V 
 
 L I E> RARY 
 
 OF THE 
 
 UN IVLRSITY 
 
 or ILLINOIS 
 
 6^^ 
 

 Px^' 
 
ANTIPATHY. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
LONDON: 
 SCHULZE AND CO 13, POLAND STREET. 
 
^ <^-^. 
 
 ANTI PATHY, 
 
 THE CONFESSIONS OF A CAT-HATER. 
 
 EDITED BY 
 
 JOHN AINSLIE, Esq. 
 
 AUTHOR OF "AURUNGZEBE," "ERNEST CAMPBELL," &c. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 VOL. I. 
 
 " Pray Sir do you know what are some men's antipathies?'* 
 
 •' Yes, cats, rats, old maids, double tripe, spiders, 
 
 Cheshire cheese, and cork- cutters." 
 
 The Poor Gentleman. 
 
 LO NDON : 
 JOHN MACRONE, SAINT JAMES'S SQUARE. 
 
 MDCCCXXXVI. 
 

 EDITOR'S INTRODUCTION. 
 
 To every enlightened person, the interesting 
 
 village of Melrose is nearly as well known as 
 
 the one he may happen to reside in ; for such is 
 
 _ the power of sterling genius, that it perhaps 
 
 stamps a deeper and more enduring interest on 
 
 'z:^ remote localities than anything else, unless it 
 
 be the eternal associations of boyhood. I need 
 
 , therefore, attempt no description of a place 
 
 ^ '; with which I may, without much arrogance, 
 
 ;-^ profess to be almost as well acquainted as was 
 
 h that immortal individual who was so materially 
 
 ? the means of bringing it into imperishable 
 
 - celebrity, from the fact of my being one of those 
 
 cock lairdies who abound in such classical 
 
 scenes — a race of rustics to which I feel quite 
 
VI INTRODUCTION. 
 
 as proud of belonging as does my worthy and 
 esteemed acquaintance^ Captain Ormiston.* 
 
 Those who know aught of Melrose, are aware 
 from the summer and autumnal throng of pil- 
 grims passing through it in quest of the strange 
 and picturesque, that the douce inhabitants of 
 the place bestow but little attention, and no 
 curiosity, on so common an object as a gentle- 
 man's carriage ; although they unquestionably 
 would be all agape and agog at what never yet 
 passed by its ancient cross — a red and rattling 
 mail. 
 
 On one occasion, however, when 1 chanced 
 to enter the village, I was surprised to see a 
 small crowd collected around a handsome yellow 
 vehicle, from which the post horses had just 
 been unharnessed. " Some very distinguished 
 individual,'^ thought I ; till remembering it was 
 but lately that I had seen a venerable minister 
 of state pass through without attracting a much 
 greater number of persons, I soon discarded 
 that idea. A little nearer approach explained 
 the cause of this unusual sensation ; for I dis- 
 covered that the elegant equipage in question, 
 
 * This well known and original character is now dead. 
 
INTRODUCTION. Vll 
 
 instead of proceeding a few yards further to the 
 Hotel of the place, had actually stopped at my 
 peculiar quarters, the secondary hostelrie — one 
 which I had long patronised, not from pride, 
 penury, or ill will towards the other more 
 wealthy Boniface, but simply from having 
 known his antagonist in very early years, and 
 received kindness at his hands. 
 
 This anomaly in travelling, I must say ex- 
 plained satisfactorily to me the reason of this 
 little knot of gapers being there assembled; as 
 also the bustle and importance of my bluff host, 
 Thomson, who instead of noticing me or any 
 other familiar face, was in the perfect fever of 
 fuss and consequence. 
 
 " Mind the blinds ! ye stupid deeviy cried 
 he to his ostler, who was officiously and clum- 
 sily attempting to draw up those of the carriage; 
 and then turning to his rib or ribs, for she was 
 no skin and bone mate, he delivered himself of 
 an incoherent string of directions, to which 
 " yes, yes," and " aye, aye," were constantly 
 responded without one single step, however, 
 being taken for their accomplishment. " Nae 
 doubt they'll hae denner or lunch; so send ower 
 
VIU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 to Lucky Mackintosh for some pastry and jam, 
 and be sure," continued he, sottovoce, — "be sure 
 you dinna begin blethering o' there being com- 
 pany, or, my faith, she'll just charge double for 
 her trashtrie. — And, Tarn, get the back parlour 
 put something decent; for the gentleman's wally 
 must be looked to, ye ken. — Coming, Sir ! — 
 that's for the wine — deevil tak ye woman ! (to 
 his spouse), will ye stand there a' day like Lot's 
 saut hmmer of a wife, and the sherry's been 
 ordered this half hour ; there, tak the cellar 
 key, whilst I get the best decanter, — and 
 Nelly," addressing a young but hideous hand 
 maid, " gang and grip our auld cat ; and be sure 
 ye steek her up in the garret, or number ten, 
 for the gentleman canna abide the look of a cat 
 ava." 
 
 All this, and a great deal more assailed my 
 ears, as, utterly disregarded, I pushed into the 
 little lobby of the inn, and opened the door of 
 one of the two parlours on the ground floor. 
 This was occupied by some persons transacting 
 business/ as was the other by at least half-a- 
 dozen individuals who were noisily discussing 
 the bead and flavour of Thomson's Campbelton. 
 
INTRODUCTION* IX 
 
 Knowing perfectly the capabilities of the es- 
 tablishment, and that there were two spacious 
 apartments up stairs (a bisected ball-room) one 
 of which was a best bed-chamber, or room of 
 state, and the other a parlour appropriated to 
 large parties ; I concluded that the gentleman 
 on whose account all this tumult was occasioned 
 might have taken possession of the bed-room, 
 and that the other would be unoccupied. I 
 accordingly opened the door, and was not alto- 
 gether mistaken ; for there v/as no one in the 
 forementioned parlour save a man much depress- 
 ed by years, dressed in shabby brown clothes, 
 and having no exterior claim whatever to the 
 marked attention shewn him. He was sitting 
 close to the mndow reading a book, and as I 
 entered, his grey spectacled eye was raised from 
 its page and fell enquiringly upon me. 
 
 Although appearances were so much against 
 him, it struck me that this possibly might be 
 the consequential owner of the travelling car- 
 riage ; and making a bow and an excuse for my 
 intrusion, I was on tlie point of leaving the 
 room, when in a very kind and polite manner 
 he begged I would put myself to no inconveni- 
 
 a 5 
 
X INTRODUCTlOXt 
 
 ence on his account, since he only intended 
 resting himself for an hour, and then after 
 visiting the abbey would proceed on his jour- 
 ney. I made a suitable reply, stating at the 
 same time, that the house happened to be so 
 full that there was no accommodation to be ob- 
 tained, and that I always patronized the 
 house. 
 
 " Then I suppose, Sir,^' said the old gentle- 
 man, for the moment he spoke I had discovered 
 that he was a gentleman, " you reside in this 
 charming neighbourhood ?" 
 
 " I do,'' replied I, " a few miles off, and if 
 you are altogether a stranger here (as 1 hope 
 without offence) I may guess you to be, from 
 your intention of visiting the abbey ; I think 
 you might spend a few days very pleasantly in 
 making excursions to the surrounding scenery." 
 
 '^ It is the first time Sir, I ever was in Scot- 
 land ; and I had contemplated what you ad- 
 vise : but indifferent health and other reasons 
 prevent me remaining longer from home. I 
 however, would sooner have seen Sir Walter 
 Scott, who I regret to hear is abroad and ill, 
 than any of the fairest scenes over which he 
 
INTRODUCTION. XI 
 
 has cast his magic spell. Without poetic or 
 chivalrous associations, scenery has for me few- 
 charms ; it is like a well executed picture, the 
 story of which we do not understand." 
 
 After I had re-echoed that sincere sympathy 
 which the traveller evidently felt in the illness 
 of Roxburghshire and Scotland's pride, he again 
 betook himself to his book ; and I forebore in- 
 terrupting him, more especially as he appeared 
 drowsy, and the volume sunk gradually upon 
 his knee. 
 
 On the table beside him lay another volume, 
 which he had finished ; and taking it up, my 
 heart beat with a less lively pulse, and I be- 
 came somewhat pursy in the breath on per- 
 ceivinof it to be an Eastern romance in which 
 
 o 
 
 I had a most decided right to feel an interest. 
 Scarcely had I made this discovery ^vhen the 
 old gentleman w^as awakened by the entrance 
 of Thomson wdth the long expected sherry, 
 and prompted by vanity or excusable curi- 
 osity, I ventured to enquire how he liked the 
 work. 
 
 " Middling;" — w^as the dull reply wdiich, 
 growled forth rather gruffly, tingled in my ears 
 
XU INTRODUCTION* 
 
 and froze all expectations of successful author-* 
 ship. " The author Sir, might I think, have 
 made more of his subject. But I, to my cost 
 have been in the East, and am prejudiced against 
 it, although I have visited every scene which 
 he describes." 
 
 And here his head again inclined towards 
 his breast, as much however, from meditation 
 as slumber; and anon I had the satisfaction of 
 hearing his measured snore, and seeing him 
 fall fast asleep somewhere about the middle of 
 my third volume-^a part which in the sim- 
 plicity of my poor silly soul I had believed to 
 be rivetting and overpowering. " He is a cross 
 old crore-possessing Nabob," thought I, in no 
 balmy mood ; determining at the same time to 
 interrogate so competent a judge respecting the 
 rickety portions of my bantling, whenever it 
 should please him to lift the curtains of his eyes. 
 This was almost immediately occasioned by 
 my unfortunate production falling oif his knee ; 
 when starting in his chair, he shook off sleep — 
 advanced to the table, and after politely offering 
 me a glass of wine, which I refused, he helped 
 himself to some and a piece of biscuit. 
 
INTRODUCTION. Xlll 
 
 " I too, Sir, have been in India," observed 
 I, " and beheld many of the scenes mentioned 
 in that work, and think them at least faithfully 
 represented." 
 
 " You in India," replied he, " and seen so 
 much ! Indeed you surprise me, for I had 
 already set you down in my mind as a young 
 country squire. Were you there any time ?" 
 " About three years. '^ 
 
 " Ah 1 about the same time as myself. And 
 in the army I presume r" 
 " Yes ; in Bengal." 
 
 " Indeed, and so was I : but what important 
 changes, glorious achievements, and magnificent 
 militar}^ establishments have taken place since 
 I w^as there ! I suppose then, that like many 
 others, you lost your health, and have come 
 home to recruit it amongst your native woods 
 and hills?'' 
 
 " I certainly Sir, did lose my health abroad ;" 
 replied I, " but returned home wdth no in- 
 tention of revisiting a country which I believe 
 to be inimical to the mental and corporeal 
 health of our countrymen." 
 
 " You are right, young man," cried the tra- 
 veller, his eyes kindling ; it is a general 
 
XIV INTRODUCTION. 
 
 swamp and grave to every thing great and good; 
 and I am glad, that God has given you the 
 means of returning to the bosom of your 
 friends. Never leave them or your interesting 
 country, till you are absolutely compelled to 
 do so.'^ 
 
 Having uttered this in a manner much more 
 impassioned than I had suspected him sus- 
 ceptible of, he appeared lost in some disa- 
 agreeable reflections which I felt a delicacy of 
 disturbing. 
 
 '^ Ah well ?' resumed he, " time is slipping 
 away ; since you refuse to grant ine the favour 
 of taking a glass of wine, you will perhaps be- 
 stow a greater one upon me by accompanying 
 me to the far-famed St. Mary's aisle. I shall 
 hold it a particular advantage and compli- 
 ment, being under the guidance of one who 
 I doubt not is intimately acquainted with these 
 interesting ruins." 
 
 I expressed what I really felt, extreme satis- 
 faction in having it in my power to show him 
 such civility ; when, buttoning his great coat, 
 (though it was warm) for the tourist was 
 already an invalid, he took my arm, and to the 
 astonishment of Thomson and all his satellites ; 
 
INTRODUCTIOX. XV 
 
 off we trudged for the domicile of that most inde- 
 fatigable artist and antiquarian, Johnnie Bower. 
 I had at first imbibed considerable pre- 
 judice against my companion, supposing him 
 to be a rich, grumbling, and consequential Qui 
 Hi, but although this was completely dispelled 
 by his telling me that his stay in India had 
 scarcely exceeded my own, I little expected to 
 find him a genuine and judicious admirer of 
 antiquity, and the effusions of that high bard 
 who has woven his poetry around those 
 
 " Slender shafts of shapely'- stone 
 By foliaged tracery combined," 
 
 and erected for his fame, a temple in the most 
 beautiful remnant of Scottish ruin and decay. 
 The old gentleman, however, was such an enthu- 
 siast as I delight in, and he enjoyed the scene 
 with a zest which seemed to render him twenty 
 years younger. 
 
 We were fortunate in finding Johnnie Bower 
 disengaged, and still more so in meeting a 
 celebrated wooden-legged divine, whose learning 
 and eccentricity are alike remarkable. 
 
 Although Johnnie has composed a book by 
 
XVI INTRODUCTION* 
 
 which he lives ; and concerning which alone he 
 thinks^ acts, or dreams, I nevertheless question 
 if the Minister be not more profoundly erudite 
 in the antiquities of the place : and if I have 
 seen Bower, at the risk of his neck, taking 
 plaster of Paris casts from the few saints who 
 remain perched in perilous places, I have also 
 sat with the divine upon some damp tomb-stone 
 in the aisles, his leg stuck out as if taking its 
 measure, whilst with a knife we have vainly 
 endeavoured to decypher some mouldering 
 inscription. Such attendance therefore was 
 invaluable, and with his usual good nature 
 Mr. accompanied us through the ve- 
 nerable ruins, explaining whatever Bower 
 omitted, and to his annoyance, frequently inter- 
 rupting or impeaching his often told tale. 
 
 But to cut short a short story ; we saw all, 
 and perhaps more than others usually see. 
 First, we admired the ruins from advantageous 
 positions, all of which were so excellent as to 
 render it impossible to give any particular one 
 a preference, and then we particularized. The 
 oriel, the sharply sculptured capitals and orna- 
 ments, amongst which is that hand which will 
 
INTRODUCTION. XVll 
 
 prove a more lasting head-stone to the author 
 of Peter's letters, than the one which sooner or 
 later must mark the deposit of his poetical and 
 political noddle — each demanded distinct at- 
 tention. Then were the dead discoursed of — 
 VValdevus, Michael Scott, Ivers, Douglas, and a 
 profusion of legendary lore poured copiously 
 from the enraptured divine, so as to dehght the 
 tourist — amuse me, and render jealous, and 
 almost sulky, the comparatively eclipsed ci- 
 cerone. Lastly, we ascended to the grassy roof 
 of the building, and enjoyed the circumscribed, 
 but lovely prospect. " It is like looking into a 
 pie-dish,'^ said the Minister; but oh, what a 
 pattern ! 
 
 Our pleasing scrutiny being ended, and John 
 Bower, as I conceive, munificently rewarded, 
 from the uncommon civility with which he lifted 
 the lid of his shaggy cranium ; we returned to 
 the inn, where I was somewhat sorry to see the 
 old gentleman's equipage all ready for his de- 
 parture ; for in truth, I know not why it was 
 that 1 began to feel an interest in one who was 
 evidently no ordinary mortal. 
 
 Much as I coveted an opportunity of having 
 
XVUl INTRODUCTION. 
 
 some conversation with the traveller, none pre- 
 sented itself: for his servant had settled the 
 bill, and as there was no occasion for his again 
 entering the inn, he forthwith stepped into his 
 carriage. But before doing this, he turned 
 suddenly round, and gave me his card, saying 
 in his dry manner, 
 
 " If ever you cross the borders. Sir, so far, I 
 shall be happy to see you ; and though I have 
 no ruined abbeys to show you, I can ensure 
 you some tolerable shooting and fishing, which 
 I should think more congenial to your years. 
 I do not ask you,'^ continued he, " to visit 
 me from mere form, for I detest false civility, 
 and if I seldom see visiters, I never ask one to 
 my house without really wishing his company. 
 Farewell, young man ; and again let me thank 
 you for your attention." 
 
 As he said this, to which I had scarcely time 
 to make a bow, from Thomson and his spouse 
 elbowing me away in order to offer their parting 
 congees, the carriage door was closed — the 
 horses started for Jedburgh, and the whole was 
 soon out of sight. 
 
 No sooner was he gone, than I became a 
 
INTRODUCTION. XIX 
 
 person of considerable importance in Thom- 
 son's eyes, and many were his and his wife's 
 questions respecting the gentleman who had 
 honoured their establishment, and walked with 
 me to the Abbey; all however I could tell 
 them was contained in his card — Mr. Butler, of 
 
 near and whilst I enlightened them, 
 
 I in my own mind, fully determined to take the 
 hospitable traveller at his word, and pay him 
 a short visit during the shooting season. 
 
 At length the important season arrived, and 
 about the middle of September I repaired to 
 
 Newcastle, and from thence per chaise to , 
 
 near which was the house of my new acquaint- 
 ance. It was a large ancient mansion with a 
 splendid domain, and had every appearance not 
 of neglect but extreme solitude. There were 
 no servants stirring about the place; and the 
 woman who opened the lodge gate in a very 
 hesitating manner stared at us in a way which 
 indicated that visiters were seldom seen there. 
 I had previously asked the post-boy if he knew 
 anything of Mr. Butler, but all he had heard of 
 him was, that he was very wealthy and eccen- 
 tric, and had long lived secluded from the 
 world. 
 
XX INTRODUCTION. 
 
 We now reached the door, which was opened 
 by a fat ruddy-faced footman, who plainly led a 
 lazy and luxurious life ; and pleased to find that 
 Mr. Butler was at home, I immediately alighted. 
 To my surprise, however, the footman civilly 
 informed me that before entering, it would be 
 necessary to present my name to his master, as 
 he was exceedingly particular with respect to 
 AQsiters, and his place depended on obeying 
 punctually his orders. 
 
 This information abashed me not a little, for 
 I remembered that Mr, Butler had never en- 
 quired, or to my knowledge obtained my name ; 
 and I was puzzled what to do, till impudence 
 or mother wit coming to my assistance, 1 wrote 
 upon my card, " Mr. Butler's cicerone at St. 
 Mary's aisle.^' 
 
 This was duly presented, and the lacquey 
 instantly returned, with a glimpse of sun-shine 
 on his cherry-face, and telling me Mr. Butler 
 would be glad to see me, he assiduously gave 
 directions to another equally plump, but in- 
 ferior domestic respecting my luggage. 
 
 He then, after I had settled all business mat- 
 ters with the post-boy, ushered me into a well 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXI 
 
 stocked, and venerable looking library. This 
 certainly, was not in apple-pie order ; and no- 
 thing do I more detest, than to see a workshop 
 of the mind set out like an old woman's choice 
 china which never knew tea ; or a confec- 
 tioner's studies of the antique at a feast, which it 
 would be profanity to handle. Several high- 
 backed richly carved oak chairs, were filled with 
 ponderous volumes in vellum bindings ; from 
 which peeped many slips of paper, proving that 
 they had been at least consulted — whilst the 
 majority of the shelves had gaps in them, like 
 a person who has lost a front tooth ; or the 
 books resembled an awkward squad, which 
 advancing in line has just received the word 
 halt, for its villanous irregularity. A round 
 table in the centre of the room was positively 
 2l literary litter oi hooks, papers, magazines and 
 modern productions of the ever teeming press. 
 Scarcely had I made these observations, when 
 I heard an asthmatic cough; and the door 
 opening, presented the frail figure of Mr. But- 
 ler, robed in a flannel dressing grown, and his 
 head protected by a black velvet skull cap. 
 Although the old gentleman^s face appeared 
 
XXn INTRODUCTION. 
 
 almost unconscious of mirth or smiles, yet did 
 it brighten up for an instant with satisfaction 
 at seeing me ; and after giving me a hearty- 
 welcome, he said — 
 
 '^ I wish you had come a little sooner ; for I 
 have given several of my neighbours leave, and I 
 doubt not they have had the best of the sport, 
 although my keepers tell me there is this year 
 an unusual abundance of game."* 
 
 " I doubt not Mr. Butler," responded I, 
 ^^ there will be infinitely more than I shall kill 
 or attack, for I am at best but an indifferent 
 sportsman — do you yourself never shoot ? " 
 
 " Never ; years and pastime. Sir, agree as well 
 as sunshine and snow ; yet in my day I des- 
 pised not field sports." 
 
 I now took the liberty of insinuating, that 
 he considered himself older than he really was ; 
 but bitterly did I repent my compliment : for 
 with a sour asperity of manner he replied, ^^ Do 
 not attempt to flatter me, young man ; there is 
 nothing save falsehood I do more cordially hate 
 than flattery. I am too old, at least I think so, 
 for entering into such amusements; and the 
 experience of nearly threescore years is a better 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXlll 
 
 criterion of propriety and capability, than such 
 green years as yours." 
 
 This was the only bitter speech which he 
 uttered during my stay ; and it was both timely 
 deUvered, and sufficiently impressive, for it 
 gave me some insight into his strange disposi- 
 tion, and rendered me less liable to oiFend 
 him. 
 
 A couple of days had passed away very plea- 
 santly ', the forenoon in shooting, and the 
 remainder in dining, reading, and conversing 
 with Mr. Butler, who was an exceedingly well- 
 informed man ; when our conversation again 
 turned from Eastern topics, to that pro- 
 duction which I should not have noticed 
 here, to the risk of being considered vain, had 
 it not been the means of my becoming the 
 Editor of these papers. 
 
 We were seated over such a bottle of Bur- 
 gundy, as one might in vain hunt for in France ; 
 or even in England, save in some collection of 
 catacombs, resembling those which formed the 
 substructure of this venerable mansion. It 
 was a magnum sufficient to coax confession out 
 of the very heart of a murderer ; and e'er it 
 
XXIV INTRODUCTION. 
 
 was exhausted, I had mustered sufficient cou- 
 rage and conceit to acquaint my kind host, that 
 I was author of the above-mentioned produc- 
 tion : a disclosure which at first surprised him, 
 and afterwards appeared to give him some 
 cause for meditation, inasmuch as he became 
 gradually more thoughtful and silent. 
 
 The reason of this was soon afterwards un- 
 folded ; for whilst we were at our coiFee in a 
 small parlour which commanded a lovely pros- 
 pect over a trimly-kept flower garden and 
 shrubbery, into a park adorned with noble 
 trees, and the meanderings of a gentle stream, 
 he thus addressed me — 
 
 "I had no idea Sir, till this evening, that 
 you had any bent for literature, or devoted 
 much time to study ; for indeed, Ho hear of a 
 young man wandering so much about the world, 
 entering an idle profession, then embracing one 
 of a dry and difficult nature, and eventually 
 flying off" into romance, is I must say strange 
 and inconsistent. Man however, I believe, is the 
 mere tool or toy of fate, and as no one can from 
 a beginning pronounce what is likely to be the 
 end, I believe your opinion of me will not 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXV 
 
 be exalted when I tell you^ that I have long 
 entertained an intention of publishing some 
 passages in my life ; not (God knows) from any 
 desire of gaining literary celebrity, but because 
 I have been a being strangely blighted ; and 
 that the world may perceive on what trifling 
 circumstances important changes frequently 
 depend. My history, Sir, would not I believe, 
 prove altogether uninteresting, if it were 
 effectively narrated." 
 
 Here Mr. Butler stopped for an instant, not 
 from a loss of words or ideas, but of breath ; for 
 he was, as I have said, much troubled with 
 asthma, and whilst he was recruiting his lungs, 
 I replenished my liqueur glass from a seductive 
 looking bottle, whose belly was swathed all 
 over like an Italian's bambino fasciato, and 
 perceiving that he was not finished, awaited 
 patiently what he had further to say. 
 
 " It is many years Sir," resumed he, " since 
 I commenced sketching some of the most 
 extraordinary passages of my life ; and I am 
 sure you \^dll find the papers of very unequal 
 merit, and very different complexions. I have 
 however, forgot in the first place to ask, whe- 
 
 VOL. I. b 
 
XXVI INTRODUCTION. 
 
 ther you will venture to wade through them, 
 and give me your opinion as to the probability 
 of their success." 
 
 I, of course, expressed my willingness to 
 bestow upon them my best attention; when retir- 
 ing to an old cabinet, he drew forth one of the 
 oddest manuscripts I ever beheld. This was 
 no less than three large bundles of papers of 
 all shapes, sizes and colours, strung on wires 
 in the same manner as letters, or accounts, are 
 usually filed ; and my jaw must have fallen half 
 an inch, when I perceived at a glance, the 
 difficult and disagreeable task which I had 
 undertaken. 
 
 "There," cried he, throwing down the wires, 
 whilst a cloud of dust fled from their dingy 
 contents, ^'you can begin your work to-morrow, 
 and as every scrap of paper is numbered some- 
 where or other, you caa easily arrange them 
 after perusal.'^ 
 
 Our conversation next turned upon the best 
 means of securing a respectable publisher ; but 
 as utility, and not gain was Mr. Butler's object, 
 I assured him that he would find abundance of 
 public spiritedpublishers : but that if money had 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXVll 
 
 been his object, and the work in question a 
 second " Paradise Lost," it might have re- 
 mained in his cabinet till the " crack of doom ;^^ 
 or been consigned to some culinary or other 
 useful purpose. 
 
 " Well Sir/' replied he, " money cannot be 
 of much consequence to a childless, friendless, 
 old man like myself, who is on the verge of the 
 grave, and possessed of more thousands yearly, 
 than he spends fifties. With your permission 
 therefore, being utterly ignorant of the mys- 
 teries of book-making; (although forty years 
 ago I had obtained some httle insight into 
 the matter) I mil consign the revision and 
 arranging of these papers entirely to yourself, 
 and whatever profits may accrue from the 
 publication, shall be entirely at your own 
 disposal.^' 
 
 T disavowed all knoAvledge of what he felici- 
 tously termed the mysteries of book-making, 
 and politely thanked him for his intended 
 liberality ; but ventured to insinuate that I 
 would rather stipulate for another week's shoot- 
 ing as a reward for my trouble, than any 
 
 b2 
 
XVlll INTRODUCTION. 
 
 profits which had already fructified in his fervid 
 imagination. 
 
 " That/' rephed the old gentleman, " I con- 
 sider as receiving more than conferring a 
 favour; but if you will have it tacked to our 
 bargain, good and well." 
 
 Next morning having awaken earlier than 
 usual, I brought one of the wires with its mis- 
 shapen load into bed ; and with considerable 
 patience and perseverance was able to make 
 out one or two chapters, which gave me rather 
 a favourable estimate of the old man^s abilities, 
 and rendered the remainder of my task less 
 prospectively dreadful. 
 
 But to go through the whole mass, unico 
 contextu, was really a more laborious duty than 
 I felt capable of, nor was it indeed doing jus- 
 tice to the work ; I therefore resolved to take 
 my leisure and the papers away with me, pro- 
 vided that Mr. Butler would allow me. At 
 first he demurred at this proposal, nor did he 
 withdraw his objections until I had promised 
 faithfully to return and spend a few days with 
 him as soon as I had finished my perusal ; an 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXIX 
 
 invitation by no means inconvenient, as I con- 
 templated spending a few weeks in London. 
 
 I next day, took leave of the old gentleman ; 
 and after an agreeable journey in that carriage 
 which had, perhaps, been the means of my 
 forming his acquaintance, I was set down at 
 the Turf Hotel, in Newcastle, and thence 
 whirled per coach to my peaceful den of retire- 
 ment at the foot of the " Eildous three ?'^ 
 
 Having little to do, I now proceeded vigo- 
 rously in the manuscript, liking and disliking it 
 more and more ; for whilst many of the scenes 
 were new and interesting, an equal number 
 were altogether inadmissible from the taste, 
 opinions, and prejudices of the day. 
 
 I felt some delicacy in telling Mr. Butler 
 this, and what to do with the papers or say of 
 them perplexed me ; till ill as I could afford it 
 from any prospect of remuneration from a pub- 
 lisher, I resolved to engage some out of place 
 writer's clerk as an amanuensis, to assist me in 
 making a fair copy of the whole, which I mean- 
 while cut, carved, polished and arranged, as 
 methodically as possible. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 This accordingly was done at an expense of 
 two months' hard work, during which I had 
 several enquiries respecting our progress from 
 the author. We had nearly brought it to a 
 conclusion, when my boy placed a letter on the 
 table bearing the well known Newcastle stamp ; 
 but the handwriting was not Mr. Butler's, and 
 the large inch and a half seal was a strange one; 
 as also, thank Heaven, had for some time been 
 to me the funeral colour of the wax. This por- 
 tentous looking letter was from Mr. Butler's 
 lawyer, announcing my worthy friend's death ; 
 and containing an excerpt from one of the codi- 
 cils of his will, devising to me all right, title^ 
 and claim, to the papers in my possession ; 
 with, power to publish them, and appropriate to 
 myself any profit accruing or likely to accrue 
 thereby. Moreover, having undoubtedly the 
 example of the good old Duke of Bridgewater in 
 his eye ; he left me a considerable legacy, a 
 moiety of which I am permitted to keep for 
 defraying my trouble and expenses as editor ; 
 the other to be given to that critic who I con- 
 ceive has given the most just, and of course 
 favourable review of his production. 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXXI 
 
 To cut short howeverj a prolix prologue ; 
 when a decent time had elapsed after the 
 author's decease, I repaired to London, and 
 visiting my friend Mr. Macrone, (who by the 
 way is a great collector of Autographs,) ex- 
 plained to him the nature of my business. 
 He of course before making any offer for a work 
 which T praised up to the skies, requested a pe- 
 rusal ; and accordingly I sent him the three wires 
 with their identical contents which I had brought 
 with me for the purpose of astonishing him. 
 
 When a fortnight, (the period specified for an 
 answer) had expired, I asked what opinion his 
 literary adviser had given of the M.S. j and was 
 not surprised to hear it was so exceedingly, 
 below par that he could not venture to inter- 
 fere with it. 
 
 " That is unfortunate,'' said 1, " as it will 
 prove mortifying to my friend; I have, however, 
 brought another work with me, which I desire 
 you would place in the same learned gentleman's 
 hands, and I pledge all the little critical acumen 
 I possess, that it meets a better reception." 
 
 This was done, that is to say, the clean copy 
 
XXXU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 was forwarded ; and as I had still three weeks 
 to devote to metropolitan dissipation, I begged 
 Macrone to dine with me ]:)efore my departure, 
 and bring his proposal at his finger's end. 
 What this was, I shall leave him to say ; but 
 lo ! Mr. Butler^s work is before you. 
 
INTRODUCTION, 
 
 The more I ponder on nature the more 
 inconsistent does she appear. True it is, that 
 what I may conceive an anomaly, or contradic- 
 tion worthy of a coquette or prude, sages will 
 designate wisdom, unsearchable from its pro- 
 fundity. 
 
 " All nature is but art unknown to thee ; 
 
 All chance, direction which thou canst not see. 
 
 All discord, harmony not understood. 
 
 All partial evil, universal good. — 
 
 And spite of pride, in erring reason's spite. 
 
 One truth is clear — whatever is, is right." 
 
 Having no more philosophy in my nature 
 than an ordinary peripatetic tinker, I am 
 mightily soon mystified and puzzled; but the 
 truth of the latter line I have quoted, is cer- 
 tainly to me far from clear. 
 
 VOL. I. B 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 I presume not to hint (as has been done) 
 that had I been consulted in the organization 
 of things^ I could have suggested improvements; 
 but as matters now are, 1 could mention cir- 
 cumstances which I would wish otherwise, and 
 which being as they are perplex me. Why has 
 the peacock no voice ? the bulbul such men- 
 dicant plumage ? ^Tis wisdom unsearchable 
 from its profundity, sayeth the philosopher; 
 " and spite of pride in erring reason's spite,^^ 
 jingles the poet, " one truth is clear, whatever 
 is — is right." Now, all this, and a thousand 
 other things my tinkerian capacity sets down 
 as pure fantastical caprice in the good old 
 dame Nature ; and who is the wiser, or the 
 better ? Let us, however, be desultory. 
 
 I have now waded through three - score 
 years of — what for want of a proper con- 
 ceptive term we call Time; and during that 
 heartless motive- wan ting pilgrimage, have ob- 
 served, that our deepest rooted prejudices are 
 frequently and happily entwined round trifles, 
 which interfere not with the serious welfare of 
 our friends : they, on the contrary, usually con- 
 stitute the most absurd items of our constitu- 
 
INTRODUCTION. 5 
 
 tion, parturient of follies sufficiently glaring 
 to make devils grin. 
 
 Antipathies may be defined natural preju- 
 dices, and in them we see the waggery of 
 Omnipotent Nature more extravagantly pour- 
 trayed, than in many of her heterogeneous 
 wonders. AVe need not turn to natural history, 
 for there they are estabUshed for such indispen- 
 sable purposes betwixt different species, as to 
 become laws betokening her wisdom and her 
 kindness ; but what shall we think of her, when 
 we see a lord of the creation growing pale at a 
 spider, becoming frantic at the smell of roast 
 pork ; or not the least common case, seeing a 
 man of years and gravity like myself, turning 
 perfectly furious at the sight of a cat ? Never 
 was man of woman born, damned with such 
 supreme detestation of the race as myself; a 
 tiger, or crocodile, would be to me mere play- 
 things, rocking horses, and skip-jacks, in com- 
 parison with a tabby. Satan has to me no sin 
 compared with the horror conjured up by this 
 odious animal ; a demon alights within my 
 soul, and does what he likes with me. I un- 
 dergo the exquisite horror of feeling myself in 
 
 B 2 
 
4 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 possession of a mind acting maniac vagaries, 
 without a quelling, a controuling influence. 
 Nor is this mysterious abhorrence founded 
 solely in terror, in weak pusillanimity ; there is 
 wound up with it a shuddering conviction of 
 the wickedness of my arch enemy, which incre- 
 dibly absurd emotion, in conjunction with 
 others, excruciates my brain, as if a curr^xomb 
 were drawn through it, deranges me, and con- 
 stitutes altogether an idiosyncratic pang, God 
 has kindly ordered few to experience ! 
 
 Ever since memory could retrace her la- 
 byrinths, I have been conscious of this mental 
 flaw, which avalanche-like has grown in 
 strength, influencing the operations of my 
 mind, and with a humiliating reflection on 
 humanity, I add, perchance my virtues. 
 
 I am now when grey in locks, incurious 
 in things, uninterested even in gaining wis- 
 dom ; (feeling it can be acquired, but quickly 
 to moulder in the grave) — unhkely to lie ; 
 and I declare that this one strange ordinance 
 of fate, or freak of Nature has directed the most 
 momentous actions of my life, and eventually 
 rendered me almost an anchorite. Smile not, 
 
INTRODUCTION. 5 
 
 ye credulous ! censure not, ye unknowing ! for 
 believe me, as the organic healtlifulness of the 
 most unappreciated corporeal parts is unfre- 
 quently indispensable for the continuance of 
 life, even so the most trivial and intangible 
 springs of thought, are of importance as regards 
 general mental operation. 
 
 But where have I wandered to ? On re- 
 perusing this much, I find I have betrayed 
 more of my tinkerian philosophy, and whined 
 more grey goose sentiment, than I have been 
 guilty of for half a century. The object of this 
 prolix introduction is to apprise my reader, 
 that it is my intention to embody some remi- 
 niscences which the Cain-hke mark branded 
 upon me has rendered memorable. 
 
 Nor is the task unpleasing ; each newly 
 raised thought and circumstance comes before 
 me arrayed like a laughing Venus, with her 
 graces; or on the contrary, like some imp- 
 attended fury, chapletted with serpents, which 
 hiss horridly in my ears. I sit a sombre spec- 
 tator, as it were, of a series of dramas, sometimes 
 light, sometimes grave ; and it is only on laying 
 down my quill— which I am too blind and lazy 
 to mend — that I remember what I now am. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 " Perpetual, sober gods ! I do proclaim 
 
 One honest man : mistake me not, but one : 
 
 No more I pray ; and he's a steward." 
 
 Timon, 
 
 My father was the younger son of a gentle- 
 man of landed property, who, offending all his 
 relations by an early and imprudent marriage, 
 quitted this country for Germany. That mar- 
 riage, however, lasted no longer than my birth, 
 it having cost my mother — who was a very deli- 
 cate but lovely woman — her life. Almost 
 broken-hearted from this sudden bereavement, 
 my father having seen me safely lodged in the 
 
ANTIPATHY. 7 
 
 hands of my relations in England, entered the 
 service of the Prince of Orange, and perished 
 in a duel with one of the French republicans 
 who had proffered their assistance to the 
 states. 
 
 My uncle, Francis Butler^ Esq. whose name 
 I bear, took charge of my orphan fortunes 
 with a kindness rivalling all parental affection. 
 Mr. Butler was one of the finest specimens of 
 genteel celibacy I ever beheld. Inheriting an 
 ample fortune, principle, not a want of means 
 for supporting even an extravagant partner, 
 directed him in his monastic choice. It was 
 no disappointment of the affections, no churlish 
 feeling towards the sex which rendered him 
 averse to marriage ; and indeed I can only 
 account for his bachelor state by his love of 
 sohtude, and intellectual habits. Regularity 
 and preciseness are words inadequate to con- 
 vey his routine of life ; yet, though sufficiently 
 talented to grapple with the profoundest dis- 
 quisitions, the charm of his existence seemed 
 to depend on every thing that was trivial ; and 
 matters of no consequence, to the generality of 
 
9 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 the world, were in his eyes pregnant with im- 
 portance and fate. 
 
 Even now his figure bursts upon my view : 
 his tall, erect, graceful person, enveloped in a 
 broad skirted brown coat with its ponderous 
 cuiFs, so scrupulously brushed as to defy the 
 most experienced eye to detect a moat or 
 blemish ; and then his wig curled so exactly, 
 and not a whit too much or too little of the 
 powder; his stockings snowy as is compati- 
 ble with the art of bleaching, and shoes which 
 shone like polished ebony. So minutely par- 
 ticular was the old gentleman in his dress, that 
 I have often seen him condemn consecutively 
 three cravats for some impropriety of plait, 
 all which, to my keen eye, was puzzhngly 
 fastidious. 
 
 It may be imagined, one so particular con- 
 cerning his dress must have been equally so 
 upon most other things ; — and it was so. Ah, 
 were he but to revisit his favourite room in 
 which I am now seated, and behold all its 
 rules of order and neatness so shamefully sub- 
 verted, how agonizing would be the worthy old 
 
ANTIPATHY. 
 
 gentleman's grief ! His arranged volumes are 
 scattered about, some on chairs and tables, 
 others on the floor ; not one chair stands 
 either reciprocal or in direct antipodes to its 
 fellow ; the cabinet's glass doors with its dusty 
 silk curtains, stand yawning like the violated 
 tomb of all the Capulets, the red morocco 
 writing table is an indiscriminate litter of let- 
 ters, quills, gloves, newspapers ; and his own 
 favourite red china ink-holder, resembles an 
 Ethiopian leper. Brought up in such an as- 
 semblage of punctualities, it may astonish the 
 world that I am negligent of their observance, 
 even to the contrary extreme, 
 
 I however left my uncle's house e'er I be- 
 came completely one of the many machines 
 by which his mansion was tenanted ; and the 
 cause of this remains to be told. 
 
 Mr. Butler, in spite of these Uttle peculiar! 
 ties, was the kindest-hearted man that ever 
 lived ; for some miles round his own domain, 
 want and abject poverty were perfect strangers, 
 and to myself his indulgence was boundless. 
 I at this period — at which my confessions com- 
 mence — was seventeen ; had my horse, my gun, 
 
 B 5 
 
10 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 my pointer, my greyhound, and my terriers, 
 and every thing else coveted by the most 
 aspiring youngsters of that age ; and what wa's 
 prized by me more than all, I had the best of 
 friends to enjoy them with. 
 
 Alfred Wyndham was the only child of 
 a neighbouring squire who had a small inde- 
 pendency, and being only a year older than 
 myself, we were naturally companions from 
 earliest childhood. Scarcely did a day elapse 
 without my spending it at the Grange, or he 
 at my uncle's ; though from the extraordinary 
 and undeviating regularity of our household, 
 the Grange saw more of me than otherwise 
 would have been the case. I will, at present, 
 expatiate no further on Alfred's character, than 
 to say that he was the noblest, liveliest, and 
 most affectionate friend I ever had. Whether it 
 were purely accidental or the effects of long 
 uninterrupted companionship, our minds were 
 much alike ; our thoughts, our views of things 
 were generally the same, and often simultane- 
 ous ; we had an intuitive perception — I might 
 call it — of what was passing within each other, 
 and few could carry on a longer conversation 
 
ANTIPATHY. 11 
 
 with fewer words than ourselves, or enjoy one 
 so supremely; we were indeed knit together by 
 some powerful sympathy. The greatest differ- 
 ence betwixt us was in our mischief, for al- 
 though both were held dihgent scape-graces 
 from innumerable petty delinquincies, yet my 
 misdemeanours had generally something mah- 
 cious in their nature ; whilst Alfred^s arose 
 invariably from recklessness and want of pru- 
 dence. 
 
 Consequential as were many of the martyrs 
 to our mirth, there was one dignified func- 
 tionary of my uncle's household, whose interest 
 and years might have been supposed sufficient, 
 under ordinary circumstances, to have rendered 
 him exempt from any infliction of our roguery ; 
 and that was Mr. Jasper Harrison, the butler. 
 He was the officiating corporeal of what has a 
 thousand times been ideally delineated, an old, 
 faithful and privileged family servant. He had 
 decanted wine for my grandfather; and his 
 successor had not more clock work in his 
 nature, in some minor particulars, than Jasper. 
 Every bin was known to him, not only as such 
 in the vulgar, but as an archive containing 
 
12 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 separate portions of family history ; nay, every . 
 bottle in some of them was in itself a legend. 
 Frequently have I spent an entertaining half 
 hour with this venerable domestic threading 
 these spacious lanes of carefully built-up flasks, 
 and listening to some tale of long by-gone 
 revelry. 
 
 " There/' said he, to me, one day, pointing to 
 a corner crypt, containing barely a dozen cob- 
 web-shrouded magnums : " there is wine, old 
 I believe as the building, which has never been 
 used but for christenings of the family." 
 
 " And how many bottles, Jasper, were 
 drawn," demanded I, " at my christening ?" 
 
 The fact afterwards struck me, though not 
 then, that the old man smiled, as he said stam- 
 meringly — 
 
 " I can't say — Master Francis — my memory 
 is often treacherous." 
 
 Thus did he evade what I afterwards dis- 
 covered of my birth, that there was no mag- 
 num dislodged from that or any other cavern 
 in the cellar when I was born. And no wonder : 
 for, reader, in three words, my mother was the 
 dairy-maid of my proud grandfather. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 13 
 
 So fond was my uncle of this ancient re- 
 tainer, that I remember no other way of giving 
 him serious umbrage than insulting him. To 
 seriously ill use so excellent an old soul, would 
 I grant, have been unpardonable barbarity, and 
 yet, even now, I cannot help thinking that the 
 crustiness of the butler, which at times ex- 
 ceeded that of his oldest wine, frequently met 
 with a merited castigation from both Alfred and 
 myself. 
 
 It may be supposed I was not allowed to 
 infringe upon the cleanliness or order of any of 
 my uncle's apartments, and had therefore a 
 couple of rooms devoted entirely to my own 
 purposes. In these, I kept my gun, pistols, 
 fishing apparatus, tools, and a thousand other 
 different things, in such promiscuous disorder, 
 as would have thoroughly sickened Mr. Butler 
 had he ever mustered sufficient courage to pop 
 his nose therein. These rooms, Alfred and I 
 regarded justly as the inviolable altar of our 
 privacy, and no one ever ventured to presume 
 otherwise, save and except the incorrigible 
 Jasper. Disregarding stulibornly all my re- 
 monstrances, the licensed old man, whenever 
 
14 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 the fire in his own pantry chanced to be low, 
 and he required its immediate use, scrupled not 
 to take advantage of mine, which I always kept 
 fiercely blazing. To complain to my uncle 
 against him was useless, for he would always 
 say, " Well, Frank, I dare say Harrison would 
 not have intruded into your rooms unless from 
 some urgent emergency;" and that was all the 
 redress I ever obtained. 
 
 Alfred and I chanced to come in from 
 shooting one frosty forenoon, and lo ! what do 
 we perceive upon the said fire but an iron pot 
 containing a quantity of boiUng wax which 
 Jasper was about to use for sealing his wine 
 bottles ; there was no excuse for this intrusion, 
 as he might have taken it to the kitchen ; and 
 without thinking of the consequences I gave 
 the pot a kick which overturned it, and in a 
 trice such a volume of flame arose, as set tlie 
 chimney on fire. Moreover, to our dismay, 
 the wax ran in a lava-like stream along the 
 floor, threatening to set on fire the boards after 
 utterly demolishing, as it did, a portion of the 
 carpet. Such a hubbub as then took place ! — 
 servants fluttering about like harpies, scream- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 15 
 
 ing and bawling. Harrison, to the risk of 
 breaking his neck, rushing distractedly with a 
 couple of buckets to the pump ; pumping till 
 out of breath ; returning in such a hurry as to 
 spill half what he had pumped ; and then dash- 
 ing one bucket on the now almost noxious 
 material. 
 
 At this moment, Alfred with a never-to-be 
 sufficiently lauded alacrity, caught up the other 
 bucket which Jasper had relinquished, and 
 with pretended assiduity, threw the whole con- 
 tents upon his head and neck, whilst I, ap- 
 parently frantic with terror, with a wet mop 
 black with soot wiped thrice his face, and then 
 hit him such a lucky back stroke over his un- 
 protected white-stocking spindle shanks, as 
 made him yell, and almost fall upon his knees. 
 
 The forcible appeal made by him to my uncle 
 (which he instantly did) may be conceived, 
 with his countenance as dark and woe-begone 
 as Othello's. 
 
 The rebuke I that day got, was the first 
 severe one which I heard fall from my uncle^s 
 lips ; and I never, till then, beheved him capa- 
 ble of the severity and dignity which he 
 
16 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 shewed. The pith of it all was, that if I again 
 interfered with the old man, I would incur 
 much more seriously his displeasure than I 
 contemplated. I never knew Mr. Butler say 
 a thing he did not mean, or did not abide by, 
 and this made a proportionable impression 
 upon me. 
 
 On telhng this to Alfred, which 1 did with a 
 long face, he laughed at my dejection, saying 
 he would some day or other avenge my wrongs 
 upon the old Tyburn Tapster, for so he used 
 to designate Jasper, from the place of his nati- 
 vity — to his unspeakable indignation. It was 
 less than a week after this incident, that Al- 
 fred found an opportunity of executing his 
 threat. I had promised to dine at the Grange, 
 and could not account for his elevated spirits 
 the whole way there. 
 
 " Were it not that I knew you so well, 
 Alfred," said I, " I should say you had been 
 tippling to-day.^' 
 
 '' And perchance," said he, " I may, for 
 believe me I was over all your cellar this fore- 
 noon.'^ 
 
 " Not without old trusty Tyburn, however," 
 
ANTIPATHY. 17 
 
 said I, " and he is too surly a custodier to 
 allow you to draw cork at such unseasonable 
 times/^ 
 
 " Be it so/' said Alfred, " and I am accord- 
 ingly absolved from the charge of intoxi- 
 cation/' 
 
 We had dressed^ and were wiling away 
 the time till dinner over a game of chess, when 
 we were surprised by seeing a carriage sweep 
 along a splendid avenue of chestnut trees, which 
 formed one of the most prominent and beauti- 
 ful objects of that neighbourhood. 
 
 " AVho can this be r" said Alfred, addressing 
 his mother ; " the horses are post-horses, and 
 the carriage a strange one*" 
 
 ^' It cannot be your father,^' replied Mrs. 
 Wyndham, " for 'tis but six days since he left 
 for London, and business will detain him there 
 a fortnight ; besides, I see band-boxes and a 
 lady*s maid ; I would not say but it is my 
 sister." 
 
 A dense clump of wood and shrubbery, 
 however, put an end to further observation 
 till, circHng this obstructed portion of the 
 
18 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 lawn^ the vehicle drew suddenly up to the 
 door. It held two ladies. 
 
 " My sister and her dear niece !" exclaimed 
 Mrs. Wyndham in raptures, hastening out to 
 receive them. 
 
 " Now do I pray Heaven/' said Alfred, 
 " my mother has good store of tea, and the 
 milk of patience, for often have I heard my 
 father say, that aunt Rebecca spends more 
 time in discussing tea and scandal than any 
 three patronesses of these luxuries in the 
 realm." 
 
 " Amen !" responded I, following him to 
 the door. From the embracing, the kissing, 
 the hugging, the mumbhng, the O-dearing ! 
 and various other ejaculations which took 
 place betwixt these relatives, I correctly judged 
 they had not met for many years. I will not 
 now draw Miss Rebecca's portrait, who was 
 shown up to the room, followed by the beauti- 
 ful sylph-like figure of what seemed to me an 
 angel ; and I need hardly say, that this was 
 her niece. Miss Landon. If my admiration 
 was great, Alfred's was extravagant. 
 
 " Is she not a heavenly creature ?" cried he. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 19 
 
 " such winning dark 'eyes, and such a foot ! 
 Do you not envy me having so fair a cousin ?" 
 
 " I see no reason for envying you,'^ replied 
 I, '^ since I have every chance, although no 
 relation, of admiring your cousin's eyes and 
 feet as frequently as yourself/' 
 
 " Ah ! say you so ?" rejoined my friend, 
 laughing, " then let the day that brought her 
 here be henceforth held as jubilant, and your 
 excuses for absence from the Grange will 
 become a dead letter. What a delightful party, 
 Frank, we will make ! Such parties, such 
 excursions ! We must show her every thing 
 hereabouts." 
 
 " Doubtless — but preserve me," observed I, 
 pointing to the carriage ; " what an extraordi- 
 nary equipment does your worthy aunt travel 
 withal !'^ 
 
 " A marvellous miscellany, forsooth !" said 
 Alfred, " a miniature menagerie ! of which 
 she herself, to judge by her features, is the 
 lanky-faced baboon.^' 
 
 These correct remarks applied to the gutting 
 of Miss Rebecca's carriage ; for first there was 
 lifted out carefully, as if it had been glass. 
 
-0 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 labelled, " This side upwards/' — such an ani- 
 mal as a roundish turnip, dirty at one extre- 
 mity, would represent, if mounted on four legs: 
 which legs were however useless, the brute in 
 question having neither spirit nor power to 
 jump out of the vehicle. It might once have 
 been, as its jet nose and sickle-shaped tail 
 hinted, an ordinary pug-dog. Next came forth 
 two baskets, holding the Lord knows what ! 
 and then, after some trouble, a large brass 
 wired cage, containing a cockatoo, with a 
 yellow top-knot. Another wicker cage, impri- 
 soning some pursy guinea-pigs, succeeded ; 
 and two others of smaller dimensions holding 
 canaries and linnets, completed this establish- 
 ment of favouritism ; but to venture on any 
 enumeration of inanimate items would be very 
 hardihood. After we had been balked of dinner a 
 couple of long hours, the ladies took their 
 seats, and the following brief account of them 
 will not be held out of place. 
 
w 
 
 ANTIPATHY. 21 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 " But for to tellen you all hire beautee. 
 
 It lith not in my tongue ne in my conning ; 
 
 I dare not undertake so high a thing ; 
 
 Mine English eke is unsuflBcient : 
 
 It must ben a rethor excellent 
 
 That coude his colours longing for that art. 
 
 If he shuld hire descriven ony part ; 
 
 I am now suche ; I mote speke as I can." 
 
 Chaucer. 
 
 Miss Rebecca Witherspoon was a notable 
 specimen of a regular confirmed old maid. 
 Far be it from me, who am myself little better 
 than an antiquated bachelor, to chronicle 
 ought here derogatory to a character which, if 
 I do not altogether admire, generally exhibits, 
 I admit, many virtues. 
 
22 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 The venerable spinster will have failings, 
 but she seldom has grievous faults; many, 
 indeed, have stuck to celibacy, from their 
 excellencies ; these have invariably been girls 
 of high feeling and sentiment, devoid of all 
 disingenuity, who have in vain looked for 
 those paragons of excellence in our sex, which 
 fallacious fancy had shewn them. On the con- 
 trary, it must be admitted, there are many 
 maiden ladies who have, whilst in the pride 
 of beauty, trifled fastidiously with the aifec- 
 tions of lovers, making scoff and scorn of all 
 offers and settlements, till they found, to their 
 chagrin and astonishment, that a deficiency of 
 homage awaits waning bloom. Such capricious 
 jilting damsels always feel the charm of single 
 blessedness most acutely ; and it would seem 
 as if an offended and avenging Providence 
 retaliated, on their withered hearts, the pangs 
 they had giddily inflicted on others ; for they 
 become thoughtful, fretful, peevish, and even- 
 tually crabbed ; whereas, the rejected squatters 
 in the prairie of matrimony receive some indi- 
 rect consolation by seeing the chattels for 
 which they bid so goodly a price, sticking 
 
ANTIPATHY. 23 
 
 dusty and spider-spattered on the shelf, alto- 
 gether unmarketable. In justice to Miss 
 Witherspoon it must, however, be observed, 
 that she was not one who ever had the power 
 or inclination to amuse herself with playing 
 suitors as an angler does pike or salmon, and 
 then lose them after all by a bungle. No ! she 
 never had had a lover. A woman without a 
 lover ! Woman, born for love ; born to be 
 worshipped and wooed, and without whom 
 man is as a ship without chart or compass ! 
 It is, however, downright verity, and although 
 our sex may have become squeamish now-a- 
 days, from the unlimited means of selection, 
 yet do I question if Adam himself would have 
 been satisfied had his rib assumed such a face 
 and form as Rebecca. She was six feet minus 
 an inch in her shoes, and, like all super-grown 
 l^eings, had not a single sculptural beauty in 
 that whole bodily elongation. Her neck, which 
 she took the wise precaution of concealing 
 as much as possible, did not appear propor- 
 tionable to the weight of an immense head 
 and its garnishing. It was scraggy and per- 
 pendicular; her sharp angular features were 
 
24 ANTIPATHY, 
 
 sufficiently cadaverous, or rather mealy looking; 
 but her nose was red as a strawberry, and 
 from its point many small wrinkles descended 
 to its base, and from thence again upwards to 
 her eyes, like shrouds — which wrinkles she 
 was accustomed to pucker up when saying 
 any thing cutting or complimentary. Her 
 eyes were small, of an ashy colour, and sur- 
 rounded by lashes as white as this paper. 
 
 Uncaptivating as was Miss Rebecca's ex- 
 terior, she had nevertheless a warm heart, and 
 those affections which, had fate granted her a 
 husband, would have been bestowed upon him 
 were squandered on the forementioned favour- 
 ites, at the head of which Hst was Agnes 
 Landon. 
 
 It is right to state, that Miss Rebecca was a 
 joint heiress with her sister, and occupied a 
 pretty seat near Richmond, where she devoted 
 herself entirely to the superintendence of her 
 niece^s education, and the interests of a female 
 junto of first rate gossipers. 
 
 Miss Landon was the daughter of a rich 
 Bengal civilian, who married the youngest of 
 the three sisters, and transported her to that 
 
ANTIPATHY. 25 
 
 clime of curry ; but on account of the delicacy 
 of his wife and daughter's health, he sent them 
 to Europe, expecting the change to bring about 
 a renovation. 
 
 Mrs. Landon, however, scarcely survived her 
 voyage a month, and on her death-bed consigned 
 the charge of her beloved infant to Rebecca. 
 Through her incessant care, and the healthful 
 country breezes, little Agnes from a pale sickly 
 and consumptive child, soon became a bounc- 
 ing blooming girl. She was now just fifteen, 
 and exquisitely beautiful ; she was tall, yet 
 figure and feature were alike faultless; the glossy 
 raven rinHets huns: like vine tendrils round her 
 fair neck, in the most fascinating barber-baffling 
 curls, and her eyes, bright and black, had still 
 that moist languishing softness, which we 
 usually describe as Asiatic. It is difficult to 
 paint with verbiage pigments ; but if imagina- 
 tion crown those eyes with arching brows, and 
 an open polished forehead, joining thereto a 
 ruddy cheek, a small and parted cherry lip, 
 slightly curled with never flagging good humour, 
 and as if purposely so to shew a few white teeth 
 you may then fancy Agnes. No expense had 
 
 VOL. I c 
 
26 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 been spared by her father, and no trouble by 
 Miss Witherspoon to render her in every way 
 accompUshed ; and although far from being a 
 genius, yet was Agnes too docile and sensible 
 not to have profited by those advantages. She 
 sung sweetly, drew tolerably, danced admirably, 
 understood French better than Italian, loved 
 novels better than sermons, knew nought of 
 latin or astronomy. She could moreover string 
 a harp or guitar 5 and was up to a thousand 
 ornamental nick-nackeries, which are without 
 distinguishing designations ; but had Agnes 
 been the most egregious inepta in Christendom, 
 her irreproachable good temper would have 
 assoilzied her from all defects. 
 
 Such is an outline delineation of the two 
 visiters at the Grange. The dinner conversa- 
 tion was carried on altogether betwixt the two 
 sisters, on one side ; Alfred, myself and Agnes 
 on the other ; and ere it was finished, we were 
 all as intimate as if we had been acquainted all 
 our lives. Few evenings do I remember having 
 spent more happily ; every curiosity the man- 
 sion contained was produced ; then we danced, 
 forced her to sing and play, and then we romped. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 27 
 
 Meanwhile Miss Rebecca was employed in 
 ascertaining the most judicious situations for a 
 prolonged sojourn of her four-footed and fea- 
 thered followers. 
 
 Having pretty well exhausted each source 
 of amusement^ we set down to cogitate upon^ 
 and devise recreation for the morrow ; and 
 after much pro and con chat, it was resolved 
 that an equestrian expedition should be the 
 order of the day. I was to start off in the 
 morning before breakfast, and order over my 
 own horse for Agnes, he being easy in his 
 paces, and very gentle ; whilst I intended 
 bestriding one of my nucleus. 
 
 We now broke up for the night, Miss Re- 
 becca having first encircled in her long polypus 
 arms the delicate waist of Agnes, and given 
 her ruby lips a kiss which we both envied. 
 
 " Good night, child," said Miss Wither- 
 spoon, " and do like a dear, see Marion ne- 
 glects not poor Petrarch and Laura.^' 
 
 Laura, be it known, was a bandy-legged 
 turnspit, the peculiar spouse of Petrarch, which 
 had lately been pronounced, " as well as could 
 be expected" after an accouchment of seven 
 
 c 2 
 
28 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 hideous mongrels — and this accounts for the 
 carefully covered baskets. 
 
 " Go, go P^ said she to a magpie, who at 
 this moment hopped into the room, with the 
 greatest nonchalance ; and after turning his 
 head once or twice knowingly on each side 
 to scan the company, flew to the well known 
 fingers of his mistress ; '^ go, go Hannibal, 
 you have no business here." 
 
 This bird, by the way, was a notorious 
 robber, and had cost her and others, many 
 a bodkin and thimble. 
 
 But all now withdrew to rest, Miss Re- 
 becca leading the way with ample strides, 
 prattling, " chick, chickening, up, upering,'' and 
 making many other queer noises and dis- 
 torted faces, to her piebald family felon. 
 
 We were both early risers; but next morning 
 I left Alfred fast asleep, and was on my way 
 to the Hall for making the stipulated pre- 
 parations. I remember well, it was a most 
 lovely, dewy August morning, and all my 
 feelings, why or wherefore I know not, were 
 wound up to a state bordering on excitement ; 
 it was a mood and moment adapted for fervid 
 
ANTIPATHY. 29 
 
 impulses, one in which the spirits riot in buoy- 
 ancy, and every thing pleasurable impresses 
 pleasure. My ear seemed more to rejoice in 
 the many matins of the birds than it had ever 
 previously done, and to catch every note 
 with an uncommon distinctness. Every heavy 
 dew-bathed rose dispensed its delicious otto 
 with a fragrance never previously experienced, 
 and my eye wandered farther than usual 
 through the thin and distant mists. Even my 
 steps must have betrayed to an observer the 
 joyous nature of my feelings. Reaching the 
 end of my uncle's avenue, I was somewhat 
 surprised at seeing several servants hauling, 
 what I conceived at that distance to be, a net 
 from the carp-pond, whilst my uncle stood 
 alongside directing their operations. 
 
 Mr. Butler seldom permitted his carp to 
 be thus killed, and I supposed, from this, 
 that some visiters had arrived, a thing equally 
 uncommon as the destruction of his finny pen- 
 sioners. Just as I came up to the group, 
 which consisted in all of five persons, I heard 
 John the footman, who was working what still 
 seemed to me a casting-net, cry out, in a 
 
30 
 
 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 solemn sort of voice, " I've got him now — 
 here he is !" And as he spoke, he pulled 
 towards him, with some difficulty, a rope, the 
 tension of which bespoke the mighty nature 
 of his draft. Mr. Butler appeared affected to 
 a very extraordinary degree, and I began to 
 augur, from his permitting so uncommon a 
 violation of his preserves, that no ordinary 
 strangers had that day honoured us. Before 
 another word, however, was spoken, John, 
 with great muscular exertion, lugged out of 
 the sedges and mud something ponderous, 
 which had the appearance of an old manger 
 filled with sand and stones. Several excla- 
 mations ensued, and my uncle's face bright- 
 ened. 
 
 " Well, I'm glad he's not in the pond,^' 
 said he to his domestics. 
 
 " I think,'^ replied John, " I may safely 
 swear to that; but here's a queer article," 
 pointing to the manger. 
 
 Meanwhile my uncle had stalked away 
 towards the mansion, and running up, I asked 
 him what all this was about ? 
 
 " Only,*' said he, " Jasper is unaccountably 
 
ANTIPATHY. 31 
 
 missing. For thirty-six years he has never 
 before left the Hall, and as he has been 
 away for the last twenty-four hours without 
 word or warning, I have little doubt that the old 
 seneschal's days are finished; whether volun- 
 tarily or not we are doing everything to dis- 
 cover. Have you seen him lately ?" 
 
 I of course had not, and innumerable con- 
 jectures were made as to what could have 
 befallen poor Harrison. 
 
 " I'll order out all my tenants in search of 
 him," said my uncle, earnestly, entering the 
 house ; and meanwhile I, with less buoyant 
 spirits, went to order one of the grooms to 
 get the horses caparisoned for the day's 
 amusement. Now it so chanced that it was 
 necessary for me, on account of a lady's 
 saddle, to repair to a lumber-room very near 
 the stair which conducted down to the cel- 
 larage, and whilst there busied looking out for 
 one, which, although it had not been used for 
 years, was almost new, I was not a little terri- 
 fied at hearing a long long groan. I dropped 
 the rusty bit I had been mentally abusing, and 
 listened — another hollow and prolonged groan 
 
32 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 soon succeeded, followed by a string of dread- 
 ful curses, which, but for the well-known 
 intonation, I could never have supposed to 
 proceed from the mouth of Harrison. Too 
 well acquainted was I with the spot to be mis- 
 taken as to whence these dismal noises proceed- 
 ed, and I ran precipitately to the cellar door. 
 
 " Jasper !" shouted I, " are you there ?'^ 
 
 ^' Oh yes !" responded Jasper — " you ac- 
 cursed young villain — do you add cruel insult 
 to murder? — I am dying ! — murdered— Hugh ! 
 Hugh !^' his voice becoming inarticulate from 
 cough and huskiness. 
 
 I returned no answer, but rushed into my 
 uncle's study with such violence as to upset a 
 small table, and for which I underwent some 
 gentle correction. 
 
 *^ Jasper's in the cellar, dying '/' cried I, 
 regardless of the unusual disorder I had occa- 
 sioned. 
 
 " Impossible !" quoth my uncle — " but first 
 replace that teapoy, — do you call that replacing 
 it ?" said he, savagely taking it from my handis 
 — " you might have seen it stood exactly 
 'twixt these pictures, and not resting against 
 
ANTIPATHY. 33 
 
 the cornice — there, careless ! Now let us 
 relieve poor Jasper.'' 
 
 But the cellar keys were' no where to be 
 found, although every nook in the Hall was 
 searched over and over. 
 
 " Break open the door,'^ at length said my 
 uncle, who I believe had it not been Jasper, 
 would otherwise have seen all his household 
 as securely shut up as the citizens during the 
 siege of Rome, rather than been guilty of so 
 flagrant an infrin;i;ement on the ward of a lock 
 which had never been at default for more than 
 half a century. 
 
 The mandate, however, was issued, and 
 speedy was the destruction afterwards; for 
 John, with a kind of battle-axe, restricted pro- 
 perly to the splitting of coals, bestowed a few 
 such smashing blows upon that panel or 
 board to which the lock w^as affixed, as dis- 
 joined it wholly from the timber. A supple- 
 mentary kick then opened the door, and exhi- 
 bited Jasper seated within a couple of yards of 
 it, his back resting against the end of a pipe of 
 wine ; his legs stretched out and crossed, and 
 his arms also extended to their utmost, his 
 
 C 5 
 
34 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 palms supporting him on either side. His 
 face bore the impress of something at par with 
 his despair ; yet not from suffering or grief. 
 No, it was a more intellectual and intolerable 
 dolor ; — the despair of seeing that lock he had 
 all his life unlocked, in a moment thus ruth- 
 lessly destroyed. 
 
 Great as was the magnitude of his indig- 
 nation ; severe as was the famine he had under- 
 gone for twenty-two hours ; ache-causing as was 
 his resting place, (in spite of the saw dust he 
 had scraped together from many bins) ; har- 
 rowing as was the insult which withered his old 
 soul ; yet were all these complicated sorrows 
 but as plain black snuff to number thirty- 
 seven, compared with the overpowering horror 
 with which, seated in the posture we have des- 
 cribed, he beheld that lock — the bolt of which 
 he had made revolve some million times — 
 hanging downwards with tongue displayed like 
 to a rabid animal. No expression, however, 
 escaped him, and whilst he, with difficulty, 
 raised himself on his cramped limbs, Mr. 
 Butler, myself, and the other servants dis- 
 charged in file-firing style, a succession of 
 
ANTIPATHY. 35 
 
 questions as to how he got into such a quan- 
 dary. But Jasper, without returning any 
 answer stalked deUberately from the catacombs, 
 nor stopped till he had gained the entrance 
 hall. Here he sat himself down on one of the 
 carved and emblazoned oaken benches, and 
 crossing one leg very gingerly over the other, 
 thus addressed my astonished uncle, and his 
 followers : 
 
 " Mr. Butler," said he, " although the frost 
 of age has settled on these locks, never to 
 dissolve, I beheve that I shall find this world 
 not so desolate but that some resting place may 
 be found for the weak and weary." 
 
 The strain and diction of this speech was so 
 uncommon as to give me surprise, which was 
 not diminished by the sequel. 
 
 " For nearly fifty years, Mr. Butler," re- 
 sumed he, "have I eaten the bread of this 
 family, and given, I believe, satisfaction, by my 
 honesty, if not by my ability ; I have been 
 happy, Mr. Butler, and treated more kindly by 
 you and your worthy father than I deserved ; 
 but the last five years of my life have been 
 downright misery; and there is the cause. 
 
36 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 (pointing to me) your nephew, Sir, has been 
 my unceasing persecutor and tormenter. And 
 hard is it that the few last days of a life of 
 gratitude to this house should hnger away in 
 wantonly inflicted misery. Old as I am, I 
 will leave you, Mr. Butler, I will seek some 
 refuge from this cruelty.'' 
 
 " Say no more, Jasper Harrison," replied my 
 uncle, scowling like a boatswain busy at the 
 gangway, " you shall never leave the Hall 
 as long as it is under my power. You shall 
 have justice done you, Jasper ; and you. Sir," 
 turning to me, " might have had sufficient 
 obedience and sense to respect my last 
 warning!" 
 
 So saying, and without waiting a word of 
 explanation on my part, he flung himself out of 
 the hall with an enraged rapidity I never saw 
 him before assume. I stood rooted to the spot 
 gazing for a moment, in stupid wonder, after 
 my uncle ; and my first determination was to 
 kick Harrison soundly for incensing him thus 
 grievously and unjustly against me. Checking 
 this, I repaired to my room, and from rage, and 
 vexation of heart, indulged in a few bitter 
 
ANTIPATHY. 37 
 
 tears alike dishonourable to my intellect and 
 magnanimity. 
 
 After this foolish blubbering fit of imbe- 
 cility, I fortified myself wdth the reflection that 
 Mr. Butler when cool, would be reconciled by 
 my solemn declaration of perfect innocence of 
 locking up the butler, and after giving orders 
 concerning my little horse and the side saddle, 
 I mounted a great vicious beast of my uncle's, 
 and galloped off for the Grange. 
 
^r, ANTIPATHY. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 " Though puss was warned to fear her fate. 
 
 In lines (bj^ old prophetic cat. 
 
 Writ before her transformation. 
 
 When she was in th^e witch's station ;) 
 
 Foretelling thus : — 'When beasts are grown 
 
 To certain heights before unknown 
 
 Of human race, some shall aloud 
 
 Inflame and arm a dreadful crowd, 
 
 W^ho in vast numbers shall advance. 
 
 And to new tunes shall make them dance.' " 
 
 King. 
 
 Agnes and Alfred were in the drawing-room 
 amusing themselves at shuttlecock, spite the 
 risk attending thereon, a mirror, a chandelier, 
 and several piles of monster-abounding china. 
 
 Although encumbered with a voluminous 
 ridinghood, Miss Landon, from her laughter 
 
ANTIPATHY. 39 
 
 and exercise blushes, was evidently triumphant 
 and enjoying heartily the pastime. Near her, 
 occupying the exact centre of an ottoman, sat 
 Miss Rebecca, deprecating under her breath, 
 in brief ejaculations, a sport which oft times 
 threatened to peel her nose, or incommode the 
 repose of her surrounding pets. She was oc- 
 cupied with a piece of embroidery, and divert- 
 ed herself by watching at times the unpleasing 
 game, or talking and fondling the large white 
 cockatoo, who sat on the back of her high 
 chair, repeating at times his monotonous noise, 
 and with one foot in the air clutching a piece 
 of pippin, the rind of which he continually 
 discharged on the head dress of his unconsci- 
 ous admirer. A large and splendid canary cage, 
 with its chickweed, knobs of sugar, sanded 
 board, and cotton nests occupied a small work- 
 table before her ; whilst at her feet, on a small 
 worsted rug, lay with nose inserted betwixt his 
 fore paws, that piece of obesity on whom had 
 been bestowed one word from the Lexicon of 
 immortality, the consequential Petrarch. 
 
 Terror for the feet of the battledore bran- 
 dishers, had cleared the room of Laura and 
 
40 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 her brood, as also of the guinea pigs ; there 
 were, however, two other creatures permitted 
 to remain in the midst of all this sportive peril 
 which I have not yet mentioned. These were 
 two large sleek cats, the one a real ermine 
 white and long haired Persian called Aladdin, 
 the other a beautiful specimen of the tortoise- 
 shell, which answered to the name of Ariadne. 
 The Persian, who was a genuine fire worship- 
 per in right of rank and rarity, dozed on the 
 ottoman J whilst the more unpretending tor- 
 toise-shell lay on a sunny spot of the carpet, at 
 some distance from her mistress, luxuriating in 
 laziness. I find a difficulty in describing the 
 state o^mind with which I threw myself into a 
 chair after answering some trivial questions, 
 and before I had made any of these minute 
 observations on the disposition of the party. 
 How corrupt must the heart at times be with- 
 out any powerful inducement, since the con- 
 templation of wtuous happiness is oft its 
 greatest torment ! Is it not this same prin- 
 ciple which makes us feel secret satisfaction at 
 the slight distress of others, and hail with 
 gladness a fellowship in affliction ? The soli- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 41 
 
 tary in sorrow, is assuredly supremely miser- 
 able. 
 
 What a vast difference was there between 
 my feelings during that fine morning walk, and 
 those which crowded upon me as I sat silent 
 and ill-tempered in the drawing-room. My 
 disposition had been so perfectly soured by 
 what had lately happened, as to make it acutely 
 susceptible of every thing annoying; — and every 
 thing cheerful was annoying. Hilarity was no 
 oil to the turmoil of my ruffled feelings, but as 
 heat to the fever-furious pulse. The loud un- 
 repressed mirth, and laughing eyes of Agnes, 
 reciprocating the joy of her companion, in- 
 spired me with a sullen mortification, which 
 being untinctured with jealousy (as I had not 
 fallen in love) was truly mean and odious. 
 This groundless and indefensible moroseness 
 I had undoubtedly soon got the better of, had 
 not my eyes that instant lighted on the two 
 above-mentioned recumbent feline favourites. 
 
 It was not the hundreth time I had seen 
 this common creature, but although I ever 
 viewed the species with a strange shuddering of 
 disgust and detestation, this was the first time 
 
42 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 I ever underwent the powerful emotions I now 
 invariably experience on so doing, especially if 
 very near me. I felt as if all heat and motion 
 had left my limbs ; my lungs breathed heavily 
 as if suffering from fog or asthma, whilst my 
 eyes goggled with ferocious expansion, and a 
 dew settled on my brow. Even at this crisis, 
 I was conscious of the phrenzy, the delusion 
 (if I may so call itj under which I laboured ; 
 but I felt borne away with a resistless impulse. 
 In short, with infuriated looks, foaming lips 
 and hands convulsively clutched, I made a 
 rush at the hapless unsuspecting Ariadne, and 
 stamped upon her ribs with all the ferocity of 
 a murderer. The little breath unsqueezed 
 from her extended carcass was instantly ex- 
 pended in such a piercing cry as caused an 
 universal panic in the room. 
 
 Alladin, who had witnessed this barbarous 
 attack upon his mate, rushed franticly from 
 the ottoman with erected tail ; and the cock- 
 atoo at the same time setting up loud squalls, 
 raised his top knot, ruffled his whiskers, and 
 whirled his head about in all directions like a 
 mad dervish. He moreover, ever and anon. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 43 
 
 distended and gnashed his big black beak, 
 from which at intervals a serpent-hiss proceed- 
 ed as much from astonishment as animosit}^ 
 Whilst these antics were being performed, the 
 bird lost his balance and descending on Miss 
 Rebecca's head-dress, with beak and claw de- 
 ranged it most effectually, besides lacerating 
 her cheek. 
 
 After uttering a noise piercing as Ariadne^s, 
 Miss Witherspoon fell backwards in a faint, 
 whilst Agnes who had beheld the whole incom- 
 prehensible assault, was too astounded to say 
 anything, but ran to her aunt's aid ; and as 
 females are wont to do w^hen puzzled, began 
 instantly to weep and wring her hands. 
 
 " You shall account for this wanton cruelty !" 
 exclaimed Alfred, his eyes flashing indignation. 
 "I never would have beheved that a relation 
 could have suff'ered so barbarous an insult 
 beneath this roof from Francis Butler." 
 
 I had been looking wildly around for the 
 lucky Alladin, and now overcome with this 
 hitherto unknown excitement, I fell on the 
 floor, so weak and decidedly pale, that I won- 
 der that I had not been a companion to Miss 
 
44 
 
 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Rebecca in her temporary asphyxia. A short 
 trance must have succeeded this, for on hearing 
 myself addressed by Alfred, I found the room 
 occupied but by ourselves. With less asperity 
 he enquired what had induced me to perpetrate 
 so cruel, ungallant, and incomprehensible an act. 
 
 **^ My dear Alfred, '* said I, " you will 
 believe me when I declare upon my honour, 
 I could not suppress the action ; it must have 
 been madness which possessed me. The 
 moment I saw those horrid creatures, I felt 
 an irresistible murderous propensity. Go and 
 express to Agnes and her aunt my poignant 
 sorrow ; make any apology, however abject, it 
 will be sincere on my part. And now, let me 
 hasten home, for were 1 to meet these demons, 
 I might again be guilty of some other extra- 
 vagance.'^ We then parted, Alfred shaking 
 mournfully his head, conceiving that I was 
 quite deranged. 
 
 On my arrival at the Hall, John told me 
 with ominous gravity, that my uncle wished to 
 see me in his study. I never augured good 
 from a summons to this same study, for it was 
 my uncle's lecture room, and whenever called 
 
ANTIPATHY. 45 
 
 there, more particularly after any little faux 
 pas. I was well steeled for the result. 
 
 I found by Mr. Butler's face^ which was 
 clouded and sullen, that I was not mistaken in 
 my surmise, and every thing was prepared for 
 reproof. He had even pulled his chair from 
 its usual parallel. 
 
 " Sit down," said he laconically, and then 
 crossing one knee over the other, like Jasper 
 Harrison, which he never did unless about to 
 expound something of importance, he spoke as 
 follows : 
 
 "Young man," (this sounded colder than 
 icicles from my indulgent relative) — "I find 
 you are losing yourself here ; my counsel and 
 control is altogether inadequate to keep in 
 check your follies, or induce you to regulate 
 either your habits or pursuits. I have resolved 
 therefore, Francis, for several reasons, and not 
 the least influential for the sake of your educa- 
 tion, to board you with a distant relation ; 
 Mr. Tomkins the parson of Red-house ; and I 
 this day, wrote to tell him he might expect 
 you by the end of next week." 
 
 Had he said I was to be sent to the hulks. 
 
46 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 it would not have more astounded me ; I felt 
 heart-stricken; and it was then that I first 
 duly appreciated the blessedness of home. 
 Though pride and rage first assailed me, sorrow 
 gradually softened down all such insurgents, 
 and as I sat motionless and dumb, the tears 
 rolled plentifully from my eyes, despite of 
 every exertion. At last finding my sobs were 
 no longer to be repressed, I threw myself on 
 my knees, and clasping his, begged to know 
 what I had done to incur such severe displea- 
 sure; but, without waiting for any answer, I 
 then entered into lengthened protestations of 
 my innocence regarding Jasper's incarceration, 
 and ended with many rhapsodical petitions for 
 forgiveness, and a renouncement of his inten- 
 tions. 
 
 Albeit, the worthy old gentleman seemed 
 touched at this appeal, he was inexorable ; he 
 only soothed partially the odiousness of his 
 fiat by sundry inuendos, such as, " it would 
 only be for a moderate time — I would be the 
 better for being absent from home for some 
 time; — I should have every previous indul- 
 gence, but that more time must be devoted to 
 
ANTIPATHY, 4J 
 
 my studies ; indeed it was absolutely necessary, 
 being so backward in my education for my time 
 of life, that I should be placed under charge of 
 some clever pedagogue/' To cut short this 
 tedious period about time, (a great word of Mr. 
 Butler's), the short and long of the matter is, 
 that my uncle had formed a plan, and Aristotle 
 himself could never have argued him out of it. 
 Forming any scheme, was with my uncle like 
 building a wall, no flimsy matter to be shaken 
 by every breath blown against its bosom. 
 
48 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 " Had I a steward 
 
 So true, so just and now so comfortable ? 
 
 It almost turns my dangerous nature wild." — 
 
 Timon. 
 
 A FORTNIGHT after the preceding interview, 
 the great family coach, which had not been put 
 in requisition for many years, was dragged out 
 of its dusty obscurity, and well filled with 
 various parcels, portmanteaus and myself; John 
 acted as driver, and two days' journey brought 
 me with a letter in my pocket, like a hamper 
 to the Reverend Thomas Tomkins. 
 
 This right reverend divine had no pupils, no 
 boarders, and no family ; but being a bachelor, 
 
ANTIPATHY. 49 
 
 household interests were wholly comptroUed by 
 his sister^ Miss Grisselda, who had acquired that 
 climacteric, which entitled her to talk despis- 
 ingly, and in vinegar terms of all mankind. 
 She was a different species of spinster altoge- 
 ther from Miss Rebecca, having in her bloom 
 refused a curate, and a farmer, and most 
 imprudently lost a great mustachioed Irish 
 heutenant, by foolishly acquainting him, that 
 she had very httle fortune. 
 
 This was her last throw on the matrimonial 
 tables, and not being able to enter, she was 
 now fairly gammoned and back-gammoned. 
 Her reverend brother was a very sober, fat, 
 shovel-hatted man, who loved dining, smoking, 
 and reading much better than preaching. And 
 for this reason, he kept a sixty-pound hack, 
 who buried, christened, and preached for him, 
 from one end of the year to the other, except- 
 ing on very solemn occasions, such as Christ- 
 mas and Michaelmas, when such good-eating 
 anniversaries appeared to inspire the parson 
 with corresponding bursts of piety. ITiough 
 liable by his parishioners to the charge of 
 indolence, he was far from being one of those 
 
 VOL. I. D 
 
50 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 idle, fox-hunting, boozing cliurchmen who are 
 to be found in many parts of merry England, 
 and disgrace the cloth. 
 
 Dr. Tomkins was a studious man, and ex- 
 tremely well-informed; he had, moreover, a 
 pleasant unassuming way of conveying to 
 others what he knew, which entirely took away 
 all that savours of pedantry. On the whole, 
 therefore, I found the parsonage a much plea- 
 santer place than I expected ; for Miss Grissell 
 was fond and attentive, and her brother indul- 
 gent, though inexorable in exacting daily cer- 
 tain hours of study. My separation from 
 Alfred was moreover soothed by constant cor- 
 respondence, and in his first letter he explained 
 the mystery of Jasper's imprisonment. I need 
 hardly say, that he himself had locked up 
 Harrison, and was afterwards so taken up with 
 Agnes, as to forget all about him. 
 
 On hearing the particulars of the affair from 
 John (for I spoke nothing on the matter), he 
 wrote to my uncle confessing the fact, and sent 
 the butler a handsome present, which he, how- 
 ever, would not receive. Alfred, after this 
 information, appended a postscript, in which. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 51 
 
 after a lengthened panegyric on the silly 
 passion_, he finished by saying, that Agnes 
 and he were affianced. So young in love, 
 and so resolute ! I had it, however, soon in 
 my power to append postscripts of a similar 
 nature, and our letters were thenceforth ever 
 full of '' stories written in love's choicest book." 
 How this came about on my side, must 
 now be explained. After finishing my appor- 
 tioned tasks, a walk, a gallop, or a few hours' 
 shooting, were always at my command from 
 the indulgence of my uncle and Mr. Tomkins. 
 It was as fine an October evening as ever 
 parting sun beheld, that I mounted my cob 
 for a little exercise. The air was amber clear, 
 and the sun was receding in a magnificent vista 
 of gold and purple clouds, brightly beautiful ; 
 whilst not a leaf had as yet fallen from the 
 surrounding trees, which, like rich pieces of 
 enamel, appeared, from their variety of tints, 
 to imitate the heavenly drapery around them. 
 At the same time a number of noisy rooks 
 were circhng, at an immense height, round a 
 high wood studded with nests, into which, one 
 after another, they successively descended, and 
 
 D 2 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF lUlWOia 
 
52 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 where many of them had been but lately 
 reared. This was near the parsonage itself, 
 a pretty sheltered place decorated with aged 
 evergreens and clipped yew hedges. 
 
 A two mile canter across an open barren 
 moor brought me to a small secluded lane, of 
 which I was very fond. It was so narrow as 
 to have the appearance of never having been 
 intended for any thing but a foot-path, and 
 the short grass with which it was carpeted 
 bore little or no disfiguration from hoofs or 
 wheels. It was bounded on both sides by 
 pretty high mossy banks, studded with violets, 
 primroses, and foxgloves, from which rose a 
 thicket of hazels interspersed with eglantine 
 and fantastically wreathed brambles. In short, 
 it was a lovely specimen of a genuine English 
 lane — a species of thoroughfare stamped with 
 pecuharities not often met with in other 
 countries. This unfrequented little road, after 
 extending for nearly a mile through fields, 
 bended round a little summit topped with 
 copse, the bare abrupt banks of which being 
 composed of a bright yeUow sand, contrasted 
 most picturesquely, under such circumscribed 
 
ANTIPATHY. 53 
 
 circumstances, with the abundance of sur- 
 rounding fohage. A very aged oak, moreover, 
 chanced to have rooted itself within a few 
 yards of this spot, and added a solemnity to 
 the scene — centuries having left only its hollow 
 trunk, and one or two massive contorted 
 branches draperied with misletoe, which still — 
 like thoughts of those we love — cling to the 
 perishing, almost perished heart. I was too 
 young to be misanthropical — too fond of 
 amusement and folly to be so — too thoughtless 
 to be sagely meditative — yet felt I myself 
 often unawares drawn to this spot — and when 
 there, I have felt myself as instinctively to 
 draw bridle, and give way to musings of a 
 graver complexion than usually troubled me. 
 How much is man the unconscious puppet of 
 inanimate things I How do stocks, stones, 
 and the eternal hills, with their still eloquence, 
 control his actions and direct the currents of 
 his mind ! By what trifles are our best inten- 
 tions and mightiest perfections excited ! The 
 paltry apple, which lost a Paradise, was the 
 means of disclosing laws by which sytems are 
 upheld. 
 
54 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 As was my custom, on reaching the foot of 
 the fore-mentioned summit, I checked my 
 horse, and lingered awhile to gaze on the sur- 
 rounding little theatre of entangled brake and 
 briar. If ever there was a spot fashioned for 
 fairy frolic, it was this ; for a space of not less 
 than fifty yards the most smooth and ver- 
 dant turf formed almost a complete circle, 
 from which at irregular distances diverged two 
 narrow umbrageous lanes like antres dark and 
 deep. The conceit struck me, and my fancy 
 was revelling with these merry moonlight mor- 
 rismen, when I was alarmed by cries of murder 
 distinctly reiterated. I intend not to gas- 
 conade in asserting, that I seldom in my life 
 knew personal fear, nor is it a quality in some 
 of its modifications which one can have any 
 more right to boast of than rashness or folly. 
 
 One kind of courage (such as I consider 
 mine to have been) consists simply in not 
 reasoning on the probabilities of danger, but 
 acting in the moment of impulse without reflect- 
 ing upon the propriety or risk of doing so ; and 
 as years have multiplied upon me, my impulses 
 havebecome gradually less frequent, my reflection 
 
ANTIPATHY. 55 
 
 cooler, and I more a coward. However, clap- 
 ping spurs to Sorrel, who was a beast of credit- 
 able speed, I scoured along the lane at a hard 
 gallop, my head bent down to the mane, to 
 evade boughs and brambles which projected 
 incessantly from either side. Female screams 
 now succeeded, and I urged my beast at such 
 a pace, that taking a corner too suddenly, he 
 nearly went through the opposite hedge, 
 scratching me most dreadfully amongst the 
 thorns. In a couple of minutes I came up 
 with a party composed of two young ladies 
 and two men, who were rolling in the dust 
 grasping each other savagely by the throat, 
 whilst the terrified females were shrieking 
 wildly for assistance. 
 
 "Oh, Sir, save my father !" was the only 
 exclamation I distinctly remember hearing, as 
 throwing myself from my horse, I quickly 
 singled out the least reputable looking com- 
 batant, and with great difficulty loosened the 
 gripe which he kept of an elderly and respect- 
 able looking man. As soon as the latter 
 had regained his legs and breath, he drew 
 himself up into what he intended as a dignified 
 
56 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 attitude, and in a drawling pompous voice — 
 which contrasted ridiculously with his disor- 
 dered and bemired appearance, said : 
 
 '' Sir I have to — a — thank you most grate- 
 fully for — a— your timely interference ;" here 
 his wind was dreadfully at fault for some 
 seconds. " You have saved me. Sir, from 
 perishing by my own cravat, and the — a — 
 homy hands of that unequalled scoundrel — 
 once my steward, Sir. Irishmen are, I beheve, 
 all born cheats or murderers, though in that 
 brawny vagabond you see— a — two such single 
 gentlemen rolled into one.'^ 
 
 " By the Holy Father, then and you lie, and 
 that's plain," responded the other, whilst his 
 large unintellectual features were swollen and 
 flushed with the most revolting brutality, pro- 
 ceeding as much from natural villany as in- 
 toxication. " You turned me away without 
 raison or character ; and after all, would insult 
 me, as if I was not every bit as good a gentle- 
 man born as yourself." 
 
 " Good Sir," said the other, addressing me, 
 who still held the ruffian by the collar, " I have 
 to request that you wiU not subject yourself to 
 
ANTIPATHY. 57 
 
 any violence or personal inconvenience from 
 that scoundrel, on my account. Your evidence. 
 Sir, as to this assault, is quite sufficient for all 
 purposes, and I have been a magistrate to little 
 purpose for the last thirty years, if I cannot 
 engage to have him laid by the legs before 
 twenty-four hours. 
 
 I accordingly let go the steward, who walked 
 away in a very bold swaggering manner, utter- 
 ing many oaths and boastings to which no one 
 attended. 
 
 Squire Mansfield, for such was his name, 
 had now enough to do in assuring the young 
 ladies that he was altogether uninjured, and 
 when they were satisfied as to this, their sweet 
 tongues were voluble in expressing towards me 
 thanks which I very little deserved. 
 
 " My daughters, Sir," said Mr. Mansfield, 
 " who you see are much more expert in making 
 fine speeches than myself: but you must ac- 
 company me home, and I shall perhaps prove 
 more eloquent after my mouth has been as well 
 filled with my best port as it has been just now 
 with this intolerable sand." 
 
 This invitation which I fancied was seconded 
 
 D 5 
 
58 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 by the expressive looks of the ladies, I could 
 not refuse, and I accompanied the party, list- 
 ening to a long circumstantial account of the 
 reasons of this attack, and which having nothing 
 interesting I shall not transcribe. It is more- 
 over but the truth to confess that I paid small 
 attention to the narration, for strange as it may 
 appear, electrically quick as it may appear, I 
 had forthwith fallen in love— slap dash in love. 
 Two more beautiful creatures I never since 
 have seen, nor were their charms perhaps 
 lessened by their late agitation. 
 
 It may be imagined that I devoted to them 
 as much attention as delicacy and the tedious 
 story respecting the steward permitted an utter 
 stranger ; nor was I sorry, when turning into an 
 ancient avenue, we perceived at no great dis- 
 tance a spacious and venerable mansion. 
 
 On gaining this, Mr. Mansfield resigned me 
 altogether into the care of his daughters, 
 whilst he went to issue his warrant with 
 directions for the apprehension of his steward. 
 It was the most ravishing half hour I ever 
 spent, as was the day the sweetest of my life. 
 I cannot, however, afford to waste my pages 
 
ANTIPATHY. 59 
 
 on matters of secondary importance, and pass- 
 ing over how the hours were spent, I must 
 proceed to say something of a family which 
 most unexpectedly influenced my future for- 
 tunes. 
 
 Squire Mansfield inherited a very ample 
 fortune, but had been unlucky enough when 
 a young man to get introduced to a very fop- 
 pish and extravagant circle of society in town, 
 whereby he soon dipped the old family estate, 
 after clearing it of a .large portion of timber 
 which might have been planted about the time 
 of the Norman Conquest. His marriage too, 
 was what the world consider imprudent; for 
 though his wife was in every respect a lovelj'-, 
 accomplished and excellent creature, yet had 
 she httle dower and still less notion of 
 economy. Accordingly, things went rapidly 
 backwards ; servants were reduced, the house 
 in town sold, and at length the very harriers 
 went to the dogs, as did also a good stud of 
 hunters. Nor did things stop here, for in- 
 stead of four sleek bays whisking along the 
 shining barouche, two sturdy cattle of all work 
 who spent six days out of the seven in agricul- 
 
60 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 tural slavery — were trained to trot the family 
 vehicle to church. 
 
 Although matters were in this desponding 
 state, Mansfield being one of the oldest fami- 
 hes in the country, was still highly respected ; 
 and as his children never exceeded two daugh- 
 ters, he gave himself less concern as to laying 
 anything by, provided he could muster where- 
 withal to make a respectable appearance 
 amongst his wealthier neighbours. A few 
 years before my strange introduction, he had 
 become a widower, and whether it was that he 
 had grown sick of life from losing her he loved 
 beyond all price, or that he perceived his 
 affairs were too embarrassed ever to be extri- 
 cated, he for a while sunk into a sort of 
 apathy ^ from which, however, when roused, he 
 would relapse into his old aristocratic self- 
 importance. A discovery of some gross frauds 
 — on the part of that steward — whom he had 
 unceremoniously dismissed, and had been in 
 consequence placed in danger of his life, went 
 far in recalling him to a consideration of his 
 affairs, and he had latterly shewn considerable 
 activity in their investigation. 
 
 V 
 
ANTIPATHY. 61 
 
 Such is a sketch of Mansfield 5 and now let 
 us turn to his daughters of whom he was so 
 doatingly fond, that he had to a certainty suc- 
 ceeded in spoiling them^ but for their natural 
 good sense and tempers. As is frequently the 
 case, they were nevertheless of the most dif- 
 ferent dispositions possible. Eliza, the elder, 
 was grave and reserved, yet affectionate and of 
 high sensibility; her tongue seldom betrayed 
 the intensity of her feelings, and she therefore 
 wore an exterior semblance of apathy, which 
 was very foreign to her heart. Alice, on the 
 other hand, was lively, flippant, and communi- 
 cative. She had indeed as few secrets as 
 cares. Ahce was more witty and diverting; 
 Eliza, the more intellectual and profound. No 
 ordinary eye could scrutinize Eliza's heart : — 
 the most superficial glance detected every thing 
 in that of Ahce. Though both were beautiful, 
 yet did that beauty consist also in very 
 different particulars; for Eliza was of a 
 majestic mien^ with raven black hair and dark 
 piercing eyes ; whilst Alice was shorter, 
 springy, and fawnlike in her deportment, 
 
62 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 with auburn locks and clear hazel eyes — the 
 very vehicles of mirth. 
 
 Such were these fair girls with both of 
 whom I at first fell in love. Yes, I solemnly 
 say both, for in these confessions, however 
 absurd or unaccountable many of my actions 
 may be, or however paradoxical my opinions, 
 I am neivertheless resolved to register " every 
 man jack of them," leaving the belief of their 
 sincerity to those who are lucky enough to 
 peruse them. Although I fell in love with 
 both the Miss Alansfields, it was at first — as in 
 all aquatic accidents— only a general ducking 
 preparatory to the drowning ; and to follow 
 up the metaphor, my doom was not sealed till 
 thus floundering I had grappled with one of 
 the party, and by so doing reahzed what a 
 solitary swimmer might have evaded. The 
 only diff'erence betw^ixt me and the ass in the 
 fable was, that I at length did come to a deter- 
 mination. 
 
 The lively Alice, like a light infantry skir- 
 misher, had matters at first all her own way ; 
 but few hours elapsed before I felt a deeper 
 interest in her more reserved sister. The 
 
ANTIPATHY. 63 
 
 heart of the one (though it was perhaps other- 
 wise) appeared an easy common-place victory 
 needing small tact, and still less effort ; whilst 
 the other required for its capture skill, inde- 
 fatigahle perseverance, and a happy fortune. 
 A silly remark w^ould throw Alice into three- 
 fold the loquaciousness and vivacity that the 
 clever thing I flattered myself on having said, 
 did her more lofty-minded sister. In short, 
 the constitution of their minds was as different 
 as ores which require the widest degrees 
 of temperature for fluxing. I was amused 
 and pleased with the one, but I was awed 
 and captivated by the other. If my heart had 
 not been altogether taken by siege on my first 
 acquaintance with Eliza, it fairly surrendered 
 itself at discretion on the second interview. 
 
 Mr. Mansfield was from home, and I en- 
 joyed unmolested, several hours' dehghtful 
 conversation with my mistress. She seemed 
 much less reserved and more animated than 
 when we first met ; our ideas and feelings on 
 every subject were symphonies, and I fre- 
 quently found myself carried away with an 
 enthusiasm worthy of a Werther, and which I 
 
64 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 never before experienced, whilst I expatiated 
 on her sublime sentiments, or enforced mine 
 own. As 1 did this, I could not fail observing 
 that her dark expressive eyes would at times 
 sparkle with unusual, brilliancy, and her ripe 
 lips quiver, when suppressing suddenly but 
 sadly a train of internal musings she would 
 gradually lose herself in gloomy meditation. 
 
 All this I naturally attributed to the awak- 
 ening of a corresponding affection. 
 
 At the same time I must avow, that even 
 during this short career of love, I was imbued 
 with the faintest feeling of jealousy ; and what 
 lover was ever otherwise, however groundless 
 the occasion ? I had heard frequent allusions 
 to a certain Mr. Curry, and considerable sur- 
 prise expressed by all the family, except Eliza 
 herself, that he did not make his appearance 
 at tea as he had promised during the first 
 evening of our acquaintance. The next day 
 I called and enjoyed an agreeable t^te-a-tete 
 with Miss Mansfield. I learnt from her lively 
 sister that Mr. Curry had been there the whole 
 of that forenoon, and had just left before my 
 arrival. What sort of a person he might be. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 65 
 
 and what were his intentions, was, as may be 
 supposed ray anxious desire to learn; and as he 
 had expressed an intention of spending the even- 
 ing with the family, I protracted my visit much 
 longer than Dr. Tomkins' injunctions autho- 
 rised me, for the purpose of satisfying my 
 curiosity. He did not make his appearance, 
 and having a long ride, I reluctantly took my 
 leave, and left the house just as a carriage had 
 deposited at the entrance, a pursy elderly 
 looking man, with a face as yellow as one of 
 the everlasting flowers in Pere-la- Chaise, and 
 who was warmly greeted by Mr. Mansfield, as 
 his "dear friend, Mr. Curry." 
 
 The relief afforded a patient in his first 
 attack of quinsy by copious depletion, was 
 never greater than what I experienced on seeing 
 this adipose jaundiced old man, whom my 
 touchy imagination had for some time con- 
 jured up as a dangerous and advantageously 
 startled rival; and I cantered off for the 
 parsonage, in the most cheerful self-satisfied 
 mood to re-enjoy in slumber the pleasures of a 
 well spent day. 
 
 I know not whether the thoughts of each 
 
66 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 youHg gallant who peruses these memoirs, may 
 be of the same nature as those which were wont 
 to haunt me ere sleep had sealed my eyes, 
 though I do believe so ; but the sweetest hours 
 of solitude spent by me, have glided away like 
 melody on the zephyr's wings, during the calm- 
 ness of stilly dispassionate nighty in reflections 
 and imaginings on her I loved. Each senti- 
 ment, each word expressed by my mistress 
 during the day, has been then fervently recalled; 
 each trivial kindness or endearment appreciated 
 with exaggeration ; each indistinct hope hal- 
 lowed into certainty ; each prudish petulance 
 apoligized for and forgotten, 
 
 I have at such times felt a serenity words 
 cannot embody, enveloping my spirit, as does 
 a gauze-like mist the blue bosom of some 
 pulseless lake ; a sublime contemplation of 
 combined loveliness, and virtue stealing over 
 and softening my heart. I have felt as if the 
 iron sternness and ambition of manhood had 
 been weeded from that heart 5 and I could have 
 wept the tears of childhood. Yet, wherefore could 
 I not tell, for a mysterious joyousness pervaded 
 me, till gradually gliding from earth and self. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 67 
 
 to Eliza and heaven, I have reflected solely on 
 my God, and lisped a prayer. All this however, 
 was soon destined to have an end. 
 
 The very next time I called, I perceived 
 there was an uncommon bustle and alacrity in 
 the establishment ; and the animated eyes of 
 the servants and family, with the exception of 
 Eliza, whom I did not see, told that something 
 out of the usual household routine of matters 
 was in progress or expectation. Mansfield 
 himself seemed to vacillate between the gravity 
 and giddiness of his daughters, and was altoge- 
 ther changed in his manner. The secret of all 
 this was soon out. ^' Mr. Butler, said he, with 
 more than common urbanity. " I am exceed- 
 ingly delighted to see you ; you perceive we 
 are in a little confusion to-day, though I hope 
 you found a groom to take your horse. I am 
 glad to hear it ; but the fact is, my daughter's 
 marriage, of which you have perhaps heard, has 
 been hastened from my dear friend Curry's re- 
 ceivingan unexpected summons to Calcutta. Im- 
 portant business, ^Ir. Butler must be attended 
 to; and Eliza^s marriage is fixed for Friday next.'* 
 
68 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 What answer I made to this confidential com- 
 munication I do not remember, although my lips 
 did make some attempt at articulation as heart- 
 blighted I sunk into a huge easy chair, which 
 proved a deep and opportune recess for par- 
 tially concealing the ghastly expression of my 
 features. 
 
 " You are fatigued with your ride Mr. But- 
 ler. Alice, fetch the wine.'^ 
 
 I do not remember making any answer. 
 
 " You will give us the pleasure of your 
 company at the ceremony ? I assure you there 
 will be two good looking brides' maids — Miss 
 Harris and Miss Agnew, besides AHce there, 
 who is passable." 
 
 The fair girl blushed and laughed, whilst I 
 stammered out, " Friday ; I fear. Sir, I am en- 
 gaged; positively engaged." 
 
 " Well, you must endeavour to get oflf. Come 
 child, pour out the wine, and hand it to Mr. 
 Butler, who looks as jaded and pale as if he 
 had been dancing all night, and never since 
 been in bed." 
 
 My insupportable writhings — during this brief 
 
ANTIPATHY. 69 
 
 conversation — were fortunately mitigated by- 
 Mansfield's apologizing for leaving me, which 
 he did for the purpose of waiting on the sur- 
 rogate of the district, for the purpose of 
 obtaining a marriage licence. 
 
 "Are you better, Mr. Butler?" demanded 
 Alice, with a soft solicitude of voice, which did 
 not, however, check a roguish simper of her 
 exquisitely modelled lips. 
 
 " Oh ! I feel much better ; the wine has done 
 me good service. But what has become of 
 your sister?" 
 
 *' I can't tell, though I know what will 
 become of her when she is linked to that old 
 yellow animal, whom Surgeon Solus calls a 
 ' Qui hi.' It will just be as the surgeon says — 
 Curry and rice, will I think have little chance 
 of mistaking one for the other.'' 
 
 " Is Mr. Curry then," asked I abstractedly, 
 " here at present?" 
 
 " Oh no ! his amorous visits are like his legs 
 short and far between. He roUed off yesterday 
 for town in his well-stuiFed yellow chariot — 
 (all about him is yellow) to purchase dresses 
 and nicknacks for his intended. He has al- 
 
70 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 ready presented her with some splendid bril- 
 liants which he brought from India ; but if you 
 would hke to see them " 
 
 '' I should prefer seeing Miss Mansfield her- 
 self, if she is not very much engaged." 
 
 ^' Well, I don't know that she is, and I will 
 tell her so," said Alice, * skipping out of the 
 room : " though if my marriage day was so near 
 as her's, I think I could find something else to 
 attend to, than gossiping so long as you do 
 when you get together/' 
 
 It w^as not long before Miss Mansfield en- 
 tered, and there was a bashful confusion in her 
 countenance, which immediately caught my 
 obser^^ation. 
 
 " Mr. Butler,'^ said she, " I was not aware 
 till this moment of your being here, else I 
 had long ago left my apartment." 
 
 *' No apologies," replied I, ^' are necessary ; 
 and I hope I have not intruded in acquainting 
 you of my presence, for I am aware you must 
 be much occupied, from your father just now in- 
 forming me of the — the happy occasion which 
 requires preparation and your time.^' 
 
 Eliza cast down her eyes without answering, 
 
ANTIPATHY. 71 
 
 whilst a blush mantled her cheeks, nor was my 
 confusion less conspicuous, as I proceeded 
 with what I believe was a faltering voice. 
 
 " I took the liberty, Miss Mansfield, of break- 
 ing on your industry for the honest reason of 
 personally declaring the sincere wishes I feci 
 for your future happiness. It may be the last 
 opportunity I shall ever have of doing so, and 
 beheve me, I should have enjoyed little self- 
 satisfaction, I may say httle peace of mind, had 
 I failed to take such an advantage of expressing 
 my poor but fervent feelings for your welfare." 
 
 " I am obliged and grateful, Sir, for the 
 interest you feel for one so little known to you; 
 nor am I otherwise than sanguine of being 
 happy in my approaching change of state, since 
 the path I am about to follow is marked out 
 alike by principle and a parent's injunction." 
 
 It was evident Eliza intended to have said 
 more ; but as usual when she feared that she 
 was venturing too far on any subject in which 
 her feehngs were concerned, she abruptly 
 checked herself. 
 
 '^ Oh !" replied I, with a tender agitation I 
 could not repress, " are you as certain, Miss 
 
72 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Mansfield, that you are now happy, as that the 
 all-important step you are about to take will 
 render you more so ? Be not offended with so 
 unpardonable a freedom of address, for my 
 feelings are not false, and therefore not to be 
 controlled ; can you. Miss Mansfield, enable me 
 to feel a portion of your pleasure by assuring 
 me that you are now happy — now, when you 
 are on the eve of giving yourself away to 
 one utterly unworthy of such perfection ?" 
 
 The young lady rose abruptly from her seat, 
 drew herself up with her full natural majesty 
 of mien and quickly interrupted me : 
 
 " What is the object. Sir, of such strange 
 conversation ? Were you not entitled Mr. 
 Butler, from your birth and former generous 
 behaviour to the character of a gentleman, I 
 should be induced to regard you in a very dif- 
 ferent light from your boldness in addressing 
 me in such a manner. Let me tell you, that as 
 you know nothing of the individual I have 
 chosen for my husband, you ought in justice — if 
 not from civility — to say nothing respecting 
 him, much less to disparage thus foully his 
 reputation. I must leave you, Sir." 
 
ANTIPATHY. 73 
 
 My reply to this well-merited reprimand was 
 more wild than effectual ; it was the first severe 
 lash I had received from the hps of my god- 
 dess ^ and if not rendered dumb, my fitness for 
 expiation was taken away. I threw myself on 
 my knees, and seizing her mantle I exclaimed — 
 
 " Not in anger ! do with me what you please, 
 but discard me not in anger. It is in vain 
 longer to disguise the situation of an honest 
 heart. By such a confession no solace to me 
 can now accrue ; it is to relax your just indig- 
 nation, not to court an unavailing compassion 
 that I pronounce myself — from the first mo- 
 ment of seeing you — to have been your slave. 
 Dismiss me not, then, adorable creature, as 
 a hopeless outcast ; say that you parted for ever 
 from the hapless Butler not in enmity, but as 
 a friend; — the pleasureless world through which 
 he then must wind his way will still possess one 
 solitary flower !" 
 
 " Unfortunate boy," muttered Eliza in a 
 subdued aifectionate tone, as she half hesitat- 
 ingly ofiered her hand. 
 
 I grasped the inestimable prize, and devoured 
 it with kisses so long as it was in my power; 
 
 VOL. I. E 
 
74 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 it was, however, suddenly withdrawn, and Miss 
 Mansfield quitted the room as well as I could 
 distinguish, through my brimming eyes, deeply 
 affected at the scene. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 'J5 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 " Ah ! where shall constancy meet a reward ? 
 Where shall that poor abandoned virtue fly ? 
 For here 'tis persecuted to undoing/' 
 
 A naughty Poet, 
 
 I RETURNED home with the seeds of future 
 misanthropy and unhappiness sown in my 
 nature, with a certainty of fructifying ; it was 
 indeed a sorry commencement of young life, 
 for I was but eighteen — an age when the pHant 
 mind — hke molten lava — receives impressions 
 which can never be effaced ; or if they are, "'tis 
 by the attrition of imperceptible atoms until 
 the whole fabric has crumbled into decay. I 
 never again saw Mansfield Hall for many years, 
 
 E 2 
 
76 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 but on Friday — that fatal Friday — and truly 
 accursed of all days — I had betimes wandered 
 towards that lonely country church, in which 
 all my hopes were to be entombed. Memory 
 will indeed be dim when it forgets one jot or 
 tittle of that day. 
 
 It may be asked, " What business had I 
 there ?^' and I can only answer, " About the 
 same as one has at the funeral or execution of 
 a stranger.*' I was drawn irresistibly to the 
 spot, and some hours before that fixed upon 
 for the ceremony. Had it been the entomb- 
 ment of a vestal, it could not have been a more 
 horrible one in my eyes. 
 
 That Friday was a gloomy sullen day; it 
 seemed afflicted with a rheum; for the dense 
 mists of night had not been absorbed, but con- 
 densed into such a quantity of moisture that 
 the trees stood dripping as if after rain ; and 
 from the broad jagged eaves of the old grey 
 church, it distilled in slow tear-like drops. 
 There was fittingly nothing glad or cheering 
 in nature : there was not a breath of air stir- 
 ring, nor even one solitary robin engaged in 
 song ; and the variegated leaves fell in regular 
 
ANTIPATHY. 77 
 
 unplayM gyrations from the moist arms of 
 those lofty elms which encircled the dewy 
 enclosures of the dead. A full length grave 
 was moreover almost completed within ten 
 yards of the church-door, an old unseen sexton 
 throwing up, like a mole, at measured intervals, 
 the fat shmy soil without his lazy spade being 
 once visible during the operation. 
 
 I had ensconced myself beneath a rude 
 porch over a gateway intended for protecting 
 a coffin and its bearers from bad weather, and 
 was for sometime the only animated being 
 there, excepting the afore-mentioned grave- 
 digger ; but at length the bells began to peal, 
 the ringers having sneaked in unperceived by 
 me through some by portal ; and as they rung 
 they creaked and clashed with a duller discord- 
 ancy than I had ever heard. An hour after- 
 wards and all was bustle, confusion, and 
 expectation; a crowd of villagers, young and 
 old having gradually assembled round the 
 church, to witness the arrival and departure of 
 the bridal party. 
 
 At length the wished-for pageant arrived; 
 it consisted of four carriages, in the first of 
 
7S ANTIPATHY. 
 
 which sat Mansfield and his daughters, and in 
 the second yellow one was stuck the equally 
 yellow bridegroom, with his second for this 
 amatory rencontre. The others were cram- 
 med with the bridemaids, and other friends or 
 relatives. I watched the gay and giddy party 
 alight and enter the churchyard, which they 
 did by a gate opposite to the one where I was 
 planted ; and as no one perceived or thought 
 of me, my eyes scanned with safety the looks 
 of those individuals in which I was most 
 interested, during the few moments that passed 
 before they hurried into the building. 
 
 Eliza was finely but not extravagantly 
 dressed, and though pale and thoughtful, I had 
 never seen her look more ravishingly beautiful. 
 I know not what emotion of the mind it was 
 which supported me so firmly during the try- 
 ing moments that succeeded 3 it was not 
 curiosity, nor resignation, nor yet the dark 
 balm of despair; but whilst that gay band 
 crossed the rank-hallowed enclosure by its 
 wide walk of flagged tomb-stone's, I scarcely 
 experienced one pang. I saw them enter and 
 disappear in the low vault-looking porch of 
 
ANTIPATHY. 79 
 
 the church, and my eyes were long fixed in a 
 vacant reverie on the mottled oaken door 
 which closed upon them. From this, I was 
 startled by the sudden and hideous crash of 
 the bells which had been hushed during the 
 ceremony — it was over ; — the door was now 
 pushed widely open by an officious beadle, 
 who beat back the assembled crowd of curious 
 children, and the four grey horses of a ready 
 drawn up carriage were mettled by their im- 
 patient post boys. 
 
 " They are coming ; there she is !" cried the 
 crowd. 
 
 This was more than I could face, and turn- 
 ing my back on the approaching party and the 
 crowd, which was too much occupied to ob- 
 serve me, I pulled my hat over my eyes, and 
 stood paralysed to the spot which I had never 
 left. At this moment I heard the trampling 
 of horses' hoofs in the gravel, which even the 
 buzz of the spectators could not drown, and the 
 reflection piercing me, that it was a weakness 
 I would bitterly repent if I took not a last 
 look of Eliza. I regained my former posture 
 just in time to see her hurried into her carriage 
 
80 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 whilst her hateful husband followed with some 
 difficulty. The ready footman then closed the 
 door with an appalling noise^ and e'er he could 
 mount his seat behind^ the well practised 
 postilions had started off so rapidly and in 
 such unison as to spank about the gravel in all 
 directions. My state of mind had rendered 
 me negUgent to the certainty of their passing 
 where I stood ; and to my confusion, before I 
 could possibly have retired, the carriage 
 brushed close by me ; my eyes met the newly- 
 married Eliza's; but I believed and firmly 
 hoped the motion was too rapid to admit of 
 any recognition on her part. 
 
 For many yards I followed the carriage with 
 eager eyes and a gaping idiotism of look which 
 might have verified to any observer that I was 
 then (as I really was) insane. Still, after this 
 maniac vagary, I had sufficient sense left to 
 turn unnoticed into a rough, narrow lane, which 
 led to the house where I had left my horse, 
 and here being unperceived, I gave free indul- 
 gence to those feelings which had nearly 
 suffocated me. I felt relieved, and Satan 
 himself must, for his divertisement, have en- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 81 
 
 dued me with that false fortitude with which 
 I erected my carriage, and exclaimed " It is 
 all over — and I must— I will henceforth forget 
 her ?' 
 
 Alas, how much has that visionary forget- 
 fulness cost me ! 'Tis truly an awkward thing 
 to set about weaning the young heart — for it is 
 a fretful and untractable babe — and so found I 
 by my first futile endeavours to emerge forci- 
 bly from the miseries of this my first, most 
 miserable amour. Each sport or pastime I 
 entered into for that purpose only ended in 
 sickening seriousness ; it was like forcing 
 laughter from the lungs, than which what is 
 a more painful and unnatural hypocrisy ? It 
 may be supposed that these circumstances 
 rendered me a very different person, and that 
 they did not escape the notice of such an acute 
 observer as Dr. Tomkins, who could at once 
 detect the most perfect proportions of intricate 
 circumbendibuses in mathematics, or the 
 slightest slip in prosody : nor yet of his 
 Phorcas-eyed sister, who knew, to the turn of 
 a hair, the odious wishes, motives, circum- 
 stances, and expectations of every denizen in 
 
 E 5 
 
82 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 the parish. He accordingly took especial care 
 to inform my most particular uncle, as a 
 secret of the undubitable and alarming fact, 
 that I had become enamoured of Miss Alice 
 Mansfield ; appending thereto Miss Grisselda's 
 secret comment of my having been abruptly 
 forbidden Mansfield Hall, on that account, by 
 the young lady's father. 
 
 This clever discovery had a very different 
 effect, from the generality of equally well- 
 founded scandal — for it did me a good turn. 
 A month scarcely having elapsed from Eliza's 
 marriage, before a mandate arrived from my 
 uncle, ordering me to prepare for entering 
 myself as an undergraduate at Oxford. My 
 exact and punctihous relative's determinations 
 were generally like Napoleon^ s — executed al- 
 most as soon as formed ; and accordingly, in a 
 few weeks, I was duly deposited in that most 
 classically baptized college of Brazennose. It 
 happened very fortunately for me, that at this 
 time the Mansfields were from home, and I 
 was thus saved the unpleasantness of a fare- 
 well call. A very few days before my depar- 
 ture from the parsonage, I however received 
 
ANTIPATHY. 83 
 
 a letter, the only one, perhaps, which I shall 
 find it necessary to transcribe into these pages ; 
 — it was as follows : 
 
 " My dear Sir, — No ! after what passed 
 when we last met, this is uselessly ceremo- 
 nious, affectedly cold— my dear Butler — it 
 shall be then. Again have I commenced this 
 letter without the difficulty of marshaling my 
 confused thoughts being at all lessened. How 
 many sheets have I blotted and burnt after 
 filling them ! And this, my last attempt, is 
 perhaps destined for the same end. Should I, 
 however, muster resolution enough to deUver 
 this out of my hands, I shall easily imagine 
 the first burst of surprise which it must neces- 
 sarily occasion you ; and that it may be unac- 
 companied by grief, is my heartfelt wish. The 
 sole motive of my writing is to render you 
 happy by convincing you of the impossibility 
 of your either being so, or becoming an orna- 
 ment to society, through the high talents and 
 noble feelings you possess, unless that you 
 resolutely subdue a passion, as vain as the 
 pursuit of a rainbow — and forget, utterly for- 
 get, that you had ever known its innocent and 
 
84 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 unsuspecting cause. Did not conscience tax 
 me with having been guilty of weakness before 
 your eyes, I had never written this ; but as 
 sincerity was the foundation of your frank 
 avowal of love, I shall endeavour to wean you 
 from so hopeless an infatuation by a corres- 
 ponding confidence. Alas ! I am but a poor 
 writer ; how can I express all and exactly what 
 I would ! What am I about to say ? — You 
 must know, then, that my beloved father's 
 affairs have been long deeply involved, so 
 much so, that for many years it has required 
 all his economy and prudence to maintain 
 himself in that circle of acquaintance to which 
 a very old family has been accustomed. Lat- 
 terly, some debts became more pressing, and 
 it was my husband's ability, as well as incli- 
 nation, to remove a portion of those incum- 
 brances for the poor premium of gaining my 
 hand, which rendered a ready obedience to my 
 father's anxious wishes on the subject, an 
 imperative duty on my part. I do not intend 
 to insinuate, that I myself have made the 
 smallest sacrifice. My husband loves, and is 
 desirous to render me happy; but having told 
 
ANTIPATHY. 85 
 
 the stern reasons of my choice, 1 will now 
 confess, that had not these circumstances fixed 
 my destiny, my affections — yes (though I 
 tremble whilst I write the truth), my affections, 
 Butler, were warmed in your behalf. In 
 stifling these, I assume to myself no magnani- 
 mity — I feel that there is, in well-regulated 
 minds, a moral influence more powerful than 
 the most passionate love. I only venture this 
 confession to cheer you forward in that course 
 of honourable forgetfulness, which I shall 
 strive to pursue. — Farewell! Thousands of 
 miles must soon separate us, and we shall 
 never see one another more. Go forth, there- 
 fore, into the busy world ; vindicate your own 
 talents and your own worth; and forget for 
 ever one who will oft remember your welfare 
 in her prayers. — Farewell ! 
 
 " P. S. — My husband has had the patience 
 to peruse these lines, and by his consent I now 
 seal them ." 
 
 " Heaven ! unpitying Heaven !" cried I, in 
 a paroxysm of frenzied fury and sorrow — 
 " Eliza, then, might have been mine — was 
 mine !" Hapless and adorable creature, whose 
 
86 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 very virtues have mortgaged thee, like the mire 
 of thy father's manor. This is, indeed, a re- 
 flection too horrible for any man to endure !" 
 
 Had her husband then been in the room, 
 I believe that my unjustifiable rage and indig- 
 nation would have prompted me to take his 
 life. I regarded him as a low-spirited, unprin- 
 cipled cozener, who had, in a sneaking manner, 
 obtained possession of my whole property; and 
 I was alike influenced by that motive as con- 
 vinced of the justice of pursuing and dealing 
 with him as an execrable villain. To such 
 absurd extremities and the confounding of all 
 good and evil do our unbridled passions 
 hurry us. 
 
 Such was the conclusion of an unfortunate 
 attachment; and I must confess that Eliza's 
 advice, " to go forth into the busy world,''* 
 was the only panacea to my disease. No one 
 can reason himself out of what has become 
 identified with his existence, unless it be out 
 of that existence itself; and yet some casuists 
 have foolishly maintained, that no one can, on 
 calm deliberation, and sane conviction, perpe- 
 trate so heinous and pusillanimous a crime as 
 
ANTIPATHY. 8? 
 
 self-destruction. Since reason^ then, is in 
 such matters but as a worn-out magnet, it 
 must either be laid on the shelf as much as 
 possible, or else concentrated in some oblivion- 
 bringing pursuits. Unfortunately, the former 
 resource is far the easier, and mankind are 
 vainly wont to attempt drowning care in the 
 shallows of dissipation, rather than plunging 
 into the depths of intellectual improvement. 
 It must at the same time be confessed, that 
 both means are frequently efficacious, though 
 the former robs the heart of its finest sensi- 
 bility, leaving scars like an ill-managed attack 
 of small-pox, where abler treatment had marred 
 no beauty. 
 
 A collegian's life has been too often and 
 ably drawn, to permit me to attempt describing 
 any of the passages common during a student\s 
 sojourn at Oxford, and I need only say, that 
 like many young men similarly situated, I 
 spent most of my time in idleness and pro- 
 fligacy. I did not enter into this with my 
 eyes shut — for I was aware of the folly of such 
 conduct, and I felt a frequent self-detestation 
 after every new debauch ; — but to retract was, 
 
88 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 I then felt, impossible. One thought on 
 Eliza, and every contemplated reform ended 
 in another complete abandonment to folly and 
 dissipation. My uncle soon got to hear of 
 this, and addressed me a long and severe 
 letter of expostulation, threatening to disown 
 and disinherit me, unless a speedy amendment 
 was visible both in my conduct and extrava- 
 gance. 
 
 These remonstrances only afforded my scape- 
 grace acquaintances a theme for ridicule ; and 
 my enraged relation, seeing I was going in a 
 gallop to destruction, withdrew me from the 
 University, and, as a last attempt at reforma- 
 tion, intended articling me with a celebrated 
 solicitor in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. 
 
 During the time I remained with my uncle 
 after leaving college, he scarcely ever spoke to 
 me ; and though Harrison appeared glad to 
 see me, I treated him very distantly from 
 pique, at his having been the means of banish- 
 ing me from the roof and affections of my 
 relative. The day at length arrived which was 
 fixed for our having an interview with Mr. 
 Hobbs, one of the oldest, richest, and most 
 
ANTIPATHY. 89 
 
 intelligent solicitors in Newcastle; and we 
 proceeded thither for that purpose on horse - 
 back, it being Mr, Butler's favourite way of 
 travelling. 
 
 Mr. Hobbs's abode was no leviathan ; it was 
 indeed one of those small tenebrious dens 
 which Plutus has ever patronized; precisely 
 such a gloomy Uttle mint of business as Lon- 
 don, Amsterdam, and other wealthy cities 
 afford innumerable examples. The retired 
 street in which it stood was as quiet and 
 unstirring as the Peruvian mine, the bowels 
 of which have been gored for gold, and de- 
 serted: and around it an eternal twilight, 
 occasioned by smoke, prevailed. A black oak 
 door, with a black iron knocker, on being 
 assaulted, was smartly opened by a clean 
 elderly footman, and we were calmly ushered 
 into the lawyer's private business chamber. 
 This was a small square vault (were I to call it 
 a room, a false conception would be conveyed), 
 rendered almost pitch dark from the dusty cob- 
 webbed state of its solitary little window, 
 which, like the eye of a maudHn Polypheme, 
 
90 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 though stuck in the exact centre of his fore- 
 head, was almost useless from the glassy film 
 of inebriety. Fronting this most inadequate 
 aperture sat the solicitor, at a table covered 
 with tawny-coloured parchments and bundles 
 of tape-tied papers. 
 
 From the indistinctness of vision attend- 
 ing our first entry, the only thing I could 
 discern was something like a large turnip pen- 
 dant in the haze ; but this I at length disco- 
 vered was Mr. Hobbs's well-powdered pate, 
 and which, saving the foolscap he was scrawling 
 upon, was indeed the only object visible in the 
 apartment. Whilst the iris of my uncle's 
 eye was accommodating itself to this murky 
 emergency, the solicitor had recognized and 
 quitted his easy leathern chair to embrace him, 
 pouring forth many declarations of joy at see- 
 ing him so well, and delight at receiving me, 
 whom he was certain would be a great assist- 
 ance to himself and an ornament to the office. 
 This rapid miscellany of a salutation being 
 ended, he pointed to a couple of high-backed 
 chairs which now began to embody themselves 
 
ANTIPATHY. 91 
 
 in the obscurity, like ^neas and Achates before 
 Dido, when 
 
 " circumfusa repente 
 
 " Scindit se nubes et in setehra purgat apertum." 
 
 By the time that I was able to discern pretty 
 distinctly the objects around me, my uncle and 
 his talkative agent were far gone in business, 
 altogether unconnected with my interests, and 
 which they little expected to find brought to a 
 very speedy and abrupt conclusion. 
 
 What produced this, and a flood of complex 
 feehngs which I am utterly unable to describe, 
 and shall not expatiate upon, was a large 
 bloated black cat, which lay stretched on the 
 top of an escrutoire, yawning and protruding 
 his talons, as if dreaming of some murdered 
 victim. My horror was, however, redoubled 
 at seeing another copper-coloured wretch 
 seated within a yard of me, rubbing and dress- 
 ing its whiskers. With a struggle which nearly 
 burst a blood-vessel, I repelled the first demo- 
 niac promptings which assailed me, but I felt 
 them becoming gradually stronger. To with- 
 
92 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 draw my body, nay, even my eyes, from these 
 accursed persecutors, required an exertion of 
 every energy — for I was fascinated with an 
 ungovernable impulse of destructive abhor- 
 rence ; but taking out my handkerchief, as if 
 to wipe my brow which, despite the frost, was 
 profusely covered with perspiration, I managed 
 thus, for upwards of a minute, to hide my 
 enemies from view — and it was truly an inex- 
 pressible relief, that I was neither spoken to 
 nor noticed. Whilst in this state, I began to 
 reason seriously with myself on the absurdity 
 
 of my foible. " What is there," thought I, 
 
 " in a cat to cause such awful turmoil in one's 
 breast ? I am fond, very fond of dogs — and 
 is not the dog as ferocious, carnivorous, and a 
 much more formidable animal V 
 
 It would not do ; — I felt the same convulsive 
 gulping of the throat one feels in swallowing 
 nauseous physic, accompanied by an inde- 
 scribable anxiety of mind. — " God grant I 
 escape without some mad exhibition," mut- 
 tered I, with a sigh which was absolutely 
 necessary for refreshing my palpitating heart. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 93 
 
 — " I must quit the room, on pretence of sick- 
 ness/' This plausible determination I was 
 on the point of executing, when, lo ! I felt 
 something rubbing itself against my legs 
 mth that soft coaxing brush which left no 
 doubt as to the horrid cause. First I expe- 
 rienced the full pressure of the incarnate 
 deviPs shoulder against my calf, becoming, by 
 harrowing gradation, less and less perceptible, 
 till the tail flapped against me, as the beast 
 made a turn to repeat its odious caresses. At 
 length I heard its hum-drum purr ! Gracious 
 Providence, what were my agonies on hear- 
 ing that cacophony ! Trembling all over like 
 a jelly from the hands of a pastry-cook, I 
 drew the napkin from my eyes with the same 
 faltering slowness that one would uncover the 
 crimped dead clothes from the features of a 
 dear friend-— and— the horrible abomination 
 then met my blood-shot eyes with that bland 
 hypocritical leer cats only know how to assume. 
 The enemy was positively betwixt my legs, 
 evidently meditating, from its crouching posi- 
 tion, a spring into my lap. Flesh and blood 
 could stand it no longer ; and with a spasm of 
 
94 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 premeditated murder, I jerked together furi- 
 ously my heels, which were armed with long 
 spiked spurs — and the oppression taken from 
 my mind — the negative happiness I experi- 
 enced, on finding that I had perforated the 
 brute's ribs on either side, cannot by my pen 
 be communicated. 
 
 The infuriated look which accompanied this 
 determined action, must fully have justified 
 every suspicion of mental aberration. The 
 instantaneous yell — the fuff — the reiterated and 
 more piercing yell — the short, husky, and 
 vindictive myaw ! — had no success in melting 
 my obdurate heart — for, with inexorable rowels 
 I continued drilling the unlucky wretches 
 sides, gnashing savagely meanwhile my teeth 
 till the carpet and my boots were disfigured 
 with blood. 
 
 Before the astonished solicitor could quit 
 his seat for the rescue, his sooty familiar, judi- 
 ciously auguring danger to himself from the 
 piercing cries of his carrotty companion, bolted 
 across the escrutoire, upsetting a large pewter 
 ink-stand first over the parchments, and then 
 over the lawyer's snowy woollen hose. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 95 
 
 ^' He is mad ! furious P' exclaimed my 
 uncle. 
 
 " God's me^ my cat !'^ ejaculated Mr. Hobbs, 
 seizing by its tail the yellow and white one^ 
 which now lay motionless^ with turned-up 
 eyes and pendant tongue, nearly inanimate, 
 yet craftily simulating greater proximity to 
 death. But the astonished limb of law had 
 yet another disagreeable indignity to undergo ; 
 for, relinquishing my expiring victim, I made 
 such a sudden rush at the sooty one, which 
 most unwisely ventured near my end of the 
 room, that, with one kick, it flew into the 
 tenebrious recesses of a fire-place, from whence 
 it sprung, partially singed, overturning the 
 fender and all its appurtenances. It then took 
 refuge beneath a chair, with pitiful wailings 
 and a wild glaring look. 
 
 I was instantly seized by my uncle and Mr. 
 Hobbs, and proving refractory, the bell was 
 rung for assistance, and I was dragged to bed 
 by servants, clerks, and Mr. Hobbs himself, 
 whilst a physician was instantly sent for. 
 
 It was in vain I harangued and argued that 
 
96 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 I was perfectly sound in mind — that what had 
 seemed madness was but a peculiar and ungo- 
 vernable prejudice rooted within me against all 
 the feline species, and which, on any oppor- 
 tunity offering itself, might again operate pre- 
 cisely as it had just done. The doctor, who 
 had meanwhile arrived out of breath — a cada- 
 verous stupid-looking man — with self-compla- 
 cent inattention to what I said, set all my 
 eloquence down as downright raving, and by 
 his directions I was forcibly bled, after which 
 my arms were secured in either a straight 
 jacket or waistcoat — for I was never able to 
 distinguish betwixt these lunatic habiliments. 
 My head was next to have been blistered, 
 iDut, as nothing on earth could persuade me, 
 so no force could safely be applied to make 
 me undergo the operation of shaving — and it 
 was accordingly given up; but this I must 
 partly attribute to the impression my threats 
 and dreadful imprecations made upon the 
 operating barber — for I told him, as distinctly 
 as my forcible expletives admitted, that I had 
 sufficient possession of my wits to remember 
 
ANTIPATHY. 
 
 97 
 
 and break every bone in his carcass, if he 
 ventured to attempt upon me any display of 
 his manual dexterity. 
 
 I know of few situations where the mind 
 vindicates her own importance more stoically, 
 and yet completely, than the one in which I 
 was now placed. To be pronounced insane 
 by no less than three individuals, and yet to 
 feel a perfect unwavering conviction of their 
 arrogant misapprehension, oh ! it was de- 
 lightful and glorious, though in my case dearly 
 enough purchased. It may, however, with 
 propriety here be asked, whether I have not 
 been all my life deranged, at least in this one 
 particular ? Should I even grant this, it can- 
 not, on the other hand, be denied, that there 
 scarce lives a man but has some secret or 
 apparent failing which greatly influences his 
 actions, and gives a complexion to his cha- 
 racter, and which, when found in excess, must 
 afford some argument for such a plea. If I 
 was mad, it was an insignificant flaw in my 
 nature which rendered me so. But how 
 trifling an obstacle will cause the stream to 
 change its channel — how insignificant is the 
 
 VOL. I. p 
 
98 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 helm which governs the valuably freighted 
 bark upon its bosom — even of such a quality- 
 do I suppose my weakness, antipathy, madness 
 — call it what you choose — to have been. 
 
 But to resume my unpleasant adventure. — 
 Having frightened the barber out of all inten- 
 tions of interfering wdth my scalp, I became 
 comparatively quiet; and, on my uncle's en- 
 treaties, was conveyed to the hotel where 
 we had left our horses, though not without 
 some opposition on the part of Mr. Hobbs, 
 who was in sooth a hospitable, kind-hearted 
 man. 
 
 My uncle, having seen me thus comfortably 
 disposed of, and given many instructions to 
 the physician, set off home, after promising 
 to re-\asit me next morning. It may be 
 imagined, that my wrath at being thus con- 
 signed into the clutches of a medical harpy, 
 and by him into those of a detested sick 
 nurse, was sufficiently towering, the more so, 
 as she had no relish for argument or elo- 
 quence, but treated all my fine speeches with 
 sceptical grunts or positive inattention. — 
 Strapped down securely, and somewhat se- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 99 
 
 verely to the bed, my most forcible appeals 
 were on behalf of liberty — that noble, spirit- 
 stirring theme, which has warmed the dullest 
 brain, and charmed the veriest adder ear ; but 
 all was to no purpose — I might as well have 
 harangued the hairy nurse of Romulus or 
 Orson. Sooner would the hag have seen me 
 die than unbuckle my bonds. 
 
 Amongst my other strong prejudices, there 
 is one too unjust, perhaps, to defend — but 
 that is, an inveterate detestation of all sick 
 nurses. I cannot help regarding them as 
 gouls and ravens. Like vultures, they nose 
 afar off the dying and the dead ; they live 
 upon the offals of life — the last breathings of 
 existence is their bread and boon — the tears 
 of parting relatives or lovers their tea and 
 sugar, and even their very gin. 
 
 The slip-slop sentimentalist may, if he 
 pleases, here simper some rhapsody against 
 all this, connected with the tender-heartedness 
 of the sex, which induces a soothing sohcitude 
 towards us, from the cradle to the death - 
 couch. But true as this generally may be, it 
 has no part with respect to the flinty-hearted 
 
 f2 
 
100 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 sick-nurse. Her good offices and kind ministry 
 is tact of hand, not of heart; craft and cau- 
 tion — not feeling. What sensibihty can sub- 
 sist amongst a class of wretches who, for gain, 
 hang ov^er the extreme weakness and anguish 
 of mortality. With our sex — with the physi- 
 cian — it is otherwise. Apathy is partially par- 
 donable in man — but a woman deficient in 
 feehng is to me an animal of the lowest grade ; 
 and a woman (in short, a sick nurse) who can 
 attend the d^dng and dispose of the dead, must 
 rank, in my estimation, as hangmen or resur- 
 rectionists — necessary, but very odious per- 
 sons. 
 
 Enough, however, of such disagreeable 
 digressions. After delivering myself of many 
 neatly-rounded periods of bitter reviling against 
 my obdurate warder, I heard that deep and 
 distant hum of an approaching multitude, 
 which vibrates so solemnly in one's ears. It 
 drew nearer, and at length the nurse protruded 
 her head from the casement to satisfy her 
 curious mind. 
 
 " What is the matter r" demanded I. 
 
 " And what the better, poor thing, will you 
 
ANTIPATHY. 101 
 
 be for the telling ?" resporxded she, with an 
 assumed look and tone of compassion for my 
 lunacy. " My eyes," continued she, " are 
 too hazy now to distinguish things at such a 
 distance, but I have Httle doubt it is no 
 good." 
 
 The measured tread of a body of mihtary 
 men is soon recognisable, and as the regiment 
 marched forwards, my curiosity was satisfied 
 before that of the purblind attendant. 
 
 She meanwhile continued mumbling to her- 
 self in that garrulous way so common with 
 old crones. 
 
 '' Aye, a comely gentleman that on the 
 horse; a proper looking man, though some- 
 what up in years — six feet four his coffin 
 would needs be, or I have little skill — 
 and such a spick and span new cloak, of 
 the best blue cloth, which cost no trifle, I 
 trow.'' 
 
 As she thus ran on for some time, I turned 
 my head to count the stamens of the flowery 
 pattern of my curtains. It had four, two long 
 and two short, with but one tremendous pistil, 
 and was therefore of the class Didynamia — 
 
102 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 order Monogymia, But this was all I could 
 make of it^ for I believe Flora herself would 
 have been puzzled to find its name. 
 
 Scarcely had I finished this interesting 
 bed-room botany, when I heard a voice, which 
 I well knew, enquiring after me, and which 
 knowing so perfectly, and hearing in that 
 place, made me doubt whether, after all, the 
 physician and nurse were not right in consi- 
 dering me stark mad. 
 
 Another burning minute or two steadied my 
 whirling brain, which was indulging in a see- 
 saw sort of recreation, and my dear friend 
 Alfred Wyndham stood beside me. But for 
 the abominable straps which held me, I should 
 have jumped out of bed, or at least bolted 
 upright to receive him ; and I could not help 
 smihng at the look of wonder and pity he 
 assumed on receiving no advance on my part 
 to his outstretched hand. 
 
 « What, so iU !" exclaimed Alfred—" I did 
 not expect this — though your uncle, whom I 
 met, informed me of your being confined here 
 to your room. I trust you have met no serious 
 accident ?" 
 
ANTIPATHY. 103 
 
 " The most serious one/' replied I, " that 
 can befall a wretched human being — the falling 
 into the hands of an inexorable leech when in 
 perfect health.'^ 
 
 Accordingly I detailed every thing that had 
 happened^ which afforded him considerable 
 amusement mingled with concern. 
 
 " Well/' said he, after having heard my 
 story — '' I know not what may be the effects 
 of my prescription, but liberty is, I should 
 say, essential to your recovery — and so" — 
 taking out his knife — '' here goes at these 
 unbecoming straps — and next at this queer 
 and most unfashionable vest" — severing, as he 
 spoke, the respective trammels which confined 
 me. 
 
 Seeing this, my sick nurse, after a shrill 
 cry of terror, hobbled down stairs quicker 
 than her old legs had for years carried her. 
 By the assistance of Alfred, I was soon dressed 
 — and the many questions I had to put, and 
 answer, soon banished all thoughts of my own 
 misfortunes. What pleasure is there to com- 
 pare with the mutual reminiscences of friend- 
 ship ! The soldier who fights all his battles 
 
104 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 o'er again, does not so with more zest or 
 enjoyment than two striphngs recount all their 
 former scrapes and rogueries. Alas ! how soon 
 does the heart become numbed to such un- 
 bur^dngs of the joyous past. Remembrance — 
 as it grows old, grows gloomy — and the nearer 
 we are to the grave, the fewer flowers do we 
 retrace on the path which has brought us 
 there. 
 
 Our delightful conversation would have 
 extended much longer than it did, had not my 
 physician. Dr. Pow, stepped suddenly into the 
 room, followed by an assistant. 
 
 " Paracelsus preserve me !" exclaimed Dr. 
 Pow, stepping back two paces, and seizing the 
 handle of the nearly closed door — " the de- 
 ranged patient is unloosed — Samuel Beetle, se- 
 cure the patient — bind the maniac patient, I 
 say— six ounces of blood and a cathartic." 
 
 " Mark me, old yellow pill-box," said I, 
 with all the grave severity I could muster — 
 '' if you have any respect for that wizen face 
 — attempt no more pharmaceutical antics 
 here. What! have you no other means of 
 finding sustenance for that weazel carcass^ 
 
ANTIPATHY. 105 
 
 than by juggling people out of health, liberty, 
 and even reason ? Such blood-sucking vampires 
 should be hung up to scare away all other 
 iniquitous practitioners." 
 
 " True,'^ said Alfred, entering into the spirit 
 of this banter ; " and what deadly sin have 
 you, my dear friend Butler, committed, that 
 so extraordinary a punishment should be 
 incurred? — Are our limbs to be sliced like 
 cucumbers, or whipped with bandages, like 
 fishing flies, whilst the breath he does all he 
 can to stop still warms our miserable and mal- 
 treated flesh? Are anatomical subjects so 
 much above par, that nothing is left for the 
 lees of the faculty but living autopsy ! Hoary 
 villain ! do you read and inwardly digest 
 scripture, and yet thus live by unexampled 
 murder V' — 
 
 " Or,^' resumed I — stopping the physician, 
 whose fear had so far given way to fury, that 
 his face was becoming overcast with a splendid 
 Tyrian purple — " do you take us for gulls or 
 daws, to be deceived by your pompous croak- 
 garbled, dog-latin, and studied austerity of 
 face ?' — Do you suppose our brains are as sod- 
 
 F 5 
 
10^ ANTIPATHY. 
 
 den as your own oily poultices — or tliat, be-^ 
 cause your bandy legs are thrust into black 
 silkj we consider you a bit greater genius or 
 prophet — or that your yellow bamboo, with 
 its ivory head, (so like your own) is a second 
 Aymer's wand ?"— 
 
 " Bind the patient ! — bind both the pa- 
 tients !" cried Dr. Pow, in towering wrath^ 
 beating furiously at the same time the floor 
 with his feet and walking-staiF. 
 
 " I will submit no longer to this insolence ! 
 — First of all," said I — " ofi^er up your prayers 
 for safety — for I vow the first who lays finger 
 on me may regret his rashness.'^ 
 
 '^ Amen ! " responded Alfred, " and thou^ 
 most pedantic professor of carving, and 
 grand compounder of trashery," continued he^ 
 " be ad\ised, and let thy large, powdered, 
 and respectable looking wig betake itself hence 
 without rough handling — for I do most so- 
 lemnly protest, there is not sufficient wit 
 beneath that phalanx of starched curls to 
 maintain its propriety of appearance, if you 
 tarry two minutes longer." 
 
 '^ Offensive, ill-mannered puppy !" exclaimed 
 
ANT11»ATHY. 107 
 
 \\ie doctor; "think not, Sir, that the rules 
 and authority of science are to be scoffed at with 
 impunity by any such self-sufficient libertines 1 
 — Your father, Sir, if you have one, shall be 
 duly informed of your insolence and inter- 
 ference. Samuel Beetle, I say, bind the insane 
 patient ; at thy peril, Samuel Beetle, refuse to 
 co-operate ?' 
 
 Samuel — a long thin fool — now advanced 
 in a sort of gingerly echellon to execute this 
 mandate, stretching cautiously forward his 
 left arm to parry the blow which he fully 
 expected. AU his caution was, however, to 
 no purpose, for my fist evaded his unscien- 
 tific guard, and lighted so effectively on his 
 nose, as set it instantly a-spouting. At the 
 same instant, Alfred having first secured 
 the doctor's bamboo, seized his wig by its tail 
 and what with pulling it, and tripping up 
 his legs, very soon succeeded in laying him 
 alongside of his assistant. 
 
 The house was now in a complete uproar — 
 for the landlord, landlady, nurse, and several 
 servants rushed into the room, and I should 
 certainly have been once more consigned to 
 
108 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 my straps and straight waistcoat, but for the 
 interference of Mr. Hobbs, who had fortu- 
 nately called at this time to make enquiries 
 after me. 
 
 To him Alfred satisfactorily explained my 
 strong abhorrence of the fehne species, as also 
 the reason of the disturbance^ — and, much to 
 the dissatisfaction of the incredulous nurse, 
 Doctor Pow-— and I have no doubt of Boniface 
 and his rib — I was permitted to be in my mind 
 and to proceed home, accompanied by my bail — 
 Wyndham. On leaving the door, I felt some 
 one pluck my sleeve, and found this liberty 
 proceeded from my friend, the barber — who, 
 touching his well-frizzed fore-top out of re- 
 spect, said, in a sly triumphant way—" Sir, I 
 did not shave your head, you may remember — 
 I knew you were as wise as any of us, and much 
 more of a gentleman." 
 
 This hint for half a crown was sufficiently 
 intelligible, nor was it unsuccessful. 
 
ANTIPATHY. " 109 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 '' Twere an ill world, I'll swear — for every friend. 
 If distance could their union end ; — 
 But love itself does far advance. 
 Above the powers of time and space ; — 
 It scorns such outward circumstance. 
 His time's for ever — every where his place." 
 
 Cowley. 
 
 I MUST confess, that my uncle did not act 
 with his usual sagacity and penetration when 
 he determined on binding me to that mill-horse- 
 paced profession, the law — for my disposition 
 has ever proved prone to violent excitement — 
 and I have been a martyr to change. Were my 
 spirit visible, and pegged down, it would make 
 
S.10 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 a capital psychological weathercock, showing 
 the rapid transition of my mental moods, from 
 the gak of passion to the zephyr of love. 
 
 Mr. Butler was much surprised on seeing 
 me return, and it was some time before Alfred 
 could persuade him of the possibility of my 
 powerful prejudice against the feUne race being 
 compatible with soundness of mind. Old 
 Jasper Harrison was, however, still more in- 
 credulous ; and as my defence came from one 
 whom he held in utter abhorrence, it was not 
 likely to make any great impression. Never* 
 theless, I was taken into the house on trial, 
 and as the establishment was only haunted by 
 one mouser, whose sphere never extended 
 beyond the buttery, her removal was at once 
 decided upon during my stay — and this my 
 uncle had already determined should be no 
 longer than was necessary. 
 
 As Mr. Hobbs very naturally declined taking 
 me into his office, my uncle gave me a few 
 days to determine whether I would go into a 
 solicitor's in London, or follow some other 
 profession. Being a large holder of India 
 stock, he had moreover considerable influence 
 
ANTIPATHY/ 1 1 1 
 
 "with some of the Directors of the East India 
 Company, and he took care, on this occasion, 
 to inform me that he had been promised a 
 cadetship whenever he chose to demand one. I 
 did not long ponder— this settled the question* 
 There was a chance, a probability of meeting 
 Eliza — and without dwelling on the mockery 
 of imagination, her bright beauty seemed to 
 beckon me across the mighty main. I was 
 moreover impelled by destiny — or, in plain 
 terms, the devil — who, standing at my left 
 elbow, his grizzly occiput bedizened mth a 
 showy gold-laced shakoe, and his arms rusthng 
 in a no less suitable dress coat, held up to my 
 eyes an imaginary heavy rupee bag. This ap- 
 parition alone was sufficiently inimical to all 
 law lucubrations ; accordingly. Coke gradually 
 appeared to me an ass, Blackstone a driveller, 
 — and I began to question if the Pandects had 
 lain for ever in their original mustiness at 
 Amalfi, whether it would not have been better 
 for the world. 
 
 But when the insidious Satan cocked know- 
 ingly his topee, and gingled his heavy rupee 
 
112 T^NTIPATHY. 
 
 r, the day was his own. In the full astrus 
 of military ardour, I upheld the soldier to be 
 the best as well as noblest of mankind — dis- 
 interested, brave, virtuous— the only person, 
 in fact, likely to enter the kingdom of heaven, 
 is a soldier — ergo an officer, ergo a subaltern, 
 ergo a cadet. What, are there no clergy who 
 surpass your man-of-war? No, not one ! thought 
 I — your clergy, all over the world, are in some 
 respects as like as peas. The Romish and 
 Church of England are marrow-fats — your 
 Presbyterians true Prussian blues, and in the 
 Mussulmans we see the more common brown. 
 You may tell them their caste and grade with 
 as much precision and facility as a housemaid 
 distinguishes stains on her carpets, and pro- 
 nounces them to be caused by the tea-kettle or 
 tabby. They grow universally oily at the 
 expense of their followers ; nor from Gath 
 to Glasgow, from Tiber to the Houng- 
 ho, is there a priest of my acquaintance 
 who dealeth forth his legendary lore with- 
 out being, or expecting to be, notably well 
 paid — just as bards in former times, and 
 
ANTIPATHY. 118 
 
 fiddlers of tlie present generation, are for 
 chaunting and scraping entitled prescriptively 
 to a dram. 
 
 And here, after revising this sheet, I begin 
 to quail, lest some Rosycrucian virtuoso, — 
 one who hears with his eyes, smells with his 
 ears, and swallows music, should, like learned 
 Sorbonnists, attempt to twist this harmless 
 banter into a foul libel on our blessed Church. 
 No layman can possibly be impressed with 
 greater reverence than I have for our religion ; 
 to anticipate, therefore, any such mahcious 
 animadversions, I beg to declare they will be 
 as senseless as unjust. Let it be borne in 
 mind^ that Swift's Tale of a Tub was wilfully 
 misinterpreted into meanings blasphemous and 
 disgraceful ; meanings, which, if really intended, 
 would have proved the Dean an offensive dolt, 
 devoid of all wit and humour, which was not, 
 1 presume, exactly his character. 
 
 " Yes,^' said I, at first laying hold of the 
 leaf, " I shall never be forgiven — thou must 
 go — thou must come out, and not damn all thy 
 brethren — better that my labour should have 
 been thrown away — better this leaf should 
 
141 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 light my cheroot, than that the whole book 
 be thrown into the fire. Yet why ?^^ continued 
 I— after second thoughts, and a second pe- 
 rusal — " No, I will not tear thee — thou shalt 
 remain; I disavow every intention of even 
 trifling with religion; he who cavils must 
 therefore be rotten at heart.^' 
 
 I laugh at the rich benefices of the generality 
 of churchmen — I laugh at the coat of Peter, 
 with its silver fringes and golden pouches — 
 I laugh at the folly of the world, which 
 lavishes so much money in maintaining princely 
 pastors to intercede for their souls — a custom 
 eminently ridiculous — as the greater propor- 
 tion can have no chance of salvation, if the 
 creed they preach be true. I laugh at the 
 world, which supposes sins by the score, are 
 cleared away by the heartless confession of 
 repentance, just as a schoolboy, with his 
 thumb, wipes out a sum of long division. 
 It is at such things as these I laugh, as 
 well as at the many absurdities which time 
 and imposture have gradually interwoven in 
 webs of plain morality — not in our church, 
 but in that of others — and if such follies and 
 
ANTIPATHY. 115 
 
 absurdities are not fair game, then am I a 
 tresspasser and poacher. — " But Sir/^ says 
 one, " you certainly cast an inuendo on the 
 cloth, in saying, ^From Gath to Glasgow, 
 every priest is paid,^ &c. — I do ; and pray 
 what is that to you ? — If a scribbler scurri- 
 lously blots his sheets with calumny against 
 the principles of religion, he does harm, 
 and ought in a Christian land to be silenced ; 
 but should he descant only on the construc- 
 tion and economy of chapels, the cut of a 
 clergyman's hat, wig, or breeches, this he 
 has a right to do, and he may be listened to, 
 as wisdom in reality often falls out of the 
 mouths of sucklings/' 
 
 " Well, Sir, how does this apply ?" 
 " As aptly. Sir, as pellet of pop-gun to its 
 cahbre. What are riches — what are sublunary 
 riches in the eyes of God and his great teacher? 
 Ought they to be of more consideration to 
 the pastors of the elect, than the apparel 
 wherewith they are clothed ? A churchman's 
 money-bags should be laid up where no white 
 ants nor cock -roaches are, nor thieves to 
 steal — and the lily which toils not, nor spins, 
 should be an example of dress to an eccle- 
 
116 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 siastic. Is there, then, any thing more repre- 
 hensible in criticising the sublunary riches of 
 churchmen, than their habiliments ? It is on 
 the other hand, at all events, even in an anti- 
 quarian point of view, good so to do. 
 
 This book is intended for posterity — este 
 perpetua, and here it shall find one lowly 
 eulogium on the present system of church 
 government and preferment. It shall acquaint 
 future generations, how we have in many 
 respects given the go-by to the Gospel. What 
 was Paul or Peter, with all their miracles and 
 faith, to our modern apostles in lawn and 
 satin ? They were poor and needy — did it not 
 require a miracle on the part of our Saviour, 
 assisted by Peter, in order to obtain a sorry 
 shekel of silver to pay tribute ? Did it not 
 require fishing for ? But now our LrL.D.^s 
 step into treasuries instead of churches ; and in- 
 stead of the bible, we see a mighty ledger of 
 their incomes. They resemble too much, I 
 fear, the priests of Sherburn as described by 
 the jovial Barnaby — 
 
 " Pastor decimas cerasorum 
 
 " Queerit plus qiiam animorum ; 
 
 *' Certe nescio utrum mores, 
 
 " An fortunes meliores." 
 
ANTIPATHY. 11? 
 
 Can this laudatory digression^ then, be for an 
 instant, reckoned as a libel on the Church ? 
 
 But to resume. In this moment of military- 
 enthusiasm, I regarded the churchman, the 
 lawyer, the physician, as three leeches, living 
 on the rest of mankind, their common prey ; 
 and as this trio evidently live by the misfor- 
 tunes of others, I considered it likely that 
 for mutual advantage they cherish folly and 
 foment litigation, in order that the rectify- 
 ing may come ultimately into their own 
 hands, as boys make a man of snow for the 
 pleasure of decapitating his hoary head» There 
 is such an immensity of selfishness in this 
 planet, that if it be not most generally found 
 in the Church, law, and physic, the devil 
 himself will be puzzled where to find it. 
 
 ^^ But your soldier 1" thought I — " your 
 soldier, is the true phoenix. He it is to 
 whom this triumvirate owe more especially 
 their benefices and heads. He has, alas ! little 
 emolument to tempt him to the field; fame 
 points — honour leads the way — and patriotism 
 plants the laurel on his brow.'^ In three words, 
 I discarded law, accepted the proffered cadet- 
 
118 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 ship, and shortly afterwards was prepared to 
 start for London, in order to equip and dis- 
 patch. I cannot say that my grief on parting 
 with my uncle was very insupportable, for 
 his conduct towards me had assumed the 
 character of indifference, if not harshness; 
 but after I had shaken hands with him and 
 old Jasper, and fairly taken leave, I felt fonder 
 of them both than I had ever done. Then 
 it was that I first experienced the real lone- 
 liness of exile. What matters it whether banish- 
 ment be voluntary or no ? Why this, thought 
 I — the suicidal exile has the pleasing after- 
 reflection, should fate interpose to afflict him, 
 that the step he took was an act of free-will, 
 and he can blame no one but himself; whereas 
 the real exile can support himself in adversity 
 with the philosophical stwmli, that he either 
 does not merit his hardships, or, if he does, 
 that he has got nothing but what his iniquitous 
 practices deserve. 
 
 It was not much out of my way to visit 
 Oxford, and I could not make up my mind 
 to leave Old England without indulging in one 
 last look at a place where I had spent so many 
 
ANTIPATHY. 119 
 
 happy days. I did so, and on stepping after- 
 wards into the leathern conveyance destined 
 to bear me for ever from old Alma Mater, I 
 assure thee, reader (forget the flippancy of my 
 style), I shed many a bitter tear — 
 
 " The school-boy spot. 
 Which we can ne'er forget, though there we are forgot," 
 
 has fast ties upon the tenacious heart, and 
 they are universal, but not of so exalted a 
 nature are they as those which entwine them- 
 selves around it at college. Of the one, de- 
 lighted memory recalls, and imagination glow- 
 ingly dwells upon — the trifling sports, the 
 shirks, the skilfully evaded, or thoughtlessly 
 incurred punishment, and the happily executed 
 piece of roguery ; but it is when the soul's 
 energies begin to dawn through the bedimming 
 mists of boyhood, that its sublimer feelings 
 are developed. It is then that the secret 
 thirst of rational ambition, uncontaminated 
 by envy, fires the ripening mind — it is then 
 that the depths of philosophy engage, and the 
 shallows of literature delight — it is then that 
 
?20 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 every pulse beats high with hope, and honour, 
 and joy. Taste, science, poetry, alternately 
 enwrap the kindling faculties, and man, not 
 totally corrupted by thoughts of avarice and 
 self, regards his fellow-creatures with the eye 
 of a philanthropist. It is then, too, that 
 friendships - are amalgamated, so as to be 
 separable neither by circumstance nor time. 
 Truly, the happiest hours are those of youth ; 
 truly they are so, because an axiom is to be 
 found in the records of the heavens, which 
 sayeth what the poet sings, — 
 
 " Virtue alone is happiness below." 
 
 Such being my thoughts, it will not excite 
 surprise that I wept as I gradually lost sight 
 of that venerable pile, where I had footed 
 many a merry measure with old grumpy Time 
 — had acquired all my little knowledge, and 
 most of my friends : — 
 
 " As by some tyrant's stern command, 
 A wretch forsakes his native land ; 
 In foreign climes condemned to roam. 
 An endless exile from his home : 
 
ANTIPATHY. 121 
 
 Pensive he treads the destined way. 
 Till on some neighbouring mountain's brow 
 He stops and turns his eyes below ; 
 There melting at the well-known view. 
 Drops a last tear, and bids adieu." 
 
 VOL. 1. 
 
122 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 CHAPTER VIL 
 
 " But in lapsed nature rooted deep. 
 Blind error domineers ; 
 And on fool's errands in the dark. 
 Lends out our hopes and fears." 
 
 Imagine me now in London, with above a 
 couple of hundred guineas in my pocket, my 
 papers signed, and passage taken ; a pound of 
 Greek, Latin, and belles-lettres in my noddle, 
 with about the eighth part of a grain of com- 
 mon sense — which term I take not in the accep- 
 tation of Dr. Reid and his bevy of sense or 
 senseless (as you please) logicians do; but I 
 use it as significant of an experience in the 
 world's ways. The word " knowing,'* defined, 
 illustrated, and peculiarly adopted by Dr. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 123 
 
 is, in my humble opinion, the most 
 
 expressive one in our language for those 
 attainments, an idea of which I wish to con- 
 vey to the minds of our readers. 
 
 But, heyday ! I have forgotten to tell how 
 I came to London, of which, had I proceeded 
 much farther, it would have been too late to 
 make mention. We all know, that in former 
 days a trip to London from the north was a 
 business of some importance. We also know, 
 that many of the richest scenes in some 
 pleasant and generally admired books have 
 their locahties on this very road ; but now-a- 
 days matters are changed, for there is seldom 
 much fallen in with worth the romantic ad- 
 venturer's attention. The ponderous waggon 
 and powerful team which formerly were wont 
 to drag slowly along its passengers and lug- 
 gage, is superseded by our mails and rattling 
 opposition coaches — and the once formidable 
 freebooter, with his strong-boned pad, pistols 
 and holsters, has now dmndled into a sneaking 
 purloiner of Bank-note parcels. The marvel- 
 lous, indeed, is becoming gradually more 
 uncommon, as mankind is advancing in im- 
 
 G 2 
 
124 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 provement and discovery — and by and by, 
 when steam stages and cattle are all the go, 
 an adventure worth noting between the Thames 
 and Tweed, will be as rare as live post-horses. 
 
 I was much grieved to reach York, with- 
 out having come across any thing worth laugh- 
 ing at. The inside of our conveyance was 
 stuffed in one corner with a fat gentleman, 
 a quaker, who slept and snored the whole 
 way — excepting once or twice, at changing 
 horses, when he called for a glass of brandy 
 and water; whilst in the other corner, next 
 the quaker, was stuck a stiff, precise looking 
 personage, who had much the look of a me- 
 thodist preacher, but was in reality a surgeon. 
 These two worthies never opened their lips, 
 saving when brandy and water was required, 
 • — and once when the surgeon, whom I had 
 afterwards reason to suspect was a cow-doctor, 
 took care to acquaint us of his having a diploma 
 and very extensive practice. There was also on 
 the same seat as myself a farmer's wife much 
 addicted to snuff and loquaciousness — and 
 with her a tem])orsir j protegee, in the person 
 of a pretty country damsel, who luckily sitting 
 between me and the snuffy old matron, proved 
 
ANTIPATHY. 125 
 
 & more agreeable companion than any of the 
 others could have done. She was as sweet, 
 rosy-cheeked a girl as ever I met: — bashful, 
 yet not over modesty and excessively like 
 EUza. After a little preliminary coyness, we 
 entered into a delightfully spirited chat which 
 lasted the whole way to York, excepting 
 when the old lady broke in upon it with her 
 disregarded observations. 
 
 We alighted at an inn, the name of which 
 has escaped me. Never did ride so long 
 appear so short, and I would willingly, for 
 such another parley with this beauteous coun- 
 try girl, have gone back again the whole dis- 
 tance. The old lady, however, I have no 
 doubt, differed with me ; she had for the last 
 hour been grumbhng at the cold air, which 
 she foresaw, from sad experience, would bring 
 on her old enemy the rheumatism, and she 
 now employed her powers of rhetoric on the 
 waiters — in one breath upbraiding them for 
 not having breakfast ready, and issuing orders 
 relative to the tea-kettle and buttered toast. — 
 By dint of the dame's scolding and exertions. 
 
126 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 breakfast was soon prepared, and we all sat 
 down in the travellers* room with appetites 
 well sharpened. I remarked, that neither the 
 rosy-cheeked country-girl, nor myself, though 
 the youngest of the party, ate half so much 
 toast as the old lady and quaker. I 
 looked in her face, in order to discover the 
 reason why she ate so little muffin and 
 toast, but found her eyes smiling in mine, 
 and evidently peering at me with the same 
 intention. I turned them away somewhat 
 disconcerted, felt a slight tremor flush over 
 my cheek, and was just as unsatisfied as 
 ever why we had no appetites. 
 
 I had previously determined on spending 
 a day at York, merely to see the Minster; 
 the fat quaker was to go on to London next 
 day by another coach, and so was the precise 
 surgeon. As for the snuiFy duchess, she was 
 also to remain that night at the inn, in expec- 
 tation of her husband, who would arrive at 
 York next day for the market ; and the pretty 
 country girl, who was going into the service 
 of some family in the place, of course re- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 12? 
 
 mained with her venerable protectress. Thus, 
 then, were we all in harbour for the time being. 
 
 Now it so fell out that the day was rainy, 
 windy, and very cold, more so than I have 
 often found it in wet weather. The fires of 
 the travellers' room, and in fact of all the 
 rooms in the ground story, were thronged by 
 the passengers of numerous coaches, post- 
 chaises, and idlers ; and I strongly recom- 
 mended to the two females (in whose good 
 graces I had by this time ingratiated myself), 
 the comfort of retiring to my private apart- 
 ment, in which was an excellent fire, and 
 dinner could be provided there as snug as 
 possible. After some pressing, they accepted 
 my proposal; and when I had given orders 
 about dinner, we all repaired to my chamber, 
 in which was a blazing fire. 
 
 Never did day — spite of wind and weather — 
 pass with less dullness than this at York; 
 never shall I forget it, or the lovely cause 
 of its pleasantness. I did nothing but chatter 
 to Mary (such was the name of my enslaver) 
 of things the most childish ; or if I chattered 
 not, I listened to what trifles she had to say 
 
128 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 with more attention than I would have be- 
 stowed on any poet or orator that ever lived. 
 
 Dinner being discussed, and tea duly admi- 
 nistered, shortly afterwards the old lady, 
 having given in vain many ominous hems, 
 half-stifled coughs, and other similar hints of 
 her wishes to retire, none of which Mary pre- 
 tended to appreciate, she at length got up, 
 and muttering her apprehensions of *' rheu- 
 matics," sore throats, and catarrhs, prepared 
 to withdraw. 
 
 I fruitlessly prayed she would stay a little 
 longer, and implored her, at all events, not 
 to deprive me of the company of her agreeable 
 friend. No ! she was as inexorable as a judge 
 of the King's Bench below. 
 
 " She would be happy, most happy, to sjiend 
 another hour so delightfully as she had done 
 the past ; but the fatigue, fear of her ' rheu- 
 matics,' and sore throats; besides all which 
 objections, it was getting late. Then,'' con- 
 tinued she, with a smile on her snuffy fea- 
 tures, or, more properly speaking, with what 
 was meant as a smile, for it bore more resem- 
 blance to the furling of a tattered main top- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 129 
 
 sail, well tarred to prevent its rotting—" then," 
 proceeded she, " to leave a young woman by 
 herself with a stranger, in his own room, 
 is, you know, too glaringly improper to be 
 for a moment thought of. Come, come, 
 Mary, my dear,^' continued she, " come child, 
 it is getting late, and you must be weary /^ 
 
 An intended stress on the monosyllable 
 " must" conveyed a mandate which it was 
 perilous to call in question. It was as if one 
 should have his death warrant sent him printed 
 upon satin. 
 
 Truth, I have little doubt wiU shame the 
 devil ; for although I could joyftdly have broken 
 the neck of this abominable Rudas, I durst 
 not attempt answering her argument, — and 
 Mary, to my great mortification, was obliged 
 reluctantly to comply. 
 
 Before letting her go, I took the liberty of 
 imprinting one kiss upon her tender lips, and 
 methought as I squeezed her soft hand she re- 
 turned the pressure. I was whispering a few 
 words into her ear, at which she only smiled, 
 and would have detained the pretty girl longer, 
 
 g5 
 
130 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 but the sour old lady got impatient, and away 
 they went. 
 
 Returning to the fire, I in great dudgeon 
 seized rudely on the poker, and endeavoured 
 to ease myself of a little spleen by thumping a 
 large cob of coal till it broke into splinters ; 
 then I poked away furiously at the fire, threw 
 down the poker with a great noise — stalked up 
 and down my room — sat quickly down again — 
 then pulled out my watch so intemperately as to 
 jerk it against my nose — cursed it — and cursed 
 the slow leg of Time's compasses, which re- 
 quires an hour to describe the small circumfe- 
 rence of its dial. But these and other such 
 resources making no difference, either in its 
 progress, or in my bad humour, I rang the 
 bell so violently as to break the rope. The 
 waiter instantly came flying up, expecting the 
 house, or my bed curtains at least, to be on fire. 
 
 " Bring all last week's London papers," said 
 I, " and put a pint of port at the fire." 
 
 " Yes, Sir," said the waiter, slamming the 
 door, and muttering something to himself, 
 which I did not overhear. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 131 
 
 He soon returned with a large file of papers, 
 and the wine. I had got through half the one 
 when the clock struck eleven 5 but I felt no 
 inchnation to sleep, and yet grumbled at the 
 sluggishness of time. " Only eleven !" said I, 
 and putting on more coals, again apphed my- 
 self to the newspapers and wine* I had just 
 finished a precious case of bribery at a contested 
 election, and was sipping my last glass, when the 
 venerable cathedral clock told twelve, and all the 
 plebeian ones responded. "Tush, I will go to 
 sleep 1" exclaimed I, putting on my nightcap, 
 and extinguishing the candles, jumped into bed. 
 
 Many people, I feel convinced, would be 
 somnambulists, were it not for circumstances 
 which at first sight seem trivial. The ancients 
 were certainly more given to it than we are. 
 Several reasons might be adduced to account 
 for this, and not of lightest weight is the mo- 
 dem custom of tucking in sheets, curtains, and 
 counterpanes. It is this sort of nightly harness 
 that prevents many a man being found like a gob- 
 lin onhis scrapers in the midnight moonshine, and 
 thence, too, (talking of goblins) the late alarm- 
 ing diminution of that whitefaced fraternity. 
 Married men are less given to this practice than 
 
132 ANTI1»ATHY. 
 
 bachelors, doubtlessly because their spouses, 
 from juxta-position, often prevent their getting 
 up without awaking one of the parties. Ladies 
 are less frequently somnambulists, a fact which 
 though questioned by some, is no less a fact, 
 and one not yet satisfactorily accounted for. 
 Whether it be their natural timidity that pre- 
 vents them — their firm belief in bogles, and 
 devils, with hoofs and tails — or simply an aver- 
 sion to getting out of bed when once between 
 the sheets, is a difficult question, and calls 
 loudly for the attention of some learned body, 
 such as the Aberdeen or Glasgow Universities. 
 For my own part, I never met with but one 
 female sleep-walker; she was liberally gifted 
 with pock m.arks, bandy-legged, oderiferous in 
 breath, and I took especial care not to disturb 
 her slumbers. I myself am a very great som- 
 nambulist, and what is extraordinary, never 
 walk more than twenty paces or so, at furthest, 
 without awakening. This, I attribute to a 
 large corn, situated on the ball of my right big 
 toe. It is so ser\aceable on this account, that 
 I would no more cut or offer it any indignity 
 than the Cham of Tartary would his toe nails. 
 Now this night, whether the wine had rendered 
 
ANTIPATHY. 13S 
 
 me, or the shattered state of my heart had made 
 me little better than a walking and unwaking 
 automaton (of which there were ample store) 
 had feasted on me with particular barbarity, 
 certain, at all events, it is, that I got up and 
 sallied forth into the gallery. 
 
 It may perhaps be as well here to say, that all 
 the bedchambers in this hostelry, like those in 
 many others, opened into a long lobby, the 
 doors fronting one another. 
 
 When I had wandered into this lobby, by 
 the strangest accident in the world, I opened 
 the second door on my right hand and ad- 
 vanced slowly into the centre of the apartment. 
 At my nineteenth or twentieth step the afore- 
 mentioned corn sent forth a shooting pain, and 
 I opened my eyes in great perplexity. On these 
 occasions my senses quickly rally, and I soon 
 perceived, by a loud snorting, and the glimmer- 
 ing of a rush-light, that the chamber was some 
 other person's. I drew warily near the bed to 
 ascertain on whom I had tresspassed, and was 
 thunderstruck on finding it occupied by the 
 snuffy farmer's wife and her fair companion. 
 
 The old woman snored and gurgled in her 
 
134 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 throat, betokening deep sleep — her pretty bed- 
 fellow, if she had been asleep, was startled 
 from her slumbers. Man is the foot ball of 
 fortune — the die of the devil. I Avas rooted : 
 I could no more at that instant have volun- 
 tarily quitted the room, than have clapped 
 my head under the axe of a guillotine. I 
 fell upon my knees, and on them drew near 
 the bed ; Mary, who was no more asleep than 
 myself, started, and although she recognized 
 me, neither shrieked nor fainted, as is now the 
 fashion. Seizing her hand, soft and warm 
 as her heart, my lips, in spite of my teeth, 
 im23rinted a kiss first on it, then on her cheek ; 
 she tried to appear displeased, and to assume 
 an air quite foreign to her nature — that of 
 anger. She enquired, " How I dared thus 
 intrude ?'^ 
 
 " Lovely girl," said I in as low a voice 
 as was compatible with hearing, " sooner than 
 intentionally offend you I would die. No, 
 my Mary, be not enraged ; somnambulism, a 
 disease hereditary in our family, and brought 
 on perhaps to-night by dreaming of your 
 beauty, has brought me thus unconsciously 
 
ANTIPATHY. 135 
 
 to declare myself your slave. But, forgive 
 me," continued I more boldly and loudly, 
 " say you forgive me." 
 
 I now swore fifteen or sixteen choice uni- 
 versity oaths, that I was an undone man, 
 miserable, hopelessly miserable if she slighted 
 my affection, and prayed fervently for the 
 eternal furnace and brimstone of perdition if 
 I did not love her more than all the world. 
 
 Again must I exclaim, what a foot ball of 
 fortune is man ! what folly will he not at 
 times be guilty of; — here did I upon my knees 
 make a tender, to this unknown country girl 
 of my heart and fortunes ! 
 
 " However great the first may have been. 
 Sir, the latter certainly was small — true, but 
 the offer Sir — the offer '^ 
 
 The farmer's wife now awoke with a sudden 
 snort, and though so near as to be able to 
 count her breathings, I durst not move; she, 
 however, again turned herself round, without 
 perceiving me, and her nose was a sufiicient 
 voucher of her being fast asleep. 
 
 Mary, whose heart palpitated all this time 
 
13G ANTIPATHY. 
 
 like the rolling of a hot egg in which is 
 quicksilver, now pressed and entreated me 
 to retire in case the old lady should awake 
 and discover me, and this, after some delay 
 and making her promise to meet me next 
 morning at breakfast, I did. 
 
 I reached the lobby Avhich was dimly 
 lighted by a common oil lamp, which had 
 been feebly fighting for upwards of an hour 
 against consumption. This now expired ; 
 and the very instant it did so, I heard an 
 indescribable noise — half grunt, half groan. 
 It was a moonshine night so as to enable 
 me to see the whole length of the lobby^ 
 and yet nothing from which the noise could 
 proceed was visible. I stood listening, and con- 
 jecturing what it could be : when the half grunt, 
 half groan was repeated louder and more fre- 
 quently. I was standing, thus quite at a loss, 
 uncertain whether or no a dream was upon 
 me, when a door opened close to me, and 
 displayed a thin Ian thorn-jawed figure, with 
 a red night cap, and in his shirt. He started 
 back at seeing me, and held the door nearly 
 
ANTIPATHY. ' 137 
 
 shut, so that his red night cap and scraggy- 
 face were the only visible parts about him. 
 
 " Who art thou ?^^ said he gravely. 
 
 " I have the honour to be, Sir," replied 
 I, buttoning my dressing gown, " your humble 
 fellow-traveller," for by this time I recognised 
 in this apparition the precise looking surgeon ; 
 " pray have you not heard strange noises about 
 the house ?" 
 
 " Yes," responded he of the night cap, 
 " and it was to investigate their cause which 
 brought me out of bed. Let us go together 
 and see what is the matter. Hark ! — unless 
 some one is seriously unwell or — again ! and 
 yet it sounds like nothing earthly ; more like 
 
 —hush r 
 
 We now cautiously advanced cheek by jowl 
 along the passage till we arrived at the door of 
 an apartment, from whence this inexplicable 
 noise proceeded. I confess that my hand 
 slightly shook as turning the handle of the 
 lock, I threw open the door; and as for the 
 doctor, his teeth chattered audibly. At first, 
 from the moon being curtained by a cloud, 
 we could not distinguish any thing, but thijs 
 
138 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 clearing away, we saw something precisely like 
 a large brown bear, his head resting on the 
 back, and a paw on either arm of a large 
 cane bottomed chair. The animal panted like 
 a dog that has overrun himself, and his mouth 
 was widely distended. 
 
 Neither of us felt anxious to advance a 
 bit closer, but a minute's unbroken moon- 
 shine set all our apprehensions at rest. The 
 imaginary bruin proving to be no one else 
 than the fat quaker, and accordingly all our 
 sohcitude was turned into another channel, 
 for he was apparently in the articulo mortis. 
 The officious surgeon thinking that he had 
 a quinsy, ran for his lancets ^ but finding on 
 his return no symptoms of such a disease, 
 he commenced interrogating the poor quaker, 
 who was too ill either to attend to, or answer 
 him. The surgeon, after some time, was 
 thoroughly convinced either that he was poi- 
 soned, or something or other must have gone 
 ■\wong in the prima via; and departing, he again 
 speedily returned with a hastily compounded 
 emetic and an enormous cow-horn for its 
 forcible administration. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 139 
 
 The assiduous leech deeming it quite super- 
 fluous to consult his patient^s feelings in the 
 first place, commenced the operation boldly 
 and with despatch, whilst the sufferer (who 
 could not speak) made sundry kicks and signs 
 of his displeasure. The surgeon nevertheless 
 continued his scientific pursuit ; and now did 
 honest Broad brim's indignation become highly 
 electrified by the persevering application of his 
 persecutor, till at length finding all remon- 
 strance ineffectual, he in the fury of his heart 
 grasped the unlucky practitioner by the nape 
 of the neck, and forcing the cornucopia into 
 his own gullet, canted the whole horrid con- 
 tents partly down his sesophagus and every 
 drop of the remainder into his mouth. Never 
 was medical genius more astonished ; never 
 heretofore, did one swallow so copious a drug- 
 draft of his own compounding 
 
 The first words uttered by the surgeon, after 
 he had pushed and stamped with his feet for 
 two or three minutes, should never appear 
 in print ; and hence the preceding constellation 
 of pretty stars, one, which for want of Chal- 
 dean brass or skill, we shall refrain from 
 
140 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 christening. After these two or three minutes 
 had been spent as I have stated^ he suddenly 
 commenced an assault on the chops of the 
 quaker ; nor did this unweildy son of long 
 cloth refuse battle, for wielding the formidable 
 drenching horn, he bestowed such a nervous 
 salute on the doctor's noddle as must have 
 caused a concussion of whatever brain it con- 
 tained, notwithstanding the interposition of the 
 flaming ^Egis in shape of the red night cap. 
 
 A conflict dire — memorable, and well worthy 
 the eyes of posterity must now have ensued, 
 but for my strenuous exertions. Grasping the 
 infuriated disciple of Hippocrates by his 
 shirt tail, I dragged him out of the field, 
 as dog-fanciers have a way of parting their 
 bull-terriers ; and no sooner had I got 
 him out of the room, than the quaker 
 deliberately locked the door, whilst the 
 surgeon retired to his own apartment, call- 
 ing down many imprecations on his own 
 head if he did not revenge himself terribly 
 on the quaker. 
 
 Thus ended this adventure of the night, 
 which originated in a severe asthmatic attack 
 
ANTIPATHY. 141 
 
 — a complaint by which the quaker was often 
 terribly tormented. During these fits of suf- 
 fering, he was accustomed to rest his chest 
 on the back of a chair, which he found af- 
 forded him a little relief, from that horrid 
 sensation of suffocation attendant on the 
 disease. The noises were of course occasioned 
 by his gasping for breath, and it happened that 
 he had wrapped himself, in an old brown cloak, 
 which gave him so ungracious an appearance. 
 Being fatigued from want of sleep, I turned 
 in laughing at what had happened, but by 
 ill-luck, did not awaken till ten next day. 
 The consequence was, that Mary and her 
 surly guardian had quitted the inn above an 
 hour, but where they had gone no one knew. 
 The quaker and the doctor were nearer London 
 by thirty miles— all were dispersed, and I have 
 never met one of them since. 
 
142 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 " From virtue's rugged path to right. 
 By pleasure are we brought. 
 To flowery fields of wrong, and there , 
 
 Pain chides us for our fault." 
 
 Young. 
 
 Of all the cities that ever cumbered God's 
 earthy none has yet existed more replete with 
 abomination than London. Search the scrolls 
 of history and cull from each their greatest 
 deformities — add thereunto the profligacy of 
 ancient Alexandria — the livid plague spots 
 of the mighty Babylon — the refined debauchery 
 of Sibarys — the frivolous dissoluteness of mo- 
 dem Paris — compound them all — all, and the 
 morality of London is the result, but all in- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 143 
 
 ferior still to that bloated original in one 
 shade of iniquity. Something like this did 
 1 give A^ent to in form of a soliloquy, on 
 reaching my lodgings about three o^clock p.m. 
 with a sHt nose, black eye, one tail of my 
 blue coat wanting, and the other dangling, 
 doubtful whether or no to give way. 
 
 It here behoves me to give a brief account of 
 some primary e^ols which led to my returning 
 home in this pickle, and as all my early mis- 
 fortunes have been the consequence of folly, 
 I trust, that such readers who are not like 
 myself, old and grave, will derive profit at least 
 from those passages in my confessions, which 
 would prove exceptionable to being here en- 
 rolled, but for such a motive. Of the nu- 
 merous allurements of our capital, none cap- 
 tivate the youthful fancy sooner than dra- 
 matic exhibitions. To the theatres I accord- 
 ingly regularly repaired, during my short 
 sojourn in town, and the settled gloominess 
 of my face during a tragedy, my loud laughter 
 and plaudits at an afterpiece, must instantly 
 have pointed me out as a novice or country 
 booby — one who lately 
 
144 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 " Rure extractus in urbe est 
 
 Solos felices viventes claniat in urbe." 
 
 One evening about the close of a very 
 diverting performance, when I was strolling 
 in the lobby before the curtain drew up for 
 th« last time, a rather aged praise-worthy 
 gentleman dressed neatly in a dark coloured 
 suit and powdered wig stepped up and stopped 
 me. 
 
 " I pray Sir,'^ said he, " you will excuse 
 my want of courtesey in asking if your name 
 be Mr. Butler, late of Brazennoze ?^' 
 
 On my answering in the affirmative, the 
 old fellow with all the politeness of a petit 
 maitre drew back a couple of paces and making 
 me a profound bow, whilst his face at the 
 same instant assumed a graver cast, he thus 
 accosted me ; " Then, Sir, you are the happiest 
 and most serviceable of men, and as such 
 accept my sincere congratulations.'^ 
 
 This was followed by another bow, in which 
 the apex of wig was brought nearly parallel 
 to the floor, and a reciprocal flourish of hat 
 which he had gracefully dofled for the occa- 
 sion. It may be supposed I was at a loss 
 
ANTIPATHY. 145 
 
 to comprehend the intent of this mummery, 
 and was on the point of begging some ex- 
 planation, when the old beau, catching the 
 button of my coat, dragged me into a corner, 
 and after looking twice or thrice narrowly 
 about him, spoke as follows : 
 
 " Sir," said he, " I perceive that you are 
 puzzled to conjecture what my self-introduc- 
 tion will lead to, and I have no doubt would 
 be much more so, were you to try and dis- 
 cover the business I am commissioned to un- 
 fold. You will be surprised, Sir, at the pleas- 
 ing intelligence I have the happiness of con- 
 veying to you personally/* 
 
 As the antique here made a pause, I took 
 advantage of this hiatus to express my suit- 
 able acknowledgments ; and requested, if the 
 tidings he was fraught with were of so plea- 
 surable a nature, that he would lose no time in 
 communicating them. 
 
 ^' Certainly, but just ;" rephed he ; and as 
 
 my tidings must prove sweeter than manna in 
 
 the wilderness, I will proceed straightways to 
 
 the point. You know Miss Juhet Stukeley ?^' 
 
 I assured my new acquaintance I had never 
 
 VOL. I. H 
 
146 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 heard of such a divinity, upon which he as- 
 sumed a look of ludicrous astonishment and 
 increduhty; contracted his mouth so as to 
 make it resemble the parsonage of a fowl ; and 
 drew his eyebrows nearly to the top of his mon- 
 key-visaged forehead, which, by the way, was 
 a ^' villainous low one." He then, as if from 
 indignation at my ignorance, twisted his wig 
 a little awry, and gave vent to the word " im- 
 possible," repeating it three times, and rising 
 gradually higher in the scale of emphasis — 
 
 " Not heard of Miss Juliet Stukeley !" at 
 length continued he, ^' nay then, you must be 
 newly arrived in this metropolis. Why, Sir, 
 she is the moon among the planets ! the guinea 
 amongst the copper! the queen-bee amongst 
 the drones of London — her beauty is a juster 
 standard than the Winchester bushel, and 
 passes for as good a proverb as ever proceeded 
 from the sapient Solomon. But to cut short 
 all this,*' said he, coming closer, and whispering 
 in my ear, " she fixed her eyes on you to-night, 
 and I am positive has fallen deeply in love with 
 you. A young collegian in the box, who knows 
 you well, told her your name, and she has 
 
ANTIPATHY. 147 
 
 commanded me at the risk of forfeiting her 
 esteem, to dog and discover you, and if I chuse, 
 to introduce you. You lucky dog, I know what 
 she means by chusing to introduce you. No- 
 thing but an interview can satisfy her — a favour, 
 my friend, for which many a young galliard 
 would give up one of his ears/' 
 
 To this information, so flattering to one's 
 vanity, I of course returned as gallant an im- 
 promptu as possible, and declaring my^satisfac- 
 tiori at so fortunate an adventure, I accepted 
 the old gentleman's arm, who volunteered to 
 introduce me then and there to the peerless 
 Juliet Stukeley. 
 
 My Cicerone of the powdered wig, or Sir 
 Pandarus, as I shall henceforth call him^ now 
 ushered me into a box in which were only three 
 persons. An elderly citizen-looking lady and 
 Miss Stukeley occupied the front seat, whilst 
 behind them sat a cadaverous complexion ed being 
 in black, wjio had much more the appearance of 
 a curate or attorney, than a collegian. I had 
 never seen him before, nor he me, for he took 
 no notice of me, nor indeed did Sir Pandarus 
 
 H 2 
 
148 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 introduce me but to Miss Stukeley and lier 
 chaperone, Mrs. Araby. 
 
 All Sir Pandarus' encomiums on Juliet's 
 beauty had fallen short of its excellence ; for 
 she was indeed pre-eminently handsome. Her 
 small mouthy and soft Asiatic profile were 
 faultless ', but her eyes were death ! dark, full, 
 and dazzling, and yet when she chose moistly 
 chastened. Every glance appeared to be the 
 scintillation of a soul which could love intensely 
 whatever were its powers, and I felt a degree of 
 awe whilst gazing upon her, as if those scru- 
 tinizing eyes were really capable of searching 
 the heart, and reading within its sanctuaries 
 each unuttered motive. In short, excepthig 
 my ever hallowed Eliza, she was the most 
 beautiful woman I had ever beheld, and at first 
 sight of her charms my susceptible heart yielded, 
 and I found that I was a ruined man. But when 
 she smiled 5 when a few kind words melted 
 mellifluously from that small oval mouth, and 
 all the dread artillery of her eyes opened upon 
 me, I felt as if perfect annihilation was rushing 
 upon me 3 I trembled and but for the place, 
 
ANTIPATHY. 149 
 
 had pressed her hand to my lips and sworn 
 myself her slave. 
 
 We were soon lost to everything but our 
 own conversation ; and it appeared that a cousin 
 of her's called Tytler of Oriel's, and an inti- 
 mate friend of mine whilst at the university 
 had pointed me out to her ; he had, however, 
 unaccountably left the house, for which I was 
 not sorry, as it left me completely in possession 
 of my new acquaintance's conversation. The 
 saturnine beau in black seemed to take offence 
 at my familiarity, for he was not long of leaving 
 the box without being at all noticed by Miss 
 Stukeley; and as Mrs. Araby and Sir Pan- 
 darus had fallen into a lengthy discussion 
 about something or other, Juliet and I were 
 left entirely to ourselves. There was a frank- 
 ness and unpretending confidence about her, 
 which rendered her manner indescribably 
 winning ; and in the course of half an hour, I 
 had learnt one half of her history. 
 
 All I need relate of it at present is, that her 
 aunt Mrs. Araby vath whom she dwelt, was 
 equally poor and avaricious, proud and con- 
 temptible ; and that she had set her heart on 
 
150 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Sir Pandarus (who possessed precisely the same 
 quaUties) obtaining possession of her hand. 
 She however declared that his love was far 
 from being anno}dng, as she turned it to all the 
 pm-poses of a footman or fool, without his 
 shallow intellect perceiving it. 
 
 The performance now ended, and she bluntly- 
 declared she would repay the civility of my arm 
 to her carriage by an invitation to a slight re- 
 freshment in their lodgings in Marlborough 
 Street, (for they were only in town for a few 
 days) ; and my head being half addled with 
 ecstasy at this double honour, I stalked proudly 
 off without venturing a look at Sir Pandarus, 
 who I knew must feel the excruciating agonies 
 of the justest jealousy. 
 
 The apartments were splendidly furnished : 
 mirrors more than enough, and plate sufficient 
 to make a Jew's mouth water; but the supper 
 would have been tantalizing to a sportsman's 
 appetite, it consisting only of a few dozen 
 oysters and a lobster, so exceedingly well laid 
 out amongst a handful of parsley, that I could 
 not help thinking what praise it would have 
 elicited from my late dragon, the sick nurse. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 151 
 
 Before we sat down to demolish this spare 
 fare, we were joined by the gentleman in black, 
 and deserted by Mrs. Araby, who, pleading a 
 severe headache, retired to bed. The fish were 
 speedily settled, as also more, which was sent 
 for ; but -when we came to think of drink, lo ! 
 nothing was there but the limpid lotion of the 
 New River Water Works. This, of course, 
 would never do ; and what was to be done ! 
 for although there were many dozens of sherry, 
 champaigne, and claret in the cellar, yet the 
 particular Mrs. Araby was in bed, and to dis- 
 turb her, or even without doing so, to ask her 
 to unlock her cellar at such an hour, would 
 have been as useless as requesting a legacy. 
 
 " Then let us send the footman to the 
 nearest hotel,'' was the suggestion of the gen- 
 tleman in black, and which was warmly se- 
 conded by Sir Pandarus, provided that it met 
 with Miss Stukeley^s approbation. 
 
 After some hesitation as to the propriety of 
 this on Juhet's part, her assent was gained, and 
 all that was now requisite was the circulating 
 medium. Save and except myself, only a few 
 shillings were musterable, but I with officious 
 
152 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 avidity claimed the honour of sending for what- 
 ever was preferred. No sooner had I made 
 this pohte offer, than Sir Pandarus, ringing the 
 bell, and taking my purse out of my hand, 
 ordered the lacquey to fetch two bottles of 
 Sillery and four of Chateau-Margeaux. 
 
 This was quickly supplied, and as quickly 
 finished, to my great surprise, though Miss 
 Stukeley scarcely touched any of it. Another 
 four bottles, on the same terms, entered the 
 room, and, although I was pleased that they did 
 not drive Juhet from our company, I was thun- 
 derstruck at the deep potations which my guests 
 swallowed without apparently experiencing the 
 shghtest intoxication. Sir Pandarus sucked 
 down the champagne with as little prejudice 
 to the few faculties God had given him, as 
 if it had been poured on a hay-rick ; and the 
 parson, attorney, or undertaker (for I never 
 knew which he was) with an unremitting zeal 
 which was backed by the foil of imperturbable 
 gravity, decanted off the claret, bottle after 
 bottle, without once allowing the symptom of 
 a smile to mantle his mealy physiognomy. 
 My head was never one of the strongest, 
 
ANTIPATHY. 153 
 
 and the decorations of the apartment soon 
 began to pousset around me in fantastic va- 
 garies; nor do I remember, very distinctly, 
 what afterwards passed, excepting that Sir 
 Pandarus and his friend left me with Miss 
 Stukeley, I swearing that I would never leave 
 one to whom I renewed over and over again, 
 vows of eternal constancy and love. 
 
 Love is an arduous theme to handle, how- 
 ever skilful and experienced the pen — its re- 
 finements and ebulhtions always critical ; and 
 although Homer with excusable temerity, has 
 not disdained to describe how, 
 
 H CLEQ 'v\popo(pov S^aXajiov cia yovai/cwv, 
 
 yet as I can not compare myself with the 
 peerless Paris, nor was my partner the " KovpU 
 Aioe aiytoxoio I shall not venture to sing, or 
 say aught that may be placed in competition 
 with the blind Mseonides — 
 
 *' Alas ! alas ! that ever love were sin." 
 Or that Miss Stukeley had not been as cold 
 and principled as a Penelope or Pamela ! 
 
 Truly is it written in Job, as Doctor 
 Syntax has so harmoniously paraphrased it — 
 
 H 5 
 
154 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 " As sparks fly upwards to the sky. 
 So is man born to misery." 
 
 How cursedly officious are fate and for- 
 tune, in fishing out the little bliss that is 
 going on in this sublunary world, and then 
 blasting it slap dash ! Glorious Apollo ! what 
 was my horror on being aroused late next 
 morning, from the arms of Morpheus, by an 
 unremitting thunder at the door ; yet above 
 which, a gruff voice was heard distinctly to 
 pronounce " Wife ! July, open the door, and 
 don't keep me standing here all day !" 
 
 This address was answered, not by the wife 
 but a large parrot, who on account of his vo- 
 ciferation had been confined during the night 
 in a closet of the apartment. 
 
 *^ Open the door," cried the husband. 
 
 ^* Go hang, go hang," responded the parrot. 
 
 " Well, I'll break open the door," said the 
 husband, kicking furiously. 
 
 "A pot of beer for Polly — pretty, pretty 
 PoUy." 
 
 " Heavens !'^ ejaculated my dulcinea, who 
 was by this time quite awakened, " It is my 
 
ANTIPATHY. 155 
 
 husband. O 1 what shall we do, we are both 
 undone." 
 
 My only reply was a low groan, whilst my 
 jaws dropped so, that one might have seen 
 the very bottom of my larynx. 
 
 '^ Hey day \" cried Juhet loudly, as if just 
 awakened from her sleep, " this is a pretty 
 coil to be treated with the first thing in the 
 morning ; can you not have patience till I 
 can unlock the door, or do you intend to 
 break the hinges, and at the same time alarm 
 ther whole neighbourhood ?'^ 
 
 Whilst Mr. Stukeley was making some 
 hot reply, Juliet seized me by the arm, 
 " Hush,^' whispered she, " for your life ! Take 
 up all your things quickly, and get into this 
 closet ; I will lock you in, and all will be 
 well." 
 
 This I performed in the twinkling of an 
 eye, to the manifold annoyance of the parrot, 
 who hailed me with an exclamation not un- 
 like the TLOTLo-ih, of Aristophanes, followed up 
 with a " £jo hang, go hang.'^ But this elo- 
 quence of his was instantly cut short by my 
 upsetting him, perch and all, so great a 
 
156 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 hurry was I in to ensconce myself; nor 
 did my own fortunes permit me once to 
 think of affording him any succour in his 
 distress. 
 
 " Patience^ love, patience/^ said Juliet lock- 
 ing me in, " and I will open the door in- 
 stantly.'' 
 
 " Patience !'' grOwled the husband, as she 
 turned the key ; " damnation ! yes an hour's 
 waiting outside my own bed-room door is 
 enough to try a man's patience — humph/' 
 here Mr. Stukeley entered. As he did so, I 
 experienced strange commotions in my duo- 
 denum^ and my teeth chattered like a watch- 
 man's rattle. After some time had elapsed, 
 during' which a good deal of uninteresting con- 
 versation passed between them, I felt curious 
 to obtain a sight of Juliet's husband, more 
 especially, as I had all along imagined her 
 charms to be the legal property of no parti- 
 cular individual. 
 
 To manage this, by a good deal of careful 
 wriggling and manoeuvering, I eventually con- 
 trived to get my head down to the key-hole, 
 through which I was able to see Mr. Stukeley ; 
 
ANTIPATHY. 15? 
 
 nor did his appearance cause the slightest 
 diminution of my terrors. He was a tall, stout 
 young feUow, in a white drab great coat, with 
 a broad brimmed hat ; a cotton shawl wrapped 
 round his neck; his legs secured in coarse 
 leather gaiters or leggings, and in his hand 
 a powerful black thorn stick. He seemed to 
 have just arrived from a journey, and was 
 altogether, in my eyes, as formidable a figure 
 as a man so circumstanced could well meet with. 
 Every tap he gave on the floor with his big 
 stick as he paraded up and down the room, 
 thriUed through my brain, and curdled my blood 
 with apprehensions too horrible to be remem- 
 bered. 
 
 Whilst I was thus warily reconnoitering the 
 enemy, my evil genius, in the shape of the 
 parrot, whom, as before related, I unwittingly 
 upset from his high estate, had, during all 
 this time, been making unsuccessftd attempts 
 to re-instate himself in his wonted pre-emi- 
 nence; but my head and right shoulder, 
 from the position in which I was cramped, 
 were an effectual barrier between him and 
 the object of his ambition. Now whether 
 
158 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 the accursed bird was stung with rage, or 
 only exerted himself with extraordinary vigour, 
 I know not; however, as I continued with 
 my eye applied to the key-hole, the creature 
 pounced upon me, bit that part of the ear which 
 anatomists call the lobulus clean through and 
 through with his crooked bill ; and not ap- 
 peased with the agony he had already put 
 me to, darted one of his talons directly up 
 my right nostril, lacerating its whole lining, 
 or membrana pituitaria with unprecedented 
 barbarity. 
 
 Tliis was more than a hundred Zenos could 
 have borne without flinching. I grasped the 
 harpy by the throat, kicked, yelled and snorted 
 as if I had been upon the rack, and in a 
 moment all was uproar. Juliet screamed — 
 Mr. Stukeley startled up as if a scorpion had 
 just awakened on the seat he occupied, and 
 whilst he flourished wildly his stick as pre- 
 paratory to immediate battle, the closet-door 
 gave way, and out rolled 1 in my shirt, which 
 was literally deluged with blood. 
 
 There is little doubt that the ghastliness of 
 my appearance must have fully equalled its un- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 159 
 
 expectedness, for I observed both husband and 
 wife start, as if they had seen a spectre. I was 
 otherwise too busily engaged to pay attention 
 to the impressiveness of my entree, but still 
 kept compressing the parrot's throat, who now, 
 in the agonies of death, threw his claws in all 
 directions to the detriment of my face, but 
 without ever opening his accursed beak. 
 
 I now got rid of this disagreeable ear-drop ; 
 and Mr. Stukeley demanded, in a peremptory 
 manner, his face being pale with passion, 
 "who I was ? and what the devil — and when — 
 and how the devil I got into his cupboard V 
 
 I made some demur at answering these home 
 thrusts, knowing the only chance of extricat- 
 ing myself from the scrape, in which my guilt 
 could not be questioned, was the concealment 
 of my name, or else a bolt for it. The latter I 
 had an idea of attempting, although in a state 
 of nudity, when a grasp by the collar, and a 
 flourish of the black thorn not difficult of in- 
 terpretation, banished at once every thought of 
 the expediency of ffight, and extorted from me 
 my name, lineage, circumstances, pursuits, and 
 prospects. All this he quickly jotted down on the 
 
160 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 back of an old letter ; and then, turning to 
 his spouse, who sat blubbering, with her face 
 covered in a handkerchief, he thus spoke : — 
 
 " Shame Hght upon you, guilty, ungenerous 
 woman ! Is this a merited return for my 
 kindness and my love ? Have I ever, by 
 treatment or example, deserved so trying an 
 instance of infidehty ? My days, my nights are 
 spent in laborious exertion for the sake of sup- 
 plying you alone with whatever you desire -, 
 and thus in my absence — 'sblood and death '/' 
 here stamping his foot in a whirlwind of rage, 
 " how just," continued he, " would be your 
 deserts, false, faithless wretch, if I now dashed 
 thy brains out, (flourishing his stick) and sent 
 this adulterous caitiff (giving me a shake) to 
 accompany thee on thy hell-bound voyage ?" 
 
 As Mr. Stukeley said this, he gnashed his 
 teeth, and grasped me so tightly by the throat 
 that I was afraid I should share the same fate 
 as his parrot. To such a pitch of anger had he 
 blown himself by the bellows of eloquence, that 
 I was really apprehensive of being severely 
 beaten, if not murdered. My knees, always 
 a little approximating, smote one another ; a 
 
ANTIPATHY. 161 
 
 dew, like that of spring, oozed out of every 
 pore, and I was on the point of falHng down 
 and supjDlicating him to spare my life, when, 
 turning upon me his blood-shot eyes, he thus 
 spoke with winged words : — 
 
 " Do not imagine. Sir, that you shall 
 with impunity trespass upon my honour. No ! 
 I swear by the holy evangelists, though thou 
 were the son of King George himself, I will 
 hold thee up as an awful example to the profli- 
 gate — a propitiation to an injured husband's 
 vengeance !'^ 
 
 Here, having no means of defence, I fell 
 tottering on my knees, and adjured him by 
 everything sacred, not to let fall upon me the 
 whole measure of his indignation (of which, by 
 the way, I feared considerably his walking 
 stick) . 
 
 " True,'' said I, " I deserve it ; but, believe 
 me, my injuring you was as far from my heart 
 as the pit of darkness. Pity my inexperience 
 and ignorance. My passage to India is taken ; 
 do not as you may, ruin simultaneously my 
 character and prospects." I wound up this inco- 
 
162 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 herent petition, by declaring, " that I should be 
 sincerely happy, as well as for ever beholden to 
 him, if he would allow me to seal my penitence 
 by any adequate reparation in my power. 
 
 Mr. Stukeley seemed much mollified by this 
 part of my peroration, and, after a pause of 
 thoughtfulness, softening his harshness of voice 
 and sternness of eye, he thus answered — 
 
 " I see," said he " you are but a giddy 
 young man, — one ignorant of the dangers and 
 villanies of the metropolis, though at first, 
 from the irreparable wrong you have done me, 
 I thought otherwise. From what has occurred, 
 it is certainly much in my power to hinder your 
 views in life, and to punish your purse, as well 
 as character. Consider, Sir, the consequences 
 of a crim. con, prosecution. But God forbid ! 
 God forbid I should be too inflexible, too hard 
 to deal with ! For your sake, as much as mine 
 own, I will pass over this irremediable blow ; 
 but these shall be the conditions : and do you 
 (addressing his wife), listen to them with atten- 
 tion. I am Sir a poor man, and cannot afford 
 a separate maintenance to this woman, although 
 
ANTIPATHY. 163 
 
 such a step, or a divorce, is indispensable ; and 
 but for the consideration of your character, I 
 should prefer the latter measure. As matters 
 are, thus must they stand : in a word, give me 
 Sir a hundred guineas, so that this jade, this 
 harlot (here Juliet wept bitterly) may be no 
 longer a burden upon me, and I wipe the re- 
 membrance, both of this transaction and her 
 for ever from my heart. But there is another 
 condition I must and wiU annex, namely, that 
 whatever may have passed this night shall 
 never escape your lips ; for if once I hear the 
 wounded honour of my house whispered abroad, 
 you only can be the promulgator of my shame ; 
 and though years roll away, 1 may hereafter 
 meet you, and deeply, deeply will I revenge 
 your breach of secrecy." 
 
 All this I joyfully assented to, and it being 
 near ten o'clock in the morning, after the very 
 necessary ablutions on my part, I dressed, stuck 
 some half dozen patches of gold beater's skin 
 on my wounds, and accompanied by Mr. 
 Stukeley, proceeded to the house of Coutts 
 and Co. in the Strand, where I made over to 
 him the hundred pieces. These he pocketed 
 
164 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 with vast satisfation, and we parted, mutually- 
 gratified — I at having got out of so ugly a 
 scrape ; he at having managed to shear so rich 
 a fleece from the back of an egregious jackass. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 165 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 " Prosper you, sweet Sir. Your purse is not hot 
 enough to purchase your spice, I'll be with you at your 
 sheep shearing too : if I make not this cheat bring out 
 another, and the shearers prove sheep, let me be enrolled, 
 and my name put into the book of virtue." — Winter's 
 Tale, 
 
 Shortly after parting thus freely with my 
 funds, I began to suspect that I had fallen into 
 the hands of a knot of sharpers, or at least that 
 Mrs. Stukeley, despite all her tears and protes- 
 tations, had .been at the bottom of the snare. 
 To satisfy myself on this point, I again visited 
 the theatre, and to my surprise beheld Miss 
 Juliet and Mrs. Araby occupying exactly the 
 very same box they had done during my in- 
 troduction ; the former flirting vigourously with 
 two or three young beaux. 
 
166 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 With bitter internal upbraidings and shame 
 at my unaccountable gullibility, I turned away 
 with disgust from the door through which I had 
 taken my observations, when whom should I 
 meet but Sir Pandarus. He did not appear 
 at all anxious to recognise me, but on my step- 
 ping up and catching him by the coat, he 
 saluted me cordially and with an appearance of 
 satisfaction. I instantly told him with a so- 
 lemn look that I had something of importance 
 to acquaint him with, and begged the pleasure 
 of his company to supper. 
 
 "• Tr^s-bien r exclaimed he, " but have you 
 cash ? (clapping his breeches pockets) for I 
 protest I am without a sou having before 
 hand fully determined on being home betimes." 
 
 On my assuring him that I had quite suffi- 
 cient to pay for supper, he without saying 
 another syllable thrust his arm within mine, 
 and off we marched to a tavern not very 
 far from the former scene of our carouse. 
 Whilst on the road I did not fail to upbraid 
 him severely for having introduced me to 
 Juliet as an unmarried lady, and told him 
 every particular of my late adventure in open 
 defiance of Mr. Stukeley's prohibition. When 
 
ANTIPATHY. 167 
 
 I had finished. Sir Pandarus laughed so loud 
 and long, that every person near us in the 
 street thought him drunk. 
 
 " As a joke, and at Juhet^s request," said 
 he, " I introduced you to her ; but never in 
 any other light than that of being a beauty, 
 — and a good joke it was — and a good supper 
 at your expense too, if I remember was the 
 consequence — But how much did Ned — he — 
 Mr. Stukeley I mean, spoon you out of r" 
 
 " Spoon me out of! — One hundred sove- 
 reigns in cash Sir Pandarus, was the remune- 
 ration I made him.^' 
 
 " One hundred sovereigns ! — is it possible ! 
 ha ! ha ! a hundred sovereigns remuneration ? 
 a good term — a new term — and long ; but me- 
 thinks you will stand in need of a longish 
 purse, if you do not quickly eject it from 
 your vocabulary. One hundred sovereigns 
 re-mu-ne-ra-tion ! Why a few long-legged vo- 
 cables like that would ruin the Bank. Ha ! 
 ha ! and yet depend upon it you mistake the 
 value of the word ; for if I recollect. Costard 
 in the play says it is only worth three far- 
 things. ' Remuneration, oh,' says he, ' that 
 
168 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 is the Latin for three farthings. Why it is 
 a fairer name than the French crown." 
 
 Here Sir Pandarus indulged in another 
 hearty cachination at my expence. 
 
 " Why, good Sir, you appear exceedingly 
 tickled by my story, and I am at a loss to 
 conceive why you should talk so lightly of 
 the restitution which I made an injured hus- 
 band,^' 
 
 " Restitution ! by St. Gingo, another good 
 expression, a racy expression ! why my young 
 friend, the cause of my merriment is simply 
 this; that the fair Juliet, (Mrs. Stukeley I mean,) 
 is with all due deference to your tender feel- 
 ings, the most notorious jade — and yourself, 
 perhaps, the greatest gull in London city." 
 
 1 started, and it was some time before I 
 found sufficient courage to proceed. 
 
 " As regards myself," said I, " I am silent. 
 But pardon me Sir Pandarus, the scene 
 which passed betwixt Mrs. Stukeley and her 
 husband, must partially refute the imputa- 
 tion of her being utterly degraded ; and yet 
 when I think of her behaviour this very evening 
 in the theatre, after my own j)^^ liaison, there 
 
ANTIPATHY. 169 
 
 are certainly no less positive proofs of her 
 want of principle/' 
 
 " O thou pre-eminently wonderful green- 
 horn ! — Husband ! and did Ned, did he so per- 
 fectly impose upon you, as to make you even 
 believe that he was Juliet's husband ?" 
 
 "^ I don't know whom you mean by Ned; 
 but Mr. Stukeley as I told you, came home — 
 entered suddenly the room, and unfortunately, 
 through the abominable poll parrot " 
 
 " You were discovered,^^ said Sir Pandarus, 
 interrupting me ; " ha, ha ! well as I know 
 London, this device surpasses all I have ever 
 yet heard or seen. The man, Mr. Butler, who 
 palmed himself upon you as Mr. Stukeley, was 
 a sharper, and the blackguard has been lucky 
 enough to succeed in a most barefaced impos- 
 ture by Juliet's co-operation. Depend upon it, 
 Sir, I speak nothing more than what I know, 
 nor am I likely to deceive one so inexpe- 
 rienced. Juliet never was, nor is likely to be, 
 married." 
 
 " What P' exclaimed I, the whole scheme of 
 which 1 had been the dupe now opening itself 
 to my eyes ; " Juliet not married, not Mrs. 
 
 VOL. I. I 
 
170 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Stukeley ! Heavens ! what a dolt, what a silly 
 beast was I to be so imposed upon ! my money 
 all gone, from being overreached by a rascal and 
 his infamous associate !'' 
 
 " Exactly as you say,'^ replied Sir Pandarus, 
 '' and yet, knowing the parties and their abode, 
 I have a plan in my head which comprehends 
 both revenge and restitution, I think that was 
 the last long word you used." 
 
 " A plan to recover me my hundred sove- 
 reigns ?" 
 
 " Yes, if it prosper, as there is every chance 
 of its doing/* 
 
 " I will go through fire and water for them," 
 cried I, " and be able to have a slap at that 
 white-coated thief — a knave ! a whitened se- 
 pulchre ! — yes, I'll show him,'^ continued I. 
 boasting, " I'll show him, in spite of his un- 
 pleasing stick — that beam which would not 
 have disgraced the hands of a Corybates — I'U 
 show him what it is to swindle me !" 
 
 By such gasconading as this, and the swallow- 
 ing a quantity of hot punch, I worked the barm 
 of my bravery up to such .a pitch, as leavened 
 my soul to feats truly darings nor would I that 
 instant have refused to have gone forth armed 
 
ANTIPATHY. I7l 
 
 only with a sling and a smooth pebble, and 
 have given battle to the pseudo Mr. Stukeley 
 and his weaver's beam. 
 
 Sir Pandarus having thrice replenished his 
 reeking rummer, and again impressed upon my 
 mind the unquestionable fact of my having been 
 swindled out of the cash by artifices planned 
 and executed by a professed pickpocket, de- 
 clared his scheme of recovery to be as follows. 
 In the first place, I was to furnish myself with 
 the baton and costume of a constable, and pro- 
 vide fictitious warrants for the apprehension of 
 Juliet Stukeley and Edward Jackson, alias 
 Stukeley. 
 
 Sir Pandarus being at the same time rigged 
 out as a grave and venerable citizen, was to 
 conduct me to the domicile, and then, my face 
 being disguised, he had little doubt but my 
 baton and assumed authority would frighten 
 them into a restitution of part, if not the 
 whole of their ill-earned treasure. 
 
 This plan seemed practicable enough, and 
 there being no time to lose as I intended start- 
 ing on the morrow about four o'clock for the 
 Lower Hope where the Indiaman, in which my 
 
 I 2 
 
172 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 passage was taken then lay, I willingly agreed 
 to meet my companion early next morning at 
 the same tavern. 
 
 We accordingly started to make ready, and I 
 betimes next morning provided myself at a 
 pawnbroker's shop with the caduceus and every 
 other necessary equipment of a legal Mercury, 
 and thus apparelled proceeded with all expedi- 
 tion to the appointed rendezvous. Sir Pan- 
 dams was, however, there before me, arrayed 
 in the garb of a venerable money lender, with a 
 white beard, fabricated, as he told me, out of 
 the tail of his son^s hobby horse. 
 
 After quaffing a bottle of port, which this 
 reverend citizen declared essential to the pros- 
 perity of our undertaking, we steered direct for 
 the lodgings of Mr. Edward Jackson. 
 
 I knew but httle of the topography of Lon- 
 don, and though Sir Pandarus affirmed that he 
 had taken me a short cut, he led me through so 
 many alleys and bye-streets that I thought there 
 never would have been any end to it. At 
 length we arrived at the door of Mr. Jackson's 
 lodgings, and being instantly admitted as friends 
 on business, we were ushered by an old one- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 173 
 
 eyed sybil, who opened the door, into a parlour 
 in which were seated Juliet and her soi-disant 
 husband. 
 
 " Now for it V* whispered Sir Pandarus, and 
 whipping out my baton and warrant, I, without 
 much fear of being recognised, as my features 
 were completely disfigured with burnt cork and 
 walnut juice, touched Mr. Edward in an autho- 
 ritative manner on the shoulder, and pro- 
 nouncing as naturally as possible '' in the 
 King's name," exhibited my warrant for his 
 apprehension. 
 
 The only reply, however, which Mr. Jackson 
 condescended to make was unceremonious 
 enough, for snatching up a ponderous boot-jack, 
 and bawling out ^' a baihfF! a bailiif— a bum, 
 a bum !" he smote me so ungraciously athwart 
 my painted visage, that I, baton, and warrant 
 rolled from one end of the room to the other. 
 Resistance I might certainly have expected from 
 Mr. Jackson, nor did his vigorous defence, 
 therefore, excite in me much surprise; but 
 how unspeakable was my astonishment and 
 dismay, on seeing Sir Pandarus seize on an old 
 mopstick, and re-echoing " A bailiff, a bum— a 
 
174 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 bum !" commence belabouring me most un- 
 mercifully. This was a thing I as little ex- 
 pected as Julius Caesar did to find Brutus one 
 of his assassins ; and conscious that there was 
 treachery in the case^ I began to be fearful for 
 my life. My rage burned particularly against 
 the punica fides of Sir Pandarus, and even in 
 this state of perplexity and prostration, the 
 lines of Shakspeare entered my mind : 
 
 there^s no art 
 
 To find the mind's construction in the face 
 He was a gentleman on whom I built 
 An absolute trust.'* 
 
 In a paroxysm of despair, I now snatched 
 up a brass candlestick which providentially 
 stood within my reach, and rushing in like a 
 baited wild boar upon Sir Pandarus, I bestowed 
 such a lucky salvo on his yellow chops and 
 hobby horse beard, that he instantly fell as if the 
 apoplexy had bufFetted him. One of the enemy 
 was now hors de combat, and had 1 pressed vi- 
 gorously forward, the candlestick might fortui- 
 tously have vanquished the boot-jack ; but how 
 many a victory has there been lost by dilatory 
 
ANTIPATHY. 175 
 
 measures, and from thence consequences the 
 most disastrous arisen ! See for instance the 
 case of Pompey, who had he engaged Caesar on 
 his first landing in Illyria, instead of reinforcing 
 his arms by acting long on the defensive, had 
 probably by one decisive blow terminated the 
 struggle — emancipated the overpressed com- 
 monwealth, and saved the lives of thousands 
 with his own. To what must we ascribe the 
 laurels of Waterloo, but skill and fortitude, 
 backed by the sternest decision ? 
 
 Seeing Sir Pandarus extended, with his feet 
 resting passively on the overturned fender, 
 and his face suifused with blood, I imagined 
 that I had fairly done his business, and felt all 
 the horrors of a first murder staring me in the 
 face. I gazed for a moment upon him, and 
 clasping my hands together in sorrowful horror, 
 let fall my candlestick. The upshot was some- 
 thing like the crow parting with her cheese ; 
 for, in a twinkhng the boot-jack came again 
 into play, and a couple of well-dealt blows 
 placed me insensible by the side of Sir Panda- 
 rus. I remember nothing more of the melee ; 
 
176 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 when restored to my senses, I found myself 
 stretched on a couch, in the identical tavern 
 where I had met my treacherous confidant ; my 
 pockets were turned inside out — my watch a 
 valuable repeater (which had been my father's) 
 was gone ; my head ached dreadfully from the 
 contusions it had received, and my clothes re- 
 sembled more a man of straw than any chris- 
 tian's. Around me was a crowd of servants and 
 waiters, with water, brandy, hartshorn, and 
 burnt feathers, whilst a solemn physician in 
 black declared bleeding was your only remedy 
 in such cases. This operation he accordingly 
 performed, and in a very clumsy manner, dis- 
 guising his ignorance under the hard terms of 
 phlebotomy, venesection, &c. ; and declaring 
 that there was no chance of an ecchymosis 
 forming under the cellular membrane. 
 
 To my enquiries as to how I had got there, the 
 head waiter replied, that I had been discovered 
 lying to all appearance dead, in a neighbouring 
 lane, and was brought on a shutter to their house, 
 it being the nearest pubhc one ', that I had lain 
 for nearly five minutes insensible, but the me- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 177 
 
 dical gentleman who attended said, there was 
 no danger; and that I only required venesec- 
 tion and a little rest. 
 
 To satisfy their curiosity which was highly 
 roused, I in turn, gave them a brief history of 
 my adventures and discomfiture, which afforded 
 them much mirth, though they unanimously 
 agreed that steps ought to be adopted for se- 
 curing the whole gang of thieves, for such from 
 my description they were well known to be. 
 ^' Nothing," I said, " could give me greater satis- 
 faction than to hear of their being delivered into 
 the hands of justice, but it was indispensably 
 necessary for me to return home, (weak as I 
 was,) in order to prepare for my departure ; 
 otherwise to add to my other misfortunes I 
 should risk losing my passage.'* Accordingly, 
 notwithstanding the advice and wishes of the 
 phlebotomist, host and servants to the contrary, 
 I ordered a hackney coach from a neighbouring 
 stand, and taking with me one of the waiters 
 in order to settle the expenses incurred, I bad 
 a long adieu to the host and his myrmidons, 
 and drove to my lodgings. 
 
 I verily believe there are some Carbon as well 
 
 I 5 
 
178 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 as Cretan days in one's life, on which nothing 
 can turn out prosperously — days of gloomy 
 crosses. This was certainly one of mine ; it 
 was a Friday, and like some other great charac- 
 ters, I have ever since had an aversion to the 
 day, nor ever commence if possible any under- 
 taking of importance upon a Friday ; but I re- 
 peat, that this day must have been scored with jet 
 in the calendar of my destinies, for the jingling 
 piece of ill-construction called a coach, with its 
 rips of horses, which were the only proofs I 
 have yet seen of the possibility of total wretch- 
 edness being coupled with existence — these 
 melancholies had not rumbled their groaning 
 companion further than a couple of streets, 
 before a disobedience of the tiller ropes caused 
 it to run foul of an empty dray. The machine 
 had stood a great deal, but this was too much 
 for it, and it capsized — went instantly to ruin, and 
 the horses fell, one of them never more to rise, 
 for nature was too compassionate to rally itself 
 again into a state of such utter misery and drud- 
 gery. Meanwhile I went spinning plump upon 
 an oystermonger's table, which with all its para- 
 phernaha of shells, cruets and pepper-boxes. 
 
ANTIPATHY. Ij9 
 
 was in a trice demolished, nor were the extra 
 bruises I got by this new calamity more than 
 trifling when compared with the damage my 
 ears sustained from the claws and curses of 
 the splay-footed sybil, whose sacred person 
 and tripod I thus unintentionally profaned. 
 Though weak from the operation of phlebo- 
 tomy, I managed to gather myself up, and 
 crawled home, with the assistance of the waiter, 
 leaving the Pythoness and modern Phaeton to 
 accommodate matters betwixt them. 
 
 The latter I have no doubt, was obliged to 
 sacrifice a propitiatory upi^y eKaTOfx^rjv of shell- 
 fish, for the priestess seemed inspired with a 
 lofty idea of her peculiar rights, and not likely 
 to permit herself to be slighted, however par- 
 tially. It was after all this, as I turned into my 
 lodgings, with my bailiflfs' blue coat minus a tail, 
 and the rest of it depending in tatters from 
 my shoulders — my purse gutted — my gold re- 
 peater gone — my head and face broken — my 
 bones aching with the upset and drubbing I 
 had gotten — my ears tingling with the curses 
 and scratches of she of the tripod — my arm 
 stiiF and bandaged from the phlebotomizer's 
 
180 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 ancet, it was then in the fury and vexation of 
 my spirit, that I hfted up my voice, and cursed 
 London, and every living and creeping thing 
 which crawleth where her " reeking, smoking, 
 cauldron simmers." 
 
ANTIPATHY. 181 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 " Son, think not thy money, purse bottom to burn, 
 But keep it for profit to serve thine own turn : 
 A fool and his money be soon at debate. 
 Which after with sorrow repents him too late." — 
 
 Tusser, 
 
 Although faint and considerably out of hu- 
 mour at the doctoring I had undergone, I had 
 still a much more bitter pill to swaUow. After 
 sleeping about thirteen hours without once 
 waking, this was presented to me, in the reflec- 
 tion that saving a letter of credit for one hun- 
 dred pounds on a banker in Calcutta, I had 
 not now a farthing in the world. 
 
 I have more than once been such an ass^ as 
 
182 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 to lose all my money at play, so as to have 
 been put to immediate inconvenience, even for 
 a paltry sum ; but never in my life felt I so 
 awfully the want of that universal momentum 
 (money,) as on the present occasion. 
 
 What could I possibly do ? for, besides my 
 bill to my landlady, which ought to be settled 
 on Saturday, some exj^ense would naturally be 
 incurred in getting to the vessel ? I had 
 scarcely twenty-four hours to manage matters, 
 for the ship was positively to sail on the fol- 
 lowing day, and to obtain any remittance from 
 my uncle in that time was impossible, suppos- 
 ins: even that he should be inclined to assist me, 
 which I very much doubted. I then thought 
 of pawning some of my things, forgetting on 
 the moment, that these had already been sent 
 onboard by my outfitters. In this quandary there 
 was but one expedient left, which was to call on 
 the banking house from which I had obtained 
 my letter of credit, explain my situation, and if 
 possible obtain an advance. 
 
 This plan quieted my agitation, and as it 
 was past bank hours for that day, I determined 
 on putting it in execution the next ; but my 
 
ANTIPATHY. 183 
 
 horror and agitation may be guessed, when 
 I remembered that the morrow was actually the 
 blessed sabbath. 
 
 No sooner did this awful truth present itself, 
 than I started up in such a fit of fury, that I 
 was fit for letting fly some extravagant ebulli- 
 tion on any person or thing. George the Second 
 used to vent his rage, and thereby wonderfully 
 relieve himself by kicking his wigs, or Whigs, 
 (for I have seen the words pelt both ways) and 
 a lucky man was he to possess so agreeable 
 a panacea for passion. I myself have found a 
 certain indescribable solace in similar extra- 
 vagance. 
 
 Nothino^ for instance crives me more relief than 
 to curse emphatically, and kick (gingerly) the 
 stone against which I have unluckily stumbled 
 and flattened my best toe-nail; or bruised my 
 invaluable corn, and after hurting myself with 
 a hammer, or any other tool, I invariably dash it 
 on the ground, as if it were capable of feeling my 
 fury; whils-t to cut down and utterly exterminate 
 a host of nettles, by one of which I had been 
 stung, is one of the earliest instances of inani- 
 mate revenge, which my memory can recall. 
 
184 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 On the present occasion, the unfortunate 
 letter of credit was the expiatory victim of my 
 anger and chagrin. I crumpledit, twisted it, folded 
 it, rolled it, screwed it, squared it, threw it on 
 the floor, and then kicked it about the room 
 with all the petulance of a spoiled nursery 
 child ; bestowing at the same time innumera- 
 ble curses on my own folly and the rascality of 
 the wretches who had reduced me to such a 
 dilemma. Nor blush I to say, did the blessed 
 institution of the peaceful sabbath escape the 
 torrent of blasphemy which rolled from my 
 impious tongue. 
 
 After I had thus played the fool for some 
 time, my senses returned to me ; and in much 
 such a mood as has caused many a wretch to 
 throw herself into the river, I took my hat, 
 and strolled out without any design, motive or 
 money, but merely to assuage the exacerbations 
 of remorse by bodily motion. 
 
 I rambled about like a troubled spirit, or an 
 industrious packman ; I was here, there, and 
 everywhere. Sometimes I found myself push- 
 ing along at the pace of a suddenly summoned 
 accoucheur 3 and again standing for half an 
 
ANTIPATHY. 185 
 
 hour like a bumpkin gazing at a window filled 
 with comical caricatures, without one smile on 
 my features, or a single apprehension in my 
 head of having my pockets picked by any of 
 the fools or knaves, who jostled around me. 
 
 At length I found myself in Lambeth, though 
 God knows how I had got there, or where I had 
 crossed the river ; but there I had managed to 
 get, and being by this time pretty well tired, I 
 sat myself down on a bench, betwixt the river 
 and the sacerdotal palace, and endeavoured to 
 anatomize if I could not dispel the melan- 
 choly and grisly reflections by which I was 
 beset. 
 
 " Pshaw 1^' exclaimed I, -(Hot internally, as 
 some good story-tellers say folks can do,) but 
 audibly and distinctly, for there was no one 
 by — " pshaw ! why should a rational creature 
 fret and fume so much about a httle money ? 
 'Tis trash — 'tis yours — 'tis mine — ^^tis any one's. 
 What profits it whether one be rich or poor, 
 provided that the thread of life which must 
 run out be smoothed by the few necessaries of 
 existence ? — Which, as regards yesterday, is 
 richer the beggar or the peer ? — ^both have eaten. 
 
 4 
 
186 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 both have drunk^ both have slept, both perhaps, 
 have knelt before the throne of that descriminat- 
 ing Deity who bestowed upon the one gold, and 
 the other tatters, but who accompanied these 
 boons with the decree that both are clay, and 
 shall to clay return. C'est egal! Who knows 
 but that same Providence may be the true king 
 of the beggars, and humble as effectually those 
 who now gorge themselves with pride and 
 luxury, as he will honour and provide for the 
 needy and oppressed ; and yet, why should he 
 do so, since the beggar would gladly be rich, 
 and when so would certainly become luxurious 
 and intolerant, and a despiser of his former 
 order ? — 'Tis mysterious,^' continued I, " and 
 proves either that riches and rags are on a par, 
 or else, that things may be reversed in time to 
 come. True happiness hinges on a proper 
 
 bridling of the mind '^ 
 
 Here I was cut short by a humble and 
 hollow voice, requesting me to buy a walking 
 stick, whilst the vender, w^io had stolen un- 
 perceived upon my meditations, offered me one 
 from his little bundle. 
 
 Poverty never appears so odious and forbid- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 187 
 
 ding, as in the eyes of one flushed with newly 
 acquired wealth, nor so piteous as to him who 
 has just made his acquaintance with misfor- 
 tune ; I have moreover, observed through life, 
 that the poor are the most benevolent, for they 
 have many brothers. 
 
 In another temper, or in other circumstances, 
 I might churlishly have mantled my compas- 
 sion in my bosom, and given this person who 
 was a wretched creature a gruff refusal ; but as 
 things were, I happened to do so somewhat 
 courteously. This emboldened him to renew 
 his solicitations, which he finished by saying, 
 1 might have my choice for three-pence, which 
 was as low a price as afforded him any profit. 
 I now raised my eyes for the first time to re- 
 primand one who was annoyingly importunate, 
 when the wretched woe-begone appearance of 
 the figure disarmed me entirely of all resent- 
 ment. He was tall, in spite of a stoop which 
 habit and not age had given him, and had been 
 stout, but the flesh had fallen away from his 
 strong bones in such a manner, that his ragged 
 surtout evidently made for a much smaller 
 man, was actually too large for him; for al- 
 
188 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 though his long lank hands projected half a 
 foot from its sleeves, the body appeared to hang 
 upon something of the shape and thickness of 
 a school-boys' slate. That this was occasioned 
 more by hunger than disease was apparent to 
 any capacity; for famine was stamped with 
 an iron-die upon his features, which looked as 
 if they had never known peace." 
 
 " Poor wretch !" thought I, casting my eye 
 from this withered kernel of a man to the 
 princely prelatical pile before me, " what fate or 
 folly can have plunged thee thus deeply in mi- 
 sery ?" — and whilst this and other reflections 
 shot across my mind, the emaciated creature 
 stood holding a cane with a look of patient 
 anxiety for my custom. 
 
 " I have no money,^' said I. 
 
 He sighed, and shaking gently his head, as 
 if doubtful of the truth of an often experienced 
 excuse, turned away, without speaking, in a 
 dejected but respectful manner. 
 
 " I assure you," continued I, anxious to con- 
 vince him of the truth of what I said, " I have 
 not a farthing in my pocket, otherwise I might 
 have purchased one." 
 
ANTIPATHY. 189 
 
 " WeW, your honour will perhaps allow me 
 to trust you ?" said he, turning back and again 
 presenting me with the parcel for selection, " I 
 feel assured that you are a gentleman, and the 
 next time you are in this quarter may remember 
 the trifle. I am ashamed to beg, though God 
 knows this only means I have for getting food for 
 a wife and family is but little better. Many a 
 time Sir, we have hard shifts for finding a 
 little bread." 
 
 " A wife and family !" replied I, assuming an 
 indifference of manner ; " Can they not work ?" 
 " Alas, Sir, they are small children, the 
 eldest of three being but four years old. My 
 wife, heaven bless her ! would work her fingers 
 off for their sake, were work to be found ; and 
 when our affairs were a little prosperous she 
 managed to get up a little weekly washing, but 
 now we are become so poor that nobody will 
 trust us with their linen — but, indeed, what can 
 poverty expect but to be suspected and des- 
 pised? Oh, Sir, we are a wretched family !" 
 
 As the poor fellow uttered these last words, 
 he let fall his bundle of sticks as if for the 
 purpose of arranging them, though his real mo- 
 tive was to hang his head over them in such a 
 
190 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 manner as to conceal the emotions of a broken 
 heart. 
 
 I confess that I began to feel an interest in this 
 poor person's history, for his grief was genuine; 
 there being none of that canting, whining, 
 hypocrisy, which disgusts so nauseatingly and 
 does more than brazen-faced impudence to 
 fasten the purse strings of the charitable. The 
 iron of misery had not only entered his breast, 
 but left there its indelible rust, and though I 
 desired to gratify my curiosity I resolved not 
 to show him that it proceeded from any feeling 
 of compassion. How often are we ashamed of 
 the heart's honesty ! I therefore bluntly asked 
 him whether he had always been a stick vender ? 
 " Your honour," answered he, " is, I think, 
 the only gentleman who ever thought it worth 
 his while to make any enquiries about such a 
 wretched being as I am ; and as my history is 
 one of continued misfortune, I shall only tell 
 you, that I was six years a footman in a very 
 respectable family which must be nameless, 
 when it was my blessing or my misfortune to 
 fall in love with one of the young ladies. She 
 eloped with me, and is now my wife ; and if 
 there be an angel upon earth she is one, for 
 
ANTIPATHY. 191 
 
 although, Sir, want and distress have been her 
 constant companions for the last five years, one 
 word of reproach, or one regret at the fatal step 
 which at my suggestion she took, has never 
 escaped her Ups. She is as patient as affec- 
 tionate ; and you may imagine how my heart 
 must bleed within me when I reflect, to what I 
 have brought so kind hearted a creature, or sit 
 and see her and her helpless babes without 
 a sufficient meal, though I myself, unknown to 
 them, have oft gone dinnerless to increase their 
 store." 
 
 " Alack a day ?' cried I, " how came you to 
 fall so suddenly in the world ?" 
 
 " Tis briefly told. Sir. The first thing we 
 did after our marriage, was to take a small farm, 
 which I managed to stock with the savings of 
 my wages and the little money and jewels 
 which my wife possessed. We had not been in 
 this three years before we were ruined^ not from 
 any extravagance or want of industry on our 
 parts, for myself or poor wife were never idle, 
 but a repeated failure of crops, with other bad 
 fortune, backed by a harsh, illiberal landlord. I 
 
192 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 then with a few pounds, (the wreck of my little 
 fortune,) came to town, expecting to obtain a 
 situation as coachman, but could give no refe- 
 rence for a character (as it may be supposed I 
 would not refer any one to my former master), 
 and the consequence was, that I was disappoint- 
 ed. We have since then sunk deeper and deeper 
 in distress, till, as a last resource, I hawk about 
 these sticks for a wholesale dealer, getting a half- 
 penny profit on each one I dispose of. By this 
 means I have, with industry and much self- 
 denial, been as yet able to keep my family 
 from the workhouse, — ^but I tire your Honour's 
 patience — take your choice, Sir; it will give 
 you satisfaction, and as respects the price, I 
 feel no uneasiness." 
 
 More for the sake of being induced to return 
 and give this unfortunate wretch a shilling, than 
 from any fancy I had taken to his stock, I was 
 selecting an ash plant, when I heard my name 
 pronounced by one of three fashionably dressed 
 young men who were passing. I immediately 
 discovered one of these, who indeed had 
 already come forward to embrace me, to be my 
 
ANTIPATHY. v 193 
 
 intimate college friend, Dick Foster ; and great 
 was his surprise at finding me in such a situa- 
 tion. 
 
 " Well," said Foster, taking my arm, " you 
 are a pretty fellow to be in town without giving 
 me a call, or letting me even know where you 
 hang out ; but indeed, after writing you twice 
 without receiving any reply, I had given you up 
 altogether, beheving that you must have left 
 England." 
 
 " You had every right to think so,'^ answered 
 I, " for I hope you will never do me the in- 
 justice to attribute my silence to a want of 
 friendship ; I have however, been involved in 
 several disagreeable affairs, which absorbed too 
 much of my attention from my friends; and in- 
 deed, I may say that at this moment I am the 
 most unfortunate of human beings — unless, 
 perhaps, it be the miserable wretch from whom 
 I purchased this walking-stick.^' 
 
 Foster was very much surprised at this de- 
 claration, and begged I would explain myself, 
 which I did, informing him most particularly of 
 every misfortune which had befallen me since 
 my arrival in town, and my present embarrassed 
 
 VOL. I. K 
 
194 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 situation. My friend, whose spirits compared 
 with the generality of the world were somewhat 
 overproof, instead of pitying or condoling with 
 me, laughed most immoderately at the narra- 
 tion, declaring it one of the most interesting 
 series of adventures he had ever heard ; he 
 concluded by saying, after he had taken leave 
 of the other gentlemen — 
 
 ^' I must hear every particular about this 
 inimitable plot by which you were bamboozled 
 out of your money, so come and take a beef 
 steak with me, and I will endeavour to raise 
 for you as much as will place you out of all 
 difficulty, and take you to your ship, were she 
 even as far as Portsmouth." 
 
 " My dear fellow,'^ said I, '' this is greater 
 kindness than I had any reason to expect, and 
 I shall never forget it." 
 
 " Do not mention it ; for the truth is, you 
 could not have stumbled upon me in a more 
 propitious time, for I received a few days ago 
 a draft for a hundred and fifty pounds from 
 Old Gospel in order to purchase a par- 
 ticiilar horse that is to be sold by auction on 
 Monday." 
 
ANTIPATHY. 195 
 
 " I beg," cried I, " that you will not in- 
 convenience yourself or father on my account;" 
 for by the irreverent appellation of Old Gospel 
 it must be known that he meant his father, who 
 was a fox-hunting member of the priesthood. 
 
 " Leave that to me, Butler,^' replied Foster, 
 " you may depend upon it I have long ago 
 fully determined that my worthy Sire shall not 
 see a hoof's paring of the animal in question ; 
 he has already enough for all his purposes, and 
 more than what is good for his fortune or my 
 l^rospects ; so, you see, when a God-send like 
 this does fall in the way, 'twould be folly in me 
 to refuse it, since it would otherwise find its 
 way into the pocket of some jockey or horse 
 dealer. But, come along, let us to our steak, 
 and see if I cannot put you into better 
 spirits." 
 
 Foster of whom I shall have more to say 
 hereafter, was as open-hearted and honourable 
 a fellow as ever hved, and although the present 
 appropriation of his fathei-^s funds may place 
 him in a different light, I was convinced (as it 
 afterwards proved to be) that he had some jus- 
 tification for spending the money, and that from 
 
 K 2 
 
196 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 his father's being a very thoughtless extra- 
 vagant man, his son's allowance was probably 
 in arrears when he had taken this opportunity 
 of paying himself. 
 
 We now arrived at Foster's lodgings, which 
 were in the vicinity of Lincoln's Inn, where he 
 was keeping his terms, and after an indifferent 
 steak, we sat ourselves down to discuss a tole- 
 rable bottle of port wine, and talk over many 
 mad college pranks, in conjunction with which 
 we canvassed the characters of all our friends. 
 
 It was near midnight before I took my leave, 
 but not without obtaining a loan of ten pounds 
 from my friend, for which I gave him a draft 
 on my uncle, making him promise to write 
 to me, in the event of its being dishonoured : 
 an event which I advised him was not impro- 
 bable. Foster assured me that he felt no ap- 
 prehension about the payment, but should be 
 glad to keep up a correspondence with me, 
 especially as I needs would have many adven- 
 tures and wonderful things to write of during 
 my distant travels. 
 
 Such was the fortunate meeting by which I 
 was enabled to join my vessel, and although, 
 
ANTIPATHY. 197 
 
 as will presently appear, there was no necessity 
 for such hurry, still this short pecuniary pri- 
 vation might possibly have been the means of 
 losing me my passage. 
 
198 ANTIPATHY 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 "Wliilst Thales waits the wherry that contains 
 Of dissipated wealth, the small remains." 
 
 After discharging my debt to the landlady, 
 I received a call from the boatman who had taken 
 my luggage on board, and had orders to wait 
 upon me that morning ; and being all ready, he 
 shouldered my portmanteau, and off we set 
 for the Lower Hope. The wind was favourable 
 and fresh, and we glided down the stream 
 amongst a labyrinth of masts, to the eye alike 
 numberless and amazing. 
 
 " Surely,'^ thought I, on winding through this 
 
ANTIPATHY. 199 
 
 liquid avenue, " it is here that a man can form 
 the best conception of the wealth and commerce 
 of this overgrown metropolis. What sight is 
 there so replete with life and bustle, so won- 
 derfully mercantile, as what the noble Thames 
 presents from London Bridge to Blackwall }'* 
 
 But such natural reflections soon gave way 
 to others of a more melancholy cast, and as the 
 boat (not a wherry) cut her way leisurely 
 through the smooth water, and Babylon was 
 lazily vanishing in her .own haze, I could not 
 help moping. I thought on the many long 
 miles I had yet to travel over the same pre- 
 carious element — the dangers and the diffi- 
 culties of a foreign clime — the chance of sick- 
 ness and death — of leaving one's bones ungar- 
 nered to their fathers, and baking in another 
 world — a thought particularly odious to us all. 
 I could not help fancying how many a generous 
 youth had, like myself, in the heyday of his 
 blood, and dawn of happy prospects been 
 carried down by that same tide, to fulfil the 
 measure of his sad destiny — to enrich, perhaps, 
 with useless tears the insatiate deep, or been 
 doomed by obdurate fortune or his own folly 
 
200 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 for ever to exile, and to pour forth unavailing 
 sighs and aspirations after his father land. 
 
 These and other gloomy reflections preyed 
 upon my soul, and it was not until thrusting 
 my hand into my breeches pocket, I became 
 forcibly struck with the lightness of my purse 
 that they were changed into a diff'erent, though, 
 alas 1 not a whit more agreeable channel. 
 
 " And is this all that is left ?" exclaimed I, 
 holding up parallel to my right eye one of the 
 few borrowed guineas which had slipped from 
 my purse, as if purposely to remind me of my 
 extravagance. 
 
 "Well!" continued I, "and yet thou art a 
 steadfast friend ; how many of thy brethren, 
 like halcyon-beaked sycophants, have left me 
 in the time of need, whilst thou hast stuck to 
 my fortunes ! But," said I, after an impres- 
 sive pause, and looking twice at the king's 
 head, ^' thou too must go the way of all 
 flesh !" 
 
 I had barely uttered this, and returned the 
 coin carefully into my pouch, e'er a storm burst 
 out, which had been brewing for some time 
 back. My boat was managed by two men, 
 
ANTIPATHY. 201 
 
 father and son, both Scotch. The father was 
 peppery in his temper, and domineering ; his 
 face was an affidavit of the surhness of his 
 nature ; every word he spoke was as if it had 
 been vomited by a cynic in the most dogged of 
 his moods ; kindness was as foreign to his Hps 
 as the honey-combs of Hybla ; vituperation 
 common as the juices of his favourite mun- 
 dungus. If my reader bears in remembrance 
 the illustrations of Lavater, he may have a good 
 idea of the hkeness of this northern Triton, by 
 imagining the ugliest silhouette of a skull in 
 the book, thatched with an abundance of 
 whitish curled hair, and covered with a greasy 
 highland bonnet. His son whom he apos- 
 trophized by the name of " Keily,^' was a lazy 
 dirty vagabond ; he had been entrusted with 
 the guidance of the boat, but was evidently 
 blinded by an over abundance of grog ; and 
 indeed he steered like a lubber. The father, 
 whose face, but for its roundness would have 
 resembled the outline of an inverted fiddle, 
 had for a long time only expressed his disappro- 
 bation of Keily's seamanship, by moulding his 
 features into s-n extra twist of scorn, and running 
 
 K 5 
 
202 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 over the old vocabulary of curses ; but at 
 length he ran aground a little below Greenwich 
 Hospital, and the exasperated parent lost all 
 the little command he had over his passions. 
 
 " Luff," exclaimed he, in a discordant voice, 
 squirting from his cheeks a quantity of liquor, 
 resembhng coffee in colour: " luff! luff! ye 
 
 tauty headed luff, or I'll fling the deevil 
 
 at ye !" 
 
 The boat was now, after some luffing and 
 exertions on the sire's part, got off; but the 
 old man had waxed too wroth to be easily 
 pacified 3 he had been long " nursing his wrath 
 to keep it warm," now it overboiled. 
 
 "Ay, this comes,^' continued he, stamping 
 on an empty barrel which lay at the bottom of 
 the boat, and returned a groan emphatically 
 prophetic of the dire scene about to occur, 
 " this comes, ye swine, ye muckle swine that 
 ye are, o' your late and early debauches — 
 getting fou every blessed day, and spending 
 the wages o' a week's wark at ae sitting in 
 Lucky M'Glashau's ! But I'll renounce you, 
 I will, ye ne^er-do-well, before I see you dan- 
 glin some mornin^ in your shoon afore the 
 
ANTIPATHY. 203 
 
 Auld Beily. What ! you'll laugh at me too ! at 
 your ain father, ye beast ! but fegs, I'll tartan 
 your back, I will, ye kittling o' Satan !'^ So 
 saying, the enraged sire laid hold of a heavy 
 rope's end, and began lacing the unfortunate 
 Kelly's back without compunction. Now, 
 whether the unfihal Keily was prompted to 
 deeds of darkness by Satan himself, or whe- 
 ther it was only the genial cordial working 
 valiantly within him, I will not pretend to 
 determine ; but no sooner had he received 
 four or five cuts, than jumping up, he caught 
 the old man by the throat with the desperation 
 of a parricide, and, knocking him down, they 
 both tumbled into the bottom of the boat. 
 She, being left to her own discretion, was 
 tacking about in every direction, and I fearful 
 of so terrible a catastrophe as her upsetting, left 
 the combatants to the decision of fate, and 
 rushed to secure the relinquished oar by which 
 she had been guided. In my anxiety to effect 
 this, I unfortunately put my foot on the afore- 
 mentioned empty cask, which rolled, and pre- 
 cipitated rae backwards into the water before I 
 well knew where I was. Not more loudly than 
 
204 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 myself howled any of the accursed of God, 
 when, 
 
 " Grasping ten thousand thunders which he sent 
 Before him, such as in their souls 
 Infixed plagues," 
 
 he hurled them from the Empyrean ; — never 
 did Prometheus bound utter an exclamation 
 more dolorus than what proceeded from me on 
 becoming sensible of my situation. In vain 
 did I yell ; never can I recall the sensations 
 which flashed witheringly through my brain at 
 that trying moment without feeling a sort of 
 serious delirium. Unable to swim, and in the 
 midst of a deep and rapid stream, I beheld the 
 boat — that sole prospect of salvation — drifting 
 rapidly away. 
 
 There are some men, I am told (though such 
 I have not yet seen), who, when the thread of 
 their existence however evenly spun, has yet been 
 in one part so attenuated as to seem to their sus- 
 picious eyes, or even in reality, to be the 
 termination of their earthly pilgrimage, have 
 fixed their thoughts solely on sublunary things. 
 Such can seldom be the case. 1 have seen the 
 miser, the profligate, the warrior, and the phi- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 205 
 
 lanthropist, stretched on the couch of danger 
 or death ; but, however absorbed in worldly 
 affairs their faculties might appear to superficial 
 observers, the scrutinizing eye could at intervals 
 detect their minds wandering to far other 
 and more momentous thoughts ; it could dis- 
 cover the remorsive twitches of a mis- spent 
 life, or the calm placidity of conscious virtue. 
 
 I was young when this peril befel me ; life, the 
 dearest and yet the heaviest boon to man, had 
 then for me all its glare 3 its vistas were all length- 
 ened and tinselled with joyous expectancy; its 
 preservation was the first dictate of nature; and 
 yet when I saw the world about to be closed for 
 ever upon me — when I was too sure that exertion 
 was fruitless, and that my glass had run — 
 it was then I felt palsied by the terrors of un- 
 timely death. I found myself detected off my 
 watch, and my head heavy with imperfections 
 — imperfections capable of sinking me in a 
 more awful gulph than that which yawned 
 around me. 
 
 If such were the harrowing thoughts of one 
 guiltless as I might then be called in com- 
 parison with the great ones, the robbers and 
 
206 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 aggressors of the earth, bitter — ^bitter thought 
 I, must be the dreadful parting of their un- 
 hallowed souls. 
 
 As this is one of the few serious passages in 
 these pages, do not skip it over with the excla- 
 mations of " Cant'^ or " Balaam^' — I hate both 
 as much as yourself, but I have undertaken to 
 record my feehngs, as well as adventures. Pon- 
 der and know yourself. Luckily for me, I had 
 on a large camlet cloak, to which I may safely 
 attribute my preservation ; this buoyed me up 
 for a short time after my strength and presence 
 of mind was gone, and in the mean time the 
 father and son, hearing my drowning cries, 
 agreed upon an armistice. 
 
 It is unnecessary to add, (for had it turned 
 out otherwise I had never written this) that by 
 great exertion they turned back the boat and 
 arrived just in time to rescue me from what I 
 had made up my mind to consider as the last 
 of a series of misfortunes. 
 
 We gained the Lower Hope without more 
 danger or fighting, and soon descried through 
 wreathes of mist the vessel destined to separate 
 me from my native land. I greeted the vjya 
 
ANTIPATHY. 207 
 
 fjieXaivav with anything but a welcome ; I felt for 
 her the same affection that a criminal must have 
 for the hurdle about to drag him to his halter ; 
 but reflecting on the weakness, or at all events, 
 folly of yielding to such thoughts, I in a mea- 
 sure banished them, nay, was prompted by a 
 false hardihood, so that I scaled the ship's side 
 with considerable alacrity. A scene of tumult 
 and uproar then opened to my eyes, such as I 
 had never before seen ; all was confusion worse 
 confounded; the captain, purser, and some 
 officers sat at the cuddy table with a bag of 
 gold before them, paying the crew their wages, 
 whilst the quarter-deck and poop were crowded 
 with wretches, whose looks denounced them as 
 the very refuse of humanity. The greater pro- 
 portion of these were moreover intoxicated, 
 and on a sudden a heavy fellow reeled ofi* the 
 poop and fell headlong on the quarter-deck at 
 my feet, when, without one comment or ex- 
 pression of compassion, but many curses, he 
 was carried ofl" bleeding and senseless to the 
 surgeon. 
 
 Had I taken up my quarters in Gomorrah I 
 could not, in the short space of five minutes, 
 
20S ANTIPATHY. 
 
 have witnessed more brutal drunkenness and 
 profanity. 
 
 It was some time before any one would take 
 the trouble of answering my questions; but 
 the steward happening to come on deck, civilly 
 acquainted me, on being told my name, that 
 the starboard awning cabin was the one pur- 
 chased for me by my agents ; and at the same 
 time he ordered a seaman to assist Keily in 
 stowing my baggage and swinging my cot. 
 
 Whilst this was being done, I cast my eyes 
 around, curious to see the economy of a large 
 vessel ; but not a countenance did I observe, 
 but what lowered with vice and brutal degrada- 
 tion. Sickened at the sight, as soon as my 
 trunks were stowed, cot slung up, and the boat- 
 men paid, I turned hastily into my cabin, and, 
 locking the door, determined to seek a little re- 
 pose, of which I stood in need. I had changed 
 some of my wet clothes in the boat, but my 
 limbs were frozen with cold, and I was im- 
 patient to get into the cot. 
 
 What a cursed thing is a cot ! how many 
 jadish tricks will it play you ! In my hurry to 
 get up on the near side, I hke SirHudibras, lost 
 
ANTIPATHY. 209 
 
 my balance on the other, and down I came 
 furiously on my face. My astonishment was 
 much greater than my hurt ; " Good G — d ?' ex- 
 claimed I, " if so many great and trivial disasters 
 have already befallen me, I fear the odds are 
 much against my planting foot on Hindostan." 
 I thought that this was, with many others, an 
 unquestionable omen of bad fortune; yet, re- 
 membering how Caesar, when he fell, changed 
 what was regarded as such into an auspicious 
 one, by embracing the earth as if in the act 
 of taking possession of the land, I resolved 
 if possible, to be equally authentic in my 
 augury ; so seizing a flask of brandy, which 
 stood very opportunely near me in a corner of 
 my portmanteau, I before adventuring another 
 ascent, treated myself plentifully with a dram, 
 praying at the same time, for every thing good 
 and prosperous as wanderer e'er befel. — " May 
 I arrive in port without damage or detriment ; 
 may I find the cHmate not so hot, the squaws 
 so black, the European damsels so white- washy, 
 wine so dear, or fever and cholera so cheap, as 
 I am at present led to expect ; and as I have 
 little acquaintance with any magnificoes in that 
 
210 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 hemisphere, O may I meet some good-natured 
 big-wig, who beneficently taking my hand, may 
 do me many good offices." 
 
 Such were my floating thoughts as I 
 quaffed the dram which my starved limbs ren- 
 dered very acceptable, nor do I now, after 
 subsequent reflection, think I could have formed 
 many wiser wishes. 
 
 So many abler fools than myself have writ- 
 ten in their first ship-letters, complete ac- 
 counts of the dangers in dropping down the 
 Thames, steering clear of the Goodwin's, and 
 coasting to the Downs or Portsmouth, that I 
 shall easily be pardoned skipping over this often 
 told part of the voyage. We got to the 
 Downs, and like many others were wind-bound 
 for several days, and during this time the pas- 
 sengers had all gotten better acquainted. 
 
 The discipline of the ship too was very difie- 
 rent from what it was when I first embarked, and 
 in short, every thing went on smoothly and plea- 
 santly. Our party was not so large, for a four- 
 teen hundred ton vessel as it was agreeable ; 
 besides nine cadets, there was a detachment of 
 king's officers, a Commandant on the Bengal 
 
ANTIPATHY. 211 
 
 establishment, and a gentleman going to enter 
 a mercantile house. We were all excellent 
 friends, which of course added much to the 
 pleasure of the voyage ; nor were we less fortu- 
 nate in respect to the officers of the ship ; the 
 captain, it is true, was a surly, but in the main a 
 good fellow ; so were the two chief officers and 
 purser ; and the surgeon was as really pleasant, 
 well-informed a man as ever I met. On the 
 whole therefore, we were happy in the consti- 
 tuent parts of our floating commonwealth. But 
 I am ashamed to say, I had forgotten (though 
 we sometimes, in a " temporary eclipse of the 
 mind," forget what we oftenest think of) to 
 mention three young ladies, a daughter and 
 two nieces of the Commandant, who were the 
 ornament and admiration of our little society. 
 
 We had been detained upwards of a week in 
 the Downs by strong contrary winds, and in 
 this short time were all become capitally ac- 
 quainted ; we accordingly one day proposed, as 
 there was no sign of the wind changing, to go 
 on shore, and have a last day's sport and jolli- 
 fication at the " Three Kings," for so they 
 called the best inn at Deal. The captain ac- 
 
212 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 quiesced, but advised us to keep a good look 
 out, as the moment the wind veered he would 
 weigh anchor. 
 
 Next day the wind blew steadily from the 
 same quarter, and on shore the greater propor- 
 tion of us went. A young captain of the King's 
 took upon himself the stewardship, and ordered 
 an especial good dinner to be laid precisely at 
 four, which when ready, was to be announced 
 by the ringing loudly of an old fire-bell, and in 
 the mean time we dispersed in small parties 
 through the town, devising and perfecting sun- 
 dry mischievous pranks. We indeed gave a loose 
 rein to our rogueries, considering ourselves (as 
 you may say) belonging to another country, and 
 knowing, whatever damage might be done, we 
 would probably be next morning out at sea, or 
 at all events out of reach, on board of ship. 
 
 No female in Deal however respectable, who 
 chanced that day to take the air, but was ac- 
 costed, and claimed intimate acquaintance with, 
 by persons she had never before seen ; and 
 the shopkeepers, though accustomed to such 
 frolics, the "departing joys" of cadets never 
 perhaps before got so wonderful a visitation. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 213 
 
 It would require an hundred brazen tongues to 
 tell, or the pen of some more durable stuff than 
 quill of goose to recount, even synoptically — 
 these " Deal devilries :" the many houses which 
 were unceremoniously entered ; the lips of 
 widows, wives and servants premeditately as- 
 saulted; the unfortunate apprentices of hosiers, 
 grocers, and piemen who that day suffered cas- 
 tigation ; the fightings, the noises, the halloo- 
 ings. 
 
 At four o'clock the old cracked fire-bell re- 
 called the stragglers, and restored a temporary 
 quiet to the inhabitants, as a bugle call assem- 
 bles the extended skirmishers of a regiment. 
 The dinner was good, the wines excellent, and 
 every one in the best of spirits ; it may there- 
 fore be imagined that by the time the cloth 
 had disappeared, uproar and noise was the 
 general order of the night; some would sing 
 who never before were conscious of having a 
 voice ; some would harangue, but none listened ; 
 others bragged and betted ; all chattered, and 
 joined in the general confusion. 
 
 Whilst thus exalted not drunk, when the 
 mind is in that interesting position, on the 
 
214 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 see-saw^ betwixt positive inebriety^ and elevated 
 daring, (a position superlatively happy, if it 
 could continue) we all separated ; part wan- 
 dered about the streets, and part amused them- 
 selves in shops till supper-time, when we again 
 agreed to assemble. 
 
 I, with another friend loitered along a well- 
 lighted street which led I know not whither, 
 and after our stroll, endeavoured to trace back 
 our road to the Three Kings. This by chance, 
 or rather sheer patience, we had at length effect- 
 ed, after twice circumnavigating the town, and 
 passing thrice the door without recognising the 
 inn ; but just as we had hit the door, and were 
 exultingly about to enter, we heard a terri- 
 ble row in a shop on the opposite side, which 
 arrested further progress. 
 
 " Go it Billy ! go it Billy ! " exclaimed one. 
 '^Twenty dollars on Moses !" cried another. — 
 " Done, done," resumed the first. — " Twenty 
 on Billy ! — go it Billy — that's a rum one ! — now 
 play with your left ! — a poser ! — a rum poser !" 
 
 This, and more of such Doric dialect, na- 
 turally excited our curiosity, and we crossed 
 over to see what was the matter. On entering 
 
ANTIPATHY. 215 
 
 the shop, in which was all this hubbub, we saw 
 three cadets, one a cavalry gentleman, with 
 his jacket off, and handkerchief round his waist, 
 " paying oiF," or rather (to use another of his 
 own expression) he had "served out" an unfor- 
 tunate fat Jew, who it appeared was the pro- 
 prietor of the house. 
 
 The situation of this son of Israel was so 
 ridiculous as to set us all a laughing ; for seated 
 or rather squatted on the floor, the perspiration 
 ran down his face in large drops, and his panting 
 sides worked like a pair of blacksmiths' bellows; 
 his well saved coat was ripped the whole way 
 up the back, and the victorious cornet still 
 held his beard, which he ever and anon shook 
 as one shakes a tuft of grass, to disencumber 
 it from the mould. This feat he invariably 
 followed up with a kick, which the Jew seemed 
 too fatigued and chop-fallen to attempt re- 
 senting. 
 
 " For God's sake '/' exclaimed a watchman, 
 pushing through the crowd, " what is all this ? 
 — what the devil is all this disturbance ?'* 
 
 "This d- thief! this liar of a Jew !" said 
 
 the cornet jerking his beard — 
 
216 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 " O my gosh !'^ groaned Moses, "watch — 
 Mr. Peter Diaper, I am a murdered man. If 
 you respect me, or the law and the prophets, 
 knock down this robber. I will give you every 
 ting — any ting in my shop. — O my gosh !" 
 
 " This old cheat," continued the cornet 
 sternly, " sold me a chain as gold,"— (producing 
 one to which a quizzing glass was attached) 
 " and it proves, as you may easily judge, no- 
 thing but copper gilt.^' 
 
 " Give me back my money," continued he, 
 addressing Moses with another kick, and 
 giving his chin such a wrench as made the 
 tears drop from both his eyes ; " give me 
 back my sterling money, or 1^11 beat every one 
 of those rotten grinders down your lying 
 throat !" 
 
 " Ah, by the Misnah ! by the Talmud, by 
 the God of Isaac and Jacob !" exclaimed the 
 Jew ; " I said it vas vashed with goold, not it 
 vash goold; Oh! Mr. Peter Diaper, help — in 
 the name of the blessed patriarchs, help !" 
 
 But although Moses would sooner have 
 parted with every hair on his face, than a 
 shekel from his purse, the cornet was equally 
 
ANTIPATHY. 2l7 
 
 inflexible ; and now it was that the venerable 
 guardian of the night interposed his high 
 authority. He was clearly a retainer, if not 
 a friend of the Israehte, and on the cadet's 
 requesting him to take Moses into custody, he 
 declined, alleging as his opinion, that he him- 
 self not Moses was to blame, and that it was 
 his duty if the business was not speedily 
 adjusted to commit the cornet for an assault 
 and breaking of the peace. 
 
 However weighty this despotic rescript 
 might have been in ordinary circumstances, it 
 had very little effect on the determination of 
 the cadet ; for he still kept possession of the 
 Jew's beard, and was beginning to threaten 
 the nocturnal functionary himself with signal 
 punishment if he refused to perform his duty, 
 when in rushed a boatman into the shop. 
 
 " Godsake ! gentlemen," said he, " where 
 have you been all this time ? I have been 
 hunting for you this half hour ; the wind has 
 changed, the anchor is up, sails spread, and all 
 the other gentlemen on board." 
 
 This threw us all aghast; and the cavalry cadet 
 perceiving that the recovery of his money was 
 
 VOL. I. la 
 
^;1'8 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 now hopeless, took parting vengeance on the 
 beard and chops of Moses ; he moreover des- 
 troyed several panes of glass, and a whole 
 troop of nick-nacks. This was executed with 
 such rapidity that the presence of the watch- 
 man proved unavailing, and his authority was 
 not a little humbled by a cuff on the lower jaw 
 which the same gentleman bestowed upon him 
 as a parting memento. And now our passages 
 had been irrecoverably lost, but for my presence 
 of mind, w hich fortunately was here exerted. 
 The exasperated watchman, indignant at the 
 blow, but not willing to adventure an unequal 
 combat, seized on that engine, more dreadful 
 to pillars of true Corinthian order than cata- 
 pulta, balista, or battering ram, "the rattle!" 
 and myriads of wandering spirits would have 
 quickly ministered assistance, had not I purely 
 in self-defence, and without any malice pre- 
 pense in the world, also snatched up a weapon 
 dire, y'clepta cricket bat, and, before his hand 
 could wield the noisy weapon, knocked him 
 down. The enemy overthrown, I ever careful 
 of exuvicB, stripped him of his clamorous 
 armour ; I next bestowed a similar salute on 
 
ANTIPATHY. 219 
 
 the teeth of Moses, lest he should be parti- 
 cularly communicative of our foray ; and then, 
 throwing down the bat, off we scampered 
 hard as foot could carry us, as the hogs did in 
 the parable, for the sea. 
 
 Here some disgusting delay occurred, the 
 boatmen declaring that they would not put out 
 unless we tipped them each a crown extra to 
 our agreement; but this shameful imposition 
 we were in no situation to refuse, and making 
 all the haste in our power pushed from the 
 shore and steered for the ship under all the 
 sail which the boat could carry. 
 
 Long before getting on board we saw several 
 lights moving along the shore, which had 
 much, the same effect on our spirits, as those 
 called warning death one's are supposed to 
 have upon the destined sufferers ; we were not 
 however troubled, and next morning, on 
 awakening, we found ourselves fast losing 
 sight of land. 
 
 There is a strong proof of the mere proba- 
 tionary state of this life, and the existence of 
 a future, which no schoolman, as far as I know, 
 
 L 2 
 
220 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 has yet hit upon — one to me of equally heavy 
 metal as Hope concerning which philosophers 
 squabble, and poets rave. As for instance, 
 pray observe the Patagonian points of excla- 
 mation in the following choice morsel of 
 Young — 
 
 '^ Grief from the future borrowed peace awhile. 
 
 The future vanished ! and the present pained ! 
 
 Strange import of unprecedented ill! 
 
 Fall how profound ! like Lucifer's the fall ! 
 
 Unequalled fall ! his fate without his guilt ! 
 
 From where fond Hope built her pavilion high 
 
 The gods among, hurled headlong, hurled at once 
 
 To-night ! to nothing ! darker still than night ! 
 
 If 'twas a dream why wake me my worst foe ? 
 
 O for delusion ! O for error still ! 
 
 Could vengeance strike much stronger than to plant 
 
 A thinking being in a world like this 
 
 Not over rich before — now beggared quite. 
 
 More cursed than at the fall !" 
 
 Johnson esteemed a gallop in a post chaise 
 the greatest of pleasures; Byron perhaps had 
 the same penchant for "bounding in a bark 
 before the breeze ;" the Russian holds skating 
 on one leg down an artificial ice hill to be a 
 
ANTIPATHY. 221 
 
 joy passing that of train oil, women^ or 
 brandy ; whilst the aeronaut again, maintains a 
 flight through the clouds to be above compare, 
 the most refined, as it doubtless is, the most 
 exalted of all enjoyments. I myself, being but 
 a sorry cat hater, have never like Green or the 
 hapless Blanchard, gone to the heavens like a 
 fly on a soap bubble, leaving dull earth behind 
 me ; nor skated on one or two legs down a 
 hillock of ice ; nor ever that I can recollect did 
 I even go above a canter in a post-chaise ; to 
 adjudge therefore the palm of bliss to any of 
 these would be in me presumption. But this 
 I know, that formerly on days of fairs, my 
 supreme joy was a sixpenny swing in the veriest 
 highflyer, and this, (I from experience) once 
 pronounced to be the acme of felicity. 
 
 Be opinions however as they may, it appears, 
 (here come we to the argument) that they all 
 agree in one point, namely that man is never 
 so spiritually elevated (always saving when 
 drunk) as he is when removed from crawling 
 reptile-hke on the crust of this ever burning 
 world. A world which Italian sages and 
 
222 I ANTIPATHY. 
 
 French illuminati have at length allowed to be 
 nothing but a huge gool^ which once was ready 
 for the Devil's Hookul, and which when Satan 
 calls for a fresh pipe may again be plumped by 
 his head hookulburdar\ Beelzebub into his infer- 
 nal serpooseX there to crumble with other 
 devoted portions of systems. This, is a fact all 
 important — a collateral proof of the future des- 
 tiny of our race, and it assuredly is one which 
 deserves the attention of the two afore-men- 
 tioned learned bodies Glasgow and Aberdeen, as 
 much as my valuable hints upon somnambuhsm. 
 What a splendid point ! tenable— twistable ! 
 capable of sustaining an incalculable super- 
 structure of erudition has here been over- 
 looked ! Is it possible that in wars, (I never saw 
 a war) is it possible that so many brave fellows 
 are oft sacrificed for the sake of occupying a barn 
 or worthless jakes, and so much ink is spilt in 
 dispatches and gazettes, and yet such a glowing 
 idea as this should have none to defend or 
 
 * Fire ball. 
 
 t Servant who has charge of the pipe. 
 X Part of the hookul which holds the tobacco and fire 
 balls. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 223 
 
 attack it, have never produced a single challenge 
 or duel, nor incubated like Bramah's egg, and 
 produced a world of foUo and quarto — an ocean 
 of the life blood of enthusiasm ! 
 
224 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 " A ship is the crucible in which morals are put to the 
 test. There the wicked degenerate more and more, and 
 the good become better. — Saint Pierre. 
 
 I DO not know a better opportunity for the 
 reader of human nature versing himself in his 
 study than a long sea voyage : so many beings, 
 multifarious in their ideas, education, and pros- 
 pects, presenting themselves continually to his 
 observation, renders it next to impossible for 
 dissimulation to cloak them so carefully as not 
 to afford some eye opening to his scrutiny. 
 Every man's talents and character must at 
 times appear in their true colours ; and even 
 the superficial observer is enabled to form a 
 pretty correct estimate of the merit of those 
 around him. Hence the numberless little 
 
ANTIPATHY. 225 
 
 jealousies and disputes that arise on board of 
 ship, the lasting friendships which are cemented 
 — yes, and often the purest love. 
 
 As these facts are sufficiently established by 
 abler writers, I need only observe, that the 
 greater part of our voyage was spent in nearly 
 the same manner as all others have been. An 
 early and substantial breakfast, succeeded by a 
 lounge on deck, a book, a cigar, or game at 
 back-gammon, and then another lounge, follow- 
 ed by a protracted devotion to the toilet, mur- 
 dered time till the dinner drum beat. After 
 this a prolonged chat, another lounge on deck, 
 with perhaps a little dancing, argument, or 
 whist, dispatched a few more weary hours, when 
 supper — more an apology for a glass of grog, 
 than a meal — and another chat, fairly finished 
 the tedious day. Such were the almost invaria- 
 ble occupations of our little republic. 
 
 At sea, trifles are productive of much interest. 
 Land — a sail dimly discerned — a shoal of flying 
 fish — whale, shark, albatross, or stormy petrel 
 — each afl'ords a day's food for amusement ; nor 
 fortunately, was the monotony of our voyage 
 
 M 5 
 
^26 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 rarely broken by such auxiliary reliefs to 
 tedium. 
 
 The first land we saw, and which excited 
 general admiration, was the Island of San An- 
 tonio, one of the Cape de Verds. We came 
 within sight of it during the forenoon, but even 
 at supper, though not far off, on account of the 
 haziness of the sky and lightness of the wind, it 
 could be but indistinctly descried. At about 
 half past twelve, however, the quarter-master, 
 as I had desired him, knocked at my cabin 
 door, which was close to the wheeh and told 
 me to get up if I wished to see a fine sight. 
 This I did instantly, nor were my slumbers 
 broken for nothing. We had just approached 
 as near the island as our course permitted, and 
 it stood directly fironting us. Never can I for- 
 get the state of my feelings, as I sat for nearly 
 an hour without once taking my eyes off what 
 lime and circumstances rendered a subiimer 
 spectacle than I shall ever again behold. Lonely, 
 lofty, and deeply furrowed by the hurricanes of 
 ages, it raised its unclouded head, silvered by a 
 flood of the softest and purest moonbeamsv 
 
ANTIPATHY. 227 
 
 All was still save the breeze which bore us im- 
 perceptibly along : whilst there, in the unruffled 
 and boundless deep, stood what fancy might 
 have deemed the throne of a spirit of the watery 
 wilderness, the gloomy pall of its shadow ex- 
 tending far over the mirror at its feet. Its 
 sides, scathed by innumerable thunderbolts, 
 presented in many places lines and masses of 
 impervious gloom ; whilst every towering abut- 
 ment streamed with glorious effulgence. What 
 an altar ! thought I, is here to offer sacrifice 
 upon to the most High ! — how pure — how ac- 
 ceptable ought the incense of adoration to be 
 when offered on so awful a handiwork of the 
 Creator ! How humbled must be the man of 
 pride — how debased in soul the minion of am- 
 bition, when kneeling on that summit he turns 
 his thoughts to Heaven ! when he sees himself 
 encircled by a tremendous unchanging ocean, 
 shut out from all the vices and follies of his 
 race. What a situation for the infidel or the 
 ravagers of the earth 1 One more sublime, 
 more awfully moral I could not possibly con- 
 ceive. As my thoughts wandered to such so- 
 lemn subjects a cloud slowly stoled the moon, and 
 
228 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 that was all I ever beheld of the majestic San 
 Antonio. 
 
 The old adage which we find staring us in our 
 grammars, of "iVemo mortalium omnibus horis sa- 
 pit^^ appears to every one on perusal so deter- 
 mined a truism — as much so as day is not night, 
 nor man a buzzard — that, on reading the line, we 
 are struck as forcibly with the probability of 
 its author being an ass as we are with the in- 
 fallibility of his apothegm. But the longer we 
 live the contrary become our views of such ap- 
 parent twaddlers, and from the paucity of truth 
 and abundance of flattery, I would respect and 
 turn an ear to the man who could gravely in- 
 form me I had a nose to my face, when I might 
 be induced to spit in that of a toad-eater who 
 assured me it was faultlessly aquiline. It is 
 therefore clear to me that truists must be tole- 
 rated, if not patronised ; and as simple truths 
 such as mathematical axioms for instance, are 
 the components of very intricate ones, hard of 
 analysis, so can it never prove a waste of time 
 to bestow one's mite of demonstration in 
 favour of their soundness. 
 
 To give, therefore, an unhappy instance of my 
 
ANTIPATHY. 229 
 
 text, " Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapif* de- 
 mands now our attention. I believe I may safely 
 say there were few persons on board who took less 
 pleasure than myself in the indulgence of wine, 
 brandy, cherry brandy, or any other stimulant ; 
 but one evening I overstepped my usual line of 
 prudence, and in short, disgracefully succeeded 
 in getting very drunk. It was the anniversary 
 of the Captain or the Captain's wife, his mo- 
 ther or grandmother, or somebody else's na- 
 tivity, and the bottle circulated longer and more 
 rapidly after dinner than usual. The conse- 
 quence was, we were all merry ; but I, though 
 unaware of my state, was inebriated. 
 
 Beware of much drinking on board ship j 
 being drowned you may put out of the ques- 
 tion, for there are many other misfortunes 
 which may befal you. Tumbhng head foremost 
 down a greasy companion ladder, or down the 
 orlop, or even down from the poop, subject you 
 exceedingly to the risk of damaging your head. 
 But beware not less if in a tipsy mood of 
 running foul of the sailors ; many of them are 
 plaguy ill-natured dogs, and may cause your 
 bones to ache for any impertinent interference. 
 
230 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 When thus well primed, I of course, as the 
 custom has been from time immemorial, became 
 a butt and tool of folly and frolic to my less in- 
 toxicated companions, and by them was incited 
 to play off sundry practical jokes on every per- 
 sonage however dignified in the ship. All 
 these succeeded beyond expectation, and with- 
 out drawing down any retribution, till fate at 
 length turned her iron scales against me. 
 
 The evening was duskish, and I had already 
 cut down with impunity no less than five pas- 
 sengers with the head run,* not to mention the 
 important characters of purser and steward, 
 two middies, and the assistant surgeon (a little 
 man), the back part of whose head suflfered a 
 
 * " Cutting down with the head run," is a nautical 
 expression for the cutting of the nettles or small cords 
 which support the head end of the cot. " In cutting down 
 with the head run," says Dr. Tobias Jenkinson (vide 
 works, vol. 2nd, page 16), " the patient is most frequently 
 injured on the superior angle of the os occipitis, but in 
 several instances which have come under my observation, 
 the squamous portions of either of the ossa temporura 
 have been injured, the patient perhaps having been sleep- 
 ing on his side at the time of the accident." 
 
ANTIPATHY. 231 
 
 severe contusion. Emboldened by this good 
 luck, I had the hardihood to proceed to de- 
 molish the cot of the boatswain, who was a 
 man that had the reputation of being a gallant 
 tar ; that is to say, he was rough, ferocious, 
 passionate, and passing excellent in the use of 
 his nine-tailed cat. He was active too, con- 
 sidering his great corpulence of at least fifteen 
 stone ; moreover, (since I have begun his pic- 
 ture) he was short in the legs, the greater part 
 of them being lost in Nature's benevolence of 
 superstructure; but though bandy as short, these 
 were perfectly capable of sustaining all this, as 
 well as a counter-balance of abdomen. Such 
 was the figure and spirit of the creature whose 
 kennel I blinded by intoxication most thought- 
 lessly entered. 
 
 At one fell swoop, I destroyed with my knife 
 all the lashings of his hammock, and crash 
 came the boatswain head foremost on the 
 deck ; such may you fancy the fall of a hogs- 
 head of sugar if tumbled from the upper 
 story of a warehouse. Luckily like Polyphe- 
 mus, he always slept upon his back, and there- 
 fore sustained but little injury, that portion of 
 
232 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 his carcass havings like the blubber of the 
 whaie, but little susceptibility of pain. 
 
 But who can depict his wrath on awakening 
 to a conscientiousness of such an unprecedented 
 indignity ! I stood for a few seconds as- 
 tounded, hearing such a weight thunder on 
 the deck, nor could I at first imagine what I 
 had done ; but the tar springing upon his legs, 
 and giving vent to an adjuration infinitely terri- 
 ble, saluted me in a moment with such a buffet 
 on the teeth, as brought to my mind at once 
 all the horrid reality of the achievement. This 
 laid me sprawling. I groaned, bellowed, and 
 supplicated, but to no purpose ; in vain I swore 
 I had not the slightest intention of cutting him 
 down, and repeated over and over my willing- 
 ness to make him amends. 
 
 No ! unfortunately, a broomstick, which 
 
 was truly jSpiBv, fxeya, ai€apov, presented itself 
 at this instant to his exasperated arm, and was in 
 a twinkling applied to purposes of vengeance ; 
 nor was it until I had alarmed the whole vessel 
 by my shrieks, that the demon desisted from 
 his flagellation. I was then carried to my cabin 
 moaning, and literally covered with bruises, nor 
 
ANTIPATHY. 233 
 
 did I venture to make my appearance for three 
 or four days. 
 
 What galled me most was, the being obliged 
 to pocket every tittle of this punishment and 
 insult ; I was likewise sure not a soul pitied 
 me for a misfortune I had so justly deserved. 
 
 It was one evening about dusk, a few weeks 
 after this most specific mauling, when we were 
 going better than eight knots an hour by the 
 log, that a seaman of the name of Jones as fine 
 a fellow as ever stepped, fell overboard whilst 
 taking in a reef of the main-topsail. The ship 
 was quickly brought to — a boat lowered — the 
 life-buoys cut away, but all in vain, the poor 
 fellow sunk like a stone. This happened about 
 the latitude of Madagascar one subject to 
 storms and tornadoes, and strange to say (to 
 us raw ones at least) a few hours afterwards as 
 prognosticated by the seamen, it blew a tre- 
 mendous gale, which they firmly believed had 
 been brought about by the agency of Joneses 
 spirit. 
 
 A storm at sea is without dispute, the sublim- 
 est spectacle in nature ; and yet, although I 
 truly rejoiced at this opportunity of beholding old 
 
234 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Ocean clothe himself in all his terrors, I would 
 think twice, aye twice of venturing my life as 
 Paul Veronese (was it not ?) did, for the sake of 
 indulging such a curiosity. 
 
 It is a trite remark by all who have treated 
 of the sublime, that an extensive plain, or the 
 becalmed ocean is from its extension alone 
 sublime ; but this as far as my own feelings go, 
 I positively deny. 
 
 At the same time I must admit, that every 
 man^s mind is the best test of what is sublime 
 or beautiful, provided that it can in every case 
 discriminate betwixt them. 
 
 If it can discriminate betwixt these two 
 qualities, it is as unnecessary to dictate or pro- 
 nounce positively as to what is sublime or beau- 
 tiful, as to declaim upon what colour is red, and 
 which blue ; or wi'ite an essay on the essential 
 differences betwixt carrots and parsnips 5 but 
 when the two feelings are blended together, the 
 calm investigations of philosophers (like myself) 
 are of service ; and (to carry on the metaphor), 
 for this same reason, that the person most ex- 
 perienced in colours can by careful observation, 
 discriminate most correctly the proportions 
 
ANTIPATHY. 23b 
 
 of blue and red in a grey ; or blue and yellow 
 in a green. 
 
 It has been observed with justice, that objects 
 partaking of rigid regularity seldom aspire to 
 sublimity, but always rank with the beautiful. 
 This is true ; this is a position experience per- 
 fectly upholds, but I go a step further, and 
 maintain, that when objects are both regularly 
 proportioned and sublime (as is really often the 
 case) the mind never contemplates the regularity 
 or fitness of component parts, but gorges the 
 whole, when a feeling of what I undpstand by 
 true sublimity is produced. 
 
 Sir, Madam, Miss, if you have not long e'er 
 this put a dog's ear, into what you may term a 
 dry odious page — pardon me a few lines more ; 
 depend upon it, that when the mind becomes 
 conscious of the regularity of an object, that 
 object can never affect it in the light of subli- 
 mity — though it certainly may appear beautiful. 
 This may be accounted for ; beauty consists in 
 a fitness a homogeneousness of parts to the 
 whple; and although we find beauty in an 
 apparent unfitness of position or proportion, 
 yet that seeming disorder is not so, otherwise 
 
236 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 a first feeling of beauty could never be pro- 
 duced, admitting of subsequent argument. 
 Solecistically, there is order in disorder ; for 
 real disorder can no more constitute the beau- 
 tiful, than pain, pleasure. An orchestra for 
 instance considered in disjunction is disorder^ 
 so far as every instrument differs from another 
 in pitch and tone ; yet does the mingling of the 
 whole tones produce one simple sensation of 
 pleasure, or as words express what we at pre- 
 sent know, it is beautiful. A garland of flowers 
 though composed of a diversity of colours, 
 shades and shapes, produces the same sensa- 
 tion. Who but an ass that should be unworthy to 
 browse upon the materials, could deny John Mil- 
 ton's description of Eden, composed of a diver- 
 sity of things to be pre-eminently a paradise ! 
 
 Analyse the sublimest object, and you will 
 reduce it into what is fearful or mysterious. 
 In a calm at sea, our view is bounded by an 
 unfurrowed circle of a few miles — we admire 
 the extensive glassy surface around us ; but I 
 contend we admire its beauty, not as one 
 partaking of sublimity. 
 
 No ! it is when all its strength wakes at the 
 
ANTIPATHY. 237 
 
 tempest's trumpet call, wakes to turmoil and 
 re-echoes with its own might that it is truly, 
 terribly, an engine of sublimity. 
 
 Mr. Burke affirms, that a sensation of terror, 
 or something analogous, is produced by all 
 sublime objects ; and although Blair endeavours 
 to prove him mistaken, he has done so clum- 
 sily. "Cutting off a leg,'^ says the Doctor, "is 
 a terrible sight ; but no one will affirm it to be 
 a subUme one." No ; — Burke, however, does 
 not say, that terrible sights are sublime ; he 
 merely declares all sublime ones to be accom- 
 panied by a modified terror, and we cannot 
 help granting the truth of his proposition, so 
 far as the sublimest phenomena of nature are 
 concerned. 
 
 No man can look down an Alpine precipice, 
 or hang over a cataract, without involuntarily 
 grasping their rocky barriers ; no man can 
 behold the ocean roaring and battling with the 
 contiguous thunder clouds, and tossing its 
 mountain billows with their incumbent fleets 
 as shaketh the lion the locks of his mane, 
 without experiencing a sense of terror and 
 being struck with the fullest conviction of his 
 
238 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 own insignificance. — In fact — what a plaguy 
 thing for landsmen is a gale of wind ! How 
 white do they look as crawling carefully to the 
 top of the companion ladder they venture one 
 brief peep at the effects of the howling hur- 
 ricane ! How changed too are they in sen- 
 timent ! I observed men who during 
 fine v/eather had mantled their jaws wdth a 
 grin of infidel scorn at religion in toto, now 
 prostrate and in prayer instead of stoically 
 upholding the opinions which they had pre- 
 viously professed. One silly creature of a 
 cadet whose barmy noddle was nigh turned 
 with speculative fancies^ and attributed every 
 thing to mere chance afforded me an especial 
 fund of entertainment. He was lying quite 
 chop fallen in his cot, which during the violent 
 pitchings and rollings of the vessel rendered 
 him sometimes invisible, praying fervently but 
 not loudly. 
 
 " Hollo, Seigneur Philosopher !" said I, 
 pulling a long face, ^^ is not this a pretty scrape 
 we have got into ?^'- 
 
 " Our Father which art in Heaven!' mut- 
 tered he. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 239 
 
 " But — " continued I, pretending not to 
 hear him, " there is nothing like being pre- 
 pared for the worst." 
 
 " Hallowed be thy name/' responded the 
 philosopher. " Is there no chance ?" resumed 
 he with a faltering voice, '' is there no chance— 
 what, none?" 
 
 " Why, yes," replied I, " all you know is 
 chance.''' 
 
 " True," said he, with some confusijon, and 
 turning up his eyes — " all, all, is chance." 
 
 " And yet," rejoined I, wishing to give his 
 withers a severer wring; "when there is ten 
 feet of water in the hold, bulwarks gone, and 
 all the pumps choked, it must be allowed that 
 the chance is small." 
 
 " Gracious Heaven I" ejaculated he, " ten 
 feet of water and the pumps choked ! It is 
 then all over. O God, thy kingdom come ! 
 thy will be done !" 
 
 " Amen !" responded I with an affected faul- 
 tering voice. 
 
 Here the philosopher fell back in his cot 
 with features as blue as a duck's egg, and 
 
240 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 clasping his hands resumed his earnest sup- 
 pUcation to the god of chances. Next morning 
 all was fair, and former dangers quite for- 
 gotten. 
 
 " Pray, Mr. Butler," says some critical 
 matron, looking over her spectacles, " did you 
 not say that this dreadful gale happened near 
 the longitude of Madagascar ?'^ 
 " Yes, Madam." 
 
 " Then, Sir, you must previously have 
 crossed the line." 
 
 "Certainly, Madam." 
 
 "Then Sir, I think it would have been 
 better, if instead of prosing about the sublime 
 and beautiful, you had taken some notice of 
 the interesting ceremony attendant on crossing 
 the equator.'^ 
 
 " Indubitably, Madam; and very many thanks 
 to your magnifiers for reminding me of circum- 
 stances which I thought I never could have 
 forgotten." 
 
 I am not such a fool as to put a cart before 
 ahorse without cause; it may therefore be sup- 
 posed some recondite rule or reason exists for 
 
ANTIPATHY. 241 
 
 my mentioning a storm off Madagascar before 
 saying a syllable about crossing the equinoctial, 
 and as Hudibras could not 
 
 " Happen to break off 
 
 r the middle of his speech or cough, 
 
 but 
 
 He had hard words ready to shew why. 
 And tell what rules he did it by, 
 
 therefore Madam, find out the reason if 
 you can, and if ever you glared into Aris- 
 totle with those glasses of yours, authority 
 may be found justifying my proceedings. 
 The gods not having made me poetical, you 
 would not have me rush slap dash in medias 
 res, and when there, my fine frenzy failing, 
 topple down headlong ? — 
 
 Why, Madam, I should have shared the fate 
 of Icarus, who dropped his wax for his am- 
 bition ; got like many others liave to the line, 
 before quitting the Three Kings at Deal, and 
 there dropped down plumb " ten thousand 
 fathom deep." 
 
 VOL. J. M 
 
242 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Now supposing me possessed with an inter- 
 mittent attack of poetic furor^ was it not 
 natural, critical, agreeable to all rule and knack 
 in producing effect to give sublimity preference 
 to the beautiful : two things against which you 
 seem prejudiced ? 
 
 A gale of wind, Madam, such as we ex- 
 perienced, with sails torn to fragments — bul- 
 warks swept away, and masts shattered, is a 
 sublime sight ; and I maintain Madam, spite of 
 your quiddities, that the ceremony of crossing 
 the line in whatever light you view the ques- 
 tion, belongs strictly to the beautiful. 
 
 What contributes more to the beauti- 
 fying of our sex than the razor, that divine 
 instrument worthy of a lay from the boldest 
 bard ? What, has the ignoble* patten 
 been immortalized in song, and a deity de- 
 clared its patent inventor, and no minstrel 
 yet awakened his jingling johnny for thee! 
 
 Arise, O ye laureats, and with tortoise shell 
 comb and paper betwixt your teeth, drone forth 
 a deathless epic, laudatory of suds, barbers, and 
 
 • Vide Gay's Trivia. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 243 
 
 the immortal razor. How fine a theme ! one 
 which the hone of genius has never yet 
 sharpened, nor the grisly beard of criticism 
 assailed. 
 
 The evening of the day preceding that on 
 which we crossed " earth's central line/' the 
 surgeon and I were seated on the poop in ami- 
 cable discussion, when Neptune, in fiiU regal 
 attire, attended by his court, appeared on the 
 forecastle, and was announced by a flourish of 
 old bugles. 
 
 After this ceremony, the venerable monarch 
 lifting up his voice, exclaimed : 
 
 "What, ship a-hoy!" 
 
 "The " answered the Captain, who 
 
 stood on the quarter deck to receive his 
 Majesty. 
 
 "I remember you weU," said the god of 
 ocean ; " and I must come on board to pay my 
 respects to all my old friends, and claim better 
 acquaintance with the new ones.'^ And without 
 waiting for any reply, he, followed by a nume- 
 rous suite, proceeded from the forecastle to the 
 gangway. 
 
 M 2 
 
244 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 We had thus a favourable opportunity of 
 criticising the motley costume of our visi- 
 tants a description of which however, and 
 what followed merits a peculiar chapter. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 245 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 " We do not come as minding to content you. 
 Our true intent is all for your delight. 
 We are not here, that you should here repent you. 
 The actors are at hand, and by their show. 
 You shall know all that you are like to know." 
 
 Midsummer Night's Bream. 
 
 Neptune himself was attired in what had 
 once been costly apparel ; but I grieve to say 
 that the modern discount against kings seemed 
 to have extended itself to the divinities, and 
 that his toggery had suffered much from time 
 or tide. The royal diadem was grievously tar- 
 nished by sea air — his dreadful trident was 
 turned into a complete oxide of iron, and a 
 gaping hole in his galligaskins bespoke a sad 
 dearth of tailors near the line. 
 
 But notwithstanding all these little eye sores. 
 
246 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 the god's appearance was majestic, and his 
 look pronounced him every inch a king. 
 Amphitrite, his beloved spouse was in des- 
 habille; that is to say, a red striped cotton 
 gown and crumpled leghorn bonnet crowned 
 the goddess, and did small justice to her 
 charms. Mercury, I suppose, had just re- 
 turned from some Atlantic trip, for he was clad 
 in the skin of a brown polar bear. The silver 
 footed Thetis attended too, but in deep dis- 
 guise ; her face being protected by larger whis- 
 kers than ever adorned the features of her son. 
 Squire Glaucus looked like a large bird of 
 Paradise; he was caparisoned in tight leather 
 breeches, the colour of which was scarcely dis- 
 cernible for the numberless tags of various 
 coloured ribbands appending thereto ; nine 
 stringed Jack would have been unworthy to 
 have loosed the latchet of his shoe. He, 
 moreover, wore a coat which to mortal eyes 
 seemed pea green, and this like his breeches 
 was liberally laden with laces. To poetic 
 eyes, such as Montgomery's, he would have 
 appeared a spirit fresh from hell — I mean a 
 tailor's with all reverence. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 247 
 
 Besides these, there were five translated 
 mortals not a whit less signal or consequential 
 than their betters. Ganymede was one, but 
 the others were innominati, though evidently 
 courtiers of interest and power. 
 
 The chief innommatits was dressed as a phy- 
 sician, in a rusty black suit and snowy wig, 
 bearing ostentatiously what modern medicals 
 call a syringe ; he must have been lately prac- 
 tising, for his hands were soiled with what I 
 foohshly imagined to be pig's blood, though 
 doubtlessly it was the ichoz of some heavenly 
 patient who patronized phlebotomy. 
 
 Behind this dignitary, walked two assist- 
 ants, celestial apothecaries ; the one bearing 
 an immense phial or bottle of that mysterious 
 elixir of hfe which all alchymists from Theo- 
 phrastus, Paraclesus Bombasticus, to the twin 
 Isaacs, yea and others after them have vainly 
 sought for ; the other a well plenished galley 
 pot, which to compare things immortal with 
 mortal resembled strongly the portion of a 
 chaise percee. 
 
 Ganymede bore no cup of wine — his flagon 
 occupation was lost and gone: Jupiter, perhaps. 
 
248 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 having given him warning for daring to hand 
 him " sack with hme in it ;^' but be this as it 
 may, he was now in Neptune's employ, and 
 his business was perhaps more manly than any 
 other. Shaving was now his pride and glory. 
 A razor he flourished, mighty, fearful to look 
 upon — one to which a scymitar of Damascus 
 would have stood no compare. To my imper- 
 fect ken I must confess that this instrument 
 had great resemblance to the rusty hoop of a 
 rum puncheon. 
 
 On either side of the royal barber stood 
 two coadjutors, heavenly latherers, each flou- 
 rishing in his hands a brush like to what plas- 
 terers employ, and in the left, a pail destined to 
 contain his Highness's suds. No Bible bearer 
 at a masonic procession, ever carried so de- 
 murely and consequentially his velvet cushion 
 as did these twin assistants their respective 
 pails. After silence was duly obtained, the 
 awful deity stroked twice his venerable beard, 
 and thus addressed our honoured commander — 
 
 " Brave British Captain ! Though the af- 
 fairs of mortals give us gods generally but 
 little concern, I for mine own part am always 
 
ANTIPATHY. 249 
 
 rejoiced at seeing a jolly h-English tar. I 
 feel a warm interest in their welfare, and can, 
 from h-experience, assert their superiority as 
 seamen over every nation that ever put ship to 
 sea. Yes, Sir, there's summut in the lads of 
 that *^h-isle of the h-ocean which the h-exile 
 ''ails with joyful h-emotion,' that makes them 
 my favourites ; and I am ever punctual in 
 shewing them all the civihty in my power — 
 hem — " 
 
 Here the captain made a low bow for such 
 marked honour to his country, during which 
 time, Neptune like other great orators was 
 refreshino: his wits through the medium of his 
 ears, which were applied to one of his courtiers, 
 who acted as prompter on this ceremonious 
 occasion. 
 
 " H-England,'' continued his Majesty, " I 
 hears, for I have never been so far north as 
 Madeira, since a squabble I had at that d— — d 
 old fort Troy, is a real prime place, and in fact 
 that run-about skipjack Mercury, (this god in 
 furs. Sir, whom I take the liberty of intro- 
 ducing) declares Lunnun to be the perfect 
 wonder of the world. Matchless for fun, 
 
 M 5 
 
250 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 finery, hearts of oak, girls, and grog. Grog — • 
 yes by the way mentioning grog, most gallant 
 captain, I assure you it is a liquor I have not 
 tasted for many a day 5* for few ships have 
 lately come across me but lubberly Dutchmen, 
 and they drink a wishy washy stuif, you know* 
 So, Sir, if you can oblige us with a phlegm 
 cutter of genuine British grog, it will be gra- 
 ciously received.'^ 
 
 The captain on receiving this broad hint as 
 to the necessity of performing sacrifice, after 
 returning thanks for such honour and condes- 
 cension, ordered a propitiatory bucketful of 
 that grateful beverage for the refreshment of 
 the heavenly host. 
 
 ^' Good V exclaimed the king, tossing down 
 a copious draught, and securing another supply 
 with much expedition. " Good ! this Sir, 
 depend upon it is the true hambrosy, and fittest 
 lush for gods and heroes. Oh, hambrosy,^' con^ 
 tinned his Serene Highness, holding his glass 
 * up to his eye, " may you never be bestowed on 
 the coward, the Frenchman, or the Yanky; 
 
 * Poor Nep's allowance had been in reality stopped> 
 for some prank or misdemeanour. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 251 
 
 d n my eyes, you are too good for any 
 
 but a British tar ! Fill round gemmen ;'^ said 
 he, in an authoritative voice, and turning to his 
 staff—" a toast." 
 
 This general order was quickly and gene- 
 rally obeyed, when Neptune raising his impe- 
 rial crown, exclaimed — 
 
 " Health, wealth, and prosperity, to the 
 owners of this good ship, her captain, and h-all 
 hands on board.'' 
 
 This was drank with enthusiastic applause, 
 and after the din of bugles, drums, fifes and 
 fiddles had died away, our commander politely 
 returned thanks for the signal honour he had 
 received. Another flourish of music succeeded 
 this, and when silence was once more restored, 
 he of the trident agaiin continued his harangue. 
 
 " Gallant captain," said he, " from the rehsh 
 we have shewTi for your wet whistle (pointing 
 to the nearly drained bucket,) you may suppose 
 that the real motive of our boarding you was to 
 exact an allowance. But shiver my timbers ! 
 such is not the case ; for you Sir, are aware 
 that it has been a custom with me ; ever since 
 an outlandish looking tub crossed the line 
 manned by seamen in the service of King 
 
252 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Solomon^ if I remember to demand as a toll for 
 safely doing so the produce of their chins, that 
 is if they never have (as you have captain) be- 
 fore paid me such an oblation. I see many old 
 faces here, and likewise many new ones ; to re- 
 ceive my accustomed tithes then, was the cause 
 of my hailing you, and with your permission, I 
 will call again to-morrow for the purpose of 
 gathering them.^' 
 
 The captain bowed and gave his unqualified 
 consent. 
 
 " Many thanks," replied Neptune, " I do 
 not remember having been once refused a 
 favour by your brave countrymen, and in 
 return, I can only express my favourable wishes 
 with assurance of protection in any adversity 
 from the winds or waves — quosh /'^* and 
 here he frowned, and made the quarter-deck 
 ring with his omnipotent trident. 
 
 " But gemmen, pass round the remainder of 
 the amZ>ro52/, whilst Amphitrite,my queen, gives 
 her toast, and let it be a British flowing bumper, 
 as her toast concerns a land of liberty and trident." 
 
 * The classical reader must perceive that " quos" was 
 the significant allusion ; but the voice of the Deity was 
 hoarse and husky. — Editor. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 253 
 
 This dictate of the omnipotent was promptly 
 obeyed. 
 
 "Jack Scraggs !" exclaimed Neptune, in a 
 suppressed voice, addressing by such familiar 
 epithet Glaucus, the divine, " stop you swab, 
 and be d d till h-Amphitrite gives the toast.'^ 
 
 Glaucus, who was inadvertently quaffing, 
 stopped short, and then the queen looking 
 proudly around her after puUing from her 
 cheek a limpion of tobacco which would have 
 astonished even a native of Lima, (although 
 the ladies there universally iise them) she 
 repeated the foUo^^dng stanza — 
 
 " Here's to old England, her grog and her navy. 
 To Yankees and Frenchmen, a birth with Old Davy ; 
 Here's to her beef, and the good hearted girls. 
 Who keep their hearts true to the seaman that furls. 
 Here's to her king, may his joys be abiding ; 
 May he see all his foes get a good hiding." 
 
 This being becomingly drunk and applauded, 
 his Majesty and suite withdrew amidst another 
 flourish of music. 
 
 Next morning betimes, Neptune again came 
 on board in much the same state and costume, 
 and before breakfast, preparations for the ap- 
 
254 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 preaching ceremony had been far advanced. 
 The principal of these were as follows — 
 
 A main top sail doubled, was so disposed by 
 the assistance of two capstan bars and other 
 props as to form a capacious cistern ; and this 
 the sailors by working hard at the pumps had 
 managed to fill^sothatit was nearly five feet deep 
 in the centre. One of the poop ladders was set 
 against the front bar which supported the sail, 
 and on either side of this, sat a grim latherer 
 with his prodigious brush and sud bucket. 
 High on a throne of royal state, and near this 
 ladder sat Neptune ; his attendants (saving his 
 beloved spouse) all standing; but as usual, I 
 have begun describing the machinery of a 
 drama without mentioning what it cost me to 
 be a spectator. 
 
 I must prelude this by acquainting the reader, 
 that our worthy commander had previously 
 told us none need suffer under the barber's 
 razor, if disinclined to take part in the orgies ; 
 but for insuring this, it would be necessary to 
 keep our cabins and stand aloof from the 
 pastime. This was but fair, and many incurious 
 gentlemen shut themselves up, preferring to 
 
ANTIPATHY. 255 
 
 wear at their chins an inglorious excrement— 
 rather than witness what is but very seldom to 
 be seen. 
 
 My cabin being one of the awning ones 
 which command a full view of the deck, I had 
 flattered myself on being able to witness the 
 whole ceremony without partaking of its rough- 
 ness, and it was with indescribable pleasure 
 and anxiety I squatted myself down on a bul- 
 lock trunk fronting my window, for the pur- 
 pose of noting particularly every thing that 
 passed. But alas 1 bad luck, my old tutelar 
 deity dogged me as usual, even into this 
 obscure corner; for Jemmy Ducks, the accursed 
 Jemmy, himself a veteran voyager, spied my 
 manoeuvre, and thinking it unfair that I should 
 enjoy so manifold an advantage, he with the 
 malevolence of a fiend laid hold of an old sail 
 which lay on the poop for repair, and let it 
 fall exactly over my window. 
 
 " Confusion !" exclaimed I, grinding my 
 teeth with rage and disappointment ; " villain, 
 remove instantly that sail, or Fll break your 
 skull." 
 
 " YouP' cried Jemmy, "aha! come and do so, 
 
256 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 you^r welcome to try ; far better Sir, if you 
 wishes to see the sport, to come out like a 
 man and not sit moping there like a sick guinea 
 hen." 
 
 ^^ Oh knave, beastly knave !" rejoined I 
 bitterly, " you shall repent this. A dollar — a 
 couple — three dollars" seeing Jemmy was in- 
 flexible : " four dollars if you will leave, only 
 leave that small opening." 
 
 " No demme;" was Jemmy's reply, as he 
 leisurely tucked in the sail so as to exclude 
 every beam of light, just as a careful house- 
 keeper would tuck her asthmatic bachelor in 
 the blankets. My persecutor having carefully 
 performed this, departed to take a part in the 
 approaching revels, leaving me to appreciate 
 my own curses. 
 
 The things on which man's affections are 
 most firmly fixed, are generally as trivial as the 
 pursuit. What is more foolish (though none 
 but the purse and brain impoverished philo- 
 sopher thinks so) than a wretch putting himself 
 to the rack, poring, fagging, sweating, groaning, 
 — scanting nature of many necessaries and all 
 indulgence, for the baseless wish of being 
 
ANTIPATHY. 257 
 
 deemed wiser, wittier, richer, or more foolish 
 than his neighbours ! The soldier rams his 
 head into a death-breathing breach for a line 
 in the gazette, not half so conspicuous nor 
 half so much read as one of Bentley's puffs or 
 Warren's Blacking sonnets ; the merchant sits 
 perched for threescore years on a lofty uneasy 
 stool in order to take possession of his last 
 small country residence with the reputation of 
 having left a plumb behind him : but in all 
 probability that plumb once a magnum bonum, 
 becomes in the hands of the heir a green gage, 
 and as Horace says " the wealth remains in 
 town for the heir." 
 
 Now to compare great follies with small, my 
 heart was on the present occasion, so intent on 
 beholding Neptune in all his terrors, that this 
 unlooked for vexation nearly drove me furious. 
 Never did the soldier who has failed in his 
 breaches or the merchant who has departed 
 this life a bankrupt, heave a sigh so fraught 
 with anguish as I gave vent to on this oc- 
 casion. 
 
 " Pshaw !" I heard a loud shout. " Devils 
 and dukedoms ;" a good oath, worthy of 
 
258 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 any ancient euphuist ; " devils and duke- 
 doms/' said I, " should I loose my very scalp 
 I will see it. Yes/' I continued, throwing off 
 jacket, waistcoat, and slippers, " I must see it 
 all :" and I jumped upon deck. 
 
 The shout which thus gave the spur to my 
 curiosity, proceeded from the minions of 
 Neptune, and congratulatory of the httle as- 
 sistant surgeon who was ushered up the before 
 mentioned ladder with much applause in order 
 to be operated upon. 
 
 "Doctor," quoth the king, addressing his 
 own physician, not the assistant : " methinks 
 this young man looks ill, pray examine his 
 tongue." 
 
 "I should pronounce him bilious," replied 
 the sagacious son of Esculapius. 
 
 " Pilious!" reiterated the monarch with con- 
 siderable alarm in his looks. " Good God ! you 
 don't say so, then give him a bolus." 
 
 The assistant surgeon's eyes had been pre- 
 viously bandaged ; and no sooner had he 
 opened his mouth to shew the state of his 
 tongue, than the royal leech rammed therein 
 an immense compound of some heavenly drug 
 
ANTIPATHY. 259 
 
 (larger than any horse ball;) and as soon as 
 this was performed, the two officious apothe- 
 caries seized either of his inferior maxillae, 
 and compressing the same superiorly laid their 
 fellow labourer in the craft under the stern 
 necessity of swallowing the bolus or being 
 suffocated. The former the patient partly 
 effected. 
 
 " Oh dear ! what bungling,'^ cried the en- 
 raged king ; " is this the way my poor patients 
 are treated. Give him instantly a draught, or 
 he will be choked ; why he is already as black 
 in the face as the cook in the galley; give 
 him a potion and lotion I say.'* 
 
 The bottle of the other frightened assistant 
 was now in a twinkling applied, and a copious 
 sup of the divine fluid demonstrated ; this 
 had a beneficial effect though contrary wise to 
 what the faculty expected for it answered all the 
 purposes of a violent emetic. 
 
 Whilst the passive and miserable man of 
 medicine was rejecting this elixir at either side 
 of his mouth, the barber drew nigh with assist- 
 ants twain ; the great sud brushes were then in 
 
260 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 an instant applied, and his chin shorn by the 
 tremendous 'razor. 
 
 Cupid in a fantastical dress of tar and fea- 
 thers (betokening perhaps the stickiness of true, 
 and the lightness of false love) jnow approached, 
 took the patient's legs, and instantly capsized 
 him backwards into the cistern. There Glau- 
 cus, Proteus and an unwieldly Triton received 
 him, and in the purity of kindness bestowed 
 upon the pitiful faced mortal a satiety of their 
 own element. 
 
 I confess that this first specimen of the 
 joyous revels sufficed me, and I was about to 
 effect a cunning retreat to my den, when a 
 ruffian let go the first furious jet of a fire 
 engine direct in my face. I had been standing 
 close to this machine, but was too much en- 
 gaged in observing other matters, to be aware 
 of mine own jeopardy ; and such was the force 
 of the impetuous water-work, that it almost 
 stunned me, and I thought my eye must have 
 been for ever extinguished. Standing thus blind 
 and stupid, two of Neptune's nimble assistants 
 laid hold of my hands so persuasively, that it 
 
ANTIPATHY. 261 
 
 was impossible to escape being ushered into 
 the royal presence. 
 
 It would be superfluous to add, that I un- 
 derwent nearly the same ordeal as the assistant 
 surgeon, but I suffered much more than he 
 did, for some courtier in Neptune's service 
 had evidently prejudiced me in the kingly 
 favour. I swallowed bolus and draught, but 
 the barber finding me not countenanced by the 
 god, afflicted me with his dullest razor, nor 
 could an operation for the labia leporina be 
 productive of half the pain I underwent in 
 this equatorial shaving. The tonsor moreover, 
 clapped a handful of pomatum on my head, a 
 substance of the consistence of pitch, and this 
 horrid unguent afterwards laid me under the 
 necessity of having my head shaved ; but no 
 sooner was I precipitated into the aforemen- 
 tioned cistern, than a portly Triton (who bore 
 a striking resemblance to my ancient enemy 
 the boatswain) grasped me by the neck, and 
 kept me so long under water, that I lost all 
 recollection. For w^hat I know, I might have 
 been drowned ; and if memory l)e the sole 
 voucher for personal identity, 1 cannot make 
 
262 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 oath that I have never undergone a metempsy- 
 chosis. 
 
 On recovering, I found myself stretched in 
 my cot, and such a figure that my worthy uncle 
 would never have recognised me ; whilst poor 
 John Hughes, a private on board who acted 
 as my valet de chambre, was standing alongside 
 wetting and rubbing my motley face with a 
 large sponge. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 263 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 '* Who shall decide, when doctors disagree. 
 And soundest casuists doubt like you and me ?'* 
 
 Nothing of any consequence occurred during 
 the rest of our voyage ; on crossing the line a 
 second time, we were becalmed ; but after nine 
 or ten days, we found ourselves bearing steadily 
 up the Bay of Bengal. Shortly afterwards land 
 was discerned ahead ; it was part of the 
 Madras coast, near the celebrated temple of 
 Juggarnaut ; and the captain having ascertained 
 the correctness of his chronometers, again stood 
 out to sea. 
 
 This short glimpse of terra firma enlivened 
 us all ; but when a small brig lying to ahead 
 was pronounced by the captain to be a pilot 
 
264 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 waiting to conduct us across the Sand Heads, 
 we were all in ecstasies. 
 
 The pilot a man with features as yellow as 
 
 those of our Sovereign on his own best coin, 
 soon came on board. He was communicative, 
 active, sprightly and of much ideal importance; 
 partly in his mouth, and partly in his fist he 
 held a cigar or cheroot, of the dimensions of a 
 common rolling pin, and this together with a 
 curious straw hat, black watch ribband, dia- 
 mond broach and yellow silk handkerchief for 
 a cravat, designated him as a being produced 
 for no ordinary purposes. 
 
 A crowd quickly gathered around this amphi- 
 bious personage, to which he dealt out the news 
 of the east by wholesale. He had moreover, 
 provided himself with files of newspapers, 
 army lists, &c., and his pockets were soon dis- 
 burdened. I was one of the lucky few who 
 obtained a parcel of newspapers, and re- 
 tired precipitately to my cabin with Dr. Jen- 
 kinson to peruse them. 
 
 After we had gone through this truss of eplie- 
 meral information, I asked the Doctor, who had 
 just thrown down one of them with a great 
 
ANTIPATHY. 265 
 
 " pish !" what we thought of the Indian 
 papers ? 
 
 " I think an Indian newspaper," said he, 
 " Mr. Butler is like a soaped fiddlestick." 
 
 " Like what ?" — demanded I. 
 
 "Like a soaped fiddlestick," repeated Dr. 
 Tobias Jenkinson. 
 
 " How so ? — 
 
 " Because it is useless." 
 
 "True — so much I understand; but how is 
 the soapy part of your simile exemplified ? 
 That I confess 1 am at a loss to comprehend" — 
 
 " Then Sir, if you wiU favour me with your 
 attention, I will explain. — The public may be 
 likened to a fiddle, and the press to the horse- 
 hair by which it is acted upon ; now if the 
 fiddlestick be greased by the suds of stem 
 authority, the instrument must either be silent, 
 or squeak discordantly. In short Sir, it is 
 unfair to judge of the merits of an Eastern Jour- 
 nal, by any analogy with the right old British 
 liberty. The one, like John ^fiull himself, bel- 
 loweth boldly forth his opinions, strictures and 
 surmises, and goreth terribly the oppressor as well 
 as the underminer of our constitution ; but you^ 
 
 VOL. I. N 
 
26*6* ANTIPATHY. 
 
 Indian Bull Mr. Butler, is I fear,, nothing 
 better than a harmless stot, (mutilated by 
 arbitrary despotism) a steer, which durst nei- 
 ther roar nor gore, without a comfortable assur- 
 ance of being speedily consigned to the 
 slaughter-house." 
 
 '^ I now perfectly understand your figurative 
 fiddlestick ; but pray Doctor Tobias, as you are 
 more conversant with Eastern manners and 
 policy than I am, can you acquaint me with 
 the reasons for a free press not being permitted 
 in this country?" 
 
 Here the Doctor, after helping himself to a 
 pinch of Strasburg, and passing his box, re- 
 sponded " Yes ;'' both knowingly and empha- 
 tically. " I know one reason," continued he, 
 "which is the same silly one that has heretotore 
 always been adduced, namely that as we have 
 the tenure of this mighty Empire by a very slight 
 preponderance of the balance, the rude breaths 
 of seditious gazeteers might turn the scale 
 against us." 
 
 "Are you acquainted with no other reason?^' 
 
 " None, but this, which I take to be a hair 
 
 plucked from the same tail- — that the eyes of the 
 
ANTIPATHY. 267 
 
 native population might at length be opened to 
 the humbuggery by which we keep them in 
 subjection." 
 
 " And do you, Dr. Toby, think these reasons 
 of sufficient cogency ? Do you think that by 
 such measures we ensure a better chance of 
 retaining our Eastern possessions ?" — 
 
 "You bluntly interrogate me on matters 
 which wiser heads have already decided in con- 
 tradiction to my sentiments; why therefore 
 should I expose myself by venturing to impugn 
 them, and thereby expose myself ?'* 
 
 " Expose !" cried I, " not a bit, Dr. Toby, 
 not a bit; we ought to take for granted no 
 ipse dixit, not even of the wisest without ana- 
 lysing their arguments. The most knowing are 
 usually the most stubborn in admitting that 
 they are mistaken ; and surely a measure may 
 by ill-digested counsel, be carried hastily into 
 execution, which obstinate pride may cause to 
 be upheld. This I believe will be found to 
 obtain in every department of science ; but 
 proceed — I prithee proceed." 
 
 "You speak wisely ,^^ resumed the Doctor, 
 " and betwixt ourselves, if it even be lawful to 
 
 li 2 
 
268 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 broach such subjects in private, I see little 
 danger which can accrue to our Eastern 
 conquests by a free press being established. If 
 there were any danger, the impolicy of the 
 measure would be palpable ; but on the con- 
 trary, much evil is produced by its being 
 withheld. It is a bad government, and a bad 
 cause, which requires for its safety or justifica- 
 tion strict silence. I hate the look of a re- 
 served gloomy man, and seldom augur much 
 good concerning him ; but of a reserved admi- 
 nistration, I am doubly so !" 
 
 " Good, Dr. Toby, very good!'' 
 
 " If a form of government Mr. Butler, be 
 really excellent and well-conducted, the tongue 
 of the press can but eulogise its merits, and 
 this it must do, even when maliciously condemn- 
 ingwhat is intrinsically good. Should the press 
 falsely slander, government has its own remedy; 
 should it differ only in sentiment, and that from 
 principles of conviction, not of contumacy, the 
 people will judge by their own feelings and 
 experience, and doubly admire that form of rule 
 which they find conducive to their happiness. 
 Whenever the press grossly scandalizes justice 
 
ANTIPATHY. 260 
 
 and common sense, it must burst like a bloated 
 toad, from the effects of its own poison." 
 
 " But suppose Dr. Toby, that the body of the 
 people have not sense enough to judge wisely ; 
 and being prone to change, as all mankind are, 
 what must then ensue, by having their latent 
 passions blown into a flame, by the votaries of 
 anarchy and sedition ? " 
 
 " Change," rephed the Doctor, " true, man- 
 kind delight in change to a certain extent, 
 because it is the primary ingredient of every 
 enjoyment ; but few are pleased with any very 
 extraordinary one. Would not however, this 
 passion exist whether there was a free press 
 or no ? You will reply, that the press might 
 incite this love of change into actions productive 
 of evil. For argument's sake, I will grant this ; 
 but can you deny that there is not as fair a 
 probabihty of its results being good ? Yes; and 
 I will maintain, that eventually they must be so ; 
 for I would boldly assert, that whatever changes 
 effected by European influence and communi- 
 cation in India may occur, good results will 
 eventually preponderate ; no matter how ef- 
 fected, by a free press or otherwise." 
 
270 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 " Remember my dear Sir, that we are now daily 
 endeavouring to change, not only their ideas, 
 but to overturn a religious idolatry, more an- 
 cient than all the nations of the north. But 
 putting this out of the question, India totally 
 differs in this respect from other nations, and I 
 am convinced in my own mind, that no danger 
 need be apprehended as long as it remains in 
 its present intellectual state. If we lose India, 
 we will lose it by our enlightening the natives, 
 and removing their rehgious prejudices. At 
 present an Indian differs so much from a Eu- 
 ropean in his customs and notions, that in a 
 political point of view, he may be altogether 
 regarded as an animal sui generis, 
 
 " The European (I refer chiefly to the mid- 
 dling and lower classes) is always more or 
 less informed of what is going on. He is 
 interested in his country's welfare, and listens 
 rapturously to songs and legends of her 
 hattles, and her heroes; he regards likewise 
 the captains of her arms, and the leaders of her 
 councils. Draw a comparison betwixt him 
 and our Indian subjects. 
 
 " Your native is destitute of everv such feel- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 27 1 
 
 ing : patriotism, that purest of principles next 
 to religion, is unknown to him ; and one distin- 
 guishing trait in his character is complete apathy 
 to all that passes in the world. He cares nothing 
 what parties predominate, or what master 
 he serves ; and I even doubt if he cares a straw, 
 (save perhaps in a religious point of view,) 
 for his native land, or the spot where his fore- 
 father's ashes may have crumbled for ages. 
 What motive then, can incite such a being to 
 rebellion ? Not liberty — it is unknown in Asia; 
 as long as the peasant rears what he sows, and 
 reaps what he rears, and is permitted to follow 
 unmolestedly the idols of his heart, he is 
 satisfied. Liberty, in its British acceptation, 
 would be regarded by Asiatics, not as a bless- 
 ing, but as a hardship and folly. 
 
 '^ What Dow says, Mr. Butler is not hypo- 
 thesis. — ^Were even the despot,' says he, ^pos- 
 sessed of the enthusiasm of public spirit, the 
 people would revolt against the introduction 
 of freedom, and revert to that form of govern- 
 ment which takes the trouble of regulation from 
 oiF their hands.' 
 
272 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 '' The reason here given for their revolting 
 against hberty, is the trouble it would entail 
 upon themselves to support it. This agrees 
 perfectly with the native character ; their sloth, 
 phlegm, carelessness, and in short, the genius of 
 the people is averse to liberty. Colonel Dow 
 moreover affirms in another place, ' that des- 
 potism in India must be carried into madness 
 before it could cause rebellion/ 
 
 "Is it then probable, Mr. Butler, that the 
 most licentious press could so change the native 
 sentiment regarding government, as to cause 
 effects which it is allowed the sternest tyranny 
 is incapable of producing ? If there ever had 
 existed in Hindostan the slightest hanl^ering 
 after freedom, of a shadow of the shadow of 
 patriotism, we should not have established there 
 the footing we now possess, nor would such 
 universal happiness and content prevail." 
 
 " Perhaps not,^' said I, " but are there not 
 some of the higher class of natives, Dr. Toby, 
 who, by inflammatory representations, might be 
 made to consider themselves as aggrieved V 
 
 " Unquestionably there are such spirits \ but 
 
ANTIPATHY. 273 
 
 no one will now gravely assert that the relics of 
 ancient Eastern nobility could be worked up 
 by the most seditious writer, so as to cause any 
 serious danger to our power. Are there not a 
 thousand benefited to each one who has for- 
 merly been stripped by us ? And is not the 
 public voice of Hindostan raised aloud in tes- 
 timony of British truth and justice, and of her 
 own unexampled state of happy prosperity ? 
 Why then, should the timorous croakings of 
 the short-sighted be adduced as sterling ar- 
 gument ? Why should a superficial policy be 
 the means of quenching the grandest of intel- 
 lectual engines — one which is the touchstone of 
 virtue, and surest bulwark of liberty ! 
 
 " Oh England V continued Doctor Toby, 
 slapping his snuiF-box upon the newspaper and 
 fixing his eyes upon me; " Oh England, how 
 unconscious art thou of the inestimable jewel 
 encasketed within thy cliffs ! Had I a seed of 
 idolatry in my heart, I w^ould prostrate myself 
 on thy sea girt shore, and there oifer up my 
 adorations! For if ever Deity selected one 
 spot for his pecuhar blessing— if ever he 
 vouchsafed partiality towards a race of the 
 
 N 5 
 
274 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 children of men — that partial, and divinest of 
 blessings — liberty fell on thy distant shores ! 
 Thy liberty, like that bright angel seen by the 
 apostle in the sun stands aloof from won- 
 dering nations. Like the rays of the sun, thy 
 liberty is reflected but not appropriated. Thy 
 liberty is thy birthright, but not, like Esau's, 
 to be transferred. It is not thy more fortunate 
 sons that live and die under thy benign in- 
 fluence, it is the wanderer in other climes who 
 valueth fully his birthright ; it is he who 
 knoweth liberty to be inestimable — unac- 
 quirable 1'* 
 
 As I saw Doctor Tobias Jenkinson was 
 getting poetical, I carefully forbore interruption ; 
 he however jumped up of a sudden, and ex- 
 claiming, " Bless me, I have all this time forgot 
 the captain's powders !" quitted abruptly the 
 cabin. 
 
 I cogitated a few minutes on what the Doctor 
 had said, and then taking the bundle of papers 
 in my hand, sallied forth to commune with the 
 pilot. I found him relating to a circle of idlers 
 the latest Eastern news. Seringapatam had 
 been besieged and sacked, whilst we were pur- 
 
ANTIPATHY. 275 
 
 suing our watery wanderings ; and the account 
 of so brilliant an achievement was therefore in 
 itself really interesting and greedily hstened to 
 by every auditor. But to the pilot this was a 
 theme as inexhaustible as the fall of Troy or the 
 Argonautic expedition to the poets; nor did 
 ApoUonius Rhodius make half so much of his 
 subject. He condensed into four books the 
 rovings of the holy ship, even round by Scylla 
 and Charybdis, with episodes thereon de- 
 pending, and the many exploits of Jason^ Her- 
 cules, Theseus and Orpheus : whereas our 
 wordy Palinurus spun out his Mysore fleece 
 with little intermission for four-and-twenty 
 hours. 
 
 Next morning, about breakfast time, we 
 came in sight of a low thickly wooded shore. 
 
 " There's Saugur,^' said the pilot, and 
 approaching nearer, we perceived at a dis- 
 tance some large ships at anchor; by this 
 time every telescope was engaged, and every 
 eye strained to take in a first sight of far- 
 famed Bengal. We were soon near enough 
 to distinguish even the shght surf ripphng 
 on the flat shore, and with the glass, herds of 
 
276 ANTIPATHY. 
 
 deer were seen scampering amongst the woods 
 frightened doubtlessly by the tigers which 
 abound in those desolate tracts. The low 
 land about the Sunderbunds is all formed by the 
 alluvial deposit of the Ganges,* and is covered 
 with a universal coppice of verdant foliage on 
 which our sea sick eyes loved to repose, whilst 
 our hopes grew higher as to the character of 
 the future regions of our abode. 
 
 The signal was now given, and amidst gene- 
 ral silence the thunder of the mighty anchor 
 rushing to its oozy bed proclaimed the close of 
 a long and tedious voyage. Congratulation and 
 joy now sparkled in every eye ; all little ani- 
 mosities were forgotten, and universal con- 
 viviality combined to dispatch the few fleeting 
 hours we were destined to pass together. 
 
 We had hardly finished an early dinner be- 
 fore the Dawk boat (one for receiving the 
 mails), and which is generally the first, arrived ; 
 a couple of others as quickly made up to us, the 
 
 * For an estimate of the amazing quantity of earth an- 
 nually carried down by the Ganges, see Lyell's Geolo- 
 gy. — Editor. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 277 
 
 one containing two baboos, or native merchants 
 on the look out for a bargain or agency, the 
 other laden with various sorts of fruit. These 
 tw.o boats were simultaneously secured, the one 
 by the purser in order to start for Calcutta 
 with despatches, the other by the midshipmen 
 and cadets, who immediately made a destructive 
 repast upon the plantains, pine apples, and 
 melons, paying exorbitantly for what they 
 considered was dirt cheap. 
 
 It was amusing to see the sailors and middies 
 without much money in pouch, bartering old 
 caps, pocket handkerchiefs, &c. for fine mangoes, 
 plantains, melons, or pine apples, and chuck- 
 ling at having " done Blackey,^' when in reality 
 the whole of Blackey's cargo cost him little 
 more than the trouble of gathering. 
 
 I and another cadet were anxious to get to 
 Calcutta as soon as possible ; and alike regard- 
 less of the Captain's advice to wait for a better 
 crafty and the great heat of the sun, we em- 
 barked bag and baggage in a small open Dingy, 
 without the slightest protection from the heat — 
 an act of imprudence for which I at least suffered 
 severely. 
 
278 ANTIPATHY. , 
 
 What an extraordinary appearance does the 
 Hoogly present to a newly imported British 
 subject ! Every thing is essentially at variance 
 with what we have previously seen, and we feel 
 not so much amazed, as conscious of the cir- 
 cumscribed knowledge of man concerning his 
 species and the world on which he crawls. 
 
 Near the metropolis it is peculiarly interest- 
 ing ; Calcutta has justly been styled the " City 
 of Palaces,'^ — there is an immensity of splendour 
 and magnificence in her appearance, but when 
 the mind (as it naturally so operates; compares 
 the whole with London or other capitals it is 
 soon stricken with the falling off in the river 
 portion of the picture. 
 
 Calcutta is far from being destitute of in- 
 dustry and qui vive ; it is also washed by a 
 noble branch of the Ganges ; but the Thames 
 we see clad with masts, forest-like, of noble 
 barks destined to traverse every distant sea ; 
 whilst on the other, saving a few brigs and 
 pinnaces, thousands of bamboos, (the ugly 
 masts of ill-constructed barges) arise in jungle 
 like array. 
 
 From the heat of the day, and dazzling glare. 
 
ANTIPATHY. 279 
 
 which is fully as disagreeable as the heat, I had 
 no incHnation to make many observations ; we 
 landed opposite Fort William, and had barely 
 put foot on shore, when ten or twenty unclad 
 savages rushed nolens volens into the Dingy, 
 and seizing upon our luggage like so many 
 harpies, led the way jabbering every inch of the 
 road. 
 
 Several palankeens, which ply in this ca- 
 pital as hackney coaches do in others, were 
 quickly in attendance ; but unwilling to tempt 
 such machines, we crammed them with our 
 writing desks, cloaks, and dressing cases, and in 
 this order marched into the formidable Fort 
 William. 
 
 END OF VOL. 
 
 LONDON : 
 SCHULZE AND CO. 13, POLAND STREET. 
 
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS-URBANA 
 
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