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LINCOLN ROOM 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 LIBRARY 
 
 MEMORIAL 
 
 the Class of 1901 
 
 founded by 
 
 HARLAN HOYT HORNER 
 
 and 
 
 HENRIETTA CALHOUN HORNER 
 
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 J)0)it 
 
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 Ti)Jitr<vrvdf}^WmO\j 
 
 YARNS-^^^STORIES 
 
 HISTORY- CHRONOLOGY 
 
 mMEREOj=Ho»AUTHmiC SOURCES 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 
 in 2012 with funding from 
 
 University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/abelincolnsjokesOOstei 
 
ABE LINCOLN'S 
 JOKES 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR 
 
 YARNS AND STORIES 
 
 HISTORY - CHRONOLOGY 
 
 Gathered from 
 Authentic Sources 
 
 Edited and Copr. 1943 
 By Max Stein — Publisher — Chicago 
 
 Made In U. S. A. 
 
Why Should the Spirit of Mortal Be Proud 
 
 President Lincoln's favorite poem. 
 
 Oh! why should the spirit of mortal be proud? 
 
 Like a swift-floating meteor, a fast-flying cloud; 
 
 A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave, 
 
 Man passeth from life to his rest in the grave. 
 
 The leaves of the oak and willow shall fade. 
 
 Be shattered around and together be laid; 
 
 And the young and the old, and the low and the high, 
 
 Should moulder to dust and together shall lie, 
 
 The infant and mother, attended and loved, 
 
 The mother that infant's affection who proved; 
 
 The husband that mother and infant who blessed. 
 
 Each, all are away to their dwellings of rest. 
 
 The maid, on whose cheek, on v.'hose brow, in whose eye, 
 
 Shone beauty and pleasure, her triumphs are by; 
 
 And the memory of those who loved her and praised. 
 
 Are alike from the minds of the living erased. 
 
 The hand of the kin.? that the sceptre hath borne; 
 
 The brow of the priest that the mitre hath worn: 
 
 The eye of the sage and the hearth of the brave. 
 
 Are hidden and lost in the depths of the grave — 
 
 The peasant, whose lot was to sow and to reap. 
 
 The herdsman, who climbed with his gosts up the steep; 
 
 The beggar who wandered in search for his bread. 
 
 Have faded away like the grass that we tread. 
 
 The saint who enjoyed the communion of heaven. 
 
 The sinner who dared to remain unforgiven. 
 
 The wise and the foolish, the guilty and just, 
 
 Have quietly mingled their bones in the dust. 
 
 So the multitudes go, like the flower or the weed. 
 
 That withers away to let others succeed; 
 
 So the ihultitude comes, even those we behold, 
 
 To repeat every tale that has often been told. 
 
 For we are the same our fathers have been 
 
 We see the same sights our fathers have seen; 
 
 We drink the same stream and view the same sun. 
 
 And run the same course our fathers have run. 
 
 The thoughts we are thinking our fathers would think, 
 
 From the death we are shrinking, our fathers would shrink. 
 
 To the life we are clinging they also would cling, 
 
 But it speeds from us all like a bird on the wing. 
 
 They loved, but the story we cannot unfold. 
 
 They scorned, but the heart of the haughty is cold; 
 
 They grieved, but no wail from their slumber will come, 
 
 They joyed, but the tongue of their gladness is dumb. 
 
 They died; aye! they died; we things that are now. 
 
 That walk on that turf that lies over their brow: 
 
 And make in their dwellings a transient abode, 
 
 Meet the things that they met on their pilgrimage road. 
 
 Yea! hope and despondency, pleasure and pain, 
 
 We mingle together in sunshine and rain; 
 
 And the smile and the tear, the song and the dirge, 
 
 Still follow each other, like surge upon surge. 
 
 'Tis the wink of an eve, 'tis the draught of a breath, 
 
 From the blossom of health to the paleness of death. 
 
 From the gilded saloon to the bier and the shroud — 
 
 Oh, why should the spirit of mortal be proud? 
 
^^ 
 
 LINCOLN CHRONOLOGY 
 
 1806 — Marriage of Thomas Lincoln and Nancy Hanks, 
 
 June 12th, Washington County, Kentucky. 
 1809 — Born February 12th, Hardin (now La Rue 
 
 County), Kentucky. 
 1816 — Family Removed to Perry County, Indiana. 
 1818 — Death of Abraham's Mother, Nancy Hanks 
 
 Lincoln. 
 1819 — Second Marriage Thomas Lincoln; Married 
 
 Sally Bush Johnston, December 2d, at Eliza- 
 
 bethtown, Kentucky. 
 1830— Lincoln Family Removed to Illinois, Locating 
 
 in Macon County. 
 1831 — Abraham Located at New Salem. 
 1832 — Abraham a Captain in the Black Hawk War. 
 1833 — Appointed Postmaster at New Salem. 
 1834 — Abraham as a Surveyor. First Election to the 
 
 Legislature. 
 1835 — Love Romance with Anne Rutledge. 
 1836 — Second Election to the Legislature. 
 1837 — Licensed to Practice Law. 
 1838 — Third Election to the Legislature. 
 1840 — Presidential Elector on Harrison Ticket. 
 
 Fourth Election to the Legislature. 
 1842 — Married November 4th, to Mary Todd. 
 
 " Duel " with General Shields. 
 1843 — Birth of Robert Todd Lincoln, August 1st. 
 1846 — Elected to Congress. Birth of Edward Baker 
 
 Lincoln, March 10th. 
 
 1848 — Delegate to the Philadelphia National Conven- 
 tion. 
 
LINCOLN CHRONOLOGY 
 
 1850 — Birth of William Wallace Lincoln^ December 2d. 
 1853 — Birth of Thomas Lincoln, April 4th. 
 1855 — Assists in Formation Republican Party. 
 1858 — Joint Debater with Stephen A. Douglas. De- 
 feated for the United States Senate. 
 1860 — Nominated and Elected to the Presidency. 
 1861 — Inaugurated as President, March 4th. 
 1863 — Issued Emancipation Proclamation. 
 1864 — Reelected to the Presidency. 
 
 1865 — Assassinated by J. Wilkes Booth, April 14th. 
 Died April 15th, Remains Interred at 
 Springfield, Illinois, May 4th. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR 
 OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN 
 
 INTRODUCTORY 
 
 Whenever Abraham Lincoln wanted to make a 
 strong point he usually began by saying, " Now, that 
 reminds me of a story." And when he had told the 
 story every one saw the point and was put into a good 
 humor. 
 
 Before Lincoln was ever heard of as a lawyer or 
 politician, he was famous as a story teller. As a poli- 
 tician, he always had a story to fit the other side; as 
 a lawyer, he won many cases by telling the jury a 
 story which showed them the justice of his side better 
 than any argument could have done. 
 
 While nearly all of Lincoln's stories have a humor- 
 ous side, they also contain a moral, which every good 
 story should have. 
 
 They contain lessons that could be taught so well 
 in no other way. Every one of them is a sermon. 
 Lincoln, like the Man of Galilee, spoke to the people in 
 parables. 
 
 Nothing that can be written about Lincoln can show 
 his character in such a true light as the yarns and 
 stories he was so fond of telling, and at which he would 
 laugh as heartily as anyone. 
 
 For a man whose life was so full of great responsi- 
 5 
 
6 . WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 bilities, Lincoln had many hours of laughter when the 
 humorous, fun-loving side of his great nature asserted 
 itself. 
 
 Every person to keep healthy ought to have one 
 good hearty laugh every day. Lincoln did, and the 
 stories at which he laughed will continue to furnish 
 laughter to all who appreciate good humor, with a 
 moral point and spiced with that true philosophy bred 
 in those who live close to nature and to the people 
 around them. 
 
 Of all the Presidents of the United States, and in- 
 deed of all the great statesmen who have made their 
 indelible impress upon the policy of the Republic, Abra- 
 ham Lincoln stands out single and alone in his indi- 
 vidual qualities. He had little experience in states- 
 manship when he was called to the Presidency. He 
 had only a few years of service in the State Legislature 
 of Illinois, and a single term in Congress ending twelve 
 years before he became President, but he had to grapple 
 with the gravest problems ever presented to the states- 
 manship of the nation for solution, and he met each 
 and all of them in turn with the most consistent mastery, 
 and settled them so successfully that all have stood un- 
 questioned until the present time, and are certain to en- 
 dure while the Republic lives. 
 
 In this he surprised not only his own cabinet and the 
 leaders of his party who had little confidence in him 
 when he first became President, but equally surprised 
 the country and the world. 
 
 He was patient, tireless and usually silent when great 
 conflicts raged about him to solve the appalling prob- 
 lems which were presented at various stages of the war 
 for determination, and when he reached his conclusion 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 7 
 
 he was inexorable. The wrangles of faction and the 
 jostling of ambition were compelled to bow when Lin- 
 coln had determined upon his line of duty. 
 
 He was much more than a statesman; he was one of 
 the most sagacious politicians^ although he was en- 
 tirely unschooled in the machinery by which political 
 results are achieved. His judgment of men was next to 
 unerring, and when results were to be attained he knew 
 the men who should be assigned to the task, and he 
 rarely made a mistake. 
 
 Lincoln's public acts are familiar to every school boy 
 of the nation, but his personal attributes, which are so 
 strangely distinguished from the attributes of other 
 great men, are now the most interesting study of young 
 and old throughout our land, and there can be no more 
 acceptable presentation to the public than a compila- 
 tion of anecdotes and incidents pertaining to the life 
 of the greatest of all our Presidents. 
 
 LINCOLN'S LOVE OF HUMOR 
 
 It was once said of Shakespeare that the great mind 
 that conceived the tragedies of " Hamlet," " Macbeth," 
 etc., would have lost its reason if it had not found vent 
 in the sparkling humor of such comedies as ** The Merry 
 Wives of Windsor " and " The Comedy of Errors." 
 
 The great strain on the mind of Abraham Lincoln 
 produced by four years of civil war might likewise have 
 overcome his reason had it not found vent in the yarns 
 and stories he constantly told. No more fun-loving or 
 humor-loving man than Abraham Lincoln ever lived. 
 He enjoyed a joke even when it was on himself, and 
 probably, while he got his greatest enjoyment from tell- 
 
8 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ing stories, he had a keen appreciation of the humor in 
 those that were told him. 
 
 His favorite humorous writer was David R. Locke, 
 better known as " Petroleum V. Nasby," whose political 
 satires were quite famous in their day. Nearly every 
 prominent man who has written his recollections of 
 Lincoln has told how the President, in the middle of a 
 conversation on some serious subject, would suddenly 
 stop and ask his hearer if he ever read the Nasby let- 
 ters. 
 
 Then he would take from his desk a pamphlet con- 
 taining the letters and proceed to read them, laughing 
 heartily at all the good points they contained. There 
 is probably no better evidence of Mr. Lincoln's love 
 of humor and appreciation of it than his letter to Nasby, 
 in which he said: ** For the ability to write these 
 things I would gladly trade places with you." 
 
 LINCOLN'S LOVE AFFAIRS 
 
 Previous to his marriage Mr. Lincoln had two love 
 affairs, one of them so serious that it left an impression 
 upon his whole future life. One of the objects of his 
 affection was Miss Mary Owen, of Green county, Ken- 
 tucky, who decided that Mr. Lincoln " was deficient in 
 those little links which make up the chain of woman's 
 happiness." The affair ended without any damage to 
 Mr. Lincoln's heart or the heart of the lady. 
 
 STORY OF ANNE RUTLEDGE 
 
 Lincoln's first love, however, had a sad termina- 
 tion. The object of his affections at that time was 
 Anne Rutledge, whose father was one of the founders 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 9 
 
 of New Salem. Like Miss Owen, Miss Rutledge was 
 also born in Kentucky, and was gifted with the beauty 
 and graces that distinguish many Southern women. At 
 the time that Mr. Lincoln and Anne Rutledge were en- 
 gaged to be married, he thought himself too poor to 
 properly support a wife, and they decided to wait until 
 such time as he could better his financial condition. A 
 short time thereafter Miss Rutledge was attacked with 
 a fatal illness, and her death was such a blow to her in- 
 tended husband that for a long time his friends feared 
 that he would lose his mind. 
 
 MARRIES A SPRINGFIELD BELLE 
 
 Among the social belles of Springfield was Mary 
 Todd, a handsome and cultivated girl of illustrious 
 descent which could be traced back to the sixth century, 
 to whom Mr. Lincoln was married in 1842. Stephen 
 A. Douglas was his competitor in love as well as in poli- 
 tics. He courted Mary Todd until it became evident 
 that she preferred Mr. Lincoln. 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln was of the average height, weighing 
 about a hundred and thirty pounds. She was rather 
 compactly built, had a well rounded face, rich dark- 
 brown hair, and bluish-gray eyes. In her bearing she 
 was proud, but handsome and vivacious ; she was a good 
 conversationalist, using with equal fluency the French 
 and English languages. 
 
 When she used a pen, its point was sure to be sharp, 
 and she wrote with wit and ability. She not only had a 
 quick intellect but an intuitive judgment of men and 
 their motives. Ordinarily she was affable and even 
 
10 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 charming in her manners; but when oiFended or antag- 
 onized she could be very bitter and sarcastic. 
 
 In hei figure and physical proportions^ in education, 
 bearing, temperament, history — in everything she was 
 the exact reverse of Lincolno 
 
 That Mrs. Lincoln was very proud of her husband 
 there is no doubt; and it is probable that she married 
 him largely from motives of ambition. She knew Lin- 
 coln better than he knew himself; she instinctively felt 
 that he would occupy a proud position some day, and it 
 is a matter of record that she told Ward Lamon, her 
 husband's law partner, that " Mr. Lincoln will yet be 
 President of the United States.** 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln was decidedly pro-slavery in her views, 
 but this never disturbed Lincoln. In various ways they 
 were unlike. Her fearless, witty, and austere nature 
 had nothing in common with the calm, imperturbable, 
 and simple ways of her thoughtful and absent-minded 
 husband. She was bright and sparkling in conversa- 
 tion, and fit to grace any drawing-room. She well knew 
 that to marry Lincoln meant not a life of luxury and 
 ease, for Lincoln was not a man to accumulate wealth; 
 but in him she saw position in society, prominence in the 
 world, and the grandest social distinction. By that 
 means her ambition was certainly satisfied, for nineteen 
 years after her marriage she was " the first lady of the 
 land," and the mistress of the White House. 
 
 After his marriage, by dint of untiring efforts and the 
 recognition of influential friends, the couple managed 
 through rare frugality to move along. In Lincoln's 
 struggles, both in the law and for political advancement, 
 his wife shared his sacrifices. She was a plucky little 
 woman, and in fact endowed with a more restless am- 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 11 
 
 bition than he. She was gifted with a rare insight into 
 the motives that actuate mankind, and there is no doubt 
 that much of Lincoln's success was in a measure at- 
 tributable to her acuteness and the stimulus of her in- 
 fluence. 
 
 His election to Congress within four years after 
 their marriage afforded her extreme gratification. She 
 loved power and prominence, and was inordinately 
 proud of her tall and ungainly husband. She saw in 
 him bright prospects ahead, and his every move was 
 watched by her with the closest interest. If to other 
 persons he seemed homely, to her he was the embodi- 
 ment of noble manhood, and each succeeding day im- 
 pressed upon her the wisdom of her choice of Lincoln 
 over Douglas — if in reality she ever seriously accepted 
 the latter's attentions. 
 
 " Mr. Lincoln may not be as handsome a figure/* she 
 said one day in Lincoln's law office during her hus- 
 band's absence, when the conversation turned on Doug- 
 las, ** but the people are perhaps not aware that his 
 heart is as large as his arms are long." 
 
 TELLING STORIES ON THE CIRCUIT 
 
 The court circuit in those days was the scene of 
 many a story-telling joust, in which Lincoln was always 
 the chief. Frequently he would sit up until after mid- 
 night reeling off story after story, each one followed by 
 roars of laughter that could be heard all over the coun- 
 try tavern, in which the story-telling group was gath- 
 ered. Every type of character would be represented 
 in these groups, from the learned judge on the bench 
 down to the village loafer. 
 
12 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 Lincoln's favorite attitude was to sit with his long 
 legs propped up on the rail of the stove, or with his feet 
 against the wall, and thus he would sit for hours enter- 
 taining a crowd, or being entertained. 
 
 One circuit judge, was so fond of Lincoln's stories 
 that he often would sit up until midnight listening to 
 them, and then declare that he had laughed so much he 
 believed his ribs were shaken loose. 
 
 GAINS FAME AS A STORY-TELLER 
 
 It was about this time, too, that Lincoln's fame as a 
 story-teller began to spread far and wide. His sayings 
 and his jokes were repeated throughout that section of 
 the country, and he was famous as a story-teller before 
 anyone ever heard of him as a lawyer or a politician. 
 
 " CAPTAIN LINCOLN " PLEASED HIM 
 
 When the Blackhawk War broke out, Lincoln was 
 one of the first to respond to Governor Reynolds' call 
 for a thousand mounted volunteers to assist the United 
 States troops in driving Blackhawk back across the 
 Mississippi. Lincoln enlisted in the company from 
 Sangamon county and was elected captain. He often 
 remarked that this gave him greater pleasure than any- 
 thing that had happened in his life up to this time. He 
 had, however, no opportunities in this war to perform 
 any distinguished service. 
 
 Upon his return from the Blackhawk War, in which, 
 as he said afterward, in a humorous speech, when in 
 Congress, that he " fought, bled and came away," he 
 was an unsuccessful candidate for the Legislature. This 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 13 
 
 was the only time in his life^ as he himself has said^ that 
 he was ever beaten by the people. Although defeated, 
 in his own town of New Salem he received all of the 
 two hundred and eight votes cast except three. 
 
 FAILURE AS A BUSINESS MAN 
 
 One of Lincoln's business ventures was with William 
 Berry in a general store, under the firm name of Lin- 
 coln & Berry, but it did not take long to show that he 
 was not adapted for a business career. The firm failed. 
 Berry died and the debts of the firm fell entirely upon 
 Lincoln. Many of these debts he might have escaped 
 legally, but he assumed them all and it was not until 
 fifteen years later that the last indebtedness of Lincoln 
 & Berry was discharged. During his membership in 
 this firm he had applied himself to the study of law, be- 
 ginning at the beginning, that is with Blackstone. 
 Now that he had nothing to do he spent much of his 
 time lying under the shade of a tree poring over law 
 books, borrowed from a comrade in the Blackhawk War, 
 who was then a practicing lawyer at Springfield. 
 
 HIS POOR RELATIONS 
 
 One of the most beautiful traits of Mr. Lincoln's 
 character was his considerate regard for the poor and 
 obscure relatives he had left, plodding along in their 
 humble ways of life. Wherever upon his circuit he 
 found them, he always went to their dwellings, ate 
 with them,. and, when convenient, made their houses his 
 home. He never assumed in their presence the slight- 
 est superiority to them. He gave them money when 
 
14 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 they needed it and he had it. Countless times he was 
 known to leave his companions at the village hotel, 
 after a hard day's work in the court-room, and spend 
 the evening with these old friends and companions of 
 his humbler days. On one occasion, when urged not 
 to go, he replied, ** Why, Aunt's heart would be 
 broken if I should leave town without calling upon 
 her ; *' yet, he was obliged to walk several miles to make 
 the call. 
 
 DESERTER'S SINS WASHED OUT IN 
 BLOOD 
 
 This was the reply made by Lincoln to an applica- 
 tion for the pardon of a soldier who had shown him- 
 self brave in war, had been severely wounded, but 
 afterward deserted: 
 
 ** Did you say he was once badly wounded ? 
 
 ** Then, as the Scriptures say that in the shedding 
 of blood is the remission of sins, I guess we'll have to 
 let him off this time." 
 
 BOOKS READ BY LINCOLN IN HIS EARLY 
 LIFE 
 
 The books which Abraham had the early privilege 
 of reading were the Bible, much of which he could 
 repeat, " JEsop's Fables," all of which he could repeat, 
 ** Pilgrim's Progress," Weem's " Life of Washington," 
 and a " Life of Henry Clay," which his mother had 
 managed to purchase for him. Subsequently he read 
 the '* Life of Franklin " and Ramsay's " Life of Wash- 
 ington." In these books, read and re-read, he found 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 15 
 
 meat for his hungry mind. The Holy Bible, -Slsop and 
 John Bunyan — could three better books have been 
 chosen for him from the richest library ? 
 
 For those who have witnessed the dissipating effects 
 of many books upon the minds of modern children, it is 
 not hard to believe that Abraham's poverty of books 
 was the wealth of his life. These three books did 
 much to perfect that which his mother's teaching had 
 begun, and to form a character which, for quaint sim- 
 plicity, earnestness, truthfulness and purity, has never 
 been surpassed among the historic personages of the 
 world. The " Life of Washington," while it gave him 
 a lofty example of patriotism, incidentally conveyed 
 to his mind a general knowledge of American history; 
 and the " Life of Henry Clay " spoke to him of a liv- 
 ing man who had risen to political and professional 
 eminence from circumstances almost as humble as his 
 own. 
 
 The latter book undoubtedly did much to excite his 
 taste for politics, to kindle his ambition, and to make 
 him a warm admirer and partisan of Henry Clay. 
 
 LINCOLN'S FIRST SPEECH 
 
 Lincoln made his first speech when he was a mere 
 boy, going barefoot, his trousers held up by one sus- 
 pender, and his shock of hair sticking through a hole 
 in the crown of his cheap straw hat. 
 
 " Abe," in company with Dennis Hanks, attended 
 a political meeting, which was addressed by a typical 
 stump speaker — one of those loud-voiced fellows who 
 shouted at the top of his voice and waved his arms 
 wildly. 
 
16 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 At the conclusion of the speech, which did not meet 
 the views either of " Abe " or Dennis, the latter de- 
 clared that " Abe ** could make a better speech than 
 that. Whereupon he got a dry-goods box and called 
 on ** Abe " to reply to the campaign orator. 
 
 Lincoln threw his old straw hat on the ground, and, 
 mounting the dry-goods box, delivered a speech which 
 held the attention of the crowd and won him consider- 
 able applause. Even the campaign orator admitted 
 that it was a fine speech and answered every point in 
 his own " oration." 
 
 LINCOLN AS A LAWYER 
 
 Two things were essential to his success in manag- 
 ing a case. One was time; the other was a feeling of 
 confidence in the justice of the cause he represented. 
 
 He used to say: *' If I can free this case from 
 technicalities and get it properly swung to the jury, 
 I'll win it." 
 
 The following reply was overheard in Lincoln's 
 law-office, where he was in conversation with a man 
 who appeared to have a case that Lincoln did not de- 
 sire: "Yes," he said, "we can doubtless gain your 
 case for you; we can set a whole neighborhood at log- 
 gerheads; we can distress a widowed mother and her 
 six fatherless children, and thereby get for you six 
 hundred dollars to which you seem to have a legal 
 claim, but which rightfully belongs, it appears to me, 
 as much to the woman and children as it does to you. 
 You must remember that some things legally right are 
 not morally right. We shall not take your case, but 
 will give you a little advice for which we will charge 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 17 
 
 you nothing. You seem to be a sprightly, energetic 
 man; we would advise you to try your hand at making 
 six hundred dollars in some other way." 
 
 LINCOLN AND THE BRAGGART 
 
 James Larkins was a great hand to brag on any- 
 thing he owned. This time it was his horse. He 
 stepped up before Abe, who was in a crowd, and com- 
 menced talking to him, boasting all the while of his 
 animal. 
 
 " I have got the best horse in the country," he 
 shouted to his young listener. " I ran him nine miles 
 in exactly three minutes, and he never fetched a long 
 breath." 
 
 ** I presume," said Abe, rather dryly, " he fetched a 
 good many short ones though." 
 
 INCIDENT IN THE BLACK HAWK WAR 
 
 An old Indian strayed, hungry and helpless, into the 
 camp one day. The soldiers were conspiring to kill 
 him as a spy. 
 
 A letter from General Cass, recommending him, for 
 his past kind and faithful service to the whites, the 
 trembling old savage drew from beneath the folds of 
 his blankets; but failed in any degree to appease the 
 wrgrth of the men who confronted him. " Make an 
 example of him," they exclaimed ; *' the letter is a for- 
 gery, and he is a spy." 
 
 They might have put their threats into execution 
 had not the tall form of their captain^ his face swarthy 
 
18 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 Avith resolution and rage^ interposed itself between 
 them and their defenseless victim. 
 
 Lincoln's determined look and demand that it must 
 not be done were enough. They sullenly desisted, and 
 the Indian, unmolested, continued on his way. 
 
 KICKED OUT OF BED 
 
 Dr. C. S. Richardson, now a resident of Indian- 
 apolis, met Lincoln at Charleston when the doctor was 
 engaged in dentistry in the early 50's. 
 
 " Mr. Lincoln came to my boarding-house," writes 
 Dr. Richardson, " and our acquaintance soon became 
 close and friendly. Mr. Lincoln made Charleston his 
 headquarters during important court sessions. When 
 the city was very crowded Mr. Lincoln and I bunked 
 together to accommodate our landlady. 
 
 " On one such occasion * Abe ' partook too much of 
 extra strong corn beef and fricasseed honey cakes and 
 other rambunctious dainties with inclinations toward 
 nightmare. Suddenly he planted his No. lO's square 
 in the middle of my back and knocked me out of the 
 four-poster to the center of the dingy bedroom. 
 
 " Not to be outdone, I tiptoed downstairs, drew a 
 bucketful of water and dashed the water square in 
 the snoring countenance of Abraham Linclon. He 
 slammed the door in my face and left me to sleep on 
 the rug just outside the door." 
 
 WELL WORTH THE MONEY 
 
 During the early years of his career as a lawyer, 
 Abraham Lincoln traveled the old Eighth Circuit in 
 central lUiiaois. Lincoln and Judge David Davis were 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 19 
 
 fast friends from the beginning, and the judge always 
 showed a keen appreciation of Lincoln's stories. 
 
 " I was never fined but once for contempt of court/' 
 says a man who was a clerk of court in Lincoln's day. 
 " Davis fined me five dollars. Mr. Lincoln had just 
 come in, and leaning over my desk, had told me a story 
 so irresistibly funny that I broke out in a loud laugh. 
 The judge called me to order, saying, ' This must be 
 stopped. Mr. Lincoln, you are constantly disturbing 
 this court with your stories.' 
 
 " Then he said to me, * You may fine yourself five 
 dollars.' I apologized to the court, but told the judge 
 that the story was worth the money. In a few minutes 
 the judge called me to him. * What was that story 
 Lincoln told you ? ' he asked. I told him, and he 
 laughed aloud in spite of himself. * Remit your fine,' 
 he ordered." 
 
 A NOTED HORSE TRADE IN WHICH LIN- 
 COLN CONFESSED HE GOT THE WORST 
 OF IT 
 
 When Abraham Lincoln was a lawyer in Illinois, he 
 and a certain judge once got to bantering one another 
 about trading horses; and it was agreed that the next 
 morning at nine o'clock they should make a trade, the 
 horses to be unseen up to that hour, and no backing 
 out, under a forfeiture of $25. 
 
 At the hour appointed, the Judge came up, leading the 
 sorriest-looking specimen of a horse ever seen in those 
 parts. In a few minutes Mr. Lincoln was' seen ap- 
 proaching with a wooden saw-horse upon his shoulders. 
 Great were the shouts and laughter of the crowd, and 
 
20 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 both were greatly increased when Mr. Lincoln, on sur- 
 veying the Judge's animal, set down his saw-horse, and 
 exclaimed: " Well, Judge, this is the first time I ever 
 got the worst of it in a horse trade." 
 
 THE UGLIEST MAN 
 
 Mr. Lincoln enjoyed a joke at his own expense. 
 Said he: *' In the days when I used to be in the cir- 
 cuit, I was accosted in the cars by a stranger, who said, 
 
 * Excuse me, sir, but I have an article in my possession 
 which belongs to you.' * How is that ? ' I asked, con- 
 siderably astonished. 
 
 ** The stranger took a jacknife from his pocket. 
 
 * This knife,* said he, * was placed in my hands some 
 years ago, with the injunction that I was to keep it 
 until I had found a man uglier than myself. I have 
 carried it from that time to this. Allow me to say, 
 sir, that I think you are fairly entitled to the prop- 
 erty.' " 
 
 NO VICES — FEW VIRTUES 
 
 Riding at one time in the stage, with an old Ken- 
 tuckian who was returning from Missouri, Lincoln 
 excited the old gentleman's surprise by refusing to ac- 
 cept either of tobacco or French brandy. 
 
 When they separated that afternoon, the Kentuckian 
 to take another stage bound for Louisville, he shook 
 hands warmly with Lincoln, and said good-humoredly, 
 " See here, stranger, you're a clever but strange com- 
 panion. I may never see you again, and I don't want 
 to offend you, but I want to say this: My experience 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 21 
 
 has taught me that a man who has no vices has d d 
 
 few virtues. Good-day." 
 
 Lincoln enjoyed this reminiscence of his journey, 
 and took great pleasure in relating it. 
 
 LINCOLN'S PROPHECY 
 
 An old copy-book of Lincoln's has the following 
 written when he was fourteen years old: 
 
 "'Tis Abraham Lincoln holds the pen, 
 He will be good, but God knows when ! ** 
 
 " DONE WITH THE BIBLE " 
 
 Lincoln never told a better story than this : 
 
 A country meeting-house, that was used once a 
 month, was quite a distance from any other house. 
 
 The preacher, an old-line Baptist, was dressed in 
 coarse linen pantaloons, and shirt of the same ma- 
 terial. The pants, manufactured after the old fash- 
 ion, with baggy legs, and a flap in the front, were made 
 to attach to his frame without the aid of suspenders. 
 - A single button held his shirt in position, and that 
 was at the collar. He rose up in the pulpit, and with 
 a loud voice announced his text thus : " I am the 
 Christ whom I shall represent to-day." 
 
 About this time a little blue lizard ran up his roomy 
 pantaloons. The old preacher, not wishing to inter- 
 rupt the steady flow of his xsermon, slapped away on 
 his leg, expecting to arrest the intruder, but his ef- 
 forts were unavailing, and the little fellow kept on 
 ascending higher and higher. 
 
 Continuing the sermon, the preacher loosened the 
 
22 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 central button which graced the waistband of his panta- 
 loons, and with a kick off came that easy-fitting gar- 
 ment. 
 
 But, meanwhile, Mr. Lizard had passed the equa- 
 torial line of the waistband, and was calmly exploring 
 that part of the preacher's anatomy which lay under- 
 neath the back of his shirt. 
 
 Things were now growing interesting, but the ser- 
 mon was still grinding on. The next movement on the 
 preacher's part was for the collar button, and with one 
 sweep of his arm off came the tow linen shirt. 
 
 The congregation sat for an instant as if dazed; at 
 length one old lady in the rear part of the room rose up, 
 and, glancing at the excited object in the pulpit, 
 shouted at the top of her voice: '* If you represent 
 Christ, then I'm done with the Bible." 
 
 "ADAM'S ALE," LINCOLN'S ONLY BEV- 
 ERAGE 
 
 Immediately after Mr. Lincoln's nomination for 
 President at the Chicago Convention, a committee, of 
 which Governor Morgan, of New York, was Chairman, 
 visited him in Springfield, 111., where he was officially 
 informed of his nomination. 
 
 After this ceremony had passed, Mr. Lincoln re- 
 marked to the company that as an appropriate con- 
 clusion to an interview so important and interesting as 
 that which had just transpired, he supposed good man- 
 ners would require that he should treat the committee 
 with something to drink; and opening the door that 
 led into the rear, he called out, " Mary ! Mary ! " A 
 girl responded to the call, to whom Mr. Lincoln spoke 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 23 
 
 a few words in an undertone, and, closing the door, 
 returned again and conversed with his guests. In a 
 few minutes the maiden entered, bearing a large 
 waiter, containing several glass tumblers, and a large 
 pitcher in the midst, and placed it upon the center- 
 table. Mr. Lincoln arose, and gravely addressing the 
 company, said : " Gentlemen, we must pledge our mu- 
 tual health in the most healthy beverage that God has 
 given to man — it is the only beverage I have ever 
 used or allowed my family to use, and I cannot con- 
 scientiously depart from it on the present occasion. It 
 is pure Adam's ale from the spring; " and, taking the 
 tumbler, he touched it to his lips, and pledged them his 
 highest respects in a cup of cold water. Of course, 
 all his guests were constrained to admire his con- 
 sistency, and to join in his example. 
 
 COLONEL BAKER DEFENDED BY LIN- 
 COLN 
 
 On one occasion. Colonel Baker was speaking in a 
 courthouse, which had been a storehouse, and, on mak- 
 ing some remarks that were offensive to certain polit- 
 ical rowdies in the crowd, they cried: " Take him off 
 the stand ! " Immediate confusion ensued, and there 
 was an attempt to carry the demand into execution. 
 Directly over the speaker's head was an old scuttle, at 
 which it appeared Mr. Lincoln had been listening to 
 the speech. In an instant, Mr. Lincoln's feet came 
 through the scuttle, followed by his tall and sinewy 
 frame, and he was standing by Colonel Baker's side. 
 He raised his hand, and the assembly subsided into 
 silence. 
 
24 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 " Gentlemen," said Mr. Lincoln, " let us not dis- 
 grace the age and country in which we live. This is a 
 land where freedom of speech is guaranteed. Mr. 
 Baker has a right to speak, and ought to be permitted 
 to do so. I am here to protect him, and no man shall 
 take him from this stand if I can prevent it." 
 
 The suddenness of his appearance, his perfect calm- 
 ness and fairness, and the knowledge that he would do 
 what he had promised to do, quieted all disturbance, 
 and the speaker concluded his remarks without diffi- 
 culty. 
 
 LINCOLN DEFENDS THE SON OF AN OLD 
 FRIEND, INDICTED FOR MURDER 
 
 Jack Armstrong, the leader of the " Clary Grove 
 Boys," with whom Lincoln early in life had a scuffle 
 which " Jack " agreed to call " a drawn battle," in con- 
 sequence of his own foul play, afterward became a 
 life-long, warm friend of Mr. Lincoln. Later in life 
 the rising lawyer would stop at Jack's cabin home, and 
 here Mrs. Armstrong, a most womanly person, learned 
 to respect Mr. Lincoln. There was no service to 
 which she did not make her guest abundantly wel- 
 come, and he never ceased to feel the tenderest grati- 
 tude for her kindness. 
 
 At length her husband died, and she became depend- 
 ent upon her sons. The oldest of these, while in at- 
 tendance upon a camp meeting, found himself involved 
 in a melee, which resulted in the death of a young man, 
 and young Armstrong was charged by one of his as- 
 sociates with striking the fatal blow. He was ex- 
 amined, and imprisoned to await his trial. The public 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 25 
 
 mind was in a blaze of excitement, and interested 
 parties fed the flame. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln knew nothing of the merits of this case, 
 that is certain. He only knew that his old friend, 
 Mrs. Armstrong, was in sore trouble; and he sat down 
 at once, and volunteered by letter to defend her son. 
 His first act was to secure the postponement, and a 
 change of the place of trial. There was too much fever 
 in the minds of the immediate public to permit of fair 
 treatment. When the trial came on, the case looked 
 very hopeless to all but Mr. Lincoln, who had assured 
 himself that the young man was not guilty. The evi- 
 dence on behalf of the State being all in, and looking 
 like a solid and consistent mass of testimony against 
 the prisoner, Mr. Lincoln undertook the task of analyz- 
 ing it, and destroying it, which he did in a manner that 
 surprised every one. The principal witness testified 
 that "by the aid of the brightly shining moon he saw 
 the prisoner inflict the death blow with a slung shot.'* 
 Mr. Lincoln proved by the almanac that there was no 
 moon shining at that time. The mass of testimony 
 against the prisoner melted away, until ** not guilty '* 
 was the verdict of every man present in the crowded 
 court-room. 
 
 There is, of course, no record of the plea made on 
 this occasion, but it is remembered as one in which 
 Mr. Lincoln made an appeal to the sympathies of the 
 jury, which quite surpassed his usual efforts of the 
 kind, and melted all to tears. The jury were out but 
 half an hour, when they returned with their verdict of 
 " not ojuilty.'* The widow fainted in the arms of her 
 son, who divided his attention between his services to 
 her and his thanks to his deliverer. And thus the kind 
 
26 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 woman who cared for the poor young man^ and showed 
 herself a mother to him in his need, received the life 
 of a son, saved from a cruel conspiracy, as her reward, 
 from the hands of her grateful beneficiary. 
 
 A WRESTLING MATCH 
 
 There lived, at the time young Lincoln resided at 
 New Salem, 111., in and around the village, a band of 
 rollicking fellows, or, more properly, roistering row- 
 dies, known as the " Clary's Grove Boys." The special 
 tie that united them was physical courage and prowess. 
 These fellows, although they embraced in their number 
 many men who have since become respectable and in- 
 fluential, were wild and rough beyond toleration in any 
 community not made up like that which produced them. 
 They pretended to be " regulators,'* and were the 
 terror of all who did not acknowledge their rule; and 
 their mode of securing allegiance was by flogging every 
 man who failed to acknowledge it. 
 
 They took it upon themselves to try the mettle of 
 every new-comer, and to learn the sort of stuff he was 
 made of. 
 
 Some of their number was appointed to fight, wrestle, 
 or run a foot-race with each incoming stranger. Of 
 course, Abraham Lincoln was obliged to pass the or- 
 deal. 
 
 Perceiving that he was a man who would not easily 
 be floored, they selected their champion. Jack Arm- 
 strong, and imposed upon him the task of laying Lin- 
 coln upon his back. 
 
 There is no evidence that Lincoln was an unwilling 
 party to the sport, for it was what he had always been 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 27 
 
 accustomed to. The bout was entered upon, but Arm- 
 strong soon discovered that he had met more than his 
 match. 
 
 The boys were looking on, and seeing that their 
 champion was likely to get the worst of it, did after 
 the manner of such irresponsible bands. They gath- 
 ered around Lincoln, struck and disabled him, and then 
 Armstrong, by " legging " him, got him down. 
 
 Most men would have been indignant, not to say 
 furiously angry, under such foul treatment as this; but 
 if Lincoln was either, he did not show it. Getting up 
 in perfect good humor, he fell to laughing over his dis- 
 comfiture, and joking about it. They had all calcu- 
 lated on making him angry, and they intended, with 
 the amiable spirit which characterized the '* Clary's 
 Grove Boys," to give him a terrible drubbing. They 
 were disappointed, and, in their admiration of him, im- 
 mediately invited him to become one of the company. 
 
 LINCOLN APPLIES FOR A PATENT 
 
 That he had enough mechanical genius to make him 
 a good mechanic there is no doubt. With such rude 
 tools as were at his command he had made cabins and 
 flatboats; and after his mind had become absorbed in 
 public and professional affairs, he often recurred to 
 his mechanical dreams for amusement. One of his 
 dreams took form, and he endeavored to make a prac- 
 tical matter of it. He had had experience in the early 
 navigation of the Western rivers. One of the most 
 serious hindrances to this navigation was low water, 
 and the lodgment of the various craft on the shifting 
 shoals and bars with which these rivers abound. He 
 
28 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 undertook to contrive an apparatus which, folded to the 
 hull of the boat like a bellows, might be inflated on oc- 
 casions, and, by its levity, lifted over any obstruction 
 upon which it might rest. On this contrivance, illus- 
 trated by a model whittled out by himself, and now 
 preserved in the Patent Office in Washington, he se- 
 cured letters patent; but it is certain that the navigation 
 of the Western rivers was not revolutionized by it. 
 
 " HONEST ABE " AS A COUNTRY STORE- 
 KEEPER 
 
 Lincoln could not rest for an instant under the con- 
 sciousness that he had, even unwittingly, defrauded 
 anybody. On one occasion, while clerking in Off*utt's 
 store, at New Salem, 111., he sold a woman a little bale 
 of goods, amounting in value by the reckoning to two 
 dollars and twenty cents. He received the money, and 
 the woman went away. On adding the items of the 
 bill again to make himself sure of correctness, he 
 found that he had taken six and a quarter cents too 
 much. It was night, and, closing and locking the 
 store, he started out on foot, a distance of two or three 
 miles, for the house of his defrauded customer, and, 
 delivering over to her the sum whose possession had 
 so much troubled him, went home satisfied. 
 
 On another occasion, just as he was closing the store 
 for the night, a woman entered, and asked for a half 
 pound of tea. The tea was weighed out and paid for, 
 and the store was left for the night. The next morn- 
 ing Lincoln entered to begin the duties of the day, 
 when he discovered a four-ounce weight on the scales. 
 He saw at once that he had made a mistake, and, 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 29 
 
 shutting the store, he took a long walk before break- 
 fast to deliver the remainder of the tea. These are 
 very humble incidents, but they illustrate the man's 
 perfect conscientiousness — his sensitive honesty — 
 better, perhaps, than they would if they were of greater 
 moment. 
 
 HOW LINCOLN EARNED HIS FIRST DOL- 
 LAR 
 
 The following interesting story was told by Mr. Lin- 
 coln to Mr. Seward and a few friends one evening in 
 the Executive Mansion at Washington. The Presi- 
 dent said : " Seward, you never heard, did you, how I 
 earned my first dollar.^ " 
 
 ** No," rejoined Mr. Seward. 
 
 " Well," continued Mr. Lincoln, " I belonged, you 
 know, to what they called down South the * scrubs.* 
 We had succeeded in raising, chiefly by my labor, 
 sufficient produce, as I thought, to justify me in tak- 
 ing it down the river to sell. 
 
 ** After much persuasion, I got the consent of mother 
 to go, and constructed a little flatboat, large enough to 
 take a barrel or two of things that we had gathered, 
 with myself and little bundle, down to the Southern 
 market. A steamer was coming down the river. We 
 have, you know, no wharves on the Western streams; 
 and the custom was, if passengers were at any of the 
 landings, for them to go out in a boat, the steamer 
 stopping and taking them on board. 
 
 ** I was contemplating my new flatboat, and wonder- 
 ing whether I could make it stronger or improve it in 
 any particular, when two men came down to the shore 
 
so WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 in carriages with trunks, and looking at the different 
 boats singled out mine, and asked, * Who owns this ? * 
 I answered, somewhat modestly, * I do/ * Will you,* 
 said one of them, * take us and our trunks out to the 
 steamer?* * Certainly,' said I. I was very glad to 
 have the chance of earning something. I supposed that 
 each of them would give me one or two or three bits. 
 The trunks were put on my flatboat, the passengers 
 seated themselves on the trunks, and I sculled them out 
 to the steamboat. 
 
 " They got on board, and I lifted up their heavy 
 trunks, and put them on deck. The steam-er was 
 about to put on steam again, when I called out that 
 they had forgotten to pay me. Each of them took 
 from his pocket a silver half-dollar, and threw it on the 
 floor of my boat. I could scarcely believe my eyes 
 when I picked up the money. Gentlemen, you may 
 think it was a very little thing, and in these days 
 it seems to me a trifle ; but it was a most important inci- 
 dent in my life. I could scarcely credit, that I, a poor 
 boy, had earned a dollar. The world seemed wider 
 and fairer before me. I was a more hopeful and con- 
 fident being from that time.'* 
 
 LINCOLN THE TALLEST OF THE " LONG 
 
 NINE " 
 
 The Sangamon County delegation to the Illinois 
 Legislature, in 1834, of which Lincoln was a member, 
 consisting of nine representatives, was so remarkable 
 for the physical altitude of its members that they were 
 known as " The Long Nine." Not a member of the 
 number was less than six feet high, and Lincoln was 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN SI 
 
 the tallest of the nine, as he was the leading man in- 
 tellectually in and out of the House. 
 
 Among those who composed the House were Gen. 
 John A. McClernand, afterward a member of Con- 
 gress: Jesse K. DeBois, afterwards Auditor of the 
 State; James Semple, afterwards twice the Speaker 
 of the House of Representatives, and subsequently 
 United States Senator; Robert Smith, afterwards mem- 
 ber of Congress; John Hogan, afterwards a member of 
 Congress from St. Louis; Gen. James Shields, after- 
 wards United States Senator (who died recently) ; 
 John Dement, who has since been Treasurer of the 
 State; Stephen A. Douglas, whose subsequent career is 
 familiar to all; Newton Cloud, President of the Con- 
 vention which framed the present State Constitution 
 of Illinois; John J. Hardin, who fell at Buena Vista; 
 John Moore, afterward Lieutenant-Governor of the 
 State; William A. Richardson, subsequently United 
 States Senator, and William McMurtry, who has since 
 been Lieutenant-Governor of the State. 
 
 This list does not embrace all who had then, or who 
 have since been distinguished, but it is large enough to 
 show that Lincoln was, during the term of this Legis- 
 lature, thrown into association and often into antag- 
 onism, with the brightest men of the new State. 
 
 HARK FROM THE TOMBS 
 
 " Fellow-citizens: My friend, Mr. Douglas, made 
 the startling announcement to-day that the Whigs are 
 all dead. 
 
 *' If that be so, fellow citizens, you will now experi- 
 ence the novelty of hearing a speech from a dead man; 
 
32 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 and I suppose you might properly say, in the language 
 of the old hymn : 
 
 ** * Hark I from the tombs a doleful sound/ " 
 
 TRUSTED TILL THE " BRITCHEN ** 
 BROKE 
 
 In the campaign of 1852, Lincoln, in reply to Doug- 
 las' speech, wherein he speaks of confidence in Provi- 
 dence, replied: ** Let us stand by our candidate (Gen- 
 eral Scott) as faithfully as he has always stood by our 
 country, and I much doubt if we do not perceive a 
 slight abatement of Judge Douglas's confidence in 
 Providence as well as the people. I suspect that con- 
 fidence is not more firmly fixed with the Judge than it 
 was with the old woman whose horse ran away with 
 her in a buggy. She said she * trusted in Providence 
 till the britchen broke,' and then she * didn't know what 
 in airth to do.* 
 
 " The chance is, the Judge will see the britchen 
 broke, and then he can, at his leisure, bewail the fate 
 of Locofocism as the victim of misplaced confidence." 
 
 HE'D SEE IT AGAIN 
 
 About two years before Lincoln was nominated for 
 the Presidency he went to Bloomington, Illinois, to try 
 a case of some importance. His opponent — who 
 afterward reached a high place in his profession — was 
 a young man of ability, sensible but sensitive, and one 
 to whom the loss of a case was a great blow. He there- 
 fore studied hard and made much preparation. 
 
 This particular case was submitted to the jury late 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 83 
 
 at night, and, although anticipating a favorable verdict, 
 the young attorney spent a sleepless night in anxiety. 
 Early next morning he learned, to his great chagrin, 
 that he had lost the case. 
 
 Lincoln met him at the court-house some time after 
 the jury had come in, and asked him what had be- 
 come of his case. 
 
 With lugubrious countenance and in a melancholy 
 tone the young man replied, *' It*s gone to hell." 
 
 ** Oh, well,'* replied Lincoln, ** then you will see it 
 again." 
 
 BOAT HAD TO STOP 
 
 Lincoln never failed to take part in all political 
 campaigns in Illinois, as his reputation as a speaker 
 caused his services to be in great demand. As was nat- 
 ural, he was often thie target at which many of the 
 " Smart Alecks " of that period shot their feeble bolts, 
 but Lincoln was so ready with his answers that few of 
 them cared to engage him a second time. 
 
 In one campaign Lincoln was frequently annoyed by 
 a young man who entertained the idea that he was a 
 born orator. He had a loud voice, was full of lan- 
 guage, and so conceited that he could not understand 
 why the people did not recognize and appreciate his 
 abilities. 
 
 This callow politician delighted in interrupting pub- 
 lic speakers, and at last Lincoln determined to squelch 
 him. One night while addressing a large meeting at 
 Springfield, the fellow became so offensive that " Abe " 
 dropped the threads of his speech and turned his at- 
 tention to the tormentor. 
 
34i WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 "I don't object/* said Lincoln, " to being inter- 
 rupted with sensible questions, but I must say that my 
 boisterous friend does not always make inquiries which 
 properly come under that head. He says he is afflicted 
 with headaches, at which I don't wonder, as it is a 
 well-known fact that nature abhors a vacuum, and takes 
 her own way of demonstrating it. 
 
 " This noisy friend reminds me of a certain steam- 
 boat that used to run on the Illinois river. It was an 
 energetic boat, was always busy. When they built it, 
 however, they made one serious mistake, this error be- 
 ing in the relative sizes of the boiler and the whistle. 
 The latter was usually busy, too, and people were 
 aware that it was in existence. 
 
 ** This particular boiler to which I have reference 
 was a six-foot one, and did all that was required of it 
 in the way of pushing the boat along; but as the build- 
 ers of the vessel had made the whistle a six-foot one, 
 the consequence was that every time the whistle blew 
 the boat had to stop." 
 
 LINCOLN'S NAME FOR " WEEPING 
 WATER " 
 
 " I WAS speaking one time to Mr. Lincoln," said 
 Governor Saunders, of Nebraska, " of a little Ne- 
 braskan settlement on the Weeping WatQr, a stream in 
 our State." 
 
 *' * Weeping Water ! ' said he. 
 
 ** Then with a twinkle in his eye, he continued. 
 
 ** * I suppose the Indians out there call it Minneboo- 
 hoo, don't they? They ought to, if Laughing Water 
 is Minnehaha in their language.' " 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 35 
 
 HE " SKEWED " THE LINE 
 
 When a surveyor, Mr. Lincoln first platted the town 
 of Petersburg, 111. Some twenty or thirty years after- 
 ward the property-owners along one of the outlying 
 streets had trouble in fixing their boundaries. They 
 consulted the official plat and got no relief. A commit- 
 tee was sent to Springfield to consult the distinguished 
 surveyor, but he failed to recall anything that would 
 give them aid, and could only refer them to the record. 
 The dispute therefore went irito the courts. While the 
 trial was pending, an old Irishman named McGuire, 
 who had worked for some farmer during the summer, 
 returned to town for the winter. The case being men- 
 tioned in his presence, he promptly said : ** I can tell 
 you all about it. I helped carry the chain when Abe 
 Lincoln laid out this town. Over there where they are 
 quarreling about the lines, when he was locating the 
 street, he straightened up from his instrument and said : 
 * If I run that street right through, it will cut three or 
 
 four feet off the end of 's house. It's all he*s got 
 
 in the world and he never could get another. I reckon 
 it won't hurt anything out here if I skew the line a 
 little and miss him.' " 
 
 The line was " skewed," and hence the trouble, and 
 more testimony furnished as to Lincoln's abounding 
 kindness of heart. 
 
 DIGNIFYING THE STATUTE 
 
 Lincoln was married — he balked at the first date 
 
 set for the ceremony and did not show up at all — 
 
 November 4, 1842, under most happy auspices. The 
 
 officiating clergyman, the Rev. Mr. Dresser, used the 
 
se WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 Episcopal church service for marriage. Lincoln placed 
 the ring upon the bride's finger, and said, ** With this 
 ring I now thee wed, and with all my wordly goods I 
 thee endow." 
 
 Judge Thomas C. Browne, who was present, ex- 
 claimed, " Good gracious, Lincoln ! the statute fixes all 
 that!'' 
 
 ** Oh, well," drawled Lincoln, "I just thought I'd 
 add a little dignity to the statute." 
 
 « GET THERE, ELI " 
 
 Lincoln could be arbitrary when occasion required. 
 This is the letter he wrote to one of the Department 
 heads : 
 
 " You must make a job of it, and provide a place for 
 the bearer of this, Elias Wampole. Make a job of it 
 with the collector and have it done. You can do it for 
 me, and you must." 
 
 There was no delay in taking action in this matter. 
 Mr. Wampole, or " Eli/* as he was thereafter known, 
 *' got there." 
 
 " WEBSTER COULDN'T HAVE DONE 
 MORE " 
 
 Lincoln ** got even " with the Illinois Central Rail- 
 road Company, in 1855, in a most substantial way, and 
 at the same time secured sweet revenge for an insult, un- 
 warranted in every way, put upon him by one of the 
 officials of that corporation. 
 
 Lincoln and Herndon defended the Illinois Central 
 Railroad in an action brought by McLean County, lUi- 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN S7 
 
 nois^ in August, 1853, to recover taxes alleged to be 
 due the county from the road. The Legislature had 
 granted the road immunity from taxation, and this was 
 a case intended to test the constitutionality of the law. 
 The road sent a retainer fee of $250. 
 
 In the lower court the case was decided in favor of 
 the railroad. An appeal to the Supreme Court fol- 
 lowed, was argued twice, and finally decided in favor 
 of the road. This last decision was rendered some time 
 in 1855. Lincoln then went to Chicago and presented 
 the bill for legal services. Lincoln and Herndon only 
 asked for $2,000 more. 
 
 The official to whom he was referred, after looking 
 at the bill, expressed great surprise. 
 
 " Why, sir," he exclaimed, " this is as much as Dan- 
 iel Webster himself would have charged. We cannot 
 allow such a claim.*' 
 
 " Why not.^ " asked Lincoln. 
 
 ** We could have hired first-class lawyers at that 
 figure," was the response. 
 
 " We won the case, didn't we ? " queried Lincoln. 
 
 " Certainly," replied the official. 
 
 ** Daniel Webster, then," retorted Lincoln in no ami- 
 able tone, " couldn't have done more," and ** Abe " 
 walked out of the official's office. 
 
 Lincoln withdrew the bill, and started for home. 
 On the way he stopped at Bloomington, where he met 
 Grant Goodrich, Archibald Williams, Norman B. Judd, 
 O. H. Browning, and other attorneys, who, on learning 
 of his modest charge for the valuable services rendered 
 the railroad, induced him to increase the demand to 
 $5,000, and to bring suit for that sum. 
 
 This was done at once. On the trial six lawyers 
 
38 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 certified that the bill was reasonable^ and judgment for 
 that sum went by default; the judgment was promptly 
 paid^ and, of course, his partner, Herndon, got " your 
 half, Billy," without delay. 
 
 " ABE " RECITES A SONG 
 
 Lincoln couldn't sing, and he also lacked the faculty 
 of musical adaptation. He had a liking for certain 
 ballads and songs, and while he memorized and recited 
 their lines, someone else did the singing. Lincolm 
 often recited for the delectation of his friends, the fol- 
 lowing, the authorship of which is unknown: 
 
 The first factional fight in old Ireland, they say, 
 "Was all on account of St. Patrick's birthday; 
 It was somewhere about midnight without any doubt, 
 And certain it is, it made a great rout. 
 
 On the eighth day of March, as some people say, 
 St. Patrick at midnight he first saw the day; 
 While others assert 'twas the ninth he was born — 
 Twas all a mistake — between midnight and morn. 
 
 Some blamed the baby, some blamed the clock; 
 Some blamed the doctor, some the crowing cock. 
 With all these close questions sure no one could know. 
 Whether the babe was too fast or the clock was too slow. 
 
 Some fought for the eighth, for the ninth some would die; 
 He who wouldn't see right would have a black eye. 
 At length these two factions so positive grew. 
 They each had a birthday, and Pat he had two. 
 
 Till Father Mulcahay who showed them their sins. 
 He said none could have two birthdays but as twins. 
 "Now, boys, don't be fighting for the eight or the nine; 
 Don't quarrel so always, now why not combine." 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 89 
 
 Combine eight with nine. It is the mark; 
 
 Let that be the birthday. Amen ! said the clerk. 
 
 So all got blind drunk, which completed their bliss, 
 
 And they've kept up the practice from that day to this. 
 
 LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT 
 
 Lincoln was, naturally enough, much surprised one 
 day, when a man of rather forbidding countenance drew 
 a revolver and thrust the weapon almost into his face. 
 In such circumstances " Abe " at once concluded that 
 any attempt at debate or argument was a waste of time 
 and words. 
 
 "What seems to be the matter.'*" inquired Lincoln 
 with all the calmness and self-possession he could 
 muster. 
 
 ** Well," replied the stranger, who did not appear at 
 all excited, " some years ago I swore an oath that if 
 I ever came across an uglier man than myself I'd shoot 
 him on the spot." 
 
 A feeling of relief evidently took possession of Lin- 
 coln at this rejoinder, as the expression upon his 
 countenance lost all suggestion of anxiety. 
 
 " Shoot me," he said to the stranger; " for if I am an 
 uglier man than you I don't want to live." 
 
 STRETCHED THE TRUTH 
 
 George B. Lincoln, a prominent merchant of 
 Brooklyn, was traveling through the West in 1855-56, 
 and found himself one night in a town on the Illinois 
 River, by the name of Naples. The only tavern of the 
 place had evidently been constructed with reference to 
 business on a small scale. Poor as the prospect seemed. 
 
40 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 Mr. Lincoln had no alternative but to put up at the 
 place. 
 
 The supper-room was also used as a lodging-room. 
 Mr. Lincoln told his host that he thought he would " go 
 •to bed." 
 
 " Bed ! '* echoed the landlord. " There is no bed for 
 you in this house unless you sleep with that man yon- 
 der. He has the only one we have to spare." 
 
 " Well/' returned Mr. Lincoln, " the gentleman has 
 possession, and perhaps would not like a bed-fellow." 
 
 Upon this a grizzly head appeared out of the pil- 
 lows, and said: 
 
 " What is your name ? " 
 
 *' They call me Lincoln at home," was the reply. 
 
 " Lincoln ! " repeated the stranger ; " any connection 
 of our Illinois Abraham? " 
 
 ** No," replied Mr. Lincoln. " I fear not." 
 
 " Well," said the old gentleman, " I will let any man 
 by the name of * Lincoln ' sleep with me, just for the 
 sake of the name. You have heard of Abe ^ " he in- 
 quired. 
 
 - " Oh, yes, very often," replied Mr. Lincoln. " No 
 man could travel far in this State without hearing of 
 him, and I would be very glad to claim connection if I 
 could do so honestly." 
 
 *' Well," said the old gentleman, " my name is Sim- 
 mons. * Abe ' and I used to live and work together 
 when young men. Many a job of wood-cutting and 
 rail-splitting have I done up with him. Abe Lincoln 
 was.the likeliest boy in God's world. He would work 
 all day as hard as any of us — and study by firelight 
 in the log-house half the night ; and in this way he made 
 himself a thorough, practical surveyor. Once, during 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 41 
 
 those days, I was in the upper part of the State, snd I 
 met General Ewing, whom President Jackson had sent 
 to the Northwest to make surveys. I told him about 
 Abe Lincoln, what a student he was, and that I wanted 
 he should give him a job. He looked over his memo- 
 randum, and, holding out a paper, said: 
 
 "'There is County must be surveyed; if your 
 
 friend can do the work properly, I shall be glad to have 
 him undertake it — the compensation will be six hun- 
 dred dollars.' 
 
 " Pleased as I could be, I hastened to Abe, after 
 I got home, with an account of what I had secured for 
 him. He was sitting before the fire in the log-cabin 
 when I told him; and what do you think was his an- 
 swer? When I finished, he looked up very quietly, 
 and said: 
 
 " * Mr. Simmons, I thank you very sincerely for your 
 kindness, but I don't think I will undertake the job.* 
 
 ** * In the name of wonder,' said I, * why ? Six hun- 
 dred does not grow upon every bush out here in Illi- 
 nois.' 
 
 " * I know that,' said Abe, * and I need the money 
 bad enough, Simmons, as you know; but I have never 
 been under obligation to a Democratic Administration, 
 and I never intend to be so long as I can get my living 
 another way. General Ewing must find another man to 
 do his work.' " 
 
 Mr. Carpenter related this story to the President one 
 day, and asked him if it were true. 
 
 "Pollard Simmons!" said Lincoln. "Well do I 
 remember him. It is correct about our working to- 
 gether, but the old man must have stretched the facts 
 somewhat about the survey of the County. I think I 
 
42 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 should have been very glad of the job at the time, no 
 matter what Administration was in power.'* 
 
 ABE IN THE PULLMAN 
 
 George M. Pullman, the great sleeping car builder, 
 once told a joke in which Lincoln was the prominent 
 figure. In fact, there wouldn't have been any joke had 
 it not been for " Long Abe." At the time of the oc- 
 currence, which. was the foundation for the joke — and 
 Pullman admitted that the latter was on him — Pull- 
 man was the conductor of his only sleeping-car. The 
 latter was an experiment, and Pullman was doing every° 
 thing possible to get the railroads to take hold of it. 
 
 ** One night," said Pullman in telling the story, " as 
 we were about going out of Chicago — this was long 
 before Lincoln was what you might call a renowned 
 man — a long, lean, ugly man, with a wart on his 
 cheek, came into the depot. He paid me fifty cents, 
 •and half a berth was assigned him. Then he took off 
 his coat and vest and hung them up, and they fitted the 
 peg about as well as they fitted him. Then he kicked 
 off his boots, which were of surprising length, turned 
 into the berth, and, undoubtedly having an easy con- 
 science, was sleeping like a healthy baby before the car 
 left the depot. 
 
 " Pretty soon along came another passenger and paid 
 his fifty cents. In two minutes he was back at me, 
 angry as a wet hen. 
 
 " ' There's a man in that berth of mine,' said he, 
 hotly, * and he's about ten feet high. How am I going 
 to sleep there, I'd like to know? Go and look at him.* 
 
 " In I went — mad, too. The tall, lank man's knees 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN ^ 43 
 
 were under his chin, his arms were stretched across the 
 bed and his feet were stored comfortably — for him. 
 I shook him until he awoke, and then told him if he 
 wanted the whole berth he would have to pay $1. 
 
 " * My dear sir/ said the tall man, * a contract is a 
 contract. I have paid you fifty cents for half this 
 berth, and, as you see, I'm occupying it. There's 
 the other half,' pointing to a strip about six inches wide. 
 * Sell that and don't disturb me again.' 
 
 " And so saying, the man with a wart on his face 
 went to sleep again. He was Abraham Lincoln, and 
 he never grew any shorter afterward. We became 
 great friends, and often laughed over the incident." 
 
 TOOK PART OF THE BLAME 
 
 Among the lawyers who traveled the circuit with 
 Lincoln was Usher F. Linder, whose daughter. Rose 
 Linder Wilkinson, has left many Lincoln reminiscences. 
 
 ** One case in which Mr. Lincoln was interested 
 concerned a member of my own family," said Mrs. 
 Wilkinson. " My brother, Dan, in the heat of a quar- 
 rel, shot a young man named Ben Boyle and was ar- 
 rested. My father was seriously ill with inflamma- 
 tory rheumatism at the time, and could scarcely move 
 hand or foot. He certainly could not defend Dan. I 
 was his secretary, and I remember it was but a day or 
 so after the shooting till letters of sympathy began to 
 pour in. In the first bundle which I picked up there 
 was a big letter, the handwriting on which I recognized 
 as that of Mr. Lincoln. The letter was very sympa- 
 thetic. 
 
 " * I know how you feel, Linder,' it said. * I can 
 
44 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 understand your anger as a father, added to all the 
 other sentiments. But may we not be in a measure to 
 blame ? We have talked about the defense of criminals 
 before our children; about our success in defending 
 them; have left the impression that the greater the 
 crime, the greater the triumph of securing an acquittal. 
 Dan knows your success as a criminal lawyer, and he 
 depends on you, little knowing that of all cases you 
 would be of least value in this.' 
 
 " He concluded by offering his services, an offer 
 which touched my father to tears. 
 
 ** Mr. Lincoln tried to have Dan released on bail, but 
 Be«n Boyle's family and friends declared the wounded 
 man would die, and feeling had grown so bitter that the 
 judge would not grant any bail. So the case was 
 changed to Marshall county, but as Ben finally re- 
 covered it was dismissed." 
 
 NO HALF-WAY BUSINESS 
 
 Soon after Mr. Lincoln began to practice law at 
 Springfield, he was engaged in a criminal case in which 
 it was thought there was little chance of success. 
 Throwing all his powers into it, he came off victorious, 
 and promptly received for his services five hundred 
 dollars. A legal friend, calling upon him the next 
 morning, found him sitting before a table, upon which 
 his money was spread out, counting it over and over. 
 
 " Look here. Judge," said he. " See what a heap of 
 money I've got from this case. Did you ever see any- 
 thing like it ? Why, I never had sx) much money in my 
 life before, put it all together." Then, crossing his 
 arms upon the table, his manner sobering down, he 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 45 
 
 added: ** I have got just five hundred dollars; if it 
 were only seven hundred and fifty, I would go directly 
 and purchase a quarter section of land, and settle it 
 upon my old step-mother." 
 
 His friend said that if the deficiency was all he 
 needed, he would loan him the amount, taking his note, 
 to which Mr. Lincoln instantly acceded. 
 
 His friend then said: 
 
 "Lincoln, I would do just what you have indicated. 
 Your step-mother is getting old, and will not probably 
 live many years. I would settle the property upon her 
 for her use during her lifetime, to revert to you upon 
 her death." 
 
 With much feeling, Mr. Lincoln replied : 
 
 ** I shall do no such thing. It is a poor return at 
 best for all the good woman's devotion and fidelity to 
 me, and there is not going to be any halfway business 
 about it." And so saying, he gathered up his money 
 and proceeded forthwith to carry his long-cherished 
 purpose into execution. 
 
 " FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES '' 
 
 " Several of us lawyers," remarked one of his col- 
 leagues, " in the eastern end of the circuit, annoyed 
 Lincoln once while he was holding court for Davis by 
 attempting to defend against a note to which there 
 were many makers. We had no legal, but a good moral 
 defense, but what we wanted most of all was to stave it 
 off till the next term of court by one expedient or an- 
 other. 
 
 " We bothered * the court * about it till late on Sat- 
 urday, the day of adjournment. He adjourned for sup- 
 
46 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 per with nothing left but this case to dispose of. After 
 supper he heard our twaddle for nearly an hour, and 
 then made this odd entry. 
 
 "'L. D. Chaddon vs. J, D. Beasley et al. April 
 Term, 1856 Champaign County Court. Plea in 
 abatement by B. Z. Green, a defendant not served, 
 filed Saturday at 11 o'clock a. m., April 24, 1856, 
 stricken from the files by order of court. Demurrer to 
 declaration, if there ever was one, overruled. Defend- 
 ants who are served now, at 8 o'clock p. m., of the last 
 day of the term, ask to plead to the merits, which is de- 
 nied by the court on the ground that the offer comes 
 too late, and therefore, as by nil dicet, judgment is 
 rendered for Pl'iF. Clerk assess damages. A. Lin- 
 coln, Judge pro tem.' 
 
 " The lawyer who reads his singular entry will ap- 
 preciate its oddity if no one else does. After making 
 it, one of the lawyers, on recovering from his astonish- 
 ment, ventured to enquire : * Well, Lincoln, how can 
 we get this case up again ? ' 
 
 " Lincoln eyed him quizzically for a moment, and 
 then answered, * You have all been so mighty smart 
 about this case, you find out how to take it up again 
 yourselves.' " 
 
 DISCOURAGED LITIGATION 
 
 Lincoln believed in preventing unnecessary litiga- 
 tion, and carried out this in his practice. ** Who was 
 your guardian ? " he asked a young man who came to 
 him to complain that a part of the property left him 
 had been withheld. ** Enoch Kingsbury," replied the 
 young man. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 47 
 
 ** I know Mr. Kingsbury/' said Lincoln, " and he is 
 not the man to have cheated you out of a cent, and I 
 can't take the case, and advise you to drop the subject." 
 
 And it was dropped. 
 
 HIS FINANCIAL STANDING . 
 
 A New York firm applied to Abraham Lincoln, some 
 years before he became President, for information as to 
 the financial standing of one of his neighbors. Mr. 
 Lincoln replied: 
 
 ** I am well acquainted with Mr. , and know his 
 
 circumstances. First of all, he has a wife and baby; 
 together they ought to be worth $50,000 to any man. 
 Secondly, he has an office in which there is a table 
 worth $L50 and three chairs worth, say $1. Last of 
 all, there is in one corner a large rat hole, which will 
 bear looking into. Respectfully, A. Lincoln." 
 
 THE DANDY AND THE BOYS 
 
 President Lincoln appointed as consul to a South 
 American country a young man from Ohio who was 
 a dandy. A wag met the new appointee on his way 
 to the White House to thank the President. He was 
 dressed in the most extravagant style. The wag hor- 
 rified him by telling him that the country to which he 
 was assigned was noted chiefly for the bugs that 
 abounded there and made life unbearable. 
 
 " They'll bore a hole clean through you before a 
 week has passed," was the comforting assurance of 
 the wag as they parted at the White House steps. 
 The new consul approached Lincoln with disappoint- 
 
48 Wit AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ment clearly written all over his face. Instead of 
 joyously thanking the President, he told him the wag*s 
 story of the bugs. " I am informed, Mr. President/* 
 he said, " that the place is full of vermin and that 
 they could eat me up in a week's time.'* " Well, 
 young man," replied Lincoln, " if that's true, all I've 
 got to say is that if such a thing happened they would 
 leave a mighty good suit of clothes behind.** 
 
 LINCOLN AS A DANCER 
 
 Lincoln made his first appearance in society when 
 he was first sent to Springfield, 111., as a member of 
 the State Legislature. It was not an imposing figure 
 which he cut in a ballroom, but still he was occasion- 
 ally to be found there. Miss Mary Todd, who after- 
 ward became his wife, was the magnet which drew 
 the tall, awkward young man from his den. One even- 
 ing Lincoln approached Miss Todd, and said, in his 
 peculiar idiom: 
 
 " Miss Todd, I should like to dance with you the 
 worst way." 
 
 After they danced, one of her companions asked mis- 
 chievousljT^ : 
 
 " Well, Mary, did he dance with you the worst 
 
 way? 
 
 Yes," she answered, " the very worst.' 
 
 "RATHER STARVE THAN SWINDLE" 
 
 Ward Lamon, once Lincoln's law partner, relates 
 a story which places Lincoln's high sense of honor 
 in a prominent light. In a certain case, Lincoln and 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 49 
 
 Lamon being retained by a gentleman named Scott, 
 Lamon put the fee at $250, and Scott agreed to pay 
 it. Says Lamon: 
 
 " Scott expected a contest, but, to his surprise, the 
 case was tried inside of twenty minutes; our success 
 was complete. Scott was satisfied, and cheerfully paid 
 over the money to me inside the bar, Lincoln looking 
 on. Scott then went out, and Lincoln asked, * What 
 did you charge that man } * 
 
 "I told him $250. Said he: * Lamon, that is all 
 wrong. The service was not worth that sum. Give 
 him back at least half of it.' 
 
 ** I protested that the fee was fixed in advance ; 
 that Scott was perfectly satisfied, and had so expressed 
 himself. * That may be,' retorted Lincoln, with a look 
 of distress and of undisguised displeasure, * but I am 
 not satisfied. This is positively wrong. Go, call him 
 back and return half the money at least, or I will not 
 receive one cent of it for my share.' 
 
 ** I did go, and Scott was astonished when I handed 
 back half the fee, 
 
 ** This conversation had attracted the attention of 
 the lawyers and the court. Judge David Davis, then 
 on our circuit bench (afterwards Associate Justice on 
 the United States Supreme bench), called Lincoln to 
 him. The judge never could whisper, but in this in- 
 stance he probably did his best. At all events, in at- 
 tempting to whisper to Lincoln he trumpeted his re- 
 buke in about these words, and in rasping tones that 
 could be heard all over the court-room: 'Lincoln, I 
 have been watching you and Lamon. You are im- 
 poverishing this bar by your picayune charges of fees, 
 and the lawyers have reason to complain of you. 
 
50 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 You are now almost as poor as Lazarus, and if you 
 don't make people pay you more for your services you 
 will die as poor as Job's turkey ! ' 
 
 " Judge O. L. Davis, the leading lawyer in that part 
 of the State, promptly applauded this malediction from 
 the bench; but Lincoln was immovable. 
 
 ** * That money/ said he, * comes out of the pocket 
 of a poor, demented girl, and I would rather starve than 
 swindle her in this manner/ " 
 
 " WUZ GOIN' TER BE * HITCHED ' " 
 
 " Abe's " nephew — or one of them — related a 
 story in connection with Lincoln's first love (Anne 
 Rutledge), and his subsequent marriage to Miss 
 Mary Todd. This nephew was a plain, every-day 
 farmer, and thought everything of his uncle, whose 
 greatness he quite thoroughly appreciated, although 
 he did not pose to any extreme as the relative of a 
 President of the United States. 
 
 Said he one day, in telling his story: 
 
 " Us child'en, w'en we heerd Uncle * Abe ' wuz 
 a-goin' to be married, axed Gran'ma ef Uncle * Abe ■ 
 never hed bed a gal afore, an* she says, sez she, * Well, 
 *' Abe " wuz never a han' nohow to run 'round visitin' 
 much, or go with the gals, neither, but he did fall in 
 love with a Anne Rutledge, who lived out near Spring- 
 field, an' after she died he'd come home an' ev'ry time 
 he'd talk 'bout her, he cried dreadful. He never could 
 talk of her nohow 'thout he'd jes* cry an* cry, like a 
 young feller.* 
 
 *' Onct he tol' Gran'ma they wuz goin' ter be 
 hitched, they havin* promised each other, an* thet is 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 51 
 
 all we ever heered 'bout it. But, so it wuz, that arter 
 Uncle * Abe * bed got over his mournin', he wuz mar- 
 ried ter a woman w'ich hed lived down in Kentuck. 
 
 " Uncle * Abe ' hisself tol' us he wuz married the 
 nex' time he come up ter our place, an' w'en we ast 
 him why he didn't bring his wife up to see us, he said: 
 * She's very busy and can't come.' 
 
 *' But we knowed better'n that. He wuz too proud 
 to bring her up, 'cause nothin' would suit her, nohow. 
 She wuzn't raised the way we wuz, an' wuz different 
 from us, and we heerd, tu, she wuz as proud as cud be. 
 
 ** No, an' he never brought none uv the child'en, 
 neither. 
 
 " But then. Uncle * Abe,' he wuzn't to blame. We 
 never thought he wuz stuck up." 
 
 PRAISES HIS RIVAL FOR OFFICE 
 
 When Mr. Lincoln was a candidate for the Legisla- 
 ture, it was the practice at that date in Illinois for 
 two rival candidates to travel over the district to- 
 gether. The custom led to much good-natured raillery 
 between them ; and in such contests Lincoln was rarely, 
 if ever, worsted. He could even turn the generosity 
 of a rival to account by his whimsical treatment. 
 
 On one occasion, says Mr. Weir, a former resident 
 of Sangamon county, he had driven out from Spring- 
 field in company with a political opponent to engage 
 in joint debate. The carriage, it seems, belonged to 
 his opponent. In addressing the gathering of farmers 
 that met them, Lincoln was lavish in praise of the gen- 
 erosity of his friend. 
 
 *' I am too poor to own a carriage," he said, " but 
 
 ONIVERSITY L . 
 UBRARX 
 
52 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 my friend has generously invited me to ride with him. 
 I want you to vote for me if you will; but if not then 
 vote for my opponent, for he is a fine man." 
 
 His extravagant and persistent praise of his op- 
 ponent appealed to the sense of humor in his rural au- 
 dience, to whom his inability to own a carriage was 
 by no means a disqualification. 
 
 " HE'S JUST BEAUTIFUL " 
 
 Lincoln's great love for children easily won their 
 confidence. 
 
 A little girl, who had been told that the President 
 was very homely, was taken by her father to see the 
 President at the White House. 
 
 Lincoln took her upon his knee and chatted with her 
 for a moment in his merry way, when she turned to her 
 father and exclaimed: 
 
 ** Oh, Pa! he isn't ugly at all; he's just beautiful!** 
 
 THE QUESTION OF LEGS 
 
 Whenever the people of Lincoln's neighborhood en- 
 gaged in dispute; whenever a bet was to be decided; 
 when they differed on points of religion or politics; 
 when they wanted to get out of trouble, or desired 
 advice regarding anything on the earth, below it, above 
 it, or under the sea, they went to " Abe." 
 
 Two fellows, after a hot dispute lasting some hours, 
 over the problem as to how long a man's legs should 
 be in proportion to the size of his body, stamped into 
 Lincoln's office one day and put the question to him. 
 
 Lincoln listened gravely to the arguments advanced 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 53 
 
 by both contestants, spent some time in " reflecting " 
 upon the matter, and then, turning around in his chair 
 and facing the disputants, delivered his opinion with 
 all the gravity of a judge sentencing a fellow-being to 
 death. 
 
 " This question has been a source of controversy,** 
 he said, slowly and deliberately, " for untold ages, and 
 it is about time it should be definitely decided. It has 
 led to bloodshed in the past, and there is no reason to 
 suppose it will not lead to the same in the future. 
 
 " After much thought and consideration, not to men- 
 tion mental worry and anxiety, it is my opinion, all 
 side issues being swept aside, that a man's lower limbs, 
 in order to preserve harmony of proportion, should 
 be at least long enough to reach from his body to the 
 ground." 
 
 CASH WAS AT HAND 
 
 Lincoln was appointed postmaster at New Salem 
 by President Jackson. The office was given him be- 
 cause everybody liked him, and because he was the 
 only man willing to take it who could make out the 
 returns. Lincoln was pleased, because it gave him a 
 chance to read every newspaper taken in the vicinity. 
 He had never been able to get half the newspapers he 
 wanted before. 
 
 Years after the postoffice had been discontinued and 
 Lincoln had become a practicing lawyer at Spring- 
 field, an agent of the Postofiice Department entered 
 his office and inquired if Abraham Lincoln was within. 
 Lincoln responded to his name, and was informed that 
 the agent had called to collect the balance due the De- 
 
54 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 partment since the discontinuance of the New Salem 
 office. 
 
 A shade of perplexity passed over Lincoln's face, 
 which did not escape the notice of friends present. 
 One of them said at once: 
 
 " Lincoln, if you are in want of money, let us help 
 you." 
 
 He made no reply, but suddenly rose, and pulled 
 out from a pile of books a little old trunk, and, re- 
 turning to the table, asked the agent how much the 
 amount of his diebt was. 
 
 The sum was named, and then Lincoln opened the 
 trunk, pulled out a little package of coin wrapped in 
 a cotton rag, and counted out the exact sum, amounting 
 to more than seventeen dollars. 
 
 After the agent had left the room, he remarked 
 quietly that he had never used any man's money but 
 his own. Although this sum had been in his hands 
 during all those years, he had never regarded it as 
 available, even for any temporary use of his own. 
 
 A PECULIAR LAWYER 
 
 Lincoln was once associate counsel for a defendant 
 in a murder case. He listened to the testimony given 
 by witness after witness against his client, until his 
 honest heart could stand it no longer; then, turning 
 to his associate, he said: "The man is guilty; you 
 defend him — I can't," and when his associate secured 
 a verdict of acquittal, Lincoln refused to share the fee 
 to the extent of one cent. 
 
 Lincoln would never advise clients to enter into 
 unwise or unjust lawsuits, always preferring to refuse 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 55 
 
 a retainer rather than be a party to a case which did 
 not commend itself to his sense of justice. 
 
 "ABE" LIKE HIS FATHER 
 
 *' Abe " Lincoln's father was never at loss for an 
 answer. An old neighbor of Thomas Lincoln — 
 ** Abe's " father — was passing the Lincoln farm one 
 day, when he saw " Abe's " father grubbing up some 
 hazelnut bushes, and said to him: "Why, Grandpap, 
 I thought you wanted to sell your farm ? " 
 
 " And so I do," he replied, " but I ain't goin' to let 
 my farm know it." 
 
 "'Abe's' jes' like his father," the old ones would 
 
 WHY HE WAS CALLED " HONEST ABE " 
 
 During the year Lincoln was in Denton OfFutt's 
 store at New Salem, that gentleman, whose business 
 was somewhat widely and unwisely spread about the 
 country, ceased to prosper in his finances and finally 
 failed. The store was shut up, the mill was closed, 
 and Abraham Lincoln was out of business. 
 
 The year had been one of great advance, in many 
 respects. He had made new and valuable acquaint- 
 ances, read many books, mastered the grammar of his 
 own tongue, won multitudes of friends, and became 
 ready for a step still further in advance. 
 
 Those who could appreciate brains respected him, 
 and those whose ideas of a man related to his muscles 
 were devoted to him. It was while he was perform- 
 ing the work of the store that he acquired the sobriquet 
 
56 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 of " Honest Abe " — a characterization he never dis- 
 honored, and an abbreviation that he never outgrew. 
 
 He was judge, arbitrator, referee, umpire, authority, 
 in all disputes, games and matches of man-flesh, horse- 
 flesh, a pacificator in all quarrels; everybody's friend; 
 the best-natured, the most sensible, the best-informed, 
 the most modest and unassuming, the kindest, gentlest, 
 roughest, strongest, best fellow in all New Salem and 
 the region round about. 
 
 " ABE " GAVE HER A " SURE TIP " 
 
 If all the days Lincoln attended school were added 
 together, they would not make a single year's time^ 
 and he never studied grammar or geography or any 
 of the higher branches. His first teacher in Indiana was 
 Hazel Dorsey, who opened a school in a log school- 
 house a mile and a half from the Lincoln cabin. The 
 building had holes for windows, which were covered 
 over with greased paper to admit light. The roof 
 was just high enough for a man to stand erect. It 
 did not take long to demonstrate that " Abe " was 
 superior to any scholar in his class. His next teacher 
 was Andrew Crawford, who taught in the winter of 
 1822-3, in the same little schoolhouse. "Abe" was 
 an excellent speller, and it is said that he liked to 
 show off his knowledge, especially if he could help out 
 his less fortunate schoolmates. One day the teacher 
 gave out the word " defied." A large class was on the 
 floor, but it seemed that no one would be able to spell 
 it. The teacher declared he would keep the whole 
 class in all day and night if " defied " was not spelled 
 correctly. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 57 
 
 When the word came around to Katy Roby, she was 
 standing where she could see young " Abe.'* She 
 started, " d-e-f/' and while trying to decide whether 
 to spell the word with an '* i " or a ** y/* she noticed 
 that Abe had his finger on his eye and a smile on his 
 face, and instantly took the hint. She spelled the 
 word correctly and school was dismissed. 
 
 SAVED LINCOLN'S LIFE 
 
 When Mr. Lincoln was quite a small boy he met 
 with an accident that almost cost him his life. He 
 was saved by Austin Gollaher, a young playmate. 
 Mr. Gollaher lived to be more than ninety years of age, 
 and to the day of his death related with great pride 
 his boyhood association with Lincoln. 
 
 " Yes," Mr. Gollaher once said, ** the story that I 
 once saved Abraham Lincoln's life is true. He and 
 I had been going to school together for a year or more, 
 and had become greatly attached to each other. Then 
 school disbanded on account of there being so few 
 scholars, and we did not see each other much for a 
 long while. 
 
 ** One Sunday my mother visited the Lincolns, and 
 I was taken along. * Abe * and I played around all 
 day. Finally, we concluded to cross the creek to 
 hunt for some partridges young Lincoln had seen the 
 day before. The creek was swollen by a recent rain, 
 and, in crossing on the narrow footlog, * Abe * fell in. 
 Neither of us could swim. I got a long pole and held 
 it out to * Abe,' who grabbed it. Then I pulled him 
 ashore. 
 
 " He was almost dead, and I was badly scared. I 
 
58 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 rolled and pounded him in good earnest. Then I got 
 him by the arms and shook him, the water meanwhile 
 pouring out of his mouth. By this means I succeeded 
 in bringing him to, and he was soon all right. 
 
 ** Then a new difficulty confronted us. If our moth- 
 ers discovered our wet clothes they would whip us. 
 This we dreaded from experience, and determined to 
 avoid. It was June, the sun was very warm, and we 
 soon dried our clothing by spreading it on the rocks 
 about us. We promised never to tell the story, and I 
 never did until after Lincoln's tragic end.** 
 
 ONE THING " ABE " DIDN'T LOVE 
 
 Lincoln admitted that he was not particularly en- 
 ergetic when it came to real hard work. 
 
 " My father," said he one day, ** taught me how to 
 work, but not to love it. I never did like to work, and 
 I don*t deny it. I'd rather read, tell stories, crack 
 jokes, talk, laugh — anything but work.** 
 
 WHY SHE MARRIED HIM 
 
 There was a " social " at Lincoln's house in Spring- 
 field, and " Abe ** introduced his wife to Ward Lamon, 
 his law partner. Lamon tells the story in these words: 
 
 " After introducing me to Mrs. Lincoln, he left us 
 in conversation. I remarked to her that her husband 
 was a great favorite in the eastern part of the State, 
 where I had been stopping. 
 
 Yes,' she replied, * he is a great favorite every- 
 where. He is to be President of the United States 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 59 
 
 some day; if I had not thought so I never would have 
 married him, for you see he is not pretty. 
 
 " ' But look at him, doesn't he look as if he would 
 make a magnificent President? ' '* 
 
 CREDITOR PAID DEBTOR'S DEBT 
 
 A CERTAIN rich man in Springfield, Illinois, sued a 
 poor attorney for $2.50, and Lincoln was asked to 
 prosecute the case. Lincoln urged the creditor to let 
 the matter drop, adding, " You can make nothing out 
 of him, and it will cost you a good deal more than the 
 debt to bring suit." The creditor was still determined 
 to have his way, and threatened to seek some other 
 attorney. Lincoln then said, " Well, if you are de- 
 termined that suit should be brought, I will bring it, 
 but my charge will be $10." 
 
 The money was paid him, and peremptory orders 
 were given that the suit be brought that day. After 
 the client's departure Lincoln went out of the office, 
 returning in about an hour with an amused look on 
 his face. Asked what pleased him, he replied, " I 
 
 brought suit against , and then hunted him up, 
 
 told him what I had done, handed him half of the $10, 
 and we went over to the squire's office. He confessed 
 judgment and paid the bill." 
 
 Lincoln added that he didn't see any other way to 
 make things satisfactory for his client as well as the 
 other: 
 
 END FOR END 
 Judge H. W. Beckwith, of Danville, 111., in his 
 Personal Recollections of Lincoln," tells a story 
 
60 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 which is a good example of Lincoln's way of con- 
 densing the law and the facts of an issue in a story: 
 " A man, by vile words, first provoked and then made 
 a bodily attack upon another. The latter, in defend- 
 ing himself, gave the other much the worst of the 
 encounter. The aggressor, to get even, had the one 
 who thrashed him tried in our Circuit Court on a 
 charge of an assault and battery. Mr. Lincoln de- 
 fended, and told the jury that his client was in the 
 fix of a man who, in going along the highway with a 
 pitchfork on his shoulder, was attacked by a fierce dog 
 that ran out at him from a farmer's dooryard. In 
 parrying off the brute with the fork, its prongs stuck 
 into the brute and killed him. 
 
 " * What made you kill my dog ? ' said the farmer. 
 
 " * What made him try to bite me ? ' 
 
 ** * But why did you not go at him with the other end 
 of the pitchfork ? ' 
 
 " * Why did he not come after me with his other 
 endr 
 
 " At this Mr. Lincoln whirled about in his long 
 arms an imaginary dog, and pushed its tail end toward 
 the jury. This was the defensive plea of ' son assault 
 demesne ' — loosely, that * the other fellow brought on 
 the fight,' — quickly told, and in a way the dullest mind 
 would grasp and retain." 
 
 ONE RIGHT DECISION 
 
 When Attorney-Genial Bates was remonstrating 
 apparently against the appointment of some indiffer- 
 ent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the Presi- 
 dent interposed with: " Come now. Bates, he's not 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 61 
 
 half as bad as you think. Besides that^ I must tell 
 you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took 
 to the law, I was going to court one morning, with 
 some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I 
 had no horse. 
 
 ** The Judge overtook me in his carriage. 
 
 " * Hallo, Lincoln ! are you not going to the court- 
 house } Come in and I will give you a seat ! ' 
 
 ** Well, I got in, and the Judge went on reading his 
 papers. Presently the carriage struck a stump on one 
 side of the road, then it hopped off to the other. I 
 looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side 
 to side in his seat, so I says: 
 
 " * Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a 
 little too much this morning.* 
 
 ** * Well, I declare, Lincoln,* said he, * I should not 
 much wonder if you were right, for he has nearly upset 
 me half a dozen times since starting.* 
 
 " So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 
 * Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk ! ' 
 
 " Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning 
 round with great gravity, the coachman said: 
 
 " * Begorra ! that's the first rightful decision that you 
 have given for the last twelvemonth.' " 
 
 While the company were laughing, the President 
 beat a quiet retreat from the neighborhood. 
 
 LINCOLN RESCUES A PIG FROM A BAD 
 PREDICAMENT 
 
 An amusing incident occurred in connection with 
 "riding the circuit," which gives a pleasant glimpse 
 into the good lawyer's heart. He was riding by a deep 
 
62 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 slough, in which, to his exceeding pain, he saw a pig 
 strugghng, and with such faint efforts that it was evi- 
 dent that he could not extricate himself from the mud. 
 Mr. Lincoln looked at the pig and the mud which en- 
 veloped him, and then looked at some new clothes 
 with which he had but a short time before enveloped 
 himself. Deciding against the claims of the pig, he 
 rode on, but he could not get rid of the vision of the 
 poor brute, and, at last, after riding two miles, he 
 turned back, determined to rescue the animal at the 
 expense of his new clothes. Arrived at the spot, he 
 tied his horse, and coolly went to work to build of old 
 rails a passage to the bottom of the hole. Descending 
 on these rails, he seized the pig and dragged him out, 
 but not without serious damage to the clothes he wore. 
 Washing his hands in the nearest brook, and wiping 
 them on the grass, he mounted his gig and rode along. 
 He then fell to examining the motive that sent him 
 back to the release of the pig. At the first thought 
 it seemed to be pure benevolence, but, at length, he 
 came to the conclusion that it was selfishness, for he 
 certainly went to the pig's relief in order (as he said 
 to the friend to whom he related the incident), "to 
 take a pain out of his own mind." This is certainly a 
 new view of the nature sympathy; and one which it 
 will be well for the casuist to examine. 
 
 HIS KNOWLEDGE OF^HUMAN NATURE 
 
 Once, when Lincoln was pleading a case, the oppos- 
 ing lawyer had all the advantage of the law ; the 
 weather was warm, and his opponent, as was admissi- 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 63 
 
 ble in frontier courts, pulled off his coat and vest as 
 he grew warm in the argument. 
 
 At that time, shirts with buttons behind were un- 
 usual. Lincoln took in the situation at once. Know- 
 ing the prejudices of the primitive people against 
 pretension of all sorts, or any affectation of superior so- 
 cial rank, arising, he said: "Gentlemen of the jury, 
 having justice on my side, I don't think you will be at 
 all influenced by the gentleman's pretended knowledge 
 of the law, when you see he does not even know which 
 side of his shirt should be in front." There was a gen- 
 eral laugh, and Lincoln's case was won. 
 
 HURT HIS LEGS LESS 
 
 Lincoln was one of the attorneys in a case of con- 
 siderable importance, court being held in a very small 
 and dilapidated schoolhouse out in the country; Lin- 
 coln was compelled to stoop very much in order to 
 enter the door, and the seats were so low that he 
 doubled up his legs like a jackknife. 
 
 Lincoln was obliged to sit upon a school bench, and 
 just in front of him was another, making the distance 
 between him and the seat in front of him very narrow 
 and uncomfortable. 
 
 His position was almost unbearable, and in order 
 to carry out his preference which he secured as often 
 as possible, and that was ** to sit as near to the jury 
 as convenient," he took advantage of his discomfort 
 and finally said to the Judge on the ''bench": 
 
 " Your Honor, with your permission, I'll sit up 
 nearer to the gentlemen of the jury, for it hurts my 
 
64 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 legs less to rub my calves against the bench than it does 
 to skin my shins." 
 
 A LITTLE SHY ON GRAMMAR 
 
 When Mr. Lincoln had prepared his brief letter ac- 
 cepting the Presidential nomination he took it to Dr. 
 Newton Bateman, the State Superintendent of Educa- 
 tion. 
 
 " Mr. Schoolmaster/' he said, " here is my letter of 
 acceptance. I am not very strong on grammar and I 
 wish you to see if it is all right. I wouldn't like to 
 have any mistakes in it." 
 
 The doctor took the letter and after reading it, said: 
 
 " There is only one change I should suggest, Mr. 
 Lincoln, you have written * It shall be my care to not 
 violate or disregard it in any part,' you should have 
 written * not to violate.' Never split an infinitive, is 
 the rule." 
 
 Mr. Lincoln took the manuscript, regarding it a mo- 
 ment with a puzzled air, " So you think I better put 
 those two little fellows end to end, do you ? " he said 
 as he made the change. 
 
 GIVING AWAY THE CASE 
 
 Between the first election and inauguration of Mr. 
 Lincoln the disunion sentiment grew rapidly in the 
 South, and President Buchanan's failure to stop the 
 open acts of secession grieved Mr. Lincoln sorely. Mr. 
 Lincoln had a long talk with his friend, Judge Gilles- 
 pie, over the state of affairs. One incident of the con- 
 versation is thus narrated by the Judge: 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 65 
 
 " When I retired, it was the master of the house and 
 chosen ruler of the country who saw me to my room. 
 * Joe/ he said, as he was about to leave me, * I am re- 
 minded and I suppose you will never forget that trial 
 down in Montgomery county, where the lawyer asso- 
 ciated with you gave away the whole case in his open- 
 ing speech. I saw you signaling to him, but you 
 couldn't stop him. 
 
 ** * Now, that's just the way with me and Buchanan. 
 He is giving away the case, and I have nothing to say, 
 and can't stop him. Good-night.* '* 
 
 POSING WITH A BROOMSTICK 
 
 Mr. Leonard Volk, the artist, relates that, being 
 in Springfield when Lincoln's nomination for President 
 was announced, he called upon Mr. Lincoln, whom he 
 found looking smiling and happy. " I exclaimed, * I 
 am the first man from Chicago, I believe, who has had 
 the honor of congratulating you on your nomination for 
 President.* Then those two great hands took both of 
 mine with a grasp never to be forgotten, and while 
 shaking, I said, * Now that you will doubtless be the 
 President of the United States, I want to make a statue 
 of you, and shall try my best to do you justice.* 
 
 " Said he, * I don't doubt it, for I have come to the 
 conclusion that you are an honest man,* and with that 
 greeting, I thought my hands in a fair way of being 
 crushed. 
 
 ** On the Sunday following, by agreement, I called to 
 make a cast of Mr. Lincoln's hands. I asked him tf» 
 hold something in his hands, and told him a stick would 
 do. Thereupon he went to the woodshed, and I heard 
 
66 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 the saw go, and he soon returned to the dining-room, 
 whittling off the end of a piece of broom handle. I 
 remarked to him that he need not whittle ofF the edges. 
 * Oh, well,' said he, * I thought I would like to have it 
 
 " I AM NOT FIT FOR THE PRESIDENCY " 
 
 The opening of the year 1860 found Mr. Lincoln's 
 name freely mentioned in connection with the Repub- 
 lican nomination for the Presidency. To be classed 
 with Seward, Chase, McLean, and other celebrities was 
 enough to stimulate any Illinois lawyer's pride; but in 
 Mr. Lincoln's case, if it had any such eiFect, he was 
 most artful in concealing it. Now and then, some 
 ardent friend, an editor, for example, would run his 
 name up to the masthead, but in all cases he discour- 
 aged the attempt. 
 
 " In regard to the matter you spoke of," he answered 
 one man who proposed his name, " I beg you will not 
 give it a further mention. Seriously, I do not think 
 I am fit for the Presidency." 
 
 SIX FOOT THREE COMMITTEE MAN 
 
 Tall Judge Kelly, of Pennsylvania, who was one of 
 the committee to inform Mr. Lincoln of his nomina- 
 tion at Chicago Convention, had been eyeing Mr. Lin- 
 coln's lofty form with a mixture of admiration, and 
 very likely jealousy. This had not escaped Mr. Lin- 
 coln, and as he shook hands with the Judge he in- 
 quired : *' What is your height ? " *' Six feet three;^ 
 what is yours, Mr. Lincoln?" ** Six. feet four." 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 67 
 
 ** Then/* said the Judge, ** Pennsylvania bows to Illi- 
 nois. My dear sir, for years my heart has been aching 
 for a President that I could look up to, and I've found 
 him at last in the land wherq^ we thought there were 
 none but little giants." 
 
 LINCOLN AND THE MINISTERS 
 
 At the time of Lincoln's nomination, at Chicago, 
 Mr. Newton Bateman, Superintendent of Public In- 
 struction for the State of Illinois, occupied a room ad- 
 joining and opening into the Executive Chamber at 
 Springfield. Frequently this door was open during Mr. 
 Lincoln's receptions, and throughout the seven months 
 or more of his occupation he saw him nearly every 
 day. Often, when Mr. Lincoln was tired, he closed 
 the door against all intruders, and called Mr. Bateman 
 into his room for a quiet talk. On one of these occa- 
 sions, Mr. Lincoln took up a book containing a canvass 
 of the city of Springfield, in which he lived, showing 
 the candidate for whom each citizen had declared it 
 his intention to vote in the approaching election. Mr. 
 Lincoln's friends had, doubtless at his own request, 
 placed the result of the canvass in his hands. This 
 was towards the close of October, and only a few days 
 before election. Calling Mr. Bateman to a seat by his 
 side, having previously locked all the doors, he said: 
 
 " Let us look over this book ; I wish particularly to 
 see how the ministers of Springfield are going to vote.^* 
 
 The leaves were turned, one by one, and as the names 
 were examined Mr. Lincoln frequently asked if this 
 one and that one was not a minister, or an elder, or 
 a member of such and such a church, and sadly expressed 
 
68 - WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 his surprise on receiving an affirmative answer. In 
 that manner he went through the book, and then he 
 closed it, and sat silently for some minutes regarding 
 a memorandum in pencil which lay before him. At 
 length he turned to Mr. Bateman, with a face full of 
 sadness, and said: 
 
 " Here are twenty-three ministers of different de- 
 nominations, and all of them are against me but three, 
 and here are a great many prominent members of 
 churches, a very large majority are against me. Mr. 
 Bateman, I am not a Christian — God knows I would 
 be one — but I have carefully read the Bible, and I do 
 not so understand this book,** and he drew forth a pocket 
 New Testament. 
 
 *' These men well know,*' he continued, "that I am 
 for freedom in the Territories, freedom everywhere, 
 as free as the Constitution and the laws will permit, 
 and that my opponents are for slavery. They know 
 this, and yet, with this book in their hands, in the light 
 of which human bondage cannot live a moment, they 
 are going to vote against me; I do not understand it at 
 all.'* 
 
 Here Mr. Lincoln paused — paused for long min- 
 utes, his features surcharged with emotion. Then he 
 rose and walked up and down the reception-room in 
 the effort to retain or regain his self-possession. Stop- 
 ping at last, he said, with a trembling voice and cheeks 
 wet with tears ; 
 
 ** I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice 
 and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that 
 His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for 
 me, and I think He has, I believe I am ready. I am 
 nothing, but Truth is everything. I know I am right. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 69 
 
 because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches 
 it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house 
 divided against itself cannot stand; and Christ and 
 Reason say the same, and they will find it so. 
 
 " Douglas doesn't care whether slavery is voted up 
 or down, but God cares, and humanity cares, and I 
 care; and with God's help I shall not fail. I may 
 not see the end, but it will come, and I shall be vindi- 
 cated; and these men will find they have not read their 
 Bible right." 
 
 Much of this was uttered as if he were speaking 
 to himself, and with a sad, earnest solemnity of man- 
 ner impossible to be described. After a pause he re- 
 sumed : 
 
 ** Doesn't it seem strange that men can ignore the 
 moral aspect of this contest? No revelation could make 
 it plainer to me that slavery or the Government must 
 be destroyed. The future would be something awful, 
 as I look at it, but for this rock on which I stand ** 
 (alluding to the Testament which he still held in his 
 hand), " especially with the knowledge of how these 
 ministers are going to vote. It seems as if God had 
 borne with this thing (slavery) until the teachers of 
 religion have come to defend it from the Bible, and 
 to claim for it a divine character and sanction; and 
 now the cup of iniquity is full, and the vials of wrath 
 will be poured out.** 
 
 Everything he said was of a peculiarly deep, tender, 
 and religious tone, and all was tinged with a touching 
 melancholy. He repeatedly referred to his conviction 
 that the day of wrath was at hand, and that he was to 
 be an actor in the terrible struggle which would issue 
 
7Q WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 in tHe overthrow of slavery, although he might not live 
 to see the end. 
 
 After further reference to a belief in the Divine 
 Providence and the fact of God in history, the con- 
 versation turned upon prayer. He freely stated his 
 belief in the duty, privilege, and efficacy of prayer, 
 and intimated, in no unmistakable terms, that he had 
 sought in that way Divine guidance and favor. The 
 effect of this conversation upon the mind of Mr. Bate- 
 man, a Christian gentleman whom Mr. Lincoln pro- 
 foundly respected, was to convince him that Mr. Lin- 
 coln had, in a quiet way, found a path to the Christian 
 standpoint — that he had found God, and rested on the 
 eternal truth of God. As the two men were about to 
 separate, Mr. Bateman remarked: 
 
 ** I have not supposed that you were accustomed to 
 think so much upon this class of subjects; certainly 
 your friends generally are ignorant of the sentiments 
 you have expressed to me." 
 
 He replied quickly: ** I know they are, but I think 
 more on these subjects than upon all others, and I have 
 done so for years; and I am willing you should know 
 it." 
 
 CROSSING A RIVER WHEN HE GOT TO IT 
 
 Lincoln's reply to a Springfield (Illinois) clergy- 
 man, who asked him what was to be his policy on the 
 slavery question was most apt: 
 
 ** Well, your question is rather a cool one, but I will 
 answer it by telling you a story : 
 
 "You know Father B., the old Methodist preacher.^ 
 and you know Fpx River and its freshets? 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 71 
 
 " Well, once in the presence of Father B., a young 
 Methodist was worrying about Fox River, and express- 
 ing fears that he should be prevented from fulfilling 
 some of his appointments by a freshet in the river. 
 
 " Father B. checked him in his gravest manner. Said 
 he: 
 
 ** ' Young man, I have always made it a rule in my 
 life not to cross Fox River till I get to it.* 
 
 " And,** said the President, " I am not going to 
 worry myself over the slavery question till I get to it." 
 
 A few days afterward a Methodist minister called 
 on the President, and on being presented to him, said, 
 simply: 
 
 " Mr. President, I have come to tell you that I think 
 we have got to Fox River ! '* 
 
 Lincoln thanked the clergyman, and laughed heartily. 
 
 WHAT AILED THE BOYS 
 
 Mr. Roland Diller, who was one of Mr. Lincoln's 
 neighbors in Springfield, tells the following: 
 
 " I was called to the door one day by the cries of 
 children in the street, and there was Mr. Lincoln, strid- 
 ing by with two of his boys, both of whom were wail- 
 ing aloud. * Why, Mr. Lincoln, what's the matter with 
 the boys ? * I asked. 
 
 ** * Just what's the matter with the whole world,^ 
 Lincoln replied. * I've got three walnuts, and each 
 wants two.' " 
 
 'TWAS "MOVING DAV* 
 
 Speed, who was a prosperous young merchant of 
 Springfield, reports that Lincoln's personal efi'ects con- 
 
72 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 sisted of a pair of saddle-bags, containing two or three 
 lawbooks, and a few pieces of clothing. Riding on a 
 borrowed horse, he thus made his appearance in Spring- 
 field. When he discovered that a single bedstead would 
 cost seventeen dollars he said, ** It is probably cheap 
 enough, but I have not enough money to pay for it." 
 When Speed offered to trust him, he said: " If I fail 
 here as a lawyer, I will probably never pay you at 
 all.'* Then Speed offered to share a large double bed 
 with him. 
 
 ** Where is your room ? " Lincoln asked. 
 
 ** Upstairs," said Speed, pointing from the store lead- 
 ing to his room. Without saying a word, he took his 
 saddle-bags on his arms, went upstairs, set them down 
 on the floor, came down again, and with a face beam- 
 ing with pleasure and smiles, exclaimed: "Well, 
 Speed, I'm moved.'* 
 
 FORGOT EVERYTHING HE KNEW 
 
 President Lincoln, while entertaining a few 
 friends, is said to have related the following anecdote 
 of a man who knew too much: 
 
 During the administration of President Jackson there 
 was a singular young gentleman employed in the Pub- 
 lic Postoffice in Washington. 
 
 His name was G.; he was from Tennessee, the son 
 of a widow, a neighbor of the President, on which ac- 
 count the old hero had a kind feeling for him, and al- 
 ways got him out of difficulties with some of the higher 
 officials, to whom his singular interference was distaste- 
 ful. 
 
 Among other things, it is said of him that while em- 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 73 
 
 ployed in the General Postoffice, on one occasion he 
 had to copy a letter to Major H.^ a high official, in 
 answer to an application made by an old gentleman 
 in Virginia or Pennsylvania, for the establishment of a 
 new postoffice. 
 
 The writer of the letter said the application could 
 not be granted, in consequence of the applicant's 
 ** proximity " to another office. 
 
 When the letter came into G/s hand to copy, being 
 a great stickler for plainness, he altered ** proximity " 
 to ** nearness to.'* 
 
 Major H. observed it, and asked G. why he altered 
 his letter. 
 
 ** Why," replied G., *' because I don't think the man 
 would understand what you mean by proximity." 
 
 "Well," said Major H., "try him; put in the 
 * proximity * again." 
 
 In a few days a letter was received from the appli- 
 cant, in which he very indignantly said that his father 
 had fought for liberty in the second war for independ- 
 ence, and he should like to have the name of the 
 scoundrel who brought the charge of proximity or any- 
 thing else wrong against him. 
 
 " There," said G., " did I not say so? " 
 
 G. carried his improvements so far that Mr. Berry, 
 the Postmaster-General, said to him: " I don't want 
 you any longer; you know too much." 
 
 Poor G. went out, but his old friend got him another 
 place. 
 
 This time G.*s ideas underwent a change. He was 
 one day very busy writing, when a stranger called in 
 and asked him where the Patent Office was. 
 
 " I don't know," said G. 
 
74 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ** Can you tell me where the Treasury Department 
 is ? " said the stranger. 
 
 " No/' said G. 
 
 " Nor the President's house ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 The stranger finally asked him if he knew where the 
 Capitol was. 
 
 " No," replied G. 
 
 *' Do you live in Washington, sir ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," said G. 
 
 ** Good Lord ! and don't you know where the Patent 
 Office, Treasury, President's House and Capitol are ? ** 
 
 " Stranger," said G., " I was turned out of the post- 
 office for knowing too much. I don't mean to oiFend in 
 that way again. 
 
 ** I am paid for keeping this book. 
 
 " I believe I know that much ; but if you find me 
 knowing anything more you may take my head." 
 
 " Good morning," said the stranger. 
 
 LINCOLN'S LOVE OF SOLDIER HUMOR 
 
 Lincoln loved anything that savored of wit or humor 
 among the soldiers in their deprivations and sufferings. 
 He used to relate these two stories often to show, he 
 said, that neither death nor danger could quench the 
 gTrim humor of the American soldier: 
 
 ** A soldier of the Army of the Potomac was being 
 carried to the rear of battle with both legs shot off, 
 who, seeing a pie-woman hovering about, asked, * Say, 
 old lady, are them pies sewed or pegged ? ' 
 
 *' And there was another one of the soldiers at the 
 battle of Chancellorsville, whose regiment, waiting to 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 75 
 
 be called into the fight, was taking coffee. The hero 
 of the story put to his lips a crockery mug which he 
 had carried, with infinite care, through several cam- 
 paigns. A stray bullet, just missing the drinker's head, 
 dashed the mug into fragments and left only the han- 
 dle on his finger. Turning his head in that direction, 
 be scowled, * Johnny, you can't do that again.' " 
 
 ADVISES AN ANGRY OFFICER 
 
 An officer, having had some trouble with General 
 Sherman, being very angry, presented himself before 
 Mr. Lincoln, who was visiting the camp, and said, 
 ** Mr. President, I have a cause of grievance. This 
 morning I went to Colonel Sherman and he threatened 
 to shoot me." " Threatened to shoot you? " said Mr. 
 Lincoln. "Well [in a stage whisper], if I were you 
 and he threatens to shoot, I would not trust him, for 
 I believe he would do it." 
 
 " HELP ME LET THIS HOG GO " 
 
 The terrible butchery at the battle of Fredericks- 
 burg, made Lincoln almost broken-hearted. 
 
 Governor Custer, of Pennsylvania, expressed his re- 
 grets that his description had so sadly affected the 
 President. He remarked: " I would give all I possess 
 to know how to rescue you from this terrible war.'* 
 Then Mr. Lincoln's wonderful recuperative powers as- 
 serted themselves and this marvelous man was him- 
 self. 
 
 Lincoln's whole aspect suddenly changed, and he re- 
 lieved his mind by telling a story. 
 
76 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ** This reminds me. Governor/' he said, " of an old 
 farmer out in Illinois that I used to know. 
 
 " He took it into his head to go into hog-raising. He 
 sent out to Europe and imported the finest breed of 
 hogs he could buy. 
 
 " The prize hog was put in a pen, and the farmer's 
 two mischievous boys, James and John, were told to 
 be sure not to let it out. But James, the worst of the 
 two, let the brute out the next day. The hog went 
 straight for the boys, and drove John up a tree, then 
 the hog went for the seat of James' trousers, and the 
 only way the boy could save himself was by holding on 
 to the hog's tail. 
 
 " The hog would not give up his hunt, nor the boy 
 his hold! After they had made a good many circles 
 around the tree, the boy's courage began to give out, 
 and he shouted to his brother, * I say, John, come down, 
 quick, and help me let go this hog ! ' 
 
 " Now, Governor, that is exactly my case. I wish 
 someone would come and help me to let the hog go." 
 
 THE SKUNK STORY 
 
 The President had decided to select a new war min- 
 ister, and the leading Republican Senators thought the 
 occasion was opportune to change the whole seven Cabi- 
 net ministers. They, therefore, earnestly advised him 
 to make a clean sweep, and select seven new men, and 
 so restore the waning confidence of the country. The 
 President listened with patient courtesy, and when the 
 Senators had concluded he said, with a characteristic 
 gleam of humor in his eye : 
 
 " Gentlemen, your request for a change of the whole 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 77 
 
 Cabinet because I have made one change, reminds me 
 of a story I once heard in Illinois, of a farmer who 
 was much troubled by skunks. His wife insisted on 
 his trying to get rid of them. He loaded his shotgun 
 one moonlight night and awaited developments. After 
 some time the wife heard the shotgun go off, and, in a 
 few minutes, the farmer entered the house. * What 
 luck have you } ' said she. * I hid myself behind the 
 wood-pile,' said the old man, * with the shotgun pointed 
 towards the hen roost, and before long there appeared 
 not one skunk, but seven. I took aim, blazed away, 
 killed one, and he raised such a fearful smell that I con- 
 cluded it was best to let the other six go.' " 
 The Senators laughed and retired. 
 
 PASSES TO RICHMOND 
 
 A GENTLEMAN called upon President Lincoln before 
 the fall of Richmond and solicited a pass for that 
 place. '* I should be very happy to oblige you," said 
 the President, " if my passes were respected ; but the 
 fact is, I have, within the past two years, given passes 
 to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to Rich- 
 mond and not one has got there yet." 
 
 " GRANT'S WHISKY " THE RIGHT KIND 
 
 Just previous to the fall of Vicksburg a self-con- 
 stituted committee, solicitous for the morals of our 
 armies, took it upon themselves to visit the President 
 and urge the removal of General Grant. 
 
 In some surprise Mr. Lincoln inquired, ** For what 
 reason ? " 
 
78 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ** Why/' replied the spokesman, " he drinks too much 
 whisky." 
 
 " Ah! " rejoined Mr. Lincoln, dropping his lower lip, 
 " by the way, gentlemen, can either of you tell me 
 where General Grant procures his whisky? Because, 
 if I can find out, I will send every general in the field 
 a barrel of it ! " 
 
 " LET JEFF ESCAPE, I DON'T WANT HIM " 
 
 When Grant saw that Lee must soon capitulate, 
 Grant asked the President whether he should try to 
 capture .JefF. Davis, or let him escape from the country 
 if he would. The President said: 
 
 " About that, I told him the story of an Irishman, 
 who had the pledge of Father Matthew. He became 
 terribly thirsty, and applied to the bartender for a 
 lemonade, and while it was being prepared he whis- 
 pered to him, * And couldn't ye put a little brandy in 
 it all unbeknown to myself?' I told Grant if he could 
 let JefF. Davis escape all unbeknown to himself, to let 
 him go, I didn't want him." 
 
 A VERY BRAINY NUBBIN 
 
 President Lincoln and Secretary of State Seward 
 met Alexander H. Stephens, Vice-President of the Con- 
 federacy, on February 2d, 1865, on the River Queen, 
 at Fortress Monroe. Stephens was enveloped in over- 
 coats and shawls, and had the appearance of a fair- 
 sized man. He began to take off one wrapping after 
 another, until the small, shriveled old man stood before 
 them. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 79 
 
 Lincoln quietly said to Seward : " This is the 
 largest shucking for so small a nubbin that I ever 
 saw." 
 
 President Lincoln had a friendly conference, but 
 presented his ultimatum — that the one and only con- 
 dition of peace was that Confederates " must cease 
 their resistance/' 
 
 HELPED OUT THE SOLDIERS 
 
 Judge Thomas B. Bryan, of Chicago, a member of 
 the Union Defense Committee during the War, related 
 the following concerning the original copy of the 
 Emancipation Proclamation : 
 
 " I asked Mr. Lincoln for the original draft of the 
 Proclamation,'* said Judge Bryan, *' for the benefit of 
 our Sanitary Fair, in 1865. He sent it and accom- 
 panied it with a note in which he said: 
 
 " ' I had intended to keep this paper, but if it will 
 help the soldiers, I give it to you.* 
 
 ** The paper was put up at auction and brought 
 $3,000. The buyer afterward sold it again to friends 
 of Mr. Lincoln at a greatly advanced price, and it was 
 placed in the rooms of the Chicago Historical Society, 
 where it was burned in the great fire of 1871." 
 
 " THE ENEMY ARE * OURN 
 
 » >j 
 
 Early in the Presidential campaign of 1864, Presi- 
 dent Lincoln said one night to a late caller at the White 
 House: 
 
 " We have met the enemy and they are * ourn * ! I 
 think the cabal of obstructionists ' am busted.* I feel 
 
80 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 certain that, if I live, I am going to be reelected. 
 Whether I deserve to be or not, it is not for me to 
 say; but oh the score even of remunerative chances for 
 speculative service, I now am inspired with the hope 
 that our disturbed country further requires the valuable 
 services of your humble servant. * Jordan has been a 
 hard road to travel,* but I feel now that, notwithstand- 
 ing the enemies I have made and the faults I have 
 committed, I'll be dumped on the right side of that 
 stream. 
 
 " I hope, however, that I may never have another 
 four years of such anxiety, tribulation and abuse. My 
 only ambition is and has been to put down the rebellion 
 and restore peace, after which I want to resign my 
 office, go abroad, take some rest, study foreign govern- 
 ments, see something of foreign life, and in my old age 
 die in peace with all of the good of God's creatures." 
 
 "AND — HERE I AM!" 
 
 An old acquaintance of the President visited him in 
 Washington. Lincoln desired to give him a place. 
 Thus encouraged, the visitor, who was an honest man, 
 but wholly inexperienced in public affairs or business, 
 asked for a high office. Superintendent of the Mint. 
 
 The President was aghast, and said : " Good gra- 
 cious ! Why didn't he ask to be Secretary of the Treas- 
 ury, and have done with it? " 
 
 Afterward, he said : " Well, now, I never thought 
 
 Mr. had anything more than average ability, when 
 
 we were young men together. But, then, I suppose 
 he thought the same thing about me, and — here I 
 am ! " 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 81 
 
 LIEUTENANT TAD LINCOLN'S SENTI- 
 NELS 
 
 President Lincoln's favorite son. Tad, having 
 been sportively commissioned a lieutenant in the United 
 States Army by Secretary Stanton, procured several 
 muskets and drilled the men-servants of the house in 
 the manual of arms without attracting the attention 
 of his father. And one night, to his consternation, he 
 put them all on duty, and relieved the regular sentries, 
 who, seeing the lad in full uniform, or perhaps appreci- 
 ating the joke, gladly went to their quarters. His 
 brother objected; but Tad insisted upon his rights as an 
 officer. The President laughed but declined to inter- 
 fere, but when the lad had lost his little authority in his 
 boyish sleep, the Commander-in-Chief of the Army and 
 Navy of the United States went down and personally 
 discharged the sentries his son had put on the post. 
 
 SHORT, BUT EXCITING 
 
 William B. Wilson, employed in the telegraph of- 
 fice at the War Department, ran over to the White 
 House one day to summon Mr. Lincoln. He described 
 the trip back to the War Department in this manner: 
 
 ** Calling on© of his two younger boys to join" him, 
 we then started from tho White House, between stately 
 trees, along a gravel path which led to the rear of the 
 old War Department building. It was a warm day, 
 and Mr. Lincoln wore as part of his costume a faded 
 gray linen duster which hung loosely around his long 
 gaunt frame; his kindly eye was beaming with good 
 nature, and his ever-thoughtful brow was unruffled. 
 
 ** We had barely reached the gravel walk before he 
 
82 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 stooped over, picked up a round smooth pebble, and 
 shooting it off his thumb, challenged us to a game of 
 * folio wings,* which we accepted. Each in turn tried 
 to hit the outlying stone, which was being constantly 
 projected onward by the President. The game was 
 short, but exciting; the cheerfulness of childhood, the 
 ambition of young manhood, and the gravity of the 
 statesman were all injected into it. 
 
 ** The game was not won until the steps of the War 
 Department were reached. Every inch of progression 
 was toughly contested, and when the President was de- 
 clared victor, it was only by a hand span. He ap- 
 peared to be as much pleased as if he had won a bat- 
 tle." 
 
 HE WANTED A STEADY HAND 
 
 When the Emancipation Proclamation was taken to 
 Mr. Lincoln by Secretary Seward, for the President's 
 signature, Mr. Lincoln took a pen, dipped it in the ink, 
 moved his hand to the place for the signature, held it 
 a moment, then removed his hand and dropped the pen. 
 After a little hesitation, he again took up the pen and 
 went through the same movement as before. Mr. Lin- 
 coln then turned to Mr. Seward and said: 
 
 " I have been shaking hands since nine o'clock this 
 morning, and my right arm is almost paralyzed. If my 
 name ever goes into history, it will be for this act, and 
 my whole soul is in it. If my hand trembles when I 
 sign the Proclamation, all who examine the document 
 hereafter will say, * He hesitated.* " 
 
 He thep. turned to the table, took up tlie pen again, 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 83 
 
 and slowly, firmly wrote " Abraham Lincoln/* with 
 which the whole world is now familiar. 
 
 He then looked up, smiled, and said, " That will do," 
 
 THE NEGRO AND THE CROCODILE 
 
 In one of his political speeches. Judge Douglas made 
 use of the following figure of speech: " As between the 
 crocodile and the negro, I take the side of the negro; 
 but as between the negro and the white man — I would 
 go for the white man every time." 
 
 Lincoln, at home, noted that; and afterward , when 
 he had occasion to refer to the remark, he sa"d: " I 
 believe that this is a sort of proposition in proporUon, 
 which may be stated thus : * As the negro is to the 
 white man, so is the crocodile to the negro; and as the 
 negro may rightfully treat the crocodile as a beast or 
 reptile, so the white man may rightfully treat the negro 
 as a beast or reptile.' " 
 
 ENTERED THE COLT 
 
 Mr. Lincoln was seen coming away from church, un- 
 usually early one Sunday morning. " The sermon 
 could not have been more than half way through," says 
 Mr. Alcott. ** ' Tad ' was slung across his left arm like 
 a pair of saddle-bags, and Mr. Lincoln was striding 
 along with long, deliberate steps toward his home. On 
 one of the street corners he encountered a group of his 
 fellow-townsmen. Mr. Lincoln anticipated the question 
 which was about to be put by the group, and, taking his 
 figure of speech from practices with which they were 
 
84 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 only too familiar, said : ' Gentlemen, I entered this 
 colt, but he kicked around so I had to withdraw him.' " 
 
 " TAD " GOT HISr DOLLAR 
 
 No matter who was with the President, or how 
 intently absorbed, his little son " Tad " was always wel- 
 come. He almost always accompanied his father. 
 
 Once, on the way to Fortress Monroe, he became very 
 troublesome. The President was much engaged in con- 
 versation with the party who accompanied him, and he 
 at length said : 
 
 " * Ti d,' if you will be a good boy, and not disturb 
 me any nore until we get to Fortress Monroe, I will give 
 you \ dollar." 
 
 The hope of reward was effectual for awhile in se- 
 curing silence, but, boylike, " Tad " soon forgot his 
 promise, and was as noisy as ever. Upon reaching their 
 destination, however, he said, very promptly: " Father, 
 I want my dollar." Mr. Lincoln looked at him half-re- 
 proachfully for an instant, and then, taking from his 
 pocketbook a dollar note, he said : " Well, my son, at 
 any rate, I will keep my part of the bargain." 
 
 LINCOLN'S APOLOGY TO GRANT 
 
 " General Grant is a copious worker and fighter," 
 President Lincoln wrote to General Burnside in July, 
 1863, " but a meager writer or telegrapher." 
 
 Grant never wrote a report until the battle was over. 
 
 President Lincoln wrote a letter to General Grant on 
 July 13th, 1863, which indicated the strength of the 
 hold the successful fighter had upon the man in the 
 White House. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 85 
 
 It ran as follows : 
 
 " I do not remember that you and I ever met per- 
 sonally. 
 
 " I write this now as a grateful acknowledgment for 
 the almost inestimable service you have done the coun- 
 try. 
 
 " I write to say a word further. 
 
 ** When you first reached the vicinity of Vicksburg, I 
 thought you should do what you finally did — march the 
 troops across the neck, run the batteries with the trans- 
 ports, and thus go below; and I never had any faith, 
 except a general hope, that you knew better than I, that 
 the Yazoo Pass expedition, and the like, could suc- 
 ceed. 
 
 " When you got below and took Port Gibson, Grand 
 Gulf and vicinity, I thought you should go down the 
 river and join General Banks; and when you turned 
 northward, east of Big Black, I feared it was a mistake. 
 
 " I now wish to make the personal acknowledgment 
 that you were right and I was wrong." 
 
 LINCOLN SAID " BY JING " 
 
 Lincoln never used profanity, except when he quoted 
 it to illustrate a point in a story. His favorite expres- 
 sions when he spoke with emphasis were " By dear ! " 
 and ** By jing! " 
 
 Just preceding the Civil War he sent Ward Lamon 
 on a ticklish mission to South Carolina. 
 
 When the proposed trip was mentioned to Secretary 
 Seward, he opposed it, saying, " Mr. President, I fear 
 you are sending Lamon to his grave. I am afraid they 
 will kill him in Charleston, where the people are ex- 
 
86 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 cited and desperate. We can't spare Lamon, and we 
 shall feel badly if anything happens to him." 
 
 Mr. Lincoln said in reply: " I have known Lamon 
 to be in many a close place, and he has never been in 
 one that he didn't get out of, somehow. By jing! I'll 
 risk him. Go ahead, Lamon, and God bless you! If 
 you can't bring back any good news, bring a palmetto." 
 
 Lamon brought back a palmetto branch, but no prom- 
 ise of peace. 
 
 THE GUN SHOT BETTER 
 
 The President took a lively interest in all new fire 
 arm improvements and inventions, and it sometimes hap- 
 pened that, when an inventor could get nobody else in 
 the Government to listen to him, the President would 
 personally test his gun. A former clerk in the Navy 
 Department tells an incident illustrative. 
 
 He had stayed late one night at his desk, when he 
 heard someone striding up and down the hall muttering: 
 " I do wonder if they have gone already and left the 
 building all alone." Looking out, the clerk was sur- 
 prised to see the President. 
 
 " Good evening," said Mr. Lincoln. " I was just 
 looking for that man who goes shooting with me some- 
 times." 
 
 The clerk knew Mr. Lincoln referred to a certain 
 messenger of the Ordnance Department who had been 
 accustomed to going with him to test weapons, but as 
 this man had gone home, the clerk offered his services. 
 Together they went to the lawn south of the White 
 House, where Mr. Lincoln fixed up a target cut from a 
 sheet of white Congressional notepaper. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 87 
 
 ** Then pacing off a distance of about eighty or a hun- 
 dred feet," writes the clerk, " he raised the rifle to a 
 level, took a quick aim, and drove the round of seven 
 shots in quick succession, the bullets shooting all around 
 the target like a Gatling gun and one striking near the 
 center. 
 
 ** * I believe I can make this gun shoot better,' said 
 Mr. Lincoln, after we had looked at the result of the 
 first fire. With this he took from his vest pocket a 
 small wooden sight which he had whittled from a pine 
 stick, and adjusted it over the sight of the carbine. 
 He then shot two rounds, and of the fourteen bullets 
 nearly a dozen hit the paper ! " 
 
 FORNINST THE GOVERNMENT 
 
 The Governor-General, with some of his principal of- 
 ficers, visited Lincoln in the summer of 1864. 
 
 They had been very troublesome in harboring block- 
 ade runners, and they were said to have carried on a 
 large trade from their ports with the Confederates. 
 
 Lincoln treated his guests with great courtesy. 
 After a pleasant interview, the Governor, alluding to 
 the coming Presidential election, said jokingly, but with 
 a grain of sarcasm, " I understand, Mr. President, that 
 everybody votes in this country. If we remain until 
 November, can we vote.^ " 
 
 " You remind me," replied the President, " of a coun- 
 tryman of yours, a green emigrant from Ireland. Pat 
 arrived on election day, and perhaps was as eager as 
 your Excellency to vote and to vote early, and late and 
 often. 
 
 " So upon landing at Castle Garden, he hastened to 
 
88 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 the nearest voting place, and, as he approached, the 
 j udge who received the ballots inquired, * Who do you 
 want to vote for? On which side are you? ' Poor Pat 
 was embarrassed, he did not know who were the candi- 
 dates. He stopped, scratched his head, then, with the 
 readiness of his countrymen, he said; 
 
 " * I am forninst the Government, any how. Tell me, 
 if your Honor plases, which is the rebellion side, and 
 I'll tell you how I want to vote. In ould Ireland, I 
 was always on the rebellion side, and, by Saint Patrick, 
 I'll do that same in America.' Your Excellency," said 
 Mr. Lincoln, ** would, I should think, not be at all at 
 a loss on which side to vote ! " 
 
 " ONE WAR AT A TIME " 
 
 Nothing in Lincoln's entire career better illustrated 
 the surprising resources of his mind than his manner of 
 dealing with '* The Trent Affair." The readiness and 
 ability with which he met this perilous emergency, in a 
 field entirely new to his experience, was worthy the 
 most accomplished diplomat and statesman. Admi- 
 rable, also, was his cool courage and self-reliance in fol- 
 lowing a course radically opposed to the prevailing 
 sentiment throughout the country and in Congress, and 
 contrary to the advice of his own Cabinet. 
 
 Secretary of the Navy Wells hastened to approve of- 
 ficially the act of Captain Wilkes in apprehending the 
 Confederate Commissioners Mason and Slidell, Secre- 
 tary Stanton publicly applauded, and even Secretary 
 of State Seward, whose long public career had made 
 him especially conservative, stated that he was opposed 
 to any concession or surrender of Mason and Slidell. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 89 
 
 But Lincoln, with great sagacity, simply said, " One 
 war at a time." 
 
 HARDTACK WANTED, NOT GENERALS 
 
 Secretary Stanton told the President the following 
 that greatly amused him, as he was especially fond of 
 a joke at the expense of some high military or civil dig- 
 nitary. 
 
 When Stanton was making a trip up the Broad 
 river in North Carolina, in a tub boat, a Federal picket 
 yelled out, " What have you got on board of that tug? " 
 
 The severe and dignified answer was, '* The Secretary 
 of War and Major-General Foster.'* 
 
 Instantly the picket roared back, " We've got Major- 
 Generals enough up here. Why don't you bring us up 
 some hardtack.^ " 
 
 CONSCRIPTING DEAD MEN 
 
 Mr. Lincoln being found fault with for making an- 
 other " call," said that if the country required it, he 
 would continue to do so until the matter stood as de- 
 scribed by a Western provost marshal, who says : 
 
 *' I listened a short time since to a butternut-clad in- 
 dividual, who succeeded in making good his escape, ex- 
 patiate most eloquently on the rigidness with which the 
 conscription was enforced south of the Tennessee River. 
 His response to a question propounded by a citizen ran 
 somewhat in this wise: 
 
 " * Do they conscript close over the river ? ' 
 
 ** * Stranger, I should think they did ! They take 
 every man who hasn't been dead more than two days ! ' 
 
90 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 "If this is correct, the Confederacy has at least a 
 ghost of a chance left." 
 
 And of another, a Methodist minister in Kansas, liv- 
 ing on a small salary, who was greatly troubled to get 
 his quarterly installment. He at last told the non- 
 peying trustees that he must have his money, as he was 
 suffering for the necessaries of life. 
 
 *' Money ! '* replied the trustees ; " you preach for 
 money .^ We thought you preached for the good of 
 souls!" 
 
 " Souls ! " responded the reverend ; " I can't eat 
 souls; and if I could it would take a thousand such as 
 yours to make a meal ! " 
 
 ** That soul is the point, sir," said the President. 
 
 " HONEST OLD ABE " 
 
 ** An old man hailing from Mississippi, dressed in 
 plain homespun, came to our city Saturday. He 
 mingled freely with the Republican Representatives, 
 got their news, and seemed to think we are not quite so 
 black as we are represented. 
 
 '* He called on Mr. Lincoln, talked freely with him, 
 and heard the President-elect express his sentiments 
 and intentions. He learned that Mr. Lincoln enter- 
 tained none but the kindest feelings towards the people 
 of the South, and that he would protect the South in her 
 just rights. 
 
 " He had a long conversation, and went away de- 
 lighted. He left the office of Mr. Lincoln in company 
 with a friend, who communicated this to us, and when 
 outside the door he remarked, while the tears stole down 
 his furrowed cheeks : * Oh ! if the people of the South 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 91 
 
 could hear what I have heard, they would love and not 
 hate Mr. Lincoln. I will tell my friends at home ; but/ 
 he added sorrowfully, * they will not believe me.' He 
 said that he did wish that every man in the South could 
 be personally acquainted with Mr. Lincoln." 
 
 LINCOLN'S REJECTED MANUSCRIPT 
 
 On February 5th, 1865, President Lincoln formulated 
 a message to Congress, proposing the payment of $400,- 
 000,000 to the South as compensation for slaves lost by 
 emancipation, and submitted it to his Cabinet, only to 
 be unanimously rejected. 
 
 Lincoln sadly accepted the decision, and filed away 
 the manuscript message, together with this indorsement 
 thereon, to which his signature was added: " February 
 5, 1865. To-day these papers, which explain them- 
 selves, were drawn up and submitted to the Cabinet 
 and unanimously disapproved by them.'* 
 
 When the proposed message was disapproved, Lincoln 
 soberly asked: " How long will the war last? " 
 
 To this none could make answer, and he added: 
 ** We are spending now, in carrying on the war, $3,000,- 
 000 a day, which will amount to all this money, besides 
 all the lives." 
 
 ^ PRESIDENT NOMINATED FIRST 
 
 The day of Lincoln's second nomination for the 
 Presidency he forgot all about the Republican National 
 Convention, sitting at Baltimore, and wandered over to 
 the War Department. While there, a telegram came, 
 
92 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 announcing the nomination of Johnson as Vice-Presi- 
 dent. 
 
 ** What/' said Lincoln to the operator, " do they 
 nominate a Vice-President before they do a President? " 
 
 " Why," replied the astonished official, " have you not 
 heard of your own nomination? It was sent to the 
 White House two hours ago." 
 
 "It is all right," replied the President; "I shall 
 probably find it on my return." 
 
 V\^OMEN PLEAD FOR PARDONS 
 
 One day during the War an attractively and hand- 
 somely dressed woman called on President Lincoln to 
 procure the release from prison of a relation in whom 
 she professed the deepest interest. 
 
 She was a good talker, and her winning ways seemed 
 to make a deep impression on the President. After lis- 
 tening to her story, he wrote a few words on a card: 
 " This woman, dear Stanton, is a little smarter than she 
 looks to be," enclosed it in an envelope and directed her 
 to take it to the Secretary of War. 
 
 On the same day another woman called, more humble 
 in appearance, more plainly clad. It was the old story. 
 
 Father and son both in the army, the former in 
 prison. Could not the latter be discharged from the 
 army and sent home to help his mother? 
 
 A few strokes of the pen, a gentle nod of the head, 
 and the little woman, her eyes filling with tears and 
 expressing a grateful acknowledgment her tongue could 
 not utter, passed out. 
 
 A lady so thankful for the release of her husband was 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 93 
 
 in the act of kneeling in thankfulness. " Get up/' he 
 said, " don't kneel to me, but thank God and go." 
 
 An old lady for the same reason came forward 
 with tears in her eyes to express her gratitude. " Good- 
 by, Mr. Lincoln/' said she; "I shall probably never 
 see you again till we meet in heaven." She had the 
 President's hand in hers, and he was deeply moved. 
 He instantly took her right hand in both of his, and, 
 following her to the door, said, " I am afraid with all 
 my troubles I shall never get to the resting-place you 
 speak of ; but if I do, I am sure I shall find you. That 
 you wish me to get there is, I believe, the best wish you 
 could make for me. Good-by." 
 
 Then the President remarked to a friend, " It is more 
 than many can often say, that in doing right one has 
 made two people happy in one day. Speed, die when 
 I may, I want it said of me by those who know me best, 
 that I have always plucked a thistle and planted a 
 flower when I thought a flower would grow." 
 
 HAD TO WAIT FOR HIM 
 
 President Lincoln, having arranged to go to New 
 York, was late for his train, much to the disgust of those 
 who were to accompany him, and all were compelled to 
 wait several hours until the next train steamed out of 
 the station. President Lincoln was much amused at the 
 dissatisfaction displayed, and then ventured the remark 
 that the situation reminded him of " ^ little story." 
 Said he: 
 
 ** Out in Illinois, a convict who had murdered his cell- 
 mate was sentenced to be hanged. On the day set for 
 the execution, crowds lined the roads leading to the spot 
 
94 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 where the scaiFold had been erected, and there was 
 much jostling and excitement. The condemned man 
 took matters coolly, and as one batch of perspiring, anx- 
 ious men rushed past the cart in which he was riding, he 
 called out, ' Don't be in a hurry, boys. You've got 
 plenty of time. There won't be any fun until I get 
 there.* 
 
 " That's the condition of things now," concluded the 
 President; " there won't be any fun at New York until 
 I get there." 
 
 HOW HOMINY WAS ORIGINATED 
 
 During the progress of a Cabinet meeting the sub- 
 ject of food for the men in the Army happened to come 
 up. From that the conversation changed to the study 
 of the Latin language. 
 
 " I studied Latin once," said Mr. Lincoln, in a casual 
 way. 
 
 " Were you interested in it? " asked Mr. Seward, the 
 Secretary of State. 
 
 " Well, yes. I saw some very curious things," was 
 the President's rejoinder. 
 
 ** What } " asked Secretary Seward. 
 
 ** Well, there's the word hominy, for instance. We 
 have just ordered a lot of that stuff for the troops. I 
 see how the word originated. I notice it came from the 
 Latin word homo — a man. 
 
 " When we decline homo, it is : 
 
 *' * Homo — a man. 
 
 " * Hominis — of man. 
 
 ** * Homini — for man.' 
 
 ** So you see, hominy, being * for man,' comes from 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 95 
 
 the Latin. I guess those soldiers who don't know Latin 
 will get along with it all right — though I won't rest 
 real easy until I hear from the Commissary Department 
 on it." 
 
 HIS IDEAS OLD, AFTER ALL 
 
 One day, while listening to one of the wise men who 
 had called at the White House to unload a large cargo 
 of advice, the President interjected a remark to the 
 effect that he had a great reverence for learning. 
 
 " This is not/* President Lincoln explained, " because 
 I am not an educated man. I feel the need of read- 
 ing. It is a loss to a man not to have grown up among 
 books." 
 
 ** Men of force/* the visitor answered, ** can get on 
 pretty well without books. They do their own thinking 
 instead of adopting what other men think." 
 
 " Yes/* said Mr. Lincoln, ** but books serve to show 
 a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very 
 new, after all.** 
 
 This was a point the caller was not willing to debate, 
 and so he cut his call short. 
 
 HE'D RUIN ALL THE OTHER CONVICTS 
 
 One of the droll stories brought into play by the 
 President as an ally in support of his contention, proved 
 most effective. Politics was rife among the generals of 
 the Union Army, and there was more ** wire-pulling *' to 
 prevent the advancement of fellow commanders than the 
 laying of plans to defeat the Confederates in battle. 
 
 However, when it so happened that the name of a par- 
 
96 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ticularly unpopular general was sent to the Senate for 
 confirmation, the protest against his promotion was al- 
 almost unanimous. The nomination didn't seem to 
 please anyone. Generals who were enemies before con- 
 ferred together for the purpose of bringing every pos- 
 sible influence to bear upon the Senate and securing the 
 rejection of the hated leader's name. The President 
 was surprised. He had never known such unanimity 
 before. 
 
 " You remind me," said the President to a delegation 
 of oflicers which called upon him one day to present a 
 fresh protest to him regarding the nomination, " of a 
 visit a certain Governor paid to the Penitentiary of his 
 State. It had been announced that the Governor would 
 hear the story of every inmate of the institution, and 
 was prepared to rectify, either by commutation or par- 
 don, any wrongs that had been done to any prisoner. 
 
 " One by one the convicts appeared before His Ex- 
 cellency, and each one maintained that he was an inno- 
 cent man, who had been sent to prison because the police 
 didn't like him, or his friends and relatives wanted his 
 property, or he was too popular, etc., etc. The last 
 prisoner to appear was an individual who was not at all 
 prepossessing. His face was against him ; his eyes were 
 shifty; he didn't have the appearance of an honest man, 
 and he didn't act like one. 
 
 ** * Well/ asked the Governor, impatiently, * I suppose 
 you're innocent like the rest of these fellows ? ' 
 
 " * No, Governor,' was the unexpected answer ; ' I 
 was guilty of the crime they charged against me, and I 
 got just what 1 deserved.* 
 
 " When he had recovered from his astonishment, the 
 Governor, looking the fellow square in the face, re- 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 97 
 
 marked with emphasis: ' I'll have to pardon you, be- 
 cause I don't want to leave so bad a man as you are in 
 the company of such innocent suiFerers as I have dis- 
 covered your fellow-convicts to be. You might cor- 
 rupt them and teach them wicked tricks. As soon as I 
 get back to the capital, I'll have the papers made out.' 
 
 " You gentlemen/' continued the President, " ought 
 to be glad that so bad a man is going to have his pro- 
 motion so you will not be contaminated by associating 
 with him," 
 
 WISHED THE ARMY CHARGED LIKE 
 THAT 
 
 A PROMINENT volunteer officer who, early in the War, 
 was on duty in Washington and often carried reports to 
 Secretary Stanton at the War Department, told a char- 
 acteristic story on President Lincoln. Said he: 
 
 " I was with several other young officers, also carry- 
 ing reports to the War Department, and one morning we 
 were late. In this instance we were in a desperate 
 hurry to deliver the papers, in order to be able to catch 
 the train returning to camp. 
 
 *' On the winding, dark staircase of the old War De- 
 partment, which many will remember, it was our misfor- 
 tune, while taking about three stairs at a time, to run a 
 certain head like a catapult into the body of the Presi- 
 dent, striking him in the region of the right lower vest 
 pocket. 
 
 " The usual surprised and relaxed grunt of a man thus 
 assailed came promptly. 
 
 ** We quickly sent an apology in the direction of the 
 dimly seen form^ feeling that the ungracious shock was 
 
98 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 expensive, even to the humblest clerk in the department. 
 
 " A second glance revealed to us the President as the 
 victim of the collision. Th'en followed a special tender 
 of * ten thousand pardons,' and the President's reply: 
 
 " * One's enough ; I wish the whole army would 
 charge like that.' " 
 
 "DID YE ASK MORRISSEY YET?" 
 
 John Morrissey, the noted prize fighter, was the 
 " Boss " of Tammany Hall during the Civil War period. 
 It pleased his fancy to go to Congress, and his obedient 
 constituents sent him there. ^lorrissey was such an ab- 
 solute despot that the New York City democracy could 
 not make a move without his consent, and many of the 
 Tammanyites were so afraid of him that they would not 
 even enter into business ventures without consulting the 
 autocrat. 
 
 President Lincoln had been seriously annoyed by 
 some of his generals, who were afraid to make the slight- 
 est move before asking advice from Washington. One 
 commander, in particular, was so cautious that he tele- 
 graphed the War Department upon the slightest pretext, 
 the result being that his troops were lying in camp doing 
 nothing, when they should have been in the field. 
 
 ** This general reminds me," the President said one 
 day while talking to Secretary Stanton, at the War De- 
 partment, " of a story I once heard about a Tammany 
 taan. He happened to meet a friend, also a member of 
 Tammany, on the street, and in the course of the talk the 
 friend, who was beaming with smiles and good nature, 
 told the other Tammanyite that he was going to be mar- 
 ried. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 99 
 
 " This first Tammany man looked more serious than 
 men usually do upon hearing of the impending happi- 
 ness of a friend. In fact, his face seemed to take on a 
 look of anxiety and worry. 
 
 " * Ain't you glad to know that I'm to get married? * 
 demanded the second Tammanyite, somewhat in a hufF. 
 
 " * Of course, I am/ was the reply ; * but/ putting his 
 mouth close to the ear of the other, * have you asked 
 Morrissey yet? ' 
 
 " Now, this general of whom we are speaking, 
 wouldn't dare order out the guard without asking Mor- 
 rissey," concluded the President. 
 
 THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY 
 
 The President noticed a small, pale, delicate looking 
 boy, about thirteen years old, among the number in 
 the ante-chamber. The President saw him standing 
 there, looking so feeble and faint, and said: "Come 
 here, my boy, and tell me what you want." The boy 
 advanced, placed his hand on the arm of the President's 
 chair, and with a bowed head and timid accents said: 
 " Mr. President, I have been a drummer boy in a regi- 
 ment for two years, and my eolonel got angry with me 
 and turned me off*. I was taken sick and have been a 
 long time in the hospital." The President discovered 
 that the boy had no home, no father — he had died in 
 the army — no mother. " I have no father, no mother, 
 no brothers, no sisters, and," bursting into tears, " no 
 friends — nobody cares for me." Mr. Lincoln's eyes 
 filled with tears, and the boy's heart was soon made glad 
 by a request to certain officials " to care for this poor 
 boy." 
 
100 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 "UNCLE ABRAHAM" HAD EVERYTHING 
 READY 
 
 " You can't do anything with them Southern fel- 
 lows," the old man at the table was saying. 
 
 "If they get whipped, they'll retreat to them South- 
 ern swamps and bayous along with the fishes and croco- 
 diles. You haven't got the fish-nets made that'll catch 
 'em." 
 
 " Look here, old gentleman/' remarked President 
 Lincoln, who was sitting alongside, " we've got just the 
 nets for traitors, in the bayous or anywhere." 
 
 "Hey.? What nets.?" 
 
 " Bayou-nets ! " and " Uncle Abraham " pointed his 
 j oke with his fork, spearing a fishbiall savagely. 
 
 A CASE WHERE LINCOLN THOUGHT 
 SHOOTING WOULD DO NO GOOD 
 
 The Hon. Mr. Kellogg, representative from Essex 
 County, N. Y., received a dispatch one evening from the 
 army to the effect that a young townsman who had been 
 induced to enlist through his instrumentality had, for a 
 serious demeanor, been convicted by a court-martial and 
 was to be shot the next day. Greatly agitated, Mr. 
 Kellogg went to the Secretary of War and urged, in the 
 strongest manner, a reprieve. Stanton was inexorable. 
 
 " Too many cases of this kind had been let off," said 
 he, " and it was time an example was made." 
 
 Exhausting his eloquence in vain, Mr. Kellogg said: 
 
 " Well, Mr. Secretary, the boy is not going to be 
 shot, of that I give you fair warning ! " 
 
 Leaving the War Department, he went directly to the 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 101 
 
 White House, although the hour was late. The sentinel 
 on duty told him that special orders had been given to 
 admit no one whatever that night. 
 
 After a long parley, by pledging himself to assume 
 the responsibility of the act, the Congressman passed 
 in. Mr. Lincoln had retired, but indifferent to etiquette 
 or ceremony, Judge Kellogg pressed his way through all 
 obstacles to his sleeping apartment. In an excited man- 
 ner he stated that the dispatch announcing the hour of 
 execution had just reached him. 
 
 " This man must not be shot, Mr. President," said 
 he. " I can't help what he may have done. Why, he 
 is an old neighbor of mine; I can't allow him to be 
 shot!" 
 
 Mr. Lincoln had remained in bed, quietly listening to 
 the protestations of his old friend (they were in Con- 
 gress together). He at length said: 
 
 *' Well, I don't believe shooting will do him any good. 
 Give me that pen." 
 
 And so saying, ** red tape " was unceremoniously cut, 
 and another poor fellow's life was indefinitely extended. 
 
 THE PRESIDENT'S OBEYING ORDERS 
 
 The President was at the battle of Fort Stevens, and 
 standing in a very exposed position, he apparently had 
 been recognized by the enemy. A young colonel of ar- 
 tillery, who appeared to be the oflficer of the day, finally 
 decided to insist on the President removing to a safer lo- 
 cation. 
 
 He walked to where the President was looking over 
 the parapet, and said, " Mr. President, you are standing 
 within range of four hundred rebel rifles. Please come 
 
102 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 down to a safer place. If you do not, it will be my duty 
 to call a file of men, and make you." 
 
 ** And you would do quite right, my boy ! " said the 
 President, coming down at once. " You are in com- 
 mand of the fort. I should be the last man to set an 
 example of disobedience ! " 
 
 THE MILLIONAIRES WHO WANTED A 
 GUNBOAT 
 
 A DELEGATION of Ncw York millionaires in 1862 
 waited on President Lincoln to request that he furnish 
 a gunboat for the protection of New York harbor. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln, after listening patiently, said, " Gentler- 
 men: The credit of the Government is at a very low 
 ebb; greenbacks are not worth more than forty or fifty 
 cents on the dollar; it is impossible for me, in the pres- 
 ent condition of things, to furnish you a gunboat, and, in 
 this condition of things, if I was worth half as much as 
 you, gentlemen, are represented to be, and as badly 
 frightened as you seem to be, I would build a gunboat 
 and give it to the Government." 
 
 They went away — but they did not build the gun- 
 boat. 
 
 STANTON CALLED LINCOLN A FOOL 
 
 Mr. Lovejoy, heading a committee of western men, 
 discussed an important scheme with the President, and 
 was then directed to explain it to Secretary Stanton. 
 Upon presenting themselves to the Secretary, and show- 
 ing the President's order, the Secretary said, " Did Lin- 
 coln give you an order of that kind? " *' He did, sir." 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN * 103 
 
 ** Then he is a d d fool," said the angry Secretary. 
 
 " Do you mean to say that the President is a d d 
 
 fooL^ " asked Lovejoy, in amazement. ** Yes, sir, if he 
 gave you such an order as that." 
 
 The bewildered Illinoisan betook himself at once to 
 the President and related the result of the conference. 
 "Did Stanton say I was a d d fool?" asked Lin- 
 coln, at the close of the recital. " He did, sir, and re- 
 peated it." After a moment's pause, and looking up, 
 
 the President said: "If Stanton said I was a d d 
 
 fool, then I must be one, for he is nearly always right, 
 and generally says what he means. I will slip over and 
 see him." 
 
 A PETITIONER'S SUDDEN CHANGE 
 OF MIND 
 
 The President was feeling indisposed, and had sent 
 for his physician, who upon his arrival informed the 
 President that his trouble was either varioloid, or mild 
 smallpox. " They're all over me. Is it contagious ? '* 
 said Mr. Lincoln. " Yes," answered the Doctor, " very 
 contagious, indeed." 
 
 "Well," said a visitor, " I can't stop. I just called 
 to see you." 
 
 " Oh, don't be in a hurry, sir," placidly said the 
 President. 
 
 " Thank you, sir; I'll call again," retreating abruptly. 
 
 " Some people," said the Executive, looking after him, 
 " said they could not take very well to my proclamation, 
 but now, I am happy to say, I have something that 
 everybody can take." 
 
104 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 LINCOLN'S MODESTY 
 
 Secretary Chase, when Secretary of the Treasury, 
 had a disagreement, and the Secretary had resigned. 
 
 The President was urged not to accept it, as ** Secre- 
 tary Chase is to-day a national necessity,'* his advisers 
 said. " How mistaken you are ! " he quietly observed. 
 " Yet it is not strange ; I used to have similar notions. 
 No ! if we should all be turned out to-morrow, and could 
 come back here in a week, we should find our places 
 filled by a lot of fellows doing just as well as we did, 
 and in many instances better. 
 
 ** As the Irishman said, * In this country one man is 
 as good as another; and, for the matter of that, very 
 often a great deal better.' No; this Government does 
 not depend upon the life of any man." 
 
 HOW YOUNG DANIEL WEBSTER ES- 
 
 CAPES A FLOGGING, AS RELATED 
 
 BY LINCOLN 
 
 Mr. Lincoln, on one occasion, narrated to Hon. Mr. 
 Odell and others, with much zest, the following story 
 about young Daniel Webster : 
 
 When quite young, at school, Daniel was one day 
 guilty of a gross violation of the rules. He was de- 
 tected in the act, and called up by the teacher for 
 punishment. This was to be the old-fashioned " fer- 
 uling " of the hand. His hands happened to be very 
 dirty. Knowing this, on the way to the teacher's desk, 
 he spit upon the palm of his right hand, wiping it off 
 upon the side of his pantaloons. 
 
 " Give me your hand, sir," said the teacher, very 
 sternly. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 105 
 
 Out went the right hand, partly cleansed. The 
 teacher looked at it a moment, and said: 
 
 ** Daniel, if you will find another hand in this school- 
 room as filthy as that, I will let you off this time." 
 
 Instantly from behind the back came the left hand. 
 ** Here it is, sir," was the ready reply. 
 
 ** That will do," said the teacher, ** for this time; you 
 can take your seat, sir." 
 
 DENNIS HANKS AT THE WHITE HOUSE 
 
 Dennis Hanks was once asked to visit Washington to 
 secure the pardon of certain persons in jail for partici- 
 pation in copperheadism. Dennis went and arrived in 
 Washington, and instead of going, as he said, to a 
 ** tavern," he went to the White House. There was a 
 porter on guard, and he asked : 
 
 "Is Abe in?" 
 
 " Do you mean Mr. Lincoln? " asked the porter. 
 
 ** Yes ; is he in there ? " and brushing the porter aside 
 he strode into the room and said, " Hello, Abe ; how are 
 you? " 
 
 And Abe said, *' Well! " and just gathered him up in 
 his arms and talked of the days gone by. 
 
 Oh, the days gone by! They talked of their boy- 
 hood days, and by and by Lincoln said: 
 
 " What brings you here all the way from Illinois ? " 
 
 And then Dennis told him his mission, and Lincoln 
 replied : 
 
 " I will grant it, Dennis, for old-times* sake. I will 
 send for Mr. Stanton. It is his business." 
 
 St<\nton came into the room, and strolled up and 
 down, and said that the men ought to be punished more 
 
106 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 than they were. Mr. Lincoln sat quietly in his chair 
 and waited for the tempest to subside, and then quietly 
 said to Stanton he would like to have the papers next 
 day. 
 
 When he had gone Dennis said: 
 
 *' Abe, if I were as big and as ugly as you are, I 
 would take him over my knee and spank him." 
 
 Lincoln replied : " No, Stanton is an able and valu- 
 able man for this nation, and I am glad to beat his 
 anger for the service he can give this nation.** 
 
 UNHEALTHY GROUP OF OFFICE 
 SEEKERS 
 
 A DELEGATION was pressing the claims of a gentleman 
 as commissioner to the Sandwich Islands. Among the 
 many points urged was that the applicant was in poor 
 health. The President closed the interview with the 
 good-natured remark : ** Gentlemen, I am sorry to say 
 that there are eight other applicants for that place, and 
 they are all sicker than your man.** 
 
 THE OLD LADY AND THE PAIR OF 
 STOCKINGS 
 
 A'n old lady from the country called on the Presi^ 
 dent, her tanned face peering out from the interior of 
 a huge sunbonnet. Her errand was to present Mr. 
 Lincoln a pair of stockings of her own make a yard 
 long. 
 
 Kind tears came to his eyes as she spoke to him, and 
 then, holding the stockings one in each hand, dangling 
 wide apart for general inspection, he assured her that 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 107 
 
 he should take them with him to Washington, where 
 (and here his eyes twinkled) he was sure he should not 
 be able to find any like them. The amusement of the 
 company was not at all diminished by Mr. Boutwell's 
 remark, that the lady had evidently made a very cor- 
 rect estimate of Mr. Lincoln's latitude and longitude. 
 
 ONE BULLET AND A HATFUL 
 
 Lincoln made the best of everything, and if he 
 couldn't get what he wanted he took what he could get. 
 In matters of policy, while President he acted accord- 
 ing to this rule. He would take perilous chances, even 
 when the result was, to the minds of his friends, not 
 worth the risk he had run. 
 
 One day at a meeting of the Cabinet, it being at the 
 time when it seemed as though war with England and 
 France could not be avoided. Secretary of State Seward 
 and Secretary of War Stanton warmly advocated that 
 the United States maintain an attitude, the result of 
 which would have been a declaration of hostilities by the 
 European Powers mentioned. 
 
 " Why take any more chances than are absolutely 
 necessary? " asked the President. 
 
 ** We must maintain our honor at any cost," insisted 
 Secretary Seward. 
 
 ** We would be branded as cowards before the entire 
 world," Secretary Stanton said. 
 
 " But why run the greater risk when we can take a 
 smaller one?" queried the President calmly. "The 
 less risk we run the better for us. That reminds me 
 of a story I heard a day or two ago, the hero of which 
 was on the firing line during a recent battle, where the 
 
108 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 bullets were flying thick. Finally his courage gave way 
 entirely, and throwing down his gun, he ran for dear 
 life. 
 
 " As he was flying along at top speed he came across 
 an officer who drew his revolver and shouted, * Go back 
 to your regiment at once or I will shoot you ! ' 
 
 Shoot and be hanged,' the racer exclaimed. 
 * What's one bullet to a whole hatful ^ ' " 
 
 NOISE LIKE A TURNIP 
 
 ** Every man has his own peculiar and particular way 
 of getting at and doing things," said President Lincoln 
 one day, " and he is often criticised because that way is 
 not the one adopted by others. The great idea is to 
 accomplish what you set out to do. When a man is suc- 
 cessful in whatever he attempts, he has many imitators, 
 and the methods used are not so closely scrutinized, al- 
 though no man who is of good intent will resort to mean, 
 underhanded, scurvy tricks. 
 
 ** That reminds me of a fellow out in Illinois, who had 
 better luck in getting prairie chickens than any one in 
 the neighborhood. He had a rusty old gun no other 
 man dared to handle; he never seemed to exert himself, 
 being listless and indiff'erent when out after game, but 
 he always brought home all the chickens he could carry, 
 while some of the others, with their finely trained dogs 
 and latest improved fowling-pieces, came home alone. 
 
 " * How is it, Jake?' inquired one sportsman, who, 
 although a good shot, and knew something about hunt- 
 ing, was often unfortunate, * that you never come home 
 without a lot of birds ? * 
 
 ** Jake grinned, half closed his eyes, and replied : 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 109 
 
 * Oh^ I don't know that there's anything queer about it. 
 I jes' go ahead an' git 'em/ 
 
 ** * Yes, I know you do; but how do you do it? ' 
 
 " * You'll tell.' 
 
 " * Honest, Jake, I won't say a word. Hope to drop 
 dead this minute.* 
 
 ** * Never say nothing, if I tell you ? * 
 
 " * Cross my heart three times.* 
 
 " This reassured Jake, who put his mouth close to the 
 ear of his eager questioner and said, in a whisper: 
 
 " * All you got to do is jes* to hide in a fence corner 
 an* make a noise like a turnip. That'll bring the chick- 
 ens every time.' ** 
 
 " PLOW ALL 'ROUND HIM " 
 
 Governor Blank went to the War Department one 
 day in a towering rage: 
 
 " I suppose you found it necessary to make large con- 
 cessions to him, as he returned from you perfectly satis- 
 fied," suggested a friend. 
 
 " Oh, no," the President replied, " I did not concede 
 anything. You have heard how that Illinois farmer 
 got rid of a big log that was too big to haul out, too 
 knotty to split, and too wet and soggy to burn. 
 
 " * Well, now,* said he, in response to the inquiries of 
 his neighbors one Sunday, as to how he got rid of it, 
 * well, now, boys, if you won't divulge the secret, I'll tell 
 you how I got rid of it — I plowed around it.' 
 
 " Now," remarked Lincoln, in conclusion, " don't tell 
 anybody, but that's the way I got rid of Governor Blank. 
 I plowed all round him, but it took me three mortal 
 hours to do it, and I was afraid every minute he*d see 
 what I was at." 
 
110 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 " I'VE LOST MY APPLE " 
 
 During a public " reception/' a farmer from one of 
 the border counties of Virginia told the President that 
 the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped them- 
 selves not only to hay, but his horse, and he hoped the 
 President would urge the proper officer to consider his 
 claim immediately. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln said that this reminded him of an old 
 acquaintance of his, " Jack " Chase, a lumberman on the 
 Illinois, a steady, sober man, and the best raftsman on 
 the river. It was quite a trick to take the logs over the 
 rapids; but he was skillful with a raft, and always kept 
 her straight in the channel. Finally a steamer was put 
 on, and " Jack "was made captain of her. He always 
 used to take the wheel, going through the rapids. One 
 day when the boat was plunging arid wallowing along 
 the boiling current, and " Jack's " utmost vigilance was 
 being exercised to keep her in the narrow channel, a boy 
 pulled his coat-tail and hailed him with : 
 
 *' Say, Mister Captain! I wish you would just stop 
 your boat a minute — I've lost my apple overboard ! " 
 
 A LONG WAY DOWN 
 
 A ** HIGH " private of the One Hundred and Fortieth 
 Infantry Regiment, Pennsylvania Volunteers, wounded 
 at Chancellorsville, was taken to Washington. One 
 day, as he was becoming convalescent, a whisper ran 
 down the long row of cots that the President was in 
 the building and would soon pass by. Instantly every 
 boy in blue who was able arose, stood erect, hands to the 
 side, ready to salute his Commander-in-Chief. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 111 
 
 The Pennsylvanian stood six feet seven inches in his 
 stockings. Lincoln was six feet four. As the Presi- 
 dent approached this giant towering above him, he 
 stopped in amazement, and casting his eyes from head 
 to foot and from foot to head, as if contemplating the 
 immense distance from one extremity to the other, he 
 stood for a moment speechless. 
 
 At length, extending his hand, he exclaimed, '* Hello, 
 comrade, do you know when your feet get cold .^ " 
 
 HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE 
 
 Ward Lamon told this story of President Lincoln, 
 whom he found one day in a particularly gloomy frame 
 of mind. Lamon said: 
 
 " The President remarked, as I came in, * I fear I 
 have made Senator Wade, of Ohio, my enemy for life.* 
 How? ' I asked. 
 
 Well,* continued the President, * Wade was here 
 just now urging me to dismiss Grant, and, in response to 
 something he said, I remarked, " Senator, that reminds 
 me of a story.'* * 
 
 " * What did Wade say? * I inquired of the President. 
 
 ** * He said, in a petulant way,* the President re- 
 sponded, * " It is with you, sir, all story, story ! You 
 are the father of every military blunder that has been 
 made during the war. You are on your road to hell, 
 sir, with this government, by your obstinacy, and you 
 are not a mile off this minute.** * 
 
 " * What did you say then ? * 
 
 *' * I good-naturedly said to him,* the President re- 
 plied, " 'Senator, that is just about from here to the 
 Capitol, is it not ? ** He was very angry, grabbed up 
 his hat and cane, and went away.* ** 
 
112 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 "WHO COMMENCED THIS FUSS?*' 
 
 President Lincoln was at all times an advocate of 
 peace, provided it could be obtained honorably and with 
 credit to the United States. As to the cause of the 
 Civil War, which side of Mason and Dixon's line was re- 
 sponsible for it, who fired the first shots, who were the 
 aggressors, etc., Lincoln did not seem to bother about; 
 he wanted to preserve the Union, above all things. 
 Slavery, he was assured, was dead, but he thought the 
 former slaveholders should be recompensed. 
 
 To illustrate his feelings in the matter he told this 
 story: 
 
 ** Some of the supporters of the Union cause are op- 
 posed to accommodate or yield to the South in any man- 
 ner or way because the Confederates began the war; 
 were determined to take their States out of the Union, 
 and, consequently, should be held responsible to the last 
 stage for whatever may come in the future. Now this 
 reminds me of a good story I heard once, when I lived in 
 Illinois. 
 
 " A vicious bull in a pasture took after everybody who 
 tried to cross the lot, and one day a neighbor of the 
 owner was the victim. This man was a speedy fellow 
 and got to a friendly tree ahead of the bull, but not in 
 time to climb the tree. So he led the enraged animal a 
 merry race around the tree, finally succeeding in seizing 
 the bull by the tail. 
 
 ** The bull, being at a disadvantage, not able to either 
 catch the man or release his tail, was mad enough to eat 
 nails ; he dug up the earth with his feet, scattered gravel 
 all around, bellowed until you could hear him for twj 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 113 
 
 PQiles or more, and at length broke into a dead run, the 
 man hanging onto his tail all the time. 
 
 " While the bull, much out of temper, was legging it 
 to the best of his ability, his tormentor, still clinging to 
 the tail, asked, * Darn you, who commenced this fuss ? * 
 
 " It's our duty to settle this fuss at the earliest pos- 
 sible moment, no matter who commenced it. That's my 
 idea of it." 
 
 • HIS " GLASS HACK " 
 
 President Lincoln had not been in the White House 
 very long before Mrs. Lincoln became seized with the 
 idea that a fine new barouche was about the proper thing 
 for " the first lady in the land." The President did 
 not care particularly about it one way or the other, and 
 told his wife to order whatever she wanted. 
 
 Lincoln forgot all about the new vehicle, and was 
 overcome with astonishment one afternoon when, hav- 
 ing acceded to Mrs. Lincoln's desire to go driving, he 
 found a beautiful barouche standing in front of the door 
 of the White House. 
 
 His wife watched him with an amused smile, but the 
 only remark he made was, ** Well, Mary, that's about the 
 slickest * glass hack ' in town, isn't it ? " 
 
 WHERE DID IT COME FROM? 
 
 " What made the deepest impression upon you ? " in- 
 quired a friend one day, " when you stood in the pres- 
 ence of the Falls of Niagara, the greatest of natural 
 wonders ? " 
 
 " The thing that struck me most forcibly when I saw 
 
114 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 the Falls/' Lincoln responded, with characteristic de- 
 liberation, " was, where in the world did all that water 
 come from.? " 
 
 EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC 
 
 An officer of low volunteer rank persisted in telling 
 and re-telling his troubles to the President on a summer 
 afternoon when Lincoln was tired and careworn. 
 
 After listening patiently, he finally turned upon the 
 man, and, looking wearily out upon the broad Potomac in 
 the distance, said in a peremptory tone that ended the 
 interview : 
 
 " Now, my man, go away, go away. I cannot meddle 
 in your case. I could as easily bail out the Potomac 
 River with a teaspoon as attend to all the details of the 
 army.'* 
 
 "AND YOU DON'T WEAR HOOPSKIRTS " 
 
 An Ohio Senator had an appointment with President 
 Lincoln at six o'clock, and as he entered the vestibule of 
 the White House his attention was attracted toward a 
 poorly clad young woman, who was violently sobbing. 
 He asked her the cause of her distress. She said she 
 had been ordered away by the servants, after vainly 
 waiting many hours to see the President about her only 
 brother, who had been condemned to death. Her story 
 was this : 
 
 She and her brother were foreigners, and orphans. 
 They had been in this country several years. Her 
 brother enlisted in the army, but, through bad influences. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 115 
 
 was induced to desert. He was captured, tried and 
 sentenced to be shot — the old story. 
 
 The poor girl had obtained the signatures of some 
 persons who had formerly known him, to a petition for a 
 pardon, and alone had come to Washington to lay the 
 case before the President. Thronged as the waiting- 
 rooms always were, she had passed the long hours of 
 two days trying in vain to get an audience, and had at 
 length been ordered away. 
 
 The gentleman's feelings were touched. He said to 
 her that he had come to see the President, but did not 
 know as he should succeed. He told her, however, to 
 follow him upstairs, and he would see what could be 
 done for her. 
 
 Just before reaching the door, Mr. Lincoln came out, 
 and, meeting his friend, said good-humoredly, *' Are you 
 not ahead of time ? " The gentleman showed him his 
 watch, with the hand upon the hour of six. 
 
 " Well," returned Mr. Lincoln, ** I have been so 
 busy to-day that I have not had time to get a lunch. 
 Go in and sit down ; I will be back directly." 
 
 The gentleman made the young woman accompany 
 him into the office, and when they were seated, said to 
 her: " Now, my good girl, I want you to muster all the 
 courage you have in the world. When the President 
 comes back, he will sit down in that armchair. I shall 
 get up to speak to him, and as I do so you must force 
 yourself between us, and insist upon his examination of 
 your papers, telling him it is a case of life and death, 
 and admits of no delay." 
 
 These instructions were carried out to the letter. Mr. 
 Lincoln was at first somewhat surprised at the apparent 
 forwardness of the young woman, but observing her dis- 
 
116 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 tressed appearance^ he ceased conversation with his 
 friend, and commenced an examination of the document 
 she had placed in his hands. 
 
 Glancing from it to the face of the petitioner, whose 
 tears had broken forth afresh, he studied its expression 
 for a moment, and then his eye fell upon her scanty but 
 neat dress. Instantly his face lighted up. 
 
 '* My poor girl,*' said he, " you have come here with 
 no Governor, or Senator, or member of Congress to 
 plead your cause. You seem honest and truthful; and 
 you don't wear hoopskirts — and I will be whipped but 
 I will pardon your brother." And he did. 
 
 " AARON GOT HIS COMMISSION " 
 
 President Lincoln was censured for appointing one 
 that had zealously opposed his second term. 
 
 He replied: ** Well, I suppose Judge E., having 
 been disappointed before, did behave pretty ugly, but 
 that wouldn't make him any less fit for the place ; and I 
 think I have Scriptural authority for appointing him. 
 
 ** You remember when the Lord was on Mount Sinai 
 getting out a commission for Aaron, that same Aaron 
 was at the foot of the mountain making a false god for 
 the people to worship. Yet Aaron got his commission, 
 you know." 
 
 STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, visitiug a hospital at Washington, 
 heard an occupant of one of the beds laughing and talk- 
 ing about the President, who had been there a short time 
 before and gladdened the wounded with some of his 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 117 
 
 stories. The soldier seemed in such good spirits that 
 
 the gentleman inquired: 
 
 " You must be very slightly wounded? " 
 
 " Yes,'* replied the brave fellow, " very slightly — » I 
 
 have only lost one leg, and I'd be glad enough to lose 
 
 the other, if I could hear some more of * Old Abe's * 
 
 stories." 
 
 THE GENERAL WAS " HEADED IN " 
 
 A Union general, operating with his command in 
 West Virginia, allowed himself and his men to be 
 trapped, and it was feared his force would be captured 
 by the Confederates. The President heard the report 
 read by the operator, as it came over the wire, and re- 
 marked : 
 
 ** Once there was a man out West who was * heading * 
 a barrel, as they used to call it. He worked like a good 
 fellow in driving down the hoops, but just about the 
 time he thought he had the job done, the head would fall 
 in. Then he had to do the work all over again. 
 
 " All at once a bright idea entered his brain, and he 
 wondered how it was he hadn't figured it out before. 
 His boy, a bright, smart lad, was standing by, very much 
 interested in the business, and, lifting the young one up, 
 he put him inside the barrel, telling him to hold the head 
 in its proper place, while he pounded down the hoops on 
 the sides. This worked like a charm, and he soon had 
 the * heading * done. 
 
 " Then he realized that his boy was inside the bar- 
 rel, and how to get him out he couldn't for his life figure 
 out. General Blank is now inside the barrel, * headed 
 in,* and the job now is to get him out." 
 
118 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 IT TICKLED THE LITTLE WOMAN 
 
 Lincoln had been in the telegraph office at Spring- 
 field during the casting of the first and second ballots 
 in the Republican National Convention at Chicago, and 
 then left and went over to the office of the State Journal, 
 where he was sitting conversing with friends while the 
 third ballot was being taken. 
 
 In a few moments came across the wires the announce- 
 ment of the result. The superintendent of the tele- 
 graph company wrote on a scrap of paper: ** Mr. Lin- 
 coln, you are nominated on the third ballot,** and a boy 
 ran with the message to Lincoln. 
 
 He looked at it in silence, amid the shouts of those 
 around him; then rising and putting it in his pocket, he 
 said quietly: ** There's a little woman down at our 
 house would like to hear this; I'll go down and tell 
 her.** 
 
 NO KIND TO GET TO HEAVEN ON 
 
 Two ladies from Tennessee called at the White House 
 one day and begged Mr. Lincoln to release their hus- 
 bands, who were rebel prisoners at Johnson's Island. 
 One of the fair petitioners urged as a reason for the 
 liberation of her husband that he was a very religious 
 man, and rang the changes on this pious plea. 
 
 ** Madam," said Mr. Lincoln, " you say your husband 
 is a religious man. Perhaps I am not a good judge of 
 such matters, but in my opinion the religion that makes 
 men rebel and fight against their government is not the 
 genuine article; nor is the religion the right sort which 
 reconciles them to the idea of eating their bread in the 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 119 
 
 sweat of other men's faces. It is not the kind to get to 
 heaven on." 
 
 Later, however, the order of release was made. Presi- 
 dent Lincoln remarking, with impressive solemnity, that 
 he would expect the ladies to subdue the rebellious spirit 
 of their husbands, and to that end he thought it would 
 be well to reform their religion. 
 
 " True patriotism," said he, " is better than the wrong 
 kind of piety." 
 
 THE APPLE WOMAN'S PASS 
 
 One day when President Lincoln was receiving 
 callers a buxom Irish woman came into the office, and, 
 standing before the President, with her hands on her 
 hips, said: 
 
 " Mr. Lincoln, can't I sell apples on the railroad ? " 
 
 President Lincoln replied: " Certainly, madam, you 
 can sell all you wish." 
 
 " But," she said, " you must give me a pass, or the 
 soldiers will not let me." 
 
 President Lincoln then wrote a few lines and gave 
 them to her. 
 
 " Thank you, sir ; God bless you ! " she exclaimed as 
 she departed joyfully. 
 
 SPLIT RAILS BY THE YARD 
 
 It was in the spring of 1830 that "Abe" Lincoln, 
 " wearing a jean jacket, shrunken buckskin trousers, a 
 coonskm cap, and driving an ox-team," became a citizen 
 of Illinois. He was physically and mentally equipped 
 for pioneer work. His first desire was to obtain a new 
 
120 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 and decent suit of clothes, but, as he had no money, he 
 was glad to arrange with Nancy Miller to make Jiim a 
 pair of trousers, he to split four hundred fence rails for 
 each yard of cloth — fourteen hundred rails in all. 
 ** Abe " got the clothes after awhile. 
 
 It was three miles from his father's cabin to her wood- 
 lot, where he made the forest ring with the sound of his 
 ax. ** Abe '* had helped his father plow fifteen acres of 
 land, and split enough rails to fence it, and he then 
 helped to plow fifty acres for another settler. 
 
 NOT AS SMOOTH AS HE LOOKED 
 
 Mr. Lincoln's skill in parrying troublesome ques- 
 tions was wonderful. Once he received a call from 
 Congressman John Ganson, of Buffalo, one of the ablest 
 lawyers in New York, who, although a Democrat, sup- 
 ported all of Mr. Lincoln's war measures. Mr. Ganson 
 wanted explanations. Mr. Ganson was very bald with 
 a perfectly smooth face. He had a most direct and ag- 
 gressive way of stating his views or of demanding what 
 he thought he was entitled to. He said : " Mr. Lin- 
 coln, I have supported all of your measures and 
 think I am entitled to your confidence. We are voting 
 and acting in the dark in Congress, and I demand to 
 know — think I have the right to ask and to know — 
 what is the present situation, and what are the prospects 
 and conditions of the several campaigns and armies." 
 
 Mr. Lincoln looked at him critically for a moment 
 and then said: ** Ganson, how clean you shave ! " 
 
 Most men would have been offended, but Ganson was 
 too broad and intelligent a man not to see the point and 
 retire at once, satisfied, from the field. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 121 
 
 "*rD A BEEN MISSED BY MYSE'F" 
 
 The President did not consider that every soldier who 
 ran away in battle, or did not stand firmly to receive a 
 bayonet charge, was a coward. He was of opinion that 
 self-preservation was the first la^w of Nature, but he 
 didn't want this statute construed too liberally by the 
 troops. 
 
 At the same time he took occasion to illustrate a point 
 he wished to make by a story in connection with a d^rky 
 who was a member of the Ninth Illinois Infantry Regi- 
 ment. This regiment was one of those engaged at the 
 capture of Fort Donelson. It behaved gallantly, and 
 lost as heavily as any. 
 
 " Upon the hurricane-deck of one of our gunboats,'* 
 said the President in telling the story, " I saw an elderly 
 darky, with a very philosophical and retrospective cast 
 of countenance, squatted upon his bundle, toasting his 
 shins against the chimney, and apparently plunged into a 
 state of profound meditation. 
 
 " As the negro rather interested me, I made some in- 
 quiries, and found that he had really been with the 
 Ninth Illinois Infantry at Donelson, and began to ask 
 him some questions about the capture of the place. 
 Were you in the fight? ' 
 
 ** * Had a little taste of it, sa.* 
 
 ** * Stood your ground, did you.^* * 
 
 V * No, sa, I runs.* 
 
 " * Run at the first fire, did you ? * 
 
 ** * Yes, sa, and would hab run soona, had I knowd it 
 War comin'.' 
 
 Why, that wasn't very creditable to your couragje.* 
 
 ** * Dat isn't my line, sa — cookin's my profeshun.* 
 
122 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ** ' Well, but have you no regard for your reputalion ? * 
 
 ** * Reputation's nuffin to me by de side ob life/ 
 
 ** * Do you consider your life worth more than other 
 people's ? * 
 
 It's worth more to me, sa.' 
 Then you must value it very highly ? ' 
 Yes, sa, I does, more dan all dis wuld, more dan a 
 a million ob dollars, sa, for what would dat be wuth to a 
 man wid de bref out ob him? Self-preservation am de 
 fust law wid me.' 
 
 ** * But why should you act upon a different rule from 
 other men ? ' 
 
 *** Different men set different values on their lives; 
 mine is not in de market.' 
 
 " * But if you lost it you would have the satisfaction 
 of knowing that you died for your country.' 
 
 ** * Dat no satisfaction when feelin's gone.* 
 
 " * Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you,^ * 
 
 ** * Nufin whatever, sa — I regard them as among the 
 vanities.* 
 
 " ' If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have 
 broken up the government without resistance.' 
 
 " * Yes, sa, dar would hab been iio help for it. I 
 wouldn't put my life in de scale 'g'inst any gobern- 
 ment dat eber existed, for no gobernment could replace 
 de loss to me.' 
 
 ** * Do you think any of your company would have 
 missed you if you had been killed } ' 
 
 " * Maybe not, sa — a dead white man ain't much to 
 dese sogers, let alone a dead nigga — but I'd a missed 
 myse'f, and dat was de p'int wid me.' 
 
 " I only tell this story," concluded the President, " in 
 order to illustrate the result of the tactics of some of the 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 123 
 
 Union generals who would be sadly ' missed * by them- 
 selves, if no one else, if they ever got out of the Army.'* 
 
 EVEN REBELS OUGHT TO BE SAVED 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Shrigley, of Philadelphia, a Univer- 
 salist, had been nominated for hospital chaplain, and a 
 protesting delegation went to Washington to see Presi- 
 dent Lincoln on the subject. 
 
 " We have called, Mr. President, to confer with you 
 in regard to the appointment of Mr. Shrigley, of Phila- 
 delphia, as hospital chaplain.*' 
 
 The President responded: " Oh, yes, gentlemen. I 
 have sent his name to the Senate, and he will no doubt 
 be confirmed at an early date." 
 
 One of the young men replied: " We have not come 
 to ask for the appointment, but to solicit you to with- 
 draw the nomination." 
 
 "Ah!" said Lincoln, "that alters the case; but on 
 what grounds do you wish the nomination withdrawn ? " 
 
 The answer was : " Mr. Shrigley is not sound in his 
 theological opinions." 
 
 The President inquired: "On what question is the 
 gentleman unsound? " 
 
 Response: " He does not believe in endless punish- 
 ment; not only so, sir, but he believes that even the 
 rebels themselves will be finally saved." 
 
 " Is that so? " inquired the President. 
 
 The members of the committee responded, " Yes, 
 yes." 
 
 " Well, gentlemen, if that be so, and there is any way 
 under Heaven whereby the rebels can be saved, then. 
 
124 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 for God's sake and their sakes^, let the man be ap'- 
 pointed." 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Shrigley was appointed, and served un- 
 til the close of the war. 
 
 TOOK NOTHING BUT MONEY 
 
 During the War Congress appropriated $10,000 to 
 be expended by the President in defending United 
 States Marshals in cases of arrests and seizures where 
 the legality of their actions was tested in the courts. 
 Previously the Marshals sought the assistance of the At- 
 torney-General in defending them, but when they found 
 that the President had a fund for that purpose they 
 sought to control the money. 
 
 In speaking of these Marshals one day, Mr. Lincoln 
 said: 
 
 " They are like a man in Illinois, whose cabin was 
 burned down, and, according to the kindly custom of 
 early days in the West, his neighbors all contributed 
 something to start him again. In his case they had been 
 so liberal that he soon found himself better off than be- 
 fore the fire, and he got proud. One day a neighbor 
 brought him a bag of oats, but the fellow refused it with 
 scorn. 
 
 ** * No,' said he, ' I'm not taking oats now. I take 
 nothing but money.' " 
 
 " HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS 
 PLACE?" 
 
 " It seems to me," remarked the President one day 
 while reading over some of the appealing telegrams sent 
 to the War Department by General McClellan, ** that 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 125 
 
 McClellan has been wandering around and has sort of 
 got lost. He's been hollering for help ever since he 
 went South — wants somebody to come to his deliver- 
 ance and get him out of the place he's got into. 
 
 " He reminds me of the story of a man out in Illinois 
 who, in company with a number of friends, visited the 
 State penitentiary. They wandered all through the in- 
 stitution and saw everything, but just about the time to 
 depart this particular man became separated from his 
 friends and couldn't find his way out. 
 
 " He roamed up and down one corridor after an- 
 other, becoming more desperate all the time, when, at 
 last, he came across a convict who was looking out from 
 between the bars of his cell-door. Here was salvation 
 at last. Hurrying up to the prisoner he hastily asked: 
 
 ** * Say ! How do you get out of this place ? ' '* 
 
 GOOD MEMORY OF NAMES 
 
 The following story illustrates the power of Mr. Lin- 
 coln's memory of names and faces. When he was a 
 comparatively young man, and a candidate for the Illi- 
 nois Legislature, he made a personal canvass of the dis- 
 trict. While " swinging around the circle " he stopped 
 one day and took dinner with a farmer in Sangamon 
 county. 
 
 Years afterward, when Mr. Lincoln had become 
 President, a soldier came to call on him at the White 
 House. At the first glance the Chief Executive said; 
 ** Yes, I remember; you used to live on the Danville 
 road. I took dinner with you when I was running for 
 the Legislature. I recollect that we stood talking out 
 at the barnyard gate while I sharpened my jack-knife.'* 
 
126 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 " Y-a-a-s," drawled the soldier, ** you did. But say, 
 "wherever did you put that whetstone ? I looked for it 
 a dozen times, but I never could find it after the day you 
 used it. We allowed as how mabby you took it 'long 
 with you." 
 
 ** No," said Lincoln, looking serious and pushing 
 away a lot of documents of state from the desk in front 
 of him. " No, I put it on top of that gatepost — that 
 high one." 
 
 " Well ! " exclaimed the visitor, " mabby you did. 
 Couldn't anybody else have put it there, and none of us 
 ever thought of looking there for it." 
 
 The soldier was then on his way home, and when he 
 got there the first thing he did was to look for the whet- 
 stone. And sure enough, there it was, just where Lin- 
 coln had laid it fifteen years before. The honest fellow 
 wrote a letter to the Chief Magistrate, telling him that 
 the whetstone had been found, and would never be lost 
 again. 
 
 WHY LINCOLN GREW WHISKERS 
 
 Perhaps the majority of people in the United States 
 don't know why Lincoln " growed " whiskers after his 
 first nomination for the Presidency. Before that time 
 his face was clean shaven. 
 
 In the beautiful village of Westfield, Chautauqua 
 county. New York, there lived, in 1860, little Grace 
 Bedell. During the campaign of that year she saw a 
 portrait of Lincoln, for whom she felt the love and rev- 
 erence that was common in Republican families, and his 
 smooth, homely face rather disappointed her. She said 
 to her mother: " I think, mother, that Mr. Lincoln 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 127 
 
 would look better if he wore whiskers, and I mean to 
 write and tell him so." 
 
 The mother gave her permission. 
 
 Grace's father was a Republican; her two brothers 
 were Democrats. Grace wrote at once to the " Hon. 
 Abraham Lincoln, Esq., Springfield, Illinois," in which 
 she told him how old she was, and where she lived; 
 that she was a Republican; that she thought he would 
 make a good President, but would look better if he 
 would let his whiskers grow. If he would do so, she 
 would try to coax her brothers to vote for him. She 
 thought the rail fence around the picture of his cabin 
 was very pretty. *' If you have not time to answer 
 my letter, will you allow your little girl to reply for 
 you } " 
 
 Lincoln was much pleased with the letter, and decided 
 to answer it, which he did at once, as follows : 
 
 " Springfield, Illinois, October 19, 1860. 
 ** Miss Grace Bedell. 
 
 "My Dear Little Miss: Your very agreeable letter of the 
 fifteenth is received. I regret the necessity of saying I have 
 no daughter. I have three sons; one seventeen, one nine and 
 one seven years of age. They, with their mother, constitute 
 my whole family. As to the whiskers, having never worn 
 any, do you not think people would call it a piece of silly 
 affectation if I should begin it now? 
 
 " Your very sincere well-wisher, A. Lincoln." 
 
 When on the journey to Washington to be inaugu- 
 rated, Lincoln's train stopped at Westfield. He rec- 
 ollected his little correspondent and spoke of her to 
 ex'Lieutenant Governor George W. Patterson, who 
 called out and asked if Grace Bedell was present. 
 
 There was a large surging mass of people gathered 
 
128 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 about the train, but Grace was discovered at a dis- 
 tance; the crowd opened a pathway to the coach, and 
 she came, timidly but gladly, to the President-elect, 
 who told her that she might see that he had allowed 
 his whiskers to grow at her request. Then, reaching 
 out his long arms, he drew her up to him and kissed 
 her. The act drew an enthusiastic demonstration of 
 approval from the multitude. 
 
 Grace married a Kansas banker, and became Grace 
 Bedell Billings. 
 
 FASCINATED BY THE WONDERFUL 
 
 Lincoln was particularly fascinated by the won- 
 derful happenings recorded in history. He loved to 
 read of those mighty events which had been foretold, 
 and often brooded upon these subjects. His early 
 convictions upon occult matters led him to read all 
 books tending to strengthen these convictions. 
 
 The following lines, in Byron's " Dream," were fre- 
 quently quoted by him: 
 
 " Sleep hath its own world, 
 A boundary between the things misnamed 
 Death and existence: Sleep hath its own world 
 And a wide realm of wild reality. 
 And dreams in their development have breath, 
 And tears and tortures, and the touch of joy; 
 They leave a weight upon our waking thoughts. 
 They take a weight from off our waking toils. 
 They do divide our being." 
 
 Those with whom he was associated in his early 
 youth and young manhood, and with whom he was 
 always in cordial sympathy, were thorough believers 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 129 
 
 in presentiments and dreams; and so Lincoln drifted 
 on through years of toil and exceptional hardship — 
 meditative, aspiring, certain of his star, but appalled 
 at times by its malignant aspect. Many times prior 
 to his first election to the Presidency he was both 
 elated and alarmed by what seemed to him a rent in 
 the veil which hides from mortal view what the future 
 holds. 
 
 He saw, or thought he saw, a vision of glory and 
 of blood, himself the central figure in a scene which 
 his fancy transformed from giddy enchantment to the 
 most appalling tragedy. 
 
 SENTINEL OBEYED ORDERS 
 
 It was a cold, blusterous winter night, says Mr. 
 C. C. Buel: 
 
 " Mr. Lincoln emerged from the front door, his 
 lank figure bent over as he drew tightly about his 
 shoulders the shawl which he employed for such pro- 
 tection; for he was on his way to the War Department, 
 at the west corner of the grounds, where in times of 
 battle he was wont to get the midnight dispatches from 
 the field. As the blast struck him he thought of the 
 numbness of the pacing sentry, and, turning to him, 
 said : ' Young man, you've got a cold j ob to-night ; 
 step inside, and stand guard there.* 
 
 " * My orders keep me out here,' the soldier re- 
 plied. 
 
 Yes,' said the President, in his argumentative 
 tone; * but your duty can be performed just as well 
 inside as out here, and you'll oblige me by going in.* 
 
130 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ** ' I have been stationed outside/ the soldier an- 
 swered, and resumed his beat. 
 
 " * Hold on there ! ' said Mr. Lincoln, as he turned 
 back again ; * it occurs to me that I am Commander- 
 in-Chief of the army, and I order you to go inside.' " 
 
 "YANKEE" GOODNESS OF HEART 
 
 One day, when the President was with the troops 
 who were fighting at the front, the wounded, both 
 Union and Confederate, began to pour in. 
 
 As one stretcher was passing Lincoln, he heard the 
 voice of a lad calling to his mother in agonizing 
 tones. His great heart filled. He forgot the crisis 
 of the hour. Stopping the carriers, he knelt, and 
 bending over him, asked: "What can I do for you, 
 my poor child } " 
 
 " Oh, you will do nothing for me," he replied. '* You 
 are a Yankee. I cannot hope that my message to my 
 mother will ever reach her." 
 
 Lincoln, in tears, his voice full of tenderest love, 
 convinced the boy of his sincerity, and he gave his 
 good-by words without reserve. 
 
 The President directed them copied, and ordered 
 that they be sent that night, with a flag of truce, into 
 the enemy's lines. 
 
 NO "SECOND COMING" FOR SPRING- 
 FIELD 
 
 Soon after the opening of Congress in 1861, Mr. 
 Shannon, from California, made the customary call 
 at the White House. In the conversation that en- 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 131 
 
 sued, Mr. Shannon said: "Mr. President, I met an 
 old friend of yours in California last summer, a Mr. 
 Campbell, who had a good deal to say of your Spring- 
 field life." 
 
 " Ah," returned Mr. Lincoln, " I am glad to hear 
 of him. Campbell used to be a dry fellow in those 
 days," he continued. ** For a time he was Secretary 
 of State. One day during the legislative vacation, a 
 meek, cadaverous-looking man, with a white neck- 
 cloth, introduced himself to him at his office, and, 
 stating that he had been informed that Mr. C. had 
 the letting of the hall of representatives, he wished 
 to secure it, if possible, for a course of kctures he de- 
 sired to deliver in Springfield. 
 
 " * May I ask,' said the Secretary, * what is to be 
 the subject of your lectures?* 
 
 " * Certainly,' was the reply, with a very solemn ex- 
 pression of countenance. * The course I wish to de- 
 liver is on the Second Coming of our Lord.' 
 
 " * It is of no use,' said C. ; * if you will take my 
 advice, you will not waste your time in this city. It 
 is my private opinion that, if the Lord has been in 
 Springfield once. He will never come the second 
 time!'" 
 
 IT WAS A FINE FIZZLE 
 
 President Lincoln, in company with General 
 Grant, was inspecting the Dutch Gap Canal at City 
 Point. " Grant, do you know what this reminds me 
 of.^ Out in Springfield, 111., there was a blacksmith 
 who, not having much to do, took a piece of soft iron 
 and attempted to weld it into an agricultural imple- 
 
132 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ment, but discovered that the iron would not hold out ; 
 then he concluded it would make a claw hammer; 
 but having too much iron, attempted to make an ax, 
 but decided after working awhile that there was not. 
 enough iron left. Finally, becoming disgusted, he 
 filled the forge full of coal and brought the iron to 
 a white heat; then with his tongs he lifted it from the 
 bed of coals, and thrusting it into a tub of water near 
 by, exclaimed : ' Well, if I can't make anything else 
 of you, I will make a fizzle, anyhow/ '* ** I was 
 afraid that was about what we had done with the 
 Dutch Gap Canal," said General Grant. 
 
 A TEETOTALER 
 
 When Lincoln was in the Black Hawk War as 
 captain, the volunteer soldiers drank in with delight 
 the jests and stories of the tall captain. JEsop's 
 Fables were given a new dress, and the tales of the 
 wild adventures that he had brought from Kentucky 
 and Indiana were many, but his inspiration was never 
 stimulated by recourse to the whisky jug. 
 
 When his grateful and delighted auditors pressed 
 this on him he had one reply: *' Thank you, I never 
 drink it.'* 
 
 SURE CURE FOR BOILS 
 
 President Lincoln and Postmaster-General Blair 
 were talking of the war. " Blair," said the President, 
 " did you ever know that fright has sometimes proven 
 a cure for boils ? " ** No, Mr. President, how is 
 that?" "I'll tell you. Not long ago when a colo- 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 1S3 
 
 nel, with his cavalry, was at the front, and the Rebs 
 were making things rather lively for us, the colonel 
 was ordered out to a reconnoissance. He was trou- 
 bled at the time with a big boil where it made horse- 
 back riding decidedly uncomfortable. He finally dis- 
 mounted and ordered the troops forward without him. 
 Soon he was startled by the rapid reports of pistols 
 and the helter-skelter approach of his troops in full 
 retreat before a yelling rebel force. He forgot every- 
 thing but the yells, sprang into his saddle, and made 
 capital time over the fences and ditches till safe within 
 the lines. The pain from his boil was gone, and the 
 boil, too, and the colonel swore that there was no 
 cure for boils so sure as fright from rebel yells.'* 
 
 WISHED JEFF WOULD SKIP 
 
 At an informal Cabinet meeting, at which the dis- 
 position of Jefferson Davis and other prominent Con- 
 federates was discussed, each member of the Cabinet 
 gave his opinion; most of them were for hanging the 
 traitors, or for some severe punishment. President 
 Lincoln said nothing. 
 
 Finally, Joshua F. Speed, his old and confidential 
 friend, who had been invited to the meeting, said, 
 " I have heard the opinion of your Ministers, and 
 would like to hear yours." 
 
 " Well, Josh," replied President Lincoln, ** when I 
 was a boy in Indiana, I went to a neighbor's house 
 one morning and found a boy of my own size holding 
 a coon by a string. I asked him what he had and 
 what he was doing. 
 
 '^' He says, ' It's a coon. Dad cotched six last night. 
 
134 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 and killed all but this poor little cuss. Dad told me 
 
 to hold him until he came back, and I'm afraid he's. 
 
 going to kill this one too; and oh, " Abe/' I do wish he 
 
 would get away ! ' 
 
 ** * Well, why don't you let him loose? * 
 
 "'That wouldn't be right; and if I let him go, 
 
 Dad would give me h — . But if he got away himself, 
 
 it would be all right.* 
 
 " Now," said the President, ** if JefF Davis and those 
 
 other fellows will only get away, it will be all right. 
 
 But if we should catch them, and I should let them 
 
 go, * Dad would give me h — ! ' " 
 
 MAJOR ANDERSON'S BAD MEMORY 
 
 Among the men whom Captain Lincoln met in the 
 Black Hawk campaign were Lieutenant-Colonel Zachary 
 Taylor, Lieutenant Jefferson Davis, President of the 
 Confederacy, and Lieutenant Robert Anderson, all of 
 the United States Army. 
 
 Judge Arnold, in his " Life of Abraham Lincoln,'* 
 relates that Lincoln and Anderson did not meet again 
 until some time in 1861. After Anderson had evacu- 
 ated Fort Sumter, on visiting Washington, he called 
 at the White House to pay his respects to the Presi- 
 dent. Lincoln expressed his thanks to Anderson for 
 his conduct at Fort Sumter, and then said: 
 
 "Major, do you remember of ever meeting me be- 
 fore?" 
 
 " No, Mr. President, I have no recollection of ever 
 having had that pleasure." 
 
 "My memory is better than yours," said Lincoln; 
 " you mustered me into the service of the United 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN' 135 
 
 States in 1832, at Dixon's Ferry, in the Black Hawk 
 
 war. 
 
 THE MAN DOWN SOUTH 
 
 An amusing instance of the President's preoccupa- 
 tion of mind occurred at one of his levees, when he 
 was shaking hands with a host of visitors passing him 
 in a continuous stream. 
 
 An intimate acquaintance received the usual con- 
 ventional hand-shake and salutation, but perceiving 
 that he was not recognized, kept his ground instead 
 of moving on, and spoke again, when the President, 
 roused to a dim consciousness that something unusual 
 had happened, perceived who stood before him, and, 
 seizing his friend's hand, shook it again heartily, say- 
 ing: 
 
 "How do you do? How do you do? Excuse me 
 for not noticing you. I was thinking of a man down 
 South." 
 
 " The man down South " was General W. T. Sher- 
 man, then on his march to the sea. 
 
 " FOOLING THE PEOPLE " 
 
 Lincoln was a strong believer in the virtue of deal- 
 ing honestly with the people. 
 
 " If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow- 
 citizens," he said to a caller at the White House, " you 
 can never regain their respect and esteem. 
 
 " It is true that you may fool all the people some 
 of the time; you can even fool some of the people all 
 the time; but you can't fool all of the people all the 
 time." 
 
136 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 SORRY FOR THE HORSES 
 
 When President Lincoln heard of the Confederate 
 raid at Fairfax, in which a brigadier-general and a 
 number of valuable horses were captured he gravely 
 observed : 
 
 ** Well, I am sorry for the horses/* 
 
 ** Sorry for the horses, Mr. President ! " exclaimed 
 the Secretary of War, raising his spectacles and throw- 
 ing ][?imself back in liis chair in astonishment. 
 
 " Yes," replied Mr. Lincoln, " I can make a briga- 
 dier-general in five minutes, but it is not easy to re- 
 place a hundred and ten horses." 
 
 A FORTUNE-TELLER'S PREDICTION 
 
 Lincoln had been born and reared among people 
 who were believers in premonitions and supernatural 
 appearances all his life, and he once declared to his 
 friends that he was " from boyhood superstitious." 
 
 He at one time said to Judge Arnold that " the near 
 approach of the important events of his life were in- 
 dicated by a presentiment or a strange dream, or in 
 some other mysterious way it was impressed upon him 
 that something important was to occur." This was 
 earlier than 1850. 
 
 It is said that on his second visit to New Orleans, 
 Lincoln and his companion, John Hanks, visited an old 
 fortune-teller — a voodoo negress. Tradition says that 
 ** during the interview she became very much excited, 
 and after various predictions, exclaimed: 'You will 
 be President, and all the negroes will be free.' " 
 
 That the old voodoo negress should have foretold 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 137 
 
 that the visitor would be President is not at all in- 
 credible. She doubtless told this to many aspiring 
 lads^ but Lincoln, so it is avowed, took the prophecy 
 seriouslv- 
 
 KEPT HIS COURAGE UP 
 
 The President, like old King Saul, when his term 
 was about to expire, was in a quandary concerning a 
 further lease of the Presidential office. He consulted 
 again the " prophetess " of Georgetown, immortalized 
 by his patronage. 
 
 She retired to an inner chamber, and, after raising 
 and consulting more than a dozen of distinguished 
 spirits from Hades, she returned to the reception-par- 
 lor, where the chief magistrate awaited her, and de- 
 clared that General Grant would capture Richmond, 
 and that *' Honest Old Abe " would be next Presi- 
 dent. 
 
 She, however, as the report goes, told him to beware 
 of Chase. 
 
 NO SUPERFLUOUS LANGUAGE 
 
 Cabinet meeting was called to consider our rela- 
 tions with England in regard to the Mason-Slidell af- 
 fair. One after another of the Cabinet presented his 
 views, and Mr. Seward read an elaborate diplomatic 
 dispatch, which he had prepared. 
 
 Finally Mr. Lincoln read what he termed ** a few 
 brief remarks upon the subject," and asked the opin- 
 ions of his auditors. They unanimously agreed that 
 our side of the question needed no more argument than 
 
1S8 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 was contained in the President's " few brief remarks.** 
 
 Mr. Seward said he would be glad to adopt the re- 
 marks, and, giving them more of the phraseology usual 
 in diplomatic circles, send them to Lord Palmerston, 
 the British premier. 
 
 ** Then,'* said Secretary Stanton, ** came the dem- 
 onstration. The President, half wheeling in his seat, 
 threw one leg over the chair-arm, and, holding the let- 
 ter in his hand, said, ** Seward, do you suppose Palmer- 
 ston will understand our position from that letter, just 
 as it is ? * 
 
 ** * Certainly, Mr. President.' 
 
 ** * Do you suppose the London Times will ? * 
 
 "'Certainly.* 
 
 " * Do you suppose the average Englishman of af- 
 fairs will ? * 
 
 " * Certainly; it cannot be mistaken in England.* 
 
 ** * Do you suppose that a hackman out on his box 
 (pointing to the street) will understand it ? * 
 
 ** * Very readily, Mr. President.* 
 
 ** * Very well, Seward, I guess we'll let her slide just 
 as she is.* 
 
 " And the letter did * slide,* and settled the whole 
 business in a manner that was effective." 
 
 WOULDN'T HOLD THE TITLE AGAINST 
 HIM 
 
 During the rebellion the Austrian Minister to the 
 United States Government introduced to the President 
 a count, a subject of the Austrian government, who 
 was desirous of obtaining a position in the American 
 army. Being introduced by the accredited Minister of 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 139 
 
 Austria he required no further reoommendation to se- 
 cure the appointment; but, fearing that his importance 
 might not be fully appreciated by the republican Presi- 
 dent, the count was particular in impressing the fact 
 upon him that he bore that title, and that his family 
 was ancient and highly respectable. 
 
 President Lincoln listened with attention, until this 
 unnecessary commendation was mentioned; then, with 
 a merry twinkle in his eye, he tapped the aristocratic 
 sprig of hereditary nobility on the shoulder in the most 
 fatherly way, as if the gentleman had made a confes- 
 sion of some unfortunate circumstance connected with 
 his lineage, for which he was in no way responsible, 
 and said: 
 
 ** Never mind, you shall be treated with just as much 
 consideration for all that. I will see to it that your 
 bearing a title shan't hurt you." 
 
 BIG ENOUGH HOG FOR HIM 
 
 To a curiosity-seeker who desired a permit to pass 
 the lines to visit the field of Bull Run, after the first 
 battle, Lincoln made the following reply: " A man in 
 Cortlandt county raised a porker of such unusual size 
 that strangers went out of their way to see it. 
 
 " One of them the other day met the old gentleman 
 and inquired about the animal. 
 
 " * Wall, yes,' the old fellow said, ' I've got such a 
 critter, mi'ty big un; but I guess I'll have to charge you 
 about a shillin* for lookin' at him.* 
 
 " The stranger looked at the old man for a minute 
 or so, pulled out the desired coin, handed it to him and 
 
140 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 started to go off. * Hold on/ said the other. * Don't 
 you want to see the hog ? ' 
 
 No/ said the stranger ; * I have seen as big a hog 
 as I want to see ! * 
 
 " And you will find that fact the case with yourself, 
 if you should happen to see a few live rebels there as 
 well as dead ones." 
 
 THE " CHICKEN " FIGHT 
 
 ** Bap." McNabb was famous for his ability in both 
 the raising and the purchase of roosters of prime fight- 
 ing quality, and when his birds fought the attendance 
 was large. It was because of the " flunking " of one 
 of " Bap.'s " roosters that Lincoln was enabled to make 
 a point when criticising McClellan's unreadiness and 
 lack of energy. 
 
 One night there was a fight on the schedule, one of 
 ** Bap." McNabb's birds being a contestant. ** Bap." 
 brought a little red rooster, whose fighting qualities had 
 been well advertised for days in advance, and much in- 
 terest was manifested in the outcome. As the result 
 of these contests, was generally a quarrel, in which 
 each man, charging foul play, seized his victim, they 
 chose Lincoln umpire, relying not only on his fairness 
 but his ability to enforce his decisions. Judge Hern- 
 don, in his " Abraham Lincoln," says of this notable 
 event : 
 
 ** I cannot improve on the description furnished me 
 in February, 1865, by one who was present. 
 
 "They formed a ring, and the time having arrived, 
 Lincoln, with one hand on each hip and in a squatting 
 position, cried, * Ready.' Into the ring they toss their 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 141 
 
 fowls, ' Bap.'s * red rooster along with the rest. But 
 no sooner had the little beauty discovered what was to 
 be done than he dropped his tail and ran. 
 
 " The crowd cheered, while * Bap./ in disappoint- 
 ment, picked him up and started away, losing his quar- 
 ter (entrance fee) and carrying home his dishonored 
 fowl. Once arrived at the latter place he threw his 
 pet down with a feeling of indignation and chagrin. 
 
 ** The little fellow, out of sight of all rivals, 
 mounted a woodpile and proudly flirting out his 
 feathers, crowed with all his might. * Bap.' looked on 
 in disgust. 
 
 *' * Yes, you little cuss,' he exclaimed, irreverently, 
 * you're great on dress parade, but not worth a darn in 
 a fight.' " 
 
 It is said, according to Judge Herndon, that Lincoln 
 considered McClellan as '* great on dress parade," but 
 not so much in a fight. 
 
 MORE LIGHT AND LESS NOISE 
 
 The President was bothered to death by those per- 
 sons who boisterously demanded that the War be 
 pushed vigorously; also, those who shouted their advice 
 and opinions into his weary ears, but who never sug- 
 gested anything practical. These fellows were not in 
 the army, nor did they ever take any interest, in a per- 
 sonal way, in military matters, except when engaged in 
 dodging drafts. 
 
 " That reminds me," remarked Mr. Lincoln one day, 
 " of a farmer who lost his way on the Western frontier. 
 Night came on, and the embarrassments of his position 
 were increased by a furious tempest which suddenly 
 
142 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 burst upon him. To add to his discomfort, his horse 
 had given out, leaving him exposed to all the dangers of 
 the pitiless storm. 
 
 " The peals of thunder were terrific, the frequent 
 flashes of lightning affording the only guide on the 
 road as he resolutely trudged onward, leading his j aded 
 steed. The earth seemed fairly to tremble beneath 
 him in the war of elements. One bolt threw him sud- 
 denly upon his knees. 
 
 " Our traveler was not a prayerful man, but finding 
 himself involuntarily brought to an attitude of devo- 
 tion, he addressed himself to the Throne of Grace in 
 the following prayer for his deliverance : 
 
 ** * O God ! hear my prayer this time, for Thou know- 
 est it is not often that I call upon Thee. And, O 
 Lord ! if it is all the same to Thee, give us a little more 
 light and a little less noise.' 
 
 " I wish," the President said, sadly, ** there was a 
 stronger disposition manifested on the part of our 
 civilian warriors to unite in suppressing the rebellion, 
 and a little less noise as to how and by whom the chief 
 executive office shall be administered." 
 
 THE PRESIDENTIAL " CHIN-FLY " 
 
 Some of Mr. Lincoln's intimate friends once called 
 his attention to a certain member of his Cabinet who 
 was quietly working to secure a nomination for the 
 Presidency, although knowing that Mr. Lincoln' was to 
 be a candidate for reelection. His friends insisted 
 that the Cabinet officer ought to be made to give up 
 his Presidential aspirations or be removed from office. 
 Tlie situation reminded Mr. Lincoln of a story: ** My 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 143 
 
 brother and I/* he said, " were once plowing corn, I 
 driving the horse and he holding the plow. The 
 horse was lazy, but on one occasion he rushed across 
 the field so that I, with my long legs, could scarcely 
 keep pace with him. On reaching the end of the fur- 
 row, I found an enormous chin-fly fastened upon him, 
 and knocked him off. My brother asked me what I 
 did that for. I told him I didn't want the old horse 
 bitten in that way. * Why,' said my brother, * that's 
 all that made him go.' Now," said Mr. Lincoln, " if 
 
 Mr. has a Presidential chin-fly biting him, I'm not 
 
 going to knock him off, if it will only make his depart- 
 ment go." 
 
 EQUINE INGRATITUDE 
 
 President Lincoln, while eager that the United 
 States troops should be supplied with the most modern 
 and serviceable weapons, often took occasion to put his 
 foot down upon the mania for experimenting with 
 which some of his generals were afflicted. While en- 
 gaged in these experiments much valuable time was 
 wasted, the enemy was left to do as he thought best, 
 no battles were fought, and opportunities for winning 
 victories allowed to pass. 
 
 The President was an exceedingly practical man, and 
 when an invention, idea or discovery was submitted to 
 him, his first step was to ascertain how any or all of 
 them could be applied in a way to be of benefit to 
 the army. As to experimenting with *■ contrivances " 
 which, to his mind, could never be put to practical use, 
 he had little patience. 
 
 " Some of these generals," said he, ** experiment 
 
144 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 so long and so much with new-fangled, fancy notions 
 that when they are finally brought to a head they are 
 useless. Either the time to use them has gone by, or 
 the machine, when put in operation, kills more than it 
 cures. 
 
 " One of these generals, who has a scheme for ' con- 
 densing ' rations, is willing to swear his life away that 
 his idea, when carried to perfection, will reduce the cost 
 of feeding the Union troops to almost nothing, while 
 the soldiers themselves will get so fat that they'll ' bust 
 out ' of their uniforms. Of course, uniforms cost noth- 
 ing, and real fat men are more active and vigorous than 
 lean, skinny ones, but that is getting away from my 
 story. 
 
 " There was once an Irishman — a cabman — who 
 had a notion that he could induce his horse to live en- 
 tirely on shavings. The latter he could get for noth- 
 ing, while corn and oats were pretty high-priced. So 
 he daily lessened the amount of food to the horse, sub- 
 stituting shavings for the corn and oats abstracted, so 
 that the horse wouldn't know his rations were being 
 cut down. 
 
 " However, just as he had achieved success in his ex- 
 periment, and the horse had been taught to live with- 
 out other food than shavings, the ungrateful animal ' up 
 and died,' and he had to buy another." 
 
 TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS 
 
 A GENTLEMAN statcs in a Chicago journal: " In the 
 winter of 1864, after serving three years in the Union 
 Army, and being honorably discharged, I made applica- 
 tion for the post sutlership at Point Lookout. My 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 145 
 
 father being interested, we made application to Mr. 
 Stanton, then Secretary of War. 
 
 *' We obtained an audience, and were ushered into 
 the presence of the most pompous man I ever met. 
 As I entered he waved his hand for me to stop at a 
 given distance from him, and then put these questions, 
 viz.: 
 
 " * Did you serve three years in the army? ' 
 
 " ' I did, sir.' 
 
 ** * Were you honorably discharged ? ' 
 
 " * I was, sir.' 
 
 ** * Let me see your" discharge.* 
 
 " I gave it to him. He looked it over, then said : 
 
 ** * Were you ever wounded ? * 
 
 " I told him yes, at the battle of Williamsburg, May^ 
 5, 1861. 
 
 " He then said : * I think we can give this position* 
 to a soldier who has lost an arm or leg, he being more 
 deserving * ; and he then said I looked hearty and 
 healthy enough to serve three years more. He would 
 not give me a chance to argue my case. 
 
 " The audience was at an end. He waved his hand 
 to me. I was then dismissed from the august presence 
 of the Honorable Secretary of War. 
 
 " My father was waiting for me in the hallway, who 
 €aw by my countenance that I was not successful. I 
 said to my father: 
 
 ** * Let us go over to Mr. Lincoln ; he may give us 
 more satisfaction.* 
 
 ** He said it would do me no good, but we went over. 
 Mr. Lincoln's reception room was full of ladies and 
 gentlemen when we entered. 
 
U6 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 " My turn soon came. Lincoln turned to my father 
 and said: 
 
 Now, gentlemen, be pleased to be as quick as pos- 
 sible with your business, as it is growing late.' 
 
 " My father then stepped up to Lincoln and intro- 
 duced me to him. Lincoln then said : 
 
 Take a seat, gentlemen, and state your business 
 as quickly as possible.* 
 
 ** There was but one chair by Lincoln, so he mo- 
 tioned my father to sit, while I stood. My father 
 stated the business to him as stated above. He then 
 said: 
 
 " * Have you seen Mr. Stanton ? * 
 
 ** We told him yes, that he had refused. He (Mr. 
 Lincoln) then said: 
 
 " ' Gentlemen, this is Mr. Stanton's business ; I can- 
 not interfere with him; he attends to all these matters 
 and I am sorry I cannot help you.* 
 
 " He saw that we were disappointed, and did his 
 best to revive our spirits. He succeeded well with my 
 father, who was a Lincoln man, and who was a staunch 
 Republican. 
 
 " Mr. Lincoln then said: 
 
 " ' Now, gentlemen, I will tell you what it is ; I have 
 thousands of applications like this every day, but we 
 cannot satisfy all for this reason, that these posi- 
 tions are like office seekers — there are too many pigs 
 for the teats.* 
 
 ** The ladies who were listening to the conversation 
 placed their handkerchiefs to their faces and turned 
 away. But the joke of * Old Abe * put us all in a good 
 humor. We then left the presence of the greatest and 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 147 
 
 most just man who ever lived to fill the Presidential 
 chair/' 
 
 MENACE TO THE GOVERNMENT 
 
 The persistence of office-seekers nearly drove Presi- 
 dent Lincoln wild. They slipped in through the half- 
 opened doors of the Executive Mansion; they dogged 
 his steps if he walked; they edged their way through 
 the crowds and thrust their papers in his hands 
 when he rode; and, taking it all in all, they well-nigh 
 worried him to death. 
 
 He once said that if the Government passed through 
 the Rebellion without dismemberment there was the 
 strongest danger of its falling a prey to the rapacity of 
 the office-seeking class. 
 
 " This human struggle and scramble for office, for a 
 way to live without work, will finally test the strength 
 of our institutions," were the words he used. 
 
 TROOPS COULDN'T FLY OVER IT 
 
 On April 20th, a delegation from Baltimore ap- 
 peared at the White House and begged the President 
 that troops for Washington be sent around and not 
 through Baltimore. 
 
 President Lincoln replied, laughingly: ** If I grant 
 this concession, you will be back to-morrow asking that 
 no troops be marched * around * it." 
 
 The President was right. That afternoon, and again 
 on Sunday and Monday, committees sought him, pro- 
 testing that Maryland soil should not be " polluted " 
 by the feet of soldiers marching against the South. 
 
148 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 The President had but one reply : '* We must have 
 troops, and as they can neither crawl under Maryland 
 nor fly over it, they must come across it." 
 
 REBUKING A DOCTOR 
 
 Dr. Jerome Walker, of Brooklyn, told how Mr. 
 Lincoln once administered to him a mild rebuke. The 
 doctor was showing Mr. Lincoln through the hospital 
 at City Point. 
 
 " Finally, after visiting the wards occupied by our 
 invalid and convalescing soldiers," said Dr. Walker, 
 " we came to three wards occupied by sick and wounded 
 Southern prisoners. With a feeling of patriotic duty, I 
 said: ' Mr. President^, you won't want to go in there; 
 they are only rebels.' 
 
 " I will never forget how he stopped and gently laid 
 his large hand upon my shoulder and quietly answered, 
 * You mean Confederates ! ' And I have meant Con- 
 federates ever since. 
 
 " There was nothing left for me to do after the 
 President's remark but to go with him through these 
 three wards; and I could not see but that he was just 
 as kind, his hand-shakings just as hearty, his interest 
 just as real for the welfare of the men, as when he was 
 among our own soldiers." 
 
 NO ROCKEFELLER , • 
 
 In February, 1860, not long before his nomination 
 for the Presidency, Lincoln made several speeches in 
 Eastern cities. To an Illinois acquaintance, whom he 
 met at the Astor House, in New York, he said : 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 149 
 
 " I have the cottage at Springfield, and about three 
 thousand dollars in money. If they make me Vice- 
 President with Seward, as some say they will, I hope 
 I shall be able to increase it to twenty thousand, and 
 that is as much as any man ought to want." 
 
 OUTRAN THE RABBIT 
 
 Mr. Lincoln enjoyed the description of how this 
 Congressman led the race from Bull's Run, and laughed 
 at it heartily. 
 
 ** I never knew but one fellow who could run like 
 that/* he said, ** and he was a young man out in Illi- 
 nois. He had been sparking a girl, much against the 
 wishes of her father. In fact, the old man took such a 
 dislike to him that he threatened to shoot him if he ever 
 caught him around his premises again. 
 
 ** One evening the young man learned that the girl's 
 father had gone to the city, and he ventured out to the 
 house. He was sitting in the parlor, with his arm 
 around Betsy's waist, when he suddenly spied the old 
 man coming around the corner of the house with a shot- 
 gun. Leaping through a window into the garden, he 
 started down a path at the top of his speed. He was 
 a long-legged fellow, and could run like greased light- 
 ning. Just then a jack-rabbit jumped up in the path 
 in front of him. In about two leaps he overtook the 
 rabbit. Giving it a kick that sent it high in the air, he 
 exclaimed : * Git out of the road, gosh dern you, and 
 let somebody run that knows how.' 
 
 " I reckon," said Mr. Lincoln, ** that the long-legged 
 Congressman, when he saw the rebel muskets, must 
 have felt a good deal like that young fellow did when 
 he saw the old man's shot-gun." 
 
150 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 IDENTIFIED THE COLORED MAN 
 
 Many applications reached Lincoln as he passed 
 to and from the White House and the War Depart- 
 ment. One day as he crossed the park he was stopped 
 by a negro, who told him a pitiful story. The Presi- 
 dent wrote him out a check, which read: ** Pay to col- 
 ored man with one leg five dollars.'* 
 
 OFFICE SEEKERS WORSE THAN WAR 
 
 When the Republican party came into power, Wash- 
 ington swarmed with office-seekers. They overran the 
 White House and gave the President great annoyance. 
 The incongruity of a man in his position, and with the 
 very life of the country at stake, pausing to appoint 
 postmasters, struck Mr. Lincoln forcibly. ** What is 
 the matter, Mr. Lincoln," said a friend one day, when 
 he saw him looking particularly grave and dispirited. 
 ** Has anything gone wrong at the front ? '* 
 
 ** .No," said the President, with a tired smile. *' It 
 isn't the war; it's the postoffice at Brownsville, Mis- 
 souri.'* 
 
 WELCOMED THE LITTLE GIRLS 
 
 At a Saturday afternoon reception at the White 
 House, many persons noticed three little girls, poorly 
 dressed, the children of some mechanic or laboring 
 man, who had followed the visitors into the White 
 House to gratify their curiosity. They passed around 
 from room to room, and were hastening through the re- 
 ception-room, with some trepidation, when the Presi- 
 dent called to them: 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 151 
 
 " Little girls, are you going to pass me without shak 
 ing hands? " 
 
 Then he bent his tall, awkward form down, and 
 shook each little girl warmly by the hand. Everybody 
 in the apartment was spellbound by the incident, so 
 simple in itself. 
 
 SLEEP STANDING UP 
 
 McClell^n was a thorn in Lincoln's side — " al- 
 ways up in the aii-," as the President put it — and yet 
 he hesitated to remove him. " The Young Napoleon ** 
 was a good organizer, but no fighter. Lincoln sent him 
 everything necessary in the way of men, ammunition, 
 artillery and equipments, but he was forever unready. 
 
 Instead of making a forward movement at the time 
 expected, he would notify the President that he must 
 have more men. These were given him as rapidly as 
 possible, and then would come a demand for more 
 horses, more this and that, usually winding up with a 
 demand for still " more men." 
 
 Lincoln bore it all in patience for a long time, but 
 one day, when he had received another request for more 
 men, he made a vigorous protest. 
 
 " If I gave McClellan all the men he asks for," said 
 the President, ** they couldn't find room to lie down. 
 They'd have to sleep standing up." 
 
 " CAN'T SPARE THIS MAN " 
 
 One night, about eleven o'clock, Colonel A. K. Mc- 
 Clure, whose intimacy with President Lincoln was so 
 great that he could obtain admittance to the Executive 
 Mansion at any and all hours., called at the White 
 
152 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 House to urge Mr. Lincoln to remove General Grant 
 from command. 
 
 After listening patiently for a long time, the Presi- 
 dent, gathering himself up in his chair, said, with the 
 utmost earnestness: 
 
 " I can't spare this man; he fights ! '* 
 
 In relating the particulars of this interview. Colonel 
 McClure said: 
 
 ** That was all he said, but I knew that it was 
 enough, and that Grant was safe in Lincoln's hands 
 against his countless hosts of enemies. The only man 
 in all the nation who had the power to save Grant was 
 Lincoln, and he had decided to do it. He was not in- 
 fluenced by any personal partiality for Grant, for they 
 had never met. 
 
 *' It was not until after the battle of Shiloh, fought 
 on the 6th and 7th of April, 1862, that Lincoln was 
 placed in a position to exercise a controlling influence 
 in shaping the destiny of Grant. The first reports 
 from the Shiloh battle-field created profound alarm 
 throughout the entire country, and the wildest exaggera- 
 tions were spread in a floodtide of vituperation against 
 Grant. 
 
 " The few of to-day who can recall the inflamed con- 
 dition of public sentiment against Grant caused by the 
 disastrous first day's battle at Shiloh will remember 
 that he was denounced as incompetent for his command 
 by the public journals of all parties in the North, and 
 with almost entire unanimity by Senators and Congress- 
 men, regardless of political affinities. 
 
 " I appealed to Lincoln for his own sake to remove 
 Grant at once, and in giving my reasons for it I simply 
 voiced the admittedly overwhelming protest from the 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 153 
 
 loyal people of the land against Grant's continuance in 
 command. 
 
 " I did not forget that Lincoln was the one man who 
 never allowed himself to appear as wantonly defying 
 public sentiment. It seemed to me impossible for him 
 to save Grant without taking a crushing load of con- 
 demnation upon himself; but Lincoln was wiser than 
 all those around him, and he not only saved Grant, but 
 he saved him by such well-concerted effort that he soon 
 won popular applause from those who were most 
 violent in demanding Grant's dismissal.*' 
 
 JEFF DAVIS AND CHARLES THE FIRST 
 
 Jefferson Davis insisted on being recognized by his 
 official title as commander or President in the regular 
 negotiation with the Government. This Mr. Lincoln 
 would not consent to. 
 
 Mr. Hunter thereupon referred fo the correspondence 
 between King Charles the First and his Parliament as 
 a precedent for a negotiation between a constitutional 
 ruler and rebels. Mr. Lincoln's face then wore that in- 
 describable expression which generally preceded his 
 hardest hits, and he remarked : *' Upon questions of 
 history, I must refer you to Mr. Seward, for he is 
 posted in such things, and I don't profess to be; but 
 my only distinct recollection of the matter is, that 
 Charles lost his head." 
 
 A GENERAL BUSTIFICATION 
 
 Many amusing stories are told of President Lincoln 
 and his gloves. At about the time of his third recep- 
 tion he had on a tight-fitting pair of white kids, which 
 
154 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 he had with difficulty got on. He saw approaching in 
 the distance an old Illinois friend named Simpson, 
 whom he welcomed with a genuine Sangamon county 
 (Illeenoy) shake, which resulted in bursting his white 
 kid glove, with an audible sound. Then, raising his 
 brawny hand up before him, looking at it with an in- 
 describable expression, he said, while the whole proces- 
 sion was checked, witnessing this scene : 
 
 " Well, my old friend, this is a general bustification. 
 You and I were never intended to wear these things. 
 If they were stronger they might do well enough to 
 keep out the cold, but they are a failure to shake hands 
 with between old friends like us. Stand aside. Cap- 
 tain, and I'll see you shortly.** 
 
 Simpson stood aside, and after the unwelcome cere- 
 mony was terminated he rejoined his old Illinois friend 
 in familiar intercourse. 
 
 THE DOG WAS AHEAD 
 
 Lincoln said one day, just after one of his bragging 
 generals had been soundly thrashed by the Confeder- 
 ates: 
 
 " These fellows remind me of the fellow who owned 
 a dog which, so he said, just hungered and thirsted to 
 combat and eat up wolves. It was a difficult matter, 
 so the owner declared, to keep that dog from devoting 
 the entire twenty-four hours of each day to the der 
 struction of his enemies. He just * hankered * to get 
 at them. 
 
 ** One day a party of this dog-owner*s friends 
 thought to have some sport. These friends heartily 
 disliked wolves, and were anxious to see the dog eat 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 155 
 
 op a few thousand. So they organized a hunting party 
 and invited the dog-owner and the dog to go with them. 
 They desired to be personally present when the wolf- 
 killing was in progress. 
 
 " It was noticed that the dog-owner was not over- 
 enthusiastic in the matter ; he pleaded a * business en- 
 gagement/ but as he was the most notorious and torpid 
 of the town loafers, and wouldn't have recognized a 
 * business engagement ' had he met it face to face, his 
 excuse was treated with contempt. Therefore he had 
 to go. 
 
 ** The dog, however, was glad enough to go, and so 
 the party started out. Wolves were in plenty, and 
 goon a pack was discovered, but when the ' wolf- 
 hound ' saw the ferocious animals he lost heart, and, 
 putting his tail between his legs, endeavored to slink 
 away. At last — after many trials — he was enticed 
 into the small growth of underbrush where the wolves 
 had secreted themselves, and yelps of terror betrayed 
 the fact that the battle was on. 
 
 " Away flew the wolves, the dog among them, the 
 hunting party following on horseback. The wolves 
 seemed frightened, and the dog was restored to public 
 favor. It really looked as if he had the savage 
 creatures on the run, as he was fighting heroically when 
 last sighted. 
 
 ** Wolves and dog soon disappeared, and it was not 
 until the party arrived at a distant farmhouse that news 
 of the combatants was gleaned. 
 
 " * Have you seen anything of a wolf-dog and a 
 pack of wolves around here?* was the question anx- 
 iously put to the male occupant of the house, who stood 
 idly leaning upon the gate. 
 
156 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 ** * Yep/ was the short answer. 
 
 ** * How were they going? ' 
 
 '* * Purty fast.' 
 
 ** * What was their position when you saw them ? * 
 Well,' replied the farmer, in a most exasperatingly 
 deliberate way, * the dog was a leetle bit ahead.' 
 
 " Now, gentlemen," concluded the President, " that's 
 the position in which you'll find most of these bragging 
 generals when they get into a fight with the enemy. 
 That's why I don't like military orators." 
 
 GRANT " TUMBLED " RIGHT AWAY 
 
 General Grant told this story about Lincoln some 
 years after the War: 
 
 " Just after receiving my commission as lieutenant- 
 general the President ^called me aside to speak to me 
 privately. After a brief reference to the military situa- 
 tion, he said he thought he could illustrate what he 
 wanted to say by a story. Said he: 
 
 ** * At one time there was a great war among the ani- 
 mals, and one side had great difficulty in getting a 
 commander who had sufficient confidence in himself. 
 Finally they found a monkey by the name of Jocko, 
 who said he thought he could command their army if 
 his tail could be made a little longer. So they got 
 more tail and spliced it on to his caudal appendage. 
 
 " * He looked at it admiringly, and then said he 
 thought he ought to have still more tail. This was 
 added, and again he called for more. The splicing 
 process was repeated many times until they had coiled 
 Jocko's tail around the room, filling all the space.. 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN 157 
 
 ** * Still he called for more tail, and, there being no 
 other place to coil it, they began wrapping it around his 
 shoulders. He continued his call for more, and they 
 kept on winding the additional tail around him until 
 its weight broke him down.' 
 
 " I saw the point, and, rising from my chair, replied, 
 * Mr. President, I will not call for any more assistance 
 unless I find it impossible to do with what I already 
 have.' " 
 
 FIVE-LEGGED CALF 
 
 President Lincoln had great doubt as to his right 
 to emancipate the slaves under the War power. In dis- 
 cussing the question, he used to liken the case to that of 
 tBe boy who, when asked how many legs his calf would 
 ha^C if he called its tail a leg, replied, " five," to which 
 the prompt response was made that calling the tail a leg 
 would not make it a leg. 
 
 INCIDENT IN LINCOLN'S LAST SPEECH 
 
 Edward, the conservative but dignified butler of the 
 White House, was seen struggling with Tad and trying 
 to drag him back from the window from which was 
 waving a Confederate flag captured in some fight and 
 given to the boy. Edward conquered and Tad, rush- 
 ing to find his father, met him coming forward to 
 make, as it proved, his last speech. 
 
 The speech began with these words, ** We meet this 
 evening, not in sorrow, but in gladness of heart." 
 Having his speech written in loose leaves, and being 
 
158 WIT AND HUMOR OF 
 
 compelled to hold a candle in the other hand, he would 
 let the loose leaves drop to the floor one by one. Tad 
 picked them up as they fell;, and impatiently called for 
 more as they fell from his father's hand. 
 
 LINCOLN'S LAST AFTERNOON 
 
 During the afternoon the President signed a pardon 
 for a soldier sentenced to be shot for desertion, remark- 
 ing as he did so, " Well, I think the boy can do us more 
 good above ground than under ground." 
 
 He also approved an application for the discharge on 
 taking the oath of allegiance, of a rebel prisoner, in 
 whose petition he wrote, " Let it be done." 
 
 This act of mercy was his last official order. 
 
 LINCOLN'S RELIGION 
 
 He once remarked to a friend that his religion was 
 like that of an old man named Glenn, in Indiana, 
 whom he heard speak at a church meeting, and who 
 said, " When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I 
 feel bad; and that's my religion." 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln herself has said that Mr. Lincoln had 
 no faith — no faith, in the usual acceptance of those 
 words. "He never joined a church; but still, as I 
 believe, he was a religious man by nature. He first 
 seemed to think about the subject when our boy Willie 
 died, and then more than ever about the time he went 
 to Gettysburg; but it was a kind of poetry in his 
 nature, and he never was a technical Christian.** 
 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN" 159 
 
 LINCOLN'S SPEECH AT GETTYSBURG 
 
 Delivered at the dedication of the Gettysburg Na- 
 tional Cemetery on the Gettysburg battle-field, No- 
 vember 19, 186S: 
 
 "Ladies and Gentlemen: Four score and seven 
 years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent 
 a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the 
 proposition that all men are created equal. Now we 
 are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that 
 nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, 
 can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field 
 of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of 
 that field as a final resting-place for those who here 
 gave their lives that that nation might live. It is alto- 
 gether fitting and proper that we should do this. 
 
 " But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we can- 
 not consecrate, we cannot hallow, this ground. The 
 brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have 
 consecrated it far above our power to add or detract. 
 The world will little note, or long remember, what we 
 say here ; but it can never forget what they did here. 
 
 ** It is for us, the living, rather to be dedicated here 
 to the unfinished work which they who fought here 
 have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to 
 be here dedicated to the great task remaining before 
 us, that from these honored dead we take increased 
 devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full 
 measure of devotion; that we here highly resolve that 
 these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation, 
 under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that 
 Government of the people, by the people, and for 
 the people, shall not perish from the earth." 
 
AMERICAN SELECTIONS 
 
 PATRIOTIC AND HOLIDAY 
 RECITATIONS 
 
 FOR INDEPENDENCE, FLAG, IVIEIVIORIAL AND ARMISTICE DAYS. 
 
 WASHINGTON'S, LINCOLN'S, AND GRANT'S BIRTHDAYS. 
 
 ARBOR, VALENTINE, LABOR, COLUMBUS, THANKSGIVING DAYS. 
 
 EASTER, CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR 
 
 • 
 
 AN AMERICAN'S CREED JES FORE CHRISTMAS 
 
 THE PEOPLE'S SONG OF PEACE PLEDGE TO THE FLAG 
 
 BIRTHDAY OF THE FLAG TO-DAY 
 
 EZEKIAH STUBEN'S ORATION I AM JUST AMERICAN 
 
 4th OF JULY AT RIPTON AMERICA (with music) 
 
 JES PLAIN TORPEDOES THE TREE 
 
 JUST WHAT HE WANTED WHAT THE DRUMS SAY 
 
 BOY'S ESSAY ON COLUMBUS SETTIN THE FLAGS 
 
 WHY HE WOULDN'T DIE SOMEBODY'S DARLING 
 
 A PRAYER FOR AMERICA UNION AND LIBERTY 
 
 THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER INDEPENDENCE BELL 
 
 HOW COLUMBUS FOUND AMERICA JULY 4th, 1776 
 
 BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC "SIttS NOBLEMEN 
 
 UNION LINKED WITH LIBERTY E2^ i™,.<..^ m «^ 
 
 THE LITTLE HATCHET STORY I^mLnJc'rlppn 
 
 BALLAD OF THE COLORS JUST So YOUR bp^t 
 
 THE BLUE AND THE GRAY RMjPsVn^^ 
 
 A SOLDIER'S OFFERING ?5e FLAG GOES BY 
 
 HIS MOTHER'S SONGS THE AMERICAN FLAG 
 
 THE UNKNOWN SPEAKER THE EAGLE SCREAMS 
 
 THE HONOR OF LABOR FLANDERS FIELD 
 
 JUSTICE, NOT CHARITY HYMN FOR AIRMEN 
 
 LINCOLN'S GETTYSBURG ADDRESS, AND OTHERS 
 HISTORY OF THE STARS AND STRIPES 
 THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE 
 
 THE ARTICLES OF CONFEDERATION 
 
 CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES 
 
 U. S. BILL OF RIGHTS AND LATER AMENDMENTS 
 
 FAMOUS AMERICAN PHRASES BY GREAT AMERICANS 
 
 STORY OF THE NATIONAL EMBLEM 
 
 The Above Boolt of 192 Pages Sent Post-Paid Upon Receipt 
 
 of 25 cents. U. S. Stamps Accepted. 
 
 MAX STEIN PUB. HOUSE 521 South State Street CHICAGO, ILL. 
 
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS-URBANA 
 
 973.7L63B2ST34A C001 
 
 ABE LINCOLN'S JOKES CHGO 
 
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