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THE UNIFORM EDITION OF 
 THE PLAYS OF J. M. BARRIE 
 
 THE ADMIRABLE 
 CRICHTON 
 
Copvricnt, 1918, By 
 J. M. BARRIE 
 
 Printed in the United States of America 
 
 All rights reserved under the International Copyright Act. 
 Performance forbidden and right of representation reserved. 
 Application for the right of performing this play must be 
 made to Charles Frohman, Inc., Empire Theatre, New York. 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 In 2022 with funding from 
 University of Illinois Uroana-Champaign Alternates 
 
 https://archive.org/details/admirablecrichtoOObarr_1 
 
ACT I 
 AT LOAM HOUSE, MAYFAIR 
 
 A moment before the curtain rises, the Hon. Ernest 
 Woolley drives up to the door of Loam House in May- 
 fair. There is a happy smile on his pleasant, in- 
 significant face, and this presumably means that he is 
 thinking of himself. He is too busy over nothing, this 
 man about town, to be always thinking of himself, but, 
 on the other hand, he almost never thinks of any other 
 person. Probably Ernest’s great moment is when he 
 wakes of a morning and realises that he really is 
 Ernest, for we must all wish to be that which is our 
 ideal. We can conceive him springing out of bed 
 light-heartedly and waiting for his man to do the rest. 
 He is dressed in excellent taste, with just the litile bit 
 more which shows that he is not without a sense of 
 humour: the dandiacal are often saved by carrying 
 a smile at the whole thing in their spats, let us say. 
 Ernest left Cambridge the other day, a member of the 
 Atheneum (which he would be sorry to have you con- 
 found with a club in London of the same name). He 
 is a bachelor, but not of arts, no mean epigrammatist 
 
 (as you shall see), and a favourite of the ladies. He 
 3 
 
4 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 is almost a celebrity in restaurants, where he dines 
 frequently, returning to sup; and during this last year 
 he has probably paid as much in them for the privilege 
 of handing his hat to an attendant as the rent of a 
 working-man’s flat. He complains brightly that he 
 as hard up, and that if somebody or other at West- 
 minster does not look out the country will go to the dogs. 
 He is no fool. He has the shrewdness to float with the 
 current because it 1s a labour-saving process, but he 
 has sufficient pluck to fight, of fight he must (a brief 
 contest, for he would soon be toppled over). He has 
 a light nature, which would enable him to bob up 
 cheerily in new conditions and return unaltered to the 
 old ones. His selfishness is his most endearing 
 quality. If he has his way he will spend his life like 
 a cat in pushing his betters out of the soft places, and 
 until he is old he will be fondled in the process. 
 
 He gives his hat to one footman and his cane to 
 another, and mounts the great staircase unassisted 
 and undirected. As a nephew of the house he need 
 show no credentials even to Crichton, who is guarding 
 a door above. 
 
 It would not be good taste to describe Crichton, who 
 as only a servant; uf to the scandal of all good houses 
 he is to stand out as a figure in the play, he must do wt 
 on his own, as they say in the pantry and the boudoir. 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 5 
 
 We are not going to help him. We have had mis- 
 givings ever since we found his name in the title, and 
 we shall keep him out of his rights as long as we can. 
 Even though we softened to him he would not be a hero 
 in these clothes of servitude; and he loves his clothes. 
 How to get him out of them? It would require a 
 cataclysm. To be an indoor servant at all rs to 
 Crichton a badge of honour ; to be a butler at thirty 
 ws the realisation of his proudest ambitions. He is 
 devotedly attached to his master, who, in his opinion, 
 has but one fault, he 1s not sufficiently contemptuous of 
 his infervors. We are vmmediately to be introduced to 
 this solitary failing of a great English peer. 
 
 This perfect butler, then, opens a door, and ushers 
 Ernest into a certain room. At the same moment the 
 curtain rises on this room, and the play begins. 
 
 It vs one of several reception-rooms in Loam House, 
 not the most magnificent but quite the softest ; and of 
 a warm afternoon all that those who are anybody crave 
 for ws the softest. The larger rooms are magnificent 
 and bare, carpetless, so that rt 1s an accomplishment 
 to keep one’s feet on them; they are sometimes lent for 
 charitable purposes; they are also all in use on the 
 night of a dinner-party, when you may find yourself 
 alone in one, having taken a wrong turning; or alone, 
 save for two others who are within hailing distance. 
 
6 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [act 
 
 This room, however, is comparatively small and 
 very soft. There are so many cushions in it that 
 you wonder why, uf you are an outsider and don’t 
 know that it needs six cushions to make one fair head 
 comfy. The couches themselves are cushions as large 
 as beds, and there 1s an art of sinking into them and of 
 waiting to be helped out of them. There are several 
 famous paintings on the walls, of which you may say 
 ‘Jolly thing that,’ without losing caste as knowing too 
 much; and in cases there are glorious miniatures, but 
 the daughters of the house cannot tell you of whom; 
 ‘there 1s a catalogue somewhere. There are a 
 thousand or so of roses in basins, several library 
 novels, and a row of weekly illustrated newspapers 
 lying against each other like fallen soldiers. If any 
 one disturbs this row Crichton seems to know of it 
 from afar and appears noiselessly,and replaces the 
 wanderer. One thing unexpected in such a room is 
 a great array of tea things. Ernest spots them with 
 a twinkle, and has his epigram at once unsheathed. 
 He dallies, however, before delivering the thrust. 
 
 ERNEST. I perceive, from the tea cups, 
 Crichton, that the great function is to take 
 place here. 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 7 
 
 CRICHTON (with a respectful sic:.). Yes, sir. 
 
 ERNEST (chuckling heartlessly). The servants’ 
 hall coming up to have tea in the drawing-room ! 
 (With terrible sarcasm.) No wonder you look 
 happy, Crichton. 
 
 CRICHTON (under the knife). No, sir. 
 
 ERNEST. Do you know, Crichton, I think 
 that with an effort you might look even happier. 
 (CRICHTON smiles wanly.) You don’t approve 
 of his lordship’s compelling his servants to be 
 his equals—once a month? 
 
 CRICHTON. It is not for me, sir, to disapprove 
 of his lordship’s Radical views. 
 
 ERNEST. Certainly not. And, after all, it is 
 only once a month that he is affable to you. 
 
 CRICHTON. On all other days of the month, 
 sir, his lordship’s treatment of us is everything 
 that could be desired. 
 
 ERNEST. (This is the epigram.) Tea cups! 
 Life, Crichton, is like a cup of tea; the more 
 heartily we drink, the sooner we reach the 
 dregs. 
 
 CRICHTON (obediently). Thank you, sir. 
 
 ERNEST (becoming confidential, as we doe when 
 
8 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 we have need of an ally). Crichton, in case I 
 should be asked to say a few words to the 
 servants, I have strung together a little speech. 
 (His hand strays to his pocket.) I was wonder- 
 ing where I should stand. 
 
 - (He tries various places and postures, 
 and comes to rest leaning over a high chair, 
 whence, in dumb show, he addresses a 
 gathering. CRICHTON, with the best in- 
 tentions, gives him a footstool to stand on, 
 and departs, happily unconscious that 
 ERNEST in some dudgeon has kicked the 
 footstool across the room.) 
 
 ERNEST (addressing an umaginary audience, and 
 desirous of startling them at once). Suppose 
 you were all little fishes at the bottom of the 
 sea 
 
 (He ws not quite satisfied with his position, 
 though sure that the fault must le with the 
 chair for being too high, not with him for 
 being too short. CRICHTON’S suggestion 
 was not perhaps a bad one after all. He 
 lifts the stool, but hastily conceals tt behind 
 him on the entrance of the LADIES CATHERINE 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 9 
 
 and AGATHA, two daughters of the house. 
 CATHERINE is twenty, and AGATHA two 
 years younger. They are very fashionable 
 young women indeed, who might wake up 
 for a dance, but they are very lazy, 
 CATHERINE being two years lazier. than 
 AGATHA.) 
 
 ERNEST (uneasily jocular, because he is con- 
 cealing the footstool). And how are my little 
 friends to-day ? 
 
 AGATHA (contriving to reach a settee). Don’t 
 be silly, Ernest. If you want to know how we 
 are, we are dead. Even to think of entertain- 
 ing the servants is so exhausting. 
 
 CATHERINE (subsiding nearer the door). Be- 
 sides which, we have had to decide what frocks 
 to take with us on the yacht, and that is such a 
 mental strain. 
 
 ERNEST. You poor over-worked things. (Hvi- 
 dently AGATHA ts his favourite, for he helps her to 
 put her feet on the settee, while CATHERINE has to 
 dispose of her own feet.) Rest your weary limbs. 
 
 CATHERINE (perhaps in revenge). But why 
 have you a footstool in your hand? 
 
10 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 AGATHA. Yes? 
 
 ERNEST. Why? (Brilliantly; but to be sure 
 he has had time to think 2 out.) You see, as the 
 servants are to be the guests I must be butler. 
 I was practising. This is a tray, observe. 
 
 (Holding the footstool as a tray, he minces 
 across the room like an accomplished 
 footman. The gods favour him, for just 
 here LADY MARY enters, and he holds out 
 the footstool to her.) 
 
 Tea, my lady ? 
 
 (LADY MARY 2s a beautiful creature of 
 twenty-two, and is of a natural hauteur 
 which ws at once the fury and the envy of 
 her sisters. If she chooses she can make 
 you seem so insignificant that you feel you 
 might be swept away with the crumb-brush. 
 She seldom chooses, because of the trouble 
 of preening herself as she does tt; she ws 
 usually content to show that you merely 
 tire her eyes. She often seems to be about 
 to go to sleep in the middle of a re- 
 mark: there is quite a long and anxious 
 pause, and then she continues, like a clock 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 11 
 
 that hesitates, bored in the middle of its 
 strike.) 
 
 LADY MARY (arching her brows). It is only 
 you, Ernest; I thought there was some one 
 here (and she also bestows herself on cushions). 
 _ ERNEST (a little piqued, and deserting the foot- 
 stool). Had a very tiring day also, Mary? 
 
 LADY MARY (yawning). Dreadfully. Been 
 trying on engagement-rings all the morning. 
 
 ERNEST (who ws as fond of gossip as the oldest 
 club member). What’s that? (To AGATHA.) 
 Is it Brocklehurst ? 
 
 (The energetic AGATHA nods.) 
 You have given your warm young heart to 
 Brocky ? 
 (LADY MARY ws wmpervious to his humour, 
 but he continues bravely.) 
 I don’t wish to fatigue you, Mary, by insisting 
 on a verbal answer, but if, without straining 
 yourself, you can signify Yes or No, won’t 
 you make the effort? 
 (She indolenily flashes a ring on her 
 most important finger, and he starts 
 back melodramatically.) 
 
12 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 The ring! Then I am too late, too late! 
 (Fixing LADY MARY sternly, like a prosecuting 
 counsel.) May I ask, Mary, does Brocky 
 know? Of course, it was that terrible mother 
 of his who pulled this through. Mother does 
 everything for Brocky. Still, in the eyes of 
 the law you will be, not her wife, but his, and, 
 therefore, I hold that Brocky ought to be 
 informed. Now 
 (He discovers that their languorous eyes 
 have closed.) 
 If you girls are shamming sleep in the ex- 
 pectation that I shall awaken you in the 
 
 manner beloved of ladies, abandon all such 
 hopes. 
 (CATHERINE and AGATHA look up without 
 speaking.) 
 
 LADY MARY (speaking without looking up). 
 You impertinent boy. 
 
 ERNEST (eagerly plucking another epigram 
 from his quiver). I knew that was it, though 
 I don’t know everything. Agatha, I’m not 
 young enough to know everything. 
 
 (He looks hopefully from one to another, 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 13 
 
 but though they try to grasp this, his 
 brillzance baffles them.) 
 
 AGATHA (his secret admirer). Young enough? 
 
 ERNEST (encouragingly). Don’t you see? 
 I’m not young enough to know everything. 
 
 AGATHA. I’m sure it’s awfully clever, but 
 it ’s so puzzling. 
 
 (Here CRICHTON ushers in an athletic, 
 pleasani-faced young clergyman, MR. TRE- 
 HERNE, who greets the company.) 
 
 CATHERINE. Ernest, say it to Mr. Treherne. 
 
 ERNEST. Look here, Treherne, I’m _ not 
 young enough to know everything. 
 
 TREHERNE. How do you mean, Ernest? 
 
 BRNEST (a little netiled). I mean what I 
 say. 
 
 LADY MARY. Say it again; say it more 
 slowly. 
 
 ERNEST. I ’m—not—young—enough—to— 
 know—everytking. 
 
 TREHERNE. I see. What you really mean, 
 my boy, is that you are not old enough to know 
 everything. 
 
 ERNEST. No, I don’t. 
 
14 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON — [act 
 
 TREHERNE. I assure you that’s it. 
 
 LADY MARY. Of course it is. 
 
 CATHERINE. Yes, Ernest, that ’s it. 
 (ERNEST, in desperation, appeals to 
 CRICHTON. ) 
 
 ERNEST. I am not young enough, Crichton, 
 
 to know everything. 
 (Ii ws an anxious moment, but a smile 
 is at length extorted from CRICHTON as 
 with a corkscrew.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Thank you, sir. (He goes.) 
 
 ERNEST (relieved). Ah, if you had that fellow’s 
 head, Treherne, you would find something 
 better to do with it than play cricket. I hear 
 you bowl with your head. 
 
 TREHERNE (with proper humility). I’m afraid 
 cricket is all I’m good for, Ernest. 
 
 CATHERINE (who thinks he has a heavenly 
 nose). Indeed, it isn’t. You are sure to get 
 on, Mr. Treherne. 
 
 TREHERNE. Thank you, Lady Catherine. 
 
 CATHERINE. But it was the bishop who told 
 me so. He said a clergyman who breaks both 
 ways is sure to get on in England. 
 
1. THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 15 
 
 TREHERNE. I’m jolly glad. 
 (The master of the house comes in, accom- 
 panied by LORD BROCKLEHURST. The 
 EARL OF LOAM is a widower, a philan- 
 thropist, and a peer of advanced ideas. 
 As a widower he 1s at least able to interfere 
 in the domestic concerns of his house—to 
 rummage in the drawers, so to speak, for 
 which he has felt an rtching all his blame- 
 less life; his philanthropy has opened 
 quite a number of other drawers to him; 
 and his advanced ideas have blown out 
 his figure. He takes wn all the weightiest 
 monthly reviews, and prefers those that 
 are uncut, because he perhaps never looks 
 better than when cutting them; but he does 
 not read them, and save for the cutting 
 ut would suit him as well merely to take 
 in the covers. He writes letters to the 
 papers, which are printed in a type to 
 scale with himself, and he is very jealous 
 of those other correspondents who get 
 his type. Let laws and learning, art 
 and commerce die, but leave the big type 
 
16 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 to an intellectual aristocracy. He vs really 
 the reformed House of Lords which will 
 come some day. 
 
 Young LORD BROCKLEHURST 7s nothing 
 save for his rank. You could pick him 
 up by the handful any day in Preca- 
 dilly or Holborn, buying socks—or selling 
 them.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (expansively). You are here, 
 Ernest. Feeling fit for the voyage, Treherne? 
 
 TREHERNE. Looking forward to it enor- 
 mously. 
 
 LORD LOAM. That’s right. (He chases his 
 children about as if they were chickens.) Now 
 then, Mary, up and doing, up and doing. Time 
 we had the servants in. They enjoy it so 
 much. 
 
 LADY MARY. They hate it. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Mary, to your duties. (And 
 he points severely to the tea-table.) 
 
 ERNEST (twinkling). Congratulations, Brocky. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (who deiests humour). 
 Thanks. 
 
 ERNEST. Mother pleased? 
 
I. THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON If 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (with dignity). Mother 
 is very pleased. 
 
 ERNEST. That’s good. Do you go on the 
 yacht with us? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Sorry I can’t. And 
 look here, Ernest, I will not be called Brocky. 
 
 ERNEST. Mother don’t like it? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. She does not. (He 
 leaves ERNEST, who forgives him and begins to 
 think about his speech. CRICHTON enters.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (speaking as one man to another). 
 We are quite ready, Crichton. (CRICHTON is 
 distressed.) 
 
 LADY MARY (sarcastically). How Crichton en- 
 joys it! 
 
 LORD LOAM (frowning). He is the only one 
 who doesn’t; pitiful creature. 
 
 CRICHTON (shuddering under his lord’s dts- 
 pleasure). I can’t help being a Conservative, 
 my lord. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Be a man, Crichton. You 
 are the same flesh and blood as myself. 
 
 CRICHTON (in pain). Oh, my lord! 
 
 LORD LOAM (sharply). Show them in; 
 
18 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 and, by the way, they were not all here last 
 time. 
 
 CRICHTON. All, my lord, except the merest 
 trifles. 
 
 LORD LOAM. - It must be every one. (Lower- 
 ang.) And remember this, Crichton, for the time 
 being you are my equal. (Testily.) Ishall soon 
 show you whether you are not my equal. Do 
 as you are told. 
 
 (CRICHTON departs to obey, and his lord- 
 ship 1s now a general. He has no pity 
 for his daughters, and uses a terrible 
 threat.) 
 And girls, remember, no condescension. ‘The 
 first who condescends recites. (This sends 
 them skurrying to their labours.) 
 
 By the way, Brocklehurst, can you do any- 
 thing ? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. How do you mean? 
 
 LORD LOAM. Can you do anything—with a 
 penny or a handkerchief, make them disappear, 
 for instance? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Good heavens, no. 
 
 LORD LOAM. It’s a pity. Every one in 
 
~~ 
 
 1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 19 
 
 our position ought to be able to do something. 
 Ernest, I shall probably ask you to say a few 
 words; something bright and sparkling. 
 ERNEST. But, my dear uncle, I have pre- 
 pared nothing. 
 LORD LOAM. Anything impromptu will do. 
 ERNEST. Oh—well—if anything strikes me 
 on the spur of the moment. 
 (He unostentatiously gets the footstool 
 into position behind the chair. cRIcH- 
 TON reappears to announce the guests, 
 of whom the first 1s the housekeeper.) 
 CRICHTON (reluctantly). Mrs. Perkins. 
 LORD LOAM (shaking hands). Very delighted, 
 Mrs. Perkins. Mary, our friend, Mrs. Perkins. 
 LADY MARY. How do you do, Mrs. Perkins? 
 Won’t you sit here? : 
 LORD LOAM (threateningly). Agatha! 
 AGATHA (hastily). How do you do? Won’t 
 you sit down? 
 LORD LOAM (introducing). Lord Brockle- 
 hurst—my valued friend, Mrs. Perkins. 
 (LORD BROCKLEHURST bows and escapes. 
 He has to fall back on ERNEST.) 
 
20 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. For heaven’s sake, 
 Ernest, don’t leave me for a moment; this sort 
 of thing is utterly opposed to all my principles. 
 
 ERNEST (azrily). You stick to me, Brocky, 
 and I ’Il pull you through. 
 
 CRICHTON. Monsieur Fleury. 
 
 ERNEST. The chef. 
 
 LORD LOAM (shaking hands with the chef). 
 Very charmed to see you, Monsieur Fleury. 
 
 FLEURY. Thank you very much. 
 
 (FLEURY bows to AGATHA, who is not 
 effuswe.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (warningly). Agatha—recita- 
 tion! 
 
 (She tosses her head, but immediately 
 finds a seat and tea for M. FLEURY. 
 TREHERNE and ERNEST move about, 
 making themselves amiable. LADY MARY 
 is presiding at the tea-tray.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Mr. Rolleston. 
 
 LORD LOAM (shaking hands with his valet). 
 
 How do you do, Rolleston ? 
 
 (CATHERINE looks after the wants of 
 ROLLESTON.) 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 21 
 
 CRICHTON. Mr. Tompsett. 
 
 (TOMPSETT, the coachman, its _ received 
 with honours, from which he shrinks.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Miss Fisher. 
 
 (This superb creature ts no less than LADY 
 MARY'S maid, and even LORD LOAM is a 
 little nervous.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. This is a pleasure, Miss Fisher. 
 
 ERNEST (unabashed). If I might venture, 
 Miss Fisher (and he takes her unto himself). 
 
 CRICHTON. Miss Simmons. 
 
 LORD LOAM (f0 CATHERINE’S maid). You 
 are always welcome, Miss Simmons. 
 
 ERNEST (perhaps to kindle jealousy in MISS 
 FISHER). At last we meet. Won't you sit 
 down ? 
 
 CRICHTON. Mademoiselle Jeanne. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Charmed to see you, Made- 
 moiselle Jeanne. 
 
 (A place ts found for aGaTHA’s maid, 
 and the scene is now an animated one; 
 but still our host thinks his girls are not 
 sufficiently sociable. He frowns on LADY 
 MARY.) 
 
22 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 LADY MARY (77 alarm). Mr. Treherne, this 
 is Fisher, my maid. 
 
 LORD LOAM (sharply). Your what, Mary? 
 
 LADY MARY. My friend. 
 
 CRICHTON. Thomas. 
 
 LORD LOAM. How do you do, Thomas? 
 
 (The first footman gives him a reluctant hand.) 
 
 CRICHTON. John. 
 
 LORD LOAM. How do you do, John? 
 (ERNEST signs to LORD BROCKLEHURST, who 
 hastens to him.) 
 
 ERNEST (2ntroducing). Brocklehurst, this is 
 John. I think you have already met on the 
 door-step. 
 
 CRICHTON. Jane. 
 
 (She comes, wrapping her hands miserably in 
 her apron.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (doggedly). Give me your hand, 
 Jane. 
 
 CRICHTON. Gladys. 
 
 ERNEST. How do you do, Gladys. You 
 know my uncle? 
 
 LORD LOAM. Your hand, Gladys. 
 
 (He bestows her on AGATHA.) 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 23 
 
 CRICHTON. ‘Tweeny. 
 
 (She ws a very humble and frightened 
 kitchenmaid, of whom we are to see 
 more.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. So happy to see you. 
 
 FISHER. John, I saw you talking to Lord 
 Brocklehurst just now; introduce me. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (at the same moment to 
 ERNEST). That ’s an uncommon pretty girl; if I 
 must feed one of them, Ernest, that ’s the one. 
 
 (But ERNEST tries to pari him and FISHER 
 as they are about to shake hands.) 
 
 ERNEST. No you don’t, it won’t do, Brocky. 
 (To Miss FISHER.) You are too pretty, my 
 dear. Mother wouldn’t like it. (Duescovering 
 TWEENY.) Here ’ssomething safer. Charming 
 girl, Brocky, dying to know you; let me in- 
 troduce you. Tweeny, Lord Brocklehurst— 
 Lord Brocklehurst, Tweeny. 
 
 (BROCKLEHURST accepis his fate; but 
 he still has an eye for FISHER, and some- 
 thing may come of this.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (severely). They are not all here, 
 Crichton. 
 
24 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 CRICHTON (with a sigh). Odds and ends. 
 
 (A STABLE-BOY and a PAGE are shown 
 in, and for a moment no daughter of the 
 house advances to them.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (with a roving eye on his 
 
 children). Which is to recite? 
 
 (The last of the company are, so to say, 
 embraced.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (fo TOMPSETT, as they partake of 
 tea together). And how are all at home? 
 
 TOMPSETT. Fairish, my lord, if ’tis the horses 
 you are inquiring for? 
 
 LORD LOAM. No, no, the family. How’s 
 the baby? 
 
 TOMPSETT. Blooming, your lordship. 
 
 LORD LOAM. <A very fine boy. I re- 
 member saying so when I saw him; nice 
 little fellow. 
 
 TOMPSETT (not quite knowing whether to let 
 ut pass). Beg pardon, my lord, it’s a girl. 
 
 LORD LOAM. A girl? Aha! ha! ha! ex- 
 actly what I said. I distinctly remember 
 saying, If it ’s spared it will be a girl. 
 
 (CRICHTON now comes down.) 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 25 
 
 LORD LOAM. Very delighted to see you, 
 Crichton. 
 
 (cRICHTON has to shake hands.) 
 
 Mary, you know Mr. Crichton? 
 
 (He wanders off in search of other prey.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Milk and sugar, Crichton? 
 
 CRICHTON. I’m ashamed to be seen talking 
 to you, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY. To such a perfect servant as 
 you all this must be most distasteful. (crIcH- 
 TON ts too respectful to answer.) Oh, please - 
 to speak, or I shall have to recite. You do 
 hate it, don’t you? 
 
 CRICHTON. It pains me, your ladyship. It 
 disturbs the etiquette of the servants’ hall. 
 After last month’s meeting the pageboy, in a 
 burst of equality, called me Crichton. He was 
 dismissed. 
 
 LADY MARY. I wonder—I really do—how 
 you can remain with us. 
 
 CRICHTON. I should have felt compelled to 
 give notice, my lady, if the master had not had 
 a seat in the Upper House. I cling to that. 
 
 LADY MARY. Do go on speaking. Tell me, 
 
26 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 what did Mr. Ernest mean by saying he was not 
 young enough to know everything? 
 
 CRICHTON. I have no idea, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY. But you laughed. 
 
 CRICHTON. My lady, he is the second son of 
 a peer. 
 
 LADY MARY. Very proper sentiments. You 
 are a good soul, Crichton. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (desperately to TWEENY). 
 And now tell me, have you been to the Opera? 
 What sort of weather have you been having in 
 thekitchen? (TWEENY gurgles.) For Heaven’s 
 sake, woman, be articulate. 
 
 CRICHTON (still talking to LADY MARY). No, 
 my lady; his lordship may compel us to be 
 equal upstairs, but there will never be equality 
 in the servants’ hall. 
 
 LORD LOAM (overhearing this). What’s that? 
 No equality? Can’t you see, Crichton, that 
 our divisions into classes are artificial, that if 
 we were to return to Nature, which is the aspira- 
 tion of my life, all would be equal? 
 
 CRICHTON. If I may make so bold as to con- 
 tradict your lordship—— 
 
I. THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 27 
 
 LORD LOAM (with an effort). Go on. 
 
 CRICHTON. The divisions into classes, my 
 lord, are not artificial. They are the natural 
 outcome of a civilised society. (Zo Lapy 
 MARY.) There must always be a master and 
 servants in all civilised communities, my lady, 
 for it is natural, and whatever is natural is 
 right. 
 
 LORD LOAM (wincing). It is very unnatural 
 for me to stand here and allow you to talk 
 such nonsense. 
 
 CRICHTON (eagerly). Yes, my lord, it is. 
 That is what I have been striving to point out 
 to your lordship. 
 
 AGATHA (f0 CATHERINE). What is the matter 
 with Fisher? She is looking daggers. 
 
 CATHERINE. The tedious creature; some 
 question of etiquette, I suppose. 
 
 (She sails across to FISHER.) 
 How are you, Fisher? 
 
 FISHER (with a toss of her head). I am 
 nothing, my lady, I am nothing at all. 
 
 AGATHA. Oh dear, who says so? 
 
 FISHER (affronted). His lordship has asked 
 
28 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 that kitchen wench to have a second cup of 
 tea. 
 CATHERINE. But why not? 
 FISHER. If it pleases his lordship to offer it 
 to her before offering it to me—— 
 AGATHA. Sothatisit. Do you want another 
 cup of tea, Fisher ? 
 FISHER. No, my lady—but my position—I 
 should have been asked first. 
 AGATHA. Qh dear. 
 (All this has taken some time, and by 
 now the feeble appetites of the uncom- 
 fortable guesis have been satiated. But 
 they know there is still another ordeal 
 to face—his lordship’s monthly speech. 
 Every one awaits u with misgwing—the 
 servants lest they should applaud, as last 
 tume, in the wrong place, and the daughters 
 because he may be personal about them, as 
 the time before. ERNEST is annoyed that 
 there should be this speech at all when 
 there 1s such a much better one coming, 
 and BROCKLEHURST foresees the degrada- 
 tion of the peerage. All are thinking 
 
1. THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 29 
 
 of themselves alone save CRICHTON, who 
 knows his master’s weakness, and fears 
 he may stick in the middle. LORD LOAM, 
 however, advances cheerfully to his doom. 
 He sees ERNEST’S stool, and artfully 
 stands on wu, to his nephew’s natural 
 endignation. The three ladies knit their 
 lips, the servants look down their noses, 
 and the address begins.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. My friends, I am glad to see 
 you all looking so happy. It used to be pre- 
 dicted by the scoffer that these meetings would 
 prove distasteful to you. Are they distasteful ? 
 I hear you laughing at the question. 
 
 (He has not heard them, but he hears 
 
 them now, the watchful CRICHTON giving 
 
 them a lead.) 
 No harm in saying that among us to-day is 
 one who was formerly hostile to the move- 
 ment, but who to-day has been won over. 
 I refer to Lord Brocklehurst, who, I am 
 sure, will presently say to me that if the 
 charming lady now by his side has derived 
 as much pleasure from his company as he 
 
30 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 has derived from hers, he will be more than 
 satisfied. 
 (All look at twEENy, who trembles.) 
 For the time being the artificial and unnatural 
 —I say unnatural (glaring at cricHTON, who 
 bows slightly)—barriers of society are swept 
 away. Would that they could be swept away 
 for ever. 
 (The pacreBoy cheers, and has the one 
 moment of prominence in his life. He 
 grows up, marries and has children, but 
 is never really heard of again.) 
 But that is entirely and utterly out of the 
 question. And now for a few months we are to 
 be separated. As you know, my daughters 
 and Mr. Ernest and Mr. Treherne are to 
 accompany me on my yacht, on a voyage to 
 distant parts of the earth. In less than forty- 
 eight hours we shall be under weigh. 
 (But for cricuton’s eye the reckless 
 PAGEBOY would repeat his success.) 
 Do not think our life on the yacht is to be one 
 long idle holiday. My views on the excessive 
 luxury of the day are well known, and what 
 
 = _ Ee ee ee ee eee ee ee 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 31 
 
 Wy preach I am resolved to practise. I have 
 therefore decided that my daughters, instead 
 of having one maid each as at present, shall on 
 this voyage have but one maid between them. 
 (Three maids rise; also three mistresses.) 
 
 CRICHTON. My lord! 
 
 LORD LOAM. My mind is made up. 
 
 ERNEST. I cordially agree. 
 
 LORD LOAM. And now, my friends, I should 
 like to think that there is some piece of advice 
 I might give you, some thought, some noble 
 saying over which you might ponder in my 
 absence. In this connection I remember a 
 proverb, which has had a great effect on my 
 own life. I first heard it many years ago. I 
 have never forgotten it. It constantly cheers 
 and guides me. That proverb is—that proverb 
 was—the proverb I speak of —— 
 
 (He grows pale and taps his forehead.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Oh dear, I believe he has for- 
 gotten it. 
 
 LORD LOAM (desperately). The proverb— 
 that proverb to which I refer—— 
 
 (Alas, wa has gone. The distress is 
 
32 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 general. He has not even the sense to sit 
 down. He gropes for the proverb in the 
 air. They try applause, but rt 1s no help.) 
 I have it now—(not he). 
 LADY MARY (with confidence). Crichton. 
 (He does not fail her. As quietly as uf 
 he were in goloshes, mind as well as 
 feet, he dismisses the domestics; they 
 go according to precedence as they entered, 
 yet, rn a moment, they are gone. Then 
 he signs to MR. TREHERNE, and they 
 conduct LORD LOAM with dignity from 
 the room. His hands are still catching 
 flies; he still mutters, ‘The proverb— 
 that proverb’; but he continues, owing 
 to cricHTon’s skilful treatment, to look 
 every inch a peer. The ladies have now 
 an opportunity to avr their indignation.) 
 LADY MARY. One maid among three grown 
 women ! 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Mary, I think I had 
 better go. That dreadful kitchenmaid—— 
 LADY MARY. I can’t blame you, George. 
 (He salutes her.) 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 33 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Your father’s views 
 are shocking to me, and I am glad I am not to 
 be one of the party on the yacht. My respect 
 for myself, Mary, my natural anxiety as to what 
 mother will say. I shall see you, darling, before 
 you sail. 
 
 (He bows to the others and goes.) 
 
 ERNEST. Selfish brute, only thinking of 
 himself. What about my speech? 
 
 LADY MARY. One maid among three of us. 
 What ’s to be done? 
 
 ERNEST. Pooh! You must do for your- 
 selves, that ’s all. 
 
 LADY MARY. Do for ourselves. How can : 
 we know where our things are kept? 
 
 AGATHA. Are you aware that dresses button 
 up the back? . 
 
 CATHERINE. How are we to get into our 
 shoes and be prepared for the carriage? 
 
 LADY MARY. Who is to put us to bed, and 
 who is to get us up, and how shall we ever know 
 it’s morning if there is no one to pull up the 
 blinds? 
 
 (CRICHTON crosses on his way out.) 
 
34 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 ERNEST. How is his lordship now? 
 CRICHTON. A little easier, sir. 
 - LADY MARY. Crichton, send Fisher to me. 
 (He goes.) | 
 ERNEST. I have no pity for you girls, I 
 
 LADY MARY. Ernest, go away, and don’t 
 insult the broken-hearted. 
 
 ERNEST. And uncommon glad I am to go. 
 Ta-ta, all of you. He asked me to say a few 
 words. I came here to say a few words, and 
 I’m not at all sure that I couldn’t bring an 
 action against him. 
 
 (He departs, feeling that he has left a 
 dart behind him. The girls are alone 
 with their tragic thoughts.) 
 
 LADY MARY (become a mother to the younger 
 ones at last). My poor sisters, come here. (They 
 go to her doubifully.) We must make this draw 
 us closer together. I shall do my best to help 
 you in every way. Just now I cannot think 
 of myself at all. 
 
 AGATHA. But how unlike you, Mary. 
 
 LADY MARY. It is my duty to protect my 
 sisters. 
 
I.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 35 
 
 CATHERINE. I never knew her so _ sweet 
 before, Agatha. (Cautiously.) What do you 
 propose to do, Mary ? 
 
 LADY MARY. I propose when we are on the 
 yacht to lend Fisher to you when I don’t need 
 her myself. | 
 
 AGATHA. Fisher? 
 
 LADY MARY (who has the most character 
 of the three). Of course, as the eldest, I have 
 decided that it is my maid we shall take with us. 
 
 CATHERINE (speaking also foraGaTHA). Mary, 
 you toad. 
 
 AGATHA. Nothing on earth would induce 
 Fisher to lift her hand for either me or 
 Catherine. 
 
 LADY MARY. I was afraid of it, Agatha. 
 That is why I am so sorry for you. 
 
 (The further exchange of pleasantries is 
 interrupted by the arrival of FISHER.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Fisher, you heard what his 
 lordship said ? 
 
 FISHER. Yes, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY (coldly, though the others would 
 have tried blandishment). You have given me 
 
36 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [act 
 
 some satisfaction of late, Fisher, and to mark 
 my approval I have decided that you shall 
 be the maid who accompanies us. 
 
 FISHER (acidly). I thank you, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY. That is all; you may go. 
 
 FISHER (rapping it out). If you please, my 
 lady, I wish to give notice. 
 
 (CATHERINE and AGATHA gleam, but LADY 
 MARY 1s of sterner stuff.) 
 
 LADY MARY (taking up a book). Oh, certainly 
 —you may go. 
 
 CATHERINE. But why, Fisher? 
 
 FISHER. I could not undertake, my lady, 
 to wait upon three. We don’t do it. (In an 
 indignant outburst to LADY MARY.) Oh, my 
 lady, to think that this affront—— 
 
 LADY MARY (looking up). I thought I told 
 you to go, Fisher. 
 
 (FISHER stands for a moment irresolute; 
 then goes. As soon as she has gone 
 LADY MARY puts down her book and 
 weeps. She rs a pretty woman, but this 
 is the only pretty thing we have seen her 
 do yet.) 
 
 ee i 
 
I. THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 37 
 
 AGATHA (succinctly). Serves you right. 
 (CRICHTON comes.) 
 
 CATHERINE. It will be Simmons after all. 
 
 Send Simmons to me. 
 
 CRICHTON (after hesitating). My lady, might 
 I venture to speak ? 
 
 CATHERINE. What is it? 
 
 CRICHTON. I happen to know, your ladyship, 
 that Simmons desires to give notice for the same 
 reason as Fisher. 
 
 CATHERINE. Oh! 
 
 AGATHA (triumphant). Then, Catherine, we 
 take Jeanne. 
 
 CRICHTON. And Jeanne also, my lady. 
 (LADY MARY ts reading, indifferent though 
 the heavens fall, but her sisters are not 
 ashamed to show their despair to CRICHTON.) 
 
 AGATHA. Wecan’t blame them. Could any 
 maid who respected herself be got to wait upon 
 three ? 
 
 LADY MARY (with languid interest). I suppose 
 there are such persons, Crichton? 
 
 CRICHTON (guardedly). I have heard, my 
 lady, that there are such. 
 
38 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 LADY MARY (a lIvttle desperate). Crichton, 
 what ’s to be done? We sail in two days; 
 could one be discovered in the time? 
 
 AGATHA (frankly a supplicant). Surely you 
 can think of some one? 
 
 CRICHTON (after hesitating). There is in 
 this establishment, your ladyship, a young 
 
 woman 
 
 LADY MARY. Yes? 
 
 CRICHTON. A young woman, on whom I 
 have for some time cast an eye. 
 
 CATHERINE (eagerly). Do you mean as a 
 possible lady’s-maid ? 
 
 cricHToN. I had thought of her, my lady, 
 in another connection. 
 
 LADY MARY. Ah! 
 
 cRICHTON. But I believe she is quite the 
 young person you require. Perhaps if you 
 could see her, my lady—— 
 
 LADY MARY. [I shall certainly see _ her. 
 Bring her to me. (He goes.) You two needn’t 
 wait. 
 
 CATHERINE. Needn’t we? We see your 
 little game, Mary. 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 39 
 
 AGATHA. We shall certainly remain and 
 have our two-thirds of her. 
 (They sit there doggedly until cRICcHTON 
 returns with TWEENY, who looks scared.) 
 CRICHTON. This, my lady, is the young 
 person. 
 CATHERINE (frankly). Oh dear! 
 (It ts evident that all three consider her 
 quite unsuitable.) 
 LADY MARY. Come here, girl. Don’t be 
 afraid. 
 (TWEENY looks imploringly at her idol.) 
 CRICHTON. Her appearance, my lady, is 
 homely, and her manners, as you may have 
 observed, deplorable, but she has a heart of 
 gold. 
 LADY MARY. What is your position down- 
 stairs ? 
 WEENY (bobbing). I’m a tweeny, your 
 ladyship. 
 CATHERINE. A what? 
 CRICHTON. A tweeny; that is to say, my 
 lady, she is not at present, strictly speaking, 
 anything; a between maid; she helps the 
 
40 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 vegetable maid. Itis she, my lady, who conveys 
 the dishes from the one end of the kitchen table, 
 where they are placed by the cook, to the other 
 end, where they enter into the charge of Thomas 
 and John. 
 LADY MARY. I see. And you and Crichton 
 are—ah—keeping company? 
 (CRICHTON draws himself wp.) 
 TWEENY (aghast). A butler don’t keep com- 
 pany, my lady. 
 LADY MARY (indifferently). Does he not? 
 CRICHTON. No, your ladyship, we butlers 
 may—(he makes a gesture with his arms)—but 
 we do not keep company. 
 AGATHA. I know what it is; you are 
 engaged ? ; 
 (TWEENY looks longingly at CRICHTON.) 
 CRICHTON. Certainly not, my lady. The 
 utmost I can say at present is that I have cast 
 a favourable eye. 
 (Even this is much to TWEENY.) 
 LADY MARY. As you choose. But I am 
 afraid, Crichton, she will not suit us. 
 cricHTON. My lady, beneath this simple 
 
I.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 41 
 
 exterior are concealed a very sweet nature and 
 rare womanly gifts. 
 
 AGATHA. Unfortunately, that is not what we 
 want. 
 
 CRICHTON. And itis she, my lady, who dresses 
 the hair of the ladies’-maids for our evening meals. 
 
 (The ladies are interested at last.) 
 
 LADY MARY. She dresses Fisher’s hair? 
 
 TWEENY. Yes, my lady, and I does them up 
 when they goes to parties. 
 
 CRICHTON (pained, but not scolding). Does! 
 
 TWEENY. Doos. And it’s me what alters 
 your gowns to fit them. 
 
 CRICHTON. What alters! 
 
 TWEENY. Which alters. 
 
 AGATHA. Mary? 
 
 LADY MARY. [I shall certainly have her. 
 
 CATHERINE. We shall certainly have her. 
 Tweeny, we have decided to make a lady’s-maid 
 of you. 
 
 TWEENY. Oh lawks! 
 
 AGATHA. We are doing this for you so that 
 your position socially may be more nearly akin 
 to that of Crichton. 
 
42 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 CRICHTON (gravely). It will undoubtedly in- 
 crease the young person’s chances. 
 
 LADY MARY. ‘Then if I get a good character 
 for you from Mrs. Perkins, she will make the 
 necessary arrangements. 
 
 (She resumes reading.) 
 
 TWEENY (elated). My lady! 
 
 LADY MARY. By the way, I hope you are a 
 good sailor. 
 
 TWEENY (startled). You don’t mean, my 
 lady, I’m to go on the ship? 
 
 LADY MARY. Certainly. 
 
 TWEENY. But— (TYocricutTon.) You ain’t 
 going, sir? 
 
 CRICHTON. No. 
 
 TWEENY (firm at last). Then neither 
 ain’t I. 
 
 AGATHA. You must. 
 
 TWEENY. Leave him! Not me. 
 
 LADY MARY. Girl, don’t be silly. Crichton 
 will be—considered in your wages. 
 
 TWEENY. I ain’t going. 
 
 cRIcHTON. I feared this, my lady. 
 
 TWEENY:. Nothing ’ll budge me. 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 43 
 
 LADY MARY. Leave the room. 
 
 (CRICHTON shows TWEENY out with marked 
 politeness.) 
 
 AGATHA. Crichton, I think you might have 
 shown more displeasure with her. 
 
 CRICHTON (contrite). I was touched, my lady. 
 I see, my lady, that to part from her would be a 
 wrench to me, though I could not well say so 
 in her presence, not having yet decided how 
 far I shall go with her. 
 
 (He ts about to go when LORD LOAM returns, 
 fuming.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. The ingrate! Thesmug! The fop! 
 
 CATHERINE. What is it now, father? 
 
 LORD LOAM. That man of mine, Rolleston, 
 refuses to accompany us because you are to 
 have but one maid. 
 
 AGATHA. Hurrah! 
 
 LADY MARY (in better taste). Darling father, 
 rather than you should lose Rolleston, we will 
 consent to take all the three of them. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Pooh, nonsense! Crichton, find 
 me a valet who can do without three maids. 
 
 CRICHTON. Yes, my lord. (Troubled.) In the 
 
AA THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 time—the more suitable the party, my lord, the 
 less willing will he be to come without the—the 
 usual perquisites. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Any one will do. 
 
 CRICHTON (shocked). My lord! 
 
 LORD LOAM. ‘The ingrate! The puppy! 
 
 (aGATHA has an idea, and whispers to 
 LADY MARY.) 
 
 LADY MARY. I ask a favour of a servant ?— 
 never! 
 
 AGATHA. Then I will. Crichton, would it 
 not be very distressing to you to let his lordship 
 go, attended by a valet who might prove un- 
 worthy? It is only for three months; don’t 
 
 you think that you—you yourself—you 
 (As CRICHTON sees what she wants he 
 pulls himself up with noble, offended 
 dignity, and she ts appalled.) 
 
 I beg your pardon. 
 (He bows stiffly.) 
 
 CATHERINE (f0 CRICHTON). But think of the 
 
 joy to Tweeny. 
 (CRICHTON 27s moved, but he shakes his 
 head.) 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 45 
 
 LADY MARY (so much the cleverest). Crich- 
 ton, do you think it safe to let the master 
 you love go so far away without you 
 while he has these dangerous views about 
 equality ? 
 
 (CRICHTON its profoundly stirred. After 
 a struggle he goes to his master, who 
 has been pacing the room.) 
 
 CRICHTON. My lord, I have found a man. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Already? Who is he? 
 
 (CRICHTON presents himself with a ges- 
 ture.) 
 Yourself ? 
 
 CATHERINE. Father, how good of him. 
 
 LORD LOAM (pleased, but thinking wt a 
 small thing). Uncommon good. Thank you, 
 Crichton. This helps me nicely out of a hole; 
 and how it will annoy Rolleston! Come with 
 me, and we shall tell him. Not that I think 
 you have lowered yourself in any way. Come 
 along. iit 
 
 (He goes, and crIcHTON is to follow him, 
 but is stopped by AGATHA impulsively 
 offering him her hand.) 
 
46 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 CRICHTON (who is much shaken). My lady— 
 a valet’s hand! 
 
 AGATHA. I had no idea you would feel it so 
 deeply; why did you do it? 
 
 (CRICHTON 1s too respectful to reply.) 
 
 LADY MARY (regarding him). Crichton, I am 
 curious. I insist upon an answer. 
 
 CRICHTON. My lady, I am the son of a butler 
 and a lady’s-maid—perhaps the happiest of all 
 combinations, and to me the most beautiful 
 thing in the world is a haughty, aristocratic 
 English house, with every one kept in his 
 place. Though I were equal to your lady- 
 ship, where would be the pleasure to me? 
 It would be counterbalanced by the pain 
 of feeling that Thomas and John were equal 
 to me. 
 
 CATHERINE. But father says if we were to 
 return to Nature—— 
 
 CRICHTON. If we did, my lady, the first 
 thing we should do would be to elect a head. 
 Circumstances might alter cases; the same 
 person might not be master; the same persons 
 might not be servants. I can’t say as to that, 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 47 
 
 nor should we have the deciding of it. Nature 
 would decide for us. 
 
 LADY MARY. You seem to have thought it 
 all out carefully, Crichton. 
 
 CRICHTON. Yes, my lady. 
 
 CATHERINE. And you have done this for us, 
 Crichton, because you thought that—that father 
 needed to be kept in his place? 
 
 CRICHTON. I should prefer you to say, my 
 lady, that I have done it for the house. 
 
 AGATHA. Thank you, Crichton. Mary, be 
 nicer to him. (But Lapy Mary has begun to 
 read again.) If there was any way in which we 
 could show our gratitude. 
 
 cricHTON. If I might venture, my lady, 
 would you kindly show it by becoming 
 more like Lady Mary. That disdain is 
 what we like from our superiors. Even so 
 do we, the upper servants, disdain the lower 
 servants, while they take it out of the odds 
 and ends. 
 
 (He goes, and they bury themselves in 
 cushions.) 
 
 AGATHA. Oh dear, what a tiring day. 
 
48 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [acrt. 
 
 CATHERINE. I feel dead. Tuck in your feet, 
 you selfish thing. 
 
 (LADY MARY 12s lying reading on another 
 couch.) 
 
 LADY MARY. I wonder what he meant by 
 circumstances might alter cases. 
 
 AGATHA (yawning). Don’t talk, Mary, I was 
 nearly asleep. 
 
 LADY MARY. I wonder what he meant by 
 the same person might not be master, and the 
 same persons might not be servants. 
 
 CATHERINE. Do be quiet, Mary, and leave it 
 to Nature; he said Nature would decide. 
 
 LADY MARY. I wonder 
 
 (But she does not wonder very much. 
 She would wonder more if she knew 
 what was coming. Her book slips un- 
 regarded to the floor. The ladies are at 
 vest until rt rs tume to dress.) 
 
 End of Act I. 
 
ACT Il 
 
ACT II 
 THE ISLAND 
 
 Two months have elapsed, and the scene is a desert 
 tsland in the Pacific, on which our adventurers have 
 been wrecked. 
 
 The curtain rises on a sea of bamboo, which shuts 
 out all view save the foliage of palm trees and some 
 gaunt rocks. Occasionally Crichton and Treherne 
 come momentarily into sight, hacking and hewing the 
 bamboo, through which they are making a clearing 
 between the ladies and the shore; and by and by, 
 owing to their efforts, we shall have an unrestricted 
 outlook on to a sullen sea that is at present hidden. 
 Then we shall also be able to note a mast standing out 
 of the water—all that is left, saving floating wreckage, 
 of the ill-fated yacht the Bluebell. The beginnings of 
 a hut will also be seen, with Crichton driving its walls 
 into the ground or astride its roof of saplings, for at 
 present he 1s doing more than one thing ata tume. In 
 a red shirt, with the ends of his sailor’s breeches thrust 
 
 into wading-boots, he looks a man for the moment; we 
 51 
 
52 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 suddenly remember some one’s saying—perhaps vt was 
 ourselves—that a cataclysm would be needed to get him 
 out of his servant’s clothes, and apparently vt has been 
 forthcoming. It is no longer beneath our dignity to 
 cast an inquiring eye on his appearance. His features 
 are not distinguished, but he has a strong jaw and 
 green eyes, in which a yellow light burns that we 
 have not seen before. His dark hair, hitherto so 
 decorously sleek, has been ruffled this way and that by 
 wind and weather, as if they were part of the cata- 
 clysm and wanted to help his chance. His muscles 
 must be soft and flabby still, but though they shriek 
 aloud to him to desist, he rains lusty blows with his 
 axe, like one who has come upon the open for the first 
 time in his life, and likes it. He is as yet far from 
 being an expert woodsman—mark the blood on his 
 hands at places where he has hit them instead of the 
 tree; but note also that he does not waste time in 
 bandaging them—he rubs them in the earth and goes on. 
 His face is still of the discreet pallor that befits a 
 butler, and he carries the smaller logs as if they were a 
 salver; not wn a day or a month will he shake off the 
 badge of servitude, but without knowing ut he has 
 begun. 
 
 But for the hatchets at work, and an occasional 
 something horrible falling from a tree into the ladies’ 
 
m1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 53 
 
 laps, they hear nothing save the mournful surf breaking 
 on a coral shore. 
 
 They sit or recline huddled together against a rock, 
 and they are farther from home, in every sense of the 
 word, than ever before. Thirty-six hours ago, they 
 were given three minutes in which to dress, without a 
 maid, and reach the boats, and they have not made the 
 best of that valuable time. None of them has boots, 
 and had they known this prickly island they would 
 have thought first of boots. They have a sufficiency 
 of garments, but some of them were gifts dropped 
 into the boat—Lady Mary’s tarpaulin coat and hat, 
 for instance, and Catherine’s blue jersey and red cap, 
 which certify that the two ladies were lately before 
 the mast. Agatha is too gay in Ernest’s dressing- 
 gown, and clutches it to her person with both hands 
 as uf afraid that it may be claimed by its rightful 
 owner. There are two pairs of bath slippers between 
 the three of them, and their hair cries aloud and in 
 vain for hairpins. 
 
 By their side, on an inverted bucket, sits Ernest, 
 clothed neatly in the garments of day and night, but, 
 alas, bare-footed. He is the only cheerful member of 
 this company of four, but his brightness 1s due less to 
 a manly desire to succour the helpless than to his 
 having been lately in the throes of composition, and to 
 
54 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 his modest satisfaction urth the result. He reads to 
 the ladies, and they listen, each with one scared eye to 
 the things that fall from trees. 
 
 ERNEST (who has written on the fly-leaf of the 
 only book saved from the wreck). This is what: 
 I have written. ‘Wrecked, wrecked, wrecked! 
 on an island in the Tropics, the following: 
 the Hon. Ernest Woolley, the Rev. John 
 Treherne, the Ladies Mary, Catherine, and 
 Agatha Lasenby, with two servants. We are 
 the sole survivors of Lord Loam’s steam yacht 
 Bluebell, which encountered a fearful gale in 
 these seas, and soon became a total wreck. 
 The crew behaved gallantly, putting us all 
 into the first boat. What became of them I 
 cannot tell, but we, after dreadful sufferings, 
 and insufficiently clad, in whatever garments 
 we could lay hold of in the dark’ 
 
 LADY MARY. Please don’t describe our gar- 
 
 ments. 
 
 ERNEST. —‘succeeded in reaching this island, 
 with the loss of only one of our party, 
 namely, Lord Loam, who flung away his life in 
 
u.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 55 
 
 a gallant attempt to save a servant who had 
 fallen overboard.’ 
 (The ladies have wept long and sore for 
 their father, but there is something in 
 this last utterance that makes them look 
 up.) 
 
 AGATHA. But, Ernest, it was Crichton who 
 jumped overboard trying to save father. 
 
 ERNEST (with the candour that is one of his: 
 most engaging qualities). Well, you know, it 
 was rather silly of uncle to fling away his life 
 by trying to get into the boat first; and as 
 this document may be printed in the English 
 papers, it struck me, an English peer, you 
 know 
 
 LADY MARY (every inch an English peer’s 
 daughter). Ernest, that is very thoughtful 
 of you. 
 
 ERNEST (continuing, well pleased). —‘By 
 night the cries of wild cats and the hissing of 
 snakes terrify us extremely’—(ihis does not 
 satisfy him so well, and he makes a correctton)— 
 ‘terrify the ladies extremely. Against these 
 we have no weapons except one cutlass and a 
 
56 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 hatchet. A bucket washed ashore is at present 
 our only comfortable seat’ 
 LADY MARY (with some spirit). And Ernest 
 
 is sitting on it. 
 
 ERNEST. H’sh! Oh, do be quiet. —‘To 
 add to our horrors, night falls suddenly in these 
 parts, and it is then that savage animals begin 
 to prow! and roar.’ 
 
 LADY MARY. Have you said that vampire 
 bats suck the blood from our toes as we sleep? 
 
 ERNEST. No, that’s all. I end up, ‘Rescue 
 us or we perish. Rich reward. Signed Ernest 
 Woolley, in command of our little party.” This 
 is written on a leaf taken out of a book of poems 
 that Crichton found in his pocket. Fancy 
 Crichton being a reader of poetry. Now I shall 
 put it into the bottle and fling it into the sea. 
 
 (He pushes the precious document into 
 a soda-water bottle, and rams the cork 
 home. At the same moment, and without 
 effort, he gwes birth to one of his most 
 characteristic epigrams.) 
 The tide is going out, we mustn’t miss the 
 post. 
 
11.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 57 
 
 (They are so unhappy that they fail to 
 grasp ut, and a little petulantly he calls 
 for CRICHTON, ever his stand-by in the hour 
 of epigram. crRicHTON breaks through 
 the undergrowth quickly, thinking the 
 ladies are in danger.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Anything wrong, sir? 
 
 ERNEST (with fine confidence). The tide, 
 Crichton, is a postman who calls at our island 
 twice a day for letters. 
 
 CRICHTON (after a pause). ‘Thank you, sir. 
 (He returns to his labours, however, without 
 gwing the smile which rs the eprigram- 
 matist’s right, and ERNEST 1s a litile dis- 
 appointed in hom.) 
 
 ERNEST. Poor Crichton! I sometimes think 
 he is losing his sense of humour. Come along, 
 Agatha. 
 
 (He helps his favourite wp the rocks, and 
 they disappear gingerly from view.) 
 
 CATHERINE. How horribly still it is. 
 
 LADY MARY (remembering some recent sounds). 
 It is best when it is still. 
 
 CATHERINE (drawing closer to her). Mary, I 
 
58 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 have heard that they are always very still just 
 before they jump. 
 
 LADY MARY. Don’t. (A distinct chopping 
 is heard, and they are startled.) 
 
 LADY MARY (controlling herself). It is only 
 Crichton knocking down trees. 
 
 CATHERINE (almost imploringly). Mary, let 
 us go and stand beside him. 
 
 LADY MARY (coldly). Let a servant see that 
 I am afraid! 
 
 CATHERINE. Don’t, then; but remember 
 this, dear, they often drop on one from 
 above. 
 
 (She moves away, nearer to the friendly 
 sound of the axe, and LADY MARY 1s 
 left alone. She ws the most courageous 
 of them as well as the haughtvest, but 
 when something she had thought to be 
 a stick glides toward her, she forgets her 
 dignity and screams.) 
 
 LADY MARY (calling). Crichton, Crichton! 
 (It must have been TREHERNE who was 
 tree-felling, for CRICHTON comes to her 
 from the hut, drawing his cutlass.) 
 
11.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 59 
 
 CRICHTON (anxious). Did you call, my lady? 
 
 LADY MARY (herself again, now that he is 
 there). I! Why should I? 
 
 CRICHTON. I made a mistake, your ladyship. 
 (Hesitating.) If you are afraid of being alone, 
 my lady—— 
 
 LADY MARY. Afraid! Certainly not. (Dog- 
 gedly.) You may go. 
 
 (But she does not complain when he re- 
 mains within eyesight cutting the bamboo. 
 It is heavy work, and she watches him 
 silently.) 
 
 LADY MARY. I wish, Crichton, you could 
 work without getting so hot. 
 
 CRICHTON (mopping his face). I wish I could, 
 my lady. 
 
 (He continues his labours.) 
 
 LADY MARY (taking off her oilskins). It makes 
 me hot to look at you. 
 
 CRICHTON. It almost makes me cool to look 
 at your ladyship. 
 
 LADY MARY (who perhaps thinks he 1s presum- 
 ang). Anything I can do for you in that way, 
 Crichton, I shall do with pleasure. 
 
60 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [act 
 
 CRICHTON (quite humbly). Thank you, mylady. 
 (By this time most of the bamboo has 
 been cut, and the shore and sea are visible, 
 except where they are hidden by the half 
 completed hut. The mast rising solitary 
 from the water adds to the desolation of 
 the scene, and at last tears run down LADY 
 MARY'S face.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Don’t give way, my lady, things 
 
 might be worse. 
 
 LADY MARY. My poor father. 
 
 CRICHTON. If I could have given my life for 
 his. 
 
 LADY MARY. You did all a man could do. 
 Indeed I thank you, Crichton. (With some 
 admiration and more wonder.) You are a man. 
 
 CRICHTON. Thank you, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY. Butitisallsoawful. Crichton, 
 is there any hope of a ship coming ? 
 
 CRICHTON (after hesitation). Of course there 
 is, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY (facing him bravely). Don’t 
 treat me as a child. I have got to know the 
 worst, and to face it. Crichton, the truth. 
 
u.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 61 
 
 CRICHTON (reluci.intly). We were driven out 
 of our course, my lady; I fear far from the 
 track of commerce. 
 
 LADY MARY. ‘Thank you; I understand. 
 
 (For a moment, however, she breaks down. 
 Then she clenches her hands and stands 
 erect.) 
 
 CRICHTON (watching her, and forgetting per- 
 haps for the moment that they are not just a 
 man and woman). You’re a good pluckt ’un, 
 my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY (falling into the same error). I 
 shall try to be. (E2tricating herself.) Crichton, 
 how dare you? 
 
 CRICHTON. I beg your ladyship’s pardon; 
 but you are. 
 
 (She smiles, as if it were a comfort to be 
 told this even by CRICHTON.) 
 And until a ship comes we are three men who 
 are going to do our best for you ladies. 
 
 LADY MARY (with a curl of the lip). Mr. 
 Ernest does no work. 
 
 CRICHTON (cheerily). But he will, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY. I doubt it. 
 
62 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 CRICHTON (confidently, but perhaps thought- 
 lessly). No work—no dinner—will make a 
 great change in Mr. Ernest. 
 
 LADY MARY. No work—no dinner. When 
 did you invent that rule, Crichton? 
 
 CRICHTON (loaded with bamboo). I didn’t 
 invent it, my lady. I seem to see it growing 
 all over the island. 
 
 LADY MARY (disquieted). Crichton, your man- 
 ner strikes me as curious. 
 
 CRICHTON (pained). I hope not, your ladyship. 
 
 LADY MARY (determined to have i out with 
 him). You are not implying anything so 
 unnatural, I presume, as that if I and my 
 sisters don’t work there will be no dinner for 
 us? 
 
 CRICHTON (brightly). If it is unnatural, my 
 lady, that is the end of it. 
 
 LADY MARY. If? Now I understand. The 
 perfect servant at home holds that we are all 
 equal now. I see. 
 
 CRICHTON (wounded to the quick). My lady, 
 can you think me so inconsistent ? 
 
 LADY MARY. ‘That is it. 
 
u1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 63 
 
 CRICHTON (earnestly). My lady, I disbelieved 
 in equality at home because it was against 
 nature, and for that same reason I as utterly 
 disbelieve in it on an island. 
 
 LADY MARY (relieved by his obvious sincerity). 
 I apologise. 
 
 CRICHTON (continuing unfortunately). There 
 must always, my lady, be one to command and 
 others to obey. 
 
 LADY MARY (satisfied). One to command, 
 others to obey. Yes. (Then suddenly she 
 realises that there may be a dire meaning in his 
 confident words.) Crichton! 
 
 CRICHTON (who has intended no dire meaning). 
 What is it, my lady? 
 
 (But she only stares into his face and then 
 hurries from him. Left alone he ts puzzled, 
 but being a practical man he busies himself 
 gathering firewood, until TWEENY appears 
 excitedly carrying cocoa-nuts in her skurt. 
 She has made better use than the ladves of 
 her three minutes’ grace for dressing.) 
 
 TWEENY (who can be happy even on an island 
 if CRICHTON 7s with her). Look what I found. 
 
64 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 CRICHTON. Cocoa-nuts. Bravo! 
 
 TWEENY. ‘They grows on trees. 
 
 CRICHTON. Where did you think they 
 grew? 
 
 TWEENY. I thought as how they grew in rows 
 on top of little sticks. 
 
 CRICHTON (wrinkling his brows). Oh Tweeny, 
 Tweeny ! 
 
 TWEENY (anxiously). Have I offended of 
 your feelings again, sir? 
 
 CRICHTON. A little. 
 
 TWEENY (in a despairing outburst). I’m 
 full o’ vulgar words and ways; and though I 
 may keep them in their holes when you are by, 
 as soon as I’m by myself out they comes in a 
 rush like beetles when the house is dark. I 
 says them gloating-like,in my head—‘ Blooming’ 
 I says, and ‘All my eye,’ and ‘Ginger,’ and 
 ‘Nothink’; and all the time we was being 
 wrecked I was praying to myself, ‘Please the 
 Lord it may be an island as it’s natural to be 
 vulgar on.’ 
 
 (A shudder passes through cRICHTON, 
 and she is abject.) 
 
11.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 65 
 
 That’s the kind I am, sir. I’m ’opeless. 
 You ’d better give me up. 
 (She is a pathetic, forlorn creature, and 
 his manhood is stwrred.) 
 
 CRICHTON (wondering a litile at himself for 
 saying wz). I won’t give you up. It is strange 
 that one so common should attract one so 
 fastidious; but soitis. (Thoughtfully.) There 
 is something about you, Tweeny, there is a ge ne 
 sais quot about you. 
 
 TWEENY (knowing only that he has found 
 something in her to commend). Is there, is there? 
 Oh, I am glad. 
 
 CRICHTON (putting his hand on her shoulder like 
 a protector). We shall fight your vulgarity 
 together. (All this time he has been arranging 
 sticks for his fire.) Now get some dry grass. 
 
 (She brings him grass, and he puts tt under 
 the sticks. He produces an odd lens from 
 his pocket, and tries to focus the sun’s 
 rays.) 
 
 TWEENY. Why, what’s that? 
 
 cRIcHTON (the ingenious creature). That’s 
 the glass from my watch and one from Mr. 
 
66 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON fact 
 
 Treherne’s, with a little water between them. 
 I’m hoping to kindle a fire with it. 
 
 TWEENY (properly impressed). Oh sir! 
 (After one failure the grass takes fire, 
 and they are blowing on 7% when excited 
 ertes near by bring them sharply to their 
 feet. AGATHA runs to them, white of face, 
 followed by ERNEST.) 
 
 ERNEST. Danger! Crichton, a tiger-cat! 
 
 CRICHTON (getting his cutlass). Where? 
 
 AGATHA. It is at our heels. 
 
 ERNEST. Look out, Crichton. 
 
 CRICHTON. H’sh! 
 (TREHERNE comes to his assistance, while 
 LADY MARY and CATHERINE join AGATHA 
 in the hut.) 
 
 ERNEST. It will be on us in a moment. 
 (He seizes the hatchet and guards the 
 hut. It ts pleasing to see that ERNEST 
 ts no coward.) 
 
 TREHERNE. Listen! 
 
 ERNEST. The grassis moving. It’s coming. 
 (lt comes. But ut is no tiger-cat; tt ts 
 LORD LOAM crawling on his hands and 
 
m.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 67 
 
 — 
 
 knees, a very exhausted and dishevelled 
 peer, wondrously attired in rags. The 
 girls see him, and with glad cries rush 
 into his arms.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Father. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Mary—Catherine—Agatha. Oh 
 dear, my dears, my dears, oh dear! 
 
 LADY MARY. Darling. 
 
 AGATHA. Sweetest. 
 
 CATHERINE. Love. 
 
 TREHERNE. Glad to see you, sir. 
 
 ERNEST. Uncle, uncle, dear old uncle. 
 
 (For a time such happy cries fill the arr, 
 but presently TREHERNE 7s thoughtless.) 
 
 TREHERNE. Ernest thought you were a 
 tiger-cat. 
 
 LORD LOAM (stung somehow to the quick). Oh, 
 did you? I knew you at once, Ernest; I 
 knew you by the way you ran. 
 
 (ERNEST smiles forgivingly.) 
 
 CRICHTON (venturing forward at last). My 
 lord, I am glad. 
 
 ERNEST (with upraised finger). But you are 
 also idling, Crichton. (Making himself com- 
 
68 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 fortable on the ground.) We mustn’t waste 
 time. To work, to work. 
 
 CRICHTON (after contemplating him without 
 rancour). Yes, sir. 
 
 (He gets a pot from the hut and hangs ut 
 on a tripod over the fire, which is now 
 burning brighily.) 
 
 TREHERNE. Ernest, you be a little more civil. 
 Crichton, let me help. 
 
 (He ws soon busy helping CRICHTON fo 
 add to the strength of the hut.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (gazing at the pot as ladies are 
 said to gaze on precious stones). Is that—but 
 I suppose I’m dreaming again. (Timidly.) 
 It isn’t by any chance a pot on top of a fire, 
 is it? 
 
 LADY MARY. Indeed, it is, dearest. It is 
 our supper. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I have been dreaming of a pot 
 on a fire for two days. (Quivering.) There’s 
 nothing in it, is there? 
 
 ERNEST. Sniff, uncle. (LORD LOAM sniffs.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (reverenily). It smells of onions! 
 
 (There 1s a sudden diversion.) 
 
u.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 69 
 
 CATHERINE. Father, you have boots! 
 
 LADY MARY. So he has. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Of course I have. 
 
 ERNEST (with greedy cunning). You are 
 actually wearing boots, uncle. It ’s very unsafe, 
 you know, in this climate. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Is it? 
 
 ERNEST. We have all abandoned them, you 
 observe. The blood, the arteries, you know. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I hadn’t a notion. 
 
 (He holds out his feet, and ERNEST kneels.) 
 
 ERNEST. O Lord, yes. 
 
 (In another moment those boots will be 
 his.) 
 
 LADY MARY (quickly). Father, he is trying to 
 get your boots from you. There is nothing in 
 the world we wouldn’t give for boots. 
 
 ERNEST (rising haughtily, a proud spirit 
 misunderstood). I only wanted the loan of 
 them. 
 
 AGATHA (running her fingers along them 
 lovingly). If you lend them to any one, it will 
 be to us, won’t it, father. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Certainly, my child. 
 
70 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 ERNEST. Oh, very well. (He is leaving 
 these selfish ones.) I don’t want your old boots. 
 (He gwes his uncle a last chance.) You don’t 
 think you could spare me one boot? 
 
 LORD LOAM (farily). I do not. 
 
 ERNEST. Quite so. Well, all I can say is 
 I’m sorry for you. 
 
 (He departs to recline elsewhere.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Father, we thought we should 
 never see you again. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I was washed ashore, my dear, 
 clinging to a hencoop. How awful that first 
 night was. 
 
 LADY MARY. Poor father. 
 
 LORD LOAM. When I woke, I wept. Then 
 I began to feel extremely hungry. There was 
 a large turtle on the beach. I remembered 
 from the Swiss Family Robinson that if you 
 turn a turtle over he is helpless. My dears, I 
 crawled towards him, I flung myself upon him 
 —(here he pauses to rub his leg)—the nasty, 
 spiteful brute. 
 
 LADY MARY. You didn’t turn him over? 
 
 LORD LOAM (vindictwely, though he is a kindly 
 
11.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON ‘i 
 
 man). Mary, the senseless thing wouldn’t wait; 
 I found that none of them would wait. 
 
 CATHERINE. We should have been as badly 
 off if Crichton hadn’t-—— 
 
 LADY MARY (quickly). Don’t praise Crichton. 
 
 LORD LOAM. And then thosebeastly monkeys. 
 I always understood that if you flung stones at 
 them they would retaliate by flinging cocoa-nuts 
 at you. Would you believe it, I flung a hundred 
 stones, and not one monkey had sufficient 
 intelligence to grasp my meaning. How I 
 longed for Crichton. 
 
 LADY MARY(wincing). For us also, father ? 
 
 LORD LOAM. For you also. I tried for hours 
 to make a fire. The authors say that when 
 wrecked on an island you can obtain a light by 
 rubbing two pieces of stick together. (With 
 feeling.) The liars! 
 
 LADY MARY. And all this time you thought 
 there was no one on the island but yourself? 
 
 LORD LOAM. I thought so until this morning. 
 I was searching the pools for little fishes, which I 
 caught in my hat, when suddenly I saw before 
 me—on the sand—— 
 
72 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 CATHERINE. What? 
 
 LORD LOAM. A hairpin. 
 
 LADY MARY. A hairpin! It must be one of 
 ours. Give it me, father. 
 
 AGATHA. No, it’s mine. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I didn’t keep it. 
 
 LADY MARY (speaking for all three). Didn’t 
 keep it? Found a hairpin on an island, and 
 didn’t keep it? 
 
 LORD LOAM (humbly). My dears. 
 
 AGATHA (scarcely to be placated). Oh father, 
 we have returned to nature more than you 
 bargained for. 
 
 LADY MARY. For shame, Agatha. (She has 
 something on her mind.) Father, there is some- 
 thing I want you to do at once—I mean to assert 
 your position as the chief person on the island. 
 
 (They are all surprised.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. But who would presume to 
 question it? 
 
 CATHERINE. She must mean Ernest. 
 
 LADY MARY. Must I? 
 
 AGATHA. It’s cruel to say anything against 
 Ernest. 
 
11] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 73 
 
 LORD LOAM (firmly). If any one presumes to 
 challenge my position, I shall make short work 
 of him. 
 
 AGATHA. Here comes Ernest; now see if 
 you can say these horrid things to his face. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I shall teach him his place at 
 once. 
 
 LADY MARY (anxiously). But how? 
 
 LORD LOAM (chuckling). I have just thought 
 of an extremely amusing way of doing it. (As 
 ERNEST approaches.) Ernest. 
 
 ERNEST (lofiily). Excuse me, uncle, I’m 
 thinking. I’m planning out the building of 
 this hut. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I also have been thinking. 
 
 ERNEST. That don’t matter. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Eh? 
 
 ERNEST. Please, please, this is important. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I have been thinking that 1 
 ought to give you my boots. 
 
 ERNEST. What! 
 
 LADY MARY. Father. 
 
 LORD LOAM (genially). Take them, my boy. 
 (With a rapidity we had not thought him capable 
 
74 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 of, ERNEST becomes the wearer of the boots.) And 
 now I dare say you want to know why I give 
 them to you, Ernest ? 
 
 ERNEST (moving up and down in them de- 
 liciously). Notatall. The great thing is, ‘I ’ve 
 got ’em, I ’ve got ’em.’ 
 
 LORD LOAM (majestically, but with a knowing 
 look at his daughters). My reason is that, as 
 head of our little party, you, Ernest, shall 
 be our hunter, you shall clear the forests 
 of those savage beasts that make them so 
 dangerous. (Pleasanily.) And now you know, 
 my dear nephew, why I have given you my 
 boots. 
 
 ERNEST. ‘This is my answer. 
 
 (He kicks off the boots.) 
 
 LADY MARY (still anxious). Father, assert 
 yourself. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I shall now assert myself. 
 (But how to do ut? He has a happy thought.) 
 Call Crichton. 
 
 LADY MARY. Oh father. 
 
 (CRICHTON comes in answer to a summons, 
 and 1s followed by TREHERNE.) 
 
11.| THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 75 
 
 ERNEST (wondering a little at LADY MARY’S 
 grave face). Crichton, look here. 
 
 LORD LOAM (sturdily). Silence! Crichton, I 
 want your advice as to what I ought to do with 
 Mr. Ernest. He has defied me. 
 
 ERNEST. Pooh! 
 
 CRICHTON (after considering). May I speak 
 openly, my lord? 
 
 LADY MARY (keeping her eyes fixed on him). 
 That is what we desire. 
 
 CRICHTON (quite humbly). Then I may say, 
 your lordship, that I have been considering 
 Mr. Ernest’s case at odd moments ever since 
 we were wrecked. 
 
 ERNEST. My case? 
 
 LORD LOAM (sternly). Hush. 
 
 CRICHTON. Since we landed on the island, 
 my lord, it seems to me that Mr. Ernest’s 
 epigrams have been particularly brilliant. 
 
 ERNEST (gratified). ‘Thank you, Crichton. 
 
 CRICHTON. But I find—I seem to find it 
 growing wild, my lord, in the woods, that say- 
 ings which would be justly admired in England 
 are not much use on an island. I would 
 
76 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 therefore most respectfully propose that hence- 
 forth every time Mr. Ernest favours us with 
 an epigram his head should be immersed in a 
 bucket of cold spring water. 
 
 (There vs a terrible silence.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (uneasily). Serve him right. 
 
 ERNEST. I should like to see you try to 
 do it, uncle. 
 
 CRICHTON (ever ready to come to the succour of 
 his lordship). My feeling, my lord, is that 
 at the next offence I should convey him to 
 a retired spot, where I shall carry out the 
 undertaking in as respectful a manner as is 
 consistent with a thorough immersion. 
 
 (Though his manner is most respectful, 
 he rs firm; he evidently means what he 
 says.) 
 
 LADY MARY (a ramrod). Father, you must 
 not permit this; Ernest is your nephew. 
 
 LORD LOAM (with his hand to his brow). 
 After all, he is my nephew, Crichton; and, 
 as I am sure, he now sees that I am a strong 
 
 man 
 ERNEST (foolishly in the circumstances). A 
 
11.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 77 
 
 strong man. You mean a stout man. You 
 
 are one of mind to two of matter. 
 (He looks round in the old way for ap- 
 proval. No one has smiled, and to his 
 consternation he sees that CRICHTON 
 as quietly turning up his _ sleeves. 
 ERNEST makes an appealing gesture to 
 his uncle; then he turns defiantly to 
 CRICHTON.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Is it to be before the ladies, 
 Mr. Ernest, or in the privacy of the wood? 
 (He fixes ERNEST with his eye. ERNEST 12s 
 cowed.) Come. 
 
 ERNEST (affecting bravado). Oh, all right. 
 
 CRICHTON (succinctly). Bring the bucket. 
 
 (ERNEST hesitates. He then lifts the 
 bucket and follows CRICHTON to the nearest 
 spring.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (rather white). I’m sorry for 
 him, but I had to be firm. 
 
 LADY MARY. Oh father, it wasn’t you who 
 was firm. Crichton did it himself. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Bless me, so he did. 
 
 LADY MARY. Father, be strong. 
 
78 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 LORD LOAM (bewildered). You can’t mean 
 that my faithful Crichton 
 LADY MARY. Yes, I do. 
 
 TREHERNE. Lady Mary, I stake my word 
 that Crichton is incapable of acting dis- 
 honourably. 
 
 LADY MARY. I know that; I know it as 
 well as you. Don’t you see that that is what 
 makes him so dangerous ? 
 
 TREHERNE. By Jove, I—I believe I catch 
 your meaning. 
 
 CATHERINE. He is coming back. 
 
 LORD LOAM (who has always known himself 
 to be a man of ideas). Let us all go into the 
 hut, just to show him at once that it is our 
 hut. 
 
 LADY MARY (as they go). Father, I implore 
 you, assert yourself now and for ever. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I will. 
 
 LADY MARY. And, please, don’t ask him 
 how you are to do it 
 
 (cRIcHTON returns with sticks to mend 
 the fire.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (loftily, from the door of the 
 
11.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 79 
 
 hut). Have you carried out my instructions, 
 Crichton? 
 
 CRICHTON (deferentially). Yes, my lord. 
 (ERNEST appears, mopping his hair, 
 which has become very wet since we last 
 saw him. He is not bearing malice, he 
 is too busy drying, but AGATHA ts specially 
 his champion.) 
 
 AGATHA. It’s infamous, infamous. 
 
 LORD LOAM (strongly). My orders, Agatha. 
 
 LADY MARY. Now, father, please. 
 
 LORD LOAM (striking an attitude). Before I 
 give you any further orders, Crichton—— 
 
 CRICHTON. Yes, my lord. 
 
 LORD LOAM (delighted). Pooh! It’s all 
 right. 
 
 LADY MARY. No. Please go on. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Well, well. This question of 
 the leadership;. what do you think now, 
 Crichton? 
 
 CRICHTON. My lord, I feel it is a matter 
 with which J have nothing to do. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Excellent, Ha, Mary? That 
 settles it, I think. 
 
80 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 LADY MARY. It seems to, but—I ’m not sure. 
 
 CRICHTON. It will settle itself naturally, 
 my lord, without any interference from us. 
 
 (The reference to Nature gives general 
 dissatisfaction.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Father. 
 
 LORD LOAM (a little severely). It settled 
 itself long ago, Crichton, when I was born a 
 peer, and you, for instance, were born a servant. 
 
 CRICHTON (acquiescing). Yes, my lord, that 
 was how it all came about quite naturally in 
 England. We had nothing to do with it there, 
 and we shall have as little to do with it here. 
 
 TREHERNE (relieved). That’s all right. 
 
 LADY MARY (determined to clinch the matter). 
 One moment. Im short, Crichton, his lord- 
 ship will continue to be our natural head. 
 
 cRIicHTON. I dare say, my lady, I dare say. 
 
 CATHERINE. But you must know. 
 
 cricuton. Asking your pardon, my lady, 
 one can’t be sure—on an island. 
 
 (They look at each other uneasily.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (warningly). Crichton, I don’t 
 
 like this. 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 81 
 
 CRICHTON (harassed). The more I think of it, 
 your lordship, the more uneasy I become myself. 
 When I heard, my lord, that you had left that 
 hairpin behind—— 
 
 (He ts pained.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (feebly). One hairpin among so 
 many would only have caused dissension. 
 
 CRICHTON (very sorry to have to contradict hin). 
 Not so, my lord. From that hairpin we could 
 have made a needle; with that needle we could, 
 out of skins, have sewn trousers—of which 
 your lordship is in need; indeed, we are all 
 in need of them. 
 
 LADY MARY (suddenly self-conscious). All? 
 
 CRICHTON. On an island, my lady. 
 
 LADY MARY. Father. 
 
 CRICHTON (really more distressed by the prospect 
 than she). My lady, if Nature does not think 
 them necessary, you may be sure she will not 
 ask you to wear them. (Shaking his head.) 
 But among all this undergrowth 
 
 LADY MARY. Now you see this man in his 
 true colours. 
 LORD LOAM (violently). Crichton, you will 
 
82 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [act 
 
 either this moment say, ‘Down with Nature,’ 
 or—— 
 
 CRICHTON (scandalised). My Lord! 
 
 ' LORD LOAM (loftily).. Then this is my last 
 word to you; take a month’s notice. 
 (If the hut had a door he would now 
 shut wt to indicate that the interview ws 
 closed.) 
 
 CRICHTON (2n great distress). Your lordship, 
 the disgrace—— 
 
 LORD LOAM (swelling). Not another word: 
 you may go. 
 
 LADY MARY (adamant). And don’t come to 
 me, Crichton, for a character. 
 
 ERNEST (whose wnmersion has cleared his 
 brain). Aren’t you all forgetting that this is an 
 island? 
 
 (This brings them to earth with a bump. 
 LORD LOAM looks to his eldest daughter 
 for the fitting response.) 
 
 LADY MARY (equal to the occasion). It makes 
 only this difference—that you may go at once, 
 Crichton, to some other part of the island. 
 
 (The faithful servant has been true to 
 
1.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 83 
 
 his superiors ever since he was created, 
 and never more true than at this moment; 
 but his fidelity is founded on trust in 
 Nature, and to be untrue to tt would be 
 to be untrue to them. He lets the wood 
 he has been gathering slip to the ground, 
 and bows his sorrowful head. He turns 
 to obey. Then affection for these great 
 ones wells up in him.) 
 
 CRICHTON. My lady, let me work for you. 
 
 LADY MARY. Go. 
 
 CRICHTON. You need me so sorely; I can’t 
 desert you; I won’t. 
 
 LADY MARY (in alarm, lest the others may 
 yield). ‘Then, father, there is but one alterna- 
 tive, we must leave him. 
 
 (LORD LOAM 1s looking yearningly at 
 CRICHTON.) 
 
 TREHERNE. It seems a pity. 
 
 CATHERINE (forlornly). You will work for 
 us? 
 
 TREHERNE. Most willingly. But I must 
 warn you all that, so far, Crichton has done 
 nine-tenths of the scoring. 
 
84 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 LADY MARY. The question is, are we to 
 leave this man ? | 
 
 LORD LOAM (wrapping himself in his dignity). 
 Come, my dears. 
 
 CRICHTON. My lord! 
 
 LORD LOAM. ‘Treherne—Ernest—get our 
 things. 
 
 ERNEST. We don’t have any, uncle. They 
 all belong to Crichton. 
 
 TREHERNE. Everything we have he brought 
 from the wreck—he went back to it before it 
 sank. He risked his life. 
 
 cricHToN. My lord, anything you would 
 care to take is yours. 
 
 LADY MARY (quickly). Nothing. 
 
 ERNEST. Rot! If I could have your socks, 
 Crichton 
 
 LADY MARY. Come, father; we are ready. 
 
 (Followed by the others, she and LORD 
 LOAM pick their way up the rocks. In 
 
 their indignation they scarcely notice 
 that daylight ws coming to a sudden 
 end.) 
 
 CRICHTON. My lord, I implore you—I am 
 
11.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 85 
 
 not desirous of being head. Do you have a 
 try at it, my lord. 
 LORD LOAM (outraged). <A try at it! 
 CRICHTON (eagerly). It may be that you will 
 prove to be the best man. 
 LORD LOAM. Maybe! My children, come. 
 (They disappear proudly in single file.) 
 TREHERNE. Crichton, I’m sorry; but of 
 course I must go with them. 
 CRICHTON. Certainly, sir. 
 (He calls to TWEENY, and she comes from 
 behind the hut, where she has been watching 
 breathlessly.) 
 Will you be so kind, sir, as to take her to the 
 others? 
 TREHERNE. Assuredly. 
 TWEENY. But what do it all mean? 
 CRICHTON. Does, Tweeny, does. (He passes 
 her up the rocks to TREHERNE.) We shall meet 
 again soon, weeny. Good night, sir. 
 TREHERNE. Good night. I dare say they 
 are not far away. 
 CRICHTON (thoughtfully). They went westward, 
 sir, and the wind is blowing in that direction. 
 
86 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 That may mean, sir, that Nature is already 
 
 taking the matter into her own hands. They 
 
 are all hungry, sir, and the pot has come 
 
 a-boil. (He takes off the lid.) The smell will 
 
 be borne westward. That pot is full of Nature, 
 Mr. Treherne. Good night, sir. 
 
 TREHERNE. Good night. 
 
 (He mounts the rocks with TWEENY, and 
 
 they are heard for a litile time after their 
 
 figures are swallowed up in the fast grow- 
 
 ing darkness. CRICHTON stands motionless, 
 
 the lid in his hand, though he has forgotten 
 
 at, and his reason for taking ut off the pot. 
 
 He ws deeply stirred, but presently is 
 
 ashamed of his dejection, for vt 1s as of he 
 
 doubted his principles. Bravely true to 
 
 his faith that Nature will decide now as 
 
 ever before, he proceeds manfully with his 
 
 preparations for the night. He lights 
 
 a ship’s lantern, one of several treasures 
 
 he has brought ashore, and is filling his 
 
 pipe with crumbs of tobacco from various 
 
 pockets, when the stealthy movements of 
 
 some animal in the grass startles him. 
 
11. ] 
 
 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 87 
 
 With the lantern in one hand and his 
 cutlass in the other, he searches the ground 
 around the hut. He returns, lights his 
 pipe, and sits down by the fire, which casts 
 weird moving shadows. There is a red 
 gleam on his face; in the darkness he is a 
 strong and perhaps rather sinister figure. 
 In the great stillness that has fallen over 
 the land, the wash of the surf seems to 
 have increased in volume. The sound is 
 indescribably mournful. Except where the 
 fire ts, desolation has fallen on the island 
 like a pall. 
 
 Once or twice, as Nature dictates, 
 CRICHTON leans forward to stir the pot, 
 and the smell is borne westward. He then 
 resumes his silent vigil. 
 
 Shadows other than those cast by the fire 
 begin to descend the rocks. They are the 
 adventurers returning. One by one they 
 
 ‘steal nearer to the pot until they are 
 
 squatted round it, with their hands out 
 to the blaze. LADY MARY only 1s absent. 
 Presently she comes within sight of the 
 
 - 
 
88 
 
 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [acr un. 
 others, then stands against a tree with her 
 
 teeth clenched. One wonders, ‘perhaps, 
 what Nature is to make of her.) 
 
 End of Act II. 
 
AGT Tit 
 
 Ce Ft 
 
 a = 
 
 a 
 
ACT III 
 THE HAPPY HOME 
 
 The scene is the hall of their island home two years 
 later. This sturdy log-house 1s no mere extension of 
 the hut we have seen wn process of erection, but has 
 been built a mile or less to the west of it, on higher 
 ground and near a stream. When the master chose 
 this site, the others thought that all he expected from 
 the stream was a sufficiency of drinking water. They 
 know better now every time they go down to the mill 
 or turn on the electric light. 
 
 This hall is the living-room of the house, and walls 
 and roof are of stout logs. Across the joists supporting 
 the roof are laid many home-made implements, such as 
 spades, saws, fishing-rods, and from hooks in the 
 joists are suspended cured foods, of which hams are 
 specially in evidence. Deep recesses half way up the 
 walls contain various provender vn barrels and sacks. 
 There are some skins, trophies of the chase, on the 
 floor, which is otherwise bare. The chairs and 
 
 tables are in some cases hewn out of the solid wood, 
 91 
 
92 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 and in others the result of rough but efficient carpenter- 
 ing. Various pieces of wreckage from the yacht have 
 been turned to novel uses: thus the steering-wheel 
 now hangs from the centre of the roof, with electric 
 lights attached to it encased in bladders. A lifebuoy 
 has become the back of a chair. Two barrels have been 
 halved and turn coyly from each other as a settee. 
 
 The farther end of the room is more strictly the 
 kitchen, and is a great recess, which can be shut off 
 from the hall by folding doors. There is a large open 
 fire in tt. The chimney is half of one of the boats of 
 the yacht. On the walls of the kitchen proper are 
 many ‘plate-racks, containing shells; there are rows 
 of these of one size and shape, which mark them off 
 as dinner plates or bowls; others are as obviously 
 tureens. They are arranged primly as in a well- 
 conducted kitchen; indeed, neatness and cleanliness 
 are the note struck everywhere, yet the effect of the 
 whole is romantic and barbaric. 
 
 The outer door into this hall is a litile peculiar on 
 an island. It is covered with skins and is in four 
 leaves, like the swing doors of fashionable restaurants, 
 which allow you to enter without allowing the hot air 
 to escape. During the winter season our castaways 
 have found the contriwance useful, but Crichton’s 
 brain was perhaps a little lordly when he conceived 
 
m.] §$.THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 93 
 
 it. Another door leads by a passage to the sleeping- 
 rooms of the house, which are all on the ground-floor, 
 and to Crichton’s work-room, where he is at this 
 moment, and whither we should like to follow him, 
 but in a play we may not, as rt 1s out of sight. There 
 is a large window space without a window, which, 
 however, can be shuttered, and through this we have a 
 view of cattle-sheds, fowl-pens, and a field of grain. 
 It ts a fine summer evening. 
 
 Tweeny is sitting there, very busy plucking the 
 feathers off a bird and dropping them on a sheet placed 
 for that purpose on the floor. She is trilling to herself 
 in the lightness of her heart. We may remember 
 that Tweeny, alone among the women, had dressed 
 wisely for an island when they fled the yacht, and 
 her going-away gown still adheres to her, though in 
 fragments. A score of pieces have been added here 
 and there as necessity compelled, and these have been 
 patched and repatched in incongruous colours; but, 
 when all is said and done, it can still be maintained 
 that Tweeny wears a skirt. She rs deservedly proud 
 of her skirt, and sometimes lends it on vumportant occa- 
 sions when approached in the proper spirit. 
 
 Some one outside has been whistling to Tweeny; the 
 guarded whistle which, on a less savage island, is 
 sometimes assumed to be an indication to cook that 
 
94 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 the constable is willing, if the coast be clear. Tweeny, 
 however, vs engrossed, or perhaps she is not in the 
 mood for a follower, so he climbs in at the window 
 undaunted, to take her willy nilly. He is a jolly- 
 looking labouring man, who answers to the name of 
 Daddy, and— But though that may be his island 
 name, we recognise him at once. He is Lord Loam, 
 settled down to the new conditions, and enjoying life 
 heartily as handy-man about the happy home. He is 
 comfortably attired in skins. He is still stout, but all 
 the flabbiness has dropped from him; gone too is his 
 pomposity; his eye is clear, brown his skin; he 
 could leap a gate. 
 
 In his hands he carries an island-made concertina, 
 and such is the exuberance of his spirits that, as he 
 lights on the floor, he bursts into music and song, some- 
 thing about his being a chickety chickety chick chick, 
 and will Tweeny please to tell him whose chickety chick 
 is she. Retribution follows sharp. We hear a whir, 
 as if from insufficiently oiled machinery, and over the 
 passage door appears a placard showing the one word 
 ‘Silence.’ His lordship stops, and steals to Tweeny 
 on his tuptoes. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I thought the Gov. was out. 
 
mt.) §$.THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 95 
 
 TWEENY. Well, you see he ain’t. And if 
 
 he were to catch you here idling 
 (LORD LOAM pales. He lays aside his 
 musical instrument and hurriedly dons an 
 apron. TWEENY gives him the bird to 
 pluck, and busies herself laying the table 
 for dinner.) 
 LORD LOAM (softly). What is he doing now? 
 TWEENY. I think he’s working out that 
 plan for laying on hot and cold. 
 LORD LOAM (proud of his master). And he ’ll 
 manage it too. The man who could build a 
 
 blacksmith’s forge without tools 
 TWEENY (not less proud). He made the tools. 
 LORD LOAM. Out of half a dozen rusty 
 nails. The saw-mill, Tweeny; the speaking- 
 tube; the electric lighting; and look at the 
 use he has made of the bits of the yacht that 
 were washed ashore. And all in two years. 
 He ’s a master I ’m proud to pluck for. 
 (He chirps happily at his work, and she 
 regards him curiously.) 
 TWEENY. Daddy, you’re of little use, but 
 you ’re a bright, cheerful creature to have about 
 
96 ° THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 the house. (He beams at this commendation.) 
 Do you ever think of old times now? We 
 was a bit different. 
 
 LORD LOAM (pausing). Circumstances alter 
 cases. 
 
 (He resumes his plucking contentedly.) 
 
 TWEENY. But, Daddy, if the chance was 
 to come of getting back? 
 
 LORD LOAM. I have given up bothering about 
 it. 
 
 TWEENY. You bothered that day long ago 
 when we saw a ship passing the island. How 
 we all ran like crazy folk into the water, Daddy, 
 and screamed and held out our arms. (They 
 are both a little agitated.) But it sailed away, 
 and we ’ve never seen another. 
 
 LORD LOAM. If we had had the electrical 
 contrivance we have now we could have 
 attracted that ship’s notice. (Their eyes rest 
 on a mysterious apparatus that fills a corner of 
 the hall.) A touch on that lever, Tweeny, 
 and in a few moments bonfires would be blazing 
 all round the shore. 
 
 TWEENY (backing from the lever as if tt might 
 
mur] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 97 
 
 spring at her). It’s the most wonderful thing 
 he has done. 
 
 LORD LOAM (in a reverie). And then— 
 England—home! 
 
 TWEENY (also seeing visions). London of a 
 Saturday night! 
 
 LORD LOAM. My lords, in rising once more 
 
 to address this historic chamber 
 TWEENY. There was a little ham and beef 
 shop off the Edgware Road 
 (The visions fade; they return to the 
 
 practical.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. ‘Tweeny, do you think I could 
 
 have an egg to my tea? 
 
 (At this moment a wiry, athletic figure 
 in skins darkens the window. He 1s 
 carrying two pails, which are sus- 
 pended from a pole on his shoulder, 
 and he is ERNEST. We should say that 
 he is ERNEST completely changed if we 
 were of those who hold that people change. 
 As he enters by the window he has heard 
 LORD LOAM’s appeal, and is perhaps 
 gustifiably indignant.) 
 
98 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 ERNEST. What is that about an egg? Why 
 should you have an egg? 
 
 LORD LOAM (with hauteur). That is my 
 affair, sir. (With a Parthian shot as he with- 
 draws stiffly from the room.) The Gov. has 
 never put my head in a bucket. 
 
 ERNEST (coming to rest on one of his buckets, 
 and speaking with excusable pride. To TWEENY). 
 Nor mine for nearly three months. It was 
 only last week, Tweeny, that he said to me, 
 ‘Ernest, the water cure has worked marvels 
 in you, and I question whether I shall 
 require to dip you any more.’ (Complacently.) 
 Of course that sort of thing encourages a 
 fellow. 
 
 TWEENY (who has now arranged the dinner 
 table to her satisfaction). I will say, Erny, I 
 never seen a young chap more improved. 
 
 ERNEST (gratified). Thank you, Tweeny, 
 that ’s very precious to me. 
 
 (She retires to the fire to work the great 
 bellows with her foot, and ERNEST turns 
 to TREHERNE, who has come in looking 
 more like a cow-boy than a clergyman. 
 
mm.) $$HE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 99 
 
 He has a small box in his hand which he 
 tries to conceal.) 
 
 What have you got there, John? 
 
 TREHERNE. Don’t tell anybody. It is a 
 little present for the Gov.; a set of razors. 
 One for each day in the week. 
 
 ERNEST (opening the box and examining its 
 contents.) Shells! Hell like that. He likes 
 sets of things. 
 
 TREHERNE (in a guarded voice). Have you 
 noticed that ? 
 
 ERNEST. Rather. 
 
 TREHERNE. He’s becoming a bit magnifi- 
 cent in his ideas. 
 
 ERNEST (huskily). John, it sometimes gives 
 me the creeps. 
 
 TREHERNE (making sure that TWEENY 1s 
 out of hearing). What do you think of that 
 brilliant robe he got the girls to make for 
 him. 
 
 ERNEST (uncomfortably). I think he looks too 
 regal in it. 
 
 TREHERNE. Regal! I sometimes fancy that 
 that ’s why he’s so fond of wearing it. (Prac- 
 
100 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 tically.) Well, I must take these down to the 
 grindstone and put an edge on them. 
 
 ERNEST (button-holing him). I say, John, I 
 want ‘a word with you. 
 
 TREHERNE. Well? 
 
 ERNEST (become suddenly diffident). . Dash it 
 all, you know, you ’re a clergyman. 
 
 TREHERNE. One of the best things the Gov. 
 has done is to insist that none of you forget it. 
 
 ERNEST (taking his courage in his hands). 
 Then—would you, John? 
 
 TREHERNE. What? 
 
 ERNEST (wistfully). Officiate at a marriage 
 ceremony, John? 
 
 TREHERNE (slowly). Now, that’s really odd. 
 
 ERNEST. Odd? Seems to me it’s natural. 
 And whatever is natural, John, is right. 
 
 TREHERNE. I mean that same question has 
 been put to me to-day already. 
 
 ERNEST (eagerly). By one of the women? 
 
 ‘TREHERNE. Oh no; they all put it to me 
 long ago. This was by the Gov. himself. 
 
 ERNEST. By Jove! (Admiringly.) I say, 
 John, what an observant beggar he is. 
 
m.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 101 
 
 TREHERNE. Ah! You fancy he was thinking 
 of you? 
 
 ERNEST. I do not hesitate to affirm, John, 
 that he has seen the love-light in my eyes. You 
 
 answered 
 
 TREHERNE. I said Yes, [ thought it would be 
 my duty to officiate if called upon. 
 
 ERNEST. You ’re a brick. 
 
 TREHERNE (still pondering). But I wonder 
 whether he was thinking of you? 
 
 ERNEST. Make your mind easy about that. 
 
 TREHERNE. Well, my best wishes. Agatha 
 is a very fine girl. 
 
 ERNEST. Agatha? What made you think 
 it was Agatha? 
 
 TREHERNE. Man alive, you told me all about 
 it soon after we were wrecked. 
 
 ERNEST. Pooh! Agatha’s all very well in 
 her way, John, but I ’m flying at bigger game. 
 
 TREHERNE. Ernest, which is it? 
 
 ERNEST. Tweeny, of course. 
 
 TREHERNE. Tweeny? (Reprovingly.) Ernest, 
 I hope her cooking has nothing to do with 
 this. 
 
102 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 ERNEST (with dignity). Her cooking has very 
 little to do with it. 
 
 TREHERNE. But does she return your 
 affection. 
 
 ERNEST (simply). Yes, John, I believe I 
 may say so. I am unworthy of her, but I think 
 I have touched her heart. 
 
 TREHERNE (with a sigh). Some people seem 
 to have all the luck. As you know, Catherine 
 won't look at me. 
 
 ERNEST. I’m sorry, John. 
 
 TREHERNE. It’s my deserts; I’m a second 
 eleven sort of chap. Well, my heartiest good 
 wishes, Ernest. 
 
 ERNEST. Thank you, John. How’s the 
 little black pig to-day ? 
 
 TREHERNE (departing). He has begun to eat 
 again. 
 
 (After a moment’s reflection ERNEST calls 
 to TWEENY.) 
 
 ERNEST. Are you very busy, Tweeny ? 
 
 TWEENY (coming to him good-naturedly). 
 There ’s always work to do; but if you want 
 
 me, Ernest 
 
m.}] HE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ 103 
 
 ERNEST. ‘There ’s something I should like to 
 say to you if you could spare me a moment. 
 
 TWEENY. Willingly. What is it? 
 
 ERNEST. What an ass I used to be, Tweeny. 
 
 TWEENY (foleranily). Oh, let bygones be 
 bygones. 
 
 ERNEST (sincerely, and at his very best). I’m 
 no great shakes even now. But listen to 
 this, Tweeny; I have known many women, 
 but until I knew you I never knew any 
 woman. 
 
 TWEENY (io whose uneducated ears this sounds 
 dangerously like an epigram). 'Take care—the 
 bucket. 
 
 ERNEST (hurriedly). I didn’t mean it in that 
 way. (He goes chivalrously on his knees.) Ah, 
 Tweeny, I don’t undervalue the bucket, but 
 what I want to say now is that the sweet refine- 
 ment of a dear girl has done more for me than 
 any bucket could do. 
 ~ TWEENY (with large eyes). Are you offering 
 to walk out with me, Erny ? 
 
 ERNEST (passionately). More than that. I 
 want to build a little house for you—in the 
 
104 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [act 
 
 sunny glade down by Porcupine Creek. I want 
 to make chairs for you and tables; and knives 
 and forks, and a sideboard for you. 
 
 TWEENY (who is fond of language). I like to 
 hear you. (Eyeing him.) Would there be any 
 one in the house except myself, Ernest ? 
 
 ERNEST (humbly). Not often; but just 
 occasionally there would be your adoring 
 husband. 
 
 TWEENY (decisively). It won’t do, Ernest. 
 
 ERNEST (pleading). It isn’t as if I should be 
 
 much there. 
 ‘ pweEEeny. I know, I know; but I don’t love 
 you, Ernest. I’m that sorry. 
 
 ERNEST (putting his case cleverly). Twice a 
 week I should be away altogether—at the dam. 
 On the other days you would never see me from 
 breakfast time to supper. 
 
 (With the self-abnegation of the true 
 lover.) 
 If you like I ‘Il even go fishing on Sundays. 
 
 TWEENY. It’s no use, Erny. 
 
 ERNEST (rising manfully). Thank you, 
 Tweeny; it can’t be helped. (Then he re- 
 
mm.) THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 105 
 
 members.) Tweeny, we shall be disappointing 
 the Gov. 
 
 TWEENY (with a sinking). What’s that? 
 
 ERNEST. He wanted us to marry. 
 
 TWEENY (blankly). You and me? the Gov.! 
 (Her head droops woefully. From without is 
 heard the whistling of a happier spirit, and 
 TWEENY draws herself up fiercely.) That ’s her; 
 that’s the thing what has stole his heart 
 from me. 
 
 (A stalwart youth appears at the window, 
 so handsome and tingling with vitality 
 that, glad to depose CRICHTON, we cry 
 thankfully, ‘The hero at last.’ But tt 1s 
 not the hero; wt is the heroine. This 
 splendid boy, clad in skins, ws what 
 Nature has done for LADY MARY. She 
 carries bow and arrows and a blow-pipe, 
 and over her shoulder is a fat buck, 
 which she drops with a cry of triumph. 
 Forgetting to enter demurely, she leaps 
 through the window.) 
 
 (Sourly.) Drat you, Polly, why don’t you wipe 
 your feet ? 
 
106 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 LADY MARY (good-naturedly). Come, Tweeny, 
 be nice to me. It’s a splendid buck. 
 
 (But TWEENY shakes her off, and retires 
 to the kitchen fire.) 
 
 ERNEST. Where did you get it? 
 
 LADY MARY (gazly). I sighted a herd near 
 Penguin’s Creek, but had to creep round Silver 
 Lake to get to windward of them. How- 
 ever, they spotted me and then the fun began. 
 There was nothing for it but to try and run 
 them down, so I singled out a fat buck and 
 away we went down the shore of the lake, 
 up the valley of rolling stones; he doubled 
 into Brawling River and took to the water, 
 but I swam after him; the river is only half 
 a mile broad there, but it runs strong. He 
 went spinning down the rapids, down I went 
 in pursuit; he clambered ashore, I clambered 
 ashore; away we tore helter-skelter up the 
 hill and down again. I Jost him in the marshes, 
 got on his track again near Bread Fruit Wood, 
 and brought him down with an arrow in Firefly 
 Grove. 
 
 _ TWEENY (staring at her). Aren’t you tired? 
 
mi.) THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 107 
 
 LADY MARY. ‘Tired! It was gorgeous. 
 (She runs wp a ladder and depostis her 
 weapons on the joists. She is whistling 
 again.) 
 TWEENY (snapping). I can’t abide a woman 
 whistling. 
 LADY MARY (indifferently). I like it. 
 TWEENY (stamping her foot). Drop it, Polly, 
 I tell you. 
 LADY MARY (stung). I won’t. I’m as good 
 as you are. 
 (They are facing each other defiantly.) 
 ERNEST (shocked). Isthisnecessary? Think 
 how it would pain him. 
 (LADY MARY’s eyes take a new expression. 
 We see them soft for the first time.) | 
 LADY MARY (contritely). ‘Tweeny, I beg your 
 pardon. If my whistling annoys you, I shall 
 try to cure myself of it. 
 (Instead of calming TWEENY, this floods 
 her face in tears.) 
 Why, how can that hurt you, Tweeny dear? 
 TWEENY. Because I can’t make you lose 
 your temper. 
 
108 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 LADY MARY (divinely). Indeed, I often do. 
 Would that I were nicer to everybody. 
 
 TWEENY. There you are again. (Wist- 
 fully.) What makes you want to be so nice, 
 Polly? 
 
 LADY MARY (with fervour). Only thankful- 
 ness, Tweeny. (She exults.) It is such fun to 
 be alive. 
 
 (So also seem to think CATHERINE and 
 AGATHA, who bounce in with fishing- 
 rods and creel. They, too, are in manly 
 ativre.) 
 
 CATHERINE. We’ve got some ripping fish 
 for the Gov.’s dinner. Are we in time? We 
 ran all the way. 
 
 TWEENY (tartly). You'll please to cook 
 them yourself, Kitty, and look sharp about it. 
 
 (She retires to her hearth, where AGATHA 
 follows her.) | 
 
 AGATHA (yearning). Has the Gov. decided 
 who is to wait upon him to-day ? 
 
 CATHERINE (who is cleaning her fish). It’s 
 my turn. 
 
 AGATHA (hotly). I don’t see that. 
 
m.] §$.THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ 109 
 
 TWEENY (with bitterness). It’s to be neither 
 of you, Aggy; he wants Polly again. 
 
 (LADY MARY 2s unable to resist a joyous 
 whistle.) 
 
 AGATHA (jealously). Polly, you toad. 
 
 (But they cannot make LADY MARY angry.) 
 
 TWEENY (storming). How dare you look so 
 happy? 
 
 LADY MARY (willing to embrace her). I wish, 
 Tweeny, there was anything I could do to 
 make you happy also. 
 
 TWEENY. Me! Oh, I’m happy. (She re- 
 members ERNEST, whom wt is easy to forget on an 
 tsland.) I’ve just had a proposal, I tell you. 
 
 (LADY MARY 7s shaken at last, and her 
 sisters with her.) 
 
 AGATHA. A proposal? 
 
 CATHERINE (going white). Not—not—— 
 
 (She dare not say his name.) 
 
 ERNEST (with singular modesty). You needn’t 
 be alarmed; it’s only me. 
 
 LADY MARY (relieved). Oh, you! 
 
 AGATHA (happy again). Ernest, you dear, I 
 got such a shock. 
 
110 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON fact 
 
 CATHERINE. It was only Ernest. (Showsng 
 him her fish in thankfulness.) They are beauti- 
 fully fresh; come and help me to cook them. 
 
 ERNEST (with simple dignity). Do you mind 
 if I don’t cook fish to-night? (She does not 
 mind in the least. They have all forgotten him. 
 A lark ts singing wn three hearis.) I think you 
 might all be a little sorry fora chap. (But they 
 are not even sorry, and he addresses AGATHA in 
 these winged words:) I’m _ particularly dis- 
 appointed in you, Aggy; seeing that I was 
 half engaged to you, I think you might 
 have had the good feeling to be a little more 
 hurt. 
 
 AGATHA. Oh, bother. 
 
 ERNEST (summing up the situation in so far 
 as ut affects himself). I shall now go and lie 
 down for a bit. 
 
 (He retires coldly but unregretied. LADY 
 MARY approaches TWEENY with her most 
 insinuating smile.) 
 
 LADY MARY. ‘Tweeny, as the Gov. has chosen 
 me to wait on him, please may I have the loan 
 of 2 again? 
 
ui} THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 111 
 
 (The reference made with such charming 
 delicacy 1s evidently to TWEENY’S skvrt.) 
 -TWEENY (doggedly). No, you mayn’t. 
 
 AGATHA (supporting TWEENY). Don’t you 
 give it to her. 
 
 LADY MARY (sizll trying sweet persuasion). 
 You know quite well that he prefers to be waited 
 on in a skirt. 
 
 \ tTwEENY. Idon’tcare. Get one for yourself. 
 LADY MARY. It is the only one on the island. 
 TWEENY. And it’s mine. 
 
 LADY MARY (an aristocrat after all). Tweeny, 
 give me that skirt directly. 
 
 CATHERINE. Don’t. 
 
 \ TwEHENY. I won’t. 
 
 LADY MARY (clearing for action). Ishall make 
 you. 
 
 TWEENY. I should like to see you try. 
 
 (An unseemly fracas appears to be in- 
 evitable, but something happens. The 
 whir is again heard, and the notice rs dis- 
 played ‘Dogs delight to bark and bite.’ Its 
 effect is instantaneous and cheering. The 
 ladies look at each other guiltily and vm- 
 
112 
 
 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 mediately proceed on tuptoe to their duties. 
 These are all concerned with the master’s 
 dinner. CATHERINE attends to his fish. 
 AGATHA fills a quaint toast-rack and brings 
 the menu, which ts written on a shell. 
 LADY MARY twists a wreath of green leaves 
 around her head, and places a flower 
 beside the master’s plate. TWEENY signs 
 that all vs ready, and she and the younger 
 sisters retire into the kitchen, drawing the 
 screen that separates rt from the rest of the 
 room. LADY MARY beats a tom-tom, 
 which is the dinner bell. She then gently 
 works a punkah, which we have not 
 hitherto observed, and stands at atten- 
 tion. No doubt she ws in hopes that 
 the Gov. will enter into conversation with 
 her, but she ts too good a parlour-maid 
 to let her hopes appear in her face. We 
 may watch her manner with complete 
 approval. There is not one of us who 
 would not give her £26 a year. 
 
 The master comes in quietly, a book in 
 his hand, still the only book on the island, 
 
1i1.] 
 
 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 113 
 
 for he has not thought tt worth while to 
 build a printing-press. His dress ts not 
 noticeably different from that of the others, 
 the skins are similar, but perhaps these 
 are a trifle more carefully cut or he carries 
 them better. One sees somehow that he 
 has changed for his evening meal. There 
 as an odd suggestion of a dinner jacket 
 about his doeskin coat. It is, perhaps, 
 too grave a face for a man of thirty-two, as 
 of he were over much immersed in affairs, 
 yet there is a sunny smile left to lighten ut 
 at tumes and bring back its youth; perhaps 
 too intellectual a face to pass as strictly 
 handsome, not sufficiently suggestwe of 
 oats. His tall figure is very straight, 
 slight rather than thick-set, but nobly 
 muscular. His big hands, firm and hard 
 with labour though they be, are finely 
 shaped—note the fingers so much more 
 tapered, the nails better tended than 
 those of his domestics; they are one of 
 many indications that he is of a superior 
 breed. Such signs, as has often been 
 
114 
 
 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 pointed out, are infallible. A romantic 
 figure, too. One can easily see why the 
 women-folks of this strong man’s house 
 both adore and fear him. 
 
 He does not seem to notice who is waiting 
 on him to-night, but inclines his head 
 slighily to whoever it is, as she takes 
 her place at the back of his chair. Lavy 
 MARY respectfully places the menu-shell 
 before him, and he glances at tt.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Clear, please. 
 
 (LADY MARY knocks on the screen, and a 
 serving hutch in tt opens, through which 
 TWEENY offers two soup plates. LADY 
 MARY Selects the clear, and the aperture is 
 closed. She works the punkah while the 
 master partakes of the soup.) 
 
 CRICHTON (who always gives praise where ti is 
 
 due). 
 
 An excellent soup, Polly, but still a 
 
 trifle too rich. 
 LADY MARY. Thank you. 
 
 (The next course is the fish, and while 
 au is being passed through the hutch we 
 have a glimpse of three jealous women. 
 
m.] .THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 115 
 
 LADY MARY’S movements are so deft and 
 norseless that any observant spectator can 
 see that she was born to wait at table.) 
 CRICHTON (unbending as he eats). Polly, you 
 are a very smart girl. 
 LADY MARY (brindling, but naturally gratvfied). 
 La! 
 CRICHTON (smzling). And I’m not the first 
 you ve heard it from, I Il swear. 
 LADY MARY (wriggling). Oh Gov.! 
 CRICHTON. Got any followers on the island, 
 Polly? 
 LADY MARY (tossing her head). Certainly not. 
 CRICHTON. I thought that perhaps John or 
 
 Ernest 
 LADY MARY (étlting her nose). I don’t say 
 that it ’s for want of asking. 
 CRICHTON (emphatically). I’m sure it isn’t. 
 (Perhaps he thinks he has gone too far.) 
 You may clear. 
 (Flushed with pleasure, she puts before 
 him a bird and vegetables, sees that his 
 beaker is filled with wine, and returns 
 to the punkah. She would love to continue 
 
1146 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - jacr 
 
 ther conversation, but iz is for him to 
 decide. For a time he seems to have 
 forgotten her.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Did you lose any arrows to-day ? 
 
 LADY MARY. Only one in Firefly Grove. 
 
 CRICHTON. You were as far as that? How 
 did you get across the Black Gorge? 
 
 LADY MARY. I went across on the rope. 
 
 CRICHTON. Hand over hand? 
 
 LADY MARY (swelling at the implied praise). I 
 wasn’t in the least dizzy. 
 
 CRICHTON (moved). You brave girl! (He 
 sits back in his chair a little agitated.) But never 
 do that again. 
 
 LADY MARY (pouting). It is such fun, Gov. 
 
 CRICHTON (decisively). I forbid it. 
 
 LADY MARY (the litile rebel). I shall. 
 
 CRICHTON (surprised). Polly! 
 
 (He signs to her sharply to step forward, 
 but for a moment she holds back petu- 
 lantly, and even when she does come ut is 
 less obediently than like a naughty, sulky 
 child. Nevertheless, with the forbearance 
 that ts characteristic of the man, he addresses 
 
m.} THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 117 
 
 her with grave gentleness rather than 
 severely.) 
 You must do as I tell you, you know. 
 LADY MARY (strangely passionate). I shan’t. 
 CRICHTON (smiling at her fury). We shall see. 
 Frown at me, Polly; there, you do it at once. 
 Clench your little fists, stamp your feet, bite 
 
 your ribbons 
 (A student of women, or at least of this 
 woman, he knows that she ts about to do 
 those things, and thus she seems to do 
 them to order. LADY MARY screws up 
 her face like a baby and cries. He ts 
 immediately kind.) 
 
 You child of Nature; was it cruel of me to 
 
 wish to save you from harm? 
 
 LADY MARY (drying her eyes). I’m an un- 
 gracious wretch. Oh Gov., I don’t try half hard 
 enough to please you. I’m even wearing—(she 
 looks down sadly)—when I know you prefer zt. 
 
 CRICHTON (thoughifully). I admit I do prefer 
 it. Perhaps I am a little old-fashioned in these 
 matters. 
 
 (Her tears again threaten.) 
 
118 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 Ah, don’t, Polly; that ’s nothing. 
 LADY MARY. If I could only please you, Gov. 
 CRICHTON (slowly). You do please me, child, 
 very much—(he half rises)—very much indeed. 
 (If he meant to say more he checks himself. He 
 looks at his plate.) No more, thank you. 
 (The simple island meal is ended, save for 
 the walnuts and the wine, and CRICHTON 
 as too busy a man to linger long over them. 
 But he ws a stickler for etiquette, and the 
 table is cleared charmingly, though with 
 dispatch, before they are placed before him. 
 LADY MARY 1s an artist with the crumb- 
 brush, and there are few arts more delight- 
 ful to watch. Dusk has come sharply, and 
 she turns on the electric light. It awakens 
 CRICHTON from a reverie in which he has 
 been regarding her.) 
 CRICHTON. Polly, there is only one thing 
 about you that I don’t quite like. 
 (She looks up, making a moue, tf that can 
 be said of one who so well knows her place. 
 He explains.) 
 That action of the hands. 
 
m.] ©THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ 119 
 
 LADY MARY. What do I do? 
 
 CRICHTON. So—like one washing them. I 
 have noticed that the others tend to do it also. 
 It seems odd. 
 
 LADY MARY (archly). Oh Gov., have you 
 forgotten ? 
 
 cRicHTON. What? 
 
 LADY MARY. ‘That once upon a time a certain 
 other person did that. 
 
 CRICHTON (groping). Youmeanmyself? (She 
 nods, and he shudders.) Horrible! 
 
 LADY MARY (afraid she has hurt him). You 
 haven’t for a very long time. Perhaps it is 
 natural to servants. 
 
 CRICHTON. That must be it. (He rises.) 
 Polly! (She looks up expectantly, but he only 
 sighs and turns away.) 
 
 LADY MARY (genily). You sighed, Gov. 
 
 cRicHTON. Did I? I was thinking. (He paces 
 the room and then turns to her agitatedly, yet 
 with control over his agitation. There is some 
 mournfulness in his voice.) I have always tried 
 to do the right thing on this island. Above all, 
 Polly, I want to do the right thing by you. 
 
1200 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 LADY MARY (with shining eyes). How we all 
 trust you. That is your reward, Gov. 
 
 CRICHTON (who ws having a fight with himself). 
 And now I want a greater reward. Is it fair 
 to you? Am I playing the game? Bill 
 Crichton would like always to play the game. 
 If we were in England—— 
 
 (He pauses so long that she breaks in 
 softly.) 
 
 LADY MARY. We know now that we shall 
 never see England again. 
 
 CRICHTON. I am thinking of two people 
 whom neither of us has seen for a long time— 
 Lady Mary Lasenby, and one Crichton, a 
 butler. 
 
 (He says the last word bravely, a word he 
 once loved, though it ts the most horrible 
 of all words to him now.) 
 
 LADY MARY. That cold, haughty, insolent 
 girl. Gov., look around you and forget them 
 both. 
 
 CRICHTON. I had nigh forgotten them. He 
 has had a chance, Polly—that butler—in these 
 two years of becoming a man, and he has tried 
 
111.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 121 
 
 to take it. There have been many failures, 
 but there has been some success, and with it I 
 have let the past drop off me, and turned my 
 back on it. That butler seems a far-away 
 figure to me now, and not myself. I hail him, 
 but we scarce know each other. If I am to 
 bring him back it can only be done by force, 
 for in my soul he is now abhorrent to me. But 
 if I thought it best for you I ’d haul him back; 
 I swear as an honest man, I would bring him 
 back with all his obsequious waysand deferential 
 airs, and let you see the man you call your 
 Gov. melt for ever into him who was your 
 servant. 
 
 LADY MARY (shwering). You hurt me. You 
 say these things, but you say them like a king. 
 To me it is the past that was not real. 
 
 CRICHTON (too grandly). A king! I some- 
 
 times feel 
 (For a moment the yellow light gleams in his 
 green eyes. We remember suddenly what 
 TREHERNE and ERNEST said about his 
 regal look. He checks himself.) 
 
 I say it harshly, it is so hard to say, and all 
 
122 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 the time there is another voice within me cry- 
 ing (He stops.) 
 LADY MARY (érembling but not afraid). If it 
 
 is the voice of Nature 
 
 CRICHTON (strongly). I know it to be the 
 voice of Nature. 
 
 LADY MARY (in a whisper). Then, if you 
 want to say it very much, Gov., please say it to 
 Polly Lasenby. 
 
 CRICHTON (again in the grip of an idea). A 
 king! Polly, some people hold that the soul 
 but leaves one human tenement for another, and 
 so lives on through all the ages. I have oc- 
 casionally thought of late that, in some past 
 existence, [ may have been a king. It has all 
 come to me so naturally, not as if I had had to 
 work it out, but—as—if—I—remembered. 
 
 “Or ever the knightly years were gone, 
 With the old world to the grave, 
 
 I was a king in Babylon, 
 And you were a Christian slave.’ 
 
 It may havebeen; you hear me, it may have been. 
 LADY MARY (who ts as one fascinated). It may 
 have been. 
 
ur} THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 123 
 
 CRICHTON. I am lord over all. They are 
 but hewers of wood and drawers of water for 
 me. These shores are mine. Why should I 
 hesitate; I have no longer any doubt. I do 
 believe I am doing the right thing. Dear Polly, 
 I have grown to love you; are you afraid to 
 mate with me? (She rocks her arms; no words 
 will come from her.) 
 
 ‘I was a king in Babylon, 
 And you were a Christian slave.’ 
 
 LADY MARY (bewitched). You are the most 
 wonderful man I have ever known, and I am 
 not afraid. 
 
 (He takes her to him reverently. Pre- 
 sently he rs seated, and she is at his feet 
 looking up adoringly in his face. As 
 the tension relaxes she speaks with a 
 smile.) 
 I want you to tell me—every woman likes to 
 know—when was the first time you thought 
 me nicer than the others? 
 
 CRICHTON (who, like all big men, rs simple). 1 
 think a year ago. We were chasing goats on the 
 Big Slopes, and you out-distanced us all; you 
 
124 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 were the first of our party to run a goat down; I 
 was proud of you that day. 
 
 LADY MARY (blushing with pleasure). Oh 
 Gov., I only did it to please you. Everything 
 I have done has been out of the desire to please 
 you. (Suddenly anxious.) If I thought that 
 in taking a wife from among us you were 1m- 
 
 perilling your dignity 
 
 CRICHTON (perhaps a little masterful). Have 
 no fear of that, dear. I have thought it all out. 
 The wife, Polly, always takes the same position 
 as the husband. 
 
 LADY MARY. ButIamsounworthy. It was 
 sufficient to me that I should be allowed to wait 
 on you at that table. 
 
 CRICHTON. You shall wait on me no longer. 
 At whatever table I sit, Polly, you shall soon sit 
 there also. (Boyrshiy.) Come, let us try what 
 it will be like. 
 
 LADY MARY. As your servant at your feet. 
 
 CRICHTON. No, as my consort by my side. 
 
 (They are sitting thus when the hatch 
 as again opened and coffee offered. But 
 LADY MARY is no longer there to receive 
 
mu.) THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON — 125 
 
 uw. Her sisters peep through in consterna- 
 tion. In vain they ratile the cup and saucer. 
 AGATHA brings the coffee to CRICHTON.) 
 CRICHTON (forgetting for the moment that a rs 
 not a month hence). Help your mistress first, 
 girl. (Three women are bereft of speech, but 
 he does not notice tt. He addresses CATHERINE 
 vaguely.) Are you a good girl, Kitty? 
 
 CATHERINE (when she finds her tongue). I 
 
 try to be, Gov. 
 
 CRICHTON (still more vaguely). That’s right. 
 (He takes command of himself again, 
 and signs to them to sit down. ERNEST 
 comes in cheerily, but finding CRICHTON 
 here ts suddenly weak. He subsides on 
 a chair, wondering what has happened.) 
 
 CRICHTON (surveying him). Ernest. (ERNEST 
 
 rises.) You are becoming a little slovenly in 
 your dress, Ernest; I don’t like it. 
 
 ERNEST (respectfully). Thankyou. (ERNEST 
 
 sits again. DADDY and TREHERNE arrive.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Daddy, I want you. 
 
 LORD LOAM (with a sinking). Is it because I 
 
 forgot to clean out the dam? 
 
126 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 CRICHTON (encouragingly). No, no. (He 
 pours some wine into a goblet.) A glass of wine 
 with you, Daddy. 
 
 LORD LOAM (hastily). Your health, Gov. 
 (He ts about to drink, but the master checks 
 him.) 
 
 cRIcHTON. And hers. Daddy, this lady has 
 done me the honour to promise to be my wife. 
 
 LORD LOAM (astounded). Polly! 
 
 CRICHTON (a little perturbed). I ought first 
 to have asked your consent. I deeply regret— 
 but Nature; may I hope I have your approval? 
 
 LORD LOAM. May you, Gov.? (Delghied.) 
 Rather! Polly! 
 
 (He puts his proud arms round her.) 
 
 TREHERNE. We all congratulate you, Gov., 
 most heartily. 
 
 ERNEST. Long life to you both, sir. 
 
 (There is much shaking of hands, all of 
 which vs sincere.) 
 
 TREHERNE. When will it be, Gov.? 
 
 CRICHTON (after turning to LADY MARY, who 
 whispers to him). As soon as the bridal skirt 
 can be prepared. (His manner has been most 
 
m.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 127 
 
 indulgent, and without the slightest suggestion of 
 patronage. But he knows tz is best for all that 
 he should keep his place, and that his presence 
 hampers them.) My friends, I thank you for 
 your good wishes, I thank you all. And now, 
 perhaps you would like me to leave you to 
 yourselves. Bejoyous. Let there be song and 
 dance to-night. Polly, I shall take my coffee 
 in the parlour—you understand. 
 
 (He retires with pleasant dignity. Im- 
 
 mediately there is a rush of two girls at 
 
 LADY MARY.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Oh, oh! Father, they are 
 pinching me. 
 
 LORD LOAM (taking her under his protection). 
 Agatha, Catherine, never presume to pinch your 
 sister again. On the other hand, she may pinch 
 you henceforth as much as ever she chooses. 
 
 (In the meantime TWEENY 1s weeping 
 softly, and the two are not above using 
 her as a weapon.) 
 
 CATHERINE. Poor Tweeny, it’s a shame. 
 
 AGATHA. After he had almost promised 
 you. 
 
128 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _[acr 
 
 TWEENY (loyally turning on them). No, he 
 never did. He was always honourable as 
 could be. *Twas me as was too vulgar. Don’t 
 you dare say a word agin that man. 
 
 ERNEST (to LORD LOAM). Youll get a lot 
 of tit-bits out of this, Daddy. 
 
 LORD LOAM. That’s what I was thinking. 
 
 ERNEST (plunged in thought). I dare say I 
 shall have to clean out the dam now. 
 
 LORD LOAM (heartlessly). I dare say. 
 
 (His gay old heart makes him again pro- 
 claim that he is a chickety chick. He 
 seizes the concertina.) 
 
 TREHERNE (eagerly). That’s the proper 
 spirit. | 
 
 (He puts his arm round CATHERINE, ond 
 in another moment they are all dancing 
 to Daddy’s music. Never were people 
 happier on an island. A moment's pause 
 is presently created by the return of 
 CRICHTON, wearing the wonderful robe of 
 which we have already had dark mention. 
 Never has he looked more regal, never 
 perhaps felt so regal. We need not grudge 
 
m1.) HE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 129 
 
 him the one forble of his rule, for it is all 
 coming to an end.) 
 
 CRICHTON (graciously, seeing them hesitate). 
 No, no; I am delighted to see you all so happy. 
 Go on. 
 
 TREHERNE. We don’t like to before you, 
 Gov. 
 
 CRICHTON (his last order). It is my wish. 
 (The merrymaking is resumed, and soon 
 CRICHTON himself joins in the dance. It 
 is when the fun is at tis fastest and most 
 furious that all stop abrupily as of turned 
 to stone. They have heard the boom of a 
 gun. Presently they are alive again. 
 ERNEST leaps to the window.) 
 
 TREHERNE (huskily). It was a ship’s gun. 
 (They turn to cRIcHTON for confirmation; even 
 in that hour they turn to CRICHTON.) Gov.? 
 
 CRICHTON. Yes. 
 
 (In another moment LADY MARY and 
 LORD LOAM are alone.) 
 
 LADY MARY (seeing that her father is uncon- 
 
 cerned). Father, you heard. 
 
 LORD LOAM (placidly). Yes, my child. 
 
130 ‘THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 LADY MARY (alarmed by his unnatural calm- 
 ness). But it was a gun, father. 
 
 LORD LOAM (looking an old man now, and 
 shuddering a litile). Yes—a gun—I have often 
 heard it. It’s only a dream, you know; why 
 don’t we go on dancing? 
 
 (She takes his hands, which have gone 
 cold.) 
 
 LADY MARY. Father. Don’t you see, they 
 have all rushed down to the beach? Come. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Rushed down to the beach; 
 yes, always that—I often dream it. 
 
 LADY MARY. Come, father, come. 
 
 LORD LOAM. Only a dream, my poor girl. 
 (CRICHTON returns. He is pale but 
 firm.) 
 
 CRICHTON. We can see lights within a mile 
 
 of the shore—a great ship. 
 
 LORD LOAM. A ship—always a ship. 
 
 LADY MARY. Father, this is no dream. 
 
 LORD LOAM (looking timidly at CRICHTON). 
 It ’s a dream, isn’t it? There’s no ship? 
 
 CRICHTON (soothing him with a touch). You 
 are awake, Daddy, and there is a ship. 
 
ut] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 131 
 
 LORD LOAM (clutching him). You are not 
 deceiving me? 
 
 CRICHTON. It is the truth. 
 
 LORD LOAM (reeling). True?—a_ ship—at 
 last ! 
 
 (He goes after the others pitifully.) 
 
 CRICHTON (quietly). There is a small boat 
 between it and the island; they must have 
 sent it ashore for water. 
 
 LADY MARY. Coming in? 
 
 CRICHTON. No. That gun must have been 
 a signal to recall it. It is going back. They 
 can’t hear our cries. 
 
 LADY MARY (pressing her temples). Going 
 away. So near—so near. (Almost to herself.) 
 I think I’m glad. 
 
 CRICHTON (cheerily). Have no fear. I shall 
 bring them back. 
 
 (He goes towards the table on which is 
 the electrical apparatus.) 
 
 LADY MARY (standing on guard as it were 
 between him and the table). What are you 
 going to do? 
 
 CRICHTON. ‘To fire the beacons. 
 
182 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 LADY MARY. Stop! (She faces him.) Don’t 
 you see what it means? 
 CRICHTON (firmly). It means that our life 
 on the island has come to a natural end. 
 LADY MARY (huskily). Gov., let the ship 
 go. 
 CRICHTON. The old man—you saw what it 
 means to him. 
 LADY MARY. But I am afraid. 
 CRICHTON (adoringly). Dear Polly. 
 LADY MARY. Gov., let the ship go. 
 CRICHTON (she clings to him, but though tt is his 
 death sentence he loosens her hold). Bill Crichton 
 has got to play the game. 
 (He pulls the levers. Soon through the 
 window one of the beacons is seen flaring 
 red. There is along pause. Shouting rs 
 heard. ERNEST 1s the first to arrive.) 
 ERNEST. Polly, Gov., the boat has turned 
 back. They are English sailors; they have 
 landed! We are rescued, I tell you, rescued! 
 LADY MARY (wanly). Is it anything to make 
 so great a to-do about? 
 ERNEST (staring). Eh? 
 
m.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 138 
 
 LADY MARY. Have we not been happy here? 
 
 ERNEST. Happy? lord, yes. 
 
 LADY MARY (catching hold of his sleeve). 
 Ernest, we must never forget all that the Gov. 
 has done for us. | 
 
 ERNEST (stoutly). Forget it? The man who 
 could forget it would be a selfish wretch and 
 a But I say, this makes a difference! 
 
 LADY MARY (quickly). No, it doesn’t. 
 
 ERNEST (his mind tottering). A mighty 
 
 difference ! 
 (The others come running in, some weeping 
 with joy, others boisterous. We see blue- 
 jackets gazing through the window at the 
 curious scene. LORD LOAM comes ac- 
 companied by a naval officer, whom he is 
 continually shaking by the hand.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. And here, sir, is our little home. 
 Let me thank you in the name of usall, againand 
 again and again. 
 
 OFFICER. Very proud, my lord. It is indeed 
 an honour to have been able to assist so dis- 
 tinguished a gentleman as Lord Loam. 
 
 LORD LOAM. A glorious, glorious day. I 
 
134 
 
 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act ut. 
 
 shall show you our other room. Come, my 
 
 pets. 
 
 Come, Crichton. 
 
 (He has not meant to be cruel. He does 
 not know he has said it. It rs the old 
 life that has come back to him. They 
 all go. All leave CRICHTON except LADY 
 MARY.) 
 
 LADY MARY (stretching out her arms to him). 
 
 Dear Gov., I will never give you up. 
 
 (There ts a salt smile on his face as he 
 shakes his head to her. He lets the cloak 
 slip to the ground. She will not take 
 this for an answer; again her arms go out 
 to him. Then comes the great renuncia- 
 tion. By an effort of will he ceases to be 
 an erect figure; he has the humble bearing 
 of a servant. His hands come together 
 as uf he were washing them.) 
 
 CRICHTON (2 2s the speech of his life). My lady. 
 
 (She goes away. There ts none to salute 
 him now, unless we do tt.) 
 
 End of Act III. 
 
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ACT IV 
 
 THE OTHER ISLAND 
 
 Some months have elapsed, and we have again the 
 honour of waiting upon Lord Loam in his London 
 home. It is the room of the first act, but with a new 
 scheme of decoration, for on the walls are exhibited 
 many interesting trophies from the island, such as 
 skins, stuffed birds, and weapons of the chase, labelled 
 ‘Shot by Lord Loam,’ ‘Hon. Ernest Woolley’s Blow- 
 pipe, etc. There are also two large glass cases con- 
 taining other odds and ends, including, curiously 
 enough, the bucket in which Ernest was first dipped, 
 but there 1s no label calling attention to the incident. 
 It is not yet time to dress for dinner, and his lordship 
 is on a couch, hastily yet furtively cutting the pages 
 of anew book. Wath him are his two younger daughters 
 and his nephew, and they also are engaged in literary 
 pursuits; that ts to say, the ladies are eagerly but 
 furtively reading the evening papers, of which Ernest 
 is sitting complacently but furtively on an endless 
 number, and doling them out as called for. Note the 
 frequent use of the word ‘furtive.’ It wumplies that 
 137 
 
138 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [acr 
 
 they do not wish to be discovered by their butler, say, 
 at their otherwise delightful task. 
 
 AGATHA (reading aloud, with emphasis on the 
 wrong words). ‘In conclusion, we most heartily 
 congratulate the Hon. Ernest Woolley. This 
 book of his, regarding the adventures of him- 
 self and his brave companions on a desert isle, 
 stirs the heart like a trumpet.’ 
 
 (Evidently the book referred to ts the one 
 7m LORD LOAM’S hands.) 
 
 ERNEST (handing her a pink paper). Here is 
 another. 
 
 CATHERINE (reading). ‘From the first to the 
 last of Mr. Woolley’s engrossing pages it is 
 evident that he was an ideal man to be wrecked 
 with, and a true hero.’ (Large-eyed.) Ernest! 
 
 ERNEST (calmly). That ’s how it strikes them, 
 you know. Here’s another one. 
 
 AGATHA (reading). ‘There are many kindly 
 references to the two servants who were wrecked 
 with the family, and Mr. Woolley pays the 
 butler a glowing tribute in a footnote.’ 
 
 (Some one coughs uncomfortably.) 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 139 
 
 LORD LOAM (who has been searching the index 
 for the letter L). Excellent, excellent. At the 
 same time I must say, Ernest, that the whole 
 book is about yourself. 
 
 ERNEST (genially). As the author 
 
 LORD LOAM. Certainly, certainly. Still, you 
 know, as a peer of the realm—(with dignity) —I 
 
 think, Ernest, you might have given me one of 
 your adventures. 
 
 ERNEST. I say it was you who taught us how 
 to obtain a fire by rubbing two pieces of stick 
 together. 
 
 LORD LOAM (beaming). Do you, do you? I 
 call that very handsome. What page? 
 
 (Here the door opens, and the well-bred 
 CRICHTON eniers with the evening papers 
 as subscribed for by the house. Those we 
 have already seen have perhaps been intro- 
 duced by ERNEST up his waistcoat. Every 
 one except the wmtruder is immediately 
 self-conscious, and when he with- 
 draws there 1s a general sigh of relief. 
 They pounce on the new papers. 
 ERNEST evidently gets a shock from one, 
 
140 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ fact 
 
 which he casts contemptuously on the 
 floor.) 
 
 AGATHA (more fortunate). Father, see page 
 81. ‘It was a tiger-cat,’ says Mr. Woolley, ‘of 
 the largest size. Death stared Lord Loam in 
 the face, but he never flinched.’ 
 
 LORD LOAM (searching his book eagerly). 
 Page 81. 
 
 AGATHA. ‘With presence of mind only 
 equalled by his courage, he fixed an arrow 
 in his bow.’ - 
 
 LORD LOAM. Thank you, Ernest; thank you, 
 my boy. 
 
 AGATHA. ‘Unfortunately he missed.’ 
 
 LORD LOAM. Eh? 
 
 AGATHA. ‘But by great good luck I heard his 
 cries’ 
 
 LORD LOAM. My cries? 
 
 AGATHA. —‘and rushing forward with 
 
 drawn knife, I stabbed the monster to the 
 heart.’ 
 (LORD LOAM Shuts his book with a pettish 
 slam. There might be a scene here were 
 at not that CRICHTON reappears and goes 
 
Iv.| THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 141 
 
 to one of the glass cases. All are at once 
 on the alert, and his lordship ts particularly 
 sly.) 
 
 LORD LOAM. Anything in the _ papers, 
 Catherine? 
 
 CATHERINE. No, father, nothing—nothing 
 at all. 
 
 ERNEST (2 pops out as of yore). The papers! 
 The papers are guides that tell us what we ought 
 to do, and then we don’t do it. 
 
 : (CRICHTON having opened the glass case 
 has taken out the bucket, and ERNEST, 
 looking round for applause, sees him 
 carrying uw off and ts undone. For a 
 moment of time he forgets that he rs no 
 longer on the island, and with a sigh he 
 is about to follow cricHTON and the bucket 
 to a retired spot. The door closes, and 
 ERNEST comes to himself.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (uncomfortably). I told him to 
 take it away. 
 
 ERNEST. I thought—(he wipes his brow)—I 
 shall go and dress. 
 
 (He goes.) 
 
142 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 CATHERINE. Father, it’s awful having 
 Crichton here. It’s like living on tiptoe. 
 
 LORD LOAM (gloomily). While he is here we 
 are sitting on a volcano. 
 
 AGATHA. How mean of you! I am sure 
 he has only stayed on with us to—to help us 
 through. It would have looked so suspicious 
 if he had gone at once. 
 
 CATHERINE (revelling in the worst). But 
 suppose Lady Brocklehurst were to get at 
 him and pump him. She’s the most terrify- 
 ing, suspicious old creature in England; and 
 Crichton simply can’t tell a lie. 
 
 LORD LOAM. My dear, that is the volcano 
 to which I was referring. (He has evidently 
 something to communicate.) It’s all Mary’s 
 fault. She said to me yesterday that she 
 would break her engagement with Brockle- 
 hurst unless I told him about—you know 
 what. 
 
 (All conjure up the vision of CRICHTON.) 
 
 AGATHA. Is she mad? | 
 
 LORD LOAM. She calls it common honesty. 
 
 CATHERINE. Father, have you tald him? 
 
wv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 143 
 
 LORD LOAM (heavily). She thinks I have, but 
 TI couldn’t. She’s sure to find out to-night. 
 (UOnconsciously he leans on the island 
 concertina, which he has perhaps been 
 lately showing to an interviewer as some- 
 thing he made for TwHENy. Ii squeaks, 
 and they all jump.) 
 CATHERINE. It’s like a bird of ill-omen. 
 LORD LOAM (vindictively). I must have it 
 taken away; it has done that twice. 
 (LADY MARY comes in. She is in evening 
 dress. Undoubtedly she meant to sail in, 
 but she forgets, and despite her garments 
 uw is a manly entrance. She is properly 
 ashamed of herself. She tries again, and 
 has an encouraging success. She indi- 
 cates to her sisters that she wishes to be 
 alone with papa.) 
 AGATHA. All right, but we know what it’s 
 about. Come along, Kit. 
 (They go. wavy MARY thoughilessly sits 
 like a boy, and again corrects herself. 
 She addresses her father, but he 1s in a 
 brown study, and she seeks to draw his 
 
144 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 attention by whistling. This troubles them 
 both.) 
 
 LADY MARY. How horrid of me! 
 
 LORD LOAM (depressed). If you would try to 
 
 remember 
 
 LADY MARY (stghing). I do; but there are 
 so many things to remember. 
 
 LORD LOAM (sympathetically). There are—(in 
 a whisper). Do you know, Mary, I constantly 
 find myself secreting hairpins. 
 
 LADY MARY. I find it so difficult to go up 
 steps one at a time. 
 
 LORD LOAM. I was dining with half a dozen 
 members of our party last Thursday, Mary, 
 and they were so eloquent that I couldn’t help 
 wondering all the time how many of their 
 heads he would have put in the bucket. 
 
 LADY MARY. I use so many of his phrases. 
 And my appetite is so scandalous. Father, I 
 usually have a chop before we sit down to 
 dinner. 
 
 LORD LOAM. As for my clothes—(wriggling). 
 My dear, you can’t think how irksome collars 
 are to me nowadays. 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 145, 
 
 LADY MARY. They can’t be half such an 
 
 annoyance, father, as 
 (She looks dolefully at her skirt.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (hurriedly). Quite so—quite so. 
 You have dressed early to-night, Mary. 
 
 LADY MARY. That reminds me; I had a 
 note from Brocklehurst saying that he would 
 come a few minutes before his mother as—as 
 he wanted to have a talk with me. He didn’t 
 say what about, but of course we know. 
 
 (His lordship fidgets.) 
 
 (With feeling.) It was good of you to tell 
 him, father. Oh, it is horrible to me—(covering 
 her face). It seemed so natural at the time. 
 
 LORD LOAM (petulanily). Never again make 
 use of that word in this house, Mary. 
 
 LADY MARY (with an effort). Father, Brockle- 
 hurst has been so loyal to me for these two 
 years that I should despise myself were I to keep 
 my—my extraordinary lapse from him. Had 
 Brocklehurst been a little less good, then you 
 need not have told him my strange little secret. 
 
 LORD LOAM (weakly). Polly—I mean Mary 
 —it was all Crichton’s fault, he—— 
 
146 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - fact 
 
 LADY MARY (with decision). No, father, no; 
 not a word against him though. I haven’t the 
 pluck to go on with it; I can’t even understand 
 how it ever was. Father, do you not still hear 
 the surf? Do you see the curve of the beach? 
 
 LORD LOAM. I have begun to forget—(in a 
 low voice). But they were happy days; there 
 was something magical about them. 
 
 LADY MARY. It was glamour. Father, I 
 have lived Arabian nights. I have sat out a 
 dance with the evening star. But it was all 
 in a past existence, in the days of Babylon, 
 and I am myself again. But he has been 
 chivalrous always. If the slothful, indolent 
 creature I used to be has improved in any way, 
 I owe it all to him. I am slipping back in 
 many ways, but I am determined not to slip 
 back altogether—in memory of him and his 
 island. That is why I insisted on your telling 
 Brocklehurst. He can break our engagement 
 if he chooses. (Proudly.) Mary Lasenby is going 
 to play the game. 
 
 LORD LOAM. But my dear 
 
 (LORD BROCKLEHURST 7s announced.) 
 
 NS ra 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 147 
 
 LADY MARY (meaningly). Father, dear, 
 oughtn’t you to be dressing? 
 
 LORD LOAM (very unhappy). The fact is— 
 before I go—I want to say 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Loam, if you don’t 
 
 mind, I wish very specially to have a word 
 with Mary before dinner. 
 LORD LOAM. But 
 LADY MARY. Yes, father. 
 (She induces him to go, and thus courage- 
 ously faces LORD BROCKLEHURST to hear 
 her fate.) 
 I am ready, George. 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (who is so agitated that 
 she ought to see he is thinking not of her but of 
 himself). It is a painful matter—I wish I 
 
 could have spared you this, Mary. 
 
 LADY MARY. Please go on. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. In common fairness, 
 of course, this should be remembered, that two 
 years had elapsed. You and I had no reason 
 to believe that we should ever meet again. 
 
 (This is more considerate than she had 
 expected.) 
 
148. THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 LADY MARY (softening). I was so lost to the 
 world, George. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (with a groan). At 
 the same time, the thing is utterly and abso- 
 lutely inexcusable 
 
 LADY MARY (recovering her hauieur). Oh! 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. And soI have already 
 said to mother. 
 
 LADY MARY (disdaining him). You have 
 told her? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Certainly, Mary, cer- 
 tainly; I tell mother everything. 
 
 LADY MARY (curling her lip). And what did 
 she say ? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. ‘To tell the truth, 
 mother rather pooh-poohed the whole affair. 
 
 LADY MARY (incredulous). Lady Brockle- 
 hurst pooh-poohed the whole affair ! 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. She said, ‘Mary and 
 I will have a good laugh over this.’ 
 
 LADY MARY (outraged). George, your mother 
 is a hateful, depraved old woman. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Mary! 
 
 LADY MARY (turning away). Laugh in- 
 
Iv. | THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 149 
 
 deed, when it will always be such a pain 
 to me. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (with strange humility). 
 If only you would let me bear all the pain, 
 Mary. 
 
 LADY MARY (who is taken aback). George, 
 I think you are the noblest man 
 
 (She zs touched, and gives him both her 
 hands. Unfortunately he simpers.) 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. She was a pretty 
 little thing. 
 
 (She stares, but he marches to his doom.) 
 Ah, not beautiful like you. I assure you it 
 
 was the merest flirtation; there were a few 
 letters, but we have got them back. It was 
 all owing to the boat being so late at Calais. 
 You see she had such large, helpless eyes. 
 
 LADY MARY (fizing him). George, when you 
 lunched with father to-day at the club 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. I didn’t. He wired 
 me that he couldn’t come. 
 
 LADY MARY (with a tremor). But he wrote 
 
 you? 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. No. 
 
150 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 LADY MARY (a bird singing in her breast). You 
 haven’t seen him since? 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. No. 
 (She ws saved. Is he to be let off also? 
 Not at all. She bears down on him like 
 a ship of war.) 
 LADY MARY. George, who and what is this 
 woman? 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (cowering). She was— 
 she is—the shame of it—a lady’s-maid. 
 LADY MARY (properly horrified). A what? 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. A lady’s-maid. A 
 mere servant, Mary. (LADY MARY whirls round 
 so that he shall not see her face.) I first met her 
 at this house when you were entertaining the 
 servants; so you see it was largely your father’s 
 fault. 
 LADY MARY (looking him up and down). A 
 lady’s-maid ? 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (degraded). Her name 
 was Fisher. 
 LADY MARY. My maid! 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (with open hands). Can 
 you forgive me, Mary? 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 151 
 
 LADY MARY. Oh George, George! 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Mother urged me not 
 to tell you anything about it; but—— 
 
 LADY MARY (from her heart). Iamso glad you 
 told me. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. You see there was 
 nothing wrong in it. 
 
 LADY MARY (thinking perhaps of another 
 incident). No, indeed. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (inclined tosimper again). 
 And she behaved awfully well. She quite saw 
 that it was because the boat was late. I suppose 
 the glamour to a girl in service of a man in high 
 
 position 
 LADY MARY. Glamour !—yes, yes, that was it. 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Mother says that a 
 
 girl in such circumstances is to be excused if 
 she loses her head. 
 
 LADY MARY (impulsively). George, I am so 
 sorry if I said anything against your mother. I 
 am sure she is the dearest old thing. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (in calm waters at last). 
 Of course for women of our class she has a very 
 different standard. 
 
152 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 LADY MARY (grown tiny). Of course. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. You see, knowing how 
 good a woman she is herself, she was naturally 
 anxious that I should marry some one like her. 
 That is what has made her watch your conduct 
 so jealously, Mary. 
 
 LADY MARY (hurriedly thinking things out). I 
 know. I—I think, George, that before your 
 mother comes I should like to say a word to 
 father. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (nervously). About 
 this? 
 
 LADY MARY. Oh no; I shan’t tell him of 
 this. About something else. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. And you do forgive 
 me, Mary? 
 
 LADY MARY (smiling on him). Yes, yes. I— 
 I am sure the boat was very late, George. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (earnestly). It really 
 was. 
 
 LADY MARY. I am even relieved to know that 
 you are not quite perfect, dear. (She rests her 
 hands on his shoulders. She has a moment of 
 contrition.) George, when we are married, we 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 153 
 
 shall try to be not an entirely frivolous couple, 
 won't we? We must endeavour to be of some 
 little use, dear. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (the ass). Noblesse 
 oblige. 
 
 LADY MARY (haunted by the phrases of a betier 
 man). Mary Lasenby is determined to play the 
 game, George. 
 
 (Perhaps she adds to herself, ‘Except 
 just this once.’ A kiss closes this episode 
 of the two lovers; and soon after the de- 
 parture of LADY MARY the COUNTESS OF 
 BROCKLEHURST ts announced. She ws a 
 very formidable old lady.) 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Alone, George? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Mother, I told her all; 
 she has behaved magnificently. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (who has not shared his 
 fears). Silly boy. (She casts a supercilious eye 
 on the island trophies.) So these are the wonders 
 they brought back with them. Gone away to 
 dry her eyes, I suppose? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (proud of his mate). 
 She didn’t cry, mother. 
 
154 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. No? (She reflects.) 
 You ’re quite right. I wouldn’t have cried. 
 Cold, icy. Yes, that was it. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (who has not often con- 
 tradicted her). I assure you, mother, that wasn’t 
 it at all. She forgave me at once. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (opening her eyes sharply 
 to the full). Oh! 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. She was awfully nice 
 about the boat being late; she even said she 
 was relieved to find that I wasn’t quite perfect. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (pouncing).Shesaidthat ? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. She really did. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. I mean J wouldn't. 
 Now if J had said that, what would have made 
 me say it? (Susprciously.) George, is Mary 
 all we think her? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (with unexpected spirit). 
 If she wasn’t, mother, you would know it. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Hold your tongue, 
 boy. We don’t really know what happened 
 on that island. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. You were reading the 
 book all the morning. 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 155 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. How can I be sure 
 that the book is true? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. They all talk of it as 
 true. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. How do I know that 
 they are not lying? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Why should they lie? 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Why shouldn’t they? 
 (She reflects again.) If I had been wrecked on 
 an island, I think it highly probable that I 
 should have lied when I came back. Weren’t 
 some servants with them? 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Crichton, the butler. 
 
 (He is surprised to see her ring the bell.) 
 
 Why, mother, you are not going to 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Yes, I am. (Potnted- 
 ly.) George, watch whether Crichton begins any 
 of his answers to my questions with ‘The fact is.’ 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Why? | 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Because that is usu- 
 ally the beginning of a lie. 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (as CRICHTON opens 
 the door). Mother, you can’t do these things 
 in other people’s houses. 
 
156 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (coolly, to CRICHTON). 
 It was I who rang. (Surveying him through her 
 eyeglass.) So you were one of the castaways, 
 Crichton? 
 
 CRICHTON. Yes, my lady. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Delightful book Mr. 
 Woolley has written about your adventures. 
 (CRICHTON bows.) Don’t you think so? 
 
 CRICHTON. I have not read it, my lady. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Odd that they should 
 not have presented you with a copy. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Presumably Crichton 
 is no reader. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. By the way, Crichton, 
 were there any books on the island? 
 
 cricHTON. I had one, my lady—Henley’s 
 poems. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Never heard of him. 
 
 (CRICHTON again bows.) 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (who has not heard of 
 him either). I think you were not the only 
 servant wrecked ? 
 
 CRICHTON. ‘There was a young woman, my 
 lady. 
 
1v.| THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 157 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. I want to see her. 
 
 (CRICHTON bows, but remains.) Fetch her up. 
 (He goes.) 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (almost standing up to 
 his mother). This is scandalous. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (defining her position). 
 I am a mother. 
 
 (CATHERINE and AGATHA enter in dazzling 
 confections, and quake in secret to find 
 themselves practically alone with LAapyY 
 BROCKLEHURST. ) 
 
 (Even as she greets them.) How d’ you do, 
 Catherine—Agatha? You didn’t dress like 
 this on the island, I expect! By the way, 
 how did you dress? 
 
 (They have thought themselves prepared, 
 but ) 
 
 AGATHA. Not—not so well, of course, but 
 
 quite the same idea. 
 (They are relieved by the arrwal of 
 TREHERNE, who is in clerical dress.) 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. How do you do, Mr. 
 Treherne? There is not so much of you in 
 
 the book as I had hoped. 
 
158 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON | [act 
 
 TREHERNE (modestly). ‘There wasn’t very 
 much of me on the island, Lady Brocklehurst. 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. How d’ ye mean? 
 (He shrugs his honest shoulders.) 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. I hear you have got 
 a living, Treherne. Congratulations. 
 TREHERNE. Thanks. 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Is it a good one? 
 TREHERNE. So-so. They are rather weak in 
 bowling, but it ’s a good bit of turf. 
 (Confidence ws restored by the entrance of 
 ERNEST, who takes in _ the _ sttuation 
 promptly, and, of course, knows he ws a 
 match for any old lady.) 
 ERNEST (with ease). How do you do, Lady 
 Brocklehurst. 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Our brilliant author! 
 ERNEST (impervious to satire). Oh, I don’t know. 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. It is as engrossing, 
 Mr. Woolley, as if it were a work of fiction. 
 ERNEST (suddenly uncomfortable). ‘Thanks, 
 awlully. (Recovering.) The fact is 
 (He ts puzzled by seeing the Brocklehurst 
 family exchange meaning looks.) 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 159 
 
 CATHERINE (to the rescue). Lady Brockle- 
 hurst, Mr. Treherne and I—we are engaged. 
 
 AGATHA. And Ernest and I. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (grimly). I see, my 
 dears; thought it wise to keep the island in 
 the family. 
 
 (An awkward moment this for the entrance 
 of LORD LOAM and LADY MARY, who, after 
 a priate talk upstairs, are feeling happy 
 and secure.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (with two hands for his distinguished 
 guest). Aha! ha, ha! younger than any of 
 them, Emily. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Flatterer. (Zo LADY 
 MARY.) You seem in high spirits, Mary. 
 
 LADY MARY (gaily). Iam. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (with a significant glance 
 
 at LORD BROCKLEHURST). After 
 
 LADY MARY. I—I mean. ‘The fact is 
 
 (Again that disconcerting glance between 
 the Countess and her son.) 
 
 LORD LOAM (humorously). She hears wedding 
 bells, Emily, ha, ha! 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (coldly). Do you, 
 
160 ‘THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 
 
 Mary? Can’t say I do; but I’m hard of 
 hearing. 
 
 LADY MARY (instantly her match). If you 
 don’t, Lady Brocklehurst, I’m sure I don’t. 
 
 LORD LOAM (nervously). ‘Tut, tut. Seen our 
 curios from the island, Emily; I should like 
 you to examine them. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Thank you, Henry. I 
 am glad you say that, for I have just taken the 
 liberty of asking two of them to step upstairs. 
 
 (There ts an uncomfortable silence, which 
 the entrance of CRICHTON with TWEENY 
 does not seem to dissipate. CRICHTON 7s 1m- 
 penetrable, but TWEENY hangs back in fear.) 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (stouily). Loam, I have 
 no hand in this. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (undisturbed). Pooh, 
 what have I done? You always begged me to 
 speak to the servants, Henry, and I merely 
 wanted to discover whether the views you used 
 to hold about equality were adopted on the 
 island; it seemed a splendid opportunity, but 
 Mr. Woolley has not a word on the subject. 
 
 (All eyes turn to ERNEST.) 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 161 
 
 ERNEST (with confidence). The fact is 
 (The fatal words again.) 
 LORD LOAM (not quite certain what he vs to 
 
 assure her of). I assure you, Emily 
 
 LADY MARY (as cold as steel). Father, nothing 
 whatever happened on the island of which I, 
 for one, am ashamed, and I hope Crichton 
 will be allowed to answer Lady Brocklehurst’s 
 questions. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Tobe sure. There’s 
 nothing to make a fuss about, and we’re a 
 family party. (Yo cricnuton.) Now, truth- 
 fully, my man. 
 
 CRICHTON (calmly). I promise that, my lady. 
 (Some hearts sink, the hearts that could 
 never understand a Crichton.) 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (sharply). Well, were 
 
 you all equal on the island? 
 
 CRICHTON. No, my lady. I think I may 
 say there was as little equality there as else- 
 where. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. All the social dis- 
 tinctions were preserved ? 
 
 CRICHTON. As at home, my lady. 
 
162 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [act 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. ‘The servants? 
 CRICHTON. ‘They had to keep their place. 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Wonderful. How was 
 itmanaged? (Withaninspiration.) You, girl, 
 tell me that ? 
 (Can there be a more critical moment?) 
 TWEENY (in agony). If you please, my lady, 
 it was all the Gov.’s doing. 
 (They give themselves up for lost. LORD 
 LOAM trves to sink out of sight.) 
 CRICHTON. In the regrettable slang of the 
 servants’ hall, my lady, the master is usually 
 referred to as the Gov. 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. I see. (She turns to 
 LORD LOAM.) You 
 LORD LOAM (reappearing). Yes, I under- 
 
 stand that is what they call me. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (fo CRICHTON). You 
 didn’t even take your meals with the family ? 
 
 CRICHTON. No, my lady, I dined apart. 
 
 (Is all safe?) 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (alas). You, girl, also? 
 Did you dine with Crichton ? 
 
 TWEENY (scared). No, your ladyship. 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 163 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (fastening on her). With 
 whom? 
 
 TWEENY. I took my bit of supper with— 
 with Daddy and Polly and the rest. 
 
 (V@ victis.) 
 
 ERNEST (leaping into the breach). Dear old 
 Daddy—he was our monkey. You remember 
 our monkey, Agatha? 
 
 AGATHA. Rather! What a funny old darling 
 he was. 
 
 CATHERINE (thus encouraged). And don’t you 
 think Polly was the sweetest little parrot, 
 Mary ? 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Ah! I understand; 
 animals you had domesticated ? 
 
 LORD LOAM (heavily). Quite so—quite so. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. The servants’ teas 
 
 that used to take place here once a month 
 
 CRICHTON. They did not seem natural on the 
 island, my lady, and were discontinued by the 
 Gov.’s orders. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. A clear proof, Loam, 
 that they were a mistake here. 
 
 LORD LOAM (seeing the opportunity for a 
 
1644 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON - [acr 
 
 —_—_ 
 
 dwersion). I admit it frankly. I abandon 
 them. Emily, as the result of our experiences 
 on the island, I think of going over to the 
 Tories. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. I am delighted to 
 hear it. 
 
 LORD LOAM (expanding). Thank you, Crichton, 
 thank you; that is all. 
 
 (He motions to them to go, but the trme is 
 not yet.) 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Onemoment. (There 
 as a unwersal but stifled groan.) Young people, 
 Crichton, will be young people, even on an 
 island; now, I suppose there was a certain 
 amount of—shall we say _ sentimentalising, 
 going on? 
 
 CRICHTON. Yes, my lady, there was. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST (ashamed). Mother! 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (disregarding him). 
 Which gentleman? (Yo TwerENny) You, girl, 
 tell me. 
 
 TWEENY (confused). If you please, my 
 lady—— 
 
 ERNEST (hurriedly). The fact is 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 165 
 
 (He is checked as before, and probably 
 says “D—n’ to himself, but he has saved 
 the situation.) 
 TWEENY (gasping). It was him—Mr. Ermest, 
 your ladyship. 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (counsel for the prosecu- 
 tion). With which lady? 
 AGATHA. I have already told you, Lady 
 Brocklehurst, that Ernest and I 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Yes, now; but you 
 
 were two years on the island. (Looking at LaDy 
 MARY). Was it this lady? 
 
 TWEENY. No, your ladyship. 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST. Then I don’t care 
 which of the others it was. (TWEENY gurgles.) 
 Well, I suppose that will do. 
 
 LORD BROCKLEHURST. Do! I hope you are 
 ashamed of yourself, mother. (Yo cRICHTON, 
 who is going). You are an excellent fellow, 
 Crichton; and if, after we are married, 
 you ever wish to change your place, come 
 to us. 
 
 LADY MARY (losing her head for the only time). 
 Oh no, impossible. 
 
166 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON _ [act 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (at once suspicious). 
 Why impossible? (LADY MARY cannot answer, 
 or perhaps she is too proud.) Do you see why it 
 should be impossible, my man? 
 
 (He can make or mar his unworthy MARY 
 now. Have you any doubt of him ?) 
 
 CRICHTON. Yes, my lady. I had not told 
 you, my lord, but as soon as your lordship is 
 suited I wish to leave service. 
 
 (They are all wmmensely relreved, except 
 poor TWEENY.) 
 
 TREHERNE (the only curious one). What will 
 you do, Crichton? 
 
 (CRICHTON shrugs his shoulders; ‘God 
 knows,’ 4 may mean.) 
 
 CRICHTON. Shall I withdraw, my lord? 
 
 (He withdraws without a tremor, TWEENY 
 accompanying him. They can all breathe 
 again; the thunderstorm ts over.) 
 
 LADY BROCKLEHURST (thankful to have made 
 herself unpleasant). Worrid of me, wasn’t it? 
 But if one wasn’t disagreeable now and again, 
 it would be horribly tedious to be an old 
 woman. He will soon be yours, Mary, and 
 
Iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 167 
 
 then—think of the opportunities you will 
 have of being disagreeable to me. On that 
 understanding, my dear, don’t you think we 
 might ? 
 (Their cold lips meet.) 
 LORD LOAM (vaguely). Quite so—quite so. 
 (CRICHTON announces dinner, and they 
 file out. Lady MARY stays behind a 
 moment and wmpulswely holds out her 
 hand.) 
 LADY MARY. To wish you every dear happi- 
 ness. 
 CRICHTON (an enigma ito the last.) The same 
 to you, my lady. 
 LADY MARY. Do you despise me, Crichton ? 
 (The man who could never tell a he makes 
 
 no answer.) You are the best man among 
 us. 
 
 CRICHTON. On an island, my lady, perhaps; 
 but in England, no. 
 
 LADY MARY. ‘Then there ’s something wrong 
 with England. 
 
 CRICHTON. My lady, not even from you can 
 I listen to a word against England. 
 
168 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act tv. 
 
 LADY MARY. Tell me one thing: you have 
 not lost your courage? 
 CRICHTON. No, my lady. 
 (She goes. He turns out the lights.) 
 
 The End. 
 
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