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Rae SY at) moet Kg: as <7 ot = St 3S oan - ie tas mas : Pate ea Sasa Sint Eas Gee nat « +P ee LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN IN MEMORY OF STEWART S. HOWE JOURNALISM CLASS OF 1928 STEWART S. HOWE FOUNDATION 818 W6ow The person charging this material is re- sponsible for its return to the library from which it was withdrawn on or before the Latest Date stamped below. Theft, mutilation, and underlining of books are reasons for disciplinary action and may result in dismissal from the University. To renew call Telephone Center, 333-8400 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN JUN 3.0 1994 L161—O-1096 bol .RMY AND MISCELLANEOUS SKETCHES. 2 - “Watxks Azsout Cuicaco,” ArmMY AND MISCELLANEOUS SKETCHES. BY re fo Vin el RO Be (Boliuto.) Crit ierA. GeO: PRESS OF CHURCH, GOODMAN AND DONNELLEY. 1869. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the 5 BY FRANC B. WILKIE, In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court for the Not he Illinois. : “ CHURCH, GOODMAN AND DONNELLEY, ss PRINTERS AND STEREOTYPERS, Bo CHICAGO, J). mewie 7 4 SH) acl = te NX = j i ol ‘a —>—+} 7 ——$— = = 2S —$=> G SSS ff VERY WED'Y.®% SAT'Y. _GY THE GALLON. RAILS ST : - PUM TMU MAUL THT > i Hi 4 ft —— aii ‘i K | aoe. Ie ES ——— nar Sadie alii (Y TS Aww ‘| qa) ANY TL) a anny ‘tl re yal n) Seer || ig ‘* WALKS ABOUT CHICAGO.” WALKS ABOUT CHICAGO: CONTENTS. A TRIANGULAR WALK ;— Nord Seite — Southside — Westside, - WATER-WORKS AND WATER-FALLS, Court-HouseE Guost, A WALK IN THE FALL, - ORPHEUS IN HADES, THe MALE SorosIis, < How To QuiIT SMOKING, MILL ON THE PRAIRIE, - GOING TO THE MATINEE, THE OLD MAN’s SMOKE, Tue Drop CurRTAIN AT AIKEN’S THEATRE, THE CoLpD VICTUALS CONTEST, GLANCES AT SUMMER RESORTS: MACKINAW, - - SAULT STE. MARIE, - LAKE SUPERIOR, - NIAGARA, - - IN THE COUNTRY, - SARATOGA, - > GREEN MOUNTAINS, 87 96 106 =i TOG If3 6 Contents. ARMY AND OTHER SKETCHES: A BoHEMIAN AMONG THE REBELS, - - - 123 Pap FULLER’S GAME OF POKER, - - - 140 RECOLLECTIONS OF GEN. FRED. STEELE, - - 148 SOME PEOPLE I HAVE MET, - - - 158 Some REMEMBERED FACES, - - - - 164 A REMINISCENCE OF THE WAR, - - - 170 * A DESPERADO WHO WOULD NoT STAY KILLED, - 179 AMONG THE GUERRILLAS, - - z = 189 SOME RECOLLECTIONS OF ALLATOONA, - - 196 THE REVELATIONS OF A WINDOW, - - - 206 A REVELATION OF CLAIRVOYANCE, - - - 215 »A LEAP-YEAR ROMANCE, - - . : 224 Tue Horrors oF MAsonry, - - - =1 225 A DREAM AND How IT WAS FULFILLED, - - 238 GETTING A DRINK UNDER DIFFICULTIES, - - 252 A Morar CounTRY PLACE AND ITS PEOPLE, - 261 BICYCULAR AFFECTION, — - - - - 1273 ALL Asout A WoMAN, - - - - 279 A Ripe To DEATH, - - - - - 284 THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I HAVE Known, 301 WALKS ABOUT CHICAGO. A TRIANGULAR WALK. NORD SEITE. eae TIT geography, customs, productions, peo- {| ple, and so forth, of a new country, are always full of interest. Once, when I was traveling about, I reached a place known among its inhabitants as ‘Nord Seite.” I spent some time there. I found much to interest a traveler. Nord Seite is situated in about the same latitude as Chicago, and is about 10} degrees of longitude west of Washington. Its population is about 60,000. To reach it from Chicago, one can take rail to New York; thence go by steamer to Alaska, véa Cape Horn; from Alaska south to about the 42nd parallel ; thence east by stage and rail, 2,000 miles, to Nord Seite. Nord Seite has an immense body of water on one side, and a river whose main stream and one branch inclose two of the remaining sides. Nord Seite is, therefore, a sort of peninsula. The river referred to is deep and sluggish. It can not be forded. It can not be crossed in small boats on account of its exhalations. These are a combi- 1* 10 ' Walks About Chicago. nation of sulphureted hydrogen, the odor of de- caying rodents, and the stench of rotting brassica. In crossing this river, a sort of contrivance is resorted to, which is termed by the natives, Bruecke. This Braecke is not always reliable. Sometimes one can get over the river by its means, oftener he can't. The Bruecke is built of wood and iron, painted red, and at a distance looks not unlike a stumpy sort of rainbow. . The inhabitants of Nord Seite consist of men, women, children, dogs, billy-goats, pigs, cats, and fleas. In estimating the proportion of each of these classes, it is found that the fleas vastly outnumber all the others. They are not only numerous, but full- grown and vicious. In the warm season, a Nord-Seiter has a lively time in flea-hunting. In hunting this game, the Nord-Seiter shuts himself or herself in a tight room, and strips to the skin. Then the flea is pursued and captured. Most all the Nord-Seite dogs are good flea-hunters. They commence hunting fleas when young, without any instruction. Pretty much all their lives are spent in pursuit of this pastime. The human population of Nord Seite is indus- trious. In the flea and fly time especially. The business of the inhabitants of Nord Seite consists of a great variety of pursuits and occupa- tions. These pursuits and occupations divide them- selves naturally into two large classes. The first consists of every other male resident of Nord Seite. These are engaged in selling a liquid which tastes A Triangular Walk. IT something like a mixture of hops and rosin. It is the color of amber, and is surmounted with a white, yeasty, flaky coronal. The other class includes’ every man, woman and child in Nord Seite. This class is engaged in drinking what the other class is engaged in selling. From the large admixture of hops in this universal beverage, it results that the residents of Nord Seite are very fond of dancing. The ladies of Nord Seite are usually feminine in dress, and oftentimes so in fact and appearance. They mostly wear their hair braided in small plaits, which are again braided in larger plaits, which are braided into still larger ones; and these are once more braided into a large braid, which is twisted, and coiled, and wound, and intertwined in, and around, and through, and about, and over, and unde itself, till it resembles a riddle tied in a Gordian knot, and the whole enveloped in a rebus which nobody ever can guess. When a Nord-Seite lady once gets her hair done up in this complex and elaborate style, she neve1 takes it down. She couldn’t if she would. The only method of removing this style of co¢#ure is to shave the head. Intercommunication in Nord Seite is carried on in various ways. Many of the inhabitants go on foot. Others have a small two-wheeled vehicle, to which are harnessed a dog and a small boy, Or a little girl. They also have tracks upon which run vehicles, which they term Vagens. ‘The Vagen is drawn by two horses. 12 Walks About Chicago. The Vagez is used principally for the conveyance of passengers carrying goods. It will answer to what would would be an express-car in this country, in which each man should ride carrying whatever article he wished expressed to any point. I have been in a Vagex in which a woman, on one side of me, carried on her lap a clothes-basket ; in which were four heads of cabbage; six links of imported sausage; one bottle of goose-grease ; two loaves of a brown, farinaceous product known as Brodt; a calf’s liver; some strips of what is known as Schweinfletsch; a half peck of onions; a string of garlic; and a large piece of a fragrant compound known as Lzmburger Kase. On the other side of me was a woman with a baby in her arms; a small child on each knee; two other children, a trifle larger, on their knees, on each side of her, looking out the windows of the Vagen; and five other children, of various sizes, picturesquely grouped about her knees and on the floor. The same sort of thing was scen all through the Vager. Each woman either had from four to nine children, or a basket that filled half the vehicle. Sometimes a woman would have the basket and the children both. A very common patroness of the Vagen was a woman with two buckets of swill, carried by a yoke from the neck. The woman with the swill buckets was very common. She usually made her appear- ance at every third square. She didn’t generally look very attractive. If possible, she smelt a trifle worse than she looked. A Triangular Walk. 13 The Nord-Seiter is economical. No matter if he earn nothing per dem, he always has enough te buy a mug of the amber fluid, and have five cents over, Which he puts away in the bottom of an old stocking. There is no newspaper published in Nord Seite. But there is a brewery there. So is there a distillery. There is likewise a place where they seli a beverage known as Lager Bier. When two or three Nord-Seiters are conversing confidentially on a subject which they wish nobody else to hear, their whisper is about as loud as the tone in which a Chicago man would say ‘Oh, Bill!” to an acquaintance two blocks away. When two or three Nord-Seiters converse in an ordinary tone of voice, the result is a tremendous roar. A stranger would think them engaged in a hot, terrific altercation. A Nord-Seite Vagex is an epitome of one hun- dred and eight distinct odors, of which onions consti- tute the dominant. Some of the Nord-Seiters speak a little broken English. There are many other curious things about Nord Seite and its population. Any body who has time and money should visit the place. The people are hospitable. Any one can visit them; reside with them as long as necessary ; study their customs; and enjoy himself very thoroughly. \ 14 Walks About Chicago. SOUTHSIDE. Once I described a visit I made to a remote and singular place known to the inhabitants as Nord Seite. During the same traveling expedition, I reached another city which contains many points of interest. This other place is named, by those who reside in it, Southside. To get to Southside from Nord Seite, one takes a steamer to Detroit v7a Milwaukee, Mackinaw, and Sarnia. Thence east through Canada to Montreal, thence south vza St. Albans, Rutland, Saratoga, and Albany to New York. From here you go to Phila- delphia, and thence west by rail to Southside. By this route one will either reach Southside, or New Jerusalem, by being wrecked on the water o1 smashed on the land. By this route it is two to one in favor of your getting to New Jerusalem, rather than to Southside. Few men have ever essayed the trip and lived to tell the tale. When you once get to Southside you will feel amply repaid for the risking the perils of the jour. ney. It is a large and thriving city, and has a popu- lation of less than 100,Q00. Southside is laid out next to a large and flourishing body of water on one side, and a deep and aromatic river on the other. In the matter of location it is very exclusive. The river is impassable. Birds which attempt to fly over it are intoxicated by its exhilarating perfume, and they fall into it and die. Southside has but one street, which is known as i i | A Triangular Walk. 15 The Avenue. All the population of Southside live upon The Avenue. If you meet a Southsider in St. Petersburgh, and ask him where he lives, he will say he lives on The Avenue. Afterwards, if you ask him, he will tell you in what city, state, and country The Avenue is located. Southside has street cars which are exclusively for the benefit of strangers visiting the place. Some- times a lady who lives on The Avenue gets on one of these cars. Whenever she does, she opens a con- versation with some one, and tells him in a loud tone that both her carriages are at the shop to be mended. She also is obliged to ask the conductor how much the fare is. Southside once had a fine opera-house in which there used to sing grand artists. But now the opera- house has got to be a combination of hippodrome, gymnasium, and model-artist exhibitions. Where Casta Diva was once trilled sublimely, there is now roared in a hoarse voice, ‘* Captain Jinks of the Horse Marines.” Where Queen Elizabeth once strode there now straddles some undressed nymph—of the spec- tacular persuasion. The Avenue in Southside is occupied by some of the most aristocratic and wealthy families in exist- ence. There are many of them whose descent goes back to Noah and Adam. The hospitality of many of the aristocratic and wealthy families on The Avenue is remarkable. They carry their hospitality to such an extent that a family will often put notices in the newspapers offering all the comforts of a home to a couple of 16 Walks About Chicago. young gentlemen, or to a gentleman and his wife, without any children. About one-half the hospitable residents on The Avenue,.in this manner, afiord the comforts of a home to a few guests. In return for the comforts of a home thus generously afforded them, the guests pay a small per capita tax. This little tax never amounts to more than twice or three times the entire expenses of the hospitable family with whom the guests find the comforts of a home. Sometimes a resident of The Avenue will take a few guests for their companionship. The cost of being a companion on The Avenue ranges from all you have in the shape of income to all you can borrow. There are no boarding-houses on The Avenue. A man who can not afford to be a companion in a refined family, or whose assets do not permit his enjoyment of the comforts of a home, has to consult economy and go to a hotel, where he can exist for $50 per week. All the people who live on The Avenue keep their their own carriages. The gentlemen are good horse- men, and always do their own driving. When a Southsider drives himself out he usually wears a plug hat, with the fur, just above the brim, brushed the wrong way. The gentleman who thus drives him- self is generally a fine, healthy, fresh-looking man. The coachman rides behind. He has thin legs, a weak voice, and frequently wears eye-glasses. The young ladies who live on The Avenue are the most beautiful in the world. They always marry for A Triangular Walk. 17 love. Especially if the husband be worth a couple of hundred thousand dollars. Or says he is. When these charming young ladies are married they never get divorces—§in less than three or six months. If they do, the case is exceptional. The rule is one year, unless the young man’s money runs out sooner, or the young woman gets a better offer. There is one gambling-house in Southside. There is likewise a house occupied by young women who are highly painted, and about the purity of whose morals there is some doubt. There is likewise an association of young Christ- tians who pray for the poor, and needy, and the starving. Getting to heaven from Southside is an exclusive, first-class, expensive operation. A reserved seat on the Southside route costs from $1,500 to $5,000 per annum. They run only drawing-room vehicles and palace cars from the Southside depots. Grace, Trinity and Messiah are some of the principal depots from out which there run weekly lines of velvet and mahogany coaches, in which every thing is exclusive, first-class, tip-top, and warranted to run through without change. A poor man in Southside who wants to go to heaven, has to go afoot. There is only one man in Southside who is footing it. There are some other poor ones who are too weak to walk and too poor to ride. They propose to go to the other place. It is a good deal cheaper to go to h—1 from Southside than it is to go to heaven. ane Southside has a fine park some where. Real 18 Walks About Chicago. estate dealers know where it is. It will be a nice, shady place as soon as some trees are set out. All the little boys of Southside are going to take their grandchildren down to the park to play, as soon as the latter get large enough. There is a velocipede school in Southside. Some of the young mien of Southside who ride the veloci- pede have to stiffen their legs with splinters to keep them from snapping off. Southside has also a peri- odical publishéd in the interest of woman. The interest of woman means, the interest of the woman that publishes it. There is also a man in the commis- sion business in Southside. He lives on The Avenue. There are are a thousand other curious things ¢on- nected with Southside and its residents which must be seen to be appreciated. It is a good place to go to. WESTSIDE. Any person who has ever traveled much, or who has studied physical geography, must have visited, or must have seen, a place known as Westside. It is one of the largest places of its size, and the most singular in respect to its singularity, in the world. To get to Westside, the traveler provides himselt with a water-proof suit of clothing, an umbrella, a life-preserver, and.a box of troches. He then enters an immense hole under ground which leads mainly westward in one direction, and eastward in another. This subterranean entrance to Westside was con- structed for a double purpose. One of these pur- A Triangular Walk. 19 poses was to prevent any body who lives on West- side from leaving. ‘The other was because there is a river which no body can cross, owing to its exhala- tions. The subterranean entrance runs under this river. Going through this hole is a work of immense difficulty and danger. The best way to get through in winter is to skate through. In summer, for a few days, in dog-days, there is good boating. The innu- merable cascades, cataracts, pitfalls, and the intense darkness make its navigation a work of great risk. Like the entrance to Rasselas’ Happy Valley, it is constructed to keep people in, who are once in, and to discourage the coming in of those who are out. Once in Westside the traveler finds himself on an enormous plain sparsely covered with houses. Westside extends from the river to a park somewhere ‘on its limits to the westward. Just where this park is, nobody knows. The boundaries of Westside are as limitless and indefinite as the interval from the Gulf of Mexico to the present time. The architecture of Westside is fine and peculiar. A residence with a marble front always has a butcher’s shop on one side, and a beer saloon on the other. The people who live in Westside are as diversified as their architecture. Westside has street-cars which are sometimes visible when a rain has laid the dust. One conductor on one of these street-cars washed his hands one spring. At least it was said he did. No body was ever able to tell when the time was, or Ros con- ductor it was that did it. 20 Watks About Chicago. Whenever a man in Westside builds a house and puts up a fence in front of it, he immediately calls the space in front of his lot an avenue. Almost every Westsider lives on an avenue. Sometimes a Westside avenue is as much as 200 or 300 feet long. Every other shop in Westside is owned by a butcher, who has always a bloody and half-skinned calf hanging up in his door for a cheerful sign. The thing is so agreeable to Westsiders, that, on every pleasant afternoon, the ladies take their knitting-work, and go and sit in front of the butcher’s shop. Westside is the residence of a good many notable, strong-minded women. ‘These strong-minded women all have virtuous and docile husbands, who are fur- ther characterized by their sweetness, and their retir- ing dispositions. Whenever a Westside woman gets to weigh 270 pounds, she immediately starts out in favor of woman’s rights. In this weigh, she is able to afford great weight to the cause which she advocates. . Every woman in Westside once lived on The Avenue of a place known as Southside. Whenever she goes down town, she goes to visit a friend on The Avenue. Whenever she has been down town, she has been to call on a friend who lives on The Avenue. A good many ladies who live in Westside carry the idea, in the cars, that they live in Southside, on The Avenue, and are only in Westside for a visit. The uncle, aunt, cousin, grand-mother, brother-in- law, step-sister, half-uncle, and god-father of every body in Westside lives on The Avenue in Southside. No young lady in Westside will receive permanent A Triangular Walk. 21 attention from a young man unless he lives on The Avenue in Southside. When a Westsider of the female persuasion dies, her spirit immediately wings its way to the blissful and ecstatic realms of The Avenue on Southside. The railway companies in Westside never water their track. They do their stock. The result, in both cases, is to throw dirt in the eyes of the public. There are no carriages in Westside. It is so dusty there, that a vehicle which does not run on rails can never find its way from one point to another. When it is not dusty it is muddy. The dust has no top, and the mud no bottom. In either case, locomotion, except on tracks, is impossible. Westside has no newspapers. It likewise has no opera-house which is used as a circus. Its principal local amusement consists, among the men, in chewing tobacco, and among the women, in going to church. Wherever there is a corner in Westside not occupied as a drug store, it is occupied by a church. All the churches in Westside have some thing going on in them every evening, and seven after- noons in every week, and four times every Sunday. Whenever there is any thing going on in any church, they toll the bell for an hour and a quarter before it commences, and at intervals during the performance. The result is, that every man in Westside heais from one to eleven bells tolling cheerfully three-fifths of his time. _A stranger in Westside would conclude that the whole town was dead, or that ten or fifteen melan- choly funerals were in progress in every neighbor- 22 Walks About Chicago. hood. There is one church, on the corner of Wash- ington avenue and Robey avenue, that has been tolling its bell without cessation for two years. When there isn’t a prayer-meéting, or some body dead, they toll it for some body who is going to die. They use up 4 sexton there every thirteen days. When there is no prayer-meeting, or any thing else, or any body dead, or any body who is going to die, then the. ie tolls for the last deceased sexton. Westside is immensely philanthropic: It has an asylum for inebriates from Southside; and other places. This asylum has often as many as from one to two inebriates who are undergoing tteatinent. The treatment consists in leaning against the fence, when tight, and in stepping over the way to a saloon and getting tight, when sober. The asylum is a very cheerful building, with enormous windows of four by six glass. Some of the rooms are fine and airy, and would answer for dog-kerinels if enlarged and properly ventilated. There ate a good many other peculiar things in Westside, which can be better understood by being seen than by being heard of. Any body who dares to face the dangers and darkness of the hole in the ground by which one reaches Westside, will be well repaid for his visit. WATER-WORKS AND WATER- FALLS. aaey TIEN one lacks a thenie upon which to ¥ write, he can always fall back on Chica- fl go. Other subjects have a depth which is fathomahble ; Chicago, like its mud, is bottomless. One can always write about Chicago without Wwearying himself or his readers. He may write of it as a whole,—a mud-hole,—if he chooses, and never exhaust it. He may deal with it in particu- lars, and never reach their end. The great event of the past week was the great turinel. And speaking of water-works irresistibly reminds one of our ladies. And this again necessi- tates raptures. What is there more beautiful in song or story, in romance or legend, in dreams or in irnagination, than the latest style of woman? Her water-fall, tied on the top of her head, may be said to be at high tide. There is nothing so charm- ing as the present style. What can be more rakish than the little flat hat, one end of which rests on a delicate nose, and the other, reaching aspiringly up- wards, upon the towering water-fall? The nose of 24 Walks About Chicago. the ladies is out of joint. Once it had its own bridge; now it serves as a pier for a bridge from nose to chignon. The part of the head thus bridged is that which usually contains the intellectual faculties. Bridges are generally built over abysses. There is ordina- rily nothing under a bridge. Is there any thing under these hat-bridges? Are they constructed be- cause there is emptiness, space, vacuity, an abysm between nose and waterfall ? The elevated chignon now covers the organs of amativeness and self-esteem. When women lack a. development in any part, they usually supply it. Why they should pad either of these phrenological developments, one fails to see. It is like carrying coals to Newcastle. The latter of these two organs is always of full size in the sex. The other is never deficient. It is the most beautiful development in woman. With it she loves early and often. From a water-fall to water-works the transforma- tion is natural. In this connection, it is gratifying to be able to state that the new water works well. Not well-water, but lake-water is meant. The new water which comes through the tunnel is of the most remarkable purity. It is so perfectly clear and transparent that, when frozen into ice, it becomes invisible. When a goblet stands befere one at dinner, he has to thrust his finger in it to know whether there is water there. In some respects it is inconvenient. ? 93 band sus ** At eight o’clock to-morrow night, on the corner of State and 4 “My! what singular ladies these Chicago ** Ain’t it jolly? Our folks don’t suspect ** Billy’s gone back on ‘Come around to-morrow evening. John is going to——” And thus the concert went on, mingled with ten thousand allusions to dry goods, laces, poplin, illu- sion, and other things which were Greek or Chal- daic to an unsophisticated person, who, like myself, had never served an apprenticeship in a dry-goods establishment. The aristocratic young men with dyed moustaches were particularly modest. No one of them whom I saw ever stared more than one woman out of coun- tenance at a time. Some of the women didn’t stare out of countenance worth a cent. It was about an even thing when some of the latter and the youths with the dyed moustaches got to looking at each other. Whichever yielded first, usually did so with a modest wink at the other. As a whole I was very much impressed with the matinée. ‘The ladies were remarkably beautiful. They were dressed in a manner gorgeous beyond all description. Their elbows were of a universal sharpness, of which I have patterns of one hundred 3 99 76 Walks About Chicago. and eighteen different ones on my body. ‘They were as modest in their conversation as in their dress. The bearing of many of them was as modest as their conversation. They were calculated to impress a beholder very highly. The perfumery was elegant. I recognized twenty- seven different kinds of French extracts ; eleven varie- ties of old Bourbon; ninety-four of Trix; sixteen of onions; besides a variety of others, such as cloves, sherry, cardamon, lager, tobacco, cheese; and exclu- sive of seventeen other species whose character I could not recognize. The matinées are fine things. There should be more of them. They cultivate feminine muscle. They develop woman’s love of the drama, her pow- ers of observation, and numerous other qualities too numerous to mention. I did not observe any hus- bands present with ¢hezr wives. Nor did I notice any Wives present with ¢ezr husbands. In fine, the matznée isa res magna. ‘There should be one every afternoon. It should be some time after noon. ‘The longer the better. THE OLD MAN’S SMOKE, ETC. aN a family up town there is an individual known among his more intimate friends as the “Old Man.” The Old Man is zs me} “rising” of seven years old, and is a Be ilar old patriarch in the way of knowing things. The other day Madame, who is the Old Man’s ma- ternal relative, came down stairs. As Madame stepped into the room, the Old Man had just lighted a cigar, and was essaying his maiden smoke. He sat upon the sofa, wtith his legs crossed like an old veteran. His paternal relative’s broad-brimmed hat covered his head, and he held his cigar gracefully between his first and second fingers. Madame, being sensible, did not faint, or *‘ go for” her slipper, but took.a book and sat down to watch operations. The Old Man had watched for her appearance dubiously ; but her unconcern reassured him, and he queried, after a vast puff of smoke, and with immense nonchalance, ‘‘ What’s your opinion of rats?” And the Old Man was-happy. He discussed the weather with Madame as if he were an old gentle- man who had called in to chat over the aflairs of the "8 Walks About Chicago. neighborhood. Madame replied indifferently, as if absorbed in her book, but all the while keeping the corner of an eye upon the veteran on the sofa. The Old Man progressed swimmingly. Pussy was called up, and disgusted with the phenomenon of an unexpected quart of smoke in her eyes and nostrils. ‘* Bob,” a female kitchen mechanic, was invited in by the Old Man to witness how he could ‘‘smoke through his nose.” He hauled up a chair and raised his ten-inch legs clear to the top of the back, did this Old Man. And all the time he smoked with the coolness of a Turk. Life opened up roseately before the Old Man. A future revealed itself through the smoke, which was half cigar and half meerschaum. A cigar was to be smoked every morning after breakfast. A negotia- tion was effected with Madame wherewith’ to buy a cigar at recess. In the evening, a pipe. A pipe which he was to color, A beautiful, white pipe, which was to be purchased by the sale of a ball, two colored buttons, and a kite-string. Never was there such a future or such a pipe. And in thus dreaming, and planning, and chatting, the Old Man smoked — now sending a current from his nostrils, now driving it out with a furious blast, and anon puffing it forth in detached cloudlets. The cigar was smoked to the very lip, and then the Old Man thought he would try a pipe. Taking down the meerschaum, he scraped it out scientific- ally with his jackknife, filled it, and resumed his seat on the sofa, and lifted his ten-inch legs to the chair- back. During all this time the Old Man’s face was i all Ss The Old Man’s Smoke. 79 as serene, his smile as genial, and his talk as agree- able, as if earth were affording its highest enjoy- ments. It was an ancient pipe, with much nicotine lurk- ing in its tubular communications. Occasionally some of the nicotine invaded the Old Man’s tongue, whereat he grimaced somewhat — nothing more. The meerschaum was half-smoked out. Once or twice, in the course of absorbing converse, it went out, but was at once relighted with many a reson- ant puff. ‘The pipe was half-smoked, and then there came a single, pearly drop of perspiration creeping out from the Old Man’s hair upon his forehead. A moment later another stole from some covert and stood upon his chin. About this moment, something seemed suddenly to strike the Old Man. A cheer- ful remark was abruptly broken off in the centre, and the Old Mau suddenly stopped as if to reflect upon something unexpected — somewhat as if he had just remembered that his note was over-due, or he had suddenly recollected that his two children had died five minutes before, or that he was to be hung in three minutes, and had entirely overlooked the fact. He took down his legs from the chair, laid aside the broadbrim, and started to put up the pipe. “Why don’t you finish your smoke?” inquired the Madame. ‘¢ [ — h’lieve — ve — smoked —’nuff,” replied the Old Man, as he walked with an uneven step to put up the pipe. When he came back the drops of per- Spiration upon the chin and forehead were rein- forced by hosts of others. A waxy whiteness had 80 Walks About Chicago. taken possession of the approaches to the Old Man’s mouth. He stared vaguely, as if looking through a mist. Two minutes later, all there was of the veteran on the sofa was a limp figure, white as snow, with head bound in wet towels, and an attendant with a slop dish. A little later, and the Old Man lay white and still, with fixed eyes, and a scarcely per- ceptible breathing. It was hours before the Old_ Man left his bed, and when he did he moved about as doall- very old men who find the weight of years a burden. The Old Man has not yet traded his ball, buttons and kite-string for a meerschaum. I have been a good deal surprised that the Ard Fournal, or the art critics of the daily newspapers, have taken no notice of the curtain at Aiken’s Thea- tre. It is said that Aitken, the manager of the Crosby Art Gallery, has offered an immense sum for this painting, with the view of hanging.it up in the place hitherto occupied: by the Yo Semzte. Several con- noisseurs, from New York, and one virtuoso, from Paris, have been to see the curtain, and have offered a fabulous price for this work of art. The painting itself is the “*‘ Lame Washerwoman.” It represents a scene by a mill-pond. In the fore- ground is a stairway leading to the lower proscenium box. Upon this stairway stands a beautiful woman with club-feet. Her right limb is crooked, and is bent so as lie upon the step above the one on which The Cold Victuals Contest. 81 rests her other foot. This charming creature gives the name to the painting. Immediately in front of her, and on the shore of the pond, is a new-fashioned drying machine, upon which is hung an immense washing. Lying upon the ground, near the machine, is a sick man, about thirty feet long. The pond is fine. Nearest the spectator the water is acerulean blue. In the middle distance it is a vivid green. On the further side it is a violet yellow. Beyond the pond is a lofty mountain, of an exquisite variety of green, blue, yellow, and pink. This moun- tain is so arranged that one who stands on this side the pond, or at the foot of the mountain, can look down on its top and see the bottom of an immense crater of an extinct volcano. The sky which overtops the mountain is of a superb green and an elegant yellow. ‘There is a mill at the foot of the mountain, which is a beautiful blue. Mr. Aiken is justly proud of this magnificent work of art. It is said that, when off duty, he spends his whole time sitting in an orchestra chair in front of this curtain, absorbed in admiration of its grandeur. The cold victuals contest rages with unabated vigor. The writer is a member of the Relief Com- mittee of the Young Men’s Christian Association. He begs leave to report through Zhe Sunday Times, that his labors, during the past week, were of the most encouraging character. He is of the opinion 4* 82 Walks About Chicago. that much good is being done to sinners. He visited during the past week thirty-four destitute families. Many refreshing seasons were enjoyed, and many souls were led to think of the exceeding sinfulness of sin. Many interesting incidents occurred. The writer begs leave to report a few of these, as showing the encouraging character of the work upon which the society is engaged : No. 1. Found a widow woman with four children, living in a filthy alley. No furniture or provisions. Woman sick; children crying for bread. Told woman who I was. She felt very grateful. Asked her if she knew she was a sinner. Said she did not know; she was too sick, she said, to think much about it. Asked her if she believed in the worm which dieth not, and the fire which is not quenched. Said her children were troubled with worms a good deal; and would like fire that wouldn’t go out; hers had gone out a week ago. Groaned over her sinful- ness, but, after further talk with her, concluded to relieve her necessities. Gave her a tract entitled “The Bread ofeiite?* No. 5. A saloon, with many awful, sinful men, playing auction-pitch for whisky. Stepped in, and, looking upon them severely, I asked, ‘*‘ Is Jesus here?” Barkeeper said he hadn’t seen any such man, and wanted to know if he run with Long John engine. Groaned, and went out. ; No. 13. Two young women living in the upper portion of a dilapidated house on Wells Street. Both sick. Said they had sent all their clothes to their uncle’s. Had no money, medicine, food, or a The Cold Victuals Contest. 83 friends © Asked them if they knew they had souls to be saved cr lost. One of them said she wasn’t certain. The other said she didn’t give a d—n either way. .What she wanted was some food and a doctor. Gave hera tract entitled the ‘‘ Loaves and Fishes.”~ Gave the other another tract called ‘‘ The Great Physician.” Groaned, and left. No. 27. Crippled Irish soldier and four small chil- dren. He said he had no pension. Was out of work, sick, and discouraged. His wife had lately died, and left his children without any body to care for them. Had no provisions in the house. He hated, he said, to ask for relief, but it was that or starvation. I asked him if he had experienced that change which passeth all understanding. He said he was without any experience in change, or bills of any size whatever. Asked him if he did not know that he was a reprobate. He said he didn’t know; that he hadn’t bate any thing lately, barrin’ a bit ov a discusshun wid fists he had wid a naybor afore bein’ taken sick. I asked him if he didn’t know that that by nature all men are totally depraved, and that he’d be damned to all eternity if he didn’t repent. He said he thought not. He wouldn’t go to the bad place, he’d be d—d if he would. Gave him a tract called ** The Smoking Flax.” Groaned, and left. From these instances, it will be seen that the work of relief goes on. The following is a summary of the writer’s distributions during the last month: Tracts, - - - - - - = 2 2 400 Hymn-books, - - a thn i ay . 125 Testaments, - - - - - - = = 175 84 Walks About Loaves bread, A hay =e ee Petticoats (second-hand), - Cords wood, ~ es = Tons coal, - - > e Pairs boots, - - - = Pairs shoes, = = ~ = Underclothing, - - A More tracts, - - - s GLANCES AT SUMMER RESORTS. MACKINAW. wee ACKINAW, the refrigerating Mecca of Hy] the lakes, made its appearance the second day after we left Chicago. smutiemed) At first sight, it seems neither so large nor so well-built as the Garden City. In these re- spects it even falls somewhat behind Milwaukee. Upon the heights of the island there stands a fort of the most awe-inspiring dimensions and construc- tion. Five fearful-looking six-pounders yawn sav- agely over the seaward walls. A man in blue, with a feather and a bayonet, keeps watch and ward over these terrific implements of destruction. On the narrow beach lies the town. There are two hotels, two churches, another hotel, some board- ing-houses, then some more hotels, another church, a boarding-house, a log-house, thatched with bark, and a private house that is neither a hotel, boarding- house, nor church. There are several other build- ings which are used for selling ‘‘ Indian curiosities.” ° “Indian curiosities” are mainly little articles 88 Glances at Summer Resorts. which sell at the rate of five dollars to a cost of one cent. Mackinaw is the great cooling-off place of the con- tinent.. It is the ice-house, the refrigerator. Meats keep in this wonderful climate seven or eight weeks. The steak which you don’t eat this morn- ing will appear before your plate to-morrow. It will be just as good, and eatable, and fresh as it was this morning. Of course, one rapidly cools off. The only time when one is liable to get into a perspiration is when he pays for any thing, or comes to settle his bill. Cooling off is done by sitting on the balcony of the hotel, tipping back in a chair, and putting your feet on the top rail. The view from the grounds, in front of a party thus engaged in cooling off, is pic- turesque. As a general thing, this style of cooling off is not popular among our lady boarders. Mackinaw is noted for its fishing facilities. I have already fished for two days, and have not as yet had a bite. Singularly, the fishing grounds are all from nine to fifteen miles away, and can only be reached by hiring a man and a sail-boat, at the rate of a dollar an hour. Two friends of mine, four empty whisky-bottles, two gun-cases, six blankets, and about a ton of fishing- tackle, ammunition, and provision-baskets, have just returned from a three days’ excursion to these remote, ° inviting, and prolific fishing waters. They paid $30 for boat and guide; got one trout; seven fish-bites ; from 15,000 to 25,000 sand-fly and Mackinaw. 89 mosquito bites; and one shot ata gull. In addition to this, one of the party got his nose broken by trip- ping over a root; and both got their noses blistered by the sun till they now peel with the facility of birch- bark. Eating fish is the chief amusement among the sojourners at Mackinaw. At the first meal, one takes boiled and broiled white-fish, and boiled and broiled trout. At the next meal you drop the boiled white-fish. At the next you drop the boiled trout. At the next you take broiled trout. At the next you take a very small piece, please, of the broiled white- fish. At the next “No fish, thank you!” There are some other amusements. There is the fun of hearing the steamers whistle. There are never less than from three to five steamers coming in or going out of Mackinaw. All of them blow off steam through an immense copper cylinder; and the performance is called whistling. It shakes the island like a volcano; rattles the window-casements ; tumbles the children out of bed; and awakens one out of his sleep with the impression that Gabriel is blowing his horn for the day of judgment. Another amusement is to walk down through the dust, when a boat comes in, and ask for Chicago papers. Younever get any; but this does not make it any the less interesting to go forthem. The mails for this point come from Chicago véa Cincinnati, Toronto, Montreal, or some other eastern town. There is no news-depot. There are a few depots devoted to the sale of Indian curiosities. Another amusement consists in finding a woman go Glances at Summer Resorts. here without her husband, and then getting up a flirtation with her. As a general thing this is a popular amusement. One can not step out of the house after dark without great danger of tumbling over a couple more or less engaged in love-making. Another amusement consists in a visit to the fort. The fort is a massive work, with a tight stone wall in front, and a board fence in the rear, behind which is an eminence that commands the interior. In case of attack, the intention is to let the enemy capture the fort, then the garrison will retreat to the emi- nence, and proceed to shell out the caged enemy. Taken in all, it is one of the most ingenious traps ever constructed, save, perhaps, the celebrated Peters- burg mine. The fort is garrisoned by a battalion of soldiers. Their duty is onerous. It consists in ceaseless vigils to guard against the approach of British gunboats ; and in rowing and sailing on the lake. Twice or three times a week the officers have to come down to the hotels and dance. These duties, and that of drawing their pay, are a portion of what has to be done by the veterans who guard Fort Mackinaw. There are some other amusements. One can climb trees; watch the Indian women scratch their heads; and visit the ‘‘ Lover’s Leap.” ‘The ‘ Lover’s Leap” is a rock adown which some persecuted maiden leaped to avoid an importunate lover who wished to marry her. Evidently she was not a maiden of modern birth and education. Taken in all, Mackinaw is a nice place. It is cool, 7 “ Sault Ste. Alarie. QI if you can find a breeze and can sit in it. There being no doctors here it is remarkably healthy. Inva- lids who come here always get well soon after they have used up all the medicine they bring with them. There are fine bathing facilities if you go about four miles around back of the island. I take great pleas- ure in recommending the hotel where I am stopping. Its landlord is accommodating, and its clerk is gen- tlemanly. : SAULT STE. MARIE. BerroreE taking final leave of Mackinaw, I ought to say at least a word about the society. It is very brilliant there this summer. Both the hotels are full. When a hotel is full there, they continue to take in more people, like a Chicago street-car. I slept ina small bed-room off a parlor. Two others and a dog slept in the same room. In the parlor, on cots, sofas, and the floor, were a married man, his wife, a baby that lay awake nights and yelled, three young ladies, some children, and another baby a little larger than the other. About the same sort of thing was all over the house. Sometimes the babies cried, the married man swore, the married woman said “ Hush!” the older children snored, and the young ladies ‘‘ Oh deared,” and the dog barked, all at once. When to this concert were added two steamers whistling at the landing, the porter taking a big trunk down stairs, and the barking of some more dogs down in the village, the whole was delightful as an old-fash- ioned horning at a wedding. gz Glances at Summer Resorts. Chicago is largely represented at Mackinaw. A Chicago man is known the moment he arrives. He goes down to the landing, and hallos up to people on the boat: ‘“* What was wheat doin’ ?” The next day, when the Chicago man comes down to breakfast, he inquires of the first man he meets: ‘¢ What is corn goin’ to do?” The ladies from all places have a superb time. They discuss each other’s peculiarities behind each other’s backs, in a style that is at once exciting and interesting. Those at the Island House have a sort of a general idea of the superiority of their set over the people at the Mission House. ‘Those at the Mission House are pervaded with a sort of a feeling of com- miseration for the ladies who are forced to stop at the Island House. At each place the people who sit at one end of one table find themselves somewhat disposed to hold themselves aloof from the other people who sit at the other end of the same table. In the same way the first floor is rather disposed to be arrogant with re- spect to the second floor. A parlor is very airy towards a single bed-room. A double bed-room holds itself rather higher than a single bed-room. It was just at the precise moment when every body who wished to go to Lake Superior had fallen into his first sleep, that the steamer Union, bound from Chicago to Superior, blew her charming whistle. There was a hasty shifting of night-shirts for other garments, a strapping of trunks, a grinding of dray wheels, a squalling among the children aroused by the clamor, and then the cabin of the Union. ‘aid Sault Ste. Marie. 93 Happening, after a while, to have business below, I descended to the lower deck of the Union, and was at once agreeably and vastly astonished. Among her other freight was a lot of cattle, sheep, swine, and cabbages. From these there arose an odor like unto Bridgeport. It was delightful. I inhaled the familiar fragrance, and I felt myself at home again. Once more Chicago was present, and for a moment I forgot that I was an exile and a wanderer. That evening all Chicago went to the lower deck and breathed in delicious remembrances of home. A German from the North Side selected the pile of cabbage, and others took the odor of hog, sheep, or beef-cattle, according to their fancies. At a late hour we regretfully tore ourselves away, and went to our respective state-rooms above. Daylight found us tied up, in the fog, to a thriving settlement known as De Tour, at the foot of Ste. Marie’s River. The place is handsomely located on the American shore, and has one store, one dwelling, and one wood-pile. On that particular morning its population was largely increased by two canoe-loads of Indians, who were in camp there over night. They were children of nature, thrilling and beauti- ful. A patriarchal squaw wore a man’s hat, a woman’s petticoat, and a pair of unmistakable breeches. Her old man had ona calico shirt, and nothing else worth mention. There was a maternal canine of no particular breed, with five responsibili- ties. When the hour for departure came, the moth- erly dog was firmly, yet unceremoniously, lifted by the tail and flung into the canoe. A gridiron, frying- 94 Glances at Summer Resorts. pan, her wailing infants, a piece of fat meat for din- ner, and a couple of fish were flung on top of her, and then the untutored natives paddled away. One who desires solitude can not do better than to locate any where on either side of the Sault Ste. Marie. It isa narrow river, which * runs like h—l,” as a military gentleman on board expressed it, and has not sufficient tillable ground on either shore to grow a hill of beans. A man in search of rocks would like the country. A man fond of blackened stumps by the million would be pleased with the location. The stream is so crooked that a man on the bow of the boat could almost, at any time, shake hands with one on the stern. At the head of the river, and opposite the locks that lead into Lake Superior, is Sault Ste. Marie. Sault Ste. Marie is pronounced ‘ Soo.” The ‘*‘ Soo” is another fashionable watering place. There are some stores, some log-houses, and a hotel. The hotel is built to hold fifty people comfortably ; but it contains usually one hundred and fifty. Men with eye-glasses stood on the shore, watching our approach. Gaily-dressed women, with “ Follow-me- lads” did likewise. Opposite the locks are the rapids. The rapids afford the best shooting facilities on the lakes. The shooting is done inacanoe. You get in a canoe, with four Indians, and then shoot the rapids. It is rare sport, if you don’t get spilled. In which case you are recovered in small pieces from the still water a mile or two below. Sault Ste. Marie. 95 Shooting the rapids is like being shot out of a fifteen-inch gun — only you go faster in the former case. I enjoyed the shooting—the rapid motion, the tremendous excitement, and the imminent danger — immensely. In every case that I thus enjoyed this unequaled amusement, it was when I sat on a rock on the shore, and saw some one else going down the stream. There is a fort there. It consists of an acre of ground inclosed by a board fence. Several six-pound guns stand in the middle of the inclosure. A man with a bayonet very kindly stands at the gate and keeps out the cattle. There were some Chicago men there who inquired about wheat. There were likewise some gentlemen with very pointed shoes, white handkerchiefs over their hats, side-whiskers, and single eye-glasses. All of them pronounce can’t as if written Aawzt. I sus- pected that they came from a country known as Canada. The amusements at the ‘‘ Soo” are the same, prin- cipally, as at Mackinaw. ‘The men put their heels high up in the daytime, and take them down occa- sionally to take a drink, play a game of billiards, or go down and see a boat come in. The ladies all have three different dresses, which they change according to the meals. ‘There is calico with coftee, light colors with roast beef, and black with young hyson. Still another style is worn later at night, whose character | had no opportunity of exam- ining. Parlor and bed-room, first floor and second floor, 96 Glances at Summer Resorts. have the same opinion of their respective merits that they have of each other at Mackinaw. The ‘‘ Soo” is cool when one is not in a warm place. JI found it endurable in shady places where there was a stiff breeze. A good deal of cooling-off is done through straws over a counter. There is an Indian at the * Soo.” I did not learn his residence. Sometimes he sat in the sun and dolefully delved with his fingers in his hair. Some- times he came in town with a pail of ‘ huckleber- ries.” Oftener he sat in the sun thinking of his heroic ancestors, the desecrated graves of his fore- fathers, and meanwhile burrowing among his raven locks. His costume was usually primitive and ven- tilated. It was the same Indian that you meet at Mackinaw, at De Tour, at every other point from the Straits to Superior City. Poor Indian! He dreams, suns himself, and scratches. LAKE SUPERIOR. WE were locked into Lake Superior as the shades of evening were being pulled down over the case- ments of the eastern sky. There was a sunset that evening. It occurred a little north of west, on the horizon. Some one on board said the sun was about going to bed. The publicity attending the perform- ance may account for the redness of the face of the sun. He felt ashamed. | The phenomenon was perfectly splendid. My . —— Lake Superior. 97 authority for this assertion is a young lady, who sat on the bow and witnessed the performance. There was a newly married couple witnessing the gorgeous sunset. It affected them powerfully. They nestled closer together, they clasped, with the strength of vices, each other’s hand. ‘Their cheeks came in contact. Somehow, the sunset was not the only thing that thus affected them. Every thing else had the same effect on them. If there was an island in sight, they squeezed hands. If a canoe came in view, they took a sly embrace. No matter what appeared or occurred, the opportu- nity was selected as the one in which to make an erotic demonstration. In fact, so far as I saw, except during frequent disappearances into their stateroom, they seemed to be everlastingly indulging in some ecstatic and love-inspired performances. The red-faced sun went under the waves. Night drew its curtain of gauzy darkness around from the east. The stars came out in myriads, and flashed through the curtains. The shores receded into a misty obscurity, and then disappeared. The blue lines upon the horizon changed from purple to an inky blackness. The waters dashed against the prow, and rushed behind us with a monotonous and mournful sound, like the sweep of the swift current of a river. Taking advantage of all these occurrences, the newly-wedded pair repaired to their stateroom. Following the example of night, I will draw a veil over the occurrences of the evening. At precisely daylight, there came a furious rapping 5 98 Glances at Summer Resorts. along the stateroom doors, accompanied with the remark: ‘‘ We’re a-comin’ close to Pictured Rocks.” Before I left Chicago, J. Adams Allen, MD: mentioned the fact that Pictured Rocks could minister more to a mind diseased than all the M.D.’s and apothecary shops in Christendom. Every body else said that Pictured Rocks were ¢#e attraction of Lake Superior. I was therefore highly impressed with Pictured Rocks. I put on my clothes and went out. It was a sublime scene. It was just day-break. The cold wind whistled across the deck, and set one’s teeth to chattering, like castanets. Casting nets is a cold business. It is the coolest figure I can think of. It was just two hours of freeze, swear, chill, and shiver, before we got abreast of Pictured Rocks. They are fine. ‘The uneasy lake has worn away the shore, until there remains a long wall whose face is perpendicular to the water. Upon this wall are the famed pictures. The first noticeable picture is an immense hole. Looking upon auger holes and other excavations and drillings in the light of pictures, then the hole in the Superior rock is a grand artistic success. It has great depth, — forty or fifty feet. It has breadth, — not less than sixty feet. It has stone, — sand-stone. The chtaro-oscuro is probably good, —that is, if it have any. All pictures are said to have chzaro- OSCUrO. The next picture was either a portrait of Mr. Lincoln, or a cavity made by the fall of a ton or so 4 Lake Superior. 99 of rocks. Being a couple of miles away, I could not say with certainty which it was. Further along there is a chapel. At least the guide-book says so. Itis probably very fine. I have no hesitation in conceding that it is one of the finest pieces of architecture in existence. Iwas unfortunate enough not to be able to see it. There are twelve or fifteen other pictures spoken of in the guide-book, which I did not see. It is possible that they have been removed for exhibition to Crosby’s Art Gallery. The first watering-place of note after leaving the ** Soo” is Marquette. Marquette was situated ona northward turn in the south bank of Lake Superior. It had some elegant brick stors. There was a sidewalk. There were also some private residences, in which people resided. Such was Marquette. At present it looks very much like a place where an encampment of Indians cooked its last night’s supper. Nevertheless, by some singular dispensation of Providence, hotels were spared, and to them flock the pleasure-seekers. It is a good place to seek pleasure. There is good fishing some fifty or more miles below. There is excellent pigeon-shooting down at Grand Island, only eighty miles away. Game is found in abundance on the other shore of the lake, only some 300 miles distant. ‘The bathing is excellent in the lake, if you first take out the water and heat it. There will be a good harbor as soon as it can be built. The facilities for getting about town are varied. 100 Glances at Summer Resorts. One can climb over brick-piles, clamber over timber- piles, swim through mortar-beds, or wade through the sand. The crowd, especially at the Northwestern, is good-looking and well-dressed. The gentlemen amuse themselves by sitting on the small of their backs, under the trees, and in chewing tobacco. The ladies are engaged in sitting on the portico, in changing their dresses, and in playing billiards. None of them as yet can beat even Foster. They use the cue, and play the ‘ full,” or ‘* pocket,” game. Sometimes the guests go out for a little row. I mean a row on the lake, and not a row on the land. Sometimes they go out riding. There are no thea- tres, circuses, regattas, horse-races, concerts, dances, excursions, or picnics. Leaving these out, the amusements are very entertaining. You can make love to somebody’s wife. You can shoot with a bow and arrow at the trees. You can observe the fine play of a fountain which occurs for a few minutes semi-annually. Any general eclipse of the sun or moon, and visible from that vicinity, can likewise be seen from Marquette. In such a case, the view must undoubtedly be a fine one. NIAGARA. NIAGARA is a great thing. A vast body of water _ goes down an inclined plane, and then falls over a hill or precipice. There is an island which divides the current be- Niagara. IO] fore it gets to the precipice. The land is called Goat Island. This is an improper rendering of Go-it Island. It was so termed originally from the way the waters go-it on either side. I should say that the Falls are quite sublime. I think I have some where heard or read something to that effect. But the sublimest thing is not Niagara; it is in seeing Niagara. Mr. Carlyle had somewhat to say of the danger of shooting Niagara. If Mr. C. knows as much about as I do, his next article will be a stronger one than his last, and will be called Seeing Niagara. The charge at Balaklava has been much lauded. It was a tame affair compared to the charges at Niagara. To see Niagara, you buy eleven silk dresses for your wife, and six shirts for yourself. You then get all the ready money you have, borrow all your friends have, and make arrangements for unlimited credit at two or three good, solvent banks. You then take six trunks, some more money, a nurse, a colored servant, some more money; and then, after getting some more money, and extending your credit at one or two more strong banks, you set out. It is better, if possible, just before you leave, to mortgage your homestead and get some more money. After getting there, your cheapest plan will be to purchase a hotel, and a carriage and team. Youcan stay a week, and then give away the hotel and the carriage, and still make money by the operation. If not disposed to economy, you can pursue the ‘ d im s ‘ ae 102 Glances at Summer Resorts. ordinary lavish American way of taking rooms at a caravansera, and paying for every thing at the regular rates. The first step in seeing Niagara is to dress your wife in one of her most expensive suits. Yourself ditto. Your wife then goes into the parlors on exhi- bition. You light a cigar, go out on the verandah, and put your heels high up ona column. While. your wife finds out if any body has any more expen- sive clothes than she, you occupy yourself in trying to stare some woman out of countenance. As a general thing, your last effort will be a failure. Sometimes, after people have examined each other for a week or so, in the parlors and at the dinner- table, they take a fancy to go out and look at some water which, at this place, runs over a hill. This is not always done. Nevertheless, when there is a lull in other affairs, some of the more energetic visitors go out and visit the river. The water falls over the precipice at a point some sixty feet from the rear of the hotel. To visit this remarkable phenomenon, you negotiate for a ba- rouche, a pair of horses, and a driver. To get over this sixty feet, you get in the carriage and are driven slowly down the river for three miles. This is what happened to me. When I had been driven toward the Falls for three miles, the driver said we were at the whirlpool. [ paid him a dollar for the information, and then went down to see the whirlpool. You have an excellent view of the whirlpool from the top of the bank. But there are stairs which go Magara. 103 down to the water, where the view is not half so good, owing to the lowness of the situation. You can go down in half an hour, if you hurry. When you get down to the bottom, you can see nothing, and therefore prepare to ascend. It is broiling hot, and an ascent of five hundred steps stairs you in the face. When one reaches the top, he has just enough life in him to be able to read a sign which has been hung up while he was away: ‘‘One dollar each, to be appropriated for the benefit of orphans.” My representation to the young man, that I aman orphan, produced no effect. It was some other orphan that he labored for. He was an orphan of about fifty years. I felt sorry for his motherless con- dition. There is another desolate orphan there, who is armless, and who is bereft of his parents at the tender age of sixty-five. For being an orphan, and for not having any arms, he collects a dollar from each visitor. Paying the driver another dollar for having waited for me, I continued the journey to the falls. The next move in getting to the Falls consists in driving over into Canada. For the privilege of going over into Canada, one pays a man a dollar. The Canadian journey to the Falls is romantic and full of incident. You begin by paying something to a woman who charges for passing her house. The next view of the Falls is a blind man with a camera. You pay him something. There is a leg- less man with a prism. You pay him something. Another fine view of the Falls occurs here. You 104. Glances at Summer Pesorts. pay a man five dollars for a photograph of yourself seated in your carriage. As you drive along you obtain views of the Falls by disbursing at a hotel for lemonades, to another blind man, to an Indian, to somebody who exhibits a stuffed wild-cat, to a woman with fawns, to a man with rocks, and some sixty or seventy others. The regular minimum charge of each one of these is one dollar. After having paid these respective charges the car- riage goes back to the hotel, and drives over on Go-it Island. There is a charge of one dollar for going on’ Go-it Island. The drive is a fine one. Being completely shut in with trees, it is shady and cool. In the distance one catches glimpses of water. Returning to the hotel, after a drive of five hours, I dismissed the carriage, and then walked out on the back porch, and, for the first time, got a view of the Falls. The next day I went under the Falls. For going under the Falls, you pay somebody two dollars. Going under the Falls can be arranged at home by people who are not millionaires, and who can not afford to visit Niagara. To arrange it at home, a person should array himself in a close-fitting suit of oil-cloth. This done, let him have a servant screw a hose on a fire-plug, and then play the stream full in his face. Let this be continued for ten minutes ; after which he should, to keep up the imitation of Niagara, pay the servant five dollars, and then com- _ as Niagara. 105 mence doctoring himself for the catarrh, a tremen- dous cold, and a severe attack of rheumatism. From what I saw of the Falls, I should say that they are fine, and rather wet. People who can not afford to visit Niagara, can get up substitutes at home, which will differ in no essen- tial particular from Niagara itself. The best substitute that occurs to me is for a man to put all his capital in a bank, and then get a run on him. As he sees the last dollar of his fortune being paid out, he will feel as one does who is at Niagara. » Another excellent substitute, and a cheap one, is for a man to put all his money in his pocket, and then allow himself to be garroted. As he feels an arm compressing his neck, and a hand “ going through” his pockets, he will feel pretty much as one does at Niagara. Altogether the finest view of the Falls is to be had at the dinner-table. The waterfalls there visible are immense. The number of people who are here engaged in defrauding the government of the income tax, in im- poverishing themselves, and in beggaring their unfor- tunate and foredoomed offspring, is very great. It is a well-dressed crowd. Some of it is good-looking. There are some young women here. They are lovely. To say that they are here in search of hus- bands, would be a slander on their sex; young women never do such things. They are here be- cause their parents have found that money is a burden and a sin, and have come here to rid them- selves of it. 5m 106 Glances at Summer Resorts. IN THE COUNTRY. Tus point lies somewhere between Niagara Falls and Saratoga. I came hither by way of the New York Central Railroad. It is a place which is not famous, as a general thing. No great battle was ever fought here. ‘There is a legend concerning a man who was scalped here by Indians something like a century or two ago. Waiving the many doubts that assail the authen- ticity of the occurrence, the public will find in this event the most exciting one that ever took place here. But, to me, it is a place of the most immense im- portance. It is the birthplace of a person in whom I have the most profound interest. ‘This person is to me the most important individual in existence. With his past I have been most intimately associa- ted. In his future, I have a most absorbing interest. This important individual is none other than — myself. This place is a good deal in the country. Its most populous point is its cemetery. Unlike the country about it, the cemetery is growing in popula- tion; and is liable to improvement. It is the only settlement to whose suburbs there are ever made ad- ditions. While every thing else stands still, that goes ahead. While all other lots are quiet, its lots are advancing in price. One who leaves Chicago for a month, or any other western town for a few weeks, will scarcely, Ln the Country. 107 on his return, recognize the place, owing to the 1m- provements. An absence of twenty years from this characteristic eastern place shows, perhaps, a new coat of paint on some fence, or a new clapboard in some house. Otherwise one finds things as if he had left them but a week ago. A dog rushed out from a yard and barked at me as I came up, and then, with dropped tail, dodged a vicious cut from the horse-whip, and took sanctuary behind the fence through a hole under the gate. I could almost swear that the same dog had come out at me, in the same manner, and made his escape through the same hole, under the same gate, and had then stood and barked at me through the same fence, a quarter of a century ago. One who comes back, after an absence of a few years, will be very apt to fancy that his absence is only a dream, and that he has slept only a night. The only thing that will correct this idea is to no- tice how the grave-yard is swollen. ‘There are also threads of silver in locks that were glossy brown when he went away. Other faces are missing, as if they had gone away in the night. ‘There are like- wise young and strange faces that meet him here and there. But chiefly does one recognize that he has not been dreaming, and that the ponderous years have rolled away into the insatiable past, by facts con- nected with population and of interest to the census- taker. You call around to see Almani, whom you left a rosy, romping, gushing thing of sweet sixteen. You find her a matronly dame, with crow’s-feet 108 Glances at Summer Resorts. around her eyes, and long lines engraven upon either cheek. A strapping youth, with whiskers, is an- nounced as her oldest. A healthy infant sucks its thumbs upon her lap, and stares at you with ‘‘ round- eyed wonder.” It is the youngest. Between the whiskers and z¢ with the nourishing thumb, there is a girl with bare legs, a boy that last winter ‘* went through the ’rithmetic,” and some more boys that develop incipient tendencies, to the maternal eye, toward theology and the spiritual charge of the white church on the hill. Such spectacles set the visitor, who has been away out into the world for a few years, to feeling the bald spot on his cranium, to ascertain its precise extent, and to wondering what the d—l Time is in such a hurry about. Confusion to these women who, in place of remain- ing in cozy and perpetual maidenhood, grow wrink- led and attenuated, and thrust in the face of the returned wanderer their fifteen-pound babies, to remind him that he is growing old! This chronol- ogy of population; these evidences afforded by the processes of multiplying and replenishing the earth ; these assertions contained in pap, and diapers, and small clothes — have given me a fit of the horrors. My gums seem almost toothless, my head brainless, my body juiceless, and my legs attenuated into the ‘shrunk shank,” whose ‘“slippered pantaloons” seem a world and a half ‘‘ too wide” for their with- ered and ancient contents. Let me advise him who is happy in the belief that the shadows of old age are still far distant in the fu- Saratoga. 109 ture, to avoid, after prolonged absences, the home of his childhood. If not, he may awake to the unpleas- ant fact that the sunset of life is just on the horizon, and that already the gray twilight of coming night is reflected in his hair, while its gloom is narrowing swiftly the horizon of his existence. Amusements in the country, hereabouts, are rather scarce. A box or any other operatic seat is not to be had for any consideration. Grau was not hither- wards on his last tour. Ristori has hitherto avoided this locality. Ole Bull, for some inexplicable rea- son, went by on the other side. Kellogg was not here last year, or the year before, or any other year. Brignoli, Gottschalk, Zucchi, Heller, Hartz, Mo- rensi, Hermanns, Hableman, and some fifteen 01 twenty others, have not been here of late, or at any other time. The only one that was ever here was Gough. Gough was once here. He never came but once. In this particular, the place has a edie, advantage over Chicago. SARATOGA. As it may not be generally known, I will state that Saratoga is a watering-place. One goes to Niagara to see water. One does not come here to see water. Sea-water is not good to drink. People come to Saratoga to drink water. I have observed that a great deal of water is drunk here. A large class of people who drink it is composed of invalid gentlemen with red eyes and IIO Glances at Summer Resorts. swollen noses. They patronize mainly Congress Hall spring. It is located in the basement. Two invalids or more usually go to the spring together. A high counter is erected before the spring. Behind this is the attendant. The attendant is a man with a dyed moustache, hair elaborately oiled and curled, and clad in a white apron, The invalids arrange themselves before the spring and name their water. Each man habitually takes about one-third of a tumblerfull. The spring water has usually a reddish tinge, and looks a good deal like Chicago brandy. When the invalids drink, they generally remark: altere.s tuck ay The spring here spoken of is very popular. The invalids go to it at intervals of from fifteen minutes to half an hour. When a man drinks the health- giving-water, he usually grimaces. From this fact, I infer that it is not pleasant to the taste. That it is wonderfully healthful, [know. There is an invalid whom I saw drinking some of it some weeks ago. He was then thin and pale. He is still drinking it, and has grown very fleshy. He is no longer pale, especially his nose and the whites of his eyes. He is now the most rubicund, fat, and shaky picture of health I ever saw. The great majority of visitors who visit here, come for the purpose of drinking the mineral waters. There are two ways of drinking Saratoga water. One is to stay at home and buy it by the bottle of the druggist. The other is to buy six or seven three-story > Saratoga. III trunks, fill them with your wife’s clothing, and then, after putting up your own clothing in a carpet-bag, to come here. ‘To get here, one usually stops a few weeks by the way at Niagara, Newport, Long Branch, and other prominent points. The last mentioned way of drinking the health- giving waters of Saratoga is the most fashionable. It is no better in a sanitary point of view than the other. But it gives your wife a better show. No woman can prosper on Saratoga water with less than thirty-four distinct changes of apparel. To get the full benefit of the mineral water, the visitor stops at Congress Hall. It is the largest hotel here. The larger the hotel, the better the effect of drinking the water. A room on the first floor is more conducive to health than one on the floor above. Mineral water poured inside a thousand-dollar dress with a woman in it, is much more beneficial than when the dress costs only thirty-five dollars. Drinking Saratoga water is healthful. The ladies drink it by changing their dresses some 28 times per week. Sometimes they take the water by getting up a flirtation. The men drink it at the spring heretofore noticed. At other times, they drink it by laying white or red chips on a card. Another way consists in five men getting around a table in a room. Each man lights a cigar, takes about one-third of a tumbler of spring water, and then begins operation. There is health in this method, because I heard one man say something about ‘ going better.” Another man said something about a “ flush.” I suppose he meant a flush of health. Another nan mentioned 112 Glances at Summer Resorts. something about a ‘ full.” He looked so happy that he must have meant that he was full of satisfac- tion, or joy, or something. Another man got so strong that he ‘‘ raised” the other four, all at once. Another favorite way for a gentleman to imbibe the health-giving water, is for him to put an eye- glass across his nose, his feet on the top rail of the balustrade of the verandah, a chew of tobacco in his mouth, and then to spit between the rails. Isee gentleman doing this by the hour. Occasionally they get up, go down in the basement where the spring is, and then come back wiping their mouths with their pocket-handkerchiefs. While the gentleman thus recuperate by spitting through the railings, the ladies promenade up and down the piazza. A woman who is taking a full course of mineral waters retires to change her dress every time she crosses the piazza once. In the evening, there is what is called a hop. A hop is a process in the curative operations of mineral waters. At a hop every body at the hotel puts on a new and expensive dress, and all his or her finery. All then go to the spacious dining-room, and sit down in chairs. There is a band, that is led by a romantic youth of 58, with a bald head and moustache. After the band has played several airs, a young man with his hair parted by compass exactly in the middle, with narrow shoulders, thin legs, patent-leathers, and an eye-glass, steps into the small space survound- ed by the spectators. Along with him is a young woman with a wasp- “= ~- ‘ es Green Mountains. 113 waist, an enormous and expensive (considering the price of elevators) mammary development, twelve pounds of false hair, and costume tucked up behind, a@ la washerwoman. These two hitch together, thrust out two united arms laterally, and commence revolving. As they do so, the crowd watches breathlessly the color of the young woman’s garters, and the frilled and laced whirl of her under-clothing. The mysterious and beautiful turmoil of revolving and immaculate linen enchains the eye of every male spectator. These two revolve until the slender youth shows signs of faintness, and the young woman has left little or nothing to be solved by the imagination. These hops are the most delightful and beautiful of the curative operations of mineral water. Of three or four hundred who attend a hop, as many as six or eight usually dance. Between the intervals of the dances, young ladies who do not dance, but who have on a new dress, walk across the space occupied by the dancers. GREEN MOUNTAINS. HAVING successively exhibited all the various suits of clothing in my family party, and finding my finances getting low, in consequence of- responding Lo the appeals for pecuniary aid of the gentlemanly landlord with whom I resided, I concluded to hunt a cheaper locality. When one leaves Niagara or 114 Glances: at Summer Resorts. Saratoga, after a lengthened sojourn, his most natural destination is a poor-house. But it was not in search of a poor-house that I came hitherwards. I am not disposed to slander Vermont hospitality with any such remark. - If a man who has been stopping a few weeks at Niagara or Saratoga can not get admittance to a poor-house, the next best thing he can do is to “take” the bankrupt act. A receipted hotel-bill from either these places will be accepted by any bankrupt-commissioner as final evidence of remediless poverty. It ought to procure his discharge without further difficulty. To get to Vermont from Saratoga, one goes to Whitehall, and thence to Rutland. Between the two places, the Vermont line is crossed. I knew we had crossed it by the coming on the train of a stranger who sat down by me, and commenced an acquaintance by inquiring where I was going, how long I was going to stay, where I came from, what the price of butter was when I left, and whether I knew Deacon Doggett, who lived out in Illinois. From Rutland to Burlington, one passes a few handsome villages and some rocks. There is a great variety of the latter. They are piled up to immense heights. A little timber is scattered over them, and some grass grows here and there among the crevices. Here these crevices are fenced in, and are called pastures. All the cattle that pasture on these crevi- ces are rigged out with brakes, without which they could not get down the hills. My present stopping-place is at the foot of the Green Mountains. II5 Green Mountains, a few miles east of Burlington. The country is primitive, and there are some rocks here. The inhabitants are distinguished for longey- ity, hospitality, radicalism, asthma, the use of patent medicines, and for being pervaded with an insane idea that this portion of Vermont is the location ot the original Eden. A man of note in this vicinity has from 50 to 100 cows, 600 acres of land, a span of No. 1 horses, two fancy sheep, and a sugar-orchard. A man who has all these may run for the Assembly if he pleases, or be a deacon in the Church. Real estate hereabouts is mostly rocks set up on edge, with grassy crevices for the cows.