UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 LIBRARY 
 
 MEMORIAL 
 
 the Class of 1901 
 
 founded by 
 
 HARLAN HOYT HORNER 
 
 and 
 HENRIETTA CALHOUN HORNER
 
 WAR LETTERS 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 EMBRACING HIS EXPERIENCES 
 
 AS 
 
 HONEST OLD ABE'S BOSOM FRIEND AND UNOFFICIAL ADYISEB, 
 
 "Oar lives hve been like twin flowers upon a lily's stem; 
 And 1st us, -when we uust fall, together fall like them." 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 FREDERIC A. BRADY, PUBLISHER. 
 
 No. 22 ANN STKEBT. 
 1864
 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1664, 
 BY JOSEPH BARBER, 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District ol 
 New York. 

 
 H 4- 
 
 TO 
 ABRAHAM LINCOLN OP ILLANNOY, 
 
 THE 
 
 LOFTIEST OF LIVIN STATESMEN, 
 
 EENOUND ALIKE FOE 
 
 HIS GEEAT MILENTARY TALONS. 
 
 HIS 
 
 FIRM ADHEARANCE TO THE CONSTITOOSHIN, AND FIDELITY 
 TO HIS INAUGERASHIN OATH, 
 
 THIS WUEK 
 
 13 
 
 AFFECKSHINATELY INSKBIBED BY 
 
 THE AUTHOR
 
 PUBLISHER'S NOTE. 
 
 The orthographical eccentricities exhibited in the following 
 letters, including the variety of ways in which the same words 
 are spelled in different parts of the correspondence, show that 
 the writer was guided by no fixed rules of his own in his extra- 
 ordinary (and it may be added unconscious) departures from the 
 dicta of the dictionaries. 
 
 The world has been laughing for years at the queer spelling 
 and quaint phraseology of the DISBANDED VOLUNTEER ; but, 
 underlying all this, shrewd, homely philosophy, and biting 
 sarcasm, constitute the chief merit of his letters. Some of them 
 seem almost prescient when read by the light of events that 
 have occurred since they first appeared in print.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 The Trends that lies overperswaded me to hev the ensooin lit- 
 tery perduckshins bound up in buck form for the bennyfit of our 
 common kentry, insists on my ritin a Preeface to them ; and the 
 publisher, who is naterally ankshus that the wurk should bo 
 proffertable to hisself, as well as to sosity, hes reckwested me to 
 interdose it with a serious of preliniendary remarks, in my best 
 vain. Heving allus ben uste to rite onpremeditated, on the sub- 
 jestin of the moment, line rayther afeard that in attemptin to 
 spred myself, I shall run sum risk of a kullaps. I hev knowd 
 setch misfortens happen to men of the most brilyant genus, 
 when they tried to sore beyant the lenth of nater's tether. 
 
 Howsever, I shell do my best. Webster's Dickshinary a 
 vollum witch I hev sairtched and studded more keerfully than 
 enny uther publicashin goin, eggsept the skripters ses the ob- 
 jeck of a Preeface is to state the mane desine of the wurk. Ef I 
 am not mistaken in the vews of my publisher, the mane desine 
 of this wurk is to make munny. Leastways, that's his desine. 
 
 But the orther, I am proud to say, is indooced to cast the fol- 
 lerin lines afore the wurld by a hyer porpus. My life, as the 
 kentry is awar, hes ben full of wunderful vississytoods, from the 
 tune I was Disbanded, arter the Mexican war, to the present 
 crysis. First I made my pile in the airly days of Californy, 
 shuvellin up gold amung the Bigger Injens ; then I pardizzypa- 
 ted in the revolushinary moovements in Payris ; arterwards I 
 figgered around a wile in London ; next I visited Constantino- 
 pul, and took sarvis with the late Grand Senior, Addle-Mushed, 
 onder whose banner I fit in the Crymean war ; subsekwently I 
 emmygrated to Australy, and made considabul addishins to my 
 pile from its oderiferous deposits ; later I tuck up my abode in 
 New York, and familiarised myself with the manners and cus- 
 toms of its eggstrodinary popalashin ; still later I went on an
 
 6 PREFACE. 
 
 eggscursion to Springfield, Illanoy, and finally I brort up at 
 Washington, whar I hang out at present. 
 
 The happyest event in my life occurd at Springfield, Illanoy. 
 Thar I found a frend of the tallest kind. Need I say that frend 
 was ABRAHAM LINCOLN. That poplar Idle lied jest ben chosen 
 President by the vice of the peeple. From that hour we hev 
 ben wun and insuperable. He hes ben my Valentine and I hev 
 ben his Arson. Demon and Pithyass was not more affeckshin- 
 ately united. I accumpaned him to the Capitol and hev ben 
 his confidenshal adviser ever senst he assoomed the rains of pour 
 and began to shower the blessins of good guverment upon this fa- 
 verd land. I never flatterd him, and he nose it. Jelus Con- 
 stitooshinal Advisers hev endevored to make breeches atwixt 
 us, but it warnt in thar boots to do it "We hev hed our tiffs, 
 and I hev sumtimes spoken my mind about him in my curry- 
 spondence, with a straitforrardness that would hev subjeckted 
 ennyboddy else to a letter de catch it, and a melankoly emprison- 
 ment in Fort Laugheryet. " But no," sed his Eggsellency, " he 
 means well, and I won't hev him mislested." 
 
 I hev called this vollum " The War Letters of a Disbanded 
 Volunteer", bekase the most of the epistols hes ben written 
 senst the war cominenst, tho it will be seen that they begin im- 
 mediently arter the eleckshin of my illustrus frend. The read- 
 er will nolis thars a brake in the curryspondence. It stops at 
 April 4, 1861, and runs on agen from July 4 of the same year. 
 Doorin the hihaters I was engaged in activ pershoots, and hed 
 no time for letteratoor. But the moment it was possabul I re- 
 turnt to Abraham, who tuck me back with rapter to his bizness 
 and buzzum. In conclushin, I would say that my idee in pub- 
 lershin the letters in a collected form is, to place the karrick- 
 ter and sarvices of that Destingwished Statesman in lhar troo 
 light afore my kentrymen, with a vew to biass and inflewence 
 thar feelins and judgments, when they go to the poles, in No- 
 vember next 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER PAGE 
 
 I. The Disbanded Volunteer Complains that his whereabouts has 
 been Misrepresented, and Explains that he is on a Visit to Mr. 
 Lincoln, President-Elect, at Springfield, Illinois, . . .11 
 II. He Refers to Mr. Lincoln's Difficulties with the Office-seekers, 
 and Hints that Old Abe's Forte is Conundrums, of which he In- 
 troduces some Lively Specimens, 13 
 
 III. Interesting Incidents of Old Abe's Journey from Springfield to 
 
 Washington, 16 
 
 IV. More about the Journey, and some very remarkable Jokes by 
 
 his Excellency-Elect, 19 
 
 V. Perils on the Route The Assassination Plot The Alarm of the 
 Ladies The Bolt from Harrisburgh Old Abe and the Dis- 
 banded in Washington, 22 
 
 VI. Remarks on the Inaugural A Shower of Conundrums Won- 
 derful Humor of A. L., 25 
 
 VII. The Disbanded Ventures an Opinion (not "a very correct one) as 
 to the Probabilities of WarMore Comic Hits by the Star of 
 
 the West 27 
 
 VIII. The President, in View of his Heavy Responsibilities, Becomes 
 
 Serious and Jokes lugubriously, 30 
 
 IX. The Disbanded is slightly Disgusted with Matters and Things in 
 Washington, and Resolves to Leave that City and Intermit 
 
 his Letters for a while, 33 
 
 X. The Veteran, after an Intermission of three Months, Recom- 
 mences his Correspondence He has been Offered a Brigadier- 
 Generalship, but Declined, 35 
 
 XI. Queer Communication of Jeff Davis to the President A Chal- 
 lenge, and how the Messenger who Brought it was Treated 
 
 Mendacious Reports of the Situation, 37 
 
 XII. Shoddy Swindlers" On to Richmond" The Army on the War 
 
 Path, 40 
 
 XIII. Battle of Bull Run The Disbanded Cheers up Old Abe, . . 43 
 XIV. Reports and Rumors Prince Napoleon at the White House 
 
 Banquet Button-busters Extraordinary 46 
 
 XV. The Disbanded Pitches into the " Washington Correspondents", 
 and Tells as big a Story as any of them without Violating any 
 
 Confidence, . . . . : . ' 49 
 
 XVI. W. H. Russell, LL.D., gets a Dressing for his Report of the Bull 
 
 Run Battle, 52 
 
 XVII. Female Spies in Washington How they Convey " Aid and Com- 
 
 form to the Enemy" 54 
 
 XVIII. The Fort Hatteras Victory' Professor Low Tribulations of the 
 
 Petticoat Traitors, 57 
 
 XIX. Views of the Cabinet on the War Compliment to the Emperor 
 
 of Russia, 60 
 
 XX. An Avalanche of Humor from the White House published by 
 
 permission, 63 
 
 XXI. Minutes of a Remarkable Conversation with Mr. Lincoln The 
 
 Disbanded's Advice to him, 66 
 
 XXII. News from Rebeldom Picked up by the Disbanded's Private 
 
 Spy, 68 
 
 XXIII. A Cull at the Executive Mansion Sparks of Wit The Dis- 
 banded Hungry for a Fight, 71
 
 8 CONTENTS. 
 
 LE/YBR. PAGE 
 
 XXIV. The Edward's Ferry Disaster A Heavy Dig at Military In- 
 
 competency, 73 
 
 XXV. The Disbanded Relates the Particulars of a Diabolical Dream 
 
 he had, 76 
 
 XXVI. Didactic, but funny, 78 
 
 XXVII. A Grand Crow over Dupont's Naval Victory at Hilton Head, 81 
 XXVIII. Tenderness to Spies and Traitors Mason and Slidell, . . 84 
 XXIX. The " On to Richmond" Yawp A Chat with McClellan and 
 
 Abe Wonderful Facettousness of the latter, . . .86 
 XXX. Satirical Passage-at-arms between the President and Secre- 
 tary Cameron The Secretary Floored, . . . .89 
 XXXI. The Disbanded Touches on the Negro Soldier Question- 
 Slightly Louis Philippe's Grandsons . . . . .92 
 XXXII. The Row with England about the Trent A Prediction that 
 
 no War will Come of it, 94 
 
 XXXIII. Christmas Day (1861), in Camp at Arlington Heights The 
 
 Banquet and the Toasts Fun Alive, 97 
 
 XXXIV. The Disbanded Pitches into Official Corruption A Regular 
 
 Flaying of the Public Thieves, 100 
 
 XXXV. The Jokes Attributed by the Disbanded to Abe, all Authentic 
 
 Official Confirmation of their Genuineness . . . 103 
 XXXVI. Another Hit.at the Corruptionists News from Dixie Petti- 
 coats Taken for Wadding, 105 
 
 XXXVII. A Bitter Raid on the Shoddyites The Van Wyck Report A 
 
 Mistake about Charleston, 107 
 
 XXXVIII. Glorious News from the South and West The President 
 
 Lets himself Out on the Occasion Humor in Chunks, 
 XXXIX. The Disbanded Rejoices over Recent Victories The Presi- 110 
 
 dent's Birthday Secession in a Funk, 113 
 
 XL. Jeff Davis's Inauguration, Convulsively Reported, . . 115 
 XL!. Astounding Rumors ! The Censors of the Press Old Abe's 
 Proposition to Bribe the Slaveholders to Emancipate 
 
 their Darkeys, ,.,..". . .117 
 
 XLII. The Disbanded in the Field! What he Picked up at 
 
 Manassas, 120 
 
 LXIII. Amazing Exploits of the Veteran His Sword Mightier than 
 
 his Pen, 123 
 
 XLIV. The Disbanded Fights his Battles o'er Again exten- 
 sively, 128 
 
 XLV. Tho Military Reptile Snaking Along Rebels on the Run, . 129 
 XL VI. The Disbanded on McClellan's Staff A Superhuman Army 
 
 Rumors about the Merrimac, 132 
 
 XL VII. The Sacred Soil in April Balloon Investigations A Bit of 
 
 Quiet Satire, but Strong, 134 
 
 XLVIIL Proposed Assault on Yorktown, Rain or Shine The D. V. 
 
 Hopes to Write his next Letter in the Rebel Works, . . 137 
 XLIX. He Ascends in a Balloon, and Comes Down in a Parachute, 141 
 L. Williamsburg Evacuated by the Rebs A Fearful Vision 
 
 The Disbanded Blown up mildly, 144 
 
 LI. He is Tormented by Disloyal Mocking-Birds Warm Wel- 
 come from Cuffee, Dinah & Co., 147 
 
 LIT. Only Nine Miles from Richmond ! 150 
 
 LIII. A Slap at Beauregard McClellan the Idol of the Army of 
 
 the Potomac A Sly Dig at Banks, 151 
 
 LIV. The Battle of Fair Oaks Miraculous Escape of the Dis- 
 banded Only Three Miles from Richmond ! . . . 154 
 LV. A Lull, which the D. V. Improves to make a few Remarks on 
 
 the Battle, 157 
 
 LVi. Spades are Trumps Refugee Stories, Rich, if not Reliable, 159 
 L VII. The Great Fight at Hand McClellan quotes the Divine Wil- 
 liam H. J. Raymond on the Crusades, .... 162 
 LVIII. " We are Whipt" The Army Holds Stanton Responsible, . 165 
 LIX. Harrison's Landing Visit of the President, who Exchanges 
 
 Jokes with the D. V., . .168 
 
 LX. Bitter Pokes at the Mercenary Politicians What the Soldiers 
 
 Think, 171
 
 CONTENTS. 9 
 
 LETTER PAGE 
 
 LXI. Horrors of Congestive Fever Almost Incredible Hallu- 
 cinations of the Disbanded, 173 
 
 LX1I. He Grumbles at the Result of the Peninsular Cam- 
 paign, 176 
 
 LXIII. Tne Army Advances Backward, but is Going to do Wonders, 
 
 by-and-by, 179 
 
 LXIV. Aquia Creek All Newspaper Correspondents (except the 
 D. V.) Ordered to Leave Union Plans for the Coming 
 Campaign in the Hands of the Enemy ! 182 
 
 LXV. Washington Probably Safe Lincoln Cheerful, and Mrs. L. 
 
 Salubrious, 185 
 
 LXVI. Confidential Relations between the Disbanded and the Pres- 
 ident, 188 
 
 LXVII. Things go along Pretty Nicely, under their Joint Manage- 
 ment, 191 
 
 LXVI1I. The Disbanded Claims the Emancipation Proclamation as 
 
 his Thunder, 194 
 
 LXIX. Honest Abe's Estimate of the Cost of sending 4,000,000 of 
 
 Contrabands to Hayti, 197 
 
 LXX. A Defence of the President, and a Specimen of his Unparal- 
 leled Humor 199 
 
 LXXI. Inconveniences of being known as Old Abe's Right-hand 
 
 Man, 203 
 
 LXXIL Proposed Theatricals at the White House Another Side- 
 splitter by its Gifted Occupant, 206 
 
 LXXIIL Perfect Harmony of Opinion between the President and His 
 
 Disinterested Adviser Their Joint Views, ... 209 
 LXXIV. The President in Caucus with the Disbanded A Possum 
 
 Story, 211 
 
 LXXV. Discouragements Old Abe Wavers, 214 
 
 LXXVI. The Disbanded is Consulted about the Message He Assists 
 
 to Get it up, 217 
 
 LXXVII. Mr. Stanton, under Pressure, Concludes to Open the " Bas- 
 
 tiles", 219 
 
 LXXVI1I. The Message Discussed Approaching Movements of the 
 
 Army, 222 
 
 LXXIX. Dash Across the Rappahannock The D. V. Takes the Re- 
 sponsibility A Palaver with Old Abe, 225 
 
 LXXX. Another Curious Confab with Mr. Lincoln His Resignation 
 
 Suggested Tall Talk, 228 
 
 LXXXI. The Disbanded Cauterizes Incompetency, . . . .231 
 LXXXII. He Commences the New Year (1863) in a Bitterly Sarcastic 
 
 Vein 234 
 
 LXXXIII. A Very Remarkable Conversation on the Emancipation 
 
 Act, &c., <fec., 237 
 
 LXXXIV. Trying to Ruin a Great Country Apology for the Presi- 
 dent, 239 
 
 LXXXV. The Disbanded Endeavors to Show that Mr. Lincoln is not 
 
 a Foo-foo, 242 
 
 LXXXVI. Hon. Gideon Welles Gets it Hot and Heavy, . . ,244 
 LXXXVIi. The Sabine Pass Affair More Brigadiers Fidelity of the 
 
 Disbanded to the President, 247 
 
 LXXXVIII. The Conscription Soldiers' Pay, 249 
 
 LXXXIX. Honest Old Abe & Co. the Strongest Political Firm on 
 
 Earth Pressure for Halleck's Removal, . . . .252 
 XC. Sketch of the President's Antecedents His Mild and Moth- 
 erly Nature, 255 
 
 XCI. Shoulder Straps in Showers Provost Marshals The 
 
 " Hard-Tack" Question, 258 
 
 XCIL Butler and Fry The Disbanded Poetizes Capturing a 
 
 Brigadier in his Night-Shirt, 261 
 
 XCIII. Sarcastic to the Last Degree, especially on Welles, . . 263 
 XCIV. The Situation Mr. Lincoln Declines to be as Funny as 
 
 Usual, until after the Fast, 266 
 
 XCV. The Copperhead Collapse in Connecticut Millinery Riots 
 
 at Richmond, 269
 
 10 CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER PAGE 
 
 XCVI. The Check at Charleston The Disbanded's Prophecy Con- 
 firmed, 271 
 
 XCVII. Things Look Brighter for E Pluribus Unum The Sacred Soil 
 
 Drying up, 274 
 
 XCVIII. A Ride in the Suburbs of Washington Dialogue with a 
 
 "Buckskin", 278 
 
 XCIX. The Chancellorsville Battle General Schurz's Division on the 
 
 Stampede, 279 
 
 C. Supposed Victory a Defeat Hooker's Retreat, .... 282 
 CI. A Talk with Abraham about Arbitrary Arrests, . . . .285 
 CII. A Cabinet Meeting Wonderful Wit and 'Cuteness of the Presi- 
 dent The Secretaries Floored, 287 
 
 CIII. His Excellency's Prophetic Wisdom Confirmed by Facts 
 
 Praying and Believing, ...:.... 290 
 CIV. The Father of Fibs at Work Contradictory Rumors The 
 
 President Non-committal, 293 
 
 CV. Curious Plans for Defending Washington Mr. Lincoln is not 
 
 a Bit Afraid, 296 
 
 CVI. The Disbanded is ReticentDeclines Telling all he Knows 
 
 Racy Talk with Hooker, 299 
 
 CVII. A Reconnoissance in Disguise Resolved upon by the Dis- 
 banded Description of his Disguise 302 
 
 CVIII. He Passes Through Many Perils Unharmed, and Returns to 
 
 Abraham's Bosom, 305 
 
 CIX. The Veteran gives his Opinion of the New York Riots He 
 
 Exults over Late Union Successes, 308 
 
 CX. He Hopes for a Speedy Peace, and a Reconstructed Union, . 310
 
 WAR LETTERS 
 A DISBANDED YOLUNTEEK. 
 
 No. I. 
 
 [Upon the whole, we are glad to learn that the Disbanded 
 Volunteer is to accompany the President-elect to the District of 
 Columbia. The P. E. will find the D. V. a safe man, and the 
 more frequently he consults him after arriving in the D. C., the 
 better for the U. S. As the D. V. will probably correspond with 
 the S. T. from Washington, and as the former is probably hand- 
 in-glove with A. L., we may be enabled, through his agency, to 
 keep our readers posted up as to what is going on in Abraham's 
 bosom. EDS.] 
 
 SPBINGFIELD, ILLAYNOY, Janurary 30, 1801. 
 JSddyturs of the Sunday Times : 
 
 I notiss that in answerin a curryspondent, you locat me in the 
 Centril Floury Kingdum, assistin to give the natives rats. 
 " Well," ses I, on readin the remark, " ef that ainfr purty kool, 
 Ime a teapot. Here," ses I, " lies the Britishers and the French 
 ben a plunderin the Chiny pallises and hairein ad libertine, and 
 line sot down as hevin ben a backin and abettin on em." I dont 
 purtend to be no grate shakes of a morolist, but you shudder 
 node me better n that. Onjest slorter is a serious bizness, 
 and Ive allus cunsiclerd the alliegashuns of the allies agen 
 the Chinees a shainful subterfudge. The real casus belly was 
 becase the Chinee dienasty sed the poppylashin shuddent be 
 piseiied with extract of poppies. They diddent deny that the pee- 
 ple was too thick on the ground, but they went ded agen re- 
 ducin the nashinal senses with lodlum. England, hevin the 
 drug for sale, immediently purseeded to give em fits, and bein a 
 Christian nashin, with all the mocldern improvements, she 
 Buckseded at last, with the help of Providence and the Hero of
 
 12 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Sulplrarino, in takin the Celestil city. The hull consarn re- 
 minds me of the latter eend of Fair llosymound, as was cut off 
 in her prime with a dillyterus drag. She was respeckfully re- 
 kwested to take her chice atween a pint of proosic assid and a 
 pint of a pineyard, and preferd the former. Thar was this differ- 
 ence, howsever, in favor of Rosymound : she got off with swal- 
 lerin the pisin, while the onfortnit Chinees hed to take the steal 
 and the pisin both. 
 
 It warnt the clene thing, eddytnrs, to mix me in with setch 
 disrighteous dooins. But, prehaps, arter all, you oney rnent to 
 wake me up, and get me to resoom my epistolary correspondence. 
 Ef so, let byguns be byguns. 
 
 I spose, on seein the date of this letter, you'll say to yourselves, 
 " What ken the venabul old cuss be up to in the prayery state ?" 
 Well, line on a speshil mishin of my own. line studdyin " old 
 Abe." He bleves in me, and I can tell you as much about his 
 idees as he nose himself, and mebbe more. I call on him every 
 day, rain or shine, and things he woodent open his hed about 
 to Thirlo Weed is freely disgust atween us. Ses he to me, the 
 other day, " D. V." that's his koncise way of shortenin my in- 
 cog, cognomen " D. V.," ses he, " do you reely think the hull 
 South will disune and secess ?" 
 
 " That depends, Lincoln," says I, for I warnt agoin to commit 
 myself too suddently. 
 
 He peered berried in refleckshin for a few moments, and then 
 remarkt : 
 
 " Woodent extendin Mason and Dickerson's line from Cape 
 Cod to Cuby satisfy em, or must it be the pairalel of 2:40 from 
 Conneticut to Congo river ?" 
 
 " Abe," I respondid, " you tork like a statesman, and wot's 
 better, like a United Statesman. The frends of Union look up 
 to you. Thar cry is curnprommis." 
 
 " Yas," ses he ; " it's all very well to say cum prommis, but wot 
 am I to promis ? That's whar the wedge binds. Here's all the 
 ultree-black republicans threttenin me with a gorilla warfare ef I 
 suckum to the South, and the South threttenin to jerk the presi- 
 denshil cheer from onder me onless I put it on thar platform." 
 
 " Lincoln," ses I, " the oney chanst for you is a middle curse 
 the just melee, as the French say. Dout buck agen Silly, and 
 dont get siwggecl on Caribadibs, but put your helium amid- 
 ships, and drop a little goos-greece on the ragin bellows as you 
 pole along. Ef South Caroliny chewses to sow the wind and 
 rip the worldwind, let her rip. Jest you be governed by thd
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 13 
 
 preposisliing of the border states, and they'll take keer the 
 Union issent clisconjuncled." 
 
 Snatchin my hand with considabul emoshin, wile a saft ex- 
 prcsshin cum over his naterally hard phizmahogany, the old 
 feller exclaimed, " Youre rite, D. V. I lecl youre rite I feel it 
 here," continued he, smitin his westcut ; " but ef I foller your 
 advice and my own inklingashins, I shall be stickmatised as a 
 doeface by all deer frends as wants me to take the bull by the 
 horns." 
 
 " Not a bit of it," ses I " thar bound to sale in your bote en- 
 nyhow, bein as Congress is ded agen em and they hevent no- 
 whars else to go. You jest cum out rayshinal in favor of a fair 
 cumprommis in black and white, and you'll nock the disrup- 
 shinists hyer'n a kite." 
 
 And I shuddent wonder ef he dun it. He seems to me to be 
 of a flexibull and cumpliaut natur, without mutch back-bone to 
 him but that remanes to be seen. 
 
 He studdies the Constitooshin aciduously, but hesent yet made 
 tip his mind what constitoots treson. He ses " aid and comfort" 
 is setch vaig frayseology, that he can't get the hang of it. I bleve, 
 liowsever, he .cunsidders runaway niggers seezable under the 
 claws tutchin fellers held to servis, and allows that the hed of 
 the guvernment should be guided by the fundymental basis. So 
 you perceev that peepul who insists as Abe hesent got beyond 
 his a b, abs, in pollytickle skience, is libellious no-nothins. 
 
 The President eleck wishes me to go on to "Washington with 
 him, which I hev consented, for I mistrust that sum of them 
 eastern fannytix will play Hale Columby with his prospecks, ef 
 he's left to thar tender musses, without a troo frend at his elbo. 
 
 Whenever I ken let you no wot's uppermost in his mind, 
 without a breech of honor, you may expeck to larn sumthin of 
 Old Abe's sayins and dooins from 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER,. 
 
 No. n. 
 
 [Our rough and ready correspondent seems to be having a 
 glorious time with the Star of the West, who is so soon to illu- 
 minate the national horizon. Mr. Lincoln cannot do better than 
 cultivate the acquaintance of that eccentric man, whose honesty
 
 14 WAB LETTERS Off 
 
 is considerably more reliable than his orthography, and who can 
 read human nature like a book, although he makes wild work 
 with the grammar and dictionary. It gives us pleasure to leam 
 1hat the President-elect keeps a stiff upper lip, in spite of the 
 portentous fog that lowers around him, but which we sincerely 
 hope he Avill see through. There is nothing like a cheerful 
 frame of mind in the midst of difficulty, for which see your " Pil- 
 grim's Progress", and when found make a note of! Any au- 
 thentic information touching the sayings, doings, dreamings, or 
 other mental, physical, or psychological manifestations of the 
 N. P. F., who is so soon to take the place of the O. P. F., will 
 doubtless be received with eagerness by an anxious world. 
 EDS.] 
 
 SPRINGFIELD, ILLANOY, February 6, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of (he Sunday Times : 
 
 I spose youve heern that the incurnrnin presidenshil incum- 
 berant puts out from this place on Monday next, to take the egg- 
 secative cheer at the sete of guvment. Not apprehendin enny- 
 thing serious in Merryland, he refuses a milentary escort from 
 his sucker and hoosyour Irends. He will travil as ushil by rail, 
 and with no other defensiv weeping but a maul and a wood ax. 
 It is understood that sartain paytryots as desines to sarve their 
 kentry under his patternage. and tharfor naterally takes an in- 
 terest in the sekurity of thar princypal, hes sent him a shirt of 
 male ; but bein a man of irun nerves and full of grit, he declines 
 the addishin to his wardrub, and will ware cotton next his skin, 
 in cornplynaent to the leadin staypull of the South. Ankshus 
 to identify hisself with the intrests of that rejin, he hes put his- 
 self on a strict regiment of South Caroliny rice and Louseanna 
 lasses, and is larnin to combust the Weed, in order to srnoak the 
 pipe of peace with Old Virgimry. 
 
 The post offices here doos a lively bizness on old Abe's ac- 
 kount. Eite in the center of the eddifiz stands what is none as 
 the Lincoln Letter Bin. It is about twiste the bigness of an orn- 
 ary hog troft, and six sorten fellers is continally pitchin inter it 
 nite and day. Mebbe it mought be discurridging to sum of the 
 orthurs of the missifs to no wot becums of thar stashinary but 
 I forbare. Suffisit to remark that the lines doosent allus fall in 
 plesent places. Being as frendly with the President eleck as 
 Demon and Pythiass, in the play, he sends me about hafe a bush- 
 il of letters every mornin, and I larf tell I cry as I run my eyea
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 15 
 
 over em. If, as Douglas remarkt to his mot'ier arter the peepul 
 squelched him, " the post of honor is the private's stashin," 
 Abe's flatterers and parricides doosent see it, for they all go in 
 for being public ossifurs. Frinstince, ail the littery fellers as 
 got out Lincoln Lives and thars more of em than ever a cat had 
 wants to be rernunnyrated for thar talons outer the uayshunal 
 puss. Over a hundred eddyturs claims to hev ben the fust to 
 hyst the Lincoln banner, and to hev waived it throo the canvass 
 and sported it at the poles with unflaggin zeal. Uppards of a 
 thousand Wide Awakes in New York and Philadelphy rekwires 
 a fittin recompence for thar onsleepin vigelense, and ninety 
 Lincoln Minnit Men in Boston lies petishinecl to be made night 
 watches. Evry male delivery brings scores of solicitashins for 
 first-class births, and ef hafe the demands for guvment pap was 
 complide with, the treshury woodent be long in a solvent state. 
 You'd be rayther tuck aback to see sum of the dockanients from 
 the big bugs of the party, full of the contemptablest kinder in- 
 derogatories, and meener by chorks than euny beggin letter as 
 was ever handed to you by a travelin mendacant. Sum fokes as 
 is cunsidered high-minded statesmen by the No-Nothins, would 
 be cut down suddently, and nuthin shorter, ef the nature of thar 
 aspirashins was genally none. I name no names, but its lucky 
 for sartin parties that Old Abe turned the manyscrips over to an 
 onabull man. 
 
 The incummin eggseckativ, altho aperiently firm, is of a comic 
 nater and fond of a joak. Sum considder him stiff and lofty, 
 but he lies no objeckshin to unbend when he sits down for a so- 
 shil evenin with a frend. Oridgenal cannondrums is his fort 
 Ses he to me the other night, as we was takin our old rye togeth- 
 er he drinks rye coffy and me rye whisky " D. V.," ses he, " why 
 is the hed of the nashin like no utber hed in the nashin?" I 
 tride to wurk it, but it was nogo, so I gin it up. " Why, you 
 donkey," ses he, "bekase he goes in for four 'ears." Purty 
 smart that, warn't it now ? I told him so, and by way of keepin 
 up the fire, axed him why he was like Robin Hood's coat. He 
 caved in on that, and I explaned that he was like Robin Hood's 
 coat bekase he was Lincoln green. He sed he couldent see that 
 or enny other man. Arter mewsing awhile, he inkwired if I 
 could inform him how he made his way to distinkshin. I re- 
 plide, " Prehaps by chanst." " No," ses he, with a smild that 
 shode his opin countenance to grate advantidge ; " I axed it." 
 And then he larfed till I thort he'd split. Rekiverin hisself, he 
 told me he'd got a fust chop riddle in his hed for Bucannon, and
 
 10 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 he ment to let him hev it on the steps of the Capitol, jest before 
 he swore in. " Spit it out," ses I. " Here goes," ses he, and de- 
 coned it out as follers : " Why is Abraham Lincoln likely to be 
 a silent president ?" 
 
 " Do you think Old Buck'll give that up ?" ses he. 
 
 " Ef he gesses it," I ansered, " his organ of farseeshusness is 
 bigger'n mine." 
 
 " Wall," he broke in, " I'll tell you why Abraham Linkin is 
 likely to be a silent president : it's bekase he intends to avide 
 openin his mouth onnessarily, for feer he should put his foot in it." 
 
 Whool say the old rail-splitter is a fool arter that ? 
 
 I bleeve I menshend in my last that the venabull flat boteman 
 hed invited me to accumpany him to the Deestrict of Columby. 
 We shall go throo Sinsinnaty, Buffylo, Albany, Harrassburg, and 
 Bawltomore, and mebbe drap in at Philadelfy and New York, 
 ef we take a noshin. Onless attact and disbursed by the enemy, 
 on the rout, we may be looked for at Washington about the 21st. 
 
 Ef you desire it, I ken keep you fully posted up in relashin 
 to Old Abe's sayins and doins, and cetery, which as he is at pres- 
 ent the sinnershure of all eyes, I spose will be interestin to your 
 inquizitiv readers. 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. III. 
 
 [True to his promise, the eccentric old war-horse keeps us post- 
 ed up as to the sayings and doings of the " coming man." Our 
 readers, who are well acquainted with the scrupulous veracity 
 which has always characterized the letters of D. V., and cannot 
 fail to remember the remarkable manner in which his sagacious 
 predictions have been, from time to time, fulfilled, will, no doubt, 
 accord that credit to his statements and foreshadowings which, 
 judging from the past, they fully and fairly deserve. EDS.] 
 
 COLUMBUS, February 13, 186111 p. M. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Times : 
 
 As Richmound ses in the play, " Thus far inter the bowils of 
 the land have we propelled without impedament." No rox on 
 the trax ; no fatil blunderbushes fired at us by suthern emiseries ; 
 no suttle pisin in the Hidesick and Mungoheeler ; no blowin up 
 with infarnal mashins ; no preconsarticl snake-heels ; no hissin
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 17 
 
 even nuthiu, in fack, but " Giv us yer hand, ole woodchuck !" 
 " Three cheers fur the Illanoy ripstaver!" "Make the chips fly 
 outer the palmettos, old hoss !" and other curteus expressions, 
 denotin a poplar fewroar in favor of the imminent sucker states- 
 man. 
 
 It is onnesessary to giv you the particklers of our rout, \vitcli 
 hes hen a mity triump. Everywhars whar Uncle Abe hes held 
 a levy, he hes ben visited by as menny peeple as could be wedged 
 inter the ruin. Nowhars hes he ben maultreated. His orashins 
 hes ben short, but moddist the nub. of em bein that he hes a 
 harder ro to ho than George Washington ever had, and that ef 
 Provideuse will oney stiffen his back-bone, and keep his hands 
 from blisterin, he intends to ro it out in full, and sow the seed of 
 cverlastin peas and plenty in the futer. 
 
 In this sitty, he gin his vews to the Legislatur with mutch ap- 
 plaws ; and at the bankwit this evening, at Guvner Denizen's, 
 he made a speetch witch sumboddy pronounst worthy of a Sis- 
 syrow. Never hevin heerd of Sissyrow, I inkwired whar he 
 haled from, and lamed from a yung lawyir as sot neer me, that 
 he was a favorit stump speeker amung the Rumniuns, who was 
 finerly murdered for party resins while on a jurney. I thort the 
 illushin ominus. We hed a fine band of mewsishiners to toot 
 arter the toasts, and as the incuunnin President konkluded- his 
 harang, they gin us, "Cease, rood Boreas, blusterin Railer," 
 about as strong as brass could blow it. Delikit compliment, 
 warn't it? He felt it as setch, and reethin his remarkabul fe- 
 turs with smiles, retired to his pillar to dream, no dout, of the 
 high post that awates him at Washington. 
 
 Airly to-morro mornin we start for the morril but bytoorninus 
 sitty of Pittsbug, "witch, I onderstand, is the smuttiest place in 
 the United States. On Munday, ef not afore, we shall sartainly 
 be in Albany, whar Thirlo Weed, who is to meet us at Buffylo, 
 will overhawl the inaugurole, iuterdooce the New Public Funk- 
 shinary to Guvner Morgan who is no relashin, I onderstand, 
 to Thirlo's former frend of that name and furnish a full pro- 
 grammar of the pollysee of the new guvment, with direck- 
 shins how to wind it up, keep it goin, and run the mashin gen- 
 ally. Toosday, I shall hope to tak you by the hand at the Astor 
 Hous, whar we expeck to hang out, on ackount of Dannil Web- 
 ster hevin ben perlitely invited thar when he exclaimed to an 
 ongrateful kentry, " Whar shall I go ?" Peeple as keeps hottels 
 seldum shose so mutch considerashin for exalted paytrotism in 
 distress, and Old Abe thinks setch devoshin oughter be encur-
 
 18 WABLETTEKSOF 
 
 ridged. Still, we may go sumwhars else, arter all everything 
 depends on Thirlo Weed. Ime told thars a peart struggil goin 
 on atwixt him and Horris Greely as to witch shall be privit 
 tooter to the new President arter he takes the rains of pour. 
 Mebbe both on cm may be mistaken, for the old feller stiffens up 
 amazinly. He's not hafe as week in the knees as I sposed he 
 was ; and arter he gits farely in the saddel, and his feet in the 
 steiTups, I shouldent wunder ef he cut up rusty with his would- 
 be gardeens, and relide on his own nolidge of the kuntry to make 
 a winnin race. 
 
 I spose evryboddy's curus about the Inaugurole. Well, from 
 the extracks the President eleck hes red to me, it's my blefe 
 that, ef its promulgeated in its present form, itul make consida- 
 bul of a splurge. Prehaps I am precoshus in referrin to it so 
 long afore the forth of March ; but thar can't be no harm in say- 
 in that it is aunty-coershin up to the handle. Ef the secesshin- 
 ary staits oney pay thar doos, and render onto Seizer wot they've 
 seized as doosent blong to em, they kin play outer the Union 
 from now ontil time iinmemoral, without ennybody attemptin to 
 interfeer in the fassinatin game ; but ef they air fools enuff to 
 dekline these eesy condishins, then thar ports is to be block- 
 headed, thar males cut off, and forces mustard to retaik the forts 
 by a salt. This aint percisely wot the dockyment ses, verb-at- 
 Tiim et let-Jier-at-Jiim, but it's wot the lawyers call the anymuss of 
 it. Youd think, mebbe, from the tone and tenner of this extror- 
 nary stait paper, that the liter plaist his hull trust in Provi- 
 dense ; but I persoom cannon, cutlashes, rifuls, and baganets 
 is mixed up with his relidjus confidense. I dont predicate that 
 the speech will be delivered jest as it reeds now ; but Ime purty 
 sartin that itul be in favor of collectin the revenoos and gettin 
 back the forts, and cetery, willy nilly ; and at the same time ded 
 agen coershin. As we air to visit Philadelfy, I shall reckamend 
 the distingwished flat boatman to ax a Philadelfy lawyer ef he 
 doosent cunsidder setch a pairadocks a ridickalus slip, and kal- 
 kilated to spile the hull consarn. 
 
 Wot sort of a resepshin is the Tall Son of Illanoy to hev in New 
 York, I wunder ? Sum of the party is afeared he'll be goost and 
 groned, ef nuthin wus ; but I've offered to bet he'll be taken up 
 Broadway in a opin bayrush, with four-in-hand, and all the 
 honors ushilly conseeded to illustrated stranngers. The wim- 
 min, without distinkshin of pollytix, will be at the winders and 
 ballconeys, waiving thar drygoods. Ime sartain of that. When 
 did they ever negleck the pockit handkercher bizness on enny
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 19 
 
 publick ockashin, wether it was in honor of a Black Rep. or a 
 Yaller Jap ? 
 
 You'll find old Abe considabully changed from what he was 
 when the litthygrafts was took in November. Just prevus to 
 leaving, he tuck his ax and went for a few days inter the woods, 
 near Springfeeld, to recuperate, and he cum back as lively as a 
 shoat in akorn time. He ses cuttin and cordin allus refreshis 
 his raentil fackiltees, and speshilly at that seesin of the year, 
 when the sap begins to rise. Doorin the last few weeks he hes 
 ben cultivatin whiskers, witch gives his visidge the asspekt of a 
 big hickory not with some moss onto it, and softens and releeves 
 the 'hardness of the outline. Arter all, the old wedge-driver 
 isent so humly as he inought be. He sartinly compares favably 
 in that respeck with John Tyler, whose extrornary beak was 
 wunst pinted out to me in the paroquet of the Richmond theay- 
 ter. 
 
 Hevin jest reseeved a messidge from the old man, to say that 
 he wants five minnits confidenshil talk with me prevus to goin 
 to his bony repose, I must dry up for the present, remainin, as 
 formally, Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBAKDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. IV. 
 
 [Lest it should be thought that our correspondent's letters are 
 slightly in violation of that shield of secrecy which should inter- 
 pose between the confidential intercourse of bosom-friends and 
 the public eye, we feel it due to ourselves to state that the Presi- 
 dent-elect has expressed no desire for the discontinuance of the 
 series, although three communications have already appeared. 
 Should he signify such a wish, we shall feel bound in honor to 
 comply with it. But we do not anticipate anything of the kind. 
 Speaking of his plans, views etc., he has repeatedly said he has 
 nothing to conceal, and we believe him. EDS.] 
 
 PHILADELFY, February 22, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of tJie Sunday Times : 
 
 Notwithstandin his onpresidented fateegs in your sitty, the 
 poplar woodchopper arove here in a tolably salubrus condishin. 
 Bowing continually to the vox popyoulie hes bent his neck and 
 made his backbone soar, but his privit fizishin ses that his vert-
 
 20 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 'bray is not injerd, and that some Pensylvany coal ile rubbed in- 
 ter the lumber regin will make liim as good as new. Not onder- 
 standin doctor talk, I can't eggzacktly get the abuv throo my 
 liar, but it's consolin to no that thars nuthin serius. 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln and a fine, harty speohnent of a hole-soled 
 western woman she is is delited with the attenshins paid her. 
 She s not overly pleased, howsever, with her picter in the 
 JTriboon, whar she figgers as a short fat lady with a turnup nose 
 and thin lips. I consider the description a liebill, and I would- 
 ent advise the reporter to p;esent hisself at the White House. 
 Bob Lincoln, the eldest hop of the Lincoln fammaly, is as lively 
 as a bird. Nuthin in yure sitty tickled him so mutch as Bar- 
 num's Mewseum. He ses, Finnyas and the big seal beats all 
 natur, and the hull fammaly is mutch amused and gratifide with 
 the grate showman's callin him the Prence of Rails. 
 
 Abe and me hes heel considabul conversashin about the resep- 
 shin in New York. He sed, this mornin, puttin his hand to his 
 furhead, " I shall hold the peeple of the Empire Sitty in grate- 
 ful remembrance as long as meniry holds her seat in this dis- 
 tracktid globe ;" and I calkilate he will. The old paytryit is iu 
 capitol sperits, and fuller'n ever of his joaks and cannondruins. 
 Last nite he sent for me to spend a soshil hour with him aloan. 
 I seen humor in his eye when I entered his rum. Ses he, as soon 
 as Ide ankered myself on wun side of a teeter tete, and him on 
 tuther ses he. " D. V., old possum, why was the demmycratic 
 pollytishins as wated on me in New York like sagashus wood- 
 choppers?" 
 
 " Dunno," ses I ; " mebbe bekase they brort their axes to 
 grind." 
 
 "Well," he remarkt, "they mought I never thort o' that. 
 But this is the anser : Bekase they keerfully avoided knotty 
 pints and goin agen the gram." 
 
 Bein onwillin to be sposed dumb in the commie line, I gin 
 him the follerin in return : 
 
 " Why was you and your fammaly, last Wensday, like the 
 diseased Mexican volunteers berried at New York with the 
 honors of war ?" 
 
 Arter cojitatin sum time, the venabul old codger venterd a 
 gess: 
 
 "Prehaps," ses he, "bekase the poplous tuck thar hats off 
 outer respeck to us as we past." 
 
 "No," I replide, "but bekase all your trunks was solemly 
 drawd down Broadway sumounted by the Mericau flag."
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 21 
 
 He smiled condisendinly, and remarkt that he was gratifide 
 to sec the flag of his country a wavin over his extensiv wardrub. 
 
 It being now the grate wedge-driver's turn to propound, he 
 axed me why a presidenshil inaugurole was like enny other au- 
 ger-hole ?" 
 
 I told him probly on ackount of evryboddy bein able to see 
 throo it. 
 
 He kinder winshed at that, but immediently responded : " Be- 
 kase its a bore ;" and I dessay he gin utterance to the feelins ol 
 his hart, for he's orfully eggsersized about that momentuous dock- 
 ament. 
 
 Hevin spent a few minits with his eyes fixt on the mirror over 
 the raantil, starin inter vacansy, he cum out with the subjined : 
 
 " You no," ses he, " Mr. Hazard, the gunpowder-man, as visit- 
 ed me in New York. Now, why is his privit residence as danu- 
 gerus as his powdermill ?" 
 
 " Mebbe bekase his wife's liabul to bio him up," ses I. 
 
 "Rong agen," exclaimed the farseeshus railer; "its bekase 
 both is equilly Hazard-house." 
 
 Bein now thuroly in the vain, he got off sevral more, noways 
 infearyour to the foregoin. ' 
 
 " When I leaned outer the Astor Hotel winder to bid the mul- 
 titood good-by," ses he, " why was I like an old Dutch house at 
 Albany ?" 
 
 " Oh, I no," ses I, "you hed setch a remarkabul stoop." 
 
 "D. V.," replide he, droring himself up, "you bark up the 
 rong tree so frekwently, that I bsgin to think yure next door to 
 a uiddiot. The resin why I favored an old Dutch house at Al- 
 bany was bekase I had my gabble eend'to the street." 
 
 " Wall," continued the old joaker, arter we'd flnisht our lart, 
 just wun more and then adoo. What aintshint eddyfiz do I 
 most resembul ?" 
 
 Imaginin he was on the same track as afore I sed, " the Tower 
 of Babble." 
 
 " Gess agin," ses he. 
 
 " Ho !" ses I, " mebbe the leanin tower, which I've heern tell 
 projecks beyant the senter of gravity." 
 
 " Gess wunst more," was the response. 
 
 But I deklined the responsability, adinitten the questin was 
 too deep and intrickit for my stock of gumpshin. 
 
 " Frend," ses he, looking as grave as a monyment, " the an- 
 shint eddyfiz I most resembul is Noah's Ark, for line farely at 
 sea, tossiu about at the massy of contendin elements and no
 
 22 WABLETTEBSOE 1 
 
 land in sight. I oney hope the fack similar may extend as fur 
 as the duv, the olive branch, and the ranebo of piece ; but at 
 present it looks more like everything goin to pieces." 
 
 The old man's face assoomed sitch a sorrowful aspeck, as he sed 
 this, that I felt it cum from the bottom of his sole, and with a 
 corjal squeedge of the hand we parted for the nite. 
 
 I hevent thort it requizit to say mutch about the publick glo- 
 ryficashins on our rout, as the daly papers will give you in full all 
 the nesessary details. Wot your reeders want is to see behind 
 the seens to konteinplate the Grate Western in his moments 
 of relaxashin. I intend, tharfore, in this serious of letters, to 
 present him as he is by natur, when the pollytishins isent a bul- 
 lyraggin of him. 
 
 The resepshin here was a doublycate of that in New York. 
 To-morrow, we shall reech the fedral terrortory, and my nex 
 communicashin will be from Washington. In the meenthne, 
 epluvius urum, and may we and our sun's suns behold this glo- 
 rious Union now and forever wun and invisibul. 
 Amen ! and yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. V. 
 
 [Our venerable correspondent, it will be seen by the following 
 missive, is still in the confidence as well as the company of 
 the new President, and. limns for us a very amusing picture of 
 the scene occasioned by the expose of the wonderful conspiracy 
 of so many " eminent bankers, merchants, and statesmen " to 
 postpone the inauguration by assassinating Mr. Lincoln. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, March 1, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of tfie Sunday Times : 
 
 When I rit last, little did I andizzypate that the grate timber 
 splitter would nex mornin be a rushing over the rails full split 
 for his life, and belevin as nuthin but bein ahed of time could 
 prevent his bein launshed inter etarnity. Mind, I dont say as 
 his magnannyniouse sperrit was decomposed by the prospeck of 
 his own hmnaside. Like Julus Siczer, he would hev gon to the 
 capitol accordin to the prograrnrny, regardless of cunsperrators 
 and thar dadgers. But Abe luvs his wife better'n Saezer luvd 
 California, and hens the old cock yielded to her eggsortations.
 
 A. DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 23 
 
 and aperiently shode the white fether. Evry boddy admits now 
 that the cunspurracy was a fish story, and that he fled from a 
 ahadder. The 'mount of it is, that sartain dimmycrats in Bawl- 
 tomore partickler friends of old Buck wanted to run a saw on 
 the railocrats, so they coined this bit of bogus jest to put Ginral 
 Scott on a false cent. The hull turnt out percizely as the joakers 
 ment it should, and the Merrylanders hevent yet dun shakin thai- 
 sides over thar waggary. " Lock's Moon Hokes " warn' t a suck- 
 emstance to this remarkabul suck in. 
 
 I did my best to perswade the illustrus wedge-driver not to 
 bolt from Harrassburg, and mought hev pervented the stampede 
 ef I bed bed his privit ear longer ; but the wimmen bust in upon 
 us, and swomped my argyments with a flood of tears. They 
 couldent hardly speak for gulpin and sobbin, and the hull burdin 
 of thar cries was " Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! he'll be ass ass ass ass 
 sass inated !" Never heerd setch an affectin corus in all my 
 life. I dont think I could hev sed no, ef I bed been in Old Abe's 
 place. But even at that meltin moment the naterally commie 
 biass of his mind shode itself. 
 
 " D. V." ses he, in a horse whisper for his vice was husky 
 with einoshin " D. V., why am I in the same perdickyment 
 now as if I was in the midst of the conspurrators ?" 
 
 I couldent figger it out. 
 
 " Why," ses he, stretchin his lips with a beuinc smile, " bekase 
 Ime overcum with menny weepins." 
 
 Arter sum refleckshin I got at the nub of the joak, and guf- 
 fawed slitely. 
 
 When the venabul Illannoyan gits on the commie trail he 
 follers it up regardless of everything. He couldnt stop hisself, 
 notwithstandin the glummy nater of the subjeck in hand. 
 
 " Ken enny of you tell me," ses he, " why Ime like a wheel 
 within a wheel ?" 
 
 Wun of the ladys subjested sumthin about his conneckshin 
 with the commonwheel. 
 
 "No," he resoomed, shakin his hed and winkin at me, "it's 
 bekase Ime goin incog." 
 
 Encurridged by the larf at this wittysissum, he put the ensooin 
 kwestin : 
 
 " What steps shall I resort to on the forth of March to show 
 the people my respeck for the Constitooshin ?" 
 
 Several of the wimmin maid reply. Wun said, " No cum- 
 prommis with the disannullers of the Union, Abe." Anuther 
 thort the best corse would be to invite all the leading traytors to
 
 24 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Washington, and string cm up to the Pennsylvany avenoo pop- 
 lars ; and a third sed ef old Abe would appint a nayshinal 
 wirnmens convention, the hull thing could be put throo in a 
 weak. 
 
 The distinguished cannondrumist explaned. Ses he : " My 
 fronds, the fust steps I shall resort to on the forth of March, to 
 show my respeck for the Constitooshin, will be the Capitol 
 steps." 
 
 I groaned laudably I couldent help it and, takin the old 
 man's arm, led him into the opin ahywhar he sun rekivered, 
 and became comparatively rayshinal. 
 
 The inaugurole is finisht. On Monday itul oney be wuth two 
 cents a coppy, but menny a specklater would giv ten thousand 
 dollars this minnit to hev setch a glans at it as I hed to-day. 
 Altho my tung is tide as to particklers, I may menshin that it 
 will make sartin ultry-black republicans blastfeem. It is not 
 flowery, 'but oncommon Weedy. Ef it doosent make stox jump 
 thars no jump too em. Don't be tuck aback ef you hear sreekg 
 in the Tryboon offis, nex dore, when they git its rneanin throo 
 thar har. I tell you, consillyashin's the wurd from the Capitol 
 Hill next Munday if it isent, you ken withdraw yure confidense 
 from me for ever more, Amen ! 
 
 I notis thars a hepe of gossip about the President eleck goin 
 the rounds, most of witch is liebills. Hevin kept a diaree of his 
 moovments for sum time past, I speke by the keard. The Dutch- 
 man as ses he emplies his hours of relaxshin in brushin his own 
 boots and takin grease pots outer his panterloons, doosent no the 
 Sinsinnatus of the west from a side o' lether. His ushil amusement 
 wen to hum, was to supply the famaly with wood, do the mar. 
 ketin, and pound beefstakes for breakfast with his famous maul ; 
 but the oney recreashin he indulges in at present is wittlin slivers 
 of white pine into minatoor rails. He wittles and reflecks, and 
 reflecks and wittles, and Avittles and joaks, and joaks and wittles. 
 The tutch of timber's necessary to bring out his idees. Setch is 
 the consekense of bein raised in a wooden kentry. 
 
 The petishins for offis under the incummin administration, 
 now on file, accordin to the kalkilations of a member of the 
 topografical engineers, would carpit the entire districk of Co- 
 lurnby, paper all the housen in Washington, and leave enuff to 
 make kites for all the children in the United States doorin the 
 present seesin. This is gratifyin. 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 25 
 
 -.,: ;'> '-., 
 
 No. VL 
 
 [Again our correspondent has been closeted with " Old Abe", 
 and again he has derived " chunks of wisdom" from his oracular 
 and somewhat jocular lips. "We are glad to learn that the 
 President is in health and good spirits. Rail-splitting and poling 
 broadhorns may be considered light and pleasant recreations in 
 comparison with the mental anxiety and the wear and tear of 
 temper which he is fated to experience. Our correspondent's 
 views of the inaugural are not those generally entertained by 
 the public, but he may be right, nevertheless. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, March 8, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Times : 
 
 Altho the inaugurole was slitely mudified arter I saw it, to 
 sweeten the ultrees, it is, upon the hull, jest as I said, a consilly- 
 tory commoonycashin. The koncludin sentence about " mystic 
 cords stretchm all over this broad land," is univarsally regarded 
 as a good wind up. The young ladees, I larn, is delited with the 
 passidge whar Old Abe ses he hes " an oath registered in Heven." 
 It puts em in mind, they say, of a similar remark in " Manfriday, 
 or the Wun-handed Munk," " The Mistress of Udolpho," " The 
 Castel Specter," and uther rumantic tradijees and mellow-dram- 
 mers. 
 
 Sartinly thars nuthin more alarmin in the illustrus wedge- 
 driver's inaugurole than thar is in what he swore to arter he red 
 that rigmayroll. He hed to take his Bible oath to sport the 
 laws, and that's purty mutch the hull nub of his anticedent 
 speetch. He couldent hardly be eggspected to say he intended 
 to perjur hisself with the sakrid vollum he was agoin to kiss 
 starin him rite in the face. 
 
 What'll be the end of it all the Lord abuv nose, and ime 
 blamed sure neither the fire-eaters nor the fannytix is in his con- 
 fidence. Bennett may purfess to see the course of subsquint 
 events, but then he thort he seen the French mishin when old 
 Buck came in, and yet it turnd out to be mere illusin. Wuii 
 thing's consolin : the man as holds the rains of guverment doos- 
 ent mean to go in on the spur of the moment. " Take your 
 time, Miss Looey," is the order of the day, and wot matter is it 
 wot the inaugurole ses must be dun, ef the periud of dooing it is 
 adjurned signer die. 
 
 The new cabbynct is in a state of sege. Chase, of the tresh- 
 2
 
 26 WAKLETTEKSOF 
 
 ury, onderstands the meening of his n*me now, ef he never did 
 afore. Its Chivy Chase with him, and no mistake. Thars 
 about two thousand men in Washington continally engaged in 
 runnin him down and worry in of him. Blare, the new P. M. G., 
 ses he bleves every slab-sided railocrat west of the Allagainis, 
 either wants to be a postmaster hisself or to put a frend throo. 
 You should see the strings of fellers at the department, waitin 
 thar turns, like applycants for grub at the alms-hous offis in 
 New York. Prayery wulves lies a hungry look in snow time, 
 bat thers a negerness in the visidges of these ankshus black rc- 
 publikens as takes down ennything in the famisht wild beest line 
 aa ever follered an outlyin trapper in hope to pick his bones. 
 
 Old Abe is salubrus, and thars no let up to his jocular vain. 
 The man that advertises in the papers to releev persons trubbled 
 with humors, would find him a noncurable case. I called on him 
 last night at the White Hous, arter bizness hours, and hevin ben 
 n a tite place all day atween sartain Sewerdites and sartain 
 Greelyites, he was determined to let hisself out. Enny wun can 
 see at a glanst when the old man eliquent is chock full of fun. 
 On this ockashin, farseeshusness was visabull in his onrestless 
 eyes and in the quiverin rinkles that played about the corners 
 of his expressiv and expansiv mouth. Shakin hisself up, and 
 flappin his elbose in the western fashin, he erode aloud as sun as 
 I entered his sanktum, and immediently arterwards asked me, 
 " Why Major Anderson was like a beest of burdin of the olden 
 time?" 
 
 Being taken unawars, I at wunst caved in. 
 
 " Bekase, D. V.," ses the funny old funkshinary " Bekase he's 
 a Surnter boss." 
 
 He expected the ushil larf, but I was in a kinder fog, and re- 
 Invested the lone of a dickshunaiy. Thar was wun lyin on the 
 tubel that he had used for the inaugurole, and on openin it 
 and findin the word " Sumpter," I rored rite out as in duty 
 bound. 
 
 Arter a moment's brown studdy he perpounded the follerin : 
 " Why am I like a fisherman ?" 
 
 " Mebbe," says I, " the solution is that your agoin to retake the 
 suthern forts with a hook." 
 
 " Dern the suthem forts," he exclaimed, rollin his eyes. " No," 
 he continned, in milder axents, " line like a fisherman bekase Ive 
 got Bates in my cabbynet." 
 
 I gin a slite catchynashin, and remarkt that he was also like 
 a fisherman bekase he was fond of a Salmon Chase.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 27 
 
 Deklining even to smile at my addishin to his joak, lie per- 
 pounded thus : 
 
 " Wots the difference atween me and that uther grate loomen- 
 ary, the sun ?" 
 
 " Well," ses I, " the sun's all light, and you look considabul 
 like a shadder. Is that it?" 
 
 " Try agen," lie replide, " your duller'n a stubbed broad axe." 
 
 "Possably," I subjested, "this is the distinkshun the hull 
 kentry is benefltted by the sun and it wont be by you." 
 
 " Your a gopher," ses he, " and if I warnt the best naterd fel- 
 ler as ever made a chip fly, I should be up a tree at your inyour- 
 enders. Cant you see that the difference atween the sun and me 
 is, that the sun raises in the Yeast and sets in the West, and that 
 I was raised in the West and am now a settin in the Yeast." 
 
 Injenus, warnt it ? But I dident see whar the larf cum in. 
 
 Thinken he was rather runnin the cannondrum bizness inter 
 the ground, I chopped round and axed him wot he thort of 
 Twiggs. 
 
 " Twiggs," ses he, " if we could oney twig Twiggs, we'd make 
 root and branch work of Twiggs. But ' as the Twigg's bent so 
 is the tree inklined,' and I spose this Twigg being bent rong 
 when green caused him to commit such tree-mend-us treeson." 
 
 At this pint he stopt for breth and new idees ; and thinkin it 
 a favorabul oppertoonity to git out of the woods, I made a bough, 
 and sed with his permishin I would slope. But I hed to take 
 anuther shot, afore the grate gun of the nashin would let me off. 
 
 Ses he, as he shuck me by the hand, " Why am I like a man 
 as hez dickered hisself off to Abadun ?" He sed this with deep 
 feelin, the teers mountin to his eyes, and iminediently added, 
 " Bekase, 1). V., I can't hardly say my soul's my own." 
 
 Feelin suthin kinder risin in my throte, for I knowd how the 
 old feller hed ben badjered by the contendin factshuns, I sud- 
 dently tore myself away. Old Abe's a trump arter all, and I'll 
 stand by him till his har drops off. 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. VII. 
 
 [The Disbanded indulges in a little pardonable egotism. He 
 certainly hit the mark in relation to the true meaning and intent
 
 28 WAS LETTERS OF 
 
 of the inaugural, and prophesied correctly as to the policy likely 
 to be pursued by the new administration, so that the self-com- 
 placent sentence with which he commences his letter may be 
 excused. He goes for non-intervention, and seems to think that 
 " masterly inactivity" will be the order of the day under the new 
 regime. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, March 14, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Times : 
 
 Just as I sed. Thar'll be no flatterysidall conflick. Anderson 
 cvackiates. The pill is bitter, but its better than intestine war. 
 Gallant Old Abe, artcr a tearabul intarnal struggle, hes starnly 
 detarmind to leave the suthern manyax a loan. Hevin no means 
 of putten em down, he seen at wunst it would be a grand coode- 
 tar to let em up, and he dun so. General Boweryguard's 
 posishin at Charlestun, espeshilly the floatin battery, bein onsale- 
 abul in enny kwater, in corse the most jewdishus plan was to 
 cum to terms. It is sed that the folleriu letter was privitly cent 
 to Lincoln, and was the hmnedient caws of the preposed sirren- 
 der ; but I gess it's ony a cunard as the French say : 
 
 Mr Lincoln : 
 
 SIR : Altho I look upon you as a fowl useupper, and the 
 American egul sreeked in scorn when you was induckted inter 
 the cheer of state, nevertheless, in order to prevent the fushin 
 of nuthern and suthern blood, and save the cost of rebilding 
 Fort Sumter, wich I could bio to blazes with my howitstirs in 
 fifteen minits, and also the funeral expenses of Major Anderson 
 and his rnurinurduins, whose fragments, ef found, a proper sense 
 of shiverally would compel us to tote to the toom with the 
 honors of war I say, takin all these matters inter considerashin, 
 and arter consultin with my staff, I offer the subjined jam up 
 terms of capitylashin namely : to abandun the wurks in ten 
 clays from this date, and Major Anderson to be made a Major- 
 Gineral in the suthern forces, or suffer deth, witchever is most 
 agreabul. Hopin to see the skins of all the enemees of the new 
 confederacy converted inter carpets for its frends to dance on, I 
 remane, with centiments of supreme contemt, yours, 
 
 BOWERYGUARD. 
 
 P. S. Depend upon it, Sumter's a bad egg. Better give it up 
 afore we shell it. 
 
 Coppees of the abuv is suckerlatm here, but line purty sartain 
 it's a hokes. Ef the President hed reseved setch a messedge he 
 would hev made a pint of onbuzzumin hisself to me. I think 
 he's rite, howsever, in givin up Sumter. A stronghold can't long 
 be maintaned by a weak-handed garrysun on nuthin to eat. 
 Fellers with no linin to the coats of thar stumrnicks is apt to
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 29 
 
 make a poor sho agen a forlorn hope in the breeches. Arter a 
 wile, I persoom the forts at Pencecoaler, Tarttugus, and all along 
 shore, will be guv up spontaneus witch is much bettern n 
 Americans makin mutton of wun auuther on thar ramparts. My 
 idee is to giv the rebil states all the rope they want. The more 
 they hev thar full swing and the sooner they 11 hang thai-selves. 
 When rebcllyun gits inter evry planter's britches pocket, itul be 
 a game more exhaustin than aniusin, as the bar sed when he was 
 larnin to dance Juba on plates of hot iron. Fitin the coitonoc- 
 razy s all gammon. Wen they find tharselves without a rap, we 
 shall hear yumthin " a uockin at the door." Then we ken say : 
 
 "Is that you, Sam? 
 
 Is that you, Jim? 
 
 Well, you luck purty sorry, so you may come in." 
 
 Oney let 'em severially a loan, and that'll be the eend on't. The 
 Richmound (Virginny) Dispatch, of the elevent of March, now 
 afore me, calls peeple as entertains these kinder noshins the 
 " Conservative-Union-State - Rights - Independence- Wait-a-little- 
 and-something- Will-Turn-up-Fraternity," I hev coppid the eddy- 
 tur's wurds and line kwite willin to take a standee in that crowd. 
 Masterly inacktivity is the best rnoov. 
 
 I notis the seesesshin jurnils is deth on omins. Braggin on 
 omins allers peers to me like wistling in a berrying ground to 
 keep the sperrits up. The Munguinery (Alabammer) Advertiser 
 menshuns a curus insident as omnebus of the sucksess of the 
 new nashin. You'll find it belo, jest as I dug it outer the paper 
 with my bowie nife : 
 
 "When the time had arrived for raising our banner, Miss 
 Tyler, with heart throbbing with patriotic emotion, elevated the 
 flag to the summit of the staif, cannon thundered forth a salute, 
 the vast assemblage rent the air with shouts of welcome, and the 
 people of the south had for the first time a view of the Southern 
 flag. Scarcely had the first report of the salute died away, when 
 a large and beautifully defined circle of blue vapor rose slowly 
 over the assemblage of Southern spirits there assembled to vow 
 allegiance to the Southern banner, rested for many seconds on a 
 level with the flag of the Confederate States, then gradually 
 ascended until lost to the gaze of the multitude. It was a most 
 beautiful and auspicious omen." 
 
 Thar's two ways of readin that suspishus omin. Sum mought 
 auger as it was a sine the hull consarn would eend in smoke. 
 
 Abe keeps a tolably stiff upper lip. I observe that the New 
 York Express ses he will hev his jokes, and pertends to giv wun 
 of 'em. It's a sickinen affare, and allow me to say entirely spew- 
 rius. The paper states that a gentleman heerd it, witch is ontroo.
 
 30 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 for he never joaks, now, with ennyboddy but me, and I coppy- 
 rite his cannondrums as he let's em out. Sum thinks he makes 
 'em up, aforehand, as Sherrydan did ; but I can asshure the pub- 
 lic they're all unpremuddytated and extruinpery. The followin 
 is his last. It dropt from his humerus lips not more'n an hour 
 ago. 
 
 Ses he, "D. V., why am I like Ginral Scott!" 
 
 Ses I, " Abe, bekase the same measure sutes you both say six 
 feet fore." 
 
 He lucked sevagarus, and snapt his teeth like a wownded wol- 
 vereen ; but sun rekiverin his ushil unanimity, he explaned : 
 
 " Ime like the Leavetenant Ginral," ses he, " on this ackount, 
 bekase Ime the hero of Chip-away." 
 
 By thunder ! that was sum, now, warn't it ? In coarse I bed to 
 guv him anuther, and I thort as he was a leetil riled, Ide make it 
 complymentary. 
 
 Ses I, " My vetran frend and pitcher, ef I may do myself the 
 honor to call you so, why are you like a sartain airthenware 
 rnannyfacterer as died in England nienny years ago ?" 
 
 " I cappitylate," he replide. (Poor fellow, he was thinken of 
 Fort Suinter.) 
 
 "Why," ses I, "semply bekase you're old Wedgewood !" and 
 not watin to receve enny thanks, I moseyed outer the presense. 
 
 Adoo till we meet agen throo the post-offis, and bleve me ver- 
 ashusly. Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. VIII. 
 
 [We are sorry to learn from the subjoined letter that Mr. Lin- 
 coln no longer displays that mercurial and playful spirit which 
 was wont to expend itself in jokes that set the table in a roar. 
 
 It seems from the statements of our venerable military friend, 
 that the head of the Government is quite chopfallen, and that the 
 
 " Quips and quirks and wanton wiles, 
 Nods and becks, and wreathed smiles," 
 
 which were once his peculiar forte, have given place to a heavy, 
 lugubrious, despairing style of pleasantry (or rather unpleas- 
 antry), such as a person might indulge in by way of trying to 
 cheat the hours of captivity of their gloom. There is a church-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 81 
 
 yard whistle in the jokes quoted by our correspondent, which is 
 more significant of grief and perplexity than tears and groans. 
 
 EDS. 
 
 WASHINGTON, March 21, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Times : 
 
 A negarness to save the kentry, without a president in the 
 annuals of our guverment, continnees to prevale. The presshurc 
 on the postrnaster-ginral is anormous. That's suinthin less than 
 thirty thousand post-offisis in the United States, and the number 
 of applycants is over a hundred and fifty thousand about the 
 sum totil of the British army to hum and abroad. Ef the guv- 
 erment Avanted sojcrs, Ime dubrous wether thar'd be setch a 
 thunderin rush of volonteers ; tho I persoom eenamost evry 
 candlelit for civil servus onclerstands rifle practis, and mite be 
 relied on for a charge. 
 
 The noosepaper fellers seem to be in good oder with the BOO 
 dienasty I mean, in coarse, that porshin as claims to be Abe- 
 ites died in the wool. The eddytur of the Currier and Inkwirer 
 was delited with his prospecks, and guv a shampain supper to 
 his fronds imrnediently arter bein confirmed for the Sublime 
 Port. Ef Seward was rayther hard on him wen Tom Marshall 
 shot him in the leg, thar's a good onderstaudin atwixt 
 and the old wound no longer rankles. I dar say Ginral 
 would make a fust rate plenipenitentiary, bein now as grare as a 
 Turk, and past the age for harem-scarem adventers. He would 
 find the Grand Senior, Addle-Mushead, quite an agreable hethia 
 when he's sober, witch isn't more'n hafe the time, unless he fol- 
 lers the teetotal rule of Mayhumit closter than he did wen I was 
 in Constaudinopul in 1854. 
 
 I spose, by the time this letter is in prent, Major Anderson and 
 his men will be ordered outer Fort Sumter, whar, in case of a 
 nite attack, they would hev to go it blind, thar ile, camfeend, 
 steerin candils, and lucyfurs hevin all gin out. The furnishes 
 for furnishin red-hot shot is also useless, as thar isent fewill 
 enuif in the place to lite a meersham, and they hev to do it 
 at noon with a burnin glass, and keep wun sentinel srnokin all 
 nite for the ackomydashin of the offsirs. 
 
 I notis as Twigs, the traytor, deklines a post in the suthern 
 army on ackount of his helth. His disorder issent spessyfidc, 
 but a lissishin here, who lies made a dognoses of the simptoms, 
 ses its the shakes. Sum allows as his liver's affected, and uthers 
 say he's so much debiliated that, if tuck prisner, the fateeg of 
 hane-in would be too mutch for him. Benedick Arnold fit artcr
 
 82 WABLETTEBSOF 
 
 he betraid his trust, but Twigs, bein of a milder nater, prefers 
 reposin on his lorils. 
 
 It greaves me to an ounce that the venabul Abe hes lost sevral 
 pounds of flesh senst he becurn President. He doosent cunsid- 
 der it a fat offis, by no means. Mercynary pollytishins is con- 
 stantly arter him with a sharp stick, bullyraggin him to that 
 degree that line purty shure he wishes he was back to Spring- 
 field, with his markit baskit on his arm, doin the famaly chores 
 as ushil. His face, as lucked so plesent a few weeks ago, gits 
 longer and longer evry day, like a baloon from witch the gas is 
 gradally escapin. And it is escapin. He tries to joak as for- 
 mally, but he finds it heavy mo win, and his sallies is frekwently 
 interruptid with a sithe. The fact is, his cabbynet is not 
 unanyinuss. It warn't never likely that Seward and Chase 
 would hitch hosses together, and I onderstand they're as much 
 posed to wun anuther, on sartain pints, as the two Ann Tipo- 
 dees. They say as Chase is for applyin the argumentim ad hom- 
 iny to the seeseshinists at wunst, wile Seward goes for givin em 
 time, in hops they'll see theyre error, and acknollidge the corn. 
 
 Atween the two, the venabul hed of the nashin is purty nye 
 distracted, and ef it warn't for dodging the pollytishins now and 
 then to spend a soshil hour with a sartain blunt old sojer, I think 
 his mind would becum deceased. He still indulges in cannon- 
 drums and dubble intenders, but they* are chefely of a melon- 
 colic and ruefool natur. Frinstance, as we was sittin together 
 last nite in his privit sanktum witch is labeled outside, " No 
 admittence except in case of fire," to keep out offis beggars ses 
 he, " Disbanded, why ort I to take lessons of Mr. Rarey ?" 
 
 " I'l go to Jerewsalem ef I no," ses I, cherfully, " onless you 
 want to make a Rarey sho of yourself." 
 
 "No, old hoss," replide he, sloly, "that's not the ticket. It's 
 bekase he mought teach me how to manidge my onrooly Crew, 
 sir." 
 
 " Yaas," ses I, " but thars consiclabul difference atween tamin 
 wun vishus critter, and brakin in a hull team and sevral big 
 dogs onder the wagon." 
 
 " It's too true," he remarkt, and elapsed inter glumuiy 
 silence. 
 
 "VVakin up arter a wile, he axed me why " he was like 'the 
 Ohio River in a drouth ?" I sed, "ilebbe bukase he was runnin 
 emptyins.'' He dident take a fence at the remark, but good- 
 naterdly told me to stop my raillery and try agin. 
 
 I axed him " Was it bekase he was shallow ?" At witch he
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 83 
 
 smiled moanfully, and sed the solushin was that he was " down 
 in the mouth." 
 
 Then we got torking about the prospecks ahed, and I inkwired 
 cf he thort it possabul to ockupy and possess, and ceteiy, the 
 forts and uther guverment real estate in the fur South, as pre- 
 meditated in the inaugurole ? He offered no verhial reply, but 
 making a dubble spred egul of his hands, he sollemly brort em 
 to a level with his probossis, and ef I no ennything about the 
 langwidge of sines that means " over the left." Depend upon it, 
 onless an axidental collushin takes place sumwhars, thar'll be no 
 bludshed, and I no from relieabul orthority that Mr. Seward 
 entcrtanes the most sangwinary cxpectashins of bringin things 
 to a peaceful issoo. That all difficulties may be overcurn and 
 the republic renderd wunst more "wun and insuperable,-' is 
 the strong hop of 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. IX. 
 
 ["We have an idea that the President and the Disbanded are 
 not on the same terms of confidential intimacy as formerly. 
 Perhaps the Cabinet officers, jealous of the influence of our old 
 friend with honest Abe, have managed to estrange them. It is 
 evident, from the concluding portion of the veteran's letter, that 
 there is, at present, but little intercourse between them. As the 
 Disbanded leaves Washington for the North in a few days, this 
 letter will wind up his correspondence for the time being. Stir- 
 ring events may again bring him before the public ; but, in the 
 meantime, like Hamet and Lord Byron, he gives his pen a 
 holiday. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, April 4, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Times : 
 
 The sege of the Wite House and the departments by the 
 republickin mercynarys is taperin down. Most of the hevvy 
 plunder lies been sacked, and the leadin freebooters hes shuck the 
 dust from thar feet and gon off to step inter the shoos of thar 
 kicked out and resigned prettycessors. Some of the furrin envys, 
 2*
 
 H WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 howsever, is onavidably detancd ontil they kin ingage intur- 
 preters aad translaters, wile uthers is reddy to start at the wurd, 
 relyin semply on that French vogabbeleries. I persoom the 
 appintment of Mr. Hirem Blarney, the oncumprommising abe- 
 lishinest, to the New York collectorship, will give onallied sat- 
 isfackshin to Lied Garrison, Wentill Fillips, Abby Fulsome, and 
 cetery, and perdooce a " more perfeck Union " atween the anty- 
 slavery and the republickin forces. Ef I don't m'si-emember, 
 the noo recumbent of the collectorship bed a slite skrimmidge 
 with the magnannymous Marshil Isaiah Kineders, sum munths 
 senst, and that's all I no about his antycedents. Howsever, 
 mutch as I admire the sumwot peppery, tho eggsalted, carrickter 
 of the late marshil, I bleve, to tell the scripter trooth, that Isaiah 
 was all-firedly in the wrong. Thar pears to be a strong biass in 
 favor of abelishinisrn in sartain offishal kwarters, and I'me 
 inklined to think the wooly boss is the favorit hobby of more'n 
 wun member of the administrashin. I'me afeard he'll proove a 
 wus speckylashun to Chase & Co. then he did to Barnuin. 
 
 All the cabbynet is more or less in a cold swet about the Moral 
 Tariff, being confidenshally advised by relieable houses in New 
 York, that ef the provishins is can-id out, the hull city must 
 starve. Wun letter states that an offer hes been made by a famus 
 market gardner to lease Broadway for the cultivashin of spar- 
 row-grass, and that all the Atlantic steamers is to be sold to 
 Charleston merchants ; but this, I hope, is a cunard. It is not to 
 be denide, howsever, that the noo revenoo law is a terabul bio 
 rite in the face and eyes of Northern commerce, and evry 
 nurtherner that voted for it, when the eyes and nose was called 
 in the Sennit and the House, dun a sooisidal act. It's an ever- 
 lastin pitty that Mr. Buchanan ever put his fist to it. 
 
 An extree seshin of Congress ken aloan help the North outer 
 the skrape, and I profesy the administrashin'll hev to call wun, 
 wotever the Triboon cleek may say to the contrary. I spose, 
 from the edytorals in that paper, as Greeley bleves the Moral 
 Tariff will coin money from the jump, and that his coajewter 
 Daney expecks it will yield a shower of gold ; but ef it doos, by 
 Jewpeter ! the nuggets won't fall your side of Mason & Dixon's 
 line. The high dooties is a trump keard for the South, and 
 every Suthern importer from Norfolk to New Orleans is larfing 
 in thar sleeves to think how nicely black republickism is cuttin 
 the throte of Northern trade. 
 
 I hevent seen mutch lately of the venabul trafortanit at the bed 
 of the Government. He joaks no more. The last remark he made
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 35 
 
 to me that hed a tutcli of liumor inter it was, that the way evry- 
 
 thing was goin to tlic was beyond a joak. He is reely an 
 
 amabul critter. Ef he knew wot to do he'd do it, but he dooscnt. 
 The programmy laid clown in his inaugurole bothers him. He 
 ken no more carry it out than he ken split Plimouth Rock inter 
 fence-rails with a jack-knife. The oney thing for him to do is to 
 yeeld peacefully to suckemstances, and ef the ultree black repub- 
 lickins would stop bullyraggin him, he'd do it. Wun thing's cler 
 enuff, matters kant long remane in statue co. It's either fite or fall- 
 back, and noboddy here would be suprised at enny minnit to 
 hear of a bluddy skrimmidge. For my sheer, Ime hartily sick 
 of the pint-no-pint game as the Guvernment is playin. Ive dun 
 all I could to indooce President Abe to put his foot down Jacksin 
 fashin, and take a persislrin of sum sort, rite or rong. But its no 
 use. He seems oncapabul of rnakin up his mind. Ive a kinder 
 likin for the onhappy old funkshinary but what ken I do ? I'll 
 hev to leave him to the tender mercies of his cabbynet. Proba- 
 bly I shall return to New York airly nex week, and, onless sum 
 onexpected event takes place setch as the Government wakin 
 up, or its enemees goin to sleep you'll hear no more at present 
 from this latitood, from 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. X. 
 
 [The veteran correspondent of the press, whose head-is novr 
 white with the snows of nearly sixty winters, seems to improve 
 in energy as he advances in years. His late letters have been 
 even more remarkable for their dry and sometimes biting humor 
 than the productions which first gave him notoriety, here and 
 abroad. Those who remember his correspondence with one of 
 our cotemporaries, from California, the Crimea, London, Paris, 
 Australia, etc., will be glad to greet him again in print. To-day 
 he makes his first appearance in the columns oi the SUNDAY 
 MEBCUBY. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, July Forth, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 I wouldcnt reckamend my eggseggaters and legatease to ,bery 
 ine with milentary honors when I die, bekase the crack of the
 
 36 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 peaces would sartainly brake my bony repose, and I should poke 
 my gray hed out of the bowils of the airth like an old wood- 
 chuck, to inkwire what was up. 
 
 The flames of war drors an old sojer jest as naterally as a can- 
 dle drors a miller. As sun as the flare-up in the South cum- 
 menst, I kinder felt the soltpeter stirrin in my blud, and so puttin 
 a brace of Colt's in my pockets I flew to meat the horse steal 
 fo. 
 
 On arrivin here, I made a tender of myself to the Guvernment, 
 representin that I was no chickin in the sarvice, and almity tuff. 
 They axed my age, and I told em fifty cuttin off ten ears 
 upon witch wun of the chaps in the War Department a feller 
 as oughter ware a foolscap uniform with ink facins farseeshusly 
 remarkt that hafe a sentry was too much for a sojer. Anuther 
 sassy cuss sed they didn't want no old files in the ranks of the 
 new ridgyments. " But," ses I, " you want vetran offsirs I reckin 
 purty darned bad. Jest make me a kernel and I'll sho you how 
 to shell out the seesesshinists from thar ambushes toot sweet as 
 the French say." And then I told em how Ide chawed up the 
 greasers in the Mexican chopperals, and ben manured to hard- 
 ships and privashins among the canons of the Californy gold- 
 diggins, whar I was elected a major by the miners and fit the 
 Diggers Injens inter fits. Also I menshint the Crymean meddle 
 I reseved arter the famus battle of Blackallover, for takin a 
 Rushin battery with a rush. But it was no go. 
 
 Pollytishins and setch hed the prefrence over old war-hosses 
 and konsekens was that these no-nuthin sheep tuck our brave 
 fellers whar they got lammed rite onder the rebils ramparts, 
 and bucked em in ralerode trains strait inter the cannon's 
 mouth, whar they got hail Columbiad in short order. 
 
 Arter a few lively axidents of this nater, the guverment began 
 to diskiver as civil life warn't the best possable trainin for civil 
 war, and ofl'erd to make your frend the Disbanded a Bragadear 
 Ginral ; but I rode the high boss and deklined bein took up for 
 a conveenyance on the spur of the moment. When the Ginral 
 Skunk affair cum off, they was very airnest with me to take a 
 cornmishin, but I replide in the wurds of the man in the play 
 that I was oney " a looker on at Vienna" also that considerin 
 the conduck of sartain lummuxes as held commishms, I thort with 
 the poick that "the post of honor was the privit's stashin." 
 Howsever I volunteered to reckanoiter ockashinally for the 
 bennyfit of blind Bragadears and cetery, and when the guver- 
 ment was reseving all sorts of lyin reports about the strenth of
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 87 
 
 the traytors in the neybrood, I scouted thar outlyin posts and 
 brort in the truth from Fairfacts. 
 
 Tho allus willin to sarve my kentry, even in a miner capassity, 
 I don't crave emplyment ; for hevin shone in menny a bluddy 
 skriniinidgc wot sort of metal I am made of I ken afford to lay on 
 my ores in my old age. But as ushil I keep my wether eye 
 opin, and intend to wotch with onsleepless vigilants the current 
 of events, givin the Merkary, from time to time, the frutes of my 
 lookubrashins. 
 
 Thars considabal mixt up with this muss besides devoshin to 
 " the Union now and for ever one and insuperable." In coarse, 
 the vice of the people the fox popatte, as the M. C.'s calls it 
 is troo and honest, but thar's an everlastin' hepe of disintrusted 
 paytriots as wants to grind thar infarnal axes on the Union grin- 
 stone. I heven't a doubt as at leest hafe-a-duzzen risin statesmen 
 hops to mount like fenixes outer the ashes of the rebellyun inter 
 the Presidenshil cheer. You ken bleve as all these gentlemen is 
 a shutllin thar kcards with a single eye to the public intreests, or 
 not, jest as youre a mind to ; but its my bleef that thars a game of 
 dimond cut dimond going on among em witch interfears consid- 
 ably with the glorius game the people hes sot thar harts and 
 staked thar tAVO hunderd millyim pile on. 
 
 I hear to day, as our troops is advancin lively, and that Ginral 
 Patterson s corpse hes acktilly waded the Potomac ; but Ive 
 heerd the same report so menny times afore that Ime afeard its 
 oiiey a cunard. Onkwestinably weve got forces enulf in Merry- 
 land and Virgiuny to nock old Bowerygard inter a cockt hat, 
 and Davis' straits is setch that ef the current was to set agen him 
 for a week, he'd go to Davy's locker, sure. Our fellers is wulfy 
 for a fite, and why not let em rip while the steams on ? Thar 
 doosent seem to be no airthly reeson why U. 8., alliass Uncle 
 Sam, shouldent make short work with the 0. S., alliass the Con- 
 federit Skoundrils. 
 
 Next week, I shall, inebbee, astonish you with some privit and 
 exclusif intelligens, and in the intrim I remane. 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEK. 
 
 No. XI. 
 
 [The old militaire tells a queer story about the Jeff Davis letter 
 to the President. It purports to have been .derived from the
 
 88 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 highest authority, however, and may he received with implicit 
 confidence or not, just as the reader chooses. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, July 11, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Ime no ways sprised to larn as the grate boddy of the North is 
 burnin for a pitched battle. Bein detarmined to tred rebellyun 
 onder foot they naterally want no paws in the forard moovment 
 ontil the blow is struck and the objeck carrid out 
 
 But they oughter no wen bellyregents hes two diffrent eends in 
 vew, wun wantin to fite and the uther to fall back, the latter eend 
 is esily brort about by the retretin party. So far the Suthem 
 Shiverally hes not shone tharselves to be enny grate shakes at 
 feets of arms, but on thar pins they are oncommon lively, gin- 
 ally prefferin a foot race to a funeral. They ken run agen time 
 like kwarter bosses, but theyre all-fired shy of runnin agen etar- 
 nity. Sum ses thars no backbone to em, but our sojers ses its 
 wot they ginally hev to fire at in all skrinimidges with the enemy. 
 Mebbee thats why rnenny thinks the back of the rebellyun is 
 broken. 
 
 In coarse the daly papers hes made you aware that wun Kemil 
 Tailor has been on here with a sute of sum sort from Jeff Davis. 
 He brort a flag of trooce (witch was tide over his eyes on his 
 rekwestin to see President Lincoln) and a note from Jeff, witch 
 the President deklined to anser, so the Kemils misshin prooved 
 in all respecks a blind errant. Varus rummers is goin the rounds 
 of the Washington barrums in relashin to the contens of the 
 note, and the speshil inilentary curryspondents of the New York 
 dalles is so much eggsersized in sperit as to be onable to take 
 their whisky strait as ushil. They hev axed for informashin 
 at the White House and the War Department in vane, and are 
 fairly put to thar trumps to no wots on the keards. As is ginally 
 the case when the hull commoonity is in the dark, every body 
 purfesses to be able to thro light on the matter. 
 
 You'll be astonisht to larn, I reckin, that while the ornary 
 reporters and setch was nonplushed about this letter of Davises, 
 I got the sekrit volunteerily, without sneekin arter it. It happen t 
 this ways. Abe and me as the public is awar hes long ben 
 inthnit chums. We've crackt cannondrums together in Illanoy 
 and elswhars, and I sor his iuaugurole afore it seen the light, and 
 writ a programniar of it, witch as the public also nose wetted 
 the poplar appitite for the original. Wall, Abe sent for me last 
 night to cum and hev a frendly palaver with him, reiuarkin in
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 39 
 
 his comrnoonicashin that be had a speciment of old Mungoheeler 
 in the house as couldent be beat in Dixy's Land. Naterally I 
 went, for I know the illustrus Rail Splitter luvs me like a man 
 and a bruther, and and tho water is the oney licker as he drinks 
 and the oney licker as I dont drink, we allus set up our bosses 
 together amaziu soshabul. 
 
 The Venabul Statesman reseved me with his ushil curtsey, 
 and arter we bed disgust the wether and uther tropics of the day, 
 ses he suddently with a commick twinkel of his eye : 
 
 " D. V.," ses he, " hev you enny noshin wot thar was in that 
 missif of Jeff Da vises ?" 
 
 " Cuuiprommis?" ses I. 
 
 He shuck his bed in the neckatiff. 
 
 " Sirreender," I rejined, " and evrything to be as afore, or in 
 State you go as the lawyers hes it ?" 
 
 " No sir-ree," was the reply. 
 
 " Wanted to trade prisners mebbe," I subjested. 
 
 " Naiy swop," ansered the venabul chefe madgistreet. 
 
 " Alass !" ses I, kuite disannulled, "line no kungerer. If the 
 world bed to depend on me for penetratin guverment sekrits, 
 line afeard no pollytickle mistress would ever be laid bare. Wot 
 wus thar inter the darned thing ennyhow ?" 
 
 " Well," ses be, " you needent be descuridged at not barkin up 
 the rite tree, for Eddy Puss as riddled the spynx mought hev 
 shot as wide of the mark as you dun. But He give you a catty- 
 gorical anser. Jeff's letter was a challenge /" 
 
 " Wot !" I eggsclaimed, " Colts and coffee areglar dooill chal- 
 linge !" 
 
 " An all-thunderin wun," ses he, and then purceeded to deacon 
 out the dockyment witch I tuck down as ackeritly as I could 
 from bis 'tcllagent lips, as follers : 
 Honabull A. Lincoln, Sir 
 
 Havin ben onsufferably traduced by you and the hull black 
 Republikin pack, I demand pursenal satisfacksbin from you as 
 the instickejaiter of the liebelleous game. My aid a scamp, 
 Leftenant Kerual Tailor will hand you this note and fix time 
 and place and cetery. Chews the kinder weepin you wish to die 
 by. Ennything sutes me from Dalgrins to Deragers. 
 Yours inveteritly 
 
 JEFFERSON DAVIS. 
 
 " A big thing isent it ?" remarkt the eggseggatiff of the Nashin. 
 
 " A full hand at Jeff's old game," ses I, " two bullits and a 
 braggcr. Wot was your respons ?" 
 
 " Nary respons," ses he, " but I bleve Ginral McDoill told the
 
 40 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 messindger on his own responsability, that nex time he cum to 
 peck inter our defenses he should see em from an elevated persi- 
 shin, so as to be shure to get the hang of em." 
 
 You may depend upon this peace of inforinashin bein as true 
 and vorashus as enny forrarded from the Sete of Guverment for 
 menny days past, and Ime sartain its eggscloosif. So mutch for 
 enjoin the confidens of the President. 
 
 It would be waste of stashinary to send you reports of the 
 latest milentary moovements. No too of em is alike ; menny is 
 onprobabul and sum onpossabul. Pears to me that the Father 
 of Lize hes bruck his chane, and is endamnifyin hisself for bein 
 tide up for a thousand yeers, accordin to Scripter, by indulgin in 
 extree radickalers capers. In course you'll git all the latest con- 
 tradickshins by tellygraft, so I shant interfear with the wire- 
 pullers in thar mendashus bizness. I will oney obsarve that 
 the artifishil lightnin is as likely to blind peepul as the genwine 
 artikel. 
 
 Enter noose, as the French ses witch means " we shall see." 
 Enny wun as stucTdies the maps kennot fail to be sensabul of 
 Davises straits. He is in a bad fix ondoutcclly. Sum folks 
 thinks thars not a loop hole left for him ; but I think thar is 
 jest wun and it s my bleefe that he 11 run his long neck inter it. 
 That he may do so purty recently, is the airnest wish cf 
 Yours allus 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XIL 
 
 [Dr. Russell, the point-no-point correspondent of the London 
 Times, might take a lesson from our veteran friend, who says 
 what he has to say without fear or favor, and tells plain truths in 
 a humorous style that is amusing as well as edifying. He gives 
 the swindling army-contractors, etc., a dig under the fifth rib, 
 this week, and pitches good-humoredly into certain carpet-knights, 
 
 who 
 
 " Never set an army in the field, 
 Nor the divisions of a battle know 
 More than a spinster." EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, July 18, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerTcary : 
 As Ginral Scott's plans drors to a foecuss, the nayshin will
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 41 
 
 uppreeshiate the old War Egul's milentary talons, tho he differs 
 in his pinions from sartin fether-brained kwill-drivers of the 
 press. Owin to his forcsite Victry perches on our banners 
 everywar. 
 
 In Western Virginny rebellyun has univarselly throne down 
 its arms and tuck to its legs. The stamppcde of Roar and-Rim 
 was appropritly finisht at Saint George, whar the Georgyans 
 was put to the route, hoss foot and dragons, as the sayin is. 
 The shiverally wanted to vamose on the sly, but our boys cot era 
 in the Cheat, bruck thar right wiug and muttoned em ginrally 
 ontil they ran inter the brush to eskape a further lamming. The 
 retreat of the enemy was not kivered, and thar rare presented a 
 curus specktickle in konsekens of throwin off an onmenshinablc 
 porshin of thar wardrubs to fassillytate thar Site. 
 
 Providense seems to hev faverd all the moovments of Ginral 
 Maclellin, and his conduck commands our airnest prays. Rosen- 
 cranch also prooved hisself a sterling sojer at Riches Mountin, 
 and Morris crowned hisself with reethes of glory at Lauril Hill. 
 As menny sposcs the latter to be Ginral George Pea Morris, the 
 poplar author of a Long Time Ago, it is oney rite to state that 
 the hero of Lauril Hill and the poick of the droopin willow is 
 two distink persons and attatched to very different collumes. 
 
 The forrard march of the main army so long demanded in the 
 name of the publick by high privit Grecley, koinmenst yester- 
 day, but on makin inkwiry of Ginral Macdooill, I larnt to use 
 the eggsact words of that distingwished leader, that the rnoove- 
 ment was " due to the wisdom of Ginral Scott and not to the 
 brutum foolmen of the Tryboon." Sixty thousand men hcs put 
 out for Richmond. Old Blackguard Bowerygard sed our war 
 cry was buty and booty, and I rayther gess he'll be butifully 
 booted by our gallant sojers, who air all anxshus to toe the 
 mark as sun as possabul. 
 
 I hev it from a vorashus source that when alls reddy for 
 attacting Ilichmound, Old Chepultepeck will take the command 
 and put the rebils throo in person. His idee is to catch em in a 
 net and give em a seckind edition of the Hauls of the Monty- 
 zoomers. 
 
 Prisoners, from kemils to korporils, is in profushin. It is tho 
 entenshin of the Guverrnent to rekwest em to take the oath of 
 legions, and ef theyre willin to sware, to bid em go and sin no 
 more ; but if tuck in arms a seckind time they are to be tuckt 
 up immediently. 
 
 Sum further noose about Jeff Davises pirits is no doubt ank-
 
 43 WAR LETTEKS OF 
 
 shusly looked for by your shipmasters, but if enny hes aiyve at 
 lied quarters it has oney reached the privit ear of the Secketary 
 of the Navy. Ef that venabul old fogey hedent a ben rayther 
 behind the light house, the rebil craft wouldent now be at sea, mak- 
 ing siezeyours. He seems to me to blong to that class of keerful 
 fokes as locks the stable dore arter the mustang's stolen. Ef the 
 blockhead of the Missysippy hed been closte, the Surnter could 
 never hev got outer its mouth. 
 
 Thars nuthin speshil as regards the condishin of the army 
 here. The kwartermasters and sutlers continnees to swindle the 
 poor sojers as ushil, in their vitals and close. To look at sum of 
 the New York ridgements you'd spose that messrs Tagrag & 
 Bobtail hed gone inter the army clothing bizness. As the man 
 in the play ses " No eye has seen sitch scarecrows." I calkilate 
 thars over two thousand privits at the seat of guverrnent with- 
 out no seats to their pantyloons. The dinners of the volunteers 
 ginally is very ornary, and ef wun third of the army purvayors 
 was hung they would git no more'n than thar desserts. It 
 eenamost makes my bind bile to see a passil of rnarcynary loafers 
 and land shirks takin toll out of our gallant fellers daly bred. 
 Peeple say, but I hop without good ground, that thars an onder- 
 standin atween the kurnils and kwartermasters of sartin ridgy- 
 ments, and that they go shears in fleecing the rank and file. I 
 see by the New York papers that the State Committee on uni- 
 forms hes been puttin sum of the milentary tailors throo thar 
 facins. But wot do they keer, the ragmuffins ! " Committees on 
 uniforms be darned!" sed a clothing contractor to me the 
 uther day " let em rip !" The misabul locusses ! all they 
 think about is cabbidge. 
 
 The Honabul Abe, I rejoice to say is in fust rate condishin, 
 and cums out stronger'n ever in CaUemborcs, as the French min- 
 ister calls his cannondrums. 
 
 Last evenin as we sot smokin our meershams together konfi- 
 denshally on the rear terris at the White House, ses the illustrus 
 man to me, pintin to the Potomick : 
 
 " D. V., my friend," ses he, " why is your hed like the Long 
 Bridge ?" 
 
 " Eggspound," I replide, for I couldent imadjin wot the vena- 
 bul Nestor was a drivin at. 
 
 " Wall," said he, " its bekase its a wooden structur." 
 
 " Mebbee," ses I, when the larf had sobsided, " you ken tell 
 me why your nose resembles that remarkabul joalc o' your'n ?" 
 
 Rubbin his oilfactory organ as he ushilly doos when he runs
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 48 
 
 agin a reglar poser, he remained for a few minnits berried hi 
 thort, and then gin it up. 
 
 I explaned that his nose resembled his joak, bekase it had a 
 long bridge inter it. 
 
 He sed he couldent see it, and I tuck him to the big mirror in 
 the East Room, when he immediently acknoledged the corn. 
 
 Then he axed me what motive Ginral Skunk had for buckin 
 agen the Vienna battrees; but I seen the trap at wunst, and 
 replide a toco-motive. 
 
 We torked considabul about the prospecks of the camppain, 
 and both of us agreed that it must eend in the rebils bein com- 
 pletely discomforted and disbursed. We also freely disgust the 
 merits of the opposin ginrals, and I eggsprest my regret that a 
 bragadearship warn't offered to Cushin, as he'd a ben the very 
 wun to set onto Pillow. The President remarkt in his dry Avay 
 that he thort from what he'd heern tell of thar eggsplites, in the 
 Mexican War, it would hev ben raythur a soft match. I then 
 inkwired how it was Ginral Wool warnt ordered to the field, 
 and larnt, as a sekrit not publickly known, that setch is Ginral 
 Scott's frayternal affeckshun for that distingwished offisir that he 
 cant abear to send him whar thars enny danger. The luv these 
 bruthers in arms hes for wun anuther is sed to be ekwil to 
 Demon and Pithyass. 
 
 It is not onprobabul that afore this reeches you Patterson will 
 hev lied a turn up with the traitor Johnston. Patterson at the 
 last accounts was threttenin to give it to the rebils right and left. 
 God defend the right, is the prare of 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED YOJLUNTEEK. 
 
 No. XIH. 
 
 [Our ex-military correspondent writes, this week, under con- 
 siderable excitement. The old war-horse has heard the sound 
 of the battle-trumpet and he snorts and pricks up his ears. Hia 
 indignation at the mismanagement which he believes to have 
 been the cause of the late disaster, may not, perhaps, be alto- 
 gether rightly directed, though it is, probably, not very Avide of 
 the mark ; but, be this as it may, it is honest, and bespeaks a
 
 44 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 patriotic heart. Should he obtain a staff appointment, as we 
 trust he will, our readers may look for some tall descriptions of 
 the scenes of the battle-field. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, July 25, 18G1. 
 Edd'jturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 I sartainly bleve as the Deestrick of Columby ken raze a bigger 
 crop of lies than ary nuther ary of the same size outside of Tofit. 
 They grow in Washington spontanus, like musheroons, and 
 when transplanted by tellagraft inter the New York papers, they 
 take the shine out of Satin. Yaas, ef Lucyfur had a ben opera- 
 tin with the brimstun battrees of the bottomless pit and Sinbad 
 the Sailer hedfurnisht the reports, the two together could cut hev 
 held a kaudle to the flyin tails of our defeat, sent by lightnin 
 from this city to yourn last Munday. 
 
 The caws of our discornfortsure is as varusly reported as the 
 legind of the three black crows. Sum throes the blame on the 
 wimmcn and Members of Kongress and sctch, as went out to see 
 the slorter as ef it had been a theayter tradegy plaid for the 
 amewsment of the buty and fashin of Washington. Wun things 
 sartain, they hed no more bizness thar than a poodle dog lies at a 
 painter hunt. As mought hev ben andizzypated they lost thar 
 heds when the balls begun to wiz around, and the way they put 
 out was a cawshin to fast crabs. I don't blame 'em for that, be- 
 kase as the him ses, " It was thar nater too," but what rite hed 
 they in the muss at all ? Sum ses that when the paytint lethers 
 and pettycuts kommenst to run and holler, the Ohio ridgeyments 
 who hedent no confidence in thar leeder, Ginral Skunk, to be- 
 gin with simperthised with the uufortnit critters and started on 
 the dubblc kwick to overtake and pertect em, and so the stamp- 
 pcde bruck out. Uthers traces it to the teamsters who on bein 
 sot upon by the enemees hoss, turned tail and left thar waggings 
 ondressin tharselves as they fled and runnin like deers for bare 
 life. Wall, these is very purty yarns, but you kant ketch an old 
 war egul who was on the war path in Mexico and led two storm- 
 in parties at Sublastapool with enny setch chaff. Our forces was 
 misabully manooverd. Oney twenty thousand outer forty-five 
 thousand was brort inter the fite, ammernishin fell short and the 
 sojers hed no grub for more'n twenty-four hours. They were 
 eggspeckted to give the fo a bellyfull on empty stummicks. And 
 by the everlastiu ! they fit like tigers. Russell who was in the 
 Crymeah when we tuck the Mammyloue and the Mollycoff, ses 
 the New York troops was as steddy onder fire as the crack ridg-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 45 
 
 ements in the English and French forlorn hops. They never gin 
 in ontill nater gin out. 
 
 The fact is that every corpse under fire behaved like trumps. 
 Napollyuns troops dun no better at Sulphurino. But our men 
 was outnumberd and faintin for want of vitals, besides the odds 
 agen em bein all of three to wun. War was Patterson ? darn 
 his pint-no-pint tracktricks. I want to no ef he aint the Billy 
 Patterson weve all heerd tell on, as went dodgin about axin who 
 struck him and was allmity ankshus not to find the man. It 
 acktilly pears that the blind old cuss tellagrafted for reinforce- 
 ments to meet Johnstun, arter Johnstun hed formed a junkshin 
 at Manasses with old Boweryguard., What a misabul donkey. 
 And yet hees onably discharged ! Pollyticks ! pollyticks ! 
 that's wot manafactors basswood bragadears. Doos ennyboddy 
 spose ef Wool had been in the old Pennsylvany Foo Foo's place, 
 he would a ben lookin for an enemee at Harper's Ferry as was 
 forty milds off, buckin inter our troops at Bull's Run? Nary 
 time ! 
 
 The savidge conduck of sum of the Suthern shiverally doorin 
 the fite would hev disgraced Rushin Cassocks. They cut pris- 
 ners throats and sot the wownded up for targets, and perpetrated 
 thar bleedin boddies throo and throo with bullits in the aggernees 
 of deth ! Ef that's thar game thar dark deeds must be rekwited 
 by lettin daylite inter em in the same fashin. Setch feinds 
 desarve hafe a yard of steel apeace and nuthin shorter when they 
 cry for kwarters. 
 
 Thehonable Abe was kinder tuck aback when the fust squod 
 of mendashus fudgetives cum bustin in. Subseqnintly he rekiv- 
 ered his presents of mind and sent his valley to Capitol Hill to 
 luck for me. I never was node to desart a comraid in a bad box, 
 so I made tracks immediently for the White House. 
 
 " D. V.," ses Mr. Lincoln, puttin his arm throo mine as sun as 
 I cum in, " this noos rayther decomposes me ; wots to be dun ? 
 Accordin to the tung of rummer we are lickt." 
 
 " My Presidenshil frend," ses I, " we may be lickt but we air 
 not chawed up. I suspeck considabul of this . story is fig- 
 dishus." 
 
 " I predicate your rite," he remarkt, " but a steemer sails to 
 morrer and the morril effeck in Yourip will be wus'n the tariff." 
 
 " Darn Yourip," I replide, " we'll giv the rebils setch a harn- 
 merin yet that no nashin on airth will reckognize em. Afore 
 a months over we'll put em throo thar facins in setch a shape 
 that England'll be ashamed to countenance em."
 
 48 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 " D. V.," ses he, " youre a hull team and a bull tarrier atween 
 the wheels, in the way of razin a feller's sprits," ses he ; " you 
 never orter a ben disbanded. Wot shell I do spit it out." 
 
 " Wall," I responded after codjertatin a minnit, "jest send for 
 Maclellin and put me onto his staff." 
 
 The Venabul Cheef Madjestrit nodded his hed twyst, and winkt 
 wunst, so I persoom he entertaned my projeck. 
 
 Troops is continally arriving. The army hevin rekivered 
 from its fateeg feels like a bird and is a raven to hop wunst more 
 onto the fo. We shant be crowed over long, you ken swar to 
 that. It is sposed here that Ginral Lee has left Lynchbug in 
 sairtch of Maclellin's forces, a Lynchbugger rebel hevin tella- 
 grafted won of his frends to that effeck. I trust he'll find him, 
 for he doos Ime konfident he's lost. 
 
 Dont be downcast in the North, for depend upon it the upshot 
 will be the prostrashin of the traitors. In a fair shoulder and 
 elbo wrastle we ken giv em a lofty fall and no mistake. Trustin 
 sun tu see the Stars and Stripes wavin over the ragamuffins rag 
 I remane, wolfier'n ever, 
 
 Yours alias, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XIV. 
 
 [It seems, from the following letter, that the rebels on the line 
 of the Potomac have been put on short allowance of beef and 
 bread, and are deserting in consequence. Meanwhile our army 
 in and about the Seat of Government is becoming, under the 
 excellent regulations of General McClellan, more efficient every 
 day. We commend our Disbanded friend's epistle to the serious 
 consideration of our readers. It is one of the raciest he has 
 written. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, August 9, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerTcary : 
 
 I larn from a verytable sorce as bred stufls is amazing skarse 
 with the cornfedrits at Manasses, and as beef is meated out 
 to the men in allmity small chunks. Konsekeus is sum of the 
 flour of the Suthern Army is gettin wunny, and onless they air
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 47 
 
 better supplide with tlie grate staples of life tliar'd be considabul 
 bolting afore long. 
 
 Our spies report mutch sickness in the rebil camp. More'n a 
 thousand of Boweryguard's shiverally is down with the shakes ; 
 and the billiards as they call the billyus fever in Virginny hes 
 also prosterated menny as skaped the flyin balls. line sorry to 
 say thars ben a power of fever and ager payshints in our own 
 hospittles senst the commensment of the Dog Days, but bark 
 and canine brakes up the decease in most cases. The blazin tem- 
 pcratoor at this season is all-fired tryin to Nuthern constetoo- 
 shins, and severall of our cumpanies as cum here as fresh com- 
 plected as yung redishes is now as yaller as carats. The roasting 
 heat brings all the bile to the surfiz. 
 
 But the orfullest cuss in these diggins is the musketers. The 
 sojers faces wen they cum in from pickit dooty, lucks as ef 
 they'd ben sowed with fire and the crop was cummin up oncorn- 
 mon thick. Milyuns of the sangwingary critters rise outer the 
 slashes at sundown and charge bagiiet on evry onfortnit human 
 as chanst throes in thar way. Doughskin pants wont turn thar 
 pisind weepins, and when they attact the bare skin they make a 
 bluddy buzzyness of it and no mistake. A medicle frend of mine 
 ses he never seen such phleabottomy, but its wusser'n fleas a 
 darned site. 
 
 No sines of a forrard movement at present. Menny thinks 
 thar'll be no March ontil September. In the mean time the 
 seckatary of war is reddin the army of sartain puzzelanymous 
 pups, and puttin stanch West pointers in thar places. Maclellins 
 dizzyplin is likwise dooin us a good turn, and our troops will be 
 reddy to renoo the game whenever Simon ses wig- wag. 
 
 Desarters from the rebil camp reports as the noose from the 
 north bout our sharp shuters niakin thirty inch strings, has bed 
 a neckstensive effect at hed-kwai ters. Plumpin a ball throo the 
 oxiput at evry pop is cummin a little to near the bull's eye to 
 shoot the idees of the bullies of Bull's Run. When Jeff Davis 
 was informt as his effygee was shot forty-four times in suck- 
 seshin throo the dieafranie, at Weehawking, they say he was 
 tuck sick at the stummick and turnt as pail as ef he'd ben a goin 
 to kick the buckit. 
 
 I onderstand as Boweryguard, Jonstun and Lee hes sent sekrit 
 orders to a Philadelphy manfacterer for four bullit-prulf shirts 
 witch is to be smuggled South by female secesshinists oiider 
 thar onder linnen, the upper edges bein konsealed with lace so 
 as to peer like the tops of their shunmysets. I trust as a brite
 
 48 WAK LETTERS OF 
 
 luck out will be kep for em, for I don't want our sharp shuters 
 to waist thar powder and shot on steel corsets. Howsever 
 thars no call for em to fire at the toddy ; they kin aim at the eyes 
 as Old Put's men sighted the British grannydears at Bunker Hill. 
 
 Talking of female secessionists, thar infarnal tretchery is a 
 eawshin to Deliely. They air continally goin South with Nuth- 
 ern arms onderneath thar pettycoats, and criminal curryspond- 
 ence in thar buzzurns. We oughter hev a femmynine perlece 
 on Mason and Dickson's line, to sairtch thar wardrubs and 
 kompel em to make a clean brest of it. As it is they air little 
 better than locomotive maskt battrees. 
 
 Prence Napollyun hes ben the lion of the weak. He likes 
 honest Old Abe amazinly, and ses no wunder the peeple lucks 
 up to him, for he reelizes his noshins of a poplar president. 
 They hev hed a plesent time together and our venabul Chefe 
 Madgistrit hes astonisht his distingwished gest with a few of his 
 button-busting cannondrums. At the White House Bankwit on 
 Saturday his raillery is sed to hev made the cumpany larf till 
 they nearly split tharselves. On wun ockashin he axed the 
 Prence why French Love was like the rage for French Fashins. 
 
 "Genessee Par," replide the Prence drorin his hed down 
 atwixt his sholders like a skared terrapin. 
 
 " Wai," ses President Abe, " its bekase its a Gal-o-mania." 
 
 I don't see it, do you ? But they all rored Ime told, so I spose 
 it was a remarkabul wittyschism. 
 
 In coarse Napollyun hed to spit out sumthin in the way of a 
 rejineder, so ses he : 
 
 " My dear sare, vy shall you resamble Shackaspear's Reach- 
 ard ?" 
 
 The segashus statesman of Illanoay for wunst confest a non- 
 plush. 
 
 "Attenday!" ses his hyness. "You resamble Shackaspear's 
 Reachard, becos, you hop to conkare rebellius Eeachinond 
 aha !" 
 
 But noboddy sed Ha ! Ha ! in reply. 
 
 All suckemstances considered its difficult to say whether the 
 Prence's illushin to Richmound was intended as a complement or 
 a back handed slap at the late forrard movement. 
 
 Ginral Scott, who sot opposit the Prence onderstood it in the 
 latter senst, and by way of givin him wun in return, got off the 
 follerin : 
 
 " Why was your illnstrus sire like Jefferson Davis?" 
 
 His hyness srngged his sholders and gin it up.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 49 
 
 "He tell you," sea the Ginral, "why your illustrua sire was 
 like Jefferson Davis. He seceeded from the American union." 
 
 The Prence fanned hisself with the dinner keard and made a 
 horrabul grim ace, for he couldent help but see as the old vet- 
 ran allooded to the Patterson marridge. Howsever, he sun 
 rekivered, and evrything past off pleasently. 
 
 I wouldent be kwalifide that the foregoin ackount is correck 
 to a dot ; but I hed it from a person as goes evry wars and heers 
 evrything and tells evryboddy. Mebbe you no him. His name's 
 Jenkins, and he's considered reliable by all the members of the 
 Assoshiated Press. 
 
 I hev menny more skraps of informashin on hand as I should 
 be glad to send you, but as the mail is jest ready to start, and 
 post and rail waits for no man, I must postpone them till nex 
 week, remaning as ushil, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XV. 
 
 [The old war-horse appears to have been in a particularly bit- 
 ter mood when he wrote the following letter, but his strictures 
 on the daily press for affording information to the enemy are not 
 undeserved. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, August 16, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 The kee-koles of the guverrnent offices bcin stopt up, the deef 
 and dum allfibit interclooced as a mejum of konfidenshil konver- 
 sashin in the Cabbynet, and all evesdroppers kept outer the 
 adrninistrashin burrows, the rebels is deprived of the airly 
 informashin about our milentary moovments formally supplide 
 to them throo the speshil curryspondents of the New York 
 Daylies. As they depended on the Washington letter riters for 
 rcglar and full ackounts of Ginral Scotts plans, the meshurs 
 takin for cuttin off those gentlernens interestin tales is konsid- 
 ered a sore afflixshin at the rebil hed kwarters. 
 
 Senst the issoo of the crewil orders witch has curtalcd the 
 liberties of your paytryotic jurnils, rnore'n two hundred seesesh- 
 inists here hes stopt taken of em. Setch is the consekenses of 
 3
 
 50 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 milentary despulism! Giv my compliments ro the eddyturs 
 and publishers as hes ben compeld by suckemstances over witch 
 they lied no control to keep back informashin they couldent git, 
 and tell em they hev my airnest simperthees. 
 
 You air aware, in coarse, as I would be the last critter on 
 airth to giv aid and cumfurt to the horse steal fo ; but as line 
 iuformt as all the leadin seeceshers tends camp meet-ins and is 
 convinst of sin, I persoom they cloosent read Sunday papers, and 
 tharfore will be nun the wiser for any sekrit informashin corn- 
 mponicated to the North throo your collumes. I bleve I vilate 
 no confidense in estirnatin our vailable force in this city and 
 subbubs at 499,000 men, and I keii state as a positive fack 
 that as sun as this detachment hes ben increast by the forma- 
 shin of new ridgements to 994,000, a forrard moovment will 
 immediently take place in all direckshins. So far as the plan 
 of operashins hes ben made none to me, it is calkilated to 
 insoor brilyant and desisive victries at every pint of the curnpass, 
 arter witch the hull army will shake hands with the President 
 and instantly retire to privit life, each sojer receivin as mutch 
 land as he hes the face to ax for and a thousand dollars to sport 
 hisself and fammaly on, until the fust crop of hog and hummony 
 begins to cum in. Ef it meets the vews of Congress the wind 
 is to be raised for the sojers, by sails of confisticated Suthern 
 Cotton and ransurnming the Suthern Shiverally at 5000 a peace, 
 or less ef thar frends doosent considder em wuth takin outer 
 pawn at that price. Contrebands is also to be returnt to thar 
 nateral gardeens at the same figger if reckwired. 
 
 The blockhed continnees onsatisfactory leastways to our 
 side, but I hevent lamt that the South makes enny cumplaint 
 agen it. The Richmond Whig hes considabul to say on this hed. 
 Speaken of the harbors of South Caroliny it ses thar mouths is 
 open and private ears is runnin in and out with impewnity. 
 Not a Union crewsir is heerd on in Allbemaul Sound, or seen 
 from Cape Lookout or dredded at Cape Fear. Howsever if thars 
 enny truth in Welles the Navy Department is dooin its hull 
 dooty and haint by no means the misabul old pump as rnenny 
 sposes. 
 
 Thars ben a sevagarous muss it peers in the seccshers Cabbynet. 
 Seckatary Toombs told Presedent Jeff he wanted Washington 
 infested and tuck rite away, and the spiles divided, to wilch the 
 grate Mussysippian replide by makin a spred egul of his fingers 
 and pearching it on the eend of its nose, at the same time spittin 
 sarkasstically. Toombs immediently threw up the portfool of
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 51 
 
 his department, and left the presents grumblin, Jeff raisin the 
 toon of " Hark from the Toombs a dolefull sound, Mynheers 
 attend the cry", in honor of his absence. Senst then the distin- 
 gwished Georgyan hes gon and lested for the war as a South 
 Caroliny bragadear. I onderstand as Boweryguard and Johns- 
 tun, hevin an idee that thars considabul ol a puss in the guvern- 
 ment coughers is all-wulfish ankshus to sack the federal Capital. 
 Let em cum on. In the langwidge of the sellybrated Giural 
 liiley of Missoouri 
 
 " Come one, come all, this rock shall fly 
 From its firm base in a pig's eye." 
 
 Take Washington ! why it would be an easier task in caparison 
 for a Floridy wrecker to onlock the gates of Heven with the 
 Dubble Hedded Shot Kees. But all the rebel leeders thinks about 
 is plunder. To use wunst more the wurds of the forsed Genral 
 Riley theyre "a lot of spavined, ring-boned, ham-strung, wind- 
 galled, swine-eyed, poll-eviled, split-hoofed pollytishuns," as hed 
 thar noses in the public crib ontil thar warnt fodder enuff left to 
 make grewill for a sick grasshopper, and ef they could oney git 
 thar ugly snoots inter it agen, now its replenisht, they'd be as 
 mutch in thar element as a drove of shad-bellied shoats in a 
 rooter-bugger patch. But they kant cum it. They've got all they 
 ever will get. The nashinal egul sits pearched aloft outer thar 
 reech on the tree of liberty, and they ken neether skare him 
 with thar shootin iruns nor ketch him by puttin seeceshin salt 
 on his independent tail. 
 
 The fall of Ginral Lyon, in Missouri, is deeply mourned here, 
 but we hev the satisfackshin of noin that the rebel Jackalls was 
 druv howling from the field where they eggspected to feast on 
 the spiles. 
 
 I hed a short intervew with our venabul and farsecshus Presi- 
 dent on Munday last, on witch ockashin he axed me why this 
 Fall would resembul airly Spring. I reckwested hafe an hour for 
 considerashun, and he gin it to me, but I couldent git it throo 
 my bar so he was kind enuif to solve the mestiy. Ses he : 
 
 "This Fall will resembul airly Spring bekase thar'll be a for- 
 rard March in September." 
 
 Inie afeard he forgot, in his overflowin humor, that he was 
 revealin an important Cabbynet sekrit. 
 
 Ilevin uuthin further to add I sum up by remainin as. ushil, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 53 TfAB LETTERS OF 
 
 NO. XYL 
 
 [The old soldier gives the Washington rumor-mongers and 
 canarders a handsome wipe, and pours hot shot into W. H. 
 Ilussell. It seems our correspondent was at Willard's when the 
 Times' man came in from his Gilpin-ride from Centreville to the 
 capital, and the account given by the Disbanded of his panic- 
 stricken appearance agrees well with what we have heard from 
 other quarters. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, August 23, 1SG1. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerTcary : 
 
 Thars an all-thunderin site of old wimmin in the world dis- 
 guysed in maskline habillyments, and I reckin this intrestin tribe 
 of critters aint thicker around nowhars on the face of the airth, 
 than they air here. Consarn the varments ! theyre as grate on 
 awefool proffersighs as the Witch of Ender, and they raise Sam 
 with skary goneys as is soft enuif to be suckt in. 
 
 Jest now these crokin cusses is torken tharselves inter a cast- 
 iron swet on two tropics. Wun is that Bowerygard and 
 Johnstun is a goin to make a tearin attact on the Seat of Guver- 
 ment and tuther that England and France intends to break up 
 our Naval blockhed. Nuther story hes enny solid foundashin. 
 The rebel ginrals hes rayther less idee of pitchin inter us than I 
 hev of buckin blindfold inter a nest of rattlesnaix, and its eesy 
 to see from the claws about America in the Queen's speech, as 
 the Brittish Lion doosent mean to thrust his paw inter our naysh- 
 inal kwarrel. As to France, I larn from the Seckataiy of State 
 that the Einprors frendly perfeshins reseved throo Prence Napo- 
 llyontwo weeks ago last Saturday is konsidered bony friday. 
 
 I don't think in my own pinion tharll be enny hullsail fitin in 
 this regin ontil we opin the purseedings, and that'll be when 
 Scott &* Maclellin is reddy to sail in, and not afore. In the 
 meantime it would be a mussy ef the grannies in boots and 
 britches as runs around epinnin sensashin street yarns, was put 
 onder a rest and sot to mendin sojers stockens, darn em ! 
 
 What do you think of that times-sarving supersquirtical cock- 
 nee cuss, W. H. Russill ? They hit it to a frackshin wen they tact 
 L. L. D. to his name. Lies Like Darnashin, it stands for I cal- 
 kilate ; but the cocknee pronounsiashin, Hell, Hell, D. soots him 
 jest as well. The puzzelanymous critter ! I sor him when he 
 cum in from Centerveal arter the battel of Bull run, pantin like 
 a pup hound arter a bar hunt. His har stud on eend, his eyes
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 53 
 
 peered as big as sawsirs, and the greese was a dripping offer 
 him like the fat outer a barbacued shoat. He made the best time 
 ever heerd on from Fairfaets, and heddent even breth enuff' to 
 lie for ten minuits arter he arriv here. I was standin in Wil- 
 lard's bar rum when he rusht in, and of all Gods humans that 
 ever a skare tuck the starch outer, he was the limpyist and the 
 dunoverest. He shuck like a teeter snipe with the third day 
 ager, and ef it hadn't a ben for the five fingers of brandy the 
 bar-keeper pored out for him, I think he'd a bed a connipshin fit 
 on the spot. The hoss he druv is senst ded. 
 
 And this is the flunky as writes to the London liebilmungers 
 as owns him, that thar warnt a battry carrid, nor a bagnet crost, 
 nor a hand-to-hand-knock-down-and-drag-out skrimmage, nor a 
 desput struggle, except to git away, in the hull runcounter. He 
 seen nuthin of the kind, he ses. How in the name of partickler 
 thunder could he, onless his eyes had ben behint, for accordin 
 to all ackounts he no sunner smelt gunpowder than he wheeled 
 his rare to the fire like a shiverin cur on a frosty morning. And 
 the misabul sarpint shode his liebilous letters to the seeceshcrnist 
 leeders afore he sent em to his cocknee masters, it seems. He's 
 a sneakia spy, that's wot he is, the pot-bellied skunk. Ginral 
 Scott he* provoked the pass he gin him I onderstand, but that 
 aint enuff, he oughter be consined back to his English ovrnem 
 in a soot of tar and fethers. 
 
 The Christian Sosiashin Sabbath Committy as cum on here to 
 warn the guverment agin the onpardanabul sin of flaxin out the 
 rebels on a Sunday, left, Ime informed, with a flee in thar ear. 
 The Army Chaplins guv em the cold sholder, and the oflsirs ad- 
 vised em to go hum to thar mars and tend Sunday skool and 
 not interfear with milentary camp meetins. They axed the 
 President ef he bed no venerashin for the canons of the church, 
 but he oney winked his wether eye, in his ushil good humercl 
 way, and told em his fust dooty was to silence the cannons of 
 the common enemee. Finerly they shuck the dust off thar feet, 
 and made tracts for hum, thinkin, I spose, that retches as 
 would wurk for the salvashin of the kentry on the Lord's day 
 was little better'n the Hittites and other foes of Jehovah as got 
 Jessee in Skripter times. Now, my noshin is that walkin inter 
 traitors to God and man, tooth and toe-nail, on a Sunday, is 
 eenamost as acceptabel to Heven as dozin in a fashanabul 
 church but then I aint no orthority for super-sanktified fokes, 
 most on em considerin me (vewed in a relidjus lite) as a bad egg, 
 and in fack but little better'n an infiddle.
 
 54 WAR LETTERS OB 1 
 
 "We larn to-day as the seeceshers is strenthenin thar persishin 
 at Acqui Crick, and sum ses " Why doosent Old Welles give 
 era acquifortis ?" Simple civilians kant see the polysee of al- 
 lowin the darn'd theves to plant thar rifeld artillery all along 
 shore. They say ef the seckatary knew beans he'd shell 'em 
 out. But I tell the grumblers he's oney waitin tell the hull river's 
 fortyfide from Mount Vernon to the Chaseapeak, so's to make a 
 single job on't and fix all thar flints to wunst. Cummin as he 
 doos from the lyal State of Conneticut he must be sum punk- 
 ins, I gess, tho at present evry thing in his department seems to 
 be throne inter pi. 
 
 At lenth the bizness of snaldn traitors outer the guverment 
 burrows lies commenst in airnest. It was about time, fur they 
 was as thick and sawsy as the Coyotes on a Western dog 
 prayery. Sartainly the way skoundrils in offis hes been hunny- 
 fugglin and betrayin us ever senst the Fort Suinter turn-up, 
 beats Judas. I conseat thar never was a guverment on the 
 fut-stool kwite so owdashisly sold. Oney think of our extre 
 perleece as gits twelve dollars a week apeace to gard the city 
 agen traitors in war time, bein two thirds of em Jeff Davis 's 
 rebel cattle, while the mare hisself wares the seecesh collar and 
 drors in the same team. 
 
 Troops is porin in like an avalaunch and the array is as full 
 of spunk as a herd of mustang colts in fly time. Ef Bowery- 
 gard and his Murrnurduns thinks we owe em, let em dror on 
 us at site and we'll lickwidate in full. 
 
 All the heds of departments is as lively at catfish in a freshit, 
 and Maclellin works like a beaver. They are all kwite frendly 
 wen we meet, and Seward ses he larfs hartily over my letters, 
 tho wot he sees to larf at Irne darned ef I no, for ef ever thar 
 was a curryspondent in sober airnest its 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. XVII. 
 
 [The female spies get it this week, hot and heavy. D. V 
 favors us with a decidedly spicy letter. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, August 30, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 We larn from the buck of Genesees that man was oridginally 
 snaked inter rebellyun by a member of the femmynine sect. He
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 55 
 
 dident, hisself, pursenally as an individyal, hanker arter it in 
 fact it was Adam's Express wish to keep outer it, but Eve over- 
 perswaded him to go in and he dun so, and evry thing went to 
 blazes as mought hev ben andissipated. In konsekens of this 
 onjestitiabul act of hern, all kinder wickedness hes ben called 
 Eve-ill ever senst. 
 
 Aperiently sum of the darters of that, fast woman of antickity 
 inherits thar Mannar's taste for plottin treson with Abadun. 
 Not to spcke in pairabuls, pettycut puffidy is makin no eend of 
 trubblc here. On Tuesday last a Suthern lady of the hyesi 
 tun crost our lines with two hunderd wait of percushing 
 caps for the Nobs at Richmond. On Wensday the wife of 
 wun of the big guns of seeseshin was rested with twenty revolvers 
 cousealed in her rnantiller. She was spotted in konsekens of 
 droppin a Colt as she was steppin inter her carridge in frunt of 
 Brown's Hottel. Purceedin to her rum they sairtched the bag- 
 gidge and found in a trunk six duzzen Aircansaw toothpicks, a 
 plan of the Slashes and other artickles contrabrand of War. 
 But wus than all, three yung ladies from Louseanna was cort 
 yesterday in the act of couveyin aid and cumfurt to the enemee 
 in thar onder-linnin. 
 
 The way of it was this. Suspishin hevin ben directed to em 
 by a synonyrnus letter thar dry goods was seezed and on sar- 
 tain onmenshinabul garments of theirn diegrams was diskivered 
 of all our strong points in inwisabul ink, witch on bein held to 
 the fire cum out in blue and red, showin in glarin cullers the 
 treesonabul nater of thar desines. Wun of the sketches kivered 
 the hull sirfiz of a pair of ondeskribabuls. Washington Navy 
 Yard ockypied the legs, with a carricatoor Of Seckatry Welles 
 in the back ground, chasin, hafe a skore of clipper bilt craft, 
 in a Tiber Crick mud skow. Onderneeth the skow was rit in 
 Riunrnun karicters the wurds " LET HER RIP VAN WINKLE". 
 The captins of the clippers was represented standin on thar 
 starns with thar fingers and thuins purjected out from thar noses, 
 as ef takin an observashin of the Seckatry with thar Naval sex- 
 tons. This shamless liebill on the active and lively Giddyun, 
 Avas found at the bottom of the youngest lady's ridicule. Anuther 
 droring on wun of the misses stays, was a fac semele of Fort 
 Corkrun, with Seckatry Cameron desguysed as a Chatham-street 
 Jew, sellin seckind-hauded pantyloons to the sojers. Below 
 was this inskripshin. BEWAR OP MOUNTIN IMPRACTICABLE 
 BREECHES ; and in smaller letters " Behold the rale Simon 
 Pure." This sketch was dragged outer a dirty close bag. I ort
 
 56 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 to say these intrestin pettycut develupments is doo excluesively 
 to the New York perleece on dooty here, for the Deestrick offsirs 
 is a shiftless set of fellers and hes no more idee of the tricks and 
 subterfudges of female traitors than a ded drum fish hes of the 
 musick of the spears. 
 
 The wardrubs put to setch vile porpusses hes ben confisticated, 
 and -will be placed amung the curosities at the paytent olfis as 
 monyments of the lenths to witch the misgided South carries 
 its bellygerent projecks, and displays its hatred for sum of the 
 mitey sperits at the hed of affares. 
 
 A kind of pennytenshiary for traitors of the crinoleen per- 
 swashin hes been fitted up here, and sevral as would hev sold us 
 to the enemee hev ben placed in solentary sells. The objcck of 
 givin em separit berths doorin thar confinement is to prevent em 
 from layin thar heds together and hatching more treeson. 
 
 Ef it warnt that I've promest the illustrus old gentleman at the 
 White House to keep dark I could send you sum thrillin noose 
 about the eggspeedishin as sailed tether day from Fort Munroe. 
 It would make your harts leap ef you new wots a bruin, but 
 honor ses paws, forbear and I must lissen to her vice. I may 
 menshin, howsever, that altho the race is not allus to the fleet, 
 the operashins of the squodrun will not be slow. Butler is ank- 
 shus to dror the enemies claret, and ef Stringham cums acrost 
 enny private ears, they're everlastin shure to be cut oiF. In the 
 meantime, luck out for a heavy slap at the Suthern cost Pre- 
 haps afore this reeches New York, you'll hear of startlin fire- 
 wurks in an onprepared kwarter. 
 
 I suppose youve red Russills last liebill and the commontories 
 of the London Times. Isent John Bull a consistent pup ? 
 Arter yellin hisself black in the face agen nigger slavery, he 
 cums out flatfooted in favor of the slave-drivers. He has no 
 siniperthy for wool when he kant git cotton. His soul's in his 
 pus, and ef Sea Hand cotton was growd in Tofit, and its brimstun 
 shores was blockheaded by cherrybums, he'd go in for brushin 
 throo and ma-kin a comrnershil treety with the enemee of God 
 and man on the terms of the most faverd nashins. 
 
 Cam and undismaid the upright Abe maintains his elevated 
 and lofty persishin both as regards furrin interfearance and dum- 
 mesiick treeson. His reddy wit and satyr, onequilled senst the 
 ainshent poick Juvenile, convulses all as cums in contract with 
 him. Mrs. Lincoln who has been kept in a rore of lafter for up- 
 pards of twenty 'ears by his errisistabul cannondrums, hes, as you 
 air aware, gon North to recrute, and is at present inewsin her-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 57 
 
 self in the neybrood of the great Catarack. The fack that she 
 ken injoy the glories of natur and the gay and festiv seen at 
 Long Branch and Niagary doorin the present orful crysis, i? a 
 pruif that her celastic mind sores abuv nayshinal mesfortin and 
 is full of lively hops in a seesin of ginral glooin. 
 In the same cherful frame of mind I remain, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XVUI. 
 
 [Our venerable correspondent is somewhat desultory this week, 
 but there is pith and marrow in hi3 remarks for those who will 
 take the trouble to read, mark, and inwardly digest them. EDS.] 
 
 "WASHINGTON, September 6, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 "Wunst more the Merican Egul fixes his sorin eyes on the 
 Sun, and wings his suckling flight throo the bloo volt of Hevin, 
 sreekin Hellalooyou like an eggsighted locomotive. The seoces- 
 sion bray over Manasses lies ben compleatly choked down senst 
 we nocked em cold at Fort Hotterass. Dispatches from thar to- 
 day states as the peeple around is delited with the change and 
 considers our ockypashin of the Sound pro borio pamlico. I see 
 the Richmond Whig calls it a barrun victury, but I gess the 
 seven hundred triators as is now tastin its bitter frutes doosent 
 think so. Ginral Butler ses he never seen fellers so down in 
 the mouth. The offsirs keep a purty stiff upper lip ; but the 
 privits, who sposed that Commadore Stringem would hang em, 
 or make em walk the plank as sun's they got a board, hed teers 
 in thar eyes wen they gin up thar weepins. In coarse Ginral 
 Butler feels as proud as a speckled hoss on county court day. 
 He warn't slo, was he, in expressin hisself to Washington, with 
 the noose of the explite 1 He hes that wether eye of his'n on 
 the Presidenshil Cheer and no mistake, but the crowd pressin in 
 that direckshin is so numerus and spry, that Ime afeard his 
 hops will be blasted. In fack he hes about as much chanst to go 
 in and win as wun of Ben "Wood's Lottery Tickits hes to turn 
 up a Capital prize, or the North pole hes to be shivred with 
 chain litanin. 
 
 The rtfimner of Jeff Davis's deth created a lively sensashin 
 8*
 
 58 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 here, and much disapintment was felt on lamin that it was oney 
 the pirit craft of that name as hed gon under. Pity it hedent a 
 ben the man of mark insted of the letter of mark as went to 
 Davy's locker. Howsever they say he hes a fatil decease in wun 
 of his optickle nerves, which is sartain to carry him off kwick's 
 a wink wun of these days. But mebbe the story's oney got up 
 for a blind. Ef he doos go down to an ontimely grave Toornbs 
 will probly be his sucsessor, onless seeceshin caves in afore 
 eleckshin day. 
 
 Puffessor Low made an ariel vige from our lines tuther day, 
 and remaned in the atmostfear about forty ininnits. lie brort 
 interestin intelligents from the skies consarnin sum new rebel 
 forts below Alexandry ; but in my opinyun his forts is nuthin 
 rnore'n castils in the air. "Wile makin his observashins, the rebel 
 artillerists at Munson's Hill gin him a complimentary ball, and 
 he immediently cum down, as the coon did to Captin Scott, to 
 save further trubble. I suppose you remember the pufiessor. 
 He puffessed his intcnshin of rnakin a beeline throo the clouds 
 from New York to Leverpull, two years back, but it eeuded in 
 belyin publick eggspecktashin. Arter razin the wind he 
 deklined to go up on ackount of the Fall bein onplesant. Who'd 
 hev thort setch a bag of wind would ever take a high persishin 
 at the seat of guverment ; but war's like a skwall at sea, it brings 
 enny kwantity of bubbles to the sirfiz. 
 
 The female rebels in prisin here allows thar suiTerins is past 
 indurance. No balls, no consorts, no keards, no theayter, no 
 shoppin, no street yarns, no compliments, no flirtashins, no 
 chanst to pore thar sorrers inter the ears of simperthishi trai- 
 tors. A house was sot on fire in thar neybrood tuther night, 
 hoppin they would be abel to raise cain with thar gards, and 
 run away by the light of it. But it was no go ; the offsirs was 
 on the key veeve, and the bolt dident cum oif accordin to the 
 program. It is sed that Bowerygard hes offert to ransurn the 
 fare jail birds at the rate of ten prisners of war a peace, and to 
 thro in the Honabul Mr. Eely and other nun-cumbertents as 
 makewaits, but the guverment prefers the wimmen and declines 
 to dicker, witch renders thar predickerment ridickerlous. I feel 
 niitey little pitty for eni, howsever. Even wen it wares petty- 
 cuts I kaut say Alass for Treeson! And yet these female 
 kulprits hes sum caws of complaint, arter all, fur at the very 
 lime they was tuck prisners a sartain rank femmynine rebel here 
 was in the habbit of torkin seecesshiii to the guvemient funkshin- 
 aries tharselves without enny atteinp been made to captivate her.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 59 
 
 I seen this elegant and fasliinabul traiteress with my own eyes 
 figgerin at the party of wun of the Seckatries last week, and 
 makin herself as much to hum as Bellesbub did wen he played 
 the spy in parrydice. The marrid wimmen among the captives 
 greves purty hard about bein seprated from thar spowses, Inn- 
 told, but wives as act the part of Arnolds deserve no better'^ 
 to be deprived of thar Benedicts. In fack thar trecherus capers 
 is wus'n the miss demeanors of the young lady seccesh- 
 eners, bekase they no more, and hev more wait in the community, 
 and dident oughter to be so easily carrid away. 
 
 The enemee enkarnpt on the opposite side of the river is as 
 lively nigfits as Texas fleas in a greaser's blanket, and jest as 
 anxshus to dror blud in the dark. They hop by pickin off our 
 pickets from thar ambushes, and setch kinder sneaking gorilla 
 warfare, to git our army to make a brush at em wen they ken 
 take the advantedge. But they kant cum the spider-and-fly 
 game twyste in wun camppain, I calkilate. Wen Maclellin's 
 reddy he'll pitch inter em like a fish-hawk into a skool of moss- 
 bunkers ; but in the intrim they mought as well try to git a fox 
 outer his hole by torking turkey to him. Thars a rod in pickle 
 for em tho, and no mistake ; and when the time cums for usin it, 
 salt wont save em. Ef it warnt that paytryitism forbids, I could 
 tell you all the particklers ; but in order to make the blow shoor, 
 it is important to keep the fo from gitting wind of it. All I ken 
 say is, you'll hear sumthin clrap atwixt this and October, and it 
 wont be the Star-Spangeld Banner. 
 
 I continny to enjoy the confidence of the eggsalted hed of the 
 nashin, and am happy to say that my letters in the Merkary 
 witch is his favorit amung all the weaklies meets his vews to a 
 dot. He sissers em outer the paper regarly, and files em away 
 with as much keer as ef they was oflishal dockyments. As we 
 was ridin out together to the Chain Bridge tuther day to make a 
 reckannoysence of the rebel's wurks, he gin me a hull string of 
 cannondrums sum of witch I prepose to send you in my nex 
 epistol. You may consider this a speshil favor, for Vanity Fare 
 and Harpers' Weakly hes repeatedly applide to him for contri- 
 bushins in vain. 
 
 With airnest assperashins for the sucksess of tho good caws, I 
 rernane, as on prevyous ockashins, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 60 VTAELETTEKSOF 
 
 NO. XIX. 
 
 [The old boy is evidently disgusted -with the pacific aspect of 
 affairs at Washington. He loves a " skrimrnage " better than any 
 Irishman that ever trailed a coat through Donnybrook Fair, and 
 the smell of gunpowder is as grateful to his nostrils as eau de 
 cologne to a fainting dandy. He says he begins to feel " wolfish 
 about the head and ears," and it is easy to see from the tenor of 
 some parts of his letter that he is spoiling for a fight. If there 
 should be a battle at the capital, he will be in the thick of it, sure 
 
 as fate. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, September 13, 1801. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Three week senst, wen all the foo-foo letter-riters allowd as 
 Washington was in immedient dannger of a salt, I pernounst it 
 gammon. Peeple as bleves in the predickshins of the speshil 
 curryspondents here, must be at a loss for profits. Thar biz- 
 ness is to manfactor sensashins, and they make up thar artickles 
 outer hull cloth breeches of truth not bein considerd of the 
 slitest konsekens by these false tail-barers. Wai, the sete of guv- 
 erment lies not ben attacted jest as I sed it wouldcnt. The storm 
 hes not cum, but quiet rains. No wun can say wots in the wind, 
 but thars no simtums of hard blows at present. In the mean- 
 time everyboddy is on the key veeve for slorter evry mornin, and 
 goes to bed cussin thar blasted eggspecktashins at night. Ef it 
 warnt for pickit shootin and keards, the city would spile for 
 want of reckcreashin. But the milentary offsirs plays youcur 
 and brag, wile the privit sojers makes up little parties amung 
 tharselves, to go picket huntin by moonlite, and as the rebels 
 plunges inter the latter amewsment with all the ardor of thar 
 Suthern naters, sumtimes as inenny as five and six Gentries is 
 wiped out in a single night. Both sides keeps tally of thar game, 
 and up to the present time the insirgents is five privits, three 
 corporeals, and two sirgents ahead. 
 
 The gamblin housen here is to be shet up, to prevent em from 
 spilin the inorril principals of the army paymasters. Wun of 
 these innercent but veniursum critters hes ben onfortunit enuff 
 to be bled to the toon of a hundred thousand dollars, guver- 
 ment munny, at cut throat, witch Uncle Sam will rekiver about 
 the time that Faro's trcshurs is fisht from the bottom of the Red 
 Sea. The misabul man axes a suspeushiu of publick opinion,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 61 
 
 but I think publick opinion, cspcshally in the array, is raytlier- 
 in favor of a suspension of him. 
 
 Considerin the expense, it is thort by sum hasty spenits that the 
 war is etarnal slo, but I onderstancl that arter the Nayshinal 
 Fast, Ginral Scott intends to walk inter the sassy rebels allinity 
 rapid. In the meantime the guverment is dispersin over a mil- 
 lion a day without givin enny aperient check to the moovments 
 of the cnemee. Wun thing is sartain, namely, if we dont sail in 
 purty recently, Boweryguard and Johnstun will raze a muss in 
 Merryland. I hev it from a relieable gentleman not the ungodly 
 retch as tells setch sickenin sockdologers in the daylies, but a 
 honabul highininded spy as I keep for my own privit use that 
 the mane body of thar hoss, and the bone and sinner of thar foot 
 is on the upper Potomac, and as sun's they ken git boats the hull 
 raft will be over. My spy, who has the onlimitecl confidence of 
 all the rebel leaders, ses that wile they are makin faints in frunt 
 of our lines they eggspeck to give us fits in the rare. Enter noose 
 (as they say in Payris), ef they try that they'll find we hev em on 
 a string and nary loophole to creep out at. 
 
 The dirty little squab owl of the London TYweshesginanuther 
 hoot at us, I notis. lie's a feerce bird on a small skale, but his 
 talents isent sharp cnulF to hurt ennyboddy, and scnst he shode 
 the white fclher in turnin tail at Centerveal, and Ray let daylight 
 inter his liebils, noboddy keers a hooter for his skrceching. 
 Ime told he attribits the orderin of twenty-two thousand fresh 
 troops to Canady entirelie to his letters, and intermates that ef he 
 isent treated with the respeck doo to an eggsofishyo repersenta- 
 tive of John Bull, the Lion and the Eunuchorn will pitch inter 
 the Merican Egul quicker'n a greased thunderbolt. I hope no 
 vilencc will be ofi'erd to the little cuss. He aint wuth tar and 
 fethers. 
 
 The remark that puttin trust in prences is like leanin on a 
 brokin reed doosent seem to hold good as regards the Empror 
 of all the Rushes. His macljesty hesent disremembered Unkle 
 Sam's kind feelins tords Old Nick his imperial parient, doorin 
 the Crymean War, and he offers a wurd of cherful encurridge- 
 ment when all the rest of the crownd beds is larfin in thar 
 sleeves at our difi'erculties, and hopping airnestly sun to see us 
 on our last legs. All honor, I say, to the distingwisht JVIusstgo- 
 fight ! Success to the Musscoveys and Ime raal sorry, now, as 
 I fit agen the Zar's father at Inkaman and uther places on the 
 Black Sea. I was a darned fool to take up arms agen him for 
 John Bull, and I take this oppcrtoonity to make the a mend
 
 62 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 Its troo as neether Alegsuncler nor Prence Gartersoft, 
 puts the boot on the right leg in thar letter, but it shoes the Zar 
 hes a nobul sole, and desires to be on a frendly footing with 
 Yankee Doodle. Seward torked to some purpuss wen he called 
 it magnannymous. 
 
 Thar was a Cabbynet ineetin on Toosday, and I am informt 
 from a sekrit sorce, namely, the dorekeeper, that a varity of 
 meshers for bringin the war to a foecuss was disgusted. 
 
 The Seckatry of State thort that in the onrepressabull conflick 
 with the South the Lord was on our side, and he looked to the 
 grate Helper and the good Book for sport in all our tryalls. 
 
 The Seckatry of War sed that for his part he agreed with 
 Tolerant, the sourcaustic French minister, that Hevin was on the 
 side of them as had the most cannon. It was on that aekount 
 that Ginral Wool hed added 'Le Grand Cannon of Runslayer 
 county to his staff. 
 
 Ginral Scott who was present by invitashin smgged his 
 Bholders when the name of Ginral Wool's new a decamp was 
 menshint, and remarkt that b3in a feller of small caliber he 
 could oney be counted as a son of a gun. 
 
 The illustrus wood chopper of Illanoy was mutch tickled by 
 the joke, and slappin the Hero of Chipaway on the back larfed 
 until the teers cum inter his eyes. 
 
 Secktary Welles allowed that altho an old man, he felt the fire 
 of seventy-six stirrin in his vanes, and reckamended the addish- 
 iug of a few more seventy -fours to the navy. 
 
 Secktary Smith sed that the peeple in the Inteerior dident 
 crave enny more seventy-fours in that kwarter, but considered 
 that Twenty-eights and Thirty-twos would be much more sar- 
 visable to the kentry. Lively craft was wot was wanted for 
 the present naval blockhed. 
 
 The hed of the Treshury Department was absent, bein engaged 
 at the patent offis examinin a noo masheen for workin off Treshuiy 
 notes by means of fork litenin. 
 
 The conclushun cum too by the Cabbynet Counsel was that 
 the war should be persecuted both by the army and navy with 
 the utmost rigger, arter which Camerun sung the " Sojer's Tear," 
 and Welles " The Open Sea," while the President gin the ballad 
 of "Chivvy Chase" in honor of the great Western fineand- 
 shear. 
 
 I shoulclent be mutch sprised ef you hear by telacraft of a fite 
 atween Ginral Rosecranch and Ginral Lee, afore this reaches 
 you. My spy ses if thar aint a collushin atwixt em within a week
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 63 
 
 I may take his bed for a foot-ball. Howsever arter all thars 
 raebbe nutbin in it. 
 
 Hopin we shall sun pitch in, and giv the rebels a lainmin for 
 line getten everlastin wulfisb about the bed and ears I remane, 
 sevagarusly, 
 
 Tours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 P. S. The cannoudrums of our farseesbus Chief Madgistreet 
 in my nex epistol. 
 
 No. XX. 
 
 [It will be seen by the contribution from the White House in- 
 cluded in the following letter, that " Honest Old Abe" continues 
 to enjoy a fine flow of spirits under the heavy responsibilities 
 which rest upon him as Chief Magistrate and Commander-iu- 
 Chief. Our veteran correspondent is evidently itching for a 
 fight, and there is every probability that his desire will be 
 speedily gratified. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, September 20, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 " Peace rains in Warsir", as the sayin is. The rebils is as 
 quiet as turkle duvs. Mebbee thare preparin for a grand coo. 
 Its allus amazin still at sea jest afore a white squall, and altho we 
 hevent got wind of an intenshin to a sail us, we air liabul to a 
 tack at enny moment. Ennyways our troops wont be cort 
 asleep with thar beds pillerd on thar nap sacks. Not kiiowin wen 
 the war-hoop may be razed, I keep my weepins and acutter- 
 ments layin besides me on a cheer wile I rite, in case I mought 
 hev to drap my steal pen and grab my shooten iruns in the midst 
 of this epistol. 
 
 Wenever Ginral Maclellin givs the wurdAo go in, I shell leve 
 my peaceful retreat at Willards and jine his staff as a decamp 
 my venabul ffend, President Abe, who would go to his deth to 
 sarve me, hevin procured me tfle birth. Speekin of that emer- 
 nent statesman, isent it curus that sterne and swift as he is in 
 his ofiishal intercoarse, be should unbend and becum acktilly 
 Punchy in his idyll hours ? His wittyschisms is ekwill to the 
 best in the funny peeryoddieals, as you will admit with teers in 
 your eyes, on readin the follerin high-preshir buttonbusters,
 
 64 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 wich he desires me to forrard with menny ardent eggspreshins of 
 a steam, to the eddyturs of the SUNDAY MERKARY. I send you 
 the farseeshy in his own hand ritin, thinken you mought wish to 
 presarve his authorgraft as a memento of a honest man, when 
 our faithful Abraham has gone to his long hum : 
 
 CONS., &c., FROM THE CAPITAL. 
 
 BY A. L., P. OF THE U. 6. 
 
 "Where will Jeff Davis go when he dies ? To that burn from 
 which no traveler returns. 
 
 Where was Floyd at the last accounts ? On the C7icatby 
 Oauley ! 
 
 How did A. L. find his way to the White House ? He axed 
 it. 
 
 To what does the Government owe its success in money-hunt- 
 ing ? Ardor in the Chase. 
 
 Who was the first rowdy ? Adam he raised Cain. 
 
 The spell that quieted Baltimore. Dix's ipse Dix-it. 
 
 Present avocation of the old-fogy commodores. Boring 
 Welles. 
 
 Why is W. H. Russell like the Mississippi River ? Because he 
 runs down a great country. 
 
 What was A. L.'s style of locomotion in early life ? He went 
 lumbering along. 
 
 State of the grain crop in Missouri. Much of it has been 
 swept off by General Raines. 
 
 Why are Lincoln and Hamlin " one and inseparable ?" Be- 
 hold the reason ! AbraHAMLINcoln. 
 
 LINES AFTER HORACE. 
 
 Robin Hood 
 
 Was an archer good, 
 
 He never shot but his shaft drew blood. 
 
 And little John 
 
 Shot too, I swan ! 
 
 And his aim was bad, and the " damage" none. 
 
 When I subjested to the grate Wood-Cutter of the West the 
 idea of gettin off a few of his splitters for your collumes, I cal- 
 kilated they would be fust chop, but the abuv is chorks ahed of 
 my most sangwinary suppersishins. I wisht you would send the 
 Merkary containin the cannondrums to that solum old bird,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 65 
 
 eggs -president Bucannon, who I onderstancl sets all day broodiu 
 over the past, and wishin he hedent shode the white fether wen 
 he rooled the roost at Washington. You kin send my comple- 
 ments with the paper for I used to know the old critter in his 
 better daze and say I hope he will chuckle over the joaks of 
 his distingwished suckcessor. I think the tutching illushin to 
 his buzzurn frend Floyd, kin skarsly fail to gratify him. Gree- 
 ley, I pcrsoom,'will coppy the pome inter the Tryboon. It would 
 hev saved him considabul ef it hed cum out a week ago, bekase 
 the three last lines contains the peth of all he hesent ben able to 
 say in seven issoos of that spritely jernil. Sum riters diffuses 
 informashin and sum condenses it. When Greeley writes he 
 spreds hisself, but the lively Abe ses his motto is mulct em in 
 parto, witch means, line informt, -as peeples payshence didn't 
 oughter be taxed with long-winded stories. 
 
 Senst I tuck pen in hand to indite this commoonicashin, sev- 
 ral rummers lies ben brort in from the river abuv. A despatch 
 from Darnstown ses Johnstun seams to be threaddin his way up, 
 with an eye to crossing over and hemming us in from the out- 
 skcarts of the city on the Merryland sid >. Anuther report is 
 that Boweryguard hes promist his shiverally to pitch inter us 
 hot and hevvy afore the weaks out. Darnstown is a villidge in 
 Munggummery County, Merryland, about twenty-five milds up 
 the Potomac, whar they sell the meenest whiskey on God's airth 
 and drink too big horns on it to tell a strait story, so I dont place 
 mutch reliance in enny darned yarns from that kwarter, and as 
 to Boweryguard he's too cunning a coon to giv publick notis of 
 a file two or three days aforehand. I reckin him and Jonstun is 
 oney faintin, and doosent intend to make a serous a salt on our 
 lines at present. Howsever, ef they want to buck thar heds inter 
 a bumblebees nest, let em cum on. Evrything is fixt here to giv 
 em a stinger as '11 make em hop. I was at Ginral Maclellins hed 
 kwarters and also Ginral Scott's, latter eend of last munth, and 
 they both asshoord me as Washington would be impregnabul by 
 this time. The Hero of Chipaway told me his motto was Sep- 
 tember Paratus, and as the Lattin Dickshinary ses paratus sig- 
 nifize reddy, he mentersay, in coarse, as all would be reddy in 
 September. 
 
 Blcevin it not onpossabul that I may hev a chanst to dror a 
 bead on a traitor or two afore I dispatch my next missif, I remane, 
 with airnust luv for the Union, the hull Union and npthin else, 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 WAR LETTEHS OF 
 
 No. XXI. 
 
 [Our correspondent is scarcely so vivacious as Is his wont. 
 But what liis letter may lack in sprightliness, it atones for by its 
 patriotic earnestness. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, October 4, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Herkary : 
 
 So arter faintin in frunt of Washington for weeks Bowery- 
 guard has fallen back ! Noboddy onderstands wot this noo feter 
 in his tracktricks means, but it looks 011 the face of it as ef all 
 idee of attacktin the Capital had ben gin up. My privit spy is 
 now in the rebel lines, howsever, and as he nose the ropes, I ex- 
 peck to receve ackrit informashin about this fresh moovement of 
 the retched traitor in a day or two. 
 
 As the tellagraft fourstalls all noose by pen, I leve the latest 
 iutelligense to the litenin ; but I ken take you behint the seens 
 and let you inter the confidense of the rooler we all look too to 
 keep things strait. Yesterday the Chefe Madgisirit cent for me 
 to the White House, and I hed a conversashin with him of hafe 
 an hour, of witch I made rninits for the SUNDAY MERKARY. I 
 give the dialog percisely as I logged it down. 
 
 "D. V., my good frend," ses he, straitenen hisself up arter 
 stoopen to shake hands with me, ' wot is your opinyun of the 
 asspeck of affairs ?" 
 
 " That," I remarkt, " is rayther a ginral questin." 
 
 " Yes," ses he, " it's a ginral questin, but you onderstand the 
 kernil of it ; I want your vews on the war as it stands." 
 
 " Wai then, to speke onest," I replide, " I think it stands too 
 long. The people want it pusht along to a conclushin. We air 
 spendin sum two millyuns a day, or tharabouts, and my centi- 
 ments is, thars thunderin little to sho for it.' 
 
 " My frend," says the venabul chefe, pullin a gray hare out of 
 wun of his little bushes of whisker, " the ' games afoot,' as the 
 poick ses, but the time to ' cry havoc and let loose the dogs of 
 war' hesent cum yet. We must wait." 
 
 "Very good," I responded, "but why warnt the Fort Hotter- 
 ass victry follered up ? We was told as two more eggspedish- 
 ings was to start immedieiitly to shell sum uther pints on the 
 Suthern cost. Whar ah- they ? Thars allus vessels of war a 
 layin off at Fortress Munro and other places whar they aint no 
 more use then they would be high and dry on Gorgetowu Eights,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 67 
 
 \vliy air they not cent sumwhars else to pufform a second edishin 
 of the buinbardment of Fort Hotterass ?" 
 
 " Welles isent reddy," ses he, " besides thats not the program- 
 my. A grand bio is to be struck sirnontaneously by sea and 
 land. By the way, wot do you think of Welles ?" 
 
 " Rayther a delicut kwestin, Mr. Lincoln," I anserd, " but, how- 
 sever, the Disbanded isent afeard to meet it. His auntycedents 
 as far as morrils is kousarned is tip-top. He never cuzzined no- 
 boddy, allus paid his clets, sed his prairs nights and mornins, and 
 tuck his meals reglar. But as to his talons for a crysis as thret- 
 tens to rend the nashin in twane, I konsider 'em nix". 
 
 " You're mistaken," ses my venabnl frend. " Welles is a man 
 of amense intelleck. I heel my doubts about it at fust, but line 
 satisfide now that oney give him time, and he'll astonish the 
 kentry. Then thars Cainerun, wot do you think of Simon ?" 
 
 " Wall," ses I, " I wunst seen a play in witch thar was two 
 carrickters they called Simon Pures, and wun was a decent man, 
 and tuther seldom wanted for ennything that warnt out of his 
 reach. Witch of the critters the Democratic-Consarvative- 
 Republican Seckatary of War most resembles, I leve you to clis- 
 kiver. I know, howsever, that his frends in Pennsylvany is 
 willin to bet on his goin out of offls with a millyun of dollars in 
 his pockit. But he's got sum energy, ennyways, and ef he oney 
 fights the good fight like a trump, who keers for trifels ?" 
 
 " D. V.," cggsclamed the Venabul Abe, kwite sharply, " you're 
 remarks is liebellious. In the hole world thars no trooer men 
 than my offishal advisers troo as steel, sir, and as sharp.'' 
 
 " If thats the case," ses I, for I sor he was gettin riled, and I 
 dident want to anger the old man, " they're in thar rite place in 
 the Cabbynet. Setch men in these dejennerate days is cabbynet 
 curosities." 
 
 Here thar was a paws in the conversashin, and I got up to 
 shake hands and leve. The onest and faithful patryit gin me a 
 backwoods grip, with teers in his eyes, and ses he : 
 
 " Disbanded, my hart's bound up in this Union, and if wun 
 kullapses tuther will too. Accordin to the lite I hev, I wurk on- 
 sleepiugly to pervent setch a braking up. Ef I kant keep the 
 masheen runiiin as I found it, I hop to be berried onder the reck 
 with the old flag in my hand, singin out E pluvious unum to the 
 last." 
 
 "My nobul frend," I replide, "the masheen's in no danger. 
 The Union, I trust, will never be in setch a pickle that it kant 
 be preserved. As to this rebellyun, itul be put clown as sartain as
 
 08 WAKLETTEBSOF 
 
 the airly sunshine '11 cum in at the East Room winder to-morrer 
 mornin. Ef wun Cabbynet fales we must try another ; if wnn 
 army gits tuckert oat we must raze anuther. BUT TUB THING 
 MUST BE DONE. Outer thirty millyuns of people, twenty-five 
 to-day is in favor of the Union and its got to be opheld and 
 perpetyated jest as shure as the livin sun hes got to roll onnard 
 in his corse givin the world life and light" 
 
 And with this, skweedgin the illustrus rail-splitter'a hand 
 wunst agen, I took leve. And now, beggin pardin for being 
 onushilly serus and matterafact in this epistol, I take my leve of 
 you, ontil we meet agen nex week throo the post ofiis, remainin, 
 as ushil, Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXII. 
 
 [The old veteran gives this week an amusing account of the 
 poverty-stricken condition of the chivalry. Their appearance, 
 it would seem, is a perfect burlesque on " the pomp and circum- 
 stance of war." It must be remembered, however, that the 
 fighting qualities of an army do not depend upon the state of its 
 regimentals, or even upon the excellence of its commissariat. 
 Ragged, hungry men often fight desperately. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, October 11, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 My confidenshil spy, a reglar Metamory of a feller, perfeckly 
 vorashus and never known to eat his own words, returnt last night 
 from a long reckonnonsense. He was kwite onsuspected and 
 obtaued no eend of noose. He peers to hev maid mennyran- 
 doms of every essensual pint as cum within the pail of his 
 observashin. He ses the condishin of the enemees clothin is 
 redickalus ; it takes the rag off the bush of ennything he ever 
 seen in the way of peacemeal wardrubs. The suppleturn offsirs 
 was in strips and onwillin to wheel round on parade for fear of 
 exposin the rips in thar uniforms. As to the common sojers, 
 sum of em hed muttonied and refused to train, being ashamed to 
 face the mewsick on ackount of thar newditty. Setch ridgy- 
 mendals never, he ses, was seen on humans; the skarecrows 
 spring styles in a Connecticut cornfield bein full dress in capari- 
 son. At Darnstown he sor sum of the troops at wurk with
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 09 
 
 needles and thred sowin wun anutlier tares, but it warnt a grain 
 of use, they bust out immediently. Thar foot gear Avas ekwilly 
 delopidated. Hevin a taste for staytistricks he counted nineteen 
 thousand big toes peeping like terrorpins heds throo the 
 shells of milentary boots and shoos at the Gap, and about 
 the same number at the Junkshin. In fact, the hull rebel army 
 on the Potomac is on a mity bad footin, and all efforts to remedy 
 the evil air likely to proove bootless. The oney critters among 
 em as makes a decent sho is the field offsirs all the rest, includin 
 even thar crack riflemen, bein as ragged as city poppers. 
 
 I larn also from the same sorce that the rebel army is gettin 
 all-thunderin wurmy about thar grub. The hog and homany 
 hes purty mutch gin out in Ann Arundel and Mungummery, and 
 weevly bisket and red-eye is a kinder bevridges as isent calkill- 
 ated to harden the sinners for the tug of war. Boweryguard 
 and Johnstun will sun hev to relingkwish thar foothold in that 
 kwarter, but when thar necks movement will cum off is not yet 
 determined. Ef they dont take the back trail south afore the 
 first of November, an appeal will be made to thar feelins with 
 balls and bagncts, that will be puffectly onresistabul. 
 
 Thars nuthin new in the way of gossip in these diggins. The 
 " relicabul gentmen " as mannyfactors orthentic unpossibilitees 
 for the press, peers to hev took a recess to rest thar imadjina- 
 shuns. Human mendassity hes its limicks, and fibbing will 
 pairalies the fancy in the eend, ef stuck too aciduously for an 
 ondefinit lenth of time. The bar-rum circkles, howsever, is in 
 full blast, and continally proffersighing tearabul events over thar 
 smashes. The catastrofy never curns, but still they pussyveer in 
 thar predickshins. Ses wun of three blatherskates the uther 
 day at Willards : 
 
 " My frends," ses he, " I hev shure entelligents as Bowery- 
 gard, Johnstun and Lee is a goin to attact us. "Washington 
 stands on a volcano !" 
 
 "Duz it, me boy?" ses an offsir of the Meager ridgement, 
 porin out a glass of whiskey, " well, ef the Capital stands on a 
 volcano, here goes for a swig at the crater !" 
 
 I larnt from the President, yestday, that plans for no less 
 than three sekrit eggspedishings is now on the tappee in the war 
 and navy departments, and I shouldent be astonished ef we 
 heerd of orful dooins coastwise atween this and All Fools day. 
 The hed of the nashin is of opinyon that the seeseshers will be 
 nockt cold afore the summer, and evrything, to use his own 
 frays, restored to the statue co anti bedlam, witch meens I spose
 
 70 WARLETTEBSOF 
 
 as the Suthern loonyticks as hes divorced tharselves from the 
 Union will be brort to thar marrybones and wunst more beg for 
 an asylum onder the old flag. 
 
 The votes of the Pennsylvany troops for the State eleckshiu 
 was took on Wensday, but in the absents of pollytishens and 
 rum thar warnt no paytryotic enthuzzyusm. The sojers went 
 to the poles with freezin indifFerents, the bands playin Hail 
 Columby as they marched to the ballad boxes, and the hull 
 affair passed off as harmonius as the mewsick of the spears. 
 The cattridge box is just now konsidered the pallajum of our 
 libties, and until the sword is sheethed, noboddy is likely to keer 
 mutch about the rite of sufferedge. 
 
 The revew of light hoss and hevvy artellery on the broad 
 plato of Capitol Hill, day before yestday, was a grand speck- 
 tickle. My tall and venabul frend, the President, druv me to 
 the ground with Mrs. Lincoln and yung Seward, in his new 
 bayrush, and as he stud in his carridge he was in coarse the sine- 
 cure of all eyes. The inanovering was ekwill to ennything I 
 ever seen the Crymeah. Nine battrees was posted on each wing 
 of the battalion of dragons, and as the skripter ses "the thunder 
 of the captins and the shoutin" was puffeckly stunnin. Ginral 
 Maclellin was delited, and Mrs. Lincoln aloud the site of so 
 menny shinin blades made her feel like Joe Ann of Ark or the 
 Maid of Sarah Gosser, witch I was arterwards entbrmt was the 
 votrees of Bellowner as flurished several sentries back. Finaly 
 the entire force formed in collume and saluted the President, 
 arter witch the artellery and cavalry was divided inter two 
 divishins and each hafe was dismissed seperitly to its kwarters. 
 Ef the men behave as well on the battle plane as they did in the 
 old fields back of the Capitol on Wensday, the shiverally will 
 be sartain to sho em the backs of thar shakos at the first charge. 
 
 The case of Freemount still hangs by the ilids. Sum ses hees 
 bound to be cashsheared for misusin the publick money confisti- 
 cating niggers and uther mistymeaners ; but I reckin ef hees fort- 
 nit enuff to flax out Price evrything will be overlucked. 
 
 Thars still two or three female trailers here confined in thar 
 own housen onder the sirvillians of the peleese ; but thars mor'n a 
 duzzen of em at libty, and its my beleef as evry skeem of the 
 guverment is known at Richmound afore it leeks out in New 
 York. At present, howsever, the cabbynet hevent enny irnport- 
 ent projeck afoot for walkin inter the rebils. As sun as they hev 
 you will as ushil git a hint on the subjeck, from 
 
 Yours allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 A. DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 71 
 
 NO. XXHI. 
 
 [Perhaps who knows ? the next letter of our military cor- 
 respondent may be dated from the battle-field. It is beyond a 
 doubt that Beauregard and Johnston must either fight or fly 
 forthwith. General McClellan's advance means mischief. He 
 is now in effect offering battle to the rebels, and if they don't 
 take the initiative within ten days, he will. We are on the eve 
 of a great combat, and the Disbanded understands this perfectly, 
 although he writes as humorously as ever. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, October 18, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of ihe Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The way the shiverally is pitchin inter wun anuther beats 
 cock-fitin. Floyd and Wise hes ben for sum time past about as 
 frendly as Killkenny cats, and each hes endevored to make his 
 own tail good in the rebel noosepapers, witch hes given both par- 
 ties rats for not cummin to the scratch with Ginral Rosecranch. 
 Wise hes ben took sick in konsekens of overheatin hisself on the 
 retreat, and while he is lying on his back at Richmound, sum of 
 the jernils of that city interniates that he is oncapabul of speekin 
 the truth. The oney chanst for him to eskape court-marshaling 
 in this wurld is to leave suddently for whur he belongs in the 
 next. As to Floyd, the gun-grabber and Mussassippy stock 
 stealer, his offsirs hes siued a round robbing charging him with 
 all sorter mistyineaners, and sent it to the llicmnound Inkwirer. 
 The benine eddytur of that seven be nine sheet publishes the 
 charge, and insinawaits as the distingwished arsenall theef ken 
 hev the names of his accusers, ef he'll promis to fite em in routa- 
 shin, wun arter anuther, witch bein in feeble helth and rather 
 narvus, he respeckfully deklines. He allows his life is pledged 
 to his kentry, and I persoom the pledge will be forfitted when- 
 ever his kentry ken ketch him. Eenamost all the Suthern jernils 
 blames the cummanders on the Potomac for not goin in, and in 
 fack thar seems to be a kinder plug muss ainung all the engineers 
 of the secesh masheen. 
 
 Them extree vishus traitors, the sequesttraitors, is doing a big 
 bizness in the burgler and land pirit line. Honabul August 
 Bellmount I spose is in a juce of a way about his terbacker. In 
 coarse he'll never get a quid pro quo for the first chaw of it. 
 Poor August ! they put him throo the latter eend of September, 
 and considabul of the sequestered weed hes alreddy ben foddered
 
 73 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 out to the rebel troops and convarted inter old sojers. Howsever, 
 five hundred hogs heads belonged to Wrathschild, an eminent 
 findandshear of the Hebrew gender. Won't he blastfeam and 
 tare his garments and sit in sackcloth and ashes, when he heers 
 how the rebels hev walked inter his nigger-head and pig-tail ! 
 
 But thats not the wust. Theyve even confisticated the hum 
 of Jefferson, and I predicate ef they could git Mount Vernon 
 they'd put it inter a lottery and raffle off the bones of "Washing- 
 ton at so mutch a chanst. I wunder doos these God-forsaken 
 critters eggspect to go to Pairodice when they step out. Ef they 
 do its my opinyun they'll find tharselves all-fired mistaken. 
 Thars a place all reddy fenst off for em by the Prince of Dark- 
 ness in the midst of his enfarnal regents, and I persoom they'll 
 be briled on the same gidiron with Benny Dick Arnold and 
 Judases Carrot. The way they'll be hauld over the coals '11 be 
 a caushin to Sally Manders. 
 
 I called at the White House last evenin and hed a plesent 
 palavir and sum supper with the tall and talented tenant of that 
 traydishanall tenement. I never seen him more waggish and 
 joclar, and youre awar that wen he's in the vain, he ken git off 
 wot the French calls Jew de Hose ekwil to enny live Christian. 
 Fust we torked over the Chickenmacomico affare, and we both 
 crowed over it considabul. He remarkt that the insargents thort 
 they hed it all thar own way at the outset, but when the Mounts- 
 hellar made her onset, and began to lay em with ten inch shells 
 they conclewdid the eggspidishing was a bad egg. Arter 
 praising the galliant commander of the craft up to the nines, 
 he asked wot I thort the Navy was most in need of jest now. 
 
 "More gunboats, Abram," ses I. 
 
 " No my vetren frend," ses he, " more BRAINES." 
 
 I think that was about as handsom a dublin tender as ever 
 was got off. I oney wish the grave and solem Giddyun could 
 hev heerd it. As compliments when ellegently paid, is not 
 despised by men of lofty stashen, I told the illustrus railer that 
 it was " fust chop in fack, a reglar splitter." 
 
 Then we canvassed the intents of the Nuthern Peace party, 
 ancl agen I seen humor in his eye. Purty sun he let drive. 
 
 " Disbanded," ses he, " why is inakin beds like hysting Peace 
 flags ?" 
 
 I codgertated for a minnit, and then told him I sposed it was 
 bekase both was ginally done by hirelings. 
 
 " No, my lad o' whacks," he replide, " its bekase its a white 
 fether movement."
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 78 
 
 I sniggered, and seein I hed caught his ineanin he also indulged 
 in slight catchinashin. 
 
 Presently we commenst speakin about Freemount and Missoori, 
 wen his visedge agen suddently lighted up and he perpounded 
 the follering : 
 
 " Wots the cheapest way to put down the rebels in Missoori ?" 
 
 " Freemount's plan." ses I " sequester all thar darkeys." 
 
 " No," he replide " that's agen the Constitooshin, witch is the 
 funnymental lor of the land. The cheapest way to redooce the 
 rebels in Missoori is to cut down thar Price immediently." 
 
 I considered the joak rayther far fetched, but chuckled over it 
 to obleege the puppytraitor. 
 
 Our necks theme was affares at the sete of guverment. Mr. 
 Lincoln asshured me as a grate battle was very eminent. He 
 ses the rebels must either fite or foot it within a week. Mebbe 
 the darned theves will steal off arter all though. But the Presi- 
 dent thinks not. He bleves theyll cum up to the scratch, and 
 that Maclellaii'll nail em. Upon the hull, thats my opinyun too. 
 A ginral action may commence at enny hour, and when it doos 
 begin itul be setch a game at cut throte as never was played in 
 this hemaspear. I shall be thar when the collusion cuins you 
 ken gamble on that. 
 
 Awaitin impayshently the signal to sail in, I remane eggsight- 
 edly Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXIV. 
 
 [The old veteran handles without gloves the originators of the 
 late disastrous expedition across the Potomac. It is, however, 
 impossible to be too severe on the moonstruck madness which 
 seems to have planned and guided that disgraceful affair. The 
 blood of the brave who fell at Edward's Ferry cries from the 
 ground, and the North demands to know against whom it cries. 
 
 EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, October 24, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The long aggeruy of the Summer and Fall campain drors fast 
 
 to a bluddy ishoo. Maclellin hes made up his mind to mount 
 
 the rebels in airnest, and the grand climbacts is closte at hand, 
 
 The army is in the hyest spirts, and on fiie to meet the Suthern 
 
 4
 
 74 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 incinderaries. The volunteers sware they wont go inter winter 
 kwarters ontil Bull Run is tearabully avenged. Our advance thret- 
 tins the rebil lines at Centreveal, and fearful butcherwork will, 
 sun take place, onless the insurgent force shambles off towards 
 Richmound. 
 
 Its purty clar by the bulletins from Leesburg as all the milen- 
 tary fools isent dead yet by a long shot. The objeck was gained, 
 its troo, but it was a much more slorterous affare than it oughter 
 ben. The idee of throwin oney seventeen hunderd men acrost 
 the river to attact ten thousand, all ambushed in the woods with 
 thar rifels cockt and thar fingers on the triggers ! It was the act 
 of moonymaniacs. And then to think of the offsirs takin par- 
 tickler pains to march thar men rite inter the middle of a six 
 aclier lot, sirounded on three sides with hevvy timber swarmin 
 with possum-playin seceshers, and a mild of rushin water in the 
 rare. Why a blind rat wouldnt hev ben cort in sech a trap. 
 Our brave fellers performt progenies of valor, but bein cum- 
 pleatly hemmed in, they got, in coarse, an allmity belting. I 
 spose its no use cryin over spilt milk, but warnt the arrange- 
 ments maid to afford em sucker a caushin to loonyticks ? A 
 flowtiller consistin of two leeky mud skows and a crasy canawl 
 boat, with fifty men apeace, was sent to the resky, but they cum 
 ueer sinkin, and its a merickle the hull on em warnt plugged 
 afore assistants reached em. At lenth arter a nobul stand up fite 
 of an hour or more our galliant boys heel to back down. They 
 broke for the river, and bein pursood by an overwelming force, 
 inlosticated with victry, menny was druv inter the drink. 
 Doorin the skrinimedge more'n two liuuderd of our men was 
 hit, and a still larger number was missed when the rolls was 
 called at brekfest-time necks mornin. Howsever the loss was 
 not all on the Union side ; the Mussysippians cort it hot and hev- 
 vy,- and numbers of the South Carolinians fell to rice no more. 
 Finerly Banks with five thousand men and plenty of cannon 
 crost the Rubygun and the pint was gained. To-day it is said as 
 him and Kernil Stun is offerin battle to Ginral Gustarvus Smith, 
 formally Ginral Scavenger of New York. I hop ef he venters 
 on a brush he 11 run agin that trcmenjus sweepin masheen called 
 the besom of destruckshin. Its not onprobabul as the brooming 
 may cum off afore this letter reaches its dustynashin. 
 
 Its onpossabul matters ken remain as they air. Large kwanti- 
 ties of provisions for our army is now in the mouth of the Poto- 
 mac, and it must be opened and the food brort up. That river 
 is the alimentary canawl of the capital, and it wont anser to hev
 
 A DISBAND ED VOLUNTEER. 75 
 
 it stopped. Oney two transports lies wurried throo this week, 
 and they hed thar gaffs shot away at Cockpit pint, but the cap- 
 tins bein game birds sliode a clean pair of heels, and cum crowin 
 up to Washington. They left thirty vessels below Mathiasses, 
 frighted with supplies, bosses, arms, and cetery, and afeared to 
 attemp the passidge. Sum fokes sposes as the rebel canons is 
 not ekwil to ours, but I no the tears of guns on thar Potomac 
 wurks is the best modern weepins, and line informt as the Pig 
 Pint Battery bristles with rifle-boars " like quills upon fretful 
 porkyoupine," as Hamlet ses in the play. 
 
 FRIDAY, October 26, 1SG1. 
 
 This mornin I hev to take back part of the foregoin. The 
 fack is that lyin reports cums in so everlastin thick, that ef a 
 feller commits any noose to paper he's allus in dannger of com- 
 mittin hisself. A curryspondeut as gesses at wot's goin on up 
 the river, is more lieable to tell the truth than ef he depended on 
 the current informashin from that kwarter. Slipshod letter liters 
 as puts down wotever cums to hand, ushilly diskivers afore the 
 ink is diy that they've put thar foot in it. To-day we larn that 
 Banks and Stun, who was sed to be hungry for a file with the 
 grate Gustarvus, and eggspickted to make a clean sweep of 
 that black traitor and his rnurrnurdums, lies fled back to Merry- 
 land with a flee in thar ear. So six or seven hunderd of our 
 best sogers hes ben killed, wounded, drownded and took prisners 
 in a reckonnonsense witch reflecks nuthen but disgrace on the 
 heds as planned it. 
 
 It was kwite nateral that setch an eggspedishing should land 
 in the neybrood of Goose Creek ! The brave and nobul-harted 
 Ginral Baker beiu dead, and onabul to repel the charge, in coarse 
 the blame is ,laid onto him ; but who ordered him across the 
 river ? It was a reglar foe paw, as the French say, all round. 
 
 It seams the rebil ackount of the navel engagement at Baylizo 
 was an onmitigatud ontruth. The causalties on our side sums 
 up as follers : 
 
 Killed nix. 
 
 Wownded ni x. 
 
 Vessels sunk nix. 
 
 And when the secosh -cumadore slips his wind, and drifts inter 
 Tofit (whar he belongs), nix cum arouse will be the word, and 
 eveiy member of Bellsabub's family will hev a shy at him. 
 
 Hopen sun to send yon. intelligents of a hevvy blow on the 
 Potomac, I remain, as on prevus ockashins, 
 
 Yours allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 76 "WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 No. XXV. 
 
 [It will be seen "by the following queer epistle that our eccen- 
 tric friend has been visited by a remarkable and, in fact, eminently 
 diabolical dream. He would seem to have been in the state of 
 trance described by Sir Bulwer Lytton in his " Strange Story" ; 
 at least so we infer from the extraordinary manner in which 
 what he seemed to hear in his vision was afterward repeated in 
 print. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, November 1, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 In common with the ginral publick, you air in coarse awar 
 that Saint John, a profit of the Christian perswashin as reported 
 fur the angils sum sentries ago, ses in his Revelashins as he seen 
 Lucyfur, the Father of Lize, put in iruns for a thousand years, 
 with a distink onderstandin that at the eend of that time he was 
 to be " loosed for a little seesin," and hev full swing at " deceeving 
 the nashins." Now Ime not supperdishus, but last Saturday 
 night, as 1 laid perfoundly slumberin on the sofy arter my ushil 
 repast of fride iceters and Borebung whisky, I had a very sup- 
 perisin dreem. Methort the old critter's term was up and he was 
 out on firlo, disguysed as a relieabul gentleman, and was issooing 
 instruckshins to the curryspon dents of the dalie press. Wotever 
 he sed rite they rit, jest as reddily as Saint John rit the deskrip- 
 shins of the lowcusses with the stings in thar tales witch was to 
 torment the airth under the direckshins of Abadun. (See Rev- 
 elashins, Chapter Nine.) 
 
 Methort the evil sperrit, with a sinstir smild on his bloo lips 
 and a nialishus skwint in his wether eye, tutched the Herald's 
 " Speshil " on the sholder and told him to indite a full ackount of 
 the sailin of the grate Union Amiady from Hamton Eoads. Ses 
 Bellsabub to the Speshil : " The informashin, my frend, will be 
 three or four days in advance of the trooth but the Herald is my 
 favorite sheet, and Ime bound by a solem oath registered (here 
 lie skwinted downards) in a place onmenshinabul to ears perlite, 
 to keep it in advance of everything. The curryspondent winked 
 a cent to the order, and at wunst began to skribble like a rnoney- 
 raaniac. Irnmediently arterwards I notist old Meffystufiferlies in 
 conversashin with the Eggspresses " speshil," tellin him to notify 
 his prenciples to hum, that Ginral Scott, notwithstandin his 
 fizical infirmatiz, was in boystirus helth and sperrits, harty in fack 
 as Hale Columby ; also that he wurked fourteen hours a day
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 77 
 
 and was a killin off all his clerks and amenuensenses to the 
 chime of " Old Virginny never tire." The curryspondent lucked 
 kinder doutful, but the Tempter sed with a grin, " It's all right 
 niy boy, the publick nose the Eggsprcss and depreshiates it accor- 
 dinly." The speshil ackwiest, and made his manyrandoms as 
 rekwested. The old sarpint then meandered off to whar the 
 Triboori's " Good Orthority " was sittin onder the shadder of a 
 flapjack hat, strokin his coal-black baird as if he was tryin to 
 cokes an idee outer out. 
 
 " Why so pensiv beluvid," whisperd the Old 'un. 
 
 "I want a subjeck for my necks dispatch," replide Good 
 Orthority. 
 
 " "Well," ses the other, takin out his snuff box and treatin his- 
 self to a pinch of sulfur, "the Triboon hes helped me to a 
 numerus number of subjecks, and as wun good turn desarvcs 
 anuther, the resiprossity shant be like the handel of a jug, all on 
 wun side. Tellagraft on that the Seckatry of the grate Navel 
 Flowtiller hes jest eskaped to the enemee with all the sealed 
 orders, maps, charts, plans, and cetery, of the eggspedishing, in 
 his left boot, and that consckently the enterprize is broke up in 
 toe-toe." 
 
 " Consider it, dun," ses Good Orthority, " for by Considerant 
 lie do it!" (All the Triboon fellers sware by Considerant jest 
 as the Turks do so by Mayhumit.) 
 
 " Do so," remarkt the Fo of Man, turnin on his heel, " and ef 
 you was to state that when last seen, the fudgetive traitor was 
 swimming cherfully and inity fast up the Cheespeak with a 
 ship's biskit in wun hand and a bottle of Mungoheeler whisky 
 in the uther, and wavin his hat in triump as he paddled along, it 
 would rnebbe add to the poplar eggsightment." 
 
 The vishin then peered to change to the tellagraft offiz here, 
 and I seen the old cuss settin in the operator's cheer, srounded 
 with firy flams, and wurkin the wires regardless of eggspence for 
 the bennyfit of the masses. Methort at this moment the hull 
 consarn bust into flinders with an orful crash, and jumpin on 
 eend to find out wot was the matter, I heerd Willard's all-defnin 
 gong a goin like a yung airthquake for airly breakfist. 
 
 Now as I menshint afore, Ime not a blever in the supper- 
 natural, so at fust I only larft at my dreem, witch I sot down to 
 an overharty supper of icesters and too many pulls at the Bore- 
 bung. But when I cum to see in the collumes of the New York 
 daylies, eenamost the same stories as I hed heerd Old Brimstim 
 subjest to thar curryspondeuts in niy sleep, ses I to myself, "a
 
 78 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 few extra horns doosent ackount for the develish kvreer coin- 
 cidents; the words of the dramineris true thar is more trooth 
 in hevin and airth than is dreamt of in your filosofy." 
 
 Evryboddy here is in a narvus fever about Commydore 
 Dupoint's fleet, and all kinder conjecters is afloat as to the pint 
 it is goin to a sail to. As it will ondoutedly be heern from afore 
 the Sunday Merkary containin this letter ken reach the rebels, 
 I may venter to say, by way of a flyer 
 
 Let the chaps at Fort Macon 
 Take keer of thar bacon, 
 
 forsuinthin will be heerd to drap thar or tharabouts in purty short 
 meter. Likewise I predicate that 
 
 The gents whose full dress is two spurs and a collar 
 Will be licked till they find it convenient to holler. 
 
 I wisht I could giv you the hull programmy, but a sojers brest 
 is the seat of honor, and line onder a promise not to reveal it. 
 Consekently Ive hed to put my predickshins inter misterus rimes 
 like the negromansirs of antickwitty, whose proffersighs is sum- 
 times kwoted in the perioddiculs as heving ben curusly ful- 
 filled. 
 
 Ginral Scott is now a confirmed valleytudinarian wotever the 
 flippant informant of the Eggspress may say to the contrary and 
 is sed he will sun resign the milcntary supervishin of his father- 
 laud to a yunger son of Mars. The brave old vetran has airnt a 
 right to repose, and his kentry would be pleased to see him 
 kwietly restin onto his lorils. 
 
 Honest Old Abe is in high fether, and as full of jokehilarity as 
 ever. I run agen him in Pennsylvany avenoo this mornin, and 
 arter an old fashined backwoods shake of the hand, he axed me 
 why the battle-field at Bull's Run was like the place whar Magna 
 Carter floored King John. Not noin rightly wot he deluded to, 
 I caved in at wunst, upon witch he gin me a slap on the back 
 and sed it was bekase it was a runny mead. 
 
 The pint is rather obskewer, but hopen you'll be abel to see 
 throo it, I remain, as on former ockashins, 
 
 Yours allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXVI. 
 
 [Last week was particularly barren of events ; and in the ab- 
 sence of anything startling in the way of news, the old soldier
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 79 
 
 is unusually didactic. His information respecting the time when, 
 and the place where, General McClellan will make his grand 
 attack, may be religiously trusted. The Disbanded, beyond all 
 doubt, is as well posted in regard to the military plans of the 
 Commander-in-chief as any agent of the Associated Press ; and, 
 in fact, we have reason to know that whatever information he 
 receives from head-quarters is special and exclusive. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, November 8, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 Butchers shops in fly-time isent more invested with bloobot- 
 tles than Washington is at present with pollytickle buzzy-bodics 
 as portends to be the mouthpeaces of the frens of the war. 
 These humbugs huvvers about the guverment offizzes and skoots 
 around the hottels, day in and clay out, tryin to pisen the ears of 
 good citysins with thar trumpary tails. It makes me wurmy to 
 hear em bio about the leathergy of the heads of departments. 
 They allow as the keutry long ago eggspected General" Maclel- 
 lin to tackle the rebels in the lield, sholder and elbo, and giv em 
 the coo de grass. " When air we to hev a forrarcl moovement ? ' 
 "Is the administrashin asleep?" " This is playin at sogers " 
 and similar boklerdash is the burden of thar song. 
 
 The same kinder bray was heerd afore Manasses, and from 
 critters of the same stripe. But its no go this time. The com- 
 man.lcr-in-chief is donkey-proof. The buty of it is that all tke 
 yawping and bullyraggin comes from shirkers and nuncumbcrt- 
 ents ; fellers not wuth a cuss for ennything but cawcussing ; 
 skunks as would dekline the swoord for the pen, even ef it was a 
 pig pen ; puzzlanynious shoats as would be the fust to save thru- 
 bacon by " mooving to the rare to the sound of the enernccs 
 cannon." But I ncedcnt tell you what they air. You hev heeps 
 of the breed in New York, and the}''!! never be found, like 
 Uriah, in the " fore-frunt of the battle." Keep em to hum and 
 make skcruTs of em ef you want to ; we hev an overplush of 
 setch blatherskites in this market. Thars wun consolayshin, 
 howsever, we sbnnt hev em long as sun as the conm'ck cuin- 
 rnenses in airnest, the instink of self-preservashin Avill send em 
 back Avliar they belong. 
 
 Nevertheless, ef enny sheep in wulfs clothin is overly ank 
 shus to larn wots the fitin programme, he ken hev it. Ginral Mac- 
 lellin is agreeabul that all the wurld should no wlien and whar 
 he intends to strike, and I am orthorised to state the time and 
 place. The time will be when he's reddy, and the place
 
 80 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 whar thars the best chance to go in and win. This is offlshal. 
 Wun wurd more to make every thing purspickuous and enabul 
 sporting men to bet on a sartainty. The day on witch the grand 
 attact will be made may be found in enny relieabul allrnynack, 
 and the percise spot whar the battle will be fit is encluded in all 
 the orthentic maps of the sete of war. It is oney doin justis to 
 myself to menshin that the materials for this candid eggsposi- 
 tion was not sucked out of the clerks of the War Department, 
 or in ennyways sirupdishously obtaned. 
 
 The President continnees to treat me with the same afleck- 
 shinit confidense as ushil, unbuzzuming hisself without resarve 
 at our privit entervews. Last evenin we cum purty near makin 
 a night of it. In fack, the clock struck two afore the lateness of 
 the hour struck either of us. The witty statesman of the West 
 was in a fine flow of sperrits, and got off numerus chunks of 
 wisdom in the form of dublintenders, cannondrums, and cetery. 
 Ef my memry sarved, you should hev the hull batch, but as it 
 is, I ken oney tickle the rizables of your readers with the follerin : 
 
 Arter we had torked a spell about milentary matters, the 
 venabul Illannoyan, regardin me with a beamin smile, axed me 
 why the cummander of Freemount's Boddy Guard must be per- 
 nounced a nidiot. 
 
 As I thort he'd shocle hisself an all-fired smart feller at Spring- 
 field, I sed I couldent see the nub of it. 
 
 " Well," ses the illustrus humorest, " wots his name?" 
 
 " Zagoni," I replide. 
 
 " Troo," ses he, " and don't we all pern&unce him a nidiot when 
 we say he's a goncy ?" 
 
 " Wots your privit opinyun of Ginral Freemount?" I inkwired, 
 with tears in my eyes, when the larf hed sobsided. 
 
 " Well," he responded, "/say nuthen, but Seckatry Chase thinks 
 he'd be an all-smashin Pathfinder for eiiny guverment as wanted 
 to diskiver a new road to ruin, and Camerun allows that he 
 doosent keer about hevin Price redoost at setch an alarmin 
 pickayunery sacrifiz." 
 
 The conversashin then turned on the New York eleckshin, and 
 he remarked that New York appeerd from the returns to be a 
 wunderful lawless city. 
 
 " How so ?" ses I, raj'ther riled at the insinnerashin. 
 
 " Why," ses he, " I find that mor'n hafe the peeple as voted for 
 sheriff was reglar Lyncliers." 
 
 It was even so, Eddyturs, and I could oney hang my head in 
 shame.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 81 
 
 Wo then tutched on the embargo, and I axed him wot would 
 be the coiisekense ef the British nierchints was to send out armed 
 ships to brake it. 
 
 " D. V.," ses he, in his dry way, " ef they cum for cotton, 
 we'll giv em plenty of batting." 
 
 Thinkiu it AVOS time I put in my ore, I rekwested to no why 
 American prodooce in famine time was like the approachin Lon- 
 don Eggsposishin. 
 
 " Bekase it's the Worltf a Fare" he ansered, kwick as a flash. 
 
 Its onpossible to stump the destingwished woodchopper witli 
 ennything in the raillery line. 
 
 Referring to the Navel eggspidishin agen King Cotton, I in- 
 kwired, by way of a feeler, ef he sposed it hed got inter Port 
 Royal without damidge; to which he replide, with a solem 
 wink, that he hoped for the best, but Port Royal was a place 
 whar it wouldent be surprisen to heer of Rex. Seein he was 
 non-cumrnittal in regard to the Armady, I axed him what he 
 thort of the steamer The Adorer runnin throo our fleet inter Sa- 
 vanna, and a rebel man-o'-war takin nine prizes inter Charlestun 
 in opin daylite. I was eenarnost sorry Ide put the kwestin, for 
 the honest ole man shuck his hed glummily, and aloud that 
 he onderstood the blockheading ships hed sheered off in conse- 
 kense of the sea runnin mountins high, but he considerd that 
 was a poor way of smoothin it over. 
 
 At this stage of the conversashin he fell inter a musin fit, and 
 seein wot a clock it was, 1 bid him adoo, and moseyed for Wil- 
 lards. And now biddin you the same, I remane, with three 
 cheers and a tiger for the North, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 NO. xxvn. 
 
 [Our correspondent gives us a rousing letter this week. We 
 know it will suit our readers to a dot. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, November 15, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 " Three cheers and a tiger for the North !" was the conkludln 
 frays of my last letter, and to day, ef vokil intercorse was possa- 
 bal throo the males, 1 would galoot you with three setch tiiun- 
 4*
 
 82 \VAK LETTERS OF 
 
 derin stunners as ud make your litenin presses dance Juba 
 tailin off with a growl like a hull jungle-full ot royal Bengals 
 on a bender. He do it in pen-and-ink, eunyhow. Weve tetched 
 Old Secesh in the raw and weve got him on the hip and so hip ! 
 liip ! HIP ! HOOKA W ! Eggskews eggstravagance. The trooth 
 is Ime in setch a state of elevashin, that I feel as ef I should 
 bust my suspenders and rise boddily outer my boots like a 
 Fenicks from its ashes. All the Unionites here is as happy 
 as coons in a cornfield ; while the rebel simperthisers are so 
 blamed down in the mouth that the smilds they take at the bar 
 to drownd thar sorrors doosent put a mite of life inter em, and 
 every fresh rummer as cums in cawses em to groan laudably. 
 
 Last night I couldent git no peace for warlike dreams. Queen 
 Mab was with me, as the play ses, and a crowd of red legs, bag- 
 nets, quarterdecks, munkey-jackets, smoke-pipes, dead rebels, 
 and cetery, illoominated with crimson fire, floted afore my sleep- 
 in eyes in one bluddy phantasmagory ! Drums was in my ears, 
 and the atmosfear was flagrant with sulphur. I stood on the 
 combings of a hatchway and seen the seecesh vermin flyin outer 
 Hilton's Head, as the fleet crackt away at em. Then I was at 
 " the eminent deadly breech", as the More of Venus ses, firing 
 inter thar rare. Anon I was haulin down the baby-bunting of 
 Treason, and hysting the full-grown standard of the Union in its 
 place. Finerly, I headed a brilyant cavalry charge from the 
 forecassel of the Warbosh, throo Cumberland Gap inter Kain- 
 turky, arrivin jest in time to help the galliant Nelson put the 
 rebels throo at Piketown. The yells I gin doorin this explite 
 broke the nightmare, and I woke up not a little horse, I ken as- 
 shure you. 
 
 Hevent the owdashus skunks got an all-crucified belting? 
 Didn't Dupoint make em see *** ? Didn't he punktuate thar 
 lines butifully ? Who douts now as the shiverally was all " born 
 onsensabul to fear ?" Captain Steedman allows that nuther man 
 nor steed can overtake em in a starn chase. He ses the way 
 they put out from the forts was ekwil to Jackson the " American 
 Deer", ef not ekwiller. He tride to foller em with his tellascope, 
 but the pace was too all-rushin fast to keep em even for a mo- 
 ment within the scoop of his field of vishin. Sevral of the poor 
 devils was found ded in the woods without a skratch. I axed 
 Captain Steedman yesterday mornin wot he thort they died on, 
 and he sed galloping consumpshin. 
 
 About a fortnit ago the Charleston Merkary intermated as the 
 brains of the Adrninistrashin must hev gon a wool-getherin, to
 
 A DI8BAKDED VOLUNTEER. 83 
 
 think of attacting South Caroliny. "Wai, thar Tics ben a wool- 
 getherin and no mistake, and I'll go tall thar'll be a cotton-geth- 
 erin too, afore long. Whars the " bluddy hands" and the " hor- 
 spitabul graves ?" They warn't on hand at French's Island, and 
 Bay Pint, and Bufort. No sirrees ! Thar warn't noboddy in 
 them diggins to " \velcum" Uncle Sam but Uncle Sambo. The 
 pomp of war vanisht suddent, and left oney black Pomp behind. 
 The galliant olFsirs even went off without thar arms, relyin on 
 thar legs alone. A trail of muskits, bagnets, shakoes and hav- 
 ersacks, shode the way the sojers run. Oney wun shiverally re- 
 maned and he wus so disguysed in licker that he sposed noboddy 
 would reckognize him. His condishin may be hnadgined from 
 the suckemstance, that when taken he was tryin to light the rong 
 eend of his seegar at a pump, and shakin hands with the handle 
 stfpposin he bed met a frend as would pertect him agin the " orful 
 Yankees." 
 
 But while Nuthern heroes is kivering tharselves with glory in 
 the South, wot is sum of your white-livered Nuthern eddyturs 
 dooin to hum. Givin " aid and comfort" to the enemee that our 
 troops is discurnforted in every battle. By Jeehosyfat ! it makes 
 my blud bile. Right afore me as I rite lies a coppy of the Inde- 
 pendent, published in your city. Wot does it say ? Why that 
 the eddytur is inforint as Seward ses the war kant suckseed ; 
 that the Europian powers will reckognize the C. S. ; that Weed 
 is gon to England to ax the British ministers ef they mean to 
 cotton to the South ; that ef they do, our Guverment, bein 
 hopeless of keepin tb.e Union together, will sue for a piece ; and 
 that tliarupon the kentry will go to destruckshin as ef the devil 
 kickt it. Git the paper, and see ef I hev eggsagerated. In fack 
 it lowers us more than the abuv. Whoever perpetraitord the 
 paragraft, should be sent at wunst either to Fort Laugheryet or 
 to a Loonatic Assilum. 
 
 " Then thars that " Muff" of a feller as rites letters here for the 
 Triboon. Honest old Abe, Camerun, and Maclellin, hes all 
 gin him the cold sholder, and ef they gin him the foot insted of 
 the sholder, he would oney got his jest desarts. He ses thars not 
 wunraaly well dessiplind regiment in tJie kentry, and that the army 
 is a mere mob both offsirs and men ! This is the liebellious 
 stuff he rites for the Triboon, a paper as portends to be paytri- 
 otic ! Darn setcli snaix in the grass, I say. Let the nashun put 
 its heel on thar misabul heads. But no let 'em crawl They're 
 not wuth crushin. Tuey kant hurt old E Pluvt/us Unum long 
 may he rain t
 
 84 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Knowin that my vews in this letter will goinside with yourn 
 and the public's, I remain, as ushil. 
 
 Yours allns, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXVILL 
 
 [The old war-horse pitches remorselessly into the Administra- 
 tion- and not without reason for its tenderness to spies and trai- 
 tors. Why should not the lex talionis be applied to the traitor 
 eaves-droppers taken within our lines ? Union men are harried 
 out of house and home, tarred and feathered, tortured, and in 
 many instances put to death, by rebel ruffians; while Southern 
 spies, caught in the North in flagrante delieto, are treated as pris- 
 oners of war ! We think, with our indignant correspondent, 
 that rope is not as prominent a feature as it ought to be in the 
 martial policy of the Government. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, November 22, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Mcrkary : 
 
 The thousands of dollars dispersed by the Guverment for 
 resting spies and pervidin em with evry cumfort at the fashina- 
 bul milentary hottels of Fort Warren and Fort Laugheryet, 
 mought better be infested in shot and shells. It would be jest as 
 eesy to sprinkle down a prayery fire with a New York water-cart, 
 as to stop the rebels' spygame by setch delicut treatment. When 
 we sees a traitor we ushir him inter a plesent and commojus 
 kage, whar he whissels and sings and smokes his meresham, and 
 enjies his osliam cum dignitraitor on the fat of the land. But ef 
 wun of our emiseries is ketched within the rebel lines, up he 
 goes to the neardest limb strong enuff to bare his wait. No- 
 boddy tries to git out a rit of Have his Coi'pus for him ; and cf 
 they did, the presence of his boddy in court, arter his sole lied 
 left the airth, would be a useless form. Why kant we take 
 a leef outer the seecesh book, and string up thar spies like 
 inions, as they do our onfortnit Pilgarlicks ? Instcd of permit- 
 ting em to admire the prospeck from the loopholes of our forts, 
 make em breefly ackwainted with the landskip through the loop- 
 hole of a hafe-inch rope, and send em to jine Benny Dick Arnold 
 in a futur State, whar seecesshin is onpossabul that's my doc- 
 tering I
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 85 
 
 The oney cheep, conveenient and effectall way of dealin with 
 traitor spies is to hang em. They merit death and should be 
 treated cordingly. I wouldn't be afeard to bet my Crymean 
 medal again a South Caroliny major's shirt-collar and spurs, 
 thars more*n a hunderd of em in the Deestrick at this moment 
 in reglar entercurse with the enemee. Sum of em is said to 
 keep carryer pidgins, and no sunner is a grand coo detarmined 
 on by the guverment than the particklers is on the wing to 
 Richmound. 
 
 The fassility with witch suspishus carrickters gits appoint- 
 ments is a caushin to Cabbynets. I met in Pennsylvany avenoo 
 yestday arternoon a Volunteer Kurnil and he's kwite poplar 
 with the war department too as I heerd with my own ears 
 torkin red-mouthed seeceshin in a newspaper offiz in New York 
 not more'n six inunths ago. And I could tell you of a Kwarter- 
 master, a feller from Tennesee, who sed in my heering arter the 
 takin of Fort Sumter, that he was goin back to his nativ State 
 to take up arms agen the U. S. guverment. Mebbe they're" 
 refonned traitors ; but ef so thar convarshin was amazin rapid. 
 Howsever I shall keep my eye onto em, and onto three or four 
 more cases of a simildar nater, and ef they sho enny simtums of 
 a relaps, they'll be heerd on at Head Kwarters almity sucldent. 
 In the meentime I take the libty of advisin the Seckatiy of War 
 and Ginral Maclellin to keep thar eyes skinned, for to my sartin 
 nolledge pollytickle intreeg and pursonal asshurance lies obtaind 
 commishins for men who oughter hev solid masonry and bar 
 irun atwixt them and the honest porshin of the publick. 
 
 The seeser of the two rebel plenipenitentiaries continnees to 
 be the universal tropic of conversashin, and is warmly disgust. 
 I understand Lord Lyons ses they must be restored right side up 
 with keer to the British Guvmeut, and in coarse all the jackalls 
 belongin to the legashin barks up the same tree. I hope they'll 
 heva good time perswadin honest Old Abe to give em up. By the 
 way, Wilkes got off rayther a good thing, line told, when axed 
 by his Lordship's privit seckatry how he dared to board a British 
 steamer. 
 
 " Wai, my frend," ses the Commydore, in his solem way, " I 
 thort as the Caroline was Mac-Nabbed in American waters, I was 
 jestified, onder the suckemstances, in nabbing the Trent on the 
 high seas." 
 
 The legashin feller dident see it. 
 
 Sumboddy told the story to Prentice of the Looistille Jernfl, at 
 Forney's party tuther evenin, and that vetran joker remarkt that
 
 86 WABLETTEBSOF 
 
 the rool of tit-f )r-tat dident seem to be the Eule Britannia. Assist- 
 ant Atturney Ginral Coffee sed he dident cunsidder England hed 
 eany grounds of complaint, and Giural Porter felt sartain that 
 the hull aifair would eeud in froth. 
 
 It appeers that a curus mistake oridginated outer the fust dis- 
 patch as arrove here announsin the capter of Mason and Sly- 
 dell. It is stated that Wilkes, knowin they were passengers on 
 the British steamer, made np his mind to " briny her too" This 
 gin rise to a report that the San Jasinto hed ackilly brort the 
 Trent inter Hamton Hoads with the plenipenitentiaries on board, 
 and the Washington Tellagraft, which never misses a lie by 
 enny axident, would hev spred the preshus noose from here to 
 Californy afore this time, ef the wire-pullers at the offiz hedent 
 ben stopt by a speshil rnessinger from the Navy Department ! 
 Setch moddest fabels as the romance of the Three Black Crows 
 would be considerd in these diggins near enuff to gospel trooth 
 to administer the oath of alegions on ! 
 
 We hev plesent informashin from Kaintucky to-day. The 
 rebel Ginral Zollycougher's troops are desarting bekase they 
 kant get thar pay, and it is sed he finds it onpossabul to raise the 
 wind to replenish his milentary chest. In fack desarshin hes 
 made setch a hole in his army, that he's hed to beat a retreat 
 throo the Gap. 
 
 Intellegence has also ben receved at the War Department 
 from Bnfort that the delirium trimmings prisoner as was tuck 
 with fits arter the fight, is sloly rekiverin from a state of sincopy 
 and hes exprest a wish to take the oath of fidelity to the consti- 
 tushin and a glass of red-eye. 
 
 The revew of sixty -five thousand sojers by Maclellin on Wens- 
 day was a high old specktickle, and ef the raal tragedy wen it 
 cums off is ekwil to the rehearsal, Bull Run will be tearabully 
 revenged. Trustin as the fitin of our troops will be as good as 
 thar faintin, I remane, wulfishly, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 
 
 No. XXIX. 
 
 [It is evident that our patriotic correspondent is fully in the 
 confidence of the Administration ; but, like a man of honor, he 
 neitnei- discloses the information imparted to him under the seal
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 87 
 
 of secrecy, nor prowls among the understrappers of the Gov- 
 ernment seeking intelligence from disreputable sources. "We 
 commend his amusing account of a morning at General Mc- 
 Clellan's head-quarters to the attention of such of our readers 
 as arc " troubled with humor." EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, November 29, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of tlie Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The hurry-up-your-cakes fackshin lies wunst more opend its 
 saft-shell battrees agen the administrashin. " Doos Ginral Mac- 
 Icllin ever mean to stir ?" is the cry of the misabul spoons as got 
 us inter hot water at Bull Run. 
 
 O ! my " forrard movement" frends, dont let your bile over- 
 flo. Paws, O milentary Eddyturs ; hold your hands, O sevagar- 
 us curryspondents as sheds your ink so freely on your native 
 foolscap, for three cents a line paws and simmer down. You 
 air wastin stayshinnery in attemptin to drive things ahed. The 
 Cnmmander-in-Cheef doosent keer a bullrush for your dietribes. 
 He's not " a reed shaken by the wind," and you kant bamboosell 
 him inter raisin Cain afore he feels sarsy abel to fite and conker. 
 Tharfore, you mought as well dror in your horns and stop 
 soundin your battle trumpits. 
 
 Howsever, tho all seams smooth and cam, we air on the eve 
 of mity events, as Adam remarkt to his wife when they fust got 
 thar eyes skinned in the Gardin, and began to look around for a 
 reddy-made clothin store and a mantoomakin establishment. 
 Oney wait tell the rebel meatropolis is removed to Gnashveal 
 and the mouths of all the Suthern harbers is choked with cob- 
 ble-stuns drapt inter the chaps of thar channils, and then you'll 
 see the grand army showin its teeth in aimest. 
 
 Honest Old Abe is in closte confabulashin with Ginral Mac- 
 lellin every day, and as I hev the confidense of both, they some- 
 times permit me (arter hevin repeated the oath to sport and 
 sustain the Constitooshin and give no sucker to the enemee) to 
 take peart in thar counsultashins. 
 
 A few mornins senst I went with our poplar cheef madgis- 
 treet to call on the Ginral at his head-kwarters, and a very ples- 
 ent, and in fack jolly palavver we hed together ; for altho both 
 is church-members, they think, like the famus methodest domino, 
 that the Evil Wun hes no right to hev all the funny games to his- 
 self. When me and the President arrove at the Ginral's house, 
 he warn't up, hevin ben out on a cruse among the rebel posts 
 the cvenin afore, besides consumin the midnight ile the night
 
 83 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 arter his return, in ritin letters. We sent up our kcards by an 
 orderly, and lie brung us ward that as sun as the Ginral hed 
 shaved, and tuck a shower bath, and hed his coffee, and red mor- 
 nin prayers with his milentary famaly, our case would be attend- 
 ed to. I thort it rather curus that he should keep the represen- 
 tative of Uncle Sam watin hafe an hour in the aunty-rum, as ef 
 he'd ben a kentry cussin, but the President oney larfed and sed 
 it was Mac's way he was a simple-minded republican, and 
 didn't stand on ceremunny with him or enny uther man. 
 
 Presently the Ginral made his apperiance in his dressin 
 gownd and slippers, and a cigar in his mouth, and shuck hands 
 with us as corjally as ef we'd both ben his bruthers in arms. 
 We then sot down, and the conversashin at wunst took a gay 
 and spritely turn. 
 
 " Mac," ses the President, " do you know that Seckatry Welles 
 is a gay old boy, notwithstandin his gray hairs and his grown-up 
 famaly?" 
 
 " Howd' you make that out ?" replide the ginral, in his short, 
 sharp way ; " I've allus onderstud he was considerd a moddel 
 Christian in the land of steddy habits." 
 
 " For all that he's a Giddy-un," rejined the wittyest of wood- 
 choppers, sinilding vialcntly. 
 
 " Wai," ses I, wishin to let the seckatry up eesy, for he's a 
 frend of mine, " you mought jest as well hang a dorg as giv him 
 a bad name." I sed that by way of defendin the absent, but I 
 thort the President considerd the remark rayther otray, as they 
 say in France, altho he dident say so. 
 
 We then begun to tork of the Port Rile affare, and I axed 
 Mr. Lincoln why Guverment wouldent allow Senitor Simmons, 
 of Rhode Island, to turn a nonest penny by sendin a cargo of 
 noshins to Bufort. Quick as a wink he anserd, " that altho the 
 troops was in want of many things, it warn deemed advisabul 
 that they should hev enny per- Simmons." I judged from the 
 reply, that mebbe the spiritalist Senitor hed ben overly ankshus 
 to repe the frutes of rebellyun. But arter all, why not giv him a 
 chanst ? Ef he doosent skin the onfortnit sogers, some sutler- 
 man will. 
 
 The subjeck of Bucannon's defense of hisself by Ex-Atur- 
 ney Ginral Black arterwards came up, and Maclellin, who is 
 kwite a skollard, remarkt that considerin who it was ritten by 
 and who it was ritten of, the motto oughter be from Horace 
 " nigger est." I spose its to be found somewhars in the Triboon, but 
 darn me ef / know what it meens, for I was too proud to ax.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 89 
 
 Ilowsever I larfed for cumpany's sake. I knew they -was runnin 
 a saw on old Buck, and that was enuff for me. 
 
 At this pint of the conversashin the Venabul Abe, who would 
 rayther get off a good joke than eat, enny time, inkwired of 
 Ginral Maclellin ef he was awar that Ginral Rosecrans was tho 
 gratest blackleg in the kentry. Maclellin turnt verry red, and 
 sed twarnt so, surnboddy hed ben slanderin that galliant offsir. 
 
 " My dear sir," replide the President, mildly, with a sly wink 
 of his wether eye at me, " do you considder Floyd, the cannon 
 thief, a gallus scoundril ?" 
 
 " I do !" said the Ginral emfatically. 
 
 " Wai," rejincd Mr. Lincoln, " and warn't he more'n a match 
 for Floyd on the Cheat ?" 
 
 I thort Maclellin would hev caterpillerd. He rored tell he 
 was black in the face, and the President had to pat him on the 
 back to bring him too. 
 
 In this kinder dimond-cut-dimond small tork we wild away 
 mebbe an hour or so. Ef it waru't "a feest of resin and a 
 flo of sole," thar never was wun. I wisht I could oney remem- 
 ber hafe the brilyant flashes of genus of every speshis as 
 was got of. It was an exhibishin of humorous firewurks mpre 
 eesily emagined than deskribed. The November meeteors doos- 
 ent cumpar with it 
 
 Subsekwently we went inter serous bizness, and setteld on an 
 actyve programmy for the rest of the camppain. But for the 
 oath prevously deluded to, you should hev the particklers. Suf- 
 fize it to stjy that the rebels will get it hot and hevvy. Lucking 
 ankshusly for the blessed crysis when we shall be in a condishin 
 to tickel thar toby, I hev the honor to be, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXX. 
 
 [The account given by our quaint old friend of the altercation 
 between the President and Secretary Cameron is particularly 
 rich and racy. The most implicit confidence may be placed in 
 the general accuracy of the dialogue. The hints in the daily 
 papers in relation to the quarrel or, to speak gingerly, the dif- 
 ference of opinion between Mr. Lincoln and Mr. Cameron, are,
 
 90 "WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 we are assured on the best authority, very wide of the mark. 
 
 EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, December 6, 1801. 
 Eddyturs of tlie Sunday MerJcary : 
 
 Thars ben an iinproovin time here atween Abraham and 
 Simon. I mean, in coarse, atween the Hed of the Nashin and 
 the lied of the War burrow. These two hcds hed a lively 
 brush on Sunday. Thar idees clashed on the subjeck of anning 
 the woollyheds, and arter considabul iffing and butting, they 
 both hauled oiF without hevin made the slytest impresshin on 
 wunanuther. Honest Old Abe, who deerly luvs his own way 
 and hes a hart as tender as a biled turnip, wanted Camerun to 
 alter his vews about setting the blacks onto the whites, war- 
 upon, as I onderstand, the Sekatry declined to make the altera- 
 shin and the follerin altercashin ensood. 
 
 ABE. Sir, the Slavery mancipashin questen is a notty pint. 
 Thars a split on it now in the North, and what you say in your 
 report about armin the niggers and settin em on to mall thar 
 masters, would oney act as a wedge to widen the fisher. You 
 air not axed for opinions, sir, but oney for statements. Ef yom 
 dojckyment was to go to Congress ondockt, all the consarvativs 
 would say I was barkin up the same tree as yourself, and I 
 should be railed at as onworthy of my post by all the Suthern 
 Unionists. You must dock off that porshin of the tail eend of 
 your report whar you say it may be the " dooty" of the Guver- 
 ment to " arm and ekwip'' the darkeys. Sir, I insist upon it. 
 
 SIMON. Mister President, I owe it to myself to say it kant be 
 dun. I wont take back a sillybull. Ive sent the report to the 
 papers with orders for it to go in, and tharfore it must cum out. 
 War to the, nife and the nife to the hilt is my watchword, and ef 
 you want to play at push-pin with rebellyun, insted of smitin the 
 Fillistins hip and thigh, you must git anuther Seckatry of War. 
 
 ABE (sourcastically). The jaw of an ass, Mr. Seckatry, isent 
 as powerful a weepin now as it was in the days of Samson and 
 the Fillistins, and tharfore line ankshus to hev the objeckshun- 
 abul claws struck out. It is onwurthy of your talons as a states- 
 man. Suppose your blud is up it is your bizness as a polly- 
 tishen to dror it mild. 
 
 SIMON. Mr. President, the remarks you kwarril with in my 
 messidge to Con I mean my report to you was not dictated by 
 mollevolence nor wicked annymosity, but by a Simon Pure 
 regard for that high old morrill precept : " The eend sankshins 
 the means." The whining pollytishins as blubbers at the idee
 
 A DISBANDED VOLtTNTEER. 01 
 
 of arrnin the blacks, is a set of hypercritical Charlolans, 
 and nuthin shorter. Could the bluddiest of Afrikins act more 
 like devils ingarnet, than the white blackguards of South Caro 
 liny, and Georgy, and Alabammer hes acted. Why should we 
 treat them with bon Jiominy and considerashin, when they 
 thretten to hyst the black flag, and refuse to giv up the ded 
 boddies of our slain frends, and thrust thar pilsners of war inter 
 unholesurn dungins, whar they shoot ein throo the winders, and 
 lear with butcherly ej^es at evry Nuthemer that passes throo thar 
 streets, cryin " Kill ! kill ! kill !" 
 
 ABE. Enuff of this Mister Camerun and rayther more. / 
 am President of these United States not you. Ef you think 
 Ime a poppit to foller the moshins whenever Simon ses wiggle- 
 waggle, youve mistaken your man. Ef twenty four millyuns of 
 honest Nuthern Unionists kant flax out six millyons of ongrate- 
 ful Suthern rebils without a servile war, the angler-Saxon race 
 isent fit to hold the rod of Empire even on this side of Mason and 
 Dickson's line. 
 
 SIMON. "Well, Mister President, all I hev to say, in conclnshin 
 is, that even ef my report should caws my discharge, I wont 
 alter it. 
 
 ABE. You needent go off at hafe cock, Mister Seckatry. Ime 
 not goin to dismiss you at least not rite away ; but I shall wipe 
 out your nigger-arniin subjestshin, previus to sendin the docky- 
 ment to Congress. 
 
 SIMON (rayther sulkily). "Well, do as you like, I see we kaiit 
 set up our bosses together. 
 
 ABE. Never mind, my frond, so long as you fatten yourn at 
 the public crib. 
 
 SIMON (savagely). Say, Mister President, you're fond of can- 
 nondrums, ken you tell me why youre like the North Wind. 
 
 ABE (playfully). Mebbe its bekase you find me purty cutting, 
 Mister Camerun. 
 
 SIMON (malislmsly). No, Sir, its bekase youre a " blusterin 
 railer." 
 
 ABE (coolly). Very good, Mister Seckatry and do you 
 know why youre like a sartain profit as was swallered by a 
 whale ? 
 
 SIMON (reflectively). Prehaps bekase I shall be hard to keep 
 down and may turn up all right when least eggspected. 
 
 ABE (in Ms usual sly way). No, but bekase I shall throw you 
 overboard whenever setch a sackrifice is nessesary to asswage the 
 storm. You would hev to go, my frend, ef the publick good
 
 92 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 reckwired it ; so you'd better squar your pollysee by my wishes, 
 my Simon, ef you want to be Simon bar Jonah ! 
 
 Eggsit Simon. Abe whissels, and the curtin falls. 
 
 The President is in better luck than the old man in the Don- 
 key fabil. His Messidge tickcls eenamost evrybody, without it 
 is the rebels, and in coarse it is intended to tetch them in the 
 raw. 
 
 Within a fortnit, mebbe within a week, you'll hear of a big 
 thing in the way of a skriimnage not a hunderd milds from these 
 diggins. Onless Bowerygard and Johnstun back down, thar'll 
 be a battle on the Sulphurino skale afore New Years, jest as shure 
 as Bellsabub beleeves in broilin brutal braggarts in brimstun. I 
 could say more but mums the word ontil the fo is beaten to a 
 mummy. 
 
 You hed a jolly time in New York I larn over Opdike's eleck- 
 sin. Well you hev a right to holler now youre outer the Woods 
 both Fernando and Benjamin. Thar was plenty of cheatin on 
 thar side I spose, but the lottery policy doosent dror a prize in 
 pollyticks every time. 
 
 Hopin that a new erie is commensing in witch all tiine-sarving 
 humbugs will be swampt, I remain hopefully, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXXI. 
 
 [Our old friend seems to be a good deal exercised on the negro 
 question, and although we may not exactly agree with him, we 
 have no objection to his ventilating his opinions through our 
 columns. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, December 13, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Ime afeard the omnipleasant nigger is goin to make trubble 
 here this winter. Thars sed to be a congresshinal majority in 
 favor of placin our arms in his hands and makin a milentary 
 cumraid and bruther of him. A sartain New England Sennytur 
 hes redooced the propersishin to black and white, and intends to 
 interduce a woolley-head Bill in the Sennit, embracin his idees. 
 Wun thing is beyont contraversy namely that publick opinyun 
 here is very mcey versy. Ef Congress passes the meshur, the
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 93 
 
 President will probly cum down on it with his offishal nigger- 
 tive. Mutch as I admire our Afrikin friend I don't think we 
 could afford to swop the best white sojer in the Union for him, 
 and as Ginral Maclellin would onquestenably resine ef Sambo 
 was put in uniform, I predicate we lied better let our ebony 
 feller creturs shell corn, and our white brethren with har on 
 their heads shell the rebels. The Sunday Merkary I bleve is 
 slitely inklined to carry Afriky inter the war, and so far as 
 sholderin " de shovel and de ho " to dig ditches and raze airth- 
 wurks is consarned, I go in for it too ; but when it cums to shol- 
 derin the musket, thars no culler of resin for it, when we've 
 got six hunderd thousand white fokes in the feeld. Prehaps the 
 best thing we ken do with our Ethiopian cussin is to wurk him 
 and pay him doorin the war, and send him whar he ken keep 
 hisself too hisself afterwards. Sum years ago we was goin to 
 buy the Sandwitch Hands. Why wouldn't that be a fust rate 
 locashin for " persons held to serve us," as the Constitooshin hes 
 it? Arter bein treated all their lives as Sons of Ham, they 
 would in coarse be glad to be colonized among the Sandwitches. 
 
 Good tidins is looked for frum the Mussysippy purty recently. 
 The gunboat squadrun is now reddy, and ef the flowtiller doosent 
 git inter a tight place, or run agen a snag, the Father of Waters 
 will sun be ourn from St. Louis to whar it debauches inter the 
 sea. The advantidge of this moovrnent must be a parent to all, 
 for at present we oney hold the river to Cairo, heving so far found 
 it onpossabul to get a step father. 
 
 Orders hes ben isssod, I onderstand, to raise the rebel block- 
 head on the lower Potomac, and Bragadear Ginral Sickles is sed 
 to be on the Key veve for a brush with the disunionists in that 
 f ejin. He's a fine man is Ginral Sickles, and ef he's as mutch 
 beloved by his sojers now as he was when on Staten Hand, thar 
 isent wun of em as wouldent cherfully foller him to his deth. 
 
 Abe and his lady is both in salubrus helth, and feel confident 
 that the North and South will shortly lay down together as the 
 lion and the lamb did in Pairodice, afore the lamb was awar that 
 the lion had a hankerin arter mutton. The venabul Head of the 
 Nashin hes been a good deal intersted in the Bible kwotashins 
 lately published in the noosepapers. He was naterally indignant 
 to find em bogus, and that he had sairtched the skripters in vain. 
 But it warnt altogether in vain nuther, for he informt me he hed 
 drived great consolashin from the Book of Sams, and speshily 
 from Sam Forty, verse seven. On turnin to the passidge I found 
 these sole refreshin words " MANASSES is MINE," witch I hope
 
 94 WAB LETTEBS OP 
 
 it will prooye so. I subjested howscver that ef we kommence 
 firing texts at the Sutherners they rnought giv us as good as we 
 sent ef not more so. Frinstance ses I, run your eyes over Isayer, 
 and in wun of the chapters youll diskiver the follerin sentence ".Z 
 will say to the North giv up." He peered to be rather tuck aback 
 by the langwedge of the profit ; so I told him by way of a flyer 
 that accordin to Doctor Cheever, it meant as the North should giv 
 up to the abelishinists. 
 
 The yung grandsuns of the late Loose Fillup seems to enjoy 
 tharselves here, drinkin thar bumpers of shampain and shat- 
 ter margo, and actin as aids to the ginral-in-chief. No dout 
 they'll do thar dooty when it cums to hard nocks, and realize the 
 hopes of thar galliant uncle the Dook of A Maul. The Prince 
 of Sam Sam, late of Prooshia, is also figgering around consida- 
 bul, and thars several Hungry counts as wants to be counted in 
 when the time cums for pitchm inter the secesh humsteds. 
 Sum on em I suspeck warnt of much a count whar they formally 
 belonged. But war brings all sorts of furrin ware to the surfiz. 
 I met a German in a major's uniform in Willard's Sally Manger 
 yesterday, as I seen standin opposit Saint Paul's church in New 
 York not rnore'n two mouths ago, with a basket full of young 
 puddle dorgs for sale. 
 
 As was to be andizzypated, John Bull was tuck with a ver- 
 teego it seems when he heered of Slydell and Mason's captor, but 
 I reckin arter tossen his horns a spell he'll dror em in. Nobody 
 here is skared a mite about the maggot he's got inter his head. 
 Let him take keer we don't hawl him over the coals for aideu 
 and cumfurten the vile incinderary, Pegram and his feller 
 pints. 
 
 Trustin that a collushin with the enemee will come off afore the 
 contractors hev sacked all the Guvernments reddy rino, Iremane 
 with grate devoshin to the Sunday Merkary, the President, and 
 the Nayshinal Egul, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. XXXII. 
 
 [We place the firmest reliance on our correspondent's confi- 
 dent prediction that peace will be preserved. His opportunities
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 95 
 
 for ascertaining the intentions of the President on all important 
 points are of a kind not enjoyed by any other writer for the 
 press in "Washington. There is no danger of a collision with 
 England at the present crisis. But, as the " Disbanded" hints, 
 a time may 4ome ! EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, December 20, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkai-y : 
 
 So the British lion's tail's a waggin, and the wun horned 
 fablus animal as doos the Circus pony bizness on the uther side 
 of the English diedam has assumed a buttin attitood arid the 
 munkey of the hull Rile menadjery is considabully up. The 
 sellybrated American War Fowl, as makes his nest in the thun- 
 der cloud, and roosts on a streek of litenin, and looks the blazin 
 sun right in the eye, is also eggsighted sum. But He bet a gold 
 peace to a Bellona sossidge, thar wont be no war. I spose all 
 the Wall street flneseers and stock-jobbers is brakin out in 
 goose pemples at the thort of it. Tell the misabul moneymaniacs 
 to cam thar felines and not let the threts of the British press to 
 give us rats wurry em enny. 
 
 Evrybody sposed that snakin the rebel plenipenitentiariea 
 from onder the British flag would caws an angry crow from 
 evry cockney Chapman. When the Trent reached the Thames 
 in coarse thar was an orful moovin of the waters. But tho John 
 Bull's choler was up, his best stock went down, witch shows 
 that altho a stiff-necked animal, the idee of a fight with the Yan- 
 kees gin him a pain in his pocket. Thar'll be an allmity big 
 tork, but no shindy. Wove no time to tend to outside bizness 
 till the Cotton States is flaxed out, and John, arter considerin 
 the barings of the hull matter over his pipe and his pewter, will 
 find out that the game aint worth the taller, and be in no hurry 
 to pitch inter his best customer without resin. I calkilate thar- 
 fore that arter an all-thnnderin waste of paper and red tape, it 
 will all eend in asshoorances of the most distingwished consid- 
 erashin. 
 
 The thing hes got to be argufied, ennyhow. I like Wilkses 
 grit, but ef that son of Neptin went further than he'daughter, 
 the missdeed must be disdained and Brittania mollyfied. Loose 
 Napollyon proposes, they say, to act as abittraitor, and as he 
 wunst was a London perleeceman he aughter know how to keep 
 the peace. Sum thinks he'd be glad to jine England, ef she's 
 inklined for a crewsaid agen us, to give emplyment to his sir- 
 plush navy and divert the publick mind from hum affairs. Its
 
 96 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 my opinyun as the newy of his unkil zs raytlier in a bad fix ; 
 but with an empty treshury I dont see how he ken help England 
 or even hisself, onless he goes to his nnkil at the Mount de Piety 
 and puts his regaly up the spout to raise the wind. 
 
 But ennyways its our place to calkilate all the chances and 
 keep cool. In the present crysis, brutherly felines and consilly- 
 tory purceedins tords furrin powers is our dooty as devoted Chris- 
 tians. When weve roped in the South we kin tend to the 
 Europyens (darn em !), but not afore. " Peace on airth and Good 
 Will to Men," should be the nayshinal watchwurd ontil arter 
 Jeff Davis, Floyd, Pickens and cumpany, is hung. 
 
 Bennett I notis is dooin his darndest to help his Suthren 
 frends, by urgin the North to get up a war with England. The 
 seeceshers here say he's the trooest frend they hev on the foot- 
 stool, and that altho the Suthern pus is rayther low, he lies oney 
 to speak ef he wants more of the yaller stuff outer their corrup- 
 shin fund. They're not without gratitood these rebels. I hope 
 no harm will ever happen to Bennett ; but if thar doosent, its a 
 pruff that the " wages of sin" hes ben considabully redooced 
 sense the New Testament was issood. 
 
 I hed a long confab with Honest Old Abe yestday arter he 
 receved the dispatches by the steamer. His spirts was as good 
 as wheat, and he got off several cannondrums of the loudest 
 kind. He was about hafe way throo with a speshil messidge to 
 Congress and he axed me why it warn't like the Bible. I caved 
 in without a neffort, and he sed with an engagin smile, that it 
 disresembled the Bible bekase it warn't wholly writ. 
 
 Then he worked away on his onfinished messidge for a wile ; 
 but held up suddently, as ef sumthin hed occurd to him, and 
 inkwired ef I knew why his pen was like his cabbynet. 
 
 " I reckin," ses I, " it's bekase it's fust rate and goes along 
 smooth and easy." 
 
 " No, my slo frend," he replide sharply, " the resin is thars an 
 onwriteous big split in it." 
 
 " But," ses I, " obnockshus Cabbynet advisers isent like pens." 
 
 " Why not?" ses he. 
 
 " Bekase," ses I, with a confidenshal wink, " they hev never 
 ben considerd stationery." 
 
 The blessed old man larfed all over. It doosent take much to 
 tickel him. 
 
 When he hed cumposed hisself, I axed him wot sort of an 
 anser was goin out to the British guverrnent to-day, remarkin 
 that ef it was onderstood the Canarder hed carrid out an onfa-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 97 
 
 vorable reply thar'd likely be some lame ducks in Wall street 
 albre long. 
 
 He prornply rejined that thar was nuthin in the dispatches per 
 Afriky to warrant enny black forebodins. 
 
 "Is the blasted plenipenitentiaries to be gin up?" ses I (I 
 couldent help it). 
 
 " We shall purtest agin it ef we do it !" he responded. 
 
 " So will the nashin, line afeard," ses I. 
 
 "Mebbe so," he exclamed, thortfully; "but it's all for the 
 best." 
 
 " Couldent we keep wun of the hang-dog raskils ?" ses I, 
 feroshusly ; for I felt real wurmy at the idee of thar squinnin 
 outer our hands. " Couldent we giv em Mason and keep that 
 slippery son of a soap-biler, Slydell, Avho's as full of lies as wun 
 of his father's vats ?" 
 
 " Ah !" ansered the venabul statesman, " I know wot your 
 felines is, old boy, and mine's jest as wulfy. But we kant afford 
 lucksirees at present. We must finish one shindy afore we pitch 
 inter anuther." 
 
 He was right, Eddyturs, he was right ; but rath will keep ef 
 its bottled up keerfully for futur use ; and in the meantime we 
 kin let the South hev a few vials of it, hot and hevvy. 
 
 All the bar-rum pollytishins here is torkin turkey about seesin 
 Canady, and smashin things genally, in the Herald stile ; but 
 that'll be no war, and that ile gambol on. 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. XXXTH. 
 
 The fire and vigor which usually characterize the letters of 
 the spunky Old Soldier are not as conspicuous as usual in the 
 following communication. It seems as if the concessions made, 
 or to be made, by our Government to John Bull, on account of 
 the Trent affair, and the do-nothing policy of the military author- 
 ities at Washington, had produced a depressing effect on the 
 spirits of the brave old man. We fear that the Grand Army of 
 the Potomac is destined to inglorious inaction for the next three 
 months though we hope otherwise. No wonder that our vet- 
 5
 
 98 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 eran friend chafes at the idea of Tiy~bernoMng within a few hours' 
 march of an enemy inferior in numbers, poorly clothed, and by 
 no means a match for the Federal cohorts either in artillery- 
 practice or in close encounter. He cannot understand it 
 neither can AVC neither can the People. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, December 27, 1861. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Poplar fury sun rises to a grate hight in this kentry, but altho 
 AVC git up a tree allmity rapid (as is the case ginally with peeple 
 in ardent climes), yet our eggsightinent kwickly sobsides, and 
 then we air Avillin to consider the subjeck cooly in all its 
 branches. Setch has ben the case in the Sam Jasinto and Trent 
 dissentshun. At fust our Ebbynesir Avas up, and even I Avent it 
 on the loud for an emute with England. Naterally enufF in the 
 fust instants, we thort John Bull wanted to take advantidge of 
 our diiferculties, and we called him a mean cuss ; but as sun's 
 AVC sor he manyfisted a dispersishin to disgust the matter in an 
 amacobble sperit, our guvermcnt sed at Avunst with the utmost 
 libriilty and afubility " Spit it out, Old Buffer, and ef youve 
 been ronged in a matter of etliketty, we'll make it all right, right 
 away." JoLn, Avho isent a bad feller, considerin he's a furriner 
 and doosent speak English as goo.l as we do, was mitily sweet- 
 end up by this mark of caiidysensliin, and rcplide, "Hiliassent 
 Hirne satisfied." So the rumpuss may be lucked on as over, 
 an.l all dannger of a bluddy catastrophy at an eend. 
 
 Ssward, they do say, lies played his kcards all-thunderin crafty 
 in this bizness. He represented to the British ambassydor that 
 nuthin Avould please Loose Napollyon better "n to see England 
 and the United States pitchiu inter Avun anuther, hopin, in 
 coarse, that Brittannia, in the eend, \vould ketch a tartar. As 
 Lyons hates the Enipror wus than pisin, this veAV of the case 
 gin a soft and silky turn to the negoshiashins. and the way they 
 liundeld the kwcstin wa so all-flatterin smooth and plesent that 
 noboddy could a sposed ihar was eiiny sharp claAVs onderneath 
 the velvet. 
 
 Ginral Scott's letter, too, dun a heep of good, and his return 
 from Payris Avith a sekrit vnessidge to our Guverrnent from L. N. 
 was jest in the nick of time to prevent an internayshmal mill, or, 
 as a Cockney sed to me at "VVillard's to-day, it Avas " singlarly 
 hoppertune." 
 
 The sojers at Arlinton Hights feested high on Christmas Day. 
 line afeard thar isent poltery eniiff left for seed in that neybrood,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 09 
 
 f- _ 
 
 Gobblers was cornfisticated, ducks was abduckted, fouls was 
 oiifairly dealt with, and I calkilate from \vot I heerd of the 
 explites of our brave defenders among that speeshy of birds as 
 wunst saved the Capital, that most on em is sound on the goose. 
 
 Every entrenchment was a Fort Pickings, and when it cum to 
 an attact on the wings and brestworks evry ridgement dun its 
 dooty. 
 
 Wile the rank and file was eggsirsizin thar teeth on the fetherd 
 creashiu without distinckshin of age or sect, the oS'sirs was 
 bankwetting at thar kwarters, and by all ackounts they dident 
 do things by haves. They sellybrated the jovil ockashin with 
 few dejoys of sham pain and wished wun anuther inenny happy 
 returns, tell thar skins was as full of hidesick as Low's balloon 
 is of hydrygin when he goes on a lark inter the clouds. Not as 
 cuny on em got tite and went in for a bust. They kept thai-selves 
 right side up with keer ; and ef the fo hed cum they would hev 
 found em cummy fo. In coarse the gals they left beliint em was 
 drunk with the biggest kinder " hips !" and nuthin was wantin 
 but the actil presents of the safter sect to make it as jolly a nan- 
 nyversery as ever cum off anywars. All that eucherd the 
 galliant yung offsirs was they lied to go it alone. 
 
 Sum of the tosts (both reglar and volunteer) desplayed consid- 
 abnl gumpshin. A list of uppards of fifty hes ben kindly fur- 
 nisht me by the orthurs, from witch I hev cut the follerin. The 
 spellin is theirn, not mine, so Inie not responsibul for errors. 
 
 By an officer of the Sixty-ninth Our Sell-tick friends the 
 Sutlers. 
 
 By a Zouave Captain The Pet Lambs so called becaus they 
 always lam their enemies. 
 
 By a Lieutenant of the Seventy-ninth The Kilt. (Owing to 
 a slight misapprehension of this toast, it was drunk by the 
 officers of the Sixty-ninth standing and in silence.) 
 
 By a Boston artillery officer Federal shells wherever they 
 burst in the land of slaves may the yoke be broken 
 
 By a romantic aid de camp Soon may the winter of our 
 discontent be cheered by a glorious march. 
 
 By a Major in the Rifles May we soon have something 
 better to shoot at than Folly as it flies. 
 
 By a cavalry Colonel Heaven send us manlier work than 
 killing Time. 
 
 The rest is purty much in the same vane most on em bein 
 clamrush for a forrard moovemeut. The hull army hates the 
 idee of layin asleep all winter like a doormouse. They air
 
 100 WAB LETTEKS OF 
 
 wulfy ankshus to make the enemee's fur fly, and kant see the 
 objeck of setch a long paws. 
 
 Hopin they will be allowed fitin enuff to keep thar blud in 
 sirkelashin and thar weepins from bein eaten with rust, I 
 remain, with grate contempt for sartain slow coaches that shell be 
 nameless, 
 
 Yours alms, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXXIV. 
 
 [When the old fellow plants himself, rolls up his shirt-sleeves, 
 and " goes in" for a rough-and-tumble assault on corruption in its 
 strongholds, it is worth while to stand by and look on. We call 
 attention to the body-blows he pours into official thievery and all 
 its pets and myrmidons. No carpet-knight is he, when Wrong 
 is to be challenged, denounced, and assailed. Brave old boy ! 
 we like your spunk, and say Amen ! to your righteous maledic- 
 tions. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, January 3, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of tTie Sunday MerJcary : 
 
 Sartainly we Americans air Jobs, every man of uz. Sum few 
 may chafe and feel sore at the idee of never cumming to the 
 scratch with the enemee, while the kentry is goin to the devil, 
 but the Nayshin in ginral bares it all with a payshint smild. A 
 nrillyun of dollars is payed out daily, and wots to show for it ? 
 Wunst a week or so, thars a skrimmidge surnwhars, and mebbe 
 twenty or thirty rebels killed and wownded and mebbee not. 
 Evry secesher we rub out costs the North about a hunderd 
 thousand dollars, and prisners of war, at the lowest figger, fifty 
 thousand dolors a peace. Ef you no of enny mathermatishin 
 as ken calkilate the cost of flaxin the South, accordin to that 
 skale of prices, I wisht you to hev it dun, bekase I think a 
 skwint at the sum totil mought wake up the American people, 
 and show em the pressopeace tords witch thar clrivin. 
 
 An aiveridge dividend of not more'n thirty ded rebels a week, 
 on a weekly dispersement of millj r uns of dolors, peers at the 
 first glanst rayther a slim return. But I hope noboddy wurries 
 about it, bekase purty sun the tacks-getherers will be along and 
 then we shall pay all our dets down on the nail, and ef we chuse 
 to give the hyest price for milentary lucksirees, whose bizness i3
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 101 
 
 it ? Hevent we all ben makin our piles for the last kwarter of a 
 sentry, and aint we eenauiost tired of seein ern grow and raountin 
 gard over em ? Isent tliar gold enuff in Califoruy and Oregon 
 and cetery to remunnyrate the brave defenders of our kentry 
 and satisfy the multitood of all lired theeves that naterally 
 belongs to a grate rnilentary establishment ? Can't we dig it up 
 and fork it over jest as eesy as shuvelling peach-blows outer a 
 tater-patch ? So ef we want to play at war on the protracted 
 meetin prencepul, wots to hender us ? 
 
 The last parrygraft is intended sourcastically. Sourcasm, they 
 say, is a powerful weepiu, and ef I ken use it so as to gode my 
 kentrymen outer thar leathargy, and indooce them to lift up thar 
 vices and make thai-selves heerd by the slow-coinotives and doo- 
 nuthins at Washington, I shant waste my stashinery in vain. 
 Cheatin and robbery of a nater as would dror tears of indignashin 
 from the eyes of State Prison convicks, flurishes in evry depart- 
 ment of the public sarvis, from sutlers up to seckatries, and 
 thar's no chanst of the conflicks bein brort to a close while it 
 continnees. 
 
 As long as the War Goose lays goldin eggs in the nest of cor- 
 rupshin, thar'll be plenty of cacklin, but no concloosiv fightin. 
 Upon the honor of an old sojer, as never tuck the vally of a 
 chaw of tobacker over and abuv his jest doo, I bleve that ef sum 
 twenty of the mercynary hangers on of the guverment could be 
 strung up without mercy on Capitol Hill to-morrer mornin, it 
 would do more to shorten the war than a big victry over 
 the insirgents. And mark wot I say! it will cum to sum- 
 thin of that kind in the cend. Ef the guverment doosent make 
 a vertoo of necessty, the people will. When the skrews is put to 
 evry man's individyal pocket by the federal collectors, let the 
 all-plunderin vagabones of contractors luck to thar necks. The 
 hemp's growd and twisted that'll strangel sum of em yet. Isacur 
 is an ass that stoops atween two burdius. He ken stagger along 
 cherfully onder slagnashin in trade and the fare cost of a war, 
 but ef on top o' that you keep a pilin the devils own cxtrees till 
 his back bone begins to crack, up goes his blessed old heels at 
 last, and then bewar of the exassprated animal. 
 
 I reckin that outer the three hundred and odd inillyuns of 
 dolors eggspendecl senst last March, a good seventy-five millyuns 
 lies gon in cheatins, shavins, and theevins. The itums will 
 never be known tell the grate day when all ackounts is balanced, 
 and the sheep lies the satisfackshin of seein the billy-goats as 
 butted them on airth sent whar they belong.
 
 103 W A B LETTERS OF 
 
 I persooin the swinclcl on bosses alone amounts to considabul 
 over a niillyun, and as to the shoddy shave, ef you put it down 
 at the uiodcrat aivridge of five dollars a man for the hull army, 
 thar s three millyuus more. Evrything else hes ben furnisht on 
 the same paytriolick skale of profits, and in the West it is seel a 
 very purty bizness is dun in sellin fewill to the guvernment 
 agents at twenty per cent above its vally, and then stealin it and 
 sellin it to em agen at a small advance on the oridgenal swindel. 
 I hevent heerd of ennyboddys bein hauled over the coals for pur- 
 suin this new cut-and-curn-agen sistein of diggin inter the 
 treshury, but I larn on the contrary from a frend in Congress 
 that it is spoken of as a remarkabul speciment of American genus 
 by sum of the guverment offishalls, and that ef the inventor was 
 to apply at the pay tent offis he could git the right skewerd to 
 him for all the Nuthern States without the slytest trubble. 
 
 Honest Old Abe's hands is clean, but wot ken he do? He 
 pilots the ship of state as well as he nose how, but the pirits is 
 too strong for him. While he stands at the helium theyre all the 
 while brakin cargo, and onless he hed as many eyes as he hes 
 liars on his skalp, he couldent watch the theeves on the kwartcr 
 deck, to say nuthin of the gangs of villins continally swarmin 
 up the sides, and snakin thar way throo the port holes, and 
 swimmin around to grab wotever thar frends on board lets down 
 over the stam and bulwarks, and throo the cabbin winders. 
 Congress, howsever, ken do smnthin, and onless it takes meshers 
 to save the owdashis skoundrils from poplar fury, bj providin 
 for thar saift-keepin in jails, why then, as I sed afore, thar'll be a 
 hangin match wun of these days that'll astonish all corrupshin. 
 Ef the peeple wunst takes the job in hand, I dont seem to think 
 as high conneckshins at Washington will save sum of the cheef 
 plunderrnungers from makin an improvin eeud onder the awe- 
 species of a vigilants committee. Ive seen better men jerked 
 inter etarnity in Californy, for stealin bosses and setch, and thar 
 bodies pitched inter a trench like ded dogs by the peeple in Com- 
 mittee of the Hole. 
 
 It is rummerd around that thars to be an advance of the main 
 army in about two weeks, but I shell never bleve it ontil I hear 
 the drums beat and the trumpets blow. The ginral opinyun of 
 thortful men is that the last trumpet will sound afore thars a for- 
 rard moovement. 
 
 Hopen for the best but eggspectin nuthin, I remane in disgust, 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEK.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 103 
 
 No. XXXV. 
 
 [In the following characteristic letter, our veteran friend and 
 correspondent completely refutes the implied charge of a morn- 
 ing journal, that he was guilty of having invented the conver- 
 sations purporting to have taken place between the President and 
 himself, which have at several times appeared in his Washing- 
 ton letters, published in this paper. The formal document, es- 
 tablishing the fact that the remarks attributed to the President 
 by " The Disbanded" areas authentic as anything of the kind that 
 has appeared in any of the leading presses of the country, seta the 
 question entirely at rest. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, January 24, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sundny MerlMry : 
 
 A sartain small beer Washington curryspondent as delitcs in 
 brew in mischeef, fizzles out the follerin in yestday's New York 
 Times. He ses Mr. Lincoln rcmarkt to a frend " that his privit 
 conversashins'' was not for noosepapers," and likewise that 
 " nuthin from him was wuth repeatiu ouless it hed ' Abraham 
 Lincoln' sinccl to the bottom." 
 
 In coarse this spurt of bitterness is intended as a slop at me. It 
 is fablus an;l liehellious wun of the numerus shoddy statements 
 witch the "rolieable gentlemen" as wurks by the yard for tho 
 daylie press is continally raanoofactoring outer hole cloth. 
 
 The fact is that the ornary noosepaper curryspondints here is 
 jellus of the eggsalted opin3'un entertaned of me by the Eggsegg- 
 ative. M} r staiidin at the seat of guvennent is higher'n theirn. 
 Mr. Lincoln never axes enny of that class of suckers to a teat-a- 
 teat with him in his privit sanktum. He doosent waste his can- 
 nondrums on the critters, for he is well awar that ef wun of his 
 button-busters was fired ainung the crowd from the mouth of a 
 ten-inch Parrot, the hit wouldentbe appreshiated. 
 
 I hev the highest orthority for sayin that my frcnd Abe never 
 reimrkt, or thort, or suspccktcd, or hed the idee, or eggspects to 
 Lev, that nuthin from him is wuth repeatin onless it hes his name 
 to it. Contrarywisc, he thinks, /think, and thinkin men in gin- 
 ral thinks, that the oflishal clockyments baring his signatoor 
 doosent cum pair "with sum of his wittyschisms published in the 
 SUNDAY MEKKAHY. He doosent desire to disown 'em ; and in 
 order that setch envyus and meudashus statements as the abnv 
 from the Times Curryspondeuce may not hev undoo inileweuce
 
 104 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 on the publick mind, I hev ben faverd with the next offishall 
 triboot to iny voracity, for insershin in your collumes ! 
 
 " DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, ss. Know all men by these pres- 
 ents, that the statements of conversations between 'The Dis- 
 banded Volunteer' and the present Chief Magistrate of the United 
 States, published from time to time in the New York SUNDAY 
 MERCURY, are entitled to as full credence and belief as any re- 
 ports of the sayings of the undersigned, grave or gay, wise or 
 otherwise, which have appeared in the New York daily papers 
 and other influential American presses instituted for the diffusion 
 of knowledge among men. 
 
 *******.jj " In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand 
 * L. s. * and the broad seal of the Republic, this twenty-third 
 *****# day of January, A. D\, 1862. A. L." 
 
 Thar a short horse is sun curried, and I reckin the currys- 
 pondent aforesed will be mity keerful how he pervokes anuther 
 rub from me. Wun wurd more in vindicashin of Mr. Lincoln. 
 The ties subsistin atween us will not permit me to see him drag- 
 ged afore the publick in a false posishin. A New York jernil 
 ses he deklard last week as he hedent peroozed a noosepaper for 
 a munth. Taint so. He reeds the SUNDAY MERKARY evry 
 week, and the Newport News tellagraffie dispatches evry day . 
 and bein as oncapabul of an ontruth as Metamora the Forrest 
 Child, its not sposable that he made the remark a scribed to him. 
 
 The affair at Mill Crick, Kaintucky, hes elevated our sperrits. 
 The tedeum of suspense hes ben suckseeded by the songs of 
 Victry. It will thrill the hull kentry from the Chain Bridge at 
 Washington to the Golclin Gate of Californy ! Fourteen hun- 
 derd mules tuck, arter an obstnit resistance ! What will Man- 
 asses say to that? Ken the rebels continny the war for me any 
 long 'ears at that rate ? I predicate not. And the flyin fo could- 
 ent wait for the waggins. We've got em all it seems. As to 
 thar artillry forces, our men smasht em and skewerd all thar 
 heviest pieces. 
 
 Ginral Thomases name is on evry lip here, and Ginral Schoopf s 
 would be ef enny boddy could pernounce it. The oney way to 
 do it is to say Shope, and then put your upper teeth over your 
 onder lip, and giv setch a puff as the old wumman did when she 
 tried to blow the candle out. Wai, it desarves a puff at the eend, 
 ennyhow. 
 
 The fust ackounts of the fight, bein exofishy (like O. C. Kcrr's 
 from the Mackarel Brigade), was not bleved by a single sole, 
 but evry shadder of dout was soon dizzypated by dispatches 
 from hed-kwarters. The fact that our Ginral Fry hes settled 
 Zollycuffer's hash, creates more feline amung the aristocratick
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 105 
 
 rebel symperthisers here than the suckumstance of three hnn- 
 derd of the rank and file bein made mincemeat of. Seecesshin 
 lies heel a lofty fall, and no mistake. A few more setch Somer- 
 sets, and its back-bone'll snap. 
 
 I onderstand that Mrs. Greenhow and Mrs. Baxley, the two 
 captive dullsinners as feels setch a deep intrest in Jeff Davis and 
 the uther Suthern Nights of the Rueful Countenance, lies worn 
 crape on the left arm sents the noose of the Union victry arrove. 
 Ef they mount a fresh strip evry time Unkel Sam's right arm 
 strikes from the sholder, I gess they'll be purty nigh smuthered 
 in weeds afore six weeks is over. 
 
 Hopin thar'll be anuther batch of glorious intelligents by post 
 and wire afore this reaches you by post and rail, I remane, tri- 
 umfantly, Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXXVI. 
 
 [The following letter seems to have been written in a some- 
 what gloomy frame of mind, and we don't wonder at it. The 
 proceedings at Washington are not of a character to elevate the 
 spirits of an honest patriot, like our correspondent. God help 
 the country if its sole reliance was upon the wisdom and hon- 
 esty of some of its executive officers and representatives. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, January 31, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of tlie Sunday MerTcary : 
 
 Peers to me ef this war continnees long enuff, Floyd and 
 Toucey may loose thar repitashin as A number 1 theeves and 
 skoundrils. Thars fellers here as is hard onto the heels of 
 them hullsail depredators, and onless sum of em is brort up 
 with the hangman's lasso purty sun, I dont no but theyll be 
 chorks a head afore the Union's saved. Menny thinks as the 
 Navy Department wants swobbing out. Sendin honest patryits 
 to see in setch traps for the onwary as the transports as was 
 nocked to peaces, or rayther as fell to peaces, on the cost of 
 North Caroliny, and furnishin of em with water in Kerosene oil 
 casks, is a combmashin of enterprise and wilful murder, as 
 wouldn't be past over in silence by Nayshins in ginral. Mebbe 
 its the folt of my Californy edicashin ; but it doos seem to me 
 that whar orful sufferin and loss of life cums of theeving, a 
 5*
 
 106 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 little hangin would be an improovin spccktickle. "When I was 
 prospectin at the mines, I used to think that Lynch Law was on- 
 civilized and perumptory, but senst Ive mingled in sosity at 
 Washington Ive cum to vew it in a milder light. 
 
 The buty of the raskality that prevales onder our enlitencd 
 guverment is that the sponsability rests nowhars. The swindlin 
 in the War Department hes ben of a natur and extent to make a 
 saint blastfeem, but the Seckatry cums outer the sink of inickity 
 with outer a stain on his ofllshall garments. He hod nuthin to 
 do with the contracks. It was the heads of the burrows. And 
 the heads of the burrows puts it onto the guverment agents, and 
 tliey put it onto the devil, I spose. Then the Navy Department 
 begins to smell fishy, but the late Postmaster and small poli- 
 tishin of Hartford, as navigates the consarn, doosent ketch the 
 flavor of it even when Congress stirs up the corrupshin onder 
 his nose. 
 
 As to Congress, it seems to be takin a cumfortable snooze rite 
 on the edge of a fienanshil volcany. Guverment credit is goin 
 to Tofit both to hum and abrod, and the tax bill witch is the 
 oney pennj'sea for the evil, hangs by the ilids in a doo-nuthin 
 committy. O ! its enulf to make enny troo American swar in 
 church, to think how this great and glorus kentry is bully-rag- 
 ged and molltreated and kwack-doctered, in her hour of diifcr- 
 kulty. It doos seem as ef the breed of our great men and troo 
 patryits had gin out with the Clays and Websters, and that oney 
 rubbish remaned behind. The idee of puttin a stomp dooty on 
 noosepapers shows what sort of critters hes been sent to Congress 
 from sartain deestricks. Howsever I dont bleve the House hes 
 . arrove at setch a pitch of loonacy as to pitch hed foremost inter 
 the press. Ef it should I reckin the Sennit would hev the gump- 
 shin to put a stopper on the meshur, and failin that surely Old 
 Abe would stomp his foot down on setch an act of wus than 
 furrin clesputism. 
 
 But I ken tell you, Eddyturs, thars a gang of onscroopalus 
 raskils here v as is wurkin day and nite to git a claws inter the 
 ginral tax bill that'll kill the kentry press. The heads of the 
 rnoovement is the emiseries of a sartain New York press whoos 
 artickles reconimendin the confisticashion of English property 
 hes ruined our credit in England and indooced the holders of 
 our skewrities thar to sell out as fast as they ken. This consarn 
 eggspects to make $200,000 a year by a stomp dooty ef it ken be 
 put throo, and more'n a duzzin agints is lobbyin like devils in- 
 garnet to effeck that objeck.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 107 
 
 The President Is in a cherful frame of mind, but Ime sorry t< 
 say hces gettin to be rayther obstnit. The old man and the Sen 
 nit dooscnt goinside in thar yews. Frinstance they censhur hir- 
 pnriickler frend and former pardner Mr. Layman, the niarshi! 
 of the Deestrick, and the Eggsegative by way of hittin back, 
 makes him master of the serimonies at the White House, when 
 the Sennyturs call to pay thar respecks. Sum ses this is acten 
 with dignifide firmness, but uthers as hev no axes to grind, givo 
 it a diffrent name witch my intimit relashins with the President 
 up to the present time, forbids me to put in black and white. 
 Possably he may giv me the cold sholder for makin these re- 
 marks but publick interests afore privit frendship. 
 
 I notis by the late noose from Dixie that the buty and fashion 
 of seeceshy is invited to contriboot the old woolins of thar 
 wardrubs, to make cartridges to shoot the northin mudsills. 
 Flannel pettycotes and Balmorall skearts thankfully receved at 
 the rebel war ofilz, witch bein in a pawper condishin cant afford 
 to buy the stuff to rap its ammynishin in. This fack takin in 
 conneckshin with the sad intelligence that the chilclrin of 
 the F. F. V.'s is runnin about the streets of Richinound bar-foot, 
 and that the toes of the highest sirkels is, as a ginral thing, throo 
 thar boots and gayters, must be very gallin to the natral aristo- 
 crazy of the land. line afeard ef the war lasts a year longer, 
 thar'll skarse be duds enuif for decency among the shiverally 
 and thar wives and darters. When it comes to takin the wim- 
 mins pettycotes for gun waddin, thars no sayin what shifts tho 
 army may be put too, or what artickle of female onderclothin 
 may be next reckwired. 
 
 Every boddy here is on the look out for startlin bulletens from 
 sum of the numerus seats of war, but whether they'll cum or not 
 is another kwestin. Thars ben so menny disappintments that it 
 isent wuth wile to flap wuns wings in advance. Ankshus to crow 
 and waitin impayshently for a chanst, I remain, rayther onder 
 the wether Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. XXXVII. 
 
 [Bitter as myrrh, and twice as wholesome, is the letter from 
 tlie " Disbanded" which we lay before our readers to-day. Not
 
 108 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 content with touching corruption with caustic, he rubs it in. li 
 the process hurts, so much the better. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, February 7, 18G2. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 In the present condishin of the " sakrid sile" it would be 
 onpossabul for the grand army of the Potomac (altho composed 
 of patryits as would stick at nuthin in thar kentry's caws) to 
 take the field at enny pint without bein immediently stuck. It 
 would be eesier, in fack, for a collume of young mush-rats to 
 make railroad time throo sugar-house rnerlasses, than for our 
 troops to accomplash a forrard moovcrnent in the eggsistin state 
 of these mushy cliggins. Doorin the past week Ive ben acrost 
 the river takin soundins in the butiful shampain kentry around 
 Alexandry, and 1 ken oney say, that ef the peeple was hafe as 
 yieldin as the sile the contest atween Sam and Secesh would be 
 a saft match and sun eendecl. Merryland, now, bein of a sandy 
 nater, issent near as deep in the mud as the Old Dominyun is in 
 the inire. Frinstance in Prence George I found a solid bottom 
 eighteen inches clown, while in Ann Arundel, on the opposite 
 side of the river, I could barly reach it with a four foot pole. It 
 seems therefore, as a Clay State, like Virginny, oifers more 
 obstruckshins to an attact on the rebels than rejins with more 
 grit and less tenassty. Its my blefe that ef that slushy miry 
 commonwelth was sot up eendways in the sun to dreen, from 
 now ontil the fust of April, you'd find jest as menny leeches and 
 suckers inter it as at present. I calkilate, howsever, the rodes 
 wont be more'n ankel deep in May. Ef thats the case and thars 
 enuff left alive of Canaerun's teams and chai-gers to snake the 
 guns along and mount a few dragons, I shouldent be mutch 
 disappinted ef a Quickshotish eggspedishin was to start sekritly 
 for sum place onknown to enny boddy but the guverment and 
 the enemee. Guvner Letcher, when on a drunk in Richmound 
 tuther day, is sed to have bosted that he got infonnashin of all 
 our milentary plans weeks in advance of the New York papers, 
 and I predicate wot he sed was the naked truth onembellisht by 
 delirum trimmings. 
 
 A sartain porshun of the Union men here I meen the horse- 
 flesh hounds, shoddy swindlers, beef banditty, riful raskils, pro- 
 vishin pirits, blankit belzebubs and the gallus birds of that 
 fether thinks June would be full airly for the army to perpair 
 for a inarch. Washington dident leave Volley Forge tell June, 
 they say. Wall he dident ; but then he hed ony leven thousand
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 109 
 
 hafe starved, barfoot sogers (warn't they clar grit Iho ?), to fight 
 Clinton und Niphosen with twenty thousand vetrans as hed ben 
 fattenin like turkey gobblers in a pen, at Philadelfy all winter 
 and spring, expectin what the French call a grand coo domain 
 in the airly summer. Taint so with our Potomac army. The 
 starvashin and the bar feet is all on tuther side, and we outcount 
 the traitors more'n three to two. Besides Washington could 
 afford to wait for the waggin, seein as Gates lied flaxt out 
 Burgoyne and tuck six thousand prisners the prevus fall. We 
 Laint perform! no setch eggsplites, hev we ? I gess wen the 
 Father of his Kentry was wanted, he was allus thar. Dident he 
 cross the Delawar Crissmass night, 1775, and lick the Heshins, 
 at Trenton, and then turn round and smash the British at 
 Princeton two days arter New Years ? I dont want to swar, but 
 I wisht I may never live to see Floyd hanged and thats an 
 orful wish for a troo patryit ef I dont mount the nex guver- 
 ment contractor as venturs to cumpar the sojerin on the Potomac 
 with the conduck of the old war onder Ginral Washington, in 
 my hearin. 
 
 Report ses as the poor sojers placed horse de combat (as the 
 Parishiners hes it) in the horspittle at Alexandry is onmars- 
 fully treted. It is sed thar vitals is bad and not enufF to fill thar 
 bellies, and that they air kept in dirty onventilated rums, with 
 no proper rnedakill keer, nor rnedasin, nor nussin. It is onder- 
 stood that the ded boddies of the deceased, and in coarse they 
 air numerus onder setch a sistem of die it and regiment, is pitcht 
 promiscuss inter pits, ennywars whar the grounds eesy to dig 
 and shuvels is handy ; and when fathers and muthers, and wives 
 and sisters, cum to ax for the remains of the dear wuns as they 
 gin up with sore harts to thar kentry's sarvice, noboddy nose 
 whar the boddies air, and the oney privelege they hev is to open 
 the pits and take thar chice. Congress has tuck up the matter it 
 seems, and ef the tale's troo, as Ime purty shoor it is, I oney 
 wisht thar was a San Fransisky Vigilent Committy here, to tuck 
 up the gilty parties. 
 
 I hop you hev got a copy of the report of the Van Wyck Com- 
 mitty on the stealins of the Guverment agents. It forms a page 
 oi criminil history that doosent cumpar faverably with the 
 Newgate calender. When the Recordin Angil transkribes the 
 dockyment, I persoom he'll put sum of the names in big capitals, 
 and when the individyals distingwished in this way gets on 
 " tuther side of Jordan," its not onprobabul as they'll find out 
 why he dun it.
 
 110 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 The furrin dispatches to the Guverrnent by the last 'rival was 
 all right I larn. A report was currant yestday that Lord Parner- 
 stun lied rit to Mr. Sewarcl that he should be mutch pleased el 
 we vvoulclent leave wun 'stun upon amither in Charleston. It 
 seems, hovvsever, that on luckin at the dispatch a seckind time it 
 was notist as the wurd " harbor" follered the wurd " Charleston,'' 
 witch makes a slite diffrence in the nieanin. Setch mistakes is 
 onvoidable. They occur evry day in the hurry of bizness. 
 
 Ginral Lane's "separit command' 1 still hangs by the ilids. 
 Opinyuns differs as to tfie nater oi the powers conferd onter 
 liiin, but it is unannymously agreed that Ginral Hunter hes made 
 an everlastin Jewdy of hisself. Ef he is raaly ankshus to 
 sarve his kentry (and I spose he is), he hed better resine his 
 eDuimisliin. The actil reason why Ginral Lane is forbidden to 
 go it alone, peers to be an idee that he mought hurt the rebels. 
 
 Yestday was a Bright day in the Sennit. Evry honest Union 
 man in the land will rejice that the Indiana traitor has got his 
 desarts. I hope Villaindigham wont be long arter him. 
 
 You'll probly hev noose from Burnside and from Grant afore 
 this goes inter type. Trustin itul be of a nater to raise the 
 sperits of the peeple and lower the discount on Treshury notes, 
 I remain, on the ankshus bench, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLCJNTEEB. 
 
 No. XXXVIII. 
 
 [The glorious news from the South and "West seems to have 
 acted like a dose of nitrous oxide on the old militaire. He 
 writes in high spirits, and if there are any extravagances in 
 his letter that seem unbecoming the gravity 01 age, our readers 
 who are all in ecstasies over the Union victories of the past ten 
 days will not be disposed to censure them. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, February 14, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The patryotic hellabloo in this city is tremenjus. We air all 
 in the Seventh Heaven, and the salvashin of the Union is konsid- 
 ered sartain. The oldest inhabitant, a venabul Aunty Diluvian 
 as knew Joyce Heth in her infancy, ses he never seen setch
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. Ill 
 
 rejiceins. Not a seesesher is to be found anywhars to-day. I 
 dont blcve Diagnosis with his lantern could diskiver a symtum 
 of wun. They hev suddenly changed thar colors like the cor- 
 nelian. The feat of Burnside is in all mouths, and the fact that 
 Foote is in the enemy's rear asshoors us that rebellyun will soon 
 be kicked out of Tennessee and Kaintucky. 
 
 The tall and talented Abe goes setch lenths ii?his hilarity that 
 he seems like a high old boy beside hisself. From the time the 
 late bulletens of victry began to drap in, he hes gon outer wun 
 cannondrum fit inter anuther, without enny let up or interniishin, 
 throwin nienny of his best frends inter convulshins. Nun of 
 the Cabbynet ken resist his joaks but Stanton, whoos mind is 
 too strong and cam to be disturbed by ennyboddy s humor. As 
 to Welles, ef the President oney casts his iarseeshus eye onto 
 him, and makes a correspondin jester, his sides begins to shake 
 and kwiver, like a Morgan hulk in a topsail breeze. 
 
 In coarse the vivashus readers of the SUNDAY MERKARY will 
 hev no objeckshin to jine in the eggsploshin of larfter witch 
 agitates the Deestrick whenever the Momus of the White House 
 fires off his 11-inch rib-ticklers. Wall, onderneath I send you a 
 small assortment, thrown right and left within the last forty- 
 eight hours, sura of witch is onderstood to hev creatid ginral 
 devastashin among buttons, suspenders,' ladies cursit laces and 
 cetery, in this city and subbubs. To releeve the publick mind 
 from narvous anksiety, and prevent the public from stayin awake 
 nights gessin at the truth, I send the offlshal anser to each, so 
 that the greenest gander may see throo em ; and ef I am not 
 mistaken they will be red by evryboddy with considabul goostoe. 
 I forrard em as I am told they was tuck down from the distin- 
 gwished orther's lips by two littery slebrities who air about to 
 publish a lively vollum, onder the titul of " The Rail-Splitter's 
 Railleries, or Wedges of Wit from the White House at Washing- 
 ton." These gentlemen take it ride and tie, as the sayin is, wun 
 or tuther of em bein constantly in attendance, so that nuthin 
 sourcastic as falls from the American Juvenile may be lost to 
 posteriority. I larn as the satyrs they hev already collected 
 takes the shine out of Wood's Minstrels. The book will be 
 excloosively dedicated to Jock Hilarity, and sooperior as a 
 humorous more so to Joe Miller. But I beg pardin for detainin 
 you from the cannondrums and cetery. Here they be as they 
 was gin to me, with the kinder demonstrashins adapted to each. 
 
 What is the difference between a park of artillery and the 
 crust of a custard pudding ?
 
 112 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 One batters in the walls, the other walls in the batter. (Piano 
 snigger.) 
 
 Why is Stanton like the youthful David ? 
 
 Because he has slung a Stone to the right spot, and struck 
 terror into the Philistines. (Laughter fortissimo accompanied 
 by clapping of hands.) 
 
 What cannon have the most magical effect on the enemy ? 
 
 AVeird Guns. (A. pianissimo smirk.) 
 
 What are the title and arms of the Suthern Barren at present 
 in Mudsill custody in Boston Harbor ? 
 
 He is Barren of Hope, and his arms can't be seen on account 
 of the bar sinister. (An inward smile a la Leatherstocking.) 
 
 The point opposite Point Comfort. 
 
 The point of the bayonet (a moderate grin). 
 
 Wise's favorite Latin quotation when referring to himself? 
 
 Sic-passim. It is to be feared our troops did pass him while 
 sick on their way to Elizabeth City. (A slight twinkle of the 
 weather eye.) 
 
 What is the most extensive "forward movement" yet re- 
 ported ? 
 
 An advance of one Foote up the Tennessee River. (He! 
 he! he!) 
 
 A contradictory coincidence. 
 
 The same telegram that states the Richmond Blues were 
 destroyed at Roanoke, asserts that the rebels have got the blues 
 at Richmond. (Ha ! ha !) 
 
 Worse than the Roman Corruptionists. 
 
 Our " Cataline " Cabal. (Oh ! oh !) 
 
 Is Grant going on conquering and to conquer a-la-NapoleonT' 
 
 No ; he is only going to conquer A-la-bama. (Ah ! bah !) 
 
 Why is a U. 8. Storeship like a treasury note ? 
 
 Because it's a Government tender. (O ! la !) 
 
 What style of ancient minstrelsy does the whiz of a rifle 
 bullet resemble ? 
 
 Minnie -singing. (Only persons who have read Froissart 
 expected to giggle.) 
 
 Why did the rebels fire one side of Elizabeth City ? 
 
 They wanted to show what they could do in the burn side way. 
 (Ho! ho! ho! slow!) 
 
 You air to onderstand, eddyturs, as I dident hear the abuv 
 myself, and I wouldent swar to em enny more'n I would to the 
 jottins and pencillins of N. P. W. or enny other man, but ef 
 poplar opinytin is wuth ennything, I ken oney say they air
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 113 
 
 kwoted as reglar Lincoln callembores by all the Pennselvany 
 Avenoodles. Ef they air sham Abrahams, they air so well cal- 
 kilated to deceive that the best counterfeit-joke-detector in the 
 univarse might take them for genuine A. L.'s. By the way 
 talkin of cannondrums, here's wun as was sent on from Kaiu- 
 tucky by a sojer who hed three brothers killed at the battle of 
 Somerset. 
 
 What dance was utterly forgotten at Mrs. Lincoln's sorry dan- 
 sente ? 
 
 Answer. The Dance of Death ! 
 
 Solem, isent it, and too troo. Peers to me the caperin at that 
 ball was eenamost like polkin over new made graves. 
 
 My opinyun is that thars goin to be setch an openen up of 
 intreeg and tretchery afore long as'll astonish the nashin. Gin- 
 ral Stone's case is a mild wun in cumparisun to sum that will be 
 heern tell of hi the civil sarvice, onless the truth is choked 
 down. 
 
 I keep my eyes skinned and my ears opin, and whenever it 13 
 sale to tork right out in meetin, expect full particklers from 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XXXIX. 
 
 [Our sanguine correspondent seems to consider the spinal 
 column of the rebellion broken and its strength utterly paralyzed. 
 Perhaps he is right ; but we apprehend that the monster will die 
 hard, and do considerable mischief in its final flurry. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, February 21, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Nerkary : 
 
 The Suthern cornfcdracy as was so hungry for a fight a spell 
 ago peers to hev got a bellyfull allreddy. We air puttin cm 
 throo the mill purty rapid, I predicate. It is reported here that 
 when Cobb heerd of Fort Donelson bein shelled he acknowl- 
 edged the corn, while Toombs lucking as grave as a sexton, sed 
 he was prcpard to berry the hatchet Even the fire-eatin South 
 Caroliny Shiverally rnenny of hoom is redooced to thar last 
 spur and shirt collar admits that the prospeck ahed is rayther 
 chillin. 
 
 It must, in course, be aperient to evry boddy that the evacua-
 
 114 WAR LKTTEES OF 
 
 shiu of Missooii, Kaintacky, and Tennessee, is a foregon con- 
 clooshin, and that Eastern Virginny will sun be relieved by a 
 rear and flank inoovement. Setch is the beginnin of the ecnd 
 of our intestin differculties ! 
 
 I bleve the rank and file of the rebel army would gladly file 
 outer thar own ranks inter ourn. By resortin to arms they hev 
 reaped nuthin but shame and ruin, and now it is sed they want 
 to stack em and quit the field. Solomon ses that in his day you 
 couldeut nock the foolishness outer a fool with a mortar ; but 
 prehaps the mortars in Jerooslum warnt thirteen inchers and 
 dident carry two hunderd pound balls. 
 
 It is whisperd around in pollytickle sirkils to-day, that the 
 President is goin to issoo a proclaniashin grantin a ginral ain- 
 nasty to all the sporters of the rebel dienasty, as chooses to wash 
 thar hands of that dirty consarn and begin the world anoo with 
 a clean record. The manyfesto is intended for the multitood, 
 not for the ring leaders as rung em in. 
 
 The guvemment doosent intend to be niggerdly in its mercy 
 to enny but the nigger-drivin aristocrazy as sot the ball of Re- 
 bellion in inoshin. With all the rest it is willin to smoke the 
 calamus. 
 
 To-morrow bein the Berth-day oi the Father of his Kentry, 
 the hull city is to be striped and starred. The troops is to hev 
 extree rashins. A nayshinal saloot is ordered at the Navy Yard 
 and it is calkilated that not less'n a thousand speciments of the 
 Star Spangled Avill kiss the breeze. Watts-his-name, the gar- 
 diner at the White House him as prigged pairt of the Presi- 
 dent's messidge for the New York Herald is getherin fresh 
 laurels to-day, to twine round the trofiz reseutly sent from Roan- 
 oke Hand. At night thar will be an illoominashin on a skale 
 worthy of the capital of an enlightened kentry, and ef enny dis- 
 loyalist should decline to light up on nckount of thinken the 
 game not worth the candle, he will be likely to git his winders 
 smasht for his panes. 
 
 About the time we air listenin to "Washington's Farewell Ad- 
 dress, onder the folds of the federal flag here, Jeff Davis will be 
 deliverin his interductory cunard onder the rebel rag at Rich- 
 mound. "Wot will the God-lorsakin critter hev to say for hisself, 
 I wunder ? I persoom his speech will be a jewel of the fust 
 water a perfeck bougie as the French eggspress it. As he is 
 reported to be the cheef ecldytur and wire-puller of the Rich- 
 mound Inkwirer, I dessay the following parrj-graft witch I sis- 
 serd from Monday's edishin of that interestin and relieabul prent,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 115 
 
 givs a purty good ginral idee of the stile and substance of his 
 inaugerole : 
 
 " SPLENDID VICTORY AT FORT DONELSON. 
 
 " This splendid feat of arms and glorious victory to our cause 
 will send a thrill of joy over the whole Confederacy ! It comes 
 at the right place and at the right time ! All honor to the brave 
 officers and soldiers who have shed such lustre upon our arms, 
 and added such prestige to our flag ! We shall delight to pub- 
 lish the full details when they shall reach us. What further we 
 are to expect on the same ground we know not. * * * 
 
 " We trust that the stand so brilliantly commenced we shall be 
 able to make permanent, and to roll back the tide of invasion." 
 
 Possably Floyd, the cannon-cribbin coward, and Ginral Gidd- 
 yun Whitefether Pillow, may reach the traitor capital by to- 
 morrow with the " full details''. Ef so they will sartainly arrive 
 at the " right place and at the right time", and ef the noose doo- 
 sent send a "thrill over the hull cornfedracy", thars no thrill to 
 it. 
 
 The rebel simperthisers here is in despare, with the eggsepshin 
 of Mrs. Greenhow, who bares evrything like a man. Menny of 
 the leadin seecesh funkshinaries is in an offal funk. Stephens, 
 the rebel vice, feels very bad. Wise, it is sed, lies becum a 
 nidiot, and fancies the goste of John Brown is continally glidin 
 arter him with a slip-not in its skellinton hands. Twiggs 13 
 ankshus to put out. Gustarvus Smith would be will in to sweep 
 the streets of New York gratis to escape the besom of destruck- 
 shin. Letcher weeps over his red-eye. Benjamin thinks he hes 
 made a mess of it. The Guvner of Georgy allows he is dun 
 Brown ; and Jeff would no dout be off in a jeffy ef the feeld 
 was clar, and he hed a good chanst to run. Indeed, all the head 
 rebels sees wot is hangin over em, and would be very glad to 
 stand from under ef they could. 
 
 Trustin that they hev purty near reached the eend of thar 
 tether, and will soon be in a tight place, I remain, hopefully. 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 
 
 No. XL. 
 
 [Particular attention is invited to the following graphic sketch 
 of Jeff Davis's inauguration. It is really a fine piece of " word- 
 painting", and worthy of implicit credence. EDS.]
 
 116 
 
 WASHINGTON, February 28, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerJiary : 
 
 In compliance with your rekwest, onder date of February 18, 
 I sent an accomplish! and relieabul spy to Richmound to make 
 keerful man}'randoms of Jeff Davises inaugurashin. He hes 
 jest returnt, and represents the speckticle as moanful in the ex- 
 treem. Menny sobbed aloud. The President tuck the oath as 
 ef it hed ben a doste of ruebub or salts and sinner. The hull 
 affair, the spy ses, reminded him of an eegsecushin he wunst seen 
 on Gibbet Hand in New York Bay, of a pirit by the name of 
 Hix. The platform, he allows, was percisely like the scaffold 
 used on that occashin, and nuthin was wantin but the ropes and 
 the waits to kornplete the allushin. 
 
 Jeff Davis was preseeded and follercd by sevrall gentlemen in 
 black, that hed evry aperience of a sheriff 's percesshin, and when 
 the two as sported him on each side let go thar holt, he cum 
 forrard jest as Hix dun to make his dyin speetch, oney luckin 
 mutch more brokin down and desperated. The reseinblants \vas 
 so perfeck, that the spy ses he started in sirprize when he seen 
 Jeffs arms warn't pinioned, and when the speetch was dun, he 
 couldent help luckin around for the feller with the white night- 
 cap to dror over the culprit's visedge. It seems that jest as the 
 onfortnit critter hed got off his last sentence, a messendger rusht 
 throo the crowd and sunk allmost faintin on the platform. My 
 informent declars he was so full of the idee of an eggsecushin, 
 that he couldent help hollerin " he's saved ! he's saved !" " a re- 
 preve ! a repreve !" But it warn't a repreve. Contrarywise, it 
 was the noose of the ockipashin of Gnashville by the fedral 
 forces, in the teeth of all oppersishin. "When Jeff heerd it, he 
 kullapsed with a grone inter the cheer behint him, and the sur- 
 roundin multitood gin a despairin yell. The crowd of moaners 
 then disbursed in sairtch of steamalus, and the leadin funkshin- 
 aries stole off like a theef in the night or a morording bed bug 
 when he smells daylight. 
 
 The maskline traitors here hes concluded to play the hypocrit 
 senst the rebellyun was skwelched in Tennessee, but the fem- 
 menines, as I menshund in my last, is as savedge as ever. They 
 oney regret that the flower of the South hev to bolt from a pas- 
 sel of Northern rnckanicks. A lady from Georgy told me tuther 
 day she onderstood that jurneymen blacksmiths and setch 
 formed the princepull porshin of the Northern files. I told her 
 yes, and them w r as the kinder files we spiked the Suthern guns 
 with, witch rayther shet her up. Anuther she Secesh remarkt
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 117 
 
 to Seward that she was sorry the gentlemen of the South had to 
 contend with shoomakers and taylors ; to witch the galliant 
 seckatry replide, in his onpretendin way, that it must be very 
 tryin to the shiverally to be whipt by setch degraded beins outer 
 thar boots and britches, at witch she gin her hoop a venamus 
 sling and mizzeld. 
 
 I spose the censureship of the tellagraft will be oney tempo- 
 ry ; but in case it shouldent, I am organizin a flock of carryer 
 pidgins. I keep em in a coop in my rum at Willard's, and ef a 
 coo de tar occurs, you may expeck to find wun a peckin at your 
 winders, with the noose tied to his neck, in two hours thararter. 
 In coarse you won't publish the flyin rummers I may send, on 
 ackount of the standin order but you ken bet your pile on em, 
 and operate in the fancies to advantage. 
 
 Corjally hopin and belevin that a forrard movement is in pro- 
 gress that will nock treson eendways, I remane, with a hart 
 palpitatin with patryotic emoshins, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XLI. 
 
 [It is pretty clear that the blunt old soldier was not in a par- 
 ticularly placid frame of mind when he sat down to indite the 
 following letter. The news-embargo, the President's proposi- 
 tion to bribe the Southern planters to liberate their slaves, and 
 the suggested fourfold tax on newspapers, seem to have been too 
 much for his usually equable temper, and to have curdled his 
 milk of human kindness considerably. Still, his sarcasms are 
 not undeserved, and we incline to believe that his views, though 
 expressed in homely language, tally with those of a large por- 
 tion of our readers. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, March 7, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Ken ennything be more rilin to the curryspondent of a live 
 jernil than to be full up to the neck of the most eggsitin matter 
 and enable to spit it out for the bennyfit of an impayshent pub- 
 lick ? Wai, setch is my all-aggravaitin predickymant at present, 
 and altho I hev a fair share of cheek for an old sojer, Ime
 
 118 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 obligated to keep my mouth shet, notrwlthstandin my desire to 
 make a clean brest of it. A stain upon my lionor would play 
 the juce with me as a contribitor to the press ; consekently the 
 advices I send you in cypher, for your own privit use, I advise 
 you to keep dark, however inutch your readers may sigh for 
 supprest iutellagents. Stanton gin me the facts in a faint whis- 
 per, onder a pledge of privacy, when I dropt in at the War offiz 
 yesterday, and tharfore tho I forrard it to you, it must go no 
 further. He ses the crysis demands silence, and that the pub- 
 lickashin of the Guvernment's sekrits can't be aloud. 
 
 Howsever, tho orthentic dispatches is withheld, you hev a per- 
 feck right to publish all the conflictin rummers in sirkilashin no 
 gag law for the human imadjinashin heving yet been issood by 
 the Adnunistrashin. In the absence of the offishal trooth I hope 
 the follerin reports, which is drivin the coolest and most flag- 
 matick citysins of the Deestrick to the verge of loonacy, will be 
 satisfactory to your reflectin readers. It is bruted abroad to-day 
 that Memphiz has ben gin to the flames John Minor Botts 
 blowed from the mouth of a canon and Gnashville attacted by 
 the rebels tooth and nail. That the Union elefant is on root for 
 Tuskalooser (Allabam) ; that Jeff Davis hes ben assassnated, with 
 severell more of the same stripe ; that Guvner Letcher was shot 
 in the neck on Sunday, in consekens of his intemperit percedens 
 (witch is ginally bleved) ; that our troops air approachin New 
 Orleans by the shell road ; that Floyd hes becuin a money- 
 maniac and Pillow turned soft ; that John Brown's goste appeered 
 to Ginral Banks as he was marching on to Charlestown ; that 
 Guvner Pickens hes ben hung on a palmetto tree ; that "W. H. 
 Russell hes jined wun of the outlying devishins of the rebel 
 army ; that Savannah is gettin hail columbiad ; that the Mobile 
 peeple are on the moove for the interior ; and that William Lied 
 Garrison, desguysed as a chattel, is at the head of an ebony con- 
 spurracy in Louseanna, with plenty of the yaller boys in his 
 pocket to cany it out. 
 
 Famishin for facks as we air onder the guverment embargo, it 
 is plesant to hev a large assortment of flyin reports to seleck 
 from. We air an ingenuous nianufactring peeple, and when the 
 trooth is supprest by the supreme orthority, the market for that 
 artickle is purty sure to be sublied with setch substitoots as air 
 gin abuv. As long as the Censers hes thar swing over the press, 
 the publick is sartain to be led off on false scents. Sum may 
 smell a rat and refuse to foller em, but the majority when 
 deprived of inforrnashin from more relieabul soarces, is oney
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 119 
 
 too reddy to swaller the most horrebul catstropliies invented by 
 the dredfnl axident makers. It is consolin to think, howsever, 
 that our Suthern brethren will have the trooth and the hull 
 trooth, while we air denied it. They git it as ushil. by the shortest 
 cut from Washington, acrost the Potomac. "We never hev hed 
 enny consealments from them, and never shell hev as long as 
 dubblefaced traitors in the Sennit and the House, and men well 
 known to be hand and gluv with Secesh Jessybells and Delielies, 
 is permitted to hold responsabul offlzzes. 
 
 How do you like the messidge of the President proposin to 
 bribe the Sutherners to manspate thar brethren of the cullerd 
 perswashin ? Peers to me that when an evil's jest as shoor to die 
 a nateral deth, as Floyd is to git his goose cooked tuther side of 
 Jordon, its hardly wuth while to pay a bonus for its eggstinkshin. 
 The yoke's eennamost broken now. Ef the South hed hollered, 
 and sued for peace, why then indeed it mought be ail right to 
 make setch a tender, but onder present suckemstances its rayther 
 tuff. line opposed tor wun, to enny consillytory meshers, ontil 
 she caves in and cries copavi. Why should we offer to pay her 
 to free her slaves, when they air bound to free tharselves' gratis 
 for nuthin ef the war continnees two years longer. Let the 
 South back squar down, and then it will be time enuff to be mag- 
 nannymus ; but as the case stands at present, millyuns for war 
 not a cent for triboot, is my motto. Badly as the North's ben 
 treted, Ime not agen dooin the hansuin thing if the offender 
 repents, and eats humble pie but as to tryin to bribe armed 
 traitors, it seems to me about ckwiverlent to offerin a premium 
 to pints to sirrindir thar prisners and thar plunder, when youve 
 got em foul and they hev no chice atween hauling down thar 
 infarnal flag and bein blown to blazes. 
 
 No clout the President writ the messidge with the best inten- 
 shins ; but it's an orful foe paw, as the French say, and Ime afeard 
 the enemee'll make a handle of it. It is imminently calkilated 
 to raise the droopin spemts of the rebel leaders, and ef they 
 don t make capital outer it at Richmound, theyre greener'n grass- 
 hoppers. 
 
 The mean way the Committee on Ways and Means picht inter 
 the noosepaper interest in thar tax bill, is univarsally condemd 
 here. Oney think of saddlin the Pallajum ot our Libties with 
 four distink taxes. Why its a step backards tords barberism 
 that's enuif to make the liar of the civilised world stand on eend ! 
 Besides its setch a parshil, spiteful meshur. Ef noledge is to be 
 taxt, why not inclood public skools, collidges, univarsities, privit
 
 120 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 seminerries, the Smithsonian Instytoot, and all uther consarns 
 for the 'fushin of useful informashin, as well's that grate poplar 
 teacher, the cheap noosepaper. I kant bleve that setch an 
 attemp to brake down the independent press will ever be sank- 
 shund by Congress. Hopin that the vile projeck may git a lofty 
 fall, and that whoseurndever sports it may be a target for Eddy- 
 torial rath tell the day he dies, and be tormented by printer's 
 devils when he gets to that burn from which no travler re- 
 turns, I remain, disgustedly, 
 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XLIL 
 
 [Our veteran correspondent is on the march. He represents 
 the SUNDAY MERCURY and the Principles of '76 on General Mc- 
 Clellan's staff. If no unfriendly ball perforates his patriotic per- 
 son, and sword, bayonet, and bowie-knife let him alone, our 
 readers may expect some graphic sketches of actual war from 
 his pen. His descriptions of the battles in the Crimea were con- 
 sidered far superior to Russell's by everybody except Russell ; 
 and though old, he has lost none of his epistolary fire. EDS.] 
 
 HEAD KWARTERS IN THE FIELD, March 14, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Gumming events cast thar shadders afore. The grand haul of 
 the milentar3 r seine witch is to ketch the big Devil-fish of Re- 
 bellion, is goin briskly on, and ef the strands doosent brake sum- 
 whars, we shall sun see the commemment de la Jin, as the French 
 hes it. Accordin to the drorings of the strutigy net in the noose- 
 papers, the skaly wretches hesent a loop-hole to riggle out at, 
 but droring the net of strutigy is sumthin like lottery droring, 
 mity onsartin. The Burnside korner of the cool de sack peers to 
 be rayther week, witch is sartainly onfortnit, and menny thinks 
 as the army that moseyed outer Mauasses may make a gap in our 
 lines at that pint. But I bleve Burnside, with the assistants of 
 hot shot from the gun boats will be able to nock 'em cold ef they 
 try it on. 
 
 In coarse you hev seen the announcement of the divishins in 
 the Union army, and that Ginral Maclellin is at the hed of em. I 
 jined his numerus rnilentary famaly by speshil order, on the forth
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 121 
 
 of March, and marched forth with my cumraids to glory or the 
 grave, singin the Hollerlooyer Corns, on Monday last. Prevus 
 to startin, the oath of seecrcssy bein tenderd me, I hed to swar. 
 By the condishins of the bond, I am not aloud to breeth a wisper 
 of wot is goin to happen, but arter it hes tuck place I am at libty 
 to spit it out. Ginralissimo Abe ses the old word-and-blow game 
 is played out and that blows without words is to be the order of 
 the day herearter. Ef posteriorly doosent do jestis to that man 
 I dont want to go down to it. Evry boddy here lucks up to him. 
 The Due de Chatters told me over his soup the other day, that 
 he considerd him ekwuil to Marshal Tureen or the great Dook of 
 Guys. In my opinyon he is a seckiud Father of his Kentry and 
 I dont spose the son of Austerlitz, as the French is allus a 
 crackin up, could hev held a candle to him. Stanton is sum, 
 and I like his summery way, but arter all the President is a head 
 and sholders abuv him in the esteamashin of peeple as ondcr- 
 stands his meshurs. 
 
 But a trooce to these desultry remarks into witch my warm 
 friendship for the President has betraid me. Wot I wanted to 
 git at was this that you mustn't relie on me for enny informa- 
 shin likely to proov prejewdishall to the plans of our milentary 
 Solomons. 
 
 " Ef you was to let the cat outer the bag," ses Little Mac to me 
 yestday, in his playful manner, " it mought prevent us givin Jeff 
 Davis rats." And that warnt all ; for he added in an onclwtone, 
 so as the uther staff fellers shouldent hear : " Enter noose old 
 boy, ef you do tell tales outer skool, He suspend you !" ; and 
 from a neckspressive moshin he made and his emfasis on the 
 word suspend, I considerd he nient more'n met the ear. Ses I in 
 rcspons, " Ginral my oath is sakrid ;" at the same time tippin 
 him the wink to sho I new the ropes. 
 
 On Toosday I made a tower of the enemees wurks at Manas- 
 scs, by order of Ginral Maclellin. My report on forty pages 
 foolscap will I hope, prove acceptabul to the Head of the army. 
 I found the airthworks at the Gap in pretty good condishin on 
 the hole, but the railroad was all tore to peaces at the Junkshin. 
 Sines of hasty evackuashin was visabul evrywhars. The rebels 
 must have fled in great alarm. Wot a- pity we warnt privy to 
 the moovement. I pickt up several intrestin. specimerits of 
 Suthern littery talent as was lyin loose around. Aiming lathers 
 the follerin. Don t destroy the mannyscrip, for I'me makin a 
 collecshin of seecesh authorgruffs, and its the kleenest among the 
 fudgetive pemes and other manyrandoms found at Manasses : 
 G
 
 123 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 A SOGEKS REFRAIN. 
 
 by Washington Jackson jones first leavetenant of the inissippy 
 ripstave Rangers, and late of natchez under the hill. 
 
 "jenral beauregards a Coon, 
 pillow hees a Grampus, 
 floyds a quarter hoss to Run, 
 and buckners Catawampus. 
 
 "we ken chaw abe linkun Up, 
 
 likewise gorge Macleleran, 
 were the sassy bull run Pups 
 as sot mac dowell Bellerin. 
 
 "evry buchus natchez Gal 
 wants a mudsill Trofy, 
 i must gouge an Eye for Sal, 
 and git an Ear for Sofy. 
 
 "Sofy ses we'll hitch our Teams, 
 
 dog her cats to Thunder! 
 if i bring hum skalps Enuff 
 for a bed quilt to sleep Under. 
 
 "soon weel finish up this War 
 
 if we go a head Quick, 
 and mebbee ile heve scalps and Har 
 enuff for a quilt and bed-tick. 
 
 " forrard then, to arms, to Arms ! 
 hark ! " 
 
 At this pint the orthur of the abuv heroix must have heerd 
 sumthin as onsetteld his narvous sistem, for he peered to hev 
 fled in haste, overturnin the ritin flewid, and leevin his swoord 
 and pen on the tabel. 
 
 The fortyficashins, on closte inspeckshin seemed to be com- 
 posed cheefly of fryable sand and holy oncapabul of standin a 
 bevvy fire. Sum of the brest works was barly knee high, and 
 was mounted with cord wood, each log bein painted black to 
 resembul a peace of artillery. I hunted throo the woods for 
 masked battries, but found nuthin but a few snaix in the grass 
 and harmless at that. The trooth is that the hull story about 
 thar onsalabul persishin was an all-fired sell. Howsever we air 
 onto thar trail now, and onless Providence interfears in thar 
 favor and swollers em up with an airthquake, weve got em 
 shoor. 

 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 123 
 
 I notis by the papers that New York was in a cold swet on 
 Sunday, eggspectin the Merrymac would cum steamin up the 
 Narrers and set the harbor on fire. Sartainly ef she hed cum 
 you would hev ben in a all-crucified fix. Howsever, the little 
 Monitor gin her a lesson, that I gess wont rekwire repeathi. 
 
 Hopin to smell powder afore I send my next epistol, I remain, 
 ankshus to go in, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XLIII. 
 
 [Although in the field, and holding a staff-appointment, and, 
 therefore, of course, conversant with the important plans about 
 to be consummated in Virginia, our correspondent is restrained 
 by a sense of honor, sharpened by Secretary Stanton's order, 
 from sharing his knowledge with our readers. A great battle, 
 however, will unseal his lips (unless it should seal them forever) ; 
 and we hope soon to hear of him " on the line of the Rappahan- 
 nock", with a considerable wreath of laurel on his brow. In 
 the meantime, by way of a sop to that news-craving Cerberus, 
 the public, he has sent us one of those dry, quaint, sly, sarcastic 
 missives which sometimes puzzle even those who think they 
 understand him best. EDS.] 
 
 HEAD KWARTERS IN THE FIELD, March 20, 18G2. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 I spose youve hed wild rejisens in the North over the razin of 
 the sege of Washington. Arter bein infested by land and block- 
 headed by water for months by the fo, we hev at lenth cut our 
 way out, and the grand army and the fedral city may be consid- 
 erd, for th.e present, comparatively saift. Our march so far lies 
 ben wun unintrupted serious of cheerin tryumps ; the enemee 
 hevin plenty of locomotives to carry em oft' and no motives 
 wotever for stayin. The noose of our approach seems to hev 
 hed sctch an effeck on thar sperits, that they immediently started 
 by the thousand at a time ofi a train. Our Gb^als eggspected to 
 find the rebel army well disposed, and detarmived to defend thar
 
 124 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 posishins, as Price's forces did theirn at Shugar Creek, to the 
 bitter eend. But, notwithstaudin all thar blowins, they no sun- 
 ner got wind of our sally than they fled without a blow. In 
 follerin em, howsever, it will be reckwizit to perceed with egg- 
 stream cawshin, for fear of runnin blindly inter that "last ditch" 
 whar, as the man in the play .ses, they air resolved to " die nobly 
 die like demagogs." Th* late galliant secldnd in cum- 
 mand at Fort Donalson, who onderstands all about ditches, 
 is bleved to hev gon South to dig it for em arter witch he will 
 ondoubtedly dig out for sum saifter place of refudge. It may be 
 considered sartin that when the rebels sinks to rest on glory's 
 bed they wont find a Pillow thar. In fact, its more'n probabul 
 that all the heads of the Ilebellyun will turn up missin at its 
 tail eend. 
 
 You will be glad to larn that I hev ben in a slight skrimmidge 
 senst my last, and cum out right side up as ushil. By pennishin 
 of the Ginral-in-cheef, me and the County Paris, and the Dook de 
 Chatters, went out on a skout with Ginral Stuninan tuther day, 
 und a lively time we hed, killin menny and skarin more. Our 
 force consisted of about five hundred cavalry, and we met, or 
 rayther we overtuck the enemee, two thousand strong, near the 
 Orange Railroad. " Go in lemons !" shouted the Dook de Chat- 
 ters, who is fast ackwirin a nolledge of the American tuiig onder 
 the tooterin of a New York Fire Zouwave. And at em we went, 
 as fast as our Camerun-contract coarscrs would carry us. Thar 
 hosses was fleet, but those of our squadrun was fleeter. We 
 pored down onto em like lava indeed, I mought say, like Balak- 
 lava. We should hev ben glad to charge em in front, but as 
 they wouldent turn round, to take em in the rare became a starn 
 necessity. I was in advance of the line, and went in, as I allus 
 do, on my own hook. Rememberin my youthful explites as a 
 wild cattle-hunter in Texas, I put niy reins in my mouth, and 
 rushin my steed inter thar flyin ranks, ketched two rebel hosses 
 by the caudle eggstrematies, and throwin the well-bred and 
 doughseal animal I rode on his hanches, slung em both. To dis- 
 mount and present a brace of Colts at the heads of the fallen 
 seeceshers was the work of a seckind. They acknolledged thar dis- 
 comforture when they seen the perswaders, and signifide a desire 
 to take the Oath of Fiedelity. Bindin em over to keep the peace 
 with thar own saddle-girts, I remounted my Cameronian charger, 
 and agin follerin the horsteal fo, repeted the slingin operashin. 
 This I continued for over an hour, when I returnt and pickt up 
 my prisners jest a duzzin and druv em inter camp. I hed
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 125 
 
 cenamost forgot to state that I plugged a bushwhacker as was 
 drorin a bead onto my yuug frend the Dook, and parrid a fatal 
 cut aimed at my brother-in-arms, the County Paris. 
 
 Ginial Stunman \vould hev complimented me on my bravery 
 in a speshil order of the day, but as I prefercd the SUNDAY MER- 
 KARY as a inejum of comuioonicashin with the public, he grace- 
 fully yeelded the pint ; bein the fust time that brave man ever 
 yeelded to ennythiug human. Of all dragon olfsirs I ever seen 
 he's the trump. The Dook de Chatters was kind enuff to present 
 me with a cupple of Legin of Honors he happend to hev about 
 him, and the County Paris gin me as a quid pro quo for my 
 sarvices a portrit of his grandfather Loose Fillip witch he sed 
 was the very spit of him butifully sot in Californy dinionds 01 
 the finest water. 
 
 Most of the time senst the buv-menshent brilyant feet, I hev 
 ben, as the play ses,_" a looker-on in Vienna," or at least stayin 
 in that naybrood with a detachment of cavalry. Bivowhackin 
 in the field is plesent, when thar isent too much bushwhackin 
 around. Offsirs that cotton to wun anuther sit by the camp- 
 fires of an evenin, for hours together, spinnin yarns. Thars wun 
 curus story that's like Old Virginny it never tires. I have 
 heerd menny a man tell a graffic tale, that hed no more trooth 
 inter it than a tellegraffic messidge ; but this story is as true as 
 hisstory : 
 
 It seems that for sum munts past a misterus critter hes ben 
 playin hob with the rebel centries and pickets in the woods 
 below Leesburg. Sumtimes they hev ben found on thar posts 
 shot in the neck and enable to make any response to the ink- 
 wiry, " How cum you so ?" More'n twenty, I onderstand, hev 
 at diffrent times been diskivered mortally wounded and all too 
 far gone in speechless aggerny to tell wot hurt em. At least an 
 ekwill number hes ben killed outright, and the rongdoor cant be 
 detected. Pinned to each victims brest is found a rood drorin of 
 a bull on the rampage, from witch our men iufur that the assas- 
 sin hed sum deer frend or relashin slain at the Bull Run stam- 
 pede, and takes this kwiet method of accommodatin his felines 
 of revenge. A tall, spare figger, about the bild of our venabul 
 President, is ockashinally seen flittin throo the brush in the 
 visinity of the seen of blud, but all attemps to chase down the 
 long-legged aparishin hes, so far, proved bootless. The soopers- 
 dishus rebels spose the " Speckter Scout" (as the mistery is 
 called by our sojers), to be the goste of John Brown on the war- 
 path, and they allow that he will never rest in his grave tell he
 
 128 -WAB LETTERS OP 
 
 lies wiped out Guvner Wise. This idee seems to gain confirina- 
 shin from the fact that the airly victims all belonged to the Wise 
 Login, witch is sed to hev fallen back in order to git outer 
 harms way. 
 
 While the curryspondents of the New York papers is furbid 
 to say a word about the advance as is goin forrard, rebel spies 
 huvers about our camps pickin up informashin from varus 
 kwarters headkwarters inclooded. Wun hafe of the peddlers 
 is nuthin better'n rebel jayhawkers in desguys, and the display 
 of thar wars is oney a peace of subterfudge, a reglar sell. 
 Statshinary venders hev repeetedly betrayed our moovements, 
 and wunst, in consekens of a diskivery made by a pretended 
 cookey-marchant, the Cummander-in-chief found his cake all 
 dough. Shockin to relate, fellers blastfeemusly passin tharselves 
 off as agents of Bible Sosities and setch, hes sumtimes gon throo 
 the army distribitting the Sakrid Vollum with a libral hand, for 
 no uther purpus than to entrap the onwary inter revelashins. 
 The defect of several important plans has also ben traist to coal- 
 porters as perfest to emmanate from the Young Men's Christian 
 Assoshiashin. lielidgin bein the weak side of most of our offsirs, 
 menuy hes ben suckt in by these wulves in sheep's peltry. 
 Aiming the vile pack of spies, thar is likewise not a few as deals 
 in keards ; and as our sojers are as hot for poker as they air for 
 preachin, ef not more so, these ongodly sirkilators of the Devil's 
 books hes hed considabul sucksess in the Poll Pry line. This is 
 the way the enemee gets inter our sekrits, and not throo telle- 
 graft dispatches to the noosepapers, witch they luck upon as 
 little better'n invenshins of the wire-pullers. 
 
 You never seen a jollier set of fellers than the offsirs hev ben 
 senst we took the feeld ; and the Ginrals of divishin is onder- 
 stood to be now engaged in gettin up sum surprise parties witch 
 it is thort will be brillyant affairs. In fact, I reckin wun of em 
 must be onder way at present, for I hear the cavalry bugles 
 soundin to boot and saddle. I must tharfore resign the pen for 
 the swoord, and remain, cger for the fray, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XLIV. 
 
 [Fatigued with victory, our eccentric military correspondent 
 writes from the scene of the late rebel stampede. We have an
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEK. 127 
 
 idea that his modesty does not stand in the way of his genius for 
 description when his own exploits are in question. It cannot be 
 said that he has not a word to say for himself. EDS.] 
 
 STRASBUKG, March 28, 1862. 
 Eddylurs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 Ginral Maclellin is aciduously preparin to giv the rebellyun a 
 fatal punch, wotever the spoony agitators of the Triboon may 
 say to the contrary. Purty sun the hull kentry will sing Tedium, 
 as the French did at Not a Dam, arter the fight at Sulphurino, 
 and over a victry ekwilly gloryus. The Anny Condy is around ! 
 The deth skweedge is approachin ! In the meantime the Ginral, 
 knowin that a negerness to carry the war inter Afrikey hes ben 
 frettin my gizzard ever senst the sege of Washington commenst, 
 kindly 'lows me to take a hand in the prelimindary skrimmedges. 
 Consekently, in the late plucky affares at Winchester and Stras- 
 hurg I was fortnit enuff to pluck a few lorils. The engagement 
 on Sunday was wun of the hottest shindies that hes tuck place 
 dooriu the war. No dout sum of your Sam-singin Sabbatarians 
 will consider we tuck an ougodly libty in fitin for the Onion on 
 the Lord's day. But you kaiit ajurn a battle on ackount of Sun- 
 day, enny more'n you ken ajnrn a soler ecleps or the Vernil 
 Equalnocks. War doosent know enny setch thing as a dies none. 
 And so on Sunday, the day when setch divines as your Revrend 
 Doctor Hawks dekliues to ax a blessin on our arms, we was 
 " makin Mob howl," as the prophet I Sayer ses. I'm not an infid- 
 dlc by no means, and though I don't harp as mutch on relidjus sub- 
 jecks as sum foke's, I bleeve in keepin the Sabbath wholly ; but 
 an army, when attacted, must take its own part. Ef secesh will 
 consent to stack arms and go to meetin wun day in seven, so 
 will Yankee Doodle ; but as the inspired Jerry Myer remarks 
 (chapter C, varse 14). wots the use of " sayin Peace ! Peace ! when 
 thar is no Peace." When thars no chice atween fitin on a Sun- 
 day and bein nockt inter the middle of nex week, it stands to 
 resin that sojevs must forego thar devoshins rayther'n becum a 
 pray for the uuwiiteous. 
 
 But a trooce to digreshins. As youre awar, nuthin of moment 
 occurd on the 22d instant, eggsept that our gloryus Shield was 
 so much injerd as to be onfit for sarvice the follerin clay. The 
 hull army regretted the axdent, but, as the Scripter ses, we relied 
 on Providence as our " buckler and shoor defence," and went in 
 on Sunday mormn feline as confident of suckcess as Saint Gorge 
 did when a sal'un the Fie:.y Dragon. The rebel ranks hed ben
 
 128 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 sweld doorin the night by a new corpse five thousand strong, 
 this fresh body bein led by Ginral Garnet, considerd by the 
 secesh a milentary jewill of the fust water. They thort the 
 nolledge of Garnet's arrival would hev gin us a preshus stun, 
 but we hed heerd aforehand that his men was a passel of misabul 
 topers, and besides our blud was up, and like Heenan, or Sayers, 
 or the New York Common Counsell, we was reddy for enny- 
 thing in the ring. The rebels was headded by Ginral Jackson, 
 who doosent claim enny relashinship to the late Hero of New 
 Orleens, tho Ime of opinyun that his right to a descent from Old 
 Hickry in a direct line with a loop at the eend ont kennot be 
 disputed. 
 
 The cumbat opend with a lively artillery dooill. Our round 
 shot smashed thar squars, and plowed throo thar colluines with 
 harrowin efl'eck. Thar fire warnt noways slack nuther, and as 
 we hed both got our ranges, we raked wun anuther like blazes. 
 Purty sun thar right wing fainted, at the same time thar flyin 
 artillery, follerd by a large boddy of foot, pitched in over on the 
 left. Then our bands struck up and our playtoons advanced. 
 It was a trernenjus struggle. But at last AVC druv em. Nex they 
 tride to brake or center by an eshellon moovement, but they got 
 a shellin as soon convinced em it was a bad egg, and they fell 
 back at a Flora Temple trot. Then follerd a suckseshin oi 
 attacts and repulses till about 4 P. M., when the eggsausted fo findin 
 wot a clock it was with em began to giv way. Doorin this inter- 
 val, sum of our offsirs and men performed setch progenies of 
 valor as is the nateral offspring of stout harts and a wholly caws. 
 Wun Suppletnrn, of the Eighty-forth Pennsylvany, acktilly 
 jumped up behint a Virginny major as he wheeled his hoss to 
 retreat, and ketchin the rains with his left hand while he choked 
 the rider with his right, brort him in, black in tho face, as a 
 prisner of war. I never seen a prettyer feet of arms. The major 
 blastfeemed orfully when he rekivered his breth, and sect it was 
 a sircuss-rider's trick and nuthm better. I hed sevral pursenal 
 runcounters myself, for whenever an extree charge was orderd, 
 I tuck keer to be counted in. On wun ockashin a rebel kernil, 
 armed to the teeth and carryin an Arkansas toothpick as probly 
 weighd nine pounds in his light hand, spurred his hoss at me, 
 and tlirowd his weepin with setch murderous force that it went 
 throo my milentary flap-jack and inter the mouth of a key-bugle 
 forty paces in the rare, eenamost sendin it down the trumpeter's 
 throte. Ime not fond of blowin, but I wisht you'd a seen the 
 back stroke that kemil got in return. It sheered off his coconut
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 129 
 
 as ef his neck lied ben made of vegetabul marrow or mangle 
 worseill, and the charger dasht on with the raskilly carcuss 
 upright in the saddle, jest as ef nnther hoss nor man was con- 
 slins of the cutastrophy, ontil the cuvus speckticle disappeered in 
 the smoke of battle. 
 
 About liafe-past 4 in the arternoon the ptirsute began, and of 
 all actyvc pursutes that I was ever engaged in, that was the live- 
 liest and most excitin. We druv em inter Strasburg, and outer 
 Strasburg, and ten miles bcyant Strasburg, like straws afore the 
 worldwind. The milentary report ses : " Our artillery played 
 continally on the rebels." But ef that was playin, I wunder 
 wot Ginral Banks calls airncst ? Monday mornin the same orful 
 pastime was recommenst, ontil all thar survivin foot sojers heel 
 got inter the mountins, and the hoss was either taken or cut to 
 peaces. 
 
 line' so stiff in the jints yet with hard ridin that I aint by no 
 means lit for littery effort, and Ime afeard this letter isent in my 
 tishil elastick vain. As sun as I git soopeld out I shell rite agen, 
 and in the meantime I remane, on the key veeve for anuther 
 skriinmidge, Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. XLY. 
 
 [The old Cynic informs us in a private note which accompa- 
 nied the following letter, that when he wrote it he was suffering 
 from an overflow of bile. There can be no doubt of that. 
 Some parts of it are as bitter as if he had dipped his pen in his 
 
 own gall. EDS.] 
 
 WILLOW GROVE, NEAR WO'ODSTUCK, > 
 VIRGINNY, April 4, 1862. > 
 
 That porshin of the milentary reptyle onder the keer of Ginral 
 Banks, snakes along purty lively. Ef the tail and the rest of the 
 boddy doos as well as the head, the rebels now flyin like sheep 
 every, witch way, will be lammed at all pints and finerly 
 skwelchecl in its corntracted folds. Toosday bein the fust of 
 April, Kernil Ashby, with his cavalry and sum infantry, sposed 
 to be pairt of the Wise lejin, hed the foolhardeeness to despute 
 our march, but in coarse we was more'n a match for em, drivin 
 em eendways twelve milds and inter Woodstuck as el Lucyfur 
 6*
 
 130 \VAE LETTEKS OF 
 
 was arter em. On Wensday, hevin shelled the Kernil outer 
 Woodstuck, and inter Edenburg sevin milds beyant, we stopt to 
 inend the bridges burnt by this arch rebel and his incinderary 
 follerers, and to-morrer or nex day, so we hop, we shall be arter 
 him agen on the rode to Staunton. Ginral Jackson's mane 
 boddy is probly saift for the present in the hills, but his rare is 
 in the bottom land, and we expect to cut it off. The gait at witch 
 these high minded, onsensabul-to-fear-fellers travels is a caushin 
 to Jack-the-Joint killer's ^evin-legged boots. "Old Virginny 
 never tire," the song ses, and no more it doosent. Ef the secesh 
 kant fight for the commonweal, they ken run for it faster'n 
 enny common wheel you ever seen, and air eenamost ekwill 
 to thar own locomotives. I've heern tell of the wunderful feets 
 of Jackson, the American Deer, but I'll bet horns round for a 
 ridgement, he couldn't hev beat Jackson, the American traitor, 
 when he was on the full lope for Strasburg with Kernil Tyler 
 and the Third Brigade at his hanches. They tork like Spurty- 
 cuss in the Gladiater, these Suthern leaders, but they aint wuth 
 a darn at closte kwarters. I onderstand that W. II. Russell, 
 Hell, Hell, D. as the cocknees calls him speaks, in his last 
 letter to his owners in London, of the " onyieldin South." Ei 
 the Father of Fibs should ever go inter the travellin sircuss 
 line, he oughter to engage that farsceshus gentelman as clown 
 to the infarnal ring ; his grimaces in black and white takes the 
 shine out of all the odd tricks I ever seen played with the 
 papers, and I've ben a speshil curryspondent of the press for 
 over twelve years. " Onyieldin South !" But mebbe he means 
 the cotton and terbacker fields, witch sartinly is likely to be 
 rather onyieldin for a seesin or two. 
 
 The noose from Port Rile is plesent, isent it ? The " onyieldin " 
 rebels lies scudded off from the Scudaway batteries, and bolted 
 like thunder from Fort Thunderbolt. The bellygerents at Fort 
 Poolasky also wants to evackyate, but thars no passidge open, 
 and they'll hev to cave in. In the neybrood ot Bufort, North 
 Caroliny, the Last-ditchers is ekwilly ankshus to clar out, witch 
 may be eggspressed in a single standsir as follers : 
 
 The cornered rebels in Fort Makin 
 Desires, in vain, to save thar bakin, 
 But bein mau-and-God-forsakin, 
 Will by a salt be shortly takin ; 
 For Goldsboro thar walls will break in, 
 While Burnside gives thar rare a rakin. 
 Oh ! won't thar be a dry-bones shakin, 
 A reglar third-day ager kwakin,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 181 
 
 When Yankee troops, for glory achin 
 Knock Smith to smithers in Fort Makin? 
 
 It seems thars no feesabul way for the rebels to vamose iron 
 Fort Makin, eggsept by way of Rogues Sound, and Ginral Burn- 
 side sposin they would instinktively take that rout, lies headeu 
 em off at Morehead City, witch is jest oppersit. To use a favorii 
 Suthern frays theyre " dun gon in." Captin Smith who com- 
 mands the iortyficashin, is about as badly off as the coon thai 
 surrendered to his namesake, and he'd better cum down aloro 
 the shootin begins ef he wants to save his peltry. I scarsly think 
 thar 11 be inutch fushin of blud at Fort Makin, for Smith, as you 
 will gess from his name, belongs to wun of the numerus fust, 
 famalies in the South, and probly wouldn't like to be wiped out 
 by common Northern mudsills. 
 
 Charlestoun it seems is an orful funk, and the civil funkshinaries 
 at last acknounts, was talkin of settin fire to the city, and runnin 
 away by the light of it a favorit dodge in the " Onyieldin 
 South." The wimmen and children was leavin, and the men, 
 notwithstandin thar wish to welkim the " Cowardly Yanks " 
 " with bluddy hands to horspitable graves,"' felt as ef it was 
 their dooty to foller on and look arter their famalies. The rebel 
 ginral Evans recently marched from that visinnity in sairtch of 
 the invaders, and on lindin em, iuimediently " retreated in a mas- 
 terly manner." The Onyielders is not introosive. Ef thars enny- 
 thing for witch they air remarkabul it is their retirin dispers- 
 shins, and thar bashiulness in the presence of a Union crowd. 
 Floyd, Pillow, Wise, Jackson, Johnston, evryboddy in fack, as 
 is ennyboddy, in Dixie, retires in a masterly manner. Advancin 
 backards is thar fort. 
 
 Mebbe afore this gits inter prent thar'll be a grate fight in Vir- 
 giuny, and mebbe thar wont. The moovments of the big army 
 wurm as is to enwollop the rebels in its coils, is ambigus. 
 Sum thinks it is of the same genus as the sellybrated mareen 
 monster as visits Nayhaunt every summer ajid is conneckted 
 with so menny tales. Uthers calls it a chunk-bed and allows 
 thars nuthin inter it, but my opinyun is that the critter's of the 
 Great Bore speshis, and will as sartainly swaller the Rebellyun 
 as the whale bolted Jonah or Barnum's snake the blanket. Ef 
 it doosent sumthin else will, so wots the odds ? 
 
 Hopin that the general lickin, witch, accorain to nateralists 
 precedes the boltin in setch cases, will sun take place, I remain, 
 wurmily, Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED
 
 132 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 NO. XLVL 
 
 [Humor oozes out of the old veteran as naturally as gum out 
 oi a peach-tree, but it is by no means as soft and saccharine. 
 The palpable hits at heroes who cultivate the correspondents of 
 the press with the hope of figuring in print, will touch some- 
 body hi the raw, and, in fact, a good many somebodies or, more 
 properly speaking, nobodies. There is also a sly, but not ill- 
 natured, poke at the censorship the one mistake of our ener- 
 getic Secratary of War. The Disbanded, it will be seen, is now 
 with the grand Army of the Potomac, than whom a finer body 
 of men-at-arms never took the field. EDS.] 
 
 HEAD KWARTERS, NEAR YORKTOWN, ) 
 VIRGINNY, April 9, 1802. > 
 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerTcary : 
 
 In compliants with orders from head kwarters I cut my stick 
 from Ginral Bankses divishin at Stunny Crick on Friday last, for 
 the porpus of jining Ginral Maclellin's staff. My feller a decamps 
 oi the Fift Army Corpse, showed the most lively emoshin at 
 partin, and I must say I was considabully mooved myself as I 
 gall npped off. Ginral Banks was kind enuff to remark that he 
 was sorry to looze the sarvices of setch a distingwished old 
 sojer, and presented me with a pocket-pistil as a shootable tokin 
 of a steam. Wun of my bruther offsirs gin me a flask us a cuin- 
 paniun to the pistil, and I now ware em about my purson as a 
 mementor of the glorious sperits I left behind me in the Fift 
 Divishin. Ginral Maclellin receved me with mutch swervity 
 and perliteness, returnin my respeckful bow with the kwiet 
 curtsy peculiar to that wunderful struttygist. I am afeard you 
 will regaird me as little better 'n a bag of wind in makin wot 
 may seem to be vane pursenal illushins to myself, but I asshoor 
 you I am not puft up in the leest by the oner dun me, but conr 
 tinny jest as condesendin to my ekwils as ef I warn't made mutch 
 of. Atwixt ourselves, Eddyturs, I hev my douts whether I 
 should be treted with setch a grate attenshin, but for bein the 
 curryspondent of an influenshil noosepaper. When a kernil 
 gives me an oncomnion hard squeedge of the hand, I put down 
 two-thirds of the presshur to the fack that I am a member of the 
 press, and I kant kelp thinkin as the little presents of segars and 
 shampain sent so frekwently to my kwarters lies more inter em 
 than meets the eye. As a means oi oblamin prornoshin, the pen,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 133 
 
 as you are awar, is sumtiines mityern the swoord. I could add 
 more on this interistin tropic, but it shall never be sed that D. V. 
 vilated the confidence even of the confidence kernilo as reposed 
 thar ambishus hops in his onabul buzzum. I would say, how- 
 sever, throo your abel jernil witch is kept on file by milentary 
 men of evry rank that my sole spurns corrupshin, and that no 
 amount of hideseek and regalees will indoose me to reckymend 
 fether-headed boasters as proper persons to be made Bragadears. 
 Incompetent offsirs as eggspecks me to write em up, leans on a 
 brokin read. 
 
 But I am stragglin off from the matter in hand, witch is the 
 proposed seeser 01 Yorktown. The path of Glory lays open 
 afore us, but the road is bad. Ever senst the army left Cockle- 
 town the hevvy mud lies ben a severe trial to the mussels of the 
 men. On Toosday it rained pitchforks and blowed great guns, 
 witch, in addishin to the shells throne at us by the enemee, 
 made the rout ennything but plesent. It is difficult to wheel a 
 collume whar the ruts is deep enuff for graves, and eenamost 
 onpossabul to wheel a gun-carridgc, and in coarse with setch 
 tremenjus engines of war we frekwently broke a shaft. Ornary 
 humans Avould hev considerd an advance outer the kwestin, but 
 this army consists prencepully of sooperhumans. They clasht 
 at dubble kwick throo onpentrable woods, and fairly danced 
 acrost bottomless moreasses. Ef a battery opened onter us we 
 immediently shet it up. Skrimmidgin was frekwent on the 
 march, but I hev heerd of nuthin to the enernee's advantidge. 
 The press, as ushil, disting wished itself. I larn that on Sunday 
 the curryspondent of the New York World brort in three pris- 
 ners, wun oncler each arm and wun on his back. Wot a corn- 
 trast to Russell's Bull Run from Centerveal. 
 
 Hevin overcum all prelimindary obstickles we air now encampt 
 within two milds of Yorktown, gettin reddy to go in. But the 
 works of the rebels is voloominus. They eggstcnd clar acrost 
 the tung of land atwixt the mouths of York and James, and sho 
 setch a formadouble row of teeth that to attact em seems like 
 rushin inter the jaws of destruckshin. I menshin this fack that 
 the publick may appreshiate the eggsplite, when these impreg- 
 nable fortyficashins is carried with the bagnet. The rebel 
 resarves behind the wurks is varusly estimated at from 15 thou- 
 sand to 51 thousand vetruns. I dont know witch number is 
 right, but lie hev em counted ef possabul when the place is tuck, 
 and let you know. 
 
 Balloon reckonnuisances is made frekwently. I went up
 
 134 WABLETTEBSOF 
 
 ycstday myself, as high as the highest mounting in the ney- 
 brood, and obtaned important informashin, with I will send you 
 arter the sege is over, ef Seckatry Stanton doosent objeck. It 
 ks,nt, howsever, be a vilashin of the 57th artickle to state, that 
 with the assistants of a dubble-ackshin pay tent refractory telle- 
 scope, I brort Ginral Magruder so near that I could eenamost 
 hear him swar and could distinctly see him drink. He peered 
 to be takin a horn about the size of the wun as bloo down the 
 walls of Jerryco. The offsirs ginrally seemed to be engaged in 
 similder ginastick eggsersizes. It was a butiful Spring day, was 
 yestday, and I hev seldum seen the swallers more numerus. 
 
 Among the spiles taken this week was a curus dockyment 
 found in the desarted shanty of a rebel engineer offsir. It was a 
 kornpleat plan of Ginral Maclellin's forrard moovement, and 
 the date shode as Magruder hed all the particklers from A to 
 Izzerd, long afore the Nuthern press was awar that the grand 
 army was going to moove at all. I merely elude to this little 
 incident en possum, as the French say, as a strikin pruff of the 
 saygassity displaid in institootin the tellegraft censureship, in 
 order to keep the enemee in the dark as to the struttygems of the 
 Commandin Ginral. Whoos the infarnal traitor as peeped over 
 the sholder of the Guverment V that s the kwestin. 
 
 Thars a rummer from the Roads as that tuff customer the 
 Merrymac and sevin steam tenders, is all reddy for anuther tug 
 o^ war, and I spose by the time this letter reaches you the fight 
 will hev ben fit and the victry wun. I trust the Monitor will 
 rip inter the old Turtle's iron shell ; but ef she doosent, the 
 Vanderbilt's purty shure to run throo the infarnal cuss ef they 
 let her rip. But wots the use of speckerlatiu when the issoo 
 will prchaps be decided afore these lines cums to hand ; and 
 not onprobably the encmees lines, witch I ken see stretchin for 
 milds on ether side as I set ritin in my tent, will be in our 
 perseshin. Hopin we'll make anuther Cornwallis of Magruder 
 by nex week at the latest, and that when taken he wont be too 
 drunk to be aniusin, I remain, antizzipating victry, 
 
 Yours, allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. XLVH. 
 
 [The following letter from the dry old joker will bear twice 
 reading. It will make appreciative readers laugh inwardly,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 135 
 
 if it does not " set the table in a roar". Quiet satire is the veter- 
 an's forte, but the caustic stream runs deep. EDS.] 
 
 IN FBUNT OP YOKKTOWN, April 14, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 To use a eunick and novil frays, much patternized by the 
 tellagraft, evrything is progressin favorbly. Sevral thousand 
 conterbands is engaged to-day in draggin artillry mules outer the 
 moreasses ; and ef the wether continnees fine, the hevvy howits- 
 tirs as disapered in the kwogmires doorin our march will be 
 razed by the last of April. Hevin takin the precawshin to plant 
 boys over the places whar the guns went down, the men will no 
 whar to dig for em, and tho even thar breeches has gone under, 
 I hev no dout they will all be brort to the sirfiz. Here in camp, 
 the mud is mostly half leg deep for light infantry, and sum of 
 the German ridgements is up to the seckind jint in the saft and 
 plastic sile. The ground about Ginral Maclellin's hed-kwarters 
 presents the aperience of a cow-yard arter a three weeks' steddy 
 rain, and the waity members of his niillentary fammaly nowund 
 then sticks fast in the slow. Bein light and spry hisself, he 
 manages to skip the bad places, and so avides bein stuck. As a 
 ginral thing, the upper-crust will support a small drummer. A 
 panick onder setch suckemstances would be onplesent, bekase 
 it would be onpossabul to run as fast as on terror finner. 
 
 Howsever, thars no danger of a panick. Not a man in this 
 invinsabul army nose what fear is well enuff to diskribe it with- 
 out a dickshinary. We air all as jolly as ef war was a plesent 
 game at keards tho we no not how sun the strongest harts 
 amung us may be played out and kivered with thar cumraids 
 spades. As to the shufflin and cuttin we leave that to the 
 " nateral heroes'' of the Land of the Last Ditch. Wun of our 
 amusements (I elude to the offsirs) is to get the darkeys to dance 
 for us wen thar days wurk is dun. Thars a dry green spot about 
 a pistil -shot from my tent, whar a passel of us gethers evry pies- 
 cut evenin to see our cukurnber-legged frends perform thar 
 wunderful brake-downs, and with the help of a little " Crook- 
 shin lawn" [old Mungoheeler whiskey) we manedge to hev a 
 very lively feet shampeter. 
 
 The sqjers is strickly forbidden to plunder ; but ef fethers and 
 brissels doosent gro spontanusly in these swomps, Ime inklined 
 to think, from apcriences, that seecesh chickens and shoats is 
 considabully corufiscated in a privit way by independent forrid- 
 gin partees. 
 
 It may be as the owls cro like roosters in this regin, and that
 
 136 \7AK LETTEKS OF 
 
 the grunts I hecr at night is the snorin of the German hevy 
 dragons, but I hev sartinly heerd the same noisea whar thar was 
 hen-rusts and pig-pens. 
 
 Balloon investigashins takes place daily, and a correck and 
 relieable map of the hull airy of the enemee's wurks hes ben tuck 
 by wun of our errornots. The seecesh, howsever, hes sot up a 
 noppersishin, and sports neerly as big a bag of wind as we do. 
 They call it the Giddyun Pillow, arter the inflated bein of that 
 name as kullapsed at Fort Donelson. Yestday both consarns 
 was up at wunst, and cum so closte together that riful shots was 
 eggschanged atweeu the civil engineers in the baskets. It is 
 thort that a bullet fired by wun of our topografical fellers perpe- 
 trated the bottom of the rebel gas bag, but it retired in good 
 order to the frendly kiver of a nayborin cloud to hev the hole 
 darned. The results of our atmostfearical scoutin, so far, is ray- 
 ther startlin. The fo is reported at wun hunderd and fifty thou- 
 sand strong, with six hunderd guns ; but sum thinks the trunks 
 of. the trees they air haulin from the woods to bild brestwurks 
 was mistakin for artillry. As the balloon estimit of the rebel 
 force at Manasses was two hunderd thousand men, with fortifi- 
 cashins ekwill to the Mollycoff and the Mammylon at Seblasty- 
 pull, and the actil number turnt out to be oney forty thousand, 
 behint sum misabul airthwurks, it is sposed by refiectin minds 
 that errorstatic observashins is allmity onsartin. Purfessor La 
 Mounting ses that the refractoriness of the upper atmostfear is 
 amazin, and that Avhen the obsarver is elevated above a givin 
 pint he is apt to see dubble. This skyentific vew of the case hes 
 ben adopted, I bleve, by Ginral Maclellin. 
 
 Senst my last, I hev spent two plesent days with the advance, 
 as a volunteer sharp-shooter. I never tride the tellascupic sites 
 afore, and J consider em a grate conveenyance. At a kwarter of 
 a mild they bring wun of the " nateral lords of the sile" so neer 
 that the ornaryest backwoodsman kant miss him. I laid in 
 ambush behint a chinkapin bush and plugged seventeen, takin 
 keer, howsever, not to hit em in the hed, or the stummick, or 
 enny vital part ; bekase as it takes four well men to carry off a 
 cripple, evry wownded man counts five outer the ranks, while a 
 ded feller, rekwirin no assistants, is left whar he draps, and oney 
 counts one. The most important strutegic manover in war is to 
 knock a man over without killin him. Frinstance, when thars 
 twenty-five thousand of the enemee, ef you kin wownd five 
 thousand, it takes the uther twenty thousand to tote em away, 
 by witch the feeld is left vakint and they air totally defected.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLXJNTEEK. 137 
 
 (See the Hull Art of War by the Curryspondent of the Sinsinater 
 Times.) 
 
 Torkin of the press, the ritcrs for that omnippertcnt institooshin 
 is kiverin thai-selves with glory on this peninslur. Ime proud 
 of the frayternity. Pen in hand, they persoo thar inkwiries evry- 
 whars. The currysponclent of the New York Times lied a fence 
 rail shot onder him last week, while settin onto it galliantly takin 
 notes of an afiair of outposts. Anuther distingwished jurney- 
 man jurnilist was chaste three furlongs acrost an open by a 
 reckoshettin ball, and saved his life by fallin inter a gully jest as 
 it hopt over. The world would hev regretted his loss, ef the 
 missill hed put him throo. The artists for the pictoryals is also 
 cool and cam in the midst of the most eminent dangers, and wun 
 of em cum very neer bein rubbed out yestday while makin a 
 sketch of sum skeclacldlin rebels. A shell fell inter his hat, 
 witch he hed takin off for coolness, but fortnitly, like menny 
 uthers, it hed no lews. 
 
 The plans of Ginral Maclellin for usin up the shiverally at 
 Yorktown air the most masterly that lies ever ben corntrived 
 senst Siezir crost the Rubignn. Setch, I larn from a desarter, is 
 the opinyun of Ginral Jo Jonstuu, the rebel cummander, who 
 hes hed em by him ever senst the middle of March. In coarse I 
 am not aloud to whisper wot they air, but all the particklers is 
 in 'the Norfolk and Richmound papers ; Seckatry Stanton's 
 standin order for the promoshin of lyal ignorance not bein 
 respected by thar sassy ecldyturs. 
 
 It is reported here that the Merrymac bust a gun Avhen she was 
 out in the Roacls tuther day, and that but for the magnannymus 
 detarminashin of the Seckatry of the Navy to take no advantidges 
 of a genrus fo, she mought hev ben nockt eendways. Seckatry 
 Welles is the right man in the right place. Dont you think so ? 
 I dont, by thunder J 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. XLVHI. 
 
 [Hampered by the Star Chamber edict of the War Depart- 
 ment, our old correspondent writes this week with less than his 
 usual vim. It is easy to see that he pines under the restraint
 
 138 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 imposed upon him by the Senseless Censorship of the Press. 
 
 EDS.] 
 
 ADVANCE GAUD, YORKTOWN PENINSLUR, > 
 April 23, 1802. > 
 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 Senst I rit last things lies gon on in the ushil rootin stile ; but 
 as the rains hes ceast and the sakrid sile is no longer an infarnal 
 dam, its not onprobabul that the stormin will sun coinmense. 
 Our boys, as you may conjecter is egur to take the shine outer 
 the blasted Seecesh, and ef they cut up ruff they'll git polisht off 
 in short order. 
 
 Sum thinks, howsever, that as the uther collumes of our army 
 drors to a foecus on thar flank and rare, the cornfedrits seein no 
 outlet from the intrickit maize, will acknollidge the corn as Corn- 
 wallis did, without waitin to be shelled out. Cobb. I ouderstand, 
 is in a desput way at the prospeck, and a kernil as was tuck 
 prisner'this moruin ses he would give his ears to be outer the 
 scrape. He hes no confidence in the resent raw re-enforcements 
 standin fire. 
 
 But my own idee is, that a bluddy struggel is brewin. The 
 rebellyun is a hopless case, but they'll fight it out to the bitter 
 eend. Ef our gunboats could git up the James, we'd put em 
 throo thar jimnastics purty kwick. They'd find it rayther a 
 hard row to hoe to hold thar present persishin onder a rakin 
 fire from that kwarter. But the Merrymac is cock of the walk, 
 and bein aloud to crow it over everything we hev in the Roads, 
 thars no chanst for our turkles to run up inter the inteeryur and 
 help us carry Yorktown by a coo de main. Our fleet lied the 
 monster fowl tuther day, with its big gun busted and its beak in 
 the mud, but the orders was not to attact, so the Monitor and 
 the Nogotuck, and the Vanderbelt and cetery, hed to look on 
 till the critter was got off, arter which it made a tact acrost the 
 harbor and retired with drums beatin and cullers flyin as a 
 triboot of respect to the asstoot head of our Navy Department. 
 Isent it a shame setch a funkshinary should be the alpher and 
 onager of our nobul mareen? Why doosent the venabul old 
 Rip Van Winkle retire from the Naval burrow to Sleepy Hol- 
 low, whar he naterally blongs ? We want a feiler thar as nose 
 beens, and not an auntydiloovian as nose nuthen but has beens, 
 and barly that. Noah wouldent hev shipt setcli an old fogy as 
 a forrard hand to holystone his blessed decks. 
 
 The cnemee in frunt continnees bizzy spadin up new airth- 
 wurks, but the punches they git from our artillry rayther
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 139 
 
 damps thar ardent sperrits, often indoocin em to thro down the 
 shuvvel and the ho, and dig for saifter diggins. Evry day thar 
 wurkin parties fall back hafe a duzzen times for want of proper 
 support, while setch is the eggsellent^frovishin made for kiverin 
 our trenchers that they air allus full of pluck. The firing of 
 Burden's sharpshooters inflicks hevy losses on the rebels. No 
 sunner doos a gunner show than he's a goner. Thirteen was 
 rubbed out yestday while spunging thar pieces, and still anuther 
 who was sightin a Parrott loaded with grape, reseved a bullet in 
 the ball of each eye at the same moment. The latter bein 
 onable to see whar he was goin, walked strait inter the Fedral 
 lines, and altho kwite blind, is thort to hev a good look to 
 rekiver. 
 
 Our advance is now oney seven hunderd yards from thar out- 
 wurks, and when the wind is right we ken hear em blastfeem. 
 Ef profanity was fatil at that distance, we should all hev ben to 
 the devil long ago, for the retches swar at us like troopers. 
 Misabul sinn TS onackvvainted with the provub that cusses is 
 like chickens, and goes hum for the same porpus they little 
 thinkin what hell-roosts they air imkin of thar onfortnit soles. 
 Mebbe ef they hed hed as menny pius tracks to guide em as we 
 hev, they would never hev wanderd from the strait and narrer 
 path inter the broad way that leads to destruckshin. 
 
 We ort to make allowances for the fact that they air destitoot 
 of mishinaries, and hev no coalporters to giv em informasliin 
 about the fire that is never kwenched. Indeed they must be 
 pitably ignorant about setch matters, otherways Bowerygard 
 would never hev eggspected to find water for his hoss whar it 
 kant be obtained for no price. But how kin you hop to find 
 enny relidjus sentiment aniung peeple as hev no Sunday papers, 
 and attends theayters on the Sabbath day, and parsecutes meek 
 and lowly ministers of the gospel like Parson Brownlow ? 
 
 These remarks, howsever, is less shootable to a camp than a 
 camp meetin. To return to secklar matters : Purfessor Low 
 has jest desended from the skies in his big balloon " Agasis," and 
 reports that Jeff Davis has arrived at Yorktown with suckers to 
 the amount of nine thousand men. He ses he counted the 
 sojers, and he knew Jeff by his long neck ; but then the pur- 
 fessor is sumwot given to stretchin. I remember a few years 
 ago, I gin fifty cents to see Low start from New York by the air 
 line for London, but arter raisin the wind, lo and behold, as tho 
 Devil would hev it, he oney went as far as the Elysium Feelcls. 
 My own bleef is, that most all the big stories we hear about
 
 140 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 seecesh re-enforcements and setch, amounts to nix ; and, like the 
 late rummer of a Union defeat at Elizabeth, purceeds from the 
 Father of Lize. 
 
 Thar was a butiful shindy in the rebel lines yestday arter- 
 noon. 
 
 Two ridgements heel apursenal dilferculty, and we could see em 
 firin into wun anulher for hafe hour or so in a lively style, killin 
 inenny on both sides. It was a puzzle to all of us why they 
 should riddle wun anuther in a plug-muss, wen they no well 
 enuff that our men is spilin for a fight and reddy to put em throo 
 at the shortest notis. Howsever, its not onplesent to witness a 
 bluddy ruff and tumble atwixt two sets of ruffyuns, when wun 
 reflecks that witchever of the skallywags whips its all right for 
 our side. 
 
 A desartcr who cum in about an hour ago, ses it was a skrim- 
 midge atwixt a South Carolinyridgement and a boddy of Virginny 
 Volunteers as was resenlly enlisted agen thar will at the pint of 
 the bagnet, and that the muttonneers hed the best of it. When 
 troops of Sister States pitches inter wun anuther arter this 
 fashin, its a sign that the ties of hi utherhood is brokin, and that 
 the aifairs of the rebels is approachin a crysis. 
 
 The grand a salt was onavoidably postponed last week, on 
 account of the rain, but the day is now fixt, and it will cuin off 
 at the appinted time, rain or shine, wether or no. In the mean- 
 time evrything goes on as agreeably as the most sanguinary 
 frends of the Union could desire. I send you the oridginal plan 
 of attact (which hes senst ben changed), but in coarse you hev 
 tact enuff not to prent it. Seckatry Stantons standin order agen 
 givin aid and curnfurt to the enemee by foretellin past events, is 
 still in full force, and as I dont want you to git inter diffikulty 
 by predictin wot might hev happened onder circumstances 
 witch dident occur, you hed better not menshin to ennybody 
 that if Ginral Maclellins first projeck hed ben carried out it 
 mought possably hev ben consummated. I hev reson to no that 
 I am onder the strick sirvillians of the Censer of the Press, 
 and tharfore ef Yorktown should be tuck on or about or 
 before Saturday the third of May, you musn't say I told 
 you so. 
 
 Hopin to date my nex with a pen dipped in Ginral Jonson's 
 inkstand, I remain, progressin favorably. 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 141 
 
 No. XLIX. 
 
 [The usually-buoyant spirits of the veteran seem to have been 
 somewhat affected by the mud and miasma of Yor.ktown Penin- 
 sula. He chafes, too, at the delays which careful and circum- 
 spect strategists consider necessary to secure success. However, 
 the great battle cannot be long postponed always supposing 
 that the enemy, while we are making preparations to defeat and 
 " bag" them, do not suddenly decamp without beat of drum, as 
 they did from Manassas. EDS.] 
 
 IN THE ADVANCE, BEFORE YORKTOWN, April 30, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The clerk of the wether arter keepin the winders of Hevin 
 wide open for three days and playin continually throo all the 
 orifizzes with two and a hafe inch pipe, suddently shet off the 
 head of water, took in the seelestyal hose, and closed the sashes 
 on Monday last, senst witch this everlastin bog hes ben simmer- 
 in down, dry in up, and generatin steam to keep the billy us fever 
 bizness goin brisk and lively. The seesin is oncommon faverable 
 for fever and ager and the crop is likely to be large. More'n 
 two thirds of the wurkin parties engaged in erectin sJiwer de 
 freezes and cetery hes the chills more or less, and buckets filled 
 with a solushin of surfit of canine hes to be sent round to all 
 the piancer hands three times a day to enabul 'em to face the 
 mewsick. Ef it warn't for that the jig would sun be up. As it 
 is the shakedowns in the tempory lazyretters is all full. Roomat- 
 tics prevails considerabul in the low kwogmires, and I kin ashoor 
 you my asina in the chest hesent ben much improoved by wot 
 the doctors call miasma in the air. In fack the atmostfearic 
 eggshellashins is wus, by chorks, than the shells of the enemee. 
 Ef we dont take the rebels down afore the reglar hot wether sets 
 in, thar'll be sum hevvy mowin dun in our ranks by the old rip- 
 per Deth. 
 
 In the meantime, as you air aware from the ushil ofishall sorces, 
 evrything is goin on to the entire satisfackshin of evrybody. 
 The diffrent camps hes ben conneckted by blazing roads through 
 the woods, and the sojers can now see what they're goin, insted 
 of hevin to ax thar way continually in passin from wun post to 
 anuther. The blazin was rayther a tuff job as it heel to be dun 
 onder the enemees fire. Sevral thousand men is at present em- 
 plide in bildin corderoy turnpikes. These corderoys is for the
 
 143 WAK LETTERS OF 
 
 breeching pieces ; but the inoreass bein eenamost bottomless in 
 sum places, thar construckshin is a wurk of amens labor. Sum- 
 times the tallest monarks of the forrest, when laid down as 
 sleepers, disappears like a dream, and uthers hes to be embedded 
 over em. Howsever the grate highway leadin throo the swamp 
 to Warwick is nearly finisht and will be thrown open to the mil- 
 entary publick in a few days. It is a bully road, about hafe the 
 width of the bullywards at Payris, but skarsly as plesent to ride 
 over. The ruts bein all the rong way, gun carridges passin over 
 it purgresses by jerks, like the innoomerable hop-toads on the 
 bog on each side, and about at the same lively pace. The fast 
 crabs of the Third Avenoo couldn't make three minnit time over 
 it not eggsackly. 
 
 "We've got to lick the fo, thats sartain, for this tung of land is 
 too allmity saft and slippery to back down on ; so, as the king 
 ses in the play, we must push forrard, " seekin for Richmound 
 in the throat of Deth." I spose the bunibardment will open in 
 airnest next week, ef the wether is faverabul for firewurks, and 
 Ginrals Banks and MacDowell hes by that time skewerd good 
 places for recevin the rebels with outstretcht arms, as they rush 
 from the eggsibishin. Wun thing you may relie upon nuthin 
 will be dun ontill the time cums to do it, and then should suck- 
 emstances prove onpropishus, it will oney be postponied ontill 
 sumthin faverabul turns up. This informashin I hev confiden- 
 shally from a very high sorce, and I trust the Censer altho I 
 am in bad odor in that kwarter will suffer it to pass. 
 
 The tidins from the Lower Mussysippi, witch hev ben current 
 here senst Monday, hes defused a flud of joy throo all our harts. 
 Lovill, it seems, cut dirt without showin enny inclinashin for a 
 brush. I remember he did jest the same when he was Deppity 
 Inspector in the New York Street Department. Gustarvus 
 Smith, anuther gradeate of the same nobul institooshin, will 
 probly flee in a simildar manner from the besum of destruck- 
 shin. The ackount given by the rebel leaders of the captcr of 
 New Orleans is rayther a frothy story, but its plain enuff that 
 arter the vessels of Porter reached the city, nuthin more was 
 seen of thar ugly mugs. 
 
 I went on a skout throo the air yest'day with the speshil airtist 
 of a picter sheet named arter a sellybrated ferry in this State. 
 The way of it was this. The airtist hearin as the Guverment 
 Genser hed cum full swing from Old Pint to arrest him for givin 
 aid and cumfurt to the euemee, by copyin an old plan of Corn- 
 wallis's and Washington's camps as they appered in 1781. cletar-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 143 
 
 rained to go up inter God Almighty's free and blessid air, whar 
 they dont hev no Censorships and Seckatries of War hes no juris- 
 dickshin, and to stay thar till the ofishall Poll Pry hed vamosed. 
 I ackumpauid him, and a jolly time we hed ; smokin meershams 
 and sipping hideseek in the rejiu of clouds, and now and then 
 directin our attenshin to the shampain keutry below, most of 
 witch is adapted to the cultivashin of terhacker. "We both 
 agreed that no man of voracity in his senses would fix the census 
 of the rebel army at more'n 70,000. We could see all the ridg- 
 mental camps, and Ime sartain as all the corpses put together 
 dident number 70,000 souls. The seecesh as was off duty pre- 
 sented a curus specktickle. They seemed to be sittin without 
 thar shirts perusin the papers. On vewin em throo a tellascope, 
 howsever, we notist they were employin thar valabul time in the 
 pershoot of vermin. Wot we at fust tuck for noosepapers, turnt 
 out on closter inspeckshin to be thar onderlinen, and judgin by 
 the way they acted, cattle must hev ben plenty aud actyve in the 
 dummestick market. My cumpanyun arter sketchin a bird's 
 eye view of the remains of the old fortyficashins at Yorktown 
 witch he gin to me, and witch I intend to publish arter the war, 
 ef not konsidered determental to past events proposed to me to 
 descend aloan and inkwire ef the Censer hed evaporated. I dun 
 so. How did I desend aloan? you natrally ax. Wai, I shot 
 down down in a parryshoot. Perhaps you never seen a parry- 
 shoot. Its wot airynaughts takes up with em as a safegard agen 
 dannger in case of a kullaps. A balloon is but an " airy nuthin" 
 as the poick eggspresses it, and so its as well to pervide for a 
 rainy day with a parryshoot ; witch is percisely like a big um- 
 bereller. Siezin this masheen by the handel I jumpt from the 
 car and floted gently, with a wobblin moshin, to the airth, with 
 no inconveenyance except a slite sea-sicknes, cawsed by the see- 
 saw moshin of the consarn. On arrivin below I inkwired for 
 the Censer and found he hed gon back to whar he belonged, 
 wharupon I gin my frend abuv the spred eagle signal an Odd 
 Fellow's sine in witch the fingers and the nose takes a con- 
 speakus part and he hnmediently tuck the hint and cum down 
 hansumly. 
 
 Hopin we may sun flounder outer this bog, kivered with lorils 
 (witch is as common as sassafrax all over the swamp, ef enny 
 boddy wanted to gether em) I remane, deep in the mud, but 
 with curridge skrewed to the stickin place. 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 144 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 No. L. 
 
 [Once more the old soldier is out on the war-path, and, of 
 course, in his element. Our readers will rejoice to learn that 
 although his horse was blown to pieces by a torpedo at York- 
 town, he was fortunate enough to escape unhurt. 
 
 FORMER HEAD-KWAHTERS OF GINRAL Jo JONSON, ) 
 WILLIAMSBUG, May 7, 1862. > 
 
 Eddyturs of t7ie Sunday Merkary : ^ 
 
 I rite this letter from a commojus manshin in Williamsbug, 
 witch was suddently vakated on Toosday night by Ginral Jo 
 Jonson and a few of his seleck frends, to make rum for Ginral 
 Maclellin and his milentary famaly. The resent tenants was 
 cumpelled by pressin engagements to start for the inteeryur 
 and genrusly left evrything at our disposhal. I am now settin 
 onto wun of Magruder's trunks, and dippin my pen (as I sed in 
 a resent letter mought sun be the case) in Ginral Jo Jonson's 
 inkstand. Immediently opposit to me sets Ginral Maclellin on 
 a camp stool, inditin a dispatch to his wife, on the back of a 
 haversack, and I no by the twinkel of his eye that he's puttin 
 things in a light that'll make her feel as happy as a toad in a 
 shower. He's too much of a worrier to wurry her, even if mat- 
 ters lucked skwally ; but seein we hev given the pussnannymus 
 cusses rats, in coarse, he feels like a bird, and rites boyantly. 
 Our departed frends doosent peer to hev ben very tid} r in thar 
 habits. Empty whisky jugs, bucks on milentary tacktricks, 
 charts of the peninslur drord on the whitewashed walls with 
 terbacker juce, eppylets, boots as seems to hev hed thar soles run 
 off with hard travel, and setch artickles of clothin as perfeshinal 
 runners diskards in a match agin time, is prominent amung the 
 embellishments of the apartment whar I am now turnin my idees 
 inter black and white. The floor presents a disgustin speck- 
 tickle, bein kivered with Confedrit kwids, no doubt spit out in a 
 simultanus shower at the moment of departer, to avide swallerin 
 'em in the wild rush to a more conjenial locashin. 
 
 But enufF of the sourcaustic. Seens of blucl and cetery setch 
 as I hev to deskribe is too serous to be treted in my ushil vein. 
 Kegairdin the mane facks of the high old rebel hunt witch com- 
 menst last Sunday at York Town and hes ben in full blast ever 
 senst, with allmity breef iutermishins for recreashin, the tella- 
 graft hes allreddy posted you in advance of the mails. I shall 
 tharfor, like the sellybrated contraband in the play, confine my-
 
 A. DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 145 
 
 self to the " har bredth scrapes and moovin axdents" in witch I 
 tuck a hand, pursenally, and witch the ornary curryspondents of 
 the press was too far in the rare to make a manyrandum of. 
 
 The vamose of the rebels from York Town on Saterday night 
 and Sunday mornin dident take me by supvise. When the sege 
 guns opend onto 'em to get the range, on Thursday, I sed openly 
 " they kant stand these doses, they must evackyate." Saterday 
 night, sun arter turnin in, I lied a curus dreem. It seemed to me 
 as ef a most amaziu critter rose up suddently out of the airth in 
 my tent, like wun of the stage sulfursides in Don G O Vanny. 
 He hed the aperience of a flyin sarpint, his wings bein in the 
 form of a norinous eppylets, and his boddy consistin of flexibul 
 two hunderd pounders taperiu down to four and a half inch how- 
 itzers aj; the tail eend. Ses he, rollin the red hot shot witch 
 sarved him for eye-balls, in thar sockits, as he spoke " True the 
 Milentary Annie Condy or Army Devil, / am ; wot Mephistuff- 
 erlies was to Doctor Fostus, I intend to be to Unkel Sam, oney I 
 dont want to by souls on enny terms, heviu more on hand now 
 than I ken find fewil for. Would you like my fire-eatin frend," 
 he continned, snappin his incinderary eyes ontil the sparks flue, 
 " to no wots up in the seecesh camp at this junkter." 
 
 " Ef youre the ainshint snake as got up the apple riot in Pairo- 
 dice in the year wun," ses I, " line no frend of yourn, for if it 
 Ledent a ben for your darned strutegy, this mutch-to-be-lay- 
 inented frayternal shindy mought never hev cum off. How- 
 sever," ses I, " I would like to larn how the blamed seecesh over 
 to York Town enjies thar invitin prospecks, ef the things possa- 
 bul, my old Bore Constructor." 
 
 " Siss-s-s !" ses the tremenjus reptyle, rattlin his metallick kar- 
 kiss and makin annoys with Ms firy tung, like a duzzen hafe 
 inch fuses goin on a blazin bender throo the air : " Siss-iss-s-s-s ! 
 youre a nice feller to be down on me for sirkimventin a cuppel 
 of covetus, couseted upstarts, when your ginral wants to cum tho 
 same game with the hull Suthern Cornledracy. But we wont 
 quarl old Ruff and Reddy, ketch a holt of my tail." 
 
 I dun so, and with a few vigrus flaps of his eppylet-wings we 
 wus in the oppersishin camp, when he muttered a few words too 
 profane to be repeted in a Sunday paper, and we botli becum 
 unvisabul. A moment arterwards we was in the midst of a 
 markee, in witch the head ginrals was holdin a consultashin on 
 the rebel case. Magruder was makin a speech, and as near as I 
 ken remember the vishin, it was as follers : 
 
 " I go in for fightin as Old (hie) I say, I go in for puttin em 
 7
 
 146 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 throo as Old (hie, hie) Hickory did at New Orleens." (Ginral 
 Lee iaterruptin " New Orleens be cust ! its gon to thunder!") 
 " Gent'inen, don't run ; take a sober (hie) seckind thort, and 
 stand firm," (Here he pitcht forrard and run his seegar inter 
 Ginral Jonson's eye.) " Rains ses ef we stay here we shall be 
 tuck by storm. Let her (hie) I say, let her rip ! Can we eskape 
 the fate of Corn (hie) of Cornwallis by flyin to Chickenhominy ? 
 No, gent'men, no. Ef we air to die in the last ditch, let em (hie) 
 hack us to peaces here." (" Hear, hear !" from the sojers list- 
 enen outside.) " This is class (hie) I would say classic ground. 
 Ef we must fall, let us die all, die nobly die like derni (hie) like 
 deini " 
 
 Here the speeker keeled over and sobsided, Lee whisperin to 
 Jonson " die like demijohns, I spose the drunken humbug 
 means." 
 
 At this intresting pint of the vishin I was suddently awoke by 
 the drum beatin the long role, and an orderly rusht inter my tent 
 with his eyes as big as sawsirs and informt me that the seecesh 
 hed abandoned thar wurks and it was a seckind eclishin of Man- 
 asses. In less'n twenty minits I was ridin throo thar desarted 
 camp. In coarse you hev larnt by the airly despatches, that it 
 Avas as full of torpedoes and infarnal masheens as a rebel blankit 
 is of like stock, and as I rode along I heerd em crackin on evry 
 side. Wun of em cum all thunderin near cuttin short my curry- 
 spondence with the Merkary I ken tell you. Rite in frunt of 
 Uie Rebel Head-kwarters a shell eggsploded onder my Bnsuffer- 
 icgg, and the next instant I found myself si' tin astride of a dis- 
 mounted piece, with the saddle still onder me and my feet in the 
 -sirups, mutch suprised but parfeckly saift. Thar was nuthin 
 left but me and the saddle. It was a merackalus eskape, and 
 Kbows that Providence never sleeps ; for this was about four 
 o'clock in the mornin. 
 
 The hull of Monday I was with the right wing, with Han- 
 o :-\'s brigade, in pershoot of the flyin fo. In the final shindy 
 on Monday arternoon. when we turned thar left flank, I cum 
 within a liars breclth of ketchin Maecruder. Ef Id oney hed a 
 Onliforny laureat to hev sent sin gin throo the air arier him, I 
 mought hev noosed him shoor. But alass I lost him for want oi 
 n. lasso. His hoss was a leettle swifter'n mine, and bein drunk 
 he swung about so in the saddle that I couldn't hit him with my 
 revolver. Howsever, I hev his wallet witch he threw away as 
 he fled, hopin to tempt me to stop and skewer it. I pickt it up 
 as I relurnt, but found it warnt wuth the trubble, containin
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 147 
 
 nuthin but a few dunnin letters, an obseen drinkin song, and a 
 passel of Cornfedrit shin plasters. 
 
 Last night the rebels wunst more tuck up thar line of march, 
 at a kwarter-hoss stride, and our troops are now arter em with a 
 sharp stick. 
 
 I rayther surmise the old Annie Condy is throwin her larvee 
 around ! 
 
 Luck out for still more gloryus noose nex week. Nofolk is a 
 gon case within a few days. The seecesh game's eenamost 
 played out. The beginnin of the eend is closte at hand. In the 
 arms of Victry (while the fo is on the last legs of Defeat), I 
 remain, Tours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. LI. 
 
 [It will be seen that at the date of his letter (Wednesday last) 
 our veteran friend was full of glorious anticipations. He seems 
 to have enjoyed the beautiful scenery in the neighborhood of 
 Cumberland, though the disloyal mocking-birds provoked his 
 righteous indignation. EDS.] 
 
 CUMBEBLAND, ViRaiNNT, May 14, 1862, > 
 HEAD-KWARTEBS OF GINBAL MACLEI/LIN. 
 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 We air cornerin the Cornfeds amazin rapid. Desarters report 
 as Howl Cobb is in favor of vamosin Richmound without waitin 
 to be shelled by Maclellin. Magruder, who was so feerce for a 
 stand when he was staggerin drunk, is now lyin on his back at 
 Rumford with the shakes, they say, and fancies he sees lejins of 
 lUanoy apes swimmin acrost the Pawmonkey River, with red-hot 
 pokers in thar hands to stir up his innards. A contraband as 
 cum in last night ses Mrs. Davis lies mutinid agen the Seecosh 
 Prcsdent, slapt his face, and told the poor henpect critter that 
 Seeceshin's a bad egg, and that she's hartily sick of setch a dis- 
 gustin yokefeller. The citysins of Richmound ginally is repre- 
 sented to be in a revoltin state, and the saft soap of the rebel 
 funkshinaries doosent appeer to hev enny effeck upon em. 
 Mcnny thinks it will be onpossabul to bring the Suthern troops 
 to the scratch, in consekens of the late disaster in Louseanna.
 
 148 WAS LETTERS OF 
 
 Cumberland, our present head-kwarters, is oney about twelve 
 milds from Bottom's Bridge, whar Lee allows he's goin to whip 
 us. He's got to fight or foot it right away, that's sartain, for we 
 shell be in moshin at dawn on Thursday mornin, for the porpns 
 of lettin daylight inter him and his Fly-by-nights. A currier 
 lies jest arrived from the James, who states that the Monitor 
 was around Gurl's Neck, and that the Gayleaner, witch got in a 
 tight place by huggin the shore too closte, hed ben got off with 
 a tug, and was hard arter her, with the Nogoduck cummin up 
 hand-over-hand a short distans below. By refrence to the maps, 
 you will see that the James is as full of elbows as the Mincio 
 the wun around Gurl's Neck bein the most dangerus bend of the 
 hull, with the eggsepshin of wun near the mouth. Jeff hes 
 appinted Friday, the sixteent instant, as a day of humiliashin, 
 and I predicate our gunboats and land forces '11 carry out his 
 proclamashin purty effeckshally. 
 
 The clerk of the wether, who seemed detarmind to drownd us 
 out at Yorktown, hes stopt cutting shines, and now we hev ray- 
 ther more sun then we want. But as Gloster ses to Norfolk in 
 the play, " "VVots that to us more'n to Bichmound ?" We ken 
 stand 100 degrees of Foreign heat better'n one in a hunderd of 
 the natives. And why ken we do so ? Why, bekase we aint 
 everlastinly fired up with red-eye. Tork of licker as '11 kill at 
 forty rods ! Blame my picter ef the stuff we found in sum of 
 the whisky barls at Yorktown wouldent kill as far as a Dollgrin 
 gun. 
 
 You never seen a finer kentry than this we air travellin throo 
 now. Thai's planters' housen atween Williamsbug and Cum- 
 berland, that the most plus Christian would hardly wish to trade 
 for manshins in the skies. The corn's so flurishin that it givs 
 me pain to tred onto it, and it stirs the pulse of a feller's stum- 
 mick to luck at the green peas. As I set in the piazzer of Ginral 
 Maclellin's head-kwarters, scratchin off this letter, the notes of 
 the robbings steals plesently on my ear, and the rnewsical cat- 
 birds tutches my felines with thar cherful and familyar vices. 
 The oney things that anoise me is the mockin-birds, witch, in 
 consekena of hevin lissent so long to the seecesh bands, sings 
 nuthin but "Dixie." I giv em Hail Columby, evry now and 
 then, with a handful of stuns, but, like the jail-birds as tootered 
 em, they oney fly a little ways ahead and strike up the same 
 infarnal toon agin. 
 
 We hev, aa you're awar, kwite a number of furrin offsirs 
 attached to this divishin, and they wun and all declar that a finer
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 149 
 
 core Wartime never tuck the feeld. The Due de John Veal 
 told wun of our John Bull captins* when he cum to see us at 
 Barboursvil last Saterclay, that " Yillainton (that's the way the 
 French pernounce Wellington) nevare had so mosh fine troops 
 in hees life." " jSTo," ses the Englishman, " that's a fack ; and I 
 dont see how he ever wun the Battle of Waterloo." He hed the 
 Frenchman thar, I speckylate. The Due de Chatters and the 
 County Payris is both here. They air jolly, convivyal young 
 fellers, and not averse to puttin down Old Bourbon when they 
 git a chanst. 
 
 Thar was grate rejisin amung our men when the noose arrove 
 that Cummodore Davis hed sent three of Hollinses Rams to 
 Davys locker. He's a rambunkshus feller is Hollins, but senst 
 Porter and Davis sheared inter his rams at New Orleens and 
 Fort Pillow, I pfersoom he feels like a shepherd without a flock. 
 Horns hes ben his rooin. The best thing he ken do is to rite an 
 affeckshinit farwell letter to his frends (ef he hes enny), and then 
 drap hisself inter the drink. I reckin he'd sink jest as eesy as 
 rollin off a log, for they've ben throwin liunderds of hogsheds 
 of whiskey inter the Mussysippi lately, and he'd go to the bottom 
 arter it in obejence to his nateral instinks. 
 
 Our advance gard is now feelin the enemee, and the report is 
 that he doosent feel good, and that he is tryin to slip throo our 
 fingers. Ef that's his game, he'll hev to be as lively as a lam- 
 prey eel, for we are closte onto his slimy trail, and Maclellin's 
 grip is a thunderin titan. Sum prisners sent in by the skfirn- 
 midgers this niornin, ses Lee is ankshus to meet us, and egg- 
 spects to cum oft' with flyin cullers ; but Ime afeard he'll go off 
 with flyin cullers afore we git a chanst to pitch inter him in the 
 defiles. The oney cullers warranted to stand in these parts is 
 black and yaller. Cuffee, Dinah and Co. waits for us evrywhars 
 with open arms, and would gladly embrace us, but we eggscuse 
 ourselves, on ackount of the warm wether. We air in good 
 odor with all the darkeys, but for all thar perfeshins of frend- 
 ship, they air allus tryin to get to windward of us, ef they think 
 they kin make a cent by it. 
 
 Hopin in my next to be able to say like the messenger In the 
 draynia, " Richmound is on the seeze," I remane, joyfully, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 
 
 - ~ .::.; .- ' .::_ i
 
 150 WAKLETTEBSOF 
 
 No. LH. 
 
 [Although the veteran's expectations of getting to Richmond 
 were not fulfilled, he endeavors to sustain his reputation as a 
 prophet by attributing the delay to the Fort Darling affair. EDS.] 
 
 NEAR NEW BRIDGE, YIBGHNNY, May 21, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MtrJcary : 
 
 Ginral Maclellin is a dissipul of Davy Crockett ; he never 
 bucks ahead till he sees his way clar ; but when he doos inoove, 
 sumthins got to suckum. I hope this time it will be Richruound, 
 and ef it hedent a ben for that thunderin blunderin bizness at 
 Fort Darling, we should probly hev carrid it afore now, by wot 
 the Californy blacklegs call a coo de grab. At the date of my 
 last letter, thar was evry aperience that we should hev it afore 
 the sixteent, the day sot apairt by Jeff Davis for a ginral humilia- 
 - shin of the rebels ; but Providence, witch apeers to play an open 
 and shet game with em, jest to aggravate their misfortens, thort 
 it best they should hev tAvo days of humiliashin insted of wun. 
 
 Our advance is now near New Bridge, about nine milds from 
 Richmound, and our cavalry pickets is closte enuff to hear thar 
 hosses nay. We onderstand that remittent fever is playin old 
 hob with em. Desarters report that from five to sicks hunderd 
 is taken down daily, and more'n hafe the army hes the shakes, 
 more or less. Thars considabul third day ager amung our 
 fellers too, and buckets of surfit of canine and whisky is past 
 throo the ranks twiste evry twenty-four hours, but the moment 
 the cold stage is over the invalids is as hot as ever for a fight. 
 
 This mornin I went on an errornotic trip with Mr. Low and 
 Kernil Stunman from this pint. We reeched an elevashin of five 
 hunderd feet, and hed a fine vewof all the feeters of the landskip. 
 Men, wiminen and children was running about the streets of 
 Richmound, aperiently in a panic, and but few troops was visa- 
 bel eggsept over the left near James River. 
 
 Ef wun could vote hisself a farm somewhars around in these 
 pairts, it wouldent be bad to take. Ef thars to be enny confis- 
 ticashin for the bennyfit of lyall heroes, I should rayther like to 
 hev Kernil Lee's White House farm, whar we hed our head- 
 kwarters a few days senst. Its jest about the purtiest spot this 
 side of pairodice. Two things reckymend it Ginral Washing- 
 ton spent the fust years of his marrid life thar and the land, 
 eenamost without any pains, will perdooce thirty barls corn to 
 the acher. Paytryotic recolleckshins and present profit both
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 151 
 
 reckymends it, and it peers to me to be jest the place for a Dis- 
 banded Volunteer to repose upon bis lorrils. I must tork over 
 the matter with my friend Abe. In the anshent fuddle times the 
 estates of traitors used to be bestode upon tyall men, and I guess, 
 as O Theller ses, Ive done the state some sarvice. Thars about 
 three hunclerd niggers belongin to the farm I onderstand, and I 
 wouldent mind carryiu out the ideer of gradjal mansipashin 
 in relashin to em, by garanteeing the freedom of thar grate 
 graudchildern as fast as they arrive at the age of eighty years. I 
 reely dont know ennything on airth more desirabul than a fine 
 plantashin on the Pawmonkey River, with two or three hunderd 
 likely "pussons held to labor " thrown in. I think I could do 
 better by em than sum of the longfaced saints in white chokers 
 as went to the Sea Islands about two munths ago to oversee the 
 plantin of cotton seed, but oney suckseeded in spilin the seed of 
 Ham. Pius yarns isent condoosive to the perduckshin of cotton 
 yarn it seems. 
 
 The Seecesh on the peninslur, findin it doosent pay to plant 
 torpedoes, witch thar own capterd offsirs and men hes to dig up 
 at the resk of thar valabul lives, hes taken to firm on flags of 
 trooce, as a saifter way of committin murder. Thar's j*3fc wun 
 way to stop these games, and that's hangin ; and Jf i^-ien't 
 resorted to, and that right away, our men will be apt whfejuar 
 accounts with the cowardly ruffins thar OAvn way. 
 
 I was with Ginral Stunman in the brush at Bottom's Bridga, 
 and a very purty foot race it was. Ive seen cousidabul running 
 in my day, but I never saw fellers mounted on setch misabu! 
 bosses make setch good time as they did acrost the Chicken- 
 hominy yestday ; yet I warn't supprised at it when I seen the 
 prisners we tuck. Setch onmassaful spurs as they bed onto em I 
 never seen outer Mexico. Thar arms was all sorts and sizes, but 
 thar warn't a pair of spurs amung em as wouldent hev gon thrco 
 the hide of an elefant. Wot they cheefly depend upon in batlel, 
 is thar spurs. The hull line advances to-day, so luck out for 
 great news about Saterday. Hopin for a fight, but fearin it'll 
 Le a fizzle, I remain, 
 
 1 oui-s allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. Lin. 
 
 [The old boy was undoubtedly in one of his queerest humora 
 when he indited the following letter. We particularly commend
 
 152 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 his remarks on the Banks affair to the attention of our readers. 
 It is the neatest bit of cynicism we have seen in many a day. 
 The compliment to the Secretary of War does no more than 
 justice to that distinguished functionary. EDS.] 
 
 BEFORE RICHMOUND, May 28, 18G2. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary . 
 
 Bowerygard hevin slipt up on the idee of watcrin his Busuffer- 
 less in the Tennessee, lies cum to skwench his thirst for glory 
 on the banks of the Chickenhominy. Desarters say he reeched 
 Richmound on Sunday from the Sow West with his brissels up 
 like a Texas porkerpine, and swore he'd ether light his Havan- 
 ner in our camp on Saterday night, or smoke a brimstuu regaly 
 with Belzebub in the Halls oi' Ilaidees. I ouderstand that prevus 
 to the war the Red Sulfur Springs in this State was his favorit 
 waterin-place, and I persoom in a future state he 11 be ackom- 
 idated at a Spaw whar the bevridgc is of the same flavcr, but 
 hotter and stronger, and whar thars heeps of black waiters in 
 constant attendance to giv visiters a horn. The probility is, the 
 old blastfeemer meens light for the mane boddy of the Corn- 
 feds now shows a horsteal frunt south of the city, and we larn 
 they air in high sperrits over the retreat of Banks into Merryland. 
 Onder these suckernstances, I luck for a collushin afore the 
 week's out, and we air all hopin for a high old time, witch may 
 cum oft' at enny moment. Ef we don't put em throo for the 
 massacree at Bull Run and the torpedoes at Yorktown, thars no 
 perswashin in saber bagnets. 
 
 In the intrim our Ginral, who, as you may hev heerd, is een- 
 amost wushipt by the army, is by no meens an idol man. On 
 Monday he put Ginral Porter at the head of a considabul boddy 
 of troops, and told him to go to Hanover, witch he dun, and, 
 arter a hevy skrimmidge, tuck the place. It was a big thing, 
 and you will eggscuse me for crowin over it. Our loss when 
 footed up will be a mere handful, as ushil ; but I kant state the 
 figgers, becase, altho inenny of the troops hes cum back, we hev 
 no returns. Our men dun well in the engagement, and the 
 wowuded hev ben dooin as well as could be eggspcctcd ever 
 senst. The fo left wun hunderd and nine men and a sutler 
 ded on the field, and, singlar to relate, they were all shot in the 
 eye with grape shot shov.'in the unerrin ackaracy of our artillty. 
 This I lied from an eye-witness, a remarkbly clear-sighted volun- 
 teer from the Buckeye State. 
 
 Our men berrid the enemee's ded in thar own riful-pits, witch
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 153 
 
 came handy arter the fateeg of slorter, and capterd five hunderd 
 head of seecesli alive. 
 
 The jography of Hanover, witch is the court-house town of 
 Hanover county, and contains six whiskey mills, two churches, 
 a constabul, seven squires, and a jail, besides about two hunderd 
 white trash, that no jenteel nigger will assoshiate with, is as 
 follers. It is right on the Richinound & Fredericksburg Rail- 
 road, mebbe twenty milds from Richrnound ; and so you see 
 while Ginral Maclellin is menassing Bowerygard's frunt, he hcs 
 also opened a fire in his rare This, I bleve, is what he sposed 
 Ginral Macdoill was to do ; but it seems that wunderful milen- 
 lary cheeftin, who hes ben pickin his teeth and jinglin his spurs 
 in the neyberhood of Fallniouth for the Lord nose how long, hes 
 suddently ben ordered on a fool's errant to Manasses, arter Jack- 
 son. He's a sprisin man* is Ginral Macdoill. Settin aside 
 Siezer, Hanna Bull, and Haveluck, he is eggsheld by few, and 
 eggseeded by nun.. His former masteerly retreet from Manasses 
 fully entitles him, I should say, to be sent thar agen. 
 
 Wot do you think of the Banks aff'are ?. We regaird it here as 
 an amazin peace of strategy. A trap peers to hev ben sot for 
 the rebels, and Banks and his five thousand left for bait. Jack- 
 son, the poor ignarunt old rat, walked inter the snare, tooth and 
 toe-nail, and ef he happens to git off with a claw this time, in 
 coarse we must do as the old wumman did when she used her 
 husband's boddy for eel-bait try for anuther liaul. Boddies of 
 men is of no consekens when the objeck of leavin em to be 
 butchered is preyswurthy. The eend sankshins the meens. I 
 trust, tharfore, that the reck of Bankses brigade do.osent consider 
 thar cumraids was recklessly sacrifised at Fnmt Ryal, Winches- 
 ter, and cetery ; and that no wun is so inhuman as to blame the 
 cam, considerate, high-minded, far-seein, libral, perfound, curt- 
 shus, and desarvedly poplar Seckatry of War. The hull army 
 of the Potomac considers him a nincumpairable publick offsir, 
 and altho sartain editors hcs thort fit to call him a bag of wind, 
 he is reely a man of grate saygassity. 
 
 Senst the abuv parrygraft was rit, informashin hes ben receved 
 in camp that Ginral Freemount is to re-enforce Banks, witch will 
 leeve the Mountin Deestrick at the marcy of the gorillas. But 
 the cuttin of a hunderd or two Union throats, more or less, is 
 naterally a seckindary considerashin to ketchin Jackson. They'll 
 hev him, mark my wurds, jest as shoor as Paddy capterd the 
 flee. 
 
 I notis thars considabul sed in the New York papers you sent 
 7*
 
 154 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 me about Union sentiment in Virginny. But we don't see it. 
 Ef it eggsists in these parts, the people lies a high old talent for 
 dissimerlashin They wun and all greet us with the kinder 
 epithets ushilly applied to the skum of the airth, and nuthiu but 
 purseual considerashius pervents the wiminen frorri runnin thar 
 sissors inter us. I wunst was tuck prisner by the Cummanchy 
 Injuns, and I must say thar squors treeted me with more perlite- 
 ne3s than the ladies of the Fust Famalees shows to our sojers. 
 They don't say mutch, but they spit with rernarkabul force and 
 ackaracy, and no longer ago than yestday a Massachoosets man 
 who offerd his cheek to a volunteer saloot from one of em, hed 
 the peace tuck out as clean as ef it hed ben dun with a gouge. 
 Ef that's Union feelin, I ken oney say Ive no wish to put ray 
 mousetushes in setch a persishin as to procure me a simildar 
 token of regaird. 
 
 Ankshusly awaitin victry or deth, but preferrin victry, I 
 remane, with my sole in arms, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LIV. 
 
 [The last fearful battle near Richmond seems to have been 
 almost too much for the iron nerves of the gallant old soldier. 
 We do not wonder that the ride over the fatal field on Monday 
 made him heartsick. EDS.] 
 
 IN FRUNT OF RICHMOTJND, June 4, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday NerTcary : 
 
 As youre awar I was at the battel of Inkerman and also seen 
 the famus charge of that impetyus British trump Lord Cardgain 
 at Blacklaver, but the fightin in these diggins last Saterday and 
 Sunday was sumthin to holler on even arter witnessin the rushin 
 work in the Crynieah. Saterday the rebels druv us for a wile, 
 thars no denyin that ; but by Genesis ! it was oney by the force 
 of numbers. About twenty-five thousand of em pitcht onegg- 
 specktedly inter Ginral Caseys Brigade in the midst of setch a 
 storm as no rayshinall beins wuld hev thort of facin without injy 
 rubber overcoats and nmbrellers. It litened to that degree that 
 youd hev sposed the biggest fool on airth would hev beu struck 
 with the danger of carryin a mttsket ; but, regairdless of the
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 155 
 
 legtrick flewicl, they thunderd down upon our advance like u 
 buiTycain. Qinral Caseys Brigade receved the fust shock. 
 Drencht with rain, they was standin shiverin in a corn feelcl 
 Avhen they suddenly found thai-selves atwixt three tires. Thar 
 persishin was singlarly pictoresk, bein purty mutch sirroimded 
 with woods, and altogether a nice seekwesterd spot for a pick- 
 nick party. Ef the eneinee hedent misfortinately got inter the 
 timber in frunt of em, and on both flanks, they mought hev held 
 the fo at a ded lock sum time, but as it was they bolted. They 
 retreted in order sum ses in good order, but accordin to the 
 best int'ormashin I ken git, it was in short order. Menny of our 
 offsirs allows that a feeld with woods on three sides of it isent 
 an overly saift place in a milentary pint of view, onless the 
 woods is ockapied as well as the open, but in coarse when men 
 meets with a reverse, evryboddy ken see how it mought hev 
 ben vicey versey. 
 
 I was with Ginral Maclellin when the noose of the attact was 
 brort to head kwarters, and as ushil on setch ockashins, the egg- 
 stent of the disaster in frunt was falsely stated by the fudgetives. 
 
 But it made no more impreshin onto him than the firy bolts 
 did onto A Jacks. He at wunst sent two brigaids by the cars to 
 the van, and the fresh troops goin in with cheers sun turnt the 
 tables. The battel continyin with onabaited fury, the steam was 
 kept up and other boddies dispatched from time to tim, ontil 
 Night hysted her star-spangled banner over the cumbertents, 
 and the work of deth was suspended. When they could no 
 longer see to shoot, both sides laid down on thar arms and tried 
 to refresh tharselves with a littel sleep prevus to meetin on 
 Sunday. 
 
 At daylight on the blessed Sabbath long afore you city fokes 
 had begun to dress for church we dressed our ranks and went 
 in. It was Unkel Sam's turn now, and we made old seecesh see 
 stars. Hindsellman raked em fore and aft with his artillry and 
 musketry, and Sedgewick and Richardson gin em pertickler fits. 
 As sun as our men got the enemee outer the woods inter the 
 opes, whar they hed full skoop for the bagnet, they gin em the 
 cold iron. The Sutherners dont peer to keer a chaw of tobacker 
 for bullits, but they wont stand spittin. When they see the 
 shinin steel cummin at thar brests, they loose hart, and run like 
 deers for deer life. But runnin dident save em this time, lor 
 they was run throo by lumderds. Four hunderd is sed to b-v 
 ben wiped out by the bagnet alone. I counted more'n a inndord 
 myself in one peace of swompy ground, and at least fifty of em
 
 1 
 
 156 WAK LETTERS OF 
 
 was speered throo the back. It was an orfnl sight, and I wisht 
 that sum of youre New York blud-and-thunder kwill-drivers as 
 prefers slorter to circumvenshin, could jest hev rode over the 
 battel-feeld with me last Monday mornin, and seen the glassy 
 eyes and pale upturnt faces that bore silent witness agen war, 
 wile the green airth was wet with dirnond doos, and the birds 
 was singin hims of peace among the bushes whar menny of the 
 wounded hed crawld away to die. 
 
 The victry was cumpleat ; but I dessay sum of your pen-and- 
 ink Ginrals, as sets in thar editorial sanktums and plans onpossa- 
 Mlities, will take thar tex from Caseys discumforture and say 
 " the Army of the Potomac was defeted." 
 
 I warent mutch in this last battel, hevin ben prencepally 
 emploid doorin both days in carryin orders from the cumrnanclin 
 Ginral to the different corpses to moove forrard or full back, as 
 ockashin reckwired. This, howsever, is a critterkill kinder 
 sarvice as you may siimise from the fack that I hed six hcsses 
 shot onder me ; and wunst, wile lyin on the ground, a hoss shot 
 over me, strikin a pistil I hed razed to plug him, with his flyin 
 heels. Wot is most extrornary, the kick dischargcl the pistil 
 and the ball strikin the animil in a vital spot kild him instantly. 
 In takin an order to Ginral Hindsellman I hed to ride throo a 
 cross fire of grape and riful balls of a most eggsilin nater, door- 
 ing witch three bullits passed throo my iiiilentary flapjack and 
 wun ludged in my stop-watch, and I found on resortin to my 
 terbacker-box for a chaw, arter gettin outer range, a fil't hed per- 
 petrated the lid and lodged in the Cavindish. I hev sent the 
 box with the bullit and the terbacker inter it to Fortress Monroe 
 to be forrarded to the SUNDAY MERKARY offiz, and I wish you 
 to sho it to all inkwirin frends as a pruff that the old sojer dident 
 srink from dooty in the face of danger. 
 
 Our advance line is now right in frunt of the intrenchments 
 at Bichmound, and not more n three miles from Jetf Davises 
 House. 
 
 If Richmound is tuck I shall get a furlo and go to Wash- 
 ington to recrute I mean to recrute my sperrits, for wot 
 with seens of carnedge by day and dreemin of em at night, Ime 
 gettin to be wot the docters calls a hippocorndrake. 
 
 I larn to-day that our gunboats is wuust more asendin the 
 James and that the grand attact on the enemee is to cum olf 
 within a week. Hopin that it will hev a loKnit issoo I remain, 
 reddy for Glory or the Grave, 
 
 Yours alias, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEU. 157 
 
 No. LV. 
 
 [Our venerable military friend is somewhat in the didactic 
 vein, the lull which has succeeded the stormy battle of Fair 
 Oaks not furnishing much opportunity for dramatic description. 
 His letter is, nevertheless, a quaint and interesting one, and 
 Strongly marked with the peculiarities of style which have ren- 
 dered his correspondence so generally popular. EDS.] 
 
 BEFOKE RICHMODND, June 9, 1SG2. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlc&ry : 
 
 Senst the battel of Fair Oaks (or Fair Hoax as wun of our line 
 offsirs of the British perswashin calls it) things hes remaned 
 Btashinary, with few adventers to relate wuth pen ink and paper. 
 Fact is, both sides was so all-slorterusly cut up in that sangwin- 
 ary struggel that all hands felt inklined to paws for a spell, 
 prevus to atlemptin enny new feet of arms. The hull affair was 
 as like the two days shindy at Shylow, as wun little nigger is 
 like its bruther. The rebels dun a purty good six hours wurk 
 on Saterday, and we paid em off. and sumthin over by way of 
 advance, on Sundaj'. Mutch, howsever, depends upon the 
 Seckatry of War. If that extrornary institooshin orders up the 
 nessary re -enforcements, the seecesh army will be deleted and 
 disburst ; but ef, on tuther hand, he refewses the the reckwired 
 suckers, we may find it onpossabul to git perssesshin of their 
 formadouble brestwurks, ockapied as they air by the cream of 
 the Sutbern infantry. Its all very well for nooscpaper curry- 
 spondents to poke fun at the shabby aperience of the enemee, 
 but it doosent foller bekase a sojcr is drest in butternuts that he's 
 a milksop, and I ken tell you the hard luckin cusses fight jest as 
 hard as they luck. More over they outnumber us in the prepor- 
 shin of more'n three to two, and ef the spasmudic Head of the 
 War Department wishes to avide bein tuck with anuther panicky 
 pericksism like that he hed when he rit to the Guvner of Massa- 
 chusets for help, he'd better make shoor of a Union victry by 
 puttin fresh troops on the rout without delay. Report ses that 
 the Seckatry was orfully shagreened at the way merry Andrews 
 larfed at him about the Banks fieaskoh ; so prehaps he'll steer 
 clar of simildar Tomfooleries in luter. He nose wot would make 
 Ginral Maclellin's sucksess sartin. Will he do it? A'ose -eer- 
 rons, we shall see, as they say in Payris. 
 
 Wen the losses on both sides at the battel of Fair Oaks cums
 
 158 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 to be figgered out ef they ever air I predicate they will foot 
 up a totil of not less'n sixteen thousand, witch is about wun 
 thousand niore'n the French and Ostreans lost at the famus fight 
 of Mayrungo, whar Bonypart licked Ginral Melasses army too 
 de sweet, as he eggsprest it. Richniound papers confesses to ten 
 thousand on thar side and its well-known here that we hed over 
 six thousand wiped out, wownded and captivated, besides 
 loosin seventeen guns, of witch, howsever, nine was retuck tords 
 the tail-eend of the shindy. It was ondoubtedly a Union try- 
 ump, bekase the rebels faled in their objeck, but it was deer 
 bought, and cum thundering near proovin an orful sell. 
 
 All the divishuns of Ginral Maclellin's army is now acrost 
 the Chickenhorniny, witch at present is a neverlaunch of foemin 
 waters, in consekens of the late inondashun. The Army of the 
 Potomac must take no steps backards, ses the cummandin 
 Ginral, and I can oney say that if it skedaddles onder present 
 suckemstances, its likely to sheer the fate of the Duck of Clar- 
 ence, in the play, and git drownded in the drink. 
 
 Casey's divishin witch cum so near bein a case in the late en- 
 gagement, is quitted of all blame for quittin the feeld in con- 
 fushin. Few of the human race would hev dun utherwise. 
 The outside presshur was equil to five to wun, and ef that isent 
 a suflishent resin for caving in, then a man wouldent be jestified 
 in jumpin oif a high presshur Mussysippi steamboat, when he 
 sor the firemen rollen barls of pitch inter the furness, and the 
 enginear settin astride on the saifty valve makin his last will and 
 testyment. The brigaid was put in advance to feel the enernee, 
 and hevin felt of em and findin em too hevvy to handel, they let 
 go suddently and fell back. " Setch things is common," as 
 Hamlet s unkel remarks in the tradegy, jest afore he pledges the 
 yung prence in the flowin bole. But thar '11 be no more of these 
 affairs, bekase why, the divishins is all within close sportin dis- 
 tans of wun anuther, and detatched boddies wont hev to fight 
 for hours onsupported, on thar own hooks, as Hooker did at 
 Williamsbug and Casey would hev dun at Fair Oaks, ef his 
 troops hedent marveld to the rare. 
 
 Our line of pickets is now so closte to the enemee's that both 
 hes to play possum all they no, and with all thar injun tricks to 
 git a saift shot at won anuther, ten or a duzzin is put throo on 
 thar side and about hafe as menny on ourn, evry twenty-four 
 hours. Skriminidging is also goin on purty mutch all the time 
 atwixt the mounted reckonnoiterors, and last night twenty-five 
 of thar light dragoons rode inter wun of our advance camps in
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 159 
 
 the dark, by mistake, and bein hemmed in, it is needles to say 
 they was sewed up in short order. In coarse, these promiscuss 
 brushes must eend in the mane boddies gettin inter each others 
 har afore long, and nex time tharll be no let up ontil wun side 
 or tuther is a goner. 
 
 Two balloons was up to-day, and brort down informashin that 
 at least forty thousand seecesh is onder arms within a mild and 
 a hafe of our outposts, and that many of the ridgments peered 
 to be corned and a salting wun anuther. Desarters also ses that 
 things ginrally is in an orful pickel in the rebel camp, and that 
 the sojers is clamrus for thai- back pay, and grately soured by the 
 treatment they hev receved from the Cornfedrit guverment. 
 These stories may be on the squar, but its jest as likely thars no 
 more solid foundashin for em than there is bottom to the iufarnal 
 pit. I remane, with firy ardor, 
 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. LVL. 
 
 [In the absence of stirring incidents, our venerable military 
 correspondent sends some interesting intelligence from Rich- 
 mond, furnished by refugees from that city. He does not guar- 
 anty its accuracy. The Disbanded seems to suppose that 
 McClellan will be attacked before he has completed his arrange- 
 ments for taking Richmond according to Jomini. We think it 
 quite likely. The ignorant and stolid rebels have no respect for 
 military science. EDS.] 
 
 NEW BRIDGE NEAR RICHMOITND, June 19, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Spades is trumps. The shuvvel's mityer'n the swoord. In 
 planer words, Ginral Maclellin is droring lines of circumvalua- 
 shin around Richmound and infestin it accordin to the rules of 
 war. The seecesh Army onder Ginral Lee heving ben trenien- 
 jusly increast lately, this seems to be' the saiftest way of redoociu 
 it. Consekently we air advancin by reglar approaches and the 
 sojers emplied in constructin the pairallels finds it rayther hard 
 lines. The heat is so intens that the men in the wurkin parties 
 drap down by duzzens. But regairdless of the firy suns of the
 
 160 . WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 South, our brave fellers continny thar prodigus efforts and air 
 gradjally liedgin in the fo with milentary ditches and uther 
 wurks of afence. Laborin in the bowels of the airth perdooces 
 menny vialent disinteric cumplaints, but thars no grumblin; 
 evry volunteer bein desirus of dooin his utmost to eend this 
 liorrabul intestin struggel. 
 
 Onless we air attacted you needent luck for enny smashin 
 wurk in these diggins for sum time, tho thars more or less shell- 
 ing on both sides evry day, jest to keep the ball in moshin. The 
 sege guns as carries the hunderd pound slugs ken ouey travel at 
 a snails pace throo the orful slows in our rare, and ontil they air 
 all mounted no attemp will be made to mount the enemee. In 
 the meantime our cavalry is scourin the kentry, and makin a 
 clean sweep over the gorrillas in the Pawmonkey Swamps. 
 Yestday Kernil Averill seezed a lot of bosses in the neybrood of 
 Metapony Creek, also cuttin off severall waggins that the rebels 
 was too much in a hurry to wait for, besides ketchin rnore'n 
 twenty seecesh simperthisers as bed bed a jolly time givin infor- 
 mashin to Jackson s fillybusterin troopers, but is at present larf- 
 ing on the rong side of their mouths. They hev ben put in 
 irons for sheerin in the rebel steelins. 
 
 Three Union refewgeese from Richmound, who bed suck- 
 seeded in alludin the enemees sentnells, disgjiysed as contra- 
 bands, in curled hoss-hair and lam black a dark night faverin 
 thar eskape arrove in our camp this mornin at daybrake. 
 They broke outer Castil Godwin, whar they wur lyin onder 
 sentens of deth, and thar noose, if correct, is of the hyst interest. 
 The hull tail would be too long for your collumes, but the fol- 
 lerin is a few particklers of thar narrativ : 
 
 In the subbubs of Richmound the rebels hev a hunderd and 
 ninety-nine thousand men more or less. Thar air sum green 
 recrutes, but upon the hole the men air all well drilled. Gus- 
 tarvus Smith, the New York gutter-skraper lies charge of the 
 provishin depoes, and by his advice the raw cornfederit con- 
 skrips is used prencepally in the cookin department. Long- 
 street's divishin is practisin the manover of forrnin in solid 
 squar. This is the same Longstreet as was sent to the West with 
 orders to stop all the avenoos of comrnunicashin with our Lane. 
 Smith and Longstreet doosent agree. Smith ses Longstreet 
 orter hev swept Casey and Couch from the feeld, at the battel of 
 Fair Oaks, and Longstreet allows that the oney sweepin charge 
 ever made by Gustarvus was agen the corporashin of New 
 York. Ginral Early 's divishin is the latest milentary arrival at
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 161 
 
 the cornfedrit capital. A large majority of the peeple of Rich- 
 mound is furious Unionists, but keep dark for fear of gettin, 
 hung by the Seecesh minority. The purceedins of the niggers 
 is a nigma to evryboddy, but they air around in alarmin num- 
 bers, and a black cloud seems to be impendin over the devoted 
 city. The place is not onhealthy, but the populashin is getting 
 thinner evry day in consekeus of the drafts. The jails air full 
 of poll}' tickle prisners, who air fired at whenever they cum to 
 the bars of thar cells, witch, in coarse, is gratin to thar felines. 
 They air hafe starved, and all thar petishins for better fare oney 
 illicit an eggative from the sentnels placed at thar doors by the 
 provost marshal Winder, an oifsir with a forbiddin mouth and 
 repulsiv Roman noes. Randolf, the seecesh Seckatry of War, 
 was formally a misabul shyster about the Richmound courts, 
 and is a harder Christian than his predecessor Jew Benjiman. 
 JeiF Davis lucks orful pail. Menny thinks he will sun kick the 
 bucket. He wtfres a long shabby sirtoot that was his weddin 
 coat when he marred Ginral Tailor's darter. His har is iron 
 gray, and his hat, witch is of the tallest stove-pipe pattern, is 
 disgracefully rusty. Felin that he is brandied with etarnal 
 infamy he lies recently taken to drink. Report ses he is a pray 
 to remorse, and sumtimes weeps all night long, witch ackounts 
 for the catarack in wun of his eyes. Mrs. Jeff, who is a buck- 
 sum lady, takes things more filasofacoolly. She drives throo 
 the streets with a pair of fast bays, in a splendid bayrush, evry 
 arternoon, and is got up with white and red cockaids in gorgeus 
 stile. Most of the stores is closed ; both the stock and the pro- 
 priators hevin ben propriated for the use of the guverment. 
 The rebel wimmin ginrally is ongodly sassy. They hev small 
 speciments of the American flag nailed to all thar door-mats, for 
 the conveenyance of wipin thar feet and spittin on the Star- 
 Spangled Banner evry time they enter thar housen. They also 
 assembul in large numbers daily in frunt of the jail, and spit at 
 the Union prisners throo the bars. Thars wun set as calls thar- 
 selves the pro-slavery Amazons, who subscribes a five-cent shin- 
 plaster a peece at evry meetin, and the member as spits with the 
 greatest ackaracy takes the pool. They hev named this pleasin 
 divershin Eggspectorashin Loo. No licker ken be had any whars 
 but at Guvner Letcher's, whose black boddy-sarvant brings him 
 six gals of the best Mungoheeler brand from public store evry 
 twenty-four hours. Consekens is that his levies is attended by 
 throngs of the eleet. Daniels of the Eggsaminer gives him a 
 punch now and then, but that is oney bekase he is not invited to
 
 162 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 pardizzypate in the whisky. Hevy cases, sposed to contain 
 gold, is frekwently sent South by the rebel leaders on varus 
 speeshus pertences. They air directed to Tuskalooser, Alabam, 
 witch indooses menny to spose that thar jaw about conkerin or 
 dyin at Richmound is all a lie. ' : 
 
 The abuv items, coppid from my manyrandom buck, is jest as 
 they fell from the lips of the refewgeese. You ken bleeve as 
 mutch of em as youre a mine to, or as littel. The fudgetives 
 hevin ben in close confinement for four munths, its wunderful 
 how they pict up thar informashin ; but far be it from me to 
 accuse the poor beggars of wilful mendicity. 
 
 Ginral Prim visited our camp last week, and I was present at 
 his intervew with Ginral Maclellin. He sed our troops was 
 fully ekwill to the high-soled Spanish sojers as leathered the 
 Moroccoes, and complimented the ginral on makin his approaches 
 accordin to the rules laid down by Jo Minie. 
 
 Ef the rebels wait till our pairallels is completed, we'll bag 
 em shure ; and ef, on tuther hand, they hev the onpairalleled 
 asshurance to pitch inter us afore were reddy, they'll run agen a 
 snag. Awaitin the issoo with the most sangwinary hops of 
 sucksess, I remain, ondawntedly, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. LVII. 
 
 [The great fight before Richmond, our correspondent thinks, 
 is close at hand, and his spirits rise with the prospect of an 
 immediate combat. We invite attention to the diagram showing 
 the positions of the two armies. If correct, the rebels are " out- 
 flanked", and in imminent danger of being "crushed". 
 
 IN FRUNT OF RICEMOUND, June 25, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Matters in this kwarter air rapidly drawin to a head brushes 
 is gettin more lively and frekwent, and onless the rebels skratch 
 dirt mity kwick, we shell comb thar liar afore the cumin Forth. 
 Evry day brings us a little nearder thar lines, and enabuls us to 
 form a better estimit of the strenth of thar collumes. 
 
 Jest as sun as Ginral Maclellin gits all his big Parrots up and 
 his magazeens reddy, he will attact the rebel wurks without
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 163 
 
 further preeface. In the meantime reenforcements are daylie 
 arrivin, and the Ginral-in-Cheef thinks we hev kwite as menny 
 Helpers as the Crisis rekwires. Ses I to him no longer ago then 
 last Sunday : 
 
 " Ginral, ef you oney hed all them Nuthern melishy whoos 
 offers of sarvice Seckatry Stanton was deef to becase they 
 declined to list for three 'ears, wot everlastin short wurk you'd 
 make with Lee, Longstreet and Co." 
 
 " My brave and venabul frend," he replide, returnin my 
 respectful saloot with his ushil curtsey, " sperrit makes good the 
 want of numbers. Did you ever read Henry the Fift's stump 
 speech to his army afore the famus battle of A Gin Court, whar 
 the Constabul of France was killed ?" 
 
 " Never," ses I. 
 
 " Wai," ses he, " He kwote you a passidge." And openin a vol- 
 lum as lay on the camp table beside him, he red as follers : 
 
 " 'If we air marked to die, we air enuff 
 To do our kentry loss ; and ef to live, 
 The fewer men, the grater sheer of honor.' 
 
 That's Shakespere," he remarkt, shuttin the buck, " and tTiaVs 
 me !" 
 
 " Bully for you," ses Kaymond of the Times, who enterd the 
 tent at that moment, " you put me in mind of my grate annsis- 
 ter, Raymond of Tooloose, who figgerd in the Holy Land by 
 Jeroosalum !" 
 
 It isent offen the eddytur-in-cheef of the Times gives way to 
 setch abolishins of enthoosiasum ; for, like the Ginral-in-Cheef 
 of the Army, he's remarkbly moddest and onassoomin ; so much 
 so that, altho he wunst headed a sucksessful and sellybrated 
 retreet in Italy, he rarly boasts of his milentary eggsperience. 
 
 We hev hed sum sharp fitin to-day on our left, whar the 
 enemee for sum time past hes ben pickin off our pickits purty 
 noomerusly. Seecesh was spunky, and it was a ded lock for a 
 wile, but finerly we carrid the key to wun of thar persishins. 
 Thar was also a lively artillry dooil on the right, it which the 
 rebel battrees got fits from Fits John Porter. It is the univarsal 
 opinyun in camp that this skrimmidging may or may not proove 
 the imrnejut prelimindary to a ginral engagement. We hev 
 gained considabul ground to-day, and the rebels may try to 
 re-ockapy it to-morrow. Ef they do, thar'll be a shindy ekwill 
 to Sulphurino. I oughter menshin, as wun of the sines of an 
 approachin battle, that a gang of Congressmen as hed cum to 
 head-kwarters to pick up a few idees for bunkum speeches on
 
 164 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 the conduck of the war, skedaddled ycstday like a flock of 
 harang-otangs when they smell a tiger in the jungel. I reckin 
 its party saiffc to profcsy that the grand conflick will cum off 
 within ten days. Seems to me thar must be ether a fight or a 
 foot race twixt this and Independence. In the meantime, you 
 ken form a graffic idee of the relative persishins of the two 
 armies from the follerin ackarit diegram, witch I obtaned from a 
 very civil engineer. I eggspeck the milentary censer will go 
 inter asterisks wen he sees it, but arter he curns too he 11 prehaps 
 see that it isent desined to designate our desines to the eneinee, 
 and so let it slide. The upper seckshin of the plan repersents 
 the persishin of the Nuthern heroes musterd in arms under the 
 spangled flag, and tuther that of the Suthern Neroes standin in 
 alarm under thar mangled rag : 
 
 *##*****## x-x 
 *#*****************;<************ 
 
 Slowly but surely, ef nuthin occurs to spile the strutegic 
 moovenient, the upper seckshin will close in from the jint, like 
 a pair of callipers, ontil the two eends meet and the rebel crowd 
 is druv inter a promiscus heep, and completely enwollopt and 
 cut off. This is a strikin improovement on the oridginal sarpen- 
 tine plan, and it is thort will anser to a T. Ef the fo chuses to 
 attact, so mutch the wuss for them, becase then the strutegic 
 masheen will close suddently with a snap, and the skweedge 
 will be still more fatil. It is not onpossabul that the last men- 
 shint catastropy may happen within forty-eight hours, and that 
 you may larn the trap lies ben sprung, by the wires, afore you 
 git this missiff by the post. 
 
 Desarters continnes to cum inter our lines at the rate of forty to 
 sixty a day, and ef theyre to be bleved mind, I say ef theyre 
 to be bleved the Richmounders is in a blamed poor way. The 
 lucksheries of life in that volupshus city consists of half rashins 
 of corn-dodgers and wurmy pork ; and sum of the F. F. V.'s 
 indulges on Sundays in weevely hominy and salt fish. I reckin 
 that part is troo, for a more lantern-jawed, herrin-gutted, grub- 
 forsakin, short-allowance-luckin set of ragged castaways was 
 never taken off a raff at sea, arter the oridginal number hed ben 
 redooced wun hate by cannabullism. As to takin the oath, 
 they'd swar a legions to Bellzcbub for a bellyfull of beef and a horn 
 of red-eye. They state that the peaceabul citysins is offerin fifty 
 dollars a peace for substiloots, and that most of em turns out bad
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 165 
 
 eggs and skedaddles at the first opportoonity. They say also as 
 the rebel ginrals encurridges the men to fight by tellin em thars 
 plenty to eat and drink in the Union camps, and that thar desput 
 charges is not caused so mutch by seckshinal hatred as feroshus 
 hunger. Sum may larf at this, but for my pairt Ide rayther 
 meet a i'eller in battle that hed a bone to pick with me polly- 
 tickally, then a chap as wanted to be inter my meat house becase 
 he thort the way to dinner was over my ded boddy. Famish- 
 in retches would as leve hev thar goose cooked wun way as 
 anuther. 
 
 THURSDAY, June 26. 
 
 This mornin I rode over the seen of yestday's runcounter. 
 We druv the enemee over three hunderd yards, and our advance 
 is now outer the saft swomp and tangled underbrush on solid 
 terror firmer. Our loss is about twenty-five killed and rnebbe 
 about two hunderd wownded, be the same more or less probly 
 more. All is perfeckly kwiet at present, but the hull army will 
 sleep to-night with wun eye open. Blevin that Seecesh is in 
 airnest this time, and that a momentuous conflick may cummence 
 at enny hour, I remane, with the steam up, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LVm. 
 
 [Under the depressing influences of disaster and defeat, our 
 veteran correspondent is less vivacious than is his wont. Never- 
 theless, he is stout of heart and hopeful. So must we all be. 
 There is no such word as fail in the vocabulary of true men 
 engaged in a righteous cause. EDS.] 
 
 NEAR TURKEYBEND, July 1, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of tlie Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The issoo of five days of the most sevagarus fighten that ever 
 tuck place in this hemispear may be skweeged inter three words. 
 We air wJiipt. Its hard to say, and harder to bare, but we hev 
 met the enemy and ben kompelled to turn back. The malishus 
 fo will swar that we fled in dismay ; the dispatches to the Guv- 
 erinent will claim that we retreated in good order. Make a gin- 
 ral avridge of the two stories, and you will be as near the trootli 
 as a noosepaper ken eggspect to git in these mendashus times.
 
 166 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Abuv all, don't place enny faith in the curryspondence of the 
 daylie press, for to my sartain nolledgemost of the quill-drivers 
 for the New York jernils is, and hes ben ever senst Thursday 
 last, in a mental condishin witch holy incapassitates them from 
 collectin thar idees, and ef tlie colleckshin was made, it would 
 be about as much like the facks of the case as a last years skare- 
 crow is like the statoo of Ginral Jackson at Washington. As to 
 the detales, it would take a vollum of your valabul paper to give 
 em in full, or even hale full but I will say this, that senst grit 
 was developt in the human faminaly, it never was more con- 
 spickusly displaid than it hes ben by the army of the Potomac, 
 doorin its advance backards under the preshure of sooperior num- 
 bers, from the Chickeuhominy to Turkey bend. We hev probly 
 lost ten or twelve thousand men, and mebbe thirty or forty can- 
 non, big and littel, but we air now saift on the banks of James 
 River, whar the broadsides of more'n a duzzen gunboats will 
 assist in layin the seecesh flat on their backs ef they renoo the 
 attact. We mowed em down for two hours yestday arternoon, 
 in reglar swaths, and I dont bleve they'll try it on agen on a 
 suddent. 
 
 The carnidge in both armies doorin the six days conflick has 
 ben prodijus, but I bleve that fur every two Union men wiped 
 out about three rebels hes been squelched. They gin us volly 
 for volly, and more too, but our aim was the best, and we hed the 
 biggest lump to fire at, consekently the heft of the slorterus 
 reciprossity was on our side. 
 
 The hull avalabul force onder Ginral Maclellin at the beginnin 
 of the fight, was rayther less than ninety thousand men, while 
 the rebels hed full a hundred and fifty thousand, and Ginral 
 Stunwall Jackson arterwards rushed in with forty thousand 
 more. He's a smart man, is Stunwall eenamost as remarkabul 
 as a skillful sojer as Freemount is as a nincumpoop and that's 
 payin him a high complement. In coarse we eggspected his 
 case would be attended to by the Shunandoor Ginrals, but they 
 patterned their tacktricks arter Ginral Patterson, when he was 
 orderd to pitch inter Johnston, and the consekens was that Jack- 
 son cum down upon vis jest in the nick of time, as Johnston did 
 on Macdoill at Bull Run. 
 
 I spose the same wuuderful saygasity as weakened Bankses 
 army when Jackson was re-enforced, hes afforded this ruff and 
 redcly rebel this new opportunity to destingwish hisself at our 
 eggspense. Westurn Virginny is said to be the Seckatry of 
 War's pet milentary deestrick, his speshil manoverin ground ;
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 167 
 
 and I trust when the histry of that immens statesman, accom- 
 plisht sojer, and imminent telygraft operator is ritteu, his bril- 
 yant sarvices to his kentry in that rejin will receive doo honor. 
 Ef I was good at panijerk, I wouldn t mind pronouncin a ulow- 
 jim on him in advance ; but Irne afeard it wouldn't be appre- 
 shiated by the awjence by which I am at present sirrounded. 
 Indeed, the probility is that if I was to venter the eggsperiment, 
 I should be linched by the foot-soar, powdcr-siled, bleedin, groan- 
 in thousands who hev jest ben ordered to prepair for anuther 
 retreat of ten milds, from Turkey bend to Harrassin's Bar. Setch 
 is prejewdice. My cuinraids, wun and all, bleve that Seckatry 
 Stanton is at the bottom of all thar misfortins, and responsabul 
 for thar discurnforture. A minister in Japan, under a sirnildar 
 cloud, would whip out his swoord and hurry-skurry hisself at 
 wunst the idee in Japan bein that when an offlshal is thort to 
 hev made a stab, axedental or otherwise, at the vitals of the 
 State, he is bound to insert a few inches of cold iron inter his 
 own. But in this kentry thars a more massy ful way of gettin 
 outer the diffikulty. An onpoplar minister may resign or he 
 may be kickt outer offis inter everlastin obskewrity. Prehaps ef 
 the illustrus head of the War Department was to take the former 
 method of retirin on his lorils, it mought be satisfactory to an 
 ongrateful kentry. Republicks is setch thankless consarns that 
 I shouldent be sprised ef three-forths of the comnioonity would 
 rejice at setch a catastrofy. Sumwhars in profane history, I 
 reckin it must hev ben in Pluto's lives, Ive red of a feller of the 
 name of Arestidees, who was banishd bekase peeple was tired of 
 heerin him crackt up for his honesty. Possably the Seckatry of 
 War's feller citysins is tired of heerin him crackt up for his 
 energee and cetery, who nose ? Arestidees was tride by ginral 
 eleckshin with oyster shells for ballots, and the verdick was 
 " skedaddle", witch he dun. I wunder wether Seckatry Stanton 
 wouldn't be shelled out of the kentiy ef he was put to vote in the 
 same way. 
 
 To morrer, or prehaps this arternoon, we shall start for Har- 
 rassin Bar, and eggspeck to be harrasst by the rebels on our 
 retreat, bat we shall keep along the bank of the river, pairtly 
 onder the proteckshin of our gunboats, and the conuuanclin 
 ginral thinks that if we air attact we ken hold our own. Yes- 
 terday arteruoon we gin em fits at this pint, drivin em like sheep 
 and takin a hull raff of em prisners. Sum say Ginral Magruder 
 is among em, but I hevent seen him yet. As you air awar, I cum 
 thundcrin near bag-gin him wunst myself, but his drunken luck
 
 168 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 saved him. Hopin we shell sun receeve re-enforcements, and be 
 agen in a condishin for a forrard moovruent, I remain, sin- 
 cerely but savagely, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LIX. 
 
 [The following letter from the soldier-satirist is in his best 
 vein. EDS.] 
 
 HARRASSIN BAR, JAMES RIVER, July 9, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Considerin the way this army was pitcht inter doorin the late 
 ripstavin fights, it recooperates arnazin rapid. Bein posted on 
 risin ground, we air abuv the reach of myasmatic inflewences. 
 In the onhelthy wilderness from witch we hev eskaped, the men 
 sufferd with agar, for it rekwired the constistooshin of a hoss to 
 stand the moreasses ; but in our present cool and deliteful sum- 
 mer retreat, the sick and wownded is progressin favorably, and 
 I larn from the docters that thars but few deths from deceases of 
 the liver. Prehaps this is owin, in part, to change of treatment, 
 as no blue pills hes ben administerd to the troops for sum days 
 past. Nothwithstandin our losses, it was well we dug out when 
 we did, from the swomps beyont Gains' Mill, utherways' nine- 
 tents of us mought hev found our graves thar. 
 
 Cullerd refewgeese from the rebel camp represents that thous- 
 ands of thar sojers was thrown inter a state of halloosinashiu 
 by the gunpowder cocktails with witch they refresht tharselves 
 doorin the recent cumbats. It peers that a kwart of red-eye 
 stiffened with hafe a pound of powder, was sarved out to each 
 vetran, and a dubble doste to the new conskrips, evry day doorin 
 the struggel. In coarse the solushin of rot-gut and saltpeter kept 
 em continally corned, witch ackounts for thar makin a salt arter 
 a salt with the vigger of fresh troops, when we sposed all the 
 grit hed ben taken outer em. But last week, arter the final ac- 
 shin, reacshin commenst, and setch a bellerin and rorin as thar 
 was in the seecesh ranks (ef the fudgetives is to be bleved) was 
 never heerd afore outside of an insanitory institooshin. They 
 all sposed, as is ushally the case in many a potyous, as the 
 Grate Incinderary was in pershoot of em with a red hot poker
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 169 
 
 and bein awar that the contents of thar stumniicks was highly 
 cnmbustabul and extree-hazardus, they naterally dredded to cum 
 in contract with setch a weepin. Accordin to the contrabands, 
 sum fansid they was bumshells, and puttin thar tungs out, rek- 
 wested thar cumraids to eggstingwish the fuse. It seems thar- 
 fore that altho gunpowder punch may be an all-feroshus fightin 
 beveridge, yet ef a man takes it till he gets shot in the neck, it is 
 liabul to play the devil with him. 
 
 Our lines eggstend from jest belo Harrassin Landin about seven 
 milds up streem, and the current report is, that we air to remain 
 on the banks of the river ontil the new levees is razed and 
 drilled, and we ken advance with the sartainty of overwelinin 
 the insirgents. In the meantime, re-enforcements is reachin us in 
 transports, and the hull army is as happy as Irishmen at a wake. 
 The rashins is bully, as plenty of fresh beef cums up from the 
 Fort evry day. Consek'ens is, we air all gainin flesh. On the 
 march from the Chickenhominy, we hed nothin but the hardest 
 kinder crackers, and its a wunder we dident fizzle out on setch 
 repulsive fare. More'n five hunderd contrabands is now emploid 
 in the cookin department, and no one complains that animal 
 food is meated out with a niggerd hand. The opertoonity to 
 bathe is also a fine thing for the men, and hunderds of em may 
 be seen cuttin up thar jimnasticks in the James, at all hours of 
 the day. 
 
 In short we all feel in boyantsperrits, and sink or swim, sirvive 
 or perish, we are reddy to strike out wunst more for Kichinound 
 at the word go. We could drive the rebels like deers ef we oney 
 hed Fort Darling. The plan is for the gunboats to git a brest of 
 it while we open on its rare with our breeching pieces, but this 
 kant be dun without a bigger force than the Ginral now hes at 
 his disposhal. When Dai-ling yields to our arms, a few power- 
 ful rams will sun clar the channel from piles and uther obstruck- 
 shins, and the strong hold of Virginny will be ours. Howsever 
 its idol to count chickens afore thar hatched, as I confess I did 
 when we began to shell the rebels on the Chickenhominy. I 
 crowed a leetle might too kwick, thats a fack. 
 
 Nuthin ken be luvlyer'n our present elevated lowcashin. The 
 gentle slopes over witch we lately retreated is a perfeck panor- 
 arnmer of pictoresk buty, altho in menny places the rebel corn 
 hes sufierd from the tramplin feet of our sojers. Feeld larks 
 sings in the meddows alLday long, and all throo these moonlight 
 nights the encurridging notes of the " whip-her-well" seems to 
 foretell the cumming fate of the Suthern Cornfedracy. 
 8
 
 170 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 On Toosday evenin last the hull army was thrown inter con- 
 vulshins of delight by the suddent apperience of the President. 
 He is in fine helth and sperrits and is heving a tall time, holding 
 revews and treting us all to a perfeck few de joy of cannon- 
 drums. 
 
 This mornin he axed me why he resembeld Ginral Ma- 
 clellin. As he meshurs six feet five in his stockin feet and 
 our glorius little Mac is oney five feet six with his boots on, I 
 couldn't see it, but he imrnediently releved me from the ang- 
 wish of suspense, by statin that it was bekase he hed jest left the 
 White House for James Hiver. Seeiu he was in the humerus 
 vain, I gin him the follerin : ses I " Why is the Seckatry of War 
 like a lame letter carryer ?" He couldn't wool it, so I hed to 
 eggsplain to him that the Seckatry of War was like a lame letter 
 carryer, on ackount of not bein the right Man for the Post. He 
 wouldn't see it, but I told him the peeple did. Arter remainin 
 silent for a few moments, doorin wich I persoom he was turnin 
 the Seckatry over in his mind, the ushil plesant twinkle cum 
 back to his eyes, and he inkwired ef I could tell him wot to do. 
 with Freemount. " My venabul frend," ses I, " ef you want to 
 do the clean thing, and wash your hands of him altogether, giv 
 him the entire cummand of the famus basin in the Rocky 
 Mountings, witch he ses he diskivered, and send Kit Carson with 
 him to show him whar it is." That fotched him he larfed till 
 he kwivered all over like a bean-pole in a thunder-gust, and re- 
 markt, that ef the Pathfinder would strike a bee line for enny- 
 whars outer sight, he wouldent mind treatin him to a coach and 
 four, witch he onderstood was his favrit- travellin eckwipedge 
 and re-instatin old Saygoney as his a decamp. 
 
 Arter an hour or so's conversashin of a similder improovin 
 carrickter, we pairted with resiprical eggspreshuns of atleckshin 
 and regaird. He will leve for Washington this evenin or to- 
 rnorrer, and we shell all be sorry to hev him go. Honest Old 
 Abe ! he desarves the name. As a paytryit, he curns up to my 
 standard. Long "may he wave ! 
 
 As the strait jacket rools of the War Department pi events me 
 from sendin you enny informashin of importance, I must refer 
 you to the Richmound papers for all the pcrticklers witch it is 
 desirabul should be kept sekrit from the rebels, and hopin that 
 a time may cum when all gag-laws will be repeeled, I remain 
 with sincere contempt for oflishal humbugs, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 171 
 
 No. LX. 
 
 [The following letter has some bitter pokes at the politicians 
 who would rather see the Union go to the dogs than have it 
 saved on any other plan than their own. EDS.] 
 
 HABBASSIN BAB, July 17, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Seecesh, arter flutterin around for a fortnight as ef he calkilated 
 to make a dart, hes withdrord to his old roostin place in the ney. 
 brood of Richmound. Ginral Lee findin it onpossabul to haul 
 the grub for his amens army throo the swomps, conclooded to 
 fall back to his hog and homany, and now I spose, things will 
 remain in wot pollytishins calls a state of " masterly inactivity" 
 ontil we get re-enforcements enuff to risk auuther shindy. 
 Wether that blessed consummerashin will take place afore the 
 fall, or then, or when, is an open kwestin, or rayther an open 
 and shet kwestin, witch I leve to the pollytickle profits, for its 
 altogether beyant me. JVIebbe the Seckatry of War nose when 
 sumthin that means sumthin is likely to be dun ; but its my 
 bleef that the fog as sirrounds the hull matter is thicker in the 
 visinity of the War Offls than enny whars else onder the canopy. 
 The poick ses " thar is a Providence as shapes our eends" ; but 
 it peers to me that our eend is shaped by the agents of the uther 
 feller, and it wout be long afore its whittled down to a pint ef it 
 continnees in setch infarnal bad hands. 
 
 The sojers of this army isent fools. They ken dror an infer- 
 ence as well as dror a bead, and when they see by the papers as 
 the cussed pollytishins is dishartnin the peeple and stoppin 
 recrutin with thar misabul quarls, they feel as ef a few rounds of 
 grape drapt inter thar ranks, without distinkshin of party, would 
 be eenamost ekwil to a Union victry in the feeld. The South is 
 chucklin over the disputes of your torkin traitors in the North. 
 Thars nuthin seecesh likes better'n to see radicals and consarva- 
 tives buttin wun anuther like two flocks of billy-gotes, insted of 
 layin thar heels together and clubbin all thar energees for the 
 porpus of strikin a decisive bio at the rebellyun. Why in thun- 
 der kant the slangwangs on both sides hold up till the fight's 
 over? Not wun of the kwestins as agitates thar pettifoggyiu 
 minds ken be settled ontil the South's whipt. That's the bizness 
 on hand now, and thars oney wun way to finnish it up, and thats 
 by the sledge-hammer argyment of sooperiur force. Ef I hcd 
 absloot power for about a month, Ide dralt evry purfeshhial pol-
 
 172 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 lytishin inter the army, and put em to work as team-drivers and 
 trumpet-blowers its about all tlieyre fit for. The flower of the 
 United States Sennit rnought prehaps be usefully emploid in the 
 new army bakeries, and sum of the blud-and-thunder fellers of 
 the House of Representatives mought be set to butcherin beef 
 for the Army of the Potomac. 
 
 As Eddyturs is noways responsabul for curryspondent's sub- 
 jestins, prehaps youll allow me to prepose that Chandler, the 
 paytriotic Midgygander, who hes ben follerin up the rebel attact 
 on Ginral Maclellin by assailin him in the rare from a saift place 
 in the Sennit chamber, may be made chief of balloons to this 
 divishin, as his nateral taste for gas would no doubt render him 
 a first-rate airynaught ; and he mought take Freemount with him 
 as an assistant to pull the valves. . Freemount resined his cum- 
 mand in the presents of the enemees of his kentry, and Mister 
 Chandler went a leetle furder, by pitchin inter Ginral Maclellin, 
 jest arter he hed repulst em. Two setch conjenal sperrits would 
 be kwite to hum together in the clouds, and ef they should 
 never cum down I ken oney say that better men hev disappeard 
 senst the time of Elijah. Ef the Seckatry of War wants the 
 right man in the right place, let him by all means puts his frend 
 Chandler at the head of the gasbag department, and send him up, 
 with the Pathfinder, to take a birds eye view of the Conduck of 
 the War. Should the wind be in the direckshin of Ilichmound, 
 thar would be no harm in cuttin the balloon cord, so as to make 
 it smooth sailin for em to the rebel capital. Its easier to go thar 
 by gas than enny uther way. 
 
 While the North is beatin up recrutes to enabul us to beat the 
 rebels, we air takin it easy on the banks of the James. Whisky 
 is perhibitecl eggscpt as a medsin ; but as the number of sick is 
 large and the sutlers supply the well, few suffers from the use of 
 onholsom water. Thars very good fishin jest below the Bar, 
 but it ken oney be enjide from the decks of the gunboats, as the 
 seecesh fires inter all unarmed craft from a mud scow to a hors- 
 pittle ship. I tride for sum rock fish tuther day, bat hed hardly 
 ankerd and bated my line afore a minnie ball smasht wun of 
 my skulls, and a four pound shot went throo my starn and cum 
 allfrightful neir sinkin me. Sport's sport, and Ime naterally 
 brave as well as fond of anglin, but if ever lively paddlin was 
 dun by a white man, it was in that emergingsee. The prencepul 
 amewsment of the men is poker and old sledge, tossin coppers, 
 crack loo a streek in the sand sarving for the crack and 
 checkers. The offsirs discurridge gamblin as in dooty bound ;
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 173 
 
 and setch of the chaplins as doosent take a hand tharselves pints 
 out the conneckshin atwecn bettin and Belzybub ; but wots tho 
 use ? The sojers pockets the papers and tetches thar caps outer 
 respect to thar offsirs when they go by, and two ininits arter- 
 wards theyre at it agin regairdless of thar immortal soles. Its 
 astonishin, considerin the number of relidgus pamflits thars ben 
 distribited to this army, that it doosent no better ; but I spose 
 the resin is that the ruisabul sinners use the tracks to fold up 
 thar small stores, insted of layin em to hart and feedin on the 
 bred of life they contane. Strange to say, howsever, skores and 
 hunderds of em lies BiWes, and I wouldent be sprised ef they 
 found thar way to Hevin, poor blunderin critters, ennamost as 
 well as ef they was allus turnin up the whites of thar eyes and 
 groanin onder the effecks of a secktarian colic. 
 
 I onderstand thars a report goin the rounds at Washington 
 that the rebels tuck cannon enutt' from this army to plate Fort 
 Darlin eighteen inches thick, and that the Treadagur iron works 
 is meltin em down for that porpuss. The same relieabul and 
 conshyenshus parties as stated as the White House would make 
 a fust rate horspittle for five hunderd payshents, is sposed to be 
 at the bottom of this" ironwar story. Thars enny kwantity 
 of talent for eggsitin fickshin atwixt the Capitol Hill and 
 Georgetown Hights, and nowhars doos it seem to flurrish so 
 lucksewerusly as in the plesent shadder of the War Department. 
 The Seckatry of War hisself is remarkabul for his poetick biass, 
 so much so in fack that the tellegraft onder his control hes ben 
 ekwil to a lyre with a thousand strings. 
 
 Hopin as the printers will make no mistake about the spellin 
 of the last wurd but four in the preseedin sentens, I remain, 
 awaitin the march of events, but not expectin em to rnoove 
 afore the Fall, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LSI. 
 
 [As we feared from the intermission of his communications, 
 our correspondent has been sick of the fever, and although con- 
 valescent, is still suffering from languor and debility. He gives 
 an amusing account of a phantasy that possessed him during his
 
 174 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 delirium. The ravings of tie fever-stricken brain are curious 
 psychological phenomena. EDS.] 
 
 HAKKASSIN LANDIN, August 7, 1802. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Wen conjestive fever gits hold of a feller its no joke. It nox 
 you down and sets onto you like an inkahus, forbiddin the use of 
 the pen. I speak by the kearcl, for senst my last Ive hed a life- 
 or-deth-rastle with this bog-bear of the South, and cum all-blazin 
 near gettin the coo de grass. Hed I ben tuck with it in the Paw- 
 monkey S.wornp, no dout I should hev got my everlastin furlow, 
 but this high ground is more faverabul to valleytoodinarians, 
 and tho mutch broken, I arn gradjelly mendin. At wun 
 time my mind wanderd to that degree that the doctors consid- 
 ered me a goner, but thars a Providence as shapes our eends, 
 and mine wain't shaped, it seems. Consekently, here I am settin 
 up on my cot in the sick shanty, with a swimmin in my hed and 
 an orful sinkin at my stummick, tryin to get surnthin lively 
 throo my har for the collumes of the Merkary. You musn't an- 
 dizzypate ennything, very brilyant, howsever, for I feel as ef my 
 upperwurks was whizzin, and jerkin, and snappin, like a Yan- 
 kee clock outer gearin. 
 
 Its extrornary wot strange things the most sensabul man may 
 say wen laborin onder the helloocynashins of delirum. Ef the 
 fattest offis in the gift of the guverment was offerd by adver- 
 tisement to the purest paytryits, I don't bleve a truer friend of 
 the Union than I be could be skared up atwixt the fedral city and 
 Funnel Haul ; and yet 1 larn that when the fever was on me I 
 acktilly blastfeemed the administrashin and even spoke in dis- 
 porriclgement of that Playdum of our Libties, the mighty wur- 
 rier and statesman of Illanoy. Ef it hedent a ben that the cum- 
 raid as nust me tuck down my raven words in black and white, 
 to reed to me wen I got well, I wouldn't hev sposed it possabul 
 that setch langwedge could hev passed the lyal lips of your 
 curryspondent. But when a man's not in a sanitory state of 
 mind in coarse he isent responsabul for his railin wurds, and no- 
 boddy don't oughter take a fence at him. 
 
 It peers I thort I hed the President and sum of his constitoo- 
 shinal advisers caged in a carryvan and was totin em throo the 
 North, for a sho. My nuss ses I addrest the irnadginary awjin- 
 ces as follers : 
 
 This feller citysins (pintin inter vacancy) is Abraham Lincoln, 
 President of the United States, called for shortness, and bekase,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 175 
 
 he was never adclickted to petty larceny, Honest Abe. He's an 
 astonishiu man at axin chesnut trees and caunondrunis, and ken 
 split rails or sides with equil cumplaysensy. Mr. Lincoln, niy 
 poplar IVend, be kind enuff to favor this enlightened awjencc 
 with a button.-buster. He wishes to no, ladies and gentlemen, 
 why his boot is like an ainshent Greek republick? I dessay 
 you 11 never guess, for it lucks considabul more like the king- 
 dom of Italy, a few sizes less than life. He eggsplains. His 
 boot is like an ainshent Greek republick bekase it has a Sole on. 
 Prehaps the answer is obskewer. Agen he will eggsplain : 
 Solon was a wise man of antickity, but at the present day Solan 
 geese may be found in Greenland. You see his nollidge is uni- 
 varsal. Ef time permitted, he would be reminded of a story, 
 but unfortnitly he hes to be returnt to the seat of guvennent be- 
 ibre the cominensmeut of the Fall camppain. Observe, his eye 
 twinkles he hes an idee. Wot is it, your eggsellency ? He 
 wishes me to state to this intelleckshal assemblidge witch I con- 
 sidder the most wunderful of all his stories. It's onpossible 
 thars selch an innoomerable number on em, and theyre all so 
 mutch alike. Wunst more he eggsplains: The most wunderful 
 of all his stories, is his upper story. Thars no repressin his hu- 
 mor, you perceeve ; it spurts outer him like patroleum from the 
 mouth of a Pennsylvania ile well. His waggish tales would 
 make a dorg larf, and its a pity thars not time to git em off. 
 Mebbe you would like to larn why this cherful citysin was 
 eleckted to the Eggseggative Cheer. For variety, ladies and 
 gentlemen, for variety. All our prevus cheef madgistrets hed 
 ben grave and dignified, and we wanted a rib-tickler I spose. 
 We've got wun, ennyhow. Like the man in the drayma, he 
 peers to think as all the world's a stage, and he wants to star it 
 as a low commedian. He proposes to save the Union on jocular 
 prenceples ; but I'me afeerd the larf wont cum in at present In 
 the meantime, howsoever, it is a consolashin to know that wot- 
 ever disasters may overtake the nashin, the White House will 
 allus be a> merry as a circus. The President nods and winks in 
 the affirmative, and would offer a closin remark. He says that 
 care killed a cat, but never averted a catastrophy ; and that even 
 the solein old Roman Emprors, wen they went to the sennit, 
 had a set of fellers called lickters, that carrid thar farces before 
 em. You ken set down now, Mr. President, wile I stir up the 
 Seckatry of War. 
 
 This, ladies and gentlemen (settin up the cot bolster) is the 
 head of the War Department. Wot he doosent no about uiileu-
 
 176 WAK LETTERS OF 
 
 N 
 
 tary strategy and setch, all tlie ginrals in the wurld kant teetch 
 him. He is an inch taller than the fust Napollyun, and consida- 
 bully heavyer. You air awar wot the results of the conflick lies 
 ben so far. Well we owe evrything incloodin the masterly 
 back down in the Shunadoor Valley to this extrornary critter. 
 Hip ! hip ! hip ! hurrah ! Why in thunder don't you cheer ? 
 Youve heern, prehaps, that him and Ginral Maclcllin doosent set 
 up thar horses together. But I hev it from the Playdum of our 
 Libties, in the nex cage, that Ginral Maclellin lucks upon the 
 Honabul Seckatry with much affeckshin, and viccy versey. Take 
 him altogether, the Seckatry of War is the biggest thing out in 
 the milentary line, and ennybody that kwestins his capassity for 
 war and conkest will be immediently supprest as a dumestic 
 traitor. 
 
 Setch was the style in witch I raved, as I onderstand, for 
 more'n twenty-four hours, wile the loonatic fit was onto me. 
 Chase, Welles, and Seward cum in for considabul abuse ; but it 
 seems I pitcht hardest inter Honest Old Abe and Seckatry Stan- 
 ton, two men as I equelly luv and esteem wen in the perseshin 
 of my senses. But ef a fellers outer his hed, just wot he don't 
 want to say, and dont oughter say, is wot he invariably doos 
 say. 
 
 Thars a counsel of war among the leadin offsirs to-day, and 
 the rummer is that a push is to be made at wunst for Richmound ; 
 but, on the uther hand, dont be sprised ef you heer of a rebel 
 push for Washington in less'n ten days from now. Thars going 
 to be anuther allmity big skrimmidge afore the new recrutes is 
 reddy. Tryin to hope that we shall give em goss, I remain, 
 weak but wurmy, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXII. 
 
 [The strategic riddle which has for some time been puzzling 
 the brains of a mystified public seems to be solved by the sub- 
 joined letter. EDS.] 
 
 HARRASSIN LANDIN, August 14, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sanday Merkary : 
 
 The army of the Peninsular hes rekivered from the hard bat- 
 ting it reseved in changin its base, and is impayshint to hev the
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 177 
 
 
 
 ball agin set in moshin. For sum time past it hes ben devotin 
 its energees to ketcliin flees and ticks, smudgin galley nippers, 
 and subjugatin sartin lice-senshus insecks as prays upon the 
 human cuetickle. While the troops hes ben engaged in this 
 silent but bluddy struggel with enemees at wunst penetratin 
 and circumspecked, Porter's Mortar Flowtiller hes ben lyin at 
 Haniton Roads in a state of masterly inactivity. Doorin the 
 same intrim, the gunboat squadrun hes ben mored in James 
 River, dooin nuthin jest as eesy as rollin off a log. 
 
 But thars gwine to be a moovement at last, and prehaps you'll 
 hear on it by tellagraft afore this reeches you. In course it will 
 be conduckted with the ushil address, but the direckshin is kept 
 a perfound secrit for the present. With the eggsepshin of the 
 Guverrnent, our ginrals, and the rebels, few hes enny idee of 
 the supprise that awaits the enemee. I hope I vilate no confi- 
 dense in sayin that we air not to advance and captivate Rich- 
 mound kwite the contrairy. The fack is that the sickly seesin is 
 cumming on, and the army is gwine to make a grand strutegic 
 slantendicaler slide for the bennyfit of its helth. Hundercls of 
 our best bosses is dyin of intestinal disorders, and the overfed 
 buzzards bein too fat and lazy to keer about hoss flesh, the 
 arorner of discomposin canyon is onhelthily loud. The doctors 
 ses if the army stays here the men will foller the bosses. Con- 
 sekently we air about to start in pershoot of that helth and hap- 
 piness which the Declarashin of Independents grantease to evry 
 citysin. The American Constitooshin is naterally rayther weak, 
 and it would be madness to risk the lives of the champions of 
 the Union in a struggle with the Suthern pestilence. Takin all 
 these things inter considerashin, the Peninslu is to be evackiated 
 afore diaree sets in. 
 
 I dunno as I oughter rit that last sentens, but the cat's shoor to 
 be outer the bag by the time this letter gits inter your hands. The 
 kwestin is, howsever, not whar we air gwine from, but whar we 
 air gwine too- All I ken ventur to say on the subjeck is that 
 we eggspeck to effeck a junkshin with sumboddy sumwhars, for 
 sum purpos, if we don't in the meantime run agin a snag. 
 
 So eends our gloryus six-munts camppain in these diggins. 
 The grand army of the Potomac, that was to take " no step 
 backards ", arter being licked hafe a duzzen times on this insig- 
 nificant tung of land, is now necessiated, in spite of its teeth, to 
 make a rutdegrade moovement. Whars that sevagrus reptyle, 
 the grate milentary bore constructor, that everyboddy was makin 
 setch a coil about in April and May ? It hes ben weighed in the 
 8*
 
 178 -WAH LETTERS OF 
 
 skales and found wantin. It hes ben compleatly headed off and 
 its tail is tolled. Braver men and better sojers than the host as 
 started on the root to Richniound last March never drord a bead 
 or fixed a bagnet. But how hev they ben engineerd ? Shuv- 
 vels and wheelburrows hes ben the order of the day. They hev 
 ben diggin inter the ground like moles and woodchucks, when 
 they oughter ben diggen inter the rebels. Sixty thousand on em 
 is onder the sod, in seecesh prisons, and in horspittles, and the 
 remainder is about to make a scientific skedaddle to parts unbe- 
 known. I wunst read a buck they called the " Histry of the 
 Croosades ", whar it was stated that the fust army that started for 
 Jerooslurn superstishusly follered the movements of Goose. As 
 mought hev ben eggspected they all perisht of starvashin in the 
 swomps of Hungry. Thars a morial in the story witch I reeky- 
 mend to the solem considerashin of the Solomons at Wash- 
 ington. 
 
 Ime glad, howsever. that we air likely to quit these moreasses. 
 Enny moove from our present icelated persishin to a cooler, 
 helthier rejin, cant be in the rong direckshin. In a raunt, I 
 spose, we shall hev three hunderd thousand new recrut, ; n the 
 feeld, and with such an addishenal force, onless its ma. : ' 3red 
 by a seckind edishin of the giant Blunderbore, we ken sai ily 
 giv Ginral Lee and his assoshiates thar quietus. 
 
 Thars wun thing in the conduck of this war witch must per- 
 voke the admirashin of the hull civilized wurld, and that is the 
 screwpullus perliteness and distingwished considerashin with 
 witch we treat the bullyin blaggards in command of the seecesh 
 armies. Ginral Lee writes to Ginral Hallcck that he lucks upon 
 sum of our Major Ginrals and Bragadears as robbers, cutthroats, 
 murderers and pirits, and menshins the names of a few that he 
 means to hang when he ketches them. To this Ginral Halleck 
 replies that as setch laugwidge is insultin to the guverment of 
 the United States, he respeckfutty declines to receive it. The 
 idee of respectfully declinin the insults of a blusterin traitor 
 peers to me to be the height of human curtsey, and desarves to 
 be recorded in Histry as a tip-top specement of perlite litteratoor 
 in the Nineteen! Sentry. But Ginral Maclellin is ekwilly con- 
 siderit, ef not more so. While the rebels amuse tharselves with 
 setch practickle jokes as cuttinthe throtes of unarmed Unionists, 
 and hangin em heels uppards, with thar entrals in thar mouths 
 (I sor with iny own eyes the boddies of two lyal citysins as hed 
 been sarved in this way, near the White House), Ginral Mac- 
 lellin tells his army that as this is " not a war of subjugashiu " it
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 179 
 
 must be conduckted "iipon the highest prenceples known to 
 Christian civilizashin." Not a war of subjugashin ! What in 
 the name of chain-lightnin is it then ? To subjugate, my old 
 dickshinary ses, is "to compel to submit". Dont we want to 
 compel the South to submit ? Ef not, spose we throw down our 
 arms and ax thar pardon for heving pitcht inter em contrary 
 "to the highest prenceples of Christian civilizashin". 
 
 Beleven that when a nashin drors the swoord, it should never 
 dror it mild, and that the old Testyment noshin of an eye for an 
 eye and a tooth for a tooth is the troo wun for a war like ours, I 
 remain, with extreem ferosity, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOI/UNTEEB. 
 
 No. LXHI. 
 
 [The rebels are in great force on the line of the Virginia 
 Central Railroad, and also on the south bank of the Rapidan, 
 threatening General Pope's army and Fredericksburg. We 
 hope Pope, Burnside, and McClellan are near enough to each 
 other to form a speedy junction. Probably the first blow will 
 fall on Pope. EDS.] 
 
 YORKTOWN, August 20, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The grand advance to the rare witch I hinted at in my last epistol 
 is accomplisht. We hev eskaped triuinfantly, without a scratch. 
 When it is rememberd that it tuck the Army of the Potomack 
 sixteen munts to make its way up the Peninslur, and oney 
 forty -eight hours to return, the human mind relizes with amaze- 
 ment the rapid strides that hes ben made in milentary sience 
 senst the commensment of this majestickle struggle. It is 
 onnessary to giv the particklars of our sole-refreshin trip from 
 Harrassin Landin to Yorktown. We left the plesent waterin- 
 place whar we hed ben so long reposin on our lorilS about day- 
 brake on Friday, the fifteent instant, and arrove here on Sunday 
 arternoon, singin. sains of victry. The rebels, bein engaged in 
 uther persoots, suffcrd us to vamose without firin a shot. Opin- 
 yins differs, howsever, as to the resin we warnt mislested on the 
 march. Sum thinks that as the mane objeck of the Seecesb hes
 
 180 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 all along ben to get us off tlie Peninslur, they porpusly left the 
 coste clar for the performence of this brillyant peace of warlike 
 strategy. That porshin of the army as went in transports to 
 Fortress Munro happily arrove saift, with the artillry, stores, 
 and celry, so that nuthinto speak of hes fallen inter the hands 
 of the discumforted fo, ban-in the territory, witch we hev ocky- 
 pied doorin the summer as a milentary cematery. 
 
 So mutch for the late brillyant manover. Of the moovments 
 now in contemplashin I must speak cawshusly. Consentrashin 
 is the idee for the ensooin camppain. Maclellin, Burnside, and 
 Pope is edgin up to wun anuther, and by the time this rceches 
 you they oughter all be within sportin distans. And not a bit 
 too sun nuther, for, as I told you three weeks ago, the rebels is 
 goin to make a desput push for "Washington. Thar hull army 
 in the Southwest, it is sed, hes ben orderd to jine Ginral Lee, 
 and all thar troops in frunt of Richmound is now inoovin tords 
 the Deestrick ef Coluniby. Thar'll be a bluddy fite within ten 
 days from this date, and I trust and bleve a Union victry. By 
 that time we oughter hev 350,000 troops in Virginny, and onless 
 they air mismanaged most orfully, Seecesh will hev to holler 
 and run. 
 
 Oney let our milentary leaders abandun strategy and pitch 
 right in, and we ken smash em. All Ime afeard on is, compli- 
 cated plans and intrickit skeems. The skientific dodge game is 
 playd out. Shot and shell, bullet and bagnet, fire and swoord, 
 is to settle this bizness. It ken be finisht up no uther way. AVe 
 must fite the rebels day in and day out. It wont do to giv em a 
 back fall, and then wait for em to rekiver thar wind for anuther 
 rastle. Wen we've got em down we must stomp onto em, and 
 never kwit jumpin on thar carcusses ontil they cease to sho 
 enny sines of life. 
 
 In coarse this stile of warfare will seem dredful crewel to sum. 
 [ hey a broad-brimmed unkel belongin to the Sosity of Frends 
 as would call it barbarus. Wai, war is barbarus. The prence- 
 pal is to " kill, kill, kill," as the mad king ses in the drayrna. 
 
 Purty sun we shell outnumber the rebels two to wun. In bone 
 and mussel the Nuthern troops is sooperior to the Suthern, and in 
 pluck fully thar ekwils. Evry thing depends on the way our 
 men is handeld. 
 
 The Stars and Stripes will wave over Jeff Davis's head-kwar- 
 ters in Eichmound afore the middle of October, ef our ginrals 
 will oney fite insted of fendin off. 
 Knowiu that onless they ken gain a frig victry afore our new
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 181 
 
 army gits inter the feeld, they air gon, bob and sinker, Lee and 
 his assoshits will make a tremenjus rush for the fedral capital 
 with all the forces they ken muster, right away. Ef they ketch 
 Pope, Burnside, or Macllellin onsupported, its not onlikely that 
 the divishin cort nappin will git an ongodly beltin ; but ef the 
 three divishins closes up and givs battle to the Cornfedrits, 
 they'll be whipt jest as sartain as Floyd's a tlieefandMagruder's 
 a drunkard. The simperthisers in "Washington allow that thar'll 
 be four hunderd thousand Seecesh onder arms in the Old 
 Dominion afore the fust of September. Gas and gammon ! All 
 thar troops in the feeld from wun eggstremity of Seeceshy to 
 the uther, incloodin gorillas, doosent amount to more'n that 
 number, and they hevent 175,000 sojers in the State of Virginny 
 to-day. 
 
 No reliance whatsumdever is to be placed on the stories of 
 noosepaper curryspondents about the rebel force in these rejins. 
 It was stated at fust by sum of these gesswurk humbugs that 
 Stunwall Jackson hed sixty thousand men when he attacted 
 Ginral Pope's advance; then they put the number down to 
 thirty thousand, and, finerly, to fifteen thousand. The truth is, 
 he hed barly six thousand ! 
 
 Its my firm bleef that thars as menny Union as thars rebel 
 troops in Virginny, and that all our ginrals hev to do is to mass 
 thar divishins together, and sail in to sartain victry. 
 
 As to rebel re-enforcements from the Southwest, who keers 
 for that Doosent our new recruits pore in from the North 
 faster n they ken send troops from Chatternogo ? Let em 
 bring thar hull Southwestern army on here ef they dar. Buell 
 and Curtis ken then ockapy all thar posishins in that kwarter, 
 while we punish em here. 
 
 But all depends, as I sed afore, upon our ginrals. Ef they 
 don't sho tharselves in airnest ef they play the old shilly-shally 
 shuvvel and wheelburrow game ef they don't make it war to 
 the knife, and the knife to the hilt tell evry rebel now in arms 
 is ether slorterd, or captivated, or flyin for life then the game's 
 up on our side. 
 
 Hopin, blevin, prayin, and eggspectin, that we shell lick rebel- 
 lyon, and that rebellyun will lick the dust, I remane, swoord in 
 hand aud pistil cockt for mortal cumbat, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED YOLTJNTEEB,
 
 133 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 No. LXIV. 
 
 [Our Protean friend, wh*se humor is as variable as the tints of 
 the .chameleon, is this week sly and dry. Read, mark, and 
 inwardly digest his observations on the Government order for 
 the expulsion of newspaper-correspondents from the Union 
 armies. It was according to the " fitness of things " that such an 
 order should be promulgated simultaneously with the news that 
 all our plans for the coming campaign, together with dispatches 
 of the highest importance, had fallen through the grossest care- 
 lessness into the hands of the public enemy. EDS.] 
 
 ACQUIA CRICK, August 20, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerJcary : 
 
 In imitashin of the llushin Milentary Desputism doorin the 
 Crymean War, the Guverment at Washington lies issood an 
 order directin all noosepaper curryspondents to be druv outer 
 our armees in Virginia, vi et am us, as the skollards say. In our 
 case the order is not called a Ukase as it was in Rushy, but in 
 all sensual perticklers the two cases is facie semeles. I hev not 
 seen a coppy of the dockyrnent, but the currier who brort it ses 
 the langwidge is perrumptory, and rekwires the offsirs to boot 
 us out of the lines to the enliven toon of the Roag s March, and 
 to hang us as spies if we attemp to return. 
 
 He states, also, that to prevent the possability of enny more 
 tales bein told outer skull, all the ink, pens, and paper belongin 
 to privit sojers and ofl'sirs below the rank of bragadears, is to be 
 placed oncler the keer of a speshil gard, Composed of men who 
 ken nuther reed nor rite, and that the hull army is to sho thar 
 hands twyst a clay, at " revelee " and " taps ", and ef enny sojer 
 is deteckted with an ink spot on his fingers he is to be inline - 
 diently wiped out, and his property, if he happens to hev enny, 
 confisticated for the use of the Guverment tellagraft operators, 
 whoos hafe-cockt reports is hensforrard to be receved as vorashus 
 by all sivillians, onder penalty of bein sent to the neardest fort 
 tell the wars over. 
 
 I hev hed an intervew with Ginral Maclollin senst the rival of 
 the currier, and he lies takin the responsbility of allowin me to 
 pen this epistol, and I shell this arternoon address anuther to my 
 magnannymous trend the President, who I feel sartain will make 
 an eggsepshin in my faver for old ackwaintance sake, and bekase 
 I hev allus rendered that triboot to his genus for dublin tenders,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLXJKTEEB. 183 
 
 callembores, and uther button-busters, witch they so richly 
 desarved. I think, tharfore (to use the wurds of the late C. C. 
 Cambrelling), that I shall be abel to continny this curryspondence 
 " in spite of lamentashins here and allswear". 
 
 But it will go rayther hard with less faverd paper-stainers, 
 who hev vilatcd thar payroll of honor not to contradick the 
 tellagraffic ackounts of Union victries, and who hevent hed 
 enuff common sense and sense of the ridickalus to crack up the 
 side-splittin joaks emanatin from the head of the republick. I 
 larn with regret but without suprise that the curryspondents 
 of the New York Herald, Triboon, Times, Eggapress, Post, Coin- 
 mershil, and Wilkes's Sperrit of the Times, is to be drummed 
 outer camp doorin arternoon parade to-morrow. Each of these 
 littery delinkwents is to ware a foolscap made of the jernil he 
 represents, and it is speshily ordered, I onderstand, that the head- 
 dress of the curryspondent of Wilkes's Sperrit is to consist of the 
 coppy of the sourcaustic paper witch contains a byagruffical 
 sketch of Ginral Maclellin, by the leaden eddytur. The hull 
 spectickle will be solem and imposin, but I don't think it will 
 hev the effeck of preventin " letters from the seat of war " from 
 appearin in the noosepapers, bekase curryspondence kwite aa 
 graiflc and interestin and ackarit as enny that hes yet appeared, 
 ken be got up in the back offlses of the jernils referd to, at the 
 small expense'of say ten dollars a week apeace, and I think the 
 Eggspress witch hes a reraarkabul turn for ekonimy ken do it 
 for five. Takin all things inter considerashin I think the inflow 
 enshil organs of public opinyun in the Empire City will save 
 considabul by hevin all thar war letters rit to hum. " Relieabul 
 gentrnen" ken be hed at most enny price in New York, and hum 
 made intelligence from our armies in the field will hev the 
 dubble advantidge of bein ekwilly cheap and orthentic. That 
 it will be as trustwurthy as the guverment tellagrams, noboddy 
 as nose enuything about the morril depravity of artifishal light- 
 nin, will for a moment dout. 
 
 The vidgelance of the War Department in suddenly shetting 
 down on the curryspondens of the lyall noosepapers in the North 
 is most pertickerly to be commended at this time, when a slyte 
 oversight on the part of sumbuddy, but for witch noboddy is to 
 blame, hes throne all the milentary plans of the guverment inter 
 the hands of the rebels. The privit despatches, et cetery, et 
 cetery, of Ginrals Pope and Macdoill, sezed tuther clay by the 
 Seecesh Kernil Stewart at Catlet's Stashin, is sposed to hev con- 
 taned more strutegy and setch, then was ever afore tied together
 
 184 \YAB LETTERS OF 
 
 with red tape senst the wurld began. The Annie Condy plan 
 warnt nuthin to it, line told. And now that contemtabul corn- 
 fedrit conspurrator, Jeff Davis, is reedin over the manyskrips, 
 and studyin the combinashins as was to hev eggstingwished him 
 and hisn, at his leeshur. Hed them captered plans oney ben 
 carrid out, insted of bein tuck from us in an ongarded moment, 
 by a passel of scooting troopers, Avho hedent even the perlite- 
 ness to say by your leve, the fate of the rebellyun would hev 
 ben sealed. Now its onsealed, and thars no tellin when it will 
 be brort to a close. 
 
 Ginral Maclellin arrove at these head-kwarters on Sunday 
 mornin, and arterwards Ginral Burnside cum in from the Rap- 
 perhammock to tork over matters with the galliant chief. It is 
 rummerd that Ginral Pope and Ginral Maclellin doosent hitcli 
 bosses together, both claimin the cheef cummand. The report 
 is that Ginral Halleck hes ben appeald to, and will settle the 
 difflkulty by becummin cock-of-the-walk hisself. Stanton seems 
 to hev sobsided senst Halleck tuck the rains of pour, as Ginral- 
 issirno. The result of the Shunadoor Valley splurge setteld his 
 rnilentary stummack sum, and he seems to hev rapt hisself up in 
 the solitood of his own oridginality, and sot down to solid 
 thinkin. I hop sumthin '11 cum of it. Holesum refleckshun 
 dizzyplins the mind and tends to perdooce resignashin. 
 
 Fresh troops from the North, rayther raw, but as plucky as 
 game chickens, is arriving continally, and purty sun we shell 
 hev four hundred thousand men on the line of the Potomac, the 
 Rapid Ann, and the Rapperhammock. Pope is in advance, 
 with Burnside and his Peninslur boys lyen behind him, and 
 on his right, and the fo is on the uther side of the Rapperham- 
 mock waitin for the river to fall to go in. Ef it hedent a ben for 
 the risen of the waters, a bluddy encounter would hev cum olf 
 last week, and its oney postponied tell the bilen torrent simmers 
 down and parshilly dries up. In the meantime thars plenty of 
 gkrimmidging in frunt, and Pope hes tuck, altogether, about, a 
 thousand prisners, and mought be considerd as dooin remark- 
 ably well ef he hedent lost his plans and despatches. 
 
 Thars a report in our lines to-night that the Seecesh Ginral 
 Ewell has been wiped out by Captin Lacy in a fight at Bar- 
 nett's Ford, about twenty miles from Fredericksburg. I send 
 you the story for wot its worth, witch is probly about the vally 
 of a three cent stomp arter its ben throo the mail. 
 
 Hopin that we may sun meet the rebels with a sooperiur 
 force on our side, and wollup em tell they take the oath of
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 185 
 
 a legions, and giv us a duebill for the eggspenscs we hev incurd 
 in bringin them back to resin and the pershoot of happiness, 
 I remain, in deep thort, 
 
 Tours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER,. 
 
 No. LXV. 
 
 [Bitter are the words of our gallant old correspondent this 
 week ; but they are bitterly true. He only says what thousands 
 think. A more loyal citizen than he does not breathe ; but he 
 makes a distinction, it seems, between loyalty to the Govern- 
 ment and an indiscriminate indorsement of the acts of those who 
 administer it. EDS.] 
 
 ,.i ALEXANDEY, September 3, 18G2. 
 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerTcary : 
 
 I hev jest cum over here from Washington, whar, for the last 
 three days, I hev ben actin as a naid to the surgin-ginral and 
 his staff, who hes ben overheadandears in surgycall bizness, in 
 consekens of the continual pourin in of the wowndecl ever senst 
 the retreat from Bull Ran to Centreveal. Pope is fallin back at 
 a purty actyve pace, and it seems from the hevvy skrimmidge 
 near Fairfacts Court-House on Munday night that a considabul 
 outlyiu boddy of the eneinees troops was then closter to Wash- 
 ington than he was. Sum thinks they'll be ketched in a snair ; 
 uthers allows as Pope will be attactcd in frunt by Lee, while 
 Jackson bumbards his rare, and that atween the two his numer- 
 us files will be held as in a vice ; but I trust it will prove vicey- 
 versy. The seecesh univarsally pretends to take the latter vew 
 of the case ; but I gess theyre oney blowin, blast em. One 
 thing's sartin, howsever; that cunnin old rebel bird Ginral 
 Jackson, got Ginral Reno inter an ambush on Munday evenin 
 down to Fairfacts, and tho the rebels was finerly druv in, a 
 hull divishin cum all-critical near bein cut off, besides loosin the 
 brave Kearny and Stevens, two as thurrowbred heroes as ever 
 fit for the old flag senst she was fust uniurld on the battle fecld of 
 Saratoga eighty-three years ago. 
 
 It must be confest that matters at present wares raythcr a 
 gluuimy aspic, and it seems as ef the old sarpint was dooin his 
 all-sulfurus utmost to help the rebel cawse. I spoge he simper-
 
 186 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 thises with it on ackount of his hevin ben a traitor hisself and 
 compeld at an airly peeriud in the Dark Ages to skecldadle afore 
 the charge of the Excelsior Brigade of Pairodice to the unhelthy 
 lowcashin war he now hangs out. But altho Sinsinnaughty is 
 threttened by the blastfeemin rebels with the fate of the cities of 
 the Plain, and Merryland, in consekens of Jackson's reported 
 bender, is blevd by naenny to be in a grevus strait, me and 
 my cherful and mayjestic frend, the lofty and lively Lincoln, 
 hes still the strongest confidens in the ultimut tryump of the 
 Union arms. Legs talliom's he ses will sun be the order of the 
 day, and he hops, to use his own sublime eggspresshin, " that 
 the six hunderd thousand men now runnin regairdless of eggspens 
 to the reskyou of thar kentry, will sunner or later return to the 
 peaceful walks of civil life." Nuther him nor me bleves that 
 the cabbynet imbersillity and milentary jelassy and want of 
 gumpshin, is goin to swomp the Union ; and we dont mean to 
 bleve it ontil Washington is tuck by storm, Bawltomore surren- 
 dered, Sinsinnaughty conflagrated, and a conkerin Suthern army 
 on root for Philadelphy and New York. 
 
 It is cheerin to refleck that the last battle of Bull Run hes not 
 been follered by wus consekenses than the fust. Ginral Pope hes 
 trod ackeritly hi the footsteps of his illustris predecesher Ginral 
 Macdoill vamosin from Bull Kun to Oentreveal, from Centreveal 
 to Fairfacts, and from Fairfacts to Washington, whar I persoom 
 lie will arrive to-day or to morrer. The former wun of the 
 modestest men in the anny, and remarkabul for the number of 
 prisners he takes announst a trernenjus victry at Bull Run, jest 
 as Ginral Macdoill hed dun afore him, and tuck the back track 
 by way of Centreveal, Fall's Church and Fairfacts, perzackly in 
 the same way oney Macdoill's pace was rayther lower down 
 among the forties than Pope's. I persoom, howsever, ef Pope 
 hedent hed them seventeen thousand prisners to restore to libty, 
 as he marveld along, he mought hev ekwild the time of that 
 gentmanly ginral. 
 
 I call him gentmanly, bekase the rebels sed he was a gentman 
 and respeckted his baggidge as setch at Catlett's Stashin, and 
 they oughter kno. The Army of the Potomac will mebbe be to- 
 night about in the persishin it was in prevus to marchin outer 
 the fedral capital for Richmound more'n a year ago "singin 
 sams and hime of tryump", and wunst agin we hev the onspeak- 
 abul happiness of lamin arter spendin twelve hunderd niillyuns 
 of dolors and using up two hunderd thousand men, that " the 
 guveruient feels satisfied that Wasliinton is saift." In coarse ef
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 187 
 
 the guverment is satisfied the peeple must be satisfied. How in 
 the name of desputism and Fort Laugheryet ken they be enny- 
 thing else ! 
 
 I seen considabul of my venabul and farseeshus frend the 
 President doorin the short time I was in Washington, and am 
 happy to state throo your collumes, to the popolashin of this 
 continent and the nashins of the airth in ginral, that his Eggsel- 
 lensy is as spry as a cricket. The keers of State doosent peer to 
 hev dampt his sperrits a mite, and notwithstandin the desputes 
 of his ginrals and the divishins in his cabbynet, wittyschisms 
 continnees to flow from his flewent lips without sesashin, as 
 ushil. He axed me yestday when I called to make my adoos at 
 the White House, " why thar was a ditfrence atwixt Admiral 
 Goldsburrow and the hero of the Battle of Lake Erie." I re- 
 liiarkt that it was prchaps bekase the latter'went in and won, 
 and the former oney went out and wonderd. 
 
 "No," ses the distingwished Head of the Commonwelth, "no 
 sirree ! it is bekase Admiral Goldsburrow hesn't got no Perry 
 Cranium.' 11 I hop the Naval Charnpyun of Hamton Roads wont 
 think it nessary to resine on ackount of this harmless joak, and 
 I dont think he will, for its purty much the same with oflishal 
 foo-foos now, as it was in old Hickory's time, " few dies and nun 
 resines." 
 
 It will no dout be a consolashin to the down-harted kentry in 
 the present tryin crysis to larn that her eggsellensy, the lady 
 Presidentess, is in salubrus helth, and drives about in a butiful 
 bayrush and pair, with et ceterys, lucking as paytryotic witch 
 she is as ef she hedent a traitor relashin in the world. She is 
 a remarkabul wumman ; not so slim as the Empress Euginny ; 
 nor so tall as the Empress of all the Hushes ; nor so short as 
 Queen Victory ; but combinin all thar kwalities of mind and 
 person in a manner that it is diffikult to deskribe. Fearin I 
 should be onabul to do the subjeck jestice, I shall not attempt it ; 
 but ef the publick mind will take the trubble to imadgin the 
 stately grace of the two continental empresses and the benignitty 
 of the iland queen, kinder malgamated and mixed up and 
 mouldied altogether, they may begin to reallies what noboddy 
 but a poick, with his eye in a fine frenchy rollin, could adak- 
 witly deskribe. N. P. Willis mought do it, but setch flites of 
 fancy is not for Disbanded Volunteers. 
 
 Prehaps you and your readers may be a triful sprised at my 
 usin tituls of honor iii speakin of the Eggseggati\e fammaly, but 
 sech is the tendency of the times. Things is gitten inter a
 
 188 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 monarky way allmity rapid at Washington, and it lucks now as 
 ef we should desput snn have a reglar desputism. Not as the 
 guverment means it. Oh no ; but sumhow or uther the sira- 
 plesity of our republican system, and the saiftgards of the con- 
 stitooshin, is going to the devil about as fast as omshal presump- 
 shin and lawless insolens ken drive em. I dont no but merely 
 for ritin this letter I may be sent to sum Barsteel with a letter de 
 catchit, and that you may be offered your choice atween the Rip 
 Raps and the Dry Tortoogus, for prentin it ; but ef it should be 
 so we shell at least hev the satisfackshin of feline in our harts, 
 that thars few lyaler men than ourselves outer jail. 
 
 This place is in a hubbub day and night with the sound of 
 wheels and the vices of teamsters and ambulance drivers. What 
 with the shoutin of troops cummin in and goin out, the milen- 
 tary bands, the yells of drunken stragglers, and cetery, I should 
 say that Alexaudry, jest now, cuinpairs onfavorably with the 
 Tower of Babbel in the wust crysis of the unknown tungs. 
 Hopin for a seeceshin of the deafenin row when we hev silenst 
 the row of seeceshin, I remain, distracted in brain, but lyal in 
 hart, Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXVI. 
 
 [We rejoice to learn, from the subjoined letter, that the Presi- 
 dent, sick and no wonder ! of his point-no-point Cabinet, and 
 of political humbugs generally, has concluded, in the present 
 critical state of affairs, to advise with our straightforward, sharp- 
 minded correspondent. Would lie had adopted this course 
 sooner ! Now that the head of the nation and our long-headed 
 friend have laid their heads together, we shall look for more 
 vigor hi the conduct of the war. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, September 11, 1862, 
 Eddyturs of tJie Sunday Merkary : 
 
 My asspkashins is disappinted. Long ear now I eggspected 
 to hev ben on the march ; but I upbrayed noboddy. When 
 Ginral Maclellin, onshagrinned by the loss of Virginny, started 
 in the airly part of the week to reconker Merryland, it was his 
 airnest wish that I should ackurnpany Mm on the path of glory.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 189 
 
 " Disbanded," ses he, " I hev allus leaned onto you more'n all 
 the rest of my staff. Nex to my wife," ses he, in a tone of tender 
 emoshin, " you hev my warmest affeckshin and regaird, and I 
 want to hev you allus at my bridal reign." 
 
 But it warn't to be. It was my fate to be a nobjeck of compe- 
 tisliin. About an hour arter this flatterin conversashin, a messin- 
 ger arrove on a fomin steed from the White House, with a rekwest 
 from my eggsalted frend, His Eggsellency the President of the 
 Remainder of the United States, for an immedient intervew on 
 nayshinal bizness. Singlar to relate, on reachin the fedral 
 manshin, its Presidin Genus, arter axin me, with his ushil curt- 
 sey, " how I flurrished", addrest me in nearly the same lang- 
 widge as Ginral Maclellin dun, oney a triful more dignified. 
 
 " D. V.," he remarkt, throwin his left leg over the back of wun 
 of Mrs. Lincoln's new droring-runi cheers, with that winnin 
 grace for witch he is notoryus, " D. V.," old feller, you musn't 
 go to the Upper Potomac with Maclellin, for I hev more confi- 
 dens in you then in all the bullheads in my cabnet. Salmon 
 Chase, to be sure, is well enuff," he continned, " but I kant go 
 Seward ; . and as to the funkshinary of the '"War Department, 
 he plays setch a game of cross porpuses that its onpossabul to 
 make head or tail of the flounderin critter. But you, D. V.," 
 ses his eggsellency, " you, old hoss, air of a diffrent stripe. Let 
 alone Mrs. L.," ses his eggsellency, " thars noboddy to hoom I 
 ken unbuzzum myself in privit as I ken to you." 
 
 " But my simperthetic frend," I replide, " ef I back out of this 
 raid inter Merryland, my cumraids will overwelm me with 
 satyr." 
 
 " They be splinterd !" ses he, carrickteristically ; " when the 
 boss puts down his foot and ses ' this is your post,' wot need you 
 to keer for thar brashy railin." 
 
 I yielded, for I felt that to leve the rooler of the nashin, at 
 setch a moment, would be hard lines. I couldent abandun him 
 to the tender marcies of his vassalatin constitooshinal advisers. 
 It would hev ben like deprivin him of his backbone. Twyste a 
 day, mornin and evenin, a solentary hossman, gray-headed, but 
 full of gumpshin, may be seen ridin in deep fhort over the Long 
 Bridge in the direckshin of Washington. That's me. My dus- 
 tynashin is the White House, whar I remane in consultashin 
 with the President from the hour of my arrival ontil his eggsel- 
 lency goes to sleep. I hev dun sum good allready. It was by 
 my advice that Burnside was sent out to feel the enemee, and 
 that Pope, by way of a flyer, was railed, by the neardest rout, to
 
 190 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 tuther side of Jordan. By Jordan, I mean the Mussysippi. At 
 my slisitashin, too, Macdooil, the hero of two slashin defects, was 
 dispatched to parts onknown, to remane tell called for ; and ef 
 you should hear, in the Lord's good time, that Stanton's nose 
 was outer jint, you won't be far rong in sirrnysin that I hed a 
 hand in its dislickashin. 
 
 We I refer to this individyal and the Honabul Abe air dooin 
 what we ken to pervent the grate commershil States of the North 
 from fallin a pray to the ongodly invaders. Ef possabul, Phila- 
 delphy will be saved, bekase, in case Washington and Bawlto- 
 more is tuck, the President and Mrs. Lincoln prepose to set for 
 cumpany thar doorin the gay seesin. Ef, howsever, the Kee- 
 stone State should be capterd by the ragged cusses, who in settin 
 foot on our sile declared thar intenshin to " conker a piece," the 
 illustrus fedral pair will adjern to New York tell the openin of 
 the spring camppain, and will probly ockipy ether the Acadmy 
 of Musick or the Cooper Institoot, while the members of the 
 cabnet will be accomrnydated at the Blind Asylum. I bleve the 
 President would prefer retirin to Springfield, whar he belongs ; 
 but that would be rayther resky, bekase ef the rebels seesed Sin- 
 sinnaughty the grate commershil meatroplis of the West he 
 mought hev to depend eggscloosivly on Illanoy for rnilentary 
 suckers. 
 
 We hope, howsever, to turn the tables onto the rebels, smash 
 thar picters ! Maclellin is arter em in Merryland with a sharp 
 stick, and ef he doosent stop to dig, thousands of em will find a 
 bluddy grave on this side of the Potomack. My own pinyun is 
 that thar present incurshin is oney a faint, and, in fack, the last 
 dispatch from the seat of war ses they air fallin back. The 
 report that thar lines reeches from Sinacur Crick to Munggum- 
 mery Court House is considerd mung news, and I persoom thar 
 numbers in Prence George hes ben magnifide ekwil to Falstaff s 
 Lincoln Green Men, -in his lyin yarn to Prence Henry. Wot 
 Lee and Longstreet is up to is to dror our forces inter the iiiteer- 
 yur of Merryland. and then pitch inter us at Washington with 
 rnebbe a hunderd and fifty thousand men. Ef Maclellin, Burn- 
 side, Fits John Porter, Banks, and Hindsellman doos thar duty, 
 that game's blocked, and the Jeffocracy is in an all-exscrewshi- 
 atin fix. Its a golclin chain or a wooden leg, as the sayin is. 
 The Corufedracy is ether on the eve of a grand triump or an 
 everlastin kullaps. 
 
 In the meenthne, let the peeple, when they assembul in thar 
 places of publick wurship, and evry night and inornin in thar
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 191 
 
 privit devoshins, try to pray a little common sense inter the head 
 of the War Department, and all strategy outer the heads of our 
 ginrals in the feeld. As to the President, He take keer of him ; 
 and, notwithstandin his onrepressabul humor,-! hev sanguinary 
 hopes of convincin him, in the eend, that this war is sumthin 
 beyant a joak. Starnly and sorrerfully, I remane, 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. LXVH. 
 
 [Since the President has been guided by the advice of our 
 sagacious correspondent, everything seems to have gone well. 
 Let us hope he may continue to turn a favorable ear to the Dis- 
 banded's words of wisdom. We invite attention to the conversa- 
 tion between D. V. and A. L. at the White House. EDS.] 
 
 WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, ) 
 
 DEESTRICK OF COLUMBY, September 18, 1862. ' 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerTtary : 
 
 The hull ken try has reson to rejice that the able-minded Abra- 
 ham kep me back from the feeld of mortil comba.t to help organize 
 victiy. We hev dun the job ! thanks to Hallylooyer. We hev 
 redooced the Hiderheaded Rebellyun to the last eggstremity, and 
 by the time this reaches you, it is not onlikely that its tail will 
 be tolled. I am now settin in the President's privit parlor at the 
 White Hotise, opposit that accomplisht statesman and worrier, 
 who is onkonshusly to hisself carvin the inishals of his immortal 
 name onto the back of a rosewood teet-a-teet. We air awaitin 
 glad tidings from the Upper Potomac the last ackounts bein 
 that Longstreet was hemmed inter a cool de sack, and would be 
 bagged immediently. I think, from the moshin of his hand, as 
 he whittles the teet-a-teet, that his Eggsellency feels the least 
 mite narvous ; but he hesent enny call to be. Howsever, I'll 
 test the state of his thortful and actyve mind by a few inderoga- 
 tories, and give you the conversashin jest as it cums off. Hear 
 goes : 
 
 D. V. My responsabul frend, wot is your onbyassed opinyun 
 of the last tellagram from Harassburg. It ses " the rebellyun is 
 virtuously subdoocl." 
 
 A. L. (shelling his nife and assumin a statesmanlike apperience
 
 192 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 ginally). "Wall, Disbanded, the tenner of the advices would 
 seem to indicate a ten-strike. But the forten of war is onsartin, 
 eggsept for army contractors. Hooker was wownded in the foot 
 while chasm the fo, witch is rayther agen his cummin up with 
 em, tho he's not the man to make lame eggscuses for not puttin 
 the best leg foremost. Then its menshint as wun of the Hills is 
 taken, but as the Cornfedrits ockypied a ridge of hills a mild and 
 a hafe long, its onpossabul to say wether the wun that's tuck 
 cummanded enny of thar persishins. Upon the hull , the probility 
 is that ef the rebel army lies been forced to the Potomac, and ef 
 the river hes riz as reported, it will uther sirrender or be stript 
 of everything, and hev to swim for bar life. 
 
 D. V. Wai sed, my seckind Washington ! Your conclooshins 
 from the flyin darter of the tellagraft is wurthy of the Father of 
 his Kentry in the days that tried men's soles. Wot's your offishal 
 estimit of Ginral Maclellin about these days, my Paytryotic 
 Trump? 
 
 A. L. Maclellin eh ? (pullin his left whisker as ef he was a 
 milkiu), wal I think he's gin the Freemounters Jessie, as Avell as 
 treted the rebels to a lofty fall. But in a fight, much depends on 
 keerful backers. Mebbe ef Stanton hed ben his bottle-holder, 
 insted of Halleck, he mought hev ben fibbed down, as he was on 
 the Peninslur. 
 
 D. V. Gess youre right thar my junior Hickory. Stanton's a 
 fine feller a kinder feller in fack that would stand at a man's 
 back and see his brains blown out without budgin a har's bredth ; 
 but upon the hull I don't crave to fight under his asspieces. 
 Onderstand me, howsever, I hev nuthin to say agin the Seckatry 
 of War. Far from it. I consider him a plesent man for a small 
 party, and as his party is the smallest out, I dessay they hev a 
 good time together. 
 
 A. L. D. V., youre a sinnick ; but I kant kwarrel with you, 
 bekase ef it hedent a ben for you and Halleck, I dunno but Jeff 
 Davis mought now hev ben in the White House, and me and 
 Mrs. L. onhappy fudgetives. Is thar ennything I ken do for you ? 
 Would you like to go inter the Cabnet, or hev a swoord of 
 honor gin to you, or a contrack, or be a minster to Saint James, 
 or a consol, with a chanst to put yourself in funds for life, or a 
 Bragadear Ginral, or an Injun Commislliner, or a Rare Admiral 
 or a United States Tresherer with the run of the mint and no 
 kwestins axed, or a colonizin agent for the Contrabands, or my 
 sucksessor to the Presidensb.il Cheer, or 
 
 D. V. (interruptin the catalog). Nary wun, my buzzum frend,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 193 
 
 nary wuii. Ive seen enuff fishul raskality, meanness, jellysee, 
 hatred, maliss, and oncharitabulncss scnst this war commenst, to 
 feel that the oney post of honor is the privit stashin. line nuthcr 
 a politishin nor a parricide ; and I dont want ether to belong to 
 the aristocracy or the democracy, but jest to the mediocracy, 
 witch doosent keer a red for purpel and fine linnen, but isent 
 abuv sope and water and waring clean shirts. 
 
 A. L. (with a deep sithe). Say no more, D. V., say no more ; 
 you put me in mind of Pope's lines I mean the poick, not the 
 major-ginral : 
 
 "A wit's a fether, and a cheef's a rod, 
 An honest man's the noblest work of God." 
 
 Bein all three myself, I ken feelingly subscribe to the truth of 
 the cupple it. 
 
 MESSINGER BOY FROM THE TELLAGRAFT OFFICE (rushin in 
 with sawsir eyes, in a fewroar of eggsightment). Sir-r-r ! Gent- 
 men ! Nuther dispatch ! Ginral Longstreet's killed and Ginral 
 Cobb's a prisoner. 
 
 A. L. That boy, D. V., reminds me of a reuiarkabul insident. 
 Menny years ago, when I was navigatin the Ohio as a flat 
 
 SECKIND MESSINGER BOY (in a perfoose pressperashin). Mr. 
 President nuther dispatch ! Ginral Longstreet isn't killed, but 
 he's tuck, and Ginral Cobb's wownded. 
 
 A. L. Blame these boys, wot boyant sperrits they hev. Wai, 
 as I was sayin, when I was navigatin the Ohio as a flat boatman, 
 many pears ago, the craft got aground and my mate, sez he, 
 Old Stick-in-the-mud 
 
 THIRD MESSENGER BOY (pantin heavily). Nuttier dispatch ! 
 Burnsides turnt Jackson s flank and is pressin onto his rare. 
 Porter is shellin Cobb, and Franklin lies gin Lee thunder and 
 lighten. Hooker's wownd is easier, and he is agin in ackshin 
 with his foot in a sling. 
 
 A. L. (throwin him a postage currency). Thats the way to 
 mall em ! But whar was I ! O ! I remember my mate, ses he, 
 Old Stick-in-the-mud, are you awar why you run aground ? No, 
 ses I. Ses he, its bekase thars no reliance to be placed on the boys, 
 pintin to the flotin bekins in the channel. You see the nub of 
 the joke I spose. The tellagraft is a mity unsartin channel of 
 informashin, and it wont do to trust to tJie boys. He ! he ! he ! 
 
 D. V. (as in duty bound). Ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! 
 Tiger-r-r!!!
 
 194 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 ALEXANDRY, September 19, 1862. 
 
 Shortly arter the President had tinisht his apropo story, vic- 
 tries began to cum in so everlastin thick, that it was enuff to 
 drive the most flegmatic Unionists inter a state of halloocynashin, 
 so I seezed my hat and vamosed in eggstacy, leavin the Presi- 
 dent singin the Star Spangled Banner at the top of his vice, 
 witch is purty high, and keepin time with the heels of his boots 
 on the senter table. 
 
 It is onnessary to rekapitalate the sperrit stirrin noose of- 
 to-day, as you will hev all the tremenjus tryumps over the 
 wires, as fast as the eneinee is anialated, and cut to pieces, and 
 taken prisners, and sent to the rare utterly demoralized to take 
 the oath and rally wunst more under the old flag. 
 Fateeged with glory, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXVIII. 
 
 fThe Disbanded is not an egotist. Far from it. He simply 
 wishes to be credited with his own thunder, and he insists that 
 the Emancipation Proclamation (except the spellin and pronun- 
 ciation) is his thunder. We give him an opportunity to do him- 
 self justice in our columns. He seems to disclaim Proclamation 
 No. 2 even more emphatically than he claims Proclamation No. 
 1. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, VIRGINNY, September 26, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Wai, wot do you think of Abraham Lincoln's style of runnin 
 the niasheen onder my foremanship ? We air a teem and a hafe 
 and a bull tarrier atween the ropes, and no mistake. That Nig- 
 ger-rnanspayshin dockament was a sockdolager, warnt it ? Its 
 sum I tell you, and ef it doosent eend the war afore nex summer 
 *;he blacks will be sure to rise in the fall. Luck at the norrnus 
 ixseshins its goin to bring to the army from the abelishinist 
 /anks. Them nine hunderd thousand aunty-slavei's thats ben 
 n standin with thar guns loaded and capt, thar bagnets fixt, and 
 '.liar legs lifted for a start on the dubbel kwick for the last eighteen 
 vaunts, waitin for jest setch a proclamashiu, will in coarse all
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 195 
 
 speak to wunst and demand to be led agin the enemee. I per- 
 soom they air now rushin in -crowds to all the Nuthern recrutin 
 stashens, blessin me and Abraham Lincoln, and resolved to 
 kiver tharselves with uniforms and glory. Let em cum don't 
 stop em pervide transportashin for all of em and dont ax em 
 whether they go for the Union as it was or it wasent, as it is or 
 it isent ; but take advantage of thar fewroar and let em go in 
 outer the draft! The kullerd peeple eggspects em, rain or 
 shine, and Cashus of Kaintucky will cross the Rubygun with 
 em, and sink or swim, survive or perish in the atternp. A proc- 
 lamashin as brings nine hundcrd thousand men inter the feeld is 
 a dockament that 11 live, as the poick ses, " to the last syllabub 
 of recorded Time." Rich Loo was right " In the hands of men 
 entirely great," like Abe and Me, " the pen is miteyer'n the 
 swoord !" 
 
 Senst the abuv parrygraft was writ, a frend of mine, a feller 
 who is allus puttin a spoke inter other peoples weals, hes stept 
 in and subjested a diffrent vew of the case. He allows that the 
 abelishinists heving nuthin at hart in this war but the onfetterin 
 of the kullerd race, will dekline takin up arms ontil arter the 
 1st of January, for fare of fritenin the Suthern States and 
 causen em to return to thar a legions ; tharby preveutin the 
 oufortnit slaves from bein " thenceforrard and forever free." 
 Consekently, he argoos, no help need be eggspected from that 
 kwarter ontil arter New Years. But I dont bleve it. It kant 
 be as the luv of the Manspayshunists for men of Afrikin dissent, 
 is parryrnount to thar luv of this blessed Union. As to usin this 
 plee as a subterfudge in order to keep clar of danger (as the 
 feller hinted when he Avas goin away) that I wont credit. Sar- 
 tainly no American would plead affeckshin for the race of Ham 
 as an eggscuse to save his bacon. I tharfore dismiss the insin- 
 nerashin from my mind tho I kant help wishin the infarnal 
 croker heclent a put the thing in that light, for it haunts me. 
 
 The proclamashin is shoor to create a perfouud sensashin 
 abrord. It kennot fail to shet up Lord Pamstun like a jack-nife 
 and thro the Darby cleek inter a state of asfixyou. Both perfes- 
 ses to be willin to go the hull hog for the eggstinkshin of human 
 bondage, and thar oney avoud resin for bristlin up agin the 
 North so fur, hes ben that while dcprivin the wurld of cotton 
 we warnt tryin to make wool free. The new state paper got 
 up by Abraham and Me, nocks (hat stool from onder em, and 
 they must uther take our side now, or sobside inter everlastin 
 oblokwee and contemp. It will be likewise the same in France.
 
 196 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 We hev taken the wind outer the sails of both guvennents, and 
 they must uther change thar toon tords the North, or they'll 
 hev the peeple in thar har and git thar combs cut afore they 
 know it. 
 
 The press is a great and solem instooshin the Playdum of 
 our Libties and the Bullwork of this Oxidental Land of Free- 
 dom* but sumtimes its allcussed mean. I dessay, now, that 
 sum of your New York papers will try to make thar reeders 
 bleve that the Cabnet hed a hand in the proclamashin. Wun, 
 mebbe, will say that it is marked with the perfound depth of 
 Welles, anuther that it is in the Chaste stile of the Seckatry of 
 the Tresury, and a third that it sounds like Blare ; but wunst for 
 all let setch invidyus prents be gin to onderstancl that I rit it 
 myself, with no help from nobody, and that Abraham Lincoln, 
 God bless him! punctured the sentences and korrected the 
 spellin. We alone are the orthurs, and We take the respons- 
 bility. I hed great difficulty in preventin the President from 
 making a foo-foo of hisself, by takin the advice of his Cabnet on 
 the subjeck, but I suckseeded. I dont crave enny man wurship 
 for my sarvices, howsever. I am satisfied with deservin well of 
 my kentry, and dont hanker arter sickofancy and serenades. 
 
 But I kant allus be with my buzzum frend the President. I 
 hev other dooties, witch it is onpossible for me to shirk with a 
 clar conshence, that ockashinally prevents my bein at his elbo. 
 On setch ockashins, advantage is tuck of his amabel weak- 
 nesses, by a passel of pollytickle tinkers as doosent no thar a-b, 
 abs in the skience of statemanship. Frinstance, when I was off 
 to Bawltoinore on milentary bizness, this week, he was over- 
 perswaded to issoo anuther proclamashin, witch I am afcard he'll 
 hev cause to repent to his dyin day. I mean, in coarse, the des- 
 polick dockamint as puts privit citysins in the North onder 
 marshil law, and subjecks em to be tried and punisht by milen- 
 tary commishins, for sayin or dooin ennything witch in the 
 opinyun of provost marshals and setch is calkilated to discur- 
 riclge inlistraents. I shed teers when I seen that in prent 
 weepin partly for my freend, and partly for my kentry. Its 
 onconstitooshinal, onnessary, and onjest, and I should say the 
 same to that esteemabul man, Marshal Kenaclay, even onder the 
 penalty of bein ackommodated with lodgins in Sell number 
 Four for the night. The North doosent rekwire to be put onder 
 
 * Livin so mutch in diplomatic sirkils, wun gets a habit of usin high-flown 
 langwidge. D. V.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 197 
 
 marsliil law at the marcy and discreshiu of provost-marsbil's 
 gards. Howsever, I hope to get the President uther to revoke 
 the order or to eggsplain it away. 
 
 In the meantime, and with the firm bleef that the price of 
 Libity is etarnul vidgelans, I remain, as ushil, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. LXIX. 
 
 [Our bold, saucy, irrepressible, pithy, pertinent, piquant, racy 
 and quaint correspondent opens particularly rich in the following 
 letter. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, Virginny, October 3, 18C2. 
 Eddytura of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Ef the President could spar me, Ide a heep rayther be fightin 
 in the feeld then civilly ernploid here. Howsever, as we air 
 hand and gluv, and he leans onto me as a disintrusted frend, I 
 must see him throo ; tho bobbin around in these red-tape rejins 
 doosen soot an old worrier whoos bizness it is to face his kcntry's 
 foes on the battle-plane and kiver hisself with the green baize of 
 victry. I couldent, you no (leastways not onably), throw up 
 my hand and leve honest Old Abe to go it alone agin the Artful 
 Dodgers as is continally tryin to sarcumvent him. It wouldent 
 tell well in histry ; and I want to bequeeth a clean rcckord to 
 my bihographer.?, and go down to the futur as sumthin better'n 
 a mere stypendry. 
 
 Noboddy as isent behind the seens ken reelize the dance His 
 Eggsellency is led by woolves in sheep's clolhin, and ef it 
 warnt for me, thars no sayin wot orful false steps he mouglit be 
 inveggled inter. All sorts of spurus stuff is coined by party 
 shysters, in order to put him on a rong cent, but I ken smell a 
 rat as i'ar as the next man, and he nose it ; consekently he ginolly 
 relies ou me for the truth in doutful cases, and could I be per- 
 petally at his side, thar'd be no dannger of his niakin enuy foe 
 pause. 
 
 But, a;3 1 internuited in my last, I can't allus be with the great 
 and good Abraham, altho I perfess to be his buzzuin frend. 
 Kernil Hamilton couldent allus be with the Father of his Ken- 
 try, you no ; and I stand purty much iu the same relashin to
 
 198 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Mr. Lincoln as the kernil did to Ginral Washington. I enjoy 
 the President's wittyschisms and egerly devour his wurds of 
 wisdom, but nater rekwires short intermisshins for refreshments, 
 even at theayters, and sircusses, and nigger pufforrnances, and 
 arter a pertracted dialog with the head of the nashin, full of 
 sourcasm and brilyant subjestins, its a wunderful relief to spend 
 a day or so in the Alezandry horspittles, skrapin lint, fixin 
 bondages, and admenisterin doses of muckory and ruebub. 
 
 On setch ockashins, sartain pollytickle letherheads ushilly 
 seeses the opportoonity to abuse the ears and thro dust in the 
 eyes of my eggsalted fiend. Sum of this preshus set pertickler 
 pals of wun dubble-faced Jimmy you may have heerd on was 
 all-cussed near gettin him to keep back his mansipashin mana- 
 fester, arter it lied ben sot up and red in the galleys ; but provi- 
 denshally I cum in from a ride to the Chain Bridge jest in time 
 to snap the links of the conspurracy, and save four millyuns of 
 blacks from the blues. I predicate they'll never hear of wot I 
 dun for em ; but ef they should, they needent send a depitashin 
 to thank me ontil the wether's cooler and the wind's nutherly. 
 I want em to be free, the Lord nose ; but senst it hes plesed 
 Hevin to form em out of ebony and me outer plaster of parish, 
 and to make uther essenshil diffrences atween us, Ide a leetle 
 rayther they kep thai-selves to tharselves. Notwithstandin the 
 ties of flesh and bind that links me to my bruthers in bonds, I 
 wouldent thro a straw in the way of sendin em to Haytie. Setch 
 also is the sentamens of the distingwished lumberman and 
 logishin who is desarvedly the idle of a free peeple. Jest afore 
 he started on Wensday to visit Maclellin at Aunteatem, we fig- 
 gerd out the colornisashin skeem in black and white, and found 
 it perfeckly feesable, ef Congress will oney make the nessaiy 
 appropriashins. Abe's estimit is as follers : 
 
 Provisions and clothin, fewill, and cetera, for 
 4,000,000 collard pussons, while arrangements is 
 making to ship em olf, say $50 each .... $200,000,000 
 
 Outfit for vige to the colorny, purchis of land, tools 
 and implyments of husbandry, eggspens of trans- 
 portashin, and supplies for 400,000.000 collard 
 pussons ontil the craps cums in, say $800 each . 1,200,000,000 
 
 Total . . . $1,400,000,000 
 
 The amount is not hevy, on paper (wotever it monght be in 
 gold)-, and could be prented off' by the time the prcclamashin is 
 practickly carrid out, and rnebbe afore, at little rnor'n the cost 
 of press-wurk. Let us, tharfore, release our opprest collard
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 199 
 
 brethren with as little delay as possabul, and send ein forth to 
 thar new hum with the kiss of peace, trustin to thar gratitoodto 
 reimbuss us as sun as they becuin a grate nashin. Peeple as is 
 inclined to make mountins of molehills may objeck to the out- 
 lay, but I think ef Ossawartomy Brown was alive he would 
 cpproov the projeck. The plan is as simpel as it is butiful. Its 
 oncy to conker the South, raze the funds, and " let my peeple 
 go'. 
 
 I hinted abuv that parties was alias on the luckout for my 
 abseus from the White House to take advantidge of the Presi- 
 dent s easy dispersishin. It was on wun of those ockashins that 
 Blare got his sankshin to that order of his'n discreditin all the 
 siled P. O. stamps, a perseedin that in my opinyun puts the 
 stamp of bad faith on the Department's deelins with the peeple. 
 The rich mayn't keer about bein stuck with a few adhesivs, 
 mebbe, but wot I luck at is the elfeck on the poor man's plasters. 
 Its a dirty trick, to say the leest of it ; enuff, by gum ! to make 
 the faces of Washington and Franklin blush for thar persishin. 
 Its my privit opiuyun that cf the order isent recinderd, thar 11 
 be a vakincy in the Cabnet purty recently. 
 
 I was over to Ginral Muclellin's head-kwarters at Harper's 
 Ferry on Thursday, and me and him and the President hed a 
 long and airnest confab. The result of our codgertashins was, 
 that the war must be pusht ahead like sixty. Within a few clays 
 arter this epistol reeches you, its not onlikely a bio may be 
 struck that will hev an electrick eil'eck on the kentry as far as 
 the wires eggstend. 
 
 Hopin you will keep on the key veeve for the latest noose, I 
 reinaue, and so doos the venabul Abraham, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. LXX. 
 
 [The Disbanded comes nobly to the rescue of his friend tJie 
 President, defending him most gallantly from the aspersions of 
 those malignant persons who represent him as playing a double 
 game in the present crisis. He also gives some remarkable 
 specimens of Mr. Lincoln's peculiar vein of humor. There is 
 one great merit in his letters. He writes veraciously, never
 
 200 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 drawing on his imagination for his facts as so many newspaper 
 correspondents do. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, VIRGINNY, October 10, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Its raytlier amewsin to see the curryspondeuts of the New 
 Tork daylies pretendin to giv the President's privit yews and 
 sentimens, when they hev no more chanst to get inter his konfi- 
 dense than Dives hed to lay off with Lazyrus in Abraham's buz- 
 zum. Thars jest wun man, and no more, to whoom the hole of 
 his hart is laid open, and to wlioom he livers his opinyuns on 
 State kwestins according to the varns lights in wich they pres- 
 ent tharselves to his onderstandiu. I am that individyal. You 
 probly red in childhood, or doorln the pecryud of addle essence, 
 the story of Valentine's fondness for Arson and vicey versey. 
 Well, the President is my Valentine. Correspondingly I am his 
 Arson. He looks upon me as his warmest frend, and never 
 while the spark of life glows in my brest shall he hev resin to 
 think utherwise. line sorry to say he is mutch traydooced by a 
 pack of knaves, who pertencl to say that he's playin a tricky 
 game with all parties. Its not so. He may be vassalatin, he 
 may hev his amabul weaknesses, his backbone may be rather 
 over soople, he may be -too mutch gin to the cherful anakdoat, 
 the loodickrus tale, and the light cannondrum, but his intensions 
 is fust rate they couldn't be fust rater ef he ockapied a manshin 
 in the skies insted of on Pennsylvany Avenoo. I no wot you 
 will say namely : that in the bottomless pit, the street commish- 
 iners use good intenshins to lay the sidewalks. But doos that 
 detrack from thar merits ? Not by no means. You mought as 
 well denounce postidge-stamps the oridgenal purpose of witch 
 was good bekase^they hev ben emplied improperly. A thing 
 may be eggsellent per gee, as the lawyers say, but yet not turn 
 out for the best by a darnd sight. 
 
 All men as holds high places is liabul to be salted by malig- 
 nant backbiters. It is the natur of setch critters to kick at whoo- 
 sumdever hes a seat of honor. The fust nateralist of his day 
 was orfully abused when he perclaimed a new system of classi- 
 fyin animils, and so, arter all, the lustrus >. t xtesmau of Illanoy 
 oney sheers the fate of the Great Buffoon. But enufi of this. 
 Valentine needs no defence from Arson. His ax speaks for thar- 
 selves. 
 
 I returnt here from the White House about an hour ago in Mr. 
 Lincoln's bayrush, arter heving ben in privit consultaskin with
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 201 
 
 him on matters of the highest moment for uppards of forty min- 
 nits. He sent for me eggpress by a speshil messenger, and on ar- 
 rivin, axed me to walk inter his Cabnet, wich I did, and he imme- 
 dientely shet the door, locked it, and hung his Sketch cloke and 
 cap over the key-hole to pervent as he sed in his commie way 
 enny of the whnmin fokes from Evesdroppin. We then shuck 
 hands corjally like two old cumraids as we air, and sot down to 
 airnest codgertashin. In less'n ten niinnits we decided on sar- 
 tain civil and milentary changes, witch you will sun see an- 
 nounced ofishally. Ef I warn't injoined to silence, I inought 
 state, prehaps, that thar would shortly be a desjunkshin of the 
 Cabnet, but as it is I say nuthin. Stanton's adherents would 
 feel bad ef they knew the Presdent warnt inclined to stick by 
 him enny longer. Mind, I dont say as thar acktilly is a prospect 
 of the Seckatry of War bein dropt ; I oney say ef. The frends 
 of Ginral Banks would no dout like to see him in Stanton's 
 shoos ; but ef such an arrangement was on foot mind, I say ef 
 it was on foot, not as it is it would be a breech of coufidens in 
 me to mcnshin it. Tharfore, as an onabul man, I shall keep 
 dark, and merely ventur a vaig hop that the resinabul wishes of 
 the nayshin may not be disappinted. 
 
 Arter we'd finisht up on Guverrnent bizness, my cggsegga- 
 tive frend releved his logical mind, as ushil, with a little far- 
 ceshy. Handin out from a cubbard a bottle of the essence of 
 Slungoheeler (for he nose I'm parshil to that tawny and tasty 
 flewid), he axed me what would be the most approprate place to 
 expatiate the blacks to. 
 
 Thinkin I smelt the joak, I winked my wether eye and sed 
 " to Scenterall America". He shuck his hed, so I overhauld my 
 jografy a seckind time, and thinkin Ide try Europe, I sed " the 
 Valley of the Oder". 
 
 Agin he signified dissent upon witch I revarted to the West- 
 ern Hernisfear, and remarked that mebbe the Colorahdo mought 
 soot our colored brethren when eggspelled from the pale of civil- 
 isashiu. 
 
 Wunst more he made a jester in the niggertive, upon witch I 
 gin it up. 
 
 He then eggsplaned that the most appropriate place to expati- 
 ate the contrabands to, would be Mountanegro, whar they would 
 have a chanst to rise in the world and would be within conveeni- 
 ent distans of a Sea of their own complexshin. 
 
 I remarkt that in the wurds of the poick, " the wurld was all 
 afore em whar to choose", but I hoped Providence wouldn't gide 
 9*
 
 202 WAE LETTERS OP 
 
 em ennywhars ucar my diggens. " Afriky," ses I, " is thar nate- 
 ral clime. Thar," ses I, kwotin poickry agin, 
 
 " Thar let ern blush onseen, 
 And waste thar sweetness on the desert air." 
 
 When I menshint Afriky, I notist that A. L.'s left eye gin a pre- 
 monitory twinkle, and as sun's Ide finisht speakin, he axed me 
 ef I know'd what kinder teas that continent perdooced. Bern 
 onabul to respond, he was kind enuff to inform me that it was 
 famous for its Congoes and its Ashanteas. I told him that ef he 
 hed to be expatiated to a furrin land, we should all know whar 
 to send him. He cort niy meanin direckly, and sed he sposed to 
 the Punjawb. Although blunt in his manners, he's all-amazin 
 sharp in his percepshins. 
 
 Noticin that I was about to indulge in a glass of whisky, he 
 inkwired, with his pqliar smild, why his joaks was like the 
 licker I was goin to swaller. It was beyant me, and I sed so, 
 upon witch he subjested that his joaks was like the licker I was 
 preparin to imbibe bekase they was pleasant-rye. You see the 
 pint I spose. 
 
 " But, my venabul frend," ses I, arter he hed got off the last 
 menshint stunner, " dont t you think that this kinder badinage is 
 onshootable in the preset momentuous cry-sis." 
 
 " D. V.," ses he, risin from his cheer and ketchin me by the 
 button, " D. V., you put me in mind of Wade, the cheerman of 
 Committee on the Conduck of the War. Sun arter Pope was 
 druv in by Lee," continned the President, " Wade called on me 
 and wanted to hev a serus tork on milentary aifcirs. Ses I to 
 him : ' Mr. Wade, you remind me of a man out West as hed a 
 sellybrated hoss ' ' Thunder ! Mr. President,' shouted Wade, 
 interruptin me, ' this ain't a time for you to tell stud-hoss stories ! 
 and, by Gosh ! I'm not the man to listen to em !' He was rushin 
 out mad as a hornet, but I called him back and got his dander 
 down, and we hed a reglar offishal palaver. When we got throo, 
 ses I to him : 'My Buckeye frend, ef wit was an artickle as went 
 by the pound, I gess you'd be Wade in the balance and found 
 wantin.' ' Yes,' he rejined (the sassy cuss), ' you'd hev the ad- 
 vantidge of me thar, Mr. President, for your joaks is a leetle the 
 hevyest as ever was mannyfacterd.' " 
 
 As his Eggsellency konclooded the foregoin anakdoat, I jumpt 
 from my seat, shuck hands with him hurridly, and, cornplainin 
 of a sudden attact of rnon.il insanity, left the presence. I raaly
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 203 
 
 bleve ef I lied remained three minnits longer I should never agin 
 have ben abel to remain, in a loocid condishin, 
 Yours alias, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXI. 
 
 [The countenance and friendship of the great is not without 
 its inconveniences. We see by a passage in the subjoined letter 
 from our correspondent at the seat of Government, that in con- 
 sequence of his intimacy with the President, he is continually 
 beset, through the mails, with applications to use his influence 
 with that distinguished personage in futherance of the private 
 ends of mercenary individuals. Many of the applications, it 
 seems, are accompanied by sums of money, which, we are 
 rejoiced to learn, he devotes to the noblest of all charitable 
 objects, the liquidation of the public debt. For the information 
 of the ignorant, we deem it due to our correspondent to say, 
 that he has never been in Congress, the New York Board of 
 Aldermen, or any of the Contract Bureaux of the Federal Gov- 
 ernment. It is therefore fair to presume that he is a gentleman, 
 and not a plundeim )nger. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, VIRGINNY, October 17, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The Cabuet is still in Statue Co. Practickly thars a vakincy 
 in the War Department, but its Head will not be remooved. 
 Thar air complaints of delays in the Navy Department, but it is 
 doutful wether we could cure these ills, by ousting Welles. In 
 the State Office thars so very little dooing jest now that the 
 Seckatry ken purshoo his privit game of pollytickle dubble- 
 shuffle without detriment to the publick intrests, and the port- 
 foolyou of the Inteeryur is in purty saift hands. A man of a 
 diflrent stompt to Blare mought do better in the Post Offiz ; but 
 as he is a feller of considabul gumshin in sum respecks, he will 
 be aloud for a while to stick to his post. Doorin the sickness of 
 Seckatry Chase, a strong effort was made by the consarvative 
 cleek to get him soopersedid ; but both the President and Me 
 sot our faces agea it in toe-toe, and I am ortherized to say thar
 
 204 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 will be no change in the Tresury prevus to the meetin of Con- 
 gress. This intelligens I persoom Avill he satisfactory to all as 
 hev finaushil dealins with the guverment, and will probly cause 
 an immcdient rise in public skeweritieg. 
 
 My worthy conipaytryit, the inestimable Abe, is mutch con- 
 Earned at the uppard tendency of gold. Bein as it is the rut of 
 all evil, he naterally sposed that its byass would be tuther way. 
 He asked rne yestday wether it would stop whar it was or con- 
 tinny on, to witch I replkle that it warent mutch consckens, as it 
 Jiecl ben for sum time outer sight. 
 
 " But how do you account for the fbenonaman ?" ses he. 
 
 " Wai," ses I, " the high appressiashin of gold is caused by the 
 low depressiashin of paper." 
 
 But he dident see it. Also he dident see why bekase gold 
 went up, flour, and coal, and bacon and uther cumoddities 
 should go up likewise. I eggsplained that gold was the stand- 
 ard of thar valley, and that cumoddities, like armies, was obli- 
 gated to foller thar standard. Pie nodded a cent to this doctrin, 
 and remaned for sevral minnits in deep thort. I shouldent be 
 sprised ef he was studdyin out a new fiskal sistem, for he 
 remarkt when he cum to that " a stop must be put to the nessa- 
 ries of life follerin in the track of gold, like guests at Niagara 
 footin it arter thar gide up Biddle's starcase." He's a remarka- 
 bul man, is my illustrus frend, and it wouldent astonish me 
 enny ef he was to subjest to Congress setch a bankin skecin as 
 would render the millyuns of dolors that's ben infested in the 
 suppreshin of the rebellyun, as sekewer as ef evry greenback 
 was in Abraham's buzzuin. In course ef he hes setch an idee, the 
 projeck will be submitted to me afore its submitted to the 
 Assembeld Wisdum, and I'll take keer you hev the outlines in 
 advance of any flunkey stealin em for the Herald. 
 
 High persishins hes thar dror backs. The fack that the Presi- 
 dent bleves in me, and as solely by my advice senst he diskiv- 
 ered the short cummings of his Cabnet, is givin me an all- 
 playgey sight of trubble. Grossly flatterin letters from polly- 
 tishins outer eniplyment, axing me to say a good word for em to 
 his Eggsellency, pores in at the rate of about hafe a gross a 
 day. Sum contanes demand notes, stiffcuts of deposit and setch. 
 The riters eggspect to "condaminate my fingers with base 
 bribes," as was simildarly dun with Cashus in the play. Misabul 
 raskils ! Darned fools too ! I send all thar " soap" to the Fust 
 Awditer of the Treshery, to help wash out the nayshinal det. 
 The subjined, witch I scleck at randum from a batch received
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 203 
 
 to-day, will sarve as a speciment of this interestin curryspond- 
 ence: 
 
 NEW YORK, Oct. 15th, 1862. 
 To THE DISBANDED VOLUNTEER : 
 
 Honored and Hispected Patriot: Permit a constant reader 
 and enthusiastic admirer of your graphic and eloquent letters 
 which are equaled by few and excelled by none, and which, if 
 published in book form with illustrations oy distinguished art- 
 isls, and properly introduced to the public by a liberal and 
 enlightened press, would create a sensation unknown since tho 
 days of Juuius to ask your kind offices with the President to 
 obtain for me a contract for the removal of warts from the 
 fingers of the army of the Potomac during the present and ensu- 
 ing season. It is as diilicult for the soldier troubled with warts 
 to handle his arms, as for the soldier with corns to handle his 
 feet. Even Dr. Zacharic must admit this. I have suggested a 
 period of profound repose for the performance of the operations, 
 in order not to interfere with the military movements which, it 
 is understood, are expected to take place if circumstances are 
 favorable during the ensuing summer. My idea of compensa- 
 tion for oblitcratin the excrescences is one thousand dollars per 
 hundred. I inclose a fifty as a mark of my esteem for your 
 great literary talents, and with the remark that there is more 
 where that comes from, I remain, with profound respect, 
 
 Yours ever, A. CAUTERY, M. D. 
 
 P. S. Of course you will not imagine that the trifle of which 
 I ask your acceptance as a tribute to genius, has any bearing 
 upon the frank request contained in this letter. Who would 
 ever dream of offering a bribe to one who adds to the prowess 
 of an Alexander the virtue of a Lucretia ! 
 
 P. S. 3d. Do not suppose that in paying a just compliment to 
 your transcendent abilities I am actuated by a parasitical desire 
 to flatter. My wife, the most candid, thoughtful, and simple- 
 hearted of her sex, is in raptures with your letters, and be 
 assured she is not one to " crook the pregnant hinges of the 
 knee," etc., etc. She requests me to say that she hopes when 
 you visit New York you will take dinner with us in a family 
 way. 
 
 Thar ! did you ever read setch sickenin sickofancy ? And I 
 am acktilly in the reseat of kwires of the same sorter stuff. I 
 want these fellers sot down. I want em to onderstand that Ime 
 a sojer and a gentman, and not a pollytickle pimp. Jest say so, 
 ef you please, in a conspeckuous place in your collumes. 
 
 And now as this epistol lies ben so far rayther of a grave kar- 
 rickter, I will wind up with a joak that my frend and pitcher, 
 the Admirable Abe, got olf this morniu as he was handin me a 
 pinch of snuff. 
 
 " D. V.," ses he, tappin the lid of the box that contained the
 
 200 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 pungent mixter, with a sourcastick smild, " why is snuffln like 
 praying ?" 
 
 I sirrenderd without an effort, upon witch he indikated that 
 sniveling was like prayin bekase it brort a man to Ms sneeze. 
 
 On refleckshin you will diskiver the pint but it takes time to 
 see it. Leavin the larf entirely to you, when you find out whar 
 it cums in, I remain in a state of kullaps, 
 Yours alias, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXIL 
 
 [We recommend the subjoined letter from our trustworthy 
 and patriotic correspondent to the thoughtful perusal of our 
 readers. It is at once grave and gay, lively and severe. Above 
 all, it is reliable. At a time when it is but too clear that the 
 majority of the Washington letter-writers draw exclusively 
 upon their imaginations for their facts, the simple and earnest 
 truthfulness of our venerable friend will be appreciated by the 
 public. It has been proposed to us by several prominent citi- 
 zens to open a subscription at our office, for the purpose of pur- 
 chasing a farm, or a church, or a bank, or a railroad, or some 
 other trifle of that nature, to be presented to the Disbanded as a 
 mark of the high esteem in which his disinterested services at 
 the seat of Government are held by the citizens of New York. 
 In his name we thank them ; but the profiler is useless. Simple 
 in his habits as Diogenes, and exalted in his virtue as Fabricius, 
 he has steadily, during a long and useful life, declined all such 
 compliments. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, VIRGINNT, October, 24, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Mrs. Ginral Maclellin is onderstood to hev left the army of 
 the Potomac bekase she found it too kwiet, and Her Eggsel- 
 lency Mrs. Lincoln hcs gon North in sairtch of a littel hulsum 
 eggsightment to releve the mannotany of Washington life. 
 Solem repose rains in the War and Navy Department, and 
 barrin the Treshury, where the Seckatry is continually chased
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 207 
 
 by guverment creditors ankslius to raise the wind, a deliteful 
 cam prevales, witch peers likely to last ontil the vernal equal- 
 nocks. It is sed that on Mrs. Lincoln's return to the seat of 
 Government we air to hev a coarse of theaytrickles at the Presi- 
 denshil Pallas, in which sevral distingwisht pursonages will take 
 pairt. In a peeryud of perfound trankwillity like the present, 
 sum littel artifishal steamalus raaly seems rcckwisit. The fust 
 peace will be "A New Way to Pay Old Dets", in witch Seckatry 
 Blare will take the roll of Sir Giles Overreach, the princypal 
 mail carrickter, a tenayshus old feller, who delivers his remark - 
 abul linanshil news to the awjence in an incoherent manner 
 with rnenny stomps. The interlo/xl is to be Bamboastes Furiosy, 
 with the Seckatry of War for the hero, but on ackount of the 
 present skarsity of shoos in the army of the Potomac, the boots 
 will be omitted. The hull to wind up with Rip Van Winkle, 
 in witch the Seckatry of the Navy hes kindly consented to 
 enact Rip, and it is thort his Sleepy Holler seen will be wonder- 
 fully troo to nater. Instead of the Flying Dutchman the pint 
 ship Alabammer will be interdooced with raal fire. The Seck- 
 atries of State and the Tresliery dekline to face the musick as 
 pufformers, but Mr. Seward will act as stage manager, and Mr. 
 Chase will giv out the checks. As the army is eggspected to go 
 inter quarters shortly, thar will no doubt be a large milentary 
 attendance. The proceeds is to be infested in swoords of honor 
 to be presented to the princypul struttygists of the age. 
 
 The President and me are dooin wot we ken to save the 
 Union, but as he trooly obsarves, its like the labor of Sissy- 
 fuss a fabalus feller as is engaged in the uphill work of rollin 
 a big stun up a mounting, witch is continally returnt on his 
 hands, so that it mounts to nuthin arter all. We did spose that 
 the Seecesh was so effeckshally chawed up by Uncle Sam at the 
 battle of Aunteatem that afore the winter commenst thar 
 wouldent be a grease pot left on em. But it peers the misabul 
 cusses doosent appreshiatc a lickin ; they jest take it, and walk 
 off singin " Dixie", leaviu us to berry thar ded. Sum think its 
 takin too much gunpowder in thar rum as blinds em to thar own 
 discomforter. Ennyhow, the more we thrash em the less they 
 seem inclined to acknolledge the corn. Decisive victries doos- 
 ent help us a might. The mane difficulty on our side peers to 
 be want of troops. We haint got mutch over three huuderd 
 thousand men in Virginny and Merryland, and re-eniorcements 
 oney arrives at the rate of three thousand a day ; consekently it 
 is nessary for our ginrals to stand strickly on the defensiv, and
 
 203 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 use the utmost precawshins to prevent a supprise, and gard agen 
 an invasliin of the North. 
 
 Setch is the opinyun of sum of our leadin milentary stars ; 
 altho the onclerstrappers of the rank and file doosent agree with 
 the shoulderstrappers in cuminand, on these pints. Onder these 
 delikit suckemstances, the President and me is not prepare! to 
 decide the kwestin whether the rebels ken or ken not be sum- 
 merally disposed of afore the winter sets in. In the meantime, 
 we reckymend the vox populie to keep cool while the draft is in 
 progress, and go to the poles in November with the fire of pay- 
 tryitism burnin in thar harts, and a firm determinashin to play 
 hob with the enemees of the Administrashin. Conker we must 
 in the eend. It is oney a kwestin of time, for, as the poick ses : 
 
 " A shindy, when its wunst begun 
 Bekweethed from rathy sire to son, 
 By sumbocldy is allus wun 
 Onless both parties cut and run." 
 Also 
 
 " Truth crusht to airth her legs regains, 
 
 The everlastin 'ears air hers, 
 But ef you nock out Error's brains, 
 They're of no more use'n a grasshopper's." 
 
 The buv kwoted standsirs is by the upright and inspired editor 
 of the Evenin Post, and peers to me to meet the case eggsackly. 
 I no peeple call him an abelishinest bekase he admires Uncle 
 Tom's Cabin, and rit a pome called " Than-a-Topseys," but he 
 tells hum truths in black and white, and bein sumthin of a poick 
 myself, I luck upon him as man and a bruther." 
 
 The exemplery Abraham and me lies hed rayther a jolly time 
 senst the aruabul and eggsellent lady of the Manshin hes ben on 
 her Nuthern tower. The rnungoheeler hes ben out of the cor- 
 ner cubbard freckwently, and I hev drunk her helth in whiskey 
 punch doorin her absens with great aciduity. My illustrus 
 frend hes no taste for punch, so I allus adjudycate his sheer to 
 myself, and I find the dubble doste considerbully lightens the 
 keers of state, and also helps me to comprehend his remarkabul 
 cauuondrums. When a man sees dubble its eesier for him to 
 see inter a dubble-intender. As we were settin in his sanktum 
 last eveuin, discussin the properiety of sendin out wun of the 
 fast beef boats to luck arter rebel priviteers, he axed me Avhy 
 Cappen Semmses vessel was shoor to cum to a bad eend. I 
 shuck my hed, signifyin it beat my time, upon witch he remarkt 
 that Cappen Semrnses vessel was shoor to cuin to a bad eend
 
 A DISBANDKD VOLUNTEER. 209 
 
 oekase 290 all us eended in naught. He also pcrpounded the fol- 
 lerin : 
 
 " Why was Semmses cruze arter the whaler Ocraulgee like 
 the story of the Widder's Cruze ?" 
 
 I backed down agen, when he informt me confidenshelly that 
 it was bekase the result was a vessel full of ile. 
 
 Sum may call this flippant ; but I find it plesant to hev the 
 dull rootin of bizness releved by setch flashes of saytire. 
 
 The President rekwests me to say sernmi-oiEshusly that we 
 shall save the kentry atween us, ef thars enny save to it, and 
 belevin thats its in us to do it, I remain, modestly, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXIH 
 
 fin the following letter the Disbanded expresses his own 
 views in his own way, and we are quite willing to give him the 
 opportunity to state them ; but it must not be inferred on that 
 account that we entirely agree with him. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, VIRGINNY, October 30, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The Army of the Potomac lies got its shoos and sum peeple 
 thinks it ougher to be puttiu its best foot foremost. Lee and 
 Lougstreet air retreatin, and ef they fool away thar time on the 
 road to Richmound and Maclellins regaird for his sojers corns 
 doosent pervent a forced march in thar new high-lows, you may 
 andizzypate a fight purty recently. But as new lether is apt to 
 dror the feet and corn salve is sed to be gettin skarse in the 
 Union ranks, a ginral forrard moovement may possably be post- 
 ponied until arter the result of the November eleckshins is 
 known. I bleve this is the opinyun of Dr. Zacharie and ulher 
 imminent shyrapidists, and they oughter no. Wunclerful ! 
 isent it, on wot seaming trifuls the most important events 
 depends. In Edin it was frute ; in Virginny its lether. In the 
 meantime a Commishin lies ben aprunted to report on a plan to 
 put AYashington in setch a state of defence as '11 pervent its 
 bein tuck by storm. Ef we kant bag llichmouud, we inusent 
 let the owdashus rebels sack the Naysninal Capital.
 
 210 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 The war peers to be prosecuted witli vigger in the lyal 
 States. By way of stimulatin the paytryitism of the Merry- 
 landers, kwite a number of Union men hev ben supprised and 
 made prisners in the streets of Bawltouiore. Thar offense was 
 a new speeches of Treason of which fresh varities, liithertoo 
 onknown, is developt evry day. The latest stile is douting the 
 infallability of Major-Ginral Wool ; and as that distingwished 
 Trojan lies no dout on the subjeck hisself, he has siezecl the 
 douters and made em prisners of war. It is not troo, howsever, 
 that he lies heel his milentary hat hung on the oblesk in Mona- 
 rnent Squar, and rekwired evry citysin to stop and saloot it, 
 onder pain of a rest. That story is a liebil, got up by sum of 
 the high old seecesh simperthisers as inhabits that lowcality. 
 
 The President and Me doosent altogether approov of Ginral 
 Wool's perceedins ; and the individyals as was rash enuff to 
 kwestin his capacity will be payroled to-day. We nuther of us 
 agree with the Seckatry of War, as to the best method of puttin 
 down the rebellyun. He goes in for enforcin rnarshil lor and 
 makin prisners of war in the lyal North ; while we air in favor 
 of connnin them kinder operashins to the rebellyus South. 
 Howsever, we shell let him hev his swing ontil the suvrins lies 
 eggspressed thar vews, nex week, at the poles. Ef they side 
 with us, he will probly retire from public life to that cam 
 obskewrity witch his talents and his virtoos is so well calldlated 
 to adorn. Should this be the case, I shall advise the President 
 to proclaim a ginral jail delivry of pollytickle prisners in the 
 Nuthern cities, and the re-establishment of the Union as it was, 
 in all the Free States. Ef New York and New England goes 
 with Pennsylvany, Ohio and Indianny, agin the suspension of 
 have Ms carcase and Provost Marshils and setch, the Presi- 
 dent will consider it an indicashin that the masses is opposed to 
 Constitooshinal Libty on the Austrean plan, and act accord- 
 inly. My illustrus frend ses he is willin to be gided by the will 
 of the peeple as spessifled throo the ballot box. Tharfore, Bully 
 for him ! Its time it was bully for him ; for he's ben bullid long 
 enuff, and would be yet, mebbe, ef it warnt for me. Not as I 
 claim enny merit on that ackoutit, for its as nateral to me to help 
 the weak as it is for a cluck to swim. 
 
 In the absens of the President's amabul consort and air a 
 parent, I am more with him than ever, and in lack spend as 
 much time at the White House as I do acrost the river. The 
 Cabnet doosent like it of coarse, and the Seckatry of War, who 
 is remarkabul for his tanassity of porpus, wurks agen me night
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 211 
 
 and day. But its no use. A donkey-engine mought as well try 
 it on with a fust-class high-presshur locomotive. I hev taken a 
 solem oath to see the honest paytrj'it throo the crysis, and I'll 
 stick to him like a postage-stamp. 
 
 We tuck a drive together yestday as far as Bladensbug, and 
 renewed our vows of fidelity on the road fidelity to wun 
 anuther, the emansipayshin proclainashin, and the Constitooshin. 
 Espeshally the Constitooshin, witch we red over as we went 
 along, in order to hev it at our fingers eends. Cuniining back 
 over the slashes, the President eggsprest a positiv determinashin 
 
 to cut the party. The space I hev left blank was reely a 
 
 blank in our conversashin ; his eggslency pausin at the word 
 " the," and winking as far as " party." I may state confiden- 
 shally, howsever, that the manner in witch the vakinsy is to be 
 filled up, depends on the results of nex weeks eleckshins. 
 
 Thars considabul bettin here on the Guvner's tickets, both in 
 your State and Massachusetts. Menny air ofierin yaller stamps 
 to blue on Seymour ; and on the uther hand, I onderstand the 
 Honabul Gid, of the navy, lies sworn never to cut his baird or 
 his top-not till Wadsworth is inaugerated at Albany. In Bawl- 
 tomore the odds agen Guvner Andrews is an octoroon to a spool 
 of cotton. 
 
 The Members of the Cabnet, taken as a boddy, wears a wilted 
 aspeck, as ef they dident sleep well nights. You ken see sirkils 
 round thar eyes like the rings round the planet Satan, oney 
 redder ; and Mr. Chase peers to hev got a new rinkle evry time 
 I meet him. The President is screen. By my advice he replies 
 to all kwestins from his constitooshinal advisers in cannondrums 
 and pairables, and will continny to do so ontil the will of the 
 peeple is clarly known. Then he will open his head and pro- 
 claim a new proclamashin. 
 
 With three cheers for the Union, the Constitooshin, free 
 speech and a free press, I remain, onder sum eggsightment, 
 
 Yours allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXTV. 
 
 Our correspondent discusses the November elections, and their 
 probable and possible consequence, in a dry, desultory way. 
 But those who are accustomed to his eccentricities of style will 
 have no difficulty in understanding his drift. EDS.]
 
 212 WAIi LETTERS OF 
 
 ALEXANDRY, VIRGIKNY, November 7, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Hcrkary : 
 
 Peers to ine I mensliint in my last epistol that the President hed 
 interniated a detarminashin to cut loose from wun of the grate 
 pollytickle parties as divides the kentry ; but declined takin his 
 chice ontil arter the New York eleckshin. "Wai, the time hes 
 arrove to make his seleckshin, hut he still hangs in suspense, 
 like the Sircoffergus of Mayhumit atwixt the two magnates at 
 Medinah. In .the wurds of a Greek poick, " How happy could 
 he be with ether were tuther deer charmer away''. To be sure 
 the Empire State hes skreenied purty loud, and Abelishiu seems 
 to hev founderd in a white squall in that regin. But then the 
 Pilgrim Commonwelth hes gin the Conservatives a black mark, 
 and pintin to her two cradles of Libty, Funnel Hall and the 
 Plymuth Blarney Stun, she continnees to go for Unkel Sam and 
 Unkel Tom, wun and invincible. Thars a cupple of depitashins 
 on here at present on the nigger bizness, and they eenamost 
 bullyrag my illustrus frend to deth. Wun of the deligashins is 
 from your sitly, tuther from Bosting, and they take thar turns at 
 his Eggselleucy, ride and tic. The New York consarn wants 
 the Cabnet smasht, the gentmen from the Modern Aythens 
 doosent. Strange to say, Messrs. Seward, Stanton, Chase, Welles, 
 Smith, and Blare goinsides with the gentmen from the Modern 
 Aythens. I onderstand, on the uther hand, that sum of the leadin 
 Democrats in your sitty is willin to forego the frutes of thar late 
 suckcess in order to help the President outer his diffickulties. 
 Feruandy Wood is reddy to throw up his seat in Congress ef his 
 well-known finanshil talons is needed in the Treshury ; and 
 Benjamin, his paytryit bruther, would be ekwilly magnannyrnous, 
 ef wanted in the Navy Department whar his frends think his 
 long eggsperience in the distribushin of -prizes mought be ben- 
 nyh'shal to the sarvis. line not a Democrat myself, but oney a 
 pollytishin at large, as votes on prenceple ; but I kant help 
 rcgardin them two nobul bruthers with unsofisiicated aamirashin, 
 and I congratlate the comniershill emporium, throo your col- 
 luuies, on heving put em throo. Ginral Wallbridge is a frend 
 of rniiie. I regaird him as a brick and a bruther ; and ef enny 
 man of smaller calibeer than B. Wood hed beaten him, I should 
 hev felt bad ; but Wood was formed by uater for a poplar idle, 
 and I sed so years ago, when he was oney a little shaver. 
 
 Torkin of poplar idles, I spose an adinirin and confidin nashin 
 eggspecks the modern Father of his Kentry to take sum decided 
 meshers in consekens of the late eleckshins. Let the kentry
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 213 
 
 keep cool. Its devoted Father is at present in cawcuss with his- 
 self and Me, and we hevent yet taken a vote on the kwestins at 
 issoo. We want to do things up as smooth as possabul. Wots 
 the use of hevin an all-wully row in the ranch, ef we ken arrive 
 at the desired eend without a shindy ? We lied en intereslin 
 conversashin on the subjeck this mcrnin, hed the layter Fatty 
 and Me. Ses lie : 
 
 " D. V., mehbe Stanton '11 abdikate." 
 
 " Honerd rooler of an enlitend peeple," ses I, " did you ever 
 hunt possums ?" 
 
 He nodded aguessence. . 
 
 "Bekase ef you hev," I continned, "you must hev notist that 
 the critters amayzin tenayshus of his holt. I wunst treed wun 
 up a big persimmon, whar he sot perched at his ees, devourin 
 the goldin I'rute in fancid sekewrity. I shuck that persimmon 
 ontil the persperashin pored off me at evry jerk like water 
 from a shower bath. Wun by wun the vai mint's limbs giu out 
 ondcr Ihe shocks, till nerly he hung by a single leg, and Ithort 
 I hed him. I made anuther grand effort, and shuck that leg off 
 too, when darn my pictcr ef lie dident ketch onto a branch by 
 his tail, and thar he swung and grinned at me ! Its rny bleef 
 that an airthquake woukleut hev shuck down that possum." 
 
 " Wai," ses the gifted Abe, with a, moanful attempt at jokelar- 
 ity, "I spose you suuimond a possum cemmitatua of neybers to 
 help you shake." 
 
 " Nary commitatus" I replide. 
 
 " Wot did you do then ?" he axed, impayshently. 
 
 " Wai," ses I, significantly, " I jest cut the tree from onder the 
 possum !" 
 
 But we shant take that coarse with the pollytickle possums in 
 the Cabnet persimmon tree ontil milder meens hes ben eggsaust- 
 ed. At present we air tryin to cokes ern down with teinptin 
 tid-bits, setch as Rushin and Brittish plcnipenitentiaryships, 
 Supreme Courtships, and cetery, but they continny to hold on to 
 thar elevated persishins, aperiently considerin a berth in hand 
 wurth two in prospeck. I wunst hecrd a lecterer on nateral 
 fillosofy say thar was a wunderful prenceple in nater called the 
 Attrackshin of Coheshin. Gess it pervales to a norinus degree 
 in Cabnet oiFsirs. 
 
 Ef the present incumbrants was oney outer the way, the 
 President and Me could fill thar places in hafe an hour. Our 
 programmy is allreddy drord out, and contanes the very best the 
 market affords. The bill of fare consests of Dix, Holt, Banks,
 
 214 WAB LETTEKS OF 
 
 Reverdy Jonson, Governor Morton, and a few more of the same 
 sort, and in order to avide invidius distinkshins, we prepose to 
 let em raffle for cbice of offises. It is thort by sum (but not by 
 me) that the present heads of departments will drap gracefully 
 from thar places afore Congress meets. Most sartainly, ef they 
 don't, the tree onghter be cut from onder em. The President is 
 payshent so am I ; but thar air limicks to human eganimity ; 
 and ef the Cabnet won't resign, we may hev to put em out in 
 the cold. 
 
 In spite of thar corns, aggravated by the new brogans, the 
 unconkerable legions of the Union qontinnees to advance hi a 
 pairallel line with the countless hosts of the ragged and ravenus 
 foe ; but as pairallel lines never meets, no collushin is likely to 
 occur from this splended strategic moovment, witch will no 
 dout eggsite the wunder and admirashin of Europe. Whenever 
 ether party make a tack tords tuther, thar'll be a fight or a foot 
 race; but wether setch an act of desperashin will ever take 
 place, is at present an open kwestin with 
 Yours alias. 
 
 A DISBAKDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. LXXV. 
 
 [That fine flow of animal spirits which usually characterizes 
 the lucubrations of the " Disbanded", will be looked for in vain 
 in the following letter. Our correspondent's confidence in his 
 influence over Mr. Lincoln seems to be somewhat on the wane ; 
 but, like a true friend, he is resolved to stick to him as long as 
 there is a hope left that his aid and counsel may be useful. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDKY, VIKGINNY, November 14, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Herkary : 
 
 Giding a President as is beseeged without enny let up wotsum- 
 dever, by the all-hungryest, all-selfishest, all-sassiest drove or 
 pollytickle intriggers that ever besot an onest rooler, is, upon 
 the hull, rayther an aggernizin amewsment. I hev lost uppards 
 of twenty pounds of flesh senst I threw the wait of my inflew- 
 ence inter the eggseggative scale. And arter all it may be as I 
 hev fretted and swelled in vane. I wunst red in a little buck 
 called Lacon rit, ef I am not mistakin, by Prenliss of the Louis-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 215 
 
 vil Jmz# that grate men was like torches as consoomed thar- 
 selvcs to enlitcn mankind. But wots the use of consoomin 
 yerself ef it all eends in smoke ? I don't see as the seeds of 
 wisdum I drap coniinally inter my distingwished pupil's ears 
 perdooces mutch of a crop. Not as 1 ineeu to insinawait that 
 they fall on barrin sile, but Ime al'eard the tares and thorns and 
 blamed parisitickle plants of this cussed pollytickle jungle chokes 
 em down, and spiles the prospeck of a hulsum harvest. Eena- 
 most all the iudividyals as gains axess to the President hes axes 
 to sharpin, and menny of the old party hacks suckseeds in per- 
 swaclin him that thar idees is fust chop for the Union, when thar 
 oney objeck is to block out sumthin cumfurtabul for tharselves. 
 On this ackount, I want to set myself right with my kentrymen 
 throo your collumes. Standin in the persishin I do afore the 
 nashin, my head allreddy kiverd with silvery fibers, and egg- 
 spectin to bequeeth the fabric of my fame to the futur as a hair- 
 loom from witch poicks and hisstoryuns will weave thar morril 
 tails and narrativs in prose and verse, I kant afford to be held 
 responsabul for all the misstakes of my paytriarkal freud and 
 cotrumpery. Not as I distrust for a moment his good inten- 
 shins ; but his hart is salt, and his venuabul head symperthises 
 with it. 
 
 Ses I to his Eggslensy, immediently arter the New York 
 eleckshin : We must smash the Cabnet (bear in mind, I sed the 
 Cabnet, not the Constttooshin), and reconstruct He smiled in 
 the affirmative. Ses I, in continiashin, the Onterrified hes nockt 
 the inancipayshinests cold, and bein masters of the sitiwation, 
 they hev a right to be represented in offis. He agreed to the 
 observashin with a wink. Besides, ses I, the fienanshil meshurs 
 of the Administrashin doosent soot the publick. and evry boddy 
 is as mad as hornets at bein stuck with Blare's all-cussed sticldn 
 plasters. He nodded a cent to the propersishin, and added that 
 he hed allus looked on Blare as a square-dealin man ; but ef he 
 was of a diffrent stomp, he wouldent adhere to him enn} r longer. 
 Finer! y, we agreed to ship the hull boodle of Constitooshinal 
 advisers, find emply a new set, whoos names I gin you in my 
 last epistol 1 sposed it was all setteld ; but a passel of ultree- 
 Abelishiniots got around my nobul paytrun, and wurried him 
 until his spinal collume began to saften. Fust, he consented to 
 hev Maclellin remooved. I dont say wether he was right or 
 rong ; but I do say, the Ihing warnt dun in the right way. The 
 act was too suddent. It lucked too mutch like party sperrit ; 
 and thar warn't suffishent resins nssined for it. I told the Presi-
 
 216 "WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 dent so to his face for Ime squar as a, brick, and kocr np more 
 for party pollyticks than I do for Jo Smith's Goldin Bible. But 
 he only sruggei his sholders, as inutch as to say, needs must 
 wen the devil drives. Translatin the rnoovinent en that, light, I 
 couldent help sayin that I wisht we hed a Cheef lladgistrit as 
 keered nuther for man nor devil when he thought he was O. K. 
 
 Then I axed him about changin the Cabnet ; and it peered 
 from wot he sed, that ef the present incumbrants was sacked, he 
 would hev to put the bluest kinder hull-hog mansipayshinists in 
 thar places. I wanted to know why our oridjinal programmy 
 couldent be carrid out. Upon witch, he gin anuther hitch to his 
 sholders, as ef to intermate that the outside preshur onto him 
 was too great. Then I venterd to hint that even in down-trod- 
 den England, when the peeple vofed agin the administrashin, 
 the ministers resined, and a batch with vews direckly oppersit 
 stept inter thar boots. He replid > that he had hinted as inutch 
 to the constitooshinal advisers, but they indignantly remarkt 
 that Great Briton was our nateral enemee, and it would be 
 degradin to the American carrickter to foller Brittish presidents 
 anci eggsamples. 
 
 I lain from the papers for Ime not on speakin terms with the 
 War Department that sirnontanusly with. Maclellin's remooval, 
 Freemount was orderd to report for dooty. I should a thort 
 we'd hed enuff of that milentary failur in Missoora and the 
 mountin department of Virginny ; but I reckin Stanton's goin to 
 giv him and that sellybrated boddy-gard of his'n anuther chanst. 
 Wun thing's sartain, namely : ef thar charges doosent hev 
 mutch effeck on the enemee, they will on the treshury. A more 
 weak and evnbezzele act than the revival of Freemount & Co. I 
 never heerd on. I gin the amabul Abraham my opinyun on the 
 subjeck, and told him that I considerd it would be a radical 
 error to put the Pathfinder on the war path onder present suck- 
 emstances ; to witch he replide, with a farseeshus twinkel of his 
 commie eye, that radical errors was so cornmun that wun or 
 two more or less would skarsly be notist. This mornin I 
 inkwired of him ef enny ondertakin for overtakin the pirit 
 Serames was onder way ; to witch he responded by makin a 
 jester with his right thum over his left sholder ; so I spose that 
 godless buckunear will continny to pray upon our commerce 
 onmislested. As to the vessels that hes ben dispatched to ketch 
 him so far, its ben purty mutch like senclin tubs arter a whale. 
 
 Alltogether, I feel discurridged, and hev hed sum thorts of 
 Icavin the Father of his Kentry to row his hoe by hisself. But
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 217 
 
 tbar's so mutch good inter him, I dont like to do it. Mebbe 
 he 11 straiten hisself arter a TV'hile, and, with my assistance, giv 
 the pickthanks as besets him a lofty fall. Hopiii setch may he 
 the case, I reinane, constitooshinally, 
 Yours all us, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXVI. 
 
 [It is a pleasant tribute to the straightforward honesty of pur- 
 pose which chaiacterizes our veteran correspondent, that he 
 should have been consulted by the President as to the tenor of 
 the Message. His allusion to the matter in the following com- 
 munication is marked by the modesty with which he always 
 speaks of himself. EDS.] 
 
 ALEXANDRY, VIRGINNY, November 21, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The Prence de John Veals refieckshins on the conclude of the 
 war, translated from the French langwidge, hes perdooced kwite 
 a sensashin here. My paytryotic paytrun, the President, told 
 me yestday in a confidensb.il way, with a rizzable eggspreshin in 
 his high old classick visedge, that he was glad to see John Veal 
 was more inklined to do us justis than John Bull. But the 
 administrashin ginally doosent like the fooliton of the Prence, 
 thar prenceple objeckshin bein that it hints at a dispersishin on 
 thar parts to fool it on the ockashin of Maclellin's late advance 
 acrost the Peninslur. 
 
 Honabul Charles A. Daney, who was regarlarly brort up to 
 the milentary perfeshin in the Triboon offls, and hes jest ben 
 appinted Depity Seckatry of War on that ackount, is perfeckly 
 disgusted with the Prence's stricters. He is sed to be preparin 
 an anser witch will ockapy three to four thousand foolio pages, 
 and may possably appeer arter the conclushin of the war, as a 
 secquill to the New American Ensicklypedy. Mr. Daney hes a 
 fine milentary mind and considabul baird. His wurk will go 
 down to posteriority. It was his rnisfortin to leve the Triboon, 
 bekase his attacts on Maclellin was rayther too loud for the 
 responsabul eddytur ; but that is no disporridgeuient to his merits 
 in the eyes of most of the Cabnet. 
 10
 
 218 WAR LETTEKS OF 
 
 Ginral Freeinount ties ben on here, and hes^iad sevral privit 
 intervews with the distinguished Constitooshinal Adviser at the 
 head of the War Department. Report ses he js to sooperintend 
 the ereckshin of fortyficashins on Coney Island, and uther cnra- 
 mandin pints at the entrance to your harbor, for witch Congress 
 is eggspected to appropriate a few millyuns of the large surplush 
 at present remainin in the Nayshinal Treshery. Ginral Free- 
 mount is formed by nater and eggsperience for this importent 
 trust. Bildin is his fort. See wot he dun in the Southwest ! 
 
 I lam, sernmi-offishusly, that the Hoiiabul Giddyun"(familyarly 
 known as the Ainsheut Marriner and the Old Man of the Sea) 
 entertains a lively bleef that the pirit steamer Alabammer will 
 be tuck in a few days. Hes the Vanderbilt, witch hes ben layin 
 in wait for her at New York so long, started in pershoot ; and is 
 that the ground of his andizzypashins ? Ever senst Sernmes 
 sent wurd by a capterd skipper, that as sun as his pressin engage- 
 ments left him leeshur for reckreashin he ment to 4 steam up throo 
 the Narrers, and pitch a few shells from his hunderd-pounder at 
 Trinity Church and the City Hall, the Seckatry of the Navy hes 
 ben on the luckout for him in that kwarter. Feelin bitter at the 
 disappintment of his hops, and becummin sensabul that it was 
 no use keepin the swiftest steamer in the wurld at anker in the 
 North River to entrap the bold buckunear, he hes probly sent 
 her out cruzin in the lower bay, whar she will no doubt giv a 
 good ackount of the privitear when she cums acrost it. 
 
 It is rummerd here that the Houabul Giddyun hes changed 
 his vews in regaird to Stevenses Battery, and that that remark- 
 abul wurk of art is to be linisht without delay and sent up the 
 Conneticut River to defend the City of Hartford, witch, in con- 
 sekens of its hevin ben formally the residens of the Seckatry 
 of the Navy, and the place whar his marrytime genus was devel- 
 opt and matoored, is sposed to be markt out for speshil vengens 
 by the owdayshus Sernmes. It is a butiful trait in the carrickter 
 of Mr. Welles that he is thus regairdful of the place whar his 
 risin talons was fosterd, and that his promoshin from the mail 
 sarvice to the manidgernent of the reglar Navy hesent interfeerd 
 with his hum assosiashins. 
 
 The Constitooshinal Advisers, as a ginral thing, is purty bizzy 
 makin reddy for the meetin of Congress. Seckatry Chase 
 when not onavideably engaged in shinning for small loans is 
 industrusly implide in figgerin out his Annual Report. It will 
 be an abel argament in faver of the idee that a currency cum- 
 posed eggscloosively of rags, lampblack and sap green is prefer-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 219 
 
 abul on ackovtnt of its buty, porterbility, and the email cost of 
 produckshin, to the preshus trash, grubbed at setch a norinus 
 eggspense outer the bowels of the airth, for finanshil porpuses. 
 It is sed by Mr. Chase's frends that he will make this so clar 
 that all the banks will immedicntly see it and return at wunst to 
 speshee payments, with the objeck of gettin rid of thar gold and 
 silver as a useless incumbrence. Mr. Chase is a nice man for a 
 small party the ultra abelishin party, frinstance. 
 
 The President and me hes ben a good deal together lately. 
 "We air fixin up the Messidge. It will be a dockyment of sum 
 lenth ; fur a state paper, the consekenses of witch air eggspected 
 to reech far inter the futur, kant be skweedged inter a nutshell. 
 Still, we intend, ef possabul, to keep it down to sevin or eight 
 columes ; but it may reech nine or ten. Thars oney wun thing 
 cunsarnin the Messidge that me and my lofty-minded coadjew- 
 ter doosent agree about. He wants to take all the responsability 
 of the dooins of the Constitooshinal Advisers onto his own 
 sholders, while my advice is to let all offishal tubs stand on thar 
 own bottums. We shell crack up the mancipayshin projeck, and 
 giv anuther corjal invitashin to the Rebel States to lay clown 
 thar arms, hyst the Flag of the Free, and save thar niggers. 
 The colornizashin skeern will also . be agin tutched upon ; for 
 when it cums to capterin fore hunderd waggin-loads of " a man 
 and a bruther" at wun hawl, it becums nesessary, in the coarse 
 of human events, to consider serusly wot is to be dun with fore 
 millyuns of our cullerd feller-men and relashins, ef they should 
 happin to be thrown on our hands in a lump, by the conkwest 
 of the South. 
 
 We shell keep the Messidge open to the last moment, in case 
 the capter of Richmound or the Alabammer, or enny uther great 
 event, setch as the army goin inter winter-kwarters, frinstance, 
 should curn off at the leventh hour. I could tell you menny 
 astonishin things in relashin to pollytickle matters here ; but it 
 would be a breech of confidens. I may obsarve, howsever, that 
 a crysis is eminent. 
 
 Onder the seal of sckresy, 
 
 Yours allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXVH. 
 
 [On the eve of the opening of Congress, it is a great satisfac- 
 tion to be able to give our readers an inkling of the probable
 
 220 WAB LETTERS OP 
 
 tenor of the official communications about to be made to that 
 body. Our correspondent, without violating the confidence re- 
 posed in him by the President, furnishes a hint or two about the 
 Message which may serve to allay the horrors of suspense until 
 the momentous document appears. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, November 28, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Washingtin is fillin up faster'n a Philadelfy Stashin-house 
 arter a firemen's fight. Publick pickpockits and pollytickle in- 
 cindcries is as thick as flies hi a molasses cask and twiste as 
 lively. The swell mob of corntractors as hev made thar piles, 
 with thar fammalies rigged out arter the latist Payris fashin 
 plates, and jeweld up to the nines, is dooin the peacock and but- 
 terfly bizness to an eggstent that takes the shine outer all the 
 furrin Plenipenitentiaries and thar soots ; and a new set of pay- 
 tryotic Jeremy Diddlers, as hungry as seventeen year lowcusses 
 as hes jest chipt thar shells, is huverin around the publick 
 offisis in hops of rnakin a raid on the greenbacks. Judgin from 
 the morril aspeck of the majority of the kumpany arrivin, I 
 should say we air likely to hev a high old swindlin scsshin. Ef 
 the nashin is saved, it will be regairdless of eggspense. It is 
 curius, but true, that the biggest theeves hes the most to say 
 about presarving the integrity of the Union. 
 
 You will hev lamed afore this reeches you that me and the 
 President hes ben rayther too mutch for the Seckatry of War. 
 When I writ last, I lied jest receeved a note from a frend in the 
 war offis statin that the Honabul C. A. Daney, late professor of 
 rnilentary literatoor in the Tryboon Pollytecnick Academy, was 
 appinted Deppity Seckatry. Shortly arter dispatchin my letter, 
 howsever, I diskivered the informashin was prematoor; but 
 that ef the President dident objeck, the Honabul C. A. D. would 
 take his place in the Administrashin Line on the follerin day. 
 I seen the modern Sinsinatus in his sauktum at the White House 
 that arternoon, and Mr. Daney hesent ben appinted. He ses he 
 dosent keer about bein Assistant -Seckatry. Mebbe not. Never- 
 theless you ken put down his elevashin amung the axidents that 
 mought hev happcnd, ef the Providence as shapes our eends 
 hedn t nockt him cendways. But in sayin that me and the 
 President hed ben rayther too much for the high minded and 
 benevolent funkshinary at the head of the War Department, I 
 referd mainly to the order for the liberashin of State prisners 
 arrested without caws and held contrary to law, justis and hu-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEK. 321 
 
 inanity. When the thing was sot in the right light afore the 
 Scckatry it was too much for his felines. No dout he is a kind- 
 harted man at the bottom, when you git to it. His better uatur 
 was apeelecl to in this style. 
 
 " Mr. Stanton, you ken librate those onfortnit captyves or rap 
 yourself up in the solitood of your own oridginality and retire, 
 with the thanks of a grateful kentry, to the shades of private 
 life." 
 
 He couldn't stand it. His eye glistend, his baird shuck with 
 emoshin, his genrus spirit relented, and he eggsclained in ax- 
 cents of the deepest paythos : 
 
 " I am not made of iron. Open the Barsteels !" 
 
 And he dun it. The prisners hes all ben oncaged, ban-in one 
 or tw^j as hedentpayshents to wait for this triurnp of filanthropy, 
 and died in jail. I hope the Seckatry's clemency will never be 
 forgotten, and as a mark of the grctitood of the peeple, I prepose 
 that two stattoos of him be made outer bronze, at the public 
 cost, and put over the gateways of Fort Warren and Fort Laugh- 
 eryet. When he retires from the Cabnet witch he may afore 
 long he oughter hev a furrin mishin. Ef the President was to 
 nominate him for Austrce, the Sennit would, no doubt, confirm 
 the appintment. 
 
 The messidge is compleat all but the figgers and facts from the 
 Honabul Salmon P., and a brief flurrish at the openin and the 
 tail eend, which will be very pius and affectin. We calkilate to 
 hev the dockyment reddy for the prenter s hands by to morrer 
 evenin, ef Seckatry Chase ken make up his mind wot the pub- 
 lick det is, atween this and then. He finds, as the statements 
 cum in from the diffrent burrows, that the sum totil is likely to 
 eggseed his late ekinornical esthnit of 640 millyuns to an all- 
 startlin degree. I persoom, howsever, that the nayshin will be, 
 let off purty cheap on paper, as tellin the trooth might create an 
 onnessary panic in the Stock Markit besides razing the pre- 
 mum on gold. 
 
 Welles hes finisht his shippin list, but will keep it opin to the 
 last possabul moment in order to menshin the rival of the Ala- 
 bammer in port as a prize, ef his sangwinary hops of her imme- 
 dient capter by the Vanderbilt should be relized. Thar air sev- 
 ral rummers afloat in naval sirkils here, as to her present wara- 
 bouts. Wun akount places her off the Coste of Maine, while 
 anuther ses that she's cruzin at the mouth of the Conneticut 
 with the idee of ketchin the Seckatry of the Navy on his way 
 hum to his Thanksgivin dinner at Hartford. It is the Honabul
 
 222 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Giddyun's opinyun liowsever, that slie's layen off and on sum- 
 whars atwixt Cape May and the Straits of Baffleman. 
 
 The Honabul Edwin B. is onderstood to hev got as far as 
 Fredericksbug in his report of the sucksesses of the Union 
 arms ; but thar he sticks for the present, waitin late advices 
 from Burnside, and positive mformashin as to the present lati- 
 tood and longitood of Stunwall Jackson. 
 
 Seward is throo with his yarn, witch is a State paper highly 
 flatterin to the nayshinal pride ; showin how thurrowly we out- 
 ginrald Lord John Russill in the Trent affair, and inagnanny- 
 mously gin up Mason and Slidell, bekase they warn't wuth thar 
 keep, and we was all-fired 'glad to get rid on 'em. As evrybody 
 is aware that the Honabul William H. twisted Russill round his 
 finger and compleatly got to windward of Pamerstun, this docky- 
 nieut, abel as it is, will not eggsight much curosity. 
 
 The Inteeryur hes ben dun up neatly and consisely by Mr. 
 Smith, who 'tends strickly to his own bizness, and is tharfore, 
 not considered of mutch ackount by his coadjewters whoos vews 
 is more comprehensive and ginral. 
 
 Mr. Blare, who is a man of no ornary stamp, hes hed his post 
 cms report reddy for sum days. It is said that it reckymends a 
 redempshin of the guinbacks with the greenbacks, but this is 
 not sartin. A delegashin of the New York apple wirnmen is on 
 here in relashin to the matter, but I have not heerd whether they 
 hev hed an entervew with the P. M. Ginral. 
 
 I notis it is stated in wun of the New York jernils that the 
 mancipayshin projeck is to be moddified in the Messidge. Please 
 give this report a flat denial. We shall not take back a hiotah 
 of the Proclamashin. The President and me hes but wun idee 
 " the greatest good of the gratest number", without distiukshin ot 
 culler or flavor. Union and Libty, or Union and Slavery, its all 
 the same to us so its Union. Freely and ekwilly, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXVHI. 
 
 [Our long-headed correspondent discusses the merits of the 
 Message at some length. Of course, he has not a particularly 
 sharp eye for its demerits. People rarely see the defects of a work
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 233 
 
 in which they themselves have had a hand. And yet those de- 
 merits may be palpable to the apprehension of outsiders. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, December 5, 18G2. 
 Eddytura of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Wot do you think of the messidge ? Does it meet your vews 
 of a Union-savin j r arn ? Ef so, please give it a fust rate notis, 
 with a few eggstracks from the passidges relatin to the yolk of 
 slavery, ondcr your " Locul Missellany" head, and oblege the 
 President and Me. The fack is, it hes ben most ouriteusly walkt 
 inter by evrybody, evrywhars. The Conservativs say its radical, 
 and the Radicals swar its conservativ. And yet Eddyturs, as 
 troo as Irne a Sqjer and a Statesman, we tried to consillyate 
 both. We reckognized the ebony speeches as pursenal property 
 to tickle the misgided millyuns in arms agen the Guverment, 
 and deklard slavery to be the soul caws of the rebellyun, to sat- 
 isfy the abelishinists. We preposed to postpony mancipayshin 
 for thirty-seven years, to gratify South Caroliny and Georgy, 
 and we went in wunst more for the abelishin of human bon- 
 didge in all the bellyregent States at New Years, to propishiate 
 Conneticut and Massachusetts. It was our honest endevor to 
 make the dockyment like the changeabul picters you see in the ' 
 prent-shop winders, witch presents a likeness of Wheatfield 
 Bucaunon from wun pint of vew and Winfield Scott from 
 anuther or rayther like the Dog and the Lion, in the peep 
 show, whar the specktators as hes douts consarnin the pursenal 
 identity of the animils is perlitely told by the properioter that 
 " they pays thar munney and ken take thar chice.* 
 
 Its all-cussed hard, arter tryin to please evryboddy, to find 
 you haint pleased noboddy, and that peers to be our case. We 
 did our purtiest to hit wot the French call the jest mittyou, and 
 the consekens is we air pitcht inter from all sides to wunst. 
 " Republics is ongrateful", as the Greek ginral remarkt when 
 they rested him for det, and refused to let him take the bennyfit 
 of the insolvent act. Ef you ever red old Easeup's Fabels, you 
 kennot fail to reckognise in my illustrus frend and me the " Old 
 Man and his Ass" of the nineteent sentry. The mildest illushun 
 to the Mes^idge so far, is that it is " remarkabul for its sim- 
 plesity", which is catamount to pemouncin it an iddyotic per- 
 duckshin. 
 
 In my opinyun, the dockyment ovcrfloes with ondeniable 
 trooths. Take frinstance the follerin witch the President rit 
 with his own hand, without any subjestins on my pairt :
 
 224 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 " It is not so easy to pay something as to pay nothing ; but it 
 is easier to pay a large sum than it is to pay a larger one ; and 
 it is easier to pay any sum when we are able, than it is to pay it 
 before we are able." 
 
 Now, thats wot I call a new rinkle in fienance, and I hev no 
 dout, when the British Chanseller of the Eggschecker sees it, he 
 will make it the baysis of a propersishin to pay off the British 
 nayshinal det, afore it becums so large as to be onmanidgeable. 
 The buty of the remark is, that it is ekwilly outable as a motto 
 for a guverment, and as an inskripshin inside a tavern bar whar 
 no trust is given. 
 
 Sum of the enemees of the Modern Father of his Kentry, 
 Levin ackused him of bein a short sighted pollytishin, we 
 detarmined to disabuse the publick mind on that pint, in the 
 Messidge. Consekently, you will obsarve that we hev devoted 
 a considabul amount of stashinary to a considerashin of the 
 affairs of the nayshin from the year 1870 to 1930. I calkilate as 
 the 251,680,914 American peeple as will inhabit the United 
 States in 1930 will feel tharselves flattered by our honabul men- 
 shin of em. Our posteriority will hev to pay an all-thunderin 
 big det of our contractin, and the President and Me thort it was 
 the least we coald do to soft-sope em a leetle in advance. It 
 mought prevent em from cussin us in our graves. 
 
 Menny of the noosepapers, I notis, is sprised that the Presi- 
 dent dident compliment the Army and Navy Departments on 
 the vigger with witch the war hes ben waged on land and sea, 
 but I think the subjined sentence cut from the Messidge will suf- 
 fishintly ackonnt for the ommishin : 
 
 " In times like the present, men should titter nothing for 
 which they would not willingly be responsable throughout time 
 and eternity." 
 
 The distinguished Head of the Republick, tho a man of 
 polisht manners, never sacrifices his conshense to his perliteness. 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln, as you are awar, has retnrnt to the PrCoidenshil 
 Pallas, and thar is evry prospeck of a brilyant winter ondcr her 
 fashinabul patternage. The illustrus lady is to Washington wot 
 the Empress Eujinny is to Payris ; in fack, as the man ses in 
 the play, " She is the gloss of fashin an:l the mould of uniform." 
 I may be rong in the kwotashin, bat the sentiment is correck. 
 
 The privit theay trickles I spoke of in a former letter hes not 
 yet cum off, but as the offishal yarns is purty mutch all in, I per- 
 soom the Heads of Departments is reddy at enny time to aban- 
 don goose kwills and foolscap, for the sock and buckskin. It is
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 225 
 
 now preposed that the first peace shell be " Used Up," and the 
 hull Cabnet is to be inkluded in the cast. 
 
 From the increasin number of army offsirs in the streets and 
 bar rums here, I persoom that a battel on the Rapperhammock 
 may be lookt for at enny moment. Mutch depends, howsever, 
 upon the time it may take for the rebels to finnish thar defenses 
 at Fredericksbug. As sun as Lee and Longstreet is kwite pre- 
 pard for a shindy we shell probly go in. It is sed that the gen- 
 rus and jewdishus Stanton wishes em to be fully re-enforced, in 
 order to show em how esily they ken be whipt with all the odds 
 in thar favor. The result ef it happens will no doubt be ter- 
 rably dishartnin, and prehaps eend the war with a blow. Bad 
 wether may interfere and pervent the catastrofy but the Secka- 
 try in coarse is not responsabul for the wether Thats Heven's 
 bizness and not hisn, as the boy remark t when his father was 
 killed by the legtrick flewid in consekens of tyin hisself to a 
 lightnin-rod for saifty. 
 
 Hopin you will not konsider it drogatory to your Edditoryal 
 dignity to give the Messidge a favorabul notis, I remain, and so 
 doos the distingwisht Tenant of the White House, 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXIX. 
 
 [The immediate cause of the sudden dash of the Army of the 
 Potomac across the Rappahannock, is fully explained in the fol- 
 lowing letter. The order to attack a positive and peremptory 
 order appears to have emanated from the President. Our vet- 
 eran correspondent was his prompter ; and whatever may be the 
 final issue of the movement, he will not shirk the responsibility. 
 Eos.'] 
 
 NATSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, December 12, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 At lenth the tejus paws is over, and we hev pitched inter the 
 cnemee hand over hand. The kentry owes the suddent dash 
 acrost the Rapperhammock to the President and me. The leath- 
 ergy of the War Department (and not the want of shoos as was 
 ginrally sposed) was the sole resin Why the Army of tlie Potomac 
 10*
 
 226 'WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 didn't walk inter the rebels more'n two weeks ago. My Illus- 
 trus Patron remonstrated agin the delay. He used the most 
 forceabul argyments he could think of setch as " Delays is dan- 
 gerous", " A stitch in time saves nine", " Procrastinashin is the 
 thief of Time", " Nuthin ventur, nuthin win", and uther golden 
 axeurns from the mint of wisdum bequeethed to us by the ain- 
 shent sages. But his elikwence was like purls cast afore swine. 
 Stantori put him off with invasive answers, and Halleck sent him 
 milentary diegrams on sheets of foolscap, as hed the aperience 
 of bein made by a long-legged spider that hed jest crawled outer 
 an inkbottle. 
 
 Things went on this way ontil last Toosday, when the Presi- 
 dent writ me a note that he wanted to see me immediently on 
 speshil bizness. He was standin on the frunt door steps when I 
 arrove at the White House, pullin his left whisker as is his wont 
 when his will is disregarded, and conduckted me at wunst to his 
 eanktum. He sed he was wurrid arnazinly by the dogged ob- 
 stinacy of the War Department, upon witch I axed ef he wanted 
 a peace of an honest man's mind. 
 
 " Spit it out Old Fidelity," ses he, his feters lighten up with a 
 hole-sold smild. 
 
 ' Wai," ses I, " wot I hev to say in the first place is this. It's 
 not so eesy to lick ennyboddy as it is to lick noboddy, is it?" 
 
 He remaned for a few minnits absobbed in deep thort and then 
 shuck his hed. 
 
 "But," I continned, "its esier to lick a considabul boddy, 
 then to lick the same boddy when its twiste as considabul, isn't 
 it?" 
 
 Arter a breef intervil for reflexshin he concurd. 
 
 "And," ses I resoomin agin, ''its esier isn't it? to smash 
 horseteal boddies when we air abel, than it is when they air abel 
 to raze Cain with us." 
 
 "D. V-," he rejined, smildin cumpleasantly, "you borrord 
 that sillygism from a remark of mine in the Messidge, and I am 
 proud to say the logic is correck." 
 
 " Ef so," ses I, " why in thunder don't you tell Burnside to go 
 in and win, afore the rebels sets thar airthwurks, and riful pits, 
 and maskt batteries atwixt him and Richmound, thicker'n mink 
 traps in a Western swomp ?" 
 
 "My nobel and esteemabul frend" he responded, wipin his 
 nose with visabul einoshin, " your sentiments doos honor to your 
 head and hart ; but I've gin the Seckatry of War discreshinary 
 powers."
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 227 
 
 " Ime right glad to larn it," I remarkt sneerinly, " for its the 
 ginral opinyim that he hesu't enny of his own." 
 
 You should hev seen the Honabul Abe lay back and shake his 
 honest sides. It dun me good to look at him. 
 
 Hevin got him on the larf I detarmined to improov the- 
 openin. 
 
 Ses I, solemly, " You air Cummander in Cheef of the Army 
 and Navy of the Land of the Free and the Hum of the Brave, 
 air you not ?" 
 
 " Accordin to the Constitooshin, setch is my progative," he 
 replied, takin his leg off the arm of his cheer and drorin hisself 
 up with nateral dignity. 
 
 " Then," ses I, airnestly, " sail in. The Ship of State's in 
 danger. Thar's lubbers at the helium. Pitch em overboard and 
 let you and me take the wheel alone." 
 
 " Ah !" sithed he, in a plaintiff vice, " you want me to take the 
 responsability ; but you know wot cum of that in the Macdoill 
 affair." 
 
 "That was onder bad advice," ses I. ".Take mine." 
 
 " State your platform and we'll see," he responded, puttin hia 
 feet on the mantel-peace, " but a burnt child dreds the fire, and 
 I've ben hauled over the coals so much lately, that I don't want 
 to put my foot in it agin." 
 
 " Its jest this," ses I, impressivly. " Send a perumptry order to 
 Ginral Burnside to cross the Rapperharnrnock afore the week's 
 over, and ef any resistance is made, to lay Fredericksbug in 
 ashes. Tell him to fight the rebels wharever they make a stand ; 
 to kick struttegy to the devil, and make his way to Richmound 
 by the shortest cut at the pint of the bagnet. Tell him to foller 
 the cumpass doo South, at the dubble kwick, without pawsin to 
 palaver on the rout, and never stop till he waters his hoss in 
 Shockoh Crick, and sees the old flag flotin over the rebel cap- 
 ital. Do that," I exclamed, throwen myself inter his arms 
 in a suddent bust of oncontrollabul emoshin, " and you will go 
 down to distant ages with the conshusness of heving ful- 
 filled your sakrid oblegashins to E. P. Unum and the American 
 Egul." 
 
 The grate man was overcum by my firy energee. He sed, ef 
 he hed as menny lives as Plutark, he would be willin to giv em 
 all for his kentry, and sot down and wrote a dispatch to Burn- 
 side, arter my dicktashin bein too mutch agitated by his pay- 
 tryotick felines to think for hisself. 
 
 I hop that, long afore this cums to hand, the lightnin will bare
 
 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 you intelligens of the glorius and cornpleat suckcess of the 
 Union arms. Eggsitedly, 
 
 Yours allns, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXX. 
 
 [We doubted, on first perusing the following extraordinary 
 letter, whether it would be wise to publish it, and finally asked 
 the opinion of an old and valued legal friend as to whether it 
 contained anything that could be considered treasonable. His 
 reply, as he handed back the manuscript, was short and to the 
 point. Said he : " If that is treason, let 'em make the most of 
 it." Consequently, we determined to print it. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL'HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, December 19, 1852. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merlcary : 
 
 Ive ben sick. I am sick. Its on ackount of takin too inutch 
 responsability. line afeard the kentry will hold me ackount- 
 abul for the late discomforture at Fredericksburg. Sartainly, I 
 advised the President to order Burnside to sail in ; and, in dooin 
 so, he run agin a snag. But wot could I do? Halleck and 
 Stanton bed setteld it that Richmound was to be attacted by the 
 Rapperhamrnock rout, and bed indooced my magnannymus 
 frend to take a solera oath on Helper's Crysis that he wouldent 
 enterfear. In coarse he couldent perjer hisself, and I was well 
 awar that the longer we delayed goin in, the better prepard the 
 rebels would be to flax us out. It was a chice atwixt two evils, 
 and I tride to chews the leest. Ef the shindy bed ben postponied 
 a fortnit longer as was intended, our army would not oney hev 
 ben severely wooled, but utterly worsted. 
 
 You will reckolleck that I remarkt in my last epistol that ef it 
 hedent ben for the leathergy of the leatherheads in the War 
 Department, our forces might hev crost the river and bagged or 
 disbursed the rebellyus hoards "weeks ago." But the War 
 Department, witch is allus forgcttin sumthin, disrememberd to 
 send the pontoon bridges, and our army bein onabel, as the 
 poick ses, to " walk the waters like a thing of life", was compeld 
 to remane with sinkin harts on the rong side, while the enemee 
 throo up tbar airtkwurks and prepard to vomit forth a storm of
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 229 
 
 fire and deth onto us as sun as we began to operate. Wai, 
 Banks was off on a Quickshotic expedition to the Gulf, so thar 
 warnt no hope of his makin enny divershin to amews the enemee 
 while Bnrnside pitched inter em in airnest ; so I thort it was 
 best, as the mewsick bed to be faced, to face it at wunst. On- 
 der the suckemstances, wot better advice could I hev given? 
 Ef the attact bed ben put off two weeks longer, thar wculd- 
 ent hev ben a grease pot left of the Army of the Potomac this 
 day. 
 
 The President takes the disaster with that cherfulness witch 
 belongs to his boyant nater. He thinks it is no more use to cry 
 over spilt blood than it is to cry over spilt milk, so he lucks at 
 the affare from a farseeshus pint of vew. 
 
 Ses I to him to-day : ' Ime afeard the rebels hes got to wind- 
 ard of us for the carnppain." 
 
 " Yes," he replide, " and your remark subjests a cannondrum. 
 What caused the shipreck of our hopes on the Rapperham- 
 mock ?" 
 
 " Stanton and Halleck," ses I, swarin innardly. 
 
 " Oridginally I grant," ses he ; " but the immedient caws of 
 the shipreck of our hopes on the Rapperhammock was ' runnin 
 on a Lee shore.' " 
 
 " Mister President," ses I, frownin, " I kant larf at your humor, 
 redickalus as it is the larf is all taken outer me. Our troops is 
 receivin checks from the eneniee in all direckshins." 
 
 " Air they ?" he responded. " Then all I ken say is, the ene- 
 mee treats em better n we do ; for they've bed no checks from 
 us for the last five munths." 
 
 " Head of the nashin," I anserd, " this is no time for puns. It 
 seems to me that your mayjestick intelleck hes gon a wool-geth- 
 ering." 
 
 " D. V.," ses be, "Ispose you meen that as a reproach; but 
 let me tell you that wool-getherin is wun of the great eends and 
 objecks of this war. Ax the Constitooshinal Advisers ef it 
 isent." 
 
 " Yes," I remarkt, " they've gon in for wool, and cum back 
 shorn." 
 
 " Not alltogether," ses he ; " ef ennyboddy's ben fleeced, I gess 
 its the publick.' 
 
 " Let us change the subjeck, distingwished rooler," was my 
 reply. " Dont you think you bed better resine, and retire, like 
 anuther Sinsinnatus, to the hog and hominy of privit life?" 
 
 " The kentry would be wuss off with Harnlin," returnt ho.
 
 230 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 " The ainshent Hannabul warnt more attacht to the intrests of 
 Afriky than he is." 
 
 " Thats troo, too," I replide ; " but mebbe ef the virtoous head 
 of the Guverment was to retire, the Vice would be too moddest 
 to axsept the vakinsy." 
 
 " Will a cluck swim ?" he responded, stretchin the fingers 
 of his right hand in a farseeshus and fan-like manner, and 
 restin his thum on the most promenent feter of his pursonal car- 
 rickter. 
 
 I felt I was anserd. Thars no Roman virtoo in the dignitories 
 of the present day. Ketch enny of our Curtisses leapin inter the 
 gulf. 
 
 Arter sittin a few minnits in moody silence, reflectin on modern 
 dejennyracy, I axed him abruply ef he wouldent reconstruck his 
 Cabnet. 
 
 " Cant do it," ses he. 
 
 " Wharfore cam you ?" I interrogerated. 
 
 " Bekase," ses he, " amung the uther oaths I tuck on ' Helper's 
 Crysis', I swore to keep em in wun and insuperable as long as 
 my own lease of offis lasted." 
 
 ." Ef thats the case," I replide, bluntly, " its my opinyun your 
 lease of offis will be shorter'n you andizzypate." 
 
 " Wai," he responded, with a sithe, " it kant be helped. Hevin 
 sworn on the sacrid volum of my church, and bein a member in 
 good standin, I musn't resk my salvashin by backin down." 
 
 "Think of the salvashin of the Union," ses I. 
 
 " Evry man for hisself, and the devil take the hindmost," he 
 anserd, castin his eyes uppards. 
 
 " Yes," ses I, with a groan, " I bleeve that is the creed of the 
 present Administrashin." 
 
 But mebbe he will relent. Let us hop so. 
 
 As I was about to leve the presence, he tuck me by the button 
 and axed me ef I knew wot was the diffrence atwixt my frend, 
 Honest Abe, and a Seecesh planter. I rekwested him to spit it 
 out, for I was in a hurry, and hed to attend sum to serus bizness. 
 
 " Why," ses he, " the diffrence is that one's the slave of pren- 
 ceple, and the other's the prencepal of slaves." 
 
 I whistled ironically. 
 
 " Slop," he continued, " I've got anuther for you. Why is a 
 splendid milentary banner like a black sojer? You'd never 
 gess it, so I'll tell you. Its bekase its wun of the Pomps of 
 war." 
 
 I jerked back, indignently, leavin the button in his hand, and
 
 m 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 281 
 
 hastend to the Nayshinal to rite this letter, and subscribe myself, 
 despairinly, Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 P. S. Ef I ken perswade the President to dismiss the Consti- 
 tooshinal Advisers and hire a new set, I shell do so. I shell hey 
 anuther talk with him airly nex week. 
 
 No. LXXXI. 
 
 [In the art of scarifying imbecility in a covert way, we know 
 of few satirists who can hold a candle to the Disbanded. Peruse 
 the following letter, patriotic reader, if you want to see a little 
 skinning sarcastically done. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, December 24, 1862. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Burjuside may not be wun of these onrepressabul milentary 
 fenixes as nose no setch ward as fail, but he's a morril hero, and 
 no mistake. Ef he kant take brestwurks like a Wellington, he 
 ken take responsability like a brick. He lifts all the blame of 
 the Fredericksbug affair from the sholders of the Administra- 
 shin, and offers hisself a willin sacrifice to save the President 
 from censhur. In this respeck he reminds me of the eggsern- 
 plary Isick, of Skripter sellebrity, who was willin to hev his 
 throte cut for the benefit of the Father Abraham of ainshent 
 times. The oney difference atwixt the two magnannymus indi- 
 vidyals is, that Isick eskaped with a scare, while thar is no let 
 up wotsumdever for the onfortnit Ambrose. 
 
 It must be a wunderful consolashin to the nayshin to larn 
 from the Committy on the Conduck of the War, that evrything 
 was dun for the best. The librality of the War Department in 
 placin onboundcd confidence in a ginral who declared he hed no 
 confidence in hisself, must allus stand conspickus in history as a 
 pruff of the perfound nollidge of human natur possest by the 
 dubble team of lawyers at present harnest to the war-chariot of 
 the Union. How plesent it must be to the peeple to know that 
 insted of bein onyoked and turnt out to grass, they air to be 
 continued in the traces, and suffered to flounder along the 
 bluddy track ontil they get fairly stuck among heeps of slor- 
 terd heroes and further proggress is onpossabul.
 
 233 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 The address of the illustrus Abe to the Army of the Potomac 
 (witch is the offspring of his own niity mind, onaded by any 
 hint from me) butifully clars away the smoke from the battel- 
 feeld of the Rapperhamtnock, and shows that the slite check we 
 receved in buckin agin onsirmountable obstickles was merely 
 the result of wun of those triflin "axidents" that will happen in 
 the best regilated milentary famalies. Ginral Schunk, if you 
 recolleck, met with a sirnildar misfortin on a small skale, when 
 he butted six or sevin car-loads of sojers inter a maskt battery at 
 Vienna, in the beginnin of the war. Strange as it may seem to 
 the plus mind, a blind reliance on soopernalral favor doosent 
 seem to pay. The Providence as shapes our eends oney doos 
 the polishin off, and ef the blockin out is dun blindfolded, wot 
 is to be eggspected in consekens but " the leetle eend of nuthin 
 whittled down to a pint". The triumfant manner in witch 
 Burnside recrost the river on the sly, is jestly considered a 
 grate explite by the President. It was sartainly nuther an error 
 nor an " axident", but the brilyant idee of a sooperior intelleck 
 witch hevin but one hole to creep out at, hed the saygasity not 
 to be abuv makin use of it. 
 
 The concludin passidge of my nobul frend's address, whar he 
 simperthises with the " severely wounded" is creditabul to his 
 sensabilities. Also it shows the oridginality of his discrirninatin 
 mincl. An ornary man, in his sitiwashin, would hev simper- 
 thised with the onfortnit cripples without distinkshin of pursons, 
 but he benevlcntly sellecks the wurst cases for his affeckshinit 
 regairds, levin the flesh cuts and mild perferashins resultin from 
 the "axident", to derive cumfurt from the reflexshin that it 
 raought hev ben an all-fired sight wurse. 
 
 It is a luvly trait in the modern Father of his Kentry, that he 
 never blames ennyboddy for dooin ennything witch evrybody 
 sees might hev ben avided ; nor for not dooin ennything witch 
 was absolutely necessary to prevent " axidents". What a happy 
 thing it is for this glorius nayshin that our Cheef Madgistrit's 
 hed is not of the same saft materyal as his hart. Ef it was we 
 mought find it a hard matter to "ockapy and possess" the 
 rebellytts South doorin his term of offls. 
 
 I hope the North is satisfied that the delay of the pontoons 
 ontil the faverable moment for leadin the army over em to hull- 
 sail slorter, was wun of those onforscen suckemstauces over 
 witch noboddy lies enuy control. Halleck gin the order to hev 
 em sent on ; but in coarse it warnt his bizness to know whether 
 it was attended to. As Blundersby (I think tliat's his name) says
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEll. 283 
 
 in the play of Domboy and Son, " ef so be they was sent, so, 
 and ef so be as they warnt sent, why so also." Axidentally it 
 was " so also'. Major Ginral Halleck, I would hev the pubJick 
 to know, hes his place as distinkly defined as ef he was head 
 butler in a privit famaly. Now a head butler you know 
 mought consistently order the footman to tell the housemaid to 
 leave word with the cook to send the errand-boy to desire the 
 ostler to request the coachman to harness up the hosses, drive 
 the kerridge to the doctor's, and bring him forthwith to attend 
 the sick master of the establishment. Bat ef the order warnt 
 eggscuted and the sick boss died in consekens, the butler 
 wouldent be to blame you know. Bern suckemstanced precisely 
 the same, Ginral Halleck must be simildarly eggscused. Its 
 dredful to think that some people should be so onrighleously 
 ignorant of oflishal etiket, as to spose the Ginral orter hev seen 
 as his dereckshins was obeyed. Setch things is never dun. I 
 hope you will make this fact clar to the vox populie ; for tho 
 you will hardly bleeve it, sum fokes is inconsiderit enulT to lay 
 the blud of the brave men wiped out in the battel of Fredericks- 
 burg at Ginral Halleck's door. As I wunst remarkt on a prevus 
 ockashin, " Republicks is ongrateful". 
 
 The Constitooshinal Advisers, bein of a tenasshus nater, 
 intends to stick to the President and thar places. They rallid 
 around him airly in the week and ashoored that imminent States- 
 man that they would never desart him. I was not present at 
 the affectin intervew, but was informt that Stanton's spectikles 
 was dim with tears, and that the baird of Welles kwivered with 
 onrcpressabul einoshcn. Setch is thar devoshin to my high- 
 minded frend, that ef evry city and town in the Union was to get 
 up mass meetins and petishin for thar retirement, I skarsly think 
 they would hev the hart to tare tharselves away. I should like 
 to see the eggsperiment tried, ef it was oney to test thar paytry- 
 itisin. 
 
 Christmas past rayther glumily here ; the convalessent sojcrs, 
 howsever, was treted to a first-rate dinner, thanks to the 
 inirest taken in thar welfare by Mrs. Smith, the genrus help- 
 meat of the Coiistitooshinal Adviser of the Interior Department. 
 
 Ilopin that the little " axident ' on the Rapperhammock will 
 be lucked upon in its troo light by a conliJin people, I remain 
 confusedly, 
 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 
 234 WAR LETTEHS OF 
 
 No. LXXXH. 
 
 [Our trustworthy correspondent and representative near the 
 Court of Washington opens his series of letters for 1863 in his 
 most sarcastic vein. The " Constitooshinal Advisers" get some 
 pretty hard rubs ; but the Disbanded's humor is so peculiar that 
 some folks think him in earnest when he is jest ; and others that 
 he is jest when he is in earnest. He reserves his opinion on the 
 Proclamation, on the ground that he has not yet had time to 
 understand clearly what it means. It appears to us to be simple 
 enough, however. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, January 2, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerJcary : 
 
 All the Constitooshinal Advisers, bein now fixt in thar births 
 faster'n they was afore the Fredericksburg miscarridge, the nay- 
 shin may luck forrard with cherful confidens to a new serious of 
 fienancyal, milentary and navel aborshins. Mr. Chase, the dis- 
 tingwisht rnanyfactorer of paper masJiy playthings for groan 
 childern, is preparin a new Treshury Game for the gay seesin, to 
 be called the " Triuinps of Trumpery ". It consists of picter 
 keards of varus desines, intended for bilden housen arter the 
 pattern of the Shattoes in Spain. The game is simpel and eesily 
 seen throo ; and is kept on a slate to witch a spunge is attacht, 
 for wipin out the figgers at the conclushin. I onderstand it is 
 intended to lustrate the great moneytary prencepul that the 
 saiftest way to raise the wind is to inflate the currency. The 
 Seckatry of the Treshury hes peculiar idees on the spondoolick 
 kwestin, witch, in his capassity of Constitooshinal Adviser, he 
 yestday enfolded to my strong-minded frend, the President, as 
 follers : 
 
 " Abe," ses he (for he allus addresses the President as a man 
 and a bruther, and not as a high old public funkshinary) " Abe> 
 my feller citysin," ses he, " gold is the solid, portabul ritches of 
 a kentiy, is it not ?" 
 
 " I cornseed the pint," replide the secldnd Washington. 
 
 " Wai, then," continued the Seckatry, " the more the nayshin's 
 gold is wuth in the hum market, in coarse the richer the nayshin 
 is ; you'll not attemp to contrivert that ?" 
 
 " Nary contrivert," anserd the lied of the Guverment, flippin 
 up a nickel and ketchin it in the pam of his hand. 
 
 " Wai," resoomed the custoadyun of the publick pus, " I hev
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 235 
 
 alreddy raised the valley of gold thirty per sent abuv the ornary 
 level, and I intend to keep it a mountin ontil it reeches ninety 
 or a hunderd per sent abuv par, and evry gold dollar in the 
 kentry, incloodin the ror materyal in Californy, is wuth two 
 dollars. What do you think of that, now, my troo American ? 
 and yet the conservatives say line impoverishin the kentry." 
 
 " But," ses the Eggseggative, runnin his fingers throo his har, 
 as if he was makin winrows of it, " gold hesent riz abroad, hes 
 it ? and if our merchants purchis thar truck whar a gold dollar's 
 oney wuth its face, and hes to sell whar the same coin's wuth 
 two dollars, it peers to me that the coimnershil intrest will sun 
 go to the ." 
 
 "Let the commershil intrest keep its muniay to hum," he 
 rejined, sharply. " Tuther side of the Atlantick is agin us. Let 
 us inskribe on our banners," ses he, in a bust of paytryotic 
 devoshin, " Let us prent on our Star-Spangled and glory-striped 
 standard, ' No connexshin with the beggars opposit.' " 
 
 " O ! that, indeed," remarkt the President, cherfully eggstendin 
 his hand witch the Seckatry skweeged with emoshin, in token 
 that they understood wunanuther. So the Seckatry's new game 
 receved the Presidenshil sankshin, and ef Congress is willin, the 
 picters will be reddy for delivery purty recently. 
 
 Perfeck repose prevails in the Navy Department. The 
 respecktabul longshoreman as persides over it feels sorry for the 
 Ariel, and thinks the Californy gold hed better be shipt direct by 
 the way of Cape Horn in futur, or at least ontil setch time as the 
 Pacific Railroad is finisht, or the Alabammer capturd, witchever 
 of those two cummin events may chanst to happen first. He 
 considers it an act of cremiuel keerlessness in the San Fran- 
 cisky nabobs, knowin wot they know, to have resked ennything 
 in the Gulf onder the American flag. " Stupid Old Tops," ses 
 he, " why diddent they ship in English bottoms." He thinks the 
 best way for the American ship oners and shipping merchants 
 to protect thai-selves agin loss, is to keep all thar ships in port 
 and let furrin vessels do the carryin trade, ontil the Alabammer, 
 and the Oreter, and the uther rebel priviteers is captered by the 
 San Jasento or the Tuskyroarer, or sum of Wilkes's flyiu Squod- 
 run as anuilates time and space at the rate of six nots an hour. 
 
 Thar was a gay time at the White House yestday. Evrybody 
 as is ennybody called to wish the illustrus ockipants a happy 
 new year, and ofter thar cougratilashins on the state of the 
 kentry. Menny large corntractors was on hand and gin thar 
 vews of pollytickle economy, with witch the President was
 
 236 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 mutch delited. All the Constitooshinal Advisers paid thar 
 respecks, and Messrs. Halleck and Stanton presented the plan of 
 a new milentary Annie Condy for 1863 ; but Mr. Lincoln sed he 
 could nuther make head nor tale of it, and Seward remark! in 
 his sourcaustic way that it reminded him onrepressably of a 
 Gaudyan Not of red tape, and that the best thing the President 
 could do was to cut it. 
 
 Chase was in high sperrits, and arter the bizness conversashin 
 I hev elsewhar referd too, him and the President hed sum very 
 plesent joaks together. " Torkin of bonds, Chase," sez the latter, 
 " wot do you think of the bonds of matteromoney ?" 
 
 The Seckatry blusht salmon cullur as he rcmarkt in reply, 
 that he was negoshiatin for sum skrip of that carricktcr with a 
 vew to the consolidashin of the Union. Welles cuming up at 
 the moment, the Cheef Madgistrit axed him why Chase wos 
 like Neckar, a sellybratcd French Seckatry of the Treshury. 
 The Venabul Navel funkshinary didn't take he never doos 
 and the President eggsplainecl that ." Salmon P. reminded him of 
 Neckar, bekase he pershood a Neck or nuthin pollysee." Skarsly 
 hed the larf at. this killin wittyschism sobsided, when Mr. Lin- 
 coln, with a glistenin eye, perpounded anulher. " Why," ses he, 
 " is our esteemable frend from Ohio like a lottery dealer ?" Blair 
 thort it was prehaps on ackount of his bein engaged to be marrid, 
 and marridge bein a lottery. Bat the President informd us, with 
 a wink, that it was " bekase he was the Chance Seller of the 
 Exchecker." Mr. Chase lucked rayther blank at this definishin, 
 and edgin his way outer the crowd around the Eggseggative, 
 went and sot down in the furthest corner of the rum, whar he 
 tuck the Mansipayshin Proclamashin outer his pocket, and began 
 to stucldy it. Shortly arter that I made my adoos, as the French 
 say, and as I past out he was still porin over that interestin 
 dockyment, Avith evry aperience of a man in the airly stages of 
 morril insanity. 
 
 I spose the publick will expeck my opinyun of the Mancipay- 
 shin Proclamashin in this letter. The publick will be disap- 
 pinted. I hev oney hed it in my hands a few hours for the 
 President made it entirely outer his own head without consultin 
 me and Ime not sartain that I onclerstand it. I think howsever 
 I shall be abel to git it thro my bar by the date of my next 
 epistol, and ontil then I remain (runiinatin deeply), 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBAKDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 A. DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 237 
 
 No. LXXXIII. 
 
 [The out-spoken old soldier gives below, in Ms own peculiar 
 style, the details of a highly interesting conversation between 
 himself and the President, in relation to the Emancipation 
 Manifesto and other matters ol moment. The patriotic reader 
 will be pleased to learn that the fi ank interchange of sentiments 
 between Mr. Lincoln and his truest friend, which was for a time 
 interrupted by a clique of politicians whom it would be gross 
 flattery to call statesmen, has been renewed under circumstances 
 equally honorable to both parties. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, January 8, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Herkary : 
 
 Senst my last, the President and me hes hed a confldenshil 
 confab on the Mansipayshin Proclamashin. In consekens of 
 the intreegs of sarlain snaiks in the grass, that is a hissin and a 
 skorn to all straitforrard paytryits, a coolness hed sprung up 
 atween us, but on "Wensday he gin me a speshil awjence and we 
 renewed the intent cordial over a glass of the prime old Hennes- 
 see, witch he keeps in a privit cubby hole for the use off his troo 
 frencls. Altho a Total Obstinant hisself he sor no resin, he sed, 
 why an old wetterun like D. V. shouldn't wet his whissel with 
 thimbulful of O. D. V. now and then ef he felt like it. 
 
 This prclimindary bein disposed of he axed roe, as a man sirk- 
 elatin freely in sosity, wot the publick at large thortof the Edick 
 of the First of January. 
 
 Ses I, " Sum thinks its a big meshure, and uther sum that 
 youve put your foot in it." 
 
 "And wot do you think of it," he remarkt rayther nar- 
 vusly. 
 
 " Wai," ses I, " I considder it a new pruff that the pen is nri- 
 tyer'n the swoord ; for it peers to me that wot your pen rit in 
 hai'e an hour it will take an alltejus long time for the swoord to 
 redooce to practiss. 
 
 " Then I spose you luck upon it as a bad egg," rejined he. 
 " Your idee is that ontil weve whipt the whites its no use tor- 
 kin about braking the yoke of the blacks." 
 
 " Not eggsackly that," I replied, " but it doos seem to me that 
 pen and ink manyfesters is ridickalus here, without sum moove- 
 ment in the army stashinery at Falinouth."
 
 238 WAB LETTERS Off 
 
 " But," subjested the President, " thars a fine openin for the 
 proclamashin in the Sow West. See how Kosencranch hes 
 druv the rebels outer Murphysburrow." 
 
 " My sangwin frend," ses I, " I hevent made up my mind yet 
 whether Rosencranch has wun a victry or barly eskaped a de- 
 feet. And besides," I added smutherin a larf, " youve blocked 
 your own game in that kwarter by speshilly eggseptin the dar- 
 keys of Tennessee, Kaintucky, and Missoora, from the blessin of 
 bein ' hensforrard and forever free.' Whar you could hev gin 
 Sambo libty and helped him to maintain it, you hev left him in 
 slavery, and whar you hevent a man or a gun to back him, you 
 hev invited him to rise with the sartainty of gettin his throat 
 cut." 
 
 " D. V., I'm afeard you put the case too traoly," he responded, 
 "but it never struck me in that light afore." 
 
 " That's bekase you lent your ear to a passel of asses," ses I, 
 " insted of trustin to a faithful old hoss like me, as never bolts 
 the strait track of common sense and common jestice. You fol- 
 ler the lead of them Constitooshinal Advisers of youm, and see 
 ef they don't land you on your head in the bottomless pit of 
 pollytickle perdishin," ses I. 
 
 "Wot ken I doo?" he eggsclamed implorinly. "I'm like 
 Isacur atwixt two burdens wot ken I do ?" 
 
 "Kick," ses I, "send em flyin. Rare up in madjesty of your 
 manhood, and giv em goss. Moove the Army of the Potomac 
 from the banks of the Rapperhammock Avhar's its no more use 
 than Faro's host at the bottom of the Red Sea. Thar's more 
 roads to Richmound than wun, isent thar ?" ses I. 
 
 " But Stanton and Halleck both say " 
 
 " In coarse they both say," I shouted skcrnfully, " theyre the 
 greatest sayers out Wot the Kentry wants is sumboddy that 
 will do." 
 
 " I know it, I feel it," ses he, " but wots to be dun ?" 
 
 " Ship em," I replide. " Give em thar walkin papers and try 
 Holt and Butler, or Butler and Maclellin in thar places. I used 
 to think Maclellin was rayther slow, but I don't bleve it would 
 ever take him a fortnit to send a lot of pontoons a hunderd 
 milds." 
 
 '" It sartainly wouldn't pay," ses the President musingly, " for 
 that army to remain moshinless in Statue Co all winter. The 
 nayshinal eggspenditoors is uppards of two millyuns a day and 
 not four hunderd thousand cummin iu, and the iucum tax not 
 due for four munts yet."
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 289 
 
 " Pay !" I cried, jumpin onto a cheer in a aggerny of irrita- 
 sliin. " Pay ! I tell you it would break the Nayshin's hart." 
 
 " "Wall," ses he, in a husky vice, " wot route do you think 
 Burnside oughter take." 
 
 I sot down, and dippin my finger in the water pitcher, drord a 
 cumpleat map of the seat of war in Virginny on the rosewood 
 table, includin the Rapperhammock, the Rapid Ann, the James, 
 the York, the Ohickenhominy, the Pawmonkey, Shocko Crick, 
 Hamton Rodes, Fort Monro and the Rip Raps. That dun I laid 
 down a line of march, witch if follerd up, would land us in 
 Richmound by the middle of February. The President ap- 
 prooved the plan, and ef he lies the firmness to stick to it and 
 ken find ennybody as is competent to carry it out, we may yet 
 dictate turms of peace from the rebel capital, afore our own cap- 
 ital is all eggspended. I am not aloud even to wisper the par- 
 ticklers in confidens ; but I raaly think that ef the President's 
 vertebray doosent give out, the back bone of the rebellyun will 
 hev to give in. Wishin speedy destruckshin to the latter spinal 
 collume and more vim and viggor to the former I remain, the 
 President's Right Hand Man and 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXXIV. 
 
 [If ever our patriotic correspondent was fervidly in earnest, 
 it was when he wrote the following letter. It was evidently 
 Indited under strong excitement ; yet, after all, he only gives 
 expression to the thoughts of every man of common sense who, 
 without prejudice, fear, or favor, looks the present crisis squarely 
 in the face. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, January 23, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 It takes considabul to ruin a great kentry ; but the thing ken 
 be dun, ef a jint stock cumpany of loonatisks, and fools, and 
 swindlers, and theves is entrusted with the job, and keeps at it 
 long enuff. This gloryus republick, Messrs. Eddyturs, is now 
 at the marcy of a seleck few from the two first classes, and a 
 multitood as uo man ken number from the two last ; and things
 
 240 WAR LETTEB.8 OF 
 
 looks as favorabul for its goin to everlastin smash as enny 
 enemee of free institooshuns and frend of the devil ken possably 
 desire. Tbars obstickles in the way, I admit. We hev a furrin 
 trade as carries our sales and paddles into evry sea. We hev 
 eenamost onlimited intarnal resorses. We hev an army of a 
 millyun of the bravest men as ever sholdered a shootin-iron, in 
 the feeld ; and a navy of three hundred and fifty ships and thirty- 
 five thousand sailors on the oshin and in harbor. Bat nolwith- 
 standin all this, our merchant vessels is burned by pirits so near 
 our shores that we ken purty nigh smell the smoke ; furrin craft 
 runs throo our blockadin skwadrons as easy as fallin off a log ; 
 our credit and carrickter arnung the nashins of the airth is nix ; 
 and our armies is led into the most convenient places that is to 
 be found on the map for bein slortered without the slightest 
 chanst for victry. It may take some years to rooin the Nay shin, 
 even by this paytent prosess, for it is tufier "n indy rubber, and 
 twiste as springy ; but with parseverance and the assistence of 
 id3 r otic currency tinkers and smart Guverrnent comtractors, the 
 eend may be ackomplisht, ef our eggsellent President, the seck- 
 ind edishin of the Father of his Kentry, with all the modern 
 improovements, presarves his Roman firmness, and keeps his 
 foot set down agen all changes in his Cabnet. 
 
 You mustn't spose, Messrs. Eddyturs, that I mean enny disres- 
 peck to that extrornary man. His buzzum is full of paj-tryotic 
 sentiments jest about as good as they make ern. Even wen his 
 head misleeds him, he is allus, to use an eggspreshin of his own, 
 " sound on the goose''. The difiikulty is this. Sartain mem- 
 bers of the Cabnel hev perswaded him that with thar assistance 
 he ken restore the Union, and not otherways. Ef they hed told 
 him that they tharselves, by thar own onassisted talent and 
 genus could put things strait, his nateral penetrashin would hev 
 seen throo em, and overboard theyd hev went. But by makin 
 him the hero of the drayrna and pretendin to be soopernoomerees, 
 they hev contrived to identify tharselves with hisself on the 
 united-we-stand-divided-we-fall prenceple, and he acktilly thinks 
 that ef he was to dismiss ein, the kentry would cullaps and the 
 Guverment be a goner. 
 
 In coarse I hev labored faithfully to cure him of this onhappy 
 noshin, but I find it oupossabul to make the desired impresshin. 
 He perfesses the same frenship for me as ever. He brings out 
 the Coneyac and liungoheeler as ushil, and lissens to my eggs- 
 posishins with the solemnity of a nainshent Nester, but when I 
 hev sed my say, insted of givin me an approovin nod, as he
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEK. 241 
 
 used to do formally, he signifies his dissent in a brace of shakes. 
 Ime sumtimes iuklined to think his head is going. Ken it be 
 that a black cloud is getherin over that wunst fair intelleck? Is 
 it declinin from fair to liiicldlin, and will it finally run emptyins ? 
 I say to myself, sumtimes, is this man, wunst considerd so clar- 
 sighted, destined to becurn a Leer. Will a time cum when like 
 that onfortnit monnick he will not know tnutF to go in when it 
 rains ? It may be so. We know what we air, but we know not 
 wot we shall be. We know wot he is, but the Lord oney knows 
 wot he will be. 
 
 In the meantime and a very mean time it is the Coiistitoo- 
 shinal Advisers persoos thar ornary line of pollysee. The Seck- 
 atry of War and his milentary twin the General in Cheef con- 
 tinues cam and cumpleasant. The dead of Fredericksburg and 
 Vicksbug peers to sit eesy on thar souls. Wot thar futur plans 
 is I dont know. Praps they place thar trust in Providence, 
 praps in the chapter of axedents ; a chapter to which thar per- 
 ceedins hes made so menny horribul addishins. Sartainly they 
 dont relic on the Army of the Potomac, witch, accordin to tho 
 hyferlutin of wun of em, hes " ceast to eggsisi". Sum thousands 
 of its oridginal members hes ondoubtedly " ceast to eggsist", 
 thanks to the negleck of the War Department, in failin to 
 see to the fulfillment of its own orders, and in buckin brest- 
 bones agen brestwurks at Fredericksburg. Ef the epaletted 
 funkshinary as made the remark, and Avho never was onder fire 
 senst the Lord made him, lied " ceast to eggsist", hafe an hour 
 arter he becum a ginralissimo at Washinton, it would hev ben a 
 blessed suckemstance. But of individyals of his kidney, " few 
 dies and nun resigns.'' 
 
 Wai, this army, dead or alive, is now across the Rapperham- 
 mock, and between this and Sunday you and me and the public, 
 may hev an opportoonity to know wether Major-Ginral Halleck's 
 intiinashin that it is a disorganized mob is troo or false. If it 
 onfortaitly proove troo let the blame rest upon him and Stanton, 
 who placed at the head of the flour of -the American Army a 
 leder as declared hisself incompetent to command it, and who 
 failed to supply him with the means of crossin the Rapperharn- 
 mock when he could hev obtaned an eesy victry. Skirmishin, 
 ef not a giural engagement, is now goin on atwixt a porshin of 
 Burnsicle'g troops and Ginral Lee's rare, and the bleef in Wash- 
 ington is that we hev hcd the wurst of it. 
 
 But Ime forgettin that afore this epistol cums to hand youll 
 know the trooth or at leest as much of it as the milentary 
 11
 
 342 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 blatherskites as rools the roast here, thinks the suverin peeple 
 oughter know. 
 
 Hopin for the best, and trustin that the God of Armies will 
 nooteralize the assanine counsels and projecks of the idyots 
 who hev wasted so much preshus blood, and giv us success in 
 spite of em, I remain, prayin for the Union, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXXV. 
 
 [Like a true friend, the Disbanded this week comes to the 
 rescue of the President, and ably combats the aspersions which 
 have been cast upon his intellectual powers. With generous 
 devotedness, he endeavors to show that the charges of imbecility 
 made against our excellent Chief Magistrate are in the highest 
 degree indecorous and improper. He scarifies Senator Sauls- 
 bury, of Delaware, for denouncing him as incompetent, and 
 manifests the warmest sympathy for him as a ruler, a man, and 
 a brother. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, January 80, 1862 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 A purty state of things we're cummin to, when a Sennitor 
 gits up in his place and charges the Head of the Nashin with 
 imbesillyty. Saulsberry, a copperhead from the humapathic 
 State of Delawar, as you air well awar, a tacted the highest 
 publick funkshiimary in the most vipertuperative langwidge on 
 Tuesday last. He sed, in efFeck, that the modern Father of his 
 Kentry was a rnissabul spoon, for witch he was very properly 
 taken inter custardy, notwithstandin his attemp to inaugcrate a 
 rcvolushin with his revolver. I rite warmly on the subjeck, for 
 I feel riled and put by to think that myillustrus frend should be 
 held up to public conternp as a foo-foo. Ef it lied a ben a Con- 
 stitooshinal Adviser now, I wouldent hev keered a mite ; but to 
 call honest Old Abe a ninnycumpoop right out in meetin, thus 
 givin countenance to 'the skandalus reports of that nater sirkila- 
 tin all over the kentry, peers to me to be sackreligus and onchris- 
 trian. Even ef our paytryotic Cheef Madgistrit, insted of bein, 
 as he is, the Solomon of the Western Heniaspear, worrit more'n
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 243 
 
 half rocked, would it be right for wun of his own kentrymen, 
 nussed in the same cradle of Libty as hisself, and ockapyin a 
 seat in the Upper House, to call him a nidiot ? George the Third 
 acktilly was a nidiot, and yet I never heerd of a member of the 
 Brittish Parleyment throwin it up to him in 3 speetch. 
 
 I was on the flore of the Sennit when the Delawar chap pitcht 
 inter the President, and am bound to say that his remarks was 
 extree-venamus ; so much so that I felt it to be my dooty to call 
 at the White House and simperthise with its ockypant as I would 
 with a bruther. Ses I to him : " Wot ef you did hold palavers 
 with Burnside's offsirs, onbeknown to him ; and wot ef you did 
 encurridge em to pore thar greevances inter your privit ear ; and 
 wot ef you did dekline to remoov em when the Ginral ackused 
 em of undermindin, and baring false witness and leaguin together 
 to set the army agin him, hedent you a right to do it ? Air you 
 not," ses I, "the Cummander-in-Cheef; and ef you chuse to be 
 gided by back-stair reports in your milentary pollysee, is that 
 enny pruff," ses I, " that your brain's addled ? Spose you did 
 pervent Macdoil from jinin Maclellin at the critickle moment, 
 and interfear with Burnside when he thort he hed a shoor thing, 
 thats not to say you're an ignoramus." 
 
 Horris Greely's idees about stoppin the war in May or June, 
 ef we dont lick the rebels and make em sue for a piece by that 
 time, is creatin considabul of a sensashin here, and it is torked 
 around in pollytickle sirkils that him and the French Plenipeni- 
 tentiary and the French Ernpror is skeemin to hev France o<fer 
 mediashin immediently. I gess Nap the III wont ketch us nap- 
 pin, ef he tries it on. Ef he wants to wake up a hornet's nest 
 and git his comb cut, jest let him thrust his nose inter the" Union 
 hive, thats all. Ime sprised that Horris, who hes hertofore starnly 
 refused to countenance ennything in the shape of a divishin of 
 the Union, should kinder turn doe-face now. His vews is gall 
 and wurmwood to the comtracktors here, who are all in faver of 
 carryin on the war to the bitter eend. They think he oughter 
 be rested at wunst for high treason, and brort on here onder a 
 warrant from the Seckatry of State. Sartainly, Boilo, of tho 
 Philadelphy Eoening Jemil, got inter hot water for a much less 
 matter. But, as the sayin is, sum men ken steel hosses without 
 bein hawld up for it, while uther sum is licable to be hung for 
 hevin a halter about em. In the Supreme Court abuv thars no 
 distinkshin of pursons ; but our supreme orthorities not onrre- 
 kwently shets thar eyes to the pickadillies of pursons of destink- 
 shin, and takes it out in flaxin out the noboddies. It seems
 
 244 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 strange to menny that the eddytur of the Inboon, arter promisin 
 nigh onto a millyun of men to the Gruverment as sun as the 
 mansipayshin of the blacks and the confisticashin of the property 
 of the rebel whites was proclamecl, should be the first to cum 
 forrard in faver of backin out. But pollytickle eddyturs is not 
 like uther men^, they air fearfully and wunderfully made, and 
 partake considabul of the nater of that singlar fowl called the 
 wethercock, which allus changes frunt in a storm. I may men- 
 shin as a case in pint, that it is whisperd around here amung 
 New Yorkers that Thurlo Weed is goin to form a coalishin 
 with Wood for the porpus of gettin up a great controllin par- 
 ty in your State. It may not be altogether troo, prehaps, but 
 whar thars so mutch smoke thars shoor to be sum fire, and 
 when getch eggstreams meets, it shows the rottenness of party 
 pollyticks. 
 
 Thars also a rummer here that my destingwished brother 
 Unionist, the President, is in faver of closin up the war wun 
 way or tuther in ninety days, but I feel satisfide the story is a 
 cunard set aflote by agents of the Brittish Guverment, and Ime 
 inklined to think that the curryspondent of the London Times 
 in your city is at the bottom of it. I onderstand Seckatry Sew- 
 ard lies his eye on the swell, and ef he doosent look out, its not 
 onlikely that he'll git hisself in a tight place sunner'n he andiz- 
 zypates. 
 
 The trooth is that the issoo of the war is nuther more nor 
 less than a kwestin of endoorance. Ef we dont cave in, the 
 rebels must ; and its my bleef that ef they warnt encurridged 
 by a passel of white-liverd Nuthern eddyturs and speetch- 
 makers, they'd cry pigcavi right away. 
 
 With sentiments of perfound contemp for setch reptyles, I 
 remane, with a cuss on all cowards, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXXVI. 
 
 [A sly letter, a very sly letter, this week. No body under- 
 stands better than our quizzical correspondent that " undeserved 
 praise is censure in disguise". We recommend his compliment- 
 ary notices of the navy and war luminaries to the sympathies 
 of our readers. EDS.]
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 245 
 
 NAYSHINAI, HOTTEL, WASIUNGTON, February 5, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Gurus, isent it, that jest e,s wo was on the pint of razing Charles- 
 tun to the ground, thar should be strong ground for sposin that 
 Charlestun lies razed the blockaid. Makin all doo deduckshins 
 for Bowerygard's eggsagerashins and Ingarhuin's bolderdash, the 
 tail cummin as it doos ofishally from head kwarters kennot be 
 sot clown as altogether a fish story. Grandfather "VYhitehead, the 
 venabul sumnambulist as holds the portfoolyou of the Navy 
 Department, bleves it I onderstand. As he was awar that the 
 rebels was gettin reddy two powerful iron rams at Charlestun, 
 and that we lied nuthin fit to tackel em in the harbor, he nater- 
 ally concloods tliat they may have bucked inter the squodrun 
 and given us considabul of a muttoning. With his ushil 
 prompness, howsever, he no sunner heerd of the owdashus at- 
 tact, than he ordered four more gunboats to be sent South from 
 the New York Navy Yard, with immedient dispatch, and I lam 
 on good orthority that ef nuthin onforseen happens, the Nan- 
 tuckit, the Samgamnion, and two uther iron clads may be lucked 
 for on the seen of the late outrage in about two weeks. The 
 Department is beseeched by scores of ankshus inkwirers, and 
 the eggsightment is intens. But the Seckatry is ekwil to the 
 immerginsea. He strokes his baird self-cumpleasantly, and ses 
 we must be prepard for ockashinal discomforters. Upon the 
 hull, he thinks the Charlestun affair won't turn out to be mutch 
 wurse'n than the Merrimack's flare up in Hamton Roads, or the 
 Galvestunjfaas&o. It lies ben subjested to him in a mild and 
 frendly wisper, that as luck appeers to be agin him, it wouldent 
 be a bad idee for him to resign ; but he intermates that he will 
 sheer the forten of the nayshin as long as Uncle Sam hes a shot 
 in the locker. The slytest hint at desartin the President at the 
 present junkter mooves him to tears. Borroring a nietafore 
 from his former line of life he swars he will never give up his 
 post ontil the King of Terrors consines him to the ded letter 
 office. The tenassity of Constitooshinal Advisers is amazin. 
 Ticks clings doggedly to the cuetickle of a tarrier, mussels holds 
 on like grim death to the rocks, and barnickles on ships bottoms 
 sticks clostern a bruther, but the way a Constitooshinal Adviser 
 adhears to his " coin of vantage", as the poick ses, is a oawshin 
 to Cabnet curosities. You will recolleck that when it was hinted 
 around that the diffydent Stanton and the vidgelant and thort- 
 ful Halleck was about to retire, I clident goinside with the ginral 
 opiuyun cggsprcst by outsiders on that subjeck. I new those
 
 248 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 great men of old. I was awar of thar devoshin to prenceple 
 and that intrest was a seckendary considerashin with em. I was 
 satisfied that there was no sackrifiz they warn't prepard to 
 make, sunner'n shift the responsability to uther sholders. And 
 line proud to say I didn't put too low an estimit on thar paytry- 
 itism. Look at em. Thar they stand, firm and self-possest, like 
 two Payshenses on a Moneyrnent smildin at Grief. As for Seck- 
 atry Welles I consider him anuther Markus Curtis reddy for a 
 rush inter the Gulf whenever his kentry demands the fatal 
 splurge. 
 
 The Triboon's last propersishin, to eend the war with the 
 present camppain, no matter witch whips, is perdoocin the live- 
 liest ernoshins of hope, and gratitood in the buzzums of the 
 eeecesh simperthisers here. His bold novel and strikin asser- 
 shin that " ef our armies do not whip theirn, theirn '11 whip 
 ourn" is univarsally konsiderd a masterpeace of lodgic. Seward 
 allows it is a perfound syllygism, redooced to its simplest form. 
 
 My holesold feller paytryit, the Honabul Abe, is in a per- 
 plexhi perdickyment. For a long time, as the kentry is awar, 
 he was a kinder Shuttlecock atwixt the Democratick and the 
 Radical battle doors, but findin it was onpossabul to carry on the 
 war that way, he finaly sobsided inter the hands of the Radicals, 
 eggspectin in coarse that they would keep him up. And now 
 what doos the file leader of the Radical press doo but fly off the 
 hanclel, and in effeck advise him to sho the white fether and giv 
 up the game. But He say this for Abraham Lincoln ; he hesn't 
 the most distant noshin of givin up onder enny suckemstances 
 wotsumdever. On menny subjecks he hes difirent noshins at 
 diffrent times, but on the kwestin of fighten Rebellyun to the 
 last dollar, the last man, the last ditch, and the last day, ef in 
 the coarse of human events it should becum nessary, he is per- 
 feckly unannymus. Depend upon it A. Lincoln will never de- 
 sart E P Unum. 
 
 We are lookin for noose from Vicksburg and from Foster's 
 eggspedishin evry hour, and tho hopin for the best air prepard 
 for the wurst. Arter the Charlestun calamity, nuthin ken take 
 us by supprise. 
 
 Washington has ben blue with uniforms senst the cold snap 
 sot in. Heroes with bad colds cums in on furlows evry day 
 kivered with goose pimples, and ankshus for hot whisky-skins. 
 Willard's hed nine hunderd gests the uther day, and the Nay- 
 shinal is jest as full as it can cram. Our confirmed bragadear- 
 ginrals is lyin loose around evrywhars in a busted up condishin ;
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 247 
 
 and feeld and line offsirs that oney want tappin to yeeld as 
 menny kinder sperrcts as Anderson lies in his madgic dernnie- 
 jon, is as thick as sample vials in a liker uiarchent's rack. 
 
 Trustcn that afore this letter gets inter prent, we shall hev sum 
 good tidins to take away the bitter taste of the last dismal doste, 
 I remain, ondauntedly, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXXVH. 
 
 [A queer communication from our cranky correspondent. 
 Verily, he is no respecter of persons or personages. In fact, he 
 has a particular predilection for " shining marks", and nothing 
 suits him better than to take the shine out of them, when it hap- 
 pens to be mere varnish. He cares no more for high function- 
 aries than he does for a frame of ten-pins, and would just a lief 
 bowl them down. In the following letter he makes a ten-strike. 
 Some may think, however, that he rolls his ball with a little too 
 much bias. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, February 13, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Herkary : 
 
 The sore feelin pervalin at the Seat of Guverment hes ben 
 considabully aggervated by the owdayshus kicks reseutly re- 
 seved from the rebels at Galvustun Bay and the Sublime Pass- 
 Rare Admiral Ferrygut reports that the " Harriet Lane " surren- 
 derd to the enemee's catamarans in a most pussylanirnuss man- 
 ner. Its troo the wind oney came in cat'spaws, and tharfbre she 
 couldent hev clawed off, but ef she'd ben properly handeld, and 
 hed pitched inter the cotton skows tooth and toe-nail, thars no 
 dout she raout hev made thar fur fly. Then thars the " Mornin 
 Light," anuther dark bizness. Her cumrnander, it seems, gin up 
 the ship without firin the first gun. The Admaril ses he never 
 seen the match of it. Setch conduck is enulf to make the niold- 
 erin forms of Decaytur and Lorrence start from the supplecur, 
 and to dror tears from the eyes of Cummodore Bainbridge's 
 nevvy, ef that offshoot of a nobul stock still sirvives. The Seck- 
 atry of the Navy, howsever, is nowaj'S decomposed. He wares 
 his ushil cam and plassid aspeckt, doos Giddy Welles. I per-
 
 248 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 sooin you will be happy to larn that altho enlistin lies &topt, and 
 desarshins from the ranks is large and frekwent, the number of 
 paytryits willin to sarve thar kentry in the capassity of feeld ofisirs 
 increses evry day. My illustrus feller citysin, the acsessible 
 Abe, hes sent fifteen hunderd milentary nominashins inter the 
 Sennit, and a new swarm of epaletted lowcussess, ankshus for a 
 chanst at the greenbacks, will, no dout, shortly make thar appe- 
 rience on Pcnnsylvany avenoo. Whar they air to find room to 
 epred tharselves is more'n I no, onless the perleece drives the 
 civillians inter the side streets, in order to give the newly-many- 
 factered fire-eaters thar full swing. As it is, bragadears, and 
 kwartermasters, and kermis, and adjewtants, and cetery, is 
 thicker'n monkeys in the Straits of Baffleman, whar they kant 
 squar the yards without brushin of ein off the rocks. And as 
 sun as the hard fightin begins, I dessay it will be an all-scared 
 eight wurse. Its butiful to see how ankshus sum milentary men 
 air to rally around the President when thars danger abroad. 
 Setch prufis off devoshin must tutch his hart, onless he is made 
 of stun ; witch he isent but, on the contrary, all softness. 
 
 Congress is as bizzy as the devil in a hurrycain. Senniter 
 Wilson's bill for mnkin evry mail citysin abel to bare amis for 
 his kentry a sojer, is likely to pass and to be carrid out to the 
 letter. It applies to purty mutch the hull abcl-boclded maskaline 
 poppylashin, and gives the President the power to use em by the 
 kwantity as ockashin rekwires. The bill's eenamost sartain to be 
 a lor, and thar 11 be a lively time ginrally -when it cums to be 
 enforst. Menny thinks it will promote emmigrashin. 
 
 Then thars Senniter Simmer's cullerd ridgement skeem, per- 
 vidin for the inrollment of three hunderd thousand darkeys, to 
 be paid sevin dollars a inunth. As Mr. Simmer purfesses to con- 
 sidder a nigger a good as a white man, if not more so, I wish to 
 ax him throo the columes of the SUNDAY MERKARY why he 
 wants to hire him at hafe price. Ef white bone and sinner is 
 wurth thirteen dollars a inunth to -shoot and be shot at, why 
 shouldent a wool-and-ebony-man-and-bruther ef he is raaly a 
 man and a bruther, as the Senniter ses he is be paid at the 
 same rate ? Why this invidyus pqniaiy destinkshin atwixt wool 
 and har ? Wavin this pint, I would respeckfully ask whar this 
 black force of three hunderd thousand is to be drummed up. In 
 order to carry the war inter Afriky, you must fust ketch your 
 Afrikins. How air they to be roped in ? It seems to me that 
 this is an important prevus kwestin witch oughter be put afore the 
 bill is past. It onfortnitly happens that my nobul frend Abra-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 249 
 
 ham's proclamashin, givin libty to the captive, is a dead letter 
 whar the black race prencepally pervails. In coarse we kant 
 make our cullerd kindred Union sojcrs in the rejins of the South 
 we dont " ockapy and possess", and in the other rejins accordin 
 to the proclamashin the slaves continny to be slaves, and we 
 hev no right to take em from thar masters. The Mancipayshin 
 Edick is an ingenius dockyment ; it cuts two ways, and both 
 ways is ekwilly redickalus. Eggseggative wisdom is sum if not 
 Simmer. 
 
 As this Congress proposes to skwander no eend of munny (in 
 the form of sirkilatin-picters) afore it dissolves, and as March 
 forth is closte at hand, things will be put throo amazin kwick 
 for the nex two weeks. The nine hunderd millyun bill will 
 mebbe hev becum a law by the time this reeches you, and mebbe 
 not. It is nip and tuck atwixt the Seckatry of the Treshery and 
 the banks, but I think the Seckatry will run em down and the 
 spiles of the Chase be skewerd to the Guverment. 
 
 I begin to be orfully tired of Washington, and long to be wunst 
 more in my old kwarters at the Saint Nickalas. But it shell 
 never be sed that I turnt my back on Abraham Lincoln at a time 
 when he skaisly knew witch eend of him was uppermost. 
 Diddent I accunipany him from Illannoy ? Diddent I revise his in- 
 augerole ? Dident I subjest his no, I did not subjesl his messidge ! 
 Hevent 1 ben his Rock of Refudge ? Hevent I stud atwixt him 
 and his Constitooshinal advisers when they were bullyraggin 
 him eenamost to deth ? And shell I forsake him now when he 
 stands on the edge of a pressapeace, with wun leg over, and 
 onabul to keep hia center of gravity without my help ? Never ! 
 Perish the idee ! Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. LXXXVHL 
 
 [The veteran soldier and satirist seems to be a good deal exer- 
 cised on the subject of the Conscription Law, and very properly 
 suggests that, by way of encouraging the people to submit cheer- 
 fully to a general enrollment and draft, the War Department 
 pay up the heavy arrears due to the Union soldiers now in the 
 field, thousands upon thousands of whom have not received a 
 dollar for many months, some of whom have never seen the 
 11*
 
 250 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 color of tlie Government's money, and none of whom, we 
 believe, have been paid in full. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, February 19, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 I congratilate the young men of the kentry on the new claws 
 interdooced inter the corns^ripshin, by the Conscript Fathers of 
 the Sennit. Accordin to the Sennit's mendment Young America 
 is not liabul to hev his idees taught how to shoot until he reeches 
 the age of twenty years in uther wurds, he kennot be took for 
 a privit ontil jest twelve munths afore he attains his mayjority. 
 The probility is that this benevalent let up for hobbletehoys as 
 hev not seen twenty summers, will be sankshind by the poplar 
 branch of the nayshinal legislatoor, and the eggsempshiu, like 
 Mrs. Winslow's Soothin Serrup, will proove a great blessin to 
 mothers. Eighteen is too jewvenile. The sperrits is boyant at 
 that age, to be shoor, but the bones is not sot, and that self- 
 respeck and manly dignity witch grows outer familyarity with 
 the lather brush and the razor is oney parshilly developt. Ef 
 our youth kennot be aloud to tarry in Jerryco tell thar bairds is 
 grown, let em stay, at least, ontil the fibers sprout and they 
 begin to sho sum shies of a stiff upper lip. 
 
 It kant be .denied, I spose, that this new lor will nock the mil- 
 entary attryboots of the State Guvners inter a cockt hat. Thars 
 nuthin mealy-mouthed in its provishins. It goes to the root of 
 the matter and makes my heroic frend, the President, an 
 abesalute Dick Tater. Ef carrid out it will enabul him to run 
 the biggest milentary masheen in the hull wurld, with millyuns 
 of men hitched to the ropes all bound to obey wotever orders he 
 chewses to shout throo the fedral trumpet. But Mr. Lincoln is 
 not of a tyrennical dispersishin on the contrary, mild and 
 gentle and as easily led as a lam, or a kid, or a tame gaysell. 
 
 On this pint 1 ken speak with confidens, for I was with him 
 when he submitted without a murmur to put on a disgise and 
 conseal his maj'jestic form in a cloke and cap, in order to pre- 
 sarve his preshus life for the greatest good of the greatest num- 
 ber. The copperhed noosepapers as pretends to think he will 
 take advantidge of the Cornskripshin Act to becum a formidabul 
 desput, nose better. His natur is not that of a Naughtycrat or a 
 LTseupper. And besides thars no possability of prosecutin the 
 war, it seems, without setch a meshur as Sennytur Wilson's. 
 Bum ses its mainly owin to the Sennytur's infarnal stewpidity, 
 in stoppin volunteerin when the hull nashin was bilin over
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 251 
 
 with milentry ambishin, that coraskripshin hes to be resarted 
 too ; and these misabul grumblers allow that it would be a good 
 idee for the President to put him whar David put the sellybrated 
 Hittite, namely, in the fore frunt of the fust big shindy. 
 
 I am awar setch remarks is oney intended as coarse joaks at 
 the Massachoosetts man's eggspens, but as I sed to the Nayshins 
 Hope the uther day, when he axed little Tom Thumb wot he 
 thort of Hymen, it is no time for waggery when the dogs of war 
 air at our gates. 
 
 The intelligens from the Army of the Potomac relates eena- 
 most entirely to wun subject mud. The main boddy on the 
 Rapperhammock is as helpless as a crowd of flies in a lasses 
 cask, and all the Union troops in Virginny and Merryland is in 
 the same waxy predickyment. A frend of mine who was 
 present at a dress parade at Fallrnouth tuther day, informt me 
 that the divishins as they stud in the ranks hed evry appearance 
 of heving ben cut off at the knees, all below that jint bein onder 
 the serfiz. Menny of the hevvy infantry hed to be eggstricated 
 with ropes arter the drill was over. Obsarvin a number of long 
 sticks resemblin shad-poles protroodin throo the slush in varus 
 places, my frend inkwired thar porpus and was informt that they 
 were put thar to mark the places whar the sege guns hed gon 
 down. They will be dug up as sun as the sakrid sile is hard 
 enuff to be spaded mebbe about May or airly in June. 
 
 Inie sorry to say that the troops in Virginny is gettin clamrus 
 for thar pay. I hed a letter yestday from a member of the Sixt 
 Artillery cumplainin that his corpse, which was organized last 
 August, hedn't yet reseved the first greenback. His remarks 
 about the condishin of his wife and fammaly, who it seems is 
 starvin for thar kentry while he is fightin for it, mought hev 
 drord tears from the eyes of a sutler. Sum porshins of his 
 epistol is of a carrickter that would make the portly and pas- 
 shinit Constitooshinal Adviser at the head of the War Depart- 
 ment dance a bolero and tar his har. Its very rong for a privit 
 to blastfeem his superiurs, and I shell rite the mutinus feller to 
 that effeck; but when a poor sojer is without a dime in his 
 pocket, and his wife and little wuns wants bred, he hes to swar 
 at sumthin, you know, and ef he is onreasonabul enuff to cuss a 
 high funkshinary or two, we must try as Christians to luck 
 over it. 
 
 It is not so much on ackount of the men, howsever, as for the 
 sake of the guverrnent that I would urge the administrashin to 
 do the right thing by the army ; for line afeard ef it doosent pay 
 
 i ': . ' r " ! '.' :T YJ:::- ' :.**
 
 252 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 the old sojers afore it begins cornskriptin the new wuns, the 
 provost niarshils will hev an ungodly hard row to hoe in thar 
 milentary deestricks. Ileddent the administrashin better squar 
 off with the troops noAV in the feeld, afore it commences a hull- 
 sale draft upon thar fellow citysins to hum, who know how they 
 have been humbugged, and air jest that contrary that they would 
 as livs be shot as sarved with the same sarse ? 
 
 The bleef prevales to sum eggstent here, that we air gpin to 
 hev a muss with Loose Napoleon. He lies made up his rnind to 
 hev cotton ef possable, at all hazzards. I seen sumthin of the 
 darned old possum when I was in France, doorin the Coo de tar, 
 and I know when he torks the smoothest and the oilyest, that's 
 the very time he's preparin to pitch in. line glad, tharfore, as 
 the harbor of New York is to be better fortyfied right away ; 
 for its noways onlikely that we'll be inter a furrin war atwixt 
 this and the next presidenshil eleckshin. Seward is of the same 
 opinyun, and so would the amabul Abe be too, if he hed an 
 opinyun of his own. 
 
 In view of the desalooshiu of Congress the desaloot carrick- 
 ters, from a distans, as was attracted to Washington by the pros- 
 peck of publick and privit plunder is packin up, ready for a 
 start. Gamblers, free-luv-ladies, pollytickle theeves, pimps, par- 
 rysites, and other individyals of eesy virtoo, is preparin for an 
 immedient stampede, and I dessay that by the day arter March 
 forth the fedral Capital won't be mutch wus'n Sodom, arter the 
 Lot fammaly hed left for anuther Latitood. 
 
 With kind regairds to all the destitoot wives, children, moth- 
 ers, sisters, and cetery of the onpaid sojers of the Union in 
 which the War Department and the Paymaster-Ginral, kindly 
 jines I remain as ushil, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. LXXXIX. 
 
 [Our correspondent is hereby notified that the hint of his inten- 
 tion to leave Washington, with which the following letter con- 
 cludes, has caused us the most profound concern. We trust he 
 will reconsider the matter, and consent to remain. The people 
 cannot conveniently spare from the Federal Capital so vigilant
 
 i-?3 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 253 
 
 'fj- -.,, .!."3dS<B*Hri **"-. iJJ i::,.i^ r i /_.{'; 
 a sentinel over their rights and interests. The President, it 
 seems also, is desirous of retaining him within consulting-dis- 
 tance. Under such circumstances, it seems to us that it is his 
 duty and we know he regards duty as paramount to all other 
 considerations to continue at his post. The moral atmosphere 
 of "Washington is not, as he truly observes, conducive to the 
 soul's health; but he, like Brutus, is "armed so strong in 
 honesty", that there can be no danger of his being attacked with 
 the prevailing " moral insanity". Besides, after Congress breaks 
 up, the air Avill be purer. EDS.] 
 
 NATSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, Feb. 26, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Afore the date of my next epistol the Resembled Wisdum 
 will Lev hed its last settin and made itself non nest. The two 
 houses is dooin up thar little chores with neatness and despatch, 
 and as Wcnsday, the forth prox, aproximates, bills is husseld to 
 thar final reedins with a perieck rush. The Cornskripshin Bill 
 is a lor, the Bank Bill is a lor, and I predicate as the Lone Bill 
 will hev jined cumpany with the Anther past meshurs by the 
 time this appears in prent. Thars a hitch atwixt Chase and the 
 Conference Committee about tacksin Bank sirkilashin, but I gess 
 the Banks will be nailed in the eend, and hev to plank down. 
 
 When Congress rises, the firm of HONEST ABE & Co. will 
 be wun of the strongest guverments that has blest the airth 
 senst the days of Alegsander, and the Head of the Nashin will 
 predominate to an onlimited eggstent over the middle and 
 the tail. But as I obsarved in a prevus letter, the kentry needent 
 git itself inter a cast iron swet on ackount of its rites and libties 
 bein consolidated in a single pare of hands. My frend, the 
 Illustrus Rooler of the Republick, is a man of eggsqueezit morril 
 senseabilities and the tenderest of harts in fack fuller of nateral 
 sweetness than a snugger Cain. The swoord and the pus will 
 be as harmless in his keepin as ef the Angel Gaybril hed the 
 latter in his breeches pocket and the former tuckt onder his wing. 
 I meen harmless to troo paytriots like you and me and Horris 
 Greeley and cetery ; but a swoord of rath and a root of all evil, 
 prehaps, to the cussed Confcdrits. When Charlestun, Savannah, 
 and Mobile is sacked, and Lee's army bagged, and Vicksburg 
 hammered down, and Richmound in a bad box, we shell all feel 
 the properiety of heving made Abe an abesalute monnick tor the 
 time bein. These great events is all on the keards, and when
 
 254 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Ihey air wot the French calls fates accomplice the Rebellyun will 
 be played out. Sum thinks as it will rekwire long 'ears for the 
 Guverninent to get the assendancy ; while uther sum allows that 
 the rebels will be summerilly nocked cold doorin the spring. 
 Ennyhow I think that when all the abel-bodied men in the 
 North lies ben drafted onder the Cornskripshin Act, and thur- 
 rowly drilled and dizzyplind, and divided up into corpses and 
 put in the feeld, that the eend will not be far distant. 
 
 Thars a loud wisper runnin round Washington to the effcck 
 that sun arter the breaking up of Congress, a spoke will be put 
 in the wheels of sartain Constitooshinal Advisers. I axed 
 Seward the other day ef it was so ; and he got kwite adjitated on 
 the subjeck. He sed he heerd thar was a conspurracy agin Mm, 
 and he knew who was at the bottom of it. " Let em cum on," 
 ses he, "Inie reddy for em, and they'll find I don't fear the face 
 of Clay." He was evidently riled, and put me in mind of a 
 play I wunst seen, whar an anibishus chap as wanted evrything 
 his own way denounced a sassy revolushinary feller of the name 
 of Cashus as extree dangerus. 
 
 This rnornin I called on the President, and put the inderoga- 
 tory to him plump and squar, wether he was goin to giv enny of 
 the Constitooshinals thar w.alkin tickets. His anser was rayther 
 non-coinmital, ariain, I reckin, from the ambiggerus state of his 
 own felines. Ses he : 
 
 "It's eesier to dismiss wun or two or three Constooshinal 
 Advisers, than it is to seleck that number from fifty candydates 
 without all the rest getin up a tree ; and its eesier to let bad enuff 
 alone than it is to enjoy curnfort arter runnin yer hed inter a 
 hornet's nest." 
 
 I ackwiest. 
 
 " You remember," he continued, " the fate of the onfortnit man 
 in the skripters, as no sunner got rid of wun devil than he was 
 besot by seven more of the hardest kind." 
 
 " Yaas," ses I, " the last state of that individyal was wuss'n 
 the first. But," ses I, " he was a misabul retch as hed no mind 
 of his own and jest gin up to the fust blamed cusses as cum 
 along. Noboddy will ketch the Seckind Washington doin that 
 I persoorn." 
 
 " I persoom not," he anserd, liftin up his right leg and stompin 
 airnestly, as mutch as to say he hed put his foot down on that pint. 
 
 I left the presence with the idee that he hed parshilly detar- 
 mined to change his Cabnet, but that possably hasted of doin so 
 he mought change his mind.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUKTEEB. 255 
 
 Thars a tremenjus outside preshur agin Halleck, to witch Ime 
 inklined to bleve that sellybrated pontoonist will hev to suckum. 
 He was considerd an omyment to the legal periesshin, I hev 
 onderstud, and it is ginrally thort that he's better calkelated to 
 jine issoo in an ackshin at lor than on the feeld of mortal con- 
 flick. 
 
 I hev it from good orthority that Ginral Butler is to go back 
 to the Cresent City, whar the Secesh is fairly spilin for want of 
 a little of his hullsum dizzyplin. They air gittin crazy at his 
 absens, and it seems they hev ben tryin to shoot Ginral Banks 
 for useupping his place. Thar ken be no dout that they would 
 receeve him with open arms. The opinyun here is that Stanton 
 was jelus of his popalarity at New Orleans, and that he was 
 remooved on that ackount. 
 
 I hev a noshin of returnin to New York arter the Collective 
 Intelligence disburses, onless you particklerly wish me to reinane. 
 My frend Abraham ses he kant spare me nohow ; but I misstrust 
 he flatters. It would sartainly cost me considabul of a pang to 
 tare myself away from him, but then its hard to live in Gomor- 
 row for the sake of enjyin the sosity of wun rightyus purson. 
 The inorril atmostfear of this city is so ongodly bad that the 
 prenceples of a saint mought git tainted by inhelling it too 
 long. Hopin to eskape the prevalin criminal epidemic witch 
 is daily carryin off thousands (and in fack tens of thousands), I 
 remane, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJSTEEB. 
 
 No. XC. 
 
 [With that fidelity to the obligations of friendship which is a 
 distinguishing trait in the character of the Disbanded, he this 
 week pays some striking compliments to the President, and jus- 
 tifies, by a very remarkable line of argument, the course of Con- 
 gress, in conferring upon him extraordinary powers. In view 
 of the extra-constitutional authority with which Mr. Lincoln has 
 been clothed, it is satisfactory to know that our venerable friend 
 has been invited to assist him with his counsel and advice. 
 EDS.]
 
 256 WAIi LETTERS OF 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, March 5, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The hull bilin of the Congresshinal Sissyroes and Demosthe- 
 neezes heving returnt to the buzzums of thar wives and fame- 
 lees, rny steamed trend, the Abesalute Abe, now rules the roost 
 alone. He ken say with the late Robinson Crewso of Jewin 
 Fernando : 
 
 " I'm monnick of all I suvey, 
 
 My right thar is none to despute ; 
 From the center all round to the sea, 
 I ken seze and imprison and shute." . 
 
 But thars no caws for alarm, notwithstandin the loud crows. of 
 the Abelishinists. The Nayshin is not goin to giv up the goste, 
 bekase its Constitooshin is brokin. Abraham the First is no 
 Nero. He wouldn't hurt a fly. It is troo that the comskripshin 
 Act, the Bank and Lone Acts, the suspenshin of the Heaviest 
 Corpus Act, the Indamnity Act, and cetery, make a reglar Siezer 
 of him, but his Majest I mean his Eggsellency is not the man 
 to take advantidge of the late ginral and genrus sirrender of the 
 rights of the States and the peeple. His auntycedents is not of 
 an aristocratick carrickter. Let us glanst at em for a moment. 
 
 Born of tall but modest parients in Kaintucky, he took, at an 
 airly peryud of his carear to the woods, whar he slung a nasty 
 ax and mauled rails with wunderful assidooity. Emergin thence 
 he studded navigashin on board a flat-boat of the largest class, 
 makin hisself thurrowly ackwainted with the theory of the cur- 
 rents and persishin of the poles. Naterally inklined to push 
 ahed witch is allus the roolin instink of great minds he aban- 
 doned the. watery element and took to the bar, and as he grew in 
 wisdum and in stattur gradually rose to eminence. Finerly that 
 perfound statesman The Honabul Horris Greeley of Chappa- 
 quaw, diskivered that my Ulustrus Frend was wanted at the 
 head of the Guvernment, and bein put before the peeple, they 
 rode him on a rail inter the Presidenshil Cheer. Kwalified alike 
 by natur and eddicashin to controle the destinees of the most 
 Enlightened Nayshin on the face of the Airth, Congress dun per- 
 feckly right in conferrin on him onlimited power, in this tremen- 
 us crysis. Pressing cases reckwires desput remedees and hens 
 the nesessity for makin Abraham cock of the walk, and placin 
 the Swoord, the Pus and the Press at his disposhal. 
 
 I am awar that sartain fackshus persons pertends not to see 
 the properiety of strong meshurs agin States as isent in rebel- 
 lyun ; but who noes how sun they may be in rebellyun ? A
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 257 
 
 stitch in time saves nine, and the saiftest waj r to pervent peeple 
 from bcin seedishus is to sow thar mouths up the moment they 
 begin to grumble. Libty of Speech and Libty of the Press is 
 all very well when the Republick is not in danger, but when it 
 is, ef Oriturs and Eddyturs will pitch inter the Adrninistrashin, 
 in coarse they must eggspect to be shet up. Is it a time I ax, to 
 pertest agin the Constitooshin bein suspended when the Union 
 itself is hangin by ilids ? Away with setch. Old Fogey thorts, 
 onwurthy of the Age of Progress ! AVhile the fight lasts let us 
 submit magnannymously to the Hyer Law. 
 
 Besides as I hev repetedly sed on former ockashins, the 
 Modern Father of his Kentry is of a mild and mutherly nater, 
 and overflowin with the milk of human kindness from his toe- 
 nails to his top-knot. Altho he hes a jiant's power he is the last 
 man on the footstool to use it like a jiant. Ennyboddy who 
 looks back at his perceedings doorin the last two ears will admit 
 that. But like the sellybrated Blunderbore who went to sleep 
 and hed his Seven Legged boots stole by an owdashus dwarf, 
 thars sum reson to fear that he'll be robbed of his perogatives by 
 a Cabnet thats rayther too mutch inklined to ride ruff-shod over 
 the peeple. I don't see for my pairt wot he wants with Consti- 
 tooshinal Advisers onder the suckemstances. Ef the Constitoo- 
 shin is suspended why shouldent the Constitooshinal Advisers be 
 suspended too ? 
 
 Wun thing I ken say to my fellow kentryrnen in this momen- 
 tuous epock of the Nayshin's History. Our cheef shall not suf- 
 fer for want of paytryotic counsel. Fortnitly I hev not lost his 
 confidens and affeckshin. He bleves in me as mutch as I bleve 
 in him. " D. V.," ses he to me yestday as he was signin bills at 
 the Capital, " will you continny to stand by me onder these new 
 responsabilities ?" "Will a duck swim?" I replied "Will a 
 demagog lie ? Will a sutler cheat ?" 
 
 " Will a sunflower turn to her god when he sets, 
 The same look that she turnt when he rose ?" 
 
 He was satisfid, and went on signin with a lively air. 
 
 The Sennit, in extree sesshin, is grindin out extree Bragadear 
 and Major Ginrals, with extrornary dispatch. I spose, howsever, 
 as it will take em a week or ten days, to put the hull batch throo 
 the mill. Sum of the candydates doosent no gunpowder from 
 union seed, nor a howitstir from a hominy mortar ; but I reckin 
 they'll all pull throo. A milentary offsir from New York told 
 me tuther day, that a fresh-made Bragadear had applied to him
 
 258 WAR LETTEK3 OV 
 
 for a reliabul sargent to teecli him the wurds of cunimand and 
 how to dror up his corpse in order of battle. Ef enny boddy 
 douts this fack I ken furnish the name of the eppyletted ignora- 
 mus. He hales from a sartain coininershil emporyum that you 
 are tolably-well ackwainted with. 
 
 We hev rummers here of a big fight near Savannah, and sev- 
 ral uther shindies, but they peer to be got up merely to stuff news- 
 hungry citysins, and kant be traced to enny vorashus sorce. 
 
 Hopin to hear of onexpected victries, and trustin that Provi- 
 dence Avill pay no attenshin to the Secesh Fast ordered by that 
 retched Farisee, Jeff Davis, I remain, 
 Tours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJSTTEEB. 
 
 No. XC1. 
 
 [Sometimes we find it incumbent upon us to differ in some de- 
 gree from the opinions" expressed by our independent and out- 
 spoken correspondent ; but with his views in relation to the ap- 
 pointment of provost-marshals from the ranks of our disabled 
 heroes, and not from the office-seekers' squad from the Bang- 
 whangers, and not from the /Sfon^-whangers, as he beautifully 
 expresses it we entirely and heartily agree. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINTON, March 12, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkmy : 
 
 Thars ben a lively shower of sholder-stops senst my last, and 
 the clouds hes vanisht from the brows of menny inilentary ass- 
 pirants nominated by the President, as was afeard thar rain 
 would be cut short by the Sennit ; but, with the eggsepshiu of a 
 small sprinklin, they have all been snaked throo, as I perdicted 
 they would. The enthuzzyasm for the Stars and Stripes is buti- 
 ful to behold I mean the stars as denotes Bragadears and Major 
 Ginrals, and the stripes as signifies subordinit offsirs. Ef thar 
 was the same paytryotic competishin for places in the ranks, a 
 millyun of men monght be razed in six weeks without a corn- 
 skripshin. As it is ginrally sposed that a fine livin ken be pickt 
 up in the Subsistens Department, the anksity of the citysins 
 nominated for that branch of the comesharit lies ben of the most 
 vilent carrickter ; but thar minds is now trankwill, the hull
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 259 
 
 batch hevin ben confirmt. The paytryotic harts of the candy- 
 dates for places in the Kwartermaster's Department hes also ben 
 sot at rest in the same way, and the bar rums of the prenceple 
 hottels is raidyant with the smilds of the new appintease. 
 
 Ef the guverment wants to make the cornskripshin lor as pop- 
 lar as setch a stringgent meshur ken be made, let em apint pay- 
 tryotic sojers as hes ben disabeld in battle, as provest-marshils. 
 Ef they set a passel of misabul pollytickle lowcusses, as would 
 fly from powder and steal like a theef from a perleecemen, to 
 wurk cornskriptin the bone and sinner, thar'll be trubble in the 
 wigwam as shoor as the President's a cannondrummist. I told 
 him so this very mornin. Ses I, " may it please your Eggsellency, 
 ef you want to put the cornskipshin throo, you must take your 
 provost marshils from the Bang-whangers of the Army and 
 not from the Slang-whangers of .party cabawls. With a jester 
 intended to convey the idee that thar was nuthin green in his 
 eye, he remarkt in reply that " retches whoos oney objeck in 
 hevin a hand in the draft was to raze the wind, would be keer- 
 fully left out in the cold." He thort, howsever, that it wouldent 
 be a good plan to employ crippeld heroes in the cornskripshin 
 bizness, " Bekase", ses he, " the site of a feller-critter that hes 
 lost an arm or a leg on the battle feeld is not calkilated to put 
 down the too prevailing predjewdice agin balls and bagnets." 
 
 His Eggsellency onderstands sum fazes of the human mind 
 remarkabul well ; but ef he thinks setch trifuls as that can re- 
 press the nayshinal arder, he onderates the grit of the American 
 peeple. 
 
 In my opinyun the cornskipts will be more afeard of not 
 gotten thar pay reglar and bein coinpeld to eat hard tack, than 
 of the horsteal foe. I hev advised the President to see that the 
 entire army now in the field is paid in full, afore he issoos his 
 proclamashin for bringin anuther batch up to the bull-ring. 
 " Send the paymasters round to evry brigade", ses I, " and pay 
 evry sojer up to the last dime, and the letters they'll rite hum to 
 thar frends will reckonsile em to the approachin raffel for re- 
 crutes. The det of gratitood witch the kentry owes the army, 
 ken never be paid," ses I, "but the munny ken. Ef the green- 
 backs hes run out," I added, " let the guverment presses be sot 
 to wurk and a stack of em suffishent for the porpus be ground 
 out without delay." My argyment on this pint hed the desired 
 effeck. His Eggsellency drew forth his wallet and took a soleni 
 oath onto it that evry bluecoat should hev his greenbacks right 
 away. So if the hull army is paid off within a munt, which 1
 
 200 WAB LETTERS OP 
 
 think it will be, that act of justis will be doo to ray intersesshin 
 with my eggsalted frend. 
 
 Arter torkin' this meshur inter him, I shode him a peace of 
 hard tack, presented to me by a pickit who hed broke three of 
 his teeth in attempten to crack it, and axed ef that was the kin- 
 der provender to make the cornskipshin poplar amung abel- 
 bodded men. His Eggsellency took a snap at it, but with all 
 the leverage he could put onto his rnastercaterers, he dident per- 
 dooce a dent in its surfiz. Wot the geologists calls " puddin 
 stone" would be saft chawin and a cumfurt to the teeth in 
 caparison with that specunent of hard tack, and arter seein it I 
 ken eesily bleeve the airtickle is used by the sojers for playin at 
 coits in prefrence to horseshoos. 
 
 " Now," ses I, takin the addermantin fragment from the Presi- 
 dent's hands and shyin it at the marbel mantle in his sanktum 
 without splenterin it I mean without splenterin the biskit 
 " jest replace this granit grub with sumthin that doosent dis- 
 tress the jaws and lasserate the gums, and skrape the throte and 
 tare the linin of the sturnmick, and you will find it like bred cast 
 upon the waters that is found arter menny days." 
 
 " Well," ses he, " as hard tack doosent seem to be the rite tack, 
 lie go on anuther tack. Stanton shall see to it that the sojers is 
 furnisht with crisp hulsum crackers, ef thars honest bakers to be 
 found in the kentry that'll supply em at a fare price." I 
 hope it will be dun. I no the President doosent wish the abel- 
 bodded men of the republick, atwixt the ages of twenty and 
 forty-five, to be redooced to a few snags apeace when the war is 
 conclooded ; but I hev no confidens in the war department. 
 
 " Punktual Pay" and " No Hard Tack" is now the watchwurds 
 in evry camp, and ef the evils complained of is remedid, I feel 
 sartain that the Army Avill rite so incurredgingly to thar rela- 
 shuns and frends to hum, as to prevent all trubble in carryin out 
 the cumming Proclamashin. How plesent it would be to see 
 the Provost Marshils reseved evrywhars with opin arms, and 
 crownt with lorils, and serenaded, and presented with sarvices 
 of plate in evry city and town of the North. Setch a result ken 
 oney be accomplish! by reglar payments and saft biskit. Let us 
 hope the jint eggsperiment will be tried. 
 
 Eleven you will goinside with me in the abuv hastily written 
 yews on grub and greenbacks, I remain, as formerly, 
 Yours allus (in favor of reform), 
 
 A DISBAKDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 261 
 
 NO. xcn. 
 
 [In the exuberance of his loyalty, our patriotic friend breaks 
 out in poetry, and we commend his rhymes to the thoughtful 
 attention of every true American. As a lyric. poet, his style is 
 original, and his verse is as emphatic as his prose. 
 
 His access to the most reliable sources of information has 
 enabled him to give a few facts, not heretofore made public, in 
 relation to the seizure of that Flower of Northern Chivalry, 
 the brave and beautiful Brigadier-General Stoughton, which 
 cannot fail to bring tears of sympathy into the eyes of our read- 
 ers. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, March 19, 18G3. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The kentry will larn with astonishment that the distingwished 
 Treason-tamer as recently rooled like a Grand Turk in the 
 Cressent City, and eggspected the warm birth of Cornskripter- 
 Ginral, hes ben left out in the cold by an ongratefool Adminis- 
 trashin. In uther words, 
 
 To Butler, of the droopin eye, 
 Our fat frend Stanton, he warnt parshil, 
 
 And as he's dished, and Kernil Fry 
 Will rool the roast as Provost-Marshil. 
 
 Fry is a good man, howsever, and will endeavor to eggsersize 
 his stewpendus progatives in such a -way as not to embrile the 
 milentary with the civil orthorities. I dont bleve Ginral Butler 
 is mutch disappinted. They do say he kinder hankers arter the 
 Presidenshil Cheer, and ef so he must be awar that in consekens 
 of the depravity of human nater, coinpellin the masses to go a 
 sojerin agen thar will is not the shoorest way to enlist thar 
 affeckshins. The Deestrick Marshils is to be appinted imme- 
 diently, and the first great milentary raffel witch will probly 
 be for hafe a millyun or six hunderd thousand of the abel- 
 bodded will cum off, it is thort, about the last of April. Atwixt 
 this and then I calkilate as the popalashin of Canady will 
 increese in a most onrighteus raysho. In coarse sentinels will be 
 stashind on the frontear, to stop the tide of eniigrashin, but the 
 Saint Lorrence is a long river, and American enterprize is pro- 
 verbyal. Menny would rayther paddle acrost that broad and 
 rapid streem on a stick of timber, than attemp the passidge of
 
 262 "WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 / 
 
 the smooth and narrer Rapperhammock with all the fasilities of 
 transportashin afforded by a wise and saygashus guverinent. I 
 hope you will do your best to discurridge this idee of crossin 
 the frontear, and that even the skariest will sun git over it. Let 
 the American peeple imitate the valor of their annsisters in this 
 momentuous crysis. The tremenjus shindy drors to a close. 
 Gold is at six hundred per cent premum in Richinound, while 
 we hev enny kwantity of the preshus mettle witch lends strenth 
 to the sinners of war. The rebels is alreddy like reeds shaken 
 by the wind, and with the new draft we ken blow em to thunder. 
 O ! that I was a poick. Then would I strike the lyre Avith a 
 vigger that should rouse all troo men. Even as it is, onfamilyar 
 as I am with the Mewses, I must run my tumultyus felines inter 
 a standsir : 
 
 Paytryits ! when summent from your houses, 
 Go gladly to the rendezvouses, 
 And ef you dror a fightin ticket 
 Go in agen Secesh and lick it. 
 Too long in doubt weve sithed and sorrerd, 
 But now we'll put our best foot forrard. 
 The Gridiron flag on Freedom's sile 
 Shell stop this everlastin brile. 
 Our kentry is a blessed stake, 
 And we'll resk pepper for its sake. 
 Eggscuse my rimes ef false I tune em, 
 And here's God bless Old E. P. Unurn. 
 
 The capter of wun of our bully Bragadears and his staff at 
 Fairfacts tuther day, created considabul sensashin here. The 
 gravest vetrans smiled, and not a few was mooved to tears by 
 thar oncontrolabul larfter. The Father of his Kentry got off a 
 good thing on the occashin ; for setch is his happy temperament 
 that he ken turn enny calamity inter a joak. (Not as this was 
 a calamity, tho ; far from it.) His eggsellency, on heering ol 
 the raid, rernarkt that carryin off our Stoughton was a pruff 
 that the rebels intended to carry on the war to the bitter eend. 
 I notis the papers state that the rebels gin the Bragadear time to 
 dress. This is a cunard invented by the modest tellagrafter, 
 who was ashamed to tell the naked truth. The night was wun- 
 derful cold for setch a nary costoom, but he was acktilly placed 
 onto a hard trottin hog-backt cornfederit mule, with nuthin 
 atwixt his delicut cuetickle and the vertebray of the animil. 
 Naterally he was greatly chafed at this kinder treatment, but 
 remonsterance was in vain. And this warnt his oney mortifica- 
 shin; for arter they bed sot him astride, Miss Ford, the fair
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 263 
 
 Delily as betrayed him, cum up in full dress, liangin on the arm 
 of a Secesh captin, and axed him how he fansid the South Car- 
 oliny uniform, and wether he would like to compleat it by put- 
 tin on a par of spurs ! They rode him twenty-five inilds strait 
 ahed without enuy intermishin for refreshments, and arter that 
 splendid act of horsemanship on a bare-backed steed, his con- 
 dishin may be more eesily imadjined than deskribed. I gess 
 that midnight ride onder setch melancolly awespices will be a 
 sore spot for him all the rest of his life ; for he's sartain never to 
 hear the last of it. In coarse it is nuts to the she rebel, who hes 
 ben made a kernil in consekens. Seward, who isent altogether 
 as dull a purson as you would spose from some of his dis- 
 patches, allows that Stoughtons capter was the greatest Miss- 
 take of the war. 
 
 We hev a new batch of rummers evry day from all pints of 
 the cumpass, and as they air all prented, you pays your munney 
 and you takes your chice. Upon the hull, howsever, the Amer- 
 ican Egul peers to be lookin up. It is ginally bleved that 
 Vicksburg is on the pint of bein evacyated, end I liev no doubt 
 we shall soon hev noose that Ferrygut hes opend a passidge 
 below. The nex thing on the keards is the fall of Charlestun, 
 and then wont we all sing Tedium? 
 
 Awaitin impayshently the airliest intelligens of the abuv- 
 menshint events, I remain, proudly, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. xcm. 
 
 [Accustomed though we are to the eccentricities of our odd 
 correspondent, the following letter strikes us as odd even for 
 him. The demon of sarcasm, if there be such a member of the 
 Luciferian family, must certainly have had full possession of 
 him when he wrote it. Nobody will deny, however, that it is 
 excessively funny. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, March 26, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The President looks ankshus. When I called on him this 
 mornin I found lm lost in thort and fancid I obsarved a new
 
 2G4 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 rinkel. As I enterd the sanktum lie inklined his head with his 
 ushil swervety, but his mind was evidently utherwhars. 
 
 " How air you Hilton Hed," ses he ; " do you think it will be 
 the wisest coarse for you and Bufort to sail on the First of 
 April ?" 
 
 " Your eggsellency's intelleck is rayther at sea," I remarkt, 
 "but I perceeve how the land lays; your paytryotic slissitood 
 about Charleston hes upset your organ of lowcality." 
 
 " Blame these Hemlocks," he continned, makin moshins with 
 his hands as ef he was pullin down and choppin off the lims oi 
 trees, " we've got to a purty pass here in the Yazoo, and ef the 
 Sunflower Branch is as snaggy as the Taller Bushy, Porter'll 
 rip no lorils in that kwarter, I'm afeard. He thinks he ken 
 redooce the Bluff, but it isent on the keards, onless Quhnby goes 
 like thunder and lightning throo the Cold Water." 
 
 " Father of your kentry," ses I, pinchin his arm respeckfully, 
 " you labor onder a lucynashin ; mutch wurryin about the war 
 hes made you flighty." 
 
 But he took no notis, so puttin my mouth closte to his ear I 
 shouted " Villaindigham !" He started as ef he'd ben bit by a 
 copperhed, and turnt to ring the bell for help, but seein who it 
 was, he grasped my hand insted of the bell pull, and as ef thar 
 was eelecktrissity in the tutch, immediently becum hisself agen. 
 
 " I). V.," ses he confidenshally, " I've ben studdyin maps and 
 plans of the varyus seats of war ontil my crannyum feels like a 
 teerestral globe rong side out, and it peers to me as ef all the 
 seeports and ismusses, and peninslurs, and crooked rivers, and 
 cetery, hed got loose and was dancin quaydrills in the intellec- 
 tooal region. I am sufferin from an attack of milentary jografy 
 on the brain. 
 
 " It doosent dp, my illustrus frend," I replide, " to pore over 
 setch matters too clostely ; I cum purty nigh becummin a loona- 
 tick myself, with tryin to onderstand the Herald's diegrams oi 
 Admaril Porter's operashins. I hed to call in a fizzishin, and he 
 pernounst the disorder to be a rush of Mussysippi to the cere- 
 bedlam. He sed ef I didn't stop takin the paper I would purty 
 sun have Yazoo on the oxiput, and niought never live to see 
 "Vicksburg demolisht." 
 
 " Ah !" rejined the Peeple's Chice, " the strongest mind may 
 be overtaskt. I no by paneful eggsperience, as well as A. Pope, 
 that 
 
 " Great wit to madness nearly is a lied." 
 
 In the words of the poick Kodgers," he continned,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLtTNTEEB. 265 
 
 " Lost in the muzzy chnmbers of the brain, 
 The thorts lie hnsht like sleepers on a train. 
 Awake but one, and lo ! what myriads rise, 
 To buzz around like bumble-bees and flies." 
 
 " From wot pome is that butiful standsir kwoted," I axed. 
 
 " From the ' Pleshurs of Memry,' " anserd his Eggsellency. 
 " And let me tell you, D. V.," he added, with a self-contented 
 emild, " thar's no Pleshurs on airth like the Pleshurs of Meniry, 
 when a man can look back on his past life without bein conshus 
 of ever hevin committed a blunder." 
 
 Our conversashin then turnt upon perlite literatoor ginally, 
 and arter enjoyin " a feast of resin and a flow of sole" for about 
 hafe an hour, I left the White House with the convickshin that 
 what President Lincoln dident no, warnt wuth knowin to the 
 past or to futur sentries. 
 
 On my way from the Presidenshil Manshin to the Nayshinal, 
 I met the paytryotic William H. of the State Department, and 
 tojd him wot our beloved Cheef Madgistrit hed sed about " jog- 
 rafy on the brain ", upon witch the Seckatry remarkt that it was 
 not strange Mr. Lincoln was bothered with maps runnin in his 
 head, when he'd the burden of Atlas restin on his sholders. I 
 dident see it at first ; but W. H was kind enuff to eggsplain that 
 a feller of the name 01 Atlas, who acted as a kinder ticket porter 
 to Jewpeter, was sposed by the Ainshents to tote the wurld 
 around on his back. As sun as I got the joak throo rny har I 
 larfed perlitely, and the Seckatry went off more perfeckly satis- 
 fied with hisself than the nashin at large is with his oflishal dis- 
 patches. 
 
 The Constitooshinal Advisers, with the eggsepshin of the abuv, 
 and Mr. Chase, who is jestly elated with his resent Wall street 
 victries, looks haggard and perplext. The figger-hed of the 
 Seckatry of the Navy doosent ware that trim and ship-shape 
 aperience that his frends would wish to see. His mane-top is not 
 all-a-taunto as it used to be, and his chin-halliards hangs as loose 
 and limpy as a peace of sail that hes ben blowed outer the bolt- 
 ropes and got cort in the riggin onder the lubber's hole. His 
 deshrivelled asp^ck is doo pairtly, I persoorn, to the late axidents 
 on the Suthern coast, and pairtly to tte failer of his skeems for 
 ketchin the letters of mark witch at present infests the mail rout 
 to Californy. When Charlestun is ourn, and the Alabammer, 
 Florida, and Retribushin blown to thunder, I dessay he'll brush 
 up and be as good as new. He's a wurthy man, but rayther too 
 drowsy ef ennything for navel porpuses in stormy times. Its a 
 12
 
 266 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 pity he doosent retire, and return to Hartford to enjoy his ocean 
 cum digitalis. The Seckatry of War is wun of the most curus 
 specktickles you ever seen. His countenance seems as ef it 
 wanted to be jolly, but warn't kwite sartin wether the time had 
 arrived for the larf to cum in. He hes the aspeck of a man lookin 
 throo a glass darkly at futur events, with a mind distracted 
 atwixt his hopes and his fears. 
 
 I hope, howsever, that within the next fortnight we shell hev 
 noose that'll make both the Cabnet and the Peeple jump for joy, 
 and bring back the old familyar twinkel inter the ankshus eyes 
 of my nobul frend Abraham Lincoln. 
 
 Wishin as evry Nuthern man had as lyal a hart as him and 
 me, I remain, with a cuss for all Copperheds, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. XCIV. 
 
 [The following letter is somewhat discursive and miscella- 
 neous, but it will bear twice reading once for its sarcasm, and 
 again for the fervent patriotism that underlies its cynicism. 
 There is more matter in it than will be perceived at the first 
 hasty perusal. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, April 2, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The doste of bad noose we hev hed doorin the past week hes 
 operated onfavorable here. The Seckatry 01 War is on the 
 ankhus seat, and the evacyashin of Vicksbug would be a great 
 releef to him. Ef Porter hed ben abel to git throo the narrer 
 gut that seperates Lake Sunflower from the Yazoo, it would hev 
 ben more encurredgin ; but it seems the obstruckshins is too 
 formadouble for him to push throo. This, in coarse, is a bitter 
 pill, and it is purty hard to stummick it, but ef by the blessin of 
 Hevin our troops ken go in transports throo the Providence 
 Canawl inter the enemee's rare, they must sun be redooced to 
 thar last shifts. Water is also flowin freely throo the caiiawl in 
 frunt it seems, and ef wunst we begin to let it fly at em both 
 from the frunt and rare, I should -spose they would speedily be 
 overwelmed. By consultin the latest diegrams it will be seen
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 267 
 
 that they air in a tight fix cort, as it ware, atwixt Silly and 
 Charibadibs and I raaly dont see enny caws for the rnelancolly 
 aspeck witch the Cabnet lies worn for sum days past. But Pub- 
 lic Funkshinaries is eesily deprest. 
 
 No dout we shell hev stirrin intelligents from the Suthern 
 Coste afore long ; tho sum of the spooneys in the Navy Depart- 
 ment peers to be afeard that Dupont's iroi plates will be srnasht 
 by the Charlestun batterees. By the way, it isent by no means 
 sartain as Charlestun is to be the pint ot a tack. Menny think 
 as our iron screws will first hammer down Savanner. But 
 noboddy actilly nose whar the bolt will fall. Anuther week at 
 furthest will tell the story. In the ineentime, let us put our trust 
 in the Lord, ef not in Giddyun. 
 
 In Kaintucky things look promisin. Peagrim hes ben shelled 
 outer his persishin. The turn-up took place near Summerset, 
 whar our brave Ginral Gilmore gin him a lofty fall. Onless the 
 telagram lies witch it sumtimes doos like thunder and lightnin 
 Peagrim's raid inter Old Kaintuck is nockt eendways by the 
 Union forces a raid agin him. 
 
 On tuther hand, howsever, Ginral Bragstun Brag reports to 
 Richmound that Ginral Forrest hes made a dash at Brentwood 
 in West Tenassee, and bagged eight hunderd of our men and 
 thirty-five off'sirs. Brag is remarkabul for mendashus state- 
 ments, so mebbe the reported capter is a misstake. Ef troo, I 
 persoom the detachtment was supprised in thar night-gownds, 
 takin a refreshin snooze with thar heads pillerd on thar nap sacks. 
 Setch oneggspected and ongenerus visits from the enemee fre- 
 kweutly occurs in our camps, and sarves to sho that they hev no 
 respeck for the rools and regalashins of civileysed warfare. To 
 attack our milentary boddies when asleep, is a knockturnal out- 
 rage on the manors and custurns of an enlightend age. 
 
 A startlin report from Yorktown hes jest flasht over the wires. 
 It is stated that the scecesh is pitchin inter us at Williamsburg 
 like a thousand of bricks, or ray ther like twenty thousand bricks, 
 for that is sed to be thar numbers. Ginral Keys, who curnmands 
 our forces at Yorktown, was at Fortress Honro when the ball 
 opent, and it is sed he tore his locks when he heerd the noose 
 and vamosed immediently in a steamboat for the seen of the 
 shindy. I sor him on Pennsj'lvany avenoo oney day before 
 yestday, and Washington not bein more'n a hunderd milds from 
 his head-kwarters, it was kinder nateral, you no, for him to be 
 here when the enemee was moovin to a tack his persishin, 
 Wamt Wellington at Brussils when the fightin began in the ney-
 
 268 WAR LETTEBS OF 
 
 brood of Waterloo, and dont our ginrals all take pattern arter 
 the Iron Dook. Ef you should happen to here afore Sunday 
 that Williamsburg hes ben tuck, be sure to menshin that Ginral 
 Keys was at his post in time to pardizzypate in the defect. 
 
 The reports about the enemee retreatin from the Rapperham- 
 mock is all bolderdash. Ginral Hooker nose better, and jest as 
 sun as the sile on the banks will support his legins, he will order 
 the bugles to sound and go in like a trump. Hooker is all grit 
 and grissel from his corns to his coconut. Sum thinks he's not 
 up to the fancy dodges of a brilyant retreat, and I think its likely, 
 for he's not of a relirin dispersishin. Ef the Gardin of Ediu 
 was behint him and the infernal Haidees in frunt, he'd pitch 
 right inter the latter as joyfully as ef he was rushin inter the 
 arms of his wife. Thars nuthin of the crab about Fightin Joe ; 
 his legs is oney maid to go wun way ; he kant advance back- 
 ards. His army is in reglar pugilistick condishin, and it will be 
 a bluddy day for Secesh when he throes his cockt hat inter the 
 battle ring. 
 
 The pollytishins here is considabully eggsersized about the 
 cummin eleckshin in Conneticut. Major-Ginral and Mrs. Thumb, 
 who hev recently ben dooin the State onder the orspeaces of Mr. 
 Barnum, hev sent on wurd that its all right ; but Seckatry Welles 
 is dubyus. Howsever, he doosent no the State as well as the 
 State nose him, so he may be rong. For my own pairt, line 
 willin to bet high say Guvner Seemore's Chepultepeck Swoord 
 of honor to a wooden nutmeg that the Copperheds will git 
 skunkt. I oney wisht the Conneticut regeraents at the Seat oi 
 War hed a chanst to vote. Wouldn't they aim thar ballots whar 
 they all us aim thar bullets, right at the face and eyes of treason ! 
 Wai, I reckin they would ! Its too bad, while the brave fellers 
 is smashin Seceshinists in the feeld, that the ConcessTdnists 
 should be helpin Jelf Davis to hum ; but I kant bleve but wot 
 the sneakin cusses will meet with cold cumfort when the issoo 
 cums to be tried at the poles. 
 
 His Amabul and Upright Eggsellency the President, the cher- 
 ful and happy, hes not utterd a cannondruin for sum time, and 
 intends, I onderstand, to abstain from his ushil endulgences in 
 that line onlil arter the day sot apart for huinilashin and prare. 
 Altho a Fast man, he hes a wunderful idee of properiety. 
 Hopin that fastin will enabul us to take Yicksburg and mebbe 
 it will, as we air told Hunger will make its way throo stun walls 
 I rernane, with plus felines, 
 
 Yours allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 
 
 No. XCV. 
 
 [The result of the Connecticut election, so boldly predicted 
 by our correspondent, when a Republican defeat was universally 
 expected here, appears by his letters to have had a cheering 
 effect upon his spirits. His description of the feminine rumpus 
 in Richmond, although it differs in some respects from the 
 accounts in the Richmond papers, is, no doubt, the correct ver- 
 sion, as his sources of information are always reliable, and he 
 never exaggerates. A careful perusal of his brief remarks on 
 the report of the War Committee will enable the reader to 
 guess at his opinion of General McClellan, though he writes 
 very guardedly. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAI, HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, April 9, 18C3. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 The Copperhed collaps in Conneticut hes cut the combs of 
 concesshinist cusses in the Capital considabully, and ef Hunter 
 and Dupont suckseeds in the hard brush cummin off on the 
 Sutherh coste, it will leve nuther har nor hide of the Cumprom- 
 rnis party in these diggins. 
 
 I notis as the old rats of the New York World is allreddy put- 
 tin off from the sinkin Secesh raft, " wun eend of witch," as 
 the eddytur navely obsarves, " is onder water in Conneticut." 
 As WOOD was on that eend of the timber, together with all his 
 tuglemen and the Eggspress agent of the consarn, I spose they 
 may be considerd as heving all gon to I)avis Locker. Honabul 
 Thomas Henry Seemore the blind pilot of the onfortnit casta- 
 ways, is sartainly " down among the ded men." Findiii it was 
 no use to struggle agen destiny, he threw up his hands, and sir- 
 renderd hisself to his fate, eggsclaiming as he went onder, " So 
 much for BUCKINGHAM !" 
 
 Ef ennything was wantin to give the deth bio to the " Nuth- 
 ern men wi h Suthern principals", the mistake they made in 
 holdin entervews with Lions, the British Plenipenitentiary, 
 would do the job. Lions ses they told him thar mane hope was 
 in British mediashin; in uther wurds, they wanted Victory 
 to interfear to save thar Suthern frends from defeat. You 
 onghter prent the letter of the British Envy on the subjeck, in 
 the collumes of the SUNDAY MERKARY, lor it prooves beyant all 
 kwestin, that the leeders of the Peace Party in New York is the
 
 270 WAR LKTTBKS OF 
 
 meanest set of bootlieks that ever glued thar dirty tungs to British 
 lether. 
 
 Judgin from the resent wimmins riot in Eichmound, things is 
 tendin to a crysis in Jeffland. The Amazins, it seems, was 
 hedded by a lady in independent suckemstances, and as might 
 naterally be sirmised, they attacted the millindary establishments 
 and dry goods stores with desput fury. They hysted a banner bar- 
 ing the inskripshin, " Bunnets or Blood", and went inter the fray 
 with horrid hoops and hidyus yells. Arter takin the dry goods 
 establishments by storm, they dressed thar ranks, and assailed 
 the skeart factories, exposin thar pursons in the most fearless 
 manner, and carryin all. before em. Crossin Shockoh Crick, 
 they marched agin the modests in the fashinabul pairt of the 
 city, and tho an attemp was made to barricade the streets, the 
 bresl works did not for a moment impede thar progress. Thar 
 crownin feet was to mount all the tallest stiles in French hats, 
 arter witch they consented to listen to a speetch from JeiF Davis, 
 who gin his word of honor to supply em with French rolls and 
 omlets evry inornin for brekfast, at his own expens ; arter witch 
 they kwitely disburst. Altho thar skellinton forms bore wit- 
 ness to thar destitooshin, it is an astonishin fack that as sun as 
 the rampage among the silks and ribbins and cetery began, they 
 entirely forgot thar stumrnicks, and it was not ontil Jeff began 
 to tork to em about provisions that they remembered thar fama- 
 lies was starvin. Thar wardrubs bein now thurrowly replen- 
 isht, it is thort that they will not feel inklined to fly to arms 
 agin afore the Fall Fashins is advertised. 
 
 The report of the Committee on the Conduck of the "War is 
 mutch disgust in pollytickle sirkles here. Maclellin is denounst. 
 as a Ginral thing. Menny thinks he was a leetle rnite overcaw- 
 ehus. He seems to hev hed a great respeck for the milentary 
 rool that a Cummander-in-chief shouldn't resk his life onnes- 
 sarily. Sum allows that he rayther run the idee inter the 
 ground, and was so ankshus not to hev his plans deranged by 
 any axdcnt to hisself, that it made him peer ridickalus. Uthers 
 represents that altho brave as a lion, he is of a narvous tem- 
 perament, and consekeiitly doosent like to go inter the noise and 
 turmoil of an engagement for fear of loosin his hed and bein 
 onabul to give his orders clarly. For my own pairt I regaird 
 him as a fine man in an onfortuit persishin ; but as the report 
 oi the Committee is a breef dockyment of oney seven thousand 
 pages, in coarse evry man will read it for hisself and form his 
 own opinyun. I raaly wouldn't hev bleved that it could hev
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 271 
 
 brti curuprest inter nearly the same space as Bancroft's History 
 of the United States, witch it doosent eggseed more'n two or 
 'liree vollums. 
 
 The Government is in hourly eggspectashin of larnin.that 
 Charlestun is an ash heap ; but I am not kwite so sangwinary. 
 A.rter all the time the rebels hes hed for obstructin the channels, 
 to say nuthin of all the forts bein cased with pig iron, they must 
 be poor shoats ef they cant keep us at bay for sum time to cum. 
 Tliars no dout, I spose, that our Monitors will giv em a lessin in 
 the eend, but theyve got a tuff rod in pickle for us, and our gun- 
 boats will get menny a hard spank afore the shindy's over. 
 
 Confidently awaitin the gloryus event, tho onsartain when it 
 will cum off, I remain, serenely, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEE. 
 
 No. XCVI. 
 
 [We commend the views of our cynical correspondent on the 
 " check " at Charleston, and the invulnerability of the Monitors, 
 to the attention of all who " halt between two opinions " en these 
 two mooted questions. The Disbanded is. true as steel to the 
 Union cause, but his organ of reverence being imperfectly 
 developed, he does not speak as deferentially as we could wish 
 of persons in authority. As he is not accountable for the shape 
 of his head, we excuse him. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, April 16, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Mfrkary : 
 
 My predickshin that we wouldent redooce Charlestun to ashes 
 so all-thunclerin eesy as sum of our offishal foo-foos sposed, hes 
 ben moanlully foolfllled, and our false profits air considabully 
 taken down by the ackounts from that kwarter. Seckatry 
 Welles looks bewilderd, like a man suddently awoke from a 
 plesent vishin by a cry of fire. It is roomered that his intelleck 
 is givin way, but I don't think thars enny solid foundashin for the 
 report. In reply to those who condole with him on the mis- 
 fortin, he merely ses he " eggspected the reverse", witch is a 
 fack or a fickshin accordin to the sense in witch you take the 
 anser. The truth is that the Illustrus Minister and Mariner hed
 
 272 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 an idee that the Charlestun torts would cave in arter hafe a 
 duzzen rounds or so, and it was oney when he heerd of the 
 sinkin of the Keocuck that he reelized the rebels was reddy for 
 the Tug of War. Ginral Halleck, whenever the subjeck is men- 
 shint in his hearin, assooms the attitood of Ajacks defyin the 
 lightnin, and ef tall torkin could conker the Secesh strong- 
 holt, nuthin more would be reckwisit than to send that dis- 
 tingwisht speshil pleeder to the Charlestun Bar. It is sed that 
 sumboddy axed him tuther day why them seven thousand men 
 was hurrid off on a fool's errant to Folly Island, and wot they 
 was eggspected to do agin five rnilds of forts mounted with a 
 thousand cannon and fifty-five thousand rebel bagnets reddy to 
 give it to em hot and heavy at the uther eend of the cool da sack, 
 I dont no wot reply the galliant Atturney-Ginral I call him so 
 bekase he was an Atturney prevus to bein a Ginral made to 
 this important kwestin, but I onderstand the troops was sent on 
 to see how alrnity kwick thirty- two guns could smash a line of 
 works stronger'n Sebasterpull, onder a corncentrickle fire from 
 three hundred rifled peaces at a distans of seven hunderd yerds. 
 It was thort the spectickle would be encurridging to the land 
 forces, and inspire ein with no eend of ardor and devoshin ; but 
 as it turnt out, they went back reflectin serously on the onsar- 
 tinty of accornplishin onpossabilities. 
 
 The modern Father of his Kentry is cam and composed onder 
 the late dispensashin. He says it was " not a repulse oney a 
 check". Prehaps he means a check-mate, for my nobul frend 
 offen conseals sumthin redickalus onder his .gravest remarks. 
 Happenin to ketch his egul eye as he stood on the stare-way of 
 the War Department to-day, he beckont me too him, when the 
 follerin dialog ensood : 
 
 " Honabul Abe," ses I, " wot do you think of the problem of 
 iron-clad involnerability ?" 
 
 " Disbanded," he replied, " it is a problem no longer the 
 rebels lies riddled it." 
 
 "But accordin to Ericson," I remarkt, "the new fightin 
 rnasheens wurkt percisely as intended. He considders ein a 
 sucksessful eggsperiment." 
 
 "That's nateral," rejined the President, "I dessay the three 
 navigaters of Gotham as went on a creAVS in a bowl, crackt up 
 their craft as a first rate speciment of navel holler- ware." 
 
 "He ses," Icontinned, "that our attact on Sumter was 'fraught 
 with incalkalable benefit.' " 
 
 " Asalting to no porpus, and gettin an orful pepperin iri
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 278 
 
 return, doosent seem to me like gettin the best of the brile," he 
 anserd. 
 
 " That's troo," ses I, " and I think you hed better rite to the 
 Gentuian from Denmark, and ax him ef he wont dane to eggs- 
 plane his meanin. He's a skyentific feller," I added, "no 
 kwestin about that ; but he was ekwilly confident about his 
 atmusferic ship, witch howsever proved a thing of air and arter 
 a few puffs from the press sobsided with an asmatic wheeze inter 
 oblivyun." 
 
 " I remember it, D. V., I remember it," remarkt the President 
 thortfully, " and that affair oughter have ben a monitor to the 
 nashin, caushinin us not to put too much faith in new projecks 
 from the same kwarter." 
 
 " Now you go too fur," I subjested, " the new stile of iron- 
 clads is ondoutedly good things in thar way, and ef thar imper- 
 feckshins ken be reinooved they will do good sarvice under sar- 
 tain contingenscas. Wot I objeck to is the assershin of the 
 inventor that ' not a single change of plan is called for.' " 
 
 Oursaygasheus Cheef Madgistrit agreed with me, as ushil, and 
 the upshot of the matter is that the armor of the new Monitors 
 is to. be made thick enuff to stand enny kwantity of hits from 
 the biggest kind of missills, and ef the addishunal weight carries 
 em down at thar moorins, we must let the invenshin slide, and 
 charge the expens to the sinkin fund. Ef we sink the hull 
 thars more whar that cums from, and we know all thunderin 
 well thars ten times as mutch whar it will go to. 
 
 We air ankshusly lookin for intellegens from North Caroliny, 
 and I rather imadgin that when it arrives it will be of the ill- 
 starred South Caroliny stripe in uther words onfavorabul to 
 the Stripes and Stars. Ef the sevin thousand Union troops that 
 was despatched from Hilton Hed to chaw up the fifty-five 
 thousand rebels at Charlestun, had ben sent to Ginral Foster, he 
 mought hev licked his assailants, insted of bein as he is at 
 present, cooped up on a tung of land, and in the jaws of destruck- 
 shin. I persoom he will meet with what my illustrus paytrun 
 would call a " check" on the banks of the Tar. 
 
 But notwithstandin the imbesillyty that prevails at head 
 kwarters, the good caws is bound to cum out right in the eend. 
 
 With strong faith in the kentry, but not a mite in the Admin- 
 istrashin, I remain, 
 
 With a stiff backbone, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 12*
 
 274 WAR LETTERS Off 
 
 NO. xcvn. 
 
 [The Veteran flaps his wings and crows over the late successes 
 of our arms, like a patriot as he is, but there is a spice of satire 
 in his composition that must have vent somehow, and it leaks 
 out toward the close of his epistle. And yet there is no more 
 real bitterness in him than there is in a Newtown pippin. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, April 23, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Things looks a leetle brighter for our blessed old Unkel E. P. 
 Unuru, this week, clont they ? Ginral Foster got outer his skrape 
 better'n thar was enny resin to andissipate, and the public mind 
 here, arter bein wurked up to a tearable pitch, hes at lenth been 
 sot at rest by the result of the late hevvy brush on the Tar. 
 
 The intelligens from the Blackwater, that Peck hed carrid his 
 pint was also receved with onineshered satisfackshin at Head 
 Kwarters. Peck is a wurthy sun of the Empire State and like 
 her'n his motto is Excel Sir. A better sojer never drawd a 
 swoord, and Old Onadagger hes a right to brag on him. I hope 
 the way he salted Longstreet's advance will be apresheated in 
 Syracuse. The fact is when Longstreet crost the Blackwater, 
 and D. H. Hill started from tuther side of the Dismal Swomp to 
 meet him, they thort they hed Suffolk shoor. The two together 
 hed sixty thousand of the very flour of the Cornfedrit troops, 
 enuff to suffokate Peck's small corpse by thar mere weight, ef 
 they could hev throvd tharselves onto both his flanks at wunst. 
 But he gin Longstrect his grewill mity kwick, and Hill bein 
 onabul onder the suckemstances to advance to his sucker, our 
 victry was complete. About the same time too the secesh was 
 gettin a lammin from Ginral Getty and Levetenant Lamson, who 
 stormed thar Nancy Mond brestworks with great ardor and en- 
 tire suckcess. 
 
 Right on the heals of this good noose cum wurd that Admaril 
 Porter hed run the Vicksburg batterees with six iron-clads and 
 some troops in transports, and astonisht the Butternuts in the 
 woods around "Warrenton with a shower of ten-inch shells. 
 
 Simultanus with the abuv arrove a short electree-magnetic 
 epistol from the Corinthians, announcing that Ginral Dodge hed 
 ben lettin daylight inter the rebel gentiles near Corinth, and that 
 they hed fled from the rath to cum. 
 
 Even that warnt all, for we heerd the same day from New
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 275 
 
 Orleans per George Washington, that Ginral Emory hed gin the 
 enemy a severe rub in frunt, and that Ginral Weasel hed made a 
 strong demoustrashin on thar rare afore they got scent of his 
 moovements. The probility is they hev ben skunkt. A black 
 detachment likewise peers to hev ben dooin good sarvice in that 
 kwarter. Four hnnderd and fifty secesh, consistin of horse foot 
 and dragons, it seems attacted wun hunderd and eighty nigs, 
 eggspectin to chaw em up right away. But the Shiverally as 
 went out for wool cum back shorn, with a loss of twenty killed, 
 menny wounded and three snaked off as prisners, and leavin 
 thar cullers in the hands of the cullerd pursons. 
 
 All this is encurridgin and I feel in fussrate sperrits, and so doos 
 my steamed frend His Eggsellency the President of the United 
 States. Indeed I never seen that great Pollytickle and Milen- 
 tary Loominary more full of enthusiastick fire, and ef he hedn't 
 gin vent to his felines by admittin Western Virginny into the 
 Union sixty days arter date, I dunno but his senses mought hev 
 ben endangered by a suddent rush of victry to the head. Good 
 tidins from the seat of war is so onfrekwent, that when our 
 troops make a successful dash, the inseargeants ken skarsly be 
 more taken by supprise than we air. 
 
 The sakrid sile, I am happy to say, will soon hev sufiBshent 
 consistency to allow us to operate with artillery. An a decamp 
 from the Rapperhammock informs me that most of the cannon 
 as sunk inter the moreasses when Burnside boggled in his last 
 attemp, lies ben dug out, and that the river kentry, with the egg- 
 Bepshin of the fishers opened in the road by heat of the sun, 
 will be in putty good condishun for a march by the last of April. 
 The Army of the Potomac hevin jest ben paid off, is in a happy 
 frame of mind, and the men, though a good deal engaged in 
 brag, air ankshus to face the bullets of the enemy. Thar'll be 
 an everlastin big funeral or a mity rapid foot race in them dig- 
 gins putty resently. The rebel ginrals eggspect a shindy thar 
 immediently, and Fightin Jo is not the man to disappint thar 
 resinable tho tresinable longins. Ef he doosent warm the wax 
 in thar ears afore the first of May, I think it will be the folt of 
 the struttygists at Washington. 
 
 My heroick paytrun, the nashiu's cheef, was delited, doorin his 
 late visit to Ginral Hooker, with the sojerly aperience of the 
 sojers. He witnessed the artillery's shell practis with much sat- 
 isfackshin, remarkin, in his farseeshus way, that it was ekquil to 
 Oysterlitz. I bleve he intermated a wish at wun time, to take 
 command in purson, and seezin a flag, waved it tords the enemy :
 
 276 \7AB LETTERS OF 
 
 but on its bein subjested by sumboddy that " Deth lores a shinin 
 mark", lie waved the subjeck. It would be a gloryus sight to see 
 the galliant cheef chargin at the head of the Highland Regi- 
 ment, in the same Scotch uniform he wore cloorin his sellybrated 
 forced march from Philadelphy to Washington. The story 
 about his hevin his rains seezed by insubordinit sojers, \vho de- 
 manded his munny or his life, is altogether onlroo. They simply 
 stopt his carridge, and respeckfully axed him ef he would like 
 to hear em sing, " How air you, Greenbacks ?" a beautiful solow, 
 witch, as yon air awar, was sung with great applause by Bryant 
 of the Evenin Post, at the Minstrel Hall in Broadway, jest arter 
 his troupe got thar fat Guverment offices. 
 
 In referrin to the Presidenshil visit to the Rapperhamrnock, I 
 oughter menshin that Mrs. Lincoln, like her honnerd husband, 
 was much pleased with the milentary aperience of the niilentary. 
 This important fack hes never ben allooded to by the Washing- 
 ton correspondents of your leaden daylies, but I am satisfide it is 
 awethentick. 
 
 Hevin nuthin further of intrest to comrnoonicatc, I send you 
 my blessin, in which the President and the heads of the War 
 and Navy Departments condesendinly concurs, and remain as 
 ushil, Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 NO. xcvm. 
 
 [The old warrior's letter for this week is a queer, desultory, 
 rigmarolish sort of affair. He makes no comment on current 
 events, and his communication is not at all in the vein in which 
 he usually writes. Well, so much the better. It is not desir- 
 able that correspondents, like violinists, should achieve a repu- 
 tation for fiddling persistently on a single string. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, May 1, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Judgin from the way the slashes around Washington is dryin 
 up, the varus army corpses will sun be able to moove without 
 dannger of bein berrid alive in mud. Spring is a breef and 
 summary seesin in these diggins, and altho this is oney the first 
 of May, it is warm enuff to take wuns dejuner in the open air.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 277 
 
 Yestday I mounted my charger a butiful dun brown animal 
 persented to me by Gimal Maclellin arter his sevin days retreat 
 froni the White House to Hairassin Landin and tuck a ride 
 inter Prence Georges County, as far as Slygo Crick, a seekwes- 
 tard slreem as runs a little to the eastard of the Deestrick line. 
 On arrivin at Carols Mill I found the birds singin gaily in the 
 old feelds, and evrything lookin peaceful and plesent. Ah! 
 thort I, as I notist a gang of feeld hands standin eatin thar lunch 
 in the corner of a corn patch, how diffrent is this fete shampeter 
 from the fete saltpeter that is goin on on tuther side of the Poto- 
 mac. Here, I solilykwised, the blacks is plantin corn thar the 
 whites is plantin cannon here the slaves is kwietly tendin to 
 thar craps thar, freemen, in the wurds of the poick, "like 
 rippers descend to the harvest of Deth ; here, the coo of the 
 turkle is heerd in the land thar, evrything is preparin for a coo 
 de main ; here, the grass blades is greenly springin thar, the 
 swoord blades is redly wavin ; here, hunderds of fetherd song- 
 sters pores forth grateful rnewsick thar, the ear is deefend by 
 the thuuderin Parrots ; here, man's labor hes a blessed aim 
 thar, his pershoots is of a holey opposit nater. The corntrast 
 was too aflectin to be dwelt on, so wipin away a tear with my 
 hankerchcr, and at the same time givin ray hoss a wipe Avith 
 the cowskin, I dasht inter the woods at a slappin pace. Hevin 
 resided in Prence Georges for a wile, about thirty years ago, I 
 new the names of a good rnenny of the old settlers, incloodin 
 the Martens, wun of hoom hes jest ben caged for indulgin in a 
 bit of a crow over Charlestun. I called on sum of the small 
 planters famrnalies, and found em rayther poorer 'n I left em a 
 score and a hafe years ago; for the sile of the kcntry is the 
 ongratefoolest and nieenest kinder sand that niullins and broom- 
 sedge ever growd on, and the longer a man lives onto it, the 
 more lieabul he is to die of starvashin. The arabul land is so 
 ongodly barren it isent wuth a cuss, and the pastors ia all gar- 
 lick. The inhabitans is a herrin-gutted, slab-sided race, as 
 subsists alltogether on salt shad, salt pork, beans and homany> 
 and Merryland terbacker. In coarse, I dont refer to the big 
 planters, like the Calverts, and Crarnplins, and setch, who hev 
 hunderds of niggers of evry shade and culler and stile of feter, 
 and emung the rest, quoderoons as i'avers thar owners as mutch 
 as wun musheroon favers enuther. Them fellers live like fightin 
 cox, and looks down upon the wun-hoss farmers as skratches lor 
 a livin in the barren sand with as mutch conternp as a pecock 
 would onto a tumble-bug. Most all the popalashin, howsever,
 
 278 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 rich and poor, is of the Rebel perswashin, and would be delited 
 to see Washington in flams, and to ride my lustrns frend Abe on 
 a rail by the light of em. But line kinder wanderin off into gin- 
 ralties. To return. As I was perseedin throo the woods I cum 
 acrost a remarkabul yaller-lookin white man sittin on the stump 
 of a tree he hed jest cut down, and amusin hisself with spittin 
 at a mark he hed blazed onto an old chesuut oak about ten 
 feet off. 
 
 " Wot mought you pay for that cretur of yourn?" ses he, as I 
 rode up. 
 
 " I dident buy him, my yaller flower of the forrest," ses I. 
 
 " You look to me considabul like a Nuthern Mudsill," he re- 
 markt, throo his nose, at the same time takin a lickwid shot at 
 his terbacker-juice target. 
 
 " You call yourself a Buckskin, I spoae," I replide. 
 
 "Umn-umn," he responded, spittin and noddin at the same 
 moment. 
 
 " Doos that mean yes, in Buckskin dialeck ?" I inkwired. 
 
 " Umn-unin !" he rejined. 
 
 " Wai," ses I, " youre kwite right to call yourself a Buckskin, 
 for your peltry peers to be purty near the culler of my old Cali- 
 forny huntin shirt, eggsept whar its warigated with the juce oi 
 the weed." 
 
 "Umn-umn!" he ejacklated, fiercely, eggspectoratin like a 
 hose pipe. 
 
 " Have you heerd that we've givin the mfarnal Secesh fits at 
 all pints ?" I shouted. 
 
 " Umn-umn ?" ses he, inderogativly. 
 
 "Darn your ' Umn-umn!' " ses I. "Why dont you utter ar- 
 ticklit sounds, insted of makin a noise like a bumble-bee with a 
 bad catar ?" 
 
 " Umn-umn !" ses he agin, throwin away his kwid and spittin 
 at it on the vring. 
 
 And that was all I could git outer the interestin young Prence 
 Georgian. I warnt surprised, becase I new by eggsperiens the 
 natur ot the Prence George variety of the human speeches) 
 " Umn-umn" is the leadin frays of thar langwidge. It lies 
 twenty-five diffrent meanins, accordin to the way it is per- 
 nounst, and the oney wunder to me is that they dont destroy the 
 mewcuss rnembrains of thar noses, with playin the variashins 
 oa it from mornin till night. Thar edicashin, upon the hull, 
 is not pollisht. Sum ken read, sum ken rite, and sum ken doo 
 nuther; but as a ginral thing oney the aristockracy ken doo
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 279 
 
 both. They considder publick skools a poplar error, and that 
 the wisdom got outer books is all a follysee. The males take to 
 chawin immediently arter they hev dun teething, and parsevere 
 in the practis arter all thar teeth is gon. In thar fudes and 
 kwarls they make it a rool never to let a man up ef they ken 
 help it. and air so fond of gouging that they will amuse thar- 
 selves all day long -with skoopin out the eyes of potaters, ef they 
 kant find ennything else to oprate upon. Sum of em, arter 
 takin out the opticks of an enemee, hev a plesent way of fillin 
 the orifiz^es up with sand, or, ef convenient, with old sojers. I 
 wunst seen this feet peribrmt on Washington Race Coarse. 
 
 Takin it altogether, I must say that my eggscurshin inter 
 Prence George's County diddent giv me a faverabul impresshin 
 of the trooth and lyalty of the peeple of that regiu. 
 
 In fack, ef ennyboddy in the North sposes that enny argyment 
 short of hard nocks and short commons will indooce our way- 
 wurd brothers in the South to fraytemize with us, he must be a 
 purson whoom it would be a foolsom complement to call a foo-foo. 
 
 Hopin that we may sun suckseed in convincin em of thar 
 misstake by setch mild perswashins, I remane, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 
 
 No. XCIX. 
 
 [Although the later news from Washington which we publish 
 to-day solves the bloody problem which seemed to be but half- 
 worked out at the date of our veteran correspondent's letter, his 
 dry humor and trenchant sarcasm will be none the less relished 
 on that account. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, May 7, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary: 
 
 As you will hear no more of the tearabul serees of runcounters 
 on the Rapper-hammock, afore this reaches you then ennyboddy 
 here doos now, I shall not attemp in the ushil stile of newspaper 
 currysponclents to make matters clar to the public witch I hev 
 no means of seein throo myself. Insted of grafflc deskripshins, 
 I rel'er you to the tellagraffic statements. At best I could oney 
 giv you the heads of the noose, and by Saturday you will hev 
 details.
 
 All day yestday I was sirkilatin among a number of wownded 
 cumpany offsirs and rebel prisners, sent in from our lines, and 
 endevorin from thar conflicktin ackounts to form sum idee ol 
 the conflick. But it was onpossabul. Our own fellers unanny- 
 musly disagreed in thar stories and the rebels dident agree with 
 enny of em. The fact is that suppleturn offsirs nose very littel 
 of the ginral moovements of a fight. They air too apt to dror 
 thar inferences from wot occurs within thar own feeld of obser- 
 vashin, and the premises bein narrer the conclushins is naterally 
 wide of the mark. Consekently wile a wownded captin belongin 
 to the force witch bed ockapied the ridges at Fredericksburg 
 was sartain that we bed nockt Ginral Lee inter a cockt hat, a 
 lefteuant from the right wing was of a pinion that Ginral Hooker 
 bed ben kickt higher'n a kite. Howsever as the leftenant was a 
 shiftless Dutchman from Ginral Shirtz divishin, and bed a bullet 
 bole in the sole of his foot, I let him run on without payin much 
 attenshin to his gabble merely remarkin that as he appeered to 
 hev ben in a bad persishin for seein wot was goin on in frunt, I 
 should prefer waitin for Ginral Slowcum's report. He warnt 
 awar I spose that I bed alreddy beerd of the grand stampede of 
 the Dutch under Shirtz, a feet as will proove to all cummin ages 
 that altho clumsy to look at, thar is wunderful fleetness in the 
 German Race. A wownded offsir of Best's Artillery, who 
 arrove here this mornin, ses he never seen the crack runners of 
 the Turn Veerin make setch time as all bans did arter Stun- 
 wall's Jackson's gang gin thar battel yell and made thar rush. 
 " Ive beern tell," ses be (larfin in spite of his wownd), " of the 
 Flyin Dutchman of the Sea, but seven thousand flyin Dutchmen 
 on the land, with a volley of musketry plumpen inter thar 
 starns, is a mutch sublimer specktickle." By all ackounts, ef 
 they hedn't ben brort up all standin by the bagnets of Sykeses 
 Reglars, they would hev kept on to the day of thar deth, like 
 thar sellybrated kentryman with the clockwurk leg. 
 
 As to the rebel prisners, thar ginral asspeck is skallywaggisb, 
 and sum of em smells like old cannon swobs, in consekens of 
 lievin ben primed with a rnens 'kwantities of rum and gun- 
 powder prevus to goin inter ackshin. In coarse the reackshin is 
 tremenjus, now the effecks of the steamin is goin off, and not a 
 few of em is in a condishin borderin on wot the doctors call 
 many a pot you. Thar wardrubs air mostly light and well 
 adopted to porpuses of ventilashin ; and judgin from thar thred- 
 bar apperience, you would say setcb men must sun be worsted. 
 But thar frames air well knit and wiry, and they bev a rattle-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 281 
 
 snaky eggspreshin about the eyes that is by no means engagin. 
 As to fitiii, most of em is born with a nateral taste for it, wile 
 with us Nutherners it is ackwired. Howsever, kwite a number 
 of those I hev converst with complains of the shortness of grub 
 in the rebel ranks, and seems ankshus for a speedy piece. " At 
 first," ses wun of em to me, yestday, " I thort it was a jam up 
 thing to be a sojer ; but toting a muskit on an emty sturnmick is 
 alarinin hard work, lie be gaul darned ef it isent!" Anuther 
 told me he hed " drord no pay for leven munths, and ben down 
 with the billus remittance besides, and he wisht he mought go 
 ded if he dideut think it was bout time for both sides to stop 
 butting and gouging, and rest on thar lorils." Several that I 
 torked to declard they hed no desire to be " traded off for Yan- 
 kees," but would rayther stay here and take the oath of a legions 
 than be sent back to the Secesh army. 
 
 The Secesh simperthisers here is in an agerny about Ginral 
 Lee's extree-hazardus persishin, and the presents of two thou- 
 sand five hunderd captivated rebels in the city, with four or five 
 thousand more to foller, sours the milk of human kindness in 
 thar coco nuts considabul. But they think it best to cork up the 
 vials of thar rath, and let consealment like a wurm in the bud 
 pray on thar dammask cheeks, for fear they should sheer the 
 fait of Villaindigham, who, in consekens of shoin his hand in 
 Ohio, lies put his foot in it. 
 
 The noose in town to-day is that the Monitors is preparin 
 wunst more to enter the narrer channil ef the Edisto and giv 
 the Uharlestun forts anuther broadside. I gess taint so. Giddy un 
 Wells is a man that may as a ginral thing be depended on for 
 doin jest what he oughtent, when he oughtent, in the way it 
 oughtent to be dun, but line not prepard to bleve that his embe- 
 sillyty will carry him far enulf to poke his finger a seckind time 
 inter the fire afore the blisters of the first skorchin hes fairly 
 heeld. But wot a pity it is we should hev setch a Giddy Goose 
 at the head of a Department whar the cunnin and forecast of the 
 Fox should be the guvernin principal. 
 
 My indummytable frend, the President, presarves his ushil 
 trankwil asspeck. He seems to reelize the responsabilities that 
 attach to the Eggseggative cheer, and rises with the ockashin. 
 As it is now mail-time I must foller his illustrua eggsample, as 
 sun as I hev subskribed myself, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 ii.ya to. ..v^-"-
 
 282 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 No. C. 
 
 [The readers of the SUNDAY MERCURY will, we think, agree 
 with its editors iii pronouncing the following letter, from the 
 veteran friend of both, one of his happiest efforts. It is brimful 
 of capital hits. Peruse it carefully. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTER, WASHINGTON, May 14, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Bad warnt it ? Jest as we was beginnin to holler Victry, and 
 hed got to the eend of the first sellabul, to hev to change the 
 wurd inter victimized! The rout to the Capital of the Slave 
 States peers to be rayther harder to travil than the road to the 
 sorces of the Niger, witch I remember readin about when a 
 youngstir, in Mungo Park. Hooker's dash, howsever, is sartainly 
 an improovement on the Burnside smash, tho the result of the 
 fray is percisely the same, and was announst by eye-witnesses in 
 the same frayseology, namely " Our Army hes recrost the river 
 in saifty." It is satisfactory to no that our survivin collumes hes 
 returnt saift. The return of killed and wownded is onavoidably 
 postponed, for the present, in consekens of thar bein left on the 
 right bank of the Rapperharnmock, reposin on the bed of glory. 
 That collume, when it cums to be footed up, will be a hevvy 
 wun Ime afeard. 
 
 The most cumfurtin fetor of the bluddy affair is the large num- 
 ber of rebels slain. Bein more'n hafe slewed with rum and gun- 
 powder, they rusht blindly on thar doom and was tumbled over 
 in heeps by our staggerin showers of grape. The sum totil as 
 bit the dust is onknown, as it warnt conveenyent to stay long 
 enuff on the ground to count em up ; but when our army goes 
 back to finish up the job, that dooty will be performt, and the 
 fishal ackount publisht. As to prisuers we hev stacks of em, 
 and capterd rebel flags is so plenty in the market that they may 
 be called a drug rayther than a standard airtickle. 
 
 The reports from the Theayter of War clash so orfully, that it 
 is difficult for enny wun not behind the seens to assertain the 
 origin of our discomforter. Sum ses it was the wether. Uther 
 sum allows we should hev hed to back down wether or no. Dis- 
 tingwisht milentary men thinks the enemee outflankt us ; sum 
 thinks they outspankt us. Who nose ? Wun thing is shoor. 
 The story of thar flite from the line of the Rapperhammock, 
 was a fiite of fancy. In coarse you hev red Fitiu Joes flamming
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 283 
 
 address, congratalatin our army on its defeet. Ginral Lees many- 
 fester clahnin a complete sucksess is in a simildar vain. As 
 far as Bunkum is consarned it is about a tie atwixt em, but our 
 Ginral is on the rong side of the river, witch is a serus drawback. 
 
 Onder the suckemstances, it's wunderful consolin to refleck 
 that Stunman inflickted a stunner on the rebs by cuttin thar rail- 
 roads when they hed no more sojers in Richmound to send over 
 em. Also we oughter to be thankful to no that/ ef Hooker hed 
 larnt that important fack in time, he would hev "delivered 
 battle" with his hull army, in place of deliverin the army itself, 
 with immedient despatch, on the North bank of the Rapper- 
 hammock. It is likewise a proud thort that the sight of our 
 troopers throo sevral old wimmin in the secesh Capital inter 
 sreekin hisstearicks, and set the fashinabul belles to ringin thar 
 hands, and the church-bells to ringin thar clappers, creatin a 
 universal perricksism of oncontrollabul emoshih. The onhappy 
 females eggspected tho ushil outrages, and nuthin shorter ; but 
 to the honor of our sojery be it sed, they merely flurished thar 
 weepins in full vew of the city, and then rode on, disdainin to 
 use em on nun-cumbertents. 
 
 Wot the necks dodge will be the latest noose from head-kwar- 
 ters doosent indickate. It mebbe backards, or forrards, or try- 
 angler from Eely's Ford, or parrybolical or parrydoxical the 
 last inenshind bein upon the hull the most probabul. Mutch 
 depends upon the struttygests of the War Department. The 
 late trip over the Rapperhammock and the Rapid Ann, is sed to 
 hev ben figgerd out in that interestm branch of the public ser- 
 vis, and I onderstand it is oney the first moove of a serious 
 destined to giv the Confedrates setch shocks in the feeld as will 
 compel em to acknolledge the corn afore harvest time cums 
 round. The ridg'nater of the skeem is the smooth and polisht 
 Ginral Halleck, and it is wisperd that he will assoom the cum- 
 mand of the Army of the Potomac and carry the diegram out in 
 purson. The vetran offsirs, in the feeld air kwite agreeable, for 
 as he frekwently hauls^them over the coals, they think it no 
 more'n right that he should hev a chanst to take a hand at ma- 
 nooverin onder fire hisself. I dessay he will do wunders, for he 
 hes hed the advantidge of a West Pint eddicashin tho onfortnitly 
 he dident carry his pint in the West. Ef thar is enny bridging 
 to be dun he will be sartain to hev the pontoons on the spot by 
 the time the enemee is prepard to receeve em. 
 
 You will notis that thar is a triflin disagreement atwixt the 
 bellygerents, in relashin to the rebel loss in the late shindy.
 
 284 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 Hooker ses eighteen tJiousand; Lee ses seventeen hundred. The 
 trooth is sposed to lie sumwhars atween the two, but noboddy 
 eggsept the Recordin Angel ken tell percisely whar, and he's 
 ben kep so etarnal bizzy lately that its ten to wun ef his books 
 is posted up. Thars no dout, howsever, that we bagged four or 
 five thousand of thar rank ancl file, and tharfore Lee s statement 
 must be as rank a fib as ever was put on file by a Ginral ank- 
 shus to make the best of an aukard skrape. 
 
 Stunwall Jackson's deth will be a bad thing for the rebels, as 
 his energetick sperrit was the life and soul of the corpse to 
 witch he belonged. They could better hev spard forty ridge- 
 ments of thar ornary butternuts, Kernils and all, then that crack 
 namesake of Old Hickory's. Thar's not an olfsir hafe as kwick 
 on the trigger left in the Comfedrit Army. His charge on Shirtz 
 divishin was a suprisin feet. It beat the Dutch. Thar never 
 lived a braver sojer than Stunwall, and I gess he thort he was 
 right, tho in coarse he found out that he was in the rong box as 
 sun as he had kickt the bucket. The Richmound Inkwirer ses 
 he was shot by his own men, who misstook him for a mudsill. 
 Setch axdents will happen in the best reglated milentary famma- 
 lees. It is ginally bleved that Kernil Miles, of Bull Run and 
 Harper's Ferry sellebraty, was plugged by a Union sojer, who took 
 him for a traitor. Prehaps the sojer was right. Menny thinks so. 
 
 Congratalashins bein the Order of the Day, I congratalate the 
 kentry on the fack that Grant holds the door to Vickshurg. 
 Lord grant that he may walk in ! But Ime afeard thar'll hev to 
 be considabul knockin dun afore the chaps as hangs onto the 
 door on tuther side lets go thar holt. Vicksburg is of a thun- 
 derin sight more importence to us then Richmound, bekase ef 
 we git the Mussysippi, the rebels can eggsport no more supplies 
 from Texas and Western Louseanna to the uther Suthern States, 
 and a state of starvashin will ensoo. 
 
 "We don't get mutch intelligens from Murphy's Burrow, but 
 as Mr. Adams, in anser to Lord Russell's cumplaints about en- 
 listen Brittish subjects, ses the emigrants from Ireland is bound 
 for the West, I persoom Rosincranch is awaitin re-inforcements 
 from the Emrald He. 
 
 Washington is tolably helthy, altho a good roenny visiters is 
 sufferin severely from Tape Worm, a lingerin disease which is 
 prevalent here at all seesins of the year. The Modern Father 
 of his Kentry and his Constitooshinal advisers is salubrus, anu 
 unites with me in remainin, 
 
 Yours allus, A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER.
 
 ADISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 285 
 
 No. CI. 
 
 [It is clear, from the tenor of the following letter, that 
 " The Disbanded " fully appreciates the merits of the question 
 involved in the Vallandigham affair, and we are glad to see 
 that a full understanding of all the facts has drawn from him 
 such a protest against arbitrary and illegal arrests as might have 
 been expected from so staunch an advocate of Constitutional 
 Liberty. He is too much in earnest to be particularly humorous, 
 but his remarks are pithy and pertinent. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, May 21, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Herkary : 
 
 The Coustitooshinal Advisers is far from eesy in thar minds, 
 and the great Springfieldian who holds the rains of pour is a 
 leetle afeard that he hes gone beyant the pail of his orthority in 
 heving Villaindigham jugged. Noboddy keers a red for Vil- 
 laindigham, for it's well onderstood that he's a mere gas-bag ; 
 but it's the idee of overridin the Constitushin and acts of Con- 
 gress with SOJEB LAW that riles the public temper it's the 
 BAGONET that sticks in the gullets of the Peepul. Sum of the 
 most airnest members of the Republican Party is as mutch 
 agen milentary sezers in the free States as Guvner Seemore 
 is, and wun of the most uncumpromissin Unionists in Wash- 
 ington told me, this very mornin, that he thort the SWOORD 
 was inakin altogether too free with the STATOOTS. The Nay- 
 shinal Intelligensir has proovecl beyant all kwestiu that the per- 
 seedins in Ohio was in flagrant vilashin of an eggspress act of 
 the last sesshin ; and I don't spose thar is twenty jernils in the 
 Union that'll jestify the grave afence. We hev noose here 
 to-day that the Press of New York, without distinkshin of party, 
 hes agreed to take up the cudgels agen supersedin legal pro- 
 cesses with MUSKET Lou in the Paytryotic North, and onless 
 the Administrashin drors in its horns on this pint, the Cabnet 
 will purty sun hev the noosepapers in thar har, and thar'll be 
 hot wurk in the wigwarm. 
 
 Ime inklined to bleve that the saygashus statesman onto whoos 
 sholders the mantel of Washington hes drifted, begins to feel 
 like Richloo, in the play, when he found the Weepin of Des- 
 putism rayther too hevvy for a weak old man to fence with ; 
 and hens he hes determined to let the Ohio Humbug up and send 
 him to make out.his case in Dixie, insted of boxing him up in a
 
 288 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 Barsteel. But arter all, this is oney a hafe way meshur, and the 
 ginral pinion amung thortful men in this regin is, that onless the 
 right of the Guverment to make its charges agin citysins of the 
 lyal States with cold steel in the place of paper instrooments, 
 and to try them by drum-head court-marshils insted of leevin 
 them to letherhed Jewries, is disavowed in the plainest terms, 
 thar will be an all-thunderin row wun of these days. 
 
 Belevin that sartain parties who hed the ear of the President 
 was endevorin to pull the wool over his eyes in relashin to pub- 
 lic sentiment on this ticklish subjick, I called at the White 
 House on Toosday and hed a long palaver with him. As no 
 " ginral order" agin the publickashin of the conversashin hes 
 ben issood by the Cheef Maunderin of the "War Department, I 
 venter to send you a diejest of the dielog. The President was 
 remarkably curshus and condesendin. 
 
 "D. V.," ses he when I enterd the sanktum, " I bleve its now 
 seven weeks senst you honnerd me with a call." 
 
 " Six, benine Ruler," I replide, correctin his misstake. 
 
 " I hev stept in," ses I, " in my sufferiii capassity as wun of 
 the peepul, to ax you to put a stop to milentary arrests of civil 
 individyals, in States whar the civil lor hes not ben suspended. 
 If you don't you'll put your foot in it." 
 
 " Sir !" he retorted, with an impeeryal jester of his right 
 hand, while he pulled his whisker with the left, " you air too 
 free." 
 
 " No Abraham," I rejined with kwiet dignity, "7" am not free 
 enuff, when my libty is at the rnarcy of enny Ginral as chooses 
 to trampel on the lors of the land." 
 
 "But," ses he, "you peered to rejice over the downfall of 
 Villaindigham. " 
 
 He thort he had me thar. 
 
 " Yes," I anserd, " that's troo, for I sposed at first he had 
 ben took onder the act of the last seshin of Congress, and 
 would hev a legal trial afore a civil tryboonal. But it seems he 
 was seized, tried and condemd by Sojer Lor alone, in defians of 
 the statoot. Thars nuthin wus'n that dun in Rooshee or 
 Austree." 
 
 " What air you drivin at ? Do I look like a man capabul 
 of establishin and maintainin a milentary desputism ?" ses he, 
 takin a stick of sweet flag outer his pocket, and bitin off the 
 eend of it. 
 
 " Not at all, my mild and much beluved frend," I responded, 
 " ef ever thar was a coco nut full of the milk of human kindnesa
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 287 
 
 it is yourn. But ' Evil commoonicashins corrupt good manners.' 
 Your amabul weakness and vassalatin dispersishin, is took advan- 
 tage of by desinin demmygogs." 
 
 " Oney to think," ses he, puttin his handkercher to his eyes, 
 " tliat my pollytickle enernees should endevor to raze a storm 
 about my ears by representin that I want to redooce my kentry- 
 men to the condishin of surfs." 
 
 " Wall," I obsarved kindly, I don't think that of you ; and ef 
 you want the hull North to entertain the same felines tords you 
 as I do, jest dismiss wun member of your Cabnet, and issoo a 
 Proclamashin announcin that the SWOORD POWER is no longer 
 to be allowed to throttle down free speech in the LAND OF THE 
 FREE. 
 
 He sithed deeply, and mutterd sumthin about callin a Cabnet 
 Counsil, and dooin all he could to satisfy the peepul ; but alas I 
 wots the use of good intenshins without a stiff morril back- 
 bone. 
 
 I think, howsever, that the change in Villaindigham's do. ;y- 
 nasbin is doo to my representashins ; but I don't ask enny thanks 
 from that pollytickle chunk-head or his snake-in-the-grass 
 assoshits. The Administrashin is a darned sight better frend to 
 the Ohio foo-foo than I am, for it is dooin its best to make nateral 
 insignificance conspickuous, by outragin a great prenceple for the 
 sake of chokin him down. 
 
 All is as quiet as a churchyard on the Eapperhammock, and 
 likely to be. Thar ? s about as mutch chansj of Hooker re-crossin 
 that interestin streem at present, as thar is of Stunwall Jack- 
 son's goste cumming back to giv us anuther bastin, from tuther 
 side of Jordin. 
 
 Hopin for the best, but not expectin it very confidently, I 
 remain, for Law, Liberty, and the Union, 
 Yours alias, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. CH. 
 
 [We specially commend to the risible sensibilities of our read- 
 ers the Disbanded's convulsive description of a Cabinet Coun- 
 cil. EDS.]
 
 288 WAB LETTEK6 OF 
 
 NATSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, May 27, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 " I wunder ef Vicksburg is took ?" is the prevalin fizzyonomi- 
 cal eggspreshin in Washington to-day. Ever senst we hed the 
 noose that the enemee hed retreted from the Big Black, a neger 
 desire to no the final issoo hes ben rnanyfested here. A Cab- 
 net meetin was held this forenoon, to disgust the pros and cons 
 of the subjeck, at which my frend, the President, devoted hisself 
 to the cons, as ushil. I hev larnt sum of the particklers of wot 
 occurd at the meetin, throo a privit channil as commoonicates 
 with the back stars of the Counsel Chamber, and I bleve the 
 follerin draymatio sketch of the percedins is as near the trooth 
 as the fasillyties afforded by an ornary keyhole will permit 
 Seen. A rurn in the War Offis. 
 
 Carriclcters present. Messers. A. Lincoln, W. H. Seward, E. 
 Stanton, G. Welles, and S. P. Chase. 
 
 A, L. (risin and openin the palaver). " Feller-Citysins and 
 Constitooshinal Advisers, bein in a state of suspense on ackount 
 of the suspenshin of intelligents from the Sow-west, witch you 
 will agree with me is a great boar, I hev summont you for the 
 porpus of gettin yo r enlightend vews of the situashin at Vicks- 
 burg, about witch I am sorry to say we air all ekwilly in the 
 dark." 
 
 W. H. S. " Mr. President, my opinyun is that an onrepressa- 
 bul conflick is now goin on between Grant and Porter on the 
 wun hand, and Pemberton and Johnston on the uther hand, and 
 regarclin the distant struggel with the cam and thortful eye of 
 a statesman and filossafer, I deem it prematoor to predick the 
 issoo ontil I see the otfshal report of the result. The bitterest 
 thing a man ken swaller is his own wurds, and hevin tasted that 
 kinder diet more'n wunst, I dekline venterin on enny foregon 
 conclushins for the futur. I ken oney say, that as a relijus man, 
 with a firm reliance on Providence, I hope my kentry will allus 
 find a Helper in evry Crisis." 
 
 E. S. (sourcaustically). "I respeck the Honabul gentman's 
 diplomatick cawshin, witch we air all awar is the frutes of sad 
 and solern experience, but as Cannon Lor is esier to onderstand 
 then Intemayshinal Lor, Ime willin to bet him the price of a 
 milentary substitoot agin his chance for the Presidenshil Cheer, 
 that Vicksburg is ourn at this moment." 
 
 A. L. (with that remarkabul wink of hisn). " Bet him William 
 Hemy, rny boy ; you cant loose nuthin, nohow !" 
 
 G. W. (Rip-van- winkellishly). " Idoo spose, now, we shall bag
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 289 
 
 era. Porter's post, now, it appeers to me, decidedly puts wots- 
 his-uanie in the rong box ; and as our files envelop him on the 
 uther side and Johnston hes probly mistaken the direckshin, it 
 doos seem to me now, espeshelly senst that carryer was taken 
 with the rebel despatches, that if Furygut, in the Hartford, 
 sticks to the letter of his " 
 
 A. L. (mildly interruptin). Giddyun, Giddyun, shet up. As a 
 postmaster you adorned your modest stashin, but in setch mat- 
 ters as mastering fortified posts you air not well posted, Welles. 
 Its a pity upon the hull, that you was ever taken outer the post- 
 offis, and put inter anuther post, whar I am afeard you will allus 
 be a ded letter." 
 
 [Here I must brake inter the dielog for a minit, jest to say 
 that I entirely goinside with the abuv astoot observashin, and 
 that the suverin peeple also goinsides, and that we all wish the 
 venabul old gentsian with the top-not would see it in that light.] 
 
 G. W. (seeminly onconshus of the President's remarks). 
 " Yes, as I was sayin, ef my instruckshins is carrid out, the 
 stronghold of the rebels will be took, and thar bullyin party 
 effectually put down." 
 
 S. P. C. (suddently lookin up from the last page of hate a 
 kwire of paper on witch he hed ben calkilatin the compound 
 interest on ten thousand niillyuns of greenbacks for two hunderd 
 years). "Bulliun is down, Sir ; it fell over six per cent in wun 
 day." 
 
 A. L. (hnpayshently). " Let us cum to the pint. The kwestin 
 afore the meetin is this 'Is the mayjority of us in favor of 
 blevin that the flag of the free flotes over the Sebasterpull oi 
 the Mussysippi ?' Salmon P. will please put it to the vote, and 
 giv us the net prosseeds." 
 
 S. P. C. (arter collectin the sentimens of the Counsil). " Ed., 
 Gid. and me votes in the firmative, Abe in the niggertive, and 
 William H. both ways, and wishes both opinyuns to be sot down 
 in black and white, for futur reference. The Kwestin is carrid." 
 
 A. L. "Yes, but line afeard Vickburg aint. Howsevcr, 
 Grant is sartainly the right sort of a boy to push on the colume, 
 and it may be that for wunst the Rooler of Mankind has caused 
 our lines to fall in plesent places. Ef on the contrary the rebels 
 hes ben too mutch for ua, we ken oney say, with the poick, ' thar 
 is a Providence that shapes thar eends, ruff hew em how we 
 will.' And now, the publick bizness hevin ben put throo, lets 
 hev a little hulsum privit recreashin. Gid, why is coukerin 
 Vicksburg by bumbardment like fryin slapjacks ?" 
 13
 
 290 WAB LETTERS OP 
 
 G. TV. (with a sleepy sniild). " Is it bekase its dun brown ?" 
 
 A. L. " No, you old hoss-inareen ; its bekase its a batter-y 
 bizness." 
 
 The Entire Awedience. " Ha ! ha!" "Ho! ho!" "He! he!" 
 "Hi! hi! hi!" 
 
 A. L. (resumin). " My jolly frcncls, why is your larfter like a 
 dispatch announciu the captor of rebel prisners?" 
 
 E. S. " Rayther too eggstravagant to be genwine is that it ?" 
 
 A. L. (lookin riled). " Bah ! you old Bellona saucedge. Cant 
 you see its bekase its a catchy-nater-y report." 
 
 (Anuther interniisshin for risablc refreshment). 
 
 A. L. (resumin agin). Wot game of skill doos the proposed 
 Cornskripshin resemble ?" 
 
 W. H. S. Bubble Shuffle, mebbe." 
 
 S. P. C. I call it the sortin of the pack previous to a game at 
 Water-loo onlimited." 
 
 A. L. " Purty good for you, Old Five-Twenties, but thato not 
 the troo solushin of the problem. The game witch the Corn- 
 skripshin most resembles, is the game of drafts ; and my objeck 
 is to play it accordin to the old rool, and force the back men out 
 as kwick as possabul." 
 
 [Applause by the Cabnet, who rise from thar cheers, shake 
 hands with the President, and exhunt omnibus.] 
 
 Thar, you and the public hev it as I hed it ; and hopin evry- 
 boddy will appreshiate the mixter of wit and wisdom with witch 
 affairs of State air disgust by the Naj r shin's Cheef and his Con- 
 stitooshinal Advisers. I remain, as ushil, 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. CHI. 
 
 [Perhaps we do not entirely coincide with all the views ex- 
 pressed in the following letter perhaps we do. Leaving that 
 matter an open question, we commend the epistle to the serious 
 consideration of thoughtful patriots. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, June 4, 18G3. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 Wunst more the oncoininon smartness of the man called by 
 Providence, throo the Ballet Box, to rool over the most enlight-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 291 
 
 ened nayshin out, hes ben made palpabul to the meanest compre- 
 hensin. I informt you in my last that he stud alone amidst the 
 assembeld wistium of his Cabnet, with reports of the capter of 
 Vicksburg thunderin in his ears, and eggsprest the bleef that it 
 had not been captivated. He prayed that it mought hev ben, 
 but he was shoor it hedent ; and Hevin, ankshus to oblige the 
 kentiy with a noo pruff of his penetrashin, thort it best to disre- 
 gaird his prayers in order to vindicate his judgment. Bein on- 
 willing to place Hevin in setch an embarrassin predickyment a 
 seekind time, he preposes to remain abeslootly non-commital 
 dooring the remainder of the sege. I hev axed him repetidly 
 within the last few days wot he sposed would be the isoo, and 
 his uniform anser hes ben " I look for the best that ken possably 
 happen, and also for the wurst that ken possably occur, and 
 shell cherfully ackquicss in ether." He hes given the same 
 reply I ouderstand to all inkwirin frends, and may now be sed, 
 figgeratively speakin, to be standin nooter afore the peepul, with 
 his eyes shet and his mouth opin, waitin for wot Providence may 
 send him. From the present asspeck of affairs he will probly 
 hev to remain in that attitood for sum time afore ennything 
 draps. 
 
 Yestday thar was a report in town that Ginral Pemberton was 
 hung, but on tracin it to the War Offis I found it arose from the 
 mistake of a clerk as dident no the ropes, vho hed red in a 
 Richmound paper that he was sed to hev ben suspended. The 
 noose was too good to be troo. Auger, I notis, hes given the 
 rebels a round turn at Port Hudson, and the prospeck of his 
 speedily puttin the screws to that important post air, upon the 
 hull, encurridging. Ginral Sexton hes jest ben on from Port 
 Ryal, and he intermated, I orderstand, that Hunter and the Cum- 
 mander at Newbern hes berrid the hatchet and smoked the cala- 
 mus, like Foster-bruthers. Gammon! Hunter, in coarse, hes 
 the warm sport of Chase, but he's bound to be releaved, witch 
 will be a great releaf to Foster, who luvs him ray ther wurse than 
 Satan luvs Saint Peter. 
 
 Ginral Sexton speaks highly of the condishin of our cullcrd 
 brethren in arms in South Caroliny. He ses thar soles air in 
 the cause, and if they git a chanst at thar late masters, the wool 
 will be apt to fly. As a body he considers them ekwil to enny 
 race in the wurld ; and feels sartain that all the charges made 
 agin em will be rebutted in thar first collushin with the enemee. 
 I don't see myself why they should be more afeard to risk thar 
 carcasses than us Carcassians ; and as they hev ben Cuffed all
 
 293 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 thar lives, its oney human natur for em to Cuff back, now thar's 
 a fair openiu. 
 
 On the banks of the Rapperhammock, a deth-like kwiet pre- 
 vales. Sum sposes as Ginral Hooker is ritin a full report of the 
 Union cashualities in the late splurge, and doosent want to be 
 annoyed and put out. Bein a slow penman it may prehaps take 
 him ontil the middle of July to get throo, and then ef the wether 
 is considerd warm enuff he may possably wunst more open fire 
 upon the enemee. In the intrim the Army of the Potomac pick- 
 nicks in peace in the midst of the most pickteresk senery, and is 
 serenaded evry night by hunderds of birds of the whip-her-well 
 speeches, who air thort by sum of the sojers to be the sperrits of 
 thar ded comraids, disguysed in fethers, offerin a frendly sub- 
 jestin as to what oughter be dun to evry wayward sister of the 
 Sutherin Cornfedracy. 
 
 Torkin of sperrits, hev you heerd that sartain members of the 
 Cabnet, as hev desarvedly lost all confidens in tharselves, hes 
 commenst consultin the sperrits of just men made perfeck. 
 They doo say as meetins hev been held at the White House at 
 witch the presense of sum distinguisht members of the under- 
 ground frayternity was respeckfully reckwested, in order to obtain 
 thar vews on the conduck of the war. Et flyin rummers is to 
 be bleved, several deceast worriers sent wurd by the subtrainyan 
 tellagraft that they considerd the kentry goin to the dogs. Ginral 
 Jackson is reported to hev rapt out his opinyun on the hed oi 
 the Seckatry of War in the most emiatic terms to be found in 
 the ded langwidges. Seckatry Welles is also stated to have ben 
 sarved in the same way by the gostes of Perry and Decatur. I 
 don't like to repeat the eggspreshins sed to hev ben addrest to 
 the Seckatries by the departed heroes, bekase I hevent mutch 
 faith in the stoiy ; but ef they did make the remarks attribitted 
 to em, I honor thar judgment and respeck thar candor. 
 
 The ininds of the Constitooshinal Advisers is considabully 
 eggsersised jest now about the Cornskripshin. To borrer a ineta- 
 for, from a high sorce, witch you may hev possably met afore in 
 the noosepapeers, every thing is reddy to " run the masheen" ; 
 but it is thort that it mought run eesier ef the wheels was greazed 
 witch a leetle of the ile of victry. As sun as the Gibberalter of 
 the Mussysippi is took, the President will call for three or four 
 Lunderd thousand men to finish up the war, and it is hoped the 
 draft will be cherfully honered. " Oney let us open the river," 
 ses Stanton, " and tharll be no difficulty about gettin the peeple 
 to fall in." And Halleck allows that when setch is the case,
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 293 
 
 yvryboddy abul to bare arms will be willin to roll up thar shirt, 
 sleeves and do thar purtyest- On the uther hand, ef Grant 
 should go to pot the masses wont be kwitc so cger to be mnsterd. 
 The plain trooth is and its well onderstood here that we've 
 cum to the turnin pint of the great shindy. Queer noshins will 
 occur to the best regulated fammalies, and sumhow a large num- 
 ber of the suns of Columby hes got it inter thar obstinit hods 
 that ******* (you can gess at the name by the number of stars) 
 nose rayther less about plannin c'ampains than the Man in the 
 Moon nose about the state of publick morrills in the planit 
 Venus. Its a dcplorabul thing that an idee of this nater should 
 hev sezed upon the poplar mind ; but the peeple hes ben so 
 frekwently disappinted in consekens of leanin on brokin reeds, 
 that wun ken hardly blame ein ef they pine for a seckind edishin 
 of Old Hickory. 
 
 The wether here is tolabul warm, and the kitchen gardins is 
 full of airly vegetabuls. Altho the war is ragin all around us, 
 everything here seams to betoken peas and plenty. 
 
 " Hopin for the best, but prepard lor the wurst", me and the 
 President continnees trankwil and composed ; and I remain as 
 usiiil, Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. CIV. 
 
 [The Disbanded's lucubrations for this week are of a some- 
 what desultory character. All soils of rumors were afloat ha 
 Washington ; and it is evident that he had very little faith in 
 any of them. It is pretty clear that the Father of Fibs has a 
 good deal to do with Union telegraph lines. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, June 10, 18G3. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 " Vicksburg hes caved in." " Bet a V it haint." " llebels 
 confess it." " Gas and gammon." Sure's you liv." " Whar 
 did the noose cum from ?' " Murphy's Burrow." " Sum small 
 potater blower, I spose." " Perticklers in the Richinound pa- 
 pers." "That be gaul-darned, now! shet up." "They hed to 
 kullaps. Offsir's critters all gon, hides and all. Dogs gin out 
 Monday week; finisht the last o' the cats Wensday follerin. 
 Hed to srender or perish in the attemp. Consekently did sren-
 
 294 WAR L E T T E B S OF 
 
 der." "Who ses so?" " Respectabul lady from Shelby ville 
 reports that the rebels acknolledge the corn, and ' a purson' sor 
 it in the rebel jernils." "Stockjobbin lie!" "Cork up, you 
 copperhead cuss !" " Here's the extree RepuMcken I Capter o' 
 Vicksburg !" " Hurrah ! three cheers for Grant." 
 
 Setch is about an averidge sample of the bar rum gabble in 
 Washington this mornin, and Imc afeard the dispatch from 
 Murphy's Burrow is of the same nater all bolderdash. We've 
 heel bushels of idol stories from that pint, and Ide be eenarnost 
 willin to go baal that this is epochryfull like all the rest. Vicks- 
 burg is compleatly infested, and is shoor to be ourn sunner or 
 later but line inklined to think it will be later, and that the 
 gratifyin inforrnashin receved from " a lady" and "a purson" is 
 primatoor. 
 
 Howsevcr, thars a report in town of a cavalry shindy nearder 
 hum, witch must be troo, bekase the wownded is arrivin at 
 Alexandry, witch is a kinder bulletin that speaks for itself. It 
 seems that the rebel Ginral Stuart meditated a rush inter Merry- 
 land, and hed musterd his collurnes of a salt in the neyborhood 
 of Cullpepper, hopin to cross the Potomac afore we could ketch 
 up with him. It was a spicy projeck, but Hooker put his finger 
 in the dish and spylt it. Yestday, Ginral Plesenton pitcht inter 
 Stuart with cavalry, infantry, and artillery, on the Rappernam- 
 rnock, sumwhars near Sulfur Springs, and wun of the wownded 
 
 ses we gin him , while uthers allow he gin us an ekwilly 
 
 warm resepshin. The Constitooshinal Adviser at the head oi 
 the War Department nose all about it, but he ses nuthin, and as 
 he is ushilly reddy enuif to shoot with a long bow when thars 
 the slitest ground to go upon, menny considders his silence 
 aquiverlent to a defeet. I hope its not so this time, tho when I 
 axecl him for the latest awethentick inforinashin, he sirveyed rne 
 contempshusly over the rims of his spectickles, and sed he hed 
 too mutch foursight to entrust importent facks to rnussenary 
 skribblers. Onwillin to take offence whar, prehaps, nun was 
 intended, I shuck him corjally by the hand, and remarkin in a 
 frenelly way that he was a " bully boy with a glass eye", or, e* 
 he preferd the frays, " a big thing in perryfocals", I started for 
 the Navy Department, to pump the truth outer Welles. But 
 accordin to that distingwisht marriner's invariabul custom, he 
 knew nuthin. He heddent even heerd that the Alabammer hed 
 taken four more ships, and that Captin Seinmes hed rekwestecl 
 the skippers to giv his complements to the Honabul Rip Van 
 Winkel, at Washington. Thinkin to please and flatter the
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEB. 295 
 
 venabul man by a naughtical illushin, I inkwired cf he was 
 fond of boxin the windlass ; to witch he replide, " very mutch 
 so," and that when a boy nuthin sooted him better than to put 
 his capstan-bar inter the binnacle and help to heave the anker. 
 As I was levin, he told me confidenshally that he eggspected to 
 diskivcr the longtitood in a day or two. I persoom he rnent the 
 longtitood of the Alabammer, but I gcss she's hed too mutch 
 latitood gin her to render setch an explite possabul. 
 
 Senst the foregoin parrygraft was endited, I hed a short corn- 
 ference with the head of the iiashin. He sed he hed a dispatch 
 of the utmost moment from Vicksburg, witch led him to bleve 
 that sumthin sirprisin (lie laid an emfasis on the wurd sirprisin) 
 mought happin at enny minit ; and that he was lookin for it 
 from hour to hour. I vcnterd to inteiTor^ o him as to the com- 
 pleckshin of the noose he andizzypated, upon witch he gin me a 
 playful poke in the rebs, and anserd that we would probly " lick 
 the enemee as ushil". I sed, " May it please your Eggsllency, 
 thats nuther here nor thar ; kant you be more definit ?" 
 
 " Wots the kweeiy ?" he responded. 
 
 " Is the Mollycoff of the Mussysippy doomed ?" I asked. 
 
 " Thats accordin as it falls," he replide. 
 
 At this pint he shet down onto me, and I could git no further 
 satisfackshin on the subjeck. About the affair atwixt Plesenton 
 and Stuart he was more commoonicativ. He showed me sum 
 dispatches he hed jest receved, and, on readin ein, I sed, " Its a 
 brilyant victry on our side ef these ackounts air troo, and they 
 may be air." 
 
 " May be air," he sithed, repeatin my wurds like an eccho. I 
 dunno as he ment ennything, tho he hes ben deseved so offen 
 that I shouldent wunder ef he intended it as a joak wun of his 
 solem 'uus. 
 
 But Ime oney wastin time, and forgettin that afore this meets 
 the publick gays the Nell of Vicksburg may hev ben rung and 
 the Rapperhammock clard of the inslent fo. So be it ; for ef 
 we dont make amens for lost time purty sun, evrybody'll begin 
 to think the Union's past prayin for. 
 
 It peers from the tellagrains and cetery from Louseanna and 
 South Caroliny that our cullerd brethrin in arms is makin a 
 purty strong fight out thar. No dout they go inter the conflick 
 with thar feelins strung up to the hyst pitch, bein well awar that 
 ef oapterd they will swing from the neardest trees, in cunformity 
 with a neckspress order to that effeck Irom Jeff Davis. But ita 
 nuthin to us wot promps thar deeds of curridge, s'long as they
 
 296 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 go in like bull-dogs. Black worriers ansers the porpus jest as 
 well as white ; in fack, thar was wunst a black prence of Wales 
 us gin the French and Germans a most onlorful whalin. So, 
 honor to the cullerd brave ! Render onto Sezer the things that 
 air Sezer's, and to Pomp the things witch air Pomp's. 
 
 Airnestly hopin that the same MERKART as contains this letter 
 will set all douts about Vicksbug at rest, by announcin that all 
 its re-douts is in our perseshin, I remane, accordin to custom, 
 Tours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. CV. 
 
 [Reader, if you don't shake your sides over the following letter, 
 it will be because the organ of humor has been omitted in your 
 os frontis. A larger amount of quiet fun quiet, but provoca- 
 tive, nevertheless, of risible spasms could scarcely be con- 
 densed into the same compass. The prospect of a row always 
 seems- to put the Disbanded on his mettle. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, June 18, 18G3. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 We air prepariii for a combat. Ginral Hindshellman cum- 
 mancls the milentary, and Ginral Panic the civillains. Ginral 
 Abraham Lincoln commands hisself (witch is more'n ken be sed 
 of evryboddy here), and tharfore oughter cummand univarsal 
 sport and simperthy. He is a trump, and ekwill to the crysis. 
 So am I. I dont think Halleck is. Nor Stanton. Hooker may 
 or he may not. Time will tell. What time I cant say ; but 
 probly sum time atween this and Saterday night. We air on 
 the eve of great events, and shell be evry evenin ontil further 
 notis. Our defenses in frunt is bein made stronger by wurkin 
 parties of corntrabans. But we are weak in the rare, and thar, 
 sum thinks, the rebels will endevor to plug us. Nuthin ken 
 eggseed the eggsightment of our kullerd brethren. You ken 
 see it in the whites of thar eyes and thar ginral derneancr. 
 Evry contraban is wedded to the Union caws, and will die in 
 the last ditch ef Washington falls. So will myself and Mr. 
 Lincoln. We swore it in his sankturn to-day, with our hands 
 on his adrnirabul treaties on arbitary arrests, witch hes ben 
 printed in paniflit form and is as troo as Gospel. Thar is a
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 297 
 
 ditch near Bladensbnrg that will jest fit us. It is seven foot long 
 by eight inches acrost, and as purty a bed of glory as ever you 
 seen. Stanton kant cum in it isent wide enuff. In this emer- 
 giiisea the President feels whoos his frend. We will sink or 
 swim together. Ef ennything happens, speak of us as we 
 desarve. Nuthin exterminate nor set down in mallis. Say 
 Orestus sleeps with his Pieladies ; Demon with his Pithyass. 
 And so no more ! These is my last instruckshins ef Washing- 
 ton falls. We will never be capterd alive. Ef it comes to that 
 we shall fall on our swoords. I hed a very hansum silver- 
 handeld wnn presented to me at Harrassin Landin, with a neat 
 speetch, by the Duck de Chatters. The President Will use it 
 first, on ackount of pryority of rank, and I shell compleat the 
 sacrifiz. But Washington wont fall. It will see Ginral Lee 
 darned first. Ef I was an enshoorance kumpany Ide enshoor it 
 for sevral per cent, onder the extree hazardus premium. We 
 aur fortifyin Rock Crick, and air about to cut a canawl throo 
 Gorgetown Heights, in order to unite it with the Potomac and 
 bring the gunboats round inter the slashes. Slygo Crick and 
 the Norwest, two streams remarbal for catfish and lampree 
 eels (of witch Ginral Longstreet is sed to be be very fond), is 
 also bein put in a good state of defens, and the broomsedge on 
 the plantashins in Prence Georges bounty io to be lined with 
 sharpshooters. The Tiber is also to be dug out to the dept of 
 thirty fathums, so as to allow ships of the line to lie at anchor 
 there and purteck the market. Finerly both wings of the capi- 
 tol is to be pearst for flyin artillery, and a Dollgrin fifteen-inch 
 smooth-bore, mounted on the top of the central doom. In short, 
 nuthin will be left undun to render the city impregnant, and the 
 women will all be sent to a place of saifty as a precawshin agin 
 the wurst. It takes considabul time to tell all this, but it will be 
 accomplish! by our accomplisht milentary orthorities in less'n 
 six weeks. 
 
 In the meantime tellagraft despatches of the most alarrnin 
 carrickter is cummin in insessantly from all pints of the cuin- 
 piss at wunst. From these we larn that Ginral Lee bein detar- 
 mined to go the hull hog in the way of invashin, is en root with 
 a hunderd and fifty thousand men for Philadelfy also that he is 
 makin forced marches for Western Virginny futhermore, that he 
 is makin for Manasses and Bull Ran. He peers to be ubequitus, 
 and his plan is sposed to be to pitch inter us with the same 
 troops from all kwarters at the same moment. He is a wunder- 
 full man, is this Lee a kinder " little joker" on a grand skale, 
 13*
 
 and noboddy ken tell cept hisself and Bellsbub onder witch 
 thimble he will turn up. All that we ken say with sartainty is 
 that he's surnwhars, and that ef " Fightin Joe" and the rest of 
 em is wuth shucks he'll all-thunderin sun be nowhars. 
 
 The present warabouts of the Nashins Hope, Ginral Hooker, 
 I am forbidden to disclose. He is not on the Rapperhammock, 
 but I trust I vilate no confidens in sayin that he's on the Alert. 
 "We larn here to-day that Ginral George B. Maclellin hes left 
 New York for Albany, witch is encurredgin. When Ginral G. 
 B. M. changes his base, sumthins shoor to happen. It did, 
 you know, when he changed his base from the White House. 
 Sum thinks he eggspects to change his base to the White House 
 wun of these days. Mebbe ! In the interim he is waitin on 
 Providence. Let him wait. If ever thar was a hero as knowed 
 how to wait, he doos. Whenever he was ordered to advance at 
 dubbel-kwick, he allus waited for the waggins. Wunst he 
 waited three weeks. Ef he was a waiter at a hottel, thar 
 wouldent be much hurryin up the cakes at that shop, I gess. 
 
 I dont pretend to know all the secrets of Abrahams buzzum ; 
 but I will say this for our grayshus cheef he keeps a stiff upper 
 lip. Not a har in his whiskers kwivers, and his pulse (I made 
 an eggscuse to feel it yestday) beats precisely sixty-eight and a 
 hafe in a rninit, railrode time. His brow is onruffled, his temper 
 even. Ef he hes eniiy new rinkels they air in his capayshus 
 mind. I looked him strait in the eye this mornin, and he axed 
 me, in his ushil' commick way, ef I obsarved ennything green 
 thar. I dident. On the contrary, it was full of fire. He thinks 
 a good deal of Stanton bout as much as I do. Ditto of Hal- 
 leek. Welles the same. He's very kind to me Heaven bless 
 him. He ses I may say wot I like of him and his'n. By " his'n" 
 he means^the Constitooshinal Advisers. Ime not to be subjeck to 
 arbitary arrests nor sent to Fort Laugheryet, nor made a present 
 to Jeff Davis, nor utherwised snubbed nor disannulled. I carry 
 a mennyrandum to that effeck in my watch-pocket, anuther of 
 similider tenner pasted to the crown of my hat, and a third oi 
 a like nater sowed to the back of my shirt, all signed " A. L. 
 Respect this." Consekently I am pursenally garanteed " free- 
 dom of speetch and of the Press". Would you like to hev a 
 dockyment or two of the same carrickter? Ef you would, jest 
 say so, and lie get his His Eggsellency to scratch em oil' and 
 send em on. They air useful in these Villaindighaminering times. 
 
 All that Ive told you in this letter about army moovenients 
 will, of coarse, be stale news by the time it reeches you, as a
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 209 
 
 great battle may hev ben fit afore then. It is important to know 
 "the situashin" prevus to the impendin shindy. As to "our 
 situashin" arter it, enny thick-hedded tellagraft operator ken 
 tell you that. 
 
 Firm hi hart, and devoted to Honest Abraham, Our Common 
 If entry and the SUNDAY MERKARY, I remain, ondismayed, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEEE. 
 
 No. CVI. 
 
 [The following letter appears to us to lack in some degree tho 
 perspicuity and precision which usually characterize the com- 
 munications of the Disbanded ; but it must be remembered that 
 it was penned in the midst of a chaos of reports, and rumors, 
 and surmises, well calculated to reduce the strongest mind to a 
 state of hopeless imbecility. It will be seen that our corre- 
 spondent is prevented, by a commendable regard for his word 
 and for his country's cause, from telling all he knows. In this 
 respect he differs from most Washington letter-writers, who 
 make it a rule to tell more than they know, and whose sins of 
 commission, omission, and addition, accumulate without inter- 
 mission. Where they expect to go to when they die, it is not for 
 us to say. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, June 24, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerJcary : 
 
 Lee and Ewill hes ben spotted at last; but they may hev 
 changed thar spots afore this reeches you, for they cumbine the 
 eelasstisity of the flee with the suttelty of the sarpint. At 
 present they air in the Shunadoor Valley smokin thar pipes in 
 cumparative kwiet. They thretten to make Washington smoke 
 shortly, but a relieble contraban who hes jest cum in from Fort 
 Tobacco ses this is a meer sham. Hill is also in the Valley, and 
 sed to be very much deprest. Lee on the other hand is reported 
 jolly, and boasts that he lies got the wether gage of Hooker. 
 Time will toll wether he hes or no. 
 
 Our cavilry is doin things up brown. The rebel dragons air 
 evrywhar tiyiu afore em, and Stuart's posishin will sun be far 
 from a plesant ; un. Buford hes gin the rebels at Snigger's Gap 
 caws for sorrer, Grigg hes druv the mane body of thar hoss mer-
 
 300 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 rily afore him more'n ten milcls, and anuthcr strong detachment 
 of Secesh cavilry hes ben out-rnanoverd in a forridgin eggspe- 
 dishin, by a rnoovement of Stall's. Ef our men was oney as 
 well mounted as the enemee, they could ride over em ruff-shod ; 
 but one-hafe of the bosses furnisht by the Guverrnent corn- 
 tractors look as ef they bed jest cum outer veteranarius hors- 
 pitals, and is as weak in the knees as a peace-preachin Unionist. 
 
 Hafe an hour hes elapst senst I writ the abuv, and the tella- 
 graft hes developt a new fetor in the enemees plans, witch 
 entirely changes the face of affares. Ginral Skunk announces 
 that insted of Ginral Ewill bein in the Shunadoor Valley, he hes 
 crost the Potomac at the heel of forty thousand men, and " gob- 
 bled " our forces in the neybrood of Auntyeatern. Thars a slite 
 oder of eggsagerashin about Skunk's report, but it may be troo. 
 Wot givs it an air of orthentissity, is the deshartnin statement 
 that the enemee is hard at work bildin bridges over the canawl. 
 This seems so nateral that everyboddy here is inklined to 
 credit the story. We all know that nuthin forms setch an em- 
 pediment to the proggress of an army as a canawl. Ef it hed 
 ben a river now, like the Potomac, it would hev ben diffrent ; 
 but a canawl is always locked, and it is probabul that our sojers, 
 when they saw the horsteal fo approachin, immediently hid away 
 the key to the persishin. It was a thortful act of theirn, and 
 cackelated to do good, as Sinsinnatus remarkt when he was told 
 that a passel of geese hed yawped till they alarmed the Capital. 
 The ragin abiss will be crost I spose afore this reeches you, and 
 ef so I tremble for Penusylvany and Xew Jarsey. Men capabul 
 of bridgin a canawl wont hesitate, I reckon, to wade the Susque- 
 hannah and Delawar. 
 
 But it's useless to speckilate when new convickshins flash on 
 the bewilderd mind evry moment. The wires is eenamost red 
 hot with contradickshins, and whether the rebel army is in the 
 State of Pennsilvany or not, it is kwite sartain that evrybody 
 here is in a state of muddle. Howscver, things will clar up 
 mebbe, by the eend of the week, and prehaps wot is confushin 
 wus confounded now, may be made perspickuous to the meanest 
 intelleck in the next SUNDAY MERKARY. 
 
 Hooker was here on Tuesday, and hed a long privit conversa- 
 shin with the President. By the kind permishin of the Father 
 of his Kentry who will please accept my thanks for the favor, 
 throo your widely serkilated collurnes I sot behind a skreen in 
 the sanktum and took notes. I send you the dialog jest as it 
 occurd, 'cept whar his Eggsellency droo his pen throo a passidge
 
 A DISBANDED VOLTJNTEEB. 301 
 
 or two that he thort calkclated to giv aid and cumfort to the 
 Copperheds and Jeffites. 
 
 A. L. Well, Hooker, how's the Army of the Potomac? 
 They've hed a long march. How's thar poor feet ?" 
 
 J. H. Blistered sum ; and a few is sufl'erin from coop de solc- 
 lieaL 
 
 A. L. (kindly). That's bad. Shell I tell Stanton to send on a 
 few thousand gross of silk umbrellers ? 
 
 J. H. No, thank you. We may be hot-headed, but we don't 
 reckwire parrysoles. 
 
 A. L. No offence, my brave friend. Hevin the welfare of 
 the army at hart, its oney nateral, you know, that I should wish 
 it to keep shady. 
 
 J. H. Keep shady ! We've ben keepin shady too long. We 
 want to go right out inter the open, and pitch inter th9 enemee 
 wharevcr we ken find em. 
 
 A. L. Bat Washington must be defended, Hooker. Stanton 
 ses so, and Halleck, and likewise Welles. How menny live meu 
 hev you, all tolled ? 
 
 J. H. thousand infantry, thousand cavalry, and 
 
 batteries. 
 
 A. L. My Constitooshinal Advisers allows we want em all, 
 and more too, to defend Washington agon the ruthless invaders. 
 
 J. Doos your Eggscllency spose you ken " ockapy and pos- 
 sess " the rebel strongholts, and carry out the Mancipayshin Act, 
 by fenclin off insted of goin in. 
 
 A. L. No, you thurrow-goin old fire-eater, I don't, and I con- 
 fess line in favor of vigrus meshurs myself, but Stauton and 
 Halleck. 
 
 J. H. Sir, you air Commander-in-Chief. You ken cut the 
 tether that keeps the finest army on the planet flutterin around 
 the capital like a hen tied to a chicken-coop. Jest you pass the 
 word to foller up the fo, and we'll giv Lee sumthin else to think 
 of besides threttenin Bawltoinore and Washington. 
 
 A. L. You're right I feel you're right. 
 
 D. V. (peepin over the skreen in oncontrollabul emoshin). He 
 is, Abraham! He is! Foller the instinks of your own lofty 
 intelleck, and let the Constitooshinal Advisers go whar glory 
 awaits em. 
 
 A. L. (with mayjestick gravity). Major-Ginral Hooker, receive 
 from me your instruckshins. You will start immediently for the 
 Head Kwarters of the Army of the Potomac, and on arrivin 
 thar you will, et cetery, et cetery, et cetery, et cetery.
 
 302 WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 [The foregoin et ceteries represents milentary direckshins of 
 the hyst importance, skratched out by the President for resins of 
 state. Thar tenner will be obvius to all mankind atween this 
 and the Fourth. In the meantime, public opinyun is reckwested 
 to suspend itself.] 
 
 J. H. (foldin up the instruckshins and puttin em in his hat). 
 Thanks, Mr. President thanks. Depend upon old Joe 
 Hooker. 
 
 A. L. (dryly). Sum of my frends ses Ime a good deal given to 
 dependin on Old Joes, Ginral (a larf from behind the skreen), 
 and that puts me in mind of a story about Jo King of Springfield. 
 You see 
 
 J. H. Eggscuse me, Mr. President. Ide be delighted to hear 
 the little narrytiv, but you know my motto Bizness afore 
 pleshure. Adoo ! Adoo ! 
 
 And so the intervew eended. 
 
 Let the public keep its eyes skinned. Within ten days thar'll 
 be the most tremenjus but no, my lips is sealed, and I ken 
 oney say, look out for hard whacks shortly. Hopin that 
 Hooker'll giv the rebel airthquakes, and confidently awaitin the 
 concussion, I remain, for self and Abraham, 
 Yours, allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER 
 
 No. OVIL 
 
 [We feel that we are only putting into words the heartfelt prayer 
 of every reader of the SUNDAY MERCURY, when we say, solemnly 
 and sincerely, " May our friend, the Disbanded, return in safety 
 from the expedition to which he refers in the following letter. 
 Amen ! and Amen !" If, however, the Fates should order it other- 
 wise, it will afford us great satisfaction to comply with his wishes 
 in regard to post mortem matters. EDS.] 
 
 WASHINGTON, Tuesday Noon, June 30, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday MerUary : 
 
 1 rite airly this week, bekase I am goin out on a reckanuisance 
 (desguysed as a rebel to that degree that my own hoss wont 
 no me), and shell not be back from the frunt for sum days. My 
 misshin is strickly privit, and, by rekwest of the President, I 
 oinit to state whar Ime bound, as he thinks it mought cumprom-
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 803 
 
 mis the saifty of his dearest and brayvest frend. I may state, 
 howsever, without vialatin instruckshins, that, in the wurds of 
 Duglas in the play, it is my objeck to " huvver about the ene- 
 mee". Ef tuck up as a spy, I shell probly be hung ; ef not, I 
 hop to elevate myself in the estimashin of my kentrymen. I 
 shell start in wun hour from the abuv date, and ef suckcessful, 
 will send you the minnits "of my eggspedishin as sun as I return. 
 I am allreddy a raid in desguys, and will giv you sum idee of 
 my secesh rig, witch I prechest seckind-handed of a poor white 
 trash that was brort in prisner this mornin. A more seckind- 
 handed soot hes seldum ben seen in civileyesd sosity. It con- 
 sests of a butter-nut coat cut down to a jacket by the thorn-bushes 
 in the slashes, and a pair of breaches to match ; the hull bein 
 satterated with all the juce that the oner hed in him when he 
 listed in the rebel sarvis. Also a slap-jack hat, witch hes the 
 aperience and the aroamer currysponds of hevin ben soked 
 in castor-ile for a cupple of years or so. Likewise a pair of ven- 
 tilatin boots, the soles of witch is tide to the uppers with rope- 
 yam legaments at the toes, and in setch a wownded condishin 
 at the opposit eends as to be past healin. In this elegant cos- 
 toom, with my pistils stuck in a belt, considder myself " the 
 yaller flower of the forrest." My idee is to be mistuck for a se- 
 cesh gorilla, on his way to Pennsylvany to plunder the Nuthern 
 slop shops. It seems to me that in setch duds as these the rebel 
 offsirs will never mistrust that line not wun of thar own vermin. 
 The oridginal oner of the wardrub is a well nit man, about my 
 own bild. He hails from Louseanna, and I shell try to imitate 
 his dirty and sluveuly asspeck, and ef kwestined, shell swar that 
 I was born_and brort up in that state. I dessay you will think 
 it rayther a pokerish bizness Ime goin on, but Ive saved my har 
 in menny a wuss skrape. Ef Washington, Bawltomore, and 
 Philadelphy falls inter the hands of the Cornfedrits while Ime 
 on the skout, I intend to make my way to New York by way of 
 Vicksburg. By that time the Mollycoff of the Mussysippi will 
 be ourn, and I ken bring Grant and his army along, so as to take 
 Lee on his west flank, and turn the tide of victry in faver of the 
 Army of the Potomac, and the lively, enterprisin, prompt, and 
 paytryotic citysins of the Keystone State. 
 
 The President, tho sumwot cast down, is in faver of a firm 
 stand at the Seat of Guvernient. The Slashes is to be fortyfide, 
 and the cavalry stashind as look-outs on Georgetown Heights ; 
 men on hossback bein abel to see further than a-foot, and high 
 pints of land bein particklerly faverabul lor the moovements of
 
 304 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 redgements of boss. (See " Camppains of the Duck of Marlbur- 
 row", and uther wurks.) Sharpshooters with Minie rifuls are to 
 be posted in the poplars of Pennsylvany avenoo, in the manner 
 reckommencled by Joe Minie and uther poplar milentary riters. 
 Stanton will take charge of these matters, assisted by Halleck. 
 Nether of em is as mutch skairt as they mought be. Welles lies 
 ben rekwirecl by the President to furnish a force from the Navy 
 Department, and lies sent a inessidge to the Mareens. The 
 Father of his Kentry is attendin to the deepenin of Tiber Crick, 
 so as to bring up the gunboat flowtiller, but he ses the mud is so 
 thick that it is difficult to run the masheen. The canawl throo 
 the Heights, witch I spoke of in my last, is not yet cumpleated, 
 but as sun as it is the cavalry in that rejin will be re-enforst with 
 friggits and ships-of-the-line. Stanton calls for volunteers, and 
 Chase is on hand with the sinners of war. Seward doosent say 
 mutch, but is presoomed to be prepard for the onrepressabul con- 
 flick, and Blare is reddy to cum forth when the trumpit sounds. 
 In short, all the Constitooshinal Advisers is in a state of egg- 
 sightment, witch, if not sublime, is within a step of it. 
 
 The Adamantine Abraham is as cool and capabul as ever I 
 seen him. No catastrofy ken shake him enny rnore'n you could 
 shake Mount Airyrat. He feels a little ankshus about New York 
 tho, and thinks it mought be well to hev a Monitor or two in 
 Spitendevil Crick. 
 
 " D. V.," ses he to me this mornin, " the Commershil Empo- 
 rium must be defended to the last gasp." 
 
 Ses I, " Troo, your Eggsellency ; and when the New Yorkers 
 see it must, they will hninediently muster." 
 
 He was satisfide. But he is onesy, tho he desdains to sho it, 
 about Philadelphy. I told him New York would rush to the 
 reskew of her sister city when the crysis came. He replide that 
 he sposed so, and added, with his customery beamin smild, 
 that it was differcult for a city to stand firm when thar was so 
 menny Quakers in it. 
 
 The modern Patter Pottery and myself both thinks that the 
 fate of the kentry will be setteld within three weeks or a munth 
 at furdest. 
 
 It that time it will ether be up with us or down with the rebels. 
 Ef the men of the North air men, and ef the Army of the Poto- 
 mac, or rayther its offsirs, is wurth shucks, Lee and his murmur- 
 duns is gonners. His invashin is the act of a madman, and 
 onless our Ginrals is downright idyots, his doom is sealt. 
 
 But it is now wun o'clock, post meriden, and I must mount
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 805 
 
 and away. Ef I am sezed and eggsecuted as a spy, send for my 
 boddy it ken be of no use to ennyboddy in Jeffland and berry 
 me desently in sum kwict spot oninfested by Copperhecls. Dont 
 inter me, liowsever, in these butternut rags ; for I should prefer 
 to hev a desent coat put on me afore my Hie, Jacket is ritten. 
 Lay my swoord by my side, ef the rebs dont steel it, and put a 
 slab over it, with a neat inscripshin. I dont want enny flurrish 
 about the monnyment a plain stun, not a stunner. 
 
 I oney menshin these things in case of the wurst. "When a 
 man dies, setch little attenshins is agreeabul. But I persoom 
 thars no pertickler danger. 
 
 Wishin you a merry Forth of July, and myself and kentry 
 menny happy returns of the day, I remane, as ushil, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 POSTSKRIP. I menshint in the boddy of my letter that I wisht 
 a neat inskripshin on my supplecur, ef suckemstances over 
 witch I hev no control should hasten my latter eend. Ef you 
 approove, I would like the epitaff to read as fellers : 
 
 Here lies the Disbanded Volunteer ; 
 Died for his kentry in the year 
 Eighteen huuderd and sixty-three 
 A man of the swoord and pen was he. 
 Tho moddest, polisht, well-lamt, and brave, 
 He was took by the rebels, and hed to cave. 
 
 No. CVIH. 
 
 [After rendering unknown services to the country, and escap- 
 ing unheard-of perils during his late expedition, our patriotic 
 correspondent has returned to Washington, and is once more 
 giving aid and comfort to Mr. Lincoln by his advice and coun- 
 sel. The Cabinet, it seems, were anything but pleased at his> 
 reappearance. His confidential relations with the President 
 have rendered him particularly obnoxious to the heads of the 
 War and Navy Departments. EDS.] 
 
 NATSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, July 9, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday HerTcary : 
 
 When I rit last, on the thirtet ult., I was bound on a mishin, 
 the ultunit result of witch was onsartain. I was about to resk
 
 SOS WAR LETTERS OP 
 
 my neck on a neckscurshin of a neckstree hazardus nater. It 
 will giv you pleshur to larn that it was a cumpleat suckcess. I 
 past throo the rebel lines, got all the noose I wanted, and, in 
 fack, hed my full swing amung em without bein hauled up, or 
 even suspishend. My dirty ragged soot, and a peace of an old 
 wig, daubed with red oker, witch I pertended to hev scalpt off a 
 mudsill's coconut, inspired confidens, and I was evrywhars 
 wellcombed by the rebs as a frend and cumraid. As I purfest to 
 hev privit and speshil informashin as to the moovements of the 
 Army of the Potomac, I was took afore Ginral Lee, and hed the 
 pleshur of leadin him off on the false cent witch subsekwently 
 enabled Ginral Meade to put him throo the mill. The same 
 night I made my eskape to Ginral Meade's hed-kwarters, and 
 posted him up as to the persishin of the enemee ; arter witch I 
 started for Washington, by way of Philadelphy, and arrove here 
 sirnultanus with the intelligens that Lee was demoralised and 
 Pemberton demolisht. Immediently on my arrival I shed my 
 Secesh habillyments, made my ablueshins, put on a clean shirt, 
 and reported at the White House. The President receved me 
 with mutch feline. When I enterd the sanktuin, he opend his 
 arms, and the next moment I was in Abraham's buzzum. " All- 
 beat unused to the meltin mood", as the More of Venus ses, I 
 thort I should hev catterpillerd. Ime conshus that we both 
 behaved like loonaticks, but thar air moments when the ernoshins 
 of the human sole sets eteket at defiance. In the midst of the 
 tutchin seen, a messindger tapt at the door to say that the Cab- 
 net was waitin for Abraham in the East Room. 
 
 " Tell the Cabnet they may go to work, and He be thar pres- 
 ently," sed he, modifyin his first idee as he finisht the sentence. 
 Then turnin to me, he added, with a grayshus srnild : 
 
 " A frend reckognised by the hart takes preseedence of advis- 
 ers appintecl onder the ConstitooshSn." 
 
 " Yes," ses I, " solid meat first, and then bring in the flum- 
 mery." 
 
 We then sot down for a few minitsto enjye a feast of resin, 
 and, to mysten it, he brort out the Mungoheeler and a gobblet, for 
 my accommydashin. I say for my accommydashin, bckase the 
 President, bein strick temprance, drinkt to me oney with his eyes. 
 
 " How's the Potomac?" ses I, porin out a dram. 
 
 " Brim-full, and runnin over," he replide. 
 
 " Let her run !" 1 eggsclamed, takin a long swaller ; " the 
 harder she runs, the longer Lee '11 hev to stop on tuther side. 
 Here's to the freshit," ses I, imbibin agin.
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 307 
 
 " Ditto," replide his eggsellency, larfin, " and may thar be no 
 a-bridge-ment of the current for the next forty-eight hours." 
 
 " Is thar nary ford that '11 afford him a chanst to cross ?" I 
 . axed. 
 
 " Nary not ef evry traytor was as tall as I am," he responded, 
 stretchin his lofty figger to its full altitood. 
 
 " Ef thats the case," ses I, " they '11 be gobbled, and we shant 
 need anuther draft. Here's may we git along without wun !" I 
 added, wunst more wettin my wissel. 
 
 " Amen !" cried the Father of his Kentry. " Ef the Suthern- 
 ers will oney lay down thar arms and smoak the pipe of peace, 
 we '11 light it with the Cornskripshin act, berry the hatchit, and 
 giv all the provost-marshals births in the custom-house." 
 
 At this junkter thar was anuther nock at the sanktum door, 
 and the messiudger aunounst that the Constitooshinal Advisers 
 was gittin the fidgits. 
 
 " Bind my wedge !" sed the President, " Ide forgot all about 
 em. Hedn't you, D. V. ? Split my mall ! Wot do they want ?" 
 
 The page as brort the messidge sed he onderstood the honabul 
 gentlemen wisht to hold a consultashin with his Eggsellency the 
 President on the affairs of the nayshin. 
 
 "I'd a nayshin rayther they'd let me pole the boat alone," 
 remarkt the illustrus cheef. " Howsever we air born to trubble, 
 as the sparks fly uppards, so tell em to curn in and fire away." 
 
 In a few minnits arterwards they enterd the sanktum in single 
 file Seward the Sentenshus at the head of the percesshin, and 
 Welles the Witless at the tail eend. They mooved with mesh- 
 erd steps, as ef marchin to the music of the Union, and thar 
 toot in shamble was imposin. A Cabnet, takin it by and large, 
 is an imposin specktickle, and this pqliarly so, and allus hes 
 ben. The Honabul Seckatry of State, as your readers are awar, 
 is a small man ; but like most diininutiv individyals is fond of 
 makin hisself conspickuous and bein cock of the walk, and hens 
 he led the van. Welles at the opposit eend, looked remarkably 
 picteresk, with a baird like a mounting goat and a crest like a 
 cockytoo. Halleck had the aperience of a gentman as felt his 
 oats tryin to look mocldest onder the pressher of grate victories, 
 and Seckatry Stanton, the wether bein warm and muggy, looked 
 like bellygerent Mars in a perfuse prespirashin. The Seckatry 
 ot the Interior was cool and kwiet, and Chase, as ushil, cam, 
 dignified, and self-possesst. Blare wouldn't be took by common 
 white folks for a Cabnet Minister; but sum of our men of letters 
 consider him. well fitted for the post. I spose you no he's the
 
 808 WAR LETTERS OF 
 
 ortliur of a work called Blare's Retoric, of witch he gives illus- 
 trashins ockashinally at Auuty-Slavery meetins. But why should 
 I dwell on the asspecks and carrickters of these distingwisht 
 men. Thar fotagrufi's air in evry winder, and thar prented 
 dockinents and speetches are the best evidences of thar say- 
 gasity. 
 
 As this enlitened boddy filed in, they (with the eggsepshin of 
 the Treshury and the Interior) regairded ine with a witherin 
 skowl of hatred and contemp. Bat it dident wither me. Taint 
 my natur to wilt onder the human eye. I stilfent up my optickle 
 narves, and gin em as good as they sent, e not more so. But 
 I seen they wanted me outer the way, so I shuck hands with the 
 President and left. What happent at the intervew I dont know, 
 as I hev not seen the Nayshm's Hope senst ; but I persoom they 
 bullyragged him considabul. 
 
 The city is full of sensashin rummers to-day. Sum ses that 
 with the onpassabul Potomac River on one side, and the invin- 
 cibul Potomac Army on the uther, Lee will not resk anuther 
 battle, but like a prudent man, give in and cry pigavi. I don't 
 think so ; but as all speckelashin on the subjeck will be at an 
 eend afore this letter is prented, I shant go inter the whys and 
 warfores of the matter. In the meantime, confidently awaitin 
 the final victory, I remain, plassidly, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. CIX. 
 
 [The solicitude of our indefatigable correspondent for the 
 peace and quiet of New York appears to have monopolized his 
 entire attention ; but, like a good many other equally distin- 
 guished people at Washington, he does not appear to realize the 
 true state of the case. The resistance to conscription in this city 
 did not originate through sympathy with the Southern Rebel- 
 lion, but because of the exercise of a despotic power to 
 which our people were unused. If D. V. will convince his dis- 
 tinguished friend, Abraham L., that conscription at the present 
 time is injudicious, unwise, and unnecessary, as it is, he will b, 
 doing the country as much service as did Gen. Grant in the cap- 
 ture of Vicksburg. EDS.]
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 809 
 
 NAYSHINAIJ HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, July 15, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Suimkiy Merlcary : 
 
 Hes New York sold itself to the Devil, and lies pay-day cum 
 round, or wot ? Spose the cornskripshin Lor was obnockshus, 
 is that enny resin for seens that would disgrace the See3 7 ou 
 Injuns. The Cornskripshin Act is no faverite of mine, as you 
 and the readers of the Sunday Merkary is well awar, but 
 is encinderism. robbery, and uther crimes that cannybuls 
 would be ashamed of, a mannyfestashin of hosstility to the 
 Draft Lor. No, they air the acts of atroshus misscreants, 
 opposed to all lors of God and man, and the oney way to meet 
 em is with grape and canister, riful balls and bagnets. I hevent 
 a shadder of a dout that afore this letter is put in prent, the mob 
 in New York will hev reseved setch a lessin as will be a 
 warnin to all rioters for fifty years to cum. The ring-lead- 
 ers, I persoom, will be diskivered, and ef they air, I trust they 
 will get thar desarts. 
 
 It is the ginral opinyun here that the row was got up in the 
 hope of helpin the South by a divershin in its faver at the very 
 moment when the Union armies was evrywar victoryus. It lies 
 ben known for sum time by the Fedral orthorities that thar was 
 a sekrit conspurracy agen the Guverment in New York. It 
 was also known that rebel emiseries was at work thar, and that 
 ef Vicksburg was took, and Lee was whipt, thar was to be a 
 traiter outbrake in the North. This was Jeff Davises forlorn 
 hope the last kcard of the rebellyun. Well Vicksburg is ourn, 
 Port Hudson is ourn, Lee is licked; Bragg is floored, Jo Johns- 
 ton is flyin from the rath to cum, Price is discomforted, Charles- 
 tun is as good as gon, Mobile is spoken for, and the last keard of 
 Treason is played in New York. But the dern yer resort will 
 fail. In spite of the simperthisers the rebellyun is a goner. 
 Nearly two-thirds of Jeffdom is conkerd, and the rest is cavin 
 in. This infarnal riot may giv the rebel leaders a little encur- 
 ridgement, but it wont be of enny substanshil bennyfit. Let the 
 cornskripshin be gin up. We don't need it. We ken finish up 
 the biziness with the forces we hev now in the field, and free- 
 will recrutes. Four hunderd and fifty peaces of artillery and a 
 hunderd and fifty thousand stands of small arms hev fallen into 
 our hands within the last twenty days, and about one hunderd 
 thousand rebel sojers hes ben put horse de combat. Our land 
 forces outnumbers theirn, full two to wun, to say nuthin of the 
 Navy. 1 say we've got em. Salt won't save em. The last 
 ditch is closte at hand, and they won't die in it, depend on that.
 
 310 WAB LETTERS OF 
 
 Didn't Pemberton say he'd die sooner'n yield, and hesent lie 
 caved, and all his major-ginrals and brfgaclears with him. 
 Human nater's human nater. When Shiverally kant light enny 
 longer, it cries enufl' jest as kwick as enny uther man. Oney think 
 of it, we took four thousand ofFsirs " the best blud ot the South" 
 at Vicksburg, and another big batch of the high cockalorum 
 fellers of the " superur race" at Port Hudson. I tell you theyre 
 played out. I giv em credit for pluck and parseverance, but 
 they kant save tharselves. They'd hev gon onder long ago, ef 
 thar'd ben wun forth as mutch branes in the heds of our roolers 
 as thar was pluck in the harts of our sqjers. But better late 
 than never. 
 
 Ime sorry New York has disgraced itself jest in the hour of 
 triump ; but I am confident that afore this letter sees the light 
 lor and order will wunst more hev ben restored. 
 
 Lookin for that result as confidently as I do for Sunday 
 mornin's sun, I remain, with a curss for all anarkists, 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED VOLUNTEER. 
 
 No. CX. 
 
 [Our correspondent writes in a sanguine vein this week. We 
 trust his anticipations of a speedy peace and a reconstructed 
 Union will be realized ; but doubt that the object will be accom- 
 plished as speedily as he expects, though we agree with him 
 that the prospect is cheering. EDS.] 
 
 NAYSHINAL HOTTEL, WASHINGTON, July 23, 1863. 
 Eddyturs of the Sunday Merkary : 
 
 We air amazin jolly here. Halleck looks as ef he'd hed a 
 legasy left him, and the President ses he feels esier in his boots 
 evry time the tellagraft brings wurd that the rebels hes got 
 anuther weltin. You never seen a man fuller of fun than he is. 
 It breaks out spontanus in the midst of the gravest bizness, and 
 shakes the hull Cabnet, from Wellses top-not down to the saft 
 corns on Stanton's toes. He ses he doosent see why a man 
 should look as solem as an ondertaker bekase he happens to be 
 in the President's cheer. I gess he's right ; Bucannon, you no, 
 was an everlastin solem un, and see what he cum to. By the 
 way, whar's that book of his'n that Judge Black was to rite, to 
 put him throo with posteriority ?
 
 A D I S B A H D iC D V U I, U j U 1* K H . 311 
 
 Sartainly ef ever tliar was a time when the frends of E P 
 Unum hed a rite to rejice its now. He's mounted the Secesh ' 
 bird to sum porpus at last, and why shouldn't he flop his wings 
 and cro. 
 
 Charleston's goin to git goss this time, and no mistake. "Wag- 
 ner whips em, and that fort may possably be ourn afore you 
 receve this letter. When the Dollgrins begin to tork to Fort 
 Suinter, I rayther think the smildin villidge of Charlestun will 
 be apt to larf on the rong side of its mouth. I want that delite- 
 ful poplar institooshin leveled down as smooth as the back of 
 yer hand, and sum salt keerfeelly sowed over its ruins. 
 
 Lee hesent got back to Richmound yet, and accordin to the 
 Cabnet program he's to be "gobbled" this week. But I hevent 
 much faith in Cabnet programs hev you ? "When the Consti- 
 tooshinal advisers put thar hand to ennything, as a ginral thing 
 they put thar foot in it. Evryboddy knows that ef Richmound 
 hed ben in the Mussysippi Valley it would hev suckuinbedto our 
 arms long ago. Ef the War Department hedent aloud Meade a 
 cart blench in that last shindy I dessay he'd a ben knockt eend- 
 ways. Youve heerd wot old Jo Hooker sed, I spose. " The 
 Army of the Potomac," ses he, " fights the enemee two hours 
 outer the twenty-four and the rest of the time is spent in tella- 
 grafflc skirmishin with Washington." Thar never was a trooer 
 bit of sourchasm. 
 
 The Richmound papers is plesent readin about these days. 
 Epitaffs is cheerful in caparison. But wot I pertickerly admire 
 is the meet ax stile in which the Richmound Wig gets inter Jeff 
 Davises har. His speshil organ, it seems, goes in for givin Jeff, 
 a Digtatership, and argews that in the present desput strait of 
 the Suthern Cornfedracy, thars nuthen for it but desputism. 
 The Wig on the other hand, intimates in the pianist kinder lang- 
 widge, that it lies no confidens wotsumdever either in the hon- 
 esty or the abilities of the Suthern rooler, and respeckfully ob- 
 jecks to his bein an abesalute monnick. The North hes made 
 Lincoln wun, it ses, and it pertests agin heving setch a foo-foo as 
 Jeff Davis to play tyrant over the Shiverally. Its a very nice 
 quarl, but as the hull consam is on its last legs, its very foolish 
 in em to pitch inter wun anuther as they go to the devil. 
 
 I notis in the ackounts from Vicksburg that not a single nigger 
 prisner was found in the wurks. The inferens is that they was 
 all massacreed as sun as capterd, for its well known that a good 
 menny was took. Like thar speshil and partickler frends, the 
 New York mob, the rebel sojers murderd the onibrtnit critters
 
 313 WAB LETTEK8. 
 
 in cold blud. This is the Nineteent Sentry I bleve, and we 
 live in a Christian land. Sartain speshilly the Christian. Sum 
 Nuthem demagogs allows that this war of ourn is a war for the 
 elivashin of the Nigger. Ef it is, I ken oney say that I hope 
 Sambo likes it ; but ef I belonged to the black resarves of Shin- 
 bone Alley, I should resine immedient. This gettin no kwarter 
 ether in niilentary sarvice or in civil sosity is more eggsitin than 
 hulsum. 
 
 The Presedent and me has ben torkin over the ginral pros- 
 pecks of the camppain to-day, and we hev cum to the conclusion 
 that the beginnin of the eend is more than three parts throo. 
 Prehaps, when Mobile, Charlestun, Savannah and Richmound 
 lies hung out the white flag, we may be magnannymus, and offer 
 the messgided retches terms that they will jump at. The great 
 sturnblin-block is our woolly-bedded truth er. We've prornist 
 that he shell be forever free, but mebbe onder all the suckern- 
 stances he wouldn't mind postponyin the matter a wile and takin 
 his libty in periodical doses. Ennyhow there'd be no harm in 
 axin him, and ef he agreed it mought save afewshin of blud. 
 
 John Bull's a rernarkabul saygashus feller, isent he ? How 
 well he guest the fate of Lee's host in Pennsylvany. The Lon- 
 don Times proffersied that Jeff Davis would dicktate turms of 
 peace from Washington. How air you Thunderer ? Ime curus 
 to see how the British oriculs is goin to crawl out. Wun thing's 
 shure, they've got to stop fittin out Rebel men-of-war. My friend 
 Abraham is good-naterd to a folt ; but as he remarkt to me when 
 we last disgust the subjeck, thar is a pint at witch piracy ceses 
 to be a virtoo. That pint has been reeched, and John Bull may 
 confidently eggspect kicks ef he continners to countnance 
 free booting. Whiting hcs gone over to giv him fare warnin, 
 and he's either got to fall back or fite. A joak's a joak, but 
 this prayin on our commerce in British bottoms, is a belly- 
 gereiit act, and kan't be tolerated enny longer. Hoping that 
 Whiting will do the matter up brown, and indooce John Bull to 
 do wot he hates to when it interfears with his intrests, and that's 
 justice. I remain, as ushil, 
 
 Yours allus, 
 
 A DISBANDED YOLTJNTEEB. 
 
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