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 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 SHEER IXDUSTRY. 
 
 BY 
 
 JOHN POOLE, ESQ. 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 PAUL PRY," "LITTLE PEDLINGTON," &c. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON: 
 HENRY COLBURN, PUBLISHER, 
 
 GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. 
 
 1843.
 
 C. "V^'HITIXC, BEAUFOET HOUSE, STRAND.
 
 8^3 
 v.l 
 
 TO 
 
 MR. SERGEANT TALFOURD. 
 
 My deae Sik; 
 
 I All gratifying myself by placing your 
 name in front of this triflinj]; Avork. The 
 . Public, wliicli knows and appreciates your 
 ,; great abilities in many, and various, forms, 
 "^ needs no reminder of tliem from me. 
 * 5 Allow this INSCRIPTION, therefore, to stand 
 as a memorial of Private Friendship between 
 J^ yourself and 
 
 ^ THE AUTHOR. 

 
 APOLOGY FOR A PREFACE. 
 
 I HAD originally intended to write a for- 
 mal preface to these volumes ; but, upon re- 
 consideration, I have thought it unnecessary. 
 This after-thought spares some trouble to 
 myself, and some, also, to the reader. The 
 book, as it stands, must speak for itself; for 
 since, probably^ people of a suspicious turn 
 of mind would conceive that I am personally 
 interested in its welfare, my good word for 
 it might be received with a small degree of 
 caution. I shall, therefore, merely observe
 
 VI ATOLOGT FOR A PREFACE. 
 
 of it, that it is 7^;?roinantic, w/zfashionable, 
 unfLiie ; and there being already so much of 
 the Jine, the fashionable, and the romantic^ 
 this may be something in its favour. Its 
 chief object is to ehicidate a principle which 
 is stated at the very outset of the work. 
 The character of the hero, Phineas Quiddy, 
 which is employed for tliat purpose, is, in 
 many of its points, drawn from real life — a?, 
 indeed, I may say of several of the characters 
 introduced in the story; and the incidents 
 are, for the greater part, founded on fact. 
 In a word, I have endeavoured generally to 
 adhere, as closely as might be consistent 
 with a work of this kind, to Nature and to 
 Truth — with what success, it is not (for a 
 reason just alluded to) for me to decide. 
 
 J. P. 
 
 Windsor, September 29, 1842.
 
 PART THE FIE ST.
 
 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 OK, 
 
 SHEER INDUSTRY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Sheer Industry a suspicious Term — The Advantages of 
 beginnmg the World with Nothing — Introduction of 
 the Hero — At his Start in Life he has the rare good 
 Fortune to be possessed of Nothing — By what Means 
 he converts that Property into Something — A Friend 
 to the Needy, his Virtue is rewarded — True Sheer 
 Industry and its Resuhs cxemphfied by a brief 
 History of a worthy Scnty his Master. 
 
 PiiiNEAS QuiDDY bcgaii tlic world witli 
 Nothing: by dint of S/ieer Industrf/jixs lie 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 always boasted, he became possessed of up- 
 wards of one hundred thousand pounds. 
 
 We do not cite this as a rare instance 
 of the important advantage of entering 
 upon business with Nothing : on the con- 
 trary, we could mention many others ; so 
 many, indeed, that in spite of Shakspeare, 
 who tells us that " nothing can come of no- 
 thing," it would seem that Nothing is the 
 prohfic seed from which some of the largest 
 fortunes in London have been grown. One 
 man walks all the way from Leitli to London, 
 and, at his journey's end, finds himself with 
 only three farthings in his pocket : a few years 
 elapse, and he has converted each farthing 
 into a plum! He proudly boasts that his 
 fortune was acliieved by sheer industry. A 
 second begins by dohng out halfpenny- 
 worths of hazel-nuts from a basket slung 
 across his shoulders: by-and-by he starts 
 forth upon the astonished world lord mayor 
 of London ! Sheer industry again. A 
 third .
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 3 
 
 Now, Nothing is a term sufficiently intel- 
 ligible: were it otherwise, there be thou- 
 sands and thousands who could explain it, 
 with Johnsonian precision, by simply turn- 
 ing their pockets inside out. But we ap- 
 prehend that Sheer Industry is one of not 
 so definite a signification, and that (at least 
 in the cases we have mentioned) it must 
 mean industry — and something more. As 
 to what that " something more" may be, we 
 may perhaps be not a little enlightened by 
 using the career of Phineas Quiddy as our 
 lexicon. 
 
 Phineas Quiddy was the son of a poor la- 
 bourer at the London Docks, and, when 
 about twelve years old, was placed with one 
 Sandy Sanderson, a worthy Scot, who kept a 
 snuff-shop, of the humblest pretensions,in Cow- 
 lane, Shoreditch. Here his duties were to sweep 
 the shop, go errands, assist or relieve his 
 master in serving the customers (for Sandy 
 was waxing old), and do whatever else 
 b2
 
 4 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 might be required of liim ; for all which he 
 received lodging and food, and sixpence 
 a-week. 
 
 A stipendiary in the enjoyment of fifty- 
 two sixpences per annum^ Master Phineas 
 thought himself a prosperous gentleman; 
 but as out of his income he had to provide 
 liimself with clothes, he found at the end of 
 the year, that although his tradesmen's bills 
 had not been numerous, they had, neverthe- 
 less, left him in possession of that which we 
 have already noticed as the surest founda- 
 tion for future fortune — nothing.. But, 
 somehow, — the consequence of his youth 
 and inexperience, perhaps, — httle Phi- 
 neas did not properly appreciate the 
 advantages of his position: he did not 
 reflect upon the number of aldermen and 
 lord mayors who, by the magic of sheer 
 industry, had converted precisely the same 
 amount of capital as his own into India- 
 stock and Consols ; and he set himself about 
 thinking, how he might, by the end of the
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 5 
 
 next year, have acquired something ratlier 
 more palpable. 
 
 It happened that the greater portion of 
 Mr. Sanderson's customers were artisans and 
 poor labourers, who frequently, towards the 
 end of the week, would come empty-handed 
 for their modicums of snuff or tobacco, en- 
 treating to be supplied, and promising to 
 pay on Saturday-night. But Sandy was a 
 strict man, and as he never took credit, so 
 was he obdurate in refusing it. He was 
 also a rigidly honest man, and in the adjust- 
 ment of his scales a very Portia — never 
 allowing them to turn " but in the estimation 
 of a hair." Upon these two points, the fol- 
 lowing were his instructions to his assistant : 
 "Firstly: never upon any account, give 
 credit, boy : selling upon credit, may lead to 
 ruin, and buying upon credit often brings 
 poor folks into trouble. Next : see that the 
 beam of your scales be even: a turn above 
 weight is a loss to me; a turn below, a 
 wrong to the customer : ' Mony a little maks
 
 6 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 a mickle ;' and a grain too much given many 
 times a day, will amount to pounds' weight 
 at the year's end." 
 
 To these instructions had little Quiddy 
 hitherto most scrupulously adhered; but it 
 now occurred to him that, from a shght eva- 
 sion of one of them, he might derive profit 
 to himself without doing the smallest injury 
 either to his master or his master's custom- 
 ers. But in order to carry his scheme into 
 execution, cf//9?7a^ was requisite; he waited 
 therefore till the savings of his weekly 
 wages had placed several shillings at liis 
 command. And now behold the young 
 financier unmoved, as usual, by the most art- 
 ful persuasion to part with his masters 
 goods upon trust, kindly offering to lend the 
 supplicant money to supply his wants — only 
 requiring the deposit of some article .or 
 other as security for its return on the Satur- 
 day evening, and just taking one farthing 
 upon each penny advanced, simply because 
 (as he always said upon those occasions)
 
 OK, SHEER INDUSTRY. 7 
 
 " In this world nobody can't be expected to 
 do nothing for nobody else for nothing" — a 
 principle from which, throughout his life, he 
 never departed. These financial operations 
 (carried on, we need scarcely say, without 
 the knowledge of old Sandy) were so fre- 
 quently repeated, that, at the end of next 
 year, Phineas Quiddy found himself a gainer 
 by them of nearly five pounds — the first- 
 fruits of his boasted sheer industry. 
 
 His sheer industry served him again in 
 another way connected with these transac- 
 tions: for if the deposits, which he always 
 took care should be worth much more than 
 the sums advanced upon them, were not re- 
 deemed at the stipulated hour, he declared 
 them forfeit, and exacted a fee for their re- 
 storation. 
 
 Li proportion as his means to serve his 
 friends increased, so did his own little pri- 
 vate business; till, at the age of twenty, 
 Mr. Quiddy had the pleasure of finding that 
 he had accumulated nearly two hundi^ed
 
 8 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 pounds. Such is the reward of sheer in- 
 dustry ! 
 
 The infirmities of old Sanderson had, for 
 some time past, compelled him to intrust 
 the entire management of his shop to 
 Quiddy, who still received but small wages. 
 With such, however, he was satisfied, as, at 
 the age of twenty-one he was to be admitted 
 as a partner in the business — his own little 
 private trade, moreover, being a thriving 
 one — when, lo ! just at this time poor old 
 Sandy died, bequeathing all his earthly pos- 
 sessions to his widow. Now let us see what 
 were those earthly possessions, the reward of 
 sheer industry in the case of poor old Sandy 
 Sanderson. 
 
 During the forty years that Sandy had 
 kept the little snuff-shop at Shoreditch, he 
 had never, for a single day, been absent 
 from the receipt of custom, except when 
 compelled by illness: never was he enticed 
 from it by pleasure or amusement. So long
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 9 
 
 as health and strength remamed he required 
 no assistance in his work, but with his own 
 hands laboured to supply his own wants. 
 He was frugal in his habits, and, as we have 
 shown, strictly just in his dealings. He 
 bought his little commodities at fair prices, 
 of fair traders, and sold them at reasonable 
 profits. 
 
 But though frugal, Sandy was no churl : 
 he loved such of the good things of this 
 world as are usually within the reach of 
 persons of his class; and as he acquired by 
 his own industry the means of procuring 
 them, he wisely and truly considered that 
 he might occasionally, and in moderation, 
 partake of them. His favourite meal was 
 supper; fo^, the shop being shut, and the 
 labour of the day at an end, he could sit 
 down with his old woman — for so, from the 
 first day of his marriage, he had always 
 called his wife — to the uninterrupted enjoy- 
 ment of it. Now and then, though seldom, 
 a Scotch friend or neighbour would be in-
 
 1 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 vited to his humble board, and the evening 
 would be wound up (as, indeed, with Sandy 
 it always was) with a pipe, and a tumbler 
 of comfortable, hot, whisky-toddy. Sunday 
 was his only holiday, and this he enjoyed 
 with intense delight ; for, after church, which 
 was succeeded by an early dinner, he would 
 tuck his wife under his arm, and (weather 
 permitting) devote the remainder of the day 
 to a pleasant ramble, for air and exercise, 
 about the picturesque brick-fields of Hack- 
 ney or HoUoway. 
 
 But there was one trait in the character 
 of Sandy Sanderson too creditable to him to 
 be omitted: he was charitable to the extent 
 of his limited means ; and though deaf to 
 the appeals of common beggary, a poor, if 
 a deserving, Scot — for Sandy, not having 
 much to give away, confined his charities 
 almost exclusively to his own countr}mien — 
 never souc^ht his assistance in vain. But 
 these donations, of a shilling, or, haply, a 
 little more, according to the necessities of
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 11 
 
 the case, were always accompanied with a 
 gentle admonition to the apphcant not to 
 come again upon a similar errand to one who 
 had so little to spare, " unless," would Sandy 
 say, " unless you find you canna just help 
 yoursel', and then," (adding with a sigh) — 
 " Ech, guid Lord! it's a hard world for the 
 best o' us, mon." 
 
 It would sometimes happen that, in addi- 
 tion to the donation, the applicant would 
 request (and a very moderate request it would 
 seem) a few pinches of snuff in a twist of 
 paper; but this was always met by a direct 
 refusal. 
 
 " Gi'e awa' my snuff, mon! where the de'il 
 will Sandy Sanderson find a spare shilhng 
 for a puir countryman, if he is to gi'e awa 
 the commodities he lives by ? Nae, nae ; an 
 ye want snuff ye maun just buy it, and as 
 weel lay out your money wi' me as wi' 
 anither." 
 
 And hereupon would Sandy, with the 
 same scrupulous accuracy as in other cases,
 
 1 2 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 weigh out a halfpenny-worth of snuff, and 
 take payment for it out of the shiUing which 
 he had just before given — congratulating 
 himself upon this addition to his day's pro- 
 fits. 
 
 Well; — Sandy Sanderson dying, left be- 
 hind him about five hundred pounds, the 
 savings of forty years of sheer industry (in 
 the strict sense of the term), fair trading, and 
 frugality ; together with his fiu'nitiu:e and 
 stock in trade, which were barely worth 
 three hundred — a charming Httle figure of a 
 Highlander, with his fingers to his nostrils, 
 which decorated one side of his shop-door, 
 and a glossy jet-black boy, the other, being 
 taken into the valuation. 
 
 And now let us return to the career of 
 Mr. Sheer-industry Quiddy.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 13 
 
 CHAPTEE II. 
 
 Janet Gray introduced : a Touch of the (un) Romantic 
 — Quiddy's first Love — His Declaration, and how it 
 was received — Effects of an unsuccessful popping of 
 the Question noticed, and its sad Consequences to 
 our Hero — " The Course of true Love never did run 
 smooth." 
 
 The widow of Sandy being old, lame, and 
 purblind, was but too glad to retain Quiddy 
 in his post ; till, at the stipulated period, she 
 honourably fulfilled her late husband's pro- 
 mise of admitting him as a partner in the 
 business, allowing him a one-third share of 
 its profits.
 
 14 PEINE AS QUIDDY; 
 
 Another twelvemonth elapsed, and Janet 
 Gray had entered her eighteenth year. 
 
 Now, it was not through forgetfulness that 
 we omitted to mention Janet Gray ere this : 
 we purposely abstained from noticing her 
 till we found her appearance to be useful; 
 and, even now, she is of little further utihty 
 than as serving to mark a point in the cha- 
 racter of Phineas Quiddy and to illustrate 
 his progress, to which all else may he con- 
 sidered subordinate. 
 
 Janet was a distant relative of the late 
 worthy tobacconist ; and being left, about six 
 years prior to this period, an orphan and friend- 
 less in the town of Aberdeen, was sent for by 
 the Sandersons to officiate as their maid of 
 all-work. In this capacity she had plenty 
 to do; but (such are the advantages of order, 
 and a judicious distribution of time), she 
 nevertheless found leisure to fall deeply in' 
 love with Phineas. This would seem to 
 have been a more difficult job than trundling 
 a mop, scrubbing a floor, or even cooking a
 
 OE,^ SHEER INDUSTRY. 15 
 
 scrag of mutton — at least, we should think 
 so, were we ignorant of the tricks played 
 with the heart by the little god of love, for 
 Phineas was neither handsome nor amiable. 
 To say that the young gentleman returned, 
 or even encouraged, her affections would be 
 untrue ; but as he never'said or did any thing 
 to lead her to imagine the contrary, she na- 
 turally believed he did, which was, in its 
 consequences, the same thing to her. 
 
 And thus did he prudently argue with 
 himself: 
 
 " As I can't lose any thing by letting the 
 girl go on hking me, I shan't say any thing 
 to hinder her: and as I don't sec what I 
 could get by it if I did, matters may just as 
 well remain as they are. At all events, that 
 can't do me any harm." 
 
 With respect to Janet's person (although 
 quite good enough for Mr. Phineas), it was, 
 by no means, what the world calls hand- 
 some. And althouG;h a writer of a tale of 
 fiction intending her for his '^ heroine," or
 
 1 6 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 an imaginative auctioneer advertising her 
 ibr sale, would talk about fragile and sylph- 
 like fonn, roses and lilies, and monumental 
 alabaster — dimples, pouting lips, azure eyes, 
 and golden tresses — we prefer describing her 
 in the language of truth, and shall avail 
 ourselves, therefore, of the simple, but ex- 
 pressive words of one of her neigh- 
 bours : — 
 
 " Well, to be sure, Janet Gray is as 
 dumpy, ugly a little body as ever was seen ; 
 but, then, bless her ! what a sweet, angel's 
 temper she has got !" 
 
 Good enough, did we say ! Confound him ! 
 with such a point in her favour she was forty 
 times too good for him. 
 
 Janet had often thought to herself what a 
 nice thing it must be to be married : Phineas 
 had often thought the same thino^. But 
 though two minds had come to precisely the 
 same conclusion, the arguments which led to 
 it were totally different. 
 
 '' I do love Phineas," thought Janet, " and
 
 OE, SHEEPv IXDUSTRY. 17 
 
 I'm sure we should be very liappy if we 
 were married !" 
 
 " One-third share in this business is no 
 bad thing," thought Phineas, " but the whole 
 three-thirds would be a great deal better." 
 
 On the evening of the day upon which 
 old widow Sanderson discarded her weeds, 
 she was sitting quietly in the little back- 
 parlour with Quiddy — the shop being closed, 
 and Janet busied in the kitchen preparing 
 supper. The old woman was seated at one 
 side of the fire, poring over a large family- 
 bible ; Quiddy, at the other, was occupied 
 in twiddling betwixt the bars with the 
 poker, looking exceedingly sheepish, and 
 occasionally uttering a short, single cough, 
 indicating the pressure of somethiiig upon 
 his mind, of which something he did not 
 know how to relieve it. 
 
 At length he summoned up resolution to 
 unburden himself, and thus began : — 
 
 VOL. I. C
 
 18 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 " Ahem ! — Mrs. — Ma'am — Mrs. Sander- 
 son— I— I—" 
 
 "Well, boy, speak out: what have you 
 got to say?" said Mrs. Sanderson; at the 
 same time closing her bible, and placing her 
 spectacles in it to mark the place where she 
 had left off reading. 
 
 " Why, ma'am, I — I'm just turned two- 
 and-twenty, and I've been thinking — I say, 
 ma'am, I — I mean, ma'am, do you think it's 
 a cfood thing; to be married?" stammered 
 Quiddy. 
 
 " I'm sure," replied Mrs. Sanderson, burst- 
 ing into tears, " I'm sure it would be very 
 wicked of me to say the contrary ; for my 
 poor, dear, dead-and-gone Sandy and I, who 
 were man and wife nearly forty years, were 
 as happy together as doves. Ah !" conti- 
 nued she, her tears increasing as she spoke, 
 " though he was only a poor tobacconist, 
 and kept the sign of the Black Boy and 
 Highlander, at the corner of Cow-lane,
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. W 
 
 Slioreditcli, on this side the grave, lie's a 
 winged angel at this moment, if ever there 
 was one." 
 
 " I shouldn't wonder," said Quiddj, sigh- 
 ing ; " but don't cry, ma'am, for, after all, 
 losino; a husband isn't like losine: one's 
 money : if one loses that, it's a chance if one 
 ever gets it back again; but there are such 
 loads of men and women in the world, it is 
 easy enough to find another husband or 
 another wife, for which," — and as he uttered 
 these words, he clasped his hands, and 
 piously turned his eyes upwards to the ceil- 
 ings — "for vdiich we ought to be very 
 thankful." 
 
 A pause ensued, which was broken by 
 Mrs. Sanderson. 
 
 " And so you have some thoughts of 
 getting married?" 
 
 " Thoughts ! Bent on it, ma'am," said tlie 
 young tobacconist, in a tone of determi- 
 nation; adding, with extreme tenderness, 
 c2
 
 20 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " and don't you think it will be better for 
 both of us?" 
 
 " I am satisfied of it, and the sooner still 
 the better. You have now a third of the 
 business, and when you are married, you 
 shall have — " 
 
 " Oh, ma'am — oh, ISIrs. Sanderson," cried 
 the enraptured Quiddy, starting on his legs, 
 and interrupting her ; " I can't find words to 
 tell you how happy 3'ou have made me. 
 Stock in trade — fiu^niture — five hundred 
 pounds in the — " 
 
 Mrs. Sanderson, in her tiu-n, cut through 
 the conversation. 
 
 ''And poor Janet, too, will be happy 
 when we tell her this." 
 
 Unobserved by the interlocutors, at this 
 moment the parlour-door was partially 
 opened, and Janet, who had caught the. 
 last words, stood withoutside, breathless 
 and motionless. 
 
 Mrs. Sanderson continued: "Janet loves 
 you dearly, Phineas ; I know she does."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 21 
 
 " But ma'am," said Qiiiddy, somewhat 
 astonished, " wliat lias her love for me to do 
 with what ive are talking about? How- 
 somever, that's her affair; and, love me ever 
 so, I'll take my oath I never gave her no 
 encouragement." 
 
 " What !" exclaimed Mrs. Sanderson ; 
 " and don't you love Janet ?" 
 
 " Love he7'? why, Hess you, ma'am, the 
 thing is a moral impossible, and not in 
 human nature. How can one love any body 
 that an't got nothing ?" 
 
 " Well; when Mr. Sanderson married me, 
 I had nothing — nothing but industry and a 
 true heart; yet you have seen how happily 
 we Hved together. However, since you 
 have confessed you don't love the poor 
 girl, you shant marry her — I'll take care 
 of that." 
 
 "Marry her F exclaimed Quiddy; "I 
 never dreamt of such a thing; besides I 
 — ^ma'am — my — Mrs. Sanderson — my affec- 
 tions is already engaged."
 
 22 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 ^' And who, pray, has already engaged 
 your affections?" 
 
 " Can't you guess, ma'am ?" said Quiddy, 
 screwing his ugly face into an expression of 
 as much tenderness as it was capable of 
 
 " Guess? no," said the old woman; '* how 
 should I be able to guess more than others ? 
 Speak out." 
 
 Quiddy hesitated, stammered, and twisted 
 his thumbs; and then, by a desperate effort, 
 delivered himself of the words — 
 
 "Oh! who should it be but your own 
 dearself, Mrs. S.?" 
 
 "Me — met! — ^nie!!!" exclaimed Mrs. S., 
 half stupified with astonishment. Then re- 
 covering herself, she said — " Why you 
 senseless, unfeeling brute ! I'm old enough 
 to be your grandmother! Shame upon you! 
 But, old as I am, my eyes are still clear 
 enough to see into your dirty, interested 
 motives." 
 
 Quiddy, who had calculated too securely 
 upon what he might have heard, or per-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 23 
 
 haps read in a newspaper, of the avidity 
 with which an old woman will sometimes 
 seize the offer of a young suitor, was so 
 completely taken aback by this rebuff, as to 
 be rendered incapable of uttering a word in 
 reply. 
 
 Mrs. Sanderson took a huge pinch of 
 snuff, put on her spectacles, and silently 
 renewed the reading of her bible; whilst 
 her lover, pretending to cry, put his hand- 
 kerchief to his eyes, and (as if the shock had 
 taken away his breath) went through the 
 shop, opened the door, and stood for some 
 minutes to inhale the revivino; air of Cow- 
 lane. 
 
 Of all the burdens ever imposed upon a 
 human being, the heaviest to carry is a sad 
 heart. The step of that " dumpy, ugly little 
 body," Janet Gray, was usually light and 
 rapid. At this moment might have been 
 heard, descending the kitchen-stairs, a tread 
 slow, measured, and heavy. 
 
 " Well!" thought Mrs. Sanderson, as soon
 
 24 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 as slie was left alone to her reflections, — 
 " Well ! wlio would have thought it! What 
 could have put it into his head that, at my 
 age, I should ever dream of making such a 
 fool of myself — worse than a fool! The 
 heartless, the unfeehng, the money-griping 
 
 ! To refuse a young, healthy, good 
 
 girl like Janet, who would have been a trea- 
 sure of a wife to him, and talk of marriage 
 to an infirm old woman like me, who, mercy 
 on me! ought to be thinking more of bury- 
 ing than wedding; and all this, with a 
 selfish eye, to my little worldly possessions! 
 Well! though I never gave him credit for 
 much generosity of character, I should 
 hardly have thought him such a — . No mat- 
 ter ; he has opened my eyes to what he really 
 is, and I ought to be grateful to heaven for it : 
 else a poor lone widow like me might have 
 — Ah! dear, dear! what a world we live in!" 
 And having terminated her mental soh- 
 loquy, she gave three taps on the lioor with 
 her crutch-stick, the usual signal to Janet
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 25 
 
 that slie was ready for supper. Presently 
 Janet made her appearance, laid the cloth, 
 and placed the humble meal upon the table. 
 This operation (like every thing else indeed 
 that Janet had to do), had hitherto been per- 
 formed with an alacrity of movement and a 
 smihng countenance, usually accompanied 
 by the humming of a snatch of some favour- 
 ite tune. Upon this occasion she was silent 
 and slow of motion, and seemed to Hft each 
 little article from the tray to the table with 
 as great an effort as if it had been a hun- 
 dred weight ; whilst a quicker ear than 'Mis. 
 Sanderson s might have detected something 
 like a short, half repressed sigh. 
 
 The first effect of an unsuccessful popping 
 of the question, when the heart is really con- 
 cerned in the affair, depends greatly upon 
 the disposition and temperament of the 
 party rejected. One is subdued to melan- 
 choly, 07ie excited to rage, (mother diiven to 
 madness; whilst the veiy desperate will 
 
 threaten to hangf, drown, or shoot himself — v^ 
 
 /"A
 
 26 rniNEAS quiddy ; 
 
 a threat which he would assuredly carry into 
 execution if any body were foolish enough 
 to say "Dont." But there is one conse- 
 quence of a love disappointment that affects 
 all natures, which is, that for a time it takes 
 away the appetite; and so general is this, 
 that we think it not improbable that it 
 would spoil even a common-councilman for 
 a turtle-feast. 
 
 Of this fact Quiddy appears to have been 
 aware ; for when, by Mrs. Sanderson's desire, 
 Janet went to call him to supper (which she 
 did with a faltering voice, addressing him, 
 not as heretofore, by his Christian name, but 
 as Mr. Quiddy) he made no reply to her, 
 but, passing through the little back-parlour, 
 said to the old woman (in order to give the 
 semblance of sincerity to his passion) — 
 
 " Oh, ma'am ! no supper for me : you've 
 took away my appetite for one while." And 
 with a grunt, which he intended for a sigh 
 of the lirst magnitude, he betook himself 
 supperless to bed.
 
 OK, SHEER I^T)USTRY. 27 
 
 Of this Mrs. Sanderson took no notice, 
 but desired Janet to sit down and eat lier 
 supper, unconscious that the poor girl had 
 any notion of what had just occurred between 
 herself and her enamoured swain. 
 
 Now, according to the theory we have 
 broached touching the loss of appetite, under 
 the circumstances narrated, it will be taken 
 for granted that Janet, who really felt " the 
 pangs of despised love," declined her meal. 
 No such thing : Janet was, in her small way, 
 a heroine. She knew that, by so doing, she 
 would excite the attention of Mrs. Sander- 
 son, and that the emotion which she could 
 not altogether suppress would be observed; 
 so she took her supper as usual, but with 
 this slight difference, that every morsel she 
 swallowed went nigh to choke her. 
 
 She talked too : she did not, indeed, lead 
 conversation nor ask questions, but she an- 
 swered those of her companion with appa- 
 rent cheerfulness. And whenever Mrs. San- 
 derson looked up at Janet, she saw a smile
 
 28 PHD^EAS QUIDDY; 
 
 upon her countenance ; but Mrs. Sanderson 
 being, as we have before intimated, purbhnd, 
 she did not see the tear that accompanied it, 
 the tear that would not be restrained: she 
 did not, in short, observe that most pathetic 
 expression of which the human countenance 
 is susceptible — when the compulsory smile is 
 upon it, whilst the heart is full of grief 
 
 Supper ended, they went each to her bed, 
 and, upon bidding " good-night," the old 
 woman, kissing Janet, added, " God bless 
 you, my child." 
 
 Though invariably kind to the girl, tliis 
 was a term of endearment she had never 
 before addressed to her. The heroism of 
 the little maid-of-all-work was not proof 
 against this : she burst into tears and rushed 
 into her chamber. This httle incident was 
 not lost upon the old woman. 
 
 And the poor, love-lorn, grief-stricken, 
 Quiddy ? — For a full hour did he sit gloom- 
 ily in the corner of his room, nor had he re- 
 moved one single article of his dress. He
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 29 
 
 sat like one absorbed in the meditation of 
 some dreadful deed. He drew a small clasp- 
 knife from his pocket — then replaced it — 
 muttering to himself, " I shall find a larger 
 knife therer Occasionally he rose and hs- 
 tened; and when all in the house was per- 
 fectly quiet, he stealthily descended the 
 stairs to the kitchen. He opened a closet 
 in which he knew that a weapon such as he 
 had occasion for, would be foimd; he seized 
 it; and imagine, when, next morning, poor 
 Janet approached the same depository, what 
 must have been her feehngs as she ex- 
 claimed, — 
 
 *' What can have become of such a quan- 
 tity of the bread-and-cheese!"
 
 30 nilNEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 CHAPTEE III. 
 
 Niglit-cogltations and Resolutions — A notable Con- 
 trivance —A perplexing Proceeding — A Question for 
 an F R.S. — A \yord touching "Fine" Writing — 
 Our Hero a Somnambulist — Av.ful Disappointment. 
 
 During the night in question neither of 
 the parties slept much : they lay awake re- 
 flecting upon the circumstances of tlie past 
 evening, each building thereupon a resolu- 
 tion for the future. Janet, indeed, with an 
 industry to which we have before alluded, 
 had formed two: one of whicli she deter- 
 mined to abide by at all risks; whilst the
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 31 
 
 Other she intended to leave conditional upon 
 the sanction of her benefactress (for such 
 did Janet truly consider Mrs. Sanderson to 
 be) for its fulfilment. What their several 
 resolutions were, and whether they were 
 abided by, will presently be seen; but that 
 all parties were sincere in them is certain — 
 for these ignorant people knew nothing of 
 the true philosophy of the subject, which 
 teaches us that a resolution is chiefly valu- 
 able for the pleasure it affords us in break- 
 ing it. 
 
 The consequence of their night-cogita- 
 tions was, that when the trio met at break- 
 fast, their demeanour towards each other 
 was somewhat different from what it had 
 heretofore been. Thus, Janet appeared to 
 combine a little more of affection with her 
 habitual respect for the old woman, whilst 
 towards Quiddy she was rather distant and 
 reserved, exhibiting less of her former un- 
 hesitating frankness in her address to him; 
 though, in neither case, was her altered
 
 32 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 manner so strongly marked, as would have 
 struck any but an observant eye. Mrs. 
 Sanderson, instead of addressing Janet by 
 name, as had been usual with her, called her 
 " my dear ;" whilst to Quiddy she scarcely 
 spoke a word, and seemed purposely to 
 avoid looking at him. As for the young 
 lover, he ever and anon cast (v»diat he in- 
 tended for) a tender look at the mistress, at 
 the same time emitting^ a small crrunt ; whilst 
 to the maid he was morose — evidently con- 
 sidering her as the bar to the fulfilment of 
 his selfish project. 
 
 The resolution which Quiddy had formed 
 in the course of the preceding night was to 
 persist in his endeavour to obtain the old 
 woman's hand; but, since his overt attack 
 had failed, to try what could be effected by 
 stratagem. He determined, therefore, to 
 play upon her sympathy and fears, and the 
 manner in which he intended to assail them 
 he considered as a masterpiece of inven- 
 tion.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 33 
 
 But here' again lie reckoned without his 
 host, betraying equal ignorance of the cha- 
 racter he had to deal with, and the real 
 value of his own little powers. Address is 
 one thing, small cunning another ; and Quid- 
 dy, hke most people of his stamp, who pride 
 themselves upon being what is termed 
 "'cute," possessed abundance of the latter 
 quality without one particle of the other. 
 
 " Eat your breakfast," said Mrs. Sander- 
 son to Quiddy, who put aside the tea and 
 toast which Janet placed before him. 
 
 " Ah, ma'am !" said Quiddy, in a doleful 
 tone, " I am not in a state of mind to think 
 of eating." 
 
 " If you don't eat, you'll be ill," said Ja- 
 net, hesitatingly. 
 
 Had Quiddy instructed her what to say, 
 she could have said nothinc^ more suitable to 
 his purj^Dose. Unconsciously she played di- 
 rectly into his hand. He shook his head 
 mournfully and gi'untcd a sigh. IMrs. San- 
 derson was silent. 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 34 PHENEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " No supper last night ! no breakfast this 
 morning!" continued Janet. 
 
 Mrs. Sanderson looked queerly at the loaf 
 and the butter, which she thought to be un- 
 accountably curtailed of their fair propor- 
 tions, considering the fact just noticed by 
 Janet; whilst Quiddy, putting his handker- 
 chief to his eyes, rose and went into the 
 shop, saying — " The sooner I'm out of this 
 world the better, for I've nothing in it now 
 worth living for." 
 
 This exclamation, as well as the whole of 
 his conduct, he thought would be intelli- 
 gible to Mrs. Sanderson only ; unaware as 
 he was, that Janet had accidentally become 
 possessed of his secret. 
 
 " A sad aifair, indeed !" muttered Mrs. 
 Sanderson, drily. 
 
 Shortly after breakfast, ]\Irs. Sanderson, 
 who was too infirm to walk, desired Janet to- 
 fetch a hackney-coach. 
 
 Janet obeyed, wondering, by the way, 
 what could be the cause of so unusual an
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 35 
 
 order, the old woman not having quitted 
 the house for the hist ten months, or since 
 about two months after the death of her 
 husband. On her return, she found Mrs. 
 Sanderson prepared for her journey. 
 
 " Before you go out, ma'am," said Janet, 
 hesitatingly, "I — I have something to say, 
 and — " She paused. 
 
 " Well, Janet, what is it ?" 
 
 " There is something that weighs heavily 
 on my — " She had nearly said " heart," 
 but she suppressed the word, and substituted 
 " mind," and continued — " Last night I 
 made a resolution ; I am sure it is for the 
 best, and — " 
 
 "Well, my dear," said Mrs. Sanderson, 
 " I haven't time to listen to you now ; I am 
 going out, for two or three hours, about a 
 matter of consequence. I dare say we shall 
 be left to ourselves after supper : tell me 
 then." 
 
 Janet assisted her into the coach, which 
 drove away at the breakneck pace (ibr such 
 d2
 
 36 PHIXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 it was for such a vehicle in those days) of 
 two miles an hour. JNoiu^ in these times of 
 improvement, a hackney-coach will some- 
 times accomplish three — and do it with 
 ease. 
 
 But if Janet wondered at this event. 
 Quiddy Avas utterly confounded by it. 
 
 " Wliere can she be going f^ thought he. 
 " '\Yliat can she be going about ? I dare say 
 Janet knows." 
 
 " Janet," said he, aloud, " what's the old 
 'oman gone out about ?" 
 
 "It wasn't my business to inquire, Phi- 
 neas," replied she, mildly. 
 
 She sighed, and went into the house to 
 her work. 
 
 " I'll make it out, somehow or other," 
 muttered Quiddy. " It can't be about no 
 good, I'll answer for it." 
 
 At the expiration of three hours INIrs. • 
 Sanderson returned — but not in the same 
 coach. From this circumstance Quiddy 
 sagaciously inferred, that wherever she might 
 have been, her visit had been long, and the
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 37 
 
 distance short; nor was tliis inference weak- 
 ened by Ms observing that she gave the 
 driver no more than a shilling for her 
 ride. 
 
 Wliat is the reason why hackney-coach- 
 men have less alacrity in their movements 
 than other functionaries? Is it the quantity 
 of beer they drink that renders them lum- 
 bering and heavy? or the sedentary lives 
 they lead, being for hours together motion- 
 less on their seats, w^hereby they acquire a 
 sort of physical rust ? or (which is the most 
 probable explanation of the phenomenon) is 
 it the conscvquence of the pernicious example 
 they have constantly before their eyes, in 
 theu^ own stiff-jomted and unwilling hacks? 
 Leaving the question as a subject for a 
 "paper" to some retired ignoramus of a 
 linendi^aper, or greengrocer, or brushmaker, 
 who is allowed by the Royal Society to do 
 honour to British science in the eyes of 
 Europe, by pin^chasing of them the distin- 
 guished privilege of tackiiig F.E.S. to his
 
 38 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 name; wc will merely state, that while 
 Coachee was slowly turning up w^th his left 
 hand the right skirt of his heavy coat ; 
 slowly unbuttoning his breeches-pocket ; 
 slowly putting his right hand down into it, 
 till it reached nearly to his knee, and there 
 depositing his shilling; slowly rebuttoning 
 the pocket, and slowly putting liis foot on 
 the nave of the fore wheel of his coach — 
 whilst lie was occupied in doing all this, 
 Mrs. Sanderson had time to recjain her httle 
 back-parlour, and take her seat. 
 
 Quiddy availed himself of the opportu- 
 nity afforded by the delay to question 
 Coachee. 
 
 But Coachee, having probably been cau- 
 tioned against answering questions, and 
 being, moreover, like many of his class, a 
 wag in a certain way, the questioner " took 
 nothing by his motion." 
 
 " I say, Coachee," said the latter, " you 
 warn't the man as took up here three hours 
 ago?"
 
 39 
 
 " No," replied the other, " and for a most 
 
 uncommon reason." 
 
 "Indeed !" exclaimed Quiddy; " and what 
 may that be ?" 
 
 " 'Cause it icare somebody ilseT 
 
 " I don't want none of your jokes," said 
 Quiddy, somewhat angrily ; " I want to 
 know where you fetched the old lady from, 
 as you just set down here?" 
 
 Coachee, having by this time mounted 
 his box, answered, whilst adjusting the flaps 
 of his coat about his knees, and gathering 
 up the reins — 
 
 "I'm almost ashamed to tell you, for it 
 umre such a cruel queer place !" 
 
 Quiddy pricked up his ears and looked 
 all attention. 
 
 "May I never drink again," continued 
 Coachee, " if it warn't from a house with a 
 door to it. So you see, master, you arn't got 
 all the snuff in the world in your own shop, 
 for I'm up to a little." So saying, away 
 drove the wit.
 
 40 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 Qiiiddy, annoyed at tlie result of liis in- 
 quiries, resumed his post behind the counter : 
 his feehngs being something akin to those of 
 some patriotic M.P., who, " seeing the noble 
 
 lord at the head of the department in 
 
 his place, takes the opportunity of putting a 
 question of vital importance at the present 
 crisis;" to wliich he receives an answer 
 quite as much to the point, and fully as 
 satisfactory, as Coachee's to his interro- 
 gator. 
 
 Quiddy's head was distracted by guesses, 
 surmises, and conjectures, as to what could 
 have been the object of Mrs. Sanderson's 
 unusual visit abroad; but all to no purpose. 
 We, of course, are in the secret ; but, for the 
 present, are not at liberty to disclose more of 
 it, than that she went out for the purpose of 
 carrying lier resolution into effect, and that 
 she did so to its fullest extent. What was 
 its precise object, since she thought proper 
 to conceal it, we are too discreet to explain. 
 
 At two o'clock, their usual dinner-hour,
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 41 
 
 Janet called Quiddy to — We pause to 
 apologize. 
 
 The station in life of the parties ^ve are 
 engaged with, precludes us from the employ- 
 ment of numberless ornamental phrases and 
 expressions which tell with such wonderfrJ 
 effect when the world of fashion is the sub- 
 ject: we therefore are not allowed to speak 
 of the " banquet being served," or the " spa- 
 cious and brilliantly illuminated dining- 
 room;" of the " groaning board," or of 
 " delicacies of the season;" of " viands which 
 would have satisfied the palate of an Api- 
 cius," or of " wines for which the gods would 
 willingly have exchanged their nectar." This 
 assiu:edly is all very fine in its place -, but we 
 dare not here venture even upon so lofty a 
 flight as " dinner was announced." No, our 
 phrase must be humble as our theme ; for, as 
 Hamlet's instruction to the players to '' suit 
 the action to the word, the word to tlie 
 action," is founded on good sense and sound 
 judgment; so, and upon the same grounds,
 
 42 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 do wc hold it riglit to suit the style to the 
 subject. Such narrators, however, who think 
 it a very fnie tiling to be " fine," even upon 
 the meanest subject, have doubtless equally 
 good reason for their practice. 
 
 Well, then; at two o'clock, their usual 
 dining-hour, Janet simply said to Quiddy, 
 " Phineas, dinner's ready." 
 
 The repast consisted of the cold remains 
 of a leg of muttoli; and as Mrs. Sanderson, 
 with the practised eye of an old house- 
 keeper, dim though it were, perceived, the 
 instant the joint was placed upon the table, 
 that it had considerably diminished in size 
 since yesterday ; and reflected, moreover, 
 that it could not have become so much 
 smaller by any act of its own, she was nei- 
 ther astonished nor alarmed when Quiddy 
 again pleaded the state of his mind as the 
 reason for decliniuo; his food. 
 
 At tea-time the same game was played, 
 and again at supper. 
 
 Janet having left the room, the old
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRr. 43 
 
 woman, with a semblance of feeling, thus 
 addressed her disconsolate swain : — 
 
 " Phineas, you are behaving very fool- 
 ishly; do you intend to starve yourself to 
 death? You generally play a very good 
 part at table : you are as fond of eating as 
 any one I ever happened to meet with ; yet 
 here you haven't tasted a morsel since yes- 
 terday's dinner. You'll make yourself ill." 
 
 " Wliat does it signify, ma'am ?" said 
 Quiddy; " after what you said to me last 
 night I have no wish to live." 
 
 " Don't talk so, Phineas," said Mrs. San- 
 derson : " you are young, and will doutless 
 find some one who can retmii your affec- 
 tion." 
 
 " Oh, ma'am," exclaimed he, " I shall 
 never love again ; and if you are cruel — " 
 
 " Well, well," said Mrs. Sanderson. " But 
 here comes Janet ; say no more now ; go to 
 bed; a night's rest will do you good; and, as 
 to-morrow will be Sunday, you need not 
 get up very early in the morning."
 
 44 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 Quiddy took her hand, which he ten- 
 derly pressed; looked unutterable things, 
 and, with a deep sigh, betook himself (not 
 immediately to his bed, but) to his bed- 
 room — chuckling inwardly at what he con- 
 sidered to be the complete success of this 
 portion of his scheme, and anticipatmg a 
 brilliant result from that which yet re- 
 mained to be executed. 
 
 " My dear," said ]\Irs. Sanderson to Janet, 
 " go down stairs, put all the eatables into the 
 cupboard, lock the door carefully, and bring 
 me the key." 
 
 Janet, having done as she was bid, re- 
 tiu*ned. 
 
 "I promised to listen to-night to what 
 you have to say to me," said IMrs. Sanderson, 
 " but upon reflection, we had better leave it 
 till the morning. An unpleasant subject — 
 and such I suspect is yours — ought never to 
 be talked over at night: it is an uneasy 
 pillow to sleep upon ; but with a few hom^s 
 of dayhght and occupation before one, the
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 45 
 
 mind lias opportunity to settle itself down. 
 So go to bed, child." 
 
 " But I have a word to say to you — a con- 
 fession to m^ke, and I cannot rest till I have 
 done so. I overheard part of your conver- 
 sation with Phineas last night, and I think it 
 my duty to tell you so." 
 
 These words she uttered ingenuously, and 
 without the slightest hesitation. 
 
 " I suspected as much," said Mrs. San- 
 derson. 
 
 "But," continued Janet, "it was almost 
 by accident. I would not have my kind 
 mistress think me capable of so mean a thing 
 as to turn eavesdropper." 
 
 "You are a good girl, Janet," said the 
 other. " To-morrow I will hsten to the rest 
 you have to say." 
 
 " At any rate thafs off my mind, and I 
 feel myself a great deal happier for it," said 
 Janet, cheerfully. 
 
 We know not that the hapless lover was 
 a somnambulist, but certain it is, that no
 
 46 nilXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 sooner did he hear the two chamber-doors 
 close, than, as on tlie previous night, he 
 softly groped his way down to the kitchen, 
 and approached the famihar cupboard ; and 
 having, greatly to his disappointment and 
 mortification, assured himself that the door 
 was fast locked, and the key gone — with a 
 sigh, a real sigh that seemed to issue from 
 the lowest depth of his empty stomach, and 
 sounding like wind whistling through a hol- 
 low cavern — he pensively made his -svay 
 back again.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 47 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Our Hero's Scheme proceeds prosperously, though but 
 little to his personal Comfort. 
 
 The next morning (it was Sunday), when 
 Mrs. Sanderson came down to breakfast, she 
 found Janet, thoughtful and melancholy, 
 sittinoj in a corner of the room. In answer 
 to the inquiry. What ailed her ? Janet re- 
 plied that there was nothing the matter witli 
 herself; adding, 
 
 " But I fear poor Phineas is very ill ; for, 
 passing his room-door, I heard him groaning 
 piteously."
 
 48 PniXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " Poor fellow !" exclaimed Mrs. Sanderson, 
 with an air of concern, " something must be 
 done for him." 
 
 " Hadn't I better carry his breakfast up to 
 him?" inquired Janet. 
 
 " No," rephed the other, " Fll do that, after 
 we have taken our own. But go softly up 
 stairs and lock his door, as gently as you can 
 for fear of disturbing him, poor fellow ! The 
 key is always on the outside." 
 
 Janet obeyed the order, and redescended. 
 
 The Sunday morning meal was always 
 distinguished by some rare and exquisite 
 delicacy. Upon this occasion it was fried 
 bacon and eggs, the savoury fames of which 
 diffused themselves over all the house, pene- 
 trating through each cranny and crevice till 
 they saluted the nostrils of the hungry in- 
 valid — for, be it remembered, his last visit 
 to the pantry was a failure. He lay for some 
 time expecting a summons to breakfast ; 
 which, not arriving' a fierce strunc^le took 
 place between excited appetite and his re-
 
 OE, SHEER IXDrSTR. 49 
 
 solution to carry liis notable scheme througli 
 to its end. Trusting, however, to the sym- 
 pathy of the ladies, which he thought 
 would not permit him to lie there and starve, 
 he allowed the latter to prevail. 
 
 " There can't be no manner of doubt," 
 thought he, " that by this time I've made 
 the old woman beUeve I'm ill for love of her ; 
 I wonder whether she's talking about me ?" 
 
 He rose for the purpose of listening at 
 the stair-head, but was astonished at finding 
 his door locked withoutside. This unpre- 
 cedented circumstance, however, he con- 
 strued into what he called " a good sign." 
 
 "It's all right," thought he; ''she's bit, 
 and has locked the door to prevent my 
 being disturbed." 
 
 Mrs. Sanderson seemed purposely to liave 
 protracted breakfast considerably beyond the 
 usual time of its duration; nor was it till 
 more than an hour had elapsed that, rising 
 from table, she exclaimed — 
 
 '' Noic I'll go myself and see how lie is. 
 
 VOL. I. E
 
 50 PHIXEAS quiddy; 
 
 In the mean time, Janet, do you go and fetch 
 Doctor Mc Squills." And she hobbled up 
 stairs. 
 
 Her first three or four taps at the door 
 Quiddy pretended not to hear. At length, 
 in a faint voice, he inquired, " Wlio's there?" 
 Having received the information \vhich he 
 did not need, and answered in the afl&rma- 
 tive Mrs. Sanderson's inquiry whether she 
 might come in, he adjusted his nightcap in 
 the most interesting and becoming manner 
 imaginable, and summoned up the most 
 pathetic look he could command. 
 
 The old woman entered, and drew a chair 
 close to his bedside. After looking at him 
 for a few seconds, and shaking her head, she 
 began — 
 
 " You are looking very ill, Pliineas." 
 
 " I shouldn't wonder, ma'am," repUed he, 
 in a voice scarcely audible. 
 
 " And do you feel ill ?" 
 
 " Uncommon, ma'am." 
 
 " You are evidently very weak, very
 
 51 
 
 feeble; but that is not extraordinary, con- 
 sidering you liaven't taken any thing since 
 the day before yesterday at dinner." (So 
 he imagined he had led her to beheve.) 
 "Do you want to kill yourself?" continued 
 she.. " Only think ! should any thing happen 
 to you^ what is to become of me ? Who 
 will remain to take care of me? But I de- 
 serve it; it was my unkindness that brought 
 him to this condition." 
 
 " Oh, ma'am ! Oh, Mrs. Sanderson !" ex- 
 claimed he, imboldened by the tenderness of 
 her manner ; " though I say it that shouldn't 
 say it — " 
 
 Suddenly recollecting that he was a httle 
 too vigorous in utterance for a love-stricken 
 invalid, he abruptly lowered his voice, and 
 continued — 
 
 " When I'm dead and gone, there won't 
 be nobody left behind me as will love you 
 half as much as I do." 
 
 " Well, well," said she, covering her face, 
 and holding out to him one hand Asdiilst the 
 E 2 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF
 
 52 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 other she phicecl across her heavy silver- 
 rimmed spectacles, to conceal, as he fancied, 
 a tear; "Well, well, we will not talk any 
 more of this at present; wait till you are 
 quite well again, and — . Ah me ! I'm a 
 foolish old woman !" 
 
 These last words she uttered as if to her- 
 self, rather than as addressed to him, yet just 
 loud enoudi for him to hear them. 
 
 " I've done it," thought he ; and he 
 chuckled inwardly at the success of his 
 scheme. 
 
 " And novv^, Phineas, you must do me a 
 favour." 
 
 " Favour ? What wouldn't I do for 
 you?" said he, squeezing the hand he had 
 taken. 
 
 " I know you will be doing yourself a 
 violence ; but to oblige me — " 
 
 " Any thing to oblige you, dear Mrs. San- 
 derson." 
 
 " Well, then, you must take some break- 
 fast. But, as you are not yet quite well
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. b6 
 
 enougli to get up, you sliall have it in 
 bed;' 
 
 Consistently witli his scheme, this was a 
 favour he would have refused; but raven- 
 ously hungry as he was (for really he had 
 eaten nothinc^ since the dinner he had 
 smuggled nearly four-and-twenty hours be- 
 fore), he, after a faint objection or two, 
 kindly consented to grant it. 
 
 " That is very good of you," said Mrs. 
 Sanderson. " And now one thing'more : this 
 is my birthday, as you may remember ; we 
 have a hot roast goose for dinner ; you must 
 exert yourself to come down and eat some." 
 
 Quiddy's eyes sparkled, and his lips 
 watered at the mere mention of the object 
 which, of all others, dead or alive (money 
 only excepted), he loved best in all the 
 world. To this again he thought proper at 
 first to offer an objection, knowing full well 
 his objection would be overruled. 
 
 " We shall not dine till three o'clock," 
 said Mrs. Sanderson : " remain abed till
 
 54 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 tlien : three or four hours' quiet repose will 
 make quite another man of you. Ill take 
 care that no one comes to disturb you. And 
 now," said she, rising, " 111 send Janet up 
 with a nice little breakfast for you that won t 
 do you any harm. May I trust to your pro- 
 mise that you will eat it ?'' 
 
 " Solemn, ma'am !" said Quiddy, in a tone 
 and with a look which would have assured 
 the most incredidous of his sincerity. 
 
 " But be cautious," continued the consider- 
 ate old woman, " be very cautious ; for, as I 
 said before, you haven't taken food for nearly 
 eight-and-forty hours, so don't eat too much 
 at once : part now and part by and by ; you 
 are still in a very delicate state." 
 
 As Mrs. Sanderson opened the door, the 
 odour of fried bacon and ciro's a2;ain rose 
 excitiiigly to the olfactory nerves of the sick 
 lover; but there was scarcely need of this 
 to whet the akeady keen edge of his appe- 
 tite. 
 
 " I've done it," said lie, rubbing his hands
 
 OK, SHEER INDUSTRY. 55 
 
 exultingly, as he heard his fair one making 
 her way down stairs ; " I've done it ! How 
 nicely I have come over her ! Every stick 
 and stiver she has got in the world is mine ! 
 Well, if I arn't a 'cute un I'm a Dutchman, 
 that's all." s^ 
 
 Presently a gentle tap was heard at the 
 door. Quiddy hastily turned himself in his 
 bed with his face to the wall. 
 
 " Come in," said he, reassuming his invahd 
 voice. 
 
 " I am glad to hear you are a little better," 
 said Janet, placing his breakfast on the chair 
 at his bed-side. 
 
 " A httle," said he, without turning to look 
 at the speaker. 
 
 " Mrs. Sanderson desires you will take your 
 breakfast and then go to sleep : nobody will 
 disturb you till dinner-time." And having 
 said this, Janet left the room, closed the door, 
 and locked it. 
 
 Quiddy listened till the footsteps of Janet 
 were no longer audible, when, cao-er for his
 
 56 rHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 meal, he leaped out of bed. But who shall 
 conceive his disappointment, his dismay, his 
 horror, on perceiving that, instead of the 
 substantials he expected, the breakfast 
 which his considerate friend had provided 
 for him consisted of nothing more than a 
 small cup of very Aveak tea, without either 
 sugar or milk, and two thin slices — slices f 
 no, that word would convey an exaggerated 
 idea of their bulk — two exquisitely fine 
 shavings of bread-and-butter, which seemed 
 to have been pared off the loaf by the deli- 
 cate application of a carpenter s plane. 
 
 For a time he stood motionless, gazing on 
 the awful sight before him ; at length, having 
 in some deirree recovered from the terror 
 with whicli this ghost of a breakfast had 
 inspired him, he rubbed his eyes, and shook 
 and scratched his head, as if to assure him- 
 self that he was actually awake. But there 
 was no mistake upon that point. What was he 
 to do ? Submit to starvation, or, by a sudden 
 and premature recovery, endanger the final
 
 OK, SHEER INDUSTRY. 57 
 
 success of his trick, which, up to this mo- 
 ment, he looked upon as in a prosperous 
 way ? 
 
 " It is not yet eleven," thought he, " and 
 I have four hours to suffer till dinner-time. 
 Well ! I must bear it as I may : it is but 
 once in a way. I have completely come over 
 the old woman by it, that's one comfort ; 
 and when I get opposite to the goose. 111 
 take my revenge upon that — and that's an- 
 other." 
 
 Consoling himself with these reflections, 
 he swallowed the provisions set before him — 
 an operation which he found to be neither 
 difficult nor long; — and returned to bed. But 
 his "unreal mockery" of a breakfast served 
 rather to increase than allay the pangs of 
 hunger; and as the sweetest tempers are not 
 all proof against the provocations of an empty 
 stomach, his, which certainly could not be 
 reckoned in that class, was irritated in the 
 extreme. Starved almost into repentance of 
 his ingenious expedient, he lay fretting and
 
 58 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 fuming, tumbling and tossing, in vain endea- 
 vouring to sleep away some portion of the 
 fearful four hours which stood between his 
 appetite and his dinner. And in this plea- 
 sant condition we will, for the present, leave 
 him, and attend to the ladies in the httle 
 back-parlour.
 
 OE, SHEER IXDUSTEY. 59 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 A short Chapter containing a short Confession — A 
 short Disression to Water-works and Tears — Short 
 
 o 
 
 Direction how to silence a Bore — And a short Apo- 
 logy for another Touch of the Unromantic. 
 
 " Akd now, my dear, that we are alone," 
 said ]\Irs. Sanderson to Janet — " By the by, 
 did you lock Phineas's door on the outside ?" 
 
 Janet repUed that she had done so. 
 
 " Then, as we are in no danger of inter- 
 ruption, tell me what is the important affair 
 you desired to speak to me about ?" 
 
 " Nothing," replied Janet.
 
 60 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 " Xo tiling !" exclaimed Mrs. Sanderson ; 
 " I hope you don't mean to say you have 
 been trifling with me ?" 
 
 " I have not, indeed I have not," said 
 Janet ; " when I told you I had something 
 particular to say to you, it was so. The 
 truth is, the night before last I made a reso- 
 lution ; last night I reflected on it, and 
 changed it." 
 
 " And what was it ?" inquired Mrs. San- 
 derson. 
 
 " I had resolved to leave you," replied 
 Janet. 
 
 " Leave me ! You never could have 
 thought of such a thing. But why ? AMiat 
 have I done to cause you even to think of 
 such a step ?" said Mrs. Sanderson, with 
 something of displeasure. 
 
 " You done ? You, ma'am, have ever 
 treatedme with kindness and affection ; but — " 
 Janet paused; her head sank upon her 
 bosom, and a tear stole gently down her 
 cheek.
 
 61 
 
 " Speak on, child," said Mrs. Sanderson, 
 kindly ; " speak to me without reserve ; trust 
 me; speak to me as to a friend — a mo- 
 ther." 
 
 Water for household purposes is sometimes 
 procurable only from a spring, and requires 
 the labour of pumping to get at it; some- 
 times it is more conveniently brought into 
 the house by means of pipes, and may be had 
 in any quantity, at a moment's notice, upon 
 merely turning a peg. So is it with tears. 
 With some women the lachrymal fount lies 
 deep ; others have their tears (to use the 
 language of the water- works) "laid on" — 
 brought up to the corner of their eyes — 
 ready to flow as soon as wanted. Li both 
 cases, the stream from the deeper source is 
 thought to be the purer. 
 
 Now Janet seldom wept. Neither a harsh 
 rebuke, nor any of the little troubles and 
 annoyances to which she was occasionally 
 subjected would ever draw a tear from her ;
 
 62 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 nor was she one of those interesting persons 
 who can " get up a cry," whenever an object 
 is to be gained, or an effect produced by it; 
 all which, hy the by, led the coarse niind 
 of Mr. Quiddy to set her down as " rather an 
 unfeeUng creechur." But touch her heart 
 with the rod of kindness, and water gushed 
 from it as from the rock. So (as upon a late 
 occasion) when Mrs. Sanderson had spoken 
 the words we have just recorded, Janet burst 
 into a good, honest cry. 
 
 This ebuUition Mrs. Sanderson did not 
 attempt to interrupt, well knomng that by 
 allowing her to have her cry fairly out, the 
 sooner it would be over. As with a dull, 
 tiresome, prosing bore, each word of inter- 
 ruption but serves him as a fresh starting- 
 pomt ; but deprive him of that advantage by 
 listening to him in profound silence, and you 
 will be astonished to fnid how mucli sooner 
 he will have exhausted his means of annoy- 
 ance.
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 63 
 
 Janet, having recomposed lierself, pro- 
 ceeded : — 
 
 " I did intend to leave you. By accident 
 I overheard some part of Pliineas's conver- 
 sation with you. I never again can be happy 
 under the same roof with him, and that 
 was my reason for resolving to quit this 
 house." 
 
 " Do you love him then ?" inquired Mrs. 
 Sanderson. 
 
 This was a plain question if ever one there 
 were ; and had Janet acted according to the 
 rules for such cases made and provided, she 
 ought, instead of meeting it with a plain 
 reply, to have looked down, or on one side, 
 or on the other side, and twiddled her thumbs 
 — in short, she ought to have looked amaz- 
 ingly silly, and held her tongue. But Janet 
 herself was — alas! in more than one sense — 
 a plain person ; and as she happened at the 
 time to be looking her interlocutor full in the 
 face, she continued to do so, and simply, and 
 without hesitation, replied, " I do."
 
 64 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 Love's vagaries, being vagaries, are not to 
 be accounted for upon any settled principle. 
 We oniglit have said, " De gustibus^' &c. 
 which would have answered our purpose 
 very well. And why did we not ? Because 
 we are projecting a Society for the prevent- 
 ing of Cruelty to Quotations, many of which, 
 poor things ! are so inhumanly overworked, 
 that they now and then deserve a hohday. 
 No matter: all we desire is to palliate, as 
 best we can, the choice made by poor Janet, 
 whose taste therein might otherwise suffer 
 in the opinion of those to whom we have in- 
 troduced her. 
 
 IMrs. Sanderson seemed to be reflecting 
 ■upon those two emphatic words, " I do," for 
 about as lono- a time as this little dio^ression 
 has occupied, and then said — 
 
 " I Avas sure of it ; I have long seen it ; 
 and since you are aware of what passed the 
 other night, I do not wonder that you wish to 
 be away from him : you can not be happy here 
 — at least, not as happy as you have been."
 
 OR, SHEER IXDUSTRY. 65 
 
 " No," saidJanet, witli a melancholy smile, 
 and a mournful shake of the head. 
 
 " Then why, after all, have you changed 
 your mind, and resolved to remain here in 
 spite of your own feelings ?" 
 
 " Because," replied Janet, " I have re- 
 flected that in this world we must consider 
 others' feelino^s as well as one's own. KI left 
 you you must take a stranger to you — one 
 who would be lono- before she understood 
 your wants and wishes as well as I do — j)er- 
 haps she never would. She would serve you 
 for hire, not for love — a cold substitute as 
 you soon would find — ^iid i/ou would be un- 
 happy. I am young, and better able than 
 you to bear — what must be borne. You 
 have been as a mother to me, and in repaying 
 your kindness with the duty and affection of 
 a daughter, I do just what I ought — and no 
 
 more." 
 
 This was the longest speech Janet had ever 
 delivered in her life, yet (which, in these 
 days of " wholly-unprepared-as-I-am-to-ad- 
 
 VOL. J. F
 
 6 6 PIIINE AS QUIDDY ; 
 
 dress-yoii" oratory, is not a little extraordi- 
 nary) not a line of it had been previously 
 arranged by herself, or composed for her 
 by another. It fell from her at the spur of 
 the moment, and was all made out of her 
 own — not head, but — heart. 
 
 " You are a good girl, Janet," said Mrs. 
 Sanderson, " a great deal too good for him. 
 However, one of these days, perhaps, he may 
 learn to value you as you deserve, and 
 then—" 
 
 At these words, Janet rose abruptly from 
 her chair, and looking at tlie little Dutch 
 clock, which hung in a corner of the room, 
 said, — 
 
 " It's time I should go and stuff the goose." 
 And away she went. 
 
 They who have derived their acquaint- 
 ance with nature, life, character and manners, 
 from the study of fashionable novels, will 
 probably object that, considering the state of 
 Janet's heart, and mind, and feelings, we have 
 sent her about a very unromantic occupation.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 67 
 
 Granted. But what else could we do ? We 
 might, indeed, have dismissed her to her 
 tambour-frame; or to the practice of Thal- 
 berg's last grand Sonata, or Madame Per- 
 siani's grand Scena ed Aria in the Lucia. 
 This, we own, would have been " sweetly 
 pretty," but it would not have been true; 
 nor even in a fictitious tale (which, we 
 hardly need say, this is not) would it have 
 been in the smallest degree truth-like, however 
 requisite to satisfy the wishes and expecta- 
 tions of the class of readers we have alluded 
 to. For their consolation, however, we can 
 assure them, that when poor, ugly little Janet 
 interrupted Mrs. Sanderson's discourse by 
 abruptly rising to go and thrust sage and 
 onions into a goose, she was moved thereunto 
 by as high- minded a purpose as need have 
 been had we called her the young and lovely 
 Lady Emmelina Eosevalley, and sent lier 
 forth to gather violets and primroses. She 
 was, in fact, acting upon the resolution which 
 we have already said she had determined to 
 F 2
 
 68 THINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 abide by, but which we may not even yet 
 divulge. The other — that contingent upon 
 the consent or wishes of Mrs. Sanderson — 
 we have just explained.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 A long Chapter, in which a marvellous Cure is 
 performed. 
 
 Return we now to Qiiiddy, whom we left 
 half-starved and restless, tiimbhng and tossing 
 in his bed. 
 
 Twelve o'clock ! At the end of an hour, 
 which, computed by the gnawings of hun- 
 ger, appeared to him a day, the clock struck 
 one — only one ! 
 
 '' Yet two hours till dinner-time," muttered 
 Quiddy ; '' I shall never live to see it." 
 
 A week elapsed and the clock struck two
 
 70 PHIXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 — only two! Yet another dreadful hour! 
 His resolution beo:an to falter. He started 
 from bed, and approached the door ; it was 
 still locked. 
 
 *' Nobody coming near me 1 Will they 
 leave me to starve ?" thouQ;ht he. 
 
 In the hope of attracting attention, he 
 paced heavily up and down his room, which 
 was immediately over the httle fcack-parlour ; 
 but, greatly to his disappointment, his move- 
 ments were unnoticed. 
 
 Again he approached the door, and his 
 sensitive nose detected the dehcious odour 
 of the goose which was twirling before the 
 kitchen -fire. This reanimated his cou- 
 rage. 
 
 " I'll carry it on to the end," thought he ; 
 " I've suffered so lono; that I'll bear the other 
 hour. I'll not spoil a ship for lack of a 
 ha'p'orth of tar, as the saying is. I've caught 
 the old woman in the trap. It is but an- 
 other hour, and then comes my reward. 
 Well, I am a 'cute 'un, I must say."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 71 
 
 And with these consoling reflections, he 
 again got into bed. 
 
 Alas! for the poor sulFerer. The end 
 was further off than he anticipated. 
 
 Presently there was a double knock at the 
 street-door. It was opened. He listened, 
 and, not a little to his alarm, he recognised 
 the voice of Doctor Mc Squills. 
 
 "What!" exclaimed he, in that which 
 must, by this time, have been perceived to 
 be his own eleirant vernacular; '^ What ! 
 has she took and sent for the doctor ! He'll 
 see with half an eye as there's nothing the 
 matter with me, and then the game's up." 
 
 A short conversation passed between Mrs. 
 Sanderson and the doctor, and in a few mi- 
 nutes they were heard ascending the stairs. 
 Quiddy huddled himself up in the bed- 
 clotlies, and pretended to sleep. The 
 key turned in the lock, and the pair en- 
 tered. 
 
 "He sleeps, poor fellow!" said Mrs. San- 
 derson to Doctor Mc Squills, accompanying
 
 7 2 PHINE AS QUIDDY ; 
 
 the words with a knowmg wink, which he 
 significantly returned. 
 
 " Qiiiddy!" said Mrs. Sanderson, in a tone 
 of affected tenderness, and stooping over the 
 pretended sleeper. 
 
 He replied not. 
 
 " Phineas! — Phineas, dear!"' continued she, 
 and with increased tenderness. 
 
 Still he remained silent. 
 
 " I don't like this sleep of his ; what think 
 you of it, Doctor?" said Mrs. Sanderson. 
 
 The doctor, be it premised, was a tall, 
 athletic Scot, who had passed several years 
 of his life in the exercise of his profession at 
 sea, in the merchant-service. He was some- 
 what of a wag ; had a comical twinkle in 
 the eye ; and a broad Scotch accent — broad 
 as his own shoulders. One feature, as a late 
 noble orator would probably liave called it, 
 — one feature for which he was remarkable 
 was his hand, which was disproportionately 
 large and of immense power; — as an in- 
 stance of this he could at a single grasp crush
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 73 
 
 a hard ship-biscuit into powder. He had 
 been an old friend of the late Sandy San- 
 derson; the widow had let hun into the 
 secret of Qiiiddy's pretended illness, and the 
 occasion of it ; and a better auxiliary in the 
 affair than Doctor Mc Squills she coidd not 
 have found. 
 
 " Not like this sleep !" exclaimed the doc- 
 tor; " on the contraTjj it's just the varra best 
 thing for the puir young mon that can be. 
 Nae, nae, just let him sleep his fill. He 
 mustna' be disturbed ; and, to prevent acci- 
 dent, I'll lock the door, put the key into my 
 ain pocket, and tak' it awa wi' me. Let 
 him sleep, I say; and to-night — the varra 
 last thing before I go to bed — I'll look in 
 again, and see how he's getting on." 
 
 At this fearful intimation a chill ran 
 through the very marrow of IMr. Quiddy ; 
 he shivered from head to foot, and thouaht 
 it high time to be wide awake. 
 
 " Who's there ?" inquired he, in a low 
 tone.
 
 74 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " 'Tis I, and Dr. Mc Sciuills;' replied Mrs. 
 Sanderson. 
 
 " I'm varra sorry to see you in this state," 
 said the doctor, taking a chair at the bed- 
 side. " Come, let me feel your pulse." 
 
 Quiddy, apprehensive of detection, reluc- 
 tantly held out his hand. 
 
 " This is nae affection o' the />odie," said 
 the doctor, after a few moments' reflection; 
 " he has nae bodily ailment; it is the mind, 
 Mrs. Sanderson, the mind. The piiir young 
 man has something that presses sairly at his 
 heart." 
 
 ]Mrs. Sanderson sighed ; and Quiddy, now 
 feeling assured of the ultimate success of his 
 scheme, ventured a tender look at her. 
 
 " Come, now, mak' confidants of IMrs. 
 Sanderson and me," continued the doctor; 
 " just tell us what it is that distresses you. 
 Remember we are your friends, so speak 
 out." 
 
 Mrs. Sanderson interposed, and requested 
 the doctor, for her sake, not to press him
 
 OE, SHEER IOT)USTRY. 75 
 
 upon that point — not, at least, for the pre- 
 sent. 
 
 " As you wull," said Mc Squills ; " but re- 
 member, that though there be no bodily ail- 
 ment just noo, I'll no answer for what may 
 come o' it. The patient must be treated 
 with the greatest care and attention, and 
 kindness, and — But I say, my young friend, 
 I'm told you are fule enough to refuse your 
 food. That mustna' be. Have you eaten 
 ony thing to-day ?" 
 
 Mrs. Sanderson answered for him, and 
 described the " nice, delicate httle breakfast" 
 with which she had supplied him. 
 
 " Wishy-washy tea !" exclaimed the doc- 
 tor ; " water bewitched ! Is that the 
 breakfast to give a sick mon? Is it wi' sic 
 trash ye'd keep the body and soul o' a mon 
 thegither ? I'll gar him swallow something 
 a wee bit better than that for his dinner, or 
 my name's not Archie Mc Squills. How's 
 your appetite, mon?"
 
 76 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 " I think I feel as if I could come down 
 and pick a bit," replied Quiddy. 
 
 " You shall pick a bit," said the doctor, 
 " but there'll be nae coming doon for you to- 
 day. You must ha' your dinner sent up, and 
 must tak' it in bed — and I'll just bring it to 
 you mysel'." 
 
 " You shall, doctor," said Mrs. Sanderson, 
 " for / can't persuade liim to take his meals. 
 And doctor," continued she, "if you can 
 make a dinner of hot roast goose and apple- 
 pie, and put up with a tumbler of whisky - 
 toddy afterwards, I shall be glad of your 
 company. This is my bu*thday, and I have 
 asked a neicfhbour or two to come in the 
 
 o 
 
 evening and eat the cold remains. Besides, 
 you will be better able to look to poor Phi- 
 neas." 
 
 " There's nae harm that I ken o' in hot 
 roast goose," replied the doctor, " and mickle 
 guid in whisky-toddy; so Im e'en wi' you, 
 widow; but as a professional mou, I maun
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 77 
 
 just tell you I canna, in conscience, recom- 
 mend cold goose for supper: it's the de'ils 
 ain bairn for indigestion." And drawing in 
 his breath, and emitting it again with a 
 sound something; between a hiss and a 
 whistle, he added, — " However, it's ae' com- 
 fort to think that what the neebors are like 
 to see o' the puir birdie cold, after Archie 
 Mc Squills has looked at it hot and reeking 
 from the fire, won't do them ony injury to 
 fash about." 
 
 " But your patient, doctor ?" said Mrs. 
 Sanderson, with an air of concern. 
 
 " I'll no conceal it," rephed the doctor, 
 " he's varra ill, but he'll be greatly better 
 after he has had his dinner. Don't you 
 think so yoursel', Meester Queddy ?" 
 
 " Certain — sure of it, doctor," replied the 
 latter. 
 
 " And now, Meester Queddy, just gi' me 
 your hand." 
 
 Quiddy extended his hand, which Mc 
 Squills seized in his huge right fist, shaking
 
 ( 8 PHINEAS QuroDY ; 
 
 it, and tightening his grasp at every pause 
 in his speech, till the water streamed from 
 poor Quiddy's eyes. 
 
 " Meester Queddy," said the doctor, 
 gravely, '' ye'rc varra ill — yell be a wee bit 
 better for your dinner ; — but — if by to-mor- 
 row morning — I don't mak' ye as weel as 
 ever ye were in your life — 111 consent — to 
 forfeit — my professional — reputation — 
 Meester— Queddy." 
 
 Hereupon the doctor and ]\Irs. Sanderson 
 left the room, the former locking the door, 
 and putting the key into his pocket. 
 
 " 111 just step home and get something 
 that may be needfu for our puir invaUd," 
 said the doctor, " and be back a^ain in iruid 
 time to pay my respects to the goose. And 
 Janet — " 
 
 He whispered something in the way of 
 an instruction to Janet, which she promised 
 punctually to obey. 
 
 In due time the doctor returned; dinner 
 was served, and he, the widow, and Janet,
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 79 
 
 placed themselves at table — the visiter taking 
 upon himself by far the largest share of the 
 labour of making^ the choose " look remark- 
 ably fuilish," as he expressed it. 
 
 Dinner ended, and the doctor having taken 
 his last pull at a pot of Scotch ale, he rose, 
 observing that it was now time to give 
 " Meester Queddy" his dinner, and desired 
 Janet to follow him up stairs with it. 
 
 The condition of the invalid, who passed 
 an hour in listening to the clatter of knives 
 and forks (his impatience aggravated by the 
 tantalizing odour of his favourite bird) may 
 — to use a phrase which is not of the newest — 
 be better conceived than described. At 
 length, greatly to his satisfaction, he heard 
 the approaching footsteps of Mc Squills. His 
 mouth watered by anticipation of what he 
 was about to enjoy. 
 
 The doctor entered the room and took a 
 seat. 
 
 " Weel, Meester Queddy, and how d'ye
 
 80 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 find yerscl' by this time, mon ? I hope ye're 
 in a condition to enjoy your dinner ?" 
 
 '•' T>ymg for it, doctor," eagerly replied 
 Quiddy. 
 
 '• An an2;el of a jzoose !" exclaimed the 
 doctor ; " done to a turn, and the stuffing 
 like a nosegay. Janet's a brae lassie, and — 
 but here she comes wi' your dinner, so sit up 
 in bed, mon, and prepare for it." 
 
 Janet appeared, bringing with her a huge 
 basin, covered with a plate, in which lay two 
 rusks. 
 
 " That's weel, Janet ; put it on yonder 
 table, bring the table to the bedside, and 
 leave me alone wi' my patient." 
 
 Janet did as she was told. At the same 
 time Mc Squills took from his pocket a pill- 
 box, and a phial filled with an ugly-coloured 
 liquid, both of which he placed beside the 
 basin. 
 
 ^' What's that ?" cried Quiddy, with min- 
 gled astonishment and horror, as the doctor
 
 81 
 
 removed the plate from the basin, and dis- 
 covered about a quart of thin water-gruel. 
 
 " Your dinner," coolly replied tlie doctor : 
 " some nice wholesome water-gruel, without 
 sugar or spice (for sic condiments would be 
 bad for your complaint), and twa delicate 
 wee rusks." 
 
 " That my dinner T said, or rather 
 screamed, the famishing invalid. 
 
 " Thae fuilish women !" said the doctor, 
 not replying to this question, but dehberately 
 stirrino- the o^ruel, " thae fuilish women ! to 
 gie' a sic bodie vfishy-washy tea, when there's 
 siccan a thing; to be had as o-uid comfortable 
 gruel. Then, they'd ha' gone as far wide o' 
 the mark the ither way : they'd ha' sent you 
 Lord knows what quantity of the goose, 
 whilk wud ha' jzone nidi to be the death o' 
 yoLi, if I liad not providentially been here 
 to prevent it. And noo, Meester Queddy, eat 
 your dinner." 
 
 " Doctor ! doctor !" said Quiddy implor- 
 ingly, " don't make me swallow that horrid 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 82 PHDnEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 stuff ; I'm better, mucli better, and feel my 
 appetite returning." 
 
 "I ken itweel, right weel," said the doctor; 
 " I just expected to hear you say so : it is ane 
 of the remarkable symptoms of your case. But 
 this is aw ye'll be gettin' this blessed day, so 
 lap it up, mon, lap it up." 
 
 " Oh, doctor !" continued Quiddy, '^ do you 
 wish to kill me ?" 
 
 " Just the contrary," replied the other ; 
 " I intend to cure you : I have staked my 
 professional reputation upon making a soimd 
 mon o' ye by the morning, and 111 do it. 
 Come, leave your wry faces and eat your 
 gruel." 
 
 ^' It's stuff I never could abide ; I can't 
 take it, and I won't," said Quiddy, reso- 
 lutely. " Any thing but that I would have 
 taken." 
 
 ^' Weel, weel," said Mc Squills, " lean mak' 
 great allowance for the dehcate stomach o' 
 a sick mon, so I have provided a little variety 
 — a choice for you, my guid friend."
 
 83 
 
 He opened the pill-box, drew tlie cork 
 from the phial, and added, " Ye'll just please 
 to swallow thae three blue pills, and, to prevent 
 their sticldng i' your throat, here's a comfort- 
 able black draught to wash 'em down wi'." 
 
 Quiddy started up on the bed, and throw- 
 ing himself on his knees, cried, " Doctor 
 Mc Squills — my dear doctor — hsten to me — 
 I'll confess every thing to you — I'm not in 
 the least — " 
 
 " Meester Queddy," said the doctor, put- 
 ting his huge arm across the chest of the 
 former, and throwing him down on his back 
 upon the bed; "Meester Queddy, I have 
 nothing to do wi' your confessions ; I'm no a 
 parson, but a doctor. All I have to do is to 
 cure you ; so — come — choose yoiu- clinner, 
 and quickly, for I want to go down to my 
 wliisky-toddy." 
 
 Quiddy was about to remonstrate, when 
 
 Mc Squills, rising to his full height, and 
 
 grasping him by the shoidder, which he 
 
 pressed till he made the very tips of Quiddy's 
 
 g2
 
 84 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 fingers tingle, firmly and deliberately ad- 
 dressed these words to him : — 
 
 " Hark ye, Meester Queddy, I'm no' to be 
 trifled wi' ; I am a professional mon ; you 
 complained of being varra ill, and I was sent 
 for to cure you. I ken as Aveel as you do 
 what ails you, and mickle better than you do 
 how to treat your complaint. Xoo — ye'U 
 tak' either the gruel or the physic before twa 
 minutes are past — nae mair — " [He drew^ 
 his watch from his fob, and held it in his 
 hand] — '' or, by St. Andrew I swear, I'll just 
 brak every bone i' your bodie !" 
 
 Resistance was in vain, so Quiddy set to 
 with the best grace he could to swallow the 
 gruel (that being a little less repugnant to his 
 taste than the pills and the potion), the doctor 
 encouraging him by occasionally exclaiming, 
 " That's right, mon, lap it up, lap it up." 
 
 " That's my brae lad !" cried the doctor, 
 wlio overlooked his patient till he had taken 
 the last spoonful. " It's half-past four : I'm 
 thinking ye'll no be wanting ony thing mair
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 85 
 
 till supper-time — indeed, ye'll no' get ony 
 thing mair if you sliould — so I'll pay you 
 another visit at half-past ten, just before I go 
 away ; and I ha' some hope that by the 
 morning ye'll be aw weel again. So noo I'll 
 go down to my whisky-toddy." 
 
 Saying which, the doctor quitted the 
 room, locked the door, and again put the 
 key into his pocket. 
 
 Having, with ludicrous gravity, assured 
 the widow, in reply to her inquiry con- 
 cerning the "poor sufferer" (which Janet 
 seconded with her looks), that he was so far 
 out of danger that they need not "fash" 
 themselves about him, but, on the contrary, 
 might make themselves perfectly easy and 
 comfortable ; he proceeded to assist towards 
 that desirable end by mixing for the party a 
 jug of the promised beverage. Soon the ex- 
 pected guests arrived ; and the evening, which 
 was terminated by supper, passed off merrily 
 — the doctor being the life and soul of the 
 company.
 
 86 PHIXEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 Janet, indeed, contributed nothing to tlie 
 general stock of mirth, and partook but 
 little in it. In addition to her own personal 
 grief, which was yet fresh at her heart, she 
 was uneasy at Quiddy's illness, of the reahty 
 of which she entertained not the slightest 
 doubt j thinking (poor simple-minded girl!) 
 that it was no more possible for a person to 
 act a deliberate lie, than to tell one. X 
 
 Now and then she aj)proached Mc Squills, 
 and asked him, in a Avhisper, whether she 
 had not better go up and see if Phineas 
 wanted any thing ; to which the doctor s 
 reply invariably was, " Bide where ye are, 
 lassie, and leave aw^ that to me." 
 
 But how w^as it, during all this time, in 
 the sick chamber ? Quiddy, with six dismal 
 hours before him — (for the doctor s resolute 
 conduct and imperturbable manner had con- 
 vinced him that he had no mercy to exj)ect 
 at his hands, or the abbreviation by even a 
 poor five minutes of the period appomted 
 for his next visit) — Quiddy, we say, had
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 87 
 
 plenty of time for reflection, the result of 
 whicli was a keen suspicion that his masterly 
 stratao^em was a dead failure. He could 
 scarcely doubt that the shrewd Scot had 
 seen through the trick ; nor, when he heard 
 the lady of his love joining in the loud and 
 frequent laugh below, was he without some 
 disagreeable misgivings that her lately ex- 
 pressed concern for his indisposition was 
 about as genuine as that indisposition itself. 
 
 As evening drew in, darkness added to 
 the discomforts of his situation ; and when 
 at length the clattering of knives, forks, and 
 plates, intimated that preparations were afoot 
 for supper, he could endure it no longer : the 
 contrast of the pleasures and enjoyments of 
 the party below with his own sufferings — his 
 now real sufferings — was intolerable. He 
 bitterly repented of his " amazmg clever- 
 ness" which had led to consequences so 
 miserably different from those upon which 
 he had calculated, and resolved at once to 
 confess his imposture and beg for mercy.
 
 88 PHINEAS QuroDY; 
 
 With this intention he leapt out of bed, and 
 set to thumping at the door, calling aUer- 
 nately upon Mrs. Sanderson, Janet, and the 
 doctor, to come and Hberate him. But he 
 thumped and called in vain. Enraged at 
 this neglect, he redoubled the noise. After a 
 time, he thought he heard some one coming 
 up stairs. He paused to listen. It was 
 Mc Squills. Mc Squills gave a gentle tap at 
 the door, and, in an under- voice said — 
 
 "Meester Queddy — Meester Queddy — // 
 you happen to be awake ^ this is to inform you 
 that it is no' but nine o'clock. I promised 
 to bring you your supper at half-past ten, 
 and will keep my word to the varra minute. 
 Noo, if you happen to be awake, take the 
 advice of your friend and physeecian, and go 
 patiently to sleep till then. I'll just assure 
 you it will be aw the better for you. So, 
 hoping I mak myself intelligible, good night 
 for the present — Meester — Queddy." 
 
 Quiddy, who liad already suflicient ex- 
 perience of the hopelessness (to say nothing
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 89 
 
 of the danger) of refusing compliance with 
 the advice of his hard-fisted "friend and 
 physeecian," " thought it both safest and 
 best" to take his hint; so he sulkily threw 
 himself down on his bed, and there lay 
 " chewing the cud of sweet and bitter 
 fancies," till his appointed supper-time. 
 
 Punctual to the minute, at half-past ten, 
 Doctor Mc Squills returned to his patient. 
 He silently took his seat, and placed a lighted 
 candle, together with the fearful phial and 
 pill-box, upon the table. 
 
 " Weel, my guid friend, and how do you 
 find yourser by this time ?" was his first 
 kind inquiry. 
 
 Quiddy, who had resolved to try whether 
 a change of tactics would tend to the ame- 
 lioration of his unhappy condition, at once 
 replied that he felt himself considerably 
 better — perfectly well, indeed, except that 
 he was faint " for want of his wittles," as he 
 expressed it. 
 
 " Exactly what I expected," said Mc
 
 90 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 Squills ; " and I'm liappy to tell you that's a 
 varra favourable symptom, varra — one of 
 the certain results o' my system. Come, let 
 me feel your pulse. Ila ! it's aw right, and 
 I can tell exactly what your sensations are. 
 In the first place, you feel — noo, dinna 
 attempt to deceive me, but answer truly — 
 you feel nae sort o' incHnation for sic anither 
 mess o' gruel for your supper, as I gar'd you 
 swallow for your dinner ?" 
 
 " I could not even bear the sight of it, 
 doctor," replied Quiddy, shuddering. 
 
 " Anither o' the results o' my system, and 
 a varra favourable symptom also. I've pro- 
 vided your supper accordingly. In the se- 
 cond place," continued Mc Squills, gravely, 
 and still keeping his fingers on his patient's 
 pulse, " in the second place, you feel your 
 appetite a wee bit improved." 
 
 " Vastly, doctor," was the reply. 
 
 "Anither o' the results of my system, and 
 a favourable symptom again. In short, 
 Meester Queddy, you feel as if you could
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 91 
 
 almost devour the hard e£^£r, and the wee bit 
 o' dry toastee, and the cup o' milk-and-water, 
 that — and here comes Janet wi' it. That's 
 weel, lassie ; put it on the table, and leave 
 us. This is sometliing better than gruel, 
 ech, sir ? Little by little we get on, you ob- 
 serve ; and I have great hopes that to- 
 morrow morning ye'll just be weel enough to 
 go doon and open the shop, and attend to 
 your business, and mak' as guid a breakfast 
 as at ony time before your present alarming 
 indisposition." 
 
 " Doctor," said Quiddy (the tears forced 
 from his eyes by vexation and disappoint- 
 ment), " I'm well noib\ as well as ever I was 
 in my life ; and, if I'm to have nothing more 
 than this till the morning, I shall — " 
 
 "Hand your tongue, mon, hand your 
 tongue ; wud you have me be the death o' 
 ye by overloading your stomach on d sudden. 
 Slow and sure, Meester Queddy. Plague, 
 mon ! wud you pretend to know better than 
 the doctor what's guid for your complaint ?
 
 92 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 This is all I shall allow you to-night ; so 
 come, sir, choose your supper, and quickly, 
 for it's getting late." 
 
 These words the doctor accompanied with 
 a significant glance at the phial and pill-box. 
 
 Quiddy, as a last hope, roared out " Doctor, 
 doctor, I had better confess than be starved. 
 I am not ill ; I have been well from the first ; 
 I have deceived you, and — " 
 
 " Nae, nae, mon, dinna insist upon that, if 
 you have ony regard for your personal com- 
 fort, or I'll no' leave you a whole bone i' 
 your skin, e'en were they all made of iron 
 pokers. You are a 'cute bairn, INIeester 
 Queddy, but not quite siccan a conjurer as 
 to deceive old Archie Mc Squills. So come, 
 quick, to your supper." 
 
 It was evident to Quiddy that his medical 
 adviser would take no denial ; so of the 
 choice of delicacies presented to him, he de- 
 cided for — we need hardly say fiot those of 
 the doctor s own preparing. 
 
 Having waited till Quiddy had finished
 
 OR, SHEER IXDUSTRY. 93 
 
 his meal — a work tliat required no very long 
 time — 
 
 " That's weel," said the doctor, rising, and 
 taking np the candle. " And noo, Meester 
 Queddy, let me once more remind you, I 
 have undertaken to cure you of your present 
 ailment by to-morrow morning. I shall pay 
 you a visit at nine o'clock ; and if I fmd that 
 my present system is too mild by itself, I 
 shall back it wi' a leetle pheesicking, bleed- 
 in<y, and blistering, and we shall see what 
 virtue there is in that. So, o-uid nioht, and 
 pleasant dreams to you — Meester — Queddy." 
 
 The doctor reported progress to the widow, 
 and delivered to her the key of the invahd's 
 door, which he had locked "for fear," as he 
 gravely expressed himself, "for fear the puir 
 fellow should walk i' the night, and help 
 himself at the cupboard, to the manifest 
 detriment o' my system ;" adding, " And if, 
 after the hint I ha'e gi'en him of tlie leetle 
 variety I intend in my treatment of his case, 
 I don't find liim weel enoucjh i' tlie mornins^
 
 94 PIIINEAS quiddy; 
 
 to eat my old boots for his breakfast rather 
 than undergo it, I'll consent to pass for a 
 quack aw the rest o' my life. And so guid 
 night, widow ; guid night, lassie." 
 
 Quiddy was a young gentleman of ex- 
 quisite sensibility — a "man of feehng;" and 
 had there been no other human creature in 
 the world besides himself, he might have been 
 called, in the most extensive sense of the 
 word, a philanthropist — a lover of all man- 
 kind. But, unluckily for his claim to that 
 title, matters Avere not so ordered : there 
 were millions in the world besides Phineas 
 Quiddy; and as the range of his sympathies 
 was Hmited to a circle so small as to admit 
 within it nobody but Phineas Quiddy him- 
 self — no fault of his, perhaps — we may be 
 justified, under these circumstances, in setting 
 him down as a thoroughly selfish rascal. 
 
 How intense, therefore, upon this occasion, 
 was his sympathy with himself; how acutely 
 he felt the — But, as we entertain no respect 
 for those tastes that dulight in the descrip-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 95 
 
 tion of suffering, whether mental or bodily, 
 wound up to tlie highest pitch of endurance, 
 we will not gratify them by detailing the 
 sufferings of Quiddy durmg another long 
 night of privation and unrest — they being 
 aggravated by vexation to think that he 
 was the dupe and the victim of his own 
 clever contrivance. 
 
 At seven o'clock Janet knocked at his 
 door. She was the bearer of an inquiry 
 from Mrs. Sanderson, whether he Avas any 
 thing "better, and a recommendation from tJie 
 considerate old lady, that, if not, he would 
 keep his room for another day — she under- 
 taking, with the assistance of Janet, to get 
 through the business of the shop. But 
 Quiddy was happy to inform them that he 
 was so well that he should be quite ashamed 
 to put either of them to so much trouble; 
 and declared that, if Janet would unlock 
 the door, he would be down stairs in 
 that short period of time which he graphi- 
 cally designated "a jiffy." Janet, accord- 
 ingly, did unlock the door, and Quiddy
 
 96 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 dressed himself and descended to liis 
 duties. 
 
 AYhen breakfast was ready, Mrs. Sander- 
 son came down, and took her place at the 
 table. Quiddy being called, entered the 
 room, and (looking pale, haggard, and ex- 
 ceedingly sheepish), slunk, or we might al- 
 most say, shrunk into his chair, y^ 
 
 " Phineas," said the old woman, " I'm glad 
 to see you down again. Considering what 
 you have suffered, you are looking charm- 
 ingly, I declare. There is a little broiled 
 bacon for you : if you feel yom'self well 
 enough to pick a bit, do;" (adding, with a 
 sneer,) " if not, there is more gruel in the 
 house, my dear." 
 
 Phineas, confused and abashed, mumbled 
 somethino' which was received as an intima- 
 tion of his preference for the former : and 
 instantly upon its being placed before him, 
 he attacked it with a vigour that proved, 
 that whatever might have been the case with 
 respect to his illness, his hunger was not 
 feigned.
 
 97 
 
 As the clock struck nine, faitliful to his 
 promise, there was Doctor Mc Squills. Just 
 bobbing his head by way of salutation, but 
 saying nothing, he drew from his pockets^ 
 and displayed on the table, a case of lancets, 
 three large phials neatly wrapped in paper, 
 a box of pills, and two blisters of ample 
 dimensions, the very sight of which caused 
 Mr. Quiddy to feel a tingling all over his 
 chest and shoulders. 
 
 " And noo, Meester Queddy, how do you 
 feel yoursel' by tliis time?" 
 
 "Well, sir, quite well," eagerly rephed 
 the other, and trembling from head to 
 foot ; "I have no need of any of that 
 'ere." 
 
 " Fm right glad o' it," said the doctor, 
 " for it saves me some trouble and yourseF 
 no little inconvenience. You see I am true to 
 my word, and prepared for the worst. And 
 yet," continued he, drily, and taking up one 
 of the blisters, " I'm just thinking that for fear 
 of a relapse, there'd be nae inuckle harm, 
 
 VOL. I. n
 
 98 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 but on the contrary, some possible guid 
 in—" 
 
 Quiddy interrupted the doctor, by assur- 
 ing him in the most positive terms, that 
 there was nothing of that kind to be appre- 
 hended, for that the kind and skilM treat- 
 ment he had already received at his hands 
 had made a man of him again ; and in tliis 
 opinion he was supported by ^Irs. Sander- 
 son, who expressed her opinion that Phineas, 
 having made a tolerable breakfast, had no 
 further need of his assistance. 
 
 " Aw the better, aw the better — for the 
 patient, I mean," rephed Mc Squills; and 
 whilst speaking, he quietly replaced his 
 various remedies in his j^ocket. 
 
 " And noo, Meester Queddy, I've to say 
 that I'm mightily puzzled aboot the nature 
 of your late distemper. I never met with 
 the Hke o't in the whole course of my ex- 
 perience. But it has this point about it in 
 common with the sma'pox ; that, as I flatter 
 mysel' I have worked it radically out o'
 
 OR, SHEER IOT)USTRY. 99 
 
 your system, ye'll be no likely to be takin it 
 again in a hurry. So, guid-by — Meester — 
 Queddy." 
 
 Witli a wink to the widow, and a nod to 
 Janet, Doctor Mc Squills departed j and the 
 chapfallen lover proceeded to his avocations 
 behind the counter. 
 
 " I think we have cured him of his foolery 
 of dying of love for his grandmother," mut- 
 tered the w^idow, as Quiddy left the room ; 
 and he, who heard the words, made up his 
 mind from that moment to abandon the 
 pursuit, and never to repeat the experiment. 
 
 n 'Z
 
 100 THINEAS QUIDDY: 
 
 CHAPTEE VII. 
 
 Sheer Industry prospers — Ominous Visit — A clear Case 
 of " Pumping" — A 3Iystery solved — A DigTession 
 for the benefit of Younger Sons — A very confidential 
 Communication. 
 
 Some months had bow passed away, 
 diirmg which the members of this interest- 
 ing family (whatever might have been their 
 real and individual feehngs) conducted 
 themselves towards each other precisely as 
 they had done previously to Quiddy's un- 
 successful declaration to Mrs. Sanderson. 
 
 Disappointed in his matrimonial scheme 
 of increasing his possessions, Quiddy applied
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 101 
 
 himself with redoubled activity to business ; 
 more particularly to that portion of it — by 
 far the larger and more profitable one — 
 which consisted in assisting his needy friends 
 and neighbours with small loans of money. 
 Of this Mrs. Sanderson was ignorant, as 
 her late husband had been ; and it being 
 Quiddy's own original invention, he thought 
 himself justified in keeping the profits of it 
 entirely to himself Those profits were now 
 not inconsiderable ; for as the means of our 
 capitalist increased, he extended the sphere 
 of his financial operations, and enlarged 
 their amount. He would lend, at fair legal 
 interest, fifty — nay, such was his benevo- 
 lence! even a hundred pounds to a smaU 
 tradesman in distress, requiring nothing 
 more than a deposit of property worth 
 thrice as much, for his security, and (what 
 he called) a dowser for the use of his money. 
 This dowser, or douceur^ was made to vary 
 with circumstances, from twenty to thirty 
 per cent. ; and it must be said, in Quiddy's
 
 102 PHIXEAS quiddy; 
 
 commendation, that he seldom bargained for 
 more — unless he thouc^ht he could i^et it. 
 
 Including his share of the stock of rappee 
 and pigtail, young Quiddy, who had had the 
 good fortune to begin the world with no- 
 thing, might now be set down as worth a 
 round thousand pounds — considerably more 
 than the amount and value of all the earthly 
 possessions of his predecessor after forty 
 years of foolish equitable trading. 
 
 When Law, Physic, and Divinity are all at 
 once busy about a house, it is pretty clear 
 that something uncomfortable is going on 
 therein. So was it at Widow Sanderson's. 
 The old lady, wlio for several weeks had 
 been confined to her room, and for the last 
 three of them to her bed, received visits, on 
 the same evenini;^, from her doctor, her 
 attorney, and the parson of the parish. Yet 
 there was no immediate danger; for Dr. 
 Mc Squills had assured her that she might 
 linger on for months — taking care, however,
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 103 
 
 like a cautious prognosticator, to hedge liis 
 opinion with tlie trifling qualification — or 
 that she might go out like the snufF of a 
 candle. Under these circumstances the pa- 
 tient thought it prudent to be prepared at 
 all points for the worst ; so she sent for her 
 lawyer, Mr. Grubb, to set her mind at ease 
 touching her worldly affairs ; and having 
 dismissed liim, devoted the remainder, of the 
 evening to matters of still graver importance 
 with the Reverend Job Fag, curate of the 
 parish. 
 
 As the lawyer was descending the stairs 
 to give place to the divine, he was invited 
 by Quiddy into the little back-parlour. 
 
 ''- Walk in, Mr. Grubb, will you ?" said 
 Quiddy. 
 
 The lawyer made no reply but entered. 
 
 " You and me haven't had a chat for a 
 very long time," said Quiddy. 
 
 " No," said Grubb, drily. 
 
 " Come — sit down, Mr. Grubb," said 
 Quiddy, taking a seat, and pointing to a
 
 104 PIIIXEAS quiddy; 
 
 chair on the opposite side of the fireplace ; 
 " sit down ; sitting is quite as cheap as stand- 
 ing." 
 
 Tliis observation was accompanied with a 
 small chuckle, indicating the consciousness of 
 the speaker that he had uttered a witticism. 
 Yet was it not utterly destitute of meaning ; 
 for had the difference of position put Mr. 
 Quiddy to one-tenth part of a flirthing's ex- 
 pense, he would have allowed his visiter to 
 remain standing for a fortnight — unless, in- 
 deed (upon his favourite principle " never to 
 give nothing for nothing"), something might 
 be gained, or some point carried, by means 
 of it. 
 
 For a few moments the parties sat in 
 silence, each bent forward with his hands on 
 his knees, and vacantly gazing at the fire. 
 At length, thus Quiddy: 
 
 *' I say, Mr. Grubb — you've been a long 
 while closeted with the old 'oman." 
 
 " Yes," replied Grubb, without the slight- 
 est change of coimtenance or posture.
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 105 
 
 " All about her temporary affairs, eli ?" 
 continued Quiddy. 
 
 " Temporal," said the lawyer, in a tone of 
 correction, but still gazing at the fire. 
 
 " Well — yes — that's what I mean : her 
 temporal affairs, eh?" 
 
 " Yes," rephed Grubb. 
 
 " Ah ! — making her will, eh ?" said the 
 inquirer. 
 
 " No," was the reply. 
 
 " "VVTiat !" exclaimed Quiddy, " not make 
 
 her will ! Why you don't mean to let her 
 
 make such a fool of herself as to take and 
 
 die testament ?" 
 
 '■^Litest ate ^' said Grubb somewhat peevishly. 
 
 " Ay — yes — you know what I mean. But 
 she anH a-going to die without making a 
 will ; is she, Mr. Grubb ?" This was ut- 
 tered in an imploring and anxious tone. 
 
 " No," replied Grubb. 
 
 " Then it's high time she should make 
 it. Suppose she should go off in the 
 night?" exclaimed the considerate Quiddy.
 
 106 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 '' You know I an't no relation, and nobody 
 has been more kinder to her than me 
 Don't go, don't, Mr. Grubb," eagerly cried 
 Quiddy to his visiter, who was about to rise : 
 <' stay till Mr. Fag is gone, and then go up 
 to the poor creetur again. What can he be 
 so long about ? One would think he never 
 means to come down. Wliy can't he as 
 well come to-morrow ? It's very unfeeling 
 of him to be a-bothering the poor soul, 
 when a httle sleep might do her good ; and 
 if she should go off sudden, poor dear, I'm 
 sure it will break my heart. Now do go up 
 to her as soon as he's gone, and get her to 
 make a will to-night, — don't let her rest till 
 she has done it — now, do go — won't you, 
 Mr. Grubb?" 
 
 " No," replied Grubb. 
 
 Again there was a short silence, which 
 was broken by a sudden exclamation from 
 Quiddy. 
 
 " I say — Mr. Grubb — why — perhaps she. 
 has made a will already, eh ?"
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 107 
 
 ' "Yes." 
 
 Quiddy, greatly relieved by this informa- 
 tion, emitted a long breath, and then inquir- 
 ingly said — 
 
 " Yet you have never been alone with her, 
 here, since the old man died ?" 
 
 " No," said Grubb. 
 
 " Then she must have gone to yoiu: house 
 about it, eh? And yet," continued the 
 questioner — not waiting for the monosyllabic 
 reply of the attorney — "and yet she has 
 been out of this house only once since the — " 
 
 A light suddenly burst upon his mind; 
 and clapping his hands together, he said — 
 
 " Then that was it: the day she went out 
 in a hackney-coach, and / couldn't make out 
 the why or the wherefore of it. Well, I'm 
 glad she has made a will, for nobody could 
 have slaved more than me for* her, or have 
 made her more comfortable. — Mr. Grubb?" 
 
 " Well ?" said Grubb, still maintaining the 
 same dry, inexpressive tone. 
 
 "You know I'm no relation," continued
 
 108 PHIXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 the other; '* and, as I said before, I've been 
 uncommon kind and attentive to her. — 
 Ahem I — In course she set me down for sum- 
 mut, eh ?" 
 
 Mr. Grubb hesitated for a moment, as in 
 doubt whether or not, by a reply, he should 
 be betraying the confidence reposed in him 
 as a professional man. But he compromised 
 the question with his conscience by a slight 
 affirmative nod. 
 
 " And — and she hasn't made no alteration 
 in the will since ?" asked Quiddy, -with some 
 hesitation. 
 
 " None," replied Grubb. 
 
 A gleam of satisfaction shot across Quid- 
 dy 's countenance, wdiich was miperceived by 
 the lawyer, for the reason that he was stiU 
 lookinoj at the fire. The former drew a lonc^ 
 sigh, and said — 
 
 " \Yell — the poor old 'oman's sufierings 
 have been very great, and the sooner she's 
 relieved from 'em, now^ the better. I'm sure 
 it would be a mercy to the poor creature if
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 109 
 
 she was taken off this blessed night; and if 
 she's left to herself, bless her, she 11 go oiF as 
 quiet as a lamb." 
 
 There was, now, a silence of some minutes' 
 duration. Both parties seemed to be im- 
 mersed in thought. What might be occu- 
 pying the mind of Mr. Grubb, or if any thing 
 at all, is nothing to our purpose : he might 
 have been in that delightful state of dreamy 
 abstraction which iire-gazing so frequently 
 begets ; watching the rise and fall of moun- 
 tains, tow^ers, and castles, and the formation 
 and disappearance of all manner of animals 
 which the earth OAvns, has shown, or never 
 did or will produce. But the other was evi- 
 dently debating within himself a matter of 
 deep importance. It was a question of ex- 
 pense^ and whether (as a friend of ours, a 
 galhcised Englishman, would say), ^^t\\QJeu 
 would vaut the cliandelle;' when, having 
 carried it in the affirmative, though by a very 
 small majority of his own inclinations, he
 
 110 PIIINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 startled tlie attorney from his revery by a 
 heavy slap on the knee, saying — 
 
 " Come, I say, Mr. Grubb, it's a cold night; 
 what say you to a drop of summut warm and 
 comfortable ?" And tliis he uttered with the 
 sudden and desperate energy with which one 
 plunges into a cold bath on a frosty morning 
 lest his resolution should fail by delay. 
 
 The unexpectedness, as well as the accept- 
 able character of the invitation, warmed the 
 monosyllabic attorney into the delivery of 
 what, from him, seemed an oration; and he 
 replied — returning his inviter the famihar 
 slap on the knee — 
 
 "I say 'Yes,' with all my heart, IMr. 
 Quiddy." 
 
 AVc must here explain a point in the cha- 
 racter of ]\Ir. Grubb. From the style of Ids 
 conversation (if such it may be termed) up 
 to this moment, it will be assumed that he 
 was a man exceedingly cautious in his talk ; 
 and so, indeed, he was, or rather strove to
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. Ill 
 
 be. For aware of his own infirmity (a dan- 
 gerous one for a person of his profession) a 
 love of hearing the rattle of his own tongue 
 — which infirmity had sometimes betrayed 
 him into saying more concerning the afiairs 
 of his chents than might be to their advan- 
 tage — he never, at the outset of a conver- 
 sation, allowed himself the use of two words 
 if he could contrive that one should serve 
 his purpose. But the ofiending organ, like a 
 rusty post-horse, would warm into speed as 
 it proceeded on its journey, and leave pru- 
 dent resolutions behind. Add to wliich — 
 and he was by no means singular in this — 
 Grubb would sometimes divulge a secret 
 merely to show his own importance as the 
 depositary of it. 
 
 " Then what shaU it be, Mr. Grubb?" in- 
 quired the liost ; " though I've nothing but 
 gin to give you" — forgetting a small quantity 
 of brandy and hoUands (boih more costly 
 materials) on the same shelf with it. 
 
 The choice proposed being by no means
 
 112 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 perplexing, Grubb, witliout hesitation, re- 
 plied—'' Gin." 
 
 Quiddy took from a cupboard the spirit 
 chosen (if so we may say) by the attorney, 
 together with a couple of glasses, and placed 
 them upon the table. He next transferred 
 the kettle of water from the hob to the fire, 
 observing, as he resumed his seat — 
 
 " I don't take sugar myself, but that's no 
 rule for yoii^ Mr. Grubb:" adding in a tone 
 which clearly indicated towards which side 
 of the question he hoped the taste of his 
 guest might incline — " so if you like an3^ 
 why—" 
 
 " Yes," rephed Grubb, " and \iyou please, 
 Mr. Quiddy, I should like a sHght squeeze of 
 lemon at the same time." 
 
 This " liking" was an extra which Quiddy 
 had not contemplated, and was the less 
 agreeable to him forasmuch as it occasioned 
 a positive and visible disbursement. 
 
 " I have not got such a thing in the 
 house," said Quiddy; "but — Come, 111 send
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 113 
 
 my sliopboy out on purpose to buy one for 
 'you— eh, Mr. Grubb ?" 
 
 Mr. Q. having waited long enough for Mr. 
 G. to say " No" fifteen times over, and Mr. 
 G. not accommodating him with the desired 
 refusal, but only twiddling the fire with the 
 tip of the poker; Mr. Q. reluctantly drew 
 some halfpence from his pocket, and de- 
 spatched his shopboy for what he con- 
 sidered the superfluous luxury. 
 
 We must here apologize for Mr. Quiddy's 
 calling his shopboy — a sliophoy. This was 
 no singular vulgarism on the part of our 
 hero, for in those days it was a common 
 practice to designate such a fimctionary by 
 neither more nor less than that very term. 
 In these more refined times, he would pro- 
 bably be called the " young gentleman of 
 the emporium," or described by some other 
 circumlocutory phrase, equally elegant, and 
 as httle likely to womid his feelings : as in 
 the puff-advertisement of an Oxford-street 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 114 rniNEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 haberdaslier, which is now lying before us, 
 we are told that "there are nearly forty 
 ladies and gentlemen on the establishment, 
 di^essed uniformly in black; an arrangement 
 which gives an air of great rerpectabihty to 
 the concern." In Quiddy's early time — that 
 is to say, in the days of good King George 
 the Third, these purveyors of tape and 
 bobbin would simply have been styled, 
 shopmen and shopivomen^ nor have felt 
 themselves in the slightest degree offended 
 by the appellation. To say nothing about 
 the " ladies," it must be consoling to the 
 younger sons of the English nobility and 
 gentry to learn that (the other liberal pro- 
 fessions being overstocked) there is now a 
 refuge for "gentlemen" behind the haber- 
 dashers' counters. — O Temp — But the ex- 
 clamation is worn thread-bare, so we'll 
 " none out. * 
 
 * The Advertisement in question, a piece of ostenta- 
 tious foolery, appeared some time in December, 1840, iu
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 115 
 
 To proceed. The requisite materials being 
 collected, each party " brewed" for himself; 
 the attorney — if any meaning might be ex- 
 tracted from Quiddy's compressed lips, as he 
 anxiously watched the operations of his 
 guest — the attorney making his own glass 
 immercifully ^strong . 
 
 Whilst they were sipping their first glass, 
 Quiddy put many side-questions to Grubb, 
 
 in a sheet called the " Post Magazine." Of this sheet, 
 three pages were filled with advertisements, together 
 with scraps in prose and verse ; the remaining page 
 was a blank on which might be written a letter. The 
 whole was within the penny-postage weight, and, to- 
 gether with a post-office label was sold for three half- 
 pence. The jDaper we have unluckily mislaid ; but (the 
 itahcs excepted) we pledge our word for the strict accu- 
 racy of the extract, else might the silly impertinence 
 about " ladies and gentlemeTC* serving behind a haber- 
 dasher's counter, be considered as a gross exaggeration. 
 AVe denounce all such affi^ctations because we deem 
 them to be more mischievous in their effect than, upon 
 a hasty consideration, they may appear. For their 
 melancholy results look to the police-courts and the 
 playhouse lobbies ! 
 
 I 2
 
 IIG PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 touching the "^vidow's will, all of which 
 meant, " How much has she left me ?" It 
 was a clear case of pumping : and the 
 attorney knew enough of his entertainer to 
 be aware that his hospitality was intended 
 as a bribe for the betrayal of the secret. But 
 Grubb resolved, Hke a high-principled at- 
 torney as he was, not to compromise his 
 character for secrecy and discretion — for o;?e 
 glass of gin-punch. Yet, at the same time, 
 he thought it would be hardly fair to tres- 
 pass further on Quiddy's Uberahty — to 
 accept a fee, as it were — and perform no 
 service in return; besides, sooner or later, 
 probably witliin a few hours, Qiiiddy would 
 obtain the desired information as a matter 
 of course, and without incurring the 
 shghtest obligation to him for it. He there- 
 fore resolved to make a merit of partly dis- 
 closing the nature of the testament. 
 
 " Mr. Quiddy," he began — his tongue 
 thawed by the comfortable liquid which he 
 had imbibed — "Mr. Quiddy, it is clear to
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 117 
 
 me, altliougli you don't come at once, and 
 distinctly to the point, that you wish me to 
 instruct, or inform, or acquaint you in what 
 mode or form, or manner Mrs. Sanderson 
 has disposed of her worldly effects. Now 
 really Mr. Q., you ought to be aware that I, 
 her professional, her confidential friend, can- 
 not with any degree of I say I cannot 
 
 as you must be aware — " 
 
 As he uttered these words he slowly slid 
 his empty glass away from him to a distant 
 part of the table, as if intending to dispense 
 with its further services j when Quiddy, 
 affecting a tone of jovial hospitahty, said — 
 
 "Come, Mr. Grubb — come — yes — now 
 do — a httle drop more — ^just a Httle, eh ?" 
 
 To this invitation Grubb only replied by 
 slowly drawing his glass back again, and 
 fiUing it to the brim with a mixture " more 
 potent than the first;" and whilst so em- 
 ployed, he resumed his exordium — but with 
 a scarcely perceptible, though important, 
 variation of two or three little words : —
 
 118 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " As I was about to say, Mr. Q., that 
 although you must be aware that as Mrs. 
 Sandersons confidential friend I ought not 
 to comply with your wish, yet out of fiiend- 
 ship and regard for you, I will trust you 
 with the—" 
 
 At this moment Janet, who, after some 
 days of close attendance upon Mrs. San- 
 derson, had taken advantage of the visits of 
 Mr. Fag and the attorney, to go out and get 
 what she called " a mouthful of fresh air,' 
 returned and entered the room; for which 
 interruption the amiable Quiddy in his 
 heart wished the poor girl where the air is 
 supposed to be not of the most refi'eshing. 
 Janet, with a faint smile, nodded to Quiddy 
 and dropped a courtesy to Gnibb, who 
 acknowledged the salutation wdth a '' How 
 d'ye do, Miss Janet?" 
 
 ^' Miss^ indeed!" muttered Quiddy; and 
 he continued aloud, and in a surly tone — 
 " You must go down into the kitchen just 
 now, dye hear? me and Mr. Grubb is
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 119 
 
 engaged, and Mr. Fag is still up stairs with 
 the old 'oman." 
 
 But just then Mr. Fag descended and took 
 his leave of the occupants of the parlour: 
 whereupon Janet, with another smile to the 
 tobacconist and courtesy to the lawyer, be- 
 took herself to the bedroom of the inva- 
 Hd. 
 
 " But, I say, Mr. Grubb," said Quiddy 
 (who had been startled, though scarcely 
 knowing why, by the title bestowed upon 
 Janet), "I say; that girl is only our 
 servant-girl : why did you call the girl 
 Miss r 
 
 " Mr. Quiddy," said the attorney, motion- 
 inn^ to the former to di'aw his chair closer to 
 him—" Mr. Quiddy, ." 
 
 Now as the cautious attorney put his hps 
 close to the ear of his confidant and spoke 
 in low whispers, we are unable, with one 
 exception, to repeat a syllable of his com- 
 munications, and therefore left to draw our 
 inferences concerning them from Quiddy 's
 
 120 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 exclamations, which were delivered in some- 
 what a louder tone. 
 
 " richer than one would 
 
 have thought," said Grubb. 
 
 " Poor dear old soul ! she'll be an angel in 
 heaven!" said Quiddy, putting his pocket- 
 handkerchief to his eyes, as if shedding 
 tears. 
 
 " ," whispered Grubb. 
 
 " Wlio'd ha' thought it !" exclaimed Quid- 
 dy, dropping his handkerchief upon his 
 knees. 
 
 " ," continued Grubb. 
 
 " You don't say so !" exclaimed Quiddy, 
 moistening his lips, which had suddenly 
 become parched. 
 
 " ," w^as the next commu- 
 nication of Grubb. 
 
 " The artful young hussy !" cried Quiddy, 
 clenching his hands and biting his hps. 
 
 " In conclusion, ,' whis- 
 pered Grubb. 
 
 " The cursed old hag ! Old Nick will
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 121 
 
 have the roasting of her !" exclamied Quidcly, 
 striking the table with his clenched fist, and 
 with such force as to make the very glasses 
 leap with astonishment. 
 
 "And now you know all about it, Mr. 
 Quiddy," said the attorney, swallowing the 
 remainder of his second glass of gin-punch, 
 and removing the kettle from the fender on 
 to the fire. 
 
 Quiddy took, or seemed to take, no notice 
 of this intelHgible transfer ; but, rising, re- 
 placed the gin and sugar, together with the 
 remains of the lemon, in the little corner 
 cupboard. 
 
 " Bless my soul !" exclaimed Grubb, look- 
 ing at his watch ; " near eleven o'clock ! 
 "Well, now, really I must go." 
 
 "As you please; the best friends must 
 part," said Quiddy, with a forced attempt at 
 jocularity. 
 
 So, without another word, he took up the 
 candle, led IMr. Grubb to the door, and 
 wished liim good night.
 
 122 PEINE AS QUIDD Y ; 
 
 The guest having departed, the amiable 
 host betook himself to bed. For some hours 
 he lay, or rather tossed about, revolving in 
 his mind the information he had received 
 from the attorney, alternately muttering at 
 each change of position, " Cursed old hag !" 
 — " Artful young hussy !" A plan of pro- 
 ceeding at length occurred to him, of the suc- 
 cess of which he entertained not a doubt. 
 
 " What a fool am I," thought he, " not to 
 have thought of that before ! Why it's all 
 one and the same thing ; yet here have I 
 been fretting myself till I'm almost^yaw ! 
 — yaw !" And after three or four prepara- 
 tory yawns, he slept.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 123 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Another Case of Pumping — Ingenuousness versus Cun- 
 ning — Our 'cute Friend takes but little by his 
 Motion. 
 
 " Well, Janet," said Quiddy, in a tone of 
 unusual kindness, as, on tlie following morn- 
 ing, the former took her seat at the break- 
 fast-table — " Well, Janet, and how is the old 
 'oman by tliis time ?" 
 
 " She is fast asleep, or I should not have 
 quitted her bedside ; but I fear it will soon 
 be over with her," replied Janet, in a melan- 
 choly tone.
 
 124 pnmEAS QuroDY; 
 
 " If you'd got as miicli feeling, Janet, as I 
 have," said Quiddy, " you'd say the sooner 
 the better for the poor creetur, for she has 
 been a great sufferer." 
 
 " But whilst there's hfe there's hope, ^Ir. 
 Quiddy" — (somehow, Quiddy did not like 
 the Mister) — " and should the poor soul 
 recover, as I pray she may — " 
 
 " She's past praying for," said Quiddy ; 
 " and, at her age, to go a-lingering on in pain 
 — it cuts me to the heart to think on it. Ah ! 
 I'm sure it's any thing but a blessing to have 
 such tender feehngs." And as he put his 
 handlverchief to his eyes he sighed deeply. 
 
 " Well, Providence knows best," said 
 Janet ; " yet, after all, perhaps, it woidd be 
 a mercy if — " 
 
 '' Mercy ? in course it would," said Quiddy, 
 eagerly taking up the word ; " the greatest 
 of mercies. I dare say Dr. Mc Squills will 
 bring in a pretty long bill as it is ; and to pay 
 him any more would be only like throwing 
 good money after bad, as we say in trade."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 125 
 
 Tlie latter part of this observation Janet 
 did not attend to, for fancying slie heard a 
 stir in Mrs. Sanderson's room she ran up 
 stairs. Finding, however, that the old woman 
 still slept, she returned to her breakfast, 
 
 Fop some minutes both parties were silent. 
 During this brief interval Quiddy was con- 
 sidering how he mio-ht draw from Janet 
 a point of information which he considered 
 to be material to the plan of proceeding al- 
 luded to at the conclusion of the preceding 
 chapter. Ingenuousness was a quahty of the 
 very existence of which he was ignorant; 
 and, himself possessing not one particle of it, 
 it is not to be w^ondered at that he thought 
 it impossible to elicit the truth by a straight- 
 forward question. As we have before ob- 
 served, he was proud to think himself cun- 
 nin2^ — 'cute : he saw no " cleverness" in a 
 direct proceeding : any fool wishing to know 
 the time of day could ask, simply, " What's 
 o'clock ?" but he would hardly rely on the 
 information unless obtained by some tortuous
 
 126 pniNEAS quiddy; 
 
 mode of inquiry. Truth might, for him, for 
 ever sleep at the bottom of her well, unless 
 he could contrive a crooked rope wherewith 
 to draw her out. 
 
 Now, upon the present occasion, he wished 
 to know whether Janet was acquainted Avith 
 the nature of Mrs. Sanderson's will, and had 
 he said " Janet are you acquainted with the 
 nature of Mrs. Sanderson's will?" Janet 
 would infallibly have replied, "Yes" or " No," 
 as the truth might have been. But, in that 
 case, both question and answer being direct 
 and simple, he w^ould have doubted the girl's 
 veracity. The 'cute young tobacconist there- 
 fore thus proceeded : — 
 
 " I say, Janet, you're a — you're the — that's 
 to say, you're a great favourite of Mr. Grubb's, 
 arn't you ?" 
 
 " Not that I know of," replied Janet. 
 
 " Yes — no — what I mean is, he's a great 
 favourite of yours ?" continued Quiddy. 
 
 " I've not seen enough of him for that," 
 replied Janet.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 127 
 
 " To be sure — exactly so — but you have 
 talked to him sometimes, when he came here, 
 eh?'^ 
 
 " I have talked to him, certainly;' 
 
 " Li course," continued Quiddy, "for 
 without talking how could you have asked 
 him how the old 'oman has left her trifle of 
 property, eh, Janet ?" 
 
 This infallible inquiry, as Quiddy consi- 
 dered it, he accompanied with a knowing 
 look, and a thrust of his forefinger at Janet's 
 elbow. 
 
 Janet's cheek was instantly suffused witli 
 
 No : that won't do : " cheek suffused" 
 
 is proper only to delicate young ladies of 
 fashion — to heroines of the fragile-form order : 
 touching a tobacconist's little maid-of-all- 
 work we must simply say that at this ques- 
 tion Janet coloured up to the very eyes ; 
 and with an expression of indignation, she 
 cried — 
 
 " And has Mr. Grubb dared to say that I 
 have been so base as to pry into my kind 
 mistress's affairs ?"
 
 128 PEINE AS QUIDDY ; 
 
 " Why — hem — no," said Quiddy, startled 
 by this little burst of anger — " no ; he didn't 
 say so; besides, you had no need to ask liim, 
 after he had told you all about the matter 
 himself." 
 
 "Did Mr. Grubb say thatf inquired 
 Janet, emphatically. 
 
 " No, I can't say he did," stammered the 
 other, taken aback by the girl's unevadable 
 questions ; "for how — that is — for what would 
 have been the use of his telhng you when 
 you had already asked — I mean — that's to 
 say, when you had already heard it from the 
 old 'oman herself ?" 
 
 " Whoever told you that, has told you 
 what is false," said Janet. " Do you think 
 Mrs. Sanderson would tell her private affairs 
 to a poor servant-maid like me ? or that I 
 should be so ungrateful to her as to try and 
 worm myself into them ? Who was it that 
 told you otherwise, Mr. Quiddy ?" 
 
 "Wlicn, with the soul and spirit of an Old- 
 Bailey attorney, Quiddy commenced his 
 sneaking cross-examination of Janet, he
 
 129 
 
 fixed his cunning little gray eyes upon her, 
 the better to detect any evasion on her part ; 
 but, quailing beneath her honest gaze, he 
 diverted them towards the fire. To the last 
 question he made no reply ^; and. after a 
 pause, Janet repeated it in precisely the same 
 words, but with stronger emphasis. 
 
 "Why," replied he, crossing one leg over 
 the other, and raking the cinders from be- 
 neath the lower bars of the grate with the 
 point of his shoe — "why, I — I can't po- 
 sitively say any body told me, but — but — 
 a—" 
 
 '• But you yourself suspect me capable of 
 such conduct, and have therefore put all 
 these questions in order to try me." 
 
 These words she uttered in a tone which 
 was akin to the countenance of the ghost of 
 Hamlet's father, it being " more in sorrow 
 than in anger." 
 
 " Lor' ! no," said he; " how can you think 
 such a thinir, Janet ?" 
 
 " Then why all those questions T 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 130 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 Perplexed to find a satisfactory reason, lie 
 at lengtli stammered out — 
 
 " Why, one must talk about something, 
 you know." 
 
 Still was his dirty mind not altogether 
 satisfied; still did he entertain some doubts 
 of the truth of what he had drawn from 
 Janet by his wonderfully 'cute, clever method 
 of framing his questions. He therefore did 
 at last that which he had much better have 
 done at first, and, turning towards her, said — 
 
 " Janet, do you knoAv any tiling about the 
 contents of the old 'oman's will ?" 
 
 " No," rephed Janet, looking him full in 
 the face — as was indeed her invariable cus- 
 tom, whether when speaking to any one, or 
 when spoken to. 
 
 " Then don't you know nothing, in no 
 way, not in the least, how she has left her 
 property ?" 
 
 " No," again replied she. 
 
 Just then Mrs. Sanderson rang her bell, 
 and Janet left the room to attend to the
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 131 
 
 summons — for a minute wondering wliat 
 Qiiiddy could mean by those very odd ques- 
 tions, and, presently (absorbed in attentions 
 to lier mistress) forgetting all about them. 
 
 There is something in simple Truth which 
 will not be resisted : it will compel its way 
 into minds the most unwilling to receive itj 
 and an unadorned " Yes " or " No," coming 
 in honesty and sincerity from the heart, is a 
 match, nay a master, for the most dextrous 
 and refined sophistry that human ingenuity 
 can invent. Thus, in the present instance, 
 the simple " No " of Janet satisfied even the 
 nasty suspicions mind of Quiddy himself, 
 that she knew no more about the matter 
 which the attorney had confided to him on 
 the previous evening, than that knoAV-nothing 
 gentleman so ft'equently appealed to — the 
 Man in the Moon. 
 
 " That'll do; all's right; mine's the plan !" 
 
 thought Quiddy, rubbing his hands in token 
 
 of satisfaction, and proceeding to his place 
 
 behind his counter. " All's riuht, and I'll 
 
 k2
 
 132 PHINE AS QUIDD Y ; 
 
 brinf lier to settle matters as soon as I can 
 get her alone this evening, for fear — " 
 
 Here his thoughts were interrupted by the 
 entrance of a customer; so that what it was 
 he feared, that brought him to the resolution 
 of precipitating matters, as also what those 
 matters exactly were, nuist, for a short time, 
 remain a subject for guessing to such as may 
 think it worth their trouble.
 
 OE, SHEER mDUSTRY. 133 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 More " Cleverness" — An illustrative Anecdote — A 
 touching Incident — Our Hero's disinterested Concern 
 for a "Maiden all Forlorn" — A magnificent Pro- 
 posal — rejected ! 
 
 It was now about six o'clock on tlie 
 evening of the same day on wliicli the con- 
 versation we have just related occurred ; 
 consequently not four-and- twenty hours, be 
 it remembered, since Mr. Grubb made cer- 
 tain disclosures to Quiddy touching Mrs. 
 Sanderson's will. 
 
 Janet Gray was kneeling at one side of the
 
 134 PIIIXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 dead woman's bed, sobbing audibly; Pliineas 
 Quiddy, groaning, or rather grunting, was 
 kneeling at the other. 
 
 " Come, come, Janet, girl," said Doctor 
 Mc Squills, kindly, " wailing will never 
 bring back the dead. Come, rise, my guid 
 lassie, and when you have done what is 
 proper for the present, get you to bed. 
 After so many watchful nights you have 
 need of rest, I'll be bound for it." 
 
 He gently raised her from the ground. 
 She bent herself over the body of Mrs. 
 Sanderson, with her arms about her neck, 
 and her lips to her cold forehead. In this 
 attitude she remained for a few^ mmutes, 
 and, seemingly, in prayer. Then rising, and 
 wiping her eyes, she turned to the doctor and 
 calmly said, — " Now, what's to be done, 
 sir?" 
 
 Doctor Mc Squills, having given her some 
 brief instructions, desired Quiddy to foUow 
 him out of the room ; whereupon the latter 
 made demonstrations of the most violent
 
 135 
 
 grief, declaring that the deplorable event 
 would break his heart — that it would be the 
 death of him — that he should soon follow 
 his dear friend — that — that, at any rate, it 
 was impossible to tear himself from her 
 side. 
 
 "You had better do what the doctor 
 desires," said Janet, in a melancholy 
 tone. 
 
 To this recommendation Quiddy paid no 
 attention; but the doctor, who probably es- 
 timated his sorrow at its true value, just put- 
 ting one of his huge hands under Quiddy's 
 arm, raised him from the ground and led 
 him to the door, saying, " Meester Queddy, 
 it'll just please you to do as I'm telling 
 you." 
 
 When they were in the room below, 
 Mc Squills inquired whether the old lady 
 had left a will ? 
 
 " Will?" dolefully ejaculated Quiddy. 
 
 " Has Mrs. Sanderson left a will?" re- 
 peated the doctor.
 
 136 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " Left a will ? why — a — how should I 
 know ?" innocently inquired the other. 
 
 " How, mon ? why, ye're a partner in the 
 business, and — " 
 
 " A third share in the profits ; but as I 
 never expected any thing from the poor dear 
 soul, in course I — " 
 
 " That's nae to the purpose : has she left 
 a will?" reiterated the doctor, somewhat an- 
 grily. 
 
 " Not that I've seen^' artfully repHed 
 Quiddy. 
 
 " Then you maun go instantly and apprize 
 Mr. Grubb of the melancholy event. It's 
 certain he knows; and the old lady may 
 have left instructions requiring immediate 
 attention." 
 
 " I'll go the first thing in the morning, 
 doctor." 
 
 " Go now, mon, — or — stay — I'U go to him 
 myselM" 
 
 " No, doctor, not you," said Quiddy, 
 eagerly; "Til go this very instant." And,
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 137 
 
 with these words, he took his hat from a 
 peg and clapped it upon his head. 
 
 " That's weel — guid night — 111 call again 
 to-morroAV." 
 
 The doctor departed, and the hat of IMr. 
 Phineas Quiddy was replaced upon its 
 
 peg. 
 
 The two hours that passed between this 
 moment and the appearance of Janet seemed 
 to the impatient Quiddy an age. Once, in 
 the course of that time, there was a knock 
 at the street-door, and Quiddy started in 
 alarm lest it should be the attorney, whose 
 visit at this juncture might very materially 
 derange his plans. But his alarm was 
 groundless. Still, as the evening was not 
 very far advanced, there was danger of 
 the pleasure of a visit from him; so, as soon 
 as Janet entered the room, Quiddy suggested 
 the propriety, under their present sad cir- 
 cumstances, of revising admittance to all, or 
 any, visiters who might come. " For,'' said 
 he, " I'm sure we an't in spirits to talk to
 
 138 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 any hody : — beside it vnll be but respectful 
 to the poor dear departed up stairs." To this 
 Janet assented; and Quiddy, having barred 
 and bolted the outer door, or to use the sea- 
 man's phrase, " made all snug for the night," 
 muttered, as he completed the operation — 
 " There ! — all's safe now ; — ^let him come — 
 he may knock his heart out before I let 
 him in." 
 
 " Your son, Sir William," said a college 
 tutor to the father of his conceited, self-suffi- 
 cient pupil — one of those who are prone to 
 — the phrase is expressive, so out with it — 
 to " teach their grannies to suck eggs ;" — one 
 who presumed rather to teach his tutor than 
 condescended to receive instruction from 
 him ; — " your son, sir, is a remarkably clever 
 young man." 
 
 " I'm glad you think so, doctor." 
 
 " Sir William, he is a iconderfuUij clever 
 yoimg man." 
 
 " You delight me, doctor."
 
 OR, SHEER DsTDUSTRY. 139 
 
 " Sir, — possibly, he is one of the cleverest 
 young men in the kingdom." 
 
 " You make me proud and happy beyond 
 expression, my dear doctor." 
 
 " But^ Sir William, he is nothing hke the 
 clever young man he thinks himself." 
 
 In this predicament stood Phineas. The 
 plan which he had arranged in his mind 
 was honoured with his own entire approval. 
 He considered it to be the very perfection 
 of a plan — infalHble ; and, indeed, up to this 
 moment, circumstances had run in favour of 
 it. Judging of Janet's character by his own, 
 he had anticipated every reply and observa- 
 tion she must of necessity make to every 
 thing he intended to say to her, and arranged 
 the course of the conversation accordingly : 
 as thus : — " When I say so and so^ she'll say 
 so and so ; upon which I say this^ to which 
 she will naturally say that — " and so on. 
 Now this is no luicommon proceeding with 
 your castle-builders — with tliose wlio in-
 
 140 PHIXEAS quiddy; 
 
 dulge in imaginary conversations: the great 
 inconvenience of it is, that a failure in one 
 single point of the sequence is likely to 
 overturn tlie whole scheme. We shall now 
 see how the system worked in the present 
 case. 
 
 Quiddy re-entered the room and took his 
 customary place at the fireside, opposite to 
 the old arm-chair which had formerly 
 been occupied by Mrs. Sanderson ; Janet 
 was seated, as heretofore, at the table, and 
 facing the fire. Thus he began : — 
 
 " So, Janet, she's gone at last' — and he 
 pretended to cry. 
 
 " At last !" said Janet, calmly but mourn- 
 fully — her eyes fixed on her clasped hands, 
 which were resting upon her knees. 
 
 " But it's a happy release for her, and I 
 know you think so, too." 
 
 Janet looked up at liim for an instant, as 
 if she would have said, " How can you know 
 that?" 
 
 " I mean — at least — that is, you don't take
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 14 1 
 
 on — joii don't cry as miicli as I tliouglit you 
 would." 
 
 " There's no good in crying, Mr. Quiddy ; 
 yet no one can lament lier loss more than I 
 do." 
 
 " Li course," said Quiddy, imagining that 
 he had at once fixed her to the desired point ; 
 " in course ; for what is now to become of 
 you T 
 
 " I lament her death for her own sake," 
 said Janet ; " but though she is gone who 
 was a second mother to me, I trust I shall 
 be provided for." 
 
 Quiddy, with some alarm, was about to 
 exclaim, " Then you do knoAV something of 
 the old 'oman's will ;" but this was prevented 
 by Janet, who continued — 
 
 " Heaven, which gave a poor orphan friends 
 here, will, I trust, provide friends for her 
 elsewhere." 
 
 " If that's all she thinks she has to trust 
 to," thought Quiddy, " all's safe still." But 
 the " elsewhere," which seemed to imply an
 
 142 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 intention of departure, an event upon which 
 he had never calculated under any circum- 
 stances, somewhat put him out : he had 
 counted upon an admission, on Janet's part, 
 of her entire dependance upon him — an as- 
 sumption which was, indeed, the base of his 
 proceedings, and which, giving way, he was 
 what is emphatically termed " bothered." He 
 scratched his head and " hem'd ;" he rose and 
 snuffed the candle (which did not require his 
 aid), and "had;" and then, instead of re- 
 suming his own chair, he placed himself 
 (whether by accident or design, we know 
 not) in that which, for so many years, had 
 been exclusively Mrs. Sanderson's. 
 
 There was something in this apparently 
 unimportant act that startled Janet, and she 
 burst into tears. 
 
 Death, to those unaccustomed to witness 
 it, and more especially the death of one we 
 love and have long associated with, has a 
 stunning, stupifying effect upon the mind : 
 we cannot immediately believe, or under-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 143 
 
 stand ^ as it were, that the object we so lately 
 saw move, however slightly — heard breathe, 
 however faintly — is at once silent and mo- 
 tionless for ever ! 
 
 The trifling incident we have noticed, 
 spoke eloquently to the heart of Janet : it 
 seemed to have removed any latent and in- 
 exphcable doubt she might still have enter- 
 tained of the melancholy fact ; for, looking at 
 once at the chair and its unseemly occupant, 
 she said, with a long-drawn sigh — " Yes — 
 she is gone !" 
 
 "Yes," said Quiddy, utterly unconscious 
 of what was passing in the poor girl's mind, 
 " that's what we were talking about. But, 
 as you said before, Janet, there's no good in 
 crying. And yet, what is to become of 
 you ?" 
 
 Now, according to Quiddy's preconceived 
 notion of the course which this conversation 
 must take — a notion founded upon a false 
 estimate of Janet's character — Janet's reply 
 ought to have been, " I have no one but you to
 
 144 PHIXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 look to for help, so tlie smallest donation will 
 be thankfully received." "WHiereupon Quiddy 
 had prepared himself to be very kind, and con- 
 descending, and patronising, and to say — But 
 no matter what he had prepared himself 
 to say, for Janet making no reply at all to 
 his question, which was more provoking than 
 any thing she could have said, he was again 
 " bothered ;" and this time, as a momentary 
 relief from his difficulties, he poked the fire — 
 an attention (as in the case of the candle) 
 superfluous, however kindly meant. 
 
 " What I intended to say," at length said 
 he (although it was by no means what he 
 had intended to say), " you — I — in short, 
 Tm master nowT 
 
 No reply. 
 
 Cunning but not adroit, these two or three 
 unexpected snaps in the cleverly-spun thread 
 of his discourse confused him. He had 
 entered a lab}Tinth with the clue in his liand, 
 confident of its leading him to tlic point 
 desired: his guide failing, he wriggled about,
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 145 
 
 taking every turn but the right one. Then 
 why, it may be asked, did he not, from the 
 first, take the direct, straight road to his 
 object ? Because, had he done so, he would 
 not have been Mr. Phineas Quiddy. 
 
 Now Phineas had never been certain 
 whether or not Janet was acquainted with 
 what had passed between himself and Mrs. 
 Sanderson on the night of his memorable 
 proposal to that lady. He was, however, 
 rather disposed to beheve she was not ; but 
 even were it otherwise, destitute as she 
 thought herself to be, that circumstance 
 could not, " in course," prevent the success 
 of his project. 
 
 " Well, as I was a-saying," at length said 
 he, — " that is, as I was a-going, to say," 
 (which, again, he was not) — " she was a 
 tolerable good woman." 
 
 " She was an excellent woman," said 
 Janet, fervently. 
 
 "And yet, Janet, she had her weak 
 points." 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 146 PIIINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " So have wg all, Mr. Quiddy." 
 
 " I know — yes — what I mean by that is, 
 she was very partial to me — uncommon fond, 
 I may say — but lor', she was old enough to 
 be my grandmother, poor foolish old 'oman, 
 and so I told her, poor silly old cree- 
 chur !" 
 
 Quiddy did not see the expression of 
 Janet's countenance, whilst hstening to this 
 lying insinuation (and such she knew it to 
 be) ; for, as he seldom looked any one boldly 
 in the face when addressing them, so now 
 were his eyes directed towards the fire ; but 
 scarcely had he uttered the last words when, 
 with more of indignation than ever before 
 was extorted from her, and at the same time 
 pointing upwards with her forefinger, she ex- 
 claimed — 
 
 " For shame ! Reflect man, that the poor 
 woman you are so disrespectfully speakmg 
 of, who was a kind friend to me, and to you^ 
 is lying dead above our heads, and as yet is 
 scarcely cold."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 147 
 
 She rose to quit the room; but, upon 
 Quiddy's assuring|her he had somethmg par- 
 ticular to say, she resumed her seat. 
 
 " Why, lor', Janet, how serious you take 
 things up ! I never saw you in such a — 
 lor', I only meant to — there — that's right — 
 sit down." 
 
 Perceiving that for some time her com- 
 panion got no further in his important 
 communication than the emission of three 
 or four short coughs, at length she said — 
 
 "I have gone through a great deal of 
 fatigue, and require a little rest ; so please 
 tell me at once what it is you've got to 
 say." 
 
 Now, we will anticipate what he had 
 to say : it was just these few words : — 
 
 " I want you this very night to sign a 
 promise to marry me, — " ("for reasons best 
 known to myself," would have been his own 
 private thought:) but, for the soul of him, 
 he could take no way to his point but the 
 crooked one. 
 
 l2
 
 148 PHESTJAS queddy; 
 
 " Wliy —I was a kind friend to the poor 
 woman, as you said just now — that is, not 
 said^ but you know — indeed all the world 
 knows — I'm sure I was a slave for her and 
 her husband too, morning, noon, and night ; 
 so that if she has left one the Httle trifle 
 she got together, why it's — that is, Janet, 
 she'd no relations, so who has a better 
 right ?" 
 
 Janet merely nodded assent, which gesture 
 was not observed by her companion, who 
 was looldng at his thumbs, which he was 
 twiddhng one over the other. 
 
 " Not that I care about it," contmued he, 
 " for I've scraped together a Httle of my own 
 — a few hundreds, I may say, and all by 
 sheer industry'^ 
 
 "I'm very glad indeed to hear it — very," 
 said Janet, earnestly. 
 
 " In course," said Quiddy, " for who'll be 
 the better for it ?" 
 
 And here he ventured for a moment 
 to look up towards her, casting at her
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 149 
 
 over liis shoulder what he meant for a tender 
 glance. 
 
 " Who'U be the better for it? Youi^self," 
 repHed Janet. 
 
 " And an't I a-thinking of nobody else ? 
 Ah, Janet ! now Mrs. S. is gone, you tliink 
 yourself left destitute in the world, without 
 a friend to take care of you ; but there's 
 somebody — somebody^ Janet my dear, to 
 take compassion on you." 
 
 " I need be beholden to no one's compas- 
 sion," said Janet. 
 
 " No, Janet, that's not what I mean. — I 
 mean — in short, though I never could hope 
 to get any thing by it, I always loved you — 
 and I — ahem ! — there it is." 
 
 Janet, with a bitter smile, cast her eyes 
 upwards and slowly shook her head ; for she 
 remembered, or rather she had never for- 
 gotten, the declaration of his sentunents to- 
 wards Iter in the conversation (which she 
 had accidentally overheard) with Mrs. San- 
 derson.
 
 150 PHIiraiAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " And now — and so, Janet," continued he, 
 " I'll marry you, and there you are provided 
 for for life ; and if that an't disinterested, 
 why—" 
 
 With these words he arose and was about 
 to approach the object of his sudden affection. 
 
 " You are very kind — very, Mr. Quiddy," 
 said Janet, repelling him ; '' but I shall never 
 marry." 
 
 "What!" exclaimed Quiddy with asto- 
 nishment, " not marry ! not marry me !" 
 
 " No," replied Janet, firmly. 
 
 " All! I see," said he, " that's your shyness, 
 and quite proper at first. But I know — I 
 know it, my dear Janet; for, to speak out, 
 the old lady herself once told me that you 
 loved me." 
 
 " She told you truly," replied Janet, look- 
 ing him full in the face ; " I did!' 
 
 These two words w^re uttered in a tone 
 and with an emphasis so pregnant with 
 meaning, that they would have been taken 
 at their full value by any mind a degree less
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 151 
 
 obtuse than our amiable tobacconist's; but 
 by him, their meaning was not only mi- 
 perceived, but perverted ; and he conti- 
 nued : — 
 
 " Wliy, then, if you did love me, say 
 you'll marry me — let's sign and seal at once, 
 for, if we leave it till the morning, who 
 knows but that mischief-making doctor, or 
 that meddling attor — in short, Janet, I — 
 you-" 
 
 " I will never marry," repeated Janet ; and 
 her calm, determined manner of saying so 
 convinced Mr. Quiddy tliat, lor the time 
 being at least, she was in earnest. 
 
 '' Then what do you mean to do in your 
 forlorn condition ?" inquired the considerate 
 Quiddy. 
 
 " Out of my small earnings," replied Janet, 
 " I have saved as much as will carry me back 
 to my native place. I am older and stronger 
 than when I left it, and know my work 
 better; and, with the blessing of Heaven, 
 I doubt not to fmd a service. The very day
 
 152 PHINE AS QUIDDY ; 
 
 after they have laid my poor dear mistress 
 in her grave I shall quit this house and this 
 town for ever." 
 
 "But, surely, you — no!" stammered the 
 other ; " no, you cannot mean any thing so 
 foolish." 
 
 " It is a resolution I made several months 
 ago. — But I'm tu-ed now — I want to sleep — 
 good night, Phineas." 
 
 Saying which she pressed his hand, and 
 instantly withdrew to her bed. 
 
 It was long since Janet had called Pliineas 
 by that familiar name. Her feelings were 
 softened by the melancholy event of the 
 day : she had for the first time given utter- 
 ance to an intention, long fixed in her mind, 
 of quitting a place where, and a person with 
 whom, she had once been happy. If either 
 of these circumstances, or both combined, 
 will not suffice to account for her httle burst 
 of tenderness, it must remam unexplained: 
 most assuredly it is not assignable to any 
 other.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 
 
 153 
 
 It was with dismay that Quiddy hstened 
 to the annoimcement of Janet's resolution, 
 for there was, as before, a calm determina- 
 tion in her manner that carried conviction 
 along with it. And yet, could she, in her 
 present condition, be serious in rejecting so 
 magnificent an offer as that of his hand, 
 with all his money in it ? — heart was out of 
 the question, even had it been worth the 
 having. Was the very cunning, clever, 'cute, 
 — the infallible scheme, which with such 
 vast ingenuity he had contrived, to be thus 
 thwarted? No ; it was a " moral impossible." 
 And then, her " uncommon loving manner" 
 of bidding him good night. But rejecting 
 him now^ what will she do when she comes 
 to know Avhat lie knows? " Why in course — " 
 Between these arguments pro and co7Z,hewas, 
 like Othello, " perplexed in the extreme ;" 
 and not seeing his way satisfactorily out of 
 them that night, he went to bed — muttering, 
 as he ascended the stairs, and purposely loud 
 enough to be heard by Janet, —
 
 154 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " Well, — there's plenty of girls in Lunnun ; 
 and with all my money I may be thought a 
 good catch by the best of 'em: that's one 
 comfort."
 
 OR, SHEER nroXJSTRY. 155 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The Reading of the Will — A delicate Remembrance — A 
 Job's Comforter — The Departme. 
 
 " Well ; — Mrs. Sanderson lived, Mrs. San- 
 derson died, Mrs. Sanderson was buried ; 
 and, since according to Sliakspeare (and, 
 perhaps, earlier authorities also, if we chose 
 to be at the trouble of looking them up), 
 precisely the same fate, in all its circimi- 
 stances, not even excepting the last, befel no 
 less a personage than Alexander the Great, 
 it would have been unreasonable indeed on 
 the part of a small tobacconist's widow had
 
 156 PIIIXEAS quiddy; 
 
 she complained of ill-usage. Far be it from 
 our intention to insinuate that she did so; 
 but when we state that she was buried, it 
 may thence be inferred that a week had 
 elapsed since we left Mr. Phineas Quiddy 
 soliloquizing on his way to bed. That he 
 did not follow Doctor Mc Squills's instruc- 
 tions in immediately acquainting Mr. Grubb 
 with the old lady's decease, turned out to be 
 a matter of no importance, as she had left 
 directions with Grubb that her will should 
 not be opened, nor its contents divulged till 
 after her funeral. The triflino: communica- 
 tion made in a moment of social confidence 
 by the attorney to Quiddy, must, therefore, 
 we suppose, go for nothing. 
 
 With the exception of two or three fruit- 
 less efforts on the part of Quiddy to divert 
 Janet from the resolution she had declared, 
 nothing worth notice had occurred during 
 that Aveek in the house of mourning — for 
 such it truly was to both parties, though 
 from very different causes.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 157 
 
 On the morning of the day after the fune- 
 ral, Janet, who had already procured infor- 
 mation that the Aberdeen smack would sail 
 from London at three o'clock on that after- 
 noon, was busied in preparing for her depar- 
 ture. 
 
 It is a valuable rule in travellinG^ to en- 
 cumber yourself on a journey with no more 
 luggage than may be needful. Of this, per- 
 haps, Janet was ignorant, for she collected 
 together every article she possessed in the 
 world: however, as the whole of her earthly 
 possessions went very commodiously into a 
 small bandbox, she was not likely to suffer 
 much inconvenience from her non-observ- 
 ance of that wholesome precept. Whilst 
 thus occupied, she was summoned down to 
 the parlour, where she found Mr. Quiddy, 
 Dr. Mc Squills, and IMr. Grubb, seated at 
 the table — the last-named personage (with 
 spectacles on nose) holding in his hand a 
 sealed paper. 
 
 " Good morning to you. Miss Janet; pray 
 take a scat. Miss Gray," said Grubb.
 
 158 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 Poor Janet started at hearing, almost for 
 the first time in her hfe, her name accom- 
 panied with so dignified a title ; and, micer- 
 tain whether or not it miQ:ht be bestowed 
 upon her in derision, for a moment she hesi- 
 tated to accept the invitation. 
 
 " Sit ye down, Janet girl, sit ye down," 
 said Mc Squills, kindly taking her by the 
 hand, and drawing her to a vacant chair at 
 his side : " Mr. Grubb is about to read the 
 will of our late respected and lamented 
 friend, Mrs. Sanderson, and I understand it 
 concerns you to be present. I, also, as he 
 tells me have business here, though what that 
 may just be I cannot even guess at, seeing 
 that the old lady never spoke to me touch- 
 ing her worldly affairs, with none of which 
 was I ever concerned, save and excepting 
 the care of keeping her alive — till she died, 
 puir thing." And as he spoke these last 
 words, he took a large pinch of snuff. 
 
 With great deliberation, and an air of 
 importance and solemnity befitting the oc- 
 casion, Mr. Grubb broke the seal of the do-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 159 
 
 cument whicli, according to tlie directions 
 of the deceased, lie had, in proper legal 
 phrase and form, drawn up. After two or 
 three preparatory " Ahems !" he thus be- 
 gan:— 
 
 "I, Susannah Sanderson, widow of the 
 late—" 
 
 But although Mr. Grubb himself was as 
 much delighted at the reading of his own 
 composition — a masterpiece of technicalities, 
 repetitions, and roundaboutisms — as if it 
 had been positively nothing less than a com- 
 position in prose, or worse (as a cockney 
 would say), for the next year's " Think of 
 Me," or for the " Perfections of Prettiness," 
 it was, evidently, in all but its main points, 
 caviar to his tasteless auditors ; and as, pro- 
 bably, it might be the same to some readers, 
 we will sink the embelhshments and give 
 those points alone. This may be done in 
 few words. 
 
 Well, then: — after wilhng two or three 
 small legacies to friends, the largest of
 
 160 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 which was ten pounds to Doctor Mc Squills 
 (who was nominated sole executor) for 
 mourning, she bequeathed to Phineas Quid- 
 dy " as a reward for his attention to my in- 
 terests in the management of my business — 
 my share of the stock in trade, including the 
 little figures of the Black-boy and High- 
 lander; and also — " 
 
 Mr. Grubb paused to wipe his spectacles 
 — ^invariably a slow operation with a grave 
 person when engaged in a grave affair — and 
 Quiddy said, with a sigh — 
 
 " Well I was a slave to her, that all the 
 world knows ;" whilst a momentary expres- 
 sion of pleasure crossed Janet's countenance 
 at hearing so much of Quiddy's good for- 
 tune. 
 
 The attorney resumed : — " and, also, in 
 token of the value I set upon his disinte- 
 rested affection for me, as proved by his offer 
 
 of marria!]^e on the evenin2^ of ;" 
 
 (the precise date was mentioned), '' and of 
 the degree of respect which I entertain for
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. IGl 
 
 him in consequence of the same, the sum 
 of — " Again the attorney pa,used to wipe 
 his spectacles, keeping Quiddy breathless 
 with expectation—" the sum of one-pound- 
 one for the purchase of a ring." 
 
 At the reading of this clause, which was 
 new (at least in its terms) to Quiddy (for 
 Grubb had omitted to state those in his re- 
 cent confidential communication), Quiddy 
 looked at once silly and savage, and bit his 
 lips till tears, real tears, dropped from his 
 eyes. Poor Janet drooped her head and 
 turned all colours of the rainbow — a com- 
 mon expression Avhich we believe to be 
 rather intended as figurative than to be 
 taken as philosophically true; whilst Mc 
 Squills, with a chuckle which he could not 
 restrain, exclaimed — 
 
 " De'il tak' me but the old woman had 
 some fun in her, and that's the truth o' it !" 
 
 Grubb proceeded : — " And to Janet Gray 
 whatever else I shall die possessed of, that is 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 162 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 to say, ray property in the government funds, 
 ready money, household goods, wearing-ap- 
 parel, &c. &c." — her money in the funds 
 amounting alone to rather more than five 
 hundi'ed pounds. 
 
 At this announcement Janet was literally 
 stupified. She looked about her with a va- 
 cant gaze as if some great calamity had sud- 
 denly befallen her ; nor did she immediately 
 recover herself even when Mc Squills, in an 
 ecstasy of dehght, started from his chair, and 
 giving her a hearty kiss, exclaimed — 
 
 " I sincerely congratulate you on yoiu' guid 
 fortune, and wish it may bring you what you 
 deserve — some guid mon for a husband 
 worthy to share it with you." Adding, as 
 he resumed his seat, and with a pretended 
 sigh — " Ech ! Janet girl, I wish I were tliirty 
 years younger !" 
 
 Quiddy thought it requisite that he also 
 should express his congratulations, and mut- 
 tered something about how very glad he was
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 163 
 
 " that Janet needn't be under no obligation to 
 nobody now, whatever people's good inten- 
 tions was when they thought she needed 
 them." This observation was specially in- 
 tended for Janet, but it was so indistinctly 
 uttered, that she would hardly have under- 
 stood it even had she been an attentive 
 listener, which, at that moment, she was not. 
 But her attention was speedily recalled by 
 Mr. Grubb to something " very important ;" 
 and so indeed it was. This was nothing less 
 than a clause rescinding the whole of the 
 bequest to Janet, with the exception of fifty 
 pounds, in case she should marry Phineas 
 Quiddy ; for the reason that the testatrix felt 
 perfectly assured that he was unworthy of 
 her. If she did, then the residue was to be 
 distributed amongst certain charitable insti- 
 tutions. Beyond that single restriction Ja- 
 net was at liberty to marry whomsoever she 
 would, or to remain unmarried, just as she 
 chose. Doctor Mc Squills, and one other 
 friend, were requested to act as trustees for 
 m2
 
 1G4 rniNEAs quiddy; 
 
 her, the nature of the trust being specified. 
 The testatrix taking it for granted that Ja- 
 net would not remain in the house lonaer 
 than was unavoidable, directed that the fur- 
 niture should be sold for her benefit — leav- 
 ing to Quiddy the complimentary privilege 
 of purchasing it at a fair valuation — if he 
 could find the means of so doing. '^ 
 
 The " very important" clause, of wdiich 
 Quiddy till now was ignorant (as his recent 
 conduct to Janet must prove) fell upon him 
 like a thunderbolt crushing at once his hopes 
 and his disinterested affection for the resi- 
 duary legatee. But as there are few misfor- 
 tunes which are utterly beyond the reach of 
 consolation, so was it, in the present case, 
 with Quiddy, who consoled liimself with 
 the reflection that there was some luck, at 
 least, in Janet's rejecting his offer of mar- 
 riage : " for," as he wisely thought, " as the 
 will stands, I should only have got fifty 
 pounds by marrying her, and that would 
 hardly have been worth while." Another
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 165 
 
 consoling-'consideration was, that the widow's 
 two-thirds of the pigtail, Virginia, and 
 rappee were now his, adding by so much to 
 Ms possessions — (another consequence of 
 "sheer industry") — and, again, thought 
 Quiddy, '' that's summut." 
 
 " And what am I to do with all this ? it's 
 a million times more than I shall ever have 
 occasion for," said Janet, having somewhat 
 recovered from her astonishment, but not 
 exhibiting the slightest symptom of joy at 
 her good fortune. 
 
 "Never fash yoursel' about that," said 
 Mc Squills ; " we'll think of some way of 
 setthng it for your advantage. But, lassie, 
 dinna look sae glum about it: a wee bit too 
 much o' the siller is an accident on the right 
 side at ony rate. Ech, guid lord ! naebody 
 would tak' you for a reseediary legatee by 
 the look o' ye." 
 
 " I wish my dear kind mistress had left it 
 to somebody that would have had more
 
 166 PIIINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 pleasure in it ; or that it had been only a 
 few ])ounds just to — " 
 
 "Just let weel alone, Janet," said Mc 
 Squills interrupting her ; adding significantly, 
 and in a whisper, " ye'll be better with it 
 than with thae fifty pounds you wot of" 
 
 " To-morrow we will have some further 
 conversation with Miss Gray," said Grubb, 
 folding up the will ; and as you, doctor, are 
 sole executor — " 
 
 " To-morrow, sir !" said Janet, " but Fm 
 going away to-day." 
 
 " Going !" exclaimed Law and Physic 
 simultaneously ; " and where?" 
 
 " I'm going back to my native town," con- 
 tinued Janet. 
 
 " But, my dear Miss Gray," said Grubb, 
 respectfully, as was befitting towards an 
 heiress, " we cannot well do without you — 
 for a few days, at least." 
 
 "Then wdiat am I to do s\t? I caii^f 
 remain here" — (This she said in a tone of de-
 
 OR, SHENR INDUSTRY. 167 
 
 termination wliicli carried with it ^'' I won't" ) 
 — "and unless I go back to Aberdeen, I 
 have nowhere to go to. Besides" (and an 
 important point it was, considering the quan- 
 tity of her luggage) " besides, I have packed 
 up all my things." 
 
 "Mr. Grubb is right, lassie," said Mc 
 Squills ; you had better remain in Lunnun 
 till matters are put into some shape. For 
 that time you shall stay in my house, and 
 my sister, bless her auld soul ! will tak' care 
 o' ye. As for your luggage we'll put that 
 into a hackney-coach ; or perhaps a porter 
 might manage to carry it for you." 
 
 At length, after a pause, Janet, who had 
 been reflecting on the first part of the doc- 
 tor's speech, without attending to the last, 
 said — 
 
 " Well, sir, I'm sure I can't be wrong in 
 following your advice. I'm very grateful to 
 you for your kind offer ; and so, if you 
 please, sh, as I have nothing more to do
 
 168 niixEAS quiddy; 
 
 here, I'd rather go with you now — immedi- 
 atelyr 
 
 To this the doctor wiUingly assented, and 
 Janet withdrew to put on her bonnet and 
 shawl — the only remaining portion of the 
 necessary preparations for her departure. 
 At the same time Grubb took his leave, 
 promising to see the doctor again in the 
 afternoon. 
 
 " Aweel, Meester Queddy," in a tone of 
 consolation said Mc Squills to the gentleman 
 with the one-pound-one, who with a down- 
 cast look sat biting his Hps for very vexation 
 and disappointment — " Aweel, it's just nae 
 use to give up to sorrow for your loss.'* 
 (Quiddy emitted a long deep sigh.) "I 
 dinna mean the loss of the siller, mon, which 
 you are above caring for, but of yoiu* guid 
 friend, the widow." 
 
 " In course," rephed Quiddy, " that's 
 what 1 mean." 
 
 " Meester Queddy — I'm varra greatly as-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 1G9 
 
 tonislied slie didna do better for you, for you 
 loved her varra sincerely." 
 
 " I lov — I liked her disinterested sir," said 
 Quiddy, rather angrily. 
 
 " Tenderly, Meester Queddy, tenderly, as 
 I weel ken ; your love for the old lady 
 brought you near to death's door, and it 
 would ha' been opened to you if I hadna 
 come to your assistance, for you had aw but 
 got the knocker in your hand, as a body 
 may say." 
 
 " I'd thank you not to touch upon that 
 'ere matter, sir," said Quiddy ; "it's of a 
 dehcate nature." 
 
 "But then," continued the doctor, " there's 
 her two-thirds of the stock in trade, which 
 (not meaning a paltry pun at it) is not to be 
 sneezed at. That's worth a guid round 
 hundred to you." 
 
 " I'm sure I haven't an idea," repHed 
 Quiddy, sulkily. 
 
 " Weel, mon, I never suspected you had, 
 so dinna fash yoursel'."
 
 170 rillXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " I mean of its vallij^ sir : it may be, or it 
 mayn't ; but it an't for its vally I consider 
 it." 
 
 " Meester Queddy" — again burst out the 
 imperturbable doctor, after a momentary 
 silence — " Meester Quiddy, I'm thinking the 
 widow ken'd your character right weel : she 
 just appreciated the dehcacy o' your senti- 
 ments. That guinea, Meester Queddy ! 
 what could be mair dehcate — or mair elegant 
 — or mair refined? Had she bequeathed 
 you Janet's portion (which is the Kon's 
 share unquestionably), or three hundred 
 pund, for instance — or twa hmidred — or ane 
 hundred — or even twenty pund — it would 
 ha' been coarse and vulgar in the compari- 
 son. But a guinea ! a delicate compliment, 
 varra !" 
 
 Quiddy sat writhing in his chair ; and his 
 tormentor having taken breath, was again 
 upon him : — 
 
 "Meester Queddy — I'm thinking that a 
 guinea is nae mickle money — that is to say,
 
 OU, SHEER INDUSTRY. 171 
 
 considered in the light o' money — in short, 
 it is but a wee bit money: and, considered 
 as a legacy it is an unco wee affair indeed. 
 But Meester Queddy — as times go, a guinea 
 is a guinea, after aw — it's just ane-and-twenty 
 shiUings, and quite enough, I'm taking the 
 freedom to tell you, to dispense upon siccan 
 a silly bauble, siccan a needless toy as a ring. 
 But then, the sentiment, Meester Queddy, 
 the sentiment!" 
 
 " Yes," said Quiddy, scarcely knowing 
 what to say, " that's it." 
 
 " Meester Queddy — how differently the 
 auld lady has treated Janet ! Nae dehcacy, 
 nae sentiment in the proceeding, de'il a bit. 
 She has left her naething but the goods, the 
 limiiture, and that like — aw money's worth, 
 Meester Queddy — and the trash o' siller too, 
 a guid five hundred pounds, at the least. But 
 where's the sentiment, as in your case, Mees- 
 ter Queddy? where's the dehcacy?" 
 
 " D — n the delicacy !" cried Quiddy, un- 
 able any longer to endure with patience the
 
 172 rmxEAS quiddy; 
 
 doctor's grave raillery ; " D — n the delicacy ! 
 I never cared about the money : but if I had 
 chosen to camey and earv^ig the old 'oman, 
 as some folks have done, I should have stood 
 as good a chance of getting some of it as other 
 folks — not that I care about it, not I !" 
 
 "True, varra true; and Mrs. Sanderson 
 ken'd that right weel, as her will shows. And 
 yet I must say she has not proved hersel' 
 ower grateful to you for your tender affec- 
 tion — always excepting the deHcacy and sen- 
 timent of the wee bit legacy, Meester Queddy 
 — whereas, I'm thinking that had you made 
 up to Janet instead, and married her — I say, 
 I'm just thinking — such are the contradic- 
 tions in the human character — the old wo- 
 man would have left you every stick and 
 stiver of her property." 
 
 Having paused for just long enough, as he 
 thought, to allow the barb of tliis last insi- 
 nuation to fix itself well in the heart of his 
 victim, Mc Squills continued — 
 
 " And it would be nae sae bad a thing for
 
 OR, SPIEER INDUSTRY. 173 
 
 you to marry Janet even now — always pro- 
 viding the lassie would have you, Meester 
 Queddy, the whilk I doubt — for she'd mak' 
 you a nice little wifie. As to the forfeiture 
 thereby of the trash o' siller, you are alto- 
 gether above any such sordid considera- 
 tion." 
 
 " I'm not thinking of marrying nobody," 
 peevishly said Quiddy ; " and as to Janet, 
 she knows well enough I wouldn't have her 
 if she was worth her weight in gold." 
 
 So saying, and to escape from further tor- 
 turing, he rose abruptly, and went forward 
 into the shop. 
 
 Meanwhile Janet had made herself ready 
 for her departure. Previously to quitting 
 her room she looked leisurely and attentively 
 around it, as if bidding a last farewell to eacli 
 familiar object ; then, just placing her head 
 upon the pillow on which it had enjoyed so 
 many nights of sweet and peaceful sleep, she 
 kissed it as though it had been a thing con-
 
 174 PHIJ^EAS QUIDDY; 
 
 scious of tlie grateful and alTectionate feeling 
 which prompted the act; and, having so 
 done, she, with a sigh, descended to the room 
 which had been the late Mrs. Sanderson s. 
 Here, witli her face buried in her hands, she 
 knelt at the foot of the bed in which her bene- 
 factress had expired, and murmured a sliort 
 prayer. As she rose, she perceived, lying on 
 a chair in a corner of the room, the old wo- 
 man's large bible, with her spectacles re- 
 maining in the very place where she had last 
 been reading. She went down stairs, and 
 timidly, and with some hesitation, asked the 
 doctor whether she might be allowed to take 
 something away with her " as a remembrance 
 of poor Mrs. Sanderson." 
 
 " Its aw your ain, Janet," said Mc Squills ; 
 " you may tak' ony thing you please except- 
 ing the snuff and tobacco — " 
 
 Janet ran up stairs as Mc Squills added, 
 " and Meester Queddy ; and he, I reckon, is 
 scarce worth the taking."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 175 
 
 Janet re- descended with the big bible under 
 her left arm, and a small blue paper band- 
 box, containing all her "things," in her 
 hand. 
 
 " I have taken this, if you please, sir," said 
 Janet, casting her eyes down at the volume. 
 " And now I'll bid Mr. Quiddy good-by, and 
 go with you." 
 
 The doctor went into the shop, and mo- 
 tioned to Quiddy to join Janet in the par- 
 lour. Janet took his hand in her right, 
 which was disengaged, and looked him earn- 
 estly, but mournfully in the face. He, on 
 the contrary, bent his eyes to the ground, and 
 looked at once sheepish and sullen. 
 
 For more than a minute (a long time 
 mider such circumstances) Janet endeavoured 
 to speak, but in vain. At length, in a low 
 and faltering voice, she said — 
 
 " It need not have been so, Phineas ; but 
 it's all your own fault. Good-by, for ever 
 — God bless you, Phineas." 
 
 She rushed past the doctor, wlio Avas
 
 176 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 waiting for licr in the shop, into the street, 
 and hastily turned in the direction of his 
 house. All that Quiddy said in reply to the 
 adieu was — 
 
 " Good-by Janet — I'm soiTy you re a- 
 Cfoing^." 
 
 " Meester Queddy," said Mc Squills, '' I 
 am not likely to trouble you with mony visits. 
 If you want to see me professionally, and 
 choose to send for me, I'll come to you. But 
 ye'll no hae forgotten my system of practice, 
 I reckon ; and so good day to you — Meester 
 Queddy." 
 
 That Janet once loved " Meester Queddy" 
 is a circumstance not to be wondered at — 
 (albeit she was, perhaps, the only one woman 
 to be found in ten thousand who could have 
 placed her affections on so unlovable an ob- 
 ject) — because love is an eccentric passion 
 defying and deriding rule: that (aware as 
 she had become of his heartlessness and 
 mean selfishmess) she still loved him, we 
 doubt. What, then, was the nature of her
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 177 
 
 sentiments towards him ? We believe it to 
 have been nothing more than that feehng of 
 settled and enduring kindness which, in 
 bosoms incapable of hatred, will not unfre- 
 quently supply the place that has once been 
 occupied by love. 
 
 VOL. I N
 
 178 PEINE AS QUIDDY; 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 More " Sheer Industry" — The Agonies of Composition 
 — Elegant Epistles. 
 
 "You don't say so!" exclaimed Qiiiddy, 
 with an air of the greatest astonishment. 
 
 " Why, what is there about it to astonish 
 you ?" said Grubb ; " you knew she was 
 going." 
 
 " I know she said she'd go," said Quiddy ; 
 " but I never thought she was in earnest. 
 Gone to Aberdeen !" 
 
 " She was not the girl to trifle, that I can 
 tell you,'' said Grubb ; " she remained not an
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 179 
 
 hour longer than was absolutely necessary to 
 arrange affairs, and yesterday she went." 
 
 We must here observe that the conversa- 
 tion into which we have rushed abruptly 
 had been commenced on the part of Grubb, 
 in the monosyllabic style of which we have 
 already given a specimen. 
 
 " Gone to Aberdeen !" again exclaimed 
 Quiddy ; and pointing to the spot where she 
 stood, when she bade him farewell, he pathe- 
 tically continued — " And it's only a week 
 ago that there she stood. — Poor Janet ! — 
 Gone ! — And, Mister Grubb, what's come 
 of the money ?" 
 
 " That's well secured, you may be certain," 
 rephed the attorney; "for I drew up the 
 trust-deed — ahem ! — and Doctor Mc Squills 
 and his bosom-friend, Mr. Davie Mc Endall, 
 the undertaker, are the trustees." 
 
 " And she may marry any body she likes, 
 eh?" 
 
 " ' Save and except Phineas Quiddy, at 
 present of Cow-lane, Shoreditch, dealer in 
 snuff and tobacco' — I quote the deed, Mr. 
 n2
 
 180 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 Quiddy — ' otherwise the whole of the said 
 sum of — ' " 
 
 "I know all that," said Quiddy, impa- 
 tiently ; " there's no call for your repeating 
 it." He paused for a moment, and then said, 
 " Trustees ? — Ha ! Then, I suppose, she 
 only gets the interest of the money after 
 aU?" 
 
 "And upon the interest of a clear five 
 hundred pounds she may live very comfort- 
 ably in Aberdeen. The odd sum of thirty- 
 eight pounds seventeen shillings and nine- 
 pence, she has taken with her for present 
 purposes" 
 
 " Thirty-eight, seventeen, nine," said 
 Quiddy, musingly : " and that she has taken 
 with her : what a sum for a giii that never 
 knew what it was to have a guinea of her 
 own ! what will she ever do with it ?" 
 
 " She has a notion," continued Grubb, not 
 noticing Quiddy's observations, " of opening 
 a small shop in the grocery line. By the 
 by, Mc Endall has given her a letter to his
 
 OB, SHEER INDUSTRY. 181 
 
 sister, who is settled there, and will advise 
 her on the matter; and, should it be thought 
 to her advantage to do so, the trustees will 
 let her have a hundred pounds to set up 
 with." 
 
 " A hundred pounds !" eagerly said Quiddj, 
 " a hv.iic\j-ed pounds ! Grocery Hue — non- 
 sense ! Let her set up in my hue, and send 
 me the money, and I'll supply her with stock 
 without a farthing profit. — There ! — and 
 that's acting hke an old fiiend." 
 
 " I don't think Mr. Mc Endall (one of the 
 trustees, remember) would consent to that; 
 for his sister's husband is in that way liim- 
 self, and might not be thankful to him for 
 sending down a rival in trade. But now, 
 Mr. Quiddy, if you please, we will return to 
 the business I came about." 
 
 " Oh — ah !" said Quiddy, pretending in- 
 difference ; " the furniture. AYliy, to be sure, 
 I did say I'd take it at a/a/r valuation, pro- 
 viding as how I was allowed time to pay for
 
 182 PEINE AS QUIDDY; 
 
 it ; l)ut forty -eight pounds fifteen is a mint 
 of money for it." , 
 
 " It is fairly worth more than double, as 
 you must well know," rephed Grubb. " And 
 now, to let you into a secret, it was Janet's 
 earnest wish that it should be given to you ; 
 but to that Doctor Mc Squills would not 
 listen." 
 
 " Curse Doctor Mc Squills !" muttered 
 Quiddy; "what business was it of his'n, I 
 should like to know. Besides," said the im- 
 gracious varlet, " as the girl has got all the 
 money, it was the least she could have 
 done. But the fellow never was a friend of 
 mine." 
 
 " He was so far your friend that, at Janet's 
 entreaty, he consented to let you have it at 
 the value set upon it by your own appraiser 
 (who between us, Mr. Q., is yoiu' intimate 
 friend), and to allow you a twelvemonth for 
 papnent. However, wc are willing to let 
 you off the bargain ; in which case we shall
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 183 
 
 clear the things away this afternoon, and sell 
 them by auction." 
 
 " Why, no — no," said Quiddy, with more 
 alacrity than might have been expected from 
 a dissatisfied purchaser ; " as the things be- 
 longed to the poor dear departed, Fll have 
 them for her sake." 
 
 The bargain was instantly concluded, cer- 
 tam papers were signed, and Grubb took his 
 leave. Scarcely was he outside tlie door, 
 however, when he was recalled by Quiddy. 
 
 " Mr. Grubb — Mr. Grubb — I was near for- 
 getting to say something particular." 
 
 " Then be quick, if you please, for I am 
 in haste," said Grubb. 
 
 " Mr. Grubb," said Quiddy, with a very 
 grave face, " we are all mortal." 
 
 " So I remember to have heard," said 
 Grubb. " Is that all you have to say ?" 
 
 " No ; but as I was saying, as we are all 
 mortal, I sliould Hke to know what comes 
 of all that money ifjwor Janet should die ?" 
 
 " She may bequeath it in any manner she
 
 184 PniNEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 likes," replied the other ; muttering as he 
 went away, " The rapacious, unfeeling brute!" 
 
 " That's all I wanted to know," said 
 Quiddy ; and then thought to himself — '' I 
 wonder whether Aberdeen is a healthy place." 
 
 It is an odd fact, that, on that very evening, 
 Quiddy sent to Mr. Rob'em, the appraiser, 
 an old-fashioned mahogany escritoir, of 
 which, in the course of his survey, the latter 
 had expressed a very significant admiration ; 
 and, three days afterwards, Quiddy sold a 
 quantity of articles which to him Avere use- 
 less (but which chiefly had been the parti- 
 cular favourites of the " poor dear departed") 
 for a trifle more than he was to pay for the 
 whole. And here again, the gams were, of 
 course, the result of " sheer industry." 
 
 Quiddy being now all alone m the business, 
 ordered to be painted in large letters over 
 his door, " Quiddy and Co." — the visionary 
 Co. appearing to give respectability, breadth, 
 and stability to his concern ; and being also 
 alone in the house, which he found too large
 
 OE, SHEER INDUSTRY. 185 
 
 for liis own purposes — for, Ms small establish- 
 ment, consisted merely of a small cheap boy, 
 who assisted him in the shop, and a smaller 
 and cheaper girl, who siipphed the place 
 which Janet had vacated by accepting cer- 
 tain Hundreds more substantial than the 
 Chiltern — he exhibited in his window a 
 notice of " Lodgings to Let." Quiddy did 
 not in addition to this announcement put an 
 advertisement into the " Times ;" but the 
 gossips, male and female, of the neighbour- 
 hood, served him quite as well : for, " Why, 
 if IVIr. Quiddy isn't letting his first floor !" 
 ran firom one to another of them with the 
 rapidity of wild-fire — the circumstance occu- 
 pying their thoughts and conversation till 
 displaced by some other local event of equal 
 importance. The fortunate consequence to 
 our hero of the determination to disencum- 
 ber himself of the superfluous portion of his 
 mansion, we shall presently see : in the mean 
 time, behold him in the mental agony of 
 bringing forth a letter.
 
 186 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 It was ten o'clock ; his household had re- 
 tired to rest ; and the shop — (or the divan^ 
 as it would be tenned in these march-of- 
 intellect days, of which one remarkable, but 
 anomalous characteristic is the love of calling 
 things by their wrong names) — was closed. 
 In solitude and silence, at the table in the 
 old back-parlour, sat Quiddy. Before him 
 lay a sheet of paper, on which he was look- 
 ing with '' lack-lustre eye ;" at his side was 
 a small dictionary, ready to act as an auxili- 
 ary in case of any important emergency ; in 
 one hand he held a pen, the feather-end of 
 which he was sedulously nibbhng, whilst the 
 other hand was occasionally employed in the 
 inspiring process of scratching his head. He 
 had been thus engaged for some time ; yet it 
 must be confessed that he had composed the 
 opening portion of liis epistle with consider- 
 able faciUty, that portion consisting of the 
 words, " Dear Janet." But, as it will some- 
 times happen to the best-intentioned letter- 
 writers, there he stuck. At length, after
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 187 
 
 many mighty throes, the " cunning epistle" 
 (to use an antiquated phrase in its modern 
 sense) appeared, in matter and form following 
 — the orthographical errors occurring, con- 
 trary to custom, in the shorter words, for 
 which the writer trusted to the fidelity of liis 
 own memory ; whilst in every case of doubt, 
 respecting those of starthng dimensions, that 
 is to say, of three or more syllables, he pru- 
 dently referred for information to his friend, 
 little Entick: — 
 
 " Dear Janet, 
 " This comes open to find you saif a rivd 
 and in good helht as i can not say it leafs Me. 
 It is impossible to describ how lonesum I 
 feal — and feal more greaft than ever that the 
 poor dear departed is gorn to a better plaice, 
 witch I wish it teas the contrary, but it is 
 no use to wish a Bout them as is ded. But 
 when ]VIr. Grub come to Me to settel a Bout 
 the fiu-niture 4 days a go it all most brock 
 My art to hear you was set of and not come
 
 188 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 to tak a Leaf off your oldest and best frend 
 tho i rejice in your good forting and that is 
 sum consolation, tho they have been uncom- 
 mon ard with me a Bout the furniture^ tho' 
 it was ther dooty to get the hist price they 
 could for you^ as it was your propitty and as 
 it is for your advantage I don't complane 
 but rejice in it for your sack tho it is raythur 
 hard in them upon a young Beginer. LIr. 
 Grub did not say 1 word to Me as to how 
 your afairs is arraingt" [Didn't he !] " but as 
 i sapos your littel safeings was run a way 
 with for your expencis to Abbydin" [!] ^' and 
 as i sapos your trusteas wont give you no 
 money as long as they can help it so if so be 
 you want 20 or 30 pound for any tiling" 
 [Considerate and disinterested ! 8/. 17s. 9d. 
 he could have added] " i will lend it you to 
 pay me when you lik without interest tho 
 when ever you get such a simi from tliem i 
 would advise you to put it out to interest to 
 sum old friend you can trust as it is not saif 
 to keep so much money a Bout you in a
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 189 
 
 strange contry [!] And now Janet i liave 
 a word of frenly advis to give you witcli is 
 to set up in sum way offbiznis that is if you 
 air resolve to stay ware you air and i should 
 recommend my line as i can stand your friend 
 most disinterested as i would suply you with 
 stock at prim cost as far as a 100 pound 
 without charging you a farething proffit to 
 pay me when you cann and if this is not being 
 a disinterested frend i dont no what is, but 
 you can not expec nothing less from your 
 " true and disinterested frend 
 "tiUdeth 
 "Phineas Quiddy." 
 
 " P.S. — As this is a nydee jist cum into 
 my ed dont rite to no Body in London a Bout 
 it whatsomever and dont you be advised by 
 sir anglers in Ahhydin against what i say 
 who is naturally your oldest frend and a 
 brother i may say so rite to me by return. 
 
 " I open this agin to say dont rite my advis 
 to no Boddy here and dont trust to strain-
 
 190 PIIIKEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 gurs who is naturally interested [to purswad 
 you not to open in thare line in opposition to 
 them] to advis you more for thair good than 
 yauern as it stands to reson in course, and 
 not like your disinterested old frend. 
 
 " P. Q." 
 
 The words between brackets in the post- 
 script Quiddy carefully erased, and substi- 
 tuted for them those that follow — recollect- 
 ing that they betrayed a greater knowledge 
 of Janet's contemplated arrangements than 
 was at all consistent with his innocent pro- 
 fessions of ignorance in the matter. 
 
 The letter was folded, Avafered, and sealed 
 with his arms (his heraldic distinctions, at 
 that time, being simply the impression of the 
 thumb of his right hand), and addressed to 
 " Miss Gray, at Mr. Sweenie's, Queen-street, 
 Aberdeen.'^ 
 
 The epistle from the gentleman to the lady 
 was crossed on the road by one from the 
 lady to the gentleman.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 191 
 
 "A letter already," thought Quiddy, as he 
 looked at that which the postman had just 
 delivered to him ; " why she can't have re- 
 ceived mine yet. Double — and post paid ! 
 I'll be hansred if she hasn't some favour to 
 ask of me, or she wouldn't be such a fool as 
 to do that. Well, let's see what it may be. 
 If it don't cost nothing and oxi't very trou- 
 blesome I'll oblige her: it can't do me no 
 harm in that case." 
 
 The letter was short and simple (at which 
 Phineas was not sorry), containing nothing 
 more than the following words — and a 
 twenty-pound bank-note — at which Pliineas 
 was very glad. 
 
 " Mr. Quiddy, 
 "As I have rot to Doctor Mc Squills 
 agreble to promis to let him no I arivt here 
 saf and well last nit, I thot you mit tak 
 it onkind if I did not let you no too. I op 
 you will not refus what I send as I have got 
 a gradil moor mony than I no what to doc
 
 192 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 with and you was not left any mony at all in 
 the will tho you had been in the fammaly 
 longer than me so Hook upon it like as your 
 doo — yet praps its rong of me to queschin 
 what my kind missis thot rite to do — and if 
 you refus it you will make me very onappy. 
 Pies not to tell Doctor Mc Squills about 
 what I send you as he might be angry with 
 me for it, and praying God to make you good 
 and appy 
 
 " I remain, 
 
 " Janet Gray." 
 " Pocrips. — Pies be sure you don't tell 
 Doctor Mc Squills, nor nobody else!' 
 
 We do not expect that these letters will 
 ever be honoured with a niche in the 
 collection of " Elegant Epistles," we give 
 them merely as illustrative of the minds and 
 characters of their writers: the one, In^o- 
 critical, tortuous, designing, and self-inter- 
 ested; the other generous and simple, truth- 
 ful, and direct. Quiddy's commentary on
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 193 
 
 the letter of his fair correspondent may 
 serve as a further illustration of these points. 
 " Well," thought he, gloating on the unex- 
 pected treasure ; " well, this is luck ! It is 
 very kind of her, to be sure — and yet, she 
 owns, it's no more than my due; — no more it 
 is, considering all things; — and she says her- 
 self she should not have known what to do 
 ■svith it, so she is none the worse for sending 
 it to me. And, as she says, moreover, it 
 would make her very unhappy if I refuse it, 
 why, I'll keep it. Now, I wonder whether 
 she got my letter b efore she wrote this. No, 
 she couldn't. In the first place, there wasn't 
 time; in the next, if she had, she wouldn't 
 have given me the money out and out, when 
 I only hinted to her to let me take care of it 
 for her. Besides, she takes no notice of 
 what I said about her setting up in business, 
 or of my hints about the furniture. Well," 
 continued he, rubbing his hands with dehght, 
 " considering Avhat she has done before she 
 has received it, all that will be sure to take 
 
 VOL. I.
 
 194 PniNEAS QuroDY; 
 
 with her afterwards : for I took uncommon 
 jDains Avith that letter, and an uncommon 
 clever one it certainly was. As to what Mr. 
 Grubb said about her wanting them to let 
 me have the furniture for nothing, that wasn't 
 true, or she would have taken good care to 
 write me of it, for nobody likes to hide 
 their candle under a bushel. — Now, come, 
 I'll acknowledge the receipt of this at once, 
 and then that's done with." 
 
 Of this letter, which was precisely such a 
 one as might be expected from the writer, 
 and which, amongst other things, declared 
 his heroic resolution to keep what she had 
 sent him, rather than make her unhappy, we 
 give merely the — 
 
 " P.S. As i would not get you into trubble 
 upon no a Count, you may trust to my oner 
 I never wil mention a syllable to Doctor 
 Mc Squills nor nobody in the world, nor 
 about any thing you ever sendmeinfuturP
 
 195 
 
 A post or two afterwards brouglit another 
 letter from Janet, acknowledging the receipt 
 of Quiddy's first; and wHcli, gratefully and 
 imaffectedly thanking hiin for his advice and 
 kmd offers of assistance and service, con- 
 cluded by informing him that in all matters 
 of importance to her, she considered herself 
 bound to act according to the directions of 
 her trustees. There being no invitation to 
 Quiddy to continue the correspondence, but, 
 on the contrary, a cold intimation that, if at 
 any future time she should have any thing to 
 say (which he pleasantly interpreted into 
 send)^ she would write to him ; he, now 
 knowing the resolution and sincerity of 
 Janet's character, felt his " uncommon clever 
 letter" to be a failure (so far as its objects 
 were concerned), and could only lament that 
 so much fine epistolary talent should have 
 been wasted. 
 
 o2
 
 19G PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 CHAPTEE XII. 
 
 Our Hero takes a Lodger, a Step which in its results 
 may prove to his Advantage — Country Life to a tho- 
 rough Londoner — A new View of " Sheer Industry" 
 opened — A Digression touching the prevalent Habit 
 of Smoking. 
 
 It may, perchance, be within the memory 
 of that obUvious personage whose testimony 
 is usually invoked to prove that he remem- 
 bers nothing of such or such an event ; or, 
 that, to the best of his forgetfiilness, the oc- 
 currence of yesterday stands mthout a pa- 
 rallel — (we mean "the oldest inhabitant,"
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 197 
 
 whose memory, for the reason that he is the 
 oldest, may naturally be somewhat the worse 
 for wear) — he may, peradventure, remember 
 some solitary instance of the " taking in and 
 doing for " a single gentleman, leading, in the 
 end, to the great benefit of the adventurer. 
 
 Scarcely had Quiddy exliibited his placard 
 of " Lodgings to Let," when he received an 
 offer for their occupation. 
 
 The apphcant, !Mr. Lickpenny, who for 
 many years had lived in the neighbour- 
 hood, was a widower of sixty (for he 
 had lately buried his wife) ; and who, 
 having saved some hundreds of pounds, 
 and possessing, besides, that negative, but 
 (by some people considered) inestimable 
 treasure, " neither chick nor child," had 
 retired from his business of a shoemaker. 
 He was a spare, pale man, with a slight 
 tendency to pulmonary consumption ; and of 
 a mild, meek disposition, as is not unfre- 
 quently the case with members of those 
 soothing crafts, of which his, we believe, is 
 considered to be one. Having looked around
 
 198 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 the rooms, examined the cupboards and 
 other conveniences, and cast an eye over the 
 furniture that remained in them, he took a 
 seat, and thus bec!:an : — 
 
 " The apartments are not ozjer-fumished 
 Mr. Q." 
 
 " ^YhJ — no," said Quiddy, timidly — for, 
 he had dispossessed them of ahnost every 
 article which was not absolutely indispens- 
 able to the merest convenience. 
 
 " I'm a quiet man, and don't require 
 much," continued Lickpenny ; '' so if you 
 will consider that circumstance in the rent, 
 why, perhaps, we may come together, Mr. 
 Q." 
 
 " Well, well," said Quiddy, in a tone and 
 manner intended to be indicative of his dis- 
 position to treat with fairness and liberality, 
 " I dare say we shan't fall out about that." 
 
 This plirase being the usual preliminary 
 of a hardly-contested bargain, there was, of 
 course, a ixood deal of haiialino; on both 
 sides ; in which encounter the tobacconist 
 had unquestionably the better of the shoe-
 
 OK, SHEER INDUSTRY. 199 
 
 maker. la the end, liowever, the parties 
 came to a mutual understanding, and Mr. 
 Lickpenny promised to take possession of 
 the lodgings on the evening of that day. 
 Quiddy scribbled a sort of agreement, which 
 the other contracting party having willingly 
 signed, he deposited it safely in his pocket. 
 
 "And now, Mr. L.," said Quiddy, " as we 
 have clenched the nail, let me ask how it 
 was you didn't settle in the country. The 
 whole neighbourhood said you intended to 
 do so ; and I can't help thinking it would 
 have been a pleasanter thing for you than 
 coming back to Cow-lane again, where you 
 have lived all your life — 'specially now 
 you're your own master." 
 
 " As to my being my own master now^ Mr. 
 Q., I don't exactly understand what you 
 mean," said Lickpenny, evidently not relish- 
 ing the implication conveyed in Quiddy 's 
 concluding observation : '^ I always was my 
 own master ; for though my poor, dear, lost 
 an<]jel of a wife did sometimes — but that's
 
 200 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 neitlier here or there. I suppose, all you 
 mean is that, as I'm now out of business, 
 I—" 
 
 " Exactly so," said Quiddy. 
 
 ^' I'll tell you how it is, J\Ir. Q.," continued 
 the other. "A man who has passed a 
 Lunnun life all his days, has but a dull time 
 of it when he comes to settle down in the 
 country. I've tried it, and it won't do. 
 No, no ; habit's habit. After slaving in my 
 shop six days of the week, it used to be a 
 pleasure to me to go out two or three miles 
 into the country on the Sunday. . Then, 
 when rambhng about the fields, without 
 seeing so much as a row of houses — ay, 
 sometimes for as long as five minutes toge- 
 ther — and drinking in the fresh air, as one 
 may say, I used to think that if ever I 
 should get rid of the turmoil of business, a 
 country life would be the hfe for me! Well ; — 
 as soon as I was a fi-ee man, I took a lodging 
 at Islington — and what can be more rural ! 
 for there's Pocock's Fields, Barnsbury Park,
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 201 
 
 and — . Well ; I rambled about from morn- 
 ing till night, having nothing else to do, and 
 thinking I should never be tired of it ; but, 
 after the first two or three weeks, I sighed to 
 be among my busy haunts again." 
 
 " I never knowed you'd got an aunt," said 
 Quiddy, innocently. 
 
 Without noticing the interruption, the 
 other continued: — 
 
 " And, then, when a rainy day happened 
 to come ! Oh, Mr. Q. !" (with more of a 
 groan than a sigh), "a rainy day in the 
 comitry to a Lumiuner ! And then, 
 the Sunday ^ Formerly, when Sunday 
 came it was my hohday : I used to go 
 somewhere into the country : — now^ I had 
 nowhere to go — I was in the country. I 
 declare to you, Mr. Q., that one Sunday, 
 after dinner, I walked up to Shoreditch, 
 by way of change, and passed the whole 
 afternoon in strolling about the empty 
 streets in this neighbourhood — and a great
 
 202 PIIINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 relief it was to me. Tarts are tarts, and 
 very nice things in their way they are, 
 and not a boy but likes them ; but 'prentice 
 him to a pastrycook, and give him nothing 
 but tarts from one week's end to another — I 
 So is the country to a thoroughbred Lun- 
 nuner, Mr. Q. — a sort of heaven to visit, but 
 a place quite the contrary to live in. I've 
 tried it, I tell you, and know it." 
 
 This truth, tested in the present case by 
 an experiment on a small and humble scale, 
 will be acknowledged (though perhaps im- 
 willingly) by many a man who, retired from 
 an exciting profession, an active employ- 
 ment, or a busy trade, has betaken himself 
 to some distant sylvan retreat, where, instead 
 of becoming that wdiich he had fondly hoped 
 to be, but for which habit has disquali- 
 fied liim — a happy country-gentleman — he 
 soon finds himself to be a mere discontented 
 o'entleman in the countrv. The success of 
 the experiment is the exception ; its failure
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 203 
 
 the rule. Some, like Lickpenny, or like 
 honest, good-humoured Frank Townly, the 
 retired tea-broker, will confess this : — 
 
 " Nice place this, eh?" said Frank to a friend 
 who went to pay him a Christmas visit at his 
 retreat in Somersetshire. " Charming place 
 — ha ! ha ! ha ! — mean to sell it. Famous 
 hunting, fine fishing, capital shooting — but 
 that's all. Tried it, but no go — ha ! ha ! 
 ha ! See here," continued he, pointing to 
 an almanac, and reading from it, " ' Twenty- 
 first of December, shortest daij — no such 
 thing here — but that's a town almanac — 
 ha ! ha ! ha ! In the country we have long 
 days, and longer, and the longest ; but for 
 the last two years and six months out of the 
 mortal three years that here I have been, I've 
 seen no such thing as a short one — ha ! ha ! 
 ha ! Mean to sell it — advertise it as the 
 property of a gentleman about to retire to 
 London — ha ! ha ! ha ! Use is second na- 
 ture : liave found that out. Hills ? — ^ive 
 me Cornhill. Gardens ? — uivc me Covent-
 
 204 PHINEAS QUTDDY; 
 
 garden. No, no ; no go, this, for an old 
 London bird like me — ha ! ha ! ha !" 
 
 Some are ashamed to confess the disap- 
 pointment which they really feel, and would 
 entice others to follow their example — Hke 
 the fox in the fable, who had lost his tail 
 and who endeavoured (by expatiating on 
 the beauty and advantage of being mth- 
 out one) to induce his fellow foxes to dock 
 theirs. These remind one of the anecdote 
 of the old French Marquis and the chimney- 
 sweeper who, in the first French Revolution, 
 were going in the same cart to the guillo- 
 tine. The Marquis, with tranquil dignity 
 was taking his snuff as composedly as if he 
 had been going to a levee at the Tuileries ; 
 while the sweep was howling and scream- 
 ing in a manner that made it tolerably 
 clear that he did not altogether rehsh his 
 journey. 
 
 " Mais, Monsieur," poUtely said the Mar- 
 quis, " si 9a ne vous arrange pas, au moins 
 n en degoutez pas les autres."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 205 
 
 So is it with them : they are unwilling to 
 " degouter les autres." 
 
 To retiu-n. — After musing for a minute or 
 two Lickpenny exclamied — 
 
 " Mr. Q , athought strikes me ! I am not 
 as young as I was the day I came into the 
 world by a good sixty years. For the 
 greater part of that time I was a fag ; and 
 now, havino; had the 2;ood luck to o'et out of 
 business, and the misfortune to bury my 
 poor angel of a wife, why, I've nothing to 
 think of but pleasure, and how to make 
 myself happy and comfortable for the rest of 
 my days — and high time I should. I've 
 enough to hve on, and have neither chick 
 nor child. Now — I hate trouble, I know 
 nothing about housekeeping — that was 
 always my poor angel's affair — and don't 
 want the care of it, if I did. What say 
 you ? Couldn't we contrive that I should 
 board with you?"
 
 206 nilNEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 ''la course, Mr. L., you mean by paying 
 fox- it ?" — said Quiddy, cautious to prevent 
 the possibility of any misunderstanding on 
 the subject. 
 
 " In course^' replied the other. 
 
 " "Why," said Quiddy, who, upon a mo- 
 ment's reflection, saw that he might gain 
 some advantage from the arrangement — 
 " Why, Mr. L., I don't see why not. Any 
 thing is to be done for money. Besides, !Mr. 
 L., where one can eat, two can eat — that's 
 my maxim." 
 
 " And an excellent maxim it is," said 
 Lickpenny ; drily adding — " always suppos- 
 ing there's enough to eat, INIr. Q., and the 
 second hkes what is provided." 
 
 " In course," again said Quiddy — " as he 
 pays for it." 
 
 " You'd find me easy to please, Mr. Q. : 
 notwithstanding, I own that I'm partial to 
 having my own way. I always — that's to 
 say, generally — had it even in my poor dear
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 207 
 
 angel's time — in reason, I mean in reason; 
 and now that Fm quite my own master, 
 have enough to hve on, and have neither 
 chick nor child, as I said before, why — 
 Come, Mr. Q. : what say you as to terms ?" 
 
 The repeated allusion to his having neither 
 chick nor child, although perhaps uttered by 
 the speaker without any particular intention, 
 did not pass unheeded by Quiddy. 
 
 " Oh ! as to terms," said the latter ; " why, 
 as I said before, we shan't fall out about 
 them." 
 
 And, as before, there ensued a sharpish 
 discussion; though, on the part of the to- 
 bacconist, certain trifling concessions were 
 granted more readily than in the previous 
 instance. At length, all points were ar- 
 ranged, even to the exchanging of the small 
 serving-maid for one of rather larger growth, 
 who should be capable of adding to her 
 other duties that of cook to the establish- 
 ment.
 
 208 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 And now, behold we Mr. L. domiciled 
 with Mr. Q., where for the present we will 
 leave him. 
 
 It happened about this time, that, one 
 Sunday afternoon, Quiddy, in the course of 
 his rambles among the more rural and se- 
 questered spots of Bethnal-green, observed a 
 small patch of ground (enclosed mthin four 
 walls, having a door at one angle) which 
 was to be let. What had been its original pur- 
 pose we know not. Quiddy walked around 
 it, and around it, looked at it again and 
 again, and fell into a deep meditation. 
 
 " The very thing," he said, as he slowly 
 walked homewards ; " the very thing." And 
 early next morning he was with the pro- 
 prietor of the small patch of ground, of 
 whom he presently agreed to rent it. 
 
 Now for what purpose could Quiddy pos- 
 sibly want the small patch of gromid at 
 Bethnal-green? It was too small to build
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 209 
 
 upon to any advantage, nor was Quicldy 
 suspected of a taste for gardening. As for 
 flowers, lie never " saw what good they were 
 of," and daisies and buttercups, he thought, 
 were of no other use, and grew for no other 
 purpose, than to afford to idlers in the fields 
 the amusement of knocking their heads off. 
 Now, we are not of that super-refined sect 
 of humanity-mongers who hold it to be sin- 
 ful to pluck a flower; or (to adopt their silly 
 jargon) " commit floricide^' because " for 
 any thing we are convinced of to the con- 
 trary, flowers may be susceptible of pain:" 
 as soon should we abstain from the eating of 
 gooseberry-tart from a horror of being an 
 accessory after the fact to the crime of ber- 
 ricidej by the wilful and malicious baking of 
 live gooseberries in a pie. Notwithstanding, 
 we consider a love of flowers to be, in most 
 cases, indicative of a kindly and gentle dis- 
 position and a rcfmcd taste, as the dislike or 
 disregard of them is, to a ccrtahi degree, 
 VOL. I. p
 
 210 rniNEAS quiddy; 
 
 evidence of coarseness and brutality. To 
 repeat his own witty saying, the only flower 
 Mr. Q. ever cared for was a boiled cauli- 
 flower. For what purpose, then, could he 
 have hired that little patch of ground ? 
 
 No sooner had Quiddy taken possession 
 of his small domain, than he caused to be 
 erected in one corner of it a dr}ing kihi, 
 whilst the remainder he planted with dock 
 and cabbages. 
 
 And, what then ? Why, not very long 
 afterwards there appeared in his window a 
 sheet of paper, on which he had inscribed 
 with his own hand — for, although he did 
 not pretend to spell like a dictionary, and 
 was somewhat loose in his syntax, he wrote 
 a good round hand, which, in his jocose 
 way, he was w^ont to boast, a bhnd man 
 might read as well Avithout spectacles as 
 with —
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 211 
 
 QUIDDY AND CO. 
 
 HAS JEST BIPORTERD 
 A SMALL QUANNTITTY OF 
 
 EALE HAVANY SEGARS. 
 
 The lower part of tlie sheet was ornamented 
 with a swan, which he had flourished with- 
 out once taking his pen from the paper! 
 This work of art might however have passed 
 with great credit for a goose, or a duck, or 
 indeed, for ahnost any other bird; but as he 
 intended it to represent a swan, and a swan, 
 moreover, he chose to call it, why, a swan 
 let it be. 
 
 Oh! prescribe to the fastidious a gentle 
 course of albums and of scrap-books, 
 and, hke us, how tolerant would they be- 
 come ! 
 
 The habit of cigar-smoking was not then, 
 as it is at present, common to one in a hun- 
 dred of the gentlemen, and t^Venty in every 
 p2
 
 212 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 score of tlie l^lackguards of London. The 
 harlequinade trick of, Presto ! transforming 
 dirty, squalid Swallow-street into one of the 
 most splendid thoroughfares* perhaps in the 
 world, had not yet been performed ; and that 
 splendid thoroughfare not then existing, it 
 may be proved, by the simplest logical pro- 
 cess, that it could not have been infested 
 nightly, and almost daily, as it now is, by 
 foreign couriers, valets de j)lace^ and low 
 gamblers — the refuse, in short, of all coun- 
 tries — each one mustached, be-whiskered, 
 and be-tipped; his hands, when not in 
 another person's pockets, thrust into his 
 own ; his arms a-kimbo ; his lank and greasy 
 hair falling? over his shoulders, and a ci^ar 
 stuck in a comer of his mouth. 
 
 We stop to make a remark. That the 
 
 * We mean Regent-street — this for the benefit of 
 countiy follvs.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 213 
 
 nasty fellows we have described, should be 
 considered as " the glass of fashion and the 
 mould of form" by the lowest class of Lon- 
 don clerks and shopmen (and the remark 
 applies to the lowest class alone) does not 
 much astonish us, for even monkeys imitate 
 best that which is most extrava<]^ant. But 
 that they should be adopted as models for 
 imitation in dress, appearance, and manner, 
 by any gentleman^ does astonish us very 
 greatly indeed. And it is singidar that it 
 should be only amongst English gentlemen, 
 who justly enjoy the reputation of being the 
 truest and finest gentlemen in Europe, that 
 a fashion should occasionally prevail of imi- 
 tating the common and the vulgar. Some 
 years ago, the language, manners, and ap- 
 pearance, nay, the very habits of stage-coach 
 drivers, were the mode with many of them ; 
 and so far was this carried, that a certain 
 one is said to have injured a fine set of teeth
 
 214 . PEINE AS QUIDDY; 
 
 by causing a hole to te bored between two 
 of the front, in order to enal)le him to spit 
 to as great a distance, and in as knowing a 
 way, as Dick (somebody) the Oxford coach- 
 man. This fashion, however, was less offen- 
 sive than that which has occasioned the 
 present digression, because it was confined to 
 a comparatively small number, and could 
 not, like it, be carried at all times into most 
 places. 
 
 Once upon a time, when dress and good- 
 manners were more observed in pubUc 
 places than they are at present, Lord North 
 thanked a gentleman who came in boots and 
 spurs into a box at the theatre, in which were 
 some ladies, for his polite consideration in 
 having left his horse at the door. TV^e know 
 not exactly that we ought to thank one 
 who comes into company, reeking with the 
 stale fumes of tobacco, for having left 
 his ciaar behind him: the fresh odour of
 
 OR, SQEER INDUSTRY. 215 
 
 the latter might probably be the more agree- 
 able. 
 
 The habit of cigar-smoking, we have said, 
 was not then so common as at present : pipes 
 were used — (pardon this display of anti- 
 quarian research, but we are not yet dubbed 
 F.S.A.) — and smoking, in any way, was 
 practised by men only. As for the silly 
 hobbledehoys, who may now be seen swag- 
 gering about the streets, and, with an assumed 
 air of manhood, puffing their filthy smoke 
 into the face of every one they meet, they 
 would just have been whipped for the 
 offence and sent to bed without their suppers. 
 And here, for the benefit of any future in- 
 quirer into the origin of popular phrases, let 
 us record that to these disgusting precocities 
 was first applied — " Does your mother know 
 you're out ?" 
 
 Notwithstanding these seeming impedi-
 
 216 pniNEAS quiddy; 
 
 ments to any considerable sale of his real 
 Havannali cigars, Quiddy did, in fact, dis- 
 pose of them both largely and rapidly. He 
 had certain customers whom he particularly 
 favoured; and, when he had a commodity 
 which he could " conscientiously recommend 
 as being prime^^ he would let them have it 
 at a price very little above that which he 
 would have charged for an inferior article. 
 So was it with his real Havannahs. 
 
 " This I can recommend," would he say : 
 " I imported it myself You know it is only 
 the very best tobacco that is made into cigars : 
 it's almost a sin to chop it up for the pipe ; 
 but, as you are an old customer, I don't 
 mind letting you have half-a-pound for only 
 threepence more than you pay for what you 
 usually smoke." 
 
 Then, the much-obliged customer, taking 
 a whiff, would give a knowing shake of the 
 head and frankly acknowledge, " Well, this 
 is something like !" — like many a pretended
 
 OE, SHEER DsDUSTRY. 217 
 
 connoisseur smacking his lips at a glass of 
 detestable rasj)berry-juice just brought from 
 the nearest tavern, and, which his kind en- 
 tertainer is sorry to assure him (and he does 
 so with a sigh) is nearly the last of the 
 small, but choice, batch which he himself 
 received direct from Laffitte's. 
 
 It was a curious coincidence that, in pro- 
 portion as the sale of the " real Havannah" 
 increased, the visits of Quiddy to his small 
 patch of ground became more frequent; 
 while the amount of his purchases at the 
 house of Pigtle and Chor, the wholesale to- 
 bacconists in Bishopsgate-street, diminished. 
 Now and then, too, would he be so fortunate 
 as to receive a small quantity of Virginia, 
 or other tobacco, of a " very superior qua- 
 lity" — in the raising of which, it might be 
 pleasing to him to reflect that those first 
 cousins to monkeys, and our brethren, the 
 negroes, had not been very severely over- 
 tasked. So thriving, indeed, had his trade
 
 218 PIirN-EAS QUIDDY; 
 
 become, that, for the convenience, to say no- 
 thing of the dignity of the thing, he soon 
 opened an account with Messrs. Spec, 
 Smasher, and Straw, the bankers. 
 rare " sheer industry !'*
 
 219 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Our Hero's Benevolence increases — An ingenious expe- 
 dient for lending Money to great Advantage though 
 at fair legal Interest — By dint of disinterested Atten- 
 tion to his Lodger he gets into his Favour — News 
 from Janet. 
 
 As his capital increased, Quiddy was 
 enabled to extend the sphere of his benevo- 
 lence. He could now accommodate with 
 loans a greater number of his friends, and to 
 a larcrer amount. He had lonsr abandoned 
 the practice with which he had started in 
 his financial career, of Icndino- insicmificant
 
 220 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 sums to liis poorer customers : tlic profit was 
 not commensurate with the trouble. He 
 would now succour a distressed tradesman 
 with the loan of a hundred, or even two 
 hundred pounds; always taking care to re- 
 ceive such security as should render the 
 smallest loss an impossibility, and cautiously 
 abstaining from the receipt of one single far- 
 thing beyond the legal interest. But he had 
 in one corner of his shop a package, very 
 neatly made up, and easily portable, * con- 
 taining a gross of small, tin, snuff-canisters, 
 the real value of which was about just as 
 many pence. In all his loans this one single 
 package played a prominent part, for it was 
 always given as a portion of the amount, 
 varying from a fifth to a fourth, according to 
 circumstances ; as for instance : — 
 
 " You want a hundred pounds," he would 
 say ; " very well, you shall have it, and I 
 shall take at the rate of five per cent, interest 
 — no more. But I cannot let you have
 
 221 
 
 the wlaole sum in casli : you must receive 
 twenty-pounds'-wortli of canisters, in part." 
 This arrangement being perfectly well un- 
 derstood by the accommodated party, he 
 would pocket eighty pounds in money {minus 
 the interest) and carry away the little pack- 
 age as the representative of the remainder. 
 Having walked halfway down the street, 
 he would return, and hmocently inquire 
 whether Mr. Quiddy happened to want a 
 gross of tin canisters ; and the latter answer-i 
 ing in the affirmative, the vender would re- 
 ceive a few shillings in payment for them. 
 They would then be restored to their place, 
 there to remain till again required for a 
 similar purpose. And thus had Quiddy the 
 gratification of reflecting that, by his bene- 
 volent aid, was the inevitable ruin of an 
 unfortunate tradesman delayed — till a few 
 weeks later. 
 
 It is by no means certain that Phineas 
 Quiddy was the originator of this ingenious
 
 222 PIIINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 method of " cheating the devil." We recol- 
 lect in Paris a young French officer of the 
 body-guard coming one evening into a room 
 full of company, gay and laughing, and 
 holding a mouse-trap above his head. — ^' Qui 
 en veut des souricieresf cried he; "Who 
 wants any mouse-traps ? I have just been 
 raising iive thousand francs: and my arabe 
 [the French cant- word for an usurer] has 
 debited me with one thousand for as many 
 mouse-traps. He has given me this one for 
 present use, and is to supply me with the 
 other nine hundred and ninety-nine, as I 
 may occasionally want them." 
 
 Quiddy and his lodger had gone on very 
 comfortably together for several weeks, and 
 the latter had frequently expressed his per- 
 fect satisfaction at the manner in which he 
 was treated ; and well he might ; for Quid- 
 dy's deference to his wants and wishes (some- 
 times to his own inconvenience, and, occa-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 223 
 
 sionally, a little to liis cost) was surprising. 
 How was this to be accounted for ? Was it 
 that he was becoming less intensely selfish 
 than heretofore, or that a single spark of 
 generosity had found its way into his bosom ? 
 Could he have been influenced by Lickpen- 
 ny's occasional allusions to his misfortune of 
 " having neither chick nor child ;" or, by the 
 circumstance that Lickpenny himself was 
 (to use Quiddy's expression) " an unnatural 
 son," so that, should he die intestate, there 
 would be no legal representatives to claim 
 his property, which, moreover, was all 
 funded ? Of this last fact, together with its 
 amount (about eighteen hundred pounds) he 
 had, by some indirect means, become in- 
 formed; but he always carefully concealed 
 from his lodger his knowledge of it. 
 
 One evening when they were smoking 
 their pipes together, Qiiiddy, with some ab- 
 ruptness, expressed his wonder at never 
 having known a relative of Lickpenny 's
 
 224 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 to visit him, and inquired whether he had 
 any. 
 
 After some hesitation, Lickpenny, adopt- 
 ing a periphrastic and circumlocutory form 
 of words of exquisite dehcacy, rephed — 
 
 " I'll tell you ]iow it is, Mr. Q. You must 
 know it was not till after I had popped my 
 head into the world, that my father and 
 mother happened to recollect that, somehow 
 or other, they had quite forgot to get mar- 
 ried; and, as they both died very shortly 
 afterwards, why, there wasn't time for them 
 to repair the omission. Now, it is probably 
 owing to that circumstance that, properly 
 speaking, as my lawyer says, I never had 
 any relatives at all." 
 
 " It is a thousand pities you haven't a 
 son," said Quiddy. " I don't mean a mere 
 boy; that would be more plague than plea- 
 sure ; but a young man of — of about my 
 age, like: it would be a great comfort to 
 you, at your time of life."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 225 
 
 " That's all a chance, Mr. Q. ; it might be, 
 or it might not : all would depend upon his 
 conduct. Yet I own I sometimes feel the 
 want of one." 
 
 " Not so much since you have been here, 
 I hope, for I try all I can to make you happy 
 and comfortable. — I say, Mr. L.," continued 
 he, with a simper : " it's very odd, but one 
 can t help one's feelings, you know ; but, 
 really — really, I do somehow feel for you at 
 times for all the world like a son. I dare 
 say you will laugh at me for it ; but I 
 ahvays ivas a very great fool about my 
 feelings." 
 
 Affectionate creature ! 
 
 " I don't see any thing to laugh at," said 
 the other ; " on the contrary, I take it very 
 kind of you ; and, to say the truth, I have a 
 sort of Uking for you: you are attentive to 
 me; you treat me well, and — " 
 
 " And quite disinterested, that you must 
 
 VOL. I. Q
 
 226 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 know," said Quiddy, interrupting him, '' it 
 isn t as II — 
 
 '' If what ?" 
 
 " Why, as I said, ichen I was told it hy 
 somebody y just after you came to hve here 
 — '- It was the best thing he could do,' says I, 
 ' to sink all his money in an annuity for his 
 own hfe, seeing as how he has got nobody to 
 leave it to ; he gets a better income by it, 
 and the old gentleman is right to take care of 
 Number One. And then,' says I, ' when he's 
 gone, aU's gone : so he's in no fear of people 
 pretending to hke him for what they may 
 get. If, indeed, he had children of his own, 
 or any body at all he cared about, it would 
 have been a different matter,' says I ; ' in that 
 'case he would not have sunk his money; 
 he would have made a will, for it's a great 
 comfort to know what is to become of one's 
 money after one is dead and gone.' " 
 
 " Mr. Q.," said Lickpenny, " I don't know
 
 OK, SHEER IXDUSTRY. 227 
 
 wlio may have told you that, but / can tell 
 you—" 
 
 He checked Hmself, and paused — knock- 
 mg the ashes out of his pipe, and looking 
 into his tobacco-box, which he found to be 
 empty. 
 
 " But ivhat, Mr. L. ?" inquired Quiddy, 
 drawmg a little closer to the old man. 
 
 " That I want some tobacco," was the 
 reply. 
 
 Quiddy went into the shop, and filled the 
 box. 
 
 " And now, Mr. L.," said he, as he re- 
 sumed his seat and returned the box, " you 
 must do me a favour — I have often thought 
 of asking it, but I have been afraid of 
 ofiending you. It actually goes to my heart 
 to charge you for your little modicums of 
 snuff and tobacco — it isn't pleasant between 
 friends. Now you must allow me, for the 
 future, to fill your boxes for you in a friendly 
 q2
 
 228 rillNEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 way ; or — there's the shop, and you have 
 only to lielp yom^self whenever you please 
 — the real Havannah or any thing you 
 choose. Now, will you, Mr. L. ? It's no 
 object out of such a quantity, indeed it 
 an t. 
 
 " Why, really, Mr. Q., that is very hand- 
 some of you; but, indeed — Well — I take your 
 offer : there will always be some way or other 
 of making the matter up." 
 
 "Don't talk of that, or you'll hurt my 
 feehngs. I wouldn't have you think me selfish 
 or interested; for, whatever that Doctor 
 Mc Squills may say, if I have a good 
 quahty at all, it is that I — By the by, 
 what were you a-going to say just now, 
 Mr. L. ?" 
 
 " Ay, who informed you, that I — " 
 
 " Oh, about the annuity ! Why it was — 
 no, it wasn't, neither — and really I can't re- 
 collect."
 
 OK, SHEER INDUSTRY. 229 
 
 " Well, it is of no consequence," said Lick- 
 penny, dropping the subject, which was not 
 afterwards resumed. 
 
 " Bill for pa}anent, sir ; forty-eight fifteen," 
 said a banker's clerk, who entered the shop 
 one morning, and drew fi:om a large, black- 
 leathern pocket-book, of plethoric appear- 
 ance, one of those oblong sHps of paper, 
 whose insultingly ironical " Please to pay," 
 means, as authoritatively as a command of 
 the Sultan IMahomet Fuz — " pai/ whether it 
 please you or no." Oh, the insidious, the 
 wicked, mock-humihty of these things I 
 
 " Ay, / know," said Quiddy, slowly and 
 sulkily taking his cash-box from a small iron 
 closet in a corner of the shop ; " / know : for 
 the furniture. A twelvemonth soon comes 
 round, but I'm prepared for it. [All this he 
 muttered while counting out notes to the 
 amount.] I could give you a check on my
 
 230 pniNEAS quiddy; 
 
 banker — for I keeps a banker, Mister — but 
 I suppose you'd as soon take cash. The 
 cursed old Jezebel ! and that artful, legacy- 
 hunting young devil ! I did think she'd have 
 let me off paying for the rotten old sticks, 
 when the time came round — it's the least she 
 could have done. Not that I care much 
 about it, for, thank my stars, the money's no 
 great object to me. Only I should have 
 vally'd it just for the look of the tiling. 
 Howsever, it's a very hard case — very ! a 
 regular grievance, I may say. I'll tell you 
 the rights of it, and be judged by you, 
 Mister." 
 
 The latter part of this speech was delivered 
 while Quiddy, with his back towards the 
 banker's clerk, was engaged in replacing his 
 cash-box in the iron closet, and carefully 
 locking the latter; and, during this time the 
 clerk (having taken the money and receipted 
 the bill, and, as is not luililvcly, having 
 something of more importance to attend
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 231 
 
 to than Qniddy's " grievances") had left the 
 house. 
 
 " Well, that's what I call vastly polite 1" 
 muttered Quiddy, on perceiving that his in- 
 tended victim had escaped. 
 
 Of all earthly bores, the most deadly, per- 
 haps, is a man with a grievance ; and to one 
 of these, there is no disappointment more 
 severe than the escape of a listener whom he 
 thought he had fairly hooked. 
 
 He continued to mutter, ". Vastly pohte 1" 
 — " Ungrateful old hag !" — " The toadying, 
 legacy-hunting, young hussy ! I can't abide 
 such mean, such interested, such — " 
 
 Here his soliloquy was interrupted by the 
 wheezing cough of old Lickpemiy, who had 
 not yet risen ; and with almost the celerity of 
 thought, Quiddy was at his bedside. 
 
 For some months past, the old man's ail- 
 ment (pulmonary consumption) had been on 
 the increase ; and partly for this reason, and 
 partly because he did not know what else to
 
 232 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 do with his time, he was in the habit of lying 
 late abed. 
 
 It is no uncommon thing to hear some sex- 
 agenarian complain that newspapers are not 
 as distinctly printed nowadays as they used 
 to be : that theatres are not as well adapted 
 for seeing and hearing as formerly they were : 
 that public amusements, generally, are not 
 as amusing now, as he can remember them 
 to have been : that even the very nature and 
 character of women have deteriorated, they 
 being no longer such " nice creatures," nor 
 by any means so captivating and affectionate 
 as they used to be in his younger days ; — 
 with a long catalogue of other complaints of 
 changes, all for the worse, in things in ge- 
 neral, but chiefly in those that more parti- 
 cularly affect the senses. But all people, of 
 all ages, complain of the alterations in the 
 seasons; while Lickpenny (having nothing in 
 the world to occupy his time) w^as positively 
 certain, either that the diu-ation of the houi'
 
 OR, SHEER I]ST)USTRY. 233 
 
 had mucli increased, or that more than foiir- 
 and-twenty were squeezed into one day — for 
 that the day now seemed to him as if it never 
 would come to an end. 
 
 " Daddy," said Qiiiddy, in a tone of ex- 
 treme tenderness (for Daddy was the term of 
 endearment he was wont to bestow upon the 
 sick fimdholder) — " Daddy, I am afraid you 
 an't quite so well this morning — I heard 
 your poor dear cough, and came immediately 
 to see how you do." 
 
 It may here be mentioned that tedium 
 (occasioned by want of occupation), toge- 
 ther with his increasing illness and infirmi- 
 ties, had rendered the old man irritable and 
 impatient, and occasionally morose ; so that 
 it must be allowed that Mr. Quiddy did not 
 lead a very pleasant life with him. How- 
 ever, as most people have their motives for 
 enduring that which may not be altogether 
 agreeable to them, we must suppose that he, 
 in the case in question, had his.
 
 234 PniNEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " Come to get me up because you want 
 your breakfast, I suppose," said Lick- 
 penny. 
 
 " Oh no, indeed, Daddy," said Quiddy, 
 with fawning submissiveness ; " you know I 
 would not have breakfasted without you if 
 you hadn't come down for a month — no, not 
 if you'd never come down." 
 
 Herein, perhaps, did the disinterested 
 speaker "protest too much" — but, in a posi- 
 tion Hke his, it may probably be in the na- 
 ture of tilings that it should be so. 
 
 " WeU, what's o'clock ?" 
 
 " A leetle past eleven. Daddy." 
 
 " Well, I shall come down presently ; and, 
 d'ye hear ? don't keep me w^aiting a minute 
 for my breakfast when I'm ready for it : you 
 know I can't bear to be kept waiting for my 
 meals." 
 
 "I know it. Daddy," was the meek 
 reply. 
 
 "And, d'ye hear? wait breakfast till I
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 235 
 
 come: you know I can't bear to take my 
 meals by myself." 
 
 " You know I always do, Daddy ; though 
 I must say it is sometimes uncommon incon- 
 venient." 
 
 " Well — I pay for having my own way, 
 and I will have my own way. Even in my 
 poor dear angel's lifetime I always — some- 
 times — so if it does not suit you, why — 
 Well ; no matter : I'm an unhappy old man ! 
 nobody to care for me ; neither chick nor 
 child ; no one to — " 
 
 " Now that's very unkind of my old Daddy. 
 An't I like a son to you? I'm siu-e you 
 sometimes say I am." 
 
 " Well ; perhaps you're not so bad, after 
 all. Go — stop — and, d'ye hear ? — Nothing 
 — I forget what I was going to say." 
 
 And Quiddy left the room, grumbling m- 
 wardly, and wishing his " Daddy" in the 
 company of the " poor dear angel," wherever
 
 23G PEINE AS quiddy; 
 
 she might be : at the same time vituperating 
 puhnonary consumption on account of its 
 culpable inactivity, as a disgrace to the cata- 
 logue of contrivances for despatching old 
 j)eople from this world to the next. 
 
 This may serve, once for all, as a specimen 
 of the slavery to which our " sheer-industry" 
 friend thought it a good speculation to sub- 
 mit. AYliether his virtuous resignation was 
 destined to be in the end its own reward, or 
 to be recompensed by something if not so 
 purely honorary, yet quite as useful, we shall 
 in due time see. Meanwhile his house was 
 turned topsyturvy; his domestic arrange- 
 ments (which had all been admirably con- 
 trived to afford the greatest attainable degree 
 of comfort to Mr. Phineas Quiddy, and to 
 that gentleman alone) were overturned ; his 
 usual habits and mode of Hfe, as well as the 
 recreations (such as they had been) of his 
 leisure hours he was compelled to forego ;
 
 237 
 
 his — In short, had he possessed a soul, he 
 would scarcely have dared to call it his own, 
 had his lodger thought lit to question his 
 property in it. \ 
 
 A few days after this — that is to say, a few 
 days after that upon which Quiddy received 
 the unwelcome visit of the banker's clerk — 
 the post brought him a letter from Aber- 
 deen. We need scarcely say it was from 
 Janet. 
 
 " What can this be about, I wonder," 
 thought he. " She hasn't wrote to me for a 
 twelvemonth, not since she sent me that twenty 
 pound. What can she have to write about 
 now ? Oh ! I dare say it is to tell me the 
 trustees have sent her the money for the fur- 
 niture, which the cameying creechur would 
 never have had if I had bemean'd myself to 
 earwig the old woman as she did. — Well — 
 let's see." 
 
 The letter being post-paid, he did not im- 
 mediately perceive that it was charged as
 
 238 PIIINEAS quiddy; 
 
 double : liis astonishment, therefore, was the 
 greater when on opening it he found it to 
 contain an order upon a London banker for 
 forty-eight pounds fifteen shillings ! To him 
 this was the most important portion of its 
 contents : the rest was merely as follows : — 
 
 " Aberdeen, 
 
 ''the of . 
 
 "Mr. Quiddy, 
 
 " I hav not rot you sens the last time not 
 
 haven nothen to trobel you a Bowt. as you 
 
 no Doctor Mc Squills is my prensipol trusty 
 
 and that i must rite to him sum tims i dar say 
 
 you cawl sum tims to ask him a bout me 
 
 without my trobelen you with a letter on 
 
 purpus. My axyden to my leg gits wussun- 
 
 wuss if enny thing, and now i lay on a sofy 
 
 all day, but the entrest for my muny is quit 
 
 a nuf for me to live on with the family i bord 
 
 and log with or it would be wuss for me as i 
 
 canot work, but my elth is very good excep
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 239 
 
 my axyden to my back also for witcli the Lord 
 as in all things be prased and his will be don. 
 " & I reman, 
 
 "Janet Gray. 
 
 " P.S. — At the saim time I send you the 
 muny for the fernytur witch they sent me 
 yestaday as i always ment to do it as soon as 
 i got it as i think it is your rite and plese not 
 tell eny boddy as it will get me ill will, plese 
 not by no mens.'^ 
 
 The dry style of address and subscription 
 in this letter, as in a former one, is remark- 
 able : 
 
 " Mi\ Quiddy," and " I remain, Janet 
 Gray." This will presently be accounted for. 
 
 In taking it for granted that the gentleman 
 made an occasional inquiry concerning her, 
 Janet assumed that he felt just sufficiently 
 interested in her welfare to put himself to 
 that trouble. No such thing : convinced by
 
 240 PIIIXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 her last letter that his expectations of serving 
 her, hy taking a part in tlie management of 
 her pecuniary affairs, were hopeless, she was 
 no longer an object of any consideration to 
 him. Indeed, had it been otherwise, the 
 therapeutic process so successfully practised 
 upon him by Mc Squills (which he never 
 forgot nor forgave) had inspired him with a 
 dishke of the doctor so intense as to be 
 equalled only by the doctor s contempt for 
 him; so that these parties never willingly- 
 put themselves in each other's way. And 
 when, upon two or three occasions, they ac- 
 cidentally met in the streets, Quiddy pre- 
 tended not to see his medical friend — from 
 the fear, probably, of being honoured with 
 one of his well-remembered gripes of the hand. 
 Some of the allusions, therefore, in the letter 
 just received, were, as the receiver expressed 
 it, " gibberish" to him. For the rest, he was 
 sufficiently grateful to acknowledge that the 
 girl had done the right thing at last by re-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 241 
 
 turning him liis money — though he thought 
 that, in justice, she could not have well done 
 otherwise ; and sufficiently anxious about the 
 accident alluded to (the effects of which were 
 becoming worse and worse) as to wonder 
 what might be the nature of it. and to won- 
 der, also, — what, should she die of it, she 
 was hkely to do with all her money. 
 
 " Shall I go to that infernal doctor," thought 
 he, " and get the rights of it, or shall I not ?" 
 
 As the history of Janet since her depar- 
 ture from London may be briefly told, we 
 will tell it in the short interval occupied by 
 Quiddy in making up his mind touching the 
 important question by which it is occupied. 
 
 VOL. I. R
 
 242 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 CHAPTER XIY. 
 
 Janet at Aberdeen — Apostrophe to Iron Hoops : use- 
 ful Promoters of the Science of Surgery — A Hmt to 
 the Police, ^vhlch they may take if they choose — 
 Janet's Accident. 
 
 Furnished witli a letter of introduction 
 from one of lier trustees, Mc Endall the un- 
 dertaker, to liis relations, Mr. and LIi's. 
 Sweenie, Janet immediately on lier arrival 
 in Aberdeen, went direct to their house ; 
 and they (having been apprized by ^Ic 
 Endall of the visit of Janet, whom he com-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 243 
 
 mended, as a good girl, to their kindest care, 
 acquainting tliem also witli the exact state 
 of her affairs) had prepared for her recep- 
 tion. They received her with open arms. 
 Had she been a daughter of their own, their 
 welcome of her could not have been more 
 cordial ; and poor Janet was overwhelmed 
 with confusion, and subdued by gratitude, at 
 the kindness and hospitality of these worthy 
 people, when they insisted upon her taking up 
 her abode with them — she merely paying for 
 her board and lodging at the rate of twenty 
 pounds per annum. But, as they assured 
 her (and truly too) that, having a numerous 
 family of their own, which they must pro- 
 vide for, and a spare room in the house 
 which was seldom or never occupied, her 
 presence would scarcely make a sensible 
 addition to their expenses, Janet consented 
 with less reluctance to accept the obligation^ 
 and was besides delighted to find that this 
 r2
 
 244 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 arrangement would leave something of what 
 seemed to her her vast income for other ne- 
 cessary expenses. We cite this, not intend- 
 ing to censure the Sweenies (in whose pro- 
 ceeding there was in fact nothing censur- 
 able), but as an instance of Janet's simph- 
 city. 
 
 Janet had been about three months under 
 the roof of her new friends, in the course of 
 which time many projects for her settlement 
 in some business had, by turns, been canvassed 
 and rejected. To say the truth, she herself 
 was indifferent upon the subject : she was 
 happy and contented with her present posi- 
 tion : she was without care, her wants were 
 supplied, and her time was sufficiently and 
 agreeably occupied in assisting Mrs. S weenie 
 in the management of the family. 
 
 The business of Sweenie, " though good, 
 and tolerably extensive, yielding fair and 
 reasonable profits, might, in certain hajids
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 245 
 
 and by certain oneans^ have been improved 
 by the assistance of such a capital as Janet's 
 fortune could have supplied, and she herself 
 been benefited in a degree by embarking it 
 therein. It may seem strange, therefore, 
 that it had never occurred to Sweenie to 
 suggest to her such an arrangement. But 
 no : having been brought up as an honest, 
 straightforward, fair-deahng tradesman, he 
 found that the small capital which he had 
 inherited from his father was, "\vith right 
 management, sufficient for all fair pm-poses ; 
 and being moreover in besotted ignorance of 
 the Quiddeian system of " sheer industry," 
 he might probably have considered so large 
 an addition to it rather as an incumbrance 
 than a help. Yet he brought up his large 
 family reputably ; and if, at the year's end, 
 his property had not gTcatly increased, he 
 had never the ill-fortune to find tliat it 
 had diminished — and for this he was grate- 
 ful. As we shall have but little more to
 
 246 pniNEAS quiddy; 
 
 do with liim, we may as well say at once 
 that he lived to a good old age, and died 
 (hke Sandy Sanderson) immeasurably less 
 wealthy than we find Mr. vSheer-indiistry 
 Quiddy even at this present stage of his 
 career, w 
 
 Janet had been about three months in 
 Aberdeen, and 
 
 And here we have to state a singidar fact, 
 for which we can in no other manner ac- 
 count, than by recollecting that Janet was a 
 plain little body, destitute of all personal at- 
 tractions. It was soon and generally known 
 that " the lassie had got the siller :" yet, not- 
 withstanding this temptation, the poor girl 
 did not, in the whole course of these three 
 months, receive a single ofler of marriage — 
 except from an exciseman, a ganger, a cus- 
 tomhouse-officer, two tradesmen whose cre- 
 dits were in a rickety state, five students of 
 the university, and an ensign and a lieutenant
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 247 
 
 in the same company of a regiment quar- 
 tered in the place. These two last fought 
 in consequence of their discovered rivalry ; 
 and, in the encounter, Lieutenant Mc Shane 
 received his adversary's (Ensign Mc Shin- 
 die's) ball in a diagonal line about eighteen 
 inches above the left side of the top of the 
 crown of his foraging-cap. But, as Janet 
 abided by her resolution of remaining un- 
 married, all these suitors were in turn re- 
 jected. 
 
 It may be inquired — Did Janet ever think 
 of her once beloved ? — Sometimes, when she 
 could not help it: she never voluntarily 
 soug-ht the remembrance of him. 
 
 Did she still love him?— No. She had 
 discovered, beyond the possibility of doubt, 
 that he was heartless, mean-spirited, and self- 
 interested. Without knowing exactly " what 
 was the matter with herself," she did, in fact, 
 despise him ; and love and contempt for the 
 same object can scarcely be coexistent in the
 
 248 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 same bosom. She was too gentle, too hu- 
 mane, too reUgious, knowingly to despise the 
 meanest thing that lived ; and had she been 
 aware of the true character of her present 
 feehng towards him, she would have consi- 
 dered it a duty to endeavour at least to sup- 
 press it. 
 
 " How strange it is ! I loved hun once ; 
 I love him no longer; I never can love him 
 agam : but, then, he is such a very odd per- 
 son r And Avith this solution of the phe- 
 nomenon was she satisfied, without ever at- 
 tempting to seek deeper for its cause. 
 
 How, then, are we to account for her con- 
 tinued kindness towards him, as manifested 
 by her gift ? 
 
 There was in fact nothing of kindness in 
 the case. What she did was merely in the 
 fulfilment of an act of justice, as she con- 
 ceived it to be. Mrs. Sanderson, in the dis- 
 tribution of her property, had been, as Janet 
 always thought, too partial towards her, and
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 249 
 
 that Quiddy, as an older servant than herself 
 had, upon that account, deserved to be better 
 rewarded. Under this impression, had she been 
 allowed to divide the property equally with 
 him, she would have done so ; but this not 
 being the case, she considered it as incum- 
 bent on her to reduce^ at least to the extent 
 of her abihty, the inequahty. 
 
 We have seen that she was not permitted 
 to make a present of the furniture to Mr. 
 Q. ; but as the time for payment for its pur- 
 chase approached, her entreaties to her 
 trustees were earnest and frequent that, 
 when he did pay, they would send the money 
 to her, because she had " most patiklar oca- 
 tion for it." What that particular occasion 
 was, we know ; and although they suspected 
 it, yet the sum not being very considerable, 
 they chose to wink at it and comply with 
 her request — else that money would have 
 been added by them to her store, and there- 
 by have increased her little income.
 
 250 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 What we have said touching the state of 
 Janet's lieart will, coupled with the natural 
 truth and sincerity of her character, account 
 for the dry style of address and subscription 
 which she adopted when writing to the 
 charming creature who had once been the 
 object of her affection. Without accusing 
 her of the folly of supposing that by subscrib- 
 ing herself " your obedient and most humble 
 servant," she would thereby consign herself 
 to you as your slave, she, nevertheless, was 
 so ignorant of the fictions of epistolary forms 
 as to think she should be practising upon 
 him an unjustifiable delusion by addi'essing 
 him as " Dear Phineas," or even " Dear Sir," 
 when he was no longer dear to her at all; 
 and as to assming him under her own hand, 
 that she was his " affectionately," or " sm- 
 cerely," or " truly," when she was in no de- 
 gree either the one or the other, she would 
 have looked upon the written falsehood 
 as no less suiful than if she were delibe-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 251 
 
 rately to have uttered it to liim in plain 
 speech. 
 
 No : she addressed him as " Mr. Quiddy," 
 because JMr. Quiddy he unquestionably was: 
 she told him that she " remained Janet 
 Gray," because she did remain Janet Gray. 
 And, poor girl ! Janet Gray was she destined 
 to remain for the rest of her brief and inno- 
 cent hfe. 
 
 Ii^on hoops ! Hail to you, ye incompar- 
 able promoters of the invaluable science of 
 surgery ! for in the ample catalogue of hu- 
 man contrivances and expedients tending to 
 that benign end, there be none others like 
 unto you. For fractured limbs and dislo- 
 cated joints, attest ye Listons and ye Brodies ! 
 — bear witness, ye venerated shades of the 
 departed Coopers, Clines, and Abernethys, 
 that to those beautiful and simple means, the 
 bounteous providers of the ])ractice which 
 has paved your path to fame, you owe al/
 
 252 PHINEAS quiddy; 
 
 debt of gratitude ineffable 1 What is there, 
 say, hke unto them ? With them compared, 
 fox-hunts and steeple-chases seem niggardly 
 to furnish forth your amputation table ; gigs, 
 tandems, patent safety-cabs, all-zealous though 
 they be, seem slow and seldom coming to 
 your aid ; nay, e'en the giant Genius of the 
 Kailroad quails, and, bashful, bowing his 
 stupendous head, acknowledges their dread 
 supremacy ! 
 
 But let us descend from the stilts upon 
 which the sublimity of the subject has for- 
 cibly mounted us, and confess that (perhaps 
 hke many of our betters when essaying a 
 march on the slippery path of magnilo- 
 quence) we find them somewhat shaky be- 
 neath us. 
 
 Accidents by all the modes we have enu- 
 merated (the first excepted) are voluntarily 
 encoimtered: you may avoid them if you 
 will, and (so fin*, at least, as their agency is 
 concerned) disappoint the sui'geon. If you
 
 OK, SHEEK INDUSTRY. 253 
 
 choose to be rattled over the stones of Lon- 
 don in a hack cab of questionable construc- 
 tion, or to ride a steeple-chase, it by no means 
 follo^vs with mathematical certainty that, in 
 either case, you will be rewarded with the 
 fracture of a few ribs, a dislocated shoulder, 
 or a broken neck: the best that can be said 
 of it is, that the chances for one or all of 
 these results are very considerably in your 
 favour. 
 
 So of railroads : Owing to the extraordi- 
 nary precautions adopted by their managers 
 for the safety of the travelhng pubhc, an 
 accident worthy of being classed in the news- 
 papers imder the head of " Dreadful," is 
 now unheard of sometimes for as long as ten 
 days together ! and when one does occur, the 
 chiriu-gical art is but little benefited by it, 
 as the subjects, being generally "past sur- 
 gery," are committed to the tender care of 
 the sexton before they have time to discover
 
 254 PniXEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 that any tiling in the least uncomfortable has 
 happened to them. Besides, as we have 
 already said, since you are not compelled to 
 travel by a railroad, or ride a steeple-chase 
 (these being acts which you may avoid), any 
 dismal accident tliat may occur to you from 
 these means is clearly of your own seek- 
 ing. 
 
 But the incomparable merit of the con- 
 trivance first mentioned, is in that it seeks 
 you; hoops start upon your path, nor are 
 they to be either foreseen or avoided. For 
 who can avoid walkini:^ or ridinn^ throus^h 
 
 O DO 
 
 the streets of London, or those of any other 
 city, town, or village where they may chance 
 to be, Avithin these realms, where the trun- 
 dling of hoops is performed with that perse- 
 vering industry which is in all things so 
 honourably characteristic of this the first 
 commercial nation in the world; and which, 
 like many of the most important operations
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 255 
 
 of our factories may be — advantage inappre- 
 ciable ! — and usually is, performed by the 
 hands of children. And then, that not a jot 
 of the meritorious activity of these juvenile 
 firiends of the professors of the healing art 
 may be concealed from admiration, or un- 
 proiitably expended, their exploits are inva- 
 riably exhibited in the most public and most 
 frequented thoroughfares. 
 
 Behold ! See yonder, that horse led Hmp- 
 ing along with both his knees broken. He 
 may he worth about ten pounds to a hackney- 
 coach proprietor: Mr. Shillibeer — we don't 
 mean him — it may be libellous to name — 
 but Mr. Paddington would not give even 
 that for hun to run in an omnibus ; yet within 
 these five minutes was that noble animal 
 worth a hundi^ed guineas !* 
 
 A crowd is assembled in Oxford-street, at 
 the north-east corner of Eegent-street. 
 
 Fact.
 
 256 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " Be so kind, my good woman, as to in- 
 form me of the occasion of this crowd ?" 
 
 " Wliy, sir, a httle boy — a nice Httle fel- 
 low lie was — was just tnmdhng his hoop 
 across the road, and, somehow or other, that 
 horse got his fore-legs 'tangled in it, and 
 down he went and broke both his knees." 
 
 " And the rider? I hope he is not 
 hurt?" 
 
 " Oh, the gentleman as was on him? 
 Why, sir, he was nat'rally pitched over the 
 horse's head ever such a way, and his head 
 went bang up against that iron lamp-post, 
 and his skull is quite fractured. Hows'ever, 
 they have took him into that 'pothecary's 
 shop there, so he'll be well took care of" 
 
 " And the rascally Httle urchin who caused 
 this frightful accident?" 
 
 " Oh, the poor little boy, sir ? Why, sir, 
 a gentleman came up and gave him a good 
 scolding, and was almost a-going to take his 
 hoop from him ] but as the little fellow pro-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 257 
 
 mised never to do so again, why the gentle- 
 man let him keep it." 
 
 " And was there no policeman here to 
 take the boy into custody, that he might be 
 punished as an example to others?" 
 
 " There* s a reg'lar Tory chap for you !" 
 cries one greasy patriot in the crowd to an- 
 other. " A pretty land o' liberty we should 
 be a-living in if a poor boy mightn't drive 
 his hoop in the streets without the * * * 
 police a-taking on him up for it !" 
 
 " But did no one give the little rascal a 
 sound thrashing on the spot? That would 
 at least have made him remember how — " 
 
 " Thrash the poor little fellow ?" exclaims 
 the woman, struck with horror at the bar- 
 barous suggestion; " why, how could he help 
 it ? It was as much the 'gentleman's fault as 
 liis'n: why didn't he keep out of the way 
 when he see'd the hoop a-coming? Thrash 
 the poor boy, indeed! One can sec you 
 haven't got no children, you haven't, or you 
 
 VOL. I. s
 
 258 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 would not be such a brute as to think of such 
 a thing." 
 
 Accidents of this kind are of daily occur- 
 rence ; but as they tend, as we have before 
 said, to the promotion of an important branch 
 of science ; and as the occasion of them 
 affords a healthfiil recreation to a consider- 
 able portion of the juvenile population of all 
 places, any interference on the part of the 
 police to prevent them, would be justly stig- 
 matized as an act of egregious tyranny.* 
 
 It was to that simple and beautiful con- 
 trivance, an iron hoop, that poor Janet was 
 indebted for the accident to which she alluded 
 in her letter. 
 
 It was about four months after her arrival 
 in Aberdeen (consequently about eight 
 
 * On the first appearance of this passage in the 
 JVeiv Moiithhj Magazine it was copied into some of the 
 leading newspapers, and the attention of the proper 
 authorities was thereby called to the subject.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 259 
 
 montlis prior to the time now treated of), 
 ttat when taking her usual afternoon's walk, 
 and just as she was turning the corner of a 
 street, one of those " surgeons' friends" was 
 driven against her, and falling, it entangled 
 her feet. In her endeavour to extricate 
 herself, she fell; whereby she suffered an in- 
 jury of the spine and a compound fracture 
 of the thigh. She was carried home and 
 committed to the care of a young surgeon, 
 who, as he was just commencing practice, 
 could not but be delighted at so favourable 
 an opportunity of putting his skill to the test. 
 As to the young gentleman to whom he was 
 indebted for it, why, sinco he declared he did 
 not "go to do it," no more could be said 
 about the matter, and complaint on the part 
 of the sufferer would have been unreason- 
 able ; and though all the passers-by who had 
 witnessed the accident denounced the cause 
 of it as a dangerous nuisance, yet there being 
 neither law nor regulation to suppress it, the 
 s2
 
 260 THINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 young gentleman was allowed to go on 
 whistling and trundling his hoop through 
 half the streets of Aberdeen. 
 
 And so, for a time, must we leave poor 
 Janet (hoping the best for her), and return 
 to Quiddy.
 
 OK, SHEER INDUSTRY. 261 
 
 CHAPTER XY. 
 
 *' Lottery : a Game of Chance" (vide Joh7ison\ there- 
 fore not a certain Road to Fortune — In liis Lodger 
 our Hero finds a useful Auxiliary in his " Sheer- 
 industry" Progress — An awful Catastrophe. 
 
 " Shall I go to that infernal doctor/^ 
 thought Quiddy, " and get the rights of it 
 or shall I not?'' 
 
 After arguing the point ^vith himself for 
 some time, he determined that, as his know- 
 ledge of the exact nature of the accident 
 could not make it either better or worse : that, 
 as he might be rebuked for his indifference in
 
 262 PEINE AS QUIDDY; 
 
 never having till now made any inquiry con- 
 cerning his former companion, or be ques- 
 tioned as to whether or not he had ever 
 received any direct commimication from her, 
 by which questioning he might be betrayed 
 to divulge the secret of the remittances she 
 had made him — which for the world he 
 would not disobey her by doing: that, as the 
 doctor was not sufficiently his friend to give 
 him the information he desired touchins; the 
 material point, namely, how Janet was likely 
 to dispose of her property, in case — ; and 
 that, in short, as he was not likely to get 
 any thing by the visit but a disagreeable re- 
 ception, it w^ould be safer not to venture it. 
 So he was content for the present to remain 
 in his ignorance, trusting to chance for liis 
 enlightenment. Had he made an , inquiry 
 concerning the first point, he would have 
 been informed that the limb so dreadfrdly 
 fractured had, in the first instance, been 
 badly set, and subsequently so injudiciously
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 263 
 
 treated, that, except by the loss of it (to 
 which Janet would by no means consent) it 
 would, most probably, be her fate to Hnger 
 through a Hfe of inactivity and pain. 
 
 Avarice, or the love of accumulating, is 
 not common to youth : if they love money, it 
 is for the pleasure, not of hoarding, but of 
 spending it. There certainly is more than 
 one Phineas Quiddy in the world, but, thank 
 Heaven ! the world is not made up of 
 Quiddys. No : Avarice is essentially the 
 passion of old age, and develops itself in 
 proportion as the other passions subside ; 
 nor scarcely ever does it attain to its ma- 
 turity till the power of enjoying those is ex- 
 tinct. Byron's 
 
 "So, for a good old -gentlemanly vice, 
 I tliink I Avill take up with avarice," 
 
 might have served as a motto to this chapter. 
 Lickpenny perceiving that his infirmities
 
 264 PHINEAS QUroDY; 
 
 increased, and that his capacity for enjoy- 
 ment diminished in about an equal propor- 
 tion; and reflecting that his income being 
 already more than sufficient for his wants, he 
 naturally thought that, under all these cir- 
 cumstances, the wisest thing he could do 
 would be to worry his heart out by endea- 
 vours to aucrment it. But how ? He had 
 been a very expert shoemaker, but unluckily 
 nature had not endowed him, like Quiddy, 
 with a genius for finance. Having quitted 
 business he would not resume it : besides, 
 the snail's profit of fair trade was too slow 
 to keep up with the march of his new-born 
 desire, or he might have proposed to embark 
 a portion of his property in his landlord's bu- 
 siness, which he could not but perceive to 
 be, some] tow or other ^ an unusually thriving 
 one. Dashing speculation he was afraid of, 
 as by that he would risk the loss of — we in- 
 tend no unworthy pun upon his late useful 
 craft — the loss of his all. Lotteries, those
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 265 
 
 grand schemes for making a fortune in a 
 hurry, he had tried. In every lottery that 
 was drawn he had purchased a share of a 
 ticket, because (as he was wont to observe) 
 there was no other means which afforded 
 you a reasonable hope of obtaining so large 
 a return for your money : moreover, he 
 wisely argued that as somehody must get the 
 great prize, why, lie had as good a chance for 
 it as another. But, by singular ill-fortune, it 
 always happened that Lickpenny's ticket 
 either was drawn a blank, or, more pro- 
 voking still, it came up a poor stunted thing, 
 which had the impertinence to assume the 
 airs of a prize, because, forsooth, it entitled 
 the lucky holder to receive back somewhat 
 less than the amount of his original adven- 
 ture. Once, indeed, he did gain the six- 
 teenth of a thousand pound prize ! But 
 what of that ? That was not the one for 
 which he had bargained with Lady Fortune,
 
 266 PIIINEAS quiddy; 
 
 as she must have been perfectly aware : he 
 therefore looked upon this trifling catch as a 
 direct command from the lady — 
 
 " To make assurance double sure, 
 And take a bond of" Bish. 
 
 The drawing of the lottery had only just 
 commenced; all the large prizes, including 
 three twenty-thousands still remained in the 
 wheel ; and he should think himself an 
 amazingly awkward fellow if he could not 
 contrive to waylay one at least of these on 
 its passage out. So with his sixty-odd 
 pounds he purchased two whole tickets, and 
 nine sixteenths of different numbers — pock- 
 eting, besides, eighteenpence, the sm'plus of 
 his prize-money ! Human ingenuity had 
 herein done its utmost: the rest remained 
 with a higher power. But, with all our 
 respect for the petticoat, the truth must be 
 told — Fortune behaved to liim exceedingly
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 267 
 
 unlike a lady, for she allowed all liis eleven 
 chances to turn up blanks ! * Upon the 
 whole, then, he considered the lottery to be 
 uncertain, to say the best of it. 
 
 What then should he do ? His landlord 
 was a 'cute, clever fellow, who had often 
 ventured hints and insinuations to him of 
 the great interest he could afford to give for 
 the money, if he knew where to raise about 
 eighteen hundred pounds (which, by a 
 strange coincidence happened to be the very 
 amount of Lickpenny's money in the Bank) 
 to play with in a certain way : so he re- 
 solved to sound his landlord upon the sub- 
 ject. 
 
 This resolution was taken a few months 
 subsequent to our last notice of the old gentle- 
 man, during the latter part of which period he 
 had been altogether unable to quit the house, 
 
 * An accident, in all respects similar to this, befel a 
 friend of ours Avhom we arc not at liberty to name.
 
 268 pnrNT:AS quiddy; 
 
 and seldom, indeed, could he leave his room. 
 He had abundant opportunities for carrying 
 his resolution into effect, for receiving no 
 visiters, he made it a point that Quiddy 
 should remain at home to keep him com- 
 pany every evening, and devote to him, be- 
 sides, the greater part of the Sunday — 
 allowing him merely an hour or two to get 
 his " mouthful of fresh air." Few could 
 have submitted to his domination, unless in- 
 deed the hint about " neither chick nor 
 child" (repeated as often as occasion might 
 require) contained a charm to compel obe- 
 dience ; but Quiddy, to his credit be it 
 said, seldom remonstrated against it, kindly 
 yielding to this and to all the tormenting 
 whims and caprices of his poor invalid 
 lodger, with all the assiduity of — an ex- 
 pectant. If, now and then, he wished him 
 in a " better place," surely there is no harm 
 in desiring the improvement of any one's si- 
 tuation.
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 269 
 
 In reply to the old man's inquiries touch- 
 ing the means whereby Quiddy would be 
 enabled to allow a capitaHst more than the 
 legal rate of interest for the use of his 
 money, the latter imparted to him just so 
 much of his proceedings as suited his own 
 purpose, yet sufficient at the same time to 
 inflame the old man's cupidity. 
 
 " And do you really make as much as 
 seven per cent by — by usury 1" exclaimed 
 Lickpenny, uttering the last word with deli- 
 cate hesitation." 
 
 " I do, upon my honour, Daddy," replied 
 Quiddy, seemingly displeased at the implied 
 doubt — for he might safely have pledged his 
 honour, and his conscience too, to double 
 and treble that amount of gain by such 
 practice. " No, no," continued he ; " trade 
 is all very well in its way ; but it isn't by 
 selhng modicums of snuff and tobacco that 
 'i' money is to be made in a hurry, that I can 
 tell you."
 
 270 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " But, my boy — but — but — do — do 
 you—?'' 
 
 " Speak out, Daddy," said Quiddy, per- 
 ceiving the othef s hesitation, " speak out. 
 You know I somehow look upon you as a 
 father, as I've often told you, so you have 
 a right, hke, to say what you please to 
 me." 
 
 " Well, then ; do you think that kind of 
 traffic — ^lending money, in short, at usury — 
 quite — quite honest?" 
 
 "Honest !" exclaimed Quiddy. — And 
 then, with a pretended look of profound 
 meditation, he continued : — " Let me see : 
 take five from seven and there remains two. 
 Now, the honesty of it is in that 'ere addi- 
 tional two per cent , Daddy ; and if a certain 
 person not far from Threadneedle-street, 
 hadn't been in the habit of calculatin<T in 
 the same way, he wouldn't have been where 
 he was the year before last. No, no ; Lord 
 Mayor's an't to be made out of petty cheese-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 271 
 
 mongers in a straightforward regular way, as 
 easily as you'd make — ^make — " 
 
 Not being of a figurative turn of mind, 
 he could not readily hit upon a simile ; and 
 the one which did at last occur to him — 
 " as easily as you'd make real Havannah 
 cigars out of dock-leaf" — it did not suit his 
 purpose to utter. So, finding himself obhged 
 to do like his betters when they find they 
 cannot get what they want, even though it 
 be something of greater import than a simile 
 — that is to say, obliged to do without it — 
 he continued: 
 
 " Honest ! why, Lor ! I'm not the only 
 one in this great town, by many a score, that 
 does it. There's Tapeton and Co., the ha- 
 berdashers ; and Veneer and Sons, the up- 
 holsterers ; and Glitters and Co., the silver- 
 smiths and jewellers. But they do things on 
 a giflntic scale! Yet you remember theiT 
 beginnings. Daddy : one, standing with a 
 tray of gilt-copper rings and brooches at the
 
 272 PHINEAS QUIDDY ; 
 
 corner of one street, and the other with a 
 dozen plated spoons at the corner of another 
 street. Now^ Tapeton is a Director of the 
 Extinguisher Fire-office — and what's more, 
 Churchwarden ; Veneer, a Common-council- 
 man ; while Glitters is an Alderman, and his 
 partner a M.P. ; so in course, its honest." 
 
 And all this, he might have added (as it 
 was his wont .to boast in his own case), is 
 the result of " sheer industry." 
 
 " But suppose it should be discovered that 
 you lend money at usury?" said Lick- 
 pennny. 
 
 " I never do," replied the other. 
 
 And here he explained to Lickpenny the 
 ingenious canister-system. 
 
 " Seven per cent.,'' said the old man, mu- 
 singly ; '• and, you said, sometimes you could 
 afford to give a bonus — but what that means 
 I don't rightly understand." 
 
 " It means that, if I happen to turn the 
 money to uncommon good account, I can
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 273 
 
 afford a little share out of the profits besides 
 the interest. Ah ! I missed a beautiful 
 thing the other day, owing to my own little 
 bit of money being all locked up in one way 
 or another. If I had but known where to 
 get six hundred pounds last Wednesday, for 
 only three months, I could have given 
 fifteen, ay, twenty pounds for it, besides 
 interest, and done no harm to myself 
 either." 
 
 . " How — how — tell me how ?" said the old 
 man, eagerly. 
 
 " Heark'ee, Daddy : Groutsley, the wine- 
 merchant, was so hard pressed the other day 
 for money to keep up his credit, that if I 
 could have lent him nine hundred pounds 
 for three months — " 
 
 " Stop, Mr. Q.," said Lickpenny, who had 
 been listening to Quiddy with the deepest 
 attention ; " Stop — just now you said six." 
 
 Quiddy was a little confused by this inter- 
 ruption ; and the cause of his confusion 
 
 VOL. I. T
 
 274 PHDfEAS qltddy; 
 
 requires explanation. He was inadvertently 
 at the point of divulging tlie secret of the 
 enormous profit which he should have de- 
 rived from this transaction, had it been carried 
 through ; and this it was not to his interest 
 to do. The truth is, the distressed party 
 wanted six hundred pounds ; as security for 
 which he would have assigned to the lender 
 wines and spirits warehoused in the docks 
 (and really worth double that sum), and 
 have rendered himself hable as for a loan of 
 nine hundred pounds — the visionary three 
 hundred passing in the form of the packet 
 of canisters. This transaction, monstrous as 
 it may seem, might be paralleled by hun- 
 dreds of instances in the history of usu — we 
 mean, of assisting the distressed. 
 
 Now, in the event of Quiddy's obtaining 
 possession of his lodger's money "to play 
 with," (and which he very well knew him 
 to have at his disposal,) it was by no means 
 his intention to allow him an equal partici-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 275 
 
 pation in the profits arising from it, but 
 merely just so much more than the income 
 he actually derived from it as should satisfy 
 him that it was well and advantageously 
 placed in Quiddy's keeping. Hence the 
 confusion of the latter when he perceived 
 that he was saying too much. Quickly re- 
 covering himself, however, he said — 
 
 "You don't understand me, my dear 
 old Daddy ; it's this, don't you see : I 
 give him six in cash, one in canisters, 
 and he makes himself liable for seven. 
 There's one hundred clear profit, and good 
 security besides. Well, it's no use lament 
 ing ; but as I couldn't help him, he went to 
 Glitters's, the silversmiths, and there he got 
 the stuff in a twinkling. Wine or wash- 
 balls, pearls or pantiles, it's all fish that comes 
 to their net, so long as they can get enough 
 of the article for their security." 
 
 "Pity you lost it," saidLickpenny, thought- 
 fully. 
 
 T 2
 
 276 piiiNEAS quiddy; 
 
 " Well," said Quiddy, '' there's no use in 
 tantalizing you by telling you of these good 
 chances, seeing as how you have sunk. all 
 your money in an annuity." 
 
 " Now suppose," said the other, cautiously, 
 " I only say suppose I could muster up a 
 liundred pounds or so, or even two hundred, 
 could you make a good thing of it for me ?" 
 
 " Twice as much as you make of it now," re- 
 plied Quiddy ; " but what matters supposing ? 
 it's only making your mouth water to no 
 purpose. Daddy, so don't let us talk any more 
 about it." 
 
 " But, on the other hand, the risk," said 
 Lickpenny ; " the risk in this sort of traffic !" 
 
 *' I have never lost one single farthing by 
 it yet," replied Quiddy, exultingly ; " and as 
 I manage matters, there's no chance that I 
 ever shall. Haven't I always security in 
 hand — in hand, eh? No, no, Daddy; let 
 me alone for that : I'm a 'cute un, that I can 
 tell you."
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 277 
 
 Lickpenny considered a wliile, and then 
 said, — 
 
 " Mr. Q., I'll be candid witli you. The httle 
 property I have is all at my own disposal: 
 who told you the contrary, or for what pur- 
 pose, I can't guess ; nor, indeed, does it 
 much matter. No, — I can command every 
 penny of it at an hour's notice. Now, the 
 next time a snug thing offers, I should like a 
 share of it ; but mind this — I'll not run the 
 least risk. If I advance my money, you must 
 bear me harmless." 
 
 This, ]Mr. Q., well knowing that he might 
 with safety, undertook to do; and an oppor- 
 tunity of gratifying the old man's singular 
 desire to share in a snug thing, or, in other 
 words, to make a L^rge profit without risk, 
 was not long in presenting itself It is need- 
 less to state the particulars of the transaction : 
 suffice it to say, that a distressed tradesman 
 had instant occasion for a hundred and fifty 
 pounds, for only ten days, for tlie use of
 
 278 PHINEAS QuroDY; 
 
 which he proposed to Mr. Quiddy to pay him 
 legal interest, and also to purchase of him 
 his packet of tin-canisters for twenty pounds. 
 It happened that the benevolent lender had 
 already placed out, to similar charitable put- 
 poses, all his own funds, so he was con- 
 strained to apply to his tenant. An offer of 
 seven per cent.y and a bonus of tlwee pounds 
 for the use of that sum, with Quiddy's own 
 security for the repayment of it at the end 
 of the stipulated ten days, was sufficient 
 temptation to Lickpenny, who, ill as he was, 
 hurried off to the bank to procure the money. 
 Upon his return the transaction was, through 
 the medium of Quiddy, completed; and, if 
 the latter took the lion's share of the profits 
 of it, it surely was no more than he was, or, 
 at least, thought he was, entitled to — a way 
 of thinldng which is not unfrequently made 
 to serve as a substitute both for right and 
 reason. 
 
 At the expiration of the ten days. Lick-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 279 
 
 penny found himself repossessed of his money ; 
 and, so dehghted was he with the success of 
 tliis his first adventure, that he expressed 
 himself eager to repeat it. Again, and fre- 
 quently, was this wish gratified; but still, hke 
 the ogre in the fairy tale, his cry was " more, 
 more, more !" 
 
 Having, however, what he had a notion 
 was a conscience, he never would inquir 
 into the nature of each particular trans- 
 action, by which he was so great a gainer, 
 nor would he ever see the party interested in 
 it: his dealings were with Quiddy himself 
 
 " Mr. Q.," would he say, " you want so 
 much money; I don't inquire for what pm^- 
 pose; I lend it to you; give me your ac- 
 knowledgment for the exact sum ; if, pre- 
 sently, I find any thing over and above it in 
 my table-drawer, I shall take it, no matter 
 how it may come there — you understand;" 
 
 Satisfied that Quiddy was botli a clever 
 fellow, and (in the city sense of the term) a
 
 2 so PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 " good man," and his eagerness for gain in- 
 creasing in proportion to the faciUty with 
 which it was acquired, Lickpenny had, by 
 degrees, embarked nearly the whole of his 
 property in this profitable trade ; till, one 
 day, tempted by an opportmiity of receiving 
 an extraordinary large return for liis capital, 
 he was induced to advance, in a sinde ad- 
 venture, fourteen hundi^ed pounds. This 
 was for the use of a tradesman who, having 
 just received upon credit from various manu- 
 facturers, silks, velvets, lace, and other 
 similar commodities, to the full value of 
 three thousand pounds, was suddenly seized 
 with so ardent a desire to visit America — 
 (for the purpose, probably, of judging for 
 himself of that unparalleled country, and 
 its incomparable people, concerning whom 
 some European visiter may, once in a way, 
 have spoken somewhat irreverently) — that, 
 with noble indifference to pecuniary advan- 
 tage, he resolved to gratify his laudable in-
 
 OR, SHEER INDUSTRY. 281 
 
 tention, even at the sacrifice of more than 
 one-half of the vakie of the property in 
 question. But as this was not the only dis- 
 interested act of the kind which he had 
 lately performed, and delay being incon- 
 venient to him, he made it an imperative 
 condition of the bar^^ain that it should be 
 concluded, and the money paid to him, early 
 on the following day. 
 
 Lickpenny having consented to advance 
 to Quiddy the requisite fimds, to that con- 
 dition the latter agreed. 
 
 The next morning, as these two friends to 
 the distressed were seated at opposite sides of 
 a small table, the elder employed in count- 
 ing out bank-notes, and the other in writing 
 his note-of-hand as security to him for the 
 amount, Quiddy was suddenly startled b}' a 
 long and deep groan. He looked u]), and, to 
 his amazement and horror, perceived that 
 the old man had fallen back in his chair, 
 pale and speechless, with his eyes o})en but
 
 282 PHINEAS QUIDDY; 
 
 rigidly fixed. He ran to liis assistance, and 
 spoke to him, but in vain: lie was insensible, 
 and, to all appearance, dead. 
 
 Quiddy, greatly alarmed, desired his assist- 
 ant in the shop to go with all speed for the 
 doctor nearest in the neighbourhood. He 
 next hastily collected together the notes 
 which were lying on the table (not deeming 
 it prudent that they should be there dis- 
 played), and thrust them into Lickpenny's 
 old leathern pocket-book which was lying 
 open before him. In his left-hand the old 
 man held a small packet of notes, but so 
 firmly were the fingers clenched, that Quiddy 
 had some difficulty in extricating them firom 
 his grasp. He succeeded, however; but not 
 without an involuntary shudder as he was 
 engaged in the unpleasant, but (as he consi- 
 dered it) necessary task — " For, what would 
 the doctor think," thought he, " if he should 
 see all this money lying about?" These 
 notes he placed along with the others; and
 
 OK, SHEER INDUSTRY. 283 
 
 (for security's sake) deposited the wliole in 
 his own coat-pocket. The unfinished docu- 
 ment, upon which he himself had been em- 
 ployed, he threw into his writing-desk; and, 
 at the same moment, the doctor, Mr. Mor- 
 tars, made his appearance. 
 
 The tale is soon told. Lickpenny having 
 been placed upon his bed (for it was in liis bed- 
 room that this scene occurred), the doctor 
 looked at him, and gloomily shook his head ; 
 the doctor then felt his pulse, and shook his 
 head more gloomily still ; the doctor then 
 ineffectually opened a vein, and shook his 
 head so very gloomily, that it needed not his 
 saying the old man was dead; or, to repeat 
 the phrase he used (which how much soever 
 more pretty and genteel it may be considered, 
 is certainly not more expressive) — the vital 
 spark was extinct. 
 
 Now, when a doctor declares a patient to 
 be dead, the declaration may be taken as in- 
 controvertible ; for, since it pronounces the
 
 284 PHINEAS QUIDDY. 
 
 cessation of fees, it is never delivered but 
 upon sure ground. In the present abrupt 
 case, the one single attendance-fee which the 
 doctor (as the apothecary styled himself) 
 would have to receive would be the " end 
 all and the be all:" he could get nothing 
 more by the deceased: so, again gloomily 
 shaking his head, with a deep-drawn sigh he 
 said, " It was a very sad affair" — meaning, 
 most likely, the sudden death of Lickpenny. 
 
 EXD or VOL. I. 
 
 C. WHITING, BEAl lOUT HOUSE, STRAND.
 
 }fi f'^C
 
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