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THE 
 
 DRAMATIC WORKS 
 
 OF THE CELEBRATED 
 
 MRS. CENTLIVRE, 
 
 WITH 
 
 A New Account of her Life. 
 
 Complete in Three Volumes. 
 
 Vol. III. 
 
 LONDON: 
 JOHN PEARSON, I 5, YORK ST., COVENT GARDEN. 
 1872, 
 
THE 
 
 WORKS 
 
 OF THE CELEBRATED 
 
 Mrs. CENTLIVRR 
 
 VOLUME THE THIRD. 
 
 CONTAINING, 
 
 The Wonder. 
 
 The Man Bewitch' d. 
 
 Gotham Election. 
 
 Wife well Managed. 
 
 Bickerstaff's Burial. 
 
 Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Artifice. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for J. Knapton, C. Hitch and L. Hawes, 
 J. and R. Tonson, S. Crowder, W. Bathoe, 
 T. LowNDS, T. Caslon, H. Woodgate and S. Brooks, 
 and G. Kearsly. 
 
 M.DCC.LX. 
 
8 ^ ^ 
 
 THE 
 
 WONDER: 
 
 A 
 
 WOMAN keeps a SECRET. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 As it is Acted at the 
 Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane. 
 By His Majesty's Servants. 
 
 A 2 
 
PROLOGUE 
 
 Spoken by Mr. Mills. 
 
 f)UR Author fears the Criticks of the Stage, 
 
 ^ Who, like Barbarians^ f pare nor Sex ^ nor Age ; 
 
 She tre?nbles at thofe Cenfors in the Pit, 
 
 Who think good Nature fhews a Want of Wit : 
 
 Such Malice, O / what Mtife can undergo it ? 
 
 To fave themfelves, they always damn the Poet, 
 
 Our Author flies fromfuch a partial Jury, 
 
 As wary Lovers from the Nymphs of Drury : 
 
 To the few candid Judges for a Senile, 
 
 She humbly fues to recompenfe her ToiL 
 
 To the bright Circle of the Fair,fJie next 
 
 Commits her Caufe, with anxious Doubts perplext. 
 
 Where can fite with fuch Hopes of Favour kneel. 
 
 As to thofe Judges, who her Frailties feel f 
 
 A few Miflakes, her Sex may well excufe, 
 
 And fuch a Plea, No Woman fhou^d refufe : 
 
 If /lie fucceeds, a Woman ^^z/;^^ Applaufe, 
 
 What Female but mufl favour fuch a Caufe ? 
 
 Her Faults, — whatever they are—e^enpafs ^em by 
 
 And only on her Beauties fix your Eye, 
 
 In Plays, like Veffels floating 07t the Sea, 
 
 There^s none fo wife to knozif their Defliny, 
 
 In this, however, the Pilot^s Skill appears, 
 
 While by the Stars his conflant Courfe he fleers : 
 
 Rightly our Author does her Judgment fhew. 
 
 That for her Safety fiie relies on Vou, 
 
 Your Approbation, Fair ones, canH but move, 
 
 Thofe ftubborn Hearts, which firft you taught to love : 
 
 The Men mufi all applaud this Play of Ours, 
 
 For who dares fee with other Eyes, than Yours, 
 
 Dra- 
 
Dramatis Perfonae, 
 
 MEN, 
 
 Don Lopez ^ a Grandee of For tu^aL 
 
 /• f liis Son, in Love ) 
 DonFehxi^ with } 
 
 Frederick, A Merchant. - - ■ 
 Don Pedro^ Father to Viol ante. 
 
 Col. Britton^ A Scotchman, - - - 
 
 Gibby^ His Footman. - - - 
 
 Li/fardoy Servant to Felix, - - 
 
 Mr. N orris » 
 
 Mr. Wilks, 
 
 Mr. Bickerjiaff, 
 Mr. Btdlock, Jun. 
 Mr. 
 
 Mr. Bullock^ Sen. 
 Mr. P^z^^. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Donna Violante^\^ 
 
 Donna I/abella, 
 
 Inis, 
 
 Flora. 
 
 ( Defigned for a Nun'j 
 by her Father, in s 
 
 Love with Felix, j 
 Sifter to Felix. - 
 Her Maid - - 
 Maid to Violante. 
 
 Mrs. Oldfield. 
 
 Mifs S ant low, 
 Mrs. C<?;r. 
 Mrs. Saunders.. 
 
 Alguazil, Attendants, Servants, &r*c. 
 
 SCENE, Lisbon. 
 
THE 
 
 WONDER. 
 
 Fred. 
 
 ACT I. SCENE I 
 
 Enter Don Lopez ?neeti?ig Frederick. 
 
 Y Lord Don Lopez, 
 Don Lop, How d^e Frederick ? 
 Fred. At your Lordfhip's Service, I am 
 glad to fee you look fo well my Lord, I 
 
 hope Antonio is out of danger. 
 
 D. Lop, Quite contrary ; his Fever increafes, they 
 tell me ; and the Surgeons are of Opinion his Wound is 
 mortal, 
 
 Fred, Your Son Don Felix isfafe I hope. 
 
 D, Lop. I hope fo too, but they offer large Rewards to 
 apprehend him. 
 
 Fred, When heard your Lordfhip from him ? 
 
 D. Lop. Not fmce he went ; I forbad him writing till the 
 publick News gave him an Account of Antonio^ s Health, 
 Letters might be intercepted, and the Place of his Abode 
 difcovered. 
 
 Fred. Your Caution was good, my Lord ; tho' I am im- 
 patient to hear from Felix^ yet his Safety is my chief Con- 
 cern. Fortune has malicioufly flruck a Bar between us in 
 A 4 the 
 
8 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 the Affairs of Life, but Ihe has done me the Honour to 
 unite our Souls. 
 
 D, Lop, I am not ignorant of the Friendfhip between my 
 Son and you. I have heard him commend your Morals, 
 and lament your want of noble Birth. 
 
 Fred, That's Nature's Fault, my Lord, 'tis fome Com- 
 fort not to owe one's Misfortunes to one's felf, yet 'tis im- 
 poffible not to regret the want of noble Birth. 
 
 D, Lop, 'Tis pity indeed fuch excellent Parts as you are 
 Mafler of, (hould be eclipfed by mean Extradlion. 
 
 Fred. Such Commendation wou'd make me vain, my 
 Lord, did you not cafl in the Allay of my Extra6lion. 
 
 D. Lop, There is no Condition of Life without its Cares, 
 and it is the Perfection of a Man to wear 'em as eafy as he 
 can ; this unfortunate Duel of my Son's does not pafs with- 
 out Impreffion. But fmce 'tis pafl Prevention, all my 
 Concern is now, how he may efcape the Punifhment ; il 
 Antonio dies, Felix fliall for England. You have been 
 there, what fort of People are the Englijk ? 
 
 Fred. My Lord, the Englijh are by Nature, what the 
 ancient Romans were by Difcipline, couragious, bold, har- 
 dy, and in love with Liberty. Liberty is the Idol of the 
 Engli/h, under whofe Banner all the Nation lifts ; give but 
 the Word for Liberty, and flraight more armed Legions 
 wou'd appear, than France, and Philip keep in conflant 
 Pay. 
 
 D. Lop. I like their Principles ; who does not wifh for 
 Freedom in all Degrees of Life ? The' common Prudence 
 fometimes makes us a(5l againfl it, as I am now oblig'd to 
 do, for I intend to marry my Daughter to Don Gtizman, 
 whom I expedl from Holland every Day, whither he went 
 to take Poffeffion of a large Eflate left him by his Uncle. 
 
 Fred. You will not fure facrifice the lovely Ifabella to 
 Age, Avarice, and a Fool ; pardon the Expreffion, my 
 Lord ; but my Concern for your beauteous Daughter 
 tranfports me beyond that good Manners which I ought 
 to pay your Lordfliip's Prefence. 
 
 D. Lop. I can't deny the Juflnefs of the Charadler, Fre- 
 derick ? but you are not infenfible what I havefufferedby 
 thefe Wars, and he has two things which render him very 
 agreeable to me for a Son-in-Law,he is rich and well born ; 
 as for his being a Fool, I don't conceive how that can be 
 
 any 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 9 
 
 any Blot in a Hufband, who is already poffefs'd of a good 
 Eflate. — A poor Fool indeed is a very fcandalous Thing, 
 and fo are your poor Wits, in my Opinion, who have no- 
 thing to be vain of, but the Infide of their Skulls : Now 
 for Don Guzman I know I can rule him, as I think fit ; 
 this is a6ling the politick Part, Frederick^ without which, 
 it is impoffible to keep up the Port of this Life. 
 
 Fred. But have you no Confideration for your Daugh- 
 ter's Welfare, my Lord ? 
 
 D. Lop. Is a Hufband of twenty thoufand Crowns a 
 Year, no Confideration ? Now I think it a very good 
 Confideration. 
 
 Fred. One way, my Lord. But what will the World 
 fay to fuch a Match ? 
 
 D. Lop. Sir, I value not the World a Button. 
 
 Fred. I cannot think your Daughter can have any Incli- 
 nation for fuch a Hufband. 
 
 D.Lop. There I believe you are pretty much in the 
 right, tho' it is a Secret which I never had the Curiofity 
 to enquire into, nor I believe ever fhalL— Inclination, 
 quotha ! Parents would have a fine Time on't if they con- 
 fulted their Childrens Inclinations ! Fli venture you a 
 W ager, that in all the garrifon Towns in Spai7t and Por- 
 tugal., during the late War, there were not three Women, 
 who have not had an Inclination to every Officer in the 
 whole Army ; does it therefore follow, that their Fathers 
 ought to pimp for them ? No, no, Sir, it is not a Fa- 
 ther's Bufinefs to follow his Childrens Inclinations till he 
 makes himfelf a Beggar. 
 
 Fred. But this is of another Nature, my Lord. 
 
 D. Lop. Look ye, Sir, I refolve fhe fliall marry Don 
 Guzman the Moment he arrives ; tho' I cou'd not govern 
 my Son, I will my Daughter, I affure you. 
 
 Fred. This Match, my Lord^ is more prepofierous than 
 that which you propofed to your Son, from whence arofe 
 this fatal Quarrel. — Don Antonio's Sifter, Elvira^ wanted 
 Beauty only, but Guzman every thing, but — 
 
 D. Lop. Money — and that will purchafe everything, and 
 fo Adieu. \JExit. 
 
 Fred. Monflrous ! Thefe are the Refolutions which de- 
 
 flroy the Comforts of Matrimony he is rich, and well 
 
 born, powerful Arguments indeed ! Could I but add them 
 A 5 to 
 
lO 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 to the Friendfhip of Don Felix, what might I not hope ? 
 But a Merchant, and a Grandee of Spain, are inconfiflent 
 Names — Liffardo / from whence came you ? 
 
 Enter Liffardo in a Riding Habit, 
 
 Liff, That Letter will inform you, Sir. 
 Fred. I hope your Mafler's fafe. 
 
 Lilf, I left him fo ; I have another to deliver which re- 
 quires hafle — Your mofl humble Servant, Sir. (bowing, 
 Fred, To Violante, I fuppofe. 
 
 Liff', The fame. [Exit, 
 Fred. {Reads) Dear Frederick, the two chief Bleffmgs 
 of this Life are a Friend, and a Miflrefs ; to be debarred 
 the Sight of tbofe is not to live. I hear nothing pf An- 
 tonio's Death, therefore refolve to venture to thy Houfe 
 this Evening, impatient to fee Violante, and embrace my 
 Friend. Yours, Felix. 
 
 Pray Heaven he comes undifcover'd. Ha ! Colonel 
 
 Britton, 
 
 Enter Colonel Britton in a Riding Habit, 
 
 Col, Frederick^ I rejoice to fee thee. 
 
 Fred. What brought you to Lifbon, Colonel ? 
 
 Col. La Fortune de la Guerre, as the French fay, I have 
 commanded thefe three laft Years in Spain, but my Coun- 
 try has thought fit to flrike up a Peace, and give us good 
 Protejlaiits leave to hope for Chriflian Burial, fo I refolve 
 to take Lifbon in my Way home. 
 
 F7'ed. If you are not provided of a Lodging, Colonel, 
 pray command my Houfe, while you flay. 
 
 Col, If I were fure I fhouldnot be troublefome, I wou'd 
 accept your Offer, Frede^'ick, 
 
 Fred. So far from Trouble, Colonel, I fhall take it as a 
 particular Favour ; what have we here ? 
 
 Col, My Footman, this is our Country Drefs, you mufl 
 know, which for the Honour of Scotland^ I make all my 
 Servants wear. 
 
 Enter Gibby i7i a Highland Drefs, 
 
 Gib, What mun I de with the Horfes, an like yer Ho- 
 nour, they will tack cold gin they fland in the Caufe- 
 way. 
 
 Fred. 
 
A Woman keeps S e c r e x . 1 1 
 
 Fred, Oh ! Fll take care of them, what hoa Va/qnes, 
 
 {Enter Vafquez. 
 
 put thofe Horfes which that honeft Fellow will fhow you 
 into my Stable, do you hear ? and feed them well, 
 
 Va/. Yes, Sir. — Sir, by my Mailer's Order, I am, Sir, 
 your mofl obfequious humble Servant, Be pleas'd to lead 
 the Way. [bowing, 
 
 Gib. S'bled gang yer gat, Sir, and I fall follow ye : Ife 
 tee hungry to feed on Compliments. {Exit. 
 
 Fred. Ha, ha, a comical Fellow. — Well, how do you 
 like our Country, Colonel ? 
 
 Col. Why Faith, Frederick^ a Man might pafs his 
 Time agreeable enough with-infide of a Nunnery, but to 
 behold fuch Troops of foft, plump, tender, melting, wifh- 
 ing, nay willing Girls too, thro' a damn'd Grate, gives 
 us Britons ftrong Temptation to plunder. Ah Frederick 
 your Priefls are wicked Rogues. They imm.ure Beauty for 
 their own proper Ufe, and (how it only to the Laity to 
 create Defires, and inflame Accompts, that they may pur- 
 chafe Pardons at a dearer Rate. 
 
 Fred. I own Wenching is fomething more difficult here 
 than in England ^^\iQx^ Womens Liberties are fubfervient 
 to their Inclinations, and Hufbands feem of no Effe^ibut 
 to take Care of the Children which their Wives provide. 
 
 Col. Anddoes Reflraintgetthe better of Inclination with 
 your Women here ? No, Pll be fworn not one even in 
 fourfcore. Don't I know the Conftitution of the Spa7tijh 
 Ladies ? 
 
 Fred. And of all Ladies where you come. Colonel, you 
 were ever a Man of Gallantry. 
 
 Col. Ah Frederick Kirk\i2\{ ftarves us Scotchmen. 
 We are kept fo fharp at home, that we feed like Cannibals 
 abroad. Hark ye, hafl thou never a pretty Acquaintance 
 now, that thou would'fl confign over to a Friend for half 
 an Hour, ha } 
 
 Fred. Faith, Colonel, I am the worfl Pimp in Chrif- 
 tendom, you had better trufl to your own Luck ! the Wo- 
 men will foon find you out, I warrant you. 
 
 Col. Ay, but it is dangerous foraging in an Enemy's 
 Country, and fince I have fome hopes of feeing my own 
 again, I had rather purchafe my Pleafure, than run the 
 Hazard of a Stilletto in my Guts. 'Egad, I think I mufl 
 A 6 e'en 
 
12 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 e'en marry, and facrifice my Body for the Good of my Soul 
 wilt thou recommend me to a Wife then, one that is wil- 
 ling to exchange her Moydores for E7iglijh Liberty ; ha 
 Friend ? 
 
 Fred, She mufl be veryhandfome, I fuppofe. 
 CoL The handfomer the better — but be fure ftie has a 
 Nofe. 
 
 Fred, Ay, ay, and fome Gold. 
 
 CoL Oh, very much Gold, I fhall never be able to fwal- 
 low the Matrimonial Pill, if it be not well gilded. 
 
 Fred. Puh, Beauty will make it Hide down nimbly. 
 
 CoL At firfl perhaps it may, but the fecond or third 
 
 Dofe will choak me 1 confefs Frederick^ Women are 
 
 the prettiefl Play-things in Nature ; but Gold, fubflantial 
 Gold, gives'em the Air, the Mien, the Shape, the Grace, 
 and Beauty of a Goddefs. 
 
 Fred. And has not Gold the fame Divinity in their 
 Eyes, Colonel? 
 
 CoL Too often. — Money is the very God of Marriage ; 
 the Poets drefs him in a Saffron Robe, by which they fi- 
 gure out the golden Deity, and his lighted Torch blazons 
 thofe mighty Charms, which encourage us to lift under 
 his Banner. 
 
 None marry now for Love, no, thafs a Jejl, 
 
 The felf faine Bargain, ferves for Wife, and Beafl, 
 
 Fred, You are always gay. Colonel ; come, fhall we 
 take a refrefhing Glafs at my Houfe, and confider what 
 has been faid ? 
 
 CoL I have two or three Compliments to difcharge for 
 fome Friends, and then I fhall wait on you with Pleafure : 
 Where do you live ? 
 
 Fred. At yon Corner Houfe with the green Rails. 
 
 CoL In the Clofe of the Evening I will endeavour to kifs 
 your Hand. Adieu. \Exit, 
 
 Fred. I fhall expe6l you with Impatience. \ExiL 
 
 Enter Ifabella and Inis her Maid. 
 
 Inis. For Goodnefs fake, Madam, where are you going 
 in this Pet ? 
 
 Ifab. Any where to avoid Matrimony ; the Thoughts of 
 a Hufband is as terrible to me as the Sight of a Hobgoblin. 
 
 Jnis. 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 13 
 
 Inis. Ay, of an old Hufband ; but if you may chufe for 
 yourfelf, I fancy Matrimony would be no fuch frightful 
 thing to you. 
 
 Ifab, You are pretty much in the right, Inis ; but to be 
 forced into the Arms of an Ideot, a fneaking, fnivling, 
 drivling, avaricious Fool, who has neither Perfon to pleafe 
 the Eye, Senfe to charm the Ear, nor Generofity to fup- 
 ply thofe Defedls. Ah, Im's / what pleafant Lives Wo- 
 men lead in England^ where Duty wears no Fetter but 
 Inclination : The Cuflom of our Country inflaves us from 
 our very Cradles, firfl to our Parents, next to our Huf- 
 bands ; and when Heaven is fo kind to rid us of both thefe, 
 our Brothers flill ufurp Authority, and expe6\ a blind 
 Obedience from us ; fo that MaiHs, Wives, or Widows, 
 we are little better than Slaves to the Tyrant Man ; there- 
 fore to avoid their Power, I refolve to cad myfelf into a 
 Monaflery. 
 
 Inis. That is, you'll cut your own Throat to avoid ano- 
 ther's doing it for you. Ah, Madam, thofe Eyes tell me 
 you have no Nun's Flefh about you ; a Monaflery, quotha ! 
 Where you'll wifh yourfelf in the Green-Sicknefs in a 
 Month. 
 
 Ifab. What care I, there will be no Man to plague me. 
 
 Inis. No, nor what's much worfe, to pleafe you nei- 
 ther — Ad'slife, Madam, you are the firfl Woman that e'er 
 
 defpair'd in a Chriflian Country Were I in your 
 
 Place 
 
 Ifab. Why, what would your Wifdom do if you were 
 Inis, I'd imbark with the firfl fair Wind with all my 
 
 Jewels, and feek my Fortune on t'other fide the Water ; 
 
 no Shore can treat you worfe than your ov/n ; there's ne'er 
 
 a Father in Chrijlendom fhould make me marry any Man 
 
 againfl: my Will. 
 
 Ifab. I am too great a Coward to follow your Advice. 
 
 I muft contrive fome way to avoid Don Guzmafi, and yet 
 
 flay in my own Country. 
 
 Enter Don Lopez. 
 
 Lop. Mufl you fo, Miflrefs 1 but I fliall take Care to 
 prevent you. {Afuie.) Ifabella, v/hitlier are you going, my 
 Child. 
 
 Ifab. Ha ! my Father ! to Church, Sir. 
 
 Inis. 
 
14 W O N D E R : 
 
 Inis. The old Rogue has certainly over-heard her. 
 
 Lop, Your Devotion mufl needs be very flrong, or your 
 Memory, very weak, my Dear ; why, Vefpers are over 
 for this Night ; come, come, you fhall have a better Er- 
 rand to Church than to fay your Prayers there. Don Guz- 
 man is arrived in the River, and I expecft him afhore To- 
 morrow. 
 
 I fab. Ha, To-morrow ! 
 
 Lop. He writes me Word, That his Eflate in Holland is 
 worth I2000 Crowns a Year, which, together with what 
 he had before, will make thee the happiefl Wife in Lifbon. 
 
 Ifab. And the moft unhappy Woman in the World. Oh 
 Sir ! If I have any Power in your Heart, if the Tendernefs 
 of a Father be not quite extindl, hear me with Patience. 
 
 Lop. No Obje6lion againfl the Marriage, and I will hear 
 whatever thou hafl to fay. 
 
 Ifab. That's torturing me on the Rack, and forbidding 
 me to groan ; upon my Knees I claim the Privilege of 
 Flefh and Blood. \fCneels. 
 
 Lop. I grant it, thou fhalt have an Arm full of Flefh and 
 Blood To-morrow ; Flefh and Blood, quotha ; Heaven 
 forbid I fhould deny thee Flefh and Blood, my Girl. 
 
 Inis. Here's an old Dog for you. \Afide. 
 
 Ifab. Do not Miflake, Sir ; the fatal Stroke which 
 feparates Soul and Body, is not more terrible to the 
 Thoughts of Sinners, than the Name of Guzman to my Ear. 
 
 Lop. Puh, Puh ; you lye, you lye. 
 
 Ifab. My frighted Heart beats hard againfl my Breafl, 
 as if it fought a Paffage to your Feet, to beg you'd change 
 your Purpofe. 
 
 Lop. A very pretty Speech this ; if it were turn'd into 
 blank Verfe, it would ferve for a T7'agedy ; why, thou hafl 
 
 more Wit than I thought thou hadfl. Child. 1 fancy 
 
 this was all extempore^ I don't believe thou did'fl ever 
 think of one Word on't before. 
 
 Inis. Yes, but fhe has, my Lord, for I have heard her 
 fay the fame Things a thoufand Times. 
 
 Lop. How, how t What do you top your fecond-hand 
 Jefls upon your Father, Huffy, who knows better what's 
 good for you than you do yourfelf ? remember 'tis your 
 Duty to obey. 
 
 Ifab. 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 15 
 
 Ifab, (Ri/ing) I never difobey'd before, and wifh I had 
 not Reafon now ; but Nature has got the better of my 
 Duty, and makes me loath the harfh Commands you lay. 
 
 Lop, Ha, ha, very fine ! Ha, ha. 
 
 I/ad, Death itfelf wou^d be more welcome. 
 
 Lop. Are you fure of that 1 
 
 I/ab. I am your Daughter, my Lord, and can boaft as 
 ftrong a Refolution as yourfelf ; Pll die before I'll marry 
 Guzman. 
 
 Lop. Say you fo Til try that prefently. {Draws.) 
 Here let me fee with what Dexterity you can breathe a 
 Vein now {offers her his Sword.) The Point is pretty fharp, 
 'twill do your Bufmefs I warrant you. 
 
 Inis. Blefs me, Sir, What do you mean to put a Sword 
 into the Hands of a defperate Woman ? 
 
 Lop. Defperate, ha, ha, ha, you fee how defperate fhe 
 is ; what art thou frighted little BellF ha ! 
 
 I/ab. I confefs I am flartled at your Morals, Sir. 
 
 Lop. Ay, ay. Child, thou hadft better take the Man, 
 he'll hurt thee the leaft of the two. 
 
 I/ab. I fhall take neither, Sir ; Death has many Doors, 
 and when I can live no longer with Pleafure, I fhall find 
 one to let him in at without your Aid. 
 
 Lop. Say'fl thou fo, my dear Bell ? Ods, Fm afraid thou 
 art a little Lunatick, Bell. I mufl take care of thee Child, 
 {takes hold 0/ her^ and pulls out 0/ his Pocket a Key) I 
 fhall make bold to fecure thee, my Dear : 111 fee if Locks 
 and Bars can keep thee till Guzman comes ; go, get you 
 into your Chamber. 
 
 There III your boa/led Re/olution try, 
 And /ee whoHl get the better, you or /. 
 
 {pu/hes her in, and locks the Door. 
 
 ACT 
 
i6 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE, a Room in Don Pedro's Houfe, 
 
 Enter Donna Violante reading a Letter^ and Flora 
 following. 
 
 Flora. '1 17 HAT mufl that Letter be read again? 
 
 V V Vio. Yes, and again, and again, and again, 
 a thoufand Times again ; a Letter from a faithful Lover 
 can ne'er be read too often ; it fpeaks fuch kind, fuch foft, 
 fuch tender Things [Kijfes it. 
 
 Flo, But always the fame Language. 
 
 Fio. It does not charm the lefs for that. 
 
 Flo. In my Opinion nothing charms that does not 
 change ; and any Compofition of the four and twenty Let- 
 ters, after the firfl Effay, from the fame Hand, mufl be 
 dull, except a Bank Note, or a Bill of Exchange. 
 
 Vio. Thy Tafle is my Averfion — {Reads) My all that's 
 charming, fince Life's not Life exil'd from thee, this Night 
 fhall bring me to thy Arms. Frederick and thee are all I 
 trufl : Thefe fix Weeks Abfence has been in Love's Ac- 
 compt fix hundred Years ; when it is dark, expedl the 
 wonted Signal at thy Window, till when, adieu, thine 
 more than his own. Felix. 
 
 Flo. Who wou'd not have faid as much to a Lady of 
 her Beauty, and twenty thoufand Pounds. — Were I a 
 Man, methinks I could have faid a hundred finer Things ; 
 I wou'd have compar'd your Eyes to the Stars, your Teeth 
 to Ivory, your Lips to Coral, your Neck to Alabafler, 
 your Shape to 
 
 Vio. No more of your Bombaft, Truth is the beft Elo- 
 quence in a Lover. — What Proof remains ungiven of his 
 Love ? When his Father threatned to difmherit him, for 
 refufmg Don Antonio'' s Sifter, from whence fprung this un- 
 happy Quarrel, did it ftiake his Love for me t And now, 
 tho' ftrict Enquiry runs thro' every Place, with large Re- 
 wards to apprehend him, does he not venture all for me.^ 
 
 Flo. But you know, Madam, your Father Don Pedro 
 
 defigns 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 
 
 17 
 
 defigns you for a Nun, and fays your Grandfather left you 
 your Fortune upon that Condition. 
 
 Vzo. Not without my Approbation, Girl, when I come 
 to one and Twenty, as I am informed. But however, I 
 (hall run the Rifk of that ; go call in LtJ/ardo. 
 
 Flo. Yes, Madam ; now for a Thoufand Verbal Quef- 
 tions. [Exit, and enter with Liffardo. 
 
 Vic. Well, and how do you do, Liffardo ? 
 
 Lijf. Ah, very weary. Madam — Faith thou look'fl won- 
 drous pretty, Flora. [A/cde to Flora. 
 
 Vio. How came you ? 
 
 Lijf. Fn Cavalier, Madam, upon a Hackney-Jade, 
 which they told me formerly belonged to an EngU/h Co- 
 lonel. But I fhould have rather thought fhe had been 
 bred a good Roman Catholick all her Life-time ; for fhe 
 down on her Knees to every Stock and Stone we came 
 along by. My Chaps waters for a Kifs, they do, Flora. 
 
 \A fide to Flora. 
 
 Flo. You'd make one believe you are wondrous fond, 
 now. 
 
 Vio. Where did you leave your M after. 
 
 Lijf. Od, if I had you alone Houfe-Wife, Td fhow you 
 
 how fond I cou'd be {Afide to Flora) at a little Farm- 
 
 Houfe, Madam, about five Miles off; he'll be at Don 
 
 Frederic!^ s in the Evening Od, I will fo revenge my- 
 
 felf of thofe Lips of thine. \to Flora. 
 
 Vio. Is he in Health 1 
 
 Flo. Oh, you counterfeit wondrous well. \to Liff. 
 
 Lig'. No, every Body knows I counterfeit very ill. 
 
 \to Flora. 
 
 Vio, How fay you ? Is Felix'"^ ? What's his Diflemper 
 Ha! 
 
 Liff. A pies on't, I hate to be interrupted Love, 
 
 Madam, Love In fhort, Madam, I believe he has 
 
 thought of nothing but your Ladyfhip ever fince he left 
 Lifbon. I am fure he cou'd not, if I may judge of his 
 Heart by my own. \Looking lovingly upon Flora. 
 
 Vio. How came you fo well acquainted with your 
 Mafter's Thoughts, Liffardo ? 
 
 Liff. By an infallible Rule, Madam ; Words are the 
 Pidlures of the Mind, you know ; now to prove he thinks 
 of nothing but you, he talks of nothing but you for 
 
 " VOL. III. Example, 
 
i8 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Example, Madam, coming from (hooting t'other Day, 
 with a Brace of Partridges, Liffardo^ faid he, go bid the 
 
 Cook roafl me these Violanie^s 1 flew into the Kitchin, 
 
 full of Thoughts of thee, cry'd, here Cook, roafl me thfe 
 Florella^s, \to Flora. 
 
 Flo. Ha, ha, excellent You mimick your Mafler 
 
 then it feems. 
 
 Liff. I can do every Thing as well as my Mafler, you 
 little Rogue : — Another Time, Madam, the Priefl came 
 to make him a Vifit, he calFd out haflily, LtJ/'ardo, faid 
 
 he, bring a Violante for my Father to fit down on ; 
 
 then he often miftook my Name, Madam, and calM me 
 Violante ; in fliort, I heard it fo often, that it became as 
 familiar to me as my Prayers. 
 
 Vio, You liv'd very merrily then it feems. 
 
 Liff, Oh, exceeding merry, Madam. {Kijffes Flora' 
 
 Hand. 
 
 Vio. Ha ! exceeding merry ; had you Treats and Balls ? 
 
 Lijf. Oh ! Yes, yes, Madam, feveral. 
 
 Flo, You are mad, Liffardo^ you don't mind what my 
 Lady fays to you. {Afide to Liffardo. 
 
 Vio. Ha ! Balls Is he fo merry in my Abfence 1 
 
 And did your Mafler dance, Lijfardo ? 
 
 Liff. Dance Madam ! Where Madam ? 
 
 Vio. Why, at thofe Balls you fpeak of. 
 
 Liff. Balls ! What Balls Madam.? 
 
 Vio. Why, fure you are in Love, Liffardo ; did not you 
 fay, but now, you had Balls where you have been ? 
 
 Liff, Balls, Madam ! Od'slife, I afk your Pardon, Ma- 
 dam ! I, I, I, had miflaid fome Wafh-Balls of my Mafler's 
 t'other day ; and becaufe I could not think where I had 
 laid them, jufl when he afk'd for them, he very fairly broke 
 my Head, Madam, and now it feems I can think of no- 
 thing elfe. Alas ! He dance, Madam ! No, no, poor 
 Gentleman, he is as melancholy as an unbrac'd Drum. 
 
 Vio, Poor Felix ! There, wear that Ring for your Maf- 
 ter's Sake, and let him know, I fliall be ready to receive 
 him. \Fxit Vio. 
 
 Liff, I fhall Madam — {puts on the Ring) methinks a 
 Diamond Ring is a vaft Addition to the little Finger of a 
 Gentleman. {admiring his Hand, 
 
 Flo. That Ring muft be mine ^^iX Liffardo! What 
 
 HaOe 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 19 
 
 Hafle you make to pay off Arrears now ? Look how the 
 Fellow (lands ! 
 
 Lijf, Egad, methinks I have a very pretty Hand 
 
 and very white and the Shape ! Faith, I never 
 
 minded it fo much before ! In my Opinion it is a very 
 
 fine fhap'd Hand and becomes a Diamond Ring, as 
 
 well as the firft Grandee's in Portugal. 
 
 Flo, The Man's tranfported ! Is this your Love ! This 
 your Impatience ! 
 
 Lilf, {Takes Snuff) Now in my Mind 1 take Snuff 
 
 with a very Jantee Air Well, I am perfuaded I want 
 
 nothing but a Coach, and a Title, to make me a very fine 
 Gentleman. {Struts about, 
 
 Flo, Sweet Mr. Liffardo^ {curtefying) if I may prefume 
 
 to fpeak to you, without affronting your little Finger. 
 
 Liff, Odfo Madam, I afk your Pardon Is it to me, 
 
 or to the Ring you diredl your Difcourfe, Madam? 
 
 Flo, Madam ! Good lack ! How much a Diamond 
 Ring improves one ! 
 
 Liff, Why, tho' I say it 1 can carry myself as well 
 
 as any Body But what wer't thou going to fay Child ? 
 
 Flor, Why I was going to fay, that I fancy you had 
 befl let me keep that Ring ; it will be a very pretty Wed- 
 ding-Ring, Liffardo^ would it not } 
 
 Liff, Humph ! Ah ! But but but 1 believe 
 
 I (han't marry yet a while. 
 
 Flo, You fhan't you fay Very well ! I suppofe you 
 
 defign that Ring for Inis. 
 
 Liff, No, no, I never bribe an old Acquaintance 
 
 Perhaps I might let it fparkle in the Eyes of a Stranger a 
 little, till we come to a right Underflanding — But then 
 like all other mortal Things, it would return from whence 
 it came. 
 
 Flor, Infolent Is that your Manner of dealing 1 
 
 Liff, With all but thee Kifs me, you little Rogue 
 
 you. SJ^'^SS^^^S 
 
 Flor. Little Rogue! Prithee Fellow, don't be fo familiar, 
 (puffiing him away) if I mayn't keep your Ring, I can 
 keep my Kiffes. 
 
 Liff, You can, you fay ! Spoke with the Air of a Cham- 
 ber-maid. 
 
 Flor. Reply 'd with the Spirit of a ferving Man. 
 
 Li/r^ 
 
20 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 Liff, Prithee, Flora, don't let you and I fall out, I am 
 in a merry Humour, and (hall certainly fall in fomewhere. 
 Flor. What care I, where you fall in. 
 
 Enter Violante. 
 
 Via, Why do you keep Liffardo fo long, Flora ? When 
 you don't know how foon my Father may awake, his Af- 
 ternoon Naps are never long. 
 
 Flor. Had Don Felix been with her, (he wou'd not 
 have thought the Time long ; thefe Ladies confider no 
 Body's Wants but their own. \Afide. 
 
 Vio. Go, go, let him out, and bring a Candle. 
 
 LiJ/'. I fly, Madam. [Exit Liff. and Flora. 
 
 Vio. The Day draws in, and Night, the Lover's 
 
 Friend advances Night more welcome than the Sun 
 
 to me, becaufe it brings my Love. 
 
 Flor. {Shrieks within) Ah Thieves, Thieves ! Mur- 
 der, Murder ! 
 
 Vio. {Shrieks) Ah I defend me Heaven! What do I 
 hear Felix is certainly purfu'd, and will be taken. 
 
 Enter Flora running. 
 
 Vio. How now ! Why dofl flare fo Anfwer me quick- 
 ly ! What's the Matter 1 
 
 Flo. Oh Madam ! as I was letting out Lijfardo, a Gen- 
 tleman ruftied between him and I, flruck down my Can- 
 dle, and is bringing a dead Perfon in his Arms into our 
 Houfe. 
 
 Vio. Ha ! a dead Perfon ! Heaven grant it do's not 
 prove my Felix. 
 
 Flor, Here they are, Madam. 
 
 Enter Colonel with Ifabella in his Arms, 
 
 Vio. I'll retire till you difcoverthe Meaning of the Ac- 
 cident. {Exit. 
 
 Col. {Sets Ifabella down i7i the Chair ^ and addrejfes 
 himfelfto Flora.) 
 
 Madam. The Neceffity this Lady was under, of being 
 convey'd into fome Houfe with Speed and Secrecy, will I 
 hope excufe any Indecency I might be guilty of, in pref- 
 
 fmg fo rudely into this 1 am an entire Stranger to her 
 
 Name 
 
A Woman keeps Secret. 21 
 
 Name and Circumftances ; wou'd I were fo to her Beauty 
 too. {A/ide) I commit her Madam, to your Care, and 
 fly to make her Retreat fecure, if the Streets be clear ; 
 permit me to return and learn from her own Mouth, if I 
 can be farther ferviceable ; pray Madam, how is the Lady 
 of this Houfe calFd ? 
 
 Flor. Violante, Senior He is a handfome Cavalier, 
 
 and promifes well. \Afide. 
 
 CoL Are you fhe, Madam ? 
 
 Flor. Only her Woman, Senior. 
 
 Col. Your humble Servant. Mrs. Pray be careful of the 
 Lady {gives her two Moydores.) [Exit Col. 
 
 Flor. Two Moydores ! Well he is a generous Fellow. 
 This is the only Way to make one careful ; I find all Coun- 
 tries underfland the Conflitution of a Chamber-maid. 
 
 Enter Violante. 
 
 Vio. Was you diflradled Flora ? To tell my Name to a 
 Man you never faw ! Unthinking Wench ! Who knows 
 what this may turn to — What is the Lady dead ! Ah! de- 
 fend me Heaven, 'tis I/abella, Sifler to my Felix, what 
 
 has befaFn her ? Pray Heaven he's fafe Run and fetch 
 
 fome cold Water, {Exit Flora, and enters with Water) 
 I/abella, Friend, fpeak to me. Oh ! fpeak to me, or I 
 fhall die with Apprehenfion. 
 
 Flor. See, fhe revives. 
 
 I/ab. Oh ! hold my dearefl Father, do not force me, 
 indeed I cannot love him. 
 
 Vio. How wild ihe talks. 
 
 I fab. Ha ! where am I ? 
 
 Vio. With one as fenfible of thy Pain as thou thyfelf 
 canfl be. 
 
 I/ab. Violante ! What kind Star preferv'd, and lodged 
 me here ? 
 
 Flor. It was a Terreflrial Star calFd a Man, Mad,am ; 
 pray Jupiter he proves a lucky one. 
 
 I/ab. Oh ! I remember now, forgive me dear Violante, 
 my Thoughts ran fo much upon the Danger I efcap'd, I 
 had forgot. 
 
 Vio. May I not know your Story? 
 
 Ifab. Thou art no Stranger to one part of it ; I have 
 often told thee that my Father defign'd to facrifice me to 
 
 the 
 
22 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 the arms of Don Guzman^ who it feems is jufl returned 
 from Holland^ and expe(fted afhore to-morrow, the Day 
 that he has fet to celebrate our Nuptials ; upon my refu- 
 fmg to obey him, he locked me into my Chamber, vow- 
 ing to keep me there till he arrived, and force me to con- 
 fent. I know my Father to be pofitive, never to be won 
 from his Defign ; and having no hope left me, to efcape 
 the Marriage, I leap'd from the Window, into the Street. 
 Vio, You have not hurt yourfelf I hope. 
 I fab. No, a Gentleman paffmg by, by Accident caught 
 me in his Arms ; at firfl my Fright made me appre- 
 hend it was my Father, till he affur'd me to the con- 
 trary. 
 
 Flor. He is a very fine Gentleman I promife you, Ma- 
 dam, and a well bred Man I warrant him. I think I 
 never faw a Grandee put his Hand into his Pocket with a 
 better Air in my whole Life Time ; then he open'd his 
 Purfe with fuch a Grace, that nothing but his Manner of 
 prefenting me the Gold could equal. 
 
 Vio. There is but one common Road to the Heart of a 
 Servant, and 'tis impoffible for a generous Perfon to mif- 
 take it. — But how came you hither Ifabella f 
 
 Ifab, I know not, I defir'd the Stranger to convey me 
 to the next Monq/iery^ but e'er I reached thy Door, I faw, 
 or fancy'd that I faw, Lijfardo, my Brother's Man, and 
 the Thought that his Mafler might not be far off, flung 
 me into a Swoon, which is all that I remember: Ha! 
 What's here {takes up a Letter) For Colonel Britton^ to be 
 left at the Pofi-Houfe in Lif bon ; this mufl be drop'd by 
 the Stranger which brought me hither. 
 
 Via. Thou art fallen into the Hands of a Soldier, take 
 care he does not lay thee under Contribution, Girl. 
 
 Ifab. I find he is a Gentleman ; and if he be but un- 
 married I cou'd be content to follow him all the World 
 over. — But I (hall never fee him more I fear. {Sighs and 
 
 Paufes.) 
 
 Vio, What makes you figh, Ifabella ? 
 Ifab, The fear of falling into my Father's Clutches 
 again. 
 
 Vio, Can I be ferviceable to you ? 
 
 Ifab, Yes, if you'll conceal me two or three Days. 
 
 Vio, You command my Houfe and Secrecy. 
 
 Ifab' 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 23 
 
 J/ab, 1 thank you Violante, — I wifh you wou'd oblige 
 me with Mrs. Flora a while. 
 
 Vio. ril fend for her to you — I mufl watch if Dad be 
 ftill afleep, or here will be no room for Felix. [Exll. 
 
 Ifab, Well, I don't know what ails me, but methinks I 
 wifh I cou'd find this Stranger out. 
 
 Enter Flora. 
 
 Flor, Does your Ladyfhip want me, Madam ? 
 Ifab, Ay, Mrs. Flora, I refolve to make you my Con- 
 fident. 
 
 Flor, I fhall endeavour to difcharge my Duty, Madam, 
 Ifab. I doubt it not, and defire you to accept this as a 
 
 Token of my Gratitude. 
 
 Flora. O dear Senjora, I fhou'd have been yoyr humble 
 
 Servant, without a Fee. 
 
 • I sab. I beheve it— But to the Purpofe — Do you think 
 if you faw the Gentleman which brought me hither, you 
 fliou'd know him again ? 
 
 Flor. From a Thoufand, Madam, I have an excellent 
 Memory where a handfome Man's concerned ; when he 
 went away he faid he would return again immediately, I 
 admire he comes not. 
 
 Ifab. Here, did you fay ? You rejoice me — Tho' Til 
 not fee him, if he comes, cou'd not you contrive to give 
 him a Letter ? 
 
 Flor. With the Air of a Duenna. — 
 
 Ifab. Not in this Houfe — You mufl veil and follow him 
 — fie mufl not know it comes from me. 
 
 Flor. What do you take me for a Novice in Love 
 Affairs ? Tho' I have not pradlis'd the Art fince I have 
 been in Donna Vzolante's Service, yet I have not lofl the 
 Theory of a Chamber-maid — Do you write the Letter, and 
 leave the refl to me — Here,here,here's Pen, Inkand Paper. 
 
 Ifab. I'll do't in a Minute. [Sits down to write. 
 
 Flor. So ! This is Bufinefs after my own Heart ; Love 
 always takes care to reward his Labourers, and Great 
 Britain feems to be his Favourite Country — Oh, I long 
 to fee the t'other two Moydores with a Britifh Air — Me- 
 thinks there's a Grace peculiar to that Nation in making 
 a Prefent. 
 
 Ifab. 
 
24 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 Ifab. So I have done, now if he does but find this 
 Houfe again ! 
 
 Flor, If he fhou'd not— I warrant I'll find him if he's 
 in Lif bon, \Puts the Letter into her Bofom. 
 
 Enter Violante. 
 
 Vio, Flordy watch my Papa ; he's fafl afleep in his 
 Study — If you find him flir, give me Notice. — Hark, I 
 hear Felix at the Window, admit him inflantly, and then 
 to your Pofl. \^Exit Flora, 
 
 Ifab, What fay you Violante f Is my Brother come ? 
 
 Vio, It is his Signal at the Window. 
 
 Ifab, ( Kneels^ Oh ! Violante^ I conjure thee by all the 
 love thou bear'ft to Felix — By thy own generous Nature 
 — Nay more, by that unfpotted Vertue thou art Miftrefs 
 ot, do not difcover to my Brother I am here. 
 
 Vio, Contrary to your Defire, be affur'd I never (hall, 
 but where's the Danger ? 
 
 Ifab. Art thou born in Lifbon, and afk that Queftion ? 
 Hell think his Honour blemilh'd by my Difobedience, 
 and wou'd reflore me to my Father, or kill me, therefore 
 dear, dear Girl. 
 
 Vio. Depend upon my Friendlhip, nothing fhall draw 
 thy Secret from thefe Lips, not even Felix, tho' at the 
 Hazard of his Love ; I hear him coming, retire into that 
 Clofet. 
 
 Ifab, Remember Violante, upon thy Promife my very 
 Life depends. 
 
 Vio, When I betray thee, may I fliare thy Fate. 
 
 Enter Flora with Felix. 
 Vio. My Felix, My everlafling Love. \runs into his 
 
 Arms, 
 
 Fel. My Life, my Soul ! My Violante I 
 
 Vio, What Hazards dofl thou run for me ; Oh, how 
 fliall I requite thee 
 
 Fel. If during this tedious painful Exile, thy Thoughts 
 have never wandered from thy Felix, thou hafl made me 
 more than Satisfadlion. 
 
 Vio. Can there be room within this Heart for any but 
 thyfelf. No, if the God of Love were lofl to all the reft 
 of Human Kind, thy Image wou'd fecure him in my 
 
 Breaft, 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 25 
 
 Bread, I am all Truth, all Love, all Faith, and know no 
 jealous Fears. 
 
 FeL My Heart's the proper Sphere where Love refides \ 
 cou'd he quit that he wou'd be no where found : And yet 
 Violante Pm in doubt. 
 
 Vio. Did I ever give thee Caufe to doubt, my Felix, 
 
 FeL True Love has many Fears, and Fear as many Eyes 
 
 as Fame ; yet fure I think they fee no Fault in thee 
 
 What's that 1 [the Colonel pats at the Window without, 
 
 Vio, What 1 I heard nothing. \He pats again, 
 
 FeL Ha ! What means this Signal at your Window ? 
 
 Vio, Some Body perhaps, in paffing by, might acciden- 
 tally hit it, it can be nothing elfe. 
 
 Col, (Within) Hifl, Donna Violante, Do7ina Vio- 
 lante, 
 
 Fel. They ufe your Name by Accident too, do they, 
 Madam 1 [Enter Flora. 
 
 • Flo, There is a Gentleman at the Window, Madam, 
 which I fancy to be him who brought Ifabella hither ; 
 (hail I admit him ? [Afide to Violante. 
 
 Vio, Admit Diftradlion rather, thou art the Caufe of 
 this, unthinking Wretch ! [Afide to Flora, 
 
 Fel, What has Miflress Scout brought you frefh Intelli- 
 gence } Death, Til know the Bottom of this immediately ! 
 
 [offers to go, 
 
 Flor, Scout ^ I fcorn your Words, Senior, 
 
 Vio, Nay, nay, nay, nay, you mufl not leave me. 
 
 [runs and catches hold of him. 
 
 FeL Oh ! 'Tis not fair, not to anfwer the Gentleman, 
 Madam. It is none of his Fault, that his Vifit proves un- 
 feafonable ; pray let me go, my Prefence is but a Reflraint 
 upon you. [ff^^gglcs to get from her, 
 
 [The Colonel pats again, 
 
 Vio, Was ever Accident fo mifchievous ? [Aside, 
 
 Flor, It mufl be the Colonel, now to deliver my Letter 
 to him. [Exit, 
 
 FeL Hark, he grows impatient at your Delay — Why 
 do you hold the Man, whofe Abfence wou'd oblige you, 
 pray let me go. Madam ; confider, the Gentleman wants 
 you at the Window. Confufion ! [flruggles flilL 
 
 Vio, It is not me he wants. 
 
 FeL Death, not you ? Is there another of your Name in 
 B the 
 
26 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 the Houfe ? But, come on, convince me of the Truth of 
 what you fay : Open the Window, if his Bulinefs does 
 
 not lye with you, your Converfation may be heard 
 
 This, and only this, can take off my Sufpicion — What 
 do you paufe ! Oh ! Guilt ! Guilt ! Have I caught you, 
 nay then Til leap the Balcony. If I remember, this Way 
 leads to it. [breaks from her, and goes to the Door where 
 
 Ifabella is^ 
 
 Vio. Oh Heavens ! Whall fhall I do now ? Hold, hold, 
 
 hold, hold, not for the World You enter there 
 
 Which way lhall I preferve his Sifter from his Knowledge ? 
 
 \_Afide. 
 
 Fel. What have I touched you ; do you fear your Lo- 
 ver's Life? 
 
 Vio. I fear for none but you for Goodnefs Sake, do 
 
 not fpeak fo loud my Felix. If my Father hear you I am 
 lofl for ever, that Door opens into his Apartment, What 
 fhali I do if he enters ? There he finds his Sifter — If he 
 
 goes out he'll quarrel with the Stranger Nay, do not 
 
 ilruggle to be gone, my Felix. If I open the Window 
 
 he may difcover the whole Intrigue, and yet of all Evils 
 we ought to chufe the leaft. Your Curiofity lhall be fatis- 
 fied. Whoe'er you are that with fuch Infolence dare ufe 
 my Name, and give the Neighbourhood Pretence to re- 
 fle6l upon my Condu6l : I charge you inftantly be gone, 
 or expecfl the Treatment you deferve. [goes to the Window, 
 
 and throws up the Sajh. 
 
 CoL I afk your Pardon, Madam, and will obey ; but 
 when I left this Houfe to Night. 
 
 Fel. Good ! 
 
 Vio. It is moft certainly the Stranger, what will be the 
 Event of this, Heaven knows. {Afide.) you are miftaken 
 in the Houfe I fuppofe, Sir. 
 
 Fel. No, no, he is not miftaken Pray Madam let 
 
 the Gentleman go on. 
 
 Vio. Wretched Misfortune, pray be gone Sir, I know 
 of no Bufinefs you have here. 
 
 Col. I wifh I did not know it neither But this Houfe 
 
 contains my Soul, then can you blame my Body for ho- 
 vering about it ! 
 
 Fel. Excellent ! 
 
 Vio. Diftradlion ! He will infallibly difcover Ifabella. 
 
 I tell 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 27 
 
 I tell you again you are miflaken ; however, for your own 
 SatisfacTlion, call To-morrow. 
 
 FeL Matchlefs Impudence ! An Affignation before my 
 
 Face No, he fhall not live to meet your Wifhes. 
 
 [Takes out a Pijlol and goes towards the Window ; Jhe 
 
 catches hold of him. 
 
 Vzo, Ah ! {Shrieks) hold I conjure you. 
 
 Col, To-morrow's an Age, Madam ! May I not be ad- 
 mitted to Night 1 
 
 Vio, If you be a Gentleman, I command your Ab fence. 
 Unfortunate ! What will my Stars do with me ? [A/ide, 
 
 Col, I have done — Only this — Be careful of my Life, 
 for it is in your keeping. [Exit from the Window, 
 
 Fel, Pray obferve the Gentleman's Requefl, Madam. 
 
 [ Walking offfroin her, 
 
 Vio, I am all Confufion. \Afide, 
 . Fel, You are all Truth, all Love, all Faith ; Oh ! thou 
 
 all Woman ! How have I been deceived ! S'Death, 
 
 cou'd not you have impos'd upon me for this one Night? 
 Cou'd neither my faithful Love, nor the Hazard I have 
 run to fee you, make me worthy to be cheated on 
 
 Vio, Can I bear this from you 1 [ Weeps. 
 
 Fel, {Repeats) When I left this Houfe to Night to 
 
 Night the Devil ! Return fo foon. 
 
 Vio, Oh Ifabella ! What haft thou involved me in ! 
 
 [Afede, 
 
 Fel, {Repeats) This Houfe contains my Soul. 
 
 Vio, Yet I refolve to keep the Secret. [Afide, 
 
 Fel, {Repeats) Be careful of my Life, for 'tis in your 
 
 keeping Damnation ! How ugly fhe appears ? 
 
 [Looking on her, 
 
 Vio, Do not look fo fternly on me, but believe me, Fe- 
 lix., I have not injur'd you, nor am I falfe. 
 
 Fel, Not falfe, not injur'd me ! O Violante, loft and a- 
 bandon'd to thy Vice ! Not falfe. Oh monftrous ! 
 
 Vio, Indeed I am not — There is a Caufe which I muft 
 not reveal — Oh think how far Honour can oblige your 
 
 Sex Then allow a Woman may be bound by the fame 
 
 Rule to keep a Secret. 
 
 Fel. Honour, what haft thou to do with Honour, thou 
 that canft admit plurality of Lovers, a Secret .'^ Ha, ha, 
 ha, his Affairs are wondrous fafe, who trufts his Secret to 
 B 2 a Wo- 
 
28 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 a Woman's keeping, but you need give yourfelf no Trou- 
 ble about clearing this Point, Madam, for you are become 
 fo indfferent to me, that your Truth, and Falfhood are 
 the same ? 
 
 Vio, My Love ! {Offers to take his Hand, 
 
 FeL My Torment ! {Turns from her. 
 
 Enter Flora. 
 
 Flo, So I have delivered my Letter to the Colonel, and 
 received my Fee. {A/ide) Madam, your Father bad me fee 
 what Noife that was — For Goodnefs fake, Sir, why do 
 you fpeak fo loud. 
 
 Fel. I underfland my cue, Mfltrefs, my Abfence is ne- 
 ceffary. Fll oblige you. {going) {takes hold of htm, 
 
 Vio, Oh, let me undeceive you firfl ! 
 
 Felj Impoffible ! 
 
 Vio, 'Tis very probable if I durfl. 
 
 Fel, Durfl ! Ha, ha, ha, durfl quotha. 
 
 Vio, But another Time Fll tell the all. 
 
 Fel, Nay, now or never. 
 
 Vio, Now it cannot be, 
 
 Fel, Then it fhall never be — Thou mofl ungrateful of 
 thy Sex, farewel. {Breaks from her and Exit, 
 
 Vio, Oh exquifite Tryal of my Friendfhip ! Yet not 
 even this, fhall draw the Secret from me, 
 
 That Fll preferve^ let Fortune frown, or fmile, 
 And trufi to Love, my Love to reconcile, {Exit, 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Enter Don Lopez. 
 
 WAS ever Man thus plagu'd ! Odfheart, I cou'd 
 fwallow my Dagger for Madnefs ; I know 
 not what to think, fure Frederick had no Hand in her Ef- 
 cape — She mufl get out of the Window ; and fhe could 
 not do that without a Ladder ; and who cou'd bring it her, 
 but him? Ay, it mud be fo. The Diflike he fhew'd to 
 
 Don 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 29 
 
 Don Guzman in our Difcourfe to Day,confirms my Sufpicion, 
 and I will charge him home with it ; fure Children were 
 given me for a Curfe ! Why, what innumerable Misfor- 
 tunes attend us Parents, when we have employed our whole 
 Care to educate, and bring our Children up to Years of 
 Maturity ? Jufl when we expe6l to reap the Fruits of our 
 Labour ; a Man fhall in the tinkling of a Bell, fee one 
 
 hang'd, and t'other whor'd. This gracelefs Baggage 
 
 But ril to Frederick immediately. Til take the Al- 
 
 guazil with me, and fearch his Houfe ; and if I find her, 
 
 ril ufe her by St. Anthony^ I don't know how Til 
 
 ufe her. {^Exit. 
 The Scene changes to the Street, 
 
 Enter Colonel with Ifabella's Letter in his Hand, and 
 Gibby following. 
 
 Col. Well, tho' I cou'd not fee my fair Incognita, For- 
 tune, to make me amends, has flung another Intrigue in 
 my way. Oh ! How I love thefe pretty, kind, coming 
 Females, that won't give a Man the Trouble of wracking 
 
 his Invention to deceive them. Oh Portugal/ Thou 
 
 dear Garden of Pleafure Where Love drops down his 
 
 mellow Fruit, and every Bough bends to our Hands, and 
 feems to cry come, Pull and Eat, how delicioully a Man 
 lives here without Fear of the Stool of Repentance ? — 
 This Letter I received from a Lady in a Veil — Some Du- 
 inna / Some neceffary Implement of Cupid? I fuppofe the 
 Stile is frank and eafy, I hope like her that writ it. 
 
 (Reads) " Sir, I have feen your Perfon, and like it. 
 
 Very concife — " And if you'll meet me at five o'Clock in 
 " the Morning upon the Terriero de pajfa, half an Hours 
 
 " Converfation will let me into your Mind." Ha, ha, 
 
 ha, a philofophical Wench : This is the firjl Time I ever 
 knew a Woman had any Bufuzefs with the Mind of a Man, 
 " If your Intelledis answer your outward Appearance, the 
 " Adventure may not difpleafe you. I expe6l you'll not 
 " attempt to fee my Face, nor offer any thing unbecom- 
 "ing the Gentleman I take you for:" — Humph, the 
 Gentleman fhe takes me for ; I hope fhe takes me to be 
 Flesh and Blood, and then I am sure I shall do nothing 
 unbecoming a Gentleman. Well, if I mufl not fee her 
 B 3 Face, 
 
30 W p N D E R : 
 
 Face, it fhall go hard if I don^t know where flie lives. 
 
 Gib by. 
 
 Gib. Here, an likyer Honour. 
 
 Col. Follow me at a good Diftance, do you hear, 
 Gibby ? 
 
 Gib. In truth dee I, weel eneugh, Sir. 
 
 Col. I am to meet a Lady upon the Terreira de paffa. 
 
 Gib. The Deel an mine Eye gin I kenn her. Sir. 
 
 Col. But you will when we come there, Sirrah. 
 
 Gib. Like eneugh, Sir ; I have as fharp and Eyn tul a 
 bony Lafs, as ere a Lad in aw Scotland ; and what mun I 
 dee wi her, Sir ? 
 
 Col. Why, if fhe and I part, you mufl watch her home, 
 and bring me Word where fhe lives. 
 
 Gib. In troth fal I, Sir, gin the Deel tak her not. 
 
 Col. Come along then, 'tis pretty near the Time. 1 
 
 like a Woman that rifes early to purfue her Inclination. 
 
 Thtts we improve the Pleafures of the Day, 
 
 Whilji tajilefs Mortals Jleep their Time away. [Exit. 
 
 Scene changes to Frederick's Houfe, 
 
 Enter Inis and Liffsirdo. 
 
 Lijr. Your Lady ran away, and you not know whither ? 
 Say you ? 
 
 Inis. She never greatly car'd for me after finding you 
 and I together ; but you are very grave, methinks, Lt/- 
 fardo. 
 
 Lijf. {Looking upon the Ring) Not at all — I have fome 
 Thoughts indeed of altering my Courfe of living ; there 
 is a critical Minute in every Man's Life, which, if he can 
 but lay hold of, he may make his Fortune. 
 
 Inis. Ha ! What, do I fee a Diamond Ring ! Where 
 the Deuce had he that Ring 1 You have got a very pretty 
 Ring there, Liffardo. 
 
 Liff'. Ay, the Trifle is pretty enough But the Lady 
 
 which gave it me is a Bona Roba in Beauty, I affure you 
 
 \Cocks his Hat and Jlruts. 
 
 Inis. I can't bear this The Lady ! What Lady, 
 
 pray ? 
 
 Lilf. Oh fy ! There's a Queflion to afk a Gentleman. 
 
 Inis. 
 
A Woman keeps Secret. 31 
 
 Inis, A Gentleman ! Why, the Fellow^s fpoil'd ! is this 
 your Love for me ? Ungrateful Man, you'll break my 
 Heart, fo you will. \BurJis into Tears, 
 
 Li/f, You tender-hearted Fool. 
 
 Inis, If I knew who gave you that Ring, Pd tear her 
 Eyes out, fo I wou'd. [Sobs. 
 
 Lijf. So, now the Jade wants a little Coaxing ; why, 
 what dofl thou weep for now, my Dear ? Ha ! 
 
 Inis, I fuppofe Flora gave you that Ring ; but Fll — 
 
 Liff, No, the Devil take me if fhe did, you make me 
 
 fwear now So, they ai e All for the Ring, but I fhall 
 
 bob 'em : I did but joke, the Ring is none of mine, it 
 is my Mafler's ; I am to give it to be new fet, that's all ; 
 therefore, prithee dry thy Eyes, and kifs me, come. 
 
 [Enter Flora. 
 
 Inis, And do you really fpeak Truth now ? 
 
 LiJ/', Why do you doubt it ? 
 
 Flo, So, fo, very well ! I thought there was an In- 
 trigue between him and Inis, for all he has forfworn it fo 
 often. [A/cde. 
 
 Inis, Nor han't you feen Flora fmce you came to Town. 
 
 Flo, Ha ! How dares fhe name my Name ']A/ide. 
 
 Liff, No, by this Kifs I han't. [Kijes her. 
 
 Flo, Here's a diffembling Varlet. [Afide, 
 
 Inis, Nor don't you love her at all ? 
 
 Lijl, Love the Devil ; why did not I always tell thee 
 fhe was my Averfion 
 
 Flo, Did you fo. Villain ? [Strikes him a Box on the Ear. 
 
 Lijf. Zounds, fhe here ! I have made a fine Spot of 
 Work on't. [Aftde, 
 
 Inis, What's that for Ha. \BruJhes up to her, 
 
 Flo, I fhall tell you by and by, Mrs. Frippery, if you 
 don't get about your Bufmefs. 
 
 Inis. Who do you call Frippery, Mrs. Trollop! Pray get 
 about your Bufmefs : If you go to that, I hope you pre- 
 tend to no Right and Title here. 
 
 Liff, What the Devil do they take me for, an Acre of 
 Land, that they quarrel about Right and Title to me 1 
 
 [Afide, 
 
 Flo, Pray what Right have you, Miflrefs, to afk that 
 Queflion ? 
 
 A 4 Inis, 
 
32 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 Inis, No matter for that, I can fliow a better Title to 
 him than you, I believe. 
 
 Flo, What, has he given thee nine Months earnefl for 
 a living Title ? Ha, ha. 
 
 Inis, Don't fling your flaunting Jells at me, Mrs. Bold- 
 face^ for I won't take 'em, I affure you. 
 
 Liff. So ! Now am I as great as the fam'd Alexander, 
 But my dear Statira and Roxana^ don't exert yourfelves lo 
 much about me : Now, I fancy, if you wou'd agree lo- 
 vingly together, I might, in a modefl Way, fatisfy both 
 your Demands upon me. 
 
 Flo, You fatisfy ! No, Sin-ah, I am not to be fatisfy'd 
 fo foon as you think, perhaps. 
 
 Inis, No, nor I neither What, do you make no 
 
 Difference between us .^^ 
 
 Flo, You pityful Fellow, you ; what, you fancy, I 
 warrant, that I gave myfelf the trouble of dogging you, 
 out of Love to your filthy Perfon ; but you are miftaken. 
 Sirrah — It was to dete6l your Treachery. — How often have 
 you fworn to me that you hated Inis^ and only carried fair 
 for the good Chear flie gave you ; but that you could ne- 
 ver like a Woman with crooked Legs, you faid. 
 
 Inis, How, how, Sirrah, crooked Legs ! Ods ; I cou'd 
 find in my Heart. \Snatchingup her Petticoat a little, 
 
 Liff. Here's a lying young Jade now ! Prithee, my 
 Dear, moderate thy Pafflon. \Coaxingly, 
 
 Inis. I'd have you to know. Sirrah, my Legs was ne- 
 ver — your M after, I hope, underftands Legs better than 
 you do, Sirrah. \_paJp,onately. 
 
 Liff, My Mafter, fo, fo. {Shaking his Head and winking, 
 
 Flo, I am glad I have done fome Mifchief, however. 
 
 {_Afide. 
 
 LiJJ. [To Inis.) Art thou really fo foolifh to mind what 
 an enrag'd Woman fays ? Don't you fee flie does it on 
 purpofe to part you and I ? [runs to Flora) cou'd not you 
 find the Joke without putting yourfelf in a Pafflon ! You 
 filly Girl you ? why I faw you follow us plain enough, 
 Mun, and faid all this, that you might not go back with 
 only your Labour for your Pains — But you are a revengeful 
 young Slut tho'. I tell you that, but come kifs, and be 
 Friends. 
 
 Flo, Don't think to coax me ! hang your Kiffes. 
 
 FeL 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 
 
 33 
 
 FeL {Within) Liffardo, 
 
 Lijf. Odfheart, here's my M after ; the Devil take both 
 thefe Jades for me, what fhall I do with them ? 
 
 Inis. Ha ! 'Tis Don Felixes Voice ; I wou'd not have 
 him find me here, with his Footman, for the World. 
 
 [Afide. 
 
 Fel. ( Within) Why, Liffardo, Liffardo I 
 
 Liff, Coming Sir, What a Pox will you do? 
 
 Flo. Blefs me, which Way lhall I get out ! 
 
 Liff. Nay, nay, you muft e'en fet your Quarrel afide, 
 and be content to be mew'd up in this Cloatlis Prefs to- 
 gether, and ftay where you are, and face it out there 
 
 is no help for it ! 
 
 Flo. Put me any where, rather than that ; come, come, 
 let me in. \_He opens the Prefs, and ffie goes in. 
 
 Inis. ril fee her hang'd, before Pll go into the Place 
 
 where fhe is. Fll truft Fortune with my Deliverance : 
 
 Here us'd to be a Pair of back Stairs, Fll try to find them 
 out. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Felix and Frederick. 
 Fel. Was you afleep, Sirrah, that you did not hear me 
 call? 
 
 Liff, I did hear you, and anfwer'd you, I was coming, 
 Sir. 
 
 Fel. Go get the Horfes ready, Fll leave Lifbon to Night, 
 never to fee it more. 
 
 Liff. Hey dey ! What's the Matter now? \_Exit. 
 
 Fred. Pray tell me; Don Felix I What has ruffled your 
 Temper thus ? 
 
 Fel. A Woman — Oh Friend, who can name Woman, 
 and forget Inconftancy ! 
 
 Fred. This from a Perfon of mean Education were ex- 
 cufable, fuch low Sufpicions have their Source from vulgar 
 Converfation ; Men of your politer Tafte never ralhly 
 cenfure. — Come, this is fome groundlefs Jealoufy — Love 
 raifes many Fears. 
 
 Fel. No, my Ears convey'd the Truth into my Heart, 
 and Reafon juftifies my Anger : Violante's falfe,and I have 
 nothing left, but thee, in Lifbon, which can make me wifti 
 ever to fee it more, except Revenge upon my Rival, of 
 whom I am ignorant. Oh, That fome Miracle would re- 
 
 3 VOL. III. B 5 veal 
 
34 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 veal him to me, that I might thro' his Heart punifh her 
 Infidelity. 
 
 Enter Liffardo. 
 Lijf, Oh ! Sir, here's your Father Don Lopez com- 
 ing up. 
 
 Fel. Does he know that I am here ? 
 
 Lijf, I can't tell, Sir, he afl^'d for Don Frederick, 
 
 Fred, Did he fee you 1 
 
 Lij[f, I believe not, Sir, for as foon as I faw him, I ran 
 back to give my Mafler Notice. 
 
 Fel, Keep out of his Sight then. — And dear Fredericky 
 permit me to retire into the next Room, for I know the 
 old Gentleman will be very much difpleafed at my Return 
 without his Leave. {Exit, 
 
 Fred, Quick, quick, be gone, he is here. 
 
 Enter Don 'Lo^^z^ /peaking as he enters. 
 
 Lop, Mr. Algnazil^ wait you without till I call for you. 
 Frederick^ an Affair brings me here — which — requires Pri- 
 vacy — So that if you have any Body within Ear-fhot, pray 
 order them to retire. 
 
 Fred, We are private, my Lord, fpeak freely. 
 
 Lop, Why then Sir, I mufl tell you, that you had bet- 
 ter have pitch'd upon any Man in Portugal to have in- 
 jur'd, than myfelf. 
 
 Fel, (Peeping) What means my Father ? 
 
 Fred, I underfland you not, my Lord ! 
 
 Lop, Tho' I am old, I have a Son. — Alas ! Why name I 
 him ? He knows not the Diflionour of my Houfe. 
 
 Fel. I am confounded ! The Difhonour of his Houfe. 
 
 Fred. Explain yourfelf my Lord ! I am not confcious 
 of any difhonourable A61:ion to any Man, much lefs to 
 your Lordfhip. 
 
 Lop, 'Tis falfe ! you have bebauched my Daughter. 
 
 Fel, Debauch'd my Sifter ! Impoffible ! He cou*d not, 
 durft not be that Villain. 
 
 Fred. My Lord I fcorn fo foul a Charge. 
 
 Lop. You have debauch'd her Duty at leaft, therefore, 
 inftantly reftore her to me, or by St. Anthony I'll make 
 you. 
 
 Fred, Reftore her my Lord ! Where ftiall I find her 
 Lop, I have thofe that will fwear ftie is here in your 
 Houfe. Fel, 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 35 
 
 FeL Ha ! In this Houfe ? 
 
 Fred, You are mifinform'd, my Lord, upon my Repu- 
 tation I have not feen Donna Ifabella^ fmce the Abfence 
 of Don Felix, 
 
 Lop. Then, pray Sir If I am not too inquifitive, 
 
 what Motive had you for thofe Objedlions you made 
 againfl her Marriage with Don Giizman Yeflerday ? 
 
 Fred, The Difagreeablenefs of fuch a Match, I fear'd, 
 wou'd give your Daughter caufe to curfe her Duty, if fhe 
 comply'd with your Demand, that was all, my Lord ! 
 
 Lop. And fo you help'd her thro^ the Window to make 
 her difobey. 
 
 FeL Ha, my Sifter gone ! Oh Scandal to our Blood ! 
 
 Fred. This is infulting me, my Lord, when I affure you 
 I have neither feen, nor know any thing of your Daugh- 
 ter If fhe is gone, the Contrivance was her own, and 
 
 you may thank your Rigour for it. 
 
 L^op. Very well, Sir ; however, my Rigour fhall make 
 bold to fearch your Houfe : Here, call in the Alguazil. — 
 
 Flo. {Peeping) The Alguazil? What in the Name of 
 Wonder will become of me ! 
 
 Fred. The Alguazil ! My Lord, you^ll repent this. 
 
 Enter Alguazil and Attendants. 
 Lop. No Sir, 'tis you that will repent it, I charge you, 
 in the King's Name, to affift me in finding of my Daugh- 
 ter. Befure you leave no Part of the Houfe unfearch'd ; 
 
 come, follow me. {Goes towards the Door where Fe- 
 lix is ; Frederick draws, and plants himself before 
 the Door. 
 
 Fred. Sir, I must firft know by what Authority you 
 pretend to fearch my Houfe, before you enter here. 
 
 Alg. How ! Sir, dare you prefume to draw your Sword 
 upon the Reprefentative of Majefty ! I am, Sir, I am his 
 Majefty'j" Alguazil, and the very Quinteffence of Autho- 
 rity therefore put up your Sword, or I fhall order you 
 
 to be knocked down for know, Sir, the Breath of an 
 
 Alguazil, is as dangerous as the Breath of a Demy-Cul- 
 verin. 
 
 Lop. She is certainly in that Room, by his guarding 
 
 the Door if he difputes your Authority, knock him 
 
 down, I fay. 
 
 B 6 Fred. 
 
36 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 Fred, I fhall fhow you fome Sport firfl ! The Woman 
 you look for is not here, but there is fomething in this 
 Room, which Pll preferve from your Sight at the Hazard 
 of my Life. 
 
 Lop, Enter, I fay, nothing but my Daughter can be 
 there — Force his Sword from him. [Felix comes out and 
 
 joins Frederick. 
 
 Fel. Villains, ftand off ! Affaffmate a Man in his own 
 Houfe. 
 
 Lop. Oh, oh, oh, Mifericordia^ what do I fee my Son ! 
 
 Alg. Ha, his Son ! Here's five hundred Pounds good, 
 my Brethren, if Antonio dies, and that's in the Surgeon's 
 Power, and he's in love with my Daughter, you know — 
 Don Felix ! I command you to furrender yourfelf into the 
 Hands of Juftice, in order to raife me and my Pofterity, 
 and in Confideration you lofe your Head to gain me five 
 hundred Pounds, I'll have your Generosity recorded on 
 
 your Tomb-flone at my own proper Cofl and Charge 
 
 — I hate to be ungrateful. 
 
 Fred. Here's a generous Dog now 
 
 Lop. Oh that ever I was born — Hold, hold, hold. 
 
 Fred. Did I not tell you, you wou'd repent, my Lord. 
 What ho ! Within there {Eater Serva7its) Arm yourfelves, 
 
 and let not a Man in, nor out, but Felix Look ye, 
 
 Alguazil, when you wou'd betray my Friend for filthy 
 Lucre, I fhall no more regard you as an Officer of Juflice, 
 but as a Thief and Robber thus refifl you. 
 
 FeL Generous Frederick I Come on, Sir, we'll fhow you 
 Play for the five hundred Pounds. 
 
 Alg. Fall on, feize the Money right or wrong, ye 
 Rogues. {They fight. 
 
 Lop. Hold, hold, Alguazil ! I'll give you the five hun- 
 dred Pounds, that is, my Bond to pay it upon Antonio's 
 Death, and twenty Pifloles however Things go, for you 
 and thefe honeft Fellows to drink my Health. 
 
 Alg. Say you fo, my Lord ! Why look ye, my Lord, 
 I bear the young Gentleman no ill Will, my Lord, if I 
 get but the five hundred Pounds, my Lord — Why, look 
 
 ye, my Lord 'Tis the fame Thing to me whether your 
 
 Son be hanged or not, my Lord. 
 
 Fel. Scoundrels. 
 
 Lop. Ay, well, thou art a good-natur'd Fellow, that 
 
 is 
 
A Woman keeps (^Secret. 37 
 
 is the Truth on't Come then, we'll to the Tavern, 
 
 and fign and leal this Minute : Oh Felix/ be careful of 
 thyfelf, or thou wilt break my Hsart. [Exit Lopez, 
 
 Alguazil and Attendants ^ 
 
 FeL Now Frederick^ tho' I ought to thank you for your 
 Care of me, yet, till I am fatisfied about my Father's Ac- 
 cufation, I can't return the Acknowledgments I owe you : 
 Know you aught relating to my Sifter? 
 
 Fred. I hope my Faith and Truth are known to you 
 — And here by both I fwear, I am ignorant of every Thing 
 relating to your Father's Charge. 
 
 FeL Enough, I do believe thee ! Oh Fortune ! Where 
 will thy Malice end ! 
 
 Filter Servant. 
 
 Ser, Sir, I bring you joyful News ; I am told that Don 
 Antonio is out of Danger, and now in the Palace. 
 
 FeL I wifh it be true, then Fm at Liberty to watch my 
 Rival, and purfue my Sifter ? Prithee Frederick^ inform 
 thyfelf of the Truth of this Report. 
 
 Fred. I will this Minute Do you hear, let no body 
 
 in to Don Felix till my Return. {Exit, 
 
 Ser. Fll observe, Sir. \Exit. 
 
 Flo. {Peeping) They have almoft frighted me out of 
 my Wits — Fm fure — Now Felix is alone, I have a good 
 Mind to pretend I came with a Meffage from my Lady ; 
 but then how fliall I fay I came into the Cupboard. \Afide. 
 
 Enter Servant, feeming to oppofe the Entrance of 
 fomebody. 
 
 Ser. I tell you. Madam, Don Felix is not here. 
 
 Vio. {Within) I tell you. Sir, he is here, and I will 
 fee him. {breaks in) You are as difficult of Access, Sir, as 
 a firft Minifter of State. 
 
 Flo. My Stars ! My Lady here ! [Shuts the Press close. 
 
 FeL If your Visit was defigned to Frederick, Madam, 
 he is abroad. 
 
 Vio. No, Sir, the Vifit is to you. 
 
 FeL You are very pun(0:ual in your Ceremonies, Ma- 
 dam. 
 
 Vio. Tho' I did not come to return your Vifit, but to 
 take that which your Civility ought to have brought me. 
 
 FeL 
 
38 W O N D E R : 
 
 FeL If my Ears, my Eyes and my Underflanding 
 ly'd, then I am in your Debt, elfe not, Madam. 
 
 Vio, I will not charge them with a Term fo grofs, to 
 fay they ly'd, but call it a Miflake, nay, call it any thing 
 to excuse my Felix — Cou'd I, think ye, cou'd I put off 
 my Pride fo far, poorly to diffemble a Paffion which I did 
 not feel? Or feek a Reconciliation, with what I did not 
 love ? Do but confider, if I had entertained another, fhou^d 
 I not rather embrace this Quarrel, pleas'd with the Oc- 
 cafion that rid me of your Vifits, and gave me Freedom 
 to enjoy the Choice which you think I have made ; have 
 I any Intereft in thee but my Love? Or am I bound by 
 
 aught but Inclination to fubmit and follow thee No 
 
 Law whilfl fmgle binds us to obey, but you by Nature 
 and Education, are obliged to pay a Deference to all Wo- 
 man-kind. 
 
 FeL Thefe are fruitlefs Arguments . 'Tis mofl certain 
 thou wert dearer to thefe Eyes than all that Heaven eVe 
 gave to charm the Sense of Man ; but I wou'd rather tear 
 them out, than fuffer 'em to delude my Reason, and en- 
 flave my Peace. 
 
 Vio. Can you love without Efleem ? And where is the 
 Efleem for her you flill fufpect ? Oh Felix ! There is a 
 
 Delicacy in Love, which equals even a religious Faith ; 
 
 true Love n'eer doubts the Objedl it adores, and Scepticks 
 there, will dif believe their Sight. 
 
 Enter Serant, 
 FeL Your Notions are too refin'd for mine. Madam. 
 How now, what do you want ? 
 
 Ser, Only my Mafter's Cloak out of this Prefs, Sir, 
 
 that's all Oh ! the Devil, the Devil. \Opens the 
 
 Prefs^fees Flora, and roars out. 
 Vlo, Ha, a Woman conceaFd ! Very well, Felix/ 
 Flo, Difcover'd ! Nay then Legs befriend me. [runs 
 
 out, 
 
 FeL A Woman in the Prefs ! [Enter Liffardo. 
 
 How the Devil came a Woman there, Sirrah 
 Liff, What fhall I fay now ? 
 
 Vio, Now Lijfardo fhew your Wit to bring your 
 Mafler off. 
 
 LiJ, Off Madam ! Nay, nay, nay, there, there needs 
 
 no 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 
 
 39 
 
 no great Wit to, to, to, bring him off Madam, for fhe did, 
 and fhe did not come as, as, as, as, a, a, Man may fay 
 dire(flly to, to, to, to fpeak with my Mafler, Madam. 
 
 Vio, I fee by your Stammering, Liffa7^do^\\\2X your In- 
 vention is at a very low Ebb. 
 
 FeL 'Sdeath, Rafcal ! fpeak without Hefitation, and the 
 Truth too, or I fhall flick my Stilletto in your Guts. 
 
 Vio. No, no, your Mafler miflakes, he wou'd not have 
 you fpeak the Truth. 
 
 Fel. Madam, my Sincerity wants no Excufe. 
 
 Lijf. I am fo confounded between one and the other, 
 that I can't think of a Lye.— [Afcde. 
 
 FeL Sirrah, fetch me this Woman back inflantly, FU 
 know what Bufmefs fhe had here ! 
 
 Vio. Not a flep ; your Mafler fhan't be put to the Blufh 
 
 Come a Truce, Felix/ Do you afk me no more 
 
 Queflions about the Window, and I'll forgive this. 
 
 Fel. I fcorn Forgivenefs where I own no Crime, but 
 your Soul, confcious of its Guilt, would fain lay hold of 
 this Occafion to blend your Treafon with my Inno- 
 cence. 
 
 Vio. Infolent ! Nay, if inflead of owning your Fault you 
 endeavour to infult my Patience, I mufl tell you, Sir, you 
 don't behave yourfelf like that Man of Honour you wou'd 
 be taken for, you ground your Quarrel with me upon 
 your own Inconftancy ; 'tis plain you are falfe yourfelf, 
 and wou'd make me the Aggreffor It was not for no- 
 thing the Fellow oppos'd my Entrance This lafl Ufage 
 
 has given me back my Liberty, and now my Father's Will 
 fhall be obey'd without the leafl Reludlance. [Exit. 
 
 FeL Oh, flubborn, flubborn Heart, what wilt thou do.'^ 
 Her Father's Will fhall be obey'd ; Ha, That carries her 
 
 to a Cloyfler, and cuts off all my Hopes at once By 
 
 Heaven fhe fhall not, mufl not leave me ! No fhe is not 
 falfe, at leafl my Love now reprefents her true, becaufe I 
 fear to lofe her : Ha ! Villain, art thou here : {turns upon 
 Liffardo) tell me this Moment whom this Woman was, 
 and for what Intent fhe was here conceal'd Or 
 
 Lijlf. Ah, good Sir, forgive me, and I'll tell you the 
 whole Truth. {falls on his Knees, 
 
 Lijf. It, it, it, was Mrs. Flora, Sir, Donna Violante^s 
 
 Woman you mufl know. Sir, we have had a fneaking 
 
 Kind- 
 
40 77^^ W O N D E R : 
 
 Kindnefs for one another a great while — She was not will- 
 ing you jfhould know it, fo when fhe heard your Voice, 
 file ran into the Cloaths-Prefs ; I wou'd have told you 
 this at firfl, but I was afraid of her Lady's knowing it ; 
 this is the Truth, as I hope for a whole Skin, Sir. 
 
 Fel. If it be not. Til not leave you a whole Bone in it, 
 Sirrah fly, and obferve if Violante goes dire6lly home. 
 
 Liff. Yes, Sir ; yes. 
 
 Fel. I mufl convince her of my Faith : Oh ! how irrefo- 
 lute is a Lover's Heart ! My Refentment cooFd when 
 hers grew high — Nor can I flruggle longer with my Fate ; 
 I cannot quit her, no I cannot, fo abfolute a Conquefl 
 
 has fhe gained Woman's the greatefl fovereign Power 
 
 on Earth. 
 
 In vain Men Jirive their Tyranny to quit^ 
 Their Eyes cominand^ and force us to fubmit. 
 So have I feen a mettled Coitrfer fly^ 
 Tear up the Groimd, and to/s his Rider high, 
 Till fome experienced Majler fo7md the Way, 
 With Spur and Rein to make his Pride obey. 
 
 Scene the Terreiro de paffa. 
 
 Enter Colonel and Ifabella veiled, 
 Gibby at a Dijlance, 
 
 Col, Then you fay, it is impoffible for me to wait of 
 you home, Madam. 
 
 Ifab. I fay it is inconfiftent with my Circumflance, Co- 
 lonel, and that Way impoffible for me to admit of it. 
 
 CoL Confent to go with me then 1 lodge at one Don 
 
 Frederick's a Merchant jufl by here, he is a very honefl 
 Fellow, and I dare confide in his Secrecy. 
 
 I/ab. Ha, does he lodge there 1 Pray Heaven I am not 
 difcover'd. [A/ide, 
 
 Col, What fay you, my Charmer 1 fhall we breakfast to- 
 gether ; I have fome of the befl Bohea in the Univerfe. 
 
 I/ab. Pu ! Bohea ! Is that the befl Treat you can give 
 a Lady at your Lodgings — Colonel ! 
 
 Col, Well hinted No, no, no, I have other Things 
 
 at thy Service, Child. 
 
 I/ab, What are thofe Things prav, 
 
 CoL 
 
A Woman kseps (^Secret. 41 
 
 Col. My Heart, Soul, and Body into the Bargain. 
 
 Ifab. Has the lafl no Incumbrance upon it ; can you 
 make a clear Title, Colonel ? 
 
 Col. All Freehold, Child, and Fll afford thee a very 
 good Bargain. [embraces her. 
 
 Gib. Au my Sol, they mak muckle Wards about it, 
 Ife feer weary with (landing, Ife e^en tak a Sleep. 
 
 \_Lies down. 
 
 Ifab. If I take a Leafe it mufl be for Life, Colonel. 
 
 Col. Thou fhalt have me as long, or as little Time as 
 thou wilt ; my Dear, come, let's to my Lodging, and we'll 
 Sign and Seal this Minute. 
 
 Ifab. Oh, not fo fafl. Colonel, there are many Things 
 to be adjufled before the Lawyer and the Parfon 
 comes. 
 
 Col, The Lawyer, and Parfon ! No, no, ye little Rogue, 
 we can finifh our Affairs without the Help of the Law — 
 or the Gofpel. 
 
 Ifab. Indeed, but we can't. Colonel. 
 
 Col. Indeed ! Why hafl thou then trappan'd me out of 
 my warm Bed this Morning for nothing ! Why, this is 
 fhowing a Man half familh'd a well furnifh'd Larder, 
 then clapping a Padlock on the Door, till you flarve him 
 quite. 
 
 Ifab. If you can find in your Heart to fay Grace, Co- 
 lonel, you jfhall keep the Key. 
 
 Col. I love to fee my Meat before I give Thanks, Ma- 
 dam, therefore uncover thy Face, Child, and Fll tell thee 
 more of my Mind. If I like you 
 
 I sab. I dare not rifk my Reputation upon your Ifs, Co- 
 lonel, — and fo Adieu. {Going. 
 
 Col. Nay, nay, nay, we muft not part. 
 
 Ifab. As you ever hope to fee me more, fufpend your 
 
 Curiofity now ; one Step farther lofes me for ever. 
 
 Show yourself a Man of Honour, and you fhall find me a 
 Woman of Honour. {Exit. 
 
 Col. Well, for once, Fll truft to a blind Bargain, Ma- 
 dam. {Kiffes her Hand and parts.) But I fhall be too 
 
 cunning for your Ladyfhip. if Gibby obferves my Orders : 
 Methinks thefe Intrigues, which relate to the Mind, are 
 
 very mfipid. The Converfation of Bodies is much 
 
 more diverting. Ha ! What do I fee, my Rafcal afleep 
 
 Sirrah, 
 
42 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Sirrah, did I not charge you to watch the Lady ? And is it 
 thus you obferve my Orders, ye Dog. {Kicks him 
 
 all this while^ and he Jhrugs^ and rubs his Eyes, 
 
 and yawns. 
 
 Gib, That's true, and Hk your Honour ; but I thought 
 that when ence ye had her in yer awn Honds, yee mite a 
 orderd her yer fal weel eneugh without me, en ye keen, 
 and hk her Honour. 
 
 Col. Sirrah, hold your impertinent Tongue, and make 
 hafle after her ; if you don^t bring me fome Account of 
 her, never dare to fee my Face again. [Exit. 
 
 Gib, Ay ! This is bony Wark indeed, to run three 
 hundred Mile to this wicked Town, an before I can weel 
 fill my Wefn, to be fent a Whore-hunting after this black 
 fhee Devil. — What fal I gang to fpeer for this Wutch 
 
 now } Ah, for a ruling Elder or the Kirk's Treaferer 
 
 or his Mon Id gar, my Mafler make twa oh this ; 
 
 — But Fm feer ther's na fike honefl People here, or there 
 wou'd na befo muckle Sculdudrie*. 
 
 [Enter an Englifh Soldier pajfmg along. 
 
 Gib. Geud Mon, did ye fee a Woman, a Lady, ony 
 gate her away enow 
 
 Eng. Man. Yes, a great many. What kind of a Wo- 
 man is it you enquire after. 
 
 Gib. Geud. troth, fhe's ne Kenfpekle, fhe's aw in a 
 Clowd. 
 
 Eng. Man. What ! it's fome High-land Monfler which 
 you brought over with you, I fuppofe, I fee no fuch, not 
 I, kenfpekle quotha ! 
 
 Gib. Huly, huly, Mon, the Deel pike out yer Eyn, and 
 then you'll fee the bater, ye English bag Pudin Tike. 
 
 Eng. Man. What fays the Fellow ? [Turning to Gibby. 
 
 Gib. Say ! I fay I am a better Fellow than e'er ftude 
 upon yer Shanks — an gin I heer meer a yer din, deal a my 
 Sol, Sir, but Ife crak your Crown. 
 
 Eng. Man. Get you gone, you Scotch Rafcal, and thank 
 your Heathen Dialedl, which I don't underftand, that you 
 han't your Bones broke. 
 
 Gib. Ay ! an ye do no understond a Scots Man's Tongue 
 
 * Fornication, 
 
 -lit 
 
A Woman keeps (^Secret. 43 
 
 — Ife fe gin ye can understond a Scots Man's Gripe : 
 Wha's the batter Man now, Sir? 
 
 \Lays hold of him,Jlrikes up his Heels, and gets 
 ajlride over hhn. 
 
 Here Violante croffes the Stage, Gibby jicmps up from 
 the Man, and brufhes up to Violante. 
 
 Gib, I vow, Madam, but I am glad that yee and I are 
 foregathered. 
 
 Vio, What wou'd the Fellow have ? 
 
 Gib. Nothing, away Madam, wo worth yer Heart, 
 what a muckle deel a Mifchief had yee like to bring upon 
 poor Gibby. 
 
 Vio. The Man's drunk. 
 
 Gib, In troth am I not. An gin I had not fond ye, 
 
 Madam, the Laird knows when I fhou'd ; for my Mailer 
 bad me nere gang Heam, without Ty dings of yee. Ma- 
 dam. 
 
 Vio, Sirrah, get about your Bufmefs, or 111 have your 
 Bones drubb'd. 
 
 Gib. Geud Faith, my Mafler has e'en dun that te yer 
 Honds, Madam. 
 
 Vio. Who is your Mafler, Friend 
 
 Gib. Mony e'en Spiers the gat, they ken right weel — 
 It is no fo long fen yee parted wi' him, I wifh he ken yee 
 haafe as weel as yee ken him. 
 
 Vio. Pugh, the Creature's mad or miflakes me for fome 
 Body elfe ; and I Ihou'd be as mad as he, to talk to him 
 any longer. \Exit, 
 
 Enter Liffardo at the upper end of the Stage, 
 Liff, So, fhe's gone Home, I fee. What did that 
 Scotch Fellow want with her ? I'll try to find it out, per- 
 haps I may difcover fomething that may make my Mafler 
 friends with me again. 
 
 Gib. Are ye gaune Madam, a deel fcope in your Com- 
 pany, for I'm as weefe as I was ; but I'll bide and fee 
 whafe Houfe it is, gin I can meet wi ony Civil Body to 
 
 fpier at. Weel of aw Men in the Warld, I think our 
 
 Scots men the greatefl Feuls, to leave their weel favour'd 
 honefl Women at Heam, to rin walloping after a Pack of 
 Gyrcarlings here, that fhame to fhow their Faces, and 
 
 peer 
 
44 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 peer Men, like me, are forc'd to be their Pimps ; a Pimp ! 
 
 Godfwarbit, Gzbbys ne'er be a Pimp And yet in troth 
 
 it is a Threving Trade ; I remember a Countryman aw 
 mi ean, that by ganging a fike like Errants as I am now, 
 come to gat Preferment : My Lsd, wot yee wha lives 
 here ? [Turns and sees Liffardo. 
 
 Lijf. Don Pedro de Mendofa. 
 
 Gib. An did ye fee a Lady gang in but now ? 
 
 Li^, Yes I did. 
 
 Gib. An dee ken her te ? 
 
 LiJf. It was Donna Violante his Daughter ; what the 
 Devil makes him fo inquifitive? Here is fomething in it, 
 that's certain. 'Tis a cold Morning, Brother, what think 
 you of a Dram ? 
 
 Gib. In troth, very weel, Sir. 
 
 LiJf. You feem an honest Fellow, prithee let's drink to 
 our better Acquaintance. 
 
 Gib. Wi aw my Heart, Sir ; gang yer gat to the next 
 House, and Ife follow ye. 
 
 LiJf. Come along then. \Exit, 
 
 Gib. Do7t Pedro de Mendosa Donna Violante his 
 
 Daughter ; that's as right as my Leg now Ife need na 
 
 meer, I'll tak a Drink, an then to my Master. 
 
 Ife bring him News will mak his Heart full Blee ; 
 
 Gin he rewards it not, Deel pimp for me. [Exit. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE, Violante's Lodgmgs. 
 
 Enter Ifabella in a gay Temper^ and Violante out of 
 Humour. 
 
 I sab. Y Dear, I have been feeking you, this half 
 
 I VI Hour, to tell you the mofl lucky Adventure. 
 Vio. And you have pitched upon the mofl unlucky Hour 
 for it, that you cou'd poffibly have found in the whole four 
 and Twenty. 
 
 Isab. 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 45 
 
 Isab. Hang unlucky Hours, I won't think of them ; I 
 hope all my Misfortunes are pad. 
 Vio. And mine all to come. 
 Isab. I have feen the Man I like. 
 
 Vio. And I have feen the Man I cou'd wifh to 
 hate. 
 
 Isab. And you mufl affifl me in difcovering whether he 
 can like me, or not. 
 
 Vio. You have affifled me in fuch a Difcovery already, 
 I thank ye. 
 
 Isab. What fay you, my Dear } 
 
 Vio. I fay I am very unlucky at Difcoveries, Isabella ; 
 I have too lately made one pernicious to my Eafe ; ) our 
 Brother is falfe. 
 
 Isab. Impossible ! 
 
 Vio. Most true. 
 
 Isab, Some Villain has traduc'd him to you. 
 
 Vio. No, Isabella^ I love too well to truft the Eyes of 
 others ; I never credit the ill-judging World, or form 
 Suspicions upon vulgar Censures ; no, I had ocular Proof 
 of his Ingratitude. 
 
 Isab. Then I am mofl unhappy : my Brother was the 
 only Pledge of Faith betwixt us ; if he has forfeited your 
 Favour, I have no Title to your Friendfhip. 
 
 Vio. You wrong my Friendship, Isabella ; your own 
 Merit intitles you to every Thing within my Power. 
 
 Isab. Generous Maid But may I not know what 
 
 Grounds you have to think my Brother falfe. 
 
 Vio. Another time — But tell me, Isabella^ how can I 
 ferve you ? 
 
 Isab. Thus then The Gentleman that brought me 
 
 hither, I have feen and talked with upon the Terreiro de 
 paffa this Morning, and find him a Man of Senfe, Gene- 
 rosity, and good Humour ; in fhort, he is every Thing 
 that I cou'd like for a Huf band, and I have difpatch'd 
 Mrs. Flora to bring him hither ; I hope you'll forgive the 
 Liberty I have taken. 
 
 Vio. Hither, to what Purpcfe? 
 
 Isab. To the great univerfal Purpose, Matrimony. 
 
 Vio. Matrimony ! W^hy do you defign to ask him ? 
 
 Isab. No, Violanfe^ you mufl do that for me. 
 
 Vio. I thank you for the Favour you defign me, but de- 
 
 fire 
 
46 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 fire to be excused : I manage my own Affairs too ill, to be 
 trufled with those of other People ; befides. if my Fa- 
 ther fliou'd find a Stranger here, it might make him hurry 
 me into a Monajiery immediately ; I can't for my Life ad- 
 mire your Conduct, to encourage a Person altogether un- 
 known to you. 'Twas very imprudent to meet him 
 
 this Morning, but much more fo, to fend for him hither, 
 knowing what Inconveniency you have already drawn 
 upon me. 
 
 Isab. I am not infenfible how far my Misfortunes have 
 embarrafl you ; and, if you please, facrifice my Quiet to 
 your own. 
 
 Vzo. Unkindly urg'd — Have I not preferred your Hap- 
 pinefs to every Thing that^s dear to me ? 
 
 Isab, I know thou haft Then do not deny me this 
 
 laft Requefl, when a few Hours perhaps, may render my 
 Condition, able to clear thy Fame, and bring my Brother 
 to thy Feet for Pardon. 
 
 Vio, I wifh you don't repent of this Intrigue. I fuppose 
 he knows you are the fame Woman that he brought in 
 here last Night. 
 
 Isab, Not a Syllable of that ; I met him veiPd, and to 
 prevent his knowing the Houfe, I ordered Mrs. Flora to 
 bring him by the back Door into the Garden. 
 
 Vio. The very Way which Felix comes ; if they fhould 
 
 meet, there would be fine Work Indeed, my Dear, I 
 
 can't approve of your Defign. 
 
 Enter Flora. 
 
 Flor, Madam, the Colonel waits your Pleafure. 
 
 Vio, How durft you go upon fuch a Meffage, Miftrefs, 
 without acquainting me ? 
 
 Isab, Tis too late to difpute that now, dear Violante, 
 I acknowledge the Ralhnefs of the A6lion — But confider 
 the Neceffity of my Deliverance. 
 
 Vio, That is indeed a weighty Confideration ; well, 
 what am I to do ? 
 
 Isab. In the next Room Til give you Inftru6lions ; in 
 the mean time, Mrs. Flora, ftiow the Colonel into this. 
 [Exit Flora one Way, and Isab. andN\o. another. 
 
 Re-enter Flora with the Colonel. 
 Flo. The Lady will wait on you prefently, Sir. [Exit. 
 
 Col. 
 
A Woman keeps <3:Secret. 47 
 
 Col, Very well This is a very fruitful Soil. I have 
 
 not been here quite four and twenty Hours, and I have 
 three Intrigues upon my Hands already, but I hate the 
 Chafe, without partaking the Game. {Enter Violante 
 veird) Ha, a fine fized Woman — Pray Heaven fhe proves 
 handfome — I am come to obey your Ladyfliip's Com- 
 mands. 
 
 Vio. Are you fure of that. Colonel ? 
 
 CoL If you be not very unreafonable indeed, Madam ; 
 a Man is but a Man. {Takes her Hand and ki/Jes it, 
 
 Vio, Nay, nay, we have no Time for Compliments, Co- 
 lonel 
 
 Col. I underftand you, Madam Montre 7noy voire 
 
 Chambre, {Takes her in his Arms, 
 
 Vio, Nay, nay, hold Colonel, my Bed-chamber is not 
 to be entered without a certain Purchafe. 
 
 Col, Purchafe ! Humph : This is fome kept Miftrefs, I 
 fuppofe, who induflrioufly lets outherleifure Hours. {Afcde) 
 Look ye. Madam, you mufl confider we Soldiers are not 
 over- flocked with Money. — But we make ample Satisfac- 
 tion in Love ; we have a World of Courage upon our 
 Hands now, you know : — Then prithee ufe a Confcience, 
 and rU try if my Pocket can come up to your Price. 
 
 {Puts his Hand into his Pocket, 
 
 Vio, Nay, don't give yourfelf the Trouble of drawing 
 your Purfe, Colonel, my defign is leveled at your Perfon, 
 if that be at your own Difpofal. 
 
 Col, Ay, that it is Faith, Madam, and TU fettle it as 
 firmly upon thee 
 
 Vio, As Law can do it. 
 
 Col, Hang Law in Love affairs ; thou fhalt have Right 
 
 and Title to it out of pure Inclination A matrimonial 
 
 Hint again ! Gad, I fancy the Women have a Projedl on 
 Foot to tranfplant the Union into Portugal, 
 
 Vio, Then you have an Averfion to Matrimony, Co- 
 lonel ; did you ever fee a Woman, in all your Travels, 
 that you cou'd like for a Wife t 
 
 Col, A very odd Queftion — Do you really expedl that 
 I Ihou'd fpeak Truth now ? 
 
 Vio, I do, if you expedl to be fo dealt with, Colonel. 
 
 Col, Why then Yes. 
 
 Vio, Is (he in your own Country, or this 1 
 
 Col, 
 
The WONDER 
 
 Col. This is a very pretty kind of a Catechifm ; but I 
 don t conceive which Way it turns to Edification : In this 
 Town i b eh eve, Madam. 
 
 Via. Her Name is 
 
 CoL Ay, liow is flie call'd, Madam ? 
 
 Vio, Nay, I alk you that, Sir. 
 
 Col. Oh, oh, whyfhe is calFd— Pray, Madam, how is 
 it you fpell your Name ? 
 
 Vio. Oh, Colonel, I am not the happy Woman, nor 
 do I wilh it. 
 
 Col. No, I am forry for that.— What the Devil does 
 fhe mean by all thefe Queflions ? [A/ide. 
 
 Vio. Come, Colonel, for once be fmcere. Perhaps 
 
 you may not repent it. 
 
 Col. Faith, Madam, I have an Inclination to Sincerity, 
 but Pm afraid you'll call my Manners in Question : This 
 is like to be but a filly Adventure, here's fo much Sin- 
 cerity required. \^Afide. 
 
 Vio. Not at all : I prefer Truth before Compliment in 
 this Affair. 
 
 Col. Why then, to be plain with you, Madam, a Lady 
 lafl Night wounded my Heart by a Fall from a Window, 
 whofe Perfon I cou'd be contented to take, as my Father 
 
 took my Mother, till Death us doth part. But whom 
 
 fhe is, or how diftinguifh'd. Whether Maid, Wife, or Wi- 
 dow, I can't inform you ; perhaps you are fhe. 
 
 Vio, Not to keep you in Sufpence, I am not fhe, but I 
 can give you an Account of her : That Lady is a Maid of 
 Condition, has ten thoufand Pounds ; and if you are a 
 fmgle Man, her Perfon and Fortune are at your Service. 
 
 Col. I accept the Offer with the highefl Tranfports ; 
 but fay, my charming Angel, art thou not fhe? {pffe7's lo 
 einbrace her) This is a lucky Adventure. [Aftde. 
 
 Vio. Once again, Colonel, I tell you I am not fhe — 
 But at Six this Evening you fhall find her on the Ter- 
 reira de pajfa, with a white Handkerchief in her Hand ; 
 get a Priefl ready, and you know the reft. 
 
 CoL I fhall infallibly obferve your Dire6lions, Madam. 
 
 Enter Flora ha/ltly, and whifpers Violante, who Jlarts and 
 feems furprised. 
 Vio. Ha, Felix croffmg the Garden, fay you, what fhall 
 I do now ? CoL 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 49 
 
 Col. You feem furpriz'd, Madam. 
 
 Vio. Oh, Colonel, my Father is coming hither, and if 
 he finds you here, I am ruin'd ! 
 
 Col. Od'slife, Madam, thrufl me any where ; can't I 
 go out this Way ? 
 
 Vio. No, no, no, he comes that Way ; how fhall I 
 prevent their Meeting? Here, here, flep into my Bed- 
 chamber and be flill, as you value her you love ; don't flir 
 till yoiiVe Notice, as ever you hope to have her in your 
 Arms. 
 
 Col. On that Condition Til not breathe. \_Exit. 
 Enter Felix. 
 
 Fel. I wonder where my Dog of a Servant is all this 
 
 while But (he is at home 1 find How coldly fhe 
 
 regards me You look, Violante, as if the Sight of me 
 
 were troublefome. 
 
 Vio. Can I do otherwife, when you have the Affurance 
 to approach me, after what I faw to Day. 
 
 Fel. Affurance, rather call it good Nature, after what I 
 heard lafl Night ; but fuch regard to Honour have I in 
 my Love to you, I cannot bear to be fufpedted, nor fuffer 
 you to entertain falfe Notions of my Truth, without en- 
 deavouring to convince you of my Innocence, fo much 
 
 good Nature have I more than you Violante. Pray give 
 
 me Leave to afk your Woman one Queflion ; my Man af- 
 fures me fhe was the Perfon you faw at my Lodgings. 
 
 Flo. I confefs it, Madam, and alk your Pardon. 
 
 Vio. Impudent Baggage, not to undeceive me fooner ? 
 what Bufmefs cou'd you have there ? 
 
 Fel. Liffardo and fhe, it feems, imitate you and I. 
 
 Flo. I love to follow the Example of my Betters, Ma- 
 dam. 
 
 FeL I hope I am juflify'd 
 
 Vio. Since we are to part, Felix, there needed no Jufli- 
 fication. 
 
 Fel. Methinks you talk of parting as a Thing indiffe- 
 rent to you ; can you forget how you have lov'd 1 
 
 Vio. I wifh I could forget my own Paffion ; I fhou'd 
 
 with lefs Concern remember yours But for Mrs. 
 
 Flora 
 
 Fel. You mufl forgive her ; Mufl, did I fav ? I fear 
 
 * VOL. III. C ' I have 
 
50 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 I have no Power to impofe, tho' the Injury was done 
 to me. 
 
 Vio. 'Tis harder to pardon an Injury done to what we 
 love than to ourfelves ; but at your Requeft, Felix, I do 
 forgive her ; go watch my Father, Flora, left he fhou'd 
 awake and furprize us. 
 
 Flo. Yes, Madam. \_Exit Flora. 
 
 Fel, Doft thou then love me, Violante ? 
 
 Vio, What need of Repetition from my Tongue, when 
 every Look confeffes what you afk ? 
 
 FeL Oh ! let no Man judge of Love but thofe who feel 
 
 it ; what wondrous Magic lies in one kind Look. One 
 
 tender Word deftroys a Lover^s Rage, and melts his fierceft 
 Paffion into foft Complaint. Oh the Window, Violante, 
 would^ft thou but clear that one Sufpicion ! 
 
 Vio, Prithee, no more of that, my Felix, a little Time 
 lhall bring thee perfect Satisfacflion. 
 
 FeL Well, Violante, on that Condition you think no 
 
 more of a Monaftery. Pll wait wdth Patience for this 
 
 mighty Secret. 
 
 Vio, Ah, Felix, Love generally gets the better of Reli- 
 gion in us Women : Refolutions made in Heat of Paffion, 
 ever diffolve upon Reconciliation. 
 
 Enter Flora hajlily, 
 
 Flo. Oh, Madam, Madam, Madam ! my Lord your 
 Father has been in the Garden, andlock'd the back Door, 
 and comes muttering to himfelf this Way. 
 
 Vio, Then we are caught : Now, Felix, we are undone. 
 
 Fel, Heavens forbid, this is moft unlucky ! let me ftep 
 into your Bed-chamber, he won^t look under the Bed ; 
 there I may conceal myfelf. {rmis to the Door, and pujhes 
 
 it open a little, 
 
 Vio, My Stars ! If he goes in there he'll find the Co- 
 lonel. No, no, Felix, that's no fafe Place, my Fa- 
 ther often goes thither ; and fhou'd you cough, or 
 fneeze, we are loft. 
 
 Fel. Either my Eyes deceived me, or I faw a Man 
 
 within ; Pll watch him clofe She ftiall deal with the 
 
 Devil, if ftie conveys him out without my Knowledge, 
 {Afide) What ftiall I do then ? 
 
 Vio, Blefs me, how I tremble ! 
 
 Flo. 
 
A Woman keeps ^^^Seceet. 51 
 
 Flo. Oh, Invention! Invention! — I have it, Madam; 
 here^ here, here, Sir, off with your Sword, and Fil fetch 
 you a Difguife. \Runs in and fetches out a Riding-Hood. 
 
 Fel. Ay, ay, any thing to avoid Don Pedro. 
 
 Vio. Oh ! Quick, quick, quck, I fhall die with Ap- 
 prehenfion. [Flora puts the Riding-Hood on Felix. 
 
 Flo. Befure you don't fpeak a Word ! 
 
 Fel. Not for the Indies. But I fhall obferve you 
 
 clofer than yon imagine. \^AJide. 
 
 Ped7'o ( Within) Violante^ where are you Child ? {Enter 
 Don Pedro.) Why, how came the Garden Door open ? 
 Ha ! How now ; who heive we here ? 
 
 Vio. Humph, he'll certainly difcove<? him. S^Afide, 
 
 Flo. 'Tis my Mother, and pleafe you. Sir. 
 
 \She and Felix both curtefy. 
 
 Pedro. Your Mother ! By St. Anthony a Strapper ; 
 why, you are a Dwarf to her. — How many Children have 
 you, good Woman ? 
 
 Vio. Oh ! if he fpeaks we are lofl. \AfLde. 
 
 Flo. Oh ! Dear Senior., fhe can't hear you ; fhe has 
 been deaf thefe twenty Years. 
 
 Pedro. Alas, poor Woman. Why you muffle her up 
 
 as if fhe were blind too. 
 
 Fel. W ou'd I were fairly off. \Afcde. 
 
 Pedro. Turn up her Hood. 
 
 Vio. Undone for ever. St. Anthony forbid : Oh, 
 
 Sir, fhe has the dreadfuUeft unlucky Eyes. Pray don't 
 
 look upon them ; I made her keep her Hood fhut on 
 purpofe. Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Pedro, Eyes ! Why what's the Matter with her Eyes ? 
 
 Flo. My poor Mother, Sir, is much afflicted with the 
 Cholick ; and abont two Months ago fhe had it grievoufly 
 in her Stomach, and was over-perfuaded to take a Dram 
 
 of filthy EngliJJi Geneva. Which immediately flew up 
 
 into her Head, and caus'd fuch a Defluxion in her Eyes, 
 that fhe cou'd never lince bear the Day-light. 
 
 Pedro. Say you fo — Poor Woman ! — Well, make her 
 fit down, Violante, and give her a Glafs of Wine. 
 
 Vio. Let her Daughter give her a Glafs below. Sir ; for 
 my part fhe has frighted mefo, I fhan't be myfelf thefe 
 two Hours. I am fure her Eyes are evil Eyes. 
 
 Fel. Well hinted. 
 
 C 2 Pedro. 
 
52 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Pedro Well, well, do fo ; evil Eyes, there is no evil 
 Eyes, Child. \Exit Felix and Flora. 
 
 Vio. I am glad he's gone. 
 
 Pedro. Haft thou heard the News, Violante? 
 
 Vio. What News, Sir ? 
 
 Pedro. Why, Vafquez tells me,th'dt Don Lopezes Daugh- 
 ter I/abella, is run away from her Father ; that Lord has 
 
 very ill Fortune with his Children. Well, Fm glad my 
 
 Daughter has no Inclination to Mankind ; that myHoufe 
 is plagu'd with no Suitors. [Afide. 
 
 Vio. This is the firft Word I ever heard of it ; I pity 
 her Frailty. 
 
 Pedro. Well faid, Violante. Next week I intend thy 
 
 Happinefs lhall begin. {Enter Flora. 
 
 Vio. I don't intend to flayfo long, I thank you Papa. 
 
 {Afide. 
 
 Pedro. My Lady Abbefs writes Word fhe longs to fee 
 thee, and has provided every Thing in order for thy Re- 
 ception. — Thou wilt lead a happy Life, my Girl. — Fifty 
 Times before that of Matrimony ; where an extravagant 
 Coxcomb might make a Beggar of thee, or an ill-natur'd 
 furly Dog break thy Heart. 
 
 Flo. Break her Heart ! She had as good have her 
 Bones broke as to be a Nun ; I am fure I had rather 
 
 of the two. You are wondrous kind. Sir ; but if I 
 
 had fuch a Father, I know what I would do. 
 
 Pedro. Why, what wou'd you do Minx, ha ? 
 
 Flo. I wou'd tell him I had as good Right and Title to 
 the Laws of Nature, and the End of the Creation, as he 
 had. 
 
 Pedro. You wou'd, Miflrefs ; who the Devil doubts it 1 
 A good Affurance is a Chamber-maid's Coat of Arms ; 
 and lying, and contriving, the Supporters. Your Incli- 
 nations are on the Tip-toe it feems — If I were your Father, 
 Houfewife, Fd have a Pennance enjoyn'd you, fo flri6l that 
 you fhould not be able to turn you in. your Bed for a 
 Month You are enough to fpoil your Lady, Houfe- 
 wife, if (he had not abundance of Devotion. 
 
 Vio. Fye, Flora ; Are not you afham'd to talk thus to 
 my Father ? You faid, Yeflerday, you wou'd be glad to 
 go with me into the Monaflery. 
 
 Pedro. She go with thee ! No, no, fhe's enough to de- 
 bauch 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 53 
 
 bauch the whole Convent Well, Child, remember 
 
 what I faid to thee ; next Week 
 
 Vio. Ay, and what am I to do this too. {Afcde.) I 
 
 am all Obedience, Sir ; I care not how foon I change my 
 Condition. 
 
 Flo, But little does he think what Change fhe means. 
 
 {Afide, 
 
 Pedro, Well faid, Violante 1 am glad to find her fo 
 
 willing to leave the World, but it is wholly owing to my 
 prudent Management ; did fhe know that fhe might 
 command her Fortune when fhe came at Age, or upon the 
 
 Day of Marriage, perhaps fhe'd change her Note. 
 
 But I have always told her that her Grandfather left it 
 with this Provifo, That fhe turned Nun ; now a fmall Part 
 of this twenty thoufand Pounds provides for her in the 
 Nunnery, and the reft is my own ; there is notl)ing to be 
 got in this Life without Policy. {Afcde.) Well, Child, I 
 am going into the Country for two or three Days, to 
 
 fettle fonie Affairs with thy Uncle. And then Come 
 
 help me on with my Cloak, Child. 
 
 Via. Yes, Sir. [Exit Pedro and Violante. 
 
 Flo So now for the Colonel. {Goes to' the Chamber- 
 Door^ Hift, hifl. Colonel. \Colonel peepmg. 
 
 Col. Is the Coafl: clear? 
 
 Flo. Yes, if you can climb ; for you muft get over the 
 Wafh-Houfe, and jump from the Garden-Wall into the 
 Street. 
 
 Col. Nay, nay, I don't value my Neck if my Incognita 
 anfwers but thy Lady's Promife. [Exit Col. and Flora. 
 
 Re-enter Pedro and Violante. 
 
 Pedro. Good by, Violante, take care of thyfelf, Child. 
 
 Vio. I wifh you a good Journey, Sir. — Now^ to fet my 
 Prifoner at Liberty. [Enter Felix behind Violante. 
 
 Fel. I have lain perdue under the Stairs, till I watch'd 
 the old Man out. 
 
 Vio. So, Sir, you may appear. [Goes to the Door. 
 
 Fel. May he fo, Madam ? — I had Caufe for my Sufpi- 
 cion, I find, treacherous Woman. 
 
 Vio. Ha, Felix here ! Nay, then, all's difcover'd. 
 
 Fel. ( Draws.) Villain, whoe'er thou art, come out I 
 charge thee, and take the Reward of thy adulterous Errand. 
 
 C 3 Vio. 
 
54 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Vio, What fhall I fay ? Nothing but the Secret 
 
 which I have fworn to keep can reconcile this Quarrel. 
 
 {Afide, 
 
 Fel. A Coward ! Nay, then Til fetch you out, think 
 not to hide thyfelf ; no, by St. Anthony, an Altar fhould 
 not protedl thee, even there Pd reach thy Heart, tho' all 
 the Saints were arm'd in thy Defence. '\Exit. 
 
 Vio. Defend me Heaven ! What fhall I do ? I mufl 
 difcover Jfabella, or here will be Murder. 
 
 Enter Flora. 
 Flo, I have helped the Colonel off clear, Madam. 
 Vio, Say'fl thou fo, my Girl ? then I am arm'd. 
 
 Re-enter Felix. 
 
 Fel. Where has the Devil in Compliance to your Sex 
 conveyed him from my juft Refentments 
 
 Vio. Him, who do you mean. my dear inquifitive Spark.^ 
 Ha, ha, ha. will you never leave thefe jealous Whims ? 
 
 Fel. Will you never ceafe to impofe upon me ? 
 
 Vio. You impofe upon yourfelf, my Dear; do you think 
 I did not fee you ? Yes, I did, and refolved to put this 
 Trick upon you ; I knew you'd take the Hint, and foon 
 relapfe into your wonted Error : How eafily your Jealoufy 
 is fired ? I fhall have a bleffed Life with you. 
 
 Fel. Was there nothing in it then, but only to try me 1 
 
 Vio, Won't you believe your Eyes 1 
 
 Fel. No, becaufe I fmd they have deceived me ; well, I 
 am convinced that Faith is as neceffaryin Love as in Re- 
 ligion ; for the Moment a Man lets a Woman know her 
 Conqueft, he refigns his Senfes, and fees nothing but 
 what fhe'd have him. 
 
 Vio. And as foon as that Man finds his Love returned, 
 fhe becomes as errant a Slave, as if fhe had already faid 
 after the Priefl. 
 
 Fel. The Priefl, Violante would diffipate thofe Fears 
 which caufe thefe Quarrels ; when wilt thou make me 
 happy 1 
 
 Vio, To-morrow, I will tell ihee ; my Father is gone 
 for two or three Days to my Uncle's, we have Time 
 
 enough to finifh our Affairs But prithee leave me now, 
 
 for I expedl fome Ladies to vifit me. 
 
 Fel, 
 
A Woman keeps o^Secret. 55 
 
 FeL If you command it. — Fly fwift ye Hours, and 
 bring To morrow on. — You defire I wou'd leave you, 
 Violante. 
 Vio, I do at prefent. 
 
 FeL So much you reign the Sovereign of my Soiil^ 
 
 That I obey without the leajl Controul. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Ifabella. 
 
 Ifab. I am glad my Brother and you are reconcil'd, my 
 Dear, and the Colonel efcap'd without his Knowledge ; I 
 was frighted out of my Wits when I heard him return. — 
 I know not how to exprefs my Thanks, Woman — for what 
 you fuffer'd for my Sake, my grateful Acknowledgments 
 fhall ever wait you ; and to the World proclaim the Faith, 
 Truth, and Honour of a Woman. 
 
 Vio, Prithee don't compliment thy Friend, Ifabella. — 
 You heard the Colonel, I fuppofe ? 
 
 Ifab. Every Syllable, and am pleas'd to find I do not 
 love in vain. 
 
 Vio. Thou hafl caught his Heart, it feems; and an 
 Hour hence may fecure his Perfon. — Thou hafl made 
 hafly Work on't, Girl. 
 
 Ifab. From hence I draw my Happinefs, we fhall have 
 no Accounts to make up after Confummation. 
 
 She who for Years, protra6ls her Lovefs Paijt, 
 And makes him wifJi, and wait, and fgh in vain, 
 To be his Wife, when late fhe gives Confent, 
 Finds half his Pafjion was in CourtfJiip fpent ; 
 Whilfi they who boldly all Delays remove^ 
 Find every Hour a frefh Sttpply of Love. 
 
 ACT V. 
 
 SCENE, Frederick's Hoiife. 
 
 Enter Felix aiid Frederick. 
 Fel. nnniS Hour has been propitious, I am recon- 
 X cil'dto Violante, 2C[i^ you affure me Antonio 
 is out of Danger. 
 
 Fred. Your Satisfa(fbion is doubly mine. 
 
 C 4 Enter 
 
56 77/^ W O N D E R : 
 
 Enter Liffardo. 
 
 FeL What Hafle you made, Sirrah, to bring me Word 
 if Violante went home ? 
 
 Liff. I can give you very good Reafons for my Stay, 
 Sir — Yes, Sir, (he went home. 
 
 Fred, O ! Your Mafler knows that, for he has been 
 there himself, Li[fardo. 
 
 Liff'. Sir, may I beg the Favour of your Ear ? 
 
 Fel. What have you to fay ? [ Whi/pers, and Felix 
 
 feems uneafy, 
 
 Fred, Ha, Felix changes Colour at LiJJ'ardd's News. 
 What can it be ? 
 
 FeL A Scots Footman, that belongs to Colonel Brit ton ^ 
 an Acquaintance of Frederick's^ fay you ? the Devil ! If 
 fhe be falfe, by Heaven I'll trace her. Prithee, Frederick^ 
 do you know one Colonel Britton^ a Scotsman ? 
 
 Fred. Yes, why do you afk me ? 
 
 Fel. Nay, no great Matter ; but my Man tells me that 
 he has had fome little Difference with a Servant of his, 
 that's all. 
 
 Fred. He is a good harmlefs innocent Fellow, I am 
 forry for it ; the Colonel lodges in my House, I knew 
 him formerly in England^ and met him here by Accident 
 laft Night, and gave him an Invitation home; he is a 
 Gentlemen of a good Eftate, befides his Commiffion ; of 
 excellent Principles, and ftrict Honour, I affureyou. 
 
 Fel. Is he a Man of Intrigue ? 
 
 Fred. Like other Men, I fuppofe, here he comes 
 
 [Enter Colonel. 
 
 Colonel, I began to think I had loft you. 
 
 Col. — And not without fome Reafons, if you knew all. 
 
 Fel. There's no Danger of a fine Gentleman's being 
 loft in this Town, Sir. 
 
 Col. That Compliment don't belong to me. Sir. But 
 I affure you I have been very near being run away with. 
 
 Fred. Who attempted it ? 
 
 Col. Faith, I know her not — Only that fhe is a charm- 
 ing Woman, I mean as much as I faw of her. 
 
 FeL My Heart fweils with Apprehension. — Some acci- 
 dental Rencounter. 
 
 Fred. A Tavern, I fuppofe, adjufted the Matter. — 
 
 Col. A Tavern ! No, no, Sir, fhe is above that Rank, 
 
 laf- 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 
 
 57 
 
 I affure you ; this Nymph fleeps in a Velvet Bed, and 
 Lodgings every Way agreeable. 
 
 Fel. Ha, a Velvet Bed ! — I thought you faid but now, 
 Sir, you knew her not. 
 
 CoL No more I don't. Sir. 
 
 Fel. How came you then fo well acquainted with her 
 Bed? 
 
 Fred, Ay, ay, come, come, unfold. 
 
 Col, Why then you mufl know, Gentlemen, that I was 
 convey'd to her Lodgings, by one of Cupid's Emiffaries, 
 caird a Chambermaid, in a Chair, thro' fifty blind Alleys, 
 who, by the help of a Key, let me into a Garden. 
 
 FeL S'Death, a Garden, this muft be Violante^s Gar- 
 den. {^Afide. 
 
 Col. From thence condu61ed me into a fpacious Room, 
 then dropt me a Courtesy, told me her Lady would wait 
 on me prefently ; fo, without unvailing, modeftly with- 
 drew. 
 
 Fel. Damn her Modefly ; this was Flora. {Afcde. 
 Fred, Well, how then Colonel? 
 
 Col. Then Sir, immediately from another Door iffued 
 forth a Lady, arm'd at both Eyes ; from whence fuch 
 Showers of Darts fell round me, that had I not been co- 
 ver'd with the Shield of another Beauty, I had infallibly 
 fall'n a Martyr to her Charms ; for you mufl know I just 
 faw her Eyes : Eyes, did I say? No, no, hold, I faw but 
 one Eye, tho' I fuppofe it had a Fellow, equally as 
 killing. 
 
 Fel. But how came you to fee her Bed, Sir? S'Death, 
 this Expedlation gives a thoufand Racks. \^^i/ide. 
 
 Col. Whv, upon her Maid's giving Notice her Father 
 was coming, fhe thrust me into the Bed- Chamber. 
 
 Fel. Upon her Father's coming ? 
 
 Col. Ay, fo fhe faid ; but putting my Ear to the Key- 
 hole of the Door, I found it was another Lover. 
 
 Fel. Confound the jilt ! 'Twas fhe without Difpute. 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Fred. Ah poor Colonel, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Col. I difcover'd they had had a Quarrel, but whether 
 they were reconcil'd or not, I can't tell, for the fecond 
 Alarm brought the Father in good earnefl, and had like 
 C 5 to 
 
58 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 to have made the Gentleman and I acquainted, but (he 
 found fome other Stratagem to convey him out. 
 
 FeL Contagion feize her, and make her Body ugly as 
 her Soul. There's nothing left to doubt of now, — Tis 
 plain 'twas fhe Sure he knows me, and takes this Me- 
 thod to infult me ; S'Death, I cannot bear it. \^Afide. 
 
 Fred, So, when fhe had difpatched her old Lover, fhe 
 paid you a Vifit in her Bed- Chamber, ha. Colonel ? 
 
 CoL No, Pox take the impertinent Puppy, he fpoil'd 
 my Diverfion, I faw her no more. 
 
 FeL Vory fine j give me Patience, Heaven, or I fhall 
 burfl with Rage. {^Aside, 
 
 Fred, That was hard. 
 
 Col, Nay, what was worfe, the Nymph that introduced 
 me convey'd me out again over the Top of a high Wall, 
 where I ran the Danger of having my Neck broke, for 
 the Father, it feems, had lock'd the Door by which I 
 enter'd. 
 
 FeL That Way I mifs'd him : Damn her Invention. 
 
 {A/ide), Pray Colonel, was this the fame Lady you met 
 upon the Terriero de pajja this Morning? 
 
 CoL Faith I can't tell. Sir, I had a Defign to know 
 who that Lady was, but my Dog of a Footman, whom I 
 had order'd to watch her home, fell fafl afleep — I gave 
 him a good beating for his Negle6l, and I have never 
 feen the Rafcal fmce. 
 
 Fred, Here he comes. 
 
 Enter Gibby. 
 
 CoL Where have you been. Sirrah ? 
 
 Gib, Troth Ife been feeking yee an like yer Honour 
 thefe twa Hoors an meer, I bring yee glad Teedings, Sir. 
 
 CoL What have you found the Lady ? 
 
 Gib, Geud Faite ha I, Sir — an fhee's called Donna 
 Violante, and her Parent Don Pedro de Mendo/a, an 
 gin yee wull gang wa mi, an't like ye'r Honour, Ife mak 
 you ken the Hufe right weel. 
 
 FeL O Torture ! Torture ! [Afide. 
 
 CoL Ha ! Violante ! That's the Lady's Name of the 
 Houfe where my Incognita is, fure it could not be her,at 
 leafl it was not the fame Houlfe I'm confident. [A/ide, 
 
 Fred, 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 
 
 59 
 
 Fi^ed, Violante ! 'Tis falfe, I wou'd not have you credit 
 him, Colonel. 
 
 Gib. The Deel burfl my Blader, Sir, gin I lee. 
 
 FeL Sirrah, I fay you do lye, and Til make you eat 
 it, you Dog. {kicks him) And if your M after will justify 
 you. 
 
 Col. Not faith Sir, — I anfwer for no body's Lyes but 
 my own, if you please, kick him again. 
 
 Gib. But gin he dus, Ife ne take it, Sir, gin he was a 
 thousand Spaniards, \%valks about in a Paffion. 
 
 CoL I ow'd you a beating. Sirrah, and Fm obliged to 
 this Gentleman for taking the Trouble off my Hands ; 
 therefore say no more, d'ye hear, Sir ? [A/cde to Gibby. 
 
 Gib. Troth de I Sir, and feel tee. 
 
 Fred. This mufl be a Mistake, Colonel, for I know Vi~ 
 olaiite perfe(5lly well, and Fm certain fhe would not meet 
 you upon the Terriero de pajfa. 
 
 Col. Don't be too positive, Federiek^ now I have fome 
 Reafons to believe it was that very Lady. 
 
 Fel. You'd very much oblige me, Sir, if you'd let me 
 know thefe Reasons. 
 
 Col. Sir. 
 
 Fel. Sir, I fay I have a Right to enquire into those Rea- 
 fons yon fpeak off. 
 
 Col. Ha, ha, really Sir I cannot conceive how you, or 
 any Man can have a Right to enquire into my Thoughts. 
 
 Fel. Sir, I have a Right to every Thing that relates to 
 Violante — And he that traduces her Fame, and refufes to 
 give his Reafons for't, is a Villain. {^Draws. 
 
 Col. What the Devil have I been doing ; now Blifters 
 on my Tongue, by Dozens. {^Afide. 
 
 Fred. Prithee Felix don't quarrel, till you know for 
 what ; this is all a Miflake Fm positive. 
 
 CoL Look ye. Sir, that I dare draw my Sword I think 
 will admit of no Dispute — But tho' fighting's my Trade, 
 Fm not in Love with it, and think it more honourable to 
 decline this Bufinefs, than pursue it. This may be a Mif- 
 take ; however, I'll give you my Honour never to have 
 any Affair diredlly or indire(5lly with Violante^ provided 
 fhe is your Violante ; but if there fhou'd happen to be an- 
 other of her Name, I hope you wou'd not engrofs all the 
 Violantes in the Kingdom. 
 
 C 6 FeL 
 
6o 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Fel. Your Vanity has given me fufficient Reasons to 
 believe Pm not miftaken ; Fm not to be imposed up- 
 on, Sir. 
 
 Col, Nor I bull/d, Sir. 
 
 FeL Bully'd ! S'Death, fuch another Word, and Til 
 nail thee to the Wail. 
 
 Col. Are you sure of that, Spaniard. {Draws. 
 
 Gib. {Draws] Say ne meer Mon, aw my Sol here's 
 Twa to Twa, donna fear Sir, Gibby flonds by ye for the 
 l^onor 2^ Scotland. {Vapours about. 
 
 Fred. By St. Anthony you fhan't fight {interposes) on 
 bare Suspicion, be certain of the Injury, and then. 
 
 Fel. That I will this Moment, and then, Sir — I hope 
 you are to be found. 
 
 Col. Whenever you pleafe, Sir. {Ezit F'elix. 
 
 Gib. S'Bleed, Sir, there neer was Scotsman yet that 
 fham'd to fhew his Face. {ftrutting about. 
 
 Fred. So, Quarrels fpringup like Mufhrooms, in a Mi- 
 nute : Violante^ and he, was but jufl reconcil'd, and you 
 have furnifh'd him with frefh Matter for falling out again, 
 and I am certain. Colonel, Gibby is in the Wrong. 
 
 Gib. Gin I be Sir, the Mon that tald me leed, and gin 
 he dud, the Deel be my Landlard, Hell my Winter* Quar- 
 ters, and a Rope my Winding Sheet, Gin I dee no lik 
 him as lang as I can hold a Stick in my Hond, now 
 see yee. 
 
 Col. I am forry for what I have faid,for the Lady's Sake, 
 but who could divine, that Ihe was his Mifhress ; prithee 
 who is this warm Spark 
 
 Fred. He is the Son of one of our Grandees, nam'd 
 Don Lopez de Pe^nentell^ a very honefl Gentleman, but 
 fomething paffionate in what relates to his Love — He is 
 an only Son, which perhaps may be one Reason for in- 
 dulging his Paffion. 
 
 Col. When Parents have but one Child, they either 
 make a Madman, or a Fool of him. 
 
 Fred. He is not the only Child, he has a Sifter ; but I 
 think, thro' the Severity of his Father, who would have 
 married her againft her Inclination, fhe has made her Ef- 
 cape, and notwithstanding he has offer'd five hundred 
 Pounds, he can get no Tydings of her. 
 
 CoL Ha ! How long has fhe been miffing ? 
 
 Fred. 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 6i 
 
 Fred. Nay, but fmce lafl Night, it feems. 
 Col. Lafl Night ! The very Time ! How went fhe? 
 Fred, No body can tell, they conje6lure thro' the Win- 
 dow. 
 
 Col. Tm tranfported ! This mufl be the Lady I caught ; 
 what fort of a Woman is fhe ? 
 
 Fred. Middle fiz'd, a lovely brown, a fine, pouting 
 Lip, Eyes that roul and languifh, and feem to fpeak the 
 exquifite Pleafure that her Arms could give ! 
 
 Col. Oh ! Fm fir'd with his Defcription — 'Tis the very 
 fhe — What's her Name ? 
 
 Fred. Ifabella — You are tran/ported, Colonel. 
 
 Col. I have a natural Tendency in me to the Flefh, 
 thou know'fh, and who can hear of Charms fo exquifite, 
 and yet remain unmov'd 1 Oh, how I long for the ap- 
 pointed Hour 1 ril to the Terriero de paffa^ and wait my 
 Happinefs ; if fhe fails to meet me, Til once more attempt 
 to find her at Violante^s in fpite of her Brother'^- Jealousy. 
 {A/cde) Dear Frederick, I beg your Pardon, but I had 
 forgot, I was to meet a Gentleman upon Bufmess at Five, 
 I'll endeavour to difpatch him, and wait on you again as 
 soon as poffible. 
 
 Fred. Your humble Servant, Colonel. \Exit, 
 
 Col, Gibby^ I have no Bufmefs with you at prefent 
 
 {Exit Colonel, 
 
 Gib, That's weel — naw will I gang and feek this Loon, 
 
 and gar him gang with me to Don Pedro's Hufe Gin 
 
 he'll no gang of himfel, Ife gar him gang by the Lug, 
 Sir ; Godfwarbit Gibby hates a Lear. {Exit, 
 
 Scene changes to Violante'j' Lodgings, 
 
 Enser Viol ante and Ifabella. 
 Isab. The Hour draws on, Violantej3.nd now my Heart 
 
 begins to fail me, but I refolve to venture for all that. 
 Vio. What does your Courage fmk, Isabella, 
 Isab. Only the Force of Refolution a little retreated, 
 
 but I'll rally it again for all that. 
 
 Enter Flora. 
 Flo. Don Felix is coming up. Madam. 
 Isab, My Brother ! Which Way fhall I get out— Dif- 
 patch 
 
62 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 patch him as foon as you can, dear Violante. {Exit 
 
 into the Closet. 
 
 Vio. I will. {Enter Felix i7t a surly Pojiure^ Felix ^ 
 what brings you back fo foon, did not I fay to-morrow ? 
 
 FeL My Paffion choaks me, I cannot fpeak, oh, I fhall 
 burfl ! {A/ule.) [Throws himf elf into a Chair, 
 
 Vio, Blefs me ! are you uot weil, my Felix! 
 
 Fel. Yes, — No, — I don't know what I am. 
 
 Vio. Hey Day ! What's the Matter now.^ Another jea- 
 lous Whim ! 
 
 Fel, With what an Air fhe carries it. 1 fweat at her 
 
 Impudence. [A/cde. 
 
 Vio, If I were in your Place, Felix, Pd chufe to flay 
 at home, when thefe Fits of Spleen were upon me, and 
 not trouble fuch Perfons as are not oblig'd to bear with 
 them. {Here he affects to be carelefs of her. 
 
 Fel, I am very fenfible, Madam, of what you mean : 
 I dflurb you no doubt, but were I in a better Humour, I 
 fhou'd not incommode you lefs. I am but too well con- 
 vinced, that you could eafily difpense with my Vifit. 
 
 Vio. When you behave yourfelf as you ought to do, no 
 Company fo welcome — But when vou referve me for your 
 ill Nature, I wave your Merit, and confider what's due 
 to myfelf — And I muft be fo free to tell you, Felix, that 
 thefe Humours of yours will abate, if not abfolutely de- 
 flroy, the very Principles of Love. 
 
 Fel. {Rifing) And I muR be so free to tell you, Madam, 
 that lince you have made fuch ill Returns to the Refpe6l 
 that I have paid you, all you do fhall be indifferent to me 
 for the Future, and you fhall find me abandon your Em- 
 pire with fo little Difficulty, that I'll convince the World 
 your Chains are not fo hard to break as your Vanity would 
 
 tempt you to believe 1 cannot brook the Provocation 
 
 you give. 
 
 Vio. This is not to be born — Insolent ! You abandon ! 
 You ! Whom I have fo often forbad ever to fee me more ! 
 Have you net fali'n at my Feet Implor'd my Favour 
 and Forgivenefs — Did you not trembling wait, and wiHi, 
 and figh, and fwear yourfelf into my Heart ? Ingrateful 
 Man ! If my Chains are fo eafily broke as you pretend, 
 then you are the filliest Coxcomb living, you did not 
 break 'em leng ago ; and I mufl think him capable of 
 
 brooking 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 63 
 
 brooking any thing on whom fach Ufage could make no 
 Impreffion. 
 
 I fab. {Peeping) A Duce take your Quarrels, fhe'll ne- 
 ver think on me. 
 
 Pel. I always believed, Madam, my Weaknefs was the 
 greatefl Addition to your Power, you would be le(s im- 
 perious, had my Inclination been lefs forward to oblige 
 you — You have indeed forbad me your Sight, but your 
 Vanity even then affured you I would return, and I was 
 
 Fool enough to feed your Pride. Your Eyes, with all 
 
 their boafted Charms, have acquired the greatefl Glory 
 
 in conquering me. And the brightefl Paffage of your 
 
 Life is, wounding this Heart with fuch Arms as pierce but 
 few Perfons of my Rank. [ Walks about in a great Pet, 
 
 Vio. Matchlefs Arrogance ! True Sir, I fhould have kept 
 Meafures better with you, if the Conquefl had been worth 
 preferving, but we eafily hazard what gives us no Pain to 
 
 lofe As for my Eyes, you are miftaken if you think 
 
 they have vanquifhed none but you ; there are Men above 
 your boafled Rank who have confeff 'd their Power, when 
 their Misfortune in pleafmg you made them obtain fuch 
 a difgraceful Vi6lory. 
 
 FeL Yes, Madam, I am no Stranger to your Victories. 
 
 Vio. And what you call the brightefl Paffage of my Life, 
 is not the leafl glorious Part of yours. 
 
 Pel. Ha, ha, do^nt put yourfelf into a Paffion, Ma- 
 dam, fori affure you, after this Day, I fhallgive you no 
 Trouble — You may meet your Sparks on the Perriero de 
 Pajfa at Four in the Morning, without the leafl Regard of 
 
 mine For when I quit your Chamber, the World fhan't 
 
 bring me back. 
 
 Vio. I am fo well pleased with your Refolution, I don^t 
 care how foon you take your Leave. — But what you mean 
 by the Pe7'riero de Paffa at Four in the Morning, I can't 
 guefs. 
 
 Fel. No, no, no, not you You was not upon the 
 
 Pei^riero de Paffa at Four this Morning. 
 
 Vio. No, I was not ; but if I [was, I hope I may walk 
 where I plcafe, and at what Hour I pleafe, without afk- 
 ing you Leave. 
 
 Pel. Oh, doubtlefs, Madam ! And you might meet Co- 
 lonel Brittoii there, and afterwards fend your Emiffary to 
 
 fetch 
 
The WONDER. 
 
 -And upon your Father's 
 
 coming in, thrufl him into your Bed-Chamber — without 
 afking my Leave. 'Tis no Bufmefs of mine if you are ex- 
 pofed among all the Footmen in Town — Nay, if they Bal- 
 lad you, and cry you about at a Halfpenny a-piece 
 
 They may, without my Leave. 
 
 Vio. Audacious ! Don't provoke me — don't ; my Re- 
 putation is not to be fported with {Going up to him) at this 
 
 Rate No. Sir, it is not. (bur/Is into Tears) Inhuman 
 
 Felix I Oh, I/abella, what a Train of Ills haft thou 
 brought on me \_A/ide. 
 
 FeL Ha ! I cannot bear to fee her weep — A Woman's 
 Tears are far more fatal than our Swords. ( A/ide.) Oh, 
 Violante — S' Death ! what a Dog am I ? Now have I no 
 Power to ftir ; — Doft not thou know fuch a Person as Co- 
 lonel Britton ? Prithee telt me, didft not thou meet him at 
 Four this Morning upon the Terriero de PaJJa ? 
 
 Vio. Were it not to clear my Fame, I would not an- 
 fwer thee, thou black Ingrate ! — But I cannot bear to be 
 reproach'd with what I even blufh to think of, much lefs 
 to a6l ; by Heaven, I have not feen the Terriero de Pajja 
 this Day. 
 
 Fel. Did not a Scots Footman attack you in the Street 
 neither, Violante? 
 
 Vio. Yes, but he miftook me for another, or he was 
 drunk, I know not which. 
 
 Fel. And do not you know this Scots Colonel? 
 
 Vio. Pray afk me no more Queftions, this Night ftiall 
 clear miy Reputation, and leave you without Excufe for 
 your bafe Sufpicions ; more than this I fhall not latisfy 
 you, therefore pray leave me. 
 
 FeL Didft thou ever love me, Violante f 
 
 Vio. I'll anfwer nothing. — You was in Hafte to be gone 
 juft now, I fhould be very well pleas'd to be alone. Sir. 
 
 Fel. I ftiall net long interrupt your Contemplation. — 
 
 Vio. Did ever Woman involve herfelf as I have done? 
 
 Fel. Now would I give one of my Eyes to be Friends 
 wit her ; for fomething whifpers to my Soul fhe is not 
 guilty. — (He pau/es, then pulls a Chair, and /its by her at 
 a little Diflance, looking at her font c tiine without /peaking — 
 
 \_She fits down, and turns ajide. 
 
 Stubborn to the laft. 
 
 {Af^de. 
 
 Then 
 
A Woman keeps (^Secret. 65 
 
 Then draws a little nearer to her.) Give me your Hand 
 at Parting, however Violante, won't you, {Here he lays his 
 open upon her Knee feveral times) won't you — won't you — 
 won't you ! 
 
 Via. {Half regarding hii^t) Won't I do what ? 
 Fel. You know what I would have, Violante, Oh, my 
 Heart ! 
 
 Vio. {Smiling) I thought my Chains were eafdy broke. 
 {Lays her Hand into his.) 
 
 Fel. {Draws his Chair clofe to her., and kijfes her Hand 
 in a Rapture.) Too well thou knowefl thy Strength. — Oh 
 my charming Angel, my Heart is all thy own. Forgive 
 my hafly Paffion ; 'tis the Tranfport of a Love fmcere ! 
 
 Don Pedro within. 
 
 Pedro. Bid Sancho get a new Wheel to my Chariot pre- 
 fently. 
 
 Vio. Blefs me ! My Father return'd ! What lhall we do 
 now, Felix f We are ruin'd, paft Redemption. 
 
 Fel. No, no, no, my Love ; I can leap from thy Clo- 
 fet Window. [Runs to the Door where Ifabella is, who 
 claps too the Door, and bolts it within fide. 
 
 Ifab. {Peeping) Say you fo : But I fhall prevent you. 
 
 Fel. Confufion ! Some Body bolts the Door within- 
 fide ; ril fee who you have conceal'd here, if I die for't : 
 Oh Violante! haft thou again facrific'd me to my Rival? 
 
 {Draws. 
 
 Vio. By Heaven thou hafl no Rival in my Heart, let 
 
 that fuffice Nay, fure you will not let my Father find 
 
 you here Diflradlion ! 
 
 Fel, Indeed but I fhall — except you command this Door 
 to be open'd, and that Way conceal me from his Sight. 
 
 {He Jlruggles with her to come to the Door, 
 
 Vio. Here me, Felix — Though I were fure the refufmg 
 what you afk would feparate us for ever, by all that's pow- 
 erful you fhall not enter here . Either you do love me, or 
 you do not ; convince me by your Obedience. 
 
 Fel. That's not the Matter in debate — I will know who 
 is in this Clofet, let the Confequence be what it will. Nay, 
 nay, nay, you flrive in vain ; I will go in. 
 
 Vio. You fhall not go in- 
 
 VOL. III. Enter 
 
66 
 
 The WONDER: 
 
 Enter Don Pedro. 
 Ped, Heyday! What's here to do? I will go in, and 
 you fhan't go in — and, I will go in — Why, who are you, 
 Sir ? 
 
 FeL 'Sdeath ! What (hall I fay now ! 
 
 Ped. Don, Felix^ pray, what's your Bufmefs in my 
 Houfe? Ha, Sir? 
 
 Vio. Oh Sir, what Miracle returned you home fo foon ? 
 Some Angel 'twas that brought my Father back to fuc- 
 
 cour the diflrefs'd This Ruffian he, I cannot call him 
 
 Gentleman has committed fuch an uncommon Rude- 
 
 nefs, as the mofl profligate Wretch would be afham'd 
 to own 
 
 FeL Ha, what the Devil does fhe mean ! {Afide. 
 
 Vio. As I was at my Devotion in my Clofet, I heard a 
 loud knocking at our Door, mix'd with a Woman's Voice, 
 which feem'd to imply fhe was in Danger. 
 
 FeL I am confounded ! {Aftde, 
 
 Vio. I flew to the Door with utmofl Speed, where a 
 Lady vail'd rufh'd in upon me ; who, falling on her Knees, 
 begged my Protedlion, from a Gentleman, who, flie faid, 
 purfued her : I took Compafflon on her Tears, and locked 
 her into his Clofet ; but in the Surprize having left open 
 the Door, this very Perfon whom you fee, with his Sword 
 drawn, ran in, protefl:ing, if I refus'd to give her up to 
 his Revenge, he'd force the Door. 
 
 FeL What in the Name of Goodnefs does fhe mean to 
 do ! Hang me ! \Afide. 
 
 Vio. I ftrove with him till I was out of Breath, and had 
 you not come as you did, he mufl have enter'd — But he's 
 in Drink, 1 fuppofe, or he could not have been guilty of 
 fuch an Indecorum. [Leering at Felix. 
 
 Ped. I'm amazed ! 
 
 FeL The Devil never fail'd a Woman at a Pinch : 
 
 What a Tale has fhe form'd in a minute In Drink, 
 
 quotha ; a good hint : I'll lay hold on't to bring myfelf 
 off. lAfide. 
 
 Ped. Fie Don Felix ! No fooner rid of one Broil, but 
 you are commencing another. — To affault a Lady with a 
 naked Sword, derogates much from the Character of a 
 Gentleman, I affure you. 
 
 FeL {Counterfeits Drunkenefs) Who, I affault a Lady, 
 
 upon 
 
A Woman keeps ^Secret. 67 
 
 upon Honour the Lady affaulted me, Sir; and would 
 
 have feiz'd this Body Politick upon the King's Highway 
 
 let her come out, and deny it if fhe can— pray, Sir, 
 
 command the Door to be opened, and let her prove me a 
 
 Lyar if fhe knows how 1 have been drinking right 
 
 French Claret, Sir, but I love my own Country for all that. 
 
 Fed. Ay, ay, who doubts it, Sir ? Open the Door, 
 
 Violante, and let the Lady come out. — Come, I warrant 
 thee, he fhan't hurt her. 
 
 Fel. Ay, now which Way will fhe come off? 
 
 Vio. {Unlocks the Door) Come forth, Madam, none fhall 
 dare to touch your Veil — Fil convey you out with Safety, 
 or lofe my Life — I hope fhe underftands me {^Afide, 
 
 Enter Ifabella veiVd^ and croj/es the Stage, 
 
 Ifab. Excellent Girl ! \Exit, 
 
 Pel, The Devil ! A Woman ! Fll fee if fhe be really fo. 
 
 {Offers to follow her. 
 
 Fed. {Draws) Not a Step, Sir, till the Lady be pafl 
 your Recovery — I never fuffer the Laws of Hofpitality to 
 
 be violated in my Houfe, Sir. Pll keep Don Felix here 
 
 till you fee her fafe out, Violante, 
 
 Vol, Get clear of my Father, and follow me to the 
 Terriero de paffa, where all Miflakes fhall be rediified. 
 {AJide to Felix.) [Exit Violante. 
 
 Fed. Come, Sir, you and I will take a Pipe and a Bottle 
 together. 
 
 Fel. Damn your Pipe, Sir, I won't fmoke 1 hate 
 
 Tobacco Nor I, I, I, I won't drink, Sir — No, nor I 
 
 won't flay, neither, and how will you help yourfelf .'^ 
 
 Fed. As to fmoking, or drinking, you have your Li- 
 berty, but you fhall flay, Sir. {Gets between him a?td 
 the Door, Felix Jirikes up his Heels and Exit, 
 
 Fel. Shall I fo. Sir But I tell you, old Gentleman, 
 
 I am in hafle to be married And fo God be with you. 
 
 Fed. Go to the Devil — In hafle to get married, quotha, 
 thou art in a fine Condition to get married, truly ! 
 
 Enter a Serva^it. 
 
 Ser. Here's Don Lopez de Feinentel to wait on you 
 Senior. 
 
 Fed. 
 
68 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Ped, What the Devil does he want ? Bring him up, 
 he's in purfuit of his Son, I fuppofe. 
 
 Enter Don Lopez. 
 
 Lop. I am glad to find you at Home, Don Pedro , I 
 
 was told you was feen upon the Road to this 
 
 Afternoon. 
 
 Ped, That might be, my Lord ; but I had the Misfor- 
 tune to break the Wheel of my Chariot, which obliged 
 me to return — What is your Pleafure with me, my Lord ? 
 
 Lop. I am informed that my Daughter is in your Houfe, 
 Don Pedro. 
 
 Ped. That's more than I know, my Lord ; but here 
 was your Son jufl now as drunk as an Emperor. 
 
 Lop. My Son drunk ! I never saw him drunk in my 
 Life ; where is he, pray, Sir ? 
 
 Ped. Gone to be married. 
 
 Lop. Married ! To whom 1 I don't know that he court- 
 ed any Body. 
 
 Ped. Nay, I know nothing of that Within there ! 
 
 (Enter Servant^ bid my Daughter come hither, fhe'll tell 
 you another Story, my Lord. 
 
 Ser. She's gone out in a Chair, Sir. 
 
 Ped. Out in a Chair ! What do you mean. Sir ? 
 
 Ser. As I fay, Sir ; and Donna Ifabella went in another 
 jufl before her. 
 
 Ser. And Don Felix followed in another ; I overheard 
 them all bid the Chairs go to Terriero de paj/a. 
 
 Ped. Ha! What Bufinefs has my Daughter there? I 
 
 am confounded, and know not what to think. Within 
 
 there. [Exit. 
 
 Lop. My Heart mifgives me plaguily Call me an 
 
 Alguazil^ I'll purfue them ftrait. 
 
 Scene changes to the Street before Don Vtdxd'sHou/e. 
 
 Enter Liffardo. 
 
 Lijf. I wifh I cou'd fee Flora Methinks I have an 
 
 hankering Kindnefs after the Slut — We muflbe reconcil'd. 
 
 Enter Gibby. 
 
 Gibb. Aw my Sol, Sir, but Ife blithe to find yee here 
 now. LiJ\ 
 
A Woman keeps Secret. 69 
 
 Liff. Ha ! Brother ! Give me thy Hand, Boy. 
 
 Gib. Not fe fafl, fe ye me — Brether me ne Brethers, I 
 fconi a Lyar as muckle as a Theife, fe ye now, and yee 
 mufl gang intul this Houfe with me, and juftifie to Donna 
 Vlolant^s Face, that (he v/as the Lady that gang'd in here 
 this Morn, fe yee me, or the Deel ha my Sol, Sir, but 
 ye and I fhall be twa Folks. 
 
 LiJ/'. Juflify it to Donna Violante^s Face, quotha, for 
 what ? Sure you don't know what you fay. 
 
 Gib, Troth de I, Sir, as weel as ye dee ; therefore come 
 along, and mak no meer Words about it. 
 
 [Knocks hajlily at the Door, 
 
 Liff". Why, what the Devil do you mean } Don't you 
 confider you are in Portugal? Is the Fellow mad 1 
 
 Gib. Fallow ! Ife none of your Fallow, Sir, and gin this 
 Place were Hell, id gar ye dee me Juflice, [Liff. goijig) 
 nay, the Deel a Feet ye gang. \Lays hold of him ^ and 
 
 knocks again. 
 
 Enter Don Pedro. 
 Ped. How now ! what makes you knock fo loud .-^ 
 Gib. Gin this be Don Pedro's Houfe, Sir, I wou'd fpeak 
 with Do7ina Violante, his Daughter. 
 
 Lijf. Ha ! Don Pedro himfelf ! I wifh I were fairly off. 
 
 lAfide. 
 
 Ped. Ha ! what is it you want with my Daughter, 
 pray ? 
 
 Gib. An fhe be your Doughter, and lik yer Honour, 
 command her to come out, and anfwer for herfelf now, 
 and either juflify or difprove what this Child told me 
 this Morn. 
 
 Liff, So, here will be a fine Piece of Work. \^Afcde, 
 
 Ped. Why, what did he tell you ha ? 
 
 Gib. Be me Sol, Sir, Ife tell you aw the Truth ; my 
 Mailer got a pratty Lady upon the how de yee calFt— 
 Paff'a here at Five this Morn, and he gar me watch her 
 heam — And in Troth I lodg'd her here, and meeting this 
 ill-favoured Theife, fe ye me, I fpierd wha fhe was — And 
 he told me her Name was Donna Violante^ Don Pedro de 
 Mendo/ds Daughter. 
 
 Ped. Ha 1 My Daughter with a Man abroad at Five in 
 the Morning : Death, Hell, and Furies ; by St. Anthony 
 I'm undone. [Stamps, 
 
 Gib. 
 
70 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Gib, Wunds, Sir, ye put yer Saint intul bony Com- 
 pany. 
 
 Ped, Who is your Mafler, you Dog you? Adfheart, I 
 fhall be trick'd of my Daughter, and my Money too, 
 that's worft of all. 
 
 Gib, Ye Dog you ! 'Sblead, Sir don't call Names — I 
 won't tell you wa my Mafler is, fe ye me now. 
 
 Ped, And who are you, Rafcal, that knows my Daugh- 
 ter fo well 1 Ha ! \Holds up his Cane. 
 
 Liff, What fhall I fay to make him give this Scots Dog 
 a good beating? (A/ule,) I know your Daughter, Senior, 
 Not I, I never faw your Daughter in all my Life. 
 
 Gib, {Knocks him down with his Fiji,) Deel ha my Sol, 
 Sar, gin ye get no your Carich for that Lye now. 
 
 Pedro, What hoa ! Where are all my Servants ? {En- 
 ter Servants on one Side, Colonel, Felix, Ifabella, and Vi- 
 olante on the other Side,) Raife the Houfe in purfuit of 
 my Daughter. 
 
 Serv, Here fhe comes. Senior, 
 
 Col. Hey Day 1 What is here to do ? 
 
 Gib, This is the Loon lik Tik, and lik yer Honor, that 
 fent me Heam with a Lye this Morn. 
 
 Col. Come, 'tis all well, Gibby, let him rife. 
 
 Pedro, I am Thunder flruck and have not Power to 
 
 fpeak one Word. 
 
 Fd, This is a day of Jubilee, LiJ/ardo) no quarrelling 
 with him this Day. 
 
 Lijf, A Pox take his Fifls. Egad, thefe Britons are 
 
 but a Word and a Blow. 
 
 Enter Don Lopez. 
 
 Lop, So, have I found you, Daughter ; then you have 
 not hang'd yourfelf yet, I fee. 
 
 Col, But fhe is married, my Lord. 
 
 Lop, Married ! Zounds, to whom ? 
 
 Col, Even to your humble Servant, my Lord. If you 
 pleafe to give us your Bleffmg {Kneels, 
 
 Lop, Why, hark ye, Miflrefs, are you really married ? 
 
 L/ab, Really fo, my Lord. 
 
 Lop, And who are you. Sir ? 
 
 Col, An honefl North Briton by Birth, and a Colonel 
 by Commiffion, my Lord. 
 
 Lop, 
 
A Woman keeps a Secret. 71 
 
 Lop. A Heretick ! The Devil [Holds up his Hands. 
 
 Pedro. She has plaid you a flippery Trick indeed, my 
 Lord — Well, my Girl, thou haft been to fee thy Friend 
 married. — Next Week thou fhalt have a better Hufband, 
 my Dear. (To Violante.) 
 
 Fel. Next Week is a little too foon, Sir, I hope to live 
 longer than that. 
 
 Pedro. What do you mean, Sir 1 You have not made a 
 Rib of my Daughter too, have you ? 
 
 Vio. Indeed but he has, Sir ; I know not how, but he 
 
 took me in an unguarded Minute, when my Thoughts 
 
 were not over flrong for a Nunnery^ Father. 
 
 Lop, Your Daughter has played you a flippery Trick 
 too, Senior. 
 
 Pedro. But your Son lhall be never the better for't, my 
 Lord ; her twenty Thoufand Pounds was left on certain 
 Conditions, and PU not part with a Shilling. 
 
 Lop. But we have a certain Thing calFd Law, fhall 
 make you do Juflice, Sir. 
 
 Pedro. Well, we'll try that^ my Lord, much good 
 
 may it do you with your Daughter-in Law. [Exit. 
 
 Lop. I wifh you much Joy of your Rib. [Exit, 
 
 Enter Frederick. 
 
 Fel. Frederick^ welcome ! — I fent for thee to be Wit- 
 nefs of my good Fortune, and make one in a Country 
 Dance. 
 
 Fred. Your Meffenger has told me all, and I fmcerely 
 fhare in all your Happinefs. 
 
 Col. To the Right about, Frederick^ wifh thy Friend Joy. 
 
 Fred. I do with all my Soul ; and. Madam, I con- 
 gratulate your Deliverance. — Your Sufpicions are clear'd 
 now, I hope, Felix, 
 
 Fel. They are, and I heartily afk the Colonel Pardon, 
 and wifh him happy with my Sifter ; for Love has taught 
 me to know, that every Man's Happinefs confifls in chu- 
 fmg for himfelf. 
 
 Liff. After tfiat Rule I fix here. \To Flora. 
 
 Flo. That's your Miflake ; I prefer my Lady's Service, 
 and turn you over to her that pleaded Right and Title to 
 you to Day. 
 
 Liff^ 
 
72 
 
 The WONDER 
 
 Liff, Chufe, proud Fool ; I (han't afk you twice. 
 
 Gib. What fay you now, Lafs ; will ye ge yer Maiden- 
 head to poor Gibby, What fay you, will ye dance the 
 
 Reel of Bogye with me ? 
 
 Inis, That I may not leave my Lady, — I take you at 
 your Word, — and tho' our Wooing has been fhort, Til by 
 her Example love you dearly. [Mufic plays. 
 
 Fel. Hark ! I hear the Mufick ; fomebody has done us 
 the Favour to fend them ; call them in. 
 
 A Country Dance. 
 
 Gib. Waunds, this is bonny Mufick. — How caw ye that 
 Thing that ye pinch by the Craig, and tickle the Weam, 
 ont make it cry Grum^ Grum. 
 
 Fred. Oh ! that's a Guittar, Gibby. 
 
 Fel. Now, my Violantey I shall proclaim thy Vertues to 
 the World. 
 
 No more let us thy Sex's ConduH blame, \ 
 Since thou'rt a Proof to their eternal Fame, \ 
 That Man has no Advantage but the Name. ) 
 
 E F I- 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 Spoken by Mifs SANTLOW. 
 
 Written by Mr. Philips. 
 
 f^UJlom with all our Modern Laws combin^d^ 
 
 ^ Has given fuch Power defpotic to Mankind, 
 
 That We have only fo much Vertue now, 
 
 As they are pleased in favour to allow. 
 
 Thus like Mechanic Work w^re us'd with Scorn, 
 
 A7td wound up only, for a prefent Turn ; 
 
 Some are for having our whole Sex enflav'd, 
 
 Affirming we've no Souls, and can't be fav'd ; 
 
 But were the Women all of my Opinion, 
 
 We'd foon fhake off this falfe ufurp'd Dominion ; 
 
 We'd make the Tyrants oiJun, that we cou'd prove, 
 
 As fit for other Bujinefs as for Love. 
 
 Lord ! What Prerogative might we obtain, 
 
 Could we from Yielding, a few Months refrain / 
 
 How fondly wou^d our dangling Lovers doat I 
 
 What homage wou^d be paid to Petticoat / 
 
 'Twou^d be a Jefl to fee the Change of Fate, 
 
 How we might all of Politicks debate ; 
 
 Promife and Swear, what we ne^er meant to do, 
 
 And whafs flill harder, Keep our Secrets too. 
 
 Ay Marry ! Keep a Secret, yj^yj- a Beau, \ 
 
 And fneers at fome ill-natured Wit below ; [ 
 
 But faith, if we fhou^d tell but half we know, ) 
 
 * Alluding to an ironical Pamphlet tending to prove 
 that Women had no Souls. 
 
 D 
 
 There's 
 
EPILOGUE 
 
 Therms many a fpruce young Fellow in this 'Place, 
 Would never more prefume to JJiow his Face ; 
 Women are not fo weak, whatever Men prate ; 
 How many tip top Beaus have had the Fate, 
 Fenjoy fro?n Mammals Secrets their Eflate. 
 Who, if her early Folly had made known, 
 Had rid behind the Coach, thafs now their own. 
 But here, the wondVous ^eoxet you di/cover; 
 
 A Lady ventures for a Friend, a Lover. 
 
 Prodigious. For my Part I frankly own, 
 Pad f polled the Wonder, and the Woman fhown. 
 
The Man's bewitch'd; 
 
 O R, 
 
 The Devil to do about Her. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 As it is Acted at the 
 
 New-Theatre in the Hay- Market, 
 By Her Majesty's Servants. 
 
 D 2 
 
'^l^ <^P|> <^|><^^ 
 
 THE 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 I Should not have troubled my courteous Reader with a 
 Preface, had I not lain under the Necejftty of clearing 
 my/elf of what fome People have been pleafed to charge 
 me with, viz. of being the Author of a Paper calVd^ The 
 Female Tatler, confequently of a Paragraph in that of 
 the 14th Inflant, relating to this Comedy ; tho'' I think no 
 reafonable P erf on will believe I could be guilty of fo much 
 Folly. Tho^ Vanity is faid to be the darling Vice of Woman- 
 kind\ yet nothing but an Idiot would exprefs themf elves fo 
 openly ; and I hope the World won^t think me guilty of 
 printings what I niufl blufh to read, nor imagine it wrote 
 even by any Friend of mine, for two Reafons : Firfl, the 
 Grojfnefs of the Flattery ; Secondly, the Injury it mufl 
 of courfe do me, in the Run of my Play, by puttiftg thofe 
 People out of Humour, whofe A dion was to give Life to 
 the Piece. I fuppofe thefe Reafons are f ifficient to con- 
 -vince the judicious Part, that I was no ways concerned in 
 thofe Refie^lions, but own I was treated with all the feem- 
 ing Civility in the World, till the fecond Night of my 
 Comedy. I willingly fubmitted to Mr. Cibber'j* fuperior 
 Judgment in fhortening the Scene of the Ghofl in the lafi 
 A 61, and believed him perfedly i7i the Right, becaufe too 
 much Repetition is tirefome. Ifideed, when Mr. Eflcourt 
 fliced mofi of it out, I could not help interpofmg my 
 Defcres to the contrary, which the refi readily complied 
 with ; and I had the Satisfaction to fee I was not deceived 
 in My Opinion, of its pleafing. This Paffage I happened 
 to mention among my Acquaintance ; for His natural to have 
 a kind of a Tender for our own Produdions, but efpecially 
 if they have the Fortune to divert others. Now, if from 
 this the Author of the Tsitlev gathered Ms Accounts, I am 
 guilty of fpeaking, but not defignedly ; for who they are 
 that write that Paper, or how diflinguifh^d, I am perfedly 
 ignorant, and declare I never was concerned, either in 
 writings or publifhing any of the Tatlers, 
 
 D 3 / nevtr 
 
The PREFACE. 
 
 / never had the Vanity to thi7ik, much le/s to publijhy 
 that any thing I am capable of doings could fupport the 
 Stage, thd* I have had the good Fortune to pleafe, or to 
 find the Town willing to be pleafed ; tho\ at prefent, it 
 feeniSy a certain Author has enter'' d a Caveat againft all 
 Plays running to a fixth Night, but his own, Tho' an 
 Opera interfe^^d with this Comedy, yet brought above 
 Forty Pounds the fecond Nighty which Jhew'd it had fome 
 Merit ; for I have known a Play kept up, that faiVd of 
 half that Money the fecond Night, Now, by the Rules of 
 the Houfe, it ought to have been played on : But who can 
 fecure the Life of a Play, when that of a Man is often 
 facrificed to the Malice of Parties ? This Play met with 
 a kind Reception in general, and notwithftanding the Dif- 
 advantages it had to flruggle with, by raifing the Prices 
 the firfl Day, and the Nearnefs of Chriflmas, it would 
 have 7nade its way to a fixth Night, if it had had fair 
 Play. Miftake me not, I do not 7nean from the Represent- 
 ation ; for I mufi do the Players Reafon : Had I fearched 
 all the Theatres in the World, I could not have feleSled a 
 better Company, nor had more Jufiice done me in the 
 A^ion, tho^ they have not dealt honourably by me i7i my 
 Bargain ; for they ought not to have ftofd the Run, upon 
 any Pique whatever, ^Tis fmall Encouragement to write 
 for the Stage, when the A^ors, according to the Caprice of 
 their Hmnours, maugre the Tafie of the Town, have power 
 to fink the Reputation of a Play ; for if they refolve not to 
 afl it, the Town canH fupport it. 
 
 Well, if there is any Merit in fuffering wrongfully, I 
 fhall find my Account inH one time or another ; in the 
 mean while I entreat the Female Tatler to be witty no 
 more at my Expence. I defire I may not be ranked in 
 the Number of thofe that fupport the Stage^fince the Stage 
 is become a Noun Subftantive, and refolves to fhew it is 
 able to fiand by itfelf. 
 
 PRO- 
 
PROLOGUE 
 
 By a GENTLEMAN. 
 Spoken by Mr. WiLKS. 
 
 OUR Female Author trembling flands within, 
 Her Fear arifes from anothe^^^s Sin ; 
 One of her Sex has fo abused the Town, 
 That on her Score fJie dreads your angry Frown : 
 Thd* I dare fay, poor Soul, Jhe never writ 
 Lampoon, or Satyr on the Box or Pit ; 
 A harmlefs humorous Play is her Extent of Wit. 
 Thd" Bickerflaff^j vafl Genius may engage, 
 And lafh the Vice and Follies of the Age ; 
 Why fhou^d teiider Delia tax the Nation ; 
 Stickle, and make a Noife for Reformation^ 
 Who always gave a Loofe, herfelf to Inclination ? 
 Scandal and Satyr'^s throw7i afide to-day, 
 And Humour the fole Bufinefs of our Play, 
 Beaux may drefs on to catch the Ladies Hearts, 
 And good Affurance pafs for 7nighty Parts: 
 The Cits may bi ing their Spoufes without Fear, 
 We fhew no W ife thafs poaching for an Heir, 
 Nor teach the Use of fine Gaufe Handkerchier. 
 Cowards may huff, aud talk of mighty Wonders, 
 And Jilts fet up— for Twenty thoiffand Pounders, 
 Our Author, even tho^ fhe knows full well. 
 Is fo good-natured, fhe forbears to tell 
 What Colonels, lately, have found out the Knack 
 To mufler Madam, ftill, by Ned, or Jack, 
 To keep their Pleafures up ; a frttgal Way, 
 They give her — Subaltern^s Stibfifience for her Pay. 
 In fhort, whatever your Darling Vices are. 
 They pafs untouched in this Nighfs Bill of Fare. 
 But if all this canH your Good-Nature wake, 
 Tho^ here and there, a Scene fJiould fail to take. 
 Yet fpare her for the Bufie-Body^s fake. 
 
 D4 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 Spoken by Mrs. Olufield. 
 Written by Mr. Gibber. 
 
 A Porter delivers a Letter jiiji as JJte is going to /peak. 
 
 TJ/'HA Ts this f a Billet-Doiix ? from Hands unknown ? 
 
 W > j-^-^ j-g^i^ ^/^^^ fore all the Town : 
 
 But fince the poor Man^s Pajfion^s fo agog, 
 Pll read it out by way of Epilogue, 
 
 Reads, Madam, 
 
 Permit a Wretch to let you know, 
 
 That he's no more in Statu Quo, 
 
 My Ruin from this Night commences, 
 
 Unlefs your Smiles refund my Senfes ; 
 
 For with one Thrufl of Cupid^s^ Dart, 
 
 YouVe whip'd your Slave quite thro' the Heart : 
 
 Therefore, I beg you, cafh your Eye 
 
 O'er Boxes, Pit and Gallery, 
 
 In Pity of my Pains and Doubt, 
 
 And try if you can find me out. 
 
 Poor Soul I He feems indeed in difmal Plight ; \ 
 Lefs fee ! it canH be, fure ! from th^ upper Flight ; I 
 No, no — thafs plain— for — None of them can Write : ) 
 Nor can I think it from the Middle fell ; 
 
 For Pm afraid as few of the7n can Spell : 
 
 Befide, their haggling Pafftons never gain., 
 Beyond the Pajf age-walking Nymphs of Drur>'-Lane : 
 A nd then the Pifs more flocked with Rakes and Rovers, 
 Than any of thefe fe^if clefs, whining Lovers, 
 The Backs d* th^ Boxes too feem moftly lin^d 
 With Souls, whofe Paffion^s to themfelves confi^i^d. 
 In fhort, I can^t perceive, ^mongfl all you Sparks, 
 The Wretch difinguiflHd by thefe bloody Marks. 
 
 But 
 
Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Sir J effrey Con{i2intf jFat/ier /o Cap- \ 
 tain Conftant. J 
 
 Captain Conftant, in Love with \ 
 Belinda. J 
 
 Lovely, Friend to Captain Conftant. 
 Faithful, a Gentleinan of Fortune in \ 
 Love with Laura. j 
 
 Sir David Wat chum, Gtiardia7i to \ 
 Laura. ) 
 Trufty, Steward to Sir Jeffrey. — 
 Num, A Country Squire in Love \ 
 with Belinda. • j 
 
 Slouch, Servant to Num. — 
 
 Clinch, Servant to Captain Con- ) 
 
 ftant. j 
 
 Roger, Farmer to Sir Jedrey, — 
 
 Manage, Servant to Faithful. — 
 
 Coachman. — — — 
 
 Sam 
 
 Another Servant, 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Belinda, Supposed Daughter to \ 
 Trufty. ) 
 
 Laura, An Heirefs in Love with 
 Faithful. 
 
 Maria, A Gentlewoman of Fortune, 
 Dorothy, Belind'j" Maid, — — ~ 
 Lucy, Laura'j- Maid. — — — — 
 
 Mr, Bowman. 
 
 Mr, Mills. 
 Mr, Huf band. 
 Mr, Wilks. 
 
 Mr, Johnfon. 
 
 Mr, Eftcourt. 
 
 Mr, Dogget. 
 
 Mr, Crofs. 
 
 Mr, Pinkeman. 
 
 Mr. Bullock. 
 Mr, Cibber. 
 Mr, Harris. 
 
 Mrs, Oldfield. 
 
 Mrs, Crofs. 
 
 Mrs, Porter. 
 Mrs, Saunders. 
 Mrs, Bicknell. 
 
 S C E N E, ///^ Minfter-yard in Peterborough. 
 The Hour, Six in the Morning, 
 
 « VOL. III. The 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 But fmce the Town has heard your kind Commands ^ Sir^ 
 
 The Town Jhall ^en be Witnefs my Anfwer, 
 
 Firjl then, beware you prove no Spark in Redy 
 
 With empty Pur/e, and regimental Head ; 
 
 That thinks no Woman can refufe f engage in^t, 
 
 While Lovers advanced with offered Bills on Agent ; 
 
 That /wears he^ll fettle fro7n his Jofs commencing, 
 
 And make the Babe, the Day he's born, an Enfcgn, 
 
 Nor cou'd I bear a titVd Beau, that Jleals 
 
 From fa/ling Spou/e her matrimo7iial Meals ; 
 
 That Modijh fends next Morn to her Apartment, 
 
 A civil How d'' ye— for alas / from th^ Heart meant : 
 
 Then powdered for th^ enfuing Day^s Delights, 
 
 Bows thro' his Croud of Duns, and drives to White'j. 
 
 Nor cou'd I like the Wretch, that all Night plays, 
 
 And only takes his Refl on winning Days ; 
 
 Then fets up from a lucky Hit, his Rattler, 
 
 Then's traced from his Original — in the Tattler. 
 
 To tell you all that are my fixt Averfion, 
 
 Wou'd tire the Tongue of Malice, or Afperfion, 
 
 But if I find 'mong/i A ll one generous Hearty 
 
 That deaf to Stories takes the Stages Part ; 
 
 That thinks that Purfe deferves to keep the Plays, 
 
 Whofe Fortunes bound for the Support of Operds \ 
 
 That thinks our Conflitution here is jufily fixt, 
 
 And now no more with Lawyers Brawls perplext : 
 
 He, I declare, fhall my whole Heart receive ; 
 
 And (whafs more firange) Fll love him while I live. 
 
 Dramatis 
 
The Man's bewitch'd ; 
 
 O R, 
 
 The Devil to do about Her. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE I. T/ie Minjler- Yard in Peterborough. 
 
 Enter Captain Conflant, and Clinch in Mournings with 
 Ridi7ig-Habit over it, 
 
 LIN CHI Where are you, Sirrah? 
 Why don^t you come along ? 
 Clin, Ah ! Pox of this riding Poll. 
 
 1 Look ye, Captain ; if you have 
 
 threefcore Miles farther to go, I am your humble 
 Servant. 
 
 Capt. No, Sirrah, I am at my Journey's End This 
 
 Town of Peterborough is the Bound of all my Wifhes. 
 
 Clin, Say you fo, Sir ! Pray be pleas'd to make it mine 
 too. 
 
 Capt. Why What is your Wifh ? 
 
 Clin. Why, with Submiffion, Sir, to know the Reafon 
 of your Expedition, and Gravity of Habit : Have you a 
 mind to fet up the Bufmess of an Undertaker here in the 
 Country ? 
 
 Conji. No, Clinch^ my Bufmess is with the Living, not 
 with the Dead, Pll affure you. 
 
 Clin. Then can't I for my Blood imagine why you are 
 thus drefs'd ; your Father, nay, your whole Family are 
 well ; not fo much as a Nephew, or fecond Coufm dead ; 
 
 nay, nor no fear of Peace Then why the Devil are 
 
 we in black? You laugh Can thefe Clothes caufe 
 
 D 6 Joy, 
 
84 The Mans bewitch! d ; or^ 
 
 Joy, without the Perquifite that belongs to it ? 'Tis a 
 mournful Equipage, and fhocks my Soul, I am fare. 
 
 Conji, Perquifite! Why what Perquifite does Mourning 
 bring with it to cause Joy ? ha ! 
 
 Clin. Oh, Sir, feveral : As when a Wife buries her 
 
 Huf band, fhe has Sorrow in one Hand, and Joy in toother ; 
 
 a fhort Widowhood cures fuch a Grief. Or a rich Heir 
 
 at the laft Gafp of his Parent, where there is a Year's 
 
 Rent in the Steward's Hands But, Sir, to the Point ; 
 
 either let me into the Secret, or difcharge me. 
 
 ConJi. Ha, ha, ha ! Why then if I mufl tell thee ; this 
 Habit, if Fortune favours me, will be worth to me two 
 thoufand Pounds. 
 
 Cliii. Say you fo, Sir ; and pray how much will it be 
 
 worth to me ? For I am drefs'd like you If I have not 
 
 the fame Privilege, why fhould 1 be confin'd to the fame 
 Garb 
 
 Conji^ Oh ! you fhall have your Part, Clinch^ never fear. 
 Clin. Ay, Sir, but there are fome Parts I don't care for 
 
 1 hope you have no Defign to rob upon the Highway. 
 
 ConJl. Rascal ! 
 
 Clin. Nay, ben't angry, Sir ; if there fhould be Peace, 
 'tis what many an honeft Gentleman mufl come to : I have 
 no Averfion for the N ame ; but I have for the Punifh- 
 
 ment Pll not ftrike a Stroke therefore what good 
 
 can I do you ? 
 
 ConJi. Ha, ha, ha ! I fhall have more Occafion for your 
 Eyes than your Arm — You can weep. Sirrah, can't you ? 
 
 Clin. Ay, Sir, 1 fhall weep, that's certain, to fee you 
 come to the Gallows 
 
 ConJi, Ye Dog you, I tell you there is no Danger. 
 
 Clin. No Danger Why then fhall I weep for Joy, 
 
 Sir. But how. Sir, how ; mufl I roar, or fhed Tears 1 
 
 Co7iJi. So you do but counterfeit well, no matter which. 
 
 Cl'm. Ah, let me alone for counterfeiting. I defy a 
 Woman to outdo me in that. — Look ye. Sir, you lhall 
 hear — hem, hem. [Roars out, 
 
 ConJi. Very well be fure when I weep 
 
 Clin, ril make terrible Faces What think you. Sir, 
 
 is not my Pipe very mufical for weeping ? 
 
 ConJi. Oh! Excellent. 
 
 Clin. But what does this fignify ? Where lies the Mystery? 
 
 ConJl. 
 
The Devil to do about her, 85 
 
 Con/I. Well then. — Since you mufl know it ; You are 
 not infenfible how my Father has treated me, ever fmce I 
 refused to marry Mrs. Homebred^ whofe Manners fuited 
 with her Name, and her Face was coarfer than either ; and 
 becaufe I drew a Bill upon him for fifty Pounds lafl Cam- 
 paign, he threatens to difmherit me ; nay, and f wears, 
 that if for the future I don't make it appear I live upon 
 half my Pay, he'll make my Serjeant his Heir, who was 
 once his Footman. In fhort, I can bear his ill Ufage no 
 longer. 
 
 Clin, Ah ! Sir, had you married that Lady with twenty 
 thoufand Pounds, you need not have drawn upon him for 
 fifty. 
 
 Conft. If fhe had twenty Times as much, I fliou'd rc- 
 fufe her for Belinda^s Sake. 
 
 Clin. But Sir Jeffry refolves againft that Match You 
 
 mufl not marry his Steward's Daughter. 
 
 Conji, I hope to prove you a Lyar, Sir ; and by this 
 Drefs to carry my Defign ; which is to perfuade Trujiy^ 
 that my Father dy'd of an Apoplexy, by which means he 
 mufl account with me for the half Year's Rent, he fent 
 the old Gentleman Word was ready for him. Two thou- 
 fand Pound, Clinch This Letter I furpriz'd by an 
 
 Accident ; 'tis from my Father to him. {Reads. 
 
 Mr. Trujly^ " The feveral Sums which you have re- 
 " turn'd me without any Receipt, amount to eight hun- 
 " dred Pounds ; there remains behind two thoufand two 
 " hundred Pounds, which you tell me is ready for me ; 
 " don't give yourfelf any Trouble about remitting that, 
 " for I defign to be down myfelf in a Fortnight ; and then 
 " the Leafes which you mention'd, fliail be renewed." 
 You need write no more, till yon fee 
 
 Your real Friend, Jeffrey Conftant. 
 
 Clin. Excellent, Sir ! Why here may be a pretty Penny 
 towards, if the Devil don't crofs it. But, Sir, if my 
 old M after fhould take a Maggot, and write to Trujly, to 
 
 return his Money after all His Letter and our Story 
 
 wou'd have fmall Connexion ; we fhou'd bo oblig'd to al- 
 ter our Note. I wou'd advife you to take the old Stew- 
 ard to the Tavern, and flay as little in his House as you 
 
 can. 
 
86 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 can, for fear of difcovery : Befides, Sir, a Glass of Wine 
 and a Fowl, makes Bufiness go on chearfully, Sir. 
 
 Conji, Chearfully, Sirrah ! You don't consider that 
 
 it is not my Bufmess to be chearful 1 admire Faithful 
 
 flays fo long. 
 
 Clin. Perhaps he can't find Mr. Lovely^ Sir. 
 
 ConJl, I dire(51:ed him to the Coffee-houfe, where he 
 feldom fails to be at this Time of the Morning. 
 
 Clin, Poor Gentleman ! I warrant he's ruminating up- 
 on his Misfortunes. Well ! 'tis fometimes a Bleffing to 
 want Money You 'fcap'd the Highway-men, Sir ! 
 
 Co7iJl, What am I the better for that. Sirrah ? My 
 Pockets are as empty as my Friends, who fell into their 
 Hands : But here comes my fellow Traveller — and Lovely 
 
 with him ; he has found him at lafl Dear Lovely^ 
 
 how is't ? 
 
 Enter Lovely, Faithful, and Manage in ridi^tg Habit. 
 Lov. Captain Conjianty welcome ! Who expedled to fee 
 you here? Why did not you fend me Word of your 
 
 coming ? 
 
 Clin. He hardly knew it himfelf two Hours before he 
 got on Horfeback, Sir ; nay, I much queftion if he knows 
 it yet. 
 
 ConJl, My Journey indeed was fomething precipitate. 
 
 Clin. Ay, Sir ; don't you fee we are in Mourning? 
 
 Lov. Mr. Faithful has inform'd me of every Particular ; 
 and I wifli I cou'd really give thee Joy of fix thousand a 
 Year, Boy. 
 
 Clin, At the rate of half a Year's Rent you may If 
 
 Fortune proves not an errant Jilt indeed. Sir. 
 
 Lov. Come, Gentlemen; what think you of my Houfe? 
 I'll get fomething for Breakfafl, whilft you change your 
 Linnen. 
 
 ConJl. 'Tis near Six 1 have a mind to fee if Belinda 
 
 comes to Church this Morning. 
 Lov. She feldom fails — 
 
 Faith. Prithee, .Lovely ; can you inform me, if a young 
 Lady that lives at Sir David Watchum^s will be here, too ? 
 Lov. Mrs. Laura Wealthy ^ your Miftress, you mean. 
 Faith. The same. 
 
 Lov. We have heard of the Lady ; but I believe no- 
 body 
 
The Devil to do about her. 87 
 
 body in Peterborough has feen her, except his own 
 Servants. 
 
 Conji. What kind of a Temper is the old Fellow of ? 
 
 Lav. The moft peevifh, fplenetick, miflruftful, ill-na- 
 tur'd Wretch in the whole County : He comes to the Cof- 
 fee-houfe every Morning in an old rufty Chariot for hafte, 
 the longefl Journey he takes in the Year ; Hefeldom comes 
 to Church ; nay, fmce that Lady came, he has not once 
 been feen there ; we fancy he dare not flay two Hours 
 from home, for fear fhe fhould be floFn away. 
 
 Man. Ah, Sir ! This Account is msfl uncomfortable in 
 our Affairs. 
 
 Faith, It gives me more chagrin, than the Rogues did, 
 
 when they ftripp'd me of my Money this Morning 
 
 Which way fhall I give Laura Notice of my being in 
 Town ? 
 
 ConJi, Have Courage, Faithful ; I warrant we profper. 
 Lov. Nothing like a good Heart ; you fhall not want 
 a fmall Sum of Money, Sir. 
 Faith. I thank you, Sir. 
 
 Con/I. V\\ be as diligent in thy Affairs, as in my own 
 
 If any lucky Opportunity offers, I'll be ready to 
 
 ferve thee. 
 
 Lov. ril be the fame to both. 
 
 Confl. I know it ; and when 1 am able, I hope, if my 
 Defign fucceeds, thou fhalt meet Returns in me. 
 Faith. I am obliged to both. — But who have we here ? 
 
 Several People crofs the Stage to Church. 
 Lov. Here comes Belinda^ and with her my Tyrant 
 Maria. 
 
 Faith. Well, Gentlemen, you'll befl entertain your 
 Miftreffes alone ; 111 back to the Coffee-houfe, and over a 
 Difh of Tea think what course to steer. 
 
 Confl. Mind if the C our ant be there, wherein I got my 
 Father's Death inferted, the better to favour my Plot. 
 
 Faith. I will. Captain, and be fure to confirm the 
 News. \Exit Faith, and Manage. 
 
 Lov. We'll call on you prefently. 
 
 The Bell rings. 
 Confl. But is Maria obdurate ftill. Lovely ? 
 
 Lov. 
 
88 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 Lov, Not in reality, Conjlant But fhe has fo much 
 
 of the Woman in her, to keep up her Rule till the lafl. 
 
 Enter Belinda and Maria. 
 
 Conjl. Ladies, good Morrow ! The Sound of the Saint's 
 Bell brings Angels abroad. [^Salutes ^em. 
 
 BeL Conflant ! and in Mourning ! Pray who's dead ? 
 
 Conjl, One for whom I ought to grieve, did it not 
 fmooth a Paffage to Belinda! z Arms, through the Hearts 
 of our inexorable Parents. 
 
 BeL Your Father ! Sir. 
 
 Clin. The fame. Madam ! He's as dead as a Herring, 
 I promife you 
 
 Mar. Now don't I know, whether I had befl fay I'm 
 forry for your Lofs, or wifh you much Joy of your Gain. 
 
 Clin. I dare fwear, Madam, he can't tell you yet. 
 
 Conjl. Peace, Blockhead. 
 
 Mar, Mr. Lovely, are you for Prayers ? 
 
 Co7iJl, You are the Shrine he kneels to. Madam ; if 
 you'll vouchfafe to hear him, he can pray moft devoutly. 
 
 Mar, And diffemble mod fervently 
 
 Lov. No faith, Madam, that Quality does not belong 
 to us that is the Womens Prerogative. 
 
 Bel. And do you never encroach upon our Privileges, 
 fweet Sir ? 
 
 Lov. Yes, yes, faith ; I have encroach'd upon fome of 
 the Sex's Privileges in my Time, I muft own. Curiofity 
 — Madam, feldom leads us to put on mafking Habits ; but 
 a Lady cannot drefs without 'em ; Dffimulation is as ne- 
 ceffary as her Patches. 
 
 BeL Ay ! How do you prove that ? 
 
 Lov. V/hy thus : When you wou'd gain a Man you 
 
 like, you appear what you are not We believe you 
 
 Angels, but don't always find you fo. 
 
 Mar, We always find you Angels, but of the fal'n Kind. 
 
 Conft. 'Tis impoffible to be otherwife, whilfl Beauty 
 keep her Court below ; you charm our Eyes, and all our 
 Senfes wait you. 
 
 Lov. Pride and Vanity predominate in your Sex, and 
 like Centinels relieve one another ; Pride has made a La- 
 dy fwear fhe has hated fuch a Man, tho' fhe was dying for 
 
 the 
 
The Devil to do about her. 89 
 
 the Sight of him. ^And Vanity made her carefs a Fop, 
 
 that at the fame Time fhe wifh'd at the Devil. 
 
 Mar. And are not you even with us Will not you figh, 
 ogle, cringe, flatter, fwear, kneel, nay, give it under 
 your Hand, you love to Defperation .^^ But let the poor 
 miflaken Nymph once yield, and you'd give Bond and 
 Judgment to that old Gentleman you nam'd but nov/, in 
 two Days to take her off your Hands. 
 
 Conjl, I hope you don't include the whole Sex, Madam ? 
 
 Lov, That fhe does not, Pm fure ; for fhe knows I ne- 
 ver fwore any thing to her, but what Tm ready to make 
 good And if fhe be not the mofl unconfcionable Wo- 
 man, fhe will own I love her heartily. 
 
 Conji, That I dare witnefs for thee. Lovely, 
 
 BeL Ay ! Why, what Proofs has he given 
 
 Lov, Proofs ! Why I talk of her all Day — And dream 
 
 of her all Night When fhe's absent, figh for her ; and 
 
 am tranfported when I fee her. If thefe be not Proofs of 
 Love, let the Parfon fay Grace, and Pll give her better. 
 
 Bel. All this may be done without one Grain of Love, 
 may it not, Captain ? 
 
 Co7iJl. Not when you are the Objedl, Madam ; and you 
 are too well acquainted with my Heart, to afk that Quef- 
 tion out of fcruple, Pm certain. 
 
 Mar. Thefe are no Proofs ; you mufl grow lean and 
 meagre Eat little, and fleep lefs Write fifty Let- 
 ters in a Day, and burn them all again Then flart up, 
 
 and draw your Sword ; hold it to your Breafl ; then throw 
 
 it away again Then take your Pen and write your lafl 
 
 Farewel Difpatch it to your Miflrefs Then take a 
 
 Turn by fome melancholy purling Stream, with Hat 
 puird o'er your Eyes, in deep Contemplation refolve thro' 
 what Door to let in Death, if the MefTenger return with- 
 out Succefs When I fee you do this, Fil write Lo- 
 ver upon your Brow. 
 
 Lov. When I do, you fhall write Fool on my Forehead. 
 Hang this whining Way of wooing^ 
 Loving was defign'd a Sporty &c. \Sings. 
 
 ConJl. Come, come, Madam, a Truce ; you know he 
 loves you. 
 
 Lov. As well as I know fhe loves me ; we were born 
 
 for 
 
90 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 for one another, Child ; no Man in the Kingdom (hall 
 
 have thee but myfelf Then if you will eat Chalk, and 
 
 die of the Pip, I can't help it : Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Mar, Be not fo pofitive, Lovely. — One Se6l of Philofo- 
 phers tells us, we ought to doubt of every Thing. 
 
 Lov, But the Topic was not a Woman in that Affertion ; 
 but if it were, Women in their Days were no more like 
 Women in ours, than a Clodhopper is to a Captain 
 o'Foot. Our Ladies are like two Negatives, to be under- 
 flood in the Affirmative ; ha, ha ! Madam, does not my 
 Friend here look like one of thofe Lovers you defcrib'd ? 
 
 Faith, I think a Woman cannot wifh a fimpler Figure 
 
 Now has he a thoufand Things to fay to Belinda alone. 
 
 Conft, You guefs right, Lovely 1 am going to your 
 
 Father's, Madam, to fettle our Accounts ; I hope you'll 
 return as foon as Prayers are over. 
 
 Bel. Direaiy 
 
 Conft. Oh Belinda ! 
 
 Now is the Crijls of our good or ill ; 
 
 Turn for me, Fate, or let thy Wheel fland flilL 
 
 Lov. You'll remember us in 3'^our Prayers, Ladies. — 
 Mar, Amongfl Jews, Turks and Lnfidels. [Exit. 
 
 Lov, Come, now for my Houfe We'll call on 
 
 Faithful, 
 
 Confl. Lead on — I'll change my Linen, and to Trufly^s 
 
 immediately But hold Clinch, hark ye. 
 
 Clin. Sir 
 
 Const. I had no Opportunity to inform Belinda of my 
 Projedl: ; you mufl away to Trufiys and let her Maid into 
 the Secret, I wou'd not impofe upon her — The Man that 
 truly loves, cannot deceive the Objedl of his Vows. 
 
 He never felt the Force ^ Cupid' Dart, 
 Who lets his Tangue run counter to his Heart ; 
 Or ever can deferve the charming Maid, 
 That is by Falfhood to his Arms betrafd. 
 For mutual Pa[fLons in all States agree^ 
 And lines the Yoke with true Felicity. 
 She fhall my Proje6l with my Love compare, \ 
 Lf fhe approves it, I^m indeed an Heir, \ 
 Clin. Or at the worfi, we are but as we were. i 
 
 Enter 
 
The Devil to do about her. 
 
 91 
 
 Enter ^Squire Num and his Man Slouch. 
 
 Num, What think you Slouch ! Had we befl go into 
 the Minjier^ or tarry here whilfl Mrs. Belinda comes out ; 
 for her maid fays fhe's here : Lord, Lord, how rehgious 
 Folks are in this Town ! Why they rife as early to Church 
 
 here, as our Parfon's Wife does to milking, I think 
 
 Well, but what had we befl to do, ha 
 
 Slou, Why go in, I think — or tarry here ; which you 
 will, M after. 
 
 Num, Nay, nay, mun, I don't know which is beft, that 
 makes me afk you ; for I know, Slouch y you underftand 
 Breeding and Haviours ; for you have been at London with 
 fat Bullocks, and fo was never I ; but I refolve to go next 
 time, ha ! Slouch \ 
 
 Slou. Ay, Mafter ; but and you marry this fame Mrs. 
 Belinda^ as fure as your nane is ^Sqtdre Num^ fhe'll not 
 let you budge a Step. 
 
 Nmn, Marry her ! Nay, nay, I fhall marry her, that's 
 fure enough, I think ; and yet Fll fee London for all that 
 
 Why, what doft thou think Fll be ty'd to a Wife's 
 
 Tail all the Days of my Life ? No, no ; the Family of the 
 Nums won't be Wife rid, Slouch — But hark ye, an her 
 Father fhou'd chop up the Wedding to Day, before my 
 new Clothes are made ; for he likes me woundily, mun. 
 
 Slou. Od, well thought on, Mafter ! Don't go into the 
 Church, I fay ; who knows but when the Parfon has done 
 his Prayers, but he may begin your Plagues, Mafter, ha ! 
 
 Num. Od, that's fmart now Ha, ha ; hufh, hufti, 
 
 Slouch^ they are here — Now fhow your Manners 
 
 Enter Trufty, Belinda and Maria. Several others crofs the 
 Stage as from Church. 
 
 Tru. I have met a Report in the Church, that the News 
 fays Jeffrey Constant is dead ; if it be true, there's a 
 
 better Huf band for Belinda than this Fool Od ! Fll for 
 
 London as foon as I have din'd ; my Heart akes ; pray 
 Heaven he fettled his Affairs before he died : I have no 
 Receipt for the Money I paid him. 
 
 Num. Sir, your Servant ; Father has sent me agen to 
 fee Mrs. Belinda^ and bid me tell you, That he wou'd come 
 over himfelf, I think, next Week, and do what you wou'd 
 
 have him to do, I think ^And fo, I fuppofe, we are 
 
 agreed 
 
92 The Mans bezvitcfid ; or, 
 
 agreed, Forfooth Only I muft defire you to ftay till 
 
 my new Clothes are made. Father bought the Cloth laft 
 Sturbich Fair ; and the Taylor comes To-morrow, don't 
 he, Slouch ? 
 
 Slou, Ay, and his Man Stay tape, too ; and he works like 
 a Dragon My M after will foon be fit, Forfooth. 
 
 M ar. Fit, quotha ! for what ? ha, ha. 
 
 Num, For what ! Nay, nay, let me alone for that, an I 
 don't fhow her for what, when I have her once, Til be 
 flea'd. 
 
 Mar, Heaven defend me from the Trial ! 
 
 Trti. Sir, fmce I faw you laft, I have confider'd my 
 Daughter is no proper Match for you ; and therefore I 
 defire you to return with all poffible Speed, and acquaint 
 your Father, that he may not undertake any unneceffary 
 Journey. 
 
 Bel. Ten thousand Bleffmgs on that Voice. 
 
 Num. Hey-day : What's the Matter now ! Why you 
 don't pretend to make a Fool of me, do ye ? 
 
 Mar. No, thou art made to his Hands ha, ha, 
 
 ha 
 
 Num, Who fpeaks to you. Miftrefs ; I was not made for 
 you, I'm fure. 
 
 Mar. No, I thank my Stars ! 
 
 jNum. I'll not be chous'd at this rate, mun : Did you 
 not tell me, if my Father would fettle fo, and fo, that I 
 
 fhou'd have her And now you come with a confider — 
 
 when it has coft me the Lord knows what in Journeys, as 
 Slouch can teftify. 
 
 Slou. Yes with a fafe Confcience, I can fwear it has 
 coft my Mafter — and miC, above thirty Shillings upon you. 
 
 Bel. What, did you club with your Mafter then, Mr. 
 Slouch f 
 
 Slou. Now and then, for a Flaggon of Ale, and it pleafe 
 you. 
 
 Bel, Oh you fliall be no Lofer, Friend — There's fome- 
 thing to defray your Expences. \_Gives him Money. 
 
 Slou. Thank you kindly, Forfooth Od, this 'tis to 
 
 be fharp Now wou'd I give Six-pence to know if this 
 
 be a good Guinea, or a Counter {Afide, 
 
 Tru. As to your Charges Mr. Num if you pleafe 
 
 to 
 
The Devil to do about her, 93 
 
 to give me a Bill they fhall be difcharg'd — But for my 
 Daughter, I have defign^d her otherways. 
 
 Num. A Bill ! I fcorn your Words ; Fm as well able, 
 do you fee, to fpend thirty Shillings as you, for ought I 
 knows ; yet Fm not angry neither \ only what makes me 
 mad, is, that you fhou'd think me fuch a Fool to be fob'd 
 
 off I know not how Why mun, all our Town 
 
 knows that Fm to have her, and they have promised me 
 
 the Bells fhou'd ring a whole Day And now you'd 
 
 have me go home with a Tale of a Tub, like a Dog that 
 
 has lost his Ears What did you come bouncing to 
 
 our Houfe for ! and fay I fhou'd have your Daughter 
 
 I did not come after her, nor you neither, mun. 
 
 Trii, What I faid I thought at that Time, Sir ; but no 
 Man can blame me for changing my Miud to Advantage 
 
 in difpofmg of my Child have a better Profpedl both 
 
 in Birth and Eflate, than you, or your Father can offer. 
 Therefore I fay, without any Paffion, I defire you'd give 
 yourfelf no farther Trouble about this Matter, Nr. Num. 
 
 Bel. Birth, and Eflate ! What means my Father ? How 
 I tremble ! 
 
 Mar. He has certainly heard of Sir Jeffrefs Death, and 
 defigns to make thee happy. 
 
 Bel. Impoffible ! he was in the Minfter before us. 
 
 Nu7n. Birth, and Eflate ! Slouch., come hither, Sirrah ! 
 Han't my Father a Thousand a Year ? 
 
 Slou. Yes, that he has, an more too : He has ten Hun- 
 dred, Fll fwear it. 
 
 Num. I believe he has, as you fay. Slouch, 
 
 Om. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Num, And I am all the Children he has, am I not 
 Slouch ? 
 
 Slou. Ay, all that he dares own, Sir. 
 
 Num, Look ye there, now ! An Fll hold you a Bottle 
 of Cyder that Fm as well born as he ; my Father's Church- 
 warden, and Captain of the Militia, as 'tis known very 
 well ; and Fm call'd the young Captain, fo I am. 
 
 Slou. Aye, that every body knows. 
 
 Tru, Sir, I have nothing to say to that, and am your 
 humble Servant Come Belinda, 
 
 Bel. I wifh you a good Journey, Sir. 
 
 Mar. Captain, your Servant. \Exit, 
 
 Num, 
 
94 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 Num, A murrain take your Fleer 
 
 Slou. You may go to London, now, Sir. 
 
 Num, Go to London, go to the Devil ! 'Slife Til follow 
 them mun, may hap he do's but joke ; and Father will 
 break my Head, becaufe I did not underfland a Joke — 
 Therefore come along, Slouch. {Exeunt. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE, Sir David Watchum's Houfe. 
 
 Enter Sir David into a Garden before the Door. 
 
 Sir Dav. T HAVE furvey'd my Houfe round and round 
 JL to Night, from Door to Door, and Gate to 
 
 Gate He that wou'd keep a handfome Woman of 
 
 twenty thoufand Pound, muft learn the Gamefler's Art, 
 to live without Sleep Methought, from my Garret- 
 Window, I faw a Man fauntring about my Ground, and 
 feem'd to pry too narrowly into my Houfe — It may be a 
 
 Rogue 1 would not lofe Mrs. Laura ; for, if poffible, 
 
 fhe fhall fill no Arms but mine. I have kept her from 
 the Sight of Man thefe twelve Months ; and now I defign 
 to offer her Liberty, provided fhell confent to be my 
 Wife ; if fhe refufes, FU have the Lights quite flop'd up, 
 
 and fhe fhall not fo much as fee the Sun Ha ! who's 
 
 here ! Ho, 'tis Lucy, her Maid ; I wifh I cou'd make this 
 
 Jade of my Interest What the Vengeance does fhe do 
 
 up so early 1 
 
 Enter Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. This old Fellow is certainly the Devil— One can 
 go no where, but one is fure to meet him. 
 
 Sir Dav. What makes you here, ha, Miflrefs — Now 
 am I afraid of venturing to the Coffee-houfe, tho' my 
 Coach is at the Door. 
 
 Lucy. Too much Sleep is unwholefome, you know. Sir, 
 by your own Rule ; fo hearing the Door open, I came 
 down to breathe the Morning Air 
 
 Sir Dav. That you might have done at your Window ; 
 
 no. 
 
The Devil to do about her. 
 
 95 
 
 no, no, you have fome Plot in Hand now, I warrant ! 
 Where's your Miftrefs ? 
 
 Lucy. In her Chamber : Where fhou'd fhe be ? 
 
 Sir Dav. In her Bed wou'd be a fitter Place Wo- 
 men of Virtue, that have no Intrigues, are fail afleep in 
 their Beds at this Time a-day. 
 
 Lticy, Afleep ! That's impoffible in this Houfe — Pray 
 how can any body fleep, as long as you are awake ; are 
 you not rambling all Night; up Stairs, down Stairs, lock- 
 ing one Door, and opening another ; hemming, cough- 
 ing, fpitting, fneezing, yawning, flamping, muttering? — 
 
 One no fooner fhuts one's Eyes but flap goes a Door, 
 
 clatter goes a Key — down tumbles a Stool, bow-wow goes 
 
 the Dog This is the conflant Mufick you make, Sir ; 
 
 'Slife, if one were a Slave in Turkey^ one fhould fome- 
 times refl in quiet. 
 
 Sir Dav, Good lack, good lack, all this I get for my 
 Care Why all this is your Lady's Good, Lucy, 
 
 Lucy, Nay, if you call this Good ! Then pray. Sir, 
 employ your Study for the future, to do her ill Offices ; 
 for nothing can be more difagreeable, than your prefent 
 Treatment both to my Lady and me. 
 
 Sir Dav, Say you fo ! What, you don't like your way 
 of living then ? ha. 
 
 Lucy, Not at all, I affure you. Sir — Living ! d'ye call it 
 We wou'd have Liberty, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav, You fhall have Liberty, if your Lady is not 
 her own Enemy — and for your Part, if you pleafe, you 
 may ferve yourfelf and her by being ferviceable to me. 
 
 Lucy, Which Way, pray Sir ? For there are not many 
 Things I wou'd refufe to procure my Lady her dear, dear 
 Liberty ; pray inform me, I'm impatient tn know it. 
 
 Sir Dav, Why thus— I have a very cordial Affe6lion 
 for Mrs. Laura, out of pure confideration of her Youth — 
 I wou'd not have a young Woman fall into ill Hands at 
 firfl ; therefore I defign to marry her myfelf. 
 
 Lucy, Heaven forbid ! That would be falling into ill 
 Hands, indeed. {Afide, 
 
 Sir Dav, Now I wou'd have you break this Matter to 
 her ; and fecond it with all the Force of Argument you 
 
 are capable of When we are married, you fhall take 
 
 what Liberty you pleafe. 
 
 Lucy, 
 
96 The Mans bewitched ; or, 
 
 Lucy, Why, fure a Perfon of your experienced Years, 
 wou'd not be guilty of fuch a Folly. 
 
 Sir Dav. What do you call Folly? I had no Children 
 by my lafl Wife, and I wou'd willingly have an Heir to 
 keep up my Name and do you call this Folly ? 
 
 Lucy, Heirs! Why, do you hope for an Heir of your 
 own getting, Sir ? 
 
 Sir Dav. Why not, pray ? 
 
 Lucy. What, upon fuch a fine Woman as fhe is In 
 
 my Confcience, were I in your Place, I Ihou'd dread 
 being the erranteft, you know what, in Chriflendom. 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh Mrs. Pert ! that's not your Bufmefs, I fhall 
 dread no fuch Thing — All I defire of you, is to tell her, 
 my Eftate, Prudence, Wifdom and Temperance, out- 
 weighs Youth, Folly, Titles and Debauchery. 
 
 Lucy. Yes, for one that is in love with her Grave. 
 Certainly, Sir, you are not in your right Senfes — Why, 
 your Requefl is fo abominable, fo vile, fo ridiculous, and 
 fo unjufl ; that I wou'd not be concerned in it for a thous- 
 and Pounds Indeed, you have pitched upon the 
 
 wrong Perfon, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. Say you fo ! Good lack So I have pitched 
 
 upon the wrong Perfon you fay ! ha ! If I had defir'd 
 you to fay your Prayers, Pll be hang'd if I had not 
 pitched upon the wrong Perfon too, Goffip prate-a-pace 
 
 but ril hamper ye, I warrant you ; Til crofs your 
 
 Defigns, till I have finifh'd my own — go, get out of my 
 Sight. 
 
 Lucy. Well, furely this Life won't laft always. \Exit. 
 
 Enter Manage. 
 
 Man. My M after ftays at the Coffee-houfe, and has fent 
 me to furvey this Dome, and try to give Mrs. Laura^s 
 Maid Notice of his Arrival; but how far I may be fer- 
 viceable to him, I know not Ha ! who have we yon- 
 der ! The old Guardian himfelf, I doubt So, he has 
 
 found me What the Duce muft I pretend now } 
 
 Sir Dav. What do you want, Friend, ha } 
 
 Man. Good-morrow, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. Well, Good-morrow ; what more ? 
 
 Man. I hope you are well. Sir. 
 
 Sir Da7K Yes, thank Heaven, Sir ! What then 
 
 Man. 
 
The Devil to do about her. 97 
 
 Man. Why, then Tm very glad of it, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. You are very glad of it, Sir I Why, what a 
 Pox, is my Health to you ? Who are you ? What are you ? 
 And from whence come you, ha, Sir ? 
 
 Man. Faith, Sir, your Queflions are fo copious, that 
 they require a confiderable Study to anfwer : Let me re- 
 colledl a little — I have gone through fo many Trades, that 
 without my Diary (which I have not about me atprefent) 
 I can't remember half of them; nor indeed can I tell how 
 
 to flile myfelf otherwife than an univerfal Man The 
 
 World is my Country ; and for want of an Eflate, I live 
 by my Wits. 
 
 Sir Dav. A Rogue, I warrrant him. \_A/tde. 
 
 Man. Sometimes an honeft Man, fometimes a Knave ; 
 juft as Occafions fall out. 
 
 Sir Dav. Ay ! and you oftener happen to be Knave, 
 than an honell Man, 1 doubt, Friend. 
 
 Man. Why look ye. Sir, that is jufl as I abound, or 
 want Money; for my prefent Profeffion is Phyfick — Now, 
 when my Pockets" are full, I cure a Patient in three Days ; 
 when they are empty, I keep him three Months. 
 
 Sir Dav. An excellent Principle, truly — But pray, what 
 
 is your Bufmefs at my Houfe ? We are all in a good 
 
 State of Health at prefent. 
 
 Man. Nay, no very great Bufmefs, only I looked in as 
 I pafsM by. Sir, that's all.'' 
 
 Sir Dav. Now in my Opinion you have another Rea- 
 fon ; for you have the Afpe6l of thofe Sparks that come 
 in at a Window, or down a Chimney at two in the Morn- 
 ing. 
 
 Man. Have a care what you fay, Sir, Pm known very 
 well not far off. 
 
 Sir Dav. Ay, too well, perhaps ! Zounds, Sir, what 
 Bufmefs have you here ? fpeak. 
 
 Man. A queer old Duke this — Why, Sir, if you mull 
 know, I am m fearch of fome Simples, which I have oc- 
 cafion for. 
 
 Sir Dav. Simples ! 
 
 Man. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. Simples ! A very fimple Excufe, Faith — — 
 Man. Sir, I have many Years pra6lis'd Chymiftry, and 
 there's fcarce any Dileafe incident to Humanity, but I 
 7 VOL. II. E have 
 
98 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 have cur^d ; Stone, Gravel, Spleen, Vapours, Fits of the 
 Mother, and fo forth 
 
 Sir Dav, Rather Fits of the Father, I fancy. 
 
 Man, I had attained fuch Perfedlion in the Chymical 
 Art, that I wanted but one Degree of Heat to reach the 
 Philofopher's Stone. 
 
 Sir Dav. That Habit, methinks, does not anfwer this 
 mighty Skill. 
 
 Man. Oh ! Sir, Skill does not lie in Clothes — And the 
 mofl ingenious are not always the mofl fortunate — I have 
 had many Croffes in my Time — which has reduc'd me 
 much below my Birth, I affure you — I ferve an Officer at 
 prefent, in the Quality of a Valet de Chambre, whofe Life 
 I fav'd at the Battle of Audenard, when he was (hot thro* 
 with a Cannon-ball. 
 
 Sir Dav. How ! fhot through with a Cannon-ball. 
 
 Man. Yes, Sir ; what, do you wonder at that ? Why, 
 Sir, I have a Water, that if your Head were off, I'd but 
 wafh it with that, and clap it upon your Shoulders again, 
 and you fhou'dgrow as perfedlly well in Half an Hour, 
 as ever you was in your Life ; I have made the Experi- 
 ment upon Thoufands ; my Mailer's Brother was one of 
 them. 
 
 Sir Dav. If you were in Petticoats, I fhou'd take you 
 
 for the Keniijh Miracle What is this Officer's Name, 
 
 Friend, that you ferve ? 
 
 Man. Captain Bounce, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. Bounce! I fancy you are related to him ; are 
 you not. Friend 1 
 
 Man. No, Sir, not at all; indeed he ufes me more 
 like a Relation, than a Servant, for the Reafon before- 
 mentioned. 
 
 Sir Dav. Ha ! and where is he, pray ? 
 
 Man. At the Talbot, Sir ; if you pleafe Til fetch him 
 hither .f* 
 
 Sir Dav. By no means, Sir ; but what Bufmefs have 
 you here in Peterborough ? 
 
 Man. We have been raifmg Recruits, Sir A Pox of 
 
 this old Dog ; how many impertinent Queflions does he 
 afk ? — Here's no Hopes of feeing Lucy. 
 
 Sir Dav. Well, Sir, I defire you'd look your Simples, 
 
 elfe 
 
The Devil to do about her. 
 
 99 
 
 elfewhere ; for I don^t like you, notwithftanding your fair 
 Pretences. 
 
 Man. Sir I fliall obey you but pray who does this 
 
 Houfe belong to ? 
 
 Sir Dav. Why, this Houfe belongs to its Mafter. 
 
 Man. Indeed, Sir Pray who is the Mafler, if I 
 
 may be so bold as to a(k ? 
 
 Sir Dav. Why that Mailer is a Man, Friend. 
 
 Man. Really Sir ! your anfwers are fo concife and fo 
 
 ingenious, that it is impoffible to quit your Company 
 
 We defign for Cambridge to-night, pray what Time do you 
 think we fhall get in ? 
 
 Sir Dav. The Town Clodi will tell you when you 
 come there. 
 
 Man. Is it poffible ! — I humbly thank you, Sir — one 
 Thing more I wou'd gladly be refolv'd 1 have a Bro- 
 ther bound for Portugal, pray is the Wind fair. Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. What do you take me for, a Weather-cock, 
 Sirrah ? Hark ye, the Wind will blow you no good, if 
 you don't get about your Bufmess ; remember that, and 
 fo farewel. 
 
 Mail. Very well this mufl be Sir David his own- . 
 
 felf ^'Egad he has all his Paces, it will be hard to bring 
 
 Matters about here ; Pm juft as wife as when I came 
 
 and have told fifty Lyes to no Purpose Ha ! his 
 
 Coach at the Door, PU watch whither he goes, Pm re- 
 folv'd. 
 
 Re-enter Sir David. 
 Sir Dav, What, are you not gone yet. Sirrah ? PU 
 have you laid by the Heels, if you don't get off my 
 Ground this Moment. 
 
 Man. Sir, I am going this Moment A Pox of his 
 
 Leathern Jaws Well, Pll inform my Mafler what has 
 
 pafs'd, and leave him to think on what's to come. 
 
 [^Exit. 
 
 Sir Dav. So, he is gone 1 don't like the Counte- 
 nance of this Fellow Sam— — 
 
 Enter Servant, 
 
 Sam. Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. Lock my Doors, dy'e hear ; till I return from 
 
 the Coffee-house, let no Body in or out. 
 
 E 2 Sam, 
 
lOO The MutCs bewitch €l\ or, 
 
 Sam, I fhall oblerve, Sir. [Ex, Severally, 
 
 SCENE changes to the Coffee-houfe ; Lovely, Constant, 
 and Faithful. 
 
 Faith, 1 have confirm'd the whole Town in the Belief 
 of my Father's Death. 
 
 Const. Then thou hast done me Service — Come, you'll 
 both go with me to Trujiys 
 
 Faith, No, I have a Mind to flay here ; to fee if Sir 
 David comes ; this Morning I will try to get acquainted 
 with him ; perhaps my being a Stranger, he may invite 
 me to Dinner. 
 
 Lov. Ha, ha ! he would as foon give thee his Eflate. 
 
 Enter Manage. 
 
 Faith, Ha ! Ma7iage, what News? Haft thou feen Lucyf 
 
 Man, No, Sir, but I have feen the Knight. 
 
 Faith. Well, and what have you difcover'd ? 
 
 Man. That it was not worth your while to come Poft 
 
 from London^ to return the fame Way Ah ! Pox of the 
 
 laft Horse I rid ; what a curfed fall had I in Stangate-hole 
 
 don't you remember, Sir, how I lay over Head and 
 
 Ears in Mire ; whilft the Gentlemen of the Pad dis- 
 burthen'd you of a hundred Pounds ? 
 
 Faith, Hang your unfeafonable Memory, Sirrah; leave 
 
 fooling, and tell me You saw Sir David^dldi you 
 
 fpeak to him ? 
 
 Man. Yes, Sir, but he anfwer'd me with a damn'd four 
 Air ; and I affure you it will require Cannon to reduce his 
 Citadel. , 
 
 Faith. Love has taught me to surmount all Difficulties. 
 
 Man, But here the Knight will be immediately ; for I 
 heard him give Orders to lock up the Doors, till he re- 
 turned from the Coffee-houfe. 
 
 Lov, Ay, that's right. Sir David \ ha, ha. 
 
 Faith. Lock up the Doors ! Ah, poor Laura \ how fhall 
 I give thee Notice of my being here — 
 
 Conjl. I have a Thought in my Head, if it cou'd be put 
 
 in practice Hark, I hear the Coach ha ! here's no 
 
 body in the Room to difcover the Trick Let us pre- 
 tend a Quarrel Draw, Faithful. 
 
 Faith. To what Purpose ? 
 
 Con/i, 
 
The Devil to do abotit her, loi 
 
 Con/L You fhall know inftantly Lovely^ do you feem 
 
 to part us ; he's here — Damn you, Sir, you lye. {draws)} 
 I have not loft, nor will I pay 
 
 Faith, Take your Lye back, Sir. \^feem to fight. 
 
 Enter Sir David. 
 
 Lov, Why Gentlemen, Gentlemen, what do you mean 1 
 
 Faith, Damn you. Sir, you fhall pay me 
 
 Conft. There is the Money then, you have it pre- 
 tend to be wounded with that Thrust, Faithful. 
 
 S^Afide to him. 
 Faith. I am wounded — pray help to lead me home. 
 Lov, Oh Friend ! what have you done 
 Sir Dav, What's here, Murder ? 
 
 Conft, I hope the W ound's not mortal Curfe on my 
 
 unlucky Arm ; how doft thou, Ned? 
 
 Sir Dav. Do quotha ! if the Gentleman is wounded, 1 
 muft fecure you, Sir. 
 
 Const. Secure me. Sir ! Alas ! Sir, I don't intend to 
 fly ; a Pox of all Wagers, I fay. 
 
 Faith, Pray lead me to my Inn, for I feel my fpirits 
 very faint. 
 
 Lov, Lead you ! Alas, I doubt you cannot walk fo far. 
 Conft, What, is there not a Chair or Coach to be 
 got? 
 
 Lov, Sir David hdiS a Coach at the Door, if you could 
 prevail with him to lend it you a little. 
 
 Const, Sir, pray oblige us with your Coach, it fhall re- 
 turn immediately. 
 
 Sir Dav, With all my Heart. [Goes to the Door, and 
 
 /peaks to his Coachman aloud. 
 
 Tom., here, carry this Gentleman home d'ye hear, 
 
 and make Hafte back again. 
 
 Faith. Oh ! Friend, I underftand you now ; my Soul 
 dances with the bare Idea. 
 
 Conft. It has succeeded to my Wish — Lovelyy help, lead 
 him to the Coach. 
 
 Sir Dav. If there be any Danger, Mr. Lovely.^ take care 
 to fecure the Murderer. 
 
 Lov. Oh I they are intimate Friends, Sir David, he 
 won't flinch, I know. 
 
 E 3 Sir 
 
I02 The Mans bewitch' d ; oVy 
 
 Sir Dav, Well, well, look you to that. 
 
 \Ex, into the House, 
 Conjl. Manage ! Come you along with us, I have fome 
 inflructions for you. {Exeunt, 
 
 SCENE changes to the Outside of Trufly's House. 
 Enter Lovely, Conflant, Clinch, and Manage. 
 
 Lov. He'll certainly get Admittance to his Miflrefs by 
 this flratagem ; but if the Knight fhou'd find him there, 
 how will he come off? 
 
 Conji. Nay, let him look to that but Manage fhall 
 
 take Clifich^s great Coat, 'tis like a Livery. — Sweet Sir, 
 can you condefcend to wear a Livery an Hour or two 1 
 
 Man, To ferve my Mafler's Amour I will. Sir — elfe I 
 fcorn a Livery — I mufl have that black Wig too. 
 
 ConJi, Well, well ! Here Clinch^ change, change with 
 him. [ They change Clothes, 
 
 Clin, So Sir ! Now I am your Valet de Chambre, 
 
 Man. Well, Sir, what am I to do now 
 
 Confl, Why, go watch about Sir Davict^s Door, and as 
 you fee occafion, employ your Wits. 
 
 Man, Very well. Sir, let me alone for that ; your hum- 
 ble Servant, Gentlemen. [Exit, 
 
 Enter Dolly, one of the House, 
 Dolly. Oh ! Are you come, Captain ; I have told my 
 Miflrefs every Particular — Pleafe to walk in. Sir, I'll in- 
 form my Marter you are here. {They go in. 
 
 The SCENE drawsy and discovers them in a room, 
 
 Lov, 'Tis an admirable Projedl, Captain, if you are not 
 difcover'd ; but your Father will certainly know it in a 
 little Time. 
 
 Confl, If poffible, Pll marry the Woman to-night. 
 
 Lov, I fear Sir Jeffrey will refent the Trick. 
 
 Confl, I hope to convince him the Trick was upon 
 Trusty ; for he may recover the Money of him, if he pleafes, 
 and with me it may pafs for his Daughter's Portion : but 
 rather than fail, I'll give the Steward my Bond, when 'tis 
 difcover'd, to refund the Money, when I become Mafter 
 
 of 
 
The Devil to do about her. 103 
 
 of my Father's Eftate ; for without Belinda^ nothing can 
 make me happy. 
 
 Clin, Ah, Sir, you'll fcarce find a Man in the Army of 
 your Mind — Prefer a Woman to Money ! Why, Sir, Mo- 
 ney is the very Hinge the whole World turns upon A 
 
 Soldier, and not love Money ! Money has Power to al- 
 ter all Conflitutions, and in fpite of Cuflom, ftamp what 
 Form it pleafes — 'Twill make an honefl Man a Knave ; 
 nay, 'twill make a Knave an honeft Man — 'twill make a 
 Coward valiant — an old Woman young — a young Woman 
 a Saint- a Lawyer jufl — a Statefman loyal — and a Cour- 
 tier keep his Word. 
 Lov. Ha, ha. Clinch is a Wit. 
 Clin. Faith, I always thought fo by my Poverty. 
 Conjl, Well hinted Clinch — I'm in thy Debt — 
 
 [gives him half a Guinea, 
 Clin, Oh Sir, I am yours in all Refpedls — Oh ! this 
 dear Colour ! 
 
 What can there be that this dear Coin canH buy ? 
 For thee Men toil and f w eat, /wear ^ cheat and lye ; 
 For thee does Friend his dearejl Friend betray, 
 And Women give their very Souls away, 
 yoin but Ambition to this glitf ring Evil, 
 And in an Injlant Man is 7nade a Devil. 
 ConJl. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 Lov, Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Conjl. Ad's-heart, Sir, fet your weeping Face in order 
 — Here comes the Steward — 
 
 Enter Trufly. 
 
 Tru. Captain Conjiant, your Servant ! you are welcome 
 into the Country. What, you are in want of Men ; I 
 warrant you are going to raife Recruits. 
 
 Conji. Not at this Time, Sir ; 'tis a more unwelcome 
 Accident that brought me down. {Takes out a Handker- 
 chief, and feems to weep. 
 
 Truft. Good lack ! the News is really true then, Sir 
 Jeffrey is dead. 
 
 Clin. Ay, poor Gentleman, he's laid low 
 
 Truji. I confefs I heard fo, but I hop'd it might be Re- 
 port only ; I did defign to have fet out for London as foon 
 
 as I had din'd My Heart akes Blefsme! What 
 
 have 
 
I04 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 have I paid without any Receipt ? 1 lov'd Sir Jejffrey 
 
 like a Brother : truly I am very much troubled 
 
 [feems to weep. 
 
 Clin. Grief is very catching, I find ; it makes me weep 
 
 too Be comforted, Sir, {l^o Conflant.^ Fathers mufl 
 
 go as well as Sons Why do you afflidl yourself at this 
 
 rate, Sir ? Since Death is Death, who can help it ? 
 
 Lov. Pray be comforted, Sir John — \To Conftant. 
 
 Truft, Pray of what Diflemper did he die ? 
 
 Clin. Ah ! Deuce on't ! What was that hard Word ? 
 Now can't I think on't, as I hope to be Great — 
 
 Lov. Of an Apoplexy — A Pox on the Dodlors, for giv- 
 ing Death fo many flrange Names. S^Aftde. 
 
 Clin. Right, Sir He died of an Apoplexy, Sir. 
 
 Tru. Of an Apoplexy ! Why then I doubt he died fud- 
 denly. 
 
 Conjl, In a Moment's Time, Sir, he was alive and 
 dead 
 
 Clin. Ay, without ever fpeaking one Word, Sir — 
 
 Tru. (Roars ont) Oh, oh, oh. Did he fettle his Affairs 
 in his Health ? Did he make any Will ? 
 
 ConJl. Not any, Sir. 
 
 Cli7i. No, Sir ; he has left all Sixes and Sevens. 
 
 Tru. Oh, oh, oh [faints. 
 
 Lov. Ha ! Help, Clinch, I hope he is not dead. 
 Clin. No, no, he breathes, thank Heaven ; pray you 
 look up, Sir. 
 
 Conji. Why are you thus concerned ? 
 
 Lov. You really encrease Sir John's Grief, Sir. 
 
 Tru. Oh ! what have I lofl } 
 
 Conjl. I know you have lofl a Friend in my Father ; 
 but you fliall find him again in me. 
 
 Tru. Oh, but he has left all Things at fixes and fe- 
 vens, Clinch fays — Did he fay nothing to you about me 
 before he dy'd ? 
 
 ConJl. Not a Syllable — But I fuppose your Concern 
 proceeds from having paid him Money without any Thing 
 to fhow for it under his Hand. 
 
 Tru. Ay, Sir, there's my Misfortune — Oh, oh. 
 
 Clin. 'Tisthe Money, not the Man — Let not that trou- 
 ble, you. Sir, my young M after has been informed to a 
 Farthing what it was — Tell him, tell him, Sir, your Fa- 
 ther 
 
The Devil to do about her, 105 
 
 ther appeared, and let me alone to clinch it. [A/cde to 
 
 Conflant. 
 
 Trti. Inform'd ! 
 
 Conji. Yes, Mr. Tru/iy; my Father cou'd not reft till 
 he had difclos'd your Affair. 
 
 Clin. Ah, good honefl Soul ! feeing he was fnatch'd 
 away fo fuddenly, he has feveral Times appeared. 
 
 Tru. How ! appeared, fay you ? 
 
 Clin. Afk my M after else. 
 
 Con/l. Mofl certain, Sir. 
 
 Clin. He haunted us fix Days like the Devil ; fome- 
 
 times like a fhag Dog Sometimes like a white Pidgeon 
 
 — At lafl he took his own Shape. Clinch, faid he, don't 
 you know me ? Then addreffmg himfelf to my Mailer, 
 don't be afraid, faid he, I come to tell you, that at feveral 
 Times, I have received from Mr. Trujly 
 
 Tru. Ah dear Ghofl, dear Ghofl ; how much did he 
 fay? 
 
 Conjl. Eight hundred Pound. 
 
 Tru. Right to a Penny ; look ye there now, fee what 
 it is to deal with honefl Men ; one lofes nothing by them 
 tho' in their Graves. 
 
 Clin. Oh, the Dead, Sir, are always generous ; they 
 value Money no more than that — \Snapping his Fingers. 
 
 Tru. Poor Gentleman, that he fhou'd take a Journey 
 from the other World upon my Account. 
 
 Clin. Ah, Sir, the Dead ride Pofl upon the Winds — 
 He charg'd me to tell you, for your Satisfadlion, he wou'd 
 come and give you an Acquittance himfelf. 
 
 Tru. By no means, I am content ; let the Dead vifit 
 who they will for me. 
 
 ConJl. O, fear not, Sir, he'll not trouble you ; but to 
 our Bufmess, Sir, what you have paid 1 will difcount, 
 
 Tru. And the reft of the Money is at your Service, and 
 my Daughter too, Sir John, if you have not loft the Re- 
 membrance of her. 
 
 Conjl. To fhow you that I have not, Mr. Trujly, I af- 
 fure you llie will be the welcomeft Prefent of the two. 
 
 Lov. Thy Bufmess is done. Constant. 
 
 Tru. Say you fo, Sir John ! Well, I'll fetch the Writ- 
 ings, and difpatch fome Affairs, and then I'll carry you to 
 
 E 5 my 
 
io6 The Mans bewitch' d ; or, 
 
 my Daughter — But upon fecond Thoughts, pleafe to walk 
 into my Study, 'tis more convenient. 
 
 Conji. With all my Heart, Til follow you 
 
 [Exit Trufty. 
 
 Lov, Matters go as you cou'd wifh ; you'll be married 
 to-night, Captain. 
 
 Con/i, I with 'twere over ; Egad Pd rather fight half 
 a dozen Men, than defcend to this rafcally Way of Ly- 
 ing, were there any Help for it ; it is beneath a Soldier. — 
 A Soldier /corns the whining Lover'' s Art ; 
 His Courage takes PoJ/'eJJion of the Heart : 
 Difdains by Treachery to raife his Name^ 
 But boldly owns the bright ambitious Flame, 
 And courts his Mijlrefs as he courts his Fame. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE, Trufty in his Study, with Conftant, 
 Lovely and Clinch. Papers and Money upon 
 the Table, 
 
 Trufly, npHERE, Sir John, there are in thefe Bags 
 JL Two and twenty hundred Pounds, which, 
 with the Eight hundred I remitted Sir Jeffrey, is just Three 
 thousand Pound ; if you pleafe, you may count it, 'tis 
 mofl in Gold. 
 
 ConJi. No, Pll take your Word for't ; here, Clinch, 
 carry it to Drive the Carrier, he is jufl now going to 
 London order him where to pay it in, d'ye hear? 
 
 Clin, Yes, Sir {Exit with the Bags, 
 
 Lov, He is loaden with it ; ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Tru, Poor Sir JeJ^rey, reft his Soul, did promife to bate 
 me twenty Pound a Year ; for I have paid him two hun- 
 dred Pounds a Year thefe fixteen Years, for that Land 
 which is not worth an Hundred and four-fcore. 
 
 Lov, Say you fo, Mr. Trujiy ? Then you muft perform 
 your Father's Promife, Sir John, 
 
 ConJl, Ay, when he has paid me as much as he has my 
 Father. 
 
 Lov^ Come, fhall I fettle Matters between you ? Ad- 
 vance 
 
The Devil to do about her, 107 
 
 vance Sir yohn a hundred Pounds ; you know he has been 
 kept fhort, and doubtlefs has Occafion for ready Money, 
 and he lhall bate you twenty Pound a Year. 
 
 Tru. Oh, that^s all one, Mr. Lovely — I can't do that. 
 
 Conjl, Nay, fmce Mr. Lovely has proposed it, if you 
 won't do that 
 
 Tru. Well, but Sir John^ perhaps you'll expedl a large 
 Fortune with my Daughter ; I can't tell you how to 
 
 Confl. I afk you for none, Sir. 
 
 Tru. Why then there's the hundred Pound ; but you 
 mufl fignify at the Bottom of this Leafe our Bargain. 
 
 Enter Roger, a Farmer, 
 
 Cenjl. Give it me, I'll do't. \_fits down to write, 
 
 Rog. Morrow, Landlord, I ha' brought you a little Rent, 
 and in troth 'tis but a little neither ; for we ha' had but a 
 forry Crop of Barley, and the Crows, a Murrain take 'em, 
 ha' eat up all my Beans, I think. 
 
 Tru. But you have a new Landlord, Roger. Old Sir 
 Jeffrey is dead, and there's his Son. 
 
 Rog. Say you fo ; Mafter ! Blefs you. Sir, I did not 
 know your Father, not I, tho' I have paid him many a 
 
 fair Pound Nor I dan't know you ; but an you be my 
 
 Landlord, I'm an honeft Man ; and tho' I fay it, pay my 
 Rent as well as any body. 
 
 Conft. I don't doubt it, Friend — I am forry your Harvell 
 has not prov'd fo good as you expdled. 
 
 Rog. I hope, Mafter, for Luck's fake now, you'll 'bates 
 me fomething of my Rent. 
 
 Conji. I can't do that, Roger— Y ox taxes takes away 
 all my Money 
 
 Rog. Nay, as you fay, Mafter, thefe Taxes are fad 
 Things, that's the Truth on't — Od they find out ftrange 
 Ways ; they had got a Trick here once to make one pay 
 for one's Head — Mercy on us, I was afraid they wou'd 
 make one pay for one's Tail too — My Neighbour Whatde 
 
 call um fays it coft him the Lord knows what in Bu- 
 
 ryings and Chriftnings Adod 'tis a fore Thing, a Man 
 
 mufl pay for lying with his own Wife. 
 
 Lov. Ha, ha, ha, 'tis a Grievance indeed ; but Taxes 
 can't be help'd fo long as the Wars continue. 
 
 Rog, Wars ! Why what need there be any Wars 
 E 6 Can't 
 
io8 The Mans bewitcJid ; or^ 
 
 Can't People live peaceably and quietly among tliemfelves 
 — If they will fquabble and play the Rogue, let 'em go 
 to Law ; can't they fet the Lawyers to work ! I warrant 
 they'll quickly make them as quiet as Lambs. 
 
 Conjl, Ha, ha, ha ; but we are at W^ars with a Prince 
 that cares for no Laws but his own ; nay, he breaks them 
 too, when 'tis his Intereft. 
 
 Rog, Why then Mercy upon us, I say — Well an how ! 
 may one wifh you much Joy ? Ha, you got a Wife, Land- 
 lord ? By the Mefs you are a pretty Man. 
 
 Conft. I'm not fo happy yet, Roger. 
 
 Rog. Say you fo ? Good lack, I'm forry for't. — Why 
 now here's Mafler Trujiy has a good fweatly look'd Gen- 
 lewoman to his Daughter — What think you of her, Land- 
 lord ? — Od, and all Parties was agreed, fhe'd make a rare 
 Bedfellow, I perfuaded. 
 
 Lov. I iDelieve Sir John is of your Mind ; have you 
 any Interefl with her Father ? 
 
 Rog. Not I, in troth, Mafler Lovely — but the Gentle- 
 woman is of a fweet Temper. 
 
 Lov. Do you think you cou'd perfuade her to run away 
 with him. 
 
 Rog. Wou'd I cou'd. Sir for a pretty Woman is the 
 
 befl Luggage in the World — for when a Man is weary, 
 he may reft upon it ; ha, ha. 
 
 Conji. You are waggifh, Roger. 
 
 Trusty. Yes, yes, Roger will joke ; there's your Ac- 
 quittance, if Sir John pleafe to fign it. 
 
 ConJi. 'Tis the fame Thing if you fign it, Mr. Trusty. 
 
 \Signs the Note. 
 
 Trusty, I find my Daughter (lands fair in your Opinion, 
 Roger. 
 
 Rog. Look ye, Sir — I hope you arn't angry ! I meant 
 
 no harm 1 fpoke as I thought ; an I had a hundred 
 
 Daughters my Landlord, and Mr. Lovely fhould have 
 
 them all, an they wou'd ; ha, ha. 
 
 Co7ift. I am obliged to you truly. 
 
 Lov. Oh ! a hundred wou'd be too many. 
 
 ConJi. Prithee haft thou never a fingle one at present ? 
 
 Rog. Not that I know of, in troth, Sir ; but an you'll 
 do me a small Kindnefs, Sir, I may chance to get you 
 one about fourteen Years hence. 
 
 Lov. 
 
The Devil to do about her, 109 
 
 Lov. That will be fomething too long to flay. 
 
 Conji. But what can I fervc thee in, Roger ? 
 
 Rog, Why, Mrs. Belinda has a kind of a Maid called 
 Dorothy ; I have had a hankering Mind after her thefe 
 two Years ; but the fliving Baggage will not come to a 
 Resolution yet. 
 
 T?'u. You muft apply yourfelf to my Daughter, Roger, 
 fhe'll be the beft Advocate ; but I doubt (he's too fine for 
 you. 
 
 Rog. Too fine ! nay, nay, V\\ never quarrel with her 
 for that ; andfhe can win Gold, as the Saying is, e'en let 
 her wear it. 
 
 Trii, But I doubt you are not fine enough for her. 
 Rog. Mayhap fo. as you fay ; indeed, I have not fuch 
 gay Clothes as thefe Gentlefolk have, becaufe 1 can't af-' 
 
 ford it, de ye fee 1 elfe I fhou'd like 'em well enough 
 
 In troth, I believe I havefome Seeds of a Gentleman in 
 me ; for methiaks now I like broad Cloath better than 
 my Leathern Breeches ; and a Holland Shirt, far before 
 a Hempen one — adod methinks, J, I, I, cou^d be well e- 
 
 nough contented with a Bottle of Wine every Day 1 
 
 am mainly inclined to ftrong Beer — and don't care a Far- 
 thmg if I never were to drink any fmall. 
 
 Lov. Oh ! extraordinary Symptoms of a Gentleman, 
 I'll affure you — Well, we'll fpeak to Dolly for you. 
 
 Tr74. Ay, ay, we'll all fpeak for you ; go, go into the 
 . Cellar then, and drink thy Belly full. 
 
 Con. Be fure to drink Dollys Health. 
 
 Rog. Thank you kindly. Sir — Ay, ay, Mafler, that I 
 will, 1 promife you, in a full Horn — So, Landlord, good- 
 by to you with all my Heart. 
 
 Tru. Now, Sir John., I'll fend my Daughter to keep 
 you Company, till I look for fome Leafes your Father 
 order'd me to get drawn, which, if you think fit to 
 fign 
 
 Con. If the Tenants are able Men, with all my Heart. 
 
 Tru. Oh ! very fufficient Men, Sir John. [Ex. Trufty. 
 
 Lov, Well, thou haft fecured the Money, Conjlant ; 
 and my Advice is to difpatch the Woman, as fafl as you 
 can, and find fome Pretence to defer thefe Leafes for two 
 or three Days— Sir Jeffrey is whimfical, and if he fhou'd 
 alter his Mind, and come down. — 
 
 Con. 
 
no The Mans bewitch! d; or, 
 
 Con. Here wou'd be no flaying for me, if he fhou'd y 
 
 therefore I defign to be as quick as poffible but here 
 
 comes the Star that guides me to Happinefs 
 
 Enter Behnda and Maria. 
 
 Lov, And my Pilot 
 
 Mar, What Voyage are you for, pray ? 
 
 Lov. The everlafling Voyage of Matrimony, Child : — 
 And your Eyes are two fuch dangerous Rocks, that 
 nothing but your Tongue can fleer me into Harbour. 
 
 Mar, But any of my Sex can fleer you out ; you'll be 
 for crufmg from Port to Port, to make that everlafling 
 Voyage agreeable. 
 
 Lov. No, Faith, where I drop my Anchor, there my 
 
 Veffel is moored for Life. Well, Con/iant, what fays 
 
 the Eady ? will fhe let thy Habeas Corpus remove her ? 
 
 Bel. Out of one Prifon into another, is it not fo, Con- 
 ftfint ? 
 
 Lov. Interrogating ! Nay, then 'tis proper to be alone ; 
 there is a very pretty Colle6lion of Prints in the next 
 Room, Madam, will you give me leave to explain them 
 to you ? 
 
 Mar. Any Thing that may divert your Love-Subje<fl. 
 
 {Exit 
 
 Con. Can Belinda term my Arms a Prifon ? 
 
 Bel. But Marriage is a Fetter, Conjlant. 
 
 Con. I'll not make it one ; I'm a true Britijh Subjedl, 
 I'm for Liberty and Property. 
 
 Bel. And Self-Interefl, for they are infeparable. 
 
 Con. I hope our Interefls are the fame, and whenlink'd, 
 will be the ftronger. Come, Madam, confider our Op- 
 portunity may be fhort, we ought to be quick, to prevent 
 Difcovery ; I have your Father's Confent, 
 
 Bel. Difcovery ! why, what is it you fear ? 'tis but 
 reafonable I be let into the Secret, if I'm in Danger of 
 fharing the Punifhment, Sir John. 
 
 Con. Why that Sir John^ Belinda ? I know you are 
 inform'd of all, then do not ridicule my ardent Paffion ; 
 'twas my Love for you that firfl infpir'd me with this 
 
 Stratagem ; then prithee come, my deareft. 
 
 [ Taking her Hand. 
 
 Bel. 
 
The Devil to do about her. 1 1 1 
 
 BeL Not a ftep, fweet Servant — Pll know upon what 
 Terms I capitulate, e'er I furrender. 
 
 Con, Terms ! Madam ! Has not Dolly told you of the 
 Plot? 
 
 BeL Yes, upon your Father and mine, Captain, but I 
 don't think it fafe to join in it ! Suppofe my Father be 
 obliged to pay back this Money ; may not that be Provo- 
 cation enough to difown me? and if your's fhou'd for 
 
 this Trick difmherit you ? What Jointure can you 
 
 make me ? 
 
 Con. My Heart, Madam. 
 
 Bel. Pfliaw ! that is the flippery'ft Piece in all Fortune's 
 
 Treafure — we never can be certain of that 
 
 Con. Then my Soul. 
 
 Bel. Where fhall I find it? The Learned can't agree 
 where to place it ; therefore I'll have no Trouble about 
 that. 
 
 Con. Then take my Body for Bail, that I'm fure is 
 forth-coming. 
 
 Bel. Ay, but there's No — Ne exeat Regnum in Love's 
 Court 
 
 Con. To cut off all Obje<5lions, I fettle this Money up- 
 on you ; and either put it out to Interefl, or purchafe fome 
 pretty Retirement ; where if Belinda loves but half fo 
 well, as T flattere'd myfelf fhe did, I can forfake all Courts 
 and Company — and prefer a Grott with her, before all 
 the Trappings of the Fools of Fortune 
 
 Bel. Generoufly faid ! I have try'd thee, Conjlant ; and 
 find thy Nature like thy Name ; there take my Hand — 
 my Heart was thine before. 
 
 Con. ' Tis Syjnpathy of Souls that joins us two^ 
 Death only shall our Gordion Knot undo. 
 
 BeL Until that Hour^ Belinda will be true. 
 
 Re-enter Lovely and Maria. 
 Lov. Joy to thee, my Friend ; and you, Madam, we 
 
 over-heard your Proteftations 
 
 Con. Prithee let's fetch the Parfon this Minute. 
 
 Lov. To chufe — Ladies, we'll return inftantly. {Exit. 
 
 Mar. Profperity to Belinda ! 
 
 BeL Dare not you bear me Company, Girl ? Have you 
 the Heart to let me run this Hazard alone ? 
 
 Mar. 
 
I 12 
 
 The Man's bewitch! d ; oVy 
 
 Mar. Why, what wou'd you have me do ? 
 
 BeL Even what I defign to do — Marry — for Pm sure 
 thou lov'fl that handfome young Fellow. 
 
 Mar. I find you underftand your own Conflitution, Be- 
 linda. 
 
 Bel. So well ; that if you follow my Example, youll 
 a61 as refolutely. 
 
 Mar. Thine is a rafh Venture, if Sir yeffrey fhou'd not 
 forgive him. 
 
 Bel. The more honourable ; we have Love, and that's 
 the befl Eflate in a married Life. 
 
 Mar. I'rue. but what can we poor Women do, whofe 
 
 Parents are not inclined to grant our Wifhes ; you 
 
 know mine are fet againfl the Match 
 
 Bel. Pugh, Parents will relent in Time If not, Mr. 
 
 Lovely has Fortune enough to make you happy — You love 
 him, and he loves yon ; were I in your Place, Ed fain fee 
 a third fhou^d part us. 
 
 Mar. True, I do love him — but will not marry him, 
 without a Portion ; he fhall never throw that in my Difh, 
 I refolve. 
 
 Bel. An admirable Refolution truly Then you'll go 
 
 on; hang your Head, crofs your Arms, figh your Soul 
 into the Air — fit up all Night like a Watch- Candle, and 
 
 diftil your Brains through your Eye-lids for fo I have 
 
 done no, no, Girl, e'en let us fave our Tears, till we 
 
 are married. 
 
 Mar. What, you think like mofl Wives, we fhall have 
 Occafion for them then, ha, ha. 
 
 Bel. As it may fall out Then let us marry whilft 
 
 we are young, that we may be able to bear it with the 
 better Courage. — —But here's my Father over Head and 
 Ears in Papers ; I tremble though, to think what he will 
 fay when he finds the Cheat. 
 
 Etiter Trufly, with Papers in his Hand. 
 
 Mar. And fee who is behind him [Enter Num 
 
 ajtd Slouch. 
 
 Bel. I have a fudden Thought how to divert my Fa- 
 ther's Anger ; when alFs difcover'd, I'll put it in pradlice. 
 Sir, your humble Servant. 
 
 Num. 
 
The Devil to do about her, 1 1 3 
 
 Num. Od, fhe fpeaks, Slouch Nay, Madam, Fm 
 
 your humble Servant. 
 
 Tru. Ha ! what's that ? — Why, Sir, I admire — hey-day, 
 where are the Gentlemen, Daughter ? 
 
 Nu7n. Gentlemen, Sir, why here is one Gentleman ; 
 indeed I can't fay much for Slouch 
 
 Tru. Why don't you anfwer me, ha ? 
 
 Bel. I know not, Sir, they went out foon after we 
 entered. 
 
 Mar. They whifper'd, Sir, and left the Room. 
 Tru. Ah ! I don't like that 
 
 Slou. May-hap they are gone to fight for Mrs. Belinda. 
 An fhe'd marry you, M after, now, how rarely they'd be 
 chous'd, ha, ha. 
 
 Num. Od, fo they wou'd, as you fay. Slouch — 
 
 Madam, what fay you ? Mr. Trujiy^ fhall we make an end 
 on't 1 I know you are a merry Man, and did but joke 
 wi' me. 
 
 T7'u. Say you fo ! I doubt you won't find it fo. Sir. 
 
 Num. No ! Why I verily believe the Gentlewoman has 
 a Kindnefs for me, by her Looks ; how fay you, Miflrefs ? 
 fpeak the Truth, and ftiame the Devil, as the Saying is — 
 han't you ? 
 
 Bel. Well, if 1 muft fpeak the Truth, 'Squire, I have 
 as much Kindnefs for you as for anybody ; my Father 
 commanded me to love. 
 
 Trufly. Ay ! why what fay you to Sir John Conjlant ? 
 Don't you like him better.^ 
 
 Bel. I did once, Sir, but I don't remember I ever had 
 your Confent in that. 
 
 Trufly. You have it now then — 'Tis time enough ; it is 
 good to know what one has to trufl to. 
 
 Bel. Your Leave now. Sir, comes too late, he may 
 have chang'd his Mind. 
 
 Trufly. No, no, you fhall be married to-Night, he fhan't 
 have time to think of Change. 
 
 Num. Look ye. Sir, fair and foftly — he shall not have 
 her to Night, may-hap— for all your hafle ; Slouch^ fland 
 by me. 
 
 Slou. That I will, Mafter, in any Ground in England. 
 
 Mar Humph ! I guefs her drift 
 
 Bel. Then 'tis time for me to think on't Sir. 
 
 ^ VOL. III. Trufly. 
 
114 Mans beivitcJid; or, 
 
 Trujly. Hey-day, whaf s here now ? 
 
 Bel. 1 don't like Matches huddled up in hafle ; and I 
 learn't from your Inflruclions, Sir, to confult my future 
 Happinefs in a marry'd State. 
 
 Num. Good again, I'faith, ha, ha. 
 
 Trujiy, Your future Happinefs ! Why, what can crofs 
 your future Happinefs, Miflrefs 1 
 
 Num. What, will they quarrel about me now, Slouch^ 
 ha? 
 
 Slou. The Woman has a woundy Mind to you, I fee 
 that, Mafter. 
 
 Bel. Sir John!s Carriage is more loofe and familiar than 
 
 formerly from which I draw this Conclufion, Sir ; that 
 
 he thinks his Quality may now command, and when a 
 Lover lofes Refpe6l, his Sincerity quickly follows. I like 
 not the Method of our Quality — The Name of Hufband 
 without the Fondnefs, is like a Title without an Eflate, of 
 no value with the Wife. 
 
 Mar. I am of her Opinion, Sir. 
 
 Num. And I too. Faith Od, fhe talks rarely ; I 
 
 fhall have her, I find In my Confcience I love her ten 
 
 times the better, becaufe I fee Ihe loves me and let me 
 
 tell you, Sir, your Daughter is honefter than you are — 
 Why fhou'd you pretend to crofs her Will ? You plainly 
 fee, fhe has a Mind to no body but me Mun 
 
 Tru. I plainly fee you are a Fool, and fhe's another — 
 
 Num. Look ye, fay what you will o' me, but don't af- 
 front her ; for all you are her Father, I won't let my Wife 
 be caird Names, de ye fee. 
 
 Tru. Zounds, get out of my Doors. 
 
 Nu7n. Ay, but who is the Fool then ? 
 
 Bel. Pray be calm ; fmce you once lik'd the Squire for a 
 Son-in-laW; I hope I fhan't difoblige you in preferring 
 him before Sir Joh7i for a Husband. 
 
 Num. Difoblige him ! who cares if it does, Madam : 
 Come along 
 
 Mar. Ha, ha. If thy Father fhou'd take thee at thy 
 Word, Belinda ? 
 
 Bel. My Stars forbid 
 
 Tru. Did you ever fee fuch a provoking Creature ? 
 Enter Conflant and Lovely. 
 
 Oh, Sir yohn, 'tis well you are come Where have 
 
 you 
 
The Devil to do abottt her. 1 1 5 
 
 you been ; You are in Danger of lofing your Miftrefs 
 here. 
 
 Con. I hope, Sh*, I have taken the beft Way to fecure 
 her. 
 
 Lov. If the Parfon can do it, for we have got him in 
 the next Room. 
 
 Bel. To Conflant.] Humour what I fay 
 
 Tru. Now Miflrefs, you had beft bring your Objedlions 
 again, and fpoil your Fortune. 
 
 Bel. To Num.] If you dare maintain your Claim to 
 me, I am yours — I fay again, Sir, I like the Squire befl. 
 
 JSfum. Dare ! od, I, I, I, I, dare a, a. 
 
 Con. What dare you do, Sir ? 
 
 Nimi. What a Plague do you flare at fo 
 • Con. What was that you mutter^ ! What dare you do ? 
 
 Nu7n. I dare do as much as you dare do What a 
 
 Pox, Fm not to be frighted wi' Looks, muji. 
 
 Slo. Od, take heed, Mafler, he has a woundy long 
 Sword. 
 
 Num. A Sword ! I care not a for his Sword, nor 
 
 him neither. [ Walks aboiU in a Heat. 
 
 Mar^ Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Bel. Ha, ha, ha, Sir John, this Gentleman is a Perfon 
 whom I efteem. 
 
 Num. Ay, Sir, and one that fhe intends to marry too. 
 Con. Marry ! when, Sir ? 
 
 Num. When fhe pleafes, Sir ; now, an you^ll lend us 
 your Parfon ? 
 
 Lov. Ay, 'tis fit you afk him Leave indeed ! 
 
 Con. ril lend you my Sword in your Guts firfl. 
 
 Nu7n. Your Sword in my Guts Slouch, give me 
 
 your Cudgel {Snatches his Stick. 
 
 Slou. Ads Blead, clear the Way, clear the Way ; FU 
 turn the 'Squire loofe to any Man in ZomerfetJJiire. 
 
 Num. Come, out with your Spit, mun -Wounds, 
 
 and I don't make ye put it up again, I'll ne'er flrike 
 ftroke more. 
 
 Con. The Devil, he'll knock me down. {Lays his Hand 
 
 on his Swo7'd. 
 
 Tru. Oh don't draw. Sir Joh^t Lay down your 
 
 Stick, Sir, and get you about your Bufmefs, or you'll 
 oblige me to ufe you worfe than I am willing to do. 
 
 Mar. Excellent Sport, ha, ha. Lov. 
 
ii6 
 
 The Man's bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 Lov, Incomparable, ha, ha. 
 
 BeL Who cou'd have thought the Lout fo courageous 
 — Oh pray let us have no fighting. 
 
 Tru. You have had your Anfwer, Sir, therefore pray 
 be gone quietly. 
 
 Bel. You 'fright me out of my Wits^ 'Squire ; pray go 
 out of my Father's Houfe peaceably ; if you love me, do, 
 we'll find fome other Way. 
 
 Nu7n. Love ye, yes, I do love you ; or what makes 
 me in fuch a Paffion, think you Well, well, I will go 
 
 out Look ye. Sir, an you be a Man, follow me ; I'll 
 
 box fairly with you now for half a Crown, and this 
 
 Gentleman fhall hold Stakes, and fee fair Play If you 
 
 dare now? 
 
 Lov, Fie, fie, 'Squire, Gentlemen don't ufe to box. 
 
 Con. Box, ye Blockhead, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Nujn. Blockhead ! Zounds, I'll learn you to call 
 
 Names. {Strips off his Coat. 
 
 Slou. Come on Sirrah, I'll fight with you at the fame 
 Time — (begins to Jirip) I'll ftand by my Mailer, for the 
 Honour of Zomerfetjhire. 
 
 Clin. Death, you fhamble ham'd Dog ! I'll beat your 
 Head off {Give him a Box of the Ear. 
 
 Ntun. Ay ! are you there ? Faith, come on — come on. 
 
 {Falls foul upon Clinch. 
 
 Lov. Hold, hold, two to one is odds. {Pa7'ts them. 
 
 Clin, Let me alone, Sir, egad I'll fight 'em both. 
 
 Bel. Ha, ha, ha, what do you do, 'Squire, fight with 
 a Footman ! Pray leave off, or you'll difoblige me for 
 ever. 
 
 Tru. Oh Lord, oh Lord ! What fhall I do ? 
 Num. What care I. 
 
 Mar. What don't you care for your Mifhrefs 
 
 Num. Yes, yes, but I won't be made a Fool on ; but I 
 
 will go an I were fure you wou'd not be forc'd to 
 
 marry this fame Spark 1 won't leave you in the Lurch, 
 
 Madam. 
 
 Bel. No, no, 'Squire, tney fhall not force me, I pro- 
 mife you. 
 
 Num, Then I go but look to't, an I catch you out 
 
 of this Houfe, by the Mafs I'll rib you. {Exit. 
 Om. Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Tru, 
 
The Devil to do about her, 1 1 7 
 
 Tru, Adod, I was out of all Patience v»/ith the Fool — 
 Come, take her by the Hand, Sir John, you fhall be mar- 
 ried this Minute, we'll fettle Bufmefs afterward. 
 
 Bel. Indeed, Sir, you'll repent this hafly Match. 
 
 Con. What means Belinda ? 
 
 Bel. You fhall know within. 
 
 Tru, Get along In my Soul, I think the whole 
 
 Compofition of Women is Contradiction. \Ex. omnes. 
 
 SCENE Sir David'j- Houfe. 
 
 Enter Faithful and Coachman. 
 Faith. There, honefl Coachman, drink my Health ; 
 but pray can't I fpeak with the Gentlewoman of the 
 Houfe? 
 
 Coach. Sir David has no Wife, Sir ; but here is a young 
 Lady, Fll call her Maid ; Mrs. Lucy. Mrs. Lucy, here is 
 a Gentleman wou'd fpeak Avith your Miftrefs 
 
 Enter Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. A Gentleman ! blefs me, how came you to let a 
 Man in, Thomas, in Sir David^?, Abfence ? 
 
 Coach. Sir David bid me himfelf, or you may befure I 
 had not done it 1 thank you. Sir. \_Ex Coachman. 
 
 Lucy. What do I fee ? Mr. Faithful. 
 
 Faith. The fame ! How fares my Love, my dearefl 
 Laura ? Quick bring me to her, I am impatient till I fee 
 her. 
 
 Lucy. Nay, nay, fhe wou'd be as impatient as you, if 
 
 fhe knew you were here But by what Miracle did you 
 
 prevail with Sir David? 
 
 Faith. Prithee afk no Queflions — Pll inform thy Lady ; 
 hafle, my Time's but fhort, therefore mufl improve it. 
 
 Lucy. Well, follow me then. {Exit. 
 
 The SCENE draws, and dif covers Mrs. h3,uYa, at her 
 Spinet. 
 
 After the Song, enter Lucy and Faithful. 
 
 Lait. AVhat did that Blockhead bawl fo for, Lucy ? 
 Lucy. To have an Acquaintance of yours admitted, 
 Madam. 
 
 Lau, 
 
ii8 The Mans bewitch! d; or, 
 
 Lau, An Acquaintance of mine ! — Ha ! my di^^x Faith- 
 ful ! Am I awake ? and is it really he ? 
 
 Faith. My dearefl Love — {Run into 07ie another's Arms.) 
 Oh let me hold thee here for ever, for ever tafle the Nec- 
 tar on thefe Lips There is flill the fame Fragrancy, 
 
 as when we parted lafl. 
 
 Lau. Oh \ it was a fatal Parting— Say, my Love, how 
 cam'ft thou here ? for the old Monfler allows no Mortal 
 to vifit me. 
 
 Faith, By Stratagem, my Dear ; he fent me hither in 
 his Coach, yet knows not I am come ; thou fhalt have 
 the Story at more convenient Leifure ; but now let us 
 employ our Time to advantage. 
 
 Lau. Heavens ! how I tremble ! He'll foon be back, 
 for he's never out above half an Hour. — Lucy, watch be- 
 low. [Fxit.'] What can this fhort Interview avail us ? 
 which Way fhall I get out of his Power ? The naufeous 
 Goat told Lticy he defigned to marry me himfelf— and cafls 
 fuch loving Looks every time he fees me, that I am half 
 diftradled, left he fhould give his horrid Paffion vent. 
 
 Faith. Ha ! Confound his Paffion with himfelf — Con- 
 fent to fly with me to a Friend's Houfe in Town, where 
 we'll be married, and put it out of his Power to confine 
 thee. 
 
 Lau. With all my Heart My Prifon is fo odious to 
 
 me, I need but fmall Intreaties to make me quit it 
 
 This is the Clofet he keeps my Writings in ; if we cou'd 
 contrive to get them along with us, or he'll give us Trouble 
 enough to get 'em out of his Hand ; here — don't you 
 think one might wrinch it open 1 
 
 Faith. So he may profecute us for a Robbery. 
 
 Lau. Let him, I'll meddle with nothing of his. 
 
 Enter Lucy hajiily. 
 
 Lucy. Oh Madam ! there's Sir David in a violent Paf- 
 fion, beating all the Servants in before him. 
 
 Lau. Undone ! What fliall I fay ? what will become 
 of thee ? 
 
 Faith. Sink the Villain Have Patience, my deareft, 
 
 take no Thought for me ; feem not to know me ; pretend 
 Surprize, and beg me to be gone ; leave the reft to me. 
 
 Enter 
 
The Devil to do about her, 1 1 9 
 
 Enter Sir David, beating his Men i7i upon the Stage, 
 Sir Dav. Ye Dogs, what have you done, ha? 
 Coach. What do you beat me for ? Did you not bid me 
 carry him home ? 
 
 Sir Dav, Zounds, not to my Home, you Rafcal. 
 
 iBeats him. 
 
 Faith, What do you mean, Madam, by faying you 
 don't know me ? 'Sdeath, did not I lodge here laft Night ? 
 Sir Dav, How's this ? how's this ? 
 
 Lau. No indeed, Sir, I never faw you before ; neither 
 do we let Lodgings, then pray be anfwer'd. 
 
 Faith, A very pretty Trick, faith ! What, have you a 
 
 Mind to cheat me of my Horfes, and Portmanteau 
 
 Look ye. Madam, this won't pafs upon me. 
 
 Sir Dav. No, nor upon me, neither, Sir. 
 
 Faith, Sir, your humble Servant ; I think I have had 
 the Honour to fee you fomevvhere. I am in difpute with 
 this Gentlewoman here ; fhe'd fain perfuade me i have 
 miflook my Inn and that I did not lie here laft Night. 
 
 Sir Dav. Lie here ! Why, do vou take this Lady for an 
 Hoftefs, Sir 
 
 Faith. Nay, Sir, fhe is very handfome — but why the 
 
 Devil muft Beauty make her deny her Calling ? Ad, 
 
 you Country Gentlemen do fo kifs and flatter your Land- 
 ladies, that egad, they don't know where their Tails hang 
 
 but we make them know themfelves in Londofi 
 
 Once more, will you call your Servants ? 
 
 Sir Dav, Oh the Devil ! ye Dogs, I'll be reveng'd on 
 you. \^Beats his Servants^ they rim off. 
 
 Sam, The Fault's not mine. Sir ; Thomas bid me let 
 him in. 
 
 Faith. What, no Attendance yet ? So, ho, Tapfter, 
 
 Chamberlain Pray Sir, fit down 1 warrant I'll 
 
 make fomebody hear — Heark ye, you Miftrefs — You are 
 not above your Bufmefs too, are you \To Lucy. 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh, oh, oh, I fhall go diftra61ed. 
 
 Lucy. Pray, Sir, know your way out, don't think I am 
 one of your Wenches. 
 
 Faith. Good lack ; ha, ha, what are you a fine Lady 
 too ? The Devil ! Sure this is a Bawdy-houfe 
 
 Sir Dav. I dare fwear you'd make it one, if you cou'd — 
 
 Faith. Sir, I take this for an extraordinary Inn — Pray 
 
 do 
 
I20 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 do me the Favour to lit Fll beat the Chamber down, 
 
 but ni make fomebody come up. So, ho, the Houfe 
 here \Sta7nps. 
 
 Sir Dav. A plague fpht you, what do you make all 
 this Noife for? Oh, oh. 
 
 Lau. Pray, Sir David, humour the Gentleman, for 1 
 fancy he is a little befide himfelf. 
 
 Sir Dav. Humour the Devil ! Hell and Furies ! This 
 muft be fome Rogue Here, where are you, Ralcals ? 
 
 Etiter Servants. 
 
 Faith. Ay, Scoundrels^ where are you ? Ye Dogs, what 
 is the Reafon we can have no Attendance ? (Strikes one of 
 thein.) Fetch us a Bottle of Claret, Sirrah, and bring us 
 Word what we can have to eat 
 
 Sir Dav. Bring a Bottle of Claret ! bring a Halter 
 
 What do you flrike my Servants for ? ha, Sir. 
 
 Faith. Your Servants, Sir ! They are my Servants, as 
 
 long as I pay for what I call for Ho ! I find you are 
 
 the Landlord of this well- governed Inn — Make your Peo- 
 ple more tractable, do you hear, Sir.^ Or I lhall not only 
 
 beat them, but you too Death, ye Villains, why don't 
 
 you flir ? {Strikes another, 
 
 Lau. What will be the End of this 1 All my Comfort 
 lies in his Affurance. 
 
 Sir Dav. Zounds, let him flir if he dares Get out 
 
 of my Houfe, Sirrah, or Fll lay you by the Heels ; don't 
 
 put your Shams upon us Don't bully here ; I thought 
 
 you was wounded when I lent you my Coach — But I find 
 you are a Rogue, and either defigned to rob my Houfe, or 
 ravilh this Lady — Fetch me a Conflable quickly; the 
 
 Devil ! Fll box with you, if you're for Boxing Get into 
 
 that Room, Laura, Fll deal with him I warrant ye — 
 
 {Puts Laura in. 
 
 Lau. Oh unfortunate ! Hom^ fhall I ever fee him again? 
 
 Faith, Fll be here about an Hour hence before this 
 Door. {To Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. Ah ! but to what Purpofe ? 
 
 Sir Dav. I thought you were wounded when I lent you 
 my Coach. 
 
 Faith. Wounded, Sir ! why fo I am, and my Wounds 
 
 bleed 
 
The Devil to do about her, 121 
 
 bleed afrefli with vexation Was it your Coach ? I find 
 
 I was miflaken then, you are not my Landlord ; I alk 
 your Pardon, Sir. 
 
 Enter Manage, running. 
 Sir Dav. Rot your Pardon — How now, who the Devil 
 are you, Sir ? 
 
 Man. I am this Gentleman's Servant — Blefs me, Sir, 
 what do you do here ? Why Sir John and Mr. Lovely 
 have been fearching all the Town for you ; they brought a 
 Surgeon to the Talbot^ and not finding you there, nor no 
 where elfe, fent me to afk this Gentleman's Coachman 
 where he drove you to, and fwear if you be not found 
 prefently, they'll indicfl the Coachman for your Murther. 
 
 Sir Dav. I wou'd you were all hang'd for Company ; 
 why, what a plaguy Miflake was here ? — 
 
 Faith. Ha ! A lucky Hint Blefs me. Sir, I am un- 
 der the greatefl Confufion imaginable ; can you forgive 
 me. Sir ? Upon my Honour, I thought I had been in my 
 Inn ; I aflc a thoufand Pardons, pray excufe me to the 
 Lady. 
 
 Sir Dav. O h. Sir, never trouble your H ead about the Lady. 
 
 Faith. Why, Sir, I'm a Gentleman. 
 
 Sir Dav. A Gentleman, Sir ! and what then. Sir ? 
 
 Faith. And am Mafler of an Eflate to fupport that 
 Character, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. Zounds, was ever Man fo plagu'd, to have 
 his Servants kick'd about like Foot-balls, his Houfe 
 thunder'd about his Ears like a common Inn, then to be 
 told impudently, I'm a Gentleman, and have an Eflate 
 to fupport that Charadler } 
 
 Faith. I afk your Pardon agen, Sir, for the unlucky 
 Accident, in miflaking your Houfe ; but cannot appre- 
 hend what Crime I have committed in my Apology. 
 
 Sir Dav. Sir, without any manner of Apology, I wou'd 
 be very proud to wait on you down Stairs. 
 
 Faith. By no means, Sir— I mufl not permit that. 
 
 Sir Dav. Death and the Devil, begone without it, 
 then. 
 
 Faith, That I will, Sir ; but intreat the Favour of fee- 
 ing the Lady firfl ; upon Honour I was never fo concerned 
 in my Life ; I wou'd not for five hundred Pound quit the 
 
 Houfe 
 
122 The Man's bewitch! d\ or, 
 
 Houfe, till I have convinced her of my Error, and made 
 my Acknowledgment upon my Knees. 
 
 Sir Dav. Zounds, here's the Devil to do about her — 
 Which Way fhall I get rid of him ? 
 
 Faith. Pray Miflrefs, inform the Lady of my Refolu- 
 tion. \So Lucy. 
 
 Sir Dav, Hark ye, Hufwife, flir out of this Place, and 
 ni break your Neck down Stairs. 
 
 Faith. Why then I muft be guilty of a fecond Rudenefs 
 to acquit myfelf of the firfl, I think that's the Room the 
 Lady went into, Sir. \Going towards the Door. 
 
 Sir Dav. Hold, hold, hold. Sir ; where the Devil are 
 you going Zounds, advance one Step farther, and I'll 
 indift you for a Robbery. 
 
 Faith. Well, fmce you are fo pofitive. Sir, I will be 
 gone ; but pray, Sir, is the Lady your Grand-daughter, 
 Daughter, Niece, Coufm, or, or 
 
 Sir Dav. 'Tis my Wife, my Wife, my Wife, my Wife, 
 Sir, do you hear that and tremble. 
 
 Faith. Ods my Life, Sir, I beg your Pardon with all 
 
 my Heart and Soul Your mofl Obedient, humble 
 
 Servant. [Exit, 
 
 Sir Dav. The Devil go with you. 
 
 Man. {7o Lucy) My M after has not a Soufe of Money, 
 elfe you wou'd not want your Fee. We were robb'd 
 coming dov/n. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Dav. Zounds, Sir, what do you loyter here for ? 
 Why don't you go after your Mafler ? Goe troop. 
 
 [ Turns him out. 
 
 Sir Dav. What do you fauntring here, get in to your 
 Miflrefs ! What, does your Chops water at the Sight of 
 a Man, ha ? 
 
 Lucy, I'm fure you are the word Sight I cou'd have 
 feen at prefent. {Exit. 
 
 Sir Dav. I don't underfland this Miftake tho' He is 
 
 a flrapping young Dog ; I wifh Laura had not feen him — 
 But I'll go fee if he is gone, left there fhould be more 
 Roguery at the Bottom. [Exit. 
 
 ACT 
 
The Devil to do about her. 123 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 Enter on 07ie Side Faithful and Manage ; on the other 
 Conflant and Clinch. 
 
 Con, 'pAithful^ well met, I was going in fearch of thee ; 
 
 my Affairs are ended, what Hopes of thine. 
 Did the Project turn to thy Advantage ? 
 
 Faith. It gave me Entrance to the charming Fair, who 
 receiv'd me with equal Tranfport ; but jufl as fhe con- 
 fented to come away with me, the old Fox returned — A 
 Curfe of his Diligence 
 
 Man. I came timely to my Mafler's Refcue, Sir ; and 
 when his Pockets are replenifh'd, I hope he'll own it. 
 
 Faith. That I will. Manage. 
 
 Con. 'Tis now in my Power to lend thee Twenty Pieces, 
 Friend There they are \Gives Money, 
 
 Faith. I thankfully accept them ; and next the finifhing 
 my own Wifhes, I am pleas'd thou hafi: gainM thine ; but 
 after what Method to purfue mine. Heaven knows ; I told 
 Lncy I wou'd be about the Door in an Hour, but I know 
 not if 'twili be in Laurds Power to get out, or what can 
 difguife me ; Sir David \^\W. certainly know me again, if 
 he fees me The Time is well nigh expired. 
 
 Man. I have a Thought ! Cou'd you procure my 
 
 Mafler a red, or blue Coat, in this Town, think you. Sir 
 
 Con. I have my Regimental Surtout 1 rid down in, you 
 know. 
 
 Man. Right, that will do ; I told him I ferv'd an Of- 
 ficer ; I warrant we'll pafs upon him — Come, flrip Clinch^ 
 
 flrip ; give me my Cloaths again {Strips aiid changes 
 
 with Clinch again) But 'tis neceffary, Sir, that you change 
 your Wig too. 
 
 Con. And what if you put a Patch crofs your Cheek, 
 like a Scar? 
 
 Faith. With all my Heart — I muft, and will redeem 
 her, or cut his Throat. 
 
 Con. Nay, Twenty thoufand Pound gives an Edge to 
 Invention. 
 
 Clin. So now I am in Statu quo. 
 
 Faith. Were fhe not Miflrefs of a Groat, I fhou'd prefer 
 her before the mofl celebrated Beauty in the Kingdom ; 
 
 F 2 our 
 
124 
 
 The Mans bewitclid ; or, 
 
 our Infant Years firfl fowed the Seeds of Love, which, as 
 we grew, ripen'd to a perfecfl Paffion ; her Parents dying, 
 left her to the Care of mine ; oh, in what Pleafure have 
 we pafl the Day, and quarrelFd with the Night that calVd 
 us from each other ! Whilft I made the Campaign with 
 you. Captain, my Father died ! Oh fatal Thought, her 
 Friends remov'd her to this Sir David IVaU/ium' s,\is 
 twelve Months fmce, during which Time, 'till now, I never 
 cou'd find Means to fee or hear from her. 
 
 Con. I know the Story perfe6\ly well, and wifh thou 
 may'ft fucceed with all my Soul ; but I find he is upon his 
 Guard 
 
 Faith. If he cou'd fummon Hell to guard her, I will by 
 Pelicy or Force releafe her. 
 
 Man, Why then, pray refolve upon which immediately ; 
 fhall we lay open Siege, or blockade his Citadel. The 
 
 Head muft always work before the Hand Now, tis ne- 
 
 ceffary. e'er we attempt, to know the weakefl and ftrong- 
 efl Parts ; then we open our Trenches and cannonade the 
 Place, ruin their Ramparts, make a Breach, and then give 
 the Affault, take the old Rogue by the Throat, plunder 
 his Caflle, and carry off the Booty Which is the La- 
 dy, Sir ? 
 
 Con. Ha, ha, ha, Manage talks like a Soldier. 
 
 Faith, Ah, if we cou'd do that Manage I I have good 
 
 Interefl in the Town And they have Notice of my 
 
 coming 
 
 Man. So much the better ; the more Friends we have 
 in the Garrifon, the fooner we lhall become Mailers of it 
 
 Well, as I am chief Engineer, and have the Artillery, 
 
 I mufl furvey the Ground to find the mofl convenient 
 Place to raife my Battery. But away, away. Sir, and dif- 
 guife yourfelf ; the Drum beats — leave the reft to Fortune, 
 
 (he cannot always run againft us 1 have known the Sun 
 
 rife upon a private Centinel who before his Setting was 
 
 a Captain of Foot — Nothing like Diligence and Courage 
 to nick the fickle Jade. 
 
 Con. Come, thou fhalt be drefs'd in a moment, \Ex. omn. 
 
 SCENE, The Out-fide of Sir David'j Houfe ; Sir David 
 in the Garden before his Door, 
 Sir Dav. I remember a Saying of a certain Philofo- 
 
 pher, 
 
The Devil to do about her. 125 
 
 pher, That nothing is harder to keep than a Secret : but 
 i think 'tis ten Times harder to keep a handfome Woman 
 
 1 am flrangely affedled with this lafl Accident ; and 
 
 then the t'other Rogue that was here in the Morning, that 
 
 ferves an Officer A Pox on thefe Officers for they 
 
 have more Stratagems in their Heads, than all the King- 
 dom befides. But I have order'd the Smith to barricade 
 my Windows, from the Cellar to the Garret ; he'll be here 
 
 immediately, but Laura mufl not fee him Poor Girl, 
 
 fhe's terribly frighted at my Dog of a Coachman's Mif- 
 take ; I have invited her into the Garden, here fhe and 
 her Maid comes. 
 
 Enter Laura and Lucy. 
 LaiL. What favourable Devil, Lticy^ has procur'd us this 
 Liberty ? It happens as I wou'd have it, if Faithfulh^hnt 
 here now. 
 
 Lucy. I'm amaz'd — For 'tis the firfl frefh open Air you 
 have breath'd thefe twelve Months, Madam. But fuppofe 
 Mrs. Faithful fhou'd be here ! Vender's the old Ai^gus^ he 
 refolves to watch you, I fee. 
 
 Lau, Nay then ! 
 
 Sir Dav, Well, Madam, how do you after your Fright? 
 
 I fent for you into the Garden, to take the Air The 
 
 Air is good after a Fright 
 
 Latt. Ay, if one cou'd change the Place too, Sir Da- 
 vid ; but the Air of my Chamber and this is much the 
 fame — But let me be where I will, if you are there, I find 
 no Difference in the Air — I know not what ails me, but 
 when I fee you, I figh as often as I draw Breath. 
 
 Sir Dav, Ha ! fhe loves me . Oh happy David 
 
 Indeed, Madam ! And are thofe Sighs pleafant or pain- 
 ful, pray ? 
 
 Lau. Oh, very painful, Sir 
 
 Sir Dav Then you mufl have a Huf band to cure thofe 
 Sighs, Child. 
 
 Faithful and Manage appear between the Scenes. 
 Faith. She's here ? Oh the charming Maid — but that 
 old Monfler is with her. 
 
 Sir Dav. What think you of a married Life, Laura ? 
 Lau. Of nothing better — I might diffemble like many 
 of my Sex ; exclaim againft Marriage and Mankind ; 
 
 F 3 profefs 
 
126 
 
 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 profefs to die in a Cloyfler, or a Maid at large — Malk my 
 real Inclinations, feign Indifference to Love, and place all 
 
 my Happinefs in my own Sex but I have a Heart too 
 
 fmcere ; and therefore frankly own, that the utmofl of 
 my Ambition is to be a Wife. 
 
 Faith. To me, fhe means Oh, how fhall I deliver 
 
 her! 
 
 Lucy, Well faid. Madam ; why fhou^d a Lady lofe the 
 Prime of her Youth, when fhe may do fo much in her 
 Generation ? I refolve to follow your Example to a Hair. 
 
 Sir Dav. Good Wits jump 1 refolve to marry too ; 
 
 I have every Day frefh Offers, very advantageous Offers, 
 but my Heart is prepoffefsM, dear Laura^ for I will own 
 it now, I love you exceedingly. 
 
 Lucy. vSo, now 'tis out. 
 
 Sir Dav. More, if poffible, than you love me. 
 Lau. That's very poffible, truly. 
 
 Faitth. Love her ! Oh the rank old Goat ; Death ! that 
 Confeffion has made me lofe all Patience. 
 
 Man. Hold, hold, Sir, pray be content a little. 
 
 Sir Dav. Come, don't blufh Laura, thy Sighs betray'd 
 thy Love, but Fm difcreet. 
 
 Faith. Now do I long to tell him he lyes in his Throat. 
 
 Ma7t. 'Egad, Sir, you had better lofe your Longings at 
 this Time. 
 
 Lau. What do you fay, Sir that I love you ! your 
 
 Opinion is fmall Proof of your Difcretion. 
 Sir David. Why fo. Child 1 
 
 Lati. Becaufe you never was more miflakeninyour Life ; 
 for inflead of loving you I hate you mortally. 
 
 Faith. Oh, bleffed Sound ! 
 
 Sir Dav. Really ! but why fo, prithee 
 
 Lau. Nay, you love without Reafon ; and perhaps I 
 hate by the fame Rule. 
 
 Lucy. Well, Sir, if her Declaration be not fo kind as 
 you wou'd have it, it is not the lefs fmcere. 
 
 Sir Dav. Is it not, Gilliirt, after what I have done for 
 her? 
 
 Lau. Yes, you have done for me, I thank you, Sir. 
 Lucy. Nay, pray be not angry, but flate the Cafe right, 
 Lau. If Love has rendered me charming in your Eyes, 
 confider how he has drawn you in mine. 
 
 Lucy. 
 
The Devil to do about her. 127 
 
 Lucy. She's amiable^ you ugly — She's gay, you morofe 
 She's generous, you a Mifer — She's fixteen, you fixty — 
 She has the finerf Teeth in the World, you but one in 
 your Head, and that fhakes ; and the firfl fit of Cough- 
 ing, good-by to it. 
 Man. A Devilifh Wench. She Has drawn him to a Hair, 
 Laic. Mark Lucy's Defcription, and then tell me if 
 thefe be not irrefiftible Charms, for one of my Age and 
 Conflitution. 
 
 Lucy. What Woman do you think, Sir, on this fide 
 fourscore, would have fuch a Bedfellow ? 
 
 Sir Dav. She fhall, Miflrefs, or fhe fhall have nobody, 
 mark that ; and your Witticifms, Mrs. Frippery^ fhall get 
 
 you nothing How now ! who do you want 1 
 
 [Faithful a7id Manage come forward. 
 
 Lau. My dear Faithful ! I know him in all difguifes ; 
 how fhall I forbear running into his Arms 
 
 Lucy. Have a care, Madam, if you difcover you know 
 him, you'll never fee him more ; Manage has fome Plot 
 in his Head, by his winking. 
 
 Dav. What is it you look at, Sir ! why don't you 
 
 fpeak 
 
 Man. Be calm. Sir, and take no notice of the Lady. 
 
 Faith. I was fo charm'd with the Finenefs of the Prof- 
 pe6l in that Moment you fpoke. Sir, I was not Mafler of 
 my Tongue. 
 
 Sir Dav. And now you are Mafler of it. Sir, what have 
 you to lay ? 
 
 Foith. Nothing, Sir ; only having the Misfortune to 
 break my Chariot — I took a Walk this Way, till it is 
 put in order again ; and coming by this Houfe, my Man 
 told me that you entertain'd fome hard Thoughts of him, 
 from fome Difcourfe that pafs'd between you to-day — So 
 I prefum'd to call, to clear his Reputation. 
 
 Sir Dav. This is the Officer ! A Rogue in red now ; 
 
 and the Simple-hunter with him — I don't like 'em As 
 
 for that, Sir, you need not give yourfelf farther Trouble, 
 for I have nothing to do with his Reputation, nor yours 
 neither. 
 
 Faith. I hope 'tis no Offence to look about me a little ; 
 
 this Houfe is finely fituated 'Tis the befl Air I have 
 
 breath'd this Twelve-month. 
 
 F 4 Sir 
 
128 
 
 The Mans bewitcftd ; or^ 
 
 Sir Dav. Pox o' your Compliment — That's your Mif- 
 
 take, Sir ; 'tis the worfl Air in the Univerfe Let me 
 
 advife you to get out of it as fail as you can. 
 
 Lau. He tells you Truth, Sir ; for ever fmce I breathed 
 this Air, I have neither eat, drank, or flept with Eafe. 
 
 Faith. I am forry for that. Madam ; but I find a quite 
 contrary Efl[e6l ; methinks I feel new Life, and I have a 
 flrong Hope to carry off the Health I wifh. 
 
 Sir Dav, I wifh, Sir, your Legs would be pleas'd to 
 carry off your Body. 
 
 Faith. Sir, I will not be troublefome but I defire 
 
 you wou'd give me leave to take a view of your Gardens ; 
 I have bought me a fmall Seat in a Country Village, and 
 I defign to have a pretty Garden made. 
 
 Sir Dav. Ah ! wou'd you were buried in the Garden — 
 go, get in, Gentlewoman, go — he has no Bufmefs with 
 you, you don't belong to the Garden. 
 
 Ma7t. {To Lucy.) Find fome Way to bring your Lady 
 
 down again ; do you hear ? let her pretend 
 
 \lVhifpers to Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. Yes, yes, I hear ; but how to put it in Pradlice, 
 I know not. 
 
 Lau. I am diflradled ! Oh Invention ! where art thou ? 
 Help me Brains, or ceafe to think. 
 
 Sir Dav. What do you loiter for, ha 1 get in 
 
 Lucy. Sir David, you ufe us like Slaves ; fend us in 
 
 and out at pleafure Is my Lady a Perfon to be treated 
 
 fo by her Guardian? Thefe twelve Months we have not 
 feen the Shadow of any Hat but yours — I'm fure nothing 
 that's Male has reach'd our Eyes. 
 
 '^'vc Dav. Why, how now, Mrs. Prate-a-pace ? if you 
 don't like your living, troop off. Go — There are more 
 Servants to be had. 
 
 Faith. I fhall certainly difcover myfelf, if he goes on 
 at this Rate Sir, I had rather quit this Place immedi- 
 ately, than you fhould incommode the Ladies. 
 
 Lau. Pray, Sir David^ mind your own Servants, you 
 fhall never have any Power over mine. Let me advife 
 you to tarry till to-morrow ; 'tis dangerous travelling too 
 late ; let me intreat you to flay in this Town till to-mor- 
 row. What faid Manage to you, Lucy ? 
 
 Lucy, 
 
The Devil to do about her, 129 
 
 Lucy. Ay, pray take my Lady's Advice, Sir. You fhall 
 know within ; take Courage, Madam. 
 
 Sir Dav, Zounds, get in, I believe you want to lie with 
 him all night, you are fo concerned for his Stay. 
 
 Lucy, I hope fome brave Man will attempt the Refcue 
 of my Miftrefs. [He pujhes^em in. 
 
 Faith, My Heartfwells at thefe Indignities, and I cou'd 
 (hake his detefled rotten Soul out of his withered faplefs 
 Carcafe. 
 
 Man, Be eafy. Sir, Paffion will do us no good — I have 
 something in my Head may hit, perhaps. 
 
 Faith, I am forry. Sir, I fhou'd be the Caufe of your 
 being angry with your Daughter. 
 
 Sir Dav, My Daughter ? 
 
 Faith. I afk your Pardon, Sir, may be 'tis your Wife. 
 
 Sir Dav. She fhall be e'er long, Sir. 
 
 Faith. You Ihall be Worm's Meat firft. {Afcde, 
 I had better knock him down, and fetch her out this Mo- 
 ment. 
 
 Man, And the next Moment fetch you to Goal. In- 
 deed, Sir, you had better keep your Temper — You have 
 made a very excellent Choice, Sir ; wou'd all Hufbands 
 manage their Wives fo, we fhould not have fo many Co- 
 quets abroad. 
 
 Sir Dav. I don't defign my Wife fhall follow the Way 
 of the World. 
 
 Man, Second him, Sir ; keep him in Talk a little 
 
 Faith. You do well, Sir, 'tis below a man to let his 
 Wife rule, and rattle where fhe pleafes ; to vifit, and be 
 vifited by half the Fops of the Nation ; for my Part, had 
 I a Wife, I fhou'd follow your Method. 
 
 Sir Dav. Egad, I believe I was miflaken in this Gen- 
 tleman. I wifh. Sir, I had this Le6lure read to fome that 
 blame me for my Condu6l. 
 
 Man, If you pleafe, Sir, I'll go into your Houfe, and 
 write it down this Moment ! it fhan't cofl you a Far- 
 thing, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav, I'll not give you the trouble, Sir, I fhall re- 
 member it. 
 
 Enter Lucy hajiily. 
 Lucy. Oh ! undone, undone ; help, help ; oh Sir Da- 
 vid I what have you brought upon us ? 
 9 VOL. III. F 5 Sir 
 
130 The Maris bewitcJid; or. 
 
 Sir Dav. What the Devil do you bawl fo for ? 
 
 Lucy, Oh ! the faddefl Accident has befallen my poor 
 
 Lady ! 
 
 Faith. Ha ! her Lady, faid fhe ? 
 
 Man, Peace, Sir, and mind the Plot 
 
 lA/cde to Faithful. 
 
 Sir Dav, What accident, ha ? You roar as if fhe had 
 broke a Leg, or an Arm. 
 
 Lucy. Worfe, Sir, worfe, much worfe ; fhe's mad, 
 Sir 
 
 Sir Dav. Mad! 
 
 Lucy, Ay, diftra6led, Sir When you thruft us in, 
 
 fhe found the Smith barricading her Windows ; as foon as 
 ever fhe laid her Eyes upon the Iron Bars, her Looks 
 grew wild ; her fudden Starts and broken Speeches con- 
 vince me of her Brain being turned When, before I 
 
 was aware fhe catch'd up an Iron Bar, and broke the 
 
 Blackfmith's Pate; file beat her Head againft the Wall — 
 runs, fkips, fmgs, dances, flamps, raves, and throws all 
 
 the Things about the Room wou'd have fhut her in, 
 
 but fhe fet up fuch a Roar, that I left the Door open, and 
 fled for my life Make the befl of your Plot, Ma- 
 nage \_Afcde, 
 
 Man, Ay, ay, let me alone. 
 
 Sir Dav. Mercy on us ; what fhall I do ? 
 
 Lucy. Here fhe comes, oh my poor Lady !— with your 
 great Bafe Viol in her hand ; oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Sir Dav, Oh the Devil ! if fhe breaks my Bafe, I had 
 rather lofe five Pounds : Oh, oh, oh. 
 
 Man. Have Patience, Sir, I may be ferviceable to you 
 in this Affair, as little Opinion as you had of my Skill 
 to-day. 
 
 Enter Laura, with a Bafe and Papers \ her Clothes auk- 
 wardly hanging, 
 
 Lau, Give me Liberty and Love, 
 Give me Love and Liberty, 
 Fro7n an Lron Grate, 
 And the Man I hate, 
 Dear Fortune fet me free. 
 
 Faith. What Defign you by this, Manage f 
 
 Man, 
 
The Devil to do about her. 131 
 
 Man. To put you in Poffeffion of your Miflrefs, before 
 I have done, Sir, if you'll be quiet. 
 
 Lau. What, are you a Blackfmith ? \To Sir David. 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh, pox o' the Blackfmith, how fhe harps 
 upon him ! 
 
 Lau, Ho ! now 1 know you, your are a Singing- 
 mafler. 
 
 Sir Dav, A Singing mafler ! good lack, good lack — 
 
 Lau. Here is a Piece of Mufick, which I have jufl now 
 received from London : 'tis Part of the laft new Opera — 
 there, there, there's a Part for you. {Gives Sir David a 
 Paper ^ Ha ! are not you the new Eunuch ? Ay, 'tis he ! 
 here, here, here's your Part. {Gives Faithful a Letter. 
 
 Faith. A Letter, Oh ! for an Opportunity to read it. 
 
 {Draws off by degrees. 
 
 Lau. Give 7ne Liberty and Love, 
 
 Give me Love and Liberty Come, why 
 
 don't you fmg. {To Sir David.) {She beats Time all this 
 while, with her Hand upon his Head, and with her Foot 
 upon his Toes. 
 
 Sir Dav. Poor Laura, I can't fmg. Child Zounds, 
 
 Death and the Devil, flie has kilFd my Toe. 
 
 Lau. What, won't you fmg, I'll break the Fiddle then. 
 
 Lucy. Pray, Sir David, humour her. 
 
 Man. Let me advife you to comply with her. Sir ; (he's 
 poffefs'd, and with a very mifchievous Dsemon. 
 
 Lau. Come, begin. Give me Liberty and Love. 
 
 Sir Dav. \ 
 
 Lucy. ■ Give me Liberty and Love. {They all fing 
 
 Man. ) whiljl Faithful reads. 
 
 Faith. (Reads.) Dear ¥2X\Mv\^ find fome Way to deliver 
 me, or what I now a6l in jeft, will follow in earnefl ; / 
 have all my Jewels and Writings about me ; for L have 
 broke the old Man^s Clofet for them, and Pll find a Way 
 to get Money prefently. Yours entirely, Laura. 
 Yes, I will deliver thee, or die for it. Manage, read that. 
 
 {Gives him the letter. 
 
 Man. Recommend me for a white Witch to Sir David ; 
 let me alone for the reft. 
 
 Faith. Poor Lady ! I am extremely concern'd for her, 
 Sir ; pray confult my Servant about her Diftemper ; in 
 my Opinion fhe's bewitch'd. 
 
 F 6 Sir 
 
132 The Mans bewitch! d; or, 
 
 Sir Dav, I doubt fo too. Sir ; has he really Skill in 
 thefe Matters ? 
 
 Faith. No Man in the Kingdom more, I affure you ; 
 he has cur'd feveral, to my Knowledge, both in Spain 
 and Flanders, 
 
 Lau. Why do you look at me f o ? Did you never fee 
 an old Woman before ? Fd have you to know, Miflrefs, I 
 
 have been as handfome as you but age alters every 
 
 body 1 have been the Mother of fixteen Children 
 
 all Boys Hark ye, let me counfel you — don't marry 
 
 an old Fellow. 
 
 Lucy. No, why fo, pray ? 
 
 Lau. Becaufe your Youth will renew his Age and 
 
 you'll be plagu'd with him to Eternity — I married an old 
 fufly Guardian, becaufe 1 could not get out of his Hands ; 
 which is the Reafon why you fee fo many Wrinkles in my 
 Face, ha, ha, ha. In my Confcience there he flands — 
 What, can I go no where, but you mufl follow me — you 
 old crippling Cuckold you — Look ye how angry he is now 
 
 at being calFd Cuckold Yet he wou'd marry a young 
 
 Wife ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Sir Dav. Mercy upon us ! how do fuch Things come 
 in her Head ? 
 
 Faith. The Wildnefs of her Fancy. 
 
 Enter Manage. 
 Man. FU do your Bufmefs for you, Sir ; I have con- 
 fulted the Stars, and find fhe is bewitched by an old Wo- 
 man. 
 
 Sir Dav. By an old Woman ! Ay, indeed, fhe talks of 
 an old W oman. 
 
 Man. It is a very troublefome Spirit that is in her, and 
 mufl be charm'd out into another, or fhe can't be cur'd, 
 
 Tell me, Sir, can you procure any body for that 
 
 Purpofe ? 
 
 Sir Dav, Here's her Maid, won't fhe do 1 
 Lucy. What ! Do you think Fd have the Devil put in- 
 to me, Sir, I afk you Pardon for that. 
 
 Lau, Hark ! there's my Drum beating up for Volun- 
 teers What fay you, my Lads, are you for the Wars 1 
 
 Her Majefly has honour'd me with a Colonel's Commif- 
 
 fion ; I'm jufl now raifing my Regiment you fhall all 
 
 ferve 
 
The Devil to do adotU her. 133 
 
 ferve under me, Come ^hold, now I think on^t , I 
 
 want a hundred Guineas to raife Men with Hark ye, 
 
 won't you lend me a hundred Guineas ? [7> Sir David. 
 
 Sir Dav. Lack-a-day, it makes me weep, to fee how 
 many forts of Madneffes poffefs her. 
 
 Man, A good Thought for fome Money Humour 
 
 her, Sir, whatever fhe afks for, let her have. 
 
 Lau. Lend me a hundred Guineas, I fay, or my Sol- 
 diers fhall batter your Houfe about your Ears. 
 
 Lucy, For Heaven's fake, Sir, give 'em her, you'll have 
 them again fafe. 
 
 Faith, 1 wou'd advife you to let her have 'em, Sir. 
 
 Sir Dav. Well, be fure you take care of them ; there, 
 there is threefcore in that Purfe, you may tell her there 
 is a hundred ; but take care I have them again. \ To Lucy. 
 
 Man, Ay, when we have nothing elfe to do with 'em. 
 
 Lau. Give it me — fo, now my Boys will you ferve the 
 Queen. 
 
 Man. Ay, with all my Heart, under you, Sir. 
 
 Lau. There then, there's Gold for you. Sirrah ; {Gives 
 hi?n a Guinea.) and what fay you, you are a handfome 
 
 proper Fellow, fix Foot high I'll make you Serjeant 
 
 of the Grenadiers What fay you, will you ferve under 
 
 me ? 
 
 Man. Humph ! He wou'd rather ferve her another 
 Way, I dare fwear. \^A/cde. 
 
 Faith. And know no Joy beyond it ; ferve ye ! by 
 
 Heaven, that 1 will, with my Life ; command me, Colo- 
 nel, I'll follow you through all Difficulties and Danger ; 
 and die by your Side, or bring you off fafe. 
 
 Lau. Then there's Money, my Hero, to forward our 
 Defigns. \^Gives him the Pu7'fe. 
 
 Sir Dav. Hold, hold, Laura^ you mufl not give away 
 your Money 1 Lucy take careon't. I hope. Sir, you'll 
 return the Money. 
 
 Faith. Certainly, Sir. 
 
 Lucy. I'll fee to that, Sir. 
 
 Lau. Return the Money, to whom ? They are my Sol- 
 diers, and the Money mine 1 borrow'd it of the moil 
 
 confounded old Rogue in Peterborough ; tell him I fay fo 
 
 —but 
 
134 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 — but you look like an honefl Man, Pllmake you a Cor- 
 poral Come, let me fee you exercife, Serjeant. 
 
 Sir Dav, Oh Lord, oh Lord ! 
 
 Lau, Serjeant take heed ; to the right and left by half 
 
 Flanks form Files upon the Flanks of the Battalion — 
 
 March ha, ha, you are curfed dull, Serjeant 
 
 Faith, I am a little aukward at firft, Colonel, but I 
 fhall learn. [Stamps, 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh, Oh, Oh ! 
 
 Lau, Well, well, I'll teach you then Silence, Join 
 
 your right Hand to your Firelock Cock your Firelock 
 
 Prefent ; Fire Excellent. 
 
 Give me Liberty and Love, 
 
 Give me Love and Liberty, [Sings, 
 
 Sir Dav, Oh fad, oh fad ! what fhall I do } Pray Sir 
 defireyour Man to try his fkill. 
 
 Faith, Manage, the Gentleman implores your Aid. 
 
 Man, I am ready, if he can find any body to make the 
 
 Experiment ; it mufl be a Man, Sir will you endure it 
 
 yourfelf. 
 
 Sir Dav, No, faith and troth not I ! 
 
 Faith, Well, vSir, to do you and the Lady fervice, Pll 
 
 venture but take care, Manage, that you bring the 
 
 Devil out of me again 
 
 Man. Yes, Sir, that I can eafily ; for he is not half fo 
 hard to get out of a Man, as he is out of a Woman. 
 
 Sir Dav, Good lack ! what fhou'd the Reafon of that 
 
 be, I wonder ! {A/ide,) Sir, I thank you heartily 
 
 a very worthy Gentleman this Well, what mufl I 
 
 do. Sir? 
 
 Man, Stand flill, I charge you And do you fetch us 
 
 an eafy Chair, Miftrefs. [To Lucy. 
 
 Lucy, Yes, Sir. [Exit, 
 
 Man. Stay, I mufl limit your Bounds ; there Sir, you 
 mufl not for your Life crofs this Circle. 
 
 Sir Dav, Well, Sir, I fhall obferve you. 
 
 Enter Lucy with a Chair, 
 Lucy, Here, Sir. 
 
 Man, Very well ; pray. Madam, be pleas'd to fit down. 
 
 Lau. Sit down ! why, is Dinner coming? Ho, cry 
 
 a Mer 
 
The Devil to do about her. 
 
 135 
 
 a Mercy ! you are a Barber ; hold, hold, you fhall fhave 
 my Corporal firfl, to try your Razor. 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh Lord, oh Lord ! what fhall I fay to her ? 
 
 Man, Keep your Place, Sir No, no, Sir, I am a 
 
 Shoe-maker, and if I fit your Foot, and pleafe you, I de- 
 fire your Honour wou'd let me have the Bufmefs of your 
 Regiment. 
 
 Lau, With all my Heart. 
 
 Man. Then pray fit down. Sir, that I may take Mea- 
 fure. {She /its down.) Now for you, Sir, you mufl kneel 
 
 right before her — clofer clofer yet ; there, look full in 
 
 her Eyes Clafp both her Hands in yours. {Manage 
 
 pulls a Book out of his Pockety and looks on't, 
 
 Lau. Give me Liberty and Love^ 
 
 Give 7ne Love and Liberty. {Sings. 
 
 Faith. My charming Angel ! Oh, let me kneel here for 
 ever, for ever gaze on thofe dear Eyes ; how I have lan- 
 guifh'd for thee. Heaven only knows. 
 
 Lau. And what I have born for thee, Hell cannot 
 match ! Oh, if Manage fail in his Plot, Vm undone for 
 ever. 
 
 Faith. Fear not, my Love, he is lucky at Contrivance. 
 Sir Dav. What are they doing ? 
 Man. Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta. 
 Sir Dav. Blefs me, what are thofe the Names of the 
 Spirits } 
 
 Man. Philo fe en pafias, gloffais, kai en to panti poto, 
 kai en to panti topo — Now do you be well, Madam ; and 
 do you feem to be mad. Sir, quick, quick 
 
 '^vc Dav. Why, what a many Devils there are! cer- 
 tainly fhe has a Legion in her. 
 
 Lau. Where am I, Lucy ? Methinks I wake from fome 
 untoward Dream. 
 
 Liccy. She recovers, Sir. How do you. Madam 1 
 
 Sir Dav. Pm glad on't. How doft thou do, Laura ? 
 
 Lau. Pretty well. 
 
 Ma7i. Death, Sir, keep your Place, or you'll fpoil all. 
 
 Faith. Ha ! my Brain-pan fplits Fm ail a-fiame, 
 
 my Blood boils o'er, give me Room, Fll fcale the Re- 
 gion of the Air, and pull the Winds down head-long on 
 us all. 
 
 Sir 
 
136 The Mans bewitch! d ; or. 
 
 Sir Dav, Oh, oh, oh, he's flark mad ! What fhall we 
 do with him now ? 
 
 Man, We fhall do well enough with him ; but keep 
 your Place, for he's very defperate. 
 
 Lau, Defend me Heaven, what ails the Gentleman ? 
 
 Lucy. He'll kill us ; the Man's bewitch'd. 
 
 Man. Here, here, Ladies, ftand in this Circle, and 
 don't crofs it for your Lives. \Sets ^ern in a Circle. 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh, pray Sir, read again 
 
 Faith. What's here, old Belzebub / No, 'tis his Squib 
 
 and Cracker ; I'll fet fire to it and blow it up Ho, lo, 
 
 where are you Scoundrels, Dogs, Rogues, Cooks, the 
 Devil wants his Dinner, and you mufl fpit this Swine, 
 Hell dines on Hog's Flefh to-day. [Draws his Sword. 
 
 Man. Undone, undone ; the Spirit grows too flrong for 
 my Art ! Fly, riy, Sir, for Life 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh, oh, oh, fave me, fave me. [Runs in 
 
 and Jlaps the Door. 
 
 Man. Now, now, make your Efcape ; he has llap'd the 
 Door after him Quick, quick 
 
 Faith. My Life, my Soul ! 
 
 Late. My Angel, my All. [Embraces. 
 
 Man. Oh, the Devil ! Don't fland Lifeing and Dear- 
 ing now, but make Hafle to Mr. Trujiys, I'll bring the 
 Parfon after you. 
 
 Lucy. Ay, good Madam, be quick. 
 
 Lau. Any where, good Manage. 
 
 Faith. Fly Manage, and bring Lovely with thee too, to 
 be Witnefs of my good Fortune, this Hour makes thee 
 mine for ever : 
 
 Now in thy Arms immortal yoys Pll tajie, 
 And quite forget our anxious Sorrows paji, 
 
 Lucy. Now Heai/n be prais'd, we've Liberty at laji. 
 
 Exeunt, 
 
 Sir David above. 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh, I'm robb'd, ravifh'd, dead and buried — 
 My Clofet is broke open, and all my Writings gone ; 
 Mr. Conjurer, Mr. Conjurer, can you help me to the 
 
 Thief? Ha ! no body to be feen ! Blefs me Lucy 
 
 Laura, why Laura ? Ah ! Murder, Murder, Thieves, 
 Thieves. [Cries out till he comes down. 
 
 Enter 
 
The Devil to do abotU her. 
 
 137 
 
 Enter Sir David. 
 
 Here, where are all my Servants ? {Enter Servants^ 
 Run fome one Way, fome another ; make Enquiry thro' 
 the whole Town for Mrs. Laura^ fhe is carryM away by 
 two Rogues or Devils, I know not which, run run 
 
 Serv. Why, if the devil has carry'd her away, Sir, 
 where can we run? 
 
 Sir Dav. To Hell, ye Dog, do you fland to prate ? — 
 
 [Beats him, 
 
 Serv. Marry, look her there yourfelf an you will 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Sir Dav. Oh, that I fhou'd believe thefe Conjuring, 
 foldierng Rafcals ; but Til find 'em, if they are above 
 Ground ; and if they are mortal, Fll hang 'em, that's my 
 Comfort. [Exit. 
 
 ACT V . 
 
 SCENE, The Street before Mr. Trufly'i- Door ; Roger 
 comes out of the Houfe with a Pitchfork on his Shoul- 
 der^ and a Lan thorn in his Hand. 
 
 Rog. T T will be very dark e'er I get home Od, I'm 
 
 JL main merry. M after Trufiy^ keeps rare nappy 
 Ale, and Dick the Butler is an honeft Fellow ; Lord, Sirs, 
 
 how bravely thefe Gentlefolk live Methinks I like it 
 
 hugely ; and I'm perfuaded, I was defign'd for a Gentle- 
 man, but was fpoil'd in the making ; nay, nay, I was 
 made well enough too, that's the Truth on't ; but 'tis that 
 damn'd Jade Fortune that has fpoil'd me ; for an I had an 
 
 Eftate now, I know how to live like a Gentleman 1 
 
 cou'd fcorn the Poor, and fcrew up my Tenants, and 
 wou'd fooner give Ten Pound to a Wench, than Two- 
 pence for Charity ; I cou'd quickly turn my Cart into a 
 
 Coach, and my Man Plod into a Coachman 1 cou'd 
 
 hurry into the Tradefmen's Books Wear fine Clothes, 
 
 and never pay for them — Lie with their Wives, and make 
 my Footmen beat their Huf bands, when they come to afk 
 me for Money. Get drunk with Lords, and break the 
 
 Watch- 
 
138 The Mans bewitcfid ; or, 
 
 Watchmen's Heads Scour the Streets, and fleep in a 
 
 Bawdy-houfe Sell my Lands, and pay no Debts 
 
 Get a Charge of Baflards for the Parifh to maintain 
 
 Then, by the help of Commiffion, tranfport myfelf out 
 of their Reach. 
 
 Enter Sir Jeffrey Conftant, in a riding Habit, 
 Sir Jeff. Do you hear, Friend ? 
 
 Rog, Mayhap I do And mayhap I do not ; What 
 
 then, Sir? 
 
 Sir Jeff, Nay, the Matter's not great Do you live 
 
 at that Houfe? 
 
 Rog, I did a little while ago When I was in the 
 
 Cellar. 
 
 Sir Jeff, A comical Fellow. Then you don't ferve Mr. 
 Trufty? 
 
 Rog, No, Sir, I ferve his Mafter, tho' as moft Farmers 
 do their Landlords. 
 
 Sir Jeff, I underfland you : You rent one of the Knight's 
 Farms ? 
 
 Rog, Ay, and a plaguy dear one too 
 
 Sir Jeff Say you fo ! That's a Pity ; FU fpeak a good 
 Word for thee — Is Mr. Tru/iy at home? 
 
 Rog, I thank you heartily. Yes, Sir, he's at home. 
 {Runs to the Door and knocks, Trufly opens the Door and 
 Jhrieks ottt and throws it to again?) Wookers, what's the 
 Matter now ? 
 
 Sir Jeff, Was not that Mr. Trufty? 
 
 Rog, Yes, Sir, I think fo. 
 
 Cli7i. {Within) Oh undone, undone ; (Clinch ^^^/j 
 as affrighted.) here's my old Mafler. 
 Sir Jeff, What's that ? 
 
 Rog, Nay, I heard a Noife, but can't tell what they faid 
 
 But an you pleafe to come wo'me, Sir, Fll carry you 
 
 in the Back-way. 
 
 Sir Jeff, The Back-way What can be the Meaning 
 
 of this ? Why fhou'd he (lart at fight of me ? There muft 
 be fomething more in it than I can fathom ; and yet I 
 think he's an honefl Man. I never found any Thing to 
 the contrary. Prithee, Friend, knock again. 
 
 [Roger knocks^ then liftens, 
 Rog 
 
The Devil to do about her, 139 
 
 Rog, They are all afleep, Sir For I cannot fo much 
 
 as hear a Moufe flir 
 
 Sir Jeff, Afleep ! That's impoffible — But come, Friend, 
 fhew me the Back-door you fpoke of 
 
 Rog, Ay, Sir : But upon fecond Thoughts — I mufl be 
 a little wary too. Are not you fome Rogue, that comes 
 to rob the Houfe with half a dozen Piflols about you ? For 
 look ye, Fm an honefl Man, and won't be drawn in for 
 a Halter. 
 
 Sir Jeff, You Rafcal, do I look like a Thief t 
 
 Rog, Nay, nay, as for Looks That's no Matter, 
 
 do ye fee — I have known many a Rogue with as good a 
 Countenance — —No Difparagement in your's, I promife 
 you. So that I fhall not flir one Step without you'll fland 
 fearch 
 
 Sir Jeff, I fhall break your Head. Sirrah, if you pro- 
 voke me, I tell you but that. 
 
 Rog, And what mufl I be doing in the mean Time — 
 
 Ha ! old Gentleman 1 Break my Head, quotha ! You 
 
 are miflaken — We don't ufe to take broken Heads in our 
 Country, mun Ha, ha, I won't fhew you the Back- 
 door now, and how will you help youfelf ? 
 
 Sir Jeff, I know all the Doors of this Houfe as well as 
 you — And can fhew myfelf in {Going, 
 
 Rog, Can you fo — but I'll watch you — I wonder who 
 this old Fellow is. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Sure fome Madnefs has feiz'd the Family ; for 
 certainly 'Fm not chang'd — Without Difpute, Trtcffy 
 knows me ; but I'll find the Caufe prefently. [Exit. 
 
 Rog^ And fo will I. [Exit, 
 
 Enter out of the Houfe, Captain Conflant, Lovely and 
 Clinch. 
 
 Clin, So, Sir, here's Mufick to your Wedding, with a 
 
 Witnefs. What do you intend to do now ? Do you 
 
 think it poffible to perfuade your Father too, that he died 
 of an Apoplexy. 
 
 Lov. i fear. Clinch, that's beyond the Art of thy Im- 
 pudence to do 
 
 Clin. Nay, this Plot was none of my Impudence's con- 
 triving, that's my Comfort — I'm but a Servant ; my M af- 
 ter told me, he was in Mourning for his Father And, 
 
 Faith 
 
140 The Mans bewitcfid ; or, 
 
 Faith, I refolve not to believe the Father to the contrary : 
 Such an entire Deference have I for all your Commands, 
 Sir. 
 
 Conji. Why thou can'fl not fure have the Confidence to 
 ftand it out to his Face. 
 
 Clin. Never fear me, Sir — You don^t know what I can 
 do — What fay you, Sir ? Shall we perfuade the old Gen- 
 tleman into a Ghofl ; or will you own your Fault, and re- 
 fund the Money 
 
 Conjt. Neither, Clinch — I have more Duty, than to at- 
 tempt the one ; and more Neceffity, than tofubmit to the 
 other. 
 
 Clifi, Nay, if you be fo divided — What do you pro- 
 pofe 
 
 ConJl, I know not what to do — I'm glad the Ceremony 
 was over, before he came. 
 
 Lov, And the Money fent away — What think you of 
 my Houfe, till the Heat of the Difcovery be over? 'Tis 
 my Opinion your Prefence won't be proper — I warrant 
 Sir David will be in Purfuit of Mrs. Laura prefently too 
 — But we have feen her fairly married ; fo that Faithful 
 is out of Danger ; we'll leave him here. 
 
 ConJi. Shall I not take Belinda with us ? I fear as much 
 for her, as for myfelf 
 
 Clin. So there's no-body fears for me, I find — {A/cde.) 
 I am like to have my Part, truly. 
 
 Lov. No, trufl to her Management She turn'd the 
 
 A61 upon her Father, you know, and made him impofe 
 her own Choice upon her. Let Clinch flay and ufe his 
 own Difcretion — If he can banter Sir Jeffrey., and fave 
 his Bones, let him : But be fure to give us Notice of all 
 that paffes. 
 
 Clin, What if my Bones are broke 1 thank 
 
 you heartily for your Love, Sir. 
 
 ConJl. No, no, Clinch ; take Heed you keep out of the 
 Reach of his Cane. 
 
 Clin, Or he'll make me feel he's Flelh and Blood. — 
 
 Hark, I hear him coming, Good-bye to you. Sir 
 
 {Runs in. 
 
 Lov, 'Tis Time for us to fly [Exeunt, 
 
 Enter Dolly. 
 
 Dolly, Well, I'm glad my Lady's marry'd ; for if this 
 
 old 
 
The Devil to do about her. 141 
 
 old Spark had come three Hours fooner, I wou'd not have 
 ventured Two to Ten of the Match — I can't imagine where 
 the Bridegroom's gone— Nor what he will do, when my 
 Mafler comes to have a right Underflanding ; but I re- 
 folve to keep him ignorant as long as I can. Ho, here 
 he comes. 
 
 Enter Trufly. 
 
 Oh, Sir, I am frighted out of my Wits ; I went to 
 ferve my Lady's Italian Greyhound, and I found a great 
 fwinging Dog, as large as an Ox^ with two great Eyes, 
 as big as Bufhels ; and before I could call out — Whip it 
 was vanifh'd 
 
 Truji, Mercy upon us — 'Twas certainly Sir Jeffrey 
 
 Clinch, [Enter Clinch. 
 
 Clin. Sir, did you call 
 
 Trujl. Did not you fay your old Mafler appeared in the 
 Shape of a Dog ? 
 
 Clin. Ay, Sir, feveral Times. 
 
 Dolly, In a huge great Dog ? 
 
 Trzc/i. As big as an Ox, 
 
 Clin. Ay, Sir, as big as an Elephant. 
 
 Dolly. Ah ! then it was certainly him I faw. Oh dear, 
 oh dear, if the Houfe be haunted, I mufl leave it. I can- 
 not live in't, if I might have a thoufand Pounds ; and 
 
 may be, he'll appear to no body but me 1 am fure I 
 
 never did him any Harm ; 'tis true, I did not love him, 
 
 becaufe he was fomething flingey He never gave me 
 
 a Farthing in his Life 
 
 TruJl. Nay, for that Matter, I have got many a fair 
 Pound by him, and yet he appeared to me to-day 
 
 Clin. Indeed, Sir ! In what Shape, pray? 
 
 Dolly. Like an Ox, or an Elephant. 
 
 TruJl, No, in his own Shape ; but I wifh I may never 
 fee him more, for I was horribly fcar'd. 
 
 Clin, What, had he a cloven Foot, Sir, did you mind ? 
 
 Truji. Nay, for my Part, — I know not whether he had 
 
 any Feet or no Ha ! blefs me, defend me, — prote6l 
 
 me Avoid, Satan {Retreating all this while) I 
 
 never wrong'd that Form, which thou hafl ta'en ; fo tell 
 him — And for my Money, I have accounted for that ! and 
 
 all Things are re<5lify'd [Exit, 
 
 Eiiter 
 
142 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 Enter Sir Jeffrey, a7naz'd. 
 Dolly, Oh ! fhield me ye Stars. [Runs in, 
 
 Clin, O Legs ! fave me, fave me. , \Runs in. 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Sir Jeff. What ! Am I become a Monfler ? Do I af- 
 fright all I come near ? What can be the Reafon of this ? 
 The Doors are all barricaded ; and when I knock, none 
 will anfwer — Prithee, Friend, alk fomebody the Caufe of 
 thefe Diforders ? 
 
 7?^?^. No ! Sir, I'll not budge a Foot ; for I dan't know 
 what to fay to you. The Family were all well and in 
 their right Senfes, when I left them ; and now, upon 
 Sight of you, they are all diflradled, I think — I wifh you 
 
 be'n't a Conjurer, or hark ye. Sir, Is not your Name 
 
 E^nmes — Rais'd by the French Prophets to Life again ? 
 
 Sir Jeff, Sirrah, I believe you are the Devil : This Fel- 
 low will make me mad. This mufl be fome Stratagem to 
 abufe me ; and this Rogue is in their Intereft. Why don't 
 you go about your Bufmefs, Sirrah ? What do you hanker 
 after me for ? 
 
 Rog, Nay an you go to that, what do you lounge 
 
 about this Houfe for? — Oh ! Dolly ^ are you there ; here's 
 an old Gentleman is quite out of Patience. 
 
 Dolly, {Trembling above^ Oh, oh, oh, oh 
 
 Rog. Hey day ! What have you got the Palfy 1 
 
 Sir Jeff. What ails you, to tremble fo, Sweetheart? Is 
 Mr. Trujly within ? 
 
 Dolly. I, I, I, I, I, o, o, o, o, Roger — Ha, ha, have 
 
 a care, ca, care Don't yo, yo, you come near him — 
 
 Nor let him to, to, to, touch you, even with his little 
 Finger 
 
 Sir Jeff, Blefs me ! What ails the Wench ? 
 
 Rog, No, why what's the Matter? He has not the 
 Plague about him, has he ? Or is he a Spy from the King 
 of France — Od an he be, I'll maul him 
 
 Dolly. Oh, oh, 'tis a, a, Ghofl. 
 
 Rog. The Devil it is \Takes his Pitchfork off his 
 
 Shoulder^ and holds it out at Sir Jeffrey. 
 
 Sir Jeff. A Gholl, where ?— Who— What's a Ghofl ? 
 Death, what means (he ? 
 
 Rog 
 
The Devil to do about her, 143 
 
 Rog. Od's flefh, my Hair flands an end. Look ye — 
 Keep off Mr. Belzebub, or — or 
 
 Sir Jeff. Look ye, Sweetheart, what Frenzy has pof- 
 
 fefs'd you, I know not But if you take me for a 
 
 Ghofl you are deceived. Therefore look well at me 
 
 Do I not appear like Flefh and Blood 1 
 
 Dolly, Ay, bo, bo, bo, but we, we, we know yo, yo, 
 you a, a, a, a, are not fo, Sir. 
 
 Sir Jeff, Zounds, will they perfuade me out of my 
 
 Life? See, Friend Do I walk like a Spirit.^ Do 
 
 the Dead move, and talk as I do ? 
 
 Rog. When I am dead, if you ask me, I'll refolve 
 
 you, if I can. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Why ! Feel me, feel me. 
 
 Rog. Feel the Devil Mercy upon me Keep 
 
 off, I fay — will ye Or Til flick your Ghoflfhip thro' 
 
 the Guts 
 
 Sir Jeff. What fhall I do ? Nay, prithee. Friend. 
 
 Rog, Friend me no Friends ^Look ye, I am not 
 
 to be coax'd by the Devil, when I know 'tis the Devil. 
 Indeed, when you are got into a Lawyer, or an handfome 
 Woman, one may be trapan'd. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Why will you be fo pofitive ? Has any body 
 imposed upon you ? Pray who told you I was dead ? 
 
 Dolly, Thofe that knew very well. Sir. 
 
 Enter Clinch. 
 
 But I am not able to bear the fight of you any longer 
 Now let Clinch take his Part. 
 
 Sir Jeff, Go to be hang'd Hell and Furies ! 
 
 Ha, what do I fee My Son's Man ! Sirrah, Sirrah, 
 
 what makes you here 1 
 
 Clin, Mercy upon me 
 
 Sir Jeff, What do you flare at, Rafcal, ha ? 
 
 Clin. But that I believe you are dead, Sir, or I fhou'd 
 fwear you are alive 
 
 Sir Jeff, You believe I am dead. Rogue How 
 
 dare you believe fuch an impudent Lye ? Where's the 
 Rake, your Mafler ? I find now who has rais'd this Re- 
 port. Sirrah, what's your Bufmefs here ^ 
 
 Clin, To wait on my Mafler, Sir 
 
 Sir 
 
144 Mans bewitched ; or, 
 
 Sir Jeff, To wait on your Mailer And where is 
 
 your Mafler, pray ? 
 
 Clm. Nay, for my Part, Sir, I am not qualify'd to an- 
 
 fvver a Spirit There's Mr. Anthem^ the Afternoon 
 
 Lecturer, within. He has jufl marry'd Mr. Faithful to a 
 
 great Heirefs, which he brought in jufl now Roger 
 
 here may ftep and call him out a little. 
 
 Rog, With all my Heart If there be any Thing that 
 
 troubles his Mind, Pll go this Minute 
 
 Sir yeff. Sirrah Pll qualify you for an Hofpital 
 
 1 will, ye Dog [Runs after him, 
 
 Clin, Oh, oh, oh. 
 
 Rog, Well run, Clinch ; well run, Ghofl ! Ad, 'tis 
 
 a plaguy malicious Spirit, tho\ 
 
 Clin, Oh, oh, oh. \Runs in, 
 
 Rog, I'll venture to fpeak to it once more In the 
 
 Name of Goodnefs — What is it that diflurbs your Refl? 
 Pray tell me ; and as I'm an honefl Man, I'll do you Juf- 
 tice as far as Twenty Pounds a Year Free-Land, and all 
 
 the Crops of my Farm goes For I perceive you was 
 
 my Landlord, whilfl you was living ; and tho' your Son 
 feems to be a very honefl Gentleman, yet I don't know 
 
 what he may prove for a Landlord- Then pray fpeak, 
 
 can I ferve you .^^ 
 
 Sir Jeff. 'Tis in vain to be angry 1 mufl feem to 
 
 comply with this Fellow — Yes, Friend, it is in thy Power 
 to ferve me ; if thou canfl procure me the Sight of Mr. 
 Trufly^ 'tis with him my Bufmefs is. 
 
 Rog. I'll do mybefl Endeavours, Sir but keep your 
 
 Diftance {He goes a little Way, theit ttirns back.) But 
 
 hark ye. Sir, fuppofe he won't come out, can't I tell him 
 your Mind? 
 
 Sir Jeff, No, no, I mufl fpeak with him myfelf 
 
 Death 
 
 Rog. Good lack what, perhaps — your Soul won't 
 
 refl elfe 
 
 Sir Jeff. Heaven give me Patience! 
 
 Rog. {Going, turns back) But after you have fpoken 
 with him, will you be quiet, and haunt this Houfe no 
 more 1 that's the Queftion, look ye ! 
 
 Sir Jeff. A Pox of thy impertinent Interrogations ; 
 no 
 
 Rog, 
 
The Devil to do about her. 145 
 
 Rog. That's enough ! but hold, mufl he come out, 
 
 or fpeak to you through the Window ? 
 
 Sir Jeff. Any Way, fo I do but fpeak to him 
 
 Oh, oh ! 
 
 Rog. Very well, very well. {Going.) But hark ye, Sir 
 
 Ghofl — you'll be here or Mr. Trufty will be woundy 
 
 angry with me. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Oh Patience, Patience ; or I fhall burft. {A/cde.) 
 Ay, ay. Til not ftir. 
 
 Rog. Well, ril take your Word {Going.) Hold, hold, 
 one Thing more, and I ha' done — Praytellme the Nature 
 of a Ghoft — do you troubled fpirits fly in the Air, or fwim 
 in the Water, pray ? 
 
 Sir Jeff. Oh ! the Devil 
 
 Rog. Mercy upon us ! what are you the Devil, fay you ? 
 Oh, Heaven help you ! Well, then, are you fure he will 
 fee you } for every body can't fee a Ghofl, they fay, ef- 
 pecially if the Devil be in't. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Zounds, I tell you, he'll fee me as plain as 
 you fee me. 
 
 Rog. Nay, nay, that's plain enough — Well, I'll knock, 
 but, but, but don't you come an Inch nearer me, I charge 
 you. [Knocks. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Wou'd I had been an hundred Miles off, 
 when I firfl faw thee. What has my gracelefs fon been 
 doing } 
 
 Dolly. Who's there ? [Speaks within, 
 
 Ro^. 'Tis I, Dolly, prithee tell Mafler Trujly that he 
 mufl fpeak to this Ghofl, or there's nothing to be done — 
 
 Dolly. I doubt he will not be perfuaded to it. 
 
 Rog. Why, let him fpeak to it through the Window, 
 or from the Top of the Houfe — fo he does but fpeak to 
 it ; but in fhort, it mufl be fpoke to, and by him, for it 
 is a confounded fullen Spirit, and will tell its Mind to no- 
 body elfe — He fmells curfedly of Brimflone — Look ye, if 
 Mafler will come out, it fhan't hurt him — for I'll keep it 
 off with my Fork, fo tell him, Dolly, 
 
 Dolly. I'll inform him. 
 
 Trufly opens the Window. 
 
 Rog. So, I have done it, you fee Here's Mafler 
 
 Trufty. {Going towards the Window. 
 
 '° VOL. in. Sir 
 
146 The Mans bewitch! d; or, 
 
 Sir Jeff. I thank you. 
 
 Truji. I am not able to ftand, if it comes near me 
 
 Why are you thus diflurb'd, Sir Jeffrey ? 1 affure 
 
 you, your Son has done every Thing very juflly. 
 
 Sir Jeff, Why are you thus imposed upon, Mr. Trujiy^ 
 
 to believe I am dead ? — — — My Son, quotha ! Oh 
 
 that I had never got that Son \Weeps. 
 
 TruJl. I know not what to think ; fure 'tis no Ghofl. 
 
 Rog, Well, this Thing is the likefl Flefh and Blood, 
 that ever I faw 
 
 Sir Jeff, Pray do but touch me, Mr. Trujiy — 'tis very 
 odd, you will not be perfuaded to touch me. 
 
 \Pitts out his Hand towards the Window. 
 
 Rog, Take Heed, Mr. Trujiy, 
 
 IruJi, Why fhou'd I fear, I never wrong'd him — I'll 
 venture ; but firfl — {Holds tip his Hand as if he prayed,) 
 now — ha ! 'tis a real Hand, — He's living ; — Sir, I am 
 convinced. 
 
 R^g, Say you fo why then if you are alive, the 
 
 Fright's over, and I'm glad on't with all my Heart. 
 
 TruJl, I afk your Pardon, Sir ; I have been abus'd — 
 grofly abus'd ; Sir Jeffrey, your Son, came down in 
 Mourning, and affur'd me you was dead. 
 
 Sir Jeff* I'll make him mourn for fomething, I warrant 
 yotu 
 
 TruJl, Ah ! that he does already. Sir, for I have paid 
 him all the rents in my Hands. 
 
 Sir Jeff, Have you fo ? 'Tis the lafl Rents he fliall 
 
 ever take for any Land of mine— I'll difmherit him 
 
 this Day. 
 
 TruJl. Oh ! undone, undone for ever Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 \Weeps. 
 
 Rog. Here's fmall Mirth towards, as far as I can find. 
 I'll e'en take t'other Horn of Ale, and t'other Bufs of 
 
 Dolly \Ex, into the Hou/e, 
 
 (Clinch lijlening.) 
 
 Sir Jeff. What has that Rogue's Extravagance coft me ? 
 But if he flarves for the future, I care not ; he never fhall 
 get a Groat from me. 
 
 Clin. Nay, then we may all go for Soldiers. {AJlde, 
 
 Sir Jeff, Where is he ? 
 
 TruJl. Oh, oh, oh ! I know not ; but wherever he is — 
 
 I am 
 
The Devil to do about hre. 147 
 
 I am wretched, he has made me miferable,- Fm fure. Oh, 
 oh, oh ! 
 
 Sir Jeff. No, Mr. Trufly ; though you have us'd me 
 dirtiiy, in making me the Jefl of your Family ; for you 
 might have difcover'd the Impoflure with lefs Precaution ; 
 yet ril not take that Advantage which the Laws allow. 
 You have fervid me long, and I believe you honefl. Fll 
 difcharge you from what you have paid my undutiful 
 
 Child Let him take what he has got, and make the 
 
 beft on't. 
 
 C//;/. That^s fomething, however. [Ajlde. 
 
 Truji, You are generous, Sir Jeffrey^ even, beyond my 
 Hopes : But Oh 1 there is yet a greater Offence behind, 
 
 which cuts me deeper than the Money Alas ! my 
 
 Daughter 
 
 Sir What of her? 
 
 Truji. Is married to your Son ; Oh ; oh, oh ! 
 
 Sir Jeff. Then he is compleatly wretched A Wife, 
 
 and no Eflate ; ha, ha, ha ; Fm glad on't with all my 
 Heart. 
 
 Clin. There's a kind Father now 1 muft give my 
 
 Mafler Notice of his good Fortune. \^Exit, 
 
 Truji. Oh ! fay not fo, Sir ; be not glad of my Child's 
 Ruin ; had I known you liv^d, the Match had never been. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Go ; you are not the Man I took you for — 
 you are but a Knave. You ought to have been as juft to 
 
 my Heir, as to myfelf What, was your Blood fit to 
 
 be popt into my Eflate 1 Ha ! or have you been really a 
 Steward, and cheated me out of a Fortune for your 
 Daughter ? 
 
 TruJi. Sir, what 1 am Mafler of, I got fairly under you, 
 Part, and Part under my Lord Belville in Ireland, whom 
 I ferv'd twenty Years in the fame Pofl I do you ; when he 
 died, he trufled me with a Secret, which yet I have di- 
 vulged to no Man ; and when I do, the World will fay I 
 am an honeft Man. Love firfl joined their Hearts, and 
 my Ignorance their Hands ; ufe me as you pleafe, but 
 pardon them. 
 
 Enter Lovely, &*c. 
 Lov. I mufl become an Interceffor in that too. Sir Jef- 
 frey ; Love is the great Cementer of the Marriage- State ; 
 it reconciles all Differences — it bends the Stubborn- -and 
 G 2 it 
 
148 The Mans bewitched ; or, 
 
 it tames the Bold, it wins the Haughty, foftens the Sa- 
 vage, and reclaims the Libertine ! then will you cafl off 
 your Son for a Vertue, you ought rather to prize him for ? 
 
 Sir Jeff. That Love can never be a Vertue, Mr. Lovely, 
 that teaches a Child to trick his Parents. 
 
 Lov, Stratagems ever were allowed of in Love and War ; 
 Sir, you mufl forgive him. 
 
 Enter Captain Conflant, Belinda and Maria. 
 
 Mar. And I mufl fecond Mr. Lovely, Sir ; the Captain 
 has married a virtuous Woman, and I believe you'll con- 
 fefs a handfome one too. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Nay, I have nothing to fay againft her Vir- 
 tue, nor her Beauty neither ; fhe's a pretty Woman, that's 
 the Truth on't ; if fhe had married any body's Son but 
 mine, I fhou'd have wifh'd her Joy with all my Heart — 
 Oh thou gracelefs Wretch, get out of my Sight 
 
 Con, {Kneeling,) I confefs. Sir, I am unworthy of your 
 Mercy, but throw myfelf wholly upon your Good-Nature 
 and fatherly Affe6lion, with this Refolution, never to at- 
 tempt aught againfl your Pleafure more. 
 
 Sir Jeff No, Sir, nothing you can do for the future, 
 (hall either pleafe, or difpleafe me ; mark that. 
 
 Bel, Give us but your Bleffmg, Sir, and we fhall never 
 quarrel with Fortune for her Favours : Love fhall fupply 
 that Defe6l ; my chief Concern fhall be to fhew my Duty, 
 and by my Care to pleafe you, prove the entire Affedlion 
 I have for your Son ! and that Way make up the Inequa- 
 lity of my Birth and Fortune. 
 
 Sir Jeff You fhall never make up any Thing with me, 
 
 I promife you. Madam, whilfl he is your Father 
 
 Death, marry my Slave ? 
 
 Truji. The Name of Slave belongs not to us free-born 
 People, Sir Jeffrey ; but were I your Slave, fhe is not ; 
 for fmce the Truth mufl out, fhe is no Child of mine, 
 but Daughter to my Lord Belville ; which I have brought 
 up ever fmce fhe was three Days' old ; her Mother dying 
 in her Labour, and her Marriage being private, becaufe 
 fhe was much below my Lord's Quality ; and he at that 
 Time under the Tuition of a Father : He never made it 
 publick, but put her into my Hands to breed up as my 
 own. W^hen he came to his Eflate, he purchas'd a thou- 
 
 fand 
 
The Devil to do about her, 149 
 
 fand Pounds a Year, and fettled it on her ; which I have 
 managed ever fmce, and now will deliver it up to Captain 
 Conjiant. This I had told in the Infancy of their Loves ; 
 but that I faw your Son was not well with you, and did 
 not then think him a Match good enough for her ; but 
 fmce he has over-reach'd me, I hope you'll prove a Father. 
 
 Sir Jeff, Is it poffible ! Od, Madam, I wifh you Joy 
 with all my Soul, Faith I do ; and if this is Matter of 
 Fa6l, you fhall find me a Father : Jack^ you fhall go to 
 Flanders no more. 
 Lov. Dear Conjiant^ I congratulate thy good Fortune — 
 Mar, And I your's, Madam, fmce I no more muft call 
 you Coufin. 
 
 Bel, Still let me hold that Name ; for fmce I never knew 
 my Father, I fhall acknowledge this good Man as fuch. 
 
 Mar. Sir Jeffrey, I was pofitive you wou'd not repent. 
 
 Sir Jeff, You, that are fo pofitive in thefe Matters ; 
 why don't you and Mr. Lovely flrike up a Bargain ? he 
 has followed you a considerable Time. 
 
 Lov, That Queflion is a propos, Sir Jeffrey, What can 
 you fay, Madam ? muft I dangle after you two or three 
 Years longer 1 Faith, I wifh I hold out. 
 
 Truft, Give him thy Hand, Girl ; Pll engage to recon- 
 cile thy Father, or give thee a Portion myfelf. 
 
 Sir Jeff, Why, what Obje6lions can he make againfl 
 Mr. Lovely, 
 
 Truft. Only Principles : Her Father's a violent Tory 
 and this honeft Gentleman's a Whig, that's all. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Ha, ha, a flrong Reafon, Faith. 
 
 Truft, I'll bring him over, I warrant thee. Girl. 
 
 Mar. Upon that Condition, there's my Hand. 
 
 Lov. And here's my Heart. {Embrace, 
 
 Sir Jeff. Why, that's well faid— we only want the Man 
 in Black now. 
 
 Enter Faithful and Laura, Lucy and Manage. 
 
 Faith, We have jufl done with ours ; he is within flill. 
 Tru, D^zxyix, Faithful, I wifh thee Joy with all my 
 Heart ; and you. Madam. 
 Om, We all do the fame. 
 
 Faith, I thank you all, and heartily return the fame to 
 G 3 each 
 
150 The Mans bewitch! d ; or, 
 
 each of you ; I wou'd have the whole Race of Mankind 
 blefs'd, now I am fo. 
 
 Lau, There cannot be a Joy beyond what I am pof- 
 fefs'd of. 
 
 Bel, I hope, Madam, we lhall be better acquainted for 
 the Future. 
 
 Lau, I fhall be very ambitious of the Honour. 
 
 Enter Sir David. 
 
 Sir Dav, Ho ! have I found you, Villains ? I charge 
 you all in the Queen's Name, to affifl me infecuring this 
 Couple. 
 
 Trujl, Why Faith, Sir David, they are fecure enough, 
 for they are lawfully linked in the Chains of Matrimony, 
 Fm witnefs. 
 
 Sir Dav. Marry'd ! the Devil they are. 
 
 Mar. Yes, Sir, Fll fwear to it, if occafion be. 
 
 Lucy, So will I too, Sir David, 
 
 Lau. And with my own Confent, I affure you You 
 
 may barricade your Windows now, Sir David, I fhall run 
 mad no more ; Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Faith, I fhall trouble your Houfe no more. Sir, I am 
 difpoffefs'd, Sir David, you need not run from me now ; 
 ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Con. And he will know his Inn for the future ; ha, ha, 
 ha ! 
 
 Faith. And am perfectly recovered of my Wound, Sir ; 
 and fhall have no Occafion to borrow your Coach again ; 
 without you'll do me the Favour to let it carry my Wife 
 to Londo7t. 
 
 Sir Dav, Carry her to Hell Here's a fhuffling cut- 
 ting Rafcal in all his Tropes and Figures : Zounds, how 
 I am trick'd ! But you have robb'd me, Miflrefs. 
 
 Lau. Of nothing but my Writings, Sir, mark that. 
 
 Sir Dav. The Law fhall tell you that ; and fo, may the 
 Itch of Variety feize you, and the Curfe of Cuckoldom 
 fall on him ; Arrefls and Poverty on you all. [Exit. 
 
 Truji. Ha, ha, ha ! now Lovely, for the Parfon. 
 
 Enter ^Squire Num and Slouch. 
 Num. Hold ! I forbid the Banns ; you fhan't have 
 her, mun, for all you are fo cock-fure. 
 
 Si 
 
The Devil to do about her, 151 
 
 Sir Jeff. What Banns do you forbid, Friend ? 
 Num. Why, Mr. Trufty^i Daughter's Banns. 
 Om, Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Lov. Alas ! 'Squire, you come too late ; flie that was 
 Mr. Truftys Daughter, is marry'd ; and Fm jufl going to't. 
 
 Num, That was ! What do you mean ? 
 
 Lov. Why, I mean that Mrs. Belinda, that has fnapt 
 your Heart, 'Squire, proves to be a Lord's Daughter, and 
 not Mr. Trujiys, as you believe ; and now is Captain 
 Conjianfs Wife, here. 
 
 Num. A Lord's Daughter ! Nounds, I'm glad I'm rid 
 of her — Captain, I wifh you much Joy with all my Heart 
 
 Od, I'll engage (he fhakes your Commiffion for you ; 
 
 ha, ha. 
 
 Om, Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Num. Why, what Luck have I had. Slouch / Mercy on 
 us ; what a Ruin had I brought upon all our Country 
 Gentlemen innocently ? For fhe wou'd have corrupted all 
 their Wives ; the Devil a one wou'd have made her own 
 Butter, after being acquainted with her. 
 
 Bel. Oh ! you miftake, 'Squire, I am an excellent 
 Houfewife ; ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Num. Yes, yes, fome in our Country know by woful 
 Experience, what Houfewives you Quality make; Nounds, 
 'twou'd undo the High Sheriff of the County to find you 
 in clean Cards ; then your plaguy outlandifh Liquors, your 
 Coffee and Tea, fucks up the Cream of a whole Dairy, 
 and your Suppers and Dinners for your Goffips wou'd con- 
 found all the Eggs and Pullen ; and the Money you game 
 away, wou'd ruin a Lord of a Manor. No, no, no Qua- 
 lity Breed for us Country Gentlemen ; 'egad, that wou'd 
 be worfe than double Taxes ; ha, ha. 
 
 Con. Ha, ha ! Weil then, 'Squire, I have done you a 
 Piece of Service ; I hope all Animofities are forgot. 
 
 Num. They are i'faith, Sir ; and if you'll give me Leave, 
 I'll be heartily merry with you. 
 
 Trujl. You fhall be heartily welcome, 'Squire ; I fent for 
 the Mufick — Hark, I hear them tuning their Inflruments. 
 
 Num. Mufick ! 'Egad, if they can play my Tune, I'll 
 give you a Jig. 
 
 TruJl. Come, let's in then, and begin. S^Exit. 
 
 G 4 SCENE 
 
152 The Marts bewitcfid ; or, 
 
 SCENE, The Inftde of the Hou/e, and difcovers them 
 dancing. 
 
 Enter Roger and Dolly. 
 
 Rog, Save you all — Mafter and Landlord that was, and 
 Mafler and Landlord that is, Fm glad to hear all is over, 
 
 with all my Soul 1 hope you'll not forget your Pro- 
 
 mife tho' to your poor Tenant Roger — which was to fpeak 
 
 to Mafler no, no, fpeak to yourfelf now, Sir My 
 
 Farm is woundly dear. 
 
 Trujl, Y ou are wondrous merry, Roger, 
 
 Rog. So is every body you know. Sir, when they are 
 prepared for the Parfon ; are they not, Mrs. Belinda ? 
 I hope I fhall have your Confent ; for I have got Dolly in 
 the Mind at lafl. 
 
 BeL I wifh you Joy with all my Heart, Roger, 
 
 Con, Fm glad to fee you follow your Lady's Example, 
 Mrs. Dorothy. 
 
 Dolly, She fet too good a Pattern, not to imitate, Sir. 
 
 Con, Here remains three to be provided for yet ; which 
 is Clinch^ Lucy and Manage, 
 
 Lucy, The befl Provifion I defire, is to wait on my 
 Lady Hill, Sir. 
 
 Man, And I on my Mafler ; who knows but Time may 
 chop up a Wedding between you and I, Child ? {To Lucy 
 
 Faith, Your Defires are granted ; what fays Clinch ? 
 
 Clin. I had a kind of a Tender for Dolly ; but fmce 
 fhe's difpos'd of, Fll fland as I do. 
 
 Conjl, Then we are all agreed. 
 
 Sir Jeff. Well, honefl Roger^ if thou'lt give us a Song 
 to your Dance now, Fll be as good as my Word, and make 
 thy Farm eafy in the Rent for the next Year. 
 
 Rog. Say you fo? I thank you heartily, Mafter, Fll do 
 my befl, I can't fmg like your Londoners — But 'tis a new 
 Ballad, and 'twas made at London^ by a very honefl Coun- 
 try Gentleman, lafl Seffions of Parliament. Hum, hum. 
 
 \Sings, 
 
 Slouch, Ads Blead, you fmg, Sir, and the 'Squire by, 
 that's more than any Man in Zomer/etjhire venture to 
 do; Mafler, Ods Wounds^ hold your own, Mafler. 
 
 A SONG 
 
The Devil to do about her. 153 
 
 A S O N G, the Author, and fung by Mr. Dogget. 
 
 Wou^d you chufe a Wife for a happy Life, 
 Leave the Court, and the Country take ; 
 Where Dolly and '^m^, young Molly and Prue, 
 Follow Roger and John, whilfl Harvefi goes on, 
 And merrily, merrily rake. 
 
 Leave the London Dames, be it f poke to their Shames, 
 To lig in their Beds till Noon ; 
 Then get up and fir etch, then paint too and patch. 
 Some Widgeon to catch, then look on their Watch, 
 And wonder they rofe tip fo foon. 
 
 Then Coffee and Tea, both Green and Bohea, 
 Ls ferv'd to their Tables in Plate ; 
 Where their Tattles do run, as fwift as the Sun, 
 Of what they have won, and who is tifidone, 
 By their gaming, and fitting up late. 
 
 The Lafs give me here, thd' brown as my Beer, 
 That knows how to govern her Houfe ; 
 That can milk her Cow, or farrow her Sow ; 
 Make Butter, or Cheefe, or gather green Peafe, 
 And values fine Clothes not a Loufe, 
 
 This, this is the Girl, worth Rtibies and Pearl ; 
 This the Wife that will make a Man rich : 
 We Gentlemen need no Quality Breed, 
 To fquander away what Taxes would pay, 
 In truth we care for none fuch. 
 
 Con. Now I am happy 
 
 Belinda mine, and you my faults forgive ; 
 
 ^Tis from this Moment I begin to live. 
 
 Love f prang the Mine, and made the Breach in Duty, 
 
 No Cannon-Bail can execute like Beauty, 
 
 But lUl no more in fearch of Pleafures rove, 
 
 Since every Bleffmgis compriz'd in Love, [Exeunt. 
 
 A GO. 
 
GOTHAM 
 
 ELECTION. 
 
 G 6 
 
Dramatis Perfonas, 
 
 MEN. 
 
 TI C K U P , a Candidate for Gotham. 
 Sir John Worthy, another Candidate talked on, but 
 not feen. 
 
 Friendly, an Agent for Sir Roger Trufty. 
 
 Score-double, an Inn-keeper, 
 
 Watt Wafhball, a Barber, 
 
 The Mayor of Gotham. 
 
 Mallet, a Carpenter^ and his Son, 
 
 Scruple, a Quaker, 
 
 A Cobler, 
 
 A Miller, 
 
 Ben Blunt. 
 
 Gregory Gabble. 
 
 Roger Sly. 
 
 Timothy Shallow. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Lady Worthy, 
 Goody Gabble. 
 Goody Shallow. 
 Goody Sly. 
 
 Midwife^ and other Women, 
 
 SCENE, Gotham, 
 
 A 
 
A 
 
 GOTHAM ELECTION. 
 
 ACT I. SCENE I. 
 
 Enter on one Side Mr. Friendly. 
 
 On the other ^ Scoredouble, an Inn-keeper^ 
 
 A ! Landlord, Lm glad to fee you. 
 
 Score. Mr. Friendly^ you are wel- 
 come. 
 
 Friend. I hope Mrs. Scoredouble and 
 your pretty Daughter's well. 
 
 Score. Yes, yes, Sir, the Women are in good Cafe ; 
 my Wife, as the old Zaying is, is better in Health than 
 good Condition. In troth Lm glad to zee you ; pray, what 
 brought you to Gotham an I may be fo bold to zSk you ? 
 Ele6lions, I warrant you ? 
 
 Friend. Something like it, Landlord; pray what fort 
 of a Man is your Mayor 1 
 
 Score. Why, his Worfhip is a huge Admirer of the 
 French ; nay, 'tis whifper'd by zome, that his Zon is with 
 the Knight of the Dragon^ for he has never been zeen 
 zince the Duke of what d'e call him went away. 
 Friend. Say you fo ! 
 
 Score. Ay, an he has a Daughter, a weighty Girl, I 
 promife you : Od wou'd you had her, Mr. Friendly ; fhe 
 has Five Thoufand Pound, and a right Lover of her 
 Country. 
 
 Friend. Five Thoufand Pound! a-gad, a fudden Thought 
 comes into my Head, Pll purfue it ; who knows but I may 
 make fome lucky Difcovery : I thank you for your kind 
 Wifhes, Landlord, but I can never hope for such a For- 
 tune: 
 
 Friend. 
 
158 y^ Got HAM Elefiion. 
 
 tune : His Son with the Knight of the Dragon, fay you, 
 why then your Mayor is a Jacobite, 
 
 Score, Nay, he is fhrewdly fufpe6led by zome to be a 
 down-right Papijl in his Heart ; but to zay Truth of him, 
 he does go to Church conflantly, he does, indeed ; he does 
 go to Church. 
 
 Friend, A pretty Fellow, for the Head of a Corpora- 
 tion. 
 
 Score, What do you pleafe to drink, Sir ? 
 
 Friend. Why, bring us the befh your Houfe affords. 
 
 Score, The befl my houfe affords, ha, ha, ha, that is 
 
 as you think it. Sir ; now mofl of our Gentry, for 
 
 this lafl vour Years, d^e mind, will touch nothing but 
 French Claret, — there are zome that like your Port Wines 
 ftill, but very few, and thofe of the poorer Zort too, as 
 my Barboard can witnefs. 
 
 Friend, Come, bring fuch as you like yourfelf. 
 
 Score, Why then, M after, we'll have a bottle of white 
 
 Lifbon, Here, Sam, bring a Bottle of the befl white 
 
 Lifbon, d'ye hear. 
 
 Friend. Withal my Heart. — Well, Landlord, and how 
 will Eledlions go with you in Gotham ? 
 
 Score, Why here is old tugging vort : Here has been 
 
 zuch roafling of Oxen : Zuch Veafling, and zuch Cabal- 
 ling, as you ne'er zaw the like ! Here's one Squire Tickup, 
 
 a Londoner, I think puts up for one ; he's over Head 
 
 and Ears in Debt, they zay, and zo has a Mind to get 
 above the Law, and pay no Body. 
 
 Friend, That's one Way, indeed, to ferve himfelf ; but 
 he that has not Honefly enough to pay his own Debts, 
 may eafily be brought to give up the Debts of the Na- 
 tion. 1 hope he has no confiderable Number of Votes 
 
 fecur'd, has he 1 
 
 Score. He has zome Here has happen'd an unfor- 
 tunate Squabble between Sir John Worthy, and his Lady. 
 
 Friend. Sir John Worthy I Does not he put up too ? 
 
 Score, Ay, and he and his Family has reprefented this 
 zame Burrough of Gotham thefe vorty Years, and yet I 
 believe he will lofe it now ; I am forry vor't, vor he's a 
 very honefl Gentleman. 
 
 Friend. How fo, prithee ? 
 
 Score. Why you mufl know his Lady is a what d'ye call 
 
 it,- 
 
A Gotham EleSlion. 1 59 
 
 it, a High-flyer, and nothing zo great as our Par- 
 
 fon's Wife and flie ; now you mufl know, the Parfon had 
 
 given my Lady a game Cockeril, and, as the Devil 
 
 would have it, a Diffenter's Dog happened to worry this 
 
 zame Cockeril, and becaufe Sir yohn wou'd not go to 
 
 Law with him for his Dog's Fault, my Lady zwears he's 
 a Rebel, and would pull down the Church. 
 
 Friend, Ha, ha, excellent ; but how does this effedl Sir 
 John^s Ele6lion? 
 
 Score. Why, my Lady being plaguy cunning de mind, 
 
 fhe referv'd to herfelf a Thousand Pound when fhe 
 
 married Sir John ; now flie fwears fhe'U fpend every Groat 
 on't, but fhe'll fling Sir John out of his Election ; and un- 
 der the Rofe, d'ye zee, they zay that flie, and this zame 
 Squire Tickup, are mainly well acquainted ; zo fhe veafts 
 the good Wives, d'ye mind, and fo fecures all thofe Huf- 
 bands Votes, whofe Wives wear the Breeches, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Friend. Ha, ha, come my Service to you, and to all 
 thofe honefl: Fellows not under Petticoat Government. 
 
 Score. With all my Heart ; hang Petticoat Government 
 I zay ; Zooks I love to wear my own Breeches. 
 
 Friend. Here's flrange Juggling it feems. 
 
 Score. Ha, ha, but now you talk of Juggling, we had 
 rare Juggling here not long flnce ; we had like to have 
 had all the Money in the Country juggled away. 
 
 Friend. As how ! 
 
 Score. Why, here was a Trickfler came down to 6^^?- 
 tham 
 
 Enter Wat Wafliball. 
 Ho, Wat Wafhball \ Come in, come in mun ; this zame 
 Man can teftify what I am going to zay : He is a very 
 
 honefl Freeholder, of vour Pounds a Year, zo he is, 
 
 a Barber here by ; with your Leave, Mafler, I'll drink to 
 him. 
 
 Friend Pray do, you are welcome, Friend. 
 Wat. Thank you. Sir. 
 
 Score. Come pull a Chair Wat, and zit down ; I was 
 telling Mafler i^w/^^/j/ here, of the Trickfler that chang'd 
 the Cards zo, you know, Wat^ in the Town- Hall. 
 
 Wat. Ay, that was a bitter Dog, I believe we fhant 
 forget him in Hafle. 
 
 Friend. Why, what did he do ? 
 
 Score, 
 
i6o A Gotham Eleflion. 
 
 Score. Why, you mufl know, Sir, he play'd feveral 
 Tricks but his greatefl Skill lay in changing the Cards, 
 He had a plaguy Nack at that ; don't you re- 
 member, Wat^ how he dealt a Card round the Hall, 
 
 when our High Sheriff had got the Ace of Hearts, 
 
 you know ? 
 
 Wat. Ay, as plain an Ace of Hearts are ever I zaw in 
 all my born Days. 
 
 Score. Ay, and what does this zame Trickfler but with 
 
 one Whif, conjures away this zame Ace of Hearts,^ — 
 
 and claps the Knave of Clubs in its Place. 
 
 Friend. Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Score. When my Neighbour WaJJiball and I zaw that, 
 we wou'd have had the Mayor made his Mittimufs, and 
 zent him to a Gaol. 
 
 Wat. No, no, not for that, not for that, Landlord, it 
 was for changing an Englijh Guinea into a French Piflole, 
 you know. 
 
 Score. Right, right, zo it was ; Wat^ zo it was ; and you 
 know the Mayor said the Piflole was the better Gold, and 
 wou'd not meddle with him vor't. 
 
 Friend. But there was Four Shillings loft by that 
 Change ; what cou'd your Mayor fay for that ? 
 
 Wat. Zay ! Why he pretended to prove by Logick, I 
 
 think he call'd it, that Seventeen and Six-pence was 
 
 more than One and Twenty and Sixpence. 
 
 Friend. Pretty Sophiftry truly, for a Mayor of a Cor- 
 poration ; and what is become of this Juggler 
 
 Score. Gone to the Devil, vor ought I know. 
 
 Friend. From whence came he 1 
 
 Wat. Why zome zay from one Part, zome another ; 
 but thofe that pretend to know beft, zay he came from 
 zome Part of the Zouth-Zeas. 
 
 Friend. I rather believe the South-Seas came from him. 
 
 Wat. Pray what is this zame Zouth-Zeas 1 A Shire, 
 Town, Burrough, or Market-Town. 
 
 Friend. It was a Market, and once had a very great 
 Trade for Flumery and Leeks. 
 
 Score. Well, of all Garden Stuff, I hate those zame 
 Leeks. 
 
 Wat. They leave a plaguy Stink behind them. 
 
 Enter* 
 
A Gotham Ele^lion. i6i 
 
 Enter Drawer, 
 
 Drawer, Dinner's upon Table, Sir. 
 
 Score. Mafler Friendly^ will you eat a Slice of Buttock 
 of Beef and Carrots ? 
 
 Fi'iend, With all my Heart, and after Dinner I Ihou'd 
 
 be glad if you'd bring me acquainted with fome of the 
 honefl Fellows of Gotham ; Til try if I can recommend a 
 worthy Gentleman to them, one that has Gold enough, 
 and owes no Man a Groat ; is as generous as a Prince, 
 and loves his Country as he loves his Wife. 
 
 Score, Ha, ha, ha, troth Mafler, that may be little 
 enough, vor what as I do know pray? who is he ? 
 
 Friend, Sir Roger Trujiy. 
 
 Score. Sir Roger I I fhall be glad to zee him with all 
 my Heart, Blood and Guts, as they zay. [Exeunt, 
 
 S C E N E changes to a Room in a Tavern. 
 
 Enter Lady Worthy, Mr, Tickup, Goody Gabble, and 
 Goody Shallow. 
 
 Lady. Never fear, my dear Tickup^ as far as my 
 
 Thoufand Pound goes Pilfland by you ; Fllfpend it every 
 Shilling but carry my Point ; I hate a Whig fo much, that 
 ril throw my Hufband out of his Elecflion, or throw my- 
 felf out of the World ! a Parcel of canting Rogues ; they 
 
 have always Moderation in their Mouths, rank Refill* 
 
 ance in their Hearts, and hate Obedience even to their 
 
 lawful Wives, and then they bear a mortal Hatred to 
 
 Three Pound Fourteen and Fippence ? 
 
 Tick, Ay, they hate all Coin that won't take their \rc^ 
 preffion. 
 
 Lady, Why there's my Brute of a Hufband now, he 
 hates the French fo much, that he won't let poor Fanny 
 learn to dance. 
 
 Good G. Nay, my Hufband is a little poifon'd that Way 
 too ; will you believe it, Madam, he had the Impu- 
 dence to forbid me Dancing with your Honour's Worfhip 
 
 lafl Night ; ^he faid Dancing was a bold Recreation, 
 
 and that was an Inlet to Sin ; but I pluck'd up a Spi- 
 rit, and told him, I wou'd do it ; that I wou'd dance, and 
 
 dance again, fo I wou'd, od my Gentleman was foon 
 
 VOL. III. fhub'd, 
 
1 62 ^Gotham Ele6lion, 
 
 fnub*d, for he knew, an he raised my Paffion once, he 
 wou'd have enough to do to get it down again. 
 
 Good S. Well, an I zay but one Word to Timothy Shal- 
 low^ down goes Thimble and Shears, and up he takes 
 
 Gloves and Stick, and away goes he. Ah, you're a 
 
 happy Woman, Goody Gabble; your Hufband is a Man 
 every Inch of him, Fll zay that for him. 
 
 Good G. You'll fay that for him ; Pray how come you 
 to know w^hat Man my Hufband is. Goody Shallow f 
 Have you found him a Man for your Bufmefs, ha? 
 
 Good S, I, I found your Hufband a Man for my Bufi- 
 
 nefs, I have a Hufband as fit for Bufmefs as yours ; 
 
 and tho' I zay it, that fhou'd not zay it, there is not a 
 better Workman in the Parifh. 
 
 Tick. Ay, ay, they are both good Workmen enough in 
 their Way ; fhe only jefled with you, that's all. 
 
 Lady, Ay, ay. Neighbours, nothing elfe, — well, you'll 
 ufe your Endeavours with your Hufbands to give their 
 Votes for Mr. Tickup. 
 
 G. Gab. That I fhall fure, Madam, your Worfhip 
 
 promifes me I fhall nurfe the young Squire, as foon as he 
 is born. 
 
 Tick. That you fhall. 
 
 G. Gab. And I am to have Twenty Pounds a Year. 
 
 Lady. Ay, I'll pafs my Word for't. 
 
 G. Gab. I thank your Ladyfhip, not that I doubt 
 
 your Word, Madam, or the bountiful Squire's in the 
 leafl ; — but, but, but, an, an the Squire wou'd advance 
 a Year's Sallery aforehand, it wou'd go a great Way with 
 my Hufband ; for you mufl know, that Gregory Gabble 
 is an honeft Man, and won't vote againfl his Confcience, 
 
 if it were not for his Intereft ; now Sir John, you 
 
 know. Madam, promifes to renew his Leafe Gratis., if he 
 votes for him, but an he votes againfl him, he won't bate 
 him a Groat fo he won't ; you know your Hufband's 
 Temper, Madam. 
 
 Lady. Oh, prithee name him not, you'll give me the 
 Vapours ; there, there's Twenty Pound for you, let me 
 hear his odious Name no more. 
 
 Tick. Take Notice Goody Gabble^ thofe Twenty Pounds 
 
 are to pay for nurfmg of a Child that fhall be born, 
 
 no Matter when. 
 
 G, Gab, 
 
A Gotham E legion. 
 
 G, Gab. No, no, no, no Matter whether ever or never, 
 ril take it when you fend it, fure fweet Squire. 
 
 Tick. It is not out of any finifter End to fuborn your 
 Hufband ; no, I fcorn it, I am an honefl Man, and a Lo- 
 ver of the Church, and will take Care the Roguifh Whigs 
 don't pull down a Haffock in't. 
 
 Lady. Ay, Neighbours, Mr. Tickufs a good Church- 
 man, mark that ! He is none of your occafional Cattle ; 
 none of your hellifh pantile Crew ; Oh, we fhall ne- 
 ver thrive till all thefe canting Whigs are whipt out of 
 
 the Kingdom ; Oh, that I had the Jerking of 'em, 
 
 Td teach 'em Paffive-Obedience, or make the Devil come 
 out of 'em. 
 
 Good S. Well, your Ladyfhip is a very wife Woman^ 
 that's certain : Good lack, how fhe doth talk, Neighbour 
 Gabble ? Oh, (he's a great Woman. 
 
 Lady. Ay, and you fhall be a great Woman too, Goody 
 Shallow^ if Mr. Tickup carries the Day ; well, I'll fay no 
 more, but every Body don't know Mr. Tickuf?> Power ; — 
 but there's a certain great Prince, that fhall be namelefs, 
 that has a very great Kindnefs for him, and for ought I 
 know, he may fland as fair for a Garter as the befl of 'em, 
 one Day. 
 
 Good. S. Pray, 'Squire, will you be fo kind as to re- 
 commend my Tinty to that fame great Prince, to be his 
 Taylor ? 
 
 Lady. He fhall do it : your Hufband fhall be his Taylor, 
 and you fhall be Dreffer to his Queen. 
 
 Good. S. And will your Honour's Worfhip do this? 
 
 Tick. I'll do any Thing to ferve you. Goody Shallow. 
 
 Good. S. Will you, truly ! Well, Timothy Shallow, thou 
 
 art a made Man ; and am I born to be a Courtier ? 
 
 Good lack, good lack 
 
 Good. G. Blefs me ! Who wou'd have thought that you, 
 with your Broomflick, wou'd have come tofuch Honour, 
 Goody Shallow ? 
 
 Good. S. Ay, who indeed ; but I ha no vine Cloaths 
 
 to go to Court in tho' ; what mun I do for that now ? 
 
 Tick. Why, to fhow you that I have a Kindnefs for you 
 and your Hufband, there is Ten Guineas to rig you, for 
 the Honours I defign to prefer you to. {^Gives her Money. 
 
 Good. S. Ah, Heaven blefs your good Worfhip, me 
 
 and 
 
164 
 
 A Gotham E legion. 
 
 and mine will be obliged to pray for you, as long as we 
 live. 
 
 Lady, Look you there now, when wou'd a Whig have 
 
 done as much ? Blefs me, I'm in a Sweat when I but 
 
 name a Whig. [Fans her/elf, and walks about. 
 
 Tick. I take a Pleafure to ferve my Country Folks, and 
 
 am proud of an Opportunity to do good Offices ; for 
 
 my Part, I fhould not be concerned if I lofl the Eledlion, 
 otherways than not being in a Capacity to ferve my poor 
 Country at this Jundiure. 
 
 Lady. There's a Man for ye, Neighbours ! Now cou'd 
 you find in your Heart, Goody Shallow ^ to deny this Gen- 
 tleman any Thing, any Thing, any Thing, I fay 1 
 
 Good, S. No, by my truly, I think I cou'd not ; why 
 Ihou'd I belie my Confcience ? Madam, come, here's the 
 'Squire's Health. [drinks. 
 
 Tick, I am oblig'd to you. Goody Shallow, [kiffesher. 
 
 Good, S, Good Gentleman, he's not proud ; odd, he 
 
 kiffes main fweetly. Madam. 
 
 Lady. Ay, does he not Well, you'll bring your 
 
 Hufband over. 
 
 Good, S, Over ! ay, Madam, or he fhall never come 
 over ^my Threfhold more, I can tell him but that. 
 
 Enter Drawer, 
 
 Draw, Sir, here's Goodman Mallet^ the Carpenter, en- 
 quires for you ; he fays you fent for him. 
 
 Lady, No, 1 fent for him in your Name ; he is a 
 
 filly Fellow, but no Matter for that ; he can do you great 
 
 Service ; humour him in all he fays, bring him up. 
 
 [Exit Drawer^ 
 
 Give him Money, if you can handfomely top it upon him ; 
 
 there's a hundred Guineas, when they are gone, you 
 
 lhall have more ! if you can get Mallefs Vote, he'll 
 
 bring you twenty at leaft. 
 
 Tick, My charming Woman,— - — you oblige me to be 
 for ever your's. [Kijfes her. 
 
 Lady, Come, Neighbour, let's retire, it may not be 
 proper for us to hear Goodman Mallefs Bufmefs,you know. 
 
 [Exit, 
 
 Good. G. No, no, no, no ; come, come, come, we'll 
 
 go. 
 
A Gotham EleSiion, 165 
 
 go, well go. Good Sir, your mofl humble Servant, Til 
 bring you Gregory Gabble^ I warrant you. {Exit. 
 
 Good S. And fo will I,, my Timothy Shallow^ fweet 
 'Squire. {Exit, 
 Enter Mallet. 
 
 Tick. Mr. Mallet^ your Servant. \Takes out 20 Gui- 
 neas, and plays with them on the Table as he talks. 
 Mall. Your humble Servant, Sir, pray what is your 
 Bufmefs with me ? 
 
 Tick. Come, fit down. Sir ; here, the Houfe. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 Draw. Did you call. Sir ? 
 
 Tick. Ay, what Wine do you drink, Mr. Mallet ? 
 
 Mall. 'Tis all one to me. Sir. 
 
 Tick. Then bring up a Bottle of French Red. 
 
 Draw. You fhall have it, Sir. {Exit, 
 
 Tick. Mr. Mallet^ there is a very honefl Gentleman 
 gives his Service to you, charg'd me to fee you, and gave 
 me a Token to drink with you. 
 
 Mall. Pray, who may that be ? 
 
 Tick. One Mr. Double. 
 
 Mall. Ha! M.2S\.^x Double. 
 
 Drawer within'] A Bottle of French Red in the Flower- 
 de-Luce. Score. 
 
 Enter with Bottle and Glafs. 
 
 Tick. Come, Mr. Mallet., Mr. Doublets Heath to you. 
 
 Mall. With all my Heart ; I have earned many a fair 
 
 Pound of him ; fome fays he^s an ill Pay-mafler, but 
 
 I won't fay fo ; for he paid me very honeflly, tho' I mufl 
 
 needs fay he's a little long winded. Sir, an you pleafe, 
 
 my Service to you, remembring Mafler Double. 
 
 Tick. Thank you, Mr. Mallet : well, how do you like 
 the Wine ? I think 'tis pretty good. {Drinks. 
 
 Mai. I think fo too. Sir ; but fecond Thoughts is 
 
 beft. 
 
 Tick. Right ; Come, here's to your Firefide, Mr. 
 
 Mallet., I fuppofe you are a marry'd Man. 
 
 Mai. Ay, Mafler, I have been marry'd thefe Five and 
 Twenty Years ; I have a Son's Wife lies in now. 
 
 Tick. 
 
i66 
 
 A Gotham E legion. 
 
 Tick, V\\ fland Godfather, if he be not better provided, 
 Mr. Mallet, 
 
 Tick. Sir, your humble Servant ; I dare fay he'll accept 
 your kind Offer, and thank you too. 
 
 Tick. Is he all the Children you have, Mr. Mallet} 
 
 Mai. No Sir, I have four Sons and three Daughters 
 in all, fine young Men and Women as any in the Parifh, 
 no Difpraife to the befl. My eldefl Son is a Lawyer, jufl 
 out of his Time, a fmart young Fellow, I promife you, 
 Sir ; My fecond I brought up to my own Trade, and he 
 is a very great Mafler of his Bufmefs, tho' I fay't, as any 
 is in all Gotha77i. My third Son is a Bookfeller, a notable 
 Fellow, he lives in London ; he is a kind of a Wit too, 
 they fay, and makes Verfes : Then he has an admirable 
 Knack at quacking Titles. Perhaps you may know what 
 that is. Sir ; but for my Part, I do not, I confefs, under- 
 fland it ; but they tell me, when he gets an old good for 
 nothing Book, he claps a new Title to it, and fells off the 
 whole Impreffion in a Week. 
 
 Tick. ^Tis a good Way of impofmg on the Publick, 
 why he'll be a rich Fellow in a fliort Time ? 
 
 Mai. Ay, fo they fay ; but my youngefl Lad troubles me 
 mofl of all. 
 
 Tick. How fo, pray ? 
 
 Mai. Why you muft know, Sir, he is a main weakly 
 Boy ; he had the Rickets till he was feven Years old, 
 which took away his Strength, and hugely dulPd his Me- 
 mory, fo that he's dull, very dull, Sir ; I can't think 
 what to breed him up to, that don't require much Strength 
 of Body, nor Application of Mind : His Mother is for 
 making him a Parfon, but the Rogue won't hear on't. 
 
 Tick. Oh, Mr. Mallet I by your Defcription, he is very 
 unfit for a Parfon. 
 
 Mai. Why fo I tell her. Sir ; and, in my Opinion, we 
 had better get him a Place at Court. 
 
 Tick. Ay, there indeed you are in the right ; I don't 
 know but I may be able to ferve you there, if you'd en- 
 deavour to put it in my Power. 
 
 Mai. As how. pray ? 
 
 Tick. Why, Sir, you mufl know, I fland one of the 
 Candidates for this Borough of Gotham ; and if you'll be 
 fo kind to give me your own Vote, and engage your 
 
 Friends 
 
A Gotham Eleflion. 167 
 
 Friends to do the fame, TU take care of your Son, I pro- 
 mife you. 
 
 Mai. Pray what may your Name be, Sir? 
 Tick. My Name is Tickup^ Sir. 
 
 MaL Tickiip ! Ah, Sir, you lofe it for a Wager with 
 you. 
 
 Tick. Why do you think fo 
 
 MaL Why, Sir, our Town has an Averfion for the Fa- 
 mily of the Tickiips ; it is a Name very much hated, I af- 
 fure you, an I might advife you, Fd change it into Ready 
 Cajh, ha, ha. 
 
 Tick. You are witty upon my Name, Mr. Mallet, but 
 no Matter for that : what will you lay I don't carry it ? 
 Fll hold you twenty Guineas to one I do, and you fhall 
 hold Stakes. 
 
 MaL By Mefs, Fll take this Wager, if I never hold an- 
 other, done, Sir. 
 
 Tick, Done ; there, there's twenty Guineas. [Pujhes 
 
 ^e7n to him. 
 
 MaL Well, if I fhould lofe my Guinea, Mr. Tickup^ 
 you'll remember a Place for my Son. 
 
 Tick. That I will indeed, Mr. Mallet ; but then you 
 mufl not vote againft me. 
 
 MaL No, no, that I won't, I promife you ; but an I 
 engage my Friends, you mull: promife to do a Kindnefs or 
 two more for me. 
 
 Tick. Name 'em, and command me. 
 
 MaL Why cou'd not you now get my Son, the Lawyer, 
 made Lord Chancellor, think you 1 
 
 Tick. Can't ! Yes, and will too. 
 
 MaL Will ye ? Ay, pray you do — an, an, hold, hold, 
 I have the Names of all the great Places in a Bit o'Paper 
 
 fomewhere, if I find 'em, but 1 took 'em out of the 
 
 prefent State of Gotham^ ho ! here, here it is Ay, 
 
 let me fee, yes, yes, — Lord Steward, ay, Lord Stew- 
 ard ! ay, that's a very pretty Poft ; that, d'you mark me, 
 I wou'd have for my Son Ned — the Carpenter, he under- 
 flands how to keep the Houfe in good Repair — and that's 
 a main Matter you know ; his Majefty need give himfelf 
 no Manner of Trouble. 
 
 Tick. Oh, that will be a very great Advantage ; well, 
 Fll take care about that too. 
 
 MaL 
 
A Gotham Ele£lion. 
 
 MaL And the Bookfeller, Td have him de ze 
 
 ho ! rd have him Groom of the Stole. 
 
 Tick, There you are perfediy right, becaufe he will 
 have an Opportunity to make Ufe of his Verfes. 
 
 MaL Then for my youngefl Son ! What mun he be ? 
 Why, what an you Ihould make him Treafurer now ! for 
 the Rogue always lov'd Money. And for my Daughters 
 — I fancy they would do rarely well for the Queen's Maids 
 of Honour. 
 
 Tick. Oh, excellently well all this I promife you. 
 
 MaL Do you truly? Well, you are a huge civil 
 
 Gentleman, and fo my humble Service to yo — Well, Til 
 
 fay no more but an I do not bring you twenty Votes, 
 
 my Name's not Mallet^ d'ye fee, that's all, that's all — and 
 fo, Sir, your Servant, with all my Heart, {going) Hold ! 
 one Thing more I mufl defire of you — I have an own 
 
 Coufm, that is a Sailor fuppofe now you fhould 
 
 make him fomewhat — an Admiral — or a Boatfwain, or fo 
 d'ye fee ? 
 
 Tick. He fhall be one of them, I promife you. 
 
 MaL Shall he in troth ? — well, good bye to you, and 
 thank you kindly. [ going. 
 
 Tick. Mr. Mallet^ your humble Servant, oh, the 
 
 Devil ! 
 
 MaL Methinks I love to do Good in my Generation ; 
 tho' to fay Truth, the gracelefs Dog does not deferve it ; 
 but no matter — as long as you can have it for fpeaking 
 for, you know 
 
 Tick. What is it ? Death, this Fellow would tire a 
 Porter. 
 
 MaL I have a Nephew fomewhere or other, his Name 
 is Sam Slajk, a Soldier ; pray enquire him out, wol you, 
 and make him — ay, make a Corporal, or a Colonel, or 
 fomewhat of that, now. 
 
 Tick. Well, well, this I promife you. Have you any 
 Thing elefe ? 
 
 MaL No, no, I won't trouble you any more, not I — 
 your Servant. [going. 
 
 Tick. Give me leave to wait of you down. 
 
 MaL Odfo ! I had forgot my Wife Joan, well thought 
 on I'faith — fhe would never have forgiven me, if I had 
 
 not remember'd her Joan mufl have fomewhat, Mr. 
 
 Tickupj 
 
A Gotham EleBion. 
 
 169 
 
 Tickup^ what can Joan have now, think ; pray think a 
 little for her. 
 
 Tick. Let me fee — why, fuppofe fhe were made Oyfler- 
 Cracker to the Court now. 
 
 Mai. Oyfler-Cracker ! I don't remember any fuch Poll 
 in my Lift 
 
 Tick. Oh ! never trouble your Head about that, there 
 • s, or fhall be fuch a Pofl. 
 
 Mai. Shall there ! well, well, that will do then— but, 
 but, but, I doubt Joan will never be content to live at 
 
 Court without me Can't you contrive fome fmall Place 
 
 for me too Any thing will ferve me — Pll be fatisfy'd 
 
 with being Lord-Mayor ; I am very modefl in my Re- 
 quefls, you fee ? 
 
 Tick. Modefl, quotha ! ha, ha, well, well, you fhall be 
 Lord- Mayor. 
 
 Mai. Well, well, that's enough — will you believe me, 
 Mr. Tickup ? 1 really love my P>iends as well as myfelf — 
 why here's an honefl Pot- Companion of mine, Barnaby 
 Bran, the Baker ; methinks I would fain make his Fortune 
 too ; can you think of nothing for him ? 
 
 Tick. Honefl Barnaby Bran, the Baker ! I have a rare 
 Place for him. 
 
 MaL Have you really now ! What is it, pray } 
 
 Tick. Why, he fhall be Mafter of the Rolls. 
 
 MaL He will be main thankful. What, is it a Patent 
 Place 1 
 
 Tick. Yes, yes ; a Patent Place. 
 Mai. And have you any Thing for his Wife ? 
 Tick. His Wife, ay, fhe fhall have Pattins too. 
 Mai. Od, that will pleafe her Hufband mainly. 
 Tick. Ay, fhe has been a Clogg to him a great while, 
 no Doubt on't. [A/cde, 
 Mai. Well, honefl 'Squire, your humble Servant. 
 
 \_Exit 
 
 Tick. I'm glad I'm rid of him ; blefs me, if it were in 
 my Power now to keep my Word, what a prodigious 
 
 Company this Fellow has provided fori but thanks to 
 
 Policy, a Man is not always oblig'd to keep his Word : 
 
 The Courtier, Politician, and the Beau, 
 What^er you ajk, will never anfwer, No : 
 
 H Btit 
 
I70 
 
 A Gotham Eleflton. 
 
 But clofely preji, you'll fiitd their whole Proceedin^^ 
 To be no more nor le/s, thaii pure good Breeding, [Exit. 
 
 SCENE changes to the Mayor's Houfe, 
 
 E7ieer Mayor with a Letter in his Hand, 
 Friendly dre/s'd like a Frenchman. 
 
 May. Well, and how does all our Friends on together 
 Side the Water, ha? Well, I hope. 
 
 Friend, OYifort bien^ Monfieur May or ^ and Monfieur le 
 Chevalier, be varey much your humble Serviteur, Begar. 
 
 May. I om very much his, I am fure — Come, Monfieur, 
 to the Fatherlefs and Widow. {Drinks, 
 
 Friend, Vid all mine Heart, dat every Man may have 
 his own, Begar. {Drinks, 
 
 May, Amen, I fay but I muft desire you, Monfieur, 
 
 to explain the Letter to me ? My Daughter tells me it is 
 not EiiglifJt. 
 
 Friend, No, dis be Frejtch, Sir. 
 
 May, French I what has my Son learn'd-Fr^;^<:^ already ? 
 
 ■ But what makes him write French to me, when he 
 
 knows that I can neither write nor read it and that no 
 
 Body underftands a Word of French in the Parifh. 
 
 Friend. Oh, for dat very Reafon he did write in French.^ 
 becaufe it be one great Secret, and he knows me to be de 
 very fedelle Perfonne, in whom de grand Monarchs in dis 
 Vorld put a der Confidance : You underfland a me, 
 Monfieur.'* 
 
 May, Yes, yes ; Oh Bleffings on my Boy, he will cer- 
 tainly raife his P^amily? a Secret ! pray read it foftly. 
 
 Friend, Oh foftly, by all Means. Firfl, den, he tell 
 
 you here, dat de Knight of de Dragon give his mofl hum- 
 ble Service to you, and prays you to take a de care to 
 make de good Members for him. 
 
 May: Ay, ay, I will do all that in me lies. 
 
 Friend, And for dat Purpofe, you fhall receive one, 
 two, three hundred Pifloles, in one, two, three Days 
 ma foy. 
 
 May, Ver>' well, very well ; pray let him know, 
 
 that the lafl Money, that was remitted, has been pru- 
 dently employed for the Chevalier's Service : Our Parfon 
 Blow-Coal is right flanch ; he distributed it, with a flricfb 
 
 Charge 
 
A Gotham Eleciion. 
 
 171 
 
 Charge to have Regard to the Church ; the Noife of the 
 Church, you know, does much, Monfieur ?^ My Bro- 
 ther, Alderman Credulous, had two hundred Pounds. 
 Friend. Humph ; well f aid Parfon ; this Newsfhallto 
 Roger Trujiy. {A/ide.) Ha, ha, ha, Begar, dat will do 
 de Bufmefs ; de Cry of de Church will bring in de King 
 par blue ; but one ting more, Monfieur Afi^j^^r, he fay here 
 in dis Letter, dat de Knight of de Dragon charge you 
 
 right or wrong, to return de vat do you call 'em de 
 
 High-Church. 
 
 May. Ay, ay, that he may depend on ; oh, my dear 
 Boy ! And what is my Boy a Favourite abroad, ha ? 
 
 Friend. Oh, a great Favourite, I affureyou — Den here 
 
 be one ting more ; he prays you to fend by me his 
 
 Sifler for de Education, becaufe it be whifper'd, dat if 
 
 defe plaguey Low-Church get de Day, — dey vill make it 
 Treafon for any one to fend der Children to France^ Be- 
 gar ; no, dey vill fend dem for Education to Scotland, and 
 bring all de young Ladies to the Stool of Repentance, ma 
 foy. 
 
 May. Zounds, I'd fend mine to Lapland fooner, tho' I 
 am a Proteflant myfelf, becaufe I was born fo d'ye fee ; 
 yet I had rather breed my Children at Rome, than Geneva ; 
 Zounds I hate thefe Whiggifh Dogs. 
 
 Friend. Begar de Pope no love to them neither ; dey be 
 dam Fellows for de Liberty and Property ; but your 
 Daughter, your Daughter, Monfieur Mayor 
 
 May, She fhall along with you, Monfieur her Aunt 
 
 left her five thoufand Pounds ; 1 wifh you could per- 
 
 fuade her to turn Nun ; one Thoufand would provide for 
 her in the Nunnery — and the other four would make my 
 Son a Lord. 
 
 Friend. Oh let de Priefl get her once, and begar he vill 
 make her fomething, I warrant you. 
 
 May. But v/hich Way fhall I get her over, fhe'll never 
 confent to leave England ; for you mufl know ftie is 
 plaguey low in her Principles ? 
 
 Friend. Me tell you one Politick 'tis vine Ve- 
 
 der ! Afk her to go vid you and me to fee de Ship dat 
 bring me hither, and ven fhe be in de Ship vid me, fome 
 Body mufl flop your going up de Ship, and tell you dat 
 Day came an Exprefs for you upon de grand Bufinefs of 
 H 2 de 
 
172 Gotham Ele6lion. 
 
 de Nation, ma Foy ; fo you leave us, vid de Promife to 
 
 return prefently; fo as foon as you be gon, me make 
 
 a de Mafler hoifl a Sail, and away for Calais^ Begar. 
 
 May. Excellent Contrivance ! — we'll about it this Mo- 
 ment. 1 can but laugh to think how I fhall choufe the 
 
 young Jade into her Happinefs. 
 
 Friend, And I can but laugh to think how you'll be 
 chous'd out of your Daughter, if Luck favours me. 
 
 \_Afide. 
 
 May, And pray tell my Son, I'll obferve his Diredlion, 
 my Clerk fhall fit up all this Night to write Con- 
 veyances ; I'll make twenty Freeholders before Morn- 
 ing yet. 
 
 Friend. As how, pray, Monfieur Mayor t 
 
 May. Oh, we have Ways and Means : Why, I'll 
 
 undertake, d'ye fee, to make four Votes out of a Goofe- 
 
 berry-Bufh, and fix out of a Hog's-Sty 
 
 F7^ie7td. Begar dofe be de very fweet Votes. [Exit, 
 
 SCENE changes to the Street, 
 
 A Cobler at work in his Stall under an Ale-hou/e, 
 Enter Mr, Tickup. 
 
 Tick. Speed your Work, Friend, your Trade depends 
 upon good Hufbandry. 
 
 Cob. Ay, Mafler, zo't does, as you zay ; but I make 
 new Shoes fometimes, as well as mend old ones. 
 
 Tick. Say you fo ! why you fhall be my Shoe-maker — 
 if you'll do me a fmall Kindnefs. 
 
 Cob. {Getting up ^ with Cap in Ha7td.) What is it Maf- 
 ter ? to put a Stitch in your Shoe, I warrant you ? 
 
 Tick, No, only to give me your Vote, that's all. 
 
 Cob. {Sits down to work again.) All, quotha ! why 
 that's all many a Man has to live on ; at this Time, a 
 fmall Kindnefs ! Ha, ha, ha, it is a fmall Kindnefs, truly. 
 
 Tick. What fay you, Friend, will you ? 
 
 Cob. I don't know, I believe not. 
 
 Tick. Why, fo, pray you ? 
 
 Cob. I can't tell, mehap I may ; mehap I may 
 
 not, d'ye fee. 
 
 Tick. Have you promis'd any body elfe ? 
 
 Cob. Suppofe I have, fuppofe I have not, what 
 
 then 1 
 
A Gotham EleSlion. 
 
 173 
 
 then ? Look ye, my Vote's as good as the befl Man's i^th^ 
 Parifh, or next Parifh to't, that's a proud Word d'ye zee ; 
 and I will take care who I gin to, zo I wol. 
 
 Tick. Nay, you are in the Right of that ; but no Man 
 fhall do more for the Corporation than myfelf. 
 
 Cob. Ay, ay, you all talk it well affore you get in ; 
 
 but you are no fooner chofe in, but whip you are as 
 proud as the Devil, zo you are, and a Man can't fpeak 
 Truth, but you come with your Candelum Natum zous 
 upon us. 
 
 Tick. Pride is the leaft Sign of a Gentleman, and I 
 don't know if I fhould not rather be calFd Rogue, than a 
 proud Man. 
 
 Cob. And mehap he would not lie that call'd you both, 
 ha, ha. 
 
 Tick, I am forry you Ihould have fo ill an Opinion of 
 me. 
 
 Cob. Why are you not proud, now ? 
 
 Tick. I think I may fafely fay I am not. 
 
 Cob. Why then come and kifs me. 
 
 Tick. With all my Heart. [kij'es him. 
 
 Well, what think you now ? will you give me your 
 Vote yet. 
 
 Cob. Look ye, vare and zoftly, — I am not throwly za- 
 tisfyM, whether I fhall give you my Vote or not. 
 
 Tick. I am forry for that but if you'll go to the Tav- 
 ern, I'll give you a Pint of Wine, whether you'll give me 
 your Vote or not, for I like you for your Bluntnefs. 
 
 Cob. I dan't value your Wine of this Hog's Brillle, 
 
 d'ye zee ; 1 am an honeft Man, d'ye zee and am 
 
 vor a vree Government ; I'm none of thofe that are to 
 
 be brib'd now an you are not proud, d'ye zee why 
 
 come into my Stall, here, and I'll give you a Flaggon of 
 Ale. 
 
 Tick. Oh, the Devil, that will dirty all my Cloaths ; 
 {A/ide.) Had not we better go into the Ale-Houfe 
 
 Cob. Look ye there now, did I not zay you was proud ? 
 No, Sir, I wont leave my Stall ; thofe that are afham'd 
 of me — why I am afham'd of them, d'ye zee, that's all. 
 
 [Sings and fnarks. 
 Tick. A Pox of the unpolifh'd Blockhead, I muft hu- 
 mour him. [Gathers up his Cloaths, and goes in. 
 
 H 3 Nay, 
 
1 74 ^Gotham E legion. 
 
 Nay, nay, don't be angry 1 only faid it, to fave you 
 
 the Trouble of going for the Ale, that^s all. 
 
 Cob, Oh, I have a Conveniency for that. {Whijiles, 
 
 and the Boy enters. 
 Look you there, Sir ; Sirrah, bring me a Pot of hum- 
 ming Ale, dc you hear what are you afraid of your 
 
 Cloaths ? Zblead, fit down, mun, tho' I'm a poor Fellow, 
 I've zitten by as good as you affore now, mun. 
 
 [Pulls him down rudely. 
 
 Enter Boy with Drink on one Side, and Tolefree, the 
 Miller, on f other. 
 
 Tick, Ay, ay, Friend, who doubts it. 
 
 Tole. Hark ye, Neighbour Laji, will, you never have 
 done cobling my Shoes ? 
 
 Cob, Oh, Neighbour Tolefree, you come in the Nick ; 
 why here's Neighbour Tolefree has a Vote too, and he'll 
 give it ye. • • 
 
 Tick. I fhall be much oblig'd to him, if he will, pray 
 drink to him. 
 
 Cob. By and by, let his Betters be ferv'd before him, 
 
 my Service to you, Sir -come in, Neighbour Tolefree 
 
 — come, we'll make you Room. ^ [Drinks. 
 
 Tole. With all my Heart. [Gets on the other Side Tickup. 
 
 Tick. I wifh the Devil had them both what a fine 
 
 Pickle I fhall be in, pray have a Care of my Cloaths. 
 
 Cob. Cloaths, nay, I hope I am a better , Common- 
 wealths-Man than to mind Cloaths ; fit clofe, Neighbour 
 Tolefree, or you'll thrufl me off the Form. . [The Miller 
 hitches upon Tickup, and makes his 
 ' Cloaths all while. 
 
 Tick, Thefe Dogs have a Defign upon me, I wifh I was 
 fairly out ; Death, what a Coat is here 1 [Aftde, 
 
 Tole. Come, come put about the Pot. 
 
 Tick. My Service to you, Sir, {drinks) the King's 
 Health 
 
 Cob, I love the King — and fo kifs me agen. [Claps his 
 Hands on his Cheeks, and pulls him to kifs 
 him, and leaves them all black. 
 Tick, Confound the RafcaJ. ! how his Breath flinks — 
 Well, what fay you now, Gentlemen, will you both give 
 me your Votes 1 
 
 Tole, 
 
A Gotham Elefiion. 
 
 175 
 
 Tole. Give you my Vote ! that will bring no Grift to 
 my Mill, d'ye fee. 
 
 Cob, Get out and walk before my Door, now, two or 
 three Turns, and I'll tell you more of my Mind. 
 
 Tick. Death, he'll make me jump over a ftick by and 
 
 Well, what fay you now ? 
 
 Tole, You have a plaguy Hitch in your Pace, you learnt 
 to dance of some Frenchjnan, I'm certain. 
 
 Cob. Ha, ha, ha, ha, I think that you'd think me a 
 Fool, if I ftiould give you my Vote, now. 
 Tick. How fo, pray 1 
 
 Cob. How fo ! ha, ha, ha, you that are a fine bred Gen- 
 tleman, here d'ye fee yet can ftoop fo low, as to kifs, 
 
 and humour fuch a dirty Fellow as I am, purely to buy 
 
 my Vote 1 dan't know, d'ye zee, but for a good 
 
 round Sum you might be prevail'd upon to zell my Coun- 
 try, ha, ha, ha, ha : Look ye, I da't like you comming 
 Sparks you ftiou'd be a little more coy, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Tick. You are merry. Friend. 
 
 Cob. Not fo merry as you think for, mehaps ^but 
 
 Vriend me no Vriend, go troop. Nouns, he looks like a 
 Jefuit, does he not, Neighbour Tolefree? 
 
 Tole. Pull off his Whore's Hair, and ze an he has not 
 a bald Crown. 
 
 Tick. The Devil ! they'll ftrip me by and by, I had 
 as good walk off, for thefe are both damn'd Whigs ^ I find 
 that. 
 
 Cob. Ha, ha, he's gone ! an he be not a plaguey High 
 Boy, I'm miftaken. Come Neighbour Tolefree, you and 
 I will take a Pot of Ale together, to Sir John Worthy^ 
 Health, you'll vote for him, wol you not 1 
 
 Tole. Yes, that I wol for all my Lady has been tam- 
 pering with my Wife Margery, and has given her a vine 
 
 Silk Gown, and a huge high Head but I drefs'd my 
 
 Dame's Jacket for her, and made her carry 'em agen ; ods- 
 flesh, we fhould have rare Times, an we were to be rul'd 
 by our Wives, you know, ha, ha. \Exit. 
 
 Alderman. Ha, ha, ha, I can but laugh to think how 
 
 by. 
 
 [Gets out and walks. 
 
 Enter Alderman Credulous. 
 
 H 4 
 
 my 
 
A Gotham Elefiion. 
 
 my Wife's Brother, the Mayor, has over-reached his 
 Daughter. 
 
 Sir Roger. Mr. Alderman Creduloiis I your mofl humble 
 Servant, Sir, Tm glad to fee you fo merry ; pray what 
 may be the Occafion ? 
 
 Aid. Family Affairs, Sir Roger ; my Brother has dif- 
 
 pos'd of his Daughter r-that's all. 
 
 Sir Rog. Humph ! not as he expedied ; tho' I believe, 
 
 Aid. Ay, ay, Sir Roger, we Fathers know what's good 
 for our Children, better than they do themfelves ; they 
 have nought to do but to fubmit to our Pleafures ; paffive 
 Obedience is as abfolutely neceffary in our Wives and 
 Children, as in Subjedis to the Monarch ; is not your 
 Opinion the fame. Sir Roger ? 
 
 Sir Rog. Yes, whilft Huf bands, Fathers and Monarchs 
 exa6l nothing from us, contrary to our Religion and Laws : 
 But pray, Mr. Alderman, how came you fo paffive ? I re- 
 member you wore other Principles in Eighty Eight — this 
 is not natural. Alderman. 
 
 Aid. Eighty Eight ! that's a long Time ago ; I know 
 fome Men that have worn out twenty Sets of Principles 
 fmce Eighty Eight, both Men of the Robe, and Men of 
 the Gown. 
 
 Sir Rog. More the Pity, Alderman^ I am forry Nature 
 did not diflinguifh Men of fuch Principles from the reft 
 of her Handy work, that we might enjoy her Gifts more 
 amply, and be more thankful for the Bleffing. When I 
 refledl that I am of the same Species with the Betrayers 
 of my Country (for fure that Crime is the greateft of all 
 others) I could almoft wifh to wear any other Form of the 
 Creation. Life is a Bleffmg, or a Curfe, according to the 
 Fame we purchafe, and he that redeems twenty of his 
 Fellow Creatures from the flavifh Yoke of Tyrrany, does 
 an Acflion worthy of a Man that bears the Image of his 
 Creator, whilft he who feeks by Treachery to inflave his 
 Kind, to feed Ambition, Avarice, or Revenge, is only 
 the Peft of human Society, and ought to have a Mark 
 fet upon him, that we might fhun him as we would the 
 
 Enter Sir Roger Trufty. 
 
 for her Advantage, I hope. 
 
 S^Afcde, 
 
 Plague. 
 
 Aid. 
 
A Gotham EleSlion. 
 
 177 
 
 Aid, Ay, ay, fo it ought to be, Sir Roger ; but I have 
 read fomewhere, 
 
 Nat2ire to Man^s Breajl has 7nade no Window 
 To JJiow us what they a^ within Doors, 
 For my Part, I am for the Church, and my Country. 
 
 Sir Rog, So am I ; their Interefls are infeparable ; who 
 gives up one, betrays the other : For my Part, I intend 
 to (land or fall by both ; therefore I hope you'll do me the 
 Honour of your Vote, Mr. Alderman, 
 
 Aid. Why truly, Sir Roger, I am pre-engag'd, I won't 
 tell a Lie for the Matter. 
 
 Sir Rog. To who pray 1 
 
 Aid. Why to Squire Tickup. 
 
 Sir Rog. Tickup I Why he's a Fellow not worth a Groat, 
 and a known yacobite. 
 
 Aid. Nay, look ye as to that, his Means and his Reli- 
 gion is nothing to me ; let his Creditors take care of one, 
 and our Parfon o'th' t'other ; for my Part, I'm for the 
 Church, as I faid before, and would rather be a Papifl than 
 a Prefbyterian. 
 
 Sir Rog. Why where's the Neceffity of your being 
 either? Come, come, there's a more convincing Argument 
 than what you have nam'd — Mr. Tickup is recommended 
 by fome great Man on whom you have Dependance. 
 
 Aid, Great Man ! Why yes, truly, he is a pretty large 
 Man ; and I have, I trufl Heaven, very great Dependance 
 on what he fays : The Parfon of the Parifh, you know^ 
 ought to be regarded. Sir Roger, and he told me that Mr. 
 Tickup was a good Churchman, and pray'd me to vote for 
 him, and to get all my Friends to do the fame, if I would 
 promote the Interefl of the Church. 
 
 Sir Rog, Ay, the Interefl of the Church of Rome, not 
 that of Engla7id ; why I'll undertake to prove this Fellow 
 deep in the Intereft of young Perkin, and that he and his 
 P>iend at Villa Comnbe, has bought up, and fent for his 
 Service, more than two thoufand Horfes within thefe lafl 
 four Years ; and can fuch a Man be a proper Perfon to 
 reprefent you in that augufl Affembly, where the People of 
 Gotham expedl to have thefe pernicious Meafures redrefl ? 
 
 Aid. Why I am confounded at what you tell me. 
 
 Sir Rog. I am amaz'd to find you in the Interefl of the 
 High- Boys, you that are a Clothier ! W^hat, can you be 
 VOL. III. H 5 for 
 
178 -^Gotham Eleflion. 
 
 for giving up Trade to Fra7ice^ and flarving poor Wea- 
 vers ? 
 
 Aid. Trade, pifh, pifh, our Parfon fays that's only the 
 Whig's Cant, and that if the Bill of Commerce had pafs'd, 
 it wou'd have been of fignal Service to us. 
 
 Sir Rog. Which Way, I pray, Alderman ? 
 
 Aid. Nay, I never afk'd him that ; tho' not doubt but 
 he can tell you, for he is a learned Man, and underflands 
 Matters better than I do. 
 
 Sir Rog. It is much to be wifh'd for the Honour of our 
 Religion, and the Safety of our State, that thofe learned 
 Men were more induflrious in the Cure of Souls, and lefs 
 
 bufy in Politicks But come, come, Mr. Aldermany 
 
 there is yet a Secret behind the Curtain ; pray what cou'd 
 Mr. Tickup^ or any of his Friends oblige you with, that 
 is not in my Power to have done ? — You and I have been 
 good Friends, and if a Brace of Hundreds had been 
 wanting — v/hy, we could have ferv'd you as well as they. 
 
 Aid. So, fo, I find whereabouts you are already. Well, 
 there is nothing kept a Secret in this damn'd Town. 
 However, I had not thofe two hundred Pounds by Way of 
 Bribe, I affure you, Sir Roger, 
 
 Sir Rog. Ha, ha, why then you had two hundred 
 Pounds ? 
 
 Aid. Yes, I confefs, Mr. Blow coal our Parfon did give 
 me Bills for two hundred Pounds, part of a Sum, he faid, 
 that was given him for charitable Ufes, and bade me dif- 
 pofe of it to proper Objedls, as I thought fit, but not to 
 bribe Votes, I affure you. 
 
 Sir Rog. No, no, no, no, 'twas to build Churches, I 
 fuppofe, and reward fecret Merit, ha, ha, ha, ha ; but I 
 am forry, for your Sake, that they made their Payment 
 
 in Paper : Pray let me fee thofe Bills who 
 
 are they upon 1 
 
 Aid. See them ! Ay there they are. Sir Roger, 
 
 \Gives him Bills. 
 
 Sir Rog. {Looks on ^e^n.) Upon Sir Charles Wealthy I 
 
 As I fufpecSled : Why he is a Bankrupt, not worth a 
 
 Groat, ha, ha, ha ; why you are bit. Alderman, Blow- 
 coal has bit you, ha, ha, ha ; Charity, quotha ! Yes, this 
 is Charity with a Vengeance. 
 
 Aid. 
 
A Gotham E legion. 
 
 179 
 
 Aid, How ! Am I tricked? But you are not in Earnell, 
 Sir Roger, are you ? 
 
 Sir Bog, As certainly as that I myfelf lofl five hundred 
 Pounds by the fame Banker : I tell you, Sir Charles 
 Wealthy has been gone off this Month. 
 
 Aid, The Devil he has ? Odfheart, I am finely fervid ; 
 why, Fm out of Pocket the Lord knows what : Death ! I 
 fhall lofe all Patience ! 
 
 Sir Rog, Look ye, Mr. Alderinan, if you'll yet hear 
 Reafon, Til make up all this Matter ; fee here, (pulls out 
 a Pur/e) here's two hundred Guineas in this Purfe ; all 
 ready Cafh, hang Paper; here's the best Provifion for 
 charitable Ufes. — Mr. Alderman\ hark how religioufly 
 they chink ; what fay you ? Come, for once, ferve yourfelf 
 and your Country, old Boy. 
 
 Aid, But you are fure thofe Bills are not worth a Far- 
 thing, Sir Roger 1 {Sir Roger claps the Bills into his 
 Pockets, and takes out fo7ne Papers, 
 and tears ^em in fjnall Pieces, 
 
 Sir Rog. Sure on't, aye, as fure as I am that my Name 
 
 is Rogef Trujiy ; and thus I facrifice them to your 
 
 Refentment, Mr. Alderman, and now 
 
 Aid. Death, Hell, and the Devil, I'm undone 
 
 but if I'm not reveng'd. 
 
 Sir Rog, {Plays with the Purfe ^ It was a curfed Trick 
 indeed to affront an Alderman of a Corporation at this 
 Rate. 
 
 Aid, Give me the Purfe ; {Sir Roger /laps it into his 
 Hand) and now, Sir Roger^ I am yours ; if I do not fit 
 
 Parfon Blow coal, fay I am the Son of a dead Cinder. 
 
 I'll bring fixteen Votes, Sir Roger ; egad I'll over- reach 
 the Rogues, I warrant em : This Purfe is a Pledge for 
 my Performance. \Exit. 
 
 Sir Rog, And thefe Bills a Pledge for that Purfe. Ha, 
 ha, ha, {takes out the Bills) I'll fend my Servant to re- 
 ceive the Money immediately ; I think I have paid them 
 in their own Coin. 
 
 In this at lafl we have the Advantage got, 
 We give the Ti^eat, but they Jhall pay the Shot, 
 
 SCENE Mallet'j- Son's Houfe, 
 
 Mallet, his Son, Lady Worthy, 6^^7<^'<^ Gabble, (S^^^^^'/j/ Shal- 
 low, 
 
i8o 
 
 A Gotham Ele£lion. 
 
 low, Sly and his Wife, and Midwife with the Child ; 
 feveral Men and Wo7nen drinking, as at a ChrifVning, 
 a Quaker filling Wine, and a Fidler playing. 
 
 Enter Tickup. 
 
 Mallet, We began to defpair of your Company, Sir, 
 
 we have Chriflened the Child but we got one to fland 
 
 in your Place, 'Squire. 
 
 Tick, Very well, I'll take the Charge upon me. 
 
 Midwife, {Prefenting the Child) Here's your Godfon, 
 Sir, a fine thumping Boy, he is almofl big enough to afk 
 your Bleffmg. 
 
 Tick, A fine Child, indeed {fie takes the Child and 
 
 kiffes it, and gives it a Silver Cup) Here, Sirrah, here's 
 a Cup for you, and be fure you drink my Health out of it 
 
 as foon as you can fpeak, do you hear Which is the 
 
 Father ? 
 
 Mai, This is my Son, 'Squire. 
 
 Sofi, Sir, you do me much Honour. 
 
 Tick, Sir, I wifh you much Joy of my Godfon, — and 
 may your good Lady bring you every Year fuch another. 
 Well, which are the Godmothers ? that I may difcharge 
 my Duty. 
 
 Goody Sly, Why, I am one, for want of a better. Sir. 
 
 Tick, Say you fo ! Have at you then. [^Kiffes her, 
 
 G, Gab. And I'm t'other, fweet 'Squire. 
 
 Tick, Goody Gabble ; {kiffes her) nay, I'm to go round, 
 
 • and you too, Mrs. Midnight ; kifs me, you old Jade 
 
 you 
 
 Mid. Well, well, you Gentlemen are very happy at 
 
 Midnight, fometimes Old Jade ! Not fo old neither, 
 
 but I can have a Civility done me by as fine a Gentleman 
 as your 'Squire's Worfhip, I'd have you to know. 
 
 Tick, P'fhaw, who difputes that ? — Old Jade is my fa- 
 vourite Name ; you mufl know, egad, I love an old Wo- 
 man 1 would not give a Fig for your green Girls, not I. 
 
 G, Sly. Ah, you are a merry Gentlemon He has a 
 
 Breath as fweet as a Cow he kiffes rarely well Ro- 
 
 qer, you fhall give this Gentleman your Vote, Roger, 
 
 {Afde to her Hufband, 
 Roger, So, he has tickled her Fancy already, 
 
 G, Sly, 
 
A Gotham EleH-ion. 
 
 i8i 
 
 G, Sly, I fancy you are a rare Dancer, 'Squire ; pray 
 will you give us a Jigg ? 
 
 Tick. A Jigg ! Ay, with all my Heart, if you'll dance 
 with me. Dame. 
 
 G, Sly, A lack, 'Squire, I can't dance, 'Squire. 
 
 Tick, I warrant thee, Dame : Come, flrike up, 
 
 Fidler. [He kijfes her, 
 
 G, Sly, Nay, fure I fhall not be able to do it with fuch 
 a vine Gentleman as you. {They dance, 
 
 Roger, {Goes up to his Wife), Get home, you Beaft, you, 
 wol ye ? A Plague o' your jigging, will you ne'er ha jig- 
 ging enough 1 
 
 Tick, I hope you are not angry ! Rather than difoblige 
 you, I'll kifs your Wife no more. 
 
 G, Sly. Look ye there now, Roger you are always 
 
 doing Mifchief, fo you are. 
 
 Lady. An't you afham'd of yourfelf, Roger 
 
 Roger, Afham'd of myfelf ; vor what, 1 tro 1 
 
 Lady. Methinks you fhou'd take it as an Honour. 
 
 Roger, What, vor him to lie with my Wife ! Look ye. 
 Madam, you may keep that Honour for Sir yohn^ an you 
 woll. 
 
 Lady. You fancy impudent Rafcal ! Who do you talk 
 to, Sirrah ? 
 
 G. Gab. Fye, Neighbour Sly^ you ufe my Lady like a 
 common Woman, fo you do. 
 
 Roger, If fhe's as common as thofe that take her Part, 
 I'm fure fhe's common enough. 
 
 G, Gab, Meaning me, Sirrah I'll make you prove 
 
 your Words, you Rogue you : Why Gregory^ Gregory 
 
 Gabble^ I fay — do you hear what this Rogue Sly fays 1 
 
 [Gregory is kiffcng a Wo7nan, 
 See, fee, the Villian is minding his Pleafures, when he 
 fhould be vindicating his Wife ; — but I'll fwinge 3^ou, — 
 I'll cool your Courage when I get you at home, I will 
 fo \Clappi7tg her Hands, 
 
 Lady, This Rafcal, Sly^ was againfl the Peace, I re- 
 member it well and I'll have you hang'd for't, I will, 
 
 you Pantile Monfler. 
 
 Roger. Nay, when fuch as you talk of Peace, we know 
 the Devil is beating up for Volunteers, ha, ha. 
 
 Tick, Prithee, my dear Life, don't put thyfelf into a 
 
 Paffion. 
 
l82 
 
 A Gotham Eleflion. 
 
 Paffion. Mr. Sly^ I afk your Pardon, if I have given 
 
 you any Offence. 
 
 Roger, I am no Pope, Sir ; but I ha done. 
 
 Mai. Why thaf s well faid — —my Neighbour Sl/s an 
 honefl Man, he takes nothing ill, Pll fay that for him. 
 Pray, Mr. Tickup^ drink to my Neighbour Sly, 
 
 Tick, I fiird the Glafs for the fame Purpofe. Mr. Sly^ 
 my hearty Service to you. {Drinks. 
 
 Roger, Don't Mafter me, Sir,- Fm but a poor Man ; 
 
 my Name is Roger Sly, d'ye fee, that's all. 
 
 Mai, {To the Quaker^ Neighbour Scruple, will you do 
 me the Favour to give this honefl Gentleman your Vote ! 
 
 Scruple, Verily, Neighbour Mallet, 1 do think I 
 
 fhall not do it. 
 
 Mai, Why fo 1 
 
 Sent, Am I obliged to give thee my Reafons ? 
 Mai, No, not oblig'd, but I would be glad to know 
 them. 
 
 Scru, Why then thou fhalt know them. Between thee 
 and me, Neighbour Mallet^ I do not take him for an 
 honefl Man. 
 
 Lady, Not an honefl Man ! Why what can you fay 
 againfl his Honefly He's none of your canting Con- 
 gregation, that's all. 
 
 Scru, I did not dire6l my Difcourfe to thee ; and I wou'd 
 advife thee not to put thyfelf into a Paffion, it will much 
 
 diforder thy outward Woman and make thy Lovers 
 
 lefs defiring. 
 
 Lady, My Lovers ! Goodman Goofe-crown, who told 
 you that I had Lovers, ha ? Goodman Mallet, why do 
 you let your Son take Wine of this old canting Villian, 
 when there is ten times better, either at the Pope's Head, 
 — or the Devil ? 
 
 Scru, Yea, verily, I do perceive that thou art much in 
 the Interefl of thofe two that thou hail nam'd, by thy 
 Language and thy A6lions. 
 
 Lady, And what are you in the Interefl of, Sirrah ? — 
 Not of your Country, — you, you, you — Spawn of old Noll, 
 
 you Here, Fidler, play me the tune of. The King JJiall 
 
 enjoy his own again. 
 
 Sly, Ay, Ay, let 'en, let en an he dares ; 'zbud I ha' 
 no Papifls Tunes play'd where I am ; play Lillibullera, 
 you Rogue. [Lady, 
 
A Gotham Ele^ion. 183 
 
 Lady, You won^t have no Papifts Tunes ! Sirrah, play 
 what I bad you. 
 
 Sly. Wounds, play what I bad ye, ye Dog, or Pll 
 break your Fiddle about your Ears. \_He plays Lillibullera, 
 
 Lady. You Prefbyterian Son of a Conventicle, how dare 
 you contradidl me, Sirrah 1 {Strikes hiin 07t the Face, and 
 
 makes his Nofe bleed. 
 
 G. Sly. Murder, Murder, my Hufband's all of a gore 
 Blood ; ah^ you are a good one to ftrike a Man, I war- 
 rant ye. 
 
 Lady. Pll murder you, you dirty, draggle-taiPd Slut ; 
 take that Hufwife. {Strikes Goody Sly, and makes her 
 Nofe bleed ; JJie blows it into her 
 Hand, and Jhows it, crying, 
 G. Sly. See, fee here, fee here, how they begin to fpill 
 
 Proteflant Blood already ; oh you Papifl Devil, you ; 
 
 ay, this is what you wou'd be at. 
 
 Sly. Zounds, if fhe carries this off, — Pll be hang'd alive ; 
 Pll drefs her down, I warrant her, an fhe be for fighting. 
 
 {Offers to Jirip ; they hold hiin, 
 Mai. O fie, is fhe not a Woman ? 
 
 Sly. Nay, afk her Spark there, he knows befl, or he's 
 foully bely'd on — A Woman ! a fhameless Beafl is fhe ! 
 
 Tick. Let me perfuade your Ladyfhip to leave the 
 Room. {Afcde to the Lady. 
 
 Lady. No, Pll have the Blood, the Blood, the Blood of 
 thefe confounded Whigifh Dogs. {Stamps and tears. 
 
 Tick. Indeed you'll ruin the Defign by thefe Paffions ; 
 did not I intend to crufh them a more effe61ual Way ? 
 You fhou'd fee how we wou'd ufe them now ; but we mufl 
 bear with their Saucinefs no, if we exped: to gain our 
 
 Ends ; you will by thefe Meafures fright 'em all into 
 
 your Hufband's Interefl. 
 
 Lady. Oh, oh, oh, well, well, that Thought has cooPd 
 me, and Pll retire to your Lodgings, make what Hafte 
 you can after me, where we will meditate on Revenge to 
 come. {Exit. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. The Mayor is gone to the Hall, Sir, and the 
 Election is begun. 
 
 Tick. Well, Gentlemen, I hope you'l give me your 
 
 Votes ; 
 
1 84 ^Gotham E legion. 
 
 Votes'; none fhall do more for )^our Town than I will, I 
 promife you. [^Exit, 
 
 Ser, Here's a Letter for you, Mr. Scruple, from your 
 Wine Merchant, Monfieur Traffick, the Man fays. 
 
 [Gives Scruple a Letter, 
 
 Scru, (Reads.) / Jhould take it as a particular Favour, 
 if you wou^d give Mr, Tickup yotir Vote, who is now 
 with you in Gotham ; he is an honeji Gentleman, I ajfure 
 you, — Yes, it would be a very particular Favour, truly. 
 
 Mai, What wou'd, Mr. Scruple f 
 
 Scru, Why thou mufl know, that this Letter comes 
 from a Frenchrnan, to dire6l my Vote for a Member in an 
 Englijh Senate, ha, ha. 
 
 Mai, Perhaps there may be no harm in it, the Gentle- 
 man might mean it well. 
 
 Scru, Yea, he doth mean it well for himfelf, no doubt 
 
 on't ; but he doth not mean it well for me But come, 
 
 let us to the Hall. Neighbours. 
 
 Mai. Ay, ay, to the Hall, and adl as Confcience, or 
 our Interefl leads. [Exeunt, 
 
 SCENE changes to the Street, 
 
 Enter Friendly and Lucy. 
 
 Friend, I hope you are convinced, Madam, of your Fa- 
 ther's Principle, and what you mufl have fuffer'd from it, 
 if I had been really what I am reprefented. 
 
 Lucy, I do believe the Defign you fpeak of ; a Nunnery ! 
 Heaven ! I fhudder at the Thought. 
 
 Friend. Ay ; where fwarms of Nuns and Pr lefts daily 
 curfe your Country, by Bell, Book, and Candle, where you 
 muft have been taught to pray for its Deftruction too. 
 
 Lucy. No ! Had I been trapan'd to that curfed Place, 
 tho' but a poor defencelefs Maid alone ; yet Pd have 
 fhown 'em a true Britijh Soul, and dy'd before I wou'd 
 have chang'd my Faith. 
 
 Friend, Well faid, Madam ; but to the Point — you will 
 not fure return to your Father, and put it in his Power to 
 betray you a fecond Time 1 
 
 Lucy, No, that I wont. 
 
 Friend, May I not hope fome Share in your Efteem ? 
 Lucy, No, whining, Love, Fm not to be caught that 
 
 Way; 
 
A Gotham EleSlion, 1 8 5 
 
 Way ; — this Day I am of Age, and I chufe you for my 
 
 Guardian, and if you can bring me unqueflionable 
 
 Ptoofs of your being an honefl Man that you have al- 
 ways been a Lover of your Country ; — a true Affertor of 
 her Laws and Privileges ; and that you'd fpend every Shil- 
 ling of my Portion, in Defence of Liberty and Property, 
 againfl Per kin and the Pope, Fll fign, feal, and deliver 
 myfelf into your Hands the next Hour. 
 
 Friend, If I do not this, may I meet the Fate which 
 every Traytor to his Land deferves, my charming He- 
 roine ! \A Noife of a Mob without^ crying, A Tickup, 
 a Tickup ; A Worthy, a Worthy ; A 
 Trufty, a Trufly. 
 
 Lucy, The Elecflion is begun ; where fhall I flay con- 
 ceaFd ! 
 
 Friend, At my Lodgings, Madam, where you fhall 
 quickly have the Proof that you demand, to make my 
 Happinefs compleat. 
 
 Enter Mob wiihtheirCandidatesat the Head of each Party 
 one bearing a Pope, and wooden Shoes, with Wool in their 
 Hats', the other a Tub, with a Wo7nan Preacher in it, and 
 Laurel in their Hats ; crying on one Side, A Tickup, a 
 Tickup ; on the other, A Worthy, a Worthy, huzza, 
 
 Ben Blunt, No Pope, no Per kin ; a Worthy, a Worthy, 
 Tim, Shal, No Tub-preaching ; no Liberty and Pro- 
 perty Men. 
 
 Gr, Gab. A Tickup, a. Tickup, a Tickup, 
 Ben Blunt, No Fire and Faggot ; — no wooden Shoes; 
 no Trade- Sellers ; a Low Bow, a Low Bow. 
 
 Tim, Shal, Z'blead ! who made you a Politician in the 
 DeviFs Name ? \Knocks ^em down ; Blunt gets tip and 
 collars him, and pulls hi7n down, and 
 gets on him, and boxes him : Half a 
 Score more fall together by the Ears, 
 Gr, Gab, Down with 'em, down with 'em. 
 Rog, Sly, Nay, an you're for that Sport, have at ye : 
 No Pope ; no Perkin ; knock 'em down ; down with the 
 
 Dogs ; down with their Champion down with that 
 
 frenchify'd Dog, Tickup : No High Boy; no High Boy. 
 
 Shal, No Worthy, no Worthy ; a High Boy, a High 
 Boy. \Exeunt fighting. 
 
 Enter 
 
i86 ^Gotham Eleflion, 
 
 Enter Mr, S cored ouble, Friendly, and Lucy. 
 
 Score, I wifh you much Joy with all my Heart, Madam, 
 you are the nineteenth Bride I have been Father to, and I 
 never gave one to an honefler Man in my Life, Til zaythat 
 for him. 
 
 Friend. I thank you, Landlord And it fhall be my 
 
 conflant Study to make you happy. Madam, and by my 
 future Adlions convince you, that you have not chofe 
 amifs. {To Lucy. 
 
 Lucy, I cannot be unhappy, if your Conduc<fl anfwers 
 your Charadler ; a moderate Man,''from a true innate Prin- 
 ciple of Virtue, fcorns to betray even his Enemies, much 
 lefs his County or Faith. {A great Shout within. 
 
 Enter Mob, bearing the chofen Member on Poles, in a 
 Chair, huzzaing crofs the Stage, 
 
 The Mayor following. 
 
 Mayor, I fay it is an unfair Ele6lion, and I'll return Mr. 
 Tickup, Ha ! What do I fee ? 
 
 Friend, Your Son and Daughter, Sir, if you pleafe to 
 give us your Bleffmg. [Kjieels, 
 
 Mayor, The Devil ! Down-right Englijh, Sirrah ; TU 
 have you laid by the Heels, for a Cheat. 
 
 Lticy, Then he^ll recriminate, my dear Father, and, ten 
 to one, tell how powerfully the Promife of French Pifloles 
 fway'd your Confcience, ha, ha. 
 
 Mayor, There's a Jade, now ; Zounds, that ever I be- 
 got her. Hufwife, if you are married to that rafcally, 
 cheating, canting Low Boy — may — Hell confound you 
 both. {Exit, 
 
 Friend, Ha, ha, ha, mind not his Curfes, my dear Lucy, 
 I'll be both a Father and a Hufband to thee. 
 
 Lucy, I do believe you, and thank you for this Delive- 
 rance ; for if I had efcap'd a Nunnery, ten to one but I 
 had been thrown into the Arms of fome of my Father's 
 Principle, and that wou'd have been as bad. 
 
 This is my Maxim, in a marry d Life, 
 
 Who hates his Country, n^er can love his Wife, 
 
 A 
 
WIFE 
 
 WELL 
 
 M A N A G 'D. 
 
 A 
 
 FARCE. 
 
Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 DON Pifalto, defigned to have \ ^ ^ . 
 
 been reprefented by — - [ /fc^^^. JN orris. 
 
 Father Bernardo — — — Mr, Shepherd. 
 
 Teague — — — — Mr, Miller. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Lady Pifalto — — — — Mrs. Baker. 
 
 Inis — — — — — Mi/s Younger. 
 
 SCENE, Lisbon. 
 
 A 
 
A 
 
 WIFE Vv^ELL MANAG'D. 
 ACT I. SCENE I. 
 
 Lady Pifalto and Inis. 
 
 H, Inis ! My Indifpofition is not to be 
 cur'd. 
 
 Inis, Not without applying the pro- 
 per Medicine, I grant ye. — Well, had 
 I fuch a Confeffor as Father Berna7^do 
 — I fay no more — but I fancy nothing wou'd trouble my 
 Confcience long. 
 Lady, What do you mean ? 
 
 Inis, My Meaning depends upon yours, Madam ; pray 
 what do you mean by painting YzXki^x Be^mardd's Pidlure 
 in every Room in the Houfe, at your Bed's-head, your 
 Toilet, at the Bottom of your Crucifix, at every Corner 
 of your Handkerchief, nay, upon your very Fan too, as 
 if the good Father, like the Traveller in the Fable, cou^d 
 heat and cool at once ? 
 
 Lady, Is there any harm in wearing a good Man's Pic- 
 ture ? Is he not one of the Pillars of our Church ? Emi- 
 nent for declaiming againft Herefy and Schifm, and fain 
 wou'd reconcile the World to Romds pure Religion ? Oh, 
 they are blefl that he converts ; happy the Pair, who e'er 
 they be, that are in Wedlock joined by him. Wou'd I 
 had been one of thofe. 
 
 Inis, If the good Father has this healing Art, why are 
 you uneafy ? A little of his comfortable Confolation wou'd 
 revive the Colour in thofe Cheeks, and give great Satif- 
 
 fadlion 
 
1 90 y4 W I F E well Managd. 
 
 fadiion to your Mind, or I have lofl my Judgment, and I 
 don't ufe to be out in my Guefs, where Love's the 
 Riddle. 
 
 Lady. Well, fmce thou hafl hit my Diflemper fo exadl:- 
 ly, Girl, 111 confefs ingenuoufly to thee, I do love Father 
 Bernardo to Diftra6lion ; but how to difcover my Paffion, 
 or what Reception it may meet with when difcover'd, is 
 that which racks me. 
 
 hiis, A kind one I warrant you, Madam : For tho' 
 Priefts are forbid to marry, as a mortal Sin, Fornication 
 was never reckoned more than Venial ; and for a Difco- 
 very, whilfl there's Pen, Ink, and Paper in the World, a 
 Woman can never be at a Lofs to tell her Mind. Write 
 to him. Madam, write to him. 
 
 Lady. But who fhall carry it ? 
 
 Inis. Your Irijh Footman ; he's a fimple, honefl Fel- 
 low, and may eafily be manag'd ; do you write your 
 Letter, Madam, and I'll give him Inflrudlions in the mean 
 Time. 
 
 Lady, I'll do it this Minute. \_Exit Lady. 
 
 [Inis goes to the Door and calls Teague. 
 
 Enter Teague. 
 
 Teague. Well, Mrs. Inis ; what Commands have you 
 for Teague now ? 
 
 Inis, Do you think you can do a Meffage cunningly, 
 Teague ? 
 
 Teague. Cunningly ! Yes, Faith, we are all fo cunning 
 now — What for a Meffage is it ? 
 
 Inis. It is a Letter for Father Bernardo at the Convent 
 of St. F7'ancis ! if you do it handfomeiy, a Moidore is 
 your Reward ; do you hear, but if you make any Mif- 
 take 
 
 Teague. Hub, bub, bub, bu, Miftake ! No Faith won't 
 I, Arra ! An will you be after giving me the Moidore in- 
 deed, and by my Shoul now ? 
 
 Inis. Upon Honour, 
 
 Teague. Arra, fay no more now 1 will be here agen 
 
 in a Quarter of an Hour. {Going, 
 hiis. But you mufl flay for the Letter, Teague. 
 Teague. No, no, 'tis no Matter ; I have a very clean 
 
 Letter 
 
^ W I F E well Managd, 1 9 1 
 
 Letter in my Pocket which will do very well, upon my 
 Shoul, [going) and fave Time, yes Faith will it. 
 
 Inis. Ha, ha ; no, no, Teagtie^ that v/on't do ; come 
 along with mxe, and Til give you the Letter ; but if you 
 fhou'd meet my M after, Don P if alto, not a Word of the 
 Letter for your Life — And I charge you to give it into no 
 Hands but the Priefl's, and bring me an Anfwer, and 
 then the Moidore is your own. 
 
 Teagtie, Faith will I. [Exeunt, 
 
 Re-enter Teague with the Letter. 
 
 Teague. Arra, 'pon my Shoul, I have forgot this plaguy 
 
 Priefl's Name Yes, Faith have I. — Father J3o7n, Bom, 
 
 Bom By St. Patrick I don't know who to afk for now 
 
 —Arra, What fhall I do ? Who the Devil lhall I get 
 
 to read the Outfide of this Letter now 1 
 
 E^iter Don Pifalto behind him, and looks over his Shoulder 
 on the Letter, 
 
 Don Pif. For Father Bernardo, 
 
 Teague, Oh, 'pon my Shoulvation dat is de Name now. 
 
 \Ttcrns quick tipon Don Pifalto. 
 Ha, my Maiftre ! What fhall I fay now 1 \_A/ide, 
 
 Don Pif, Whither are you going with that Letter, Sir- 
 rah ? It is my Wife's Hand 1 [Afide. 
 
 Teague, Ha, ha, 'pon my Shoul, a very good Jefl ; firfl 
 reads the Diredlion, and then afks me whither it goes. 
 
 Don Pif, It may not prove fo good a Jefl as you think, 
 Sirrah Who gave you that Letter ? 
 
 Teague, Arra, Maiflre, you are very uncivil now to en- 
 quire into other Folks Bufmefs, fo you are ; yes Faith are 
 you. 
 
 Don Pif, I fhall be fo very uncivil to break your Head, 
 Rafcal, if you don't anfwer me to the Purpofe ; give me 
 the Letter, you Dog you. 
 
 Teague, Faith won't I That's the Way to lofe the 
 
 Moidore, which I am to have for carrying it. 
 
 Do7i Pif A Moidore for carrying it ! Sure the Bufmefs 
 mufl be very urgent, when the Poflage is fo dear. Give 
 it me, I fay, or or, \L^ays his Hand to his Sword, 
 
 Teague, No, 'pon my Shoul won't I. 
 
 Don Pif, Won't you. Sirrah ? {Draws and beats hi7n, 
 
 Teague, 
 
ig2 y4 Wife well Managd. 
 
 Teagite. Arra, take the Letter. {Throws it down,) Pox 
 upon me, if I don't wifh the Devil had you both, yes 
 Faith do I ; for poor Teague lofes his Moidore now, and 
 Mrs. Inis will never fend me of no more Arrands, no 
 Faith won't fhe. 
 Don Pif, I?tis, ho ! Did fhe give it you ? — {Opens it, 
 Teague, Yes, indeed now ; and I believe there is fome 
 very great Sin in the Letter now, that the good Father 
 was to fend his Pardon for, fo I do. 
 
 Do7i Pif. Monftrous ! What do I fee ? Yes, here is a 
 Sin with a Witnefs — {Reads) Dear Father, you'll for- 
 " give me when I tell you, that the more I fee you, the 
 " more I hate my Hufband ; {very fine) and the more I 
 " pray againfl Temptation, the more powerfully my In- 
 " clinations plead in your Behalf {Furies and DifiraSfion) 
 
 " 1 implore your charitable Affiftance to conquer 
 
 " this unruly Sin — {Yes^ Pit help you with a Vengeance 
 
 " to you) Nothing but your Company can prolong the 
 
 " Life of Flora:' {Say you fo, Mifirefs ?) Very well. 
 Inis gave you this Letter, you fay ? 
 
 Teague, Yes, Faith did fhe — Arra dear honny Maiflre ; 
 an you have done with the Letter give it me now, that I 
 may carry it to the good Father, what do you call him, or 
 1 Ihall lofe the Moidore, yes Faith fhall 1. 
 
 Don Pif Ha ! A lucky Thought comiCS into my Head, 
 and this Fellow's Simplicity is of Ufe : Hark ye, Teague^ 
 come you along with me, I am acquainted with Father 
 Berna7^do, I'll procure you an Anfwer to this Letter — It 
 is as you fay, a Letter of Confeffion, and I believe Inis 
 might not perform Articles with you, if fhe knew I had 
 feen it ; but take you no Notice of that, do you hear — 
 And there is two Moidores for you, Sirrah. \_Exit. 
 
 Teague, Oh, by my Shoul Teague is dum Now I 
 
 fhall have three Moidores ; Faith^ this is a lucky Beating 
 for poor Teague ; now will I drink St. Patrick's Health till 
 I am as red as a Potato, yes Faith will 1. \Exit, 
 
 Enter Father Bernardo. 
 Ber7i. I have had very odd Dreams to Night ; me- 
 
 thought I was in Bed with Lady Pif alto Ah, wou'd it 
 
 was true, for fhe is a charming Woman : by St. Antho?iy 
 I never heard her Confeffion, but my Virtue is much flag- 
 
 ger'd ; 
 
A Wife well Managd. 193 
 
 gerd ; the Flefh and Spirit hold ftrong Contention ; oh, 
 fhe' s a delicious Morfel. 
 
 Enter Don Pifalto. 
 
 Ha ! Her Hufband, I hope did not overhear me. 
 
 Don Ft/, So, I have difpatch'd the Irijhman, Ha ! 
 Father Bernardo^ well met ; I was going to your Convent ; 
 I have a Favour to afk of you. 
 
 Bern. You command me, Senior Pifalto^ pray what 
 is it? 
 
 Don Pi/, Why, I mufl defire you to procure me a Habit 
 of your Order for an Hour or two. 
 
 Bern, I hope you have no Enterprize in View, that may 
 fcandalize the Prieflhood. 
 
 Don Pi/, Fie, fie, does a Man of my Years give you 
 Room for Sufpicion 1 Befides, I am a married Man you 
 know. 
 
 Bern. And to the mofl beautiful Lady in Madrid 
 
 A religious, virtuous Lady : Ah, you are a happy Man, 
 Senior. 
 
 Don Pif. A Curfe on the Happinefs— Her Virtue, and 
 your Sanftity, Father, might have begot a Monfler, calFd 
 1 a Cuckold, if Fortune had not flung me in the Way to 
 prevent it. 
 
 Bern, What fay you, Senior 
 
 Don Pi/ I fay I am contented, Father. 
 
 Bern, Contented ! Why another Man wou'd be tranf- 
 ported, ravifh'd, nay almofl guilty of Idolatry. 
 
 Don Pi/, Humph ! There would have been fine Work 
 if they had come together ; oh, thefe Priefls are full of 
 Abftinence, and Piety ! (A/ide) If you'll oblige me with 
 a Habit, let it be immediately, and I fhou'd be proud if 
 you'd give me your Company this Evening to fup with my 
 Wife and I ; Pll affure you, Father, fhe has a profound 
 Refpecfl for you. 
 
 Bern, I am much obliged to her, Senior ; Pll not fail to 
 accept your kind Invitation : Come along with me, and 
 
 Pll give you the Habit A profound Refped: for me — 
 
 Oh, that it were Love. [A/ide. 
 
 Don Pi/ Pll fend for them this Minute, Father ; but 
 VOL. III. I now 
 
194 ^ Wife well Managd. 
 
 now I mufl pay a Vifit to my virtuous Wife, and fee how 
 
 fhe bears her Expe6lation. 
 
 ^Mongft all the Ills which clog this mortal Life^ 
 
 The moji accurji^ and verieji Plague is Wife, [Exit. 
 
 SCENE Changes. 
 
 Enter Lady reading a Letter ; Inis following. 
 
 Lady. He has anfwer'd me as I could wifh Dear, 
 
 •dear Inis^ how fhall I reward thee ? Take that in Earnefl 
 •of my future Kindnefs : He fays he will come in the Twi- 
 light, which will foon be here, though not fo foon as I 
 
 cou'd wilh it : He defires, for Reafons which he will 
 
 give me, he fays, to be admitted in the Dark, which 
 Caution does not difpleafe me, fmce it will prevent the 
 Confufion I fhou'd be in after fuch a Declaration. — 
 
 Inis. He did that on purpofe, Madam ; he is a true 
 Cavalier, and underflands his Bufmefs to a Hair ; he 
 knows Darknefs is neceffary upon thefe Occafions ; it 
 prevents a Lady's Blufhes. — Ods heart, Madam, here's 
 my Lord, I hear him cough. 
 
 Lady. Oh mifchievous Minute ! Here, here, run 
 
 down the back Stairs, and burn that Letter immediately. 
 
 \Exit Inis. 
 
 I'll to my Book. \Sits down, and takes up a Book. 
 
 Enter Don Pifalto. 
 
 Don Pif. There fhe fits — as if fhe knew nothing of the 
 Matter, — a Cockatrice ; — What always at thy Devotion, 
 Figgup ? 
 
 Lady. How can I pafs my Time better in your Ab- 
 fence, Pudfey ? Were it not for thefe good Books, I 
 fhou'd be very melancholy, when you are from me, Pudfey. 
 
 Don Pif. He'll confound her for a diffembling Witch. 
 
 {_Afide. 
 
 Lady. What ails my Pudfey ? You look out of Humour 
 with your nown Figgup : What have I done, ha ? 
 
 Don. Pif Nothing yet, I hope but that's no Fault 
 of her's. 
 
 Lady. Nay, what are you fludying for, Pud, ha ! 
 Don. Pif Why if you mufl know, little Figgey, — then 
 I'll tell thee ; Don Cammary lays claim to Part of that Ef- 
 
 tate 
 
A Wife well Managd. 195 
 
 tate I bought lafl Year, and I mufl be obliged to leave my 
 dear Figgup for two or three Hours this Evening, in Or- 
 der to confult my Lawyers about that Matter, that's all, 
 
 Figgey : And I was afraid thou Ihould'fl take it ill of 
 
 thy nown Pud. 
 
 Lady. Lucky beyond Expreffion. {A/lde,) No, no, Pud, 
 
 I am not fo unreafonable neither ; 1 can divert myfelf 
 
 with my Books till thy Return But do Puddey 
 
 make all the Hafle you can to your nown Figgup. — 
 
 Don Pi/, Ay, ay, more hafle than you wi(h I dare 
 fwear. {Afide.) That I will my Precious. [^Going, 
 
 Lady, What never a parting Kifs, Pudfey ? Oh, you 
 don't love your Figgup ! Go, go, you are a naughty 
 
 Hubby ; 1, I, I, I, wifh I cou'd love you lefsthan I do, 
 
 fo I do. \_Sobbing, taking out her Handkerchief, 
 
 Don Pi/. Did ever Woman make a Cuckold with a bet- 
 ter Grace 1 Ounds, fhe outdoes an Engli/Ji Wife Nay 
 
 don't weep, Figgup ; Til flay with thee, let the Eftate go 
 how it will, rather than difpleafe my little Figgey. 
 
 Lady. Heaven forbid ; that would be carrying the Jefl 
 too far. {A/de.) No, no, I don't defire that Pud. 
 
 Don Pi/. No, I dare fwear it. [Afide, 
 
 Lady. Go ; but give me a kind Kifs firfl, Pudfey. 
 
 Don Pi/, Ah, you are a coaxing Baggage. {Ki/es her.) 
 Well, good-by, Figgey. [Exit. 
 
 Lady, Good-by, Pudfey with all my Heart. 
 
 Enter Inis. 
 
 He is gone, Girl, mofl fortunately. 
 
 Inis. I overheard all, and v/ifh you Joy of this lucky 
 
 Opportunity Come, come. Madam, away to your 
 
 Chamber, 'tis near the Time and there contemplate 
 
 on your coming Joy ; whilfl I, your Harbinger of Blifs, 
 wait to condu6l the Man that is to crown your Happinefs 
 
 Lady. I fly, I fly, Girl. [Exeunt /ever ally. 
 
 SCENE changes^ and di/covers Lady Pifalto leaning 
 on a Couch. 
 
 Lady. Blefs me, what Noife was that ! My Heart 
 
 akes horribly, lefl this old Cuff fhou'd return and prevent 
 my charming Pried. 
 
 I 2 Enter 
 
1 96 y^ W I F E well Managd. 
 
 Enter Inis, leading in Don Pifalto in a PrieJPs Habit, 
 Inis, Fear nothing, Father, llrait forward is your Way 
 to Happinefs. 
 
 Don Pif, A Happinefs, I fear, will bode fomebody no 
 Good. Hifl, hift, Daughter ! Where are you ? \Ex. Inis. 
 
 Lady, Ha ! He's come ; — here, here, my too charm- 
 ing Father ; can you forgive a Woman's Weaknefs. 
 
 {groping about. 
 
 Don Pif, Common Frailties of Flefh and Blood {groping 
 about (if thou haft pray'd againft it, thou haft done thy 
 Part, and we are bound to comfort thofe that faint. 
 
 Lady. Oh, I have often pray'd. Father, but to no Pur- 
 pofe ; you are the only Objedl of my Wifhes ; I blufti, 
 tho' in the Dark, to own how much I love you 
 
 Don Pif, Come to my Arms, and hide thofe Blufhes in 
 my Bofom. {They 7neet and embrace^' Is your Hufband 
 fafe.^* 
 
 Lady, Safe enough, tho' long he will not ftay ; For- 
 tune fmird upon my Wifhes, and calFd him luckily a- 
 broad. 
 
 Don Pif, Then let us improve the little Time we have ; 
 thus let me cool the raging Fever in your Blood. 
 
 [Catches hold of her Arms^ and pulls out a Rope's 
 End, and beats her foundly, fJie roars out all 
 the while. 
 
 Lady. Oh ! What do you mean, to murder me ? In- 
 human Monfter ! Oh ! Murder, Murder, Murder, — oh, 
 oh, oh. {Falls on the Couch, 
 
 Enter Inis. 
 
 Lnis, Blefs me ! What's the Matter, Madam ? 
 
 [Don Pifalto tur^is and beats her, 
 
 Don Pif. Only adminiftring a little Penance, Miftrefs ; 
 it won't be amifs to beftow a little Charity upon you too. 
 
 Inis. The Devil take you, and your Penance too, you 
 old fan6lify'd Dog you : Thieves, Thieves ; I'll have you 
 equip'd for the Opera, Sirrah, I will fo : A Light there, 
 a Light, here's Thieves in the Houfe Oh, oh, Mur- 
 der, Thieves my Lady's murder'd 
 
 Don Pif I muft not ftay for a Light, leaft they difcover 
 
 who I am :— One farewel Stroke And now remember 
 
 your Benefadior, Miftrefs Bawd. {Exit, 
 
 Inis. 
 
A Wife well Managd. 197 
 
 Inis. Yes ; I fhall remember with a Vengeance. 
 
 Enter Teague with a Candle. 
 
 Teague. Arra, by my Shoul what is de Matter now ? 
 Is de Houfe haunted ? Has de great Devil and de little 
 Devil put de Fright upon you both together now ? 
 
 Lady, Begone, impertinent Fool. 
 
 Teagice, Fool ! Pon my Shoul Irifhmen are no Fools : 
 — By St. Patrick^ we make Fools of de very great many 
 Engli/h ; yes, Faith, and of de Spaniai^ds too. 
 
 Inis, Get out, Sirrah, or Til fling the Candle at your 
 Head. 
 
 Teague, Arra, Pox take yoor ugly Face, and him that 
 would put a Kifs upon^t, for Teague, [Exit, 
 
 Lady. Oh, I am kilFd Inis ! This curfed Prieft has 
 kiird me. 
 
 Inis. Was there ever fuch a Monfler 1 I dare fwear I 
 am black from Head to Foot, he laid on mofl unmerci- 
 fully : Well, my Mind mifgives me, this Prieft is no 
 
 Man, this feels like an occafional Corre(51ion. 
 
 Lady. Occafional, do you call it ? I'm fure he has given 
 me Occafion to remember it this Twelve-month. 
 
 [Don Pifalto within. 
 
 Don Pi/. Figgup, why Figgup where are you 
 
 Child ? 
 
 Lady. Ah Heaven, my liufband's Voice — Returned fo 
 foon ! What fhall I fay for my Indifpofition } 
 
 Inis. Oh Invention 1 Where art thou ? \PauJes, 
 
 Enter Don Pifalto. 
 
 Don Pif. What afleep little Figgy ? 
 
 Inis. Afleep, Senior, no, no ; alas, my poor Lady had 
 like to have been kilFd flnce you went. 
 
 Don Pif, KilFd ! As how ? You make me tremble. 
 
 Inis. Going down Stairs, her Foot flipt, and down flie 
 tumbled from Top to Bottom, and bruis'd herfelf fo fad- 
 ly, that flie is not able to fl.ir a Finger ; it is a Mercy fhe 
 was not kilFd out-right. 
 
 Lady. Excellent Wench. [A/lde, 
 
 Don Pif, Here^s a pure Jade at Invention They fay 
 
 the Devil's a Lyar, but Fll be hang'd if this Wench won't 
 out-lye the Devil — Fm heartily forry for this Misfortune, 
 
 I 3 poor 
 
1 98 Wife well Managd. 
 
 poor dear Figgey ; but I hope thou haft not broke any 
 
 Bones, my dear Figgup. 
 
 Lady, But Fm much hurt, Pudfey. 
 
 Don Pi/, Fm forry for't ; for I have invited Father Ber- 
 nardo to fup with us ; I met him hardly here, and brought 
 him back with me — becaufe I know he is a Favourite 
 with my Figgey. 
 
 Inis, Not fo great a Favourite as he was, if you knew 
 all. [Afcde. 
 
 Lady, I beg you wou'd excufe me, Pudfey, I cannot 
 come down ; befides, I have no Stomach. 
 
 Inis, No ! The Prieft has given her and me Supper 
 enough, more than we can digeft this Twelve-month. 
 
 [A/ide, 
 
 Don Pi/, Well, if thou can'ft not eat, there's no more 
 to be faid. Take Care of your Lady, Inis, — Well drink 
 thy Health, little Figgup. [Exit, 
 
 Lady, My Heart rifes at the Villain ; if I fhou'd fee 
 him, I think in my Soul I fhould tear his Eyes out. Oh 
 that I cou'd be revenged 
 
 l7tis. Revenged ! What Revenge could you take bad 
 enough, Madam ? 'Tis impoffible to find Revenge equal 
 to the Affront ; a Rope's End to a Lady that expelled — 
 I cou'd flea him alive, fo I cou'd. [In a Pajfion, 
 
 Lady. My Head akes grievoufly. 
 
 Inis, Let me cover you up upon the Bed, Madam ; a 
 little Sleep will fettle your Head agen. [Exit, 
 
 SCENE changes. 
 
 Enter Don Pifalto and Prie/i, 
 
 Bern, Your Lady poffeft, fay you ? 
 
 Don Pi/, 'Tis even fo. Father ; I left her well, and 
 found in her Senfes, I thought, about two Hours ago ; 
 but now flie raves, calls Names, fights, and talks of be- 
 ing beat by every Body that comes near her. 
 
 Bern. Poor Lady, I am exceeding forry \ Fll take care 
 ftie fhall be pray'd for by the whole Convent. 
 
 Don Pi/, I wifti you wou'd fee her. Father, perhaps 
 your ghoftly Admonition might do her good. Men ol 
 your holy Fundlion have Power over unclean Spirits ; 
 pray, try what you can do for her. 
 
 Bern, 
 
A Wife well Managd. 
 
 199 
 
 Bern, With all my Heart, but I have no holy Water a- 
 bout me ; — nothing frights the Devil like holy Water, — 
 thence comes the Proverb, you know. 
 
 Don Pif. I can help you to fome, pleafe to walk this 
 Way, Father. {^Exeunt, 
 
 SCENE changes^ and dif covers Lady Pifalto, on a 
 Couch ajleep. 
 
 Enter Prieft^fets a Bafon of Water on the Table, 
 
 Don Pifalto liji'ning, 
 
 Bern. Peace be here Ha! Shefleeps: — Howinvit- 
 
 ingly fhe lies ! Why what a delicious Morfel has this old 
 faplefs Log every Night to fnoar over. 
 
 Don Pif, Wellfaid, Priefl ; Oh, this is a holy Man ; 
 
 no Wonder he's the Women's Favourite. 
 
 Bern. I feel a flrange Diforder on the fudden, my 
 
 Pulfe beats quick, and every Senfe feems ravifh'd at this 
 
 Obje^l;. Ha ! We are alone, What hinders me to 
 
 make Ufe of this Opportunity ? 
 
 Don Pif, Zounds, I lhall be cuckolded before my Face. 
 
 Bern, Befides, none dare to prefs upon our Privacy, — 
 we have that Advantage above the Laity ; I'll try ; if fhe 
 fhould prove virtuous, and refifl, the Noife will pafs upon 
 her Hufband, as the Effe6lof her Poffeffion ; for I fhrewd- 
 ly fufpe6l, fhe is not mad indeed, and only puts it on to 
 avoid the Embraces of that Skeleton, unfit for a Woman 
 of her Youth and Fire. 
 
 Don Pif, Well, for a thorough-pac'd Whore-mafler, 
 commend me to a Priefl, I fay. 
 
 Bern, I'll try I'm refolv'd. \Steals foftly to the Conch 
 
 and kiffes her, 
 
 Don Pif, Very well. Zounds, I fhan't contain my- 
 
 felf 
 
 Bern. Rapture ! Her very Lips gives Extafy ! She 
 
 fleeps very found once more. \Goes to kiss her again, 
 
 and /lie lifts up her Eyes and fees hiiii. 
 Lady, I dreamt ! Ha ! Blefs me, the Monfler's here ! 
 
 Oh, that I could look him dead. \Going to rife, 
 
 Bernardo flops her, and kneels, 
 Bern. Oh, do not rife, my charming Angel, let me feaft. 
 
 I4 my 
 
200 A Wife well Managd. 
 
 my Eyes upon that lovely Face, the perfedl Image of the 
 Blefl above. 
 
 Lady, Do not infult me, thou ungrateful Traytor ! Do 
 not. 
 
 Bern. What means my Charmer ? Oh, forgive my rafh 
 Proceeding, and blame your Eyes, thofe dear bewitching 
 Eyes, for all that I have done. {^Kiffesherin Extafy, 
 
 Lady, Off Monfter, Devil, worfe, if worfe can be, than 
 Devil, thou very Prieft. 
 
 Don Pi/, Excellent, it works now as I wou'd have it. — 
 
 Lady. You thought you had kilFd me, I fuppofe, — but 
 you fhall find, I live to tear your Eyes out, Monfler. 
 
 \_Flies up and pulls his Hood off ^ and beats him, 
 
 Bern, Help, Help, Help, blefs me ! She is really 
 poffefl. 
 
 Enter Inis with a Stick, 
 
 Inis, Ha ! You are here again, old Belzebub ! but Pll 
 be even with you now, I will fo. {Lays on upon the Priejl. 
 
 Don Pi/. Ha, ha, I fhall dye with Laughing. 
 
 Bern, What do you mean. Madam, pray be calm, I 
 would comfort you. 
 
 Lnis. As how, pray, Father ? I am much miflaken if 
 you have any Thing that can comfort a Lady. 
 
 Bern, OhWickednefs ! Have I nothing that can Com- 
 fort a Lady ? 
 
 Lady, Yes, Villain, I can fhow your Marks of Comfort, 
 I can fo, but Pll be revenged on thee, I will. 
 
 [beats him. 
 
 Litis, Yes, and I can fhow 'em too ; this for my Lady, 
 this for myfelf. \beats hiin, 
 
 Don Pi/ Ha, ha, O rare Figgup, O rare Lnis, 
 Bern, Blefs me ! By St. ^/^Z/^^^/r^ithey are both poffefl ; 
 the Maid has caught her Frenzy, too, in Nomine Domine — 
 [Pu7zs to the Table, and catches up the holy Water ^ 
 and flings, /ir/l on one, then on the other, 
 Don Pi/. Ha, ha, O rare Priefl, ha, ha. 
 Lady, I'll Nomine Domine you. You had better have 
 hang'd yourfelf in your Rope's End, than have ufed it a- 
 bout me, Pll make it a dear Beating to you, Sirrah. 
 Bern, Oh Maria Mater ora pro nobis, [Flings Water 
 
 /till. 
 
 Lady, Ah ! He'll drown me. 
 
 Birn* 
 
A Wife well Managd, 201 
 
 Bern, Avant Satan, I conjure thee, by St. Anthony^ St. 
 Bridget^ and our Lady of Loretto, {Flings Water, 
 
 Inis, {strikes down the Bafon and breaks it.) — What ho, 
 a Rape, a Rape, I'll cant you. Til have you hanged ; — 
 Fll fhew the World the Jewel they doat on : I faw you 
 
 when you wou^d have ravifh'd my Lady, -thou Monfter 
 
 of Iniquity. 
 
 Bern, Mercy on me, the Devil is very flrong in them 
 both. 
 
 Enter Do7t Pifalto. 
 
 Don Pif. Ha, ha, I mufl releafe the Priefl, or they'll 
 
 murder him between them. Oh, the Rage of a difap- 
 
 pointed Woman.— — What's the Matter here ? Pray, Fa- 
 ther, withdraw, I am heartily forry for your ill Treatment, 
 it is their Height of Frenzy you fee. Father ; Fll wait up- 
 on you in the next Room immediately, you can do them 
 no Good, I fee. Father. 
 
 Bern. Alas, Senior, they are fo ftrongly poffefl, that no 
 one Man can deal with them both. {Exit, 
 
 Inis, Will you let him go, Senior? Why he would 
 have ravifh'd my Lady, if I had not cry'd out. 
 
 Don Pif, No, Miftrefs, you cry'd out becaufe he had 
 not ravifh'd your Lady. -Go troop, Miftrefs, Til reck- 
 on with you within. {Exit Inis. 
 And now, Madam, for you. — Do you know this Letter? 
 
 Lady, Ha ! My Letter to Father Bernardo ! the Villain 
 has betray'd me ! and Fm undone ! {Afide, 
 
 Don Pif, Why don't you anfwer me ? What, are you 
 dumb ? Then I muft fetch you to your Speech with this. 
 
 {Pulls out a Dagger 
 
 Lady, Ah ! defend me Heaven, {falls on her Knees) 
 But why name I Heaven ; — I have offended that in wrong- 
 ing you, tho' but in Thought ; Oh, forgive me, have 
 
 Pity on my Youth, and let me live : Punifh me as feverely 
 as you pleafe ; let even him who has betray'd me, name 
 my Penance, and then Fm fure it will be harfti enough ; 
 whatever it be, I will perform it moft religioufly. 
 
 Don Pif, I melt ; the cunning Baggage knows her 
 
 Power. 
 
 Lady, Oh ! Do, Pudfey, do ; won't you forgive you 
 nown Figgup ? Can you pierce this Bofom you have kifs'r 
 fo often, and fee your Figgey's Blood run trickling downd 
 I 5 Don 
 
202 A Wife well Managd, 
 
 Don Pif, I am conquered ; I can hold no longer. 
 
 Rife, Figgup, for this Time I will forgive thee ; but on 
 Condition you ne'er fee your ghoflly Father more ; no 
 more Harangues in Praife of his Sanftity, and Holinefs of 
 Life ; do you hear, Figgey ? 
 
 Lady, No, never, indeed, Pudfey. 
 
 Don Pi/, Take heed ; for if again I catch you faulty, 
 look to it, expe6l no Pardon. 
 
 Lady. No, when I am, may I your Pardoit mifs^ 
 Since y oil fo generoujly forgive me this, 
 
 Don Pif. When Wives, like mine, gives Inclination Scope, 
 No Cure for Cuckoldom like Oyl of Rope^ 
 
 A Bold 
 
A 
 
 Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 I 6 
 
PROLOGUE 
 
 Spoken by Mrs. Thurmond. 
 
 ^T^O Night we come upon a bold Defign, 
 
 To try to pleafe without one borrowed Line : 
 
 Our Plot is 7iew, and regularly clear, 
 
 And not one Jingle Tittle frojn Moliere. 
 
 O^er buried Poets we with Caution tread^ 
 
 And Parijh Sextons leave to rob the Dead, 
 
 For you, bright Britifli Fair, in Hopes to charm ye. 
 We bring To-night, a Lover frorn the Army : 
 You know the Soldiers have the flrangejl Arts, 
 
 Such a Proportion of prevailing Parts, 
 
 You^d think that they rid Poji to W omens Hearts, 
 
 I wonder whence they draw their bold Pretence ; 
 We do not chufe them Jure for our Defence : 
 That Plea is both impolitick and wrong. 
 
 And only fuit fuch Dames as wa7tt a Tongue, 
 
 Is it their Eloquence a7id fine Addrefs ? 
 
 The Softnefs of their Language ? — Nothing lefs. 
 
 Is it their Courage that they bravely dare 
 
 To fiorm the Sex at once'^ Egad/ His there. 
 
 They a^ by us as in the rough Campaign, 
 Unmindful of Repulfes, charge again : 
 They mine, aiid countermine, refoli/d to win, 
 
 And, if a Breach is jnade, they will come in. 
 
 YouHl think, by what we have of Soldiers faidy 
 Our Female Wit was i7t the Service bred : 
 But fhe is to the hardy Toil a Stranger, 
 She loves the Cloth i7ideed, but hates the Danger : 
 Yet to this Circle of the Brave and Gay, 
 She bid me for her good Intentio7is,fay, 
 She hopes youUl not reduce her to Half Pay. 
 As for our Play, His Englifh Htmiour all : 
 Then will you let oitr Manufacture falP. 
 Would you the Honour of our Nation raife, 
 Keep Englifh Credit up, and Englifh Plays. 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 Written by Mr. S£ WELL : 
 Spoken by Mrs. BULLOCK. 
 
 11 /HA T new Jlrange Ways viir 7nodern Beaus devife I 
 
 What Trials of Love-Skill, to gain the Prize I 
 The Heathen Gods, who never mattered Rapes, 
 Scarce wore fuch Jlrange Variety of Shapes : 
 The Devil take their odious barren Skulls, 
 To cozirt in Form of Snakes and filthy Bulls : 
 Old Jove once nicked it too, as I ain told, 
 In a whole Lapfull of true ftandard Gold : 
 How ?nuft his Godfhip then fair Danae warm ! j 
 In trucking Ware for Ware there is no Harin, \ 
 
 Well after all that Money has a Charm. ) 
 But now indeed that ft ale Invention's paft ; 
 Befides you know that Guineas fall fo faft, 
 Poor Ny7nph muft come to Pockpet-piece at laft, 
 
 Old Harry^j- Face, or good Queen Befs'j- Ruff, 
 
 Not that Pd take 'em may do well enough; 
 
 No 7ny ambitious Spirifs far above 
 
 These little Tricks of mercenary Love. 
 
 That Man be 7nine, who, like the CoPnel here, 
 
 Can top his Chara6ler in evr^y Sphere ; 
 
 Who can a thoufand Ways employ his Wit, 
 
 Out promife Statefmen, and out cheat a Cit : 
 
 Beyond the Colours of a Traveller paint, 
 
 And cant, and ogle too beyond a Saint. 
 
 The laft Difguife moft pleased me, I confefs, 
 
 There's fomething tempting in the preaching Drefs : 
 
 And pleas' d 7ne more than once a Dame of Note, 
 
 Who lov'd her Hufband in his Footman'^- Coat. 
 
 To fee one Fye in wanton Motions play' d. \ 
 
 The other to the Heav'nly Regions ftray' d, [ 
 
 As if for its Fellow's Frailties pray' d : 
 
 But yet I hope, for all that I have faid, 
 
 To find my Spoufe a Man of War in Bed. 
 
 Dramatis 
 
Dramatis Pedonas. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Sir Philip Mode love, an old Beau. 
 Periwinkle, a Kind ol filly Vir- 1 
 tuofo. J 
 Trade love, a Change Broker. 
 Obadiah Prim, a Quaker, Hofier. 
 All Four chofe Guardians to 
 Mrs. Lovely, 
 
 Colonel Fainwell, in Love with ) 
 Mrs. Lovely, j 
 Freeman, his Friend, a Merchant. 
 Si7non Pure, a Quaking Preacher. 
 Mr. Sack but, a Vintner. 
 
 Mr. Knap. 
 Mr. Spiller. 
 Mr. Bullock, fen. 
 
 Mr. Charles Bid lock. 
 
 Mr. Ogden, 
 Mr. Griffin. 
 Mr. Hall. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Mrs. Lovely, a Fortune of Thirty ] -^k t> n 
 Thoufand Pounds. ^\ Mrs. 
 
 Betty, Servant to Mrs. Lovely. Mrs. Robins. 
 
 Scene London ; Footmen, Drawers, &c. 
 
 A Bold 
 
A Bold Stroke for a WIFE. 
 Act. I. Scene, i. 
 
 SCENE a Tavern. 
 Colonel Fainwell and Freeman over a Bottle. 
 
 ^^pfit^tni^ f^=^^r^ O M E, Colonel, his Majefly's 
 Health. — You are as melancholy 
 as if you were in Love : I v/ifii 
 some of the Beauties of Bath han't 
 fnapt your heart. 
 
 Col. Why, Faith, Freeman, there is fomething in't : I 
 have feen a Lady at Bath^ who has kindled fuch a Flame 
 in me that all the Waters there can't quench. 
 
 Free. Women, like fome poifonous Animals, carry their 
 Antidote about 'em — Is fhe not to be had, Colonel? 
 
 Col. That's a difficult Queflion to anfwer ; however, I 
 refolve to try : Perhaps you may be able to ferve me ; 
 you Merchants know one another. — The Lady told me 
 herfelf, fhe was under the Charge of four Perfons. 
 Free. Odfo ! 'tis Mrs. Ann Lovely. 
 
 Col. The fame. Do you know her ? 
 
 Free. Know her ! Ay. — Faith, Colonel, your Condition 
 is more defperate than you imagine : Why, fhe is the Talk 
 and Pity of the whole Town ; and it is the Opinion of the 
 Learned, that fhe mufl die a Maid. 
 
 Col. Say you fo ? That's fomewhat odd, in this charit- 
 able City. — She's a Woman, I hope. 
 
 Free^ For aught I know, but it had been as well for 
 
 her, had Nature made her any other Part of the Creation. 
 The Man who keeps this Houfe, ferved her Father ; he 
 is a very honefl Fellow, and may be of Ufe to you ; we'll 
 fend for him to take a dlafs with us ; he'll give you her 
 whole Hiftory, and 'tis worth your hearing. 
 Col. But may one trufl him ? 
 
 Free. 
 
2o8 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Free, With your Life : I have Obligations enough upon 
 him to make him do any thing : I ferve him with Wine. 
 
 \Knocks, 
 
 Col. Nay, I know him pretty well myfelf. I once ufed 
 to frequent a Club that was kept here. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draw. Gentlemen, d'ye call ? 
 Free. Ay ; fend up your M after. 
 
 Draw. Yes, Sir. \Exit. 
 Col. Do you know any of this Lady's Guardians, Free- 
 man ? 
 
 Free, Yes, I know two of them very well. 
 
 Enter Sackbut. 
 
 Free. Here comes one will give you an Account of them 
 
 all Mr. Sackbut.^ we fent for you to take a Glafs with 
 
 us. 'Tis a Maxim among the Friends of the Bottle, that 
 as long as the Mafter is in Company, one may be fure of 
 good Wine. 
 
 Sack. Sir, you ftiall be fure to have as good Wine as 
 you fend in — —Colonel, your moft humble Servant ; you 
 are welcome to Town. 
 
 Col. I thank you, Mr. Sackbut. 
 
 Sack. I am as glad to fee you, as I fhould a hundred 
 
 Tun of French Claret Cuftom-free My Service to you, 
 
 Sir, (drinks) You don't look fo merry as you ufed to do ; 
 ar'n't you well, Colonel ? 
 
 Free. He has got a Woman in his Head, Landlord, can 
 you help him ? 
 
 Sack. If 'tis in my Power, I lhan't fcruple to ferve my 
 Friend. 
 
 Col. 'Tis one Perquifite of your Calling. 
 
 Sack. Ay, at 'tother End of the Town, where you 
 Officers ufe, Women are good Forcers of Trade : A well- 
 accuftom'd Houfe, a handfome Bar-keeper, with clean 
 obliging Drawers, foon get the Mafter an Eftate ; but our 
 Citizens do feldom anything but cheat within the Walls. 
 — But as to the Lady, Colonel, point you at Particulars, 
 or have you a good Champagne Stomach t Are you in full 
 Pay, or reduc'd, Colonel 
 
 Col. Reduc'd, reduc'd, Landlord. 
 
 Free. 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 209 
 
 Free. To the miferable Condition of a Lover ! 
 
 Sack, Pifh ! that's preferable to Half-pay ; a Woman's 
 Refolution may break before the Peace ; pufh her home, 
 Colonel, there's no parlying with the fair Sex. , 
 
 CoL Were the Lady her own Miftrefs, I have fome 
 Reafons to believe I Ihould command in Chief. 
 
 Free, You know Mrs. Lovely^ Mr. Sackbut ? 
 
 Sack, Know her ! Ay, poor Nancy ; I have carried her 
 to School many a frofly Morning. Alas ! if fhe's the Wo- 
 man, I pity you, Colonel : Her Father, my old M after, 
 was the moft whimfical, out-of-the-Way tempered Man I 
 ever heard of, as you will guefs by his laft Will and Tef- 
 
 tament This was his only Child ; I have heard him 
 
 wifh her dead a thoufand Times. 
 
 Col, Why fo ? 
 
 Sack, He hated Pofterity, you muft know, and wifh'd 
 
 the World were to expire with himfelf He ufed to 
 
 fwear, if fhe had been a Boy, he would have qualified 
 him for the Opera. 
 
 Free, 'Tis a very unnatural Refolution in a Father. 
 
 Sack. He died worth thirty thoufand Pounds, which he 
 left to his Daughter, provided fhe married with the Con- 
 fent of her Guardians : But that fhe might be fure never 
 to do fo, he left her in the Care of four Men, as oppofite 
 to each other as the four Elements ; each has his quarterly 
 Rule, and three Months in a Year fhe is obliged to be 
 fubjecft to each of their Humours, and they are pretty dif- 
 ferent, I affure you She is juft come from Bath, 
 
 Col, 'Twas there I faw her. 
 
 Sack. Ay, Sir, the laft Quarter was her Beau Guardian's — 
 She appears in all publick Places during his Reign. 
 
 Col, She vifited a Lady who boarded in the fame Houfe 
 with me : I lik'd her Perfon, and found an Opportunity 
 to tell her fo. She reply'd, fhe had no Objedtion to 
 mine ; but if I could not reconcile Contradi6lions I muft 
 not think of her, for that fhe was condemned to the Ca- 
 price of four Perfons, who never yet agreed in any one 
 Thing, and fhe was olDliged to pleafe them all. 
 
 ^ Sack, 'Tis moft true, Sir ; Fll give you a fhort Defcrip- 
 tion of the Men, and leave you to judge of the poor 
 Lady's Condition. One is a kind of Virtuofo, a filly half- 
 witted Fellow, but pofitive and furly, fond of every thing 
 antique and foreign, and wears his Cloaths of the Fafhion 
 
 '4 VOL. III. ^ of 
 
2IO A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 of the lafl Century ; doats upon Travellers, and believes 
 more of Sir John Mandeville than he does of the Bible. 
 
 Col.' That mufl be a rare odd Fellow ! 
 
 Sack. Another is a Change Broker ; a Fellow that will 
 out-lie the Devil for the Advantage of Stock, and cheat his 
 Father that got him, in a Bargain ; He is a great Stickler 
 for Trade, and hates every Man that wears a Sword. 
 
 Free. He is a great Admirer of the Dittch Management, 
 and fwears they underfland Trade better than any Nation 
 under the Sun. 
 
 Sack. The Third is an old Beau, that has May in his 
 Fancy and Drefs, but December in his Face and his Heels ; 
 He admires all thenewFafhions,and thofe muftbei^^^;/^"^^ ; 
 loves Operas, Balls, Mafquerades, and is always themoft 
 tawdry of the whole Company on a Birth-Day. 
 
 Col. Thefe are pretty oppofite to one another, truly ! 
 and the Fourth, What is he. Landlord ? 
 
 Sack, A very rigid Quaker, whofe Quarter begun this 
 
 Day. 1 faw Mrs. Lovely go in, not above two Hours 
 
 ago, Sir Philip fet her down. What think you now. 
 
 Colonel, is not the poor Lady to be pitied ? 
 
 Col. Ay, and refcu'd too. Landlord. 
 
 Free. In my Opinion, that's impoffible. 
 
 Col. There is nothing impoffible to a Lover. What 
 would not a Man attempt for a fine Woman and thirty 
 thoufand Pounds ? Befides, my Honour is at Stake ; I 
 promifed to deliver her, — and fhe bid me win her and 
 wear her. 
 
 Sack. That's fair. Faith. 
 
 Free. If it depended upon Knight-errantry, I fhould 
 not doubt your fetting free the Damfel ; but to have Ava- 
 rice, Impertinence, Hypocrify, and Pride, at once to deal 
 with, requires m^ore Cunning than generally attends a 
 Man of Honour. 
 
 Col. My Fancy tells me, I fhall come off with Glory. 
 I refolve to try however. — Do you know all the Guar- 
 dians, Mr. Sackbutl 
 
 Sack. Very well, Sir, they all ufe my Houfe. 
 
 CoL And will you affifl me, if Occafion requires 
 
 Sack. In every thing I can, Colonel. 
 
 Free. I'll anfwer for him ; and whatever I canferveyou 
 in, vou may depend on. I know Mr. Periwinkle and 
 
 Mr. 
 
A Bold Stroke for <^ Wife. 21 t 
 
 Mr. Tradelove ; the latter has a very great Opinion of my 
 
 Interest abroad 1 happen'd to have a Letter from a 
 
 Correfpondent two Hours before the News arrived of the 
 French King's Death : I communicated it to him ; upon 
 which he bought up all the Stock he could, and what 
 with that, and fome Wagers he laid, he told me he had 
 got to the Tune of five hundred Pounds ; fo that I am 
 much in his good Graces. 
 
 CoL I don't know but you may be of Service to me. 
 Freeman. 
 
 Free. If I can, command me. Colonel. 
 
 Col. Ifn't it poffible to find a Suit of Cloaths ready made 
 at fome of thefe Sale-fhops fit to rig out a Beau, think you, 
 Mr. Sackbut ? 
 
 Sack. O hang 'em No, Colonel, they keep nothing 
 
 ready made that a Gentleman would be feen in : But I 
 can fit you with a Suit of Cloaths, if you'd make a Figure 
 
 Velvet and Gold Brocade They were pawn'd to 
 
 me by a French Count, who had been flript at Play, and 
 wanted Money to carry him Home ; he promifed to fend 
 for them, but I have not heard any Thing of him. 
 
 Free. He has not fed upon Frogs long enough yet to 
 recover his Lofs ; ha, ha ! 
 
 Col. Ha, ha ! Well, the Cloaths will do, Mr. Sackbut, 
 
 tho' we muft have three or four Fellows in tawdry 
 
 Liveries : They can be procur'd, I hope. 
 
 Free. Egad ! I have a Brother come from the Weji Indies 
 that can match you ; and, for Expedition-fake, you fhall 
 have his Servants ; There's a Black, a Tawnymoor, and 
 a Frenchman ; they don't fpeak one Word of Engli/h^ fo 
 can make no Miflake. 
 
 Col. Excellent ! Egad ! I fliall look like an Indian 
 
 Prince. Firfl I'll attack my Beau Guardian ; where lives 
 he? 
 
 Sack. Faith, fomewhere about St. Jameses ; tho' to fay 
 in what Street, I cannot ; but any Chairman will tell you 
 where Sir Philip Modelove lives. 
 
 F7'ee. Oh ! you'll find him in the Park at Eleven every 
 Day ; at leaft, I never pafs'd thro' at that Hour without 
 feeing him there — But what do you intend ? 
 
 Col. To addrefs him in his own Way, and find what he 
 defigns to do with the Lady. 
 
 Free. 
 
212 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Free, And what then ? 
 
 CoL Nay, that I cannot tell ; but I (hall take my Mea- 
 fures accordingly. 
 
 Sack. Well, 'tis a mad Undertaking, in my Mind : But 
 here's to your Succefs, Colonel. {Drinks, 
 
 CoL 'Tis fomething out of the Way, I confefs ; but 
 Fortune may chance to fmile, and I fucceed. Come, 
 Landlord, let me fee thofe Coaths. Freeman^ I fhall ex- 
 pe6l you'll leave Word with Mr. Sackbut^ where one may 
 find you upon Occafion ; and fend me the Indian Equi- 
 page immediately, d'ye hear 1 
 
 Free, Immediately. \^Exit, 
 
 Col. Bold was the Man who ventured firji to Sea, 
 But the firJi venfring Lovers bolder were. 
 The Path of Lovers a dark and dangerous Way, 
 Without a Land77iark, or one friendly Star, 
 And he that runs the Rifque deferves the Fair, [Exit. 
 
 S C E N E II. Prim'^ Houfe. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Lovely, a7id her Maid Betty. 
 
 Betty. Blefs me, Madam ! Why do you fret and teaze 
 yourfelf fo t This is giving them the Advantage with a 
 Witnefs. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Muft I be condemned all my Life to the pre- 
 poflerous Humours of other People, and pointed at by 
 every Boy in Town ? — Oh ! I could tear my Flefh, and 
 curfe the Hour I was born. — Isn't it monflroufly ridiculous, 
 that they fliould defire to impofe their Quaking Drefs 
 upon me at thefe Years 1 When I was a Child, no Matter 
 what they made me wear, but now 
 
 Betty. I would refolve againfl it, Madam ; I'd fee 'em 
 hang'd before I'd put on the pinch'd Cap again. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Then I mufl never expecfl one Moment's 
 Eafe : She has rung fuch a Peal in my Ears already, that 
 I fhant have the right Ufe of them this Month, — What 
 can I do 1 
 
 Betty. What can you 7tot do, if you will but give your 
 Mind to it ? Marry, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. What ! and have my Fortune go to build 
 Churches and Hofpitals t 
 
 Betty. Why, let it go. — If the Colonel loves you, as he 
 
 pretends, 
 
A Bold Stroke for W i f e. 213 
 
 pretends, he'll marry you without a Fortune, Madam ; 
 and I affure you a ColoneFs Lady is no defpicable Thing ; 
 a Colonel's Pofl will maintain you like a Gentlewoman, 
 Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. So you would advife me to give up my own 
 Fortune, and throw myfelf upon the Colonel's. 
 
 Betty, I would advife you to make yourfelf eafy 
 Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, That's not the Way, I'm fure. No, no, 
 Girl, there are certain Ingredients to be mingled with 
 Matrimony, without which I may as well change for the 
 worfe as the better. When the Woman has Fortune 
 enough to make the Man happy, if he has either Honour 
 or good Manners, he'll make her eafy. Love makes 
 but a flovenly Figure in a Houfe where Poverty keeps the 
 Door. 
 
 Betty, And fo you refolve to die a Maid, do you. Ma- 
 dam ? 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Or have it in my Power to make the Man 
 I love Mafler of my Fortune. 
 
 Betty, Then you don't like the Colonel fo well as I 
 thought you did, Madam, or you would not take fuch a 
 Refolution. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, It is becaufe I do like him, Betty ^ that I do 
 take fuch a Refolution. 
 
 Betty. Why, do you expecfl, Madam, that the Colonel 
 can work Miracles ? Is it poffible for him to marry you 
 with the Confent of all your Guardians ? 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Or he muft not marry me at all : And fo I 
 told him ; and he did not feem difpleafed with the News. 
 He promifed to fet me free ; and I, on that Condi- 
 tion, promifed to make him Mafler of that Freedom. 
 
 Betty. Well ! I have read of enchanted Caflles, Ladies 
 delivered from the Chains of Magick, Giants kiil'd, and 
 Monflers overcome ; fo that I fhould be the lefs furprized 
 if the Colonel fliould conjure you out of the Power of your 
 four Guardians ; if he does, I am fure he deferves your 
 Fortune. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. And fhall have it, Girl, if it were ten Times 
 
 as much For I'll ingenuoufly confefs to thee, that I do 
 
 like the Colonel above all Men I ever faw : There's 
 
 fomething fo Jantee in a Soldier, a Kind of Je ne fcaiquoi 
 
 Air, 
 
2 14 ^ Bold Stroke for a Wife, 
 
 Air, that makes 'em more agreeable than the reft of Man- 
 kind. — They command Regard, as who fhould fay, We 
 are your Defenders. We preferve your Beauties from the 
 Infults of rude and unpohfh'd Foes, and ought to be pre- 
 ferred before thofe lazy indolent Mortals, who, by drop- 
 ping into their Father's Eftate, fet up their Coaches, and 
 think to rattle themfelves into our Affedlions. 
 
 Betty, Nay, Madam, I confefs that the Army has en- 
 groffed all the prettieft Fellows. — A laced Coat and Fea- 
 ther have irrefiftible Charms. 
 
 Mrs, Lov, But the Colonel has all the Beauties of the 
 Mind as well as the Body. O, all ye Powers that fa- 
 vour happy Lovers, grant that he may be mine ! Thou 
 God of Love, if thou be'ft aught but Name, affift my 
 FainwelL 
 
 Point all thy Darts to aid his juji defign, 
 
 And make his Plots as prevalent as thine, [Exit, 
 
 ACT II. SCENE I. 
 
 SCENE the Park. 
 
 Enter Colonel finely drejl^ three Footmen after him. 
 Col, O O now, if I can but meet this Beau ! — Egad ! me- 
 O thinks I cut a fmart Figure, and have as much 
 of the tawdry Air as ^.ny Italian Count, or ^m^^/^ Marqude 
 of them all — Sure I fhall know this Knight again. — Ah ! 
 yonder he fits making Love to a Mafk, i'faith, FU walk 
 up the Mall, and come down by him. {Exit, 
 
 Scene draws^ and dif covers Sir Philip upon a Bench, with 
 a Woman mask d. 
 Sir Phil, Well but, my Dear, are you really conftant to 
 your Keeper.? 
 
 Wo?n, Yes, really, Sir, Hey day ! Who comes yon- 
 der .f* He cuts a mighty Figure. 
 
 Sir Phil, Ha ! a Stranger, by his Equipage keeping fo 
 clofe at his Heels. — He has the Appearance of a Man of 
 Quality, — Pofitively French, by his dancing Air. 
 
 Worn, He croffes, as if he meant to fit down here. 
 
 Sir 
 
A Bold Stroke for ^ W i f e. 215 
 
 Sir Phil. He has a Mind to make love to thee, Child, 
 Enter Colonel^andf eats himf elf upon the Bench by Sir Philip, 
 
 Wo7n. It will be to no Purpofe if he does. 
 
 Sir Phil. Are you refolv'd to be cruel then ? 
 
 Col. You mufl be very cruel indeed if you can deny 
 any Thing to fo fine a Gentleman, Madam. 
 
 \Takes out his Watch 
 
 Worn. I never mind the Outfide of a Man. 
 
 Col. And Fm afraid thou art no judge of the Infide. 
 
 Sir Phil. I am pofitively of your Mind, Sir, for Crea- 
 tures of her Fundiion feldom penetrate beyond the Pocket. 
 
 IVojn, Creatures of your Compofition have, indeed, ge- 
 nerally more in their Pockets than in their Heads. [AJlde» 
 
 Sir Phil. Pray what fays your Watch ? mine is down. 
 
 [Pulling otU his Watch, 
 
 Col. I want thirty-fix Minutes of Twelve, Sir. — 
 
 [Puts up his Watchj and takes out his Snuff box. 
 
 Sir Phil, May I prefume, Sir.'* 
 
 Col. Sir, you honour me. [prefeuting the Box, 
 
 Sir Phil. He fpeaks good Engli/h^ — tho' he mufl be a 
 Foreigner — This Snuff is extremely good, — and the Box 
 prodigious fine ; the Work is French, I prefume, Sir. 
 
 Col. I bought it in Paris ^ Sir. — I do think the Work- 
 manfhip pretty neat. 
 
 Sir Phil. Neat ! 'tis exquifitely fine. Sir. Pray, Sir, if 
 I may take the Liberty of enquiring, — What Country is 
 fo happy to claim the Birth of the fineft Gentleman in the 
 Univerfe France., I prefume. 
 
 Col. Then you don't think me an Engli/Iunaii? 
 
 Sir Phil. No, upon my Soul don't I. 
 
 Col. I arn forry for't. 
 
 Sir Phil. Impoffible you fhould wilh to be an EngliJJt- 
 man ! Pardon me, Sir, this Ifiand could not produce a 
 Perfon of fuch Alertnefs. 
 
 Col. As this Mirror fhews you, Sir. 
 
 [puts tip a Pocket-Glafs to Sir Philip'j" Face, 
 
 Worn. Coxcombs ! I'm fick to hear them praife one an- 
 other. One feldom gets any Thing by fuch Animals, 
 not even a Dinner, unlefs one can dine upon Soop and 
 Celery. 
 
 Sir 
 
2i6 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Sir Phil, O Gad, Sir ! — Will you leave us, Madam ? 
 Ha ha! 
 
 Col, She fears 'twill be only lofing Time to flay here, 
 ha, ha ! I know not how to dillinguifh you, Sir, but your 
 Mien and Addrefs fpeak you Right Honourable. 
 
 Sir Phil. Thus great Souls judge of others by them- 
 felves, — I am only adorn'd with Knighthood, thafs all, I 
 do affure you, Sir ; my Name is Sir Philip Modelove, 
 
 Col, Of French Extra6lion ? 
 
 Sir Phil, My Father was French, 
 
 Col. One may plainly perceive it. — There is a certain 
 Gaiety peculiar to my Nation (for I will own myfelf a 
 Frenchmari) which diflinguifhes us every where. — A Per- 
 fon of your Figure would be a vafl Addition to a Coronet. 
 
 Sir Phil, I mufl own I had the Offer of a Barony about 
 five Years ago, but I abhorr'd the Fatigue which mufl 
 have attended it. — I could never yet bring myfelf to join 
 with either Party. 
 
 Col, You are perfe6lly in the Right, Sir Philip., — a 
 fine Perfon fhould not embark himfelf in the flovenly Con- 
 cern of Politicks : Drefs and Pleafure are Objects proper 
 for the Soul of a fine Gentleman. 
 
 Sir Phil, And Love.- 
 
 Col, Oh ! that's included under the Article of Pleafure. 
 
 Sir Phil, Parbleu il ejlun Ho7nnie d^Efprits^ I mufl em- 
 brace you, — {rifes a7td embraces) — Your Sentiments are fo 
 agreeable to mine, that we appear to have but one Soul, 
 for our Ideas and Conceptions are the fame. 
 
 Col, I fhould be forry for that, {qfide.) — You do me 
 too much Honour, Sir Philip, 
 
 Sir Phil, Your Vivacity and janlee Mien affured me at 
 firfl Sight there was nothing of this foggy Ifland in your 
 Compofition. May I crave your Name, Sir ; 
 
 Col, My Name is La Fainwell^ Sir, at your Service. 
 
 Sir Phil, The La Painwells are French^ I know ; tho' 
 the Name is become very numerous in Great-Britain of 
 
 late Years. 1 was fure you was French the Moment I 
 
 laid my Eyes upon you : I could not come into the Sup- 
 pofition of your being an Eitglijhman : This liland pro- 
 duces few fuch Ornaments. 
 
 Col, Pardon me, Sir Philip^Xhis Ifland has two Things 
 fuperior to all Nations under the Sun. 
 
 Sir 
 
A Bold Stroke for ^ Wife. 217 
 
 Sir Phil. Ah ! what are they ? 
 CoL The Ladies, and the Laws. 
 
 Sir PhiL The Laws, indeed, do claim a Preference of 
 other Nations, — but, by my Soul, there are fine Women 
 every where. — I muft own I have felt their Power in all 
 Countries. 
 
 CoL There are fomefinifh'd Beauties I confefs, in France^ 
 Italy^ Germany, nay even in Holland^ 7nais font Men rare : 
 But les Belles Angloifes ! —Oh, Sir Philip, where find we 
 fuch Women ! fuch a Symmetry of Shape ! fuch Elegancy 
 of Drefs ! fuch Regularity of Features ! fuch Sweetnefs 
 of Temper ! fuch commanding Eyes I and fuch bewitch- 
 ing Smiles. 
 
 Sir Phil, Ah ! parbleau vous ejlez attraper, 
 CoL Non^je vous ajpure, Chevalier. But I declare there 
 is no Amufement fo agreeable to my Gout, as the Conver- 
 fation of a fine Woman, — I could never be prevailed upon 
 to enter into what the Vulgar calls the Pleafure of the 
 Bottle. 
 
 Sir PhiL My own Tafle, pofUivement. — A Ball, or a 
 Mafquerade, is certainly preferable to all the Produdlions 
 of the Vineyard. 
 
 CoL Infinitely ! I hope the People of Quality in Eng- 
 land will fupport that Branch of Pleafure, which was im- 
 ported with their Peace, and fince naturalized by the inge- 
 nious Mr. Heidegger. 
 
 Sir PhiL The Ladies affure me it will become Part of 
 the Conflitution. — Upon which I fubfcribed an hundred 
 Guineas. — It will be of great Service to the Publick, at 
 leaft to the Company of Surgeons ; and the City in ge- 
 neral. 
 
 CoL Ha, ha ! it may help to enoble the Blood of the 
 City. Are you married, Sir Philip ? 
 
 Sir Phil. No ; nor do I believe I ever fhall enter into 
 that honourable State : I have an abfolute Tendre for the 
 whole Sex. 
 
 CoL That's more than they have for you, I dare fwear. 
 
 S^Afide, 
 
 Sir PhiL And I have the Honour to be very well with 
 the Ladies, I can affure you, Sir ; and I won't affront a 
 Million of fine Women to make oiie happy. 
 
 CoL Nay, Marriage is reducing a Man's Tafte to a Kind 
 K of 
 
2 1 8 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 of half Pleafure ; iDut then it carries the Bleffing of Peace 
 along with it ; one goes to fleep without Fear, and wakes 
 without Pain. 
 
 Sir PhiL There's fomething of that in't ; a Wife is a 
 very good Difh for an Engli/h Stomach, — but grofs 
 Feeding for nicer Palates, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Col. I find I was very much miflaken, 1 imagined, 
 
 you had been married to that young Lady whom I faw in 
 the Chariot with you this Morning in Grace-church-Street. 
 
 Sir PhiL Who, Nancy Lovely ? I am a Piece of a 
 Guardian to that Lady : You mufl know, her Father, I 
 thank him, joined me with three of the mofl prepoflerous 
 
 old Fellows, that, upon my Soul, I am in Pain for the 
 
 poor Girl ; — fhe muft certainly lead Apes, as the Saying 
 is ; ha, ha ! 
 
 Col. That's Pity, Sir Philip. If the Lady would give 
 me Leave, I would endeavour to avert that Curfe. 
 
 Sir Phil. As to the Lady, fhe'd gladly be rid of us at 
 any Rate, I believe ; but here's the Mifchief, he who 
 marries Mifs Lovely mufl have the Confent of all 
 four, — or not a Penny of her Portion. — For my Part, I 
 
 fhall never approve of any but a Man of Figure, and 
 
 the refl are not only averfe to Cleanlinefs, but have each 
 peculiar Tafle to gratify. — For my Part, I declare I would 
 prefer you to all Men I ever faw. 
 
 Col. And I her to all Women 
 
 Sir Phil. I affure you, Mr. Fainwell, I am for marry- 
 ing her, for I hate the Trouble of a Guardian, efpecially 
 among fuch Wretches ; but refolve never to agree to the 
 
 Choice of any one of them, and I fancy they'll be 
 
 even with me, for they never came into any Propofal of 
 mine yet. 
 
 Col. I wifh I had your Leave to try them. Sir Philip. 
 
 Sir Phil. With all my Soul, Sir, I can refufe a Perfon 
 of your Appearance nothing. 
 
 Col. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you. 
 
 Sir Phil. But do you really like Matrimony ? 
 
 Col. I believe I could with Lady, Sir. 
 
 Sir Phil. The only Point in which we differ — But you 
 are Mafler of fo many Qualifications, that I can excufe 
 one Fault ; for I mufl think it a Fault in a fine Gentle- 
 man ; and that you are fuch, I'll give it under my Hand. 
 
 Col, 
 
A Bold Stroke for ^ W i f e. 219 
 
 Col. I wifh you'd give me your Confent to marry Mrs. 
 Lovely^ under your Hand, Sir Philip, 
 
 Sir Phil, ril do't, if you'll flep into St. James's Coffee- 
 
 hou/e, where we may have Pen and Ink ; tho' I can't 
 
 forfee what Advantage my Confent will be to you, with- 
 out you could find a Way to get the refl of the Guardians. 
 — But I'll introduce you, however ; flie is now at a 
 Quaker's, where I carried her this Morning, when you 
 faw us in Gracechurch Jlreet^ — I affure you fhe has an odd 
 Ragout of Guardians, as you will find when you hear the 
 Charadlers, which I'll endeavour to give you as we go a- 
 long. — Hey! Pier7'e^Jacque, Rennol — Where are you 
 all, Scoundrels 1 — Order the Chariot to St, James's Cof- 
 ^ee-houfe. 
 
 Col, Le Noir, la Brun, la Blanc, Marbleu^ ou font 
 
 ces Coquins la ? A lions , Monfieur le Chevalie7\ 
 Sir Phil, Ah ! Pardonnez inoy^ Mon/ieur, 
 Col, Not one Step, upon my Soul, Sir Philip, 
 Sir Phil, The bell: bred Man in Europe^ pofitively. \Ex. 
 
 SCENE changes to Obadiah Primes Houfe. 
 
 Enter Mrs, Lovely, followed by Mrs, Prim. 
 
 Mrs. Prim. Then thou wilt not obey me : And thou 
 dofl really think thofe Fallals become thee ? 
 Mrs. Love. 1 do, indeed. 
 
 Mrs. Prim. Now will I be judged by allfober People, if 
 I don't look more like a modefl Woman than thou doft, 
 
 Anne ? 
 
 Mrs. Lov, More like a Hypocrite you mean, Mrs. Prim, 
 
 Mrs. Prim, Ah! Anne, Anne, \\\2it v^ickcdi Philip Mode- 
 love will undo thee. Satan fo fills thy Heart with Pride, 
 
 during the three Months of his Guardianfhip, that thou 
 becomeft a Stumbling-Block to the Upright. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Pray, who are they ? Are the pinch'd Cap 
 and formal Hood the Emblems of San6lity.f* Does your 
 Virtue confiflin your Drefs, Mrs. Prim ? 
 
 Mrs. Prim, It doth not confift in cut Hair, fpotted Face 
 and bare Necks. Oh, the Wickednefs of the Genera- 
 tion ! The primitive Women knew not the Abomination 
 of hoop'd Petticoats. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, No, nor the Abomination of Cant neither. 
 
 K 2 Don't 
 
2 20 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Don't tell me, Mrs. Prim^ don't. 1 know you have as 
 
 much Pride, Vanity, Self-conceit, and Ambition among 
 you, couched under that formal Habit, and fancftified 
 Countenance, as the proudeft of us all ; but the World 
 begins to fee your Prudery. 
 
 Mrs. Priin, Prudery ! What ! do they invent new^ Words 
 as v^ell as new Fafhions .'^ Ah ! poor fantaflick Age, I pi- 
 ty thee. — Poor deluded An7ie^ which dofl thou think mofl 
 refembleft the Saint, and which the Sinner, thy Drefs or 
 mine 1 Thy naked Bofom allureth the Eye of the By- 
 
 flander, — encourageth the Frailty of human Nature, 
 
 and corrupteth the Soul with evil Longings. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. And, pray, who corrupted your Son Tobias 
 with evil Longings ? Your Maid Tabitha wore a Handker- 
 chief, and yet he made the Saint a Sinner. 
 
 Mrs. Prim. Well, well, fpit thy Malice — I confefs Sa- 
 tan did buffet my Son Tobias^ and my Servant Tabitha ; 
 the evil Spirit was at that Time too flrong, and they both 
 
 became fubjedl to its Workings, not from any outward 
 
 Provocation, — but from an inward Call ; he was not 
 
 tainted with the Rottenefs of the Fafhions, nor did his 
 Eyes take in the Drunkennefs of Beauty. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, No ! that's plainly to be feen. 
 
 Mrs. Prim, Tabitha is one of the Faithful ; he fell not 
 with a Stranger. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, So ! Then you hold Wenching no Crime, 
 
 provided it be within the Pale of your own Tribe. 
 
 You are an excellent Cafuift truly. 
 
 Enter Obadiah Prim. 
 
 Ob, Prim, Not flripp'd of thy Vanity, yet, A7ine ! Why 
 dofh thou not make her put it off, Sarah ? 
 Mrs. Prim, She will not do it. 
 
 Ob, Prim, Verily, thy naked Breafls troubleth my out- 
 ward Man ; I pray thee hide ^QmA7ine : Put on an Hand- 
 kerchief, Anne Lovely, 
 
 Mrs. Lov, I hate Handkerchiefs when 'tis not cold 
 Weather, Mr. Prim, 
 
 Mrs, Prim. I have feen thee wear an Handkerchief ; 
 nay, and a Mafk to boot, in the Middle of yuly, 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Ay, to keep the Sun from fcorching me. 
 
 Ob. Pr. If thou couldfl not bear the Sun-Beams, how 
 
 doa 
 
A Bold Stroke for Wife. 221 
 
 dofl thou think Man would fear thy Beams ? Thofe 
 Breafls inflame Defire, let them be hid, I fay. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Let me be quiet, I fay. Mufl I be tor- 
 mented thus for ever 1 Sure no Woman's Condition ever 
 equalled mine 1 Foppery, Folly, Avarice and Hypocrify 
 
 are, by Turns, my conftant Companions, and I muft 
 
 vary Shapes as often as a Player. — I cannot think my Fa- 
 ther meant this Tyranny ! No, you ufurp an Authority 
 which he never intended you fhould take. 
 
 Ob, Pr. Hark thee, do'fl thou call good Coimfel Ty- 
 ranny ? Do I, or my Wife, tyrannize, when we defire 
 thee in all Love to put off thy tempting Attire, and veil 
 thy Provokers to Sin ? 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Deliver me, good Heaven ! or I fhall go 
 diflra(fted. [M^alks about, 
 
 Mrs. Pr, So ! now thy Pinners are toft, and thy Breafts 
 
 pulled up ; verily they were feen enough before. 
 
 Fie upon the filthy Taylor who made the Stays. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I vvifh I were in my Grave ! Kill me rather 
 than treat me thus. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Kill thee ? ha, ha ! thou thinkeft thou art a6l- 
 ing fome lewd Play fure : Kill thee ! Art thou pre- 
 pared for Death, A?zne Lovely ? No, no, thou would'ft 
 
 rather have a Hufband, Anne : Thou wanteft a gilt 
 
 Coach, with fix lazy Fellows behind, to flant it in the 
 Ring of Vanity, among the Princes and Rulers of the 
 Land, who pamper themfelves with the Fatnefs there- 
 of ; but I will take Care that none fhall fquander away 
 thy Father's Eftate. Thou fhall marry none fuch, Anne, 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Wou'd you marry me to one of your own 
 canting Se6l. 
 
 Ob, Pr, Yea, verily, no one elfe fhall ever get my Con- 
 fent, I do affure thee, Ajine, 
 
 Mrs. Lov. And I do affure thee, Obadiah^ that I will 
 as foon turn Papift, and die in a Convent. 
 
 Mrs. Pr, Oh Wickednefs ! 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Oh Stupidity ! 
 
 Ob, Pr, Oh Blindnefs of Heart ! 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Thou Blinder of the World, don't provoke 
 me^ — left I betray your Sanctity, and leave your Wife to 
 judge of your Purity : — What were the Emotions of your 
 Spirit — when you fqueez'd Mary by the Hand laft Night 
 K3 in 
 
2 2 2 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 in the Pantry when fhe told you, you buffd fo fil- 
 thily ? Ah ! you had no Averfion to naked Bofoms, when 
 you begged her to fhew you a little, little, little Bit of 
 
 her delicious Bubby : Don't you remember thefe 
 
 Words, Mr. Prim. 
 
 Mrs. Pri7n, What does Ihe fay, Obadiah ? 
 
 Ob. Pr. She talketh unintelligibly, Sarah. Which 
 Way did fhe hear this ? This fhould not havereach'd the 
 Ears of the wicked Ones : — Verily, it troubleth me. 
 
 \Afcde. 
 
 Enter Servant, 
 Serv. Philip Modelove, whom they call Sir Philip ^ is 
 below, and fuch another with him, fhall I fend them up ? 
 Ob. Pr. Yea. 
 
 Enter Sir Philip and Colonel. 
 Sir Phil. How dofb thou do, Friend Prim ? Odfo ! my 
 She- Friend here too ! What you are documenting Mifs 
 NaTicy, reading her a Ledlure upon the pinch'd Coif, I 
 warrant ye. 
 
 Mrs. Pr. I am fure thou did'ft never read her any Lec- 
 ture that was good My Flefh rifeth fo at thefe wicked 
 
 Ones, that Prudence advifeth me to withdraw from their 
 Sight. [Exit. 
 
 Col. Oh ! that I could find Means to fpeak with her ! 
 How charming fhe appears ! I wifh I could get this Letter 
 into her Hand. {^AJlde, 
 
 Six Phil. Well, Mifs Cockey, I hope thou hafl got the 
 better of them. 
 
 Mrs. Lav. The Difficulties of my Life are not to be fur- 
 mounted, Sir Philip. 1 hate the Impertinence of him, 
 
 as much as the Stupidity of the other. [AJlde. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Verily, Philip, thou wilt fpoil this Maiden. 
 
 Sir Phil. I find we ftill differ in Opinion ; but that we 
 may none of us fpoil her, prithee Pr/M, let us confent to 
 
 marry her. 1 have fent for our Brother Guardians to 
 
 meet me here about this very Thing Madam, will you 
 
 give me leave to recommend a Hufband to you ? 
 
 Here's a Gentleman, whom in my Mind, you can have 
 no Obje6lion to. 
 
 \Prefents the Colonel to her, /he looks another Way. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Heaven deliver me from the formal, and the 
 fantaflick fool ! 
 
 Col. 
 
A Bold Stroke foi" ^ Wife. 223 
 
 CoL A fine Woman, a fine Horfe, and fine Equi- 
 page, are the fmefl Things in the Univerfe : And if I am 
 fo happy to poffefs you, Madam, I fhall become the En- 
 vy of Mankind, as much as you outfhine your whole Sex. 
 
 S^As he takes hei^" Hand to kz/s it, he endeavours 
 
 to put a Letter into it ; /lie lets it drop 
 
 Prim takes it up. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I have no Ambition to appear confpicuoufly 
 ridiculous, Sir. \Turningfro7n him. 
 
 Col. So fall the Hopes of Fainwell ! 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Ha ! Fainwell ! 'tis he ! What have I done ? 
 Prim has the Letter, and it will be difcover'd. \Afide. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Friend, I know not thy Name, fo I cannot call 
 thee by it ; but thou feeft thy Letter is unwelcome to the 
 Maiden, fhe will not read it. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Nor fhall you ; {fnatches the Letter) 111 tear 
 it in a thoufand Pieces, and fcatter it, as I will the Hopes 
 of all thofe that any of you fhall recommend to me. 
 
 [ Tears the Letter. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ha ! Right Woman, Faith ? 
 
 CoL Excellent Woman. {^Afide. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Friend, thy Garb favoureth too much of the 
 Vanity of the Age for my Approbation ; nothing that re- 
 
 fembleth P^///^ Modelove fhall I love, mark that ; 
 
 therefore, Friend Philip, bring no more of thy own Apes 
 under my Roof. 
 
 Sir Phil. I am fo entirely a Stranger to the Monflers 
 of thy Breed, that I fhall bring none of them I am fure. 
 
 Col. I am likely to have a pretty Tafk by that Time I 
 have gone thro' them all ; but fhe's a City worth taking, 
 and 'egad EH carry on the Siege : If I can but blow up 
 the Out-works, I fancy I am pretty fecure of the Town. 
 
 {Afide. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 Serv. Toby Periwinkle and Thoinas Tradelove demand- 
 eth to fee thee. \To Sir Philip. 
 
 Sir Phil. Bid them come up. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Deliver me from fuch an Inundation of Noiie 
 and Nonfenfe. Oh Fainwell ! whatever thy Contrivance 
 
 be, profper it Heaven ; but oh ! I fear thou never 
 
 canft redeem me. S^Exit. 
 
 '^xx Phil. Sic tran/it Gloria Mundi ! 
 
 K 4 Enter 
 
2 24 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Enter Mr, Periwinkle and Tradelove. 
 
 Thefe are my Brother Guardians, Mr. Fainwell^ prithee 
 obferve the Creatures. {Afide to Col. 
 
 Trad, Well, Sir Philips I obey your Summons. 
 
 Per, Pray, what have you to offer for the Good of Mrs. 
 Lovely^ Sir Philip ? 
 
 Sir Phil, Firft I defire to know what you intend to do 
 with that Lady Mufl fhe be fent to the Indies for a Ven- 
 ture, — or live to be an old Maid, and then enter'd amongfl 
 your Curiofities, and fhewn for a Monfler, Mr. Periwinkle ? 
 
 Col, Humph, Curiofities, that mufl be the Virtuofo. 
 
 {Afide, 
 
 Per, Why what wou'd you do with her 1 
 
 Sir Phil, I would recommend this Gentleman to her for 
 
 a Hufband. Sir, a Perfon whom I have picked out 
 
 from the whole Race of Mankind. 
 
 Ob. Pr, I would advife thee to fhuffle him again with 
 the refl of Mankind, for I like him not. 
 
 Col, Pray, Sir, without Offence to your Formality, what 
 may be your Objedlions ? 
 
 Ob. Pr, Thy Perfon ; thy Manners ; thy Drefs ; thy 
 Acquaintance ; thy every Thing, Friend. 
 
 Sir Phil, You are mod particularly obliging, Friend, ha, 
 ha! 
 
 Trade, What Bufmefs do you follow, pray Sir ? 
 
 Col, Humph, by that Queflion he muft be the Broker. 
 {Afide) — Bufmefs, Sir ! the Bufmefs of a Gentleman. 
 
 Trade, That is as much as to fay, you drefs fine, feed 
 high, lie with every Woman you like, and pay your Sur- 
 geon's Bills better than your Taylor's or your Butcher's. 
 
 Col, The Court is much oblig'd to you. Sir, for your 
 Charadler of a Gentleman. 
 
 Trade, The Court, Sir ! What wou'd the Court do with- 
 out us Citizens ? 
 
 Sir Phil, Without your Wives and Daughters, you 
 mean, Mr. Tradelove, 
 
 Per, Have you ever travelled. Sir? 
 
 CoL That Queflion mufl not be anfwer'd now In 
 
 Books I have. Sir. 
 
 Per. In Books ! That's tine travelling indeed ! Sir 
 
 Philip, when you prefent a Perfon I like, he fhall have my 
 
 Confent 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 225 
 
 Confent to marry Mrs. Lovely, ^till when your Servant. 
 
 lExiL 
 
 Col. I'll make you like me before I have done with you, 
 or Pm miflaken. [Afide. 
 
 Trad, And when you can convince me that a Beau is 
 more ufeful to my Country than a Merchant, you fhall 
 have mine ; 'till then you muft excufe me. \Exit. 
 
 Col, So much for Trade I'll fit you too. {^Afide. 
 
 Sir Phil, In my Opinion, this is very inhuman Treat- 
 ment, as to the Lady, Mr. Prim, 
 
 Ob. Pr, Thy Opinion and mine happens to differ as 
 much as our Occupations, Friend ; Bufmefs requireth my 
 Prefence, and Folly thine ; and fo I muft bid thee farewel. 
 
 Sir Phil, Here's Breeding for you, Mr. Fainwell I 
 
 Gad take me. 
 
 Half viy EJlate Pd give to fee ^em bit. 
 Col. / hope to bite ye all, if my Plot hit. [Exit. 
 
 ACT III. SCENE I. 
 
 SCENE the Tavern \ Sackbut and the Colonel in an 
 Egyptian Drefs, 
 
 Sack. A Lucky Beginning, Colonel you have got 
 
 i \ the old Beau's Confent. 
 
 Col, Ay, he's a reafonable Creature ; but the other 
 three will require fome Pains. — Shall I pafs upon him, 
 think you ? Egad, in my Mind, I look as antique as if I 
 had been preferv'd in the Ark. 
 
 Sack. Pafs upon him ! ay, ay, as roundly as White- wine 
 dafh'd with Sack does for Mountain aud Sherry, if you 
 have Affurance enough. 
 
 Col. I have no Apprehenfion from that Quarter ; Affu- 
 rance is the Cockade of a Soldier. 
 
 Sack. Ay, but the Affurance of a Soldier differs much 
 
 from that of a Traveller. Can you lye with a good 
 
 Grace ? 
 
 Col. As heartily, when my Miflrefs is the Prize, as I 
 would meet the Foe when my Country call'd, and King 
 ^5 VOL. III. K 5 com- 
 
2 26 A Bold Stroke fo7^ a Wife. 
 
 commanded ; fo don't you fear that Part ; if he don't know 
 me again, I'm fafe — - 1 hope he'll come. 
 
 Sack. I wifh all my Debts would come as fure ; I told 
 him you had been a great Traveller, had many valuable 
 Curiofities, and was a Perfon of a mod fmgular Tafle ; he 
 seem'd tranfported, and begg'd me to keep you till he came. 
 
 Col. Ay, ay, he need not fear my running away — Let's 
 have a Bottle of Sack, Landlord, our Anceflors drank Sack. 
 
 Sack. You fhall have it. 
 
 CoL And where-abouts is the Trap-door you men- 
 tioned ? 
 
 Sack. There's the Conveyance, Sir. [^Exif. 
 
 Col. Now if I fhould cheat all thefe roguish Guardians, 
 and carry off my Miftrefs in Triumph, it w^ould be what 
 the French call a Grand Coup Eclat — Odfo ! here comes 
 Periwinkle Ah 1 duce take this Beard ; pray Jupi- 
 ter it does not give me the Slip, and fpoil all. 
 
 E7iter Sackbut with Wine, and Periwinkle following. 
 
 Sack. Sir, this Gentleman hearing you have been a 
 great Traveller, and a Perfon of fine Speculation, begs 
 Leave to take a Glafs with you ; he is a Man of a curious 
 Tafle himfelf. 
 
 Col. The Gentleman has it in his Face and Garb ; Sir, 
 you are w^elcome. 
 
 Per. Sir, I honour a Traveller, and Men of your en- 
 quiring Difpofition ; the Oddness of your Habit pleafes me 
 extreamly ; 'tis very antique, and for that I like it. 
 
 Col. 'Tis very antique. Sir : — This Habit once belong'd 
 to the famous Claudius Ptolemeus, who liv'd in the Year 
 a Hundred and Thirty-five. 
 
 Sack. If he keeps up with the Sample, he fhall lye with 
 the Devil for a Bean-ftack, and win it every Straw. \^A/lde. 
 
 Per. A Hundred and Thirty-five ! why, that's prodigious 
 now ! — Well, certainly 'tis the finefl Thing in the 
 World to be a Traveller. 
 
 Col. For my Part I value none of the modern Fafhions 
 of a Fig- Leaf. 
 
 Per. No more don't I, Sir ; I had rather be the Jefl of 
 a Fool, than his Favourite, — I am laugh'd at here for my 
 Singularity This Coat, you mufl know, Sir, was for- 
 merly 
 
A Bold Stroke for <^ W i f e. 227 
 
 merly worn by that ingenious and very learned Perfon, Mr 
 yohn Tradefcaftt of Lambeth. 
 
 Col. John Trade/cant I Let me embrace you, Sir, — John 
 Trade/cant was my Uncle, by Mother-fide ; and I thank 
 you for the Honour you do his Memory ; he was a very 
 curious Man indeed. 
 
 Per. Your Uncle, Sir, — nay then, 'tis no Wonder that 
 your Tafle is fo refined ; why you have it in your Blood. 
 
 My humble Service to you. Sir, to the immortal 
 
 Memory of John T?'ade/cant, your never-to-be-forgotten 
 Uncle. \Drinks, 
 
 Col. Give me a Glafs, Landlord. 
 
 Per. I find you are primitive, even in your Wine ; C<2- 
 ^^z;^/ was the Drink of our wife Forefathers, 'tis Balfamick, 
 and faves the Charge of Tothecaries Cordials — Oh ! that 
 I had liv'd in your Uncle's Days ! or rather, that he were 
 now alive ; — Oh ! how proud he'd be of fuch a Nephew ! ' 
 
 Sack. Oh Pox ! that would have fpoil'd the Jeft. [Afide. 
 
 Per. A Perfon of your Curiofity mufl have colle6led 
 many Rarities. 
 
 Col. I have fome. Sir, which are not yet come afhore, 
 as an Egyptian Idol. 
 
 Per. Pray, what might that be ? 
 
 Col. It is, Sir, a Kind of an Ape, which they formerly 
 worfhipp'd in that Country, I took it from the Breaft of a 
 female Mummy. 
 
 Per. Ha, ha, our Women retain Part of their Idolatry 
 to this Day, for many an Ape lies on a Lady^s Breafl, ha, 
 ha. 
 
 Sack. A fmart old Thief. {^Afide, 
 
 Col. T\YoTu(ksoi an I:/ippopotamus,twoF3,iro{ Chinefe 
 Nut-crackers^ and one Egyptian Mummy. 
 
 Per. Pray, Sir, have you never a Crocodile ? 
 
 Col. Humph ! the Boatfwain brought one with Defign 
 to fhew it, but touching at Rotterdaiii^ and hearing it was 
 no Rarity in England^ he fold it to a Dutch Poet. 
 
 Sack. The Devil's in that Nation, it rivals us in every 
 Thing. 
 
 Per. I fhould have been very glad to haA^e feen a living 
 Crocodile. 
 
 Col. My Genius led me to Things more worthy of Re- 
 gard. — Sir, I have feen the utmoft Limits nf this globular 
 K 6 World : 
 
228 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 World ; I have feen the Sun rife and fet ; know in what 
 Degree of Heat he is at Noon, to the Breadth of a Hair, 
 and what Quantity of Cumbuftibles he burns in a Day, 
 how much it turns to Afhes, and how much to Cinders. 
 
 Per, To Cinders 1 You amaze me, Sir ; I never heard 
 that the Sun confum'd any Thing.— i^<?/i:^r/^i- tells us 
 
 CoL Defcartes, with the reft of his Brethren, both An- 
 cient and Modern, knew nothing of the Matter. 1 tell 
 
 you, Sir, that Nature admits an annual Decay, tho' im- 
 perceptible to vulgar Eyes. Sometimes his Rays deflroy 
 
 below, fometimes above You have heard of blazing 
 
 Comets, I fuppofe ? 
 
 Per. Yes, yes, I remember to have feen one, and our 
 Aflrologers tell us of another which fhall happen very 
 quickly. 
 
 Col. Thofe Comets are little Iflands bordering on the 
 Sun, which at certain Times are fet on fire by that lumi- 
 nous Body's moving over them perpendicular, which will 
 one Day occafion a general Conflagration. 
 
 Sack. One need not fcruple the Colonel's Capacity, 
 faith. [Afide. 
 
 Per. This is marvellous flrange ! Thefe Cinders are 
 what I never read of in any of our learned Differtations. 
 
 Col. I don't know how the Devil you fhould. \Afide. 
 
 Sack. He has it at his Fingers Ends ; one would fwear 
 he had learn'd to lye at School, he does it fo cleverly. 
 
 [Afide. 
 
 Per. Well ! you Travellers fee flrange Thngis ! Pray, 
 Sir. have you any of those Cinders ? 
 
 Col. 1 have, among my other Curiofities. 
 
 Per. Oh, what have I loft for want of Travelling ! 
 Pray, what have you elfe 1 
 
 Col. Several Things worth your Attention 1 have a 
 
 Muff made of the Feathers of thofe Geefe that fav'd the 
 Roman Capitol. 
 
 Per. Is it poffible 1 
 
 Sack. Yes, if you are fuch a Gander as to believe him. 
 
 [AfLde. 
 
 Col. I have an Indian Leaf, which open, will cover an 
 Acre of Land, yet folds up in fo little a Compafs, you may 
 put it into your Snuff-box. 
 
 Sack. Humph ! That's a Thunderer. {Afide. 
 
 Per. 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 229 
 
 Per, Amazing ! 
 
 CoL Ah ! mine is but a little one ; I have feen fome of 
 them that would cover one of the Carribbee Iflands. 
 
 Per. Well, if I don't travel before I die, I fiian^t refl in 
 my Grave. Pray, what do the Indians with them ? 
 
 CoL Sir, they ufe them in their Wars for Tents, the 
 old Women for Riding-hoods, the Young for Fans and 
 Umbrellas. 
 
 Sack. He has a fruitful Invention. [A fide. 
 
 Per. I admire our Eaji- India Company imports none of 
 them ; they would certainly find their Account in them. 
 
 Col. Right, if they could find the Leaves. Afide. — 
 
 Look ye, Sir, do you fee this little Vial ? 
 
 Per. Pray you what is it ? 
 
 Col. This is caird Pohiflofboio. 
 . Per. Poliiflojboio I It has a rumbling Sound. 
 
 Col. Right, Sir ; it proceeds from a rumbling Nature. 
 
 This Water was part of thofe Waves which bore 
 
 Cleopatrds Veffei when fhe fail'd to meet Anthony. 
 
 Per. Well, of all that ever travell'd, none had a Tafle 
 like you. 
 
 Col. But here's the Wonder of the World — This, Sir, 
 is call'd Zona^ or Moros Mufphonon^ the Virtues of this are 
 ineflimable. 
 
 Per. Moros Miifphonon I What in the Name of Wifdom 
 can that be ? To me it feems a plain Belt. 
 
 Col. This Girdle has carried me all the World over. 
 
 Per. You have carried it, you mean. 
 
 Col. I mean as I fay. Sir : — — Whenever I am girded 
 with this, I am invifible ; and by turning this little Screw, 
 can be in the Court of the Great Mogul, the Grand 
 Signior, and King George, in as little Time as your Cook 
 can poach an Egg. 
 
 Per. You mull pardon me. Sir, I can't beheve it. 
 
 Col. If my Landlord pleafes, he fhall try the Experi- 
 ment immediately. 
 
 Sack. I thank you kindly. Sir, but I have no Inclina- 
 nation to ride Pofl to the Devil. 
 
 Col. No, no, you fhan't flir a Foot, I'll only make you 
 invifible. 
 
 Sack. But if you could not make me vifible again. 
 
 Per. 
 
230 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Per. Come, try it upon me, Sir, I am not afraid of the 
 Devil, nor all his Tricks 'Sbud, Fll (land 'em all. 
 
 Col. There, Sir, put it on Come, Landlord, you 
 
 and I mud face the Eafl. {They twn about) Is it on, Sir? 
 
 Per. 'Tis on. {They turn about again. 
 
 Sack. Heaven prote6l me ! Where is he 
 • Per. Why here, juft where I was. 
 
 Sack. Where, where, in the Name of Virtue.'^ Ah, 
 
 poor Mr. Periwi7ikle ! Egad, look to't, you had befl, 
 
 Sir ; and let him be feen again, or I fhall have you burnt 
 for a Wizard. 
 
 Col. Have Patience, good Landlord. 
 
 Per. But really don't you fee me now 1 
 
 Sack. No more than I fee my Grandmother, that dy'd 
 forty Years ago. 
 
 Per. Are you fure you don't lye ; methinks I fland juft 
 where I did, and fee you as plain as I did before. 
 
 Sach. Ah ! I wifh I could fee you once again. 
 
 Col. Take off the Girdle, Sir. \He takes it off. 
 
 Sack. Ah, Sir, I am glad to fee you with all my Heart. 
 
 {Embraces him. 
 
 Per. This is very odd ; certainly there muft be fomc 
 Trick in't — — Pray, Sir, will you do me the Favour to 
 put it on yourfelf. 
 
 CoL With all my Heart. 
 
 Per. But firft Fll secure the Door. 
 
 Col. You know how to turn the Screw, Mr. Sackbut f 
 
 Sack. Yes, yes Come, Mr. Periwinkle, we muft turn 
 
 full Eaft. {They turn, the Colonel finks down a Trap-door. 
 
 Col. 'Tis done, now turn. {They turn. 
 
 Per. Ha ! Mercy upon me ; my Flefh creeps upon my 
 Bones This muft be a Conjurer, Mr. Sackbut. 
 
 Sack. He is the Devil, I think. 
 
 Per. Oh, Mr. Sackbut, why do you Name the Devil, 
 when perhaps he may be at your Elbow ? 
 
 Sack. At my Elbow ; marry, Heaven forbid. 
 
 Col. {Below) Are you fatisfied, Sir 
 
 Per. Yes, Sir, yes. How hollow his Voice founds ! 
 
 Sack, Yours feems juft the fame Faith, I wifh this 
 
 Girdle were mine, Fd fell Wine no more. Hark ye, 
 Mr. Periwinkle {takes him a/ide, Hill t^'e Colonel rt/es 
 
 {again 
 
A Bold Stroke for ^ Wife. 231 
 
 again) if he would fell this Girdle, you might travel with 
 great Expedition. 
 
 Col. But it is not to be parted with for Money. 
 
 Per. I am forry for't, Sir, becaufe I think it is the great- 
 efl Curiofity I ever heard of. 
 
 Col. By the Advice of a learned Phyfiognomifl in Grand 
 Cairo, who confulted the Lines in my Face, I returned to 
 England.^ where he told me I fhould find a Rarity in the 
 Keeping of foiir Men, which I was born to poffefs for the 
 Benefit of Mankind ; and the firji of the four that gave 
 me his Confent, I fhould prefent him with this Girdle— 
 Till I have found this Jew^el, I fhall not part with the 
 Girdle. 
 
 Per. What can that Rarity be Didn't he name it to 
 you } 
 
 Col. Yes, Sir : he called it a chafle, beautiful unaffeCl- 
 ed Woman. 
 
 Per. Pifh ! Women are no Rarities 1 never had any 
 
 great Tafle that Way ; I married, indeed, to pleafe a Fa- 
 ther, and I got a Girl to pleafe my Wife ; but flie and the 
 
 Child (thank Heav^i) died together Women are the 
 
 very Geugaws of the Creation ; Playthings for Boys, who, 
 when they write Man, they ought to throw afide. 
 
 Sack. A fine Le6lure to be read to a Circle of Ladies ! 
 
 iAJlde, 
 
 Per. What Woman is there, drefl in all the Pride and 
 Foppery of the Times, can boafl of fuch a Foretop as 
 the Cockatoo ? 
 
 Col. I muft humour him — {A/cde) — Such a Skin as the 
 Lizsardf 
 
 Per. Such a fhining Breafl as the Humming- Bir d ? 
 
 Col. Such a Shape as the Antelope f 
 
 Per. Or in all the artful Mixture of their various Dreffes, 
 have they half the Beauty of one Box of Butterflies ? 
 
 Col. No, that muft be allowed — For my Part, if it were 
 not for the Benefit of Mankind, Fd have nothing to do 
 with them, for they are as indifferent to me as a Sparrow, 
 or a Flefh Fly, 
 
 Per. Pray, Sir, what Benefit is the World to reap from 
 this Lady.^ 
 
 Col. Why, Sir, fhe is to bear me a Son, who fhall re- 
 vive the Art of embalming, and the old Roman Manner of 
 
 burying 
 
232 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 burying the Dead ; and for the Benefit of Poflerity he is 
 to difcover the Longitude fo long lought for in vain. 
 
 Pe7\ Od ! thefe are valuable Things, Mr. Sackbut. 
 
 Sack. He hits it off admirably, and t'other fwallows it 
 like Sack and Sugar — Afide — Certainly this Lady muft 
 be your Ward, Mr. Periwinkle^ by her being under the 
 Care of four Perfons. 
 
 Per. By the Defcription it fhould Egad, if I could 
 
 get that Girdle, Td ride with the Sun, and make the Tour 
 of the World in four and twenty Hours. {Afide) And are 
 you to give that Girdle to the firfi of the Four Guardians 
 that fhall give his Confent to marry that Lady, fay you. 
 Sir? 
 
 Col. I a.m fo order'd, when I can find him. 
 Per. I fancy I know the very Woman — her Name is 
 An7te Lovely. 
 
 Col. Excellent ! He faid, indeed, that the firfl Letter 
 
 of her Name was L. 
 
 Per. Did he, really ?- Well, that's prodigioufly a- 
 
 mazing, that a Perfon in Grand Cairo fhould know any 
 Thing of mv Ward. 
 
 Col. Your Ward ! 
 
 Per. To be plain with you, Sir ; I am one of thofe 
 four Guardians. 
 
 Col. Are you indeed. Sir ? I am tranfported to find the 
 Man who is to poffefs this Moros Mufphonon is a Perfon of 
 fo curious a Tafle. — Here is a Writing drawn up by that 
 famous Egyptian^ which if you will pleafe to fign, you 
 mufl turn your Face full North, and the Girdle is your's. 
 
 Per. If I live till this Boy is born, I'll be embalm'd, and 
 fent to the Royal Society when I die. 
 
 Col. That you fhall mofl certainly. 
 
 Enter Drawer. 
 
 Draw. Here's Mr. Staytape the Taylor enquires for you, 
 Colonel. 
 
 Col. Who do you fpeak to, you Son of a Whore. 
 
 Per. Ha ! Colonel 1 ^Afide, 
 
 Col. Confound the blundering Dog I \Afide. 
 
 Draw. Why, to Colonel 
 
 Sack. Get you out, you Rafcal. 
 
 {Kicks him out^ and goes after him. 
 
 Draw. 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 233 
 
 Draw. What the Devil is the Matter ? 
 
 Col. This Dog has ruin'd all my SchemeSj I fee by 
 Periwinkle^ sj^odks. \Afide. 
 
 Per. How finely I fhould have been chous'd — Colonel, 
 you'll pardon me that I did not give you your Title before 
 
 — it was pure Ignorance, faith it was Pray — hem, 
 
 hem ! Pray, Colonel, what Poft had this learned Egyptian 
 in your Regiment ? 
 
 Col. A Pox of your Sneer. {A/ide.) I don't underfland 
 you, Sir. 
 
 Per. No, that's flrange ! I underfland you. Colonel — 
 An Egyptian of Grand Cairo I ha, ha, ha — I am forry fuch 
 
 a well invented Tale fhould do you no more Service 
 
 We old Fellows can fee as far into a Milfhone as them that 
 
 pick it 1 am not to be trick'd out of my Truft mark 
 
 that. 
 
 Col. The Devil ! I mufl carry it off, I wifh I were fairly 
 out. {A/ide.) Look ye, Sir, you may make what Jefl you 
 pleafe — but the Stars will be obey'd. Sir, and, depend 
 upon't, I fhall have the Lady, and you none of the Girdle. 
 — Now for Freeman^ s Part of the Plot. {Aftde.) [Exit. 
 
 Per. The Stars ! ha, ha — No Star has favoured you, it 
 feems The Girdle ! ha, ha, ha, none of your Leger- 
 demain Tricks can pafs upon me Why, what a Pack 
 
 of Trumpery has this Rogue picked up — His Pagod, Polu- 
 flofboios, h.\s Zo7ias,MorosM2i/phoitons,?ir).dthe Devilknows 
 
 what — But I'll take Care— Ha, gone Ay, 'twas Time 
 
 to fneak off — Soho ! the Houfe ! [Enter Sackbut.] Where 
 is this Trickfler ? Send for a Conftable, I'll have this Raf- 
 cal before the Lord Mayor ; I'll Grand Cairo him, with a 
 Pox to him — I beheve you had a Hand in putting this Im- 
 poflure upon me, Sackbttt. 
 
 Sack. Who I, Mr. Periwinkle ? I fcorn it ; I perceiv'd 
 he was a Cheat, and left the Room on purpofe to fend for 
 a Conftable to apprehend him, and endeavour'd to ftop 
 him when he went out — But the Rogue made but one 
 Step from the Stairs to the Door, call'd a Coach, leap'd 
 into it, and drove away like the Devil, as Mr. Freeinan 
 can wltnefs, who is at the Bar, and defires to fpeak with 
 you ; he is this Minute come to Town. 
 
 Per. Send him in. [Exit Sackbut.] What a Scheme this 
 Rogue has laid ! How I fhould have been laugh'd at, had 
 
 it 
 
234 ^ Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 it fucceeded ! \^Enter Freeman booted and fpur'd.'\ Mr, 
 Freejnan^ your Drefs commands your Welcome to Town, 
 what will you drink ? I had like to have been imposed 
 upon here by the veriefl Rafcal 
 
 Free. I am forry to hear it. — The Dog flew for't — he 
 had not ^fcap'd me, if I had been aware of him ; Sackbut 
 flruck at him, but mifs'd his Blow, or he had done his 
 Bufmefs for him. 
 
 Per, I believe you never heard of fuch a Contrivance, 
 Mr. Freeman^ as this Fellow had found out. 
 
 Free. Mr. Sackbut has told me the whole Story, Mr. 
 Periwinkle ; but now I have fomething to tell you of 
 much more Importance to yourfelf. — I happened to lie one 
 Night at Coventry, and knowing your LJncle, Sir Toby 
 Periwinkle, I paid him a Vifit, and, to my great Surprize, 
 found him dying. 
 
 Per. Dying ! 
 
 Free. Dying, in all Appearance ; the Servants weeping, 
 the Room in Darknefs ; the Tothecary fhaking his Head, 
 told me, the Do6lors had given him over ; and then there 
 is fmall Hopes, you know. 
 
 Per. I hope he has made his Will — he always told me, 
 he would make me his Heir. 
 
 Free, I have heard you fay as much, and therefore re- 
 folv'd to give you Notice. I fhould think, it would not 
 be amifs if you went down to-morrow Morning. 
 
 Per. It is a long Journey, and the Roads very bad. 
 
 Free. But he has a great Eflate, and the Land very good 
 — Think upon that. 
 
 Per. Why that's true, as you fay ; Fll think upon it : 
 In the mean Time, I give you many Thanks for your Ci- 
 vility, Mr. Freeman, and fhould be glad of your Company 
 to dine with me. 
 
 Free. I am obliged to be at yonathan^s Coffee- Houfe by 
 Two, and now it is half an Hour after One ; if I difpatch 
 my Bufmefs, Fll wait on you ; I know your Hour. 
 
 Per. You fhall be very welcome, Mr. Freeman, and fo 
 your humble Servant. {^Exit. 
 
 Re-enter Colonel and Sackbut. 
 
 Free. Ha, ha, ha — I have done your Bufmefs, Colonel, 
 he has fwallow'd the Bait. 
 
 Col. 
 
A Bold Stroke for <^ Wife. 23 
 
 Col. I overheard all, though I am a little in the Dark ; I 
 am to perfonate a Highwayman, I fuppofe — That's a Por- 
 je6l I am not fond of ; for though I may fright him out of 
 his Confent, he might fright me out of my Life, when he 
 difcovers me, which he certainly muft do in the End. 
 
 Free, No, no, I have a Plot for you without Danger, 
 
 but firfl we mufl manage Trade love Has the Taylor 
 
 brought your Clothes ? 
 
 Sack. Yes, Pox take the Thief 
 
 Col. Well, well, no Matter, I warrant we have him yet 
 — But now you muft put on the Dutch Merchant. 
 
 Col. The Duce of this trading Plot 1 wilh he had 
 
 been an old Soldier, that I might have attacked him in my 
 own Way, heard him fight over all the Battles of the civil 
 War — But for Trade, by Jupiter I fhall never do it. 
 
 Sack. Never fear, Colonel, Mr. i^r^^;/^^^';^ will inflru6l you. 
 
 Free. You'll fee what others do, the Coftee-house will 
 inflru6i you. 
 
 Col. I muft venture, however But I have a farther Plot 
 
 in my Head upon Tradelove, which you muft affift me in, 
 Freeman ; you are in Credit with him, I heard you fay. 
 
 Free. I am, and will fcruple nothing to ferve you, 
 Colonel. 
 
 Col. Come along, then — Now for the Dutchma?i — 
 ¥Lone^i Ptolemy. By your Leave. 
 
 Now mujl Bag Wig and Bushiefs come i7i Play, 
 A Thirty-Thoufand -Pound Girl leads the Way. 
 
 ACT IV. SCENE I. 
 
 SCENE Jonathan's Coffee-Houfe in Change-Alley. A 
 Crowd of People with Rolls of Paper and Parchment in 
 their Hands ; a Bar, a7td Coffee-Boys waiting. 
 
 Enter Tradelove and Stock-jobbers, with Rolls of Paper 
 and Parchment. 
 
 \fl Stock. (^Outh-Sea at feven Eighths ; who buys 
 
 ^ id Stock. South-Sea Bonds due at M ichael- 
 mas, 1718. Clafs Lottery-Tickets. 
 
 3d 
 
236 A Bold Stroke for a Wife, 
 
 Stock. Eaji-hidia Bonds ? 
 £ifth Stock. What, all Sellers and no Buyers ? Gentle- 
 men, ril buy athoufand Pound for Tuefday next, at three 
 Fourths. 
 
 Coff. Boy. Frefh Coffee, Gentlemen, frefh Coffee ? 
 
 Trade. Hark ye, Gabriel^ you'll pay the Difference of 
 that Stock we tran failed for t'other Day. 
 
 Gabr. Ay, Mr. Trade love, here's a Note for the Mo- 
 ney upon the Sword-Blade Company. [Gives him a Note. 
 
 Coff. Boy. Bohea-Tea, Gentlemen ? 
 
 » 
 
 Enter a Man, 
 Man. Is Mr. Smuggle her^'^ 
 
 iji Coff. Boy. Mr. Smugglers not here, Sir, you'll find 
 him at the Books. 
 
 2nd Stock. Ho ! here come two Sparks from t'other End 
 of the Town ; what News bring they? 
 
 Enter two Gentlemen. 
 
 Trade. I would fain bite that Spark in the Brown 
 Coat ; he comes very often into the Alley, but never em- 
 ploys a Broker. 
 
 Enter Colonel and Freeman. 
 
 2d Stock. Who does anything in the Civil- Lift Lottery 
 or Caco ? Zounds, where are all the Jews this Afternoon t 
 Are you a Bull or a Bear To-day, Abraham f 
 
 2id Stock. A Bull, Faith, But I have a good Putt for 
 
 next Week. 
 
 Trade. Mr. Freeman, your Servant ! Who is that Gen- 
 tleman ? 
 
 Free. A Dutch Merchant, juft come to England ; but 
 hark ye, Mr. Tradelove, — I have a Piece of News will get 
 you as much as the French King^s Death, if you are 
 expeditious. 
 
 Trade. Say you fo. Sir ! Pray, what is it 1 
 Free. {Shewing him a Letter) Read there, I receiv'd 
 it juft now from one that belongs to the Emperor's Mi- 
 nifter. 
 
 Trade. (Reads.) Sir, As I have many Obligations to you, 
 I cannot mi/s any Opportun ity to fliew my Gratitude ',this Mo- 
 ment my Lord has received aprivate Exprefs, that the Spa- 
 niards have rats' d their Siege from before Cagliari ; if this 
 
 proves 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 237 
 
 proves a7iy Advantage to you, it will anfwer both the Ends 
 and WiJJies of, Sir, Vour moji obliged humble Servant, 
 
 Henricus Duffeldorp. 
 
 Poflfcript. 
 
 In two or three Hours the News will be publick. 
 
 May one depend upon this, Mr. Freeman ? 
 
 [A/ide to Freeman. 
 
 Free. You may. 1 never knew this Perfon fend mc 
 
 a falfe Piece of News in my Life. 
 
 Trade. Sir, I am much obhg'd to you, 'Egad, 'tis rare 
 News. Who fells South-Sea for next Week. 
 
 Stock Job. {All together) I fell ; I, I, I, I, I fell. 
 
 \fl Stack. Ill fell 5000/. for next Week, at five Eighths, 
 
 id Stock. ril fell ten thoufand, at five Eighths, for 
 
 the iame Time. 
 
 Trade. Nay, nay, hold, hold, not altogether. Gentle- 
 men, I'll be no Bull, I'll buy no more than I can take : 
 Will you fell ten thoufand Pounds at a Half, for any Day 
 next Week, except Saturday ? 
 
 I ft Stock. I'll fell it to you, Mr. Trade love. 
 
 Free. {Whi/pers to one of the Gentlemen) 
 
 Gent. {Afide.) The Spaniards rais'dthe Siege of Cagli- 
 ari I I don't believe one Word of it. 
 
 2d Geiit. Rais'd the Siege ; as much as you have rais'd 
 the Monument. 
 
 Free. 'Tis rais'd I affure you, Sir. 
 
 2d Gent. What will you lay on't. 
 
 Free. What you pleafe. 
 
 ift Gent. Why, I have a Brother upon the Spot, in the 
 Emperor's Service ; I am certain if there were any fuch 
 Thing, I fhould have had a Letter. 
 
 2d Stock. How's this The Siege of Cagliari rais'd 1 
 
 1 wifh it may be true, 'twill make Bufmefs flir, and 
 
 Stocks rife. 
 
 \ft Stock. Tradelove^s a cunning fat Bear ; if this News 
 proves true, I fhall repent I fold him the ten thoufand 
 
 Pounds. Pray, Sir, what Affurance have you that the 
 
 Siege is rais'd 
 
 Free. There is come an Exprefs to the Emperor's Mi- 
 nifter. 
 
 2d Stock. I'll know that prefently. \Exii 
 
 ift Gent. 
 
238 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 iji Gent. Let it come where it will, Til hold you fifty 
 Pounds 'tis falfe. 
 Free. 'Tis done. 
 
 id Gent. I'll lay you a Brace of Hundreds upon the 
 fame. 
 
 Free. Til take you. 
 
 \th Stock. 'Egad, I'll hold twenty Pieces 'tis not rais'd, 
 Sir. 
 
 Free. Done with you too. 
 
 Trade. I'll lay any Man a Brace of Thoufands the 
 Siege is rais'd. 
 
 Free. The Dutch Merchant is your Man to take in. 
 
 [Ajide to Tradelove. 
 
 Trade. Does not he know the News ? 
 
 Free. Not a Syllable ; if he did, he wou'd bet a Hun- 
 dred thoufand Pound as foon as one Penny ; — he's plaguy 
 rich, and a mighty Man at Wagers. \To Tradelove. 
 
 Trade. Say you fo, — 'Egad, I'll bite him, if poffible ; 
 Are you from Holland^ Sir 1 
 
 Col. Ya, Mynheer. 
 
 Trade. Had you the News before you came away 1 
 Col. Wat believe you, Mynheer 1 
 
 Trade. What do I believe ? Why, I believe that the 
 Spaniards have a6lually rais'd the Siege of Cagliari. 
 
 Col. What Duyvel's News is dat 'Tis niet waer. Myn- 
 heer, 'tis no true. Sir. 
 
 Trade. 'Tis fo true. Mynheer, that I'll lay you two 
 
 thoufand Pounds upon it. You are fure the Letter may 
 
 be depended upon, Mr. Freemait ? 
 
 Free. Do you think I would venture my Money, if I 
 were not fure of the Truth of it \^Afide to Tradelove. 
 
 Col. Two duyfend Pound, Mynheer, 'tis gadaen — dis 
 Gentleman fal hold de Gelt. {Gives Freeman Money. 
 
 Trade. W^ith all my Heart — this binds the Wager. 
 
 Free. You have certainly lofl. Mynheer, the Siege is 
 rais'd indeed. 
 
 Col. Ik gelov't niet. Mynheer Freemajt, ik fal ye dub- 
 bled houden, if you pleafe. 
 
 Free. I am let into the Secret, therefore won't win your 
 Money. 
 
 Trade. Ha, ha, ha I I have fnapt the Dutchman, Faith, 
 I ha, 
 
A Bold Stroke for ^ Wife. 239 
 
 lia, ha ! this is no ill Day's Work, pray, may I crave 
 
 your Name Mynheer ? 
 
 Col. Myn Naemx, Mynheer ! myn Name is Ja^i va7i 
 Tiinta^ntirelereletta Heer Fainwell. 
 
 Trade. Zounds, 'tis a damn'd long Name, I fhall never 
 
 remember it. — My?i Heer vcm, Ti?n, Tim, Tun, What 
 
 the Devil is it ? 
 
 Free. Oh ! never heed, I know the Gentleman, and 
 will pafs my Word for twice the Sum. 
 
 Trade. That's enough. 
 
 Col. You'll hear of me fooner than you'll wifh, old 
 Gentleman, I fancy. {A/ide.) You'll come to Sackbtifs, 
 Freeman. [Fxil, 
 
 Free. Immediately. [AJlde to the Colonel. 
 
 \Jl Ma7t. Humphry Hump here t 
 
 id Boy. Mr. Humphry Hump is not here ; you'll find 
 him upon the Dutch Walk. 
 
 Trade. Mr. Freeman I give you many Thanks for your 
 Kindnefs. 
 
 Free. I fear you'll repent when you know all. \Afcde, 
 
 Trade. Will you dine with me 
 
 Free. I'm engag'd at Sackbufs ; adieu. \_Fxit. 
 Trade. Sir, your humble Servant. Now I'll fee what I 
 can do upon ^Change with my News. \Fxit. 
 
 SCENE the Tavern. 
 Enter Freeman and Colonel. 
 
 Free. Ha, ha, ha ! The old Fellow fwallowed the Bait 
 as greedily as a Gudgeon. 
 
 Col. I have him. Faith, ha, ha, ha ! — His two thoufand 
 
 Pounds fecure. If he would keep his Money, he mufl 
 
 part with the Lady, ha, ha. What came of your two 
 
 Friends ? They perform'd their Part very well ; you fhould 
 have brought 'em to take a Glafs with us. 
 
 Free. No matter, we'll drink a Bottle together another 
 Time. — I did not care to bring them hither ; there's no 
 Neceffity to trufl them with the main Secret, you know. 
 Colonel. 
 
 Col. Nay, that's right. Freeman. 
 
 Enter Sackbut. 
 
 Sack. Joy, Joy, Colonel ! The luckiefl: Accident in the 
 World ! Col 
 
240 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Col, What fay'fl thou ? 
 
 Sack. This Letter does your Bufinefs. 
 
 Col. {Reads.) To Obadiah Pi^im^ Hofier, near the Build- 
 ing caird the Momtment^ in London. 
 
 Free. A Letter to Pri7n / How came you by it ? 
 
 Sack. Looking over the Letters our Poft-Woman brought 
 as I ahvays do, to fee what Letters are diredled to my 
 Houfe, (for flie can't read, you mufl know) I fpy'd this to 
 Prim^ fo paid for it among the Refl : I have given the old 
 Jade a Pint of Wine on purpofe to delay Time, till you 
 fee if the Letter be of any Service ; then Pil feal it up 
 again, and tell her I took it by Miftake ; — I have read it, 
 and fancy you'll like the Projedl — Read, read Colonel. 
 
 Col. (Reads) Friend Prim, tJiere is arrived from Penfil- 
 vania one Simon Pure, a Leader of the Faithful, who hath 
 fojour7t^d with us eleven Days, and hath been of great Coin- 
 fort to the Brethren. — He inteiideth for the Quarterly 
 Meetings in London ; / have recommended hi77t to thy 
 Houfe. I pray thee treat hiiii kindly, and let thy Wife 
 cherifJt hi7n, for he's of weakly Conflitutio7i he will de- 
 part from us the third Day ; which is all fro7n thy Friend 
 i7i the Faith. Aminadab Holdfaft. 
 Ha, ha, excellent ! I underfland you, Landlord, I am to 
 perfonate this Si77io7i Pure, am I not ? 
 Sack. Don't you like the Llint ? 
 
 Col. Admirably well ! 
 
 Free. 'Tis the beft Contrivance in the World, if the 
 right Simon get not there before you. 
 
 Col. No, no, the Quakers never ride Pofl ; he can't be 
 here before To-morrow at foonefl : Do you fend and buy 
 me a Quaker's Drefs, Mr. Sackbut ; and fuppofe /^r^/?;;^^;^. 
 you Ihould wait at the Brifiol Coach, that if you fee any 
 fuch Perfon, you might contrive to give me Notice. 
 
 Fi'ee I will-the Country Drefs and Boots, are they ready 
 
 Sack. Yes, yes, every Thing Sir. 
 
 Free. Bring 'em in then. — {Exit Sack.] Thou mufl dif- 
 patch Periwinkle firfl — remember his Uncle Sir Toby 
 Periwi7ikle is an old Batchelor of Seventy-five, — that he 
 has Seven hundred a Year, moft in Abbey Land, that he 
 was once in Love with your Mother, and fhrewdly fuf- 
 
 pedled by fome to be your Father, that you have been 
 
 thirty Years his Steward,— and ten Years his Gentleman, 
 remember to improve thefe Hints. CoL 
 
A Bold Stroke for ^ Wife. 241 
 
 Col. Never fear, let me alone for that — but what's the 
 Steward's Name ? 
 
 Free. His Name is Pillage. 
 
 Col. Enough. — {Enter Sackbut with Clothes^ Now for 
 the Country Put {Drejfes. 
 
 Free. 'Egad, Landlord, thou defervefl to have the firft 
 Night's Lodging with the Lady for thy Fidelity ; — what 
 fay you. Colonel, fhall we fettle a Club here, you'll maV 
 one ? 
 
 Col. Make one ; I'll bring a Set of honefl Officers, tl at 
 will fpend their Money as freely to the King's Health, as 
 they would their Blood in his Service. 
 
 Sack. I thank you. Colonel ; here, here ! \Bell rin^s, 
 
 [Exit Sackbut. 
 
 Col. So, now for my Boots. [Puts on Boots.'] Shall I 
 find you here, Freema7i, when I come back 1 
 
 Free. Yes, or I'll leave Word with Sackbut, where 
 
 he may fend for me — Have you the Writings, the Will, 
 and every Thing ? 
 
 Col. All, all ! [Enter Sackbut. 
 
 Sack. Zounds ! Mr. Freeman / yonder is Tradelove in 
 
 the damned'ft Paffion in the World He fwearsyou are 
 
 in the Houfe — he fays you told him you was to dine here. 
 
 Free. I did fo, ha, ha, ha ! he has found himfelf bit 
 already. 
 
 Col. The Devil ! he mufl not fee me in this Drefs. 
 
 Sack. I told him I expedled you here, but you were not 
 come yet 
 
 Free. Very well, make you hafte out. Colonel, and 
 
 let me alone to deal with him : Where is he 
 
 Sack. In the King^s-Head. 
 
 Col. You remember what I told you 
 
 Free. Ay, ay, very well. Landlord, let him know I am 
 come in, — and now, Mr. Pillage, Succefs attend you. 
 
 [Exit Sack. 
 
 Col. Mr. Proteus rather. 
 
 Frojn changing Shape, and imitating Jove, 
 / draw the happy Omens of my Love, 
 Pm not the firfl young Brother of the Blade, 
 Who madehis Fortune in a Mafquerade. [Exit Col. 
 Enter Tradelove. 
 Free. Zounds ! Mr. Tradelove, we're bit it feems. 
 VOL. III. L Trade. 
 
242 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Trade, Bit do you call it, Mr. Freeman ? I am ruin'd. 
 Pox on your News. 
 
 Free. Pox on the Rafcal that fent it me. 
 
 Trade, Sent it you ! Why Gabriel Skinflint has been at 
 the Minifter's, and fpoke with him, and he has affur'd him 
 'tis every Syllable falfe ; he receiv'd no fuch Exprefs. 
 
 Free, I know it : I this Minute parted with my Friend, 
 who protefled he never fent me any fuch Letter. — Some 
 roguifh Stockjobber has done it on purpofe to make me 
 lofe my Money, that's certain ; I wifh I knew who he was, 
 I'd make him repent it. — I have loft 300/. by it. 
 
 Trade, What fignifies your three hundred Pounds to 
 what I have loft } There's two thoufand Pounds to that 
 Dutchman with a curfed long Name, befides the Stock I 
 bought ; the Devil ! I could tear my Flefti 1 muft ne- 
 ver ftiew my Face upon 'Change more ; for, by my 
 
 Soul, I can't pay it. 
 
 Free, I am heartily forry for it ! What can I ferve you 
 in ? Shall I fpeak to the Dutch Merchant, and try to get 
 you Time for the Payment ? 
 
 Trade, Time ! Ads'heart ; I ftiall never be able to look 
 up again. 
 
 Free. I am very much concern'd that I was the Occa- 
 fion, and wifti I could be an Inftrument of retrieving your 
 Misfortune ; for my own, I value it not. Adfo ! a Thought 
 comes into my Head, that, well improv'd, may be of 
 Service. 
 
 Trade. Ah ! there's no Thought can be of any Service 
 to me, without paying the Money, or running away. 
 
 Free. How do you know What do you think of my 
 proposing Mrs. Lovely to him ? He is a fmgle Man — and 
 I heard him fay he had a Mind to marry an Englifli Wo- 
 man nay, more than that, he faid fomebody told him, 
 
 you had a pretty Ward he wifh'd you had betted her 
 
 inftead of your Money. 
 
 Trade, Ay, but he'd be hang'd before he'd take her in- 
 ftead of the Money ; the Dutch are too covetous for that ; 
 befides, he did not know that there were three more of us, 
 I fuppofe. 
 
 Free, So much the better ; you may venture to give 
 him your Confent, if he'll forgive you the Wager ; it is 
 
 not 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 243 
 
 not your Bufinefs to tell him, that your Confent will fig- 
 nify nothing. 
 
 Trade. That's right as you fay ; but will he do it, think 
 you ? 
 
 Free. I can't tell that ; but Pll try what I can do with 
 
 him He has promis'd me to meet me here an Hour 
 
 hence ; Pll feel his Pulfe, and let you know : If I find it 
 feafible, Pll fend for you ; if not, you are at Liberty to 
 take what Meafures you pleafe. 
 
 Trade. You muft extol her Beauty, double her Portion, 
 an^ tell him I have the intire Difpofal of her, and that 
 
 fhe can't marry without my Confent ; and that I am a 
 
 covetous Rogue, and will never part with her without a 
 valuable Confideration. 
 
 Free. Ay, ay, let me alone for a Lye at a Pinch. 
 
 Trade. 'Egad, if you can bring this to bear, Mr. Free- 
 man^ Pll make you whole again ; Pll pay the three hun- 
 dred Pounds you loft, with all rny Soul. 
 
 Free. Well, I'll ufe my beft Endeavours Where will 
 
 you be ? 
 
 Trade. At Home ; pray Heaven you profper — If 1 were 
 but the fole Truftee now, I fhould not fear it. Who the 
 Devil would be a Guardian, 
 
 If, when Cajh runs low, our Coffers f enlarge, 
 
 We can^tylike other Stocks, transfer our Charge f [Exit. 
 
 Free. Ha, ha, ha he has it. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE changes to Periwinkle'i" Houfe. 
 
 Enter Periwinkle on one Side, and Footman on f other. 
 
 Foot. A Gentleman from Coventry enquires for you, Sir. 
 
 Per. From my Uncle, I warrant you ; bring him up — 
 This will fave me the Trouble, as well as the Expence of 
 a Journey. 
 
 Enter Colonel. 
 
 Col. Is your Name Periwinkle, Sir ? 
 Per. It is, Sir. 
 
 Col. I am forry for the Meffage I bring — My old Maf- 
 ter, whom I ferv'd thefe forty Years, claims the Sorrow 
 due from a faithful Servant to an indulgent Mafter. 
 
 [ Weeps. 
 
 L 2 Per. 
 
244 ^ Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Per, By this I underfland, Sir, my Uncle Sir Toby Pe- 
 riwinkle is dead. 
 
 Col. He is, Sir, and he has left you Heir tofeven Hun- 
 dred a Year, in as good Abbey- Land as ever paid Peter- 
 Pence to Rome, 1 wifh you long to enjoy it, but my 
 
 Tears will flow when I think of my Benefactor — (Weeps.) 
 
 Ah ! he was a good Man he has not left many of his 
 
 Fellows the Poor lament him forely. 
 
 Per. I pray. Sir, what Office bore you ? 
 
 Col. I was his Steward, Sir. 
 
 Per, I have heard him mention you with much Refpe6l ; 
 
 your Name is 
 
 CoL Pillage^ Sir. 
 
 Per. Ay, Pillage^ I do remember he called you Pillage 
 Pray, Mr. Pillage^ when did my Uncle die 1 
 
 Col. Monday lafl, at Four in the Morning. About Two 
 he fign'd his Will, and gave it into my Hands, and ftridlly 
 charged me to leave Coventry the Moment he expir'd, and 
 deliver it to you with what Speed I could } I have obeyed 
 him. Sir, and there is the Will. {Gives it to Per. 
 
 Per. ^Tis very well, I'll lodge it in the Commons. 
 
 Col. There are Two Things which he forgot to infert, 
 but charged me to tell you, that he defir'd you'd perform 
 them as readily as if you had found them written in the 
 Will, which is to remove his Corpfe, and bury him by his 
 Father at St. Paul's, Covent-Garden, and to give all his 
 Servants Mourning. 
 
 Per. That will be a confiderable Charge ; a Pox of all 
 modern Fafhions. {A/cde.) Well ! it fhall be done. Mr. 
 Pillage: I will agree with one of Death's Fafhion- 
 Mongers, call'd an Undertaker, to go down, and bring up 
 the Body. 
 
 Col. I hope. Sir, I fhall have the Honour to ferve you 
 in the fame Station I did your worthy Uncle ; I have not 
 many Years to flay behind him, and would gladly fpend 
 them in the Family, where I was brought up — ( Weeps.) 
 He was a kind and tender Mafler to me. 
 
 Per. Pray don't grieve, Mr. Pillage, you fhall hold your 
 Place, and every Thing elfe which you held under my 
 
 Uncle You make me weep to fee you fo concern'd. 
 
 {Weeps.) He liv^d to a good old Age, and we are all 
 mortal. 
 
 CoL 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 245 
 
 CoL We are fo, Sir, and therefore I mufl beg you to 
 fign this Leafe ; You'll find Sir Toby has taken particular 
 Notice of it in his Will — I could not get it Time enough 
 from the Lawyer, or he had fign'd it before he dy'd. 
 
 {Gives him a Paper, 
 
 Per. A Leafe ! for what ? 
 
 Col. I rented an hundred a Year of Sir Toby upon 
 Leafe, which Leafe expires at Lady Day next. I defire to 
 renew it for Twenty Years that's all Sir. 
 
 Per. Let me fee. {Looks over the Leafe. 
 
 CoL Matters go fwimmingly, if nothing intervene. 
 
 \_Afcde. 
 
 Per. Very well Let's fee what he fays in his Will 
 
 about it. {Lays the Leafe upon the Table, arid 
 
 looks 071 the Will. 
 
 Col. He's very wary, yet I fancy I fhall be too cun- 
 ning for him. {Afde. 
 
 Per. Ho, here it is The Farm lying 7iowin Pof 
 
 feffion Samuel Pillage, fuffer him to renew his Leafe — 
 at the fame Rent. — Very well, Mr. Pillage, I fee my Uncle 
 does mention it, and I'll perform his Will. Give me the 
 Leafe — Col. gives it him, he looks upon it, and lays it upon 
 the Table.) Pray you flep to the Door, and call for a Pen 
 and Ink, Mr. Pillage. 
 
 Col. I have Pen and Ink in my Pocket, Sir, {Pulls out 
 an Inkhorn.) I never go without that. 
 
 Per. I think it belongs to your Profeffion {He looks 
 
 upon the Pen, while the Col. changes the Leafe, and lays 
 down the Contrail}) I doubt this is but a forry Pen, tho' it 
 may ferve to write my Name. [ Writes. 
 
 Col. Little does he think what he figns. {A fide. 
 
 Per. There is your Leafe, Mr. Pillage. {Gives hirn the 
 Paper) Now I mufl defire you to make what Hafle you 
 can down to Coventry, and take Care of every Thing, 
 and I'll fend down the Undertaker for the Body ; do you 
 attend it up, and whatever Charge you are at, I will re- 
 pay you. 
 
 Col. You have paid me already, I thank you Sir. {Afide. 
 Per. Will you dine with me 1 
 
 Col. I would rather not, there are fome of my Neigh- 
 bours which I met as I came along, who leave the Town 
 L 3 this 
 
246 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 this Afternoon, they told me, and I fhould be glad of their 
 Company down. 
 
 Per, Well, well, I won't detain you. 
 
 Col. I don't care how foon I am out. \Afide^ 
 
 Per, I will give Orders about Mourning. 
 
 Col. You will have Caufe to mourn, when you know 
 your Eflate imaginary only. 
 
 YouUl find your Hopes and Cares are vain, 
 
 In Spite of all the Caution you have ta^en, 
 
 Fortune rewards the faithful Lover^s Pain. [Exit. 
 
 Per. Seven Hundred a Year ! I wifh he had died feven- 
 teen Years ago ; What a valuable Colledlion of Rari- 
 ties might I have had by this Time ! — I might have tra- 
 velled over all the known Parts of the Globe, and made 
 my own Clofet rival the Vatican at Rome. — Odfo, I have 
 
 a good Mind to begin my Travels now ; let me fee. 
 
 1 am but Sixty ! my Father, Grandfather, and Great 
 
 Grandfather reached Ninety odd ; 1 have almofl forty 
 
 Years good : Let me confider ! what will feven hun- 
 dred a Year amount to in ay ! in thirty Years, Til fay 
 
 but Thirty Thirty times Seven, is feven times Thirty 
 
 that is juft twenty-one thoufand Pounds, 'tis 
 
 a great deal of Money. 1 may very well referve fixteen 
 
 Hundred of it for a Colledlion of fuch Rarities, as will 
 
 make my Name famous to Pofterity ; 1 would not die 
 
 like other Mortals, forgotten in a Year or two, as my 
 Uncle will be No, 
 
 With Natures curious Works Pll raife my Fame, 
 
 That Men, ^till Doom^s-Day, may repeat my Name. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE changes to a Tavern; Freeman and Tradelove 
 over a Bottle. 
 
 Trade. Come, Mr. Freeman^ here's Mynheer Jan, Van, 
 
 Tim, Ta7n^ Tarn ; 1 fliall never think of that JDutch- 
 
 man^s name 
 
 Free. Mynlieer Jan Van Timtamtireliretta Heer Van 
 Fainwell. 
 
 Trade. Ay, Heer Van Fainwell, I never heard fuch a 
 confounded Name in my Life — here's his Health, I fay. 
 Free. With all my Heart. 
 
 Trade. Faith, I never expecfled to have found fo gene- 
 rous a Thing in a Dutchman. 
 
 Free. 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 247 
 
 Free. Oh, he has nothing of the Hollander in his Tem- 
 per except an Antipathy to Monarchy As foon as 
 
 I told him your Circumflances, he reply'd, he would not 
 be the Ruin of any Man for the World — and immediately 
 made this Propofal himfelf— Let him take what Time he 
 will for the Payment, faid he ; or if he'll give me his 
 Ward, ril forgive him the Debt. 
 
 Trade. Well, Mr. Freeman, I can but thank you. — 'Egad, 
 you have made a Man of me again ; and if ever I lay a 
 Wager more, may I rot in a Gaol. 
 
 Free. I affure you, Mr. Tradelove^ I was very much con- 
 cerned, becaufe I was the Occafion, tho' very inno- 
 cently, I protefl. 
 
 Trade. I dare fwear you was, Mr. Free^nan. 
 
 Enter a Fidler. 
 Fid. Pleafe to have a Leffon of Mufick, or a Song, 
 Gentlemen ? 
 
 Free. A Song ; fay, with all our Hearts ; have you ever 
 a merry one ? 
 
 Fid. Yes, Sir, my Wife and I can give you a merry 
 Dialogue. {^Here is the Song, 
 
 Trade. 'Tis very pretty, Faith. 
 
 Free. There's fomething for you to drink, Friend ; go, 
 lofe no Time. 
 
 Fid. I thank you, Sir. {Exit, 
 
 Enter Drawer, and Colonel drejt for the Dutch Merchant, 
 
 Col. Ha, Mynheer Tradelove, Ik been forry voor your 
 Troubles — maer Ik fal you eafie macken, Ik will de gelt 
 nie hebben 
 
 Trade. I fhall for ever acknowledge the Obligation, Sir. 
 
 Free. But you underfland upon what Condition, Mr. 
 Tradelove ; Mrs. Lovely. 
 
 Col. Ya, de Frow al fal te regt fetten, Mynheer. 
 
 Trade. With all my Heart, Mynheer ; you fhall have 
 my Confent to marry her freely. 
 
 Free. Well then, as I am a Party concerned between 
 yoviy Mynheer J aft Van Ti?ntamtirelireletta Heer Van Fain- 
 well fhall give you a Difcharge of your Wager under his 
 
 own Hand, and you fhall give him your Confent to 
 
 L 4 marry 
 
248 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 marry Mrs. Lovely under yours — that is the Way to avoid 
 all Manner of Difputes hereafter. 
 CoL Ya, Weeragtig. 
 
 Trade. Ay, ay, fo it is, Mr. Freeman^ Fll give it un- 
 der mine this Minute. \Sits down to write. 
 
 CoL And fo Ik fal. \Sits down to write. 
 
 Free, So ho, the Houfe. {Enter Drawer) Bid your 
 
 Mailer come up Fll fee there be Witneffes enough to 
 
 the Bargain. \Afide. 
 Enter Sackbut. 
 
 Sack. Do you call, Gentlemen ? 
 
 Free. Ay, Mr. Sackbut , we fhall want your Hand here — 
 Trade. There Mynheer, there's my Confent as amply 
 as you can defire ; but you muft infert your own Name, 
 for I know not how to fpell it ; I have left a Blank for it. 
 
 {Gives the Colonel a Paper. 
 
 Col. Ya Ik fal dat well doen. 
 
 Free. Now, Mr. Sackbut^ you and I will witnefs it. 
 
 {They write. 
 
 Col. Daer, Mynheer Tradelove, is your Difcharge. 
 
 {Gives him a Paper. 
 Trade. Be pleafed to witnefs this Receipt too, Gentle- 
 men. [Freeman and Sackbut put their Hands. 
 Free, Ay, ay, that we will. 
 
 Col. Well Mynheer, ye mofl meer doen, ye moft Myn 
 
 voorrfprach to de Frow Syn. 
 
 Free. He means you mufl recommend him to the Lady — 
 Trade. That I will, and to the refl of my Brother 
 
 Guardians. 
 
 Col. Wat voor, de Duyvel heb you meer Guardians ? 
 Trade. Only Three ^ Mynheer. 
 
 Col. Wat donder heb ye Myn betrocken Mynheer .f* — 
 Had Ik dat gewoeten, Ik foude eaven met you geweeft Syn. 
 
 Sack. But Mr. Tradelove is the Principal, and he can 
 do a great deal with the refl. Sir. 
 
 Free. And he fhall ufe his Intereft I promife you, 
 Mynheer. 
 
 Tade. I will fay all that ever I can think on to recom- 
 mend you, Mynheer ; and if you pleafe, Fll introduce 
 you to the Lady. 
 
 CoL Well, dat is waer. — Maer ye mufl firfl fpreken of 
 Myn to de Frow, and to de oudere Gentlemen. 
 
 Free, 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 249 
 
 Free, Ay, that^s the befl Way, — and then I and the 
 Heer van Fainwell will meet you there. 
 
 Trade, I will go this Moment, upon Honour. Your 
 
 moft obedient humble Servant. My fpeaking will do 
 
 you little Good, Mynheer, ha, ha ; w^e have bit you, faith, 
 ha, ha. 
 
 Well, — my Debfs dif charged, and for the Man, 
 He ^as my Confent — to get her, if he can. [Exit. 
 CoL Ha, ha, ha 1 this was a Mafter- Piece of Contri- 
 vance, Freeman. 
 Free. He hugs himfelf with his fuppofed good Fortune, 
 
 and little thinks the Luck's on our Side ; but come, 
 
 purfue the fickle Goddefs while fhe's in the Mood. — Now 
 for the Quaker. 
 
 Col. That's the hardeft Tafk, 
 
 Of all the Counterfeits performed by Man, 
 
 A Soldier makes the fmpleft Puritan. [Exit. 
 
 ACT V. SCENE I. 
 
 SCENE Prim'i- Houfe. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Prim and Mrs. Lovely in Quaker's Dreffes, 
 meeting. 
 
 Mrs. Pr. O O, now I like thee, Anne ; art thou not bet- 
 O ter without thy monflrous Hoop-Coat and 
 Patches ? — If Heaven fhould make thee fo many black 
 Spots upon thy Face, wou'd it not fright thee, Anne f 
 
 Mrs. Lov. If it fhould turn your Infide outward, and 
 fhew all the Spots of your Hypocrify, 'twould fright me 
 worfe ! 
 
 Mrs. Pr. My Hypocrify ! I fcorn thy Words, Anne, I 
 lay no Baits. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. If you did you'd catch no Fifh. 
 
 Mrs. Pr. Well, well, make thy Jefls but I'd have 
 
 thee to know, Anne, that I cou'd have catch'd as many 
 Fifh (as thou call'ft them) in my Time, as ever thou did'ft 
 with all thy Fool-Traps about thee — If Admirers be thy 
 Aim, thou wilt have more of them in this Drefs than the 
 other. — The Men, take my Word for't, are more defirous 
 to fee what we are mofl careful to conceal. 
 
 L 5 Mrs 
 
250 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Is that the Reafon of your FormaHty, Mrs, 
 Prim f Truth will out : I ever thought, indeed, there was 
 more Defign than Godlinefs in the pinched Cap. 
 
 Mrs. Fr. Go, thou art corrupted with reading lewd 
 Plays, and filthy Romances, — good for nothing but to 
 lead Youth into the high Road of Fornication. — Ah ! I 
 wifh thou art not already too familiar with the wicked 
 Ones. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Too familiar with the wicked Ones ! Pray 
 no more of thofe Freedoms, Madam, — I am familiar with 
 none fo wicked as yourfelf ; — How dare you thus talk to 
 me ! you, you, you, unworthy Woman you. 
 
 [Bur/is into Tears, 
 
 Enter Tradelove. 
 
 Trade, What in Tears, Nancy? What have you done 
 to her, Mrs. Prim, to make her weep ? 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Done to me ! I admire I keep my Senfes 
 among you ; — but I will rid myfelf of your Tyranny, if 
 there be either Law or Juftice to be had ; — Fll force you 
 to give me up my Liberty. 
 
 Mrs. Pr, Thou haft more need to weep for thy Sins, 
 Anne Yea, for thy manifold Sins. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Don't think that Til be ftill the Fool which 
 you have made me — No, Til wear what I pleafe— go when 
 and where I pleafe — and keep what Company I think fit, 
 and not what you fhall dire6\ — I will. 
 
 Trade, For my Part, I do think all this very reafonable, 
 Mrs. Lovely. — 'Tis fit you fhould have your Liberty, and 
 for that very Purpofe I am come. 
 
 Enter Mr. Periwinkle, and Obadiah Prim, with a Letter 
 in his Hand. 
 
 Per. I have bought fome black Stockings of your Huf- 
 band, Mrs. Prim, but he tells me the Glover's Trade be- 
 longs to you ; therefore I pray you look me out five or fix 
 Dozen of mourning Gloves, fuch as are given at Funerals, 
 and fend them to my Houfe. 
 
 Ob. Pr. My Friend Periwinkle has got a good Wind- 
 fall to Day — feven hundred a Year. 
 
 Mrs. Pr. I wifh thee Joy of it. Neighbour. 
 
 Trade. What, is Sir Toby dead, then ? 
 
 Per. He is ! You'll take care, Mrs. Prim. 
 
 Mrs. 
 
A Bold Stroke for <^ Wife. 251 
 
 Mrs. Pr, Yea, I will, Neighbour. 
 
 Ob. Pr. This Letter recommendeth a Speaker ; 'tis 
 ixom Aminadab Holdfaji of Briftol ; peradventure he will 
 be here this Night ; therefore, Sarab, do thou take Care 
 for his Reception.- [Gives her the Letter, 
 
 Mrs. Pr. I will obey thee. {Exit, 
 
 Ob, Pr, What art thou in the Dumps for, Anne? 
 
 Trade, We mufl marry her, Mr. Prim, 
 
 Ob, Pr, Why truly, if we could find a Hufband worth 
 having, I fhould be as glad to fee her married as thou 
 would'fl. Neighbour. 
 
 Per. Well faid ; there are but few worth having. 
 
 Trade, I can recommend you a Man now, that I think 
 you can none of you have an Obje6lion to ! 
 
 Enter Sir Philip Modelove, 
 
 Per, You recommend ? Nay, whenever fhe marries, FU 
 recommend the Hufband. 
 
 Sir Phil. What mufl it be, a Whale or a Rhinoceros, 
 Mr. Periwinkle, ha, ha, ha ? Mr. Tradelove, I have a Bill 
 upon you {gives him a Paper) and have been feeking for 
 you all over the Town. 
 
 Trade. Til accept it. Sir Philips and pay it when due — 
 
 Per. He fhall be none of the Fops at your End of the 
 Town, with full Perukes and empty Skulls, — nore yet none 
 of your trading Gentry, who puzzle the Heralds to find 
 
 Arms for their Coaches. No, he fhall be a Man famous 
 
 for Travels, Solidity, and Curiofity — one who has fearch'd 
 into the Profoundity of Nature ! When Heaven fhall 
 direcft fuch a One, he fhall have my Confent, becaufe it 
 may turn to the benefit of Mankind. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. The Benefit of Mankind ! What, would you 
 anatomize me 
 
 Sir Phil. Ay. ay. Madam, he would diffe6l you. 
 
 Trade. Or, pore over you through a Microfcope, to fee 
 how your Blood circulates from the Crown of your Head 
 to the Sole of your Foot— ha, ha ! But I have a Hufband 
 for you, a Man that knows how to improve your Fortune ; 
 one that trades to the four Corners of the Globe. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. And would fend me for a Venture perhaps. 
 
 Trade. One that will drefs you in all the Pride of Eu- 
 rope, Afia, Africa^ and America a Dutch Merchant, 
 
 my Girl. L 6 Sir 
 
252 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Sir Phil. A Dutchman ! ha, ha, there's a Hufband for 
 
 a fine Lady. Ya Frow, will you meet myn Slagen — ha^ 
 
 ha ; he'll learn you to talk the Language of the Hogs, 
 Madam, ha, ha ! 
 
 Trade, He'll learn you that one Merchant is of more 
 Service to a Nation than fifty Coxcombs. — The Dutch 
 know the trading Interefl to be of more Benefit to the 
 State, than the landed. 
 
 Sir Phil. But what is either Interefl to a Lady ? 
 
 Trade. 'Tis the Merchant makes the Belle — How would 
 the Ladies fparkle in the Box without the Merchant ! The 
 Indian Diamond ! The French Brocade ! The Italian 
 Fan ! The Flanders Lace ! The fine Holland ! How 
 
 would they vent their Scandal over their Tea-Tables ? And 
 where would their Beaus have Champagne to toafl your 
 Miflreffes, were it not for the Merchant 1 
 
 Ob. Pr. Verily, Neighbour Tradelove, thou doft wafle 
 thy Breath about nothing — All that thou haft faid tendeth 
 to debauch Youth, and fill their Heads with the Pride 
 and Luxury of this World — the Merchant is a very great 
 Friend to Satan, and fendeth as many to his Dominions 
 as the Pope. 
 
 Per. Right ; I fay Knowledge makes the Man. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Yea, but not thy Kind of Knowledge — it is the 
 Knowledge of Truth — Search thou for the Light within, 
 and not for Bawbles, Friend. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Ay, ftudy your Country's Good, Mr. Peri- 
 winkle, and not her Infedls — Rid you of your homebred 
 Monfters, before you fetch any from abroad — I dare fwear 
 you have Maggots enough in your own Brain to ftock all 
 the Viftuofd's in Europe with Butterflies. 
 
 Sir Phil. By my Soul, Mifs Nancfs a Wit. 
 
 Ob. Pr. That is more than fhe can fay by thee, Friend 
 
 Look ye, it is in vain to talk, when I meet a Man 
 
 worthy of her, ftie ftiall have my Leave to marry him. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Provided he be of the Faithful Was there 
 
 ever fuch a Swarm of Caterpillars to blaft the Hopes of a 
 Woman ! {A/ide.) Know this, that you contend in vain : 
 I'll have no Hufband of your chufing, nor fhall you lord 
 it over me long. I'll try the Power of an Englijh Se- 
 nate Orphans have been redrefs'd, and Wills fet afide 
 
 —And none did ever deferve their Pity more — Oh Fain- 
 well ! 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 253 
 
 well I where are thy Promifes to free me from thefe Ver- 
 min ? Alas ! the Tafk was more difficult than he imagined ! 
 
 A harder Ta/k than what the Poets tell 
 
 Of Yore, the fair Andromeda befel ; 
 
 She but one Monfler feared, Fve four to fear. 
 
 And fee no Perfeus, 7io Deliv'rer near. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Servant, and whifpers to Prim. 
 Serv. One Simon Pure enquireth for thee. 
 Per, The Woman is mad. {Exit. 
 Sir Phil. So you are all in my Opinion. \Exit. 
 Ob. Pr. Friend Tradelove, Bufinefs requireth my Pre- 
 fence. 
 
 Trade. Oh, I fhan't trouble you — Pox take him for an 
 unmannerly Dog — However, I have kept my Word with 
 my Dutchman, and will introduce him too for all you. 
 
 {Exit. 
 
 Enter Colonel in a Quaker's Habit. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Friend Pure, thou art welcome ; how is it with 
 Friend Holdfafl, and all Friends in Brifiol? Timothy Little- 
 worthy John Slenderbrain, and Chriflopher Keepfaith ? 
 
 Col. A goodly Company ! {Afde.) They are all in 
 Health, I thank thee for them. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Friend Holdfafl writes me Word, that thou 
 cameft lately from Penfclvania, how do all Friends there 1 — 
 
 Col. What the Devil (hall I fay 1 I know jufl as much 
 of Penfllvania as I do of Brifiol. {Afide, 
 
 Ob. Pr. Do they thrive ? 
 
 Col. Yea, Friend, the Bleffmg of their good Works fall 
 upon them. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Prim and Mrs. Lovely. 
 
 Ob. Pr. . Sarah, know our Friend Pure ? 
 
 Mrs. Pr. Thou art welcome. {He falutes her. 
 
 Col. Here comes the Sum of all my Wifhes How 
 
 charming fhe appears, even in that Difguife ! {Afcde. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Why dofl thou confider the Maiden fo inten- 
 tively. Friend ? 
 
 Col. I will tell thee : About four Days ago I faw a Vi- 
 fion. This very Maiden, but in vain Attire, flanding on 
 a Precipice, and heard a Voice, which called me by my 
 Name — and bid me put forth my Hand andfave her from 
 the Pit — I did fo, and methought the Damfel grew to my 
 Side. Mrs. 
 
254 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Mrs. Pr. What can that portend ? 
 
 Ob. Pr, The Damfers Converfion — I am perfuaded. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. That's falfe, Pm fure \Afide, 
 
 Ob. Pr. Wilt thou ufe the Means, Friend Pure? 
 
 Col. Means ! what Means ? Is Ihe not thy Daughter, al- 
 ready one of the Faithful ? 
 
 Mrs. Pr. No, alas ! (he's one of the Ungodly. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Pray thee mind what this good Man will fay 
 unto thee ; he will teach thee the way that thou fhouldeft 
 walk, Anne. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I know my Way without his Inftrudlions : I 
 hop'd to have been quiet, when once I had put on your 
 odious Formality here. 
 
 Col. Then thou wearefl it out of Compulfion, not 
 Choice, Friend 1 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Thou art in the Right of it, Friend. 
 
 Mrs. Pr. Art thou not afhamed to mimick the good 
 Man ? Ah ! thou art a flubborn Girl. 
 
 Col'. Mind her not ; fhe hurteth not me — If thou wilt 
 leave her alone with me, I will difcufs a few Points with 
 her, that may perchance foften her Stubbornefs, and melt 
 her into Compliance. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Content : I pray iheepul it home to her — Come, 
 Sarah, let us leave the good Man with her. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. {Catching hold of Prim, he breaks loo/e, and 
 Exit.) What do you mean — to leave me with this old En- 
 thufiaflical Canter ? Don't think, becaufe I comply'd with 
 your Formality, to impofe your ridiculous Dodlrine upon 
 me. 
 
 Col. I pray thee, young Woman, moderate thy Paffion. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I pray thee walk after thy Leader, you will 
 
 but lofe your Labour upon me Thefe Wretches will 
 
 certainly make me mad. 
 
 Col. I am of another Opinion ; the Spirit telleth me I 
 (hall convert thee, Anne. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. 'Tis a lying Spirit, don't- believe it. 
 
 Col. Say'fl thou fo ? Why then thou fhalt convert me, 
 my Angel. {Catching her ifi his Arms. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. {Shrieks) Ah ! Monfler hold off, or I'll tear 
 thy Eyes out. 
 
 Col. Hufh ! for Heaven's sake doft thou not know 
 
 me ? I am Fainwell. 
 
 Mrs. 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 255 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Fainwell I [Enter old Prim.] Oh, Fm un- 
 done ! Prim here 1 wifh with all my Soul I had been 
 
 dumb. 
 
 Od. Pr. What is the Matter? Why didfl thou fhriek 
 out, Anne ? 
 
 Mrs. L07/. Shriek out ! I'll fhriek and Ihriek again, cry 
 Murder, Thieves, or any Thing, to drown the Noife of 
 that eternal Babbler, if you leave me with him any 
 longer. 
 
 Od. Pr. Was that all? Fie, fie, Anne, 
 
 Col. No Matter, I'll bring down her Stomach, I'll war- 
 rant thee. Leave us, I pray thee. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Fare thee well. [Exit. 
 
 Col. My charming lovely Woman ! [Embraces her. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. What mean't thou by this Difguife, Fain- 
 we in 
 
 CoL To fet thee free, if thou wilt perform thy Promife. 
 
 Mrs, Lov. Make me Miflrefs of my Fortune, and make 
 thy own Conditions. 
 
 CoL This Night (hall anfwer all my Wifhes — See here, 
 I have the Confent of three of thy Guardians already, and 
 doubt not but Prim will make the fourth. [Prim liflening. 
 
 Ob. Pr. I would gladly hear what Arguments the good 
 Man ufeth to bend her. [Afide^ 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Thy Words give me new Life, methinks. 
 
 Ob. Pr. What do I hear? 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Thou befl of Men, Heaven meant to blefs 
 me fure, when firfl I faw thee. 
 
 Ob. Pr. He hath mollified her. -Oh wonderful Con- 
 
 verfion ! 
 
 Col. Ha ! Priin liflening. — No more, my Love, we are 
 obferVd ; feem to be edified, and give 'em Hopes that 
 thou wilt turn Quaker, and leave the refl to me. {Aloud) 
 I am glad to find that thou art touch't with what I faid un- 
 to thee, Anne ; another Time I will explain the other 
 Article unto thee ; in the mean-while, be thou dutiful to 
 our Friend Prim. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I fhall obey thee in every Thing. 
 
 Enter Obadiah Prim. 
 
 Ob. Pr. O what a prodigious Change is here ! Thou hafl 
 wrought a Miracle, Friend ! Anne, how dofl thou like the 
 Docflrine he hath preached ? Mrs. 
 
256 A Bold Stroke for a W ife. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, So well, that I could talk to him for ever, 
 methinks — I am afhamed of my former Folly, and afk 
 your Pardon, Mr. Prim. 
 
 Col. Enough, enough, that thou art forry ; he is no 
 Pope, Anne, 
 
 Ob.Pr. Verily, thou dofl rejoice me exceedingly, Friend ; 
 will it pleafe thee to walk into the next Room, and re- 
 frefh thyfelf Come, take the Maiden by the Hand. 
 
 CoL We will follow thee. 
 
 Enter Serva7it. 
 
 Serv. There is another Simon Pure enquireth for thee, 
 Mafler. 
 
 CoL The Devil there is. {^Afide, 
 
 Ob. Pr. Another Simon Pure / I do not know him, is 
 he any Relation of thine 
 
 CoL No Friend, I know him not — Pox take him, I wifh 
 he were in PenfUvania again, with all my Blood. \^Afide, 
 
 Mrs. Lov, What fhall I do ? {Afcde, 
 
 Ob. Pr. Bring him up. 
 
 CoL Humph ! then one of us mufl go down, thaf s cer- 
 tain. — Now Impudence affiftme. 
 
 Enter Simon Pure. 
 Ob. Pr, What is thy Will with me, Friend ? 
 S. Pu. Didft thou not receive a Letter from Aminadab 
 Holdfaji of Brijiol, concerning one Simon Ptire 1 
 
 Ob. Pr. Yea, and Simon Pure is already here, Friend. 
 CoL And Simon Pure will flay here. Friend, if poffible. 
 
 lAfide. 
 
 S. Pu, That's an Untruth, for I am he. 
 
 Col. Take thou heed. Friend, what thou dofl fay ; I do 
 affirm that I am Simon Pure. 
 
 S, Pu. ThyName maybe i^//?^, Friend, but not that P/^r^. 
 
 CoL Yea, that Pure^ which my good Friend Aminadab 
 Holdfaji wrote to my Friend Prim about, the fame Simon 
 Pure that came from PenfUvania^ and fojourned in Briflol 
 eleven Days ; thou would'fl not take my Name from me, 
 would'ft thou 1 — 'till I have done with it. {Afde. 
 
 S. Pu. Thy Name ! I am aftonifh'd ! 
 
 CoL At what 1 at thy own Affurance 
 
 \Going up to him, S. Pure flarts back. 
 
 S. Pu. Avant, Satan, approach me not ; I defy thee and 
 all thy Works. 
 
 Mrs. 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 257 
 
 Mr. Lov, Oh, he'll out-cant him — Undone, undone for 
 ever. {^Afide, 
 
 CoL Hark thee, Friend, thy Sham will not take — Don't 
 exert thy Voice, thou art too well acquainted with Satan to 
 ftart at him, thou wicked Reprobate — What can thy De- 
 fign be here ? 
 
 Enter a Servant and gives Prim a Letter, 
 
 Ob. Pr, One of thefe muft be a Counterfeit, but which 
 I cannot fay. 
 
 CoL What can that letter be ? {^Afide. 
 S. Pu, Thou mufl be the Devil, Friend, that's certain, 
 for no human Power can flock fo great a Falfhood. 
 
 Ob. Pr. This Letter fayeth that thou art better acquaint- 
 ed with that Prince of Darknefs, than any here — Read that 
 I pray thee, Sitnon. [Gives it the Col. 
 
 Col, 'Tis Freeman^ s Hand. {Reads) There is a Deftgn 
 formed to rob your Hoiife this Nighty and cut your Throat; and 
 for that Purpofe there is a Man difguifed like a Quaker, who 
 is to pafs for one Simon Pure ; the Gang, whereof I am one, 
 though now refolved to 7'ob no inore, has been at Briflol, one 
 of them came in the Coach with the Quaker, whofe Name he 
 hath taken ; and from what he hath gathered froin him, 
 formed that Deflgn, a?iddid not doubt but he fJiould imp of e 
 fo far upon you, as to make you turn out the real Simon 
 Pure ; and keep him with you. Make the right life of this, 
 
 Adieu Excellent well ! {Afde, 
 
 Ob. Pr, Doft thou hear this ? [T^? S. Pure. 
 
 S. Pu. Yea, but it moveth me not ; that, doubtlefs, is 
 the Impoftor. \Poi7tting to the Col. 
 
 Col. Ah ! thou wicked One — now I confider thy Face, 
 I remember thou didft come up in the Leathern Conveni- 
 ency with me — thou hadft a black Bob- wig on, and a brown 
 Camblet Coat with Brafs Buttons — Can'ft thou deny it, ha? 
 S. Pu. Yea, I can, and with a fafe Confciencetoo, Friend. 
 Ob. Pr. Verily, Friend, thou art the mofl impudent Vil- 
 lain I ever faw. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Nay, then FIl have a Fling at him. S^Aflde, 
 I remember the Face of this Fellow at Bath — Ay this is he 
 that pick'd my Lady Rajjie^s Pocket in the Grove — Don't 
 you remember that the Mob pump'd you Friend? — This 
 is the mofl notorious Rogue. 
 
 S. Pu. What dofl provoke thee to feek my Life? Tliou 
 wilt not hang me, wilt thou, wrongfully ? Ob. 
 '7 Vol. hi. 
 
258 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Ob. Pr. She will do thee no Hurt, nor thou fhalt do me 
 none ; therefore get thee about thy Bufinefs, Friend,- and 
 leave thy wicked Courfe of Life, or thou may'fl not come 
 off fo favourably every where. 
 
 CoL Go, Friend, I would advife thee, and tempt thy 
 Fate no more. 
 
 S, Fu. Yea, I will go, but it fliall be to thy Confufion ; 
 for I fhall clear myfelf : I will return with fome Proofs that 
 fhall convince thee, Obadiah^ that thou art highly impofed 
 upon. Exit. 
 
 Col. Then there will be no flaying for me, that's certain 
 What the Devil fhall I do ? iAfide. 
 
 Ob. Pr. What monflrous Works of Iniquity are there in 
 this world, Simon I 
 
 Col. Yea, the Age is full of Vice Z'death, I am fo 
 
 confounded, I know not what to fay. \^Afide. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Thou art diforder'd. Friend — art thou not well? 
 
 Col. My Spirit is greatly troubled, and fomething telleth 
 me, that 'tho I have wrought a good Work in converting 
 this Maiden, this tender Maiden, yet my Labour will be 
 in vain ; for the evil Spirit fighteth againfl her ; and I fee, 
 yea, I fee with the Eye of my inward Man, that Satan will 
 re-buffet her again, whenever I withdraw myfelf from her ; 
 and fne will, yea, this very Damfel will, return again to 
 that Abomination from whence I have retrieved her, as if it 
 were, yea, as if it were out of the Jaws of the Fiend. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Good lack, thinkeft thou fo 1 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I muft fecond him. {A/ide.) What meaneth 
 this flruggling within me 1 I feel the Spirit refifteth the 
 Vanities of this World, but the Flefh is rebellious, yea the 
 Flefn 1 greatly fear the Flefli and the Weaknefs there- 
 of hum 
 
 Ob. Pr. The Maid is infpired. [A/ide. 
 
 Col. Behold, her Light begins to fhine forth Excel- 
 lent Woman ! 
 
 Mrs. Lov. This good Man hath fpoken Comfort unto 
 me, yea Comfort, I fay ; becaufe the Words which he hath 
 breathed into my outward Ears, are gone thro' and fix'd in 
 
 mine Heart, yea verily in mine Heart, I fay ; and I feel 
 
 the Spirit doth love him exceedingly, hum. 
 
 Col. She ads it to the Life. [A/ide. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Prodigious ! The Damfel is filled with the Spi- 
 rit, Sarah. Enter 
 
A Bold Stroke for Wife. 259 
 
 Enter Mrs, Prim. 
 
 Mrs, Pr. I am greatly rejoiced to fee fuch a Change in 
 our beloved Anne. 
 
 Col, I am not difpofed for thy Food, my Spirit longeth 
 for more delicious Meat ; — fain would I redeem this Mai- 
 den from the Tribe of Sinners, and break thofe Cords a- 
 funder wherewith fhe is bound, — hum. 
 
 Mrs, Lov, Something whifpers in my Ears, methinks — 
 that I mufl be fubje6l to the Will of this good Man, and 
 
 from him only mufl hope for Confolation, hum. 
 
 It alfo telleth me, that I am a chofen Veffel to raife up 
 Seed to the Faithful, and that thou mufl confent that we 
 two be one Flefh according to the Word, hum. 
 
 Ob, Pr, What a Revelation is here ! This is certainly 
 Part of thy Vifion, Friend, this is the Maiden'i' growing 
 to thy Side ; Ah ! with what Willingnefs fhould I give thee 
 my Confent, could I give thee her Fortune too, — but thou 
 wilt never get the Confent of the wicked Ones. 
 
 Col, I wifh I was fure of yours. [^Afide, 
 
 Ob. Pr. My Soul rejoiceth ; yea, rejoiceth, I fay, to 
 find the Spirit within thee ; for lo, it moveth thee with 
 natural Agitation, — yea, with natural Agitation, towards 
 this good Man — yea, it Jlirreth^ as one may fay, — yea, 
 
 verily I fay it Jlirreth up thy Inclination, yea, as one 
 
 would Jlir a Pudding. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I fee, I fee ! the Spirit guiding of thy Hand, 
 good Obadiah Prim, and now benold thou art figning thy 
 Confent ; — and now I fee myfelf within thy Arms, my 
 Friend and Brother, yea, I am become Bone of thy Bone 
 and Flejh of thy FleJ/i. {E^nbracing hi7n,) hum. 
 
 Col, Admirably perform'd. {Afide) And I will take 
 
 thee in all Spiritual Love for an Helpmate, yea, for the 
 
 Wife of my Bofom, and now methinks 1 feel a 
 
 Longi7tgy yea, a Longing, I fay, for the Confummation 
 
 of thy Love, yea, I do long exceedingly. 
 
 Mrs, Lov. And, verily, verily, my Spirit feeleth the 
 fame Longing, 
 
 Mrs, Prim. The Spirit hath greatly moved them both, 
 
 Friend P?^im, thou mufl confent, there's no refifling 
 
 of the Spirit ! 
 
 Ob. Pr, Yea, the Light within fheweth me, that I fhall 
 
 fight a good Fight, and wreflle thro' thofe reprobate 
 
 Friends, 
 
26o A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Friends, thy other Guardians ; yea, I perceive the 
 
 Spirit will hedge thee into the Flock of the Righteous. — 
 
 Thou art a chofen Lamb, yea, a chofen Lamb, and I 
 
 will not pufh thee back. — No, I will not I fay ; no, 
 
 thou (halt leap-a, and frifk-a, and fkip-a and bound, and 
 bound I fay, yea, bound within the Fold of the Righ- 
 teous, yea, even within thy Fold, my Brother.— Fetch 
 
 me the Pen and Ink, Sarah and my Hand fhall con- 
 
 fefs its Obedience to the Spirit. 
 CoL I wifh it were over. 
 
 Filter Mrs. Prim with Pen and Ink. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I tremble left this quaking Rogue fhould re' 
 turn and fpoil all. {Afcde^ 
 
 Ob. Pr. Here, Friend, do thou write what the Spiri 
 prompteth, and I will fign it. [Col. fUs down, 
 
 Mrs. Pr. Verily, Anne, it greatly rejoiceth me, to fee 
 thee reformed from that original Wickednefs wherein I 
 found thee. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I do believe thou art, and I thank thee. 
 
 Col. (Reads) This is to cej^tify all who7n it 7nay concern, 
 that I do freely give all my Right ajid Title in Anne Lovely, 
 to Simon V\xY^,and my full Confent that fhe fJiall beco7ne his 
 Wife, according to the For77t of Marriage. Witnefs 7ny Ha7td, 
 
 Ob. Pr. That's enough, give me the Pen. \Signs it. 
 
 Filter Betty runniiig to Mrs. Lovely. 
 
 Betty. Oh I Madam, Madam, here's the quaking Man 
 again, he has brought a Coachman and two or three more. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Ruined pafl Redemption ! \Afide to Col. 
 
 Col. No, no, one Minute fooner had fpoiM all, but 
 now — here's Company coming, Friend, give me the Pa- 
 per. \Goi7ig up to Prim hafiily. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Here it is, Si7non ; and I wifh thee happy with 
 the Maiden. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. 'Tis done, and now Devil do thy worfi. 
 Fnter Simon Pure, a7id Coach77tan, &c. 
 
 S. Pu. Look, thee, Friend, I have brought thefe Peo- 
 ple to fatisfy thee that I am not that Impoftor which thou 
 did'fl take me for, this is the Man that did drive the Lea- 
 thern Conveniency, and brought me from Briflol, and 
 
 this is Col. 
 
A Bold Stroke for Wife. 261 
 
 CoL Look ye, Friend, to fave the Court the Trouble of 
 examining Witneffes — I plead guilty, ha, ha ! 
 
 Ob. Pr, How's this ! Is not thy Name Pure, then? 
 
 Col. No really. Sir, I only made bold with this Gentle- 
 man's Name but I here give it up fafe and found ; 
 
 it has done the Bufmefs which I had Occafion for, and 
 now I intend to wear my own, which fhall be at his Ser- 
 vice upon the fame Occafion at any Time. — Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 S. Pu. Oh ! the Wickednefs of the Age ! 
 
 Coachman. Then you have no further Need of us. \^Exit. 
 
 Col. No, honed Man, you may go about your Bufmefs. 
 
 Ob. Pr. I am flruck dumb with thy Impudence, Anne, 
 thou haft deceived me, and perchance undone thyfelf. 
 
 Mrs. Pr. Thou art a diffembling Baggage, and Shame 
 will overtake thee. [^Exit. 
 
 S, Pu. I am grieved to fee thy Wife fo much troubled : 
 I will follow and confole her. [£xzl. 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Thy Brother Guardians enquire for thee ; here 
 is another Man with them. 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Who can that other Man be ? \To the Col. 
 
 Col. 'Tis one Freeman, a Friend of mine, whom I or- 
 dered to bring the reft of the Guardians here. 
 
 Enter Sir Philip, Tradelove, Periwinkle, and Freeman. 
 
 Free. (To the Col) Is all fafe.? did the Letter do you 
 Service 1 
 
 Col. All, all's fafe ! ample Service. [A/ide. 
 
 Sir Phil. Mifs Nancy, how do'ft do. Child } 
 
 Mrs. Lov. Don't call me Mifs, Yxi^ndi Philip, my Name 
 is Anne, thou knoweft. 
 
 Sir Phil. What, is the Girl metamorphos'd 1 
 
 Mrs. Lov. I wifti thou wert fo metamorphos'd ? Ah ! 
 Philip, throw off that gaudy Attire, and wear the Cloaths 
 becoming thy Age. 
 
 Ob. Pr. I am afhamed to fee thefe Men. [A/ide, 
 
 Sir Phil. My Age ! the Woman is poffefs'd. 
 
 Col. No, thou art poffefs'd rather. Friend. 
 
 Trade. Hark ye, Mrs. Lovely, one Word with you. 
 
 {Takes hold of her Hand. 
 
 Col. This Maiden is my Wife, Thanks to Friend Prim, 
 and thou haft no Bufmefs with her. {Takes her from him. 
 
 Trade. 
 
262 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Trade. His Wife ! hark ye, Mr. Freeman. 
 
 Per, Why, you have made a very fine Piece of Work 
 of it, Mr. Prim. 
 
 Sir Phil. Married to a Quaker ! thou art a fine Fellow 
 to be left Guardian to an Orphan, truly — there's a Huf- 
 band for a young Lady ! 
 
 Col. When I have put on my Beau Cloaths, Sir Philip^ 
 you'll like me better. 
 
 Sir Phil. Thou wilt make a very fcurvy Beau — Friend — 
 
 Col. I believe I can prove it under your Hand that you 
 thought me a very fine Gentleman in the Park t'other 
 Day, about thirty-fix Minutes after Eleven ; will you take 
 
 a Pinch, Sir Philip One of the finefl Snuff-boxes you 
 
 ever faw. {Offers him Snuff. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ha, ha, ha ! I am overjoy'd. Faith I am, if 
 
 thou be'fl the Gentleman. 1 own I did give my Con- 
 
 fent to the Gentleman I brought here To-day ; but whe- 
 ther this is he, I can't be pofitive. 
 
 Ob. Pr. Can'fl thou not ? Now I think thou art a 
 
 fine Fellow to be left Guardian to an Orphan. — Thou fhal- 
 low-brain'd Shuttlecock, he may be a Pick-pocket for 
 ought thou do'fl know. 
 
 Per. You would have been two rare Fellows to have 
 been, trufted with the fole Management of her Fortune, 
 would ye not, think ye ? But Mr. Tradelove and myfelf 
 fhall take care of her Portion. — 
 
 Trade. Ay, ay, fo we will — Didn't you tell me the Dutch 
 Merchant defired me to meet him here, Mr. Freeman ? 
 
 Free. I did fo, and I am fure he will be here, if you'll 
 have a little Patience. 
 
 Col. What, is Mr. Tradelove impatient.^ Nay then, ik 
 been gereet voor you, heb be, Jan van Ti^ntamtirelire- 
 letta Heer van Fainwell, vergeeten } 
 
 Trade. Oh ! pox of the Name ! what have you trick'd 
 me too, Mr. Freema7i ? 
 
 Col. Trick'd, Mr. Tradelove / did not I give you two 
 Thoufand Pounds for your Confent fairly ? And now do 
 you tell a Gentleman he has tricked you } 
 
 Per. So, fo, you are a pretty Guardian, Faith, to fell 
 your Charge ; what, did you look upon her as a Part of 
 your Stock ? 
 
 Ob. Pr. Ha, ha, ha ! I am glad thy Knavery is found 
 
 out, 
 
A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 263 
 
 out, however 'I confefs this Maiden over-reached me, 
 
 and no fmifler End at all. 
 
 Per, Ay, ay, one Thing or other over-reach'd you all, 
 — but ril take care he fhall never finger a Penny of her 
 
 Money, 1 warrant you, over-reach'd quoth'a ! Why I 
 
 might have been over-reach'd too, if I had had no more 
 Wit : I don't know but this very Fellow may be him that 
 was cliredled to me from Grand Cairo t'other Day. Ha, 
 ha, ha ! 
 
 Col. The very fame. 
 
 Per, Are you fo, Sir ? but your Trick would not pafs 
 upon me. 
 
 Col, No, as you fay, at that Time it did not, that was 
 
 not my lucky Hour ; but hark ye. Sir, I mufl let you 
 
 into one Secret — — you may keep honeft John Tradefcanf?> 
 Coat on, for your Uncle Sir Toby Periwinkle is not dead, 
 — fo the Charge of Mourning will be faved, ha, ha, ha ! — 
 Don't you remember Mr. Pillage y your Uncle's Steward, 
 Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Per, Not dead, I begin to think I am trick'd too. 
 Col, Don't you remember the figning of a Leafe, Mr. 
 Periwinkle ? 
 
 Per, Well, and what fignifies that Leafe, if my Uncle is 
 not dead 1 Ha ! I am fure it was a Leafe I figned. — 
 
 Pol, Ay, but it was a Leafe for Life, Sir, and of this 
 beautiful Tenement, I thank you. [ Taking hold of 
 
 Mrs, Lovely. 
 
 O nines. Fla, ha, ha ! Neighbours Fare. 
 Free, So then, I find you are all trick'd, ha, ha ! 
 Per. I am certain I read as plain a Leafe, as ever I read 
 in my Life. 
 
 CoL You read a Leafe, I grant you, but you fign'd this 
 Contrail. {Shewing a Paper, 
 
 Per. How durfl you put this Trick upon me, Mr. Free- 
 ma7i f Didn't you tell me my Uncle was dying ? 
 
 Free. And would tell you twice as much to ferve my 
 Friend, ha, ha ! 
 
 Sir Phil. What the learned and famous Mr. Periwinkle 
 
 chous'd too \ Ha, ha, ha ! — I fliall die with Laughing, 
 
 ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Ob. Pr. It had been well if her Father had left her to 
 wifer Heads than thine and inine, Friends, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Trade. 
 
264 A Bold Stroke for a Wife. 
 
 Trade. Well, fince you have outwitted us all, pray you 
 what and who are you, Sir ? 
 
 Sir PhiL Sir, the Gentleman is a fine Gentleman 1 
 
 am glad you have got a Perfon, Madam, who underflands 
 
 Drefs and good Breeding. 1 was refolved fhe Ihould 
 
 have a Hufband of my chufing. 
 
 Ob. Pr, I am forry the Maiden is fallen into fuch 
 Hands. 
 
 Trade, A Beau ! nay, then fhe is finely help'd up. 
 
 Mrs. Lov, Why, Beaus are great Encouragers of Trade, 
 Sir, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 CoL Look ye. Gentlemen 1 am the Perfon who can 
 
 give the befl Account of myfelf, and I muft beg Sir Phi- 
 lips Pardon, when I tell him^ that I have as much Aver- 
 fion to what he calls Drefs and Breeding, as I have to the 
 Enemies of my Religion. I have had the Honour to ferve 
 his Majefty, and headed a Regiment of the bravefl Fel- 
 lows that ever pulhed Bayonet in the Throat of a French- 
 man ; and notwithflanding the Fortune this Lady brings 
 me, whenever my Country wants my Aid, my Sword and 
 Arm are at her Service. 
 
 Therefore^ my Dear, if thouHt but deign to /mile, 
 I meet a Recompence for all my Toil : 
 Love and Religio7i ne'er admit Refiraint, 
 And Force makes many Sinners, not one Saint ; 
 Still free as Air the A6live Mind does rove. 
 And fearches proper Obje^s for its Love ; 
 But that once fx'd, His pafi the Pouifr of Art 
 To chafe the dear Ldea from the Heart : 
 ^Tis Liberty of Choice that fweetens Life, 
 Makes the glad Hufband and the happy Wife. 
 
 A B i C K- 
 
A 
 
 BICKERSTAFFs BURYING; 
 
 OR, 
 
 'Work for the Upholders. 
 
 FARCE. 
 
 M 
 
To the Magnificent Company of 
 UPHOLDERS, &c. 
 
 /^UJiom has made fome Things abfolutely neceff'ary^ and 
 ^ three Sheets without a Dedication, or a Preface, by Way 
 of Excu/e, would be an unpardonable Indecency : To avoid 
 which, I was conflderingatwhofeFeettolay thefe following 
 Scenes, Firfilthoughtofofferiiigittoallthofeyomig Wives 
 who had fold themf elves for Money, and been intend with 
 Mifery,fromthefirfiDay of their Marriage ; butfuppofing 
 their chief P leaf ure to confifi in Pride, aiid that they had ra- 
 ther gratify their Ambition iii the Arms of a Fool, of Four- 
 fcore, then wed a Man ofSenfe of narrower Fortunes,! con- 
 cluded^ em unworthy of my Notice, 
 
 Then the Race of Old Men prefented themf elves in 7ny 
 Mind, who, defpifmg Women of their own Years, 7narry 
 Girls of fifteen, by which they keep open Houfe for all the 
 young Fellows in Town, in order to encreafe their Fa jni lies, 
 vnd make their Tables flourifh like the Vine : But my Aver- 
 sion to Fools of all Kinds, 7iiade 7ne decli7ie them too, 
 
 Atlafi, cafting my Eyes upon the Title of the Farce, I found 
 it could juftly belo7ig to 7ione but the Mag7iificent Company of 
 Upholders, whom the judicioitsCe7ifor Great Britain has 
 fo often condefcendedto 77ie7ttion ; to you then, worthy Sirs^ 
 whofefolemn Trai7i keepsup thepompous State of Beauty , be- 
 yo7tdthe Li7nits of a Gafp of Breath, and draws the gazi7ig 
 Wo7dd to admire, even after Death ; to you this Piece I dedi- 
 cate ; HisbutReafo7ithatyoufliouldreceivefo77ie Tributefrom 
 us living, who fo truly 7nourn us dead. What does not Man- 
 kifid owe to you ? All Ranks and Conditio7ts are obliged to 
 you ; the Aged and the Young, the Generous and the Mifer, 
 the well defce7ided and the bafer born. The Ef cutcheons gar- 
 nifh outtheHearfe, the Strea7ner sand Wax Lights, let us into 
 the Name of a Man, which, all his Life had been hid i7t 
 Obfcurity ; and 77ia7iy a Right Ho7iourable would fall unla- 
 inented, were it not f or your decent Cloaks, and difmal Faces, 
 
 that 
 
DEDICATION. 
 
 that look as forrowfiilly as the Creditors they leave U7ipaid. 
 What an immenfe Sum might be raised from your Art to 
 carry on the War, would you, like true Britons, exert your 
 Power ? The People beiitg fond of Sights, what might not 
 be gather'' d at a Ftmeral, when the Rooms are clad in Sable, 
 the Body drefs^d out with all your fkilful Care, the Tapers 
 burning in their Silver-Sockets, the weeping Virgins fixt 
 like Statues round, and aromatic Gums perfume the Cha7n- 
 bers, I think it preferable to the Puppet-fhow, and a Penny 
 a Head for all the Curious, would, I dare be pofitive, 
 amount to more than the Candle- Tax ; and fo make Death 
 fubfervient to the Living, 
 
 But this. Gentlemen, I leave to your fuperior Judgment 
 in Politick Principles ; and only beg leave to remind you, 
 that in this crouded Town, there are a prodigious Num- 
 ber of Mr, Bickerftaff^j- dead Men, that fwarm about 
 Streets ; therefore, for the Sakes of the inofl ingenious Part 
 of Mankind, you ought to take Care to litter them out of 
 the Way, fence he that does 710 Good i7i his Generation, 
 fJiould 7iot be reckoned a7no7ig the Living, 
 
 And now to conclude, Gentle7ne7t, I hope you^ll pardo7i 
 this Liberty I have taken, a7id accept this as a Token of 
 the Refpeft I bear your 7ioble Society: I honour you thd' / 
 have 710 Defire of falling into your Ha7ids, but I think we 
 Poets are i7i 710 Danger of that,/ince our real Eflate lies 
 in the Brai7t, and our Perfonal confifls in two or three 
 loofe Scenes, a few Couplets for the Tag of an A61, and a 
 flight Sketch for a So7ig, and as I take it, you are not over- 
 fofid of Paper-Credit, where there is no Probability of 
 recoveri7ig the Debt : So wifhing you better Cufioiners, I 
 except no Return, but am proud of fubfcribi7ig myfelf, 
 
 GENTLEMEN,. 
 Your mofi obedient hmnble Servant, 
 
 M 2 
 
 Dramatis 
 
Dramatis Perfonas, 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Mezro, — 
 Captain^ — 
 Boat/wain^ 
 Firji Sailor^ 
 Second Sailor^ 
 
 Mr. Norrts, 
 Mr. Bickerjiaff. 
 Mr. Spiller, 
 Mr. Pack. 
 Mr. Miller, 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Lady Mezro, — — Mrs. Knight, 
 
 I/abinda, her Niece, — Mrs. Cox, 
 
 A Lady — — — — Mrs. Kent, 
 
 Mr. Carnaby, 
 Mr. Cole. 
 Mrs. Spiller, 
 
A 
 
 BICKERSTAFF's BURYING ; 
 
 O R, 
 
 Work for the Upholders. 
 
 gj& Q— Q^^-- ie;^ « ir~^ c^juj^^r-^ C^^^ a srr- G^^ i tr- iC;^ 
 
 SCENE I. 
 
 A workiitg Sea feen at a Dijiance, with the Appearance 
 of a Head of a Ship bulging againft a Rock : Mer- 
 maids rife and fmg ; Thunder and Lightning : Then 
 the Scene fliuts. 
 
 Enter Lady Mezro, and her Niece Ifabinda, veiPd. 
 
 U^^' SS^jS'w^ don't you tell me whither you are 
 
 going, Aunt, this Morning ? I can 
 fcarce keep Pace with you. What is 
 it that tranfports you fo ? you do not 
 ufe to be fo gay. 
 Lady M. Oh, my Girl, jufl now, from my Chamber- 
 Window, I beheld a Ship, by Strefs of Weather, driven 
 on our Coaft ; which, fmce the lafl unhappy one that 
 brought me here, I have never feen ; pray Heav'n it be 
 Englifh I 
 
 Lfab, So fay I, then I fhall fee the fine Men you have 
 fo often talked of. Aunt. 
 
 Lady M. Ay, and the Country that breeds thofe Men, 
 Child, if we can handfomly get off. 
 
 Lfcib. With all my Heart ; for I hate this I fie of Cafgar, 
 and all its barbarous Laws, fmce you have informed me of 
 thofe of Great Britaiii. 
 
 Lady M. Hufh, here's fome of the Ship's Crew ; let's 
 ftep a-fide and obferve them. \Jixeunt. 
 
 Enter Captain, Boatfwain, and Sailors. 
 
 Capt, Well, how fares the Ship, has fhe any Damage ? 
 
 M 3 Boat, 
 
270 A BiCKERSTAFF^i" Burying \ or, 
 
 Boat, Only the Leak, which the Carpenter has flop'd, 
 Captain. 
 
 Cipt. That's well : I can't imagine what this Ifland 
 produces ! 
 
 Boat. Monflers, I think ; for they flare as if they never 
 had any Commerce with Mankind, or ever faw a Ship in 
 their Lives. 
 
 Capt. I queflion if ever they did, and wifh it had not 
 been our Fortune to have improved their Knowledge. 
 
 I/? Sail, I wifh fo too ; I hate making ftrange Land : 
 Who the Devil knows where to find a Wench now? 
 
 Boat. Here's a Dog, that two Hours ago, drown'd his 
 neceffary Orders with his Prayers, and now is roaring as 
 loud for a Whore. 
 
 \Ji Sail. 'Tis our Cuflom, you know ; out of Danger 
 the Sailor mufi: be merry, iTaith ; ha, ha. 
 
 i^id Sail. Nell, at the Ship at Chatham, fhall know this. 
 
 \Jl Sail, I care not a Rope's- End if fhe does : Why, 
 what the Devil , do you think I'll come into a ftrange 
 Land, and not examine what Commodity it produces ? 
 No, no. Faith ; Nick muft know if the Females here be 
 Fifh or Flefh, before he puts off again. 
 
 Capt. Ha, ha ; Well, well, take Care you han't your 
 Brains beat out ; Go, difperfe yourfelves, and fee what 
 Provifions you can get. I juft now met a Native of the 
 Country ; who tells me, that the Prince is coming this 
 Way : He underftands a little of the Arabian Tongue, 
 and has promis'd to introduce me to him ; that I may en- 
 deavour, by fome Prefents, to gain his Leave to refit our 
 Ship, and fupply our Wants. 
 
 Boat, Where fhall we find you, Mafter 1 
 
 Exeunt Boatfwain and Sailors. 
 
 Capt, Here, or hereabouts. Now for this Cabbaciica, 
 Adiheart, what a Name's there ! If the Prince be as bar- 
 barous as his Name, we had as good perifh'd in the Storm : 
 But I wonder the Fellow comes not, that is to condu(fl me 
 to Court ; that is, I fuppofe, to a King fitting under a 
 Palm-tree : What would I give for a Friend there ? 
 
 Enter Lady Mezro and Ifabinda. 
 
 Lady M. ( Clappi?tg him on the Shoulder.) What would 
 you give, Captain 1 
 
 Capt. 
 
Work for the Upholders. 
 
 271 
 
 Capt. Ha ! EngliJIi I Nay, then I am not fo far out of 
 Knowledge as I imagin'd. 
 
 Lady M, You are a great Way from the Rofe in Covent- 
 Garden, I promife you. 
 
 Capt, The Rofe in Covent-Garden I Let me fee thy Face, 
 thou dear Angel, or I die. {^Einbraces he7\ 
 
 Lady M. Die ! Nay, then you have chang'd your Incli- 
 nation with the Clime ; you never us'd to die for an old 
 Acquaintance. 
 
 Capt, Ah ! an old Acquaintance, here. Child, is wel- 
 comer than old Wine, and the Accident will give it a new 
 Rehfh. 
 
 Lady M. Say you fo ? well, whether you fpeak Truth 
 or not, I protefl this Sight of you pleafes me better than 
 the firfl ; and now, Sir, I am your humble Servant. 
 
 {Turns tip her VeiL 
 
 Capt. Ha ! Mrs. Take-it I Why, what Wind blew you 
 hither ? 
 
 Lady M. Jufl fuch another as brought you, I fancy ; 
 our Ship was bound to Madra/s, 
 Capt, So was mine. 
 
 Lady M. After three Days tempeftuous Weather, hav- 
 ing lofl our Main-maft, and all our Tackle, expelling 
 nothing but Death, when by a fudden Gufl our Veffel was 
 driven upon yon dreadful Rock, which fplit her into a 
 thoufand Pieces, and only I by Providence was fav'd. 
 
 Capt. Thank Heav'n, Pve not lofl one Man ; I pity 
 your Misfortune, and yet, by your Appearance, 'tis a 
 Fault to pity you, for it has turned to your Advantage. 
 Prithee what Bufmefs had you in the Indies ? 
 
 Lady To get a Hufband ; you know few Women 
 go there but to make their Fortunes. 
 
 Capt. Which I fuppofe you have done here. Madam ? 
 
 Lady Af. An Emir, which is a Lord, you mufl under- 
 ftand, walking by the Sea-fide, fpied me on the Rock, and 
 kindly help'd me down, fell in Love, and married me ; 
 and I am now one of the greatefl Women upon the Place. 
 
 Capt. I am glad on't, with all my Soul. Who is this 
 Lady ? another of my old Acquaintance too ? 
 
 Lady M. No, I promife you ; there's a Face never faw 
 Covent'Garden. She's my Hufband's Niece, the befh hu- 
 mour'd Woman in the World ; and for her Beauty, let 
 M 4 that 
 
272 A Bickerstaff'5' Burying \ or, 
 
 that fpeak for itfelf, {turns up her Veil) fo, I fee by your 
 Eyes you like her. 
 
 I/ab. Grant, Great Prophet, that he may ! for I hke 
 him, Tm fure. [AJide. 
 
 Capt, Like her ! PGad, if your I Hand's peopled with 
 fuch Angels, 'tis certainly the Land of Promife, and every 
 Ship will put in here for Provifion. 
 
 Lady M, She's the only handfome one in it, I promife 
 you ; her Mother was Englijh^ and caft hither by fuch an- 
 other Accident as rnyfelf. 
 
 Ifab, And do you think this Face will do in Covent- 
 Garden^ Captain? 
 
 Capt. In Covent-Garden, Madam ! Where would it not 
 do? Ha! your Skin's as fmooth as the Sea in a Calm, 
 and your Eyes outfhinethe Sun after a Storm ; your Voice 
 as fweet as Syrens Songs ; and 'tis greater Pleafure to be- 
 hold you, than Land after a dangerous Voyage. Pll fettle 
 here, I'm refolv'd. 
 
 Lady M. Ah, the right London flrain. [Ajlde. 
 
 Ifab. And I'de rather go with him. {Afide, 
 
 Capt, Where the Devil is my Ship's Crew ? I'll have 
 the Bottom of my Veffel beat out immediately, that I may 
 never put to Sea again. 
 
 Ifab. I'm afraid, young Gentleman, you'll change your 
 Note if you knew the Cuflom of this Country. 
 
 Lady Indeed, my quondam Spark, you'd be glad to 
 get off in a Cock-Boat if you do, by that Time you have 
 
 been married half fo long as I have been I'm fure I 
 
 would. 
 
 Capt, Ay ! why fo ? you fhine in Jewels. 
 
 Lady M. I once thought Riches the greateft, but now 
 find them the leafl Part of Happinefs. 
 
 Capt. Oh, you want to fee dear England again, and da- 
 zle the Eyes of your old Acquaintance. 
 
 Lady M. That's not the Caufe. 
 
 Capt. Your Hufband is old, I fuppofe. 
 
 Lady M. True. 
 
 Capt. What is that to my Repentance ? This Lady is 
 young. 
 
 Lady M. Then he is as ugly as a Baboon. 
 Capt. Yet wide ; this Lady's as handfome as a Cherubim. 
 Lady M. He's as jealous as a Spaniard^ as barbarous as 
 
 a Turk, 
 
Work for the Upholders. 273 
 
 a Turk^ and as ill-natur'd as an old Woman ; and I hate 
 him as heartily as one Beauty does another ; yet fear him 
 as much as you Merchant-Men do a French Privateer. 
 
 Capt. Why there^s nothing fuper-natural in all this ; 
 Women hate their Hufbands all the World over. 
 
 Ifab. Fm fure I fhould never hate you, if I had you 
 once. {Afide.) And are not you even with us, Captain .^^ 
 
 Capt. I won't anfwer for the whole Sex ; but Til engage 
 for myfelf, if thou'lt but try me, Child. 
 
 Ifab. Firfl hear the Conditions annext to Matrimony ; 
 then, if you'll venture 
 
 Capt. Venture ! W^hat the Devil dofl think I that have 
 fac'd fo many Dangers, fhould be afraid of frefh Water ? 
 
 Lady M. Have a care what you fay, Captain ; for fix to 
 four but you'll wifh yourfelf unmarried again, as heartily 
 as I do. 
 
 Enter Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. Oh Madam ! undone ! undone ! my Lord's jufl 
 dying. 
 
 Lady M. Ah ! 
 
 Capt. Undone ! Pifh, Pox, 'tis the bed News thou ever 
 brought'fl in thy Life, Wench. 
 
 Lady M. Ruin'd ! pafl Redemption ! Oh, that ever I 
 was born ! 
 
 Capt. Ha ! what's the Meaning of this t 
 
 Ifab. Oh unhappy Woman ! 
 
 Capt. Unhappy ! Adlheart, I fhou'd have guefs'd her 
 the happieft Woman in the World, now. 
 
 Lady M. Fly, call Phyficians flrait, here, bribe 'em with 
 Jewels, {tears off the yewels) give 'em a King's Ranfom, 
 if they can but fave his Life, load 'em with Wealth 'till 
 they fmk beneath the W^-eight. Oh ! my lateft Hour is 
 come ! 
 
 Capt. What the Devil can be the Matter ? why all this 
 Noife ? Here's none but Friends ; I don't apprehend that 
 any body can over-hear you ; this is fomething like the 
 Irifh Cry ; I fuppofe it is the Cuftom of the Country. 
 
 [Afcde. 
 
 Lady M. Oh no ! Neither Heaven nor Earth will hear 
 me now ! I'm lofl, for ever loft ! Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Capt. Humph ! now I have found it ; all the Eftate 
 goes with him, I warrant. 
 
 VOL. III. M 5 Lady 
 
2 74 A Bickerstaff'^ Burying] or^ 
 
 Lady M, Eflate ! fink the Eflate ! my Life goes with 
 him ? 
 
 Ifab, Oh cruel, oh inhuman Law ! 
 
 Capt, What a-pox, fhe wont die for the Man fhe hates, 
 will fhe ? Did you not wifh to be unmarried jufl now ? 
 and are you forry that your Hufband's a-dying? The 
 Woman's diflradled fure 1 
 
 Lady M, Oh, I mull be buried with him alive ! O 
 dreadful Thought. [Ru7ts off, 
 
 Capt Ha ! how's that ? Buried alive ! I'm Thunder- 
 flruck ! Say, I conjure you, Madam, {To Ifabindd) and 
 explain to me this Riddle. 
 
 Ifab, It is, Sir, the barbarous Cuftom of our Country ; 
 firft ordain'd from frequent Poifoning here, that which fo- 
 ever of the married Pair died firfl, the Survivor is buried 
 with alive, drefl, and adorn'd, for a fecond Nuptial. 
 
 Capt. E'gad, it has turn'd my Stomach againfl the firfl. 
 {AJlde.) Unheard of Barbarity ! Is none exempt the Pain 
 of the Country ? 
 
 I/ab, None ; all let down a deep hollow Mountain, with 
 fome Loaves of Bread, and fome Bottles of Water on 
 which they may feed for fome time, and then expire with- 
 in the loathfome Dungeon. My Mother in her Bloom 
 was with my Father buried : I was but thrice three Moons 
 old ; yet I remember even then it rais'd a Horror in me, 
 and as I grew up, fixt a Refolution in me, never to wed in 
 this curft Place. 
 
 Capt, Faith, you had Reafon, Madam, and I admire 
 that any body does. 
 
 J/ab, Cuftom has made it eafy to the true Cofgarian 
 Race, but I have a Britijh Soul. 
 
 Capt, You muft be refcued from this Impofition ; your 
 Aunt too muft be fav'd. 
 
 Ifab, But how 1 If he dies, the Officers of Juftice feize 
 her ; nay, 'tis Death for all the Houfhold if Information 
 be not given ftrait. Upon the Wedding-day, two Coffins 
 are always brought into the Bride- Chamber, as part of the 
 Ceremony. 
 
 Capt, E'gad, I ftiould have fmall Appetite to finifti the 
 Ceremony at the Sight of 'em. 
 
 Ifab, This is the deplorable State of Matrimony in our 
 Country. 
 
 Capt, 
 
Work for the Upholders. 275 
 
 Capt. If it were the Cuflom all over the World, we 
 young Fellows fhould live delicioufly ; Women would be 
 as plenty as Blackberries ; we might put forth our Hands 
 and take them without Jointures, Settlements, Pin-money, 
 Parfon, and fo forth. \^Noife^ 
 
 I fab. Hark ! I hear a Noife ! Oh, my poor Aunt ! I 
 muft in, and fee the Event. 
 
 Capt. Firft promife me that if I contrive a Way to bear 
 you hence, you'll confent to go with me 1 
 
 I/a^, With all my Heart, there's my Hand upon it ; we 
 have no Time for Courtfhip ; Til meet you here again in 
 an Hour. [^Exit, 
 
 Capt. Now if I can but handfomly carry off thefe Wo- 
 men, their Jewels will turn to better Account than an 
 Eajt-India Voyage. 
 
 Enter Boatfwain and Sailors. 
 
 Well, what Cheer, my Lads I have feen the Prince, 
 and obtain'd his Leave for every Thing I afk'd. 
 
 ijl Sail. Cheer ! why Faith, Captain, we fail diredlly 
 before the Wind ; and I want but your Confent to make 
 the richefl Port in the Univerfe. 
 
 Capt. What do you mean .'^ 
 
 \Ji Sail. What ! why I can have a fine Lady here, with 
 as many Jewels about her as will ballafl a Ship, if you'll 
 but give me my Difcharge ; nay, I won't be ungrateful 
 for it neither, you fhall have all my Pay : What fay you, 
 M after, will you lend me your Hand to heave me into 
 good Fortune ? 
 
 id Sail. Will you be falfe-hearted then, Nick ? Nell 
 will hang herfelf in her Garters when fhe hears it. 
 
 \Jl Sail. Let her, let her, what care I : Odsfifh ! do you 
 think I'd leave a firft Rate for a Frigate ; forfake a fine 
 Lady for Nell? That's quitting a Bowl of Punch for a 
 Draught of Sea-water. {Spitting. 
 
 Boat. I wonder what fhe faw in that ugly Phiz of thine, 
 that's always as dirty as the Hammock youfwing in ; and 
 as feldom wafh'd as your Shirt, which is not once a Quarter. 
 
 2d Sail. Ha, ha ! Oh, fhe fell in Love with his Nofe or 
 his Legs. 
 
 \fl Sail. Why, what Fault can you find with my Nofe? 
 Bob. Ha ! 'tis found, and perhaps that's more than yours 
 is. M 6 Boat. 
 
276 A Bickerstaff's? Burying ; or, 
 
 Boat. Nay, nay, don't find Fault with his Nofe, it is 
 like the Bowfprit, and his Legs would ferve for a Main- 
 mafl ; I warrant the Jade underflands Sailing, and fo 
 wifely provides againfl Strefs of Weather, ha, ha. 
 
 \Ji Sail, I'faith, fhe's a tite Veffel, and Til man her as 
 titely, I warrant ye, my Lads. 
 
 Capt, Ha, ha ; hark ye, Sirrah ; there's fuch Condi- 
 tions entaird upon this Woman, you are fo fond of, that 
 will make you as Wife-fick, as the Sea did in your firfl 
 Voyage. 
 
 \Ji Sail, Aye, it's no Matter for that. Captain; you 
 muft not think to ferve me as you do a Whale, fling out 
 an empty Cafl<: till the Subflancc gets by. Look ye, Maf- 
 ter, to fetch up half her Wealth, I'd dive to the Bottom of 
 the Sea, and venture being fwallow'd by a Shark, Nick 
 would, I'faith, Mafler. 
 
 id Sail, Well faid, Nick ; E'gad I warrant you think 
 to be an Ambral now. 
 
 \Ji Sail. Why, why not, if I have Money enough to buy 
 it ? And I will be an Ambral too, for all you, and my 
 Mafter here, fliall be my Rear- Ambral. 
 
 Capt. Oh, your very humble Servant, Mr. Admiral 
 
 but fuppofe your Wife fhould die, Nick ? 
 
 T/? Sail, Better and better ftill ! her Gold, and precious 
 Stones, won't die too ; and E'gad, I'll driijk to her good 
 Voyage in a Bowl of Punch, clap my Riches abroad, and 
 hoifl: Sail for merry England. 
 
 Capt, Ha, ha. Do you know that the Law of this Ifland 
 buries the living Hufband with the dead Wife. 
 
 ijl Sail. Ha ! The Devil it does ! 
 
 Capt, 'Tis even fo. 
 
 Boat, Ambral, I wifn you much Joy. 
 
 \Jl Sail. Alive ! 
 
 2d Sail, What, is the Wind chop'd full in your Teeth, 
 Nick 1 Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 \Jl Sail, Ay, Faith, and blows fohard, that it fhallblow 
 my Head off e're I make the Port of Matrimony in this 
 Ifland. Buried with her.^ quotha ! E'gad, I always thought 
 the Wedding-flieet the Winding-flieet of Pleafure, after a 
 Month ; but to have no Hopes beyond her ; Zounds ! I 
 had rather fit in the Bilboes all Days of my Life. I'll 
 aboard this Minute. Boatfwai^t, yougrumbl'd at my good 
 Fortune juft now, take her yourfelf if you will. Boat. 
 
Work for the Upholders. 277 
 
 Boat. The Devil take me if I do. 
 
 Capt. I told you I fhould take off the Edge of your Ap- 
 petite : Go, go, try and get the Ship off : rll be aboard 
 immediately. Have you got any Provifions 1 
 
 Boat. That we have, good Store. 
 
 Capt. Well, well, be gone then. 
 
 I/?. Sail. Ay, with all my Heart ; if I get once aboard, 
 ril flick as clofe to the Ship as Pitch to a Rope ; and fmk 
 with her rather than come afhore again. Buried with a 
 Wife ! the Devil ! Exetmt Sailors. 
 
 Capt. Let me confider ; what Stratagem fhall I ufe to 
 carry off the Women. 
 
 Enter Ifabinda. , 
 
 Ifab. There's a fad Houfe within ; but hang me if I 
 don't fancy my Uncle counterfeits ; for in my Mind his 
 Pulfe beats as regular as mine. 
 
 Capt. Ha ! Say you fo ? Then I have it. Convey me 
 into the Houfe, where I'll tell you the Plot, to free you 
 from thefe Apprehenfions. 
 
 Ifab. If you effedl it you are a Deity. Come along with 
 me ; in this Confufion I can preferve you undifcover'd. 
 
 Capt. Along then. \_Exeunt^ 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 The Emir 07t a Couch, with his Wife weeping by hiin, and 
 Atte7idanis round about. Table, Conch, 2 Chairs, Gal- 
 lypois, &c. 
 
 Lady. Oh DiRracSlion ! Look up my Lord, my Love, 
 my Hufband ! Oh, you v^^ill break my Heart, and I fnali 
 go before you ! Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Emir. The Stars forbid ! Oh, oh ! {Groans. 
 
 Lady. Ah ! Help ye Slaves Gently bear him up— 
 
 Rub his Temples Apply the Hartfhorn to his Nofe — 
 
 Oh fpeak and tell me how you do, my Dear ! Oh, oh, 
 
 oh ! \Roars out. 
 
 Emir. Very bad Oh, oh ! 
 
 Lady. Are you very bad, my Love ? What will become 
 of me 1 \_Afide. 
 
 Em. Very bad indeed, Wife Oh, I fhall not live 
 
 this Day, I doubt. 
 
 Lady. Ah ! What do I hear ! Oh, ye cruel Powers, 
 
 — Vv^hy was I caft upon this Shoar ? Curfe on thefe glitter- 
 ing 
 
278 A Bickerstaff'^ Burying; or, 
 
 ing Bawbles, whofe bewitching Luflre cheats us of true 
 Happinefs. {fears off her Jewels!) AThirfl of Riches drew 
 me from that Land where Widow-hood is happy — to die 
 within a loathfome Dungeon, unpitied and forlorn. 
 
 Em. What does fhe fay now? Prithee, my Dear, 
 
 don't affli6l yourfelf fo much You'll be fick my Love — 
 
 Lady, But you'll die, my Love Sick, quotha ! Good 
 
 Heaven ! Can I be well when you are dying ? 
 
 Em. Oh, you think of the Cuftom of our Country, 
 Wife ; you fear to be buried with me, that's all. 
 
 Lady. All does he call it \^Afide. 
 
 Em. Now, if it had pleas'd Great Mahomet, that thou 
 fhouldfl have gone firfl, I Ihould have accompanied thee 
 with Pleafure 
 
 Lady. That's more than I fhall do you, I'm fure. {^Afide, 
 So fhall I you, my Dear, as to any Bufmefs I have with 
 Life, when thou'rt gone : but the Pain to fee thee die, to 
 part with thee for ever, is the Shock that Nature feels — 
 but 'tis unkindly urg'd to think I fear the Cuflom of the 
 Ifland — for what Joy could I have when thou art gone ? 
 
 Em. I doubt fhe lies — But this is the only Way I could 
 ever find to keep her in Subje6lion ; for as foon as I am well, 
 whip ! fhe's fcamper'd, and I have no more Comfort of a 
 Wife than I fhould have in her Grave : If all Englijh 
 Wives are fuch Gadders, Heaven help their Hufbands, I 
 fay 
 
 Lady. How dofl thou do. Jewel ? 
 
 Em. I think I am a little better ; I believe I could eat 
 a Leg of that Chicken within 
 
 Lady. Fly ye Slaves, and fetch it inflantly. Oh, all ye 
 Powers, that prote6l our Lives, I thank ye ; I feel the 
 Springs of Joy recruit ; thy Words run thro' my Soul with 
 
 fuch exulting Pleafure, that 'tis all one Rapture Oh, 
 
 let me hold thee ever in my Arms Oh ! that fmgle 
 
 Word, Better has more Harmony in it than the Mufic 
 
 of the Spheres Thus let me kifs it from thy Lips, 'tis 
 
 the richefl Cordial Nature could produce to laife my fink- 
 ing Hopes. {Einbraces and kiffes him in an Exta/y.) Where 
 are you. Slaves, why do you flay so long. 
 
 Enter Servants. 
 
 Em. Ah, this Wife of mine does but countefeit this 
 
 Love 
 
Work for the Upholders. 279 
 
 Love to me, I fear If our Law did not bury the Liv- 
 ing with the Dead, here would be no Joy for my Recovery. 
 
 Lady, Come, my Dear, fhall I cut it for thee ? 
 
 Em, No, ril not trouble thee. \^He cuts and eats greedily, 
 'Tis very good : Won't you eat a Bit of it. Deary 1 
 
 Lady. No, thou fhalt eat it all He feeds heartily : 
 
 Ah, if I had him in Old England, I fhould wifh it were his 
 
 lafl Oh, the vafl Difference between a Widow's Weed 
 
 and a Winding-Sheet, betv/een the civil Ceremonies of 
 (bedding Tears at the Grave, and the barbarous Cuflom 
 of making one's Bed there. 
 
 Em, How pleas'd fhe is ? Ah, wou'd fhe be in this good 
 Humour always 
 
 Lady, Much good may do you, my Dear. {Kijfes him, 
 
 Em, I thank you, my Love Ah, you little Rogue, 
 
 how warm your Buffes are [Rifcs from the Table) Od, 
 
 they infufe new Life into me ; and methinks I feel Health 
 
 pop into my Heart, like a Pop-gun Another Kifs, my 
 
 Dearefl {Kijfes her,) So, fo, thou hafl done it, thou 
 
 haft done it, thou dear Rogue Go, what do you ftare 
 
 at ? be gone and leave your Lady and I alone 
 
 \^To the Servants, 
 
 Lady, Say you fo alone ! alas, are you fit to be left 
 
 alone leave a dying Man alone Let them ftir if they 
 
 dare 1 fhall take better Care of you than that comes 
 
 to, my Dear. 
 
 Em, Pifh, Pifh, I tell thee I am out of Danger. 
 
 Lady, I wifh thou wert 
 
 E)n. Indeed I am, and thou fhalt find it fo ; therefore, 
 prithee let them go [ Winking at her. 
 
 Lady, Alas, I fear you are light-headed, my Dear ; Aye, 
 your Pulfe is upon the Galop ; you are in a raging Fever, 
 
 Oh, woe is me ! Oh, oh, oh ! Away, fome of ye, 
 
 and fetch a Doclor. 
 
 Em. Pfha, pfha ; I tell thee thou art miftaken ; I am in 
 no Fever but what proceeds from thy pretty pouting Lips, 
 and thou art the beft Phyfician, let me kifs them again ; 
 ye, ye, ye, ye, dear foft Charmer, ye, ye. 
 
 Lady. Are you fure you are well ? 
 
 Em, Very fure on't, my Dear Come, let us take a 
 
 Nap together. 
 
 Lady. You know I can't fleep in the Day-time : befides, 
 
 you 
 
28o A BickerstaffV Burying ; or, 
 
 you ought to return your Prophet Thanks for your Reco- 
 very 
 
 Em. Oh, that Pll do To morrow. 
 
 Lady, To-morrow ! A Man of your Years ought to be 
 afham'd of deferring Things of that Kind till To-morrow. 
 
 Em. Why, Child, upon Occafion one may 
 
 Lady. Occafion ! What Occafions have People of your 
 Age for Life, but to pray— 
 
 Eifi. Have Women in your Country no other Bufmefs 
 for their Hufbands, my Dear ? 
 
 Lady. No 
 
 Em. Humpth ! That was the Reafon you left it, I 
 doubt 
 
 Lady. Ah ! would I had never left it 
 
 Em. But come, come, you jefl but with me. Lticy, 
 
 fetch your Lady's Night gown 1 love to fee her in her 
 
 Night-gown Ah, thofe roguifli Eyes ! Another Kifs 
 
 and then 
 
 Lady. You love to fee me in my Night-gown, I think 
 
 I fhan't confult your Fancy much Prithee no more 
 
 Sleeping ; your Breath's ready to flrike one down, and 
 your Beard's as rough as a Hedge-hog. Lucy^ fetch me 
 my Veil, I have a Vifit to make. 
 
 Lucy. Yes, Madam. {Exit. 
 
 Em. So, (he's no Changeling, I find ; never Man had 
 
 fuch a Wife, certainly 1 mufl always be fick, or fhe'll 
 
 always be but of Humour. {A/ide.) Sure you'll not leave 
 me, Wife. 
 
 Lady. Indeed but I (hall, Hufband. [Enter Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. Here's the Veil, Madam. [She puts it on. 
 
 Em. Well, go then, I won't hinder you Shadock, 
 
 give me my Cloak ; I'll go fee the Grand Emir, and pafs 
 away the Time a little till your Lady's Return, 
 
 Lady. Well, now I like your Humour. You fhou'd al- 
 ways let your Wife go, when and where fhe pleafes. 
 
 Em. That I refolve for the future Ha ! what ails 
 
 me Blefs me, I'm very fick o'th' Sudden ; oh, oh ! 
 
 pray lead me to my Bed, or I fhall die this Moment. 
 
 Lady. Ha ! what's that, die fay you? [throws off her Veil. 
 Oh wretched me ! here, here, here, here, take a little of 
 this, my Lord. Judgment is pronounc'd againft my Life, 
 
 and 
 
Work for the Upholders. 281 
 
 and I mull die at lafl. {A/cde.) Away, and call the 
 
 Phyficians : Hafle, fly, oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Em. No, no, 'twill off again ; 'tis only a Fit thy 
 
 Kindnefs is my befl Cordial. Fll try to refl a little. 
 
 Lady, Withdraw all of you, and feparate into Silence. 
 Fll watch by thee. Heaven fend my Love a comfortable 
 
 Nap What Diflradlions tear my Breafl — Now Hope, 
 
 then Defpair, with alternate Sway, exercife their Power, 
 and no kind Glimpfe of Safety offers me Relief. 
 
 Enter Ifabinda. 
 
 If a. Oh Aunt, the Captain is without, and has a Secret 
 to deliver us from this Place if you'll but help the Defign. 
 
 Lady, Bring him in : If your Uncle wakes Til tell him 
 it is a Dodlor. 
 
 Enter Captain and whifpers the Lady. 
 I fab. Here he is. 
 
 Capt, Do ye this, and Fll be ready to finifli it. {Exit, 
 
 Lady, Fll venture. Oh Fortune, be this once propi- 
 tious, and Fll fubmit my future Life, without the leafl 
 Complaint. Ah ! my Head turns round ! Oh, I faint, I 
 die ! {Swoons, 
 
 Ifab, Ah Help ! Help ! Where are you 1 My Aunt's 
 dead. Help ! Help ! {The Emir rifes^ runs, and 
 
 catches hold of his Wife, 
 
 Em, Fm Thunder-flruck Oh, oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Serv, Ha ! Dead ! Nay, then, where are the Coffins ? 
 
 {Exeunt Servants. 
 
 Emir, Oh, woe is me ! Speak to me, my Dear ; fpeak 
 to me ; fpeak to me. 
 
 Ifab, As I fufpedled : See how nimble he is at the Ap- 
 prehenfion of being buried with her. What fhall I do ? 
 fhe's breathlefs quite 
 
 Emir, Oh, oh, oh ! {Roars cut,) Undone, undone, for 
 ever — 
 
 Ifab, Ay, it is you who have been the Caufe, oh, wretched 
 Man ! Prophet, thou art not jufl. 
 
 Emir. Wretched indeed. I confefs I did but counter- 
 feit Oh Alia, {kneels) pardon my Deceit, and give me 
 
 back her Life, and let her cuckold me with every Thing 
 fhe meets ; let her be the veriefl Wife that ever England 
 
 bred, 
 
282 A Bickerstaff'j Burying ; or, 
 
 bred, I never will be jealous more ! oh, oh ! (Gets up and 
 runs to her^ and feels her Pul/e, then rubs her Temples, 
 and prays again ) Is there any Hopes, Niece ? 
 
 Ifab. No, none. Oh diflra(5ling Thought ! This comes 
 of your frightening her fo. 
 
 Emir, Oh forgive me, Niece, for I truly repent : Alas ! 
 I did it only to keep her in Subje6lion. Oh fetch the Cor- 
 dial which I, like a falfe Wretch, had no Occafion for ! 
 Oh ! I do believe fhe lov'd me now ! Oh Niece, try, try, 
 to pour fome down her Throat ; for I tremble fo, I can- 
 not guide it to her Lips. 
 
 Ifab. Alas ! her Teeth are fet : She's gone ! for ever gone ! 
 
 Emir, Then Tm gone too ! \Burfls out again into Tears, 
 Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Enter Servants with two Coffins, 
 
 Ifab. Oh killing Sight ! {kneels) Thou glorious Sun af- 
 fifl us now and we are happy. \Afide, 
 
 E7nir, Ay do, do pray for thy Uncle, Child : Oh, oh, 
 oh ! 
 
 Ifab, I have Occafion for my Prayers myfelf, at this 
 Time, I thank ye, for I am afraid we are in the greater 
 Danger at prefent. {Afde, 
 
 Emir, ( Turns aiid fees the Coffins^ Oh, oh, oh, that ever 
 I married ! Where fhall I hide myfelf ? Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 [Runs off, 
 
 Serv, Stop him, flop him. [Exeunt Servants. 
 
 Ifab, Call the Officers of Juflice flrait ; I muft be cruel 
 here. So he's gone, Captain, come forth. 
 
 Enter Captain. 
 
 Lady. I'm almofl choak'd with holding my Breath fo 
 long ; what's to be done now.^ Pray Heaven we profper ! 
 
 Ccipt. I warrant you, Madam, come, come, be quick, 
 you mufl aboard this Minute. Have you any Thing you 
 would take with you ? 
 
 Ifab, I have pack'd up all your Jewels, and every Thing 
 of Value here. Madam : Mercy on me, how I tremble ! 
 
 Lady. And I'm ready to fmk with Fear : If we are 
 taken we are undone, and you lofe your Lives. 
 
 Capt, Nothing like a good Courage : Come, let's not 
 ftand difputing, and lofe the lucky Minute. 
 
 Lady, 
 
Work for the Upholders. 283 
 
 Lady, From thefe curfl Laws, oh let me 'fcape with Life. 
 Ifab. And make me any Creature but a Wife. 
 Capt, Your Wealth at any Time decides the Strife. 
 
 \Exetint, 
 
 SCENE III. 
 A Cofgarian Lady, dragging in the firji Sailor, 
 Lady, Nay, don^t think to leave me, Sir, did you not 
 promife to flay here 1 
 
 iji Sail. But will you promife not to die before me 
 then ? Anfwer me that : Adlbud, w^ho do you think to 
 choufe ? ha ! 
 
 Lady, What are you afraid to die with her you love ? 
 
 ijl Sail. Love ! Zounds ! does any body love a Woman 
 well enough to die with her 1 
 
 Lady. Yes, certainly, with their Wives. 
 
 ijl Sail. That's a Miftake, d'ye fee ; for of all the Wo- 
 men in the World we care the leafl for our Wives, in my 
 Country. 
 
 Lady. That's ftrange. Why, I fhould rejoice to die with 
 you, pretty EngliJJunan, 
 
 \Ji Sail. Aye, one Way, perhaps, pretty Devil ! But to 
 be plain with you, I defire to die no Way with you at all ; 
 and fo I fhear off. [Going, 
 
 Lady, Stay. Cannot Gold and Jewels tempt you 
 
 \_Shews Gold and Jewels, 
 
 iji Sail. No. 
 
 Lady. What are you Englijhinen made on 1 
 \Jl Sail. Flefh and Blood, Child : If I can find one of 
 Iron and Steel, I'll recommend him to you. 
 Lady. Iron and Steel ! What kind of Men are they 1 
 ift Sail. Oh, Things that are fo well acquainted with 
 the Earth, that they'll lie twenty Years in it and take no 
 Hurt : Now for my Part, I have as much Antipathy to 
 frefli Mould as frefh Water ; and had rather eat Sea-Bifket 
 than a green Sod ; and the Wind will as foon blow North 
 and by South, as I be prevail'd upon to turn in with you. 
 
 Lady. Faint-hearted Wretch ! Take me with you, then, 
 to your World. 
 
 \Jl Sail. Look ye, I'll have nothing to do with you at 
 all ; and there's your Anfwer ; and if you offer to flop me, 
 I fhall make ufe of my Cat of Nine Tails, in troth I fhall. 
 
 Zounds ! 
 
284 A Bickerstaff's Burying- ; or y 
 
 Zounds ! I never had fuch an Averfion for a Woman in my 
 Life. [Exi^ Sailor. 
 
 Lady. Sure this is Tome Sea-Monfler, it cannot be a 
 Man, and Proof againfl Gold and Jewels. 
 
 The European's God is Gold, we Vidians fay, 
 
 Then dare they fly from that to which they pray ? 
 
 When next 
 
 To th' fhining Ore thou doft for Mercy fue, 
 
 As you've been deaf to me, may that be deaf to you. 
 
 \Exit. 
 
 Enter fecond Sailor. 
 
 2d Sail. Ha ! the Woman here that Nick fhould have 
 had ; a faint-hearted Dog ! Now have I a Mind to knock 
 her Brains out, and carry off her Jewels. 
 
 Lady. What's here another of the puny Knaves 1 
 
 [A Whijlle within. 
 
 id Sail. Ha ! the Bofon's Whiflle ! nay then I muftbe 
 fpeedy ; and yet I can't find in my Heart to kill her. 
 
 [ Whijile again. 
 Adftieart, I fhall be left afhoar ; I mufl away. 
 
 Lady. You look diforder'd. Sir ; are you in Love ? 
 
 id Sail. With your rare glift'ning Stones I am ; and if 
 your damn'd Fafliion did not heave the living Hufband o're 
 board with the dead Wife, I did not care if I faid I was 
 in love with you. 
 
 Lady. Then take me where we may live for ever ; for 
 indeed I don't like this Cuftom amongfl us, but mufl obey 
 it. Come, bear me hence, and I will load thee with 
 Wealth enough to buy thy Country. 
 
 [ WMJile and hollow within. 
 
 id Sail. Ha ! I have no Time to think ; come along 
 then ; Fll venture to fwing in a Hammock with you for 
 once. 
 
 Blow gently, Boreas, Neptune^s Rage confound, 
 And fet us fafely upon Britijh Ground, 
 Where we will drink and fmg till the whole World goes 
 round. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE IV. 
 
 The Emir dragged in by Officers, with Servants bringing 
 in Loaves of Bread and Bottles of Water. 
 
 Off. What, a Native of Cofgar, and tremble at its 
 
 Laws ! 
 
Work for the Upholders. 285 
 
 Laws ! when even our Kings are fubje6l to 'em. For 
 
 Shame, Emir, bear yourfelf like a Man Come, open 
 
 the Coffin, and put in the Loaves and Water. 
 
 Einir. Ah, I fliall have but fmall Stomach to eat. \afide. 
 Confound our Laws ; Fm informed that no Part of the 
 World is curfl with fuch, but only us, the refl live as long 
 
 as they can : To be buried alive Oh curs'd Cuflom ! 
 
 Oh, oh, oh ! In perfedl Health too ! Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Off.. In Health ! nay my Lord, that you are not ; every 
 body expecTted your Death this Morning ; the Fright of 
 which, 1 fuppofe, has caus'd your Lady's : Fm fure every 
 body thought you very ill. 
 
 Emir. Aye, and may be every body thought me willing 
 to die, but every body was miftaken. 
 
 Off. My Lord, we have no Time for Talking ; it is not 
 in our Powers to prevent your Fate. Here, lift him into 
 the Coffin. Where are your Cords to let the Coffins down 
 the Mountain 1 \They feize hi^n. 
 
 E77iir. I will not go down the Mountain : Unconfcion- 
 able Rogues ! {ffruggles with them.) I hope your Wives 
 
 will die To-morrow Hold, hold, let me fee my Wife 
 
 firfl ; fhe died fuddenly, and may come to Life again. 
 
 Off Pifh ! Piffi ! This is Trifling, in with him, I fay. 
 
 Emir. I tell you my Wife was an Engliffi Wife, and 
 troubled with Vapours, as all that Country Wives are ; 
 fhe us'd to die and come to Life again ten Times in an 
 Hour, therefore I will fee her. 
 
 {Struggling to reach at her Coffin, 
 
 id Off. Shall he fee her, Brother.? 
 
 \fl Off No, no. 
 
 Emir. Ye Dogs, I will. {Gets hold on^f, and pulls off the 
 Lid.) By Alia, Sun, Moon and Stars, here's no body ! 
 Huzza, here's no body, fhe's alive. \ Jumps and dances about. 
 
 Off. Alive ! bring her out then. 
 
 Emir. Nay, do you bring her out, if you will, for you 
 fhall never bring me in. 
 
 Off, My Lord, I fhall make you bring her out ; you 
 have buried her in your Garden, I fuppofe ; but that fhan't 
 ferve : Produce her living, or I'll inflantly proceed to the 
 Ceremony of Burial with you : Where is fhe ? 
 
 Emir. Sir, I told you before fhe was an Engliffi Wife, 
 and I believe few Hufbands know where to find them. 
 
 Off. 
 
286 A Bickerstaff'^ Burying ; &c. 
 
 Off, This fhan't ferve : Where's Mrs. I/abinda, your 
 Niece ? 
 
 Emir, With her Aunt, for ought I know. 
 
 Enter a Servant, 
 
 Serv, Oh, my Lord, the Ship that was cafl here, yefler- 
 day, is gone off, and with it your Lady, Niece and Maid, 
 with all your Jewels. 
 
 Emir, With all my Soul ; and there's fomething for thy 
 News ; a boon Voyage, and a merry Gale to them, fay I ; 
 it is the moft comfortable Lofs that ever Man had. 
 
 Off. Why, what a Misfortune's this? Here's our Fees 
 loft. l^Afuie, 
 
 Emir, And if ever you catch me marrying again, Fll 
 give you leave to ufe thy Cords. Dogs ! get out of my 
 Houfe, go ; troop, Vermin, no going down the Mountain 
 now — Here, kick the Coffins after them, with their Loaves 
 and Water ; for there fhall never be more Occafion for 
 
 'em in this Houfe, I promife you Come, where are my 
 
 Servants.^ Here, let me have Mufick and Dancing, to 
 cheer my Spirits. 
 
 The Laws of Wedlock all Men think fevere ; 
 But 'tis Damnation fure to marry here. 
 
 THE 
 
THE 
 
 ARTIFICE. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 As it is Acted 
 At the Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane. 
 
PROLOGUE. Written by Mr. Bond. 
 
 Spoken by Mr. M i L L s. 
 
 r)UR Wits of late^ grown wond^rous Weather-wife^ 
 
 ^ Change, like the various Seafons of the Skies, 
 
 They, each dull Winter, fullen and fevere 
 
 A nd cloudy, as its gloomiefi Days appear : 
 
 Yawn der their Defks,figh forth fo7ne Tragic-Scene, 
 
 Then treat the Town with Products of their Spleen. 
 
 Our Author takes a different Way to pleafe ; 
 Heals injur'd Love, and cures its Jealoufies. 
 You teiider Virgins, and negleded Wives, . ^ 
 For You, She all her Artifice contrives:'^' 
 
 You canH deny her Your Prote^ion furely. 
 
 She hides your Slips, and brings you off—fo purely ! 
 
 Bold in her Sex's Caufe, She always rouzes 
 
 ^Gainfi their worfl Foes, falfe Lovers, and dull Spoufes. 
 
 But, O I ye Critics ! Comic-Bards are few. 
 
 And w^ve no Wit beneath the Sun, thafs New : 
 
 Afk not, in fuch a General Dearth, much Wit, 
 
 If fheyour Tafle in Plot, and Humor hit: 
 
 Plot, Humor, Burmefs,yc>r;;^ the Comic Feafl, 
 
 WitV but a higher-relifh'd Sauce, at befi ; 
 
 And where too much, like S^ice, defiroys the Tafle, 
 
 You Sparks in Red, fhe knows, will all befriend her ; 
 Nay, Faith, you're boimd in Honour to defend her. 
 You, in her Plays, her choicefl Favours fhare ; 
 She 7iever fails to raife her Men of War. 
 ^Tis feldo7n known, yotc Brothers of the Blade, 
 Let Women make Advances un-repaid. 
 You Chiefs in War, who Monarchs can fubdue. 
 
 Yet own The Ladies Vi61:ors over You. 
 
 A fingle Helen, once diviiiely Fair, 
 Summoned a Croud of Heroes to the War: 
 And brighter Helens raife your Courage — There. 
 You, while our Author pleads i7i Beatitys Caufe, 
 Join on her Side, and Arin in her Applaufe : 
 Be Heroes in a qua n'j* Caufe to Day, 
 And as you Love the Sex, Defend the Play.' 
 
 EP I- 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 Written by Dr. Sewell, 1723. 
 Spoken by Mrs. Oldfield. 
 
 (TINCE Plotting is the Bufmefs of the Age, 
 ^ Our Bard has paid it off upon the Stage, 
 And Jirongly laboured in thefe Scenes^ to /hew Ye, 
 How Woman can ///Artifice out-do Ye. 
 You bungle /adly, and are always caught 
 ^Ere half your Work is to Perfection brought. 
 Did our Town- Wives their Schemes no better lay, 
 What monflrous Plots wou^d break out ev'ry Day ? 
 Ladies, I hope, Fve a^ed to your Mind, 
 And fervid my Jealous Monfler in his Kind. 
 To play the Priefl, and fleal a Wives Confeffion ; 
 What Man can make amends for fuch Tranfgrejfion f 
 Should all our Englifh Huf bands fJtrive their Wives, 
 Wome7i won d lead mofl comfortable Lives, 
 For of all Slavery, ^tis the worfl Conditio7t, 
 To live beneath a Marriage Inquifition. 
 
 What think you of our Hogan-Mogan Belle ? 
 DidnH fhe trick the Trickfler nicely well ? 
 The Whipfler thought, forfooth, ^twas fjnart and clever, 
 To fwell the young Vrow up, and then to leave her. 
 But on the Yoimker a Dutch Trick fhe palms ; 
 Poifon for Poifon gives, and Qualms for Qualms. 
 What Rake among you, but, ifi his Condition, 
 Wou^d even think a Wife a good Phyfician ? 
 Did this Dutch Law our roving Gentry bind, 
 How charming wou^d it be for Wo7nan-kind I 
 Then ei/ry Nymph who has vOuchfaf^d the Favour, 
 Might tye her Lover tip to good Behaviour : 
 And after fhe has put him to the Tefl, 
 Might take, or leave him, as fhe lik'd it befl. 
 
 You, who are noosed, let me advife ; beware, 
 Give o'er your Jealous Freaks, and trufi the Fair : 
 For, look ye, you 7nay rant, and play the Devil-, 
 There^s nought but Patience cures the Marriage-Evil, 
 The Thing is plain, and Inflances are common ; 
 A/i? M A N w half a Match for any Woman. 
 
 '9 VOL. III. N Dramatis 
 
Dramatis Perfonae* 
 
 Mr. Miller, 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Sir Philip Money lovBy Father to Olivia, 
 a Man whofe Morals are only fubfervient 
 to his Interefl. 
 
 Sir yohn Freeman, Heir to 4000/, per\ 
 annmn, but difmherited. In Love with r Mr. Wtlks, 
 Olivia, ) 
 
 poSd'SSat : } 
 
 Fainwell, an Enfign under the Name 
 of y^ff^^y \ Difguife, Footman to the Mr, W.JVilks. 
 Widow Heedlefs, 
 
 Mr. Watchit, A Country- Gentleman, 
 very jealous of his Wife. 
 
 Tally, One belonging to a Pharoah- 
 Bank ; an humble Servant to Widow 
 Heedlefs, under the Charadler of Lord 
 Pkaroah'Bank, 
 
 Mr. Griffin. 
 
 Mr. Harper. 
 
 Demur, a Do6lor of the Civil law. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Olivia, Daughter of Sir Philip Money'\ rr - 
 love. In love with Sir John Freeman. - .J^^^s. Morton. 
 
 ^X2.ad\.o Ned Freeman. ^ - . 5 . ^^m^.Younger 
 
 Mrs. Watchit, Wife to Mr. Watchit. - Mrs. Oldfield. 
 
 Widow Heedlefs, worth 20,000/. af- 
 fecfled, vain, and an Admirer of Quality, 
 and refolv'd never to marry beneath a 
 Lord. 
 
 Lucy, Servant to Mrs. Watchit. 
 
 Flora, Servant to Louifa. 
 
 Judith, Servant to Mrs. Heedlefs. 
 
 Conflable, Watch, and other Attendants. 
 
 Mrs. Thur- 
 mond. 
 
 THE 
 
THE 
 
 ARTIFICE. 
 
 ACT I. SCENE I. 
 St. James's PARK. 
 
 Enter Fainwell in a Livery, meeting Sir John Freeman 
 in Mourning. 
 
 A ! Freeman in Black f Dear Jack how 
 muft I diflinguifh thee ? 
 
 ^xxjohn. Dear Jack! How came 
 
 you and I fo weU acquainted Fellow ! 
 
 Fain, O ! that's too long a Story at prefent. 
 
 Sir John, What the Devil is this Metamorphofis for, 
 FainwelL 
 
 Fain. Love ! Ahnighty Love ! Copying of the Gods, 
 you know. 
 
 Sir John. What Game are you in purfuit of? 
 
 Fain. The old {landing Difti, a Wife! There's no 
 Hopes of War, no Rifing in View ! and Subaltern^s Pay 
 wiU make a Man rub but flowly thro' the World. I have 
 got Leave of my Colonel to be abfent from my Poft for 
 Two Months, in which Time, I intend to make my For- 
 tune. You know the Widow Heedlefs I 
 
 Sir John. Very well ! Ha ! is not that her Livery ? 
 
 Fain, Yes, Faith, I march in the Number of her Re- 
 tinue. 
 
 Sir John. To what End? 
 
 Fain. That's imcertain. If you know the Widow, you 
 are no Stranger to her Tafte in Servants. 
 
 Sir John, I know fhe keeps none but awkward Country 
 Louts, 
 
 Fain, Ay ! and is a perfe6l Jockey in her Family, and 
 
 takes 
 
 Fain. 
 
292 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 takes as much Pains to polifh her Train, as they do to 
 break their young Colts. Now, you mufl know I pafs 
 with her for as arrant a Rujiick, as ever wielded Cudgel 
 at a Country Wake, or tumbled Girl upon a Hay mow. 
 
 Sir John. But wherein can this advance your Defign ? 
 
 Fain, Why, you mufl know, I make Love to her. 
 
 Sir John, Make Love to her ! what under the Charac- 
 ter of a Footman 1 
 
 Fain. No, no, under the Character of a Gentleman of 
 Fifteen hundred Pounds a year in GlouceJierJJiire^ of which 
 Country I pretend to be ; for having quartered heretofore 
 in that Shire, I counterfeit the Dialect very well. 
 
 Sir John. But what Service can this be to you? 
 
 Fain. Why, I write to her as from Mr. Worthy ; my 
 Man brings the Letters ; and I deliver them as Jeffrey, 
 her Footman; and when I find her in Humour, I intend 
 to give her my Pi6lure, in fo fimple a manner, that fhe 
 lhall take it all for Gofpel. 
 
 Sir John. But what fignifies the Copy ? How will you 
 introduce the Original 
 
 Fain, That has been done already. 1 have made her 
 feveral Vifits. My Man is now gone to her with a Letter. 
 
 Sir John. But fuppofe fhe fhould inquire after this Mr. 
 Worthy f It is an eafy Matter to know all the Gentlemen 
 in GlouceJierJJtire ^diXidv^hdit Eflates they are poffefs'd of too. 
 
 Fain, She can't trap me there, if fhe does : For, be- 
 tween you and I, there is fuch a Perfon as Mr. Worthy, 
 Mafler of the very Eflate I mention, who has given me 
 
 Leave to take his Name. But I have discovered fmce I 
 
 have been in her Houfe, that an Irijh Baron is my Rival. 
 
 Sir John. Then you are undone ; for I am told, fhe de- 
 clares againfl Matrimony without a Title. But who is he 1 
 
 Fain. My Lord Pharoah-Bank, I think they call him, 
 of the County of Tipperary. 
 
 Sir John. I don't remember ever to have heard of any 
 fuch Nobleman. 
 
 Fain. Recommended, they fay, by Sir Philip Money love. 
 
 Sir Johfi. For which he is to have a valuable confider- 
 ation ; for I am fure, he does nothing out of Honour or 
 Honefty. I wifh thee fuccefs with all my Heart. 
 
 Fain, I thank you Freeman ; but prithee who are you 
 
 in 
 
77/^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 293 
 
 in Mourning for ? Is the old Knight at Reft Six Foot deep? 
 ha, Jack ? 
 
 Sir John. He has been dead to me thefe Seven Years ; 
 but is now fo to all the World, FainwelL 
 
 Fain. Sir John! I give thee Joy of Four thoufand 
 Pounds per anmm. [Embracing him. 
 
 Sir Joh7t. I hope you'll give me the Eftate too, Fain- 
 well ; for, I affure you, I have not one Foot of Land by 
 the Death of my Father. 
 
 Enter Sam. 
 
 Fain. He did not difmherit thee, fure. 
 
 Sir John. Neither better nor worfe. 
 
 Sa7n^ I ever thought my old Mafter would dye hard, 
 and take the Left-hand Road. 
 
 Sir John. Ha ! what is Sajn with you ftill 
 
 Sam. You know, Sir, I always ftick as clofe to my 
 Mafters, as their Breeches. 
 
 Sir John. Ay ! whilft there is any Money in them ; 
 but, I remember, you left me for fear of flarving. 
 
 Sam. Starving, Oh, no, no ! — Not flarving, Sir ; tho' 
 I muft confefs, my Waift-band was Three inches too wide 
 for me. 
 
 Fai7i. You fancy Rafcal ! ha, ha ? Well, did you deli- 
 ver my Letter. 
 
 Sam. Yes, I did, Sir ; and into the Widow's own 
 Hands ; and, truly, by what I can find Sir, you have 
 nothing to hope for, if I have any Judgment. 
 
 Fain. Why ! What have you difcover^d ? 
 
 Sam. Why, I obferv'd when fhe read your Epiflley 
 
 fhe fmil'd fcornfully, thus tofs'd your Letter upon her 
 
 Toylet ; turn'd upon her heel ; tipp'd her Maid a Box 
 o' the Ear for grinning, and bid me tell you, it required 
 no Anfwer. 
 
 Sir John. Cold Comfort ! 
 
 Fain. Not a Jot the lefs for giving herfelf that Air. 
 But is it poffible, that pure Party-Rage could make thy 
 Father fo unkind. Sir John f 
 
 Sir John. Add to that fome little Wildneffes. But the 
 main thing that did my Bufmefs, was this ; When I found 
 nothing wou'd open his Purfe-ftrings, I pretended to em- 
 brace his Principles. 
 
 N 3 Sain. 
 
294 
 
 r>^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Sam, I remember that Time, Sir : We lived in Clover 
 then ! Many a delicious Morfel of Flelh have I fervid up 
 and fupp'd luxurioufly out of your Leavings, Sir. 
 
 Sir John, But, as the Devil wou'd have it, one Day, in 
 my Cups, I chanced to ftumble into a Non-juring-Meet- 
 ing,» with half a Dozen honeft Officers at my Back, drove 
 out the Congregation, t/d the Parfon Neck and Heels, 
 locked the Door, and took the Key in my Pocket. 
 
 Fain. Good ! And what became of Old Sedition ? 
 
 Sir John. Some of his Flock returning to Evening Pray- 
 er, broke open the Door, and freed him from Durance ; 
 amongfl which Number was my natural Father. 
 
 Fain. Rather Unnatural ! That was very unlucky. Sir 
 John. 
 
 Sir John. Ay ; for that A6lion not only loft me a pa- 
 ternal Bleffmg, but a paternal Eftate. 
 
 Fain. Which would have afforded thee many Bleffings, 
 Wine and Women, Sir John, the only Bleffmgs in this 
 World ! So your younger Brother Ned has the Eftate, I 
 fuppofe. 
 
 Sir John. Every Acre ! My Fortune is cramm'd into 
 fuch a narrow Circumference, I can cover it with my 
 Thumb. Only a fmgle Shilling. 
 
 Fain. Damn'd Barbarity ! 'S'Death ! were he my Bro- 
 ther, Fd cut his Throat. 
 
 Sam. There's the Infide of a Soldier for you ! [AJide. 
 
 Sir John. So fay Paffion and Neceffity ; but Confcience 
 and Humanity offer to my cooler Thoughts a brown Muf- 
 quet rather. I confefs, I long to exert the elder Brother, 
 and beat him a little ; in order to which, 1 have done all 
 I could to provoke him to give me Occafion ; but he a- 
 voids me as carefully as if he durft not fight, though I 
 know he's no Coward. 
 
 Fain. Well ! Heaven be prais'd, I am not afraid of be- 
 ing difinherited. I wear my fortune with my Red-Coat ; 
 and whilft there is one Mifchief making Prieft in the World, 
 Soldiers will never want Bread. 
 
 Sam. Ay, the Priefts have ever been faft Friends to the 
 Soldiers. Nothing like a Pulpit Drum. — But it ruins the 
 Surgeons Bufinefs quite. 
 
 Sir John. Ay ! how fo 1 
 • Sam. Why, where's the Occafion for their retailing 
 
 Lancet, 
 
The ARTIFICE. 
 
 Lancet, when the other lets the Nation Blood by Whole- 
 fale? 
 
 Fain, My Rafcal has a Kind of fmattering after Wit, 
 ha, ha, No more of your Impertinence. 
 
 Sam, Impertinence ! thefe Gentlemen will allow no body 
 to fay a good Thing but themfelves. [AJlde. 
 
 Sir yohn. Ha ! yonder's my Brother coming this Way. 
 How {lately the Rogue walks, with three Footmen at his 
 Heels. 
 
 Fain, Whilfl thou haft not fo much as one Scoundrel 
 to pick up a Wench for thee. 
 
 Sam, Oh, for that, Sir ! with your Leave, he may al- 
 ways command his humble Servant. 
 
 Fain, He ftruts like an elder Brother. He wants no- 
 thing but your Title, Sir John, 
 
 Sir John, I wifh I could transfer it ; for it is of no Ufe 
 to me. Honour's a Commodity not vendable among the 
 Merchants ; there is no Draw-back upon't. 
 
 Fain. That's a Miftake, Sir John ; I have known a 
 Statefman pawn his Honour as often as Merchants enter 
 the fame Commodity for Exportation ; and like them, 
 draw it back fo cleverly, that thofe who give him Credit 
 upon't, never perceived it 'till the Great Man was out of 
 Poft. 
 
 Sir John, Honour's a ft ale Cheat. 
 Fain, It may pafs at Court, or the Groom-Porter's ; 
 but no Citizen will lend a Shilling upon it. 
 
 Enter Ned Freeman. 
 
 Ned, Brother ! Your Servant. If this young Fellow 
 had not been in a Livery, I fhould have fworn it had been 
 Enfign Fainwcll ! 
 
 Fain, The very Numerical Perfon you mention, is as 
 you fee, at your Service, Mr. Freeman, I believe you are 
 furpriz'd at the Figure I make ; but there are Reafons, 
 which another Time ftiall be yours. In the mean while, 
 I muft intreat, that wherever you fee me, you know me 
 for nothing above my prefent Appearance. 
 
 Ned, Whatever Defign you may have in View, it ftiall 
 never mifcarry through any Fault of mine. — Well ! how 
 go Matters in the North, Captain ? 
 
 Sir John, Your Party perform'd no Wonders there. 
 
 N 4 Ned. 
 
296 A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Ned, Nay, if you are entring upon Party Matters, good 
 by-t'ye ; You know I always decline Politics in your Com- 
 pany. 
 
 Sir John, 'Tis the fign of an ill Caufe. 
 
 Ned. Then Difputes won't mend it. Here which 
 
 Colour would you advife me for a Wedding Suit ? 
 
 Fain, What ; jufl upon the Brink of Matrimony ? Is it 
 with the Dutch Lady you wrote fuch Panegyrics on, when 
 you was in Holland? 
 
 Ned, What, the old Burgo mafler's Daughter of Haer- 
 lem ? No, no ! that Affair's ended long fmce. She was a 
 good-natured fond Fool, and, to fay Truth, I did love 
 her ; but the old Carl her Father, did not like a younger 
 Brother for a Son-in-Law then, and Fm a better Friend to 
 my Country, than to take a Dutch Wife now, I did him 
 one Piece of Service ; I left fome Englifh Blood in his Fa- 
 mily. I met a Gentleman at Paris ^ who told me, fhe was 
 brought to Bed of a fine Boy. 
 
 Sir John. If I miflake not, you made that Lady a Pro- 
 mife of Marriage, Brother. 
 
 Ned. Cou'd I do lefs for a Maidenhead 
 
 Fain. It is the cuftom in Holland^ after fuch a Promife, 
 the Girl never fcruples to go to Bed, and thinks herfelf as 
 much your Wife, as if the Parfon had faid Grace ; and if 
 ever you are found in that Country, their Laws will oblige 
 you to perform Articles. 
 
 Ned. Ay, if they catch me in the Corn, let 'em put me 
 in the Pound. 
 
 Sir John. Whatever you think of fuch Proceedings, I 
 affure you, I fhould have very little Confidence in that 
 Man who forfeited his Faith and Honour to a Woman. 
 
 Ned. Preferve your Opinion, Brother ; the Ladies will 
 like you never the better for't. Every Female has Vani- 
 ty enough to believe her Charms fufficient to fecure what 
 another loft. 
 
 Fain. But who is the Objedl of your prefent Paffion ? 
 Sir John. Pray Heaven,it proves not where I guefs ! \afide. 
 Fain. Who is the Beauty that inflaves you now 
 Ned, Nay, Fm not fo prodigioufly inflav'd as you ima- 
 gine. 
 
 Sir John, What ! and juft a going to be married. 
 Sam, Mr. Freonan fpeaks like an experienced Travel- 
 ler ; 
 
m ARTIFICE. 
 
 297 
 
 ler ; he is entring upon a Journey for Life ; the Whip and 
 Spur are for the fhort Stages of Love. It would kill the 
 Devil to ride full Speed down a Lane that has neither End 
 nor Turning. 
 
 Ned, Ha, ha, ha ! Sam has a right Notion of Matri- 
 mony. 
 
 Sir yohn, A Lady mufl be extremely happy with fuch 
 a Hufband. But may we not know the Lady 1 
 
 Ned. Yes, yes. Brother, Fm not afham'd of the Lady ; 
 fhe has Beauty enough for a Wife, and one Charm, as 
 defirable, as a new Miflrefs. 
 
 Fain, Videlicet, 
 
 Ned. Twenty thoufand Pounds. 
 
 Sir John, Ha ! that one Article flrikes thro' me. \Afide, 
 
 Ned. 'Tis Sir Philip Money lovers Daughter. 
 
 Sir John. As I imagined ! This Blow wounds deeper 
 
 than my being difmherited. Have you that Lady's Con- 
 fent, Brother .^^ 
 
 Ned. I have her Father's ; and he has the Difpofal of 
 her Fortune, though left by her Grandfather. She com- 
 mands not a Penny, if flie marries without his Confent. 
 
 Sir John. A moft pernicious Claufe ! Yet, if Loui/a, 
 
 his Dutch Miftrefs, who I have fent for, comes Time e- 
 nough, I may chance to fpoil your Market. [A/lde. 
 
 Ned. I think I fland very fair ; I have had his Promife 
 thefe ten Days. 
 
 Sir John. Juft the Time that Sir Philip forbid me his 
 Houfe ! fmce when, I have often watch'd him in, and, 
 fearing the Confequence, I fent for his Miftrefs ! and if 
 there is the leaft Grain of Virtue left in that Heap of 
 Muck and Immorality, Sir Philip, I may yet prevent this 
 hateful Match. {^Afcde. 
 
 Fain. I wifh you Joy, Mr. Freeman. 
 
 Sir John, Wifh him Hell ! where he may tafteinpart the 
 Pains he gives me now. — Olivia! — Oh ! my Olivia. \Afide. 
 
 Ned. My Brother has no Relilh for my good Fortune. 
 
 1 perceive you affe6l Gravity in my Company, Sir 
 
 John^ and feem to have no Tafte for any Joy of mine. — Pri- 
 thee, how have I offended ? You may have Reafon to 
 blame our Father, perhaps ; but how is that my Fault.'* I 
 have really as much Love for you, as if you had been born 
 a Year after me, and will treat you as well. 
 
 N 5 Fain, 
 
298 73^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Fain, That is to fay, he (hall live like your Brother. — 
 Ned, He fhall live as he thinks fit, Sir ; I (han't pretend 
 to dire6l him. 
 
 Fain. But you muft put it in his Power ! Come, 
 
 fhall I make a Propofal ? 
 Ned, Out with it. 
 
 Fain, Buy him a Colonel's Poft in the Guards. 
 
 Ned, I don't think to part with any Money that way. — 
 
 Sir John, Not without it were to ferve a certain Per- 
 fon, you know where. Oh ! that vile refllefs Principle of 
 yours ! 
 
 Ned, Shall never difturb you with a Commiffion any 
 where. Look ye. Brother, you fhan't want for what is 
 Neceffary. 
 
 Sir John, Neceffary ! I fuppofe you referve to your own 
 Judgment how far that Word may extend. 
 
 Ned, It lhall extend fo far, Sir, as becomes a Brother 
 who has the Eftate, to him that has none. 
 
 Sam, Humph ! That is as much as to fay, in plain 
 Englijh, you may ftarve or fteal, and be hang'd, for him. 
 
 [Afide. 
 
 Sir John, As far as becomes your elder Brother. 
 
 Ned, I can't fay that, for perhaps you may fancy my 
 Eftate may become you better than it does me. 
 
 Sir John, Your Eftate ! [Going up to him, 
 
 Sam, {Stepping between^ Sir, Sir, With your Leave ! 
 Where-abouts do you think the Soul of my old Mafter 
 may be now 
 
 Ned, That Thought never enter'd my Head, Sirrah. 
 I know where his material Soul, the Eftate is, and how to 
 fpend it too. So, Brother, if you will be chearful. — 
 
 Sir John, Chearful ! Bid the Dire^lors, when there's a 
 Run upon the Bank, be chearful ; the Merchant who hears 
 the Shipwreck of his freighted Veff el ; or bid the Mother, 
 weeping over the Corps of her departed Son, be chearful. 
 
 Bid them be mad rather, to avoid Refle6lion. 
 
 Chearful, quotha ! 
 
 Sam, That's breaking a Man's Legs, and then bidding 
 him cut Capers. \Afide, 
 
 Fain, Philofophy is a noble Study, Sir John ; but few 
 of us poor Rogues can purfue it. 
 
 Sir John, With what Elegance might my Brother there, 
 difplay the Beauty of Patience and Poverty ! Ned, 
 
A R T I F I C E. 299 
 
 Ned, No, Faith, Jack, I am no Orator. 
 
 {Keeps looking upon the Paper, 
 
 Sir John, Oh ! What Serenity of Mind attends Four 
 Thoufand Pounds a Year ? whilft Paffion, Pride, and all 
 the deadly Sins, fill up the Train of a poor Dog like me. 
 
 Sam, Thaf s true to a Tittle, I know it by myfelf. [a/lde. 
 
 Sir John, Poor Olivia / now I underfland thy Letter, 
 wherein thou faid'fl. That we mull part for ever ; but I 
 will fee thee now, tho' certain Death attend it ; though 
 robb'd of Birthright by his younger Brother, let him not 
 hope to take my Miflrefs from me. 
 
 Such an Attempt will far more dangerous prove : 
 
 He robs me of my Life, that robs me of my Love, [Exit. 
 
 Ned, That is the Colour for my Money. 
 
 Fain, Ay, White is the Bridegroom's Colour. 
 
 Ned. Ha ! What is my Brother gone 1 
 
 Fain, So it feems- Poor Sir John, 
 
 Ned, Pox of this Livery, I fhould have been glad we 
 cou'd have din'd together to Day. 
 
 Sam, Now you talk of dining your Uncle calFd at 
 
 your Lodging this Morning, Sir, and bad me tell you, he 
 wonders how you beftow your Time, that you don't come 
 and dine with him as ufual. 
 
 Ned. Who's that ? 
 
 Fain. An Uncle of mine, to whom I had once fome 
 hopes of being Heir. 
 
 Ned. And what has flifled them 
 
 Fain. Why, the Devil put Matrimony in his Head, and 
 fpoiFd my Fortune. 
 
 Ned. Then he has Children, has he ? 
 
 Fain. One, which happening to be Red-hair'd, and the 
 Parfon of the Parifh being Sandy, my Uncle, not content 
 with forbidding him his Houfe, bid adieu to the Country, 
 and brought my Aunt to Town. 
 
 Sam, An excellent Place to preferve Virtue in. 
 
 Ned, How came he to fufpedl the Do6lor 1 
 
 Fain, Why, my Aunt is a Roman Catholic, you muft 
 know, and I fuppofe my Uncle had a mind to make a 
 good Proteftant of her, and brought the Do6lor to convert 
 her ; but finding his Arguments more prevalent for Love, 
 than Religion, thought fit to remove her. 
 
 Ned. Ha, ha, ha ! Where has he lodg'd her ? 
 
 N 6 Fain, 
 
300 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Fai7i, He has taken a Houfe in the Pall-Mall, within 
 a Door of my Colonel's. 
 
 Sam. Who has as good a hand at converting, as the 
 Parfon, if he can find a Way to come at her. [A/ide, 
 
 Ned. In the P all-Mall! If this fhou'd be my Miftrefs 
 now ? {Afcde.) So, the old Fellow is very Jealous of her, 
 you fay ? 
 
 Fain. So Jealous, that he locks her up, it feems, re- 
 folving to father no Children for the future, but his own ; 
 He allows her the Sight of nothing that's Male. 
 
 Ned. It mufl be fhe ; this agrees exactly with her Sto- 
 ry, {A/cde.) Such Reflraint fets all the Wheels of Inven- 
 tion at Work, and a Million to nothing, but fhell find a 
 Way to ufe him as he deferves. And how does fhe take it ? 
 
 Sam. Oh ! not at all. Sir You hear my Mailer fay, 
 
 fhe's lock'd up. 
 
 Ned. Her Confinement, I mean. Sirrah 1 
 
 Sam. Oh ! her Confinement. 
 
 Fain. Not feeing her the lafl Time I din'd there, I in- 
 quir'd after her Health, and was anfwer'd, fhe was indif- 
 pos'd ; yet I obferv'd he cut her a Plate of ev'ry Thing 
 that came to Table, and fent up to her Chamber, which, 
 as the Maid told me afterwards, is his conflant Cuflom of 
 late, when any body dines with him. He is a true Spanijh 
 Hufband. 
 
 Ned. And if fhe proves but a true Englijh Wife, his 
 Children may be nothing a-kin to him, for all his Caution. 
 Is fhe handfome ? 
 
 Fain. So handfome, that I could venture my Soul with 
 her ; and if I had her Confent, my Uncle Watchit, fhould 
 be advanced in Honours. You underftand me. 
 
 Ned. Watchit I Mum ! that's the Name. Fainwell 
 muft not know where I live. {A/ide.) — You would not 
 cuckold your Uncle, would ye 
 
 Fain. Why not ? I think a well-bred Gentleman ought 
 to have as much Regard to the Breed of his Family, as a 
 Fox hunter has to thofe of his Dogs and Horfes. Where 
 do you lodge, Mr. Freeman ? I mufl bring a School-Fel- 
 low of mine to wait on you, one who has a Play upon the 
 Stocks : You muft give him leave to dedicate to you. It 
 is young Dijtich. 
 
 Ned. Ha ! Little Diftich / I fhall be glad to fee him. 
 
 I When 
 
ARTIFICE. 
 
 301 
 
 When I have finifh'd an Affair which I have upon my 
 Hands at prefent, I lhall come fomewhere to this End of 
 the Town ; but I am Incog, for a little while. 
 
 Fain. What, are you upon an Intrigue ? 
 
 Ned. Yes, Faith, and with one of the prettiefl Women 
 in Town ; a Citizen's Wife, whofe Hufband is tindlur'd 
 with thy Uncle's Diflemper : He permits her neither to 
 pay, or receive Vifits ; but in Spight of his Blockade^ I 
 have found means to open a Communication between my- 
 felf and his Female, and hope I fhall be able to fpring a 
 Mine, and blow up the Fort of her Chaflity, maugre all 
 his Iron Guards. 
 
 Fain. You talk like an Engineer, Mr. Free77ian ; but if 
 fhe is fo clofely confined how got you acquainted with her ? 
 
 Ned. Very accidentally. You mufl know, her Houfe, 
 and that which I lodge in, were formerly one, fo that there 
 are Doors remaining, tho' faften'd up. — Sitting one Even- 
 ing in my Chamber reading, I heard the Voice of Women, 
 and found by their Difcourfe 'twas a Lady complaining 
 to her Maid of her Hufband's ill Ufage. If I were in 
 your Place, fays the Maid, I'd be reveng'd of the old 
 Brute : Ay, quoth the Lady, but fhew me the Means. — 
 Upon which, having bor'd a Hole in the Door, I put my 
 Mouth to it, and cry'd, the Means is ready, Madam, if 
 you'll confent to it. She was a little furpriz'd at firfl, but 
 we foon came to a right Underflanding. 
 
 Fain. Ha, ha 1 fo Ihe open'd the door ! 
 
 Ned. Not that door : But the Chamber- Maid, who 
 knew her Bufmefs perfe6lly well, after inquiring who 
 lodg'd at next Houfe, in the Morning, knock'd gently at 
 this private Door, and calling me by my Name, gave me 
 to underftand that there was a Door, between her Room, 
 and a Garret in our Houfe, which if I cou'd find the Way 
 to open, I might have an Opportunity of playing a Game 
 at Picquet with her Lady fometimes, in her Mafler's Ab- 
 fence : I took the Hint, agreed with my Landlord for that 
 Garret, and fell to work immediately. The Paffage was 
 foon open'd, and we came to an Interview, lik'd one ano- 
 ther's Propofals, call'd for the Cards, and fat down to 
 play, where I had the Game all to nothing, having Pointy 
 Quint, and Quatorze, the firft. Deal, had not the old Fel- 
 low come in, and forc'd us throw up our Cards. 
 
 Fain. 
 
302 
 
 7%^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Fain, For which you both curs'd him, I fuppofe ; but 
 you have found a Time, 'tis to be hop'd, to finifh your 
 Game. 
 
 Ned, I fhall do, this Day, I beheve. Wifh me Succefs, 
 FainwelL 
 
 Fain, I do with all my Heart : I know you us'd to be 
 generous, you'll not expofe her. When you have cor- 
 rupted her, you may help your Friends, before fhe falls 
 into the Hands of the Public. 
 
 Ned, With all my Heart ! Now for the finifhing Stroke : 
 I'll Home, and watch the old Fellow out, and then L Af- 
 fair il fera fait, as the French fay — Which Way are you 
 going, Fainwell ? 
 
 Fain, Every Way ! I have fome Twenty How-d'ye's to 
 deliver ; the conftant Bufmefs of Men of my Cloth, you 
 know. 
 
 Ned, Ha ! yonder comes my Father-in-Law that is to 
 be. I muft avoid him. 
 
 Fain, And the Widow's Lord with him. {Afde,) Pray 
 who is the Gentleman with him, Mr. Free7nan ? 
 
 Ned, His Name is Bite, to the befl of my Memory. He 
 belongs to a Pharo ah- Table, I us'd to fee him tally fome- 
 times, that's all I know of him. Adieu. [Exit, 
 
 Fain, I'm glad you know fo much of him. Bite, quotha ! 
 
 Egad, I'll take care he fhan't bite me of the Widow. 
 
 Is this her Man of Quality? — Sam, go you Home, and 
 don't you be out of the Way, if I fhould want you. Do 
 you hear ? 
 
 Sam, Yes, yes. Sir. [Exit Sam. 
 
 Fain, Egad, this Woman fatigues me more than a long 
 March. But the Hopes of her Gold, like the Hopes of 
 Plunder, gives me frefh Courage for continuing the Siege. 
 
 For, to befiege, and florm the Soldier's Trade is. 
 
 In War, to conquer Towns ; In Peace, the Ladies. 
 
 ACT 
 
The ARTIFICE. 
 
 303 
 
 ACT II. 
 SCENE Sir Philip Moneylove's Houfe, 
 Enter Olivia and Louifa weeping, 
 
 OIL '\T OUR Story, I confefs, Madam, is moving ; 
 
 Jl but I am more furpriz'd at Freeman^ s Infenfi- 
 bility than at his Perjury. It is no Wonder to find a Man 
 falfe ; but that he ftiould be blind to fo much Beauty, is an 
 Argument of Stupidity. 
 
 Lou, Not when he changes for fuperior Merit ; 
 But if you love not the Diffembler, 
 
 Oh, give him back to my defiring Arms ! 
 
 For we are fit Companions for each other. 
 OH, All I can, befure FU do to ferve thee. 
 
 Dear hail thou bought, the faithlefs, worthlefs Man ! 
 Lou, Too late, I blame my credulous Nature. 
 
 Our Sex, hke Rofes blooming on the Tree, 
 
 Admir'd by eVry gazing Paffenger : 
 
 The Flower once cropt, a while 'tis worn in Triumph ; 
 
 Then thrown afide to wither in Difgrace. 
 
 OH, Be pleas'd to give this Letter to Sir John, and pur- 
 fue whatever he diredls you. Depend upon any Thing in 
 my Power to ferve you. Madam ; my Soul abhors this 
 Treachery, and had he been as dear to me, as his poor in- 
 jured Brothi^ is I would renounce him now, tho' Life went 
 with him. 
 
 Enter Sir Philip. 
 
 OH, My Father ! that's unlucky. \AfLde. 
 
 Sir Phil, Pray, Daughter, what is this pretty Refolu* 
 tion of yours ? Who wou'd you renounce ? 
 
 OH, One whom you wou'd have me, Sir, if you but 
 wifh me Happinefs ; 'tis that Deceiver Freeman, 
 
 Sir Phil, How ! Why, what has Sir John recover'dthe 
 Eftate then ? If fo. Egad I fhall renounce him too, Girl. — 
 Ho'now, who have we here ? Some Letter- Carrier, ha ! 
 Pray, who let you in, Miilrefs 
 
 OH, Juflice. 
 
 Look on this Lady, Sir, with Eyes more human, 
 On her whom Freeman bafely has betray'd, 
 Juft in her rifmg Bloom and Pride of Youth. 
 
 I Sir 
 
304 T/^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Sir PhiL Why, you'd make an excellent A<5lrefs ; you 
 Rant and Strut it well ; but who is this Lady you are fo 
 tender of, pray ? 
 
 Oli. She's Freeman^s Wife, by all the Ties of Love. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ties of Love Hark ye ! Has the Parfon 
 
 ty'd em ? Love makes none but running Knots, and a 
 Man may flip thofe at Pleafure ; but the Parfon's Noofe 
 is as fure as the Hangman's ; nothing but the Grave unties 
 
 it. Now if you have him in that String, Madam, you 
 
 are on the right Side of the Hedge, and 1 mufl look out 
 for another Son-in-law — Otherwife, you mufl look fharp 
 for another Hufband — that's all. 
 
 Lo74. By my Country's Cuflom 'tis I claim him. 
 I can have no other Hufband ; 
 For all our Vows are regifter'd in Heaven. 
 
 Sir PhiL Humph ! that's a long Way off, and very few 
 Lawyers go that Circuit. I doubt you'll lofe your Caufe 
 for want of Evidence too. 
 
 Oli. No, Sir, fhe has a living Witnefs of his Guilt. A 
 Boy, the very Pi6lure of the Villain. 
 
 Lou. A Pledge of Love and everlafling Faith. 
 
 Oli. Can you defend his Treachery, Sir } 
 
 Sir Phil. Can you defend her Folly 1 Treachery quotha ! 
 He's a Traytor who weakens his King, not he who adds to 
 
 the Number of his Subje^is. You fay, you claim him 
 
 by your Country's Cuftom, pray what Country is that, 
 Madam ? 
 
 Lou. Holland, Sir. 
 
 Sir Phil. Odfo ! Holland ; why their High Mightineffes 
 ought to fettle a Penfion upon you. I wifh you much 
 Joy of your Son, Madam. 1 warrant him a Hero, or a 
 Pohtician. ^Ytry Englijhman^s Son, merrily begot, proves 
 a great Man. Fools and Cowards are the Product of our 
 wedding Sheets. I wifli he had laid fuch a P^oundation in 
 my Family, before the Lawfulnefs of the Pleafure fpoils 
 the Breed. 
 
 Oli. Are thefe fit Speeches for a Daughter's Ear } 
 And this the Language of a virtuous Parent ! 
 
 Sir Phil. The Virtue of a Parent confifls in Interefl and 
 Cunning now-a-Days, as your Sex's Modefly does in Pride 
 and Affe6lation. 
 
 Oli. Monflrous Precepts ! 
 
 Sir 
 
The ARTIFICE. 305 
 
 "^xx Phil. I fuppole, Madam, you had nothing but Mr. 
 Freeman^ 's> bare Word ? 
 
 Lou. Words of the mod facred Form ! Vov/s of eternal 
 Faith ! Eternal Conftancy ! 
 
 Sir Phil. But how the Devil could you expe6l Perfor- 
 mance ? Can any Man promife for Futurity ? You fhould 
 have got him into Bonds. Hereafter let me advife you : 
 Do nothing till you have 'em under Black and White. — 
 Then, if they fly the Parfon, catch 'em with the Prodlor. 
 
 Lou. Unmannerly Advice ; but 1 was told before I came, 
 
 what fmall Regard you paid to Juftice It is in you, 
 
 Madam, that all my Hopes are center'd. 
 
 Oli. Depend on me, in all I can. 
 
 Sir Phil. No whifpering in my Houfe ; no caballing ; 
 
 no underhand Dealing. Look ye, Madam, the Man's 
 
 difpos'd of ; but if you will let me know whereabouts your 
 Fortune may be, I'll do my Endeavour to get you a Huf- 
 band— I will, Faith. 
 
 L^ou. Since injur'd Virtue is become your Sport, 
 And you, inftead of pitying, mock my Sorrow, 
 
 /'// try all A rts that may his Soul Jubdue ; j 
 
 But if L fail his Paffion to 7'e7i€iif^ r 
 
 The T7'aytor dies, to be revenged on you. [Exit, j 
 
 Oli. Why will you raife her Indignation thus ? 
 Do you not dread the Confequence 1 
 Bafe as he is, will you not guard his Life ? 
 O ! call her back, and calm her Paffion ; 
 If you prevent not, you encourage Murder. 
 
 Sir Phil. No, no, the Threats of your Sex, like Cour- 
 tiers Promifes, vanifh into nothing. Paffion has left the 
 weeping Corner, and now it bluflers like the North Wind, 
 that's all. I wonder who let this Woman in. 1 fhall ex- 
 amine that Point with my Servants. [Afide. 
 
 Oli. Are you a Man yet void of all Humanity? 
 
 Sir Phil. If your Mother were alive, flie'd tell you : 
 How dare you call me Father, and queflion my Manhood 
 What would you make your Mother, huffey 1 ha ! 
 
 Oli. Oh do not name my Mother ! Were fhe alive, 
 you would not treat me thus. Remember your Promife to 
 Sir John 
 
 Sir Phil. But when I made that Promife, he was Heir 
 Apparent to four thoufand Pounds a Year, and nobody 
 ^» VOL. III. dreamt 
 
3o6 
 
 A R T I F I C E. 
 
 dreamt of his being difinherited. — Zounds, do you think 
 ril throw away my Money upon your Inclination, Mif- 
 trefs ? No, mark me. Were thy Mother here all in her 
 Bloom of Beauty ; here, here, upon her Knees before me, 
 I would not break my Word to Freemaii ; that is to fay, 
 whilfl he is Mafher of his Father's Eflate ; therefore urge 
 me no more, but prepare to be his Wife to morrow. D'ye 
 hear ? {Exit. 
 
 OH. To morrow ! fhort Warning ! yet fliort as 'tis, I 
 fhall have Time for Refolution ; and you fhall find it, Fa- 
 ther, as unalterable as your own. 
 
 If where Pve fix'd 7ny Love, / imijt not wed, 
 
 ril chiife a Coffin for my bridal Bed. {^Exit. 
 
 SCENE Watchit'i- Houfe. 
 
 Mrs. Watchit fola. 
 
 Since my Hufband refolves to immure me, I'm glad my 
 Jayl is fo luckily fituated. Here I may hope for fome 
 Confolation : The agreeable Addrefs of Freeman charms 
 me ; my Hufband's Jealoufy provokes me, and the Con- 
 veniency of that dear Door is fo irrefifhable, that if I fhould 
 not be able to w^itlifland Temptation, my Hufband may 
 take it for his Pains : Befides, as the Poet fays. 
 One had as good co7nmit the Fault. 
 As always to be guilty thoitght. 
 There's fome Pleafure in refledling upon pall Delights : 
 and Confinement will fit more eafy, when one knows 
 one deferves it ; but to be fhut up for nothing, is not to be 
 borne. 
 
 Enter Lucy. 
 Well, Lucy have you given the Signal 1 
 
 Lucy There was no need of the Signal, Madam : I 
 found Mr. Freeman in my Chamber, waiting the happy 
 Minute. Oh ! where thefe Men but half fo eager after 
 Poffeffion 1— But then, the Park, the Play, the Bottle, nay 
 an Afternoon's Nap, fliall have important Bufmefs in it. 
 
 But here he is, Madam. 
 
 Enter Ned Freeman, runni7ig i7ito her Ar77is. 
 
 Ned. My Charmer ! I have flood Centinel at my Win- 
 dow thefe two Hours, to watch your old Jaylor out ; and 
 the Moment I faw him hobble over the Channel, I flew to 
 the kind Door, impatient to be let into Paradife. Mrs. 
 
m A R T I F I C E. 
 
 307 
 
 Mrs. Wat. The impatient Lcvsr, at ihe Beginning of an 
 Amour, commonly proves the mofl indolent after Poffef- 
 fion, they fay. 
 
 Ned. That. Madam, in a great mtafure, depends upon 
 the Wit and Temper of the Lady ; after Enjoyment, Love 
 grows nice ; Beauty kindles up the Flame : Yet there is 
 more required to keep that Flame alive : But you may boafl 
 your Sex's whole Perfe(^iion : He who puts on your Chains, 
 mull be your Slave for ever. Where Souls fympathize, 
 the Bodies fear no Separation. When I but kifs thee {e7n- 
 bracing her) my Heart flutters at my Lips, as if 'twould 
 tell you every Thought within. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Blefs me, what do you mean ? I doubt you 
 have naughty Thoughts ! — Give me the Cards — Come, I 
 mufl have my Revenge. 
 
 Ned, That you fhall, with all my Soul, inftantly. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Be quiet then, and take the Cards. 
 
 Ned. The Cards ! No, no, my Angel, I fhall beat you 
 at Cards ; there is a fweeter Game for your Revenge. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Pifh I what Game 1 — Lud I— you fmother 
 one. Suppofe any of the Servants fhould be upon the 
 Stairs ? Lucy ! 
 
 Lucy. {Afide) Humph ! I underfland her. Fil take 
 Care of that. Madam. S^Exit. 
 
 Ned. You fee, my Life, Mrs. Lucy knows her Bufinefs : 
 Why fhould we neglect ou7's ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Bufmefs ! what Bufmefs Oh Lud ! what 
 would you have me do } [Struggling a little. 
 
 Ned. Make me the happieft of Mankind. A thoufand 
 Loves are dancing in your Eyes. Your balmy Lips and 
 heaving Breafts invite me to the Banquet. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Don't talk to me thus, you infmuating De- 
 vil, you ! — Let me go I— Oh gad ! I a'nt able to ftruggle 
 any longer? 
 
 Ned. Why will you flruggle at all ! Why deflroy that 
 Pleafure which your Confent fo infinitely v/ould raife ? 
 Come, lead me to my Blifs, where, folded in each other's 
 clofe Embraces, well bid Defiance to a Hufband's Frown, 
 and kifs, and laugh at all his jealous Folly. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. O Gad !— O, O Lud !— I have not Breath 
 
 to anfwer O, O ! I mufl not — dare not — will not 
 
 — O Lud! — I have fuch a Swimminc^ in my Head! — • 
 
 Let 
 
3o8 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Let me go ! -Tho' if you do, I am fure I lhall fall down. 
 
 \^Sinks into his Ar?ns. 
 
 Ned, O my yielding Dear ! — Where the Duce fhall I 
 find the Bed-Chamber? 
 
 Mrs. Waf. ^Tis the next Room Ha ! What have I 
 
 faid 1 Did you name the Bed-Chamber ? Oh Gad ! I won^t 
 go into the Bed-Chamber. 
 
 Ned. No, no, no, my Dear, I would not offer to in- 
 jure your Modefty with fuch a Thought for the World. 
 Go into the Bed-Chamber ! No, no, I'll carry thee thi- 
 ther. [^Takes her in his Anns, 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Nay, how can you be fo rude.^ Lord, whi- 
 ther are you a going ? I fwear I have a good Mind to cry 
 out. [Lucy Jhrieks without. 
 
 Ned. Ha ! What Shriek is that ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. 'Tis Lucys Voice ! Set me down ! my Huf- 
 band is mofl certainly return^. What fhall I do.'^ O In- 
 vention ! O Invention ! \Paufes. 
 
 Ned. Pox take him for an unmannerly Churl, to make 
 a Gentleman rife from Table before he has tafted the firfl 
 Dilh ; and with fuch an Appetite too ! 
 
 Mrs. Wat, Oh gad ! don't loiter here ; but fly, fly. Sir ! 
 
 i\'ed. But whither, Madam, whither ? Which way can I 
 get up Stairs, without meeting him full in the Teeth 
 Except you have any back-way. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I'll venture ; (for it is impoffible for him to 
 get out.) Here, here, Sir, ftep behind this Screen, and 
 ftir not for your Life, 'til 1 give you Notice. 
 
 [Ned goes behind the Screen. 
 Enter Watchit and Lucy. 
 
 Wat. What the Devil did you fhriek out for.^* To give 
 Warning, Mrs. Screech-Owl? 
 
 Lucy. Warning! of what, 1 wonder.^ Who could you 
 expedl to catch, that you came creeping up in this Manner, 
 to fright a-body out of one's Wits You fuffer nothing to 
 come near my Lady but Flies, that I know of 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {Throwiiig her/elf upo?i the Floor) Oh, 
 Mifery ! Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Wat. Nothing but Flies! why Flies breed Maggots, 
 Huffey. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Oh undone ! Undone for ever ! 
 Lucy. Oh my poor Lady on the Floor ! Help, Sir, 
 
 help. 
 
The A R T I F I C E. 
 
 help. — —Where have you put the Gentieman, Madam ? 
 
 {AJide to Mrs. Wat. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Behind the Screen, {Afcde.) Oh, oh ! 
 
 IVat. Pud, What is the Matter, Pud? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I fear I have broke my Leg, Mumps. 
 
 Wat. Heaven forbid ! Though if flie has, there will 
 
 be one Advantage in't ; fhe v^^on^t teize me to go abroad 
 thefe two Months. {Afide.) — Let me fee ; where abouts 
 haft thou hurt thy pretty Leg 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Juft in my Inftep, Mumps I — Oh, oh ! 
 
 Wat. Lucy I V\^here are you, HuiTey ! help me to fet 
 your Miftrefs in a Chair, How cameft thou to fall, 
 Pudfey. {They tift her into a Chair. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Why, hearing her fhriek, I ranhaftily to fee 
 what was the Matter ; and my Heel happening to catch 
 in my Hoop, down I came, with my Foot double under 
 
 me. Oh dear Mumps / you hurt me terribly ! Pray 
 
 lead me to my Bed, that I may lie down 'till a Surgeon 
 can be fent for. 
 
 Ned. {Peeping.) Well propos'd. 
 
 Wat. No, no, let me rub it a litile ; I don't find it is 
 broke : One muft not make Surgeon's Work of every little 
 Accident. It is not broke, Pud/ey, that's certain. 
 
 Lucy. I wifn your Neck had been broke, when you 
 came Home. {A/lde, 
 
 Wat. It may be fprain'd, perhaps. I have fome cam- 
 phorated Spirits of VVine in the Corner-Cupboard, behind 
 that Screen. I'll fetch it, and bathe it v^ith fome of that. 
 It is exceeding good for a Sprain. 
 
 Ned. {Peeping-) So ! I find a Lavv-fuit commenced already. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. If he comes near the Screen, I'm undone. [Afide 
 
 Lttcy, What, in the Name of Jupiter, will become of 
 the Gentleman ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Oh dear, dear. Mumps I do not leave me. 
 Give Lucy the Key ; let her fetch it. {Catches hold of him. 
 
 Lucy. Ay, ay. Sir, give me the Key ; and do you keep 
 rubbing, that the Blood may circulate. 
 
 Ned. {Peeping) Well faid, Mrs. Abigail. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Ay, do, dear Mumpfy I Methinks there's a 
 kind of Eafe whilft you are rubbing it. Oh, oh ! 
 
 Wat. {Ri/mg.) No, no, fhe can't find it ; fhe'll fling 
 down fome of the Bottles ; that's all the Good ftie'll do. 
 
 Mrs 
 
3IO A RT I F ICE. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Oh, I fliall fwoon, if you ftir, Mumps I 
 
 I fhall, I fhall ! \C at dies hold of him. 
 
 Wat, Well, well ! I won't go ! — You Women are fo 
 impatient ! Here, Lucy, take the Key. It is in a chryflal 
 Bottle. Don't you do Mifchief now, amongfl the refl of 
 the Spirits. 
 
 Ned, {Peeping.) I wifh I were a Spirit, to go out un- 
 feen. — Mrs. Watchit beckons Ned to go off, whilji 
 
 old Watchit is rubbin^^ her Foot. 
 
 Lucy. She beckons you to go out, Sir. 
 
 Ned. I underftand her. But if the old Fellow fhould 
 look up 1 
 
 Lucy. No, no, never fear ; Til help to fcreen you from 
 his Sight. {Runs, and flaps herf elf down by ^ 2Xq\\\\.) Here, 
 here, Sir, here's the Bottle. Fm fure 'tis the right. 
 
 V/at. What is the Devil in the Wench ! have you a 
 Mind to lame me, Huffey ? Why don't you pull out the 
 Cork ? [Ned advances.^ but as Watchit looks up^ retires. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Hang the Cork — Rub, rub, rub, dear Muinps. 
 
 Lucy. {Beckons Ned.) Now, now, now. 
 
 Wat. What's now, nov/ ! Ha ! 
 
 Lucy. Why, now the Cork's out ! Lord, you don't mind 
 my Miftrefs's Foot 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {Afide.) Ah ! he will catch him, that's cer- 
 tain. 1 have fuch a Terror upon me, that Fm difarm'd 
 
 of all Excufes. 
 
 Wat. Where lies thy Pain, Pud? , 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Juft where you are. 
 
 Lucy. That I dare fwear. {Aflde.) — Blefs me, Sir, how 
 my Lady's Ancle fwells ? 
 
 Wat. Your Nofe fwells, don't it ? What do you fright 
 your Miflrefs for, Huffey ? I fee no Swelling. 
 
 Lucy. I don't know how he fhould. [Aflde. 
 
 Ned. {Aflde.) She might have laid a Foundation for a 
 Swelling, if you had been civil enough to have flay'd away 
 half an Hour longer. 
 
 [Advancing to the Middle of the Stage. 
 
 Wat. Come, try to ftand upon't, Pudfey. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {Shrieking.) Ah ! my dear, dear Life and 
 Soul ! I cannot bear it ! [^j- Watchit israiflng her up^flie 
 throws her Arms about his Neck^ to preverithis feeing Ned. 
 
 Wat. {Struggling.) W^hat, will you fmother me ? How 
 now ! Who have we here t Ned. 
 
The ARTIFICE. 311 
 
 Ned. So ! he has me ! — I admire you leave your Doors 
 open, Sir, and not a Servant in the Way to take a Mef- 
 fage. 
 
 V/at. Had you any to fend up, Sir? I don't Hke a Man 
 that comes up to my Nofe ; then tells me, / admire yott 
 leave your Doors open. — Zounds, was there not a Knocker 
 to the Door ? 
 
 Ned. I did knock, Sir ; but my Bufmefs would not give 
 me Leave to wait. 
 
 Wat. Bufmefs ! What, to rob my Houfe ? or lie with 
 my Wife, I warrant, had I been out of the Way. {Afuie.) 
 I pray you, fweet Sir, what may your hafty Bufmefs be ? 
 
 A^ed. What, in the Name of Jitpiter^ fhall I pretend ? 
 
 {Afide. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {A/ide to Lucy.) Oh Lud ! \Nhd,t Tale can 
 he invent I tremble every Joint of me. 
 
 L7icy. {Afide to Mrs. Wat.) If he proves of the Iri/h 
 Breed, all may go well yet. 
 
 Wat. I am afraid, Sir, you have forgot your Bufmefs — 
 
 A clean-limb'd young Rafcal, this ; and has a damn'd 
 
 Cuckold-making Air : Zounds, how my Wife eyes him ! 
 
 lAftde. 
 
 Ned. I have it ; Impudence protedl me. {A fide.) The 
 Affair I come upon, Sir, requires your private Ear. 
 
 Wat. Sir, I keep my private Ears^ for my publick 
 Friends. I have furvey'd you round, and round ; and, to 
 be plain, I don't like your Phiz, and, may be, I fnall like 
 your Bufmefs worfe. Therefore, will hear, whether it be 
 worth going out of the Room for, or not. 
 
 N'ed. I can eafily pardon your Diflike to my Face ; but 
 I mufl infift upon fpeaking with you alone. 
 
 Wat. I infift upon your fpeaking here. Sir — The Dog- 
 will cut my Throat, perhaps. [^A/ide. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I'm in Pain for the Event. {^Afcde to Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. The Gentleman promifes well ; have Courage, 
 Madam. {^A.fide to Mrs. V/at. 
 
 Ned. But your Reputation is concern'd. Sir. 
 
 Wat. My Reputation does not depend upon your Tongue, 
 Sir ; and I'll not fLir a Foot. 
 
 Ned. But have you no Regard to your Lady, Sir? for I 
 perceive this is your Wife. 
 
 Wat. And what of that, Sir ? What have you to fay 
 againfl my Wife ? Out Vvlth it. Ned 
 
312 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 Ned. I have nothing to fay, Sir, again fl your Wife. 
 
 Wat. 'S'death, Sir ! What is your Bufmefs ? What 
 have you to fay? Speak, Sir ; Or, or 
 
 Ned. Nay ! if I mufl fpeakhere ! Then know. Sir, 1 am 
 employed by Sir Andrew Gudgeon. 
 
 Wat. Gudgeon ! I doubt, Friend, you have Miftaken 
 your Fifh ; for I know no man of that Name. 
 
 Ned. Hark ye, Sir, a Word. {Speaks in his Ear) You 
 know his Wife, I fuppofe, if you don't know him. 
 
 Wat. Wife ! what Wife Ad's Heart ! fpeak out, and 
 
 keep farther off This Dog is a Pick-pocket, for aught 
 
 I know. [A/ide. 
 
 Ned. Why then, I mufl tell you. Sir, that Sir Andrew 
 will have Satisfa(51ion, before he and you have done. 
 
 Wat. Satisfa61ion I for what, Sir 1 
 
 Ned. For lying wnth his Wife, Sir, fmce you will have 
 it out. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Adultery ! Very fine, truly I 
 
 Lucy. Blefs me ! who could have thought that my Lady 
 had not been fufficient for you, Sir.^ 
 
 IVat. Zounds ! what do you mean, Sir? Do you think 
 to make a Gudgeon of rne ? 
 
 Ned. Nor you muft not think to make a Cuckold of Sir 
 Andrew, without making him Satisfaction, Sir. I don't 
 value your. high Words, nor your big Looks. I am not to 
 be frightened out of my Bufmefs, Sir. I am a Pro6lor in 
 the Bifliop's Court, and employed by Sir Andrew, to 
 exhibit a Libel againft you for Incontinency. 
 
 Wat. Oh Lord! Oh Lord! I incontinent ! Pll be 
 judg'dby my own Wife. — Pud ! — come hither. Pud — fpeak 
 
 the Truth, and no more but the Truth Didfl thou ever 
 
 find me a Man given that Way ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I wonder you have the Affurance to look me 
 in the Face ! I find your Sufpicions of my Virtue, pro- 
 ceeded from the Weaknefs of your own Ungrateful 
 
 Man ! Have I kifs'd and hugg'd you in my Arms for this? 
 
 [Burjis feemingly into Tears. 
 
 Lucy. Ah ! Did ever I think this of you, Sir? You, who 
 have fuch a tender, fond, loving, lovely Wife of your 
 own ! I can't help weeping to fee my poor Lady fo ill 
 treated. 
 
 Wat, Was ever innocent man thus baited ? 
 
 Mrs. 
 
The ARTIFICE. 313 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Ah, Mumps I I never thought you were fuch 
 
 a Hypocrite How often have you told me, what a 
 
 crying fm Adultery is ! And 
 
 Wat. This mufl be a Trick to abufe me I Get out 
 
 of my Houfe, Sir. Zounds, get out of my Houfe ! 
 
 Ned. Get out of your Houfe ! Get ready your Bail, Sir. 
 The Allegations againfl you are fo plain, and pofitive, youll 
 fcarce have an evafive Anfwer, or to crofs-examine Wit- 
 neffes upon new Interrogatories, Sir, Mind that. 
 
 Wat. You and your Interrogatories had bed March off. 
 Sir, without any more to do, or 
 
 Mrs. Wat. If I might advife you, make up this Matter, 
 and don't expofe yourfelf. 
 
 Wat. Why P?/^.Mo vou think I m guilty, Pud? Oh 
 Lud ! oh Lud ! oh Lud \ 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Why, can you have the Affurance to deny it, 
 after what the Gentleman has faid. 
 
 Ned. His denying it. Madam, will fignify nothing ; we 
 have unqueRionable Proofs ; Caufes of this Nature never 
 
 come into our Court, without Demonflration He mufl 
 
 undergo the Sentence ufual in thefe Cafes — Which is, to 
 fland in a white Sheet, and humbly confefs his Faults be- 
 fore the Congregation. Befides which {^turning to hiin) 
 you will be compelled to pay Cofls and Damages. — And if 
 you are found guilty of Contumacy, as your prefent Beha- 
 viour feems to promife, we fhall get you excommunicated. 
 
 Mrs Wat. Excellent Fellow ! lA/lde. 
 
 Ned. Upon which comes out the Writ Excovunimicato 
 Capiendi : That, whips you up in an inftant ; carries you 
 to the next Jail, and delivers you into Salvo Citjiodio 
 without Bail, or Mainprize. 
 
 Wat. What hoa ! within there? Where are all my Raf- 
 cals ? Huffey, golook 'em, {piiJJies Lucy) and bid 'em call 
 a Conflable. I'll Bail and Mainprize 3/ou, I warrant you. 
 Sirrah : Why don't you go? \_To Lucy. 
 
 Lucy. I'll not ftir a flep : You wicked Man, you ! — 
 
 Ned. A Conflable !— that may not be fo well. {A fide.) 
 I'm not afraid of a Conflable, Sir. Send for him, and 
 welcome ; but the lead Noife you make in this Affair, the 
 better, Sir Nicholas I 
 
 ?vlrs. Wat. Sir Nicholas I here mufl be feme Miflakein 
 this ; my Hulband's Name is not Nicholas^ Sir ! 
 
 Ned. 
 
314 772^ A RT I F I CE. 
 
 Ned, What fay you, Madam? Is not this Sir Nicholas 
 Widgeon ? 
 
 Wat. No, nor Woodcock neither, as you fhall find. Sir ! 
 
 Ned, Blefs me ! What have I been faying all this while? 
 I afk your Pardon, Sir, with all my Heart. How the 
 Vengeance could I make fuch a Blunder ? I was dire6led 
 next Door to the Sun, 
 
 Lticy. If I miftake not. Sir Nicholas lives at the next 
 Houfe but one. I am glad to find it a Miftake, Sir, and 
 that you are not guilty of wronging fo good a Woman, as 
 my Lady is. 
 
 Wat, It is a very pretty Miftake tho', to come into a 
 Man's Houfe, and abufe, and threaten him with white 
 Sheets, Penance, and the Devil ; and then, / afk your 
 Pardon, Sir, A Pox on you, and your Pardon too. Sir. 
 
 Ned. Nay, you have Reafon to be angry, I own, Sir — 
 and I wifh I knew how to make you fome Satisfaction. — 
 Madam, can you forgive me ? Upon Honour, Pm in fuch 
 Confufion ! 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I beheve him. {A/ide.) The Pleafure of 
 finding my Hufband innocent, inclines me the more eafily 
 to pardon your Miftake, Sir. 
 
 Ned, I proteft, Sir, I am very much out of Countenance ! 
 
 Wat, I wifh you were out of my Houfe, Sir 
 
 Ned, If you fhould ever have any Bufmefs in Dolors 
 Commons^ Sir, I affure you, no Body fhall be 
 
 Wat, I affure you, Sir, that nothing can oblige me 
 more, than to fee your Backfide ; and fo, fweet Mr. 
 ProHor, with your Exco7n7nu?iicato Capiendi^ I am your 
 very humble Servant. 
 
 Ned. Sir, I am yours entirely. {Exit, 
 
 Mrs. W^at, Charming Fellow ! {Afide. 
 
 Wat, Pox take him, he has given me the Palpitation of 
 
 the Heart, which I fhan't get rid of thefe two Hours 
 
 Why, what a Multitude of Troubles will this poor Sir 
 Nicholas be in now ? Y{^\s> fweet Meat will have four Sauce. 
 Odd, there's a pretty Penny to be made of thefe Cuckold- 
 making Dogs, if one could but catch 'em napping. \Afide, 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {AJlde.) Well, this is a Jewel of a Man, Lucy, 
 
 Lucy, Ay, Madam, this Man has a Genius, and deferves 
 a Woman. {A fide to her. 
 
 Wat. 
 
The ARTIFICE. 315 
 
 Wat. I can't get this Fellow's Miflake out of my Head ; 
 it is a curfed odd one, methinks. \_Ajlde, 
 
 Lucy. How does your Foot do, Madam ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Pretty well, I think, Lucy : Your Hand has 
 done me exceeding Service, Mumps 
 
 Wat. Ay, ay, Chick, ev'ry one don't know the Virtue 
 
 of a warm Hand 1 don't like this fudden Cure. — To 
 
 roar out, but now when I touch'd it ; and now to walk a- 
 bout, as if nothing ail'd her. [^Afide. 
 
 Lucy. If you were a Surgeon, Sir, and could effecfl Cures 
 fo foon, you'd grow rich apace. 
 
 Wat. {A/cde.) I wifh you and your Miflrefs have not all 
 your 1 might not always be fo lucky. 
 
 Lucy. To prevent your being made a Cuckold, I grant 
 you. [A/ide, 
 
 Wat. I took this, jufh in the Nick. 
 
 Lucy. Or fhe had nick'd you. [A/ide. 
 
 Wat. That is to fay, jufl as 'twas done. 
 
 Lucy. Nay, before it was done ; to my Lady's Sorrow. 
 
 [Afide. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Well, Mtimps^ I mufl remind you of your 
 Promife : I mufl go out to Day. 
 
 Wat. Fy, fy, you w^ould not walk upon your Foot fo 
 foon ; would you 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Pho ! I tell you my Foot is well : Befides, I 
 can take a Chair. 
 
 Wat. Prithee, what Bufmefs hafl thou abroad, Wife 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Wliy, I want to go to Chapel, in the firfl 
 Place. 
 
 Wat. The Saints will hear you as well, from your Clofet. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I can't pray in my Clofet. 
 
 Wat. Nor any where elfe, I believe. S^Afcde. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Befides, here are Priefts in London. 
 
 Wat, Ay ! Enough to corrupt the whole Nation 
 
 Mrs. Wat. And it is a mortal Sin not to confefs, when 
 'tis in one's Powder to do it. 
 
 Wat. Pray, what Sins have you committed that you are 
 in fuch hafle to unburthen ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. You are not qualify'd to know. 
 
 Wat. Well, fmce your Confcience accufes you, you fhall 
 have a Priefl. I'll fend to the What-d'ye-call 'em Ambaf- 
 fador's, for one of his ; who fhall take your Confeffion in 
 O 2 your 
 
3i6 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 your Clofet ; but Til Rand at the Door : For 1 would not 
 trufl one of thefe Pardon felling Rogues : They have fuch 
 convincing Arguments for Cuckoldom. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Why, do you think, Sir, that Til be fhut up 
 thus, for ever ? 
 
 Wat. Nay, if you begin to exalt your Voice, then I mufl 
 tell you, it is my Pleafure to have it fo. Let that fuffice. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. No, that will not fuffice ; for it's againfl my 
 Inclination. 
 
 Wat. Which is not to be fuffic'd ; for you are never fa- 
 tisfy'd with gadding ; if we Hufbands fhould always follow 
 our Wives Inclinations, 'we fliould be in a fine Condition. 
 
 Lucy. I am fure you have all Conditions, but good ones. 
 
 {^/Ifide. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Is this your matrimonial Vow ! to imprifon 
 me ; 3^ou that wou'd cherifh, love, and worfhip me ! 
 
 Wat. So I do, don't I, my dear Flefh and Blood ? Thou 
 art my Goddefs, and I adore thee ; and cannot fuffer thee 
 out of my Sight. 
 
 Lucy. If you two are one Flefh, how come you to have 
 fuch different Minds, pray, Sir.^^ 
 
 Wat. Becaufe the Mind has nothing to do with the 
 Flefli. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. That's your Miflake, Sir ; the Body is go- 
 verned by the Mind. So much Philofophy I know. 
 
 Wat. Yes, yes ; I believe you underfland natural Philo- 
 fophy very well, Wife : I doubt the Flefh has got the bet- 
 ter of the Spirit in you. — Look ye. Madam ! Every Man's 
 W'ife is his Vineyard ; you are mine, therefore 1 wall you 
 in. Ads-budikins, ne'er a Coxcomb in the Kingdom fhall 
 plant fo much as a Primrofe in my Ground. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I am fure, your Management will produce 
 nothing but Thorns. 
 
 Wat. Nay, ev'ry Wife is a Thorn in her Hufband's Side : 
 Your whole Sex is a kind of Sweet-brier, and he who 
 meddles with it, is fure to prick his Fingers. 
 
 Lucy. That is, when you handle us too roughly. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. You are a kind of Rue ; neither good for 
 Smell nor Tafle. 
 
 Wat. But very wholefome. Wife. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Ay, fo they fay of all Bitters ; yet I v/ou'd 
 not be oblig'd to feed upon Gentian and Wormwood. 
 
 Wat. 
 
The ARTIFICE. 
 
 317 
 
 Wat. No, you like Sweet-meats better. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Confinement wou'd cloy me with them too. 
 
 Wat. Or you are no Woman. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. But what do's this fignify to our Marriage- 
 Articles } You know the Forfeiture, if you deny me 
 ghoftly Aid. 
 
 Wat. A thoufand Pounds, You bit me there. 
 
 Have a care I don't bite you again. {A fide.) Well, 
 
 well, you fhall have this ghoftly Aid But do you con- 
 
 fider, you never had the Sm.all-Pox, and it never was fo 
 mortal as now ; therefore it is not convenient you fhou'd 
 
 go abroad ; indeed it is not, Piidfey 'Tis out of pure 
 
 Love to thee, Faith, my Dear ; for the Small-Pox would 
 fpoil that pretty Face : It wou'd truly, Ptcdfey. Prithee 
 now, believe thine own MiiDips. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Away ! 1 hate your wheedling. Thofe 
 
 who languifh under the Plague, need not fear the Small- 
 Pox. Exit with Lucy. 
 
 Wat. Humph ! Say you f o ? I fliall indeed be a Plague 
 to you, if I catch you tardy, Gentlewoman. Odd, I can't 
 put this Foot of hers out of my Head ; it looks like an 
 Excufe to conceal fome fecret Failing, and puts me in 
 mind of a youthful Stratagem of my own. Having been a 
 little familiar with one of my Mother's Maids, and like to 
 have been caught, I cut my Finger, and pretended I came 
 
 for a Rag to bind it up. This Fellow with his Excoju- 
 
 municato Capiendi too, may have more in't than I can 
 fee through : I refolve to examine my Servants, if ever 
 they faw him before ; but in perfonating this Priefl, I fhall 
 know all. 
 
 Lucy lifleiiing. 
 
 Lucy. Shall you f o 
 
 Wat. I have befpoke a Difguife ; and am refolv'd to 
 take her Confeffion myfelf. 
 
 Lucy. Indeed ! My Lady fhall know your Contri- 
 vance ; and if fhe does not fit you for your Curiolity, I am 
 miftaken, old Gentleman. \^Exit. 
 
 Wat. If (he has Cuckolded me, tho' but in Thought, I 
 will injoin her fuch a Penance ! 
 
 Zoons I ril fo fwinge, fo mortify the fade, 
 That fhe fiall n^er forget my ghoftly Aid. 
 
 A C T 
 
3i8 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE Widow Heedlefs'j- Houfe, She wiping dowii 
 the Diiji with her Haiidker chief. 
 
 Enter Judith. 
 
 Wid. CV UDITHI What haft thou been doing all this 
 J Morning, that my Drefling-Room is in this 
 pickle t 
 
 Jud. Pickle ! 
 
 Wid. Ay, pickle, Sauce-box ; why doft thou eccho me ? 
 yud. Eccho you ! 
 
 Wid. Again ! Indeed I fhall flap your Chaps if you 
 
 don't learn to leave off repeating my \V ords after me. 
 
 Jud. After you ! Marry, I 
 
 Wid. {Gives her a Box d' the Ear.) You will do it then. 
 
 yud. Will do what ? Chem zhour, chcm can do nothing 
 to pleafe you 1 Chem clean'd it as it had bin vor mine Life ; 
 zo I dud. 
 
 Wid. Life ! what is thy Life, Muck-worm, to a clean 
 Room? Doft thou imagine Rooms he thus at Court.'* 
 Ha, Slattern ? 
 
 Jtid. They can't lie better, I think. 
 
 Wid. Think 1 why dofl thou think, Animal } What 
 haft thou to do with Thought 1 Mind thy own Bufmefs, 
 and never puzzle thy Noddle with Thought. 
 
 Enter Sir Philip and Tally. 
 Blefs me ! my Lord, and Sir Philip / — I am aftiam'd to be 
 caught in this Diforder ! 
 
 Sir Phil, My Lord and I have been fetching a Walk, 
 and I could not perfuade his Lordfliip to pafs by your 
 Door, Couftn, without calling. You are his North, and 
 he is embarked in the Cock-boat of Love, and is conftantly 
 pointing this way. 
 
 Wid. You are very pleafant this Morning,Sir P/^//^)^. But- 
 
 Tally. I alk your Pardon, Madam ; but finding your 
 Door open, and no-body in the Way, the Knight under- 
 took to be M after of the Ceremonies, as well as to anfvver 
 the Reproaches I might reafonably expect from you, for 
 this Liberty 
 
 Wid. Oh, good my Lord, no Apologv ! That ought to 
 
 be 
 
77^^ A RT I F I CE. 319 
 
 be done by me for the Diforderyour Lordfhip finds me in. 
 
 Go, Beefom, and look for your Fellow Puzzles, and 
 
 a(k 'em, Why theyjeave my Doors open ? I fhallbe robb'd 
 
 one of thefe Days. -Sure, never any body was fatigued 
 
 with Servants as I am. Did you ever vifit a Lady in a 
 Stable before, my Lord ? Oh gad, I fhall be fluck, mir'd, 
 and laid faft, and forc'd to be dug out like a Potatoe. 
 
 [Holds up her Coats and walks cautioufly. 
 
 Tally, A Stable, Madam ! I protefl I think your Houfe 
 is as much in Order, as any Lady's in Lo7idon. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ay, my Lord, there are few of the Quality 
 fuch Houfewives, as my Coufm. If it be your Lordfhip's 
 good Fortune to marry her, (he'll fet the Ladies at Court 
 a Pattern. 
 
 Wid. Fy, Sir Philip I This to my Face 1 it looks like 
 Flattery. 
 
 Tally. What would be Flattery to another, is but doing 
 you Juftice, Madam. 
 
 Wid. Women have no Defence againft the fine Things 
 you well-bred Men fay. To raife our V anity, and make 
 us have a good Opinion of ourfelves, you are fure, is one 
 way to be well in our Efheem. 
 
 Tally. I fhould think myfelf the happiefl Man living, if 
 I cou'd perceive I had the leafl fhare in yours, Madam. 
 
 Sir Phil. His Lordfhip complains, Coufm, that you are 
 
 inexorable. Hark ye, one Word with you. Don't 
 
 overftand your Market. A Man of Quality is not to be 
 caught every Day. 
 
 Fain. {Lijlening) There's an old Rogue now. {Afcde. 
 
 Wid. Wou'cl you have me marry a Man as foon as he 
 afl^s me the Queftion, Sir Philip f I think, to have an A- 
 mour with a Perfon of Rank known and talk'd of, is one 
 of the greatefl Inducements to Matrimony ; efpecially if 
 it gives the Refl of my Sex Pain. 
 
 Fain. {A/cde.) Right Woman, on my Confcience ! 
 
 Wid. My Lord ! won't your Lordlhip pleafe to refl 
 yourfelf 1 
 
 Tally. My Refl depends upon your Ladyfhip. 
 
 Fain. {AJlde.) Who fhall never be a Refling-Place for 
 you to Tally on. 
 
 Wid. I'm certain, it is not in my Power to give your 
 Lordfhip Pain. 
 
 O 4 Fain. 
 
320 77/^? ARTIF ICE. 
 
 Fain. So — Another Trap ! but Til fpoil the Dialogue. 
 Enter Fainwell. 
 
 Tally. More than your whole Sex. 
 
 Wid. Your Lorfhip will make me vain. 
 
 Sir Phil. If there could be any Addition to the Vanity 
 that thou haft already. {^Afide. 
 
 IVid. Oh, Jeffery I Well have you delivered all 
 
 my Meffages ? 
 
 Fain. By Mefs, I think fo. 
 
 Wid. Ha ! [Looking wijlful at hiin. 
 
 Fain. How many dud you gi' me, Forfooth ? 
 
 Wid. Madam Oh the Clodhopper ! S^Afide. 
 
 Fain. Mrs. What-ni-cull-um, at the Hog\s-Head^ was 
 gone ont, chu'd feem. 
 
 Wid. Madam i Blockhead. {Gives him a Boxo7i the Ear. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ha, ha, ha ! this is like to be a diverting Scene. 
 
 Wid. How oiten mufl I inflruct you to behave yourfelf 
 before Company t Will you never learn Manners, Booby 
 
 Fain. No I fhan't, an you go on at thik lame Hip-flap 
 
 Rate. Nouns, an thick be London Breeding, fend me 
 
 into the Country agen, 1 fay. 
 
 Tally. If I were thy Lady, Fellow, thou fhould'fl have 
 thy Wilh. 
 
 Fain. Say you fo ? Ay ! But curjl Cows have /hort Horns. 
 we fay in our Country, — I fhall never be your Servant, I 
 hope ! 
 
 Wid. How now. Sauce-box ! do you know who you 
 talk to 
 
 Fain. Yes, I do — better than you think for, mehap. 
 
 Tally. {AJlde) How's that 1 S'death if this Bumkinly 
 Dog Ihould know me, he'll fpoil all. 
 
 Wid. I have a good Mind, Sirrah, to dafh your Teeth 
 down your Throat. 
 
 FaiTi. So yow ma' an you wol. What does he meddle 
 with me for, then ? I dud not meddle v/i' him ; dud I 
 
 Sir Phil. You'll have your Bones broke in Lojzdon, Sir- 
 rah. I admire my Lord does not cane you, Scoundrel. 
 
 Tally. His being this Lady's Servant protecSls him. 
 
 Fain No, it is that protects yow ; for an 1 had yow in 
 my Country 
 
 Tally. This Fellow and I mufl have a little Confabula- 
 tion. I muft flop his Mouth. 
 
 Wid. 
 
m A R T I F I C E. 
 
 321 
 
 Wid. Sirrah, no more of your Impudence ; but give me 
 an Account of the Bufmefs I fent you about. How does 
 Lady Liicy, Lady Lock-up, Lady Love-it, Lady Set-up, 
 Lady Comely, Lady Revel, Lady Ramble, Mrs. Prim, Mrs. 
 Prude, Mrs. Cojlly, and Mrs. Travel ? 
 
 Fain. Nowns ! her Tongue runs like the Mill at 
 Vather^s Orchard-end, that fcares Crows fro* the Cherry- 
 tree. 
 
 Wid, Does it fo, Sirrah ? 
 
 \Runs to beat kirn, but Tally Jleps in between. 
 
 Tally. Hold, hold, dear Madam, let me intercede for 
 Mr. Jejffery this once. 
 
 Fain. How civil the Dog is ! {Afide. 
 
 Wid. Your Lordfhip commands me. Well, Mrs. Fifk- 
 out, at the Boards-Head, which you call the Hog^s-Head, 
 Clumfy ! was gone out, you fay 1 
 
 Fain. So fhe was. 
 
 Wid. How's that ? 
 
 Tally. ( Afcde to Fain well.) Madam ? Jeffery 
 
 Madam You forget. 
 
 Fain. Madam 
 
 Wid. Hoa ! you have fqueez'd out Madam at lafl. 
 
 Fain. Squeezed Od ! would I had the fqueezing of 
 
 you. 
 
 Wid. How, Sirah ! you fqueeze me ? My Lord ! Sir 
 Philip ! Did you ever hear fuch a Varlet ? 
 
 Tally. You fee, Madam, your Beauty reaches all De- 
 grees. He fpeaks from his Heart, I dare fwear. 
 
 Sir Phil. You have him as you breed him. 
 
 Wid. Oh, that's barbarous, Sir Philip. You don't know 
 
 the Pains I take with my clodpated Family. Well ! 
 
 {Looking at Fain well. 
 
 Fain. Yes, they are well. Madam And hope yow 
 
 are well. Madam— And they'll all, — or fome of them, will 
 
 come to fee yow. Madam -So they gi' their Loves 
 
 Loves ? No, no, So they gi' their Service to yow, 
 
 Madam An, an, an, an So that's all. Madam 
 
 There's Madam enough for yow now, I think, if yow 
 know when yow have enough. 
 
 Tally. Now Jeffery has done it. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Wid. I have been teaching him the diflinguifhing Rap, 
 thefe three Days ! and yet, I warrant, he'll knock with 
 
 " VOL. III. O 5 the 
 
322 
 
 7%^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Ihe fneaking Air of a Taylor. Let^s hear how you per- 
 form ? [He knocks awkwardly. 
 
 Wid, Execrable ! Didn't I tell you fo ? There, 
 
 Blockhead. {She thunders at the Door, 
 
 Fain, ByV Lady ! that's enough to fright all the Dogs 
 in Town. 
 
 Wid, In the Opinion of fuch a Puppy as you are 
 
 Go, bid the Cook fet on the Tea-kettle, and cut fome 
 
 Bread and Butter. But d'ye hear 1 don't you bring it 
 
 dangling in your Fifl, as you did Yeflerday, Sloven 
 
 If you do, I fhall throw it at your Head, Sir. Remember 
 to bring me nothing without a Plate : D'ye hear 1 — You 
 han't breakfafled, I hope. Sir Philip ? 
 
 Sir PhiL Yes, long fmce. 
 
 Tally, So have I, Madam. 
 
 Sir Phil. Jefferfz talking of Dogs, puts me in Mind of 
 a Meffage from my Daughter. She bid me tell you, fhe 
 expedls a Puppy : Has your Bitch litter'd yet, Coufm 1 
 
 Wid, Not yet, Sir Philip, You never faw a poor Crea- 
 ture fo big in your Life, y^ffery, fetch Mi/ha hither. 
 
 (Fainwell going,) Hark-ye ! Hark-ye ! — Come back, 
 
 {He runs up to her No/e,) What ! — will you run your Nofe 
 into my Mouth Where are your Manners, when you 
 
 leave the Room 1 Still that Scrape 1 I thought I had 
 
 Ihew'd you to bend your Body only, and keep your Feet 
 upon the Ground. 
 
 Fain, By'r Lady, you'll make an ambling Nag o'me by- 
 and-by. [Fxit, 
 
 Tally. {A/lde.) Nothing but the twenty thoufand Pounds 
 could make Amends for thy Impertinence. — I admire you 
 give yourfelf the Trouble of Country Servants, Madam. 
 
 Wid. I would not keep a Town Servant, my Lord) if 
 they would live with me for nothing. Their whole Atten- 
 tion is Drunkennefs and Pride. The dirtieft Trollup in 
 the Town mufl have her Top-knot and Tickin-fhoes. This 
 City fpoils all Servants. I took a Weljh Runt lafl Spring, 
 whofe Generation fcarce ever knew the Ufe of Stockings : 
 
 And will you believe me, my Lord.'* She had not 
 
 liv'd with me three Weeks, before fhe few'd three Penny 
 Canes round the Bottom of her Shift, inflead of a Hoop- 
 Petticoat. 
 
 Sir Phil, That was fomething better than a Wench at 
 
 my 
 
A R T I F I C E. 
 
 323 
 
 my Houfe, who difrob^d a Barrel, and let all the Ale about 
 the Cellar. One of the Ends of the Hoop working out, 
 difcover'd the Trick, and at the fame time flung down a 
 
 Side-Board of Glaffes. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Tally. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Wid, Ay, they do more Mifchief than their Necks are 
 worth. If the Parliament don^t lay a Tax upon their 
 Pride, there will be no living. I wifh your Lordlhip would 
 take it into Confideration. 
 
 Enter Fainwell. 
 
 Wid. Well ! Whereas Mijha ? 
 
 Fain. By Mefs, I can't bring her ; not I. 
 
 Wid. How fo .'^ Is fhe fo heavy ? 
 
 Fain. No, fhe's not fo heavy : But I can't make her lie 
 upon a Plate, for the Blood o^me, fo I can't. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ha, ha, ha ! Ridiculous enough ! Ha, ha ! 
 
 Wid. A Plate, Blockhead ! a Plate ! did you ever fee a 
 Dog brought on a Plate, Clod-hopper ? Did you 
 
 {Following him about. 
 
 Sir Phil. Pure Innocence, Faith ! 
 
 Fain. Nay, how do I know your London Valhions ? — 
 You bad me but now, I am zure, to bring you naught 
 without a Plate ; fo you dud. 
 
 Wid. What 1 — Living Things ? — Ha, did I fay Living 
 Things 1 
 
 Fain. Living Things ! S'Blead, the Devil would not 
 
 live wi'you The Cobler wants Six-pence for mending 
 
 your Clogs, Judith bod me tell yow. 
 
 Wid. Thefe Wretches will diftradl me ! Is that a 
 
 Meffage to be delivered to me in Publick ? Ha, Thick- 
 fcull ! — But fmce you have no more Wit, let me fee what 
 
 he has done for the Money My Lord, you'll excufe 
 
 this Piece of O economy. \Exit Fainwell. 
 
 Tally. O ! Madam 
 
 Fainwell returns with the Clogs upon a Plate. 
 
 Wid. Did you ever fee the Fellow of him, Sir Philip f 
 I protefl he puts me into an Agony ! Why, you Thick- 
 
 fcuU'd Rafcal ! You unthinking Dolt ! You fenfe- 
 
 lefs Ideot ! Was ever a Pair of dirty Clogs brought 
 
 upon a Plate, Sirrah ? — Ha ! — Was there ? — Was there ? 
 Was there 1 Hedge Hog ? [Follows him about and 
 
 beats hijny Sir Philip interpofcng. 
 O 6 Fain, 
 
324 
 
 A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Fain. What d'ye ftrick me vor? The Clogs arVt 
 
 Living Things too, are they ? By the Mefs, Fll take 
 
 the Law of you, fo I will, an you thrafh me about at thick 
 fame Rate. S'Blead, an yow were a Man, Td drefs your 
 Jacket for yow. 
 
 Sir Phil. Fy, fy, Coufm, this is not like a fine Lady. 
 
 Wid. That's your Miflake, Sir Philip ; my Lady Flip- 
 panl beats her whole Family, from her Hufband to her 
 Coachman. 
 
 Tally. {A/ide) I fhall teach you better Manners, if 
 once I get you. 
 
 Wid. Out of my Sight, Sirrah ! 
 
 Fain. Who the Murrain, cares to ftay in it, I wonder } 
 
 Ah ! Jeffery ! Jeffery ! thou art right enough ferv'd ! 
 
 Why didfl thou leave thy Sweetheart, Cicely^ to pine away 
 like a Goofe in a Pen ? 
 
 Sir Phil. Why, then you are falfe-hearted, Jeffery ? 
 
 Fain, I have been, Sir ; with Shame I confefs it, or I 
 
 had never come under Miflrefs's Clutches. But 
 
 May all falfe-hearted Men my Fortune have, 
 And who flights Woman, be a Woman'vS" Slave. 
 IVe fomewhat to fay to you, my Lord, when Time fhall 
 ferve. {As he goes out. 
 
 Tally. Fll meet you in Covent-Garden Piazza, in Half 
 an Hour. \Aflde to Fainwell. 
 
 Re-enter Fainwell. 
 
 Fain. Here's the Knight in Black to fpeak wi'yow. 
 
 Sir Freeman, I think they call him. 
 
 Wid. Sir John Freeman, you mean Shew him up. 
 
 Sir Phil. Hold, hold, let me be gone firft. I have fome 
 
 Reafons why I don't care to fee him. 1 had fome Bufi- 
 
 nefs with you, Coufm, but I fhall fend to you. Will you 
 
 walk, my Lord ? Or fhall I leave your Lordfhip ? 
 
 Tall, ril wait on you. Sir Philip. 1 take an unwil- 
 ling Leave, Madam : But it may not be convenient to 
 prefs upon your Bufmefs — I long to know what this Fel- 
 low has to fay to me. {Aflde.) Your mofl obedient 
 
 humble Servant. [Exit Tally and Sir Philip. 
 
 Wid. I am your Lordfhip's 
 
 Enter Sir John. 
 
 Sir John. I afk your Pardon, Madam ; I fear my Vifit 
 has robb'd you of better Company. 
 
 Wid. 
 
m ARTIFICE. 325 
 
 IVid. Not at all, Sir yohn : Your Father-in- Law, that 
 was to have been, is juft gone out ; he feem'd unwilling to 
 meet you. 
 
 Sir yokn. Well he might, after his perfidious Ufage. 
 Wid, But is your Brother really to marry my Coufm 
 Olivia ? 
 
 Sir yohn. I have Reafon to fear it ; but hope he will be 
 difappointed. I received Inflru61:ions from Olivia to wait 
 on you. Madam, to afk a Favour of you. 
 
 Wid. She may command every Thing in my Power, 
 Sir yohn. What is it ? 
 
 Sir yohn. That you would give a Lady Entertainment 
 in that Apartment which opens into the Back-flreet. 
 
 Wid. What, is that the Dutch Lady, Sir yohnf 
 
 Sir John. The fame, Madam. 
 
 Wid. She's welcome. May her coming prove propitious ! 
 Enter Judith. 
 
 yud. Here's one Mr. Freeman to wait on you, he fays. 
 
 Sir yohn. My Brother ; what can he want ? Does he ufe 
 to vifit you, Madam 1 
 
 Wid. He never was here in his Life ! I can't imagine 
 his Bufmefs ! Would you fee him ? 
 
 Sir yohn. Yes, yes ; but not a Word of the Bufmefs I 
 came about. 
 
 Wid. You don't think me fo indifcreet, I hope : Shew 
 him up, yudith. 
 
 Enter Ned Freeman. 
 
 Ned. Madam, your Servant. Ha ! Brother ! I'm glad 
 to find you in fuch good Company. My Brother yack's 
 a pretty Fellow, Madam. 
 
 Wid. So he is, indeed, Sir. He wants nothing but a 
 Wife, in my Opinion. 
 
 Ned. {AJlde.) Brother, I hope you conceive a Widow, 
 
 when fhe makes fuch Wifhes in your Favour. She has 
 
 Twenty Thoufand Pounds. 
 
 Sir yohn. And what then. Sir 
 
 Ned. What then, Sir 1 Why, then he who marries her, 
 
 will be worth Twenty Thoufand Pounds That's all ! 
 
 Sir yohn. I would' advife you to marry her yourfelf. 
 Ned. I thank you, Sir ; but I am provided. 
 Sir yohn. So am L 
 
 Ned. Why then I wiih you Joy, Brother, if you are fo 
 
 fure 
 
326 A R T I F I C E. 
 
 fure of it. Madam, I have a Meffage to you from Sir 
 
 Philip Money love ^ who intended to have delivered it to you 
 himfelf ; but Company coming in, and being to meet a 
 Lawyer at the Rummer, where I now left him, he was ob- 
 liged to leave your Ladyfhip without telling you, that he 
 came to know your Refolution about a Piece of Land that 
 he mentioned to you fome Time ago. He would gladly 
 buy it, or exchange with you for another ; becaufe that 
 Ground is contiguous to fome Part of his Eftate, which he 
 is about to fettle upon his Daughter. 
 
 Wid, Pray, Sir, let my Coufm know, that I gave my 
 Lawyer Orders to treat with him about that Matter. 
 
 Ned. Where does your Lawyer live, Madam. 
 
 Wid. At Number 2 in the isfZ/^^'s-Bench Walks in the 
 Temple, Sir Philip knows him. 
 
 Ned. Very well. Madam. Brother, where fhall I fee 
 
 you in the Evening ? 
 
 Sir John. I am engaged this Evening. 
 
 Ned. You'll make one in a Country- Dance to Morrow 
 I hope ? for that is to be my Wedding-Day 
 
 Sir John, I hope to baulk you yet. {A/lde.) 1 can 
 
 promife nothing for Futurity, Sir. 
 
 Ned, Humph ! you can't ! v/hat you pleafe, Sir. — 
 
 Madam, your mofl humble Servant. 
 
 Wid, How he triumphs ! How can you bear the Airs 
 
 he gives himfelf. Sir John f 
 
 Sir John, To do him Juflice, Madam, I believe he knows 
 nothing of my Pretenfions to Olivia, He was travelling, 
 when firft I made my Addreffes ; and fmce his Return, 
 we have not been fo well with one another, to communi- 
 cate Things of this Nature. 
 
 Wid. I afk your Pardon, Sir John, for keeping you 
 landing. Won't you pleafe to fit. Sir.-* 
 
 Sir John. Excufe me, dear Madam ; I intend to take 
 this Opportunity to fee Olivia, whilft her Jaylor's abroad, 
 let the Confequence be what it will ; and let her know, 
 how much we are oblig'd to you, Madam. 
 
 Wid. My good Wifhes attend you both, Sir John. [Ex, 
 
 SCENE changes to Coven t- Garden Piazzas. 
 Enter Fain well, yi?/^^-. 
 Fain. Ha ! not here ! fure he don't fufpe<5l me ; and ap- 
 prehend 
 
r>^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 327 
 
 prehend a Duel might enfue ; all my Meafures are broke, 
 
 if he fhould Ho ! here he comes. 
 
 Enter Tally. 
 
 Tally, What can this Fellow have to fay to me, I won- 
 der If he has difcovered me, he wants a Bribe. But I 
 hope it is not fo : for I fhou'd be loth to have a Secret of 
 this Nature lie in the Breafl of fuch a Blunderer. {A/ide.) 
 
 Mr. Jeffery ! I proteft I did not fee you. Well, 
 
 what can I ferve you in ? 
 
 Fain, In nought, that I know of, Zir ; but me-haps, I 
 may zerve you in zomewhat, Zir ; — my Lord, I wou'd zay. 
 I beg your Pardon, Zir ; we dan't zee zuch vine Volk in our 
 Country every Day — zo that I hopeyow won't be angry an 
 I fhou'd not hit on your Worfliip's Name at every turn. 
 
 Tally, Angry ! no, no, Mr. Jeffery, I hate Ceremony. 
 
 1 find he does not know me ; all's fafe. {Afide.) If it 
 
 were not neceffary that we People of Quality fhou'd be 
 diflinguifh'd by the Titles and Degrees his Majefly has 
 been pleas'd to exalt us to, I wou'd not care if I were 
 calFd plain Jack, 
 
 Fain, If you were exalted according to your Merit, 
 
 you'd take your Degree at Tyburn, {Afide.) Ay, ay, 
 
 nothing but right, Zir, nothing but right. 
 
 Tally. But which Way am I to be oblig'd to you, Mr. 
 Jeffery f I fhan't prove ungrateful, I affure you. 
 
 Fain, Nay, as for that, d'ye zee — that's not the Matter 
 
 1 dan't want a Bribe. An tho' I be but a poor Fellow, 
 
 and wears a tawdry Coat here, and am thumpt, and beaten 
 about as you zee, I have an honeft Heart in my Belly, and 
 good Blood in me too, for aught I know : For yow mun 
 underfland, Vather was my Lord Firebrand's Gardiner 
 when I was got, chou'd zeem, and they fay Mother was a 
 deadly pretty Woman. — 
 
 Tally, From whence you would infer, that his Lordfhip 
 might be your Father. Not unlikely ; but go on. 
 
 Fain, I perceive your Lordfhip is a Suitor to my Miflrefs. 
 
 Tally, I confefs you are a Man of Penetration. I am in- 
 deed an Admirer of hers. 
 
 Fain, The more's the pity. I'm zorry for't. 
 
 Tally. Why fo ? 
 
 Fain, Becaufe, I'm zure fhe'll ufe you like a Dog : I 
 han't liv'd a Month wi'her, and to my Knowledge, fhe 
 
 has 
 
328 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 has made Fools of Three or Four ; main Tightly Men, I 
 promife yow. 
 
 Tally, The Devil. 
 
 Fain. {Starts,) Mercy o' me ! Where, Zir? Dud yow 
 zee any Thing, my Lord ? 
 
 Tally, No, no, I was only furpriz'd. Curfedly igno- 
 rant. \AJide, 
 
 Fain, Surpriz'd ! be Mefs, the Devil wou'd furprize ony 
 Man, and tho^ he were the Parfon o' the Parifh. 
 
 Tally, But has fhe had fo many Lovers, fay you ? 
 
 Fain, Oh, a mort, Zir, a mort : But I can tell yow one 
 Thing ; fhe likes yow woundy well. 
 
 Tally, Ay ! How doft thou know that, my Boy ? 
 
 Fain, Why, our Mary knows all her Heart, mun, an 
 fhe tells me eVry Thing. Odd, an yow knew as much as 
 I cou^d tell yow, your Bufmefs might zoon be done, Zir ; 
 my Lord, I wou'd zay. 
 
 Tally, Ay ! How, prithee? 
 
 Fain, But won't yow be falfe-hearted now, and tell ? 
 
 Tally, What, againft myfelf No, no, there's no Dan- 
 ger of that. Befides, I hope you don't think I wou'd be 
 fo ungenerous to you ! 
 
 Fain, Nay, as for that, I'm but a Servant ; an one 
 
 Place won't do, another woll, for that Matter. Now what 
 I am going to tell your Lordfhip, is none o' my Bufmefs, 
 as one may zay ; but it would make a-body mad to zee a 
 Woman flounze about the Houfe, like a Dog in a Duck- 
 ing-Pond. Now, Zir, an fhe had a Hufband — He, he, 
 
 he, he ! why me-haps, he, he ! me-haps, I zay, he 
 
 might vind her fomewhat elfe to do, zometimes. Yow 
 vunderfland me, Zir. 
 
 Fain, That I dare fwear. {A fide.) Why, that was my 
 
 very Thought now. 1 wifh yow had her, Zir ; but 
 
 you'll find it a knotty Piece of Work, let me but tell you 
 that ; fhe deals as fcurvily with her Sweet-hearts, one 
 Way, as with her Servants another ; and, I Cod, I ha' 
 found her Fingers flip-flap, this a-way, and that a-way, 
 like a Flail upon a Wheat-flieaf. \^Flinging out his ArmSy 
 and hits Tally a Slap on the Face, 
 
 Tally, A Pox of your Similies. [A/ide, 
 
 Fain, 
 
7:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 329 
 
 Fain, Odfave me ! Dud I hit yow, Zir ? 
 
 Tally, Oh, no Matter, Jeffery, Go on 
 
 Fain, I hope your Lordfhip's Worfhip will forgive me. 
 Zir ; I meant no Harm, not I, Zir. — But as I was zay- 
 
 ing, Miflrefs will give you the Dog to hold, and yow 
 
 do'no'give her fomewhat. 
 
 Tally, Think'll thou fo, Jeffery? Why, what woud'ft 
 thou have me do ? 
 
 Fain. Don't yow know that without telling ? There is 
 fomewhat to be done, Zir, befide the Parfon, or yow mufl 
 dangle after her till Doom's Day, to no more Purpofe, 
 than to winnow Corn without a Wind. — Her t'other Huf- 
 band dudn't get her with Compliments, my Lord. 
 
 Tally, No ! 
 
 Fain, No, no ! He had been in Ireland^ and knew bet- 
 ter Things, Mun. 
 
 Tally. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! Are we thought to have a par- 
 ticular Method to gain the Women, Jeffery ? For I am of 
 that Country, you mufl know. 
 
 Fain. Are you zo, my Lord ; Nay, then, and all be 
 true they zay o' yowr Country Men, one need not tell 
 yow which End to begin your Work at. 
 
 Tally. Ha ! Is fhe to be won that Way } I thank you 
 
 for the Hint. 1 find thou art a Lad of Parts ; and when 
 
 I am thy Mailer, Til have thee taught to fhave, and make 
 thee my Valet de Cha?nbre, 
 
 Fain, I fhall fhave you, I believe, before I have done 
 with you. — With what affurance the Rogue talks. \Aftde, 
 I fhall be main thankful to your Lordfhip, an yow do, Zir ; 
 when wol yow come to our Houfe agen ? 
 
 Tally. This Evening What is the befl Time to find 
 
 her alone ? 
 
 Fain, Be mefs, I known't that ; but an yow find her a- 
 lone, ril take Care, Nobody fhall diflurb yow, an yow'U 
 put it home to her. 
 
 Tally. Wo't thou ! Egad, there's a Guinea for thee to 
 
 drink my Health, then. Never fear, I warrant thee, 
 
 Boy, ril have her. {Exit, 
 
 Fain, Ha, ha, ha ! How generous the Rogue is : Well, 
 I hope by this Stratagem to give her a Difgufl to his pre- 
 tended Lordfhip ; at leafl, I fhall prove if fhe has any 
 Thing valuable, befides her Money. 
 
330 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 To talk of Virtue is the Womens Pride ; 
 
 But they give Proofs on't, who refifl, when trfd. [Exit, 
 
 Enter Sir John, folus. 
 Sir John. This is the Houfe ! Oh ? for an Art to make 
 myfelf invifible ! [Knocks^ the Porter opens the Door, 
 Por, Who would you fpeak with, Sir ? 
 Sir John, With your young Lady, Friend. 
 Por, I wonder you'll be fo troublefome, Sir, I told you 
 before, I would not difobey my Orders. [He offers Money, 
 — ril have none of your JVIoney, Sir, — Fm not to be bribed 
 to betray my Trufl, Pd have you to know that. 
 Sir John. Then you muft be kick'd out of it. Sir. 
 
 {Pulls him out, gives him a Kick, enters, and Jhuts 
 the Door, 
 
 Por, Murder ! Thieves ! Murder ! — This is a terrible 
 Fellow. For my Part Pll never hinder him going in again. 
 
 — And now he is in, I wifh I had taken the Money. 
 
 He has fhut the Door, and the Devil take them that open 
 it, for Dick, [Exit, 
 
 The SCENE changes to the Infide of the Houfe, 
 
 Olivia and Sir John meeting, 
 
 Olivia, Dick \ Will \ John \ What Noife of Murder is 
 that ? Ah ; Freeman \ [Half fainti^ig ; he catches her. 
 
 Sir John, My Life ! my Soul ! Am I become fo hateful 
 to thee, that thou can'fl not bear my Sight } 
 
 Oliv, How ill dofl thou interpret my Surprize 1 
 The unexpe6led Joy of feeing thee. 
 When no one Means fupply'd me with a Hope, 
 To tell thee, That to Morrow, 
 
 Sir John, Thou art to be my Sifter. 
 
 Oliv. Blafl the Name ! 
 
 Sir John. Perifh my Brother firft, — If thou art true. If 
 thy Heart has not confented. 
 
 Oliv. To him nor any, but thyfelf. 
 
 Sir John. Then not all the Brothers upon Earth fhall 
 take thee from me. Mrs. Heedlefs readily comply'd with 
 your Requefl, and I have fent Louifa thither. 
 
 Oliv. Alas ! I fear that Lady's come too late. 
 The Time's fo fhort, the Plot cannot fucceed ! 
 
 Sir John. Doft thou think fo Yet wilt thou flay, and 
 
 facrifice 
 
2"/^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 331 
 
 facrifice thyfelf and me ? Confent to fly with me, now, 
 whilft Sir Philip is abroad. 
 
 Oliv, But whither fhall we fly ? 
 
 Sir John, Where Love diredls us. 
 
 Oliv, I could, methinks, run any Rifque with thee ; 
 and thou perhaps, wouldfl: do the fame with me. Now in 
 the Summer of our Love, httle Cares would not offend us ; 
 But when the Glowing of the Paffion's over, and pinching 
 Cold of Winter follows, will amorous Sighs fupply the 
 Want of Fire? Or kind Looks and Kiffes keep off Hunger 1 
 
 Sir John, I think they would. But Love ne'er reafons 
 thus, Olivia. I fear my Brother's gawdy Train, has 
 raised this Pidlure of Defpair. He, he, has my Eflate ! 
 Dare I, flript as I am, pretend to vye with him 1 I, who 
 live upon his Bounty ! — Bounty ! damn the Word ! Live 
 on a younger Brother's Bounty, and fee him wed the Wo- 
 man I adore ! — That Thought will hurry me to Madnefs ! 
 
 Oliv, You wrong my Love, and I fhould chide you 
 for it, were our Condition happier. But to fliew you I 
 am a Lover-errant, confider what Trade you can take up 
 for a Livelihood. For my Part I can make Purfes by Day, 
 and fmg Ballads by Night. Now, if you can grind Knives, 
 or turn Tinker, Fm yours. {Slapping her Hand into his. 
 
 Sir John. Fortune can never cafl us fo low. She owes 
 thy Vertues more ; methinks this Dawn of Mirth, por- 
 tends a joyful Day. Hafte then my Faireft : Let us leave 
 this Place, that we may gain Time, at leafl, to work 
 Louifa^s Purpofe. 
 
 Oliv. Pll only fetch a few Jewels ; a fure Relief in 
 Time of Need. [Goes to the Door^ Jlarts^ and runs back. 
 Undone for ever ! my Father is coming up ! 
 
 Sir John. Mifchievous Accident ! — What fliall we do 
 Humph : {Pau/es.) I have it — Run you to your Chamber, 
 my Angel, and when you hear a Noife, come forth, and 
 wonder. \_Exit Olivia, Sir John lies down on a Couch, 
 and pulls his Hat over his Eyes, 
 Enter Sir Philip. 
 
 Sir John. Thus to be circled, thus to be embraced ! Oh ! 
 that I could hold thee for ever ! 
 
 Sir Philip. Ha ! What's this of embracing and holding 
 for ever ? 
 
 Sir John. The Curtain's drawn, and fee ! She's here 
 again ! Sir 
 
332 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 Sir. PhiL She's here !— Who's here ? What is the Mean- 
 ing of this ? 
 
 Sir John. Jocafta ! Ha ! What falFn afleep fo foon ? 
 
 Sir Philip, Jocafla ! Who is Jocafla ? What in the 
 Name of Vengeance have we here ? 
 
 Sir John, How fares my Love ? 
 
 Sir PhiL Nay, who the Devil knows ? 
 
 Sir John. Ha ! Lightening blafl me ! Thunder rivet me 
 for ever to Prometheus^ Rock, and Vultures gnaw out my 
 incefluous Heart ! 
 
 Sir Phil With all my Soul. 
 
 Sir John. By all the Gods, it is my Mother Merope. 
 
 Sir Phil. Merope ! Who, in the Devil's Name, is fhe 
 Ouns ! Where are all my Rafcals ? Now will I be hang'd 
 if here isn't a Pack of Strollers got into my Houfe. Why, 
 Rogues ! Villains ! Where are you all ? Who have you 
 let in, Rafcials ? S^Enter two or three Servants. 
 
 \Jl, Serv. We let in Nobody, Sir, not we. 
 
 Sir John. My Sword. — A Dagger. — Ha ! who waits 
 there ? 
 
 Sir Phil. Go look ! 
 
 2d Serv, O Lord ! No-body, no-body at all, Sir. Fly, 
 Mafler, fly ! It is a Madman, to be fure ! 
 
 I/?. Serv. Come away. Sir, come away ? He'll certainly 
 kill us. [Exeunt Servants, 
 
 Sir Phil. The Devil go with you all. 
 
 sir John. {Ri/mg.) Moft triumphant Mifchief ! 
 
 And now, whilft thus I flalk about the Room, 
 I challenge Fate to find another Wretch 
 Like Oedipus ! 
 
 Sir Phil. Oedipus ! Jufl as I thought ; Strollers ! neither 
 better nor worfe. But how the Devil they got into my 
 Houfe, that's the Queftion ? 
 
 Sir John. Horror ! Death ! Confufion ! Hell I and 
 Furies ! 
 Where am I ? 
 
 Sir Phil. Whereyoufhan'tbelong, I promife you.— Ouns, 
 'tis that beggarly Badge of Quality, Sir John Freeman \ 
 
 Sir John. Oh, my Jocajia ! 
 Let me hold thee thus, thus to my Bofom, 
 Ages let me hold thee ? {Runs and catches Sir Philip 
 
 in his Arms. 
 
 Sir 
 
77^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 333 
 
 Sir Phil. Murder, Murder ! S'Death ! the Rogue will 
 fqueeze my Guts out. 
 
 Enter Olivia. 
 
 Oliv, Blefs me ! What is the Matter, Sir Ha ! Sir 
 John J 
 
 Sir Phil, How you flare, Miflrefs ! — You did not know 
 that he was here ! — No, not you. — You was not to have 
 been an A(ftor in this Droll, I warrant. 
 
 Oliv, Not I, indeed, Sir. I heard you cry out, and 
 came to know the Caufe. 
 
 Enter Footmen. 
 
 \Ji Foot. What is the Matter, Sir ? 
 
 Sir Phil. ' ril tell you, Rafcals, by-and-by. 
 
 Sir Johji, Gentlemen, you are very welcome to flay and 
 fee the Play : but I muft beg it may be on the other fide 
 the Houfe. You'll crowd the Scenes fo much, that the 
 A6lors can't enter. 
 
 Sir Phil. The Adors ! What Adors, Sir ?— Ouns, do 
 
 you think I am to be droird out of my Daughter .^^ 1 
 
 thought I had forbid you my Houfe.^ 
 
 Sir John. Pifh, pifh ; you are out, Sir ; confoundedly 
 out — Hark ye ! did you ever rehearfe this Part, Sir.^ 
 
 Sir Phil. 'S'Death he'll make me mad ! — I fhall make 
 my Part good with you, I fancy. Fetch me a Conflable. 
 
 Sir John^ Out again ! — Conflable ! Why, there is not 
 fuch a Word in the whole Play. A Conflable ! Why, they 
 never heard of fuch a Thing in Thebes ! 
 
 Oliv. Alas, Sir ! don't you perceive his Brain is turn'd ? 
 
 Sir Phil. His Brain ! If he had had any Brains, he had 
 not lofl his Eflate. 
 
 Sir John. If I had had your Confcience, I fhould not. 
 
 lAfide. 
 
 Sir Phil. {Pulling off his Hat.) Sir, will you be pleas'd 
 to walk out of my Houfe. 
 
 Sir John, Look-ye, Sir, if you fludy your Part no bet- 
 ter, I'll forfeit you, by Jiipiter. — Hold, hold, hold ! Ad's- 
 Heart, Madam ! You entered too foon. — Oh, think of 
 fomething to defer this Marriage but for a Day. 
 
 {A fide to Olivia. 
 
 Sir Phil. What a Vengeance are you whifpering ! ha ? 
 Sir John. Why, was that your Cue now 1 If you don't 
 
 mind your Cues, you can never make an A6lor, Sir 
 
 Here, 
 
334 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Here, vSir ! here's a Woman for you, who never trod the 
 Stage before, yet Til be bold to fay, that fhe'll furprize 
 you. — Come ! hold up your Head, my Dear — Mind your 
 Bufmefs. — Enter boldly, and when you Exit^ Exit — nim- 
 bly — Thus {Exit, 
 
 Oliv. I wifh I could Exit with thee. \AfLde. 
 
 Sir Phil. Stark Mad ! This comes of flicking to Prin- 
 ciples ! I have known Principle fharve Five hundred 
 Fools ; but never knew it feed one wife Man yet. 
 
 Oliv. It will never flarve you, Fm fure. {Afide, 
 
 Sir Phil. Fm glad he's gone. ^Come, come, dry up 
 
 your Tears, and think of him no more. A Coach with 
 Six before, and Six behind, with a pretty Fellow in the 
 middle, will make Amends for Beggary and Madnefs. 
 Enter Ned Freeman. 
 
 Here's Mr. Freeman ! Leave your Snivelling, and mind 
 your Obedience, I command you. 
 
 Oliv. Souls know no Command, tho' Bodies do. 
 
 Ned. I deny that Pofition ! Fm all yours — in all and 
 ev'ry Part. 
 
 Command me, Madam, now ; and try your Pcufr. 
 
 Oli. It Jhall be then, to fee my Face no more. [Exit. 
 
 Ned. A very extraordinary Wife, Fm like to have, 
 truly ! — ^Very fmgular in her Manners, Faith ! 
 
 Sir Phil. Oh, never mind what a Woman fays or does 
 before Marriage. She'll be gentler after. 
 
 Ned. That's doubtful ; for I can't perceive her to have 
 the leafl Inclination for me. 
 
 Sir Phil. Pifh, pifh ; when you have been married a 
 Night or Two, you'll tell me another Story, Mr. Freeman. 
 — Her Mother was thus before hef. 
 
 Ned. I wifh it may prove fo, Sir Philip : 
 
 For who by Force the Courted Blifs receives, 
 
 N^er tajles that Joy the willing Yzh-On^ gives. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE Watchit's Houfe. 
 
 Watchit, folus. 
 Wat, ^ 7[ TAS ever Man fo cheated, chous'd, and cuck- 
 VV olded, aslam? By a Priefl too,a Pox of his 
 
 Sandity ! 
 
7)^^ ARTIFICE. 
 
 335 
 
 Sancflity ! Well, this was an admirable Contrivance. Little 
 did Ihe think who was her Ghoflly Father. Ah ! the 
 Wickednefs of this Age ! Ah ! Tim ! Tim, Watchit ! all 
 thy Care is vain. Zounds ! why did I grope for what I 
 fear'd to find ? I was but a Cuckold in Conceit before ! 
 now ev'ry Fool will hang his Hat upon my Horns ! Oh ; 
 that I had her in Spain ! I'd Spitch- cock her, like an Eel. 
 — But juft Revenge is counted Murder, in our Country ; 
 
 and a Man mufl be hang'd for doing himfelf Juflice. 
 
 The Priefl mufl be a Conjurer ! he muft have fome Charm 
 to make me fleep found ; or, he never cou'd have come 
 to Bed, and I not hear him. Nay, fhe fays ev'ry Door in 
 
 the Houfe flies open as foon as he approaches. 
 
 Thefe are fine holy Guides, truly ; no wonder there are fo 
 many Female Profelytes, when the Priefl:s take fo much 
 
 Pains to convert 'em. Which way fhall I be reveng'd 
 
 of this Cuckold-making Dog ? (Paufes.) — No, that won't 
 do. — Ay, it mufl be fo. — {Goes to the Scene, and calls, 
 Pud, Why Pud, where are you, Pudfey f 
 Enter Mrs, Watchit. 
 Mrs. Wat, Did you call. Snub ? 
 
 Wat, Snub ! How many Names mufl I have, ha 1 Snub \ 
 Pray who taught you that Name, Wife 1 
 
 Mrs. Wat, Taught me ! Why do you think I don't 
 know how to put three Letters together } 
 
 Wat. Ay, the Priefl has taught her the Art of Coup- 
 ling ! Pox take him for't. [AJlde, 
 
 Mrs. Wat, But what did you call me for ? 
 
 Wat, To tell you that fome Affairs oblige me to go out 
 of Town to Night ; and that you mufl not take it ill, if I 
 lock you into the Houfe, that Nobody may come in or 
 out, till I come back. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Ay, into my Chamber if you pleafe ; I begin 
 
 to relifh my Confinement very well But may it not be 
 
 dangerous to travel fo late ? 
 
 Mat. For her Ghoflly Father, it may, if I catch him. 
 {A/ide.) No, no, not at all. Go, get you to your Chamber, 
 Pud, Fll follow you ; perhaps I may take a Nap before I 
 go. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I wifh it might be your lafl. Lucy fhall 
 
 give Mr. Freeman Notice of this lucky Opportunity. [^Z^*^-^. 
 Well, as you pleafe, Snub : I'm all Obedience. {Exit, 
 
 Wat. 
 
336 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Wat. If you were, Snub, 1 fhould be too happy. Ah ! 
 She is a delicious Bit ! a tempting Morfel. Ah ! thefe 
 Priefls ! thefe pamper'd Priefls ! What would become of 
 good old EngliJ/i Property, had they once Footing here 
 again ? SMeath, what had I to do with Beauty ? What 
 Bufmefs had I for a Wife, a handfome Wife ? Of all Men 
 living Fm the mofl unqualify'd for a Hufband ! Hufbands 
 jfhouM be kind, fociable, courteous, gentle, loving, blind 
 Animals ? if they are fo bewitched to pitch on Beauty. 
 For He whoever weds a handfome Wife, 
 EngroJJes all the Plagues of hu7nan Life, [Exit. 
 
 SCENE changes to Mrs, Heedlefs'j' Houfe. 
 She enters on one Side, and Fainwell on the other. 
 
 Fain, Dud yow call, forfooth, Madam 1 
 
 Wid. Fy, fy, Jeffery, will you always be this flupid 
 Wretch, notwithftanding all the Pains I take with you ? 
 Is not Madam, as foon, and as eafily pronounced, as For- 
 footh 1 
 
 Fain. Ay, every whit, d^e zee, an I could but hit on't ; 
 but my Memory is fhort, and yow hare a-body zo, that 
 yow fright it out of one^s Head Madam. 
 
 Wid, Hare you, quotha ! I'm fure you craze me. You 
 behave yourfelf fo awkwardly before Strangers, they will 
 believe, perhaps, that I don't underfhand better. When 
 Fm alone, I don't care : Nay, fometimes your Blunders 
 conduce to my Pleafure. 
 
 Fain, I cou'd find a way more conducive to her Plea- 
 fure, if fhe'd give me leave. {Afcde, 
 Enter Judith and Sam. 
 
 yud. There's Miflrefs ; and yow mun gi't her yowrzelf ; 
 gi't her, an yow woL [Exit, 
 
 Sam. My Mafler, Madam, gives his humble Service to 
 you, andbegs the Favour of an Anfwer. {Gives her a Letter. 
 
 Wid. I admire your Mafler will give himfelf and me 
 this Trouble, when I have fo often affur'd him 'tis to no 
 Purpofe. [Opens the Letter, and looks over it. 
 
 Sam, Sure, I have feen your Face before, Brother. 
 
 Fain, Ma-hap, yow may, Friend, and ma-hap, yow 
 mayn't. 
 
 Sam, Ar'n't you Glouceflerfhire ? 
 
 Fain. Yes, I am. 1 won't deny my Country. 
 
 Saifi, 
 
Z^^T ARTIFICE. 
 
 Satn, Is not your Name Crmnplin? 
 
 Fain. Ay, marry, is it ; bemefs, I fhou'dknow yowtoo ! 
 
 Sa7n, Honefl: Jeffery Crmnplin ! Pm glad to fee thee. 
 
 [KiJ/es him. 
 
 Fain. P'fhaw ; I dan't like this fame flabbering Vafhion. 
 
 But, pray, what may one call yow ? I know you'r 
 
 Face. Ah. 
 
 Sam. My Face ! Why I can't be alter'd in Six or Seven 
 Years, fure ! my Name is Sly I 
 
 Fain. Odd fa' me ! Sam Sly \ gi'methy Hond, {Shakes 
 him by the Hand.) Well, an how ! an how have yow done, 
 Sam, e'er fen we us'd to break one another's Heads at 
 Cudgels, ha 1 They told me you was gon over Seas. 
 
 Sa7n. I han't been in England above Six Weeks. 
 
 Fain. Say you zo ! good lack ! Well, an have yow bin 
 in Gloucejlerjhire ? 
 
 Sam. Yes, I came from thence but t'other Day ; I live 
 with Mr. Worthy. 
 
 Fain. What, Mafler Worthy, of Worthy-Yi^^i ? 
 
 Sam. The fame. 
 
 Fain. Odd, yow had rare Luck, hark-ye, to light on 
 zo brave a Place. Well, and dud yow zee our Volk ? how 
 do Vather, and Mother, and Sillers ? Ha 
 
 Sam. All well, and brifk, Jeffery. 
 
 Fain. Odd, Mailer Wo7'thy is a main honefl Mon. 
 
 Sain. As lives by Bread, and as well belov'd. 
 
 Wid. Ha ! thefe two Fellows are acquainted, I find. 
 
 lAfide. 
 
 Sam. They would have my Mafler fet up for Parliament- 
 Man. 
 
 Fain. I wifh he were qualify'd for it. {A/ide.) An he 
 does I'm zure he'll carry't : An Mr. Worthy comes to rule 
 
 the Roafl, we fhall zee better Times, I'm perfuaded. 
 
 Well, befure I'm huge glad to zee yow, Sam. Where 
 
 may a Body zee yow fome Day to drink a Pot to all our 
 Friends in Gloucejlerjhire ? ha 1 I have zome there, I be- 
 lieve ; ha ? 
 
 SaJ7i. I'll call on you fome Evening, an fhew you were 
 I live. 
 
 Wid. Mr. Worthy writes me Word, that he is going to 
 Jamaica. It is only a Pretence, I fuppofe. I'll hear what 
 his Servant fays. {AJide.) Is your Mafler going to travel, 
 young Man .f* 
 
 VOL. III. P Sam, 
 
338 7)5^ ARTIFICE. 
 
 Sam, Not for his Pleafure, Madam 
 
 Wid, I did not fpeak of Pleafure ; I afk'd you, if he is 
 going abroad ? 
 
 Sa7n. It is in your Power to flop him, I believe, if he is, 
 Madam. 
 
 Wid. Still foreign to my Queftion 1 Can^t you anfwer 
 dire611y, Friend? 
 
 Sa7n. That depends fo intirely upon your Ladyfhip, 
 
 that it is impoffible to anfwer you dire6lly. 1 know he 
 
 has an Uncle dead in Jamaica^ that has left him Forty 
 Thoufand Pounds ; but I alfo know, he is fo much in love 
 with your Ladyfhip, that he does not care Forty Shillings 
 for't. 
 
 Wid, The Fellow's mad ! Not care for Forty Thoufand 
 Pounds ? Why, the fourth Part on't would purchafe a 
 Barony. 
 
 Faifi. If I had the fixth Part of it, Pm fure thou fhou'dfl 
 never purchafe' me. {A/lde.) What ! is that zame Uncle 
 dead, that came over once v»^ith a huge fight o' Blacka- 
 moors at's Tail ? 
 
 Sa?n, Ay, ay, Jeffery ! he's dead. 
 
 Fain, Is he zo ? He was mainly rich, chu'd zeem 1 
 
 Wid, You are mainly impertinent, chu'd feem. 
 
 Pray afk your Country-man here, if he puts in his Verdidl, 
 when his M after is talking ? — Pray tell Mr.. Worthy, that 
 I fliall be at home this Evening ; and he may, if he pleafes, 
 give me the Opportunity of wifliing him a good Voyage.- - 
 
 Fain, To the Ifland of Matrimony, or I fhall make but 
 a broken Voyage of it. {^Afide, 
 
 Sam, I fhall inform him. Madam. \Fxit, 
 
 Wid, How came you to know this Gentleman, Jeffery ? 
 
 Fain, Who, M after Worthy"^. Why, every Body knows 
 him in Gloucejlerffiire ; Vather has wwk'd for him, and the 
 old 'Squire, thefe twenty Year chu'd zeem. He's a fine 
 Man, and has no more Pride in him, than I have. He 
 
 keeps a topping Houfe. He has humming March Beer, 
 
 and deadly ftrong Cyder ; there's rare Doings at Cur/mas. 
 
 Wid. What Doings 1 
 
 Fain. Why, he keeps open Houfe for all Comxcrs. 
 Wid. He ought to be very rich ; whofe Oeconomy is fo 
 profufe. 
 
 Fai7i. Rich, Quotha ! Nouns, he knows no End of his 
 
 Means ; 
 
TAe ART IF ICE. 
 
 339 
 
 Means ; he has a mort of Land I I ha' feen a Hundred at 
 Dinner in the great Hall, one Plotigh- Monday ; all his own 
 Tenants ; and Mafler was fo familiar and fo merry wi' 'em, 
 and made 'em fo drunk ! Lord, what Work was there ! — 
 
 Wid. It was a beaftly Pleafure ; and no Sign of his Fru- 
 gality, whatever it may be of his good Nature. 
 
 Fain. Ah ! he is the fweeteft natur'd Man in the World. 
 Nobody ever faw him out of Humour, that ever I could 
 hear on : His Vather, indeed, wou'd bawl and make a 
 Noife, chu'd zeem ; but as for thick fame Gentleman, he's 
 quite another Thing ; he is fo good to the Poor, and fo 
 loving to his Neighbours ; that there's not a Man twenty 
 Miles round him, but w^ould run thro' Fire and Water for 
 
 him. He is counted a main wife Man too ; he makes 
 
 no more of a Lawyer, or a Juftice of the Peace, than, 
 
 than, than yow do of me. Madam. Nay, it's thought 
 
 by zome Volk, that he is fo deep learned, than an he 
 wou'd, he cou'd puzzle, even the Parfon o' the Parifh. 
 
 Wid. That maybe ; and be no Conjurer neither. He 
 fhall know what a Favourite he is of yours. 
 
 Fam. That he knows already. S^Afide. 
 
 Wid. You feem to know him perfectly well. 
 
 Fain. I wifh you knew him as v/ell— Madam ! 
 
 Wid. It is a pity he is not a Man of Quality ; thefe Quali- 
 fications, tho' I confefs they are very bright ones, fignify 
 nothing without a Title, Jeffery ! 
 
 Fain. I'm fure thy Vanity will never in title thee to the 
 Heart of any Man of Senfe. {Afide. 
 
 Wid. Go, get me fome Tea. 
 
 Fain. Did I not hope to command in my Turn ; I 
 fhou'd not obey fo readily. \Exit. 
 Enier Judith. 
 
 yud. There's a Lady below, that wants yow, flie fays, 
 Madam. 
 
 Wid. Bring her up. This mufl be the Lady, Sir 
 
 yohn mentioned. 
 
 Enter Louifa, witJi a Letter. 
 Lou. 'Tis from Olivia, Madam. 
 
 {Gives her the Letter, /he opens it, and reads. 
 
 Wid. You are welcome. Madam I'll wait on you to 
 
 that Apartment my Coufm mentions. It is impoffible Mr. 
 Freeman fhould know it to be any part of my Houfe, when 
 P 2 he 
 
340 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 he is brought in by the Back-door ; your own Servants 
 mufl attend ; Til give Orders that none of mine are feen 
 on that Side of the Houfe. 
 
 Lo7i, I am extremely obhged to you, Madam. I have 
 fent a Letter to Mr. Freeman^ and expedl his Return every 
 Moment. ril wait on you, Madam. 
 
 WicL Be pleas'd to walk this Way. {Exeunt, 
 
 SCENE draws, Louifa coming forwards, meets Flora. 
 
 Lou, Is Frederick come back, Flora ? 
 
 Flor, Yaw, ye Vrow, an he heb dat Letter gi brought. 
 
 {Gives her a Letter, Exit Flora. 
 
 Lou, What Pleafure once thefe Letters gave me ! 
 And with what Eagernefs I broke the Seals ! 
 Then kifs'd and dwelt upon each poifon^d, pleafmg Vow ! 
 And thought the Perjury all faithful Love. 
 But now ! 
 
 I fear to read ; fo much his Stile is alter'd ! 
 
 {Opens the Letter, a?id reads. 
 
 M A D A M, 
 
 /A M 710 1 7norefurpriz''d to hear you a7'e in England, tha7t 
 that you fo earneflly defire to fee 7ne before L am married. 
 But fence you pro7nife it fJiall be the lafi Trouble you^ II give 
 me of this Kifid, I defig7i to oblige and wait 07iyoiL i7n7ne- 
 diately^ to know your i77tporta7it Bufmefs. Ifitbeto iipbraid 
 me with Pafl Co7idu^,you 77iufl expetlbutafJio7't Vift,fro7n 
 Your humble Servant, Freeman. 
 
 Lou. Perfidious Man ; we'll may'fl thou not flay, 
 To hear thofe folemn Vows repeated 
 Which thou didft make fo falfely. 
 
 Enter Flora. 
 
 Flora. Here bin Minheer i^r^^;/^^//, yeVrow. 
 
 Lou. Shew him up. {Exit Flora. 
 
 Oh, my Heart ! Lie ftill, thou Flutterer ! 
 
 And aid me all the cunning Courage of my Sex ! 
 
 E7iter Freeman. Salutes her. 
 
 Lou. That cold Salute, is not like my Freema?i. 
 You was not wont to kifs me thus ! 
 
 Ned. Faith, Madam, I keep no Journal of my Pleafures ; 
 fo can't recollect how I us'd to behave myfelf. {walks about. 
 
 Lou. With what Indifference he regards me ! 
 Hold in Refentment. {Afde. Ned. 
 
The A R TI F I C E. 
 
 341 
 
 Ned. Pray, Madam, what brought you to England? 
 
 Lou, Do you afk ? Why I follow where you lead me. 
 Where fliould I be, but where my Hufband is ? 
 
 Ned. Hold, hold You'll fpoil my Marriage 
 
 Hufband ! Ha, ha, ha ! Don't you rave, Child ! 
 
 Lou. Have you forgot the Promifes you made me ? 
 
 Ned. No, nor v/hat you gave me in Return, neither, 
 my Dear. 
 
 Lou. Did not you love me, Freeman ? 
 
 Ned. Did 1 not give thee Proofs of it ? How does my 
 Boy do? Ha ! I think you muft lend him me for a Pat- 
 tern. You have heard 1 am going to be married, I find. 
 
 Lou, Yes — Fve heard fuch a News, but cannot think it 
 true. [ Weeps. 
 
 Ned. I can't help that. Nay, nay, nay, if you are at 
 that Sport, good bye t'ye. {Goings Jhe Jiops him. 
 
 LoiL You fliall not go. 
 
 Ned. Indeed but I fhall. Madam Pifh, prithee fhew 
 
 me none of your Tragedy-Airs. Let go my Coat. You 
 
 know, I hate to fee Women cry. To what purpofe are 
 
 thcfe Tears 1 thought I gave you a Caution of it in 
 
 my Letter. [Sirttggles to iiet fro7n her. 
 
 I^ou. O .do not flruggle to be gone, but hear me ; my 
 Tears will fall, but I'll flrive to fupprefs 'em. 
 
 Ned. Do f o ; for if you have anything to fay to me, 
 you mull deliver it in a more entertaining Manner, or I'm 
 
 your Humble Servant. Again ! Humph ! 1 imagin'd 
 
 how 'twould be S'Death ! what a Fool was I to come ; 
 
 I hate Upbraidings of this Nature. 
 
 Lou. I fent not for you to upbraid you. 
 I fee too well I've loft your Heart. 
 May fhe be happy who enjoys it now. 
 Yet fure your Pity's not extinguilhed too. 
 Not for my Sake, but for your Child's, I hope it ; 
 
 Who, if you relieve him not, muft perifh, 
 
 My Father, fome three Weeks ago, expir'd, 
 
 And left me but a Shilling to fupport m.e. 
 
 No Friend have we on Earth if you are not one, 
 
 Ned. Well ! and could not you have told me this with- 
 out whimpering ? — Pox o' the old Dog ! A Shilling ! — 
 What a Duce lhall I do with this Heifer and her Calf now ! 
 She comes very unlucky too at this Time. I( Olivia fhould 
 P 3 hear 
 
342 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 hear of her, my Bufmefs will be done there. {Afide.) Send 
 out your Maid, Louifa. 
 
 Lott. Leave the Room ; but when I call, do as I direct- 
 ed. {Ajlde.) S^Exit F'lora. 
 
 Ned. {Sitthigdown.) What do you pay forthefe Lodgings? 
 
 Lou. The People are related to a Friend of mine in Hol- 
 land^ from whom I brought a Letter. I believe they let no 
 Lodgings. I would not wilHngly trefpafs long upon them. 
 
 A^ed. Well, my Servant fliall take Lodgings for you. 
 {P tills her on his Knee ^ andkijfes her.) You foolifh Girl you, 
 to blubber and fpoil your Face at this Rate, when you have 
 nothing elfe to truft to ! {He wipes her Eyes}) — So, there! 
 Kifs me again, you Chit, you. — Fll take Care of you. I 
 have a Man in my Eye ; a Lord too, that is very fond 
 too, of your Country-women. 
 
 Lou. What means my Dearefl. \Rifes. 
 
 Ned. To get thee a good Settlement. A Lord^s Miftrefs 
 lives as great as his Wife, and is as much refpeCled in our 
 
 Country. And thou flialt be initiated, according to 
 
 Cuftom. 
 
 Lou. Monflrous, filthy CuHom ! 
 Indeed, my Freeman, 111 be only thine : 
 For after thee, I ne'er can love another. 
 
 Ned. Pifii, piih ; yes, yes, a Hundred, I warrant thee. — 
 
 Lou. Unkind, and cruel 1 Can I love 
 
 Ned. W^ell, well, as to Love, that's not effential to a 
 Miftrefs : Provided the Gallant has your Perfon, you may 
 difpofe as you think fit of your Inclination. 
 
 Lou. Sometimes to fee my Freeman^ s all I wifli. 
 
 Ned. Well, well, you fhall see me ; but we mufl manage 
 that Point with Prudence : There mufl be a Deeoru?n obfer- 
 ved at home. For if it fliould reach my Wife's Ear, it wou'd 
 prevent me feeing you at all.— Ah, Louifa ! I wifh the La- 
 dy I'm to marry, lov'd me as well as thou dofl. 
 
 Lore. I hope fhe does. 
 
 Ned. No, faith, fhe fays fhe hates me ; fo that, for ought 
 I know, thou'rt in as fair Way to be revenged of me. 
 
 Lou. I wifh it not, nor would I feek Revenge on thee, 
 more than on my own Heart. — Flora ! [fioes to the Scene, 
 a fid calls.) You mufl drink fomething with me. 
 
 Enter Flora, with two Glajfes of Wine on a Salver. 
 
 Lou. Come, here's to vour future Happinefs ! 
 
 Ned. 
 
77z^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Ned. ril pledge that generous Toad, and kifs thee for't. 
 Why this is as it fhould be now. {KiJ/es her.) If Wo- 
 men underftood their own Interefl, they'd find us lefs pre- 
 pared to refifl the Force of their good Humour, than all 
 
 the Artillery of Tears and Ranting ! Egad ! methinks 
 
 thou art as handfome now, as w^hen I firft enjoyed thee : 
 Lips as foft, and panting Bread as hard as ever ! — Oh, 
 you are a tempting Baggage ; {einbrachig her.) — What if 
 we fhould try to get a Girl to our Girl, Louifa ? 
 
 Lou. Wliat ! Sin-a-new, e^er we have repented of the pad? 
 
 Ned. Sin, you filly Jade ! Come, come, we'll repent once 
 for all, my Dear. {Pulling her. 
 
 Lou. It mufl be quickly then Or Life will be too 
 
 fhort to do it ! 
 
 Ned. What fay'ft thou ? 
 
 Lou. Forgive me, Freeman ! thou art poifoned. 
 
 {Falls on her Knees, 
 
 Ned. Ha ! Dye thou then, from whofe Hand I took 
 
 it ! {Draws and runs at Flora. 
 
 Flora. {Shrieking}) Ha! ickhabnit dat gedan,Mynheer. 
 [Louifa 7'ifes^ and rtms between the Alaid and hitn. 
 
 Lou. O fpare the Maid, who a6led by my Order, 
 And turn the Point on me the fole Aggreffor. 
 I had no other Way to keep thee mine. 
 
 Ned, Am I then caught ! poifon'd !— What ! Die the 
 Death of Rats ! — Confufion ! Murdered by my Whore ! 
 
 Lou. No, Fm thy Wife, thou vile Detradlor ! 
 
 Thou wou'dft have made me that detefted Thing ! 
 
 Shame on thy Proje6l to expofe thy Wife ! 
 
 Ned Wife ! Name that no more, I charge thee. 
 Left I forget thy Sex, and fpurn thee from me ! 
 
 Lou. Not name it ? Yes, I will, whilft living, name it. 
 Call Heaven to Mind, who witnefs'd to your Vows ; 
 By whom you fwore when hrft our Faiths were plighted. 
 It was by yon All-feeing Power above. 
 At whofe Tribunal we fhall foon appear. 
 Death fummons now our trembling Souls to Trial ; 
 Stript of Excufes, Cuftom, and Evafion, 
 This guilty Deed of mine will fall to thee. 
 There, there, our Marriage Contrail is recorded ! 
 There is a Judge from whom you can't appeal : 
 
 4 Your 
 
344 
 
 A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Your Jury can't be bribed to fave you : 
 Your cafling Witnefs is your broken Vows ! 
 
 Ned. Methinks her Words pierce like a Dagger, thro' me, 
 
 And more than ever, now I wifh to live 
 
 Repair thy Fault, and call Phyficians hither. \To Flora. 
 
 Lou. Call the kind Phyfician of the Soul, 
 Thy Body can receive no help from Art. 
 The Poifon is too flrong, t'admit of Antidotes. 
 
 Ned. Then Heav'n have mercy on my Soul. {^Kneels. 
 O my Louifa ! canft thou forgive me ^Rifes. 
 
 0 could Revenge, the blackefl Fiend in Hell, 
 Shroud itfelf beneath that AngeFs Form 
 
 Lou. Cairt not Revenge, but Love. Be Witnefs, 
 
 Heav'n. 
 
 1 drank the healing Draught, with greater, ftronger 
 Guft of Pleafure, than other take rich Cordials, 
 
 To lengthen fleeting Life, which I defpife. 
 Since in fair Fame I could not live thy Wife, 
 My only Wifh was, we might dye together. 
 Oh ! my Heart. 
 
 Ned. The Poifon works ! I feel it too in mine ! 
 Oh ! might I live to make thee Satisfadlion. 
 
 Lou. And wou'dfl thou do it .'^ wou'dfl thou marry me ? 
 
 Ned. As willingly as I did ever promife thee. 
 
 Lou. My Soul revives at thy returning Virtue, 
 
 Only to bear the Rack of deep Defpair 
 
 Nov/, now, I do repent the defperate Deed, 
 And wifh my Freeman^s Life a longer Date. 
 I fhould have trod the Paths of Death alone ! 
 
 But 'twill not be ! A few fhort Minutes hence 
 
 We both (hall be no more ! 
 
 Ned. Oh ! Shock of Nature ! Bitternefs of Thought ! 
 
 O ! whitlier am I going ? 
 
 Hafle 1 Let the holy Man be calFd ! 
 And 'tis mofh fit a Lawyer too be fent for. 
 
 Something I mufl adjufl before I go 
 
 And then, oh ! World, farewell ! 
 
 Lou. Hafte Flora, and obey. Exit Flora. 
 
 Aed. I feel a flrange Diforder in my Brain ! 
 My Heart beats fad too, and my Spirits flutter ! 
 My boiling Blood runs fwiftly thro' my Veins, 
 In hafte to man the lall Retreat of Life ! 
 Oh ! L^ouifa \ wou'd 1 had married thee Lou, 
 
ART I F ICE. 
 
 345 
 
 Lou. Do it now. 'Twill wipe off many Sins from thee. 
 
 When we appear in Mother World together 
 
 The virtuous A61 may plead my Pardon too, 
 
 If thou canft but forgive the Rafhnefs of my Love. 
 
 Again, upon my Knees I afk it. 
 
 Ned. As willingly as I would be forgiven. 
 A fudden Faintnefs feizes me all over : 
 I will be thine, if Life will lafl fo long, 
 
 L(m. Blefl Sound ! Come lean on me. 
 
 ril lead thee to my Bed. 
 
 Where we v/ill reft, and wait the holy Man. 
 
 J he Bridal ^^^^from whe7ice we both /Jiall ri/e, 
 Difrofd of Scandal^ to fubjtantial Joys. [Exeunt. 
 SCENE changes to Watchit'j* Houfe. 
 Mrs. Watchit in a Night-Drefs 07t a Couch. 
 Mrs. Wat. I wonder what carries my Hufband out of 
 Town fo late ! But no Matter, it gives me an Opportunity 
 to fee Freeman, who I know will be here as foon as Lucy 
 has given the Signal. — Ha ! fure I heard the Door go. 
 Enter Watchit. 
 Wat. I have unluckily forgot my Powder-horn ; and 
 how I fhali find it in the Dark, I can't tell — I don't care 
 to diflurb the Family for a Candle. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. He is here already — Oh, the dear impatient 
 Man ! — Blefs me, Lucy, why did you let him come fo 
 foon } I don't think your M after is got out of the Street 
 vet. 
 
 Wat. How's this ? [A/ide. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. And if he fhould take it into his Head to 
 come back, I fhould be terrible frighted. 
 
 Wat. Ounds ! I'm Thunder-flruck 1 this Dog of a Fry- 
 ar is here already ! and of Lucfs bringing. Oh ! the Jade ! 
 Ad's -heart ! I might have waited without Doors 'till 
 Dooms-day. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Diflra6lion ! What have I faid ? — It is my 
 Hufband's Voice ; what will become of me now ? S^Afide. 
 
 Wat. Here needs no Conjuration. My Turtle feems 
 willing enough to coo with him ; and is only afraid I 
 fhould return to fpoil the Sport. Oh the Strumpet ! But 
 let me hear what the Rogue anfwers. Which Way will 
 Ihe get off now, 1 wonder.^ [Afide. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I have no Pretence to get off, but by going 
 P 5 on. 
 
340 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 on. {AJlde.) Well, Lucy tells me you are the moR dextrous 
 
 Fellow at this Bufinefs. 
 
 Wat. Bufinefs 1 What are they come to Bufmefs, al- 
 ready ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I know not why ; but methinks, Fm half 
 afraid to venture on a Stranger. 
 
 Wat, A Stranger } What, then this is a new Rogue } — 
 Ounds ! I fhall be cuckolded by Church and State. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. How now 1 What do you mean ? You won't 
 come to Bed to me, fure 
 
 Wat. You'll take it very ill if he don't Ounds, I 
 
 han't Patience to hear it out. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. O Gemini! What do you do.'' How 
 
 dare you be fo rude 
 
 Wat. There's a Queflion to afk a Man that (he has 
 brought into her Bed-chamber. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. If my Hufband ftiould come. 
 
 Wat. As he really is 
 
 Mrs. Wat. If he fhould catch you 
 
 Wat. As he mofl furely v/ill Thou Sorcerefs. 
 
 Mrs. Wat, Nay, nay ; indeed, and indeed, but I won't. 
 
 Wat. Indeed, and indeed, but you will. This is a 
 
 thorough-pac'd Cuckold-making Dog I How foftly the 
 
 Villain whifpers ! — I can't hear one Word he fays. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. What gave you the Affurance to imagine I'd 
 cuckold my Hufband, v/ho is the befl of Hufbands } 
 
 Wat. That's a Lye. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Let me go, will you I protefl I'll cry out. 
 Wat. That's another Lye. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Nay ; Lord ! Pifh ; don't— Fy !— What do 
 you do ? [Speaks as if JJte was Jlruggling with fomebody. 
 
 Wat. 'S'Death ! I fhall fland and hear myfelf cuckolded ! 
 — A Light ! a light, there ! Thieves, Thieves ! A Light, a 
 Light ! [She rifes hajiily. He pulls out a Fijtol. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Ah, Heavens I What Noife is that Why, 
 Lucy, Lucy I Thieves, Thieves ! A Light, a Light ! {She 
 gropes about, and lays hold on his Fijlol.) Thieves ! — Ah, 
 a Piftol ! Murder, Murder ! Oh favemy Life, and I'll lead 
 you to all the Money, Plate, and Jewels in the Houfe. 
 Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Enter Lucy with a Light. 
 Mrs. Wat. Mttinps ! Oh, fave me, lave me ! 
 
 [Flies about his Neck. Wat. 
 
77/^ ARTIFICE. 
 
 347 
 
 Wat. Off, thou foul Adultrefs ! Don't think to fmuggle 
 me, 'till your leud Paramour efcapes. 
 
 [Snatches the Candle, a7id looks about. 
 
 Lucy. Blefs me, Madam ! Mafler looks as if he would 
 eat a-body ! What was all this Outcry for? 
 
 Mrs Wat. Til tell you anon. fide to Lucy. 
 
 Wat. Where have you hid this Rogue of your providing, 
 Huffey? Ha? 
 
 Lucy, Of my providing? what do you mean, Sir? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Nay, nay, don't ftand prating ; but call up 
 
 the Servants to affifi your Mafler. Don't, dear Minjtps, 
 
 don't be too venturefome. The Thieves have Piflols, and 
 may kill thee. 
 
 Wat. May they fo ! A Pox o' your Sneer — Now does 
 fhe look as if fhe knew one Word of the Matter. 
 
 Mrs. VI at. I hope to prevent your knowing one Word 
 of the Matter, that's my Comfort. [A/cde. 
 
 Lucy. Why, what fliould Ihe know. Sir ? 
 
 Wat. Go look, Mrs. Pander. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Vm fure, I know nothing, but that I was 
 wak'd with the Cry of Thieves, Thieves ! If it was a falfe 
 Alarm, fo much the better : It did me Service, however, 
 for it wak'd me out of a Dream, that frighted me as bad 
 as the Noire did. 
 
 Wat. A Dream ! Why, what was you dreaming on, 
 pray ? 
 
 IVIrs. Wat. Vsfhy, methought Lucy had brought me a 
 Corn-cutter, a great, fat, clumfy, black Fellow ; but the 
 moft dextrous Fellow in the World, fhe told me, at that 
 Bufmefs. 
 
 Wat. {A/ide.) Ha ! I rem.ember dextrous was one of 
 the Words fhe fpoke. Perhaps it might be nothing but a 
 Dream. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. And the impudent ugly Villain, methought, 
 would have come to bed to me. I was flruggling with 
 him in my Sleep, and vowed I'd cry out jufl as the Noife 
 wak'd me. 
 
 Wat. Say'fl thou fo, Ptcd / And was all this fplutter 
 
 about a Corn-cutter 1 Why then, to tell thee the Truth, 
 
 thou didft cry out, and I thinking Thieves were got into 
 the Houfe, cry'd out too ; for I never dream't of thy talk- 
 ing in thy vSleep, Child. 1 don't remember ever to have 
 
 heard thee before. P 6 Lucy. 
 
348 
 
 TAe ART IF ICE. 
 
 Lucy. So have I, an hundred Times ; but you fnore fo 
 
 loud, that nobody's Noife can be heard but your own. 
 
 This Corn-cutter has put the Corn-maker out of his Head. 
 I fmell the Plot already. {^Afide. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {Afide) It takes, as I could wifh But 
 
 where was Freejnan, Lucy 
 
 Lucy, Gone out, Madam. \Aftde. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {Afcde) Twas lucky that he was Ah ! 
 
 Mumps ! I know what you thought. 
 
 Lncy. Ay, Madam, he thought you had got a Gallant 
 through the Key-hole. Had I a Hufband of Mafter's 
 Temper, Td fit him, I warrant him. He fliould not be 
 jealous of me for nothing. 
 
 Wat, That I dare fwear. 
 
 Lucy. As you are of my Lady. She has a comfortable 
 Life, has (he not To have you vex and teaze, and break 
 her Reft for nothing. 
 
 Wat, Take care I don't break your Head for fomething. 
 
 Lucy. I care not if you do. I will fpeak. You could 
 
 not ufe my Lady worfe, if fiie had cuckolded you. 
 
 You are like Ibme litigious Farmers, who pound their 
 Neighbours Cattle for a Trefpafs, tho' they have more 
 Ground than they can flock themfelves. 
 
 Wat. Huffey I You have Stock for the whole Parifh ! 
 
 Get out of my Sight, or Fll break your Neck down 
 
 Stairs. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Excellent Wench ! {A/ide.) Fy, Lucy, how 
 you talk to your Mafler I affure you I fhall difcharge you 
 my Service, if you don't behave yourfelf better. 
 
 Lucy. I fhall get another, I hope, if you do Don't 
 think Fll be fufpedled of procuring Gallants for you 1 Did 
 
 he not afk where the Rogue was of my procuring I'll 
 
 bring my Adlion againfl you for Scandal. I have nothing 
 but my Reputation to live by. Take that from me, and 
 you take all. If he's your Hufband, Madam, he's not mine. 
 
 [Bur/is into Tears. 
 
 Wat. No, thank Heaven, I have enough of one of you. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Leave the Room, I fay. 
 
 Lucy. It's for, for, your Sake — or, or — I'd tear his Eyes 
 out ! {Sobs.) Take away 7ny Reputation ! [Exit. 
 
 Wat. Oh ! the wondrous Reputation of a Chamber- 
 maid ! — This Slut has flrangely provok'd me. I wifh I 
 were rid of her. [AJide. Mrs. 
 
77^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 349 
 
 Mrs. Wat. (A/ide,) I wifh I knew what brought him 
 back ; and if he intends to go again. 
 
 Wat. {Afide.) Ah ! that the Hufband of that charming 
 Woman fhould be cornuted by a Prieft ! 
 
 Mrs. Wat. {Aftde.) What would I give to be rid of his 
 Company ? Yet I dare not afk him, how he defigns to 
 difpofe of himfelf, for my Soul. 
 
 Wat. What art thou thinking of, Pudsey f 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Of your Unkindnefs, Mumps I To pretend 
 Bufmefs out of Town, and leave me ftarving in Bed by 
 myfelf. Fm fure if you lov^d m^^, you would not let Bufi- 
 nefs take you from my Arms. Indeed, indeed, you would 
 not, Mtunpfey. \In a wheedling Tone. 
 
 Wat. Ah ! thofe pretty Pouters ! I mufl: kifs them, thou 
 coaxing Pug thou : {Kijfes her.) Dofl thou really love 
 thine own Mimipy 1 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Naughty Mtwips \ is that a Queflion now ! 
 Han^t I given you all the Signs of it 1 Don't I lie clofe to 
 your Back t and warm your Feet every Night in my Lap 
 And creep gently out o' Bed in the Morning, without 
 waking you 1 Don't I ? Can you deny all this, Mit77zps ? 
 
 Wat. No, nor I won't deny it, Pnd/ey. And I hope 
 you'll allow me fome Merit in my Turn, Pudfey. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Nay, Mumps, I fcorn to derogate from your 
 Merit. I mufl confefs, you never do any thing to break 
 
 my Refl, but when you are fo naughty to leave me 
 
 For then I do fo tumble, and tofs — and dream — and am 
 
 fo terribly frightened — as I was now, you know Well, I 
 
 proteft you fhan't go out again to Night ! — If you do, I 
 won't love you again thefe three Days ; fo I won't. 
 
 \Pats him on the Cheek. 
 
 Wat. Thou handfome Creature ! Oh ! 'twas that be- 
 witching Leer, that fnapt my Heart.— — What has (he in 
 her Head now — I never knew her in this wheedling Hu- 
 mour, but fhe had fome Defign. {A/cde.) — Well, Pudfey, 
 what is this begging Face put on for ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. That's a fecret pafl your finding out. S^Afide, 
 
 Wat. What can I do to pleafe my Pudfey 1 
 
 Mrs. Wat. E'en very httle, truly. (^Afide)—\ could tell 
 you, Mwnpy ; but may be, you won't do it. 
 
 Wat. But may be I will do it. a fond To?ie. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Won't you go out no more to Night, then ? 
 
 But 
 
350 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 But fay your Prayers, and go to Bed, and fnore like any 
 little Pig in y owr Pimiiys Bofey? 
 
 Wat. {Afide.) Humph ! Now is flie afraid of herghoflly 
 Father. She certainly fmokes my Dcfign — On my Confci- 
 ence, (he's in Love with him — I warrant, he's a flrapping 
 young Dog Ounds ! if I can but light of him? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. What is he pondering on ? Pray Heaven he 
 does not take me at my Word, and flay at home in Complai- 
 fance. {A/uie.) — What, won't you anfwer me, Mtimpsl 
 
 Wat. Why Ptidfey^ thy Kindnefs fo confounds me, that 
 I know not what to anfwer thee — I am loth to difpleafe 
 thee, and yet I mufl leave thee infLanti}^ 
 
 yVx^. 'Wat. {Afide.) Little docs he think, that 'tis the 
 only Thing he can do to pleafe me. I hope Freeman is 
 come home by this Time. 
 
 Wat. I only come back for my Powder-horn ; that's all. 
 Pud \ but Pll make all poffible hafte back, I will indeed, 
 Pud/ey, to make thee eaiy. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Or otherwife. {Afide.) Well if it muft be fo 
 {Jighing) I muft be content, and make my felf as happy as 
 I can without you. Mumps. [lit a vielancJioly Tone. 
 
 Wat. Ay, ay, I won't be long from thee ; go, prithee, 
 get me a Dram, I'll but take my Powder-horn, and follow 
 
 thee [Enter Mrs. Watchit. 
 
 Watchit>^.x 
 
 I know not what to think. Sometimes I think fhe loves 
 me — and fometimes I think fhe does not. And if Father 
 Do7nine comes within the Reach of my Blunderbufs, have 
 at him : If not, fhe fhall produce him : I'll confront her 
 by her own Confeffion. If I once get him in my Power, 
 I'll turn his own Inquifition\x^oT\.\\\m. His Church ne'er 
 tortur'd Heretick, as I will him. 
 /'// teach him to keep Handmaids of his own, 
 And let his honefi Neighbours \Vives alone. [Exit. 
 
 ACT V . 
 
 SCENE Mrs. Heedlefs'^ Houfe. 
 Heedlefs, Sola. 
 Wid. T AM ftrangely divided between Inclination and 
 1 Grarrdeur. I confefs, I like Mr. orthfs Perfon 
 
 better 
 
TAe ARTIFICE. 
 
 351 
 
 better than my Lord^s ; but marry him, and I fhall be calM 
 plain Mrs. Worthy: Then, where's the Diflinction between 
 me and my Brother's Wife : And who in their Senfes 
 would part with twenty thoufand Pounds, to be nothing 
 but what one was before ? My Lord can make me a Wo- 
 man of Quality, and intitle me to treat all below me with 
 
 Contempt. That carries a valuable Confideration 
 
 Methinks, there is an Air in the very Footman of a Wo- 
 man of Quality. He approaches with fuch profound Sub- 
 
 miffion ! And in a Tonefofoft Did your LadyJJdp call, 
 
 Madam ? Whereas, now, my blundering Rafcals come 
 trotting up to my Nofe, with a Dudyoitwant me, Foi^footh ? 
 
 Ha ! Lord Pharaoh-Ba7ik, 
 
 Enter Tally. 
 
 Tally. I hope you'll pardon this abrupt Intrufion, Ma- 
 dam. It is intirely chargeable on the Impatience of my 
 Love. Command my Abfence, I befeech you, if I break 
 in upon your more diverting Thoughts. 
 
 Wid. I had no Amufements, my Lord, but what ought 
 to give way to better Company. 
 
 Tally. You dome a particular Honour in that Diflindlion. 
 
 Wid. If I had not fome Skill in the Choice of my Ac- 
 quaintance, I fhould be flifled with Impertinence. The 
 firft Leffon I teach my Servants, is, to diftinguifh between 
 Perfons of Rank, and the Drofs of Human- kind. I am 
 pleas'd to find my Inflrudlions are not loft upon' em, by ad- 
 mitting one of your Lord fhip's Figure upon fuch eafy Terms. 
 
 Tally. Such an Approbation from a Lady of your good 
 Tafte, cannot fail of infpiring me with a better Opinion of 
 myfelf, and a Confidence of my not being unwelcome to 
 my dear Widov/. {Kijfes her.) She kiffes fofter than a 
 fouthern Wind ! 
 
 Wid. Pugh ! I hate tobe complimented with Fragments 
 of another's W^it, my Lord. It argues a Decay of Charms 
 in the Perfon you addrefs. 
 
 Fainwell peeping. 
 
 Tally. I own it is a Fault, Madam. Your Ladyfhip has 
 Beauty enough to infpire the dulleft Genius with fomething 
 new. 
 
 Fain. {Afide.) You mean, fhe has Money enough to 
 infpire you with Impudence. 
 
 Tally. Apollo and the Mufes dwell upon thefe Lips. 
 Another Kifs, and I (hall be Wid. 
 
352 
 
 T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Wid. A Poet. 
 
 7 ally. Whatever you would have me. \KiJ/es her. 
 
 Wid. Say you fo, my Lord ? I have an odd Whim come 
 into my Head — Will you give me a Proof of my Power, 
 my Lord ? I want an Elegy. 
 
 Tally. On a departed Monkey, or a favourite Kitten, I 
 prefume. 
 
 Wid. No, upon a living Subjedl. 
 
 Fain. {AJlde.) A pretty new Invention, to bury People 
 before they are dead. 
 
 Tally. Aliving Subjedl ! An Elegy upon a living Subjecfl ! 
 
 Wid. You are not infpir'd yet, I find, my Lord. I mean, 
 a Chara6lerifiick of human Life ; dead, and yet exifling. 
 
 Fain. {A/ide.) Myflery ! 
 
 Tally. Popery, downright Popery ! May the Genius of 
 
 ^;2^/<^;/^/defendus. Letmefee! What deadFolkshave 
 
 we among the Living? There's a difbanded Officer — 
 
 An old Beau — A broken Tradefman — A degraded Par- 
 fon— A Quofidain South-Sea Diredlor — An Eunuch — An, 
 an, an old Maid. 
 
 Wid. You have hit it, my Lord. 
 
 Tally. Then crown my Succefs with another Draught of 
 Ne6lar. ^Kiffes her. 
 
 Fain. {A/cde.) How warmly the Rogue kiffes ! He 
 makes Love with as much Affurance, as if he had two 
 Bottles of Burgundy in his Belly, and a real Title to fup- 
 port his Impudence. 
 
 Wid. I proteft, one Ihou'd take your Lordfliip for a Sol- 
 dier ; for you attack a Woman, as they do a fortify'd Town. 
 
 Tally. Love and War agree in every Point, my dear 
 Widow ; the Blockade of a Town refembles an obflinate 
 Woman, and a phlegmatic Lover, who refolves to v/eary 
 her into Compliance. A Kifs now and then from a diffident 
 Lover, is like ftealing a March, and furprizing the Enemy, 
 by a circumfpe61 General. But eager and repeated Kiffes, 
 are, like Storming, more glorious to the Affaiiant. 
 
 \_Einbracing and kijjlng her in a Rapture. 
 
 Fain. {Afcde.) Thefe Rogues happen intogood Company 
 fometimes, one may know by their Gleanings of Wit. 
 
 Wid. Oh gad, my Lord, what do you mean, by ruffling 
 one at this Rate ? 
 
 Tally. Judge my Meaning, by the Quicknefs ofmy Pulfe, 
 
 the 
 
The ARTIFICE. 
 
 353 
 
 the Throbbing of my Heart, and Trembling of my Limbs ! 
 The unqueflionable Proofs of Love, and eager Wifhes for 
 
 Poffeffion Come, come ! Thou art no Stranger to a 
 
 Lover's Meaning ! — My Life, my Soul ! Let us improve 
 this Dawn of Pleafure. {Embracing hef . 
 
 Wid, As how, my Lord ? 
 
 Fain, {AJide.) Sure fhe wou'd not have him tell her in 
 plain Terms. 
 
 Tally. P'fhaw ! for a Woman of thy Experience to afk 
 that Quesflion ! — Come, come, the Sight of the Bed- 
 chamber will refrefh thy Memory. [^Pulling her, 
 
 Wid, Pifh ? — Nay, fy — Be civil, my Lord. 
 
 {Seems to ftruggle. 
 
 Fain, {AJlde.) Humph ! — If it come to pijh and fy al- 
 ready, another Volley of Kiffes, and fhe furrenders at Dif- 
 cretion. 
 
 Tally. Nay, ftruggling is your Sex's Privilege. You 
 wifely know Refiflance but inflames Defire. 
 
 Wid. I protefl, Fll cry out, my Lord. 
 
 Tally. With all my Heart. Your Servants know their 
 
 Duty better than to come, if you do. Honeft Jeffery 
 
 has taken care of that. {Afcde. 
 
 Fain. How fecure the Rogue thinks himfelf ! {Afide. 
 
 Tally. I will pofitively enjoy thee this Night — Honou- 
 rably, if you pleafe. 
 
 Wid. Or not at all, my Lord, if you were the firft Man 
 of Quality in England \ 
 
 Tally. Send for the Parfon this Minute then. 
 
 [Kiffes her again. 
 
 Wid. Oh Gad ! You flop one's Breath You are the 
 
 mofl impatient Man ! 
 
 Tally. Impatient, quotha ! Who can behold thefe dear 
 Eyes without Impatience for the Bleffmg ? 
 
 Wid. Well, my Lord, let us fign Articles : — And then— 
 
 Tally. I'll give thee a Chart e- Blanche. Make thy own 
 Terms ; fo that I may this Night take Poffeffion of thefe 
 Arms. 
 
 Wid. Well, fmce your Lordfliip will have it fo 
 
 Fain. Nay, you mou'not go in, an yow were ten Mafler 
 Worthefs — {In Jeffery'j Voice.) (Fainwell within, in his 
 own Voiced} I tell you, I had your Lady's Commands to 
 wait on her, and mufl, and will go in : So, fweet Mr. Jef- 
 fery Crumpling by your Leave. 
 
 23 VOL. III. Fain. 
 
354 
 
 7)5^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Fainwell rujhes in, in his own Drefs. 
 
 Wid, Oh Gad ! that's Mr. Worthy's Voice ! What can he 
 
 think, when he fees one ruffled in this Manner ! Fm 
 
 furpriz'd Did not I hear my Clod-hopper's Voice, in 
 
 a refifling Tone, Mr. Worthy ? 
 
 Fain. I was fo far out of my Countryman's good Graces, 
 that he would neither bring in my Name, nor permit me 
 to enter. 
 
 Tally, {Afide.) That was in Favour of me. Jeffery is a 
 
 Man of Honour, I find But who's this Mr. Worthy 
 
 Difappointment catch him, for coming fo Mai a-propos, 
 
 Wid. That Fellow the mofl impenetrable Sot ! — Why 
 did not you break his Head, Mr. Worthy ? 
 
 Fain. That's a Liberty, Madam, no Man ought to take 
 in your Houfe, 'till you have made him M after of it — Were 
 I that happy Perfon {Takes hold of her Hand. 
 
 Tally. {Stepping in between them.) You'd kick every-bo- 
 dy out of it, I fuppofe ? 
 
 Fain. That gave me juft Provocation, Sir. 
 
 {Steps in between. 
 
 Wid. If they fhould quarrel now ! — Mr. Worthy^ pray 
 
 let me fpeak a Word with you Do you know who this 
 
 Gentleman is ? 
 
 Fain. Very well. Madam. 
 
 Tally. Then if you know me, you know your Diftance. 
 
 {Steps between again. 
 
 Fain. So well. Sir, {goes between 'em) that were you not 
 protedled by this Lady's Prefence, there ftiould be juft the 
 Diftance from hence to the Street between us. 
 
 Tally. How Sir 1 {Stepping up to him. 
 
 Fain. Through the Window, Sir. {Pu/hes him away. 
 
 Tally. You dare not talk thus elfewhere. 
 
 Fain. You dare not give me an Opportunity. {In his Ear. 
 
 Wid. Dear Mr. Worthy, for your own Sake, confider 
 what you do — He is a Man of Quality ; and for ought I 
 know, a Privy- Counfellor {Afide to Fainwell. 
 
 Fain. To nothing above a Gang of Pickpockets, Pll 
 anfwer for him. Hark ye, Tally ; how long have you 
 worn this Surtout of Honour, I befeech you 1 In what 
 Reign were you created a Baron, pray 
 
 Tally, Humph ! He knows me, I find — My Bufmefs is 
 done here, 
 
 Wid. 
 
T:^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 355 
 
 Wtd, My Stars ! Is he not a Man of Quality? 
 
 Fain, Yes, yes, Madam, Fll give you his Titles in a 
 
 very few Words. He is a Baron of Fair-Chance and Vif- 
 
 count of all the Pharoah-Tables'vsx and about London, He 
 has a Pack of Cards for his Coat of Arms, quartered with 
 Knaves ; and falfe Dice, in a Field of Impudence. — His 
 Crefl is a Fool ; his Supporters are Parolie Traitla va. 
 
 Tally, {A/ide.) The Rogue has blazon'd me ! — But I 
 
 mufl carry it off as well as I can. 1 hope you'll prove 
 
 this Sir, 
 
 Fain, Oh ! inflantly, Sir. Sam I 
 
 Enter Sam. 
 Fain, Call a Conflable. 
 
 Wid, Not for the World. I beg I may have no more 
 Buftle in my Houfe. 
 Fain, You underfland me. [ Whifpers to Sam. 
 
 Sam, Perfe6lly well. Will your Lordfhip pleafe to 
 
 walk this Way What think you, my Lord, of a Pot 
 
 of Porter, to drink to our better Acquaintance 1 
 
 [In a /creaming tone. 
 
 Tally, A Pox of Ill-luck ! 1 may find a Time, Sir — 
 
 \Exit, with Sam, 
 
 Fain, Not to cheat me of my Money Sir, Ha, 
 
 ha, ha ! 
 
 Wid, I hope you are not miflaken in the Man, Mr. 
 Worthy. 
 
 Fain, Fm glad You were not, Madam. 
 
 Wid, Which is intirely owing to your timely Difcovery, 
 or I had been undone. 
 
 Fain, For which, give me leave to fay, you might have 
 thank'd your own Vanity. Nothing but a Lord wou'd go 
 down ! — I admire, a Woman of your Difcretion, and a Wi- 
 dow too ! should prefer empty Title to real Pleafure, and 
 mere Shadow to conjugal Affedlion. {Embracing her. 
 
 Wid. A Fiddle of Affedion, Mr. Worthy ; I tell you, I 
 have been lac'd very tight once in my Life ; but having 
 made my Fortune, and got my Liberty, if ever I try again 
 the Matrimonial Bodice, the Lace fhall be tagged with a 
 Title, I affure you. 
 
 Faifz. Ah ! that will make a Noife in the World ; but 
 your Pleafure, like a Squib, will vanifh in the Bounce, ha, 
 ha, ha ! — To give Twenty Thoufand Pounds for the bare 
 
 Name 
 
356 r>^^ ARTIFICE. 
 
 Name of my Lord's Lady, whilfl Ten to One, but your 
 Chamber-maid fupplies your Ladyfhip's Place in his Arms, 
 aud rattle about Streets in her Berlin, fupported out of 
 your Ladyfhip's Fortune. 
 
 Wid, You feem well acquainted with the Map of this 
 World. 
 
 Fain. Perfecflly, Madam ; and have made this Obferva- 
 tion, That Women who love to indulge their Vanity, and 
 yet hope for their Dividend of Pleafures, are a6ling as in- 
 confiflent a Part, as they who give a Loofe to their Fancy, 
 and at the fame Time think to preferve their Reputation. 
 
 1 tell you. Madam, a Man of Quality will no more 
 
 throw all his Love upon a Wife, than a Farmer will fow 
 all his Land with the fame Grain. The only Way to en- 
 grofs your Joys is to marry one of us Country-Gentlemen. 
 
 Wid. To be rivaled by March-Beer, Tobacco, and Fox- 
 hounds, 
 
 Fai7t. Even thofe are preferable to Cards, Dice, and a 
 Wench, as you wou'd have experienced had not I come in. 
 
 Wid. So ! now v/ill he value himfelf upon my Deliver- 
 ance. {A/ide.) — Well, well, Mr. Worthy, fmce this Fel- 
 low proves a mere Plebian, he is a worthlefs Rafcal ; but 
 if he had really been a Lord, what is now Impudence, 
 wou'd only have been Violence of his Love. 
 
 Fain. Humph ! a very pretty Diflin(ftion I No, Ma- 
 dam, I deny that Pofition- Love is foft and gentle, as 
 
 the Morning- Sun in Autumn, mellowing Inclination by 
 Degrees ; but its Twin-Brother, like a Foot-Pad, knocks 
 you down, and rifles you at once. — He was impatient for 
 
 your Money only. Widow. /, for this dear Perfon. — 
 
 Now, why can't you like me as well as a Lord 1 
 
 Wid. Like you ! For what.^* 
 
 Fai7i For what ! Why, for an unalterable, faithful, con- 
 flant, doating 
 
 Wid. Hold, hold. Sir. Your Epithets are running a- 
 way with your Meaning. — But to prevent your explaining 
 it, I mufl tell you, that the very Name of Matrimony 
 with a Commoner, will flatten our Converfation, and make 
 us look very Ample. 
 
 Fain. Ay ! but there is fomething fo exprefflve in that 
 Simplicity, that it gives a deeper Impreffion than all the 
 Gildings of RhetOrick. Ah ! my dear Widow, wou'd you 
 
 but 
 
The ARTIFICE. 
 
 357 
 
 but return my Love, how many Cupids fhou'd I behold 
 dancing in thefe Eyes ! Nay, and you fhou^d fee flrange 
 Things before Morning. 
 
 Wid. Sha ! you talk foolifhly. 
 
 Fain. That's inherent to a Lover. 
 
 Wid, And fo you'd have me a Fool too, to keep you in 
 Countenance. A very wife Foundation for the Fabrick of 
 
 Matrimony. No, no, I tell you once for all, though 
 
 I do like your Person, you and I mufl never be conjur'd 
 into the Circle of a Wedding-Ring. 
 
 Fain. And no other Circle will do my Bufmefs. FU 
 
 try if fhe has really a Liking for my Perfon. \Afi,de, 
 
 Wid. Well ! what, have I put you in the Dumps, now ? 
 Are you confidering what Death will revenge you of an 
 ungrateful Miftrefs Ha, ha ! 
 
 Fain. No, Faith, Madam ; Fll live to be reveng'd, and 
 balk your Vanity 
 
 Then farewell Love^ 
 
 Farewell Love, and all /oft Pleafure, 
 Ho7iour calls ^andweimifl part. \Si7igsinacarelefs Alanner, 
 
 Wid. You are the merrieft Lover at parting ! 
 
 Fain. I am of Ben^s Mind, Madam ; refolve to be merry, 
 though the Ship were fmking. And fmce I mufl never 
 hope to call you mine, I here difmifs all the Retinue of a 
 formal Lover. Such as Vows, Ogles, Sighs, Dreams, Vi- 
 fions. Sonnets, Gingles, Epigrams, Couplets, with a long 
 &^c. — Thus, with infinite Struggles, I hope to entertain as 
 mean an Opinion of Matrimony, as your Ladyfhip, in a 
 very little Time. 
 
 Wid , Oh ! that he had a Title to fupport this Humour ; 
 he fhou'd find, I have no mean Opinion of Matrimony. 
 
 [A/ide, 
 
 Fain. And, for the future, fhall look upon the Parfon's 
 Patchwork, like a Pilgrimage to Mecca., or Jerusalem, fit 
 only for the Superflitious, and People who have periodical 
 Inclinations, to fill up the Vacancies of human Life with 
 a huge Caravan of Children ; a long Journey ; dirty Road ; 
 through the Turnpikes of Jealoufy, Anxiety, Sufpicion. 
 Animofity, pinching Cares, and a Thoufand other Incon- 
 veniencies. — By the way, you have travelled the Stage, 
 and, I fuppofe, know what I fay to be true. 
 
 Wid. Ha ! All is not right within this Breafl. I 
 
 begin 
 
358 
 
 m ARTIFICE. 
 
 begin to perceive his Indifference gives me Pain. {^Afide, 
 
 Fain. I fancy the only Objedl to give one a Surfeit of 
 Matrimony, wou'd be to fee a Pair of diftemper'd Crea- 
 tures in the Corner of a Room, in clofe Confpiracy to de- 
 ceive one another ; very fmcerely promifmg mutual Love 
 for Fifty Years enfuing ; when, upon Trial, a Month^s 
 Fruition makes either a Caterwauling Correfpondence, or 
 
 a more peaceable and elegant Way of feparate Beds. 
 
 She feems nettled, I'll proceed. {A/ide.) With this 
 
 Thought I comfort myfelf : And here, Madam, bid Ma- 
 trimony and you eternally. Farewell. Whowou^dbe let 
 
 for Life. \_Sings and hums that Tune. 
 
 Wid. Eternally ! 1 wifh I had never feen this Fel- 
 low. Lord, how my Heart fmks. {Afide. 
 
 Fain. Come all ye Winds ^ come all away, 
 A7id brifkly in our Canvafs play ; 
 Waft me gently o'er the Main ; 
 Farewell^ Widow ! Farewell^ Pain ! 
 Lara, dera, lara, dera, lal, lal, la \ 
 [In the Tune of Over the Hills and far away. 
 
 Wid. You are exceeding gay, Sir. 
 
 Fain, Tous jour Gay, as the French fay. I always meet 
 
 the Frowns of Fortune thus. The Jade may jilt, but 
 
 never inflave me. But, to be ferious, To-morrow, 
 
 Madam, I embark for the Indies. It will be a fecret Plea- 
 fure to me, if you'll permit this Paper Room in your Ca- 
 binet. It is my laft Will and Teflament. If I mifcarry 
 in the Voyage, that will intitle you to Forty thoufand 
 Pounds, my Uncle's Death inrich'd me with in Jamaica ; 
 whither I am bound. This is a Proof of my Efteem, 
 though you have forbid my Love. \Gives her a Paper, and 
 
 takes up a Book from the Table, and feems to look in^t. 
 
 Wid. This is an A(5l fo fmgular, fo full of Generofity, 
 that it almoft lays me under a Neceffity of making you 
 fome Return. 
 
 Fain. Very fmgular, Faith, if fhe knew all. \Afide. 
 
 Wid. Forty Thoufand Pounds ! — Why, one Quarter of 
 that Money, would buy a Barony. 
 
 Fain. Quarter me, if I wou'd lay it out that Way, if I 
 had it. [Afide. 
 
 Wid. Or, fuppofe you fliou^d fell Part of your Eftate in 
 in, in Gloucestershire f 
 
 Fain. 
 
The ARTIFICE. 
 
 359 
 
 Fain. Ay ! or any other Shire. {A fide. 
 
 Wid. A Patent wou'd be no difficult Thing to obtain. 
 
 Fain. No ! but the Money to pay for it wou'd. \Afide. 
 
 Ha ! What's here, The Pleafures of a Single Life ? 
 
 Luckily encountered ! 
 
 Wid. P'fhaw ! a Fiddle of Single Life ! 
 
 Fain. Nay, fmceyou have impos'd the Study, Madam, 
 you muft give me Leave to con my Leffon. \Seems to read, 
 
 Wid. Pugh ! now, I'm ferious, you are turning every 
 
 Thing to ridicule. About this fame Patent, I fay ; — 
 
 Suppofe you fell Part of your Eflate. 
 
 Fain. Faith, Madam, my Eflate is like a Wife, in- 
 tail'd ; and my Father made me fwear, never to levy a 
 Fine upon any Confideration, but making a Lady a Join- 
 ture. So that it is like to be mine for Life. But, I 
 
 know, this fudden Pretence of yours, is only to try the 
 Strength of my Refolution. You are not in earnefl. 
 
 Wid. Well, purfue your Voyage to Jamaica ; fell your 
 Effedls ; return and purchafe a Barony ; which you may 
 eafily do, in Eight or Ten Months, and you fhall fee if 
 I am in earneft, or not. 
 
 Fain. Eis^ht, or Ten Months ! Ha, ha, ha ! Men love 
 not now, Child, the Patriarchal Way. No, no, I wou'd 
 not trufl to a Woman's Promife Eight or Ten Hours. — 
 Marry me before I go, and then 
 
 Wid. O ! then you won't go at all. 
 
 Fain. Juft the fame as if you do not marry me. 
 
 Wid. But what a ridiculous Figure I fhall make, after 
 fo many Declarations againfl when I fhall be 
 
 wifh'd Joy by that vulgar Epithet Mrs. Worthy ? 
 
 Fain. If that be an Objedlion, I'll give you my Ho- 
 nour, you fhall never be call'd Mrs. Worthy —{Takes hold 
 of her Hand, then fnatches it away.)~'Oy the Devil ! that 
 Touch has thaw'd all my Refolution, and Love and Folly 
 begin to pour in like a Deluge: But when I think of thole 
 terrible Words, You and I mufi never be conjured into 
 the Circle of a Wedding-Ring. 
 
 Wid. This is nothing to the Barony. Look-ye, Mr. 
 Worthy^ your Generofity has made this Moment yours 
 but if you don't take me at my Word, Confideration may 
 fpoil my Gratitude. 
 
 Fain. Nay, I'm to betaken in the Moment too. There- 
 fore, 
 
36o 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 fore, if you*ll flip on your Hood and Scarf, and ftep into 
 a Hackney-Coach with me, and drive to the Fleet, where 
 we may be tack'd together by a Spiritual Journey-man. 
 without a Licenfe, or the Knowledge of either your Ser- 
 vants or mine ; I promife you, as foon as the Ceremony 
 is over, Fll on Board ; make what Hafle the Wind and 
 Waves will permit ; Difpatch my Affairs with the utmofl 
 Expedition ; and with the firfl Ship, return to thefe dear 
 Arms. 'Till when, 'till when, thy Widow's Name be 
 worn. The World fhall be infenfible of my Happinefs, 
 'till it ring with thy Honour. 
 Wid. Aad you'll perform this ? 
 
 Fain. Moft religiously. [Embraces her. 
 
 Wid. But 
 
 Y.ain. Nay, no more Fairy- Fancies : Give real fubflan- 
 tial Pleafure. We Country-Gentlemen are fo used to Sur- 
 loins of Beef, that we fhall ftarve on the Whipt- Cream of 
 
 Airy Promifes. Take me, take me, whilji you may. 
 
 {Sings, then rM7is and catches her in his Arms) This Mo- 
 ment, whilfl my Hopes are high ; whilft Imagination re- 
 prefents a Groop of Pleafures. Thou'lt find thy Account 
 in't, I warrant thee, Widow ! 
 
 Wid. Oh ! I can refufe the dear Man no longer. 
 
 Well, wait in a Coach at the Corner of the Street, and 
 I'll be with you in the Compafs of a Wifh. \Exit. 
 
 Fain. Ha, ha, ha ! flie's caught by Jupiter. 
 
 Enter Sam. 
 
 Sam. Joy to you, Sir ! I over-heard the Bargain. 
 Fain. Not a Word in the Family. 
 Sam. Not for the World, Sir. 
 
 Fain. Wait you at my Lodging, with all Things in 
 Readinefs for Confummation. 
 
 Sam. Never fear my Part of the Bufmefs, Sir. 
 
 Fain. What have you done with his Lordfhip ? 
 
 Sam. Reduc'd him to a Commoner again, Sir ; but the 
 Fellow is a reafonable Creature ; provided you'll forgive 
 him, he'll obey your Commands. 
 
 Fain. Very well ! Away, and call me a Coach. 
 
 Sam. Yes, Sir, yes. — {Exit. 
 
 Fain. Egad, I've earn'd her Fortune by mere Dint of 
 Policy. Thus, 
 
 When 
 
T:^^ ARTIFICE. 361 
 
 When Truth, and Love, io win a Woman fail, 
 
 A well laid Plot, and Artifice prevail. [Exit 
 
 SCENE changes to the Street , before Watchit^s Door, 
 
 He in Armour, with a B hinder btifs on his Shoulder, 
 
 which he often makes ready to fire. 
 
 Wat. I fhall pepper this Dog, if he comes in my Way. 
 — Hark ! Sure I heard fomebody tread. -No, ^twas no- 
 thing but the Wind, I beUeve — 'Tis very cold 1 fhall 
 
 catch my Death ; but it is better to die once for all, than 
 to live upon the Rack. What had I to do with a Help- 
 Mete, when I was no Mete-Help for her ? S'Death, to be 
 bubbled in my old Age ; to father Children that I never 
 got, and leave my Eflate to a Mungrel Race, half Fifh, 
 half Flefh, a Piece of Priefl Craft ! I have had, as it were, 
 by Inftin(?t, a Sort of Averfionto that Kind of People from 
 my Cradle. Ah 1 honeft John Dry den, I fhall never forget 
 
 a Paffage of Thine. 
 
 Priefis of all Religions. 
 
 Who comes there ? Stand, or you're a dead Man. 
 
 Enter Demur, who draws, firikes up V<l2XQ^\t^s Piece, 
 and difarms him. 
 
 Dem. How ! Villain Fll fee you fairly trufs'd up, if 
 
 I live. 
 
 Wat. 'Ounds, who are you, Sir ? and what makes you 
 fauntering here, at this time of Night ? you are a Rogue, 
 Sirrah, and Fll fecure you. — Watch, Watch, Watch. 
 
 Dem. That pretence flian't fave your Bacon, you old 
 Villain you. Watch. Watch. 
 
 Enter Sir John, with his Sword drawn. 
 
 Sir John. Whafsthe Matterhere? Ha! V) oOiox Demur't 
 You are not hurt, I hope ! 
 
 Wat. Do6lor De7nur ! Who the Devil's he ? a Patch of 
 the Law 1 or a Carcafe-mender ? I expedled a Botcher of 
 
 another Kind. \AfLde. 
 
 Enter Conflable and Watch. 
 
 Dem. No, not hurt, Sir John ; but I was like to have 
 a Brace of Balls in my Guts. 
 
 Confl. Who caird Watch 
 
 Dem. I did. Sir ; here's a Rogue attack'd me on the 
 King's Highway, with a Defign to rob, and murder me, 
 I fuppofe. 
 
 Q Wat. 
 
362 A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Wat I did, Sir ; this ftrapping young Dog difarm^d 
 me, with Intention to enter my Houfe Vz Armis ; plun- 
 der, and abufe me [^They both /peak together. 
 
 Conji. Your Houfe ! Where do you live. Sir ? 
 
 Wat. What's that to you, Sir? A Conflable may 
 
 cuckold an Alderman. I don't defire any of you Night- 
 walking Sparks fhould know my Houfe ! \AJide, 
 
 ConJi. A plain Cafe, a plain Cafe ! he's afham'd of his 
 Habitation ; away with him. 
 
 Sir John, Ay, ay, Mr. Con/table, he's a Rogue ! This 
 is a worthy Gentleman, a Dotlor of the Laws. 
 
 ConJl. Yes, yes. Sir ; I know Doctor Demur to be as 
 honefl a Man, as any in the whole Temple ^ and ruins as 
 few, I believe. We'll fecure him. Sir. 
 
 Dem, Do ; I'll have him examin'd before a Juflice of the 
 Peace in the Morning. 
 
 Wat. The Devil ! this is a Trick to get me out of the 
 way ; and whilfl I'm detained by thefe Scoundrels, that 
 Dog of a Fryar will lie at Rack and Manger with my 
 Wife. Pray hear me, Mr. Co7iJiable. 
 
 Confl. Yes, yes. Sir, you fhall be heard before you go 
 to Newgate. — You're a fine old Duke to come to the Gal- 
 lows at thefe Years. Come, bring him along. 
 
 Wat. Sir, I fay I'll go before a Juflice to Night, and 
 will have my Wife with me too. Zounds, I cou'd tear my 
 Flefh. — Oh ! Tim \ Tim ! that ever thou Ihould'ft marry ? 
 
 Exit, forced out by the Conflables, &c. 
 
 Sir John. This fhou'd be FainwelVs Uncle, by his 
 talking of his Wife ; and certainly miflook you for one of 
 her Gallants. 
 
 Dem. Odfo ! I have heard Fainwellfy^^k of him. If it 
 fhou'd be him, we fhall have good Diverfion. Where are 
 you going, Sir John ? 
 
 Sir John. I am fent for by my Brother Ned ; who, I 
 am told, lies dangerous ill at the Widow Hedlefs^s. 
 
 Dem. 'Tis thither I'm going ; I'm glad I met you : I 
 hope it is for your Advantage. — I'll follow you. Sir. 
 
 Sir John. Hafle fhou'd excufe Ceremony, Do6lor. \Exit. 
 Enter Conjlableand Watch, with Mr. Watchit his Wife^ 
 and Lucy ; meeting Sir Philip Moneylove. 
 
 ConJi. Come, come, bring them along to the Round- 
 Houfe. 
 
 Mrs. 
 
T:^ ARTIFICE. 363 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Whither, cruel Man, muft I be hauFd out 
 of my Bed at this unfeafonable Hour ? 
 
 Conjl, Only to the Watch-houfe, Madam. 
 
 Wat. To the Watch-houfe ! to the Devil, Sir ! Tm a 
 Gentleman, and won't be abus'd. Carry me before a 
 Juflice inflantly. 
 
 Sir Phil. What's the matter here ? 
 
 Conjl. Oh, Sir Philip ! Here, here's a Juflice of Peace 
 for you. This old Man, Sir, affaulted Do6lor Demur, 
 
 Wat. You lye, Sir ! he affaulted me, Mr. Juflice. 
 
 Sir Phil. Hold, hold. Sir ; I can't hear you in the 
 Street. My Coufm Heedlefs lives the next Door, carry 
 your Prifoners thither, Conjlable ; you know the Houfe, I 
 fuppofe. 
 
 ConJl. Yes, yes, very well, Sir. Come, come, bring 'em 
 along. 
 
 S C E N E />^^ Infide of Mrs. Heedlefs' s Houfe. 
 
 The Back-Scene draws ^ and dif covers Ned Freeman and 
 Louifa, jufl 7narried ; {the Parfon making his Exit) and 
 Sir John and Demur ; Louifa throws her Arms about 
 Freeman' J" Neck. 
 
 Lou. Now I'm happy. Now thou'rt mine again ! 
 Look up, my Love ! my Free7nan ! 
 My Joy ! my Soul ! my Hufband ! 
 Take, take me in thy Arms ; and fay. 
 Thou dofl forgive me ; or I'm ftill mofl wretched. 
 
 Ned. Ha ! Why this Joy 1 from whence thefe Raptures, 
 When Life is on the Wing ; and Death purfues it 
 With an Eagle's Swiftnefs 
 
 Lou. Far be that Thought ! far as my wifhes, fend it ! 
 I hope to hold it many happy Years : 
 Thou art not poifon'd ; 
 
 Sir John. You're in no Danger, I affure you. Brother ; 
 it was only your Surprize difordered you. 
 
 Ned. Give me leave to tell you. Brother, the Diforder 
 I find myfelf in cannot proceed from Surprize alone. 
 
 Sir John. Something there was ; but far from being fa- 
 tal ; the Dodlor affur'd me, it wou'd have no other Effedl 
 
 than making vou a little fick for the prefent. 
 
 Q 2 Ned. 
 
364 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 N^d. And, I affure you, Sir, that I am nottobe trickM, 
 
 Sir. {Draws!) Cancel the Deed this Moment, or 
 
 Sir John. {Draws.) That, and my Life fhall go together. 
 Lou. Ah ! {Shrieks.) Murder ! Murder ! 
 
 [Demur draws, and parts them. 
 Enter Sir Phihp, Watchit, Mrs. Watchit, Lucy, Conjlable 
 and Watch. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ha ! Murder ! I charge you in the King's 
 Name to keep the Peace, Mr. Conjlable. — What do I fee ! 
 
 Mr. Yreeman and the mad Knight ! What would you 
 
 murder your Brother, Sir. Secure him, Conftable — I have 
 been looking for you, Mr. Freeman, all the Town over. — 
 D'ye hear, flep to my Houfe, and bid my Daughter come 
 to me this Minute. \To one of the Watchmen, who Exits. 
 Hark-ye, Mr. Freeman ; was not there fomething to be 
 done at my Houfe to Night ? 
 
 Ned. I thought fo, Sir, but was unluckily prevented. — 
 
 Wat. This is the Rogue, that took me up, Mr. Jujlice. 
 
 Dem. Did not you bid me (land. Sir ? and did not I 
 difarm you of that Blunderbufs in the Conflable's Hand, 
 you old Thief, you ? 
 
 Wat. Thief ! I fcorn your Words, Sir ; I was upon my 
 Guard. 
 
 Sir Phil. Guard of what. Sir ? 
 
 Wat, Why, a Breach that's made in my Citadel here. 
 
 {Pointing to his Wife, 
 Sir Phil. Ha, ha, ha ! By whom, pray ? 
 Wat. Afk her that ; fhe can tell you. 
 Luey. Yes, Sir, my Lady can tell you, what melan- 
 choly Days, and wretched Nights 
 
 Wat. ril wretched Nights you, Huffey ! 
 
 \Holds up his Cane. 
 Sir Phil. Hold, Sir ; do you confider where you are ? 
 Wat. Yes, and what I am too. 
 Sir Phil. And what may that be, I pray ? 
 Wat. A Cuckold, Sir 
 
 Dem. If you are fure of that Why — the Law is 
 
 open, Sir. 
 
 Wat. Ay ! fo open, that it has fwallow'd both Juflice 
 and Confcience ; and yet is as Hollow as ever. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ha, ha, ha ; but how came you arm'd ? and 
 to infult this honefl Gentleman ? 
 
 Wat. 
 
T:^^ ARTIFICE. 365 
 
 JVaL Have a care what you fay, Sir ; he'll bring his 
 Adlion againft you for Scandal. — But I took him for jufl 
 fuch another honefl Gentleman; a Botcher of Confciences. 
 One that has a better Knack at making Sin^ than forgiv- 
 ing it. — My Wife knows what I fay to be true ; and my 
 Intention was to have fent a Brace of Balls Hue-and-Cry 
 thro' his Body, in Purfuit of his Continency. 
 
 jDem. Oh Lord ! Oh Lord ! Murder a Man for lying 
 
 with your Wife ! Why, you fhou'd take the Law of 
 
 him. 
 
 IVa^. That the Lawyers might murder my Eflate ; no, 
 I thank you ; Fm for the fhortefl way ; I'd rather hang 
 at Tyburn^ than in one of your Courts. 
 
 Mrs. Wat, Have you Witnefs of what you fay, my 
 Dear? 
 
 Wat. Yes, yourfelf, my dear Devil 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I deny it ; produce your Evidence ! 
 
 Wat. Oh Impudence I Sir, pray give her her Oath and 
 
 fend her to the Devil at once Did not you tell your 
 
 ghoflly Father, Miftrefs, that a Fryar enjoy'd you every 
 Night? Deny that, if you can ! Nay, and even when I 
 was in Bed with you too 1 And that ev'ry Door in the 
 Houfe open'd as foon as he approach'd it ! for which you 
 believ'd him a Conjurer ? A Pox on the Wizard, and the 
 Circle too, I fay — Now, Gentlewoman, can you fafelytake 
 your Oath this was not your Confeffion ! 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I can fafely take my Oath, I go in Danger 
 of my Life with you. 
 
 Wat. No, no, 'tis I go in Danger of my Life, Miftrefs — 
 
 Mrs. Wat. That ftiall be try'd ; for know. Sir, I can 
 bear thefe bafe Infults no longer — I muft not go abroad — 
 Not fo much as to Church ; nor fee any Company at 
 Home ; not a Relation in Breeches ; and whenever you 
 take a Whim in your Head to go Abroad, I muft not lie 
 in my Bed, tho' you have the Key of the Door in your 
 Pocket. Nay, in ftiort, I muft not fleep, left I fhou'd 
 cuckold you in a Dream. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. A Woman may be made a Fool on, if fhe 
 will ; but you ftiall find, Mr. Watchit, I have Friends that 
 won't fee me abus'd. Lucy^ call me a Chair — I'll clear 
 myfelf, I warrant you. 
 
 Q 3 ^at. 
 
366 
 
 A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Wat. Huffey, ftir if you dare. {To Lucy.) No, Madam, 
 you fhall clear yourfelf here, if you can. 
 
 Sir Phil. I wou'd advife you. Sir, to agree with your 
 Lady. — Mr. Conjiable, you may leave your Prifoners with 
 me. [Exit Conjiable, &c. 
 
 Dem. This is a Caufe for the Civil Court. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. I have fomething to offer under the Cogni- 
 zance of Common Law ; have not we an A61 againfl 
 Priefls, that belong to no Ambaffadors ? 
 
 De7n. Yes, Madam, it's Death for fuch to live in Eng- 
 land ; and it's pity that A61 is not put in Execution. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Then, I here deliver up this Gentleman to 
 you, Sir. 
 
 Wat. What, do you mean to hang me for a Prieft, Mi- 
 ftrefs ? Am I a Prieft 1 
 
 Mrs. Wat. So you pretended when you took my Con- 
 feffion ; Cou'd you imagine, I did not know you ? Yes, 
 and refolv'd to fit you for your Jealoufy. And now this 
 good Company fhall judge, if I don't bed every Night 
 with a Fryar ; and pray you. Snub, what Door in our 
 Houfe keeps Ihut, when you approach, and bid it open 1 
 
 [In a drolling Manner. 
 
 Dem. Ha, ha, ha ! You are bit, old Gentleman. 1 
 
 fuppofe you'll aik my Pardon now, Sir 1 Ha, ha ha. 
 
 Wat. The Devil fneer you. — How have I expos'd my- 
 felf ! Ah ! Tim \ Tim ! Thou art but a Fool of a wife 
 Man ! [Afide. 
 Enter Mrs. Heedlefs. 
 
 Sir Philip. Oh ! Coufm Heedlefs ! you'll forgive my 
 taking up your Houfe here 
 
 Wid. My Servants told me the Reafon. — You are wel- 
 come. Sir Philip. I hate the fight of him ; but it's no 
 
 Time to tell him fo now. Well ! I have made no ill 
 
 Bargain. If this Spoufe of mine fliou'd never return, this 
 Writing intitles me to all his Eftate in Jamaica. — If he 
 lives to come back — I fhall be a Woman of Quality ! and 
 our Laws make farther Provifion for me, if he dies. I wifh 
 all Widows were as wife as myfelf. Coufin Olivia, your 
 Servant. 
 
 Eftter Olivia. 
 
 Oliv. How go Matters here ? Dear Coufin, inform me. 
 Wid. As you wou'd have 'em, I believe ; for the Parfon 
 
 was 
 
The ARTIFICE. 
 
 367 
 
 was fent for ; and methinks, one may read Matrimony in 
 Mr. Freeinan^s Face already. 
 
 Sir Phil. Ho ! Are you come. {Seeing Olivia. 
 
 Oliv. Did you fend for me, Sir 
 
 Sir PhiL Ay, ay, come hither, Child. — Mr. Freeman, 
 we had as good make an End of the Bufmefs now ; and 
 
 this good Company will make up a Country-Dance 
 
 Kerens my Girl. Coufm Heedlefs will fend for a Parfon. 
 
 Oliv. Oh miferable ! What do I hear 1 
 
 Sir Phil. The Bufmefs will foon be done. 
 
 Ned. My Bufmefs is done, Sir. 
 
 Sir PhiL But not with my Daughter, Sir. — Come, hang 
 Thinking ; fend home the Dutch Woman, They are heavy 
 dull Jades. Here's a Girl of the true EngliJJi Breed, that 
 will make you as merry as a Cricket, when the Parfon 
 has faid Grace, Boy. 
 
 ]\ed. I tell you, Sir Philips I have more Occafion for 
 the Hangman's Halter, than the Marriage Noofe. 
 
 Sir PhiL What, before you are married 1 Pifh, Pifh ! 
 that's impoffible. But were there not certain Articles to 
 be performed on your Part to Day ? 
 
 Ned. I thought fo Yefterday, Sir. 
 
 Sir PhiL Yesterday, Sir } Zounds ! What do you mean, 
 Sir.^^ 
 
 Sir John, Why, in fhort. Sir, this Lady has flept in 
 between my brother Ned, and your Daughter, and fup- 
 ply'd her Place ; that's all, Sir. 
 
 . Oliv. O bleffed Sound. {Afide. 
 
 Sir PhiL Ha, ha, ha ! What have you another Play to 
 a(Sl, Sir John ? 
 
 Sir John. No, Faith, Sir the Play is ended ; and 
 
 with your Leave, this Lady and I will fpeak the Epilogue. 
 
 {Takes hold 0/ OXWidJs Ha7td. 
 
 Sir PhiL Stark mad, by Jupiter. Hold, hold. Sir, this 
 Lady does not underftand Epilogues, nor Prologues nei- 
 ther. [Takes her from hifn.) Do you think I am to be 
 fool'd, Mr. Freeman ? 
 
 Lou. No, Sir ; but I think you mufl look out (harp for 
 another Son-in-Law, Sir Philip \ for I am on the right 
 fide of the Hedge, now. We are married, Sir. 
 
 Sir PhiL Indeed, is jfhe in earnefl, Mr. Free^nan ? 
 
 Ned. Yes, Faith, I can fee no J eft in't ; and I'll tell you 
 
 another 
 
368 
 
 The ARTIFICE. 
 
 another Secret ; I have given my Brother every Foot of 
 
 my Eflate. — 
 
 Sir Phil. Really ! 
 
 De7n. Really, Sir Philip. I drew the Deed. 
 
 Sir Phil. Why, then it was the worft Deed he ever 
 
 did in his Life ; and if it be true 1 wifh you Joy, Sir 
 
 John. 
 
 Sir Joh7i. To convince you. Sir, there^s the Papers. 
 
 {Gives him Papers, 
 
 Sir Phil. Humph ! 'Tis even fo, 1 wifh you Joy 
 
 with your Dutch Vrow, Mr. Freeman, 1 do. Faith, 
 
 Minheer. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. My Lover married ! Nay, then Tm glad we 
 were no better acquainted. [Afide. 
 
 Wid. I wifh you Joy, Madam. \To Louifa. 
 
 Lou. It is not in the Power of Fortune to give me more. 
 I hope, my Dear, you are pretty well again. 
 
 hed. Humph, my Sicknefs will continue longer than 
 fhe imagines. {Afide?) You affure me Tm in no Danger 
 of leaving the World, Madam ; I wifti you cou^d tell me 
 how to live in't 
 
 Lou. Oh, trufl to Love, my Dear. 
 
 Ned. And flarve, my Dear ! \Walks from her. 
 
 Wat. How fhall I be able to look my Wife in the Face 
 again ? 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Methinks, Lucy, your Mafter feems to have 
 an Air of Penitence. 
 
 Lucy. He does, indeed, look penitential. Madam. 
 
 Sir Phil. I've been confidering you from Head to Foot, 
 Sir John ; and, upon my Soul, I think I never faw you 
 look fo well in my Life : Tho', to fay Truth, I always 
 thought you a fine Gentleman. — 'Till he was difmherited. 
 
 {Afi^de.) Olivia, come hither, Child ! Give me thy 
 
 Hand ; it was ever my Refolution, that thou fhould'fl go 
 with the Eflate ; and therefore, Sir John, fmce youVe got 
 one, e'en take t'other. {Throws her to him.) — There, now 
 do your Endeavour to make me, within Ten Months, a 
 Grandfather. 
 
 Sir John. On my Knees I thank you. This Prefent is 
 more Welcome, than what my Brother gave me. 
 
 Ned. Return my Deed then ; I did not give it you : You 
 trick'd me out of it ; remember that, Brother. 
 
 Sir 
 
77/^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 369 
 
 Sir John, Out of nothing but my own, Brother ; but 
 half my Eftate is at your Service. Your Generofity to this 
 Lady commands that . 
 
 Sir Phil. Say you fo, Sir ? Then your Generofity fhall 
 command but half my Daughter's Portion ; mark that. 
 
 Lou. I bar that Injuftice ; the Fortune's all his own ; 
 Nor do we need your kind Indulgence, Brother 
 
 Ned. No !— Egad, I'm glad to hear that ! \Aftde, 
 
 Lou. Yours was the Plot that made my Freeman mine ; 
 and Heaven rewards you for't, with your Eflate; and puts 
 it in my Pow'r to raife your Brother above the Reach of 
 Want. Know, then, my Father left me his only Heir, and 
 Miflrefs of forty thoufand Pounds. 
 
 Ned, Ha! Say'flthou.? 
 
 Lou. I knew not where to find thee ; but refolv'd to live 
 
 unmarried for thy Sake But, upon Sir John^s Letter, 
 
 haften'd to prevent thy Breach of Faith. 'Tis done ; for- 
 give the Artifice, and all my Fortune's thine. 
 
 Ned. Forgive thee ! What, forty thoufand Pounds, and 
 afl<: Forgivenefs ! One quarter of the Money would purchafe 
 a Pardon for all the Sins of thee, and thy Pofterity ! I af- 
 firm, no Woman can be guilty of any Fault, that has forty 
 
 thoufand Pounds. But few of the Sex can boaft fuch 
 
 Conftancy. How^ fhall I thank thee for this exceffive 
 Goodnefs 1 Brother ! Let me thank you too. Had I 
 known your Inclination for this Lady, you fhould have had 
 no Rival here. [Claps his Hand on his Breajl, 
 
 Sir Phil, And if he had not got the Eftate again, he 
 fhould have had no Father here. [Clappiitghis Handon his 
 Breajl}} Come, come, 'tis all well, and the Man has his 
 Mare again What are you mufmg on, Sir.^* {To Wat- 
 chit.) Prithee be chearful Man — Suppofe you were a 
 Cuckold, the Fault's not yours, nor your Wife's neither : 
 No doubt but you was born when Mars and Venus were in 
 Conjun6lion ; and if fo, who can withftand their Fate ? 
 
 Omn. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Dem. Ha, ha ; but this Gentleman is in no Danger. 
 
 Come, come. Sir, take your Lady and make much 
 
 of her ; give her her own Liberty ; confide in her Honour, 
 and that way preferve her Virtue. 
 
 Ned. I'm glad the old Cuff does not know me again. 
 
 [A/ide. 
 
 VOL. III. Mrs. 
 
370 
 
 73^^ ARTIFICE. 
 
 Mrs. Wat. Let him ceafe to be jealous, and when I 
 give him real Caufe, let him expofe me — What fay you. 
 Mumps} Shall I enjoy the Liberties of an Englijh Wife? 
 
 Wat. An Englijh Wife, that's a large Latitude, Pud ! 
 But I agree to it ; come, bufs, and Friends then ! {Kiff'es 
 her.) So now ; 
 
 ni fro7?i this Moment bani/Ii all iny Cares, 
 With all my Locks, and Bolts^ and Iron Bars. 
 
 Enter Fainwell and Sam ftnging, the lajl with a Bottle 
 and Gla/s in his Hand. 
 
 Wid. Blefs me ! What, do I fee my Rafcal drunk ? 
 Sir Phil. Ha, ha, ha, Jeffery in his Cups ? 
 Fain. I'm refolv'd to be merry to Night, be-mefs, Sir. — 
 
 {Sings. 
 
 Sing Ola wa^ let us be merry 
 
 Sam. O nilly wa, let us be mer7y. 
 
 Fain. Arid drink the King^s Health in 7'acy Canary. 
 
 Sam. Ya hony Lee. 
 
 Wid. ril honey Lee you, Sirrah {Runs to beat hiin. 
 
 Fain, Hold, hold, my Dear ; tho' I allow'd you to beat 
 me, when you was my Miftrefs, the Cafe is altered no\V' 
 you are my Wife. 
 
 Wid. Wife I 
 
 Fain. I am no Xong^r Jeffery 1 but your Lord and Maf- 
 ter. 
 
 Wid. Ruined pafl Redemption ! Oh ! oh ! oh ! 
 
 {Burjis into Tears. 
 
 Fain, No, nd, my Dear, Til fo hug, love, and bufs thee, 
 that thou fhalt own to Morrow Morning thy Money well 
 laid out. {Goes to embrace her. 
 
 Omn. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Wid. Stand off ; I never can forgive your putting fuch 
 a Trick upon me, Mr. Worthy ! 
 
 Fain. Mr. Fainwell, if you pleafe, my Dear. You fhall 
 find me a Man of Honour. You know it was part of our 
 Agreement, you fhou'd not be calFd Mrs. Worthy. 
 
 Wid. Not Worthy \ Oh Pleavens ! then I have married 
 a down-right Scoundrel ! Oh I undone, undone ; get out 
 of my Sight. Oh ! oh ! 
 
 Fain. Get out of thy Sight ! No, no, Fll get into thy 
 
 Arms^ 
 
77^^ A R T I F I C E. 
 
 371 
 
 Arms, my Girl : where I'll convince thee, that I am a 
 Gentleman, of a better Family than your Sham-Lord. 
 
 [Whifpers Sam, who Exits. 
 Wat. That he is, I affure you, Widow ; for he is my 
 Nephew. 
 
 Sir Phil, A very good Metamorphofis ! You are an ex- 
 cellent A61or, Sir. 
 
 Fain. Every Man in his Way, Sir. 
 
 Sir Phil. Is your Vanity come to this ! Faith, you have 
 made but a blind Bargain of it, Coufin. 
 
 Fain, You had lik'd to have couzen'd her into a blinder 
 
 Bargain Hark-ye, Sir Philips what was you to have 
 
 had, if this noble Lord of your Dubbing, had been in 
 my Place 1 
 
 Enter Sam and Tally. 
 
 Sir Phil. What do you mean by allcing that Queflion, 
 Sir? Do you think I was to be bribed ? 
 
 Fain. So this fame Gentleman fays. Sir ; to the Tune 
 of Three Thoufand Pounds. Is it not true, Tally 1 
 
 Tally. To a Tittle, Sir 
 
 Sir Phil. W^hy, you, you, you impudent Son of a 
 Whore ; were not Seventeen enough for you ? 
 
 Wid. Not if he had been what you reprefented him, Sir. 
 But I have nothing to thank your Friendfliip for. 
 
 Sir Phil. A Fig for your Reflections ; nothing wou^d go 
 down with your Vanity, but a Lord, forfooth : and fmce 
 no Lord of the King's making would be troubled with you, 
 I made one on purpofe for you. Look-ye, 'tis my Opi- 
 nion, ev'ry Man cheats in his Way And he is only 
 
 honefl, who is not difcover'd. \Exit^ 
 
 Om7i. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 
 
 Pdin. I believe. Sir, I have a Guinea of yours. 
 
 It is too much, to take both your Money and your Mif- 
 trefs ; there, Sir ; {Gives hi7n a Guinea.) Now, Sir, I 
 prefume your Abfence will be very agreeable to this 
 Company. 
 
 Tally. With all my Heart, Sir. ^And I am glad I'm 
 
 come off fo well. [Exit. 
 
 Ned. Come, come, Madam, I think you have 'fcap'd 
 very well, confidering all. You might have been undone: 
 The Prevention of which is owing to M.r. Fainwell. There's 
 
 nothing in a Title Believe me, there are more heavy 
 
 Hearts 
 
372 
 
 The A R T I F I C E. 
 
 Hearts in Coaches with Coronets behind 'em, than you'll 
 find in the Hacks, take 'em as they run, from the Royal 
 Palace to the Royal Exchange. 
 
 Sir Joh7t. Fm of my Brother's Opinion, Madam ; Mr. 
 Faiiiwell bears the King's Commiffion ; and tho' he is but 
 a Subaltern, you have Fortune enough to buy him a Regi- 
 ment ; and a Colonel's Lady is as good as my Lord's. 
 
 Wid. Well, fmce it is no better, 'tis well it's no worfe ; 
 
 But don't you think. Sir JoJin^ a Thoufand Pounds, 
 
 rightly plac'd, wou'd not get him knighted 1 
 
 Fain. Ha, ha, ha ! We'll confider of that to Morrow 
 Morning. 
 
 Wid. I hope you'll forgive the Blows, I 
 
 Fain. And promife never to return 'em too. 
 
 Wat. Nephew, I wifh thee Joy with all my Heart. 
 Fain. I thank you, Uncle. 
 
 Sir John. Fm fo much indebted to you, that I love you 
 now, methinks, in fpight of Principle. 
 
 Ned. My Principle, dear Jack, is the fame with thine. 
 I did not think it prudent to contradidl my Father ; but no 
 Man fhall do more in Defence of his Country, or pay his 
 Taxes more chearfully. Come to my Arms. 
 
 Sir John, To my Heart. \They embrace, 
 
 Ned. Now every Man to his Mate ; and let's have a 
 
 Sir John. Come, Mr. Watchit, take your Wife, and let 
 me advife you, if fhe has any Faults, hide them from the 
 Publick : 
 
 For He or She, who drags the Marriage Chain, 
 And finds in Spoufe Occafion to complain, 
 Should hide their Frailties with a Lover's Care, \ 
 And let th^ ill-judging World conclude ^em Fair \ \ 
 Better th^ Offence ne^er reach the Offender's Ear. ) 
 For they who fm with Caution, whilft conceal'd, 
 Grow impudently carelefs, when reveal'd. 
 
 Country-Dance. 
 
 \Goes to Lou i fa. 
 
 FINIS.