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 FACES FOR FORTUNES.
 
 FACES FOE FOKTUNES. 
 
 BT 
 
 AUGUSTUS MAYHEW, 
 
 ADTHOR OF " PAVED WITH GOLD ," ETC., BTC. , ETC. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 TINSLEY BROTHERS, 18, CATHERINE ST., STRAND. 
 
 1865. 
 
 [Tfie Eight of TransUUlon is reserved.]
 
 LONDON : 
 BRADBURY AKP KVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
 
 > 
 
 i . 
 i 
 
 
 ^J^ 
 
 '^3 
 
 V. i 
 
 4 HENRY VIZETELLY, 
 
 A FRIEND OF MAKY YEARS, 
 
 ®:^s §oak k g^bicat^ir 
 
 THE AUTHOK. 
 
 Old Hall, Beelet, 
 January 20th, lS6c
 
 PEEFACE. 
 
 There is no sound in this world so 
 beautiful as the laughter of women. In 
 the hope of hearing it this book was 
 written.
 
 FACES FOE FORTUNES 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Ceneus was a Thessalian gentleman of high 
 standing, not only in the social circle but es- 
 pecially on his fine legs. Handsome, rich, and 
 light-hearted, he found the world a pleasant 
 place, which amply rewarded him for the exer- 
 tion of living. He flourished 2000 years ago, in 
 the days when Neptune ruled the waves — before 
 Britannia was fit to accept office. 
 
 Ceneus from his earliest infancy had expe- 
 rienced the caprices of fortune. His life com- 
 bined the extremes of romance with the height of 
 eccentricity. 
 
 Nature had not originally intended that Ceneus 
 should wear whiskers and topboots ; she had 
 marked him out for hair-pins and flounces. At 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 Ji FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 liis birth, lie was declared, by competent autho- 
 rity, to be a lovely girl, and up to his (her) 
 seventeenth year was vastly admired for his (her) 
 modesty, grace, complexion, and back hair. His 
 (her) maiden name was Coenis. 
 
 Coenis, we learn from the printed report of this 
 extraordinary case, was indebted to Neptune for 
 the strange metamorphosis which made a little 
 man of her. It is also related that before the 
 sea-god emancipated her from petticoatdom, 
 he, in the handsomest manner, made her invul- 
 nerable, lest her female acquaintance, mad with 
 envy at her sudden promotion, should attempt his 
 (her) life. 
 
 This extraordinary transformation was hailed 
 by the Philosophical Society of the period with 
 transports of the wildest delight. A grand tea- 
 meeting and muffin festival was instantly or- 
 ganised. At last, cried the studious, there was 
 some likelihood of obtaining from a competent 
 authority an explanation of the different emotions 
 which agitate the female mind, and instituting a 
 sound metaphysical comparison between them and 
 the sensations which, ever since man came into
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 3 
 
 fashion, have played such fearful gooseberr}^ with 
 the masculine bosom. 
 
 We are indebted to the deep researches of the 
 ingenious and painstaking Todbusker for the 
 little we know concerning these important inves- 
 tigations. When the high-standing Ceneus was 
 asked what had been the principal subject of his 
 meditations during his earliest girlhood, he at 
 once replied " Marriage ! " On being requested 
 to mention the predominating thoughts of his 
 maiden state, he again answered " Marriage ! " 
 Enquiry being made as to the fancies and aspira- 
 tions of his brain when grown to be a fine woman, 
 he unhesitatingly exclaimed " More Marriage ! " 
 To quote the words of the learned Todbusker : 
 " This repetition, though monotonous, conduces 
 to reflection." 
 
 If we turn to the elaborate studies of that 
 ponderous thinker, De Wagtaille, we find his 
 lights to be confirmatory of the theory propounded 
 by Ceneus. In the eighth volume of his work, 
 *' On Woman," we meet with this passage : — '' To 
 the ordinary observer a mother toying with her 
 (female) child is but as a hen clucking to its 
 
 B 2
 
 4 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 chick ; but the pliilosoi)her, in an instant, detects 
 tlie business of lier mind. As she dances her 
 (female) babe into the air she is calculating the 
 chances of its marriage ; as she points her finger 
 at its dimples to coax the smile, she wonders with 
 whom it will marry ; as she nurses it to sleep on 
 lier bosom she reckons how soon the marriage 
 will take place. Maternal love is in such haste 
 to have its hopes confirmed, that before the infant 
 hath left off its long clothes she sees it in bridal 
 array; before it can walk alone she beholds it 
 clinging to its supporter for life.^^ It may be 
 interesting to add, that De Wagtaille was so 
 strongly opposed to early marriages, that even 
 in his seventy-third year we find him yet 
 single. 
 
 In his most sprightly moments, De Wagtaille 
 is but a gloomy writer ; his observations on the 
 ecstatic bliss of wedded life are unwholesomely 
 cold, and his descriptions of home comfort are 
 offensively dismal. 
 
 We much prefer to them the lively effusions of 
 the gay and hopeful Spratmirt. His enthusiasm 
 has all the charms of intoxication. In his un-
 
 FACES FOU FORTUNES. 5 
 
 clyiDg "Woman Considered," he treats of marriage 
 in its mercantile sense. " If he be rich," he 
 cries, " what better purchase is there than love ? 
 If the wealth be in her pocket, then she hath 
 a double security for his affection, through his 
 gratitude and comfort.^^ This passage has been 
 much quoted by the poor of both sexes. Its 
 success was doubtless the occasion of the spiteful 
 addition made to it by the otherwise not unamiable 
 Bungyille, who, complaining that the sentence 
 was incomplete, added, "And if neither have 
 substance, then they have both folly, for two 
 must starve on that which was not an existence 
 for one ; and if both are wealthy, why marry ? " 
 How so conscientious an author as Bungville 
 could stumble into such reckless absurdity must 
 ever be a marvel to the charitable, especially as 
 he is known to have been thrice a bridegroom. 
 
 Angry with the fussy grumblers of the Bung- 
 ville school, we turn from them with impatience. 
 To deprecate that which the entire world approves, 
 because our own experience does not agree with 
 tlie assertions of the many, may indeed be ac- 
 cepted as a confession of misfortune, but our
 
 6 FACES FOR FOllTUNES. 
 
 opinion is at once deprived of its preponderance. 
 How is it, we would ask those grumpy Bungvilles, 
 — how is it, if marriage is so unpleasant a con- 
 dition of life, how is it that the judgment of the 
 legislature considers it necessary to restrict man 
 to one helpmate ? Man, unrestrained, would 
 rush madly on, and, like the Mormon or the 
 Mussulman, consider his domestic arrangements 
 incomplete, unless, like his tea-things, a dozen 
 made up his service. 
 
 To calm our minds let us turn to Dr. Johnson 
 and take a little refreshment. " Sir," he ohserved 
 to Mr. Boswell (we quote from memory), "mar- 
 riage is much more necessary to a man than to a 
 woman, for he is much less able to supply him- 
 self with domestic comforts. I have often won- 
 dered why young women should marry, as they 
 have so much more freedom and so much more 
 attention paid them while unmarried than when 
 married." Boswtell : " Is not love, to a cer- 
 tain degree, a delusion in us, as well as in w^oman ? 
 I don't know but there is, upon the whole, more 
 misery than happiness produced by that passion.^' 
 Johnson : " I don't think so, Sir." Boswell :
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 7 
 
 " Do you speak from personal experience, Sir ? " 
 Johnson (puffing and blowing) : '' WI13' , no, Sir. 
 I accept universal experience. I have never 
 hung myself. Sir, but I appreciate its conse- 
 cution." 
 
 We have now reached the great question which 
 inspired us to draw the pen and wade elbow-deep 
 in ink, in defence of woman's trampled rights. 
 Since all wise men proclaim that wedlock in- 
 creases happiness, why do not our bachelors 
 incline to wisdom and get married ? If home 
 comfort cannot be complete without a wife, why 
 do our youths i^ersist in being uncomfortable ? 
 Why should single washstands disgrace so many 
 dressing-rooms ? Why should the one pillow, 
 the one breakfast-cup, the one dinner-plate, the 
 one arm-chair, render so many habitations con- 
 temptible ? 
 
 Is it difficult to get a wife ? Frivolous excuse ! 
 We can, even in our small circle of friends, point 
 out twenty families where no reasonable offer 
 would be refused ; where gushing love would meet 
 and encourage the timid approach; carriage 
 families, footmen families, opera-box families.
 
 H FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 connexions that would be invaluable to suitors in 
 the medical or legal professions. 
 
 We could mention fifty heart-rending cases 
 where beauty, talent, and excellent blood have 
 lingered and hoped until the first gray hair has 
 warned them all beauty must die; ^Ye can re- 
 member glorious eyes that flashed fire enough to 
 frighten gun-shy rooks, around which, alas ! the 
 crow's foot now has left its mark ; we have known 
 fine amiable creatures, whose smile would have 
 illuminated a coal-cellar, who now sit scowling 
 over the selfishness of man ; we have danced with 
 lovely beings with little plaything feet in bab}' 
 honbonniere boots ; we have listened to creamy 
 voices whose " Good day " was worth a " brava," 
 and whose singing would charm snakes ; we have 
 watched the gilding pencil held by hands so small 
 a watch might have borrowed them : and what 
 remains of all these perfections ? Nothing ! 
 The feet are large, the voices broken, the hands 
 swollen, and the disappointed spinsters sit crouch- 
 ing by the fire and say it is a bad world, whilst 
 the papas reckon up how much it cost to make 
 their girls attractive, and wish their time had
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. U 
 
 to come over again and the money were once 
 more in their pockets. 
 
 We could, we sa}^ understand these mournful 
 matrimonial statistics, if the maidens of England 
 were deficient in personal attractions, — if, for 
 instance, the poor dear creatures resembled the 
 unpleasant Blemmyes of antiquity, who had no 
 heads, but carried their eyes and mouths in their 
 bosoms ; or, indeed, were they afflicted, as were 
 the natives of Abarimon, whose toes grew, most 
 inconveniently, behind their heels ; for, to our 
 fancy, neither of these formations is admirable. 
 Or we could account for this adherence to single 
 life if our men were unworthy of love through 
 their ignoble proportions, as was the case with 
 the unfortunate Brotheus, whose deformities were 
 so abominable, that he was disgusted with him- 
 self ; or more particularly did our males resemble 
 that disagreeable nobleman of dark complexion 
 (mentioned by the Eev. Joseph Wolff, D.D., the 
 celebrated traveller), who, poor man, was afflicted 
 with a tail; " and people of high rank have told 
 me," says the Doctor of Divinity, " that he and 
 his family were known to have tails; and there-
 
 10 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 fore in his carriage there was a hole in the seat 
 where he sat, in order that he might be able to 
 sit comfortably."* 
 
 But how contrary to this is the happy truth. 
 Our women are lovely as Callirrhoe, that fortu- 
 nate virgin of Calyclon, who had ten thousand 
 suitors; they could show faces with the bewil- 
 dering Aristoclea, whose lovers always killed one 
 another ; whilst our men excel even the perfect 
 Tithonus, whom Aurora loved, and Narcissus, 
 had he seen them, need not have looked on the 
 stream. They are the children of valour and 
 strength ; they have the brass of a Colossus and 
 can roar like Stentor. 
 
 After many sleepless nights passed in the 
 deepest cogitation, we have, we flatter ourselves, 
 discovered the cause of this unwholesome per- 
 sistence in dogged celibacy. The simple truth 
 is, that we no longer live in the time of the great 
 Samuel Johnson. The world has grown clever 
 since he wrote that the necessity of marriage was 
 
 * The Doctor has forgotten to add, what to us is quite as 
 extraordinary, that the affliction was not simply confined to 
 the members of this noble family, but that the estates were 
 also en-tailed.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 11 
 
 that man was less able to supply himself with 
 domestic comforts than woman. With poor hard- 
 working fellows the rule still holds good ; but 
 with your young bloods of fortune it is absurd 
 to apply such a pot-and-kettle argument. 
 
 Young Tom, the carpenter, takes unto himself 
 a wife that his twelve-o^ clock dinner may be hot 
 and waiting for him; but young Aristo knows 
 that at his club he can taste dishes w^hich no fair 
 Eosamond could concoct. Tom is kindest to his 
 dear when the hearth is clean swept and supper 
 ready ; Aristo would have to renounce his palace 
 and its luxury if Lady Eosamond were queen of 
 his drawing-room. 
 
 So long as the gay bachelor had to trust to the 
 ordinary for his food and the tavern for his com- 
 pany, he might well sigh for the comforts of 
 wedlock ; but now he is emancipated from the 
 tyranny of burnt meats and the lonely evening. 
 To cook his dainties Signor Salmi turns back his 
 wristbands, — Signor Salmi, who wears diamond 
 rings and keeps a brougham. The club furniture 
 is richer than even that of my lord (his papa), 
 the servants are more numerous, the librarj'-, the
 
 12 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 billiard room, the cigars and coffee infinitely 
 superior to anything fair Rosamond could ima- 
 gine. There is company of the best and most 
 renowned dons, carefully selected as dessert fruit 
 notables without a black ball against their cha- 
 racters. We are more civilized now than when 
 the learned Samuel laid down the law ; man can 
 now supply himself with comforts much better 
 than woman, and at such a cheap rate that he 
 shies at a church steeple, and only makes love 
 to tease the girls and pass the time pleasantly. 
 
 Then if a wife is no longer a necessity, how 
 can men be made to marry ? 
 
 Into what a tempest of thought does the con- 
 templation of this subject i)lunge us. We foresee 
 the end of England, we foretell the break-up of 
 society, and the gradual dying out of a noble 
 people. Soon marriage will be limited to the 
 carpenter Toms, and the clean-hearth people. 
 Poor dear souls connubially inclined will not 
 dare to risk the penalties of the happy state ; 
 for what a fearful and disheartening prospect is 
 it for a man to picture himself the father of a 
 dozen fine girls who stick on his hands worse
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 13 
 
 than wai-ts, because no *' charms " can get rid of 
 them. Any man of sensibility must shrink from 
 such an ordeal, — to see these loved beings one 
 by one retreat hopeless and heartbroken from 
 dance and fete, to behold the nose pinched, the 
 once ripe lips that pouted forth as if to meet the 
 kiss half-way, now shrivelled as a raisin ; the 
 creamy laugh now cruelly churned from its 
 butter; the lovely shoulders, throat, and figure 
 — all gone ! gone ! 
 
 Such pictures, we insist, are indeed too terrible 
 for the susceptible to contemplate, and well may 
 any man of tenderness refuse to submit his feel- 
 ings to such prostrating shocks. Therefore, it 
 is clear that the reprehensible selfishness of our 
 young men is not only the cause of their own 
 celibacy, but actually prevents the connubial 
 from gratifying their virtuous impulses ; hence 
 it is evident that as marriage is the mother of 
 nations, our population must rapidly decrease, 
 and our proud position as a people be so 
 forfeited that the first ambitious potentate 
 who cares to invade dear England, will only 
 find old men and old maids to grumble at his
 
 14 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 victorious progress. Certainly a fearful state of 
 things ! 
 
 Another extremely forcible argument in favour 
 of all our young men being forced, by fair means 
 or by foul, into changing a five-pound note at 
 Doctors' Commons is, that our commerce and 
 manufactures depend largely upon marriage for 
 their prosperity. 
 
 Little children must be clothed. Manchester 
 steps gracefully forward with its sweet little 
 X)ocket-hanks and pinafores; Dunstable ami- 
 ably offers its little bonnet and Coventry 
 its little ribbons ; whilst Spitalfields nobly 
 prepares the Sunday frock of silk. Our ships 
 fly from one end of the world to the other for 
 the life-sustaining arrowroot; our bakers pre- 
 pare the salutary tops and bottoms. Brides must 
 be arrayed, wives are fond of becoming garments. 
 Are honest workmen to starve because foolish 
 and obstinate youths prefer to lead the lives of 
 spiders ? Let our drapers and our milliners see 
 to it, and that promptly. We know of no other 
 motive that w^ould justify a civil war. Should 
 a mob of Lancashire operatives, assisted by a
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 15 
 
 crowd of starving weavers, reinforced, by an army 
 of vicious sempstresses, march on London, it is 
 no more than any reasonable poUtical economist 
 ought to expect. 
 
 A good doctor has no business to describe the 
 malady, unless he can prescribe the remedy. 
 There is yet time for physic to do its duty. The 
 medicine is simple and pleasant though rather 
 expensive, but warranted to cure. If man can 
 be no longer forced into marriage by his necessi- 
 ties, he may at least be coaxed up the church 
 steps by his pleasures. Chloroform him with 
 enjoyment, and then remove the Adam's rib and 
 make to him a wife. No absurd qualms of 
 conscience should restrain the fond mother from 
 following our advice ; the happiness of her 
 daughter should predominate over any reproaches 
 of worldly manoeuvring. We but call upon her 
 to speculate wisely for a nett profit of joy, and 
 not to gamble wickedly for big gains of dubious 
 delights. 
 
 What matter how peace, comfort, and happi- 
 ness be smuggled into the home, so that they gain • 
 a footing there ? We shall be near, to help and
 
 16 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 defend the abused parent ; we shall be near, to 
 parry satire and slay with warm invective ; for 
 we have ourself a large family, and our eldest is 
 thinner than we like to see her — poor girl.
 
 CHAPTEK II. 
 
 A SHORT ESSAY ON LOVE AND ITS TOKENS, CON- 
 TAINING SEVERAL HINTS OF GREAT VALUE. 
 
 We veij much doubt if anj^ man who is capable 
 of writing a dictionary could give a proper defi- 
 nition of love : it is not in liis nature. We have 
 looked into five or six volumes by eminent lexi- 
 cographers, and it is witli sorrow that we are 
 forced to state, that, from their explanations, 
 they appear to have known nothing about the 
 delightful sensation ; a fact the more to be 
 regi'etted, because four of them were married 
 men. 
 
 Could anybody imagine a writer of dictionaries 
 making love ? Of course not — no more than you 
 can picture up a lawyer writing poetry, or an 
 undertaker feeding a bab}^, or a butcher keeping 
 a pet lamb from disinterested motives. 
 
 Let us, for the fun of the thing, suppose the
 
 18 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 great Dr. Johnson pajdng his addresses to a 
 young lady. All the time he would be studying 
 himself more than her, endeavouring to find out 
 what his feelings were like, and bothering his 
 head as to how he should express them in neat 
 and concise terms, so as to fabricate a new defi- 
 nition in the next edition of his dictionary. 
 
 According to the good Doctor (we refer more 
 particularly to the shilling edition of his immortal 
 work), Love is a passion, friendship, kindness, or 
 silk stuff. He might just as well have added, a 
 ventriloquist, an apple, or a drink. We should 
 like to see the curious textile fabric he refers to. 
 AYe have frequently heard of a love of a dress, 
 but never of a dress of love ; w^e have also often 
 known plenty of stuff to be passed off as love, 
 but although it was of a silky nature, still it was 
 not silk. We are at the present moment ac- 
 quainted with a gentleman who is courting his 
 fourth wife, and as silk dresses enter largely into 
 his ideas of paying his addresses, perhaps his 
 notions about love coincide with the definition of 
 Dr. Johnson. 
 
 The Rev. James Barklay, who, thirty years
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 19 
 
 ago, published an excellent dictionary (with a 
 frontispiece of Britannia listening with great 
 delight to the book being read aloud to her by 
 Science), states that love is the ardent desire or 
 passion which is excited at the sight of any object 
 that appears amiable. 
 
 We beg to differ from the reverend gentle- 
 man, for a friend of ours fell in love with, and 
 was ultimately united to, a young lady, who was, 
 and still is, as unamiable as possible. During 
 his courtship, she invariably snubbed him ; in- 
 deed, was always saying harsh and unpleasant 
 things. As the donkey loves thistles, so did he 
 this unpleasant lady, for some mysterious and 
 unknown reason. Since their marriage, he has 
 suffered a martyrdom, which began with a 
 struggle for a latchkey, and has ever since 
 been continued up by housekeeping expenses. 
 
 Shakspeare, who appears to have known every- 
 thing from spelling up to metaphysics and moral 
 philosophy, was intimately acquainted with the 
 emotion of love. In the " Two Gentlemen of 
 Verona," he makes Speed give the following 
 
 diagnosis of the malady : — 
 
 c 2
 
 20 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 ** Valentine. — Why, how know you that I am in love ? 
 
 " Speed. — Marry, by these special marks: First, you have 
 learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms like a mal- 
 content ; to relish a love song like a Robin-redbreast ; to 
 walk alone like one that had the pestilence ; to sigh like a 
 school-boy that had lost his A B C ; to weep like a young 
 M-ench that had buried her grandam ; to fast like one that 
 takes diet ; to watch like one that fears robbing ; to speak 
 puling like a beggar at Hallow-mass. You were wont, 
 when you laughed, to crow like a cock ; when you walked 
 to walk like one of the lions ; when you fasted, it was pre- 
 sently after dinner ; when you looked sadly, it was for want 
 of money ; and now you are metamorphosed with a mis- 
 tress, that, when I look on you, I can hardly think you are 
 my master." 
 
 Which means, that lovers are thoughtful, 
 silent, and sentimental: that they prefer soli- 
 tude and lose their appetites. But these symp- 
 toms only declare themselves in ver}^ desperate 
 cases, such as when the young lady is possessed 
 of great wealth, and the young gentleman is 
 objected to, because he has not a farthing and is 
 out of employment; or where the damsel is 
 wonderfully beautiful and the youth is spurned 
 because he has had the small-pox twice, and 
 each time been severely marked. 
 
 Samuel Daniel, a poet, who wrote in the year 
 1590, has bequeathed to the world a sweet song
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 21 
 
 about Love, which is useful as a proof that our 
 forefathers knew nothing about it : — 
 
 '' Love is a sickness full of woes 
 All remedies refusing — 
 A plant that most with cutting grows, 
 Most barren with best using ! 
 Why so ? 
 More we enjoy it, more it dies — 
 If not enjoyed, it sighing cries 
 Heigh ho I 
 
 *' Love is a torment of the mind, 
 A tempest everlasting ! 
 And Jove hath made it of a kind, 
 Not well, nor full, nor lasting — 
 Why so ? 
 More we enjoy it, more it dies — 
 If not enjoyed, it sighing cries 
 Heigh ho ! " 
 
 We infinitely prefer the theory of love con- 
 tained in all fairy tales, where, when a fond pair 
 are united, instead of their love decreasing and 
 dying, they " live happily all the days of their 
 life." 
 
 It is rather distressing that we have not been 
 able to give a precise definition of love, because, 
 as it necessarily forms the principal portion of 
 the subject of this chapter, it would have enabled
 
 22 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 US to treat the ceremony of presenting its tokens 
 with greater vigour and certainty. 
 
 Woman's mission on earth is of course to 
 inspire love, with the ultimate object of getting 
 married. That there are great difficulties to be 
 overcome before this end can be attained, is 
 proved by the lamentable number of spinsters 
 who figure in the census returns. In vain do 
 milliners bring over the latest Parisian fashions 
 — in vain are extra breadths added to the already 
 luxuriant skirt — in vain is the hair worn in a 
 thousand different styles; for neither curiously- 
 cut bodices, nor a figure like a diving-bell, nor 
 hair brushed from the forehead, produce the 
 desired result. This may, in a great measure, 
 be traced to our having allowed some of our 
 ancient customs to die out. That of giving 
 Love Tokens on the 20th August was a very 
 wise and far-seeing plan for settling young ladies 
 in life, and would, we are certain, if revived, 
 enable a mamma, with a large family of girls, to 
 get rid of them as rapidly as the delicious pine- 
 apple at a penny a slice. 
 
 It was the custom in England, a long time
 
 FACES FOPw FOllTUNES. 23 
 
 ago, for '•' enamoured ma.3^des and gentilwomen " 
 to give to their favourite swains, as toicens of 
 their love, little handkerchiefs, about three or 
 four inches square, wrought round about, often 
 in embroidery, with a button or tassel at each 
 corner, and a small one in the centre. The finest 
 of these favours were edged with narrow gold 
 lace or twist ; and then, being folded up in four 
 cross folds, so that the middle might be seen, 
 they were worn by the accepted lovers in their 
 hats, or on the breast. These favours became 
 at last so much in vogue, that they were sold 
 ready made (0 shame !) in the shops, in Queen 
 Elizabeth's time, from sixpence to sixteen-pence 
 apiece. 
 
 In the first place, this custom was extremely 
 judicious, and should be revived, because, al- 
 though the declaration of love ought, according 
 to the opinion of the world, to come first from 
 the gentleman, still a graceful hint, such as that 
 of giving a love token (especially when edged 
 with gold), has the effect of saving much valuable 
 time by telling the swain in an indirect manner, 
 that his advances would be favourably received.
 
 f24 FACES FOIl FORTUNES. 
 
 and that lie need not despair of success if only 
 moderatel}^ impertinent. Besides, it is a con- 
 fession that the lad}- admires him, and we always 
 feel an aifectiuu for those who think well of ns. 
 
 The reason why widows so often marry again, 
 is because in the c-reater number of instances 
 they conduct the courtship. What chance of 
 escape has a man when a " gentilwoman " with 
 even a moderate amount of charms attacks him 
 with half-implied avowals of affection ? Can a 
 more brutal picture be imagined than that of a 
 youth of delicate mind and poetic temperament 
 allowing a young lady, owning a pair of eyes like 
 twinkling stars, to look up into his face whilst she 
 pins on his bosom a high-priced sixteen-penny 
 love token, and yet brutally restraining his inevi- 
 table feelings ? No ! such a man would hesi- 
 tatingly inquire on which days she with the 
 twinkling eyes went out walking alone; and 
 meeting her in some quiet lane, he would, in a 
 voice very much out of breath, tremblingly call 
 her by her Christian name, and having nervously 
 stated the amount of his income, inquire whether 
 she thought it was sufficient to be shared by two.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 25 
 
 Has any gentleman among our readers ever had 
 tlie bow of his neck-kerchief kindly arranged for 
 liim by a pair of soft white hands ? What have 
 been his sensations ? Has he not turned hot 
 and cold by turns ? has he not felt suddenly 
 giddy, and seen wedding rings floating before his 
 eyes ? These are not theories, but facts that any 
 philosopher will certify and explain. They are 
 caused by a sudden tightening of the blood- 
 vessels of the heart, brought on by a difficulty 
 of drawing the breath, the result of some violent 
 emotion. 
 
 In the second place, this custom was a judicious 
 one, because these tokens were worn by the 
 gentlemen openty in the streets, in their hats, or 
 on their breasts. Now, when once a youth has 
 done this, he has no chance of escape. The big 
 brother, the strong father, or bold uncle, has a 
 right to interfere as soon as he observes a tend- 
 ency on the part of the swain to decamp and 
 break off the courtship. " Sir,'^ he might say, 
 '^ you have in the broad light of day, paraded 
 before the world the love token given you by my 
 sister " (daughter, or niece, as the case may be) ;
 
 26 FACES FOR FOinUNES. 
 
 "you liave ever3^wliei'e declared tli at j'ou were her 
 accepted lover, and now j^ou would meanl}^ break 
 off the match," and with the shaking of a horse- 
 whip, or a hint at pistols, the truant swain would 
 be forced to retui'u to the deserted fair one. 
 
 Now-a-days, if no letters — written in the red- 
 hot style so necessary in cases of breach of 
 promise — have passed between the loving pair, 
 relations can obtain no sufficient testimony of 
 the blackness of the swain's conduct to justify 
 them in using threats and thick sticks. 
 
 There was, however, one portion of this custom 
 of giving love tokens which we consider to have 
 been completely unnecessary, to use no harsher 
 term. 
 
 It appears that tokens were also given by the 
 gentlemen to their fair mistresses, but instead of 
 the before-mentioned moderatel}^ priced sixteen- 
 penny handkerchiefs, they were expected to con- 
 sist of golden ear-rings, cleverly wrought into 
 fantastic and graceful forms, and also of bracelets 
 ornamented with precious stones, such as dia- 
 monds of large size and value, rubies, emeralds, 
 and pearls, of good colour and high price. In
 
 FACES FOR FOKTUNES. 27 
 
 those days, the blessings of Birmingham jewel- 
 lery were not known, neither had science unveiled 
 the wonders of electro-plating. 
 
 These costly presents are wrong, because when 
 youths are in love they lose a great portion of 
 their intellects, and we all know that fools and 
 their money soon part. We knew a man whose 
 brain was once affected by love, and he, during 
 Ms courtship, presented the lady of his choice 
 with so much jewellery that he nearly ruined 
 himself, that she very j)roperly discarded him for 
 his extravagance, saying that, though she would 
 keep the presents as mementoes of the happy 
 days they had passed, yet his recklessness was 
 such that she felt she could never be happy with 
 so improvident a creature, and it was better for 
 them to part.
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 A SHORT CHAPTER, CROWDED WITH C0:MF0RT, 
 RELATING TO WEDDINGS, THEIR CUSTOMS 
 AND CEREMONIES. 
 
 At what age does a girl begin first to tliink of a 
 husband ? From personal observation we should 
 say, when she is about five years old. We have 
 heard little things, hardly able to feed themselves 
 without using their fingers, chatter, in the most 
 natural manner possible, of their approaching 
 weddings, and the kind of husbands they were to 
 bless. They must pick up their notions from 
 the nurses or the fairy tales, or, — wonderful pre- 
 cocity! — they may come naturally, like long back 
 hair and smooth chins. 
 
 Supposing you were to take a female infant as 
 soon as it was weaned, and to lock it up in a room 
 by itself, never allowing anybody to go near it, ex- 
 cepting a maiden lady of a severely acid turn of
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 29 
 
 mind, who could pickle cucumbers by looking at 
 them, and hated men as a monkey does red pepper; 
 would a female infant brought up under these 
 ch-cumstances live to be ten without uttering 
 the word husband ? We would wager a pint of 
 shrimps against all the fish in the sea, that she 
 would do it before she were nine. Nevertheless, 
 it would be a very interesting experiment, and 
 we only wish we knew anj^body who would be 
 kind enough to lend us a baby to try the experi- 
 ment. We know where to find the maiden lad}'. 
 She is fifty, does her hair up in crackers, and 
 lives on tea. 
 
 Ask a boy of fourteen what are his notions of 
 matrimony. If he condescends to give you a 
 civil answer, you will be shocked to find that his 
 ideas are of a mercenary character, and run upon 
 a rich old widow who will die soon after their 
 union, and leave him to spend, as he likes, the 
 immense fortune he will inherit. 
 
 But put a similar question to a young damsel 
 of the same tender age ; she will blush at first, 
 but if you do not laugh and frighten her, she will 
 soon give you a half- sentimental description of
 
 80 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the delights of wedlock, includmg a mmute 
 account of how the house is to be furnished, 
 what is to be served for dinner ever}^ day, and 
 the parties and theatres that are to enliven 
 the evenings. Certainly, there are a few young 
 ladies who vow to lead a single life, so that they 
 may never leave their dear parents ; but they 
 invariably outgrow these mental deformities, in 
 the same w^ay that they outgrow weak ankles and 
 irregular teeth. Perhaps they only make the 
 vow in the hope that some bold youth may put 
 them to the test. 
 
 Between sixteen and eighteen is, of course, the 
 most critical period in a young lady's existence ; 
 she is so full of affection, that she must love 
 something. Many obtain a great relief in writing 
 sonnets to daisies and violets, but their affections 
 usually centre themselves upon a small pet dog 
 or a bird ; their hearts are like champagne in 
 India, ready to pop and go ofT at the slightest 
 opportunity. 
 
 We knew a damsel of fifteen who was seize(i 
 with a violent and secret passion for the aged 
 curate of the parish church, and passed half her
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 31. 
 
 time in a lonely summer-house, knitting reel 
 worsted night- caps to keep his darling bald head 
 warm. Another young lady of our acquaintance 
 was taken dangerously ill with a maddening love 
 for a portrait of Mr. Charles Kemble in the 
 character of Othello, and, after having destroyed 
 wdth her tears five proof impressions, was only 
 cured of her romantic attachment by the dis- 
 gusting flavour of the strengthening medicine 
 her alarmed relatives insisted upon forcing down 
 her throat. 
 
 We have also been told of the daughter of a 
 West Indian planter, who was left at school 
 during the holidays, and being of a nery dispo- 
 sition, employed her leisure time by becoming 
 deepl}' enamoured of the young man who was 
 engaged to clean the boots and knives of th& 
 establishment, and if he had not been arrested 
 for stealing the plate, she might possibly have 
 sought his blacking-stained hand in marriage. 
 As it was, she always asserted that he was the 
 victim of a base conspiracy, and sent him, car- 
 riage paid, a jar of hot pickles to console him in. 
 his prison hours.
 
 32 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 One proof that tlie thoughts of j'oung ladies 
 are constantly running upon the j^ouths they 
 are to, or would wish to, marry, is to he found 
 in the long list of ceremonies they have from 
 time immemorial indulged in, to discover the 
 name, income, and personal appearance of their 
 intended lords. We could, if we liked, fill a 
 volume with these divining customs ; but to prove 
 the truth of what we assert, we will merely 
 mention four or five of them. 
 
 On Allhallow Eve, for instance, they used to 
 burn nutmegs, and in simple country places, with 
 no nutmegs near, they still burn nuts, to obtain 
 propitious omens touching matrimony. If the 
 nuts bide still and burn together, it prognosti- 
 cates a happy union, or a hopeful love; if, on 
 the contrarj^, they bounce and fly asunder, it 
 seems that the sooner the lady forgets the gen- 
 tleman, the better for her ease of mind. Gay, 
 in the " Spell," makes a forward young woman 
 say to her swain — 
 
 *' Two hazel-nuts I threw into the flame, 
 And to each I gave a sweetheart's name, 
 This with the loudest bounce we saw amazed, 
 That in a flame of brightest colour blazed.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 33 
 
 As blazed the nut, so may thy passion grow, 
 For it was tht nut that did so brightly glow." 
 
 Girls also made trial of the fidelity of tlieir 
 "young men" by sticking an apple pip on each 
 cheek, and the one which fell to the ground first, 
 indicated that the youth whose name it bore 
 meant nothing serious, but was only trifling with 
 the best feelings of her nature. 
 
 When a damsel wishes to know whether she 
 will marry the man she likes, the " true fortune- 
 teller " informs us that she must get the peelings 
 of two lemons, and wear them all day one in each 
 pocket, and at night rub the four posts or legs 
 of the bedstead with them. If she is to succeed, 
 the person will appear to her in her sleep, and 
 with a manly, yet respectful bow, present her 
 with a couple of lemons. If he doesn't do this, 
 she had better console herself by eating the 
 lemon peel and forgetting the shabby fellow. 
 
 " Mother Bunche's Closet newly Broken 
 Open " sold so many copies, that the publisher 
 started a gig at the 900th edition. It was filled 
 with directions for discovering what " he " was 
 like, and whether " he " would be faithful and 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 84 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 true. If a beautiful but mercenary maiden 
 desired to know " what manner of fortune " she 
 should marry, whether he was to be every inch 
 of him a gentleman, or a traveller who had seen 
 strange customers, or an honourable shopkeeper 
 who never resorted to untradesmanlike tricks, 
 all she had to do was to grate together a walnut, 
 a hazel nut, and a nutmeg, and mix up the 
 powder with butter and sugar into pills, " to be 
 taken at bed-time." If it was her destiny to 
 marry a "thorough gentleman," she would dream 
 of nothing else but gold, and silver, and diamond 
 necklaces; if he was to be a tradesman, her 
 repose would be disturbed by odd noises and 
 tumults, like a dispute over a bad shilling ; if a 
 traveller, then she would have a nightmare, hear 
 the most terrific thunder, and see the most ter- 
 rific lightning, such as he himself will some day 
 describe to her, when, after their union, he tells 
 her of his run- away mare on Hampstead Heath, 
 and how he passed the night at the Castle of 
 John Straw, with nothing to protect him from 
 the inclemency of the weather but a pint of 
 musty port and yesterday's Advertiser.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 35 
 
 This same old Mother Bunche was the first 
 to advise her million female readers to get up at 
 one o'clock in the morning of St. Agnes's day, 
 if they would have a peep at their intended 
 ones. They were to go to a church door, put 
 the forefinger of the right hand into the key-hole, 
 and then repeat the following words thrice : — 
 
 *' 0, sweet St. Agnes, now draw near, 
 And with my true love straight appear." 
 
 Then the svv^ain was certain to approach with a 
 smiling countenance and liis hair neatly parted 
 down the middle, and inquire why she was out 
 at so late an hour, and which day would be 
 most convenient for her to endure the fatigue 
 of hearing the marriage celebrated. 
 
 A nast}^ but certain, method was to get a fine 
 long-horned snail, which was to be placed on the 
 hearth, and, if all went right, the slimy creature 
 would write the name of the future husband, in 
 a fine scrawl, among the ashes. 
 
 There are thousands of these directions, each 
 
 one of which has been tried a thousand times. 
 
 If we only knew what was going on, there are no 
 
 doubt hundreds of girls at this very moment 
 
 D 2
 
 3G FACES FOn FORTUNES. 
 
 consulting love oracles every whit as absurd as 
 those recommended by good Mother Bunche. 
 
 Next to being married herself, a young lady 
 most delights in seeing^ her friends go through 
 the solemn operation. We have observed hungry 
 little boys, who had evidently not dined, watch 
 outside a parlour window those eating within. 
 They appeared to derive a great consolation 
 in seeing others enjoy what they themselves 
 most envy. It is the same with young ladies 
 when they are present at a wedding; it com- 
 forts them by making them think that they 
 formed part of the delightful ceremon3^ Where 
 is the little damsel who would not give her 
 longest ringlet to be appointed a bridesmaid? 
 She would jump at the offer, like a miser at a 
 penny. The amount of exertion young ladies 
 will go through on those occasions is some- 
 thing marvellous. There is a case on record 
 of two young ladies, who officiated as brides- 
 maids at a Highland wedding, and who, though 
 not above fourteen years of age, performed a 
 journey of thirty-one miles in going to and 
 returning from the church, and, besides this
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 37 
 
 exertion, passed the night in dancing reels. The 
 hardest over-worked letter-carrier could not have 
 endured half this fatigue. 
 
 In ancient times the bridesmaids held a more 
 important position at weddings than they do 
 now. Alas ! we have degenerated. In the present 
 day, as soon as the breakfast is finished the 
 married couple hurry off to the country, or 
 abroad, to pass their honeymoon. The im- 
 portant duty of putting the happy pair to bed, 
 has been abolished : the bridal couch is no 
 longer blessed by the parish priest, neither is it 
 decorated by the bridesmaids, nor are the com- 
 pany allowed to fling the stocking at the bride 
 and bridegroom, to find out when their joyful 
 turn will come. 
 
 In an old work called " The Fifteen Comforts 
 of Marriage,"' we are told that everything depends 
 on choosing the colours of the ribbands to be 
 used in dressing up the bridal bed. The author 
 quotes a discussion that took place among some 
 bridesmaids, as to the ribbands to be used. 
 
 " Not with yellow ribbands," said they; " these 
 are the emblems of jealousy ; not with Feuille
 
 38 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 mort, that signifies fading love ; but with true 
 blue, that signifies constancy, and green denotes 
 youth — put them both together, and there is 
 youthful constancy." 
 
 One lady present at this discussion proposed 
 black and blue, which, although those bruising 
 tints might now-a-days signify fighting, in olden 
 days meant constancy till death ; but the sugges- 
 tion was objected to, as those colours never 
 matched. Violet was also rejected as being too 
 grave; and at last they concluded to mingle a 
 gold tissue with grass green, " which latter 
 signifies j^outhful jollity," and everybody under- 
 stands the true meaning of gold. 
 
 Such customs as these were good for three 
 reasons: — first, because they frightened and awed 
 the bridegroom into after submission ; secondly, 
 because they amused the bridesmaids and flattered 
 the bride ; and, thirdly, because they did good to 
 trade, and upheld the ribband interest. 
 
 Then, again, what possible harm could result 
 from the pastime of " Flinging the Stocking ? '^ 
 It has helped to settle many a damsel comfort- 
 ably in life, through putting notions in the heads
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 30 
 
 of the youths, and encouragmg them to make 
 the fatal proposal. It was practised in the last 
 century with the greatest advantage to spinsters. 
 The operation was performed in the following 
 manner : — The men took the bride's stockings, 
 and the women those of the bridegroom. They 
 then seated themselves at the foot of the bed, 
 with their backs to the married couple, and threw 
 the stockings over their heads. The author of a 
 book, with the most extraordinary title ever 
 imagined, " The West Country Clothier undone 
 by a Peacock," says : — 
 
 ** The intent of flinging thiis the hose, 
 Is to bit him or her o' th' nose." 
 
 "Whenever anybod}^ hit the owner of the stock- 
 ings, it was looked upon as an omen that the 
 person would be married in a short time ; and, 
 says the writer of a work entitled " Hymen," 
 " though this ceremony is looked upon as mere 
 play and fooler}-, new marriages are often occa- 
 sioned by such accidents. 
 
 " "Who hits the mark thus o'er left shoulder, 
 Must married be, ere twelve months older." 
 
 Listen to what Bishop Taylor, of " blessed and
 
 4 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 immortal memoiy/* says of marriage, and then 
 say if anything, even though it be " mere play " 
 which occasions it, ought not to be encouraged, 
 since the result is so beneficial : — 
 
 " Marriage is a school and exercise of virtue ; 
 and though marriage hath cares, j^et the single 
 life hath desires, which are more troublesome 
 and more dangerous, and often end in sin ; while 
 the cares are but instances of duty, and exercise 
 of piety. * * * But the state of marriage hatli 
 in it the labour of love, and the delicacies of 
 friendship, the blessing of society, and the union 
 of hands and hearts. It hath in it less of beauty, 
 but more of safety than the single life.; it hath 
 more care but less danger ; it is more merry and 
 more sad; is fuller of sorrows and fuller of joys; 
 it lies under more burdens, but is supported by 
 all the strengths of love and charity, and those 
 burthens are delightful." 
 
 Further on he tells us that " marriage is the 
 nursery of heaven,^^ and also that it is "the mother 
 of the world, and preserves kingdoms, and fills 
 cities, and churches, and heaven itself." Talking 
 of the sorrows of the bachelor, he says : —
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 41 
 
 " Celibate, like a fly in the heart of an apple, 
 dwells in a perpetual sweetness ; but sits alone, 
 and is confused, and dies in singularity/' Would 
 any man — we say a man — wish to die the death 
 of such a fly ? 
 
 As we so strongly advocate the cause of matri- 
 mony, perhaps it would not be amiss to give 
 husbands a recipe for knowing whether they are 
 beloved by their waves. "We are indebted to the 
 late Dr. A. Hunter for the discovery. He says : 
 " Women who love their husbands generally lie 
 upon their right side." In a note he adds, " I 
 can only speak from experience of one, and as 
 regards her, the observation is true." This 
 obviously means that the heart is uppermost.
 
 CHAPTER lY. 
 
 THE ALMANACK OF SUCCESSFUL COURTSHIP; CON- 
 TAINING VAST INFORMATION AND FULL GUID- 
 ANCE FOR MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS DURING 
 EACH MONTH IN THE YEAR. 
 
 JANUARY. 
 
 We have often lieaicl poor dear dead and gone 
 Lady Martello assert that she would not give a 
 l)mch of snuff (Hardman's No. 32 was her lady- 
 ship^s favourite stimulant) for a girl who had not 
 sense enough to secure the man she honoured by 
 her preference. 
 
 Her ladyship argued witli considerahle petu- 
 lance that any woman who attained her thirtieth 
 year without having had the choice of at least three 
 proposals, had disgraced her sex and wounded its 
 prestige, and, as a just punishment, should be 
 made to deliver up her crinoline and do penance 
 in curl-papers.
 
 FACES FOK FORTUNES. 4S 
 
 Her ladyship's experience iu matrimonial 
 matters^ verged on the sublime. Sir Cresswell 
 Cresswell frequently consulted her. "Whilst yet 
 a fine enticing woman, ere the dentist had com- 
 pleted her first set, she lost her husband, a 
 gentleman indulgent to a fault, — indeed, he 
 expired after an over-indulgence in oj^sters and 
 port wine. Left with a family not only healthy, 
 but numerous, she saw at once that she must 
 keep her eyes open. "When all the girls were at 
 home, the}^ sat down ten to dinner. Yet such 
 was the indomitable energy and accurate strategy 
 of this noble matron, that before Zenobia, her 
 youngest, had completed her fourth season, her 
 eight sisters were all carriage-people. 
 
 After Zenobia, her remaining comfort, was 
 taken off her fond hands, her ladyship would 
 frequently moralize on the folly of man- 
 " Men,^^ she would exclaim in her inimitable 
 manner, " are the most ridiculous of all our 
 luxuries. Next to dancing-masters and foot- 
 men, men are the vainest animals." 
 
 To a distant relative, who had four fine young 
 women, and came to her ladyship for advice, she-
 
 44 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 remarked, " Look at my girls ! Dear Jessica's 
 hair was as thin as harp-strings ; dear Penelope's 
 complexion was so disheartening, I always called 
 her my brown paper parcel; and my darling 
 Zenobia's poor red nose w^ould have tempted a 
 blackbird. Yet look at them now ! Even dear 
 Patience, the poorest of them, has a thousand 
 ounces of plate in her house. It is all nonsense 
 for a pack of silly girls to put on their best 
 frocks and sit quietly down, waiting for a hus- 
 band. If they want to be courted, the}^ must 
 begin bj^ courting ; if the}^ want a fire, they 
 must first light it. The commonest little fright 
 may have the pick of the Blue-book, if she has 
 only the proper judgment to make love to her 
 Adonis without his finding her out. The vanity 
 of man, my dear, is such that he will gobble up 
 compliments as gluttonously as a Frenchwoman. 
 But remember, my dear, our little one must on 
 no account outstep the delicate timidity of our 
 sex. She must pat and caress the wretch's 
 vanity with a hand so light that it would not 
 wake a sleeping weasel; she must merely im- 
 press him with the belief that he is at length
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 45 
 
 appreciated. If lie attempt wit, there is no 
 objection to her helping him in the difficulty ; if 
 he is fond of serious converse, a well-directed 
 girl will naturally look solemn and impressed. I 
 never knew a man yet, my dear, who objected 
 to being admired, and in self-defence he tries to 
 prove that his admirer is capable of judging. He 
 returns the compliment, and calls her a clever crea- 
 ture. When others laugh at his stupid remarks, 
 he remembers the upturned eyes that seemed to 
 worship his words as he uttered them ; when his 
 little sparks of wit twinkle and expire, he recalls 
 the sweet lips that parted so merril}^ and showed 
 the little teeth all of a row. To save his own 
 self-esteem, he vows that Phillis is the only being 
 that properly understands his value, and for fear 
 the market should decline still lower, he specu- 
 lates in Phillis. These are my views, my dear," 
 added her ladyship to her poor relation ; " and 
 although your Stella must be at least forty, if 
 she will follow my advice she may yet marry a 
 widower.^' 
 
 The history of Zenobia's courtship is pecu- 
 liarly applicable to the month of January, and
 
 46 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 may be quoted as a fine illustration that love is 
 never out of season, but is as sweet when cold 
 Winter reigns as ^neath a July sun — whether we 
 tread on violets or slide on the bosom of the 
 lake. 
 
 The first and only offer submitted to the 
 trembling Zenobia for her acceptance came from 
 a gentleman in skates. 
 
 So long as any of her ladyship's daughters 
 were blessings unbestowed, it was her custom 
 to entertain much company at "The Towers." 
 For fear her son, the gay Lord Martello, might, 
 after the pleasures of a soldier's life, consider 
 the home of her ancestors dull, the doting mother 
 generously allowed him carte hlanche to invite 
 any of his brother officers whose fortunes 
 stamped them as men of sterling worth. 
 
 One Christmas, during Zenobia's dispiriting 
 fourth season, the guests were unusually nume- 
 rous, but to no one was a warmer welcome given 
 than to the elegant Lieutenant Hallen, a deserv- 
 ing officer, who was serving his country merely 
 for the fun of the thing. The lieutenant had not 
 been two days at " The Towers " before he ob-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 47 
 
 served to Lord Martello that his sister Zenobia 
 had a fine foot. He was in a foot regiment. 
 
 Certainl}^ Zenobia was unusually favoured 
 "with this blessing a la Chinolse. It — the foot 
 — stamped Lieutenant Hallen as a man of supe- 
 rior attainments, that he should have discovered 
 and appreciated this perfection. 
 
 To Zenobia herself, her feet were far from 
 being objects of dislike. She tended them with 
 the prettiest care. Her bottiues were supplied 
 by the Maison Bugnion of Paris, renowned for 
 its sjpecialite de chaussures des dames. It was the 
 prettiest sight in the world to watch Zenobia 
 skipping over a puddle, and Lieutenant Hallen 
 confessed in after life that he had stood many 
 a time peeping behind a curtain merely to see 
 her trip across the doorway and spring up the 
 carriage -steps. 
 
 Our readers will, perhaps, remember, that tlie 
 winter of Zenobia's fourth season was unusuall}' 
 severe, — so cold, indeed, that the poor girl would 
 sometimes creep up to the fire, and rest her little 
 foot on the fender. As the warm blaze played 
 upon the high instep, she once remarked to
 
 48 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Lieutenant Hallen, who was, as usual, by lier 
 side, enjoying his opportunity, " I can scarcely 
 feel my poor little feet." 
 
 "And I can scarcely see them," the brave 
 officer replied, with a gallantry that scorned to 
 be truthful, for Zenobia was doing her utmost 
 to assist his eyesight. 
 
 It was noticed by her ladyship that during 
 their walks the young soldier invariably preferred 
 the society of her daughter, or, if another robbed 
 him of her company, he might be seen following 
 at her heels, his eyes modestly resting on the 
 ground. The moments were of unequalled bliss 
 to him, when a slight thaw stopped their path, for 
 Zenobia had a virtuous horror of mud, and would 
 be constantly peeping at her boots, crying out in 
 her pretty way, " Oh, what horribly muddy feet ! " 
 
 Occasionally, too, her better feelings would be 
 called into play — as, for instance, when the sen- 
 sitive girl stumbled against some awkward stone, 
 *' My tiresome little foot, I've knocked it off!^' 
 the poor child would exclaim, smiling despite the 
 pain, and holding forth the suffering yet fasci- 
 nating member. The first time the gallant
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 49 
 
 officer witnessed this distressing accident, he 
 replied, " We must stop till we find it again ; 
 you'll never get another like it.'' 
 
 Her ladyship, who had been fretting "over the 
 liigh flush which from a child — through indiges- 
 tion — had mantled in her Zenobia's nose, was 
 but too pleased to find that the other extremity 
 of her darling's form had monopolised attention. 
 Up to that time her wit had ever been on the 
 alert to defend her fond one's nasal organ. 
 When it was unusually brilliant, she would 
 ingeniously observe, " I wish this horrible winter 
 were gone, it is such unbecoming weather for the 
 poor nose ! Yours, Lieutenant Hallen, is quite 
 pink. And so is yours, my dear Zenobia." But 
 what did one so passionately fond of feet as the 
 Lieutenant care for the hue of a nose ? 
 
 There is no exercise more healthy or warming 
 than skating. There was a fine sheet of ornamental 
 water in the Martello grounds, where the gentle- 
 men often enjoyed this manly sport. One day, as 
 Zenobia stood shivering on the margin of the 
 frozen lake, watching the sylph-like attitudes of 
 the performers, Lieutenant Hallen, his face glow- 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 '>V FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 ing with exercise, invited his lovely audience of 
 one to try her powers. 
 
 " I should never be able to stand on my poor 
 little feet/^ objected Zenobia. 
 
 " Try," pleaded the admiring officer, looking 
 down at the feet. 
 
 *' I should tumble down and die of bumps, or 
 make a hole and be drowned," replied the timid 
 little puss. 
 
 But a loving eye was at that moment looking 
 through an opera-glass from an upper window of 
 " The Towers,^^ watching the countenances of 
 the unsuspecting ones. 
 
 The owner of this eye was wondering to her- 
 self what they could be talking about, that he 
 should look so perky, she so sly ; and when, on 
 her daughter's return, the truth was told, her 
 quick brain at once appi^eciated the importance 
 of the proposition. 
 
 " Zenobia ! " exclaimed the excited parent, 
 *' to-morrow you skate." 
 
 *' My dear mamma ! I shall break my limbs," 
 objected the pouting child. 
 
 *' Stuff! Put on two crinolines ! Your brother
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 51 
 
 lias the Martello foot ; his skates will fit you ! " 
 replied the parent. " And, pay attention to me, 
 sweetest, wear your bronze boots. Mention 
 the subject to me before him this evening." 
 
 Her wishes were dutifully obeyed, and a lively 
 discussion on the impropriety of ladies learning 
 to skate, in which her ladyship proved herself no 
 match for the talented Lieutenant, ended in an 
 unwilling assent. " There is a great deal of 
 truth,'' observed her ladyship, " in what you 
 have stated about this accomplishment being of 
 service to my Zen, should destiny place her lot 
 in the frozen regions ; and the instance you 
 mention of the Dutch women skating to market 
 is a powerful argument, I confess freely. I 
 adore, I love the useful ! But let me implore 
 you to be careful of my pet ! Do not quit her 
 hand ; be ever by her side, until she is au fait 
 at this treacherous art." 
 
 When a young gentleman undertakes to teach 
 a young lady the art of skating, the dangers she 
 risks are small indeed compared with those which 
 beset the tutor. True, she may tumble once or 
 twice, and scramble on her hands and knees, 
 
 £ 2
 
 52 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 :mtl be laughed at, but his fall, poor man, will 
 be a desperate one — he will fall in love. To 
 him every inch of the ice should be declared 
 " dangerous." 
 
 Her ladyship knew all this when she uttered 
 the words — " To-morrow you skate." 
 
 In the first place it is essential that the fair 
 pupil should be able to use her feet freely, and 
 this can only be done by reefing up the petti- 
 coats ankle high, after the fashion of a Swiss 
 maiden. If, as was the case with our Zenobia, 
 nature has carefully finished her work from ankle 
 to toe, it is a great treat to all men of elegant 
 tastes to enjoy this innocent exhibition, which 
 comes but once a year. 
 
 Is it not also delightfully suggestive to feel 
 how thoroughly the pretty trembling creature is 
 dependent upon you for her safety ? How pre- 
 cious you have become in her sight ! if you leave 
 her but for an instant, her eyes follow you sor- 
 rowfully, and her voice pleads coaxingly as she 
 totters. She beseeches, she entreats you to 
 return. The modest beauty, who an hour since 
 blushed as she shook your hand, now clings to
 
 FACES FOE FOKTUNES. 53 
 
 your arm as if you were her only hope in life ; 
 and let me tell you, sirs, to be squeezed about 
 and cuddled by little hands no bigger than 
 paper-weights, will, if continued for long, affect 
 the brain, and make you see " double." 
 
 The greatest luxury of love is its sense of pro- 
 tection, and curiously enough it both precedes 
 and follows love. That the fragile innocent is so 
 entirely at your mercy makes the heart tender 
 and careful. Absorbed by her fear, she forgets 
 all the governess has taught her as to her proper 
 behaviour before gentlemen ; her coaxing appeals 
 are entreating enough to be thought affectionate ; 
 and before twenty minutes have flown, the heart 
 frizzles on the grill, and your destiny is cooked. 
 
 On the eventful morning, when the nervous 
 Zenobia, sacrificing herself to her mamma's 
 wishes, ventured on the ice, it seemed to her as 
 if she had exchanged her legs for two highly - 
 tempered foils, which bent and wriggled under 
 the weight of her body. 
 
 When left to herself her ankles began to twist 
 in and out ; whilst the wind, rushing with violence 
 against her full skirts, forced her to describe a
 
 54 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 half circle, and placed her with her hack towards 
 the gay Lieutenant, who was flourishing a figure 
 of eight in the distance. 
 
 Unable to behold the only creature who could 
 help her, alarmed at the sudden fit of bobbing 
 which jerked her body into a hundred attitudes, 
 she exclaimed in piercing accents — 
 
 " Lieutenant Hallen, come ! come ! I want 
 YOU ! O quick ! quick ! " 
 
 Yet he came not. She felt she must fall. 
 
 *'Dear Mr. Hallen," she cried again. " 0, 
 please do ! You must ; do — now ! " 
 
 Still her appeal was unanswered. Already her 
 body bent forward, so that she could distinctly 
 see her skates; her arms and fingers were ex- 
 tended ; when, forgetting everything but her 
 hopes for assistance, she allowed these pathetic 
 words to betray the secret of her heart — 
 
 " come ! come ! dearest Mr. Hallen ! I am 
 sure I shall fall ! Make haste ! 0, Mr. Charles, 
 dear Charles, I know I shall fall ! Please ! O ! 
 dearest Charley, I'm certain I shall ! O ! ! O !" 
 
 A manly arm was round her waist, and raised 
 her tenderly. It was the first time she had
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. O-J 
 
 uttered his Christian name, and the effect 
 electrified his very knees. 
 
 Another great peril 'which the professor of 
 skating must he prepared to encounter arises 
 from cold fingers. The young lady, fatigued with 
 having to twirl her arms and jerk her body about 
 like a boy walking on a wall, or exhausted by the 
 violence of her attitudes, — now bending suddenly 
 forwards as if the nnddle joints had suddenly 
 given way, and now throwing herself backwards 
 as though a wasp had flown at her nose, at length 
 struggles towards some object for support, and 
 clings to it with the clutch of despair. Then the 
 fingers begin to freeze. 
 
 By the time her professor comes to her aid, she 
 could not, though a thousand yards of the richest 
 silk were the wager, fasten his shirt button. The 
 most reasonable and expedient way to warm cold 
 fingers is to press them between two warm palms. 
 As the grateful girl feels the heat return, she 
 murmurs — " 0, how nice ! " 
 
 The professor is apt to misconstrue this ex- 
 pression, and take it as a personal compliment, 
 and there have been cases when he has been so
 
 ,56 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 loth to part witli the pretty fingers, that he has 
 proposed keeping the little hand for the longest 
 period man can call his own. 
 
 Several times did the gallant Lieutenant 
 yield himself up to the sweet influences of the 
 skating lessons. 
 
 The sprightly Zenohia was a quick scholar, and 
 in a short time she could run races with her tutor 
 and romp with him in the delights of the sport. 
 On one occasion they ran against one another, 
 and had to cling tightly to each other to save the 
 fall ; and the position was so poetically suggestive 
 that the brave soldier felt how mucli better it 
 would be to make a clean breast of his troubled 
 bosom and end his sufferings. 
 
 He taught her *' to do " the inner and outer 
 edge of the circle ; they practised quadrilles, and 
 she learned how to skate out her own name in 
 the snow-drift. As she executed these difficult 
 performances, one leg slightly elevated a la Tag- 
 lioni, the arms waving gracefully and the body 
 undulating to the alternate skate, the Lieutenant 
 gazed in silent wonder, whilst his heart bounded 
 like a football.
 
 FACES rOli FORTUNES. 57 
 
 But the crisis did not declare itself until one 
 afternoon when the straps on dear Zen's left foot 
 — her prettiest foot — caused her such intense 
 pain she was obliged to sit upon the grassy bank 
 and allow the compassionate Charles to unbuckle 
 the cruel thongs. 
 
 He, humbl}' kneeling, performed the charitable 
 office ; but lo ! the unkind skate removed, instead 
 of liberating the little foot, he still retained his 
 hold, and as it rested in his palm gazed on it 
 intensely like unto one consulting a watch. He 
 was filled with admiration and tenderness. 
 
 The miraculous influence which small feet 
 exert over sensitive minds is such that reason 
 has been known to totter on its throne. That 
 celebrated maker of ladies' boots, Monsieur Le- 
 hocks, is frequently obliged to send his young 
 gentlemen of the trying-on room to the sea-side 
 to renew their shattered systems. 
 
 The Lieutenant gazed on the little foot, and 
 then bowing his head as if in worship, kissed the 
 patent leather tip as reverentially as if the toe had 
 been the Pope's. Still resting on his knees, he 
 implored the agitated Zenobia to bestow on him
 
 "^8 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 her foot in marriage, and she — sweet blushhig 
 thing— referred him to her mamma. 
 
 On her wedding-day she wore kid bottines of a 
 most dehcate peach colour. He was happy I 
 
 FEBRUARY. 
 
 This is a sentimental and highly peculiar 
 month, very favourable to marriage but opposed 
 to horticulture ; so that although the weddings 
 during February are unusually numerous, no one 
 in his senses would think of planting potatoes, — 
 hence it is a fair time for looking after husbands 
 and neglecting husbandrj^ Our good Queen 
 was married in February. The birds also get 
 married in February. 
 
 The pleasing little incident of St. Valentine^s 
 day adds to the month's romance. A few of our 
 young men are modest ; and many are too nervous 
 to express their feelings when the eyes of their 
 adored are staring at them. They joyfully take 
 advantage of this easy method of sending their 
 sighs through the post. You can buy a very nice 
 Cupid, with a church and a wedding-ring, for one
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 59 
 
 penny, poetiy included. Printed on satin, witli 
 the sentiment in silver, the price is higher. A 
 vast number of cheap coloured insults are also 
 sold : and, judging by the serious sums asked for 
 the decorated compliments, we are led to believe 
 that more spite than affection is indulged in on 
 the 14th. Elevated emotions are very properly 
 made expensive. The insults are only worth a 
 penny. A temple of love is worth half-a-crown 1 
 But, we may safely conclude that no man would 
 be such a boob}'" as to j)ay good silver for a 
 declaration of love, unless he meant to stick to 
 his verses. 
 
 Who was St. Valentine ? In what kind of 
 society did his parents move ? Where was he 
 born and educated ? Mention a few noble in- 
 stances of his virtuous youth. How did he 
 obtain his strange authority over birds, and 
 cause them invariably to mate on his day '? 
 Give some account of what is meant b}' sending 
 a Valentine, and choosing a Valentine. 
 
 Those who particularly care to know who St. 
 Valentine was, will be sorry to hear that very 
 little is known of the history of that sweet-named
 
 CO FACES FOR FORTUNES, 
 
 and eccentric man. There was anotlier party of 
 the same name, who is often mentioned in fairy 
 history as an exceedingly virtuous, well-educated, 
 dashing gentleman, who wore gaudj^ armour, and 
 went to Court ; hut we can scarcely imagine that 
 the two were related. It is, however, true that 
 he had an unfortunate brother, who turned out 
 very wild and never shaved. This brother might 
 in after life have reformed, gone into the Church, 
 and been canonised : but this is a mere guess. 
 
 The dashing Valentine is evidently an entirely 
 different personage to the founder of the " curious 
 customs," for although he is spoken of in the 
 highest terms, as a sober, honest, and industrious 
 man, still he was no monkish saint, because he 
 married a beautiful princess, had a large family 
 of lovely children, and " lived happily all the 
 days of his life," whereas saints, as it is well- 
 known, were strictly forbidden entering into the 
 connubial state, and led the most miserable 
 existences it is possible to imagine, keeping up 
 no establishment beyond a damp cave, with a 
 skull or two by way of furniture, preferring cold 
 water at their meals, and seldom taking anything
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 61 
 
 for dinner beyond a few wild fruits at dessert 
 time. 
 
 Besides, the Valentine in the fairy histories is 
 not reported to have taken any interest in the 
 study of ornithology, and it is probable that, 
 beyond chirping to the canary in the parlour, or 
 occasionally talking to the parrot of Madame 
 la Princesse, his lady, he cared nothing about 
 uncooked birds. 
 
 Wheatley has endeavoured to explain the origin 
 of the custom of choosing Valentines. He tells 
 us that the saint " was a man of most admirable 
 parts, and so famous for his love and charity, 
 that the custom of choosing Valentines upon his 
 festival took its rise from thence.''^ \Ye do not 
 consider this explanation at all satisfactory, and 
 prefer inventing one of our own to receiving so 
 uninteresting a statement. According to our 
 notions Valentine must have been a benevolent 
 and strong-minded curate, who officiated at 
 Lambeth Church. The numerous marriages — 
 seldom less than fifty in fine weather — that each 
 Sunday were celebrated in that sacred edifice, 
 pleased and delighted his generous nature.
 
 62 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Speaking to a dear friend on this subject, he 
 is reported to have said, ''I like this union. of 
 heart to heart — this coupling of love to love." 
 These sentiments never quitted him, and no 
 doubt influenced his after fate : for a few years 
 later, he removed to the north of England, where 
 he held the romantic and lucrative post of priest 
 at Gretna Green. He was the inventor of run- 
 away matches, and eventually turned blacksmith. 
 
 Valentine had but one enemy — a man in the 
 employ of Government as a letter-carrier. This 
 fellow carried his impertinence to such a height, 
 that at last punishment became inevitable, and 
 " Valentines " were originated. In one day no 
 less than half a million of letters passed through 
 the post-office for delivery in London alone. "The 
 revenge was complete. The injured saint had the 
 satisfaction of beholding his enemy sinking with 
 fatigue from excessive toil, his shoes worn from 
 his feet, and his hands blistered with knocking. 
 
 When dying, Valentine called his friends 
 around him, and begged of them to institute 
 some curious customs in honour of his spotless 
 life. His weeping admirers readily assented.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 63- 
 
 Among his papers was found his will, but 
 all it contained was a request that on his 
 tombstone might be engraved these words: — 
 " He was unmarried himself, but the cause 
 of marriage in others." Owing to a want of 
 funds, this last injunction was not complied 
 with. 
 
 Of course we do not pretend to have given a 
 correct history of the life of the popular saint. 
 We find all the antiquarians quarrelling amongst 
 themselves, each one endeavouring to account for 
 the institution of this and that custom ; and 
 as the3^ cannot assist us, we think the best way 
 is to assist them by giving to the world an 
 entirely new version of why St. Valentine pre- 
 sides over the sending of love-letters, and the 
 over-working of postmen. 
 
 Many aged persons, whose courting days have 
 long since passed, object to the custom of 
 young creatures indulging in Valentines, pro- 
 bably from envy at not being permitted to join 
 in the fun, and feeling convinced that no decent- 
 looking body would condescend to listen to 
 the mumbled out-pourings of a flirting wretch:
 
 64 FACPIS FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 of sixty. A surly grumbling old gentleman, 
 who existed in the 3^ear 1015, had the impu- 
 dence to remark that : — " The custome and 
 charge of valentines is not ill left, with many 
 other such costly and idle customes, which by a 
 tacit generall consent wee lay down as obso- 
 lete ;'' and yet, despite this iniquitous attempt, 
 the " custome " survived him, you see, and has 
 even grown more and more popular, and no 
 doubt is in great favour in parts of England 
 we know nothing of. We do not think the 
 young fellows in Norfolk likely to let the 
 *' custome " perish, for there it has more to do 
 with money than love, and it is astonishing 
 how human nature will cling to a " custome " 
 when there is a shilling or two to be made by 
 it. In that high-feeding county, the children 
 "catch" people for valentines, always taking care 
 to run after those who are likely to be liberal. 
 The mode of catching is by saying, " Good 
 morning, Valentine," and if they can do this 
 before they are spoken to they expect to see the 
 hand dive into the pocket and come up again 
 with a sixpence between the fingers. It must
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 65 
 
 be done, however, before sun-rise, otherwise, 
 instead of receiving a sixpence, they are told 
 they are sun-huDif, and perhaps get a box on 
 the ears. 
 
 A vorthy good soul of the name of Misson, 
 who lived about two centuries ago, says of St. 
 Valentine^s da}^ that it is *' a time when all 
 living nature inclines to couple, and the j'oung 
 folks in England, and Scotland too, by a very 
 ancient custom, celebrate a little festival that 
 tends to the same end. An equal number of 
 maids and bachelors get together, each writes 
 their true, or some feigned, name upon separate 
 billets, which they roll up and draw by way of lots, 
 the men taking the maids' billets, so that each of 
 the young men lights upon a maiden whom he calls 
 his Valentine. Fortune having thus divided the 
 company into so many couples, the Valentines 
 give balls and treats to their mistresses, wear 
 their billets several days upon their bosoms 
 or sleeves, and this little sport often ends in 
 love." 
 
 In those days when " Valentine-choosing " 
 was regarded as a serious affair, learned dis-
 
 66 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 cussions often took place as to the right and 
 l)roper manner of conducting the ceremon3^ 
 In the " British Apollo," a gentleman, meanly 
 inclined, asks this question, " In choosing Valen- 
 tines, is not the party choosing to make a pre- 
 sent to the party chosen ? " His hopes of 
 obtaining an answer to the contrary effect are, 
 however, destroyed by the upright manly reply 
 of the editor, who, not having to pay the money, 
 takes the popular side of the ladies, and de- 
 clares that " the gentlemen ought only to make 
 presents." 
 
 The " learned " Moresin, a clever ]3hilosopher, 
 who has been kind enough to tell us an immense 
 number of curious things, says, that at this fes- 
 tival (St. Valentine's) the men used to make 
 the women presents; but that presents were- 
 made reciprocally in Scotland. The smitten 
 swain in the Land of Cakes would present his 
 loved one with sixpence, and then borrow it back 
 again. 
 
 Some of the young ladies employed desperate 
 methods of divination to discover who was to be 
 their Valentine. Some wrote their lovers' names-
 
 FACES FOE FORTUNES. 67 
 
 uX)oii bits of pai^er, and rolled tliem up in clay, 
 and put them into water, and the first that rose 
 to the surface was to be the lucky fellow. Other 
 maidens had recourse to a more disagreeable 
 plan ; they boiled an egg hard and took out the 
 yolk, and filled it with salt. This the poor 
 victim of love eat, shell and all, without speak- 
 ing or drinking after it. Such devotion is 
 alarmingly lovely. 
 
 Duiing February, evening parties are in 
 fashion, the cold weather being favourable to 
 jumping. It is a wise thing to accept all in- 
 vitations that may be sent, whether you even- 
 tually honour your friends with your society or 
 not. By doing this you are enabled to select 
 the best houses and arrange your evenings with 
 comfort. It requires consummate tact to work 
 up the season's toilette without loss or extra- 
 vagance, wearing off the first gloss in the best 
 drawing-rooms, and finishing the faded splendour 
 in second-rate first floors. This mamma will 
 see to and economically (a few yards of new 
 
 trimming are sufficient) carry out. 
 
 p2
 
 68 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 To-night Mrs. Colonel Merrimac gives a 
 party, and four hundred dancers have been 
 asked to dress in their best, and skip about 
 the drawing-room, and fall in love, and flirt. 
 
 They are coming ! they are coming ! In the 
 distant streets wheels rattle, and broughams 
 witli lighted lamps dart into the square from 
 fill directions. Tlie linkmen are busy flourish- 
 ing their lanterns and shouting, to make the 
 civers of shillinf]js believe the work is hard ; 
 •slamming-to the carriage-doors with explosive 
 noise, and plying the knocker with a force which 
 threatens inch oak and staggers the hall-porter, 
 -who, not a foot away, stands expectant by the 
 latch. 
 
 Airy dresses of summer-cloud tissue, that 
 (Spread out into floating masses as they emerge 
 from the bandbox carriages; skirts so vapourish 
 ■and overflowing that opening the brougluuu- 
 . doors seems like drawing the cork of well-bottled 
 ale ; for the white foam of crepe and silk gushes 
 forth and floats across the pavement, leaving the 
 beholder to wonder how so much froth could 
 have been held in so small a coach. Is there
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. GO' 
 
 a prettier sight to be seen tlian these mar- 
 vellously-packed beauties — these living tricks of 
 tiie hat full of feathers, these balloon girls— to- 
 watch the pink toe point daintily to the ground,, 
 and, happen, be granted one short glimpse of 
 an ankle tightly laced in satin, to gaze after the 
 vapourish vision and wish Mrs. Colonel Merrimac 
 had taken pity on all bachelors and requested 
 their society to waltz with the pink toes. 
 
 It is a known fact that girls can get very tipsy 
 on green tea. At parties, green tea is always- 
 served, because it is considered to be a good 
 commencement of an evening to see the girls 
 giggling. Those cloak-rooms, where these pretty 
 foaming creatures retire to sip their intoxicating, 
 gunpowder and see if their dresses are crumpled^ 
 are heartless places of business and opposed to 
 romance, where the twiddling of wreaths, the 
 buttoning of gloves, and perhaps the borrowing, 
 of pins, take place. 
 
 Never care to peep round the corner, young 
 man, but hasten up-stairs, arranging a neat com- 
 pliment for the giver of the feast, who awaits 
 your approach with a welcome.
 
 70 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 The colonel's lad}^ is all smiles, and her eyes 
 twinkle as if her brain were a heaven of delight 
 and two stars shining; but what the dear lady 
 suffers no one can tell. 
 
 Not ten minutes since she heard a crash — a 
 sharp, crisp crash, as of the best glass ruined. 
 Neither has Gunter fulfilled his promises, and a 
 heart-breaking fear haunts her that the green 
 trays have been carried to the wrong supper- 
 party. With all the plate out and so many 
 strange men in the house, how can she get the 
 silver epergnes off her mind ! 
 
 Yet her face is as joyful and animated as a 
 bubbling spring reflecting the moonlight, and 
 she twitters cheerful welcomes to all who ap- 
 proach. 
 
 An evening party is an ungrateful gathering ; 
 it is a sacrifice made to people who are dressed 
 so nicely they consider their coming a compli- 
 ment. Fine feathers make the birds proud 
 and pompous. Jolly Jack, who before dinner 
 was as convivial as a successful speculator, now 
 yields to the tightness of his dress-coat, and is 
 as stiff as his white cravat. Pretty Lucy, who at
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 71 
 
 four was romping with the babj^ is now afraid 
 to move, for fear her hair shoukl play tricks, 
 and — she doesn't know why — is as cross as Pa 
 settling bills. 
 
 Before the fete is the glory-time for the giver 
 of the entertainment ; but, as the last guest 
 departs and the extinguishing of wax -lights 
 begins, she is forgotten. Her reward lies in 
 invitations to come. She is speculating in the 
 rout exchange-market, and will, perhaps, gain 
 on the season's time bargain. 
 
 The music bursts forth ; D'Albert's last valse 
 sets the wreathed heads and satin toes beating 
 time ; the faces look pleasanter, and the eyes 
 twinkle. Few have the courage to join in the 
 early dancing, and those who do so move as 
 primly as at a lesson. 
 
 Lounging and chatting is the preferred amuse- 
 ment, in the retired shade of curtains out of 
 sight of mamma and sisters, away from all obser- 
 vation, as Charles imagines, whilst leaning over 
 Marion's shoulders, and enjoying the breeze of 
 her fast-moving fan ; but upon the blind behind 
 the bright lights throw a sharp shadow, and the
 
 72 FACES FOU FORTUNES. 
 
 iircliins outside are joking and cheering the 
 amorous ovihre chinoise. 
 
 Before supper a ball-room is dead, flat, inani- 
 mate as a fashion-plate; the dresses are there, 
 and that is all. Do you imagine Miss Augusta 
 Grenville would for one moment allow the ador- 
 ing Horace to call her his Gussy before Moiit 
 had softened her heart ? The sparkling liquid 
 poured from the black bottle oils the hinges 
 on which her heart opens ; and, though she 
 cannot but think him bold, she doesn't object 
 to the endearment, and wonders whether he is 
 serious. 
 
 The most sudden change to be observed in the 
 harlequinade of life is that from the elaborate 
 propriety of before-supper people to the benign 
 tolerance and indulgent unbending which a 
 refreshing repast has magically called forth. 
 Remain in the drawing-room whilst the others — 
 frigid, ceremonious creatures — silently pair off to 
 the sumptuous feast. At first, a hum of voices 
 and a clatter of plates is heard; for some ten 
 minutes the knives and forks sound louder than 
 the voices, until the reports of liberated corks
 
 FACES FOE FORTUNES. 73 
 
 are heard, as if pleasure were duelling with 
 dulness. 
 
 You need not wait long now for signs of merry 
 life helow. A laugh rings out crisp and earnest 
 — that is a girl's giggle. A fuller and a more 
 highly -flavoured roulade is next heard, a hurst of 
 mirth that rose from hehind a double chin — that 
 is a mamma's indulgence. The moment the 
 mammas yield to merriment, that moment their 
 pretty children crumple up their cheeks and 
 show their white teeth. They have been long 
 waiting to be allowed to be jolly without being 
 considered forward or lectured for being vulgar. 
 Now the laughter is in full-throated violence ; it 
 is like being over a birdseller's shop to listen to 
 it. You laugh yourself, and bless the vineyards 
 of champagne for giving freedom to such pretty 
 music. 
 
 Elderly people admire the old-fashioned sit- 
 down-to supper fashions, and in their hearts 
 despise the new buffet innovation ; but then they 
 have grown lazy and have lost their figures, and 
 like a roomy chair and plenty of elbow-room, for 
 they care nothing for the dancing. It is the well-
 
 V4 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 arranged supper-table that commands their 
 sympathy. But, for the young ones who have 
 their courting before them and all its happiness 
 to enjoy, the higgledy-piggledy confusion of 
 ■ squeezing on the stairs, and creeping into 
 corners, and picnicing in out-of-the-way places, 
 must have many delights, the strangeness of 
 the situation being conducive to warm declara- 
 tions and earnest conversations about nothing — 
 those amusing fencing-bouts with love in which 
 the thoughts unspoken are the only ones that 
 are understood. 
 
 It should be a pretty sight to watch a girl 
 eating if she has been thoroughly taught the art 
 at a first-rate school. She must not move the 
 mouth like a ravenous pigeon ; she must nibble 
 like a pretty mouse. It is also pretty to watch 
 a woman drinking. The tongue, seen through 
 the glass, looks so pink, and the teeth so white, 
 no artist could render them ; whilst the gurgling 
 of the full throat is charming, especially if a 
 string of pearls encircle it. Every evening party 
 ought to end in half a dozen weddings. Cham- 
 pagne is still the elixir of love.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 7o 
 
 There are two troubles in tliis life which, 
 though seldom mentioned, are oppressive. One 
 is the trouble of dressing, the other is the trouble 
 of undressing. 
 
 By " dressing " we do not mean the mere 
 covering of the body with clothing for the body's 
 comfort, but we refer to the elaborate perfecting 
 of decorative attire for the body's display ; the 
 figging out and dandifying which the fashionable 
 world most properly insists upon. 
 
 And by undressing we do not mean a rapid 
 slipping off of raiment, like the unharnessing of a 
 horse, but the long and tedious process of remov- 
 ing valuable and delicate garments, to be tenderly 
 packed away, and which must be handled with the 
 prudent mercy of a linenclraper ''undressing" 
 his window — show-goods to be used to-morrow, 
 and once more attract admiration and envy. 
 
 The vanity of fine clothes when indulged in by 
 a horrible man is a very mean peccadillo — a poor, 
 sickly vice. The niggers yield to it, poor things. 
 They are easily caught on their native shores, 
 like mackerel, with a bright colour. There is
 
 76 FACES FOR FOFtTUNES. 
 
 some excuse to be made for the fisli, tliougli its 
 pleasant flavour when broiled, but a black man in 
 a bead necklace or a sky-blue waistcoat could 
 never soothe the senses. 
 
 Next to the ebony boys, the French are the 
 most desperate displayers. They live and die 
 for a telling- toilet effect, but whether to gain the 
 admiration and overthrow of fascinated women 
 or to rouse the jealous bile of opposition dressers, 
 is one of the secrets of their business. They are 
 a nation of tailors, though their milliners we 
 allow are poetic. 
 
 We have seen and conversed with a French- 
 man who lived on bread until he was nothing but 
 a human poultice, that he might save up his 
 money to bu}" polished leather boots — a sacrifice 
 endured through love of his feet, which were 
 certainty neatly made and small. 
 
 On another occasion we made the acquaintance 
 of a Parisian who in secret informed us that he 
 had two hundred pairs of trousers — a statement 
 so gorgeous and enormous that our eye fell, quick 
 as a shot sparrow, to the man's legs, and, behold ! 
 he was lame.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 77 
 
 Another French gentleman confided to us the 
 news that every day he changed his clothes four 
 times. His first suit was a dressing-gown, with 
 Turkish appointments ; his second, a careless 
 lounging costume de bureau ; his third, a toilet — 
 very coquettish — " de promenade ;" and his fourth 
 the culmination effect, " de salon" — a mise-en- 
 scene which was intended to make married women 
 sigh and wish they had seen those enrapturing 
 clothes before they had tied the fatal knot which 
 bound them to wardrobes less sumptuous. 
 
 It is in Paris however, to turn to a more 
 pleasant subject, that was " perfectioned" the 
 petticoat which cost one guinea every time it was 
 washed. It had little rows of puckered lace and 
 little rows of pouting frills ; and it was puffed 
 and plaited, and required as man}^ different kinds 
 of irons to complete the getting-up as a book- 
 binder uses to his trade. It is sad to think that 
 this sumptuous mass of volants tuyautes and 
 Valenciennes JineSf which brought such handsome 
 fees to the clearstarcher, was, after all, to be 
 concealed from view, except a very small portion 
 allowable on a muddy day. The glory of the
 
 78 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 extravagance depended upon gossip, like Roths- 
 cliild's fortune or the Duke of Brunswick's 
 diamonds. It is only in Paris — dear Paris ! — 
 where ladies have the courage to expend a hun- 
 dred pounds upon a dress, and then ask their 
 husbands how they like it. It is in that charming 
 country that, every month, fresh fashion-plates 
 are concocted, where bonnet-builders wait for 
 inspirations, and all the joys of the show-world 
 are treated as poetic impulses. 
 
 That mighty philosopher, so magnanimously 
 negligent of personal appearance, Diogenes, is 
 reputed to have boasted that he could dress in 
 half a minute; but it should be remembered 
 that his rapid performance was merely a species 
 of dog toilet — a shake, and ready for breakfast. 
 
 A less austere man, Dr. Johnson, allowed him- 
 self ten minutes for his morning devotions to 
 personal appearance ; but it was a hurried job, 
 and he looked very much like a man suddenly 
 roused by a cry of fire. These men of genius 
 never bothered about a clean parting or a neat 
 tie. Let us be charitable, and allow half an hour 
 to every disciple of soap and water.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 79- 
 
 The crinoline was a French discover}'. It is 
 a luxurious and graceful invention, and was 
 instantly sent to Sheffield for improvement by 
 our first engineers. England may claim the 
 honour of red petticoats. They are captivating, 
 and have their effect. To neither of these inno- 
 cent frolics could the most offensive moralist 
 object. Neither should the just judge turn his 
 back upon another British flight of fancy. We 
 refer to that curious arrangement of strings by 
 means of which a Isidj can, in wet weather, draw 
 up her dress like a blind and festoon the skirt 
 around at modest petticoat height. A relation 
 of the Bishop of Exeter — a severe man, with a 
 touch of Quaker blood — professed to be disgusted 
 with each of these fashions, and, having been 
 in early youth (when dissipated) apprenticed (for 
 three j^ears) to a comic newspaper, he composed 
 the following skit upon these popular adorn- 
 ments. He objects to them more especially in 
 windy weather. He treats the tempest-tossed 
 and buffeted creatures as ships struggling with a 
 hurricane : — 
 
 "The Georgiette, of Kensington, Captain De
 
 80 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Lancy commanding, bound for Lewis and 
 Allenby's, with specie for settlements, expe- 
 rienced very rough weather whilst working up 
 Regent Strait. The gale, which was blowing 
 from the West- Central district, seized the 
 Georgiette fore and aft, blowing her maintop 
 bonnet-strings into ribbons, and carrying away 
 her sheet- anchorchief. With great presence of 
 mind Captain De Lancy instantly ordered the 
 skirt to be taken in three reefs, for the headgear 
 had broken from its fastenings, scattering the 
 hairpins to the raging elements, and the back 
 hair in furious waves was sweeping the bare neck. 
 Knowing that the Strand was not far distant, the 
 gallant Captain commanded skirts to be further 
 taken in, and, by the timely assistance of tugs, 
 was enabled to return with closely-furled flounces 
 to the Kensington Roads, where the Georgiette 
 will undergo repairs. 
 
 *' When last seen, the Nancy, of Bedford-ro^v, 
 Hopkins, skipper, was perfectly unmanageable, 
 scudding before the wind with torn mantle, 
 damaged crinoline, and double skirts flapping. 
 The Atlas, two-horse power, with passengers for
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 81' 
 
 over tlie water, observed the Nancy throwing out 
 signals of distress, but was unable to render the 
 slightest assistance, her wheels labouring heaYil3\ 
 The unfortunate Nancy is known to have gone 
 down, but her hands, though bruised, escaped, 
 and were eventually picked up. 
 
 " Towards nine o'clock p.m., the gale had- 
 somewhat abated. The Bouncing Bet, of Wap- 
 ping, bound for Tottenham Eoads with fish, reports^ 
 having seen a clipper, evidently of foreign build- 
 (supposed to be the Anastasie from Havre, De 
 Jouvin, master, long since due at Bayswater witb 
 tea and sugar), beating about the southern circus 
 in great peril, her sansflectum trailing behind/ 
 and not a stitch of her gathers holding together. 
 She had evidently mistaken the lights of Svran; 
 and Edgar for those of Hodge and Lowman, at 
 the northern circus. She exchanged observa- 
 tions with H.M. man-of-war Peeler, who, though 
 half-seas-over, gallantly took her in charge. 
 A claim will be made upon the owner for 
 salvage." 
 
 A few years since — it was in the autumn time, 
 for partridges hung by the legs, and bread sauce 
 
 VOL. I. Q
 
 82 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 was according to law — we had the felicity of 
 living opposite to a lady who would insist on 
 performing her afternoon's toilet with the blinds, 
 up. The lady was of foreign birth, young and 
 beautiful. Our street let fashionable lodgings, 
 and this lovely stranger did her hair in the 
 second-floor front. 
 
 You may readily imagine how bewildering this 
 exhibition must have been to a gentleman of 
 modest and retiring behaviour. In vain did we 
 endeavour to shun the spectacle ; in vain did we 
 avert our blushing eyes, or, to forget the vision, 
 seek oblivion in the Morning Post. There was 
 a terrible fascination about that revelation of 
 hairdressing which forced us to look on as though 
 a spirit voice had cried " Behold ! '* Yielding to 
 our fate we allowed our eyesight full range, and 
 made notes. 
 
 That foreign lady, when the toilet was com- 
 pleted, was as beautiful a creature as ever dipped 
 finger in pomatum. But before the process of 
 decoration commenced, she was a commonplace 
 and rather plain mortal. Then our heart was 
 low; but gradually, barometer-like, as the titi-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 88 
 
 vated countenance brightened, our feelings rose 
 from "change "to '*fair," until, when the art- 
 touches ceased and a sunshine of beauty illumined 
 her every feature, the dial of our emotions re- 
 mained firmly fixed at *' very fair," and not even 
 the knowledge of the artful process could alter 
 our sentiments. 
 
 That foreign lady — perhaps the method may 
 be new and worth remembering — dressed her top 
 hair into a kind of rouleau, which she mastered 
 by means of a thick ruler, somewhat after the 
 manner of making rocket-cases. We have wit- 
 nessed that patient angel do and undo that roll, 
 coronet, or whatever may be its professional 
 name, half a dozen times, until w^e grew as 
 excited as Bruce watching the spider. How 
 she smoothed and plastered it over the ruler ! 
 how tenderly she removed that instrument from 
 the tube ! and how carefull}-, when the result 
 was approved, did she carry her head, as if 
 balancing the fragile ornament ! 
 
 Presently she would dive down and be busy 
 examining the contents of her dressing-table 
 <lrawer, and, whilst we were wondering what she 
 
 G 2
 
 84 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 was seeking, her hands would come to sight 
 holding big bunches of lovely ringlets, which in 
 a little time were, with uncommon dexterit}^ 
 securely hairpinned, and the head, which but a 
 few minutes since was but scantily adorned, was 
 on a sudden flooded with curls, elastic and glossy, 
 flowing over her polished shoulders (which stood 
 out like islands of ivory separating the dark 
 stream) and cascading down the back, an irresist- 
 ible cataract of loveliness. 
 
 Oh, it was a sweet and soothing sight to watch 
 this fair creature, now toning down her com- 
 plexion with the powder-puff, and now heighten- 
 ing the roseate tints on the cheekbone to a hectic 
 flush, which spoke rather of interesting than of 
 robust health ! The correction of the eyebrows 
 was a labour of love, and, crayon in hand, she 
 devoted herself to the task with the patience and 
 firmness of a writing-master touching up his 
 pupiFs holiday letter, strengthening the fault}^ 
 lines, perfecting the curves, and straightening 
 the jagged edges. 
 
 The eyes occupied much time, and required to 
 be held close to the glass whilst under treatment,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 85 
 
 for fear the dark line painted under the lashes 
 should be administered with too bold an effect, 
 and betray the art which imparted such bewitch- 
 ing brillianc}^ to her glances. 
 
 Another very original improvement was the 
 application of a cobalt effect under the eye — a 
 slight smudge toned down with a fine damask 
 napkin, until the merest tint remained, as though 
 the china-blue of the eyeball were showing 
 through the transparent skin. The success of 
 this "one touch of nature" was surprising. It 
 persuaded the enraptured gazers that the fair 
 being before them was but a weak and fragile 
 creature, doomed to perish in her loveliness — to 
 bloom and die the death of the roses. 
 
 Sympathies such as these, if too painfully 
 aroused, are apt to interfere with enjoyment, by 
 calling forth more pity than compliments, there- 
 ibre my opposite neighbour, to convince her 
 worshippers that she enjoyed better health than 
 they might imagine, imparted to her lips a 
 luscious cherry redness, by ingeniously outlining 
 the " Cupid's bow" with that delicious pigment 
 de toilette known as " Chinese red,^^ an invention
 
 8G FACES FOE 'FORTUNES. 
 
 borrowed from that truly celestial people, and 
 wliicli, on woman's mouth, has overthrown more 
 men than even the Chinesian discovery of gun- 
 powder has slaughtered from the cannon's. 
 When this lady " over the w^ay" had completed 
 her adornments, it was indeed a treat to behold 
 the success she commanded; and oft have w^e 
 from our window witnessed her entry into the 
 drawing-room below, and with tears of pity gazed 
 on the paroxysms of her enraptured husband, 
 who, unhappy man, would impulsively have 
 pressed her to his fond lips ; but, alas ! he was 
 invariably repulsed and his affection thwarted on 
 account of the Chinese pigment. 
 
 These are but a few of the elegant troubles of 
 dressing (to an upright woman a pleasure and 
 art-study), and to furnish a complete list of them 
 would fill book-shelves. In the great combat that 
 is every day being fought between the sexes, each 
 is so desirous of conquest that no art or strategy 
 has been neglected for assisting the attack ; and 
 the article of padding alone would occupy a life- 
 time for its description. 
 
 In this battle-field, where the tailor and the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 87 
 
 milliner lead on their opposing forces, the 
 struggle continues day and night. Balls can- 
 not end it, and the rout is never decisive. Sup- 
 plies do not lack. The mangled trimmings, the 
 tattered dress, the soiled gloves, are quickly 
 rejiewed, and again the battle rages. Even old 
 age valiantly refuses to retreat from the struggle, 
 but wars in the same ranks, shoulder to shoulder, 
 with youth and beauty ; and, although frequently 
 repulsed, still draws his brave cheque, and, with 
 Truefit at his head, singles out the nearest 
 crinoline. 
 
 Linda was the finest girl out of a family of 
 sixteen, of whom seven were early selected by 
 Death as sweet samples of worldly innocence, 
 whilst the spared lambs remained, not only to 
 share their parents' love, but eventually their 
 property — equally, with reversions to survivors. 
 Thus early her own mistress, and possessed of 
 an independence which, if it did not warrant a 
 costly establishment, at least authorised the com- 
 forts of furnished apartments, Linda yielded to 
 the pleasures and attractions of fashion, and 
 soon became conspicuous from her devotion to
 
 •oS FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 rsnltatory delights, ever preferring to thread the 
 •lively dance rather than the domestic needle, and 
 •always ready to point the fantastic toe in pre- 
 •ference to the wholesome moral. 
 
 Affecting the dress and manners of the quality, 
 she grew, by forwardness, to be considered' as a 
 leader at the entertamments she frequented, 
 where her conversational vein, commanding 
 wonder, rapidly induced imitators, several of 
 her expressions being adopted by her feeble 
 companions, who thenceforth would speak of a 
 man as a " dear toad," or, with unpardonable 
 freedom, term him " an agreeable devil." 
 
 Thus, alas ! had childhood's meekness yielded 
 to a dangerous effrontery, which, heightened by 
 extravagance in dress, so shocked her loving 
 sisters that, to mark their disapprobation, they 
 modestly preferred being " out^' whenever their 
 giddy relation called. Once, in the hopes of a 
 ■sudden awakening, they accepted an invitation to 
 drink tea, and neglected not to mingle the flow 
 of soul with the refreshing herb, or to elevate 
 the feast of tea-cakes into that of reason. 
 
 In her twentieth year Linda was fortunate
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 89 
 
 enough to attract the attention of a gentleman 
 from foreign parts, who, though far advanced in 
 years, still retained sufficient of his youthful fire 
 to suggest the kindling of Hymen's torch ; and, 
 happening to admire the lady's rotund and com- 
 fortable proportions, as well as her activity, not 
 only mental but gymnastic, he was seized with 
 love and acknowledged its empire. 
 
 Flattered by the selection of one so wealthy, 
 and softened, perhaps, by the presentations of 
 jewels and vows (how invaluable !) of eternal 
 constancy, the snowy coldness of Linda at last 
 thawed before the flame of her aged swain, and, 
 casting herself on her De Chemminy's bosom, 
 she accepted his proffered hand, as w^ell as the 
 precious tribute it offered, coquettishly permit- 
 ting the necklace to encircle her ample throat. 
 
 Now, the gay Linda de Chemminy allowed 
 her fashionable desires full play. Mistress of 
 a magnificent establishment, adored by her ad- 
 miring husband, whose fond eyes were never 
 tired of worshipping her queenlike robustness, 
 she sacrificed to pleasure, employing none but 
 the first pastrycooks.
 
 '90 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Her life was a long succession of dances and 
 dinners, junkets and liigli jinks, reunions, recep- 
 tion?, and routs ; so that sunliglit was replaced 
 by tlie glare of lamps, and the larks high in 
 heaven might have beheld her still frisking in 
 her drawing-room; for with the gay Linda to 
 be up with that early bird meant not the rising 
 for the day refreshed from bed, but (0 perverted 
 mind !) that it was yet too early for her to retire 
 to the comforts of her lace-edged pillow. 
 
 Her martyred husband, exhausted by ]3ro- 
 longed dances, with which his feeble legs were 
 unequal to cope, surrendered to a full supper, 
 assisted by a sluggish liver, and quitted life 
 after a hearty indulgence in a luscious Mayon- 
 naise. 
 
 Eefusing to heed this warning, Linda de 
 Chemminy continued her sports. Her attend- 
 ants, worn out with exhaustion, refused to stay 
 in her service, and sought situations where more 
 sleep was permitted. The delicate Alice Brock- 
 ley, a girl so beautiful that one of our first 
 Baronets once offered to embrace her, was seized 
 with somnambulism brought on by having to
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 91 
 
 perform her duties when half asleep, and the 
 sweetest face in England was only preserved to 
 us by tlie timely aid of a spring mattress and 
 cowheels stewed in port wine. But the iDunish- 
 ment was at hand. The sufferings of English 
 and French attendants were to be avenged, and 
 terrible was the atonement ! 
 
 After an unusually brilliant entertainment, 
 w^here the sprightly and wealthy widow had 
 danced incessantly and refused' offers of mar- 
 riage from half her partners, she reached her 
 mansion just as the milkmen were taking their 
 morning walks. 
 
 She complained of fatigue, and was assisted 
 to her chamber by Watkins, Marie Chabot, and 
 the lovely Alice Brockley. The undressing of 
 the exhausted Linda had scarcely commenced 
 when she fell into a heavy slumber. Her back 
 hair was taken off and carefully put away, her 
 frizettes were removed, and her Alexandra curls 
 placed in their drawer ; yet she moved not ! 
 One by one her golden ornaments were stowed 
 away in their cushioned cases — bracelets, rings, 
 necklaces, coronets, brooches, earrings, costly
 
 92 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 trinkets, whose value might e'en have i)uzzled 
 the advances of Attenborough himself. 
 
 Presentl}^ the roses were culled from the front 
 garden of her bosom and removed to the con- 
 servatory of the w^ardrobe. Skirts of tinkling 
 satin, slips of rustling silk, were folded and put 
 by ; laces, which Elise w^ould have kissed in 
 rapture, w^ere smoothed and locked up ; and, 
 though the gaping servitors w^orked with energy, 
 nearly one hour had fled before the frills of 
 Linda de Chemminy's embroidered nightcap 
 overshadowed her massive ej^ebrows. Yet she 
 moved not ! 
 
 She was carried to her bed uttering the most 
 affecting snores. Five night-bells were pulled 
 by frantic hands in livery. The science of Lon- 
 don met. For months the deadly nightshade 
 illumined that room of sickness. The faculty 
 declared their patient to be suffering from cata- 
 lepsy of a highly stubborn character, and they 
 predicted that a comatose condition would super- 
 vene before cerebral activity could be restored. 
 All this happened. Linda de Chemminy, after 
 sleeping for weeks, arose an awakened woman.
 
 FACES FOR FOETUNES. 93 
 
 Parliament is usually sitting during Februar}-, 
 and that alone is a great comfort. Town is full, 
 the spring fashions are just published, and the 
 M.P.'s are in full song. It only wants straw- 
 berries and green peas to be a little cheaper, 
 to make February the pleasantest month of the 
 twelve. 
 
 Talking of Members of Parliament reminds 
 us that, as a rule, they are unpleasant creatures, 
 — cold, stubborn, and conceited — very. They 
 make unsatisfactory husbands. THey pretend 
 they are wedded to their country, wedded to 
 their cause, wedded to their opinions ; and natu- 
 rally, for a man to wed a lady after all these 
 weddings, must be an absurdity. Their conceit 
 can easily be accounted for. They look upon 
 themselves as the prize cauliflowers of the nation, 
 with the finest show of heads. 
 
 "We once saw an M.P. wheeling a perambu- 
 lator; but he was too good to live, and fell a 
 victim to chilblains. "We have known many a 
 good fellow, who would have adorned a tea table, 
 spoiled by winning an election. Getting to the
 
 0-1 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 top of the poll turns their heads, and they do not 
 like coming down again, even to eat their meals 
 modestly. 
 
 The instant an M.P. is an M.P. he as- 
 sumes a dismal solemnity, intended to repre- 
 sent wisdom. He swells with importance, and 
 walks his daily rounds with the authority of a 
 superior policeman ordering progress to move on, 
 and threatening to pull up all grievances before 
 the House. He engages a secretary, and fancies 
 statistics. He sets his poor slave to work on 
 blue books, and keeps him at them for weeks 
 together, that he may electrify the House on the 
 Egg question. With a little talking to, you could 
 induce him to bring forward a bill for the better 
 regulation of jokes, with a view to the suppres- 
 sion of explosions. His notion is that the world 
 cannot be happy until it knows how miserable 
 it is. When the nation requires rousing from 
 its sleepy comfort, he gets up a tea-meeting, 
 and explains his views as soon as the tea-things 
 are taken away. If you inquire after his poli- 
 tical opinions, he prefers, before he ansvv^ers you, 
 reading the papers to find out what is popular.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 95 
 
 One of his great points is, that he is not 
 pledged to any party, which means he is open 
 to the bribes of either side of the House, or, as 
 Attenborough would remark, that no advances 
 have as yet been made for his spouting. When 
 the mob is for peace, he bleats tame lamb-like 
 opinions against war; but, when bloodshed is 
 in vogue, he mounts the British lion and roars 
 for corpses. He is fond of prefacing his speeches 
 with the confession that he is not gifted with the 
 impressive oratory of a Burke or a Hare, neither 
 does he possess the persuasive eloquence of Can- 
 ning, Fox, or Pitt; but in his heart he thinks 
 otherwise, and if you want to get jouv son into 
 the Treasury,. you have only to tell him he far 
 surpasses all these great men put together. 
 
 In fact, he is a dreary absurditj^ badly se- 
 lected; and if his wisdom brings forth fruits 
 they cannot be judged of by his (s)peeches. He 
 is an ]M.P., and that is his comfort ; though 
 most of his constituents believe these letters to 
 stand for Man of the People, Mouther on Plat- 
 forms, and Money in Pocket, with more reason 
 than for Member of Parliament.
 
 96 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 That girls can, with an effort, love M.P.'s is, 
 of course, a convincing j^roof that there is no 
 checking the charity of the sex. Talking is the 
 prerogative of woman, and any man who invades 
 her rights, hy chattering until three in the morn- 
 ing, sliouid he held in disfavour. It is, however, 
 satisfactory to know that the silent members are 
 in most demand. One advantage in favour of 
 M.P.^s as husbands, is that they cannot be ar- 
 rested for their debts. 
 
 We are not, be it understood, laying down as 
 law that any dear child, whose cherished object 
 sits on the Opposition or Government side of 
 the House should, because he is a legislator, 
 therefore slam the door of her heart in his face, 
 and tell him that love is out. No; our object is 
 to assist the weak to climb to her happiness — to 
 teach her how^ she may ascend the slippery pole 
 of life, and triumphantly carry off the family leg 
 of mutton. We will mention instances in which 
 success has crowned the gentle endeavours of 
 discerning fond ones. 
 
 We all remember the year when the promising 
 nephew of the respected Lord Perkins, the hand-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 97 
 
 some and gifted Barclay Mclnt3a'e, was returned 
 for Pairth. Of good fortune and a noble Scotch 
 family, educated at an expenditure which at once 
 secured the arts and sciences, he burst suddenly 
 upon the political horizon and created an im- 
 mense sensation. 
 
 Meeting him at an evening party, Lady Clara 
 Vere de Vere accepted his hand for the Lancers 
 and yielded up her heart to love. She at once 
 resolved to be his bride or die of consumption. 
 At her earnest entreaty, he confided to her the 
 night when he would make his maiden speech ; 
 and further confessed, in the fondest tones, that 
 the subject of his oration would be the extra 
 duty recently imposed on Scotch whiskies. 
 Moreover, he presented her with a ticket to the 
 ladies' gallery. 
 
 The United Kingdom was on the tip -toe of 
 expectation. Lady Clara Yere de Vere was in 
 her seat behind the screen of brass, an opera- 
 glass in one hand and the other pressing against 
 her bounding heart. At length Mr. Barclay 
 Mclntyre caught the Speaking eye. 
 
 He rose, he said, to present a petition, nume- 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 98 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 rously signed by the inhabitants of Pairth, 
 against the increased duties on whiskies. He 
 spoke feelingly of the affliction the extra tax 
 had occasioned in Pairth, and assured the House 
 that he was pleading for the widow and the 
 orphan. He i)ointed out the impolicy of this 
 heavy impost, and mentioned, as a convincing 
 proof of its evil effects, that whereas a few years 
 since the Commander-in-Chief had issued a 
 special order prohibiting the bands of the Scotch 
 regiments from playing the favourite air of 
 "We'll a' get fou" (because it had been found 
 to occasion a maladie clu pays and encouraged 
 desertion), yet since this obnoxious extra duty 
 had been imposed, not only had the favourite 
 tune referred to been restored to the band- 
 m^aster's rejyertoire, but it had ceased to exert its 
 inspiriting influence over the men ; for finding 
 that their national beverage could not be obtained 
 at a cheaper rate in their beloved land than 
 in England, they had completely lost that pecu- 
 liar nationality which had hitherto distinguished 
 their general behaviour. The honourable member 
 was proceeding to observe something more, when
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 09 
 
 a temperance member requested that tlie Koiise 
 might be counted, and, as it did not contain 
 forty members, and they were none of them 
 worth having, the discussion was adjourned and 
 the petition lost. 
 
 When Lady Clara Vere de Vere again met 
 Barclay Mclntyre, he was suffering from disap- 
 pointed ambition. '^ I could scarce^ restrain my 
 tears," exclaimed Lady Clara, " when you men- 
 tioned the widows and the orphans. I thought 
 I should have been taken ill when you described 
 the maladie du jmys. It was indeed beautiful ! " 
 
 She was his only admirer ! He instantly pro- 
 posed marriage, and was fortunate enough to 
 be accepted. They have now eight children. 
 
 A very witty little lady (of noble birth) once 
 very nearly missed an excellent offer by treating 
 the solemnity of the occasion with parliamentary 
 gravity. A more charitable creature than Vis- 
 count Mappin, M.P., did not exist. At Christ- 
 mas he invariably presented every poor woman 
 on his estates with a quarter of an ounce of 
 snuff. Beloved for his virtues, and courted for 
 his 'wealth, the Marquis would have been the 
 
 H 2
 
 100 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 happiest member in parliament but for the dis- 
 tressing circumstance that he was so confoundedly 
 melancholy. Though he had tried every M.D. in 
 Saville Eow, in the hopeless search after better 
 spirits, medicine availed him not, and but for hot 
 punch his life would have been intolerable. 
 
 The drawing-rooms he honoured with his 
 mournful presence were also enlivened by the 
 sparkling dialogues of the witty Thomasin. On 
 one occasion as he listened to her, he could not 
 suppress a smile. Grateful for the new sensation, 
 he resolved to make her his own. 
 
 To a man whose uncut timber at all times 
 commanded the most abject respect, our little 
 lady turned a saucy wicked face. As they stood 
 in the conservatory, the Viscount besought her 
 to be his bride. *' I love you, dearest Thomasin," 
 exclaimed the Yiscount, '' dearly, fondly." 
 
 " Hear ! hear ! " cried the witty Thomasin. 
 
 ** My fortune is at your disposal," continued 
 the Viscount. 
 
 " Question ! " exclaimed Thomasin. 
 
 " My duty through life shall be to study your 
 happiness," he added.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 101 
 
 " Loud laughter, amidst which the member 
 resumed his seat," interrupted the silly girl. 
 
 He was wounded to the quick, and went home 
 in a street cab. She had to visit the lady's gal- 
 lery eight times, and for twelve months i^raise 
 every remark he ventured, before he could forgive 
 her cruel behaviour. 
 
 Always, my dears, treat with becoming respect 
 the serious proposals of a Viscount. 
 
 MARCH. 
 
 This month is celebrated for its wind and its 
 quarter-day, and neither of these occurrences is 
 pleasant. Every man when his rent is due finds 
 fault with his house and thinks it might be better 
 at the price; and is there a more distressing 
 spectacle than to behold a carefully dressed girl 
 buffeted by the gale ? 
 
 Our heart has bled to see the full skirt leap 
 madly into space, twisting and flapping as if 
 it would burst from its gathers; to watch the 
 frantic petticoat jump and struggle to be free 
 from hook and eye ; to behold the flounces
 
 102 FACES FOR FOPtTUXES. 
 
 undulate and writhe like snakes ! Shawls, pale- 
 tots and cloaks, puff out like sails, and the 
 straightest back seems round as a full sack. 
 Perhaps, whilst the little hands secure the bon- 
 net, the neat collar is blown around the face 
 like a bouquet-paper, or the sleeve is thrust 
 back, and the white arm bared, or the little 
 curls burst from their combs and ripple in the 
 breeze. 
 
 This is truly a heartrending spectacle ! The 
 toilet, the work of hours, destroyed in an instant ! 
 Neither does it lessen the sorrow to know that 
 all assistance is unavailing and even dangerous, 
 for, annoyed with the disaster, the fair creature 
 is apt to be spiteful. A friend of ours once 
 endeavoured to calm a frantic skirt, and had his 
 face smacked, and we thanked the lady for the 
 wholesome lesson she taught him. 
 
 We can remember but one instance of a gale 
 of London wind having, in a matrimonial sense, 
 been of service to the fair sex, and that was whea 
 a chimney-pot fell on the head of a thoroughly 
 bad husband, and the elegant Lady MaryLebone 
 was made a widow. When we mention that Sir
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 103 
 
 Charles had added personal violence to liis long 
 list of crimes, and liad raised liis deadly hair- 
 brush against his lady, we hardly think his fate 
 merits a tear. 
 
 But Providence tempers the wind to the shorn 
 angels. Although the promenades of the metro- 
 polis are forbidden ways to our lovely ones, have 
 they not the Crystal Palace still open to them ? 
 Sheltered by that fine building, they may be as 
 snug as a cucumber in its frame. The flower- 
 show invites them to gather together, and show 
 faces against bright blossoms ; and, as mammas 
 well know, there is nothing like a flower-show 
 for stimulating the beauty of their girls. The 
 countenance brightens with an expression of 
 wondering admiration — every feature is in play ; 
 the little nostril expanded to sniff the perfume ; 
 the mouth nearly laughing with delight, while 
 in the pink opening the teeth are sparkling; 
 the eyes bright and full — almost savage, as if 
 watching for a chance to pounce upon the 
 flowers, and eat them up. Never mind looking 
 at the flowers, they cannot run away ; but such 
 a show of pretty faces, all smiling with pleasure,
 
 104 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 you may never see again, or you will be older, 
 and not be able to enjoy them so thoroughly. 
 That prince of good fellows, Sir Jackson John- 
 boy, parted with eight thousand a year through 
 a show of azaleas. He asked dear Flora Gar- 
 dens to have a cup of coffee, and, whilst it was 
 cooling, poured out his warm love, and made her 
 cry, poor thing, and spoil her bonnet strings. 
 
 We are so passionately fond of flower-shows 
 that we attend them all. We were at the first 
 that was held at Sydenham — the most exciting 
 exhibition ever known. If on that never-to-be- 
 forgotten Saturday it had rained, as it had done 
 on the five previous days of the week, at the very 
 smallest calculation d640,000's worth of beautiful 
 bonnets and lovely dresses, would most assuredly 
 have been completely ruined. At first this state- 
 ment sounds like the raving of a mad calculating 
 boy; but to prove its truthfulness, we need only 
 say, that at least 10,000 ladies were present at 
 the Flower Show ; and that each one, whether 
 old or young, was drest in her best and her 
 newest. So lovely were the toilets, that it was 
 like a vast gathering of bridesmaids.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 105 
 
 There were yards upon yards of costly lace; 
 and miles of gold chains ; gardens of artificial 
 flowers ; clouds of muslin ; continents of velvet ; 
 and oceans of watered silk. We appeal to the 
 milliners of Kegent Street and Belgravia, whether 
 our statistics are exaggerated or not. Depend 
 upon it, ^50,000 would not have covered the 
 damage. 
 
 On that memorable Saturday morning, how 
 many young ladies were, for perhaps the first 
 time in their lives, up at six o'clock, and looking 
 out of window to see what kind of a day it was to 
 be? How sad and depressed they must have 
 felt, to see the dull heavy sky, and watery clouds. 
 Resting on the chairs, and waiting to be put on, 
 were the beautiful new dresses, whose delicate 
 colours would show each rain spot ; and the dainty 
 little kid boots that a puddle would ruin for ever. 
 
 Saturday morning threatened rain ; the air was 
 still and sultry, the sky leaden and heavy, but 
 still people had set their hearts upon the visit, 
 and, despite their handsome clothing, had deter- 
 mined upon risking every danger. Before eleven 
 o'clock, cabs, broughams, and carriages, were
 
 lOG FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 standiDg before half tlie doors in the squares and 
 principal streets. The first to take the road were 
 the vehicles hired for the day, \Yith drivers ordered 
 to "go stead}'," and not tire the horses. You 
 could see they were going to the Flower Show, 
 by the light bonnets and bright dresses of the 
 hidies inside, and the stiff collars and wonderful 
 waistcoats of the gentlemen accompanying them. 
 The drivers' gloves too, were strangely clean, 
 considering it was Saturda}^ and the old weather- 
 stained livery had been brushed up with more 
 than ordinary care and vigour, in honour of so 
 fashionable an occasion. 
 
 By and by the heavy family carriages began to 
 crawl slowly over the London stones, the springs 
 trembling at each bump, from the weight of the 
 six inside. It was late in the day before the 
 dashing equipages began their journeys — darting 
 through the streets like fire-engines, and making 
 such a wind, that the leaves were torn off from 
 the geraniums in the coachman's button-hole. 
 We only saw^ one of these brilliant turn-outs. 
 In the capacious interior, and almost lost in 
 space, were seated a lady and gentleman, so stiff,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. lOT 
 
 and solemn, and costl}^ that they reminded us of 
 portraits. We thought to ourselves, the horses 
 in the hired broughams limp, and are dusty, and 
 have bits of carpet tied round their fetlocks ; but 
 the i^eople inside were laughing when they passed 
 us; the fiimily carriage had a doctor's boy hang- 
 ing on behind, and it was crowded, the traces 
 were very tight, and the horses already panting, 
 but theifemily was evidently enjoying itself, whilst 
 that noble frozen couple — with their magnificent 
 coach, shining like polished steel, and their black 
 steeds prancing like circus horses — have passed a 
 life so monotonous with pleasure, that at last en- 
 joyment has become a business, and, they ride 
 down to a Flower Show, as seriously as a lawj^er 
 with his red bag rides down to the City. After 
 all, jog-trot is better than dash; two hours on 
 the road and plenty of laughter, is preferable to 
 thirty minutes' rattle and silent grandeur. 
 
 The trains started every ten minutes, and it 
 was fortunate they did so ; for the cabs that were 
 driving up to the station poured out such crowds 
 that no sooner were the doors of railway-carriages 
 opened, than the seats were filled. The arms.
 
 108 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 of the clerks must have ached [from issuing 
 the tickets. 
 
 The crowd, too, was a fashionable one. As 
 the purses were drawn out to pay the half-crown 
 fare they looked heavy, the jportemonnaies bulged 
 out like miniature carpet-bags, and the silk purses 
 were as full and weighty at each end as life pre- 
 servers. The ladies took care to manage their 
 hands so as to preserve the purity of their deli- 
 cately-tinted gloves, and the gentlemen put out 
 their polished leather boots with all the care 
 requisite to exhibit their lustre on the soft foot- 
 rugs of the carriages. Ivory-handled, lace-covered 
 parasols, and gold-headed canes, were held in the 
 most conspicuous manner, and everything be- 
 tokened a holiday on the most unlimited scale 
 of enjoyment and competition in fashionable 
 attire. 
 
 At one o'clock the sun, as if to patronise the 
 beautiful flowers grouped in the main avenue of 
 the Palace, made his appearance; and as he did 
 so up went the parasols of the ladies, as though 
 they were presenting arms in gratitude for the 
 distinguished visit. The effect in the crystal
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 109 
 
 building was extremely beautiful. Before the 
 bright light burst out, half the beauties of the 
 scene had been hidden in mist, and now 
 everything was brightened up as a coat of 
 varnish brings out the indistinct tones of an 
 old painting. 
 
 As you gazed down the building, the roof seemed 
 like a covering of net-work, whose threads, gradu- 
 ally closing in the distance, appeared from its 
 lightness to be arched like a scarf of gauze in- 
 flated and supported by the wind. You lost all 
 notion of iron ribs and strong metal beams ; it 
 seemed almost impossible that such a covering 
 could fall in ; indeed, the columns had almost 
 the effect of having been placed there, not to sup- 
 port, but rather to prevent the roof from ascend- 
 ing into the air. The baskets of creeping plants, 
 suspended like chandeliers from the ceiling, were 
 brilliantly green with the new year's leaves, and 
 the long bright shoots hung downwards, swinging 
 in the current of air, dotting the clear sky, and 
 pleasantly breaking-up the monotony of the per- 
 spective. At the farthest end was the crystal 
 fountain towering up over the crowd, and sending
 
 110 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 forth from every point the sun played upon, the 
 brilliant hues of the prism. 
 
 Several birds found their way — without the aid 
 of season-tickets — into the building. A black- 
 bird passed the greater part of his time in flying 
 from side to side and perching on the suspended 
 baskets of creeping plants. His whistle echoed 
 throughout the Palace, causing the visitors to 
 search for him in almost every place, excepting 
 where he really was. 
 
 Half-way down both the north and south nave 
 were erected the two principal stands on which 
 the choicest flowers were exhibited. The wood- 
 work had been covered with a green glazed calico, 
 giving it at some little distance somewhat the 
 effect of a grass mound. Over each stand, sus- 
 pended by thin invisible ropes, were two long 
 canopies of white linen, that seemed to hang in 
 the space like clouds, protecting the beautiful 
 plants below from the hot rays of the sun. Above 
 the heads of the crowd surrounding the plants, 
 might be seen the bright flowers so full and bril- 
 liant with bloom, that until you came closer, they 
 appeared like patches of paint.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. Ill 
 
 Never had such a dispLay of mh'aculous plants 
 been exhibited in London. It is impossible to 
 give the faintest idea of their beauty and splen- 
 dour. How such masses of blossoms could have 
 been made to appear at the same time, on the 
 same tree, is inconceivable. Each plant was a 
 heap of colour, as if it wore a skin of bloom, 
 hiding beneath it the branches, leaves, and stems. 
 Every quarter of the globe had contributed its 
 loveliest specimens. It was a species of horticul- 
 tural geography, a floral map, you were studying. 
 Abyssinia, Algeria, Bengal, Calcutta, Damascus, 
 England, Florence, Graham's Tov/n, had sent in 
 their flower-laden delegates to attend this con- 
 gress of beauty, and assert the claims of their 
 birth-places. The Azaleas, above all, were splen- 
 did. Here was one a mound of red blossoms, 
 the down in the leaves making them glow like red 
 coals, and causing so strong an impression in the 
 eye, that when you removed your gaze, you saw — 
 as when you have been looking at the sun — a dark 
 speck floating before you. There was another 
 plant, a pile of delicately-tinted pink, transparent 
 and soft as the flesh on a child's bosom; another
 
 112 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 was SO white, that j^ou fancied it would melt; 
 another of so deep a scarlet that it seemed to 
 step forward from the green background and 
 stand out from all its companions. To particu- 
 larize each specimen, would be simpl}^ to repeat 
 3^our expressions of admiration over and over 
 again. The best criticism was that of the edu- 
 cated crowd around, who, stupefied by the gor- 
 geousness of the sight, could only exclaim, 
 *' Beautiful! beautiful!'' 
 
 The young ladies exclaimed at each step, "What 
 beautiful bouquets they would make ! '' A fine 
 creature in mourning, and using a heavy golden 
 eye-glass, examined so closely into a mound of 
 scarlet bloom that the blaze of its brilliance 
 flushed her cheeks most becomingly, and many 
 gentlemen were visibly affected, and enquired if 
 she were a widow. A little girl, with hair so 
 golden you could have made epaulettes out 
 of it, clapped her hands before a mass of white 
 blossoms a trifle larger than a sack of flour, and 
 said she should like to jump into the midst of it. 
 We wished the plant had been ours ; we would 
 have let her do it.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 113 
 
 There was a pine-apple it would be a sin to eat 
 even at your wedding. If the late Mr. Lance 
 had seen it, he would have had fits. Its huge 
 variegated leaves hung around the fruit like 
 scimitars to guard it from the greedy. The fruit 
 itself was dusted over with a red bronze-like 
 powder, and puckered in and out, so that each 
 prominence shone like metal. They did right to 
 class it with the flowers. 
 
 Many noses of exquisite shape were smudged 
 with poUen, through their enthusiastic owners 
 having thrust their enquiring faces into the bell- 
 shaped blossoms, and the gardeners who had 
 nursed and tended these wonderful flowers, had 
 come to see how their labours were appreciated. 
 These men walked about completely absorbed in 
 the show. They were not ashamed of their humble 
 shooting -coats ; they rubbed against satins at one 
 guinea a yard, and pushed between silks that 
 rustled proudly at the pressure, as if in anger. 
 It did one's heart good to see them ; they appeared 
 so happy and proud. They seemed to say, " We 
 did aU this ; this is our lovely work." 
 
 The worst of it was, they criticised too 
 vox* I. I
 
 114 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 minutely. Just as we were worshipping a 
 lovely pile of bloom, a gardener close to our 
 elbow destroyed our dream, by remarking to his 
 companion, "What do you think of that, Alf; 
 getting stale, isn't it ?" By Jove ! if that flower 
 was stale, what must a fresh one be like ! 
 Another couple of professionals declared that a 
 Dendrobium Pierardii Latifolium, that appeared 
 to us to be so full of blossom that its branches 
 were in danger of snapping off, was ''rather naked."" 
 It was clothed like a Persian prince ! 
 
 The Alhambra was, despite the number of 
 ladies present, deserted. Only one man, w^ho,. 
 by the length of his hair, must have been an 
 artist, stood before the Perseus of Benvenuto 
 Cellini. Everybody else was admiring Mr. Gaines* 
 azaleas, pink, red, orange, purple, white. All the 
 vocabulary of flattery has been showered down 
 upon these beautiful flowers; and do they not 
 deserve it ! Delecta ! oj)tima ! exquisita ! tri- 
 umphans ! 
 
 The clatter of spoons roused us up from our 
 dreamy admiration. We were near the refresh- 
 ment tables. All the silk dresses and pretty
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 115 
 
 bonnets were eating ices. Gallant gentlemen 
 darted across the path, almost rude in their 
 pushing earnestness, carrying plates of sponge- 
 cakes to the famishing beauties. 
 
 Never was company so various and interesting 
 assembled before. Invalids had found strength 
 enough to come as far as Sydenham and see the 
 beautiful flowers. They did them more good 
 than medicine. Chairs were wheeled round the 
 stands, the pale faces were turned up to gaze in 
 silence, the thin white lips were parted in ad- 
 miration. As if the flowers, in pity, had lent 
 some of their own bright colours to the white 
 cheeks of the sufferer, a slight tinge of pink 
 crept over their sad countenances. Here came a 
 youth leaning on the arm of his servant. By the 
 cockade in the livery hat, we knew that the lame 
 man had been wounded in battle. He had 
 brought with him his laurels to exhibit among 
 the flowers. But the majority of the visitors 
 were as jolly and healthy as any life assurance 
 office could wish. A clerical gentleman passed 
 by, with short trousers, displaying his shoe bows. 
 His black, angularly cut coat, was buttoned up 
 
 I 2
 
 116 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 to liis white cravat, and on his arm leant a lady 
 wearing the fullest dress allowed by Act of 
 Parliament — an acre of lilac silk. Those two 
 must be countrymen, perhaps living in the 
 neighbourhood. Their hats were brushed the 
 wrong way, their hair was brown as old hay, 
 and so was their skin. They walked about with 
 their strong hard hands behind them, their 
 thickly soled boots sounding loudly on the 
 wooden floors. Blue dresses — gray, pink, black, 
 white, purple, yellow, green dresses, were scat- 
 tered about in every direction. All the gentle- 
 men's hats were in good order and equal to 
 new. Those two young ladies must be sisters, 
 or why should they dress alike ? That little 
 girl is of Jewish origin, or she could never 
 carry such a heavy press of muslin, so many 
 ribbands, or such outrageous open-worked stock- 
 ings. Besides, why should the nose be so 
 arched ? 
 
 The mob — the well-behaved, gorgeous mob — 
 was getting hungry. They were making for the 
 dining-tables. A report had spread that the 
 pigeon pies were becoming exhausted, that the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 117 
 
 lobster salad was disappearing, and the sherry- 
 becoming warm. 
 
 In the open corridors looking into the gardens, 
 there were more flowers to be seen. Tulips as 
 big as claret glasses were arranged along one 
 side. We never did care much for tulips, and so 
 we passed on to the geraniums. 
 
 Imagine a pile as large as a hay-cock ! Each 
 tree was round as a ball, the green leaves peep- 
 ing through the bloom, and pleasantly specking 
 the plant. At a little distance you could almost 
 imagine that it was a bush on fire. Who could 
 decide which was to have the prize ? All were 
 equally beautiful. Imagine any one placing one 
 of these plants in his window ; it would choke 
 out the light, filling it up like a blind. 
 
 A smell of strawberries was borne on the 
 breeze blowing down the corridor. We turned 
 round as suddenly as if some one had tapped 
 us on the shoulder. Strawberries ! We fol- 
 lowed the scent, sniffing like a stag-hound on a 
 hot day, and reached a crowd ten deep round 
 a long table, every one with the head bent down 
 as if examining intently. How greedy every-
 
 118 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 body looked ! It was a warm daj^ each lip was 
 dry, and one strawberry was all that was required 
 to restore the strength. 
 
 If those who grew these strawberries had 
 done so in the hope of making them as big as 
 beetroot, they could not have met with better 
 success. How fat and delicious they looked, so 
 red near the stalk, so cream-coloured near the 
 tip ! As Tom Hood said, " Those strawberries 
 were so large they would object to lie two in 
 a bed." 
 
 Early in the day, we had heard one young 
 lady say to another young lady whom she met, 
 " My dear, have you seen the strawberries ? Do 
 go; it will make you so hungry!" Now we 
 understood the young lady's emotion. 
 
 Do the judges test these fruit by the taste or 
 the eye ? There are nectarines, and grapes, and 
 pears — in fact, every fruit. The poor little girls 
 stretched out their hands unconsciously towards 
 them ; they would give their best bonnet merely 
 to touch them. This part of the exhibition was 
 cruel and wickedly tantalising. 
 
 For encouraging the affections of the sexes.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 110 
 
 •whether on flower show days or during the 
 ordinary week-day exhibition, the Crystal Palace 
 is pre-eminently adapted. It is the shilling 
 -Garden of Paradise. Conversation cannot flag 
 when so many objects suggest fresh subjects. 
 And wdiat opportunities there are for a girl of 
 education to trot out her knowledge and assert 
 herself ! 
 
 Whenever Lady Cockle de Pillule visited 
 Sydenham, she always allowed her dear girls to 
 enjoy themselves. If she met any of her set — 
 any man whose intimacy was worth encouraging 
 — she would, pleading fatigue, ask him to take 
 care of her Lucy, and show her about the 
 building. In this way she secured the un- 
 suspecting Holloway Morison. She packed him 
 off with Lucy's little hand resting on his arm, 
 and when they came back both their faces were 
 flushed. 
 
 As they walked away from mamma, the inno- 
 cent Morison had, in a careless manner, asked 
 his pretty companion if she liked flowers. 
 "Flowers!" exclaimed the enthusiastic girl, 
 raising her eyes to his, " yes ! I worship all
 
 120 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the Flora. Have j'ou paid much attention to 
 Geological Flora ? " 
 
 " Not yet," replied HoUoway. 
 
 " It's such a delightful study," continued the 
 learned angel, "I dote on it. Only imagine 
 lepidodendrons fifty feet in height ! I always go 
 crazy when I talk of those dear equisetacese 
 and those pets of cycadese, though, perhaps you 
 prefer the stigmaria of our coal formations." 
 
 " Yes," observed the confused Morison, " I 
 admire coals, and, in fact, had a ton sent in 
 yesterday : what would England be without 
 them ? — we couldn't cook, or anything ! " 
 
 As they inspected the groups of the different 
 races of the human family, Lucy found another 
 opportunity of displaying her genius. " They 
 are a queer lot, ain^t they ? " remarked Holloway, 
 smiling. 
 
 " They are, indeed," muttered Lucy. Clasp- 
 ing her hands, she added, " How grateful we 
 ought to be that we were born in England. Of 
 the fifteen species which Bory de St. Vincent 
 gives to the biped genus, we belong to the most 
 perfect. Oh ! had I been born a Hottentot, I
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 121 
 
 think I must have destroyed myself ; for, 
 after reading Blumenbach, I never coukl have 
 endured the thought that I was the link between 
 the simiffi and the white races." So agitated was 
 the poor girl, that, to soothe her feelings, he in 
 pity led her to the picture-gallery. 
 
 There again her active mind overflowed with 
 entertaining knowledge. " I wish I had been an 
 artist ! " cried the inspired girl. " When I look 
 on a painting, I fancy I am seeing figures in my 
 sleep ! Oh ! what a blessing is eysight. Let us 
 thank dear Cimabue for inventing oil colours. 
 Without him, my pets Buonarotti, Raphael, and 
 Titian, and my own sweet delightful Guido, 
 could never have taught us beauty. But you 
 must not fancy that I do not adore the Spanish 
 school as well as the Italian : I love Murillo and 
 that bold Velasquez. He seems to paint so 
 rapidly, and dash it off with such ease, I fancy 
 I could almost do it as nicely myself. I doubt 
 if my beautiful Vandyke, who could finish a por- 
 trait in a day, was a match for Velasquez ! What 
 a difference between them and Gerard Douw, who 
 took five days to paint a broom — Ha ! ha ! ha ! ^'
 
 122 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Much puzzled, Morison replied, " Yes — a — I 
 like paintings very much, especially photographs." 
 
 Amazed, almost overwhelmed by the dazzling 
 attainments of the intellectual Lucy, it was an 
 indescribable relief when he returned her to 
 Lady Cockle de Pillule, and could soothe his 
 feelings with a glass of bitter ale. From that 
 day he began to study books, commencing with 
 history as related by Miss Porter in " The Scot- 
 tish Chiefs.'^ But after many attempts to stock 
 his mind, he shut up the book at Page 4, and 
 wrote an offer of marriage to the clever Lucy, 
 in which, though there were nine faults in spell- 
 ing, the amount of his income was most correctly 
 stated. 
 
 Now a day's courtship is conducted in so re- 
 fined and delicate a manner, that it is positively 
 painful to read of the cruel straits and rude, 
 rough customs which, a few hundred years ago, 
 surrounded the unhappy virgin. How grateful 
 should our present generation of beautiful inno- 
 cents be, to have escaped the insulting famili- 
 arities that, in the middle ages, were considered
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 123 
 
 the correct manner of confessing a preference, 
 when a silver sixpence was considered a fair 
 equivalent for a maiden's chaste kiss. An anti- 
 quarian, especially if he calls himself a gen- 
 tleman, must boil with rage as he records the 
 impertinence and boldness of olden time. 
 
 Who can read of our ancient customs without 
 feeling his heart slam-to with a violent gust of 
 rage at the guzzling weaknesses of man ? Oh, 
 how frail is human nature, how very fond of 
 cakes and ale, how unblushingly given to kissing, 
 and, most low propensity ! how graspingly at- 
 tached to a silver sixpence ! 
 
 There is a smell of brewing about the ancient 
 year, with its Leet-ale, Lamb-ale, Whitsun-ale, 
 Clerk-ale, Bride-ale, Church-ale, Scot-ale, Mid- 
 summer-ale, and a thousand such beer-barrel 
 feasts ! How terrible is it to reflect that, when- 
 ever ale was drank, cakes were eaten and kisses 
 given, or bought off with the fine of a silver 
 sixpence ! 
 
 A good man (probably in delicate health, and 
 a martja- to indigestion) has poured forth his 
 alliterated wrath, foamed up his rage against ale
 
 124 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 and cake feasts, calling the custom the " sole 
 Monarch of the Mouth, high steward to the sto- 
 mach, chiefe Ganymede to the gullet, prime peer 
 of the pot, protector of the pan -cakes, first 
 founder of the fritters, earle of egge-baskets, first 
 favourite to the ftying-pan, and greatest bashaw 
 to the batter-bowles." We are sorry he did not 
 mention kissing or the silver sixpence, for he 
 seems to have been a rare hand at invective. 
 
 We could snarl at the impurity of this world 
 until our teeth ached with the wind of our 
 breath ; we could howl at its moonshine vanities 
 until no pulmonic wafer could cure our hoarse- 
 ness. Why should malt liquor have such a hold 
 on man^s affections ? What is the reason that 
 cakes should influence our natures, or kissing 
 have any sway over our emotions, or a mean 
 little silver sixpence have any weight in our 
 moral balance? Oh that we could send our 
 hearts as easily as our watches to be cleaned 
 and repaired ! — that some great philosopher 
 would, with the magnifying glass of wisdom 
 fixed in his eye, examine, by the bright gas-light 
 of truth, our inner works, strengthen our main-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 125 
 
 springs, cleanse our meclianism, and regulate our 
 movements ! 
 
 Most of these customs began, it is said, with 
 religion, and have ended in — what ? Feasting 
 and hugging, with now a " sup of ale," and next 
 a kiss, now a mouthful of cake, and then a little 
 sixpence to stuff into the pouch. 
 
 To kiss before a multitude is, as every lady 
 will readily admit, fearfully vulgar ; but we insist 
 that to buy off a kiss with sixpence is simply 
 criminal. It is secrecy that gives to love its 
 power, truthfulness, and importance. The em- 
 brace before the mob, far from raising up 
 thoughts and feelings both instructive and 
 solemn, such as purify the mind and add de- 
 lights to the ceremony, only raises the shout 
 of laughter which degrades, not only the kisser, 
 but the kissed. If custom imperatively com- 
 mands us to kiss one another, let the tree- 
 shaded lane, and not the open street, be ap- 
 pointed for the ceremony ; let the birds and 
 bees be the only witnesses, and then all man- 
 kind will willingly and dutifully comply with 
 the ordinance. As for the little silver sixpence.
 
 126 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the very subject is so degrading that we shall 
 not even enter upon it. 
 
 For some hundred years there has existed in 
 England a custom so extraordinary, so wonderfully 
 curious, that we could not, for the life of us, refrain 
 from giving an account of the strange proceeding. 
 It appears that, in the northern counties, but 
 more especially in Cheshire and Lancashire, men 
 on Easter Monday go about the streets in gangs, 
 and whenever the}^ meet with a lady, they — 
 even though she should be very beautiful — force 
 her to submit to what is called a " lifting " or 
 " heaving," which consists in raising her in a 
 horizontal position three times from the ground. 
 The rude fellows who perform this ceremony 
 require what is delicately termed " the reward 
 of a chaste salute." Those damsels, who are 
 what is ridiculously styled " too coy to submit," 
 may escape the dreadful infliction by paying 
 the fine of a silver sixpence, and also receive 
 a written testimony which secures them from a 
 repetition of the ceremony for that day. 
 
 Now comes the more marvellous portion of 
 this marvellous custom. On the Easter Tuesday
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 12.7 
 
 the women claim the same privilege, and pursue 
 their business in the same manner. Bands of 
 determined females — wives, widows, and maids — 
 parade the streets, like lionesses seeking whom 
 they can devour. Should an unfortunate man 
 be espied, he is instantly chased, and, despite 
 all appeals to the police, or cries for help, seized 
 upon. One or more (Heaven protect him !) take 
 hold of each leg, and one or more (mercy on 
 him !) grasp his arm near the shoulder, and then 
 he is hoisted into the air a limp, powerless, 
 recumbent wretch. Afterwards the poor crea- 
 ture is forced to kiss the demons in female form 
 all round, or if he is " too coy " (poor pigeon !) 
 he must in like manner part with his sixpence. 
 
 This is very sad : no wonder a virtuous man 
 has styled it " a dangerous, rude, and indecent 
 diversion." Let us hope that, as civilisation 
 advances, a gentleman will be enabled to walk in 
 the public thoroughfares of Cheshire and Lanca- 
 shire without being insulted at each step he takes. 
 Surely the Society for the Protection of Males 
 might interfere. 
 
 Having been informed that Manchester was
 
 128 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 usually the scene of these terrible Easter sports, 
 we earnestly entreated a seriously inclined gen- 
 tleman, and a firm opponent of kissing, to proceed 
 to the cotton metropolis, and favour us with a 
 full report on the subject. We print the result 
 of his researches : — 
 
 ** Manchester. 
 
 *' Sir, — In pursuance with your request, I 
 have visited this town, and made full inquiries 
 about the ancient custom of heaving on Easter 
 Tuesday. 
 
 " The first lady I saw was a young creature of 
 pleasing manners and expression of countenance, 
 who informed me that she had often been sub- 
 jected to this ceremony. In answer to my 
 questions, she said * the sensation of being raised 
 was not an unpleasant one. No, the men were 
 not rough. It was usual to wrap the gown 
 tightly round the form, in the same manner as 
 when using the skipping rope. She invariably 
 wore new kid boots, for the look of the thing, 
 like. Once a gentleman had made her an offer 
 of marriage, as he was raising her in the air for 
 the third time. She therefore considers that
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 129 
 
 these amusements, if proper!}^ conducted, would 
 not be without their use. Everything, she in- 
 sisted, depended upon who the lifters were. 
 Unless she had accidentally left her purse at 
 home, she preferred paying the silver sixpence 
 to being saluted. ;0n one occasion, when she 
 tendered the fine, one of the lifters, an Irish 
 gentleman with remarkably fine large teeth, de- 
 clared the coin to be a bad one and, although he 
 kept it, kissed her all the same. She particularly 
 remembered this circumstance, because the fellow 
 had a rough beard, was evidently a smoker, and 
 had partaken of onions for breakfast.' 
 
 " An aged lady, of robust stature, was opposed 
 to the custom on account of its great danger. 
 ' As an instance, she would only mention that on 
 one occasion some wild young gentlemen seized 
 upon her, and insisted upon heaving her. They 
 with much labour succeeded in lifting her twice, 
 for she was of a full habit, and no doubt heavy. 
 The third time, through some bungling, they let 
 go their hold, and down she fell on to the pave- 
 ment. Nobody could imagine her agony. For 
 
 a week she could not tell what the consequences 
 vol.. I. K
 
 130 FxVCES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 miglit be. But, thank Heaven ! there were no 
 bones broken, though, unfortunately, the paving- 
 stone on which she fell was, and it cost her a 
 good bit of mone}^ to have it repaired.* 
 
 "A young gentleman, with light ginger hair, 
 pale green eyes, and a cream-coloured com- 
 I)lexion, who is known in the town as an exten- 
 sive fancier of tame rabbits, and is supported by 
 an aged mother, gave me the following painful 
 description : 
 
 " * One Easter Tuesday, he was seized upon 
 by some young ladies, who instantly took hold of 
 his legs and arms, and lifted him up. He called 
 for help, but although a policeman was standing 
 close to, the fellow only laughed, and did not 
 interfere. One of the young ladies who had hold 
 of his ankle, had long nails, which caused him 
 much pain. His shoes fell off in his stragglings, 
 and the better one of them he never recovered 
 again. Even before the proper time, the young 
 ladies began saluting him. They also pinched 
 his legs and arms until they were quite spotted 
 with blue, like brawn. One of them, a butcher's 
 daughter, also tickled him, making him bend
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 181 
 
 about and writhe. They lifted him about eight 
 instead of only three times, and as he came down 
 he was invariably bumped. His mother heard 
 his screams, and rushed out with a fire shovel, 
 when his tormentors ran away, each one pulling 
 his hair as she left him. His hat, nearly a new 
 one, was thrown up into a tree, where it stuck, 
 and, whilst he ran to fetch a pole, a boy sent a 
 stone through the crown. He thought * heaving^ 
 on Easter Tuesday a very rude and indecent 
 sport, and so did his mother.' " 
 
 APPJL. 
 
 Tfiis is the month which brings good luck to 
 milliners and dressmakers, but breaks the hearts 
 of their customers. 
 
 It is a tiresome, vexing month, and plays 
 tricks. Many a bonnet that starts for its walk 
 fit for a queen, comes home in half an hour in 
 such a state you could cry over it; and the 
 dress that went forth crisp and tinkling, returns 
 clinging in the folds like a wet umbrella. 
 
 If you dress for rain it most likely will be 
 
 K 2
 
 132 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 fine ; and if you put on anything that can spoil, 
 the showers are sure to pay you out for doubt- 
 ing them. It was during an April day that a 
 very dear little friend of ours lost her figure. 
 To escape the rain she had to run into so many 
 pastry-cooks^ shops and eat so many buns, that 
 for days she couldn't shut her eyes. 
 
 A case is reported in the Lancet where a stout 
 boy ate four buns and had to be amputated. 
 Every life policy contains an express clause 
 against buns. 
 
 Girls must stop at home during April, or be 
 content with an occasional drive in the park. 
 Visitors of course will not be wanting to cheer 
 the lonely flagging hours. You can now see 
 who really does care for you. He who calls every 
 day means something. 
 
 Always have your hair dressed by one o'clock 
 at the latest. Do not play too much on the 
 piano — it causes an enlargement of the knuckles. 
 It is not bad policy to be foimd working a pair 
 of slippers ; all men are jealous of each other, 
 and are the more eager to fall in love if they 
 imagine anybody else has already done so.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 133 
 
 IMuch pleasant badinage will arise from the 
 Berlin- wool work. 
 
 Elegant reading will also serve to cheer the 
 mind, and the opinions of the visitors may be 
 asked on the last new novel, and the love-scenes 
 may be discussed. We know a little lady who 
 held such an animated argument with a gentle- 
 man concerning the proper definition of "true 
 love,^'' that they had scarcely settled the question 
 before they started on their honey-moon trip. 
 
 But though the promenade is impossible in 
 April, the opera season has commenced, and 
 there is no reason why you should not go there 
 every evening. A pleasant night is fair compen- 
 sation for a wretched day. 
 
 There are three reasons for going to the opera, 
 which are aU of them powerful. The first, of 
 course, is that you may be seen ; the second, 
 that you may see who is there besides yourself; 
 and the third that you may hear good music. 
 The last is the only one that requires to have its 
 importance explained ; the others are undeniable. 
 
 AVe can prove the extreme value of a pretty 
 voice by a very sweet anecdote.
 
 13-1 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Prince Floribel was a beautiful man. He was 
 better tlian bis portraits. He bad so much 
 money that bis treasurer kept bis accounts with 
 a yard-measure. But the unfortunate Floribel 
 was blind. When his ministers pressed him to 
 choose a wife, and each recommended his own 
 daughter, Floribel hesitated. One day, as he 
 was led through the market-place he heard a 
 girl singing — " I'll marry that voice," cried the 
 Prince. 
 
 The ministers were indignant, and threatened 
 to resign in a body. Floribel insisted on leading 
 the voice to the altar. The poor flower-girl, who 
 had been singing to her violets, had to run home 
 and wash her hands, and make haste back to the 
 palace to be in time for her voice's wedding. 
 
 Who can tell when a Prince Floribel may be 
 passing ? Cultivate the voice, my dears, and 
 even if you do not sing well your talk will be 
 more musical. 
 
 It is an interesting fact, admitted and taken 
 advantage of by poets, and insisted upon and 
 also taken advantage of by music-masters and
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 185 
 
 schoolmistresses, that directly a young lady 
 attains the age of fifteen her voice suddenly 
 becomes full of promise. 
 
 It begins by softening and expanding, then it 
 overflows with expression and tenderness, and it 
 ends by becoming mellow, earnest, and poetic. 
 The piquante shrillness which, even at the age 
 of fourteen, accompanies the voice of innocent 
 girlhood gradually disappears, the acid head- 
 notes changing to sugared tones given full from 
 the chest. These changes are peculiar to the 
 fifteenth year of the maiden's life. 
 
 In all well-regulated establishments for young 
 ladies it is the dut}^ of the lady principal to pay 
 particular attention to the intonations of her 
 pupils in the first and second classes, whilst 
 repeating their lessons. 
 
 Should she notice in any of the young ladies 
 a singular gruffness of voice, she should instantly 
 make strict inquiry as to whether the disagree- 
 able change of utterance is due to sore-throat 
 or sudden cold. If the unmelodious utterances 
 cannot be ascribed to either of these causes, 
 -then she may rest assured that the voice of her
 
 130 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 loupil is gradually breaking ; and, after having 
 supplied the lovely child with a box of cough- 
 lozenges, she should instantly consult the music - 
 master, and order him to assist the larynx to his 
 utmost in this its severest hour of trial. 
 
 If properly managed, the "breaking" of the 
 voice merely means that it will crack, throw 
 off and emerge from its huskiness, or shell, 
 as it may be called, and astonish its friends 
 and relations by its brilliancy, sweetness and 
 power. 
 
 'We are willing to allow that every young lady 
 of fifteen, or — generously to extend the allowance 
 — that every demoiselle of from fifteen to eighteen 
 and a half, possesses a sweet voice. She hath 
 the charm of youth to sweeten her tones, and, 
 should her hair be golden red or hazel brown, 
 the man must indeed be black of heart and dead 
 of soul who could find fault with her chirruping. 
 The only drawback that can be, with any show of 
 reason, urged against the perfectness of a voice 
 of, say sixteen, is the want of cultivation, more 
 especially when the voice — of let us say seventeen 
 — is requested to sing, we will suppose, for argu-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 137 
 
 ment*s sake, a song containing the vocal diffi- 
 culties of " Suoni la trombona." 
 
 To obtain cultivation, it is obvious that the 
 voice must be submitted to the directing influ- 
 ence of the cultivator, that is, the professor of 
 singing. This is most desirable, but, from the 
 susceptibility of the pupils, most dangerous. 
 
 At Minerva House, an excellent establishment, 
 conducted under the admirable care and princi- 
 I)les of Miss Ann Tropey, the utmost precaution 
 was ever exhibited to preserve the interesting 
 charges committed to her care from the dangers 
 "which surround the fascmations of the music - 
 lesson. The moment Miss Ann Tropey detected 
 a chest-note she wrote to parents and guardians, 
 expatiating on the dawning qualities of Clara's 
 or Julia's voice, and imploring, in terms which 
 not even the slanderous idea of " extras " could 
 rob of their disinterested enthusiasm, that the 
 sweet girl might be placed under the care of 
 Herr Prog, a gentleman of the highest standing 
 in his art, an earnest promoter of the Tonic 
 Sol-fa principles.
 
 138 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Another recommendation which Miss Ann 
 Tropey never failed to mention in her letters 
 to the parents and guardians was that the Herr 
 was a married gentleman and the father of nine 
 children. 
 
 The songs usuallj^ indulged in by the young 
 ladies at Miss Ann Tropey's establishment 
 were, for the tenderest beginners, such simple 
 exercises as Chorus—" See the Pretty Eobin," 
 or, Chorus — " Twinkle, twinkle ;" but for the 
 more advanced pupils, those with the chest- 
 notes and the overflowing sympathies, solos of 
 an ambitious yet humanising quality, were per- 
 mitted — for instance, " 0, list to the angel's 
 whisper," and *'Be kind to your mother, my 
 dear.'' 
 
 Miss Ann Tropey had learnt from bitter ex- 
 perience how dangerous it was to allow the im- 
 agination of her pupils to be worked upon by an 
 elegant head of hair, a curling moustache, and a 
 tenor voice. When first she became the lady- 
 principal of Minerva House, she, foolish woman ! 
 engaged the services of that splendid creature, 
 Signor Amavi, a gentlemanly wretch of thirty,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 139 
 
 with a pair of eyes wliich would have pierced 
 through a steel busk. 
 
 In less than three weeks the whole of the first 
 class were in love with him. One poor victim 
 wrote home for money sufficient to work the cap- 
 tivating tenor a tobacco-bag; another slipped a 
 lock of her hair into his coat-tail pocket as it 
 dangled over the music-stool; and a third, and a 
 fourth, and a fifth gazed on him with the softest 
 melancholy, and sighed when he asked them to 
 let him hear their "Do, ra, me." 
 
 In those da^^s love-songs were permitted, and 
 Amavi taught his beautiful pupils such tender 
 words as " I have loved until I faint, my dear," 
 and '' Look in my eyes and read my soul." 
 
 They, dear lambs, never failed to obey him, 
 and did look into his eyes to six- eight time, and 
 think to themselves what splendid optics they 
 were, and how full of expression. 
 
 Such a state of things could not last long. 
 Poor Sarah Jones, the heiress, began to walk in 
 her sleep, and was found one night trying to 
 open the hall window. She had, cherished in- 
 valid ! a small bundle of clean clothes, tied up
 
 140 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 in a pocket handkerchief, and afterwards con- 
 fessed that she had been dreaming of the Signor 
 and was hastening to meet hhn and fly to a 
 distant land. 
 
 Next music-day Signor Amavi was confronted 
 in the reception-room by Miss Ann Tropey her- 
 self, bristling with indignation. 
 
 The Signor was dismissed. He has never been 
 employed since at any establishment for young 
 ladies. He is too handsome. It is reported that 
 he is starving. Mammas turn from him in dread, 
 papas call him a puppj^ and brothers threaten 
 his bones. In vain does he offer to wear blue 
 spectacles. 
 
 There was another Professeur de Musique at 
 Minerva House who, j udging from his diminutive 
 stature and singularly plain features, ought to 
 have been safe and secure from the attacks of the 
 first and second class. This gentleman, Monsieur 
 Gentil by name, was four feet six in height, and 
 on his face he wore a nose almost longer than his 
 arm. It, the nose, drooped over his beard and 
 buried his chin in its shadow. 
 
 But did he not sing and play on the piano ?
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 141 
 
 And what school-giii can resist such attrac- 
 tions ? 
 
 Before a month had passed the handsome 
 Amavi was forgotten, and the dear Gustave stood 
 on the pedestal to be worshipped and petted. 
 He spoke the most delicious broken English; he 
 sang little lively airs about the titled lady who 
 eloped with the poor troubadour and never after- 
 wards repented the marriage ; he narrated to 
 his pupils the incidents from the last successful 
 French novel ; and, worse than all, poor Miss 
 Tropey, trusting in the little monster's ugliness, 
 permitted him to address his pupils in French, 
 *'to practise them," as she said. 
 
 Little did the injured lady dream of the tender, 
 heart-moving dialogues that took place. She 
 should have noticed how Julia's cheeks burned, 
 and Mary's eyes sparkled. Little Kate, who 
 was neglected — the child's teeth were faulty — 
 trembled with jealousy, and Ellen — she squinted 
 — protested, through sheer envy, that she would 
 " tell." 
 
 And " tell " she did, and only just in time, 
 for when Julia's desk was broken open and
 
 142 FACES FOR FOETUXES. 
 
 Mary's box examined, letters were found wliicli 
 made Miss Tropey profoundly grateful for es- 
 caping the danger that had beset her and her 
 dear infants. 
 
 From that time to this the music-masters at 
 Minerva House have always been selected from 
 among the most venerable of professors. If he 
 is repulsively ugly, so much the better; if he 
 is lame, gouty, cross, and slovenly, Miss Ann 
 Tropey considers him an ornament to his pro- 
 fession, and a credit to Minerva House and its 
 long-established reputation. 
 
 Listening to good music is a better lesson than 
 the best that could be given in all the Minerva 
 Houses in the world ; you learn the sentiment of 
 harmony. They used to say of pretty little 
 Catherine Docks, who was mad for concerts, that 
 she must, when a baby, have swallowed the silver 
 bells on her coral, so mAisical was her larynx 
 after the fourth season ; indeed, she once aroused • 
 a Jew's conscience and made him take back a bad 
 shilling, merely by the pretty way in which she 
 said " Thank you, sir."*^ You will never lose 
 money by having a pretty voice.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 143 
 
 Do Englisli people go to the opera to hear the 
 music, or to be looked at and to criticise each 
 other's dresses ? Are they fond of singing, or is 
 it simply that they are afraid of absenting them- 
 selves from so fashionable an assembly ? — afraid 
 lest they should lose their standing and good 
 name in elegant society? How many keep an 
 opera-box for the same reason that they keep 
 three footmen ? not because they require it them- 
 selves, but because the circle in which they move 
 requires it, and forces them to have one. 
 
 We have often heard young ladies, who have 
 been taken to the opera as a great treat, de- 
 scribe the pleasure of the visit to their friends, 
 not by talking of the music or the singers, but by 
 dilating upon the toilet and general appearance 
 of the audience. We have also heard elderly 
 ladies, whose incomes were moderate, but whose 
 daughters were numerous, determine, after much 
 inward struggling, upon the extravagance of one 
 box in the season — not because any particular 
 opera was to be performed, or any particular 
 singer to appear, but merely because it looked
 
 144 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 SO well for the girls to be seen at the opera, and 
 it advanced their prospects in life. 
 
 Those persons who go to the pit and gallery 
 may perhaps be fond of music, because nearly 
 all the applause comes from them ; but then the 
 clapping of hands is seldom heard in England, 
 unless, indeed, when some singer finishes his 
 song with a plentiful adornment of roulades 
 and flourishes. Then we applaud the vocal 
 gymnastics so madly, that it half makes you 
 fancy that if the performer had stood on one leg 
 whilst executing his shakes, or thrown a start- 
 ling summersault after his runs, his success 
 would have been greater still. 
 
 In England, before an opera season com- 
 mences, the manager has to use his utmost 
 endeavours to attract the patronage of those who 
 are wealthy enough to become subscribers for 
 the season. Circulars are sent round contain- 
 ing the details of the forthcoming attractions — 
 the operas to be produced, the singers to appear, 
 and the orchestra to be engaged. He has to 
 excite the curiosity and arouse the musical appe- 
 tite of the west-end nobility and big-wigs. The
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 145 
 
 speculation is a risking one, full of pecuniary 
 danger ; for during the most successful seasons 
 the expenditure is seldom balanced by the 
 receipts, and in nine cases out of ten the only 
 reward the manager receives for his six months' 
 care and exertion, is the sympathy of his friends 
 and a second-class certificate from the Bankruptcy 
 Commissioner. 
 
 Despite this grumbling, there is no enjoyment 
 like that of a visit to the opera ; and we are 
 infinitely grateful, that if we, as a nation, are 
 unmusical, we are at least fashionable enough to 
 require such pastimes. 
 
 How delicious it is to loll in your opera box 
 and listen to the sweet sounds. There is no rest 
 like it ; the aches and pains of life's trials sneak 
 away like dirty rogues, and the mind feels as if it 
 could fly up to the moon on a fiddle -stick. 
 Though the last dress doesn't fit, or the last 
 boots are too large, such, even such transgres- 
 sions are forgotten and forgiven. 
 
 As the divine Catti warbles the " Non piu 
 mesta," you could weep ; when the entrancing
 
 146 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Walli begins his irresistible " Si, si, vergin," the 
 tear falls and must be looked after. When in 
 the third act Arturo drinks the fatal poison 
 and Gilda commits suicide, each of those seven 
 hundred in audience is a better man or woman, 
 according to the gender. When the curtain has 
 fallen and breath returns, everybody is more or 
 less inclined to love — the he's sigh for Gilda, and 
 the she's look heavenwards for Arturo. 
 
 You have scarcely time to draw your burnous 
 over your shoulder and feel whether your wreath 
 is in its right place, before the box-keeper's key 
 rattles and Lord Ernest inquires if you are pretty 
 well. Soon Sir Charles bows to you from the 
 stalls, and Count Onioni inclines from the first 
 tier. 
 
 All these men are softened; the'[fiddles still 
 vibrate on their heart-strings ; they have music 
 in their souls and marriage on the tip of their 
 tongues. 
 
 A more noble-minded woman than Lady de 
 Luvian never used pins, and she delights in 
 boasting that her niece won the esteem of Sir 
 Charles de Mesne through being utterly unable
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 147 
 
 to restrain her sobs on hearing Grisi in the 
 Miserere scene of Verdi's " Trovatore." 
 
 "Dearest Aunty de Luvian," cried the poor 
 child, "if they encore it I shall die." Every- 
 body laughed. 
 
 " No fear, dearest Stella," exclaimed Sir 
 Charles, who was fond of his pun; "this is a 
 Verdi- Grisi concoction that has no poison in 
 it." They were married within the month. 
 
 You may easily know when it is an opera 
 night by the number of carriages dashing down 
 the streets leading to Wellington Street or the 
 Haymarket. Inside these are splendid creatures 
 smothered in flowers — heads, bosoms, and skirts 
 are in full bloom — and they sit up primly on the 
 soft cushions, and do not talk, because they are 
 surly with dressing and afraid of deranging their 
 toilets. They sit in their swinging chariots and 
 stately coaches stiff and proud, staring before 
 them, and not at all like the fascinating smiling 
 angels they intend to be presently. 
 
 The man with the " books of the opera," 
 
 wastes his time and flattens his shilling volume 
 
 L 2
 
 148 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 in vain against those carriage windows. He 
 ought to run by the side of the hired family 
 brougham, with the six healthy ladies inside ; 
 they are from the country, and will want to 
 know what the singing is about ; whilst the lady 
 of quality is only going to sit in her box to chat 
 with her friends and show herself, and natu- 
 rally the " Italian, with English over against it," 
 can be of no earthly use to her. 
 
 Most of the cabs draw up at the pit entrance, 
 where one or two weak-minded youths, with 
 embroidered shirt-fronts lovely enough for any 
 baby's christening bodice, are exhibiting them- 
 selves to the loitering crowd. Sometimes the 
 full-dress regulations interfere sadly with gentle- 
 men who have spent much time, ingenuity, and 
 pins, in endeavouring to give to a surtdut the 
 appearance of a tail-coat. Poor fellows, when 
 they are detected and sent back, they either 
 stand watching, with melancholy and envying 
 eyes, the properly arrayed as they enter, or else 
 they rush off in desperation to the old clothes 
 stores in Holywell Street, and essay a bargain 
 for the necessary habit de soir.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 149 
 
 It is yet early when we enter the theatre. The 
 boxes are empty as pigeon-holes, and look 
 black, whilst about half the seats in the pit are 
 unoccupied, and the rows of benches seem like 
 the bare ribs of some monster skeleton. It is 
 too soon yet. The man in the orchestra has 
 only just commenced to place the candles with 
 green shades over them in the music stands. 
 But the people are pouring in, and the pit fills 
 up as fast as the full dresses of the ladies will 
 allow them to sidle along the narrow space be- 
 tween the benches. Presently only a few bald- 
 looking places are left, as though bunches of the 
 audience had been plucked out like hair. 
 
 The box doors also begin to slam, and ladies 
 come to the front, and make their dresses rustle 
 like boughs as they spread them out before 
 settling into their chairs. The family from the 
 country has just made its appearance. There are 
 four daughters, all in exquisitely-washed muslin, 
 with pink sashes, and noble bouquets. They are 
 animated and happy, frequently leaning over tlie 
 box front to obtain a better view of the elaborately 
 fashionable ladies on their tier, and occasionally
 
 150 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 directiijg each other's attention in the most 
 pointed pantomime to the fine shoulders of 
 some lovely creature, who in alarm dives behind 
 her curtain and hides. 
 
 The musicians have taken their places. Some 
 are tuning their instruments as if impatient to 
 begin, as racers paw the ground. You hear the 
 bumping of the scenes being shifted behind the 
 curtain. The audience coughs, talks, or does 
 what it likes — some stand up as though stretch- 
 ing their legs before the cramping begins. Now 
 the pit is crowded, and the last that enter are 
 standing on tiptoe, and in vain looking about 
 them for a seat. They will have to remain on 
 their legs for the evening. 
 
 Suddenly the lights are turned on, everything 
 brightens, from the glass points of the chan- 
 delier to the countenances of the audience. 
 Ladies take their places, and attentively fix 
 their eyes upon a gentleman with white kid 
 gloves, who is struggling to the throne in the 
 orchestra. It is Signor Costa, the great breaker- 
 in of skittish fiddlers and snorting trumpeters. 
 He turns round carelessly and examines the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 151 
 
 house, says a word or two to those around him, 
 and then mounts his perch to receive the ap- 
 plause. 
 
 A minute more, and a tap on one of the tin- 
 shades is heard ; his gloved hand is raised, and, 
 as it descends, out hursts the harmony of the 
 hand. The violin bows move up and down as 
 regularly as machinery, the pink dots of hands 
 jump about like birds, and the huge trombone 
 shines like a brass cannon. The boxes fill 
 more rapidly, and the stalls are being occupied, 
 as if the music had called the audience to their 
 places. 
 
 As the curtain ascends not a sound is to be 
 heard but the " sh-h-h's " of the few who think 
 that perfect silence can only be obtained by 
 making a disagreeable sound. Ladies place aside 
 their bouquets and unfold their fans. There are 
 at least one hundred of these " wind instruments" 
 moving backwards and forwards, making j^our 
 eyes wink to watch them ; some as large as palm 
 leaves, others not bigger than the tail of a bantam 
 hen. 
 
 The opera to be performed is that of *' Lu-
 
 152 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 crezia Borgia." When Genaro comes on the 
 stage the gloves in the pit flutter like a flock of 
 white pigeons, and stir the air into a breeze. 
 The young ladies from the country are asking 
 " Who is it ? " and when they learn it is Mario, 
 quarrel among themselves for the first peep 
 through the opera glass ; but the noble ladies in 
 the dress tier, where the wax lights glitter on 
 the gilt mouldings adorning the bulging panels, 
 keep on chatting together, and pay no more 
 attention to Genaro and his musical adventures 
 than if they were gossiping in a railway carriage. 
 Another round of applause. This time it is 
 Grisi ; and as she, in acknowledgment, bends her 
 head and shows her beautiful white shoulders, 
 the gentlemen, in their turn, focus their glasses 
 on her. In the stage box, three old bucks, with 
 rich red faces and white hair, who still carry 
 about them the perfume of the dinner-table and 
 rich wines, receive the Italian lady with patro- 
 nising smiles, and delicately beat their fingers 
 together, whilst they call her " a wonderfully fine 
 woman,'' and protest that " her figure is as per- 
 fect as ever.'' These gentlemen being highly
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 153 
 
 fascinating lady-killers, judge of the actresses at 
 the opera rather by their personal appearance 
 than by their voice. 
 
 A duet, a chorus, and a trio has been sung, 
 and yet nobody has applauded. The singing was 
 exquisite, making the pleasure of listening to it 
 almost amount to an agony of delight. What 
 can be the matter with the people ? They are 
 not rapt in the interest of the drama, because 
 they continue the chatting in the boxes and the 
 fanning in the pit. How the poor artistes must 
 think of Italy, and its enthusiasm, and mad gra- 
 titude ! There, as Stendhal tells us, " after 
 having applauded to excess, shouted, and made 
 every possible noise for at least five minutes, 
 when they had no longer the strength to shout, 
 he noticed every one speaking to his neighbour— a 
 thing quite at variance with the suspicious nature 
 of the Italian. The apathetic and the aged cried, 
 from their boxes, ' O hello ! hello ! ' and kept 
 on repeating this at least twenty times. They 
 were addressing nobody ; such a repetition of 
 the same words would have been absurd ; they 
 had lost all idea of having any one next to them,
 
 151 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 and spoke to themselves.''^ But, in England, a 
 sultry evening, or the fear of being thought 
 vulgar, is enough to check our enthusiasm, as if 
 the heat made us grow limp, like gutta percha. 
 
 When the acts are over, the people begin to 
 stir and stretch their legs. Thirsty youths rush 
 out to enjoy a draught of bitter beer; others 
 sweep round the theatre with their glasses, and 
 look at every face in the house. Now is the 
 permitted moment for criticism. There is one 
 lady in the grand tier arrayed in a black gown, 
 trimmed with red roses. On her head she wears 
 a wreath of buds. She looks particularly beau- 
 tiful, and everybody is staring at her, but she 
 endures patiently. Her long neck and white 
 skin, and the art with which her singular dress 
 has been forced to become her, attract great 
 notice, and she enjoys her triumph. She ought 
 to feel happy ! 
 
 Every variety of feature is to be seen. There 
 are two young ladies in yellow silk, with red 
 scarfs. Their costume, brown skin, black hair 
 and eyes, show that they are West Indian 
 beauties. How white all the partings in the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 155 
 
 hair appear as you look down into the pit — 
 almost like chalk lines ! The varieties of head- 
 dresses are sufficiently numerous to furnish illus- 
 trations for a barber's guide. Some with little 
 crisp curls, like vine tendrils ; others with large 
 bunches of twining locks, falling down to and 
 resting on the shoulders. There are plenty of 
 heads dressed a Vlinperatrice, showing the white 
 temples and the blue veins in them ; and there 
 are many who_^have surrounded the face with an 
 infinite number of acroche coeurs gummed to the 
 cheeks, and making them look as if they had 
 been tattooed. 
 
 The people are coming back again to their 
 places. Those in the pit make a great dis- 
 turbance, as they force everybody to rise up and 
 let them pass. They leave a trail of confusion 
 behind them. The third act begins, and our 
 country friends opposite open their books again, 
 and follow closely the words of the songs. If a 
 singer misses a single word, they are down upon 
 him, and don't think him worth much. Every- 
 body is waiting anxiously for Orsini's drinking 
 song, because they all know the air or have tried
 
 150 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 to sing it at home. At [length Mademoiselle 
 Didiee steps forward, cup in hand, and turning 
 her pretty face to the house, begins the melody. 
 
 Now every one is taking a music lesson, notic- 
 ing when they should give the proper expression, 
 when dwell upon the notes or drop the voice. 
 The song is encored. Englishmen shout " bravo ;" 
 and foreigners " bis." The country family nod 
 to each other, and make mental notes for the 
 next time they practise together. 
 
 The boxes are growing weary of the music, 
 and the hissing noise of their whispered chat is 
 heard everywhere. The beautiful dirge of the 
 monks, " Sanctum et terribile nomen ejus," is 
 interrupted by the shrill laughter of a young 
 lady, who perhaps has seen the opera twice, and 
 so, of course, knows it by heart. Two boxes off 
 we hear gentlemen talking. "Do you like that 
 girl with light hair in the pit tier, under the 
 fourth chandelier ? " says one. "Do you mean 
 the one in black, looking up now ? " answers 
 the other. " No, the one smelling her bouquet," 
 continues the first speaker. After a pause of 
 examination, an indignant voice cries, " My dear
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 157 
 
 fellow, she's got no eyelashes ; " and so the 
 debate is finished. 
 
 The opera is over. Grisi and Mario have 
 been called for, and have had bouquets thrown 
 to them from mysterious side boxes. The three 
 red-faced gentlemen have done all in their power 
 to attract the attention of the prima donna as 
 she passed across the stage, being no doubt 
 anxious to lacerate her heart with a few loving 
 glances ; but the fair Italian has not even noticed 
 them. One of them now calls her " a splendid 
 wreck;" for he is spiteful and annoyed. 
 
 More than one-half of the company are pre- 
 paring to leave, and people hitherto concealed 
 behind the curtains are showing themselves. We 
 hear one old lady in a pit-box cry piteously, 
 " Which is the Duchess ? — do show me ; " and 
 obtaining the required information, she points 
 her opera-glass fiercely at the curiosity. After 
 a moment, she says with a sigh, " I couldn^t 
 catch her face, but I saw her hand distinctly ; it 
 was very beautiful!" She had enjoyed her 
 evening.
 
 158 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 MAY. 
 
 Now all pretty maidens must look spriglitly 
 and kind, and rise from their nests fresh as the 
 lark; now we must look into eyes and judge 
 their brightness, and look on lips and imagine 
 their sweetness, for May has come, " May, 
 charming May," and a queen must be chosen. 
 There was a bonny Queen came with May some 
 years since, and she sits on the throne now, and 
 may she grace it as long as good men's prayers 
 are heard. 
 
 Now the sun shines out so brightly you must 
 be off to the shops for parasols, and your candle- 
 light beauties will choose them with pink linings, 
 and your ruddy faces will purchase them with blue 
 linings, for the dear girls know everything, and 
 can beat artists all to nothing for effect. 
 
 And now you will begin to chatter together 
 about what is worn ; will dresses be open en coeur 
 or closed at the throat ? will poplins, taffits an- 
 tiques, or moires, gain the day ? or will foulards 
 or tarlatanes make men write sonnets ? You
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 159 
 
 talk of ruches, and soutaches, and passemen- 
 teries ; you fight very sweetly over a flounce, 
 and whether a bonnet is too square, round, or 
 pointed ; and when you have settled the point, 
 the only result is that you look as pretty as you 
 did before. 
 
 AVe have the authority of the great Dr. 
 Johnson for stating, that a husband does a 
 wise thing when he dresses his wife hand- 
 somely. When the immortal Samuel laid down 
 a dictum he meant it, though such was his genius 
 that he could argue just as convincingly for as 
 against a worldly fancy, and not unfrequently he 
 did both. *' When a gentleman told him," writes 
 Boswell, " he had bought a suit of lace for his 
 lady, he said, ' Well, sir, you have done a good 
 thing and a wise thing.' — * I have done a good 
 thing,' said the gentleman, 'but I do not know 
 that I have done a wise thing.' — Johnson : ' Yes, 
 sir ; no money is better spent than what is laid 
 out for domestic satisfaction. A man is pleased 
 that his wife is dressed as well as other people, 
 and a wife is pleased that she is dressed as 
 handsomely as her husband would wish her.' "
 
 160 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 And so SQ.JB Dr. Jolinson, and many a wife will 
 bless him for it, and will read it over to her 
 dear, that she may profit by the suggestion and 
 possess a suit of lace. 
 
 We cannot remember, though we have rum- 
 maged our brain for an example, a single instance 
 of an offer of marriage having been made to a 
 young lady while in the act of shopping. Our 
 natures are protectively mean, and we in- 
 stinctively say " Good day " when a fair one 
 enters the magasin. Until the entrancing " O 
 Charles ! " has been uttered, and the bargain 
 sealed by the most enrapturing of all kisses, we 
 seldom feel inclined to change a fifty-pound 
 note on speculation. We leave that to papa, 
 who of course never grumbles, but rather likes it 
 as a joke. 
 
 The foolish Tom Trumpryville, a well-made 
 young man, and not devoid of sense, but poor, 
 shamefully poor, succeeded in winning the affec- 
 tions of Miss Luna Tique, then in her forty- 
 eighth winter, past all hopes of concealment. 
 The lady had 1820 port in her cellar, — bins
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 161 
 
 full ; and if she had drawn upon Coutts for 
 50,000^. they would have honoured the cheque, 
 and sent her word in the morning that she had 
 slightly overdrawn her account. It need not 
 be said that Tom was selling himself in the 
 dearest market, — not affectionately but com- 
 mercially speaking. 
 
 It happened that Luna insisted that her Tom 
 should accompany her (for she was fond of exhi- 
 biting him) to the '' Salon des Fleurs," where 
 the wedding wreath was to be purchased. 
 
 He was a bold young dog, and would have 
 done worse things than that to make sure of the 
 bullion at Coutts's. But 'cruel punishment was 
 awaiting him on the first floor. Whilst Miss 
 Luna Tique was simpering over this and that 
 chaplet of orange blossoms, Tom, who had 
 mounted his eye-glass and was staring at the 
 fluttering shop-girls as fiercely as a hawk at 
 chickens, caught sight of a lovely form standing 
 before another cheval glass, and trying on 
 another wreath of orange flowers. Merciful 
 powers ! could he believe his eye-glass ? 
 
 There stood the beautiful and once-adored 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 102 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Cicely Isles, the very girl who had promised to 
 wait for him if it were thirty years ; to possess 
 whom he was speculating on the shattered con- 
 stitution of Miss Luna Tique. 
 
 Then Cicely was also to he married ! To 
 whom ? "Wicked false one, what should he do ? 
 Should he fling up Coutts's account, and reclaim 
 the perjured beauty ? 
 
 In the evening he gave his little brother five 
 shillings, and sent him abroad to learn news 
 concerning Cicely Isles, and when the mes- 
 senger returned Tom was informed that the 
 beautiful one was the accepted bride of the 
 Kev. T. Kettle, perpetual curate "of St. Cold 
 Without.l 
 
 This broke Tom's heart, and he never was 
 the same man. He married his money, but 
 he couldn't forgive Cicely. " To leave me for a 
 confounded T. Kettle," he would blurt out in 
 his misery. 
 
 On the other hand, the late Cecilia Isles 
 would not unfrequently exclaim, when nobody 
 could hear her, *' I wish him joy of his Luna 
 Tique ! " So neither was happy, though they
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 163 
 
 might have been if Coutts's account had not 
 stood in the way. 
 
 This is the only romance we know of in con- 
 nection with artificial flowers. 
 
 Shortly after the return of our trooiDS from the 
 glorious campaign of the Crimea — that most mag- 
 nificent fiash-in-the-pan and " nascitur ridiculus 
 mus" war, which decorates our history with laurels 
 thicker and greener than those of any church at 
 Christmas time — whilst the beards and bronzed 
 skins of our warriors were yet the admiration 
 of the metropolis, and no evening party was 
 considered perfect and fashionable unless a sun- 
 baked hero were present; in those days of re- 
 nown Barry O'Claver, being full of wine, began 
 to brag of what he had done and could do, enter- 
 taining his friends at the Keform with vivid pic- 
 tures of his prodigies of valour, when Luke Dove, 
 Esq., of Manchester, a gentlemanly and pulmonic 
 man of peace, offered to bet ten pounds to a bad 
 shilling that he could mention one daring action 
 which the slashing Captain, fire-eater as he was, 
 would not have intrepidity enough to perform. 
 
 M 2
 
 164 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 The man of peace proposed that the man of 
 war should enter one of our largest linendraper's 
 -emporiums, and, walking up to the busiest coun- 
 ter, request, in a loud voice, to he shown the 
 last thing out in crinolines. 
 
 Though heavily in debt, Barry O'Claver de- 
 clined the wager, and has ever since hated the 
 man whose demon mind could imagine a torture 
 so refined. 
 
 Is there in all this world of London a sight 
 
 more affecting than that of a man entering a 
 
 linendraper's shop ? We have seen the wretches 
 
 ^t Bow Street Station dart across the pavements, 
 
 And, without hazarding even one glance at the 
 
 mob, dive out of sight into the prison van; we 
 
 have formed one of the crowd in Cursitor Street 
 
 when the seized debtor has been transferred from 
 
 the cab to Mr. Sloman's hospitable cage ; we 
 
 have witnessed the " Stop Thief ! " of the mean 
 
 prig who had waylaid and robbed the little 
 
 children sent for pennyworths to the chandler's 
 
 shop ; but never have we beheld any expression 
 
 so thoroughly dejected and helpless as that which 
 
 deadens the countenance of the unhappy man
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 1G5 
 
 who sneaks after his wife through the swing- 
 doors of the mercer^s shop ! 
 
 Oh ! it is a fearful and heartrending picture. 
 She, full of pride, hoping that her friends may 
 see her in her glory of going out shopping ; in 
 no hurry; sometimes even staying at the very 
 threshold and keeping the shopwalker with the 
 bright mahogany swing doors wide open awaiting 
 her entry, whilst she wonders how the green silk 
 at four and six would make up. 
 
 He, hiding his face and trjing to avoid recog- 
 nition by looking as unlike himself as possible, 
 all the while making feeble calculations as to 
 how much he will be compelled to pay, and ready 
 to explode with wrath at his " dearest life's '^ 
 turning him into a public exhibition through her 
 indiscreet loitering. 
 
 Then, as they walk up the long emporium, in 
 vain does he try his utmost to look unconcerned 
 and return the steady gaze of the fifty gentlemen 
 behind the counters who impudently stare at the 
 unusual customer. Those respectable assistants 
 wink to one another, for they are pleased at 
 heart when ladies bring their husbands witb
 
 166 ■ FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 tliem, knowing, as they do, that he is in for it 
 heavily. 
 
 It will he a long affair, and the counter will he 
 piled up with silks and cambrics ; the "jumper " 
 will for ever he showing something in the newest 
 style, at extremely low rates, and dear Martha 
 will pretend to hesitate, just to test the genero- 
 sity of her lord and master; but she and the 
 " young man " will so manage the business that 
 the martyr will be ashamed to refuse. 
 
 Ee will sit wriggling on a cane stool not larger 
 than a cheese-plate — poor support for one in his 
 uncomfortable position — and try to look as if 
 money were no object, and he rather liked making 
 expensive presents. But when at last those 
 beautifally-soothing words, '*' Nothing else to-day, 
 thank you," have been spoken; when the bill 
 has been calculated and handed to the nearest 
 " assistant " to see what he thinks of the count- 
 ing; when the cashier has brought back the 
 change out of the cheque, then will the victim 
 spring from his cheese-plate and look the pic- 
 ture of the liberated slave with the chains drop- 
 ping away.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 167 
 
 As lie SDiffs the delicious street air lie turns 
 Zfiercely upon dear Martha. " What on earth 
 did 3'ou mean by buying all those confounded 
 Ihings ? " he asks. 
 
 She, with a look of injured and astonished 
 innocence replies, " Now, my dearest love, pray 
 be reasonable. Didn^t I appeal to you every 
 time ? " 
 
 " I never heard of such a thing ! — Appeal to 
 me," he howls; "what was the use of appealing 
 to me ? What could I do or say with all those 
 jabbering jackanapes looking on? Nonsense; 
 you knew it ! " 
 
 Then the lady is pained to the quick, and, in a 
 voice brilliant and rapid from emotion, exclaims, 
 ^' I will not be accused of extravagance in this 
 vulgar and cowardly manner, John ! I insist 
 upon your going back to the shop and telling 
 them you will not have these things ! No 
 John, dear, you shall never say that I am guilty 
 of extravagance. So cruel, and so thoroughly 
 uncalled for ! " 
 
 After this John retires into the sulks and 
 xefuses to be comforted until dinner is over and
 
 168 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the port wine trickles into his hard, cold heart, 
 when, just as his cheeks begin to flush, the parcel 
 is adroitly opened, and whilst the lady " buys her 
 bargains o'er again," John is blessed for " a dear 
 generous darling ; " and all is forgiven, and in a 
 month or two forgotten. 
 
 But if poor men look such miserable objects 
 when out shopping, how excessively well the 
 women appear under its exciting influence ! 
 With some poor creatures the popping in and 
 out of linendrapers' shops has grown into a 
 morbid passion beyond control, and a thousand 
 stories have been told of this intoxicating 
 indulgence. 
 
 A gentleman in the employ of Messrs. Civil 
 and Cross (made-up skirts department) informs 
 us that for years their establishment was pestered 
 by a very lively creature who w^ould spend the 
 entire afternoon examining the most recherche 
 assortment, keeping two or three of the esta- 
 blishment on the perpetual trot, and invariably 
 terminated her sport by saying that she had 
 " not quite made up her mind about the dress.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 1G9 
 
 but would take a penny packet of the best patent- 
 eyed needles." 
 
 Another gentleman, holding an appointment 
 under Messrs. Swandown and Headgear, relates 
 that one of their clientele, the wife of a renowned 
 general practitioner in the neighbourhood, was 
 such a fearful martyr to kleptomania that she 
 would steal anything upon which she could lay 
 her hands, filling her pockets like any clown in 
 a pantomime, and even attempting to conceal 
 under her shawl rolls of flannel fatter than 
 cannon ; but, in the hope of eventually restoring 
 this interesting sufferer to reason by a mild 
 gratification of her evil propensities, the firm 
 had entered into an arrangement with her heart- 
 broken husband to take back all the stolen 
 goods at a considerable discount ; and that this 
 philanthropic idea had answered so well that 
 several eminent physicians approved of it, and 
 invariably recommend their shoplifting patients 
 to undergo the curative process at their estab- 
 lishment. To this day, nineteen highly-respect- 
 able ladies and a retired dancing-master are 
 entered as patients on their books, and keep
 
 170 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the " sliglitly soiled " department in constant 
 activity. 
 
 Considered as a street, Oxford Street is deci- 
 dedly not an attractive thoroughfare. It is a 
 useful omnibus and cab route, but not a pretty 
 lounge for a delicate-minded idler saturated ^vitll 
 elevated theories of the beautiful. 
 
 At the Tottenham Court Eoad end the smell 
 of brewing, though said to be wholesome, is apt 
 to weary the most stubborn nostril when unva- 
 ried by other perfumes ; and the sixpenny " cor- 
 rect-likeness " artists and the penny-ice Italians 
 have put to flight every flaneur of sentiment ; 
 for the sight of the smudge fog-to-graphs and 
 those dreadfully unnaturally crimson-and-white 
 dummy plaster ices, to say nothing of waggons 
 laden with steaming grains, is enough to dis- 
 gust one with civilisation, the fine arts, and 
 milkwalks. 
 
 Neither, it must candidly be confessed, do we 
 admire those wonderful little drapers' shops 
 where iron-wire crinolines and pendents of cheap 
 •cottons, at 2s. the dress, float about the brick-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 171 
 
 work, for, fanciful as the idea may be, it is 
 as a decoration unsuccessful, as an advertise- 
 ment, vulgar, and, as a display of female attire, 
 indelicate. Indeed, we consider that Oxford 
 Street only begins to know how to behave itself 
 about Berners Street; and thence, as far as the 
 Circus, it is decidedly amusing. 
 
 But beyond that long crossing, where so many 
 IDOor women are every day frightened to death 
 by the wicked omnibus- drivers, the thoroughfare 
 relapses into a sad deadly" lively, struggling 
 respectability which, near to the INIarble Arch, is 
 heartrending, for as if it were ashamed of its 
 struggling shops it has taken to letting lodgings. 
 Oxford Street is too long. It has weakened 
 itself by overgrowth. But, like a shoulder of 
 mutton, there is just one part which everybody 
 enjoys; we refer to the middle cut, between 
 Berners Street and the Circus. 
 
 Here are shops which, as valerian draws cats, 
 attract the pretty women of London and keep 
 them fidgeting about the sweet silks and tasty 
 ribbons hung up behind the plate-glass. To 
 look at the shops seems to be one of the neces-
 
 17^ FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 sities of female life. The innocent creatures 
 make up parties to go out and see " what is 
 being worn." Girls in the country write to their 
 friends in town and beg for descriptions of the 
 mercers^ windows. 
 
 A very intimate nobleman of ours, living in 
 the country, had for a wife a pretty, interesting 
 creature, who was quite thrown away upon a 
 rustic life, and she, poor thing, was seized with 
 melancholia, and nothing seemed to do her good. 
 Music and boiled chicken didn't cheer her ; 
 whist and calves '-foot jelly made her worse ; 
 and reading and Iceland moss gave her the 
 creeps. 
 
 The doctors were puzzled, and one after 
 another declared that medicine was useless, and 
 she must die unless some new means w^ere dis- 
 covered for keeping her alive. 
 
 In a paroxysm of marital devotion her hus- 
 band, on bended knees, implored her to confide 
 in him and think of something that would do her 
 good. 
 
 . It required a struggle before she could speak,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 173 
 
 and at last the interesting sufferer confessed that 
 " a good look at the shops might soothe her 
 dying moments." 
 
 The sweet invalid had actually been pining 
 away for want of a glimpse at those ready-made 
 skirts at three guineas the robe, those cashmere 
 and real Indian shawls, and the other delightful 
 fallals in the mantle way. 
 
 Nineteen yards at five and eight restored her 
 mind to its proper balance. 
 
 Oxford Street is a good street for studying the 
 women " doing" their shopping, because the 
 Emporiums, Magasins, and Establishments are 
 close together, and the display in the windows 
 is so enormous that the emotions peculiar to the 
 amiable sex are constantly aroused. There is 
 the artificial-flower shop, where the girls invited 
 to parties go for their wreaths. How on earth 
 any fragile creature can be induced to surmount 
 her head with such jack-in-the-green sort of 
 ornaments as are exhibited at this establishment 
 is entirely a matter of private feeling ; but some 
 of the decorations contain vegetable matter suf-
 
 174 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 ficient to feed a pon}^ and the streamers hang 
 down for yards. 
 
 You will hear, outside this shop, old ladies who 
 ought to know hetter, speaking in raptures of 
 wreaths of roses that are ^large enough for a 
 circus hoop, and declaring that they " must have 
 one of them." Mothers of families gloat in de- 
 light over circlets of water-lilies and water-cress 
 — a good wheelbarrow full — and cry out aloud, 
 with piercing emphasis, "How becoming ! " 
 
 This shoj) is an especial favourite with ladies 
 about to enter the holy state of matrimonj^, and 
 occasionally the bride^s wreath and veil sur- 
 rounded by those of the bridesmaids, all ready 
 to be sent home at nightfall, are kindly exhi- 
 bited in the plate -glass windows to admiring 
 thousands. 
 
 Such a sight is very beautiful, and helps to 
 purify the heart, especially as it reminds the 
 sweetly pathetic countenances around that there 
 is no telling how soon it may be their turn, and 
 that they should ever be prepared for the heart- 
 rending trial. 
 
 Of course the drapers' shop windows are the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 175 
 
 most interesting for the lounger's contemplation ; 
 but they are usually too crowded for comfortable 
 study; and the women, in their enraptured 
 gazings, push and jostle the philosopher most 
 rudely, so that deep meditation is almost im- 
 possible. 
 
 The art-criticisms on the goods are simple as 
 the draper's own placards, *' sweet" and "lovely" 
 taking the -placQ of " rich " and '* distingue." 
 The discussions as to makiug-up have also their 
 interest, the question of with or without flounces 
 or with a double skirt rarely meeting with oppo- 
 sition or leading to angry feeling. 
 
 About three o'clock on a sun-bright day, when 
 the awnings are lowered and the broughams draw- 
 up, and delicate beauties, who haven't "a thing 
 fit to wear," step forth, dressed to the extremest 
 extent of fancy millinery, and lounge into the 
 shops to see if there is anything that will tempt 
 them — that is the right time for enjoying Oxford 
 Street : for then it is in its full swing of business, 
 and you may see more x^retty faces in one hour 
 than you would meet with in any other country 
 in a six-months' voyage of discovery.
 
 176 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 On a certain day in the month of May, the 
 Beadles of London are called upon to officiate 
 at a most important ceremony — one upon which 
 the parochial peace and happiness for the next 
 twelve months in a great measure depends. 
 
 On this appointed morning in May, the metro- 
 politan Bumbles wake early, roused from their 
 slumbers by the anxiety and cares of office. 
 They know that the eye of the public is staring 
 hard, at them — they feel that the dark lantern 
 of opinion has been turned full upon their be- 
 haviour. They sigh as they brush their gorgeous 
 cocked hats. 
 
 Nobody understands better than Mr. Bumble 
 how necessary it is that the limits of a parish 
 should be accurately defined. 
 
 In leading forth the detachment of little charity 
 boys who are to beat the bounds, he is assisting 
 in no mere pompous display of power, but actually 
 protecting his parish from the rapaciousness of 
 upstart paupers. Unless it can be clearly proved 
 where St. Pancras ends and Marylebone begins, 
 how are settlements to be disputed or out- door
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 177 
 
 relief refused ? Unconsciously, St. James might 
 be serving out its nutritious gruel and delicate 
 bread to paupers who should have feasted at St. 
 Martin's expense. 
 
 We have often met with these detachments of 
 charity boys, headed by a noble bouquet-ornated 
 Beadle, making the rounds of the parish. They 
 are usually accompanied by the curate — the one 
 who receives the £80 a-year. He is dressed in 
 his white robes, and by his bland smile hopes to 
 impress lookers-on with the belief that his pre- 
 sence on the occasion was entirely a matter of 
 option with him. 
 
 The yellow-legged charity boys carry long 
 wands, and at first sight the inexperienced be- 
 holder might imagine that he had fallen in with 
 an eccentric fishing-party. 
 
 But presently the procession nears a corner 
 house, against the walls of which a small iron 
 tablet has been fastened. This is a boundary 
 mark. The quick eye of Bumble sees it, and 
 raising his massive -headed staff, he orders his 
 close-cropped lads to halt and prepare for action. 
 
 Delighted at the novelty of having to beat, 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 178 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 instead of being beaten, the lads impatiently 
 await the signal for attack from their great 
 captain, who has prudently retired to a slight 
 distance, perhaps awed by the malicious sparkle 
 that lights up the eyes of the youths. 
 
 A hand that has grown fat and fair in the 
 parochial service is raised, and then with a 
 shout, such as greets the sight of a kitchen 
 chimney on fire, the boys fall to, bravely as 
 carpet beaters, sparing no rod and spoiling no 
 boundary, but thrashing the bricks with an energy 
 that — if walls had tongues as w^ell as ears — would 
 make the old brickwork roar and howl like a 
 full-voiced babe on washing night with soap in 
 its eyes. 
 
 This ceremony, as practised in our time, has 
 lost all its picturesqueness through the absurd 
 costume worn by the children of charity. To 
 our mind, the parish boy's uniform has the great 
 disadvantage of allowing too much of the youths' 
 legs to be visible, especially at an age when his 
 tender years have not permitted the calves to 
 be properly developed, and this coupled with the 
 yellow hue of the knee-breeches, imparts to the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 179 
 
 aminteresting wearer somewliat tlie look of a 
 young fowl. Thin legs are never pleasing — in a 
 highly poetical sense — but when paucity of flesh 
 is joined to an unreasonable] gaudiness of nether 
 raiment, the effect produced upon the gazer is 
 most unsatisfactory. 
 
 We are told that Eogation Week — the time 
 when these parochial perambulations take place — 
 is always the week next but one before Whit Sun- 
 day, and so called because on the Monday, Tues- 
 day, and Wednesday, Rogations and Litanies were 
 formerly used. Fasting and abstinence were en- 
 joined by the Church, and religious processions 
 ordained. The primitive custom was for the 
 people to accompany the bishop, or some of the 
 clergy, into the fields, where Litanies were made 
 and the mercy of God implored that He would 
 avert the evils of plague and pestilence, that He 
 would send them good and seasonable weather, 
 and give them in due season the fruits of the 
 earth. 
 
 Of the magnificence of these processions in 
 former times, some idea may be formed by the 
 
 N 2
 
 180 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 account given of the banners belonging to Christ 
 Church, Canterbur3\ They were of velvet and 
 rich stuffs, embroidered with gold, and adorned 
 with the arms of the king and the different nobles, 
 who held large estates in the county, and were 
 staunch defenders of the faith. 
 
 In the year 747, Cuthbert, Archbishop of Can- 
 terbury, ordered that "Litanies " — that is, "Ro- 
 gations,^^ should be observed, by the clergy and 
 all the people, with great reverence, on the 7th of 
 the Calends of May, and that they should be ac- 
 companied with fastings and humiliations. Also, 
 in the reign of Queen Elizabeth, an injunction 
 w^as made, ordering the curate at certain and con- 
 venient places to admonish the people "to give 
 thanks to God in the beholding of God's benefits, 
 for the increase and abundance of His fruits." 
 The psalms to be repeated on these solemn oc- 
 casions are duly given ; and the minister is also 
 commanded " to inculcate such sentences as, 
 * Cursed be he which translateth the bounds and 
 doles of his neighbour.' " 
 
 It would appear that the wicked peojjle, instead 
 of attending to these ordinances, grew negligent
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 181 
 
 of their religious duties, and preferred devoting the 
 holiday to love-making and pic-nics; for in a 
 sermon in the " Crosse dajes, or Rogation daj^es," 
 we find the follomng complaints : — " Alacke for 
 pitie ! these solemne and accustomable proces- 
 sions be nowe growen into a right foule and de- 
 testable abuse." Great complaint was made that 
 the men and women for the " most parte " came 
 rather to set out and show themselves, and to 
 " passe the time with vayne and unprofitable 
 tales and merry fables," than to make supplica- 
 tions to God " for theyr lackes and necessities." 
 The reverend gentleman, by stating that he will 
 not mention certain abuses, cleverly manages 
 to catalogue the backslidings of his flock : — " I 
 wyll not speake of the rage and furour of these 
 uplandysh processions and gangyngs about, which 
 be spent in ryotyng and in belychere." He also 
 refers to the unbecoming manner in which the 
 banners and badges of the cross are irreverently 
 handled, so that " it is merveyle God destroye us 
 not in one daye." 
 
 From this same pastor we learn what was 
 to be prayed for in these Rogation festivals : —
 
 182 FACES FOR FOUTUNES. 
 
 *' That God, of His gooclnes, w}'!! defends and^ 
 save tlie corne in the felde, and that He will 
 vouchsave to pourge the ayer ; for this cause be 
 certaine gospels read in the wyde felde amonges 
 the corne and grasse, that, by vertue and opera- 
 tion of God's word, the power of the wicked 
 spirites which keepe in the air and infecte the 
 same (whence come pestilences and other kyndes 
 of disease and sjdmesses) may be layde downe." 
 
 The censures of this fervent clergyman do not 
 seem to have met with such success as they 
 deserved. The people still remained hard- 
 hearted and continued their courting and feast- 
 ing. "What say ye to processions in gang- 
 daies, when Sir John saith a gospel to our 
 corne-feldes ? " asks Michael Wodde in his 
 "Dialogues" (1554) : to which one Oliver rudely 
 answers, "As for your Latine gospels, read to 
 the corne, I am sure the corne understandeth 
 as much as you, and therefore hath as much 
 profit by them as ye have — that is to sai, none 
 at all ! " 
 
 Shaw's '* History of Staffordshire'' contains 
 the most precise account extant of how these
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 183 
 
 processions were practised of old. The sacrist, 
 resident prebendaries, and members of the choir, 
 assembled at morning praj^er on Monday and 
 Tuesday in Kogation Week with the charity chil- 
 dren bearing long poles clothed with all kinds 
 of flowers then in season. When the procession 
 was formed, it proceeded to parade the streets 
 with great solemnity, the clergy, singing men 
 and boys, dressed in their sacred vestments, and 
 chanting in "a gi-ave and appropriate melody " 
 the canticle " Benedicite, omnia opera," &c. 
 
 In the '' Articles of Enquiry within the Diocese 
 of Chichester, 1637," is the following question: 
 — " Doth your minister yeerly, in Rogation 
 weeke, for the knowing and distinguishing of 
 the bounds of parishes, and for obtaining God's 
 blessing upon the fruites of the ground, walke the 
 perambulation, and say or sing in English the 
 Gospells, Epistels, Letanie, and other devout 
 prayers, together with the 103rd and 104th 
 Psalmes ? " 
 
 A most ingenious method for perpetuating the 
 recollection of particular parish boundaries on 
 the minds of the young, was a hundred years ago
 
 184 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 devised by the churchwarclens of Chelsea, and 
 sixty years later imitated in the parishes of Nor- 
 wich and other outlying places. At every mark 
 denoting the limit, a boy was soundly w4iipped, or 
 a bucket of cold water was discharged at him, he 
 being certain never afterwards to forget the spot 
 at which he suffered so remarkably : and should 
 any dispute hereafter arise with a neighbouring 
 parish, the unhappy lad was certain to prove an 
 invaluable witness, and to give such evidence as 
 no cross-examining could shake. 
 
 To show the perseverance ever displayed by 
 parochial authorities to promote the welfare of 
 their parish at the expense of anybody, we may 
 refer to a most extraordinary action for damages 
 which in the year 1830 was brought against the 
 parishioners of Walthamstow. 
 
 It would appear that a gentleman was one day 
 seated on the banks of the Lea, quietly fishing, 
 and enjoying that wonderful quietude and bliss- 
 fulness of mind which all anglers since Walton 
 are known to have experienced. He kept his 
 eyes so intently fixed upon his bobbing float, 
 that he did not notice a band of malicious yellow-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 1^5 
 
 legged parochial ruffians creeping up towards 
 him. 
 
 Urged on by the Beadle, the valiant charity- 
 boys seized the pensive angler. He was carried 
 to a stone bridge and with legs and arms firmly 
 clasped by his assailants, he was bumped like a 
 battering-ram against the corner and boundary 
 stone. To use the complainant's own words, 
 " His agony was such that at every fresh con- 
 cussion he felt as if he would be knocked through 
 himself and come out backwards.^' The suf- 
 ferer, who asked for bumping damages, re- 
 covered ^50. 
 
 Another mode employed for impressing the 
 situation of the boundaries on the memory of 
 man, is described by a Mr. Barnes. A man was 
 brought forward as a witness to prove that a 
 certain stream was the boundary of the parish. 
 "Now, sir," exclaimed the barrister, "can jou 
 swear to this stream being the boundary-mark ? " 
 " Ees, I can," replied the man ; " I'm sure o't by 
 the same token that I were tossed into't, and 
 paddled about like a rat, till I wor hafe dead."
 
 186 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 It has been proved by actual experiment that 
 to achieve the absolute perfection of female 
 beauty the united cliarms of one hundred of the 
 finest creatures in the world are required — their 
 selected superiorities being condensed into one 
 unrivalled result. 
 
 When blue dahlias abound in our front gardens, 
 or (to use a more homely and essentially feminine 
 prophecy) when torn cats of tortoiseshell out- 
 number those of tabby or black, then, and not 
 until then, shall faultless beauty in woman rejoice 
 the eyes of men. 
 
 There are, it is well known, no ugly women ; 
 but even the most poetic and grateful worshipper 
 must admit that some of the delicious sex are 
 prettier than others, or, to indulge in the trite 
 comparison of a gentleman trading in Mincing 
 Lane, wholesale loveliness does not run as even 
 as peas in a sack. 
 
 That he might sculpture a perfect Venus, the 
 imaginative Phidias caused to be gathered toge- 
 ther (Pericles being agreeable) a flock of the 
 most fascinating darlings in Greece, and from
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 187 
 
 their multitudinous gifts he concocted a goddess. 
 Like unto one walking in a choice garden, and 
 gathering from the flowers around none but the 
 sweetest blossoms, so did the high-art Phidias, 
 in his paradise of loveliness, cull from his 
 blooming models none but the rarest of Nature's 
 tid-bits. 
 
 From Niobe he stole an eyelid and from 
 Cassandra he plucked a sidelock, whilst the 
 little finger of Tutia rejoiced his heart, and 
 he breathed inspiration from Selma's dimple. 
 Thus was Nature's dissected puzzle of beauty 
 put together and the hundred fragments harmo- 
 niously jointed. 
 
 But, alas ! Avhen the overwhelming perfection 
 before which men were to bow down was ready 
 for their adoration, the benighted heathens min- 
 gled groans with their prayers to think that 
 the wives of the world, so tender and true, should 
 be surpassed in beauty by an image of marble, 
 so cold and hard. 
 
 These sculptors do abominable mischief.. 
 They certainly elevate the taste and educate
 
 188 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the eye; but what, we will ask, is the use of 
 making mankind discontented with the beauty 
 they possess by instructing them in loveliness 
 which never can be met with? As well might 
 a Lombard Street banker endeavour to elevate 
 the tastes of parish paupers by lecturing on the 
 delights of turtle dinners. 
 
 There is really something exquisitely spiteful 
 in the very idea of instructing the world too 
 highly in such art-revelations, for it only tends 
 to expose the defects of many a fair innocent 
 who, until then, may have passed for perfection. 
 Imagine the feelings of Eudolph, who, after 
 adoring the soft voice of his sweet Janet, and 
 basking in the calm light of her e^^es, is sud- 
 denly awakened by a high-art lecture, and dis- 
 covers that his darling's proportions are un- 
 worthy of his instructed affections. Because 
 gentle Kate hath a clumsy ankle, is she never 
 to be loved? Is dear Maria to die a withered 
 spinster because a " six " glove is too small for 
 her "seven-and-a-half" hand? Certainly not 
 — at least so long as we live in a Christian 
 land.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 18 
 
 AVbat a merc}^ what a comfort is it, that it has 
 been permitted to man to love according to his 
 own tastes and in despite of the art-rules of the 
 academies ! The plainest woman that for many- 
 centuries has startled civilisation was the late 
 Mdme. Julia Pastrana, a lady so unfortunately 
 ill-favoured, that for the small charge of one 
 shilling she comforted the entire female sex ; 
 for as the visitor, however uninteresting, stood 
 beside the black phenomenon the comparison 
 of charms was full of consolation to the pale 
 face. 
 
 That undoubtedly plain lady did more good in 
 her day than the Venus of Phidias has worked 
 in ages. Instead of causing jealousy, she shed 
 happiness around her. 
 
 "Whenever a poor wife observed, or, what is 
 the same thing, fancied she observed, that the 
 tenderness of her lord had abated ; or if she 
 caught him gazing too eagerly on the attractions 
 of complete strangers, she could speedily cure 
 him of his gallivanting propensities and chastise 
 his wicked spirit by coaxing him into a visit to 
 the afflicted Julia.
 
 190 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 On beliolding the extraordinarily repulsive 
 features of the hirsute shilling's-worth, even 
 the most wandering love returned affrighted to 
 its legitimate bosom-home. Many were the 
 silent prayers of thankfulness offered up by 
 penitent deceivers that fate had spared them 
 the infliction of a charmer encumbered with the 
 unnatural whisker ; and so grandly did back- 
 sliding husbands rejoice in the blessings of a 
 pink-skinned bride, that many a subdued incon- 
 stant, in gratitude for his marital lot, would, on 
 leaving the exhibition room, tenderly embrace his 
 wife in the outer passage, and, with impressive 
 gallantry, insist on a peace-offering of straw- 
 berries and cream at Grange's, hard by. 
 
 Julia is dead, and, if report speaks truly, she 
 has since been embalmed and re-exliibited. For 
 the good she wrought she met with a womanly 
 reward — she was, in spite of her face, married. 
 High-art rules could not condemn her to die un- 
 wedded. If her countenance repelled, even unto 
 the scaring of crows, her figure was perfect and 
 attracted admiration. Costumed in a pleasant 
 ballet toilet of sky-blue satin, she controlled
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 3 91 
 
 lier pirouettes with the consummate grace of a 
 Carlotta Grisi. The young man who took the 
 checks at the door became madl}^ enamoured of 
 her Cachuca. Interesting and handsome, his 
 advances met with a modest response, and Julia, 
 overcome by emotion, muttered the fatal " If you 
 X)lease." 
 
 We have now lying before us a testimonial 
 which, unsolicited, was sent to the good Pastrana 
 by a grateful wife. We will print it in full. 
 
 " I had for months been suffering from a 
 disordered establishment, originally caused by a 
 severe fall out with my husband, which, at the 
 time I imprudently thought nothing of, declining 
 to follow any advice for the recovery of his 
 affections. I regret to state that Mr. Perky 
 neglecting the usual remedies for a bruised 
 spirit, I indulged in airs which ultimately pro- 
 duced a coldness, and, before long, led to alarm- 
 ing symptoms of great mortification and threat- 
 ened violent eruptions of broils. Terrible to 
 say, I was given up by my own faculties. For 
 nights and nights I was determined that Mr.
 
 192 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Perky should not eiijoy the blessings of my 
 sleep. My appetite, when he was present, en- 
 tirely failed me. The moment I caught his 
 eye my looks betrayed excruciating torments. 
 These attacks were certainly aggravated by 
 wrong treatment, and were succeeded by a vio- 
 lent thirst for revenge ; so that Mr. Perky, in 
 the vain hope of checking my obstinate com- 
 plaints, administered doses of remarks extremely 
 bitter and most difficult to swallow. 
 
 " Eventually finding that nothing afforded me 
 relief, I sought other advice, calling in a lady 
 enjoying a most extensive practice of interfering 
 in other persons' affairs. On hearing my case 
 she instantly suggested that Mr. Perky should 
 undergo your love-cure process, insisting on a 
 visit to your admirable establishment and a trial 
 of your electrical effects. The first visit acted 
 like my charms. I was nearly restored to my 
 former position. A second seance gave me such 
 strength I could sit up and dictate my own 
 terms. A third completed the recovery of all 
 my power, and I am now, thanks to you, able 
 to walk every day as far as Lewis and AUenby's
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 193 
 
 without experiencing the least difficulty in set- 
 tling the bill. Yours, ever grateful, 
 
 " Thursa Perky." 
 
 Had it been permitted unto the enthusiastic 
 Phidias to have flourished in the present day, 
 and had the honour of his acquaintance and 
 showing him about London been vouchsafed 
 unto us, we fancy we could have indulged him 
 in a finer display of female loveliness than any 
 assortment which the art- commissioners of Peri- 
 cles were able to select. 
 
 The fair maids of modern Athens, although 
 Byron yielded to the fascinations of one of them 
 in three sweet stanzas, do not give evidence of 
 the beauty of the ancient race ; either to-day 
 has sadly fallen off, or olden time was not worth 
 looking at. The sublime features which adorned 
 the statuary of ancient Kome may yet be com- 
 monly seen, unwashed but beautiful, in the Eter- 
 nal City. But the Hellenes of the eighteenth 
 century bear no resemblance to the marble re- 
 cords of their comely ancestors. 
 
 "We were once present at a meeting which was
 
 194 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 attended by many Greek ladies of fashion, cele- 
 brated in their native land for their fascinations, 
 but we must confess we could gaze on them and 
 draw our breath with Quaker-like serenity. The 
 countenances were too Eastern for our palpita- 
 tions. The almond-and-raisin effect of the eyes 
 and complexion did not feast our emotions so 
 luxuriously as the peach-and-cherry delights of 
 English cheeks and lips. Our heart was as calm 
 as a sleeping dove, not even one flutter disturb- 
 ing its rest, and we had no occasion to solicit 
 in impassioned rhymes the return of our vital 
 pump. 
 
 If the selected fair ones that inspired the 
 labours of Phidias were not more overwhelm- 
 ing than the belles of the Hellenic meeting, 
 we with confidence assert that we could within 
 the limits of a shilling cab fare have shown 
 unto the immortal sculptor a thousand beauties 
 a thousand times more beautiful than the 
 selected models for his Venus by merely order- 
 ing the driver to proceed slowly up Eegent 
 Street.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 195 
 
 But, above all, we would have taken him on 
 a bright afternoon, in the spring time of the 
 year, to that delightful exercising-ground where 
 the delicate ones canter over the soft earth in 
 search of admiration and an appetite for dinner : 
 that wonderful mile of beauty with bright eyes 
 and flushed cheeks, christened, by some inexpli- 
 cable absurdity, Eotten Row. 
 
 There we would have requested our Phidias 
 (though we do not speak his language fluentty) 
 to lean over the iron railing and command 
 his feelings. There we would have watched 
 his expressive features as he gluttonised on 
 the beautiful. How many of such amazing 
 Amazons would have sufficed for his next 
 Venus ? One hundred ? He could have sculp- 
 tured every goddess in Olympus from half the 
 number. 
 
 It is decidedly a very delicious indulgence 
 to take a penny chair and enjoy the marvels 
 of human perfection at the exhibition of Rotten 
 Row. We delight in the sight of those proud 
 silly horses submitting, despite their show of 
 
 o 2
 
 196 FACES FOK FORTUNES. 
 
 strength and the defiant archness of their necks, 
 to he held in command hy a little fist scarce 
 large enough to hold a pigeon's egg. As we 
 contemplate the horsemen and horsewomen cara- 
 colling along so easily, we devoutly wish tlie 
 blessings of ten thousand a year had been per- 
 mitted to us, that we might join the pleasant 
 company and amble over the noiseless ride, 
 chatting with the fairest. 
 
 Even the grooms that follow behind their fair 
 mistresses at such useless distances, we regard 
 with envy, and spitefully inveigh against their 
 plaster of Paris legs — those singular tightly-fitted 
 thighs, which ought to burst with a loud report 
 and shrivel up, bladder-like. 
 
 There are moments at Kotten Row, when to 
 cure our melancholy we turn to commerce for 
 comfort, and attempt to value the dancing, 
 prancing steeds — pricing the bay or the chest- 
 nut at — say — three hundred, and not dear at 
 the price. A fair creature, facing the breeze, 
 glides past with pink cheeks, little thinking 
 that half a yard of rippling hair is floating 
 over her shoulders. The long habits flap and
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 197 
 
 crackle, the horses snort and insultingly send 
 spray into our face, the voices [chirp and chatter, 
 and ride away. Every creature is happy but the 
 unlucky looker-on, who wishes he could join in 
 the fun, and lean over his saddle and flatter the 
 girls. 
 
 Kotten Kow must he more than one mile in 
 length, fqr the horsemen in the distance, trotting 
 up the rising ground that leads towards Ken- 
 sington Gardens, appear like black specks, 
 scarcel}' to be distinguished from the shadows 
 they cast. The place reminds you of a riding- 
 school where flirting is allowed. 
 
 There are so few spectators, that there is an 
 air of privacy, as if it were a practising-ground. 
 The ride has been covered with a soft earth 
 that takes the impressions of the hoofs, spotting 
 it like a sheep-walk. It gives you the notion 
 that it has been placed there to ease the falls 
 of any of the pupils who may be thrown from 
 their saddles. 
 
 The wonderful dandies hanging over the rail- 
 ings in Rotten Row, go there to fascinate the 
 ladies, and are all open to good offers ; but there
 
 198 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 are hundreds of modest-minded mortals, who,. 
 hai)py as at a circus, have come to see and admire 
 the horses. It is a sight as pecuUar to England 
 as a procession of charity children or a hrewery. 
 What heavy cheques have heen signed for each 
 of those proud, straight-hacked, amhling animals ! 
 What care has heen hestowed to polish up those 
 hides, and trim those fetlocks, so as to render 
 them fit to appear in the haute societe of the 
 Park ! They are of all colours and mixtures of 
 colours. 
 
 A chestnut coh, with a full bright eye, stand- 
 ing out as a door handle, ambles past, moving 
 his ears backwards and forwards as quickly 
 and suddenly as Punch does his arms. A brown 
 horse, with a rounded neck shining like polished 
 mahogany, walks past, looking frowningly on 
 the ground as if he saw snakes. He seems 
 angry at having a master on his back, and 
 insists on looking sulky. Sometimes he turns 
 sideways and prances, as if to remonstrate 
 against the power that governs him. Or else 
 a handsome beast — black with white legs, like- 
 an onyx stone — darts by, tossing the foam into-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 199 
 
 the air, and blowing through his nostrils with 
 fierce pride. He throws out his legs straight 
 from him like a boxer hitting. 
 
 An old gentleman approaches on an iron- 
 gray cob, which goes sidewa3^s, like a boat adrift. 
 The old gentleman is heav}^, but the cob is 
 sturdy and fresh, and shakes and tosses his 
 venerable load, until his watch-seals, shirt-frill, 
 and full stomach threaten to break loose and 
 come off. The ladies^ horses are quieter, having 
 been politely educated. Their thin fetlocks bend 
 like springs, to ease the jolting, and the only 
 prank they indulge in is in stretching out their 
 necks, and suddenly dragging forward the slender 
 arm and small hand that holds the reins. 
 
 Sometimes parties of ladies and gentlemen, 
 six or seven abreast, advance at full gallop silent 
 and compact as a body of cavalry under orders 
 to charge into and disperse the carriages drawn 
 up at the entrance to the ride ; others, in groups 
 of twos or threes, are slowly walking their horses, 
 keeping close to the side rails, and chatting as 
 well as the jolting of the animals will permit 
 them.
 
 200 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 This chatting seems to depend entirely upon 
 how such parties are composed. When it is a 
 papa accompanying his daughters, it is curious 
 to remark how silent the young ladies are : 
 they look about them, pat their horses, ar- 
 range their dress, do anything but converse 
 together; but occasionally, one of these groups 
 goes past, the ladies laughing and speaking so 
 loudly, that at a distance you could imagine they 
 were quarrelling with the young fellow leaning 
 sideways over his saddle, and looking up ad- 
 miringly into their faces. He is too attentive to 
 be a brother, and they laugh too much, and 
 reply too coquettishly, for him to be a relation 
 of any kind. 
 
 Most ladies look well on horseback. The hat 
 allows the greater portion of the hair to be seen 
 — always a blessing. The veil gives mystery to 
 the countenance, assisting the ugly, and making 
 the pretty appear vexatiously beautiful. Then 
 the tightly fitting body of the habit shows off 
 the delicacy and movement of the fragile figure, 
 whilst the folds of the long skirt floating in 
 the air, give a lightness to the form, already
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 201 
 
 rendered graceful from the half-crouching atti- 
 tude required by the saddle. Some of the ladies 
 wear beaver or velvet wide-awakes, ornamented 
 with a bunch of plumes ; others low-crowned 
 hats, with falls around from the broad brim. 
 A bright neck-ribbon relieves the monotony 
 of the even-tinted cloth habit, whilst the white 
 glove gives a finish to the general appearance. 
 Occasionally, when these ladies trot along the 
 ride, the breeze will force on one side the thick 
 folds of the skirt, and indulge you with a peep 
 at a small polished leather boot, resting in the 
 bright steel stirrup. It is not much, but it is 
 soothing ! 
 
 On the other side of the Serpentine, the scene 
 is very different. There the carriages are moving 
 •slowly up and down the road, and thousands of 
 dandyfied spectators hang over the railings that 
 edge the footpaths, looking at each face that is 
 driven past. Whilst we were standing in Rotten 
 Row, we thought nothing could be more beautiful 
 than the graceful Amazons galloping past us ; but 
 now we are in the carriage-drive, we feel con-
 
 202 FACES FOR FOllTUNES. 
 
 vinced that a lady in a carriage looks immeasur- 
 ably the better of the two. 
 
 Those bonnets perched on the back of the 
 head, with the lace edges resting on the broad 
 bands of smooth, glossy hair ; the delicate cheek, 
 half crushing the flowers fastened around it; 
 the lazy, silken form reclining so gracefully on 
 the soft cushions of the barouch, present to us 
 a pleasanter and cooler picture than that of a 
 young lady being bumped in her saddle, until 
 the blood is hammered up into her face, and 
 she hasn't sufficient breath to say thank you for 
 a compliment. 
 
 The pretence for this delightful exhibition is 
 that of " taking the air;^' but, of course, that is 
 not the true object of the drive ; indeed, many 
 IDersons living at Norwood, Finchley, and High- 
 gate, leave their purer atmospheres, merely to 
 take a turn round the Serpentine, and let the 
 world see how rich and handsome they are. 
 
 This fashionable meeting might almost be 
 called a "Ladies' Show." The gentlemen 
 stand on each side of the carriage-way, and 
 hanging over the rails examine the countenance
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 203 
 
 and costume of each female exhibitor. The pro- 
 longed stare or the raised eye-glass is the only 
 kind of applause indulged in. The audience is 
 usually a quiet one, seldom expressing its admi- 
 ration in words, however beautiful the features 
 of the passer-by may be. 
 
 What a vast amount of money and ingenuity 
 have been expended to render these Hyde Park 
 exhibitions complete and attractive ! The mil- 
 liners and dressmakers of Paris and London 
 have made fortunes out of that afternoon's drive. 
 Horses have been rendered useless for all other 
 work, that they might learn how to throw out 
 their legs with grand action on that mile 
 of macadam. It is the " Longchamps '' of 
 London — a large parade - ground, where a 
 bonnet with a new shape or trimming, or 
 a dress with a new flounce or bodice, will 
 attract a crowd of eyes, and furnish patterns 
 for the next purchase or small talk for the 
 drawing-room. 
 
 There are green carriages picked out with 
 white, and blue carriages picked out with red ; 
 spinach and pea-green, Prussian blue, and cobalt-
 
 204 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 coloured vehicles. There are yellow carriages 
 with black stripes like a wasp's body; and 
 wicker-work phaetons, which may be light, but 
 are too much like hampers to be elegant; and 
 broughams, with every contrivance of springs, 
 some very near the ground, others high up, as 
 chariots ; and mail-phsetons, with two grooms 
 with folded arms, like Napoleons in livery, seated 
 behind ; and heavy landaus, with chintz furniture 
 big as bedsteads ; and elegant cabs with springy 
 shafts, that nearly churn the little fellow holding 
 on behind, and make him dance and jig up and 
 down with the wound-up regularity of a toy ; 
 indeed there is every kind of private convey- 
 ance, including dog-carts, curricles, gigs, and 
 horse -killers. 
 
 One carriage has a bright scarlet hammer- 
 cloth, glowing like a new fire engine, and on it is 
 seated a fat coachman with gay extremities, a 
 flaxen dollish wig, and pink silk stockings. On 
 the first inspection he appears indelicately clad 
 and too effeminate, perhaps too lovely. He 
 keeps his eyes fixed on the gray, prancing 
 cattle, as if every other minute he expected
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 205 
 
 them to bolt off. The " gentlemen ^' behind 
 have cocked hats and carry long sticks. They 
 resemble dandy beadles with their great-coats 
 off. Their hair is powdered like a miller's on 
 grinding days, their whiskers are bush}^ their 
 calves firm, and their bearing aristocratic, as 
 though proud of their profession. They also 
 seem indecently romantic, and too pretty. 
 
 A brougham, of evident newness, is walking 
 slowly down the road. By the door rides a 
 gentleman on horseback, who leans down so as 
 to be near the window, where a very lovely but 
 slightly bold face is peeping out. They are 
 talking sentimental nonsense, for the large blue 
 eyes of the lady are turned up towards the 
 ambrosial whiskers of the cavalier with an ex- 
 pression that shows she likes courtship. 
 
 A George the Fourth phaeton, with a lady 
 driving, crosses before the brougham. The lady 
 switches the horses with a whip, and makes a 
 noise with her lips as if she were calling a 
 canary. We are hurt to find that the whip is a 
 recent invention, combining with its driving pur- 
 poses the usefulness of a parasol. The lady
 
 206 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 is very pretty, with eyes as large as a fawn's ; 
 but we object to ladies who drive. It makes the 
 hands hard and the arms muscular. 
 
 That brougham is a hired one. The lining is 
 dragged and crushed, and the silk curtains to 
 the windows in front have turned to the colour 
 of an over-ripe cherry. Besides, the driver has 
 burst boots on, and jerks his reins like a cabman, 
 half breaking the jaw of the thin, brown horse 
 with the patched collar and string-tied harness. 
 Inside there is an old woman boldly decorated. 
 ^Ye look another way. 
 
 Many of the servants have black cockades in 
 their hats, looking like ventilators that have 
 become fixed and want to go round. If the 
 liveries are not becoming, they are gorgeous — 
 as witness that stout footman in a blue coat, 
 yellow waistcoat, and crimson-plush breeches, 
 and white stockings. An oilman^s shop front 
 could not be decorated in showier colours. 
 
 About six o'clock, the multitude look at their 
 v/atches, and make the best of their way home to 
 dinner. Voices inside the carriages call out to 
 the coachmen " home," and gradually the caval-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 207 
 
 cade thins, leaving behind only those who have 
 taken an early dinner, or who are very fashion- 
 able, and never touch a knife and fork before 
 eight P.M. 
 
 There are good old customs and bad old cus- 
 toms. For instance, every right-minded person 
 should, if he or she would pass a happy year, 
 eat lamb and gooseberries on Easter Monday, 
 pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, and plum-pudding 
 on Christmas-day. 
 
 These are, as every lady will agree, good old 
 customs, because the flavour of these several 
 dishes is excellent, and there is great pleasure 
 in complying with an ordinance that both delights 
 the appetite, and calms the mind. But on the 
 other hand, the cruel infliction of that vile repast 
 of salt fish on Ash Wednesda}^ is a very bad old 
 custom. Even if the sauce that is served up 
 with it, were made with the eggs of Birds of 
 Paradise, it could not impart a decent flavour 
 to the mess, so disgusting is the original 
 compound. 
 
 Why this absurd and unpalateable feast should
 
 208 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 be so stubbornly persisted in, we never could 
 make out ; we can only suppose that Fashion ^ 
 the most austere of all custom's officers, sanc- 
 tions and protects it ; or else that a generous, 
 government started the infliction for the better 
 protection and encouragement of the Newfound- 
 land fisheries. 
 
 In a letter to Aubrey, ("Miscellanies," 1714) 
 dated Ascension T>siy, 1682, is an account of a 
 custom practised at Newnton, in North Wilt- 
 shire ; where to perpetuate the memory of the 
 donation of a common to that place by King 
 Athelstan, and of a house for the hayward — i. e.,, 
 the person who looked after the beasts that fed 
 upon the common — the following ceremonies 
 were appointed : " Upon every Trinity Sunday, 
 the parishioners being come to the door of the 
 liayward's house, the door was struck thrice in 
 honour of the Holy Trinity ; then they entered. 
 The bell was rung ; after which, silence being 
 ordered, they read their prayers. Then was a 
 ghirland (garland) of flowers (about the year 1660,. 
 one was killed striving to take away the ghirland) 
 made upon an hoop, brought forth by a maid of
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 209 
 
 the town upon her neck; and a young man, a 
 bachelor, of another parish, first saluted her 
 three times in honour of the Trinitj% in respect 
 of God the Father. Then she puts the ghirland 
 upon his neck, and kisses him three times in 
 honour of the Trinity — particularly ^God the 
 Son. Then he puts the ghirland on her neck 
 again, and kisses her three times in respect of 
 the Holy Trinity, and particularly the Holy 
 Ghost. Then he takes the ghirland from her 
 neck, and by the custom, must give her a penny 
 at least, which, as fancy leads, is now exceeded, 
 as 2s. 6d5.," &c. 
 
 In all, nine kisses are given, three by the lady 
 and six by the gentleman. King Athelstan must 
 have been a very excellent man to have first 
 thought of such a pleasing custom. We have 
 been to the Crystal Palace on purpose to see his 
 statue, and, judging by it, we should say he was 
 both good looking and kind hearted. Poor 
 monarch ! little did he dream that his rebellious 
 people would one day so insult him as to abolish 
 the excellent ceremony that perpetuated his me- 
 mory and name.
 
 210 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 The gift of Id., after as many as nine kisses, 
 appears, even after consideration, to be both 
 mean and contemptible. It is not at the rate 
 of even one farthing per embrace. Besides, 
 what could a young lady do with a penny ? The 
 best thread is three -halfpence a reel, so she 
 could not buy that. She might have a bun, or 
 cross over Waterloo Bridge twice, or treat herself 
 to a peep show. Now, with half-a-crown, the 
 arrangements might be more vast and satis - 
 factor3\ The Lowther Arcade is open to all 
 l^urchasers who love jewels. For 2s. 6d. she 
 might obtain a locket, a ring, a plated fork, a 
 work-box, five pots of pomatum, or a peck of 
 hair pins, all of which would serve to keep alive, 
 for at least a month, the remembrance of the 
 youth who gave them to her. 
 
 In 1660, " one was killed striving to take away 
 the ghirland." Poor enthusiast ! most likely the 
 young lady was that year unusually beautiful, 
 and this rash man, being madly in love and 
 weak of leg, was tumbled over, and trampled 
 under the feet of her thousand admirers. You 
 might — but we shall not — write a romance or
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 211 
 
 compose a five act tragedy upon this simple 
 incident. 
 
 The greatest impediment that we see to the 
 introduction, now-a-daj^s, of this good old custom, 
 is, that the method of giving this garland was 
 " from house to house annually, till it came 
 round." In such a huge city as London, the 
 thing would be impossible. 
 
 Let us suppose that the parishioners of 
 Kennington, wishing to i)erpetuate the memory 
 of Athelstan, were to endeavour to revive the 
 ceremony. They would assemble] at the door 
 of the person who looks after the beasts on 
 the common ; i. e., the beadle who keeps the 
 naughty little boys in order ; and the young 
 lady living at No. 1, Susanna Crescent, would 
 be appointed to step forth with the garland 
 round her neck. How many thousand years 
 would it take before No. 46, Mary Cottages, 
 had her turn ? The thing is impracticable ! 
 
 Among the churchwardens' accounts at Lam- 
 beth, are the following items of expenditure in- 
 curred for one of these Trinity feasts : — 
 
 p 2
 
 212 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 1519. Item, for garlands and drynk for the 
 
 chylderne on Trenyte even . .006 
 
 — To Spryngwell and Smyth for syngyng 
 
 with the procession on Trenyte Sunday 
 
 even . . . . . . . 12 
 
 — Item, for four onssys of garnesyng re- 
 
 bonds, at 9d. the onse . . .030 
 
 How much " drynk" the poor wretched 
 " chylderne " could have in the present day for 
 Qd., it is heyond us to imagine. Three pints of 
 milk in three pailsful of water might furnish a 
 rich repast for a limited number. In the y^ear 
 1500, drinking materials were cheaper than they 
 are now; indeed, even up to the year 1760, there 
 were houses in St. Giles's where a man might, 
 for the small charge of one penny, make himself 
 drunk, and have clean straw to lie upon into 
 the bargain. Thank Providence ! the good old 
 times have passed away. 
 
 Messrs. Spryngwell and Smyth appear to have 
 acted as the brass band to the procession. The 
 former gentleman's name sounds more like that 
 of an acrobat than that of a musician, as if he 
 had been engaged to head the line by walking 
 on his hands instead of singing duets with 
 Smyth.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 213 
 
 It took four ounces of ribands to decorate the 
 garland in those times. There is not a servant- 
 maid in Bermondsey, or a lady in Belgravia, 
 who will not carry more in her next Sunday's 
 cap or bonnet. We sigh in vain for primitive 
 simplicity. 
 
 JUNE. 
 
 Now the sun is fierce, and Rowland advertises 
 his Kalydor ; you must dress in muslin or turn 
 to cinders. 
 
 Avoid the midday glare if you would escape 
 freckles. 
 
 Be careful that shoulders are protected from 
 the scorching rays, for though Lord Nussey 
 was in favour of a baked skin, it, as a rule, is 
 not appreciated. 
 
 There is a queer tale told of his lordship falling 
 in love with a Scotch lady whose delicate com- 
 plexion had been freckled to an extent which can 
 only be compared to the grated-crust efiect of a 
 breakfast ham. 
 
 The reason assigned by his lordship for this
 
 214 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 outrage against fair-fleshed loveliness is suf- 
 ficiently quaint. He was so ill-favoured that 
 his sentimental impulses, always repulsed, grew 
 beyond his restraint ; for, finding that no lady of 
 presence could, even with an effort, return his 
 affectionate advances, he of course was continu- 
 ally falling in love with every fine woman he be- 
 held. Therefore — being so plain that many of 
 the brightest ornaments in the best drawing- 
 rooms objected to look at him — he was at length 
 forced to confess that love was hopeless and 
 gratitude his only chance ; and he accordingly 
 selected his painfully freckled bride, observing 
 that a dear lady so outrageously afflicted ought 
 not in reason to expect a husband, consequently 
 her thankfulness to him must eventually ensure 
 her love. They lived many years, and seldom 
 quarrelled more than once a day. 
 
 *' He that repents him not of his marriage in a year and 
 
 a day, either sleeping or waking. 
 
 May lawfully go to Dunmow and fetch a gammon of 
 
 bacon." 
 
 Old Essex Saying. 
 
 A good wife was, is, and ever will be, a crown
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 215 
 
 unto a liusband, but, in by- gone days, she might 
 also be a flitch of bacon unto him, if he chose 
 to £^0 down to Dunmow and claim one. 
 
 In the 3"ear 1854, Mr. Ainsworth published liis 
 tale of " The Flitch of Bacon.'' The inhabit- 
 ants of Dunmow read the book, and felt their 
 hearts sw^ell within them as they pored over this 
 record of the ancient custom of their native 
 town. The simple w^ord " Bacon'' roused them 
 as a war song rouses a Highland Chieftain, and 
 as the notes of the clarion startle and excite the 
 old charger. A meeting was called at the Town 
 Hall, a committee formed, and a resolution passed 
 that so good a custom ought to be revived. A 
 letter was sent to Mr. Ainsworth asking for his 
 co-operation. 
 
 How could so poetic a novelist as Mr. Ains- 
 worth refuse ? If the Dunmowites were roused, 
 it w^as his doing. It was he who had caused 
 them to revolt from their every- day tranquillity ; 
 it was he who had taught them the war-cry of 
 " Connubial felicity and Bacon !" In answer to 
 their request, the committee received a beautiful 
 letter, containing a promise of five guineas
 
 216 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 towards the expenses of the ceremony, and an 
 undertakhig to present the Flitch of Bacon to 
 any couple who might claim it. 
 
 "The time-honoured custom ^^ — as Mr. Ains- 
 worth persisted in styling a ceremony which had 
 been neglected and dishonoured for nearly a 
 centurj^ — was (for one year only) again revived. 
 Any married couple w^ho could conscientiously 
 swear — or, if they had courage and impudence 
 enough, could unconscientiously declare, that 
 they had passed a twelvemonth and a day in 
 perfect harmony and happiness, were to re- 
 ceive as their reward a couple of hundred 
 w^eight of the mildest breakfast bacon, warranted 
 to be " Dunmow bred, Dunmow fed, and Dun- 
 mow cured." 
 
 Hitherto music had been the only recognised 
 food of love, but (for that year only) the carte du 
 jour was to boast of the addition of bacon. 
 
 This might be cooked in a variety of tanta- 
 lising w^ays. Fried with eggs, it would remind 
 the wedded lovers of the " yoke " they endured 
 so pleasantly ; or boiled with that emblem of 
 immortality — the bean — it would serve as a
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 217 
 
 token of their everlasting affection ; or as an 
 accompaniment to the delicate fowl, it would 
 call up the picture of the gentle hen — the poetic 
 symbol of motherly love. 
 
 " To say that a couple ' deserve the flitch ' is a 
 high compliment," wrote Mr. Charles Pavey — by 
 order of the committee ; " but to say that * the}' 
 have actually won it,^ is to proclaim them amongst 
 the happiest of mankind.''' What, then, must be 
 the feelings of the man and wife who have not 
 only won their bacon, but eaten it ! How full 
 they must be of love ! For the future, Cupid 
 should alter his name to " Flitcherty Witchet,'' 
 and change his quiver of arrows for a bundle of 
 ham skewers. 
 
 For one entire century no claim had been made 
 for the Dunmow flitch. Our forefathers and 
 foremothers must have been very bad husbands 
 and wives. There w^ere Lovelaces and Charles 
 Surfaces in the world then, who could make such 
 deadly love, and say such beautiful things, that 
 no wife was safe. The husbands, too, were very 
 fond of drinking, and a man who can stow away 
 his six bottles of wine, or his ten quarts of beer,
 
 218 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 could not, naturall}^ have much room left in his 
 body for love. 
 
 There was more hiccuping than conjugal coo- 
 ing in those days. The pop of the cork, or the 
 gurgling of the tap, was infinitely preferred to 
 the sound of a wife's tongue. How could a lady, 
 who seven nights a week had helped to carry her 
 rickety spouse to bed, refrain from wishing her- 
 self "umnarried again?'' How could a gentle- 
 man, who discovered his better-half constantly 
 taking moonlight walks with a dashing stranger 
 avoid " household brawls or contentious strife ? " 
 
 But mark the difference between 1755 and 
 1855! Notice how the present generation have 
 purified and filtered, and become sparkling and 
 pure ! The mud has settled, we are clear as 
 crystal. 
 
 Scarcely had ** notice been given" in the local 
 papers that all claimants for the Flitch of Bacon 
 must send in their applications, than the com- 
 mittee was inundated with letters demanding the 
 virtuous reward. They were as numerous as the 
 leaves on a rose, and each one as full as a Dutch 
 woman's skirt. Only fourteen of them were,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 219 
 
 however, printed, so the others were unfortunately 
 lost to the world. 
 
 Both Mr. and Mrs. were able, freely and 
 
 conscientiously, to claim the flitch, and were 
 desirous of doing so long ago, but the postmaster 
 of Dunmow had told them he considered the 
 custom obsolete. 
 
 One person was willing to lay his claim before 
 the committee, if it could possibly be done ivith- 
 out reqiiiring his wife to take the oath. He tvas 
 2cilling to sioear for her as ivell as himself. 
 
 This struck us as being a mean attempt to 
 purloin the bacon. Perhaps his wife was one of 
 those unfortunate ladies who wish " they had 
 never set eyes on the man." A question might 
 arise, whether he had ever been as willing to 
 swear at his wife as he was now to swear for 
 her. 
 
 Another husband wrote, that he Vv^as most 
 decidedly entitled to the prize, but he dared not 
 offer his oath in the matter. He was — once — in 
 good circumstances ; but though, in the words of 
 the proverb, "poverty came in at the door," love 
 was not mean enough to rush out at the window.
 
 220 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 But, alas ! he was married at the Eegistrar^s 
 Office, and therefore he and his wife could not 
 swear that " since the church clerk said ' Amen,' 
 they had never wished themselves unmarried 
 again," for there was no church clerk present at 
 their wedding. 
 
 An attempted imposition was most fortunately 
 detected in time to save the wavering flitch. 
 The impostor offered to swear that for three 
 years after marriage he had never exchanged an 
 angry word with his wife. The villain was a 
 sailor. He had, one week after the wedding, 
 started on a voyage which lasted three years. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Blackwell (this j)oor lady died 
 shortly afterwards), Mr. and Mrs. Barlow, and 
 Monsieur and Madame de Chatelain, also sent 
 in their claims, each of their letters being as 
 redolent of love as if a full bottle of the 
 " Bouquet d Amour'* had been spilt over the 
 writing paper. 
 
 To give greater effect to the ceremony, it was 
 determined that the procession to and from the 
 Town Hall should be as gorgeous as possible. 
 The committee cast their eyes around them.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 221 
 
 They wanted horses of all colours — some with 
 spots, and all with long tails ; they wanted velvet 
 coats and velvet gowns, and music and chariots. 
 Fame whispered in their ears the name of "E. T. 
 Smith." 
 
 The man who could conjure Drury Lane 
 into a paying property, must he a great man. 
 As he had, strange to say, sent in a claim for 
 the flitch, his address was easily found. That 
 gentleman at once, most obligingly and hand- 
 somely, acceded to the proposition. He instantly 
 ordered the property-room to be looked over, and 
 himself pointed out the peasants', beefeaters^ and 
 minstrels' costumes to he worn on the occasion. 
 Garlands by the mile, golden-wands by the 
 faggot, and banners by the gross, were carefully 
 placed in packing-cases, and sent off, carriage 
 paid, to Dunmow. 
 
 Mr. James Barlow, and Hannah, his wife, were 
 the couple who stood first on the Committee's 
 good books. The only objection we had to this 
 choice was, that Mr. Barlow resided at Chipping 
 Ongar, a town whose name is not only ugly, but 
 positively oflfensive. It reminds us of big eels.
 
 S22 TACES FOR FOETUNES. 
 
 How such a place, with such a title, could contain 
 a happy pair, was incomprehensible. What was 
 Maydew about ? AVas Clovernook asleep ? 
 
 The Chevalier and Madame de Chatelain, are 
 each of them writers of distinction. The lady is 
 of English birth, and the authoress of numerous 
 charming volumes, amongst which we cannot 
 help naming "The Silver Swan" and "The 
 Blind Fisherman." 
 
 It was originally intended that only one prize 
 should be given away. But the fact of a French 
 gentleman having sent in a claim, caused the 
 committee to break through this resolution ; 
 and, as the bills said, "out of compliment to 
 the Anglo-French alliance,^^ the Chevalier was 
 admitted as a successful candidate for the 
 honour. 
 
 This was, it appeared to us, very unjust towards 
 our other Allies. We could understand that, so 
 far as regards the Turks, it would be impossible 
 to show them a similar courtesy. First of all, 
 the great number of wives allowed by the Maho- 
 metan religion, precludes the possibility of a 
 perfectly united household; and, secondly, the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. "22 3 
 
 Turks do not eat pork. But, why were our 
 fighting friends, the Sardinians, excluded ? Per- 
 haps it was considered that those who were at 
 that time battling with us in the Crimea would 
 be- too fully occupied in saving their own bacon 
 to care about coming all the way to Dunmow for 
 a slice of Essex pork. 
 
 On Thursday, the 19th of July, 1855, the sun 
 would have risen in all his glory, but it rained 
 too hard. At 7 o'clock in the morning the angr}^ 
 sky commenced spitting like a savage cat, as 
 though it were jealous at the constant allusions 
 made by the Dunmow claimants to their lives of 
 perpetual sunshine, and was determined to cloud 
 their boasted happiness for once. 
 
 But the sight of a couple who, during fifteen 
 years' wedlock, had never wished themselves 
 unmarried again, is a rare spectacle, compared 
 with which the Edmonton Twins or the Talking 
 Fish are every-day occurrences. When we 
 reached the Eastern Counties Kailway Station a 
 long train was already crowded, and the porters 
 were attaching more carriages. In spite of rain, 
 everybody was sentimentally dressed in the most
 
 224 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 splendid attire — delicate bonnets, too soon, alas ! 
 to be ruined beyond tlie hopes of patching up or 
 turning; silken dresses, that a few seconds in 
 the open air would mark with rain drops, till 
 they should rival in stains the late lamented Mr. 
 Eichardson's spotted boy. 
 
 The journey down to Bishop's Stortford was 
 an uninteresting one, for the magnificent moun- 
 tain scenery, if any, was hidden behind the heavy 
 rain. If, however, it was very miserable without, 
 it was very merry within the carriages ; for every- 
 body was full of noble sentiments and unbosomed 
 themselves. 
 
 In those compartments where there were ladies, 
 the Dunmow Flitch furnished ample materials 
 for desperate flirtations, which were carried on 
 with considerable warmth and effect, despite the 
 early hour. Where only gentlemen were together, 
 strangers offered each other cigars, and those 
 who did not smoke, made no objection to it, and 
 coughed as seldom as possible. There was no 
 quarrelling, grumbling, or swearing, for every 
 one was under the beneficent influence of the 
 breakfast bacon, and consequently mild.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 225 
 
 On arriving at Bishop's Stortford, the troubles 
 began. That place is nine miles distant from 
 Dunmow, and, in order to get over the gromid, 
 a number of fashionable furniture vans, and 
 elegant carriers' waggons, with pretty tarpauling 
 coverings, had been provided by one Patmore, 
 the refined landlord of the Eailway Inn. 
 
 When the people saw these pleasant though 
 ponderous vehicles, with their intelligent though 
 heavy cart-horses, they were astonished; when 
 they were informed that they must clamber up 
 over the muddy wheels, and take their seats 
 inside, on the wet deal planks — they were dis- 
 gusted ; but when, after keeping them waiting 
 for half an hour, Mr. Patmore in person came 
 round for the monej^ and, charging a prepos- 
 terous price, told them that, without pre-payment, 
 the driver had orders not to move, then, and 
 not until then, the indignation of the thirty 
 insides knew no bounds (excepting those neces- 
 sary for jumping out of the waggon), and, in a 
 body, they quitted their now dried seats. 
 
 At this critical moment, a good and upright 
 man of the name of Sheldrake came to our aid, 
 
 VOL. I. Q
 
 2^G FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the owner of an open cart and fast trotting 
 mare. 
 
 When we reached Dunmow, we found the 
 streets filled with crowds of visitors. Carts and 
 vans, covered over with boughs, were driving 
 into the town ; men with trucks of strawberries, 
 and barrows of oysters (love's side-dishes), were 
 hurrjing to the fair held on the green ; and foot 
 passengers innumerable were besieging the dif- 
 ferent public houses to propose healths. The 
 proprietor of the inn where that excellent mortal. 
 Sheldrake, put up his mare, exclaimed aloud, 
 that the wet "had played the deuce with we ; " 
 but he was ungrateful to grumble, for his cus- 
 tomers protested that his ale was bad, and yet 
 his house was full. 
 
 Outside the Town Hall there was a mob of 
 several hundred persons. The shops around 
 were all closed, but the windows were wide 
 open, and filled with sight-seers. 
 
 The Saracen's Head Commercial Inn had 
 bonnets thrust out of every available opening. 
 On the roof of the houses in front, young gentle- 
 men were clambering over the tiles, evidently as
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 227 
 
 mucli delighted with the luxury of getting wet 
 through as with the view they obtained of the 
 soaking populace. 
 
 There were drays, waggons, and carriages of 
 all sorts ranged at the corners of the streets to 
 see the procession pass. Somebody had driven 
 up with post-horses, and the postilion in his 
 blue jacket was enduring the pelting shower with 
 a resignation that would have to be dearly paid 
 for in the reckoning. 
 
 There were gigs, with their aprons closely 
 buttoned up and the big umbrellas mounted 
 like Covent Garden tents, and carts with the 
 drivers wearing sacks over their heads, arranged 
 like the cahans of the Bedouin Arabs. Those 
 on foot were principally countrymen, bachelors 
 and farmers. 
 
 The most numerous costume was the green 
 smock-frock, with highly-embroidered shoulder 
 and breast piece, which imparted to the wearer 
 somewhat the appearance of a fine thick-set girl 
 in a pin-a'fore, with her sash untied. 
 
 Forcing our way through the wet and silent 
 crowd, we gained the entrance to the Hall. Here 
 
 Q 2
 
 228 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 we found, sus2:)ended from blue frames, the two 
 flitches — the prize pork of virtue. They had 
 wreaths of artificial flowers twined round them; 
 and, as we gazed upon them, we could not help 
 thinking that by the time the loving couples had 
 managed to devour all that bacon, they would be 
 rather tired of it. 
 
 It was two o'clock, and the hall was nearly 
 filled, the greater portion of the audience being 
 ladies. We felt grateful for being under shelter 
 from the rain, which was beating like small shot 
 against the bay window. 
 
 It was a little pill-box of a place, scarcely 
 larger than a parish school-room, with white 
 cement walls, oak-painted cross-beams to support 
 the slanting roof, and a little gallery on one side, 
 about the size of an omnibus. In a corner had 
 been erected a green baize jury-box, railed in 
 with the white wands and flower-baskets after- 
 wards to be used in the procession. 
 
 A president's chair and table for counsel had 
 also been squeezed into the smallest possible 
 space against the wall. 
 
 The jury of virgins and bachelors had already
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 229 
 
 taken their places, and of course we made it 
 our first duty to examine them minutely. The 
 bachelors we dismiss in a line, — they had their 
 best clothes on, and had greased their hair with 
 great liberality and ostentation, due care being 
 bestowed on the curl that rested — round as an 
 eyeglass — in the centre of the forehead. 
 
 But the virgins ! It would take a volume to 
 describe them properly — their eyes alone would 
 require an entire chapter, with numerous coloured 
 illustrations. Somebody told us that they, all 
 of them, resided at Dunmow. Why did they 
 hide themselves so far away from London? Why 
 should they live in a place forty miles off, with 
 expensive railway fares to and fro ? 
 
 Three of the virgins had light hair, varying in 
 tint from a bright amber to a deep rich Margate 
 slipper. They wore their hair brushed back from 
 the forehead, with the loose twisting curls 
 gathered together in a round cushion that en- 
 circled the head like a glory of gold. Their eye- 
 lids were delicate and transparent as rose leaves, 
 their mouths were only just large enough for 
 mince meat to pass through, and to this dsiy, it
 
 230 FACES FOn FORTUNES. 
 
 appears to us a miracle liow they managed to 
 breathe down their wonderfully minute noses. 
 The other three young ladies were brunettes. 
 
 Our admiration of the virgins never ceased 
 until Mr. E. T. Smith's bass voice— he was in 
 excellent health — announced the arrival of the 
 Court and Counsel. 
 
 Then we tore our eyes away from the lovely 
 jury like a half-stuck postage-stamp from a 
 letter (affecting the head), and looked round 
 the room to compose ourselves. All the other 
 ladies in the hall had mounted on chairs and 
 benches, to have a good look at the president. 
 The bay window was crowded with oval faces 
 and slender figures, and, in the gallery above, 
 the delicate forms bent forward, and up went 
 their eyeglasses like guns. 
 
 " We have met," said Mr. Ainsworth, in his 
 opening address, " to revive the time-honoured 
 custom of the Flitch of Bacon." He then pro- 
 ceeded to give a rapid historical account of the 
 curious usage, how it was originated in the 12th 
 century, and must therefore be 700 years old. 
 He mixed the Knight Templars up with the
 
 FACES FOR FOUTUNES. 231 
 
 custom, and made France and Germany come 
 forward and bear witness to the truth of his 
 historical assertions. Such a custom, so pecu- 
 liar, so jocular, ought, he declared, to be upheld; 
 and he gave a thousand and one very excellent 
 reasons to show he was in the right. Besides 
 all this, he proved that there was a gateway in 
 Austria, over which was written, 
 
 ** If there be found a married man, 
 Who will declare, if he can. 
 That he doth not marriage rue, 
 Nor have for wife a shrew, 
 He may this bacon down hew." 
 
 Nobody seemed inclined to doubt the learned pre- 
 sident's facts, so he sat down into his comfortable 
 chair again ; and then Mr. Eobert Bell, the 
 Counsel for the claimants, obliged with a speech. 
 Mr. Bell had no sooner commenced speaking, 
 than we found he was over in France, in the 
 midst of the Courts of Love. He insisted that 
 these ordeals were very similar to the Dunmow 
 custom, and that therefore the Flitch of Bacon 
 ought not to be neglected. He often referred to 
 ** the bright eyes and happy mouths " around 
 him, and made many pointed allusions to the
 
 232 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 fair inhabitants of Dunmow, wliicli Avere loudly 
 applauded. 
 
 Mr. Costello, the Counsel for the Court, then 
 rose, and spoke a great deal of valuable and 
 interesting matter, which, unfortunately, we were 
 unable to listen to, owning to a young lady with 
 a lace bonnet and violet strings, suddenly rising 
 up on her chair, and petrifying us with her 
 amazing beauty. 
 
 The business of the Court then commenced. 
 The jury answered to their names, and with 
 breathless interest we listened to six out of the 
 twelve responses. The virgin with the amber- 
 coloured hair was a Miss Lydia Collis, the 
 Margate-slipper beauty was a Miss Emily Eich- 
 mond, and one of the brunettes answered to the 
 name of Caroline Bostock. But, alas ! where 
 were their addresses ? 
 
 One of the virgins, mistaking the nature of the 
 ceremony, and no doubt fancying herself before 
 the altar instead of in a packed jury, replied, 
 in a firm voice, "I will." There was a roar of 
 laughter, in which all joined excepting ourself. 
 
 The counsel for the claimants then ordered
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 233 
 
 Mr. James Barlow to step into the witness box, 
 and prove his title to the prize in open court. 
 
 In answer to the various questions, Mr. Barlow 
 said : He began life as a servant; was four years 
 in service as a kind of general servant, footman, 
 coachman, gardener, and errand-boy (laughter) — 
 a kind of factotum, in truth. (Renewed laughter.) 
 He was by trade a bricklayer and builder, and 
 felt satisfied with his condition. He was ac- 
 quainted with his wife for four years before he 
 married her. Fell in love with her. All their 
 courtship w^as carried on by letter; she was 100 
 miles away. Was not particularly favoured by 
 the sex, but believed he might have had others. 
 (Cheering.) Had never heard of the sympa- 
 thetic powder which made people fall in love. 
 Had no need of any, and did not use anj^ Never 
 had a quarrel with Mrs. Barlow — decidedly not. 
 Never differed on any matrimonial point from 
 Mrs. Barlow ; for instance, if, when taking tea 
 his wife said, '' James, you ve had three cups," 
 he replied, " Very well, my dear." (Laughter.) 
 Never had any occasion to quarrel about the 
 colour of a new dress for his wife: she always
 
 234 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 bought her own things, and what pleased her 
 dehghted him. (Cheers from the ladies.) Had 
 never regretted his marriage ; his only sorrow 
 was, that the years had flown away so quickly. 
 (Ironical cheers from a demon in the gallery.) 
 
 Cross-examined hy Mr. Costello. — Chipping 
 Ongar was fourteen miles from Dunmow. They 
 had come over in a public vehicle — came witli 
 friends. Didn't get up remarkably early — 
 indeed he never got up early. He was quite 
 ready to start. Didn't keep Mrs. Barlow waiting. 
 If he hadn't been ready, his wife would only 
 have said, " James, don't hurry yourself." Of 
 the two, his wife was ready the first. Was not 
 delayed by any domestic arrangement. Would 
 take his solemn oath he wasn't. No, the keys 
 w^ere not mislaid — certainly not. He had no 
 pecuniary or personal object in view in claiming 
 the flitch. Was not going to sell it again. For 
 himself, he was not over fond of bacon. Dare 
 say Mrs. Barlow enjoyed a slice occasionally; 
 but he never asked how she liked it done, but 
 thought it was with peas. (Cheers.) Yes, he 
 often carried an umbrella; but it was never
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. ^ 235 
 
 mislaid. Mrs. Barlow always put everything 
 again in the right place. (Applause from se- 
 veral old gentlemen.) Usually kept his temper 
 with everybody; but, perhaps, — he might occa- 
 sionally — 
 
 Mr. Bell. — I object to the course of cross- 
 examination my learned friend is pursuing. It 
 has nothing to do with my client's married life. 
 
 Mr. Costello appealed to the Court ; but his 
 Lordship decided in favour of the objection. 
 
 Cross-examination continued. — Mrs. Barlow 
 was in the habit of doing up her back hair at 
 night. 
 
 Mr. Bell remarked that the last question was 
 a very serious one. Many ladies wore streamers 
 in their back hair, called in his part of the 
 country '' heart crushers." 
 
 Cross-examination continued. — He was aware 
 that last winter was a severe one. Sometimes he 
 was first to get into bed, and sometimes Mrs. 
 Barlow was. If he had to warm her place 
 for her, he never grumbled. She often warmed 
 his. 
 
 Mrs. Barlow was next called, and entered the
 
 236 FACES FOR FOllTUNES. 
 
 witness-box all smiles and blushes. She is con- 
 siderably younger than her husband. She stated 
 that her husband first fell in love with her. Had 
 no secrets from him. He was generally of a 
 lively temper — at least with her. 
 
 Cross-examined. — Was fond of neatness, and 
 liked the house to be clean ; but Barlow never 
 came into the rooms with muddy boots. If he 
 did, it wouldn't matter. (Applause from the 
 gentlemen.) Never remembered him to have 
 spilt grav}^ or wdne on a clean table-cloth. 
 Their chimneys at home did occasionally smoke. 
 Never asked Barlow to alter them, not because 
 she did not admire his building abilities, but 
 because she did not like to trouble him. Mr. 
 Barlow had corns, but when he suffered he never 
 displayed temper. He bore corns with the for- 
 titude of a saint. (Applause.) 
 
 Miss Mary Ann Clarke, the first witness, 
 deposed.— Had known Mr. and Mrs. Barlow for 
 fifteen years. Often saw them at home, and had 
 many opportunities of watching them. They 
 were a very happy couple, and she never heard 
 them say an angry word. Had never dined with
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 237 
 
 them, but frequently tea'd. Had never had any 
 bacon at Mr. Barlow's, but hoped she would now. 
 (Laughter.) 
 
 Cross- examined. — Had frequentl}^ seen Mrs. 
 Barlow wearing a new bonnet, but had never 
 heard that it was the result of a compromised 
 quarrel. Mrs. Barlow always bought her own 
 bonnets, and as many as she wanted. 
 
 Mr. "William Nicholas, the next witness, then 
 stepped forward. — Had been twelve years the 
 governor of Ongar Union, and had known the 
 Barlows for ten years. Barlow bore prosperity 
 well, and wasn't lifted high above his fellows in 
 consequence. Had seen Barlow under convivial 
 circumstances, when taking his glass. He knew 
 exactly what point to drink up to. At such 
 moments Barlow unbended himself. Never 
 saw him the worse for liquor. They were a 
 very happy couple. 
 
 Cross- examined. — Didn't think he had played 
 a game of whist at Mr. Barlow's house ; but 
 would swear he had " speculution." Had seen 
 Mr. and Mrs. Barlow play whist with others ; 
 they were always partners. If Mrs. Barlow
 
 238 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 trumped her liusband's best card, he kept his 
 temper. Never saw a suspicious-looking stick 
 hanging up behind the door. 
 
 This concluded the case for and against the 
 couple. The question was then put to the jury, 
 whether the Barlows were entitled to the bacon 
 — when an instantaneous verdict of " O yes, of 
 course/^ " I think so," and " Certainly," was 
 given in their favour. For three minutes the 
 hall rang with applause and laughter. 
 
 The same formalities were then gone through 
 with M. Chatelain and his lady. 
 
 The Chevalier said, *' He was a French jontle- 
 mon, and was married at St. Pancrarce surch in 
 London. It was varree stupeed to say literaree 
 ladees make bad wife. His was a loave match, 
 certanlee. He admired beautifool ladees evaree 
 wheare. Generallee evaree ladee was an object 
 of his admeerarseon, as evaree tree and bierd was 
 also an object of his admeerarseon." 
 
 Now that the examinations were over, we 
 hurried into the open air, and looked for a good 
 place for enjoying the gorgeous procession. We 
 were delighted to find that the sun was shining
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 239 
 
 in full force, dicing the mob and tlie dirty roads 
 with equal success. In a short time the show 
 was in motion. 
 
 First of all came the police, clearing the road 
 by splashing boldly through the puddles. Then 
 followed a Grand Marshal in black velvet and 
 gold lace. Next came yeomen on cream, spotted, 
 and piebald horses. To give a pleasing sentiment 
 to the pageant, ladies passed carrjdng garlands 
 of artificial flowers, the same that had been so 
 often successful in rendering the Drury Lane 
 ballets attractive. Gentlemen and ladies from 
 Mr. Smith's circus lent effect to the scene, by the 
 variety and mysteriousness of their costumes. 
 The jury were seated in a carriage driven by 
 a charioteer in a chintz dressing-gown. Four 
 gentlemen with wands imparted a fairy-like 
 sprightHness to the troupe. The private carriage 
 with the desponding post-boy, whose spirits had 
 been damped by the morning's rain, we now dis- 
 covered to belong to Mr. Ainsworth. 
 
 As he passed along, the multitude roared out 
 their admiration, and raised forlorn hopes in 
 the minds of the rain-stained horses, that they
 
 240 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 might be removed from the traces, and the people 
 harness themselves to the vehicle and pull it 
 along in their stead. 
 
 The Flitches of Bacon were carried proudly- 
 past, swinging heavity from their iron hooks, and 
 making the backs of the four (ham and) beef- 
 eaters who carried them, ache with their wabbling 
 weights. 
 
 The happy couples — seated on chairs, and 
 borne on the shoulders of fantastically-dressed 
 foresters — attracted admiration as they clung 
 with a nervous clutch to the wooden sides of 
 their perilous thrones. 
 
 There were two bands, both in eccentric cos- 
 tumes, who blew vigorously down their wind 
 instruments, and seemed to be playing a wind 
 match, rather than music. Gigs, carts, vans, 
 farmers on horseback, peasants and populace on 
 foot, closed the long line of the procession. 
 
 The oath was to have been administered on 
 the green, but the rush of spectators was so 
 great, that the onl}^ oath we were enabled to 
 hear, was from a gentleman who had his coat 
 torn off his back.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 241 
 
 The eJffect of a crisp highly- starched muslin 
 dress upon a man of quick emotions is rapid and 
 startling. The first impulse is to crush it be- 
 tween the arms, and crumple it up like a silver- 
 paper balloon ; but such desires cannot be in- 
 dulged without the excuse of an affectionate 
 embrace sanctioned by the parents of the young 
 lady. 
 
 Is it not beautiful to gaze on the female form, 
 clouded in fluttering gauze, and floating over the 
 ground white and aerial as a puff of steam? 
 Through the transparent skirt the embroidered 
 petticoat displays its costly work, and the ma- 
 chinery of the little feet may be watched as 
 under a glass-case, with increasing interest. The 
 shoulders are seen through the slight haze of the 
 bodice, and they are delicately fair. 
 
 The second impulse with men of fine percep- 
 tions is to pat the half-revealed back. This, like 
 the other indulgence, can only be enjoyed after- 
 the formalities of a proposal. It is the reward 
 of virtue, and encourages nobility of mind. 
 
 There have been instances of demons in
 
 242 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 human form who became so enraged at the 
 sight of a muslin dress that they woukl de- 
 liberately place their foot on the skirt and try 
 to tear it. Such a villain was the late Mr. 
 Arper. 
 
 The fiendish expression of his eyes, when he 
 heard the rent, is said to have suggested to Mr. 
 Flaxman, the sculptor, his grand idea of the 
 fallen angel. The artist persuaded Mr. Arper 
 to sit to him, and as the work proceeded an 
 assistant in the back room was constantly tearing 
 up muslin. 
 
 June is the month for wearing fine clothes, for 
 it abounds in choice opportunities for letting the 
 world see how deeply you have studied the effects 
 of colour, as exhibited in the dress-painting of 
 the human form. Fine feathers help fine birds. 
 There is no instance on record of a girl having 
 been despised for dressing tastefully, and even if 
 there were, what should we care for such a dis- 
 gusting precedent ? 
 
 That great and good man, the lamented Mar- 
 quis D'Opquins (who invented a pomatum) would 
 frequently observe, — *' I like a showy dresser,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 243 
 
 Ji good dresser with all her silk spread out — I 
 worship it ! " 
 
 Such an opinion is particularly worth record- 
 ing when we remember that the nobleman who 
 delivered it was, as a youth, first page of the 
 Backstairs to the gorgeous Prince Eegent, and 
 had frequently assisted his Highness to lace his 
 royal stays. 
 
 Let us suppose the case of a young and im- 
 pulsive girl, wealthy, tasteful, and extravagant. 
 How joyfully must she hail the approach of June ! 
 She is to be presented at Court ! 
 
 She has determined that the June Drawing- 
 room, the best in the year, shall be the scene of 
 her agitation and splendour. For months she 
 has been preparing for this great event. The 
 train is of satin dore^ the colour rose des Alpes, 
 relieved with i:>laques hrandebourgs and chenille. 
 A few bandeaux houff antes and the indispensable 
 plumes adorn her fine head. Around her neck 
 rests a necklace of diamonds, the smallest of 
 which would make a burglar happy. 
 
 The carriage is at the door ; the countess, her 
 
 aunt, is patiently waiting for her ; and Belgrave 
 
 E 2
 
 244 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Square falls back in admiration as three do- 
 mestics follow the resplendent creature to the 
 vehicle, carrying the glittering train piled up on 
 the largest tea-tray. 
 
 As the brougham rattles along the streets, the 
 foot-passengers stare excitedly, and notice that 
 it is filled with a mass of foaming lace and glim- 
 mering satin, from which emerge the white necks 
 and lovely faces of two splendid creatures — the 
 one advanced in 'years but very delicious, the 
 other at her tenderest period and intoxicating. 
 
 At last St. James's Palace is reached, and in 
 time they are among the maddening mob of 
 beauty and refined toilets. They ascend the 
 grand staircase, and find the blood of England 
 assembled to welcome them. 
 
 " Who is that fine girl ? " inquires the hero of 
 fifty pitched battles, trembling for the first time 
 in his life. 
 
 " Heavens ! how lovely ! '^ exclaims a renowned 
 statesman — a man who has defied united Europe, 
 now meek as a parish orphan. 
 
 The splendour of her train attracts the notice 
 of the lords in waiting, the grooms in waiting, the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 245 
 
 extra grooms in waiting, and the masters of the 
 ceremonies. As its graceful owner pulls it after 
 her, kindly rods in office direct its progress, and 
 the ladies of the bedchamber, the extra women 
 of the bedchamber, and the women of the extra 
 bedchamber deliver themselves up to ungovern- 
 able envy. 
 
 When at last the royal hand is kissed, every- 
 body around the throne remarks that her Majesty 
 trembled violently, and was much moved, and 
 wasn't comfortable until she had sighed pro- 
 foundly. 
 
 Such is the power of beauty, that even royalty 
 submits to its influence — especially George IV. 
 
 The glorious day ended, the young and im- 
 pulsive girl returns to her home, and feels, as 
 her maid relieves her of her train, that her am- 
 bition has been indulged, and the world is very 
 beautiful and capitally designed, despite the ex- 
 orbitant price charged for lace and the barefaced 
 extras of the court milliner. 
 
 To mention the numerous instances of girls 
 who have received oifers of marriage after pre- 
 sentation would be to suppose that the world
 
 246 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 has been asleep, and never noticed the agreeable 
 incidents of life. The question is, what man of 
 taste and pretension to refinement would think 
 of choosing for a life-companion any young lady 
 who had not visited St. James's fascinating Draw- 
 ing-room. 
 
 Without it, beauty, fame, and virtue are value- 
 less in the eyes of " ton,'' — indeed, as Sir Frank 
 Harmstrong cleverly remarked, no education is 
 perfect unless the divine one can read, write, 
 and has been presented at court. Oh, girls of 
 England, look to this ! 
 
 Count Arlkin, the famous Dutchman, who had 
 a distinct pair of trousers for every day in the 
 year, fell so frightfully in love with a lady he 
 saw at a Drawing-room, that he was raving mad 
 for nearly a week, and insisted on eating ostrich- 
 feathers. 
 
 He would have perished, if his physician had 
 not hit upon the ingenious device of first steeping 
 them in pale brandy. 
 
 On his recovery, the lady consented to soothe 
 his sorrows ; and, to reward her self-sacrifice, he 
 presented her with a deed of gift, which conveyed
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 247 
 
 to her in her own right, and to her descendants 
 for ever, seven hundred windmills. 
 
 A clever young poet, by trade a mason, com- 
 menced one of his most popular odes (" To Con- 
 tentment ") with these remarkable words, " I 
 never had a five-pound note." After this most 
 imprudent cash statement the bard, instead of 
 yielding to despondency, actually revels in his 
 small balance, and openly avows his contempt 
 for wealth and the wealthy. 
 
 A poet more ridiculous it is difficult to ima- 
 gine. If, as his own unsolicited confession 
 plainly informs us, he had never been possessed 
 of even so ridiculously small a sum as five 
 pounds, surely he ought to be the very last 
 person who should dare to offer his opinion as 
 to the debasing influence of ten thousand a j^ear. 
 As well might some ragged tramp munching a 
 mouldy crust inveigh against the pleasures of 
 side-dishes and lift up his voice in praise of 
 cold potatoes. Considered as an ode, that ode 
 " To Contentment " is the most discontented 
 piece of contentment that ever appeared in print.
 
 248 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Why poets should feel such extreme disgust 
 for wealth is a mystery which no stockbroker 
 can explain. And, oddly enough, it is not so 
 much their own cash which seems to ferment 
 their venom ; but it is the sight of other people's 
 full purses, and other people enjoying them. 
 
 So long as your bard is gazing on a violet 
 or toying with a rose his soul expands with 
 beatitude, and he is delicious to observe; but 
 the instant a roll of bank-notes meets his eye 
 it dilates with frenzy, and he will abuse the 
 currency shamefully. Nay, so rabid are these 
 poets in their loathing of good money, that tliey 
 will not admit any owner thereof to be an honest 
 man; and, when imagining their heroes, they 
 prefer to select some unfortunate creature who 
 trembles when his washerwoman is out of 
 temper. 
 
 AVe once knew a poet who was such a power- 
 ful hater that it was quite unpleasant to be fa- 
 voured with his society. We have known that 
 very poet to insult, in the presence of a crowded 
 chophouse (the Cheshire Cheese) as respectable 
 an old gentleman as anybody could wish to see,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 249 
 
 calling him a licentious wretch battening on 
 Nature's loveliest gifts, merely because the 
 worthy creature had ordered a dish of early 
 peas. 
 
 Decidedly this poet's most popular, and 
 most cr^iing, satire was inspired by the pro- 
 prietor of a cobbler's shop, who, without thinking 
 of what he was doing, sent in his little bill 
 for repairs. 
 
 One very hot summer he offered up a vow 
 that he would revel in the warm heart-blood of 
 the head cashier at the Westminster Bank. 
 
 Yet this strange impulsive creature was do- 
 tingly attached to a white mouse and several 
 spiders. 
 
 Another bard, whom we never wish to meet 
 again, lived on boiled rice for so prolonged a 
 period that his brain was ultimately affected, 
 and he " cast away from his love " his own bro- 
 ther because he imprudently changed a sovereign 
 in his presence. The poet insisted that it was a 
 premeditated insult. 
 
 There are, alas ! many, too many, excuses to 
 be made for the poor poet, and let us be cha-
 
 250 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 ritable and make them. Imagine, then, an 
 imaginative creature, all soul, with a furiously 
 palpitating brain and senses so acute that no 
 luxury can be too delicate for their enjoyment, 
 imagine such a high-minded prodigy gazing on 
 fourpence and wondering where he shall dine. 
 
 Perhaps one hour since he was describing the 
 feast of LucuUus or sipping nectar on Olympus, 
 and now he must fall back to reality and jingle 
 his half pence for a meal. How is it possible 
 for him to love his brother man carving, let us 
 say, a duck, and perhaps not hungry — a low, 
 vulgar monster who sips his choice claret with 
 as dull a face as though he tippled table beer ? 
 
 Were it but the poor poet's lot to plunge the 
 two-pronged fork into the plump breast of that 
 well-browned bird, what bright fancies, what 
 chaste conceits would have filled his mind whilst 
 lifting the luscious slices to his plate ! He would 
 have written a poem in praise of that happy, 
 tender duck. Each particular flavour would have 
 been rewarded with a stanza. In gratitude for 
 that great enjoyment he might have forgiven the 
 world its persecutions.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 251 
 
 As for the wine, it would have lingered in his 
 mouth as long as dear friends parting. 
 
 Each drop would be forced to yield up its fra- 
 grance before the farewell swallow; and when 
 the brain felt the gentle fillip of the grape-juice 
 warming the cheeks and lighting up the eye, 
 perhaps that poet, so bitter on fourpence, might 
 have softened on Larose, and, holding the glass 
 up to Nature, he might have re-loved his fellow- 
 man and pardoned him his neglect. 
 
 But on fourpence ! How can the big-brained 
 man forgive the low wretch who wants not the 
 duck, yet eats it — who knows not the delicate 
 rapture of the claret, yet consumes it ? 
 
 Thus runs the law — the creature of high im- 
 pulse and refined perceptions must feed his life 
 with dry bread and yet dream of venison. His 
 scanty dinner over, his stomach, as though in- 
 sulted by such small supplies, feels like a yawn- 
 ing gulf into which one stone has fallen. As 
 he goes his way he passes the houses of the rich 
 and sniffs the perfume of a thousand dishes. 
 Through the illumined windows he perceives the 
 shadows of forms bending over their plates, he
 
 252 FACES FOTl FORTUNES. 
 
 hears the clatter of knives — and anon the up- 
 raised elbow tells its tale of perfumed sips. 
 
 Everybody seems to live better than the poet, 
 who better than all understands good living. A 
 pastrj^cook, in calico cap and coat, balancing with 
 dextrous grace the ice pudding congealed in cool 
 green box, glides ghostlike down the area steps. 
 Even to gaze on such a delicacy would cheer his 
 drooping heart. The very servants, who cannot 
 write, who cannot spell, and hate grammar, may 
 touch that lovely dish ; they may eat of the good 
 things that come down from the rich man's table; 
 but he of the lofty mind and giant genius must 
 dine on fourpence ! He shakes the dust from 
 his feet, sighs, and rushes home to write another 
 satire. 
 
 Many a time have we thought, earnestly, of 
 getting up a charitable society for the purpose 
 of humanising poets, through the medium of one 
 plain joint with bread and vegetables. The three 
 or four philanthropists to whom we have spoken 
 of this notion have fully appreciated the value 
 of the idea and the truthfulness of the theory ; 
 but an insurmountable difficulty has ever checked
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 253 
 
 the development of the scheme. If every i3oet 
 were to be entitled to a dinner, we should require 
 Westminster Hall for our eating-room. Poets 
 would spring up on every side. It would be a 
 glut, a deluge, of Anons and Ibids. Newgate 
 market would scarcely suffice for our humanising 
 larder, and Covent Garden, reduced to its last 
 potato, would have to offer to the verse-writers 
 an emptj^ vegetable dish and an allusion to bay- 
 leaves. 
 
 Nothing is more fashionable in high class 
 drawing-rooms than the presence of a poet. To 
 create a sensation he should be thin and look 
 hungry. When you converse about him, and 
 point him out to your friends, always talk in 
 whispers, and stare unmistakeably in the direc- 
 tion of the gifted mortal. Hint that he is con- 
 sumptive. Suggest that he is expected to commit 
 suicide shortly. 
 
 The talented Lady Fish, who for a year led 
 the City fashions during the mayoralty of her 
 brother, my Lord Finney, was often heard to 
 assert that June was the proper month for show- 
 ing poets in perfection. She ascribed this to
 
 254 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the warmth of the atmosphere, enahling them to 
 dispense with the expense of firing and their 
 consequent elation of animal spirits. She was 
 the happy medium of ensuring luxury to a bright 
 mind, the author of many works that ought to 
 have been published. This is the stor3^ 
 
 Alonzo Lee from his earliest childhood had 
 revelled in the beautiful, and after business 
 hours communed with Nature, seeking only the 
 elevated, the good, and the great. His proud 
 heart, sickened to loathing by the duplicity and 
 baseness of man, turned in disgust from the busy 
 throngs of the City, and sought for purity and 
 love amid the flowery meads and cool grots of 
 the agricultural districts, v/here he held a situa- 
 tion as second clerk to a cheese-and-bacon factor. 
 
 To gaze with fond eyes on the simple daisy 
 and Yv-ater it with his tears, to pour forth his 
 impassioned soul over the king-cup and press 
 it to his heart, was the chief enjoyment of his 
 blameless spare time. " They at least do not 
 deceive," he would affectionately exclaim, remem- 
 bering perhaps some meanness either of the 
 tyrant factor or his servile warehousemen ; and
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 255 
 
 then, pulling forth his rhj^ming dictionary, he 
 would compose a sonnet of exquisite beauty. 
 
 Before he had attained the age of twentj^-three 
 he had written upwards of thirty poems in praise 
 of daisies, all of them different and set to popular 
 tunes. He had vowed in his heart that he would 
 also compose an equal number of verses in honor 
 of the lovely king-cup, when an event happened 
 which entirely disarranged the flow of his ideas, 
 and by depriving him of his situation, obliged 
 him to turn his thoughts to those vulgar neces- 
 sities of life which have ever hampered the career 
 of genius — need we mention a moderate supply 
 of provisions and furnished lodgings. 
 
 Unfortunate Alonzo ! in a moment of mental 
 absence caused b}^ an absurd, though enthusi- 
 astic, attempt to discover a rhyme to " silver," 
 he had omitted to enclose a receipted invoice 
 to one of the first cheese firms in Derby, and 
 had in its stead forwarded his last address to 
 a daisy, a lovely thing, but entirely unbusiness- 
 like, and highly unsatisfactory as an acknowledg- 
 ment for a cash payment. 
 
 The head of the Derby cheese firm had a
 
 256 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 daughter blessed with a mind of great vigour 
 and originality of deep sentiment. She was her- 
 self an authoress of no mean powers, though her 
 forte did not lie so much in extolling the beau- 
 ties of the flowers of the field as in loving her 
 fellow-beings, both male and female, or any 
 article of furniture or wearing apparel which 
 struck her as being poetically interesting through 
 the sympathy she felt for the beloved friends who 
 owned the property. 
 
 The instant she heard her revered parent 
 narrate the romantic incident of the missing 
 invoice, and the duly coming to hand of an 
 Address to a Daisy, the earnest and gentle Miss 
 Putian besought with tearful eyes that she might 
 be favoured with a perusal of the unexpected 
 effusion. From that moment the enraptured 
 girl felt that her heart was another's. She 
 recognized the thrill which, in superior tem- 
 peraments, always accompanies the decrees of 
 destiny. 
 
 Before she retired to rest on her virtuous 
 couch, she that night, by the light of her cham- 
 ber candle, composed and elegantly copied out,
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 257 
 
 free from corrections, a soothing address, re- 
 monstrating against the envious fate which had 
 crushed the poet^s soul and future prospects, 
 and, brave beyond prudence, she the next day 
 forwarded it to the warehouse of the tyrant 
 bacon factor who, with more honesty than might 
 have been expected from so harsh a nature, 
 at once delivered it over to the astonished 
 Alonzo Lee. 
 
 He, in his turn, now yielded up his soul to 
 rapture. At length he was appreciated — a kin- 
 dred mind had sympathized with his life-rending 
 anguish ; a distant heart had palpitated with 
 admiring commiseration ; the cord of soothing 
 pity had vibrated. 
 
 He pressed to his lips the cherished writing, 
 and observing at the end of the last stanza that 
 the tender-hearted authoress had signed herself 
 as Lilly p * * * he thus addressed the half- 
 revealed name : — " Hear me, Lilly p * * * 
 Thus do I swear ! Thou art, and shalt be mine, 
 chaste maiden! My sheltering heart shall be 
 thy home ! With my purest aspirations will I 
 feed thy love ! " 
 
 VOL. I. S
 
 258 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 That night the emotional Alonzo knew little 
 sleep. He sat up far into the night inditing 
 his poetic reply to his unknown admirer, in 
 which — for the moon was shining — he often 
 likened her to Luna's silvery ray illumining his 
 poor cot, and he further bade her come to his 
 arms and kiss his aching brow, a request which, 
 as he unfortunately was not acquainted with the 
 maiden's correct address, the fair Lilly was un- 
 able to comply with. 
 
 Years have rolled by, seasons have come and 
 then gone again, the hot and the cold, the mild 
 and the boisterous all in appointed order, quite 
 correctly; days of grief and days of joy have ruled 
 each for their allotted hours with punctuality, and 
 the dead have been gathered in. The head of the 
 Derby firm, the prosperous merchant for whom 
 countless cows were made to deliver up their 
 daily cheese, is now a decayed mouldy corse. 
 His daughter, the amiable, tender-hearted Lilly 
 Putian, has become wealthy beyond belief. 
 Lovers gather round her and whisper admira- 
 tion into the small ears where the diamond ear-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 259 
 
 rings glitter, but they depart without the encou- 
 ragement of even a slanting glance from the 
 admired and courted heiress. She is staying 
 during the fashionable London season with her 
 esteemed friend, Lady Fish, and enjoying the 
 princely hospitalities of the Mansion House. But 
 turtle and venison have no charms for her, for 
 she has never ceased to remember her cherished 
 Alonzo — the unseen, yet beloved, the ideal man, 
 the imaginary master mind of her day dreams ! 
 
 And he, the poet, where is he ? Scantily 
 clothed in a suit once black, arrayed in a shirt 
 once white, he still courts the muses in his 
 windy garret, so poor that he gazes hungrily 
 at the very sparrows twittering on the roofs. 
 He is composing another poem to his worshipped 
 Lilly P. — the spirit ! the fairy of his heated 
 fancy ! the myth ! His worn pen moistened 
 with ink too often diluted to be much longer 
 serviceable, traces his sublime thoughts on the 
 coarse paper which had contained his last pur- 
 chase of sugar. The promptings of his genius 
 must for want of base gold, be recorded on 
 grocer's wrappers.
 
 260 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 A knock on the garret door, evidently adminis- 
 tered b}^ knuckles, demands admittance for the 
 knocker. This is most strange ! Who should 
 care to visit the poor poet ? Nevertheless, he 
 opens to the summons. He receives a letter. 
 He peruses it, and, like one transfixed, he gazes 
 upon a hank note. 
 
 It is from his Lill}^ the protecting, encourag- 
 ing, hope-giving angel ! She has, so she writes, 
 observed some sweet lines in the Halfpenny 
 Journal, and being most anxious to renew her 
 acquaintance with the talented author, she has 
 dared to disturb him in his privacy. She com- 
 mands him to array himself in splendour, such 
 as becomes a man of his attainments. Most 
 delicately she hints that he may be short of 
 ready money. He is, when arrayed in splen- 
 dour, to hasten to the palace of London's Mayor 
 and fqast. He is to mingle with the great, the 
 noble and the wealthy, and electrify them after 
 dinner by the brilliance of his animated con- 
 versation. He is to be released from poverty 
 and take his proud station in the world — that of 
 a poet in easy circumstances.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 261 
 
 Leaning with graceful confidence on the arm 
 of her worshipping Alonzo (he, with wildness in 
 his eye, but clad in garments which, thougli pur- 
 chased very recently, impart to his form an air 
 of the highest respectability; she, gazing upwards 
 with love -looks and dressed in the richest fancy 
 of fashion), they lounge through the splendid 
 apartments of the Mansion House mingling their 
 souls. " Yes, fairest lady," cries the poet, impe- 
 tuously thrusting back his long hair with a bold 
 comb-like action of his fingers, "j^es, the choicest 
 outpourings of my ghastliest soul-sighs have 
 been breathed for this entrancing meeting; my 
 sympathetic essence has ever encircled the hazy 
 image of the ideal friend who illumined my dark 
 death-thoughts ; my palpitating heart has beat 
 its quickest life-throbs when my busy brain has 
 pondered over your loved 3^et ungazed on imper- 
 sonation ! As you once observed, fairest Lilly, 
 in one of your most inspired pennings, 
 
 * To love, and yet not dare to speak, 
 teach my pining heart to break!' 
 
 1 have felt that dreadful agony, sweet one, in all 
 its impassioned bitterness."
 
 262 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 " Is it indeed so, Alonzo Lee? " she falteringly 
 replies. '' But bad you no hope ? O beautiful 
 Hope, sustaining ether of the withering heart, 
 spirit of the spiritless, strength of the strength- 
 less, delicious Hope ! Had you no hope, Alonzo 
 Lee ? Remember your own ennobling thought 
 in your intoxicating poem on seeing a daisy 
 crushed by a cart wheel — 
 
 * ReHef, alas, I cannot give, 
 
 To broken stalk and bruised leaf, 
 And yet I know 'tis sweet to live, 
 No matter time how brief.' 
 
 Surely that inspiration might have sustained your 
 wavering." 
 
 Had it not been for the abject poverty which 
 had ever delayed the worldly progress of the 
 talented Alonzo Lee, his union with his Lilly 
 Putian would probably have met with little or 
 no opposition, for his personal appearance since 
 the purchase of his dress suit, was everything that 
 the most fastidious opera check-taker could have 
 desired ; but it having transpired that the unfor- 
 tunate poet was not only completely penniless, 
 but also sliglitlv indebted wherever he had been
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 263 
 
 able to obtain credit, the relations of tlie en- 
 amoured heiress offered a resistance almost ma- 
 licious to the proposed alliance. Threats were 
 held forth which, if carried out, would have in- 
 convenienced Alonzo seriously, for his landlady 
 was certainly empowered by law to seize the 
 dress suit. 
 
 It was useless for the courageous, but gra- 
 dually sinking Lilly, to refer with conscious pride 
 to her gifted Alonzo^s noble descent : hopelessly 
 did she extol the heroic deeds of the celebrated 
 De Lee who was executed by especial order, 
 signed by his monarch, so far back as the reign 
 of Henry the Eighth ; it was in vain that with 
 sparkling eye and head erect she related the 
 thrilling adventures of the renowned Lee of Lee, 
 who, with a drawn sword, perished — nothing could 
 remove from the absent and abused lover the 
 bitter reproach of hopeless pauperism and the 
 absurd hope of his ever being able to better his 
 horrible condition. 
 
 At this exciting moment the generous Lady 
 Fish, a lady all heart, rushed to the rescue of 
 the lovers. Her ladyship, despite her noble
 
 264 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 station and aristocratic connections, had never 
 been ashamed to confess that her grandfather 
 had been one of our largest wholesale cheese 
 merchants in Shoreditch; and it may therefore 
 be easily imagined that her sympathies were en- 
 tirely with this persecuted couple, who had also, 
 in da3's past, been connected with the trade. At 
 her suggestion the album of the heartbroken 
 Lilly Putian was sent to the talented, though 
 desponding, Alonzo, and on its variously tinted 
 leaves he, by especial permission, penned several 
 of his finest efforts. On an appointed day this 
 album was returned to the fair owner, when her 
 ladyship, as if by accident, cunningl}^ intercepted 
 its delivery, and having perused the newly added 
 stanzas, pretended to be indignant at the over- 
 warmth of the effusions and, creating a great 
 confusion, instantly summoned a family meeting. 
 To this solemn conclave of uncles, aunts and 
 cousins — all prosperous people — she read aloud 
 the outpourings of the gifted Alonzo Lee. Hor- 
 ror was visible on every countenance, and three 
 cousins could not be restrained — even by the 
 presence of ladies — from using coarse language.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 265 
 
 One sweet poem commenced with these heated 
 words, " What ! hast thou kissed me thirty times ;" 
 another began with this impassioned Hne, " Cling 
 to my bosom, trembhng bride, thy arms around 
 my neck ;" a third opened with the following 
 affectionate confession, " My cheek on thine, I 
 drink thy breath/^ 
 
 The poetic high pressure of these startling 
 statements shocked and alarmed the family. An 
 aged uncle, overcome with emotion, demanded in 
 piercing accents that his stick should be placed 
 in his trembling hands ; and the first impulse of 
 the aunts w^as to prosecute the starving and 
 slandering poet for libel. But on being informed 
 that the sweet Lilly, feeling that in a week or two 
 she must certainly go mad, had determined on 
 instantly making her will, and leaving all her 
 wealth to her adored, though by them despised, 
 suitor ; and on being further threatened that in 
 the event of further opposition, the penniless 
 Alonzo had declared that for vital reasons he 
 should be forced to publish the obnoxious love 
 verses in the Halfpenny Journal, the sternness of 
 the relatives relaxed, and encouraged by the
 
 2Q(} FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 generous outspeakings of Lady Fish, an un- 
 willing consent was, after a ten hours' debate, 
 wrung from the enraged assembly. 
 
 On the day when the now radiant Alonzo Lee 
 led to the altar the recovered and sweetly smiling 
 Lilly Putian, she wore amid the orange blossoms 
 that encircled her devoted head, a small bunch 
 of daisies. No sooner was the poet aware of that 
 sweet and thoughtful compliment to his earliest 
 masterpieces, than he was remarked to tremble 
 and his lip quivered ; but speedily recovering his 
 self-command he, with a giant effort, murmured, 
 " Delicious, but unexpected ! '' and then advanced 
 boldly to the altar, and bowed three times to the 
 officiating minister. 
 
 Their first child was christened "Daisy." 
 Alonzo has never written a line since he has 
 been comfortable. 
 
 JULY. 
 
 There is a sight in London, to be seen every 
 day if you like, such as no other city in the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 267 
 
 world can equal ; a sight which (when we have 
 sufficiently recovered our self-possession and 
 elasticity of mind) fills us with a delicious glow 
 of patriotic enthusiasm. Life is so short, we 
 could not for many days together afford to miss 
 this sight ; it seems like a wicked wasting of 
 comfort to refuse the enjoyment. 
 
 On a fine bright July day, when the small 
 white clouds are floating lazily through the blue 
 sky and the sun-baked sparrows are taking their 
 baths in the puddles left by the w^atering-carts, 
 when the dogs are lapping from the cabstand 
 buckets, and you envy the enjoyment of the 
 lucky being who could catch a cold, or buy a 
 cold, or even take a chill in such a red-hot atmo- 
 sphere, walk abroad in the parks, or saunter 
 down Regent Street, or, better still, sit under the 
 shade of the broad-spreading trees in Kensing- 
 ton Gardens, and in sheer gratitude for eyesight 
 vow twopence for every blind man you may meet 
 for a month to come. 
 
 For you shall behold such a show of beautiful 
 women that if you have in your heart but the 
 smallest grain of patriotism — the mere vulgar
 
 268 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 roast beef and plum-pudding love of country — 
 you will slap your chest proudly and thank 
 Heaven you were born an Englishman. 
 
 They advance upon you from all sides, these 
 lovely faces, and in such numbers that, whilst 
 you stare in wonder at one of them, twenty of 
 equal loveliness escape unadmired. You begin 
 to wish that no foreigners were permitted in 
 England, or that a prohibitive export duty would 
 restrict all the girls to home and colonial matri- 
 mony. The notion that they will some day get 
 married is in itself a painful trial. 
 
 Somebody — the rogue — will some day be lord 
 and master over that lil}^ face with the large eyes 
 that glow with a violet light ; somebody — the 
 villain — will, with Ma and Pa^s consent, be stut- 
 tering his love nonsense to that golden hair and 
 causing that fairy form to tremble with delight. 
 Every one of these adorable creatures must, 
 sooner or later, be led into captivity and sew on 
 somebody's shirt-buttons. It is enough to make 
 au}^ man, even though he has but sufficient 
 poetry in his soul to like truffles, turn monk and 
 forswear orange -flowers, to watch this army of
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 269 
 
 angels parading before you in all the insolence 
 of conquering beauty, their bonnet-strings flut- 
 tering like the banners of the victorious, their 
 gay parasols turned against you like shields, all 
 swaddled in lace and rustling in silk or soft 
 and crushable in muslin ; to see them pass 
 and re-pass, while you calmly endure everj^ 
 pang of envy, and then, perhaps, are doomed 
 to return home and eat a mutton-chop — a 
 mutton-chop ! 
 
 In Kensington Gardens may also be seen the 
 handsomest trees and the most insignificant 
 palace in England. The trees are magnificent 
 fellows, with trunks as big round as water-butts, 
 and branches so tall that a crow perched on 
 them looks no larger than a wren. But the 
 poor palace, in its British uniform of brick red, 
 slashed with white stone *' dressings,'^ has the 
 i:)ompous melancholy look about it of a court 
 favourite out of luck, as though it w^ere mourn- 
 ing in sullen pride its desertion by royalty. 
 
 The much -to -be -pitied building began its 
 architectural existence as the comfortable man-
 
 270 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 sion of Sir Heneage Finch, a Speaker of the 
 House of Commons. It had the satisfaction 
 of seeing its owner raised to the peerage as the 
 Earl of Nottingham. Subsequently it had the 
 high honour conferred upon it of being promoted 
 by William III. to the dignity of palace, and 
 many a bouncing prince and chubby princess 
 has it had the glory of sheltering within its ver- 
 milion walls. 
 
 Now, alas ! it has sunk down to the degraded 
 position of alms-house for destitute nobility, 
 where some of the best blood in the land are 
 enabled, by gratuitous lodging, lighting, and 
 firing, to drag out a pinched existence on a couple 
 of thousands a-year. 
 
 One hundred and fifty years ago there were 
 no fashionable promenades in Kensington Gar- 
 dens. How^ society got on without them appears 
 to us — all votaries of fashion — marvellous. The 
 beautiful gravel walks, shaded by arching trees, 
 where ladies and gentlemen who lunch at four, 
 indulge in an hour^s stroll to enable them to 
 make a hearty dinner at eight, were then nothing 
 more than common grass land, very excellent
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 271 
 
 and proper for sheep and cows, but quite unfitted 
 for the enjoyment of the higher orders of the 
 animal creation, who wear 
 
 ** The silken petticoat and broidered vest." 
 
 Shortly after his accession to the throne, 
 William III. purchased from Daniel, second 
 Earl of Nottingham, his house and grounds at 
 Kensington. We are told by Evelyn that even 
 after the alterations the building had a patched 
 appearance ; " but with the gardens, however, 
 it is a very neat villa, having to it the park, and 
 a straight new way through this park." The 
 King, who was of a contented disposition, was 
 delighted with his little property of twenty-six 
 acres. He called in the gardeners, and soon had 
 the grounds laid out in long, narrow gravel 
 walks, with neat box edgings like frills on each 
 side of them ; he had the square and round beds 
 of tulips fitted into the open space as exactly as 
 compasses and rules could do it, and caused the 
 hedges to be clipped as square as stone-work, 
 and the yew trees to be sculptured into pyramids 
 and globes. It was in this Dutch garden that he
 
 272 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 and Peter the Great, who Avas then in England 
 studying shipbuilding, used to walk round and 
 round, the one to cool his head after taking 
 too much Hollands, the other to prepare him- 
 self for a fresh bumper of brand}^ and cayenne 
 pepper. 
 
 There is a very pleasing anecdote told of 
 William III., whilst residing at Kensington 
 Palace, which, though not strictly belonging to 
 its history, is interesting as a proof of the 
 amiability of the Dutch King. One day, whilst 
 busy with his Secretar}^ on state affairs, a tap 
 was heard at his closet door. 
 
 " Who is there ?" asked the King. 
 
 " Lord Buck,^' answered a childish voice. It 
 was Lord Buckhurst, then only four years of age, 
 the son of the Earl of Dorset, his Majesty's Lord 
 High Chamberlain. 
 
 "And what does Lord Buck want ?" returned 
 the King, opening the door. 
 
 " I want you to play at coach and horses. I 
 wanted you a long time," said tlie little fellow. 
 The stern, heavy countenance of the King re- 
 laxed into a smile, wliich it seldom wore.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 273 
 
 Leaving his state affairs, he took the string 
 of the toy in his hand, and dragged it up and 
 down the long gallery until his little lolayfellow 
 was satisfied. 
 
 During the reign of Queen Anne, thirty more 
 acres were taken from Hyde Park, and added to 
 Kensington Gardens. Her Majesty was so de- 
 termined to surround the palace with shrubs and 
 flowers, that she set one hundred men to work 
 making flower-beds, and arranging " a noble 
 collection of foreign plants," and " fine neat 
 greens,^^ as Bow Jack called them. She also 
 built " a stately green-house," and filled up some 
 of the gravel-pits, turning, as Addison wrote in 
 the " Spectator,'-* " an unsightly hollow " into 
 " an uncommon and agreeable scene ; for on one 
 side of the walk you see this hollow basin, with 
 its several little plantations, lying so conveniently 
 under the eye of the beholder; on the other 
 side of it there appears a seeming mound made 
 up of trees, one higher than another, as they 
 approach the centre." 
 
 These gravel-pits, which have now entirely 
 disappeared, formerly extended the whole length 
 
 VOL. I. T
 
 274 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 of the gardens on the Baj^swater and Notting 
 Hill sides. Shortly after William III. had pur- 
 chased his little estate, i^hysicians suddenly dis- 
 covered that the air of the gravel-pits was the 
 finest in the world. We suppose the presence of 
 the King must have affected the atmosphere, warm- 
 ing it like a sun, for the most expensive medical 
 authorities of the day sent their fashionable 
 patients to the place, which, despite the smoke 
 of London, they declared to be infinitely more 
 salubrious than Essex and Kent put together. 
 
 Caroline, Queen of George II., was fond of 
 large gardens, and did not like to be cramped 
 up in a little spot of some sixty acres, so she 
 ordered another slice to be taken from Hyde 
 Park, and added three hundred acres to the 
 Kensington grounds. In this reign the Serpen- 
 tine was made, by digging a canal along the line 
 of ponds in Hyde Park, and throwing them 
 into one. The excavation was four hundred 
 yards in length, and forty feet deep ; and, with 
 the soil dug out, a mound was raised and planted 
 with evergreens, and on the summit was erected 
 a small temple, made to turn at pleasure to any
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 275 
 
 point of the comi^ass so as to afford shelter from 
 the wind. 
 
 Since the death of George II., Kensington 
 Gardens and Hyde Park have undergone no 
 changes of consequence beyond those produced 
 by cultivation. The artificial mound has been 
 levelled, the turn-about temple cleared away and 
 shot somewhere else as rubbish, and a new 
 bridge, with a perpetually dry waterfall, erected 
 at one end of the Serpentine. George III. 
 never lived in the palace, for he was too *' un- 
 well'^ to have any tastes at all, beyond those 
 which belong to gentlemen in a weak state of 
 mind : such as sitting still for hours together, or 
 eating ravenous dinners. 
 
 George IV., whose fancy partook a little too 
 
 much of the linen-draper's idea of the beautiful, 
 
 preferred building for himself ginger - bread 
 
 pavilions or chaste stucco residences, to taking 
 
 up his abode in the old mansion at Kensington. 
 
 So he placed the palace at the disposal of his 
 
 royal brothers ; and, whilst the Duke of Sussex 
 
 used it as his town residence, the Duke of York 
 
 made it his home. 
 
 •F 2
 
 276 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 It was in this old Palace that Queen Victoria 
 was born. Mr. Wilberforce, writing to his friend 
 Hannah More, says : " In consequence of a very 
 civil message from the Duchess of Kent, I waited 
 on her this morning. She received me with her 
 fine animated child on the floor by her side, 
 with its playthings, of which I soon became one. 
 She was very civil ; but, as she did not sit down, 
 I did not think it right to stay above a quarter 
 of an hour ; and, there being but a female at- 
 tendant and a footman present, I could not well 
 get up any topic so as to carry on a continued 
 discourse. She apologised for not speaking 
 English well enough to talk it, but intimated a 
 hope that she might talk it better and longer 
 with me at some future time. She spoke of her 
 situation, and her manner was quite delightful." 
 If the reverend gentleman could only have fore- 
 seen that the " fine animated child on the floor " 
 was to have been the future Queen of England, 
 we think the " very civil message " would have 
 been written " gracious command," and the 
 *' manner quite delightful" have been changed 
 into " the greatest condescension.-"
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 277 
 
 It is only since the reign of William III. that 
 Kensington Gardens may be said to have a 
 separate history. Before that period it formed 
 a portion of Hyde Park ; so that we are forced 
 to mix the two up together in writing on the 
 subject. 
 
 In Cromwell's time, the park was a large open 
 field, where court races, hurling matches, May- 
 dances, and reviews were held. During the civil 
 war, Essex and Lambert encamped their forces 
 on the same ground where the boys now fly their 
 kites, and the Protector reviewed his psalm- 
 singing Ironsides where the London youths now 
 so pleasingly stroll about smoking their abomi- 
 nable Sunday cigars. 
 
 It was here, too, that, on the 1st of May, the 
 gentr}^ used to go dew-gathering, and wash their 
 faces with the moisture on the grass to preserve 
 their beauty. In the time of the Commonwealth, 
 these practices gave great offence to the righteous 
 rulers of the land. In the " Proceedings of State 
 Affairs," under the date of Monday, 1st of May, 
 1654, we read : — *' This day was more observed 
 by people going a-Maying than for divers years
 
 278 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 past, and indeed mucli sin committed by wicked 
 meetings with fiddlers, drunkenness, ribaldry, 
 and the like ; great resort came to Hyde Park, 
 many hundreds of coaches and gallants in attire, 
 but most shameful powdered-hair men and 
 painted and spotted women. Some men played 
 with a silver ball, and some took other recrea- 
 tion." The '*most shameful powder" and the 
 " painted and spotted women," which seem to 
 draw forth the virtuous disgust of the Puritan 
 chronicler, had just then become fashionable, 
 having been but lately introduced from France. 
 
 Pepys has the following melancholy passage in 
 his '• Diary," on the evening of the 30th of April, 
 1661 : — " I am sorry I am not at London, to be 
 in Hyde Park to-morrow morning, among the 
 great gallants and ladies, which will be very fine." 
 To show what the nobility-hunting old prig 
 missed, Evelyn was good enough to notice the 
 very same day in his "Diary": — "I went to 
 Hide Park to take the air, where was his Majesty 
 and an innumerable appearance of gallants and 
 rich coaches, being now a time of universal 
 festivity and joy."
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 279 
 
 From what we read, Hyde Park would seem to 
 have been the Copenhagen Fields of the time, 
 for sporting matches came off there, such as 
 coach and foot races, hurling, and wrestling. In 
 the "Moderate Intelligencer" we find that there 
 was "a hurling of a great ball by fifty Cornish 
 gentlemen of the one side, and fifty of the other ; 
 one party played in red caps, and the other in 
 white ;" and that there were present " his High- 
 ness the Lord Protector, many of his privy 
 council, and divers eminent gentlemen, to whose 
 view was presented great agility of body, and 
 most neat and exquisite wrestling at every meet- 
 ing of one with the other, which was ordered 
 with such dexterity, that it was to show more the 
 strength, vigour, and nimbleness of their bodies 
 than to endanger their persons. The ball they 
 played withal was silver, and designed for that 
 party which did win the goal."** 
 
 Those gentlemen who now-a-days walk their 
 horses by the side of the Serpentine, bending 
 over to talk to the lovely young ladies in the 
 carriages, must be rather surprised when they 
 read in " Evelyn" that he " went to see a coach-
 
 280 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 race in Hyde Park." How disgusted they would 
 be if the days of Pej^ys were to be revived, when 
 he wrote — " To Hyde Park by coach, and saw a 
 fine foot race three times round the park, between 
 an Irishman and Joseph Crow, that was once my 
 Lord Claypole's footman." 
 
 It was in this Hyde Park racing-ground that 
 " his Highness the Lord Protector" met with an 
 accident which might have cost him his life. 
 Ludlow tells us "that the Duke of Holstein 
 made him (Cromwell) a present of a set of grey 
 Friesland coach-horses, with which, taking the 
 air in the park attended only by his secretary 
 Thurlow, he would needs take the place of the 
 coachman, not doubting but the three pairs of 
 horses he was about to drive would prove as tame 
 as the three nations that were ridden by him, and 
 therefore, not content with their ordinary pace, 
 he lashed them very furiously. But they, unac- 
 customed to sucii a rough driver, ran away in a 
 rage, and stopped not till they had thrown him 
 out of the box, b}^ which fall his pistol fired in 
 his pocket, though without any hurt to himself; 
 by which he might have been instructed how
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 281 
 
 dangerous it was to meddle with those things 
 wherein he had no experience." 
 
 It may be as well to state that Ludlow's poli- 
 tical opinions were opposed to the Protector, and 
 that no doubt his account was written many years 
 later than the rule of the thrown coachman. 
 
 During the time of the Commonwealth, Hyde 
 Park was sold " for ready money required by the 
 State." It was divided into three lots. The 
 sum realised was £17,069 6s. Sd. ; the wood on 
 it, "exclusive of the deer and building materials," 
 being valued at £5,099 19s. Qd. Three gentle- 
 men of the names of Wilcox, Tracy, and Deane, 
 became the proprietors, and immediately after- 
 wards a toll appears to have been levied upon all 
 coaches which entered the park. 
 
 Evelyn complains of this innovation upon the 
 fashionable purse. " I went to take the aire in 
 Hide Park, where every coach was made to pay a 
 shilling and horse sixpence by the sordid fellow 
 (Mr. Anthony Deane, of St. Martins -in -the - 
 Fields, Esq.) who had purchased it of the State 
 as they are called." After the Eestoration, the 
 property was repurchased by Government.
 
 2S2 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Although Hyde Park seems quiet enough in 
 the present day, yet it is not many years since 
 its loneliness made it a favourite duelling-ground. 
 It was here that Wilkes received a severe pistol 
 wound, and it was here also that the desperate 
 duel between the Duke of Hamilton and Lord 
 Mohun was fought, in which both the principals 
 fell, and the seconds, taking up the quarrel, had, 
 poor simpletons, the pleasure of obtaining satis- 
 faction for a dispute they had nothing to do 
 with, by wounding each other. 
 
 Swift, in his "Journal to Stella," tells us that, 
 after this "four-handed fight," "the Duke was 
 helped towards the cake-house by the ring in 
 Hyde Park, where they fought, and died on the 
 grass before he could reach the house." 
 
 But the loneliness of the park was not only 
 favourable for the adjustment of quarrels, but also 
 became the hunting-ground for footpads and high- 
 way robbers. We should laugh at the fears of a 
 gentleman who would now be afraid of making a 
 short cut at night across the park, without having 
 first concealed his watch and studs in his Wel- 
 lington boots ; but, in 1753, there was great
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 283 
 
 danger of having a pistol placed between your 
 ej^es, and hearing, " Your money or your life ! '^ 
 before you could hurry over the ground between 
 ICnightsbridge and Bayswater. 
 
 In the trial of William Belcher, sentenced to 
 death for a highway robbery, we are told that the 
 chaise of the Devizes had been robbed two or 
 three times in the road, " along Hyde Park.'* 
 The officer who seized the robber gave the 
 following evidence : "As we came near the house 
 (half-way between Knightsbridge and Kensing- 
 ton), the prisoner came to us on foot, and said to 
 us : * Driver, stop ! ' He held a pistol tinder-box 
 to the chaise, and said : ' Your money directly : 
 you must not stay this minute — your money/ I 
 said : ' Don't frighten us ; I have but a trifle ; you 
 shall have it.' Then I said to the gentlemen 
 (there were three in the chaise) : ' Give your 
 money;' I took out a pistol from my coat pocket, 
 and from my breeches pocket a five-shilling piece 
 and a dollar. I held the pistol concealed in one 
 hand, and the money in the other. I held the 
 money pretty hard ; he said : ' Put it in my hat."* 
 I let him take the five-shilling piece out of my
 
 284 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 hand ; as soon as he had taken it, I snapped my 
 pistol at him ; it did not go off ; he staggered 
 back, and held up his hands, and said : ' Oh 
 Lord ! Oh Lord ! ^ I jumped out of the chaise ; 
 he ran away, and I after him about six or seven 
 hundred yards, and there took him. I hit him a 
 blow on his back ; he begged for mercy on his 
 knees. I took his neckcloth off, and tied his 
 hands with it, and brought him back to the 
 chaise." 
 
 Hyde Park has, since the days of Charles IL, 
 always been celebrated for its reviews, and as 
 being the fashionable exercising-ground. Evelyn 
 records several instances of the mustering of 
 troops and reviews by the King. In 1664, liis 
 Majesty's guards, " being of horse and foot, 
 4,000," were marched and ordered and drawn up 
 in battalia, before their Majesties, in Hyde Park." 
 
 The prudent Pepys also has entered in his 
 diary the following passage : " From the King's 
 Head ordinary, with Creed, to hire a coach to 
 carry us to Hyde Park to-day, there being a 
 general muster of the King's guards, horse and 
 foot ; but they demand so high that I, spying Mr.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 285 
 
 Cutler, the merchant, did take notice of him, and 
 he, going into his coach and telHng me he was 
 going to the muster, I asked and went along with 
 him ; when — a goodly sight to see — so many fine 
 horses and officers, the King, Duke, and others 
 came by a-horseback, and the two queenes, in the 
 Queen-mother's coach (my Lady Castlemaine not 
 being there) ; and, after long being there, I light 
 and walk to the place where the King, Duke, &c., 
 did stand, to see the horse and foot march by and 
 discharge their guns, to show a Frenche Mar- 
 quisse (for whom this muster was caused) the 
 goodnesse of our firemen, which, indeed, was 
 very good, though not without a slip now and 
 then ; and the one broadside close to our coach, 
 as we had going out of the Parke, even to the 
 nearnesse to be ready to burn our hairs." 
 
 In Horace Walpole's time, the militia were 
 frequently reviewed on the same ground where 
 our gallant troops from the Crimea were in- 
 spected on their return to England. " The 
 crowds in Hyde Park when the King reviewed 
 the militia were inimaginable. My Lord Orford, 
 their colonel, I hear, looked ferociously martial
 
 286 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 and genteel, and I believe it ; liis person and air 
 have a noble wildness in them ; the regimentals, 
 too, were ver}'- becoming — scarlet faced with 
 black, buff waistcoat, and gold buttons. How 
 knights of the shire, who had never shot any- 
 thing but woodcocks, like this warfare I don't 
 know, but the towns through which they pass 
 adore them. Everywhere they are treated and 
 regaled.-*^ 
 
 During Lord George Gordon's riots, the troops 
 were encamped in Hyde Park; and in 1799 the 
 Volunteers also pitched their tents on the public 
 property. 
 
 In less warlike times, the Eing became the 
 resort of fashionable horsemen and " carriage 
 people." Evelyn more than once notes a visit 
 to Hyde Park, " where was his Majesty and 
 abundance of gallantry ;" and the mean but 
 frisky Pepys has frequent entries, such as : 
 "After dinner, to Hide Parke. At the Parke 
 was the King and in another coach my ladj^ 
 Castlemaine ; they greeted each other at every 
 turn;" or when he, too, joined the fashionable 
 throng of horsemen : " To St. James's Park, and
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES, 287 
 
 in the Park Mr. Coventry's people having a horse 
 ready for me (so fine a one that I was almost 
 afraid to get upon him, but I did, and found 
 myself more feared than hurt) and followed the 
 Duke and some of his people to Hyde Park/' 
 
 We have before said that Kensington Gardens 
 became a fashionable promenade in the days of 
 George I. 
 
 Then the Court ladies, after their early dinner, 
 took the air, their heads and faces adorned with 
 powder, paint, and patches ; the gallants, in their 
 long silk waistcoats and gold embroidered coats, 
 kept at a respectful distance by the immense 
 hoops that puffed out the petticoats of the fair 
 promenaders. 
 
 Leigh Hunt goes into ecstasies when describing 
 the additional beauties which the hoop added to 
 the female figure. " When it was large, and the 
 swell of it hung at a proper distance from the 
 person, it became not an habiliment but an enclo- 
 sure. The person stood aloof from it, and was 
 imagined to do so. The lady, like a goddess, 
 was half concealed in an hemisphere out of which 
 the rest of her person rose like Venus out of the
 
 288 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 billows. AVhen she moved, and the hoop was at 
 proper length as well as breadth, she did not 
 walk — her steps were not visible — she was borne 
 along ; she was wafted ; came gliding." How 
 immeasurably superior is the crinoline ! 
 
 Thomson, in his juvenile days, was also seized 
 with this madness for the hoop. He writes : — 
 
 *• One thing I mind — a spreading hoop she wore, 
 Than nothing which adorns a lady more ; 
 "With equal rage could I its beauties sing — 
 I'd with a hoop make all Parnassus ring." 
 
 It is curious to follow the progress of fashion 
 up to the present. As the hoops went out, the 
 ladies who moved along the broad walks of Ken- 
 sington Gardens carried on their hips little pan- 
 niers, and wore head-dresses built of paste-board 
 and adorned with flowers and feathers, whilst the 
 gentlemen who escorted them at one time wore 
 clothing cumbrous and heavy as a state coach- 
 man's livery, and, a few years afterwards, made 
 their appearance in minikin hats, large pigtails, 
 and tight-fitting clothes of striped colours. 
 
 As news came from Paris, tailors and milliners 
 were set to work to carry out the newly-received
 
 FACES FOa FORTUNES. 2 Si) 
 
 notions of what was beautiful iu dress. Then 
 came turbans and ostrich-feathers, and gowns 
 with the waist under the arms, so that the bosom, 
 as we are told, " protruded at the top as if 
 squeezed out by the girdle-strings." The men 
 " cut " their pigtails and took to high-waisted 
 coats and tight pantaloons, such as we see in 
 Gilray's caricatures. 
 
 What kind of costume it may please our 
 children's children to adopt, it is as difficult to 
 picture to ourselves as it was to Lucullus to 
 invent another dish. We think we ought to 
 remain contented with the fashion as it is, for 
 what can be more delightful than to witness the 
 toilettes of the exquisite crowd that assembles in 
 Kensington Gardens when the band is playing? 
 Bonnets so light that 3^ou could blow them away 
 as easily as so much thistledown ; dresses made 
 aerial by rows of flounces ; feet that peep out 
 from under the embroidered petticoat, so small 
 that a Chinese might envy them, all prove the 
 intense labour that has been expended to arrive 
 at this perfection of attire. 
 
 As the band plays the choice morceaxix from
 
 'rC\}0 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 the last new opera, the prim multitude, seated 
 on the benches and chairs around, listen with 
 a silence that even the waving of the trees 
 cannot break, and in the beauty of the melody- 
 forget that the thermometer is at 99° in the 
 shade. If anybody has courage enough to walk 
 through those rows of listeners, he will see a 
 sight — amber-coloured locks that fall with an 
 elastic grace upon the sloping shoulder, eyes so 
 large and blue that they seem to reflect the sky 
 above, and mouths that a grape could scarcely 
 enter, surrounded hy lips red as holly-berries at 
 Christmas time. 
 
 Here are mammas watching over their lambs 
 with a restless vigilance, turning this way and 
 that as the gentlemen pass and re-pass their 
 daughters. There are three or four young 
 ladies clustered around " papa " (who, overcome 
 by the heat and the music, is half dozing in his 
 chair), all armed with parasols, which fall down 
 like shields, if any " fellow " should stare too 
 intently. 
 
 Now you pass some dark-haired beauty, with 
 p brca'l i^lait surmounting the wide forehead like
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 291 
 
 a coronet, and the edge of the bonnet marked by 
 a wreath of violets ; or you steal a glance at a 
 delicately-formed girl, with brown locks drawn 
 back from the blue-veined temples, and little 
 hooks of curls resting crisply against the 
 cheek. 
 
 Whilst the band plays, some of the beauties 
 fan themselves with their lace -edged handker- 
 chiefs, shaking out the perfume with each move- 
 ment. Others seem busy with the thoughts the 
 music calls up, and stare vacantly before them; 
 a few, with their admirers beside them, or lean- 
 ing over the backs of their chairs, listen to 
 whispers that are being addressed to them, too 
 oppressed by the heat to make long answers, but 
 occasionally — perhaps to show the brilliant teeth 
 that for a moment form an edging to the lips — 
 rewarding with a faint smile the " anxious en- 
 deavours to please " of their wonderfully got-up 
 cavaliers. 
 
 When we were young we did skip, and a dress- 
 coat lasted but for a season. Polished leather 
 
 boots consumed our substance. V^e revelled in 
 
 u2
 
 202 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 choice shirts, with bosoms of exceeding fine work, 
 and for white kid gloves we risked insolvency. 
 Now, alas ! the swallow-tails of a thousand polkas 
 lie undisturbed in our wardrobe, and our opera 
 waistcoat is older than our firstborn. The oil of 
 youth, that lubricated the activity of our pas 
 seul, has clogged in our joints, and, reclining in 
 our easy-chair, we listen to the tales of the 
 dancers. We are getting old and lazy. Grey 
 streaks, like the ghosts of departed vigour, haunt 
 the ruined blackness of our hair, and, with the 
 groan of a conquered warrior, we lay down our 
 tweezers. Oh, that our time could but come over 
 again, when the exertion of pleasure caused us 
 no distress, and to put on fine clothes was our 
 greatest enjoyment ! 
 
 In those days when we could return from busi- 
 ness at six, and be dressed like a little king and 
 read}'' for the opera by seven (our mutton chops, 
 in a kind of crop, pressing sorely against the 
 second button of our waistcoat), we considered 
 any man over forty " an old boy," and inwardly 
 decided that he had no right to be got up and 
 pomaded into the semblance of a younker.
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. U9S 
 
 Now, we loudly assert that no man is in his 
 prime until he is fifty-five. But it will not do. 
 
 The rebels of twenty-five wink to one another, 
 and quietly put us down. 
 
 Then we fancied it was a waste of time to 
 focus our glasses on a face passed twenty-five, 
 and if we offered our arm to a spinster of thirty 
 we consoled ourself with the reflection that we 
 were assisting old age. Our song is now altered. 
 We have adopted the consoling creed of Balzac, 
 that a woman is never so lovely as in her fortieth 
 year. 
 
 The bits of things in their teens we smile 
 upon as sweet children. Have we gained or 
 lost wisdom ? 
 
 Then we were in our pride, now we are on 
 our self-defence. It is the sense of the prisoner 
 who decorates his cell that prompts us to glorify 
 the wrinkles that bar out our youth and teaches 
 us to seek comfort in what we are forced to 
 endure. 
 
 There are several very mortifying, we may say 
 humiliating, circumstances attending the middle 
 age of one who is fool enough to be ashamed of
 
 294 PACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 his years : one is the coldness openly displayed 
 hy the youth whose companion you would wish 
 to be considered, and another the insulting 
 triumph with which the acknowledged old ones 
 welcome you among their ranks, and the glee 
 with which they proclaim you as one of them. 
 
 We approach a happy group of giggling things 
 and long to join in their fun, hut suddenly they 
 are silent and retire abashed. We turn to the 
 ottoman where the aged are resting, and instantly 
 room is made for us, and a voice exclaims " We 
 old people are better out of the way of those 
 silly children. We have seen our day, and may 
 as well let them enjoy theirs." Maternal parents 
 will openly insult you by placing the greatest 
 confidence in what they term " your calmed 
 nature," by intrusting their sweet progeny to 
 your care, and not even suspecting you of tender 
 emotions. 
 
 When giddy Julia, a bright little angel of fas- 
 cinating impudence, who knows how to use her 
 eyes, and would (for practice) flirt with a grave- 
 digger, — when laughing Julia has to be guarded 
 in the crush-room until the carriafje is an-
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 295 
 
 nounced, — mamma asks you to enact the sage 
 protector, and poor Tom Darling is baulked of 
 his hopes. 
 
 The cunning mother knows as well as we do 
 that if we were to pour out our soul in one 
 long song of love, Julia would glance at our 
 increasing forehead and tufted sidelocks and 
 laugh ; but were Tom to breathe but six words 
 of affection the minx would remember them for 
 a week and believe them all the time. Decidedly 
 we are a safer escort than Tom ; but we had 
 rather it had been considered otherwise, and 
 that our pepper-and-salt head, or, let us say, our 
 somewhat grizzled locks, vrere thought to be as 
 lovely as his glossy curls. 
 
 It is easy to tell when a man is casting off 
 his worn-out youth. He betrays himself by 
 gross indulgences. At dinner-parties he eats 
 too much, and likes to linger over the port 
 until it is time to go home ; but the boys talk 
 much and devour little, and as soon as the 
 piano is heard in the drawing-room above they 
 sidle off to the door, leaving their full glasses 
 behind.
 
 ^06 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 Should dancing be proposed, the oldster tries 
 to get up a rubber. 
 
 When Q,ny dear, obliging creature kindly con- 
 sents to sing, the old one, instead of volunteer- 
 ing to turn over the music, creeps into a shady 
 corner and steals forty winks. His waistcoat, 
 though larger than cf old, yet seems tighter ; or 
 should he be of a lean and ungrateful consti- 
 tution, he delights in arguments on sluggish 
 digestions and the efficacy of pills. 
 
 When he indulges in a frisk, as at Christmas 
 time, his wheezing becomes oppressive, or every 
 now and then a sudden twinge of the rheumatism 
 causes him to grimace. If any young fellow^ 
 should wound his feelings by personal allusions, 
 he will pettishl}'' sneer at the impudence of 
 "boys;" but, on the other hand, he considers it 
 an act of intolerable impertinence if any of his 
 juvenile friends should presume to address him 
 as " old cock." 
 
 Sometimes you may observe two of these tired- 
 looking done-up bucks, examining with lively 
 curiosity each other's highly-brushed hair, or 
 ])ee])ing with sharp eyes for the grey roots of the
 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 297 
 
 gloss}^ whiskers. Eacli is wondering where the 
 other goes to be dyed. 
 
 Occasionally they betray themselves by anec- 
 dotes of Pasta and John Kemble, and, whilst 
 the listeners are amazed that any one with such 
 beautiful teeth and jet-black locks could have 
 lived in those far-off days, the detected beau will 
 suddenly discover his mistake and flounder out 
 of his blunder by offering to " lend the book 
 where he read it." 
 
 Above all, anj'body at a glance may distinguish 
 around the eyes of these renovated boys those 
 thin cracks in the human clay called wrinkles — 
 minute lines that tell of the hard wear of the 
 vessel where the glazing of youth has given way. 
 
 A cruel infliction on the young bachelor of forty 
 is to have a married sister who is a truth-telling 
 VNToman, and who will openly confess her age and 
 relate anecdotes of her young brother's naughty 
 boyhood. He could break the poker in two with 
 rage when she (before girls too) begins the love 
 stories of the angels he courted ; of the romantic 
 attachment he formed, from mere description, 
 for dearest Anna, a schoolfellow (now the mother
 
 208 FACKS FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 of six) ; how he proposed three thxies to Caroline, 
 who refused him because she liked officers (since 
 twice married) ; how he wanted Kate to elope with 
 him, only she was afraid to jump. The once 
 entrancing Kate now wears a cap, sips brandy- 
 and-water before bed -time, and, years since, lost 
 her waist. 
 
 If we chose to mention names, we could refer 
 admirers of beauty to a young lady so superla- 
 tively handsome that to gaze on her bewitching 
 countenance was to destroy a week's appetite. 
 
 Naturally, her parents doated upon her, and, 
 indeed, spoiled her with indulgences, and blessed 
 her sweet face as the}^ paid the bills. 
 
 The son of a highly respectable nobleman fell 
 so desperately in love with this angel that he 
 walked before the liouse for three weeks, and 
 with impassioned gesticulations offered marriage 
 whenever anybody peeped over the parlour blinds. 
 
 There was a grace about the deportment of 
 Clarissa which, but for its sublimity, might be 
 likened to the movements of a sportive kitten, a 
 rounded grace so inimitable that all her com- 
 panions affected her style.
 
 FACES FOR FOUTUNES. 209 
 
 Her mother bad been a fine creature and a 
 favourite toast. Even now she wears a settled 
 cahnness of beauty which, in a widow, would 
 command speedy matrimony. When aroused the 
 expression of her eye might conquer the sternest 
 of footmen and make him abject. 
 
 On the occasion of the divine Clarissa making 
 her first appearance in ball-room life, an old 
 boy who had twice tenderly addressed her respec- 
 ted mamma (when Miss G.) was seized with a 
 sudden trembling, and declared that he ex- 
 perienced all the torments of his disappointed 
 love, so closely did the child resemble the parent. 
 During that same evening a member of Parlia- 
 ment was so affected that, rushing down to the 
 house, he voted on the wrong side and forfeited 
 all his future electioneering prospects. 
 
 A Baronet with twelve thousand a year offered 
 to wager five monkeys that in less than three 
 months slie should be his ; but four brave men, 
 disgusted with this display of effrontery, in- 
 stantly stepped forward and accepted the bet, 
 at the same time presenting the noble upstart 
 with their cards and challenging him to mortal
 
 ;'^00 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 combat unless he instantly withdrew his offensive 
 remarks. 
 
 The family is excessively well-to-do, and the 
 liveries are handsome. As an old friend (forty !) 
 of the family, we are permitted to call whilst the 
 first dinner bell is ringing. We carve chickens 
 with a magical neatness, and as a professor of 
 salad-mixing we simply defy the world. 
 
 Clarissa is engaged in matrimonial promise to 
 a gentleman of fortune, who never can be worthy 
 of such excellence. Her chief delight is to sit 
 in an opera-box, and, as the lovely music calms 
 her agitated soul, to listen to the love-vows of 
 her favoured selection. 
 
 On these opera nights we delight in calling on 
 that cherished family. They have dined early 
 (six instead of eight), to suit the pleasure-seekers. 
 We find them partaking of tea— a wholesome 
 beverage. Everybody is disturbed and anxious 
 — the mother, lest her sweet daughter should be 
 late; the children, from jealousy that they are 
 not to share the pleasure. 
 
 It is an uncomfortable visit ; but we know that 
 our reward is at hand. Brother Oscar is read}^
 
 FACES FOR FOUTUNES. 1301 
 
 dressed, and has stretched his gloves. Com- 
 pared with the other members of the family, he 
 in his extensive get-up stands out as a highly 
 finished specimen : not a hair out of place, and 
 his general cleanliness amounting to frigidity. 
 He will not speak to Athol or Edwin, but 
 stands before the glass gazing on himself, his 
 reflection being his only fitting companion. He 
 grumbles and looks at his watch, and wonders 
 
 what Clarissa can be about. 
 
 Presently a general rustling is heard, gradually 
 
 increasing to a rushing, crackling roar, whicli 
 
 informs us that the capacious crinoline of the 
 
 beautiful Clarissa is rapidly descending from 
 
 above, stretching voluminously from wall to rail, 
 
 and filling up in a cloud of richness more than 
 
 six feet of staircase. 
 
 Everbody gazes at the door : our impatience 
 becomes almost beyond control. The fond 
 mother rises, the children run forward, we 
 adjust our eyeglass, and utter an inward prayer 
 for help. She comes ! 
 
 She floats into our presence. She curtseys 
 to us with an elegance which sends the blood to
 
 o02 FACES FOR FORTUNES. 
 
 our head. As if in mercy, she recalls us to our 
 senses by exclaiming, in her sweetest tones, 
 " Ma, dear, I want a pin." 
 
 By her side little Marian stands, envious of 
 her sister's pretty gown, and wishing she were 
 old enough to be dressed as finely. In about 
 ten years' time it will be her turn to be courted 
 and petted, and set the milliners to work. She 
 will, we consider, be even more captivating than 
 the beautiful Clarissa. 
 
 END OF VOL. I. 
 
 IJUADBUr.Y AND EVAKS. PKINTEBS, WHITErRIAHS.
 
 MESSRS. TINSLEY BROTHERS' NEW WORKS. 
 
 Mr. Sala's Diary in America, 
 
 This day is published, in 2 Vols. 8vo., 
 MY DIARY IN AMEEICA IN THE MIDST OF WAR. By Gkougb 
 Augustus Sa.la. 
 
 GEORGE GEITH OF FEN COURT : a Novel, by F. Gr. Trapford, 
 
 Author of "City and Suburb," "Too Much Alone." The Second Edition is 
 
 ready this day at all the Libraries, in ?> Vols. 
 
 " This fine story, so rich in pathos, is not poor in humour. Its sadness does 
 
 not tend to monotone, but is diversified by sketches of 'fine City ladies,' and 
 
 notable of City sociabihties, which are keenly witty and genuinely entertaining'. 
 
 It is a rare pleasure to read such a novel as ' George Geith of Fen Court '—a 
 
 pleasure for whose recurrence it is vain to look, except towards its author. " — 
 
 Morning Poit. 
 
 New Work of Fiction, by the Author of "Paved with Gold," &c. 
 
 This day is published, in 3 Vols. , 
 FACES FOR FORTUNES, By AuausTos Mayhew, Author of "How to 
 Marry and ^Vhom to Marry," "The Greatest Plague in Life," "The Finest 
 Girl in Bloomsbury," &c. 
 
 Life of Masaniello. 
 
 This day is published, in 1 Vol., 
 MASANIELLO OF NAPLES. By Mrs. Horace St. John. 
 
 TODLEBEN'S DEFENCE OF SEBASTOPOL: being a Review of General 
 Todlebens Narrative, 1854 — 5. By William Howard Russell, LL.D., Special 
 Correspondent of the " Times" during the Crimean War. In One handsome 
 Volume of nearly 350 pages, uniform with Captain Burton's "Mission to 
 Dahomey." 
 *** A portion of this Work appeared in the "Times ;" it has since been greatly 
 enlarged, and may be said to be an abridgment of General Todleben's great work. 
 
 [Ready this day. 
 
 New Novel. 
 This day is published, in 2 Vols., 
 AVTLA HOPE: a Novel. 
 
 In the press, in 2 Vola., 
 SHOOTING AND FISHING IN NORTH AMERICA: being a Sporting 
 Tour through the United States in 1862—3. By Henry Revoil. 
 
 A Volume of Poems, by the Author of "Barbara's History." 
 
 This day is published, in 1 Vol., 
 
 BALIAUS. By Mi.?s Ameli.i B. Edavards, Author of ' ' B.irbara's 
 History."
 
 .MESSRS. TIXSLEY BROTHERS' NEW WORKS. 
 
 TEE MARRIED LIFE OF ANNE OF AUSTRIA, Queen of France, 
 Mother of Louis XIV. ; and the HISTORY of DON SEBASTIAN, King of 
 Portugal. Historical Studies. From numerous Unpublished Source.s. By 
 Martha Walker Freer. In 2 Vols. Svo., with Portrait. 
 
 "The manied life of Anne of Austria as the Queen of Louis XIII., and her 
 subsequent life as his widow and Recent of France, constitute one of the most 
 important phases in French history, and ccrkiinly one of the best topics that a 
 writer up in the curious revelations of the French memoirs relating thereto, 
 could select to make an amusing and even fascinating book. We have here n, 
 book entertaining in a high degree, and authentic as far as it goes ; discrimina- 
 tive even in special transactions — full of choice materials well combined." — 
 Times, Oct. 25. [Second Edition, tkis dai/. 
 
 AN ARTIST'S PROOF: a Novel. By Alfred Austin, Author of 
 " The Season : a Satire," &c. In 3 Vols. * iThisday. 
 
 MORNINGS OF THE RECESS IN 1861-4 ; being a Series of Literary 
 and BiogTaphical Papers, reprinted and revised from the " Times," by permis- 
 sion, by the Author. In 2 Vols., uniform with Captain Burton's " Alission 
 to Dahomey." [.This day. 
 
 THE NILE BASIN. By Captain R. F. Burton, Author of "A Mission 
 to Dahomey." In 1 Vol., with Three Map.s, price 7s. 6c?. 
 %* A part of this Work was read by Captain Burton before the Royal 
 Geographical Society on Nov. 14th. [ This day. 
 
 A MISSION TO DAHOMEY : being a Three Mouths' Residence at tlio 
 Court of Dahomey. In which ai-e described the Manners and Customs of the 
 Country, including the Human Sacrifice, &c. By Captain R. F. Burton, 
 late H.M. Commissioner to Dahomey, and the Author of *'A Pilgrimage to 
 El Mcdinah and Meccah." In 2 Vols., with illustrations. 
 
 "He witnessed the grand Customs and the yearly Customs of that grotesquely 
 ceremonious people, including the evolutions of their army of ' Amazons ' and tho 
 tr.aces of their ciiiel human sacrifices, of which he himself, with proper taste, 
 declined to be an actual spectator, and he brought away impressions of the 
 Dahoman proclivities v/hich are really very cuiious and instructive, though they 
 were not very satisfactory to himself nor to be commended to the imitation of tho 
 gentle philanthropists who i^atronise the Dahomans or their congeners undei' tlio 
 fallacious impression that they can ever be elevated up to the same level of being 
 as themselves."— TivJie-s', Oct. 5. {Second Edition revised, this day. 
 
 ABBOT'S CLEVE ; or, Can it be Proved % A Novel. In 3 Vols. 
 
 "The reader is really very sorry for Florence; but one could scarcely be ex- 
 pected to have much sympathy with a masculine school-girl who married an 
 ostler. Aurora Floyd carefully conceals from her supposed husband that liis new 
 trainer is her rightful lord, while the heroine of ' Abbot's Cleve ' has no guilt to 
 conceal. The writer has displayed a delicacy, and introduced a certain arnoimt 
 of pathos, which contrast strongly with the former treatment of a slightly similar 
 situation. . . . The writer pjssesses a very exceptional amount of genuine 
 dramatic T^ovfer."— Saturday Review. [Second Edition, this day. 
 
 MAURICE BERING : a Novel. By the Author of ** Guy Livingstone." 
 Price 6.9. [This day. 
 
 EVERY-DAY PAPERS. From "All the Year Round," By Andrew 
 II.M.LTDAY. In 2 Vols. [This da>j. y 
 
 v" 
 TIXSLEY Br.OTITEUS, ]8, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND.
 
 
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