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THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE; 
 
 A BURLESQUE. 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OP 
 
 r jaSt Loaf,” *‘ Stand by the' FugM. T ie Temn e?>'°” a\? J U ‘ e ’” “^ 9 
 
 Minutes for Refreshments,”^* We’re al^TeSotaW*^*??' % n »” “ Thirt y 
 ‘A Public Benefactor,” “ A Sea of Trou wlf ” - A A ?° Se Shave,” 
 Coals of Fire,” ” Freedom of the Press ” << sv,,, n Attachment,” 
 
 Gentleman of the Jury” ‘‘Hntnnv=% ‘‘^llOur Mothers Vote?” 
 :aptain,””New BrooZVeeopT^ °nSl e Strike,” “My Uncle the 
 ochondriac,” “The^n wTth th^nf’ • 1 Th ?,^ r ^, at E]ixir ,” “The Hy. 
 'hief of Time ” “wanS J A w? 1 V The Runaways,” “The 
 
 •recious Pickl’e,” «: nS Cu’re No p£°» k .i ™ A r£° Te ° f a Bonn’et,”“A 
 The Greatest PiagneinUfe””The%^- T « e CEaln P 10n of Her Sex,” 
 Using the Weed” “ Liffhthpnrf^^PM Cia - n Bend ’ “ The Red Ghignon,” 
 *ees,” S “ The Sc^ptor’s ^riunmh ” The Kevolt of tie 
 
 The War of the Roses ” “£ he Tournament of Idylcourt,” 
 
 Santa Claus’ Frolics ” “ Snow-BoS Bonbons,” " Capuletta,” 
 
 >ld Woman who lived in a Shop ” “TUck ■£> ® ^ ei ' r y Christmas of the 
 even Ages,” - To7 La^e for the Tra^in 
 
 Rebecca’s Triumph,” “ Comrades Pq H f 1S1 ? 1S freedom, 
 
 Messmates,” &c.,&c. aaeS, P st Redemption,” “Nevada,” 
 
 BOSTON 
 
AMATEUR DRAMAS 
 
 FOR 
 
 PARLOR THEATRICALS, EVENING EN- 
 TERTAINMENTS AND SCHOOL 
 EXHIBITIONS. 
 
 BY 
 
 GEORGE M. BAKER. 
 
 Sylvia’s Soldier. 
 Wanted, a Male Cook. 
 A Sea of Troubles. 
 We’re all Tetotalle^s. 
 Freedom of the Press. 
 The Rival Poets. 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 Stand by the Flag. 
 
 The Tempter. 
 
 The Greatest Plague in Life. 
 A Drop too Much. 
 
 The Sculptor’s Triumph. 
 Once on a Time. 
 
 The Pedler of Very-Nice. 
 
 Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by 
 GEO. M. BAKER, 
 
 in the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the District of Massachusetts. 
 Copyright, 1894, BY Emily F. Baker (in renewal). 
 
G>fc a v ret > \*~> Ho 4 , W \ 
 
 ?/2 
 
 < 0 / 73 , 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 A BURLESQUE OF THE 
 
 Trial-scene in The Merchant of Venice. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Shylook fa Pawnbroker). 
 
 Judge Bussell (of the Very Nice Police Court)# 
 Antonio (The Peddler of Very Nice). 
 
 Bassanio (a Yery Nice young Man). 
 
 Portia (a Yery Nice Bloomer). 
 
 No. 333 (of the Yery Nice Police force). 
 
 Clerk. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Shylock. — A long dressing gown, high colored; long white hose; san- 
 dals ; a coarse wig, made from horse-hair, that can easily be detached 
 in “ handfuls ; ” three hats, one on top of the other, in imitation of 
 the old Jew peddlers. 
 
 Judge. — Made up fat and pompous; knee breeches and stockings; long 
 wig; flowered waistcoat; blue coat; long white neck-tie. 
 
 Antonio. — Blue coat, with brass buttons, out at the elbows; black crop 
 wig ; seedy pantaloons and boots ; he carries a tray containing toys 
 and fancy articles, suspended by a strap around his neck, placard in 
 front, — “ Any thing on this hoard for four cents.” 
 
 Bassanio. — A rather dandified mixture of antique and modern costume; 
 eye-glass; mustache. 
 
 Porlda. — Bloomer dress; long curls; straw hat; spectacles and parasol. 
 
 333. — A burlesque imitation of a Boston policeman ; the hat very tall ; the 
 buttons on his coat very large; and an enormous “ billy.” 
 
 Clerk. — Rusty suit of black; black wig; cadaverous face, and heavy 
 black eyebrows. 
 
 All the characters should be labelled with placards suspended around 
 the neck, thus: — “ This is Shylock “ This is the Judge /” “ This is 
 Portia,'” <?c. The Judge’s chair, &c., should be labelled “ The Judge's 
 Chain ” “ The Clerk's Desk',” “ 333’s Bell;” “ S hy lock's Shears ;” q 'c„ 
 $c. Every thing U3ed in the piece should be labelled. 
 
 201 
 
202 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 Scene. — Interior of the Very Nice Police Court. Chair 
 for Judge, c. Table for Clerk, with chair , r. Enter , 
 l., No. 333 ; seats himself in Judge’s chair , and infolds 
 a newspaper. 
 
 333. Well ; here’s a go, the u Post” cut down again ! 
 Paper has riz once more, ’tis very plain. 
 
 It sarves ’em right : by critic’s sneer and frown 
 They cut us up ; so let ’em be cut down. 
 
 What’s this? by jingo, here’s a great display I 
 There must be something stirring, I should say. 
 
 No : only Holloway’s cures for many ills. 
 
 Why will these newsmen physic us with pills ? 
 
 We ask for light, they “ puff” a u safety-match ; ” 
 
 We itch for news, they bid us “ Scratch, scratch, scratch.” 
 Enter Judge, l. 
 
 Judge. Halloo, my jolly “gevus ! ” what’s to pay? 
 
 Is that the way you pass our time away? (333 jumps up.) 
 Go call the clerk. What means this long delay? 
 
 333. Please, sir, the clerk is lunching o’er the way. 
 Judge. Lunching at nine o’clock ! ’Tis in-jVrious. 
 333. Here comes the clerk, and looking very pious. 
 (Judge takes his seat , c. Enter Clerk, l., eating a 
 piece of pie. He carries under his arm a huge booh ; takes 
 his seat , R.) 
 
 Judge. Come, sir, this dallying with the law’s no joke ; 
 lust read the records, while I have a smoke. 
 
 ( Produces a huge meerschaum , and bag of tobacco.) 
 
 333. (l.) Your honor’s pardon ; but to blow a cloud 
 
 I n justice’s eyes is never here allowed : 
 
 A hint to a blind horse is good as a kick. 
 
THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 203 
 
 Judge . I think I won’t smoke : it might make me sick. 
 Clerk. First on the list is that highway robbery, 
 About which old Shylock kicked up a “ bobbery.” 
 
 Let a coat out of pawn, without claiming his pay ; 
 
 But the coat’s under bonds to come here to-day. 
 
 Judge . A coat under bonds ! How do you make it? 
 Clerk. Why, Bond the policeman was sent for to take it 
 ( Takes up a tart , and commences eating.) 
 
 Judge. How ! 333, quick call the parties : 
 
 Our scribbler’s answer, like his lunch, quite tart is. 
 
 333. (Ringing a large bell.) Oh, yes ! oh, yes ! come 
 Jew and Gentile too, 
 
 Come into court, and quick settle this stew. 
 
 ( Takes his place by the side of Judge. Enter, L., An- 
 tonio and Bassanio.) 
 
 Judge. What ! is Antonio here, and in his place ? 
 
 Ant. Antonio’s here, and ready, please your grace. 
 Judge . George F. Antonio, you’re a gay young lark, 
 And quite light-headed, though your hair is dark. 
 
 This Jew has fixed you in a tightish place ; 
 
 And right up to the music you must face. 
 
 Ant. May it please you, judge, I know I’m in a 
 stew, 
 
 And must confess this blow makes me quite blue ; 
 
 But I am in, and he shall find I can 
 Stand up to him, or any other man. 
 
 Bass. That’s right, old chap, hit out straight from tha 
 shoulder ; 
 
 I’ll second you, and be your bottle-holder. 
 
 Judge . 333, where is the Jew? 
 
 We’re getting anxious now to put this through. 
 
204 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 333. Climbing the stairs, the Jew just now appears, 
 Bearing his carpet-bag and sharpest shears. 
 
 (j Enter Shylook, l., with a carpet-bag and huge pail 
 of shears ; crosses the stage with a tragic stride , and stops 
 in r. corner . Exit 333, l.) 
 
 Shy . You sent for me, and I have hither come : 
 Speak quick, or I’ll go back to my wig warn. 
 
 Judge . Look here, old Shylock ; have no more such 
 stuff : 
 
 You’ll find your wig is warmed quite soon enough. 
 Shylock, the world thinks, and I think so too, 
 
 That you ar e gentle, though you are a Jew. 
 
 We think you are playing Antonio a joke, 
 
 Which, like good jokes, we trust, will end in smoke. 
 
 Shy. Such logic is enough to make one sick. 
 
 Do you think my bargain’s nothing but killikinick ? 
 
 Judge . Shut up, old man, and mind what you’r® 
 about ! 
 
 You’ll find your pipe will quickly be put out. 
 
 A dozen buttons from his coat you’d cut away , 
 
 Because he cut away , and did not pay ; 
 
 But gave his I. O. U., like many a goose. 
 
 To make his coat, just like his morals, loose. 
 
 So runs the bond ; and, if your case is won, 
 
 You gain twelve buttons, and he is undone. 
 
 We all expect a genteel answer, Jew. 
 
 Shy. I told your grace, at Higgins’, o’er a stew* 
 That I was bound to put this matter through ; 
 
 To have my bond, and have my buttons too. 
 
 If you deny it, let the danger lie 
 Upon your new-built City Hall close by, 
 
THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 205 
 
 Which, by the late election, now I think on, 
 
 Must be built stronger, having a strong Linkon. 
 
 You ask me why I claim this dozen brass 
 
 Rather than postage-stamps ; well, stamps won’t pass ; 
 
 So we’ll pass that, as I’m a humorous man : 
 
 I give that reason ; and no other can. 
 
 What if my house be troubled with a rat, 
 
 And I pay roundly for a Maltese cat ? 
 
 Or purchase Rat Exterminator, bound to kill 
 Either the rat or purchaser, at will? 
 
 Some men there are love not a roasted pig 
 With calves-foot jelly, or — in any rig. 
 
 No for your answer, as twice two are four, 
 
 And four times five will make just twenty more. 
 
 ’Tis very plain, that, with a pair such knaves, 
 
 Two dozen buttons for old clothes I saves. 
 
 No other answer will I give, that’s flat ; 
 
 So, while I take the buttons, hold my hat. 
 
 Bass. Thisfis no answer, you unfeeling brute ! 
 
 Shy. What is’t to you, you saucy, young cheroot? 
 Bass. Do all men cut their customers like you? 
 
 Shy. Well ; barbers cut their customers, — a few 
 Bass. Every offence is not a settled vice. 
 
 Shy. What ! would you have a barber cut you twice r 
 Ant. I pray you, chum, don’t question with the Jew, 
 But let old Red-nose put this matter through. 
 
 As well attempt to stop a city dinner, 
 
 As try to move this wicked, ugly sinner. 
 
 Judge. That reminds me of a joke. 
 
 Ant. Don’t say it. 
 
 L have the floor, so on the table lay it ; 
 
206 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERT NICE. 
 
 Make no more offers, not another stamp : 
 
 Come, take your buttons, and we’ll homeward tramp. 
 Bass . For thy six postage-stamps, lo, here are eight I 
 {Showing eight immense jive-cent postage-stamps.) 
 
 Shy . My friend, your offer’s given in too late. 
 
 If every stamp were in eight pieces rent, 
 
 Apd every piece were plastered with cement 
 Instead of gum, thick as a Poor Man’s Plaster, 
 
 Where every pull but makes it stick the faster, 
 
 I would not have them ; I would have my due. 
 
 I’ll have my bonds, and have my buttons too. 
 
 My gentle ’Tonio, now you plainly see, 
 
 In this great mucil age , you can’t gum me. 
 
 Bass. How canst thou hope for credit, giving none? 
 Shy. Because I have the greenbacks, curious one. 
 Those who want money want for credit too ; 
 
 They get no contracts, while the rich ones do. 
 
 As Uncle Sam shells out, ’tis plainly seen 
 The smartest ones are they who show most green. 
 
 Judge. Greenbacks, ha, ha ! I recollect a story — 
 Shy. Of Deacon Foster, or old Mother Morey? 
 
 Shut up, old man ! don’t you begin to sputter ; 
 
 That’s not the way to earn your bread and butter. 
 
 Don’t spare the peddler ; make him pay the scot, 
 
 Or else he’ll find for him this place too hot. 
 
 Judge. As I’m the chairman of this gathering here, 
 
 I can dismiss the court, ’tis very clear. 
 
 {Enter 333, l.) 
 
 Well, gevus, what’s the matter with you now? 
 
 You look excited, — symptoms of a row? 
 
 333. Outside the door I met a little chap 
 Who’s anxious in our courts to have a rap, 
 
THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 207 
 
 Will spout for both the Gentile and the Jew ; 
 
 And after that, no doubt, he’ll spout for you. 
 
 Judge . Admit the fee ble youth who seeks a fee ; 
 
 Just trot him out till we his paces see. 
 
 (Exit 333, l.) 
 
 (The Jew draws from his pocket a razor-strop , and seat t 
 himself on the valise ; commences sharpening his shears .) 
 Bass. ( Grossing to his r.) Why dost thou grit thj 
 teeth, and roll thine eye ? 
 
 Shy. Because this strop is so infernal dry. 
 
 Bass . Will nothing move you, you infernal Jew? 
 
 Shy. Not as I knows on ; nothing said by you. 
 
 Bass Oh, be thou hanged ! thou mischievous old man ; 
 Sell out your shop ; skedaddle, if you can, 
 
 To some lone spot, where office-seekers roam 
 When they find out there is no place at home ; 
 
 Where wolves turn flip-flaps, elephants climb trees, 
 Gorillas polk, and organ-monkeys sneeze. 
 
 The place for you is there, you darned old hunks ! 
 
 Where you can’t get at other people’s trunks. 
 
 Shy (producing bond , and pointing to seals). 
 
 Till thou canst split more rails than Uncle Abe, 
 
 Thou railest in vain, my gentle, smiling babe. 
 
 Repair your wit, put on your mouth a stopper : 
 
 I’ll have my bond ; so put that in your hopper. 
 
 Judge. Here comes the stranger that’s to set us right, — 
 A Bloomer ! goodness gracious, what a sight ! 
 
 (Enter Portia , l.) 
 
 Come you fiom old Bellario, stranger fair? 
 
 Judged by your suit, you some sort of belle are. 
 
 Portia. Faith, judge, ’tis joking now your honor is : 
 No matter who I am, attend to biz. 
 
208 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 Judge . I’m glad to see you, like your manners well* 
 Which minds me of a joke I’d like to tell. 
 
 All. {Groan.) Oh! 
 
 Judge. No matter now, it’s painful to some folks 
 To hear my stories ; so we’ll have no jokes. 
 
 Portia. Which is the harpy Jew, and which the peddler? 
 Shy. I am no Jewsharp , you facetious meddler ! 
 Portia. So your name’s Shylock, eh ! you bird of evil ? 
 Shy. Shylock’s my name ; but can’t you, pray, be 
 civil? 
 
 Portia. Silence, ye thief! and let me have my say. 
 
 Ye have a queer suit here, now, any way : 
 
 But yet your right ; for, if he owes you money, 
 
 You’ll get your buttons sure, my precious honey. 
 
 You took the bobtail, Mr. What’s-yer-name, I think? 
 Ant. I did ; but can’t just now put down the chink. 
 Portia. Then must the Jew give credit ; that is flat. 
 Shy. By what convidsion must I ? tell me that. 
 Portia. The quantity of credit is not bounded ; 
 
 That is, where on a specie base ’tis founded. 
 
 But specie’s out of question ; so, of course, - 
 Credit comes next, or greenbacks, which are worse. 
 
 The postage currency might do, ’tis plain ; 
 
 But they won’t pass : so there you’re off again. 
 
 But credit is above all this confusion, 
 
 ’Tis something that is sought for in profusion. 
 
 ’Gainst men who want for clothes ne’er close the door ; 
 Because they have no money call them poor : 
 
 ’Twill never do, it would far meaner be 
 Than ridiculing Seward’s famed cold tea. 
 
 All ask for credit ; and that same asking 
 
 Sho lid get it from where business-men are basking. 
 
THE PEDDLEIt OF VERY NICE. 
 
 209 
 
 Fve said this much upon this great occasion 
 To seek to move your heart by moral suasion ; 
 
 If you are stubborn, , tis fit for me to say 
 The bond is for fit, and give you your pay. 
 
 Shy . Oh, hang your spouting ! there’s enough of that. 
 Antonio spouted once, the silly flat, 
 
 And left his Sunday coat with me the pawner 
 Who keep at number one around the corner. 
 
 The deed is forfeit ; and I claim my due, — 
 
 A dozen buttons, and brass buttons too. 
 
 Portia . Can’t some of you patch up and raise the cash ? 
 Bass. Yes : here’s enough to settle twice the hash ; 
 
 If that won’t do, I’ll sell my horse and chaise, 
 
 And by that means another hundred raise ; 
 
 If all this fails, ’tis very plain to see 
 This jewel here the prey of Jewell be. 
 
 My gallant Bloomer, do the handsome thing, 
 
 And rob this daddy longlegs of his sting. 
 
 Portia. It must not be ; there is no higher law 
 To come in here, where men can pick a flaw : 
 
 ’T would be caught up by all reporters here, 
 
 And in the Boston Dailies quick appear. 
 
 Shy. A Daniel come to judgment ! — yea, a Daniel 
 Pratt ; 
 
 0 wise young Bloomer ! you may take my hat. 
 
 Portia. I pray you let me look upon the bond. 
 
 Shy. ( Giving paper.) Here ’tis : I’ve got him fast, 
 or else I’m corned. 
 
 Portia. Why this is a bill for pork : I don’t want that. 
 Shy. ( Giving another paper .) Quite a mistake : I have 
 
 it in my hat. 
 
 14 
 
210 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERT NICE. 
 
 Pcrtia. This is a milkman’s score ; hast any more ? 
 Shy. No : that is what I use, my pork to score. 
 
 ( Gives Portia the bond.) 
 
 Portia. Shylock, the sum that’s offered large is quite. 
 Shy. I know ; but still don’t see it in that light. 
 
 I swore like blazes, though I hadn’t oughter, 
 
 To have those buttons there, and nothing shorter. 
 
 Portia. This paper is all right, the buttons due 
 At sight ; not even three days’ grace for you. (To Ant.) 
 (To Shy.) Take now your stamps, and throw this in 
 the fire. 
 
 Shy. Not till ’tis paid ; for paper-rags are higher. 
 
 It doth appear, that, in this pillared place, 
 
 You hold more law than any joillar-cdise. 
 
 You know which way the cat jumps, I have found ; 
 
 So, lawyer , you must still yer law expound. 
 
 There are not tongues nor sounds enough in Quincy Hall 
 To make me lose one button of them all. 
 
 Ant. I pray you let the Jew no longer scoff ; 
 
 But let him cut his button : I’ll cut off. 
 
 Portia. Well, then, here goes ! Oh, how I hate to do it ! 
 I fear the buttons on your coat will rue it. 
 
 Shy. O noble judge ! a second Mickey Lynch ! 
 
 Bass. Stand firm, Antonio ; prythee, do not flinch. 
 Portia. You must prepare your coat there for his 
 shears. 
 
 Ant. Don’t blow your nose, Bassanio ; dry your tears. 
 Portia. From off your breast I give the Jew his due. 
 Shy. Ay ; and his coat-tails, too, must give me two ! 
 So reads the bond, as black as ink can make it. 
 
 Portia ? It’s black enough whichever way you take it. 
 
THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 211 
 
 Have you a clerk to count the buttons true? 
 
 Shy . Some one to count? why, yes : I count on you. 
 Portia . Have by some seamstress, Shylock, on your 
 charge ; 
 
 If you should chance to cut the holes too large — 
 
 Shy . (. Examining the bond .) Is any seamstress in 
 the bond set down ? 
 i cannot see it : mine are out of town. 
 
 Portia . Well, peddler, have you any thing to say? 
 Ant. No, judge. It haps I made my will to-day, 
 Settled affairs, and then insured my life. 
 
 Bassanio, when , tis done, go tell my wife ; 
 
 And, as you go, please drop this umbarella 
 Just round the corner, in the oyster-cellar. 
 
 Shy. A wise proceeding for your reign is o’er. 
 
 Bass. Dry up, old Shylock ! you’re a thundering bore. 
 Shy. Come, come ! it’s getting late, ’tis after nine ; 
 Rip out your sentence, and I’ll home and dine. 
 
 Portia. A dozen buttons from his coat to strip : 
 
 That is the letter ; so, Jew, let her rip. 
 
 ■Shy. O righteous Bloomer ! — 
 
 Portia. Shylock, stop your jaw ! 
 
 Is this the way you tamper with the law ? 
 
 Shy. Law, no ! I only meant a little flattery. 
 Portia. I’ll have you hauled up for assault and bat- 
 tery. 
 
 The court awards your buttons ; so, pray take them. 
 Shy. Most bumptious jurisprudence, see me rake ’em. 
 ( Starts cowards Antonio with shears extended , Portia 
 Intercepts him with her parasol.} 
 
 Portia. Tarry a little, aged Israelite ; 
 
 There’s something else : be not so anxious quite. 
 
 u. o,- ill ue. 
 
212 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 The law doth give thee here no jot of thread. 
 
 All. Ha ! ( General movement. Bassanio a id An* 
 
 tonio embrace , upsetting Antonio’s board. Siiylock 
 tears his hair out by the handful ; the Judge jumps up ; 
 333 rings his bell ; and the Clerk whistles Yankee Doodle .) 
 
 Portia. Nary a thread, if here I’ve rightly read : 
 Take, then, thy bond, and take thy buttons too ; 
 
 But, in the getting them, be careful you ; 
 
 For, if you cut the thread that holds them on, 
 
 You’ll get cut up with all your buttons gone. 
 
 Bass. O downright judge ! mark, Jew, a perfect trump. 
 Shy. ( Tearing his hair.) I never dreamed that way 
 the cat would jump. 
 
 L think I’ll take the stamps, and let him go. 
 
 Bass. Here are your stamps, pray take them, and 
 now — 
 
 Portia. Whoa ! 
 
 The Jew can’t have them ; nothing but his due. 
 
 Bass. A second Daniel Pratt, you said, my Jew. 
 Portia. Come, take your buttons ; but look out, d’ye 
 hear? 
 
 Shy. To take them without cutting’s nonsense shear. 
 Bass. Too sharp for you, my friend, he is by far. 
 Now, Jew, we have thee on the hip, hip, hip — 
 
 All. Hurrah. 
 
 Portia. Why do you pause? is not the matter plain? 
 Shy. I came to cut : I’ll cut, and come again. 
 
 (Going, L.) 
 
 Portia. One moment, Shylock ; not so fast, I pray : 
 We’ve yet another bill for you to pay. 
 
 Fhe law doth say, that every bond that’s made 
 Must on its- face a reyeaue-stamp parade. 
 
THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 213 
 
 Now, on your bond there is no fifty stamp : 
 
 Into the County Jail you’ll have to tramp. 
 
 Judge . ( Putting on a long white nightcap . ) 
 
 Hold on here ! ere you haggle any more, 
 
 Just give me leave to flourish now my oar. 
 
 There’s too much time been taken on this case. 
 
 Shylock, hold up your head, and show your face : 
 
 Your goods are forfeit ; money and old clothes 
 As rightful fee unto the Bloomer goes. 
 
 Antonio, you go home and soak your feet, 
 
 Take catnip-tea, and don’t this joke repeat. 
 
 The case is settled, and for bed I’m bent. 
 
 What say you, Jew ; are you at all content? 
 
 Shy . Taken my money, and my old clo* too ; 
 
 Taken my house, — well, here’s a precious stew. 
 They’ve blocked my game, and seized upon my props : 
 What’s to be done? I know ; just here I pops. ( KneeU 
 to Portia.) 
 
 Portia, my jewel, you have all my goods, — 
 
 Old boots, old coats, old stockings, hat, and hoods : 
 
 Now, pray take me (I’m oldest of them all) ; 
 
 I’ll be your slave, and grovel at your call. 
 
 I long have loved you — fifteen minutes most : 
 
 Come to my kitchen now, and rule the roast. 
 
 I’m only eighty-five : ’tis better far 
 To be an old man’s darling — 
 
 Portia . Ask my pa. 
 
 Shylock, I’ll take you ; for, to tell the truth, 
 
 I can’t do better now I’m. past my youth. 
 
 I’ve turned so many corners, I’m afraid, 
 
 If I don’t have you, I’m a fixed old maid. j d 
 
2H 
 
 THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE. 
 
 Shy . Delicious Bloomer, name the happy day * 
 
 Bass . Hold on a moment, Fve a word to gay. 
 
 That maid’s my wife, or ought to be, I’ll swear. 
 
 Portia. Well ; you are saucy, sir, I do declare. 
 
 Shy. How do you make it, I should like to know. 
 Bass. Why, William Shakspeare says it should be so. 
 Shy. Shakspeare. Don’t know the man ; pray who 
 is he? 
 
 Bass. The author of this play ; or ought to be. 
 
 Shy. The author of this play ; that’s quite romantic : 
 There’s no such man writes for u The Atlantic.” 
 
 So hold your gab while Portia names the day, 
 
 Ah ! not before these people ( pointing to audience ) now, 
 I pray. 
 
 W e’ll make it public when the deed is done. 
 
 Judge, at our dinner, hope that you’ll make one. 
 
 Judge. Certainly, this reminds me of a story. 
 
 Shy. We’ll have it at the dinner then, old glory. 
 
 [ have a word to say to those that wait ; 
 
 And now I’ll say it, for ’tis getting late. 
 
 (To audience .) 
 
 When for my due-bill I was striving here, 
 
 Bachelors’ buttons then I claimed, ’tis clear. 
 
 As I’m to be a married man, ’tis plain 
 For these same buttons I can’t come again. 
 
 I will reform, no longer villain be ; 
 
 So, if I tried to cut, pray don’t cut me ; 
 
 Smile on our play, and all our trouble’s o’er : 
 
 'Tis the original, ne’er played before. 
 
 DISPOSITION OF CHARACTERS AT END. 
 
 R, Clerk , Judge r Shy , Portia , Ant. Bass. 333, h 
 
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 AN ENTERTAINMENT OF “AULD LANG SYNE.” 
 
 By LAURA M. PARSONS. 
 
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 circumstances and necessities of each performance. Costumes, old-fashioned ; scenery, 
 according to taste or ability. This entertainment consists of Dances, characteristic Ta- 
 bleaux, Songs, and Drills, the whole accompanied by a Descriptive Reading. Amongthe 
 features introduced are “ The Minuet,” “ An Old Folks’ Concert,” “ The Mother Goose 
 Drill ” (new), “The Virginia Reel,” and “A Huskin’ Bee.” This entertainment is well 
 suited to the use of Churches and Lyceums, and is sure to be popular. 
 
 Price 25 Cents. 
 
 A NEW COMEDY. 
 
 NANCE OLDFIELD. 
 
 A COMEDY IN ONE ACT. 
 
 ADAPTED FROM CHARLES READERS TALE , “ART” 
 
 Three male and two female characters. Scene, an interior; costumes of the last 
 century This piece provides, in the character of its heroine, a part of broad and varied 
 opportunity, well suited for the display of dramatic talents of the highest order. It has 
 deserved and well repaid the attention of Ellen Terry and other eminent artists, and is 
 recommended not only as a strong acting play, but as an admirable exercise for students 
 of dramatic art. The supporting parts are all good, that of Nathan Oldworthy (old man) 
 especially so. 
 
 Price, 
 
 15 Cents. 
 
A NEW DRAMA. 
 
 A FISHERMAN’S LUCK. 
 
 A COMEDY DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS. 
 
 By W. P. GETCHELL. 
 
 Six male and four female characters. Scenery, chiefly interiors; very easy. Cim 
 quick change from interior to exterior of a lighthouse may be made elaborate if desired 
 This is a stirring drama of modern life and character. The scene is laid on the coast ol 
 Maine, and the characters are rustic and nautical. The fortunes of Tom Manly a’.ci 
 Rose Prescott will command the warmest sympathy; and Uncle Davie and the stage- 
 struck Silas will evoke an easy laugh. In professional hands this piece has been a big 
 success. 
 
 Price 35 Cents. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 ACT I. — Tom Manly' s H owe on the Coast of Maine. “Home Sweet Home.” A 
 Villain’s Scheme. Father and Son. “For the Land’s Sake, who’s that Man Bringin’ 
 Here?” Rose Prescott’s Return. A Stage-struck Rustic. “ I ‘ dough * know.” “Ah, 
 Mother, Home Again ! ” Tom’s Surprise. Hammond’s Vow. “ She Shall be Mine! ” 
 The Lottery Ticket. Uncle Davie Tells His Story. Si in a Box. A Fisherman’s Lo\ e. 
 “ Darn it, it’s Something You’ve Got to Get Used to ! ” A Villain’s Proposal. The Old 
 Home Threatened. The Lucky Number. “There Stands the Criminal; I Bought that 
 Ticket of Him.” 
 
 ACT II. — Scene i. Interior of High Point Lighthouse. Si and Ruth at Love- 
 making. Uncle Davie Interrupts. Tom’s Fortune. Too Late to Save the Old Home. 
 A Wild Night. Nellie’s Appeal. “Don’t Go, Tom!” The Plot Thickens. The 
 Robbery. Scene 2. Exterior of Lighthouse. Into the Waves. “My God, it’s 
 Nellie ! ” Saved ! 
 
 ACT III. — Scene i. Hammond's Home. The Forged Letter. James Renews 
 his Proposal. “I’d Rather Die than Marry You ! ” Scene 2. Tom's Home i?i Boston 
 James’s Visit. A Message of Love. Si’s Letter. Ruth indignant. “ Si, Come Right 
 Here to Your Mother ” Scene 3. A Child's Vision. Death of Little Nellie. “O 
 God, Thy Will be Done ! ” 
 
 ACT IV. — Rose's Home in Maine. Tom’s Disclosure. Uncle Davie’s Joy. 
 “There’s Something Wrong Here.” Marriage Bells. The Accusation. “My G< d. 
 the Fool has Found Me Out ! ” “ Hug Him, Ruth, He Deserves It.” A Wedding In- 
 
 terrupted. “ That Girl is my Daughter ! ” A Villain Foiled. “ We’re going to have a 
 Wedding here yet! " A Fisherman’s Luck. , 
 
 AN UNEXPECTED LEGACY. 
 
 A COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT. 
 
 By EGBERT W. FOWLER. 
 
 One male and two female characters. Scenery and costumes very easy. A 
 amusing misunderstanding between two old sweethearts, ending very happily. Ver 
 crisp and bright. 
 
 Price. 
 
 15 Cents. 
 
A NEW DRAMA 
 
 A PENNSYLVANIA KID; 
 
 OR, 
 
 A SOLDIER’S SWEETHEART. 
 
 A COMEDY DRAMA IN WOTTR ACTS. 
 
 By FREDERIC W. TAYLOR. 
 
 Eight male and four female characters. Costumes, modern and military; scenery 
 easy exteriors and plain rooms. This is an excellent piece for a bright soubrette, full of 
 opportunities both for dramatic action and for specialties. The heroic element is very 
 strong, and its story, turning upon a striking deed of self-sacrifice, very sympathetic. 
 The comedy element is good and strong, the parts of Judge Sloyer, Joe Botts, Jason 
 Olds, and Duffy Whitecar, as well as Ray, the heroine, giving good humorous oppor- 
 tunity. This piece is easily put on, and acts briskly and well. It has enough relation to 
 the war to be available for patriotic purposes, but it does not smell of powder. 
 
 Price 15 Cents. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — The White Horse Inn. Love and patriotism. Sanders and the Judge. 
 A dark scheme. A bright “ Ray.” “ I never see you, Sanders, but I think of hogs.” 
 The Judge in a liquor case. Ray and Jack. A winner and a wooer. “ Unless you 
 hide in'the grave, you shall one day be my wife.” Duffy and the gun. Defiance. 
 
 Act II, — The tavern again. An unwilling patriot. Making a cat’s-paw. Ray and 
 the Quaker. The mermaid. Sanders loss. “ If you cannot return my money give 
 me its equivalent.” The hog-dealer’s proposal. Ray’s answer. A startling sequel. 
 At Bay. 
 
 Act III. — Jack’s dilemma. “My country needs me and I must go.” Judge 
 Sloyer’s substitute. A dead man by proxy. Marching orders. Ray’s squad at drill. 
 Farewells. The accusation. Duffy a thief. Ray to the rescue. “ He didn’t take the 
 money— ’twas I!” Wedding ring or prison fetters. Jack’s a T owal and its conse- 
 quences. The arrest. The web broken. “ Come, Jack, fall in.” Rescued. 
 
 Tableau. -‘-The field of Gettysburg after the battle. Joe’s death and Jack’s vin- 
 dication. A Free Man. 
 
 Act IV, — Ray’s marriage. A good cry. “ I do not love the man I have married, 
 and all his gold cannot buy me happiness.” The Judge’s private signal. A coward by 
 vicar. Sanders’s other wife. “ Have you risen from the dead in California to raise 
 the devil in Pennsylvania?” Another plot. Polly’s hand in it. Duffy’s long pants. 
 Jacks’ return. Light on many dark subjects. The marriage certificate. Free! San- 
 ders’s arrest. “The War is Ended.” 
 
 FACI NQ THE MUSIC. 
 
 A COMEDIETTA I jST OJ^E ACT. 
 
 By HENRY OLDHAM HANLON. 
 
 . Three male and one female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, an easy in- 
 terior. This is a clever little play, sprightly in action, humorous in treatment, and 
 original in idea. The Bohemian housekeeping of Tom Akenside and Walter Harding 
 form an amusing background for a very ingenious series of complications. 
 
 Price 15 Cents. 
 
WOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY. 
 
 JULIUS C/ESAR. 
 
 CONDENSED INTO TWO ACTS, AND ARRANGED FOR 
 MALE CHARACTERS ONLY. 
 
 By LESLIE WARREN. 
 
 FROM THE WELL KNOWN SHAKESPEAREAN PLAY. 
 
 Ten male characters. Costumes, Roman ; scene, the Forum, the same for both acts. 
 This ingenious simplification of this popular play is expressly made for amateur perform- 
 ance in schools and colleges. The plot and action of the original are carefully preserved, 
 and all the celebrated declamatory passages and familiar scenes, but all the stage difficuL 
 ties are eliminated, so that it can be presented without trouble or expense. 
 
 Price 15 Cents. 
 
 SHAKESPEARE FOR AMATEURS. 
 
 MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 
 
 CONDENSED INTO TWO ACTS FROM SHAKESPEARE’S 
 COMEDY FOR AMATEUR PERFORMANCE. 
 
 By LESLIE WARREN. 
 
 Eight male and three female characters. Scene, a single easy exterior, the same for 
 both acts. This version is expressly designed to bring this most brilliant and amusing of 
 the Shakespearian comedies within the powers and capacities of amateur players. The 
 delightful dialogue and sprightly action of the play are presented, unencumbered by 
 objectionable incidents and passages, or mechanical stage difficulties. 
 
 Price. 
 
 15 Cents, 
 
BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE COUNTRY SCHOOL.” 
 
 THE DONATION PARTY; 
 
 . . CR . . . 
 
 THANKSGIVING EVE AT THE PARSONAGE. 
 
 A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS. 
 
 By MARTHA RUSSELL ORNE, 
 
 AUTHOR OF “ THE COUNTRY SCHOOL,” “ A LIMB o’ THE LAW,” “A BLACK 
 DIAMOND,” ETC. 
 
 Thirteen male and nine female characters, many of them unimportant. Costumes rus- 
 ic; scenery very easy. This is a comedy of character and incident, the plot being wholly 
 subordinate and unimportant. As a picture of country life and character it is very faithful 
 md humorous, and is sure to arouse sympathy and evoke many a laugh. Aunt Jerushy 
 {old maid), Marm Brown (eccentric), Squire Applebee, Bro. Smith, and Old Peters 
 ^’character), «md Pete and Phoebe (colored), are sure to be favorites. 
 
 Price 15 Cents. 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF “PROF. BAXTER’S INVENTION.” 
 
 A Singing School of ye Olden Time. 
 
 AN OLD FOLKS’ ENTERTAINMENT IN ONE SCENE. 
 
 By flARY BARNARD HORNE, 
 
 AUTHOR OF “ THE GREAT MORAL DIME SHOW,” “ THE BOOK OF DRILLS,” 
 
 “ PLANTATION BITTERS,” ETC. 
 
 For any number of characters, male and female, old or young. (l Dame Plunkett's 
 Singing School,” as it has also been called, is musical entertainment in the same 
 vein as the popular “ Country School.” is a faithful and humorous picture of the old- 
 time institution which it celebrates, and, in the hands of people who love the old tunes 
 and learned to sing them in the old way, is bound to be an immense success. Adapted 
 to either stage or platform; scenery, unimportant; costumes, old-fashioned. Full of 
 funny incident and bright lines. 
 
 Price. 
 
 35 Cents, 
 
PRESS OF 
 
 S. J. PARKHILL & Co.j 
 
 K 
 
 218-226 FRANKLIN STREET 
 
 BOSTON, U.S. A. 
 
 HEADQUARTERS 
 
 Par an kinds of Printing for Amateur Theatricals 
 
 BOOKS 
 
 PLAYS 
 
 PROGRAMS 
 
 CIRCULARS 
 
 TICKETS 
 
 EVERYTHING that can be printed 
 
 With FACILITIES UNSURPASSED, we solicit your patronage 
 Call and see us or write us concerning your printing 
 We print all the W. H. BAKER & Co. PLAYS, *c. 
 
B AKER’S SELECTED LIST 
 
 OF JUVENILE OPERETTAS 
 
 Designed especially for Church, School, and other Amateur Organ - 
 \ izations . Complete, with all the music and full directions for 
 
 | performance. 
 
 j frandpa’s Birthday. In One Act. Words by Dexter Smith; 
 v music by C. A* White. For oue adult (male or female) and three 
 r f children; chorus, if desired. Price, 25 Cents. 
 
 ) Timmy, The Newsboy. In One Act. Written and composed by 
 W. C. Parker. For one adult (male), and one boy. No chorus. 
 Very easy and tuneful. Price, 25 Cents. 
 
 The Four-leafed Clover. In Three Acts. By Mary B. Horne. 
 For children of from six to fifteen years. Seven boys, seven girls, 
 and chorus. Very picturesque. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 Beans and Buttons. In One Act. Words by Wm. H. Lepere; 
 music by Alfred G. Robyn. Two male and two female characters ; 
 no chorus. Very comical and easy. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 Hunt the Thimble. In One Act. Words by A. G. Lewis; music by 
 Leo R. Lewis. Two male, two female characters and small chorus. 
 Simple and pretty. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 Red Riding Hood's Rescue. In Four Scenes. Words by J. E. 
 Estabrook; music by J. Astor Broad. Three male, four female 
 characters and chorus. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 Golden Hair and the Three Bears. In Five Scenes. By J. Astor 
 Broad. Three adults (2 m., 1 f.), eight children and chorus. Music 
 is easy, graceful, and pleasing. Price, 75 Cents. 
 
 R. E. Porter ; or, The Interviewer and the Fairies. In Three 
 Acts. Words by A. G. Lewis; music by Leo R. Lewis. Six male, 
 six female characters, and chorus. Very picturesque and pretty. 
 
 Price, 75 Cents. 
 
 Gyp, Junior. In Two Acts. Words by Earl Marble; music by 
 D. F. Hodges. Two males, one female (adult), three children and 
 chorus. Very successful and easily produced. Price, 75 Cents. 
 
 Alvin Gray; or, The Sailor’s Return. In Three Acts. Written 
 and composed by C. A. White. Ten characters, including chorus; 
 can be made more effective by employing a larger number. 
 
 Price, 75 Cents. 
 
 Catalogues describing the above and other popular entertain- 
 ments sent free on application to 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 
 
 THEATRICAL PUBLISHERS, 
 
 No. 23 Winter Street, - Boston, Mass. 
 
NEW OPE RETTAS FOR CHILDREN. 
 
 Odd Operas for Eventidl' 
 
 A Collection of Short and Simple Musical Entertainments for Children. 
 
 By Mrs. C. N. BORDMAN, 
 
 Author of “The Kingdom of Mother Goose,” “Motion Songs For the SchooiI 
 Room,” “ The Temperance Clarion,” etc. 
 
 Complete with all tlie music and full instructions for performance. This collection ? 
 strongly recommended for its simplicity, originality of idea, tunefulness and perfect prac 
 ticability. 
 
 Price 50 cents. 
 
 A GLIMPSE OF THE BROWNIES. A Musical Sketch for Chil 
 dren. For any number of boys. 
 
 JIMMY CROW. A Recitation for a Little Girl. 
 
 MARKET DAY. An Operetta for Young People. Seven speaking parts 
 and chorus. 
 
 QUEEN FLORA’S DAY DREAM. An Operetta for Children. Six 
 
 speaking parts and chorus. 
 
 THE BOATING PARTY. A Musical Sketch for Little Children. Thirty 
 boys and girls. . t- 
 
 SIX LITTLE GRANDMAS. A Musical Pantomime for very Little 
 Children. Six very little girls; ^ Y t 
 
 A HOUSE IN THE MOON. A Recitation for a Little Girl. 
 
 ROBIN’S SPECIFIC; 
 
 OR, THE CHANGES OF A NIGHT. 
 
 A Christmas Operetta in One Acte. 
 
 Words by 
 
 AMELIA SANFORD. 
 
 Music by 
 
 ADAM CIEBEL. 
 
 For one adult and nine children from eight to sixteen years old, with eight very little boys 
 and twelve little girls for Chorus. Three changes of scene, very easily arranged, costumes 
 varied but simple and readily procured. Very effective and easily gotten up. 
 
 Price 25 cents. 
 
 Catalogues describing the above and other popular entertainments sent free on application t* 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 
 
 THEATRICAL PUBLISHERS, 
 
 No. 23 Winter Street. - - BOSTON, MASS. 
 
 3. J. PARKH ILL & CO., PRINTERS. 222 FRANKLIN ST- BOSTON,