! ' ' How much did he take ? ' inquired the other. 
 'Just sax bottles o' port.' ' It's no possible ! ' ' It is 
 possible, though, and true too. ' ' I'll bet the price 
 o't, he didna drink so much.* 'Done!' cried the 
 first speaker ; and it was agreed to refer the dispute 
 to the reverend man himself Away they both went 
 to the manse, which lay at the distance of several 
 miles, and, being introduced to the presence of the 
 divine in his study, the man who had laid the bet 
 began, after many a hem, to lay the business before 
 him. ' We've come, doctor, to ask a gaye queer ques- 
 tion ; but I hope ye'll no tak it amiss.' 'Oh, surely 
 I cannot,' said the doctor : ' at least, I hope not. Let 
 us hear.' 'Oh, it's just, ye see, to ask how muckle 
 port ye drank the other day at the dinner. I've 
 wagered that ye drank sax bottles, and John William- 
 son says ye didna drink sae muckle. What say ye. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 123 
 
 doctor ? ' ' You've lost your bet,' answered the minis- 
 ter, with the utmost gravity, and, at the same time, 
 abundance of good nature ; ' you're right as to the 
 number of bottles ; but one of them was sherry ! ' 
 
 PREACHING UP THE TIMES. 
 
 In the unhappy days of the religious troubles in 
 Scotland, the popular clergy were much in the habit 
 of preaching up the times ^ as they called it ; that is 
 discussing the business of the State in the pulpit. 
 The neglect of this duty in any brother they styled 
 sinful silence ; and they, on one occasion, openly re- 
 proved the famous Leighton, at a public synod, for 
 this strange fault. ' Who preach up the times ? ' in- 
 quired Leighton. It was answered, that all the 
 brethren did it. * Then,' said Leighton, ' if all of you 
 preach up the times, you may allow one poor brother 
 to preach up Jesus Christ and eternity.' 
 
 WHERE DO DRINKERS GO TO? 
 
 The late Mr Neil M 'Vicar, minister of St Cuth- 
 bert's, near Edinburgh, was taking a walk one after- 
 noon, when he discovered a woman, one of his 
 parishioners, sitting by the road-side in a state of 
 intoxication, while her burden lay in the mud before 
 her. * Oh, will ye help me up wi' my bundle ? ' said she 
 to the minister, as he approached. ' Fie ! fie I Janet,' 
 iiaid he, ' to see the like o' you in such a plight ! Do 
 you know where all drinkers go to ? ' ' Help me up wi' 
 my bundle, sir, and I'll tell ye.' 'Well, well,' said 
 the clergyman, 'I shall. Now, answer my question.' 
 ' Weel, to tell you the truth, sir, just whaur the drap 
 0' gude drink is to be gotten I ' 
 
124 Scottish Anecdotes. . 
 
 THE LAIGH GREEN. 
 
 Some years ago, a poor boy went into a shop in 
 Glasgow, which belonged to one of the bailies. The 
 boy having an interesting appearance, the magistrate 
 put some question to him respecting his education and 
 moral instruction. Upon these points he found the 
 boy very ignorant, as might be expected, The magis- 
 trate also inquired of him how he was employed on 
 Sunday, and was told that he begged on the week days, 
 and played himself on the Sabbath day. ' What ! ' 
 says the bailie, ' is that the way you spend the Sabbath 
 day ? Do you know, my lad, where all those go that 
 play themselves on the Sabbath day ? ' ' Ay, sir, ' 
 says the boy ; ' they gang to the Laigh Green.' 
 
 EMENDATION OF SCRIPTURE. 
 
 At the time when Episcopacy was struggling for a 
 place in Scotland, much to the disgust of the common 
 people, a girl in Fife, the daughter of a non-conform- 
 ing clergyman, looking over the New Testament, and 
 finding the phrase, ' Christ, the Bishop of our souls,' 
 blotted out the Bishop, and inserted the word Presby- 
 terian ; so that it read, ' Christ, the Fresbyterian of 
 our souls.' 
 
 DOG FISH. 
 
 Some short time after the Reverend Mr Telford was 
 settled minister of the Dissenting congregation in 
 Buckhaven, a brother clergyman paid him a visit, and, 
 to give the stranger a specimen of the knowledge and 
 manners of the place, Mr Telford took a walk with his 
 friend along the shore, and coming up to a fisherman 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 125 
 
 vv^ho was clearing his line, Mr Telford addressed him 
 thus : — ' Weel, John, hae you had a gude line shot 
 this morning ? ' ' Very ordinar ; very ordinar ; an' 
 gotten a' ma line ted (entangled) to the bargain wi' 
 thae brutes,'' replied the fisherman, pointing to some 
 large dog-fish. ' Are these fish so very troublesome ? ' 
 replied the minister : ' God, who made all things, 
 made them too, for some wise purpose, nae doubt.' 
 
 * Eh go ! I ne'er cud see ony sense in makin' brutes 
 like thae,' says John. 'What ! ' replied Mr Telford, 
 
 * did not God in His wisdom make all things right ? ' 
 ' Eh go ! He did no that, sir,' says John, 'he did not 
 <io that ; better to me, for my ain hand, to hae gien 
 him a pound note that mornin' He made the first doug- 
 fish ! ' 
 
 NO PAY NO PLAY. 
 
 When the first Musical Festival took place at Edin- 
 burgh, there was a great bustle, for some time before, 
 among the musicians, and much fear was expressed 
 lest there should not be a sufficent number of violin 
 players in town to fill that department of the orchestra. 
 An old woman, who conducted a wretched performer, 
 her husband, through the streets, and who thought, 
 perhaps, that the Musical Festival would be an affair 
 little better than a penny wedding, hearing of the 
 great demand for fiddlers, remarked one day to a 
 friend, — 'Faith, they'll no get oor John, unless they 
 pay him weel ! ' 
 
 CAPITULATION. 
 
 Some years ago, a gentleman in Galloway, when 
 
126 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 walking on his estate, observed a country boy rapidly 
 mounting to the top of a very high tree, in search, no 
 doubt, of a crow or pyet's nest. Being concerned for 
 the little fellow's safety, as well as anxious to banish 
 such mischievous intruders from his plantations, he 
 bawled out, — ' Ho, ye little scoundrel ! what are you 
 about there ? Come down immediately, and never let 
 me see your face in this place again.' The climber, 
 nowise alarmed at this address, rested himself on a 
 branch, and answered very laconically, * Na ; if I was 
 to come doon, you would lick me.' *No,' said the 
 gentleman, ' although you well deserve to be punished, 
 I won't beat you for this offence ; so come down 
 immediately.' ' Say as sure's death, ye'll no lick me,' 
 rejoined the culprit, 'and I'll come doon.' 'Whatf 
 you impudent rogue, do you presume to doubt my 
 word, and treat me like one of your schoolboys ? ' I 
 dinna ken,' whimpered the pertinacious boy ; ' but 
 unless you say as sure's death, I'll no come doon the 
 day.' The gentleman, who was a distinguished 
 humourist, had now great difficulty in preserving his 
 gravity ; and, finding farther remonstrance vain, he at 
 last fairly capitulated with the enemy, and agreed to 
 grant him his own terms, and to let him march off 
 with all the honours of wai. 
 
 AN EDIFYING SERMON. 
 
 Mr Johnston, minister of the parish of Lyne and 
 Megget, was a man of a singular character. The two 
 parishes, which are twenty miles distant, are very 
 thinly inhabited, both containing only i6o souls. In 
 winter, Mr Johnston used to assemble the few that could 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 127 
 
 attend, being so widely scattered, in his own kitchen, 
 and set down before them a bottle or two of whisky, 
 saying, ' Ye'll no be the waur o' a wee drap o' that, as 
 this is an unco cauld day, an' ye hae a gaye bit till 
 gang ; joost tak an administer every ane o' ye to ye're 
 ain necessity.' They accordingly handed the bottle 
 round, every one taking as much as he thought his ne- 
 cessity required, as the minister thought a glass wholly 
 unnecessar)'. It is needless to say, the congregation 
 were greatly edified. 
 
 PROPER PRECAUTION. 
 
 One night, as a great number of lads and lasses 
 were holding what Burns calls 'a rocking,' in the 
 house of a weaver at Paisley, the conversation hap- 
 pened to turn on a set of depredators, who had lately 
 taken away a great number of out-of-door articles dur- 
 ing the night, and to guard against whom it was now 
 necessary to take every possible precaution. When 
 the conversation was at that crisis, an aged bed-rid 
 grandfather of the family, whose voice had not been 
 heard the whole night, rose like a ghost in his bed, his 
 mind seriously disturbed by fears for the safety of an 
 immense disabled cast-iron pot, which had lain for 
 years useless in the court. ' I'll tell thee what, Eppie,' 
 he said to his daughter-in-law, in the peculiar dialect 
 of his native town ; ' tu had better tak in ta mickle pat, 
 or aiblins it'll be nippit up too.' 
 
 A HIGHLAND BULL. 
 
 About the time umbrellas were first introduced, a 
 Highlander making some purchases at a grocer's shop 
 
128 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 in Dundee, was about to depart for his lodgings, when 
 one of those heavy showers, so frequent in summer, 
 came on. The grocer very obHgingly invited Donald 
 to stay till the shower ' wad blaw by ; ' but, seeing him 
 bent on going, kindly offered to lend him an umbrella. 
 'Thank you, thank you,' said the Celt; ' she'll shust 
 rin hame for her nain.' 
 
 NAE MOTIVE. 
 
 Everybody is aware of the indolent character of the 
 author of * The Seasons ; ' of his being found once in 
 a garden, eating fruit off a tree with his hands in his 
 pockets, etc. A friend one day entered his room, and, 
 finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, 
 asked him in the name of wonder why he did not get 
 up. ' Man, I hae nae motive,' replied the poet. 
 
 LOSS OF 'THIRDLY.' 
 
 The Rev. Mr P — , minister of , had a custom 
 
 of writing the heads of his discourse on small slips of 
 paper, which he placed on the open Bible before him, 
 to be used in succession. One day, when he was ex- 
 plaining the second head, he got a little warm in the 
 harness, and came down with such a thump upon the 
 Bible with his hand, that the ensuing slip fell over the 
 edge of the pulpit, though unperceived by himself. On 
 reaching the end of his second head, he looked down 
 for the third slip ; but, alas, it was not to be found. 
 ' Thirdly,' he cried, looking round him with great anx- 
 iety. After a little pause, ' Thirdly,' again he exclaimed ; 
 but still no Thirdly appeared. ' Thirdly, I say, my 
 brethren,' pursued the bewildered clergyman : but not 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 129 
 
 another word could he utter. At this point, while the 
 congi^egation were partly sympathising in his distress, 
 and partly rejoicing in such a decisive instance of 
 the impropriety of using notes in preaching — which 
 has always been an unpopular thing in the Scotch 
 clergy, — an old woman rose up and thus addressed the 
 preacher : ' If I'm no mista'en, sir, I saw Thirdly flee 
 oot at the east window a quarter of an hour syne.' It 
 is impossible for any but a Scotchman to conceive how 
 much this account of the loss of Thirdly was relished 
 by that part of the congregation which condemned the 
 use of notes. 
 
 DR ADAM SMITH. 
 
 This distinguished philosopher was remarkable for 
 absence of mind, for simplicity of character, and for 
 muttering to himself as he walked along the streets. 
 As an anecdote of the first peculiarity, it is related of 
 him, that, having one Sunday morning walked into his 
 garden at Kirkcaldy, dressed in little besides than his 
 night-gown, he gradually fell into a reverie, from which 
 he did not awaken till he found himself in the streets 
 of Dunfermline, a town at least twelve miles off. He 
 had, in reality, trudged along the king's highway all 
 that distance, in the pursuit of a certain train of ideas ; 
 and he was only eventually stopped in his progress by 
 the bells of Dunfermline, which happened at the time 
 to be ringing the people to church. His appearance, 
 in a crowded street, on a Scotch Sunday morning, 
 without clothes, is left to the imagination of the reader. 
 
 It is told, as an example of the second peculiarity, 
 
 I 
 
130 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 that, on the evenings of those very days which he had 
 devoted to the composition of the Wealth of Nations, 
 he would sometimes walk backwards and forwards 
 through his parlour, waiting for an opportunity when 
 he might abstract a lump of sugar from the tea-table, 
 unobserved by his housekeeper, who exercised a kind 
 of control over him. 
 
 It used to be related of him, that one day as he was 
 muttering very violently to himself, in passing along 
 the streets of Edinburgh, he passed close to a couple 
 of fishwomen, who were sitting at their stalls. At 
 once putting him down for a madman at large, one 
 remarked to the other, in a pathetic tone, ' Hech ! and 
 he's weel put on too ; ' id est, well dressed ; the idea 
 of his being a gentleman having, of course, much in- 
 creased her sympathy. 
 
 ELEGANCE BY ACCIDENT. 
 
 The following curious anecdote is told of Lady 
 Wallace, famed, in her maiden days, as Miss Eglin- 
 toune Maxwell of Monteith, and the sister of the 
 Duchess of Gordon. The young lady's family was 
 about to attend the races at Leith, and the coach was 
 just at the stairfoot, ready to take them away, when 
 it was discovered that Miss Eglintoune was not ready, 
 on account of wanting her head-dress, which she was 
 expecting the milliner to appear with every moment. 
 It so happened, that as the milliner was coming along 
 the street with the dress in her hand, she permitted 
 some part of it to catch the knee-buckle of a street 
 porter, by which it was torn, and, as she thought 
 
Scottish A?iecdotes. 131 
 
 completely spoilt. However, she took it to Miss 
 Eglintoune, and told her the story, with many pro- 
 testations of regret. The volatile young lady took 
 the dress from her hands, and, running to her glass, 
 proceeded to put it on, torn as it was, only arranging 
 it upon her head in such a way as to conceal the mis- 
 fortune. She then joined her friends in the carriage, 
 and at Leith, attracting, as usual, much attention, the 
 ladies, instead of ridiculing the awkward appearance of 
 her cap, admired it exceedingly, and came back to 
 Edinburgh, full cry, in the afternoon, to get caps of 
 the same description. Of course it was soon known 
 that it was the manufacture of the milliner, who forth- 
 with was completely overwhelmed with orders for simi- 
 lar caps ; and we believe, was obliged to tear them 
 with a nail in her counter, in order to complete their 
 resemblance to the original. 
 
 A YOUNG MAN IN GREAT DISTRESS. 
 
 A young clergyman one day holding forth in a chapel 
 of ease at Edinburgh, became unusually animated to- 
 wards the conclusion of his discourse ; but, all at once, 
 as he did not use notes, and had a somewhat treacher- 
 ous memory, he stopped short, became confused, and 
 seemed utterly unable to proceed. In this dilemma, 
 he thought it would be best to go back a little ; as a 
 man who has been unable to clear a bar at one jump, 
 would repeat his attempt, and hope to be successful, 
 by dint of a longer race. Even this expedient failed 
 him, however ; for, after repeating a passage of con- 
 siderable length over again, he stopped exactly at the 
 same point. At that moment, to the great amusement 
 
132 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 of the audience, the precentor awoke from a profound 
 sleep ; and, thinking the sermon at an end, read out a 
 line which had been put into his hands before, accord- 
 ing to a common custom, 'Remember in prayer, a 
 young man in great distress of body and mind.' 
 
 PIEBALD EPITAPH. 
 
 Mr Pryse Gordon relates, in his curious Autobio- 
 graphy, that a sailor having thought proper to enclose 
 the parish churchyard of Deskford, near Cullen, in 
 order to keep it decent, his executor placed a tomb- 
 stone over him after death, on which was the following 
 epitaph : — 
 
 'Hie jacet Joannes Anderson, Aberdoniensis.' 
 Here his latinity failed him, and the sequel was in 
 English, 
 ' Who built this churchyard dyke at his own expenses.' 
 
 ROBERT BURNS. 
 
 Burns was one day in a gentleman's library. The 
 collection was very fine ; but the owner happened to 
 be a man not the most able in the world to appreci- 
 ate the contents. After some conversation with Burns, 
 he expressed himself as being particularly anxious 
 about the bindings of his books : he liked to see books 
 with a handsome exterior. Next morning, the wicked 
 poet was found to have left the following couplet on 
 the library table : — 
 
 ' Free through these books, ye maggots, make your 
 winding ; 
 But, for the owner's sake, oh spare the binding ! ' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 133 
 
 LONGEVITY. 
 
 A vender of brooms, named John Tait, died some 
 years ago in the parish of Gladsmuir, Haddingtonshire, 
 at the age of one hundred and twenty- five. He used 
 to say that he had had five-and-twenty children, who 
 suj^ered baptism. His wife was a woman of about 
 sixty, at the time when he had long passed his hun- 
 dredth year. Whenever she did anything which ex- 
 cited the derision of her neighbours, he used to say, 
 'Never mind her, puir thing, she' s young and thocht- 
 less. 
 
 PRICE OF A cadger's SUPPER. 
 
 Upon the wild road betwixt Edinburgh and Lanark, 
 and nearly half way between these towns, there is a 
 lonely place called Corset-hill, where, for a long time, 
 towards the end of the last century, a poor old widow 
 woman kept a house of entertainment for the humbler 
 class of wayfarers. The minister of the parish, one 
 day calling upon this person, when on a professional 
 tour among his flock, put to her the question from the 
 Shorter Catechism, ' What is the Lord's Supper ? ' 
 The hostel- wife, more accustomed, it would appear, to 
 cast her thoughts upon temporal than upon spiritual 
 matters, answered with great readiness, ' Deed, sir, 
 there's nae lords come hereawa ; but I'se tell ye 
 what a cadger's is. It's just a groat ; and what they 
 leave at nicht, they tak away in their pouch wi' them 
 i' the morning ! ' 
 
 CHELSEA pensioner. 
 
 A Chelsea pensioner who was sick, and refused 
 
134 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 payment of his pension unless he was personally pie- 
 sent, at length, with some difficulty, made his appear- 
 ance before the collector of excise (one Lawrence 
 Angus), in Caithness, who had a most remarkably 
 ugly face. The collector, on the old veteran's coming 
 in, said, ' He was sure he couldna be very ill, for he 
 leuked as weel as he did.' * As weel as you ! ' said 
 the soldier, ' I expect to leuk as weel as you seven years 
 efter I'm dead ! ' 
 
 CLERICAL WIT. 
 
 The facetious Watty Morrison, as he was commonly 
 called, was entreating the commanding officer of a 
 regiment at Fort George to pardon a poor fellow sent 
 to the halberds. The officer granted his petition, on 
 condition that Mr Morrison should accord with the 
 first favour he asked ; the favour was to perform the 
 ceremony of baptism for a young puppy. A merry 
 party of gentlemen were invited to the christening. 
 
 Mr Morrison desired Major to hold up the dog. 
 
 ' As I am a minister of the Kirk of Scotland,' said Mr 
 
 M., ' I must proceed accordingly.' Major said 
 
 he asked no more. 'Well, then, major, I begin with 
 the usual question, " You acknowledge yourself the 
 father of this puppy?"' The major understood the 
 joke, and threw away the animal. Thus did Mr 
 iSIorrison turn the laugh against the ensnarer, who in- 
 tended to deride a sacred ordinance. 
 
 On another occasion, a young officer scoffed at the 
 parade of study, to which clergymen assigned their 
 right to remuneration for labour ; and he offered to 
 
Scottish Aiiecdoies. 135 
 
 take a bet he would preach half-an-hourupon any verse 
 or section of a verse, in the Old or New Testament. 
 Mr Morrison took the bet, and pointed out, ' And the 
 ass opened his mouth, and bespoke.' The officer de- 
 clined employing his eloquence on that text. Mr Mor- 
 rison won the wager, and silenced the scomer. 
 
 MARQUIS OF MONTROSE. 
 
 A descendant of the Marquis of Montrose, being 
 taunted by a Campbell for the long time his ancestor's 
 head was stuck upon the Tolbooth at Edinburgh, ' Mon- 
 trose,' said he, ' was too good a soldier to quit his post 
 till he was relieved,' alluding to the Marquis of Argyle's 
 head having been placed in its stead after the Restor- 
 ation. 
 
 SCOTCH JUDGE. 
 
 A judge of the Court of Session, well-known for 
 speaking his mother tongue in its broadest accent, as 
 well on the bench as in common discourse, on a parti- 
 cular occasion was addressed by a barrister, equally 
 noted for the elegance and purity of his style, as his 
 lordship was the reverse, who opened the case of his 
 client in the following words : — ' My lord, the pursuer, 
 my client, is an itinerant violin player.' ' WTiat's that ? ' 
 said his lordship ; ' is that what ye ca' a blin' fiddler ? ' 
 * Vulgarly so called,^ said tne lawyer. 
 
 writer's clerk. 
 Two writer's clerks, or apprentices, in Edinburgh, 
 were one day wending their way towards the Parlia- 
 ment House, when a gust of wind carried a bunch of 
 
136 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 papers out of the hand of one of them, and caused it 
 to spin for a little distance along the street before him, 
 so that he had to make all the haste he could to regain 
 it. On returning to the side of his companion, 'What 
 kind of process,' he cried, ' do you think that was, 
 which I have had such hard work to overtake ? ' 
 'Why,' replied the other, 'I don't exactly know ; but 
 from appearances I should think in meditatione fi^gqe! 
 
 MR PETER GLASS. 
 
 Mr Peter Glass, minister of Crail, in Fife, about the 
 middle of the eighteenth century, was one of the old 
 school of Scottish Presbyterian clergymen, — addressed 
 himself in familiar terms to the Almighty, — spoke to 
 individuals of his congregation during public worship, 
 — and invariably preached in good broad Scotch, using 
 all the homely technical terms appropriate to the sub- 
 jects he happened to have in hand. His parishioners 
 being mostly fishermen, he was praying one day that 
 the Lord would fill the men's boats wi' herrin, up to 
 the very tow-holes, — that is, we suppose, up to the 
 spaces in which the oars work, — when one of the per- 
 sons concerned roared out, * Na, no that far, sir, or we 
 wad a' be sunk ! ' 
 
 One of his landward parishioners, a farmer of the 
 name of Cowan, was remarkable above all the rest for 
 the irreverent and unpolite habit of sleeping during 
 the sermon. Whenever Mr Glass observed him to 
 sleep, he invariably stopped his sermon, and desired a 
 neighbour of the guilty person to awake him. Mr 
 Cowan was very much annoyed by this practice on the 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 137 
 
 part of the clergyman ; and at last, one day, meeting 
 him on the street, ventured to remonstrate against it as 
 at once cruel and insulting. Mr Glass argued stoutly 
 in favour of the necessity of enforcing public ordin- 
 ances in such a fashion, and seemed quite inexorable ; 
 when, at length, the good farmer said he would will- 
 ingly cause his horses to drive all the minister's coal 
 gratis, provided he would permit him to get his cus- 
 tomary nap, which he said was truly necessary to him, 
 on account of his incessant labours during the week. 
 To this the minister assented, though only v^dth the in- 
 tention of keeping his word of promise to the ear, and 
 breaking it to the hope. Next Sunday, on Mr Cowan 
 proceeding to sleep as usual, the preacher stopped, and 
 cried out, ' Waken Robin Cowan in the wast laft.' On 
 the poor man being roused accordingly, he fell a-rub- 
 bing his head with an air of great concern, and ex- 
 claimed, ' Minister, d'ye no mind oor bargain ? ' * Oh, 
 brawly do I mind oor bargain, ' answered the minister ; 
 ' but, ye ken, Robin, although I agreed to let ye sleep, 
 I didna gie ye permission to snore.'' 
 
 COMPARATIVE IMPORTANCE OF A MOTHER 
 AND A COW. 
 
 ' Weel, Sandy,' said a neighbour to a little boy in 
 the south of Fife, whose mother had been seriously 
 indisposed, ' how is your mother to-day ? ' ' Deed I 
 dinna ken very weel hoo she is,' replied Sandy, scratch- 
 ing his head ; ' but the cow's taen ill, and that's waur 
 nir my mither.' 
 
 WHO WAS JESSE ? 
 
 An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils 
 
138 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 once a-week through Watts' Scripture History, and 
 afterwards asked them promiscuously such questions 
 as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired 
 a young urchin to tell him who Jesse was ? when the 
 boy briskly replied, ' The Flower o' Dunblane, sir. ' 
 
 NAEBODY LIKE OOR AIN FOLK. 
 
 The inhabitants of Buckhaven have been long es- 
 • teemed the most illiterate and rude of all the popula- 
 tion of Fife ; but their own ideas are very different: 
 they look upon their town as a school for politeness 
 and learning. One of the townsmen, talking to a 
 stranger, said, ' Be whaur I like, or gang whaur I like, 
 I see naebody hae the sense and havens (manners) that 
 the fouk o' oor ain town hae ! ' 
 
 HIGHLAND PATIENCE. 
 
 A i lighlander was one day brought before his chiefs 
 being accused of sheep-stealing. The crime being 
 fully proved, Donald was sentenced to be hanged. It, 
 however, happened that a singular indulgence was 
 given to criminals in those days, viz., the choice of 
 any particular tree they might wish to be hanged on. 
 Accordingly, the person in office went up to Donald 
 to inquire of him which tree he should prefer to 
 be tucked up to. Donald, with a rueful countenance, 
 shrugging up his shoulders, grunted out, ' Oich ! oich ! 
 for I would like a grossart bush.' 'A grossart bush, 
 you fool ! a grossart bush is not large enough to hang 
 you.' ' Oh, oich, but I'm in no hurry ; I will just 
 wait till it grow.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 139 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 
 The passengers on board an Aberdeen smack were 
 most grievously annoyed by the nocturnal visitations 
 of myriads of hungry bugs. These little blood-suckers 
 were so incessant in their attacks, that to close an eye 
 was utterly out of the question ; nay, so severely did 
 some suffer, that in the morning, when all hands were 
 mustered in the cabin, their physiognomies were to be 
 recognised with considerable difficulty! One night 
 their agonies became so intolerable, that they bellowed 
 out to the master of the vessel, * Oh, maister ! maister ! 
 they're biting us ! ' ' Wha the deil's biting ye ? ' cries 
 the master. *0h, sir, the bugs.' The response of the 
 master, if not consolatory, was admirably laconic, 
 
 * Weel, mair feil ye ; canna ye bite them again 1 ' 
 
 MARCH OF INTELLECT. 
 
 A gentleman visiting Mr Wood's school in Ediib 
 burgh, had a book put into his hand for the purpose 
 of examining a class. The word inheritance occurring 
 m the verse, the querist interrogated the youngster as 
 follows : — ' What is inheritance ? ' * Patrimony. ' 
 
 * What is patrimony ? ' ' Something left by a father.' 
 ' What would you call it if left by a mother ? * 
 ' Matrimony. ' 
 
 GOOD BREEDING. 
 
 As a boy, son of one of the colliers of Bonnyrigg (a 
 small town south of Edinburgh, chiefly inhabited by 
 people of that description, nowise famed for their 
 erudition or good breeding), was returning from Dal • 
 keith on a Wednesdav. with groceries and other 
 
140 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 necessaries for the family, he was met by the minister, 
 who, among other questions, put to the boy, asked him 
 what he had paid for the goods. The boy, a little 
 surprised at the question (being in the habit of paying 
 only on Saturday), after looking the minister straight 
 in the face, ' Gae, ye havering b — ^h ! wha has siller i' 
 the middle o' the owk ? ' 
 
 LUDICROUS EPITAPH ON THOMAS TYRE. 
 
 In the churchyard of the parish of Kilbride, Ayr- 
 shire, the following epitaph is found inscribed on an 
 upright grave-stone. It was composed by a naval 
 officer, and, strange to say, corrected by the minister 
 of the parish. The deceased was a poor old man who 
 carried messages. 
 
 ' Here lye the banes of Thamas Tyre, 
 
 "Wha lang had trudged through dub and mire, 
 
 In carrjdng bundles, and sic lyke, 
 
 His task performing wi' sma' fyke. 
 
 To deal his snuff he aye was free. 
 
 And served his friends for little fee. 
 
 His life obscure was naething new ; 
 
 Yet we must own his faults were few. 
 
 Although at Yule he sipp'd a drap. 
 
 And in the kirk whyles took a nap,* 
 
 True to his word in every case, 
 
 Tam scorn'd to cheat for lucre base. 
 
 Now, he is gone to taste the fare, 
 
 Which only honest men will share.' 
 
 He died 1795, aged 72. 
 
 * We should think this line was exclusively the composition 
 of the minister. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 141 
 
 A SCOTCH MUNCHAUSEN. 
 
 Mr Finlayson, town-clerk of Stirling in the latter 
 part of the seventeenth century, was noted for the 
 marvellous in conversation. He was on a visit to the 
 last Earl of Monteith, in his castle of Talla, and was 
 about taking leave, when he was asked by the Earl 
 whether he had seen the Sailing Cherry Tree. ' No,' 
 said Finlayson, ' what sort of thing is it ? ' 'It is,' re- 
 plied the Earl, ' a tree that has grown out at a goose's 
 mouth, from a stone the bird had swallowed, and which 
 she bears about with her in her voyages round the 
 loch : it is now in full fruit of the most exquisite 
 flavour. Now, Finlayson,' he added, 'can you, with 
 all your powers of memory and fancy, match my story 
 of the Cherry Tree ? ' ' Perhaps I can,' said Finlay- 
 son, clearing his throat, and adding, — 'When Oliver 
 Cromwell was at Airth, one of his cannon sent a ball 
 to Stirling, and lodged it in the mouth of a trumpet 
 which one of the men in the castle was sounding in 
 defiance.' ' Was the trumpeter killed ? ' inquired the 
 EarL 'No, my lord,' said Finlayson; 'he blew the 
 ball back, and killed the artilleryman who had fired it.' 
 
 KIND PERMISSION. 
 
 A candidate for the honour of representing four Fife 
 burghs in Parliament, calling upon an honest shoe- 
 maker for his vote and influence, took the liberty of 
 kissing the gudewife, who was a middle-aged woman f 
 and, in doing so, he took the farther liberty of slipping 
 a couple of guineas out of his own mouth into that of 
 the matron. Instead of being offended by such a 
 breach of decorum, the lady slyly said, as she pockeced 
 
142 Scottish Anecdotes, 
 
 the two shining pieces, ' Gin ye like, sir, ye may kiss 
 my dochter too.' 
 
 HUGO ARNOT. 
 
 This very acute metaphysician — acute, as somebody 
 remarked, since he resembled a needle more than any- 
 thing else — published a small work under the title of 
 'An Essay on Nothing.' He remarks in it, with in- 
 genious sarcasm, that ' the tree of knowledge might 
 have been safely intrusted to the present generation. ' 
 
 His essay occasioned the following epigram by the 
 Honourable Andrew Erskine, brother to the musical 
 Earl of Kelly :— 
 
 * To find out where the bent of one's genius lies, 
 Oft puzzles the witty, and sometimes the wise ; 
 Your discernment in this all true critics must find, 
 Since the subject's so pat to your body and mind.' 
 
 This was not said at all in ill nature, but was merely 
 one of those friendly pieces of raillery, which were so 
 common among men of the best breeding in the last age. 
 
 The Honourable Henry Erskine was once disputing 
 with Arnot about the disposition which the Deity mani- 
 fests in the Holy Scriptures to pardon the errors of the 
 flesh, — the metaphysician insisting for a liberal code, 
 and the wit taking a rather more confined and Cal- 
 vinistic view of the case. At last, on Arnot avowing his 
 resolution to live in the hope of pardon, Erskine wrote 
 an epigram, where, after conceding that allowance is 
 made in the Bible for "Cao. flesh, he concludes with, — 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 143 
 
 * But I've searched the whole Scriptures, and texts 
 I find none, 
 Extending that mercy to skin and to bone ! ' 
 
 A PRACTICAL VIEW OF AN IMPORTANT 
 CONSTITUTIONAL QUESTION. 
 
 At the time when the friends of Radical Reform 
 were producing so much popular disturbance (1818- 
 i9-2o\ some of the Scotch clergy took great pains to 
 impress their congregations with a conviction of the 
 excellence of the established order of things. A 
 minister, in Galloway, had one day held forth, with 
 political knowledge equal to that of a Blackstone or a 
 De Lolme, and with all the eloquence of a fervid 
 Demosthenes, upon our finely-poised constitution — our 
 triplex government, with the duties of all its several 
 branches — the protection of our property — the impor- 
 tant right of being taxed only by our own represen- 
 tatives — and, above all, upon what he was pleased, in 
 the agony of a climax, to call OUR noble liberty of 
 THE PRESS ! It was one of those Scottish country 
 kirks, in which, as is said, there are often more colleys 
 than men ; and, as may be well supposed, most of the 
 plaided audience made but sad work in their own 
 minds of the learned eloquence of their minister. 
 The latter part, however, as we can show, was in- 
 telligible enough to at least a part of the hearers. Two 
 country lasses, servants to a neighbouring farmer, in 
 stumping home after the sermon, fell a talking, like 
 good girls, about the preaching they had heard. 
 ' Weel,' says the one to the other, ' what did ye think 
 o' the end o' the discourse, where he spoke sae grandly 
 
144 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 aboot the liberty o' the press ? ' ' Ay,' quoth the other, 
 ' what wad our gudewife say till't — her that never 
 lets the key o't oot o' her pouch ! ' 
 
 ANECDOTE OF BURNS. 
 
 Burns was standing one day upon the quay at 
 Greenock, when a wealthy merchant, belonging to the 
 town, had misfortune to fall into the harbour. He 
 was no swimmer ; and his death would have been in- 
 evitable, had not a sailor, who happened to be passing 
 at the time, immediately plunged in, and at the risk of 
 his own life, rescued him from his dangerous situation. 
 The Greenock merchant, upon recovering a little from 
 his fright, put his hand into his pocket, and generously 
 presented the sailor with a shilling. The crowd, who 
 were by this time collected, loudly protested against 
 the contemptible insignificance of the sum; but Burns, 
 with a smile of ineffable scorn, entreated them to re- 
 strain their clamour, ' For,' said he, ' the gentleman 
 is of course the best judge of the value of his own life.' 
 
 A DOMINIE OVERTAKEN. 
 
 An incident worthy of being noticed, but not of so 
 serious a nature as many others which have resulted 
 from the same cause, took place in a parish in 
 Peebles-shire, within the last few years. The school- 
 master, an ancient votary of Bacchus, Avas observed 
 one day, after holding jubilee on what he termed ' the 
 great and glorious reduction of duty upon whisky,' to 
 approach a farm-house, as he plodded his weary way 
 homeward. The good people, who had seen him 
 come in sight, thought the time long before he passed 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 145 
 
 the door, and at last they went out, for the purpose of 
 ascertaining what had become of him. The first 
 object that presented itself was the person of the 
 identical instructor of youth, lying prostrate under an 
 ever-running spout that supplied the family with 
 water ; while a duck, scared thence by his fall, was 
 squalling, 'Quack! quack! quack!' most obstrepor- 
 ously upon the top of an adjoining dunghill. The 
 clamour of the duck, and the gushing of the little 
 cataract were, it would appear, mistaken by the hapless 
 pedagogue, — the one for the voice of a companion 
 urging him to longer draughts, and the other for the 
 actual outpouring of the liquor offered ; for he held on 
 remonstrating, ' No more, I thank you, sir ! no more, I 
 thank you, sir ! ' with the utmost eagerness, till re- 
 lieved by the bystanders from his ludicrous situation. 
 
 KIRKCALDY. 
 
 The people of Kirkcaldy, a seaport in Scotland, tell 
 the following story, which will remind the reader of 
 two anecdotes related in English jest-books, regarding 
 the Stones and the Dams. — There was once a vessel 
 belonging to this port ; 'twas called ' The Cat-luggit 
 Sow of Kirkcaldy.' The master's name was Willie 
 Willison, and the mate's, Jamie Jamieson. The master, 
 getting drunk one day at a foreign port, was rowed 
 out to his vessel in a state of mental obnubilation. 
 Just upon being towed up, he awoke, and, seeing his 
 vessel without recognising it, called out, ' What ship, 
 a-hoy?' 'The Cat-luggit Sow of Kirkcaldy,' replied 
 a voice from the gangway. ' The master's name ? ' 
 ' Willie W^illison.' ' The mate's ? ' ' Jamie Jamieson,' 
 
 K 
 
146 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 ' Lord keep my puir wits ! ' cried the amazed skipper j 
 *twa Jamie Jamiesons, and tvva Willie Willisons, and 
 twa Cat-luggit Sows, a' frae the lang town o' Kirkcaldy, 
 and me to ken naething about it — gude guide us ! ' 
 
 STYLE OF DR JOHNSON. 
 
 Dr Johnson's style one night became the subject of 
 conversation, in a company where Sir Walter Scott 
 was present. Some individuals asserted that it had 
 been often imitated very successfully ; indeed, so suc- 
 cessfully, that the copy sounded quite as well as the 
 original. * Ay, soiaided,^ said Sir Walter ; ' but sound 
 only : most of them have his report, but which of them 
 carries his bullet ? ' 
 
 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY EXCHANGED. 
 
 Foote once came to Edinburgh with a complete 
 company of comedians, but did not receive much en- 
 couragement. At length, after he had pined a month, 
 a nobleman residing in town ordered a tragedy, and 
 insisted on Foote and all his comedians performing in 
 it, notwithstanding their being not at all adapted fr.r 
 that branch of dramatic representation. The thing took 
 well, on account of its absurdity, and the execrable act- 
 ing ; and, after a fortnight of crowded houses. Foote 
 returned in good spirits, remarking, that if comedy had 
 become tragedy with him in one respect, tragedy, or 
 something very like it, had become comedy in another. 
 
 LORD LOVAT AND LORD KAMES. 
 
 When Henry Home, afterwards Lord Kames, was 
 a young man, Lovat observed his talents, and conceiv- 
 
Scottish Aftecdotes. 147 
 
 ingi from his success at the bar, that he might, in the 
 course of time, become serviceable to himself, resolved 
 to make him his friend. Lovat then lived in a villa 
 somewhere about the head of Leith Walk, and often 
 observed the rising advocate pass up and down between 
 Edinburgh and Leith. Presuming upon a very slight 
 acquaintance, his lordship one day ran out, and, get- 
 ting Home all in his arms, began to administer some 
 of those flattering compliments, which he used to call 
 his weapons. ' My dear Henry,' he cried, ' how heartily 
 I rejoice in this rencontre ! How does it come to pass,' 
 he continued, ' that you never look in upon me ? Al- 
 most every day I see you go past my windows, as if 
 for the very purpose of inflaming me with a more and 
 more passionate desire of your company. You ought 
 really to consider that, in proportion as you have the 
 power of charming, so you ought to have the will. 
 The most beautiful women are, providentially, the 
 most kind. Now you are so fine-looking, so tall, and 
 altogether so delightful in your aspect, that, unless you 
 will vouchsafe me some favour, 1 must absolutely die 
 of unrequited passion.' * My Lord,' cried Home, en- 
 deavouring to extricate himself from his admirer's arms, 
 * this is quite intolerable. I ken very weel I am the 
 coarsest and most black-avised bitch in a' the Court of 
 Session. Ye needna think to impose upon me with 
 your fair-fashioned speeches. Hae dune — hae dune.' 
 'Well, Henry,' said Lovat in an altered tone, 'you are 
 the first man I have ever met with who had the under- 
 standing to withstand flattery.' *My dear lord,' said 
 Home, 'I am glad to hear you say so.' J^em acu 
 tetis^erat. 
 
148 Scottish Anecdotes. . 
 
 HACKSTOUN OF RATHILLET. 
 
 The son of this celebrated Covenanter was a Jacob- 
 ite, and turned out in the Fifteen. A future repre- 
 sentative married into the family of Hay of Naughton, 
 which was unfortunately tainted with a strain of mad- 
 ness. The offspring of this marriage was a son, named 
 Helenus, who, along with the talent inherent in his 
 father's family, had, moreover, a great portion of the 
 insanity of his other parent. Old Hackstoun used to 
 say to this youth, on observing any symptom of ex- 
 travagance, ' Helenus, Helenus, ma man, I doot ye've 
 owre muckle mither wit.' 
 
 This Helenus married a lady, who had previously 
 had two husbands ; and he was never after free from 
 quarrels and lawsuits with his wife's various families 
 and connections. In the course of one of these suits he 
 published an account of his family, with an appendix, 
 containing letters that passed between himself and his 
 opponents' party — the names all in blanks, and there- 
 fore the whole quite unintelligible except to himself. 
 He used to come to Edinburgh, and ride through the 
 streets in a carriage, the panels of which were all 
 covered over with devices in the shape of coats-armo- 
 rial, allusive to the circumstances of his lawsuits. 
 These were of his own invention ; and, if we are not 
 mistaken, he also painted them himself. One may 
 serve as a specimen of the whole. He had a gentle- 
 man, of the name of Baillie, one of his wife's sons, 
 represented sitting in the corner of a room upon a large 
 egg, titled with the word ' Plot.' This was one of his 
 enemies, he said, hatching a plot against him. In 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 149 
 
 such drivel encJed the line of the stern murderer ol 
 Arclilnshop Sharpe. 
 
 Old Hackstoun one ciay said to Mr Smibert, th*" 
 minister ot Cupar, who was also blessed with a foolisK 
 or rather wild youth for a son, ' D'ye ken, sir, you and 
 I are wiser than Solomon.' ' How can that be, Rath- 
 illet?' inquired the startled clergyman. * Oo, ye see,' 
 replied Hackstoun, ' Solomon didna ken whether his 
 son was to be a fool or a wise man ; but baith you and 
 I are quite sure thai our sons arejools.' 
 
 CURIOUS ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 The following singular advertisement appeared in 
 the year 1783, in a Scotch newspaper : — 'To be let, a 
 Beggar's Stand, in a good," charitable neighbourhood, 
 bringing in about 30s. c week. Some good-will is 
 required. 
 
 ^ N.B. — A dog for a blind man to be disposed of.' 
 
 HUMILITY. 
 
 A Stirling M'-eaver had been exalted to the distin- 
 guished rank of Convener of the Trades in that ancient 
 royal burgh. On the Sunday immediately subsequent 
 to his exaltation, he went to the parish church with 
 the magistrates. Arrayed in a goodly suit of black 
 cloth, decked with a golden chain, and placed in the 
 front seat of the gallery, he felt his mind overwhelmed 
 by such splendid distinction. Unceitain whether he 
 might not have been somehow or other translated to a 
 seat in the council of the gods, he rose up in his place, 
 before the minister had made his appearance, and 
 
150 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 gravely cried out to the assembled congregation, ' Good 
 people ! am 1 indeed a mortal 77ian 1 ' 
 
 THE FALL OF ADAM. 
 
 In the village of Newhaven, there lived a fisherman 
 of the name of Adam L — , who, upon the birth of his 
 first child, called upon Dr Johnston, the late worthy 
 minister of the parish, who, as is usual on such occa- 
 sions, interrogated him about his religious knowledge, 
 which was very slender indeed. This deficiency eli- 
 cited a pretty severe reproof from the reverend doctor; 
 and the next time he went on his parochial visitation 
 to Newhaven, he left a Catechism in the house for 
 their perusal, with instructions to get it by heart. The 
 wife being again in the family way, occasioned sad 
 forebodings to the poor fisher of the ordeal he was to 
 pass through. In the meantime, another parochial 
 visitation took place ; and, after visiting the one side of 
 the street, intimation was given the day before, that 
 to-morrow the minister would visit the other. This 
 intelligence horrified Adam ; the idea of being ques- 
 tioned upon his religious acquirements struck him with 
 terror. The day the visitation took place, Adam con- 
 stantly kept the other side of the causeway ; but, un- 
 luckily falling in with some companions, got so drunk, 
 that after several falls, he was carried home and put 
 to bed. Upon the minister calling he inquired of 
 Jenny the wife for her husband, who, to excuse his 
 not appearing, said he was at the fishing. The doctor 
 then asked her if she had read with care the Catechism 
 he left with her the last visit, and how she had im- 
 proved in knowledge. * Ay hae I, I've read it mony a 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 1 5 1 
 
 time,' was the answer. ' Weel, Jenny,' says the min- 
 ister, ' what was the cause of Adam's fall ? ' ' Clashin' 
 neighbours, sir,' says Jenny. 'Sin, Jenny,' quoth the 
 doctor, ' was the cause of Adam's fall.' ' It's no trie, 
 sir, it was sin nane — it was drink,' replied Jenny ; and 
 calling to her husband, ' Adam, ye may as weel rise ; 
 he kens a' about it ; the clashin' deevils o' neighbours 
 hae tauld a'.' Immediately the poor fisherman ap- 
 peared on the floor, to the no small astonishment of 
 the doctor. 
 
 VOLUNTEER COURAGE. 
 
 In an Edinburgh newspaper, of the 9th of July 1796, 
 was the following paragraph : — ' An indictment has 
 been preferred before the Sheriff against a breeches 
 viaker, for a violent assault on three of the Royal 
 Edinburgh volunteers.' 
 
 THOMSON THE POET. 
 
 When the first edition of the Seasons came out, the 
 poet sent a copy, handsomely bound, to Sir Gilbert 
 Elliot of Minto, afterwards Lord Justice-Clerk, who 
 had shown the poet great kindness. Sir Gilbert 
 showed the book to his gardener, a relation of James 
 Thomson, who took it into his hands, and turning it 
 over and over, and gazing on it with adiniration, Sir 
 Gilbert said to him, ' Weel, David, what do you think 
 of your friend James Thomson now ? There's a book 
 will make him famous all the world over, and im- 
 mortaUse his name.' David, looking now at Sir 
 Gilbert, and then at the book, said, ' In troth, sir, it 
 is a grand book ; I didna think the lad had ingenuity 
 enough to hae done sic a neat piece o' handicraft.' 
 
152 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 A BLACK PUDDING. 
 
 A country woman, who was very anxious to hear a 
 certain clergyman preach, at some distance from her 
 place of residence, put a black pudding into her bosom 
 to serve as a refreshment. The clergyman, happening 
 to preach on our darling sins, used the expression so 
 often, ' Pull them out of your bosom,' that the woman, 
 in a pet, pulled out the pudding and threw it at him, 
 saying, ' There, tak it ; what need for makin' a' this 
 noise about a bit black puddin'?' 
 
 DEFINITION OF LOVE. 
 
 At a parochial examination, the minister asked a 
 sort of half-crazy woman what love was, which the 
 string of his former questions led him to. 'What's 
 love, Nanny?' 'Hoot fye, sir,' says Nanny, 'dinna 
 speer sic daft-like questions as that, when I'm sure ye 
 ken that love's joost an wncofykiness \ mind ; an' 
 what mair can me or ony other body say about it ? ' 
 
 GOING TO RAMOTH GILEAD. 
 
 A sailor, who had served the king so long at sea 
 that he almost forgot the usages of civilised society on 
 shore, went one day into the church at his native town 
 of Kirkcaldy, in Fife, where it happened that the 
 minister chose for his text the well-known passage, 
 ' Who will go up with us to Ramoth Gilead ? ' This 
 emphatic appeal being read a second time, and in a 
 still more impressive tone of voice, the thoughtless tar 
 crammed a quid of tobacco into his cheek, rose up, 
 put on his hat ; then, looking around him, and seeing 
 nobody moving, he exclaimed, *You cowardly lub- 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 153 
 
 bers I will none of you go with the old gentleman ? 
 Damn my eyes, I'll go for one.' So out he went, 
 giving three cheers at the door, to the amazement of 
 all present. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF THE CELEBRATED MR RALPH ERSKINE, 
 THE FATHER OF THE SCOTTISH SECESSION. 
 
 The only amusement in which this celebrated man 
 indulged was playing on the violin. He was so great 
 a proficient on this instmment, and so often beguiled 
 his leisure hours with it, that the people of Dunferm- 
 line believed he composed his sermons to its tones, as 
 a poet writes a song to a particular air. They also 
 tell the following traditionary anecdote connected with 
 the subject : — A poor man, in one of the neighbour- 
 ing parishes, having a child to baptise, resolved not to 
 employ his own clergyman, with whom he w^as at 
 issue on certain points of doctrine, but to have the 
 office performed by some minister of whose tenets 
 fame gave a better report. With the child in his arms, 
 therefore, and attended by the full complement of old 
 and young women who usually minister on such occa- 
 sions, he proceeded to the manse of , some miles 
 
 off (not that of Mr Erskine), where he inquired if 
 the clergyman was at home. * Na ; he's no at hame 
 ye noo,' answered the servant lass; 'he's doon the 
 burn fishing : but I can soon cry him in. ' * Ye needna 
 gie yoursel the trouble,' replied the man, quite shocked 
 at this account of the minister's habits ; ' nane o' your 
 fishin' ministers shall bapteeze my bairn.' Off he then 
 trudged, followed by his whole train, to the residence 
 of another parochial clergyman, at the distance of 
 
154 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 some miles. Here, on his inquiring if the minister 
 was at home, the lass answered, "Deed, he's no at 
 hame the day ; he's been oot since sax i' the mornin' 
 at the shootin'. Ye needna wait, neither ; for he'll 
 be sae made-out ' (fatigued) ' when he comes back, that 
 he'll no be able to say boo to a calf, let-a-be kirsen a 
 wean ! ' * Wait, lassie ! ' cried the man, in a tone of 
 indignant scorn ; ' wad I wait, d'ye think, to haud up 
 my bairn before a minister that gangs oot at sax i' the 
 mornin' to shoot God's creatures ? I'll awa doon to 
 gude Mr Erskine at Dunfermline ; and he'll be neither 
 oot at the fishin' nor shootin', I think.' The whole 
 baptismal train then set off for Dunfermline, sure that 
 the father of the Secession, although not now a placed 
 minister, would at least be engaged in no unclerical 
 sports, to incapacitate him for performing the sacred 
 ordinance in question. On their arriving, however, 
 at the house of the clergyman, which they did not do 
 till late in the evening, the man, on rapping at the 
 door, anticipated that he would not be at home any 
 more than his brethren, as he heard the strains of a 
 fiddle proceeding from the upper chamber. ' The 
 minister 'ill no be at hame,' he said with a sly smile to 
 the girl who came to the door, ' or your lad (sweetheart) 
 wadna be playin' that gate t'ye on the fiddle.' 'The 
 minister is at hame,' quoth the girl, ' mair by token 
 it's himsel that's playin', honest man : he aye takes 
 a tune at night, before gangin to bed. Faith, there's 
 nae lad o' mine can play that gate : it wad be some- 
 thing to tell if ony o' them could.' ^That the minister 
 playing ! ' cried the man, in a degree of astonishment 
 and horror far transcending what he had expressed on 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 155 
 
 either of the former occasions. ' If he does this, what 
 may the rest no do ! Weel, I fairly gie them up a'the- 
 gither. I have travelled this haill day in search o' a 
 godly minister, and never man met wi' mair disap- 
 poinlmeni in a day's journey. I'll tell ye M^hat, gude- 
 wife,' he added, turning to the disconsolate party 
 behind, ' we'll just awa back to our ain minister after 
 a' ! He's no a'thegither sound, it's true ; but, let him 
 be what he likes in doctrine, deil hae me if ever I 
 kenned him fish, shoot, or play on the fiddle a' his days ! ' 
 
 IMPLICIT FAITH. 
 
 The celebrated Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat, to his 
 other qualities, added the most inordinate vanity. In 
 1736, he erected a monument (still extant) in the old 
 church of Kirkhill, within a few miles of Castle Dounie, 
 to the memory of his father, in which he took occasion 
 to say of himself, that ' both at home and abroad, by 
 his eminent actions in the war and the state, he had 
 acquired great honours and reputation.' Sir Robert 
 Munro, who fell at Falkirk, being on a visit to Lord 
 Lovat, they went together to view this monument. 
 Sir Robert upon reading the inscription, in a free 
 manner, said, ' Simon, how the devil came you to put 
 up such boasting romantic stuff? ' To which the wary 
 Jacobite replied, ' The monument and inscription are 
 chiefly for the Frasers, who must believe whatever I, 
 their chief, require of them, and their posterity will 
 think it as true as the gospel.' 
 
 DUKE OF ARGYLL. 
 
 John, Duke of Argyll, having been with some ladies 
 
156 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 in the opera-house in London, an English squire, puff- 
 ing, blowing, and sweating, entered the box in which 
 they were seated, with his hunting boots on, and whip 
 in hand. The Duke instantly rose up, and making 
 a low bow, exclaimed, ' Sir, I am very much obliged 
 to you.' ' Oh ! why ? — how ? — for what ? ' ' For not 
 bringing your horse here.'' 
 
 AMOR PATRI^. 
 
 A gentleman from the Highlands of Scotland, at- 
 tended by his trusty servant Donald, a native of the 
 wild and mountainous district of Lochaber in Inver- 
 ness-shire, when travelling through the fertile and de- 
 lightful plains of Italy, asked Donald what he would 
 do if he possessed an estate there ? Donald instantly 
 replied, ' Please your honour, I would sell him, and 
 buy an estate in Lochaber ! ' 
 
 POOR MAN OF MUTTON. 
 
 A leg of mutton, in its last stage of scraggism, is 
 sometimes (in Scotland) devilled, or otherwise pre- 
 pared for the table, and then bears the familiar title of 
 *a poor man of mutton,' or more briefly, ' a poor man.' 
 It is related by Dr Jamieson, in his Dictionary, that a 
 Scotch nobleman entering an inn at London, after a 
 long journey, and being asked by the landlord what 
 he would please to have, answered with a yawn, ' I 
 daresay I could take a bit of a poor man. ' ' A bit of 
 what ? ' inquired the landlord. ' A bit of a poor man,' 
 repeated his lordship. ' The Lord have a care of my 
 poor soul ! ' cried mine host, and made but one step 
 from the top of the stair to the bottom ; nor could he 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 157 
 
 be prevailed upon, till the phrase was explained by 
 the nobleman's valet, to make his appearance again 
 in the parlour. 
 
 THE BLACK BITCH. 
 
 Dr Jamieson, in his elaborate and most amusing 
 Lexicon, tells a similar story regarding the misappre- 
 hension of another familiar Scotch phrase. It used 
 to be no uncommon thing, it seems, for millers to have 
 a small bag, which they hung underneath a hole in the 
 channel through which the meal runs ; by which means 
 they, as it were, cut the throat of any bag of grain sub- 
 mitted to their hands, and enriched themselves at the 
 expense of their customers. This bag was metaphori- 
 cally and commonly entitled ' The Black Bitch.' One 
 day, a miller in the south of Scotland, being in terms 
 with a landed proprietor for the lease of a mill, and 
 complaining that the stated rent was too high, ' Oh,* 
 said a legal gentleman who was to draw the lease, 
 * you will make it all up with the Black Bitch.' ' Black 
 Bitch ! ' cried the proprietor of the mill, not alarmed 
 at the prospect of his tenants suffering from the species 
 of robbery described, but at the idea that his new 
 miller was a poacher, ' if you keep a sporting dog, I 
 will have nothing to do with you.' And it was not 
 till after a good deal of explanation that this stickler 
 for the preservation of game could be persuaded to 
 complete the negotiation. 
 
 HARD TERMS. 
 
 A Fife clerg^'man, of very gentle disposition, one 
 Sunday came upon a pair of Borrowstownness colliers, 
 
158 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 who had come over the Firth of Forth, and made a 
 piratical descent upon one of his bean-fields. Dis- 
 posed to take pacific measures with the offenders, the 
 worthy man began to represent to them, in the first 
 place, the sin of thus violating the sanctity of the 
 Sabbath ; in the second, the wickedness of destroying 
 so much of his property while in an unripe state, and 
 M^hen it could be of so little service to themselves, 
 ' Stay,' he entreated, ' till the beans are ripe, and, if 
 you will not steal any before that time, I shall will- 
 ingly give you a whole peck as a sort of reward for 
 your patience and honesty.' 'A peck ! ' cried one of 
 the wretches, in a tone of mingled astonishment and 
 scorn ; ' a peck ! Lord, man, we wadna tak your bow ! ' 
 (We would not take a boll as the purchase of our 
 honesty.) 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 159 
 
 JOKES OF THE JACOBITES. 
 
 [This celebrated party exhibited, at least so far as 
 Scotland was concerned, all that propensity to wit and 
 sarcasm which generally characterises a depressed 
 faction, who dare not well appear either in arms or in 
 letters. They had, indeed, a sort of armoury of jests, 
 which they used in defect of better weapons, as a 
 means of annoying the enemy ; while many possessed 
 a genuine talent for i77ipromptu repartee. It is hoped 
 that the following specimens of their wit and humour 
 will be esteemed worthy of the space they occupy, — 
 if not, in all cases, for the success of the sally, at least 
 as commemorating the moral peculiarities of a party, 
 formerly important, but now completely extinct. The 
 specimens are, almost to a joke, original.] 
 
 NEW WARK AND AULD WARK. 
 
 The old Presbyterian General, David Leslie, it is 
 well known, chose, at the Restoration, to repent of all 
 the deeds of his youth, and express himself a sound and 
 zealous Loyalist. Charles II., it is also well known, 
 made him a peer, under the title of Lord Newark. 
 A Loyalist of older standing, and who had, perhaps, 
 experienced some sound blows from Leslie's troopers in 
 his younger days, is said to have remonstrated with the 
 King upon a proceeding which showed so much dis- 
 respect for his old friends. ' By my soul,' said this 
 
i6o Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 bold cavalier, * instead o' raising him to the peerage 
 for his new wark, there wad hae been mair justice 
 if your Majesty had raised him to the gallows for his 
 auld wark.' 
 
 EARL OF R — . 
 
 The Earl of R — , eighty years ago, was so weak 
 in his mind, or rather so unmanageable, that his re- 
 lations had to confine him in the Canongate Jail, — 
 there being then no other asylum for the reception of 
 lunatics at Edinburgh. Some English officers, be- 
 longing to the Duke of Cumberland's army, happening 
 to visit the prison, and being informed that it had no 
 less distinguished a tenant than an Ear], asked his 
 lordship, in much surprise, how he got into such a 
 place as this? ' 'Deed, gentlemen,' replied the lunatic, 
 whose mind, like that of other idiots, occasionally 
 gave forth strange flashes of wit, as the darkest 
 nights are illuminated by the brightest lightning. ' I 
 got in here in somewhat the same manner that you 
 got into the army, — less by my ain deserts than by the 
 interest of my friends.' 
 
 His lordship, being brother-in-law to Lord Lovat, 
 was suspected of Jacobitism, and, after the Highland 
 army had gone to England, was examined, on that 
 account, by some of the State officers. On its being 
 imputed to him that he had wished well to the rebels 
 while they remained in Edinburgh, — ^ Me ! ' he cried, 
 * me wish them weel ! a pack o' nasty, lousy, low-lifed 
 scoundrels, — as I tell'd them they were, — that wad 
 never do ony gude in this world, but gang to the next on 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. i6i 
 
 a widdy.' 'How?' cried the examinators, 'did you 
 really tell them so, my Lord ? ' ' That I did,' said the 
 Earl ; ' only I loot them be twa mile awa first.' 
 
 BARE-FACED REBELLION. 
 
 The Hon. Andrew Erskine, wit and poet, was, like 
 his brother, the musical Earl of Kelly, an enthusiastic 
 Jacobite. He was one night in a miscellaneous com 
 pany at Edinburgh, when a Whig lady began to 
 inveigh, with great bitterness, against the principles 
 which had urged, and the men who had acted, in the 
 late insurrection. It was then the customary cant of 
 the House of Commons, and of the well-affected part 
 of the nation at large, to call Prince Charles's campaign, 
 * that wicked and unnacural rebellion.' But this lady, 
 with still greater at surdity, termed it not only wicked 
 and unnatural, but also a /^ar^-faced rebellion. After 
 she had several times come over the epithet ' bare- 
 faced,' Mr Erskine edged his chair towards her a little, 
 and speaking sideways, in his peculiar and sly manner, 
 said, — 'I dinna pretend, madam, to see how it can 
 well be ca'd a hzx^-faced rebellion ; but weel I wat, 
 I'm sure it was a h^xt-doupit ane ! ' — alluding to the 
 dress of the Highlanders. 
 
 NOT OUR LAWFUL SOVEREIGN. 
 
 An English regiment, stationed at Peterhead, not 
 long after the Rebellion of 1745, received such polite 
 attentions from the inhabitants, that the colonel deter- 
 mined, by way of expressing his gratitude, to invite the 
 principal inhabitants to dinner. Among those selected 
 for invitation was Bishop Dunbar ; but some one, on 
 
 L 
 
i62 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 being told so by the colonel, remarked, that that person 
 was only a Scotch Bishop, and perhaps unworthy of 
 the honour he designed to confer upon him. ' Oh, 
 never mind that,' cried the Englishman, *my father 
 was a bishop, and I respect the title, by whatever 
 countryman it maybe borne.' Not satisfied with this, 
 he called upon the Bishop in person, and requested, 
 in very respectful terms, the honour of his company. 
 The Bishop, who was a man of a very modest and re- 
 tired mode of life, desired to be excused, on the plea 
 of his age and infirmities ; and also represented to the 
 colonel, that, as his principles forbade him to join in 
 certain public toasts, it would perhaps be just as agree- 
 able to all parties that he should not attend. The 
 colonel would by no means listen to any excuses; and, 
 at last, succeeded in obtaining the old man's consent, 
 though not before he had promised, that no toast should 
 be given at all calculated to offend the feelings of the 
 guest. At dinner everything proceeded well; but on 
 ' The King ' being given, after the withdrawal of the 
 cloth, and the Bishop drinking it with the preliminary 
 addition of the word ' rightful,' a cornet swore a violent 
 oath, and exclaimed, 'That is not King George, sir.* 
 ' I take you all to witness,' said the old clergyman, 
 placidly, but with triumph beaming in his eye ; 'this 
 young gentleman says, King George is not our rightful 
 sovereign ! ' This good thing was hailed by a burst 
 of laughter, at the cornet's expense. 
 
 M.^'^SACRE OF GLENCOE. 
 
 A coach horse belonging to President Dalrymple, 
 whose share in this odious transaction is well known, 
 
Scottish Anecdotes, 163 
 
 happening to hang itself, as the stable phrase goes, in 
 the stall, an old testy coachman, of the name of John, 
 was deputed from the stable to acquaint his lordship 
 with the fact. The President, unable to comprehend 
 how the animal should have accomplished its own 
 death, and perhaps suspicious of negligence on the 
 part of its attendants, questioned the man a good deal 
 as to the manner of the accident ; the great burden of 
 his inquiries being, — 'But how, John, should the horse 
 have hanged himself?' Quite out of patience with so 
 many frivolous questions, John at length exclaimed, — 
 ' It certainly is a strange thing, my Lord, that the puir 
 beast should hae hanged himsel : I'm sure he had nae- 
 thing to do wi' either the Revolution * or the Massacre 
 o' Glenco ! ' t 
 
 *The Revolution was, of course, an unfailing subject of rage 
 and ridicule among the Jacobites. We have heard, that, soon 
 after it happened, an adherent of the expatriated king, resident 
 at Edinburgh, expressed his opinion of its consequences, by con- 
 structing a house clock, in which the indices moved backwards, 
 and the dial-plate was put at the bottom instead of the top. This 
 he called a Revolution Clock, and it was visited and laughed at 
 by thousands of curious persons. It was sold within the memory 
 of an old friend of our informant, for a large sum, at an auction 
 of the ingenious mechanist's effects. The purchaser was a zeal- 
 ous Jacobite. 
 
 t John seems to have been not only a Jacobite, but one of that 
 old-fashioned description of servants, who had been so long in 
 their master's service, that they could take any liberty without 
 fear of dismissal. About sixty or seventy years ago, when the 
 relation of master and servant was of this sort, and not the mere 
 matter of quid pro quo which it now is, Mr Erskine of Dun, a 
 gentleman of Angus, had an ancient valet, named Gabriel, whose 
 petulance and licence of speech went so far as to be almost in- 
 tolerable. One day, as Dun was sitting at dinner, and conversing 
 
164 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 JONAH THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN. 
 
 There lived, about the beginning of the last centurj', 
 an Episcopalian clergyman of the name of Robert 
 Calder, who was considered an extraordinary wit, and 
 who, at least, must be allowed to have used very ex- 
 traordinary expressions. He published a jeii-a' esprit 
 under the form of a catechism, in which a person is 
 made to ask, ' Who was the first Presbyterian ? ' The 
 answer is, 'Jonah.* 'How do ye make Jonah out to 
 have been the first Presbyterian ? ' is again asked. 
 ' Why,' answers the other, ' because the Lord wanted 
 him 10 gang east, and he gaed wast ! ' 
 
 PRESBYTERIANS PROVED TO BE CHRISTIANS. 
 
 At another place, it is asked, 'Are the Presby- 
 terians Christians?' The answer is, 'Yes.' 'How 
 do you make them out to be Christians ? ' is again 
 asked. — Answer : ' Because they love their enemies.' 
 Question again : ' Who are the enemies they love ? ' 
 Answer : ' The Devil, the World, and the Flesh ! ' 
 
 SARCASM AT SIR GILBERT ELLIOT OF MINTO. 
 
 The same person, at a particular occurrence of 
 'Whitsurutide, during the reign of Queen Anne, was 
 preaching upon the subject so commonly handled at 
 
 with a mixed company of friends, Gabriel took the liberty of 
 calling something which he said, ' a great lee.' ' Well,' said the 
 laird, really offended, and rising from the table, 'this will do no 
 longer, Gabriel — we must part at last.' ' Hoot toot, laird,' said 
 Gabriel, pressing his master again into his chair, ' whare wad 
 your honour be better than in your ain house?' not conceiving 
 the possibility of his being the moving party 
 
Scott I'sh Anecdotes. i65„ 
 
 that time, the influence of the Holy Spirit. He had, 
 like many of his brethren and party, a strong ill-will 
 to Sir Gilbert Elliot of Minto, who, by political dex- 
 terity and great parsimony, had attained a large- 
 fortune, and who must certainly be allowed to have 
 merited very little friendship from the Jacobites. By 
 way of a wipe at the talents which Sir Gilbert dis- 
 };)layed for the acquisition of money, Calder introduced 
 this strange expression into his sermon, ' I'll tell ye 
 what, my friends, if the Holy Spirit had consisted in 
 gude goold doubloons, it wad ha' been a' clinking by^ 
 this time in Gibbie ElUot's pouch.' 
 
 CARNEGY OF BALNAMOON. 
 
 It was the custom of old Balnamoon, instead of 
 going to church, which he could not do with good 
 conscience, to read prayers every Sunday to his family 
 at home. One Sunday, a gentleman of his acquaint- 
 ance happened to call upon him, along with a friend, 
 who came from a lowland part of the country, and wha 
 was at once unacquainted with the manners of the 
 Braes of Angus, and with Balnamoon's character. As 
 it was early in the forenoon, Balnamoon invited the 
 two gentleman to stay and dine with him ; which in- 
 vitation being accepted, they, as a matter of course, 
 joined in the devotional exercises of the family. Bal- 
 namoon himself read out the whole regular service of 
 the Episcopal Church, in such a style as impressed 
 the stranger with a high sense of his piety; and, as 
 the two were afterwards taking a walk near the house 
 before dinner, the low-country gentleman could not 
 help expressing his sense of the impression which 
 
1 66 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 Balnamoon had made upon him to his friend, who, 
 anticipating a joke, did not attempt to undeceive him. 
 It was Balnamoon's custom, although he was gener- 
 ally temperate, never to permit a guest to escape from 
 table till he was thoroughly drunk. He was a land- 
 lord of the right old stamp, and in particular of that 
 stamp which prevailed to so remarkable a degree in the 
 Braes of Angus. If anybody could dine with him, and 
 afterwards muster legs to crawl to bed, it was a perfect 
 wonder. The general case was, that the whole had to 
 be transported to their bedrooms, on the backs of 
 servants, in a state of utter insensibility. And all this, 
 although Balnamoon was so devout as to read prayers 
 regularly every Sunday. The lowland gentleman 
 approaching his table with such a high sense of his 
 piety, it may be conceived how much he was surprised 
 next morning, when he recollected that he had fallen 
 asleep on his chair from utter intoxication, while Bal- 
 namoon and his friend were sitting in a condition 
 little short of his own ; that, in fact, the whole party 
 had spent the evening in a most riotous debauch. 
 His surprise was beyond bounds, and he began tc 
 entertain a very strange idea of the inconsistency of 
 character which his host had displayed ; acting the 
 part of a clergyman in the forenoon, and before night 
 playing that of a thorough Bacchanal. His friend 
 guessed what was passing in his mind ; and after they 
 had taken leave of their singular host in the forenoon, 
 he asked what was his opinion of the Laird of 
 Balnamoon. ' Why, really,' said the perplexed Low- 
 lander, ' sic a speat o' prayin', and sic a speat o' drink - 
 in', I never knew in the whole course of my life.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 167 
 
 It was Balnamoon's custom, when out drinking at a 
 friend's house, only to go home in case that he was 
 able to sit upon his horse. If, when brought out and 
 planted on horseback, he at once tumbled off, he re- 
 mained all night where he was ; but, if he still pre- 
 served sufficient strength to enable him to sit upright, 
 or even to hold by the mane, he trotted off. On such 
 occasions, he was always attended by a faithful old 
 man-servant, who rode behind him, and observed that 
 he did not drop himself by the way. One night, as 
 the loving pair were going home in this way, Bal- 
 namoon tumbled off into a bog, from which it required 
 unusual efforts on the part of John to extricate him. 
 When he was fished out, a new difficulty arose, — he 
 had lost his wig. John immediately began an elabor- 
 ate search through the neighbouring quagmires for 
 Balnamoon's wig ; and at last he was so fortunate as 
 to find it. He instantly clapped it at random upon 
 his master's head, and, as it afterwards appeared, with 
 the back part foremost. He was then proceeding to 
 mount his own horse, in order to pursue the way home, 
 when Balnamoon's voice was heard faintly to exclaim 
 through the dripping curls which hung round his face, 
 ' Oh John, man, this is surely no my wig; for it does 
 na fit me ava.' 'Deil care, Bonnymoon,' cried John ; 
 • ye maun just be content wi' what ye've got. There's 
 nae wale 6" wigs here ; ' an expression which has since 
 become proverbial in the country. 
 
 A QUEEN IN THE TOLBOOTH. 
 
 It may be seen from the popular song entitled, ' The 
 wee. wee German Lairdie,' with how much contempt 
 
1 68 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 the Jacobites beheld the first prince of the Brunswick 
 dynasty. Unfortunately, his majesty's domestic cir- 
 cumstances supplied them with an incident which gave 
 ample scope to their satire. This was the alleged in- 
 fidelity of his consort, who, on account of a supposed 
 intrigue with a German count, was said, at the period 
 of King George's accession, to be suffering imprison- 
 ment in one of his foreign castles. The frequent al- 
 lusions to this affair in their songs, go far to induce a 
 supposition that they almost revenged, by its means, 
 the absurd, but annoying, state fiction which asserted 
 their own King to be a supposititious child. They have 
 been heard to relate, with peculiar satisfaction, a re- 
 mark which an Aberdeen magistrate is said to have 
 made upon King's George's consort. At the first oc- 
 currence of the King's birth-day, after his accession, 
 the public functionaries of this ancient city being 
 assembled to drink his health, one of them, who, it 
 appeared, was ignorant of the domestic history of the 
 royal family, rose up and asked, in his peculiar dialect, 
 ' Phat was to hinder them to drink the Queen's health 
 tee ?' ' Hoot, awa, man,' replied the Provost, pulling 
 him back into his seat, ' she' s ?' the Towbeeth I ' 
 
 CONTEMPT OF HANOVER. 
 
 The smallness and unimportance of George the 
 First's paternal dominions, as compared with the great 
 empire to which he acceded, was an unfailing subject 
 of ridicule with the j acobites. They actually appear 
 to have considered Hanover as little better than what 
 their songs metaphorically represent it to have been, 
 —a mere farm, or lairdship. The late Mr Moir oi 
 
Scottish Aiiicdotes, 169- 
 
 Leckie, in Stirlingshire, an enthusiastic Jacobite, and 
 who had succeeded to that estate by marriage, used to 
 take a most ingenious way of expressing his contempt 
 for the Electorate. In showing his grounds to people 
 of his own way of thinking, he used to point out from 
 a prominent situation a little farm at the distance of 
 several miles, which had formed his patrimony, and 
 from which he had removed on his marriage with the 
 heiress of Leckie. ' Now, gentleman,' he would say, 
 'these lands which you have just seen form my chief 
 dominions. Yon wee bit over bye, that ye can scarcely 
 see — it's sae little — yon is my Hanover.' 
 
 This contempt of Hanover amounted, in some in- 
 dividuals, to a perfect loathing or horror for the very 
 word : and some amusing anecdotes are told of their 
 irritability on this particular. In the house of a Jacob- 
 ite family in Fife, the conversation turned one night 
 on a strange deformed dwarf which was then exhibited 
 at Edinburgh, and which was said to have come from 
 Germany. ' Whaur did ye say it comes frae ? ' cried 
 a deaf old gentlewoman of peculiarly acrimonious feel- 
 ings, who had heard the conversation but imperfectly^ 
 but whose ears were startled at a word which sug- 
 gested so many disagreeable associations. The word 
 was repeated to her by some person present ', on which 
 her face darkened into a frown of horror and disgust, 
 and she turned away, exclaiming, ' Germany ! I daur 
 say that's the native kintra o' a kinds o' monsters.' 
 
 The late Mr Gladstanes of Whitelaw, who died 3 
 number of years ago at Hawick, in Roxburghshire^ 
 
lyo Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 appears to have been impressed to an uncommon de- 
 gree witti this antipathy to Hanover. He had been 
 an officer in the army of Prince Charles, and was, both 
 by birth and manners, a gentleman. The sourness of 
 disappointed political feeling being added in his latter 
 years to the pain arising from rheumatism and ague, 
 with which he was simultaneously afflicted, there never 
 was perhaps a better specimen of the testy old Jacob- 
 ite. He could never, during his whole life, hear any 
 one pronounce the words, *' King George,' without ex- 
 pressing the keenest indignation. Even when worn 
 to the bone by disease, and obliged to go upon crutches, 
 he still maintained a system of uncompromising hostility 
 against the reigning monarch and all his adherents. 
 He even contrived to make his ailments in some meas- 
 ure an excuse for expressing his sentiments upon that 
 subject. The east wind acquired all that peculiar 
 virulence, which enabled it to distress him so severely, 
 by blowing over Hanover. When asked how he did, 
 he would answer, with an air of bitter agony, ' Oh, 
 very well, would these damned Hanoverian winds but 
 let me alone ! ' or else, ' Why, sir, but poorly ; these 
 cruel east winds have confined me to bed for a fort- 
 night: can any good thing come out of Nazareth ?' At 
 another time, his answer would be, ' Oh, sir, I have 
 been in bed for upwards of a month; that ominous 
 weathercock has been pointing to Hanover all that 
 time, and my rheumatism has been pointing to the 
 churchyard: they will finish me between them, I be- 
 lieve, before Christmas.' 
 
 THE JACOBITE POET, MESTON. 
 
 Soon after the accession of King George the First, 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. i 7 i 
 
 Meston, an Aberdeeiishire poet, whose works are by 
 no means destitute of talent, and who was a man of 
 such learning that he would have been appointed to a 
 chair in the Marischal College, but for the attainder of 
 his pupil and patron, the Earl of Marischal, was in- 
 duced to take up his residence in the manse of a 
 clergyman of the Established Church, who had been 
 his school- fellow, and who pitied the condition to which 
 a change of times had reduced him. The only stipu- 
 lation which poor Meston made, previously to accept- 
 ing his friend's kindness, was, that the name of the 
 reigning sovereign should never be mentioned in his 
 presence, more especially in the family prayers, which 
 his host gave every night before retiring to rest. For 
 about a fortnight this treaty was scrupulously observed, 
 but, at last, the clergyman one night forgot it, and 
 prayed with his customary fervour for the proscribed 
 king. Meston took no notice at the time ; but next 
 morning was found by his host in the act of packing 
 up his clothes, and about to leave the house. ' What, 
 what's the matter ? ' hastily inquired the minister. 
 Meston reminded him that he had broke faith, and de- 
 clared his intention of instantly quitting a house where 
 his ears had been so shamefully insulted. The min- 
 ister used all his eloquence to procure the testy poet's 
 forgiveness ; and at last, with great difficulty, and 
 many promises of circumspection for the future, pre- 
 vailed upon him to relax at once his knapsack and his 
 anger, and consent to remain where he was. When 
 the altercation was concluded, the poet turned upon 
 his friend, with a smiling countenance, and character- 
 istically remarked, ' Really, after a', Sandy, the prayer 
 
172 Scottish. Anecdotes. 
 
 was but a little matter to me ; for, to tell ye the plain 
 truth, a' the time ye was invoking blessings, I was pray- 
 ing " Deil swarbit on him ! " ' Deil swarbit is a bit- 
 ter execration, peculiar to Buchan, Meston's native 
 district. 
 
 CUMBERLAND, THE BUTCHER. 
 
 At a meeting of the Fife Justices of the Peace at 
 Colinsburgh, soon after the Forty-five, a Whig gentle- 
 man gave the Duke of Cumberland as a toast. A 
 Jacobite gentleman present, David Beatoun, of Kilcon- 
 quhar, being asked to give a toast, proposed one Sib- 
 bald, a butcher in Colinsburgh. This gave great offence 
 to many of the company, but especially to the Whig, 
 who absolutely refused the toast, saying he would rather 
 do anything than drink the health of a low tradesman. 
 ' Sir,' said Kilconquhar, sternly, ' I've drunk your 
 butcher ; you'll either drink mine, or consent to be put 
 over the window.' 
 
 HAMILTON OF KILBRACKMONT. 
 
 Robert Hamilton of Kilbrackmont, in Fife, who 
 died about thirty years ago, was another of these ' good 
 haters.' He was one day paying a visit to Thirdpart 
 House, in the east of Fife, where the Honourable 
 Misses Murray, daughters of Viscount Stormont, and 
 sisters of the Earl of Mansfield, resided, — ladies who 
 had originally been enthusiastic Jacobites (insomuch 
 that one of them made down Prince Charles's bed, in 
 her father's house at Perth, with her own hands), but 
 who now considered it necessary to treat with respect 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 173 
 
 th.» sovereign under whom their brother bore so dis- 
 tinguished an office. The room was hung with pic- 
 tures of the royal family, which had been sent to them 
 by their illustrious kinsman; and Miss Nicky could 
 not help pointing out these conspicuous ornaments to 
 Mr Hamilton. Some conversation ensued regarding 
 them, during which she frequently termed the originals 
 *the people above.' Kilbrackmont, at length tired 
 beyond all patience by the nature of the conversation, 
 and, in particular, by hearing that adulatory phrase so 
 often repeated, burst out with, 'People above. Miss 
 Nicky ! What the deil wad I care though they were 
 a' up the lum ? ' and flung out of the room in an agony 
 of Jacobite passion. 
 
 Old Kilbrackmont is said to have been a complete 
 specimen of the ancient Jacobite humorist. He had 
 been out at the Forty-five, and, by a long course of 
 ■hard living, the result, probably, of disappointed hopes, 
 personal and political, becaine latterly very poor. 
 Such, however, was the natural buoyancy of his spirits, 
 that in no circumstances did he ever lose the power of 
 ■creating or enjoying a joke. He was one night lying 
 in his old, solitary, half-desolate mansion-house, when 
 a band of youthful depredators entered by the window 
 and began to rummage for spoil through a dilapidated 
 chest of drawers which stood in his bedroom. The 
 good old man, not in the least degree alarmed about 
 his property, leaned quietly over the bed, and ad- 
 dressed the robbers in these words : — ' Haud ye busy, 
 lads ! Haud ye busy ! An ye find onything there i' 
 the dark, it's mair than I can do in daylicht.' 
 
174 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 Towards the end of his life, he had so completely 
 exhausted all his resources, that he was at last obliged 
 to fell a few trees which surrounded his house, in order 
 to procure the means of what he called ' day and way ; ' 
 that is, daily subsistence. Before the sale commenced, 
 some friends who had assembled to make purchases, 
 advised that he should ' bring out a few bottles of 
 brandy, to encourage the multitude to bid briskly.' 
 ' Lord have a care o' your daft heads ! ' was the unfor- 
 tunate Kilbrackmont's affecting reply ; ' if I had twa 
 or three bottles o' brandy, d'ye think I wad sell my 
 trees ? ' 
 
 PRINCE CHARLES. 
 
 It has been often asserted, that Prince Charles was 
 by no means the romantic being, the great soldier, or 
 the exalted character, which the nature of his adven- 
 tures, and the partiality of his political partisans have 
 led the world to suppose. The following anecdote, 
 derived from a grandson of the chieftain mentioned in 
 it, rather tends to confirm the assertion than other- 
 wi«?e : — 
 
 Immediately after the Prince had fixed his head- 
 quarters at Holyrood House, and before he had yet 
 fought the battle of Prestonpans, Grant of Glenmor- 
 riston, proprietor of a considerable estate in the High- 
 lands, and head of a sept of the Grants, arrived in great 
 haste at Edinburgh, with an hundred and thirty re- 
 tainers, who, like himself, were determined to live or 
 die with their prince. With the characteristic ardour 
 of his countrymen, this brave man had made all the 
 haste he could in marching towards the insurgent camp, 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 175 
 
 anxious, it might be, to partake in the blows which 
 were expected soon to fall betwixt the Highlanders 
 and Cope's army. He had that morning made a long 
 march through Fife, crossed the Firth of Forth at 
 Kinghorn, and immediately hasted up from Leith to 
 Holyrood House, to present his sword, his troth, and 
 his little band of clansmen to the prince of his heart. 
 Perhaps his personal appearance, after such a march, 
 was not exactly such as might have suited the air of a 
 legitimate and gazettable court; but, in that of Prince 
 Charles Stuart, an adventurer, who might as yet be 
 supposed anxious rather to see men than clothes, he 
 never imagined that any objection would be made to 
 him on that account. Without waiting a moment in 
 the court-yard, except to draw up his men in rank, he 
 rushed upstairs, hastily commanded his name to be 
 announced, and at once entered the presence-chamber. 
 Charles went up to embrace him,- but, on seeing his 
 travel-worn appearance, started back, and contented 
 himself with suggesting that Glenmorriston should re- 
 tire and trim his beard. The pride of the Highlander 
 was at once roused by this unfortunate expression, 
 which, to say the least of it, was unworthy the leader 
 of such an army, though, perhaps, excusable as only 
 the unpremeditated remark of a very young man. He 
 turned about, as he left the room, and surveying the 
 prince's youthful and handsome face with an air of 
 mingled scorn and vexation, exclaimed, ' Beard ! Let 
 me tell your Royal Highness, it is not beardless boys- 
 who are to do your business.' 
 
 EQUIVOCAL CLEMENCY. 
 
 Perhaps one of the best sarcasms ever uttered by 
 
I'jt Scottish Ajiecdotes.^ 
 
 any Jacobite against the family which had pushed the 
 Stuarts from their stools, was said to have been pro- 
 nounced by the old Laird of Mackinnon, in the presence 
 of majesty itself. This venerable person, for his 
 concern in the escape of Prince Charles from Skye, 
 was confined for a long time subsequent to the year 
 1746, in a messenger's house at London, along with 
 Flora Macdonald, and other persons of equivocal 
 criminality. There is a legend among the relics of the 
 ]acobite party, that the King, when about to order the 
 liberation of these individuals, condescended to see 
 them in person, conversed with them for some time, 
 and finally gave the order from his own mouth which 
 restored them to freedom. According to this tradition, 
 his Majesty took the prisoners seriously, but good- 
 humouredly to ta-'k, regarding their preposterous 
 attachment to ' the Pretender; ' and, after pointing 
 out to them the injury which they had done to their 
 country and to himself, he put this case to old 
 Mackinnon : ' Supposing that you were King Geoige 
 and I the Laird of Mackinnon, and that, after having 
 acted in a way so contrary to your interests, I had 
 fallen into your power, as you have now fallen into 
 mine, what would you, as King George, have done to 
 me, as Mackinnon ? ' * Indeed, sir,' said the old Isles- 
 man, with admirable readiness, ' I would just have 
 done as I now wish you to do by me, — I would have 
 sent you back to your own country again. ' 
 
 A JACOBITE EPIGRAM. 
 
 It was formerly a custom of the magistrates of Edin- 
 burgh, on the king's birth-day, to erect a stage, or 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 177 
 
 theatre, as it was called, at the Cross, upon which they 
 assembled, and, in solemn style, drank his majesty's 
 health. During the performance of this ceremony, in 
 the year 1748, it happened that there came on a dread- 
 ful thunder-storm, which compelled the company to 
 make a hasty retreat into one of the neighbouring 
 houses, where they remained till the air again became 
 clear. On their returning to complete the interrupted 
 solemnity, it was found trjat the rain, in their absence, 
 had dabbled all the wine out of their glasses, leavuig 
 only water behind. Upon this incident, a Jacobite 
 wrote an epigram, the first stanza of which recounted 
 the miracle of the water converted into wine at the 
 marriage of Cana, and the second proceeded thus : — 
 
 ' But when, to drink great Brunswick's health, 
 Our tribunes mounted le theatre, 
 
 Heaven would not countenance their mirth. 
 But turned their claret into water.' 
 
 LORD NAIRN. 
 
 Lord Nairn took refuge, after the Forty-five, in some 
 small French town where there was no other Scots- 
 man but himself. Having been all his life accustomed 
 to the deep drinking of his native country, and now 
 requiring more than ever perhaps to amuse himself 
 by that means, he took very ill with the sobriety of 
 the French, none of whom he could ever prevail upon 
 to sit a single moment after dinner. At last, it fortun- 
 ately happened that a few more of his unhappy 
 countrymen came to reside at the same place, and 
 supplied him with company to his mind. The first 
 day they dined together his lordship felt quite in 
 
178 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 ecstasy, and, on handing the bottle down the table to 
 his friends, said, ' I canna express to ye, gentlemen, 
 the satisfaction I feel in ance mair getting some men 
 o' sense aboot me, after being plagued for a twelve- 
 month wi' a set o' fools, nae better than brute beasts, 
 that winna drink mair than what serves them.' 
 
 POLITICAL PRUDENCE. 
 
 About the commencement of the rebellion of 1745, 
 a man being asked by his friend what side he in- 
 tended to espouse in the troubles that were about to 
 ensue, answered, ' Faith I shall take the side that the 
 gallows is to be on. ' 
 
 LIBERALITY. 
 
 An Episcopalian lady at Alloa had a Presbyterian 
 husband, on whose death she applied to her own 
 clergyman to have the burial service read over him, 
 He refused to do so ; which being reported to old 
 Skinner the poet, he remarked, — ' Hoot, sic a stiff ass ! 
 If it had been me, I wad hae said, " Aye the mae the 
 merrier.'" 
 
 A similar anecdote is told of a Jacobite gentleman, 
 of the name of Cochrane, who, being applied to for 
 permission to take a stone from his quarry, near 
 Falkirk, to serve as a headstone for Sir Robert Monro 
 of Foulis, answered, — ' Od, Fll gie ye heidstanes for 
 them a', an ye like ; ' meaning all Sir Robert's party. 
 
 TASTE IN PICKLES. 
 
 Lord Sinclair (the elder brother of General Sinclair, 
 who, while abroad as an ambassador, employed David 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 179 
 
 Hume as his secretary) had been out in the Fifteen, 
 but was afterwards restored to his estates, though not 
 without finding his fortune greatly embarrassed. In 
 order to pay off his debts, he lived in a very economical 
 style at Dysart, in Fife, where the family residence of 
 the Sinclairs is yet to be seen. He also carried on a 
 large manufactory of salt at Dysart. One day a 
 neighbouring gentleman, a great gourmand, came to 
 be entertained at his meagre and economical table. 
 During dinner, this person entered into a long dis- 
 quisition about pickles, in which he was a great 
 connoisseur, while Lord Sinclair neither knew nor 
 cared anything about them. Tired at last with the 
 'damnable iteration' of pickles, pickles, pickles, his 
 lordship testily exclaimed, ' I'll tell ye what, Pitillock, 
 I ken o' nae pickles like 2^ pickle saiit.' 
 
 PETER LOGIE. 
 
 Old Bonnymoon, as Mr Carnegy of Balnamoon was 
 always called, used to tell a tale of a Peter Logie, a 
 little man with a club-foot, who exercised so much 
 agility in flying from Culloden, that he got home to 
 the lowlands ot Angus thirty-six hours before Bonny- 
 moon himself, with all his legs. He was afterwards 
 taken up, and questioned about his share in the 
 Rebellion. 'Were you at Gladsmuir, sir?' 'Yes.' 
 'Were you at Falkirk?' 'Yes.' 'Were you at 
 Culloden ? ' ' Yes.' ' And pray what station did you 
 hold all that time in the rebel army ? ' 'I was his 
 Royal Highness's dancing-master,' was the contemp- 
 tuous reply. He was not executed, but survived to 
 keep an inn upon one of the great north roads. A 
 
i8o Scottish Anecdotes., 
 
 Lady Grant happening to visit his house, was so much 
 struck with his appearance, that her next child was 
 born with a club-foot. But it had also a strange nose, 
 or rather want of nose, which seemed to be derived 
 from the father. That gentleman, next time he visited 
 the house, took the liberty of upbraiding Peter with 
 having given the child its awkward foot. ' Od, ye 
 canna say I gae't its nose though,' said the unrespec- 
 tive Peter. 
 
 CLERICAL BAGPIPER. 
 
 The Episcopalian clergyman of Stonehaven, at the 
 time of the Forty-five, an old man of the name of 
 Troup, was so enthusiastic a Jacobite, that when a party 
 of the name of Bannerman came marching through the 
 town to join the Chevalier, he, though it was a Sunday 
 morning, took a pair of bagpipes, and escorted them 
 for some distance, playing ' Over the water to Charlie.' 
 For this act of rebellion, he was deprived by Govern- 
 ment, and obliged to perform all the functions of his 
 sacred office in the strictest secrecy. It is a fact re- 
 membered by tradition, that when he had to baptise a 
 child, it was always smuggled into his house in a fish- 
 wife's creel. In his old age he became exceedingly 
 peevish, and could scarcely be prevailed upon to exer 
 cise any of his functions even for his best friends. ' Gae 
 'wa wi' ye ! ' he said to a christening procession which 
 one day came to him, ' I wadna be at the fash, though 
 ye were to ca' the bairn Charlie.' 
 
 HYPOCRITICAL HYPOCRISY. 
 
 Old Grant of Rothiemurchus was a devout Jacobite, 
 though prudence would never permit him to declare 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. i8i 
 
 his principles openly. When Marshal Wade first came 
 to put the Highlands into order, he thought he could 
 not please one, who appeared so good a Whig, better 
 than by honouring him pretty frequently with his com- 
 pany, even to the length of staying weeks in his house 
 at a time. Rothie could not bear this, both hating the 
 Hanoverian general, and grudging the expense which 
 he occasioned. He at last resolved to get quit of the 
 annoyance; and this was the plan he took: One day, 
 when honoured with the General's company at dinner, 
 he rose, after all had retired but themselves, and lock- 
 ing the dining-room door, with an appearance of great 
 caution, came back to the table, and said, — ' General, 
 it's needless for you and me to play fause to ane another 
 ony langer. We baith ken very weel what ane anither 
 is in reality, whatever he may see fit to pretend. Sae, 
 I propose that we now drink the health of King James 
 the Eighth on our bended knees ! ' The General was 
 not long in leaving the house, and he never more 
 troubled Rothie with his company. 
 
 A CLERGYMAN CORRECTED. 
 
 A gentleman connected with the custom-house at 
 Anstruther, whose name was David Rae, joined Prince 
 Charles in the year 1745, was taken prisoner, tried, 
 condemned, and hanged at Carlisle. The Rev. Mr 
 Nairn, minister of the parish, very humanely called on 
 the widow, and, for the pious purposes of consolation, 
 stated, that the hand of God was evident in the dis- 
 pensation. ' Na, na,' said the honest woman, ' there 
 was nae hand in it but the deil's and the Duke o' Cum- 
 berland's.' 
 
1 82 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 JACOBITE TOASTS. 
 
 An acquaintance of the editor remembers three old 
 aunts of a violently Jacobite complexion, who met on 
 the loth of June every year, to celebrate the birth-day 
 of the old Pretender. He was present at their orgies 
 one year, and, after dinner, heard the mistress of the 
 house give this toast: — 
 
 ' Here's the king, oor nain king ! ' 
 The second old lady gave, — 
 
 ' Here's to him that has the right. 
 
 And yet received the wrang. 
 
 Has five shillings in his pouch, 
 
 And yet he wants a crown.' 
 
 Lastly, the third, who was more enthusiastic in 
 
 Jacobitism than the rest, gave the following : — 
 
 ' Here's to him that's oot. 
 
 And no to him that pits him oot; 
 
 And deil turn a' their insides oot, 
 
 That disna drink this toast aboot.' 
 
 INGENIOUS EVASION. 
 
 The Jacobite lairds of Fife were once, on the occa- 
 sion of an election, induced to sign the oath of abjura- 
 tion in great numbers, in order to vote for a friend of 
 their party. It was much against their conscience; 
 but the case was such as to make them wink pretty 
 hard. During the carousal which followed, Mr Bal- 
 four of Forrat, a Jacobite of the old stamp, began, to 
 their great surprise, to inveigh against them as a set of 
 perjured rascals, not remembering, apparently, that he 
 had signed as well as the rest. They burst out with 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. i Zt, 
 
 one universal question : * How can you speak this way, 
 Forrat, since you are just as guilty as ony o' us ? ' * That 
 am I no,' said Forrat, with a triumphant air of innocence 
 and waggery; ' look ye the list of oor names, and ye'll 
 see the word witness at the end of mine. I just signed 
 as witness to your perjury ! ' 
 
 RUNNING NOTES ON GILBERT BURNET. 
 
 An old Jacobite gentleman of Aberdeenshire was 
 one day reading Burnet's Memoirs of his own Times, 
 which he had just got into his hands for the first time. 
 Vhis was more than a century ago, and soon after the 
 book had come out. He had not read much when he 
 found matter to displease him, and at one passage he 
 pointed his finger emphatically down upon the book, 
 and, with an expressive bend of the person, exclaimed, 
 '■ That's a lee, Gibbie ! ' On he read, and presently 
 coming to another passage of the same kind, burst out 
 with, ' Ah, Gibbie, there's another ! ' On he still 
 read, till coming to one much worse than the two 
 former, he cried, with still higher emphasis, 'Weel, 
 Gibbie, there's the warst o' a' ! ' By - and - by he 
 alighted upon a passage of a nature infinitely more 
 heinous than any of the rest, when, altogether losing 
 patience, he cried out, ' Now, Gibbie, ye ken ye're 
 leein' there; I'll read nae mair o' ye; ' and he shut the 
 book. 
 
 STEALING CANNON. 
 
 Soon after the battle of Falkirk, some Jacobite 
 gentlemen, among whom Hamilton of Bangour was 
 one, happened to be reading the official, or gazette 
 
184 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 account of that conflict; which contains two strangely 
 contradictory statements : First, that the royal army 
 kept possession of the field; and, secondly, that they 
 lost all their cannon. ' How the deil could that be ? ' 
 said one gentleman to Mr Hamilton: 'Can ye divine, 
 Bangour, how they baith cam to stay on the field and 
 lose their cannon?' 'Deed,' answered the poet, 'it 
 is a puzzling question; but I suppose the Hielandmen 
 had stown ihem.' 
 
 A JACOBITE PHYSICIAN. 
 
 Hugo Arnot, himself a Jacobite, used to say of a 
 certain Jacobite physician, who flourished in Edin- 
 burgh half a century ago, that he had slain more of 
 his own party in a professional way, than the sword 
 and gallows united. 
 
 FATE ASSIGNED BY THE JACOBITES TO 
 GILBERT BURNET. 
 
 Charles Wightman, who had originally been gentle- 
 man to the Earl of Kelly, and who was, as a matter 
 of course, an intense Jacobite, spent the latter and 
 leisure years of his life at Anstruther, in Fife. To 
 show how completely the children of such persons be- 
 come impregnated with the same spirit, it is told that 
 the minister of Anstruther, one day calling upon the 
 family when one of the children was unwell, the first 
 words he heard on entering the room were, ' Gibbie 
 Burnet's hinging in hell by the ee-brees,' which the 
 boy was rhyming over in his bed, by way of amusing 
 himself. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 185 
 
 DR PITCAIRNE. 
 
 On one occasion the infant child of Sir George Mac- 
 kenzie of Rosehaugh, being seized with a dangerous 
 disorder, was attended by a Dr Eccles, who was at 
 that early period considered the best physician in 
 Edinburgh. As, however, the disease did not appear to 
 be giving way under his applications, it was proposed 
 to call in additional advice, and Dr Pitcairne, then a 
 young and comparatively unknown practitioner, was 
 mentioned, Dr Eccles hinted his fear that Dr Pit- 
 cairne could not be prevailed on to join him in a con- 
 sultation, as there was a strong ill will betwixt them. 
 It was nevertheless resolved to apply to Dr Pitcairne, 
 and a person was sent to state the case, and inquire if 
 he would visit the patient under the circumstances 
 mentioned. Pitcairne sent back for answer, as he pre- 
 pared to set forward in person, that he would come 
 to consult upon the case of a child of Sir George Mac- 
 kenzie, ' although it was with the muckle horned deil 
 himsel ! ' 
 
 ERSKINE OF CAMBO. 
 
 A younger brother of the family of Erskine of Cam- 
 bo (and uncle of the late Earl of Kelly), who had 
 been out in the Forty-five, survived till times not very 
 remote, a complete specimen of the testy old Jacobite. 
 Two young friends of his, having accepted of com- 
 missions as ensigns in the service of the reigning family, 
 and being on a leave-taking visit at the house where 
 he resided, were put to bed, after a night's hard drink- 
 ing, in a chamber adjacent to that in which he was to 
 sleep. During the night he happened to awake, and- 
 
1 86 Scottish Anecdotes.. 
 
 seized with a strange Jacobite whimsy, rose and 
 staggered into the room of the two young officers. 
 He there seized a vessel, the contents of which he 
 poured fully over their heads, as they lay in one bed. 
 When asked next morning how he came to think of 
 such a strange act, he said, ' Od, lads, I just thought 
 I wad seal your commissions to ye.' 
 
 The same old gentleman, once nearing that a son of 
 his had accepted from Government the office of Super- 
 intendent of the Hulks, caustically observed, that it 
 the lad had but told him he wanted a place, he thought 
 he might have had interest to get him made hangman 
 of Perth. 
 
 A GENERAL TOAST. 
 
 About the time of the Forty-five, and for many years 
 after it, the spirit of Jacobitism was so general through- 
 out the country — or rather, perhaps, Whiggery was so 
 merely confined to the official classes — that, in almost 
 all public places, the former reigned triumphant. The 
 Jacobites everywhere had their own way ; everywhere 
 too»v ihe shine, as the saying is, off the Whigs. This 
 was once particularly remarkable at an open dinner 
 party, at a watering-place in the south country, where 
 a single Jacobite lady, a Lady Hamilton, by her wit 
 and her lively spirit, fairly assumed the lead in the 
 conversation. After she had drank a great number of 
 Jacobite toasts and sentiments, everyone of them more 
 satirical upon the opposite party than another, and 
 when she had almost exhausted the spirits of the com- 
 pany by downright laughter, a gentleman, feeling quite 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 187 
 
 fatigued with this ' sameness of splendour,' interfered 
 with a request, that, now she had drank so many party 
 toasts, she would at length favour them with a general 
 one. ' A general one ? ' cried she, with great readi- 
 ness; ' sae be't — here's General Keith. ' General Keith 
 was a younger brother of the Earl Marischal; had been 
 out in the Fifteen; and, though now in the Prussian 
 service, was understood to be still a great friend of the 
 British Jacobite party. The remonstrator gave her up 
 as incorrigible. 
 
 GUARDS RELIEVED. 
 
 A gentleman, going round the walls of Edinburgh, 
 the day after its capture by Prince Charlie, saw a 
 Highlander sitting astride upon a cannon at one of the 
 gates; and, anxious to hear what the man thought of 
 the affair, remarked to him, that these certainly were 
 not the troops he had seen here yesterday. ' No,' quoth 
 the Gael, ' she'll be relieved.' 
 
 HOW TO MAKE A GOOD CHRISTIAN. 
 
 Mr Menzies of Woodend, in Fife, was condemned 
 for his share in the 1745, but afterwards reprieved. 
 The reprieve was committed to the charge of Lord 
 Townshend, who put it into his pocket, and soon after 
 forgot it. Fortunately, he was reminded of the im- 
 portant deposit, by putting his hand accidentally into 
 his pocket, on the night before the execution was to 
 have taken place. He immediately despatched his 
 secretary with it, with orders to communicate it to the 
 prisoner in as gentle a manner as possible. Woodend 
 was so elated with the news, that he made the secre- 
 
1 88 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 tary stay and drink with him; and, as he was about to 
 take his leave, bade him tell his master, that ' he lived 
 in hope of seeing the time when he should make Lord 
 Townshend as good a Christian as Lord Townshend 
 had now made him.' 
 
 JACOBITISM WITH A VENGEANCE. 
 
 Such was the enthusiastic Jacobitism of Murray of 
 Polmaise, that, in allusion to the marked resemblance 
 which his second son (afterwards Polmaise himself) 
 bore to the Chevalier, he said, if he could believe any- 
 thing disrespectful to his wife, he would disinherit his 
 eldest son, and give the estate to the other. 
 
 THE KING AGAIN. 
 
 Oliphant of Gask, a Jacobite gentleman of Perthshire, 
 had two toasts, which he never, upon any account 
 whatever, failed to drink at dinner. One was ' The 
 King ; ' the other ' The Restoration.' Upon one occa- 
 sion, having invited to his house an officer of high rank 
 in the King's service, quartered in Perth, he felt dread- 
 fully perplexed as to the toasts, one of which was quite 
 impracticable, but which, nevertheless, he could not be 
 induced, by any consideration, to suppress. When the 
 time arrived, however, he hit upon an ingenious ex- 
 pedient, by which his principles and politeness were 
 nicely compromised. After giving ' The King,' — in 
 which there was no difficulty, because, while his guest 
 understood the king de facto, he meant the king de 
 jure, — he said to the officer, ' Weel, sir, The King 
 AGAIN; ye can hae nae objection to that.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 189 
 
 THE UNDERTAKER OF THE DECAPITATED 
 REBEL LORDS. 
 
 Sir Michael Malcolm of Lochore, in Fife, a person- 
 age well remembered in popular tradition and song, 
 was undertaker to the unfortunate Lords Kilmarnock 
 and Balmarino. Being a younger son, he had origin- 
 ally been bred to the trade of a joiner, according to a 
 practice in Scotland, during the age which succeeded 
 the Union, when it was thought proper, by many 
 country gentlemen, to bring up their younger children 
 to different trades and arts, for the encouragement ot 
 these sources of wealth in the country. Being a Jacob- 
 ite, he was employed by the condemned noblemen to 
 purvey their coffins, and conduct their funerals. When 
 standing on the scaffold in that capacity, his fine tail 
 figure and interesting appearance attracted the regard 
 of a young lady, niece to Earl Bathurst, who sat at a 
 neighbouring window to behold the execution. This 
 person afterwards became his wife, and he eventually 
 succeeded to the family title, by the death of his elder 
 brother. 
 
 Though Sir Michael was a handsome man, he was 
 by no means distinguished for abilities, or learning. 
 He was even ignorant of what almost all Scotchmen 
 know a little of — the Latin language. Once, when 
 sitting on the bench, as a Justice of Peace, at Kirk- 
 caldy, a witty shoemaker was tried for some trifling 
 offence, — poaching, perhaps, — and sentenced to a fort- 
 night's confinement in the Tolbooth. The mittimus 
 being summed up by the clerk with some Latin words, 
 the fellow, who knew Sir Michael's ignorance of that 
 tongue pleaded that, as he did not understand the 
 
iQo Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 language in which he had been condemned, he thought 
 it but fair it should be Englished, and he point blank 
 asked Sir Michael to do so. ' Give this fellow other 
 two months of the Tolbooth,' cried the conscience- 
 struck justice, ' for contempt of court.' 
 
 CAUSE AND EFFECT. 
 
 It happened that George III. took his unfortunate 
 illness in 1789, very soon after the Nonjuring clergy 
 began to pray for him. 'Ye see what ye've done,' 
 said an old stickler one day to his clergyman; 'the 
 honest man has never been a day to do weel sin' ever 
 ye took him by the han'.' 
 
 SUPERIORITY OF THE SCOTTISH PEASANTRY. 
 
 Two English gentlemen, about sixty years ago, hap- 
 pened to have a dispute respecting the character of the 
 Scottish peasantry ; one party maintaining the superi- 
 ority of the natives of Scotland, as compared with those 
 of England, in point of intellect and information, while 
 the other espoused the contrary opinion, — contending 
 that, amongst the lowest classes of bumpkins in any 
 country, the degree of knowledge must be nearly on a 
 par. A wager was the result ; and, governed perhaps 
 by a whim of visiting Scotland — a portion of the em- 
 pire at that period very little known or thought of— 
 more than by any other consideration, our two gentle- 
 men, who, it seems, were men of considerable opulence, 
 were not long in reaching Edinburgh ; and thereafter, 
 as a matter of course, found their way to Clirehugh's 
 
Scottish AnecaroiTds. 191 
 
 Tavern, in Writer's Court, as the most respectable 
 house of entertainment which at that time graced the 
 Scottish metropolis, although, in the present day, a 
 house of such a bearing would be most decidedly and 
 emphatically sneered at, by anyone having the slightest 
 pretensions to haut ton. Our travellers, after having 
 visited the few lions then worth seeing in the northern 
 capital, bethought themselves of the main object of 
 their trip; and, no better means of coming to their 
 point occurring, they resolved to impart the secret to 
 their host, who, withal, appeared a shrewd, sensible 
 fellow, and likely to aid them in the matter in hand. 
 
 Clirehugh instantly comprehended the affair; and,, 
 after a pause, recollected, as it were accidentally, that 
 Coal John, a Gilmerton carter, who served the house 
 in the way of his calling, and whom he did not fail tO' 
 describe as the most rustic clown extant within ten 
 miles of the city, would be there, with a cartful of his 
 commodity, early in the course of the morrow. It 
 was therefore settled, that, as the said John was just 
 the kind of man the gentlemen were in quest of, he 
 should, by some means or other, be introduced to them 
 on his arrival. In the meantime, Clirehugh, who had 
 begun to get a good deal interested in the result "of 
 the wager, as a matter involving a point of national 
 honour, had come to the resolution not to trust its 
 issue to the ' real Simon Pure,' but to one who should 
 personate John, and who could be more relied on. 
 
 The individual pitched upon by Mr Clirehugh was 
 one admirably adapted to sustain the character, — a 
 true type of the genus Driver, — a character at that 
 tim.c by no means uncommon in Edinburgh ; a shabby 
 
192 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 subaltern of the law; one of those queer, reckless, 
 drink-and-drown-care sort of fellows, whom a periodi- 
 cal acquaintance with toddy and oysters, when these 
 could be got, and at least a diurnal acquaintance with 
 the gill-stoup and small ale, in less propitious seasons, 
 — with the help, at all times, of a select junto of 
 drouthy brother cronies, — reconciled to the business 
 of the day, without imparting much disquietude as to 
 the cares of the morrow. Such was the individual 
 who undertook the part of John the coalman; a wight 
 of 'shrewd parts and pregnant humour.' At the ap- 
 pointed time, therefore, our hero betook himself to 
 what might be styled the Rialto of the Carbonari; in 
 other words, to that quarter of the city where the 
 gentlemen of that profession were ' wont most to con- 
 gregate,' — namely, St Mary's Wynd, — the thorough- 
 fare by which the great bulk of the coal for the con- 
 sumption of the city at that time was accustomed 
 to pass. There, by virtue of a suitable parole and 
 countersign, given to the bona fide John, who was soon 
 spoke on that highway, he easily furnished himself with 
 the appropriate costume and other adjuncts of the char- 
 acter, including, of course, the cart with its contents. 
 
 Endued, therefore, in one of the most conspicuous 
 habits de corps of the coal fraternity — consisting inter 
 alia, of blue-ribbed stockings, shoes with soles rather 
 thicker than what the Cockneys call Vauxhall slices, 
 studded, moreover, with nails which might have served 
 for the decoration of the postern gate of Front de 
 Bcpufs ca.sWe, corduroy jacket and trousers, with du- 
 bious-coloured plush vest, and other et ceteras, not 
 omittm^ a guan. suff. of lOom on his face — the self- 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 193 
 
 elected John wended his way up the High Street of 
 Auld Reekie. 
 
 The shrill hilloa of Tom Pipes, when announcing to 
 Tunley, the landlord, the august approach of the naval 
 duumvirate, Trunnion and Hatchway, could not be 
 more astounding than the intimation given to Mr 
 Clirehugh's establishment, of the arrival of the coals 
 — said intimation conveyed, of course, in the choicest 
 and most prolonged cadence of Gilmerton, — a. patois, 
 by the way, it may safely be said, which is, of all 
 other Doric dialects, the most offensive to an English 
 ear: * Hollo, the coals ! ' 
 
 The inmates of the house were, of course, advertised 
 beforehand; and the next question was, to drag John 
 into the presence of the two English gentlemen. In 
 suffering himself to be hauled along, he protested, with 
 abundance of no^se and vociferation, that it was alto- 
 gether impossible the gentlemen could have anything 
 to say to him ; while the Englishmen themselves, on 
 the other hand, were encouraging John to come up by 
 all means, professing they only wished to have a little 
 conversation with him. At last, our hero made his ap- 
 pearance at the landing-place ; and here was another 
 demur. 'Sik gran' gentlemen,' with well-feigned 
 awe and astonishment, he declared, ' could never hae 
 onything to say till the like o' him. ' At last, however, 
 being urged and entreated by the gentlemen, on the 
 one hand, and jogged on by Clirehugh at his elbow, 
 on the other, John did venture into ' the presence ' ; 
 but first stooped down for a hold of the flap of the 
 carpet, which he forthwith began, with much delibera- 
 tion and humility, to roll before him. ' The deuce 
 
 N 
 
194 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 take the fellow ! exclaimed one of the Englishmen to 
 Clirehugh, on observing this proceeding ; ' although 
 we wished you to procure us an interview with one 
 of the clowns of your country, we did not intend you 
 should introduce to us an absolute fool.' 'Dear sir, 
 I'm nae better than a fule, as ye may say ; but, anent 
 the caurpet, wad ye hae me come into so grand a 
 chaumer, without either rowin' up the claith or cast- 
 ing aff my shoon ? ' ' Well, well, John, we won't quarrel 
 with you on that matter; only just sit down now, and 
 take a glass of something,' This proposal, we may 
 suppose, was to the point, whether addressed to John 
 in propria persona or quoad his fictitious character. 
 At last, after some general and desultory conversation, 
 in all of which our hero acquitted himself a ?nei'veilie, 
 and when John was supposed to be, by the aid of an 
 elevating glass, considerably more at his ease, the 
 question was propounded which was to decide the 
 bet ; and, after an introduction as to what they had 
 heard of the superior education of John's countrymen, 
 it came out in this shape, — ' Pray, John, can you tell 
 us who was Adam's father ? ' * Adam's faither ? ' said 
 John, ' eh, ay ; let's see : ' then, recollecting the cate- 
 chetical table he had learned at school, after a short 
 pause, — ' Ou, ay; Noah was the son o' Lamech, who 
 was the son o' Methusaleh, who was the son o' Enoch, 
 who was the son o' Jared, who was the son o' Maha- 
 laleel, who was the son o' Cainan, who was the son o' 
 Enos, who was the son o' Seth, who was the son o' 
 Adam, who was the son o' God.^ 'Well done ! ' ex- 
 claimed the Englishman ; ' John, you are a clever 
 fellow, and have gained the bet ; ' which was perfectly 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 195 
 
 acquiesced in by the other party; neither of whom, by- 
 the-bye, had any idea of the logical ratiocination which 
 John was to make to bear on the question. 
 
 This matter being settled, after the glass had been 
 pushed round pretty swiftly, and our hero had treated 
 the strangers with a great many jokes and shrewd 
 remarks, which raised him still higher in their estima- 
 tion, he said, * Weel, gentlemen, I dinna ken weel 
 what to say to you for yer extraordinar kindness, or 
 hoo to thank ye ; and I maun noo be stappin'. But, 
 as I hae gotten a gowd guinea frae ye, for answering 
 the bit question ye speired, wad ye no tak it amiss, if 
 I was to speir ane at ye, which will no be muckle 
 langer than yer ain ; and, as I maun say, ye hae been 
 sae very frank, and haena taen amiss my want o' 
 havins, if ye like I'll pit down my guinea again, for a 
 wad against yours. ' ' Oh, most certainly, John ; most 
 certainly; and we shall be very glad to answer your 
 question, in place of taking it amiss. ' ' Then,' says 
 John, 'can ye lell me wha 7? ly fait her wes?' 'D — n 
 the fellow ! ' exclaimed both the Englishmen ; and, it 
 is almost needless to add, that I ohn was permitted to 
 withdraw himself as quickly as he chose, with his three 
 guineas, without being troubled, for that time, with 
 any more questions. 
 
 A PUN WHISTLED. 
 
 A young Scotchman visiting London with his father, 
 and being much given to punning, his father often re- 
 proved him for it, and expressed a wish that he would 
 endeavour to leave it off entirely, and, if possible, dis- 
 play a little genuine wit. One day, taking a walk 
 
196 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 together, they passed Newgate, where a man was con- 
 fined in the stocks, with his head firmly jammed in 
 between two ponderous blocks of wood. An excellent 
 pun, strictly in point, instantly occurred to the young 
 man ; but, his father being present, he durst not come 
 out with it ; so he contented himself with whistling 
 the tune of ' Through the wood, Laddie.^ 
 
 HIGHLAND THIEVES. 
 
 Dugald M'Caul was a professed thief in the High- 
 lands, and sometimes took young lads into his service 
 as apprentices to the same business. With one of 
 these hopeful youths, who had recently engaged with 
 him, he agreed one night to proceed upon an excursion, 
 the apprentice to steal a wedder, and Dugald himself 
 to steal kail. It was also agreed that they should, 
 after being in possession of their booty, meet in the 
 kirkyard, where they were pretty sure of not being 
 molested, as it got the name of being haunted by a 
 ghost. Dugald, as may well be supposed, arrived first 
 at the place of rendezvous, and, sitting on a gravestone, 
 amused himself with eating kail-custocks until the 
 apprentice should arrive with the wedder. In a 
 neighbouring farm-house, a cripple tailor happened to 
 be at work, and the conversation having turned upon 
 the story of the kirkyard being haunted, the tailor 
 boldly censured some young men present for not 
 having the courage to go and speak to the supposed 
 apparition, adding, that if he had the use of his limbs, 
 he would have no hesitation in doing it himself. One 
 of the young men, nettled at the tailor's remarks, pro- 
 posed taking the tailor on his back to the kirkyard ; 
 
Scottish Anecdotes, 197 
 
 and, as the tailor could not well recede from what he 
 had said, off they went. The moment they entered 
 the kirkyard, Dugald M'Caul saw them, and thinking 
 it was the apprentice with a wedder on his back, he said, 
 in a low tone of voice, as they approached him, ' Is he 
 fat ? ' ' Whether he be fat or lean,' cried the young 
 man, ' there he is to you ; ' and, throwing down the 
 tailor, ran off as hard as he could. To his utter aston- 
 ishment, he found the tailor close at his heels, on 
 entering the farm-house ; intense fear having supplied 
 him with the long-lost use of his limbs, which it is 
 said he retained ever after. 
 
 MUTATIS MUTANDIS. 
 
 An elderly fat gentleman, in discussing a warm beef- 
 steak at a Highland inn, called to the waiting boy, 
 ' Donald, bring me more bread, for I eat a great deal 
 of bread to my steak.' Donald answered, with much 
 modest simplicity, ' Ay, and please yer honour, and 
 ye eat a great deal o' steak to yer breid.' 
 
 HUGO ARNOT. 
 
 Hugo Arnot one day, while panting with asthma, 
 was almost deafened by the noise of a brawling fellow 
 who was selling oysters below his window. ' The ex- 
 travagant rascal ! ' said Hugo, ' he has wasted as much 
 breath as would have served me for a month ! ' 
 
 EARL OF BALCARRAS, 
 
 The grandfather of the present Earl of Balcarras 
 was a benevolent person, with more of what the French 
 call bon-ho7Jimie than most men, as the following fact 
 will show :- -His lordship was a skilful agriculturist, 
 
198 Scottish Aiiecdotes. 
 
 and, among other fruits of his skill, he was particularly 
 proud of a field of turnips, which were of unusual size. 
 One day, while walking in this field, and admiring its 
 produce, he discerned, close to the hedge, a woman,^ 
 who was a pensioner of the family, but who, forgetting 
 her duty and obligations, had stolen a large sackful of 
 the precious turnips, and was making the best of her 
 way home, when she was thus caught in the manner, 
 as the lawyers say. The worthy noble.nan very justly 
 reproached the woman with her dishonesty and ingra- 
 titude, reminding her that she would have received a 
 sackful of turnips had she asked for it in a proper way,, 
 instead of stealing his favourites. The woman silently 
 courtesied at every sentence, and confessed her ofifence,. 
 but pleaded her large family. The good peer was at 
 last mollified, and was leaving the field, when the 
 woman, who had dropped her prize on his lordship's 
 first accosting her, and was now with difficulty en- 
 deavouring to lift it on her back again, called to him, 
 'Oh, my lord, my lord, do yegiemea haund, and help 
 the poke on my back, for it's unco heavy, and I canna 
 get it up by mysel ! ' Thus she bespoke the earl, wha 
 actually turned back, and did assist the woman to load 
 herself with the stolen turnips. 
 
 MACNAB IN ONE OF HIS ALTITUDES. 
 
 This remarkable personage was perfectly insane on 
 the subject of family rank. ' There were, questionless, 
 mony Maister Macnabs ; but the auld black laad may 
 hae my saul if I ken but ae Macnab.'' It was quite 
 enough to put him in a frenzy, to dignify with the title 
 of chieftain anyone, however high in title or fortune. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 199 
 
 who, he thought, had no claim to that super-imperial 
 rank. It is not to be supposed that this was ever done 
 for the pleasure of beholding the laird in one of those 
 passions, which resembled one of his mountain storms. 
 No; he was by no means the man to hazard such a joke 
 upon; and could he have suspected for a moment (a 
 supposition, indeed, almost impossible) that any per- 
 son whatever attempted to play upon him, miserable 
 would have been the fate of the unhappy wight who 
 made the experiment. The narrator of this anecdote 
 had a narrow escape from the overwhelming indigna- 
 tion of this genuine Gaelic worthy. It occurred after 
 dinner, the good laird being a little mellow, — for as to 
 being drunk, oceans of liquor would have failed to pro- 
 duce that effect — at least to the length of prostration. 
 The party, on whose account the chiefs bile was so 
 powerfully excited, was indeed blessed with an infinitely 
 more lofty and sonorous cognomen than himself. If it 
 did not indisputably stamp the owner as an ancient feu- 
 dal baron, an ignorant Lowlander might well be excused 
 for thinking so. We shall suppose it to be Macloran 
 of Dronascandlich — a name trying enough, certes, for 
 the utterance of any common pair of jaws. Thus com- 
 menced the unlucky querist : — ' Macnab, are you ac- 
 quainted with Macloran, who has lately purchased so 
 many thousand acres in — shire ? ' This was more than 
 sufficient to set the laird off in furious tilt on his gener lo- 
 gical steed. ' Ken wha ? the paddock-stool o' a creature 
 they ca' Dronascandlich, wha, no far bygane, dawred, 
 an' be d — d till him ! to offer siller, sir, for an auld an- 
 cient estate, sir, — an estate as auld as the Flude, sir, — a 
 d — d deal aulder,sir, — siller, sir, scrapit thegither by the 
 
200 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 meeserable deevil in India, sir; not in an offisher or gen- 
 tleman-like way, sir, but, Satan burst him ! making cart 
 wheels, and trams, sir, and barrows, and the like o' that 
 wretched handywork. Ken him, sir ? I ken the creature 
 weel, and wha he comes frae, sir ; and so I ken that 
 dumb tyke, sir — a better brute by half than a score o' 
 him ! ' * Mercy on us ! Macnab, you surprise me ; I 
 thought, from the sublime sound of his name and title, 
 he had been a chief of at least ten centuries' standing.' 
 The instant this remark was made, the visage of the 
 laird grew ghastly with rage; he snorted in the true 
 Gaelic style; his eyes caught fire; he alternately raised 
 and depressed the skin of his awful front, while every 
 muscle of the whole man quivered with indignation. 
 A fearful tornado was naturally expected; but, restrain- 
 ing himself with a convulsive effort, thus he cried, or 
 rather bellowed out, ' By the saul o' the Macnabs, sir, 
 naething but yer deeabolical Lowland ignorance can 
 excuse ye for sic damnable profanation ! Hear ye me, 
 sir : — it's fifty year and mair bygane, ae time I was at 
 Glasgow, wanting some tyking, or Osenbrugs, or what 
 the fiend ca' ye them, what ye mak pillows and bows- 
 ters o' ? Weel, sir, I was recommendit to an auM 
 decent creature o' a wabster, wha pickit up a meeser- 
 able subsistence in the Gallowgate. I gaed up ae pair 
 o' stairs — twa, three, syne four pair o' stairs — a perfit 
 Toor o' Babel in meenature, sir. At last, I quat the 
 regions o' stane and lime, and cam to Hm??ier, sir, aboot 
 twenty or thretty rotten boords, that were a perfit temp- 
 tation o' Providence to venture the foot of a five-year- 
 auld bairn on. I gaed in at a hole — door it could na 
 be ca'd, sir; and there I found a meeserable deevil, the 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 201 
 
 perfit picture of famine, sir, wi' a face as white as a 
 clout, an auld red Kilmarnock on his puir grey pow, 
 and treddle treddling awa wi' his pitifu' wizened trot- 
 ters. Wha think ye, sir, was this abortion o' a creature 
 — this threadbare, pennyless, and parritchless scrap o' 
 an antediluvian wabster ? This was Macloran's grand- 
 faither, sir ' (in a voice of thunder). ' That was the 
 origin o' Dronascandlich, sir' (in a lower tone, accom- 
 panied with a truly diabolical grin), ' and a bonny 
 ■origin for a Highland chief.' 
 
 BAUCHIE LEE. 
 
 Before the Bridge of Dalserf, in Lanarkshire, was 
 built, about forty years ago, a ferry boat was kept 
 there by one Bauchie Lee, a rough uncultivated being, 
 but possessed of great shrewdness and humour. The 
 late Earl of Hyndford (the last of the title) had occasion 
 very frequently to pass the ferry, when he generally 
 gave Bauchie a shilling, although the charge was only 
 one penny. His lordship cracked many a joke with 
 Bauchie, who, in return, used a good deal of freedom; 
 but the former, on a particular occasion, determined 
 to give the ferryman a puzzler. So, accordingly, hav- 
 ing got across the river, his lordship leapt out of the 
 boat, without so much as putting his hand into his 
 pocket. Bauchie, apparently thunderstruck at the oc- 
 currence, for a while eyed the Earl, who, before he had 
 gone many paces, was interrupted with the vehement 
 vociferation of, ' My lord, I have only to say to your 
 lordship, that if you have lost your purse, recollect it 
 has not been in my boat. ' The good Earl, laughing 
 heartily, retraced his steps, and rewarded Bauchie with 
 a double gift. 
 
202 Scottish Anecdotes, 
 
 About the same time, when the Rev. Mr Risk was 
 minister of the parish, which used to be infested with 
 innumerable gangs of beggars, the reverend gentleman, 
 anxious to put a stop to the nuisance, gave strict injunc- 
 tions to Bauchie not to take any mendicants across 
 the water. This was not at all relished by the boat- 
 man — the beggars being generally his best customers;, 
 for, besides paying the ferry, they often regaled them- 
 selves heartily in his house. However, he durst not 
 disobey; but, at all hazards, determined on having his 
 revenge; and it was not long before he was gratified 
 to his heart's content. One day, the clergyman had 
 occasion to cross, for the purpose of dining with some 
 of his parishioners; but he had not been long on the 
 opposite shore, when the rain began to fall in torrents;, 
 and, at the hour of his departure, it was still very wet. 
 He was, accordingly, under the necessity of borrowing 
 an old greatcoat to save his clothes ; and, in order that 
 his hat might not be damaged, it was laid aside, and 
 the minister's head enshrouded in a napkin. Thus 
 metamorphosed, he regained the side of the river, and 
 in vain bawled lustily for Bauchle's assistance. The 
 cunning boatman knew well the voice; but, recollect- 
 ing the clergyman's injunction, he for a while sat in 
 the house, chuckling over the incident. At length he 
 came out, and, with voice stentorian, responded, ' I 
 tell ye, frien', I canna tak ony beggars owre in my boat 
 — the minister winna aloo me.' After this had been 
 repeated several times, and after, as Bauchie used to- 
 tell the story, ' I saw he was weel dreepit, an' as hearse 
 as a craw, I pretended to recognise him. Lord, I took 
 ye for ane o' the beggars, minister — wha wad hae 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 203 
 
 thocht o' ane o' yoor station comin' owre in sic a 
 dress ! ' The minister was much disconcerted ; but 
 Bauchie enjoyed the joke with great relish. 
 
 PLAGIARISM. 
 
 One legal gentleman of Edinburgh having showed 
 another a quantity of poems which he had written^ 
 and of which he wished to have the opinion of his 
 friend, the referee glanced over the manuscript, but 
 was quickly struck with the extensive and wholesale 
 plagiarisms which he saw had been committed upon 
 the classical writers of Greece and Rome. Pointing, 
 out this to his friend, ' Oh,' said the poet, * I am some- 
 thing of Fielding's opinion, as expressed in Tom Jones, 
 that the ancients are a commonty, where every modern 
 poet is entitled to pasture his Pegasus.' 'Ay, man,' 
 responded the critic, with a happiness of thought 
 which, unfortunately, none but a Scotch lawyer can 
 appreciate to its full extent, ' your title may give you 
 a servitude of pasturage upon the commonty of the 
 ancients; but, surely, ye never gat ane oi feal and 
 divot: * 
 
 BON MOT OF A SCOTCH PIPER. 
 
 James Ritchie, who flourished as piper to ihe cor- 
 
 * By a servitude of pasturage, as it is expressed in Scots law 
 phraseology, a right is acquired ot pasturing cattle, or sheep, on. 
 the grounds of a neighbour; but, by the servitude oi feal av.a 
 divot (the antithesis of the other) one is at liberty to pare off 
 the turf from the ground, for firing, covering cottages, and other 
 purposes. The critic meant, that the modern author might 
 cultivate his mind by the study of the ancients, but not appro- 
 priate whole passages from their works. 
 
204 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 poration of Peebles till the beginning of the present 
 century, and who was remarkable as having been first 
 cousin to that extraordinary creature David Ritchie, 
 the original of the Black Dwarf, was a sort of wit in 
 his way. His wife had one day to communicate to 
 him the distressing intelligence, that a flood in the 
 Tweed had carried away their family cow, which was 
 the fruit of his laborious earnings. ' Weel,' said he, 
 after a good deal of condolence, ' deil may care, after 
 a' ; it cam wi' the wind, let it gang wi' the water. ^ 
 
 A SCOTCH MASON. 
 
 The late Mr Douglas of Cavers, in Roxburghshire, 
 one day walked into Cavers churchyard, where he saw 
 a stone mason busily engaged in carving an angel upon 
 a gravestone. Observing that the man was adorning 
 the heavenly spirit, according to the costume of the age, 
 with a grand flowing periwig, Mr Douglas exclaimed 
 to him, ' In the name of wonder, who ever saw an 
 angel with a wig? ' 'And, in the name of wonder,' 
 answered the sculptor, ' wha ever saw an angel 
 withotit ane ? ' 
 
 PUNS AND BON MOTS OF A COUNTRY 
 CLERGYMAN. 
 
 A country clergyman, who had the honour to dine 
 with the Magistrates and Town Council of Edinburgh, 
 chanced to be placed at the right hand of the Right 
 Honourable the Lord Provost. After fish, flesh, and 
 fowl had successively disappeared, and fruits in their 
 
 season had followed their example, Bailie asked 
 
 the minister if he thought the company entitled to a 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 205 
 
 second dram? *! am of opinion,' says he, 'that you 
 would be much the better for it ; but I am afraid his 
 lordship my interdict it, as being above your dessert^ 
 
 The same divine was once walking with a country 
 laird amid his pleasure grounds. The laird valued 
 himself on having planted 200,000 trees ; but added 
 that, in one part of the wood, there was too great a 
 proportion of oaks. ' That,' says his clerical friend,, 
 'may be easily remedied.' 'How?' inquires his 
 lairdship. ' Did you never study the method of con- 
 verting oaks into ashes ? ' ' Poo, poo ; impossible. '' 
 ' The simplest process imaginable ; you have nothing 
 to do but to burn them.' 
 
 A painter of animals was dining, for the first time,. 
 in company with the same ecclesiastic, when the wine 
 began to awaken loquacity. The painter asked his 
 neighbour if he could throw a job in his way ? ' What 
 is your forte ? ' says his companion. ' I draw horses, 
 you know.' ' I could devise employment for you, and 
 all the painters in Edinburgh, if you would come out 
 about the end of harvest and draw carts. ' ' I doubt,*^ 
 replied the artist, * we wad be ill to corn.' ' Ye would 
 be waur to water, if one may judge from appearances.' 
 
 The same clergyman was once dining with an 
 advocate in Queen Street, Edinburgh. Several pun- 
 sters were present, and something like wit was begin- 
 ning to sparkle. The landlord, addressing himself to 
 the priest, said, ' The game's up. ' * Not yet ; but it 
 will be immediately, for there's a doo gaun to Hunt." 
 
2o6 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 A gentleman was at that moment helping a Miss Hunt 
 to a pigeon. 
 
 A brother clergyman was driving his gig, in which 
 he was accompanied by his daughter, Grace. The 
 gig came in contact with a large stone, and was in 
 danger of being overturned. The father, anxious for 
 the safety of his child, threw her out upon a plot of 
 grass, and she escaped unhurt ; but in attemping to 
 iump out himself, his great coat became entangled with 
 the wheel of the carriage, by which he received con- 
 siderable injury. His friend, observing him halt, 
 asked him if he had met with an accident ? ' I got 
 myself severely injured,' says he, 'by saving Grace.' 
 ' It is the first time,' replied the punster, ' I ever 
 heard of saving grace hurting anybody, especially a 
 clergyman of the Church of Scotland. ' 
 
 A band of young empty divinity students paid a 
 visit to the manse : a flock of turkeys followed them 
 to the door. ' Sir,' says one of the probationers, 'do 
 you allow the turkeys to come into your house ? ' 
 'Sometimes,' replied the minister; 'but I will not 
 permit them at this time, for I never suffer turkeys and 
 geese to enter at the same time.' 
 
 Mr Pitt having made a moving speech in the House 
 of Commons on the subject of the French invasion, 
 the minister remarked, in a large dinner party, which 
 happened soon after, that it was very right in the 
 Premier to alarm us. ' How so ? ' was universally 
 asked. ' Why, our whole safety lies in our being all- 
 armed. ' 
 
Scottish Atiecdotes. 207 
 
 On another occasion, the chaplain was placed near 
 a baronet, who was a cavalry officer. The gentleman 
 on the right, and the gentleman on the left of the 
 chaplain, quitted the mess-room soon after dinner. 
 The chaplain asked the baronet, who was a first-rate 
 wit, * How comes it that I am the river Tiber ? ' ' We 
 have not time just now,' says the baronet, 'for think- 
 ing deeply, as we are drinking deeply: pray explain.' 
 * I have room on each side.' 
 
 Walking in a meadow with some ladies, he had the 
 impudence to snatch a kiss from one, unperceived by 
 the rest. She said, indignantly, * Sir, I am not ac- 
 customed to such freedoms.' 'It will be the greater 
 rarity, then, madam, ' She flew from him, and ran to- 
 wards her mother, who, alarmed at her seeming terror, 
 inquired what was the cause. ' She has taken fright 
 at a rash buss,' says the minister. ' Oh, ye idiot,' quoth 
 the mother, 'go back this instant.' She returned, 
 smiling, and said, ' Do't again's no' forbidden.' 
 
 A maiden lady, of threescore and ten, sent him the 
 following message ; — ' A party of young ladies are go- 
 ing to the country to dine, and stay all night: they 
 wish you to go with them. The carriage is to be at 
 the door in a quarter of an hour.' It was nearly half- 
 an-hour before he reached the spot. On his entering 
 the drawing-room, the old lady, who was reclining on 
 a sofa, said, ' I am very angry with you. My horses 
 are spirited animals; they have been prancing on the 
 street, and champing the bits for these ten minutes, 
 %vaiting for you.' He advanced towards the sofa, and 
 
2o8 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 aiming to salute the lady, said, with humility of accent, 
 * Madam, I am a true Christian, and, when chastised,. 
 I always kiss the rod.' 
 
 When on a visit to a friend, the ladies proposed 
 playing at a game called hot cockles, or something 
 like it. When it came to his turn to kneel down be- 
 fore the sofa, blindfolded, one of the ladies gave him 
 a smart blow with her shoe or slipper. He sighed, 
 and ejaculated, 'A striking proof, this, of the materi- 
 ality of the sole.' 
 
 'You are beside yourself,' says a beautiful young 
 lady who sat next him at dinner, and was tired of his 
 badinage. ' I am glad of it,' he replied, ' for then we 
 two are one.' 
 
 On entering a room where some ladies were sorting 
 wool, one of them said, * Will you come and tease 
 woo ? ' (w. ) ' I prefer a vowel to a consonant, and 
 would rather teaze u.' 
 
 Having entered a room where a number of young 
 ladies were assembled, one of them offered him the 
 half of her chair, as there was a scarcity of that article 
 of furniture in the place. She was handsome ; and 
 he enclosed her waist with his left arm, to keep her 
 from sliding off the armless chair, ' What would you 
 say,' whispers the fair one, 'if I were to fall to the 
 floor ? ' * I would look at you with compassion, and 
 say, — "There's a fallen angel." ' 
 
 At the celebration of the birthday of a neighbouring 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 209 
 
 gentleman, the minister, on the hospitable entertainer 
 proposing a bumper to the health of the King, testi- 
 fied his loyalty by joining in the demonstration of it ; 
 but stated his hope that such a toast should not be 
 very frequently repeated, for, adds he, 'if you drink 
 many such bumpers to the health of the King, you 
 will assuredly injure the Constitution.' 
 
 A lady, who was a parishioner, was on the eve of 
 marriage. A preacher, devoted to the vice of drink- 
 ing too- freely, happened to be dining at the manse. 
 The conversation naturally turned on the topic of the 
 day, — the approaching nuptials. The minister, on the 
 preacher's hinting at an intention of acting like young 
 Lochinvar, said gravely, ' If you should prevent the 
 marriage, the folk will say, "The swine has run 
 through't." ' 
 
 At a meeting of heritors and presbytery, respecting 
 the repairs of a manse, some of the heritors took of- 
 fence at the arbitrary proceedings of the Presbytery, 
 and left the meeting. The brother before alluded to, 
 encountering two of the dissatisfied on the street, one 
 of them said, ' You of the Presbytery have made com- 
 plete fools of the heritors.' 'That, sir, was impossible, 
 your Maker had the start of us there.' 
 
 When attending the General rissembly, he stayed 
 with the Professor of Divinity, Argyle Square. A 
 member of the Presbytery of Stirling was also a lodger 
 in the venerable Doctor's house. One morning, about 
 seven o'clock, the Professor said to his guest, who had 
 o 
 
2IO Scottish A?iecdotes. 
 
 risen betimes, ' Let us go and see what the minister of 
 
 is about.' They found him still a-bed, with a 
 
 book in his hand. ' Get up, you lazy dog, ' cries the 
 Doctor, shaking his snow-white locks. 'Oh,' says the 
 other, ' I have been reading since five o'clock ; I am 
 not a great sleeper.' ' If you are not a great sleeper,' 
 replied his polite brother, 'you are a great lier.' 
 
 On returning to his native place, from the university, 
 he fell in with a party of old schoolfellows, who pressed 
 him to dine with them at an inn. They were addicted 
 to swearing, and, during the evening, several oaths iicw 
 from their mouths, but every time they begged pardon 
 of the colleginer, as they called him. He replied, 
 ' Treat me in regard to swearing, as I hope you will 
 treat me in respect to drinking, — use your freedom, 
 but don't ask me to join you.' There was not a pro- 
 fane word uttered by any of the company during the 
 remainder of the sederunt. 
 
 A certain laird, in whose family the wit was tutor, 
 had made an appointment to go to the moors next day 
 with a neighbour, but changed his mind. He desired 
 the tutor to write to his friend, that he did not intend 
 to shoot himself to-morrow ; but if he would come to 
 breakfast, the gamekeeper, with the other dogs, would 
 go with him to the moors. The tutor wrote as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 ' My dear Sir, — I am happy to inform you, that the 
 laird does not mean to shoot hijnself to-niorrow ; but he 
 says, if you come to breakfast, the gamekeeper will 
 accompany you, and the rest of the dogs, to the hill. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 211 
 
 If the moor game be scarce in the field, it is expected 
 you will find more game with the laird at dinner.' 
 The answer was couched in these terms : — 
 *My dear Sir, — I rejoice to learn that the laird is 
 not to shoot himself to-morrow. I shall certainly be 
 with you at breakfast ; and we shall never want game 
 as long as the laird is to the fore.' 
 
 A gentleman of an ancient family was boasting of 
 the strength of his arm. ' With a plain snaffle, I could 
 Jay the strongest horse I ever crossed on his back.' 
 'You are, then,' said the tutor, * the completest horse- 
 couper in the kingdom.' 
 
 A young lady received a card of invitation to a ball. 
 'I cannot go,' quoth she, 'as I want a beau.' The 
 minister said he would go with her ; ' for,' added he, 
 * am-a-bo. ' 
 
 He was to dine at a baronet's. There was to be a 
 ball in the neighbourhood that night. When dinner 
 was announced, the parish minister gave his arm 
 to her ladyship, but his brother pastor clownishly 
 neglected his duty. ' You go to a ball ! ' said the 
 baronet, ' when you will not give my daughter your 
 arm.' He offered his arm to the young lady, and 
 whispered to her, in crossing the lobby, ' I am a 
 mountain in the wilderness ; I am Ne-bo.' 
 
 Walking arm in -arm with a lady who carried a 
 white muff, some of the down adhered to his black 
 coat, so as to attract the notice of an old lady on 
 
212 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 whom the pair were calling. ' Sir,' says the aged 
 matron, ' there's some woo on your coat.' ' No wonder, 
 madam ; for I have been wooing all this forenoon.' 
 
 A family of rank paid a visit to the manse, some in 
 a jaunting car, some on horseback, and the younger 
 branches, with the governess, whose sirname was 
 Wright, in a cart. When they were going away, the 
 minister, without waiting till a chair was brought, or 
 the cart door taken off, lifted the young ladies in his 
 arms, and put them into the cart. The governess 
 declared she would not be lifted in that manner. He 
 took her up and placed her in the cart beside her 
 pupils, saying, 'Madam, might overcomes right.' 
 
 After dinner, at a country gentleman's, where he 
 met with the captain of a vessel lately returned from a 
 voyage to the Baltic, a dish of birsled pease was in- 
 .roduced as an accompaniment to the bottle. The 
 captain, whose dialect was interspersed with a little of 
 the Scandinavian accent, remarked, that ' Peeter the 
 Greet was very fond of birstled pease.' 'Yes,' added 
 the preacher, ' and hence his title, the Great Pea-eater.' 
 
 ' What kind of wine are you drinking ? ' said a 
 reverend doctor to the preacher, who was at the foot 
 of the table, with an empty decanter before him ; ' is 
 it red or white ? ' * Neither the one nor the other, 
 doctor ; it is done. ' 
 
 ANECDOTES OF SPEAKING OUT IN KIRKS. 
 
 A most amusing instance of speaking out in church 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 213 
 
 occurred some years ago, in the parish of . The 
 
 minister, in preaching upon the story of Jonah, uttered 
 a piece of declamatory rhetoric, to something like the 
 following effect : — * And what sort of a fish was it, my 
 brethren, that God had appointed thus to execute his 
 holy will ? Was it a shark, my brethren ? No — it 
 could not be a shark ; for God could never have 
 ventured the person of his beloved Prophet amongst 
 the deadly teeth of that ravenous fish. What fish was 
 it, then, my brethren ? Was it a salmon, think ye ? 
 Ah, no ; that were too narrow a lodging. There's no 
 ae salmon i' the deepest pule o' a' Tweed could swallow 
 a man. Besides, ye ken, it's mair natural for men to 
 swallow salmon, than for salmon to swallow men. 
 What, then, was it ? Was it a sea lion, or a sea horse, 
 or a sea dog, or the great rhinoceros ? Oh, no ! These 
 are not Scripter beasts ava. Ye're as far afFt as 
 ever. Which of the monsters of the great deep was 
 it, can ye tell me?' — Here an old spectacled dame, 
 who had an eleemosynary seat on the pulpit stair, 
 thinking that the minister was in a real perplexity 
 about the name of the fish, interrupted him with, 
 ' Hoot, sir, it was a whale, ye ken. ' * Out upon ye, 
 you graceless wife that you are ? ' cried the orator, so 
 enraged as almost to fly out of the pulpit at her ; ' thus 
 to take the word out of the mouth of God's minister ! ' 
 
 Another amusing instance of a similar piece of in- 
 decorum occurred at Biggar. It must be well known 
 to our readers, that the more ignorant and zealous con- 
 gregations of the Scottish Church, in common with 
 those belonging to what is called the Secession, en- 
 
2 14 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 tertain a very strong prejudice against the use of 
 written notes in the pulpit. The contempt with which 
 clergymen are sometimes treated on this account, 
 would astonish the Uberal minds of our English neigh- 
 bours. In one case, which has come within our 
 knowledge, this contempt proceeded so far as to 
 occasion a speaking out. The minister of Biggar, in 
 Lanarkshire, whose abilities, whatever they might be, 
 were held in the utmost scorn on account of his read- 
 ing, was one day concluding his discourse, as an old 
 woman of the true old leaven was leaving the church. 
 He closed the leaves of his sermon, and those of the 
 Bible at the same time, saying, with emphasis, in- 
 tended as a sort of clencher to his argument, ' I add 
 no more.' ' Because ye canna ! ' cried the old woman. 
 
 BONNY KINGS. 
 
 At the time of the French Revolution, when many 
 of the common people of Scotland, as well as other 
 countries, became inspired with very ambitious views, 
 a clergyman in the North ended a political discourse 
 one day with the following excellent peroration : — 
 • My friends, some of you are fond of kings, and others 
 of you would be kings yourselves ; but, in the language 
 of your own country, I must tell you, " Bonny kings ye 
 wad mak ! " ' 
 
 FOLLOWING THE LAW. 
 
 Balfour, who kept an eminent coffee-house at Edin- 
 burgh — eminent, as being up two pair of stairs at the 
 Cross — was at one time much embarrassed in his cir- 
 cumstances, and therefore an object of request occa- 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 215 
 
 sionally among the myrmidons of the law. One day 
 some messengers coming to his house in search of him 
 he made his way quietly downstairs, and took refuge 
 amongst a group of legal gentlemen in the Parliament 
 Close. The Lord Linton of that time was an advo- 
 cate, and formed one of this congregation. Seeing 
 Balfour in such society, he said to him in a bantering 
 way, ' Oh ho, Jamie, I did not know that you had 
 taken to following the law.' * I'm doing nae sic thing, 
 my lord,' answered Balfour; * its only the law that's 
 following me ! ' 
 
 MEN WITH TAILS. 
 
 Everybody in Scotland has heard of the single ab- 
 surdity which deformed the philosophical character of 
 Lord Monboddo, — his belief that the human race were 
 originally gifted with tails, which were only pinched 
 off by the midwifes. Lord Kaimes was a complete 
 contrast in manners to this learned judge, being plain 
 and blunt in speech, with a strong Scottish accent ; 
 while Monboddo was quite a courtier of the ancien 
 regime, well-bred, and ceremonious. On one occasion 
 in Edinburgh, when Kaimes and Monboddo went to 
 dine with a friend, a girl of six or seven years old, who 
 was in the drawing-room, archly and slyly attached a 
 fox's brush to Monboddo's skirt ; and the ceremony of 
 who should first proceed to the dining-room, as usual, 
 produced some demur, Monboddo insisting that he 
 could not possibly precede a senior lord, till Kaimes, 
 spying the trick which had been played on his friend, 
 exclaimed, ' Gang in, man, and shaw's your tail ! ' 
 pushing him forward. Of course the laugh was irre- 
 
2 1 6 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 sistible, but Monboddo could not enjoy it, as through 
 fear of giving him offence, he was not informed of the 
 joke. 
 
 WIT OF A MADMAN. 
 
 Laird Robertson, a crazed but harmless old man, 
 who lived many years ago in Edinburgh, and was gene- 
 rally known by the name of Daft Laird Robertson, 
 one day meeting with Sandy Wood, an eminent surgeon 
 and most worthy denizen of the same city, accosted him 
 thus, — ' Cousin, I rejoice to see you looking so well 
 this morning.' 'I am very happy to see you, laird,' 
 answered Mr Wood, ' but did not know that I had the 
 honour of being a relation.' 'You're wud^* (Wood), 
 replied the laird, ' and ilka body kens fm no wiseJ' 
 
 BANNOCKBURN. 
 
 Two English gentlemen visited the field of Bannock- 
 burn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English 
 army, by Robert the Bruce. A country blacksmith 
 pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone 
 where the Bruce's standard was fixed during the battle, 
 etc. Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentle- 
 men, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown- 
 piece ; ' Na, na,' said Vulcan, drawing himself up, and 
 adding with emphasis, * it has cost ye eneuch already.' 
 
 HUGO ARNOT. 
 
 Hugo Arnot was for a long time afflicted with a 
 very bad cough. One day, after a severe fit, meeting 
 
 * IVud in the Scottish language means insane. 
 
Scottish Aiiecdotes. 2 1 7 
 
 Mr Tytler of Woodhouselee, he remarked to him, that 
 this d — d cough would certainly carry him off ' some 
 day like a rocket.'' 'Ay, ay, Mr Arnot,' observed Mr 
 Tytler; * it's my opinion, however, if you dinna mend 
 your manners, ye'll tak a contrary directutn.^ 
 
 MISS FLINT. 
 
 * Who is that gentleman walking with Miss Flint ? ' 
 said a wag to his companion, as they walked along 
 Princes Street. *0h,' replied the other, 'that is a 
 spark which she has struck.'' 
 
 CESSIO PONORUM. 
 
 A debtor, who had obtained a cessio bonorum at a 
 prodigious expense, from the opposition to the measure 
 on the part of his creditors, was asked, when the final 
 sentence was given in his favour, if he had gained his 
 cause? 'Yes,' said the debtor, 'I have obtained the 
 cessio, but the lawyers got the bonoruin I ' 
 
 PLEASURE AND PAIN. 
 
 The Honourable Thomas Erskine was one evening 
 taken suddenly ill at Lady Payne's : on her expressing 
 a hope that his indisposition might not be serious, he 
 answered her in the following impromptu ; — 
 • 'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain, 
 For he never knew pleastire who never knew Payne, 
 
 INTEGER PRESTANTIOR PARTE. 
 
 The Honourable Henry Erskine meeting, by acci- 
 dent, a friend who had come to Edinburgh from the 
 country for a few hours, asked him the reason of his 
 
2i8 !Scotttsh Anecdotes. 
 
 haste, and the object of his journey; to which his 
 friend replied, * I only came to town for a coat. ' ' I 
 would much rather,' observed Mr E., * it had been for 
 a stii^.' 
 
 DR PITCAIRN. 
 
 A bon-vivant of fashion, brought to his deathbed by 
 an immoderate use of wine, after having been seriously 
 taken leave of by Dr Pitcairn, and ingeniously told that 
 he could not, in all human probability, survive many 
 hours, and would die by eight o'clock next morning, 
 exerted the small remains of his strength to call the 
 doctor back, which having accomplished with diffi- 
 culty, his loudest effort not exceeding a whisper, he 
 said, with the true spirit of a gambler, ' Doctor, I'll 
 bet you a bottle I live till nine I ' 
 
 DONALD M'GREGOR. 
 
 Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter {alia^ 
 sheepstealer) in the North Highlands, being at last 
 overtaken by the grim tyrant of the human race, was 
 visited by the minister of the parish, whose appear- 
 ance, however, was by no means agreeable to him. 
 The holy man warmly exhorted the dying Highlander 
 to reflect upon the long and black catalogue of his 
 sins, before it was too late, otherwise he would have a 
 tremendous account to give at the great day of retri- 
 bution, when all the crimes he had committed in this 
 world would appear in dreadful array, as evidence of 
 his guilt. 'Och ! sir,' cries the dying man, 'and will 
 a' the sheeps, and the cows, and ilka thing Donald has 
 helped hersel to, be there ? ' * Undoubtedly,' replied 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 219- 
 
 the parson. ' Then let ilka shentleman tak her nain, 
 and Donald will be an honest man again.' 
 
 RATHER TOO FREE. 
 
 A Leith shipmaster, having gone ashore, some years 
 ago, in the Highlands of Scotland, on a Sunday morn- 
 ing, went to hear divine service. It was a very wet 
 summer : the rain had poured down incessantly for 
 some weeks, and the hope of the husbandman had 
 well-nigh failed. The parson mounted the pulpit, and 
 began to wrestle most powerfully with the Lord in 
 prayer. A transient blink of sunshine inspired the 
 pious man with holy confidence, and he felt conscious- 
 of being the favourite of Heaven, — when lo ! on a. 
 sudden, the heavens were darkened, the thunder 
 roared, and the impetuous torrents seemed to threaten 
 a second deluge. Unable to restrain his vexation, the 
 disappointed preacher cried out, in a transport of holy 
 rage, — ' Weel, weel, pelt on, good Lord, and spoil all 
 the puir folk's corn, as you did last year ; — you'll hae 
 meikle mense by your handy-wark ! ' 
 
 DIFFERENCE OF RELIGIONS. 
 
 A Highlander, having gone with his master into the 
 church of Notre-Dame at Paris, to hear high mass, 
 was very much delighted with the magnificence of the 
 edifice, the splendour of the clergymen's dresses, and 
 the divine harmony of the music. On leaving church, 
 his master asked him how he liked the performance. 
 ' Och, sir, 'twas wondrous fine,' replied the mountaineer; 
 * God is served here like a shentilman; but in my country 
 (with reverence be it spoken) he i treated little better 
 than as a scoundrel.' 
 
2 20 Scottish, Anecdotes. 
 
 GOOD REASON TO FEAR. 
 
 Dr Farquharson, having been sent for to a gentle 
 man who had received a slight wound in a rencounter, 
 gave orders to his servant to go home in all haste 
 imaginable, and fetch a certain plaster: the patient, 
 turning a little pale, ' Doctor,' said he, ' I hope there 
 is no danger?' 'Yes, indeed,' answered the doctor, 
 *for if the fellow don't show a good pair of heels, the 
 wound will heal before he returns.' 
 
 DR JOHNSON. 
 
 When James Boswell took Dr Johnson to his father's 
 house in Scotland, old Boswell, astonished at the singu- 
 larity of his manners, remarked that Jamie had brought 
 an odd chiel along with him. 'Sir,' said Boswell, 'he 
 is the grand luminary of our hemisphere : quite a con- 
 stellation, sir ! ' ' Ursa Major, I suppose,' said the old 
 gentleman. 
 
 MOTHER WIT. 
 
 The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very young 
 girl, was romping with some other little misses, near a 
 milldam, and was often very incautiously approaching 
 the brink of the water, when Lady Maxwell, her 
 mother, called out to her, — 'For God's sake, girl, be 
 more cautious, or you will most certainly tumble into 
 the water and be drowned.' ' I'll be dammed if I do, 
 mamma,' replied the young punster. ' Oh ! child, re- 
 marked her mother, ' that wit of yours will one day 
 prove your ruin.' ' I'm sure, then, it won't be mother- 
 wit^ retorted the little minx. 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 
 Dr M'Knight, formerly one of the clergymen of 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 221 
 
 Edinburgh, a worthy and pious pastor, and author of 
 a very learned and useful work, was applied to by one 
 of his parishioners, a blacksmith by profession, for the 
 loan of a copy of it, promising, at the same time to use 
 much care in perusal. The doctor told him, that he 
 would not lend the book out of his house, but that the 
 smith might come to his study and read it at his leisure. 
 This, however, did not suit the student. A short time 
 after this happened, the doctor having occasion to go 
 to the country, one Sunday, to officiate for a friend, 
 found, on sending for his horse, that the key of the 
 stable was lost. The doctor desired his man to run 
 instantly for the smith, and desire him to bring his- 
 hammer and picklocks to open the door ; when honest 
 Vulcan retorted, that the doctor was very welcome to 
 use his hammer and picklocks in his smithy, but that 
 he 'never lent them out o' his hoose.' 
 
 OS TUUM. 
 
 In the humanity class of Glasgow, it is a practice 
 amongst the students, to call out to any of their com- 
 panions who leave the class-room door open, — 
 
 'Claude ostium, puer. ' 
 Once, during the time of Professor Muirhead, on a 
 student being very forward in vociferating this injunc- 
 tion, the Professor exclaimed, — 
 
 ' Claude os-tuum, puer ! ' 
 
 PUN UPON PtJN. 
 
 The Hon. Henry Erskine, observing a spot of grease 
 upon a friend's coat, said, that he was at present io 
 
222 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 the same situation with his horse. 'How is that?' 
 the gentleman asked. ' Because,' replied Mr E., 'you 
 are greased. 'Oh, Harry,' said his friend, 'that wit 
 \s, far-fetched.' ' By no means,' exclaimed Mr E., 'it 
 
 is 7nade upon the spot' 
 
 STAYMAKERS. 
 
 The Honourable Henry Erskine being retained as- 
 <;ounsel for a body oi shoemakers, in a question before 
 the Court of Session, in Scotland, the cause was re- 
 peatedly called before the Lord Ordinary ; but, after 
 waiting a considerable time, the other party's counsel 
 not appearing, Mr E. observed to his Lordship, 'that 
 the present was certainly a cause of stay-makers. ' 
 
 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIC AND HOC. 
 
 Mr Creech, an eminent bookseller of Edinburgh, 
 possessed a delightful villa on the banks of the Firth 
 of Forth, two miles from Edinburgh, where he retired 
 during the summer, and, like another Cicero, enjoyed 
 otium, cum dignitate ; and here his hospitable board 
 was spread for his friends and brethren of the trade. 
 On one of these occasions, while the worthy landlord 
 was entertaining his guests with an account of his stock 
 of wines, and dwelling with peculiar delight on the 
 excellencies of his hock, Mr Ballantyne, a brother in 
 trade of the same city, tired of his long harangue, 
 whilst the admirable wine never made its appearance, 
 exclaimed, — ' Creech ! why tantalise us with your hoc 
 when it is not hie ? ' 
 
 A POOR MOUTHFUL FOR A GOURMAND. 
 
 It was once observed, in the Parliament House at 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 223 
 
 Edinburgh, that a gentleman, who was known to have 
 a pretty good appetite, had eaten away his senses. 
 * Poh ! ' replied Henry Erskine, * they would not be a 
 mouthful \.o him.' 
 
 KING JAMES I. 
 
 Among the addresses presented upon the accession 
 of that Solomon of Great Britain, James the First, was 
 one from the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his 
 Majesty might reign as long as the sun, moon, and 
 stars endured. ' In troth, man,' said the king to the 
 person who presented it, ' if I do, my son must reign 
 by candle-light.' 
 
 The King mounting a horse that was unruly, said, 
 *■ The deil tak my saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, I'll 
 send ye to the five hundred kings in the Hoose o' Com- 
 mons. They'll soon tame you.' 
 
 A very abusive satirical libel, in verse, against James 
 and some of the nobility and gentry, being brought to 
 his Majesty, he desired to hear it read; in a short time 
 he showed evident marks of discomposure ; and, as the 
 reader proceeded, the strokes becoming more acute, 
 the King often exclaimed, ' that, were there no more 
 men in England, the rogue should hang for it ; ' but 
 coming to the two concluding lines, 
 ' Now God preserve the King, the Queen, and peers, 
 And grant the author long may wear his ears ! ' 
 they pleased the King so well, that he broke out into 
 a fit of laughter, and said, — * By my saul ! and so thou 
 
2 24 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 shalt for me ; for though a bitter, thou art a very witty 
 knave.' 
 
 THE GREY MARE. 
 
 Sir George Mackenzie, the distinguished lawyer, had 
 for his country residence, the Shank, an old house near 
 Dalhousie, now belonging to Mr Dundas of Arniston. 
 The Marquis ofTweeddale, having occasion for advice 
 on some law case, visited Sir George here, one morn- 
 ing before the lawyer was up. As his lordship was in 
 a great hurry, he was taken up to Sir George's bed- 
 room, where he soon unfolded his business, and re- 
 ceived the advice he wanted. He then took out "his 
 purse, and approached the bed to pay the fee ; when, 
 to his great surprise and amusement, z. female hand v^diS 
 thrust from the bed to receive his money. This hand, 
 it is needless to say, belonged to Sir George's wife, who, 
 as we may argue from the story, was cliancellor of her 
 husband's exchequer, if not also his tyrant in more im- 
 portant matters. It is curious thus to find, that even 
 those men who act the boldest and most energetic 
 parts in public life, may, in private, be just as weak as 
 their neighbours in regard to petticoat domination. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 225 
 
 A FEW GRA VE JOKES. 
 
 [Grave-diggers are a peculiar people — differing from 
 the rest of mankind in character and personal appear- 
 ance. Yet, what is strange, a grave-digger yf/, non 
 nascitur — the reverse of the poet. The secret of the 
 distinction must consist in this, that it requires to be 
 of a peculiar character, as well as figure, to become a 
 grave-digger. A person may be destined to be, 
 though not born, a grave-digger. He may have in 
 him, from conception, the germs of the qualities of a 
 grave-digger ; he comes into the world with them ; 
 he bears them about with him during his boyhood, 
 youth, maturity, and middle age ; and when he arrives 
 at the full ripeness oi grave-diggerism, the place falls 
 vacant, and he steps into the dead man's shoes, as 
 naturally as a son succeeds a father in an entailed 
 estate. Though you know that a grave-digger is a 
 mortal like yourself, and may die long before you, it 
 is impossible to help feeling an antipathy to the 
 animal, on the score that he is to handle your precious 
 person with his ignoble hands, when you shall be pas- 
 sive and powerless. One looks upon a grave-digger, 
 especially the grave-digger of one's own parish— sup- 
 posing you to be a settler — as a sort of executioner. 
 You think you are destined to fall into his hands, and 
 cannot resist the feeling of horror with which one 
 must always contemplate, if not death itself, at least 
 what Bacon calls the adjuncts of death. A grave- 
 digger is not more widely divided from the rest of 
 mankind in character than in interests. Death is 
 p 
 
226 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 death to you ; but it is life to him. You are happy 
 in recovering, or in hearing of the recovery of a neigh- 
 bour, from a desperate illness ; but such nevi^s is like 
 that of blasted corn, or rising markets, to him. He 
 can have no sympathy with what throws all the rest 
 of the town into anxiety and sorrow, — the prevalence 
 of an epidemic disease. The wind of March, which 
 takes away old men's breaths, brings breath and health 
 to him. Cold is as warmth to him, and the genial 
 heat of May as the destructive chill of November. As 
 some English divine has emphatically said of the 
 gamester, his business is decidedly unnatural; for he 
 cannot pray for a blessing upon it, without breaking 
 the law which enjoins good-will to men. Like Satan, 
 he has said, ' Evil, be thou my good ! * 
 
 Out of curiosity respecting so singular a people, we 
 have collected some anecdotes of various individuals 
 of the species, which may perhaps be found illustrative 
 of their character and manners.] 
 
 John Prentice, the grave-digger of Carnwarth, in 
 Lanarkshire, had a pleasant equivoque, which he con- 
 stantly used on hearing of the death of any person. 
 
 ' Hech, whow ! ' he would say ; ' is deid ? I 
 
 wad raither it had been other twa. ' 
 
 A person once asked John Prentice if he considered 
 himself at liberty to pray for his daily bread. * Dear 
 sake, sir,' he answered, 'the Lord's Prayer tells us 
 that ye ken.' * Ay, but,' said the querist, ' do you think 
 you can do that, consistently with the command which 
 enjoins us to wish no evil to our neighbours? ' ' Dear 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 227 
 
 sake, sirs,' cried John, rather puzzled, 'ye ken fouk 
 maun be buriet ! ' This was quite natural, and very 
 conchisive. 
 
 The grave-digger ot Sorn, in Ayrshire, was as self- 
 ish and mean a wretch as ever handled mattock or 
 carried mortcloth. He was a very querulous and dis- 
 contented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the 
 wind through a keyhole, on a bleak Sunday afternoon 
 in the country. An acquaintance from a neighbour- 
 ing parish accosted him one day, and asked how the 
 world was standing with him. ' Oh, very puirly, sir 
 — very puirly, indeed ! ' was the answer ; ' the yaird 
 has dune naething ava for us this simmer. If ye like 
 to believe me, I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax 
 weeks ! ' 
 
 John Somerville, the bellman and sexton of Manor, 
 in Peebles-shire, a singularly greedy old man, used to 
 haunt people who were likely soon to require his ser- 
 vices, like a shark following a fever-ship at sea. When- 
 ever he heard of any person, throughout that extensive 
 parish, having been seized with anything like mortal 
 illness, he would draw towards the house, inquire with 
 great apparent concern for the sufferer, and repeat his 
 visits every day, till the event of either death or re- 
 covery. If admitted to see the sick, or informed of 
 the particulars of the disorder, no physician could draw 
 more accurate conclusions as to the result than he. 
 He tracked disease in all its steps, with as much 
 fidelity as the vulture or the carrion-crow follows an 
 army, and with the same purpose. A death was a 
 
228 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 good thing to him, both in prospecUi and hi esse. He 
 lived upon it before as well as after its occurrence. 
 John, it must be understood, was very fond of broth 
 and fat meat, and kept a register in his mind of every 
 person's day for having the pot on in the parish. Now, 
 this predilection of his was prodigiously gi-atified by 
 these visitations to the houses of the sick ; for the people 
 always gave him a share of the food which they might 
 have in preparation, as a sort of part-payment before- 
 hand for his services. He had a trick, independently 
 of these professional visits, of dropping into people's 
 houses about the dinner hour, and was endowed with 
 what might be called a natural propensity for pot- 
 lucking ; but, though the hospitality of his hosts could 
 not have permitted him, under any circumstances, to 
 fare poorly, it was quite remarkable that, when his 
 official services were likely to be necessary, he was 
 always better treated than at other times. 
 
 On a family having removed from the neighbouring 
 parish of Stobo to that of Manor, John was rejoiced to 
 bear, that among the new settlers there was one who, 
 in all probability, would soon require his assistance. 
 A single customer procured in this unexpected way 
 was, to John, as good as other ninety-nine, who could 
 not have gone past him. Yet the joy of his mind was 
 not altogether unalloyed. Busy fancy suggested to 
 him the possibility of the family retaining an affection 
 for the burying ground of their former parish, which 
 might, perhaps, prove the means of depriying him of 
 his victim, after all. To settle the important point, he 
 one day made bold to step up to Caverhil), where the 
 family in question resided. He asked for Mrs S — ^ 
 
Scottish Anecdotes, 229 
 
 of whom he had some previous acquaintance, and was 
 shown into a room. Mrs S. was too unwell to see 
 him, but Miss S., her daughter, came in her place, 
 John introduced himself with a thousand bows and 
 scrapes, and began a long string of well-learned con- 
 dolences upon the subject of Mr Walter's illness. 
 How did she think he was ? Was ' there ony chance 
 o' his winnin' through 1 ' What hopes did the doctor 
 give them? etc., etc. After half-an-hour of tiresome 
 common-place, and when the young man's illness had 
 been amply discussed, and considerable hopes of his 
 recovery expressed by his sister, John terminated the 
 conversation with the decisive question, — 'But, dear 
 me, Miss S., whar do ye bury? Hae ye grund in 
 Stobo, or do ye intend to tak up wi' Manor ? ' Miss 
 S. was confounded at the atrocious impudence of the 
 wretch, and permitted him to depart, without gratify- 
 ing his inquiries. 
 
 Robert Fairgrieve, for many years bedral and grave- 
 digger to the parish of Ancrum, in Roxburghshire, was- 
 a man of some humour. The minister one day met 
 him coming home, sooner than was to be expected, 
 from Jedburgh fair, and inquired the reason for such 
 strange conduct, since most of his fellow parishioners 
 would probably stay till midnight, if not till next 
 morning. 'Oh, sir,' said Robert, 'huz that axeajfice- 
 bearers ' (meaning the minister and himself) ' should 
 be ensamples to the flock.' 
 
 When this strange person was on his deathbed, the 
 minister visited him for the purpose of administering 
 
2$o Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 some ghostly offices to his soul. He was surprised to find 
 him in a somewhat restless and discontented humour, 
 and not comporting himself exactly as a dying man 
 ought to do. On the clergyman inquiring into the cause 
 of his uneasiness, *0h, sir,' said Robert, 'I was just 
 mindin' that I've buriet five hunder and ninety-eight 
 folk since I was first made bedral o' Ancrum, and I 
 was anxious that, if it were His holy will, I might be 
 spaired to male it the sax hunder.' 
 
 Robin Hannah, who, for nearly half a century, 
 •exercised the trade of grave-digger in the burial-ground 
 attached to the Secession meeting-house at Falkirk, 
 had many of the professional peculiarities of his tribe. 
 For instance, Robin would exert himself in accommo- 
 dating a good person, or one for whom he entertained 
 sentiments of friendship ; and proportionally grudged 
 his labours in behalf of persons comparatively worth- 
 less. Somebody one day remarked to him, that the 
 sod upon a particular grave was very fresh and green. 
 ' Ay, it's a bonnie turr,' he answered emphatically ; 
 * but it's a pity to see it putten down on the tap o' sic 
 a skemp.' On another occasion, some one observed 
 him suddenly stop in the newly begun work of forming 
 a grave, and take his way towards the place where his 
 implements were deposited, from which he selected 
 one, and then returned, with a face lighted by a 
 peculiar expression. On being questioned as to his 
 motive for this proceeding, he answered, ' Od, he was 
 sic a fine chiel ' (meaning the individual for whom he 
 was digging the grave), ' that I just thocht I wad 
 howk his grave wi' the new spade.' 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 231 
 
 It may perhaps be supposed, by people of a super- 
 ficial way of thinking, that there is no particular art 
 or craft to be exercised in grave -digging, and conse- 
 quently no gradation in the merits of grave-diggers. 
 There could not be a greater mistake. We believe it 
 quite possible that grave-digging may be looked upon 
 by the profession itself — and they only give the sub- 
 ject that deep attention it deserves — as one of the fine 
 arts., or at least as an art which, in its best productions 
 may yield to the contemplative observer a certain de- 
 gree of pleasure. A lady of our acquaintance, when a 
 girl, was drawn by childish curiosity to spend much of 
 her time in overlooking the operations of Robin Han- 
 nah. Often, on these occasions, he would say to her, 
 for the purpose of getting quit of her surveillance, 
 which somehow or other was disagreeable to the old 
 man, ' Gang awa, my leddie, gang awa the noo, and 
 if ye're a gude bairn, I'll maybe let ye see the grave 
 when it's dune.' We make no doubt that Robin con- 
 sidered this a sufficient recompense for any act of self- 
 denial he could have called upon her to perform. An- 
 other fills Robin's place, and he now reposes quietly 
 beneath the green sod he so often spread for others. 
 
 MR DURHAM OF LARGO. 
 
 A Scottish nobleman, whose two younger brothers 
 distinguished themselves very eminently in public life, 
 but who was himself chiefly known by his extraordinary 
 self- approbation, remarked one day, in conversation 
 with Mr Durham of Largo, that his mother had left a 
 large fortune to her children. ' Is it possible?' said 
 
232 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 Mr Durham ; ' I never heard that she had a large for- 
 tune to leave.' 'Yes, sir,' said his lordship gravely, 
 ' a large intellectual fortune ! ' ' True, my lord, ' re- 
 plied Mr Durham ; ' I now^ perfectly understand you j 
 and she acted as every prudent mother ought, — she left 
 her whole fortune to her younger children.' 
 
 MATRIMONIAL PREPARATIONS. 
 
 One of these younger brothers met Mr Durham, and 
 told him that he was just making preparations, by 
 painting (pronounced in Scotland, penting) his house, 
 etc., for bringing home a second wife, whom he was on 
 the point of marrying. * Weel, weel, Harry,' quoth 
 the witty laird, ' ye may pent away— and ye may also 
 re-pent. ' 
 
 RANDOM TRANSLATION. 
 
 The nobleman above mentioned was remarkable for 
 two other things besides a disposition to self-applause 
 — penuriousness, and a turn for daubing all the objects 
 around his house with classical inscriptions. At the 
 end of the avenue leading up to one of his country 
 houses, he had the following upon one of the piers of 
 the gateway : — 
 
 ' Placidam sub libertate quietem.' 
 A countryman, who one day stood gazing on the mystic 
 words, was accosted by his lordship, with a question 
 if he understood what he was reading. ' Ou ay,' re- 
 plied the rustic, ' it means that travellers are far mair 
 welcome to gang by than to ride up the avenue.' 
 
 THE CREAM OF THE JEST. 
 
 At the time of the joint-stock mania in 1825, a com 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 235 
 
 pany was established in Edinburgh for the purpose of 
 supplying the town with milk. Nothing could have 
 been more unnecessary, as, supposing that it had been 
 better to purchase this household article from a com- 
 pany than from individuals, it might have been quite 
 properly and naturally allied to the Water Company,, 
 which already existed. However, at the time so con- 
 fident were the hopes of the directors of the concern, 
 that they bought a small property in the neighbour 
 hood of the town, for the purpose of carrying on their 
 business, for which they paid a sum far above its value^ 
 After their concern was set agoing, they were so polite 
 towards the former proprietor, the late Provost Alex- 
 ander Henderson, as to send him a present of some 
 milk, by way of first-fruits. In returning his best 
 thanks for this attention, he added, with much good- 
 humour, that he believed they might have spared them- 
 selves the trouble, as he suspected he had already had 
 the cream of the jest. The event has proved the worthy 
 provost to be a prophet as well as a wit. 
 
 CHOOSING A PROi-ESSION. 
 
 An old Scotch laird, who was engaged in selecting 
 a liberal profession for his son, thus delivered his 
 thoughts upon the subject: — 'When I gang through 
 the New Toon o' Edinburgh, I see this ane Vriter, 
 and that ane Vriter— zxasSsX. every house has a Vriter 
 leeving in't. Fient hae me but I think I'll hae to mak 
 our Jock a Vriter too ; no that I think the callant likely 
 ever to make ony thing by't, but just it may aiblins 
 keep the lave aff him. ' 
 
2 34 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 SONS versus DAUGHTERS. 
 
 A gentleman of the same genus was once in a com- 
 pany where it came to be disputed, whether it was 
 better for a man to have sons or daughters? When 
 asked for his opinion, he gave the following sage re- 
 sponse : — 'I hae had three lads and three lasses; I 
 watna whilk o' them I liked best, sae lang as they 
 sookit their mother ; but deil hae my share o' the 
 callants when they began to sook their faither I ' 
 
 REPENTANCE TOWER — AN IMPROVED VERSION. 
 
 Sir Richard Steele is said to have once been travel- 
 ling through Dumfriesshire, along with a companion as 
 lively and regardless as himself, when they came up to 
 a little shepherd boy, who sat by the wayside reading 
 his Bible, not far from Repentance Tower. Deter- 
 mined to quiz the young Christian, one of the party 
 said to him, ' Pray, my lad, can you tell us, after reading 
 that book so attentively, which is the road to Heaven ? ' 
 * Ou, ay,' answered the boy : ' ye'll hae to haud ower by 
 that toor. ' Being previously acquainted with the tower 
 and its strange name, they felt the hit, but, resolved 
 still to prosecute the joke, asked the boy if he could 
 now tell them the way to Hell ? ' Ay,' replied he, ' ye've 
 just to haud straucht on the same road ye 're gaun ye 
 now, instead o' turnin' yont by the toor, and ye're sure to 
 come till't.' [This witty youth was in reality a gentle- 
 4Tian's son, set, secundu77i viorem Scoticum, to herd 
 cattle, and his family are still in possession of large 
 estates in Dumfriesshire.] 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 235 
 
 HIGHLAND QUARTER. 
 
 A Highlander (whose regiment having been sur- 
 rounded, had cut their way out with the broad sword, 
 with the loss of half their number), being the last in 
 retreating, and highly chafed, was stopped by a for- 
 ward Frenchman returning from the pursuit, who 
 charged him with his bayonet ; but soon finding the 
 disadvantage of his weapon, cried out ' Quarter! ' 
 'Quarter ye,' said Donald, *te muckle teefil may 
 quarter ye for me ! Py my soul I'se nae time to 
 quarter ye ; ye maun e'en be contentit to be cuttit 
 in twa ! ' making his head fly from his shoulders. 
 
 A MORE- ALE STORY. 
 
 It is a current story in Teviotdale, that, in the house 
 of an ancient family of distinction, much addicted to 
 the Presbyterian cause, a Bible was always put into 
 the sleeping apartment of the guests, along with a 
 strong bottle of ale. On some occasion there was a 
 meeting of the clergymen in the vicinity of the castle, 
 all of whom were invited to dinner by the worthy 
 baronet, and several abode all night. According to 
 the fashion of the times, several of the reverend guests 
 were allotted to one large barrack-room, which was 
 used on such occasions of extended hospitality. The 
 butler took care that the divines were presented, ac- 
 cording to custom, each with a Bible and a bottle of 
 ale. But after a little consultation among themselves, 
 they are said to have recalled the domestic as he was 
 leaving the apartment. ' My friend,' said one of the 
 venerable guests, 'you must know, when we meet 
 together as brethren, the youngest minister reads aloud 
 
236 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 a portion of the Scriptures to the rest ; only one Bible, 
 therefore, is necessary ; take away the other six, and^ 
 in their place, bring six more bottles of ale.' 
 
 ANECDOTE OF THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR. 
 
 Nothing galls the national pride of a true-blue Scot 
 more than the liberties that have been taken with that 
 article of the Union which expressly declared that 
 Britain should be the only recognised designation of 
 the United Kingdoms of Scotland and England. The 
 King of England, the English Ambassador, the 
 English Army, the English Fleet, etc., are therefore 
 terms particularly offensive to a Scottish ear. An in- 
 stance of this feeling occurred at the battle of Trafal- 
 gar. Two Scotchmen, messmates and bosom cronies,. 
 from the same little clachan, happened to be stationed 
 near each other, when the celebrated intimation was 
 displayed from the Admiral's ship. ' For Gudsake, 
 look up, and read yon, Jock,' said the one to the other; 
 " England expects every man to do his duty " — no a 
 word frae puir auld Scotland on this occasion.' Jock 
 cocked his eye at the object for a moment, and turn- 
 ing to his companion, thus addressed him : — * Man,^ 
 Geordie, is that a' your sense? — Scotland kens weel 
 enough that her bairns will do their duty — thafs just 
 a hint io the Englishers.'' 
 
 MOCK TESTAMENT. 
 
 An old gentleman was one evening amusing the 
 junior branches of his family, and a number of their 
 young acquaintances, by making up a sort of imagin- 
 ary will, in which he destined so much to one and so^ 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 237 
 
 much to another ; the eight-day clock to this niece or 
 nephew, the bed to that, the table to a third, and so 
 <jn. ' But what will ye leave to me, Mr K — d ? ' said 
 a lady who felt impatient to know what was to be her 
 lot. ' I'll leave you otit, ' replied the testator. 
 
 THORUS AUT PATIBULUM, 
 
 Everybody is familiar with the mode of life prac- 
 tised some two or three hundred years ago on the 
 Scottish borders. When a housewife ran out of but- 
 cher-meat, she either presented a pair of spurs under 
 cover at dinner, as a hint that her sons and husband 
 should ride out to obtain a supply, or, if inclined to be 
 a little more provident, informed them in the forenoon 
 that the * hough was in the pot,' thereby insinuating 
 that her beef-barrel was reduced to its last and worst 
 fragment. 
 
 It is told that Scott of Harden, the ancestor of a 
 very respectable family, which still flourishes on the 
 border, was one day coming home with a large drove 
 of cattle, which he had lifted, as the phrase went, in 
 some of the dales of Cumberland, when he happened 
 to espy a large haystack in a farm-yard by the way- 
 side, which appeared to him as if it could have 
 foddered his prey for half the winter. Vexed to think 
 that this could not also be lifted, the chieftain looked 
 at it very earnestly, and said, with bitter and emphatic 
 expression, ' By my saul, if ye had four feet, ye should 
 gang too.' 
 
 A member of this family was what might have then 
 been called unfortunate in one of his enterprises. 
 Having invaded the territories of Sir Gideon Murray 
 
238 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 ot Elibank, ancestor of the noble family of that name 
 and title, he was inveigled by the latter into an am- 
 buscade, and taken, as it were, in the very act. 
 Murray, being an officer of state, thought himself 
 bound to make an example of the offender, and he 
 accordingly gave orders to the unfortunate Harden to 
 prepare for immediate execution. 
 
 Elated with his victory, he went home and com- 
 municated his intention to his lady. ' Are you mad ? ' 
 said her ladyship ; ' would you hang the young laird 
 of Harden, you that has sae mony unmarried dauchters ? 
 Na, na ; it'll be a hantle mair wiselike to mak the 
 young laird marry ane o' them.' The eloquence of 
 ihe lady prevailed ; and, as young Harden was in 
 perilous circumstances, and was expected gladly to ac- 
 cept of any alternative to avoid an ignominious death, 
 it was resolved that he should wed ' Muckle-mou'd 
 Meg,' the third daughter of the family, who was dis- 
 tinguished by what, in modern phraseology, is termed 
 an ' open countenance ; ' that is, in less metaphorical 
 language, her mouth extended from ear to ear. The 
 alternative was accordingly proposed to the culprit^ 
 but, to the astonishment of all concerned, it was at 
 once rejected. 'Weel, weel, young man,' says the 
 laird of Elibank, ' ye's get till the morn's mornin' to 
 think aboot it,' and so saying, left the young laird in 
 \iis dungeon to his own agreeable reflections. 
 
 In the morning, Harden, after a sleepless night, 
 looked out from the window, or rather hole of his cell, 
 and saw the gallows erected in the yard, and all the 
 apparatus of death prepared. His heart failed him 
 and he began to think that life, even though spent in 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 239 
 
 the society of ' Muckle-mou'd Meg,' was not a thing 
 to be rashly thrown away. He declared his willing- 
 ness, therefore, to accept of the maiden's hand. There 
 were no marriage laws in those days — no proclamation 
 of banns — no session-clerk's fees. Mess John* was 
 sent for, and the indissoluble knot was tied. 
 
 Nor did Harden ever repent of his bargain ; for 
 Meg, notwithstanding the deformity from which she 
 took her name, was in fact one of the best creatures in 
 existence, possessed of a great fund of excellent sense, 
 and withal a handsome personable woman. She 
 turned out an admirable wife, managed the house- 
 hold of Harden with the utmost propriety ; and a 
 union which had taken place under such extraordinarjr 
 circumstances, and with such very unpromising auspices 
 was in the highest degree cordial and constant. 
 
 SERMON EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 A half-witted itinerant preacher, well known in the 
 county of Ayr, was stopped one evening, on the road 
 to Stewarton, by a band of shearers, who insisted on 
 his retiring to a neighbouring field to ^iv& them a 
 sermon. After many attempts on his part to get off,, 
 and threats on theirs, if he did not comply, the honest 
 man was at last compelled to consent ; and, from the 
 back of his shaggy-haired sheltie, he delivered to 
 his barefooted audience the following extemporaneous 
 effusion, taking for his text these words: — 'Naked 
 came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I 
 return thither.' Job, ist chapter, and 21st verse. 
 * In discoursing from these words,' said the preacher^ 
 
 * The priest was commonly so called, from the word mass. 
 
240 Scottish Anecdotes. ^ 
 
 *\ shall observe the three following things: — u/ 
 Man's ingress into the world ; 2.dly, His progress 
 through the world ; and, 2>dly, His egress out of the 
 world. 
 
 ''First, — Man's ingress into the world is naked 
 
 and bare ; 
 Secondly. — His progress through the world is 
 
 trouble and care ; 
 Thirdly^ —His egress out of the world is nobody 
 
 knows where. 
 To conclude, — If we do well here, we shall do well 
 there : 
 And I could tell you no more were I 
 to preach a whole year.' 
 
 WISE FOR ONCE. 
 
 The Rev. T — G — is not exactly a mad minister , 
 he is very clever, very eccentric, and what the country 
 people call a ' wee skeer.' The individual who gives 
 these anecdotes to the world attended the church of 
 Cupar-Fife, one Sunday, during the hot summer of 
 1826, when Mr G — was to preach instead of the 
 regular clergyman. On mounting the rostrum, the 
 reverend gentleman doffed his heavy black gown, and, 
 with the gesture which indicated how intolerable he 
 had already found it, on account of the heat, threAv it 
 across the edge of the pulpit. At that moment, the 
 writer heard a rustic who sat before him whisper to a 
 companion, 'Weel, he's wise there at least.* 
 
 CONSOLATION. 
 
 One of the numerous popular stories told in ridicule 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 241 
 
 of the Scottish Highlanders, is pointed by a very droll 
 and laconic expression. A north-country man, travel- 
 ling one day upon a road, met a black snail, which, 
 under the mistaken idea that it was a dried plum, he 
 took up, and proceeded to eat. On biting oft" and 
 swallowing a part of the body, he discovered what it 
 was ; whereupon, being unwilling to acknowledge his 
 disgust, and wishing rather to conceal, if possible, 
 from himself, the real sentiment under an affected one, 
 he threw away the remainder ot the creature, with this 
 angry ejaculation : — ' Cot tam ! — tak ye tat for being 
 sae like a plhum-taimas ! ' 
 
 HINT TO EMIGRANTS. 
 
 An acquaintance of Bailie M*G — , of D — , made a 
 grievous plaint to him one day of the hard times, and 
 the impossibility of scraping together a livelihood in 
 this wretched country. The bailie's own experience 
 ran directly counter to these dolorous croakings, for his 
 industry had realised a handsome competence ; but he 
 knew too much of the world to attempt proving to the 
 complainer that ill success might be partly his own 
 fault. He contented himself with remarking that it 
 was surely possible for a tradesman to draw togethei 
 a tolerable business. 'Not in this country,' his friend 
 repeated. ' Weel, then,' said the bailie, ' what say ye 
 to emigration? I have heard that some push their 
 way geyan weel at Hobart Town or the Cape.' ' Yes,' 
 replied his desponding townsman, ' that might be the 
 case aince in a day ; but, if there is business there, 
 there are mair folk now than can get a share o't.' 
 * Weel, it's maybe true ye say,' rejoined the bailie, 
 Q 
 
242 Scottish AnecdoteSi 
 
 whose policy it was never to contradict any man 
 directly ; ' but ye micht gang farther — ye micht gang 
 up into the interior.' 'There's naething,' said the in- 
 veterate grumbler, — ' there's naething there but kanga- 
 roos.' The worthy magistrate was something nettled 
 at this pertinacious hopelessness, and, concluding that 
 kangaroos were a tribe of native savages, among whom 
 a careful pedlar might make indifferent good bargains, 
 he replied hastily, ' Weel, aweel, and isna a kangaroo's 
 siller as good as another man's ? ' 
 
 FRUITS IN THEIR SEASON. 
 
 The following smart repartee was made the other 
 day by one of the amazons of the ' creel,' on her way 
 to Fisherrow : — She was carrying on her back a wicker 
 cradle, which attracted the notice of a gentleman walk- 
 ing behind her, who remarked good-humouredly, ' Ah 
 ha ! Peggy, you seem burdened with the fruits of matri- 
 mony.' On which, with the ready wit of the sister- 
 hood, she instantly exclaimed, ' Hech, sirs! but ye're 
 far wrang, sir ; do ye no see it's only Xhe friiii basket ? ' 
 
 HIGHLAND ANCP:STRY. 
 
 The following is an amusing instance of the tenacity 
 with which the Highlanders hold to the honours and 
 antiquity of their kindred : — A dispute arose between 
 Campbell and M'Lean upon the never-ending subject. 
 M'Lean would not allow that the Campbells had any 
 right to rank with the M'Leans in antiquity, who, he 
 insisted, were in existence as a clan from the begin- 
 ning of the world. Campbell had a little more bibli- 
 cal lore than his antagonist, and asked him if the Clan 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 243 
 
 M'Lean was before the flood. ' Flood ! what flood ? ' 
 said M'Lean. 'The flood that you know drowned all 
 the world but Noah and his family and his flocks,' 
 said Campbell. ' Pooh ! you and your flood,' said 
 M'Lean, ' my clan was afore ta flood. ' * I have not 
 read in my Bible,' said Campbell, of the name of 
 M'Lean going into Noah's ark.' ' Noah's ark ! ' re- 
 torted M'Lean in contempt, ' who ever heard of a 
 M'Lean tat had not a boat of his own ? ' 
 
 A poor old deaf man, residing in a Fifeshire village, 
 was visited one day by the parish clergyman, who had 
 recently taken a resolution to pay such visits regularly 
 to his parishioners, and therefore made a promise to 
 the wife of this villager that he would call occasionally 
 and pray with him. The minister, however, soon fell 
 through his resolution, and did not pay another visit 
 to the deaf man till two years after, when, happening 
 to go through the alley in which the poor man lived, 
 he found the wife at the door, and therefore could not 
 avoid inquiring for her husband. * Well, Margaret,' 
 said the minister, ' how is Thamas ? ' * Nae the better 
 o' you,' was the rather curt answer. * How, how, Mar- 
 garet ? ' inquired the minister. * Ou, ye promised twa 
 years syne to ca' and pray ance a fortnight wi' him, 
 and ye never ance darkened the door sin syne. ' ' Well, 
 well, Margaret, don't be so short. I thought it was 
 not so very necessary to call and pray with Thamas, 
 for he's deaf, you know, and cannot hear me.' * But, 
 sir,' rejoined the woman, ^ the Lord's no deaf ' And 
 
2 44 Scottish A7Ucdotes. 
 
 the indolent clerg^Tnan shrunk abashed from the 
 cottage. 
 
 •the man, my lord.' 
 * Vtrumque cano.' — Virg. 
 A circumstance occurred some years ago at a Cir- 
 cuit Court of justiciary, in presence of a judge whose 
 peculiarities of temper and manner were more than 
 compensated by his many excellent qualities. Their 
 lordships and suite had just met, and were proceeding 
 to investigate a rather interesting case, when their de- 
 liberations were interrupted by a continued knocking 
 at the outer court-door. Again and again the shrill- 
 tongued macer ejaculated, ' Silence ! silence there ! ' 
 to little or no purpose. At length the judge ex- 
 claimed, 'What's the meaning of all that noise? 
 Macer — officers — what are you all about, that you 
 don't put an end to that constant shuffle-shuffling ? 
 — Officer. 'It's a man, my lord.' — -Judge. 'A man! 
 what man, sir? who, where is he, and what does he 
 want ? ' — Officer. ' He's at the outside, please your lord- 
 ship, and wants to get vn..''— Judge. ' Well, keep him 
 ^ui ; keep him out, I say, sir.' The officer bowed 
 or nodded assent, and the business of the court pro- 
 ceeded. By-and-by, however, an individual possess- 
 ing the right of entree walked into the hall of justice, 
 and the man, watching his opportunity, slipped in at 
 the same time. By a levity and restlessness, however, 
 by no means uncommon, he had not been well in till 
 he wished to get out again— applying, perhaps, to a 
 court of law. what Chaucer presumptuously says of the 
 blessed state of matrimony, — 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 245 
 
 ' Marriage is like a rabble route : 
 Those that are out would fain be ui, 
 And those that are in would fain be out.' 
 With this he began to jostle everybody near him, a 
 proceeding which, as it created a new hubbub, neces- 
 sarily drew forth a fresh rebuke from the president 
 of the court. — -Judge. ' What's all this now ? Even if 
 my ears were as sharp as those of Dionysius, and the 
 room in which I sit as well contrived as the celebrated 
 vault in which he kept his prisoners, it would be im- 
 possible for me to hear one word that the witness is 
 saying.' — Officer. 'It's the ??ian, my lord.'— Judge. 
 'What! the same man?' — Ocffier. 'Theverra same.' 
 — fudge. ' Well, what does he want ? ' — Officer. ' He 
 wants to get out, please your worship.' — Judge. 
 ' Wants to get out ! Then keep him in ; keep him in y 
 I say, sir.' The obedient officer did as he was directed; 
 but the persevering ' man ' was not to be so easily 
 driven from his purpose. Watching an opportunity, 
 and elbowing his way to an open wmdow, he attempted 
 to mount to the sill, and appeared, contrary to all rule^ 
 to be meditating his escape in that direction ; but the 
 vigilant officer again caught the delinquent, and, again 
 interfering, a fresh tumult ensued. His lordship ap- 
 peared angry, as well he might, and a third time ex- 
 claimed. ' What's the matter now ? Is there to be 
 no end to this? — Officer. It's the man, my lord.' — 
 Judge. ' What ! the same man again ! Show me the 
 fellow, and I'll man him.' The officer here pointed 
 to a respectable enough looking individual, who, as 
 he said, ' wanted to get up. '—Judge. ' Well, keep him 
 down' There was silence foi a minute or two, but 
 
246 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 the disturber of the court contrived to effect hiS pur- 
 pose ; and it was not long till he began to testify as 
 much dissatisfaction with his elevation, as he had done 
 in all his former situations. The business was once 
 more interrupted, and the judge demanded what was 
 the matter. The officer informed him that the man 
 had cruppen up on tVie window-sole, and wanted to 
 get down again. — /zidge, ' Up on the window-sole ! 
 Well, keep him up ; keep him up, I say, sir, if it 
 should be to the day of judgment ! ' (perhaps his lord- 
 ship meant the hour of judgment). It is almost need- 
 less to add, that these successive interruptions threw 
 the audience into a roar of laughter, and that the in- 
 corrigible * man,' while held in durance on the window- 
 sole, had far more eyes turned upon him than either 
 the prisoners or witnesses at the bar. 
 
 DAVID HUME. 
 
 A certain person, to show his detestation of Hume's 
 Infidel opinions, always left any company where he 
 happened to be, if Hume joined it. The latter, ob- 
 serving thiM, ^ok occasion one day to reprehend it as 
 follows : — ' Friend,' said he, * I am surprised to find 
 you display such a pointed aversion to me ; I would 
 wish to be upon good terms with you here, as, upon 
 your own system, it seems very probable we shall be 
 doomed to the same place hereafter. You hope / 
 shall be damned for want of faith, and I fear you wi. 
 have the same fate for want of charity.' 
 
 INTESTINAL WARDROBE. 
 
 An ancestor of Sir Walter Scott joined the Pr^ 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 247 
 
 tender, and, with his brother, was engaged in that 
 nnfortunate adventure, which ended in a skirmish and 
 captivity at Preston, in 17 15. It was the fashion of 
 those times for all persons of the rank of gentlemen to 
 wear scarlet waistcoats. A ball had struck one of the 
 brothers, and carried a part of this dress into his body ; 
 and in this condition he was taken prisoner, with a 
 number of his companions, and stript, as was too often 
 the practice in these remorseless civil wars. Thus 
 wounded, and nearly naked, having only a shirt on, 
 and an old sack about him, the ancestor of the great 
 poet was sitting, along with his brother and a hundred 
 and fifty unfortunate gentlemen, in a granary at Pres- 
 ton. The wounded man fell sick, as the story goes, 
 and vomited the scarlet, which the ball had forced 
 into the wound. * L — d, Wattie ! ' cried his brother, 
 ' if you have got a wardrobe in your wame, I wish you 
 would vomit me a pair of breeks, for I have meikle 
 need of them.' The wound afterwards healed. 
 
 BAROMETER OF CONVIVIALITY. 
 
 There was great fancy and infinite drollery in the 
 remark made seventy years ago by a town-clerk of 
 Colinsburgh in Fife, as to his predilections in the way 
 of drinking, ' I like,' said the clerk (his name was 
 Fair — but though he began with fair weather, he ended 
 with very foul) — ' I like,' said he, ' a gentle dew i' the 
 morning — a skurroch* i' the forenoon — a smart shower 
 after dinner — and a Lammas speat again nicht.' 
 
 * A skurroch is the slightest possible fall of rain, a flying 
 shower in the midst of sunshine. 
 
248 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 woman's wisdom. 
 One of the Cecil family, minister to Scotland from 
 England, was speaking to Mary, Queen ol Scots, of 
 the wisdom of his sovereign, Queen Elizabeth. Mary 
 stopped him short by saying, ' Pray, sir, don't talk to 
 me ot the wisdom of a woman ; I think I know my 
 own sex pretty, well, and can assure you, that the wisest 
 of us all is only a little less a fool than the others.' 
 
 MERCANTILE INDIGESTION, WITH THE PRESCRIP- 
 TIONS OF AN EDINBURGH PROFESSOR.* 
 
 Scene — Doctor s Study. 
 Enter a douce-looking Glasgow Merchant. 
 
 Patient. — Good morning, doctor; I'm just come in 
 to Edinburgh aboot some law business, and I thocht, 
 when I was here at ony rate, I might 'ust as weel tak 
 your advice, sir, anent my trouble. 
 
 Doctor. — And pray what may your trouble be, my 
 good sir ? 
 
 P. — 'Deed, doctor, I'm no very sure ; but I'm 
 thinking it's a kind of weakness that makes me dizzy 
 at times, and a kind of pinkling about my stamack — 
 just no richt. 
 
 Dr. — You're from the west country, I should 
 suppose, sir ? 
 
 P. — Yes, sir, frae Glasgow. 
 
 Dr. — Ay. Pray, sir, are you a gourmand — a glutton ? 
 
 P. — God forbid, sir ! I'm one of the plainest men 
 living in all the west country. 
 
 * Dr Gregory was what is called * a starving doctor,' that is, 
 one who used to attempt the cure of diseases by reducing the 
 system. 
 
Scottish Anecdotes. 249 
 
 Dr. — Then, perhaps, you're a drunkard ? 
 
 P. — No, doctor ; thank God, no one can accuse me 
 of that : I'm of the Dissenting persuasion, doctor, and 
 an elder ; so ye may suppose I'm nae drunkard. 
 
 Dr. — {Aside — I'll suppose no such thing, till you 
 tell me your mode of life. ) I'm so much puzzled with 
 your symptoms, sir, that I should wish to hear in de- 
 rail what you eat and drink. When do you break- 
 fast, and what do you take to it ? 
 
 F. — I breakfast at nine o'clock. I tak a cup of 
 coffee, and one or two cups of tea ; a couple of eggs, 
 and a bit of ham or kipper'd salmon, or may be both, 
 if they're good, and two or three rolls and butter. 
 
 Dr. — Do you eat no honey, or jelly, or jam, to 
 breakfast? 
 
 F. — Oh yes, sir ; but I don't count that as anything. 
 
 Dr. — Come, this is a very moderate breakfast. 
 What kind of dinner do you make ? 
 
 F. — Oh, sir, I eat a very plain dinner indeed. 
 Some soup, and some fish, and a little plain roast or 
 boiled ; for I dinna care for made dishes ; I think, 
 some way, they never satisfy the appetite. 
 
 Dr. — You take a little pudding, then, and after- 
 wards some cheese ? 
 
 F. — Oh yes ; though I don't care much about them. 
 
 Dr. — You take a glass of ale or porter with your 
 cheese ? 
 
 F. — Yes, one or the other, but seldom both. 
 
 Dr. — You west country people generally take a 
 glass of Highland whisky after dinner ? 
 
 F. — ^Yes, we do ; it's good for digestion. 
 
 Dr. — Do you take any wine during dinner 
 
250 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 P. — Yes, a glass or two of sherry ; but I m indiffer- 
 ent as to wine during dinner. I drink a good deal of 
 beer. 
 
 Dr. — What quantity of port do you drink ? 
 
 P. — Oh, very little; not above half-a-dozen glasses 
 or so. 
 
 Dr. — In the west country, it is impossible, I hear, 
 to dine without punch ? 
 
 P. — Yes, sir; indeed 'tis punch we drink chiefly; 
 but, for myself, unless I happen to have a friend with 
 me, I never tak more than a couple of tumblers or so 
 — and that's moderate. 
 
 Dr. — Oh, exceedingly moderate indeed! You 
 then, after this slight repast, take some tea, and bread 
 and butter? 
 
 P. — Yes, before I go to the counting-house to read 
 the evening letters. 
 
 Dr. — And, on your return, you take supper, I 
 suppose ? 
 
 P. — No, sir, I canna be said to tak supper ; just 
 something before going to bed : a rizzer'd haddock, or 
 a bit of toasted cheese, or half a hundred of oysters, 
 or the like o' that ; and, may be, two-thirds of a bottle 
 of ale ; but I tak no regular supper. 
 
 Dr. — But you take a little more punch after that ? 
 
 P. — No, sir ; punch does not agree with me at bed- 
 time. I tak a tumbler of warm whisky toddy at 
 night ; it's lighter to sleep on. 
 
 Dr. — So it must be, no doubt. This, you say, is 
 your every-day life ; but, upon great occasions, you 
 perhaps exceed a little ? 
 
 /'. — No, sir, except when a friend or two dine with 
 
Scottish A-necdotes. 251 
 
 me, or I dine out, which, as I am a sober family man, 
 does not often happen. 
 
 Dr. — Not above twice a- week? 
 
 P, — No ; not oftener. 
 
 Dr.- -Of course you sleep well, and have a good 
 appetite ? 
 
 P. — Yes, sir, thank God, I have ; indeed, any wee 
 harl o' health that I hae is about meal-time. 
 
 Dr. — (Assuming a severe look, knitting his brows, 
 and lowering his eyebrows.) Now, sir, you are a very 
 pretty fellow, indeed ; you come here and tell me that 
 you are a moderate man, and I might have believed 
 you, did I not know the nature of the people in your 
 part of the country ; but, upon examination, I find, by 
 your own showing, that you are a most voracious glut- 
 ton ; you breakfast in the morning in a style that 
 w ould serve a moderate man for dinner ; and, from 
 five o'clock in the afternoon, you undergo one almost 
 uninterrupted loading of your stomach till you go to 
 bed. This is your moderation ! You told me, too, 
 another falsehood — you said you were a sober man ; 
 yet, by your own showing, you are a beer swiller, a 
 dram drinker, a wine bibber, and a guzzler of Glasgow 
 punch ; a liquor, the name of which is associated, in 
 my mind, only with the ideas of low company and 
 beastly intoxication. You tell vie you eat indigestible 
 suppers, and swill toddy to force sleep — I see that 
 you chew tobacco. Now, sir, what human stomach 
 can stand this? Go home, sir, and leave off your 
 present course of riotous living — take some dry toast 
 and tea to your breakfast — some plain meat and soup 
 for dinner, without adding to it anything to spur orv 
 
252 Scottish Anecdotes. 
 
 your flagging appetite ; you may take a cup of tea iii 
 the evening, but never let me hear of haddocks and 
 toasted cheese, and oysters, with their accompaniments 
 of ale and toddy at night ; give up chewing that vile, 
 narcotic, naseous abomination, and there are some 
 hopes that your stomach may recover its tone, and you 
 be in good health like your neighbours. 
 
 P. — I'm sure, doctor, I'm very much obliged to you 
 — (taking out a bunch of bank notes) — I shall endea- 
 vour to — 
 
 Dr. — Sir, you are not obliged to me — put up your 
 money, sir. Do you think 111 take a fee from you for 
 telling you what you knew as well as myself? Though 
 you are no physician, sir, you are not altogether a fool. 
 You have read your Bible, and must know that drunk- 
 enness and gluttony are both sinful and dangerous ; 
 and, whatever you may think, you have this day con- 
 fessed to me that you are a notorious glutton and 
 drunkard. Go home, sir, and reform, or, take my 
 word for it, your life is not worth half a year's purchase. 
 Exit Patient, dum founded, and looking blue. 
 
 Dr. — {Solus.) Sober and temperate ! Dr Watt 
 tried to live in Glasgow, and make his patients live 
 moderately, and purged and bled them when they 
 were sick ; but it would not do. Let the Glasgow 
 doctors prescribe beefsteaks and rum punch, and the-" 
 fortune is made. 
 
 i^otstoK and Company, P7'inters, Edinburgk.