She book of (00d Manners Ay Vactor TI. Diesche: ; j * if . ss \ ' 7 ? * a ‘ 4 Er %) -s { ; ' YN t x ‘ , ‘< e / fr THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS A GUIDE TO POLITE USAGE FOR ALL SOCIAL FUNCTIONS By VICTOR H. DIESCHER SOCIAL CULTURE PUBLICATIONS 151 FIFTH AVENUE : NEW YORK ee Copyright 1923, sf pi _ Sota CULTURE PUBLICATIONS Mae ; (MANUFACTURED IN U. 3. ais m0,¥ Wea i Kies a Oa RICA With the purpose of democratizing, as it were, the subject of etiquette and making its laws un- derstandable and applicable to the daily life of the every-day man and woman by giving greater prominence to the basic elements of good man- ners, rather than the elaboration of circumstances never met with by people who resort to a book of etiquette for the purpose of improving their knowledge of what constitutes correct form, this work is sincerely dedicated. Correct procedure for those formal occasions which most anyone is likely at any time to attend are herein set forth, as well as that for the most elaborate functions. It has been endeavored to cover all details of good manners, as to rule and application. In how great a measure this purpose has been accom- plished, time and practical use can only disclose; but if the desire of the readers to improve their understanding of good manners is in any degree enhanced by the use of this volume, in such degree will be repaid the effort of compiling the work. Vo He. D: ill CONTENTS PART | Goop MANNERS IN DatLty LIFE CHAPTER I THe Home eS PLOT SE wo) iaiiais (ha lliten el ies eet ele rw Mabie OF THE} LRUE HOME, vi. ee ee Re eer E THE LIOME.! ) cue. Ne Piel) Tew ele bl eye Perera TANG IKERVERENCE 10) ee ee te ete PIRIECUR EMO DH EC EOM BD. at Cre er ge we glu CHAPTER II Goop MANNERS FOR CHILDREN MPTP AT, (AL ATCT i | leh ra ge Ak a Pere enren Lise OF THE FORK SO fo go Se oe eb. MME IC A NETD SOR I Sin bart gh we ees Meu IRM ee oP ic Gh gh antl SA RIN MEL Se 8 1 in ER USS VA iN a Pe He emote ANE OTHER TABLE MATTERS FOR Caer ahey Pas aeC MB Yh ari eae Quietness at Table—Talking at Table Seem MERSIN CHILDREN 64 oa tel diay ley he heli elle Obedience—Courtesy and Respect—Courteous Speech CHUMREN DAT OIARTERNOON TEAS 3 Os ek fs CHILDREN’S ParTIES . ‘ Invitations—The Birthday Pacey ert ip ayia Guest Receiving the Young Guests—Departure of the Young Guests Ve PAGE cost Aw & 17 18 CONTENTS CHAPTER III Goop MANNERS FoR Grown-Ups—A WEEK END at Home THe DiInNER Hover . Tue INFORMAL INVITATIONS. THE INFORMAL NOovTE oF AR CORS or ‘REGRETS Fae. THe INVITATION BY TELEPHONE. . THE Note or Apotocgy . . . Aan” THE Impromptu INVITATION AND Rew THE INTRODUCTION BY LETTER. ARRIVAL AND RECEPTION OF GUESTS . THE DreEssING Rooms ANNOUNCING THE PARTNERS THe WEEK-END GUEST. THe TrmE-ALLOWANCE Tue Se_r-MApE INTRODUCTION. INTRODUCING ONE PERSON TO A GROUP. . . . e« « « « ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER SAS ae ae aa PLACE CARDS: 3 08 eu Ys a a et SEATING 0 ey aa eR URaigt ig) WHEN TO BE ra Ce 3) RON aay eee att) a Ve Snleelaneg a THE TABLE SETTING! ¢ gouin oe ania we ete a tpye ke eee SETTING THE PLACES . c é THE SitveErR—How to KEEP ie Baiieee, Ves Aaa te Do's: AnD Dont’s IN TABLE ) SETTING: Ol 0iey wie NEMO i ante The Balanced Meta . . * e e e 2 . e s Correct SERVICE OF DINNER. ... he dat rile The Order of Service—The Bese Besse Plate—The Exchange Plate—Manner of Presenting and Removy- ing Dishes and Utensils—Dinner Rolls or Bread— Butter—The Table-Service Wagon—The Serving Table —Presenting Dishes—Filling Glasses—Glasses and Their Contents—Clearing Table for Dessert DESSERTS Fh hrent ven enae DESSERT SERVICE . . . PAGE 24 25 26 27 28 29 50 51 CONTENTS SAG St oa a I THE Fincer Bowt. Use of the Finger Bowecrincer Sonl Doilies CARVING ON THE TABLE. : Host anp Hostess . 5 When Accidents ec ihe: a ee Teves ‘the Table Goop Manners At TABLE. Fork, Spoon, FINGERS LEAVING THE TABLE . : Corree, Liqueurs, CicArs, Cue ceriies AND eaten ane : WHEN THE GENTLEMEN RETURN FROM THE SMOKING Room AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTURE OF THE GUESTS. : THe Younc Man anp YouNG eee. ; : Asking the Escort In—Introducing the Vouie ved The Week-End Guests Go to Bed—The Young Man Leaves—Inviting the Young Man to Call Again—Re- fusing the Man Who Asks to Call—When a Second Man Enters—Serving Refreshments to Callers—Gifts to the Young Woman—Note of Thanks for a Gift Tue Escort CHAPTER IV Goop MANNERS IN THE STREET AND IN PuBLic On THE STREET ‘ Give the Other pose a Chance Loner a ea Ladies, Gentlemen and Bundles—Who Should Pay?— The Restaurant Check—When to Offer a Lady a Seat in a Trolley Car—Other Trolley Etiquette—A Lady Always on the Right—Smoking At Pusiic GATHERINGS. Good Manners at the Theatre—The Opera—Good Manners in a Box at the Opera Vii 71 72 78 CONTENTS PAGE Goop MANNERS AND BUSINESS. . . oe OR ae Courtesy in Business—Etiquette Ceneeatete for the Business World CHAPTER V CLuss AND CLUB ETIQUETTE ATTAINING MEMBERSHIP. . . 5 WRENS 86 Meeting the Governors—Ask Only taut Friends to Propose You THE) New (MEMBER 3) 08 ok Oe Goop MANNERS AT CLUB. .. . 89 Introducing a Visitor to a Clubs Been eeee he Club Visitors Tae InrormaL Crus... oo) OR oa CHAPTER VI Goop MANNERS AT PusLic BALLS AND DANCES THe DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BALL AND A DANCE. .. . Of Tue Lapy Gores To A BALL or DANCE. SRN 03 OBLIGATIONS OF THE YOUNG MAN. 2... . 24's 04 GETTING ACQUAINTED!) 0") tales Oates een ee 04 THE Youne Lapy “DANCES (y) 0) )00)0 iy ae ee ASKING FOR-AND ACCEPTING| A DANCE; ~. 2000) wo oe ee WHEN To SToP DANCING. 0/5 Ry 8 SrrTine: Our. DANCES UF Oar aU Ro ea 95 Wuen Nor to Ask ror A DANCE...) 2-2". es INVITATIONS: TO SUPPER...) 26 eu bu) t/a oll! oe ea OCPPTEN TEEN hides ail eh) in aman ls Ae ea 96 SUBSCRIPTION DANCES .. . she, RESO AC oe Ne SUBSCRIPTION DANCES BY Ouane Co hg BG GES Patronesses Receive CHAPTER VII Goop MANNERS IN GAMES AND SPORTS , “Tap GAMES THE THING] oi) We a a ae Poor Practice In ANY GAME. (.)/s )s 4 5 e1. e) Meese nee Vili CONTENTS PMY CT IT A OP ARTNER So 2 eee al ie ve aU TOE EMERG OAT CARDS 8 gs ee ee er ie let te gin FOT oD eet ERS SIN SPECTATORS. 00 3 Stee Se tee PE MIEMME UAPORTS MEN ct) CU teil ie et ete ol 6) ei 108 CHAPTER VIII CARDS AND VISITS SEMEN ARTS ig) dn Li ge ds vg teh a eedOd STYLE or LETTERING . . . Ur ATE ECO SOONG EO PosITION AND NAME OF ie reeset WLAN aE Te WEA Cui: LUT OS RETR RIMIIGARNS Vola si ge ae IVI be US TO (DHE Sizesvor-Carps. 4. .. 106 The Lady’s Card—The Young ‘Girl's Card—The Genie) man’s Card Correct UsE oF NAMES AND TITLES. . . 106 The Lady’s Title—The Girl’s Title—The Gekdedaeta Title—The Boy’s Title—Special Titles—Errors to be Avoided ERE EINCRA IDS (ire Sut NS) ee is be ee TOS ADAPTABILITY OF CARDS. . . . ANIMA ATR ih X88 SpEcIAL CARDS AND WHEN To USE THEM. aan 2 y LOO Address Notification Cards—The P. P. C. Cara ERP SENDACCARDS op i a et TNE Carp LEAVING. . . OI TR DAR ALT A Carp Upon THE eee OF A Terie: Ae ai Sy nt ALA WaHen A VisitiInc CarpIs A VISITING CARD. 4°. 6) 4 (6 13 PRD S MIST BE TERT OO Maa ea a ere wer EIA Carp MESSAGES . . Aa Seats Serta TIT DG Correct NUMBER OF eee TO ev EH Mate teal sera aone ELO ba 1B a se 116 Opening the Bost toa "Visitor—The First Visit—The Lady of the House at Home—When the at it Calls err ameMAEE VON MUST SIMAKE Wi Lie To Pn MUR VVLAY VISIT BY PROXY. Woo ee ea Ee ge ix CONTENTS Dopatton of A’ Vistri CO er Oo POIse IN THE! DRAWING ‘Room eGo Gee OTHER INFORMATION ON, VISITS.) vehi ceih 4) ee eee CHAPTER IX Notes AND SHORTER LETTERS ORDERLINESS AND SIMPLICITY Tse Neat LETTER. Selection of Pascoe Stampiias Bene Staninn —The Telephone Number—The Envelope MourNING STATIONERY THE COMPOSITION OF A LETTER. The Date or Heading—The Salutation—The Connie mentary Close—The Signature—The Superscription Sequence of Pages THE SocrlAL Note. e ° e e °° e ° ° e . ° J e LETTERS | OF UHANES ooh Bh chee Wienke lime hg) te THANKS FOR WEDDING Dereuren SN hi a To Intimate Friends of the Crane ove tne Tue BreAD AND ButTeR LETTER THANKS ArE ALWAys WRITTEN. lr dig HE eri Tre Note. or APronogy <0 2 7% Ls ae ee REQUESTING A LETTER OF TivrRoboeron PEP GIVING oR WITHHOLDING INTRODUCTORY LETTERS. . . . THE Carp oF INTRODUCTION. LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION On Engagement — On Aljnaeeenen to Ofeeauen Success LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE . RAN Ar Ve : : To an Acquaintance—To a Friend—To a Not Rela- tive—When Death Brings Relief Nores, IN THE Tred PERSON (40 sho) oa ADDRESSING IMPORTANT PERSONAGES . . . -. © « - x PAGE I20 I21 I22 124 125 127 128 133 133 134 136 137 137 137 139 140 14I 143 146 147 CONTENTS CHAPTER X LoNnGER LETTERS PAGE Tonics FOR ANEMIC LETTERS. . . ISI Begin at the Renee en an Reolioy! is me quired—Letters Promptly Answered Are Easily An- swered—Stop at the Ending!—Topics to Avoid—The “T, I” Letter and the Void—The Pretentious Apologist —Personal Reflections NEVERS AND Dow’ TS FOR WoMEN LETTER WRITERS. . . . I57 NEVERS AND Don7t’s ror MEN LETTER WRITERS . . . . 158 BeetteRe OR VORM: TO BE AVOIDED.) Oo a ON 88 CHAPTER XI Goop MANNERS IN TRAVELING MC EOMM AN Gls bss set OO Boarding a Railroad Penn (On Board ihe ean. Windows and Window Seats—Odors—Children—The Young Woman Alone—Lady Travelers and Escorts— How to Register in a Hotel—Ladies Alone in Hotels— On Tipping—The Motor Tour RICE SOP RAVEE NT hice Uh eo ieee ge ey ee IN TOF Seeing Friends Off—Gifts to Travelers—Notes of Thanks for Travel Gifts—Good Manners in the Salon —Good Manners on Deck—The Ship’s Concert and Sunday Service—Steamer Tips Goop MANNERS ABROAD... . Aad Ueriah ee babel are a Good Manners in European Soetety = Mannees on a Continental Train CHAPTER XII CorrEcT INTRODUCTIONS ee PEOEAN STOR MUATIY Voie ey ie Clee hat we hie lates SIRE A Lapy To A GENTLEMAN. . . ay oh Wa ag Wy a To a President—To a Carinae a cae ves Xi CONTENTS PAGE A’ Titcep Person’ To A, LADY sive Aa. 9,0 A LADY. to A LADY Say i ie ai at AUMAN 'TO A MAN ie ORO oe Oe a A. Girt To A DISTINGUISHED MAN... > S002 oe THE PREVAILING FORM oF INTRODUCTION. . . . . . . I79 OTHER “FoRMs ey ea nel Re en ena Wuat To SAY WHEN INTRODUCED: “'.°9°. 0 4) 0 a WHEN: TO' SHAKE HANDS 20000 [0 OE INTRODUCING ONE PERSON TO A GROUP . ..... . 182 WHEN TO ‘INTRODUCE! foe ei Meetinc tHe Guest or Honor... 5.09 0 {NTRODUCTIONS AT A \DINNER) 5) 20 45°). 9) 0) OTHER REQUIRED INTRODUCTIONS 5.) 74./i0 (flee WHEN INTRODUCTIONS ARE UNNECESSARY . .. .. . 186 SELF-MaAbe : INTRODUCTIONS | .'°03)\ ee OR) INcoRRECT Forms OF INTRODUCTION. 9. >. 0. 6 . > ASKING PERMISSION TO INTRODUCE A FRIEND. . . . . . I89 INTRODUCTION BY LETTER) 270), 0s ecw. sr BusIness INTRODUCTIONS | 20000 0 TAKING LEAVE AFTER AN INTRODUCTION. . . . -. «. - 190 CHAPTER XIII GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS INFORMAL: GREETINGS (0000) 8 5 iN OS Fors! 0r) FAREWELL 0000/10) 6) ys eet ee SHAKING HANDS!) 00/0000) eR tek Character Displayed in the Handshake THe ForMAL' Bow.) 0) 0/660 tis gl pa at THE, Bow .UNFORMAL. |e) je ei eit ona we aes Ge a THE Bow oF A. WoMAN. 9.6 00°02 00 A’ GENTLEMAN 'Removes His Har. .0)°.00.0 9) J) a A GentremMan ‘Lirts) His) Hat. go. 0 Xi CONTENTS Pee oT CoURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE CHAPTER I CouRTSHIP PAGE eT ANCE. OF (CSTFTS. oe lialide Rae ence, 4208 REE TIS DT Oe Sn AF ao SNARE ad LN PRS A." MEE POT We Sl Miya hk URN if ae gt thes et ete ie tliih OR Asking Father WHEN FATHER APPROVES . . SS ae RO His Parents Call—The py saeacas Ring POnENeL ae ANNOUNCEMENT. oop ba cjeilises (ecco bee be 8 208 THe ANNOUNCEMENT .. CORAL ted h WOW ANCE ae 96 ANSWER THE ANNOUNCEMENT Noe Seah gst Mey CUS SEN ae ANSWER THE NoTEs oF CONGRATULATION! . . . . . . 208 oe OUNCEMENT). DINNER. 0 Ge eee te a 208 nN NOUNCEMENT DAY PARTY.) o.oo E209 SRS PTC NET iy) ee yh as the i a oN a at Parties GIVEN FOR THE COUPLE. . . AUS NeCRN PLR S cea EDEN 9 Grers Waicu A Brine-To-Be May -Accept.) . .. . < (.. 210 PrerFectT ACTIONS OF THE ENGAGED COUPLE. . ..:. . 2IlI DoEs THE CoupLE REQUIRE A CHAPERON?. . . . . . 212 Se PMN GAGE MENTS Soe oe eg feu be we BIZ PPMECe TIVES (MEET THE (PARENTS) (20) .55 08) eel) 233 eI EN LUNGAGEMENT) (08 6005008.) PN mela ei iad se nw i QTA CHAPTER II WEDDING PREPARATIONS PP TERATI st ah wl ee i Se eT ete hatie sa ceet a2) Cat REAR ES THE MotTHers ARRANGE THE tiers yee Se OME Hee LONE NA Mil eK INVITATIONS c.g URINE Av : 216 A Wedding eee wWhkn the Bride Has No Can nections —Invitation to Home Wedding — Wedding Xill CONTENTS PAGE Reception Invitation — Wedding Announcement — A Combination Invitation—Informal Written Invitations —Invitations to Reception Only—Invitations to a Sec- ond Marriage—Cards of Address TRE WEDDING HOUR 6.) )(053) sts shea tls ce THE EVENING WEDDING 2.) 5 604050500 1S eee ee THE SMALL. House WEDDING (ii). 05. 29 0 THE | ELABORATE? WEDDING (606 8 OO Cy THE Poor Girt’s WEDDING. . . 3 eC at en Tue Groom Must Nort GIvE THE Winnie: SRS ee THE: TROUSSEAU 00 000) feu ee THE BRIDESMAIDS. . . 225 What the Bridesmaids Wear—The Bridesmaid Who Is in Mourning — Who Pays the Bridesmaids’ Expenses? Tre Bripecroom’s. “TROUSSEAU”. 2 '2.7" 3). > THE Bripecroom’s WEDDING CLOTHES. 93° 2° NC SR ee Tue Best Man. . . 2 Ea 4 2 What the Best Man Weare Tue UsHERS . . Me What the Ushers ‘Wear urhe! Head ete Tur BripesMAmS LUNCHEON i005. 3000 GAR) ee GIFTS TO THE BRIDESMAIDS. (40°05 4) 10 cies ce THE, BAcHEtoR: DINNER) (00) sae ae Gtrts TO THE USHERS. . . EASTING | St Ita St a DINNER FOR BRIDESMAIDS AND Uses! 5 GS ea gale ae THE REHEARSAL . .. 232 Drilling the Pepceeonke the ‘Chancel ienveaeee of the Bridegroom—The Organist’s Cue THE BRIDEGROOM’s OBLIGATIONS. . . 237 The Wedding Ring—The Wedding Tein Tnaneneat Expenses THE WEpDDING PRESENTS. . . 239 What the Bridegroom Gives the Bride—The Gift Book —Displaying the Presents—When the Presents May be Shown—The Matter of Initialsk—The Delayed Present —Exchanging Presents XIV CONTENTS CHAPTER III THE WeEppING Day PREPARATIONS AT THE Bripe’s Home. Duties OF THE Best Man. THE Bripe’s WEDDING ATTIRE. PROCESSION TO THE CHURCH. AT THE CHURCH The Ushers Prepare—The Seating—Ushering THE WELL MANAGED WEDDING. Arrival of the Bridegroom—Arrival of the Bride—What the Bride and Groom Do—The Father Gives the Bride Away—The Marriage Ceremony—The Recessional— After the Recessional—Ushering Out the Guests AT THE BripALt House Receiving the Guests—What to Say to the Bride and Groom—What the Bride and Groom Say—Introduction Of and By Bride and Groom—General Rules for Con- versation With the Bride and Groom—What the Parents of the Groom Do-—The Father of the Bride Tue Sit-Down BREAKFAST. Detail of Arrangement—The Bride’s Table—The Table of the Bride’s Parents—The Service—The Menu THE STANDING BREAKFAST OR RECEPTION THE Bripat Party Eats. Tue Bript Cuts THE CAKE. WEDDING CAKE FOR THE GUESTS THE ENTERTAINMENT Tue Goop-Bpy To PARENTS THe Gorinc-Away CLOTHES. THe House WEDDING. . THE WEDDING IN A PUBLIC OMe THE SECOND MARRIAGE . XV 254 258 CONTENTS PART iI CHRISTENINGS AND FUNERALS CHAPTER I CHRISTENINGS THE GopPARENTS TIME AND PLACE rade hat eee de Pan ae a a THe Caurch | CARIsTENING) 0) 0 tories THE House CHRISTENING . THE CHRISTENING “TEA”. INVITATIONS TO CHRISTENINGS. CHRISTENING Dress . . The Child—The hereteiatie et Cael CHAPTER I FUNERALS IMMEDIATE DETAILS Sia THE CARE OF THE BEREAVED. . . ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FUNERAL. MATTERS TO BE DISPENSED BY THE FRIEND. Notice to Friends and Relatives—Notice i Newahawens —Attendance at the Door—The Bell Hanging—Honor- ary Pallbearers—The Friend May Check Expenditures Te MOURNING (U0 Sonar yes Gon os is Mourning Clothes Otp Custom SIMPLIFIED . . THE CHURCH FUNERAL . Arranging and Recording the Flowers! he Gah gation Comes In—The Processional—At the Chancel— The Recessional—Those Who Attend the Burial Tue House FUNERAL. . . . Sie Che re aa Arrangement—The Shieh Muar TRANSFORMING THE HOUSE. 6 bia Sa he XVI PAGE 271 272 273 274 274 275 275 278 278 279 280 283 284 284 287 289 CONTENTS TT SO LOTTT ES i iN hh ea Ra Consideration for Those in Mourning—Mourning Ma- terials—Second Mourning—Mourning Wear for the Widow—The Veil—The Young Widow—The Mother in Mourning—The Daughter or Sister in Mourning— Mourning Wear in the Country—A Word on Propriety WigueMinc VVWEAR FOR MEN. vo. Ge ere eG Bi MON Reh, Duration of Mourning Period for Men MERROW LEDOMENT OF SYMPATHY. 4). 0s (ee ee 208 OBLIGATIONS TO OTHERS IN CASE oF DEATH. . .. . . 207 PART IV FoRMAL PROCEDURE CHAPTER I THE FormMAL DINNER THINGS TO BE REMEMBERED IN DINNER-GIVING. . . . . °302 CHAPTER II ForMAL INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS INVITATION TO A ForMAL BALL- . . ... NOUNS Maerua F INVITATION TO A BALL For A DéBUTANTE DAUGHTER. . . 306 ASKING FOR AN INVITATION FORA FRIEND. . . . . . . 307 mem MASENERAL. INVITATION, (0 eo 6) re 2 308 INVITATIONS TO TEAS AND REcEPTIONS. . . . . . . 308 HEI ORMAL WRITTEN INVITATION, 2006 6008 ee 300 Se UMEEE MOAN NINVITATION 40 80 egies olay) see ere ee ARS 309 DIA TMCCEDTANCE OR: REGREB heal cs ee OE) 8t0 PVT AtOnS IN. THE SECOND, PERSON( 6. a) eo ke 310" Be PRTOGARD INVITATIONS. cei \iis cies. Ss, wh te tw el re BIO Syrpations To A CouNTRY House. 3.0). oh 6 eo gto MePONVEDATION BY LELEPHONE. 0!) dof ie! jet oh ee wel QTO XVIii CONTENTS CHAPTER: lit TEAS AND AFTERNOON PARTIES PAGE Tue Arrernoon TEA AND DANCE.) . (.4\) 220 ogee The Menu and Service AFTERNOON TEAS WitHoUT DANCING. . . . 4. » 4. «= 312 The Service “Do. COME. IN, For A’ Cup or ‘TEA’. (20077 THE: Everyvpay TEA’ TABIE. (6.0060) 3) sn No THE) TEA Ment ne a eS eS THE EverypAy TEA Senvice. we ae a ROLE A Sn rr THE GARDEN PARTY) 000) ne Te Personar ELement. oss el CHAPTER IV LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS (PELE \UNVITATIONS (Ave nina Sh ah ge a (tee To a Luncheon—To a Stand- Up fundies or Breen? THe Formar! Lunceion, (OU ee aan) at, The Bread and Butter Plate THe LoncHEON (SERVICE. 6.9000 2a l'Tae LuncHeon Mem) .)/6/))(0) 0 ae ee Ve Luncheon Beverages ETIQUETTE AT: LUNCHEONS (6/0) 40 dU) el oD nn The Time to Leave THe SraNnp-Up) LUNCHEON). 55. hea fies Sel) ee SUPPERS (5) fy i's woh Get ic tai today) eae tid The Supper Table CHAPTER V BALLS AND DANCES PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL IN ASSEMBLY RooMsS. . . 320 PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL OR DANCE IN A PRIVATE dian: 330 XVili CONTENTS THE INVITATIONS . The Borrowed Paces an Theietion. for Another Person—The Invitations to Strangers SUPPER . A DANCE BALLROOM ETrQuette ‘ Tue Hostess aT A BALL. GRACE IN THE BALLROOM. MASQUERADE VOUCHERS . BALLROOM CUSTOMS Ushers—The Dance Piece The Flock ispatanns What to Say After Dancing—Other Information CHAPTER VI THE DEBUTANTE THE BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE. What to Say to the erties Honea for RA Débu- tante—A Word on Receiving—The Débutante at Supper Tue DEBUTANTE’S DRESS. Worps To THE WISE THES aneee CHAPTER: VII THE CHAPERON PemreesmrarT) CIAPERON foe) go ovine. ee earl ee ee hoe Tererernrme THe CHAPERON, 200 SS OS REAGAN VENTIONS ee) caliente eg PART V DRESS CHAPTER I Dress or A LADY Morninc WEDDING : The Bride—The Fedele carcats _ ArterNoon WEDDING. . Bt) ihe wah ive! whale The Bride—The Boviesen Cheats XIX PAGE 331 333 333 334 334 336 337 337 341 344 344 346 347 349 353 353 CONTENTS EVENING WEDDING. PEN rina mmamtenar For the past twenty-five years formal dinners have not usually exceeded eight courses. Three, or four courses at most, is the extent of the menu of even the very rich when alone. 42 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The menu for an informal dinner leaves out the entrée, and possibly the hors-d’ceuvre or the soup. It may be constituted as follows: 1. Soup Or: 1. Hors-d’ceuvre 2. Fish 2. Fish 3. Roast 3. Roast 4. Salad 4. Salad 5. Dessert 5. Dessert 6. Coffee 6. Coffee THE BALANCED MENU Mrs. Albright’s menu is very well balanced. She is offering this: . Hors-d’ceuvre. . Purée of tomato soup. . Fried smelts. . Sweetbread croquettes. . Broiled squab, mashed potato, and string beans. . Lettuce salad with crackers. . Ice cream. . Coffee. COny HUN BW YH Such a menu provides ample variety for the small din- ner and has sufficient nutritive value to appease the appe- tite of the average man. There is nothing objectionable about any of the dishes, all are those most likely to be acceptable to most tastes. Nor is the dinner of one flavor- less tone. There is not a succession of similar flavors nor a oneness of sauces. 43 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS CORRECT SERVICE OF DINNER THE ORDER OF SERVICE All in readiness, Mrs. Albright nods to Jane, who pro- ceeds to serve the soup. The first thing to be passed is the olives, which Mrs. Albright has in readiness on her table-service wagon. Jane passes these to each guest, and each one lays a few on the plate. They are taken up in the fingers. Next the soup is served. Jane is adept in the art of carrying dishes and hence has no difficulty in safely carrying two plates of soup at a time. Whether one or two dishes may be carried at a time depends upon the ability of the servant. The lady of honor is first to be served and the lady to the left of the host is next. The service then continues around to the left to the gen- tlemen and ladies as they come, skipping the lady of honor at the end and serving the host last. Jane persists in following this precedent. Very often the service continues around to the right after the lady of honor has been served, but this causes the lady second in precedence to be served last. Another way to serve a table of eight is to begin with the lady of honor and proceed down to the end of her side of the table and then start with the lady second in precedence, and proceed down her side of the table, serving the host last. This is also a very acceptable method. At a well-ordered dinner of ten or twelve no hot dish should be presented to more than six, or nine at the most. Ata dinner of twelve, for example, two dishes of six por- tions each, garnished exactly alike, are presented at oppo- site ends of the table, one to the lady on the right of the 44 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS host, the other to the lady at the opposite end, and the services continue around to the right. Occasionally, as described above, one service starts with the lady of honor, and another opposite her with the lady second in precedence, skipping also the gentleman on the left of the second lady, coming back to this gentleman just be- fore the host. This is perhaps not so convenient a method, for both services going down the table in the same direction meet and crowd both table and diners at the foot, when there are not sufficient servants to immedi- ately remove the dishes. This method of service also leaves another gentleman, as well as the host, sitting be- tween two ladies who are eating, while he is apparently forgotten, but it accomplishes the purpose of not serving the lady who is second in precedence last. A very fair way is to vary the “honor” by serving the entrée and salad courses to the lady on the left first instead of to the lady on the right, continuing the service of these two courses. around to the left. | A dinner of eighteen has sometimes two services, but if very perfect, three. When there are three services they start with the lady of honor and the sixth from her on either side and continue to the right. THE EVER-PRESENT PLATE Correct procedure requires a plate always present at every cover from the setting until the table is cleared for dessert. The plate on which the oysters or hors-d’ceuvre are served is put on top of the place plate. The course over, only the used plate is removed, the place plate re- maining for the soup plate to be placed upon. Soup plate and place plate are removed together, but are immedi- G. Man.—C 45 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ately replaced by a hot dinner plate for the service of hot fish. THE EXCHANGE PLATE If the first course at Mrs. Albright’s little dinner were to be a canapé or any cold dish offered in bulk to be followed by soup, instead of being brought in on sepa- rate plates it would have been eaten from the place plate. This would require an exchange plate before the soup could be served. A clean plate would have to be ex- changed for the used one and the soup plate would then be put on top of that. A plate with food on it can never be exchanged for a plate that has had food on it; a clean one must come between. If an entrée served on individual plates follows the fish, clean plates are first exchanged for the used ones. When the whole table is set with clean plates the entrée is put at each place in exchange for the clean plate. MANNER OF PRESENTING AND REMOVING DISHES AND UTENSILS Dishes are always presented at the left of the person served, plates are removed and replaced at the right. Glasses are poured and additional knives placed at the right, while forks are put on as needed from the left. Never must anything be passed in front of anyone, nor may the person placing a fork, for instance, stand at the right of the person seated and reach across to place the fork at the person’s left. It is permissible, however, to stand between the chairs of two people and give a fork to the person on the right and then face the person on the left to place a knife. ) 46 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS DINNER ROLLS OR BREAD As soon as soup is served, the table attendant passes a dish or a basket of dinner rolls. Bread, if rolls are not obtainable, is cut in about two-inch thick slices and cut crossways again in three. A guest helps himself with his fingers and lays the roll or bread on the tablecloth— always. BUTTER No bread plates are ever on a table where there is no butter, and butter should never be served at a dinner. When there is no bread left at anyone’s place more should be passed. THE TABLE-SERVICE WAGON You may ask how one maid is to manage all this. She cannot. That is, if everything is to run smoothly and if the dinner is not to last too long. Mrs. Albright manages very well. She has a table- service wagon, which stands at her right (with a table of eight on the left), and may be wheeled in and out as she finds it necessary, though Mrs. Albright manages an informal dinner without having to move it. In the drawer are one or two extra napkins and extra silver for each course to provide for accident or emergency. The coffee service is placed on top of the service wagon, with dishes for the several courses arranged on the shelves of the wagon from top to bottom in the order of require- ment. Mrs. Albright usually finds space for a few little things more, such as bread or rolls, but she makes it a practice not to overload the wagon. It is more useful 47 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS when things are more easily found and reached. Thus it is that things can be made to run well. Mrs. Albright usually passes the rolls just so soon as the soup is served. Then, too, she is always ready to coach Jane with a quiet word as to the dishes next required. THE SERVING TABLE Thus, with the aid of the table-service wagon and the serving table, Mrs. Albright’s dinners are successfully maneuvered. The serving table is generally an ordinary table placed in the corner of the dining room near the door to the pantry, and behind a screen so as not to be visible to the guests at table. But as Mrs. Albright’s din- ing room is not so very large, she has made use of a dis- carded set of shelves which has been nicely painted white. This furnishes a halfway station between the dining room and pantry. It holds an extra supply of dishes and knives and forks. Jane always keeps the two upper shelves clear for placing the dishes to be served next in readiness and also for keeping in readiness for second helping dishes already served. Ata formal dinner second helpings are never served. PRESENTING DISHES Flat upon the palm of the servant’s hand—such is the manner of presenting every dish. It is necessary to fold a napkin to be used as a pad under hot dishes. An espe- cially heavy meat platter may be steadied by holding the edge. A napkin to prevent burning may also be employed when doing so. Each dish is accompanied by the implements required for helping it. A serving spoon (somewhat larger than 48 ~ THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS an ordinary tablespoon) is put on all dishes, and a fork of large size is added for fish, meat, salad, and vegetables or other dishes that are hard to help. String beans, braised celery, spinach en branche, and foods of like nature require a fork and spoon. Asparagus has numer- ous special lifters and tongs. Most people, however, use the ordinary spoon and fork. The spoon is placed under- neath and the fork is used, prongs down, to hold the stalks on the spoon while being removed. Corn on the cob is taken with the fingers, but is never served at a dinner party. Peas, mashed potatoes, rice, and other soft foods are offered with a spoon only. FILLING GLASSES As soon as the first course has been served Jane goes to Mrs. Albricht’s little service wagon to get the water. She proceeds from guest to guest on the right side, ask- ing, “Apollinaris or plain water?” and fills the goblet ac- cordingly. In the same way she later serves whatever happens to be available, be it cider, grapefruit cups, or wine. A guest must never permit wine to be served and then not drink it. GLASSES AND THEIR CONTENTS A word here as to the glasses and what they may con- tain. The formal decree has not yet been issued as to whether or not people will offer frappéd cider or some other iced drink in the middle of dinner, and a warm drink of something else to take the place of claret with the fish. A water glass standing alone at each place makes a poor showing. Most people put on at least two 49 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS “wine glasses, sherry and champagne, or claret and sherry, and pour something pinkish or yellowish into them. Those who still have cellars and those who arrange to have some wine made in their own homes, serve wine just as they used to; white wine, claret, sherry, and Burgundy warm, champagne ice cold. Green mint poured over crushed ice in little glasses is served after dinner. This and other liqueurs are poured at room temperature. Whisky is always poured at the table over ice in a tall tumbler, each gentleman signifying “when” by putting the hand out. Apollinaris or soda is then added to fill the glass. CLEARING TABLE FOR DESSERT At every dinner of any description, whether one mem- ber of the family is alone or if a group of friends are present, the plates of whatever course precedes the des- sert are all removed, leaving the table plateless. Salt cellars and pepper pots are taken off on the bare serving tray. Crumbs are brushed off each place with a folded napkin onto a tray held under the edge of the table. There is no objection to the use of a crumber when the tablecloth is perfectly plain and over a mat, but when the tablecloth is embroidered, or of lace, the napkin has been found to be of better service, and when the cloth is over the bare board consideration for the table augurs well for the use of the napkin. DESSERTS There have been discrepancies as to just what consti- tutes dessert. Broadly speaking, dessert means anything 50 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS sweet that comes at the end of a meal. Good usage of good society regards the “sweets” at the end of the dinner, which include ice cream and cake, as “dessert.” Pie, which vies with ice cream for supremacy as the great American dessert, is not a “company” dish. Ice cream is the customary dessert at a formal dinner. Usually it is served in one mold. DESSERT SERVICE Coming at the end of the dinner, the dessert service should not be hurried or slighted in any respect. It should be regarded as the finishing touch and just so im- portant to the impression of satisfaction on the part of the guests as any of the preceding courses. There are two equally accepted and equally used meth- ods of serving dessert. The first is quite properly known as the “hotel method,” though it is seen in many fashion- able private houses. In the use of this method a china plate for ice cream or a first course is put on alone and the finger bowl on a plate by itself is put on afterward. In the second, or “private house” service, the entire des- sert paraphernalia is put on at once. In the two-course, or hotel service, if the dessert plate is of china, it is placed right on the tablecloth, but if of glass it has a china dish under it. A china dessert plate is a fairly deep and medium-sized plate and it always has a dessert spoon and fork on it. After the dessert has been eaten, a fruit plate with a finger bowl on it is put on in exchange for the dessert dish. A doily is placed under the finger bowl and a fruit knife and fork go on either side. 51 Y, OF ILL. Lig, THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS In the single course, or private house, service, the fruit plate goes at the bottom, over this the ice-cream plate, and on top of it the finger bowl. A doily is placed under the finger bowl. The ice-cream plate and the finger bowl are both of glass. The dessert spoon and fork go on either side of the finger bowl, instead of the fruit knife and fork. When finger bowls and dessert dishes match, the service is prettier than otherwise, and their use in the single-course service eliminates a change (not a removal) of plates. The guest merely lifts the finger bowl and doily off and eats his ice cream from the glass plate. The glass ice cream dish is then removed, leaving the china fruit dish. If by chance a guest lifts off the dish with the finger bowl and eats his dessert from the fruit dish, it is merely necessary for a servant or hostess to see that the china plate is replaced by a clean one. FRUIT AND SWEETS Fruit is passed immediately after the dessert has been eaten. Anyone taking fruit must have a fruit knife and fork brought to him at once. Chocolates, conserves, or whatever the decorative sweets may be, are passed last. THE FINGER BOWL No matter where used, the finger bowl is always less than half filled with cold water. Very often at dinner parties a few violets, sweet peas, or a gardenia may be put init. A slice of lemon to remove grease is never seen 52 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS outside of chop houses where eating with the fingers is permissible. As stated above, the bow] should preferably match the other dessert dishes, but it may be of another design or material. USE OF THE FINGER BOWL When the guest has eaten his fruit, or his dessert, and signifies no wish for fruit, his dessert or fruit dish is removed and the finger bowl is placed before him. He places the tips of the fingers into the bowl and wets them slightly, perhaps rubbing the fingers together once or twice. The moistened fingers of the right hand may then be raised to the lips to moisten the mouth just a bit. Fingers and lips are then touched slightly (matted rather than wiped) with the napkin to remove excess moisture. FINGER BOWL DOILIES The finger bow! doily is about five or six inches in diameter, if round, and the same number of inches in width and breadth if square. It should be of the finest needlework that can be found or afforded. It must ai- ways be cream or white for a dinner. CARVING ON THE TABLE Carving is seldom seen at home dinner tables. Some men always like to carve and such do. But it is far better to have the carving done in the kitchen while the roast is still hot and in the pan close to the range so that nothing can be cooled in the carving. The pieces should be carefully put together again, and transferred to an intensely hot platter. Two purposes are served by this method: quicker and easier service and hotter food. spo THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS HOST AND HOSTESS Both the host and hostess at a little informal dinner must be ever alert. It is their duty to see that conversa- tion does not lag. They must keep a watchful eye upon the guests and regulate the speed with which they them- selves eat by the speed of the slowest eater among the guests. It is rather disconcerting to the guests when the host and hostess hastily dispose of the courses and put their knives and forks together long before the more de- liberate can have quietly and comfortably enjoyed their helpings. | When a clergyman comprises one at a dinner party, it is considered a compliment and reverence to his cloth for the host or hostess to ask that he pronounce a bless- ing on the meal. In further reverence the host and hos- tess may stand by their chairs with bowed heads as the simple office is performed. The hostess must show each of her guests equal and impartial attention. Although engaged in conversation, she must nevertheless notice anything amiss that may occur. WHEN ACCIDENTS OCCUR No matter what happens, she must not become dis- concerted, but must attempt to cover the incident and yet not appear to be covering it. Hasty exclamations and instructions only accentuate the awkwardness of the situ- ation. If an unpresentable dish is brought in, she very quietly orders that it be replaced by a better. If a guest knocks over and breaks a glass, she must do her utmost 54 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS to place the guest at his ease, assuring him that the glass is of no consequence (be it ever so expensive), but that his comfort is the only consideration. She may say, “I am so sorry, but I will have it fixed at once!” She has a fresh glass brought in and dismisses all thought of the matter. If by chance the new glass does not match, it is not necessary to draw this to everyone’s attention—noth- ing should be said. When the guest offers apologies, the hostess must reassure him by saying, “Please do not feel so distressed. No real harm has been done, I am sure.” If injury is done to the guest’s belongings, very earnest and prompt apologies should come from both host and hostess. When a woman’s gown is injured to the point where it fequires assistance to be rendered in the dress- ing room, the hostess must order the maid to serve the lady. If this leaves her without a servant at table, she must jump into the breach herself, by first attempting to prolong the particular course in progress until the maid can return, ot if necessary serving the next course her- self. Upon return of the lady whose gown was injured, vety hearty apologies should be offered: “I am so very, very sorry, Mrs. A. I trust your gown has not been seriously damaged.” Or: “This is too bad; I can scarcely say how grieved I am.” Meanwhile the host must come forward to the unfor- tunate one’s side and echo his wife’s regrets. When the lady repairs to her seat again he must hold her chair and when she is seated he must seat his wife. Should the victim of an accident be a masculine guest, the heads of the table may express the same degree of regret as for a woman, but unless the guest has been actually injured, the host does not accompany him to the aye) THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS dressing room, unless, of course, there is no one else to do so. WHEN A GUEST LEAVES THE TABLE With the rising of a woman guest to leave the table for any reason whatever the host rises and when she returns he rises. The hostess may rise in special cases, as described above, and under other special conditions. The host alone rises when a masculine guest leaves and returns to the table. If a guest is called from dinner by news of an ex- traordinary nature, it is deemed very courteous on the part of the host to accompany a woman to the very door of her carriage. A doctor called to a patient may leave without more ceremony than the exchange of regrets be- tween the departing one and the hostess. A guest called to the telephone may rise and leave without any special ceremony. A woman guest obliged to leave to keep an- other appointment elsewhere should find the host rising to take leave of her at the dining-room door, while the hostess would not feel it necessary to rise from her chair. GOOD MANNERS AT TABLE It is considered impolite to refuse dishes at the table, because refusal seems to imply a dislike for what is of- fered. Everyone should therefore take at least a little of each offering, since to refuse cannot but distress the hostess. If you are “dieting” and have accepted the in- vitation with the stipulation that you be not expected to eat heartily, your not doing so is excusable; but even then, to make your table companion with a good appetite feel 56 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS at ease, you should not sit throughout a meal with an empty plate before you. Elbows may only be rested on the table in conversation across the table, never while eating. FORK, SPOON, FINGERS FORK FOODS All cooked vegetables (including peas, corn, carrots and such) and some uncooked vegetables such as cucum- bers, tomatoes, lettuce and other leaf salads, as well as potato chips and straws, are taken up with the fork. Pies, cream cakes and iced cakes and other sticky or soft pastries and desserts are fork foods. Fruits are cus- tomarily served accompanied by a fruit knife and fork. Oranges are speared with the fork, and the inner and outer skins peeled by making deep cuts with the knife. Portions are sliced and freed of seeds and conveyed to the mouth. Pineapple as well as ginger in syrup is a fork and knife or spoon food; when a food does not cut easily with the edge of the fork, the knife is used. Soft cheeses such as Camembert, Brie, Roquefort, etc., are eaten with a fork. Small portions may be transferred with the knife to small pieces of bread and eaten so, each piece being “prepared” at a time. Boiled rice and hominy, unless eaten with cream and sugar, are fork foods. Fresh figs are cut with the fruit knife and taken up _ with the fork. Salads, cress, or romaine should not be chopped up, or cut at all, with a knife. The leaves should be severed with the edge of the fork and dexterously turned over into mouthfuls. Tomatoes, cucumbers and beets are cut 57 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS also with the edge of the fork. In fact, the knife is used for cutting only those foods which it is impossible con- veniently to cut with the fork. SPOON FOODS Liquid desserts, berries, creams, ices, soft stewed fruits, and all soft or mushy foods of like nature are taken up with a spoon. The pits from prunes and cherries are severed from the fruit with the aid of the spoon, the fruit is then conveyed to the mouth with the spoon. The entire fruit must not be taken into the mouth and the pit later ejected onto a spoon. Soft or hard boiled eggs may not be emptied into a receptacle and mushed. The egg is placed in an egg cup and the top is cut off. A small egg spoon is used to scoop out the contents of the shell. All drinks and cup bouillon are only to be stirred and tasted with the spoon; they must not be “eaten” with the spoon. Soups are, of course, spoon foods. The soup plate must not be tipped to scrape the last drop; but if it is tipped, it should be tipped away from and not toward the body. A LIST OF FINGER FOODS AND SOME GENERAL ADVICE Celery, radishes, nuts, raisins, bonbons, small individ- ual cakes, sliced cake, and the majority of raw fruits are finger foods. Unstemmed strawberries are dipped into sugar and lifted to the mouth. Peaches, apples, pears and large plums are not peeled or bitten into. They are cut into quarters, peeled and mouthfuls cut and taken up in the fingers. 58 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Grapes, gooseberries, currants, cherries, small plums, dates, raisins, olives and radishes are also taken up in the fingers. The pits must be inconspicuously ejected into the left hand and placed quietly on the plate, that is, the pits must not be dropped so that they cause a patter or rattle on the plate. Dried figs are purely a finger food. Bananas are stripped of their skins and mouthfuls are cut as required; these are lifted to the mouth in the fingers. Artichokes, asparagus and corn on the cob are finger foods. Asparagus is held in the fingers by the woody end and the tips dipped into the sauce. Artichoke leaves are taken in the fingers and dipped one or two at a time into the sauce and then taken into the mouth. Meat, bird and chicken bones may not be taken up in the fingers. The meat that cannot be separated from the bones must be sacrificed. Lobster claws may be pulled apart with the fingers. The meat is taken up with a fork. Shrimps in the shell should be separated with the fingers. The fingers may be used as above described, but not to replace sugar tongs or salt cellars. One may not take the liberty of picking block sugar out of a bowl with the fingers when tongs are missing. A clean spoon should be employed for this purpose. LEAVING THE TABLE Mrs. Albright’s dinner ran rather smoothly throughout. Conversation was pleasant and spontaneous, the dishes were pleasing and with the exception of a few minor oY THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS _ offenses, which do not even bear further mention, the dinner has come to a rather successful conclusion. Con- sidering that Jane managed the entire dinner—thanks, of course, to Mrs. Albright’s early supervision and the tact- ful arrangement of the load carried by the table-service wagon—the time consumed is well within the fashionable requirement. The guests have been seated just thirty-five minutes! The last dish of chocolates has been passed. No one is any longer eating. Mrs. Albright looks across at Miss Banton, the lady of honor, and, catching her eye, slowly stands up. Miss Banton takes the cue and also stands, and in a moment everybody is standing. The ladies leave ~ alone for the living room. If there is a smoking room, ’ each gentleman offers his partner his arm on rising from the dinner table and conducts her back to the drawing room or library or wherever they are to go. Each gen- tleman bows slightly in taking leave of his partner, to adjourn with the other gentlemen to the smoking room. Where there is no smoking room the procedure followed at Mrs. Albright’s is good form. At a formal dinner it is not necessary to put one’s chair back into place; one may simply rise and leave the chair where it stands. At a small informal dinner it is an act of kindness to unostentatiously put the chair back into place. COFFEE, LIQUEURS, CIGARS, CIGARET iis: AND CONVERSATION Black coffee is never served at a fashionable dinner table. It is brought afterward into the drawing room 60 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS for the ladies and into the smoking room for the gentle- men. Cigarettes and liqueurs accompany the ladies’ cof- fee, and cigars, cigarettes, and liqueurs go with the coffee for the gentlemen. There is no smoking room at the Albright’s home. Cof- fee and cigars are therefore brought to the table for the gentlemen after the ladies have gone into the drawing or living room. The gentlemen sit around the table wherever and with whomever they please. It is perfectly correct for a gen- tleman to talk to any other who happens to be sitting near by, whether they are acquainted or not. The host occasionally starts the conversation, if there is a general tendency to quietness, by drawing one or the other of the gentlemen into the discussion of a topic of general inter- est. Recourse to such procedure is very seldom necessary when the guests have been wisely selected. At the end of about twenty minutes, when there is a momentary luli in the conversation the host may suggest, “Shall we join the ladies ?” In the sitting room or drawing room, meanwhile, the ladies are having coffee, liqueurs, and cigarettes passed to them. No modern hostess in New York, scarcely even an old-fashioned one, does not have cigarettes passed to the ladies after dinner. Mrs. Albright and her three woman guests form a very congenial group. At small dinners, that is to say of ten and twelve, the five or six ladies are very apt to form one group. At very large dinners they quite naturally fall into groups of four or five, with perhaps here and there a pair. The hostess always sees to it that none of her guests are ever alone, and if there is one of the num- 61 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ber who is not well acquainted the hostess may draw a chair up to one of the groups and invite the single guest to sit beside her, meanwhile drawing her artfully into the conversation. In any event the hostess must spend some time with each group of guests. An example of the hostess guiding a newly made ac- quaintance into the midst of a conversation is offered at Mrs. Albright’s little after-dinner group. She introduces into the conversation an incident which she recently witnessed in the slums of New York, knowing very well that the account would interest Miss Banton, whose pur- pose in coming to New York is to study sociological con- ditions. This is a typical means of performing the object desired and the alert hostess will always adopt some such method of encouraging the newcomer to join in the con- versation. WHEN THE GENTLEMEN RETURN FROM THE SMOKING ROOM In the midst of the ladies’ conversation the gentlemen, having completed their cigars, come back into the living room. As they enter, their own conversation ceases and they pause a moment at the ladies’ group, thus permitting the ladies to continue their discussion to such a point where the men may either enter the conversation or sepa- rate into smaller groups or couples. It is a steadfast — decree of etiquette that the gentlemen should not con- tinue to talk together after leaving the smoking room, as it is not courteous to those of the ladies who are neces- sarily left without partners. | If there is a particular lady to whom one of the men 62 - THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS wants to talk, he naturally and very properly goes di- rectly to where she is and sits down beside her. If she happens to be flanked on both sides by two other ladies, he may ask her to join him elsewhere. He must not look too eager or seem too directly to prefer the one lady to the other two, so he may say rather casually, “Will you come and talk with me?’, whereupon she leaves the other ladies and goes to another part of the room and sits where there is a vacant seat beside her. Usually, how- ever, the gentlemen do not favor such delicate maneuvers and prefer rather to join the ladies on the ends, who are more accessible. AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT The usual entertainment after an informal dinner or even at a formal dinner, is bridge. Tables are set up in the drawing room or in an adjoining room. As every- body may not play bridge, it is perhaps more considerate at the small dinner to adopt a program productive of gen- eral approbation. If any of the guests are talented and willing, they may offer musical or vocal entertainment or perhaps one gifted in elocution may be induced to recite or read. If by good fortune there happens to be a good story teller among the guests, by all means permit him to entertain. DEPARTURE OF THE GUESTS An ironclad law of yesteryear demanded that no one leave before the guest of honor. To-day, while it is still _a rather unwritten obligation of the guest who sat on the 7 3 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS host’s right to make the first move to go, it is not consid- ered ill-mannered for another lady to rise first. How- ever, if the guest of honor is a stranger or an elderly lady of distinction, it is perhaps more courteous to wait and hope for the best; that is, to hope that the lady will not absent-mindedly forget that the obligation of being the first to rise rests upon her. If cards are being played and you do not play, it is even permissible to stay perhaps a half hour or less in conversation and then go home. Miss Banton, Mrs. Albright’s guest of honor, appre- ciates her responsibility. After a half hour’s conversation and another half hour’s entertainment in the way of playing and singing on the part of Mr. and Mrs. Rivers and during a momentary lull in the activities, Miss Ban- ton rises; Mrs. Albright does likewise, going forward, saying: “I hope you are not thinking of going!” Miss Banton answers: “I don’t want to in the least, but I fear I may experience the same difficulty in getting home as I did in coming! Thank you so much for ask- ing me.” This furnishes the cue for those of the others who are leaving. Mr. Brophy, being alone, offers to escort Miss Banton home. In a large home the hostess, upon the first indication of the departure of the guests, presses a bell for the serv- ants to be in the dressing room and hall. When one guest leaves they all leave except those at the bridge tables, who continue playing to the conclusion of their games. Each one says, “Good night” to whomever he is talking with and shakes hands, and then goes up to the hostess, saying, “Thank you for asking us,” or “Thank you so much,” and shakes hands with the hostess. 64 on eel ——— eS ee ee THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS “Thank you so much; good night,” is the usual expres- sion. And the hostess answers, “It was so nice to see you again,” or “I am glad you could come.” Most usu- ally she merely says, “Good night!” and suggests friendli- ness by the tone in which she says it. This is accom- plished by accenting slightly (not strongly) the “good.” | The Albright’s have, of course, no bell and no servants to respond, so Mrs. Albright goes to the ladies’ dressing room while Mr. Albright takes care of the men. The guests are then shown downstairs and Mr. Albright per- forms the functions of the butler, that is, opening the doors. The leave-taking is precisely as described above for the larger home. When young people leave they say, “Good night, it has been very pleasant,” or “Good night, and thank you so much.” The hostess smiles and says, “So glad you could come!” or just “Good night!” THE YOUNG MAN AND YOUNG WOMAN Mr. and Mrs. Rivers, as stated before, are to stay for the week-end. When the other guests have left, the two remaining couples seat themselves in the living room and have a friendly chat. Presently footsteps are heard on the doorstep. Very naturally the conversation ceases a moment, while all listen. After a minute or so Mr. Albright goes to the door. ASKING THE ESCORT IN It is required that somebody always remain up to open the door for a daughter who is out. She must not be 65 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS permitted to use a latchkey when returning with a young man. And the young man, even a fiancé, must leave the girlat the door. In the present case Mr. Albright reaches the door before the young gentleman has expressed his thanks for the enjoyable evening. Mr. Albright asks to be excused for the intrusion, upon which his daughter presents the young man to her father, who says, “Won't you come in a moment, Mr. Young?” This is permis- sible of the father; the main objection is to having the young man come in upon the invitation of the daughter. It seems a forward and unreserved act for a girl to ask a young man in. For a father to do so in an instance such as above described is of course acceptable, but out of the ordinary. But, then, this happening was accidental. “Thank you, Mr. Albright,” is Mr. Young’s answer. “Just for a moment.” They step into the living room and Miss Albright asks, “May we come in?” “Certainly, dear,” is the reply from Mrs. Albright. The young lady keeps her wrap on; the young man carries his hat and stick. His right-hand glove is carried in his left hand. INTRODUCING THE YOUNG MAN After a sweet salutation to mother, Miss Albright greets Mr. and Mrs. Rivers with, “How do you do, Mrs. Rivers, I am so glad to see you.” And to Mr. Rivers, “How do you do?” She then turns to her mother, say- ing, “Mother, this is Mr. Young, of whom I spoke to you.” Mrs, Albright extends her hand, and they ex- change “How do you do’s?” Miss Albright then turns to Mr. and Mrs. Rivers and says, ‘Mrs. Rivers,” then “Mr. Rivers.” 66 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Miss Albright takes a seat near Mrs. Rivers and Mr. Rivers and Mr. Albright, who had risen, resume their places, while Mr. Young takes a chair near Mr. Al- bright, placing his hat, stick, and gloves on the floor next to his chair. THE WEEK-END GUESTS GO TO BED Conversation runs smoothly along on the subject of the concert from which the young people have just come. In a short time Mrs. Rivers rises and says, “I think I shall go to bed” (not retire). Hereupon Mr. Rivers also rises. Mrs. Rivers turns to Mr. Young and says, ““Good-by, I am glad to have met you.” Mr. Young says, “Thank you.” Mr. Rivers says, “Good-by, I hope to see you again.” Mr. Young says, “Good-by, I hope so too.” Mr. and Mrs. Rivers then say good night to all the Albrights and go up to their room or rooms, as the case may be. | THE YOUNG MAN LEAVES Mr. Young takes his hat, gloves, and stick from the floor, and says, “Good night” to the Albrights, beginning with Mrs. Albright, going to Miss Albright next and to Mr. Albright last. They all shake hands, and Mrs. Al- bright invites Mr. Young to call again. He says, “Thank you,” and is gone. The hour of Mr. Young’s departure on this first eve- ning was about ten-thirty. He had only remained about ten or fifteen minutes, which was sufficient, because he had only been acting in the capacity of an escort, and had been asked to stop in. The duration of a gentleman’s visit upon a lady is dependent upon conditions. When the acquaintanceship is a new one, a call may last perhaps 67 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS a half hour. In a house where the reception is warm and the gentleman is well known, the caller may remain an hour and a half. It is never very advisable to stay long after ten o’clock, for it may be disconcerting to both the young woman and her parents. What won him the invitation? The propriety of his actions! He did not remove his coat and hang his things in the hall prepared to stay. He recognized that it was growing late when the week-end guests went to bed. He said “Good-night” and went. He did not linger after signifying his intention to go, keeping everybody stand- ing while he prolonged the going. He did not usurp the conversation, nor was he wanting in timely response. His conversation was directed to all the people present. He accepted introductions gracefully, and knew what to say. He did not ask to come again—but he was invited! INVITING FHE YOUNG MAN TO CALL AGAIN The short acquaintanceship of Miss Albright and Mr. Young had proved pleasant to both. This evening’s brief visit was Mr. Young’s first to the Albright home. Miss Albright might just as well have offered the invitation to call again, but her mother, who was particularly impressed by the young man’s appearance and bearing, thought to make the invitation impressive by acting as she did. A girl may invite a young man as often as she cares to receive him, but the young man must, of course, never ask to call. Only partial attention and other indications of annoyance should be sufficient to cause a young man to terminate his visits. Here are several satisfactory methods of inviting a young man to call: | 68 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS “T hope you will come to see me some Sunday after- noon (or “some evening’), Mr. A.” “Won't you call on one of our days at home, Mr. A.? My mother and I will always be glad to see you.” REFUSING THE MAN WHO ASKS TO CALL Should a young man deliberately ask for the privilege of calling, it will be found difficult to refuse permission, especially if there is no honest excuse for doing so. One way out of such a predicament is for a young lady to refer the unwelcome admirer to her mother, or whoever serves as her natural chaperon. No young man with a grain of sense for the proper would push the subject farther, particularly if he has reasons to believe that the young lady habitually decides such questions for herself. If the young man is granted permission to call, it is, of course, absolutely necessary to honor the appointment. WHEN A SECOND MAN ENTERS If a young man has been some time in the company of a young lady at her home, and friends enter, it is quite proper for the gentleman to leave shortly, particularly if _the newcomer is a man. The young hostess meanwhile, must show no partiality to either of the men, and when the first gentleman rises to leave, she must also rise and intimate a complimentary regret at his departure by say- ing, “Must you really go?’’—or “I am so sorry you must go.” She must offer her hand and a friendly good-by. A young lady does not in any circumstances accompany a retreating caller, be he an old acquaintance or a new friend, to the house door or to the drawing-room door. If the two men are not acquainted, and introductions 69 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS are necessary, and if the men are of approximately one age, the new arrival must be introduced to the other man. If one man is considerably older than the other, the younger is introduced to the older: “Mr. Younger, Mr. Older.” SERVING REFRESHMENTS TO CALLERS It is not considered proper to offer the chance evening, morning, or afternoon caller refreshments. The very logical reason given for this rule is that callers generally come at such hours when there is no desire for dainties or other tidbits. It is permissible, however, for a young lady to serve an iced drink with little cakes on a hot summer’s day, or tiny cups of very hot coffee or choco- late with biscuits, or dainty little sandwiches on a win- try night. These may be served from a little table, or passed on a tray. If the tray is passed by a servant, it is very proper for the young lady to help herself first and ask the gentlemen to follow suit. GIFTS TO THE YOUNG WOMAN Books, flowers, and other small articles of decoration may be properly accepted as gifts. Valuable jewelry or other more expensive articles may only be accepted under conditions of close relationship, nor should such a gift be made unless the giver is sure of its acceptance. Needless to say, it is poor form for a man to send expensive pres- ents to a woman who may be compelled to return them. NOTE OF THANKS FOR A GIFT A brief note of thanks may be sent upon the receipt of a gift. It may be written as follows: 79 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS DEAR Mr. A.: Thank you very much for the wonderful bou- quet. It looked too beautiful and was a source of much pleasure. Very sincerely, Mary Brown. An elaboration of the gift question may be found un- der the section on Gifts Hato BE chad i Dina bs Notwithstanding definite and clear-cut assertions that a lady is never under the “protection” of a man, there is nevertheless a feeling of security and ease of mind in the knowledge that your daughter, sister, or you are in the company of one physically capable of protection if the occasion for protection were to arise. In this sense © a lady may feel that a young man accompanying her is an escort. But it is understood that a lady is never “taken” anywhere by a man; she must always receive a personal invitation. Even a fiancé does not “take” his fiancée where she herself has not received a personal in- vitation. If a gentleman is asked to bring his fiancée, he may say in effect, “She would be very glad to come, I am sure, and I’d love to have you ask her.” 7i CHAPTER IV GOOD MANNERS IN THE STREET ) | AND IN PUBLIC ON: THE STREET Gentlemen to the curb! Whether with one, two, or more ladies, the gentleman always takes the curb side of — the street. He never walks between. Proper street deportment calls for dignity and reserve equally as much as the banquet hall. A young man’s manner should in no way draw attention to the lady he is accompanying, or to himself. Loud talking, pointing, gesticulating, or the loud mention of names are all im- proper. Devotion is a wonderful attribute, but should be confined to its proper place; golf should be confined to the links, walking sticks are to be carried, not used as mashies ; smoking to the smoking room, and—chewing— should be left to the cows. People who walk along in calm and dignified manner may always pass as well bred. Those who draw atten- tion to themselves by conspicuous manners, conspicuous clothes, boisterous conversation, undue hilarity, and by other means do so at the risk of having other people form an opinion about them, and the opinion may not be favor- able. GIVE THE OTHER PERSON A CHANCE In a great city, like New York, for example, whose important streets, railways, and other public thorough- 72 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS fares are extremely crowded, the practice of good man- ners is an act of general welfare. Endeavor at all times to keep to the right and you will not be unduly bumping into other people. Do not cross abruptly in front of an- other person, nor stop dead in your tracks, causing the man behind to bump into you. Always give ladies, and particularly elderly ladies, the right of way. Courtesy toward public servants such as train men and trolley men is essential to the behavior of a gentleman. Dignity does not suffer by the practice of humility, In short, the man- ners practiced at home, brought into the street and public life, befittingly stamp the character of the individual. A thought now and then for other people, and con- sideration for their time and conventions, may be shown in many little ways in everyday life. As you near the cashier’s box at a railway station, get your money ready. Don’t stand at the window and fidget and fuss to find the elusive coin, meanwhile delaying a line of people behind you. When you are the first one to step off an elevated train, and are the first one to reach the stairway, just a bit more than a snail-like pace will permit the people behind, who may be in a hurry, to make better progress. Don’t stop on the steps to load and light your pipe. When people stop on the stairway it causes a double incon- venience, because those coming down behind must go over to the left, where other people may be coming up. Thus in many similar instances the exercise of good manners may work toward the general welfare. OFFERING THE ARM A gentleman must never take a lady’s arm or take hold of her by or above the elbow and push her hither or 73 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS thither. An old lady or an invalid may be offered the arm in support. To-day it is not customary for a lady to lean on a gentleman’s arm in daytime unless it be to cross a very crowded thoroughfare or as an aid in crossing a rough or muddy road or street. At night, however, a gentleman may offer a lady his arm when walking a dis- tance, or even if only going down the steps of a house or from one building to another. This is done solely to assist the lady, who may be wearing high heels. In such case he may say, “Perhaps you had better take my arm; you might stumble”; or “It might be easier if you. took my arm along here; walking is not very good.” There is no other occasion on which a gentleman offers his arm to a lady in public, omitting, of course, formal dinners, suppers, or when the man is an usher at a wed- ding. Etiquette never permits a gentleman to take a lady’s arm. In helping a lady into or out of a carriage, automobile, or other means of conveyance, it is correct for a gentle- man to put his hand under her elbow. A gentleman may carry a lady’s umbrella in a rainstorm when it may re- quire all her efforts to keep her clothes dry and manage her hat at the same time. If it will enable her to walk easier, she may also take the gentleman’s arm. A parasol is strictly a lady’s article, and is never held by a man unless while both her hands are momentarily occupied. LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND BUNDLES Authorities on etiquette maintain that ladies never carry bundles, and that hence the old rule that a gentleman must always carry a lady’s bundles has no foundation. The opinion may be Americanly democratic, but it is true 74 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS that popular opinion in America would never brand the woman who carries a bundle as “no lady.” No doubt the word “bundle” impresses different people with varying concepts, and the argument may not be properly pre- mised. But, undoubtedly, the bundle of moderate size and weight, neatly wrapped, in the hand of a woman, would, in the broad American sense, brings no censure to the name of the woman, Perhaps the bundle that a woman is carrying contains something that must abso- lutely be brought home immediately, and time does not permit sending for a messenger, or there is no porter available and no taxi in sight, and the woman may be carrying the bundle a short distance to where she can get some means of conveyance! Should such “offense” brand her as “no lady’? Certainly not—in America! Would the man who met a woman—always previously considered by him a lady—carrying a bundle, and who did not relieve her of her burden, be called a gentleman? Certainly not—in America! An exceptionally fine gen- tleman one night met a poor, middle-aged woman drag- ging a shattered suitcase and a bundle half wrapped in crinkled paper from which the contents were half hang- ing out. He not only carried the suitcase and bundle up the subway steps, but he carried them to the poor, worn- out woman’s home as well! Was hea gentleman? Abso- lutely—in America! WHO SHOULD PAY? If a man meets a woman, and they are going the same way, and she stops to buy this or that at her own inclina- tion, there is no reason why the man should pay. If they board some means of local conveyance, the expense of 75 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS which is trifling, the man pays for two. When a man and woman meet, even by arrangement, to go to a place some distance by train, the woman should pay her own expenses. She must not permit her companion to pay for her parlor-car seat or to tip porters for her. She may, if they are very well acquainted, accept his invita- tion to luncheon and permit him to pay, but it would be more proper, when the hour draws near, to suggest that they have luncheon, and then, of course, pay for her own. Invitations made by a man to outings, games, theatre, etc., naturally mean that the man buys the tickets and refreshments. | } THE RESTAURANT CHECK When you are invited to a restaurant by a friend, the invitation is understood to include payment of every- thing by the one doing the inviting. There should be no quibbling or fussing as to the payment of the check or the waiter’s tip, coat boys, etc. WHEN TO OFFER A LADY YOUR SEAT IN A TROLLEY CAR A gentleman must never take a seat if there are ladies standing. If he is sitting and young ladies enter the car, he may keep his seat with the certainty of knowing that he is correct in doing so. An old woman or a woman carrying a baby should be offered a seat. The gentleman merely lifts his hat slightly and says, “Please take my seat.” The hat is lifted again when the lady thanks him. A gentleman or a lady may offer a seat to a very old person of either sex. OTHER TROLLEY ETIQUETTE If the car throws a gentleman into a lady’s lap, he must immediately get up (comfortable as the place may be) 76 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS and say, “Excuse me,” or “I beg your pardon.” “Pardon me” should not be said. The quickest and easiest way to pass through a crowded car is to let people know that you wish to get by. Say in a tone loud enough for people close by to hear, “May I pass, please?’ And when clearance is made, it is proper to say, “Thank you.” A gentleman lifts his hat when another gentleman offers his woman companion a seat or picks up some- thing she has dropped, or is courteous in some other way. A LADY ALWAYS ON THE RIGHT The laws of etiquette decree that a lady must always sit at the right of a gentleman in a carriage, trolley, or automobile. This means that if a man and woman are being driven by a chauffeur in the man’s car, the lady sits at the right. If a gentleman and a lady are being driven in the lady’s car, the lady must sit on the right. If two ladies are being driven, the owner of the car may take the place at the right, or she may offer it to the other lady if that lady’s rank is above her own. SMOKING A gentleman must not smoke when walking on the street with a lady, and he must remove cigar or cigarette from his mouth when lifting his hat, when bowing, or when a lady enters his office or an elevator, or when conversing with a lady. Gentlemen are law-abiding citi- zens. They do not smoke where smoking is forbidden. But, of course, where smoking is permitted by law or by special order, it is nevertheless forbidden by etiquette when ladies are present. G, Man.—D a THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS AT PUBLIC GATHERINGS GOOD MANNERS AT THE THEATRE The first courtesy that everybody owes everybody else in a theatre, including the actors, is to come early. The “late march” is a very disturbing part of the program. ‘It causes crowding through the narrow rows of seats, stepping on people’s brightly polished shoes (and pet corns), buffeting the heads of the people in the row in front, and momentarily cutting off the view of all the people behind and disturbing a great number of people in the surrounding rows. To the kind people who rise to permit you to pass, say “Thank you very much,” or, if you don’t feel it so very much, say just “Thank you,” and if you are very sorry, say “I am very sorry.”’ You may also say, “I beg your pardon,” but do not say “Pardon me!” or “Beg pardon.” It is just as important to be timely returning after the intermission as it is to be early at the beginning of _the performance. Most men can do without smoking long enough to make it necessary to go out after one act only; those who make a particular point to wriggle their way out after every act, and then come strolling back late at the beginning of the new act, are to the theatregoers what the flea is to the dog. Laughing and Talking at the Theatre If you go to the theatre to be entertained, bear in mind that perhaps others go for the same purpose, and that 78 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS they come to be entertained—not by you. Save your con- versation for the intermission period, when it is very acceptable and usually in demand. If you must talk to your neighbor, do it in such a tone as to disturb no one else. Laugh when the actors present something funny ; don’t go to the theatre to spread the latest in jokes. Going Down the Aisle When the usher has been given the tickets at the head of the aisle, the lady follows the usher and the gentle- man brings up the rear.. When there is no usher at the head of the aisle, the gentleman may lead the way, he has the tickets and can thus more readily find out the seats. When the correct row is reached, the gentleman steps aside, permitting the lady to pass to her seat first. A lady must never take the aisle seat when accompanied by a gentleman. A group of people starting down the aisle should be lead by the person who has the tickets. Each one should know his seat number, and the one having the seat far- thest in should go in first, and the next one next, and so on. This facilitates the matter of seating, and is par- ticularly agreeable when the group comes late. Dinner and the Piay Most people are always ready and delighted to dine and go to the play. The theatre, as a matter of fact, is a great deal more popular than the opera. The average married couple would most likely dine at home whether going alone or with invited guests, but it is very custom- ary in New York to-day to dine at fashionable restaurants. A private theatre party usually consists of six or eight 79 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS persons. The invitations are most generally telephoned in the usual way. If the dinner is to be at a restaurant, the host meets the guests in the foyer of the restaurant. People who have no cars of their own take their guests to and from the theatre in taxis if they can afford to do so. If the more moderate public means of conveyance are used, the host or hostess pays the fares. Tickets Buy the tickets long enough in advance to be sure of getting good seats. It is not very pleasing to be invited to an entertainment of any nature and then have to stand in line—and then get a poor seat. Out of respect and courtesy to the people invited, the tickets should be bought well in advance; do the best possible by your friends. You may ask your intimate friends what play they would most like to see. THE OPERA With the exception of those who sit in the boxes and the orchestra at the opera, the same laws of good man- ners govern the opera as those governing actions at the theatre. GOOD MANNERS IN A BOX AT THE OPERA The occupants of boxes usually dine with their hostess before the opera and arrive together. One of the gentle- men in the group draws back the curtain for the ladies to enter. The ladies always enter first, the gentlemen follow, the last one drawing the curtains together. This duty must not be neglected, for the light shining in from the ante-chamber when the curtains are left open flares So THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS in the eyes of the occupants of the opposite box. The hostess always takes the seat furthest from the stage; the seat nearest the stage, in the foremost corner of the box, is given the oldest or the most distinguished lady in the party. The lady who is to have this choice place takes her seat first, the hostess takes her’s next, and then the third lady, if there is one, takes her place between the other two and remains standing until one of the gen- tlemen places her chair. Chairs in the box are always arranged in three rows. A gentleman should never sit in the front row of a box, even though alone. Visits to Other Boxes The entr’actes are the formal visiting hours at the opera. The gentleman guests of one box visit friends of other boxes. A gentleman must never enter a box in which he knows only the gentlemen. If he wishes to pre- © sent another gentleman to a lady in another box, he must first ask permission. In doing this he would not speak of his friend as Mr. So-and-So, but John So-and-So. But a gentleman is free to enter another box to speak with a lady with whom he is intimately acquainted, but not if the acquaintance is but slight. When a visiting gentleman enters a box, the man sitting behind the lady visited should surrender his chair. The ladies should never be left entirely alone. It may happen that all the gentlemen of a certain box have offered their chairs to visitors. They are then free to ‘leave, but they must immediately return when all the visitors are about to leave, even though the ladies whom they have been visiting are momentarily alone. The lowering of the lights is the signal for all visitors to SI THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS return to their own boxes. Conversation during the over- ture or any part of the performance is contrary to good taste, and is as inappropriate at the opera as at the thea- tre. Movement to or from boxes during any part of the performance must be made as quietly as possible and without conversation. After the Opera At the close of the performance the entire party goes to the carriage lobby, where the ladies are driven off, at least one gentleman remaining until all the ladies in the party have been driven away. A lady must never be left standing alone on the sidewalk. The hostess is obligated to take home all unattended ladies who have no private conveyances of their own. A married lady or a widow may order her own car. In such case an odd gentleman, and there should always be a gentleman for every lady in the party, waits until the car appears. If this lady is considerate, she may drive the odd man to his home. It is equally proper if she merely thanks him for waiting and drives off alone. GOOD MANNERS AND BUSINESS The good manners acquired in early life in the home, and practiced throughout the growth of the child into manhood or womanhood, are the basis for the good man- ners requisite to success in business. Training in con- trol plays a very important part in the trying days of business life. The person who has complete control of the senses is fitted to cope with intricate circumstances and momentous problems in such a way as to command 82 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS complete functioning of the best senses productive of correct decisions. Furthermore, the person of good manners is capable of meeting “big” men and women on their own level. There is no feeling of embarrassment when you know just what to say, when to say it, or whether or not to say it. These attributes go far toward the accomplishment of success in the world of affairs. COURTESY IN BUSINESS The courteous executive or the courteous laborer pro- duces an effect upon associates that stamps him as a man. While daily actions may be little thought of, it must be remembered that the giant tower is made up of a multi- tude of small stones intermingled with an occasional large one. In like manner it is safe to say that the career of the business man or politician who towers above his colleagues has been made up of many little insignificant acts and some big accomplishments. The little acts serve as a background and accentuate the bigger ones. The official who “lends his ear’ to employees and vis- itors and is always polite, who rises when a lady or an older executive enters his office, who removes his hat when entering the office of another executive, who says, “Please” and “Thank you,” is readily acknowledged as a fitting representative. Petty complaints and the shirking of responsibility is not productive of respect. ETIQUETTE GENERALITIES FOR THE BUSINESS WORLD A gentleman must not smoke when walking on the street with a lady, and he must remove cigar, cigarette, or pipe from his mouth when lifting his hat, or bowing 83 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS when a lady enters his office or an elevator where he is or when conversing with a lady. He must be considerate of other people and must bear in mind that the purpose of the eraser on the end of the pencil is for the correction of errors. It is very humiliat- ing to “scold” an inferior for an error and later have the same inferior point out one on your part. “To err is human—to forgive, divine.” The big man is concerned not primarily with how the error occurred, but with the immediate means of rectifying the conditions created by the occurrence. Never “snap oft” people who make demands on your time. If you are unable to give any time at the moment, you can gracefully make known that fact by simply say- ing, “At present the pressure of some very important things will not permit me to go into your proposition in detail. Perhaps we can arrange for a discussion some other time.” While it is a splendid thing to be on good terms with the people with whom you come into daily contact, this must never be done at the sacrifice of dignity and respect. It is the sign of pleasant relationships when the men in one office call each other by their first names, but this privilege should not be given to subordinates. Never grant an interview if you have no intention of giving your attention. To sit through an interview with © a bored or absent-minded expression is the height of in- sincerity. If you have no intention of considering a prop- osition, there is no harm in saying so, and there can be no ill feeling—if the statement is made courteously. The telephone companies of the greater cities have in recent years campaigned extensively for telephone cour- 84 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS fe tesy. “The voice with the smile wins,” is their slogan. _ This courtesy is not intended merely for business man to business man, but also for business man to telephone mY operator and for operator to business man. The endeavor a has brought a wonderful response and better telephone I ’ ft . is service, which proves that care and consideration for CHAPTER V CLUBS AND CLUB ETIQUETTE ATTAINING MEMBERSHIP Membership to countless small clubs is attained by merely having one or two members vouch for the char- acter and integrity of the applicant. The larger and more exclusive clubs require formal application, exami- nation, and approval of the membership or house com- mittee or the board of governors; whichever body may exist. The usual way of joining such a club is by hav- ing a very good friend who is a member present the application and another to second it. The applicant’s full name is entered in a book kept for the purpose, to- gether with the names of the proposer and the seconder. Later, when the name is posted on the club’s bulletin board, the proposer and seconder each write a letter of endorsement to the body empowered to pass on applica- tions. Such letters may be written so: Board of Governors, The Plusquam Club. DEAR SIRS: It is with much pleasure that I propose Mr. Warner B. Good for membership in the Plus- quam Club. Mr. Good is a lifelong friend of mine, and I can vouch for it that he is in every way qualified for membership. 86 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS In 1916, his senior year, Mr. Good issued the prize-winning oration at Colton, where he was also elected Poet Laureate. He is now in the phonograph manufacturing firm, Good, Speaker & Co. Yours very truly, ARNO THAMES. MEETING THE GOVERNORS The proposer should then tell the applicant to ask a number of friends who are club members, none of whom may be governors, to write letters of endorsement. The next step is to have the applicant personally meet several of the governors, since a candidate’s name cannot come up for election unless he is known to some of the governors. Responsibility for these meetings rests with either the proposer or the seconder. One or the other may arrange to take the applicant to the offices of some of the governors, or they may invite two or three of these gentlemen, together with the candidate, to lunch. This procedure is rather an ordeal, but it is a very nec- essary evil under existing conditions, and unless some other method is adopted it will have to be tolerated. To try to short-cut, may prove disastrous, for the candi- date who has not sufficient endorsement may suffer by a minimum of objection: that is, while he may have two letters in his favor, strong objection by one or two mem- bers to whom he may not be desirous would be enough to cause his rejection. The personal endorsement of two or three of the governors is ordinarily sufficient to Overcome minor objections and assure the acceptance of an applicant. 87 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ASK ONLY INTIMATE FRIENDS TO PROPOSE YOU Rejections are always written in such a way that no personal offense can be taken. They are usually ad- dressed to the candidate’s proposer. Example: Mr. Arno THAMES, 15 Boulevard, New York City. DEAR SIR: The Board of Governors regrets to announce that the application of Mr. Warner B. Good to membership in the Plusquam Club cannot be accepted without further endorsement. Yours truly, I. Wricut, Secretary, Board of Governors. THE BLACK BALL “Black Ball’ is an ill-sounding term. It originated from the custom of dropping into the ballot box a white ball for and a black ball against a candidate for mem- bership. The application of this term to a person may cause him considerable injury in life, and for this reason membership boards are wary against its use. If an applicant seems predestined to the fate of the “black ball,’ the governors generally advise the proposer to withdraw his name. If claims against the candidate can be disproved or satisfactorily discounted, his name may again be submitted. 88 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE NEW MEMBER If one has gone through all the trouble of intro- ducing a new member, one should go a step farther and accompany him on his first visit to the club, and “show him the ropes.”’ Visitors resident in the city in which the club is located are not given the privilege of the exclusive club, hence none but members know the way about. The rs new member should be informed of all things that will x tend to put him at ease and save even the slightest dis- comforts. If certain people have for years been accus- tomed to occupy certain places and these places are gen- erally more or less reserved for these people, that is a good thing for the new member to know. Peculiarities i of other members, particular whims and fancies, likes, t dislikes, hobbies of this, that, or the other person, good and bad waiters, etc., etc.; these are the little compass points that will enable the newly chartered club-member ship to sail an easy course. Armed with the Club Book, containing a list of the ‘members, the constitution and by-laws, and the house : rules, which should be carefully studied and practiced, the new member may enjoy his membership fully. GOOD MANNERS AT THE CLUB Practice your habitual good manners at the club and you will be a well-liked member. Pleasure and con- venience are the strongest attractions of any club—that means pleasure and convenience for everybody. Too many people jest and joke incessantly. They may be 89 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS having a deal of pleasure, but is the other person?’ The same question will occur to the gentleman who is enjoy- ing ample convenience; namely, “has the other person enough convenience?” Briefly stated, the matter resolves itself again into the application of the underlying law of good manners—consideration for others. There are also certain definite rules to be observed. Do not use the library for conversation; it is reserved for reading and writing. Do not intrude on the conversation of others; two people sitting by themselves undoubtedly prefer to be alone, and unless you are an intimate friend of both (not a mere acquaintance of either—or both) you must leave them to themselves. Even if you are intimate with both, the trend of the conversation must tell you whether or not you may take part; if you may not, you must casually stroll to other parts, pretending to have seen somebody with whom you would have a word. INTRODUCING A VISITOR TO A CLUB In most formal clubs visitors from out of town are permitted. A member may personally take the stranger to the club, write his name in the visitors’ book, and intro- duce him to those present and perhaps ask a particularly well-known friend to help entertain the stranger, When it is not possible for the host to take the stranger to the club he may write a card of introduction to the secretary as follows: | Secretary, The Central Club. Dear Sir: Please send a Privilege Card to Mr. U.N. Noan to the Lolland House, for use over go THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS a period of one week, beginning February tenth. Very truly, ARNO THAMES. The privilege card: The Plusquam Club Extends its privileges to from to Through the courtesy of ETIQUETTE FOR CLUB VISITORS The privileges are given the stranger by a club to be taken advantage of by him only. He must not bring other non-members into the club, for pleasure or dinner, or anything else. He cannot play the part of a dinner host to members of the club in the club’s dining room, for that would be like giving a friend a dinner in his own home! It is permissible to ask a very close friend who is a member of the club to lunch, but those with whom he has become acquainted during his stay at the club must be taken to a dining room outside the club, if the stranger would be host. Immediate and unquestioned settlement of the account is required upon leaving, for accounts are otherwise sent to the member who introduced the visitor. All other points of etiquette for the stranger are the same as those governing the regular member, and very strict observance of them is indeed necessary. Ol THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS | THE INFORMAL CLUB All information given above is of a nature adapta- ble more or less to the large formal club, but most of the rules may easily be applied to the smaller and informal clubs. Certainly the laws of good manners, in so far as consideration for others is concerned, should not vary with the size of the club. But, of course, in some respects the informal club varies from the formal. It is common practice in the informal club for a member to speak to every other member—but not, of course, if speaking means intrusion! Lunches at informal clubs are often served on long group tables, at which anyone may sit and join in the conversation. But, generally speaking, there is nothing about the large formal club that may not be practiced in a miniature sort of way in the smallest club whose membership is constituted of well-mannered gentlemen. (The inference is not to be made that this refers to the service, etc., of the large club.) Q2 CHAPTER VI GOOD MANNERS AT PUBLIC BALLS AND DANCES THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BALL AND A DANCE The public ball is usually open to all; while the infor- mal dance is limited in numbers. It is also generally con- fined to younger people, whereas the ball very often is attended by a majority of older people. The decorations and entire arrangements for a ball are usually, though not necessarily, more elaborate than for a dance. Ata dance those present are usually there by invitation and everybody knows everybody else, while at a public ball the people are mostly strangers to one another. A further understanding of the difference between a ball and a dance may be gained by reading the section on Subscription Dances following in this chapter. For- mal balls in assembly rooms or private houses are dis- cussed in Part IV. Pr uAUDY GOES, TOA BALL OR DANCE It is very improper for a young lady to go to a ball or dance alone with a young man. A chaperon of some description, be it mother, father, brother, aunt, or uncle should always accompany the young couple. Neither 93. THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS may a young girl go entirely alone, but she may go with- out a gentleman in the company of a chaperon. /Very often young people go to dances in groups. In this case it is perhaps possible to go without a ge chaperon, although where there is one, a brother should make one of the group with which the young lady is going. Two young ladies going together is no more per- missible than one going alone. OBLIGATIONS OF THE YOUNG MAN Everything in the way of expense attached to the at- tendance of a ball or dance must be borne by the gentle- man. Entrance fee, coat-room fee, transportation to and from the dance, supper and refreshments for both the lady and her chaperon must be paid by the young man who accompanies the lady as partner. GETTING ACQUAINTED Young people do not usually attend a ball where they are entirely strange. If the gentleman is known to some of the members of the committee on reception, he may, through such person make the acquaintance of others. On entering the ballroom one should bow to the com- mittees, patronesses, and guest of honor, if there is one. Handshaking is in order if one is well acquainted with these dignitaries or if an acquaintance with them is ac- complished by means of others. THE YOUNG LADY DANCES The young man who accompanies a lady to a dance- demands no contract for every dance, and the fact that 94 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS he is accompanying a lady gives him no such preroga- tive. One good reason for making the acquaintance of others at a dance is the sole purpose of furnishing an occasional change of partner for both the gentleman and the lady. A lady never dances or talks with men to whom she has not been introduced by some accredited person. ASKING FOR AND ACCEPTING A DANCE “Would you care to dance?” is the customary way of asking for a dance. One may also say, “May I have some of this?” Asking for a dance is, of course, only permissible when the gentleman has been introduced to the lady. The lady’s reply may be, “I should like to very much,” or “With great pleasure.” WHEN TO STOP DANCING A dance may be terminated at any point at the inclina- tion of the lady. She may say, “I am very tired—let us rest a while.” The man, on the other hand, is supposed to dance on until the lady, or the music, stops. The lady likewise suggests the hour of departure. SITTING OUT DANCES If a lady does not feel inclined to dance and is asked for a dance, she may say, “Not just now, thank you—I am a wee bit tired,” or “Thank you, but I would prefer to rest through this number.” If she likes, she may add, “Come and sit with us!” She may not refuse to dance with one man and then directly accept the invitation of another, unless there is good and justifiable reason— 95 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS / actual offensiveness about the man—for such action. Ordinarily a lady must be either “dancing” or “not dancing.” An older lady may dance a few turns with her son or husband even though she has just refused another man, and such action may not be taken as an offense or lack of good manners. WHEN NOT TO ASK FOR A DANCE When a girl is sitting alone with a man in the ballroom or elsewhere, a second one should not intrude on the con- versation or ask the girl to dance. Besides being im- proper, this would leave the man sitting entirely alone. If the girl is part of a group, she may safely be asked. INVITATIONS TO SUPPER The gentleman who accompanies a lady to a dance also takes her to supper. If a gentleman wishes to take a lady who has no masculine companion, he should say, “May I take you to supper?’ or “Will you have supper with me?” and the invitation, of course, includes the chaperon. To tactlessly say, “Have you no partner?” would be to boorishly embarrass a lady and cause her to admit an awkward though unaccountable position. MOULUTIEN Cr TIN A custom at formal dances permits young men, called “stags,” to stand in the doorway of the ballroom and to _ dart forward at any point in the dance. The stag need 96 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS only lay a hand on the shoulder of the partner of a girl with whom he wishes to dance, and dance off with the girl. The partner must gracefully relinquish the girl. A third person may follow the same procedure, and “cut in” on the girl’s second partner, or the original partner may redeem his lost prestige by ‘cutting in” again after the lady has danced once around the ballroom. Though accepted as correct in best society in New York, Buffalo, Boston, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Chi- cago, San Francisco, and very likely throughout America, it is nevertheless not a practice of the average ballroom. While this method undoubtedly gives all the young men a chance to dance, it also fosters a hardship on the ladies, for a girl may just be progressing very well with a part- ner when she is called upon to adapt herself to the style of another—and then perhaps another—and then perhaps still another. Styles in dancing vary so perceptibly to-day that it is very difficult to find two couples on one floor dancing exactly alike, and even if the dancing were uni- form, individuals have individual peculiarities. It is advisable, at all events, to do “in Rome as the Romans do.” If “cutting in” is not practiced at the dance you are attending, it might prove well not to in- stitute it. SUBSCRIPTION DANCES A group of ladies in a community meets and decides to give one or more balls a season. All the members of this group suggest additional names until a list of sufficient size has been agreed upon. Invitations to another meeting are sent the people whose names are on the list; then the size of the final list and the names to be included is com- 97 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS piled. The ladies so listed are the patronesses or mana- gers. They elect a chairman, a vice chairman, a secre- tary, and a treasurer, and a half dozen or more others to act aS a managing committee, or committee on arrange- ments. The remainder of the people listed are merely “members,” who pay dues and receive a certain number of tickets for each ball. Tickets are sent by the com- mittee to the people whose names are submitted by the members. Oftentimes the same names are submitted by more than one patroness, and for this reason each mem- ber usually submits one or two names in addition to the allotted number, so that the committee may take the top names of each list and add them to those already con- tained in the “invitation book.” Were each member to personally attend to her invitations there would most likely be innumerable duplications. The committee is also empowered to withhold invitations from any persons not approved at the meeting held for this purpose, and in this way the exclusiveness of the ball is also insured. Very rarely are invitations withheld, however, for it would necessitate a very serious objection to cause such action. Those wishing to invite more guests than is allotted each patroness may borrow tickets from other members who do not contemplate using their full quota. SUBSCRIPTION DANCES BY CLUBS Clubs and other organizations often arrange subscrip- tion dances in much the same way as described above, but most generally the committee asks members to subscribe to a certain number of tickets, instead of dividing the 98 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS expenses between the members, which, after all, amounts to approximately the same thing, for the price of tickets is usually sufficiently high to permit the sale of tickets to cover at least the major part of the expenses. PATRONESSES RECEIVE About four to six patronesses are usually appointed to receive the guests. They collectively assume the duties of the hostess, standing in line to bow to the arrivals. Lady guests curtsy slightly, gentlemen bow ceremoni- ously—not to each patroness individually, but to the “line” collectively. The patronesses respond accordingly in unison. The “receiving line” is usually carefully se- lected for popularity and general adaptability. Men’s clubs often select patronesses to receive, rather than have members of the committee perform the func- tion. Mixed clubs sometimes have a mixed “receiving line,” but in all cases the actions are of the same gen- eral nature as those described. Arrangements may be varied to meet various requirements and conditions, but good manners are the same under all conditions, even though the details of their application differ. 99 CHAPTER VII GOOD MANNERS IN GAMES AND SPORTS “LHE GAME’'S THE THINGS Bridge whist, poker, pinochle, golf, tennis, or anything else should be played primarily for the pleasure or sport derived therefrom. It is quite as pleasant to lose a good match as it is to win—and there is no fun in win- ning from an ungraceful loser! Your best is the utmost that you can hope to put into anything, and if that is not sufficient to “bring home the bacon,” then there is at least the consolation to be taken from the fact that the winner was compelled to extend himself, and that while his is the glory of victory, yours is the glory in defeat. POOR PRACTICES IN ANY GAME The game for stakes is the absolute test of “quality in men,” which also means women. When there is nothing to lose but a mere game, most people can pass off a lost game with at least a shrug of the shoulders. But either winning or losing with stakes involved may well be termed the “acid test” of the true gentleman or lady. The poor loser, who sneers at others’ luck, and rants at his own poor luck, is usually the grasping and hilarious winner. The gentleman wins as he loses—gracefully. TOOK: THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS PLAYING WITH A PARTNER When playing with a partner at cards, golf, or tennis, etc., one must establish a feeling of confidence in the partner for oneself and display a similar confidence in the partner. This can only be accomplished by permitting the partner to “play his game” and by never failing to uphold one’s share. Pointing out the errors of a partner, unless called upon to do so, is but to produce in the other person a feeling of individual responsibility for the out- come, if things go wrong, and at the same time seems like an absorption of all the credit for success. Encroaching on his territory on the tennis court is analogous to constantly overbidding the partner in a card game; both seem expressions of lack of confidence and usurpation. Both evils are productive of similar results. The tennis player who endeavors to make the majority of plays, undermines his partner’s confidence and places him in a position of doubt as to when to make a play and when to leave it. The same is true when one partner takes the majority of bids; the other player has not the confidence to know when to take or leave the bid. This is not to ‘say that one should pass the opportunity to make a “killing,” for that would be foolhardy, but consideration for the other person’s intelligence and ability, and a display of confidence in his judgment are necessary to establish the groundwork of success in any team—team work: GOOD MANNERS AT CARDS If you must drum, join the army! If your inclinations run toward massage, rubbing other people’s chins and IOI THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS foreheads may prove profitable; at a card game there is nothing to be gained by occupying yourself on your own face in this way, except the disfavor of the other players. Slapping and waving the cards is a source of irritation to those who are losing; gentlemen do not intentionally nettle the unfortunate. Hold your orations in the town hall. Fortune telling is prohibited by law; if you are wise enough to know just what your opponent is going to play each time, perhaps you can use this foresight in leading him to play the cards you wish to get. Ina word, affectation and mannerisms attractive of attention are not pleasing to others, and may mean fewer invitations to games, regardless of playing ability. Modesty and sim- plicity of manner are essential traits for those aspiring to popularity. GOOD MANNERS IN SPECTATORS Criticising another’s play is almost as bad as criticising his clothes. It is part of his personal composition, and personalities are rarely discussed even by very inti- mate friends. The sportsman does not discuss his oppo- nent’s play except perhaps to softly say, “Too bad, old man!” at an unfortunate stroke; but he is always ready to commend, “Great shot! old top!”’—why then should the spectator take it upon himself to make audible com- ment! It is distracting; distractions are avoided by the well mannered. Never trail along the links to follow the play of strangers. Golf requires a steady hand and eye; your presence may unnerve the players, and spoil their enjoy- ment. It is equivalent to intruding upon the conversation 102 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS of others. If you enjoy walking on the links, try to keep out of the way of play. RULES FOR SPORTSMEN “The game’s the thing!”—play to win, but play prim- arily to play, that is, for all the game is worth. Learn the rules of any game you play, thoroughly! Don’t discredit the success of your conqueror. To stop in the middle of a match that seems lost, complaining of an injury that existed before you started, is to court unfavorable criticism. A man playing with a woman should not take advan- tage of his superior endurance (if he has it)—even if she is a militant suffragette! The same applies to play with a weaker male opponent, despite the fact that he challenged you. His thorough and decisive defeat will be sufficient to convince him of your superiority as a player. When there is a doubt, give the other person the benefit. Should this decision handicap you, your ultimate victory will be so much more worth the winning. But if you lose, even though granting the handicap was instrumental in your loss, don’t mention it. Take your defeat good- naturedly, and make the winner feel that the decision of the point in question had no bearing on the final result. He will admire you for it, and you will be nearer attain- ing the goal of all sport—the molding of an admirable character ! 103 CHAPTER VIII CARDS AND VISITS The first part of this book is intended to bring good social practices down to a level attainable by the person of moderate circumstances who wishes to be correct within his means. Questions of strictly formal procedure likely to be necessary only in the lives of the people coming under the category of what has become known as “the four-hundred” are recorded for those who aim high, in the latter part of the book under “Formal Procedure.” The use of cards and the necessity for making visits, may be encountered by most anybody in daily life, so that it seems necessary to place this information “up front.” TEXTURE OF CARDS All visiting cards should be engraved on white unglazed (known to printers and engravers as “kid finish”) Bris- tol board. The card may be of medium thickness or thin to suit individual taste. Some years ago cards were used very thin, the reason being that more cards could be conveniently carried on the person. STYLE OF LETTERING The style of type most in use to-day is a shaded block letter. Script (the style of type imitative of handwriting) is steadfastly adhered to by the minority. Its grace is 104 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS undeniable; its appearance is always in good taste. A plain block letter is likewise acceptable and always pre- sentable, though it should be chosen in the light face rather than the heavy. With the exception of what is known to printers as “wedding text” (regular, not shaded), which is a form of old English, though not so elaborate as what the printers call ‘“Engravers’ Old Eng- lish,” ornamental lettering is not used to-day. POSITION OF NAME AND ADDRESS Good printers and engravers may be trusted to “set” cards in the correct way, but it is always advisable for people to know what is correct so that they may be cer- tain to get it. | The name always appears centered from side to side and somewhat above the center. The optic center is above the actual center, so that a name appearing in the actual center will appear low, or below center. The address of people living in the city should be placed in the lower right corner in type smaller than the name. Ad- dresses are not essential in the country, as everyone knows where everyone else lives. Those having both town and country addresses have separate cards. ‘This does not necessarily require extra engraving plates. (Consult your printer or engraver, he will explain how this is done.) CHARACTER IN CARDS The choice of cards and types is as important as the selection of personal attire. The card is the silent repre- | 105 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS sentative of the person: it stands for you in your absence. It must express your character. If you do not wish to create a false impression, do not use a card that is any- thing but simple and correct. When you find a good printer, stick to him; they are hard to find. THE SIZES OF CARDS THE LADY’S CARD The card of a lady is usually from about 234 inches in width by 2 inches high, to 314 inches wide by 234 inches high. THE YOUNG GIRL’S CARD A young girl’s card is smaller and more nearly square in shape. The height is usually about 2 inches, while the width, depending on the length of the name, varies from 214 to 25% inches. THE GENTLEMAN’S CARD The shape of a man’s card is somewhat different from either a lady’s or a girl’s. It is long and narrow, from 2% to 3% inches wide and from 114 to 1% inches high. CORRECT USE OF NAMES AND TITLES THE LADY'S TITLE The wife always uses the husband’s name as he uses it. If the husband’s cards are engraved “Mr. Walter Wallace J. Clarke,” the wife’s cards should read, “Mrs. Walter Wallace J. Clarke.” A married woman’s card should never be engraved “Mrs. Josephine Clarke”; at least to be in accord with best practices. It is required, 106 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS of course, that a woman sign her own Christian name to all business and legal documents. None but correspond- ents from banks or lawyers’ offices may address a woman as “Mrs. Josephine Clarke.” A widow’s card reads exactly the same as if her husband were alive—i. e., “Mrs, Walter Wallace J. Clarke,” unless her son, who has his father’s full name, marries. In such case the widow adds Sr. to her name. If she remains the head of the family, she may omit all Christian names and have her card engraved “Mrs. Clarke,” while the son uses “Mr. Walter Wallace J. Clarke,” without the Jr., and the daughter-in-law “Mrs. Walter Wallace J. Clarke.” When the son has discontinued the use of Jr. the daughter-in-law must also omit Jr. from her cards. A wife must always bear the name of her husband, as he uses it. If, for example, Mr. Clarke, Jr., and his mother, who has become a widow, have their cards engraved, respectively, Mr. Walter Wallace J. Clarke and Mrs. Walter Wallace J. Clarke, while the son’s wife continues the use of the Jr., and her cards read Mrs. Walter Wal- lace J. Clarke, Jr., one receiving all three cards would naturally infer that the trio were Mr. and Mrs. Clarke and their daughter-in-law. THE GIRL’S TITLE Girls over the age of sixteen always place “Miss” be- fore their names on cards. The Christian names must always be spelled in full. Nicknames must not be used. THE GENTLEMAN'S TITLE “Mr.” is always used on the correct gentleman’s card. The name in full is another requirement of the flawless 107 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS card. The use of initials, though universally practiced, is not correct. Every name should be spelled out in full, but since American custom clings to each name given in baptism, it is necessary that the name line be shortened in some way or other. High authorities assert that a name or two may be dropped. For example, Mr. Walter Wallace Johnson Clarke may become Mr. Walter Clarke or Mr. Walter Wallace Clarke. The prevalent custom, however, would be to make it Mr. Walter W. J. Clarke. THE BOYS TITLE Boys use “Mr.” on cards after leaving preparatory school. Some young men, however, use cards without the title even while in college. A son who has his father’s full name uses Jr. after his name. SPECIAL TITLES The doctor, minister, or military officer engraves his card with an abbreviation of his title, while a judge, regardless of his rank, uses simply “Judge,” not “Supreme Court Justice”; for example: Judge Jeremiah Johnson, the Rev. Grant Stickney, Dr. William Wells, Col. Walker Streight. ERRORS TO BE AVOIDED “Jr.” should never replace “Mr.” on a man’s card, the latter remaining when the former is used. When “junior” is spelled out, it should be with a small and not a large “j.” The name of her former husband may be retained by the woman who has divorced her husband; such is her social as well as her legal right (in New York State and in numerous other States). A woman whose name was 108 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Rita Brockton before marriage could use the name Mrs. Brockton Clark, but not Mrs. Rita Clark, and never Mrs. Rita Brockton. This last would give the impres- sion that she was responsible for the divorce, CHILDREN’S CARDS If the child is brought up in the way he shall go, his going is simplified. Early practice in the use of cards is as advisable as early practice in good manners in gen- eral. Children, of course, are not required to leave cards when calling, but cards may be attached to gifts and used On various special occasions. ADAPTABILITY OF CARDS The scope of usefulness of the card has in recent years been broadened to a point far beyond its original pur- pose. Instead of being used merely as evidence of the visit of one person at the home of another, it is used to-day in place of the written note of invitation to any kind of informal party. Messages of condolence, regret, congratulations, endorsement, and messages of many sorts are to-day written on the visiting card. On the other hand, in its original purpose the visiting card has been losing its prestige perceptibly. SEECIAL, CARDS AND WHEN TO USE THEM Cards engraved “Mr.” and “Mrs.” are used in paying formal visits, in sending wedding presents, with flowers to a funeral, or with flowers to a débutante. G. Man.— 109 THE BJOK OF GOOD MANNERS The double card engraved with the mother’s name and the débutante’s name is used most frequently when the formality of a coming-out entertainment has been dis- pensed with. The daughter’s name on the mother’s card is an announcement that the daughter is grown, and pre- pared to accept invitations. In like manner it is permissible for a mother to leave her son’s card with her own; that is, where it is proba- ble that entertainments for young people may be held. Such is the procedure when a young man has been away at school long enough for his acquaintanceship to have suffered. Moreover, it is correct at all times when for- mally leaving cards to leave those of all grown sons and daughters. ADDRESS NOTIFICATION CARDS Visitors in a strange city send cards to friends in that city with their temporary address written in ink in the lower left-hand corner. A lady visitor in town may also send such a card to any gentleman whom she would care to see, and who she is certain would care to see her. : If one is listed in the Social Register, but is neverthe- less desirous of informing friends of a change of address before a revised edition of the Register can be printed, one may send a card with the new address written in the lower left-hand corner. If one is not listed in the Regis- ter, it is, of course, necessary to send cards. THER. P. 20. GARD The P. P, C. card (pour prendre congé—to take leave) is just a visiting card with these initials written in ink in the lower left-hand corner, signifying that one is about 110 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS to depart for the season or permanently. The card is left at the door or sent by mail. This, however, does not take the place of a farewell visit if special courtesies or kindnesses have been received; nor is it considered an expression of thanks. In such cases either a visit should be paid or a farewell note written. WHEN TO SEND CARDS In notification of one’s intention not to attend a tea or a wedding, the invitation for which did not require an answer, one must mail a card in time to be received by the hostess on the morning of the entertainment. The ordinary visiting card is used as notification that one will not attend a tea for a débutante. Cards are inclosed in one envelope and addressed: Mrs. SLEIGHTON Miss SLEIGHTON 25 Boulevard New York Cards are also sent to the parents of the bride and to the bride and bridegroom when one is not going to attend a wedding reception, and in each case the envelopes are addressed Mr. and Mrs. It is correct to ad- dress the bride and groom in this way, because the cards . are to arrive on the morning of the wedding, and it is quite certain that by the time the cards are received the couple will be Mr, and Mrs. These formalities are courtesies to be applied when the R. s. v. p. does not appear, and one is not going to the affair. Bit THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS CARD LEAVING Card leaving is a courtesy expressive of thanks paid by dutiful members of society after dinners, luncheons, breakfasts, balls, weddings, christenings, musicales; in short, after attendance at any formal function whatso- ever, and upon receipt of invitations to any affair, to which special invitations were issued. Most often the busy woman fulfills her hospitality obligations by making the rounds of the houses to which she has received invita- tions, making no request to be received. Very often the chauffeur merely runs up the steps, leaves the cards and is away again. By this action the hostess knows that she has been formally thanked. The woman who has time, tries to see the lady of each house where she owes a duty- visit. But whether or not a caller is received the card- leaving etiquette is the same. Within three days after the holding of a forial affair cards should be left upon the hostess by all those who received invitations, whether or not the invitations were accepted. This act of courtesy may not be delayed longer than a week. Precedent in the locality in which you live should guide you in asking whether the lady is at home, ‘but promptness demands leaving the card if she is not. Cards are also left on the mother of both bride and bridegroom after the wedding. The polite mother of a débutante leaves her card and that of her daughter on every hostess who has invited the débutante. The courteous hostess returns the compli- ment although neither visit need be regarded as requiring further acquaintance. I12 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS A CARD UPON THE FRIEND OF A FRIEND If you happen to be visiting a lady who is stopping with a friend the question as to whether or not you should leave a card upon the hostess as well as on your friend is a matter requiring an analysis of the situation. If you would not be regarded as a social climber, it would be advisable in such a case not to leave a card on the hostess who is socially prominent, for a card left without explanation might give such an impression. If you are the more prominent person, leaving a card on the hostess might be a very nice little act, but might also prove an indiscretion, for you might later not wish to place the lady’s name upon your list. If, however, your brief acquaintance with the lady proves interesting to you, and seemingly to her, your better judgment might be sufficient to warrant leaving a card. WHEN A VISITING CARD IS A VISITING CARD The keeping of a regular visiting list and the regular exchange of visits are fast becoming unknown. The younger generation spends part of its time working and the other part playing, mostly in the great outdoors. With the exception of the absolutely obligatory calls, such as calls of condolence, visits to strangers and other similar courtesies, all of which are punctiliously kept, the calling custom is at such a stage of decline today that it may even now be called a thing of the past. Visiting cards, as previously stated in the beginning of this chapter, are seldom used for visiting. 113 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS WHEN CARDS MUST BE LEFT But there are occasions which unconditionally demand that cards be left. A first call must be returned. If one never makes a second, one must nevertheless call once upon a person who has paid an initial visit, unless something decidedly objectionable furnishes real cause for an action contrary to this iron-bound law of etiquette. On this return call one leaves cards. The person making the first call always leaves cards— this indication that the hostess is expected to return the call, though understood, must never be neglected. She may not have your card any more, and even if she has the leaving of more cards is an absolutely necessary and unquestionable assertion that she must make the next call at your house or temporary place of residence. Failure to leave cards might cause misunderstandings. In leaving or sending the first invitation one also leaves or sends a card. The formality of paying a first visit before issuing a first invitation is often dispensed with, a note of explanation being sent instead. With the note goes a card. This is admitted to be incorrect procedure, _ but it is being done by fashionable society today, If the pre-invitation visit is not made the note must be sent, but when an older lady invites a younger girl this is not necessary. The receipt of a first invitation requires that one leave a card within three days to a week of the date for which the invitation was given, whether the invitation was accepted or not. 114 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS After taking a first meal in a lady’s house one must return within a few days and leave a card. There is one last obligation to be listed and this is more important than any other. An acquaintance suffer- ing a bereavement must not be neglected, and the sick must likewise be remembered. A card must be left on, or flowers may be sent to, people in the former mentioned state of misfortune, while flowers or cards of inquiry are sent to the sick. Cards are usually left on the mother of the bride and the mother of the bridegroom after a wedding, by those who were present. CARD MESSAGES “To inquire” is written on a visiting card left at the house of sick persons where it is not possible to be received. Writing in pencil is permissible. “With heartfelt sympathy,” or “With sympathy” is written on the visiting card sent with flowers to a funeral, or it may be left at the door of the house of mourning when ‘one is not well enough acquainted to ask to be received. This message must be written in ink. When disappointed in not finding a lady at home, one may write in pencil, “Sorry not to have seen you,” or something similar. When a card is left for a lady living in an apartment or hotel, it is advisable to write her name in pencil on the card to insure its certain deliverance to the right lady. Unwritten messages are also conveyed by visiting cards, by turning down the corner. Different messages are transmitted in this manner by different people. Some 115 “~ THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS people mean to announce in this way that the visit is intended for all the ladies in the house. Others merely want to present evidence of having appeared in person; that the card was not sent in an envelope. Some turn down the corner and mean nothing. CORRECT NUMBER OF CARDS TO LEAVE The number of cards left by a visitor, whether or not the lady of the house is at home, is the same: one card of the visitor and one of her daughter’s for each lady of the house; one of her son’s and one of her husband’s for each lady and gentleman of the house. But never more than three cards of one person are left. If, for example, there are three grown daughters beside the lady of the house, a card on each would require four cards; but only three may be left. In this case one card is left for the lady of the house and only one for all the other ladies. Should there be a visitor at the house whom one has been invited to meet, another card, making three in all, would be left for the visiting lady. GALLS The correct hour for leaving cards and paying formal visits is between three thirty and four thirty. People are at home for informal calls to friends between five and SIX. OPENING THE DOOR TO A VISITOR The hall table in every house should hold a small card tray and a pad and pencil. There is a very nice pad to 116 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS be had at all stationers, the sheets of which may be folded into envelope form. The servant who answers the bell should have the card tray on the palm of the left hand ready to present. The correct servant never takes the card in his fingers. THE FIRST VISIT The older residents of a small town or a small country place always call first on strangers moving into the neighborhood, or they may invite the younger or less prominent to call on them. Courtesy would demand that the one invited respond. When the ladies are of equal age or position either one may make the first move by saying, “I would like very much to have you come and see me.” To which the other might reply, “I should be glad to.” More usually the first one shows a willingness to become acquainted by saying, “I should like to call on you if I may ;” to which the other can but reply, “I would like very much to have you come.” By speaking thus. the first lady made it obligatory for her to pay the second lady a visit. If she failed to do so it would seem an implication that on second thought she did not favor the possible acquaintanceship. All the guests at a wedding must call upon the bride on her return from the honeymoon. If the bride has come from a distant place she should be visited by the friends and neighbors of the groom just as soon as the couple are settled in their new home. First visits are also brought about through letters of introduction, as explained under the chapter on intro- ductions. 117 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS People who naturally seem to incline toward acquaint- anceship with one another may sometimes arrange visits upon the occasion of their first meeting. THE LADY OF THE HOUSE AT HOME On an “at home” day guests are shown right into the drawing room, the maid or waitress saying, “This way, please,” meanwhile going ahead as quickly as possible to present the card tray. The guest considerately lags be- hind to give the maid a chance to deliver the card, and to allow the hostess time to read the name. The guest entering the drawing room goes forward to shake hands with the hostess. Where there is a butler, he picks the card up from the trap and, opening the drawing-room door, announces the name of the arrival, thereafter placing the card on the hall table. The hostess rises to greet a visitor unless it be a very young woman or a man, or unless she is seated behind the tea table in a position from which it would be difficult to rise. If the visitor is a lady much older than herself or a lady of distinction, the hostess should always rise. If the lady of the house happens to be upstairs when a guest arrives, the servant leads the visitor into the re- ception room and asks him or her to have a seat. The card is then taken to the mistress of the house. WHEN THE GENTLEMAN CALLS It is not customary for men to pay visits without first telephoning, although the young man who has often been invited to dinner or to her opera box may two or three 118 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS times a season make a tea time visit upon the hostess. Generally, however, some woman member of his family leaves his card after a dinner or a dance, or else it is not left at all. A gentleman always asks if the hostess is at home. If it happens to be tea time and the gentleman is well known at the home, he leaves his hat, stick, coat, and gloves in the hall and is at once shown into the drawing room. If there are people present with whom the gentleman is not ' acquainted, he shakes hands with the hostess and bows slightly to all the others. He shakes hands with those of the guests who are friends, with all the men to whom he is introduced, and with the ladies, if they offer their hands; if not, he merely bows in acknowledgment. In paying visits of condolence or inquiring for a con- valescent when his reception may be doubtful, a gentle- man does not take off his coat or gloves, but waits in the reception room with his hat and stick in his hand. When he is informed that some one will receive him, whether it be the hostess, her daughter, or another lady of the house, the gentleman removes his coat and gloves and gives them to the servant, together with his hat and stick, to be taken out to the front hall. VISITS EVERYONE MUST MAKE There are visits which everybody must make, and upon which one must always ask to be received. A visit to a sick person shows thoughtfulness and kindly feeling, and it is always nice to bring gifts of books, fruit, flowers, or some other delicacy that it is known the sick person may eat and enjoy. 119 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS When a death occurs in the immediate family of a friend a visit of condolence should at once be paid. A lady writes a note of sympathy to a gentleman, but does not call on him. The announcement of the engagement of a relative requires that you go to see his fiancée. If she is not at home, you leave a card on her and her mother, but you do not ask to see the mother, whereas if she is at home you do ask to see her mother, after having been received by the daughter. Visits of congratulation are paid to new mothers, and gifts are taken for the baby. AN INVALID MAY VISIT BY PROXY It is not expected of invalids and people who have ex- treme difficulty in getting about to repay the visits of friends who are attentive and kind enough to frequently call upon them. Should a stranger leave cards on an invalid, another representative may repay the courtesy by leaving a card or even paying a visit; if a visit, the caller by proxy lays her own card and that of the person for whom she is calling upon the tray. When received by the hostess, she explains her appearance in place of the relative who cannot come. DURATION OF A VISIT A formal visit should be brought to a close in approxti- mately twenty minutes. On very formal occasions when other visitors are announced, the first arrival may shorten her visit. If the conversation is particularly interesting, 120 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the visit may be prolonged'a while, but on no account may a visitor stay an hour. POISE IN THE DRAWING ROOM Actions in the drawing room may well be considered as a barometer of the person’s breeding. The first im- pression is created when the arrival steps into the draw- ing room. A slight pause of literally a fraction of a second should be made in which a quick survey of the room should suffice to locate the hostess. People who rush into the room and then stand bewilderedly looking around to find the hostess, present a picture of awkward- ness. In the moment that one takes to discover the hostess one can also find the shortest and best means of access to her. When a man greets a hostess he pauses slightly while she smiles and offers her hand. He re- turns the smile, shakes hands and bows slightly. A lady also shakes hands with the hostess and with all those close by with whom she is acquainted, bowing to others of her acquaintance who are seated at a distance, and to strangers to whom she is introduced. The entrance gracefully accomplished, one must also be careful to carry out the remainder of the performance with equal poise. The greetings over, one looks about slowly for a convenient place to sit. One should not plunge suddenly into the first place that comes into sight, but slowly rather drop into a comfortable chair. A straight chair does not require its occupant to emulate its physical aspect, nor does an easy-chair require that one lump into it like a bag of grain. Dignity and ease should be combined in a sort of semi-relaxed posture. [21 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Comfort and ease should not be carried to extremes. It is perfectly well for a lady or a man to cross knees and to lean back in a chair, but the lady should not sit in such manner that her skirts come up to or above her knees ; nor should a gentleman rest on his collar bone and place one ankle on the other knee. To be quite proper a lady should sit with knees together and hands relaxed in her lap, or if she wishes she may cross her knees, keeping the one foot close to the other ankle. The hands may be rested on the arms of an easy-chair on informal occa- sions, but a lady in ball dress should not for beauty’s sake lean against the back of a chair. A gentleman on formal occasions should sit in the center of his chair. He may lean back on a straight chair. OTHER INFORMATION ON VISITS Ladies never pay party calls on gentlemen. For a gentleman who has given a dinner which was chaperoned by. his mother or sister or some other lady relative, cards should be left on the mother, sister, or lady relative. Though seldom done, it is nevertheless the height of correctness and good manners to pay dinner calls within twenty-four hours. When a gentleman accepts some one’s hospitality while his wife is away, it is correct for the wife to pay the party call with (or for) him, it being assumed that she would have been included had she been at home. A young girl may be accompanied by her fiancé on visits to repay members or friends of his family for calls made on her, but ordinarily a lady never calls on another “escorted” by a gentleman, nor does she make the first 122 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS visit to members and friends of her fiancé’s family, un- less requested to do so by note from an invalid or one in some other way incapacitated. A young man may call on a young girl as long as they mutually feel inclined to see one another. If you really feel that you have overstayed the time limit, it is advisable to promptly leave and say nothing about it. Remarks about having “stayed too long” or “hurrying off” or “talking too much” are out of place and seemingly stupid. Mentioning these faults merely accentuates the impropriety of having committed them. It should not be necessary to post a “hands off!” sign on the walls of a drawing or reception room. The well bred person never pokes, pushes, or handles people; the ill bred person immediately stamps himself as such by _ doing these things. If you are with two or more other people and wish to invite one of these people and not the other, wait until you have the one person alone; to invite one and not the other is very ill mannered. When you have decided to go, do so. With the deci- sion to go your conversation should have been completed. Don’t start a new chapter and meanwhile keep your hostess standing. When you are ready, simply rise, ex- press your delight at having come, say good-by and be off! If your hostess is on the point of going out just as you arrive, you should not detain her unless she insists that you come in. You should at any rate stay just a moment or two. During your stay you should sit comfortably and appear to be perfectly at ease, and after two or three minutes have passed say good-by, thus permitting the hostess to carry out her intention. 123 CHAPTER IX NOTES AND SHORTER LETTERS Notes and letters, like cards and visits, are matters of daily use in the lives of most people, so that this chapter, like the ones preceding, will be discussed irregardless of whether the matter is strictly formal or informal. The difference between the formal and the informal will, of course, be made plain. ORDERLINESS AND SIMPLICITY “Cleanliness is next to godliness,” and simplicity is next to that. It is difficult to imagine a cleanly person being disorderly. It is possible to put dirty things in order, but-even in the act of putting things in order, there is an attempt at cleanliness. Orderliness and cleanliness, being closely allied and standing next in line to godliness in the order of the virtues, it is clear that cleanliness and order- liness are prime requisites in the molding of character. Simplicity, in so far as taste is concerned, may not strictly be called a matter of character. Many people of sterling character have abominable taste. But taste does denote breeding, or the lack of it, to a very great extent. Simplicity of manners, dress, and in fact everything of personal description, unfailingly gives an impression of breeding. Nothing reflects so much one’s character and breeding as one’s letters. 124 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS DHE NEAT LETTER Good penmanship alone does not make the well-appear- ing letter. Legibility, enough space between lines, suffi- cient margin at the left, a slight margin at the right so that words do not run off the side of the page, and uniformity of writing and spacing, make the letter writ- ten by the poorest hand presentable and representative of the character of the writer. It is difficult for some people to write evenly and regularly. Unconsciously the lines begin running up- hill, and then the attempt to control this starts the lines going downhill. The guide lines supplied with practically all sets of writing paper should be em- ployed by those having such difficulty; the effort will be repaid in self-satisfaction. Perhaps some day sta- tioners will include in their sets cards with guide lines, to be slipped into the envelopes, the lines showing through to govern the spacing and direction of the writing on the envelope. Until then one must exercise extreme care in ‘addressing envelopes. SELECTION OF PAPER Good taste in writing paper does not permit of the use of ruled, scented or oddly shaped or highly colored paper. The paper may in a measure be selected for its adapta- bility to the style of penmanship of the individual. One writing a large hand should not select a small sheet, but rather a larger sheet; and, conversely, the one writing a tiny hand should not use a very large paper. The person who writes a long slender hand should select a paper 125 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS narrow and long; the short, spreading hand looks better on a paper more nearly square. A man’s stationery should preferably be white, though a slightly toned paper, of gray or granite, for example, is permissible. The size of a man’s sheet is always larger, about 6 by 8 inches. THE STAMPING Some families select a paper which may be used by all the members. The address is stamped in black or a dark color at the head of the first page. PERSONAL STAMPS Families having a crest or coat of arms have it blank- stamped at the head of their stationery. Artists, archi- tects, and professional people who may safely do so some- times have a little device indicative of their calling on their letter sheets. Such emblems are perfectly permis- sible (and this may also be taken as permission for the stamping of initials or monograms on stationery), but the selection must always be dignified and sensible. THE TELEPHONE NUMBER The telephone is such a daily necessity in the convey- ance of social messages to-day that it is not longer con- sidered incorrect to place it directly under the address, in very small type. In fact, some people put their telephone numbers on their stationery with a sort of a feeling that their doing so is a sign of consideration for the time and convenience of others. (As yet the telephone number has not appeared on visiting cards—perhaps some day it will appear there too; this is an age inconsiderate of cus- tom and precedent). 126 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The same paper may be made to answer for both let- ters and notes, by giving the note wider margins than the letter. Preferable, of course, is the use of note sheets and letter sheets for varying purposes. Cards cut to fit the envelope are frequently used. It is not correct form to have one’s name appear at the top of the letter sheet. THE ENVELOPE Needless to say, the envelope must match the sheet in color and texture. Simplicity should be carried out to the envelope. The flap should be plain and of conservative length. A pointed flap too long or too short gives the envelope back an inartistic design, but the square flap may extend well beyond the center. It is decreed that the flap be perfectly plain, but the utility of having the address stamped in very small type on the flap is undeniable, and the custom, though not authoritatively sanctioned, is fol- lowed by many people. Envelopes containing formal letters should, of course, be plain. Colored linings are the present fashion for girls and young women. White paper with a colored lining and monogram stamped on the sheet in a much lighter tint of the color of the lining is acceptable, but a conspicuous color should not be carried to the writing paper itself. MOURNING STATIONERY Cards and stationery with black edges are used by people in mourning. The breadth of the black page is selected in accordance with the personal taste and depend- ing upon the closeness of the relationship to the deceased. 127 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Deepest mourning is expressed by a very wide band, but the band should not exceed one-half inch in breadth. THE COMPOSITION OF AU LEP rEs THE DATE OR HEADING The date of a letter is properly placed in the upper right-hand corner, the first letter of the line beginning slightly to the right of the middle of the page and about an inch or more from the top of the sheet. It is also per- missible to write the date at the end of a letter after the signature, aligning with the left-hand margin. The date should not be written in all figures—that is, 3-4-23, but March 4, 1923. In private matters it seems rather un- becoming to write the date in full—that is, March third, nineteen hundred and twenty-three, though this is unde- niably correct in legal documents. At the end of a note the day of the week is sufficient unless the text of the note speaks of some future date as ‘next Wednesday,” for ex- ample, in which case it would be necessary to write the full date so the recipient may know which date is meant. In using stationery that is not stamped with the address at the head it is necessary to write the address, in all but formal notes, at the head. If the address contains a street direction, this precedes the name of the city, as: 43 Main Street, Atlanta, Georgia, December 20, 1922. If there is no street direction, the name of the city and State may be written on one line, preceding the date. Amityville, Georgia, December 20, 1922. 128 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS It is incorrect to abbreviate the words “Street” or “Avenue,” nor should the name of town, city, or State be abbreviated. It is likewise incorrect to add, st, nd, d, rd, or th after the Arabic numeral of the date; June 4, 1922, is correct. THE SALUTATION Friendly Following are proper salutations for letters of friend- ship: My dear Sir, My dear Madam, My dear Mr. Jones, My dear Miss Jones, My dear John, My dear Sally, Increasingly intimate salutations such as: Alice dear, Dearest Alice, Dear Alice, Darling Alice, may be used where the occasion warrants, “My dear Mrs. Jones” or “Dear Mrs. Jones” are most frequently used at the beginning of a formal social letter. Business After the statement of the full name and address of the firm to whom the letter is written the following saluta- tions, beginning on the left, directly under the name of the firm, may be used: My dear Sir: My dear Madam: Gentlemen: Ladies: Dear Sirs: Dear Ladies: 129 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Messrs. must never be used alone as a salutation, but is decidedly correct when used as follows: Messrs. P. F. Collier and Son Company, New York, New York. Gentlemen: Neither is it correct to use a name alone as a salutation; the address of the person addressed should always follow. THE COMPLIMENTARY CLOSE Friendly For the general personal note or letter, “Yours very truly,” or “Yours sincerely” are proper complimentary closings. The ending to a formal social note is “Sincerely,” “Sin- cerely yours,” “Very sincerely,” or “Always sincerely yours.” The complimentary close should stand on a sepa- rate line beginning with a capital, in about the middle of the page from side to side. Only the first word of the line is capitalized. If the form “Believe me,” whicl is still considered formally correct (‘I remain, dear madam,” has passed out of use), is used, the “Believe me’’ is placed on a separate line, as shown below: Believe me, Yours always sincerely, or Believe me, my dear Mrs. Welnoan, Very sincerely yours, A man may very appropriately close by saying “Faith- fully yours” or “Faithfully” in writing to a woman, or 130 | THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS in letters to important functionaries such as a congress- man, an ambassador, a clergyman, or a president of the United States, or a State governor. Intimate For those who desire such use, “Devotedly,” ‘“Affec- tionately,” “Lovingly,” or “Affectionately yours,” “Your loving” are all permissible, being subject merely to indi- vidual taste and feeling. Business “Respectfully” is only used commercially, and then only by a tradesman to a customer, and employee to an employer, or by an inferior. No lady ever signs a letter “Respectfully,” regardless of whom she may be writ- ing to. She may say in writing to a lady of the nobility, “T have the honor to remain, madam, your most obedi- ent.” “Yours truly” or “Yours very truly” are the gen- eral business forms for closing a letter. THE SIGNATURE The name of the writer of a letter as it is customarily used should be placed at the end after the complimentary close. ‘“‘Mrs.” or “Miss” are only used in signatures to notes in the third person and then they are placed in parentheses. If Mrs. Johnson, whose name before mar- riage was Alice Maxwell, writes a letter to a bank or other business firm, she signs ‘Alice Maxwell Johnson,” and places her full marriage name below and in line with the left margin: that is (Mrs. Walker T. Johnson). An unmarried lady writing to a bank or business firm places the Miss in parentheses before her full name. 131 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE SUPERSCRIPTION The title “Esquire” should be used to denote a man of education or particular professional or literary standing. All gentlemen are not necessarily addressed with this title. Engraved invitations are addressed “Mr.” Invitations to children are addressed “Miss”. and “Master.” When there are two or more daughters, the elder or oldest is addressed ‘‘Miss Johnson,” the others “Miss Sarah Johnson” and “Miss Louise Johnson.” Father and son are never addressed as the “Messrs. Wellworthy,” as this address applies only to unmarried brothers. If father and mother, as well as the daughter, are receiving invitations, the daughter should receive a separate invitation, addressed “Miss Johnson.” A mar- ried woman or a widow is addressed, Mrs. John T. Watt, not Mrs. Sarah Watt. SEQUENCE OF PAGES The note that is too long for one page runs over to the third page, and from thence to the second if necessary, leaving the fourth page blank. When envelopes with linings are used, it is permissible to write on the fourth page as well. Letters may be written on pages one, two, three, four in the regular order. Many prefer to go from page one to page four, then back to page two, turning the sheet sideways and treating the two pages as one whole sheet. The 1-3-2-4 order is also customary. Though all of the orders mentioned above are sanc- tioned forms, the simple 1, 2, 3, 4 sequence seems most unpretentious and desirable. 132 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS mr SOCTALVNODE The following example of a social note will speak clearly for itself. With the exception of the text of the note, this style may well be adopted for those who have stamped stationery. Dear Mrs. LoveLace: I have requested Fitzgerald Brothers to send you a catalogue of plays, of which I already have a copy. This list contains so many really delightful playlets and tableaux that I am sure we will find little difficulty in selecting a splen- did program for our entertainment. When you receive this catalogue I would like so much to have you come to see me. We will have a quiet little chat and at the same time manage to fur- ther the business of arranging for the bazaar. Awaiting the pleasure of seeing you, I am, Very sincerely, HELEN Hearn, Wednesday LETTERS OF THANKS It is in the matter of writing a letter of thanks that one may show clearly the amount and quality of his breeding. It is not necessary in thanking a person for a gift or favor to become unnecessarily profuse, nor should the zestful flow of youthful expression be smothered or stultified in pretentious or self-conscious endeavor. A simple, straightforward statement of appreciation is best. 133 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THANKS FOR WEDDING PRESENTS Presents received by a couple are considered as belong- ing to the bride. Letters of thanks for the presents, how- _ ever, are made expressive of gratitude on the part of both bride and groom. Those thanked are usually addressed in the name of the lady of the house, and even though the man is not mentioned the thanks are understood to be directed to both people. Simplicity and sincerity are the most desirable features to be attained. Below are three letters of thanks for wedding presents which may be considered generally expressive and rep-. resentative: Dear Mrs. WELLWoRTHY, Every half hour with the striking of the clock, I am reminded of you and your wonderful gift. The chimes are just the sort of chimes I have always admired so much. It was wonderfully sweet of you, and I am sure the clock will never fail to remind me how grateful I am. Very sincerely, Lucite LAMONT DraR Mrs. APPLEBY, Thank you so much for the beautiful figure. It is going to be very sweet as a centerpiece on the dinner table. Thank you very much. You are surely coming to the wedding, aren’t your Very sincerely, LuciLLE LAMONT. 134 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS DEAR Mrs. WELNOAN: I never dreamed I would be so fortunate as ever to be the owner of so wonderful a piece of Wedgewood Pottery. The fruit dish is indeed very stunning and I am more grateful than words can express. Affectionately, LuciLLeE LAMONT. TO INTIMATE FRIENDS OF THE GROOM DEAR Mrs. Brooks, George and I were indeed delighted with the superb mirror. It reflects your wonderful spirit. We wish we could find suitable utterance to express our thanks. Do come in on Thursday and have an advance view of the gifts. With love from both of us, and thanking you again, Affectionately, HELEN. VERY INTIMATE DEAR UNCLE GEORGE: You old dear, you are too generous and kind, and I feel that you should not have done it. But I am so excited over the prospect of driving my own little roadster !—when I have become a chauffeurette I want you to call upon me to drive you here or there. I shall be “at your service !” Affectionately, HELEN. 135 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Thanks for presents sent after a wedding, Christmas presents, presents for a baby, and gifts for like occasions are expressed in the same general way as the examples above. Sincerity is one of the prime requisites in all letter writing, and a clear expression of gratefulness usually brings a feeling of pleasure to the heart of the donor. THE BREAD AND BUTTER LETTER A letter of thanks must unfailingly be sent the hostess whose hospitality you have accepted for a week-end, or longer, or for a day or more on any occasion. The letter must be sent within a few days after the visit; failure so to do is the height of rudeness. It is always possible to think of some pleasant incident that occurred On your visit and to write your letter around this theme; but of course it should not be made to sound as though this one incident was the only pleasant thing that happened. The following example may serve as a guide in writ- ing a note of thanks for a number of days’ stay at another’s home. | Dear Mrs. RIvErRs, I still seem to feel all about me the wonderful atmosphere of your pretty little cottage at Pleasantville. Consequent thoughts and the effect of a few days’ stay in such a paradise as. that surrounding your place serve as a stimulant that makes city life more pleasant. Thanks a thousand times for asking me. I am sure 136 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS those of us who meet here in the city will often find a topic of conversation in recalling the splendid time we had at Pleasantville. Thanking you again for your kindness to me Sincerely yours, ALMA WALKER. THANKS ARE ALWAYS WRITTEN A printed or engraved form of thanks is quite as rude as using a rubber stamp for a signature. This com- parison is rather extreme, but it seems to measure in a way the feeling that one might have upon receipt of a printed card of thanks. Only public officials may take the liberty of sending anything but written letters of thanks for congratulations, or for sympathy in a case of death of a family member. HE NOTE OF \APOLOGY An example of a note of apology and its correct use may be found in Chapter III of Part I. REQUESTING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Very intimate friends have no difficulty in obtaining letters of introduction from one another to each other’s friends. In fact, when one knows that an intimate friend may be going to another city, one should save that person the trouble of asking for introductions to friends one may have in that city. But it is not fair to ask a letter of introduction from any Dut intimate friends. Formal acquaintanceship 137 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS furnishes no basis for making such a request, and a courteous refusal is very likely to be the outcome of asking a letter of introduction from an acquaintance of short duration, for discretion argues against so favoring the comparative stranger. Nor is it right to ask a letter of introduction for one whom the writer of the letter does not know. The only instance in which the last rule may be strained a point is for the occasion of serving a near relative, or for urgent business or charitable reasons, and this only when it is impossible to bring writer and bearer together. But a refusal even in this case should cause no annoyance, for the obliging intimate has the privilege and may have sufficient and good reason for declining. | Some considerate people prefer to go without letters of introduction rather than request a favor which might prove embarrassing. Persons pleasantly associated for a number of years are usually delighted to display their confidence and good will, somewhat like this: “During the next two months I shall spend considerable time in Chicago and its immediate vicinity and I shall be alone. I wonder if you would ask some of your friends to call upon mer! Or like this: “My father and I are going to be in Savannah this winter. Could you give us a letter or two of introduction?” Tactless or presumptuous acquaintances may occasion- ally without encouragement offer letters of introduction, 138 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS but these may be civilly refused by saying that time will not permit their use. GIVING OR WITHHOLDING INTRODUCTORY LETTERS Old friends very properly offer one another letters of introduction. If, however, there are strong doubts of good consequences developing from a letter, the desire to serve should be restrained. If a very dear friend asks for a letter to a person whom you have reason to suspect would not care to meet your friend, your duty to both the friend and the other person demands an evasion. You may very discreetly say: “I think, if you don’t mind, I had better write and see if I cannot arrange to have Mrs. Blank call upon you; she is such a busy person.” If a letter of introduction on behalf of a stranger— and if you write a letter for a stranger you must make known to the one addressed the fact that the person is a stranger—is not honored, you must not be disappointed. Letters introducing sons, daughters, nephews or nieces of friends to your relatives may be issued even upon slight acquaintance with the bearer of the letter. A relative of a friend may safely be introduced by letter to a distant business acquaintance, but for the stranger, friends of friends,—never—except in unusual cases. Refusals should always be amiably softened, for gentleness is the underlying virtue of culture, You may say, “I fear I do not know Mrs. Blank well enough to give you a letter to her,’—or (if such is actually the case) “I know Mrs. Blank to be at present so preoccupied 139 THE: BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS that I do not think I had better make any further de- mands on her time just now.” Never hesitate to admit that you are not sufficiently well acquainted with a person to send anyone with credentials from you. Consideration for those burdened with distress or misfortune of any nature whatever, or to those preparing for removal, renovation, or for a special function such as a wedding, should serve as a deterrent from adding to their problems. As a rule a man writes ahead on behalf of his femi- nine friends, asking his friends to be kind to Miss Blank, who will post her cards to them announcing her arrival in their neighborhood. The acceptance and presentation of letters of introduc- tion are discussed in Chapter III of Part I. THE CARD OF INTRODUCTION Gentlemen very often give introductions to one another by merely writing “Introducing Mr. So-and-So” on the card of the man making the introduction. A private let- ter is then sent by mail telling the other gentleman that Mr. So-and-So is coming. The letter would read some- what as follows: DEAR JAMIESON: Ronald Trell is coming to Baltimore on a short business trip. I have given him a card of intro- duction to you. You will find him a very agree- able and worthy sort, and I am sure that some of his many anecdotes and experiences will 140 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS prove very entertaining to you and Mrs. Jamie- son. Perhaps you can arrange for him at the club. I know he will appreciate whatever you may do for him. Faithfully, IRVING PAINE. LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION ON ENGAGEMENT DEAR JANE: We have been rather anticipating the good news, so that while we are not entirely surprised, we are indeed pleased. We have all been very fond of Tom. His fine character and disposi- tion are worthy of the splendid reward, lucky fellow! We send you both every good wish for a bright and happy future. Affectionately, WILMA LITTLE. DEAR JANE: You cannot expect, my little dear, that I be capable of expressing all my wishes for your happiness. Give Charles my love and say I think him very lucky. May all the fortunes of joy and happiness come to you both. Lovingly, AUNT ELLEN. DeAR CHARLES:. You are a lucky fellow! Jane is such a won- derful little woman, and, of course, we don’t think that you had all the luck either! If ever old friends wished others well, you may be sure G. Man,—F I41 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS that we wish you both the best possible fortune anl happiness, WILMA AND JEAN LITTLE. ON APPOINTMENT TO OFFICE DEAR GEORGE: Merit does not go unrewarded. How often you have stated that there is no short cut to suc- cess, and now you have proved your case! Were we called upon to make the appointment for the position, we could not think of anyone more fitted than yourself. We know that you will do everything humanly possible to bring honor to the office and to your country. Please give my love to Evelyn and tell her how much we con- gratulate you both. Very sincerely, ELsizE YOUNG. DEAR ALLEN: Your appointment is a source of much gratifi- cation among your acquaintances here, and our sincere wishes for the utmost success go with you. With more of your type in the executive chambers there would be a more steadfast ad- herence to proper principles. Hearty congratu- lations ! WILLIAM WADSWORTH. ON SUCCESS DEAR GEORGE: We have read with pleasure the announcement of the selection of your painting by the academy, 142 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS and though we feel success is great, we hope that it is only the beginning of what is to follow. May we in the near future have occasion very frequently to offer “our best congratulations !” Sincerely, JoHN SMITH. Dear Mrs. WELLWorRTHY: The news of Donald’s success was indeed received with great pleasure. How splendid he is! And how proud you must be of him! We are all so glad for him and for you. Please give him our love and congratulations. Affectionately, Louise Brown. LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE In the throes of sadness and heartaches, a pat on the back and a clasp of the hand is a little lift to the burden to be borne. If you can make your letter take the place of such action, it will mean more than a page of eulogy. Flowers at a funeral are more or less a formality, but the handclasp and a word of encouragement are the things that make those in sorrow bear up bravely. The handshake is brief, but if properly given comes from the heart of one and goes to the heart of another. Make the letter of condolence as brief and yet as warm as the heart- felt handshake. Say what you mean, and if you really mean it, the words themselves, regardless of grammatical expression, will show their true worth. Topics irrelevant to the expression of sympathy should be excluded. 143 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The following examples are meant merely as a gen- eral guide to simple and concise expression in a letter of condolence. TO AN ACQUAINTANCE DEAR Mr. SMITH: Though not very intimate with you and your family, I do nevertheless know what it means to suffer a loss such as yours, and I feel that I must tell you how deeply I sympathize with you and yours. Sincerely, RicHArD NEVINS. TO A FRIEND Dear JOHN: It is very difficult to find words expressive of my deep sympathy for you and your family in your great sorrow. If there is anything I can do that will help you in any way, you have but to say what it is and I shall be very grateful for the opportunity of assisting. Sincerely, JAMES JONES. TO A NEAR RELATIVE Dearest MARTHA: Words must in this case be the harbingers of sympathy and regret! Yet, where in the myriads of printed pages can I find words to bring my love to you! Be brave! Sincerely, ESTHER. T44 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS DEAREST ESTHER: My heart is overflowing with love for you, and how I wish that love could do something for ere Sincerely, MARTHA. WHEN DEATH BRINGS RELIEF When the All-Powerful Hand brings to an end suffer- ing of long duration, one must be very sincere, and sin- cerity must be so expressed as not to have a demoralizing effect. One should not intimate that it was “for the best,” for those in bereavement cannot always feel so about it. A particular case comes to mind. It is that of a mother who never left her rooms throughout the fourteen years that her daughter was confined to a chair. The child required constant and almost incessant atten- tion, frequent dressings were made, bandages had to be sterilized—all of which the mother insisted on doing her- self—the child had to be shifted to different positions, and her infant mind had necessarily to be kept in the humor that made her hopeful to the end. The heroism displayed by this woman constitutes greatness not to be exceeded. Could anyone tell such a mother it was “all for the best”! She was prepared to care for that child until she herself was old-and feeble; this was her life work, her only devotion. Could one write to her of long suffering and sorrow? One might say: Now, when the calling away of your dearest brings such unbearable sorrow, please let me offer my love. Let me help to give you the strength necessary to bear so heavy a burden. 145 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS NOTES IN THE THIRD PERSON Only formal notes of invitation, acceptance or regret, or notes to stores and subordinates are to-day written in the third person. One might write to a servant: Mrs. Rich wishes Jerry to take Herbert to the studio at 2.30 this afternoon and to call back for him at 4:00. She wishes also to have him stop in at Davis’s to get the flowers she ordered. Friday, June 4. The note in the third person usually goes unsigned, unless it serves as an order on a merchant which requires a signature for identification. In this casé a woman may prefix a “Mrs.” to her name. Letters written in the third person make cumbersome reading and should hence be avoided in longer notes, unless formal. 146 > UI[OULIAA (iqqey 10) “Aq reed :Souor Joy Vy 1veaq :souor doustg 1vep AW IG Ivap puv puaTOAeY SOW : SUSTIMIG INOX :souor (‘AP[ JO) “iq 10g :seuo0r “1 Ivoq :seuo0r ‘Jj ved IO :JOISIDIP "IW 1v0d : LOPBSsequULYy “1j_ 1Beq :souor 10AV Iv8eq > Souof JOUIBAOD Iv90g > Seuo0r “1 1v0q pus : UBUISSOISUOD Iv9q :souosr 10}8u0g Iv9q : AIVAIOY “AP Ie3p AW :seuor Solisnye ‘Ay 1e0g > JSP selg ‘IT 1vep AW NOILYLOATYS IVWHOANI :1Ig 1v9q :1IG Ivep puv pudsIIADY aAoge SY 111g IVOP PUL PUSIEASY BOW : OOUSUTIMIG, ANOZ [1g 1vop AI 10 ee 7 JIS 1Bop AW 10 re fy ; AOUGT[OOXM ANOA ‘A$2}.1N00 UT 10 24S ; AOUD[[OOXA ANOK 24119 Iv9q Io 2 41S : AoUST[eoOXM INO, sA0qge sy @A0ge SY : dig 1Bv3q 10 21g NOILLVLGTVS TYWHOAT JULIS9}JOIg 10 DI[Oq BO ‘doysig doysiqua1y dTfouyeoO-ueMcy [BeaIpsie2O UVUASLO[O UBIS3}OIg [nsucg AIVIJUOLOMIUs[q JO SIUlWL jopessequy IOABIN IOUIBA0N dIN}{LIS]ZO'T Jo AoqMIO| 10 ueUIssaIsU0g [VuoI}eN 10 93819—.10}]8ueg IOQMoyy JOUIQeO 1InoOD coWlseLdng jo sorjsne oliqndey @ JO WspPIsesg-oo1A JO JUSP{selg eUL GHOVNOSUHd FHL QJNILIYM NI SHOVNOSUYd INVLYOdWI ONISSHAGCAV 147 LL LL oLeyng ‘ ; ‘TeH AND ‘ATINJUVY SINOK sabeocratigl ones ree Foy oe | rokUW ‘IOAVW OY} LOUOTT STE ! 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Possessed of the “know how” and the ambition to improve, most anyone can, however write a letter that will please the average recipient. Letter writing, like many other of the chivalric courtesies and duties, is un- fortunately on the decline. Many people abhor having ta write letters. Perhaps it is because they experience diffi- culty and are not pleased with the letters they write. With the hope that the reader is one of the number who, though not frequent letters writers, are nevertheless de- sirous of improving those letters which necessity de- mands, the few following brief instructions are dedicated: BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING! The successful story-teller tries to interest the reader with the very first sentence. Shakespeare in “Macbeth” in a few lines of the first scene strikes the keynote to the entire tragedy. Since every letter is in a measure a story, the matter of creating interest may be accomplished in precisely this same way. The old-fashioned school method of dividing a “composition” into an introduction, body and conclusion is not the best method for obtaining interest. Master writers dispense with the “introduction” and go directly about their business of telling the story. I5I THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Begin at the beginning! A few attempts will convince you that this is not so difficult as it sounds and you will find that you yourself are beginning to take more inter- est in the letters you write. As each one improves and your correspondence increases you will take a greater pride in writing pleasing letters. Your responses will be more interesting, which is a sure sign that your corre- spondents have noted your improvement. Of course, the success of a letter does not depend wholly upon the be- ginning. The entire letter may speak of several different subjects, and yet present a unified and connected whole. If, for example, your first paragraph tells of a sleighing party which was a joyous and hilarious occasion, and in your next paragraph you wish to tell about a funeral, even two such paragraphs need not appear as two en- tirely distinctive parts of a letter. The funeral para- graph may begin somewhat like this: “And after such an enjoyable evening came a very sorrowful morning. Poor Kitty!” etc. By carrying the thought of the first para- graph momentarily into the next and connecting the two, you obtain coherence, and your letters are not rambling, unconnected discourses. WHEN AN APOLOGY IS REQUIRED Most people postpone their letter writing so long that ultimately an apology becomes necessary. And the longer the delay the more difficult it is to begin to write, and the harder the beginning the less desirous one be- comes of starting at all. When you are in this position don’t begin by asking the other person to excuse you be- - cause you hate to write letters, for this seems rather a reflection on your interest in the other person. Haven't 152 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS you often received a letter with such a beginning and thought to yourself, “It’s too bad about her, but if it causes her so much inconvenience to write me a little letter I had rather spare her the trouble?” And do you then blame people who receive such introductions from you for feeling the same way? Wouldn’t a beginning like this be better: “You haven’t been thinking for a min- ute that I have forgotten you, have you, Anna dear? You know that here in the city one’s time is not one’s own and that dear friends must often be shamefully neglected in the hustle and bustle for the daily bread.” Or perhaps you might say: “It seems that some unkind spirit has tried to prevent my writing you, but my deter- mination was victor over the will of the other.” LETTERS PROMPTLY ANSWERED ARE EASILY ANSWERED One who forms the habit of promptly responding to correspondence eliminates much of the difficulty incurred by others who procrastinate. How simple it is to merely say: “How delighted we all were when we noticed your handwriting on one of the letters of this morning’s mail! And yours was the first letter to be opened!” And how easily one can go on from such a beginning answering questions and retorting to statements contained in the letter received. Usually one attains a smooth running letter by answering another while all the news is fresh in mind. Obligations promptly performed are the source of little annoyance. STOP AT THE ENDING! When the end of your story is reached—stop! If you were reading a book in which the author rambled on 153 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS indefinitely after you felt the story was finished, you would lay the book aside. Closing a letter is like taking leave, the instructions for which are, “When you have decided to go— go!” Talking about going, meanwhile keeping the hostess standing impatiently waiting for you to carry out your decision, is poor etiquette. Talking about ending a letter and not doing so is poor letter writing. The close of the letter may be considered anal- ogous to the formality of the hand shake. In an intimate letter it is even quite permissible to mention practically — the same words that one could utter in taking leave of a friend, for example, “Good-by dear, for today,” Lovingly, LOUISE. If the idea that the closing takes the place of the hand- shake in leaving is kept in mind, it will not be difficult to remember that the end of the letter should form the personal connecting link between two people. That is, the last sentence or sentences should preferably mention in some way both you and the other person, or some incident in which you both took part or were interested. For example: “I walked down the old boardwalk this evening and how the boards seemed to creak and cry ‘Where is Charlie? Where is Charlie?” Or “The old flat bottom boat seems to miss your weight in the back, and the fish don’t seem to bite as they used to,” or something of similar nature. Such a close brings also the desire of the recipient to respond in kind. 154 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS TOPICS TO AVOID Gloom—Calamity—Petty Misfortune If you have no pleasant topics to write about, don’t throw a wet blanket on the joy and peace of mind of your friends by communicating pessimistic apprehensions, borrowed trouble and petty misfortunes. Perhaps it would be better to postpone writing until the sun shines. Words are hard, inflexible symbols, and the person at a distance who has not all information and is not able to judge fully of all existing circumstances may picture a trifling annoyance to be a cataclysmic catastrophe. Your friends are not interested to know that last Friday you stumbled and nearly fell, inasmuch as you did not fall and were not hurt, or so long as there was not even grave possibilities of a serious accident. It is not productive of much sympathy for “Poor Mrs. Brown” who has so much difficulty controlling her un- truly children; and if this world is “going to blazes” why fill your letters with such sorrowful news when news- paper reporters are far more capable of spreading the gospel to a greater number of people than can be reached by your letters. 33 THE “I, I,” LETTER AND THE “VOID” Successful writers of autobiographies, though writing solely and mainly about themselves, artfully place them- selves in the background as much as possible. The pre- dominant and preponderant use of the personal pronoun in the first person constitutes hideous repetition, and from the viewpoint of interest is absolutely detrimental. If 155 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS you were a party to a really interesting occurrence the relating of the incident cannot be made effective by giving too much attention to your part, unless, of course, you played the major part; and even then the story can be told in such a way as to minimize the mention of your- self. To merely catalog a series of everyday actions and occurrences such, for example, as going shopping and buying this, that and the other thing, some of which are becoming to you and not becoming to so and so, etc., etc., would probably prove dull and uninteresting to your best friends, even though enthused over by you. Letters of the “I, I” type are really one of the class called “blank” or “void” letters. They are constituted of mere words and in so far as interest and the furtherance of friendship are concerned, say nothing and accomplish nothing. Many people set out to write a letter merely because they are obligated to do so. They have nothing to say—and of course, say nothing. Such is the typical “blank” letter. The busy person may have little to say in a letter, but a little is better than nothing. If you have only a little to say, say that little and close. You will then at least not be infringing on the good time of your friends, nor will you be trying their patience and endur- ance. Their opinion of you will be enhanced by the constant receipt of short letters that say something while letters that say nothing create poor impressions. Below is an example of a short letter that is nevertheless com- manding of respect: DEAR MARTHA, Some of these days a Jim Wallingford or a Jessie James is coming to Somberville and I am 150 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS going to have volumes to tell you. Today it is the same old town with its dingy little streets (with the exception, of course, of Main Street), its rickety old Town Hall, the post office and the grocery store. Until Wallingford comes or something else that’s startling happens we are destined to go on in the same old way. Sincerely yours, ELIZABETH. THE PRETENTIOUS APOLOGIST Some people systematically and regularly apologize for everything offered at their homes. They speak of the poor food they served, and are “grateful” to you for coming to their humble homes. Needless to say this is in bad taste, when spoken or written. PERSONAL REFLECTIONS Punsters and wits are amusing personages, but when their quips and jests are put on paper it is very often difficult to soften the little sting which in personal contact is taken away by the smile and the pat on the back. NEVERS AND DON’TS FOR WOMEN LETTER WRITERS Never, unless engaged, write anything to a man that might be termed “sentimental.” Don’t ever say anything that might be interpreted as being eager for a man’s attention. Never ask a man for explanations, for this implies intimacy. 157 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Never correspond with a man with whom you are but slightly acquainted. Don’t say what you don’t mean. Read over your let- — ters, particularly those written to men or those mention- ing men even in an offhand way, to avoid the possibility of making statements that might be misinterpreted. Re- reading may show that you don’t mean what you say. Never write “gossipy” or “catty” inferences about other people. These things are bad enough when passed by word of mouth, but seem so much harsher and smaller when placed in black and white—and they may prove dangerous in more ways than one. NEVERS AND DON’TS FOR MEN LETTER WRITERS Topics to be avoided by men correspondents are largely the same as those listed above for the guidance of women. A few may-be added or emphasized. Never does a gentleman in the least compromise a woman in any way—and in a letter such a thing is simply out of the question. Never write letters belittling the character or intentions of another man. Never discuss matters of a delicate nature in corre- spondence either to a man or a woman. MATTERS OF FORM TO BE AVOIDED Letters with blots and scratched out portions or era- sures should rather be rewritten if one is particular about the impressions created by his letter. 158 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Letters must always be written in ink unless the writer is in a place where ink is not obtainable. Sickness may also be presented as an excuse for using pencil. Letters of invitation, acceptance or regret or social notes, should never be typewritten. 159 CHAPTER XI GOOD MANNERS IN TRAVELING AT HOME When circumstances temporarily bring strange people together, the test of patience is automatically applied. The long hours spent on a railroad train or boat pass pleasantly enough when traveling companions are well mannered. And being well mannered on board train or boat consists primarily in being considerate of others. A few reminders on general behavior, mentioned in numerous other chapters in this book, will suffice to show briefly that the general principles of good manners are the same wherever civilized people congregate. BOARDING A RAILROAD TRAIN If, as you approach the steps to the train, there is a lady somewhere very near you, permit her to board first. If she is more than about twenty feet away, you need have no scruples about boarding first, unless she happens to be an elderly lady carrying a bag and there are no train attendants about, in which case you may offer to help her. If you are very kind, you will accompany the elderly lady ‘to her seat and put her baggage in place. You need not sit with her if you do not care to, but the point is that many men seem to pretend not to see that there is a lady directly behind, and jump on to the 160 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS train first. The gentleman sees!—he considers seeing a part of his duty to society. And, moreover, these little courtesies not only make traveling more pleasant and agreeable, but shows of chivalry and gentleness tend to draw such things to the attention of those who are care- less and forgetful, and in this respect may be considered . a service to humanity in general. Don’t be afraid to lift a lady’s bag on to the train or into the pockets overhead ; . she will not, if she is a lady, consider you servile, but gentle. Of course a gentleman follows a lady with whom he is traveling through the aisles. In getting off, he goes first so that he may assist the lady. A lady follows this course when traveling with a lady who is her senior, and young men show older men the same courtesy. ON BOARD THE TRAIN Once on board and comfortably seated, maintain rea- sonable quietness. Don’t incessantly parade up and down the aisle. If you are accompanied, talk in such a tone as to be heard by nobody but your companion. If your stories are funny and you wish to give them wider cir- culation, perhaps you can get the conductor’s ear; he is paid to ride on trains and perhaps he can stand more than mere travelers. WINDOWS AND WINDOW SEATS If a lady, elderly man, or child has trouble opening a window, you may offer to help. A respectful traveler gives a woman or senior companion of the same sex the window seat, unless that person prefers the other. The thoughtful person is also mindful of the regulation of the 161 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS window and consults a seat companion as to her or his pleasure. ODORS Many people find difficulty in traveling because the movement of the train or boat acts as an irritant. The slightest odor of any kind is likely to make them ill, In deference to those among the passengers who are so un- fortunate one should avoid the use of flagrant perfumes in traveling. Fruits, such as bananas and oranges, should not be eaten. Apples, plums, pears, sandwiches, or crackers are more permissible. CHILDREN The child well trained will, of course, be less unruly on a long journey than one whose training has been neglected. The home is a fine place to begin training. Home training saves a deal of embarrassment, annoyance, and the necessity of scolding and threatening in public. Diversion of some kind should be planned beforehand to keep children interested. A puzzle or picture book will suffice to keep them reasonably quiet. There are some things that parents should not permit children to do on trains. Running up and down the aisles, touching and tugging the garments of parents and others, and boisterous laughter or incessant chatter are some of these. THE YOUNG WOMAN ALONE A well-behaved young woman is as safe on the great railroads as she is on the local elevated or subway trains. She does not permit strange men to intrude upon her reserve. Those who are courteous to her, who open win- ; 162 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS dows, hold doors or get Pullman chairs or seats on the observation platform are given a polite, “Thank you.” One does love companionship on a long journey, and if a girl permits a young man of quite certain character to open a conversation the talk should be limited to imper- sonal topics. Specific information as to her destina- tion, etc., does not concern strangers and should not be given. However, a traveling acquaintanceship does not give a girl permission to let a young man go to the dining car with her, and certainly not to pay her bills! Nor should she consent to his offer to take her to her stop- ping place on arrival at her destination. If the friends who were to meet her do not appear, she should consult a station attendant to recommend a reliable taxi or bus driver. LADY TRAVELERS AND ESCORTS As elsewhere made plain, ladies do not travel accom- panied by escorts. ‘They may travel alone, but for a lady to make a long journey in the company of a man is an unheard-of instance in decent society. Books that sanc- tion such things and go on to say that the “escort must pay all the bills’ are simply preposterously mistaken. There is no way in which such a thing can be done. Even when a gentleman goes with a lady on a journey of sev- eral hours by arrangement, the lady pays her own ex- penses. And when a lady by chance finds a gentleman on board train with whom she is well acquainted, she should preferably take her meals alone, even though she pays for her meals when she dines with the gentleman. If she accepts one offer to dine at the gentleman’s expense, that is sufficient. 163 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS HOW TO REGISTER IN A HOTEL Gentleman: James Brown, Boston. Never prefix “Mr.” or “Hon.” Lady: Mrs. James Brown, or Miss Anna Brown, Boston. Never without “Miss” or “Mrs.” Gentleman and Wife: Mr.and Mrs. James Brown, Boston. Never James Brown and wife. Gentleman and Family: Mr. and Mrs. James Brown, Boston. Miss Anna Brown, Boston. Mr. George T. Brown, Boston. If the gentlemen prefer to omit the “Mr.”: James Brown, Boston. Mrs. Brown, Boston, and maid (if there is one). Miss Anna Brown, Boston. George T. Brown, Boston. Baby and nurse (if there are any). If the children are all young: Mr. and Mrs. James Brown, Boston, and two children and nurse. The street and number are never entered in a hotel register. LADIES ALONE IN HOTELS A lady who acts with the same decorum and dignity in the hotel at which she is staying alone, as is required by correct train behavior, is equally safe. Ladies cus- tomarily write ahead to hotels making reservation to avoid question when they arrive. 164 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS If a woman prefers to have her meals in the dining room, she appears in the restaurant wearing hat and gloves. She dines early, and preferably in an incon- spicuous place ina restaurant. Ona prolonged stay, how- ever, stich procedure is not expected. A woman of any age comes and goes as she wishes. Familiarity with the hotel clerk or other hotel attendants is, of course, in- appropriate. ON TIPPING Generous tipping is a requisite to convenience in traveling. The minimum tip at a first class hotel is twenty-five cents regardless of how small a check may have been. The rule is ten per cent beginning with $4.00. Ifa check amounts to $2.00 or more you give thirty or thirty-five cents. If you do not care for elaborate meals you should not hold a table at a hotel where they are customary, unless you are willing to tip as for a full course dinner. The earnings of waiters and such are dependent upon the tips received, and in the case of a waiter the fact that you had a very small meal did not save him much time, and on the other hand you did occupy space which might have been taken by some other person who would have ordered a larger meal and had a bigger bill. THE MOTOR TOUR Consideration for others plays an even greater part on a motor tour than on any other kind of a trip. Personal whims, habits or prejudices should not be furthered at the annoyance and expense of others in the party, and the fact that undue annoyances and inconveniences are bound 165 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS to arise should be taken into consideration before con- cluding arrangements for a motor trip. Once on the road petty discrepancies should not be permitted to interfere with the pleasure of the tour. The course to be followed, the stops to be made and the points at which baggage may be needed should all be discovered and arrangements for proper forwarding of all requirements should be prepared far enough in advance to insure a minimum of delay and inconvenience. There is usually not enough room to permit anyone carrying more than a hand bag of moderate size, into which may be placed only the absolute necessities for comfort in the event that baggage is delayed or does not come through for some reason. In addition one may carry an extra coat in anticipation of the changes in climate or weather. When the costs of a tour are to be equally divided, the accounts should be settled at definite regular periods. Suggested changes of course or stopping places should be subject to the approval of the entire party, as should all other decisions such as the speed of travel, the raising or lowering of the top, wayside stops, ete. But when the entire expense of a tour is borne by a host, changes of course and matters of like consideration should be left to his disposition. The guest on a motor tour is ex- pected to pay all the expenses of forwarding his bag- gage and other personal possessions, while the host should make adequate accommodations of room or table. Extra comforts required, such as baths, toilet conveniences, special foods or additional bedroom service should be borne by the guest who orders them. Obser- vation of these details eliminate misunderstandings and unneccessary difficulties. 166 a a a THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS STEAMSHIP TRAVEL SEEING FRIENDS OFF Friends and relations accompanying those going on an ocean trip should not accompany the departing ones further than the gangplank. A trip by sea is always accompanied by more or less anxiety and nervousness, so that people who go aboard ship with their friends and linger about the deck only add to the already heightened tension of those who are leaving. When both friends and relatives gather to wish a traveler farewell the friends should say good-by and take their leave before the rela- tives do so, permitting those closer related the freedom of a more intimate and devoted leave taking. There is no objection to friends and relatives going aboard ship and staying on deck a while, provided they do not linger until the last minute. After a trip around the deck or to the departing one’s stateroom, one should at least take the traveler to a point within immediate reach of the gangplank, and when the call to go ashore is given, depart without further delay. Circumstances must govern actions on all such occasions. GIFTS TO TRAVELERS Flowers, fruit, books or bonbons may be taken or sent to the steamer. This is a token of friendship or love to comfort and cheer or possibly speed the long hours to be spent by the departing one on board ship. When such token is brought it may have attached a card of the donor with a little message written in pencil, and if the gift is sent it must necessarily carry such parting message. The message are in general somewhat as one of the following: 167 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS With best wishes for a pleasant voyage. Good luck and best wishes. Bon voyage. NOTES OF THANKS FOR TRAVEL GIFTS If possible. one should try to send back by the ship’s pilot notes of thanks to those who sent gifts and were not able to attend in person. In this way the thanks are received practically by return post and it seems a bit more courteous and appreciative of the good wishes received. Some people, however, prefer to wait until they reach their destination to comply with this courtesy, and at the same time include a brief account of the events of the voyage. These notes are written on the ship’s stationery and may be made very interesting. GOOD MANNERS IN THE SALON In old clipper ship days when a “fast” trip depended on good winds and pleasant weather, the matter of friendship between passengers needed no discussion. People hemmed together in the confines of a small ship, spending days upon weary days on the wide expanse of the ocean naturally became well acquainted and quite familiar. But today when one speeds across the ocean in the course of little more than a week, people are more chary and do not so readily become acquainted. The time element has a decided bearing upon this condition. People who travel a great deal become more or less known to the steward, who may reserve a table for them, and if they know that some of their friends are making the trip they request a large table; or if they are going alone, they reserve a small table for themselves when 168 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS they buy their tickets. But ordinarily, unless people chance to meet acquaintances on board ship with whom they can arrange to sit at table, they sit where the steward places them. After the first or second meal amiability rather demands that people speak to each other. A woman may even venture to address the gentleman on her right and a gentleman may start conversation with a lady on his left (a lady usually talks to the gentleman on her left, while a man talks to the lady on his right, which is similar to the law of partners at the formal dinner table.) This does not mean that one should immediately establish friendships with people who are placed next to them, but usually further talk may take place on the deck. People who see one another daily on board ship involuntarily begin to spend more time to- gether, and if the relations are pleasant, permit the acquaintanceship to increase and very often develop into friendship. If one is not desirous of conversing with the table neighbor, it is not necessary to say more than a polite “Good-morning.” It is required that one recog- nize with at least a slight bow the ship attendants, particularly those serving in the dining salon and the stewards and stewardesses who give any personal service whatsoever. The ship’s officers should be greeted when- ever met. An experienced voyager is prompt and unfail- ing in politeness but is very slow to intimacy. On a short trip of from twenty-four to thirty-six hours one need not enter into conversation with strangers, and nothing need be said except a courteous “Good-morning,” or some other greeting, as “How do you do?” on other occasions. No one but the confirmed snob will, how- ever, attempt to sit at table three times a day for seven 169 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS or eight days without speaking one word to someone at table, or elsewhere. GOOD MANNERS ON DECK The fact that your neighbor at table in the salon conversed rather freely and pleasantly is no indication that he or she is desirous of spending considerable time in your company. It is easy to find out what the other person’s feeling is by attempting a little conversation—a little, though, not an hour’s chat right from the start. If the person responds quite freely and does not permit you to do all the talking, perhaps you might try a little more later on. But if the answers come in monosylables, “No,” “Yes,” “Uh—huh,” “Dear me,” etc., it would be advisable not to linger too long, and if there is to be conversation between you and the other person, you had better let the other person start the next conversation. There are conditions on a steamer peculiar to that particular means of travel. There are so many people with just a limited space for movement, rather limited pastimes and a general feeling of confinement after two or three days out. For these reasons it is particularly necessary that the exercise of consideration for others be carefully borne in mind. The ship’s library and writ- ing room, just like other rooms of that description, should be places where peace and quiet always reign. It is not only discourteous, but against the rules to talk even in whispers for any length of time if others present are en- gaged in reading or writing. Children must not be allowed to interfere with the talk, games, naps, or any diversion or thing belonging to other people, unless they are invited to join. Games and talk on deck should at no time be 170 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS carried on knowingly to the discomfort of any persons; those wishing to read aloud to one another or to play games which everyone is not willing to take part in should find an isolated spot which they can call their own. If the position of one’s deck chair is not satis- factory and there is no hope of having it changed, it is not very considerate to edge one’s way into the space reserved for the free thoroughfare of promenaders. Nor should the place of another be taken when he momen- tarily absents himself. Consideration requires that smoking in the staterooms be prohibited, especially when the portholes are closed; the smell of cigars or cigarettes may prove disagreeable to other passengers to whose rooms the fumes will naturally go. When it is absolutely necessary to complain of the service, or the lack of consideration on the part of another passenger, the complaint should be made quietly to the chief steward or to the purser. Such procedure is bound to be pro- ductive of results and is hence the simplest and most effective method. The sum and substance of the whole matter of good manners on board a steamer resolves itself into the oft repeated conclusion that dignity, reserve, and consid- eration for others are the basic principles of good manners. THE SHIP’S CONCERT AND SUNDAY SERVICE It is regarded as rather essential that everyone attend the ship’s concert if possible. Customarily a collection is taken, the proceeds of which are donated to some chari- table effort. Everyone is expected to contribute. Those who were not able to attend the concert should neverthe- 171 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS less do their bit. It should not be necessary to add that the ship’s concert demands the same show of good manners expected at any other concert. The Sunday service which is open to all should be observed with the same show of reverence and demeanor that would be displayed in any church on shore. STEAMER TIPS An obligation to be met by all steamer travelers is the matter of tipping. This is a considerable item, but it is just as necessary an expense as any of the other luxuries that add to the comfort of the trip. It is just as well to include in your initial budget $35.00 to cover tipping. This sum may be spent in the following manner: Room Steward $2.50 If meals have been taken in the stateroom, the. room steward or stewardess should receive at least $5.00. Dining room steward OSes Deck Steward $2.50 If meals have been taken on deck, the deck steward should receive at least $5.00 and his assistant $2.50. Lounge steward $2.50 Bath Steward $1.25 Some ship’s doctors send in a bill for services and others do not. In the latter case it is not actually required to give them anything, but most people leave an envelope containing the average physician’s fee at the purser’s office. 172 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS It is advisable, if particular about the hour at which you take your bath to arrange early with the bath stew- ard. As in most cases, “the early bird catches the worm ;” the late comers must be satisfied with the hours that no- body else wants. The daily salt bath is a pleasant feature of the trip; the water is always so clear and invigorating and the heated towels provide a comfortable and invigor- ating rub-down. Any other favors desired should pre- ferably and advisably be arranged early with the steward. On smaller steamers making coastwise trips which are naturally of shorter duration, and upon which the amount of service given by stewards is not so great, tipping is proportionately smaller. GOOD MANNERS ABROAD A gentleman is a gentleman the world over. The prime requisites to gentleness are kindness, courtesy, and con- sideration for others. Let it be understood at the outset that it is unkind to insist on talking with other people who do not care to talk; it is unkind and discourteous to stampede foreign countries with an air of bravado and a boisterous manner of worldly wisdom. It is unkind, discourteous, and inconsiderate to not only the peoples of foreign countries, but to other Americans in foreign countries and to America itself to strut through the ave- nues and boulevards of Europe’s finest cities, to literally “take by storm” Europe’s cafés and dining rooms, raising ' a tremendous babble of chatter and disturbance. The utter disregard on the part of many American tourists to do as the Romans do in Rome is creative of a feeling throughout the continent that the average American is an G. Man.—G 173 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ill-mannered, boisterous, presumptuous, self-assertive, and uncultured boor. Natives of most European coun- tries are very polite, Latins and Asiatics exceedingly so. These people are amazed when some of our compatriots show an utter disregard for all the laws of courtesy and politeness. What is considered “overcharging” is de- fended by European hostelries and dealers as a sort of “toleration charge”! We all know and expect that high- class American restaurants and cafés exclude certain classes of people, and that if by chance any such are admitted they are charged such rates as to cause them to stay away. This is precisely the attitude taken by Euro- pean hostelers in reference to the “undesirable” Ameri- cans! The unvarnished truth is that this action is justified! Can you conceive of a real American scribbling and scrawling on some of Europe’s fine structures and then hauling out the American flag and waving it in a grand ensemble! What would the red-blooded American think of the European who came to America and attempted anything like this? It is necessary for Americans going to Europe to know that persons entering even the smallest and most incon- spicuous shop say, “Good morning” or “Good evening, madam,” and “Until we meet again,” upon leaving. It is not absolutely necessary to speak the language of the country which you visit, to comply with this custom. “How do you do?’ and “Good-by” are understood by most shop keepers and such. But one planning a Euro- pean visit might well consider the advice of Macaulay: “He that traveleth into a country before he hath some entrance into the language, goeth to school and not to travel.” 174 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Americans like to “face the facts.” The statements above are facts to be faced, not hallucinations or weird imaginings. Those who travel in foreign countries owe America, Americans, and themselves better treatment than has been accorded them in the past. America is con- sidered a great country throughout the world; let every traveler do his share towards having its people become known as cultured and well mannered. GOOD MANNERS IN EUROPEAN SOCIETY Those fortunate enough to have friends, relatives, or acquaintances of position in Europe may see something of European society. The well bred American need have no qualms about entering the European drawing room or dining room. Good manners are the same there as they are here. One enters the room, bows, says, “How do you do?” At table, conversation is impersonal. Upon leav- ing, one says “Good-by” and thanks the hostess. Correct phrases of address to persons of rank or no- bility will be found elsewhere under the heading: “How to Address Important Personages.” MANNERS ON A CONTINENTAL TRAIN Since Europeans prefer to ride backward to avoid facing the smoke, and Americans prefer to ride the other way, here is one respect at least in which all Americans seem to the Europeans very polite and obliging. Other manners are all practically the same as those governing actions on the American train, except that it is not con- sidered better than middle class to converse with fellow passengers. There are no smoking cars on European trains so that every compartment is a smoking carriage, 175 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS unless marked “Ladies only” or “No smoking’; but if compartments are not so marked and there are ladies present one must gain their consent before attempting to smoke. In southern Europe the gentleman bows politely as he or strangers who shared the carriage with him rise to alight at a station. 176 CHAPTER XII CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS PaGHuNTLEMAN: TO: A LADY. The correct formal introduction is: Mrs. Brown, may I present Mr. Black? A LADY TO A GENTLEMAN A lady is never presented to a man, except to the presi- dent of a republic, a cardinal, or a reigning sovereign. The correct introduction in each case is as follows: TO A PRESIDENT Mr. President, I have the honor to present Mrs. Brown of Boston. TO A CARDINAL Your Eminence, may I present Mrs. Brown? TO A SOVEREIGN Before presentation a great deal of formality is gons through until an accepted list is finally made up. At the actual presentation the name is announced simply: “Mrs. Brown.” Nothing else is said. Seti Weh ik SON PO ATLA DY. In the case of a man of title, the man is introduced to the woman. A hostess says, “Mrs. Brown, may I present 177 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Lord Blank?” or “The Duke of Cornwall?” “His grace” or “His Lordship” is never used, nor is “Honorable” ever used, the title being merely Mr. So.-and-So. A gov- ernor, a judge, a doctor, or bishop is addressed and intro- duced by his respective title. A senator is always intro- duced as “Senator,” whether he is still in office or not, while an ex-president of a republic is “Mr.,” not “Ex- President.” A Catholic priest is “Father McCann.” The clergy are usually “Mr.” except when they hold formal titles such as Doctor, Dean, or Canon. A) LADY /TO ASL ADS The younger lady is always introduced to the older. The unmarried lady is introduced to the married one, un- less the married one is very much younger. The more important name is pronounced with slightly rising inflec- tion, the secondary as a mere statement. The older lady does not rise. She just extends her hand and says, “How do you do?’ When ladies of the same approximate age are introduced and one is seated she rises and extends her hand and says, “How do you do?” To ladies sitting a little farther away the name of the lady introduced is not repeated, the names of the ladies seated merely being mentioned. They only bow, but do not rise. A MAN TO A MAN When men are introduced to one another, the younger or less illustrious is presented to the older or more dis- tinguished: “Mr, Prominent, may I present Mr. Youth- ful?” 178 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS A man is presented to a president, a cardinal, or a reigning sovereign just as is a woman. A man being in- troduced to a title holder or a member of the clergy, even though the man himself is distinguished, is presented to the title holder, if his own position is inferior to that of the titled gentleman. Unless he were a sovereign or a cardinal he would be presented to the member of the clergy. A young man would present his college chum to the president of his firm. The younger person is always presented to the older or more distinguished. A GIRL TO A DISTINGUISHED MAN A lady is never presented to a man. A mother might, however, introduce her young daughter to a very distin- guished gentleman: “Mr. Hughes—my daughter Ade- laide.” When introducing her daughter to a young man, she would say, “Mr. Young, have you met my daughter?” The daughter’s name is omitted (when the introduction is to a young man) because the gentleman would address her as Miss , whatever the last name might be, and if he cared to know the Christian name he would prob- ably learn that later. A married daughter would be in- troduced, “My daughter, Mrs. Brown.” THE PREVAILING FORM OF INTRODUCTION There is a briefer form of introduction which is com- monly and popularly used. It is simply: Mrs. Prominent—Mrs. Unknown. It is clearly made known which person is introduced 179 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS by the inflection and the accentuation. The less impor- tant personage is presented to the more important. The more important person’s name is spoken first with slightly rising inflection, the other name as a mere statement of fact with a slightly falling inflection, as, for example, in saying, “Has it come?” and then, “It is not.” By merely substituting the names for these words, one has the proper inflection. Gentlemen may be introduced to ladies, and gentlemen to gentlemen, in this same way. OTHER FORMS Below are listed other forms of introduction, all of which are good, and applicable when introducing ladies to one another, gentlemen to one another, or gentlemen to ladies. One must be cautious in introducing a gentleman to a lady not to ask Mrs. Brown if she has met Mr. Black. Mrs. Prominent, do you know Mrs. Unknown? Mrs. Prominent, do you know Mr. Unknown? Mr. Prominent, do you know Mr. Unknown? Mrs, Prominent, you know Mrs. Unknown, don’t you? (“Don’t you” is correct. “Do you not?” is not used.) Mrs. Prominent, you know Mr. Unknown, don’t you? Mr. Prominent, you know Mr. Unknown, don’t you? Mrs. Prominent, have you met Mrs. Unknown? Mr. Prominent, have you met Mr. Unknown? Mrs. Prominent, have you met my daughter Anna? Mrs. Prominent, do you know my mother ?—father P— brother? : Mr. Prominent, do you know my father ?—brother? but— 180 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Mother, do you know Mr. Prominent? This is my daughter, Anna, Mrs. Prominent. Anna, this is Mr. Prominent. WHAT TO SAY WHEN INTRODUCED There is only one recognized phrase used in acknowl- edgment of an introduction. That is, “How do you do?” When Mr. Unknown is presented to Mrs. Prominent, she says simply, “How do you do?” without any inflection. Mr. Unknown only bows. Rising inflections and men- tion of the name of the gentleman introduced with par- ticular stress on the last syllable of the name is poor form. Such affected mannerisms are not practiced in good society. The Ittle finger stuck high in the air when holding a drinking cup and the handshake “overhead” are affectations that did not originate in good society. Neither are “Charmed” or “Pleased to meet you” good form. When persons have known of each other, although they have never met, it is not difficult to lead directly from the introduction into a conversation, for example: Mrs. Unknown, Jr., is introduced to Mrs. Prominent, who smiles and says, “I understand that you are interested in welfare work?” Mrs. Unknown, Jr., answers, “Yes, I expect to learn a good deal about methods during my stay in New York.” WHEN TO SHAKE HANDS A lady may offer her hand when a gentleman is pre- sented to her if she wishes, according to the degree of 181 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS cordiality she wishes to imply. If the gentleman is one of whom she has heard considerable, she would probably offer her hand. Ordinarily she merely bows slightly and says, “How do you do?” It is always the gentleman’s place to wait until the lady extends her hand. If she does not do this, the gentleman merely bows. But no lady would be sc rude as to ignore the proffered hand of a man so long as the man’s character is to all knowledge acceptable, regardless of his station in life. Gentlemen introduced to one another always shake hands. There are no fixed rules for handshaking to cover the parting of people just introduced. Gentlemen would very likely shake hands, a lady might do so on one occasion and on another occasion might not. People merely drawn into conversation by chance do not usually shake hands on parting. But even on such occasion, after talking with a total stranger whose conversation was interesting and animated, a lady might offer her hand. _ The acceptance or rejection of people as acquaintances or friends is a matter of personal selection. But rejec- tion does not require rudeness, and acceptance does not call for familiarity, nor does dignity and reserve mean aloofness. Some people are responsive and shake hands readily, others do not. INTRODUCING ONE PERSON TO A GROUP At a private luncheon, dinner, or house party, it is not really necessary to introduce people to one another, as the fact that all people gathered at the house of a hostess are in that very act introduced, as it were, and free to talk. 182 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS At a friend’s dinner table neighbors always talk even without introduction. It would be impolite not to do so. The fact that two people spoke together in the drawing room, however, does not mean that they need recognize each other afterward. At very small gatherings it adds to the comfort and friendliness to introduce all the guests. At a very big luncheon it is advisable to introduce a stranger to one or two people so that she may have some one totalk to. It is, of course, not necessary for the hos- tess to spend a great deal of time with the stranger. As a matter of fact, so soon as the lady has made the ac- quaintance of one or two others the hostess is free to take care of new arrivals or other matters. The correct procedure for introducing one person to a group at the little informal function is described fully in Chapter III. WHEN TO INTRODUCE There exists a wide range of opinion as to whether or not to introduce the stranger to all the guests. An alleged fundamental rule of introduction says that they should not be made unnecessarily. In the opinion of some, when people are to spend any length of time to- gether in the same room they should be placed at ease by being introduced to all the people present. This is not meant to include a gathering at which a great many people are present, such as a ball or a reception, for on an occasion of this kind people are not introduced except to the patronesses, who in turn are supposed to see that strangers are introduced to a few people for the sake of 183 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS association. It always seems doubtful that the hostess who permits a stranger to walk around unknown is quite successful, at least in the mind of any such unknown person. Of course, every hostess introduces the stranger to at least one or two of the other guests ; but this is some- times a rather haphazard method, for the guests whom ' the stranger has met may not have the opportunity throughout the entire evening to introduce the stranger to some of the other guests. MEETING THE GUEST OF HONOR Everyone present at a dinner given in honor of some- body should be introduced to that somebody. This is an obligation of the hostess. INTRODUCTIONS AT A DINNER Another decided obligation of the hostess is to be cer- ‘tain that every gentleman who is not acquainted with the lady he is to take to dinner is presented to that lady. If possible, he should also be introduced to the lady who is to sit at his left. If, however, the latter introduction is not made, the oversight is not so grave because people sitting next to each other at table most always introduce themselves. A gentleman who is anxious to know who the lady at his left is can easily discover this by glancing at her place card. He may then say, “How do you do, Mrs. Gray? Iam Jack Henderson.” He may also show her his place card and say, “I have to introduce myself ; this is my name.’ Or the lady may take the initiative and say, “I am Mrs. John Brown”; to which the gentle- 184 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS man responds, “How do you do, Mrs. Brown? My name is John Jones.” Very often in New York and other big cities neighbors at table dispense with the in- troductions entirely, talking together as if they had been formally introduced. The place card is the means of accomplishing this. OTHER REQUIRED INTRODUCTIONS People always introduce: All the guests at a small dinner or luncheon. All the guests at a house party. A group of people who sit together anywhere. Partners at dinner. Partners at games. People who are to play cards at the same table. A stranger who is invited to a dance at the request of another guest must be personally introduced to the hostess by the friend requesting the invitation. The form is: “Mrs. Prominent, this is Mr. Unknown, whom you said I might bring.” The hostess offers her hand and says, with a smile, “I am very glad to see you, Mr. Unknown.” The visitor to a lady in a box at the opera must be introduced. The lady visited always introduces the gentleman who comes to speak with her to her hostess. If the other guests of the box are present, they should also be introduced. If the name of the person being introduced has been heard by the others, it may not be necessary to repeat the name; just mentioning the names of each of the other guests in turn would be sufficient. If the one introducing is of the opinion that the visitor’s name has not been heard, she may mention it to the second 185 | THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS person introduced, but further repetition should be un- necessary. The ladies of the box need not shake hands and do not rise, but the gentlemen do rise and shake hands. , WHEN INTRODUCTIONS ARE UNNECESSARY No one is ever led around a room for wholesale intro- ductions. A seemingly very interesting conversation between two persons should not be interrupted to introduce a third. A person just arriving is not usually introduced to an- other who is just leaving. It is not necessary to introduce men in the smoking room after dinner, nor at the table after the ladies have gone to the drawing room. Each gentleman talks with his neighbor or with whomever he sees fit, without introduc- tion. The ladies in the drawing room do the same. The acquaintanceships that spring up in this way need not be carried further unless very agreeable relations have been struck and an effort is made to continue the acquaint- ance. It is not advisable to introduce people to each other in public places, unless certain that such act will be favorable to both. Most people are naturally chary of introductions in public places, in particular on trains, steamers, hotels, and if you present some one who may not be acceptable to them they still feel that it is neces- sary to recognize the person. This places them at consid- erable inconvenience. It is sometimes permissible to include a third person in conversation without going through the formality of an 186 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS introduction. If you are speaking with a person, and a friend approaches to see you, you can immediately in- clude that friend in the conversation by saying, “Mr. So- and-So was just saying so and so.” That gives the friend an opportunity of joining the conversation. It also bridges the difficult situation spoken of in the para- graph above. If two people walking on the street are met by a third who is known to one of the two, the one who is not acquainted may saunter slowly away while the other two converse. ‘This places all three at ease and makes unnec- essary an introduction for just a few moments’ associa- tion. If the third person is invited to join the other two, he is introduced to the person who walked ahead; but it is necessary to be invited. Neighbors who see each other frequently say, “How do you dor’ Yet they may never become further ac- quaintances. SELF-MADE INTRODUCTIONS In good society one rarely asks to be introduced. But if one has heard a good deal of a person and yet has not been formally introduced, one may execute an introduc- tion unassisted. One may say, for example, “Mr. Jordan, weren’t you in my brother’s company in the army? I am George Morton’s brother.” Mr. Jordan says, “Why, yes, to be sure! I am so glad you spoke to me. George and I were great pals.” Or perhaps a woman just says, “Aren’t you Mrs. Prominent ?” To which Mrs. Prominent quite naturally answers, 187 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS “Yes,” with a sort of “and who are you, please?” air. The first woman then continues, “I think my mother, Mrs. Johnson, is a friend of yours.” Mrs. Prominent warms, “Oh, yes, indeed; I have known your mother for a good many years! And you must be—?” “T am Adelaide.” “Oh, of course, your mother has often talked of you,” Cte. etc, Self-introductions must never be made unless there is absolute assurance that the other two people—that is, the one present and the absent one, who is the friend of the one present—are well enough acquainted to warrant taking such a step. If a person addresses you and you don’t seem to re- member him, the polite thing to do is to pretend that you do. The conversation will shortly disclose whether you were mistaken or not. If it develops that the person is entirely unknown and you have reason to believe that he is merely pretending, it is quite simple to avoid fur- ther conversation. On the other hand, if you find that the person is known to you, you will be glad that you did not disclose your doubts. INCORRECT FORMS OF INTRODUCTION In making introductions do not say. “I want to make you acquainted with.” You may only introduce people, they make themselves acquainted. Do not say, “Mr. A., shake hands with Mr. B.;” merely asking people to shake hands is not actually introducing them. 188 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Don’t call one person “Your friend ;” this may seem an -insinuation that one is and the other isn’t your friend. You may say, “My aunt” or “My sister,” etc. Do not make introductions back and forth, that is, by saying, “Mrs. Brown? Mrs. Black! Mrs. Black? Mrs. Brown!” Such repetition seems awkward and unneces- sary. | Don’t say, “Mr. Brown, meet Mr. Black.” This term may only be used in saying, for example, “Mr. Brown, I want you to meet Mr. Black,” before Mr. Brown has been taken to Mr. Black. If you have just been introduced and did not hear the other person’s name, or if you wish to introduce your- self to another person, don’t say, “What is your name?” People usually don’t like to be asked their names, and, besides, this question seems rather abrupt and impolite. It is better to wait and learn the person’s name later on. ASKING PERMISSION TO INTRODUCE A FRIEND At private dances the young gentleman does not con- sider it necessary to ask the young lady whether he may introduce his friend. All the guests at a private dance are considered acceptable. At a public ball the young man should be very careful whom he introduces to his lady acquaintances. The right to reject or accept an introduction is reserved by the lady. When a young man asks whether he may introduce another, the lady may say, “Yes,”’—or “I’d rather not.” This privilege is reserved by the lady, and its application should cause no offense. 189 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS INTRODUCTION BY LETTER The method of asking, giving or sending letters of introduction is discussed in the chapter on Notes and Shorter Letters, and their acceptance and presentation are discussed in Chapter III of Part I. BUSINESS INTRODUCTIONS In business, gentlemen being introduced say to one another “Very glad to meet you.” The gentleman who is in his own office says, “Very glad to see you,” which is indicative of a welcome. TAKING LEAVE AFTER AN INTRODUCTION When people who have just been introduced and have had an agreeable conversation take leave, the one making the movement to go says, “Good-by, I hope I shall see you again very soon.” The other person may answer, “Thank you,’ and add, “I hope so too,” if he or she really hopes so. It is necessary to say “Good-by” to only those who happen to see you going. You should make no effort to attract the attention of all the persons _of a group. 190 CHAPTER XIII GREETIN GS AND SALUTATIONS INFORMAL GREETINGS In the chapter on introductions the formal greetings are practically all listed in giving the proper forms of introduction. Formal greetings are limited; neither are informal greetings very numerous. There are, however, a few which are considered polite and acceptable, for, besides saying, “How do you do?” you may say, ‘Good morning,” “Good evening,” or “How are you?” The most popular form to-day among intimate friends is, “Hello!” This salute should not be shouted, nor pro- nounced, “Hullo!” or “Hello!” It is best to mention the name of the person greeted, for this is permissible among intimate friends, and it sounds much better to say, “Hello, John,” than just merely “Hello!” At church services people do not greet each other. It is improper to speak at all in a church, with the excep- tion of a “Thank you” for the person who makes room in a pew. People simply nod slightly and smile a bit in greeting. FORMS OF FAREWELL “Good-by” and “Good-night” are the only two accept- able forms to be used in leaving. “Au revoir” is Frenck and should be used only in France, or when speaking to French people, or if by chance you are leaving a French 1Ql THE. BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS society in which it is customary to converse in French. Ordinarily it is not considered good form to use foreign expressions unless there are no English expressions to fit the case. SHAKING HANDS Gentlemen introduced to gentlemen and ladies to ladies shake hands, but ladies do not shake hands unless they are standing close together, and they do not shake hands with gentlemen on being introduced unless they feel so inclined. People who know each other shake hands when they meet at other people’s homes or public places, but not in merely passing. When a gentleman shakes hands with a lady on the street, it should be with the bared hand. Of course, it is not convenient to stand tugging at a glove while a lady is holding out her hand, so that a lady should not offer the hand to a man whose right hand is gloved. At a ball or at the opera the gloves are not removed, and an usher at a wedding also keeps his gloves on. CHARACTER DISPLAYED BY THE HANDSHAKE It is productive of a feeling of insincerity in another person to have them offer a hand that is limp and life- less. Whether or not you care about the person you are meeting, there is no harm in giving him a decent hand- shake; perhaps if he is a rascal the handshake of a real man will give him a little inspiration. The hand of a lady should not be harshly grasped, for two reasons: one is that a lady’s hand is soft; the other, that the fingers are usually ringed. A warm handshake with moderate pressure is sufficient. 192 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The idea of “hands in the clouds” is not a conception of best society. Wherever the idea originated, it is not used among well bred people—exaggerations and af- fected mannerisms are not practiced in good circles. The hands are merely extended, grasped, shaken once or twice and released. One should always look into the eyes of the other person. A woman allows a man who is only an acquaintance to shake her hand (she never shakes his) ; but to a very old friend she gives a firmer grasp, shaking his hand a little, but not as much as he shakes hers. Younger women usually shake the hands of older women. Extending the hand to a foreigner, the married woman usually holds her hand somewhat relaxed, as many foreigners follow the custom of raising a married woman’s hand to the lips. It should not be, but it unfortunately is necessary to add that when a young person meets an older lady at whose house he or she has often been entertained, the young person must go to the older lady and extend greetings. The young lady would shake hands. The young man would simply bow in acknowledgment of the spontaneous “How do you do?” of the older lady. Neither young person would have to talk further unless the older lady started. The conversation would not last more than a minute or so. It is, of course, not expected that a young man would walk away from a partner to go over and greet another person. He need simply bow in greeting. It is on no occasion necessary to deliberately walk across a room to greet an older person. The younger one may bow, and when the older person is met at closer range some time later, the greeting may be more formal. 193 tik BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE FORMAL BOW The graceful and unconscious bow is most properly acquired by practice in youth. The boy who often bowed to company and perfected his grace at dancing school executes a good bow without the slightest effort. He bends at the hips and at the neck, the remainder of the body remaining comparatively rigid. The major portion of the bend is, of course, in the hips, while the bend at the neck is just slight. Heels are always together, knees are rigid, and the expression is dignified, the glance mean- while being directed to the person to whom he is bowing. THE BOW INFORMAL Modify the formal bow and you have the informal bow. The modification is made particularly in loosening the portion of the body between the hips and the neck, which in the formal bow is held rigid. This does not mean that one sags together like a salt bag, for the proper informal bow, though easy, should suggest muscle control. The correct bow when wearing a stiff hat is made by lift- ing the hat a trifle and bringing it forward a few inches, at the same time raising the back somewhat and bringing the front down. This action should never be done with a flourish. Neither is it correct to pull the hat in front of the face. A very old lady or gentleman may be greeted with a somewhat greater show of display by bringing the hat down with a circular motion to the level of the hips with the bottom of the hat up. This action is usually accompanied by a somewhat sweeping bow. 194 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS A felt hat is taken by the crown, lifted off the head, brought slightly forward and put on again. The informal bow is accompanied with a smile. THE BOW OF A WOMAN The woman’s bow is just a slight inclination of the head, accompanied with a smile. The smile of a woman adds to her charm. A GENTLEMAN REMOVES HIS HAT In the elevators of clubs, hotels, and apartment houses a gentleman removes his hat when a lady enters. He puts it on again in the corridor. The elevator is con- sidered in the same class as the room of a house, while the corridor is a public place. It is not considered nec- essary for a gentleman to take off his hat upon entrance of ladies into an elevator in an office building, store, or other public elevators. Under existing laws of etiquette, it is still required that a gentleman who stops to speak to a lady in the street take off his hat with his left hand so that his right hand may be free to shake hands if the lady signifies her in- tention to do so. The hat may also be removed with the right hand and transferred to the left, and if the gentle- man is carrying a stick, he should also transfer it to the left hand. While they remain standing the gentleman is supposed to remain hatless, but if they walk on, the gen- tleman replaces his hat. This law is still in existence, but it does not seem to be very much in favor. Many people think that a gentleman has fulfilled his obliga- 195 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS tions of courtesy when he has made a bow and properly lifted his hat. These people are ready to acknowledge that the gentleman should by all means remove his hat and keep it off if he meets a lady in the corridor of a public place; but they think the assertion that the man is rude who replaces his hat after greeting a lady in the street is a bit harsh. Need it be said that courtesies of gentleman to lady are not limited to the lady acquaintances of a man, but also include the ladies of his family and near relatives? Need it be said that every man must remove his hat at the passing of the colors or the playing or singing of the national anthem? : It may be added that courtesy to the dead requires that a man remove his hat at the passing of a funeral proces- sion and at the grave. A GENTLEMAN LIFTS His Hage A gentleman lifts his hat when greeted on the street by a lady, or when greeted by a gentleman with a lady or when he is walking with a lady and she is greeted by another lady or gentleman. He lifts his hat when speaking to or spoken to by a lady or by an older gentleman. He also removes ciga- rette, cigar, or pipe from his mouth when he lifts his hat. When a gentleman performs an act of courtesy toward a lady, such as picking up something she has dropped, offering her his seat, or the like, he lifts his hat when she says, “Thank you.” That done, he should not directly look at the lady, but should permit his gaze to be directed elsewhere. If a lady drops something on the street and 196 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS a gentleman picks it up and goes after her, he walks until he gets just in front of her, offers her the article, saying, “I think you dropped this.” When the lady says, “Thank you,” he lifts his hat and turns away. If a gentleman passes a lady in a narrow space so that he momentarily cuts off her view, or is forced to pass right before her very face, he lifts his hat. If he is acci- dentally pushed or thrown against her, he must lift his hat and say, “Excuse me.” In offering a lady his seat in a car the gentleman lifts his hat and says, “Please take my seat.” When the lady says, “Thank you,” he lifts his hat again. In passing through a crowded space a gentleman says, “May I get through, please?’ If it is a lady who makes room to permit him to pass, he says, “Thank you,” and lifts his hat, otherwise just “Thank you.” If there is an- other man in the company of the lady, he lifts his hat in response to the act of the first man. A gentleman lifts his hat when the lady whom he is accompanying is offered a seat by another man, or if an- other man picks up something she has dropped, or per- forms some other courtesy. 197 PART II COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE CHAPTER I COURTSHIP When a young man begins to feel that a certain young lady is the only girl in the world, he is naturally anxious to let the girl know in some way, and at the same time wishes to learn her sentiments. He may begin to furnish more frequent entertainment and pleasure, or make fre- quent gifts of little things within the range of accept- ability—preferably flowers. Gifts of books and fruit or charming little trinkets are also acceptable. The young man will be able to notice with what degree of pleasure his gifts are accepted. They may then become more fre- quent. Flowers once or twice a week will serve well to bring the girl’s attention to the fact that the young man’s thoughts are serious. Flowers should preferably be sent from the florist’s with the young man’s card enclosed. There is no inscription on the card unless on the occasion of a holiday such as Christmas, New Year’s or Easter, or in honor of an anniversary, birthday or a holiday. No particular flower is used to express a particular sentiment. Roses or violets are the usual winter choice, and by way of variation a growing plant or basket of mixed blossoms, or something of like nature, may be sent. During courtship days a young man should not offer gifts of jewelry or anything that may in any way obligate the girl of his heart. This obviates the necessity on her part of returning gifts if an engagement does not ma- terialize. Trifles, under the head of which come books, 201 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS magazines, pictures, camera, golf club or things of similar nature, are always acceptable, but the young man should never in the pre-engagement days offer more valuable gifts of jewelry or other expensive things. THE ACCEPTANCE OF GIFTS All the trifling offerings of the ardent young man may be gracefully accepted by the young lady. Should she be desirous of checking the advances of a too ardent aspir- ant, she would do so not by rejection or ungraceful acceptance of his generous offerings, but rather by a limited acceptance of invitations to go out. But his gifts she must appreciatively accept, for to do otherwise would be to insinuate that she feels that he is making advances. Whether gifts come from a welcome or an unwelcome admirer they must immediately be acknowledged by a note expressing pleasure and thanks for the kind courtesy. Under no circumstances should any young man be made to feel that the lady is lax in her notes of thanks; laxity might serve to discourage the unwelcome suitor, but it would also display lack of character and gentility in the girl. When gifts of a forbidden nature are offered, they must be promptly returned whether they issue from a welcome or an unwelcome source. The best course is to write a brief impartial note displaying no indignation or censure. She may just say she would much prefer a bunch of violets to so costly a gift. If the girl is still under the care of parents, she may say that her parents object to her acceptance of such gifts. The right thinking young man will not be offended at such action, 202 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS but will rather think more highly of the girl for so doing. By no means should he do otherwise than accept grace- fully the decision of so charming a lady. Differences of opinion exist between the best of friends, and occasionally wagers are made between a young man and a young lady. If the young man loses and offers to pay for his loss in a manner too extrava- gant, the same procedure as above described should be followed. That is, the lady should kindly refuse to accept an expensive payment, but should suggest that she would prefer a box of chocolates, flowers or some other trifle. CHAPERONAGE Long walks, drives into the country, sails upon the water, luncheon engagements at restaurants and other invitations of the ardent admirer should not be accepted unless the invitation includes a chaperon. This should be done out of respect for herself, in compliment to the young man, and as a sure sign that she is taking nothing for granted in so far as his intentions are concerned. ENGAGEMENT ASKING FATHER When a man and girl have decided to become en- gaged, the man’s first duty is to go to the girl’s father or guardian and ask approval. A negative reply would mean that the engagement cannot be. Here the young man may employ the old adage and “try, try again.” He may seek to win approval by some special effort of work, or furnish proof of his worth and seriousness. A second 203 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS refusal would mean that the couple must give up the idea of becoming engaged unless the girl is steadfast in her determination. If her decision is to marry, she should announce it clearly to her parents. If this seems impossible, she should at least not agree to say that she will not marry the young man. Should she agree not to marry and then do so anyway, she would be practicing deception. WHEN FATHER APPROVES The girl’s father usually knows that the couple have been associating for a considerable time and if he has: permitted this it is a fairly good sign that he considers the young man more or less acceptable. Consequently when the young man announces his wish to talk with the father, the father usually knows what it’s all about. He may ask whether his daughter has accepted the young man. This is just a formality. The young man should give information, or the father may ask, about the youth’s financial status and prospects. If these are not suitable to warrant an early marriage, the father usually asks the man to wait a while longer until he may have reached a position where the venture will be safer. If conditions are satisfactory the announcement may be made at once. HIS PARENTS CALL Within twenty-four hours of the acceptance of the young man by the father both his parents should call on hers. The only acceptable excuse for the non-appear- ance of either parent of the young man is sickness or absence from the city. The aunt or uncle or nearest 204 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS relative acts in the same capacity if both parents are dead. In the event that the young man’s parents are in deep mourning the visit must still be made, even ii the stay is only brief. If either family is in deep distress or mis- fortune, perhaps a postponement of the visit can be arranged. THE ENGAGEMENT RING A solitaire diamond is the conventional token that de- clares to the world the intention of a couple to live forever after for each other. Some girls may prefer another stone ; the choice should be leit to the girl. There is no objection, of course, if the young man gees out and buys the biggest diamond he can afford. The girl will no doubt be pleased. Sometimes a girl prefers to give a man an engagement present, but this is not customary nor compulsory. Giits to the man may be articles such as tie pin, cuff links, ‘waistcoat buttons, or some similar article of jewelry; very rarely does a girl give a man a ring. The engagement ring is to be worn for the first time— that is, exclusive of the times on which the girl slipped it on her finger to admire its splendor and beauty—on the day of the announcement. BEFORE THE ANNOUNCEMENT Both young people write letters to their relatives a num- ber of days before the formal announcement. These let- ters are for the purpose of giving the members of both families the news before it is announced, and to give the relatives of the groom-elect an opportunity to call on the bride-to-be. In these letters the relatives are also re- THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS quested to maintain secrecy until the public announce- ment. The girl does not call upon the man’s relatives until they have paid their visits of welcome, leaving their cards upon her. But when this has been done she must return all visits promptly. His people may give a luncheon or dinner before the engagement is announced, or a tea or dance in her honor after the announcement. If, on the other hand, his peo- ple are not in the habit of entertaining, their call upon her may be considered sufficient. The parents of the bride-to-be always make the an- nouncement. It is considered very improper for any member of either family who has been advised of the contemplated announcement to disclose the information before it is publicly announced by the young lady’s parents. A recent death in either immediate family requires postponement of the public announcement until the close of the first period of mourning. Some people are horrified at the idea of a wedding taking place at the bedside of a very sick person; but this is very proper and is often requested by the ill per- son. It is particularly done when the hope of recovery is slight and when the unfortunate one is very anxious to be present at the ceremony. In such case only the imme- diate families are present; the ceremony is simple and there is no celebration. A very simple and quiet wedding may also be held soon after a bereavement in either family. THE ANNOUNCEMENT The public announcement is made sometimes through the press, sometimes at a dinner given for the express 206 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS purpose, and usually by means of both, or by written notes sent by the mother to the ladies of her acquaint- ance, while the groom-elect writes to his friends and ac- quaintances. Engraved or printed announcement cards are never sent; they are considered very poor form. A note or telephone message is sent to the various daily papers. If the latter, the message is given to the society editor in somewhat the following formal manner: “Mr. and Mrs. Johnson T. Clarkton are announcing the en- gagement of their daughter Genevieve to Mr. Franklin Addams, son of Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Addams, of 500 Boulevard, New York.” If the parents of either the woman or the man are particularly prominent, the newspapers may send report- ers for further information, details of the wedding, and perhaps photographs. The present custom raises no ob- jection to giving any of these. But photographs should not be sent unless requested; the right to use them is ‘eserved by the editor. ANSWER THE ANNOUNCEMENT NOTE! A note of announcement should bring a prompt return of good wishes. Friends and relatives do not await the arrangement of a party or ceremony to personally express their congratulations. Friendly notes of kindly expression are posted at once. Intimate friends and relatives also call on the lady at once. Whether or not a call is made, one need have no fears that flowers with the sender’s wishes written on a calling card will not be appreciated. Such action is considered a particularly pleasing and thoughtful courtesy. 207 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ANSWER THE NOTES OF CONGRATULATION! Both bride-to-be and groom-elect are required to an- swer all notes of congratulation very promptly. The girl may answer those received by her in his behalf as well as her own, and he may do likewise. THE ANNOUNCEMENT DINNER Quite a popular custom has the announcement formally made in just so many words at a dinner usually given by the girl’s parents on the eve of the announcement day. About the middle of the course the girl’s father rises and proposes a toast: “I want to ask you all to join me in drinking to the future health and happiness of (raising his glass and looking toward his daughter) Genevieve, and (holding up his glass again and looking toward the young man) Franklin!” This is taken as the formal announcement of the engagement. All the guests rise and drink a portion of the contents of the glasses. The couple, who have remained seated, rise and stand to- gether as the guests come forward to express their good wishes and congratulations. The lady is, of course, the first recipient of these expressions. The guests offer their hands in turn and utter warm and friendly phrases: “This is indeed delightful news, and I sincerely wish you all good fortune.” “Tt is indeed a pleasure, Miss Clarkton, to be present to hear such pleasant tidings, and I am delighted to be among the first to offer you all good wishes.” | The congratulations to the groom-elect are usually 208 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS phrased a bit more simply: “This is good news, Mr. Addams (or more familiarly, Franklin!) and I sincerely congratulate you on your good fortune.” “Best wishes to you, old man, and hearty congratu- lations.” “This is the best news heard in a long time, Franklin; best wishes.” The responses by the couple are simple: “Thank you, I am pleased to have your blessing and approval,” “Thank you so much,” “You are very kind,” etc. The well-wishing over, the guests return to their places and usually request a speech from the lucky man. This is usually a brief expression of thanks, accompanied by the young man’s assurance that he considers himself very fortunate indeed. THE ANNOUNCEMENT DAY PARTY In New York and other big cities a party is very often held in the afternoon or evening of the announcement day. On such occasion there is no toast or general an- nouncement. The news has been broadcasted by the papers and letters sent out by the girl’s mother and by the young man. Those who are not yet acquainted with the _fact are not long held in ignorance, for the groom-elect is either receiving with his fiancée or is brought forward by the father and formally presented to them. The fortu- nate man receives the congratulations and the bride-to-be the best wishes of everybody present. When no dinner or entertainment is arranged for the announcement, (and it is not at all necessary to do so if one 1s not in the habit of entertaining) it is, customary for 209 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the mother of the girl to write notes of announcement stating that they will be at home on a certain afternoon at tea time. The proceedure is identically the same as on any other afternoon at home, but the groom-elect is present ~and receives with the fiancée and her mother. ENGAGEMENT PRESENTS As a general thing the giving of engagement presents is not customary. A few intimate friends may give the bride-to-be some personal token of good wishes, and the family of her fiancée may express their welcome to her with some charming little personal gift, but others need not do so. PARTIES GIVEN “FOR THE COUPES Usually a number of parties given for the couple fol- low the engagement announcement. First the parents of the groom-elect give a dance to formally and openly re- ceive the prospective daughter-in-law. Friends usually follow this example with dinners, teas, and luncheons, all of which are given in honor of the newly engaged couple. | GIFTS WHICH A BRIDE-TO-BE MAY ACCEPT Throughout the engagement period a groom-elect is usually bent on showering gifts upon his love. If the future welfare will not permit such expense the girl should discourage it. But if there is no cause for con- cern she may accept flowers regularly, and anything else, except wearing apparel or anything that might be classed 210 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS as “maintenance.” In this class are also considered an automobile, a house or furniture.. A piece of personal adornment such as a plume, a pretty collar, a scarf, or something of like nature, is permissible. Such things are luxuries, but on no condition must the girl accept anything that may be classed as a necessity. The lady of dignity and reserve will not infract this rule. PERFECT ACTIONS OF THE ENGAGED COUPLE It is during the engagement period that the couple actually begins a close association. They are usually seen everywhere together, and though they do not know it, all eyes are them. The well bred couple need not be cautioned against a flagrant show of devotion in public places. Actions speak louder than words. Some vulgar couples cuddle and coo to the utter embarrassment and chagrin of all witnesses. The next minute they cause consternation by fretting and fussing. So often has the advice been given in this book to be reserved and calm at all times that it should not bear further repetition here. Emotions of either nature should be restrained for private display. Two devoted people cannot disguise the true adoration that one feels for the other. The man shows it in the way his eyes follow every movement of the “only girl,” and the girl shows it in her regard for the “most wonderful man.” Ready agreement to any wish of the other, friendliness toward all, no lack of interest in others, and a spreading of the love of every- thing beautiful, these are the things that prolong the life of the saying, “all the world loves a lover.” 2iI THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS DOES THE COUPLE REQUIRE A CHAPERON®? The self respect of both individuals and the respect of one for the other should be all the chaperonage required of any engaged couple. But the laws of good form decree that a couple must not dine together in a restau- rant, but they may have lunch or afternoon tea, and they may go to the opera or theater together; but at road-houses or on an overnight journey a chaperon should accompany them. However, it is advisable, if desirous of being on the safe side, to consult the custom | of the locality if in doubt. THE LONG ENGAGEMENT It would seem wiser to postpone the engagement a great length of time than to postpone the marriage. If there are good reasons to put off the wedding and these reasons exist before announcing the engagement, it would prove far more advisable to delay the announcement until the unfavorable conditions cease to exist, and then follow soon after with the wedding. A girl and man that want each other badly enough need no such thing as an engagement to be certain of one another. There exists between them an unspoken understanding which is binding indeed. But whatever the cause, long drawn- out engagements do not seem advisable. It is true that the long engagement gives the couple sufficient time to become well acquainted, but on the other hand it also gives all their friends too much time to become acquainted with too many other interests. Bie THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Engaged people are usually interesting only to them- selves. Their thoughts and interests are centered on each other. Friends and acquaintances are permitted to drift to others. The girl’s men friends stay away, her girl friends and his gentlemen friends do not wish to en- croach on the couple’s time together (or be slowly bored to death), her family begins to feel that she keeps aloof, his family is sure that he does (for they never see him), and all around there is created a general feeling of unrest and the wish that “they’d hurry and get married.” The question as to whether a long engagement should be announced or not is answered above. If the matter comes to the point of announcing, and it is known at that time that the engagement will be a long one, it is not well to become engaged and keep the fact secret, but better to become engaged at some later date. It should be borne in mind that without a definite announce- ment of engagement, people may only assume. They see that a man and girl apparently care for one another, but they cannot know anything. But with the announcement goes the feeling. “I thought so; now it’s time to leave them entirely to themselves.” And that is what invari- ably happens. | Personal judgment should be used in this matter, but whatever is decided, the truth should not be kept secret. THE RELATIVES MEET THE PARENTS It is customary to have the near relatives of both . families meet the parents of the interested persons. The parents of the groom are invited to dine at the house of the bride, on which occasion her aunts, uncles, and . 213 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS cousins are present. Shortly after, the girl’s parents go to the groom’s house to meet his aunts, uncles and cousins. Nothing further is expected of these meetings than to give all the relatives on each side the opportunity of knowing by sight at least, the parents of the other interested person. THE BROKEN ENGAGEMENT If for any cause an engagement is “broken off,” the announcement statement of the cause is usually left by the gentleman to the lady and her family. He permits everybody to feel that the dissolution is the wish of the lady. He makes no explanations and no contradictions. Directly after the absolution he returns all of the lady’s letters and her gifts, and she returns the engagement ring and all other valuable gifts, but the lady may retain, if she wishes the courtship letters, and return only those received during the engagement. The lady usually writes briefly to friends and relatives stating the change of plans. If her feelings are too wounded to do this her mother may relieve her of this delicate task. If the announcement of engagement was ceremoniously made, the annulment may be very simply handled by having a modest statement of the change printed in the society column of the local news- papers. Ordinarily, however, the lady personally informs her friends of the breach, or else the responsibility of this verbal declaration is assumed by the mother or a matron friend. It is not polite to ask information about such things. 214 CHAPTER I] WEDDING PREPARATIONS THE DATE When the engaged people have determined in their own minds the approximate time of year or a definite day upon which they would like to be married, and the day and time have been set with consideration for the con- venience of everybody immediately concerned, the bride’s mother must find out whether the appointed time is ac- ‘ceptable to the functionary who is to perform the cere- mony. If the wedding is to be held in church, one must be certain that there is no other function scheduled at the church for that day. The caterer must also be consid- ered if one wishes immaculate service. Most weddings being more or less festive, they should not be arranged for Sundays or during Lent. Fridays should not be chosen as a wedding day, for, though it be not forbidden in all churches, it should be borne in mind that Friday is nevertheless a fast day. THE MOTHERS ARRANGE THE LISTS The day and hour of the wedding definitely set, the mother of the bride invites the mother of the groom to assist in the compilation of the lists. These are deter- mined by the nature of the wedding and the reception and the number of guests to be included at the reception. 215 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Both mothers include in their lists the names of people who frequently visit them and upon whom they call. Added to these are the names of the friends of both bride and groom. Wedding invitations may be sent to even very distant friends-or relatives, not in the expectation that they will be present at the wedding or reception, but more as an announcement of the wedding when no special announcements are to be sent out. INVITATIONS The bride-elect and her mother select and order the wedding stationery. This usually includes house invita- tions, if there is to be a reception, church invitations, and announcements. The stationery should be of a good, quality and texture, and should be snow-white and with- out adornment. If the invitations are to be formal, they must always be in the third person, whether written or engraved. The type of engraving is preferably script, though other types may be chosen. The invitation or an- nouncement sheet is given one fold (it is delivered by the engraver with the first fold already made) and placed in the inclosure, or inner, envelope. On the inclosure enve- lope is written the name of the person invited, but no address ever appears on this envelope, and since the flap is not gummed, the envelope cannot be sealed. The flap is tucked in and the inclosure envelope is placed in the outer or address envelope, which is of the samé quality and texture as the inner envelope. This is addressed and mailed. Invitations to the reception are inclosed with the church invitations for those who are to be present at the © 216 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS house after the ceremony. General church invitations and house invitations should be mailed about three weeks before the date of the wedding. General announcements, which constitute neither invi- tation to the house or church, require the same kind of note sheet as those used for the wedding invitation, and they are treated in the same way as the invitations. They do not state the place at which the wedding takes place, or took place, rather, for the announcements are usually sent out immediately after the wedding day. A WEDDING INVITATION Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Ford Wallace request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Helen Rita to Mr. Charles Joseph Rockman on Thursday, the eleventh of January, at half after six o’clock St. Paul’s Church WHEN THE BRIDE HAS NO CONNECTIONS When the bride-elect has no family connections, the invitation is worded as follows: The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of Ella May Edsoll with Mr. William Lloyd Williams CLC BCeree a17 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS INVITATION TO HOME WEDDING The invitation to the home wedding is exactly the same as the church invitation, but the home address re- places the name of the church, and the favor of an answer is requested. WEDDING RECEPTION INVITATION Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Ford Wallace request the pleasure of your company at the wedding breakfast of their daughter Helen Rita and Mr. Charles Joseph Rockman on Thursday, the eleventh of January, at half after six o’clock 400 Boulevard R.s. v. p. WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Ford Wallace have the honor to announce the marriage of their daughter Helen Rita to Mr. Charles Joseph Rockman on Thursday, the eleventh of January, nineteen hundred and twenty-three at St. Paul’s Church A COMBINATION INVITATION Sometimes the invitation to the reception is combined with that to the ceremony, as follows: 218 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Mr. and Mrs. Brockton Marshall request the honor of (name written) presence at the marriage of their daughter Marietta to Mr. Jeremiah Jennings on Thursday the second of May at three o’clock at St. Paul’s Church and afterward at Greendell Brightlawn Bs Sept If the hour of the ceremony is such as to require a breakfast, the invitation might read “and afterwards at breakfast at Greendell.” On the invitations one must always say “at breakfast,” never “at the reception.” INFORMAL WRITTEN INVITATIONS For the very small wedding which is not deemed large enough to warrant the engraving of invitations, the bride may personally write notes. Those invited to such a wedding are usually relatives or very close friends, so that the invitations are written in the first person and in familiar style; but nothing except the details of in- formation should be written in such notes. INVITATIONS TO RECEPTION ONLY Often brides prefer to have none but the family at the church ceremony, and to have a big reception afterwards. The style of invitation sheets and envelopes is the same 219 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS as for the invitations to the ceremony, but the wording is as follows: Mr. and Mrs. Brockton Marshall request the pleasure of your company at the wedding breakfast of their daughter Marietta to Mr. Jeremiah Jennings on Thursday the second of May at one o’clock at 400 Boulevard The favor of an answer is requested INVITATIONS TO A SECOND MARRIAGE Invitations to the wedding of a young widow are sent out in the name of her parents, and her own name is engraved, for example, Mrs. Marietta Lamont Smithers, Lamont being her name before her first marriage and Smithers the name of her first husband. The widow who has no connections, or is mature, sends invitations as above described for those without connections and en- graves her name the same as the above given example. CARDS OF ADDRESS Cards announcing that Mr. and Mrs. Newlywed will be at home after such and such a date are sometimes placed in the envelopes with the invitations. Or a simple visiting card bearing the name and address-to-be of Mr. and Mrs. Newlywed are used. 220 ee ee THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE WEDDING HOUR Wedding etiquette on the Atlantic coast decrees that weddings are to be celebrated not later than four-thirty o'clock in the afternoon. This means that the wedding must of necessity be held before or not later than four o'clock. In New York it is fashionable to set the hour at noon or in the afternoon at three, three-thirty or four o'clock. The wedding held at noon means that breakfast takes place at one o’clock. A wedding at nine o’clock in the morning is charming—unconventionality reigns, the bride wears a simple gown of organdie or white crépe de chine—and breakfast is breakfast! THE EVENING WEDDING Though eastern etiquette objects to weddings after four-thirty, there are those who prefer to follow the western style of holding the wedding in the evening. The arrangements are the same as those for the afternoon wedding, but the dress is more elaborate and is, of course, strictly evening dress. At the evening church wedding the women should wear wraps and scarfs or some other light covering for the head. Ball dresses are not suitable for church wear. THE SMALL HOUSE WEDDING The perfect little house wedding should be made a miniature church wedding. There should be some attempt to arrange a chancel (if not a prayer bench), at 221 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS which the rector may perform the ceremony. This is best accomplished with a setting of greens—palms or something of like nature. Customarily the bride and groom with their attendants sit at a separate table at breakfast. But if there are no attendants a few close friends are chosen to sit with the bride and groom. If the number present is very small, they may all sit together at the same table. A light lunch may permissibly be served to a con- siderable number of guests in the same manner in which an afternoon tea is served, with refreshments consisting of sandwiches, cakes, tea, or chocolate. THE ELABORATE WEDDING The most elaborate wedding possible is one such as might be held by the daughter of a very rich family. The church is decorated with masses of flowers. Hang- ing garlands encircle the walls of the church, the pews bear clusters of flowers at the ends, the chancel is fower- bedecked, and often a floral archway covers the entire aisle to the chancel. The service is conducted by a dis- tinguished clergyman. The musical accompaniment con- sists of a full choral service often rendered still more beautiful by the presence of a leading opera soloist. The attire of the bride and bridesmaids is the acme of per- fection. No detail is overlooked and no expense spared. In a bower of sweet smelling flowers the bridal pair receive at the house after the wedding. Practically the whole house is turned into a fairyland of flowers. Strains of sweet and unceasing music issue from the very flowers, as it were; the musicians are not seen. One orchestra stops and the other immediately takes up another strain. 222 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE POOR GIRL’S WEDDING Riches can never buy charm. The poor girl with simple attire, married in a tumble down shack, may achieve a greater success than the girl whose financial resources are unlimited. The price of personality is beyond the reach of the total wealth of all the million- aires in the world. The girl whose parents have not sufficient funds to give her even a semi-elaborate wedding will not be discouraged, if her sentiments are of the true character. She will with her own hands dress up the little home in such fashion as to make it the source of admiration of every lover of the beautiful. She will with the magic fingers of the woman of charm “touch up” her person with little flowers plucked from her own garden, so that her being radiates that something which is the aspiration of the feminine soul. Her personal splendor will supply the necessary lustre. THE GROOM MUST NOT GIVE THE WEDDING Never, under any circumstances, must a wedding be arranged by the groom, or held at his house. All wed- ding arrangements should be made in accordance with the means of-the girl’s parents. Everybody will appre- ciate the wisdom of a reception expenditure within the limits of advisability, while an extravagant show seems inappropriate. After the wedding has taken place, of course, there is no limit to what the man’s family may do in the way of receptions, balls, dinners or entertain- ments in behalf of the girl. 223 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE TROUSSEAU The modern meaning of the word trousseau is derived from the French verb trousser which means to tie up, to tuck up, to turn up or to pin up. In former days the ntuins and school boarders, etc., carried a little outfit which was usually “tucked up.” From this habit of carrying a little tucked up bundle the word trousseau came into use, the little bundle being called “la trousseau.” Later the term came to be used for a bundle of clothing, linens, etc., taken by the bride when she left the home of her parents. Today the bundle has grown into a load which could not conveniently be “tucked up.” Every girl is anxious to have the trousseau consist of as many pretty things as she is possibly able to gather together. The personal trousseau is usually given partic- ular attention. In place of the very simple wrappers, undergarments and morning dress worn by a girl at home, the mother usually buys all of these in the dain- tiest possible designs and styles. These things are con- sidered more important than the selection of dresses, hats and garments of outer wear. Table linens, bedsheets, pillowcases, towels, etc., should be supplied in quantities sufficiently large and in quality proportionate to the purse of the girl’s parents. The personal trousseau may consist of dresses, hats, cloaks, shoes, gloves, etc., dependent upon the place to which the girl is going and the place in which she is to live. It is not good form to have an “open exhibition” of a trousseau. Close friends may be shown all or part of the “bundle.” 224 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE BRIDESMAIDS To the girl who has many dear friends the selection of bridesmaids is rather a difficult question. There is no limit to the number of bridesmaids a girl may choose, and if she follows the English custom she must also in- clude every younger relative, as flower girls and pages, in the procession. . If she has a sister, the sister should be maid of honor, otherwise an intimate friend may fill the post. The bridesmaids may all be married, but if they are married, the maid of honor should not be an un- married girl. There may be no bridesmaids at all, but at a church wedding one should not dispense with the maid or matron of honor. Wedding dresses always require more or less attention and on the occasion of her wedding a bride is practically helpless to help herself, so that at least one wedding attendant is always necessary. WHAT THE BRIDESMAIDS WEAR The selection of the complete costumes for the brides- maids is made by the bride. It would be impossible here to attempt to say what might be selected, for that is a matter of personal taste and desire. It must be said, however, that all the dress and hat materials must be light in weight and fragile, and generally more suitable to evening than daytime. The dress material of all the bridesmaids must be of uniform texture, and the hats must be of one style and material. It is customary to have the bridesmaids all dressed exactly alike in every respect, but those wishing a show of color may accom- 225 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS plish this end by varying the colors of the dresses and hats and flowers of equal numbers of the bridesmaids. The first two may have dresses of the color of the bou- quets and flowers on the hats of the other two, while the second pair have dresses of the same color as the bou- quets and flowers on the hats of the first two. The maid of honor wears a dress of another color, and her hat is trimmed with flowers of both colors worn by the two pairs of bridesmaids. All wear slippers and stockings to match their dresses, while the gloves of all are of the same color. If the bridesmaids are all dressed in the same colors, the maid of honor, though wearing a dress of the same style and texture of material, reverses the colors. It is very inappropriate for girls to enter a church highly rouged and powdered. THE BRIDESMAID WHO IS IN MOURNING A girl who is in deepest mourning should not be a bridesmaid unless at a very private wedding of a friend who is also in mourning. At such a wedding the wed- ding attire would be very moderate, so that she would be required to wear white. A bridesmaid not in deep mourning must for the sake of uniformity wear the color required. She should not wear a black band on her arm. WHO PAYS THE BRIDESMAIDS’ EXPENSES? Every article worn by bridesmaids, flower girls, and pages is paid for by those who wear them. Though the bride selects the entire costume, she is only called upon to pay the minor accessories, such as fans, para- sols, or bouquets, whichever are carried. In order to 226 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS insure having the friends she might like to have as bridesmaids, who might not otherwise be in a position to act as such, a bride may furnish the costumes for all if she has the means. Unless the bride is able to send the bridesmaids to reputable establishments to have the costumes made, it is not advisable for her to attempt paying for the costumes herself, for it may be disastrous to the perfect appearance of her attendants to send them to places of inferior reputation. The bride should attend the final fitting of the brides- maids’ costumes, to be certain that they are as she wanted them. This should be done several days before the wed- ding takes place, so that there is sufficient time to make alterations if necessary. The bride may on this occasion try on her own dress to get the effect of the whole picture. THE BRIDEGROOM’S “TROUSSEAUD” A bridegroom should have a plentiful supply of the clothes required for daily life. His wardrobe may be replenished in any and all departments, but he does not make up a trousseau in the way a bride does it—if he does, it is not for display! THE BRIDEGROOMW’S WEDDING CLOTHES At the morning or afternoon wedding the bridegroom wears a morning coat (cutaway), with dark striped gray trousers. Convention calls for a black waistcoat to match the coat, but in the spring a high white double- breasted piqué waistcoat is very often worn by the groom and the best man. The white edge on a waistcoat, like 227 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the frock coat, is not good form to-day. He may wear a four-in-hand tie of a dark color with a thin stripe, which is to match those worn by the ushers; or he may wear a bow tie of black with a very fine stripe of white, or a silk patterned tie of gray or some light shade. He, of course, wears a boutonniere. Gray suede gloves are conventional, although white buckskin are considered very smart. White kid may only be worn in the eve- ning. Silk hats must be worn by the groom, best man, and ushers, and the groom must carry a walking stick. There prevails a tendency at country weddings for the ushers to go gloveless! THE BEST MAN The bridegroom’s brother or best friend is the best man. A bridegroom never goes without a best man. WHAT THE BEST MAN WEARS The best man is dressed exactly like the bridegroom, with the exception of the boutonniére, which varies slightly from that of the groom. Sometimes the ties of the two most important men are different, but their gen- eral costume is the same as that of the ushers. THE USHERS The size of the church and the number of guests in- vited governs the number of ushers requested to serve. The house wedding requires no ushers, but generally a few friends are asked to serve in an honorary capacity. Ushers are generally intimate friends, so that the invita- 228 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS tions to them are informally worded in notes such as men friends might write to one another. The date, time, and place of the wedding are given, as is the date of the bridegroom’s bachelor dinner. WHAT THE USHERS WEAR The ushers are just as important to the picture as a whole as any other part of the picture. It is absolutely essential that they be uniformly dressed. Their uni- forms are usually the same as those worn by the groom and best man, but they customarily adhere strictly to the black single-breasted waistcoat. In order to attain uni- formity, it is not inadvisable to send the ushers direc- tions for rehearsals, at which they are requested to “turn out” in “full dress.” It may then be seen how nearly uniform their dress is, and if any differ from the rest, they may be politely requested to change in this or that respect. THE HEAD USHER If there is a head usher, he is not such by appointment, but is merely considered so because of the duties falling upon him. It is customary to call the man who takes the bride’s mother to her seat the head usher. Sometimes the groom selects a particularly reliable friend in whom he can place more than the average responsibility. This friend is requested to be certain that all details are prop- erly and promptly carried out. Besides appointing the ushers to the various aisles, the groom usually leaves all other arrangements to be taken care of by the ushers. One of them looks out for the bride’s coming and hastens to notify the groom. Two others take the mothers up 229 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS © the aisle. These ushers are usually selected according to their height. Each is expected to be of nearly the height of the mother he is to escort. THE BRIDESMAIDS’ LUNCHEON It is not customary in New York to give a farewell luncheon to the bridesmaids. Very likely the girls run in every day to see the bride-to-be and the new pres- ents as they come in, or to help her in ‘the compilation of the gift book or in arranging the gifts, ete. But there are sections in the country, however, where the bridesmaids are invited to a farewell luncheon. The table is bedecked with dainty colors and there is a bride’s cake, and there are favors and mottoes and sometimes little surprises, and the whole affair is very pleasant. GIFTS TO THE BRIDESMAIOS The day before the wedding the bridesmaids usually lunch informally with the bride. At this time the bride gives them each a-present. This is usually something to wear. If they are to carry parasols or muffs at the wedding, these are usually given them on this occasion. The usual gift, however, is a small piece of jewelry. THE BACHELOR DINNER The much-touted bachelor dinner is usually a very decent affair. Perhaps the idea of wild boisterous riots at which whole sets of dishes are broken became preva- lent through the habit of breaking the stems of the : 230 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS glasses from which the toast to the bride is drunk. And the underlying idea in breaking the glasses is such a noble and chivalrous thought! The “terrible” glass breaking is done so that the glasses may never serve a purpose less honorable than to hold the drinks that were taken in honor of the bride! Near the end of the dinner the groom-elect rises, raises his filled glass on high, and says, “To the bride!’ All the men rise and drink the toast and then break the stems of the glasses. In every respect the bachelor dinner is exactly like the ordinary dinner given to a group of men. The hilar- ity or lack of it depends upon the nature and age of the guests. It is customary to have some form of enter- tainment, but very generally the guests do their own singing and furnish their own entertainment, and have a splendid time doing it. Sometimes the dinner is the overture to a theatre party. In this case it is, of course, very short. GIFTS TO THE USHERS Gifts by the groom to the ushers are. generally put at their places at the bachelor dinner. Any little article of jewelry, or perhaps some leather novelty, or a walk- ing stick, or something of like nature is satisfactory. The gift to the best man is of slightly greater value than those to the ushers. DINNER FOR BRIDESMAIDS AND USHERS For a country wedding which requires the bridesmaids and ushers to come a distance, and stop either at the home of the bride or somewhere in the vicinity, a dinner 231 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS for the visitors is a natural consequence. But dinners for the wedding attendants have for some reason gone out of vogue in the city. Sometimes dinners are ar- ranged in the city, but these affairs serve rather to get - together the attendants on the night preceding the wed- ding for a church rehearsal. Rehearsals are, however, most generally held in the afternoon, after which every- , body goes to the bride’s house for tea. But they do not stay long, for courtesy demands that they permit the parents to have their daughter for themselves the entire evening of her last day at home, and to permit her to go to bed early to be “more than herself” on the mo- mentous to-morrow. THE REHEARSAL It is expecting too much to think for a moment that any set of people can go through any given set of mo- tions flawlessly the first time. It is not even expected of a theatrical group that their first performance of a play they have long rehearsed will be properly done. There are always points to be smoothed off and high lights to be burnished in. For this reason it is decidedly important that the people who are to act a certain part at a wedding ceremony should have at least one rehearsal to familiarize them with their parts, cues, and the parts of the other actors. The bride coaches the rehearsal, but a superstition that it is a token of misfortune, forbids her to take part. The bride, who is stolid in her lack of superstition may, if she can find an entire “troupe” of attendants to sus- tain her, play her part at the rehearsal. But the con- 232 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ventional procedure is to have some one else take her part. And this really has the added feature of giving the bride an opportunity of observing the entire produc- tion and determining whether everything is satisfactory. DRILLING THE PROCESSION The procession is the part of the ceremony which it is most important to perform well. The bride and groom will say “I do” quite naturally, even if timidly. But the wedding procession is the “opening action,” and is an action bringing in so many people that it is, of course, doubly impressive. The way the opening action is im- pressed upon the audience depends on how well drilled the “company” is and how well it performs. The proper performance requires the presence of the organist at the rehearsal. The most attention should be centered on the step of the marchers. Too slow or too rapid a step will cause confusion at the aisle’s end. An uneven step and people out of step and out of rhythm will give the marchers an appearance of so many jack- in-the-boxes bobbing up and down. The entire object to be gained in drilling the marchers is to get the bride and groom together at the chancel steps at the precise moment that the music ceases. This requires that the bars of the processional be counted and the steps from the vestibule be counted and measured to determine the correct pace to be set by the leaders. To simplify the tests, it is only necessary to have the ushers try the march | down the aisle a few times to the accompaniment of the organ, the bride and her mother and the balance of the attendants determining when the ushers have hit the proper stride. 233 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS When the pace has been regulated, the entire com- pany may then go through the complete rehearsal. The ushers lead, the shortest first; the bridesmaids follow according to height, just as the ushers. Next comes the maid or matron of honor, followed by the flower girls, and, last of all, the pseudo-bride leaning on the arm of the father. It is very important that the father take part in the rehearsal. His part is an important one and needs practice. The pages, if there are any, follow the bride and hold her train. All the marchers walk two and two, except the lady of honor. Each pair follows the one before by four paces or beats of music. The secret of success in flawlessly performing the professional is de- pendent upon getting the correct start, and the correct start is made by simply watching the steps of those gone before. When the two in front are four paces ahead, the two behind start out with the left foot, and so on until all except the bride and father have started. These two wait until the two before them are eight paces ahead, then they start, with the left foot first. AT THE CHANCEL The arrangement at the chancel depends upon the size of the church. But certain definite arrangements are applicable to all churches. At the foot of the chancel the ushers divide, half going to the right and the other half to the left. The bridesmaids follow suit and stand before the ushers. Never do all the ushers go to one side of the chancel and the bridesmaids to the other. The maid of honor goes to the left at the foot of the steps, and the grouping of the flower girls and pages should be arranged so that they fit best in the picture. 234 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ENTRANCE OF THE BRIDEGROOM The groom follows the rector from the vestry, and be- hind the groom comes the best man. The rector pro- ceeds to the chancel, while the bridegroom takes his place at the foot of the steps at the right, with the best man directly behind him. The clergyman, the groom, and the best man, who start to their places with the opening strain of the music, reach their places first. The bridesmaids and the ushers pass before the best man and groom if they are going up the chancel steps, but behind if the entire ceremony is to be held at the foot of the chancel. These details are, of course, dependent upon the size of the church and the best judgment of those arranging the ceremony. If the entry from the vestry leads right into the chancel, the groom stands behind the clergyman in the chancel, and when the bride approaches he goes, followed by the best man, down the steps to meet the bride. This movement is made toward the right of the chancel (which, from the groom’s position, is his left). If the entrance from the vestry brings the groom to the foot of the chancel steps, he makes only one step forward to meet the bride. The understudy for the bride takes her left hand from the father’s arm (the father walks on the left of the bride), shifts whatever is representing the bou- quet to her left hand, and extends her right hand to the bridegroom. The bridegroom takes the extended hand in his right hand and places the right arm under his left, turning at the same time to the chancel, and leads her up the steps, if this is required. If the ceremony is held at the foot of the chancel, the bridegroom merely takes 235 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the bride’s right hand in his left, and they stand as they are. THE ORGANIST’S CUE When the groom takes the bride’s hand, the organist has received his cue to stop playing. This tells him just how many bars are required to complete the entire procession. A few more trials should give the marchers the required practice to insure a smooth-running per- formance. The number of bars to complete the proces- sion and the ending point in the music also enables the organist to determine at just which bar in the music the procession must start. It seems rather chopped off and sudden to have the music stopped at just a certain point without some sort of ending, so that, if preferable, the organist may complete the bar and then finish with an ending with the closing bars of the processional; but the music must not continue too long after the bride has reached her place. If the ceremony is to be held in the chancel, the bride and bridegroom go slowly up the steps of the chancel to the last strains of the organ, and the maid of honor follows to the left, with best man at the right. In the absence of a maid of honor, the “first” bridesmaid acts in the same capacity from this point on. The maid of honor and the best man stand behind and respectively to the left and right of the bride and bride- groom. No part of the nuptials is ever rehearsed, but the necessary details may be explained. The recessional is then rehearsed. The bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor, and the best man gives the bridegroom the ring (in pantomime), the recessional is played, and the recessional march is practiced. This, 236 | THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS of course, is done in the reversed order, the bride and groom taking the lead, followed by the bridesmaids and the ushers. It is important to carry out the recessional in perfect harmony and form. All the participants should take pains to step out with the left foot firs and maintain the same pace that was used coming in. Eight paces or beats must separate the bride and groom and the bridesmaids, who follow them, while four paces or beats separate the others, just as in the processional. Never should the ushers go out side by side with the bridesmaids. The maid of honor leaves as she came, alone; while the best man goes to the vestry for his and the bridegroom’s hat and stick. He must hasten to meet the couple in front of the church. THE BRIDEGROOM’S OBLIGATIONS THE WEDDING RING No man should assume to buy a wedding ring on his own responsibility; the bride should by all means accom- pany her intended husband to make the selection. She is to wear it all her days, and it should be pleasing to her. Furthermore, it must fit, for it seems not so pleasant, for sentimental reasons, to have a wedding ring altered, unless absolutely necessary. THE WEDDING TRIP Arrangements should be made by the groom far enough in advance to be certain of every convenience on the wedding trip. It may be considered excusable for a very busy married man to be lax at times, but for a newly- G. Man.—I 237 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS wed, never! Reservations for hotel accommodations, parlor cars, staterooms, sleepers, etc., can be made just as soon as the plans for the trip are definitely settled. Proscrastination is an unnecessary evil, and is inexcus- _able in such a case. Everything for complete convenience and enjoyment should be arranged in sufficient time to assure a successful trip. Expense of the Trip No true groom need be told that all the expenses for the wedding trip are to be borne by him. In fact, no true groom would for a minute tolerate anyone else paying for even a trolley transfer on the trip of trips, and as for permitting the bride to pay for any of it—incompre- hensible!—to the real man, regardless of the riches of his wife and his own poverty. There is no objection, however, to a man driving his wife on their wedding trip in her own car, provided he pays all the expenses incurred on the trip. It would be permissible, too, for him to use her father’s yacht under the same conditions. INCIDENTAL EXPENSES Besides the gifts to the ushers and best man, as pre- viously described, the groom must furnish the ties, gloves and boutonniéres*for all the men attendants, the bouquet for his bride and the clergyman’s fee. This latter may range from ten dollars (preferably a gold piece) to whatever amount the man is able and willing to give. The fee is enclosed in an envelope and taken in charge by the best man to give to the clergyman in the vestry room after the ceremony. 238 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE WEDDING PRESENTS WHAT THE BRIDEGROOM GIVES THE BRIDE Something of personal adornment must constitute the groom’s wedding gift to the bride. It may be small or it may be large, but it must be something of personal adornment. The man should spend for this gift to the utmost of his ability, but of course within reason. If the man can afford it, he will be delighted to take his fiancée to a good jeweler’s and let her have her choice. THE GIFT BOOK Each gift received by the bride should be entered at once into a Gift Book, one of which may be bought at any good stationer’s. Or if one wishes, they may be entered in any pretty note book that is large enough and fit to keep. The points to be noted are: Date present was received, Article, Sent by, Sender’s address, Where bought, Date of letter of thanks. If all the particulars are promptly entered, including always the sender’s address a great deal of difficulty will be avoided in send- ing notes of thanks or in personally thanking donors at the reception or whenever they are met. DISPLAYING THE PRESENTS Care and consideration, those fundamental principles of good manners, play an important part in the arrang- ing of the wedding presents, a very important part indeed! It is so wonderful to be made at ease over a thing that may have caused you some doubt and worry, 239 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS and when you find that the one to whom you have given a present is so entirely pleased with it and has given it a good and appropriate place among the other gifts, you are content. The gifts should be so arranged that the smaller and less expensive do not suffer by com- parison with the bigger and more elaborate, that the gifts not so reflective of good taste are not made to look _ ridiculous by comparison with the beautiful. All presents are given in a spirit of kindness and should be received and treated in the same way. Neither should duplicates be placed together, for the donors are always made to feel that they made a poor selection. Space permitting, the gifts should be arranged around the sides of a room especially cleared and arranged for the purpose. Tables with white table cloths may serve as counters on which to display the presents. If the cards of the senders remain attached to the presents, the answering and re-answering of a great deal of questions may be obviated and everyone receives due credit. WHEN THE PRESENTS MAY BE SHOWN If room in the house permits, the wedding presents may be shown at the reception. If not, they may be shown the day before. Intimate friends are asked to call at tea time on the day preceding the wedding, if the presents are ot to be shown at the reception. Very intimate friends usually drop in from time to time to see ‘what else has come. THE MATTER OF INITIALS It seems rather a foolish custom to give a girl about to change her initials anything bearing the initials of 240 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS her pre-marriage name. The gifts are her property, it is true, but she is going to use them only after her initials have been changed, and unless her last initial happens to be the same after marriage as it was before, it seems rather thoughtless and stupid to give her things with initials that are not going to be her’s for the major part of the life of the gift. Some considerate people bear this in mind when making wedding presents, and oc- casionally a bride-to-be asks intimate friends to use the initials that are to be hers. THE DELAYED PRESENT When presents are not sent until after the wedding, due to the illness of the sender, a short note of explana- tion should accompany the gift. EXCHANGING PRESENTS The person who gives a present with good intention and the hope that the bride will find some use for the object presented should not feel hurt if the bride happens to receive one or more duplicates and exchanges all but one, if one of the particular article is sufficient. Indeed, it should be a source of gratification to the giver to know that an apparently useless article can be exchanged for something that will give the recipient much pleasure. It must be understood, of course, that a bride may not exchange the presents given her by the groom’s family or her own family without the consent of the giver. 241 CHAPTER ITI THE WEDDING DAY PREPARATIONS AT THE BRIDE’S HOME What a short day is a wedding day! Get up and be doing as early as they may, there cannot possibly be time enough to have everything in readiness! And yet, some- how or other things seem to go, perhaps somewhat after the fashion of the old college song: “You may pull the damper out; You may push the damper in, And the smoke goes up the chimney just the same!” What a hustle and bustle! A scene for a Dickens to describe! Caterers and florists lay waste the rooms! ——and promise to put them into presentable shape before the time for the reception! It seems impossible. The door bell seems to be ringing incessantly. Telegrams, bulking bundles, vari-shaped parcels and packages, the belated tokens of friendship and esteem arrive intermit- tently. An almost steady stream of delivery men come and go. Friends, relatives, and trades people are ushered in and out; the bride is in constant demand. DUTIES. OF THE BESTsMAN Among others, the best man arrives at the home of the bride to take her luggage away. This is one of the 242 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS many duties to be performed by the best man. He must take the bride’s luggage in charge and see that it and the groom’s are forwarded to the express company. In fact, the best man very often attends to the entire pack- ing of the groom’s things, to be certain that everything necessary is packed and that no unnecessary articles are permitted to take up valuable space. He must see that the groom’s traveling suit is taken to the bride’s house and placed in the room allotted to him for making the change from the wedding costume. He takes all the bag- gage to hotel, pier, or station, and makes all the arrange- ments for its proper disposition. The next important duty of the best man is to the groom himself. He must see that this nervous and fid- geting gentleman is early and properly dressed; help him find this, that, and the other elusive article that was just in sight, but somehow or other is not there when it is wanted. The groom must also be checked up, to be cer- tain that all his responsibilities have been taken care of; that the bride’s bouquet has been -ordered; that the clergyman’s fee is ready, and, most important of all, that the ring is in his hands. This and the clergyman’s fee are always given in charge of the best man. All his duties in hand, the best man then becomes escort to the groom. They go to the church together and walk to the chancel together; in everything the best man is, in truth, the “best”? man. THE BRIDE’S WEDDING ATTIRE Three important articles must, ’tis said, be worn by every bride. These are: a ring on her finger, a brooch 243 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS on her breast, and a garland on her head. Of these the garland is the most important. It is an emblem of virtue, and, regardless of what else may be lacking in the bride’s costume, the garland must be there. It is made of myrtle leaves or orange blossoms. These, in combination with her white dress, are the emblems of the virgin bride. Other colors, with the possible exception of cloth of silver, or very light cream, are not worn by the maiden bride. Cloth of gold may be worn by a widow on the occasion of her second wedding. The selection of the veil, or veils if the bride is very young and wishes to follow the very old custom of wearing a face veil, are the choice of the bride herself, but it must be white. There are several old sentiments that brides love to comply with. They are embodied in the lines: “Something old, something new, Something borrowed, something blue, And a lucky sixpence in your shoe!” Old lace, that of the groom’s or her own mother’s, may be worn; the wedding attire usually contains some- thing new, and a pin borrowed from the maid of honor or one of the bridesmaids, may be both borrowed and blue, while the sixpence may be a dime. Some brides prefer to remove the glove of the left hand at the altar. Others simply have the under seam of the one finger cut open and the loose finger turned in, and, if the wedding is a small one, some prefer to wear no gloves at all. For a country wedding, no gloves is fitting, but custom in the community should govern the choice. 244 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS PROCESSION’ TO)’ THE CHURCH The bride’s wedding attendants gather at her house to get their bouquets and to leave for the church. The bride’s mother is usually the first to leave, for she is one of the audience, but she should not arrive at the church too early, for no one is supposed to take a seat after the bride’s mother is seated. Occasionally she takes one or two bridesmaids in her carriage or automobile, but ar- rangements must always be made for the father to ride back from the church with her. The bridesmaids are the next to leave. They may go in their own vehicles or in those supplied by the bride’s parents. Last of all to leave are the bride and her father. The carriage or automobile in which they ride should have an appear- ance bespeaking a wedding. If the vehicle is a carriage, it must be a brougham, and the horses’ heads should be decorated with white flowers, and the coachman should Wear a white boutonniére. The chauffeur of an auto- mobile should wear white gloves and white flowers in his coat, and the tires of the car should be painted white. ALE CHURCH THE USHERS PREPARE The first to arrive at the church are the ushers. They should be there at least an hour before the time set for the wedding and go at once to the vestry room to dispose of their clothes. They then repair to the vestibule, where the boutonniéres should be waiting in charge of a boy from the florist’s, whose particular duty it is to 245 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS see that the flowers are there on time and that every usher receives flowers. The assignments are reviewed, and if the ushers are not all familiar with the seating of the church, they are made acquainted with the details. It is always advisable for the ushers to freshen their memories on the question of seating, so that there may be no unnecessary mix-ups at the ceremony. If the assignments have not been previously made, the head usher makes them, appointing the men most familiar with the expected guests to the center or more important aisles. If the church is a small one with only a center and two side aisles, the center aisle is likely to be the one most used, and should consequently have at least two more ushers than the other two aisles. A brother of the bride or groom may well be appointed to serve at the center aisle, for he is usually well acquainted with the people of both families, and will be most capable of taking immediate care of them on arrival. If there are brothers in both families, one or more from each will prove an aid to successful ushering. If the ushers for the side aisles happen to be in the vestibule when people with whom they are acquainted arrive, they may escort them down the center aisle if that happens to be where they are to sit. THE SEATING The reserved section of the church for the families, relatives, and intimate friends is fenced off with white ribbons. From six to twenty pews, or more if necessary, are reserved. The parents of both bride and groom sit in the first pew, the bride’s parents on the left, those of the groom on the right. Because of their respective posi- 246 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS tions on the left and right sides of the church, those sides are known as the bride’s side and the groom’s side. The most efficient seating plan is the one by which puests are given assigned seats. Cards with the pew numbers on may be sent with the invitations, on num- bered visiting cards may be sent after, Thus everybody knows where to sit, and on presentation of the cards the ushers also know at once. One thing to avoid in this method, however, is the placing of too many people in one pew; but this can be simply avoided by making out just the number of cards for each pew as the pew will hold people. Cards for the “ribbon” section are marked either “Reserved” or “Before the ribbons.’ Of these two markings, the latter seems better and more fitting; the former marking savors of the concert or entertain- ment. To change the seat to which one has been assigned _is a show of very poor etiquette, and this is particularly so if done after the bride’s mother has taken her seat. USHERING All the guests must be shown to their seats by the ushers. The usher offers his arm to every lady whom he escorts down the aisle. If there are several ladies in a group and time does not permit of taking each one down individually, he may offer his arm to the oldest one and ask the others to follow. The guests always wait in the vestibule to be escorted to their seats. When an usher is not sure whether or not a lady belongs “before the ribbons” and she does not offer a card, he may say, “Have you a pew number?” But if she has no card and says she belongs in the ribboned section, the usher should never fuss about it, 247 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS There is absolutely no reason why an usher should not speak a few words with the guests as he walks down the aisle with them. Everything spoken should of course be said quietly, though not with solemnity or in a hushed manner. Nor should a long conversation be held inside the church or in the aisles. Neither must an usher ever stand at the end of an aisle and converse with any of his acquaintances. He may on occasion speak a few neces- sary words with a member of either family, when the question has some bearing on the matter in hand. A considerable number of people waiting to be shown to their seats should not cause an usher to lose his equa- nimity. He should walk quickly back up the aisle after showing one person to a seat, but should never trot or show any sign of being in a hurry. Grace and poise are important to the successful usher. People who have no cards usually sit in the balcony. Those in deep mourning who nevertheless feel called upon and are anxious to witness the ceremony may attend and sit in the balcony. The women of a family in mourning may wear white on the wedding day of some member of the family; but the wedding should be small. THE WELL MANAGED WEDDING ARRIVAL OF THE BRIDEGROOM About fifteen minutes before the set hour the bride- groom and best man arrive at the church. They may walk or ride, as they wish. They enter the church by the vestry door and wait in the vestry or the clergyman’s study until notified that the bride has come. 248 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ARRIVAL OF THE BRIDE In order to give everyone time to reach the church the bride arranges her arrival for one minute after the appointed hour. Arrangements should be made to take care of the bridesmaids’ wraps during the ceremony. When the bride’s mother, the leader of the procession to the church arrives, an usher goes to notify the bride- groom. If others who are not to take part in the wedding procession come with the mother, they are first shown to their seats, while the mother waits in the vestibule. When the entire wedding party is gathered in the vesti- bule the doors to the church proper are closed and no one else is ushered in except the parents of both young people. The mother of the groom is then led down the aisle on the arm of an usher, the father following alone. They sit in the first pew on the right, while the usher returns to the vestibule to get the bride’s mother. When this usher has had time to return to the vestibule and take his place the procession starts. With the first note of the music the clergyman, the bridegroom and best man enter the church from the vestry door. The clergyman proceeds to the chancel and the bridegroom takes his place at the right at the head of the aisle. Or, if the vestry door opens on the chancel, the bridegroom stands at the top of the first few steps. He removes the glove from his right hand and places it in his left hand. The best man takes his posi- tion directly behind and to the right of the bridegroom. There is no reason for him to remove his glove; in fact, he should not do so. 249 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS WHAT THE BRIDE AND GROOM DO The entire correct procedure for the wedding proces- sional is fully described in the section on the “Rehearsal.” This and the procedure followed by the bride and groom at the chancel before the actual ceremony is performed are described in the same section. THE FATHER GIVES THE BRIDE AWAY The rehearsals never go farther than the point at which the bride and groom meet at the chancel, so that the de- scription of the rehearsals in another part of this book gives no account of the actions of the father. When the bride lets go of her father’s arm at the end of the aisle and goes forward to the groom, the father crosses over a step to the left so that his position is a step or two behind the bride and to the left. When the clergyman says, “Who giveth this woman to be married?” the father steps forward until he is about a short step before and to the left of his daughter, and not between her and the clergyman. Meanwhile the daughter makes about a quarter turn toward her father and gives him her right hand. The father takes the bride’s hand lightly in his and at the same moment that he puts it into the clergy- man’s hand, says, “I do!” With this action the daughter is “given away.” The father takes his place in the first pew at the left of his wife. When there is no father, a mother, uncle, guardian, or other relative may give the bride away. THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY When the father has given his daughter’s hand into that of the clergyman’s and has taken his seat next to his 250 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS wife, the clergyman relinquishes the bride’s hand, turns and walks slowly up the steps to the altar. As he does so the choir or soloist begins to sing, or if there are neither, the organist begins to play. The bride and groom follow slowly. When this procedure is followed the bride rests the fingers of her right hand lightly upon the left arm of the groom. If the ceremony is held before the chancel and the bride and groom remain standing at the foot of the aisle approximately where they met, the bride keeps her hand on the groom’s arm if he put it there when they met, or they simply hold each other’s hand if the groom only took the bride’s hand when they met. If they go up the steps, it must be arm in arm. The best man and the maid of honor, or the bridesinaid who is to act as maid of honor, take their respective places behind the bride and the bridegroom. The singing or playing should not last a long time after the assemblage at the altar is complete. When the last note of music has sounded, the bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor, or if she has brought her own prayer book she hands this to the clergyman, and the nuptials are per- formed. The ring is passed from the best man to the bride- groom, who in turn gives it to the clergyman. In his anxiety to be timely with the production of the ring the best man should not be previous. He should not keep his hand in readiness at the pocket which contains the ring, but should only move to bring forth the ring when the proper time comes. The careful best man always procures a duplicate ring to provide for an emergency, either before the wedding or during the ceremony. If the right ring is accidentally dropped at the altar he may 251 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS stoop to pick it up if it is within view, but if a search would be required to find the original, he should produce the duplicate so that the ceremony may proceed. Let us not attempt to say which ring the bride.in such case would prefer to wear permanently; this rests entirely with the individual. Some might even prefer to search - for the original until it is found rather than be married with any but the right ring, and perhaps they are justi- fied, if a ring is to mean anything at all! At the end of the ceremony the clergyman extends his best wishes to the couple. THE RECESSIONAL When the clergyman has congratulated the couple, the recessional is played. The bride is given her bouquet by the maid of honor and turns toward her husband, puts her left hand through his right arm, and as man and wife they go up the aisle. If the bride wears a veil over her face, the maid of honor lifts this when the bride takes back her bouquet, so that she faces her husband and the world unveiled. t In order that she may be unhampered, the maid of honor gives her bouquet to the bridesmaid nearest her, meanwhile straightening out the train and veil of the bride. This done, she takes her bouquet again and follows the couple at eight paces, or as nearly eight as she can make it. The best man has slipped off into the vestry to get the groom’s hat and stick; he should not go up the aisle with the maid of honor. The other partici- pants in the procession go out as described under the section on “Rehearsals.” The recessional should not be hurried; it is as important as the processional. 252 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS AFTER THE RECESSIONAL Meanwhile the best man ‘must have reached the door of the bride’s carriage. It seems much more advanta- geous and less bothersome and uncertain, for the best man to have the sexton take the hats and sticks around to the vestibule upon arrival in the vestry room. This would, of course, have to be previously arranged with the sexton, so that he would come to the vestry room to perform this duty, otherwise it would most likely be impossible to find the sexton once the groom and best man were at the church. But even if the sexton does take charge of the hats and sticks, the best man must hurry around to the front of the church to be at _the bride’s carriage when the couple enter. It is his duty to see them into the carriage. The order of departure from the church is the reverse of that followed in coming. The bridesmaids follow the newly married couple, then come the bride’s mother and father and then the groom’s mother and father, followed by the nearest relatives of both families. His duty at the bride’s carriage performed, the best man goes back to the vestry to give the clergyman his fee. It is becoming a custom widely practiced to also give the sexton a tip for his efforts. USHERING OUT THE GUESTS The guests must be ushered out with just as much precision as was employed in bringing them in. All the ladies in the first pews are escorted to the door in the order of their precedence. Just as she is the last to be seated, the bride’s mother is the first to leave. Next to 253 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS be ushered out is the groom’s mother, then the occupants of the first pew on the bride’s side, then those seated in the first pew on the groom’s side, and those in the second pew on the bride’s side next, and so on in alternation. Though not followed by all ushers, this method is com- mendable for its systematic approach to uniformity of action. Everyone must remain seated until those in the first pews are ushered out; not to do so is a glaring breach of etiquette. It seerns a pity that such methods have to be resorted to, but occasionally the ushers run ribbons down the aisles along the ends of the pews just before the bride comes in. It is not a display of good manners for the guests behind the ribbons to leave before time, but it is not very well mannered either to show peo- ple that some of their number are considered ill mannered. When the guests of the reserved pews have all been ushered out, the ushers hurry to the bride’s house to carry out their other duties there. The day of an usher is a busy one indeed! , AT THE BRIDAL HOUSE RECEIVING THE GUESTS Bride and groom take the place arranged for them, the bride at the right of her husband. The bridesmaids are grouped in some manner about or beside the bridal pair according to individual taste. At a small wedding the ushers personally take the guests up to the bride and — groom, but at a large wedding reception this would not be practical. At such weddings only the very old and the celebrated guests are so honored. An usher may also take a personal friend up to meet the couple. At 254 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the very large wedding the mother stands somewhere near the entrance to the room, and generally her butler or the one furnished by the caterer, or occasionally an usher, asks each approaching guest his name and then repeats it in a tone loud enough for the hostess to hear, but not as a general announcement. The guests just stop long enough to shake hands, say a word or two about the lovely bride, the wonderful couple or the beauti- ful wedding, and then pass on to the bridal pair. WHAT TO SAY TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM Your acquaintance with the bride and groom, or both, must govern the nature of the congratulations. For Strangers If you are not known to either you may merely shake hands with the groom and say “Congratulations !”, shake hands with the bride and say “I wish you the best of good fortune!”, or “I wish you every happiness!”, and then pass on. Under no circumstances should one say, “Congratulations!” to the bride; or anything that might be construed as an imposition that the bride is “lucky.” Acquaintances Those moderately well acquainted with the couple may say to the groom: “You are certainly to be congratulated !” ‘eyes “May Dame Fortune always smile on you!” Or: “T hope you will always be as lucky as you are today!” 255 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS To the bride the acquaintance might say: “May you always enjoy the greatest happiness!” 02 ot _“T hope your life will be all happiness!” Or the older lady might say: “Helen, dear, I hope you will always be as bright and {?? fresh as you are today! You are lovely! Friends Friends greet the couple in much the same manner described above, but they are usually less formal and a bit more outspoken and warm. Relatives A woman relative kisses the bride and says, “Helen, darling, I wish I could express all my good wishes to you!” The woman relative may also kiss the groom and say something equally pleasant. WHAT THE BRIDE AND GROOM SAY To the wishes and congratulations of acquaintances and strangers the bride and groom usually say “Thank you.” To friends and relatives they may be a bit more full in their expressions of gratitude, and the bride may take the opportunity of thanking those who sent presents, possibly naming the article if she is sure she remembers what it was—if not certain, it is better not to mention definitely the kind of gift, for to say so-and-so when it was this-and-that would seem a lack of interest in the gift. 256 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS INTRODUCTION OF AND BY BRIDE AND GROOM The bride or groom does not introduce the new husband or wife as “Mr.” or “Mrs. Soandso,” but as “my husband,” or “my wife.” To intimate friends or relatives known by one but not by the other of the couple, either would call the other by the first name. The wife would say, “George, this is cousin Lucy!” or “Mrs. Nearby, you know George, don’t you?” or “Mrs. Brill- yant, may I present my husband?” And the groom would follow the same general manner in introducing his wife and friends, relatives or acquaintances. GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM Don’t speak of matters not pertaining to the wedding and its participants. Don’t speak of your wedding. Avoidance of both these rules will keep you from an in- fraction of a third, which says that one must not carry on long conversations with the bridal couple—and of course the considerate person would not do so if there were a long line behind waiting to greet the couple. If you have a really important bit of news to tell either the bride or groom or both, you may tell the: later, provided the subject does not give promise of developing into a long conversation; and remember, if it has no bearing on some part of the wedding of this particular couple, leave it unsaid. WHAT THE PARENTS OF THE GROOM DO The bridegroom’s mother is also expected to receive. She may stand near the bride’s mother, or she may take 25/ THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS a place beyond the bridesmaids, so that after the line has passed the couple and their attendants, it passes on to her. Everybody is expected to shake hands with the bridegroom’s mother, though it is not necessary to say anything if one does not know her. Sometimes the groom’s father stands next to his wife, but most generally he acts as a guest, which in reality is his capacity. THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE The father of the bride is the host of the occasion. He goes around among the guests and in general acts as he would at any other occasion. Sometimes the bride’s father stands next to his wife at “the receiving end.” THE SIT-DOWN BREAKFAST DETAILS OF ARRANGEMENT As soon as the guests have offered their greetings to the couple, they may go out to find places at the tables. For a big reception it is mostly always necessary to im- provise a dining room, for few houses are large enough to seat all the guests of even a wedding reception of moderate attendance. In Newport a canopied platform is built next to the veranda or on the lawn. In New York the platform is built in the yard and a canopy is spread overhead. Such an arrangement may be carried out by people of moderate means who want to have a reception of moderate size. The expense would not be as great as the rental for an assembly room, and as the expense for catering must be borne anyway, it is pre- ferable and so much nicer to have the reception at one’s 258 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS home if at all possible. The entire space is filled with little tables placed closely together around a big one in the center. When the reception is large and the bridal party is large, there may be a second table for the parents and a few close friends and specially invited guests. Guests at the sit-down breakfast sit wherever and with whomever they please. There are no place cards, except at the reserved table for friends. THE BRIDES TABLE The crowning feature of the wedding breakfast is the table set for the bride and her party. The bridal table may be set in the dining room, or in a separate room. This table is beautifully decorated with white garlands and flowers and ribbons. In the center is placed a large iced wedding cake, usually bedecked with white or silver flowers, or sometimes mounted with a miniature bride and groom. The top is usually a separate cover which may be easily lifted off when the cake is to be cut. THE TABLE OF THE BRIDE'S PARENTS The bride’s mother and father are, of course, hostess and host at the wedding breakfast. The host occupies the seat at the head of the table and the groom’s mother, who is the lady of honor, sits at his right. The bride’s mother sits at the regular place occupied by the hostess (at the foot of the table) and the groom’s father sits at the right of the hostess. The other places at this table are occupied by close friends and distinguished guests, and the clergyman who performed the ceremony, if he is invited. A bishop or dean who was functionary at the wedding would sit at the left of the hostess, and his 259 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS wife, if present, would act as the lady second in import- ance, and would sit at the left of the host. THE SERVICE A sit-down breakfast is usually served by a caterer. Only at very big houses is it possible to successfully accomplish the management of such a large service. The caterer supplies the tables, chairs, dishes, napery, food, footmen and waiters. THE MENU Enough small menu cards are placed on the small tables to be convenient for the number of people seated at each table. The menu cards are printed in silver and usually have the entwined initials of the bride and groom stamped in silver at the top. If the father of the bride has a family crest, this is sometimes stamped plain at the head. But if the initials of the bride and groom are used, they must match in design the initials stamped on the wedding cake boxes. The menu may consist of: Melon (or grapefruit) Creamed Shrimp Chicken Paté Peas Rice Croquettes Celery Salad Loganberry Ice Coffee THE STANDING BREAKFAST OR RECEPTION At a standing breakfast, only the bridal party sits to eat. The other guests help themselves to the collation 260 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS set on a long table in the dining-room. This table should be prettily set with centerpiece and white flowers. Plates, napkins, spoons and forks are arranged in rows, and at one end may be a large urn with bouillon and at the other end is one filled with chocolate, tea or some other drink. At perhaps four different places on the table there are two cold dishes, and at alternating places there are two hot dishes. There are rolls and biscuits and sandwiches. Scattered about in various places on the table are dishes of very pretty little cakes, most delectable in appearance. Ices are brought in when most guests have about completed the second course. Ice cream may just as well be served if desired; one is as appropriate and fitting as the other, but caterers prefer the ices because they are more easily handled. It is important to select all the dishes for a standing luncheon with a view toward ease in eating. Fork foods that may easily be eaten with only a fork while the plate is held in the left hand should be served. The two cold dishes may consist of an aspic of some sort, chicken, terrine de foie gras or ham mousse. The hot dishes may be chicken croquettes, chicken a la king, boned capon, creamed oysters or the like. Coffee is now usually placed on a side table—the place formerly given to the cham- pagne. And it is now customary to place on a side table a bowl and dipper with some concoction in it. WotR AL PARTY «BATS _ When the breakfast has about reached the second course and the guests have all paid their respects to the bridal couple, the entire bridal party may sit down to 261 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS breakfast. Unless it is a very small reception, the bridal party always sits down, and those of the bridal party are the only ones who do sit down to eat at a standing breakfast. The bride and groom lead arm in arm, fol- lowed by the bridesmaids and ushers. ‘The bride sits at her husband’s right and the maid of honor sits at his left, while the best man sits at the right of the bride. An alternating arrangement is followed out for the rest of the wedding attendants. If there is room, brothers and sisters of the bridal pair or intimate friends sit at the bridal table, and when there are a few or no bridesmaids this is always the case. Whether the other guests are seated or not, the setting and service at the bride’s table are identical. Care should be taken to make this every- thing to be desired. THE BRIDE CUS "PEC AK When the bridal party reaches the dessert course, the wedding cake is placed before the bride, who makes the ' first cut. And the first is all that she does make. She makes one cut through the cake and then the cake is sent the rounds for each one to cut himself a piece. There are little articles placed in silver foil at intervals in the cake. They consist of a little wedding ring for the “first to be married,” a parrot, cat or similar token for the old maid, a wish-bone for the lucky, and a ten- cent piece for the one who is to be wealthy. A mark in the cake usually shows the side for the gentleman. Their favors usually consist of the ring and ten-cent piece, with the same significance as for the bridesmaids, and they also receive a button or a thimble or a dog for the bachelor, 262 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS and perhaps a pair of tiny dice for the man who is to have the lucky chance in life. Whatever is left of the wedding cake is usually wrapped in tin foil and put away to be opened at the first anni- versary. WEDDING CAKE FOR THE GUESTS Placed either at each place at table or on a small table in the hall is the wedding cake to be taken home by the guests. This cake is generally a fruit cake, of which a small piece is wrapped and placed in a small white paper box with a moire design or a grosgrain pattern in the paper, and the initials of the bridal pair stamped in silver on the cover. The initial design should conform with that on the Menu if there is one. A little piece of white ribbon is tied around each of the boxes. At a sit-down breakfast it is customary to put the boxes at the places on the little table, while at the standing breakfast it is of course more convenient and systematic to put them on a small table in the hall. THE ENTERTAINMENT As a means of furnishing entertainment at a wedding reception nothing is more appropriate and satisfactory than dancing. Everyone usually likes to dance with the bride and groom, so that on entering, after they have had the first dance together, they dance with others of their bridal party and as many of the guests as it is possible to accommodate. A portion of a dance is usually all that is allotted each person. 263 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS When the people gradually begin to become less nu- merous, the bride may signal her bridesmaids and leave the room. They gather around the foot of the stairs and the bride from the steps above throws her bouquet to the group below. The girl who catches the bouquet is sup- posed to be the next to marry. THE GOOD-BY) TO PARENTS It is very natural that the girl leaving for her honey- moon is sure to say good-bye to her own parents but in the rush and excitement she is very likely to forget her husband’s parents, and what is more, in his anxiety to be with the bride, the groom himself is apt to forget to see his parents. The bride should always see to it that the groom’s parents are sent for. It does not often hap- pen that they do not come upstairs of their own accord, but it does sometimes happen. They are not in their own home and may not feel free enough to come up un- invited, or they may for some reason be detained. And then suddenly comes the mad dash for the motor! The groom may have had some idea of seeing his mother as he rushed by, and of giving her a hurried kiss and rushing on. But when he comes running down there is a wild babble, he does not see his mother, he does not see anyone, but his mother sees him—and cannot get to him, or catch his eye—and then she sees him rush off without saying good-by! THE GOING AWAY CLOTHES Everyone knows of the wedding flight and the hurri- cane of “love tokens” hurled after the lucky pair, so 264 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS that nothing need here be said about that part of the departure. But it should be brought out that it is not a sign of good manners for a couple to be dressed in anything but the regular modest attire ordinarily worn for traveling. It makes a difference, of course, where one is going. But, no matter where the couple is going, the man does not wear his high hat! And the bride should wear nothing that woud make her conspicuous, any more than she would on any other occasion—sim- plicity and modesty should be her aim. THE HOUSE WEDDING An altar can be very well arranged for a house wedding. The caterer knows how to handle this, and with free rein can probably improvise an ideal arrangement. Whether or not it is done by the caterer or by the groom himself does not matter, but with a little ingenuity it can be very nicely done. All that is required is a small arrangement of some sort to act as a pulpit, before which a kneeling bench about six inches high, covered with cushions and a cloth of some kind, must be placed. A small aisle of ribbons may also be made, and a section near the “altar” is set off with ribbons for the family. An aisle of low palms is also very pretty. The mother of the bride receives at the house wedding. She stands at the door of the room in which the ceremony is to be held and greets the visitors as they come in. A few ushers, rather as a matter of formality than for actual utility, may be on hand to show the guests in, unless the house is so large that pews have been arranged to which the ushers need conduct the guests. But at the 265 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ordinary house wedding the guests stand behind the aisle ribbons on either side. The parents of the groom take their places in the section reserved for the family. All the arrangements for the processional are made -upstairs or in another room. When the customary one minute limit has: been allowed and everything is in readi- ness, the procession starts, and the bride’s mother goes up the aisle to her place in the reserved section. Mean- while the clergyman, the best man and groom have, if possible, reached the altar by another door, but if there is no other means of approach, they go up the aisle a short time before the procession starts. All the other procedure is exactly the same as in the church wedding, with a few exceptions. The groom remains standing where he is at the altar, but merely makes a semi-turn to meet the bride. There is no recessional. The groom kisses the bride, the clergyman goes out, an usher re- moves the altar and the prayer bench, and the bridal couple are ready to receive the congratulations and good wishes of their families and friends. They stand before the bower which served as the chancel. No one should ever kiss the bride before the groom has done so at the conclusion of the ceremony. THE WEDDING IN A PUBLIC HALL Every detail of the wedding in a public hall is the same as those of the house wedding. Varying circumstances vary the method of application, but all general arrange- ments are the same. For the sake of the home touch, one should not resort to a wedding in a public place if avoidable. 266 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE SECOND MARRIAGE With the exception that a widow should not wear white and orange blossoms and does not have bridesmaids, the wedding of a widow is precisely the same as that of a maid. Another difference, which may not be laid down as a stringent law, is that the wedding of a widow should preferably be quiet, but there is no reason why it may not be a big wedding. But, with the woman in an afternoon street dress and hat, and no bridesmaids, and perhaps four ushers, there can not be a very impressive proces- sional. For a small wedding in a small church, there shoud be few flowers and no garlands or other decorations; con- ventional and simple dress for an afternoon wedding would be the order, and a veil may be worn if it is any color but white. A wedding at home permits of an evening gown being worn by the widow. On this occa- sion also a headdress may be substituted. A sit-down breakfast or a simple afternoon tea may follow the ceremony, and if the wedding is held at the bride’s own house, the couple may stay right there until all the guests leave. Presents are usually sent on the occasion of the second wedding by very intimate friends only; mere acquain- tances are not expected to give anything. 267 PART UTE CHRISTENINGS AND FUNERALS G. Man.—J CHAPTER I CHRISTENINGS THE GODPARENTS There are two godparents of the same sex as the child, and one of the opposite sex. They should be chosen from the intimate friends of the parents, not from the relatives, unless the relatives are very numerous. This is so be- cause the entire purpose of a godparent is to provide someone to look after the child in the event of the death of both parents. In a sense the selecting of godparents adds to the number of relatives of the child, and if god- parents are chosen from among the relatives this pur- pose is not carried out. One must always ask people whether they will act as godparents, for the acceptance of such an office means the acceptance of considerable responsibility. It is also very important to ask none but very intimate friends. People seldom reject a request to act as godparents, and for this reason one should not impose such an office on any but very close friends. It is very proper to ask the friends when they come to see the mother, or by letter at the time of the announcement of the baby’s arrival, or even before. A request to accept a godparentage, since it is always sent to an intimate, is always informal. One may also telegraph or telephone, making a simple an- nouncement of the arrival of the child, and a simple re- 271 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS quest to the recipient of the message to serve as god- parent. The godparent always gives the child a present before or at the christening. Small silver eating utensils of some sort are customarily given, and the name of the child, with “From his godfather (or mother)” and the name of the godparent engraved on them. But the nature of the gift is entirely a matter of personal taste and desire. TIME AND PLACE It is usually the desire of every mother to have some little demonstration on the occasion of the christening of her child. The christening may be held at home or at the church. Some prefer the home, for the reason that it seems to convey more sentimentality to the ceremony and others prefer the church for the selfsame reason. It is, of course, far more easy to keep the child in better spirits if the journey to the church can be eliminated, and then, too, the child will look very much prettier in its bright unruffled little dress, and it is not likely to suffer from the distemper involved in transporting a small child to church, etc., and, of course, the danger of its catching cold is less if the necessity of going out after the chris- _ tening is removed. | It is customary to have the christening when the mother is able to be up; that is in about two weeks after the birth. Some denominations, and sometimes circumstances, de- mand an immediate christening. The mother may be car- ried in to the room in which the service is to be performed and placed in a restful position near the improvised bap- tismal font. She is, of course, in negligee and perhaps in 272i) THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS cap, and none but the family, godparents, and a few very intimate friends are present. On such occasion, 1f incon- venient, no lunch need be served. pre CHURCH CHRISTENING Arrangements must be made with the clergyman for the christening that is to take place at the church. If it is to be a “large’’ christening, it should preferably be set for a week-day hour when the church is not in use. But if it is to be just a regular small christening it can be arranged for a Sunday morning directly after the close of the regular service. For the “large’’ christening a little decoration may be done at the church. A few palms and flowers may be placed about the baptismal font, but nothing elaborate is done. The guests sit in the front pews near the font. The child is divested of coat and hat when the clergyman makes his appearance, and the godmother carries the child to the font upon the signal from the clergyman. The godmother carrying the child stands directly be- fore the clergyman and the other godparents stand beside her, with the parents and friends close by. It is impor- tant that the name of the child be distinctly pronounced —if one is particular that the child get the name selected for it. There have been occasions on which children have been given names other than those intended for them, and the name with which a child is christened must stand. When the ceremony has been performed the hat and coat of the child are replaced and the guests return to the home of the parents of the child to partake of a lunch or an afternoon tea. 273 - THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE HOUSE CHRISTENING In general, the arrangements for the house christening are like the arrangements for the house wedding. The house is decorated with pale seasonal flowers, daisies, white lilacs, white or pale chrysanthemums, pale pink roses, dogwood, apple blossoms, or other garden blossoms and flowers; the essential thing is that the flowers must be of a pale color to give the proper tone to the room in which the ceremony is performed. The font is, of course, improvised. A silver or china bowl—one whose size and shape is appropriate—is placed on a little table. The covering for the table must also be appropriate; a cloth suggestive of church brocade should be used, and it is always very pretty to place flowers around the bowl on the table. With a little thought and the desire to make the most of the facilities it is always possible to produce a very pleasing result. The clergyman is the first one to take his place at the font. He is followed by the godmother carrying the baby and the other two godparents. Only these three stand at the font, the parents of the child standing with the guests at a short distance. When the child has been - baptized the godmother holds it again until the balance of the service has been completed. THE CHRISTENING “TEA” Immediately after the ceremony the clergyman changes | his vestments for his ordinary clothes and returns to be a guest at the tea or luncheon. The christening tea is pre- cisely the same as any informal afternoon tea, with the 274 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS addition of the christening cake and caudle. The caudle served at a christening is not the caudle known to cook books as gruel, but is generally a hot eggnog served in little punch cups. The christening cake should be a white “lady” cake. It should be elaborately iced, and may have the baby’s initials in ice on the top and may be dressed with garlands and pretty little pale colored sugar roses. The cake is to be eaten and the caudle is to be drunk to the health and prosperity of the little host or hostess. INVITATIONS TO CHRISTENINGS Formality is not observed in giving invitations to a christening unless one is customarily formal with one’s intimate friends. In fact, the invitations are usually made by telephone, except to those living at a distance. Yet it is always correct and polite to send a note. Example: Dear Mrs. Goopwitt: Baby is to be christened at home on Sunday, the fifth, at half past four. We hope you and Godfrey and the children will come. Affectionately, | CONSTANT WELLER. CHRISTENING DRESS THE CHILD The most important personage at a christening should be elaborately dressed. Everything should be real. Sheer and dainty mull trimmed with real valenciennes lace and 275 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS hand embroidery is preferable. But whether the dress is elaborate or as plain as a gingham apron, it should be handmade; and no other hand is more fitting to make it than the hand of the mother. The child so lucky as to inherit the dress worn by some child now grown old is blessed indeed. Very little babies are often laid on little pillows and carried to the font, and such pillow must always be lace-covered, and the lace must be valenciennes. THE ATTENDANTS AND GUESTS Godmothers wear such clothes as are generally worn at afternoon tea. Godfathers wear formal afternoon clothes. Guests wear ordinary afternoon clothes, The mother wears an afternoon dress of light color, never black. 276 CHAPTER [I FUNERALS No one is more fitted to prove the friend in need when the inevitable trial comes than the one trained through life to thoughtfulness and self-sacrificing kindness. There is no time when one so trained can more clearly demonstrate the value of the fundamentals of good manners. To know what to do and how to do it without the slightest trace of presumptiousness, to be helpful and yet not show one sign of self or self-assertiveness, to do what is best for the unfortunate one and yet not show that one that anything is being done that he did not think of doing himself, to ease the way throughout, to be the guiding spirit in a delicate and trying situation and show no trace of self in doing so, these are the things which are the valuable assets of the practice of what throughout this book has been called Good Manners. With the fundamental desire to do for those bereft of a dear one must be allied the knowledge of what is gener- ally done under such circumstances, what is the cus- tomary procedure. This knowledge, combined with the ability to perform well the offices requiring calmness and control of self, make the well mannered person the main support and source of gratitude in the hour of trial. The section immediately following is an outline of actions to guide the one called upon to attend at the “house stricken by remorse. 277 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS IMMEDIATE DETAILS The very first action in the case of death is to see that all the blinds in the house are drawn. Those of the im- mediate family not already present should be summoned at once. The clergyman, the sexton or funeral director, and one or two tried and proved friends should next be asked to come. Circumstances vary, so that it is useless to try to say just what should be done. If there has been an attendant, who through service at the bedside, has become attached to the family, he or she will be the one most qualified to take care of the immediate details. Or a near friend whose tact and reliability in a crisis may be depended upon may be called. THE CARE OF THE BEREAVED In the care of the distressed family nothing stands one in such good stead as the fundamental desire to serve and to extend all possible consideration. To be constantly asked if one would like this or that, or if one wants to see this friend or that acquaintance, is for the one in grief to be given additional burdens. One in deep grief does not know what he does want—he generally wants nothing but the restoration to life of the one who is hopelessly gone forever. He tries to appreciate that his friends feel for him, but he cannot think of them. In his distrait state of mind he cannot be expected to think clearly about things to him external and without the realm of his pres- ent distress. Some people seek the comfort of compan- -ionship; others do not know where to go to hide from the 278 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS presence of other people who they feel cannot possibly appreciate the depth of their own sorrow. The one in attendance should be prompt to analyze which of these trains of feeling is followed by the one he is trying to serve. If friends are to be kept from the presence of the bereaved, it must be done in a gentle manner. Those who call to see the family must be told in a very kindly way that seeing people only seems to increase the remorse, and breaks up the morale of those who are mourning, and that if a total breakdown is to be avoided it is bet- ter that they call again. But those who call must be thanked for their kindness. If those in bereavement do not want to see people, neither do they want to see food. The one in attendance must be very cautious in attempting to get the mourners to take nourishment. They must by all means not be asked whether they want anything. They should occasionally be given some foods that are easily and quickly disposed of; foods that require no effort to eat. The chilled sys- tem may be warmed by a cup of hot bouillon and a piece of warm toast. The person offering this may say, “Come, take this; it will do you so much good,” rather as a com- mand than a request; and then he should stay right there to see that his “command” is carried out. Cold milk and cold snacks should not be offered; there is something about the steaming cup of tea or coffee that is hard to resist even under very distressing circumstances. ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FUNERAL Many little details are to be taken care of that not even the dearest friend could decide, nor would want to 279 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS decide without the consideration of the immediate fam- ily. Arangements for the funeral must be completed. It must be decided whether it is to be a church or a house service, where the interment is to be held, whether there are to be special flowers and music, the kind of a casket to be ordered, the dress to be put on the body, and numerous other delicate questions that no one would at- tempt to decide for the family. MATTERS TO BE DISPENSED BY THE PRIEND NOTICE TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES There are numerous friends, acquaintances, and rela- tives to be sent for. The very intimate friend who is taking general charge of details may send for those of whom he knows and thinks, and he may check up with one of the family to be certain that he has forgotten none. Notification is sent only to friends expected to come at once to the house, others are advised through the an- nouncement placed in the papers. NOTICE TO NEWSPAPERS The funeral director is usually expected to see that the announcement of death is placed in the daily newspapers, together with the funeral information. The friend in charge may see to it that the family decides on the form of notice to be printed and that the funeral director takes care of its publication. No other announcements are customarily sent out; those not specially notified are expected to read the notices in the papers, and when the notice states that the funeral will be private and there is 280 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS no information as to time and place given, that is an indi- cation that a general attendance is not desired, and that intimate friends may inquire at the house. The news- paper notices are paid for by the funeral director if he orders them, and are added to his bill. ATTENDANCE AT THE DOOR The friend in charge should always try to be within range of the house door to answer all questions that do not require the attention of the family. This duty may also be performed by a male member of the family. People who call for information and to offer their assist- ance can thus be attended to without much demonstra- tion. Those who are kind enough to offer their help may be assigned some of the little commissions that seem so innumerable and must be taken care of in so short a space of time. THE BELL HANGING Crépe streamers are usually hung under the bell at the door by the funeral director. The prime purpose of this hanging is to give notification that the occupants of. the house are in mourning, and the secondary purpose is to prevent the bell being rung unnecessarily. The streamers hung at the bell are white for the death of a child, black and white for a young person, and black for an older person. A florist is generally ordered to hang white flowers or white gauze or ribbon on the streamers hung for a child, white violets, carnations, or any white flower without leaves on the streamers for a young woman or man, and purple violets or other purple flowers on the black streamers for a grown person. 281 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS HONORARY PALLBEARERS The one who is attending to general arrangements will arrange with six or eight men who are close friends of the deceased to act as pallbearers. These men may be asked to serve when they come to the house or they may be called by telephone. A man prominent in public life may have twelve or more pallbearers constituted of his closest business or political and social friends. For the funeral of a young woman, her own or family friends may be chosen. Honorary pallbearers do not actually carry the casket. They merely walk down the aisle (honorary pallbearers only serve at a church funeral) before the coffin. The coffin is carried by the men of the funeral director’s staff. Some people still prefer to have the honorary pallbearers come to the house on the morning of the funeral and accompany the coffin from the house to the hearse and then drive along to the church, but the general custom to-day seems to be to have them go directly to the church and wait in the vestibule. THE FRIEND MAY CHECK EXPENDITURES It is dreadfully shocking to have to say that it is very necessary that someone not directly connected with the bereaved family, and not directly afflicted with the deep sorrow should check up on the direct expenses to be in- curred for the burial. Whether it is through long con- nection with the sadness of death, or whether it is some people’s conception of business to get what they can and to sell anything and everything possible whether or not the buyer can use it or afford it, the bald fact remains that 282 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS too many funeral directors bury their consciences and take advantage of those afflicted, to the extent of offering the most elaborate arrangement regardless of whether or not the family will be in a position to conveniently meet the bill. The friend who has the family’s interest at heart, who is ready to pocket his pride and devote a little effort, should check up to be certain that arrange- ments not in keeping with good taste and the purse of the people expected to pay, are not being literally forced on them. IN MOURNING MOURNING CLOTHES The mourning dress to be worn for the funeral need not be absolutely all newly acquired apparel. It is not expected that the family will consider expense, but a con- scientious woman friend who comes to the house, may take the liberty of looking over the clothes on hand, and very likely numerous articles may be found that will save the momentary expenditure of time and money required . to buy new articles. Those things that must be bought can be procured from dressmaking establishments within twenty-four hours. Perfect fit is not considered for the occasion of the funeral, for alterations can be made later. The big department stores are nearly all prepared to send mourning apparel to the house on approval. This per- mits of selection at home, which is a decided convenience for the sadly bereaved who do not feel that they want to leave the house. To further relieve such a situation, women friends can usually find enough black veils and such things to bridge a trying situation; if not, they may 283 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS offer to go out and attend to the buying of such little things that most any woman can buy for another. The man, of course, must buy a ready made outfit if he has no black clothes. OLD CUSTOM SIMPLIFIED The solemn vigil through long, wearisome nights is no longer customary, except in the case of a personage whose body is lying in state for a public ceremony. The very clothes in which the corpse is buried are no longer expected to be anything but plain attire. In fact, it is not unheard of to-day to keep the body of the deceased in bed or on a sofa in night clothes or a wrapper, with flowers, but not with funeral pieces about the room. This is done so that an invalid may see the body, and in cases where the sadness is so very deep that the sight of a coffin would emphasize the distraction. THE CHURCH PUNERAL It will always remain a matter of personal opinion and preference whether the church or the house funeral is the more desirable. The church funeral is thought by many to be more trying, because of the long march down the church aisle, and the prolongation of the sadness al- ready suffered at the house. Others find the church services more gratifying, more in the true nature of the giving of the last rites. The accompanying music of the organ adds such profound depth, the singing of the choir, the atmosphere of the church itself make a combination of what is thought by many to be absolutely requisite to 284 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the proper service for the passing of a dear one. Some carry out what the deceased would have wished. ARRANGING AND RECORDING THE FLOWERS One or two woman friends of the family must volun- teer to go to the church an hour or so before the service to attend to the arrangement of the flowers about the chancel; also to remove the envelopes attached to the pieces and write on the outside of each envelope the kind of flowers sent and the nature of the design. These memorandums supply the necessary information in later writing notes of thanks. The actual decoration of the chancel should not be attempted by novices without the assistance of a professional florist, for the ceremony is too solemn to warrant risking a poor arrangement. THE CONGREGATION COMES IN About ten minutes before the hour set, the organ be- gins to play, and the congregation begins to come in. The first six or eight pews on either side of the aisle should never be occupied. They should be reserved for the funeral party. THE PROCESSIONAL The funeral procession forms in the vestibule of the church. If the service is to be accompanied by choral singing, the minister and the choir form a part of the pro- cession, the choir leading usually in song, with the clergy- man next; then come the pallbearers in twos, followed by the coffin. The chief mourner and companion follow im- mediately after the coffin, and the rest of the family fol- lows in the order of relation. If the chief mourner is a woman, she leans on the arm of her nearest male relative, 285 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS and usually each woman is escorted by a man. The chil- dren generally follow the parents in twos, the older fol- lowed by the younger, and when there is an odd child, a relative, usually a woman, walks with this child. If the deceased is the father of a family of girls, the eldest girl may walk with the mother, or the mother’s brother or son-in-law may accompany the mother. A grandmother goes with the eldest grandson or granddaughter. If the funeral is that of a woman, the husband may walk alone or in company with his mother or eldest daughter. These are arrangements which are flexible, however, for it is always best to put those next to one another who can give each other most comfort. AT THE CHANCEL The choir takes its place in the chancel, the clergyman stands at the foot of the chancel steps, the honorary pall- bearers stand in the pews at the left until the coffin has been put on the stand placed for it, and until the family has taken its place in the pews on the right. Then all sit down, while the men who bore the coffin walk quietly to a side aisle and stand there. The rest of the people of the procession take places on either side. THE RECESSIONAL The order for the recessional is the same as that for the processional, except of course, that the clergyman and the choir do not take part. Flowers in a funeral procession are not meant for display. The carriages or motors in which they are placed merely serve the utili- tarian purpose of conveying the flowers to the grave, and hence should be closed conveyances. 286 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THOSE WHO ATTEND THE BURIAL Besides the family, those who go to the interment are limited. Intimate friends are asked whether they care to go to the burial. If the church happens to be within walking distance of the graveyard, the congregation fol- lows the procession to the graveside, but the general attendance of everybody who only slightly knew the de- ceased, and the funeral procession blocks and blocks in length, have gone into the discard with many of the other more elaborate and unreasonable customs. THE HOUSE FUNERAL To many people the house funeral is the more desirable. In the shelter of their homes they manage to bear their sorrow with more ease than they could possibly display in public. Called upon to face a congregation, many people break down pitifully. At the house funeral they may remain upstairs or in another room where they can hear the service and yet be unseen. ARRANGEMENT Specific information for the arrangement of the room in which the service is to be held need not be given, The funeral director and a member of the family usually de- cide these questions together. A friend of the family may arrange the flowers and remove the cards and make notes of the nature of the pieces, so that the acknowledg- ments can be intelligently written. If no especial floral blanket is ordered for the casket, the pieces sent ‘by the family are usually placed there. It is advisable that no 287 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS flowers be sent by friends to the small house. A great number of flowers are overpowering. It should be re- quested in the funeral notices that flowers be omitted. THE SERVICE Much detail can be taken off the hands of the immedi- ate family by the friends who attend the door and see that everything is taken care of. Everything that is done must be quietly done, and yet in the cramped quarters of the room in which the service is to be held it is very diffi- cult for people to move about conveniently. The utmost possible quiet must be maintained, however, and con- versation must not be indulged in, unless absolutely necessary. The front row of seats is always reserved for the family if it is to be present. When the people arrive, they are shown right into the room where the ceremony is to be held. Women keep their wraps on and gentlemen either keep their over- coats on or carry them, and they always carry their hats. If the family is present, the members take their seats at the hour set for the service. The women wear small hats or toques, with long back crépe veils over their faces. The clergyman takes his place at the head of the coffin. MUSIC Those who object to the house funeral do so largely on the ground that the house funeral lacks the solemnity of the church service. The playing of the organ and the singing of the choir makes the service more impressive. _It is not possible to have the music of the organ at the house funeral, and an orchestra is not appropriate. The 288 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS human voice is the most beautiful and impressive musical interpretation, and if arrangements can be made, this is certainly the ideal accompaniment for the house funeral service. TRANSFORMING THE HOUSE After the ordeal of the mourning period, the family usually returns home wearied, but feeling somehow that the inevitable has happened and that there is no further help for it. During their absence a friend should stay at the house to have things restored to normal order. The hangings are usually removed by a man from the funeral director’s, and the camp chairs and other funeral require- ments are also immediately taken away. The blinds should be raised and the windows opened wide to drive out the preponderant scent of flowers, and all possible traces of the recent mournful arrangements should be removed. A small hot luncheon should also be prepared for the returning mourners. They may have no desire to eat, but if it is given them they will take it, and their bodies are usually so run down and chilled, that the con- sumption of some hot broth or the like will accomplish much toward replenishing their undermined strength and Spirits. IN MOURNING CLOTHES With the great increase in breadth of vision, and the simplifying of many old and staid customs, the habit of prescribing definite periods for different degrees of mourning has also become somewhat modified. The trend is toward the manifestation of sincerity. One does not 289 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS wear black for aunts and uncles unless the ties of affec- tion are very strong. Some people believe in demonstrat- ing their faith in the belief that death is but the rebirth into another life by wearing clothes that bespeak joy rather than sorrow; but the number who actually carry out such contentions when a dear one is taken away are as yet very few. CONSIDERATION FOR THOSE IN MOURNING People in mourning prefer not to be drawn into con- versation at all. They like to go to and fro with as little show or interruption as possible. One should not stop them to chatter about trivialities, or about their recent misfortune. It is best taste to just merely shake hands, say a word or two of a general nature and then go on. It is indeed consoling to be able to say that most people do their utmost to ease the way of the one in sadness. Occasionally some thoughtless person will meet an ac- quaintance and deliberately ask on whose behalf the mourning attire is being worn. These are the people who gather in a room before a funeral service and review all the cases of death that have ever come to their notice, in a voice that to them may seem low, but to others is grat- ingly harsh. MOURNING MATERIALS Simplicity and lack of all luster or shine are the re- quisites for mourning wear. Satins and shining silks, cut velvet, patent leather shoes and stockings of fancy weave, shining jet or silver; none of these may be worn as mourning attire. Lustreless silks, dull taffeta, uncut velvet, plain or hemstitched lace, wool, and things gener- 290 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS ally lacking brightness are considered mourning wear. The decree that an entire costume of white is signifi- cant of deepest mourning indicates that white shoes, gloves, hat and belt must also be worn, for if any of these were black the costume would be that worn for second mourning. SECOND MOURNING Black and white, or gray and mauve, are the customary colors for people in second mourning. In this period of mourning one may not wear satin embroidered with silver or trimmed with jet or lace. The display of shiny and glittering materials and trimmings is just as unfitting for _ the second mourning as it is for the first. Jewelry, ex- cept perhaps a single string of beads and one ring, is not in good taste. MOURNING WEAR FOR THE WIDOW Lustreless silks or wool with deep-hemmed turn back collar and cuffs of white organdy constitute good mourning wear for a widow. A long crépe veil, or one of nun’s veiling, over a little crépe bonnet with white ruching cap-border, extends to the bottom edge of the skirt in front and back. After three months the front veil may be put back from the face, but the back veil should be worn two years. These details may be some- what altered if desirable; the widow of middle age need not wear the veil over the face after the funeral, and the veil down the back may be worn all her days if she prefers. But the conventional custom is to leave off the veil and the crepe after the second year and to go into second mourning after the third year. Shorter periods 291 Pra THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS of mourning are coming into greater practice as time goes on, and some people arrange the periods of mourn- ing wear so that the entire period covers not more than | two or three years. THE VEIL Under all ordinary circumstances the woman in deep mourning wears a crepe veil. It may be left off, how- ever, when going with a friend to a public place of amuse- ment or entertainment, or to a restaurant. There is absolutely nothing wrong in an occasional visit to a moy- ing-picture theater or a matinée. It should not be ex- pected that one stay at home at all times; a little diversion of a simple sort is very necessary to keep the person in mourning from despondency. On such occasion a small face veil over the hat may be substituted for the crepe veil. THE YOUNG WIDOW For the young widow the mourning period need never be extended longer than two years. For a year she should wear deep crépe, then lighter mourning for six months, and then second mourning for another six months. Should the young widow find consolation in another man and become engaged before her mourning period is over, she should cease to wear mourning. A year should always be allowed to intervene before chang- ing to the happier colors of other circumstances. THE MOTHER IN MOURNING Everything about the mourning attire of the mother who has lost a child is the same as that worn by the widow, with the exception of the white cap ruching. The 292 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS duration of the period of mourning for a child must be determined by the mother; some wear mourning for a lost child all their days, others do not believe that one should wear deep crépe, then lighter mourning for six the spirit that was young and vivid. For babies or chil- dren that were very young the mother should wear white or gray or mauve without colors. THE DAUGHTER OR SISTER IN MOURNING At the funeral a young daughter or sister wears a veil down to her waist or longer. The same kind of veil is worn for at least three months and should preferably be worn for a year. It may be worn longer, too; that all depends upon the age and the sincerity of feeling. For the girl who is actively engaged, a thin net veil with an edging of crépe, reaching a short way down her back, is sign enough of her sincerity, and she may, if she wishes and feels that way, wear none at all. Girls of from fourteen to eighteen wear black for six months and then black and white, and, of course, they never wear veils or crépe for trimming. Children be- tween the ages of eight and fourteen wear gray and black or white and black as a token of mourning for a parent, grandparent, or brother or sister. Tots under eight are never put in mourning, but their clothes should be selected — with a view to avoiding bright colors. A little girl may also wear a black hair ribbon and a little boy may wear a black tie. MOURNING WEAR IN THE COUNTRY It is very inappropriate to wear crépe veils and crépe trimmings in the country, except at church. Those in 293 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS mourning who go to the country for the summer need only wear all black with white organdy collar and cuffs, a plain black serge or tweed suit, or a suit of black lustre- less silk or some other plain material in black, with a plain hat with a brim and no veil. A WORD ON PROPRIETY The flexibility of the rules for mourning attire should not be taken as license to exceed by far their limitations. Extremes in ali circumstances are not the evidences of good manners and good sense. One may make the rules for mourning attire fit one’s individual personality and liking, but one must always be governed by what is deemed proper. MOURNING WEAR FOR MEN A black arm band from three and a half to four inches in width, and a black hatband, varying in width with the degree of mourning, is the extent to which a man is required to go in his expression of mourning. On hats for daily wear the black band is from two and a half to three inches in breadth, and on high hats it varies from a half inch to two and a half inches, The sleeve band is of broadcloth for overcoats or winter clothes, and of serge for summer clothes, The black suit brought for the funeral should be worn Sundays to church and on other special occasions. Occasionally a wealthy widower changes his entire wardrobe to black, but the man of average means cannot afford such outlay. The sleeve band and the hatband, black ties and black shoes and socks are sufficient evidence that a man is sincere in his feelings. 204 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS DURATION OF MOURNING PERIOD FOR MEN Customs for men vary little from those given for women, except, of course, that the mourning attire is more simple. But a widower is not to be seen at a dance or in a box at the opera, or at any other place that brings him into public attention for at least a year. A son should not take part in public entertainments for a year, and a brother not for six months. The father who has lost a child may suit his own inclination and feeling, but it may safely be said that a year is not too long to observe the mourning rules in this case. ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF SYMPATHY It is not necessary to do more than just write “Thank you,” or “Thank you kindly for all sympathy,” on a visiting card as an acknowledgment of the effort on the part of friends to express their sympathy. But this must be done! No one who is truly in mourning will ever shirk the opportunity of expressing thanks for the sym- pathy offered on the death of the dear one. It is as much an obligation to the memory of the dead person as it is an obligation of courtesy to the living one, perhaps more so. While people do not look for or expect to receive letters of acknowledgment for flowers sent or assistance given, and while the existing card with the few words is sufficient, a few extra words on a sheet of letter paper _ are a bit more expressive. One may say: “You expressed difficulty in finding words to frame your feeling of sympathy, but what you 295 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS did for us expressed in a most perfect way your sincerity, and places us in the position where we cannot find words adequate to express our thanks,” “Your flowers were so beautiful, dear Mrs. Goodwill. Mother wishes me to express her thanks as well as my own.” “Thank you for your beautiful flowers and your kind message of sympathy.” If the one to whom the messages of sympatny and the flowers were sent is unable to fulfill the obligation, an- other member of the family may assume the duty, and express the thanks in the name of that person. But the notes must have a personal touch. Engraved cards may only be sent to strangers when the list of acknowledgments is very long, as in the case of a prominent person to whom letters and messages of sympathy pour in by the hundreds. The form may be engraved as follows: Mr. George W. Pillard gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy. Or a card may be used on which the name of the per- son to whom the acknowledgment is addressed is written in ink: | Judge and Mrs. Henry Van Alst wish to express their sincere appreciation of (name of person addressed ) sympathy in their recent bereavement 296 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Such cards must under no circumstances be sent to intimate friends who sent flowers or wrote letters. OBLIGATIONS TO OTHERS IN CASE OF DEATH A mere acquaintance need not do more than leave his card at the house where the death has occurred. The card may also be sent. But an intimate acquaintance or friend must go at once to the house and leave a card with “In sympathy,” or some such expression, written on it; or a letter must be written. In either case flowers must be sent with a card attached bearing another message of sympathy. Only very intimate friends disregard the notice not to send flowers. Or when the notice not to send flowers is issued, you may send a few flowers after the funeral with a note to the member of the family who is your particular friend. If the funeral is to be private, you should not go without a request from some member of the family, unless you are so good a friend that you may presume to go without being asked. When there is a general funeral, you should go, even though your acquaintance with the family is but slight. But one should not go to a funeral or leave cards when one has never been at the house of the family in bereavement. On the other hand, those who have frequently been at such house, or have had business or other relations with the deceased, or those who are intimate friends of some member of the family, must not be lax in performing the obligations devolving upon them. Laxity in the case of death is an unforgivable, and a really cruel fault. Few reasons are 297 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS acceptable as excuses for failure to do one’s duty when death has called. Black clothes should be worn if possible, or at least one must wear the darkest that one has. The church should be quietly entered, and one should never sit too far front, unless intimately acquainted with the family. 298 ‘ ' me Tis) x p F , y P : A. +> i ¢ : 7 . t fad 4 » i i =~ - a PART IV eo FORMAL PROCEDURE | CHAPTER [ THE FORMAL DINNER The dinner described in Chapter III of Part I of this book, while intended as a description of a small dinner, is fully given as a semi-formal occasion. All the proce- dure is based on formal custom, and all the important points are mentioned. But this book is not intended for those who are in a position to give a very big and elab- orate dinner with unlimited equipment and practically unlimited service, including butlers, footmen, door at- tendants, etc. In fact, the entire plan of this book is based on the contention that those who are in a position to give such elaborate dinners need no recourse to a book of instruction. And those who are so fortunate as to be guests at such dinners, most likely need no instructions as to personal behavior. For those who want the infor- mation on personal behavior, all details are clearly set forth in the chapter mentioned above. Conduct at all other occasions is also covered in other chapters of this book, while details of the more elaborate functions are given in full in this chapter for those who may be interested. A brief resumé of the important points to be remem- bered by those aspiring to success in dinner giving fol- lows, merely to qualify what has already been given in Chapter III of Part I. G, Man.—K 301 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THINGS TO BE REMEMBERED IN DINNER GIVING Guests—Select people who are congenial and favorable to one another, and, what is more important, be sure to place people together at table who are sure to get along well in conversation. Food—Have a suitable menu—have the hot dishes hot and the cold ones cold. Table Furnishing—Linen must be faultlessly lundered, silver perfectly polished, and all other table accoutrements must be suitable to the occa- sion and the surroundings. Service—Have enough expert dining-room servants to be certain of the best possible service, proper dishing and presentation of food. Drawing Room—The room must be large enough to accommodate the number of guests invited, and so arranged that nothing can be found lacking. Reception—Cordiality and hospitality combined in the host, poise and charm and perfect manners embodied in the hostess are requisite. It is to be remembered that the large formal dinner 1s hot something to be attempted by the novice. Practice only can fit one to give a perfectly managed formal din- ner. And the necessity for perfection increases with the size and formality of the occasion. It is also to be re- membered that those who give large formal dinners are the occupants of large houses with practically unlimited resources at hand; a secretary to prepare the lists, and 302 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS invitations, and to attend to all the other arrangements, so that the lady who gives the dinner has nothing else to do but to set the date—and then to be there at the time. And, to repeat, the person who is so equipped is also equipped with the basic element, the “know how” to do it. The other methods of formal procedure given in the succeeding chapters are given not so that the readers may know how to arrange such functions, but rather that they may be familiar with all details, so that any of us who may be invited to any such affairs may know how to act. 393 CHAPTER II FORMAL INVITATIONS, ACCEPT- ANCES AND REGRETS INVITATION TO A FORMAL BALL All formal invitations are engraved on cards of thin white Bristol board. They may be stamped plain with the coat of arms of the house if there is one, but mono- grams and other devices are not used. The size of the cards is optional, but the conventional size is from four to four and a half inches in width and from three to four and a half inches in height. The lettering should pre- ferably be plain, scrolls and trimmings are in bad taste, but the style of letter is a matter of personal choice. The initials R. s. v. p. are correct with the “R” in capital and the other letters small, for these letters represent the French phrase, “Répondez, s’il vous plait” (which means, “Respond, if you please”), and in the full phrase only the “R” is a capital. Actually the use of all the initials in capitals is incorrect, but the form is accepted. Note paper, like that used for wedding invitations, is occasionally used. In the strictest sense of the word, an invitation to a private ball is not an “invitation to a ball” at all, for the word “ball” never appears on anything but an invitation to a public ball. For example, the invitation to a public ball might read: ) 304 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The Committee of the Elm Club requests the pleasure of your company at a Ball to be held in the Elm Clubhouse on the evening of November the fifth _ at ten o’clock for the benefit of the Children’s Fund Tickets Five Dollars Regardless of where the private ball is held, however, the invitations always state that Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So will be “At Home,” and the word “Dancing” is placed in the lower right corner, the lower left corner being used for the request for an answer or the information as to where the answer is to be sent. Examples : Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee At Home On Tuesday the seventh of December at ten o’clock oo West Fiftieth Street The favor of an answer Dancing is requested Mr. and Mrs Billingsbee Allan At Home On Monday the sixth of January at ten o’clock Hotel Sphinx Kindly send reply to Dancing Two Wellborn Street 395 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The type for the engraving may be script or block letter, plain or shaded. When the both letters of the “at home” line are in capitals, the most punctilious invitation possible has been attained. Simplicity of form is expres- sive of dignity. Nothing but the prescribed style, and the simplest card is permissible. INVITATION TO A BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE DAUGHTER The proper form for an invitation to a ball given for a débutante daughter is as follows: Mr. and Mrs. Billingsbee Allan request the pleasure of (name of person invited here) company at a dance in honor of their daughter Miss Genevieve Billingsbee on Monday evening, the fourth of December at ten o'clock oo West Parkville Avenue R: s. v. p. The following is also correct: Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee Miss Genevieve Billingsbee request the pleasure of EtCy, ‘ETC, But though the following is sometimes used, it is not strictly correct: 306 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee Miss Genevieve Billingsbee At Home, etc., etc. If the dance is given for a young friend, the invitations are the same with the name of the friend given in place of the daughter’s. ASKING FOR AN INVITATION FOR A FRIEND Though one may not ask for an invitation for oneself, one may ask an invitation for a friend to an entertain- ment of a general nature, but never to a luncheon or dinner. It is especially permissible to ask an invitation for a house-guest. Example: Dear Mrs. PROMINENT, My nephew from Baltimore, Johnson Bigbey, is staying with us. May Judith take him to the dance on Wed- nesday? Please do not hesitate to say frankly if it will be inconvenient. Very sincerely Mar TELLER BRONSON Answer: DEAR Mrs. Bronson, I shall be delighted to have Judith bring Mr. Bigbey on the seventh. Sincerely yours, APOLLONIA PROMINENT 307 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The mother of a young girl should always do the ask- ing for her, but an older girl may ask for herself, in the same general way described above. The message may also be sent by telephone. A man may ask for an invi- tation for a friend. CARD OF GENERAL INVITATION For the hostess who entertains a great deal, a card engraved in blank may serve for dinner, luncheon, dance or any other general entertainment. For the important entertainment, the invitations are always especially en- graved, so that nothing is written but the name of the person invited. Example of card in blank: Mrs. Billingsbee requests the pleasure of company at on at o’clock oo Parkville Place INVITATIONS TO TEAS AND RECEPTIONS Reception and tea invitations are practically the same as those used for balis, but the cards are a trifle smaller and the words “At Home” are changed to “will be at home” (all in small letters), and the name of the débu- tante for whom the tea is given is always placed under the name of her mother. If an older sister or the bride 308 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS of a brother is to take part in the tea, the name of this lady is placed above that of the débutante. Unless the occasion is a particularly special one, the name of the father is, of course, not put on the card. THE FORMAL WRITTEN INVITATION If the formal invitation to luncheon or dinner is written instead of engraved, note paper is used and the form and spacing of the engraved invitation is followed exactly. The note paper for the formal invitation may bear the regular address stamp, but the telephone number must not appear. The notes are, of course, written in the third person, and names usually spelled out must also be spelled out in the written invitation. If well done the written invitation is indeed acceptable; it adds a personal touch that is unobtainable by any mechanical form. RECALLING AN INVITATION A “recall” is printed in the following form: Owing to sudden illness Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee are obliged to recall their invitations for Wednesday the fifth of April A postponement is made precisely the same way, and if the date cannot be stated, nothing is said. When a wed- ding is broken off, the announcement is simply made as follows: 309 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Bolling announce that the marriage of their daughter Helen Rita and Mr. Vincent Alwell will not take place. FORMAL ACCEPTANCE OR REGRET Formal acceptances and regrets are always written; a printed form is vulgar. All acceptances are made in the same identical way, and the regrets are all made the same way, with exception of the reasons, which should be truthfully stated. Acceptances and regrets are discussed further in Chapter III, of Part I. INVITATIONS IN THE SECOND PERSON Are discussed in Chapter III, of Part I. VISITING CARD INVITATIONS Are discussed in the chapter on Cards and Visits. INVITATIONS TO A COUNTRY HOUSE An invitation to a country house is always informal and is written. Those invited are usually intimate or at least acquainted, and the language is naturally what might be expected to pass between people well acquainted. THE INVITATION BY TELEPHONE Is discussed in Chapter III, of Part I. 310 CHAPTER ITI TEAS AND AFTERNOON PARTIES The word “tea” is not nearly so dangerous as it may sound. A modern tea is not like its forebear, the “recep- tion” of old. Teas to-day, even though formal, are the epitome of friendliness. One does not go dressed in the Sunday-go-to-meeting best, nor does one assume an Over-ceremonious manner; in short, one goes to see one’s friends. THE AFTERNOON TEA AND DANCE A tea with dancing is usually arranged to “bring out” a daughter or to present a new daughter-in-law. The invitations, regardless of the number, are the same as described in the previous chapter, and such invitations are usually sent to the general visiting list, so that it is necessary to engage the ballroom of a hotel. Whether or not one takes the large or small ballroom is dependent upon the number of guests expected. The arrangements for an afternoon tea are not very elaborate. A screen of palms to “hide” the musicians, a cluster of greens here and there, and a table or two to hold the flowers received by the débutante, furnish all the decoration. The curtains of the ballroom or the drawing-room are always drawn and the lights are lighted as for a ball. Guests are announced either by 311 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the hostess’ own butler or by the caterer’s “announcer.” The hostess and her daughter or daughter-in-law receive together, but after receiving for an hour or so the débu- tante may be allowed to dance. As soon as the younger people have been received, they dance; the older ones sit about and talk with friends, and take tea. THE MENU AND SERVICE A formal tea is arranged very much like the wedding standing breakfast. A large table is set with all sorts of sandwiches, hot biscuits, muffins, sliced cakes, little cakes of all varieties and shapes, chocoiate, bouillon and tea. Nothing that does not come under the heading of bread and cake is permissible, if the tea is to remain a tea, and not become a “reception.” At the ends of the table there are bowls of cold drinks for the dancers. Guests go to the tables and help themselves. The cater- er’s men attend the table, that is, keep it replenished with food and cups, etc. Chocolate already poured into cups, with whipped cream on top is passed on a tray by a servant, and tea poured in cups, accompanied by a small pitcher of cream, bowl of sugar and a dish of lemon is served the same way. AFTERNOON TEAS WITHOUT DANCING Ordinarily the afternoon tea means nothing more than being at home on a specified afternoon. In the winter, the blinds and curtains are drawn, the room is lighted and a large tea table is spread in the dining room, or a small one is spread near the hearth in the drawing room. Usually afternoon teas serve the purpose of honoring 312 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS a visiting celebrity, an engaged couple, a house guest from another city, new neighbors, or to “warm” a new house. The invitations are merely visiting cards, with “To meet Mrs. Houever,” written across the top and the date and “Tea at 4 o’clock” written in the lower corner opposite the address. — Unless the person for whom the tea is given is such a celebrity that the tea becomes rather a reception, the hostess does not stand at the door to receive. She merely stands near enough to be easily found by those coming in. THE SERVICE When there are as many as twenty or more guests at a tea, two intimate friends especially invited for the purpose serve at the table in the dining room. Their service consists of pouring tea at one end of the table and chocolate at the other. These ladies are selected gener- ally for their appearance and manners. They wear after- noon dresses and hats, which distinguish them from the other guests, who are in street dress. One need not know the ladies at the table to go into the dining room and say, “May I have a cup of tear” The lady will probably say, “Certainly! How do you prefer it? Strong or weak?” Then she will watch for you to signify “when.” One does not rush up, grasp a cup of tea or chocolate and rush away again. If the lady “at the table’s end” is occupied, she may merely smile, but when she is unoccupied a few words are ex- changed, while the guest drinks, and eats a sandwich or a little cake. If another guest comes into the dining room meanwhile, the first one may go away unnoticed 313 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS when she has finished. If the table hostess is still unoc- cupied the guest may simply nod a good-by and leave. The lady who is acquainted with the table hostess may draw a chair up to the table next and drink her tea or chocolate while the two converse, but when she has finished, she must give up her place upon the approach of another guest. If a new arrival is a friend, the two ladies may sit in another part of the room and have their tea or chocolate. A tea table is not set with places, but chairs are usu- ally placed close by so that those who prefer may draw up chairs and sit at the table. Tea and chocolate may also be passed on trays at an afternoon tea of the char- acter above described. “DO COME IN FOR A CUP OF TEA” Such an invitation written on a visiting card is the favorite form, whether there is to be a special attraction or not, or the invitation may read, “Do come in Thurs- day to see Dodge perform,” or something of similar character. Invitations to a tea of special character are never issued broadcast. Usually none but close friends are asked, or, at most, those on the dining list of the hostess are invited. If the number of guests is very small, the hostess may sit behind her tea table, as she does any afternoon. THE EVERYDAY TEA TABLE Let us understand right from the start that a tea table for an everyday tea, or for any other tea, is not on 314 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS wheels. It should be a small table, preferably of the drop-leaf variety, so that it may be easily moved about. An approximate good size is two feet or a little more in width, by about three feet or a little more in length. An auxiliary table that is of great convenience is the little “curate,” placed next to the tea table at the right of the hostess. This little assistant usually has three shelves large enough to hold a good-sized plate each. No servants ever attend at a tea. Upon a signal from the hostess the tea table is brought in and set before her. It is then covered with a cloth of white, or perhaps colored linen, or it may have little or much needlework or lace, or a little of each, and the cloth may just cover the table or it may hang halfway down the sides. When the cloth is placed, the tray is brought in, holding every- thing except the plates of food. By everything is meant a kettle containing water that is already boiling, under which a spirit lamp is burning to keep the water hot; an empty teapot, a caddy of tea, a strainer, a slop bowl, cream pitcher, sugar bowl, a dish of sliced lemon. If the tray is not quite large enough to include the stack of little tea plates and the pile of cups and saucers, they may be brought in on a separate tray and placed on the table. The cups and saucers and tea plates must all match. The tea plates are stacked up one on top of the other, with a napkin about twelve inches square, hem- stitched or to match the tea cloth, folded and placed on each of the plates, so that each plate may be lifted off the stack with its own napkin. The curate is brought in with the food already in place. Careful arrangement will greatly facilitate the service to such an extent that a tea will be given with very little effort. 315 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE TEA MENU It is preferable to select a menu for a tea that is easy to handle. Anything that suits the momentary whims of the hostess, or something that she knows will please her guests, is acceptable. The top shelf of the curate usu- ally holds a covered dish of hot bread of some sort; the second shelf may hold sandwiches, or some other dish; and the bottom shelf holds the cake or cookies. Some prefer a simple diet, others an elaborate one. There may be bread and butter or toasted crackers, followed by plain cookies; or English muffins and jam, or toasted cheese sandwiches, followed by layer cake with whipped cream. Some prefer marmalade or honey on bread or buttered toast or muffins; but anything of this nature requires little knives and dishes for the jam or preserve. For a tea at a very large house, and especially if some guests are present by special invitation, there should be two hot dishes to provide sufficient variety. One dish may be hot toast or buttered biscuits, or toasted English muffins, and the other may contain corn muffins or hot gingerbread or crumplets. The two cold dishes should preferably contain fancy cakes and cookies, or a layer cake. In hot weather the hot dishes should be substi- tuted by cold lettuce sandwiches or a paté, and there should be a choice of hot and cold tea, or iced coffee or chocolate frappé; nothing else. Sandwiches for a tea (or any collation) are made by buttering the end of the loaf and then spreading the fill- ing and cutting the slice off. This method permits of cutting the slices thin and yet not presenting bread that was “ruined” in the attempt to spread the butter and the 316 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS filling. The second slice of bread is put on unbuttered. Considerate hostesses who adopt good procedure serve sandwiches with the bread crust cut off all around, leav- ing only the part of the bread which is most easy to eat, and, of course, making dainty sandwiches. The remain- ing squares are usually cut diagonally. Those going in for wholesale “sandwich manufacture” would do well to get a regular sandwich cutter. THE EVERYDAY TEA SERVICE When the tea table has been “set” and the curate has been brought in, small individual tables with glass tops are put beside each guest. These tables are very low so that the person may just reach out comfortably with- out leaving the seat. After the little tables have been placed, the servant leaves the room and does not come in again unless the hostess rings for “supplies.” The hos- tess “makes” and serves the tea herself. Those who sit nearby reach out for their cups and saucers. Ladies seated at a distance get up and get the tea which the hos- tess holds out to them. The cup and saucer is placed on the little table, and the lady comes back, takes a plate and napkin and helps herself to whatever she prefers. One thing only is carried at a time. If a gentleman is present, he takes the tea to the ladies seated at a distance and then passes the curate, and puts it back in its place. Soft cakes that cannot be taken up in the hands must be eaten with forks, found on the tea table. Knives must be on the tea table if required, so that each guest as she takes her plate and napkin may help herself to the jam, or whatever is served, take a knife, and carry the dish and utensils back to her own little table. Unless one has 317 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS invited a troupe of jugglers, one should not expect that the guests handle a multitude of slippery and juicy things without the aid of the small tables. If there are no individual tables, it is better to stick to simple foods. THE ‘GARDEN: PAimioy: A garden party is an outdoor afternoon tea, elabo- rated upon. A tent or huge awning on the lawn com- plements the veranda, but the tent must have a floor for dancing—there is usually dancing at a garden party, and, if not dancing, there is some sort of entertainment. | The orchestra is placed so that it can be heard on the lawn and veranda. Umbrella tents are placed here and there on the lawn. Groups of guests are served there, by inaids who carry trays; though the tea table is set in the dining room. Little tables (not the individual tables mentioned previously) are placed under each umbrella on which the guests may place their glasses and plates. The dishes are always summery. Cold drinks are more evident than hot, and parfaits and berries in season are, of course, generally served, and the usual array of sand- wiches are also present. THE PERSONAL ELEMENT Whether or not a lady is capable of giving a success- ful tea depends entirely upon her own personality. If she is master of a book of etiquette and yet not suffi- ciently its master to be nothing but its servant, she will probably act so unbearably stiff and stilted that one visit to her house will be enough to scare away those of the 318 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS best society who came—and let it be understood that by “best society” is not meant “wealthiest society,” but that society made up of cultured people who take pride in themselves, know how and what to do and say, and yet know how to live and let live. 319 CHAPTER IV LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS THE INVITATIONS TO A LUNCHEON An engraved card is used for an elaborate luncheon, and especially for one given in honor of a noted person, but formal invitations to lunch are most generally writ- ten in the first person. They are usually sent out about a week before the date of the occasion. The wording is simple: Dear Mrs. SoMEBopDY: Will you lunch with me on Tuesday, the fourth, at half after one o’clock? Hoping so much to see you. Sincerely, SARAH WOODBEE. If the one invited is an intimate, she may be addressed. by her first name and the subscription may be “Affec- tionately.” If the luncheon is in honor of somebody prominent or distinguished, one would add “to meet . Mrs. Prominent” at the end of the first sentence in the invitation above. An informal invitation is most gen- erally telephoned. 320 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS TO A STAND-UP LUNCHEON OR BREAKFAST There is not much difference between a luncheon and a breakfast, not even so far as the hour is concerned. The breakfast hour is twelve or half after, and the lunch hour is at one or one-thirty. A stand-up luncheon is in- formal; the invitations are telephoned or written on a visiting card, usually just the date in the upper left corner with “Luncheon at one o’clock’’ directly under. If the hostess is anxious to know how many people will be present, she will put R. s. v. p. in the lower corner oppo- ' site the address, in which case the invitation must be answered—permissibly by telephone, but preferably in writing. On occasion, the hostess may prefer to send a personal note of invitation: DEAR Mrs. CLOSBEIGH : We are having a stand-up luncheon on Sat- urday, the fifth, at one o'clock. It will give us much pleasure to see you and your husband and any friends who may be staying with you. Very sincerely, ee EVELYN IyAM. Jan. 15. Such a note always requires a reply, if it is requested or not. The reply may be by telephone, but should rather be in writing. THE FORMAL LUNCHEON At a formal luncheon the hostess, instead of receiving at the door, usually sits somewhere near the center of Bar THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the room so that she may be readily seen and approached by arriving guests. If there is a butler, he precedes each guest to a point within speaking distance of the hostess, where he announces the name of the person and then stands aside. If there is no butler, the guests greet the hostess unannounced. She rises, or if standing, takes a step forward, shakes hands, and says, “I am so glad to see you,” or just, “How do you do?” If the guest shows signs of being unacquainted, she makes the necessary introductions. The butler or waitress usually knows the number of guests expected, and about twenty minutes after the ap- pointed hour he or she counts heads to see that all are present, and then enters the room, going to within speaking distance of the hostess, and says, “Luncheon is served.” If there is a guest of honor, the hostess leads the way to the dining room, accompanied by that guest. If not, the other guests just go in in twos without any particular order, except that the younger ones, of course, permit the older guests to precede. Gentlemen just stroll in with whomever they happen to be talking with— they never offer their arms to the ladies in going in toa luncheon, with one exception, and that is when there is an elderly guest of honor, who is taken in by the host. Even in this case the others follow informally. A cen- terpiece, either round, rectangular or square, or from thirty inches to a yard and a half square or in diameter and of dimensions in proportion to the size of the rec- tangular table, and with place mats to match in shape as well as material and design, furnish the covering for the lunch table. The centerpiece and place mats may be of practically any variety of linen or needlework or lace. 322 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS For the refectory table a runner is used in place of the centerpiece and doily. This does not reach to the side edges of the table, but hangs over at each end, or it may reach to within a number of inches of the edge of the table all around. The cover may be as large as a table- cloth, that is, hanging over the edges all around, but in this case it is almost entirely open-work or lace so that the table may show through. Candles are never seen on the luncheon or breakfast table unless the dining room is dark, but the rest of the decorations are practically the same as for a dinner table. There may be flowers or a silver ornament or some other ornament in the center and compotiers with ornamental fruit or candy at the corners, or either flower dishes. Should the table be very large and consequently seem bare without candelabra, vases or flower dishes or figures may be substituted. One should aim to have the ornaments match in material and design. The lunch napkin is much smaller than the dinner napkin. It should match the table linen. To be properly folded, the lunch napkin is first folded like a handker- chief in two folds so that there are four thicknesses. The resulting square is laid on the place plate point down so that the monogrammed or embroidered corner points down toward the edge of the table, then the upper cor- ner is turned under about one-quarter of the way down the diagonal and the two points at the right and left are loosely turned under. This gives a straight top and a pointed edge at the lower end. Otherwise the places for a luncheon are set precisely the same as for a dinner; there is a place plate, three forks, two knives, and a small spoon—and a bread and butter plate. 323 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE BREAD AND BUTTER PLATE The bread and butter plate has entirely displaced the butter plate. It is a small dish about five or six inches in diameter placed at the left of each place plate just beyond the fork. It is, of course, used to hold one’s bread and butter. Butter is sometimes put on the dish by a table attendant, but it is most generally passed. Hot breads, bread biscuits, dinner rolls, soda biscuits, or very thin bread roasted in the oven until it is curled and light brown (made for those who don’t eat butter—also suitabe for a dinner), are all placed in a silver, or an actual wicker, basket and passed as often as necessary. Bread and butter plates are removed with the salt and pepper pots. THE LUNCHEON SERVICE Service for a luncheon is identical with that of a din- ner, as described in Chapter III of Part I. THE LUNCHEON MENU The usual luncheon menu has four and at the most five courses, not including the coffee at the end of the course. Following is the composite of the average luncheon ment: . Fruit Soup. . Meat and vegetable (or eggs). . Salad—(or fowl or “tame” game with salad). . Desseri. wn Pwd # 324 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS The fruit usually consists of a combination of fruits cut into small pieces and served with sugar, or sugar and maraschino. This dish is served in a bowl-shaped glass placed within the bowl of a large-stemmed glass with ice between the two bowls; or it may be served in a champagne glass—but it must come to the table cold. Grapefruit comes to the table cut in half and prepared to eat. Soup at a luncheon, wedding breakfast, or ball supper is served in and eaten from two-handed cups, with a teaspoon or a bouillon spoon. There may be either chicken soup or clam broth, bouillon, tomato broth, or, in summer, cold bouillon or broth. The meat or egg course is a matter of personal selec- tion. If the second course is made an egg course, instead of soup, the eggs should be “light” and the meat course “not too heavy.” LUNCHEON BEVERAGES In communities where the afternoon tea is not a gen- eral habit, the hostess at a luncheon invariably has a tea set put before her at table and she “pours” tea, coffee, or chocolate. Hot tea is never served at a New York formal luncheon, but in the summer iced tea is a popular drink, and is also served in all country houses. Iced tea is poured from a glass pitcher by a servant. It is usu- ally prepared with sugar and lemon, but occasionally it is served unprepared and lemon and sugar is passed separately. At an informal luncheon cold coffee is often passed in a glass pitcher on a tray holding also a bowl of powdered sugar and a pitcher of cold milk and an- other of thick cream. Each guest pours his own coffee 325 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS and prepares it to suit himself, glasses with cracked ice being previously set before each guest. Sometimes the only beverage served is a “cup” of grape or orange juice with sugar and mint leaves and ginger ale or carbonic water. ETIQUETTE AT LUNCHEONS Ladies wear hats, veils if they choose, and gloves to a luncheon. Outer garments with the exception of the hat may be left in the hall or dressing room, but they go into the drawing room with their hats and gloves on and they may if they choose wear their neck pieces or carry their muffs. The hostess need not, but she may, wear a hat at her own luncheon. Guests take off their gloves at the table and lay them in their laps, placing the napkin over them. It is very poor taste to tuck in the gloves at the wrist. Gloves and veil may be removed before going to the table or the veil may merely be turned up at the table. A veil must never, of course, be allowed to hang so that each mouthful of food must be passed under the veil. Dresses for luncheons are simple, that is, untrimmed. Conspicuousness in clothes merely accentuates bad taste. Gentlemen wear business suits or sack coats with either stiff or pleated bosom shirts and starched collars at luncheons. In the country they wear country clothes; in town on a Sunday they wear Sunday coats, that is, cut- aways. Gentlemen leave their hats, overcoats, and sticks in the hall, THE TIME TO LEAVE The conventional luncheon hour is half past one; by two-forty-five the last guest should be gone, unless it is 326 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS a bridge luncheon. About a half hour to three-quarters of an hour is usually spent at the table and from twenty minutes to a half hour in conversation afterward. This brings it to about two-thirty. Of course, there are spe- cial occasions when the conventional staying hour is greatly exceeded, for example, when there is entertain- ment of some sort. Just as at the dinner, when one lady rises the hostess does likewise and the other guests invariably follow. They each shake hands with the hostess and say “Good-by” and “Thank you so much.” Intimate friends of the hostess may remain indefi- nitely, but a mere acquaintance should never stay a mo- ment after the other guests have gone. THE STAND-UP LUNCHEON The stand-up luncheon is a very informal and enjoy- able affair. The food is all put on the dining table. Everyone helps himself. There is bouillon or oyster stew or clam chowder. There are two hot dishes, a salad, and a dessert. Dishes which are easily eaten and handled are most suitable. The stand-up luncheon is very prac- tical for the hostess who has a medium-sized house, or when it is not definitely known how many people are coming, as, for example, when it is agreed that a party shall meet at a certain house to go to some sort of enter- tainment or games. SUPPERS Only intimate friends are invited to supper, since the supper table is the usual gathering place of the family. Invitations are most generally by word of mouth. The 327 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS supper does not differ from the informal luncheon ex- cept in time, and the clothes worn by those present. THE SUPPER TABLE Place candlesticks or candelabra on the lunch table and you have a complete setting for a supper, with the excep- tion of a big silver tea tray with full silver service for tea, cocoa, chocolate, or breakfast coffee, which is placed before the hostess. 328 CHAPTER .V BALLS AND DANCES It is not thought necessary to give the information con- tained in this chapter as encouragement to the readers to arrange formal balls. The formal ball is as remote from the possibilities of the person of moderate circum- stances as is the large formal dinner—if not more so. But there are many balls, not strictly formal in the true sense of the word, which are nevertheless well managed after formal custom. From the strictly formal laws one may be guided toward good manners at the affairs of less formality. With the information in this chapter on strictly formal balls and dances, and the further infor- mation in Chapter VI of Part I on semi-formal and informal balls and dances, one may acquire all the laws and adapt them to circumstances. PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL IN ASSEMBLY ROOMS Few homes are large enough for the purpose of hold- ing a ball so that arrangements must be made either with a hotel manager or the manager of some other suitable assembly room. ‘Two good orchestras must be engaged. Good music is the prime essential to a successful ball; without it all the best arrangements are discounted. There are two orchestras so that constant music may 329 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS be supplied; when one orchestra stops playing the other begins. At a proper formal ball there is no such thing as standing in the middle of the floor and clapping for an encore. It is also necessary to arrange with the manager of the ballroom for the engagement of reception rooms, smok- | ing room, and dressing rooms, also for the engagement | of the restaurant after it has been closed to the public. PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL OR DANCE AT A PRIVATE HOUSE For a formal ball at a private house there is always an awning and a red carpet from the door to the curb, a chauffeur to serve at the curb, and a private detective or policeman to guard against intrusion of uninvited guests. A very big ball requires the service of a detective inside to be sure that no “guests” slip in unannounced. Coat racks, ballroom chairs, crockery, glass, napkins, waiters, and food are supplied by the hotels or caterers (this service also includes the furnishing of the awning and the red carpet). The caterer’s men do not appear in livery unless the house has livery of its own to supply. The ballroom floor must be cleared of all furniture; if the floor is not too large, there should be no chairs placed around the sides (a good way to “crush out” wall- flowers). If the floor is not properly waxed, after a few dances the guests will probably sit around exhausted waiting for the supper hour to replenish their diminished energy, unless perchance one has invited teams of ath- letes. Needless to say, the resident of a New York apartment is not in a position to give a private house ball. 339 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE INVITATIONS There is no age limit applied or understood for attend- ance at a ball. It is in this respect that the main differ- ence is drawn between a dance and a ball; the partici- pants in a dance are all young. It is, of course, necessary toward the achievement of success to limit the invitations to those who add to the splendor and general appearance of brilliance; that is, of course, if the ball is to be a bril- liant success. This statement should not be interpreted as an endorsement of snobbishness, but should be taken at its face value—those who contemplate holding a ball of magnificent splendor will appreciate just what is meant, The invitations should include all of the personal friends of the hostess and all her more intimate acquain- tances, irrespective of age. In selecting a list, one should consider, just as one does when inviting guests to a formal dinner, the question of congeniality and of the acceptability of the guests one to the other. The ball given for a débutante requires the attendance of all the débutante daughters of the ladies on the general visiting list of the hostess. The young men of the same families should also be invited, that is, the young people of the mothers on the list are practically all invited, while the mothers are seldom asked. THE BORROWED LIST The lady who wants to give a ball for a débutante daughter who has just returned from school will proba- bly be perplexed when she gets to the point of sending out invitations, for while her daughter has been away 331 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS she has had no occasion to keep a list of young people. In such case, it is both permissible and necessary to bor- row a list from a friend. To merely send out invitations haphazard would be to encourage disaster, for there might be people of too wide a range in age to make the ball what it should be. Using a borrowed list, of course, necessitates borrowing from the right person. The names on the list may be strange to the hostess, but if they are the names of young people of the time who are ‘acceptable to a close friend, they will probably be ac- ceptable to the hostess, even though a majority of them are not known to her. ASKING AN INVITATION FOR ANOTHER PERSON Invitations for other people may be requested, but the circumstances under which this is permissible vary. Young men who dance are always acceptable. Older people and young ladies cannot very well be refused, but those who ask an invitation for a strange young lady should also see to it that she is taken care of at the ball, and that she does not become a charge on the hands of the hostess. The fiancée of the young gentleman who was invited would, of course, be attended by him so that the young man’s mother may with perfect freedom re- quest an invitation for the young lady. Distinguished strangers are also unquestionably welcome. It would be very tactless to ask an invitation for a person with whom the hostess is known to be acquainted, for there is a possibility that such person is intentionally omitted. When an intimate friend of the hostess is certain that some person has been overlooked, it is permissible to ask an invitation for that person as a sort of reminder. 332 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE INVITATIONS TO STRANGERS When an invitation is asked for a friend, it is usually sent without comment. If it is not sent, there should be no comment on the part of the one who did the asking. The invitations are received by the strangers without any explanation; it is left to the person who did the ask- ing to explain. When departing on the night of the ball, the strangers say to the hostess, “Thank you very much for asking us.” Immediately after the ball or party the strangers should leave their cards on the hostess. It is also the duty of the person who requested the invitations for the strangers to verbally thank the hostess. SURPER For a ball one may arrange either a sit-down supper that is continuous or a sit-down supper at a set hour; the buffet supper is served only at dances. In New York the supper service begins at one o’clock. The restaurant is closed to the public and is shut off from the rest of the hotel. The tables are decorated with flowers. Guests sit where they please and leave when they please, they pay for nothing and do not tip the waiters, nor do they sign supper checks. The menu and service are subject to personal taste and selection and are best arranged by consultation with the hotel or assembly room manager. A DANCE As explained under a previous chapter on ba!ls and dances, the only difference between a ball and dance is G. Man.—L 333 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the matter of decoration and the fact that invitations to a dance are limited to young people. Dances are usually attended by fewer people than balls and are consequently more often held in private houses. Most generally, how- ever, they are given in the banquet hall or the smaller ballroom of a hotel, or in the assembly room of a club- house. The difference between a formal and an informal dance is mainly one of detail; the informal dance is usually simpler than the formal and the guests at an informal dance are usually all very well acquainted, whereas those at a formal dance need not be acquainted. Supper may be a simple buffet or an elaborate sit- down supper, depending upon the size of the house or the personal desire of the hostess. BALLROOM ETIQUETTE Ten o’clock is the customary New York hour set for the formal ball. Guests do not generally arrive before ten-thirty, but the hostess and the person for whom the ball is given, if such is the case, must be ready to receive at the appointed time. Invitations do not generally bear the name of the débutante for whom the ball is given, so that the only way the guests can know that a ball is given for a débutante is by seeing her beside her mother. THE HOSTESS AT A BAe The first duty of a hostess at a ball is to stand in one place and receive the guests. If there is a stairway or elevator from which the guests approach the ballroom, 334 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the hostess takes her place somewhere between this approach and the entrance to the ballroom; or usually just without the entrance. Guests are announced as at a dinner or afternoon tea. They shake hands with the hostess and pass into the ball- room. One should not stay with the hostess more than a moment, particularly if other guests are immediately behind. A stranger should not expect that a hostess look after him or her, for she is as fixed as a sentinel on duty. The stranger who is a particular friend of the hostess would, of course, be taken care of by the host who is free; but other strangers should ordinarily be taken care of by the people who ask to have them invited. When a gentleman is a guest through invita- tion by request, he is generally accompanied by the friend who asked to have him invited and is presented to the hostess by the friend. If such a guest comes alone, the butler announces him to the hostess; he bows and says, “Mrs. So-and-So asked you if I might come.” The hostess extends her hand and says, “How do you do? I am very glad to see you,” and if there are other young people standing nearby, she introduces the stranger. If the opportunity to be introduced is not available, he waits until his sponsor arrives. The hostess may only leave her “receiving post” at the supper hour. She may then give her attention to the guests. Under the existing code of procedure the guests would be left entirely to their own resources were it not for the host and his son or son-in-law. These gentlemen go about and see that backward youths are “brought forward” and that “drooping violets” do not wither on the walls. Elderly gentlemen must be provided with 335 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS good cigars in the smoking room, and the convenience and pleasure of everybody must be provided for. Hospi- tality requires that the hostess do her utmost to please. When the guests leave, they must go to the hostess, wherever she happens to be, and say, “Good-night,” and shake hands. Those who find the evening dull and leave before time, would, of course, not draw particular atten- tion to their departure by walking across the ballroom floor and seeking out the hostess to say good-night; on the contrary, they would rather attempt to slip off unseen. GRACE IN THE BALLROOM A person may be very well mannered and yet in the ballroom give an opposite impression. Were the average person to be judged by grace, or rather lack of it, in the ballroom, most of us would be listed as ill bred. There are no laws by which one can govern one’s personal locomotion, but one may give thought to those things which tend toward a display of grace. It is not graceful to cultivate what is vulgarly termed the “lounge lizard’s slouch,” nor is the gait and swing of the profes- sional pedestrian quite the stride for the ballroom. Grace in the ballroom does not mean pretentious or accented mannerisms; it simply means natural poise, head erect, chest forward, a moderate natural step. The tendency to slide the feet across a slippery floor should be curbed. Granted that the floor is slippery and that more or less sliding 1s necessary to the one-who is not adept at cross- ing a ballroom floor, it is, however, necessary to those who aspire toward grace, to eliminate as much as possible of the “slide.” 336 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS MASQUERADE VOUCHERS To eliminate the necessity of having guests prove their identity in an “inspection room” by removing their masks, it is necessary to include with the invitations to a mas- querade ball a voucher or ticket of admission. It is per- haps better to mail the voucher separately to those who accept the invitation. BALLROOM CUSTOMS Young ladies and young men who go to balls individ- ually, that is, not as partners or as members of a group, are placed in the peculiar situation of grasping a com- panion. If a girl wants to insure against spending the evening alone, she must take the initiative and “catch” a companion. The young men are permitted to stand at the entrance of the ballroom in qa group and the members of this group are known as stags. The stags it may be stated frankly, are wary against being bound to stay with a girl with whom they may have no particular desire to spend the evening. Here then are two motives combating each other: the girl anxious to get and hold a companion for the evening, and the young man anxious to pick his companion or be free to “cut in.” “Cutting in” iS an existing custom (described fully in Chapter VI of Part II1) which permits a young man to dart out and tap on the shoulder a gentleman who is dancing. This requires that the gentleman who is “tapped” relinquish his partner to the other gentleman. It is further neces- sary to state that courtesy on the part of the gentleman 337 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS who has been “caught” requires that he stay with his “catcher” and courtesy on the part of the lady requires that she be not a catcher, but by some means or other relinquish the gentleman after one or two dances. Under the existing code (or lack of code) the girl who plays the courteous part and releases a dancing companion after one or two dances and then is not fortunate enough to dance again, must either stay and suffer the humilia- tion of sitting alone or go home. The young man who may have come to see some other girl may, if he permits himself to be introduced to a lady, suffer bondage for the rest of the evening and then finally have to tell his com- panion that he has a supper partner—and then the poor girl is alone! There are several alleged solutions to this state of affairs. One is the custom used in Boston, of having ushers. USHERS Ushers are selected from among the best known young men in society. They are chosen for their perfection of manners and tact. They wear white boutonniéres—a sort of deputy badge—which gives them authority to make the ball “go.” Their particular duty is to see that the inevitable “wall flower” is exterminated. An usher has the privilege to introduce any two people without knowing either personally and without asking permission. If he is not occupied, he may himself dance with a lady whether he knows her or not, and after once around he may call upon a stag to dance further with the lady, and then ¢all upon another stag to release the first, and so on. The usher system, however, only solves the problem 338 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS to a certain extent. The girl with pride would naturally feel humiliated at being time and again “rescued” by an usher, and the stags do not relish being “policed.” The dance program is another alternative. THE DANCE PROGRAM The advantages of a dance program are several. A girl can give as many dances as she likes to whomever she likes, and a man is placed in the enviable position of being able to choose his partners. If the particular girl he wants to dance with is willing, he may schedule every dance with her. But what becomes of the girl who is not asked? This question presents one great objection to the dance program. New York society has the other objection that it does not fancy dancing on schedule. THE FLOCK SYSTEM There is a growing tendency for young people to attend balls and dances in “droves.” They go together, sit together and have supper together. They have a good time. They are always dancing because they always have someone to dance with. But they are not restricted to their own group, for a stag may cut in and dance with any of the girls of the group with the assurance that he can at any time take her back to the others. She may also ask him to join the group, which he is at liberty to do and he is also at liberty to leave whenever he sees fit, because his going will not leave the girl alone. Occasionally groups of girls flock together and sit in precisely the same place in a ball room. ‘They dance, but always come back to the group. | Only a girl well known and popular may venture to 339 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS a ball alone. She is sure to meet acquaintances and have company. A girl may become a member of a “flock” by attending dinners, or if she is not fortunate enough to be invited to dinners her mother must give one for her and invite sufficient young people. A girl may also attend a ball alone if she has one or two beaux who are certain to wait for her and take care of her. But ordi- narily a girl who goes to a ball without a chaperon must be accompanied by a maid who waits for her in the dress- ing room. Having the maid is also a sort of life saver for the girl who is not “successful” at the ball, cannot even go home until the end of the affair when somebody is obliged to escort her. WHAT TO SAY AFTER DANCING After a number, the young man may offer a cordial “Thank you” to the lady who favored him with the dance. The lady bows gracefully in acknowledgment. If a gentleman wishes to leave a lady with her group and go to another part of the room, he may say, “Excuse me, I have an appointment’”—but, as previously stated, he must not leave the lady entirely alone. OTHER INFORMATION Bal poudre on an invitation announces that the ball is a fancy dress ball. Bal masque on an invitation means that the ball is to be a masquerade. Further information about “cutting in,” sitting out dances, asking for a dance, public balls and subscription dances, may be found in Chapter VI, Part I. 340 ~ CHAPTER VI THE DEBUTANTE In French the word débutant in its basic sense refers to an actor making his first appearance, and is used also to mean a beginner. The feminine form débutante refers to an actress. The society débutante is both an actress and a beginner, and it is well for the young lady making her début (initial appearance) to bear this fact in mind. Her “coming out” is a sort of military review. The “generals” of society pass in review to inspect the young recruit. If she plays the part of a thoroughbred lady, she will readily be accepted into the ranks of the army to which there is no other qualifying factor so important as good manners and charm. Under the following titles will be found a general resumé of the procedure to be followed by the young lady who is making her début. THE BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE It is possible for very few people to arrange a “coming out” ball for their débutante daughter, but whether it be a tea or a ball that is given, the behavior of the young lady must be practically the same, and must of course, be as perfect on one occasion as on the other. The advice governing the general actions of the débutante at the ball may be applied to any other affair. At a ball celebrating her “coming out” the débutante 341 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS receives beside the hostess. She stands in such a position that the incoming guests approach the hostess first. When the guests have shaken hands with the hostess, she turns and says, “Mrs. Prominent, my daughter,” or “Olive, I want to present you to Mrs. Prominent” (“want to” is the familiar form that a mother would use to a daughter). To a friend who is likely to know the daughter the mother would say, “You remember Olive, don’t your” The débutante extends her hand to all guests and to those who are new acquaintances or only mod- erately well known to her, she need only say, “How do you do?’, particularly if there is a long line of incoming guests. If she happens to be talking with some friends, she should without showing anything but pleasure, turn to greet the new arrival. The greeting must be genuinely cordial, so that the newcomer may feel welcome. WHAT TO SAY TO THE DEBUTANTE A stranger may comment on the loveliness and number of the débutante’s bouquets, or say something about society affairs in general, such as mentioning the lack of balls, etc.; or one may wish her a very enjoyable season. A friend of the mother may comment on the loveliness of the girl’s appearance or on the beauty of her gown; but one must be a close friend to do this. No mere acquaintances, unless quite old, should make per- sonal comments, and even then they must be politely worded, as, for example, “You won’t mind, will you, if I tell you how lovely I think you look?” But it is not good form for a young acquaintance to speak about the débutante’s dress; on the other hand, this is permissible of a close young friend. 342 THRE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS BOUQUETS FOR THE DEBUTANTE Relatives, friends of the family, young admirers and her father’s business associates customarily send a débu- tante bouquets, baskets or other decorative flowers. The flowers are attractively arranged somewhere near the place where the débutante stands to receive. If there are a great many, they are placed around the room where- ever they look well. The young lady always holds one of the bouquets in her hand and its choice is usually taken to indicate a preference toward a particular beau, so that the young lady who is not prepared to make such an indication, may better choose the bouquet from her father or brother. Those who have sent flowers must be thanked as they arrive in the ballroom, and those who are older should always receive a note of thanks. For very intimate friends and relatives the verbal thanks are sufficient. A WORD ON RECEIVING _ At a ball the débutante receives with the hostess until at least twelve o’clock, later if necessary, and it is neces- sary as long as guests are still arriving. At all coming out parties the débutante may invite a few friends to receive with her. These friends have no particular duty. They do not stand in line, but merely stand about near the débutante to add to the picture. They wear evening clothes at any afternoon or evening party. THE DEBUTANTE AT SUPPER A table is reserved in the center of the dining room for 343 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS the débutante and her party. It is usually especially | decorated, both to add to its attractiveness, and to dis- tinguish it from the others. The débutante goes to supper with a partner who has very likely asked for the privilege long in advance. The rest of her party is made up of friends whom she person- ally selects, and their partners. After supper the débu- tante is at liberty to enjoy herself. THE DEBUTANTE’S DRESS With one exception—her wedding—the young girl is never more desirous of looking her best than at her coming out party. Ata ball, a ball dress should be worn, and precedent rather requires that it be white and of a light gauzy material or lace. Its essential requirement is the expression of youth, brightness and gaiety. By no means should the dress be over elaborate and never should strong colors be used. The hostess wears a handsome ball dress. A simple evening dress is worn by the débutante at an afternoon tea. Paleness of color and simplicity of design are the two requisites for the coming out costume for an afternoon tea. The mother wears an afternoon dress. Mother and daughter wear long gloves and no hats; none of the receiving party wear hats. “WORDS TO THE WISE” DEBUTANTE Good manners based, of course, on kindness and con- sideration for others are the foundation upon which every aspirant to social success must build her future. A pretty face and handsome and luxuriant clothes are not 344 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS sufficient to captivate the modern society man or woman, A moment of rudeness may ruin the cherished hopes of a fond mother, and bar a young lady from the circles in which she could otherwise move. It should not be, but unfortunately is necessary in this day of laxity to caution the débutante-to-be about some of the elements of good manners. Giggling, whispering, pawing, patting, nudging, hanging on people, and all other actions not becoming the dignified and well bred person should be avoided. It is too often noted that modern attendants at functions that should breathe poise and dignity resemble rather the field of sport. Perhaps it may also be necessary to caution once again against pre- tentious mannerisms, boisterous laughter and the in- sincere attempt to laugh at something that is not really provocative of laughter. Simplicity, dignity and plain ordinary good manners are undeniably the ear marks of the well bred person; nothing else will create the proper impression—the counterfeit inevitably discloses its identity. 345 CHAPTER VII THE CHAPERON Many little things are often done and said when young people get together that are in no sense very wrong and could not be termed improper, yet their general tenor is such that things would be better if they had not been said, or done. Contrary to prevalent opinion, especially that of young people, a chaperon is of more good than is ordinarily supposed, and the effect on the girl who has always been accompanied by a chaperon, is marked. There need be no sacrifice of personal liberty in the presence of a chaperon, in fact with one present the girl may act with less thought about every move she wishes to make. A chaperon whose sole duty is to chaperon is not an everyday sight in this generation, for they are seen only with girls too young to have married friends. Older girls usually go about with friends who are married, but it is not proper for a girl to be seen going around a great deal in the company of a married woman unattended by her husband. THE RESIDENT CHAPERON A young girl should not live without the company of an older lady. If she has a father who is able to devote all his time to her, a chaperon is not necessary, but some- one must protect the girl until she is either old enough to 346 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS be married or until she has reached the age of twenty- five or twenty-six, or tuntil she shows clearly that her behavior is constantly beyond the slightest possibility of reproach. A lady chosen as chaperon must be one well versed in all matters of propriety, and of social standing superior to the girl in charge. She may be a relative, but ordinarily is rather a companion. Her disposition and character must be such as to influence her charge in all matters relevant to the future well-being of the girl. Needless to say, it is foolish for a father to select for his daughter a chaperon who is not of broad mind and kindly nature, nor is one who has no sympathy with the pleasures of the young an acceptable choice. The mother of a girl should rather give up something else than to give her daughter into the care of another woman, unless the mother feels sure that that woman is better qualified to take care of the girl and bring her up perfectly. DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON Without interfering or meddling, the chaperon must be present whenever or wherever her charge is in the com- pany of young men, with the exception, of course, of those occasions that are considered permissible, as later described. She must protect the girl against the advances of those who are not fitting company, and check at the outset an acquaintance that does not seem acceptable. The girl who respects her chaperon will respect her judg- ment, and will feel sure that such action is for the best. The orphan who gives a formal ball does so in the name of a near relative, but if there is no relative, it is 347 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS given in the name of the chaperon. If there is a father, the invitations are issued in his name, and the girl receives with him. Dinner invitations for an informal dinner— which is the only kind a young girl can give—are tele- phoned by the girl herself. The chaperon should always be present at an affair given by the girl, for it is not proper for a girl to act as hostess alone. The chaperon must either receive with the girl or come in later, but she must be present. At an afternoon tea she may go into another room after she has poured tea. It is absolutely necessary that someone remain up on the evening of the party, or on any other occasion when young men are present until the last young man has left. A girl must never be permitted to sit up late at night with a young man. If the girl is returning from a party to which she went as one of a group, someone must open the door for her—and the young man must not come in! This is true even when the couple are engaged. The flancé must not come in when the hour is late, and some- one must open the door to let the girl in. She should not use a latch key. The chaperon must be present when an engaged couple © (and of course when the couple are not engaged) lunch at a roadhouse, on a journey that lasts over night, on a sailboat, or on any other similar occasion. It should be understood, however, that the chaperon need not be shackled to her charge. Very often an older sister fur- nishes all the chaperonage necessary. At a dinner party, for example, a sister might do, and it would even be permissible for a mother to dine elsewhere after she had completed her duty of receiving the guests with her daughter. 348 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS At a bachelor dinner, or any other party given by a bachelor, it is necessary that a chaperon be present when the first guests arrive, and she must stay there until the last guest leaves. Very often a bachelor has his aunt or some other lady relative present to act as chaperon. The careful chaperon will, of course, be sure that even in her company her young charge does not go to places that shoud not be visited. A young girl may not visit an unmarried doctor, clergyman or portrait painter unless accompanied by a chaperon. VARYING CONVENTIONS A young girl may motor around with a young man, or sit with him at the seaside, or walk into the woods with him, always with the father’s permission, but she may not sit in a restaurant with him and she may not go to the theater with him! And a lady who is not young may have a gentleman dine with her at her hotel, and a married woman may have a different man into tea every day, if her husband does not object! And a young girl may sit at the moving picture theater with a young man! If these laws of etiquette are too mystifying to fathom and to know what is right or wrong the sensible person will, of course, be guided by judgment and conscience, and be protected by that all protecting armor, “Good Manners.” 349 Ly Pra vie Stan i Se Ae a. . 4 ue aL AD CHAPTER I DRESS OF A LADY MORNING WEDDING THE BRIDE At a morning wedding, the bride wears a simple white organdie or crepe de chine dress. THE BRIDESMAIDS The bridesmaids wear simple morning dresses and plain hats with a bit of ribbon on them. GUESTS The guests wear simple flimsy summer dresses, (pre- suming, of course, that the wedding is held in the summer time). AFTERNOON WEDDING THE BRIDE For the bride’s dress at an afternoon wedding, see Chapter III of Part II. THE BRIDESMAIDS For the dress of the bridesmaid at an afternoon wed- ding, see Chapter II of Part IT. 353 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS GUESTS The guests at an afternoon wedding wear handsome afternoon gowns, hats, gloves, card or fancy bags, and fur scarfs if desired. The outer wrap is left in the hall. EVENING WEDDING Dress for an evening wedding is more elaborate than for an afternoon wedding and requires strictly evening wear. At an evening church wedding, the woman guests should wear wraps and scarfs, or some other light cover- ing for the head. Flower girls and pages are dressed in quaint old-fash- ioned dresses and suits of satin selected by the bride. RIDING The riding habit consists of a plain dark colored tail- ored suit. Frills of any sort are in bad state. Leather gloves two or three sizes larger than are ordinarily worn, and low-heeled boots of plain design and any hat that a man might wear, constitute the complete habit. Sharp cuts, curves, angles, pleats, ruffles or other trimming, other than a white carnation or perhaps a few violets, should be avoided. Everything should tend toward sim- plicity of line and contour, more on the order of the clothes of the smartly and correctly dressed man, rather than the mistaken “picture conceptions” of riding habit. The hair should be combed back flat so that the hat fits well on the head, and keeps the hair neatly in place in spite of the jogging of the horse. 354 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS LUNCHEON Ladies leave their outer wraps in the hall. They may, however, wear fur neck pieces, and carry their muffs into the drawing room. Hats and gloves are always worn. Gloves are removed before or upon reaching the table, and if a veil is worn, it is lifted and fastened above the nose. 3 Elaborate dresses and excessive jewelry are not worn. Good fashion decrees simplicity, good taste demands simplicity, good breeding makes simple the practice of simplicity. At a formal luncheon, the hostess invariably wears a hat, though she seldom wears a veil. AFTERNOON TEA Elaborate day dresses may be worn at afternoon teas. But any fashionable day dress is in good taste. Gloves and hats are worn. The elaborate tea gown with a train and long flowing sleeves is worn at tea time by a hostess, but is most ap- propriately worn at the family dinner table. A guest at the home of some member of her family, or a very intimate friend, may wear a tea gown, otherwise not. THE GARDEN PARTY An elaborate summer dress is worn only at garden parties. Country dresses, however, are appropriate. Hats and gloves are worn. Parasols and fancy bags are carried by the guests. 355 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THE MATINEE Regular afternoon clothes are worn to theatre and other afternoon entertainments. Simple dresses are best suited for these occasions. AFTERNOON COMING-OUT PARTY THE DEBUTANTE The débutante wears a very simple evening dress of pale color at an afternoon tea held in her honor. She wears long gloves, and, of course, no hat. THE MOTHER The débutante’s mother wears an afternoon dress and long gloves. She does not wear a hat. GIRLS WHO HELP RECEIVE The young girls who receive with the mother and débutante wear afternoon dresses and long gloves, but do not wear hats. THE GUESTS The guests at an afternoon tea given in honor of a débutante wear afternoon dresses, gloves and hats. DINNER INFORMAL At informal dinners the hostess and the guests may wear simple evening dresses. The dresses may be low- necked with elbow or long sleeves. No head dress is worn. 356 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS FORMAL An elaborate ball dress is appropriate for a formal dinner. Gloves are worn, but a head dress, unless fash- ion decrees it, is not conventional. The gloves are re- moved, and placed in the lap while at table. When the napkin is removed from the place plate, it is placed over the gloves. CONCERT, THEATRE AND OPERA An informal dinner dress is correct wear for attend- ance at an evening concert, the theatre and the opera on ordinary nights. On special nights at the opera, however, ball dress, head dress and jewels are worn. RESTAURANT WEAR Simple evening dresses are appropriate for attendance at high class restaurants. The head dress may conform to the custom of the locality, but it must not be over elaborate. It is not proper to dress as for a ball when going to a restaurant. Doing so seems pretentious— unnecessary display. The well bred do not try to draw attention to themselves. DANCES FORMAL AND INFORMAL Dress for an informal dance is similar to that worn to an informal dinner, and dress for a formal dance is similar to that worn to a formal! dinner. Shed THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS “BALLS A ball is an occasion of splendor and elegance. To be in keeping with the magnificence of the affair, the costume may be elaborate. A low necked sleeveless gown of beautiful material and color is the correct dress to wear. It need not be elaborate, however, for simple dresses of the best quality are very often most effective. The wearing of hair ornaments is to be left to the dis- cretion of the individual, that is, as to whether or not the particular hair dress in style is becoming, and depend- ing upon whether custom decrees a hair dress or not. BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE The dress for the débutante should be a pretty ball dress of soft material or of lace, but it must be youthful. The old custom is that of wearing a white dress. If the débutante wears colors, they should be very delicate. She wears very little jewelry. THE DEBUTANTE’S MOTHER The débutante’s mother wears the most handsome ball dress possible, and all her jewels. TRAVELING A plain cloth suit with a neat shirt waist is the proper dress for traveling. A small or medium sized hat and plain shoes are appropriate wear. A one piece dress and an outer wrap is also fitting for travel. Comfort and convenience are the main considerations in traveling. 358 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS BUSINESS The same style of clothes as those given above for traveling are most fit for business wear. COUNTRY CLOTHES Sport clothes are, of course, worn only in the country and should not be worn in the city. TA LADY'S COMPANION A companion wears the same clothes as any other lady would for the particular occasion. vob CHAPTER II DRESS FOR MEN THE CUTAWAY OR FROCK COAT WITH STRIPED TROUSERS The cutaway consists of a black frock coat with gray and black striped trousers and a white piqué or black cloth waistcoat. The coat is bound with braid, but more properly, it is plain. A black and white four-in-hand, or a black bow tie may be worn. A satin faced.lapel is worn on a more formal occasion by an elderly man. A silk hat, black patent leather or calf skin shoes with or with- out spats complete the outfit. The frock coat with striped trousers is worn at a morn- ing or afternoon wedding to church in the city on Sunday or at any formal daytime function, or as an usher at a wedding or as a palibearer. THE. TUXEDO The Tuxedo is a worsted suit, the coat of which is cut straight and held with one button at the waist line. The ‘lapels only are satin faced, but if it is shawl-shaped, the whole collar is made of satin. The braid on the trousers should be narrow. It is not necessary, however, to have braid on the trousers. A plain black tie, of sill or satin, | white enamel stud buttons or black onyx, a plain black or white waistcoat, and an opera, straw or felt hat as 360 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS worn in the country, completes the outfit, excepting the shoes, etc., which are exactly the same as for the formal dress. A very thin watch chain is permissible. The Tuxedo is worn at most dinners, at informal dances, at informal parties, at the theatre, when dining in a restaurant or at home, but never on formal occasions. eon Ubi OR SS Evening dress for men consists of full dress worsted suit, with satin facing and collar, either lapels or shawl- shaped collar and wide braid on the trousers; other trim- ing would be in bad taste. A plain white linen waistcoat with white linen and white lawn tie are, of course, part of the correct dress. Pearl shirt studs are decidedly evening dress. Elaborate, but inconspicuous, waistcoat, stud and cuff link sets are permissible in America. Hand- kerchiefs must be white, mufflers either white or black and white, gloves white buckskin, gray doeskin or khaki color. White kid gloves are worn at the opera and at a ball. The pumps, shoes or ties are patent leather, and the socks are plain black silk. The walking stick is plain with very little or no ornamentation. The handle may be either straight or bent. A silk hat and overcoat are always worn. The overcoat is worn in the summer time also. A very thin watch chain is permissible. Full dress is worn at evening weddings, at a ball, at a formal evening entertainment, at the opera and at a formal dinner. The wording of the invitation will disclose whether the affair is formal or informal; the formal invitation is always worded in the third person. 361 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS THREE PIECE SACK SUrn The three piece sack suit is worn to business and for traveling. It is also worn at informal daytime occasions. A dark blue or black suit may be worn by a guest at a morning or afternoon wedding, but not by the groom, best man or ushers. HOUSE SUIT The house or lounge suit was devised to provide com- fort for the gentleman on an evening at home. It is very much like an evening suit, but looser, and the coat has two buttons instead of the usual one of the Tuxedo. The purpose of the suit is to provide a change for evening—but it is not to be worn elsewhere but at home. SPORT CLOTHES All kinds of fancy tweeds, gay colored socks and ties are permissibly worn in the country. Flannels are to be worn for tennis, and knickerbockers with golf stockings for golf. Silk, cheviot, or flannel shirts with soft collars attached are worn with all sport outfits, The riding clothes of a man are conservative and should fit perfectly. English boots or leggings are worn, but they must be of reai leather and highly polished. Sport clothes should be worn in the country only; for all kinds of sport. The blue coat and white flannel trousers are worn to a luncheon, to church and to informal affairs in the country. 362 ~ CHAPTER III DRESS FOR SERVANTS LADY’S MAID A lady’s maid wears a black skirt, a laundered white waist and a small white apron, the band of which buttons in the back. While traveling, she wears a small black silk apron. The afternoon dress consists of a black shirt waist with white collar and cuffs. The lady’s maid usually wears a black velvet bow in her hair. VALET The valet wears an ordinary dark business suit, with a black tie. PARLOR MAID, HOUSE MAID, WAITRESS The parlor maid, house maid and waitress are always dressed alike; in plain cambric, with large white aprons with high bibs and Eton collars and no cuffs. For the afternoon they wear black dresses with white collar and cuffs, and small white aprons with or without shoulder straps. The waitress dresses for luncheon. Neatness is, of course, requisite; the white parts must be white, and the black parts spotless. 363 THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS BUTLER In the morning the butler wears an ordinary blue or black sack suit with a dark tie. When serving at the door in the early part of the day, he wears black trousers with gray stripes, a high cut double-breasted black waist- coat, and a black swallow-tail coat with satin on the revers, a white stiff-bosomed shirt with standing collar, and a black four-in-hand tie. At six o’clock the butler changes to evening dress, which differs from a gentleman’s in that there is no braid on his trousers, the satin lapels are narrower, and the waistcoat is black, but the tie white. He does not wear jewelry other than white enamel stud and plain cuff links. In the afternoon, however, he may wear a thin watch chain. FOOTMAN The footmen wear livery of the color scheme chosen by the people of the house. It is usually in harmony with their motor cars. 364 i ‘ os yy - 4 4 ; ie | i