WERNER EDITION. to ! 66p Pair of Lunatics Romantic Comedy 30 minutes A PAIR OF LUNATICS Farce for 1 Male and 1 Female By W. R. WALKES Text and Stage-Business Edited and Revised by STANLEY SCHELL PRICE, 15 CENTS NEW YORK Edgar S. Werner & Company Copyright, 1906, by Edgar S. Wernei? SPECIAL 16 PLAYS For 35c. in Paper, 60c. in Clothbinding, postpaid. EACH PLAY HAVING TWO CHARACTERS These 16 Plays come in one book and are: '‘Backward Child/* 2f. "Box of Powders.” im if. "Breaking the Ice.” im if. "Confederates.** im if. "Crystal-Gazer.** 2f. "Fast Friends.** 2 f. "Happy Ending.** 2f. "He, She, and It.’* im. if. "Husband in Clover.” im if. "Morning Call.” im if. "Nettle, The.” im if. "Pair of Lunatics.” im if. "Show of Hands.” im if. "Those Landladies.” 2 f. "Two Jolly Girl Bachelors.” 2f. "Villain and Victim.” im if. Any of these Plays sent in separate form for 15 Cents, postpaid. All of these plays are printed in large clear type, from new plates, with text and stage business edited and revised expressly for us. Address the Publishers EDGAR S. WERNER & COMPANY NEW YORK A PAIR OF LUNATICS W. R. Walkes. Text and Stage-Business Edited and Revised By Stanley Schell. Copyright, 1906, by Edgar S. Werner. Characters: Captain George Fielding. Clara Manners. Costumes: Evening dress. Place: Small room off assembly room of Dr. Adams's Asylum for Feeble-minded and Insane. Stage Setting : Rug down, couch with pillows R. C. ; couch on a slant ; small table at C. ; pictures on wall ; two easy chairs L. ; doors at R. and L. 2 E. and hack C. Through B. C. door may be seen a bit of hall leading to assembly room. Scene: On rise of curtain Captain Fielding is seen peer- ing into room through back C. entrance. He looks carefully around room and enters softly, carefully looking behind sofa, chairs, etc. Capt. Nobody here! Thank goodness! [Yatvtis, stretches arms high,] Pve had about enough of this. [Yawns again.] I’ve spent many depressing evenings in my time, but a ball at a lunatic asylum beats the lot. Just fancy! Two hundred dancers, and almost every one of them mad! [While talking moves to- ward couch on which he drops as if he had found a delightfully peaceful spot at last,] What a gump I was to come! Confound Jack Adams! [Jumps up and, shoves hands ivell doivn into pockets,] It was all his fault. [Stalks up and down, then stops,] 3 pUy— 177 book OF LUNATICS 1 A PAIR W. R. Walkes. Text and Stage-Business Edited and Revised By Stanley Schell. Copyright, 1906, by Edgar S. Werner. Characters: Captain George Fielding. Clara Manners. Costumes : Evening dress. Place : Small room off assembly room of Dr. Adams’s Asylum for Feeble-minded and Insane. Stage Setting : Rug down, couch with pillows R. C. ; couch on a slant ; small table at C. ; pictures on wall ; two easy chairs L. ; doors at R. and L. 2 E. and back C. Through B. C. door may be seen a bit of hall leading to assembly room. Scene: On rise of curtain Captain Fielding is seen peer- ing into room through back C. entrance. He looks carefully around room and enters softly, carefully looking behind sofa, .t: chairs, etc. Capt. Nobody here! Thank goodness! [Yazvns, stretches arms high.^ Eve had about enough of this. [Yawns again. ^ Eve spent many depressing evenings in my time, but a ball at a lunatic asylum beats the lot. Just fancy! Two hundred dancers, and almost every one of them mad! [While talking moves to- ward coiLch on which he drops as if he had found a delightful peaceful spot at last.] What a gump I was to come! Confour Jack Adams! [Jumps up and shoves hands well down in: po''kets.] It was all his fault. [Stalks up and down, then stops. , 3 play — 177 book 4 A PAIR OF LUNATICS. Said rd find it splendid iun to listen to the strange delusions O i the patients! [Sneeringly.\ Fun, indeed! Well, — perhaps Fve no sense of humor. [Sits on couch and fixes pillows more com- fortably.] To me they are just about as funny as a funeral. And they’re so depressingly monotonous. They’ve got blit a poor half-dozen or so of delusions between them; and they copy one another’s words and business like a lot of understudies. Now, let me see! [Counts on his Ungers.] I have danced with no less than three Empresses of China, each of whom offered to share with me the throne of the Celestial Empire. Eour of my part- ners informed me that they were Queens of the Air, and implort^d me to go out on the roof, and fly together to the sunny South. [^Rises and shows manner of dying, then strides to chair off L.] The only one who seemed to have a line of business all to herself was my last partner, who flew into a terrific rage directly I ap- proached her, because I had, she said, borrowed her nose to go to an evening party and had not returned it. As she showed every intention of regaining possession of her lost property by main force, I thought it best to guard my indispensable organ [covers nose with hand], leave her for a while, and seek safety here. comfortably on chair off L. and slightly turned auray tozvard L. Heaves a gentle restful sigh.] How refreshing is this quiet after the glare and noise of the rooms below, and the ceaseless babblings of idiocy. [Yawns.] I feel very tired, quite sleepy, in fact — I’ll close my eyes for a few minutes — just for— a — few — min. [Sleeps; slight pause.] [Enter Clara Manners, carrying a large bouquet She is slightly agitated.] Clara. Thank goodness, here’s an empty room [rushes to couch and drops on it as if thoroughly done over] where I can rest for awhile in peace. Oh, why did Aunt Maria bring me to this ghastly gruesome function ! My head’s in a perfect whirl ! r. Adams assured me that all my partners would be harmless, .suppose he meant by that that they wouldn’t try to murder me — d, of course, that’s some comfort — but their insane ramblings .ake my very flesh creep, and then their vacant laughter — oh! (178) Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2015 https://archive.org/details/pairoflunaticsfaOOwalk 4 A PAIR OF LUNATICS. Said I’d find it splendid fun to listen to the strange delusions of the patients! Fun, indeed! Well, — perhaps I’ve no sense of humor, on couch and fi.ves pillows more com- fortably.] To me they are just about as funny as a funeral. And they’re so deprcssingly monotonous. They’ve got but a poor half-dozen or so of delusions between them; and they copy one another’s words and business like a lot of understudies. Now, let me see! [Counts on his fingers.]. I have danced with no less than three Empresses of China, each of whom offered to share with me the throne of the Celestial Empire. Four of my part- ners informed me that they were Queens of the Air, and implored me to go out on the roof, and fly together to the sunny South. and shows manner of fixing, then strides to chair off L.]_ The only one who seemed to have a line of business all to herself was my last partner, who flew into a terrific rage directly I ap- proached licr, because I had, she said, borrowed her nose to go to an evening party and had not returned it. As she showed every intention of regaining possession of her lost property by main force, I thought it best to guard my indispensable organ [covers nose with hand], leave her for a while, and seek safety here. [5'iVf comfortably on chair off L. and slightly turned away toward L. Heaves a gentle restful sigh.] How refreshing is this quiet after the glare and noise of the rooms below, and the ceaseless babblings of idiocy. [Yawns.] I feel very tired, quite .sleepy, in fact — I’ll close my eyes for a few minutes — just for — a — few — min. [Sleeps; slight pause.] [Enter Cl.\ra M.\nners, carrying a large bouquet. She is slightly agitated.] Ci-ARA. Thank goodness, here’s an empty room [rushes to couch and drops on it as if thoroughly done over] where I can rest for awhile in peace. Oh, why did Aunt Maria bring me to this ghastly gruesome function! My head’s in a perfect whirl! Dr. Adams assured me that all my partners wouhl be harmless. I suppose he meant by that that they wouldn’t try to murder me — and, of course, that’s some comfort — but their insane ramblings make my very flesh creep, and then their vacant laughter — ohl 078 ) A PAIR OP LUNATICS. 5 [^shudders] it's horrible — horrible! {Looks round.] I wonder where I am! Oh! [starting up] perhaps it’s a padded room. [Moves about room punching and tapping wall; hurts hand and puts it to mouth.] Oh! No, there’s nothing padded but the fur- niture ; but suppose it should be where the violent people are kept in chains — and things. I don’t think I’ll stay. [Going toward the door.] [Captain F. snores. Clara stops suddenly and looks around in terror.] Clara. Good gracious! What’s that? [Captain F. snores more loudly and prolongedly. Clara seems to freeze and shud- der.] Oh! it’s a groan; some poor creature in a straight- jacket Oh! What shall I do? Capt. [gives a big yawn, stretching up his arms]. Ouhl [Clara discovers him and sinks zvith a half scream and in a half- fainting condition into the other chair. Captain F. wakes up fully.] Oh, fudge! just beginning to doze, and in such a place. [ Yawns and stretches again. ] Thought I heard talking. [Rises and looks about him. Discovers Clara.] FIullo! followed! I’ll lead her a merry chase. [Acts demented.] Eh! [Puts hand to nose in great alarm.] It’s all right. It’s another one. [Starts to take off his coat.] How do you do? \^Makes a deep salaam.] Lady Macbeth or Sultana of Zanzibar. Clara [^terrified and aside]. There he is again! He’s taken his coat off. Oh, I hope he isn’t violent. How his eyes glare! [Creeps down i?.] Capt. [aside]. I must address her, I suppose. I’ll humor her a bit. [^Aloud.] I beg your pardon; but are you looking for any one, the Editor of the ‘"Sun,” or Hamlet, Prince of Denmark? [Moves toward her. She moves azvay, keeping her eyes on him constantly.] Clara ]^aside]. A lunatic, I knew it. I mmst humor him. [Aloud and in timid manner.] Yes, I am engaged to Hamlet for the next dance, have you seen him? Capt. [aside]. Poor thing! mad as a hatter. \^Aloud.] Hamlet? Oh, yes, just this moment left him. We have been (179) 6 A PAIR OF LUNATICS, sitting for the last six months on the top of the North Pole toss- ing for chocolate drops and making railway station sandwiches. [Moves nearer Clara^ who tries to move away without his observ- ing her, ] Clara. Really ! Capt. [^sinking voice and looking round; then moving closer to her as if to disclose a great secret^. Do you know what rail- way station sandwiches are made of? Clara. Oh, no. [In terror.^ I mean yes, yes! No, I don't, I mean no. Capt. Then Pll tell you [^takes her by the wrist and brings her down to footlights] ; but it's a dark and gruesome mystery. They are made of gooseberry cakes, blacking, bull's eyes, and declining rays of the sun. [Aside,] I am quite an accom- plished lunatic. [Laitghs and goes L. dragging her with him,] Clara [aside] , That dreadful insane laughter 1 How shall I get away ! [Aloud,] Would you mind accompanying me in search of my partner? Capt. [aside]. Wants to get me down to dance, not if I know it. [Aloud.] Pray, excuse me; the fact is — I am expect- ing a visit from the Queen of Sheba and the janitor of the Astor Flats; they are coming to offer me a tomb in the Hall of Fame. [Earnestly, kneeling to her.] Stay with me, and you shall share it. [Aside.] I'm getting on splendidly. Clara [aside]. Oh, dear, oh, dear! what ravings! [Aloud, positively, but timidly.] Thank you very much; it's awfully kind of you, but I don't want a tomb, I don't indeed. I'm not dead yet. Capt. But it's such a useful thing to have in the house; and if you grow tired of it you can turn it into a hen house, or better still, raffle it. [Confidentially.] I know for a positive fact that the messenger at the Day and Night Bank will take fifty chances. [Goes up C. after letting go Clara's wrist.] Clara You don't say so. [Aside.] He doesn't seem so very violent, but how piteous are his wanderings. Such a pleas- ant-looking fellow, too ! (i8o) A PAIR OF LUNATICS, 7 Capt. [aside, ^lp a little]. This is an interesting case, decid- edly, for she has not said a word about her own line of business. Perhaps she’s got a novelty. Pll find out. [Aloud,] But, tell me what is your particular weakness? You don’t fly through the air [imitating action of flying] or anything of that sort, do you? Clara [smiling]. Oh, no. I’m not mad — oh, I beg your pardon — [Aside,] How stupid of me. [Aloud.] I mean I am only here on a visit to Dr. Adams — his guest, you know. Capt. [aside], A guest! [sorrowfully] poor creature. They all say that. Clara [sweetly]. So pleased to have met you, but I am afraid I must be going. Good-by [going tozmrd door, but keep- ing eyes on Capt. F.]. Capt. Not just yet. [Stopping her.] Tell me all about yourself. [Aside.] This is the most charming lunatic I have seen this evening. Clara [aside], I must pretend to be mad or he’ll resent it and become violent; what shall I say? Ah, I know. [Aloud,] 1 am afraid I must be ofif, my balloon is waiting for me at the attic window, my swan balloon, you know — and Auntie doesn’t like the birds to be kept waiting at night. Capt. [aside, in tone of pity] , Poor creature ! But it’s dis- tinctly a new idea and a pretty one. [Aloud.] Never mind Auntie. Bother the birds. I’ll blow you home through my bean- shooter. [Sits L.] Clara [timidly]. Thank you, that’s very kind of you, but I couldn’t think of troubling you. [Aside.] He won’t let me go. I must go on humoring him till somebody comes. Capt. Come, tell me all about it. [Genially.] So you drive about in a balloon, eh? That must be ripping. Is it your own, or hired for the evening? Clara [a.? though inventing with an effort]. Eh, oh! our own, but it’s not a very grand turn out; the old family balloon, you know ; and the swans are an awful pair of crocks, quite past work. 8 A PAIR OF LUNATICS, Capt. How sad ! And the coachman — is he anything un- usual ? Clara [with effort]. The coachman? Oh, yes, he’s a cop- per-colored cokatoo with a cold in the head. [Aside.] How awfully natural it is to be mad! Capt. [^aside], I like this. Humoring a lady-like lunatic is distinctly entertaining. Clara [rises, timidly]. Can — can I drop you anywhere this evening ? Capt. No, thanks. I prefer the old-fashioned bean-shooter. So simple! Clara. Indeed ! Capt. Yes, you put yourself in at one end, and blow through the other, and pufif! — there you are. Clara. How very convenient! [Aside.] Oh, he’s dread- fully mad, poor thing! I must get away. [Aloud, edging toward the door, in terror.] Good-by, thank you so much for this nice chat. Such a pleasant evening. Capt. [intercepting her]. No, no. Pray stop a little longer. I’ve a lot of things to talk about before you go. [Aside,] I am enjoying this. Clara. What things? Capt. Heaps of ’em. Solar myths, empty sardine tins; lemonade, bottled ale and stout, programs, books of the burlesque ; good morning, have you used Pears’ soap? and say, oh say, I implore you that you won’t be happy till you get it. Clara [aside]. How awful! [Aloud,] But I must go. I must, indeed. Aunt Maria and Dr. Adams will be getting so anxious about me. Capt. [confidentially]. Don’t bother about them; they’re all right. [Mysteriously.] Aunt Maria has done it at last. Haven’t you heard about it? Clara [startled]. No. I mean yes, yes. No. I mean no. Capt. Then I’ll tell you. She has laid Dr. Adams three (182) A PAIR OF LUNATICS, 9 acres to a cow that she will beat him in a go-as-you-please race round the tower of St. Patrick’s Cathedral on mowing machines; they are just doing the last lap now, and if you were to interrupt them, do you know what would happen ? Consternation, annihila- tion, and a bad attack of temper. They would clothe you in a costume of custard-colored calico, trimmed with ruffles of fried fish, and marry you to Bernard Shaw. So let me entreat — implore you to remain with me and be safe, snuff-colored and solidified. [Aside, as he walks away.] This is awfully good fun; but it’s a terrible tax on the imagination. Clara [^aside]. What awful madness! If I could only calm him. [Sttddenly.] An idea! I’ve heard that they often soothe these poor creatures with amateur acting. It sounds impossible, but I’ll try it. I’ll give him as much as I can remember of ‘^Ophelia.” [Goes up a little and proceeds to let down her hair.] Capt. l^aside]. Hullo! What’s she up to now! Clara \^places some flowers from her bouquet in her hair, and takes some flowers from the same, and carries them in her hand; speaks in the moonstruck manner of Ophelia], Where is the beauteous majesty of Denmark? [Pause, turn R. and L., ad- vance, and in sweet voice of melancholy, sing. With clasped hands, move head, limp, in half -circle, backzvard,] 9 ^ I r ^ D m - A J- J - J _) V* » . f Vs 1 tr“ 1 W- Howr should I your true love know From an - 7] . Tq n _j 3 • 2 \\j . 4 • #3 vs i # J ft*- 3 L ^ tJ . 1^1 1 — 1 (^•7T -j n J 1 1 ^ - y — ^ i ■ J ® • m - J 1 ^ 1 i ^ — 7y • ^ tiS_«=d_tjC=3 (183) lO A PAIR OF LUNATICS, F- o - - - ther one? By his coc - kle hat and I — r^-r-\ — 5=i|zi=gr -«| gj -i — H- ^g^izz iz 1 staff, And his san n-J- zj TZ z fe=Z =zjzpg^z| J. - dal \- shoon. m E^Z 3tr±£:=:ti Capt. [waves her off]. Go away. Tve nothing for you. Clara. They say the owl was a baker’s daughter. We know what we are, but know not what we may be. Capt. [thrusting out his arms toward her^. Go away — * away. Clara. There’s rosemary; that’s for remembrance. [Offers Capt. F. a flower.] Capt. Thank you. I don’t want any. Clara. “O woe is me, To have seen what I have seen, See what I see.” (i8^ A PAIR OF LUNATICS: il [Sings,] Fft ^ 1 jJ 1 1 ^ — - — 1 5:5 ^ - • 9 r - |S> ^ - 7 =F - fj And will he not come a • ‘ 1 - gain? And 1 K 1 1 n -1 - 1 1 J r* I ^ 1 1 T-V J • 9 ! ^ — --^-v 9 — >:4 — * — r Y • mu—— 1 “j "1 9 " 1 :_q— r,-rp_>y (I8S) U. c.- ILL UB. 12 A PAIR OF LUNATICS. 4 nev - er will come _1 J !. a - gam,, His q 1 ^ ^ J L- i IE -ss- m $ beard.... was white as snow,. All = 1 - g: cm A PAIR OF LUNATICS. 13 ^ zMrzMi -*-Fgg— =r: gone, ho is gone, And wo cast a - way moan, And ^=3' ==1: -g-o- =1: -iS- r ~ 2 .: r i :=t I m.z i5fcr: peace. . . . be with J »_ his !_ souh i [Throws flowers about stage as she wanders about singing preceding words. ^ Capt. [aside and puzzled]. What her little game? [Sud- denly.] By Jove! It’s play acting. She’s doing Shakespeare — Ophelia. Well, I don’t know much about him myself, but I’ll do my best to keep it up; so here goes. [Aloud, ranting.] To be or not to be : Alas, poor Yorick ! Whether ’twere better in this world to call A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse ! Or take a cab, or else a Fifth Avenue ’bus. So get thee to a nunnery, and when thou’rt there Off with his head, and tell him straight from me My name is Lallal on the Grampian Hills My father feeds his flock on threes of Scotch H A PAIR OF LUNATICS, And so whenever they take their walks abroad There's something rotten in the state of Denmark. And so, farewell ! No. No. I will not say 'Tarewell," but ''au revoir,^^ [Clara during the foregoing has quailed, and sunk into a chair. ] Capt. [aside], Vm used up. That's all I can remember, but it has done the trick, shut her up completely. [Smiles com- placently.] Clara [aside]. How he raved. His Shakespeare is all mixed. I must do something more. Til try again. [Rises and glides toward Capt. F. ; at same time spreads out train and looks admiringly at it. Aloud,] Fm Princess Alice. Pm going to have company to-night — real live company! [Laughs heartily,] And Pm going to be some company myself. Only think of it — to have company and to be company. And Pm not nervous a bit. [Walks across stage admiring train.] Old enough to entertain! Enter- tain ! Ha-ha-ha ! Entertain ! A big word for a beginner. But I must practise before Johnny comes. [Meditates, then walks about in stately fashion.] Now, that's dignity, and Pm the Queen of England! Good evening, Mr. — Oh! you are Hamlet! Pm going to capture you to-night — soul and body. Sit there. Pll sit here. Don't look stern. Now, say you love me — me, your queen. Capt. [aside]. Pll humor her, but my oh! if some one would only come. [Aloud.] My queen [approaches her, but she waves him back. He falls on knees at table] ; I adore you. I — Clara, [waving hands toward him]. Go back! Take this with you. [Throws kiss from finger-tips.] Didn't catch it, did you? Try again. [Throws harder.] The King of Bombay al- ways catches my kisses. Look out, now ; here comes one right at your pate. [Throws kiss.] Ha, ha! and you muffed it! [Jumps up suddenly and sings:] *'How should I your true love know." [Stops and listens.] ‘'That's Jerry calling me over the river; I cannot help answering" — (i88) I A PAIR OF LUNATICS, £=F±i-3: ^ ^ La, ha, lia, ha, ha, ha. That says we shall row to-night. \^S tarts tozvard B. C, en- trance, Capt. F. stops her.] Capt. [aside]. She must be mad after all. It’s my turn. Fll try something, and Fll win out. Clara [aside, in utter despair]. It’s a failure. He’s caught on. Oh! will no one come! [Thinks a second,] I know now. Dr. Adams said the other day that with these poor people the commanding power of the human eye was most wonderful. I’ll try it. It’s my last chance. [Turns toward him, folds arms, and gazes at him steadily], Capt. [aside]. Hullo! a new development. I believe she fancies she’s a wax-work and will want me to wind her up. [Aloud.] I say, you know, this isn’t the ‘‘Chamber of Horrors.” [Clara advances toward him slowly and melodramatically, her features contorted into an expression of anger and malignity, Capt. F. retreats before her in alarm. They go entirely around room several times.] Capt. [aside]. Gee whiz! She’s getting violent. This is too much of a good thing! There’s murder in her eye. She’s stark, staring, raving mad. [Sinks on door at her feet.] Take my life, but spare, oh, spare my child ! Clara [aside]. How lovely! he’s quite subdued, but I must keep it up. [Continues to gaze at him as before.] Capt. [aside]. What on earth is to be done. I wonder if I could hypnotize her? I don’t know how to do it, but I’ll try. [Rises and advanees toward her, a stern expression on face, and makes passes with hands.] Clara [aside] , Oh, dear ! the effect has gone off and now he is becoming infuriated. Oh, why did I do it ! [Turns away.] [Capt. F. follows her and makes passes in every position in which he finds himself.] Clara [faintly, swaying to and fro]. Oh! oh! I’m going! [Falls,] (189) i6 A PAIR OF LUNATICS. Capt. {catches her, business of passing her from one arm to the other, and finally deposits her in chair]. She’s gone right ofif. Then [complacently] by Jove! I’m a genuine hypnotist and I never knew it. [Suddenly and alarmed.] But, how am I going to bring her round again? I’ll be hanged if I know. Oh, con- found it, this is serious. [Shakes her by her arm.] Here, I say, gentle stranger. Your Majesty, fair Ophelia, wake up! [Busi- ness of bringing her round — slaps her hand — and so on.] Clara [opens her eyes]. Where am I? Capt. [aside, joyfully]. Ah! she has said, ^'Where am I?” then all is well. Clara {^lises and looks around]. Oh! alone, alone with him still! Oh! [In an agony.] What shall I do? What shall I do? [Rushes to the other side of the room, falls into chair and bursts into tears; in taking out handkerchief a letter falls.] Capt. [aside, alarmed]. Confound it; she’s getting hyster- ical. This won’t do. ]^Aloud.] I say, your Majesty, don’t cry. You’re not well. Let me call Dr. Adams. Clara [eagerly, brightening]. Will you, will you? Capt. Certainly. [Going, catches sight of letter.] But what’s this? [Reads address.] “Miss Clara Manners, Halbury House.” \^Aside.] That’s Jack’s favorite sister he’s always talk- ing about. How strange! [Aloud, pointing to letter.] Then she must be at the ball to-night. Clara. Who ? Capt. Miss Manners. Clara. She is. I am Clara Manners. Capt. You! [Aside, laughs.] Oh, that’s awfully good. [Aloud, soothingly.] No, no, you’re the Sultana of Zanzibar. I recognized you at once by your regal bearing ; and I am your most devoted subject. General Booth, the oldest and dearest friend of William the Conqueror [kneels], although the people outside [confidentially] who are all mad, you know, call me Captain George Fielding of the 45th Lancers. (190) A PAIR OF LUNATICS, 17 Clara [aside], 45th! Captain Fielding! ThaFs Jack's great friend. What a strange fancy! [Aloud,] But I assure you my name is Clara Manners. Capt. Eh? [Aside.] Now I look at her, she’s uncommonly like Jack. Clara [aside]. His face bears a wonderful resemblance to Mr. Fielding’s portrait in Jack’s album. [They look at each other for a few seconds, and then turn away.] Capt. But surely Miss Manners is not — [touching his head], Clara. Certainly Captain Fielding isn’t — {^they again stare for a second int(P each othePs faces] , CApt. [aside]. She doesn’t look so very mad, after all. Clara [aside], I believe he’s perfectly sane. Capt. I say, now, between ourselves, you don’t really pro- pose to go home in a balloon, do you? Clara [laughing]. Oh dear, no; and you — you are not a very dear friend of William the Conqueror, I suppose? Capt. [laughing]. Oh no, he’s dead; my friend is Jack Manners. [Puts on coat quickly.] Clara. My brother. [They shake hands.'] Capt. What a lucky chance ! I am so awfully glad to make your acquaintance. And you — Clara [rather coyly], I am always pleased to meet any friend of Jack’s [with more effusion], especially a dear friend. [They shake hands again zvith much effusion.] Capt. But what lunatics we’ve been. Clara. Yes, hopelessly insane! Capt. But as we’re quite harmless, suppose we go down stairs to supper, and look for your partner, Hamlet. Clara. Yes, and when we’ve found him, we’ll ask him to v/rite an epitaph for your tomb in the Hall of Fame. [Both laugh.] Curtain. (191) SONGS OR MUSICAL RECITATIONS IN DOLLY LAND Tragedies of the Dolls Illustrated with photographs from life Lesson -Talks (full directions) for rendering Words and lesson-talks by Mrs. F. W. Pender— Music by E. J. Biedermann May be given by little girls or grown-ups 1. — BROKEN DOLL. 50c Girl tells how her favorite doll was killed by fat woman-caller sitting on it; how woman jumped up, sc 3 ,red to death; how child mourned, how she dressed doll for burial, how she broke news to other doll chil- dren, how she trusts doll has angel wings and is in heaven. 6 min. ^ 2. — FATE OF THE DOLLS. 50c. Girl, “mother” of nine dolls, tells of their various ail- ments; how brother, playing “Big Injun,” scalped one doll and got punished; how cousin sneaked into bed- room and punched out one doll’s eyes; she concluding that girl with one doll has less worry than she herself has with nine. 5 min. 3. -FOLKS THINK WE ARE RELATED, Girl, describing doll’s characteristics, clothes, etc., says folks think she and doll look enough alike to be re- lated; tells of doll’s accidents, ailments. 8 min. 4. — WHEN TOPSY HAD THE MEASLES. Girl tells how, when mamma goes out to work, she spends her time with her only doll, whom, having caught measles by exposure to cold, she paints because, being “colored” doll, measles “were afraid to come.” 7 min. Each piece 50 cents— All 4 pieces sent for $1,50 « EDGAR S. WERNER & CD.. 43 East 19th St.. N. Y.