822 
 H 332s 
 
A SAILOR AND HIS BRASS 
 
 A Fury Brain Horror. 
 
 I IT IFOUIR. SCIElsriES- 
 
 Capel Haynes. 
 
 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 
 
 F. CHIFFERIEL & CO. 
 
 31 to 37 Cursitor Street and 38 Chancery Lane, London. 
 
 1883. 
 
Dramatis Personce. 
 
 Harry Brighton . . (a Young Sailor) 
 
 Walter Carruthers (a Country Squire) 
 Richard Kingston . . (his Cousin) . 
 
 Michael Orton ... (a Farmer) . 
 
 Mary (his Daughter) 
 
 Esther (her Half-Sister) . 
 
 Her Baby (sex unknown) . 
 
 Darby (a Country Girl) 
 
 Bob Downey .... (a Cabman) . . 
 
 Green .... (Member of a Secret Society) 
 Bradley . . \ 
 
 Hurt . . . L (Conspirators) . 
 
 Connell . . j 
 
 Turnips (A Stowaway) . 
 
 The Telephone 
 
 Dairymaids — Rustics — Conspirators — Sailors — Policemen — 
 Detectives — Crowd . 
 
 Scene I. — FARM AND ORCHARD, 15 Miles from 
 Town. 
 
 Scene II.— OUTSIDE DOWNEY’S HOUSE. Night. 
 Scene III.— THE “ ALBATROSS ” AT SEA. 
 
 Scene IV.— THE DAIRY FARM. 
 
%X r l. 
 
 H32>2s 
 
 TO THE PUBLIC . 
 
 The Author begs to inform the Public that many of the inci- 
 dents of this Piece are based on information that came to his ear 
 alone , simply because he has special sources of Dynamitic 
 intelligence quite unknown to Scotland Yard and the Police 
 generally. 
 
 The Author, having engaged his own Special Conspiritorial 
 Telephone (No. i.on the list), will apprise the Public of all future 
 Nitro-Glycerine effects, in order that it may be there to see. 
 
 The Author, having noticed a generally fatigued expression on 
 the faces of burlesque audiences, as a rule, and ascribing same 
 to the depressing influence of antediluvian and prehistoric puns, 
 has endeavoured carefully to avoid all witticisms, and feels con- 
 fident that he has so far succeeded that this piece may be left with 
 confidence on the drawing-room table by parents and guardians as 
 not likely to be perused ; but, if perused, they may feel assured 
 there is nothing therein that can cause a blush on the cheek of 
 innocence, or a passing cloud to shame the brow of purity. 
 
 The Author takes this opportunity, in anticipation, of thanking 
 the Press for their adverse criticisms, and of expressing how 
 thoroughly satisfied he is with the scathing diatribes his puerile 
 production may hereafter provoke. 
 
 Hanwell, 
 
 Nov . i 1883. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 
 Scene. — Fagade of the National Theatre , extravagantly posted with 
 advertisements. Figure of the present Lessee in place of Shakespeare' s 
 statue. 
 
 Flourish of Trumpets. (Enter Showman, beating. drum.) 
 
 Ladies and Gentlemen, I thump this drum 
 
 To let you know I’m here, so come ! come ! come ! ( Strikes drum.) 
 
 Come, see my show, your money quickly pay. 
 
 You do not have such chances every day. 
 
 This is no minor show, of doubtful fame — 
 
 Puffed up and praised by chicken and champagne ; 
 
 This is the finest show in all the fair, I know, 
 
 And of it I’m the happy Impresario, 
 
 So I can say, in spite of contradiction, 
 
 No tale like this we tell, in fact or fiction, 
 
 Was ever seen. The interest, I am certain, 
 
 Is quite sustained from rise to fall of curtain. 
 
 But stay ! I fear my trumpet now I blow — 
 
 An action which / look upon as low — 
 
 For, spite of captious critic’s fume and fuss, 
 
 There’s no more modest man than Gatling Gus ; 
 
 But still I think it only right to say, 
 
 “ Honour where honour’s due ” is but fair play. 
 
 Thus, if an author bring his piece to me, 
 
 And in his writings I some merit see, 
 
 I to his work just add some touches grand, 
 
 And make his name renowned throughout the land. 
 
 All authors I should rob of daily bread, 
 
 Were I to write but half what’s in my head ; 
 
 So, to their works, I only add my name, 
 
 Which gives them power, wealth, renown, and fame. 
 
 Still, though I give my talents without stint, 
 
 I have my wish — I see my name in print ; 
 
 And for expense, not one small jot I care 
 So I can see my image far and near. 
 
 As sailor now, then soldier, brave and tall ; 
 
 As Roman, convict, slave, I’ve tried them all. 
 
 You soon shall see me mounted on a hunter, 
 
 And then as bishop, clown, or peer, or punter. 
 
5 
 
 They say that Shakespeare’s day is gone and past — 
 Wait till I renovate his works — they’ll last 
 For ever. Kindly mark you what I say : 
 
 They’ll last for ever, aye ! and for a day. 
 
 In every town — in Paris, London, Cork, 
 
 Vienna, Petersburg, Berlin, New York, 
 
 On every hoarding, cab, or boat, or bus — 
 
 “ Hamlet,” by Shakespeare and the gallant Gus ; 
 
 And to ensure their being finely staged, 
 
 All talent in the world I have engaged — 
 
 Yes ! have engaged them ! players ! princes ! peers 
 For the full space of five-and-twenty years 
 (For now, though strange, ’tis true, upon the stage 
 The noble amateur’s all the rage; 
 
 The public ask, and I cannot deny ’em, 
 
 They ask for amateurs, and I supply ’em.) 
 
 So every genius that the World may see 
 Within that time, they all belong to me ; 
 
 And of my glory never to be shorn, 
 
 I have engaged each genius yet unborn — 
 
 From east to west, Southend to Trichinopoly, 
 
 Of genius, I’ve the absolute monopoly. 
 
 Walk up ! walk up ! to merit don’t be blind. 
 
 “ All fees are now abolished,” bear in mind; 
 
 Thousands of pounds by this I lose each year. 
 
 To please my patrons is my only care. 
 
 I hope to shortly give “ Admission Free ! ” 
 
 Providing gratis, dinner, lunch, and tea. 
 
 (Exit.) 
 
 V 
 
 
 H> 
 
 4 
 
 4 
 
A SAILOR AND HIS BRASS 
 
 SCENE I. 
 
 Farm and Orchard — 15 miles from London. 
 
 House and Porch, l. Trees with Property Apples , l. Fence and Road , 
 &c., on flat. Two Pumps , r. 
 
 Dairymaids holding pails at pump to other dairymaids , who are pumping 
 water into them. Farm labourers group r; sing to maids as they fill 
 pails. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Dairy maids ye — so rustic and coy 
 Ye captivate each farmer’s boy, 
 
 Thus filling your pails, ye teach us how, 
 
 Not cows to water, but water to cow ; 
 
 Girls Yes ! filling our pails, we’ll show you how, 
 
 Not cows to water, but water to cow. 
 
 Men Yes ; filling your pails, you’ll show us how 
 Not cows to water, but water to cow. 
 
 Country Dance. (Exeunt, r.) 
 
 Enter Richard Kingston. 
 
 Kings What means this joy, I know not. But I know, 
 
 I am the villain of this piece, and so 
 ’Tis fit I roll my eyes, my forehead crease, 
 
 For why ? I am the villain of this piece. 
 
 The squire’s cousin I, by different mothers, 
 
 My name is Kingston ; his name is Carruthers. 
 
 We both love Mary Orton — awkward rather, 
 
 Especially her agricultural father ; 
 
 His other daughter Esther, Mary’s sister, 
 
 I met some ago, and — well — I kiss’d her. 
 
 More you will know anon. Now to remove 
 My awkward cousin, and declare my love. 
 
 (Looks l.) Ha ! some one comes — ’Tis fit I should be wary. 
 (To audience) Meanwhile — the lady coming is my Mary. 
 
 (goes up bach) 
 
 Enter Mary from Porch l. (reading letter.) 
 
 Mary It is from Harry, my own dashing Harry, 
 
 The mariner, I am engaged to marry, 
 
 An universal genius - quite a Crichton ; 
 
 He’s mentioned in the bills as Harry Brighton. 
 
 Another such there is not in the “ World,” 
 
 His “ Pluck,” his “ Freedom,” and his “ Youth,” a girl’d 
 U’d like to find in one man all comprised, 
 
 Especially when properly advertized. 
 
7 
 
 That people say as through the fields we pass, 
 
 Till further notice — “ The Sailor and his Lass.” ( takes stage) 
 What says this letter ? 
 
 ( Opens and reads) (Richard Kingston listens) 
 “ Four Bells, off the Lizard, 
 
 Foggy and squally,” Harry dear, it is hard ! 
 
 (presses l tter to bosom ) 
 (Reads) “ Course, east by west, upon the starboard tack, 
 
 Oh ! Mary, Mary, soon I shall be back. ( kisses letter) 
 
 ’Tis but a few more seas I have to cross, 
 
 In this confounded ship, the “ Albatross.” 
 
 E’en as I write, I see the lights of Dover, 
 
 We’re fetching Gravesend, and are half seas over, 
 
 We all have more aboard than we can carry ; 
 
 Good night, my love, yours nautically, Harry.” (sits) 
 Kings, (aside) This shall unto the Squire. T will provoke him. 
 There’ll be a row, and Harry, mayhap, choke him ; 
 
 And if he do, ’tis thirteen to the dozen 
 
 That I will make but short work of my cousin. [exits) 
 
 (Music Harry. “ Jolly Young Waterman .”) 
 
 (Enter Harry Brighton ; rushes to Mary ; embrace. Walzes round 
 stage extravagantly ; kisses her ; and short hornpipe.) 
 
 Har. “ What ho ! my trim built wherry, gallant craft, 
 
 Cruise gaily o’er love’s ocean — wind abaft. 
 
 (Looking round) Mary, you’ve got a pleasant little nook here, 
 Your sailor lover gladly drops his hook here, 
 
 Obtaining here from future cares nepenthe, 
 
 With this our motto dolce far niente. 
 
 Song 
 
 Mary My admirable Henry, may I ask 
 What train you came by ? 
 
 Har. Yes love — easy task ; 
 
 No train at all ; ’tis a short journey down ; 
 
 Remember you’re but fifteen miles from town. 
 
 But fifteen little miles — an easy course 
 Unto a London cabby and his horse. 
 
 (Looking off) There stands his cab ; the mare stands rather 
 sadly ; 
 
 Sixpence a mile his fare — he’ll not fare badly. 
 
 I’ve told him that he’d better put his hoss up ; 
 
 As for some beer we did a fly and toss up. 
 
 He’s going to drive me back. 
 
 Mary Oh ! Harry. No ! 
 
 I thought you’d stay at least a week or so. 
 
 (They go to seat l — embrace extravagantly) 
 
 Har. And so I would, but duty calls me hence ; 
 
 And, though I love you with a love intense, 
 
 When duty calls — you know my little beauty — 
 
 “ England expects each man to do his duty.” 
 
 Mary Well do yours then, and stay a little longer. 
 
 Har. My love is great. But still my duty’s stronger. 
 
 But now, my Mary, as awhile we sit, 
 
 Oh ! let us please the gallery and pit. 
 
 I go just one more voyage — when I return 
 We’ll splice the love-knot, and our letters burn. 
 
8 
 
 Yes, I will buy a farm, and give up sailoring, 
 
 While you shall at my buttons do some tailoring ; 
 
 And as at night we hear the tempests roar, 
 
 I’ll spin you yarns you’ve often heard before ; 
 
 And as you nurse our baby boy. 
 
 Mary Oh, Harry ! 
 
 What talk about a baby ere we marry ? 
 
 Har. (kisses her ) Forgive me, love— but sailors have such ways, 
 On easy helm they’re apt to miss their stays. 
 
 Mary ( indignantly ) Sir, I’m a lady, though a farmer’s daughter ; 
 My education’s of the finest water ; 
 
 Chopin on the piano ; school of cookery ; 
 
 Painting on china; high art work and bookery. 
 
 I’ve passed the Cambridge middle ; done all crams, 
 
 And always romp in first at all exams ; 
 
 In study deep, put intellectual spurt on ; 
 
 And now can call myself B.A. of Girton. 
 
 Remember this ; use no expressions shady, 
 
 But look upon your Mary as a lady. 
 
 Har. Well, make it up. (kiss wildly) I’ll mind my P’s and Q’s and 
 No longer talk like they in Black-Eyed Susan. 
 
 (looks off) But here comes Downey looking rather flabby. 
 Mary Oh ! What a funny looking, quaint old cabby. 
 
 Mary He looks as if his throat with dust doth parch, 
 
 ’Tis fifteen miles from here to Marble Arch ; 
 
 That’s rather stiff, but he was on the job ; 
 
 (Downey enters) I’ll speak to him. What ho ! my trusty Bob. 
 Down. Trust ye a Bob ; not me, I want fifteen, 
 
 Shilling a mile, at least, from Kensal Green. 
 
 But there, there — you’re a jolly chap I know, 
 
 And on a poor old cabby won’t play low ; 
 
 For when I sees a gent, I knows him too. 
 
 Don’t mind the fare, I leaves it all to you. 
 
 (To Mary) There, miss! I’m sure you’ll pardon an old 
 cabby, 
 
 Who was an old man when you was a babby. 
 
 You’re her as he's engaged to, ain’t you ? Eh ! 
 
 I thought you was, miss ; well, it ain’t my lay 
 Congratulation generally, none the less, 
 
 I hopes you’ll ’low a cabby to express 
 His hearty wishes that you’ll both be blest 
 With “ ’ealth and happiness,” and all the rest ; 
 
 But as this speechifying makes one dry, 
 
 I’ll drink your health, and come back by-and-bye. (Exit) 
 
 Mary and Harry exit into House l. 
 
 Enter Green at Gate. 
 
 Grn. This is the place I’m sent to, here to sow 
 Rebellious notions, dynamitic woe ; 
 
 To spread sedition in the pastoral mind, 
 
 And make a Guy Fawkes of each labouring hind. 
 
 I’m an Invincible, at least I mean 
 I’m an invincible, invisible green. 
 
 I don’t know how I talk, but as a spouter 
 The brotherhood dub me an out-and-outer. 
 
 Here comes old Orton, and his labourers too, 
 
 I get up oration to the crew. 
 
 (Business) 
 
9 
 
 [Enter Farmer Orton from Cottage Porch l. Enter Labourers and 
 Dairymaids. Orton shakes hands with Green, and invites 
 him to address crowd.) 
 
 Grn. Friends, Romans and countrymen, “ Impulse” compels me to 
 say, you are — you know you really are [hear, hear). By the 
 great kindness of your worthy employer, this venerable and 
 valued Cincinnatus, whose hoary locks and whose ploughed 
 and harrowed visage [points to Orton) betoken the brow of 
 honest toil. I say, by his great kindness I am invited to 
 address you on the sacred rights of labour as against the 
 oppression, the tyranny, of that despicable and tyrannous and 
 bloated Oligarchy, who, in their iron rule, would fetter the 
 noble souls of your imprisoned yet soaring selves [hear, 
 hear). (Green pauses and forgets.) I repeat, your imprisoned 
 and soaring selves ; but, while repeating your imprisoned and 
 soaring selves, let us not forget the Oligarchy, that bloated 
 Oligarchy that would draw you into its meshes and trample 
 on your rights, forgetting that in a neighbouring land— a 
 few thousand miles only to the westward across the ocean 
 blue — there is a sangineous bird of freedom that, like an 
 eagle in its airy nest, is watching that lamb-like — I mean 
 that wolf-like — tyrannical Oligarchy to sweep down upon it 
 and take it away [cheers). Oh, then, freemen as you are 
 and free women as you are, will you be swooped down upon 
 by the rich eagle and taken away [great cheers). 
 
 (Harry and Mary have meanwhile entered. Harry goes to the rostrum 
 and addresses the crowd .) 
 
 Har. Don’t listen to that swab, he’s a fool ! Listen to me. When 
 first I went to sea I shipped on board a penny steamboat that 
 traded between London Bridge and Lambeth, and it was my 
 duty to call out to the engineers, under the captain’s orders, 
 whether they were to stop her, or to ease her, or to go 
 astern. Well, there was a mutiny on board, and the 
 mutineers threw the captain overboard. What was the 
 result ? Why, nobody on that ship knew whether to stop 
 her, or to ease her, or to go astern, and she went astern. 
 Everybody was drowned ; not a soul remained alive to tell 
 the tale, and that is what will happen to you if you allow that 
 lubberly agitator to persuade you to take charge of the ship 
 of State ; each claiming equality ; each throwing the captain 
 off the bridge ; and each not knowing whether to stop her, 
 or to ease her, or to go astern [groans). 
 
 Ort. Don’t mind him, friends, he’s young; he’ll soon know better. 
 You’ve had some politics, now have a wetter. 
 
 Grn. Hear ! hear ! A drink ; but still before I go 
 I’d like to clear expenses, don’t you know. 
 
 [Goes round with hat) Drop in a penny and the figure works. 
 And unto him who now his tribute shirks, 
 
 I’d say — farthings do not work this figure. 
 
 (Strikes attitude) And so support your Land League by a 
 Biggar. 
 
 [The rustics put coin into his hat ; he comes c.) 
 
 Grn. “ I cleared my ex.’s.” Well that’s not so bad ! 
 
 Har. Well then clear out f 
 
 Mar. Oh, never mind that cad, 
 
 He’s nothing. 
 
IO 
 
 “ Cad ” eh. But a time will come. 
 
 A “ cad ” indeed ; meanwhile, I must be mum. ( Goes ut> } &c.) 
 Come, come, my lads, don’t quarrel ; take a cup ; 
 
 See here’s your drink, so let us all drink up. 
 
 (General sing , dance t and exeunt.) 
 
 Enter Kingston. 
 
 Kings. So farmer Orton preaches ’gainst the squire, 
 
 Now out of this, some mischief I’ll conspire. 
 
 (Looks off) But who is this ? It seems my lot to-day 
 To always hear that “ Footsteps come this way.” 
 
 Ha ! ha ! ’tis Esther — she whom I betrayed ! 
 
 And with her is a child. I’m half afraid 
 There’ll be a row; for, should she see her pa, 
 
 He’ll ask the name of the paternal da 
 Of that same infant. She may then confess 
 I am the cause of all her sore distress — 
 
 What shall I do ? I know — dissemble rage — 
 
 Follow directions, and retire up stage, (retires up stage.) 
 
 Slow Music. (Enter Esther, with child.) 
 
 Est. My old, old home — and that the old, old door — 
 
 And this the old, old pump. No more, no more, 
 
 My pretty babe — my popsy. 
 
 Enter Orton. 
 
 Ort. Esther ! You ! 
 
 How dare you come, and bring your baby, too ! 
 
 ’Tis not respectable ! 
 
 Est. Oh ! Father, dear ! 
 
 What, tho’ indeed you thought my conduct queer, 
 
 I am your daughter, father. 
 
 Ort. (wrathfully) Oh ! say rather 
 
 ’Tis a wise child that now knows its own father. 
 
 I am a British farmer, and as such 
 I’ve educated you, at least, and as much 
 As those above you : You the piano play ; 
 
 Likewise you went a-driving every day ; 
 
 Made calls ; lawn-tennis ; tea at five o’clock ; 
 
 Church decorations ; curates — the whole stock 
 Of dull amusements, sanctioned by society. 
 
 We taught you in monotonous variety. 
 
 Your sister Mary — she’s a girl indeed, 
 
 And shows the influence of superior breed ; 
 
 On her I don’t regret the school bills spent, 
 
 But you ! You jade ! You flirted, and you went 
 With a vile swell — curses where’er he be ! 
 
 Est. ( loudly ) Curse not this child’s papa, pa, but curse me. 
 
 Ort. Breathe but the villain’s name, and I’ll him strangle. 
 
 Est. (drawing herself up proudly) At all events, his ma don’t drive 
 a mangle. 
 
 Ort. Just give me but his name— his club — his card, 
 
 And I’ll forgive you. 
 
 Est. Never ! 
 
 Ort. Then debarred 
 
 Are you for ever from your father’s heart, 
 
 And hear my malediction ere we part : 
 
 Hence from my eyesight 
 
 Grn. 
 
 Ort. 
 
II 
 
 Enter Harry and Mary. (Mary and Esther fall into each others 
 
 arms.) 
 
 As for this brat of yours — 
 
 Har. For shame old man, thus to address a cat of yours ! 
 
 Much less a daughter ! 
 
 Ort, Don’t you interfere ! 
 
 You aren’t my son-in-law yet ! So see here ! 
 
 You stick to Mary ! Don’t mind Miss Esther ! 
 
 Of these two weeping shes, she is the best her. 
 
 Mary, (goes to child) Ah ! Let me kiss the babe ! 
 
 Est. Hands off! Don’t touch 
 
 My little offspring that I love so much. 
 
 (To her father) And as for you, you discontented farmer! 
 You stoic parent of a melodrama ! 
 
 I’ll bide my time, and you’ll forgive me yet 
 In the last act — you know you will — you bet. 
 
 Meanwhile I’ll black my eyes, and white my face, 
 
 And drag about this badge of my disgrace 
 Thro’ every scene. I’ll sob, I’ll sigh, I’ll falter, 
 
 What though you cut the last act, I won’t alter — 
 
 So there, (going). 
 
 Har. Oh ! Come with me ! I sail on Sunday, 
 
 In the ship “ Albatross,” say towards Fundy — 
 
 Or what place rhymes with Sunday — I don’t know — 
 
 But in that distant land to which I go 
 
 You'll find a home, and friends both loyal and true 
 
 (At least I hope you will), so come, now, do ! 
 
 Est. But what says Mary ? 
 
 Mary. Go with Harry. Zealous ! 
 
 Believe me, strange to say, I am not jealous. 
 
 Est. I take your offer, but I’m rather shabby 
 To go to town with you. 
 
 Har. Pooh ! Hi there ! cabby, 
 
 Enter Downey. 
 
 Har. Excuse me, Esther, if I speak in prose. 
 
 But really your remark about your clothes 
 Is far too good an opportunity to be lost in this highly 
 virtuous Black-Eyed William Susan role that I am now 
 assuming ; foi , believe me, the man who would not escort 
 a woman under difficulties, though clad in comparatively 
 speaking nothing at all, and that in shreds, deserves to 
 be stigmatised as an individual whose name should be struck 
 out of the transpontine Navy List, let alone the Honorable 
 Society of Nautical Melodrama. 
 
 (Takes Stage) 
 
 Mary. b Isn’t it lovely just to hear him speak. 
 
 Down. He’s like a lawyer when before the beak 
 
 Pleading for cabbies, whose behaviour’s shady 
 In charging double fares to some poor lady 
 Within the radius. 
 
 Har. Hurry up, Bob Downey; 
 
 “ Saddle White Surrey ” ; no, I mean the powney ; 
 
 To speak in rhyme — come quick put to the hoss ; 
 
 Heave up the anchor. 
 
 Down. I’m a going boss, 
 
 I shan’t be half a second. 
 
 (Exit) 
 
12 
 
 Mary (to Harry, embracing ) Oh, good-bye ; 
 
 Take care of Esther and her baby — try 
 To think of Mary as you sail the sea, 
 
 Flirting with Esther, as you can’t have me. 
 
 Har. and Est. We will, dear Mary, always think of you. 
 
 Mary. Go before father comes; now pray, dear, do. 
 
 Concerted Piece. 
 
 Harry, Esther, and Child, exeunt. 
 
 Mary. I don’t quite like it ; still, I’ll trust my Harry, 
 
 She not deceased wife’s sister, so can marry ; 
 
 But there, they can’t get married out at sea, 
 
 So I’m quite happy now, to go to tea. (Exit) 
 
 (Enter Orton from door , with pewter pot and pipe ; he is 
 slightly intoxicated.) 
 
 Ort. Esther, my child, don’t go ; your pa was joking. 
 
 (Stumbles and breaks pipe in his mouth.) 
 If pa don’t look out out — pa will soon be choking. 
 
 I wonder where she’s got to — spiteful hussy, 
 
 Taking her baby with her, what a mussy. 
 
 (Sits, lights his pipe and drinks — gets maudlin.) 
 My pretty babe — my Esther — to go wrong, 
 
 Who as a child I dandled with a song ; 
 
 Played katchee, katchee ; bought her jumbles too ; 
 
 And in the evening played at pickaboo. 
 
 Song — Pickaboo, and Dance. 
 
 ( Getting wrathful) Give me his name, I say ; give me his name, 
 I’ll have his blood, and spoil his little game ; 
 
 I’ll smash — (Knocks against Kingston who is entering) 
 
 Beg pardon, Mr. Kingston. You 
 
 Forgive a poor old man whose child’s untrue. 
 
 Kings. Still harping on his daughter, now’s my chance. 
 
 I’m sorry for poor Esther (looks at him) ; 
 
 Ort Why that glance ? 
 
 There’s something in your eye. 
 
 (Kingston takes out handkerchief and mbs eye,) 
 
 I don’t mean dirt 
 Or eyelashes or anything to hurt ; 
 
 I mean there’s an expression that tells me 
 You know who ruined Esther. 
 
 Kings. My good man, she 
 
 Kept her own secret, went her way— I mine ; 
 
 I don’t know where she is. 
 
 Ort. That’s very fine ; 
 
 I’m not so sure of it. 
 
 Kings. Can he suspect ; 
 
 Doth he the guilty truth in me detect ; 
 
 Hath she betrayed me ? This old boy I’ll ply, 
 
 And try the virtue of my other eye. 
 
 Ort. Well, out with it, sir, 
 
 Kings. Out with what, my eye ? 
 
 Ort. The truth. 
 
 Kings. You’ll learn that bye and bye, 
 
 (Sings carelessly) — “ Says the Squire to Maria 
 Your charms I do admire,” 
 
13 
 
 Ort. The squire — your cousin — W. Carruthers, 
 
 Ye doubtful issue both of different mothers, 
 
 My landlord, who now grinds me in his clutch, 
 
 And wants to raise my rent, that’s now to much, 
 
 To raise my rent to gratify his pelf ; 
 
 Well, let him raise my rent, I can't myself , 
 
 Who comes here daily — masher, stick, and choker 
 Breaking my daughter’s heart ; puts in a broker 
 To break mine too ; Ah ! then it is the squire 
 Who robbed me of my daughter ! 
 
 Kings. Calm your ire. 
 
 I did not say the squire. I said the squire 
 
 Made love unto Maria, and that Maria 
 
 Was simply the subject of the love of the squire. 
 
 Ort. Ha! Ha! you juggle, sir, but wait you’ll see ! 
 
 Enter Mary at door 
 
 Mary. Papa, papa ! Why don’t you come to tea. 
 
 (Exeunt Mary and Orton.) 
 
 Enter Carruthers. 
 
 Car. What ! Kingston ! You here ! You have got a nerve 
 To come a poaching on to my preserve. 
 
 Keep your side of the street, and pray be chary 
 How you come hanging round here after Mary. 
 
 King. Haughty young puppy ! But a time will come ; 
 Meanwhile it suits my purpose to be dumb. 
 
 Cousin, you are a gentleman ! Good day ! 
 
 I think I’ll go, for “ Footsteps come this way.” (Exit, r.) 
 
 Enter Mary from porch, not seeing Carruthers. 
 
 Mary Pa’s very tight and cross — I feel heartbroken 
 Now that to Harry I have farewell spoken. 
 
 If I’m not his, I’ll never be another’s. 
 
 Car. Excuse me, Mary. 
 
 Mary. Oh ! Mister Carruthers ! 
 
 Car.. Oh, drop the formal Mister. Call me Walter. 
 
 My love for you I swear shall never falter ; 
 
 For you alone I live ! I hope ! I dream ! 
 
 Come to these arms. (Embraces her.) 
 
 Mary Unhand me, or I scream ! 
 
 Car. Oh ! Spurn not thus my passion irresistable. 
 
 Harry appears at gate ; rushes to Carruthers and flings him r. 
 
 Har. Shiver my timbers ! By all that’s fistable, 
 
 Come on ! I saw this pirate entering the gate ; 
 
 Had my suspicions ; told the cab to wait. 
 
 Please go inside, this is no scene for you. 
 
 Ort. Mary ! {Enter Kingston.) 
 
 Mary. Coming father, be careful what you do, 
 
 Don’t fight with him, dear Harry. 
 
 Har. (Hands her into house.) Never trouble. 
 
 Car. Sir, you’re a scoundrel. ( Offers to strike him.) 
 
 Har. What ! You swabby cub, I’ll 
 
 Smash you till you can’t see, had I my wishes 
 I promptly make you food for crabs and fishes. 
 
 (Business. — Kingston interferes and drags off Harry.) 
 
14 
 
 (Enter Orton.) 
 
 Ort. So, you’re the cause of all my woes parental, 
 
 You ruined Esther. 
 
 Car. Strikes me a screw loose mental 
 
 Is what’s amiss with you, of Esther I know nought, 
 
 And never did on her bestow a thought. 
 
 I’m courting Mary ! 
 
 Ort. Villian do you dare 
 
 To talk to me like this ; pray have a care. 
 
 Marry my daughter Esther, or your life 
 Shall answer for it, if she’s not your wife. 
 
 Car. Look here, old man, I don’t know why you drivel ; 
 
 Remember, I’m your landlord, so be civil. 
 
 Ort. Be civil — I can’t bear it any longer ; 
 
 Though I am old, we’ll see who is the stronger. 
 
 (Takes out knife. Burlesque combat. Orton stabs Carruthers as 
 Kingston enters.) 
 
 Ort. (recoiling from dead body.) What have I done ? 
 
 Kings. You’ve killed my cousin dead. 
 
 Ort. (rushing off.) I’ve kill’d the squire ; his blood is on my head. 
 Kings. Then wash it off, the foul sanguineous dirt, 
 
 But I forgot v to Carruthers.) What ! Walter are you hurt. 
 Here help ! The squire lies weltering in his bleed 
 
 (Enter Mary, Orton, and Crowd.) 
 
 Mary. Oh ! who has done this very dreadful deed ? 
 
 Kings, (to Mary aside.) This deed was done, — the murderer your 
 Harry 
 
 Whom I’ll denounce, if me you will not marry. 
 
 (She faints on his arm.) 
 
 (Scene closes quickly to general excitement. Business.) 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 Outside Downey’s House. Night. Dynamite Fac- 
 tory TO RUN ON L. WITH LABEL ON TOP, “ HERE 
 
 THEY MAKE DYNAMITE” “ Ici ON FAIT DYNAMITE,” 
 
 &C., &C. 
 
 Enter Conspirators, r and l meet c. 
 ist Consp. Fine night ! 
 
 2nd Consp. Very. How many beans make five ? 
 ist Consp. Wrong. If a herring and a half cost three halfpence, 
 2nd Consp. Why, then, ’tis thirteen to the dozen. All’s well, 
 ist Consp. Thank you, quite well, and you ? 
 
 2 nd Consp. All quite well. 
 
 (They shake hands , and knock at door of dynamite factory.) 
 Brad, (within) Who’s there ? 
 
 Conspirs. A reduction on taking a quantity. 
 
 (Bradley opens door and admits Conspirators.) 
 
15 
 
 Enter Green (r), nervously. Knocks at door. 
 
 Brad. ( within ) Who’s there ? 
 
 Grn. If a herring and a half costs three halfpence. 
 
 Brad. Then ’tis thirteen to the dozen. ( Opens door. Enter Green.) 
 
 Enter Kingston, followed by Orton. Knocks. 
 
 Brad. Who’s there ? 
 
 Kings. If a herring and a half cost three halfpence. 
 
 Brad. It sounds like the captain’s voice ; but yet — 
 
 Why, then, it’s — *- 
 
 Kings. Ask me something easier. 
 
 Brad. It is the captain. Pass in something easier. 
 
 Enter Kingston and Orton. Business of shaking hands, &c. 
 Brad. Ha ! a stranger. 
 
 King. All right, my men (Bradley, seeing Orton, starts. King- 
 ton introduceshim. Business) ; a recruit unto our ranks, 
 Ready to share our fortune, fame and thanks. 
 
 But now to business — but one moment stay, 
 
 It must be done in the old fashioned way ; 
 
 Come peal, my lads, you need not fear the peelers, 
 
 And let’s appear as good old fashioned stealers. 
 
 I love the brigands of my boyish days ; 
 
 The penny plain and twopence color’d plays, 
 
 And so behold as I this ulster wind off 
 
 (Throws open his ulster. Chord.) 
 
 The leather belt and pistols of a Grindoff. 
 
 (Kingston strikes attitude ; the other conspirators (girls) divest themselves 
 of ulsters, and appear in full brigand dress.) 
 
 Conspirators’ Chorus. 
 
 King. We’re wasting time ; so let’s draw lots this minute, 
 
 There’s lots to blow up — blow it, who’ll begin it ? 
 
 Grn. Not me. 
 
 Brad. You coward. Give me work to do. 
 
 I’ll blow up all creation black and blue. 
 
 Oh, precious dynamite; swift speeding death 
 I seem to suck the honey of thy breath ; 
 
 Gentle torpedo come into these arms, 
 
 Be mine the task to spread thy sweet alarms. 
 
 Green (pointing to Bradley) Yes, let him do the job. 
 
 King. We must draw lots. 
 
 ( Business : All draw lots , at last Orton draws the fatal number.) 
 
 King. My friend has drawn the number. (To Orton) Come with me 
 You’ll blow this street up, on the strict Q T. 
 
 Ort. I didn’t expect this ; I’m in your power ; 
 
 Perchance you will betray me any hour. 
 
 Before the humblest Bobby now I quail. 
 
 Methinks my guilty face now shows my tale. 
 
 I’ve got to blow this street up ; are you sure 
 That no one will be hurt ? 
 
 King. You have no nouse, 
 
 For this explosion will bring down the house ; 
 
 But no one will be killed. ’Twixt you and me, 
 
 We blow up next a full-rigg’d ship at sea. 
 
 You’ve got your orders ; now, man, do your duty ; 
 
 Here are matches — mind, the strictest Q T. 
 
i6 
 
 Kingston re-enters into Dynamite Factory. 
 
 Ort. (advances c.) This comes of killing squires. Would it mend all 
 If now I took the night express to Kendal , 
 
 “ Far from the madding crowd ” to hide my head. 
 
 (Despondingly) No use, no use ; for now the squire is dead. 
 
 (Exit l. in despair — Business.) 
 
 Enter Mary r. 
 
 Mary I’m sure my father passed this way. Of late 
 He’s been so strange and awkward in his gait 
 That, were it not he’s a Blue Ribbonite, 
 
 I’d say he’d passed a jovial bibbing night ; 
 
 But still, he came this way, I know, and yet 
 I’m all at sea to find him. ( Shower commences ; puts up small 
 parasol.) 
 
 So it’s wet. 
 
 Mid all these streets — these twists, and turns and tangles, 
 ’Tis fresh to have a shower of rice and spangles. (Exit L.) 
 
 (Kingston and others come out of factory.) 
 
 King. The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail, 
 
 So get aboard at opce, and do not fail. 
 
 (To Brad.) The “ Albatross ” departs an hour Hence, 
 
 Her blowing-up will be a scene immense. 
 
 Grn. But where shall we be ? 
 
 King. Martyrs to the cause. 
 
 You’ll die in dynamite, amid applause. 
 
 Grn. That wasn’t in the programme. I prefer 
 To spout on platforms ; and to make a stir 
 In politics, to exercise this chump — 
 
 A veritable G. O. M. on stump. 
 
 I was engaged to lecture , and it shocks 
 To find myself not Parnell, but Guy Fawkes. 
 
 To be blown up is quite another matter ; 
 
 I’ll take a back seat 
 
 Brad. Cease your ribald clatter. 
 
 I’ll do the work, /and justify your trust. 
 
 I’ll blow, and blow, and blow up till I bust. 
 
 So come along, mates — there is work to do, 
 
 For now’s the time for Orton’s blow-up cue ; 
 
 And when you hear that same explosion loud 
 Divert mistrust and come on with the crowd, 
 
 King. ’Tis well ; ’Tis very well ; (points to Bradley) Ye’ll him obey, 
 And now clear out. Policemen come this way. 
 
 (Enters dynamite factory ; changes name at top from “ Dynamite made 
 here ” to “ Metropolitan Fire Brigade as Policemen cross stage in single 
 file they all look at dynamite factory but take no special notice.) 
 
 (Enter Orton with matches and dark lantern.) 
 
 Ort. Nobody will be hurt ; yes, that he said, 
 
 What tho’ I blow up this whole street in bed, 
 
 To think that it would kill — no thought absurder, 
 
 Though first it seem’d to me like wholesale murder. 
 
 (Tries to light matchion boot and fails) 
 
 This deed is dark ; e’en Lucifer it shocks, 
 
 (looks at box) Bryant and May lights only on the box. 
 
 Strikes match on box. 
 
So to this dreadful work my loins I’ll girt ; 
 
 For why ! What matters ? No one will be hurt. 
 
 ( Lights dynamite; small fizz of gunpowder ; runs off; stage wait of ten 
 seconds; very small noise of explosion ; all the windows break and general 
 business.) 
 
 Enter Crowd, Policemen, &c. 
 
 Crd. Is anybody hurt ? 
 
 Ort. ( enters wildly) It’s only fun. 
 
 ist Policeman. Look here, old man; take my advice, and run. 
 Ort. It’s just a squibby lark, and I was* told 
 
 That no one would be hurt ; arid {.so was bold 
 Enough to 
 
 ist Policeman. Say no more, or else you’ll rue it, 
 
 And we shall think some set you on to do it ; 
 
 Take my advice, and run. 
 
 Ort. You’re short and curt, 
 
 But still, they told me no one would be hurt. 
 
 Enter Policeman with Mary, who is wounded. 
 
 Ort. Mary, my daughter — dead ! She is not dead. 
 
 Then curses light on my devoted head. 
 
 Yes, all my sins do caputly revert, 
 
 But still, they told me no one would be hurt. 
 
 Exit Mary (led off by Policeman fainting). 
 
 Oh cursed day when murder is alert, 
 
 But still, he told me no one would be hurt. 
 
 ( Exit l. — Business.) 
 
 King. Thus do I make my fool my purse ; old Orton 
 I will not waste a single further thought on. 
 
 The plot developes as I’d have it be. 
 
 Ring on the next scene — Brighton all at sea: 
 
 Throws open ulster , discovering Brigands' costume as before , and exit, down 
 trap c. Red fire. Trick change to. Scene 3. The “ Albatross " at Sea. 
 
 "SCENE III. 
 
 The Albatross at Sea. 
 
 {Hold of vessel in 3 compartments : Deck above on which are Sailors 
 drinking , &c. Harry, Bradley, and others discovered.) 
 (nautical chorus) 
 
 Har. {on deck) How’s her head ? 
 
 Man at the Wheel. East by west. 
 
 Har. If it changes 
 
 Call me at once ; to me it some what strange is 
 This long unvarying course, I’ll go below; 
 
 Consult my aneroid, my chart, and so 
 Obtain the time of day ; then cast the lead, 
 
 And take the sun at midnight, now to bed ! 
 
 {Exits down ladder into hold of vessel.) 
 
i8 
 
 Mate. Call up the second watch ! 
 
 Second Sailor ( calling ) Second watch on deck ! 
 
 Come, hurry up, you swabs ! 
 
 Brad, (to conspirators) We’ll plan the wreck 
 
 Below ; come on Green, Hurt, and Connell, 
 
 There is’nt time to waste ; come on O’Donnell. 
 
 {They go into hold. As they descend curtains in front of compartments 
 2 and 3 draw up, discovering Stowaway and Conspirators.) 
 
 Stow. I’m starving, and the days so slowly go away 
 Unto a shivering worn out chilly stowaway. 
 
 I dare not show myself, and yet I feel 
 Quite famished to distraction for a meal. 
 
 I like the mate; I shouldn’t mind him knowing 
 That down in this dark hole I was a-stowing. 
 
 He gave me five bob, and he was so kind, 
 
 Like the good men in plays. I call to mind 
 He spoke so gentle that it seemed again 
 I heard Augustus spout at Drury Lane. 
 
 (i Conspirators murmur. The noise attracts Stowaway's attention.) 
 
 Ha! voices ! I will listen. Here’s a chink. 
 
 ( Puts his head through large hole. Conspirators take no notice.) 
 
 My little head will go through here, I think. (Sneezes.) 
 
 Brad. What’s that ? A sneeze ? 
 
 Grn. ’Tis but the cargo shifting. 
 
 You make me nervous. 
 
 Hurt. Where are we now drifting ? 
 
 Mate (on deck) Steady on her course, there. Four bells sound. 
 
 (Bell sounds.) 
 
 Brad. Now, messmates all, you know that we are bound 
 To blow this ship up ; so our plans let’s settle, 
 
 Or else of fish there’ll be a pretty kettle. 
 
 Grn. Bradley, look here. I do not like this notion 
 To blow this ship up here upon the ocean. 
 
 Where shall we be ? 
 
 Brad. Martyred for the cause. 
 
 Grn. What cause, I say ? 
 
 Brad. Your’s country’s outraged laws. 
 
 Grn. Oh, bosh ! 
 
 Brad. Don’t “ bosh ” me man, or you I’ll strangle. 
 
 Grn. Oh, thank you very much, we will not wrangle. 
 
 Why not kill the captain and the mate ; 
 
 Collar the girl ; the kid leave to it’s fate ; 
 
 Chloroform all the crew, the lot o’erwhelm ; 
 
 Upon the bridge you’ll go, I to the helm ? 
 
 Brad. You don’t know how to steer. 
 
 Grn. Oh, yes I know. 
 
 The wheel you simple waggle to and fro. 
 
 We’ll leave the rest to chance. 
 
 Brad. I like your plan. 
 
 And I propose (They all talk " sotto voce.") 
 
 Stow. They speak so very low I scarcely can 
 
 Their voices hear ; what’s that ? (repeats) The mate’s below ! 
 They 11 kill him in his bunk ; and then they’ll go 
 And kill the captain on the quarter-deck. 
 
 There’s no time to be lost. I little reck 
 
19 
 
 What will become of me. Their game I’ll spoil 
 And all their hideous machinations foil. 
 
 But how to warn him ! ( tries door r leading to Brighton's cabin ) 
 Ha ! The open door. 
 
 It’s strange I never thought of that before. 
 
 (As he enters Esther deliberately draws up blind that has been up front of 
 compartment ; it sticks half-way , adjusted by tassel and pulled up ; Business.) 
 
 What ! Food upon the table ! Well, I’ll risk it ; 
 
 I’m hungry as a dog ( takes biscuit) ; Spratt’s Patent Biscuit. 
 Est. Who’s there ? 
 
 Stow. It’s only me, Miss ; I just took a little — 
 
 Don’t round on me for collaring some victual ; 
 
 I’m but a stowaway — I prigged a passage — 
 
 Excuse me, Miss, but could you spare a sassage ; 
 
 Only just one — just one small bag of mystery, 
 
 And I will tell you all my little history. 
 
 Est. Poor little waif. ( Gives food) 
 
 There, take and eat your fill. 
 
 Stow. You’re werry kind to me, Miss, so I will ; 
 
 But Miss, I wants to say that you’ll soon be 
 Chucked over, with the mate, into the sea. 
 
 The sailors mean to kill the blessed lot, 
 
 Est. And where have you this information got ? 
 
 Stow. I overheard them plotting in the fo’castle, 
 
 That in the sea they mean to quickly soak us all. 
 
 Est. And Harry’s in his bunk, asleep ; I’ll call him, 
 
 He little knows what danger may befall him ; 
 
 I’ll wake him up. ( Goes to further side of cabin and wakes 
 Harry. He turns out of bunk. She whispers him. He 
 comes to stowaway.) 
 
 Har. All right, my lad, don’t tremble, 
 
 Don’t let them see you’re frightened, but dissemble. 
 Forewarned, forearmed, I’m ready for the fight. 
 
 You needn’t fear, my lad, you’ll be all right. 
 
 Go, Esther, to your cabin — to your baby, 
 
 In case we’re scuttled, just a life belt lay by. 
 
 Round baby’s neck you’ll put a rubber collar, 
 
 And should you have to swim for it, I’ll follow. 
 
 Courage, dear girl ; of strength I am a tower 
 In times of peril, then I show my power. 
 
 Est. Oh ! kiss me Harry, ever noble Harry ; 
 
 A lucky girl my sister if she marry 
 So brave and bold a sailor lad as you ; 
 
 So true and constant there are very few. 
 
 Har. My dear, you flatter, still you speak the truth, 
 
 I am, indeed, a very brilliant youth; 
 
 But now to action, now no further parley, 
 
 But let us hurry up the Grand Finale. 
 
 {Exit Esther and Stowaway. Conspirators go on deck as Sailor 
 
 calls.) 
 
 Sailor Watch below on deck. 
 
 Cap. The wind is rising. 
 
 (Conspirators stab Captain.) 
 
 Brad. Now chuck him overboard, and drown his cries in 
 The raging sea. 
 
 Har. {seeing Captain’s body floating past) 
 
20 
 
 They’ve killed the captain, there his body floats. 
 
 The chances are they’ll collar all the boats. 
 
 I hear them lift the hatch. ’Tis me they want, 
 
 But here I’ll stay, and have my life they shan’t. 
 
 What ho ! my trusty marlingspike. Come on, MacDuff, 
 
 And damned be he who says he’s had enough. 
 
 (S its on cliaiv , and pretends to sleep. Music. Hurt comes in with 
 chloroformed sponge. Thrusts it into Brighton’s face. Struggle. 
 Brighton stabs Hurt.) 
 
 Brad, {above) Is it done ? 
 
 Har. ( below , whispers) Yes. 
 
 Brad. We’ll run the ship ashore 
 
 {Shrieks heard. Esther and Child are seen on deck. Bradley 
 secures her. She screams for aid. Business.) 
 
 Brad. Curses on the woman. 
 
 Est. Harry ! Harry ! They’ll kill 
 
 My child. 
 
 Brad. Close the hatch. 
 
 {The hatch is closed on deck.) 
 
 Har. The hatch is closed. How can I get on deck ? 
 
 They’re killing Esther, and the ship they’ll wreck. 
 
 Ha ! the companion. Trusty, brave and true 
 Companion, be my pal — I trust to you. 
 
 {Takes companion ladder ; plants it on sea outside the vessel; climbs on 
 deck, followed by Stowaway.) 
 
 {Business of struggle with Bradley who falls overboard; Harry throws 
 Green overboard , who falls in the sea and swims off ; vessel sinks ; great 
 noise and general commotion.) 
 
 Har. The ship has struck ! Hard-a-port. 
 
 Sal. Hard-a-port it is. 
 
 Har. Well, port it harder. Ha ! the stowaway, 
 
 His sweet young life I will not let him throw away : 
 
 Come here small boy, as you have doubtless got a wife, an 
 aged mother, several sisters, cousins and aunts, to say 
 nothing of numerous children dependant on you, you shall be 
 saved ; “Take thou the belt, swim for your life,” and leave 
 me to my fate, the “ strong man not the child.” 
 
 (Stowaway takes belt and jumps overboard; ship strikes again ; the stern 
 and bows move off sideways ; amidships remains.) 
 
 Esth. The ship sinks sideways. 
 
 Har. See the poops undeck’t ; 
 
 This is indeed a side splitting effect. 
 
 {Ship sinks amidships ; Harry, with child and Esther , climb up 
 rigging.) 
 
 {The mainmast sinks to the maintop. Business.) 
 
 Har. While there’s life there’s hope. Here hold on, Esther, 
 
 I’ll tie you to the rigging {ties her to rigging) ; A nor- wester 
 
 Is rising in the southard 
 
 Brad. Help ! I drown ; 
 
 Have pity on me ; don’t let me go down. 
 
 Help ! Mercy ! Help ! 
 
 Est. ’Tis he who tried to kill you. 
 
 Brad. ( holding on to crosstree desperately) 
 
 Oh ! Let my agony with pity fill you 
 
21 
 
 Har. Well, there, you lubber ; take it, there’s my hand. 
 
 Revenge is sweet, but to forgive is grand. 
 
 Brad. A lubber, am I ! Now we’ll quickly see 
 
 Who is the better of us— you or me. 
 
 (Bradley attacks Harry ; struggle ; both fall into the sea ; both swim 
 and climb on to mast ; meet and renew struggle ; at this moment light- 
 house appears at back, showing brilliant white light ; struggle continues ; 
 Esther wrings her hands in agony ; facsimile of poster seen on light- 
 house. This is a dissolving view effect.) 
 
 Est. Look! Look! Oh, look! The light there in the distance ; 
 
 The very lighthouse comes to our assistance. 
 
 (Bradley and Harry pause and look at light.) 
 
 Har. What’s that I see ! The white light of a coaster ? 
 
 A lighthouse ? Yes ! And there’s the well-known poster. 
 
 (. Poster changes) Let’s keep within the picture, Bradley — so : 
 
 (They realize poster .) 
 
 Which having done, now overboard you go. 
 
 ( Throws Bradley over ; boat appears as scene closes in.) 
 
 SCENE IV. 
 
 The Dairy Farm. — Interior. 
 
 Enter Kingston, reading letters. 
 
 King. These letters bring me joy ; for me they tell 
 My plot succeeds, and, so far, all goes well. 
 
 The “ Albatross ” is lost — I’m fortune’s debtor — 
 
 No soul was saved, it says ; so much the better. 
 
 Song. 
 
 Enter Darby. 
 
 King. Ha ! Darby, child ; come, tell me where’s Miss Mary. 
 (Tries to kiss her) 
 
 Dar. Begone ! Tho’ but a dairymaid, how dare he 
 Take liberties with me; I’ll scream for aid ; 
 
 I’m quite the cheese, tho’ but a dairymaid. 
 
 Enter Green at gate. 
 
 Grn. What ! Mr. Richard Kingston ! Well, I’m blowed. 
 King. I thought that you and all the lot were stowed 
 Safe at the bottom of the deep blue sea. 
 
 Grn. In the deep ocean’s bed ? No ! Not for me. 
 
 King. And Harry Hastings ? 
 
 Grn. All alive and kicking. 
 
 King. What ! Foiled again ! 
 
 Dar. Oh, won’t you get a licking. 
 
 King. Wait till you’re spoken to, Miss Pert, be chary — 
 Down, fluttering heart, for here I see my Mary. 
 
 Enter Mary. 
 
 Mar, Oh, joy! Oh, rapture ! For my Harry lives. 
 
 This letter to my heart delight now gives. 
 
22 
 
 They told me he was dead, but now, what joy ! 
 
 He’ll sail o’er seas again, my sailor boy. 
 
 King. Good morning, Mary Orton ; how d’ye do ? 
 
 Mar. Miss Mary oughtn’t, sir, to speak to you. 
 
 Grn. (to Mary) He’s coming back here, via Rome and Paris. 
 Mary That voice ! Ah, yes ! It is, it is my Harry's. 
 
 (Music. Enter Harry, followed by Downey and Rustics.) 
 
 (Enter Harry. Embraces Mary.) 
 
 Har. Mary ! my own ! my love ! my pretty pet ! 
 
 You thought I’d gone to Davy Jones ; but yet 
 I have sailed back — Oh ! yes, then I was willing, 
 
 And have arrived in time to foil this villain. 
 
 (To Kingston) Yes, Harry Brighton is the gallant craft, 
 Whose decks are cleared for action — fore and aft. 
 
 Alongside you, my enemy, I’ll steer, 
 
 And rake your bows to stern. 
 
 Mary (remonstrating) Oh ! Harry dear, 
 
 Har. So strike your colours, or by thunder I’ll 
 
 Prove I’m another Nelson of the Nile. (Chord) 
 
 King. Pshaw ! likewise Pish ! And also Walker Hookey. 
 
 (Sardonically) You speak, John Tar, without your little bookey, 
 I tried to take one life — you took another’s, 
 
 You murderer of W. Carruthers. 
 
 (During last speech Orton enters l.) 
 
 Ort. What, murder say you ? 
 
 Har. Murder! 
 
 Mary. Goodness gracious ! 
 
 King. To kill my cousin was an act audacious, 
 
 But still you kill’d him. 
 
 Har. What ! I killed the squire ! 
 
 Ort. (remorsefully) I cannot stand it longer, I’ll retire, (goes up a little r.) 
 Mary Oh ! Harry ! 
 
 Har. (points to Kingston) Dear, never mind this cowardly Malay. 
 King. Ha ! Ha ! Ho ! Ho ! Detectives come this way. 
 
 (Looks off) Yes, here they come, in dramas, great or small, 
 We always have them at our beck and call ; 
 
 We simply call them from the nearest station — 
 
 They always make a splendid situation. 
 
 (Enter Detectives.) 
 
 There’s your prisoner ; take him to the scaffold 
 At once , for not again will I be baffled. 
 
 Dow. (c.) How can you hang a cove without a jury ? 
 
 Omnes Ha ! 
 
 King. No “ Ha ” at all ; they do so at Old Drury. 
 
 Omnes (, groan ). 
 
 King. The trial scene is cut to cut it short, 
 
 We feared an action for contempt of Court. 
 
 (To Detective No. i.) 
 
 Robert in plain clothes, here, my legal minion, 
 
 Take you your prisoner, and mind you pinion 
 Him with extra care -safe, fast and tightly. 
 
 Det. (goes to Harry, taps him on shoulder) 
 
 I’ve got a special line from Mr. Whiteley. 
 
 Dow. Why pinion him ? He may find, to his sorrow, 
 
 A lot of press o-pinions p’raps to-morrow. 
 
 Har. Farewell Mary — Esther, farewell — Good-bye, 
 
 Death pipes to quarters. 
 
23 
 
 Mary I must pipe my eye. 
 
 Har. (points to Mary) 
 
 Once more, farewell ! This villain shall not harm her. 
 
 They dare not hang the hero of a drama. 
 
 Ta, ta, Downey ; the truth will yet appear. 
 
 (Points to Kingston) As for that swab, for the first time I fear 
 Nautical lingo fails quite to convey 
 The scorn I feel. 
 
 King, (beckoning Detective) Officers, come this way ; 
 
 Your duty do. 
 
 (Detectives go to Harry, attempt to lead him off. He breaks away and 
 kisses Mary, then Esther, then Downey — and very nearly 
 Kingston— then Mary again, in a whole circle ; and is going round for 
 the second time when Officers interfere. 
 
 Har. (c.) Is any one left unkiss’d ? 
 
 All right, good bye. (Exit with Detective ; Mary follows to 
 door ; falls fainting, Orton rushes to drag her c.) 
 
 Ort. (comes down) The villain should be hiss’d 
 
 Who brings this on us. 
 
 King. All right, boss ! I’m certain 
 
 I shall be hiss’d if call’d before the curtain. 
 
 (Mary recovering goes to l.) 
 
 King, (to Orton aside.) 
 
 ’Twas well the secret lay twixt you and me ; 
 
 Thus for the murder you got off scot free. 
 
 Oet. At last I’m free — am saved. I feel quite gay ; 
 
 Am sorry tho' for Harry I must say. 
 
 The Tempest's over, and I’m safe on land, 
 
 This Gaiety I feel is simply grand. 
 
 King. This Ariel flight methinks by Frank Burnand is — 
 
 Ort. Oh ! no ; it’s tragedy by James Fernandez. 
 
 Mar. (overhearing.) 
 
 Whats that I hear ? a murder ! where — when — how ? 
 
 Murder will out papa you know, and now 
 I’ve found you out, you wicked cruel man ; 
 
 Oh ! save my Harry Father if you can. 
 
 Ort. Oh ! go no farther, for my heart you wring ; 
 
 But quickly half a quire of foolscap bring. 
 
 Take my confession without diminution 
 The judgment’s out, but stay the execution. 
 
 Ort . (slow music.) (Takes stage, c. All gather round.) 
 
 ’Twas in the prime of autumn time — 
 
 The days were getting short, 
 
 My youngest daughter, Mary, 
 
 The Squire came to court. 
 
 I thought he’d ruined Esther, 
 
 And swore they should be wed ; 
 
 Then, as he would not grant my wish, 
 
 I promptly struck him dead. 
 
 Two stabs with this small penknife, 
 
 He tripped upon a stone, 
 
 Ere he could cry “ Jack Robinson ” 
 
 The deadly deed was done. 
 
 There was nothing lying at my feet 
 But lifeless flesh and bone. 
 
 (Falls convulsively on ground , and proceeds to die slowly.) 
 
24 
 
 Mary Get up ! Get up ! You hav’nt time to die. 
 
 Sign your confession. (Orton signs.) Now, Bob Downey, fly. 
 You will be there long ere they let him down — 
 
 Remember, we’re but fifteen miles from town. 
 
 Dow. The fastest .time on record I will beat. 
 
 King. He shall not go 
 
 Est. (rushes forward) Now grovel at my feet ; 
 
 Your time has come — 
 
 King. Begone! you make me wild. 
 
 Est. Father, behold the father of my .child. (Sensation) 
 
 King. The game is up. I will no longer stay, v 
 
 Ah ! now I’m lost, detectives come this way. 
 
 (Enter Detectives , who handcuff Kingston.) 
 
 Mary, (in great excitement , takes stage c.) 
 
 If Downey should be late. My heart’s like stone. 
 
 What can I do ? 
 
 (Telephone hell rings violently at hack.) 
 
 Ha ! the telephone. 
 
 (Mary rushes to telephone ; listens at same while telephone speaks loudly.) 
 
 Tel. We have much pleasure in informing you that Walter 
 Carruthers is, after all, not dead. He was only shamming, 
 and therefore Harry Brighton’s life is spared. As the 
 quickest known means of conveyance, we forward him to you 
 by Parcels Post. He is not insured, but we trust he will 
 arrive safely. 
 
 Mary. Joy! 
 
 Est. Joy! - 
 
 Ort. Joy ! 
 
 Omnes Joy ! Joy! Joy! 
 
 King, (sullenly) I shan’t say " joy !” 
 
 (Rumble of wheels without.) 
 
 Mary. They bring him back, my own dear sailor boy. 
 
 (Downey and Postman bring in Harry preposterously hound. They lay 
 him on c of stage. Mary rushes to him '^proceeds to untie him; is 
 'prevented by knots , which she eventually cuts with sniall pair of scissors ; 
 releases Harry ; kisses him. They come down c. 
 
 Mary The clouds are gone. As thro’ the fields we pass, 
 
 Let people say (why, I don't know) “ The Sailor and his Lass.” 
 (Takes Esther’s hand and leads her to Kingston.) 
 
 Forgive him, Esther. 
 
 Est. (to Kingston) You won’t do it again ? 
 
 King, (aside) Not till next time, (aloud to Esther) I promise. 
 Est. Then its plain 
 
 That I forgive you. Kiss your papa, ducky. , * 
 
 (Child kisses Kingston..) 
 
 Dow. She’s gone back to her husband. Well, that’s plucky. 
 
 Har. (advances c. with Mary.) 
 
 Our drama’s finished, and the play is done, 
 
 We mean no malice by our simple fun. 
 
 As Shakespere said, we now repeat to-night, 
 
 “ Our true intent is all for your delight.” 
 
 (General chorus and dance.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 

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