LIBRA HY OF THE U N I VLR5ITY OF I LLI NOIS L\44 i on. J THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. VELUTI IN SPECULU M. IN THREE VOLUMES VOL. I. EDINBURGH: PRINTED FOR CONSTABLE & CO. AND HURST, CHANCE & CO. LONDON. 1828. Printed by Walker ft Greig, Edinburgh, l_i44 v. 1 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. co c\j CHAPTER I. O f—^ Haec, Auguste, tamen, quae vertice sidera pulsat, Par domus est coelo ; sed minor est domine. Martiat. " Arrived at Fife-kail, Fifeshire, Mrs Fife." — " Very swift intelligence, indeed," continued Colonel Brown, laying down the paper, " when we know that the lady has been safe in her own home for the last fifteen days at least.'* " Yes, papa. But you know it would not i have done to have had her arrival so very soon announced. We ladies have got a great deal VOL. I. A THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. to do before we can conveniently appear to any one, you must understand." " Of that, my dear," returned Colonel Brown, rather briskly resuming the newspaper, " I must certainly be perfectly aware, especially since it forms so principal a part in the system of all female perfections. But what, after all, is to be done with that curious body, Mrs Fife ? Had we not better pay our visit at the Hall to- morrow, and get rid of our necessity at once ?" " The weather favours, too," said Miss Brown ; and she rose to adjourn to the music- room, to observe Mr Squeake simper and prelude upon the piano-forte; who suspected that to be the surest, as well as the easiest method, of securing both the young lady's money and her good opinion. For this young lady was one of the many young ladies who must provide to themselves every possible ad- vantage of education, without possessing either the taste, genius, or even the inclination to improve it. " I am so sorry, Mr Squeake," she began : " but it will be impossible for me to take mv THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 3 lesson to-morrow morning, as I shall be engaged with papa at Fife-hall. You know Mrs Fife?" " Mrs Fife of Fife-hall?" squeaked in reply Mr Squeake. The young lady nodded. " O, perfectly, perfectly ! She liked my quad- rilles very much indeed." (Immense emphasis on the word indeed). " She has got other nine sets since that, Mr Squeake,'* observed the young lady this time rather demurely. " Ah ! — Really ? — Well ! But she is returned to Fife-hall, is she ?" " Yes; we have just seen it mentioned in the newspaper ; and papa intends taking me there, as I told you, to-morrow morning." " Ah ! Why, I daresay I shall be obliged to call there myself to-morrow morning." " Have you got that piece, Mr Squeake, that was played by Cramer at his last concert ?" said the young lady, politely declining to per- ceive the hint that was, we cannot say exactly, couched in the word obliged. For she had no idea of carrying her music-master with her in a 4 THE I.AIKDS OF FIFE. close carriage : — A mode of conveyance, by the way, which she generally inclined to keep all to herself. " Cramer ? — Cramer ? — Did you say Cra- mer? Oh ! he's a great man, Cramer. Shall I give you one of his Studios?" " Pray do. Number thirty-two — it has such a sweet air in it." " Well, I like the first best," observed Mr Squeake, simpering; "and don't you like the twenty-third and twenty-sixth ?" he ventured to add. " Play the first over again," said Miss Brown quietly. " Ah, very fine !" 11 Shall I give it you as your lesson to-day, Ma'amselle?" inquired Mr Squeake. 11 To-day ! Mr Squeake ! why my hour is come." For the hour of emancipation was the one to which she was generally accustomed to allude. " O, dear! I hope not;" simpered Mr Squeake; and his silly smile sufficed to fill up the remainder of the compliment. M Why, I don't know," cried the young lady, THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. — for Miss Brown, though pretty general, and even reserved, in her address, had still a habit of occasionally, and by chance, as it were, let- ting out the truth — " how soon I may die. I am now two-and-twenty, and" " Two-and-twenty ! ! !" interrupted Mr Squeake ; " two-and-fifty you mean, Ma'am ?" and Mr Squeake simpered once more at his own dexterous incredulity. " No* just two-and-twenty," retorted the young lady with Jierte. The young lady, however, had pursued a policy in this declaration much deeper than could have been, rationally speaking, expected. She was sick of Mr Squeake ; and, as she had it in her mind to make her father dismiss him on the score of non-improvement, she was desirous, at this moment, of placing her age in such a point of view as was most likely to pre- vent the usual recurrence to such arguments as, " mere child" — " extremely young," — begin- ning with, " only consider, sir" — and other namby-pamby palliative palaverations on the part of her instructor. She hesitated, never- 6 THE LAIRDS OF FIVE. theless, at all times to make herself really older than what she was ; but still anxious to M keep up," she had inadvertently struck upon the truth. Miss Brown, however, was not by any means tired of being accomplished. She was preparing to resume the harp, and although her new in- structor could not expect to meet her before the 13th of December next, that was not enough to prevent her becoming cool upon her at any rate mawkish exertions on the piano-forte. 11 And then it was at all times so much more graceful to sing to the harp ;" — a sort of satis- faction that was to be the more increased by the opportunity so given of being a witness to her own admiration ; — in other words, to be able to observe the observers, between whom the piano- forte had proved rather a backward, and at other times rather a forward, means of intervention. At this period, then, Mr Squeake rose. He augured something not quite so accommodat- ing as usual in the looks of his pupil ; and he saw it was necessary to put a stop to his own private means of beguiling time. THE LAIRDS OF FIFEi 7 On his way, then, from the music-room, Mr Squeake was again entertained with the contents of the celebrated paragraph, and which Colonel Brown happened to be again reciting for the better information of some odd stray glove, who had just called in search of that and similar communications, — " Arrived at Fife-hall, Fife- shire, Mrs Fife?"* Now, of all the oddest of oddities was this same Mrs Fife. This lady had had a fever for the short period of six-and-forty years, and which, during all that while, no dexterity of management, and no experience of skill, had been ever able to stifle or eradicate. Sometimes, indeed, her physicians complained of " an over sanguineness of tem- perament," " nervous irascibility," " suscepti- bility of change," " liability to external impres- sions," &c. ; but the true cause of her irrepar- able distemper was to be found under a sole and single denomination, viz. an ardent, inexhausti- ble, and insatiable curiosity. She had not indeed improved like the rest of the human race, when, as walking babies, they 8 THE LAIRDS Ol FIFE. tear in pieces the toys that are given them, in just ratio of proportion, in compliment to their improving sagacity. On the contrary, Mrs Fife was still willing to rip up the repositories of Messieurs Babale and Bagatelle themselves, as well as to reopen all past works of infantine antiquity, rather than repose for an instant in her search for intelligence. This precocity, we might have said perfec- tion, in the faculty of inquiry, had been neither weakened nor depressed by the cares of life, of a family, or the necessity of taking upon herself some share of her husband's troubles and per- plexities. On the contrary, the multiplication and confusion of events had only served the purpose of an agreeable strengthening diet to a mind which was destined never to be at rest, and of an insatiablencss of disposition, the dis- eased cravings of which no fecundity could supply or content. Her husband had been dead for several yean. !Shc had no family, and what was more singular, she had no immediate kindled or relatives. But as with her has been already associated tin THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 9 highly popular and interesting nomens of Fifehall and Fifeshire, it may be as well to state the lady's own particular pretensions to a connexion with these firmas. Her defunct husband, then, was of a very old good family ; and what was still more eminently wonderful in his destiny, he was a lineal descen- dant. To complete matters, he had finished the descent. Fifehall, that rest- bed of his ancestry, though built upon the site, and partly with the materials of an old castle or chateau, had been but lately so circumvented and surrounded with debts, bonds, mortgages, and annuities, that unless it was that one single rocky unvegetating pro- montory, out of which nothing could be had, and out of which nothing could be made, there was not another rood of the baronies of Eppie and Fiddler left free to sustain their hitherto thoughtless inhabitants. Heaven, however, according to the vulgar adage, when it sends mouths sends meat. At the last gasp, and after the proprietors of the Hall had actually begun to accustom themselves 10 THE LAIRDS OF FIPEi to its loss by constantly residing at a distance, there arrived from once bounteous India the only surviving kinsman of Mrs Fife. This gentleman's adventures had been many, but as he had left his native country against his inclination, he had luckily never associated with his exile any ideas of a settled or permanent residence. He had set his mind too upon a long life, and this determination helped his imagina- tion in cherishing the fond hope of again re- turning to taste of pleasures in its bosom. The love of our country had need sometimes to carry in it a virtue of importance ; for in Mr M'Farlane's case, as with a great many others, it constituted the sole and only good ; since, in all other respects, that personage was eminently calculating and wary, and only condescended to esteem those who could in any way prove them- selves subservient to his interests. Returned home, and wallowing in la richesse, his joy was extreme when informed, that on account of the most inconceivable inert i(V on the part of his kinswoman's lord and master, Mr Fife, nothing definitive had yet been settled THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 11 with respect to the tottering remnants of the great Fifehall estate. The spectacle of an ancient and honourably connected family sinking under its own impor- tance, was the only signal that was wanted to excite the activity of such a man as M'Farlane. He set about making all the advantages which an immense command of money, and an expe- rienced designing head, can be supposed to ob- tain. He even sacrificed his time and peace to prolong his already finished harvest of cash- gathering, though he felt that he needed re- pose; but he sacrificed that, as well as the entire half of his whole realized fortune, to raise the oppressed and prostrate baronies of Eppie and Fiddler again from their chains. Though Mr M'Farlane had merely amused himself with knocking off a few fetters, com- monly called bonds, and had been led on to still farther acts of emancipation, feeling himself a party, as it were, in the newly awakened con- sequence of the Fife family, as it was called ; still, however, he ran a risk of becoming cnnuye, if, in defect of agricultural knowledge, he had 12 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. not resolved upon substituting a new and beau- tiful pavilion or palace, in place of the old wood- eaten pigeon-stormed cranny, whose once white- harled walls sufficed still to point out to the lands of Fife, and the gentle baronies of Fiddler and Eppie, the drooping standard of their own long obliterated but now returning consequence. Mr M'Farlane had concluded every thing, and had just set himself down, accompanied by a great many peculiar, and by no means very agreeable habits, to make his friends pay him back, in his own coin, for the great, and to them everlasting benefits which he had so boun- teously conferred upon them ; when, having caught cold while abroad on foot on a change of weather, he suffered his delighted kinsfolk to put on mourning for him on the tenth day, and the other portion of his fortune to be distri- buted amongst the rest of his connexions some little time after. The next person carried out of this new raised burying-placc was Mr Fife himself, and with his remains were dismissed the nest of state attendants, who had already proved themselves, together with the deceased THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. IS Laird and Nabob, by far the most troublesome of Mrs Fife's encumbrances, Still, however, Fife-hall was a grand place; and, as such, was now very frequently visited and admired by single gentlemen on a tour, and by parties of pleasure on a ramble. On such occasions, Mrs Fife's activity in the prosecution of her favourite passion surpassed, in inquisitiveness and research, the cleverest efforts of the most dexterous tourists ; and if any such general investigators ever gratified them- selves with a history of the old family seat, now so sumptuously restored, or fed their wan- dering fancy with details respecting the pedi- gree of the family itself, they never failed to deliver up, in recompense, a full and minute history of their own lives, families, avocations, and pursuits. In fact, many young persons had come and gone, and left all that they knew behind them, without having obtained any far- ther knowledge than the mere outside of a house, which the mistress, having too speedily obtained her ends, would by no means suffer them to enter or investigate. 14 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. Mrs Fife was in the habit of spending a winter offive months' duration every year in Edinburgh. But this practice was not at all incompatible with a peregrination to somewhere else; and she was just returned, after a four months' pounce upon the insignificant up-puts of Bath, Lon- don, Paris, Brussels, and Brighthelmstone. She had very cogent motives, however, for de- ferring the public announcement of her arrival at the Hall. It was the touring season. It was therefore proper for her to provide herself against the consequent defection of so many of her friends and neighbours (whom she knew to be a jaunting set) as were now upon their travels, and to oppose some other means of amusement to the monotony that was likely to succeed to her late season of bustle and activity. The same fair weather that should carry off her stale neighbours as a plague, would draw round her haunts a multitude of those wandering encyclo- paedias with whom the Hall was occasionally in- fested, and who were now the better encouraged to approach by the Macadamization of a certain cross road, of great shortening importance, in the THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 15 vicinity of the Fife-hall gates; and of whose motions, too, she could take so much the more account, under the dexterous and unsuspected surveillance of an incognita — not, as Miss Brown had been led ridiculously to suppose, out of res- pect to her somewhat disturbed wardrobe, and the mere simple reformation of her dress. For several weeks Mrs Fife's activity — for by that title we must sometimes name her ever restless spirit of curiosity — was pretty well em- ployed in secretly invading the history of those who, under no such apprehensions, ventured to intrude upon her territories ; and in returning the (as we have seen) intended visits of Colonel and Miss Brown, and a few others, not upon their expeditions. But these, and similar troubles, very soon came to an end. Rainy weather set in, — foreign and adventitious sources of enjoy- ment were exhausted, — ancient friends were again ensconced amidst the multitude of their own more immediate affairs, — and bounds were once more put to her much-loved sphere of enterprise and exertion. 16 THE LAIRDS OF PII I CHAPTER II. And as an owl that in a barn Sees the mouse creeping in the corn, Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes As if he slept, until he spies The little beast within his reach, Then starts arid seizes on the wretch. Anonymous. Mrs Fife was likely to become alarmingly bilious under the desperate restraints that were now, as has been mentioned, put upon her rage for inquiry, and had actually sent for some other body's physician, merely from finding herself at fault ; when one morning, the mist having cleared, and the sky looking fair, she espied a post-carriage advancing slowly, as if in admira- tion, upon the approach. This was a sure sign that none of her friends were in the way, and she flitted up to a la roc THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 17 high semicircular window, which was so far a deception, since it really was not what it appear- ed to represent, viz. a blank window, but which was entirely darkened by a black blind or screen, that did not object, however, on this, as on similar occasions, to suffer itself to be partially drawn aside, in order that its inventrix might the better watch, note, and observe all the mo- tions of the welcome invaders. From this high and exalted position, therefore, could Mrs Fife command the persons of a young lady and gentleman ; and, for the sake of convenience and propriety, as some carriages use a drag-chain, a fattish elderly woman, of a demure, and in all other respects unexplainable, aspect. Having taken these worthies into her mind's eye, Mrs Fife now descended to the interior, in order to attend them from the staircase, and from such other stations as opportunity or conve- nience might dictate. The party thus described had proceeded — chaperoned by a dour-looking housemaid ; for Mrs Fife had long since found out, that mere douce attendants, though very subservient to her VOL. I. B 18 THE LAIRDS OF Fill ■ purpose, were rather less so to her dignity, being in the practice of giving talk, when they expected, and sometimes demanded, to be paid in coin — through several apartments, uncon- sciously pursuing, all the while the shade and shadow of Mrs Fife herself, as she, half-peeping half-listening at every door and aperture, fled on tiptoe at their approach ; when, on arriving at a vast room, which onlv strangers were in the habit of suspecting that there was any use for — being, in fact, the one that Mr M'Farlane had fitted up for the exhibition of his Indian curio- sities, that after generations might know, while they admired the wondrous luxuries of the hall, from whence, and by whom, came the wealth — they were unexpectedly, and not very agreeably, intercepted by the following message, delivered by a footman in ordinary to the afore-mention- ed Mrs Fife. " Mrs Fife of Fife-hall's compliments, and begs to be informed to whom her servants have the honour of shewing the house." The persons to whom Mrs Fife's servants had the honour of shewing the house stared, THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 19 not being at all accustomed, very probably, . with the honours of such a reception. But as they had, previous to their arrival, been inform- ed that Mrs Fife of Fife- hall was rather cu- rious about visitors, — a term, by the bye, to which more than one meaning might very well be applied, — they gave up the names of " Mrs Dudd, Miss Kicklecackle, and Mr Hochytoch." This concession, however well granted, was not found nevertheless to suffice. The foot- man returned to beg to know — erratum^ " Mrs Fife begged to know — whether or not the par- ties, under question, were any relations of her friends, Messrs Hockdock and Company, the great Liverpool merchants ; or any kin to Mr Timothy Timber Cackle, the celebrated come- dian of theatre ?" The parties were not at all unwilling to ac- knowledge, that they had never heard of such persons ; and Miss Kicklecackle, who had been as yet rather cautious as to how she should de- mean herself in her new situation, now broke forth into one of her constitutional loud and long continued laughs : amused, though that was 20 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. not required, it would seem, by the oddity of her situation, and the singularity to her of the names she had just heard. They were leaving the house, now chased in their turn by the indefatigable Mrs Fife ; who sometimes hovered, agreeably to her plan of operations, so close upon the party's retreat, that when Miss Kicklecackle, like another Mr Pry, suddenly re-entered the last abandoned room for her parasol, she caught not only a glimpse, but a full-face view of a thin, little, active figure, tailed by a steeple-crowned cap, in the act of springing into an adjoining closet; — when the former messenger page reappeared, in order to prefer again Mrs Fife of Fife-hall's compli- ments, and to say that, as she felt satisfied she had had the pleasure of seeing some of the Dudd and the Cackle family somewhere or other be- fore, she could not think of allowing Mrs Dudd or her friends to go away, without first partak- ing of some little trifling refreshment. Mrs Dudd gaped, in the excess of her asto- nishment at being thus forcibly detained, as it were, in so honourable a place, while, like a THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 21 sound from the tomb, she sent forth one fearful and impressive " Oh ! ! ! " Mr Hochytoch, still more afraid of detention, prepared, deo volente, to walk out as he had walked in; and Miss Kicklecackle went off in another laugh, which surpassed the first in ratio as a mile to an inch ; thus intimating, by her extraordinary idiosyn- crasy of behaviour, the true loadstone of attrac- tion in Mrs Fife's (upon this occasion) uncom- mon personal perseverance in her pursuit. The footman, however, who knew from expe- rience all that was expected from him, had in the meantime gone after Mr Hochytoch, hav- ing first pushed the remainder of the party into an adjoining anti-room, in which, but not with any designs of comfort, hung a map of the county, and a tolerable accompanying drawing of the parish of Fiddler, with the seat of deten- tion in the centre. In this place the group of domestic punchin- ellos (Mr Hochytoch having been prevailed on to join) had remained about a quarter of an hour or ten minutes, Miss Kicklecackle giving the reins all the while to her incorrigible inch- • '2 C 2 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. nation to laugh, when they were re-shown en suite through a private gallery, and next through a pair of grand folding doors, now thrown widely open, into the evening and morning sitting-room of Mrs Fife; whom Miss Kicklecackle could barely recognize obscurely boxed up like a watchful ferret in a corner, and screened and protected by all the splendid and shining materiel of a very pompous refreshment table. " How do you do, Ma'am ? How do you do, Sir?" said Mrs Fife; whose preparations, had she herself been absent, would have borne no small resemblance to those of the lady in the closet in the Arabian Night's Entertainments. — " Willie !" exerting a little sharp, hard voice, and calling back a dwarf attendant of about four feet high; — "Willie, man, can't you stay and contrive to help the ladies to a seat ?" " I wish I had only your spirits, Miss," she added, turning quick upon Miss Kicklecackle, who, as she had now begun, was fully prepared to end. " But, perhaps," and she bestowed THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 23 another witch look upon the laughing fair, " you may have got something to divert you, that we, as our Margaret says, dinna just ken of." " A great deal !" screamed Miss Kickle- cackle ; and Miss Kicklecackle made a pounce in amongst the nabobian folds of a window- curtain, in order, as it appeared, that she might be free to prolong her exercise by herself. " It occurs to me as a wonder that she is not terrified," exclaimed Mrs Fife, now turning, with an air of recovered dignity, towards the more insignificant portion of her guests. But, sud- denly reflecting on the possible misfortune of scaring them away by any implied resentment on her part, she began to pour out some wine, and next to despatch her dwarf page with a sil- ver tray, containing an untouched, cold, roast turkey, fruits, and pastry. There was a trio table set upon castors, at the service of whoso- ever chose to acknowledge so gross an appetite as to eat, when not at dinner, animal food; and this machine having been edged in to relieve the page, while he stood attention before the swab persons of Mr Hochytoch and Mrs Dudd, 24- THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. the dindo?i was forthwith restored to the lar- ger board, dismembered — through the modest policy of the parties, we suppose — of both legs. Mrs Fife threw an elf- look upon her stump- less fowl, while she mechanically muttered to her- self, " I should have been mad to have let them away. These originals will outmatch Lord Fid- dlefaddle's eccentrics, as well as every other curiosity he ever saw in his life. — Delightful ! How did it happen that I should have been so very fortunate?" Miss Kicklecackle in the meanwhile kept alternately laughing and sobbing, with her back to the company ; and, in utter contempt of Mrs Fife's attempts to be hospitable, would taste- nothing. " Do you intend by laughing to grow fat, Miss?" Miss Kicklecackle was fat. The Miss began another chorus, which burst all restraint as it approached the end. Mrs Fife looked, — apprehensive, perhaps, of the end of the world. « He ! he ! he ! he ! he ! ha ! ha !— ha ! ha !!!" repeated the Miss. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 25 " He ! he ! he ! he ! he !"— and Mr Hochy- toch also began to laugh. " Most inconceivable ! ! ! O, what would I not give to have Sir James or Lady Methodical here just now ! — but I should lose my judgment long before I should have time to send for — Gracious, another set of skirls ! I think I had better begin and laugh too — pray, join me, Mrs Dudd." " He ! he! he ! he ! he !— ha ! ha ! ho ! ho!!! He ! he ! he ! he ! he ! ha ! ha !— ha I? stop! In the gap which the self-dismissed page had left in the folding doors, stood, till now unnoticed, Colonel Brown. Underneath one shoulder, his daughter Cecilia, — the hat of her French gover- ness under the other. And face to face, but somewhat in the shade, Mrs Horn Regular and Lady Methodical. " Upon my word, this is really a scene!" and looking round in strange surprise, Colonel Brown, leading on his ambuscade battalion, now ventured to enter, though certainly with some reluctance, upon the field of action. 26 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. The withering aspect of this force, even when seen from a distance, drove Miss Kicklecackle from her station at the window ; Mr Hochytoch and Mrs Dudd from the room ; brought two half-demolished drumsticks to the ground, and Mrs Fife to her senses. — The screams of Willie, who had likewise been infected, resounding like a trumpet of victory in some of the adjoining landing-places, completed the enchantment. Colonel Brown now waited, with no slight degree of satisfaction at finding himself a means in dissolving the show, to be enlightened; and his party, mechanically adopting the same me- thod of obtaining information, looked up to him in silence. Mrs Fife, however, notwithstanding this se- cond, and, perhaps of the two, the worst pull upon her nerves, did not at all times respect Colonel Brown agreeably to his desires; and she began, once more, to laugh over the scene which she herself had so lately helped to conjure up. " Well, ladies ! this is a most extraordinary reception," said Colonel Brown ; and Colonel THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 27 Brown seated himself. " What say you, Lady Methodical, eh ?" Lady Methodical hemmed, and turned to Mrs Horn Regular. Mrs Horn Regular re-echoed her Ladyship's hem, and fixed her still quiet eyes upon the French gouvernante. That lady gave a pathetic shrug, accompanied by a short low squeel, and applied her handker- chief to her face to conceal the love of happy frolic, which, maugre the dignity of her com- panions, already danced there in glee. Miss Brown was the first to take up the cudgels. " My dear Mrs Fife, who were these odd creatures now ?" she exclaimed, with a pouting lip, " I really — don't know," replied Mrs Fife ; and she wiped away a tear — not, we may guess, in sorrow. " No?" " No ; it was — but pray be seated all of you — it was only a parcel of people I permitted to see the house." « Well ?" 28 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " And they — O dear ! I shall never — he ! he ! — recover it !" 11 Well ?" The well was sounded this time by Colonel Brown, and his company at large. " And they came, as I said, to see the house." 11 Strange !" said Miss Brown, who did not think so very much of Fife-hall as to imagine that any body should go to see it. " Strange ! The strangest adventure, my dear, you ever heard of in your life." " But you know them, don't you ? you know everybody, Mrs Fife." " My dear, I was so confounded, I did not even get one, even one poor silly inquiry made." u Impostors, perhaps," said Lady Methodical. " They must have been very amusing ones, I should think," said Mrs Horn Regular. " A part of the character, perhaps. Hem !" added Lady Methodical. " If I could only find them out !" cried Mrs Fife. " Hush !" interrupted Colonel Brown, as his daughter and another of the party were going to say something fierce with contempt for the THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 29 members now at the horn. " Is there no chance, my dear Mrs Fife, of our becoming better ac- quainted with these oddities ?" " Do you think by going after them I should be able to overtake them, Colonel ?" re-inter- rogated Mrs Fife. " Why, I — should almost think so;" slowly answered Colonel Brown, taking his breath, and also his revenge, in having once more set- tled her upon tenter-hooks. " They are going to St Andrews :" — Mrs Fife had been informed of that piece of programme before the party had altogether alighted at her door — " And I shall go there to-morrow; nay, this instant. But perhaps I shall catch them at the gate; — pray ring, Miss Brown. While Miss Brown was preparing, with all lady-like grace and decorum to obey this ra- ther unwelcome summons, Mrs Fife was on her way, in person, to issue out the necessary commands. She reflected, however, on the feebleness of her powers either to detain or to interfere any further in the motions of the pun- chinellos ; but, still bent upon a better acquain- 30 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. tance with them, she despatched the groom of the antichamber on horseback, with an ample apology for the manner in which she and they had been disturbed ; terminating with an invitation to spend a whole day at the Hall, should they happen to return again by the same road. To this message Mrs Fife added an in- junction to her footman himself, which was, to keep at a distance, and upon no account to re-appear, till he had first seen her present visitors fairly out of sight. She found her company on her return in happy active discourse about no less a person- age than Mr Squeake. " He has so much taste," said Mrs Horn Regular. " A good deal of fiery execution, too," said Colonel Brown. " O, it's all execution," said his daughter. " He has no more ear, I believe, than a cat." " And perhaps not much more taste," said Lady Methodical. " O, he has not the least pretensions to taste," again observed Mrs Horn Regular ; who for- THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 31 got, in her love for a little regular chit-chat, the very different assertion she had just made before. " And then he plays so" — loud, Miss Brown would have said. But at that instant Lady Methodical came in with — " soft, one cannot possibly hear what he is about." " O, we all know it's horrid," cried Miss Brown ; glad to get so easily quit of her mistake. For it was her particular pride to be thought in her manners to resemble that first-rate pattern of the proper, Lady Methodical. " Horrid 1 do you say, Miss Brown ?" cried Mrs Fife ; now fairly darning in a word. " You never saw such pretty things as his last com- positions in your life. — Here they are!" and she drew forth Mr Squeake's last set of fa- shionable quadrilles, with waltz, dedicated with all due honour to herself. " Do try them, Cecilia," she added, approaching the piano- forte; " I have such a desire to hear them well played. I was even, do you know, so curious about them, that I began to re-learn the gamut myself, only that I might be able 32 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. to read them, and hear what they were like. But I could never get beyond this chord upon B flat" — suiting the action to the word — " the rest sounds perfect nonsense, don't you think ?" " Because you do not observe that you should be taking the bass clef all this time," said Miss Brown, sliding into the now abdicated seat. And she jingle-jangled through a hotch- potch set of mawkish tunes, stolen, imitated, and mixed up from among all the composers in the known world, we suppose. " Very pretty," said Mrs Horn Regular, ob- serving the dedication. " O beautiful !" exclaimed Miss Brown, who was at all times happy to praise any thing which she had herself the merit of performing. " Pray, Mademoiselle, what do you think ?" said her father, still willing to do the polite, especially with the young ladies. " Ah ! tres charmante ! tres charmante ! Voila, Madame Methodiky, cette passage. Ah ! that be it ! that be it ! Tit tit — titty — teetty — tcetty" THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 33 — " Colonel Brown," interrupted Lady Me- thodical, " I should be almost inclined to think that it is three o'clock." " Three o'clock ! O surely not three o'clock !" exclaimed Miss Brown, rising from the instru- ment. " I must be a quarter fast then, at that rate," said Mrs Horn Regular. " And I, ten minutes slow," said Colonel Brown. " Perhaps neither of you are right," said Lady Methodical ; " I make it a point to have my watch always exact to a minute." " My watch has never gone since the first week I got it," cried Miss Brown ; " but you see I always wear it, and always maintain it to be in the right, for it certainly never goes wrong." " We have gone wrong to-day, however, my dear," returned Lady Methodical. " Do you observe that shower ?" " O, gracious ! Antoinette !" exclaimed the young lady ; " Pray look here ! wasn't I right, now, in calling it a most horrid" vol. i. c 34 THE LAIRDS OF FIVE. — " O, most horrid" " Now, how can you interrupt me, Mademoi- selle ? It puts me so much in mind of the time when I was under your orders. I never at- tempted to say any thing, whether serious or funny, but you always snatched the words from my mouth, and said them yourself. So rude !" " She will soon fade," said Mademoiselle An- toinette to herself in revenge. Mademoiselle Antoinette hoped to prevent further wrath in the meantime, by a smile full of blandishment and adoucissement. " But you certainly did torment me, Made- moiselle," continued Miss Brown, whose wrath was not prevented by such concessions, and who was at that moment considering, in bitterness of spirit, the disagreeable necessity of having to offer Mrs Horn Regular and Lady Methodical seats in her carriage ; and the misery of hurl- ing round the country cramped up with four in a chariot. " Telemache ! Telemache ! Telemache!" re- turned the Mademoiselle with an inconceivable rapidity of articulation ; " Ah, Meese ! Meese !" " Pugh, pugb, I think Telemache only fit for THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 35 a nursery book," speedily retorted Miss Brown. " I am now accustomed, I am happy to say, to make a better choice where I intend to be in- structed. There's A 1 macks, Vivian Qrey, and Granby : — you need not stare, Mademoiselle ; you know you wearied of Telemache more than I did, and you gave a good proof of it when you prevailed on papa to steal away thebook from us." Mademoiselle's " gumption" saw nothing in this tart speech, but a pretty little anecdote in which she had herself played the heroine; and she set up a half-strangled giggle, which her ci-devant pupil first joined, and afterwards in- terrupted, by calling Mrs Fife's attention again to the weather. " Quite a storm, my dear Mrs Fife." " Only a few refreshing drops," said Mrs Fife, lifting her unsettled eyes — (which wearied exceedingly to see the party depart, as well as her anxiously expected messenger return) — to a wet mass of clouds and vapours. " In the shape of a shower-bath, you mean," added Colonel Brown. " Cecilia, my love, don't you see that Mrs Fife wishes us away ?" 36 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. Mrs Fife did not choose to observe that Colonel Brown spoke with some degree of forte. She was busy prying into the outworks of Miss Brown's tiny French watch. " We must get through as we can," observed Lady Methodical. " My dear Mrs Fife, we must bid you a good morning." " O pray, don't go," cried Mrs Fife, in a tone of pretended entreaty — "just yet," she add- ed ; politely, however, shewing the way to the staircase : " I would not for the world any of you got wet. — Is Colonel Brown's carriage there ?" raising her voice into a sharp sounding bugle. " It is so shabby in you all to go away, and leave that nice luncheon, too," she con- tinued, advancing towards the grand entrance- door, and boldly facing, or rather needling, through a pelting shower, that blew direct through the salon-goth in her face. " It's no- thing — nothing to speak of." " Good morning," said the party thus dismiss- ed, as they severally turned away in order to get into their carriage ; Lady Methodical'sgarden chair having driven off on account of the rain. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 37 " Good morning, Lady Methodical ; good morning, Mrs Regular ; good morning, Cecilia ; good morning, Colonel : — it is a little blowy, I see ; but I trust you will all get home safe." These compliments on the part of the dame de maison were answered by the carriage-party pulling up the glass, and by Colonel Brown put- ting spurs to his horse, — whom she now felt, like a cat that plays with a string, a sudden wish to recapture and detain. " It is really stormy, Colonel," said Mrs Fife, as he darted past ; " but I hope O, there he comes ! Well, John ! well, well, well, well ; what, what about them? Quick — speak — what about them ? Were the three all toge- ther ? and what did they say ? Did you give them my message?" John nodded. i( Well, and what was their answer ? Speak, quick, man, speak : what answer did they send ?" " They sent no answer." " What !!! Send no answer ?" " Only their compliments, Ma'am." — « Well ?" " And, that they should" — « Well, John, well ?" 38 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " Should not again return this road." " So, so, so, so, so, so. — Tell Mrs Gregory I want to see her immediately." " Well, Mrs Gregory, you will be able to throw some light on the subject, won't you? John found out that these strange people who came here this morning were going to St An- drews ; and you of course would sift out all the rest." The housekeeper shook her head. M What ! did the fellow not speak after he drank the porter ?" " Mem, I believe he was bribed. I never knew such an oyster of a man in my life." " He told you, however, where they came from, who they were, and but your tooth- ache seems very bad, Mrs Gregory." M O bad, very bad," said Mrs Gregory; whose toothache was the recollection of having forgot to pay any attention to either the man or the matter ; and who was very busy, moreover, at that instant, in facilitating the progress of two eatable manufactures, called crab apples and apricot jam. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 39 " I have it!" cried Mrs Fife, as the door closed : " I owe a visit to old Lady Lumber- field, and I dare say more than a dozen to that half-pay man, Captain Sham, and his wife : to- morrow morning I shall be off;" and she rung for her maid to assist in preparing the necessary materiel for her visits to Lady Lumberfield and Captain Sham, whom she intended to condemn, however, to act the part of * cat's paws' in her mighty design to overtake, and bring back, the volatile Miss Kicklecackle, and her more demure companions, Mr Hochytoch and Mrs Dudd. 40 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. CHAPTER III. On a trouve plus de difficult*: qu'on ne croyait. Instead of indulging in gentle morning slum- bers, after the vast fatigues and somewhat vo- luminous transactions of the former day, Mrs Fife was up, dressed, and, after a very early, and rather a hasty breakfast, was advanced two and a half miles upon the great little road lead- ing to St Andrews. She had laid a toil to come at the true character and dispositions of her late eccentric guests, who, as we have seen, had suddenly escaped her clutches, and at the very moment, too, when she supposed herself most secure of their company. The parties had disentangled themselves also in such a manner as served only to increase the fever of excitation which they had proved the innocent, though THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 41 primary means of occasioning ; and for this fault were they now to have the benefit of a chase, which was, to all appearance, likely to drive them over to Holland. It is not to be wondered at, therefore, that Mrs Fife, urged on by so many fomenting occa- sions of excitement, should, like another Eliza- beth of Siberia, set out in search of a termina- tion to her difficulties ; or that, bent on affairs of importance, she should despise the dewy efforts of the drizzly dawn, when satisfied as to the good condition of her close carriage. But, nevertheless, even amidst the greatest undertakings, how many little insignificant and unimportant sentiments and wishes break in upon the due performance of the grand trans- action ? Have not the most arduous, perse- vering and energetic, been suddenly seized, like Mrs Gregory, with the toothache, with a head- ache, with a desire to experience, in the way of their vocation, some little petty personal com- fort or gratification ; which, it is to be hoped, may rather assist than disturb the wished-for completion of their intentions? Mrs Fife, while 42 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. seated in quiet, and, of course to her, by no means agreeable contemplation, of the pitter- patter of her two well fed nags, — in the cold, too, of a very raw, slashy morning, — espied the well-known sheltered plantations of the venerable Mrs Ogilvie, whose grand-niece was an occasional visitor at the Hall ; and, when a calm fit occur- red, was a very great favourite. This young lady possessed considerable personal attractions, and a disposition which had the rare perfection of being free from all mean or malicious sensations. Miss Leslie had a natural character of benevo- lence about her, which sought to excuse, if it could not justify the ill conduct of others ; and a timidity of disposition, that neither found fault with ingratitude, nor the sometimes contemptu- ous insolence of pre-supposed superiority. Her connexions — like those of the rest of the world, if we were ever told the truth — were made up of both high and low ; of rich and of poor ; of people of talent ; of people whose ignorance was to be blushed for; and of persons famous for neither one thing nor another. Her fortune, as her aunt was merely a liferentrix, amounted, THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 43 like that of a great many other young ladies who are said to " have money,'' to just two thou- sand six hundred pounds. Her accomplish- ments, too, like those of most very accomplished young persons, consisted in being able to draw very badly ; dance very well ; sing so so ; and play on the piano and harp merely correctly and in time — to read French ; and to write a pretty letter. Mrs Fife, with all the suspicious activity of mind of a bustling woman of the world, had taken it for granted, that to pay court to who- soever might preside at the Hall, must form a principal motive in the politics of a young per- son so precisely situated as Miss Leslie; and had, accordingly, more than once endeavoured to prove the existence of such a system in that young lady's behaviour, by many lavish atten- tions, and by as many undeserved neglects. Miss Leslie, however, had still continued neither to expect the one, nor to resent (as was intended) the other. She had never made any objections to Mrs Fife's gratifying herself as she pleased ; and was, therefore, never disappointed 44 THE LAIRDS OF THE. by any unexpected discontinuance of her fa- vours. In the end, she had taught Mrs Fife herself an example of charity, gentleness, and o-ood-will ; and had now established herself in that lady's otherwise vacillating favour, in a manner that was not again to be disturbed. Mrs Fife, whom we left dabbling along upon a splashy road, was therefore but too happy to suspend her mad-like expedition, to pass an hour or two with so young and amiable a friend. " My dear Mrs Fife, I am so happy to sec you !" exclaimed Miss Leslie with delight, and taking both Mrs Fife's hands in hers. " How could you think of leaving your paradise, and, in this wet day too, to visit such a bye-corner as this ?" " On my way to the Shams, my dear," re- turned Mrs Fife, rather brusquely, enclosing herself within the outstretched arms of a large easy chair. " Then you must have some refreshment, my dear Ma'am," observed Miss Leslie, turning away to conceal a sudden and rather painful feeling of self-reprobation, for having so rashly THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 45 concluded the lady's journey to have been un- dertaken entirely upon her account; — for Miss Leslie and her aunt were out of the line of both Colonel Brown and the Methodicals. Mrs Fife, whose sagacity was of a quality suffi- ciently alert, quickly perceived the slight blush of self-reproof, and immediately sought to dispel it. " Sophia, my dear," she said, conferring upon her what she intended should be one of her sweetest smiles ; " you are at all times a great deal kinder to me than I deserve. And I know nobody whose company and conversation I so much and so heartily appreciate. — But don't be teasing your keys for me, my dear ; I couldn't think of any thing till I come back, when I mean to stay a night with you ; and — but I am really forgetting myself — I have not another moment to stop. Pray, how is your aunt ?" " Pretty well, thank you." " You mean — she is as usual, eh ?" « Yes." " How docs she sleep ?" " Tolerably." " What does she eat ?" 46 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " She is not particular." " When does she breakfast ?" " Generally about nine." " Exactly at nine ?" Miss Leslie nodded assent. " Is she allowed eggs ?" " Sometimes." " Is her room above this, pray ?" « It is." " Is it cold ?" " No, pretty comfortable." " Always a fire ?" " Only in winter." " Only in winter !" M Only in winter. " How many windows has it?" " Two." " Two ! why two ?" Miss Leslie was about to submit some sort of explanation to this really rediculous in- terrogative, when Mrs Fife again interposed — " My dear, sweet girl !" she exclaimed, " you really must not ask me any more questions: 1 have no time for them. And you see, as the THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 4-7 Shams have not as yet been informed of my coming, it will be necessary for me to arrive early, in order to give them due time to compose themselves: — You know they are no great things these Shams. So no regrets, — (where are you, Thomas ?) — my dear ; you know I am coming to spend a day with you, and you are coming next week to pass a month with me. Your aunt, poor body, likes so much to see you visit about, before you become, as she says, laid up like her ; and then she has good old Mrs Caretake to look after her — a fit name for such a fit nurse." And Mrs Fife, bringing up a squad- ron of queries which she had hitherto kept in reserve, but which however she did not wait to hear answered, went off. Mrs Fife had had sufficient leisure to re " " A mawkish hackney." "Ah! it is so pretty !" " Yes, it is pretty. But pretty, Ma'am, is sometimes not to the purpose." " Ah ! I must have it, Mr Squeake. For, do you know, if I could only drawl through it any way, with two or three of your pencil notes here and there upon the music, every body would set me down as a singer." " Yes, they would certainly set you down." For Mr Squeake had lately accomplished him- self in that most useful art of complimenting a pupil, and at the same time of ridiculing her to himself, and sometimes to every body else. " Well, then, let's have it now. I am so much in the humour for it, and you shall find me so tractable." " To be in the humour always promia THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 219 something," returned the gentleman ; and he began arranging the music on the piano-forte. Having at last got a scale of notes to be per- formed, and having chimed over the song himself, Mr Squeake prepared to give out his first lesson, and the young lady, as was desired, began. m Very well — very well — very good — Ah ! very good indeed ! But, stop one moment — I beg a hundred pardons, Ma'am, for interrupting you — Don't you think, when this stanza finishes for the second time, it should be sung so? The half note has so much elegance — so much naivete in it, I should almost say." " Ah, yes ! Mr Squeake, if one had only the voice to attempt these things." " And why not have the voice to attempt these things? Nothing so easy, I assure you. Now notice how I manage it. — Did you hear?" " O, you know, every thing is so easy to you, Mr Squeake." " O, easy ! It is the easiest thing in the world, Ma'am ; and so extremely — so extremely sweet. See, here it is again upon the instrument." 220 THE LAIRDS OF FIFJE. " Mr Squeake," said the tractable young lady, in a voice husky with suppressed rage, " I hope you will not take any offence, but I must tell you that there is nothing so sweet as simplicity; and, Sir, if you'll permit me to sing the song according to my own taste, you will find it a much better plan — you'll allow me — for us both." " There is no doubt of that, Ma'am ; and 1 agree with you entirely," politely returned Mr Squeake ; who, as in former times, had an eye not so much to the lady's improve- ment as to the lady's influence in some other quarter. " Certainly," he added in a more lively strain, " certainly your opinion must, I should think, be correct. You have heard a great deal of the best music, and you have pass- ed your life, one might say, amongst persons of first-rate talents and accomplishments." " Yes, yes, yes, 1 k?ioxjL\ Mr Squeake;" for the young lady's tact penetrated at once the true motives of this harangue. " But listen to mc for a moment. I am just going over to Lady Lochcnd's — in plainer words, to G Square; THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 221 and as I know all the dowagers in that quiet sejour, I think I may be able to prevail on some of them to appreciate your merit. These ladies, you know, have always a great many relations handed in to them from the country, and there- fore dabble much in recommendations, and so forth ; for their actions are, I must say, much oftener regulated by good intention, than by purse-pride." " You do not, however, intend to insinuate to them, that I have too much time on my hands ?" said Mr Squeake simpering rather suspiciously. " Too much time ! O, dear, no. I mean to tell them, that if it had not been for my voice, I should never have been able to engage you." " And depend upon it, Ma'am, I shall say the same thing." " But I am going now, Mr Squeake: I ex- pect to see Mrs General Jacobson here every instant for that very purpose." " Ah, sure, how odd ! But good morning, good morning, Ma'amselle." " Stay, stay, Mr Squeake," cried the young lady, as that gentleman was now gently and 222 THE LAIRDS OF FIFF. softly closing the wing of a door behind him ; " I have got something very particular to say to you. Pray, what am I to do about a duet a duet, Mr Squeake ? I should wish to sing one with you occasionally." " Pray, what shall it be then, Ma'am ?" de- manded Mr Squeake, not over-pleased at finding himself pulled about like another check-string, we may believe. " Something simple. Bring it with you on Monday. I shall manage the part that does not go high ; and you must squeak away and embel- lish as you can. This plan — pray, sit down, Mr Squeake — should please every body shouldn't you think?" " The plan is charming !" said Mr Squeake, pulling out his watch. « Well, I think we may as well talk it over now," said the young lady, observing him. " You are in no hurry, Sir, to be away, I hope ?" " Not in any great hurry, Ma'am." " Put up your watch, then, Mr Squeake. One would suppose you were a doctor of physic, instead of music." THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 223 " Well, what shall it be ?" said Mr Squeake, now in no hurry, and contentedly putting up his watch again. " There are some beautiful ariettes from Rossini's Pastorales, and I think I can remember one which I think will suit you. But don't allow me to prescribe ; perhaps you have got one already in your mind, which you may prefer to every thing else." " That man will tell every body that he was shut up all day in our house, and I shall never be able to deny it," thought Miss Brown to herself on the receipt of this speech. — " Pray, what were you saying, Mr Squeake?" she de- manded aloud. M But I see I must not detain you ; you have got a great deal to do ; and your valuable time, Mr Squeake, must not be made a monopoly of." " I shall not look after any body this hour," replied Squeake ; " so it does not signify my being late now. I have had, every body will allow, but too good an excuse for my absence." And Mr Squeake simpered still more delight- edly. " O, pray, don't make it my fault, Mr Squeake. 224 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. But the fact is, I must ask you at any rate to cut short your visit; for I am sure Mrs Jacob- son must be at the door by this time. O, no apologies, no apologies Good morning, Sir, good morn Pray, William, do you think you see Mrs Jacobson coming?" « I shall look, Ma'am." " Ay, do. But you must first tell Harriet to look after my snow-boots. I think I shall wear them to-day." In half an hour afterwards Mrs General Jacob- son arrived ; and Miss Brown, with the help of Miss Harriet, put the last clasp into her pelisse. A large shawl was next produced, and the ladies then proceeded on their expedition to G Square. It was one of those dry, hard-frosted days, in which it is sometimes the fashion — though rather going out — for the ladies of Edinburgh to take exercise in public on foot ; and our two acquaintances accordingly enfiled the Bridges with that suppressed and timidish sort of gait, which entitles people to look so interestingly diffident and perplexed, and at the same time THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 225 to cut, without sense of remorse, as many of their less particular friends and relations as they may chance to meet. There was much hubbub, for it was three o'clock, and Mrs General Jacobson was much occupied in getting easily through the swarm. Miss Brown, however, was a great deal less particular when jostled against by any one ; and could, while apparently looking straight before her, observe and detect all that was going on. In particular, she could distinguish the glib tongue of a young man, who kept chattering aloud to his companion, crescendoing it in pro- portion as the rattle of carts, carriages, and coaches happened to increase. Miss Brown might, by retrenching her pace, have compelled the scandal-pie to pass her ; but, anxious as she generally felt herself to be diverted with- out ever condescending to appear so, she com- pelled her companion to get on, for fear of sustaining so great a misfortune. In the mean time, she had undisputed intel- ligence that the young gentleman's eyes were raking about as well as his thoughts, as might vol. i. p 026 THE LAIRDS OF FUR be gathered from the following single-handed dialogue, which seemed to disdain as unncces- sary the sometimes agreeable assistance of an occasional response. " Pretty horse that. I suppose you know that the wight he carries is no less than the quarter-master of the dragoons. Handsome man, and knows it. Doesn't think that he would be any the better of scarlet, and therefore always dresses in plain clothes. You know, of course, that the women are all in love with him. He knows it too; and yet his manners are no ways affected, nor does he really appear to want sense. A little further on, and direct in the face, he is going to meet young Squint; an ill- favoured wretch, who sees nobodv but himself. His duty is to see double, however — his own double I presume — and ride over the same ground four hours a-day. He is then to be seen taking a walk ; after which he is to dine off" one dish, for the sake of an excellent and ' wear me well' stock of health ; and then" — here the voice grew rather indistinct — " But look here, only observe that fellow with the face THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 22? like a fish. A pickle ! a pickle-man's son. — I forget who told me, for nobody knows him — But hush ! here comes Mrs D and her last daughter — ' I hope (bowing) I hope you're very well, Ma'am.' Bad marrying girls all these D s. D. C. told me he did all he could to stop three of them in their marriages. But 'twouldn't do — they only ran the faster into it the moment they began to ask his advice. One of them (the last married) insisted on putting off the match for a month ; but that was only, every body says, to get quit of the general mourning. — Heavens ! what a lot of us. But look here, Tommy, do you see that thing- coming stamping down upon us? — Pray let me go on : You are so confoundedly fond of inter- ruptions — That, Sir, is young Tape. Now, D. C. does not like Tape; while /positively think the creature well enough." " Was there any thing in the story of Miss Brown and him ?" at last edged in Tommy. " What Miss Brown ?" thought Miss Brown ; and she almost obliged the young gentlemen to pass, in her desire to bring them up a little closer 228 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. to the scratch, for she was not altogether uncon- nected with the diet as it was. "Anything in it? O, horrid shrieks! All the town were only talking of it. Why, Sir, this same c Tape of all' had a chequered destiny, — shyed by the men, caressed by the women — rejected by the father, and accepted by the girl. And then, as somebody said who kept a shop, ' who is the Duke of Buccleuch ?' a person the other night, at the play, actually asked me who Colonel Brown was ? * Why, Ma'am, said I, I take him to be a soldier and an officer; and, if I am rightly informed, nephew to the late Sir Thomas Brown.' ' And pray who,' said the woman again, ' is Sir Thomas Brown ?' Upon which, you know, I quitted my seat, for it was impossible for me to describe Adam. 1 ' " Was Adam, our beloved, at the play, then ?" " No; nor Samuel, our much esteemed; nor wild Isaac either." " Ha ! ha! ha ! So you really thought me in earnest, Chitter ?" " Nay, Tommy, thou bamboozlcst thy young THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 229 self. I took; but I wished to take a compa- nion along with me, — an incredulous fool, for instance, like the one I have now got beside me." " Sir ! Do you mean to insult"- " Not at all, Tommy ; not at all. But, as I was saying to you about these Brownies, it was the highest farce in the world, and, as I said, every body was talking of it." " Miss Brown, I am told, never goes to par- ties," returned Tommy, who had no wish for a duel; and who could almost perceive a similar disinclination in the pale lips of his friend Ned Chitterchat, notwithstanding his bombast. " Ah ! there's a great deal more in that than you would suppose, Tommy. She can dine it, but not ball it." " Religious, or, as some sedates would call it, serious, perhaps?" " No, no, no, no, no, no. The girl's as lame as Sister-to-fovvling." Here Miss Brown, the subject, involuntarily made an exclamation. " Yes, yes: You may well cry lame, Tom- 230 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. my — will die an old maid, Tommy. And then Markeild's unhatched chickens will get the siller, eh !" " But is that girl, Brown, really considered rich?" quoth Tommy. " Q yes, must be, must be. Have got their own horses. Keep thirty servants. Eat off silver, and burn nightly forty pounds of wax. The Colonel, too, gives good wine, and the Miss sits at these fine fetes: — Good policy that, methinks. But stay, come in here, Tommy, till I get me a pair of slim kid whites : for I intend, as usual, to do the genteel at the Marchmonts to-night." Miss Brown continued to cut her friends and acquaintances, now, without knowing it, and without really observing their approach. She was swallowed up in one grand reflection, full of wonder, amazement, and resentment, at the apparently popular misconstruction put upon all her endeavours to imitate the great Aloofs. She recollected^ too, in the moment of confusion, having sent word, some four weeks ago, as an excuse to somebody or other, that she was lame THE LAIHDS OF FIFE. 29! from a sprain. The lie was now repeated to her cost. She was, however, compelled to forego that, and similar causes of excitation, to listen to the voice of her companion, who had conti- nued so obligingly passive. h How slow we are going, my dear," she ob- served. " I declare you seem as breathless nearly as myself. Now, I am fully ten years older than you, I should think." "Fully?" " Yes, fully ; at the least, I dare say, twelve years older." " Four-and-twenty, you mean." But Miss Brown merely lisped the number, and Mrs Ja- cobson heard only a sound that resembled four- teen. " My dear," she said, and she gently pressed the young lady's arm ; " you have really guessed it. But you must understand, I do not wish it to be known. Ladies at my age require to be called young, and to be about three-and-thirty does not seem so very awful, especially when we know so many girls whom four or five years more will bring up to the same height." 232 THE LAIllDS OF FIFE. " This is the Dowager Lady Lochend's door," said Miss Brown ; and she complimented both the door and her candid friend Mrs Jacobson with a yawn of almost unmatchable duration. The Dowager Lady Lochend was at home. But the conversation, though sufficiently inno- cent and well-conducted, was not altogether very interesting. Her Ladyship complained of labouring under a bad cold ; Mrs General Ja- cobson had just got one ; and Miss Brown had but very lately recovered from a third. The two visitors left, to adjourn to another dowager's, to talk over a few more bad colds ; but Miss Brown changed her mind on reaching the pave. She prevailed on her companion to repass the Bridges with her, however, and hinted more than once that she had no objections to return home by herself. " Should we not have stopped at B 's to have looked at that blond ?" said Mrs Jacob- son, after they had just passed that gentleman's warehouse. " O dear, so we should. But, pray, don't go back. I fear papa is waiting on that book THE LAIltDS OF FIFE. 233 that I so stupidly put past amongst my things; and, then, military men have so little, so very little patience. But your own old General must have informed you of this before." " Well, I won't insist, my dear. And now, since we have got so far, do you think you can get down by yourself." " O, with the greatest ease imaginable; so good bye — good bye — I shall call for you to- morrow;" and so saying, Miss Brown forth- with made the best of her way back to — Place. She had something on her mind of which she wished herself almost immediately disburdened. She had unexpectedly encounter- ed, at least she had a shrewd suspicion that she had encountered, Mr Edward Chitterchat, so notorious for retailing and relating all and every the events of the day, slap-dash as they occur- red, and insignificant as was sometimes their complexion ; and she would go and dispel all those idle aspersions that had been so indus- triously and pcrseveringly heaped upon herself. The Marchmonts, amongst the rest, had given up sending her invitations ; had even deferred to 234- THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. return her pompous morning call ; but to the Marchmonts she would go. That man of small- talk, too, Mr Chitterchat, would be there, and she should send him next morning through the town to relate a series of still more wonderful and extraordinary adventures. In her newly- awakened desire to profit by the virtues of a re- action, she ordered out the materiel for note- writing, and then composed the following billet for Miss Grace Marchmont : — " My Dear Grace, — Papa has heard so much lately of a certain song, which it seems you sing most beautifully, that he has deputed me to request you to come and spend this even- ing with us. Now, as we are to be quite alone, and entirely disengaged, there will be no occa- sion for you to dress, and you can get home as curly as you choose. Yours, my dear Grace, very truly, Cecilia A. Brown. P. S. — Pray send over your music before you. C. B." " That will do," said Miss Brown to herself, it she folded the note carefully up: " and yet il THE LA1RDB OF FIFE. 235 may chance to misgive. My best plan, there- fore, will be to carry it myself, under pretence of the shortness of the invitation." And on this errand she accordingly set out. She was told that Miss Grace March mont was, like many other housekeepers, not at home. " Preparing for the fatigues of the evening, I presume," said Miss Brown, unriddling her very fine cambric handkerchief. " Pray give her this card, and say that it is Miss Brown — Miss Brown, Place, who has called. I shall wait here for half a moment, until I know* that Miss Marchmont has got my message." The footman saw that he was understood — carried up the card as he was desired — and the next moment returned to do the lady herself a similar favour. " My dear Miss Brown, this is such an agree- able surprise ! I have just glanced over your pretty card — But, pray, come to our party to- night, if you are disengaged." " Why, I daresay you are going to have a ball? I wonder how the man should have let me up." 236 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " O dear, why not? But you are coming, are you not?" " O, I should be delighted. But, you see, papa would be my death if I were to think of it. It's he, you must know, that won't allow me to visit any where at night." " What a pity ! And this is such a bad foggy afternoon, too." " O, my dear, this is the best night in the world. In fact, papa was just saying to-day, that he thought he might venture to let me out if the weather should continue this way, and you should happen to be engaged." " What ! this damp raw fog?" " I grant it is shocking; and yet he says it's all very seasonable. But I must go. — By the bye," she added, pausing suddenly on the stairs, " if your mother should take it into her head to send me a card, I think I might get him coaxed into it, after all. You know how much I am condemned to suffer from his whims some- times." " Well, good bye: I shall fill up a card for you immediately. But won't you see mamma ?" THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 237 " My dear, I have not a moment to lose. So good bye — good bye. I dare say it has come on a little thick." Before the door had finally closed upon this after- speech of Miss Brown's, Miss Grace Marchmont had already communicated the re- sult of her visit to her mother. " He is such an artful man that Colonel Brown !" said Mrs Marchmont. " Though I confess I consider the daughter to be the worse of the two " She paused, however, to consider the eclat of having so very fastidious a young lady once more on a visiting footing at the house ; and eventually permitted her daughter Grace to write the very pressing invite, for which, in addition to the card of ceremony, Miss Brown herself had just given the hint. The following card, carefully written and sealed, and having for a motto a piece of ivy twined round an oak, with the words encircling, " Where I place my affections, I die" was re- ceived in answer. " Miss Brown regrets she cannot have the 238 THE LAIIIDS OF FIFE. honour of waiting on Mrs and the Misses Marchmont this evening." " Place, Friday." The young lady, on whom the events of the morning were now beginning to lose their effect, had changed her mind, and that upon the unex- pected arrival of a still more tremendous-sized ticket from the true object of her admiration and idolatry — Lady Aloof. " Lady Aloof — a party — Tuesday the 29th — half-past nine o'clock." Lady Aloof was partial to early hours. To display this same card upon her sofa-table was to Miss Brown a sufficient consolation for almost every other affliction ; and, perhaps, a slight indistinct feeling of satisfaction at having, as it were, mortified the Marchmonts, was not unmingled with her happiness upon the occa- sion. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 239 CHAPTER XII. " There is no snare more dangerous to busy and excursive minds, than the cobwebs of petty inquisitiveness, which en- tangle them in trivial employments and minute studies, and detain them in a middle state between the tediousness of total inactivity and the fatigue of laborious efforts ; enchant them at once with ease and novelty, and vitiate them with the luxury of learning." Rambler. Lady Aloof's card and dancing assembly was very brilliant. Young ladies came there who had never been introduced to the family before. The gentlemen were supported by a squadrone of splendidly dressed dragoons; and there was a vast display of dowagers and old maids, set off by a few Lords of the Restoration, several high personages of official importance, and a volatile group of wits, lawyers, professors, and literati. 240 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. Miss Brown, through some accident or ano- ther, did not dance so much as on this stage she had intended ; but she exerted herself pretty suc- cessfully in recommending herself to the young ladies of the family, whom she had found it so very difficult hitherto to approach ; while the young ladies aforesaid, as sincere as herself, en- deavoured to render themselves for once both accessible and polite. Next day Miss Brown handed in her card from her carriage ; and in a fortnight after- wards she was visited in return by Miss Lsetitia Alicia Aloof in person. Miss Lsetitia Alicia Aloof was rather a little moredistant in her address this time than she had proved herself on the assembly night, and seem- ed, throughout her short visit, to be constantly afraid of saying any thing that could after- wards be repeated as hers, or of doing any thing that ran a risk of ever again being remembered as coming from an Aloof. Still and on she had come — she had called ; and Miss Brown was left more than ever inclined to tyrannize over the residue of her acquaintances. Mrs THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 241 Fife, too, was fortunately laid up with her an- nual cough ; and Miss Brown had nobody else in her vicinity who was inclined to pry into the true motives of her undertakings. To the Aloof family, therefore, every body was to be, and every body was to know themselves to be, sacrificed. In return for a glass of calf's jelly, a little weak negus, a tea-spoonful of eau-sucre, half an orange, and a halfpenny sized piece of rout- cake, demolished by his daughter at the party of the Viscountess Aloof, Colonel Brown, with great joy, prepared to give a dinner-feed, at which the fish and soups alone were calculat- ed to cost twenty pounds. This gentleman, however, was not by any means what is gene- rally termed an extravagant person ; he had only that small affair the purse, and the vanity to display it upon an occasional grand occasion. His catacombs, on this precious day, disgorged all that can be named as excellent or recherche ; and even the house in Fife, that quiet rival to the notorious Fife-hall, was made to deliver up a quantum of old Hock, such as had rarely been vol. i. o. 242 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. seen, and was not very likely to be seen again. Upon the less important parts of the banquet, Miss Brown and her housekeeper were allowed to give their veto. The company invited, we presume, were all in corresponding keeping. At six o'clock the roll of carriages, in a cer- tain direction, began to be defined by the quick set ears of Miss Brown, and in half an hour afterwards every body was come but the Right Honourable family of the Aloofs. <{ Every body at least will hear them announc- ed," said Miss Brown to herself as seven o'clock sounded through the house, when, at that mo- ment, the important carriage arrived. The setting down, the steps being soft and capacious, made little noise, but the shutting up made a sort of rattle ; and Miss Brown began to won- der how, had Lady Aloof and her daughters been to descend from their coach, the footman could have so very rapidly set * all right.' Her newly awakened suspicion was confirmed. Lord Aloof entered alone; and not only that, but evi- dently out of humour, and seemingly regretting the not having honoured some other place of THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 243 distinction with his presence : While, as it" to follow up this blow, almost at the same moment was presented a card of apology, which had, through some mischance or other, lain un- noticed in the hall for the last half hour. It was from the Lady Aloof, and stated, " that the effects of a bad cold, &c. must deprive her of the honour of waiting upon Colonel and Miss Brown at dinner that day," &c. Lord Aloof was left to explain how the Misses Aloof had found it impossible to leave their mamma. Miss Brown's total want of sensibility was of use to her, it must be acknowledged, in this very mortifying predicament ; and she was able even to lament, with well-bred reserve, the occasion of Lady Aloof and her daughters' ab- sence. Her father was not so easily consoled. He reflected, probably, on his own great per- sonal trouble and expense, and in particular on the insult that had been so very openly offered to his pride ; but still anxious to appear on " good terms" with the absenting Aloofs, he contrived, like his daughter, to disguise his sense of the implied affront. 244 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " We have passed but a dull day, I'm afraid," he observed, looking round upon a couple of large empty drawing-rooms, in which might be perceived recent traces of an effort to please somebody of caste. " Well, I like quiet parties best, papa." " So do I, my dear," returned her father, sighing rather a little profoundly, however. " But, to say the truth, Cecilia, every thing went very heavily on. My Lord Aloof, too, went very soon away." " That was to be expected," said the young lady somewhat doggedly. " But, if I mistake not, you were all very merry down stairs. Lord Aloof told me himself, that he had never spent a more social half-hour; and then he was so happy to meet with his old friend Colonel Cab." " His Lordship certainly got a little more fa- cetious. But 1" was miserable, he would have said; but the out-and-out confession he apprehended to be a little too indigestible both for his daughter and himself. " O yes, I know you were not happy; and it is not people's fortune to get any thing better THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 245 than trouble, I believe, upon such occasions. Only, for a first visit, to have had Viscount Aloof was, to me, much more than could have been, rationally speaking, expected. — We all know, papa, that there never was a family who adhered so strictly to their own motto." " Very true, my dear: I must acknowledge I have often heard that. But what was it again ?" " O, don't you recollect? — I keep aloof." " And so it is ! How stupid that I should have forgot it. Ha ! ha ! ha !" and the gentleman indulged himself in the relaxatory succedaneum of a half laugh. " But, my love, won't you or- der some of these immense lights to be put out; otherwise, I think, we too must keep aloof." " By all means, papa. But won't you play me one game at chess ?" " By all means, Cecilia. — And now, upon which side of the table-board do you think you should like to sit ?" " I think, where I am. Only you must set the fire-screen a little nearer me — ay, that will do. I suppose I take the first move?" 246 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. Colonel Brown moved his lips. He was anxious to please and to exalt her in every thing, but he was just thinking what a failure his ela- borate dinner had turned out. The young lady thought differently : she guessed that the report, at least, would do something in her favour with the Aloofs ; and likewise hoped that, through the good opinion of the Lord, she should next arrive at the good graces of the Lady. Such keen cogitations as these were rather incompatible with the attention that was due to a well-managed game at chess. Miss Brown had contrived that the grand lights should burn a little longer; and as her father became sleepy and abstracted, she suffered her fair hand to overturn, with a languid motion, the remaining castles, knights, and bishops, that attended up- on the fine elephant-mounted kings and queens of Colonel Brown's very superb Indian set. Pier father vawncd for a moment over this agreeable revolution, and then ringing for his valet, prepared to repose his now conglomerated faculties on the gentle pillows of a down-bed. There was another personage, however, who. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 247 though she appeared also to lay quiet, was never- theless not to be so easily set at rest. " Who was that? who was that? who was that?" demanded Mrs Fife, as her door closed upon a tiny ring and a puny voice. " It was nobody, Mem." " Nobody ! ! ! I think I never heard the like of that before! Nobody!!!" " It was only Miss M'Tavish," said the foot- man speaking along with her ; " and she left no name." " No name ! ! !" The footman stared. " What ! is M'Tavish not a name ? — Fly this instant, you young villain you, and bring her back." Miss M'Tavish, we may take the opportunity to observe, was a very respectable retired dress- maker, whom a legacy left by a careful aunt had at length helped to establish in a kind of half and half sort of independence. Besides this pseudo merit, Miss M'Tavish was one of those convenient sort of persons, who, having heard that necessity was the mother of invention, 248 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. can, when at a loss for legitimate news, invent them, — one whose love of gossip, and re-tittlctl tittle-tattle, was not to be in the least endanger- ed by any extra fatigue or over exertion. In a word, she was not one of Charles the Second's, but one of Mrs Fife's Tame Knaves, and had accordingly at all times the privilege of the entree, when not, it should be observed, in the vicinity of Fife-hall. Miss M'Tavish, however, had sufficient tact to know her place, and also to know at what times it was expected she should appear in it. To come and sit awhile after tea, when Mrs Fife was known to be dis- engaged ; or in the morning, before any other more consequential visitor might be expected, was her favourite practice ; and sometimes it was her custom, by way of jubilee, to act the useful part of an accomplished sick-nurse. On the present occasion she had called because the day was too wet to allow that favour from any one else, — which shews, we opine, the advan- tage of young women being compelled into hardihood at a very early period of life. " I would give any thing to know what made THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 249 them, send you away, Miss M'Tavish," said the lady, as her reporter entered the room, behind the Venetian window-blinds of which Mrs Fife, maugre her annual cold, was frequently accus- tomed to watch. — M I really should like you to help me to guess his motive for such a strange — shut the door, John, 1 have got something particular to say to Miss M'Tavish — piece of conduct. But I know that he would only puz- zle me if I were to ask. But what's the news? what's the news, Miss M'Tavish ?" Miss M'Tavish took off her bonnet, the strings of which came rather too much in contact with that vehicle of all oracular communications yclep'd the throat, and prepared for action. " Well, what news ?" encored Mrs Fife, as she sat impatiently watching her motions, and occasionally darted her eyes through the slits of the Venetians upon some poor umbrella'd pe- destrian or other. « Lord Aloof—!!" cried Miss M'Tavish, as if she had been addressing a deaf person; " Lord Aloof has been — where now, Mrs Fife, do you think ?" 250 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. Mrs Fife answered by turning upon her a fixed and feverish gaze. The game had been started ; and who could be more eager than Cu- riosity, in the hands of Mrs Fife, in the pursuit? " Where?" she at last pronounced, as if inquiring for the further destinies of the dead. « Well, then," responded Miss M'Tavish, " the great man has been to your friends the Browns, at last." " No J" said Mrs Fife in a whisper, hollow, deep, and sepulchral. « A fact." " Mercy on us !" " And more than that, Ma'am," eagerly con- tinued Miss M'Tavish, who was now likewise beginning to get a little warm upon the subject, " it was said that Lady Aloof— only conceive ! — and her daughters were to have been there also, had not something extraordinary interfered to prevent them. — You heard that Cecilia Brown was at their grand party, I suppose ?" " Heard !" shrieked Mrs Fife, " I have heard nothing for the last three weeks ; for Sophia Leslie, poor good-natured thing, has never any THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 251 thing to say that refers to any thing but my- self." " But then, consider, you have been so very ill, my clear Mrs Fife; and then, as Miss Leslie says, you will always think so little of yourself." " That's very true. But stop ! wasn't that my housekeeper, with her cadie at her back, that I got a glimpse of just now ?" " It was her, I rather think." " Are you sure?" " I saw them both, I think, go down the steps." " I saw somebody," said Mrs Fife. — " And you are come to stay dinner with me, I know, Miss M'Tavish ?" " Well, Ma'am, I am," boldly asserted Miss M»Tavish, who saw all that was wanted by this remark. " Well, then, let's hear about the Browns and their party. — I perceive it was a party," continued Mrs Fife, reseating herself. " I always told you that that man Brown was as close as an oyster. And, no doubt, this inti- macy with the Aloofs has been a-hatching for 252 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. the last twelve months at least. Pray, what had they all to dine upon ?" " Every thing. There never was such a dis- play. For one thing — the Colonel bought for that same day two hundred and fifty pounds worth of silver plate." " Perhaps the things were plated," observed Mrs Fife. " Very possibly. But their housekeeper, who is half-sister to my uncle, informed me for a fact, that every thing had the proper stamp." " But I have found out many imitations that have the proper stamp, Miss M'Tavish ; or at least something very like it. But, pray, who composed the party ?" " Well, I must tell you." " Was you desired not to tell me?" " O, no, no, no. I am quite delighted to get any thing to tell." " Miss M'Tavish, you are digressing. You promised to let me hear who were all at the Browns to meet the Aloofs." " O, well, well, well, Ma'am. There was Sir James and Lady Methodical — Mr and Mrs THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 253 Horn Regular — Mr and the Misses Gander — a Colonel Cab" " A what ?— a Crab ?" " A Colonel Cab, and two West India medi- cal students." " So, so, so, so, so ! Lady Methodical and Mrs Horn Regular ! Pray, what did these amiable ladies wear, let me ask ?" " They were in blacks.'' " Blacks ! ! ! But who is it that's dead, do you know ?" " The much-beloved Duke of York." " O, yes, yes. But we have had enough of the much-beloved Duke of York. And now, my good Miss M'Tavish, I should just like to know something — in a quiet way — about these Ganders." Miss M'Tavish shook her head. " Hah !" and Mrs Fife appeared to sink under the excess of her expectations. « Hem" " Wait just one moment, my dear Miss M'Ta- vish : You must have a glass of wine. Here," 254 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. she added, darting back with bottle and glass in hand, " drink that." " No more, my dear Mrs Fife." " Just one other single glass. You know I dare not taste it for my cold." " How distressing !" " Yes, very distressing. But quick, my dear Miss M'Tavish ; I am so anxious to hear all about the Ganders." " But, is the door close, Mrs Fife?" Mrs Fife took the hint, and added a little stubborn ornamental bolt to the ordinary quan- tum of fastening. " Quite fast, and now you may begin at the very foundation." " Well, then, the fellow's father sold beef- steaks at Newcastle." « Miss M'Ta vish !!!" " A fact; old Mr Stevenson, the hair-dresser, minds perfectly well of being in his shop." " Gracious ! But pray get on, my dear." " Well, the son — the present Mr Gander — it seems, was a most uncommon wild boy; and so the father, to get quit of him, sent him abroad ; THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 255 and, they say, it never cost the poor man a far- thing." " But how could he manage that ?" " By buying cattle, it seems, from Lord ; at least so I heard it. Well, it seems the lad made a great deal of money ; and married, and got a great deal more — married to oblige some- body." " O-ho ! Just so." " But they say he has left his wife behind him, for fear, as it is said, some other body should own her. Now, do you understand that?" " Perfectly!" shouted Mrs Fife. " But the cream of the story, Ma'am, is this ; that when I was standing, about a week ago, in the Miss Dresswell's front room, telling them this very same story, a coach I had never seen before came thundering up; and out of it — came the very man himself, followed by his four half-black daughters !" " And what were they like?" " The eldest I would call like Impudence, and the rest like their sister. But who in the 256 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. world's that stopping next door? Well, may I be confounded if it is not the very folk we were talking about !" " What ! the Ganders?" « The Ganders!" " Ring the bell for my shawl and hat, Miss M'Tavish. I have not seen the people next door for a month. You'll come with me, Miss M'Tavish ?" " I suppose that old girning devil, Mr Crimp- fit, is married by this time," answered Miss M'Tavish, also adjusting her bonnet. " Going to be married, is he? But when heard you the report?" " The Ganders are always on the move, my dear Mrs Fife." " O, come then, let's fly. Here, Willie, throw over me my old plaid shawl ; and tell Miss Leslie I shall be back in an instant. And d'ye hear, Willie, be more attentive than ever in watching Mr Crimpfit's door. Miss M'Ta- vish has just heord a report that he is going to be" THE LAlltDS OF FIFE. 2.57 — " Buried — my dear Mrs Fife ; I meant buried.— Shall I tap?" " Ay, do. — Well, John, I suppose Mr and Miss Crimpfit are at home? — What! won't you let us pass ?" " They are at home this morning, Ma'am ; but" " But what, John ?" " The family are engaged." " O, I know that, John — with Mr and the Misses Gander; people I know intimately." " But they are all particularly engaged, Ma'am." And John strained his neck to ascer- tain whether a certain hackney-coach might, or might not, be within sight yet. " Mr Crimpfit is making his Will," whispered Miss M'Tavish. « Is Mr Crimpfit making his Will, John ?" demanded Mrs Fife. John smiled. " I told you so," cried Miss M'Tavish ; '• and, perhaps, between you and I, the Ganders have their good reasons for being present. — Perhaps every one of them arc the man's daughters." VOL. i. R 258 THE LAIKDS OF FIFE. " They are coming at last," said John ; and he made a motion as if he intended to clear the way per force, " We shall stay here till that coach come* up, at any rate," said Miss M'Tavish, who had her eyes upon the still more perplexed ones of Mrs Fife. But at that moment a servant girl came to say, that it was impossible for Mr or Miss Crimpfit that day to be seen ; an intima- tion by which it was desired that the intruders should find themselves dismissed, and so disperse without further parley or delay. Mrs Fife was not, however, to be so easily or so quickly dislodged from her position. " Come here, John," she whispered emphatically, and closing the inner door of the salon, so as to divide him from the party who had last arrived to his assistance. " Now, look you, here is the five shillings I promised you for lending me — you understand — the umbrella on that wet Sun- day when it rained so fast. — Now," she added, reducing her voice so as even to be inaudible to her double, Miss M'Tavish, — " tell me what it is that is going on in that house ?" THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 259 " My master's marriage with the eldest Miss Gander." " Your master's marriage with the eldest Miss Gander ! ! !" repeated Mrs Fife staggering, as if she had been shot. " Yes, yes, Ma'am. — But, for God's sake, re- tire : They are coming ; and I shall lose my place." " Who, who are coming ?" " The relations, Ma'am, the relations." " And is the clergyman come ?" — The door was closed upon this query, and opened again to a hackney-coach full of Mr and Miss Crimpfit's relations, in whose white and lengthened looks might be discovered every thing but joy or congratulation. At least, such was the report of Mrs Fife and her companion, as they stood upon their own steps to examine each creature as it sprung fearfully through the rain ; to the dampening attacks of which, how- ever, its diligent examinators appeared to be wholly insensible. By this time Miss Leslie had finished that employment, which the curiosity of her friend 260 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. Mrs Fife had prevented from undertaking her- self; and she had just re-approached the draw- ing-room door, when her senses, as well as her steps, were arrested by a couple of active female voices in full play. " Clack ! clack ! clack ! clack ! clack !" Miss Leslie could not distin- guish whether queries, rejoinders, interjections or conjunctions prevailed. It seemed a concen- trated Babel, which no human ingenuity was calculated to detect or to understand. " Clack ! clack ! clack ! clack ! clack ! ,J and Miss Leslie took to flight. Miss M'Tavish was obliged to follow her example. — Mrs Fife's cold had taken a turn decidedly and dangerously feverish, supposed to have been occasioned by too great anxiety in dis- cussing the merits of Mr Crimpfit's hasty mar- riage ; and from too much fatigue in watching the final departure of the amiable friends of the interesting bride. Be this as it may, a physician was required to be sent for; and Miss M'Tavish was politely dismissed, with an injunction, how- ever, to return upon some early day — A proot that there exists in active minds a principle THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 261 capable of producing a sufficiency of bustle and disturbance even out of the worst of all mate- rials — a political marriage and a wet day. 262 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. CHAPTER XIII. " Curiosity is the thirst of the soul; it inflames and torment* us, and makes us taste every thing with joy, however other- wise insipid, hy which it may he quenched." Rambler. " Am I any better, think you, my dear Miss Leslie ?" " Well, then, my dear Mrs Fife, I rather suspect you are not." " Shall I tell you what is to do me good ?" " If you please." " Just another visit from my friend Miss M'Tavish." " From Miss M'Tavish, Ma'am !" " From Miss M'Tavish. She is the only person that understands my complaint, and she generally carries all the ingredients of cure along with her." THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 263 " Well, I should be apt to suspect Miss M'Tavish's skill in pharmacy, my dear Mrs Fife. But, as we are told of the Highland traditionary charms, the virtue sometimes lies in the mere belief." "Pray, what's the clock?" demanded Mrs Fife. " It is just five minutes to four." " Then what in the wide world can be keep- ing Eliza M'Tavish?" " She might have been here by this time." " Might have been here by this time ! But stay, hark ! wasn't that a noise? Do, my dear, go and inquire who it is. Yet stay, wait; let me listen. Don't you think it is somebody coming up stairs?" " I almost think so, my dear Mrs Fife." " If it be her, I should guess her to have got more than one pair of feet." " Perhaps I had better inquire." " Don't stir, for mercy's sake !" Miss Leslie stood on tiptoe, while the door below gave a long shriek. " Bless me ! how that drawing-room door 264 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. docs squeak. Do you know when the hinges were last oiled? — Well, Anne, whom have we got down stairs, eh ?" Mrs Fife had got Mrs Dudd, Miss Kicklc- cackle, and Mr Jonathan Hochytoch. Anne might have added the witch of Endor; for the apparition was equal, to the affrighted senses of Mrs Fife. " And so, this is the promised bunch of curiosities which, when dead, I am to have stuffed into mummies and placed in M'Farlane's repository ! And in exchange for whom I have promised to invite, call upon, and receive that young lady, Miss Edmonstone. Upon my word, you are a pretty contriver, friend Mad- rake !" " My dear Mrs Fife, didn't you talk whole days together about these people to Mr Mad- rake, and also insisted upon getting acquainted with the very young lady you have just men- tioned ?" " My dear girl, Mr Crimpfit's marriage, and Colonel Brown's intrigues, had put every thing THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 265 out of my head. But go your ways, Anne; I shall look at these wonders presently." " My dear Mrs Fife, you surely don't intend to leave your own apartment?" " My dear, I never felt so well in my life. Miss M'Tavish completely revived me yester- day ; and now to think that I have at last got those Dudds — those travelling punchinellos — in my power, has entirely restored me. And, by the bye, as you speak of returning to your grand- aunt next week, I think I shall go and look after certain folks, who, if they are not to be found in the World's-end Close, are not very far from the world's end itself." And Mrs Fife, having Miss Leslie's assistance, now descended in a bustle of impatience to the spirits below. No longer dark, mysterious, and impenetrable, the Dudd faction were come, under Madrake's all-delirious tutelage, not only to answer frankly, and at once, the quick shot artillery of Mrs Fife's inquiries, but to suggest intelligence at such points as had not yet had the advantage of being penetrated by that lady's activity. Mrs Dudd and her party were come to thank Mrs 266 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. Fife for her former civility; to express them- selves charmed with the wonders of Fife-hall, and the M'Farlane repository ; and to acknow- ledge, that the former lady had the honour of rearing in her home the two transplanted, yet flourishing shoots, Messieurs Vonpepper and M'Ginger, whose friends and fathers had been known to the late Mr M'Farlane, but who, through some unaccountable instinct or other, had hitherto contrived to elude the persevering vigilance of Mrs Fife. Mrs Dudd, it is true, had nearly fallen seve- ral times asleep during so terrible an exertion of turbulence and fatigue; but she had a power- ful auxiliary in the laughing tattle of Miss Kicklecackle, who amply regaled their indefati- gable inquisitor with every item and atom con- nected with, or relating to, the combustible lives of the two spices, M'Ginger and Von- pepper ; seconded in turn by an occasional grumph from Mr Hochytoch. In fine, lira Fife for once felt herself satisfied, and suffered the parties to depart without expressing any further inclination to see or hear of them again. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 267 To analyze this grand transaction, Mr Mad- rake had, while on a visit to his very inflamma- ble friends Vonpepper and M*Ginger, described Mrs Fife herself as a curiosity well worth Miss Kicklecackle's reperusal. Mr Dudd had ex- pressed himself, for the time, desirous of culti- vating patronage for the sake of extending the boarding system; while Madrake had had the dexterity likewise to inveigle Mr Hochytoch ; and the parts, so distributed, had forthwith been performed, agreeably to the hints above delivered. The following acknowledgment of Mrs Fife's satisfaction and content reached Madrake next morning. " Mrs Fife's compliments to Mr Madrake. Had no idea that his long promised lions should have turned out so very agreeable ; and that, in- stead of indescribables, she has seldom had the satisfaction of meeting more intelligible or agree- able people. " Mrs Fife begs leave to add, that she not only feels a desire, but a very great desire, to see Mr Madrake's friends (the Edmonstones), and 268 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. thinks she will be able to accompany him there some morning next week — Miss Leslie's depar- ture yesterday for Fife, and a number of ra- ther imperative engagements both at home and abroad, preventing her from fixing upon an earlier date. " A y Street, Wednesday." w " You will take and deliver this card to Mr Madrake, John, and see if possible to get it put safe into his own hands. I have no otlur message, except that I wish you to call and inquire for Mrs March mont ; to get me the first and last volumes of the three last novels, and the last number of the Magazine. You will also come home by Lady Methodical's, and endea- vour to find out who are to dine there, and whether Miss Methodical's ring has been found yet. — By the bye, didn't you wait table there last Tuesday ?" " And it was a sad day that, Mem." « Ay, — all the servants at two o'clock drank white brandy instead of table beer. — I can THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 269 scarcely believe altogether in the accident of the thing, John." " Weel, Mem, we'll no just say owre muckle about that ; or, as Bailie Nicol Jarvie would say, ' we'll let that flee stick to the waV " " But, by the bye, John, I don't recollect whether or not 1 happened to ask you who were all there." " There was a fine company, Mem." 11 But, John, who were they ? who were they ?" " There were five officers of the High- landers, and five of the Dragoons, Mr Horn Regular, and and a gentleman 1 canna recollect." " Was it Colonel Brown of Bertie?" " N — no. I canna exactly — that is, I dinna exactly recollect." " Was it any of the Master Hyndfords? Now answer me at once." " No." " Mr Aloof?" « No." " Lord Aloof?" 270 THE LAIRDS OF FIFF. « No." " Charles Suttie?" " No." "Sir George Terroi field ?" " That was something like it, Mem. " Colonel Akenside?" " No." « Mr Madrake?" " O, you know he's a kenn'd man, Mr Mad- rake, Mem." " John, you must not stir till you have told me. Or stay, could you not make some of the Methodicals remember about it ? They were surely not just so tipsy as all that, were they?" " They were past speaking, Mem — (which I wish were the case with somebody else.)" " Well, well, John, get you gone; and re- collect, Mr Madrake first; and, John, you must just run up the length of St David's-street, and give my compliments to Miss M*Tavish, and say that I expect her to take an early dinner with me to-day, at a quarter past four o'clock." " I have taken a notion, in the midst of all rny difficulties, to go back yonder" resumed THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 271 Mrs Fife, as that lady, true to her call, came in : " The people, you know, that I went to see the winter before last. But have you got any thing to say ? any thing to tell, Miss M'Tavish ?" Miss M'Tavish held her peace. She was fraught with a wonderful world of intelligence, but the fearful annunciation of their visit to the mysterious quarter sealed her lips. " I just thought, in the bustle I was in, I should never get it over," continued Mrs Fife, seating herself gravely at rather a scanty board. " But why won't you sit down ? The truth is, you and I can dine upon any thing, Miss M'Tavish ; and Mrs Gregory had no idea that I should have any body with me to-day." Miss M'Tavish looked rather bleak upon the back of this information. " But we shall have plenty of wine and water when we come back, — if the filthy air of these places does not choke us on the road ; and this drop good Madeira in the mean time. — You may leave the room, Willie." The two ladies sat munching their curryM 272 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. scraps in fearful silence, as if brooding over the performance of some desperate orgies, which an inevitable fate was now calling them to fulfil. At last Mrs Fife rose, and caught the bell-rope in her hand. She paused, however, upon this feat; and as she stood with her sharp eyes fixed upon the dull gloom of Miss M'Tavish's gog- gles, she seemed to revolve, like Carathis, some deep important purpose. " It will do no harm," she muttered at length ; and giving the cord the fatal impulse, she stole softly back to her chair. " Bring out that Dutch cordial, Willie, and another couple of glasses ; and you can take away after Miss M*Tavish and I are gone." " Perhaps, Ma'am, you will require the car- riage then ?" observed her other valet, who had frequently experienced in his own person the inconvenience of not being told of all that was wanted beforehand. " Carriage, John !" returned his mistress, plaintively. " No, no, John ; we shall want no carriages. Our business is by much too im- portant to be mixed up with parade. — And now THE LAIRDS OF FILE. 273 have done, if you please — Miss M'Tavish and I do not very much interest ourselves about smart polished tables." The two ladies now sat looking; at each other in dumb dejection. At length Mrs Fife gave the signal to march. "-Get on your mantle, if you please, Miss M'Tavish ; — and now be so good as help me on with mine: any thing will do on this occasion. Stay, I think we may as well allow ourselves just one little glass more of this Dutch stuff, if it were only to keep the cold from our feet; for really that old Madeira we had at dinner did not seem to me to have any taste — Are you partial to cordials ?" Miss M'Tavish replied by a most unspellable word of assent; with which, however, we dare say, the least recherche of our readers are more or less acquainted. " Good for the constitution, don't you think ? but don't say you a word more, for we must go ;" — and stealing softly along the lobby, and leaving lights to burn during their absence, the pair — and sure such a pair was never seen — vol. i. s 274 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. set out, like another Aladdin and his mother in search of the wonderful lamp. They continued to walk pretty steadily for- ward, stealing, however, an occasional elf-look at all that was going on, with an incidental peep into the different carriages as they drove past, till they arrived at a slippery lane communicat- ing between the Lawnmarket and the Earthen Mound, when both paused to take breath. " Oh ! this is awful, Miss M'Tavish ! and such a place ! I wonder we are not assassi- nated." " Assassinated, Mrs Fife ! Dear me, I think nothing of this; and let me tell you, much better folks than we have both lived and died in it." " Yes, Miss M'Tavish, they have died in it. Your father, I suppose, honest man, never lived to see the New Town ?" " No, he never lived to come to the New Town ; but be lived till he was ninety-six." " And your mother, what age was she when she died? — Hah ! now I breathe the air again. But where arc all the pyc-men, with their bells, THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 275 I used to see on this street long ago ? I think there was something very cheerful in that." " All abolished," said Miss M'Tavish, rather tartly replying to the question. " Frightened away, I suppose, by the gas." " O, long before that, I fancy. But indeed the gas lights are not so very accommodating for a poor body that wants to get a little business done ' upon the sly,' as my nephew John Tam- son says. — But I think this is the foot of the B~~— , is it not ?" M I suppose so, Miss M'Tavish." " And we go up that dark stair on the left hand, do we not?" " Exactly. — Oh ! monstrous me ! what a climb up ! Pray, how is Mrs Logan?" " In her ord'nar, Mem : But will ye no stap in?" Our two adventurers made, however, rather an awkward stap in — Mrs Fife having stumbled upon one of those groups of three descending steps, so common to old houses, into a small snug comfortable-looking parlour, where, on each side of the fire-place, sat two aged infirm 276 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. women, one of whom seemed to have been struck with palsy, and the other with a general fund of all sorts of diseases and infirmities. These individuals Mrs Fife now examined with an eager and intense curiosity, which, how- ever, had something of feeling in it; and she was going to take the chair which Miss M'Ta- vish's politeness now supplied, for the purpose of more calmly observing them, when her at- tention was directed towards a young man of a very gentle and interesting appearance, who sat buried in apparently profound study over a book. " Miss M'Tavish," she said in a whisper; " Miss M'Tavish, I would give the world to know what book it is he is reading- Poor Mrs Logan !" she added, approaching one of the invalids, " you do indeed look very bad." u Charles/' said the sick lady with a feeble effort; " Charles, it is Mrs Fife." Charles raised his eyes from the book with an expression half-pleased half-vexed. " My dear THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 277 Madam, I sincerely beg your pardon. Pray — pray, take a seat." " O yes, I shall take a seat. Miss M'Tavish, there, has just been handing me one, which of course did not disturb you, after my fall in the passage. — But, pray, don't inquire about it : It was nothing. And now, pray, how is your mother, and your aunt? and how have you been yourself? and what are Sandy and Willie doing? and what have you been all about? — But you can tell me nothing, I do think." " I intend to tell you every thing, Madam," replied Mr Charles Logan, " if you will give me leave," he added with a smile. " But how do you manage them all, I should wish to know?" " Well, then, Madam, I take as great care of my mother and her sister as possible : 1 keep Sandy and Willie still at school ; teach them their lessons at night; attend business through the day — In short, Madam, I do the best I can." " Very good, very good. But have you no debt over your head, Charles?" 278 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. H None, thank God ! none." " And only seventy pounds a-year?" M Seventy-five now, Madam." " Miss M'Tavish, is not all this very odd ? — Well, you are an excellent creature. And to think of you being left, too, with a mother, an aunt, two brothers, and a father to bury. — Poor man ! Really, that old gentleman, M'Farlane, might have done something for him ; but he had such an antipathy to every thing in the shape of poverty ! Was your father very ill pleased with the settlement, I wonder?" " My father's ill-health, Madam, and heavy misfortunes, left him but little time to think of so distant a connexion." " Ah, well, I dare say it was better that he did not think. But where's Willie and Sandy all this time? I am told they are two fine look- ing lads." " Gone to their arithmetical class, I believe." " And are they very clever ?" 11 That is a gift, Madam, not very well under- stood. But I believe their industry will more than supply the want of brighter talent." THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 279 " I hope it will ; for you don't intend to keep them up, do you? — But, my dear Miss M'Tavish, pray do not tease Mrs Logan, poor body ! with so many questions. How long have you been ill, Ma'am ?" " Since my husband's death; — but Charles, there," and a tear began to glisten — " Charles, there, would make me well if any thing could." " Ah, poor body ! just so. But, pray, had you a cough when you found yourself first laid up ? — I have one every season. Miss M'Tavish, do you think it was very bad this winter?" " Indeed, Ma'am, I am sure I scarcely recol- lect," answered Miss M'Tavish, in some con- fusion . " What? not recollect! Well, Miss M'Tavish, I should give the world to know what you are dreaming about?" " I rather thought it better," said Miss M'Ta- vish, hastily repairing her blunder — " but per- haps you might have found it fully worse." " Did I say that I had found it fully worse, Miss M'Tavish ?" " Really, Ma'am, I can't say." 280 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " Well, well, it does not signify; you make, at least, a very attentive nurse. But pray, Mr Logan, what rent do you pay for this hofte?" " Fifteen pounds, Ma'am." 81 Just my footman's wages ; and they are to be raised next term. — What servants do you keep? O, Miss M'Tavish, be so good as look your watch, and tell me what o'clock it is. I never can guess time." " It is half past eight," ventured Miss M'Ta- vish, who wearied to get away. 88 Half past eight ! no possible ! — Mr Lognn, do tell me what it is by your watch?" 88 Half past seven, Ma'am ; though I rather suspect Miss M'Tavish to be in the right," returned Mr Logan ; who had also, it may be supposed, tired of the visit. 88 Then we must go, Miss M'Tavish. Good night to you, Mrs Logan ; and good night to you, Mr Charles. — By the bye, pray mind and keep the two lads at their tasks. In the mean time" 1 shall be happy to see you, she would have said, but a principle of prudence restrain- ed her, for fear, as she herself often said, she THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 281 should * draw an old house about her ears;' and she merely added — " Take care of your mother. — But, pray, don't come down to the very foot of the steps — So, that'll do — Good night, good night. Eh, mercy! MissM'Tavish, how glad am I to have got over that visit ! There's no satisfaction to be found yonder. I used to send old Robert Mackay to watch them some- times; but every night was douce, and every night was alike." " Well, I daresay it's so much the better for themselves, poor bodies," observed Miss M'Tavish. " O, I agree with you, I agree with you; but give me your arm, Miss M'Tavish : I never saw the like of this street. Gracious ! what a pull !" " But won't you have a coach when we get to the top, my dear Mrs Fife ?" " O, not for the world. We must just slip quietly home. John has got me Mrs Gregory's key, and nobody's to be any the wiser of this awful tramp." Mrs Fife, ladies and gentlemen, had just been 282 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. to fulfil one of those very painful and harassing duties, called a visit to one's poor relations. Old Mrs Logan and she were cousin's 'chil- dren, though the latter lady wished to have the connexion thought even more distant. Never- theless Mrs Fife paid her friends the sort of visit we have just described, and there her clan- nish inclinations were supposed to stop. In fact, she believed that any particular attentions she might have shewn them would only have tended to mislead; and, moreover, she was not very much disposed to have her own personal dignity and consequence disturbed, since any little intercourse that had hitherto subsisted between them, had only originated in her desire to know, and to see, what they, as well as the rest of the world, were about. " Now we may be comfortable !" she ex- claimed, as she threw herself into a chair by the fire, after her weary expedition to the foot of the W B . " Now, my dear Miss M'Tavish, we may enjoy some rational conver- sation. It was on my mind that we should find them all like starved wasps, famished to death." THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 283 " And now, Willie, make haste with the coffee, will you ? — Do you like apricot jam, or guava, Miss M'Tavish ? But, for any sake, let me hear all about the Browns. That Miss I could never endure since the day I fainted, it seems, is going to be married." " O, it's all settled: I was just dying to tell you : And it's to be on Friday." « On Friday ?" « On Friday." " And the young gentleman's name — or ra- ther, who, and what is he?" " He's a Mr Maringle. " And who is Mr Maringle?" " The brother of a Baronet, but much richer, they say, as he inherits all the mother's money. In fact, I thought it had been that, that you had sent for me to speak about." M Did you really ? But what more about the match, pray?" " O, a great deal more." —"Well?" " Well, it seems that two carriages were ordered to be built, and one of them in a mis- 284 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. take. The Colonel wanted to put a stop to the marriage till he had got all this settled; but it seems the gentleman would not wait upon any account. Then the bride is to have fifteen hundred pounds worth of jewels purchased for her, and the half of her father's silver plate." " And no cash ¥* screamed Mrs Fife. " O yes ; some say fifty, some say sixty thousand pounds." " Then that will be more than she will ever get. But what sort of dress is she to wear? for any sake tell me about the dress." " Well, they say that that has not yet been decided — all the dresses are so uncommonly handsome, it seems. ,, " What ! has she more than one gown for the ceremony ?" " O, Ma'am, they say she has half a dozen ; and they also say, that they are all to be tried on upon the very morning, for fear of making a wrong choice the night before. — But, for my part, I confess I know nothing about these things. ,, " Nor I, for a long time," returned Mrs Fife. THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 285 " And does the young gentleman appear very fond of her, think you ?" " Very much so; and won't let her out of his sight, they say, for more than five minutes at a time." " There never was a silly Jenny but there was a silly Jocky : — You know that, I suppose ?" cried Mrs Fife. " That's very true ; and I think we have now an instance. — It's a most ridiculous match." " But what says the gentleman's family to all this, eh ?" " O, they seem all very agreeable ; and it is also said, that she is to stay all summer and win- ter at Castle Maringle, and then go to London in the Spring." " Ay ! Go to London in the Spring ?" " So I have heard ; though others again say, that they don't think that the new-married pair will agree a month." " What in the world can be the reason of that ?" — and Mrs Fife looked serious. " So fond of dogs, cards, and horses, it is said; and she so tenacious of her own comforts." 28G THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " Indeed ! — But pray, Miss M'Tavish, what are you about with the strings of your cloak ?" " The old adage, my dear Madam, the best of friends must part." " Ah, yes ; and perhaps you are afraid of walking home in the dark by yourself?" " Something of that kind. But, good night, Mrs Fife; I shall come and drink tea with you some evening next w r eek." " Well, I shall be happy to see you. But, pray, is there any thing particular in the way between this and next week ?" — " I declare it rains," cried Miss M'Tavish, getting into the lobby. " Heavy ?" " O, not very, I should hope. But, good night, good night. — You needn't trouble, John, with umbrellas ; I shall do very well without. — So good night, good night." " A good night, is it? — Stop, John, till I see. O heavens ! a perfect tempest ! just like the day of Mr Crimpfit's marriage— Luckily he always detested me !" THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 287 " Miss M'Tavish come again !" exclaimed Mrs Fife, hurrying aside a wicker basket choked to the brim with calling cards, visiting notes, recipes, hand-bills, and letters, with a perusal of the contents of which she was about to in- dulge herself between the acts of the breakfast. " What can be her motive for so early a visit? — My dear Miss M'Tavish, what's the matter?" " Miss Brown," answered Miss M'Tavish, taking breath, " is to be married on Friday ; and Miss Jemima Lumsdaine on Saturday." " Pray be seated, my dear Miss M'Tavish — But to what, and to whom ?" " To neither more nor less than a half-pay Lieutenant." " To a half-pay Lieutenant !" " It's the case. I had it from Miss Patch - well the dress-maker, my old friend, whom the Misses Gros-de-nap called in to assist." " Well, there never — never was such another match." '" I dare say there never xvas such another match." " But what say the father and mother?" re- sumed Mrs Fife. 288 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " Nothing." « Nothing?" " Nothing. The news, when first announced to them, made them speechless. But they got up their spirits a little, and are now, I am told, in high hopes of their son-in-law's honour and preferment through the help of a few thousand pounds ; for there is much speculation in the army now-a-days, I am told." " Amazing !" " Most amazing." " Most amazing and prodigious !" " Rather a little more extraordinary than Miss Brown's marriage yet, I suspect." " But the man-at-arms must be rich, Miss M'Tavish ?" " Not a sixpence. And, but for the Papa, must have shaken hands once more with the bride." " Well, Miss M'Tavish, you are a nice clever creature to have got all this intelligence since last night." " I believe the merit was all Miss Patch well's. She was down at me this morning by half-past THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. C 2S9 six o'clock. For it seems the thing is to be managed very close." " And for what?" " For particular reasons. I gave Miss Patch- well my solemn promise not to repeat them." " Indeed ! Well, something must be under all this." " You are right: there is a great deal under all this." " Well, then, get on." u You have heard the story of Nancy Ellis, have you not ?" " No; but I should give the whole world to hear it." M Well, in the whole world there is not such another adventure." " My dear Miss M'Tavish, don't trifle, I beseech !" " Well, Miss Nancy Ellis was some shop- wife's daughter, who having the luck to marry a man that for some piece of courtesy got knight- ed, Nancy Ellis came down, some twenty years after, not to visit her old acquaintance, but to despise them all, as Lady Fortuncwheel. VOL. I. T 290 THE LAIRDS OF THE. # There were some, however, who had risen like herself: these she treated with the most becom- ing and agreeable politeness, but received them all as utter strangers just introduced." " Wonderful ! But what has all this to do, pray, with the eldest Miss Lumsdaine and her marriage." " Why, my dear .Mrs Fife, this is precisely the way she intends to act." " But what can she do, poor thing?" " She is to know nobody, as the wife of a poor Lieutenant, but hopes to return as some Mrs General, and put every body to fear as well as to flight. In fact, the first intimation of the match to the uninitiated is to be found in the public papers. The bridal cake is to be an un- commonly small one, and only to be distributed amongst a few; while, to reduce the number of those who by right should be present at the marriage, the ceremony is to take place in the country. And to effect a still further separa- tion between the dame and her fashionable friends, the parties are to jink about here and there, along with the rest of the troops, till, THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 291 having rendered themselves at length, now and forever, inaccessible, they are to return in the manner described." " Miss Patchwell didn't tell you all this, did she?" " She did not. But a few visits < here and there,' and an additional cup of tea to some folks that you and I know of, gave me all the materials that were wanted : — and 1 think, if I am not mistaken, I know the folks, and for what they are fit." " You know every thing, I must confess; — a second edition of Mr Madrake. But I forgot to inform you, that I am just looking over a few things before I leave town for Fife !" " Leave town, my dear Mrs Fife !" " Yes: The weather seems fine; Miss Leslie can't be prevailed on to leave her aunt; and I really think, sometimes, that this place is too much for my distracted nerves." " Perhaps some day next week ?" " Next week ! my dear, I am going to-night. I want to surprise both Miss Leslie and her aunt; and intend pouncing upon them in a 292 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. moment, merely for the purpose of finding out what they really can possibly be about. One would think that an easy chair, and an old wife, could be no entertainment for a girl of Sophia Leslie's age and spirits." " O, she is remarkably quiet and good." " I know she is a remarkable favourite of yours; but I was just thinking all night, that I should like to know, after all, what she has got to amuse herself with. In fact, I do believe it is because I cannot live now-a-days very well with- out her, that I feel so little at ease in her ab- sence." " In that case, Ma'am, I had better leave you." " Why, yes: I have not got too much time left ; and then, I have to send excuses to Lady Methodical and Mrs Regular about their next month's Tuesday and Wednesday dinners; for they always take in the ladies — for variety's sake, I suppose — at the last. — But, good morning, good morning, Miss M'Tavish ; I think I hear Mrs Gregory's voice; and, you know, she leads me such an anxious life !" THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 293 CHAPTER XIV. " I have a long letter from C— tr — r, extremely affecting to us both, but exceeding wild, — more wild than witty. I begin to have apprehensions about that worthy friend." Letters of John Wilkes, Esq. " Dear Mrs Fife, " Being aware of your total want of curiosity about the fate of passing events, I have coaxed myself to give you some account of what is going on with that fallen-back descendant of my ancestors — old change-penny M'Pech. All the actors, in these our times, are running after him ; and in such various shapes and disguises, that they appear only to want you, to make up a company fit for the performance of a certain pseudo play I once went to see, called Punch. " There is a dark closet, as I have been told, in every family, and my dark closet contains just one hundred thousand pounds ; and it is in 294- THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. the mean time my wonder that yon, a party in- terested, should have remained so long indiffe- rent to such a vast disposable force. For cer- tainly such an event — in a quiet plain town like this, which owes its principal topics of conver- sation to more illustrious and active Regalities — ought to have been a subject of the last impor- tance to you, as it has been with the rest; even though your bad cold and inflammation, assist- ed by your incredulity, had lifted you half-way up to Heaven already. I wish you, however, rather to contrive, with your usual dexterity, to continue a little longer upon the earth ; to dis- miss your nasty cough ; and to exert yourself a little longer in looking after this fag-end of an old farthing — Josiah Munchcrum M'Pech. " Recommending you, therefore, in the mean time, to the universal providence of the sacred band of wasps, hornets, shrimps, and squills, I take my leave in pronouncing myself your very faithful servant, Theophilus Madrake. " P. S. — Pray do not read the above, but come over here as fast as possible ; as, if in time, THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 295 you will hear all about the queer report that is at present alive concerning old Mr I dare not say names. T. M." To account, however, in some respects, for the promulgation of this hopeful despatch, it will be first necessary, by way of prelude, to intro- duce our readers to that very fashionable-look- ing castle, No. — M Place, on the outer vomitory of which might be read the important name — had names been now in vogue — of Mr Josiah M'Pech ; the same asthmatic individual who had so lately emerged from that very under- ground and subterraneous laigh cellar some- where in 's Close, north side of the Cowgate-Port. This moving scion from the stock of M'Pech, however, might have expired where it had so long and unobtrusively flourished, but for one of those " rout him out" sort of occurrences, commonly denoted "a great fire," which pluck- ed him from his cranny, and, in its extra vio- lence, threw the wight amongst the more en- lightened planets inhabiting that sublime quarter 296 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. of the north-west corner of the New Town — M Place. Nevertheless, notwithstanding a descent from personages of so much antiquity as to be lost in time, Mr Josiah M'Pech was one of those non- acknowledged sort of individuals who belong to nobody, and to whom, in return, apparently nobody belongs, — whom no school or academy can boast the honour of having reared, — and who umquhile has come at all knowledge and intelligence by the stern path of lone immutable experience. It has been observed, that cunning supplies in some minds the place of wisdom, and that the weakest intellects have sometimes the instinct of self-preservation in a degree that surpasses the efforts of mere ordinary reason and reflection. It was this genius, then, that caused Mr M'Pech, in time, to employ the in- dustrious savings of his " laigh cellar" in more extensive and lucrative transactions; and, as he could always command a plentiful supply of money, was accustomed to feci his way, and cared not to infringe the economy of his life, his THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 297 finances had subsequently increased beyond all rational anticipation. Mr M'Pech was now, however, somewhat cramped with years and labour, an asthmatic cough, and rheumatism ; and he had already almost ventured upon the thought of retiring to a more peaceful asylum, when the fire arrived to cast him forth, as well as to consume, in its career, his whole stock, premises and utensils. It happened, too, that unless he exposed him- self and his transactions to the prying eyes of the mistress of a " ta'en room," there was no other habitation, within the circle of his own dominions, where he might henceforth rest his bones, but that vast and handsome structure to which we have already alluded, and which had just been purchased by him as good property in a good place. Mr M'Pech, then, tearing himself away from all that vast collection of dirt, dust, and rub- bish, which the purifying element so frequently leaves behind it, now repaired incontinently to that fair domum, in a little coiner of which had been hastily arranged as much new second- 298 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. hand furniture as would suffice for his present comfort. It happened, too, that the morning of removal was bright and fine ; and, as Mr M'Pech seated himself to enjoy this new scene of his existence, he thought, as the sun danced his merry beams of light and heat over the large windows of the apartment, that his lost vigour might yet perhaps be restored by in- dulging, at least for a while, in this fair seat of existence. His nerves, which had lustily with- stood all the conflagrations of the last half cen- tury, were not, moreover, so powerfully proof against the fire that had at length surrounded, and very nearly extinguished, himself; so that, having got his share of all the goodly pelf that was to be obtained by so long a residence in one part of the town, he might now, at his leisure, see what could be done in the other. The house which he now pretended to occupy was expected to sell well, so soon as the neighbour- ing mansions were all fitted up and inhabited, while the advance upon the purchase-money would sufficiently reimburse him for the sacrifice of a few years' rent. i; And," as he himself ob- THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 299 served to some old ragman in his suite, U I shall have auld Nelly Sampson to look after things. She's a great drinker, I ken, and no owre honest sometimes; but she's lucky. And ance, when she went aff to the shearing, wi' her tale, because I wouldna gie her aboon a penny for carrying- a thing they call a keg, I was rubbit o' six-and-thirty pounds ; so I swore, that want again she never should." Mr M'Pech — whom nobody knew, whom no- body had ever heard of, and whose property had run into too many opposite channels to excite the interested attentions of any one set of persons more than another — had no sooner, however, taken his station in the centre of the Athenian magnates, than "a quick as lightning" discovery was made of funds and properties, the amount of which, in the energy of popular ex- citement, was magnified from one up to a couple of hundred thousand pounds; while, at the same time, there issued forth a corresponding stream of relations, friends, and connexions, whose slumbering affections were now aroused 300 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. by the possible chances of so plentiful a succes- sion. This crowd of electrified dormants, then, consisted of seven-and-twenty individuals of all sexes, sizes, fortunes, ages, and descriptions. To several of these, the light that now shone around the fortunes of M'Pech served to dis- cover, that his grandmother and their's were cousins ; and some, that his great-grandfather and their's were cousin's children ; while others, again, were enabled to assert the fact, that his uncle's wife's son had married their uncle's father's aunt ; and that his cousin's daughter was niece to their step-father's son. The Lums- daines, amongst the rest, actually proved a rela- tionship ; while Mrs Fife contrived to establish herself amongst the intermarrying connexions. But the only true and faithful descendant was discovered to be Theophilus Mad rake, who proved himself at once grand-nephew, and con- sequently the nearest of blood. This much envied eclaircisscmcnt was not des- tined, however, to do the heir-apparent any ser- vice ; for his maternal grand- uncle, Mr M'Pech, THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 301 had no sooner seen him, than he suddenly ex- perienced all the symptoms of a mortal and in- vincible antipathy. Whether or not he shrunk from the quick glance of that penetrating eye which had detected faults in even faultless cha- racters, or followed, in avoiding him, the dic- tntes of that same superstition which had taught him to trust alone the fortune of that handmaid of happy memory, Nelly Sampson, we need not stop to discern. Madrake, though he wished it, could never afterwards obviate, far less over- come, the look of poisonous distaste with which he had at first been received and regarded. Mr M'Pech, however, had no such dislike to the host who now thought proper to pour in upon him; and, as he loved long stories, in which his vanity fancied that he should find himself interested, he listened to the long raked- up anecdotes and history of his family con- nexions with great seeming pleasure and satis- faction. If he rmd a preference, in the mean time, for any one in particular more than ano- ther, it was in favour of the Lumsdaincs, whose head had, in a pationiziug mood, been formerly 302 TJIL LAIRDS OF FIFE. very attentive to him. But here the corres- pondence stopped. Mr M'Pech would neither trouble himself to return Mr and Mrs Lums- daine's visits, nor even add any thing to the bare civility of his own abstract welcome. The next thing ascertained by the mob in the mean time was, that Mr M'Pech had made no will, nor seemingly even considered the neces- sity of taking such a step. Great management, therefore, must be required to get old change- penny to undertake the thing, without sacrificing the adviser's own interests in the matter. Still it was necessary to go on, while M'Pech's known detestation of Mad rake served as a motive for encouragement. The cabal accordingly began by a pretty round assertion of Madrake's hopes and expectations from his death ; which, they also ventured to affirm, Madrake had already presaged ; agreeing, in their zeal for his destruc- tion, to throw the blame of such an assertion from one to another, and vice versa, should ever the party thus scandalized think proper to make an impeachment. But there were many other difficulties to be overcome. Mr M'Pech had THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 303 always entertained an idea, that the making of a will was the making of a shroud; and though the party were sufficiently happy in exciting his suspicions, they could not, nevertheless, prevail with him to produce or execute the desired security in favour of themselves. But Madrake's own expectations were not in the least to be improved by so wonderful an event; and it was, therefore, merely from a de- sire to annoy the cabal which demanded his ex- clusion, rather than through any expected good in Mrs Fife's interference, that he had written the letter which we have just read soliciting her presence; for that lady, who had not left town when Mr M'Pech's resurrection first eclated, had already paid him a sort of random visit, in order to substitute her own private title to his love. Miss M'Tavish's marriages, together with her piratical invasion of Miss Leslie and her grand- aunt, had in the mean time occurred to cut the visit short. She was now, however, at lei- sure; and Madrake's eccentric epistle found the field unoccupied. The postscript, in particular, as it was addressed to her own particular genius, 304- THK LAIA06 <)I FH I . excited by far the greatest share of her atten- tion. 11 Wasps, — hornets, — shrimps, — squills ! ! !" she repeated, re-reading the passage with an immense additional accession of earnestness and deliberation — " Monstrous ! But what can they have to do with the business? I can understand every thing but the squills and the wasps. — Give me my writing-desk, John ; and tell Margaret I shall want her in my dressing-room imme- diately," * Here," she added, writing and coughing time about, " take this over to The Leazes. I want Miss Leslie to go to town with me directly, though, I declare, I am scarce able to stand. And, by the bye, John, when you are there, find out what they are all about; and whether they have any body staying with them just now; for I thought I saw something like a jaunting car pass here yesterday. — And d'ye hear, John," (recalling her flying Mercury), '* insist upon knowing what it is that is to prevent her, should there be any mistake about her not coming: THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 305" for, really, a journey in such weather, and to such a place, might well make her think." But Mrs Fife calculated right when she be- lieved that nothing was impossible for Miss Les- lie, whenever or wherever she could hope to please or oblige. That young lady arrived at the Hall, before Mrs Fife's own servant, who had paused at the tippling-house at the turn- pike, could return to give any account of his mission. " Well, my dear Sophia, are you ready to go to town?" was Mrs Fife's first salutation. " Quite ready, my dear Madam." " So dexterous !" said Mrs Fife, " I never met any body like you before. But how did it happen that you did not know what to make of yourself otherwise, my dear ?" " And yet I was not idle, my dear Mrs Fife." " Ah ! so adroit ! so indefatigably ingenious and expert ! — Pray, what were you about now ?" " You know the duties of a housekeeper, my dear Madam ; only that." " Only that ! my dear child, that is nothing. vol. i. u '306 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. See here ! look ! read this ! Now, what do you think / have got to do f* " It is very odd," said the young lady, " and the P. S. too, seems rather curious." " That P. S. hurries me to Edinburgh this moment, — sends me off like a shot. That cu- rious report, who can he mean by it? But I shall soon know ; for I would rather be at the bottom of that than touch M'Pech's two hun- dred thousand pounds, — though Madrake, by the bye, calls it only one. Still and on, whom he can possibly mean by Mr Blank, or what he intends that I should understand by a « curious report,' baffles, I will confess, my most plausible conjectures to comprehend." " You will be enabled to comprehend every thing soon enough, my dear Mrs Fife;" and Miss Leslie turned towards the fine arched win- dow, a little beyond which Mrs Fife's coach- horses were now industriously prancing to divert themselves. " O, are they all ready ?" exclaimed Mrs Fife, peeping over her shoulder. " I must ring lor Mrs Gregory. — Well, Mrs Gregory, I shall be THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 307 back — let me see — I really don't know when. Only, amongst other things, you must keep an account of every body that comes here; and watch well whether that young calf will, or will not, keep within the little wire paling ; for I shall be perfectly miserable till I know how it is to get on. Did it make any exertion last night?" " I shall inquire," said Mrs Gregory. " O yes, pray do inquire. Does that horse always get restless, Jacob ? It seems a most frac- tious beast. — My dear Miss Leslie, why do you prefer lying back in the carriage to sitting for- ward ?" " He's very quiet, for ord'nar, Mem. But to-day he will not be kept steady ony ways." " That is a trick of yours, Jacob. But I am not in just so great a hurry as you would wish me, for all that." " We can just let him alone then, Mem," said Jacob, descending from his seat, and ad- vancing upon the walk. " Have mercy on us ! we are killed !!!" vo- ciferated both ladies, as the horses ambled on with the carriage, in imitation of their master. 308 THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. " O, Jacob ! Jacob ! this trick is a hundred times worse than the first. — Pray, what were they like when they were toddling away without a head ?" " They were not likely to toddle far with such a tail," mumbled Jacob. But neither ladies had the benefit of the remark. Miss Leslie was ad- justing sundry parcels and boxes, which she had carried with her from The Leazes ; and her com- panion was now over head and ears in a host of cross-questions and inquiries concerning the more than suspected peregrinations of the unfatted calf, now confined within the tiny enclosures of the wire park, as it was styled, stretching away to the left of that resplendent edifice called Fife- hall; and from which she was only diverted by an intimation given by Jacob to John, and then from John to Jacob, that the parties were al- ready much too late for the last sailing steam- packet. " Too late, arc we? Then, Mrs Gregory, I must not answer you another word. I must first find out whether we really arc too late for THE LAIRDS OF FIFE. 309 the passage. — So, get on, get on. — Mrs Gre- gory ! Mrs Gregory !" Jacob's whipship, however, had by this time finally separated the two female economists; and the lady turned her artillery upon the de- fenceless Miss Leslie. Madame de Coigny is said never to have travelled without having first secreted a dead body in the boat of her car- riage ; and certainly it could not have been better, nor more completely dissected, than was the whole life, history, and occupations of this devoted young lady, who, on her part, would have gladly put up with any sort of body on this occasion, rather than that of her voracious and never to be satisfied acquaintance, Mrs Fife. END OF VOLUME FIRST. Walker & Greig, Printers.