182.8 W422 1a7\ forums. nau & TIN KLER ; siti, yl Bendie cin: OR O| MHy Giese zaddimaoGtlIer. -F. @. BURNAND & ARTHUR SKETCHLEY, ith Ar and Original Musie by THEODORE HERMANN. COPYRIGHT. ee a Se = 4 x 2s 3 PHILLIPS’ WEST LONDON PUBLICITY OFFICES, ‘SNIIdOd HSIN! JO JqVS SAISNIOXA “RBEGEMT CIkCUS, OX¥ORD STRERBT, W,. p - Authors and Advertisers me hie treated ate | <. ae eee a SATE See LONDON EY PILL REGENT CIRCUS, OXFORD STREET, W. wien aE I oe SIXPENCE. ad to Larce Premises, 147, Regent Street- 7 ey Pree . dees al ; a , Cea) eae o } ; : = WHELPTONS Are warranted not to contain a single particle of MERCURY orany other MINERAL SUBSTANCE but to consist entirely of Medicinal matters, PURE- LY VEGETABLE. During the last thirty-five years, they have proved their value in thousands of instances in diseases of the Head, Chest, Bowels, Liver, and Kidneys: and in all skin complaints are one of the best medicines known. Sold in boxes, price 74d., 1s. 14d. and 2s. 9d. each by G. WHELPTON & SON, 3, Crane Court, Fleet. Street, London; and by all Chemists: and Medicine Vendors. Sent free on receipt of 8, 14, or 33. stamps J. TOUZEAU SAUNDERS, 143, OXFORD ST,, LONDON Saunder’s Face Powder or Bloom of Ninon INTERNATIONAL Exurprt1on Retains its superiority over all other vos- 1862 metic Preparations for Preserving the: HoNORABLE MENTION Beauty and Youthful Freshness of the « Complexion. Its advantage in hot coun-— tries is immense; it effectually preserves the skin from the influence of Climate. Price 6d., 1s., 2s. 64.—by post for 8, 16, or 40 stamps. a Superfluous Hair Easily and effectually Removep by Saux-. DER’S ORTENTAL DrpruaTory. Packets, 2s.,. free for 25 stemps. Saunder’s Eau Blonde or Golden Hair Wash . Is used simply as a Hair Wash, and ina. “gon GoopwEss of Quanitr” few days changes the hair to the gold en shade so much admired. Pure, simple;, harmless, but perfectly effective; no fear of failure, nor any appre- hension of injury to the Hair. Price, 4s. 6d., double size, 7s. 6d. een see Sees SN Ree aah: J. TOUZEAU SAUNDER’S TOILET ey are sold by all in Bown an Perfumers and Chemists own and Ceuntry. Fee Boul THE BATTLE OF DORKING; OR Hs Grmese wedi pea eot ine xz. BY F.C. BURNAND & ARTHUR SKETCHLEY, With Meo and Original Wusie by Cy THEODORE HERMANN. COPYRIGHT. —_—_—__— — = ——— PHILLIPS’ WEST LONDON PUBLICITY OFFICES, REGENT CIRCUS, OXFORD STREET, W. pool uthors and Advertisers liberally treated with. | LONDON : PHILLIPS, REGENT CIRCUS, OXFORD STREET, W. APPROVED FAMILY REQUISITES: Keating’s Cough Lozenges. The vast increase in the demand for these COUGH LOZENGES, and the nnmerous Testimonials constantly received, fully justify the Proprietor in asserting they are the best and safest yet offered to the public for the cure of the following complaints:—AstTHMa, WIntTER CouGcH, HOARSENESS, SHORTNESS OF BREATH, and other PunMoNARY MALADIES. They have deservedly obtained the high patronage of their Majesties the King of Prussia and the King of Hanover; very many also of the Nobility and Clergy, and of the Public generally, use them, under the recommendation of some of the most eminent of the Faculty. = Testimonial from CoLonEL Hewett, J.P. and D. Te Glamorgan, May, 1866. Dear Sir,—I was attacked with a severe cough, which your Lozenges re- moved inafew days. My servants, ulso, by taking your Lozenges, were soon cured. I feel it a-duty (to the public) to offer my testimony to their efficacy, which you are at liberty to publish.—Yours truly, To Mr. Thomas Keating. W. HEWETT. Prepared and sold in Boxes, 1s. 14d.; and Tins, 2s. 9d., 4s. 6d., and 11s. each, by KEATING, Chemist, 79, ST. PAUL’S CHURCH- YARD, LONDON, E.C. Sold Retail by all Druggists, &e. Keatine’s Children’s Worm ‘Fablets. A purely Vegetable Sweetmeat, both in appearance and taste, furnish- ing a most agreeable method of administering a well-known remedy for INTESTINAL OR THREAD Worms. It is a perfectly safe and mild preparation, and is especially adapted for Children, being as harmless in its action as it is prompt and certain in its effects ; and may be taken with impunity by the most delicate constitution. Prepared and sold in Tins, ls. 1jd. and 2s. 9d. each, by THOMAS KEATING, Chemist, &c., 79, St. Pavui’s CHURCHYARD, LONDON, E.C., and retail by all Druggists. Put up in Small Boxes, “specially”? for post, which will be for- warded on receipt of 14 stamps. KEATING’S _ Persian Insect Destroying Powder. . Fleas, Bugs, Cockroachss, Beetles, Ants, Mosquitoes, Moths, &e., are instantly destroyed by this Powder, which is quite harmless to animal life. Sold in Packets, 1s., 2s. 6d., and 4s. 6d. each; or Is. Packets free by post for 12 Postage Stamps, and 2s. 6d. on receipt of 86. Alse in Bottles with bellows, 1s. 6d. and 8s. each, by THOMAS KEATING, * Chemist, 79, St. PAut’s CHuRCHYARD, Lonpon E.C. 7 bx Lhasa /€7/ DRAMATIS PERSONA Sergeant Blower (retired) ae Mr. F. Dewar ~. Cheeks, the Mariner (cashiered) Mr. F. H. Trisx 8 ¢ First produced at the Royan ALHAMBRA THEATRE, on s Monday, August 7th, 1871. ~3 Managing Director, Prep. Srranaz, Esq, \% 2 N.B.—AII applications for the performance of this piece — st, must be made to Mr. Moweray, 35, Keppel Street, 3 tussell Square, London, W.C. BELGIAN LACE COMPANY, 902, REGENT STREET.- © Largest choice in the Kingdom of real Bruxelles and every other kind of Lace. Trousseaux (consisting of the Bridal Lace, Linen and Handkerchiefs) from £100 to 2,000 guineas. Great advantage in price. Fans from One guinea to the most Bao Es ae nD 8 Ee ae Re Is the only BUILDING SOCIETY whose Annual Receipts exceed ONE MILLION. Powe 1 O-PURCHASES A VHOUSE For Two Guineas per Month. With lnmediate Possession, and no rent to pay. Apply at the Office of the Pee Ook Crm BULLE DING? S00 CLE TY, 29 and 30, Southampton Buildings, Chancery Lane. How to Purchase a Plot of Land for Five Shillings per Month, With Immediate Possession. Either ’ for Building Purposes. Apply at the Office of the BIRKBECK FREEHOLD LAND SOCIETY, 29 & 30, Southampton Buildings, Chancery Lane. HOW TO INVEST YOUR MONEY With Safety at £4 per cent Interest. Apply at the Office of the BIRKBECK BANK. All sums under £50 repayable on demand. Current Accounts opencd similar to ordinary Bankers. Cheque Books swpplied. Office hours from 10 till 4, on Mondays from 10 till 9, and on. Saturdays from 10 till 2. = Small Pamphlet, containing full particulars, may be obtained Gratis i or sent post free on application to FRANCIS RAVENSCROFT, Maragzer. or Gardening 1 fe a I-4 Je fF ape net A St. JAMESS HALL, PICCADILLY. o ee. RS eee = ms A —— Ee ALL THE YEAR ROUND EVERY ENIGHE AT EIGH Ie WEDNESDAYS & SATURDAYS, 3 & 8, The charming and sparkling Entertainment of the C Ls ec CHRISTY MINSTRELS For « period extending over Six Consecutive Years ‘This Company has succeeded in attracting audiences which have filled their Hall to repletion eicht—sometimes ten—and often twelve times in each week throughout the entire term ; audiences comprising within their numbers the very éliée of the Nobility, Avistocracy, and Clergy of the British Empire; indisputable facts which must speak volumes for the sterling merit of the Entertainment, while The EXTRAORDINARY DURATION of the SEASON too, is unquestionably WITHOUT A PRECEDENT,IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD'S AMUSEMEN iTS. All the more remarkable when it is borne in mind how Pe title has been hacknied and abused by the (almost) innumerable troupes that have been taken throngh the Provinces, often with such weak and servile imitations, as to thoroughly disgust the Pubiie with the very name of Christy Minstrels. ae oe ee paaiel THE PUBLIC SHOULD NOTE THAT THE ORIGINAL , CHRISTY MINSTRELS NEVER HAVE PERFORMED, NEVER WILL PERFORM OUT OF LONDON, Under any circumstances whatsoever, appearing only at the ‘ST, JAMES’S HALL, LONDON, Nightly at Hight; Wednesdays, and Saturdays, at Three and Eight. Prop: rictors—-Messrs. C. W. MOORE, & FRED, BURGESS, SCENE. Apartment in the Cottage of CHEEKS’ Grandmother at Dork- ing. Through the windows RK. and i. of C. 1s seen a cabbage garden in which are small cannon, a flaastaff, cannon balls. Distant marine view, white cliffs. sea, &e. Table Rr. chair r.c. Bed curtains concealing a recess L. inwhich is a bed, Fireplace nr. over it a telescope, model of a ship, cutlass. pistols, musket. One side of the room 1s decorated with all Cheeks’ Grandmother's property. Opening Music. BitoweER discovered sitting before the table, on which propped up by desk, blacking dottle and rushlight shade ts a large portrait of CHEEKS. Brower ts engaged in altering the picture which is now a half carrotty man in sailor's dress, and the other half black in military uniform. He has paint pots about him and brushes ; ona chair are CHEEKS’ trousers almost split into two separate legs. Buownr is sitting in his shirt sleeves with waistcoat split up the back, he wears his military trouses with one stripe off one leg: he wears « stock showing no collar. Biower (stepping back and regarding the portrait with admvration). ‘There! I think [m getting it something like at last (¢2 one hand he holds a hand- looking- glass). It’s very difficult to sit to yourself for your own portrait, one side of the face is a striking likeness ; but in the other I can’t get rid of that infernal Cheeks (/ries again, makes a smudge). No, J can’t, my eye 1s tired, the constant contemplation of the Beautiful has dazed me, I will seek relief at the needle’s point. Where is the needle ? Where is the needle? (sets on his work). Ah! (jumps ap quickly.) There is the needle! (sakes up one leg of trouser, and regards the other lying on back of chair.) These were his habits as he hved—and must be mine, Poor Cheeks! he was not a great man! (pozwiting to broom in pail) That’s his figure to the life. The waistcoat I have adopted for a divided duty, his marine coat is not insurmountable, but these—the bags have baffled one. This piece (takes up piece of canvass) must be let in. Blower to your task! (starts.) Blower! Why do I murmur that name? Iwas Blower! hush! Iam not Blower. I have dissembled—I am Cheeks the Marine ! 6 BATTLE OF DORKING. that is T say I am, and all the world believes me. I have not told anybody yet, in order not to arouse suspicion, and I must get accustomed to my name. If anybody suddenly called me Cheeks, I should be astonished. Why indulge in this bad habit of talking to myself? Because I have no one else to talk to. I dare not tell anybody, that, after the great battle of Dorking, fought within 4 few yards of this very spot, I retired from the scene of my triumphs to pass some considerable time in solitude, forced upon me by my ungrateful country. At last I was free, and was determined to seek my old companion in arms, the indomitable Cheeks. Jmagine my feelings when, on’ reaching the sea- port of Dorking, I found the marine resi- dence of Cheeks’ grandmother empty. The hospitable door no longer opened to me, the key partially concealed beneath the thatch. Being an old soldier, I was at no loss how to lay siege, plan the traverses, and escalade the fortress. | did so. I simply drew the key from the thatch, unlocked the door, and here I am, resolved to hold my own against all comers. I said to myself, ‘No one here— then they must be defunct!” Why? Thus: “ If Cheeks were alive, Cheeks would be here. Cheeks is not here, ergo, Cheeks is dead.” So much for Cheeks. Now for his grandmother. His grandmother was always bed- ridden ; she can’t move without her bed. Well, her bed is here, she’s not 27 bed, and she can’t be out of bed, unless they’ve buried her. They would’nt bury her unless she were dead ; ergo, she’s dead. So much for Cheeks’ grand- mother— so much the pair. As Cheeks must inherit Cheeks’ grandmother’s money ; to save trouble, I have taken upon myself to be Cheeks. Henceforth, let friends at a distance take notice that I am Cheeks. I fought as Blower: I retire as Cheeks. Fatigued with war, deaf to the trumpet call, I repose on my well-earned laurels— or, under the present circumstances, on Cheeks’ well- earned laurels. SONG. The soldier tired of Wars alarms, Disguisted with all feats of arms, Quick from the battle-field will fly BATTLE OF DORKING. bos When loud he hears the war like cry To Arms ! When duty calls—he'll not obey, But swiftly run the other way, Hooray! He runs And shuns The deadly fray, He cares not who may gain the day. Away ! (gaily) On my charger bold I'll neigh and prance, As through the ranks I proudly dance. With my gay sabretashe, My galop and dash ; Let the cymbal tying The clarion ring, And both together go bom, tying, crash ! (majestic) My steed I will curb As he tramples the herb, And the daffy downdillies below ; Tl scour the plain And never again In the warlike ranks will I show! (plaintive) Let others slay our foreign foes, On others laurels I’ll repose, While boasting soldiers’ vict’ries gain, At home the Hero will remain, Like all who fight—who fight and run away, He'll live—but will not fight another day. (gaily) With my gay sabretashe, My jingle and dash, Let cymbals tying, Let clarion ring, And both together go bom, tying, crash !!! To stop impertinent inquiries, I determined to alter Cheeks’ portrait and Cheek’s clothes. I have nearly suc- ceeded in making the canvas there (pointing to portrait) a fac-simile of my own face, and altering the canvas here (indicating the piece for trousers) to my own—(pauses). —tigure. Though my end is almost achieved, yet I am not happy. The voice of conscience will not be stilled. There are chords— | Flageolet heard without. Al! how lovely are those strains! How soothing! Ah Le . BATTLE OF DORKING. [ Musie repeated. They seem to bring back to my weary eyelids that sleep ‘to which they have been so long a stranger. ( Yawns.) Oonscience, be still! Could I but still the gnawings of— (considering) —is it conscience or hunger? In either ease, when in doubt (yawns), go to sleep. [Disappears through curtains into bed. Flageolet is heard again. Enter at back, cautiously, CHEEKS, with flageolet. He is in a tattered sailors’ dress, black patch over his eye, and a wooden leg. ‘CHEEKS sings and plays. Pitee a poor marine—ah! Who’s served his country—-his countree— Oh! many a gallant fight he’s seen—ah ! And now he’s come back from sea. CHEEKS (playing last note). No reply to my signal! ‘The warming pan hangs mutely on the wall. She sleeps! My g oradmother sleeps ! [A snore. I hear her gentle breathing. She has the family snore, Now to my ‘task! W hy am I here? Let me see: why am I here? After the Great Naval Vietory of Dorking, from which time this has always ranked as a first-class seaport, I retired from the scene of my triumphs, to pass some considerable time in solitude forced upon me by an ungrateful country. In order to avoid the honours which vould have been. thrust upon me, at the moment I saw victory inevitable—but doubtful on which side—lI with- drew from the contest. The enemy numbered just twelve thousand—lI counted them—I knew our force to be twelve thousand and one—I was the one. Feeling this numerical superiority to be unfair, with the Seneca which ever adorn the true British Marine I scorned to remain any longer and overbalance the enemy. How was this truly heroic act of mine rewarded? I was recalled—that is, brought back by a corporal’s guard—and received cor- poral’s punishment—kept in the black-hole, and finally cismissed the service with musical honours. Ungrateful England! thus to requite your heroes! But ah! amid BATTLE OF DORKING. 9 the surrounding gloom I knew that there was one being alone that lived in a cottage near the wood, to choothe and scar me—I mean to soothe and cheer me—one bright being who never doubted my truth or suspected my courage. I knew that I could fly to her fond embrace as a haven from the storms of a cold ungrateful world. Me- thinks I see her now, as— Beside the cottage door She knelt upon the floor, And raised me to the shore, Nor hoped to see me more...... My Grandmother. Yes, when I boarded the enemy I thought of her who had boarded and lodged me in her own cottage—here—and I fought for England, bome, and my grandmother ! SONG. *Twas on board the Bold Bellerophon, Brave boys! That tight trim Man-of- War, That we fears no seas Not the battle nor the breeze, As we sailed away from England’s shore, My boys! my boys! As we sailed away from England's shore! Gaff boom the rudder, keel haul the jib! While the stormy winds do blow, By night and by day We will ery belay! And, pull away my boys. Yeo ho! Yeo ho! Aye, pull away my boys, Yea ho! It was about three bells, Brave boys! When we sighted the enemy’s fleet We were all asleep In the cradle of the deep, Every tar neath his blanket and his sheet’ My boys! wecie The skipper bounded on the deck, The anchor in his hand, And from below I cried “Bravo !” They were a noble band! 7) ( 10 BATTLE OF DORKING. (con spirits) Hach British tar was a Warriar On the Bold Bellerophon, I'll a cold in my head But from my bed I faintly cheered them on. Though the cannon may roar, Though the wind may blow, Yet the true British tar No fear can know As he cried ‘‘ My dear eyes! ” Here’s the enemee ! With a crack! Smack ! Whack ! He falls into the sea, Down, down, down! goes the enemee. And up, up, up Goes the flag of victorie ! [Rule Britannia in Orchestra Hurrah ! *twas done! The victory won ! That night I swam ashore, They'll never catch me | Again at sea On board of a Man-of-War. ‘Gaff boom the rudder ! Keel haul the jib! Then I sing to the girl I adore! Yeo ho! Yeo ho! I never more will go Aboard of a British Man-of-War ! Dear old girl! This is her cottage. My telescope! my shako! my portrait! Ah! this is touching! I mean this is touching up. She’s been attempting to paint me from recollection. She must have had a very dim recol- lection of me. Perhaps she was getting it ready for the Academy. But what’s this? (seeing trousers). My regulation trousers! She’s been altering them from recol- lection. But what could have been her motive for cutting them up? Oh, no doubt to find her will, which she made in my favour, and consigned to my care; in the hurry of my departure I left them behind me, with the will con- cealed in the waistband. JI will inspect it while she’s BATTLE OF DORKING. 11 asleep! She’s been playing the deuce with the trousers. I hope she’s not altered the will. Where’s a knife? But stay, am I observed! (Looks about.) No! The watch- dogs of the law are on my track, and the one man alone who would penetrate this disguise is my old companion Blower, now, as I hear, a detective. [| Snore. She’s restless. | Music. 1 will soothe her with the air she loves so well. (Plays flageolet.) She sleeps. [A pillow is thrown violently at him. She doesn’t! Still the same light-hearted creature! J knew she’d like it. (Plays again.) [Another pillow its thrown. Oh! I say, I can’t stand this. I must defend myself, even against my grandmother. Draw! , [Lakes up the pillow. BuowsER comes out of bed with a pillow, both hiding their faces from one another with pillows. Sharp encounter. Pause. Music during struggle. CHEEKS (starting—aside). Sergeant Blower ! [ Chord. BLowER (starting—aside). Cheeks, the Marine ! [ Chord. CHEEKS (aside). He thinks to deceive me by this flimsy device ! Brower (aside). He thinks to elude me by this trans- parent disguise ! CHEEKS. Where is my grandmother ? Brower. Your grandmother! You mean my grand- mother. CHEEKS. No; I don’t mean your grandmother. Brower. If you’re referring to the late Mrs. Nosey, know, sir, that I, Lieutenant Cheeks, the Marine, am her grandson and sole representative. CHEEKS. You! Cheeks! (Aszde.) ‘Then who am 1? Is there some mystery about my birth of which I have been kept in ignorance by a doating grandmother ? ( Aloud.) You said the late Mrs. Nosey. Do you mean to tell me that I am a grand-orphan ? Brower. I don’t know what you are, sir, but I mourn for my grandmother. (Weeps.) 12 BATTLE OF DORKING. CHEEKS. My poor grandmother! (Weeps.) Brower (suddenly stopping). Sir, I consider it a great liberty in you to cry for my grandmother. CHEEKS. Your grandmother! How do you prove that ? Brower. I am here as her heir and representative. Creeks. Hah! Brower. ‘“ Kiss me, Cheeks,” says she. ‘ I have left you everything ! SINGS My Grandmother, ‘twas here she slept— Called ae to her bed-side, I leave you all—said she, and wept— Good-bye—and so she died. Both sings together. BLOWER. Poor grandmamma ! Why did you die! Oh! it is true And very melancholy. Oly—oly ! Poor grandmamma Why did you die, Very melancholy—oly—oly—Oh ! CHEEKS My grandmamma! Oh! what a lie! If it were true It would be melancholy—oly—oly ! My grandmamma If not a lie! It is melancholy—oly—oly—Oh ! CHEEKS (aside). He knows nothing about the Will; Ill question him. (aloud). ‘ Would you be surprised ” to hear that the late Mrs. Nosey left no Will? Brower.’ No. DUET. Arr.—“ I never forget an insult.” Cu. “ Would you be surprised ” to hear that she had left a will ? Bu. Ishouldn’t: with astonishment the news would not me fill. Cu. ‘ Would you be surprised” to hear that a will she hadn't made P BATTLE OF DORKING. 13 Bu. I shouldn’t be surprised, young man, at anything you said. Cu. And “ would you be surprised ” for to find that will about ? Bu. I shouldn’t be surprised at whatever I might find out. Cu. Oh! “ would you be surprised ” to find that I'm the Right- ful Heir ? Bu. I shouldn't be surprised if you were not or if you were. Cu. No? Bu. No. Cu. No? Bu. No. Boru. We never would be surprised at what we eu be told, or see ? We never would be surprised if he were I, or ye were he. We never would be surprised at any news ‘that one might bring) We never would be, we never would be, surprised at anything. | | Dance to symphony. CHEEKS. (energetically. Then sir— Brower. I have no time to discuss the matter with you. Right about face—March! I have a great work on hand. | Lake the trousers Cueeks. Let go of my trousers ! Brower. Who’s touching your trousers ?P CHEEKS. Youare. Give ’emup. (Seizes one leg.) Music—Struggle. Brower. Not with life! [| Lhey struggle and tear trousers in half. CHEEKS. (aside, feeling waistband). Ihave it; there’s something here ; it’s the Will. Buow. (aside, feeling waistband.) Sewn up here—bank notes, no doubt. CieEKs. Before we proceed any further— are you Cheeks ? Brower. I am. CHEEKS. On your word, as a marine. Briower. [ am. es: U eald iw ee you be surprised”’ to hear that Tam Bk Be eis: No. Crerks. Very well then. Now listen. I hold here the last Will and Testament of the late Mrs. Nosey. 14, BATTLE OF DORKING. Brower. My grandmother. ‘CHEEKS. You are welcome to her, sir. (Jfwsic). Listen! In consequence of having heard of the lamentable demise of my grandson, Cheeks (music changes) at the battle of Dorking—I hereby bequeath the whole of my property to his brave comrade in arms, Sergeant Blower (chord— music). So Cheeks, get out. BiowER. Get out, sir! its for you to vacate the pre- mises, for I have found a codicil (music). In consequence of having heard of the lamented demise of my valiant friend, Sergeant Blower, at the great naval battle of Dorking (music changes), I hereby revoke the above Will, and fleave everything to my beloved grandson, Samuel Cheeks—So Blower, get out. CHEEKS. It’s a forgery. BLOWER. So is yours. CHEEKS. Show it. Biower. Show yours. CHEEKS. Shan’t. BLOWEB. Shan’t. Cuzexs. Sir; there’s only one way to settle this matter—it’s a way we have in the army.: BiowEr. It’s a way we have in the navy. CHEEKS. This is levity. Have youa pistol aboutyou P Brower. No, sir; have you? CHEEKS. No. Biowrer. Then we must at once purchasea pair. You havn’t got such a thing as five-and-sixpence about you ? CuEEKs. No; that’s exactly what I was going to ask you. Brower. I’m not going to pay for your pistol ! CHEEKS. Then you must have recourse to fire-arms. Here’s mine (se¢zes musket.) Buower. Hah! So will I! (rolls in the cannon, and takes up a large cannon ball). Wl frighten him (aside.) CHEEKS. (aside) Jl make him tremble! DUET. AIR. -— Bu. Wretched ruffian, as you know The man whom you have injured so, If not, then I will tell you—Oh— CH. CH. Br. CH. nie CH. BY. CH. Bu CH. Bu. CH. BATTLE OF DORKING. 15 I am a warrior bold ! Trembling traitor! don’t you know That I, whom you've insulted so, Am one who conquers every foe, I am a warrior bold! Wretched ruffian, &c. Trembling traitor, &c. If you are Cheeks, as you pretend to be, Why then you must have been engaged at sea. And if you're Blower, as you pretend to be, Then you must have fought a duel in the ar-mee. If he, &e. "Twas in Trafalgar’s bay— (aside) A first rate thing to say — (aloud) I fought both night and day ; Mid heroes you'd have found me. On Sallymanker’s height— (aside) I hope the name is right— (aloud) I braved the fiercest fight, My martial cloak around me! "Twas in Trafalgars noble bay— On Sallymankers height I say— I fought—slash—dash— I fought — crash—smash— We boarded the barge To the sound of the charge. The marines were all there— We marched in a square. I fought and I slew, And so did I too. Botu. We fought and we slew, And we did all we knew: And now do you think I’m afraid of you— So yield to me. Pooh! What yield to you ! Never—no never! whatever I do. Wretched ruffian! &c. eth eas “oh Trembling traitor, &c. BURL. Ok OE. CHEEKS (aside—with gun). I wonder how you load this. BLowER (aside—with cannon). I wonder how you load this. CHEEKS (aside). ve got it. (Aloud.) In order to avoid any suspicion of unfairness in the coming battle, J 16 BATTLE OF DORKING. should prefer you loading my weapon whilst I will load yours. Brower. Just exactly what I was going to propose to you. [ Ther yf exchange | bd and cross. CHEEKS (astde—with cannon ball). I shan’t put this in. Where’s my hat ? BLower (aside—with bullet). Catch me loading this oun. (Puts the bullet in his pocket, and rams the rod down violently). CueErEks. Are you ready P Brower. Quite. Are you? CHEEKS. Quite. Brower. Then when I say three— CHeEks. iddle-de-dee! Shoot at me! When do you mean to cry out three ? Brower. What's it matter when or how. Steady—steady— J am ready, And I mean to cry three now ! List to me ! List to me ! CHEEKS. Viddle-de-dee ! BLoweEr. Now then, Zhree ! Boru. Steady ! steady ! Are you ready ? Quite. Then keep your eye on me! Vengeance dire ! a | will fire When I say—What? One! two!! Ture!!! [Lie litle cannon goes off with a “fizz.” CiWEEKS produces cannon ball, which he holds in ) his hand, standing in abies CHEEKS. Observe, there is no deception ! Brower (crossing quickly and taking his musket). There is not. You have behaved like a soldier and a gentleman. CHEEKS. Oh, yes! that’s all very fine ; but in Guta have . my shot. [Lhey have both their hands on musket. - BATTLE OF DORKING. 17 Brower. You shall! Cueeks. When I say ‘three,’ do you, understand, whenever I say “three” I fire. Who’s to have Cheeks’s grandmother’s property. Brower. Why, Cheeks, of course. J am Cheeks! CHEEKS. Prove it. Brower. This shako, worn by me on the memorable day of Dorking. I had it made after my own pattern— Shako a son gout—(it doesn’t jit). His coat! I needn’t eall attention to the waistcoat, it speaks for itself. CHEEKS. Then it tells a crack. Brower. Having proved satisfactorily that I am Cheeks— CHEEKS. Three! (ratstng musket.) Brower. Don’t; 1t might go off. Are you satisfied P CurEEKs. Yes; when I’ve had my shot (as if suddenly struck with an idea). Stop! I've got something better than a shot. If you’re Cheeks, I’m ahlew er. Blow er, the detective, and must take you, Cheeks, into custody as a deserter, a forger, a swindler, and: for a variety of other erimes ; I shall Bieeal you over to the police. Brower. As Cheeks, I admit my guilt. But if you're Blower, a warrant is out against. you as a deserter, a forger, a swindler, and etcetera ! CHEEKS. Etcetera ! Good Heavens!!! Buiower. So | shall save myself and turn Queen’s evi- dence. CHEEKS. So shall I. Boru. Come along! (running off arm-in-arm— they stop suddenly at door.) CHEEKS. Stop! Brower. I won't. CHEEKS. (pointing musket). Three! Brower. Be quiet! CHEEKS. Then come here, and I won’t fire. Brower. On your word? CuEEKs. Of course. Ive an idea. Instead of tran- sporting each other, let’s stop here and make a fortune, Are you open to a big thing ? Brower. Well—. CHEEKS. Thousands ! Brower. Hem! money! 18 BATTLE OF DORKING. CHEEKS. Of course (looking rownd, then mysteriously. tremolo music). I say—ahem !—I didn’t see you at the battle of Dorking. Buower. If you come to that, I didn’t see you. CHEEK. I wasn’t there. BiLoweER. You don’t say so. Nomore was I. CHEEKS. No. Brower. No. aa Ahem! Would you be surprised to hear at— Brower. There never was a battle of Dorking ? Boru. (most mysteriously). Hush. . . teed Then are you prepared to write an account of it | Brower. I am; I’ve done it (produces manuscript.) CHEEKS. So have I (produces manuscript.) Brower. Then we'll write it to-gether. CHEEKS. We will. But should the fraud be dis- covered— Brower. Then we'll say— CuErxs. We will— Brower. That—it was written— CHEEKS. Precisely—by— Bots. My grandmother. FINALE. Bu. Oh, would you be surprised to hear, as fact beyond all doubt, That Blower and Cheeks are Trojans, Greeks, the greatest heroes out. Cx. And would you be surprised to hear, that here their quarrel ends, And Blower and Cheeks, for several weeks, will be the best of friends. Bu. And would you be surprised, when you're informed to-night, That as to the Battle of Dorking, there never was such a fight. Bora. No—no—no—no! ) Cu. Old England never will be surprised should you the foe appear As long as Cheeks— Bt. And Blower too! Boru. As long as we are here. Old England never will be surprised, a fact beyond a doubt, With Blower and Cheeks, the Trojans, Greeks, the greatest heroes out. THE © RANELAGH,” For Promoting the Health, Beauty, and Muscular Development of the HUMAN BODY. 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