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 Chicago and Alton R. R., 
 
 CHICAGO. 
 
WE ARE WARRIORS THREE. 
 
:m ipprsby: 
 
 on 
 
 -«PRIRGG8S'S-ID^ 
 
 #. 
 
 By D. DALZIEL, 
 
 Editor of the Chicago News 'letter. 
 
 ^c^M^— Interior of King Alton Hilderbrandt' s Palace in the City of Chicago, 
 U. S. America. Courtiers, Officials of the Service, Soldiers of 
 the Railroad, Body Guard, Conductors and Passenger Agents, 
 looking out on the line of the Chicago and Alton Railroad with 
 telescopes, opera glasses, etc. 
 
 [chorus.] 
 
 SEARCH throughout the Panorama 
 For a sign of Royal Gama, 
 - Who by the Alton this day shall, 
 Accompanied by his child and pal, 
 Come from Adamant. 
 
 Some misfortune evidently 
 Has detained them — consequently 
 Search throughout the Panorama 
 For the daughter of King Gama, 
 Prince Hilarion's Plant. 
 
 LORIAN — Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted ? 
 
 <gr LL— Who can tell ! 
 
A FAROD Y ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 T'LORIAN— Will Ida slight the man to whom she's plighted? 
 . — Who can tell ! 
 
 % 
 
 T'LORIAN — Can she an Alton ruler thus irritate? 
 
 2 LL— Who can tell ! 
 
 Xl'LORIAN — If so, she'll pay for it at any rate. 
 
 LL — We'll not despair, 
 
 For Gama would not dare 
 To make a deadly foe 
 Of Alton's King, and so 
 
 Search throughout, etc. 
 {Enter King Alton Hilderbrandt.) 
 
 RILDERBRANDT— No sign of Gama yet ? The regular train from Castle 
 
 *' Adamant came m exactly on time, some fifteen minutes since. I will 
 here in parenthesis remark, that all trains on the Alton Road invariably do come 
 in on time. I saw it from my castle window ; four sleepers, two drawing-room 
 cars, a dining car, three reclining-chair cars and five coaches. 
 T^LORIAN — Your liege forgets that you placed a " special " at his disposal, 
 
 ^ but still he should be here. 
 
 RILD. — 'Tis true, but still it's very odd. But, if Gama fails to put in an 
 
 * ^ appearance at the Court before the sun sets, accompanied by his daughter, 
 to whom our son was betrothed at the extreme age of one, then there will be 
 war between Gama and ourselves. {Aside.) I dread this greeting. When last 
 I saw Gama, twenty years ago, he was a fretful, twisted monster, with a tongue 
 as bitter as the agents of our rival lines. 
 
 T^LORIAN — ( Who has been looking attentively dozen the track imth his glasses.) 
 
 * But stay ! I see the smoke of an approaching train. I even hear the 
 music of its wheels, as they fly like magic o'er the glittering rails. Already it is 
 at the station. From a private car I see somebody ; guards descend, and now 
 a bent and crippled form of human shape. It ?nust be Gama. 
 
 ILD. — And is the Princess with him ? 
 
 B 
 
 T^LORIAN — Not unless she's six foot three, and wears suspenders. 
 
 RILD. — Who can tell ! I've heard that she is a whimsical sort of girl But 
 *^ come ! Bustle up there. Let everything be prepared. The costliest of 
 dinners, the meanest of prison fares ; the richest room in the palace, the deepest 
 dungeon, too. For as King Gama brings his daughter, or brings her not, so 
 shall he be treated. 
 
HILARION AND HIS FRIENDS. 
 
THE CHICAGO 
 
ALTON DEPOT. 
 
HILDERBRANDT (furious): ENOUGH OF THIS, WHERE 
 IS YOUR DAUGHTER? 
 
A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 {Enter Prince Hilarion, Knight of the Road, Grand Master of the United 
 Order of Chieago and A /ton Railroad Con due to is, and an exquisite.) 
 
 RILARION — (Aside) To-day I meet my baby bride, to whom I was 
 *' betrothed twenty years since. I have every confidence that my own 
 accomplishments, and the influence of the Hne with which I am connected, will 
 sufifice to re-unite our bonds to-day. They are above par on the market. {To 
 Hild. ) Well, father, is there any neAvs ? 
 
 RILD. — King Gama has just arrived, and is now on his way here from our 
 *^ depot ; but I fear without the Princess. 
 
 RILARION — Alas! I have heard strange stories of my bride. They tell 
 ^^ me she lias foresworn men — never having had anything to do with them 
 she probably does not know what she loses. But they say she has shut herself 
 up in the Castle Adamant accompanied by a number of devotees. It is strange, 
 considering that she lives so near our line that the mere proximity of our Alton 
 men has not had its usual influence before this. 
 
 R 
 
 {Enter a representative of the Chicago and Alton Railroad.) 
 
 EP. OF C. & A. R. R. — My liege, I beg to announce the coming of Kin^ 
 
 Gama, preceded by his three royal sons. 
 ILD. — Bid them enter. 
 
 {Enter Arac, Guron and Synthius, zvarriors hold.) 
 RAG— 
 
 [song.] 
 
 We are warriors three. 
 Men of worth are we. 
 Just arrived by steam, 
 Strange as it may seem. 
 
 V, 
 
 LL THREE- 
 
 6 
 
 URON- 
 
 R 
 
 LL THREE- 
 
 Yes ! yes ! 
 
 Strange as it may seem. 
 
 Special train we had. 
 Not so very bad. 
 Really very fine 
 By the Alton Line. 
 
 Yes ! yes ! 
 
 By the Alton Line. 
 
n 
 
 A PAROD Y ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 YNTHIUS— 
 
 Dining-car so rich, 
 Sleeping-car like which 
 Nothing can compare 
 Running time so rare. 
 
 LL THREE- 
 
 Yes ! yes ! 
 
 Nothing can compare. 
 
 <Tjf RAC — My liege, we beg to present our respects, and to thank you for our 
 ^^ pleasant journey on your line. It is our unpleasant duty also to announce 
 the coming of our Royal Father. 
 
 {Enter King Gam a.) 
 AMA— 
 
 G 
 
 [song.] 
 
 If you give me your attention I will tell you what I am, 
 I'm a genuine philanthrophist — all other kinds are sham. 
 Each little fault of temper and each social defect 
 In my erring fellow creatures I endeavor to correct. 
 To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes, 
 And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise. 
 I love my fellow creatures, I do all the good I can, 
 But everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man. 
 And I can't think why. 
 
 For all who do me favors I've a withering remark. 
 And as for beating railroad lines, I think it quite a lark, 
 I wheedle out free passes, and I call the road a sham, 
 I sell them to the scalpers, that's the sort of man I am. 
 I put rocks upon the railroad tracks, and try to wreck the train, 
 Get a madman hired as engineer, and swear the man is sane. 
 I spread all sorts of rumors, and have all the fun I can. 
 Yet ! Everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man. 
 And I can't think why. 
 
 When I get into a sleeper I sit up half the night. 
 And try to make the ladies think that everything's not right. 
 I cut in strips the cushions, the curtains always tear. 
 And pleasantly suggest aloud : " They are the worse for wear." 
 I go into the smoking car, and remark I never smoke. 
 And when the weeds are all put out, I explain it's all a joke. 
 You see, I try to make myself as pleasant as I can. 
 Yet ! Everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man. 
 And I can't think why. 
 
HILARION CHECKS HIS BAGGAGE. 
 
ON THE DINING CAR. 
 
A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 And yet, with all my little whims I really must decline 
 To say a single word against the fav'rite Alton Line. 
 To speak in praise of anything goes hard against the grain, 
 But I really never was upon such a perfect train. 
 I had dinner in a dining car, which every want could fill, 
 And I drank my health quite frequently, and did n't pay my bill. 
 You see I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, 
 Yet ! Everybody says I 'm such a disagreeable man, 
 And I can 't think why. 
 
 r^AMA — So this is the royal castle of the Chicago and Alton Railroad ? Dame 
 Rumor whispered that the place was on a par with everything connected 
 with the Alton Line. Superb ! Royal ! Grand ! 
 
 ^ll.X).—{Gra(i_fted) Oh ! Sire. 
 
 pAMA. — But she 's a liar. And this is your son ! Dame Rumor also said he 
 was the leader of fashions among the Alton employes, but he 's changed. 
 He used to be a singularly handsome child. 
 
 r^ILD. — {Furious.) Enough of this. Where is your daughter, whom on your 
 ^ plighted word should be here to-day? 
 
 /^AMA — She would not be tempted. She hates railroad travelling. I do n't 
 blame her. I tried to explain that a journey on the Alton was a delicious 
 reverie set to music on wheels, but she was obdurate. She 's in Castle Adamant 
 foresworn to all men, surrounded by a hundred maidens fair, who think as 
 she does. 
 
 CILD. — Surely we can win her over ? 
 
 r^AMA — Not you ! She and her companions will have nothing to do with 
 anything masculine. One young lady brought a mail phaeton with her 
 to the castle and she was expelled. When the time comes for the fast mail for 
 Kansas City over your line to pass, the young ladies shut themselves in the 
 basement cellar. Perhaps the never failing graces of your Alton men may win 
 her. 
 
 pRINCE HILARION— Well ! I "11 try {to Cyril ami Florian), and you shall 
 accompany me. Come quick ! Your satchel. We have just time to 
 catch the fast train for Castle Adamant, and we will see whether the graces of 
 one Alton man won't change the tenor of these young ladies' ideas. Quick ! 
 secure us berths. {Exit officials}) 
 
 r^ILD. — Yes ! and you. King Gama, and your baby boys shall remain here 
 ^ as hostages. {Re-enter officials.) Sorry to say, sir, that every berth in the 
 five sleepers is taken. Nothing left to swing a duster in. 
 
A PARODY ON FRI ACCESS IDA. 
 
 "CILD. — Then take our special car {exit officials to give orders), and now, King 
 ' Gama, a word to you. If aught befall the flower of this road, look out 
 for your life. Take him to a cell and give him one of our time tables to pass 
 away the time. {Exit Gama and his three sons in chains}^ 
 
 The scene changes to the depot of the Chicago and Alton Railroad. 
 
 With the prince and his tiuo friends checking their baggage and then to the 
 o-ardens at Castle Adamant, a charmi?ig retreat on the line of the Chicago and 
 Alton Railroad. In the distance can be seen the steel tracks of the Chicago and 
 Alton Railroad glittering in the noonday sun. The air is calm and babny, disturbed 
 only by the occasional song of some bird, or the musical hum of a distant train on 
 the Alton Line, as it whizzes with light?iing speed along the track. The lady 
 graduates of the Princess Ida's seminary are on the scene, seated on the lawn at 
 the feet of L.idy Psyche. 
 
 r ADY P. — Attention, ladies, while I read to you the list of punishments 
 
 ordered by the Princess Ida. The first is Claire. She 's expelled. 
 7J LL— Expelled ! 
 
 r ADY P. — Yes, expelled ! Because, although she knows that no man of any 
 kind may scale these walls, she brought a set of chessmen here. The next 
 is May. She is also expelled for receiving letters. 
 fVVAY — They were from my mother ! 
 
 ADY P. — It matters not, they came by mail. The next is Edith. She is also 
 expelled for being found with a Chicago and Alton folder in her 
 possession. 
 POITH — What harm is that ? 
 
 r ADY P — A young lady of this seminary is not allowed to harbor things that 
 fold-her. The next is Blanche. She is also expelled for looking out of 
 her window when the Chicago and Alton train was passing. 
 
 LANCHE —I was only looking out for the sleepers, they are so — 
 
 L 
 
 B 
 
 r ADY P. — Enough ! Looking out for sleepers is not a square game to play. 
 Even horrid man condemns it. And now, young ladies, prepare your- 
 selves, for your Princess Ida will be here directly to read you the lessons of 
 the day. 
 
 {Enter the Princess Ida.) 
 
 IDA — Women of Adamant, gathered together for the noble purpose of shun- 
 ning that vile creature known as man, listen while I a tale unfold. Our 
 undertaking is a noble one. We, women assembled as we are in this retreat, 
 know full well the uselessness of man. Let nothing tempt you from your path 
 
PRINCESS IDA AND HER COMPANIONS. 
 
PRINCESS IDA AND THE ALTON ANGELS. 
 
A CHANGE OF COSTUME. 
 
THE ALTON MEN ARE APPRECIATED. 
 
A PAROD Y ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 of sworn duty, and yet ! methinks, the dangerous proximity of that horrid Alton 
 road is a glittering temptation to some of your thoughtless heads. If by chance 
 your eyes should light upon one of the creatures they call their officials, let not 
 their gaudy tinsel turn your giddy brains. It is true that they dress with 
 exquisite taste, that their manners are those which Lord Chesterfield so highly 
 commended, that they belong to the only railroad corporation in the world 
 which even / can look upon with feelings akin to admiration. It is true also — 
 this fact I cannot deny — that the equipment of the Alton Line is as near perfec- 
 tion as human ingenuity can make it. That their train service is perfect, their 
 cars superb, their track as smooth as the skin on my face, and that they run the 
 only through train worth taking between Chicago and Kansas City, and all 
 points West. I can say this fearlessly. Their tracks are but steel, their cars 
 merely wood and metal, and we have nothing to fear from wood and metal. 
 But beware of their officials. Do not be deceived into thinking that because a 
 man is godlike in appearance, he is anything but a man after all. With all their 
 grace, their outward charms and pleasing manners, these creatures would win 
 your hearts, and wear them too, with all the assurance with which one of us 
 would knock the top off an egg for breakfast. This much being said, I beg you 
 to follow me to partake in the usual exercises of the day. 
 {Exit Princess, followed by the ladies of the seminary. The sound of an engine 
 
 whistle is heard. Then enter Hilarion, Cyril and Florian at back, 
 
 creeping cautiously!) 
 
 TRIO. 
 
 Gently, gently. 
 Evidently 
 We are safe so far. 
 The Alton Train, 
 With sweet refrain. 
 
 Brought us, here we are ! 
 
 Flying lightly. 
 Whizzing sprightly, 
 
 O'er the Alton Track. 
 We expect to 
 All invite you 
 
 When we journey back. 
 ^^ILARION — Hush, scoffer ! Despite the advantages of our remarkably 
 '^ excellent line, it is proper for you to remember that you can 't work off 
 any tickets here in this college of learning. These ladies are going to do won- 
 derful things, I am told. List to their intentions : 
 They intend to live alone 
 
 From us men ; from us men. 
 Like the doggy with his bone. 
 Do you ken ; do you ken ? 
 
lYRIL— 
 
 A PAROD Y ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 Then they're greedy with their graces, 
 
 Selfish girls ; selfish girls. 
 And they hide their pretty faces 
 
 And their curls, and their curls. 
 They 've a very queer intention 
 
 It is sung, it is sung : 
 To resist polite attention 
 
 From the young, from the young. 
 
 They 've another funny notion, 
 They can do without devotion 
 From an Alton man — what notion — 
 If they can, if they can. 
 
 These are the Phenomena, 
 That every pretty Domina 
 Hopes that we shall see 
 At the Universitee. 
 
 As for Railroads they are ready 
 
 To admit ; to admit 
 That their employes are steady. 
 
 And they sit, and they sit 
 A dreaming of the Alton men 
 
 At their best, at their best ; 
 And waiting for the hour when 
 
 They pass West, they pass West. 
 But, each newly made aspirant 
 
 To the clan, to the clan, 
 Must repudiate the tyrant 
 
 Known as man, known as man. 
 
 The Alton Road Conductors 
 They regard as mere seductors, 
 And they 're going to do without them 
 If they can, if they can. 
 
 These are the Phenomena 
 That every pretty Domina 
 Hopes that we shall see 
 At this Universitee. 
 
 ^ILARION — And so here we are, in the breast of the citadel Hallo ! what's 
 ^^ this? {^Examining some robes left by the female graduates?^ Why! Aca- 
 demic robes, robes worn no doubt by some of the undergraduates. Here, you 
 
HILARION IN CLOVER. 
 
I'M A PEPPERY SORT OF A KING. 
 
FREE AS A TETHERED ASS. 
 
OH! DON'T THE DAY SEEM BLANK AND LONG. 
 
A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 fellows ! Put them on. ( They do so, and the robes reach to their feet. They 
 look as any well-regnlaied Alton man looks in anything — extremely fetching. 
 They burst out laughing.) 
 
 B 
 
 ILARION- 
 
 n 
 
 LL- 
 
 •LORIAN- 
 
 K 
 
 HiLARiON, Cyril, Florian. 
 
 I am a maiden coy and graceful, 
 Stately I, with a face divine, 
 But with my smiles I'm ever faithful. 
 True to the men of the Alton Line. 
 
 Haughty, humble, coy and free. 
 Little care I what maid may be. 
 So that a maid is fair to see. 
 Every maid is the maid for me. 
 
 I am a maiden sweet and lusty, 
 Dainty and pleasant am I to see, 
 Timid and shy, and oh ! so trusty. 
 An Alton man is the man for me. 
 
 LL- 
 
 B 
 
 Haughty, humble, coy and free. 
 Little care I what maid may be, 
 So that a maid is fair to see, 
 Every maid is the maid for me. 
 ILARION — But who comes here ? The Princess, as I live. 
 
 /Tl YRIL— What is to be done ? 
 
 ^ILARION — Why, brave heart, my boy. Remember that you are an Alton 
 " man, and be brave. {Enter Princess.) He bows low. Madam, accept 
 my humblest reverence. 
 
 iRINCESS — Ladies, you are welcome. What might be your pleasure with me ? 
 
 P 
 
 RILARION — {bowing.) We are three well-born maidens, ma'am ! daughters 
 " of those who run the Alton line, who wish to join the University. 
 
 PRINCESS — You say you are the daughters of those who run the Alton Line. 
 Well ! You '11 find no comfort here. Your bed will be that of the hum- 
 blest. No downy mattress, soft pillows, or the rock of a Pullman Palace Car 
 to send you to sleep. Your fare will be plain and simple, your beverage nature's 
 stream. No dining-car lunches at seventy-five cents a meal, which ought to cost 
 $2.00. No delicacies out of season, or fine wines iced, as you get on that line. 
 Your service must be done by yourselves. No obsequious porters will brush 
 
A PAROD Y ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 your boots or carry about your bundle. And so, if you think well of this, there 
 are here one hundred maidens fair who are prepared to love and welcome you. 
 Will you try to give the fullness of your love to them ? 
 
 LL — Indeed we will. 
 
 R' 
 
 'l^RINCKSS — Then you are welcome. 
 
 {Exit Princess. The men burst out laughing and do a bit of a breakdown. 
 Lady Psyche enters back and looks at them with amazement. 
 
 r* ADY P. — These ladies are unseemly in their mirth. 
 T^'LORIAN — It 's all up, Hilarion ! Here is my sister. 
 
 ILARION — Then make a virtue of necessity, and take her in our confidence. 
 
 B 
 
 FLORIAN — ( To Lady Psyche.) Psyche ! why don't you know me, your 
 brother, Florian ? 
 PSYCHE — [Amazed.) Florian. {They e7nbrace.) What are you doing here ? 
 Oh, dear ! You know it is death for any man to be found within these 
 walls. How did you get here ? 
 
 FLORIAN — By the ever reliable Chicago and Alton Railroad, of which I am 
 a humble but devoted employe. 
 PSYCHE— Oh, dear ! Then you are an Alton man {looking at him ivith admira- 
 tion). I always thought you would be something great some day. But 
 who are these ? 
 
 ^? ILARION — I am Prince Hilarion, of the Alton Line also. Your early play- 
 ^^ fellow, and the betrothed of your Princess. 
 
 PSYCHE — I might have known you were an Alton man. To imitate their 
 bearing is impossible. Listen ! and I will tell you the history of a man 
 who once tried to rival a Chicago and Alton man : 
 
 [song.] 
 
 An Alton man of lineage high 
 Was aped by a rival in days gone by. 
 The man was radiant as the sun, 
 The rival was an unsightly one. 
 
 So it would not do, 
 
 His scheme fell through 
 To the world when his scheme took formal shape ; , 
 
 Expressed such terror 
 
 At his monstrous error 
 That he stammered his apology and made his 'scape, 
 The picture of a disconcerted ape. 
 
THERE WAS MY PORTER GRINNING. 
 

 AN ALTON DART. 
 
IN BATTLE ARRAY. 
 

 THE FIGHT. 
 
A PAROD V ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 With a view to rise in the Railway scales, 
 He washed his collar and cut his nails. 
 He bought a uniform and made it shine, 
 And swore that he belonged to the Alton Line. 
 
 But it would not do, 
 
 His scheme fell through, 
 For the Alton man was beauty's king. 
 
 With graceful manners. 
 
 Like Lord John Manners, 
 While the rival lacked the metal ring, 
 And always remained a puny thing. 
 
 He bought white ties and he bought new boots. 
 And he dressed himself in bran-new suits ; 
 Then he put C. & A. on all his things, 
 And he bought a pin and diamond rings. 
 
 But it would not do. 
 
 His scheme fell through. 
 For the Alton man whom the rival aped 
 
 Was a radiant being. 
 
 Well worth seeing. 
 While the rival King, however shaped. 
 At best was an Alton man ill-aped. 
 
 {They do another breakdown^ during which enter Princess at back. She 
 looks on in amazement^ 
 
 ^SYCHE— (Z^^Z'i- at her terrified) All is lost ! 
 
 FRINCESS — What is this? It seems to me that female garb become you 
 ladies ill. I don't think I ever saw a gentlewoman do a breakdown 
 before. 
 
 "T^ILARION — We hope to become young ladies soon. 
 
 ^RINCESS— But are not now? 
 
 ^^ILARION — {Throws off his robe, and then throws himself at the feet of the 
 *^ Princess ) 'Tis useless to dissemble farther. We are merely men. I am 
 Prince Hilarion, your betrothed, and these two are my friends. 
 
 PRINCESS— (^^m?/«///^.) Men ! and Alton men at that ! Ring the bell ! 
 Fire the alarm guns, and have the Army of Amazons take them to the most 
 secret cells and annihilate them. 
 
A PAROD Y ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 {Loud turmoil J enter all the girls running frigJitened. They catch sight of 
 the three Alton men, and immediately fall prostrate at their feet and regard the?n 
 with languishing eyes.) 
 
 ^I^RINCESS — Summon my henchmen ! {They come.) Seize and bind them. 
 •^ {They do it.) And now, adventurous men, much as I admire your shape 
 and venerate the line you represent, you must die {^vith emotion). My principles 
 must be observed. So take them off. {Loud noise heard outside ; enter girls 
 ru lining 7vith fright}^ 
 
 Olll ELISSA — Princess ! There is an armed force at the gates of the castle, 
 -■ * *" just arrived by the St. Louis express and headed by King Hilderbrandt. 
 They demand admittance. 
 RINCESS— Refuse it. 
 
 P 
 
 ^T LL — Too late. {A loud crash is heard ; enter King Hilderbrandt with' his 
 **' army of Chicago and Alton conductors, armed to the teeth. In the centre 
 they drag Arac, Guron and Cynthius, chained together?) 
 I L D. — ( Coming down. ) 
 
 B' 
 
 P 
 
 R 
 
 Some years ago. 
 No doubt you know 
 (And if you don't I '11 tell you so). 
 You gave your troth 
 Upon your oath 
 To Hilarion my son. 
 A vow you make 
 You must not break 
 (If you think you may, it's a great mistake), 
 For a bride's a bride, 
 ■ Though the knot were tied 
 At the early age of one ! 
 
 And I'm a peppery kind of king. 
 Who's indisposed for parleying 
 To suit the wit of a bit of a chit. 
 And that's the long and the short of it ! 
 
 RINCESS — {Lrresolutcly — the girls 7neanwhilc look tuith loving eyes at the con- 
 ductors.) I still refuse ! 
 
 (Arac, Guron and Synthius come down.) 
 
 RAC- 
 
 We may remark, though nothing can 
 
 Dismay us. 
 That if you thwart this gentleman 
 
 He'll slay us. 
 
ITS RESULT. 
 
HILARION I SURRENDER. 
 
r^ URON- 
 
 (together.) 
 OYNTHIUS- 
 
 A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 We don't fear death, of course, were thoiiglit 
 
 To shame it. 
 But still, upon the whole, we thought 
 
 We'd name it. 
 
 Yes ! yes ! Better perhaps to 
 Name it. 
 
 This gentleman controls a Line — 
 
 A stunner. 
 With splendid bed and track as fine — 
 
 A hummer. 
 We hate his line, but still we must 
 
 Propound it. 
 The Alton is a line to trust — 
 
 Confound it. 
 
 Yes ! yes ! In spite of that, confound it 
 
 We wish its trade was light and slack — 
 
 It isn't. 
 Its service bad, with moldy track — 
 
 It isn't. 
 But give to Caesar what is due, 
 
 Yes, rend it. 
 We really must, and strongly too, 
 
 Commend it. 
 (together.) 
 
 Yes ! yes ! yes ! Darn their eyes, 
 
 Commend it. 
 
 The Alton is a road, as such 
 
 None beat it. 
 St. Louis is a point they touch, 
 
 . Repeat it. 
 And if you doubt they'll get you there 
 
 You'll rue it. 
 For when they say they'll get you there, 
 They'll do it. 
 (together.) 
 
 Yes ! yes ! yes ! Devil doubt 
 They'll do it. 
 RINCESS— I still refuse ! 
 
 P 
 
A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 iJ^SYCHE— Madame ! your father claims an audience ; he has just followed 
 
 * King Hilderbrandt on the Denver Express. 
 C)RINCESS— Admit him. (^///^r Gama.) 
 
 /Tj AM A— Free as a tethered ass. I dare not keep this up. I dare not face 
 
 ^^ the malignity of this devil, Hilderbrandt. 
 
 IJ^RINCESS — He has treated you well, father. Even a wretched man, when 
 
 * he belongs to the Alton Line, is always a gentleman. 
 
 /Tl AMA— Yes ! yes ! But he has made my life a curse. Think of it, I had 
 ^^ nothing whatever to grumble at. 
 
 [song.] 
 
 The more I try 
 
 I can't deny, 
 Altho' I'm very spiteful, 
 
 I'm bound to say 
 
 The livelong day, 
 The Alton is delightful. 
 
 Now, when a man 
 
 Does all he can, 
 A rival line despising, 
 
 And in reply 
 
 They fete him — why 
 It's hard, there's no disguising. 
 
 Oh ! don't the day seem blank and long, 
 When all goes right and nothing goes wrong. 
 And isn't your life extremely flat 
 With nothing whatever to grumble at ? 
 
 When in a car 
 
 Above the par, 
 Officials are quite pleasing. 
 
 And when a line 
 
 You hate is fine, 
 It's surely very teasing. 
 
 They treat me well, 
 
 Ah ! what a sell, 
 I thought they'd be ungracious. 
 
 But not a bit — 
 
 They strained their wit 
 To make my thoughts fallacious. 
 
 Oh ! don't the day seem blank and long, 
 
 When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, etc., etc. 
 
AN IMPROMII 
 
V WEDDING. 
 
THIS TRAIN FOK 
 (HlC/\€)0 . 
 
 ■^ _ 
 
 
 
 ■ — 
 
 - 
 
 
 
 
 HILARION WELCOMES IDA TO THE ALTON LINE. 
 
p 
 
 A PAROD V ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 The Alton whirls 
 
 The pretty girls 
 From eyes that are repining. 
 
 And takes the best 
 
 Of travel West 
 In cars with chairs reclining. 
 
 A dining-car 
 
 Without a jar, 
 And coaches really tasteful. 
 
 A splendid track 
 
 Both there and back, 
 Now isn't that disgraceful? 
 
 Oh ! don't the day seem blank and long, etc., etc. 
 
 When off to bed 
 
 They gently led 
 Me to a couch bewitching, 
 
 I prayed they might, 
 
 At least, that night. 
 The holy train be ditching. 
 
 But fate was there, 
 
 We sped like air, 
 And nothing happened tragic. 
 
 And then I wept, 
 
 And then I slept, 
 And dreamt the line was magic. 
 
 Oh ! don't the day, etc., etc. 
 
 When morning came, 
 
 'Twas just the same, 
 There was my porter grinning ; 
 
 I called him Sam, 
 
 And muttered Dam, 
 He really looked so winning ; 
 
 I looked around, 
 
 And there 1 found 
 A car of pleasant faces ; 
 
 It seemed their bent 
 
 To be content. 
 In spite of my grimaces. 
 
 Oh ! don't the day, etc., etc. 
 RINCESS — Poor father ! how you must have suffered. 
 
A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA. 
 
 GAM A — Yes, my child, and the only thing to do is to surrender. We must 
 capitulate. I have often heard that opposition to the Alton line is futile, 
 and now I know it. 
 
 {Enter Hilarion. ) 
 
 I^RINCESS — Hilarion, I surrender. My heart was with you long ago, but 
 * my principles forbade it. Take me. 
 
 ^5 ILDERBRANDT — Then we will have an impromptu wedding. Everybody 
 ^^ who wants to marry everybody else can do so. ( The remark is a signal for 
 
 every girl in the party to throw her arms around the neek of the nearest eonduetor.) 
 
 6AMA — And take my advice, make your wedding trip over the Chicago and 
 Alton Line. 
 LL— We will. 
 
 K 
 
 6AMA — Hereafter, consider Castle Adamant yours. You may make it a 
 coupon station, if you please, and advertise it as a pleasure resort. 
 
 {The organ is heard ; a procession for?ned, and the entire party indulge in an 
 impromptu tuedding, after which the Chicago and Alton train for Chicago is boarded, 
 and everybody starts upon a trip, ivhich catmot but bring them happiness?) 
 
 Moral. 
 
 An ofificial of the Alton Road is irresistible. 
 
RETURN TO CHICAGO. 
 
THE RECEPTION. 
 
T\ 
 
 (^ 
 
 
 CHfLDKENINTrtF 
 
 ROAD THEY SHOULD 
 fOLLOVy, 
 
 SXDAL. CHART 
 VERSE, 1^. 
 
 CHICAGO $( ALTON RAILROAD. 
 
 OF «I»T OU»H. I 
 
 TWENTY YEARS' LATER. 
 
Chicago & Al ton R. R. 
 
 N0 CHANGE 0F GARS 0F ANY GLASS 
 
 Chicago 
 
 Chicago 
 
 Kansas City. St. Louis. Kansas City 
 
 Union Depots in Chicago, East St. Louis, St. Louis and Kansas City. 
 
 St. Louis 
 
 NO OTHER LINE RUNS 
 
 Between CHICAGO and KANS.AS CITY, CniCAGO and ST. LOUIS, and ST. LOUIS and KANSAS CITY. 
 Meals equal to those serred in any flrst-class hotel, onjy 75 cents. 
 
 The only Line running a sufficient numher of Elegant and Comfortahle 
 
 PALACE RECLINING CHAIR CARS 
 
 ; Free of Extra Charge, in all its Through Trains, Day and Night, Without Change, to accommodate 
 ..i_^ all its patrons. 
 
 Pullman Palace' Sleeping Cars and Pullman Palace Buffet Sleeping Cars 
 
 THE FINEST, BEST AND SAFEST IN USE ANYWHERE. 
 
 The BEST and QUICKEST ROUTE from CHICAGO to and from MEMPHIS, MOBILE, NE'W 
 ORLEANS, and all Points South via St. Louis. 
 
 THE SHORT LINE TO AND FROM 
 
 Missouri, Arkansas, Texas, Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, Mexico, 
 Arizona, Nebraska, California, Oregon, Washington Territory, Etc. 
 
 THE GREAT EXCURSION ROUTE BETWEEN THE NORTH AND SOUTH 
 
 AND TO AND FROM 
 
 Kansas Lands, and Colorado, New Mexico and California Health and Pleasure Resorts 
 and the Mining Districts of the Great West, 
 
 For Tickets and information apply at any Coupon Ticket Office in the United States and Canada, or to 
 JAMES CHARLTON, General Passenger and Ticket Agent, 
 
 210 Dearborn Street, near corner Adams Street, Chicago. 
 J. C. McMUZZiy, Vice-President, Chicago. C. H. CBAPPELIj, General Manager, Chicago. 
 
^-^' / NoChaiigeofCarsofanyCrassS^^^^^ 
 
 - / \ m m ' ^"^"^ I AND ■ ' ^3,_^vi« 
 
 5r^"7A^wo Trains a Day Each Way Between i St. Louisa Kansas City. y^S^0\ 
 
 ,y'^i^<:'wr^^:^/c^i^^SimrbfS^^ 
 
 Tdlono / 
 
 
 7* Ottawa /Zl/ ^V^/el«'f,7/V''-^'"''J^^TX C-Jt^"'!!!'^ « n vN^^^-'^-ySi^i^r^'i^^Mr ^^^^^ 
 
 Za\Cijgne /Windsor 
 
 3urlingtop /=• JpEljasanton ^^^'^„ 
 
 
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 J>efianc. \ / lola I ^1'^^-^^ S^ell Cify 
 
 Chanut^/? /^l-to^t Scott znan3,JSrcWa71y Ji Co.,i:ngr;.Ch 
 
 
 »6'«>>^ Cuba 
 
 JioTla. 
 
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 'ercyX "Qu 
 
 
 Chicago & Alton R.R. 
 
 rAe Pioneer Palace Reclining Chair Gar Route. 
 
 The Pioneer Palace Dining Car Route. 
 The Pioneer Pullman Palace Sleeping Car Route. 
 
 Two Trains Daily, Sundays Included, 
 
 Between Chicago and Kansas City and 
 
 Between St. Louis and Kansas City. 
 
 LIGHTNING NIGHT EXPRESS DAILY, SUNDAYS INCLUDED. 
 
 NIGHT EXPRESS DAILY, SUNDAYS INCLUDED. 
 
 DAY EXPRESS DAILY, Sundays Excepted, between 
 OmCJLOO ^UNj-z) ST. HiOTJIS 
 
D8^7 
 
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