UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN BOOKSTACKS Return this book on or before the Latest Date stamped below. Theft, mutilation, and underlining of books are reasons for disciplinary action and may result in dismissal from tho University. University of Illinois Library 1 -8 hAK S -.005 Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2009 with funding from University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign http://www.archive.org/details/nav.yathome01lond THE N AVY -AT HOM E. IX THREE VOLUxMES. VOL. I. LONDON: WILLIAM MARSH, 145, OXFORD STREET. I83I. LONDON: Friiitcd by W, SLINDON, 51, Pupert Street, Haymarket. c TO HIS MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY, yZ3 WILLIAM THE FOURTH. SIHE, In dedicating these volumes to you, ^ I am induced to hope they will meet "^ with indulgence from your Majesty, as the head of the sea-service, in which you bore so distinguished a part, rather than as the sovereign of a great empire, whose cares and duties leave few mo- ments for the perusal of such trifles as this, you have been graciously pleased to permit me to offer you. In common, however, with the humblest of your '< Majesty^s subjects, a share of that kind- ness and condescension, for which your Majesty is so much beloved and revered by the whole empire, will not, I am con- "fident, be withheld from your Majesty's Dutiful and devoted subject, THE AUTHOR. Ja/i. 1S3I. ADVERTISEMENT. The innumerable publications sent forth to amuse the ''' light reading^'' world, would almost make one despair of saying anything absolutely new — Sailers too, have stepped forward, and hare had the advantage at least, of having got the start of me — but, the world is all before us, in inexhaustible variety ! I have tried to avoid ilUnature^ dullness^ and affectation^ and have followed nature as closely as I could — the hundred defects which maij be found, and which I am not blind to, 1 freely give up to those moles in literature (in and out of the trade), who are inclined to nibble — those, in short, who cannot laugh mth me, nor feel touched where / have leen, may throw the book down, and call me blockhead ; from such minds I covet no higher estimation ; for " / had rather he a kUten, and cry mew^'' than but aspire to the level of those (successful!) JVoi'^Z-mongers, r.ow-a-days, who, in good sooth, " imitate God's creatures .so abominably." One word to those good sort of people, who will not suffer even our immortal Bard within their doors, till " robbed of his fair pro- portions," and yet take their wives and daughters to the Beggar'' $ Opera I and read with avidity throughout their families, mali- cious scandal, and the most indelicate and indecent things, in certain daily and weekly papers, as a matter of course ! Such squinting saints more move one's pity than anger— I pray heaven (O ! for a m.iracle \) to lessen their imbecility and encrease their charity, so will they add to the store of innocent amusements within their reach in this world. THE AUTHOR. Baker Street, Portman Square, Novcmlcr, 1830. THE SHIPWRECK LIEUTENANT HAWSER AXD HIS MESSMATES: Who were unhappily cast away and near losing their lives in the year 1830, in the shallow, foggy, and windy latitude of the modern Babylon, on the shoals and small fry fisheries of Albemarle and Burlington Streets, at the entrance to the great Publishers, or Puff Passage, between Blockhead Point and Silly Race. A Prefaratory Metaphorical Fragment^ to throia a Light on the Ohseurity of this IVork. As this sad catastrophe will not be clearly made out in the course of this work, and may appear a mystification, or mystery, not easily unriddled, we here give the unvarnished account of the transaction, with the wonders witnessed, as it was told to the editor, (who leaves it to the profound) on their forlorn appearance on ihe Town shortly after, when they were enabled to appeal to the bosoms ii of the sensible and humane^ though in a very limited circle — it ran thus: — That hearing before they sailed, of two great Scotch manU' facturers of a certain staple commodity, who had established gigantic windmills for the grinding down and necessary inflation of the raw material, which was bought up wholesale at their warehouses, on the banks of the said Puff passage, and of their having engrossed nearly the whole market, by reason of their great wealth, and caring very little for the original quality, w^hich was soon confounded, good or bad, by their inflating leaden engines after being ground down ; the said owner in- cautiously embarked his venture in the good ship Stmplicilt/. The cargo was tolerably common-place, and so far calculated for the market ; but he had, by way of preserving it for a few years, sprinkled it over with a little salt, and a certain strong, sweet, distilled liquor, to infuse vigour and freshness through it, only known to our fore- fathers, but inadmissible in the said ware- houses, and totally out of the line of the said dealers, who indeed considered it contraband. That, ignorant of this fatal clause, or fact, they were turning in through the narrovcs. lU when they found their vessel's way impeded by vast shoals of ground sharks and mud larks I flat fish and cat fish, tadpoles and crabs, that frisked beneath the troubled surface of these shoals, which, strange to say, seemed set in motion by a sort of subaqueous or sub-mud- anean blast, from the lower tunnels of the windmills close by ; that however, in spite of these obstacles, on nearing the passage, several pilots fantastically dressed, with each a blad- der tied round their necks (supposed to keep them from sinking at the time) with very pudding faced aspects, and squinting with a fearful obliquity of vision, came on board. From their dress and frisky jauntiness of car- riage, it was impossible to make them out at first sight, to be old women ; but so it turned out ; no sooner had they squinted round and under hatches, than they first looked knowing at each other, and winked hard, then shook tlieir heads very ominously, and asked what strange ingredient had been thrown on the goods, which were, they affirmed, not sale- able ! pointing at the same time to hundreds of small craft (they had seen safe in,) unload- ing their cargoes of stuffs and crudities of every shape and shade — all equally tasteless A3 IV and welcome, as would have been this load, but for the fatal infusion before mentioned — the owner begged hard of their worships not to mention it to the supervisors at the great warehouses, and that as It was but sparingly used, on account of its extreme rarity, he hoped it would escape detection. As these pilots were desperately civil, they undertook at length to amuse the owner and his men, and tacked him about under various false pretences for three months ! at the end of which time they left him hard and fast on obscurity rocJc, and hastened on board some flat heavy Dutch small craft, who were laden with cargoes of amphibious animalculae and mag- gots, mixed up withDutch cheeses rather new, but quite marketable, and the whole sprinkled with common vinegar (which was allowed to all thetraderSjin order to preserve their cargoes during the summer months), these insignificant bum-boats were soon taken in safe, round Blockhead Point, and moored at the M — and C — wharfs. The Simplicity shortly after bilged, and some of the traders even came off to steal bits of the cargo that escaped the fish in the mud — hoping to conceal the offensive essen- tial oil, by mixing it with their own insipid wares; which perfectly succeeded as it became instantly without taste and wholly neutraliz- ed : meantime the wrecked mariners, half naked, but naturally vigorous, saved them- selves in the cutter, together with a bale or two of the cargo, hoping to smuggle it among the natives, though not likely to be relished by the multitude ; so great was the appetite, far and near, for the prepared and inflated mixtures from the great windmills and dep6ts, towards which, they now directed their steps ; thinking it just possible the pilots had deceived them, and that they might, at any rate, have the advantage of grinding down, inflation, and distribution, through the great merchants windmills and tunnels, instead of begging barefoot with it, as it was, from door to door. As they approached, they could not but admire the stupendous edifice, and the con- summate art of the various contrivances — where, by the evolutions of the windmills, was at once ground down, inflated, and stamped, thousands of tons of the mixed |?a/9er food, and shot through tubes in a twinkling, to the furthest shores, with each package, an in- flated bladder attached to it — which was said to be its warrant of excellence, and without which, the inhabitants never touched any thing of the sort. On the other hand, they could not but gaze in wonder at the enormous distin- guishing" pennants, and gay gaudy flags, that fluttered in the wind, of the mus- quito fleet, lashed to the wharfs and the in- calculable numbers of the owners that were seen loaded with their goods on their backs, advancing in crowds to the mills and ware- houses ; all singing and chattering in the gayest mood imaginable — several had little puffed bladders hanging at their backs, of which they seemed very proud — disdaining to look on any thing but their own packages, which, each hugged with the most ineffable self complacency — from what the sailors saw, they judged the ground of all their heterogeneous stuffs, to be wool gathered ; in an infinite vari- ety of flaring or sombre pattern?, interwoven with pretty conceits on black grounds, (for the groundlings) while others again, could hardly stagger under the weight of their bales, as if heavy as lead, and it was impossible to ascertain what it was — as they ascended to the hoppers of the mill?, whose powers were vu so marvellous, they were met by certain judges and superiors of the puffing, in the pay of the great principals — who kindly helped them to unload this vast variety of matter and stuffs, before it was committed to the action of the mill stones — which would quickly reduce this infinite variety of nourish- ment (some fit for the patience of a Dutch boor, while others appeared not of a nature as we have said, to be swallowed by any effort oipaiience^ and enough to choke a horse) — into one innoxious heavy paste; and though well confused and mixed, yet to preserve its identity, even after the finishing inflation, was truly miraculous! — and the sailors pressed on to see the working of the machine— im- mense vaults and halls, t^ir as the eye could reach, were beheld filled, to the roof with piles of prepared food for the public, with their bladders attached and labelled — while the noise of the mills, which never ceased, almost stunned them, and the puffs and gusts that escaped in spite of the greatest care, out of the infinity of tubes that filled immense reserve balloons, confounded them; while these again were drawn off by other sets of industrious labourers, into bladders ; as we draw off small Vlll beer; despite the care which these puffs were bottled up, yet this wind escaped, and filled the place with a sort of narcotic vapour, which mixing with the piles of prepared paste, on every side, produced, on the sailors, an unconquerable drowsiness and yawning! In a vast recess to the right, sat, or rather reclined in a sort of dull dose, the presiding genii, or Traders Magnifico I They seemed swelled to an unnatural size, and bloated by wind and repletion — both half blind from the dust, thrown in their eyes, and worn out with noise, clamour, and business ; every now and then they were roused up, when their eye- balls glared about in a sort of blank specula- tion, as their supervisors, gently taking them by the nose, whispered in their ears, (which were of prodigious length) the peculiar shades of quality, of the new arrivals of goods for the mill.-— The appearance of these supervi- sors, or beadles, who seemed to direct all the operations, was something fanciful and co- mic, and their look (as they all squinted at an obtuse angle) was not ungermain to the old women pilots that left the Simplicity in the lurch — their dress too, equally frivolous an-d gaudy ; and, in addition to a peacock's plume IX stuck behind their ears, which tickled their noses, they wore an enormous goosequill, by way of sword, which trained along* the ground, like a dragoon's — each, too, was hung round with several inflated bladders (from their own manufactory) filled with bits of tin and tinsel, which gingled as they jumped about, and welcomed, or introduced, the traders to their two masters — and took their stuffs from them to throw into the hoppers of the mill. — This done, the welcome traders filed off to a string of clerks, who settled with them for the raw material, and arranged the prices and toll for it, when it should come out solid dough, or food — to be inflated (to rise per se was hope- less) and transmitted all over the land. These clerks were all seated close to the magnifi- coes, their masters; and here the various dealers made their bow at a kind of levee ; shook hands, embraced, and beslobbered each other; exchanging bladders, as a token of esteem, and vowing an eternal union, one and undivisible I — subscribing, at the same time, a sort of Lloyd's insurance, against the possibi- lity of the loss of any one of their cargoes! This mutual assurance was solemnly signed by both the magnificoes, who were nudged at the elbow by the supervisors for that import- ant purpose, they being the chief underwriters. While this scene was going on in the great audience hall, the mariners, curious to see the details of composition below, and preparation from the dough ; preparing in visible obscurity, stepped into the dark abodes underground — when they beheld a hundred small traders receiving their own identical ground stuff, and each taking it to his peculiar cell, or trough, for its last finish; by mixing it with little mag- gots which they picked out of their own heads, and which at first, these simple spec- tators thought an odd taste I taking these little vermin, as they poked them in and mix- ed them up, for a familiar sort well known in the heads of children and the vulgar — some of their heads were astonishingly prolific — and by the help of a pocket glass or mi- croscope, the sailors made out their names, (not that horrid one of I e) ; which, on their mixing with the denser matter, appeared visible, very much altering the consistency of the mass according to their numbers or proportions — some of the names ran thus — milk and wafer, (true no meaning)— force- meat bathos balls,— affectation dust,— la- M chrymose common place,- strained inci- dents, — lame conclusions, — worn-out pun peal, — namhy-pamhy twaddle, — indecent scandal,— fashionable tact borrowed,— flat smalt beer, terrible and disgusting, — aped viisanthroijy, — affected candour, — flimsy, frippery, prettiness of conceit, — (these little beasts were the hardest to catch^-^insipid perfection, — stupidity, — cheese parings of vogue, — small gentility, — servile imitation, petty smartness, — lifeless beauty, intolerance and envy ! -such were some of the marks these maggots left imprinted on the goods, as they were wriggled into the grosser mass, like plums, and became incorporate — but as these traders worked in an obscure light, where the broad and shining rays of the sun never pe- netrated, or lit on their sculls, while they were hunting and picking out their different mag- gots, the sailors were convinced many worais escaped their notice, of the same stamp. They returned once more to the hall, and foolishly offered their package of wares to the supervisors, seeing there was no chance of profit, or even existence, without their help — but no sooner had their worships cast their eyes on it — than they turned up their noses, XII sneezed thrice, shook their heads, and turned away — at length, by humble entreaty, they condescended to advance with it to the mag- nificoes, and whispering in their ears, held the goods before their sleepy visions — on which they both suddenly started, frowned, and in a simultaneous disdainful and heavy toss of their heads, unhappily knocked them against each other! One went off in a fit — while the other, goggling like an owl, scowled the instant dis- missal of the intruding, friendless wretches- gathering up their only hope, they gained the light of heaven once more — and breathed a natural and vivifying air — the world was all before them — and they determined to travel .slowly over the kingdom, in the hope of find- ing, here and there, a sensible, unaffected, and natural being, to take pity on them — though they knew that what they had to offer was of little value — and that the market for that spe- cies of ware, or food, was already glutted — and the provision of the magnifico just left, crammed down the throats of His Majesty's lieges far and near — the great body of the na- tion, having got used to it, and having no taste or knowledge of or for any other, re- lished it greatly — and bolted down the fresh XIU supplies, with increased appetites — a few, in- deed, made wry faces — owing to having been in the woods and iSelds, and running about too much, looking at nature and the sun — a foolish trick — while a still fewer loathed their food, and grew sick, after a mouthful or two — but nobody minded them. At length the poor sailors regained the open country, somewhere near the hills of Harrow or Hampstead — and breathing in a fresher and clearer air, thanked God for having delivered them from the somniferous fogs that hang over the busy race below. — They were sane, gay, and vigorous, and the world was all before them — they disliked the idea of beg- ging, and, but for the distance, so far North-, would have claimed the assistance of one of the only two geniuses alive — the other living in a cottage in the west^ was himself poor, and had given some signs of late of an un- charitable cast — all things considered, they were " puzzled in the extreme," when, as they gained the high road ***** *****i!> ERRATA. Page Line 123 2 for piece or read piece of 124 20 for two read too 211 18 for Euphemia read Euphemie 2IG 20 for vi'ennul read niennule. THE NAVY **AT HOME." CHAPTER I. In which youngJIawser is introduced to the Sea: with some Account of himself, his Family, and of his Messmates. i T was one of those days expressly calculated to put a jolly tar's slender stock of philosophy to the proof, and in which he swears an extra prayer or two, in benediction of the fat-faced iEolus puffing the lowering clouds with cutting force, and driving the fast faUing snow in his phiz — in the month of December, towards the beginning of this our enlightened century, that the gallant and fast sailing frigate, the Apollo, lay pitching (with a gentle roll) at her anchors at Spilhead — all was snug on board — the decks, in spite of the weather, had been long since washed VOL. I B 2 white and clean as a " hound's tooth ;" and " swabbed,'' had they been, dry — but the said snow had rendered Jack's efforts in this way provokingly useless ; yet still he swore and swabbed, as in duty bound. It was now something past eight o'clock, the hammocks piped up, and the yards squared, and many a thrilling pipe (headed by the boatswain, and pursued through three pair of as strong lungs as had that buffer himself to boast of) kindly consigned the whole ship's company, with their affectionate Polls and Sails, to the Hwixt decks to their breakfasts : great was the coil of steam issuing from the passing kids (buckets) filled with scalding water, underwhich liquid suffused a portion of good strong bohea. — And O ! ye rosy' and lovely nymphs, who at that instant (or an hour later) the loves and graces had decked from your soft pillows, and led to luxurious par- lours, where a more refined concoction of hy- son, gunpowder, or pekoe, poured from ten thousand silver tea-pots regaled ye, do not — do not, sweet girls, despise poor Jack's more homely method of brewing this kindly beve- rage, albeit, dulcified with the commonest brown sugar, and innocent of milk, new or old, is yet no contemptible comforter of the stomach. Now had the first lieutenant, with majestic stride (the captain on shore) and thoughtful brow, given certain orders to the mate of the watch, and disappeared down the after-ladder on the same errand with the tars forward, namely to eat his breakfast, when the fresh beef cutter, after buffeting with lusty oar the chopping swell for more than an hour, with many oaths, and many a ** give way my lads''— '' that's it"— *« stick to her"— " easy the larboard oars" from the midshipman in command of her, nearly reached the longed- for haven, the gangway — and no less longed for by those on board, let us add, since with sundry quarters of beef, her cargo and vege- tables, she stowed away a certain quantity of new baked bread or soft Tommy, and new milk, food for the gods alone, and which im- portant supply good mother Half-Ton in her bum-boat had not been able to reach the ship with, in consequence of the roughness of the day, — while Jack waits on the gang- way hammocks, with a rope in his hand, coiled ready to fling for their aid ; let us de- scend an instant below hatches and take a b2 peep at the midshipman's birth — where on the larboard side (anglice the left) something obscured, by a doubtful daylight making its way through the skuttle, or small window, (four inches by twelve), pierced in the tough «ide of Apollo, and eked out with a purser s glim or farthing rush-light, which glimmered in the centre of a long table, sat fifteen of as jolly and handsome fellows (one or two ex- cepted) as all the world could produce at one board, and perhaps no spot of earth but this our isle could, take them all in all, turn out, in all the flush of high health,— high youth ^—blessed ignorance — :and its concomitant conceit. This goodly assembly were headed by a portly personage, yclept a master's mate, and raised to the dignity of caterer ; he had the advantage of all the rest in at least some twenty years of age, and an additional fathom of waist in circumference, supposed to have been engendered, spite of an active life, by an excessive stupidity and joviality, of which in- deed his face gave assurance, from its likeness to the full moon, as painted by our most ap- proved sign painters ; if indeed an uncom- mon quantity of rum had any share in it (as he took his full whack of the shares of all the youngsters, to his own peculiar care), we should not wonder, but we will not trench on the dignity of this our history, by suppositions, which might, by possibility, be injurious to a very worthy fellow in the main, and then known to his messmates, under the cognomen of Billy Buffer, or Old Billy Buffer ; for on board ship, " old " is a sort of endearing pre- cursor of speech, applied sometimes to youths, but ahvays to every soul that approaches or passes thirty years of age. But to the assembly — there was a solemn silence as the hoy of the mess, that is, the servant ; for, poor fellow, he had long since shaken hands with his teens, and led the most d — nable life in his present post, it is possible for the most fruitful imagination to conceive ; being, indeed, what with soot, and vexation, and bad feeding, scalding, and cuffs, reduced to an exact picture of Ro- meo's apothecary, as dressed out by our mo- dern acto?«— this most despised of gods and men, we say then, had just placed an immense tin teapot before the officiating high priest, and a twin teakettle at his feet, after suitably bawling out as he entered their august pre- sences for their edification, and the commodity of adjacent shins, the emphatic word " sQal- dings ! " This was but the prelude to more ear- nest work, for the which, the confusion of Babel was silenced, and what was more, a very learned argument between a doctor's mate, one Mr. Gravity, whose countenance vied in stupidity and fat with Mr. Buffer's; and a Mr. Lackwit, a very smart young fel- low, who, having already served four years, and arrived at eighteen years of age, and the envied post of mate of a watch^ and oldster in the birth (he had his say according to age) where they sat in a most exact and scrupulous seniority, from the high priest, or caterer, at the upper end of the table, from whence all the good things were dispensed, to the darker and further end, where scarce a ray of the blessed light reached, and where indeed it was as desert of eatables, as any of those sandy tracts to the left of the prolific Nile ; and where, generally speaking, th^* occupiers were quite as hungry and thirsty, as the exhausted traveller in that desert, receiving but a scanty supply from the bashaw of the district. This young gentleman then having in law the right, from his office, of speech and dispu- tation ; we find we must avoid metaphor, or would we liken the quashed argumentbetween these worthies aforesaid, to the responses of the famed Pythoness in mystery, or the Cumean Sibyl — though indeed, in this latter instance, there were no leaves scattered about but of an old Hamilton Moore ; now there is no knowing whether the said argument, which (though we are not sure at this dis- tance of time) we believe to have been about a cock and a bull, would have ended without going to the ultimo ratio of good fisty cuff, esteemed the most satisfactory and convincing possible, had it not been, as we have said, sud- denly arrested, and all the clatter of heels, knives, cups and saucers, and tongues, simul- taneously hushed by the appearance down the after ladder of the expected supply of bread, milk, and butter, aforesaid, without which nothing could be done ; and having happily been handed up the gangway at this very instant, was as expeditiously handed towards the assembly. In a trice, three enor- mous quarterns flew out, and into as many hands as could snatch at them with uplifted knife — in vain the high priest cried ^' quietly/' grabbing, with peculiar care, at a first slice, and brandishing a pound of butter, with equal coolness and determination, though disputed by no less than four pair of claws. At this instant, following the same supply^ came thundering down the ladder, and drag- ging something in human shape, dressed in a red coat after him, the midshipman (Mr. Theophilus Tugjunk) who had been in the boat for the said provender, and who now called out with a voice of thunder, or rather the growl of a bear, to which quiet and well bred quadruped, he bore no bad resemblance, either in make or disposition, " I say, hoy! avast there I halves! d my eyes, not so fast — don't gammon a fellow — here's a lad wants something as well as yourselves — you've no 'casion to be in such a b y hurry : come, shove in there youngster! sheer off!" after which pithy ex- ordium, he thrust the unfortunate being round the table, half on the backs of those in the way, to a spot among the youngest at the lower end, where, having jammed him into a place between two, who seemed in no hurry to make room, he regained his own seat (left vacant, near the caterer) in a twinkling, seized on the remains of one of the ponder- ous quarterns, which he generously divided with his protegee, throwing it along the table, and calling out to ''pass it up" and'' give the youngster a cup and saucer, and knife, d his eyes !" So busy by this time indeed, were the whole fraternity that their new and fancifully dressed guest was hardly noticed, nor was it without sundry " d ing of eyes" (which we take to be synonomous with the sweet gentle " my gracious and goodness'* of young ladies) that the unfortunate subject of this our history (for it was no less a personage) obtained a cup and saucer. But a nausea in- separable from the first smell of tar, and the motion he had undergone, had left him no appetite, fully occupied too in surveying the strange assembly round him, who, for the moment, were too intent on their grub to pay much attention to the stranger. Of this short quiet, we shall take advan- tage to give some little description of his birth, parentage, and education. Heaven send we do not be too prolix — nor run into those forbodings of genius, from shedding of teeth or robbing apple trees, or getting whipped b3 10 at school, which make such formidable pre- ludes to great men's lives. The lad, who now sat pale and shivering at the mess table, trying to make out the persons of this awful set, through a strange light in which the purser's glim and six inches of day- light, with rays oblique, struggled for the mastery, might have been about 14 or 15 years of age ; of rather a genteel figure, though swathed up in the strangest costume that surely ever poor boy had been con- demned to ; it consisted in coarse corderoy breeches, worsted stockings, and hessian boots ; a scarlet close coat, and white metal buttons ; over which he wore a spencer of coarse blue cloth ; a bran new beaver, with a smart cockade, seemed the only decent part of his outward man, which, being hung up on one of the pegs, displayed a face that might be called handsome, though rather dark, and a nose something too Roman to please all tastes. It seems (from what we can gather from a few obscure notes) that the lad's name was Horatio Flagstaff Hawser, and eldest son of Sir Careless Flagstaff Hawser; a descendant of that numerous family of Staff's, possibly branches of the Falstaffs, Bickerstaffs, Wag- II sfafiFs, &c., of familiar and happy memory in Old England ; be this as it may, the father of our youth had, early in life, led what is called a fashionable life about town ; had been oc- casionally, it was whispered, of the Prince's parties; when wit, fun, frolic, and ruinous expense were the order of the day. His pa- trimony, always slender, was soon swallowed up in this life, and an imprudent marriage sealed his ruin and total obscurity in the West of England, on a small farm, which he no more knew how to manage than did poor " Booth,'* or any other gentleman farmer — the consequence was, that with an increasing family, came increasing want. His eldest son had, about two years before the beginning of this history, been taken from a small grammar school in an adjacent vil- lage (where two younger boys were left) to superintend, or rather labour in the fields ; to such straits was the unfortunate Sir Care- less reduced ; — so that the sum total of the lad's education amounted but to a slender smattering in Latin ; being, about this time, infinitely more read in Fielding, Smollett, Pope, Dryden, and Shakespeare, which he de- voured at home, than Virgil, Horace, Caesar, 12 or Cicero : Indeed he knew nothing of anti- quity, any more than the salt water worthies he had been popped among on the morning in question. But this defect was made amends for, by that " bona indoleft'' which supplies artificial defects. He had some good sense ^ihsit rare and immediate gift of heaven !!! and which so very few, educated or uneducated, are possessed of; he had too the dawniugs of an intuitive good taste in most matters ; which wanted but knowledge and experience to bring into play : in disposition he was kind, but too irrascible and sensitive — and infinitely too romantic for the sea ; for he had already been in love, to desperation, with a neighbouring Baronet's daughter — though he had never seen any more of her than the flounce of her gown one day as she got into her father's coach. He was too ill clad ever to have been invited to the house, or to have gone if he had, where, however, his father was frequently a guest ; not without something of that restraint which ill accorded with a ge- nerous mind, or his own wounded pride; but which was, nevertheless, the exact measure between splendour and penury — for, even in England, title has little defence from con- 13 tempt, when unsupported by a fine house and an equipage ; and the inequality was, in this instance, made daily more apparent between the knights, by an excessive improvidence on the part of the poorer, that seemed but to in- crease with difficulties of all sorts— nor was it to be wondered at, that the poor knight scarcely maintained a shabby genteel appear- ance, while his children were in rags and, not unfrequently, nearly barefoot !* But even, barefooted as he was, young Hawser scrib- bled couplets to the black eyebrows of a neighbouring farmer's daughter, or, if re- pulsed, to the village publican's child's blue eyes ; in short his heart vras always in a flutter — and the little wenches he came across, in his mind's eye, so many little divinities; asleep or awake, or making hay, or taking care of the horses; for, almost the whole care of the farming concern, had been shifted to his young shoulders, while his unfortunate dad consoled himself over his brown October, for the which he had, from sundry very na- • Our taste is not of the false order, to overstep the immuta- ble bounds of nature and of truth in our colourings ! — the readei will marvel ! but this is drawn from the life. 14 tural causes, an unlimited credit at the sign of the Bull, in a neighbouring village, where the curate and surgeon made up a very respect- able and sensible triumvirate, in which poli- tics, the belles lettres, the arts, sciences, vertii, &c. took their turn, with an occa- sional game at whist, whenever a poor half- pay lieutenant in the neighbourhood joined them. Twelve months had passed in this man- ner, when Sir Careless (who spent his whole waking time in a comfortable reverie) was roused by the accidental intelligence of the Apollo, commanded by the gallant gay Cap- tain Oakheart, having arrived at Spithead, after a brilliant cruise in which he had, though but four and twenty, greatly distinguished himself by his excellent judgment and cool- ness in an affair on the French coast, off Cherbourg, when attacked by two of the ene- my*s frigates ; w^hich he not only beat off, but took a privateer, while yet they were in sight, in spite of their united efforts to prevent. The young captain, on arriving at Portsmouth, had run up to town ; had been received by the first lord at the Admiralty with open arms, for it was not the first by many occa- 15 sions on which he had distinguished himself, as much by the most heroic courage as for a coolness and method which is not so frequently joined, and makes the former inestimable. — No wonder then, that, united as it was with extreme generosity and great good nature, he was beloved by the lieutenants and the mids, worshipped by the seamen, and extremely respected by every soul on board. Even in the west end of the town, where the merits of a sea captain are not very striking objects, nor the oeconomy of his ship a matter of interest or concern, yet was the youthful captain, from his connexion, carriage, po- lished manners, and handsome person, a wel- come guest in more than one house in and about Grosvenor Square ; led out heiresses and titles, and beauties almost every night in the festive dance, and was, in short, a star of the first magnitude. Had it been in 1826 or 7, he would have been called a Uon^ with infi- nitely more propriety than the greater part of our more recent lions, being in truth much more like jack-asses. Nature had given him' indeed, an uncommonly fine figure, and a handsome face — no wonder several girls shed tears as fast as Araby's woods '* their medicinal 16 gums," when he bid adieu, and rattled down once more, after a short absence, to his ship. But to return to the country : Sir Careless, roused by the name of which he just recol- lected he had some slight knowledge, from the circumstance of his having dined with the captain, at a noble lord's, some three years previous — roused, we say, by what he con- ceived a most happy thought, he sat him down in the neat sanded parlour of the Bull, where the identical paper lay that now moved him to action, by a whole column of pany- geric on the said captain and his frigate, and indited the following epistle : — " To G. OaMieart, Esq. Commander of H. M.S. Apollo:'' *' MY DEAR SIR, " I consider myself particularly for- tunate in being able, from the accident (a happy one I shall ever esteem it) of our being thrown together at my Lord Goodfeed's, to congratulate you most heartily on your late brilliant affair: indeed, we humdrums, in the country are not kept in ignorance, thanks to the press, of your great deserts, though so far IT removed from the scene of your triumphs. — How proud, how happy, nay, let me say how obliged I should be, if a son of mine who, I assure you, does not want for intelligence, and is a well grown lad enough, could be allowed to commence his noviciate in the sea service under your command. I will not say more than that I have been for some time anxious to give him a profession, and none seems to me so eligible as one where, inde- pendent of its intrinsic merits, such men as yourself give a lustre to, which makes it out- shine all others — not unmindful of the honour of your notice, and the great and solid ad- vantage of his being under your immediate eye. " Should this favour be possible, I will not lose a moment in sending him down to Ports- mouth to join your ship. " Believe me, my dear Sir, "your very obliged, '* obedient humble servant, " Careless F. Hawser," 18 The return of post brought back the fol- lowiDg; answer ;— *' MY DEAR SIR CARELESS, '* I am extremely proud of the flat- tering compliments you are pleased to pay me, which indeed equally belong to the officers and seamen of my ship as individually to myself. The fact is, that at this moment, I have more than my complement of midship- men and youngsters on board, but as you particularly wish it, you may, if you please, send your son on board, and he must take his chance. — We are under sailing orders, so that it will be necessary for him to be here on Wednesday at furthest. '* Yours, very sincerely, " G. Oakheart." The father of Horatio, for such was the Christian lame of our subject, had no sooner read this answer than swallowing off the re- mains of his mug he strode across two fields to his own humble cottage, with the most anxious haste, and sending for his son, who was at that instant littering the horses, feeding the cows, and thinking of a sweet note expres- 19 sive of his everlasting love for Betsey Thorn, the then favorite and next neighbour's plump daughter, with a face of the most consum- mate wisdom and importance (for he ever loved, though a most good natured man to inspire his children with a vast idea of his dignity), placed the said epistle in his hands-^ crying out*' There sir, what d'ye think of that? In two days you will be one of His Majesty* s officers,— Gh ! ah ! — ha ! ha !— hem ! " This magnificent good news threw Horatio into ^n ecstasy of joy, which he expressed by a thou- sand extravagancies, and thanks to his father ; for in truth the poor lad did not want for reflection, and often lamented a life that seemed to him capable of leading to nothing but wretched and prolonged bodily labour ; ill suited to the few lights he possessed, or his natural inclinations, which to say truth, were violently inclined (a chip of the old block) to the indolent and the amorous ; true, he enjoy- ed the confidence, and often the unreserved conversation of his father, who could, when not crossed and plagued by his pressing ex- igences, be the most agreeable entertaining man on earth : He had long conversed with the world, and lived much among its greatest 20 ornaments, so that to a rich fund of anecdote he joined that ease and elegance in his manner, which was sure to gain the hearts of all those who came in contact with him ; — as to his son, he looked up to him as his model, and when his glaring defects were not unhappily forced on him^ namely, a too great love of the bot- tle, and the consequent want attendant on thoughtless extravagance and want of method, he loved, admired, and revered him with his whole heart. These were good signs in so young a mind ; those who cannot love and admire the excellencies of others are gene- rally, nay always, good for nothing them- selves. These moments of admiration were, how- ever, unhappily often broken in on ; — charac- ter is so chequered ! — the same man often so good and so bad, that in the same day he may be loved and detested! Her ladyship too, who, poor soul, had never enjoyed one hour such as her rank might have promised her — condemned to an endless slavery and drud- gery of the house, and care of her children, did not put up with it without many battles of words with her better half, in which she had always indeed the best of it, Sir Careless 21 taking himself off to the Bull, till the storm blew over. — In these moments of irritation the son shared the just indignation of his mo- ther, whose side he could not help secretly espousing" ; for although her disposition was not of that milk and honey quality whicli smoothed all difficulties, as in the mind of the head of this family, and accommodated itself to all sorts of deficiencies, except that of a mug of ale, or a bottle of wine — yet was reason generally on her side — and she poured her sorrows into the symphathising bosom of her eldest son, who, as he partook of her fatigues, so did he of her disappointments and her griefs. These clouds were not so frequent in the skies, but that whole weeks of sunshine gilded their thatch, and it happily occurred at this moment;, that a most perfect harmony reigned throughout the house ; nor should we forget an only sister, the sweetest disposi- tioned, most sensible creature that ever lived, who never failed, though little more than thirteen years old, to accelerate little conci- liations whenever these domestic diisagree- ables occurred. Maria, indeed, was her mother's right- hand, and did, with the neatness and grace of a lady, a thousand labours in the interior of the house, which are generally consigned to maid-servants — but with intelligence, in- dustry, good sense, and good taste, what may not be effected in a family by woman I nor can a whole bevy of mercenary menials sup- ply their place where these qualities are un- happily wanted. Poor Horatio, however, felt something like a pang at the idea of being torn from his family, his fields, his plough-horses, his cows, and even his pigs — they were old ac(juaintance, he talked gib- berish to them, fed them, and caressed them; his garden too, where he now and then dug and raked with his father (who by the way, was a most excellent horticulturist and florist, though a bad farmer ; Sir Careless's garden and fruit being the theme of many a gossiping story far and near) ; all this was to be quitted, what was worse, the blooming Betsy must be forgotten, whom he loved most violently just about this time, and we are afraid not with that strict virtue desirable, but whatever Betsy might have yielded by time 2S and frequent meetings by stealth half way between the two houses, ce.rtain it is she had as yet behaved with a most rigid prudence, and dame Nature was not likely to deal more hardly with them at parting than in similar cases, where a week is enough to drive out one image, and a momentary glance long enough to receive another with equal ar- dour. The first burst of surprise and joy which was shewed by the mother and daughter, who were in their little parlour at the time, being over, Lady Hawser, who was always the first to consider of ways and means, casting her eyes on her son and heir, who cut a most shabby figure in tattered jacket and trowsers, asked very naively how and by " what means the boy was to be made fit to be seen ? for," said she, *' my dear you know he has not got a coat to his back," (nor a shirt either she might have added). On this knotty question a grand consultation was held, and many plans were devised, such as borrowing; credit with the tailor of the village ; and lastly, conversion of sundry cast off, half worn gay habiliments of Sir Careless's, care* fully preserved in the drawers since his forced rl retirement from the world ; here indeed was a mine rich as an old clothes shop, and made up of the same heterogeneous finery, for some were court suits, siik, and satin, embroidered ; and all of the gayest colours, something in- deed faded, but not to that sobriety that well suited a man of war, nor were they any thing like the colour requisite, or the fashion ; on this head, however, there prevailed a most happy ignorance, which was as happily ex- emplified in the selection of a scarlet dress coat, a pair of buckskin breeches, corderoy ditto, which, with one violet satin waistcoat, were conceived would make, when submitted to the shears of Hemhard the tailor, a most elegant and appropriate suite for gala days on board ; this was no sooner settled, very much to the satisfaction of all concerned, than it was packed off to the shop of the said operator, where being duly measured, they were not long in bringing down to the di- mensions of their new lord and master. As it was impossible to do without a present suit ; a coarse second cloth was made up into a sort of coatee and breeches, of blue ; and the doctor kindly made over at half price, a white topped pair of boots to incase his legs in, 25 their being a mile too large was not consi- dered material ; a very good hat, after much running' about was obtained, to which sister Maria made a very smart cockade. The first day of all this finery was indeed a proud one, and being a Sunday, the village church con- gregation were edified by the appearance of Master Horatio Hawser, in the strangest cos- tame (if we consult our present ideas on that head) that had ever met mortal eye ! Horatio strutted in and out with nothing in his head but the magnificence of his appearance; the good folks stared, and the baronet's family, who were present, contrived to smother a titter, as the two families saluted each other, not that on the whole, it appeared quite so ridiculous as it would now-a-days, for the eighteenth century was but just passed, and powdered finery, laces, scarlets, &c. were still adhered to by many. The next morning, with eyes full of tears, they took leave of each other; many bless- ings were showered on him by his affectionate mother and sister, who put a guinea in his hand at parting — the first time in his life gold had ever crossed his palm. As the stage-coach passed only two miles off, on the great west- VOL. L C 26 ern road, Sir Careless took his son by the hand to see hira so far on his road to high for- tune, and the sea ; and as they went along, over the fields together, having sent a small trunk round by Daniel, their old servant (an old negro who had been in the American wars) he thus addressed his child: — *' My dear Horatio 1 come, keep your spirits up — What ! an officer I indeed you must cry no more ; it is unmanly ; besides, w^e shall soon see you again — you know I love you and shall feel, so shall we all, much at a loss for you. And who is to do all you have done for me, like a good boy God only knows! for as to Dan, I cannot trust him in everything, and you know 1 myself am incapable of great bodily fatigue, and besides, I have a thousand things to think of, of much more moment." (This must have alluded to the numerous castles, he was continually building in the air) — Horatio dried his eyes. " You are now my boy, going among gentlemen, where nothing is thought of but the highest degree of honour — you recollect those lines of Horace ? where he so beautifully describes an ardent attach- ment to our country, in which the idea of 27 fear iu her defence can never intrude — eh ? Fielding", you must recollect, has beautifully rendered it." Here he launched into — " Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori," &c. &c. " I am sure you feel how exquisite, how true this is. You are now going to fight for your country, and among those who are strangers to fear, as they are to meanness of any description ; you will be perfectly at home as soon as you are among them. Here is a letter for you to the captain, my particular friend, who will let you have what money you may want, and direct you what to do. You will be extremely comfortable, have a cabin to yourself, and a servant to attend on you, and in short be treated in every respect as a gentleman: your style will be (of course my dear boy, as you have never in your life seen a ship, those mighty engines of the mistress of the ocean I you can have no ideaof the thing) '■ (jenlleman of the quarter -deck^ — very dilfe- reiit, egad, from your life hitherto, I promise you ; there you will cultivate your mind-, and assume that carriage and bearing-, which your hirth indeed entitles you to." c 2 "^ Here Sir Careless drew himself up, for he had the most romantic notions of birth and rank. After particular directions where to find the captain at Portsmouth, in what way to salute him, with the most '^* profound, yet manly respect," he concluded thus: — " I am sadly vexed that it is impossible for me to accompany you down, but once on board, and as I have told you, you will be quite at home, among a set of hearty generous fel- lows, who will vie with each other in delicacy and kindness towards you, and who will in- struct you in your peculiar duties. Our nautical readers will smile at the crudity of our knight's ideas of the navy ! but to this day his Majesty's shore-going lieges have but \'ague notions of sea-dogs. Travelling in those days was nearly as expe- ditious as at the present moment ; what it may be when certain projected air tubes or tun- nelSy or those steam carriages, just beginning to run^ are in full play, there is no knowing with any thing like precision — suffice it to say, that, in a few minutes after Sir Careless had ceased to speak, his son was mounted on the top of the coach, having embraced his father most affectionately, and shook old 29 Daniel by the hand; who called out, as the coach drove off, " Gar 'a Mighty bless you massa ! if I was twenty year more young nor 1 am, so help me Gor* I go wid you." The next morning he was in Portsmouth ; thrown on the wide world, and a strange one to him, with two guineas and a half in his pocket ; one of which his mother had given him, as we have before observed, and the rest was all the cash Sir Careless had it in his power to furnish his son with, independant of paying his fare. This wretched sum looked, however, immensely respectable in the eyes of a boy, who hardly ever possessed a whole shilling of his own before ; and he was an utter stranger to the wants of his new situa- tion — not to mention those of luxury. If he thought at all about the matter, the letter to the captain, he imagined, was to supply every thing ; and in this happy confidence, his trunk being deposited in the office, he began to en- quire in the high street for the captain's lodgings. It so happened that the first person he came across, swaggering up the street, was no other than Mr. Tugjunk, who had left the boat in charge of the coxswain at Sally Port, so and had taken a step upwards on his own particular affairs ; namely, to warm his sto- mach at the Fountain, which inn he pa- tronised. Seeing an officer with a sword by his side, our hero thought he could not do better than ask if he could direct him to Cap- tain Oakheart ; which august name no sooner struck on the lug of the said officer, than he came to a full stand, and giving his glazed cocked-hat a cant to |?or/, so as to describe a right angle with his nose, or " money in both pocJcets'^'^ and eyeing the enquirer from head to foot, with a most supercilious and knowing expression, asked what might be his business with him — on which, with many bows and some confusion, the boy made known his case 4 at the same time showing him the letter. Whether it was that the title of Sir Careless, which came out accidently, caused a sudden revolution in the manner and features of this gentleman, or whether the letter to the cap- tain had benevolently relaxed a certain air of disdain he had assumed, is not material ; cer- tain it is, that no sooner had the youth told his story, than he assumed a look of great good nature ; told him, in return, that the 31 captain was not in town that morning (or possibly he would have been more cautious in leaving: the boat); and that, as he was going to join the ship, he might as well come along at once, as the captain was sure to be off in the course of the day or next morning — Hawser was not slow in accepting this proposal, and being directed by this sea Ajax to take a turn on the Parade till he came back; he obeyed, by turning up as far as the battery, and for the first time in bis life saw Old Ocean, in no very sweet mood, lashing the walls of the Esplanade, and throwing the salt spray all round. Many noble ships lie at Spithead, whose top-gallants, as they rolled majestic at their anchors, described a segment of a circle in the air ; their streaming pendants kept at right angles by the whistling winds, seemed to bid a bold defiance to the elements. It was not exactly a gale, but what sailors term a sharp breeze, which seemed rather turning to a gale than inclined to abate. The Isle of Wight was scarcely visible, and, to mend the matter, about this. time it came on to snow. Altogether there was much of the bitter mixed up with Horatio's sensa- 3^ tions of wonder and admiration at so many objects of magnificence and novelty. He, indeed, foreboded nothing ill, nor even re- motely imagined what sort of a thing the inside of a ship was ; but his young heart felt, severely felt, his present separation from those he loved. The irksome part of his past life seemed now, that it was quit for ever, to be softened : his labour, wretched appearance, and total absence of what are commonly called pleasures, seemed now to be less hate- ful ; and to be so blended with what he loved most tenderly, as scarcely to leave him any consolation ; his ten minutes' w^alk on the battery were, perhaps, of a more bitter anguish than he ever after felt, or ever felt before. This was happily soon broken in on by the reappearance of Mr. Tug^unk, who hailing him with '' Hoy, my hearty ! here we are !" They proceeded towards the boat together ; Tug- junk casting many a significant glance at the skirts of the red coat, at last remarked, with a sortof sly dryness, that he supposed Mr Hawser meant to enter in the line of the horse-ma- rines ; to which Horatio, not understanding a word he said, assented with equal gravity. S3 Two of the men having been sent up for the trunk, they now shoved off, and the unfortu- nate youth was very soon as sick as a dog, and wet to the skin ; and in this plight was he handed on board, and down to the mid- shipmen's berth, where we have left him ru- minating on his destiny, Mr. Tugjunk hav- ing reported him to the first lieutenant ; to whom he was to pay his respects, and report himself, as soon as (Bruin observed) he had got his breakfast aboard. This friendly wish was, however, not likely to be realised that day. We w^ould fain, before we proceed with this story, give a sketch of the young gentlemen, who we have left so busily tucking in their soft tommy or gruh ; but it would fill a vo- lume to meddle with them all, and we find we must content ourselves with the most promi- nent characters. The caterer has been particu- larized ; and the next to him in authority, from the weight of his body and fist — namely, Theophilus Tugjunk, gent. Both these gen- tlemen had commenced their career incolliers, and had, we believe, been, in the first instance, pressed into the service, where, after many years meritorious service, they obtained births c3 34 as master^ s mates, where they remained many years more, and assumed the officer and gen- tleman ; albeit, ratlier in a lower scale of re- finement when compared with real midship- men " horn and bred with a silver spoon in their mouths ;'^ but whatev^er weight they might have been deficient in on the score of gentility, their personal prowess gave them a decided lead when off deck ; and in the berth there was none hardy enough to dispute their authority; three persons excepted, whom we will just mention. The first was a Mr. Lack wit, the son and heir of a rich tradesman in town — " mate of a watch, ^' and a passed mid ; " the force of merit could no further go :'^ added to this he was the best dressed man in the ship, the captain excepted ; indeed it seemxcd on more than one occasion, at least in this particular, that he had a sovereign contempt for every other living soul on board. An excellent officer himself, he knew his duty exactly ; (ignorant as mud of every other thing in this world); very taciturn and sententious, he passed off an empty head for a very full one ; and was the oracle of just half the youngsters, whom he kept in the most profound awe by 35 the streng:th of his fist, helped out by the strength of his understanding: he had too, for a whole year, it seems, prided himself in a knowledge of certain words of Latin, so well economised, that more than one tough argu- ment had been closed by one of the said por- tentious words, at which the unhappy oppo- nent stood at bay ! But, about this time, a doctor's mate joined, who was allowed to beat him hollow, and who had, on one occa- sion, sent forth a whole sentence quoted, as he said, from Virgil ; to which the other nodded a knowing recognition, and never after delivered one word more of that lan- guage. Tugjunk, who was of the adverse party, from some pique, swore he was " dumb foundered,'' which was echoed with a roar by all his side. Shortly after they all agreed he knew nothing about the matter: and thus things stood; being forced to console himself and his adherents, with the reflection, that the said doctor's mate was ill dressed, spoke hor- rible English, and wrote worse; and was, on the whole, a very shabby poor devil ; — and for once he w^as right > The next in consequence was the captaui's clerk ; a sort of broken down tradesman he 36 had been, and what else nobody knew, though there was a gap, in the history of his life, of twenty good years, which he nev^er touched on : indeed, he was equally mysterious on other parts, for the shopkeeping part of the story was but whispered about. This gentle- man was about forty-five, with a dull yellow countenance and prominent large eyes, flabby, shambling person, and grey head: as he had been clerk in a receiving ship, time out o' mind, he was the most knowing kiddy^ by many degrees, in the berth ; besides, he had a vast fund of low humour, if not wit, which was wont to set the table in a roar, at the expense of the more feeble of its members; he, carefully abstaining from all jests where an appeal to the argumentuni ad hominem might be anticipated; his tales and anecdotes were wonderfully adapted to his audience, consisting, for the most part, in the mar- vellous! — of his own great deserts, and w^hat HE had done, and the roguery and knavish- ness of sundry pursers and pursers' stewards — on this theme he dilated extremely. Then he spouted tragedy! particularly when about half seas over, or fuzzy, which, from a con- stant habit of helping himself from the rum 87 case out of regular hours, and a very close application while the bottle circulated pro bono, never failed to occur every day after dinner; or, more properly speaking, after tea, for as they dined at twelve exactly in the mids' berth, and as the duty of the ship interfered with their conviviality, the grand setting-io always took place after tea, w^hen the oldsters, or choice spirits, held their orgies in close conclave, from which the youngsters were most carefully excluded, no doubt, on account of their precious morals! — If for the better appropriation of their lawful share of rum, we will not say, though indeed they were perfectly aware that the whole of any sub- stance or thing is more than the half, and this they had doubtless extracted from Euclid, being the sum total of their researches in that dry mathematician. In these moments, Toby, or Old Toby as they familiarly called the said scribe, was par- ticularly in his element (a. rum one J, and his flashes of merriment respor.ded to every glass of half-and-half, he conveyed to his lips— . he had, indeed, by long habit, and as a fence against disappointment and grief, acquired a most unbounded affection for grog; and 38 though every oldster in the berth was equally- fond in the main, yet was his attention to the rum bottle the most unremitting and assi- duous. As he came next in berth-orial dig- nity, from his age and acquirements, andiong service, to Mr. BillybufFer, the caterer, so did he sit next him on his left hand, keeping up the civil counterpoise to the military Tugjunk ; and of which seat he was particu- larly tenacious for many cogent reasons. Firstly, it stood next in order, after the first cut, for all slices, both of solid pudding and as solid beef, whose dimensions went on dimi- nishing in exact mathematical proportion in the ratio of their increased distance, or space of time after quitting the main body ; so that by the time any given fid, or morsel, of said pudding, rfogr's body, twice laid, or Junk (iHSilt beef) got to the further end of the table (run- ning the gauntlet through the degrees of ser- vice and of seniority), it became so attenuated and impalpable that the facetious Toby not unaptly compared it to a " ^ ha'pennt/worth of soap after a hard day's washing," — now of such dimensions and form he had a most excessive antipathy ; and took especial care that what he got should be as far removed as 39 possible into the opposite extreme ; and, in- deed, it was often matter of dispute wlietiier he liked eatino; or drinking* best. This knotty point never could be resolved, he only knew, and the secret died with him many years after. Secondly, from his close vicinity to the bottle-stand, he could, not waiting for his turn, as if in mere absence of mind, help him- self out of it ; and this passed unobserved frequently, after having said a very good thing, and they were all busy laughing — he, himself, keeping up a most imperturbable gra- vity of countenance, while the rest were split- ting their sides. Sometimes, on these occa- sions too (but always in the fair way of busi- ness) his hand shook so, and he was so engaged talking, that he forgot the exact moment when the neck of the bottle should have been lifted from his cup, by which means its gurgling went on after the regular quantum had de- scended. This he would affect to replace, as the rest cried out! — but he never could con- trive, from this shaking of his hand, to restore any part, however earnest he pretended to be in pouring it back. On these occasions, the poor ship's rolling was always cursed, with a sly 40 wink. If this clothed some of their visages with a wry expression, the greater part en- joyed the fun, declaring, with an oath, that old Toby would have double his whacky "if he died by it." Besides, he had the additional plea, that his odds and ends of Shakspeare made him dry ; as he gave them set speeches with great emphasis, and for the which the whole steerage rang with their plaudits. The next in order, was a young fellow of very good family, who had been long at sea, and was up to quite as much as this salt water quill driver, and had indeed out slanged and out blackguarded him in a regular set-to, in which the whole mess sat umpires. He had, (having taken French leave of his ship for a whole year) travelled on the continent, spoke the French language fluently, dashed down to Naples, where he finished his follies, by marrying an Italian princess, of not the most immaculate virtue, it was whispered; he had not long lolled, with his cara sposcu in his palche, at San Carlo, before a most peremptory order from his father, (and a refusal of more money, aided by some little force by the captain of a man of war on the station), consigned him, though very 41 loath, once more to a midshipman's mess; nor was it without great interest in a high quarter, that this piccadillo was looked over, and the 1?, or " run,'' on the ship's books ex- punged. With such a taste of life, it maybe imagined how he relished a return to keeping his watch, keeping within any sort of rule, and salt beef! — in good sooth he was what the French call blase, and like too many of our young Englishmen now a days, tired, sick of every thing in this world, from the sheer force of keeping no bounds in any thing — joined to extreme fastidiousness he had, when he chose it, an uncommon gracefulness of man- ner : extremely arch, sensible, and good natured ; he was no less profligate, slovenly, and indolent; from the most splendid stock of clothes when he first came on board, he was now reduced to a bare change; his shoes oftener in the scavenger's basket than on his feet, with one stocking on, the other lost, or consigned to the same maw ; his hair dishevelled, coat torn, dirty shirt, handker- chief loose round his neck, in a sort of half happy oblivion of the present and the past, 42 from tippling — leaning against the bulkhead, sat the Honorable Frederick Gay. He might have been a lieutenant long before that day — a captain — any thing, for he had talents of the very first order; and he was nothing, not even a midshipman; as the ratings had been filled up; nor could he be trusted to any extent on deck, where indeed it was a matter of no small difficulty to produce him, nor then occa- sionally without the aid of the corporal of marines, and a couple of files oi jolly guloois, as he facetiously termed the marines. Poor Gay! Where art thou now! Steep- est thou quietly with thy forefathers, or art thou in some wretched obscurity, vegetating away a life meant for better things! But we must not anticipate what may be hereafter unfolded in its proper place. Gay was too refined and had too little ap- petite to squabble for bread and butter, and he was the first that paid any attention to the new comer, sending him up a cup of tea, and bidding him eat something, as the surest means of getting rid of his sickness, for the which Hawser profferred him many awkward 43 thanks, protesting however his utter ina- bility to eat, though he sipped a little of the tea. *' Clap a dose of rum in it for him," cried Toby, "I'll warrant it will cure you in a twink- ling", 1 know it did me when" — " You ;" re- torted Gay, "yes, old Tickle Toby, if you were as dead as a red herring, 'twould bring you to life, ha! ha! ha!" The latter sounds being re-echoed all round, rather discon- certed friend Toby, who, though he was as often laughed at, as with, always preferred the latter. They were one and all by this time, pretty well satisfied, and began to scrutinise the new comer, whose ''r/usy on the last polish of a pair of shoes ; but, seeing with great clearness (it is wonder- ful how vision accommodates itself to dark- ness, like that of cats) an officer advance, he dropped his brushes with surprising agility, and stood to his arms, drawing himself up, a:? they passed, quite on the qui vive ; opening the door for their ingression : and here, be- neath a skylight, at a long table placed across, sat all the officers at breakfast, waited upon i)y the gun-room steward and half a dazea other servants, mostly boys, and the valets of 53 their respective lords. Mr. Tugjunk, seizing" his charge by the hand, quickly doubled the extremity of the table, and steering him be- hind their chairs, so as to disturb their wor- ships as little as possible, presented Master Hawser to the first lieutenant, with'* Here's the youngster, sir, as 1 brought on board." Bat before we relate his reception, it will be but apropos to say a w^ord of the gentlemen: who sat roundthe table, beginning with the first lieutenant, w4io was a very good fellow in the main, and a great dandy ; did not stand on trifles, that is to say he started or flogged a man with a rope's end, till hewas half dead, ordered a mid to the mast-head for four hours, or twenty-four; then a man into irons ; the bom- boat woman to be searched for gin ; the topmasts and yards to be struck, or got up ; hammocks or decks washed, and running down tlie ladder, all in the same breath, sit down to breakfast, and renew some argument with one of his messmates, without the slight- est emotion ; or ask the steward if he was rather late, why the devil the kettle had not been kept hot ? with a hint, that he might see the (jun before long, " bl — t his eyes I " With his messmates he was a " devilish good 54 felloWi^ never refused leave to go on shore, took a joke as he gave one, nor assumed any authority, (once below) more than themselves; so that the marine officer (the youngest and last as to consequence) was indeed, being something of a wit, the hardest on him in a quizzing match, and his rival to boot, with a fair lady of great virtue and accomplish- ments, not a hundred miles from Southsea Common. The two other lieutenants were much of the same stamp apparently, with some varia- tion from nature ; for education had pretty well made them all alike : while the first lieu- tenant was a man of great buoyancy of spirits, the second was of an extremely grave and taciturn cast, inclined to melancholy; played fewer pranks on shore than the other two, and was more just and equal in his conduct on board, when it did fall to his turn to punish the men oi mids; which, however, seldom happened; the first lieutenant being the active minister of all retribution, whether from the rattan of the master at arms, the hasty rope's end on the spot, or the more regular and dire flogging at the gangway by dozens ; when the whole crew attended, all 55 the officers, and, lastly, the captain presided ; reading", with becoming solemnity, the article of war bearing on the particular misde- meanour. The second lieutenant, indeed, under a rough husk carried a noble mind, and was otherwise an excellent officer ; stern indeed and inflexible, but even in his temper, strict and impartial in his duty, without descending into little harassing vexations : which men of hasty or bad temper always have it in their power to inflict, without being answerable for it, or indeed overstepping the letter of the law, for nothing can be so severe as the code of instruction or articles of war; like the laws of Draco, they seem written in blood; every thing is «' Death, or such other punish- ment as the nature of the case shall demand', or a court martial think fit to impose,'^ All this has become a dead letter, obliged to be broken in on every day and modulated to meet human infirmity: like our penal laws for the kingdom at large, every thing is left to custom or the decision of the judge or the clemency of the higher powers. But to proceed, both these gentlemen were moderately educated, (like the great bulk of 66 the navy at this moment probably,) mere sea* men and navigators, with a shade of difference in favour of the junior officer ; both pretty g-ood masters of their own language — the first, indeed, knew nothing of any other; not so the third lieutenant, who wa:*, however, the worst officer of the three; knowings his own duties but superficially, it being indeed the least of his cares; having left home later in life (or rather school), he had taken in a good share of classic lore, was very well read in the belles leiires ; and was, on the whole, rather a scholar than a seaman. Bat if he had paid more attention to Horace than Hamilton Moore, he was obliged neverthe- less to attend to his duties; nor w^as there ap- parently much deficiency; and the more trying- and difficult points, luckily, never came to his lot ; as he never had, in the whole course of his service, either to direct the slinging of a temporary rudder at sea, fodder a ship on a pressing occasion, take the masts out or in, or, in short, meddle with any of those con- cerns where men are particularly tried; for, keeping a watch, reefing a sail, doing dock- yard duty, &c. are every day concerns that require no sort of application. From his 57 peculiar erudition, (which somehow or other made him more dreaded below than any other man, and was not unknown nor indiffe- rent to the captain), and from the melody of his voice and dignity of delivery, he was always pitched on to read prayers on a Sun- day, and the burial service at the gangway, when any of the poor fellows took a short and unceremonious exit from this w^orld into the next, sewed up in a hammock, and launched to the deep over a grating. Here Mr. Classic (for that was his name), was peculiarly at home, so that he generally went by the nick name of the parson, not very unaptly given — his messmates often de- claring, he certainly was more fit for the church than the ship ; to which he laughingly assented, wishing with all his heart he had never seen a ship nor the salt water, both which, in spite of many years intimacy, he cordially detested. The next in rank, though the last in esti- mation, w^as the master. This was a little, vulgar, ignorant, old fellow, the butt of the whole mess ; he could indeed work a day's %£orJci and stow a cask, after a fashion of hi* own, but he was particularly obnoxious to his d3 58 mates, over whom he exercised a never dying iiig-nag authority. This old goose had been bred in a merchantman, could hardly spell his own name, and how he got into the gun-room of a man of war was most marvellous— but masters in those days were scarce^, any thing did ; the captain allowed him to have little to say in his peculiar province, the navigation of the ship, so that he was of no further use to him than as he found him a rich source of mirth. In person, he contrasted excellently with the lieutenants, who were handsome men; he being as much like Hudibras as possible, a little bald head stuck on round shoulders — neck, he had none, little twinkling grey ferret eyes, a tolerable corporation, and bandy legs; in vain a uniform coat with tri-anchored buttons, two and two, denoted his authority ; The greatest pitch of dignity he ever arrived at, with great preparation of a Sunday for muster, might approach to that of a parish beadle. On the whole, he was of no possible ac- count but to share the quizzing with another original, the surgeon, a little lean animal, much more like a monkey than a man, know- 69 ing but a smattering" of his profession, and with not a grain more intellect than an ape. This little thing, from a most exquisite conceit of himself, body and mind, strutted immensely when on his legs, which were indeed two ex- ceeding slender pins: these two animals were naturally enough inseparables, and were excellently matched to run in a curricle together. To see this pair walking the deck, side by side, was in itself no bad joke: the waddle of the one and the strut of the other being eternal food for mirth ; and accordingly they had long settled down, whether on deck or below, into the Btock and joint butts of the mess; nor did the captain keep aloof from the fun, (though with a necessary outward reserve), at some of the tricks and good things ever and anon going on at their expence. All this too was heightened by the chattering imbecility of the doctor, admirably contrasted with the slow stupidity and blundering of Old Weazle, as the master was called, from the peculiar expression of his eyes, and a certain ferreting disposition — from which he made wonderful discoveries where there was nothing to be known — or known ages before. Of the blue 60 coats, the purser brought up the rear, a very sly, demure, correct, calculating fish, exces- sively grave and slow of speech — indefatigable at his books, by which he made, by hook or crook, some four hundred a year — there being no visible means was of no con- sequence. — These said ways and means were only known to himself, indeed they were to an active mind in its vocation, like his, infinite. This gentleman's carriage was something haughty, and his presence would have been altogether imposing, as he measured exactly as much round horizontally, as vertically (The master, Weazel, by particular desire, having one day, on its being a disputed point, taken his altitude by observation with great precision) had it not been for an unlucky red shining quality of the extremity of his snub nose or proboscis, as they had it, his face might have passed muster, as Mr. Shroud observed ; this member had imbibed so much of the juice of the grape and spirit of mo- lasses, that one can hardly wonder at its extreme fiery appearance ; in spite of an un- wearied application of sundry lotions and cosmetics. 61 It must not be supposed that the purser, Mr. Sligh, (or Sly as the mids would have it) indulged himself immoderately, as did his friend Mr. Clerk Toby, in the pleasures of the bottle — by no means, on the contrary, it was the theme of many kind remonstrances on his part towards this tallyer and balancer of books — no, it was like his whole personal and worldly economy, a matter of nice cal- culation not to go beyond a slight fuddle after dinner ; the quantity was regulated to a glass — so many, (all he could get) at the mess- table — so many, from his own private locker, (always well furnished by the wine-merchant of whom he got the mess wine), for he had been so kind, after great importunity (as Richard accepted the crown, or a bishop his long covetted See) to accept the ungracious and troublesome office of caterer of the mess. But what may not a man accomplish by attention and industry! not even this increase of book-keeping (truly, by double entry as the balance somehow or other was always against the mess (Dr.); in the least wearied, the indefatigable Sly. 6S The entries were prodigious, so were the exeunts; often declaring, (on a demand for more ways and means^ with tears in his eyes, how distressed he was at the extreme dearness of every living thing ; such as ducks, geese, lambs, sheep, fowls, and that indeed he was almost ashamed of the lengthy bill of those "rascals on shore;" but there was no help for it. God knew ! how scrupulous he was, that the books were balanced to a far- thing, and that he had nothing for it, nothing but his trouble, as indeed, he would scorn any other remuneration. After these appeals, to which a sort of omi- nous dead silence succeeded, he would make an effort towards his cabin for his books, *' Damn it, if any man could say," on which Weazel, who sat next him, generally caught him by the flap of his outward garment and hauled him back on his chair, muttering with his pecu- liar nasal twang, "Na mun,hold hard,ther'sno 'casion, who misgives your word?" to which, a sort of murmur of assent all round, would fix the vaccinating purveyor ; who with an oath, as to his own disinterestedness, would hand out a bottle of his own particular and 63 pass it round to keep sorrow out and "d — n the devil.'* Such was Mr. Moses Sly — he had seen many ups and downs in the world, as the mids observed, (having one leg two good inches shorter than the other), but we disdain the pun, and only allude to a vast portion of time consumed of his precious life in a hulk, as first clerk, where his merits were over- looked for ten years ; and here it was that he acquired an acuteness and method in his ar- rangements truly admirable, as well as the beginning of that fiery feature in his counte- nance, which robbed it of its beauty; but it must be confessed he was an extremely sleek and comely personage on the whole, when in full tog, or grande tenue, as the French say ; whether on the weather side of the quarter- deck, where he walked by courtesy, or tod- dling up High street on his peculiar affairs. But one other remains to be described of Ihe gun-room mess, namely, second lieutenant Belair of the marines. — Belair was what men call a develish fine young fellow^, gay and debonair to a proverb, vastly dressy and nice in his person, (the w^ord dandy did not exist in those days). — He was supposed to be 64 the most military soldier looking fellow, ever seen in Portsmouth, to which division he be- longed ; he had but one fault, if that was one, his cravat being near an inch too high, caused an elevation of his face and chin, a trifle outrh ; — but it was nothing, age would alter it for the better. This young fellow, who, by the way, was«'Mw homme d bonne fortune, par e^vcellence,'' had some three years before commenced hI^^ career as a midshipman, but disgusted with a steerage, hard fare^ keeping watch, mast- heads, and boating in dirty weather, had, as was the phrase, borne up for a marine officer ; — how happy, when a stale joke can make us laugh at every species of misery and privation ! Belair was no fool : He had no friends ; born of humble parents, he possibly would never have got beyond his lieutenancy in the higher blue coat track, and wisely resolved betimes to enter a surer path, where length of service, as it should, " keeps on the even tenour of its w^ay ;" here he wanted no friends — but health and long life, and might well hope to command that very division, whose well ordered and admirable mess he 65 had just been introduced to, as one of it« junior members. He liad now nothing to do but laugh, and dress, and make love I — at one jump he plumped into the midst of those he had but yesterday, as it were, contemplated with an awe— magnified from being seen through the dark uncomfortable atmosphere oi Si steerage ! — 'In short, he had grasped at the solid, and left the airy visions of prejudice as some slender consolations for the poor fel- lows, who, however they might affect a sneer, longed, desperately longed to be as well off — with a dreary, uncertain length of service, before those best backed with friends at the fountain head — with scarce a ray of hope for tiie rest. After all, the sea is a good mother to hun- dreds of poor devils who have no shelter else- where; and this was pretty much the case with poor young Hawser; who, now having made his profound bow to the first lieutenant, and one to the assembled gods we have just de- scribed, was about to mutter something of his letter to the captain, when Mr. Shroud (so was the first lieutenant called) ordered him a chair, and placing him by him, asked him what bethought of the ship — " First time eh, young- ee ster ? — Oh ! well you'll scon get used to it ; have you got a hammock ? — ha ! — not seen the captain yet ? — ha ! — he'll be off bye and bye — we must clap you in a watch — I say Rodman, (speaking to the second lieutenant) take him in yours — let him keep half watch for a while, till he's broke in — have you had any breakfast ? " to which the boy having an- swered in the affirmative, with due acknow- ledgements, Mr. Shroud continued, exam- ining his dress, '' We must rig you out, after another fashion, young gentleman ; have you no otherblue clothes ? " " No, sir. *' " Ha well, let me see — why this is a rum coat under this gigamaree " — being told of his scarlet one, in great innocence by the younker, a horse-laugh ensued, which he wound up with *' 1 say ma- rine, now's your time — here's a chance for ye, Fm sure Mr. Hawshole, beg pardon, your name is — ha, yes,Hawser — hal ha! — I thought I was pretty near the mark — I'm sure he'll swap with you, and a good chop you'll have for some of them old duds of your's, of no use to you since you have cut the tow-rope, eh!" At this wit, old Weazel grinned from ear to ear — (and Belair laughed out) ''but perhaps 67 you have your uniform with you ? to this being answered in the negative, he exclaimed with surprise — then continued, " Well, well, we must set the ship's tailor to work, and make you ship-shape; it's too late, or I'd make Meredith, in High Street, take your measure in a crack — Here Mr. Weazel observed with a sagacious grin, that the ship's tailor would soon fit him to a T — " Ecce signum," cries Belair, "your coat fits you like a purser's shirt on a hand spike I" The purser, who had sat in a brown study, possibly calculating on the fresh beef account, now raised his eyes — observing with great gravity, that purser's shirts were never put on hand spikes — and that the joke was stale — " Well, well," retorted the marine officer, " you know you clap em on dead men, where they fit no better, as you make them chew tobacco ! ha, ha, ha ! Mr. Sligh at this, rose with dignity, and re- tired to his books, not deigning a reply— the master winked hard, and the doctor chuckled like the neighing of a young colt — then turn- ing to Master Hawser, he asked with a very knowing emphasis, if he was the son of Sir Careless Hawser, who wrote *' Apollo turned 68 Stroller '* for the Prince, at Brighton, once, to which, being answered in the affirmative, " Egad!" cried he, '« singular enough! — you are likely to stroll a long way in an Apollo — egad! he I he! yery odd, very odd! hel he!" ** Now for the soul of me," said lieutenant. Classic, who popped down the ladder at this instant, '' I cannot think what the little doctor has said so good — come doctor, what's the pith of the matter — what ' mare's-nest * have i/oii found? Do you know that that mag- got of Esculapius, that loplolly boy of yours has just upset tlie poultice saucepan in the galley and made a pretty mess of it.'* At this new^s the little physician grew pale* with rage; his prominent bluish eyes, likened to two boiled gooseberries, rolled in his head : and, seizing his hat, he scrambled up the ladder, vowing vengeance on the man of plasters. — Here a general break-up took place, on a midshipman coming in to report that " the captain was coming"— and one and all putting themselves to rights, made the best of their w^ay on deck; the officers of the gun- room, up the short skylight ladder, by which the doctor had made his exit — the midshipmen and little Hawser, round by the after hatch- 69 way ladder, as the more respectful path, and along the main deck, up the ladder before the capstan; the ladder abaft, leadhig; down by the captain's cabin door, being kept sacred from more profane tread, than commissioned officers — in all which, our hero was by degrees initiated. TO CHAPTER III. In which the Captain comes on board. Our young gentleman had seen and heard quite enough of red coats, to be pretty sen- sible of the ridicule of his outward man as a sailor: seizing therefore the instant of his pass- ing the steerage, he stripped off the said scarlet toga in a twinkling, and buttoning up his spencer, which made a tolerable jacket, he looked fifty per cent more " ship shape," as Mr. Toby observed, who was be- taking himself on deck at the same moment, one of the last; having an uncommon aversion to fresh air, or the light of heaven — but the captain's appearance admitted of no excuse ; every soul in the shape of an officer, being expected to attend as a mark of respect to this triton of the minnow\s — '' Besides," cried Toby, as they proceeded up the ladders (for which term read stairs, gentle reader, if thou be'st not learned in sea jargon) "you are perhaps not aware, that you come under 71 one of the articles of war^ which expressly forbids the coming on board of horse-ma- rines." — This joke at which Toby winked with both eyes, was lost on the novice, who blessed himself in the happy change!— thank- ing him kindly for the information. They had now got on the quarter deck, which to an unpractised eye presented a glo- rious spectacle. — The clouds and snow had blown off, the god of day shone out in full lustre, the wind eJastlc from the north, blew the heav ens clear, and left a sharpness of out- line on all around, quite electrifying, as the change seemed almost the effect of enchant- ment. We need not describe Portsmouth, nor the Isle of Wight, — that lovely spot, that bed of roses in our sea-girt garden ! Roses, (except those, the most lovely, of flesh and blood) just now indeed there were none — but the landscape had not lost all its beauty, nor had the snow rendered its green one white, while the thick studded villas and towns with many a welcome curl of smoke, told of comforts dear to Englishmen. All the expanse of wa- ter, quite up to the Needles, swarmed with boats and ships, thick, bustling to their desti- 72 nations; active as bees on the first moment of change of wind and fair weather. A considerable squadron of men of war of all sorts and sizes, rode proudly in the midst, whose pendants lashed a sharp defiance in the air, carrying a peculiar awe to seamen's eyes — a thick forest of masts seemed to close the mouth of the harbour ; framed with her gilded walls and thick set row^s of artillery, over which towered the steeples and roofs; and lastly to give a mellowness to the outline, the Postdown hills swept round to lose them- selves in the receding distance about pretty little Southampton. But what struck our novice most, was the peculiar expression and appearance of the floating castle where he trod — we know in truth, of few things got together by art, more striking than the upper deck of a man of war — The hammocks stow- ed on either side in exact symmetry, (fore and aft) and dazzling white, or covered with neat cloths, the deck vying in whiteness, on which not a speck is to be seen — the formidable files of cannon on either side — and lastly, over head, the gigantic masts, that seem, as one stands, to sweep the heavens ! throwing '* their extravagant arms athwart," all braced with 73 ten thousand intricate shrouds and ropes, the minutest of which is to be as familiarly known, as one's right hand. A 11 this, as it struck the vision of the astounded farmer boy, filled him with indescribable sen- sations, in which there was to the full as much fear as admiration ; but there was little time for reflection. Mr. Pipes stood in majesty on the gangway, with his silver tube uplifted ; already had four pages (yclept side boys), dressed in while, thrown themselves simul- taniously over the side, with green cloth covered ropes, neatly coiled in hand — already were all the superior officers ranged, and a host of midshipmen and other officers we have mentioned, seemed to fill the deck on the op- posite side, when the piercing and long drawn bla.st, in which the weather beaten giant seem- ed to strain every nerve to do him honor, announced this demi-god's near approach ; the bowman of the finest gig in the fleet, throwing up his oar, stood erect, with his boat- hook gracefully planted as a standard in his right hand, ready, when the sounds from be- low ^^ rowed ofcdV were distinctly heard, and tlie next instant the man himself bounced up, and greeted with a graceful bow the unco- VOL. 1. li 74 vered assembly. It was not till long after they had been re-covered, that poor Hawser put his hat on ; indeed he had made one or two very particular bows, to the great merri- ment of the wags, who now began to gabble like so many geese together; while the greater part dived down the ladder, with an excessive celerity; so much so, that Toby being among the first, for the rush downwards, saluted the combings of the hatchway with his nose, in no very gentle manner, at the same instant being jammed (while feeling its particular state) fast by Mr. Tugjunk and two or three others, in as great a hurry as himself; there was no j?ympathy, but horse laughter, for poor Toby; but he knew a sure consolation, on his return to the realms of night and bliss, in a fervid tug at the nectar vessel, or rum bottle ; mean time the captain after a few turns with the officers, a word to each, and a smile to the little doctor, as he presented a woeful short sick-list with a non-corresponding length of face — took the first lieutenant apart, and they had a long conversation together, on diffe- rent matters; among others, doubtless, our young gentleman, as they looked towards him once or twice as he trudged up and down 75 with half a dozen mids of the watch — after which he ran down the after ladder, without taking the least notice of his new recruit; the latter made a sort of effort to approach him, but it required firmer nerves, indeed than most of the youngsters possessed, to come in contact with this awful superior. However, many minutes had not elapsed, before the captain's steward was seen coming up the after ladder, and asking for the young gentleman, touching his head with his right hand, (for he never wore a hat) by way of respect to the quarter deck ; being pointed out the object of his mission, he forthwith in- formed him, the captain wanted to speak to him ; sounds that nev^er struck on tympanum of youngster's ear without producing certain palpitations of the heart, more frequently for- boding harm than good. The next moment he stood in the presence of the captain, who was reclining on a sofa in the after cabin, where was blended a strange medley of rough tokens of war with the softer attributes of peace ; here ranged, well filled book-cases— there, double barreled pistols, and Turkish and French sabres — Here polished mahogany satin chairs, vases of lowers, and bi'llel-doiix — e2 76 "there, stern cold iron, iu the shape of eighteen pounders, taking their way through windows (the ports) hung- with silk curtains — their icy touch and strained lashings told their scorn of the painter's art to render them less ferocious, in white and green — in the fore cabin hung a beautiful or-molu lamp, over a festive board, where, when at sea, smoked eight silver covers at least, (every day at 4 p. m.) with all the delicacies of all the world — now garnished with a fine green cloth, cut glass decanters, different sorts of wine, and a luncheon on a tray, after the most approved modes of the fashionable world. In short, all was of the most refined elegance, of the most approved taste, of the most exquisite delicacy, and of the richest description, side by side, with the instruments of stern and instant destruction — In five minuies all would disappear, and the dogs of war let slip, fire, smoke, cartridges, bleeding bodies, recoiled guns ; and fifty devils incarnate would turn this floating paradise to a hellish pandemonaeum I As it now appear- ed, not Cleopatra herself, in her gilded and silken galley, knew an equal luxury — and what is more, such is the straight-laced eco- nomy of 1830 afloat ; we question whether 77 it is now to be matched in the whole fleet. And yet here was a man of war, polished, accomplished, soft as the zephyrs whisperd through summer Cynthea's liglit, in peace — collected, fierce, and terrible in war, — and hard as the oak he trod. Such, (nor was it incompatible) was George Oakheart, who, with the kindest most assur- ing smile, bid this poor awe struck lad sit down — kindly asked him how he liked the change? hoped he'd not repent the choice he'd made, of a profession not the smoothest in the world : — that much of his success would depend on himself — that he would ever find him his friend, while he did his duty ; of which he had no doubt; — then, after reading Sir Careless's letter, with a good natured smile, glancing at his dress, he observed, he found there had been some mistake about his Jii'Ouf; but that the gentlemen, his messmates, would tell him what was to be done for the moment, as there was no time to get any thing from the shore. As the captain said this, the first lieutenant approached and reported, (a bustle had been for some time going on on deck), that " they were all ready for unmooring;" to which, 78 having" received for answer, '* As soon as you please, Mr. Shroud !" a harmony struck up — the peculiar production of the seas. This was the united efforts of two fiddlers, drummer and fifer, and the whole crew in a sort of re- gular tramping in time (as bass) not unlike cer- tain stampings of troops of the Red Indians in their war dance ; all this mixed up with an unusual quivering and shaking of two pair of indefatigable pipes of the boatswain and mates, which seemed to curvet through more modulations than ever did the pipe of Cata- lani^ Sontag, or Malihrcm—ov the fingers and bow of the far famed Paganini. That there was more of dissonance cannot, we fear, be denied ; but it blended on the whole, as» we have observed, into a sort of sea harmony, admirably well suited to the auditors; — in short they were unmooring, and Jack was dancing round the capstan bars with an alacrity commensurate with his wish for a change^ at any rate. Thoughts of prize money ; fatigue of Poll, whose amiability never failed to be in the exact ratio with the state of Jack's finances — that is to say, de- creasing in exact proportion ; and the fatigue of small beer or swipes, so small, that the 79 diurnal fag of g-etting through sundry gallons (wherein his body became a sort of alembic) for the extraction of a very small quantity of the desired spiril, might indeed be said to/«- tigue, (hough certainly followed up with sur- prising patience, round the galley fire, and over many a tough yarn, or long story of a cock and a bull. Thus then, in addition to the said noise or harmony, every now and then a hurrah royal bespoke their joy — a never failing token of a *' pull together, boys !" When we say, however, that something more than half of the living souls on board were far from joining in this allegro move- ment, it would seem paradoxical ; were it not for the fact, that while this was going on on deck, no less than three hundred ladies were equally busy below, packing up their duds, for a move to terra firma. O ! in- const incy ! thou bane of happiness and truth — thou deformity of man ! thou worst of poi- sons tipped on Cupid's dart — wilt thou still leave the softer sex to mourn and rue the hour, when first the dear passion steals into their breasts I Alas, JacJc was no more moved by their sorrows, than was the hard 80 hearted cur of Launce by his pathetic appeal ! Who knows but that the hearts of some of these dear delicate creatures would have broken, had it not been for a gentle palliative for the cruel stroke — viz. : that there hap- pened to be another ship coming in from a foreign station ! where they might hope to find solace for their anguish. Besides, there was another source of consolation, which kindly helps us through the ills of life; namely, that they had, the most of them, got quite used to it, and had, in some sort, ac- commodated their gentle spirits to frequent change. — Nor shall we be too hard on their better halves, whose total indifference may be presumed to arise from a knowledge of this small fact — but we would not be understood to vouch for any thing that might impeach the delicacy of the sons of Neptune, or these their cara sposas. We have before said, that there certainly was a reciprocal decrease of the fender, but woman is ever the last to say " adieu ;" and though there might not remain above half a crown in any individual purse or leathern pouch, before the main-mast on the lower deck, 81 still it was cruel to have to leave it behind : not to mention the aggravation this thought received from the owner's being left into the bargain — and these distressing ideas, no doubt, helped to imbitter the sad recollection of unpaid lodgings at Pointy or none at all — or — or — but facts are enough : — gloom had overspread the land— ('twixt decks we mean) — nor was it banished, after all was belayed. the last anchor short a-peak, and the changed notes of the pipes had sent them down their ungrateful messmates with smoking kids full of boiled beef, cabbage, c/*/^, potatoes, &c., for their farewell dinner. W e say, all their kindly assurances of " soon being back," did little to banish this lopsided uneasiness. Many salutings, with hearty busses, were there : — many, " D my eyes, Sail, what's the use of piping your eye: Toss off your tot; never say die," escaped good natured Jack in soft condolence; unused to those more refined modes, wherein your man of the world sighs back his last adieu; and while his love hangs, perhaps, in real agony on his neck, says all that ingenuity can devise, or the most tender love conceive, to break the force of the cruel separation. Alas ! in these e3 8^ cases fewest words are best I — the best are but impertinent ; and Jack's quite as mucli to the purpose as the prating Rousseau's. Giving them their full hoiir^ as usual, to dinner ; during which time the first lieutenant had joined the captain, by invitation, to par- take of the luncheon now ready; and with which young Hawser was likewise honoured, nothing loth, with a share; for as the water had grown pretty smooth, and the ship as still as a mouse, his appetite began to inform him he had not eaten any thing for four and twenty hours. He accordingly played his part at the good things set before him ; and a glass or two of madeira seemed to give his situation a very different complexion — not that he ventured to do more than answer in monosyllables, as the captain and first lieute- nant, quitting the thread of their conversa- tion, about masts, yards, casks, boats, was forced to order silence, and to beg one to speak at a time — on the which, the caterer related as near the truth, as the mauled state 145 of his corporation would allow of, what we already know — -adding, that he never coun- tenanced certain foolish bye laws, at the head of which was to be found, the captain's clerk — that, for ^is part, Air. Rodman knew the cor- rectness of his general conduct, and he defied man or boy, in the ship, during a service of twelve years, to say he was the man to dis- turb a mouse ; — that some people were glad enough to ^ei off, but that he scorned any underhand work" — (alluding to the hasty re- treat of the august judge, doutless) " that, how- ever, he must say Mr. Tugjunk was not back- ward in punishing others — and had no occa- sion to kick up such a row, when thuigs were conducted with all due decorum, which he assured the lieutenant, he was witness to." " Well, gentlemen," returned the officer of the watch, '' I have nothing to do with your private affairs, but the steerage must not be the scene of such scandalous disorder and bad example, to the men — " Here he was in- terrupted by the doctor's mate, whose pudding head, had been somewhat enlarged by sundry thumps he had received, not one of which, could he trace to the identical fist that he had felt ; except one from the left paw of the chief VOL. I. H 146 prisoner ; and pointing to him, he begged he might he done justice to, for the outrage— for that, " For his part, though he sat in de- liberation, yet had he not stirred from his seat, when the said gentlemen had assaulted him, as you see, sir — " so saying, he indicated with his finger a livid mark, or signature of the contact of hostile fist on the os fronting and displayed altogether such a rueful coun- tenance, that Rodman could hardly keep himself from laughing outright — however, commanding his features as well as he could, — he told the son of Galen, that he supposed the blows were given at random, and that he could not make exceptions, where all seem- ed to have mauled each other, with equal goodwill — which must be put up with for their pains — and for the which, they must be equally punished, as having, from whatever cause H sprung, equally disturbed the discipline of the ship —that Messrs Gay and Tugjunk, must oonsider themselves under an arrest — Mr. Taffy, the welch youngster, and Mr. Hawser, were to go to the mizen top mast head for that watch — and that the doctor's mate and Mr. Caterer Billybuffer, must return from whence they came ; as it would be necessary, 147 to report the whole to the caplain, for his decision, in the morning. Some of the party were soon out of sight, down the ladder, on hearing; this mild se- quence — Mr. Tugjunk, and Gay were not quite so well pleased— and as for the young- sters, they were still less so — instead of the delicious slumbers of the hammock^ to rock on that detested perch — a crosstree ! — how- ever, there was, alas, no choice, and up they went; Taffy soon cleared the f lit toc/c shrouds, and got up to the best birth on the crosstrees, where tying himself fast, he went to sleep pre- sently, from the which he never awoke till midnight — while the unhappy Hawser having reached the top, through lubber s hole (for he had not yet learned to climb like a mon- key) attempted no farther elevation, but under favour of the darkness of the night, stowed himself away snug under a sail, where for some time he lay awake, pondering how he should revenge himself on Taffy, and wipe out the disgrace of allowing that scamp, so much smaller than himself, to have got the best of it — this, and the pain of his eye, and the smart of his nose, kept him long think- ing — and then came across his memory, h2 148 home, still, ''sweet, home," and though to him it had been somewhat irksome, still the difference to the life he now led, made it in his mind's eye, without a fault ! — he made fifty resolves, could he once escape this vile thraldom, and hardships, and servitude, that seemed, if passed as wTetchedly as the last week ; between waking, and watching, and sea sickness, and starvation, and quizzing, and brutality of all sorts, from the oldsters — whose rule of right was measured by each man's strength — seemed to him, if spun out to a simple si^v years^as six centuries to come ! These cogitations, were an instant after in- terrupted, by Mr. Lackwit's hailing the top. Horatio lie breathless, while he heard " Top a hoy ! — Mizen top there I — '' Sir !" said one of the boy fop men, who kept half awake while the four or five others took their nap — *' Are those gentlemen at the mast head ? " *' Say, yes, that'sa good fellow," whispered our hero start- ing up, " and I'll give you a glass of grog on Saturday night" — " Sir," reiterated the top- man, while he listened to the grog account — *' D n your eyes, are you deaf ; I'll pick your ears with a crow bar, and be d d to 149 ye I are the gentlemen at the mast head?" *' Yes, sir, yes, sir — "At these welcome sound?. Hawser once more rolled himself up; and, oh ! with what pleasure did he address him- self to sleep ; and soon forgetting all prospect and retrospect, was happily not disturbed till eight bells, (twelve o'clock) when the same lad rousing him up, he crept down just before Taffy ; to whom, however, he said, as they went down to their hammocks, together — *' Perhaps, another time, Mr. Taffy, you won't have so much to brag of — " to this, the other replied, grinning, *' You'd better try your hand now, if you haven't enough — " and be- sides, he was in more dread of higher autho- rity — which as it sat new on him, seemed more weighty, — though to his Welsh antago- nist, who had long felt it, and who cared not a fig, for the mast head, where he knew he could caulk (go to sleep) as well as in his hammock ; and this was the only sort of pu- nishment, the youngsters had to dread — save for some intolerable piccadillo, when '* the gun,'' (flogging at the) was held in ter- rorum over them — and that too, over a part, where it is said honor Is more sorely wound- ed than elsewhere. 150 Nothing" of note occurred on the earlier re- turn of the parties to their hammocks, except the following dialogue between Gay and Tugjunk, which may give a taste of their dif- ferent feelings, and the higher tone assumed by those finer gentlemen. ^i Mr. Tugjunk," said Gay, as he took hold of the baton to spring into his ham- iTiock, which touch'd the cot of the other — '* Don't Mister me," says Tungjunk — " Yes, sir, I shall,'' said Gay, a good deal annoyed at what had passed, though seldom indeed put out of his way by trifles — but blows and an arrest were not so common — and his temper, otherwise sweet, was now something sourish — *' Don't imagine, sir, this can drop here, you had no business to strike me at all" — " Well, you struck me too," said Tugjunk, who was by this time got in his cot, " and that's quits, come, there's no use in making any more bother about it, whafs done 's done ; if it hadn't been for that damn'd sly old fox, there'd have been nothing of it^ him and his stupid reg'lations." — " As for this or that, how it began," returned he in the hammock, " set that aside, you struck me, and we must settle it like gentlemen — no 151 man under Heaven shall strike me while 1 can handle a sword — without giving me satis» faction — besides, this is not the first time you've tried to carry it by brute force — which shan't answer with me" — " That's a lie,'* says Tugjunk, " I'm no more brute than you."— " Enough, sir! enough, sir!" cried Gay, who at this last gentle retort seemed greatly moved — " as you can't converse like a gentleman, I shall find a time and place to talk to you in another strain"^ — "Strain, my a — e, let's drop it, I tell you— it's my morning watch — I'll thank you not to keep me awake, then turn- ing round he muttered something about pay- ing up old Toby for the old and the nevc^ cunning as he thought himself" — he dropped asleep, and shortly after Gay probably did the same — for presently nothing was heard but snores — throughout the vast expanse even into the ship's bows, of thick hanging ham- mocks ; every olher one teeming with still life ; those empty, belonging to the watch on deck, who took care however, unless in very bad weather, to lose nothing of " nature's sweet restorer,'' being perfectly indifferent as to whether it was enjoyed in hammock or on the planks under the weather bulwarks or 152 about the masts and hitfi — except indeed thai there they were ever and anon roused up by the boatswain's mates and midshipmen to trim, make, or take in sails,, &c. And here it might not be out of place to observe, that there mig-ht be sundry excep- tions made to this universal system of caulking^ or napping", during the watch on deck, like all exceptions to very good general rules, in which those tales on the lee gangway or on the forecastle flouriished as delivered in the most prolix brief tedious manner, first by one and then another of those jacks whose reten- tive memories helped out with at least fifty per cent, of their own invention, would occa- sionally keep a select few from off their beam ends, for perhaps a couple of hours after the watch was called — or possibly in the in- tervals of i-ery squally or cold weather, when the said penchant for a good sound nap was unhappily too fsequently broken in on by those disturbers of rest, the boatswain's mates — " to Jiaul aft this, clew up that,'' &c. — but with all our nautical experience, never have we been enabled by any process of alchymy, to extract any thing from such goodly yarns, very circumstantially delivered as to time and 153 place — the pith or essence of which would be likely to entertain our kind reader; with every deference, however, for those tales ot the night watch and others, said to have been overheard, and with which the public have been for some time made familiar, such as the ^^ flying Dutchman^' off the Cape of Good Hope — certain spirits and goblins, seen in the wake of the Admiral Blanket's ship, in and near the Red Sea, on that officer's demise — but the great favourite of these story telling tars have ever been of Jack the Giant Killer and his seven league boots, with a certain fair cretur of a princess — this never-ending yarn, spliced on to strange extracts from the " thoU' sand and one nights,'' so bedevilled that the original would never be guessed to have formed the substratum of such monstrous in- congruities. Such then, and such only, should we be able to retail on the present occasion, had we the power to transcribe them — but the art is, we freely confess, beyond our poor abilities ; nor need we rush into a field, which, if loaded with a golden harvest, is already possessed by earlier adventurers — and as we have observed, the stuff ground down by h3 154 certain mills, and mixed up by those purveyors to the public appetite, who have, by com- manding almost the whole press (or bake- houses) of the empire, generally dictate what is and what is not wholesome food for the voracious public maw — — Tickled too by the sauces of never-ending and unblushing pujfs in the daily papers, in an infinity of shades or affectations of can- dour — from the extreme oblique to the bold confronting criticism — where a small fault is found by way of introducing " great heau- ties,'' which they undertake to assure the said public, upon their poor gentlemanly honours! — but to return from the monopolizing shops of these people — Jack's stories on a fine night happily do not occupy a fiftieth part of the time employed in sheer caulking, or sleep— a great blessing ! — since in truth, where they do take place, they are most insufferably dull. — 155 CHAPTER VII. A short one. — About a Wig; or, much ado about noihinjs with a sketch of one Simon Dozey, a private marine. If, however, this whole range of deck be buried in sleep, there were one or two indi- viduals that formed an exception, namely, Toby, who had been communing with un- pleasant thoughts, running through a curious concatenation of confused ideas, wherein were found prominent the fearful fist of Tug- junk, and the check there might be to his elevation to the envied post of purser in some small brig ; in which craft he knew that by hook or crook he could make himself a comfortable £200. a year, besides windfalls, and his pay from His Majesty ! long had he waked and pondered on this, with one ear (not a very short one) hanging out over his hammock, to collect the sounds of the party who had gone on deck, and finally, come 156 down again — apostrophising" him as they got into their hammocks in the different keys of their various sullen moods ; to all which, how- ever, he very wisely made no reply — but counterfeited a sound sleep to admiration, as they growled round him, like the jackalls of the east round a stray sheep. A gentle dose however had nearly closed his meditations ; while the other individual Gamiel Smallnouse, still lay broad awake in- tent on a peculiar and a fixed purpose, which was no less than to set out in quest of his wig, it being excessively necessary for the furnish- ing or garnishing his pate on the following morning — he had let it go from its perch with extreme difficulty ; not a whit moved by the reasoning and eloquence of the clerk; but rather urged by certain small good turns the latter might do or withhold > so that he knew it dangerous to disoblige him ; — besides of these two heroes, he of the quill was the abler man, and might bring it to an arbitra- tion, in which all human ratiocination was of little avail ; even had Smallnouse been an over match for him at it — a moot point — he therefore had given up the said wig with many prayers and injunctions for its safe keeping — 157 and when (having gone to bed, to be out of the way of uncongenial strife and noise) he heard the sudden irruption, and precipita- tion of the judge and the court as aforesaid — his fears for his wig, to say truth, balanced a number of others extremely urgent concern- ing his own bodily safety, while the battle raged; however he rode out the gale, as sailors say — that is lay still — till all was over, and hearing Toby busy at getting to his own bed not far off, had repeatedly addressed him in all possible tones from '' lively to severe'' in quest of the borrowed hair, or at least to know what had become of it—- to the which he had received no sort of answer — for at least an hour, when the clerk gathering courage as the rumpus died away, and allowed him to collect his scattered ideas, he at length con- descended to curse his bother about Lis rats tail, which he was sure had been the cause of all the disorder from the natural antipathy they had to it, that he'd not pick it out of a gutter, not he ; that it was safe in the berth, where, if he was in such a devilish hurry for it, he might go find it ! Pondering on this gentle response did the sad magister turn and turn him till past midnight, more than half 158 resolved to go himself in quest of the lost ar- ticle ; to him of such vital importance. For we have noticed before the unhandsome appearance of this said gentleman, as respects the gifts of nature — a long sallow pock marked face — a long ditto nose, begrimed with snuiF — and a retiring forehead, and crown entirely bald, might indeed, have borne looking at fast enough, but that he feared the sudden change might place them in a too ridiculous light to the younger fry, till then accustomed to see his head, such as it was, encased in the said periwig : which though it added nothing to his expression, yet had they already expended all their jokes upon it — and it had no more to fear ; besides it kept him warm — but indeed, he had other reasons, and to crown all, a par- tiality for it, which nothing perhaps but a good fifteen years intimacy could have excused, or wore out in the eyes of the sea world ; little disposed to make allowances for weaknesses of any sort, and a mortal enemy to all kinds of terrestial art. And now it was, that amidst the darkness and silence that reigned, finding all quiet, he got out of his nest, first on a chest, then re- gaining the deck, he groped his way, much 159 such another figure as Don Quixotte, on the night of his memorable adventure of the Du- enna. If Smallnouse had not the quickest wit in the world, he had, at least, sufficient sagacity to find out the door of the berth, where he hoped to find, carefully deposited, his precious property— and long and vainly did he feel and grope on the seats, and lockers, and shelves, among the plates, without encounter- ing any thing more like what he sought than the hag of the said dog's-hody, we have be- fore noticed, with the impression of the clerk's phiz, as well preserved as if done at Florence, — and he sat him down on the caterer's short bench, near the spot, in utter dispair and shi- vering with the cold — for it is not to be con- cealed that this teacher was in querpo ; having nothing on his meagre frame but a very short coarse shirt — rather resembling a flannel *' ba- nian' than any thing else ; as did its master, one who had seen nothing hwV^hani an days''' (bad cheer). Here, however, he had not sat long pondering, on what corner or spot he should explore next and cursing the clerk, the court-martial, and the whole set — when he thought he heard a noise, as of one creeping softly towards him — naturally superstitious, 160 at this dread hour, the w\g only flew cut of his head to make way for a ghost ; and as he stooped down to listen in trembling^ anxiety, the small quantity of grey hair still left on each side above his ears, took an erect posi- tion, standing an end at this mysterious intru- sion. And sure enough a body did approach — not, indeed, of the upper world, but one which often occupied the very spot now filled by the trembling schoolmaster. This (not to keep others in cruel suspense) was no other than the boy of the mess, who occasionally, when all was quiet, stole into the berth in the faint hope that some few drops of rum might still linger in the bottle — how often he had been deceived did not damp the eager desire he had for fresh trials, determined (as he had as great a love for this nectar as any of his mas- ters) to drain off whatever he could find ; and now and then to be sure, a stray gill or thim- ble full repaid his nocturnal revisitings and drainings. Now, though the very devil himself could not have frightened this imp during daylight, and resolutely bent as he was on his purpose — yet was he no less scared than Smallnouse, when feeling for the where-' 161 about of the case, he clapped his paw on the meagre and cold toes of the apalled magister — which with the convulsive grasp of fear he gave such a tweak as made him roar again, springing to the opposite side, and wrenching his foot from the clench of this new annoy- ance, he blessed himself from Satan and all his train, with astonishing devotion — the sen- tinel (one Dozey) at the gun-room door hearing these terrinc sounds, partook of the alarm, but not enough to prevent his calling out *' Who goes there ? who's there, eh ?" To which the ghost, as he backed out, sufficiently rallied to answer " 'It's only me, Dozey, Jem !" which no sooner struck on the tympa- num of the panic struck gentleman, than he hollowed to the retreating demon to come back — " You vile scamp," cried he, *' what are you doing here at this time o'night, eh, sir?" " O, is it you Mr. Smallnousel I thought it was the old one, sir \ sir I corned to see after the things," — " I'll things you," — cries the first ; *' Come here, sir, and help me look for my wig — have you seen it?" " No, sir !" '* Well go and get the sentry's light a moment, that's a good man, and help me find it." — And now with the help of the said light 162 was seen the long wished for concern in wretched plight — and taking it carefully out of its resting place with his finger and thumb, Smallnouse, contemplated it for some mo- ments in silent consternation ! at length he exclaimed *^' My God I what am I to do'/' " Oh, sir," says the boy, " I'll fix it for you in the morning, and make it as clean as a hound's tooth, Til boil it for you the first thing." '' ril boil your head, you vagabond you'* returned the sufferer — at which the other grinned from ear to ear, as he sneaked off to his hammock. And now poor Smallnouse taking the fight and his wig got into his own cabin, where with a spare quart of fresh water and some soap, he busied himself till the night was far spent in partially getting off the thick coat of all sorts of filth, grease and flour, with which it was well saturated ; spite, however, of vast and unwearied labour, partly owing to the small quantity of fresh water to which he was restricted, (for the whole ship's company were on an allowance of half a gallon per man a day, the officers not excepted), and partly to the tenacity of the unctuous par- 163 tides keeping their hold with most provoking obstinacy. The wig, alas! over and above a very un- savoury smell it had acquired, was far, very far, from its statu quo — and more resembled the flayed skin of a drowned hedgehog than spruce peruke! in this vile extremity, Smallnouse bethought him to call in the aid of the said sentinel, Simon Dozy, who, by long drawn hard breathings, as he sat with his head on his breast at his post close by, gave indication of being extremely on the qui vive. Dozy was a galoot, or one of those raw recruits Ser- jeants are plagued with — and plagued enough had the serjeant been with Dozy, but at last he had drilled him into something ship shape, and bating an extreme slowness of movement which brought his firelock up, when the rest had gone on to the next position — his leg behind when it should be before — Dozy was altogether (except when on duty, which he had a natural antipathy to) — a sharp fellow, and in his mess was accounted a very dab at pipe-claying a belt, and black waxing his car- touch box. Dozy had little curiosity, and was, sooth to say, more inclined to cultivate a nap than any 164 closer intimacy with the schoolmaster's cabin, where he had for some time heard divers scrubbing and rubbings, and ejaculations. How long he had been lost in pleasing ob- livion, it is hard to say, but he felt himself suddenly called into action by a sharp tweak o' the nose from the soapy fingers of the aforesaid artist of the vigil ; who, having called thrice upon the sentinel with no more effect than Cadwallader in calling spirits from the vasty deep, strided forth and made free with the proboscis of the recruit, as the shortest method of awakening his attention. *' Dozy," quoth he, " the ship might be a fire" — " a fire !" cried Dozy, starting on his legs, "the Lord forbid, sir, where?" '* No such thing, you fool, I say one might be burnt or drowned, and here are you fast asleep at your post I — do you know, sir, it's death by tlie articles of war ? come this w^ay, I want you to help me do a small job, my good friend," (softening his tone), on the which he led his man to where lay the wig, dripping in soap suds — "you see, Dozy," continued Smallnouse, " a small accident has befallen my wig, I cannot for the life of me get it clean, or the grease out of it — do you think you Co could manage it? Trj-, that's a good fellow, what think ye ?" At this soothing appeal, Dozy opened his eyes full on what lie before him, and as he conceived it touched his craft in the art of cleaning, put on a look of considerable wis- dom, and taking up the subject matter, and turning it round fiom side to side, and look- ing with consummate gravity, first at it, then the magister, thus addressed him — "Why zir, as for the matter of this here, it's entirely out of my line, howsomdever, if there be any cleaning in it, I can do't, I'm sartain, zir, only you see zir, this here, the pipeclay as I uses is under the sarjeant's hammock, and its more nor my life's worth to 'sturb him at this time o' night, and I can't leave my post, you knows, zir — but if so be you could go for't — you'll first get under the table^ then round upside and cant over Thumas File's knap- sack, and George StilFty's, and Sam Snout's knapsacks — you'll come right over the corner o' the knee where I keeps my tool box, a leelle more for'ed under the carting ye'll see" — " See the devil," retorted Smallnouse, his patience worn out with such an intricate errani — " is there no other way of doing it? 166 ril not have it stuffed with pipeclay, do you think you've got a — one of your own belts to deal with?" — *' Oh no, zir, oh no, zir, by no means," cried Dozy, '' they be, zir, quite different — that's sartain — but, zir, pipeclay I make bold to say— pipeclay cleans a power o' things, only I never know'd it make no difference in the matter of smell, zir, this arn't over sweet, (putting it to his nose), I never had to do with the like in my born days!" This pleasant sally of Dozy's nearly upset the equanimity of the pedagogue, who, despairing of any help from his coadjutor, thrust him out of the cabin without ceremony, and hanging the unfortunate cause of his un- timely vigil on a peg to dry, betook himself, without further accident to his roost, bless- ing himself from the devils incarnate, he was thus by his ill stars thrown among, and wish- ing himself with all his soul, once more back at his own village in the North of England, where erst he kept a small daj school— until some evil spirit had induced him to roam to London ; from whence he had retreated half starved to that common mother of the pennyless, aboard ship. 167 CHAPTER VIII. In which things are settled very much to the Satisfaction of all Parties, except ]\Ir. Shroud— and a Goose is «8crificed on the Altar of Oblivion. Endless were the jokes of m/ in a passion on the quarter deck; on which solemn occasion, the whole posse made the very welkin ring, headed by 243 Von-Crochet, whose face and elbow worked admirably together, under a thousand varied contortions, stamping vehemently with one leg to keep them all in time. Shortly after, the helm was put up, for a different destination, to the south, to the great joy of all hands ; and from being under top- sails, spanker, and jib, as was generally the case — all hands were turned up, ^^make sail,^^ as if in chase. On which occasion, Hawser was obliged, with many of the other young- sters to scud up to the mizen top ; there to tell the mizen top boys, what they knew much better how to do, than the said superintend- ing young gentlemen — but they were to learn themselves — which they did, or did not, ac- cording to their several inclinations — how- ever, they all joined in the general cry of, " Come bear a hand, my lads ! " " Are you going to sleep, at the top gallant mast head ? " '* Sway away ! " " Come, look sharp, look sharpi" "Why don't you let fall? — sheet home!" "I'll come and help you sir, you d d rascal, on the v eather yard arm?" '* Ho I belay 1"— And while all this was vociferated, fore and aft — the almost hoarse voice, from bawling, of Mr. Shroud, 244 was heard through his trumpet, as he ran backwards and forwards, and jumped about with surprising- agility, on the deck. " Mizen top there ! " " Main top there ! " " Fore top there I" '' Forcastle there, waist there I " (as it might be) " By G— d you're all asleep— Mr. , are you going to sleep, sir? and be d d to ye ! " " The weather royal sheet's not half home ! " — «« Sir ? " — " Do you see the weather royal sheet, sir ? you lubberly hound! d— n— tion, sir, I'll send you to the mast head for twenty-four hours." "Fore top ahoy! FIl call you rascals down presently, and start you all round 1" — then skipping aft, address those below with, " Haul aft — toge- ther — why don't you haul! — b 1 your eyes! haul! — you Mr. , why don't you make 'em haul, sir?" — "Haul! haul! haul!" repeated twenty different mids and boat- swains mates' voices ! At last this hubbub of noise and confusion ceased; ropes coiled down, decks swept, and perhaps, some of the unfortunate top men call- ed down as threatened, and started, by way of wind up to the whole. This was Mr. Shroud's mode of carrying on the duty, having not the smallest idea 2i5 how things could be quickly done, and vyell done, without an immense deal of running about and noise. While Rodman, who su- perintended, on the main deck, thought a word of direction here and there, and as much silence as possible, a much better method — nor did he tliink, coercion necessary, in moments, where the esprit de corps of Jack, was suf- ficiently awakened, and that he tried to do his best — nor was the captain, of Mr. Shroud's way of thinking — but yielded, as it was impossible to bring about any thing like a medium, with this smart officer — ant C(Bsar aut Nuiliis. 216 CHAPTER XL Neptune visits the Apollo in State: — Some account of that august Ceremony and Saturnalia. And now did the gallant vessel stag-ger again, under her press of sail ; studding-sails ]ow and aloft; every inch of canvas crowned by "sky scrapers"~and these again were sometimes (when the winds were light) over topped by ^^moon raJcers'' — and some crack frigates were there, it was said, that contrived ^'firmament sweepers.^' — But avasf, as Jack says, 'tis surely trifling when such ladies pocket-handkerchiefs are clapped upon the masts — indeed, the trade winds, in which they now were, needed no- thing above a royal ; flying through the blue seas at the rate of ten knots (miles) an hour; and at times almost twelve — very good going for royals! — though the jolly Apollo had been once cracked on with the wind a-beara up to just fifteen knots, or — as Mr. Tugjunk said, who had the log on that occasion (it 247 was in chace) always d g his eyes before hand ; tliat the fourteenth and half knot snapped short in his hand! — while old Weazel growled at being obliged to superintend in- stanter, the careful measuring out a new line, and putting in all the various marks (knots and half knots) *'just because people did'nt know how to do nothing — sticking in the bridle peg so hard." Thus did she plough her way night and day towards the Line. Sometimes whole shoals of dolphins played round them — dis- playing in the sun's rays all their varied hues of beautiful colours; as if daring and laugh- ing at the efforts of the seamen ; some on the spare bow anchors, others on the bumpkin end, others down on the martingales, between the dolphin strikers, armed with ihe'iY grains (or harpoons), letting fly among them as they shot athwart, every moment— and not a few displayed their dying glories ; as struck, they were turned up by the relentless fangs and hauled in by the line kept fast to the striker's wrist. But Jdck nor thought of, nor saw any other glory than this ; (after the boatswain had been propitiated,) the captain and officers 248 sent one or two of the finest (to be paid for in good sterling, rum) tlie glory of tlie pot or fry — and it is inconceivable under what vari- ous disguises, through culinary contrivances, they underwent in the galley — from soup to almost cinder. For in the way of cooking, mind you, Jack off deck, and seated before the galley fire, (only give him stvff la work on) won't turn his back on the first cooks of the first capitals in Europe! — vV here too, it must be confessed they contrive to spoil many of nature's good things, before they have done with them. Drawing in with the Cape Verd Islands, and the Coast of Africa, it was not long be- fore they verged upon that belt or /me, which, cutting our earth into two equal parts, seems to know no change, from its vacillation! — Here, under ever burning rays, old Ocean sleeps in almost continuous calms— but briefly disturbed or ruffled by the passing tornadoes. Water spouts, and gusts from the sucked up vapours— let fall, indeed, in such torrents, as can scarce be imagined by the tropical or northern sailor. In these moments, too, the elements are unusually terrific ; thunder and lightning, and 249 deluges of rain seemed to have usurped the air, and leave no space for presumptuous man ! — and yet not so — his petty thunders are too borne in the midst of these, and on the bosom of the deep, to the very limits of the liquid field— and here, where Neptune holds his watry court. —Nor did a soul on board care a straw what latitude they were in — being", indeed, drawing very near to none at all! Hitherto they had had fair weather, and one fine morning, though burning hot, most of the raw hands were summoned on deck, on hearing it buzzed about that they could see the line! hut only with gLj^sses to he sure, being so devilish far off yet ! Up came a goodly bevy ; but the said line could only be seen through two or three glasses — namely, Mr. Shroud's (who was good enough to let them have a look !) and Mr. Billybuffer's — who wished they would not keep bothering him for his glass, as he wanted to examine the said line himself. However, this joke was soon found out — not without a world of inquisitive faces; and faces of wonder ! and faces of importance ! and faces that were ready to laugh I — It consisted then, M 3 250 simply in a piece of thread being put across, between the outer glasses of the telescope I By this notable contrivance, were one half the youngsters gulled—but the fun was not to end heiPe. Hardly had two bells sounded after break- fast (nine o'clock), the hour when it was cal- culated the captain was at leisure ; when many very gruff countenances were seen going forward as if to see something just a head — others stooped down, putting their hands to their ears as if listening attentively. — But we should observe, that two of the boat- swain's mates, headed by the captain of the forecastle, a grey pated old veteran, who had crossed the Line often before, with a select cohort of these buffers who were as knowing as themselves, had been, for a day or two before, enormously busy, getting something ready which was kept a profound mystery — and all Hawser could gather, and one or two more who went forward to enquire, was, that there was much oakum, paint, old shirts, and brushes in requisition, and the armourer was seen busy filing an old hoop which he had beat out straight; but as the meetings of these sly rogues were held in the cable Hers and 251 chock forward in the bows, little transpired to alarm the inhabitants of this floating gar- rison in general — Not but there were certain hints and allu- sions to an expected visit from the god of the waters ; who always came on board and was (why they knew not) excessively particular in his kind enquiries after all those who had never been admitted to the presence before ; and that all such were to undergo certain gen- tle interrogations and initiations ! No sooner did Smallnouse hear these hints, which were conveyed to him by Toby with a look of unfeigned concern, " a fellow feeling makes us wond'rous kind!" than suspecting some foul play as well as his dear friend — they forthvvith knocked their heads together to find out how far they might be obnoxious in their immediate and invaluable persons to this ceremony which they had a sort of mis- giving, from certain winks, and smiles, and nods — from the knowing ones — portended no good. The purser and doctor too, and the marine officers were told to keep a sharp look out, for that, " If his majesty, Neptune, did come on board — they might rely on being 252 very closely questioned, touching their parti- cular qualifications — that is, if ever they had been presented at court ; which happened not to be the case. A sort of undefinable dread, like that at being made a free mason, took possession of all the uninitiated, high and low, on deck and off deck, on the morning in question ; when it was buzzed about that the li}ie was seen, and that the captain was actu- ally dressing to receive his briny majesty— who was expected to hail the ship every in- stant! Come thou capricious goddess to our aid ; thou, who dost plague us when we want thee not! — come thou Mnemosyne! and with thee bring thy children from the Pyerian mount, to paint these faded facts afresh, with their rich glowing colours ! — Clio, lead on ! and as thou guidest our plume, let thy sweet gentle sister, loveliest of the nine, light up in pleasing fancy's varied hues, thy graver and more so- lemn tones ! — So may not unlucky wight (our reader) go to sleep — or feel that dread list- lessness, called by mere tired mortals etmui — such as might be supposed to weigh down the eyelids of the bold adventurer (if any such could be found on earth) over the pages of 25S WeazeFs log/ — though doubly embellished and armed in coats of redundant consonants and stern veracity. '' Keep a sharp look out there forward, and get a rope ready lor /?/.v Majesty's barge-,'' cried Mr. Shroud, as rubbing his hands ex- pressive of his internal satisfaction, he paced the deck backwards and forwards, accom- panied by all the gun-room officers, except the purser., Sit/, who had bolted himself in his cabin, and the " doctor,^' who very saga- ciously did the same thing in his, exactly opposite his troubled neighbour. And here it may be as well to repeat a short dialogue that took place between these two civilians, expressive of their opinions at this critical crisis. " 1 say, Bolus," cried the purser in a high key, so as to reach the doctor's ears through both doors—" I say, do you think they'll be a playing any tricks, eh?" "I've heard as much," squeaked out he of the starboard cabin; ** Belair whispered me that he thought the captain would not interfere, but let those rascals have their way, and I know d — d well what that is;" " Why what?" returned Sly, his hearing and attention worked up to a 254: g:reat pitch of accuracy and acuteness; — *' What! why these fellows have all sorts of filth, with which they bedaub you, and then half drown you into the barg-ain ; a friend told me, who had passed this cursed spot, that he was ill for two weeks after, and did not get the tar out of his skin and hair for I don't know how long ! but by the living; jingo, if they come down to me!— I'll— " "Ah!" said the purser, opening his door gently, out of which he peeped, and listened if he could hear what they were at on deck, — " Ah ! my good sir, don't let's shed blood ; 1 have indeed my sword here — but — surely they dare not break open the doors! besides — is there no way of buying 'em off? if I thought a gallon of rum or so — or " " Buy the devil," cried the alarmed phy- sician, " I'll blow the first fellow's brains out that dares handle me — besides it's contempt — mutiny! flat mutiny! — by G—d! I'll have a court martial — but no, the captain can't suffer such goings on surely!' "Hush! hark!" cried Sly, "I think 1 hear them hailing!" «' Damn their nonsense," returned Bolus, — t« very good fun for those that like it, but they shan't come it over me, I can tell 'em. 255 —I shouldn't mind, for the men dare not touch me; but my mate told me as a secret, that that fellow, Mr. Gay, has got a. posse of those young scamps to come and seize all the steerage gentlemen, and I shouldn't wonder if they don't come to us, what do you think? hadn't we better both be in one cabin, and so defend each other?" *« Why no," said Sly, *' best stay as we are;" for he thought (like some other trea- cherous allies in the world) he might be able to purchase a separate peace, should the worst come to the worst ; besides, he had half a mind to go and stow himself away in the hread-room, and would have certainly put this last thought in execution, but that he feared to quit his present retreat, and that he might be stifled below from the heat; and wasn't quite sure that the door of the said premises might be open I " Well," said Bolus, " I've got my pistols, thank God I let 'em not go too far with their fun, that's all!" Here the purser cried out once more, *'hush — they are certainly hailing!" " Yes, I hear them, dragging something along!— O yes! they've began their hellish 256 On this, he quickly bolted his door, and betook him to his ruminations, while the doctor fell to cursing and swearing with all his might, by w^ay of chasing away sundry uneasy sensations ! in which agreeable pastimes we must leave these worthies, for a few moments, to attend to what was actually going on on deck. Sly was right ; the Apollo had been hailed ; and, jumping down the after ladder, the first lieutenant instantly informed the captain with a very demure significant look, asking if he'd come up, or should he answer. To this the captain smiling replied, «' O I'll attend to his Majesty ;" following close after Shroud up the ladder, and being handed a speaking trumpet, walked forward, where some of the mids, and most of the old seamen of the ship, now as- sembled, pulled off their hats as he stepped among them, saying, " where is his Majesty? has he hailed again?" Here the cue being given, a stentorian voice was heard some- where ahead hailing, '' ho the ship ahoy ! — hollo !~what ship is that ?' ' ^' The A polio !'* " Who's the captain?" *' George Oakheart!'* " Have ye got any new hands aboard ?" " Yes, a few, may it please your Majesty." ^.57 " Well, I'm coming aboard, have a rope ready." On this, the captain gave orders to help his Majesty up, (who always comes aboard over the bows, and being a God, is not cere- monious), returning himself to the quarter deck to receive him in state, as by custom established. And now a great bustle was seen on the forecastle, and strange amphibious fish ap- peared, as from the bosom of the vasty deep, though indeed they hid only turned out of the galley ; and a short delay took place while the car of Neptune (Anglice, a grating) was getting ready, and himself and helpmate, Amphitrite, were comfortably seated on a stool thereon — then marshalling before and behind, regulated in strict etiquette by his Majesty's barber, v^^ho acted as master of the ceremonies, aided by Mr. Trumpeter Triton. This august procession was seen to advance along the starboard gangway, dragged by eight lusty Tritons, for indeed no other Hip- pocampi had his Majesty, who, be it said, was no other than the before-mentioned captain of the forecastle, whose oakum beard, well flowered, descended to his waist; — in his hand S5S he held his trident, supplied from the boat* swain's store-room, and which august imple- ment had been with great propriety often usefully employed in killing fish. The goddess, his spouse, was no other than the midshipman's boy, Jem, who indeed was so bepainted, beflowered, and stuck out with dressing gowns and tinsel, that she seemed a very w^orthy partner for her lord. Supported on his right hand, marched one of his sons — but whether Polyphemus or Bu- siris was a moot point — but he proved cruel enough for either, and had but one eye! This terrific personage was the most active and fierce of all these gods and demi-gods, and was known at other times as the biggest of the boatswain's mates, under whose paws many had groaned before that day, in good earnest!! All these satellites of the hoary king, as well as himself, were naked as they were born to the waist, their trowsers tucked up close, by way of being as classical in their costume as possible ! and each was armed with an enormous club, with which they struck the deck in unison as they advanced. On the left came Neptune's Apothecary, dressed in a cocked hat and flowered flowing 259 wig; — this part Bolus's loplolly-boy (being the best qualified) had undertaken ; hoy he was none — to his teens, poor fellow, be it spoken, he had seen at least five of them — being good fifty years of age, and had seen some service, under many successions of surgeons. This fellow had a good deal of dry humour about him, and indeed to the apothecary and the barber fell all the cream of the approaching fun. Close at the heels of this grotesque figure, who held a bottle in one hand and a certain implement in the other, trod two urchins, his attendants, bearing a bucket filled with — tar and a mixture of grease — and other things, 'twas said, too tedious to mention — being the mysterious physic of the said limb of the faculty. The barber wielded an enormous razor filed in notches, made of an iron hoop, at least a yard long ; a tar brush graced the other fist ; and for soap he applied to the apothecary aforesaid. In this order, the car of Neptune ap- proached where the captain stood, who, taking off his hat, made him a profound re- verence, hoping his grim Majesty was well, and likewise inquiring into the state of Ma- 260 darnels health, at which he or she grinned with the pleased expression of a playful ground shark ; and now indeed a general titter ran through all the host of mids, who were much more intent on the grotesque and ludicrous figures before them! and in anticipations of the coming sport, than any thing else. They all knew by this time that a general ducking was to ensue, and that they were to be shaved ; as though Mr. Neptune wore a beard himself, yet was he excessively cautious of allowing it in others. The only misgivings among the juvenile part of them were on the score of the quality of the soap suds and lather used by Mr. Barber Triton, which had been mixed under his superintendence, by the apothecary aforesaid, and of which report spoke in rather appalling terms, as not being the most savoury in the world ! The usual salutations between his Majesly and the captain being over, the monarch ex- pressed a wish to visit the ship's company, and hold his court on the main deck, where cer- tain examinations were to take place by his good leave, and the different ^«/i*e/i/s be sub- mitted to the skill of his physician and barber — for it seems — not to have before been in 261 his Majesty? court implied being <« s/cA'"— and being; sick implied by the same token, the want of shaving I ! The cortege once more advanced, and (as we see them on the stage, by way of display- ing their forjes) — they took a circuit round the quarter deck, and passing under the " spanker hoom'^ filed off two and two down the ladder to the number of at least forty — of the most grim looking personages it was well possible to conceive — they had so bc- painted their bodies, and so he-oakumed their heads — that like certain savages of Van Die- man's land, or tlie Chichasaws, or Ossages; they seemed to have left scarcely any thing human in their appearance. And now being marshalled on the main deck, Mr. Neplune was enthroned in state just behind two half -but is full of water; across which was lashed a capstan bar, on which •the patients were to be seated while under- going their interrogations, as to the state of their healths, their births parentage^ and edu- cation ! — all which points were left to the critical acumen of Polythemus, the barber, and the apolherary ; while his Majesty and 2Q2 so many of his guards as could be spared, sat, and approved the treatment. All being thus ready — a strong gang headed by the monstrous son of Neptune in person, scoured the decks fore and aft, and carefully selected all the sheep from the icolves ; driving the sheep below hatches, to be brought up one by one ; while the wolves (or those who had been examined in former voyages, being long before well known by certain marks) were armed with buckets, which were instantly filled with salt water over the side — and thus furnished, these executioners formed a long avenue up to the tubs, or judgment seats, through which ihe palienl was to pass, after his audience — or rather after being ^J%- sickeddind shaved! And now beg;an this dire operation I — in which the uproar and confusion, bawling, laughing, cursing, exceeded all powers of description ; added to the noise incidental to the splashing of the waters in this aqueous pandemonium, from the discharge of the whole of their buckets over the retiring pa^ iient ; who fought his way half drowned through them. 263 But it will be but fair to mention the for- mula of this aug:ust examination of the first unhappy wight brought up — who happened to be a strong young tailor from London — his kicking and struggling was held very cheap though he swore he'd be revenged afterwards — and he was seated on the judg- ment tub over the water, where being forci- bly held — the barber and apothecary ap- proached, and with looks of condolence and soft urbauily, were very sorry — but it w^as evi- dent he had a '' violent fever,'' for which the doctor had, he said, a sovereign specific — " What's your name my good man, that I may mention it to his Majesty !" here some of his friends called out "' don't answer," but unhappily too late — the unfortunate tailor opened his mouth to say " Joseph Simple, what then ?" when the barber who had his brush (dipped in the nauseous mixture we have alluded to) ready in his hand — thrust it suddenly in the unfortunate Simple's teeth, and then lathering his cheeks and face with it, proceeded to shave or rather scrape his chin with his small razor, wiiich left its pas- sage marked by red streaks on either side, corresponding with the notches! 2G4 No sooner was this done, spite of the vio- lent struggles of the enraged son of the shears, than the bar on which he sat suddenly flew from under him, and as suddenly he was plunged (head foremost) backwards un- der water, and quickly covered up with wet fiveabSi which garnished the edges of these cold baths, to keep him from catching cold, as the doctor said — and from the which un- comfortable covering he struggled out half drowned, to meet the afore^^id discharges of at least fifty buckets of water ! — after which he was free to chime In and serve the remainder in the same way ! — but alas the poor tailor was a woeful while extricating his mouth and face from the nauseous intrusion of that vile brush!! The next in order (but indeed io save time they brought them up two and two) was a stout "Yorkshireman who was cunning as the devil, and as he was already up to not open- ing his mouch — only shook his head or nodd- ed to all their kind enquiries — but the doctor said he wa^^"- dumb-foimdered,'' — and must have a little of his extract; when, the bottle before alluded to, (having a strong tube in- serted in the cork) was forced into the un- 265 happy patient's mouth— and no sooner had this sweet liquid reached his palate, than he expressed hy very unequivocal signs, how ex- tremely unpalatable it was — and trying to spit it out, the officious brush found an entrance, and completed his dismay — indeed the more cautious, was the worse policy; for such was the acute practice of these two, (like two able lawyers) that they never failed by a series of cross questions, to get an answer in the end — when they instantly administered a double dose. The captain and the lieutenants, and JVea- zel, who had unluckily crossed the line long since, saw most of this from the gangway ; occasionally getting a sly bucket of water as if in mistake, all over them — but the w^ealher was hot enough to prevent its being very disagreeable — besides this was no time for a serious face — nor was there, with the excep- tion of those actually undergoing, and the purser, doctor, clerk Toby, and Smallnouse, a single grave feature in the whole ship. We have seen where two of those gentle- men were ensconced ; but though Gay wd(h his gang had been in search of the other two for some time past, yet had they hid themselves VOL. I. N 266 auay so snug-ly and effectually as to seem to lid defiance to the chase. To account for this, we must go a step backwards, to where Toby held a consultation with the school master. Now, as Toby thought, with Falstaff, that the better part of valour was discretion; and knew indeed, contrary to the doctor's opinion, that no valour would have served his purpose, (for he pretty well knew from hearsay, what was coming), knowing this, he thought stratagem might do better — and im- parted to the quaking Smallnouse, the know- ledge of a secret slow-hole in the wings, behind the cables, where they might be snug till such time as, tired out with looking after them, they might safely make their appearance, and laugh at the rest! — and hither had the pedagogue followed him, on his hands and knees, as fast and as well as he could ; but as Toby likewise foresaw a dreary length of time to wait — he resolved to have a drop of comfort with him : and after rummaging the hquor-case, had taken half a bottle of com- fort with him, for his own and co-partner in exile's particular consumption. After groping about among the cables, in 267 the dark, followed by Smallnouse, on all fours, with many ejaculations and ohs I and ahs! they at length arrived at a place of safety, where this worthy pair, seated on their hams, thus communed with each other. " Here we are my boy, give us your hand, there, one step more — that's it — the devil is in them if they get here." " Ah, but the devil is in them, I'm sorry to say, they'll get any where I" returned the doleful magister — *'WelI, but" rejoined Toby, "they can't suspect it"—'' Can't suspect it ! and you in par- ticular—who don't know the stem from the stern — oh dear ! its a bad business — but what can they do, after all ?" *' Why" quoth Toby, '' its a dirty piece of * lark* as you could wish ! and the stuff that rascally loplollyboy, Plaster, has mixed up, is the most unsavoury compound that was ever thrust in nostril of man! yes, yes, I know pretty well what the ingredients are," at this, Smallnouse made wry faces — " I don't mind, more than another,'* continued Toby, a bit of lark ! you know I don't." ''I know it very well," replied Smallnouse, with a groan. " Well," continued the scribe, " alittle 26S water, outwardltj' s all nothing at all ; as its devilish hot; here, take a dram, its infernally hot! but to be scraped, and smeared, and maul- ed : why its no fun, « dash my wig' — " My wig, you mean,'' says the other — "^owhave nothing to fear on that head!" ** You mean on that head of yours," retorted Toby, "my head has got its own hair yet — but not all the tar nor in the bucket can hurt such a thing as that you carry about with you! but come, its a poor heart that never rejoices : put a little of that in your bread-room! (handing him the bottle). "Bless us," cried Smallnouse, as he was about to present the mouth of the said com- forter to his own — " what's that? they're coming ! hark ! " — at this they both held their breath, and pricked up their ears ; and sure enough they did hear sounds, that seemed to bespeak the approach of the enemy l a sort of tally-ho given at the main hatchway by Mr. Tugjunk, with " Below there ! hoy I be- low there ! you may soon unkennel those foxes ! take a turn round the cable tier, if you can't find'em any where else !" At the said terrific sounds, these unlucky elders looked aghast and Toby thinking 269 it best to prepare for making all sail, began backing oat of his hole, without imparting this retrogade movement to his quiescent com- panion, (who never suspected it possible, he would leave the bottle behind) ; and had pro- ceeded with silent celerity, in this crab's and crabbed fashion, towards daylight, when just as he presented his stern at the point where he could descend, he was saluted by a hearty smack, and a general " hurrah ! here we are ! what, old boy ! why, we have been looking for ye — they're serving grog out, on the main deck, and you out of the way!'* ** That's queer enough," says another, " come, hand him up, let a poor fellow have his whack !" " I never knew Toby behind, before,*' cries a third, "But where's, but where's ^mine ancient,^' cried Gay, who, dressed out almost as fantastically as the men, had been appoint- ed to superintend the shaving of the more genteel patients, Toby finding it of no use being sulky ; and thinking, that to share our misfortunes, lightens them ! pointed significantly towards where he had left his companion in trouble — and darting in, two of the oldsters, each seizing a leg and an arm, dragged Small- N 2 270 nouse out, in spite of an attempt to call them to order, by crying out " Gentlemen, I shan't put up with it, oh ! — ah ! — take care what you are about! I'll not put up with it-indeed I wont — I'll inform the captain of every par- ticular !" in the midst of this address, they broug"ht him out, heels foremost; covered all over with dust and dirt, from the cables, (as when some precious mummy is restored to daylight, to bless the anxious antiquaries re- search !) — with his wig- awry — and altogether cutting the most lamentable figure — and now, being placed on his legs, these two stray sheep were escorted to the scene of action. And many were the jokes cracked on both ; one observing, that the school-master would now get a wash fore and aft, for nothing at all — another that Toby would find the grog, half and half ; and that the burgoo was excellent. At length the clerk was seated, and being questioned as to his name, parentage, and education — replied that he was born in Lon- don, and that it was no use asking him any more, for he had forgot all the rest — all this time, the bottle was getting replenished with nectar — and the questions were more multi- 271 plied, as there only now remained these two and the two in tlie gun-room — being asked by Gay, (while the barber and apothecary stood ready), whether bis god-father had not pro- mised two or three things in his name ? he replied, that his god-father was a d d old rascal, and had no business to promise without performing— "Well" quoth the priest, " he has sent ye two things, at any rate;" at which the bottle was put to his mouth, and a plen- tiful dose administered, in spite of his kicking and cursing — then came the ebony brush over liis chops, which in his struggles, was smeared all over the rest of his face ; so that when he at last broke loose, under a shower of swabs, and water — he looked admirably fitted for the part of one of the devils in Der Freischiitz; — the worst being over, and Toby liking to suf- fer in company, made up to where the unfor- tunate Smallnouse was waiting his turn, and clasping him in his arms, conveyed half the tar, &c. to the visage of his friend, who, in consideration of this salute, a good ducking, and his earnest entreaties, saying it would be the death of him, was let off — or rather suf- fered to escape in the plight he was, which he did with more agility than he was ever seen 273 to skip with before — and now the high priest and his myrmidons went down in force into the gun-room, where that worthy pair of ori- ginals had been listening with painful anxiety, to the uproar of voices and waters above. Gay, to whom, unkenneling the restive, gave the greatest delight, making up to the purser's cabin, called out " Purser Sly! Pur- ser Sly! appear! — for Atropos has come to cut thy thread !" " I'll not believe it," says the purser, " and besides, I've not got a skein left ! — and I'll be d d if I come out with- out the captain's written order:" " Oh, ho ! wont you, why then we must make free with your wooden jacket;" then making a sign; half a dozen of the iritons advanced with their clubs, and rained such a peal against the door, that the astonished purser beat a parley, and after a number of stipulations, surren- dered at discretion ; then, taking Gay and the barber aside, as he said to tell them some- thing of the last importance — he spoke a few words that were never heard, but they were not without their effect — as will be seen in the sequel. All this time, the little doctor was voci- ferating, ''Have a care, I've loaded pistols SIS here — let no man presume, on pain of death, to enter my cabin ! — it's my castle — and I'll defend it to the last extremity ! do you be off Mr. Gay, I shan't come out, so help me G — d, the first person that attempts to touch my person, I'll shoot!" To all this, the clubs of the tritons replied by six bangs at the door, which seemed to knock the wits out of the besieged hero, and one of the panels being beaten in, he was beheld with a pistol in his hand at the breach ; but the thumps only redoubled — and at last, what with knocking and shoving, the whole door gave way, and upset the doctor ; who in his fall, fired his pistol, and saluted a certain utensil (which his boy had neglected to empty), with his nose, in his descent, receiv- ing its contents all over his head and should- ers — he was pifined in a minute, and man- handled on deck, kicking and sprawling and bawling, the whole way, that by all the devils in h— 1 he'd do for some of them yet — and now finding him so restive, and having fired too, (though indeed there was no ball in the pistol), they lathered him, and bephysic'd him without mercy— then, after a sudden im- mersion, they let him go, with the usual quan- 274 turn of buckets of water : at last, not unlike a drowned rat, he got away, and running aft, breathless with rage and exertion, his face half black, half white; and one flap of his coat torn off in the struggle ; in this pickle, he made up to the captain, complaining of the ill usage he had received ; and hoped he would not allow such goings on — that he would try them for a mutiny ; and that if he, the captain, did'nt support him — he must look to higher authority ! so help him G — d! The captain had heard the report of the pistol, and was afraid some mischief had been done, but seeing this pacific end — he soon con- soled the little man — by observing, that he himself ^*haid been soused ; besides," said he, laughing, "you see Belair (whose visage was well betarr'd) submitted with a good grace I come, come — you made too much resistance — but Where's the purser ?" at this moment the purser popped his head up the hatchway, dripping wet indeed — but they had laid on the brush kindly — only a small dab on his chin — which he assured the doctor was en- tirely owing to being civil, and making no noise ; to which the doctor, still but half pa- cified, and frequently looking where the flap 215 of his coat had heen^ answered, with a sneer — *' and yet ' you were goin»^ to play the devil before they got about your house'— 1 knew what your brag^ging would come to! — 1 know how you got off so well ! — yes, yes !" Early in the affair, Hawser had been shaved, and as Gay rather liked him, he came off pretty well ; but such was the sticky and stinking: nature of the said lather, that he did not ^et rid of it for many days after. The decks were now dried up; most of the ship's company and officers had laughed so much, and exerted themselves so violently, that they were fairly tired out; and when they piped to dinner, at one o'clock, after having changed their clothes for dry ones, all settled down into one universal calm — for the air was unruffled even by the slightest breath of wmd — nor was such a thing as a '''' cat\s paw'' to be seen on all the vast blue glassy expanse of waters round them. A double allowance of grog was served out, at the captain's expence; as he said, to keep the fellows from catching cold! and the mids were sent a dozen of port, with the same charitable intention. 276 And now being all assembled in their dry things round the festive board, including the youngsters, who were expressly ordered to share the wine on this occasion, many were the jokes bandied about at each other's patch- work and party coloured visages. Gay, (who, when he was roused on such occasions, had a greater flow of animal spirits than any of them), ran Toby very hard, who, defending his retreat but lamely, took Small- nouse by the hand, crying out, " Old Shiver, the Mizen! 'Now is the winter of our dis- content made glorious summer by the wine of York!'" — which apt quotation was eked out with slyly twitching Smallnouse's wig awry, as he conveyed the glass to his lips — and then a roar ensued, from all the jolly dogs round — while some called out, " but I say, Tickletohy, it was scurvy of you to back out without your Jidus achates !" '< Aye, in- deed!" cried Smallnouse, adjusting his wig, ''odds bobs! and left the bottle with me!!" " Well, after that, comes a horse to be shaved,'' rejoined Lackwit — "but I say, what ad — d shame old Patn (the master) wasn't overhauled! ' '' Who!" cries Gay, ** I 277 got the engine to bear on him, and almost put his larboard eye out, as the old hunks was grinning on the gangway!" In such talk did they sit long and happily, till, as the wine and grog mounted upwm'ds, they grew all talkers and no hearers, and happy he, who could bawl the loudest. At last, Toby was carried to his hammock quite oblivious, and Smallnouse just contrived to fetch the latitude of his nest. Meantime the officers had their own jokes at the expense of the purser and surgeon ; and for once, Weazel, joining the quizzing party, was excessively dull on them, aided by a sly remark now and then from the cap- tain, who that day dined with them by special invitation, as he did, as a matter of course, every Sunday. Just after quarters, a strange sail was re- ported — and, in such a wilderness of water, it gave them matter for speculation through the slow watches of the night. END OF VOL. 1. W. GLIKDON, Printer, 51, Rupert Street, Haymaiket. UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS-URBANA 3 0112 052946230 =^=^ ■4 \