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 Autobiography of 
 
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 http://www.archive.org/details/autobiographyoft01broo
 
 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
 
 OF 
 
 THOMAS ALLEN
 
 THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
 
 OF 
 
 THOMAS ALLEN 
 
 BY THE 
 
 AUTHOR OF 'POST MORTEM 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES 
 VOL. I. 
 
 WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS 
 
 EDINBURGH AND LONDON 
 
 MDCCCLXXXII
 
 %23 
 
 3 nq<2£^ 
 
 PREFACE. 
 3 
 
 CO 
 
 Such as my life has actually been, so I 
 
 in 
 
 ^ propose to record it. It is not for me, in 
 this place, to point out particulars in which 
 •g the thousands who have professed to do the 
 same thing have failed. Nevertheless, I 
 '^ intend to profit rather by the warnings 
 ■ which their real shortcomings furnish, than 
 by the examples which their apparent suc- 
 cesses invite ; and amongst the faults which 
 "> this work must contain, I believe that wil- 
 vful exaggeration and timid suppression will 
 ^not be found. The general taste in the 
 x matter of literature has of late become 
 
 A
 
 VI PREFACE. 
 
 accustomed to some very strange models ; 
 and it is certainly curious that those who, 
 in the real business of life, persistently dis- 
 card all false romance, "not only tolerate, but 
 eagerly seek it, in the field of fancy. It 
 now remains to be proved whether the 
 maxim still holds good, "that the true pri- 
 vate history of the humblest individual is 
 attractive, as well as instructive, to the 
 highest ; " or whether efforts to show what 
 we ought to be — or rather what we ought 
 not to be — are now preferred to descrip- 
 tions of what we are.
 
 AUTOBIOGKAPHY 
 
 OF 
 
 THOMAS ALLEN 
 
 CHAPTEE I. 
 
 My birth took place one wet evening in 
 June 1843, at Hare Place, the seat of my 
 father, in one of the home counties. Al- 
 though on first coming into the world I was 
 in very kind hands, it might have seemed 
 otherwise ; for I was flogged with the corner 
 of a wet towel, and ducked in brandy, 
 almost directly I had made my appearance. 
 My parents, Mr and Mrs Allen, decided 
 
 VOL. I. a
 
 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 upon " Thomas " for my first Christian 
 name, and afterwards, from some family 
 considerations, they added the names 
 " Cecil," and " Longstaffe : " and thus, 
 having been born and christened, I became 
 Thomas Cecil Longstaffe Allen. I shall 
 endeavour not to dwell over the scenes and 
 incidents of my childhood for an undue 
 length of time ; but being blessed — or 
 afflicted — with a very remarkable gift of 
 memory, I trust some indulgence may be 
 accorded to me in that respect. 
 
 Some writers of autobiographies, when 
 dealing with the period of their childhood, 
 are content to inform their readers merely 
 " that they have a vague recollection of a 
 great clock, whose tick used to inspire 
 them with wonder ;" or " that they just 
 remember, as if in a dream, a certain old 
 picture, which used to fill them with
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 
 
 terror ;" or, perhaps, " that the memory of 
 a far-off past summons back to life a pale, 
 delicate lady/' who was their mother. 
 
 Other writers, again, undeterred by the 
 fear of being thought either prolix or im- 
 pertinent, or both, occupy a great space in 
 attempting to show that the after charac- 
 teristics of the man or woman were all fore- 
 shadowed in the boy. The child of seven 
 clenches his tiny fist when the beetle-browed 
 lawyer is talking villany to the child's 
 mamma ; and the cheeks of a little maid 
 of thirteen are suffused with blushes when 
 the name of her male cousin is mentioned. 
 For myself, I shall endeavour to avoid say- 
 ing either too little or too much ; and so, 
 having mentioned my birth and parentage 
 in the briefest manner possible, I will ask 
 the reader's patience while I turn, rather 
 more closely, to a period commencing just
 
 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 ten years later ; or, in other words, when I 
 was just ten years old. 
 
 Having passed through various vicissi- 
 tudes and perils which I have refrained 
 from recording, I was now installed at a 
 boarding-school, kept by a certain Dr Bar- 
 kum, in an out-of-the-way corner of my 
 native county. This school had formerly 
 been managed by a person of the strange 
 name of Wildbull; and Barkum had been 
 one of his ushers. Wildbull having grown 
 old, and having perceived an attachment 
 between his daughter (who was just thirty) 
 and his favourite assistant, had handed 
 over to the latter all which that individual 
 could have possibly desired — namely, his 
 daughter, his scholars, and all that belonged 
 to his school. Dr Wildbull, furthermore, 
 wishing that his son-in-law should in all 
 respects maintain the dignity hitherto asso-
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 
 
 ciated with the head-mastership of Cumber- 
 land House, had caused him to be ordained, 
 and had then purchased for him the degree 
 of Doctor at the University of Oxford. 
 Having taken these kind and liberal meas- 
 ures, Dr Wildbull had retired to a neigh- 
 bouring farm, meaning to enjoy for the 
 future a life of lettered ease, mingled with 
 the interesting pursuit of agriculture. But 
 the complete alteration in his mode of 
 existence — above all, it was said, the want 
 of exercise for his lungs and for his arms, 
 from which he suffered — had speedily 
 hurried him into his grave. His son-in- 
 law, Barkum, then made the dreadful dis- 
 covery that Dr Wildbull had died heavily 
 in debt, and had lived chiefly upon an 
 annuity. The result was that a terrible 
 change came over Dr Barkum, a change 
 from which his wife and his scholars, in-
 
 6 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 eluding myself, principally suffered. His 
 temper, never of the best, became savage 
 to a morbid and alartnin^ decree : and lie 
 seemed to abandon himself to violence, for 
 the practice of which, his position gave him 
 such constant and favourable opportunities. 
 In person, Dr Barkum was short of 
 stature, and wore large sanely whiskers, 
 which were just turning grey. He had a 
 high yet narrow forehead, a receding chin, 
 curious little grey eyes (in which cunning 
 and incompetence appeared to struggle for 
 the mastery), and large full lips of an un- 
 wholesome pallor. His voice was harsh 
 and monotonous, and his mode of utterance 
 was rendered especially singular by his 
 being unable to pronounce a " Th," or the 
 letter " K." As for Dr Barkum's dress, 
 during school hours he generally wore a 
 tailless coat of black broadcloth, which de-
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 
 
 scended to the backs of his knees, and 
 which was furnished with two flapped side- 
 pockets, into which he often thrust his 
 hands. His waistcoat was of the clerical 
 pattern, and made of ribbed silk ; and his 
 trousers were made of black serge, and cut 
 so loose at the extremities that his feet were 
 almost concealed. 
 
 Of his assistants, the under-masters, there 
 were four, — namely, Mr Jervis, who taught 
 Latin and Greek, and who by his skill did 
 much to keep up the good reputation of the 
 school ; Mr Marter, a pompous vulgar man 
 of low attainments, who was supposed to 
 instruct us in English history, geography, 
 writing, arithmetic, and sacred subjects ; Mr 
 Crabbe, who was well employed in making 
 himself generally useful ; and Monsieur 
 Fourcroy, a tall fair-haired French master, 
 whom we believed to be a nobleman.
 
 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Of these under-masters, I particularly de- 
 tested Mr Marter, who, ever since I had 
 accidentally discharged a spoonful of tea 
 in his face as he was peacefully solving a 
 magazine acrostic at our evening meal, had 
 shown a malignant and persistent rancour 
 towards me, from which I was constantly 
 made to suffer. With the others I generally 
 managed to hold my own ; while as for the 
 learned Principal, Dr Barkum, when he was 
 not beside himself with rage, he treated me 
 with kindness, and even with partiality, 
 which conduct, without doing him injustice, 
 I believe I may attribute to the fact that 
 my father was at that time a man of con- 
 siderable influence in the county. 
 
 Having concluded these introductory mat- 
 ters, I will proceed without further delay to 
 the main recital of my adventures.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 It was the dinner - liour at Cumberland 
 House, and without waiting for Mrs Bar- 
 kum, who was late, our Principal ordered 
 us to chant a Latin grace which he had 
 himself written, and which the organist 
 of the church we frequented had set to 
 music — 
 
 " Carnem, panem, et cerevisiam praestas, • 
 Gratias tibi ergo aginius, et gaudemus." 
 
 While we sang these striking words, Mr 
 Marter, who acted as fugleman, fixed his 
 eyes upon me in a sinister manner, and 
 bellowed each word in a foreign accent, 
 with such ludicrous effect that I had to bite
 
 10 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 my lip in order to avoid laughing. This 
 inaugural ceremony concluded, we sat down 
 and commenced eating. We were presently 
 joined by Mrs Barkum, whom her husband 
 greeted thus — 
 
 " Well, Aggie ; you're vewy late ; ve 
 meat's getting cold." 
 
 He had prepared for her a plateful of 
 shoulder of mutton, which by this time 
 had certainly become very unappetising. 
 She appeared to be of that opinion; for, my 
 place at dinner being next to hers, I saw 
 her shudder as she began to ply her knife 
 and fork. She soon gave still plainer evi- 
 dences of her disgust, by heaping the greater 
 portion of her food round the edge of the 
 plate. I had just observed her execution 
 of this well-known school manoeuvre when 
 I received a pretty smart kick on the shins, 
 and looking up, I perceived that Dr Barkum
 
 1 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 11 
 
 had sunk a few inches below the level he 
 usually maintained on his chair. It was 
 obvious that he had designed his kick for 
 Mrs Barkum, and not for me ; for, having 
 eyed her intently, he said in a soft but 
 menacing tone — 
 
 " Eat it up, my dear. Would you like 
 ve pepper ? " 
 
 She answered, " Yes, please." Upon 
 which Barkum called to Enoch, the man- 
 servant, and said — 
 
 " Enoch, give your mistwess ve pep- 
 per." 
 
 Poor Mrs Barkum then dismantled her 
 rampart, disguised the materials with pep- 
 per, and ate as she was desired. 
 
 Soon afterwards Dr Barkum noticed 
 that one of the boys, Drinkwater, had left 
 a piece of meat unconsumed upon his 
 plate.
 
 12 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 " Finish your dinner, D wink water," said 
 he. 
 
 " Please, sir," answered the boy, " it's 
 got a vein in it." 
 
 "Nonsense!" said the Doctor; " vat's 
 all fancy. Enoch, give Master D wink water 
 ve pepper." 
 
 And so, whenever we neglected to finish 
 what we were given, fat and all, from 
 whatever cause, our difficulties were over- 
 come in the same manner, Dr Barkum call- 
 ing out, " Enoch, give vat boy ve pepper." 
 The bolder ones, however, employed strata- 
 gem to evade this disagreeable regulation ; 
 and having brought into dinner small paper 
 funnels, constructed for this particular ser- 
 vice, furtively filled them with such parts 
 of their dinner as they did not choose to 
 swallow — the unsavoury parcel being after- 
 wards carried to a certain old watch-dog,
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 13 
 
 who, perpetually chained to a tub in the 
 backyard, was very grateful for this or any 
 other kind of notice. 
 
 But having to eat arbitrary quantities 
 of fatty or veined meat, was not the only 
 hardship we used to undergo during our 
 dinner-hour. When we had scraped up the 
 last morsel of pudding from our plates, 
 and when those who were improvident had 
 finished their last drop of table-beer, Dr 
 Barkum was in the habit of proclaiming 
 silence by means of the handle of his knife, 
 helping Mrs Barkum and himself to cake 
 and port wine, and then conducting a viva 
 voce examination, which on this particular 
 occasion was nearly as follows : — 
 
 Dr Barkum. — Dwinkwater : " Hoc 
 age?" 
 
 Drinkwater. — " Come here ; " * Do 
 this," I mean.
 
 14 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Dr Barkum. — Which do you mean ? 
 
 Drixkwater. — " Do this." 
 
 Dr Barkum. — I should fink so. 
 
 Here he called to a boy of the name of 
 Ranee, and said, " Wance, what were ve 
 seven places which claimed to be ve birf- 
 place of Homer ? " 
 
 Raxce. — I didn't quite hear your ques- 
 ton, sir. 
 
 Dr Barkum. — If you don't hear it vis 
 time, you shall go up to my dwessing- 
 woom and have a taste of ve birch. 
 
 He then repeated his question, but the 
 only answer Ranee contrived to make 
 was, " that he believed it wasn't cer- 
 tain." 
 
 Upon this, Dr Barkum, — his mouth full 
 of cake and wine — made a rapid descent 
 upon Ranee, caught him by the ears, and 
 repeatedly bumped his head against the
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 15 
 
 empty plate in front of him. He then re- 
 sumed his seat, observing — 
 
 " Now, I told vat boy, only vis morning, 
 and gave him ve seven names in a hex- 
 ameter, on purpose. Slater, can you an- 
 swer vat question ? No ! Vewy well ; and 
 if I have to speak to you again about using 
 vat waistcoat on week-days, I'll give you a 
 good caning. Tyce, what were ve seven 
 names \ " 
 
 Herbert Tyce was my particular friend, 
 yet, knowing that he was idle and thought- 
 less, I was surprised to hear him answer, 
 " Smyrna, Khoclos, Colophon, Colophon — " 
 
 Dr Barkum. — Yes ? 
 
 Tyce. — Salamis ? 
 
 Dr Barkum. — Oh, so Artis is telling 
 you, is he \ Slater and Wance, Tyce and 
 Artis, you all leave the woom. Find out 
 ve wight answer, and each wite it out
 
 16 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 twenty times. And don't dare to go out 
 to ve playgwound till you've done so. 
 Enoch " 
 
 " Sir," answered Enoch. 
 
 " Bwing in ve cheese." 
 
 When we had each eaten a piece of 
 cheese, we stood up and again sang — 
 
 " Carnem, panem, et cerevisiam," &c, 
 
 and the painful ceremony of dining was at 
 an end. 
 
 I ran out with the others, in order to 
 play a game of football ; but just as we 
 had commenced to choose sides, we saw a 
 well-appointed barouche draw up in front 
 of Dr Barkum's door. I recognised the 
 carriage and its occupants, and pulling on 
 my jacket, which I had just thrown off, ran 
 as fast as I could to the house. There I 
 was met by a servant, who told me that a
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 17 
 
 gentleman had called to see me, and that I 
 was to go in to the drawing-room. I found 
 Dr Barkum, his face beaming with smiles, 
 endeavouring to entertain my visitors, in 
 which task he was being seconded by his 
 wife. 
 
 When I had entered the room and had 
 greeted the gentleman and his daughter, a 
 little girl of about my own age, Dr Barkum 
 said — 
 
 " Allen, Mr Sutcliffe has invited you to 
 go back to Colling Hall till Monday. I 
 don't know whever I ought to let you go." 
 
 At this we all smiled, including Dr 
 Barkum, who then desired me to run to 
 Mrs Olland, the matron, and have some 
 clothes packed. My little portmanteau 
 was soon afterwards hoisted under the legs 
 of Mr Sutcliffe's footman, and after a drive 
 of about twelve miles, through a beautiful 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 country, the existence of which, in such 
 close proximity to my school, quite aston- 
 ished me, I arrived at Colling Hall, in 
 company with my kind host and his 
 amiable little daughter Helena.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 19 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Mr Sutcliffe was the head of an ancient 
 family, and he owned considerable property. 
 He had for some time been left a widower, 
 and now bestowed most of his affection 
 upon his only child Helena. He loved her 
 better than himself, and than any one else in 
 the world ; but I think it quite necessary to 
 add that there was nothing of the marvel- 
 lous in Mr Sutcliffe's attachment for his 
 daughter. To begin with, her face did 
 not bear the slightest resemblance to that 
 of her departed mother ; and then, again, 
 the squire had many things to occupy his 
 time, — things of a more reasonable kind
 
 20 AUTOBIOGEAPHY OF 
 
 than the self-imposed and unprofitable 
 task of acting as a sort of dry-nurse to his 
 little girl. 
 
 He spent much of his time in attending 
 to his own estate, and to the business of the 
 county. His duties as a justice of the peace 
 were particularly agreeable to him ; for his 
 hobby lay in the investigation of crime : 
 and in his magisterial capacity he often 
 did work which properly belonged to the 
 superintendent of police. As a young man, 
 (he was now past middle life), he had at- 
 tended some of the most celebrated exe- 
 cutions of the day ; and yet, so far from 
 showing indifference to the fate of the 
 culprits on such occasions, he used to be 
 profoundly affected, sighing, and shaking 
 his head at intervals for several days after- 
 wards. For in spite of his morbid pro- 
 pensity he had an exceedingly tender heart.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 21 
 
 Mr Sutcliffe was distantly connected 
 by marriage with my father ; and they 
 were very closely connected by the bonds 
 of friendship and mutual esteem. I had 
 already more than once been taken to 
 Colling Hall from Saturday to Monday ; 
 and the more I disliked the caprices of Dr 
 Barkum, and the tyranny of his subordinate, 
 Marter, the more did I enjoy these visits 
 to a refined and hospitable home. Colling 
 Hall was a picturesque Elizabethan struc- 
 ture; solid and majestic, by reason of the care 
 with which it had been originally raised, and 
 the age during which it had been built ; and 
 comfortable, by reason of the modern im- 
 provements to which the old house had been 
 judiciously adapted, not ruthlessly subjected. 
 
 " Tom," said Mr Sutcliffe, as I was regal- 
 ing myself with a second dinner or lun- 
 cheon, and with no dread of a post-prandial
 
 22 AUTOBIOGEAPHY OF 
 
 examination, followed, perhaps, by a beat- 
 ing — " Tom, how do you like Dr Barkum ? 
 Does he give you plenty to do \ " 
 
 Thomas. — Very much. 
 
 Mr Sutcliffe. — What ! you like him 
 very much ; or he gives you very much 
 to do \ 
 
 Helexa (laughing). — He means 
 
 Thomas. — I mean I like him rather. 
 
 Mr S.— Only " rather/' what? Well, 
 I've heard he's a very good master ; but I 
 suppose you don't think so much about that. 
 Does he let you have plenty of play, and 
 all that kind of thing \ That's right. Does 
 he give you plenty to eat ? 
 
 Thomas. — Yes ; we have rather good 
 meals. 
 
 Mr S. — Oh, come ! that's satisfactory, at 
 any rate. I suppose he pitches into some 
 of you with the cane now and then. What ?
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 2?> 
 
 fc 
 
 Thomas (embarrassed). — Sometimes; at 
 least rather often. 
 
 Mr S.— Oh dear! Well, and what is 
 Mrs Barkum like ? 
 
 Thomas. — We don't see her much. 
 
 Mr S. — I should think she led a dullish 
 life. Helena, how should you like to marry 
 a schoolmaster ? What \ 
 
 Helena. — Very much, papa, I should 
 run and cram all the boys with sweets 
 all day, and help them to do their 
 lessons. 
 
 Thomas. — I wish at least ; no, I 
 
 don't. 
 
 Mr S. — What were you going to have 
 said? 
 
 Thomas. — I was going to say I wish she 
 could go and marry Barkum, only I don't. 
 
 This ingenuous explanation of mine made 
 both Helena and her father laugh heartily.
 
 24 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 f — _ . — . 
 
 Mr Sutcliffe continued good-naturedly talk- 
 ing to me about my school life ; and I am 
 sure my conversation must have fatigued 
 him at last. But, providentially, I hap- 
 pened to mention that we had a boy at 
 our school of the name of Good, and, I was 
 emboldened to add, that he was not a good 
 boy at all. Directly Mr Sutcliffe heard me 
 mention this schoolfellow's name, however, 
 he became sincerely interested, and asked 
 me several questions as to the boy's parent- 
 age, more especially " whether there was 
 any mystery about his family ? " 
 
 I was unable to satisfy Mr Sutcliffe with 
 an affirmative answer, whereupon he heaved 
 a sigh, and observed : " You are too young, 
 I suppose, to have remembered Daniel Good. 
 Yes, strange to say, I assisted in his capture : 
 at least, not his capture, precisely speaking ; 
 for he captured us upon that occasion."
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 25 
 
 " Oh," said I ; and Mr Sutcliffe pro- 
 ceeded : "it was an extraordinary piece of 
 good luck. I happened to be interested in 
 a robbery at the time ; and a great friend 
 of mine allowed me to accompany the 
 police on a search expedition. Mr Good 1 
 was suspected of stealing, and we went to 
 look for the property in his master's stable. 
 Daniel was a coachman, you know. Well, 
 we were hunting about in the stable, Daniel 
 with us, when he suddenly ran out, locking 
 us in. Just then one of the police, I forget 
 
 his name, came upon Helena, run out of 
 
 the room for a moment." 
 
 " May I stop my ears, instead, papa ? I 
 haven't finished my pudding," said Helena. 
 
 1 This fashion of speaking of criminals was in after years 
 turned to very good account ; for an enterprising news- 
 paper earned the character of being spirited and humorous, 
 solely through persistently' speaking of murderers and 
 robbers as " Mr So-and-so."
 
 26 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Her father consented, and went on : " He 
 came upon the trunk of a female." 
 
 " What is a trunk, please 1 " I asked. 
 
 " A box, isn't it \ " said Helena, who 
 had now removed her hands from her 
 ears. 
 
 " Well, never mind that ; " said her father, 
 " our discovery led to Daniel's apprehen- 
 sion ; and, I am sorry to say, I afterwards 
 went to see him handed." 
 
 " What's it like, seeing a man hung ? " I 
 inquired. 
 
 " A very sad, degrading spectacle," an- 
 swered Mr Sutcliffe. 
 
 After dinner, or luncheon, Helena invited 
 me to come for a ride with her. I was 
 accordingly mounted on a favourite old 
 pony of Mr Sutcliffe's. Helena rode her 
 mare, " Jenny Lind," and, attended by an 
 elderly servant, we made a long excursion
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 27 
 
 into the country. I never enjoyed any 
 expedition more. Helena could talk better, 
 and in a manner more congenial to boys, 
 than would have been expected from such 
 a little girl. I confided to her all about 
 my home life, as well as my school; and 
 I made her laugh once or twice to such 
 an extent, that Jenny Lind broke into a 
 gallop. 
 
 "When we returned, our vounsj faces glow- 
 ing with health and excitement, Mr Sut- 
 cliffe asked how Courvoisier had carried 
 me. For that, I found, was the name 
 his old pony bore. 
 
 On Sunday, after going to church, we 
 passed away some of the day in visiting 
 Helena's pets, which were numerous, for she 
 had an extrordinary fondness for animals. 
 " Billy," the peacock, seemed to be a great 
 favourite, though he bore a very bad moral
 
 28 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 character, having slain no less than three 
 mates with which he had been provided ! 
 I was, as may be supposed, very sorry to 
 leave Colling Hall ; and when I returned 
 to school, early on Monday morning, I 
 really felt more home -sick than when I 
 had first left my father and mother. I 
 began to feel for Dr Barkum a greater 
 contempt than ever. As I looked at his in- 
 significant form, large sandy whiskers, pale 
 fat lips, long tailless coat, and his trousers 
 nearly concealing his feet ; and as I heard, 
 and occasionally received, the heavy blows 
 of his cane, I feared and detested him as 
 if he were a demon. He did not show me 
 any special malevolence, it was true; but 
 he treated us all as so many apes of various 
 culture, who had somehow been committed 
 to his charge : and he never seemed to con- 
 sider that we had little characters and pre-
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 29 
 
 judices of our own. Mr Marter, on the 
 other hand, gave himself some trouble in 
 gratifying those who pleased him, and a 
 great deal of trouble in persecuting those 
 whom he disliked. However, he was con- 
 sistent, I must own, and I always knew 
 that he and I were at war ; whereas I have 
 known Dr Barkum to joke with a boy, and 
 slap him in the face at almost the same 
 moment. This visit of mine to Colling 
 Hall made me discontented and unhappy; 
 and I began to wonder why I could not be 
 educated at home, in the same manner as 
 Helena Sutcliffe. I could not at this time 
 understand the necessity of studying bru- 
 tality and meanness at the same time as 
 Latin and Greek.
 
 30 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Ox returning to Dr Barkum on Monday 
 morning, I speedily realised, to the full ex- 
 tent, the force of those comparisons I had 
 lately been making in my mind between 
 the comforts of Colling Hall and those of 
 Cumberland House. I was just in time for 
 the first daily lesson — which consisted 
 of dictation — under Messrs Marter and 
 Crabbe. The two masters each read aloud 
 to a separate group of boys. What they 
 read from we never knew ; but I believe 
 Mr Crabbe preferred ancient history, while 
 Mr Marter was fond of reading selections 
 from certain of the English classics. I
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 31 
 
 always found it difficult to avoid disgrace 
 in this writing from dictation ; for besides 
 that Marter used to pronounce certain Eng- 
 lish words as no other human being pro- 
 nounced them, my seat happened to be 
 exactly between the two batches of boys, 
 so that I was obliged to hear Mr Crabbe's 
 dictation — which was not addressed to me — 
 as well as Mr Marter's dictation, which was. 
 
 Mr Crabbe. — In vain did the Veien- 
 tines resist, colon ; the Veientines ; resist, 
 colon 
 
 Mr Marter. — To oom should Eliza ; to 
 oom should Eliza apply in ? er distress ; 
 
 a pp!y — 
 
 Mr Crabbe. — Those Romans who were 
 in the city, comma. Those Eomans 
 
 Mr Marter. — Yorick would be offended, 
 comma. Yorick would be offended, com- 
 ma
 
 32 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Mr Crabbe. — Let your mouth alone, 
 Slater, and sit properly. 
 
 Mr Marter. — Yorick would be offended, 
 comma ; and with reason, comma ; and 
 with 
 
 Boy. — A comma after reason, sir ? 
 
 Mr Crabbe. — The statue of Juno was 
 carried ; the statue of Juno was carried ; 
 to Kome 
 
 Boy. — Mr Marter ; please sir, I've made 
 a blot. 
 
 Mr Marter. — You did it on purpose. 
 
 Mr Crabbe. — Camillus, comma ; having 
 painted his face ; with vermilion, comma. 
 With vermilion, comma 
 
 Boy. — Please, sir, may I have a fresh 
 nib \ 
 
 Mr Crabbe. — Certainly not. 
 
 While I was collecting some of the above 
 fragments, Mr Marter came and bent over
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 33 
 
 me with apparent kindness. Having read 
 a portion of what I had written, however, 
 he suddenly began to wring his right hand 
 in a very strange manner. A ruler then 
 came forth from his sleeve, and with it he 
 began to batter my knuckles. This kind 
 of assault was against all regulations; for 
 Dr Barkum was jealous of his favourite 
 prerogative. All this I knew, and I rose 
 from my seat, heedless of Marter's com- 
 mands that I should remain where I was, 
 and marching up to Dr Barkum, complained 
 of the ill-usage I had received. 
 
 Mr Marter, very red in the face, called 
 out, " It was a bit of fun, sir." 
 
 Upon which Barkum said, " I fink you'd 
 better not have any fun in school - time, 
 please ; " and Marter, trying his best to 
 appear merry, though he looked as un- 
 happy aod contemptible as any one in the 
 
 vol. i. c
 
 34 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 world, declared that he would be more 
 careful. 
 
 This incident made the feud between 
 him and myself more bitter than ever. He 
 made many attempts to humiliate me, and 
 overcome my spirit. At his geography 
 class, which I had to attend, when it came 
 to my turn to answer a question, Mr Mar- 
 ter would ask me a sort of conundrum 
 which he had mischievously composed for 
 my mortification. 
 
 "Allen," thundered he, having just in- 
 quired where Ceylon was situated, " Why 
 do the Indians pity us 1 " 
 
 " I didn't know that they did, sir," I re- 
 plied ; whereupon a little boy whom Marter 
 had primed beforehand, answered, " Because 
 we cant grow rice." 
 
 "Yes," said the learned Marter; "go up 
 above Allen."
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. oO 
 
 He presently came to me again, and de- 
 manded : "Why can a canal never be made 
 across the Isthmus of Sooez ? " 
 
 " I suppose/' answered I, " because the 
 sand would always fall in when they dug." 
 
 This, strange to say, was the very answer 
 that Marter had devised; but instead of be- 
 ing satisfied, he roared out, " 'Oo told you 
 that?" 
 
 " Nobody/' answered I. 
 
 "Aren't you the boy that threw tea in 
 my face ? " shouted Marter, adding, " Then 
 'ow do you suppose that I'm going to 
 believe your word ? " 
 
 I hung my head at this conclusive reason- 
 ing, and he triumphed. But he was not 
 content with such victories as these. 
 
 I have said that I was popular among the 
 boys. Yet, owing to the wicked machina- 
 tions of Marter, I was soon brought into
 
 36 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 most unmerited disgrace with every one. A 
 boy named Fisher one day announced that 
 a gold penholder had been abstracted from 
 his desk. The affair made that sort of dis- 
 agreeable stir which such affairs always do 
 make in a school or similar community. 
 After three or four days, however, I per- 
 ceived, and with a sinking heart, which 
 scorn and indignation were unable to sus- 
 tain, that the under-masters and the matron 
 were disposed to suspect me of being the 
 thief. The cold and malevolent glances 
 which they cast upon me were presently 
 reflected in the countenances of the other 
 boys, my schoolfellows. At last I found 
 one of them, Slater, in the act of writing 
 something in the fly-leaf of my Latin 
 dictionary. I perceived that he had writ- 
 ten after my name (Allen), the words, 
 " bagged Fisher's penholder."
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 37 
 
 I asked him what he meant by this, to 
 which he answered, " And you know you 
 did bag it." I then struck him with my 
 fist, when, without returning the blow, he 
 challenged me to fight him, and I agreed to 
 do so. My friend Tyce consented, though 
 not with much alacrity, to act as my second ; 
 and both principals, with their backers and 
 a crowd of little boys, hurried off to a cer- 
 tain passage which we were supposed to 
 use for the purpose of changing our boots 
 or slippers. As the battle differed in one 
 most material point at least, from any 
 similar battle of which the reader has ever 
 read, I may be excused if I describe it in 
 some detail. Slater was taller and broader 
 than I was, and possessed of longer arms. 
 His " puffy countenance," however, showed 
 that he was not in good fighting condition ; 
 in fact, he was addicted to eating sweet
 
 38 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 things at all times of the day, which prac- 
 tice had disordered his stomach and his 
 complexi'on. For my part, I was strong, 
 active, and in good training ; I was cour- 
 ageous and obstinate, and was engaged in 
 a good cause. As soon as we had taken 
 up the proper position, Slater advanced, 
 and began his attack by aiming several 
 blows at my face. These blows I success- 
 fully parried with my right arm and left 
 fist, in a way which I had learnt from a 
 favourite uncle, Colonel Thomas Allen. I 
 soon had the satisfaction of seeing that my 
 tactics were having a good effect, for my 
 opponent's blows grew wilder. At length, 
 believing that the right moment had arrived, 
 I assumed the offensive, which I no sooner 
 did than Slater closed with me, and threw 
 me to the ground. " Time " was then 
 called.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 
 
 At the commencement of the next round, 
 Slater stood opposite to me, with his arms 
 hanging idly by his side, as if he meant to 
 invite me to attack him. I immediately 
 rushed upon him, and gave him a very fair 
 blow in his right eye. He did not allow 
 me to do him any further harm, however, 
 for he gave me two violent blows on the 
 lip, and a few more on the body; and as 
 I was furthermore so unlucky as to stumble 
 over some boots which lay on the floor, 
 I might have fared even worse, had not 
 " Time " at that moment been called. I 
 now heard Slater say to one of his backers, 
 " first blood ; " and I found that one of my 
 teeth was loose, and my mouth bleeding. 
 When I stood up for the next round, I 
 had determined to make the most of my 
 superior training; and certainly, could I 
 have led my opponent round a circle of
 
 40 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 about a quarter of a mile, my plan would 
 have succeeded. I moved about the dark 
 and narrow passage as rapidly as I could, 
 at the same time sparring in the air in 
 a manner which excited some amusement. 
 Slater followed with a determined air, and 
 just as I was thinking of falling upon him, 
 he fell on me, gave me another blow on the 
 wounded lip, seized me by the neck, and 
 then placing his right foot outside my right 
 ankle, hurled me to the ground. I sprang 
 up to attack him again, but the bystanders 
 interfered. They declared "that it was a 
 chouse going on," and that hostilities must 
 cease. Thus ended the battle. 
 
 In my defeat I could not see any appear- 
 ance of what is called "a moral victory." 
 I had, in fact, or to a certain extent, 
 appealed to the "trial by combat," and I 
 had been worsted. My schoolfellows, at
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 41 
 
 least, seemed to be of that opinion; for 
 the next day, which was Sunday, when we 
 were each desired to choose a companion 
 for our walk, in which we were marshalled 
 two and two, Herbert Tyce made an excuse 
 for not walking with me, and I was paired 
 with a new boy, who, by reason of his 
 dark complexion, we had christened Sam- 
 bo. The same day Mr Marter, who re- 
 joiced over my humiliation, and who seemed 
 especially delighted by the sight of my 
 large swollen lip, the result of my late en- 
 counter, having summoned us to receive 
 some scriptural instruction from him, re- 
 sumed the task of reducing me to despair. 
 Having caused a boy, named Saddler, to 
 read that "Abimelech king of the Philis- 
 tines looked out at a window, and saw, and, 
 behold, Isaac was sporting with Kebekah his 
 wife," Mr Marter questioned us as follows:
 
 42 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 " What is meant, next, by Isaac 'sporting' 
 with his wife? Well?" 
 
 First Boy. — Playing with her, sir ? 
 
 Marter. — Playing with 'er. Next ; 
 what do you say? 
 
 Second Boy. — Sporting with her. 
 
 Marter. — Stand up on the form, and 
 just mind what you're after. Next ; next ; 
 Buller. 
 
 Buller. — Tickling her, sir ? 
 
 Marter. — Tickling 'er ; yes, teasing 'er, 
 or larking with 'er ; that's what it means." 
 Here he turned upon me, and asked in 
 a rapid threatening tone, "What does it 
 mean, that boy with the ugly lip ? " 
 
 "I didn't quite hear the question, sir," 
 I answered. 
 
 "Are you deaf, or a dunce?" said Mar- 
 ter ; " both, I think. Saddler, read the 'ole 
 verse over again for Allen, the deaf boy
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 43 
 
 with the ugly lip, who's allowed to throw 
 tea in my face." 
 
 The passage was again read ; Marter 
 asked, " What is meant by Isaac ' sport- 
 ing ' with his wife \ " 
 
 I sullenly answered, " Larking with her," 
 and Marter said — 
 
 " Yes ; and you'd better not 'ave any 
 larks with me." 
 
 In the dormitory that night, when I got 
 out of bed to join in a kind of football- 
 match which was goiug on, my appearance 
 had the same effect as that of Dr Barkum 
 would have had, for all the other boys 
 went back to their beds. Herbert Tyce, 
 however, came to me presently, and after 
 slightly discussing the chief topic of the 
 day, observed — * 
 
 "You see, we've always been very good 
 friends, and all that, and I know Marter's
 
 44 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 a beastly cad ; but lie says that young 
 Fisher lost the penholder out of his desk 
 between dinner and half- past three, and 
 that you were the only chap who was in 
 the schoolroom then ; that's what's setting 
 the fellows against you." 
 
 "Well, Tyce," said I, in reply, "if the 
 thing is ever found out, will you remember 
 to say that I said it was a lie accusing 
 me ? They'll be sorry for it, to-morrow." 
 
 After a short pause, Tyce said, in a low 
 tone, "You're not going to run away, are 
 you ? " 
 
 " Yes, I am," answered I. 
 
 " Oh, don't ! " said Tyce, though I could 
 plainly see that he hoped to enjoy the 
 excitement the proposed escapade would 
 cause. " Don't," he repeated ; " I hope 
 it'll come all right in the end." 
 
 "Thank you," said I ; "good-night."
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 45 
 
 "Good -night/' said Tyce ; "will you 
 shake hands \ " 
 
 The next morning, after a night of 
 troubled slumber, I rose at about five 
 o'clock, dressed myself, and, after expe- 
 riencing some difficulty in unfastening a 
 door, left the house, and ran like a hare 
 until my breath was nearly expended. I 
 then sat upon a stile, and deliberated as 
 to the direction in which I should proceed. 
 At first I had naturally intended to find 
 my way home : but now, perceiving that 
 I was near the road which I knew led to 
 Colling Hall, I determined to go there. 
 "Mr Sutcliffe," thought I, "is a very good- 
 natured man, and has been a boy himself. 
 Helena will think it was plucky of me. 
 I will go and place myself under their 
 protection." 
 
 Keeping as much as possible to the fields,
 
 46 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 but always having the road as my guide, I 
 traversed about five miles of country, and 
 then entered a small village, where I pur- 
 chased a piece of ginger-bread and a bottle 
 of ginger - beer. Then I proceeded to a 
 neighbouring thicket, where I breakfasted, 
 having paid an extra penny for the absolute 
 possession of the ginger-beer bottle. Ke- 
 freshed by my meal, and further stimulated 
 by imagining Barkum in hot pursuit, I again 
 set forth, and after another hour's walking, 
 came to Colling Hall. 
 
 After some hesitation I rang the bell, 
 and was shown into the breakfast -room, 
 where I found Mr SutclifFe reading his 
 letters, and awaiting the arrival of his 
 daughter, who had not yet come down- 
 stairs. I told Mr SutclifTe the state of 
 affairs in a few words, he listening with 
 a most puzzled expression of countenance,
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 47 
 
 and as soon as I had finished, exclaimed, 
 " Ah ! ... Ha, ha ! ... Yes ; 
 well, you'd better have something to eat 
 in the first place." 
 
 I at once ate, with an excellent appetite, 
 some hash and buttered toast, and having 
 suddenly looked up at Mr Sutcliffe, could 
 have declared that he was laughing ; but 
 his face immediately returned to the ex- 
 pression of perplexity. 
 
 Presently Helena appeared. " I've run 
 away," I told her, with a mixture of mourn- 
 ful pride and embarrassment. She looked 
 in astonishment from me to her father, who 
 said : " Yes, he has ; but get your own 
 breakfast, dear, I must take a little time to 
 think over this. I don't know," he mused 
 soon afterwards, " but what it would be the 
 best thing, on the whole, to pack you off 
 to school again. What ! You see," he
 
 48 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 continued, " by harbouring you in my 
 bouse, I may render myself liable to the 
 same forfeiture and punishment as your- 
 self." 
 
 " Not really ! " I exclaimed. 
 
 "Well, well/' said he, "I must think 
 about it. In the meantime I should recom- 
 mend you not to stray far from the house, 
 or Dr Barkum may pounce down upon 
 you." With that he left me. Helena, now 
 that we were alone, asked in a most melan- 
 choly tone, " Are you dreadfully tired ? " 
 
 "Not very," answered I. 
 
 " Why did you run away ? " 
 
 " Because I was so unhappy," I replied ; 
 and after a brief struggle, I burst out 
 crying. 
 
 For a few moments Helena silently 
 watched me, and she then quietly left 
 the room. Soon afterwards, however, I
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 49 
 
 saw her on the lawn outside, peeping at me 
 through the window, and she was then her- 
 self in tears. 
 
 In the course of that morning, Mr Sut- 
 cliffe desired my attendance in his justice- 
 room. There he made me twice repeat my 
 story to him, after which he told me to fear 
 nothing, for that he would do his best for 
 me. He informed me, also, that he expected 
 my father and mother to arrive at Colling 
 Hall shortly,- — he having sent them a mes- 
 sage acquainting them with what had hap- 
 pened to their only son. 
 
 VOL. 1.
 
 50 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Until my parents arrived at Colling Hall, 
 I passed an existence something like that 
 of a prisoner on parole. Helena had been 
 carried off to a children's party at some 
 distance from her home, and I was left to 
 my own resources. I spent most of the 
 time in wandering about the house, observ- 
 ing whatever was to be seen. In the course 
 of my explorations I came to Mr Sutcliffe's 
 study, and finding the door open, went in. 
 The room was gloomy and dark. Upon 
 one table lay a couple of ledgers, a few 
 bills and other documents, and writing ma- 
 terials ; but in all other respects the room
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 51 
 
 was not a study, but a museum of interest- 
 ing relics. A brace of flint pistols, two 
 pieces of rope, a razor, a crowbar, a rusty 
 dagger, and two or three glass cases. One 
 of these cases contained a coat, trousers, and 
 neckerchief, and bore a label on which was 
 written, " Greenacre ; May 2d, 1837." 
 The name suggested to my mind some 
 pleasant rural spot ; and not understanding 
 the connection between the name and the 
 articles of clothing, I passed on to another 
 object of interest — namely, the dagger, to 
 which was attached the following doubtful, 
 yet sufficiently plain, inscription, written in 
 faded ink on a piece of parchment : " George 
 Hallowes, possibly only a smuggler, but 
 perhaps an accomplice of Jonathan Wild ; 
 stabbed circum 1726 ; vide MS." 
 
 My heart sank within me, and I really 
 felt as if I might myself be stabbed at any 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF IIUN0I5
 
 52 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 moment. But the worst was still to come. 
 I had all this time been glancing from time 
 to time, with a separate allowance of in- 
 quisitive dread, at an oblong closet which 
 stood in one corner of the room. I was 
 filled with an unlawful curiosity to know 
 what this closet contained, and with trem- 
 bling hands I slowly opened the door. I 
 was in some degree prepared to see any- 
 thing or any one — a ghost, a housebreaker, 
 or Dr Barkum, cane in hand ; and what I 
 did see was a human skeleton, which seemed 
 to greet me with a mournful grin. I could 
 hear the beating of my heart as I again 
 shut up the ghastly remains, and stole 
 sideways out of the room. As I passed out 
 at the door, I perceived, furthermore, a 
 model scaffold, fitted with a drop and other 
 peculiar appliances, and surmounted by a 
 group of puppets, which I did not pause to
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 53 
 
 examine. My mind was now wrought into 
 a highly nervous condition ; and even when 
 I had safely gained the drawing-room, I sat 
 there with my back to the wall, until Mr 
 Sutcliffe presently came in. He was almost 
 immediately followed by my mother and 
 father. 
 
 As I had been very kindly treated by Mr 
 Sutcliffe in my trouble, I was now rather 
 surprised to find my father serious and dis- 
 pleased, and my mother distressed beyond 
 reason. My father at first only spoke in 
 low tones to Mr Sutcliffe, at the same time 
 casting cold glances at me ; while my mother 
 wrapped me in her arms, covered my face 
 with her tears, and kept repeating, " How 
 could you be so naughty, and give your 
 father such pain \ " 
 
 By degrees, however, matters were placed 
 on a pleasanter footing. Mr Sutcliffe in-
 
 54 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 sisted "that it could not be denied the 
 boy's feelings bad been hurt, and that he 
 had shown a high spirit ; " and my father 
 was gradually brought to admit that there 
 might be a good deal to be urged in my 
 favour. 
 
 At last one of Mr Sutcliffe's myrmidons, 
 otherwise the superintendent of police, sent 
 in to say that he had discovered the stolen 
 penholder, which had lately been sold for 
 eighteenpence to a jeweller in a village near 
 Dr Barkum's school. Upon heariDg this in- 
 telligence, Mr Sutcliffe ordered the superin- 
 tendent to seize the penholder, and to desire 
 the honest jeweller's immediate attendance 
 at Cumberland House. The superintendent 
 departed in his dog-cart to execute these 
 orders, and two hours afterwards Mr Sut- 
 cliffe conveyed my mother and father and 
 myself in his carriage to Dr Barkum's house.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 55 
 
 The learned Doctor received us at his 
 door in person, and greeted Mr SutclifTe 
 and my parents with much politeness, 
 though he took no sort of notice of my 
 presence. We then all entered the house ; 
 my three protectors went into the drawing- 
 room with Barkum, while I was left for a 
 time in another room which communicated 
 with the drawing-room by folding doors. 
 Being very anxious to learn what was about 
 to be done to me, I applied my ear to the 
 keyhole of the folding doors and greedily 
 listened. For I should not be telling the 
 truth were I to state either that " I had 
 never wilfully played the eavesdropper,' 7 
 or that " I was reluctantly compelled to 
 hear all that passed/' However, I will 
 not fatigue the reader by giving a lengthy 
 abstract of the conversation which I heard. 
 Suffice it to say, Dr Barkum began by
 
 56 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 announcing his intention of flogging me. 
 My father then declared, amidst some 
 interruption and remonstrance from his 
 better half, that he should agree to my 
 being flogged providing that Dr Barkum 
 still thought such a punishment neces- 
 sary, after he had heard what was to be 
 alleged in my favour. Mr Sutcliffe next 
 took up the theme, and having dwelt with 
 evident relish on the share which he as a 
 justice had taken in the matter, declared 
 that the only thing remaining to be done 
 was to introduce the jeweller, and cause 
 him to identify the boy who had sold him 
 the penholder. 
 
 This is the substance of all that I heard ; 
 and I had barely time to quit my post at 
 the folding doors, and assume an attitude 
 of penitence at a distant window, when I 
 was summoned into the presence of Dr
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 57 
 
 Barkum and my deliverers. The jeweller 
 was now in attendance, and he was at once 
 conducted into the schoolroom. There, 
 after some little delay, he amazed every one 
 by identifying Fisher himself as the boy 
 who had sold him the penholder ! 
 
 When this result had been made known 
 to my father and mother, they took their 
 departure with Mr Sutcliffe. They did not 
 attempt to conceal their satisfaction at the 
 course matters had taken. Mr Sutcliffe, 
 however, though he was in reality nearly 
 ready to dance, chose to assume a stiff 
 official bearing : and as he was leaving* 
 the house, conversed principally with the 
 superintendent. 
 
 When they had all gone, and Fisher had 
 been removed to a place of security in the 
 house, I made a triumphal entry into the 
 schoolroom. I was received with three
 
 58 AUTOBIOGEAPHY OF 
 
 clieers ; and Barkum withdrew, apparently 
 bewildered at not having as yet flogged 
 any one. The boys left their desks, and 
 came to offer me their sincere consfratula- 
 tions ; while even Marter, counterfeiting an 
 expression of honest joy, gave me his hand, 
 remarking that he was " right glad " all 
 had ended so well. Perhaps, when this 
 arch- traitor offered me his hand, I should 
 have proudly drawn myself up and declined 
 the proffered honour ; but at ten years old, 
 I had not enough heroism for that. The 
 specious truism that " Boys are very like 
 men," was manifested by the way in which 
 my schoolfellows now treated me. 
 
 " I am so awfully glad," said one. 
 
 "Well done, old chap ! " said another. 
 
 " What shall we do to Fisher ? " said some. 
 
 "What a jolly sell for old Marter!" re- 
 marked others.
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 59 
 
 I was made the hero of the hour. Dr 
 Barkum sent for me in the course of 
 the afternoon, and for a few moments led 
 me to fear, from his peculiar demeanour, 
 that he intended to flog me after all. But 
 he only lectured me for having run away ; 
 told me that he was " in loco pawentis" 
 and then said, that although my mother 
 and father had begged him to let me taste 
 the birch if desirable, he had yet deter- 
 mined to let me off with an admonition. 
 
 The next dav Fisher's father, who, in 
 spite of the penurious nature of Fisher's 
 crime, was reputed a man of great wealth, 
 paid Dr Barkum a long visit, and then 
 took his departure. Soon afterwards, we 
 were all ordered to assemble in the school- 
 room. "We sat down at our desks, de- 
 lightedly awaiting a scene of violent retri- 
 bution ; and Dr Barkum presently came in,
 
 60 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 escorting the miserable prisoner, who sobbed 
 in a manner which rather assuaged our 
 indignation. We were undecided whether 
 he would be birched, expelled, or merely 
 caned in public, and sent to Coventry. 
 AVhat, then, was our surprise when Barkum, 
 after saying that Fisher's father was " over- 
 whelmed with gwief," and that Fisher him- 
 self " was vewy sowwy he had been so 
 foolish," released him ; told us to forget 
 his offence ; and dismissed us to the play- 
 ground ! Arrived there, Tyce and other 
 leaders of public opinion held a council of 
 war, after which a deputation was sent to 
 apprehend Fisher. He was found hiding 
 in the swimming-bath ; but he was quickly 
 taken up. Having been brought before a 
 boys' tribunal, he was sentenced to offer 
 me a public apology, and, in addition, to 
 "run the gauntlet."
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 61 
 
 He told me, in a voice full of despair 
 and terror, " That he was very sorry for 
 having offended me." 
 
 " And for having told a beastly bung" 
 added Herbert Tyce. 
 
 "And for having told a bung," said 
 Fisher. 
 
 " A beastly bung" cried all the judges. 
 
 " A beastly bung" said the poor prisoner. 
 
 Two ranks were next formed, facing each 
 other, and each boy made knots in his 
 handkerchief — and I believe some of the 
 knots contained horse - chestnuts. Fisher 
 was then caused to run down these ranks, 
 which he did, bounding along, with his 
 arms in a posture of defence before his 
 face. He was made to do this twice ; and 
 the second time, just as he finished his 
 course, he was somehow tripped up, and 
 this caused him to fall with his face on the
 
 62 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 gravel. Justice having been thus satisfied, 
 the victim was left, morally and physically- 
 prostrate. 
 
 He received succour almost immediately 
 in the person of Mr Marter, who, running 
 up, tenderly raised him, at the same time 
 inquiring, " 'Oo 'as been hurting you 1 " 
 
 Fisher very sagely replied that he had 
 tumbled down ; and as we ran off to our 
 game, we saw the amiable couple walk 
 away together in the direction of the 
 under -masters' room, where Marter occa- 
 sionally regaled any special favourite with 
 a glass of beer. 
 
 After my great escapade, I found my 
 popularity more firmly established than it 
 had ever been before ; and even my enemy 
 Marter seemed to have learnt a wholesome 
 lesson, if not in charity, at all events in 
 prudence.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. G3 
 
 CHAPTEE VI. 
 
 I shall now ask the reader to suppose me 
 spending my holidays at Hare Place, my 
 home, not many miles from the important 
 country town of Wolvenden. As to what 
 my home was, I shall not give any special 
 description of it myself, for I thus hope 
 to avoid exciting either the envy or the 
 contempt of my readers, whom I leave to 
 imagine the domestic comfort of a tolerably 
 wealthy country gentleman according to 
 their own notions of fitness. Of my father, 
 I beg to say he was a kind husband, an 
 indulgent parent, and a foolish landlord. 
 His virtues were many; for he was just,
 
 64 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 honourable, kind-hearted, and sincere. His 
 failings may all be summed up in one word, 
 — he was weak. He was especially weak in 
 constantly gratifying, to the great detriment 
 of his own affairs, an unnatural craving for 
 " business," for which he really possessed a 
 peculiar inaptitude. He persisted in man- 
 aging his own estate, long after it had 
 plainly appeared that by employing an 
 agent he would have at once saved money 
 and escaped a certain amount of unpopu- 
 larity. In his household the same weak- 
 ness caused him to take upon himself many 
 duties which his wife, or her housekeeper, 
 were perfectly willing, and very much 
 more fitted, to discharge. Of my mother, 
 I can honestly say, that she was all that a 
 tender, affectionate, devout woman of medi- 
 ocre intellect could reasonably be expected 
 to be. This is surely saying a great deal,
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 65 
 
 notwithstanding which, I must add that it 
 is only the conviction that I should be con- 
 sidered a partial and unreliable witness 
 which restrains me from saying that my 
 mother was the most conspicuous ornament 
 among her whole sex. 
 
 During the holidays that I am about to 
 describe, one of the first measures which I 
 took, after coming home, was to establish in 
 the house a school of my own, where I en- 
 deavoured to inculcate in others some of the 
 discipline I had learned at the hands of Dr 
 Barkum. My father happened to have pre- 
 served the cap which he had worn at college, 
 and he lent it to me, at my request, in order 
 to support my new character. For a gown, 
 I wore a black silk petticoat which I had 
 contrived to procure from my mother's 
 wardrobe ; and I very soon armed myself 
 with a cane. Thus equipped, like any other 
 
 VOL. i. e
 
 66 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 schoolmaster, I cast about for pupils ; and 
 succeeded so well, that in a day I was able 
 to rano;e in front of me the head-gardener's 
 son, James ; a boy from the stable, called 
 Carter ; and two cousins of the name of 
 LongstafFe, who had come over to spend 
 the day with me. 
 
 I then began school by making the 
 pupils read aloud. Carter was so illiterate 
 that I soon had to cane him. He took 
 his punishment very well, though he an- 
 noyed me by feigning to be more severely^ 
 hurt than he really was. James also gave 
 me some trouble. In his desire to enter 
 into the spirit of the entertainment, he 
 intentionally made several blunders, and 
 I was compelled to cane him as well as 
 Carter. So far I succeeded pretty well, 
 but when it came to the turn of the elder 
 Longstaffe to read, he flatly refused.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 67 
 
 " What rot this is, Tom ! " said he ; 
 " we're wasting the whole day." 
 
 " Silence ! " said I. 
 
 " Ass ! " said he. 
 
 Determined to quell such mutinous be- 
 haviour at once, I ordered him to prepare 
 for punishment — that is, to partially undress 
 himself. He only protruded his tongue at 
 me, however ; so I marched upon him, and 
 called upon James and Carter to assist me. 
 
 Here, again, their natural stupidity upset 
 my plans ; for instead of helping me, they 
 began to shout " Hurrah ! Eebellion in the 
 school ! " and to throw their books into the 
 air. At the same moment I was attacked 
 by the two Longstaffes, who wrapped my 
 black silk petticoat round my head, pushed 
 me into a corner, and then rushed from 
 the room. James and Carter also beat a 
 retreat, and my school broke up, never to
 
 68 AUTOBIOGKAPHY OF 
 
 reassemble. But I soon began to occupy 
 my time with more exciting amusements. 
 
 My uncle had given me a small double- 
 barrelled gun, and I was one day allowed 
 to go out shooting, under the charge of 
 a keeper. He took me at first to a place 
 abounding with rabbits. On the other side 
 of a hedge, by this spot, was a kind of 
 hovel, inhabited by a reputed witch. My 
 first shot was at a rabbit, which was close 
 to the hovel when I fired. I missed the 
 rabbit with both barrels, but, unfortunately, 
 hit the reputed witch in the foot. I sup- 
 pose she had been taking the air outside 
 her cottage ; but I had not seen her, nor, I 
 presume, had the keeper. To the reputed 
 witch the consequences of this act were not 
 at all serious, indeed they were rather ad- 
 vantageous. To me, it is my opinion that 
 they were not of the smallest consequence.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 69 
 
 Nevertheless, as an honest historian, I will 
 not suppress something which passed, — some 
 words uttered by the reputed witch, al- 
 though the disclosure may have a very bad 
 effect upon the convictions of a superstitious 
 reader. 
 
 At the time of the accident, or outrage, 
 I was protected from the personal violence 
 of the victim by my friend the keeper, who 
 prevented her from coming through a gap 
 in the hedge to attack me, and thus gave 
 me time to make my escape. In the course 
 of the day, however, towards evening, she 
 came to my father, and lodged her com- 
 plaint against me. He already knew what 
 had happened ; and having heard the old 
 woman's version of the affair, expressed his 
 sincere regret for what had taken place, 
 and also tendered her a sovereign. Having 
 received the sovereign, the reputed witch
 
 70 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 hurled it, not in my father's face, but into 
 a convenient spot whence she afterwards 
 recovered it, and then raising her voice 
 into a scream, denounced him and all his 
 house, whose destruction she also predicted. 
 " You will all come to want," said she ; 
 " Hare Place will change hands ; and you 
 will be buried like a dog." 
 
 She then left him and proceeded to the 
 servants' hall, where she repeated her ter- 
 rible prophecies in the hearing of the boy 
 Carter and two maids. Swinton the but- 
 ler presently came in, and desired her to 
 leave the house. Having informed him 
 "that before another Michaelmas came he 
 would be food for worms," she obeyed. 
 The sequel will supply all the comment 
 that the incident just narrated requires. 
 
 For some time after my misadventure 
 with my gun, I was not permitted to go on
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 71 
 
 any more shooting expeditions. Clandes- 
 tinely, however, I contrived to kill a hare, 
 which I buried. The keeper, whose know- 
 ledge of all that took place in connection 
 with his department was nothing else than 
 marvellous, exhumed my hare soon after I 
 had buried it, and having earnestly begged 
 me never to displease my father, I believe 
 ate it for his dinner. 
 
 But I must now describe events of more 
 importance which transpired at Hare Place 
 while I was enjoying my holidays there. 
 We had in the house a footman of the 
 name of White, a favourite servant of my 
 father, who had almost brought him up 
 under his own eye. White was the post- 
 humous child of a celebrated poacher, who 
 had been killed in a midnight affray ; and 
 my father, having first educated young 
 White, had then employed him in the sue-
 
 72 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 cessive posts of drudge, page-boy, and foot- 
 man. The latter position he had now held 
 for about five years, and had, in my father s 
 opinion at least, fully repaid all the kind- 
 ness which had been bestowed upon him. 
 It was his practice always to consult my 
 father as to the investment of his savings ; 
 while my mother was pleased by White's 
 occasionally asking her to lend him a se- 
 rious book, though he admitted that his 
 favourite works were Gibbon's ' Decline 
 and Fall of the Roman Empire,' and Bur- 
 ton's 'Anatomy of Melancholy.' There- 
 fore, when this trusted and well -beloved 
 retainer, soon after my coming home, was 
 declared by the village surgeon to be 
 afflicted with a most malignant form of 
 gout, a hearty and almost general sym- 
 pathy was immediately expressed for him ; 
 and he received the greatest care and at-
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 
 
 tention. The whole household waited on 
 him. My father with his own hands 
 gave him whisky and Vichy water ; my 
 mother caused chickens and pudding to be 
 prepared for him ; the gardener brought 
 him grapes ; and, in short, every one did 
 their best to make him comfortable, and 
 to promote his recovery. But in spite of 
 all this, White's complaint did not amend ; 
 and at length his foot gave him such pain 
 that he was unable to walk ; whereupon 
 the doctor, who was a very sensible man, 
 ordered him not to do so. Then, by my 
 father's directions, the patient was removed 
 from his bedroom at the top of the house 
 to a more spacious apartment lower down ; 
 and there he lay, day and night, his left 
 foot enveloped in bandages. The butler, 
 Swinton, I should have mentioned, did not 
 join in the general commiseration expressed
 
 74 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 for poor White ; and was reported to have 
 said that if he (Swinton) was to have the 
 gout, nobody would come and nurse him 
 — which was perfectly true. 
 
 I often visited White, and generally 
 found him engaged in reflection. My 
 father, however, more than once caught him 
 engrossed in Gibbon's ' Decline and Fall 
 of the Eoman Empire/ The poor fellow 
 apologised for what he called his presump- 
 tion, but said, " I heard that you were 
 going to Rome, next Easter, sir, and I was 
 determined I'd know something about it." 
 My father was much pleased with him, 
 both for his intelligence and simplicity. 
 
 White and his malady had chiefly en- 
 grossed our attention for about a fortnight, 
 when a very stirring incident took place. 
 The house was plundered at night, nearly 
 all the plate, and a great deal of other
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 75 
 
 valuable property being stolen. No noise 
 had been heard by any one ; and neither 
 my father nor the police could come to 
 any conclusion as to who the robbers could 
 have been, or where they could have taken 
 their booty. The detective who came down 
 from London to inquire into the case, 
 brought nothing but trouble into the house. 
 My father would not be consoled for the 
 loss of his plate ; most of the servants 
 began to talk of resigning their situa- 
 tions; and poor White, already severely 
 shattered, was made the victim of a most 
 heartless and wanton experiment. The 
 detective, accompanied by Swinton the 
 butler, went to the landing outside the 
 footman's door, and there shouted " Fire ! " 
 at the top of his voice. White, being 
 unable to move, uttered most piteous cries 
 for help, and at the same time rang his bell
 
 76 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 in such a frenzy of terror that he broke 
 the bell-rope. Swinton explained what had 
 been done as a joke ; but his conduct made 
 every one indignant, and we were not sorry 
 that he took his departure soon afterwards. 
 The detective also went away in disgrace. 
 The robbery occasioned every one more or 
 less inconvenience ; and a foolish house- 
 maid caused me some uneasy nights by 
 occasionally coming to look under my bed 
 in quest of "a man." My father and 
 mother were vexed also by having lost 
 papers of some value ; and I heard my 
 father observe that the abstraction of one 
 of these documents might some day be of 
 more consequence than the loss of all his 
 plate. The reputed witch, of whom I have 
 made some mention in this chapter, had 
 expressed great exultation on hearing of 
 the burglary ; and as she had for several
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 77 
 
 months neglected to pay her weekly rent 
 of two shillings, my father was not sorry 
 to hear, about this time, that she had 
 voluntarily quitted her cottage, and had 
 left our neighbourhood.
 
 78 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTEE VII. 
 
 Before I returned to school, my friends the 
 Sutcliffes came to pay us a visit — Mr Sut- 
 cliffe having been especially allured to 
 Hare Place through its having so recently 
 been the scene of a robbery. Under ordi- 
 nary circumstances, nothing would have 
 pleased me better than to have again 
 beheld my little friend Helena; but it so 
 chanced that I was just then passing through 
 a phase of manly dignity which caused me 
 to look upon her as a wholly unsuitable 
 companion. She was not mischievous 
 enough ; she was unable to climb ; she 
 could not talk school slang ; in short, she
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 79 
 
 had the misfortune to be a girl. For the 
 first two days of her visit, therefore, I 
 almost entirely left her alone. 
 
 The dignity of my sex made me not only 
 thus neglect her, but, in my blindness, force 
 my presence upon my elders and betters — 
 namely, my father and Mr SutclifFe. As 
 an only son, I was permitted the indulgence 
 of dining with my parents, though I was 
 always led from the room when the ladies 
 retired. Now, however, I resolved to sit 
 over my wine like a grown-up man. One 
 night, therefore, as soon as I had been 
 taken to the drawing-room, I quietly left it, 
 and returned to the o;entlemen. 
 
 " Well, Tom," said my father, upon see- 
 ing me, " what do you want ? " 
 
 " Nothing, papa," answered I. 
 
 He then good - naturedly resumed the 
 conversation which I had interrupted. " I
 
 80 AUTOBIOGEAPHY OF 
 
 have always believed," lie said, " that if I 
 had gone into business as a young man, I 
 should have made a large fortune." 
 
 "Many people have thought the same," 
 observed Mr Sutcliffe, adding, " if I had 
 found it necessary to work for my bread, I 
 should have become an Old Bailey barrister ; 
 and if I had, I'm very sure I should have 
 risen — perhaps have been a judge, by 
 now." 
 
 " I don't think you would have quite 
 done for a judge, Sutcliffe," said my father, 
 smiling, " for you would have betrayed too 
 much relish in discharging your office." 
 
 " I should have been as grave as any 
 man in assuming the black cap," said Mr 
 Sutcliffe. 
 
 " Which is as much as to say that you 
 would have enjoyed sentencing a man to 
 death," said my father.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 81 
 
 "It is a very terrible, a very awful re- 
 sponsibility," observed Mr Sutcliffe. 
 
 Upon this I laughed, and began eating 
 some nuts. Both gentlemen looked at me, 
 and at each other, in a significant manner, 
 and Mr Sutcliffe presently said : " Don't 
 you think, Allen, when two friends of a 
 certain time of life get together, the pres- 
 ence of a third person of a less advanced 
 age, rather restrains their free conversa- 
 tion ? " 
 
 Understanding this hint, I hastened from 
 the room, my cheeks burning, and for the 
 rest of that evening was fain to content 
 myself with the society of my mother and 
 little Helena. 
 
 The next day I made another attempt to 
 assert my importance. Soon after break- 
 fast was finished, I saw my father and Mr 
 Sutcliffe walking off together in the direc- 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 82 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 tion of a neighbouring farm ; and I at once 
 quitted Helena's side, and joined them. I 
 found Mr SutclifFe smoking a cigar, and 
 being anxious to put matters on a comfort- 
 able footing at once, I asked him, "Is it 
 jollier smoking in the open air than smok- 
 ing in the house is ? " 
 
 "Why, what do you know about smok- 
 ing ? " he replied ; at the same time giving 
 me, in playfulness, a pretty smart blow with 
 his cane. 
 
 My father then increased my agony of 
 body and mind by pulling my ear, and say- 
 ing, "What have you done with Helena, 
 Tom % Go and show her everything; you're 
 not half a boy." 
 
 Deeply mortified, I returned to Helena ; 
 and being now in a very humble frame of 
 mind, I was not long in discovering that 
 although she did belong to the despised
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 83 
 
 sex, Helena was certainly my superior in 
 the art of talking; and as she only used 
 this superiority in an agreeable manner, she 
 soon soothed my agitation, and made me 
 very happy in her society. 
 
 One day, shortly before the SutclifFes left 
 us, we received a visit from a Mr Ralph 
 Graham, who was second cousin to Mr 
 Sutcliffe, and slightly acquainted with my 
 father. Mr Graham brought with him his 
 son Philip, who afforded us all some amuse- 
 ment. He was about eleven years old, and 
 was attired in the dress of the Blue-coat 
 School, to which he belonged. The first 
 peculiarity which he exhibited was at lun- 
 cheon, when, having been invited to put a 
 few apples in his pocket, he opened a large 
 hollow place in his gown, and instantly 
 launched three apples and a bun into 
 it. My father good-humouredly observed,
 
 84 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 " You seem to have a famous pocket ; 
 take some cake as well, if you have room 
 for it." 
 
 Philip once more opened the cavern, and 
 threw a large slice of cake into it. 
 
 But I must here say a few words as to 
 Philip's father, Mr Kalph Graham. In the 
 first place, as to his Christian name, I can- 
 not help regretting my present inability to 
 dispel a really monstrous delusion common 
 to nearly all experienced readers ; for I am 
 compelled to admit that this "Ralph" was 
 certainly more or less of a rascal. His ras- 
 cality was principally shown in a practice 
 he had of floating small companies (I will 
 not waste time by inventing amusing names 
 for them), or embarking upon schemes of 
 speculation with other people's capital in- 
 stead of with his own. He had now come 
 to Hare Place in order to ask for my father's
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 85 
 
 substantial support in a plan of this sort, 
 which he was then devising. I will not 
 spoil whatever interest the sequel may 
 possess by here stating whether Mr Kalph 
 Graham had any influence for evil or for 
 good in my father's affairs ; but I trust that 
 if any such influence is disclosed in the 
 course of this history, its nature and extent 
 will be carefully noted by the reader. 
 
 On the first occasion of my seeing Mr 
 Graham and his son, it was to the latter 
 that I paid most of my attention. I en- 
 deavoured to make myself agreeable to him, 
 but met with indifferent success. He took 
 a great fancy to a knife which I had shown 
 him, and he asked me ' ' how much I would 
 take for it ? " 
 
 I told him that he might keep it, if he 
 pleased. "Are you greening?" he asked. 
 " No ; take it," said I, giving him the knife.
 
 86 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Upon which he immediately threw it into 
 the great pocket ; and then, afraid lest I 
 should change my mind, gathered up the 
 skirts of his gown, and ran at full speed 
 to his father. 
 
 When Mr Kalph and Master Philip had 
 taken their departure, Helena observed that 
 Philip was "a horrid boy/' and I fear we 
 all of us agreed that he was. 
 
 I must now take a last fond glimpse of 
 Dr Barkum and his academy for young 
 gentlemen.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 87 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 I was nearly fourteen years old, and had 
 spent about three years under the periodical 
 care of Dr Barkum, when it was decided 
 that I should be sent to Eton. I had only 
 two more days to pass at a private school, 
 and I looked forward to my fast-approach- 
 ing emancipation with mingled feelings. 
 I was pleased at the prospect of making 
 a step in life, but I felt no little regret at 
 having to resign the position I had grad- 
 ually gained, which was one of considerable 
 consequence. For I was now the leader of 
 the other boys in every game and diversion,
 
 88 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 and in every scheme of pleasure or mis- 
 chief. I was, in fact, a ruler on a small 
 scale — my system of government being 
 a benevolent despotism, only tempered by 
 the supervision of the masters. My sub- 
 jects were now testifying their glee at the 
 near approach of the holidays, by pound- 
 ing one another with their fists, exclaiming 
 as they did so : — 
 
 " Last day but one, 
 Take it all in fun." 
 
 Of this adage, Dr Barkum himself did not 
 seem to approve ; for he caned, birched, 
 thumped, and bumped his pupils up to the 
 last moment. Before being dismissed to 
 our homes, we had to take part in an im- 
 portant entertainment, some particulars of 
 which I must here record. 
 
 The school year was divided into three 
 terms, but only at the end of one term was
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 89 
 
 this festival held. The proceedings con- 
 sisted in a distribution of prizes, some 
 athletic sports, and a banquet. This year, 
 the lord -lieutenant of the county, a noble- 
 man who was seeking to identify himself 
 with educational and church matters, pre- 
 sided. Lord L was exceedingly fond 
 
 of office of any kind ; and the honour that 
 he conferred upon Dr Barkum, in con- 
 senting to distribute his prizes, was cer- 
 tainly repaid by the delight which he him- 
 self derived from the occasion. At eleven 
 
 o'clock, Lord L arrived, and presently 
 
 took his seat upon a prepared dais in the 
 schoolroom. He was supported on his right 
 hand by our worthy principal, and on his 
 left by a certain popular Eton master. The 
 latter — although he disliked Barkum — en- 
 couraged these gatherings, from the friend- 
 ship he had formerly borne for Barkum's
 
 90 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 predecessor and father-in-law, Dr Wild- 
 bull. 
 
 Every one being assembled, and all being 
 in readiness, Lord L rose; and hav- 
 ing overcome his desire to laugh outright 
 with enjo) T ment, in slow and solemn accents 
 delivered himself somewhat as follows : — 
 
 " Dr Barkum, ladies and gentlemen, 
 — We are assembled on this happy occasion 
 for the purpose of rewarding the successful 
 efforts which Dr Barkum's scholars have 
 made during the past term. Upon me has 
 devolved the honour, or I may say the sat- 
 isfaction, of presenting the successful com- 
 petitors with the laurels which they have 
 won. Whatever slight diffidence I may 
 feel in performing my allotted task, I am 
 sure that that diffidence is materially les- 
 sened, I may say almost dispelled, when I 
 see at my side, ready with his support, a
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 91 
 
 gentleman so eminently and honourably 
 associated with the question of the success- 
 ful training of youth — I allude to our friend 
 
 Mr H . I believe I am accurate in 
 
 stating that Mr H and myself were 
 
 contemporaries at Eton." [Some whispering 
 here took place between the speaker and 
 the gentleman to whom he had referred.] 
 
 "Well," Lord L resumed, "if we were 
 
 not exactly contemporaries, we at least 
 both of us owe whatever acquirements we 
 may possess to the same noble institution, 
 to Eton, where I trust many of you are 
 likewise going." [Here, those boys who were 
 going to Eton applauded ; and the future 
 Harrovians and others looked scornful] 
 "To give away the prizes in this room," 
 continued his lordship, " is a pleasure which 
 has fallen to my lot more than once before ; 
 and — it may not be within the recollection
 
 92 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 of some of those here present, but — I also 
 once attended a similar ceremony in the 
 time of Dr Wildbull ; a gentleman whose 
 name is still honoured and cherished, not 
 only at the great seat of learning with 
 which he was more especially connected, 
 but in every scientific circle throughout the 
 length and breadth of Europe ! I say that 
 I have presided, or that I have been pre- 
 sent, upon former occasions such as this ; 
 but this occasion I shall mark with a red 
 letter in my calendar, for I have the great 
 satisfaction of knowing that never before 
 has the school been in such a flourishing 
 state; never before have the able and 
 energetic labours of Dr Barkum and the 
 gentlemen whose pride it is to assist him, 
 been brought to such perfection ; and never 
 before, so far as I can understand, has the 
 general moral tone that prevails, been so
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 93 
 
 healthy, and so creditable to all concerned 
 in the wellbeing and prosperity of the 
 school. I will detain you, ladies and 
 gentlemen, no longer ; but will merely 
 mention, in conclusion, that it will now be 
 my gratification to award the prizes to an 
 unusually large number of young people, 
 to whom, collectively, I wish continued 
 success in their journey through life ; and 
 to whom, individually, I may perhaps ad- 
 dress a few more words." 
 
 Amidst much cheering and stamping, 
 
 Lord L resumed his seat ; and the 
 
 boys who were to receive prizes then came 
 to him in turn. In due course my own 
 name was announced, for I was so fortu- 
 nate as to have won the Greek prize. As 
 I came forward, Dr Barkum observed that 
 I had only commenced learning Greek 
 a year ago, but that I had made more
 
 94 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 rapid progress than many others who had 
 begun to study Greek sooner. Upon this, 
 
 Lord L asked me, " Have you ever 
 
 heard of a fable called ' The Hare and the 
 Tortoise ' ? " I answered that I had ; and 
 his lordship, good-humouredly smiling, con- 
 tinued, "Now, which have you been — the 
 Hare or the Tortoise ? " Instead of trying 
 to follow his real drift, I just weighed in 
 my own way the relative merits of the two 
 beasts, and said, " the Tortoise ; " whereupon 
 Dr Barkum bent an evil glance upon me, 
 and made at the same time a slight and 
 almost mechanical motion with his hand 
 — while everybody else, including Lord 
 
 L , burst out laughing. However, 
 
 they gave me my prize. 
 
 In the athletic sports which followed, 
 I earned more honours ; and I also dis- 
 tinguished myself at the banquet which
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 95 
 
 brought the official festivity of the day to 
 an end. But disgrace was in store for me 
 that very night. "We had an ancient cus- 
 tom of spending, or rather of attempting to 
 spend, our last night in sleepless carouse 
 and festivity. In my capacity of king, or 
 " benevolent despot," I had full power to 
 have put an end to this ceremony alto- 
 gether ; but a natural taste for mischief, 
 and also a due regard to my popularity, 
 made me rather choose to superintend the 
 carousal, and see that it and all the noc- 
 turnal festivities, were conducted with pru- 
 dence and proper precaution. When we 
 had retired to our dormitories, therefore, 
 I commenced matters by sending out two 
 sharp little boys as sentinels at a distant 
 stair-case, whence the approach of Dr Bar- 
 kum could be seen and duly communicated 
 to us in time. Having done this, I sent
 
 96 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 word to the occupants of each of the three 
 other dormitories besides my own, that the 
 business of the night might commence ; 
 or, in other words, that supper could be 
 served at once. 
 
 In my own room, tenanted by ten boys 
 in all, we were soon assembled round my 
 bed in our night-shirts, and we ate and 
 drank very comfortably for upwards of a 
 quarter of an hour. Then a slight noise 
 outside caused us all to pause, and to 
 regard one another with faces of gloomy 
 inquiry. In another moment our two sen- 
 tinels rushed into the room, and each ut- 
 tering the word "Cave!" leaped into bed, 
 and apparently fell into a deep sleep. All 
 the revellers also ran quickly to their beds, 
 and to all appearance became instantly 
 overcome by slumber. For my own part, 
 I had just found time to sweep into my
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 97 
 
 bed a mass of unconsumed pastry and 
 orange-peel, and to follow the general 
 example, when the door was pushed open, 
 and Dr Barkum, attired in a dressing-gown, 
 and carrying a lighted candle, entered the 
 room. 
 
 After looking sternly about him, he 
 demanded — " Was any boy out of his bed 
 just now ? " 
 
 He repeated this question, and then, 
 slowly walking through the room, held his 
 lighted candle near to each boy's face, in 
 succession. We one and all bore this or- 
 deal with fortitude, though the snores of one 
 lad, Drinkwater, were so exaggerated, that 
 I was in a cold sweat for him. 
 
 At length Dr Barkum finished his in- 
 spection ; and when he had blown out his 
 candle, and shut the door with a bang, we 
 believed that we were once more in peace. 
 
 VOL. i. G
 
 98 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 After a little listening, and some whisper- 
 ing, we all rose from our beds, and recom- 
 menced feasting. The two trusty sentinels 
 were now rewarded for the vigilance which 
 they had shown, and liberally supplied with 
 food to fortify them for a renewal of their 
 labours. After we had heard their account 
 of the enemy's first appearance near their 
 post, Drinkwater, the boy who had snored 
 so dangerously, told us that he had been 
 more nearly detected than any one else. 
 
 " I thought it was a false alarm/' said 
 he, "and I'd just got up again to have a 
 look, when I caught sight of his old top- 
 knot " 
 
 " Did you f " said a terrible voice ; and 
 in an instant Dr Barkum was upon us. 
 The weapon with which he had temporarily 
 armed himself was a hair-brush, and with 
 impartial vigour he assailed us all for some
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 99 
 
 minutes, making use of the bristles, as well 
 as the back of the brush, with astonish- 
 ing skill and swiftness. For Drink water a 
 more formal castigation was reserved. He 
 was led away by the ear, and presently 
 returned, sobbing and snivelling from the 
 effects of a hearty birching which he had 
 received in Dr Barkum's dressing-room. 
 
 x4fter this, I deemed it necessary to omit 
 all that remained of our programme ; and 
 I even gave permission to the boys in my 
 room to go to sleep at once, (contrary to 
 all precedent). The next day I bade Dr 
 Barkum a long farewell ; and the reader, if 
 he pleases, may do the same.
 
 100 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 The hero of Cumberland House ; the cricket 
 and football captain ; the umpire and re- 
 feree ; the benevolent despot, was now 
 compelled to mingle with the common 
 herd once more. In plainer words, I was 
 sent to Eton. I very soon experienced 
 some of the disadvantages of having been 
 a great boy at a little school, previous to 
 becoming a little boy at a great school. I 
 may compare my altered position to that of 
 a negro king sold into captivity with some 
 of his subjects. He would be regarded 
 with indifference by his masters ; while of 
 those over whom he had formerly ruled, but
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 101 
 
 who were now his fellow-slaves, some would 
 treat him with base insolence, and others 
 would secretly pay him the same homage 
 as before. 
 
 On going to Eton with some other old 
 schoolfellows, I received little notice from 
 the older boys, beyond being sometimes 
 called upon to tell them my name. Drink- 
 water, who had lately been my flatterer 
 and courtier, laid aside his mask, and be- 
 came disagreeably familiar, and impudently 
 haughty, by turns ; but certain other little 
 boys who had once been under my sway, 
 and who were now allowed to be on an 
 equality with me, continued, whenever they 
 found opportunity, to show me their respect 
 as of old. 
 
 The first sign I perceived of Drinkwater's 
 treason was in the train, when, in company 
 with a number of other lower boys, we were
 
 102 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 going to Eton for the first time. On hear- 
 ing that I was going to the house of a cer- 
 tain " Dame," which he had not heard 
 before, he burst out laughing, and said that 
 
 for his part he was going to " D 's, 
 
 a much better place." After we had been 
 examined also, I was only placed in the 
 "lower fourth," while the hypocritical 
 Drinkwater was given a higher position, 
 (" up to," as we called it, a master named 
 Crowe), and he began to treat me with 
 downright patronage. Instead of daily 
 seeking me out to recount his adventures, 
 and compare them with mine, he now 
 used to hasten past me, when we hap- 
 pened to meet, merely giving me a nod, 
 or calling out, " Morning, Allen ! morn- 
 ing ! " Or else, he would pretend not to 
 see me at all, which sometimes obliged 
 me to throw a stone at him, or use some
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 103 
 
 other violent means of recalling him to 
 his senses. 
 
 I was not altogether without friends, 
 however. I formed an alliance with a boy* 
 named Warburton, with whom I used to 
 mess. He and I were both of us inclined 
 to be idle in our studies, but energetic and 
 ambitious in the games. Also we were 
 both fagged by the same boy, a youth 
 named Martin, whom we both heartily 
 disliked. Martin was not much older than 
 we were, but he was such a good scholar, 
 that he stood higher in the school than any 
 lad of his own age. He used to delight in 
 fagging us ; for he not only gave us the 
 ordinary tasks which we expected to per- 
 form, but practised his wit and learning in 
 inflicting on us ingenious or extraordinary 
 punishments, and in lecturing us at prepos- 
 terous length.
 
 104 AUTOBIOGKAPHY OF 
 
 One afternoon, as Warburton and I were 
 sitting in my room, going through the form 
 of preparing some work for the following- 
 day, Martin shouted for me, and, when I 
 had obeyed the summons, seized me by the 
 nape of my neck, conducted me into his 
 room, and thus spoke : — 
 
 "Now then, my facetious young friend, 
 pray how did you put away my tea-things 
 the other night ? " 
 
 " I put them in the cupboard, Martin," 
 answered I. 
 
 " In the cupboard, did you ? " repeated 
 he. "Now just look in that cupboard, and 
 then tell me whether you aren't a lazy, 
 cocky, young ape." 
 
 Feeling very much like the negro king 
 in captivity, I obeyed the first part of this 
 request, and beheld several handsome prize- 
 books lying covered with a sort of cheese
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 105 
 
 or butter, which had been formed by the 
 milk overturned from the- milk-jug. For 
 my carelessness in putting away his tea- 
 things, and the damage thus caused to his 
 books, Martin made me write out fifty lines 
 of Greek from the Odyssey. 
 
 Soon after this occurrence I was met by 
 Drinkwater, who, instead of passing on 
 after his usual fashion of late, begged me 
 to speak with him for a few minutes. 
 Thinking he was probably in some diffi- 
 culty, in which he required my assistance, 
 I resolved to be generous, and walked 
 aside with him to hear what he had to 
 say. He very gravely addressed me as 
 follows : — 
 
 " Allen, as we were at Barkum's together, 
 
 and all that, I thought I'd just give you a 
 
 ■ little advice. You are getting such a bad 
 
 name with the fellows. You know, you
 
 106 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 won't mind my saying so, but you are 
 awfully cocky " 
 
 At this point I interrupted his sermon 
 by giving him a smart blow on the nose ; 
 whereupon he displayed more good-nature, 
 positive virtue, or " magnificent courage," x 
 than I think I have ever met with at any 
 other time ; for he burst out laughing — as 
 he often did — and exclaimed : " Oh, Pax ! 
 Pax ! I ivas only chaffing." 
 
 Having given him a few cuffs, and having 
 thrown his hat into a neighbouring tree, I 
 let him go : and the correction had a good 
 effect upon him, for thenceforward he be- 
 came friendly but respectful, as of old. 
 But I could not extort submission by any 
 such summary means from the masters, 
 with whom my idleness brought me into 
 
 1 A political or "polemical" phrase of recent invention. 
 The word "cowardice" is nearly synonymous.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 107 
 
 very unpleasant relations. In due course 
 I was subjected to the barbarous punish- 
 ment of six strokes with the birch rod ; 
 and I may observe that, though I hardly 
 felt the first five cuts, I did feel the 
 sixth cut ; and that the main results of the 
 degrading torture were, that I experienced 
 a comfortable sense of warmth, and resolved 
 to be more industrious for the future. 
 
 But I had little time for carrying out my 
 good resolution ; for very soon after my 
 first introduction to the birch, I was seized 
 with scarlet fever, and immediately sent off 
 to the Sanatorium. I suffered very severe 
 illness for about three weeks, and during 
 that time, my mother took up her abode 
 at Windsor, and came to nurse me as often 
 as she was permitted. Then my condition 
 began to improve. My mother, who had 
 many demands on her time, returned to
 
 108 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 her home ; and all that there remained for 
 me to do, was to recover as speedily as 
 possible. 
 
 As soon as I was well enough to know 
 what I was about, and who my friends 
 were, I recognised Drinkwater. He lay 
 in the bed next to mine ; and having been 
 nearly at death's door, was now very calm, 
 reflective, and penitent. Soon after renew- 
 ing acquaintance with one another, he and 
 I amused ourselves by tearing off portions 
 of our skin, and writing our names on the 
 horrible parchments thus obtained. Upon 
 what had been the sole of my foot, I wrote, 
 "Allen, his foot;" but Drinkwater, taking 
 up what had been the palm of his hand, 
 wrote " Hyslop " upon it. 
 
 " What's ' Hyslop ' mean ? " I asked him. 
 
 " It's my name," answered he. 
 
 I was utterly bewildered, and seriously
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 109 
 
 thought that I mast be still delirious. But 
 he presently explained that he had for ever 
 parted with his original surname, which his 
 father, for no sufficient reason, and with 
 scarcely any legal formality, had chosen to 
 alter to one that pleased him better. Still, 
 even after the mystery had been explained, 
 I for some time continued to view Drink- 
 water, or rather Hyslop, with some uneasy 
 doubt. As soon as we were convalescent, 
 we began to amuse ourselves with various 
 suitable games, such as draughts and back- 
 gammon. But he was not content with 
 such innocent diversions. In an evil mo- 
 ment, he persuaded a brother of his (who 
 was allowed to visit the Sanatorium) to 
 purchase him a saloon pistol ; and with this 
 weapon we all three disported ourselves in 
 a garden where we were permitted to walk 
 for a short time every day.
 
 110 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Once, the two Hyslops and I, no authori- 
 ties being on the alert, were each firing by 
 turns at a little pyramid which we had 
 arranged for the purpose ; the strange Hys- 
 lop was in the act of re-erecting the pyra- 
 mid, which I had just overturned, when a 
 slight report was heard, and he fell to the 
 ground, dead ! 
 
 His brother had shot him in the head. 
 He had supposed that the pyramid was 
 ready, and had merely meant to show his 
 address by hitting it again just as it was 
 set up. The fatal accident caused much 
 distress and consternation, as may well be 
 imagined ; and the coroner's jury, who in 
 those days were not given to confusing 
 their duties and responsibilities with those 
 of the judges, on this occasion added to 
 their verdict a very reasonable hope, — viz., 
 that the school authorities would take steps
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. Ill 
 
 to prevent the recurrence of such accidents 
 in the future. 
 
 The sad disaster made a profound im- 
 pression upon my mind. But soon after- 
 wards I was pronounced fit to travel ; my 
 father, and Colonel Thomas, my uncle, came 
 and escorted me home, and my thoughts 
 were diverted from the melancholy cast into 
 which they had fallen.
 
 112 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTEE X. 
 
 I had not been at home for very long when 
 I suffered a serious relapse, which made 
 such inroads into my constitution that 
 my return to Eton became impossible. As 
 soon as I was well enough to proceed with 
 my education, my parents made inquiries 
 for a tutor under whose care they might 
 place me ; and I was sent, in the mean- 
 time, to spend two or three months with 
 my uncle Thomas, at a sanitary resort on 
 the south coast. We were attended by 
 White, my father's favourite servant, who 
 had now recovered from his attack of 
 or>ut ; but whom, nevertheless, it was
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 113 
 
 hoped the change of climate might further 
 benefit. 
 
 I passed away my time very happily with 
 my uncle Thomas. For he was excessively 
 generous, also good-natured and amusing, 
 and, moreover, tolerably young. He used 
 to entertain me with endless anecdotes of a 
 military character. He seldom talked of 
 campaigns, for he had always served in the 
 Guards, and had sold out before the Crimean 
 War ; but he stirred my enthusiasm for his 
 profession no less surely by his tales of: — 
 "an objectionable young man we had once, 
 who had to leave us ; " — " an old quarter- 
 master in my battalion, who used to dye 
 his hair ; " — or, " some rather good fun the 
 young fellows had one night, at the time 
 we were waiting for the Chartists." 
 
 But the Colonel was not the only old 
 friend I saw at this time ; for Mr Sutcliffe 
 
 VOL. I. h
 
 114 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 and his daughter were also paying a visit 
 to the sanitary resort. Helena was now 
 sixteen years old ; and though I do not at 
 all consider that this is the most attractive 
 period in a girl's life, she was certainly a 
 very pretty and engaging little creature. 
 She and I used to ride together for a portion 
 of the day ; but she was a good deal occu- 
 pied in study with her governess and a local 
 drawing-m aster. Her father, however, was 
 constantly at our house. He had a strong 
 friendship for my uncle, and an attachment, 
 I believe, for me ; yet there is no doubt that 
 the person who chiefly interested him was 
 White the footman. 
 
 Once, at luncheon, as White was pouring 
 out a glass of wine for Mr Sutcliffe, the 
 latter suddenly started, and gave a deep 
 contraction to his brow. He then asked 
 my uncle, White having left the room,
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 115 
 
 whether the gouty favourite had ever been 
 suspected of complicity in the great robbery 
 at Hare Place. 
 
 " Poor fellow ! certainly not," answered 
 my uncle ; and he explained how White had 
 been quite unable to move at the time re- 
 ferred to. 
 
 Mr Sutcliffe then said that he was per- 
 fectly satisfied, and that he had merely been 
 joking. But I heard him presently murmur 
 to himself, " He's an impostor, and a black- 
 guard too, for all that." 
 
 On another occasion, Mr Sutcliffe asked 
 me to show him all the rooms in our house. 
 
 " I want to see," said he, "whether you 
 get any sun in those top rooms of yours." 
 
 I took him into every room in the house, 
 and at last into White's bedroom. There, 
 having satisfied himself that a room with 
 a southerly aspect did occasionally receive
 
 116 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 some of the sun's rays, Mr Sutcliffe suddenly 
 pounced upon the pillow of White's bed, 
 exclaiming — 
 
 " Why, what's this ? " 
 
 But he had found only an odd volume of 
 Gibbon's ' Decline and Fall of the Eoman 
 Empire ; ' discovering which, he appeared 
 at once amused and disappointed. 
 
 It must not be supposed, however, that 
 Mr Sutcliffe spent all, or even most, of his 
 time in riding his favourite hobby. He 
 now bestowed a great deal of attention upon 
 his daughter Helena, whom he saw, under 
 his very eye, blossoming from girlhood into 
 womanhood. He seemed to love her more 
 tenderly than he had ever loved her before ; 
 and she certainly returned his affection to 
 his fullest desire, by ever showing herself 
 ready, not only to meet his wishes, but to 
 anticipate them. I have mentioned these
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 117 
 
 facts because I should wish the reader to 
 bear them in mind when I next introduce 
 Helena Sutcliffe to his notice, amidst other 
 scenes, and under very different circum- 
 stances. 
 
 After I had spent some ten weeks with 
 my uncle, my parents wrote to say that 
 they had found me a tutor, to whose care I 
 was to be consigned without more delay. 
 He was a Frenchman, and his name was 
 Tabourot. He lived in his native land, 
 but his pupils were all English, excepting 
 an officer of the Swedish army, and a little 
 Spaniard called Kequiendo. 
 
 It is not my intention to give a faithful 
 account of my life with Monsieur Tabourot, 
 or of all that he himself did and said to my 
 personal knowledge. He was just such a 
 man as the reader will probably imagine 
 him to have been ; that is, he was court-
 
 118 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 eous and honourable, pompous, and some- 
 what ridiculous. He taught his own lan- 
 guage with complete satisfaction to himself, 
 and with advantage to those of his pupils 
 who were really at all willing to learn. 
 For my own part, I had been early trained 
 to a practical acquaintance with French ; 
 and though I took no delight in a dry 
 study of the rudiments, I maintained and 
 improved my proficiency in the proper pro- 
 nunciation of the language, and in the art 
 of fluent conversation. I also acquired, but 
 only by ordinary observation, a considerable 
 insight into the habits and character of the 
 people ; but there the benefit I derived from 
 being sent to Monsieur Tabourot came to 
 an end. After I had been with him for 
 about a year, I wrote home, begging that I 
 might be recalled from exile. My father 
 did not immediately accede to my request ;
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 119 
 
 but in the end lie complied with it, my 
 mother having told him that the climate of 
 France did not agree with me. 
 
 So I returned to my home, and my 
 parents were once more compelled to face 
 the difficulty of having on their hands a 
 youth whose normal condition was that of 
 a schoolboy, but who, owing to circum- 
 stances, had to be provided for in some ex- 
 ceptional manner. They made inquiries, — 
 of which I did not hear the nature or 
 extent, — for another tutor to whom they 
 might send me ; and they presently decided 
 that I should go to a gentleman of the 
 name of Vish, who lived in the north of 
 England. My father now, for the first 
 time, told me that he had come to the 
 conclusion that I ought to choose some 
 profession ; and accordingly, as a week 
 remained before the time for my leaving
 
 120 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 home, I immediately devoted a portion of 
 that interval to the important matter my 
 father had intrusted to me. 
 
 As I was at this time at the enthusiastic 
 age, I very naturally selected the military 
 life, as furnishing a perfect combination of 
 Duty, Pleasure, and Romance. 1 My uncle 
 Thomas pretended to be neutral in his ad- 
 vice, and to be unwilling to influence me ; 
 but I could plainly see that he was pleased 
 with me for wishing to enter the service to 
 
 1 Nearly every youth once in his life wishes to be a soldier, 
 and in this fact can be found the solution of a question^ which, 
 when it has to be faced in a time of panic, will be found most 
 disagreeably pressing. The use of the terms, ' ' compulsory 
 service" and "conscription," has done much harm. A 
 " national repugnance" would certainly be found to dragging 
 middle-aged men from their hearths or desks, in order to clothe 
 them for the first time in scarlet. But no opposition of import- 
 ance would be offered to the course of taking every young man 
 who has reached the enthusiastic age, drilling him at the near- 
 est depot, and returning him uninjured and greatly improved 
 to his friends, with the understanding that his services might 
 possibly be required at some future period.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 121 
 
 which he had belonged. My father, how- 
 ever, upon hearing what were my senti- 
 ments, declared "that he was surprised I 
 had no fancy for the bar," — which I believe 
 was totally untrue. He, however, said that 
 he should not oppose my wishes, if at the 
 end of a year they were still the same.
 
 122 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTEE XI. 
 
 As I was departing for the distant home 
 of Mr Vish, my father, instead of giving 
 me his blessing, furnished me with some 
 modern equivalents in the form of a sum 
 of money and a cheque-book. He did this, 
 he said, from the conviction that a boy 
 should never be injudiciously stinted, but 
 should be fairly given whatever he is to re- 
 ceive, in order that he may, while he is still 
 young, learn something of the value of 
 money. I need hardly say that I applauded 
 these liberal sentiments from the bottom of 
 my heart. I was now sixteen years old, 
 and consequently, when I left my parents,
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 123 
 
 I experienced the sensations of budding im- 
 portance and independence, mingled with a 
 slight form of the discomfort called " home- 
 sickness." 
 
 I found that Mr Vish, my new tutor, was 
 married, but without any family, though 
 I believe two children of his had died in 
 infancy. I afterwards learnt that he had 
 been ordained ; but that, as soon as he had 
 found his holy office to interfere with his 
 tutelary functions, he had without any for- 
 mality called himself a layman. Mr Vish 
 might properly be described as a man of 
 method ; for he observed a method in 
 almost all that he did. He once told us 
 himself, that he had a method of getting 
 out of bed : that he swung himself out in 
 such a manner that his feet should land in 
 a pair of slippers which lay at certain angles 
 upon the floor. He observed method in
 
 124 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 eating his breakfast ; for he arranged before 
 him in proper quantities all that he in- 
 tended to consume during the meal ; also he 
 crunched his bread in such a manner as to 
 sound if he were eating toast, I suppose in 
 order that his subsequent transition to real 
 toast should not startle his palate. His eyes 
 were downcast, and he seemed to be con- 
 stantly counting with his fingers. Of course 
 he taught in a methodical manner ; and 
 he preferred the method of teaching by 
 formula. Nevertheless Mr Vish was the 
 very reverse of what is called a practical 
 man. He had contrived a fixed method 
 for pleasing his wife ; but it was in reality 
 nothing more than a regulation against 
 exasperating her. Mrs Vish, who told me 
 this, also said that her husband had a 
 method or formula by which he hoped to 
 reach heaven ! But he was not so high-
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 125 
 
 minded, or so confident, as to make it 
 public. 
 
 Of Mrs Vish I shall, have more to relate 
 hereafter ; suffice it now to say that she was 
 a woman of very odd character, and that 
 she and her husband did not seem to be 
 on very loving terms. (By which I do not 
 mean to imply that he ever beat her.) 
 
 Of the pupils, besides myself, there were 
 three. One of them was a man who totally 
 differed from the ordinary stamp of pupil, 
 and who, indeed, was quite unlike most of 
 his fellow-creatures. His name was Gar- 
 bold : he was an orphan, and possessed of 
 considerable property in Wales. He was 
 twenty-four years old, and was thus under- 
 going tuition rather late in life. He said, 
 however, that his education had been ne- 
 glected. Nevertheless, he had an extensive 
 knowledge of general literature and history,
 
 126 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 and was a fair Latin scholar. He was a 
 very good-natured, amusing companion ; a 
 firm friend, and not % an implacable enemy. 
 Mr Garbold professed to hold very extra- 
 ordinary principles ; and he cherished some 
 very singular prejudices. He maintained 
 that the human race should be divided into 
 only two classes — serfs and their masters. 
 For men, he advocated polygamy, and even 
 grosser doctrines ; but for women, he con- 
 demned everything of the kind; and de- 
 clared that Providence, in arranging the 
 proportion between the two sexes, had 
 held the same opinions as he held. In 
 person, Mr Garbold was well favoured. 
 Although under the middle height, he 
 was very powerfully built ; he had an 
 aquiline nose, and very pleasing blue 
 eyes. His head inclined to baldness ; he 
 wore large whiskers and moustaches ; and
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 127 
 
 he was generally mistaken for a man of 
 forty. 
 
 Another of the pupils was a youth named 
 Pillett. He was preparing to matriculate. 
 Nothing about him is particularly worthy 
 of record ; but I may mention that he was 
 studious and quietly behaved, and, at the 
 same time, fond of scandal and mischief- 
 making. 
 
 Besides Garbold and Pillett, there was 
 a pupil of the name of Dundas who was 
 studying with Mr Vish. He had lately 
 been expelled from Harrow, for some noto- 
 rious acts of defiance. He was not a little 
 vain of this circumstance, for which I must 
 confess that I also respected him. He and 
 I soon became intimate friends ; for besides 
 being only a little older than I was, Dun- 
 das was going into the army. I used to 
 believe that he had a thorough acquaint-
 
 128 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 ance with military matters, and I often 
 listened to his advice. The following frag- 
 ments of conversation, will fairly disclose 
 the degree of wisdom which distinguished 
 us both at this time : — 
 
 Allen. — I think the service must be 
 very jolly. You're thought a lot of; and 
 you have lots of sport ; and you go to all 
 sorts of rum places. 
 
 Dundas. — Yes ; only you want lots of 
 money. I believe it's a very good dodge to 
 go first into a West Indian regiment ; then 
 you get your promotion in no time, as all 
 the other fellows die, and you exchange into 
 a crack regiment at home. 
 
 Allen. — That must be very jolly. By 
 the by, Dundas, what ought a chap to be 
 able to live on in a crack regiment 1 
 
 Dundas. — Well, you want £300 a- 
 year; but you get two chargers kept
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 129 
 
 for nothing in the cavalry, and you can 
 hunt one of them. 
 
 Allex. — How awfully jolly ! I'm going 
 into the cavalry, if my governor lets me. 
 
 Dundas. — I'm going into the light in- 
 fantry. That's why I wear my hat rather 
 on one side, you know. 
 
 Allen. — I see. I suppose there's nothing 
 like the service for a fellow, nowadays 1 
 
 Dundas. — Oh, nothing ! You knock 
 about for a few years, and then you marry, 
 and settle down. Every fellow ought to 
 have a good fling before he settles down, 
 oughtn't he ? 
 
 Allex. — Oh yes, and see something of 
 the world ! 
 
 Dux das. — The wildest chaps always 
 make the best husbands. 
 
 Allen. — Oh, much the best. How well 
 that meerschaum's colouring: ! 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 130 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Dundas. — Yes. I've had it a good long 
 time ; and I kept it wrapped in chamois- 
 leather at first. 
 
 Thus used we to discourse, with satisfac- 
 tion to ourselves, and without injury to 
 anybody else. I remained very steadfast 
 to my intention of entering the army ; and 
 when my father presently wrote to me, 
 observing " that the army was an idle 
 life/' and that " he hoped I was not only 
 fascinated by a red coat," his remarks had 
 the effect of still further strengthening my 
 resolution. " I love the sort of idleness 
 which he means," thought I ; " and it will 
 be pleasant, as he suggests, to wear a hand- 
 some uniform." 
 
 Both my father and Mr Vish showed 
 some folly in their way of treating me with 
 regard to my profession. My father must 
 have known that I meant to be a soldier,
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 131 
 
 and lie should have found something wiser 
 to say than that the army was an idle life. 
 I believe, however, that he was somewhat 
 prejudiced against my plan, by recollecting 
 the extravagance which his brother (my 
 uncle the Colonel) had shown when he 
 had served in the Guards. But Mr Vish 
 had no proper excuse for making me learn 
 more Greek and Latin than ever, to the 
 neglect of mathematics. His reason for 
 taking that course was, that he did not 
 believe I was going into the army at all ; 
 but supposed that, being at the enthusiastic 
 age, I thought it right to make a show of 
 wishing to be a soldier, when I was really 
 going to Oxford or Cambridge like other 
 young men. 
 
 I soon began to form a closer intimacy 
 with young Dundas, from whom I received 
 an intelligent sympathy with my future de-
 
 132 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 signs. He kept a horse, and this made me 
 respect him even more than the distinction 
 of his having been expelled from Harrow. 
 When he used to mount his horse, and go 
 in quest of adventure in the neighbour- 
 hood, I longed to accompany him ; and I 
 should have written to my father, asking 
 him to enable me to do so, had I not been 
 saved all trouble by the extraordinary 
 good-nature of Mr Garbold, who one day 
 came to me and said "that he would send 
 for one of his animals, which were down in 
 Wales doing nothing, and that I could have 
 the use of him for as long as I pleased." 
 
 I gratefully accepted this kind offer, and 
 was soon afterwards able to ride out with 
 Dundas on his expeditions. We presently 
 formed an eager desire to follow the 
 hounds, and our sole difficulty in gratify- 
 ing this wish was, that there were no
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 
 
 hounds in that part of the country for us 
 to follow. 
 
 Having consulted a newspaper, however, 
 we made out that a pack from another 
 county would meet one day in the next 
 week, at a place about forty miles from Mr 
 Vish's house. We determined to have a 
 day's sport, and accordingly applied to our 
 preceptor for permission to be absent, which 
 he oranted, though not until after the inter- 
 cession of his wife and of Mr Garbold. We 
 set forth one afternoon, with the design of 
 reaching a certain town that night, and 
 hunting the following day. We took the 
 greatest delight in our excursion, especially 
 in the importance which we fancied be- 
 longed to us on account of our taking 
 horses with us in the train. A groom in 
 the service of Mr Garbold accompanied us ; 
 and it was well for our horses that he did
 
 134 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 so, for Dimdas had insisted, against my 
 judgment, that a horse, for one day pre- 
 vious to his being hunted, should have 
 nothing to eat except a little gruel. 
 
 Having arrived at the town which was 
 our destination, we proceeded to the princi- 
 pal inn, and there dined after the manner 
 of two old gentlemen of eighty. For we 
 each tried to drink a separate bottle of 
 port, and declared " that no port was to be 
 got nowadays." Having retired to bed, I 
 dreamt of five-barred gates, double posts and 
 rails, and various incidents in an imaginary 
 chase. My dream was distressing ; for I 
 fancied that I was hunting in my night- 
 shirt, and that Dun das had ridden off with 
 my other clothes. This sleeping thought 
 had been suggested by a waking reality, 
 as, for some time past, I had been brooding 
 with great mortification upon the costume
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 135 
 
 which I was really going to wear, and which 
 simply consisted of a low-crowned hat, a 
 tweed coat and waistcoat, and light-coloured 
 breeches and gaiters. Dundas, however, 
 had tried to console me, by saying " that it 
 was much better form not to come regularly 
 got up." 
 
 The next day (" big with fate," as we ima- 
 gined) we were eating a large breakfast, sup- 
 plemented by cherry-brandy as a . sporting 
 delicacy, when Mr Garbold's groom appeared 
 and told us that he could hear nothing 
 about any hounds, and thought that we 
 must have made some mistake. The land- 
 lord soon afterwards came in, and with his 
 aid we discovered that the hounds we were 
 seeking, actually met at a smaller place, of 
 the same name, some eighty miles distant.
 
 136 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTEE XII. 
 
 Having returned from our ill-planned and 
 untimely expedition, we were subjected to 
 a good deal of ridicule ; and for several 
 days Mr Garbold used to inquire " Whether 
 we intended to hunt ? " or " Where did the 
 hounds meet ? " 
 
 A little mortification, however, was very 
 necessary for me at this time, for I was 
 exposed to a danger which threatened to 
 inflate my pride, and to do a great deal of 
 injury to my morals. Mrs Vish, of whom 
 I have as yet said very little, began to 
 favour me with tokens of a regard which 
 I could not at first understand, but which
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 137 
 
 presently became quite unmistakable. I 
 was not long in perceiving that this state 
 of things was no secret to Mr Garbold. I 
 had already noticed that between him and 
 Mrs Vish there was evidently a very in- 
 timate understanding ; and he seemed to 
 possess some kind of authority over her, for 
 she never interrupted or contradicted what 
 he said, whereas she seemed to be fond of 
 disputing with any one else, and especially 
 with her husband. 
 
 The first assault I received from Mrs 
 Vish was, I suspected, at the instigation of 
 Mr Garbold. He had told her that I could 
 tell fortunes, and that I was particularly 
 eager to tell hers; and the consequence 
 was, that one day, while I was sitting alone, 
 she came in, and without any embarrass- 
 ment begged me to disclose her future 
 to her.
 
 138 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Before I had time to answer her, to my 
 great amazement she laid her hand in mine, 
 but seemed to be struggling to prevent 
 laughing. With a gravity which was really 
 caused by shyness more than by anything 
 else, I examined her palm, but for some 
 time could say nothing. At length, re- 
 membering some fragments of the fortune 
 which a gipsy had once foretold for me, I 
 managed to mutter something which ap- 
 peared to satisfy Mrs Vish. 
 
 Assuming now the air of a student whose 
 perplexity had been happily relieved, she 
 thanked me in the most earnest manner, 
 and then entered into a long discourse upon 
 spirit-rapping, table-turning, and similar 
 topics. At first I was so simple as to 
 suppose that her enthusiasm was genuine, 
 and I was therefore very much surprised 
 when she, having related " an authenticated
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 139 
 
 story " of the appearance of a ghost, told 
 me that she believed it was " all stuff." 
 
 I quietly remarked "that I thought so 
 too." Upon which, Mrs Vish told me 
 "that I was dreadfully sarcastic." 
 
 The ringing of the dinner-bell put a stop 
 to this curious interview ; and after dinner 
 (which we had in the middle of the day), 
 I amused myself in company with Dundas, 
 and for that day saw no more of Mrs 
 Vish. 
 
 The next morning, however, she again 
 sought me out, and this time her discourse 
 was of phrenology. 
 
 She examined my head, and declared 
 that one bump she discovered was the 
 largest she had ever seen of the kind. 
 During these investigations, which Mrs 
 Vish caused to extend over a space of 
 several days, I remained stolidly blind,
 
 140 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 or rather insensible, to the ulterior aims 
 which she evidently had in view ; and I 
 was astonished to find how persistent she 
 was in continuing this deception. She 
 purchased a small bust, and a treatise by- 
 Combe; and at dinner Mr Garbold used 
 to ask us " Whether we had found any 
 more bumps ? " At last, however, Mrs 
 Vish began to neglect the science of phren- 
 ology, and to talk more of the internal 
 dispositions and faculties which that art 
 is said to disclose. She was enthusiastic 
 about the pleasures of friendship, and the 
 ennobling effects of confidence between two 
 minds held together by a common bond. 
 This I found very novel and interesting ; 
 and as in all her discourse she constantly 
 flattered or praised me, I began to like her 
 more and more, and at last felt some degree 
 of filial affection for her.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 141 
 
 I quarrelled with Dundas upon his say- 
 ing — " Do leave that fool of a woman, 
 and come off somewhere with me ; " and 
 as she was always good-tempered and com- 
 plimentary, and as I never heard her swear, 
 I found her society rather an agreeable re- 
 lief from that of my male companions. I 
 was presently obliged to make overtures 
 of peace to Dundas, for one day Mrs Vish 
 asked me to borrow his horse for her, in 
 order that I might take her with me for 
 a ride. Dundas appeared very glad to be 
 reconciled, but declared, with a hearty oath, 
 that Mrs Vish should never have the use 
 of his horse. 
 
 As I have said, Mrs Vish had inspired 
 me with " filial " affection, but this I found 
 it impossible to make her understand. 
 When she narrated, even with tears, mis- 
 fortunes and hardships which she told me
 
 142 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 that she had suffered, I only said, "What 
 a shame 1 " or " Fancy ! " Indeed, in her 
 frequent accounts of her past life, I noticed 
 so many discrepancies and inconsistencies, 
 that they soon excited in me very little 
 compassion. I showed her in many ways 
 that I did not intend to follow the odious 
 path into which she intended to entangle 
 me, but she very rarely betrayed any dis- 
 couragement. 
 
 One day we were seated upon a tomb- 
 stone together. I was complacently hear- 
 ing how "I had looked as black as night " 
 at some observation which Mr Vish had 
 made ; how " my lip had curled " at some 
 remark from Pillett ; how, in short, I was 
 a very fine young fellow, — when Mrs Vish, 
 without any immediate warning, said — 
 " Tom ! do you love me ? " 
 
 It is very strange, yet perfectly true,
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 143 
 
 that, to my eternal honour, I replied, " No, 
 I don't." 
 
 But this did not baffle her, for she said 
 at once — "No; I know you don't. You 
 despise us all. Don't you ? " 
 
 "Not f despise,' Mrs Yish," answered I, 
 colouring deeply. 
 
 Here she commenced sobbing, and ex- 
 claiming — " Why did you ever come here \ 
 Why did you ever come here % " 
 
 " I am very sorry," said I. 
 
 Upon which, giving me a languishing 
 glance, she said — " Poor boy ! of course we 
 are both dreadfully wicked." 
 
 This remark made a seasonable impres- 
 sion on my mind ; and having risen from 
 the tombstone, and returned to the house, 
 I endeavoured to consider that an unfor- 
 tunate episode was ended. I sought once 
 more the honest friendship of Dundas, and
 
 144 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 avoided giving Mrs Vish an opportunity 
 of resuming her confidences. Mr Garbold, 
 who had seen, or who knew what had 
 taken place, now commenced, with dia- 
 bolical pains, to restore harmony between 
 us. With a solemn voice, but laughing 
 countenance, he told me that I had broken 
 Mrs Vish's heart ; and though the state- 
 ment might have been gratifying to my 
 vanity, it caused me some distress ; for, 
 judging by the behaviour of Mrs Vish, I 
 thought there was some foundation for it. 
 She showed loss of appetite at her meals, 
 frequently complained of headaches, and 
 used to roll her eyes at me in a most 
 reproachful manner. I believed, however, 
 that she was no longer labouring under 
 any delusion with respect to my senti- 
 ments ; and a few days before the com- 
 mencement of my holidays, or vacation, I
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 145 
 
 went to her, and made her some imprudent 
 and rather disingenuous speeches, with the 
 object that we should be reconciled before 
 we separated. Mrs Vish received these 
 overtures with an unaffected gladness which 
 smote my conscience. She immediately 
 regained her appetite ; ceased to complain 
 of headaches ; and once more controlled 
 her eyes within the usual bounds of their 
 sockets. When I left Mr Vish's house, 
 Mrs Vish was in tears, and had made me 
 promise to keep up a regular correspondence 
 with her during our cruel separation. 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 146 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 I must now devote a chapter to the affairs 
 of Helena Sutcliffe, whose fortunes I mean 
 from time to time to follow, for certain 
 weighty reasons hereafter to be disclosed ; 
 and I take this opportunity of saying, that 
 as to the apparent mystery of my being 
 able to describe scenes I did not myself 
 witness, and conversations I did not my- 
 self hear, the whole difficulty will be duly 
 explained, — at all events hinted, — in the 
 course of this work. When I last spoke 
 of Miss Sutcliffe she was a girl of sixteen, 
 just finishing her education, and with 
 hardly any other cares to disturb her : at
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 147 
 
 the period of which I am now speaking, 
 she had become a woman, and her peace- 
 ful existence of old had been disturbed by 
 some very momentous episodes. 
 
 Her father, succumbing to an obscure 
 malady from which he had long suffered, 
 died. In nursing him during his fatal ill- 
 ness, Helena displayed heroic qualities of 
 the first order. While she entirely sac- 
 rificed all her own comfort in order to 
 administer to his wants, she nevertheless 
 preserved an appearance of cheerfulness 
 and contentment ; nor did she mar this 
 excellent conduct by attempting to make 
 a merit of it. The task of nursing Mr 
 Sutcliffe must indeed have been excep- 
 tionally difficult. He was apparently be- 
 set by the extraordinary delusion that he 
 was a convict lying under sentence of 
 death. So indeed he was, in a highly
 
 148 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 poetical sense ; but he chose to imagine 
 that he was a convict in the literal and 
 most prosaic sense ; that he was in New- 
 gate, and that he was to suffer by the rope. 
 He frequently asked for "the ordinary." 
 Whereupon, his doctor answered the de- 
 mand by restoring to him a certain coun- 
 terpane which had been discarded, and his 
 daughter, with no less futility, offered him a 
 bottle of claret. When he saw the bottle, 
 his wandering thoughts seemed to turn 
 from "the ordinary," and he began eagerly 
 to ask what breakfast he was to be allowed. 
 " What strange breakfasts men in my con- 
 dition seem to have eaten ! " he observed ; 
 adding, " I don't have black puddings, or 
 lamb's fry — I have a bottle of claret." He 
 was thereupon proffered some drink which 
 was kept at his bedside, but he pushed it 
 aside, saying, "He refused all sustenance."
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 149 
 
 In spite of all this eccentricity, however, I 
 believe that the truth was he was under 
 no delusion at all, but that he w T as merely 
 so foolish, and so blind to the solemnity 
 of the occasion, that he chose to feign in 
 this manner. In fact, he confessed to his 
 daughter a few moments before he expired, 
 that he had been somehow endeavouring to 
 puzzle a certain rather foolish doctor who 
 was in attendance. 
 
 But to return to Helena, She had 
 thought herself fully prepared for the sad 
 event, yet when it did take place, her grief 
 seemed at first likely to overwhelm her. 
 During several days she wept for long 
 periods ; she was only persuaded with dif- 
 ficulty to eat or drink ; and for a time she 
 lost the faculty of enjoying refreshing sleep. 
 Even for five years afterwards she could 
 summon tears to her eyes, by merely think-
 
 150 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 ing of her departed father. I mention 
 these particulars because they may seem 
 very curious to the world at large, who 
 forget their dearest relations a few weeks 
 after they have buried them ; and I think 
 I have clearly shown, and without any 
 nonsensical similes, that Miss Sutcliffe was 
 sincerely and decently grieved. 
 
 She passed the first year after the sad 
 occurrence in strict retirement, refusing 
 to see the numerous visitors who came to 
 offer her their formal condolences. She 
 was obliged, however, occasionally to see 
 her guardian, whose name was Simmons. 
 He, although he performed his duties in 
 the most faithful manner, nevertheless had 
 the misfortune to be an object of great 
 aversion to her. The reason for this was 
 highly extraordinary. Helena had once 
 read in a novel of a guardian who had
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 151 
 
 ended by marrying his ward ; and the con- 
 sequence was, that when Mr Simmons, in 
 his anxiety to make Helena happy, showed 
 her rather more sympathy than he really 
 felt, she, being very young and very ima- 
 ginative, imbibed a most extravagant sus- 
 picion against him — namely, that he might 
 have the same designs as the guardian of 
 whom she had read. The truth was, that 
 he viewed matrimony with absolute dis- 
 gust. Thus, through an apprehension rather 
 difficult to be imagined, she repelled the 
 proffered friendship even of her lawful 
 protector. 
 
 Wholly ignorant of the fear of which he 
 was the object, he asked Miss Sutcliffe to 
 pass a portion of the year under his own 
 roof, where he promised to provide a suit- 
 able protectress for her. Not sorry that 
 his ward energetically declined this pro-
 
 152 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 posal, he next urged, with a persistence 
 which was fully justified, that she should, 
 without more delay, choose some kind of a 
 companion. Helena consented to this, and 
 she presently agreed, though not without a 
 little suspicion, to engage a person whom her 
 guardian had recommended for the post. 
 
 This lady proved to be a young widow 
 of the name of Gill, whose husband, a 
 purser in the navy, had been recently 
 eaten by sharks in the China sea. Helena 
 received this lady with great kindness, and 
 proceeded to essay by all the means in her 
 power to make of her an actual friend, as 
 well as a companion in name. But just as 
 some people in employing Mrs Gill would 
 have treated her with vulgar insolence, 
 lacerating her feelings w T ith covert ridicule, 
 and so forth, so Miss Sutcliffe, on the con- 
 trary, had the misfortune to displease her
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 153 
 
 companion by showing her too much con- 
 sideration, and by this word I do not mean 
 "condescension" in the disagreeable sense. 
 She was received by Helena with sincere 
 overtures of friendship : but just as some 
 cur, accustomed to be constantly beaten, 
 w T ill bite the hand which designs only to 
 stroke him, so this companion, habituated 
 to ill usage, received with mistrust every 
 disclosure of kindness. It is true, I be- 
 lieve, that the heart of Mrs Gill, when she 
 was a girl, had been chilled and steeled 
 with excessive doses of geography and 
 ancient history by her parents ; and after- 
 wards, as nearly as possible, broken by the 
 purser, previous to his being devoured alive. 
 After a few months of the new experiment, 
 Helena was glad to accede to the com- 
 panion's request for leave of absence, "to 
 visit friends in the North ; " and to make
 
 154 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 this matter short, a friend in the North 
 made the un amiable Mrs Gill his wife, and 
 I hope taught her a little sensibility. 
 
 Helena Sutcliffe was then once more left 
 alone. While she was undecided as to 
 what step she should next take, her year 
 of mourning having come to an end, she 
 received a visit from a friendly old widow 
 of the name of Chobham. Many years 
 ago Mrs Chobham had cherished a pass- 
 ing tenderness for Mr SutclirTe, or for his 
 worldly goods, and consequently Helena 
 had always been to her an object of some 
 interest and curiosity. But, furthermore, 
 Mrs Chobham had a son, who at this time 
 was of a suitable age and position in life 
 to think of marrying and settling down ; 
 and as he had just been jilted by a young 
 lady in Italy, his mother hoped that he 
 might console himself with a young lady
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 155 
 
 in England, or, in other words, that he 
 might marry Miss Sutcliffe. Actuated, 
 therefore, either by affection for her de- 
 parted old friend, or by prudent intentions 
 for the welfare of her son, Mrs Chobham, 
 as I have said, visited Helena, and, as I 
 have not said, carried, her home as her 
 guest for some days. 
 
 And now a great event took place, which 
 perhaps I should, do well to introduce with 
 several pages of essay. I will, however, 
 content myself by making two common- 
 place remarks : firstly, that human affairs 
 are very uncertain ; and secondly, that Mrs 
 Chobham's half-formed project for her son 
 was greatly aided by a mysterious opera- 
 tion of Providence. 
 
 On the second night of Helena's visit, as 
 she was dining with the affectionate yet 
 prudent old lady, the disagreeable intelli-
 
 156 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 gence was received that Colling Hall was 
 in flames ! Before describing the conse- 
 quences which this calamity had, it will 
 be as well if I shortly state the circum- 
 stances under which it occurred. The 
 servants, taking advantage of their mis- 
 tress's absence from home, passed away 
 their evening thus. The butler and house- 
 keeper each went to visit some friends in 
 the neighbourhood. The footman went to 
 bed "for a good rest," he said, though he 
 narrowly escaped being roasted to death. 
 The upper housemaid, who was suffering 
 from face-ache, went with Miss Sutcliffe's 
 maid to consult the village apothecary. 
 The cook, assisted by the under -house- 
 maid, who also worked in the kitchen, 
 devoted the evening to melting down a 
 large quantity of fat, for some private pur- 
 poses of her own. She was disturbed in her
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 157 
 
 oleaginous task by a noise which, she 
 was stated to have said, "baffled descrip- 
 tion." Thereupon, instead of endeavouring 
 to ascertain the cause or nature of the noise, 
 she suffered imagination to obtain dominion 
 over her; and persuading herself that the 
 end of the world was at hand, hastened to 
 the museum of her late master, with the 
 intention of thence removing the skeleton, 
 and giving it proper interment in the gar- 
 den. The poor woman would have cer- 
 tainly performed this decent rite, had not 
 she been recalled to her ordinary senses by 
 a loud shriek from the housemaid, who ran 
 in to announce, not only that the house 
 was on fire, but that the footman was burnt 
 alive. As the cook and her colleague, nearly 
 fainting, made their way to the nearest 
 point of egress — namely, the front door — 
 the supposed victim of the flames ran past
 
 158 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 them, uninjured, but clad only in a shirt, 
 to give the alarm. This was very neces- 
 sary, for the shutters being closed, and the 
 devouring element being at work in the 
 innermost part of the house, there was no 
 outward evidence of the fire which was 
 raging within. Presently an antiquated 
 fire-engine came upon the scene ; but by 
 that time the flames had burst forth with 
 uncontrollable fury. The principal stair- 
 case was in a blaze, and the fierce heat, 
 and dense columns of smoke, rendered 
 highly dangerous any attempt to enter the 
 rooms from the outside. Notwithstanding 
 this, many gallant efforts were made to 
 rescue some of the property. Amidst great 
 enthusiasm, a daring yokel gained a foot- 
 ing in Miss Sutcliffe's bedroom, and soon 
 emerged, to the great joy of all his friends, 
 brandishing something which proved to be a
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 159 
 
 box of gloves. With the exception of some 
 furniture, certain books, and a few gloomy 
 relics, which included the skeleton, every- 
 thing of value was destroyed. 
 
 When the terrible news was brought to 
 Miss Sutcliffe, she at once stated her in- 
 tention of visiting the field of disaster, 
 although the distance Avas fully twelve 
 miles. Mrs Chobham's son, Frank, now 
 petitioned, with a good deal of energy, 
 to be allowed to ride to the spot himself; 
 "For," said he, " I should like to be of 
 any service to you, upon my word." 
 
 Helena hesitating, the mother interposed 
 with, " Why should not you both go to- 
 gether % " 
 
 Miss Sutcliffe strenuously opposed this 
 proposition, and in her remonstrance was 
 ably seconded by Frank. It was at length 
 decided that he should go alone, and on
 
 160 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 his return, report the actual state of 
 affairs. 
 
 When he came back from his nocturnal 
 pilgrimage, Helena, overcome with anxiety 
 and fatigue, had just gone to bed, and it 
 was not until she appeared in the breakfast- 
 room next day, that she knew Colling Hall 
 had become a heap of ruins. In the midst 
 of her distress on this occasion, Helena 
 was pleased with Mr Chobham. She was 
 grateful to him for his good-nature in hav- 
 ing undertaken a journey of twenty -four 
 miles at night on her behalf; and she was 
 pleased with him for having declined the 
 monstrous proposal that he should drive 
 alone with her. Perhaps, when I have 
 fully described Mr Chobham's character, 
 the reader will credit what I fear was the 
 truth with respect to Mr Chobham's good- 
 nature and delicacy — namely, that it was
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 161 
 
 his love of adventure and desire to witness 
 the fire that mainly induced him to vol- 
 unteer his services ; and that the object 
 which he sought in declining to accom- 
 pany Helena, was nothing more than that 
 he wished for the unrestrained enjoyment 
 of his own society. He succeeded both in 
 suiting his own convenience and in gain- 
 ing Helena's gratitude. But gratitude was 
 unfortunately not the only sentiment her 
 heart soon began to feel towards him. 
 His excessive melancholy, his dejected 
 looks, and his evident abstraction, ex- 
 torted from her breast some of that quality 
 to which pity is said to be akin. I will 
 not positively say that she loved him, but 
 she felt a great interest in him ; and, of 
 course, there is no knowing what may not 
 follow an interest of that kind. Thus, 
 while Frank's sadness was really caused 
 
 VOL. I. l
 
 162 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 by his having just been jilted by a beauti- 
 ful disciple of high art, whom he had met 
 in Eome, the fact was quite unknown to 
 Helena, who, in innocent speculation as to 
 why he should seem unhappy, never sus- 
 pected the true cause. 
 
 At first it seemed probable that Miss 
 Sutclifie would make a prolonged sojourn 
 at Mrs Chobham's house. But her guardian 
 coming into the neighbourhood, upon busi- 
 ness connected with the destruction of Col- 
 ling Hall, requested her to find a successor 
 to Mrs Gill, and advised her to visit the 
 Continent, in order, he said, that she should 
 find distraction and amusement. These 
 suggestions — by no means unlike those 
 which Mr Simmons might have made 
 had he fancied himself and Mr Frank 
 Chobham to have been rivals — Miss Sut- 
 clifFe at once followed. Her new duenna
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 163 
 
 was a German spinster, whose great bulk, 
 and supposed austerity, were her chief re- 
 commendations. Helena travelled with her 
 to Venice, where, being greatly charmed 
 with the place, she remained for some 
 weeks. But fate pursued her. 
 
 One evening as she was sitting on 
 her balcony, engaged in embroidery, she 
 chanced to look into the room, where she 
 had left her purse upon the table, and saw 
 the German spinster in the act of stealing 
 a bank-note. After allowing a day to 
 elapse, in the hope of some explanation 
 being offered, Helena charged the com- 
 panion with the theft, and told her that 
 after she had accompanied her back to 
 England, she must leave her. But Frau- 
 lein went away in the night, leaving her 
 young charge to shift for herself. 
 
 This proceeding was the more incon-
 
 164 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 venient for Miss Sutcliffe, from the fact 
 that she had just parted with her maid, 
 who had gone to nurse an invalid father. 
 Being thus left alone and unprotected, who 
 should come to Miss Sutcliffe in her emer- 
 gency but Frank Chobham ! He imme- 
 diately proffered the services of a friend 
 in need ; and this time he seemed to feel 
 no hesitation on the ground of delicacy. 
 He at once undertook to convey Helena 
 in safety to England, and he performed 
 the duty with perfect fidelity. She, on 
 reaching England, would have temporarily 
 placed herself under the protection of her 
 guardian, of whom, for some reason, she 
 now no longer felt any suspicions. But 
 old Mrs Chobham pressed her to remain 
 with her, " until her plans were settled ; " 
 and Mr Simmons, strange to say, warmly 
 seconded the proposal.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 165 
 
 So Helena, with no mother or father to 
 advise her rightly, but with a guardian 
 who advised her wrongly — the home she 
 had loved being destroyed — was now 
 nearly at the mercy of old Mrs Chobham 
 and her son ; and the success or failure of 
 their designs will be duly shown later on.
 
 166 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 I enjoyed only a short recess with my 
 parents. A holiday at this time of year 
 was not a matter of course for the pupils 
 of Mr Vish, and I had been given the 
 option of remaining with him, as Dundas 
 and Pillett were doing, but for obvious 
 reasons I had chosen to go home. I found 
 my father considerably changed. But at 
 this announcement the reader must not 
 prepare to hear of his dissolution. He had 
 evidently been shaken by the death of his 
 old friend Mr Sutcliffe ; and he seemed to 
 be, moreover, troubled by some other affairs, 
 known only to himself. Just then, how-
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 167 
 
 ever, he was helping my mother to entertain 
 a houseful of people, and no doubt these 
 guests diverted his thoughts to some ex- 
 tent. For my own part, I found my home 
 exceedingly dull, and I was much driven 
 into the society of my father's gamekeeper — 
 for our visitors were all persons of fifty and 
 upwards ; and to seek out friends of my 
 own age — who all lived at some distance — 
 or to go into the town of Wolvenden, I had 
 nothing to ride but a little stumbling pony, 
 which had been purchased for me when I 
 was much younger and smaller, and of which 
 I was now quite ashamed. Besides my walks 
 with the keeper, therefore, I found hardly 
 anything to fascinate me to my home ; and 
 I spoke nothing more than the truth when, 
 in answer to four or five letters from Mrs 
 Vish, I once wrote to her myself, saying that 
 I should not be sorry to return to the north.
 
 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Before I did return, a rather noteworthy- 
 event took place in our household. White, 
 the footman, came to my father one day, 
 and telling him that he had saved a 
 small sum of money, which to him was a 
 competence, requested permission to leave 
 our service. He was anxious, he said, to 
 make a little home of his own, somewhere 
 in the suburbs of London, if possible near 
 a good library. " And perhaps," he added, 
 with a firm voice but glistening eye, " I 
 may some day find a respectable young 
 woman of my own station of life, and 
 make her my wife." 
 
 My father answered in the way which 
 might have been expected from him ; that 
 is, he expressed his regret at losing such 
 a valuable servant, and his determination 
 not to oppose to White's plans any selfish 
 objections of his own. He also begged
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 169 
 
 that White would freely ask his advice if 
 he needed it, either then as to his imme- 
 diate intentions, or at any future time in 
 any difficulty or distress to which he might 
 find himself exposed. He then shook the 
 hand of his old favourite, and presented 
 him with a complete edition of Gibbon's 
 ' Decline and Fall.' "White, in wishing us 
 all farewell, said that he should remember 
 until his dying day the kindness he had 
 received from our family. He then took 
 his departure amidst general regret, my 
 mother extorting from him a parting pro- 
 mise that he would treat with the greatest 
 possible care any reappearance of gout. 
 
 When I returned to my tutor in the 
 north, the reception I met with was omi- 
 nous of further entanglements in store for 
 me. I had determined to meet Mrs Vish 
 in the first instance with particular frank-
 
 170 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 ness, and to retain that attitude towards 
 her as long as I remained under her hus- 
 band's roof. But, with a horrid cunning 
 of her own, she altogether frustrated my 
 good intentions. I arrived in the after- 
 noon, and for some hours neither heard nor 
 saw anything of my tormentor. Mr Gar- 
 bold, who had returned the day before, 
 asked me, in a low and serious tone of 
 voice, but with a laughing eye, " Whether 
 I had seen her yet?" and, when I had 
 professed not to understand him, inquired 
 " Where the meeting was to take place ? " 
 " at what time \ " and so on. But the even- 
 ing meal took place, and still Mrs Vish did 
 not appear. I then went out into the 
 garden, beginning to think, I do not say to 
 hope, that until the next day, at all events, 
 I was secure. But Garbold followed me 
 out into the lawn and told me, as if he
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 17 1 
 
 were delivering a very ordinary message, 
 that Mrs Visk wanted to see me in her 
 boudoir. 
 
 " She hasn't got one," answered I. 
 
 But at that moment a window opened 
 just above my head, and Mrs Vish looked 
 out, saying, " Allen ! " (she generally ad- 
 dressed me by my surname,) " aren't you 
 coming to say ' how d'ye do \ ' ' 
 
 With mingled feelings which I do not 
 care to describe, I obeyed the summons. 
 The room in which I found my tormentor, 
 had been, until very lately, nothing better 
 than a lumber-room, where empty trunks 
 and cases were kept ; but it was now fitted 
 up, in a certain school of taste, to serve 
 for what Mrs Vish was pleased to call it 
 — namely, a boudoir. 
 
 She had contrived to collect, and hang 
 upon the walls, several pictures ; princi-
 
 172 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 pally engravings or photographs taken 
 from well-known paintings, and nearly all 
 of them dealing with love or romance. 
 The frames of these pictures were wrapped 
 in muslin, and ornamented with bows of 
 blue ribbon. She had also about her, sun- 
 dry feathers and fans ; two jars which had 
 once contained preserved ginger ; a hang- 
 ing book-shelf, with books, for the most 
 part poems ; and several miscellaneous 
 ornaments and works of art. In a con- 
 spicuous part of the room stood the phren- 
 ological bust, with Combe's book close 
 at hand for ready reference. As for Mrs 
 Vish herself, her own appearance was evi- 
 dently designed, like that of her boudoir, 
 to intoxicate my simple imagination, and 
 lead me captive. She usually wore dark 
 dresses — she was particularly fond of black 
 silk — and a crinoline of great size; now she
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 1*13 
 
 was strangely attired in a scarlet wrapper, 
 long and limp ; and the contrast was very 
 striking. She received me with a highly 
 becoming reserve, and made me seat my- 
 self in a chair which would have more 
 comfortably held a child of seven years 
 old. She herself reclined on a sofa, and, 
 like an Eastern potentate, commenced the 
 interview by summoning an attendant, 
 and ordering coffee. " Hannah/' said she, 
 to the attendant who came, "will you 
 make us two cups of nice strong coffee, 
 please % " 
 
 " Yes, ma'am," answered Hannah, who 
 then paused. 
 
 Her mistress regarded her with a look 
 of compassionate amazement, and asked, 
 "Weill" 
 
 "The keys, ma'am, please," answered 
 Hannah.
 
 174 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Mrs Vish, with a stately smile, gave her 
 the keys, and dismissed her. 
 
 For half an hour we conversed in a man- 
 ner which would seem perfectly common- 
 place, were I to record the conversation 
 here ; but which was really rather remark- 
 able, since we were neither of us the least 
 interested in the words we exchanged, but 
 were both thinking of other matters, which, 
 for separate reasons of our own, we did not 
 choose to touch upon. Our interview was 
 brought to an end in a ludicrous though 
 somewhat alarming manner, by the clang 
 of a large dinner-bell, which was rung at 
 this unusual hour for no reason that we 
 could then imagine, unless it might chance 
 that the house was on fire. 
 
 When we had hastened down-stairs, how- 
 ever, we found that Hannah had spread
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 175 
 
 the dining-room table-cloth, and had also 
 covered the table with all the materials 
 for a substantial supper, to which she had 
 sounded a general invitation by ringing the 
 dinner-bell. Mrs Vish, having perceived 
 that the mistake had arisen through Han- 
 nah's imperfect acquaintance with the ways 
 of a boudoir, put a good face on the matter ; 
 and she, her husband, Mr Garbold, Dundas, 
 Pillett, and I, were soon engaged in an 
 extraordinary feast, to which we all did 
 justice. 
 
 But I do not intend to dwell over this 
 portion of my history ; and though I have 
 only just chronicled my return to Mr Vish, 
 I must ask the reader to let me pass on now 
 to the time when I was once more leaving 
 my tutor's house in order to go home again. 
 As to what had happened meanwhile, I
 
 176 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 need only say that Mrs Vish continued 
 her assaults with an energy, a patience, 
 and an ingenuity, that were worthy of a 
 better cause ; and that I, from what com- 
 bined reasons I need not myself state, re- 
 sisted all these assaults until the end, when 
 I found a most unexpected ally in Mr Gar- 
 bold. From certain idle motives which 
 will be partly explained in the course of 
 this work, he had all along given his aid 
 to Mrs Vish, and to the furtherance of 
 her plans ; at the last moment, however, 
 he completely changed his attitude, and 
 by so doing, did me a sincere kindness, 
 though he incurred Mrs Vish's resentment, 
 and had a sharp quarrel with her. 
 
 The fact is, after plying me with many 
 experiments in phrenology and spirit-rap- 
 ping, and many lectures on the misfortunes
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 177 
 
 of ill-assorted marriages, and the delights 
 of free and ennobling friendships, Mrs Vish 
 one day asked me to elope with her. I 
 cannot say that I immediately and per- 
 emptorily declined the proposal ; on the 
 contrary, I thanked Mrs Vish for her kind- 
 ness and confidence, and begged only that 
 I might have a little time for reflection. 
 She allowed me twenty-four hours; or 
 rather, I succeeded in avoiding her pres- 
 ence for that length of time. Before she 
 saw me again, I had seen Mr Garbold. He 
 had extorted a confession from me ; had 
 apologised for his share in what had 
 passed ; and had heard me solemnly de- 
 clare that, all inclination apart, I had 
 never entertained the intention of dis- 
 gracing two families, and making one per- 
 son, at the least, for ever miserable. Mrs 
 vol. i. M
 
 178 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Vish and I had a most painful interview 
 before Ave parted. She shed a flood of 
 tears, and called mea " cold, mean, cruel, 
 heartless wretch." When I next saw her, 
 it was under very different and far more 
 extraordinary circumstances, as I shall have 
 to disclose in the course of these pages.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 179 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 At this period of my life, although still a 
 boy in body and mind, in certain acquired 
 tastes and habits I had become a young 
 man. My parents did not appear to re- 
 cognise the change until I came home 
 from Mr Vish for the second and last time ; 
 but when they did recognise it, they in- 
 stantly adapted themselves to the transfor- 
 mation, and thus illustrated the fact that 
 parents, and people in general, will adapt 
 themselves to anything, no matter how 
 outrageous, providing that it is in accord- 
 ance with the prevailing fashion to do so. 
 My father, though he had himself been
 
 180 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 birched at the age of eighteen, at once made 
 a show of admitting me to terms of equal- 
 ity with him ; and finding that I was too 
 old to play at marbles, at once allowed me 
 to drink port. He also let me argue with 
 him, and, as my opinions were as change- 
 able as my voice, I may have given him 
 some useful practice in debate. My mother, 
 who was naturally ready to spoil me, now 
 began to pay me actual homage. She taught 
 me to contradict, to correct, and to patronise 
 -her; she encouraged me in smoking to 
 excess ; and sometimes seemed to hint that 
 she suspected me of being a rake. I occa- 
 sionally felt tempted to gratify my youth- 
 ful vanity by telling her of my curious 
 affair with Mrs Vish ; but my mother 
 seemed to know something approaching 
 the truth as to that matter, for she more 
 than once observed, "You must never go
 
 I 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 181 
 
 back to that odious tutor, and his disrepu- 
 table wife." Her sagacity appeared to me 
 very surprising ; but I afterwards discov- 
 ered that certain letters, which I had in- 
 tended to destroy, were nowhere to be 
 found ; upon which I thought it best to 
 leave matters as they stood, so far as 
 explanation with my mother was con- 
 cerned. 
 
 While my father and mother treated me 
 with unwise indulgence, I, of course, never 
 tried to oppose them by showing them any 
 of that deference and humility which they 
 seemed to consider obsolete; and if they 
 had knelt before me every night for my 
 blessing, before going to bed, I should have 
 given it to them. At the same time, I 
 was perfectly ready to be disciplined ; and 
 should have taken a box on the ears from 
 either of them quite as a matter of course.
 
 182 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 It positively pained me to see my father, 
 on the point of saying, " Don't do that/' or 
 "Don't fidget/' change his intention, and 
 cough or smile instead. 
 
 In this unsatisfactory state of affairs, my 
 uncle — who in the course of my career has 
 more than once come to my rescue at the 
 critical moment — came to Hare Place, and 
 soon effected a few necessary reforms. He 
 first of all remonstrated with my father for 
 not providing me with occupations and 
 amusements suited to my time of life ; and 
 he especially begged him to preserve his 
 game more strictly than he had hitherto 
 done, in order that I might have the ad- 
 vantage of enjoying some good shooting. 
 He also made a critical inspection of our 
 stable, which he found tenanted only by a 
 pair of fat carriage-horses and my pony. He 
 caused the pony to be sold in bondage to
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 183 
 
 the children of the vicar, and having done 
 this, persuaded my father to purchase me a 
 strong and serviceable colt, which had just 
 been trained for a hunter. I was soon able 
 to laugh as much as any one else at my for- 
 mer experience in company with Dundas ; 
 for I took to fox-hunting with the greatest 
 enthusiasm and enjoyment. 
 
 I was delighted to find that disparity 
 in age in the hunting-field was no more 
 a disadvantage than disparity in rank. 
 Everybody seemed cheerful and well-man- 
 nered ; though I certainly noticed that the 
 most timid horsemen were more polite than 
 any one else. As soon as I had become a 
 fox-hunter, I began to feel my position in 
 society no longer anomalous ; also I lost 
 much of that mingled bashfulness and as- 
 surance which had hitherto made others un- 
 comfortable as well as myself. Indeed, my
 
 184 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 own experience has been that fox-hunters, 
 although they may "blurt and swing their 
 legs about " in a drawing-room — as they are 
 said to do — are, if such a thing be possible, 
 rather more agreeable and at their ease 
 than anti-fox-hunting authors and critics. 
 Old gentlemen, who had formerly regarded 
 me with curious dislike, now used to pay 
 me considerable attention ; and I found it 
 much pleasanter to have to answer "Whether 
 I had had a good run ? " or " Whether I 
 
 was going to S on Tuesday ? " than 
 
 to be perpetually explaining "How I had 
 left Eton?" or "What I was doing with 
 myself r 
 
 But the great question of my future pro- 
 fession was not yet happily decided, and I 
 began to urge my father to give his formal 
 consent to my entering the light cavalry, 
 a scheme which had somehow taken com-
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 185 
 
 plete possession of me, and to allow me to 
 proceed to an army " crammer " at once, in 
 order to be ready for examination as soon 
 as I should have reached the qualifying 
 age. He told me that he could see no ad- 
 vantage in my returning to Mr Vish, and 
 that if I was bent on entering the army, 
 he supposed I had better be prepared in 
 the usual manner. "As to cavalry," said 
 he, "you know the infantry is the back- 
 bone of our army." But I told him that I 
 had set my heart upon being mounted, and 
 he made little further opposition. One day, 
 however, I was surprised to hear that he 
 had asked for a commission for me in the 
 county militia. He explained to me that 
 he had done this in the hope that a little 
 militia service would at once give me an 
 introduction into military life, and recon- 
 cile me to afterwards entering the line. I
 
 186 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 did not discuss the wisdom of this arrange- 
 ment, but I may say that I was highly 
 pleased to be no longer in terror of several 
 more years of Latin and Greek. 
 
 The " crammer " to whom I was now 
 sent, was a man of the name of Skelton, 
 who lived in a dilapidated mansion in the 
 suburbs of London. He was a rough but 
 highly educated man ; and though he was 
 obliged chiefly to teach mathematics, his 
 peculiar faculty was the cultivation of lan- 
 guages, of which he was more or less 
 acquainted with thirteen. He resembled 
 Mr Vish in one respect, for he taught by 
 formula quite as much as that gentleman 
 did, and his method met with great success. 
 He " turned out " his pupils ready for ex- 
 amination, as a machine might turn out 
 buttons ready for use. He seemed to me 
 to possess none of the ordinary human
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 187 
 
 emotions ; and at the time I went to him, 
 he was occupying his leisure with the study 
 of Welsh. He made no pretence of guard- 
 ing our morals, or of encouraging us in 
 polite manners. All he did was to teach 
 each of us how to gain, at a certain date, 
 a certain number of marks. His pupils — 
 either because they found none of the re- 
 finements of home in Mr Skelton's house, 
 or because they were naturally addicted 
 to low tastes — passed away much of their 
 spare time in a neighbouring tavern. To 
 me the charms of drinking beer out of a 
 pewter pot, and smoking a meerschaum 
 pipe until I was nearly prostrate, soon began 
 to fade. I must confess, in short, that I 
 had very little of that taste for low com- 
 pany which certain writers, from a rather 
 transparent motive, delight in extolling. 
 In company with a youth named Patter-
 
 188 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 son, I endeavoured under some difficulties 
 to lead a life of elegance and fashion. We 
 used to saunter in the Park, or attend other 
 fashionable resorts ; and when a sale was 
 taking place at TattersalTs, we generally 
 contrived to attend it. But Patterson was 
 not content with going to Tattersall's and 
 no more. Emboldened by finding that our 
 presence there did not seem to be resented, 
 or to occasion any stir, with extraordinary 
 hardihood and folly Patterson began him- 
 self to bid for some of the horses. At first 
 I believed he was serious, and for two days 
 I respected him as a potential owner of 
 horses ; but when I discovered that he had 
 neither money with which to buy horses, 
 nor any purpose to which he could put 
 them if they were bought, I remonstrated 
 with him, though in vain. Nevertheless, 
 his impudence was certainly amusing. He
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 189 
 
 was very wary, and only threw in an offer 
 when the bidding was quite brisk. On an 
 evil day, and in an unlucky moment, how- 
 ever, by a mere nod of the head he found 
 himself the owner of a chestnut gelding, 
 called Banquo. In this dreadful strait I man- 
 fully stood Patterson's friend, and while he 
 was positively shedding tears, ascertained 
 that he was not required either to pay for 
 Banquo or to immediately remove him. So 
 we went to Mr Skelton ; and he, by way 
 of practice, recorded the circumstances of 
 the case in Ogham (which he happened to 
 be studying just then), and then gave Pat- 
 terson a draft — fortunately made out in 
 English — to enable him to pay for his ex- 
 perience. Patterson's father, a very obscure 
 physician, next appeared on the scene ; and 
 having reprimanded his son, resold Banquo 
 for a third of the sum he had lately cost.
 
 190 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Soon after this adventure I left Mr Skel- 
 ton, in order to perform twenty-eight days' 
 training with the militia regiment to which 
 I had meantime been gazetted. 
 
 But I must now once more leave my 
 personal history, and give a glance at the 
 fortunes of Helena Sutcliffe.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 191 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 When I last spoke of Miss Sutcliffe, I 
 described her as being at the mercy of old 
 Mrs Chobham, with whom she had been 
 persuaded to remain " until her plans were 
 settled." Now her plans were settled ; for 
 she had become the wife of Mrs Chobham's 
 son. I must confess that in attempting to 
 account for the bestowal of such extraor- 
 dinary honour upon so unworthy an object, 
 I find my own judgment somewhat obscured 
 by passion. I have heard, however, that 
 after Mr Chobham had escorted Helena to 
 England, a rumour was freely circulated 
 that they were engaged to be married. Mr
 
 192 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Simmons, the guardian, heard the report 
 with considerable satisfaction ; and, though 
 he presently learnt that it was false, took 
 council with Mrs Chobham, and then came 
 to the conclusion that the match, whether 
 actually contemplated or not, was highly 
 desirable. As for Mr Frank Chobham, he 
 was bent upon succeeding in the plan 
 which his mother had first suggested to 
 him, when his heart was still lacerated by 
 the cruelty of Miss Bertha Dean, the lady 
 by whom he had just been rejected. 
 
 Accordingly, he began systematically to 
 lay aside the pursuit of his own immediate 
 comfort, and to devote himself steadily to 
 Miss SutclifTe. How his courtship pros- 
 pered, the result explains. He was hand- 
 some and highly accomplished ; a dutiful 
 son, and, to all appearance, an honourable, 
 well-bred man. He was without a rival,
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 193 
 
 and several advantages of time and place 
 were on his side. Miss Sutcliffe was young, 
 and what is called " impressionable ; " she 
 was alone in the world, and almost un- 
 protected ; she felt all the disadvantages 
 of her friendless condition, they were con- 
 stantly pointed out to her, — the happy 
 alternative being at the same time either 
 hinted or openly suggested. She had no 
 confidential friends of her own age ; for, 
 besides having herself been, all her life, ex- 
 clusive beyond her years, her father had 
 always monopolised her youthful confidence 
 and companionship. Thus many circum- 
 stances were favourable to the success of 
 the conspiracy directed against her; and 
 when the emergency came, neither her 
 good sense nor her heart proved strong 
 enough, and she succumbed. 
 
 For some time after being first married, 
 VOL. i. n
 
 194 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 she and her husband lived together in a 
 state of very tolerable happiness. But a 
 gloom was destined to fall over them, at a 
 very early stage in their connubial journey. 
 Mr Chobham was one day brought home 
 from hunting, very seriously injured. His 
 life was soon pronounced out of danger ; 
 but his legs were paralysed, and it was said 
 that this affliction would be permanent. 
 For him this was a sufficiently heavy 
 calamity. At the age of thirty, and at 
 the outset of his married life, he was appar- 
 ently doomed to pass the remainder of his 
 days in an arm-chair ! To a student, or 
 bookworm, the misfortune would have been 
 very severe ; to a man accustomed to pass 
 most of his time either in travel or in the 
 pursuit of sport, it was doubly so. But 
 how did the blow fall upon his wife, and 
 how was she fitted to bear it? She had
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 195 
 
 married in haste, and she was now to repent 
 at leisure. 
 
 For the first few weeks she realised 
 neither the unhappiness that was in store 
 for her, nor the complete happiness that 
 she had persuaded herself to expect. Still, 
 her first experience was rather favourable 
 than otherwise. Her husband was kind 
 and attentive to her. She found great 
 delight in her daily occupations and daily 
 amusements ; she discovered much new 
 pleasure in being able to tell some one 
 else all that passed in her mind ; above 
 all, she derived complete satisfaction in 
 knowing whom to oblige and assist, and 
 in what quarter to direct her efforts to do 
 good. When Mr Chobham, the first stage 
 of his devotion having a little subsided, 
 began to occasionally leave his wife alone 
 (by which I do not mean that he neglected
 
 196 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 her), Helena was at no loss to pass her time 
 in a very agreeable manner. Her existence 
 at that time might be properly described as 
 a dream, from which she would ultimately 
 awaken to the enjoyment either of hap- 
 piness or of misery. This " awakening " 
 was not of the kind generally called 
 " rude," for it came by very slow degrees. 
 Helena, only twenty years old, habituated 
 to comfort and luxury, and wholly unac- 
 customed to restriction, on finding herself 
 suddenly condemned to be the nurse, rather 
 than the wife, of her partner for life, 
 accepted the affliction without any re- 
 pining whatever. She saw in it the en- 
 forcement of a severe but just lesson ; that 
 perfect happiness is within the reach of 
 no human being, and that the two great 
 blessings which she herself enjoyed — those 
 of health and wealth — are powerless against
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 197 
 
 some of the most ordinary misfortunes of 
 life. 
 
 The first task which she had to learn was 
 how to bear with Mr Chobham's excessive 
 selfishness. For selfish he had always been, 
 and doubly selfish he not unnaturally be- 
 came after his accident. The principal 
 duty which he now allotted to his wife 
 was that of reading aloud to him. Neither 
 his eyes nor his brain was injured, and he 
 could have well read to himself; but he 
 derived more pleasure from listening, and 
 it sometimes appeared that he meant to 
 listen for ever. Voyages and travels best 
 pleased him; and he allowed Helena to 
 read, with scant intervals, for whole days. 
 She performed her task with a dutiful 
 bravery that did her the greatest honour. 
 And although the Egyptian discoveries of 
 Dr Mensong, or the Highland Rambles of
 
 198 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Captain Damper, did not comprise matters 
 of personal interest to her, she knew that 
 these works pleased her husband, and that 
 in reading them until her eyes swam, and 
 her throat was parched, she was doing what 
 was right. But I must not be carried away 
 by sentiment ; and it may be that the swim- 
 ming eyes and the parched throat were 
 good discipline for one who had hitherto 
 led a very easy life. Before long, however, 
 other hardships fell to her lot, some of 
 which duty did not really compel her to 
 accept. 
 
 Mrs Chobham the elder, at the first news 
 of her son's accident, hastened to his side ; 
 and without any apology to her daughter- 
 in-law, proceeded to place herself at the 
 head of the household establishment. Her 
 principal reason for doing this was the 
 anxious solicitude she felt for her son ; but
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 199 
 
 it was also natural that she should feel 
 tempted to display a little authority on 
 returning to a house which, until quite 
 lately, had belonged to her ; especially as 
 she had been living in some discomfort 
 since the marriage of her son. She failed 
 to overcome the difficulty of contenting 
 herself with the position of guest, therefore, 
 and her usurpation at first seemed almost 
 warranted ; for not only was she an ex- 
 perienced matron, but she had more know- 
 ledge than Helena possessed on many local 
 matters. Under such circumstances as these, 
 a model mother-in-law would have left the 
 executive to the mistress of the house, 
 making herself useful at the same time by 
 tendering her advice whenever it was re- 
 quired. Helena would have been very 
 grateful for such help as this ; but she 
 found herself, on the contrary, treated in
 
 200 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 her own house as a nonentity. The soli- 
 tary office that she was still permitted to 
 fill (and the usurper seemed to regard 
 it as a sinecure), was that of reader to 
 her husband. All such duties as cutting 
 up his meat, wheeling about his chair, or 
 pouring out his medicine, were performed 
 by his mother ; and Helena was pained to 
 observe that he seemed to approve of these 
 arrangements. The fact was, that both he 
 and his mother possessed the same family 
 failing — viz., an absolutely exclusive delight 
 in themselves, and love for their own habits, 
 vices, and latent virtues ; and Helena being 
 a Chobham only by marriage, both the 
 husband and his mother had received her 
 into the family with toleration, rather than 
 with cordiality. 
 
 One day Helena was reading aloud from 
 the Eev. Mr Don's ' Holiday in the Alps,'
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 201 
 
 when the time came for Mr Chobham to 
 drink a dose of medicine. She having re- 
 minded him of this fact, he said, " Just tell 
 the mother, will you ? " But Helena this 
 time chose to serve him herself, and he 
 raised no objection. Just as he had raised 
 the glass to his lips, " the mother " came in, 
 and at once ran forward with that kind 
 of brisk alarm which a nurse would exhibit 
 on finding the baby playing with a razor. 
 The old dame soon discovered that the 
 dose had been accurately administered ; 
 and, either because she was ashamed, or 
 because she saw the advantages of a di- 
 vision of labour, she allowed Helena, for 
 some time afterwards, herself to give Mr 
 Chobham his medicine. But a most unfor- 
 tunate accident took place soon after this 
 concession had been made. 
 
 Besides certain drugs being administered
 
 202 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 to the sick man, a liniment was daily 
 rubbed into his legs. From this latter 
 process he derived so much relief, that he 
 caused Helena to rub him during a great 
 portion of a certain night. At ten o'clock 
 the following day, she had to read to him 
 for an hour and a half, from an abstruse 
 book of voyages ; and on the expiration of 
 this task, he asked her for his medicine. 
 He then noticed — apparently for the first 
 time — her sunken eyes and general appear- 
 ance of exhaustion ; and, with uncommon 
 good -nature, himself offered to pour out 
 the drug, allotting to her the less difficult 
 task of holding the glass. This solitary act 
 of self-devotion nearly cost him his life. 
 Instead of pouring out medicine for the 
 stomach, he filled himself a dose of his 
 favourite liniment, which he instantly 
 drank. He had no sooner done so, than
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 203 
 
 both he and his wife discovered the mis- 
 take. 
 
 Helena being unusually weak owing to 
 the want of proper rest, was for a moment 
 quite confounded ; but quickly recovering 
 her presence of mind, she hastened from 
 the room, to return carrying a pot of 
 mustard and some warm water. This pre- 
 paration she at once administered to her 
 husband. 
 
 Mrs Chobham the elder, who had been 
 quietly discussing some sausages and choco- 
 late in the breakfast-room, hearing an un- 
 wonted stir, hurried to the scene of action, 
 and there found what certainly seemed an 
 alarming state of things. Her son, pale as 
 death, was leaning forward in his chair, 
 giving full scope to the operation of the 
 mustard and water ; while Helena, once 
 more overcome by fatigue and alarm,
 
 20-4 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 was faintly exclaiming, " Oh, I've killed 
 him!" 
 
 In clue course, however, Mr Chobham 
 recovered from the effects of the poison, 
 and explained to his mother how all had 
 happened. His mother was constrained to 
 appear satisfied, but she was by no means 
 easy in her mind. And Helena, with some 
 appearance of reason, reverted to the single 
 post of reader. 
 
 . Soon after this accident, another more 
 startling event took place. Mr Chobham 
 being one day left alone with his wife for 
 a few minutes, she ventured to smooth his 
 brow, and ask him whether he did not feel 
 much better. 
 
 He replied that he did, and furthermore, 
 that he had a desire to smoke. She, de- 
 lighted to find him so improved (for he had 
 not touched tobacco since he had been hurt),
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 
 
 hastened off in order to fetch him some 
 cigars. When she returned his chair was 
 empty, and the room unoccupied ! 
 
 Helena turned pale with alarm, but not 
 so pale as Mrs Chobham the elder, who now 
 came in, and with trembling lips asked, 
 "Where is her' 
 
 Helena could only repeat the question, 
 but bestirred herself at once to search for 
 him. As she ran from the room, the 
 mother was seized with a fit of hysterics, 
 and commenced to scream, "What have 
 you done with my son 1 I demand of you, 
 where is he ? " 
 
 Helena having summoned all the ser- 
 vants she could find, they began to look in 
 every direction for the missing man ; and 
 he was presently found, somewhat bruised, 
 at the foot of a short flight of stairs. 
 
 As soon as he was able to speak, he
 
 206 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 explained the phenomenon which had 
 occasioned so much consternation. When 
 Helena had left him he had dropped his 
 pocket-handkerchief : then, in his efforts 
 to recover it, he had occasion to place one 
 foot upon the ground; when, to his joy 
 and amazement, he discovered that he had 
 regained the use of one leg. He had there- 
 upon risen, and found that he could stand 
 on both legs without any difficulty. An 
 unaccountable whim had then seized him, 
 and this was, to walk into the room where 
 he believed his mother to be, and astonish 
 her with that proof of his powers. But he 
 had hardly started on this expedition, when, 
 the strength qf his legs having subsided, he 
 tumbled down some stairs just outside his 
 chamber- door, to be afterwards found and 
 rescued as I have related. 
 
 This event, although it caused consider-
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 207 
 
 able annoyance to the doctors who were 
 attending Mr Chobham, gave great joy to 
 nearly every one else concerned in his re- 
 covery. He improved from day to day, 
 and in a few more weeks was completely 
 restored to health. He then proceeded to 
 travel, accompanied by Helena ; to whom 
 his mother, with many pangs, once more 
 resigned the reins of domestic government.
 
 208 AUTOBIOGEAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTEE XVII. 
 
 When I first joined the militia I was a 
 mere boy, and I possessed no kind of 
 knowledge as to what sort of duties I 
 should have to perform. Indeed I was so 
 young that I had been granted a commis- 
 sion only as a special favour to my father ; 
 who in consequence of the Keform agitation, 
 had lately changed his politics. The com- 
 position of the militia force was a mystery 
 to me. One of my cousins, young Long- 
 stafFe, belonged t<5 my regiment ; but owing 
 to a great dissimilarity between his char- 
 acter and tastes and mine, I had seen very 
 little of him since the time when I had tried
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 209 
 
 to cane him in my " school/' and I had never 
 heard from him any particulars about the 
 service to which he belonged. I knew two 
 other officers in the regiment ; but one was 
 a major who had been a lieutenant in the 
 navy, and the other was a lieutenant who 
 had been a captain in the army, and this 
 mixture of several ranks only added to my 
 confusion. 
 
 The regiment was assembled for training 
 at the town of "Wolvenden, not many miles 
 from my home. I took up my quarters at 
 a hotel called The Bull, where our mess was 
 held, and where most of the other officers 
 were staying : for the men were in billets, 
 excepting the permanent staff and bands- 
 men, who lived in some old red-brick bar- 
 racks where the regimental business was 
 transacted. 
 
 On first entering " the ante-room," as it 
 vol. i. o
 
 210 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 was called, at The Bull, instead of finding 
 a number of old gentlemen in white trousers 
 and cross-belts seated at a table (which was 
 positively what I had fancied I might see), 
 the first persons I noticed were four or five 
 particularly young men, three of whom had, 
 like myself, only just joined. There was 
 also present an officer of about fifty years of 
 age, whom, from his weather-beaten hairy 
 visage, ringing brass spurs, and the badges 
 on his uniform collar, I assumed to be the 
 colonel ; and whose own remarks did not 
 lead me to suppose that I was mistaken, for 
 he talked only of war and discipline. We 
 were presently joined by Captain Brain, 
 the adjutant, who saluted him of the 
 brass spurs with extravagant ceremony, 
 though the compliment was acknowledged 
 with great gravity. Captain Brain, who 
 was also in uniform, wore the ribbon of a
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 211 
 
 medal which he had earned some years pre- 
 vious to my birth. He had a loud, hoarse 
 voice ; was short, stout, and bald-headed ; 
 and he carried his elbows almost to the 
 height of his shoulders. I presently per- 
 ceived by the conversation, that the officer 
 whom I had imagined to be my colonel, 
 was really the surgeon, Dr Ascough. 
 
 I was listening with great respect to the 
 opinions he was expressing as to the proba- 
 bility of our being shortly sent into huts in 
 a neighbouring camp, when I was amazed 
 to hear him interrupted in his remarks by 
 one of the captains who had meanwhile 
 come in, who said laughingly, " Oh, shut 
 up, Coffy ! you're an old pill-box, and don't 
 know anything about it." 
 
 Ascough did not appear to relish this, 
 though he tried to seem as merry as pos- 
 sible ; and I could not help wandering
 
 212 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 why all his badges of rank should procure 
 him nothing better than familiarity. A 
 young officer on joining, generally called 
 him " Doctor " for a few clays ; then 
 " Ascough ;" and finally, towards the end 
 of a month, " Coffy." 
 
 I began to dress for my first mess-dinner 
 at least an hour sooner than was necessary; 
 and while thus engaged was told that a 
 certain Sergeant Munden wished to speak 
 to me. I said I would see him, and soon 
 afterwards he presented himself. He was 
 a tall handsome man, with venerable-look- 
 ing white hair. His face was as sun-burnt 
 as that of a gipsy. He wore four medals, 
 and as he drew himself up and saluted me, 
 I felt very proud of having him under my 
 command. He opened his business thus : 
 " I have come to ask your honour if you 
 will allow me to clean your sword and
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 213 
 
 accoutrements for you. You will want 
 some one to do the job for you, and I know 
 how your things should be better than any 
 other person in the regiment. I have served 
 in the army for thirty-two years ; I was all 
 through the Crimea and the Mutiny, and 
 there isn't any man in the service better 
 known or more respected than myself. The 
 colonel knows me well, and so does the 
 adjutant." 
 
 I thanked him, and gave him my sword, 
 with some reluctance, however, for so far 
 from wishing to see it made cleaner, I was 
 already mortified by its extreme brightness, 
 which seemed to proclaim its having seen 
 no kind of service. 
 
 Sergeant Munclen, having taken the 
 sword, went on to say that he supposed 
 I had given my washing to some one 
 already.
 
 214 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 I told him that I had not yet done so. 
 
 " Then will you allow my wife to wash 
 for your honour \ " said he — adding, " she 
 does all the washing for the young officers. 
 They won't employ any other person. ' Ser- 
 geant/ says one of the young gentlemen, 
 Mr Percival, ' I won't allow any one to 
 meddle with my things, only Mrs Munden. 
 She's the cleanest, most respectable, most 
 hard-working woman in barracks.' ' 
 
 When he had finished this speech I readily 
 agreed to his second request, for I had not 
 the same scruples with regard to my shirts 
 as I had respecting my sword. 
 
 He now produced a curious- looking book, 
 and said in a low tone, " I have taken the 
 liberty of bringing you the order-book, sir. 
 The corporal that had the orders wasn't fit 
 for a young gentleman like you to speak to. 
 I won't say he was drunk, for then I should
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 215 
 
 have made him a prisoner ; but he was three 
 parts gone. Nearly the whole regiment's 
 the same way just the first few days." 
 
 The latter remark was perfectly true, and 
 the adjutant sometimes found it necessary to 
 pitch tents in the barrack-yard for the extra 
 accommodation of the numerous prisoners. 
 When I had read the orders without being 
 much the wiser, Sergeant Munden seemed 
 about to take his departure, but his keen eye 
 suddenly lit upon a portrait which I had hung 
 up, of my uncle Thomas in full uniform. 
 
 " Was your father in the service, your 
 honour \ " asked Munden. 
 
 " No ; that's my uncle," answered I. 
 
 " If it's not taking a very great liberty, 
 what was his name \ " proceeded the ser- 
 geant. 
 
 " Colonel Allen," I replied. 
 
 Upon this Munden laid down his cane
 
 216 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 gloves, order-book, and my sword, and ap- 
 peared overcome by pleasant recollection. 
 " Colonel Allen ! " cried he, " Colonel Allen ! 
 — lie commanded the 53d." 
 
 " No ; he was in the Guards," said I. 
 
 "He was in the Guards, was Colonel 
 Allen," continued Munden, quite unabashed ; 
 " but the 53d lay alongside them at Dub- 
 lin. Oh, Colonel Allen ! I knew him well : 
 I was his orderly many a time. He was 
 a fine officer, sir, and a wonderfully strict 
 man at the same time." 
 
 At this point we were interrupted by the 
 entrance of young Longstaffe, who had come 
 in pursuance of a promise to see that I was 
 correctly dressed before going to dinner. 
 On seeing him, Sergeant Munden at once 
 took his departure. 
 
 I was grateful to my cousin on this occa- 
 sion, though he was not celebrated for his
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 217 
 
 good-nature, for he showed me that I had 
 put on the wrong kind of trousers, and the 
 wrong sort of neck-tie and collar. While 
 I was making the necessary alterations, 
 he gave me a cursory account of Sergeant 
 Munden. He was, beyond doubt, he said, 
 a rascal in the main. He lived in compara- 
 tive comfort, while his wife and family were 
 in distress, and he had " no conscience 
 whatever." On the other hand, he was not 
 without some good qualities ; for he knew 
 his drill very well, had been distinguished 
 for bravery, could un demonstratively carry 
 more liquor than any two ordinary men — 
 * and would always tell a good lie, and stick 
 to it, to get an officer out of a scrape." 
 
 As soon as I was attired in my scarlet 
 and silver lace, I experienced an amount of 
 sincere complacency which no arguments or 
 demonstrations could have disturbed. In-
 
 218 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 stead of feeling a reasonable pride in be- 
 longing to the constitutional force of the 
 kingdom, I felt a spirit of hostile exulta- 
 tion, as if Wolvenden had been a foreign 
 town and our regiment part of an army of 
 occupation. When our bandsmen, in their 
 white tunics, marched under the archway 
 of the hotel, followed by a large crowd, I 
 nearly danced with joy; and when I went 
 into dinner, the music playing " The Roast 
 Beef of Old England," I gave vent to my 
 emotion by saying to my cousin, " How 
 jolly this is! isn't it?" 
 
 He, however, had served for one month in 
 the previous year, and was fast growing out 
 of the enthusiastic age, so he answered, 
 " Oh, you'll be sick of it soon enough ! " 
 
 The dinner to which I sat down was in 
 reality a banquet of the first order ; for as 
 in time of peace we were put to expense in
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 219 
 
 this matter for only twenty-eight clays, we 
 chose to live for that period as w r ell as 
 judges in assize time. I was surprised to 
 find, during my first mess-dinner, that very 
 few oaths were uttered; that women, 
 horses, and wine were not the absorbing 
 topics ; and that no wagers were laid : but 
 I presently reflected that we very likely did 
 not enjoy all the supposed privileges of the 
 regular army. At dinner I was frequently 
 asked for the pleasure of a glass of wine, 
 which gave me great satisfaction ; and I was 
 also pleased to drink the health of my sov- 
 ereign, as soon as the cloth was removed. 
 
 After mess I was presented to my cap- 
 tain, who was Sir James Hoddem. I had 
 for some time regarded him with extraor- 
 dinary veneration, on account of his being 
 described in the 'Army List' as a "late 
 cornet " in the Life Guards. I had no
 
 220 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 means of knowing that he had only served 
 for about six months in the army, or that, 
 owing to ill health, he had never been 
 through the riding-school. On making my 
 acquaintance, Sir James told me that I was 
 very fortunate to have been posted to 
 " number ten," which was the company he 
 commanded. 
 
 I asked him, in a friendly and confiden- 
 tial manner, which I believed to be appro- 
 priate, " whether we had much to do ? " 
 
 " You'll have plenty to do, you may take 
 your oath," he replied. 
 
 I found that what he had said was very 
 true ; and for several days I was very 
 closely engaged in learning the necessary 
 rudiments of the art of war. However, 
 I was soon allowed to make some progress, 
 and I had the distinction of carrying the 
 colours on parade.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 221 
 
 In the next chapter I shall relate a few 
 of my professional experiences, and I believe 
 that some of the revelations I shall have to 
 make will be found not only curious, but 
 startling.
 
 222 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 In due course it came to my turn to be 
 the " subaltern of the day." I commenced 
 my duties with keen enjoyment, and at 
 half-past six in the morning stood in a shed, 
 enthusiastically watching the issue of the 
 rations. These rations consisted of one 
 pound of good bread and three-quarters of a 
 pound of inferior meat. The quartermaster 
 was not present, as he should have been ; 
 but the quartermaster-sergeant, who was 
 there, seemed thoroughly to understand the 
 business in which he was engaged, and in- 
 deed he seemed on perfectly familiar terms 
 with the butcher.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 223 
 
 " There's too much bone on this/' ob- 
 served one of the men. 
 
 " Nothing of the sort," answered the 
 quartermaster-sergeant ; " there's not more 
 than half of it fat and bone." 
 
 " It's how I like it myself," remarked the 
 butcher, with a smile. 
 
 I often felt inclined to espouse the cause 
 of the men who complained ; but besides 
 being timid of exercising my authority, I 
 knew nothing about the quality of bread or 
 raw meat. Also, some men complained 
 without reasonable cause, and simply as a 
 speculation ; and furthermore, the quarter- 
 master-sergeant had one argument which 
 seemed plausible, to meet any concessions 
 on my part, and that was, " If you do it for 
 one, they'll all expect the same." 
 
 When the general issue of rations was 
 concluded, the quartermaster-sergeant's son,
 
 224 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 a fat little boy of seven, arrived, carrying 
 a large basket, in which the butcher and 
 baker placed rations of meat and bread. 
 
 "Would you like a piece of suet?" in- 
 quired the butcher. 
 
 " Well, I don't mind if I do have a pud- 
 ding to-day," answered the quartermaster- 
 sergeant. 
 
 "It's beautiful meat," soliloquised the 
 butcher; and the quartermaster -sergeant 
 said, "That's all, sir," and went away. 
 
 I was now alone with the two purveyors, 
 and was about to depart, when a small 
 knot of militiamen, headed by a corporal, 
 returned to the shed. The corporal, having 
 introduced the deputation, told me that the 
 men wished to speak to me. 
 
 "What is it?" I asked. 
 
 " We think," answered one of the depu- 
 tation, "that it's very hard we've got to
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 225 
 
 take this here ration." Saying this, he 
 amazed me by exhibiting an enormous 
 empty marrow-bone. 
 
 Notwithstanding my inexperience, I could 
 see that a trick was being played, and was 
 about to say so, when the butcher, with a 
 sulky air, gave the complainants an excel- 
 lent beef-steak, with which they made off 
 laughing. 
 
 I afterwards ascertained that the marrow- 
 bone which I had seen had been produced 
 upon some former occasions ; and I believe 
 that it was periodically waved, as it were, 
 before the butcher in a warning manner, 
 to remind him that certain practices of 
 his were observed. 
 
 After the issue of rations I performed 
 various duties to the best of my ability, 
 learning what I had to do from a report 
 which had been written by a former sub- 
 
 VOL. I. P
 
 226 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 altera, of the day. This report concluded 
 with the statement, " Nothing unusual oc- 
 curred during my tour of duty ; " but as 
 something very unusual did occur during 
 the tour which I performed, I think it is 
 worth while that I should relate what it 
 was, though I shall not fatigue the reader 
 by describing seriatim everything else that 
 I did. 
 
 The " subaltern of the day " was supposed 
 to act in an auxiliary capacity with the 
 " captain of the day." The captain with 
 whom I chanced to be on duty was an 
 officer of the name of Solomon. He had 
 obtained his commission from the Lord 
 Lieutenant in a rather mysterious manner ; 
 and all that we knew about him was that 
 his father had been a parliamentary agent. 
 Captain Solomon (and so he invariably 
 styled himself) was the bane of our colonel's
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 227 
 
 life, and an object of detestation through- 
 out the regiment. While he was not out 
 for training he seemed to traverse the face 
 of Europe, leaving ridiculous traces of him- 
 self wherever he went. If we chanced to 
 read of " an English officer " quarrelling at 
 a ball in Vienna, or being thrown from his 
 horse at a review in Paris, we were sure 
 to hear afterwards that it was Solomon. 
 He also used to write to the newspapers, 
 suggesting that we should wear epaulets, 
 or pockets, or spectacles, or that we should 
 rank as regular soldiers. When he was out 
 for his annual training, some means were 
 generally found of keeping him in order. 
 Yet even then, as he lived in lodgings 
 in a remote part of the town, and never 
 dined at mess when he could avoid it, 
 he sometimes contrived to bring the uni- 
 form which he professed to love into
 
 228 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 discredit. He was constantly embroiling 
 himself with the regular soldiers, of whom 
 there were a few in the town ; and one 
 of them had to be tried by court-martial 
 for a dispute that he and Solomon had in 
 the street one night. It was with this 
 troublesome person, then, that I had to 
 perform my first tour of duty as subaltern 
 of the day. During the day he did not 
 exhibit any of his peculiarities, except in 
 once rebuking me for not calling him " sir." 
 When night came, having dined at mess, 
 I first went the rounds myself, and then, 
 in accordance with custom, asked Captain 
 Solomon at what hour it would suit him 
 to visit the guard. He replied, "About 
 half-past eleven, subaltern." 
 
 Accordingly when that hour had ar- 
 rived, Solomon girded on his sword, and 
 we sallied forth in order to go to the
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 229 
 
 barracks. We had not gone far along the 
 streets, when we noticed a large crowd 
 assembled round a public-house which was 
 one of our billets. The crowd was watch- 
 ing the antics of a tipsy militiaman, who, 
 fully dressed, armed, and equipped, and 
 carrying his musket with fixed bayonet, 
 was walking up and down the pavement in 
 the manner of a sentry. He frequently 
 waved his right hand to the applauding 
 mob, and kept shouting, " On guard ! on 
 guard ! " 
 
 As soon as Solomon saw all this, he 
 paused, and clapping his hand to his chin, 
 seemed to deliberate. Then, pushing his 
 way through the crowd, he marched up to 
 the disturber, and shouted, " What are you 
 doing out of your billet, sir ? " 
 
 To which the man only answered, " On 
 guard ! on guard ! "
 
 230 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 Upon this, Captain Solomon turned to 
 me, and said, " Subaltern, fetch an escort." 
 At the same time he drew his sword, in- 
 tending, I suppose, to kill his prisoner, 
 should he attempt to escape. 
 
 I was very glad to be able to get away 
 from this scene, which I found embarras- 
 sing:, though I did not know that it was 
 disgraceful. I hurried off to the barracks, 
 and what happened to Solomon in my 
 absence, I heard partly from him, as I shall 
 presently show, and partly from other 
 sources, which I need not mention. 
 
 The prisoner, soon after Solomon had 
 drawn his sword, took to his heels, and, 
 accoutred as he was, ran down the street. 
 Captain Solomon immediately darted in 
 pursuit, but he was so unfortunate as to 
 get his empty scabbard between his legs, 
 and measure his length on the pavement.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 231 
 
 Nothing daunted, however, he quickly rose 
 to his feet, and, followed by a delighted 
 mob, continued the chase. 
 
 To return for the present to myself. 
 I quickly reached the guard -room, where 
 I interrupted Sergeant Munden, who was 
 on guard, in an outrageously coarse story 
 which he was relating over a pipe to a little 
 drummer- boy, who might have been his 
 grandson. Sergeant Munden, who smelt 
 very strongly of rum, on hearing what 
 was the matter, at once despatched the 
 picket, which had just come in, to Solomon's 
 assistance. Having been ordered to "fetch" 
 an escort, I was about to accompany the 
 picket into the town, when Munden, shak- 
 ing his head in a very serious manner, said, 
 "Don't you go, sir; stay here till they come 
 back." 
 
 Resenting his advice, yet secretly anxious
 
 232 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 to act upon it, I stood for a moment ir- 
 resolute, and Munden continued, " You are 
 very young, sir, and I don't wish you to 
 get yourself into trouble. If Captain 
 Solomon likes to get into trouble, it isn't 
 anybody else's business. Why, by golly ! " 
 (here he gave a laugh,) " when I was in the 
 Mauritius " 
 
 " Sergeant Munden ! " said I, astonished 
 at the change in his manner. He struck 
 his heels together, saluted, and walked 
 back into the guard-room. 
 
 I remained in the barrack-yard for about 
 twenty minutes, when the picket returned 
 with their prisoner. They were causing 
 him to perform "the frog's march" — that 
 is, he was being carried by the ankles and 
 wrists, the front of his body being towards 
 the ground. The procession was closed by 
 Captain Solomon, who now came up to
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 233 
 
 Sergeant Munden, and said in a loud ex- 
 cited voice : " Sergeant ! I give yon charge 
 of this man ; you had better handcuff him : 
 if he kicks at the door, take his boots off. 
 I shall hold you responsible if he es- 
 capes." 
 
 " If he tries to escape, sir," answered 
 Sergeant Munden, giving a wink to the 
 drummer-boy, "I shall put him to death." 
 
 Solomon next inspected the guard, visited 
 two drunken prisoners, and then went off 
 to his lodgings in the towu, whither, at his 
 urgent request, I accompanied him. As 
 soon as we were within doors, he produced 
 a bottle of champagne, and at once drank 
 the greater portion of its contents. He 
 then began to exhibit embarrassment, and 
 at length said, " Youngster ; will you do 
 me a favour \ " 
 
 " What is it ? " I asked.
 
 234 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 " Why, not to go talking to the fellows 
 about what we've been up to, to-night," 
 said he. 
 
 I had to consent, but I did so with re- 
 luctance, for I had been amusing myself by 
 thinking that the night's adventures would 
 make an excellent story for me to tell to 
 the other subalterns, and to Dr Ascough, 
 who always loved gossip. I told Solomon, 
 however, that if the colonel asked for my 
 evidence at the orderly-room the next 
 morning, I should be obliged to speak. At 
 this his jaw fell for a moment; he then said, 
 " Of course, certainly ; but I have seen to 
 all that; the corporal of the picket will 
 be the only evidence. Don't you see," he 
 continued, " I don't want my name intro- 
 duced, if I can help it, for I might get the 
 poor devil I confined penal servitude." 
 
 Being excessively curious to hear some
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 235 
 
 particulars of the chase, and especially the 
 final capture, I now begged the captain to 
 tell me all that had happened. Kendered 
 communicative by the wine he had drunk, 
 he narrated, with mingled glee and remorse, 
 his recent adventure — first making me re- 
 new my promise of secrecy. Omitting the 
 circumstance of his having fallen on his face, 
 he told me that when the prisoner broke 
 away he pursued him through many streets, 
 for altogether a distance of nearly two 
 miles, and at last lost sight of him in the 
 vicinity of a small beer-shop near the bar- 
 racks. Solomon had then entered the beer- 
 shop, and found the fugitive in the act of 
 concealing himself under a bench in the 
 tap-room, still fully armed. 
 
 " I called upon him to surrender," said 
 Solomon ; " but he never moved. So I took 
 the beggar by the leg,, and was just pulling
 
 236 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 him out when the picket came up, and I 
 handed him over to them." 
 
 Before I left Captain Solomon that night, 
 he offered to give me some private instruc- 
 tion in military law. "For," said he, "I 
 am a pretty old soldier, and know all the 
 ins and outs of the thing." 
 
 Having excused myself from accepting 
 his offer, I took my departure. As I walked 
 back to my quarters, I thought over what I 
 had seen and heard that night, and came to 
 the conclusion that a man who was born a 
 gentleman might, without any acquaintance 
 with military law, make a better officer than 
 a man who knew all the laws in the service, 
 but did not possess the spirit in which they 
 were meant to be exercised.
 
 THOMAS ALLEN, 237 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 Although, as I have said, I had not of late 
 had any intimacy with young Longstaffe, 
 my cousin, during my month's training I 
 was a good deal thrown into his society; 
 for his widow mother, Lady Susan, had a 
 place called Pie-pond Hall, close to AVolven- 
 den, and now began frequently to invite 
 me there. Lady Susan Longstaffe, besides 
 being my mother's first cousin, was my 
 godmother ; and though she had not taken 
 much notice of me since my infancy, and 
 had certainly never ascertained that I had 
 been confirmed, still, as soon as I was 
 quartered at Wolvenden, and in the same
 
 238 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 regiment as her son, she became most affec- 
 tionately civil to me. This was her method 
 with every one. She cared nothing for 
 friends or relations as long as they were 
 absent, and simply neglected them alto- 
 gether ; but directly she was brought back 
 into collision with them, she behaved as if 
 she had always been their tried friend; and, 
 as she had charming manners, and a voice 
 and eyes which might have belonged to an 
 angel, she nearly always contrived to heal 
 any wounds which her neglect had inflicted. 
 As for me, I had not missed her face during 
 the last sixteen years any more than she 
 had missed mine ; but I was pleased to be 
 now feasted and almost caressed at her 
 house, because it afforded me an opportu- 
 nity of seeing a person for whom I had an 
 honest and very sincere affection — namely, 
 Mrs Frank Chobham, who at this time
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 239 
 
 came to stay at Pie-pond Hall with her 
 husband. 
 
 I have not thought it necessary to record 
 the progress of two or three dreamy attach- 
 ments with which I had already indulged 
 myself in the course of my short career. I 
 had now and then cherished a special ad- 
 miration for some one of the opposite sex, 
 who in each case was a few years my senior ; 
 but these affairs had never been so serious 
 as to occasion me any but the most transient 
 unhappiness or other inconvenience. For 
 Helena, however, I had for a long time felt 
 a different kind of regard, which had its 
 foundation in respect; and though I must 
 own that I witnessed the ceremony of her 
 marriage with hardly any emotion what- 
 ever, that event had not ended, or even in- 
 terrupted, my admiration and liking for 
 her. When I met her at Pie-pond Hall, it
 
 240 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 was the first time I had seen her since the 
 occasion of her wedding. 1 had heard that 
 Mr Chobham had not proved quite as de- 
 voted as he had undertaken to be ; but I 
 cannot say that I perceived any "settled 
 gloom," "mute appeal/' or "shocking al- 
 teration/' in Helena's face ; and though I 
 might have felt nattered had she confided 
 to me that she was unhappy (as Mrs Vish 
 would have done in her place), she on the 
 contrary gave me to understand that she 
 and "Frank" were a wonderfully happy 
 couple. 
 
 My frequent visits to Pie-pond Hall ex- 
 cited the envy of some of the other sub- 
 alterns, to whom Lady Susan had shown no 
 civility, and to whom her son was an object 
 of dislike. They decided that I gave my- 
 self airs of superiority, which was not an 
 absolutely unjust charge ; and under these
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 241 
 
 circumstances they greatly enjoyed a ludi- 
 crous mortification which befell me, as fol- 
 lows. I was one day sitting in the ante- 
 room answering an invitation from Lady 
 Susan, when a visitor was announced. He 
 entered the room, and immediately ad- 
 dressed me by name ; whereupon I recog- 
 nised that Philip Graham, whom I had 
 hitherto seen in the dress of a Blue-coat 
 boy. Although he no longer wore that 
 strange but picturesque costume, he was 
 dressed in a very extravagant manner ; 
 also the black hair on his head was cut so 
 short that his ears stood out like handles ; 
 and his face was completely shaved, a blue 
 mark indicating that he naturally had a 
 stiff beard. But if his eccentric appearance 
 was unprepossessing, his voice was still 
 more so. After giving a most exaggerated 
 start of pleasure upon seeing me, he ad- 
 VOL. i. Q
 
 242 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 dressed me in tones which might have come 
 from the throat of a bull. " Allen ! " he 
 bellowed, "do } r ou not know me ? " 
 
 Seeing every one turn round with amaze- 
 ment, I was really tempted to adopt the 
 base expedient of pretending not to know 
 him. Before I could recover from my 
 bewilderment, he continued, in the same 
 stentorian accents, " Why, how you have 
 improved ! Indeed I had some difficulty 
 in recognising you." 
 
 I received this with rather a bad grace ; 
 but, as an alternative to sinking through 
 the floor, I offered him some refreshment. 
 Upon which he simultaneously frowned, 
 rolled his eyes, smiled nearly from ear to 
 ear, and answered from the pit of his 
 stomach, " Oh, thank you ! " 
 
 While we were waiting for some wine to 
 be brought in, he asked me whether Mrs
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 243 
 
 Frank Chobham was quite well. On my 
 informing him, partly from perversity, that 
 I believed she had a slight cold, he sud- 
 denly elevated his eyebrows half-way up 
 his forehead, and, changing his bull -like 
 roar into a squeak, said, " I am so sorry." 
 
 The wine being now brought in, in a 
 common decanter belonging to the hotel, 
 he resumed his deep voice, and shouted, 
 "What very nice glass this is!" 
 
 This ridiculous remark increased my ill- 
 humour, though I could not help smiling; 
 and as the best mode of getting out of the 
 ante-room, where every one was struggling 
 to restrain laughing, I proposed to Philip 
 that we should go for a walk, to which he 
 consented, and I hurried him from the 
 room. Although I was a good deal an- 
 noyed, I was at the same time full of 
 curiosity to know why he dressed and
 
 244 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 spoke in such an unusual manner. This 
 he soon explained, by telling me that his 
 father having disowned him, he had be- 
 come a strolling player, or, as he styled it, 
 " a comedian." 
 
 He told me that his father — that is, 
 Kalph — wanted him to go into the wine- 
 trade, to which he would not consent ; that 
 at last, having spent nearly all his money, 
 he had gone to an agent in Bow Street, 
 who gave him his "first shop of walking 
 gentleman and general utility, at fifteen bob 
 a-week, in the provinces. But I've got on 
 very well indeed since then," said he ; " I 
 do the leadiug business now, and our old 
 woman finds me in my dresses." 
 
 Having said all this in a tone which 
 caused several passers-by to turn and look 
 back at us with surprise, Philip Graham at 
 length explained that his object in coming
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 245 
 
 to see me was to ask me whether I would 
 procure for him the patronage of the colonel 
 and officers of the regiment, and also the 
 assistance of our band, for a " grand mili- 
 tary performance," which he and his com- 
 panions desired to give before leaving Wol- 
 venden. I told him that for my own part 
 I hoped to see him act, but that he should 
 apply to the colonel as to the other matters 
 which he had mentioned. Then, as we had 
 reached the door of the theatre, which he 
 said he must enter, I Avas about to wish 
 him good-day, but he suddenly seized me 
 by the arm, and asked, " Do you see that 
 lady over the way there?" 
 
 I could only see a woe-begone-looking 
 woman, who was leaving a pastry-cook's 
 shop, but I answered him in the affirma- 
 tive ; upon which, modifying his accustomed 
 bellow into a stage-whisper, he said, " She
 
 246 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 can vamp against any woman you ever 
 met ! " 
 
 " Can she ! " said I, wondering what he 
 meant ; and declining his invitation that I 
 should come in, I took leave of him, and 
 returned to the hotel. Here I found the 
 ante-room very full, and, amongst others, my 
 captain, Sir James Hoddem, was there. He 
 was drinking as I came in, and, on perceiv- 
 ing me, shouted, " What very nice glass 
 this is ! " at which every one laughed. I 
 tried to laugh too, but I believe only ap- 
 peared uncomfortable. Sir James, after 
 eyeing me for some time in a critical man- 
 ner, said abruptly, "Did you go round all 
 our billets at the dinner-hour to-day ? Oh ! 
 * most of them,' eh ? Well, supposing you 
 visit them all now." With a heavy heart 
 1 proceeded to obey the order. 
 
 The presence of Philip Graham in Wol-
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 247 
 
 venden caused me the keenest mortification. 
 At any moment he might appear in our 
 mess, when I should have to choose between 
 insulting him by sending him away, or in- 
 sulting my brother officers by entertaining 
 him. Dread at first paralysed my action, 
 and for a whole day I took no measures of 
 precaution. The result was that on the 
 second day, as I was preparing to go to 
 parade after breakfast, I heard the sonorous 
 voice of the actor saying, " But, tell me, 
 has he gone to drill ? You do not know ? 
 But surely you can ascertain ! " 
 
 My brow was covered with a cold mist, 
 and I should positively have leapt from the 
 window, had there been no danger of break- 
 ing my legs in doing so. The sonorous 
 voice grew more distant, however, and I 
 escaped safely to parade. As I was after- 
 wards performing my various duties in the
 
 248 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 field, I meditated as to what I had better 
 do with respect to Graham ; and I decided 
 to lay the case before one of the majors, the 
 ex-naval officer, whom I knew to be clever 
 at devising expedients. 
 
 When our manoeuvres came to a close, we 
 were formed up on the common where they 
 had taken place, and then began to march 
 back to barracks. As I was happily pur- 
 suing my way, the band playing " Old Bob 
 Ridley," the men of my company gave a 
 unanimous groan of derision. Such expres- 
 sions of feeling were by no means unusual, 
 but, having assisted to restore silence, I 
 followed the glances of the men, in hopes 
 of seeing something to amuse me, when 
 an object which filled me with anger and 
 despair met my eye. Mr Graham had just 
 emerged from a side street, and was intently 
 watching us as we passed. He was dressed
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 249 
 
 in cinnamon-coloured trousers, and a vel- 
 veteen coat, while on his head he wore what 
 was called a pork-pie cap. He had fastened 
 a pair of double eye-glasses to his nose, and 
 I believe it was this circumstance that pre- 
 vented him from seeing me as I passed. 
 One of the militiamen who noticed Philip 
 declared that he must be " Bob Eidley," 
 while another said that he was a Eussian. 
 As soon as we had been dismissed I told 
 all my fears to the major, and the con- 
 sequence was that when Graham came to 
 The Bull, soon afterwards, he was ushered 
 into a private room, where the adjutant saw 
 him, promised him what he required, and 
 then sent him away. The chief part of the 
 annoyance being thus removed, I was vexed 
 by Dr Ascough's taking me aside, later in 
 the day, to remonstrate with me for having 
 ever received poor Philip in the ante-room.
 
 250 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 " Why, what else could I have done, 
 Ascough \ " said I. 
 
 " Done ! " exclaimed he ; " Done ! Why, 
 my dear boy, you should have told him to 
 go to the devil, to be sure ! " 
 
 But I presently learnt, somewhat to my 
 consolation, that I was not the only person 
 to whom Graham had been the cause of 
 embarrassment. Soon after he and his com- 
 panions had given their " grand military " 
 entertainment, and had quitted the town, I 
 dined at Pie-pond Hall, where I again met 
 Helena Chobham and her husband. In the 
 course of the evening our hostess, Lady 
 Susan, said, " I must tell you we had a visit 
 from a most romantic, charming young 
 man, a friend of Mrs Chobham's, the other 
 day. 
 
 Helena smiled at this, and said, " Oh yes, 
 but Mr Allen knows him too.'''
 
 THOMAS ALLEX. 251 
 
 As I endeavoured to utter the name of 
 " Graham " — for I had guessed who it was 
 — my countenance betrayed so much emo- 
 tion that every one burst out laughing. I 
 then compared my own recent experience 
 with that of Mrs Chobham, and found that 
 we had each suffered very similar annoy- 
 ance ; for she Joo, wishing to be amiable, 
 had received Graham when he called upon 
 her, and had been reprimanded for having 
 done so. In fact, I believe that her hus- 
 band, in reproving her, said almost word 
 for word what Dr Ascough had said to me. 
 Helena and I extracted much amusement 
 out of the Graham incident, but we agreed 
 in wondering how it came to pass that a 
 man of Mr Ralph Graham's supposed for- 
 tune should suffer his only son to be wan- 
 dering about the country in search of sub- 
 sistence.
 
 252 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 After this meeting with Helena Chobham 
 (of whom I shall have a good deal more to 
 say not long hence), I returned to The 
 Bull at Wolvenden, there to take part in 
 a kind of entertainment so little heard of 
 in the present day that I think it is worth 
 describing. I found the ante-room almost 
 untenanted. One rubber of whist was 
 being played. Yet the air was impreg- 
 nated with the smoke of many cigars, and 
 there were other signs which denoted that 
 the room had only very recently been de- 
 serted. The four wdiist-players were the 
 colonel, an army officer, another guest, and 
 Sir James Hoddem. The latter, as the 
 cards were being dealt, nodded to me, 
 saying, " Well, how's Pie-pond getting on ? " 
 He then added, in a lower tone, " Go and 
 see what those youngsters are doing, and 
 let me know."
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 253 
 
 I left the room, and soon a sound of dis- 
 tant strife led me in the direction of a cor- 
 ridor in a remote part of the house. Here 
 I found everything in darkness, but from 
 one particular room a violent clamour pro- 
 ceeded. Into this room I quickly entered, 
 and was immediately brought to the ground 
 by a blow in the ribs. Jumping up again, 
 I at once took part in a fray in which I 
 could not at first distinguish friend from 
 foe. From the voices I heard, and from the 
 forms which I gradually discerned, how- 
 ever, it appeared that Solomon and three or 
 four subalterns, including myself, were en- 
 gaged in a battle with several men, of whom 
 one was the ostler. Two chairs had been 
 broken up, and the pieces were being used 
 as staves, though most of the party used 
 their fists. For my own part, I gave one 
 opponent some pretty hard blows in the
 
 254 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 face, and he retreated, pretending not to see 
 me. As I was following him, I accidentally 
 trod on the upturned features of Captain 
 Solomon, who lay roaring " Murder ! " with 
 the ostler sitting on him, and shaking him 
 by the throat. I should have gone to the 
 rescue, had I not been saved the trouble by 
 the ostler's wife, a woman of great size, who 
 ran in at this moment. She, having quickly 
 identified her husband in the darkness, 
 seized him by his whiskers and began to 
 drag him away, at the same time scream- 
 ing, - ' You wretch ! why don't you come to 
 bed ? Fighting a t this hour of the night, 
 and with the gentlemen staying in the 
 hotel too ! " 
 
 At this point Solomon, who was still on 
 the floor, seized the ostler by the leg and 
 endeavoured to throw him, upon which the 
 Amazon of a wife caught up a slop-pail
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 255 
 
 which stood by and flung the contents in 
 Solomon's face. She and her husband then 
 effected a retreat, and the landlord appear- 
 ing with a light, the rest of the enemy also 
 made off. 
 
 I now learnt how the disturbance had 
 arisen. Solomon, having drunk too much 
 wine, had attempted to enter a room where 
 a sort of club was being held. After some 
 disputing with the members, he had gone 
 away from the door ; but when one of the 
 members, who was staying in the house, 
 had gone to his bedroom, Solomon had fol- 
 lowed him, and some of the other members 
 had followed Solomon, who in due course 
 was rather roughly handled. A few of the 
 subalterns, however, having heard what was 
 going od, had gone to his rescue. The 
 ostler, who was in the same condition as 
 Solomon (except that he had been drinking
 
 256 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
 
 beer and gin, instead of champagne and 
 port), had been attracted to the scene merely 
 by his desire to fight with somebody. 
 
 Having assisted in putting Solomon to 
 bed, for he was unable to go home, I returned 
 to the ante-room, but found all in darkness. 
 
 The next day, when I awoke, Captain 
 Brain the adjutant was standing at my 
 bedside. He told me that he had come 
 to demand my sword, and to place me in 
 arrest. He knew nothing, he said, " as to 
 what I had been about ;" but he was simply 
 carrying out the colonel's orders, which he 
 had received at eight o'clock that morning. 
 He then left me to my reflections, which 
 were of a most uncomfortable kind. My 
 most disagreeable thought was that I was a 
 military prisoner in a hotel. This was far 
 more galling to my pride than if I had been 
 a prisoner in barracks or camp. " What," I
 
 THOMAS ALLEN. 257 
 
 asked myself, " would the waiters and 
 chambermaids suppose ? Perhaps that I 
 was accused of felony ! " But I was soon 
 engaged in further unpleasant reflections 
 of a rather more serious and solid nature. 
 When my breakfast, or prison fare, was 
 brought up to my room, my letters which 
 had come by the post were also given to 
 me. One of them, undated and unsigned, 
 ran as follows : — 
 
 " Sir, — You are a dirty, stuck-up, young 
 blackguard, and I will tell you why. Your 
 silly, purse-proud old parents never tied 
 the knot. You won't believe this, at 
 first, but ask them for yourself, and you 
 will find that it is correct. But cheer 
 up, Tommy. The vanity of high birth is 
 the greatest of all vanities and fopperies, 
 and the kings of Denmark draw their pedi- 
 
 VOL. I. R
 
 258 AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF THOMAS ALLEN. 
 
 gree from Ulfo, who was the son of a hear. 
 — Farewell." 
 
 Full of indignation at this extraordinary 
 insult, I nevertheless broke into a cold per- 
 spiration of fear. I was debating what 
 course to take, when I heard a trumpet- 
 sound outside, and looking out of the 
 window, I saw the army officer who had 
 been playing whist the night before, ride 
 under the archway of the hotel, at the 
 head of a troop of cavalry. 
 
 END OF THE FIEST VOLUME. 
 
 PRINTED BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS.
 
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