522^ A -V-"' *. LI B R.ARY OF THE UNIVERSITY Of ILLINOIS 825 W522r v.l J Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2010 with funding from University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign http://www.archive.org/details/infidelfather01west I cWiJ',]^ 'd THE INFIDEL FATHER; BY THE AUTHOR OF A TALE OP THE TiiK£5»" " A GOSSIP'S STORT.,'" &c. IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. I, Oh the dark days of vanity ! when here How taftelefs, and how terrible when gone! Gone ? they ne'er go; when part, they haunt us dill; The fpirit walks of every day deceas'd, And fmiles an angel, or a fury frowns. Young. LONDON; PRINTED BY A. STRAHAN, PRINTERS-STREET, FOR T. N. LONGMAN ANU O. REES, PATBRNOSTER ROW. -)■ I CONTENTS. \ Introduction. • . x ^ CHART. vQ Af.w Words from Mrs, Prudential r preffed TH2 INFIDEL FATHER. 37 preffed his impatience to tafte the fweets ofdomeftic happinefs, and begged for an early day. I verily believe the "^ fweets of do- " medic happinefb" to be fomewhat of the fame fpecies of fruit with the apples of Tantaluv^ ; for I have obferved, that- thofe who are moft impatient to obtain them rarely find their longings gratified- The honey-moon had fcarcely waned be* fore Jones had reafon to doubt his own penetration. Storms obfcured the luflre of the bride'^s countenance ; he faw with aflonifiiment that fhe could frown, and he heard with terror the endearing phrafe of " Jufl as it is agreeable to yoa " fir," changed into " indeed, my dear, " it ?nu/l be fo.'* Determined to main- tain his juft rights, Jones remonftrated, talked of gratitude, artifice, and ufed a few other ill-founding words. But, horror on horror ! he now difcovered that the lady was a wit, (killed in argu- ment. 33* THE INFIDEL FATHER. ' ment, well read in books, and particiu larly happy in pointing a retort. What in this cafe could the poor huf- band do ; out-talked in every argument, and even left little hope of fuccefs if he had recourfe to more violent meafures ! for his diminutive fize and llender frame could not make any powerful ufe of tht Jiick^ which it is aflerted (I know not how juilly) the law of the land per- mits the huiband to refort to in cafes of great emergency ; and the caufe of the X weaker fex was in this inflance defended by a fair Amazon, whofe figure, voice, and look, when fhe armed for combar, announced the confcious Thaleftris. The little body of Mr. Jones contain- ed however a mighty foul ; and if he had belonged to a club, I do believe he would have come off vidtorious : but as, unhap- pily, he never thought of that grand ' ally for refradory hufbands, he could only apply to a folitary bottle, which he found THE INFIDEL FATHER. y) found of little ufe ; for in the fame pro- portion as it raifed his fpirits to the point of magnanimity, it deprived his tongue of the power of utterance ; and a very 'valiant man who can neither (land nor fpeak, may as well be a coward. But what was flill worfe, the next morning, during the period of naufea and head- ache, his faithful confort conftantly at- tended, and plied him with water-gruel and mortification in equal quantities. Harafled by contefls in which the enemy gained frelh ftrength, Mr. Jones at length founded a parley. The fair vic- tor refolved only to accede to fuch terms as ihould cut oflF the pojftbility of all fu- ture refiftance, and determined not to be contented with the conditions that all prudent girls exped when they marry old bachelors. Befide getting rid of all the old fervants, old furniture, and old cultoms, (he required him to make a total furrender of himfelf, his family, and 40 THE INFIDEL FATHER* and fortune. She reminded him of the honour done him by a perfon of her tafte and judgment, and fhe thundered in his ears the modern difcovery, that the fceptre of government belongs to whichever fex pofleffes fuperior under- ftanding. I am not fpeaking of that fymbol which is adorned by the dove and olive branch, fince that fometimes Jlides unobferved into the hand of real gentlenefs, bur of the infignia of real abfolute undifguifed dominion, *' Nature, my life," faid this endear' ing creature, " has not given you that dignity and difcernment which will en« title you to take the lead. I confider your comfort, love, when I aflure you^. that you will only puzzle your poor head by thinking about what you never can comprehend. You mufl: let me do as I pleafe, and depend upon it V\\ make you a man of confequence." A remon- flrattce of this- kind, delivered with a fwing THE INFIDEL FATHER. 4I fwing of the right arm, was certainly uiianlwerable, and Mrs. Jones became " King, Glamis, Cawdor, all 1*' - I will not minutely defcribe the revo- lution which followed in Mr. Jones's appearance, manners, houfe, and family ; nor will I enlarge upon the comforts which his lady's fuperintendence be- fiowed upon him. As he mud know what they were, I dare fay he properly appreciated their value, I (hall confine myfelf to one improvement, in which her genius (hone forth with full brillian- cy. Among the many difagreeable changes incident to this lady's change of fituation, her new name feemed iiiofl: intolerable. It is true, Muggleton had nothing very muHcal, or very fonorous in its cadence ; but it was dillinguifhed by three fyllables, and with fome pretty appellative, fuch as Catherina, before it, it did not look unrefpedable at the bot- tom of a letter. But a vile plebeian ' n:iono- 42 'S!HE INFIDEL FATHER* monofy liable, the conftant aflbclate oF Newgate calendars and ridiculous (lories,, plain Jones, and nothing but Jones, was infull^erable. She really wondered how (lie could in a iveak moment confent to be called by this degrading term. In the midft of her defpair, my quon* dam friend recolleded many happy in- fiances of fuccefsful geniufes, who had pruned or amphfied their family names, till the mod barbarous and vulgar ac- quired a genteel orthography. Nothing fliort of fuperlative (kill could make any thing of fuch an unpromifing compo- fition as Jones ; but what will not tafte and induflry atchieve ? She refolved to vifit the humble village in which her hufband firft faw the light, and where his family had long refided in contented obfcurity, unagitated by the anxieties, which dedroyed the repofe of their more opulent but lefs happy defcendant. The regifler, the parifii writings, werg fearchedl THE INFIDEf. FATHiiR. 43 fearched in vain. It was Jones handed down from father to fon. Jones churchwarden was painted in yellow ochre on the church wall, and no va- rious readings occurred. Nay, as if Fortune was in her worfl: mood. Dame Jones's receipt for a plumb-pudding, and Madam Margery Jones's eye-water, were preferved by oral tradition, and perpetuated the remembrance of the name and family. But in an obfcure corner of the church-yard, a mutilated grave-flone revived my heroine's hopes. It was ereded to the memory of John Joan, hufband of Fraz Joan of that parifh ^ and, though it only proved the incor- reftnefs of the engraver, the lady's vivid imagination inftancly fuggefled that this abbreviation of Frances mud meaa Fitz. The clerk, who was alfo fexton^ and fchoolmafter to the parifh, convinced by weighty arguments, confirmed the dif- covery j^ 44 THE INFIDEL FATHER, covery ; and as the words might be mif- placed, or an a fiibftituted for an h, it was plain that Jones was a corruption of Fitz-John. To confirm this fuggeftion, my friend next vifited the dwelling of her huf- band's anceftors, and found indifputable maiks that it had been a baronial re« fidence 400 years ago. She magnified a ditch into a moat, transformed a pigeon- houfe into a watch-tower, and immor- talized the depredations of the rats by afcribing their injuries to the aflfaults of battering cannon, when the caltle was befieged during the baron's wars. A circumffance which had juft occurred enab'ed her to embellifh her tale with an epifode, which always accompanies the defcription of a caftle, I mean a ghofl. A belief that the old hall was haunted was very general ; and, though it originated in the waggery of fome idle boys, who had exhibited a candle in the . . Ikeletaa THE INFIDEL, FATHER. 45 fkeleton of a horfe's head of an evening, this inventive genius brought out a re- nowned Sr Walter, armed cap-a-pee,who flalked nightly round the ancient bounds of his demefne, carrying in his hand the head of Ragodium Logdum, a furious Scandinavian chief whom he had killed in fingle combat. The circumftances of this rencontre, fhe obferved, were preferved in the village ; the ghofl, fhe owned, with a fmile, was, fhe believed, the addition of well-meaning fuperftition, grateful to the memory of a deceafed benefador, and not likely to impofe on an enlightened underftanding. She, however, took care to alter and ad- juft its drapery every time that fhe told the tale, till at lafl: fir Walter made as terrific an appearance as any phan- tom whom the magic fkill of my fair cotemporaries has called from its peaceful grave within thefe laft twenty years. 15 Soon 46 THE INFIDEL FATHER. Soon after Mrs. Fitz-John returned from this excurfion, her hufband was elevated to the civic chair in the ancient and honourable borough of W and, as if it were determined that grandeur Ihould precipitately reach its zenith, Mr. Mayor was changed into Sir Peter, in confequence of his carrying up an ad- drefs to court. Nothing now was want- ing to crown the cup of connubial blifs but an heir, nor was that bleffing long implored in vain. Yet the birth of Mr. Artremidorus proved a frefh fource of humiliation to papa ; for when Sir Peter with all a parent's joy clafped the little fellow in his arms, and calling him a young ironmonger, protefted he would foon learn him the way into the ware-houfe, the delicate nerves of his mother were fo much affedled that (lie fell into hyfterics, nor could fhe recover till Sir Peter promifed that he Ihould be brought up quite a gentleman. 2 The THE INFIDEL. FATHER. 47 The following year produced a daugh- ter, and the chief difficulty attending the young lady's appearance was to find out a proper name for her. Nothing lefs than three fyllables could be en- dured. Cecilia and Geraldina were alternately thought of; but a chimney- fweeper calling his two daughters by thofe poetical titles in Lady Fitz- John's hearing, fhe determined to exercife her invention in the fabrication of a name that would bid defiance to plebeian ar- ticulation, and produced Melifandriania to the great difmay of Sir Peter, who re- gretted that his children's long names made it impofTible for him to be fond of them. It has been long agreed, that the plea- fures of anticipation exceed thofe of poffefTion.. Lady Fitz-John afforded an additional inftance of the truth of this obfervation. Her houfe was new fur- niftied, her empire was undifputed, and her 48 THE INFIDEL FATHER. confequence as the firft perfon in W was too firmly eftablifhed to fear the infidious attacks of a rival. Yet the difplay of tafte, the exercife of power, and the affumption of confequence, were not fpecifics againil difcontent* Even the mufical found of " your ladyfhip'* ceafed to charm when it be- came familiar ; and fome other method of acquiring diftindion muft be reforted to, or the world would think her gone to fleep. Fafhion now opened a new avenue to fame 5 education became the whim of the day, and Lady Fitz-John re- folved to " out- Herod Herod" in the care of her children. No fooner was fhe relieved from her laft confinement, than fhe devoted her whole time to the perufal of fyftems of education, and to the converfation of literati. Even in this age of enlightened intelled, the number of thefe luminaries is not fo great as to permit a conftellation to THE INFIDEL PATHErt. 4§ to be vifible in every fart of the' hori* 2on, and the dull meridian of W— — * could only boaft one folitary ftar ; but then its fplendor announced it to be ail orb of the firfl magnitude. Every body at W , that is to fay all Lady Fitz. John's world, pronounced Mr. Babble to be a man of mod aitonifhing under- ftanding ; their jjeafons for thinking fo proceeded from his wearing a large broad-brimmed hat, a pair of green fpec- tacles, long flowing hair without powder, and from his confiantly contradicting every body. To this genius Lady Fiiz-John deter- mined to entruil " the hope and ex- peclation" of her illuftrious houfe ; and, having been told that education fliould commence with our exigence, and that infurmountable prejudices are formed, and tempers inc jrably warped, by cir- cumflances and nliSciations antecedent x.(S the childV runniiig alone, fhe refolved VOL. I. D to 50 THE INFIDEL FATHER. to prevent the bad efFeds which mufl: refult from the fyftems of ignorant fu- perftitious nurfes, by immediately fixing upon a domeftic tutor. She accord- ingly entered into treaty with Mr. Babble, x^ho from pure philanthrophy qonfented to relinquifh two fchemes that he was then profecuting ; to render the winds tradable and ftationary ; and to compound a chymical tindure which fhould fo operate upon the vifcera, as to annihilate anger and envy, falfely fup- pofed 7nental qualities, but proved by Mr. Babble to be mere angular and fpheroidkal particles. I fay, Mr. Babble generoufly abandoned thefe liberal ftudies to write the defired ideas on the blank minds of the young Fitz-Johns. For this eminent profeiTor of the fcience of education had brought his art to fuch perfeftion, that he only defired the pa- rent to let him know what charader he was to form, -and he promifed that his pupil THE INFIDEL FATHER. 5I pupil fliould exhibit It as exadly as blancmange does the fhape of the mould in which it cools. Lady Fitz-John's defires were chiefly limited to exterior advantages. She wiflied her fon to be very tall, very thin, and with fuch an air of high faftiion, that wherever he went people might fay, " There goes a gentleman." Sir Peter begged that a little attention to the main chance might be thrown in, but both his lady and Mr. Babble fcouted the illiberal fuggeftion. The daughter, of courfe, was to be very beautiful and highly accomplifhed. I forget whether either of the children were to have any real, intelledual, or moral qualities ; but they w^ere to pof- fefs that happy vcrfatility and enviable du£lility of character, which would en- able them to adopt the reigning fafhion both in mien and manners. Her lady- fiiip added with a figh, that fhe would D 2 have 5^ THE INFIDEL FATHER. have alfo requefted Mr. Babble to give her girl vwit, had fhe not found by ex- perience that a fuperiority of genius is incompatible with happinefs, efpecially when it is unequally yoked to the obtufe pericranium of imbecile inanity. Hov^r far her wilhes were fulfilled time will dif- coveiJ* ^ THE INFIDEL FATHER. 53 CHAP. III. Nccejfary to be read by all Mothers^ as it contains a Synopfis of Education on a li- beral Plan. • Modern philanthropy has been excel- lently defcribed under the figure of an allegorical perfonage, who is fo bufily employed in fearching for diftant ob- jects of diftrefs, that (he (lumbles over a pilgrim that came to folicit immediate afliftance. Mofl of the virtues of the fame fchool are fubjed to fimilar dif- tortions of intellecl j they are either en- grofifed by remote contingencies when they (hould be ading upon prefent cir- cumllances, or they are balancing be- D 3 tween 54 THE INFIDEL FATHER. tween two fuppofed duties whea one real one requires all their attention. The only domeflic in Sir Peter's fa- mily whofe intered had with flood the re- volutionary mandates of Lady Fitz-John, was old Eleanor. Her placid difpofition and the adive protection of her mafter, whoni fhe had nurfed when an infant, preferved her from the efFe£ls of that ge- neral reform which the new fovereiga had introduced^ Indeed her civil docile manner had fomewhat foftened her lady^s prejudices againft old lumber ; and ihe was at lad appointed to the vice- gerency of the nurfery, under a convic- tion that fuch a qidet creature would be all obedience and condefcenfion to Mr. Babble. To this good woman the little Fitz- Johns owed their prefervation du- ring their infancy, a period ahvays dan- gerous, even when theoretical philofo- phy does not ftep in to introduce the accumulated fuiierings of expermenU As THE INFIDEL FATHER. ^^ As Mr. Babble profe (Ted himfelf to be a materlaliit, his plan was to pinch and pare the minds of his pupils, in the fame manner as the Chinefe do the foot, till he had entirely expunged all the inherent vices ; he then propofed to faflen on the requifite virtues. But the difficulty was to make Eleanor under- Itand his fyftem. " Patience, temperance, moderation, and felf command," faid this great phi- lofopher to his humble coadjutor, " are nothing more than an arrangement of certain minute particles in the brain, which we call ideas. Now thefe atoms are (truck off that fubtle ramification of matter which is termed the fenfitive foul by the memory, whofe procefs may be aptly compared to the blackfmith's hammer flriking upon red-hot iron. You have ken the fparks fly ofl^, nurfe. I fuppofe thofe fparks refenible ideas, D 4 which, 5^ THE INTFIDEL FATHER. which, when concatenated or hnked to- gether in a chain by corroborating events, form habits, which are errone- oufly called virtues. You underftand me, nurfe?'' " Not very well, fir. Pray am I to take mafter and mifs to the blackfmiih's {hop ?'' " Phoo, that was an illuflration, a fi mile. Don't you know how to dif- tinguifh between a chain of argument and an illuftration ? This is a very ig- norant woman. Lady Fitz-Johri." " ExcelTively fo. One of Sir Peter's proteges. I keep her out of refpedl to his whims. Poor man ! he never is partial to any but great fools. But I think, inftead of attempting to explain your views, you had better lay down rules which fhe mull implicitly obey: She has juPc feaCe enough to do as fhe is bid." *« Well THE INFIDEL FATHER. 57 " Well, then, nurfe, when the chil. dren are hungry you are never to feed them." *' Good lack a-day, fir ! pray may I alk why not ?" " Becaufe that is the time for you to aflirt the memory in the fublime procefs that I have been defcribing. Fading will excite bodily pain ; and the more in- tenfe that pain, the more vehement will be the operation of the mind. The mere animal will be fubdued to the in- tellectual, or as 1 call it the fubtilized part of us ; and thus we fliall lay the foundations of thofe habits which I be- fore defcribed.'' " But the dear babies, fir, will cry themfelves to death/' " Let them. It is better to die young, than to live flaves to the appetite. The pafTions mult exhauH: themfelveS ; and man is an independent being from hit firlt exiflcnce. It is the very zenith of D 5 cruelty 58 THE IKFIDEL FATHER, cruelty to attempt to check any natural propenfity. On your peril, never at- tempt to pacify them when they choofc to give way to the natural ebullitions of feeling/* " Pray, fir, when am I to give them any viduals I'* " Whenever they do not exprefs any defire for ,food. For, you muft knov/ that eating is an acquired propenfity, and may, I am convinced, be eradicated in childhood. Cram a child when it loaths food, and its ftomach rejeds it. Indians can fubfift on a much fmaller proportion of food than Engliftimen. People in a fiege often cook old boots, and dine upon the covers of their arm- chairs. All habit you fee. Nothing is plainer than this fyllogifm ; ' The ftomach may be brought to retrench its ufual quantity of food ; the ftomach may be brought to digeft any thing ; therefore Dvhat we call food is not neceflary to animal THE INFIDEL FATHER. 59 animal life/ But let us only fuppofe that we could be taught to fubfill on one tenth-part of what we now con- fume, the earth would then be able to contain ten times its prefent (lock of in- habitants, and thus human happinefs would multiply tenfold. I hope your ladyfliip approves thefe dedudlions." Lady Fitz-John nodded aflent. To own the truth, Mr. Babble's ideas puzzled her almoft as much as they did Eleanor ; for fhe could not conceive that people of fafhion had any call for patience, moderation, temperance, or felf- command. But as the flarving fyftem pro- mifed to make Artremidorus elegantly dim, and Melifandriania fweetly fair, fhe ordered Eleanor to remember that fhe did not wifh hers to be red, vulgar-looking children. After this hint (he took up a book and fixed her attention on her morning fludies^ B 6 Eleanor 6& THE INFIDEL FATHER, pleanor curtefied, wiped away a tear, and was hurrying away to efcape from hearing any farther injunftions. '« Stay I" exclaimed Babble. " My fyftem attends to all the minutiae of edu- cation. You muft early accuftom them to have their hours of reft interrupted. Once at leaft in the night, when they are in the moft profound fleep, take them out of bed, (hake them till they are wide awake, and, to fhew them that you are not "exercifmg any capricious tyranny, but merely ading the part of a prefcient friend, give them their favourite play- things.** " O, fir, they never will like them at fuch a ftrange unfeafonable hour." " Yes they will, unlefs your erroneous conduct has taught them caprice; for what a reafonable being prefers at one time it will at another. Therefore, if they then refufe their toys, it will be evi- dent that it was a chimerical attachment which THE mPIDEL FATHER. 6t which made them ever feem fond of them, and therefore do you break and burn their playthings immediately." " What mud I do with the chil- dren r " Argue thus : I have now convinced you, by experience, of a truth which ignorant inftrudors would only have defcribed to you in the faint fhape of abflracl reafoning. You are feeble and ignorant. Your taftes are not formed, your judgments are premature, what you admire at one inftant you " " I beg pardon for interrupting you, fir ; but how can I make them hear what I fay ? Why, they will be fqualling as loud as they can allthetime." " If they will not liften to reafon, you may put them to bed again." Eleanor was rejoiced at this permif- fion, and afked leave to withdraw. " Not yet," refumed the orator. '' Every other day do you pull off th^ boy's 62 THE INFIDEL FATHER. boy's fhoes and ftockings, and force him to run half an hour on the roughed gravel-walk in the garden. " Mercy upon us! Pray, fir, won*t the flints cut his poor little feet ? " I mean, that they fhould. Your objedions, woman, prove that you are deeply verfed in that falfe fyftem which has corrupted the human race, by being coercive where it fhould be lax, and lax where it fliould be coercive. Re- vere my lenity that I do not command you to accompany the child barefoot yourfelf ; for I conceive that a tutor ought to do every thing which his pu- pils do, to convince them that he is not unjuft in what he requires. " If 1 might but know why little mafter is to be ferved fo — ^'* " For once, nurfe, I will condefcend to enlighten your underftanding. Sa- vages have a much greater command of the mufcles of the feet than the inhabi- 3 tants THE INFIDEL FATHER. 6j tants of countries falfely called civilized. Inftead of our abfurd cuflom of bracing up the ligaments, they fuffer them to expand, and thus the toes acquire a pliability and eladicity equal to our fin- gers. If Artremidorus perfeveres in this pra6lice he may be able to write, paint, draw models in architecture, plane wood, and even perform the labours of the forge with his fQct, almofi as well as ordinary proficients do with their fin- gers. Befide the improvement which the liberal aits mud receive from the aid of frefh organs, confider what an important acquifition it mufl: be to the boy to be able to ufe his feet in cafe ac- cident fhould deprive him of his hands. Or, if a revolution takes place, being ufed to go bare-foot he will not regret the want of fhoes and (lockings \ and if my fyftem comes to be univerfally adopted, leather may be appropriated to its original purpofe of human fub- fiftence. 64 THE INFIDEr FATHER. fiftence, and fold in the flefli market like tripe, inftead of being perverted to the ufes of luxury. " As to your objeflion that the gra- vel will cut his feet, I afk why fliould his feet be lefs perfectly modified than the pure Californian's, or magnanimous New Zealander's. But, granting that he be wounded, he will then become acquainted with pain, and pain is a ne- ceffary evil. Though I forbid all fadi- tious reftri£lions, though I command you never to bid the children do fuch a thing, nor to tell them that they ought to be good, I mean that they (hould bow to nece/Iity." " I cannot think, fir, that mafter and mifs can be governed even as you or- der, unlefs I tell them they muji mind what I fay to them." " Abfurd! I believe the chaos of your linderftanding can never be ar- ranged in due order. My fyftem of go- 9 verning THE INFIDEL f^ATHER. 65 vernmg confifts in not governing at alL You are only to teach by adion, ex- ample, inference, and circumftance. Suppofe you wifhed to prevent them from cutting themfelves, how would you pro- ceed ?" " I would tell them not to touch a knife.'' " Then you would impede their na- tural liberty, and weaken the power of experience. A child would argue thus.: * You do, why may not I ?* and he would argue juflly. Never ufe a knife your- felf, nor let them know that there is fuch an implement.'' '• But if by chance " '* Then if by chance the boy gets a knife you muft let him ufe it as he pleafes. You can have no right to re- ftrain the actions of another : he will cut himfelf, blDod will flow ; he will feel pain, he will be terrified : memory will ft r ike oE- fome particles from our fub- 66 THE INFIDEL FATHER. fubtilized matter ; thofe particles will concatenate, a habit will be engen-^ dered, and by this fimple procefs he will in future avoid knives.*' Eleanor fhook her head, but did not at- tempt a reply. " Proceed in this manner," conti- nued the triumphant orator, " in what- ever you would have him perform, as well as in whatever you wifh him to ab- flain from doing. If you wifh him to* go to bed, fliut him in a dark room, and do not let him out till he has fallen a- fleep. Or, when the clock ftrikes a particular hour, drag him up flairs, and tell him it is not your own will, but that the clock binds you both by ne* ceflity. if he refifts being dreffed, which I conceive natural to all who are not perverted by cuflom, indulge him ^ith remaining in an unfophifticated flate, • till he feels that inconvenience from cold which makes him wifh for cover* THE INFIDEL FATMKF4. 6/ covering. If in the interim he catches an intermittent fever, more fcintillations will be produced from the memory. I (hould even rejoice in a hedic, becaufe in proportion as that debilitates his frame rocolledion will increafe his men- tal energy. — I (hall clofe my prefent Icclure," continued the eloquent Babble, *' with one inftrudion refpeding the girl. Throw her into a ciftern of water every morning.'* *' Dipping is a fine thing for chil- dren," returned Eleanor, rejoiced at hearing one injundlion that accorded with her own fentiments, " My views," refumed Babble, " ex- tend to remote contingencies. I mean that fhe (hould be taught to fwim, and for that reafon you are to let her re- main in the water till (he is nearly ex- haufted." The aflonifhed Eleanor here lifted up her hands and eyes. " There a THE INFIDEL FATHER. *' There is but little danger in this ex- periment/' continued Babble calmly. ** Nature, all- wife inftruflrefs ! will foon dired her infant limbs tothofe movements that will enable her to float upon the wa- ter, and thus before (he is fufceptible of fear (he will inftinclively acquire an art that may preferve her life. In the pearl- fifheryand on the coaft of Terra del Fuego women make the mod expert divers. In the South Sea iflands they glide from rock to rock like fea-nympbs, and fport amidft tornados and hurricanes. la Greenland they accompany their huf- bands in their boats, foothing their lal^ours with their foft fociety, and partaking both of their labours and triumphs. Whe- ther their bodies gliften with train oil,, or whether meandering lines of tattoo diverfify their tender limbs, whether their perforated nofes admit the pointed iifh-bone, or their ears are lengthened by wooden wedges, thefe happy females, unreftrain* THE INFIDEL PATHER. 69 unreflrained by our voluptuous ideas of decorum, pradife this graceful agile art, which I hope foon to fee the fiavourite accomplifhment of the Britifh feir." " It may do for Blacks, and Turks, and Heathens," exclaimed Eleanor, whofe placidity was not proof againft this laft injun. quits a fure and lifting recompenfe for fohcitude and difappcintment. Lord Glanville's hif- toT^r is defjgned to exemphfy this ob- fervation ; he purfued fame by indired courfes, and he reaped difappointment. Pope accufes oar malter-paflion of the voracity of " /wallowing up the reft." I rather think that it is merely a tyrant, who tries to impofe chains which the refractory flaves often refift, and that " man's little kingdom fuffers then the nature of an infurreclion." Vanity is faid to be incompatible with love ; yet during the early period of his life Lord Glanville's heart was fuffi- ciently touched with the tender paflion H 3 to 150 THE INFIDEL FATHER. to facrifice the views of ambition to the feelings of the heart. No future ef- forts, though unreflrained by refpedt for human fanctions, or by reverence for divine laws, could difiblve the fatal contradt which virtuous beauty induced him to form with Sophia Aubrey, be- fore he attained the age of emancipa-^ tion from parental control. Her hum- ble fituation, that of a milliner's appren- tice at Oxford, attraded that herd of admirers who efleem themfelves licenfed to infult modefty and to corrupt inno- cence, when they find it deftitute of powerful prote6tion. But to the bafhful lovelinefs of feventeen Sophia Aubrey joined the prudence of a more advanced age ; and fo well was her difcreet refo- lution of retiring from flattery and ob- fervation feconded by the vigilance of the perfon to whofe care fhe was com- mitted, that many a lounging gownfman fauntered away hour after hour on the broad THE INFIDEL FATJtIER. I5I broad pavement of the high-dreet, in fruitlefs hope of feeing the " goddefs of his idolatry," who like an eaftern queen continued invifible. I will here acquaint my young read- ers with fome obfolete maxims formerly in general ufe, though 1 believe now fo thoroughly antiquated that the recollec- tion of them is only prefer ved in old writings, and the chronicles of pad times. It appears from thefe records, that it was adually once thought, that re- tiredncfs, feclurion, and referve added to the power of beauty ; and that the heart of man ufed to be aiTaiied by fap and flratagem. " If you put the lordly creature on his guard," faid our great, great, great grand-mothers to their daughters, " you teach him to refift your power ; and if you do not carry his affections by fl:orm at the firfl: af- fault, your (Irength is fo much impaired that you cannot make a fecond attack. H 4 But 1^2 THE INFIDEL FATHER. But If at every interview you Jieai upoi^: hirn with the difcovery of fome frerti excellence, above all, if, inRead of avowing your defign againft his liberty, y nion, that the long narrative which I have given of Lord Glanville's married life is not very favourable to the fair Melifandriania's hope of a coronet ; and they will probably afcribe the earl's de- jection to a more rankling wound than the " bhnd archer" ever inflicted on amorous fixty-eight. Some circumftances, however, foon tranfpired, that feemed to favour Lady Fitzjohn's prognoftics. In the firfl: place/ his iordfhip certainly was remarkably attentive 230 THE INFIDEL FATHER. attentive to the whole family. He in- treated that Mr. Artremidorus would follow his game over his manors ; he took fnuff twice out of Sir Peter's box, with an excufe that it was fo excellent he could not refrain from being troubk- fome ; and he fo much admired her ladylhip's cabriole chairs, that he begged to know where he might order a fet like them. But to crown the whole, on being appealed to refpeding the fi- gure of a French dancer, who reigned the Helen of the day, he obferved that Ihe was the exadt prototype of Mifs Fitz- John. Her ladyfhip gave Sir Peter a lignificant nod, and could fcarcely re- frain from faying *^ There's for you,'* while Lady Caroline bit her lips, it was fuppofed^ from vexation. But this was not all. Soon after hi^ feturn to the caftle. Lord Glanville's me- lancholy evidently increafed, and he was obferved to devote a confiderable degree of THE INFIDEL FATHER. 23I of attention to the reading of fome pa- pers which he always carefully depofited in his cabinet when interrupted in the perufal. Lady Caroline's eye once glanced over the fuperfcription, and fhe plainly read " Letters from Mr. Brudenell." There happened to be an eminent fo- licitor of that name, whom it was fafhion- able to confult on the fcore of fettle- ments, and it was pojjible thefe letters might be on that fubjed. To make the matter flill plainer, his lordfhip one morning, inftead of hurry- ing to his (ludy, as was his cuftom after breakfafl, remained in the library ; and, by hinting to his daughter that he wifhed fhe would keep herfelf difengaged, foon gained an opportunity for private con- verfation. Lady Caroline confequent- ly, as foon as the company had with- drawn, placed herfelf in an attentive pof- ture, with her eyes fixed on the fuperb time-piece which was placed beneath the buft 232 THE INFIDEL FATHER. bud of Xenophon. A profound filence of one hour enfiipd, only inferruoted by his lordfliip's frequent fighs. None of my readers need be told i\i2iXfighing is afign of love. Lady Caroline had now recourfe ta her netting-box ; but Ihe laid it down on her father's beginning to hem, and requefling her to be attentive, and fhe again cbntemplated the ornaments of ths time-piece. At len'gth the earl fo far fubdued his taciturnity as to afk her if Ihe thought Glanville caftle dull. Her ladyfliip anfwered, "Sometimes;'* and all again was filent. " Should you," refumed his lordfhip after another paufe, " like a companion of your own fex, and nearly of your own age?" " It will depend," replied her ladyr fhip, " upon her difpofition, and the circumflances under which flie is intro- duced." « lam •iHi; INFIDEL FATHER. 2/j^^. " I am perfuaded, Caroline," re- famed his lordiliip, " that your long experience of my confidence and aiFec- tion has left you little to apprehend on i/jo/e points. You know that I have hi- therto facriftced my own peculiar wiflies to what I conceive to be your welfare with invariable generofity. If" the fcene fhould now change, if my own peace of mind — I mean if my own comforts— Pihaw, I cannot exactly explain myfelf— If the duty I owe to my family — I wonder what ails me, I am remarkably agitated this morning.'* " I do not wonder at it," replied I>ady CaroHne, who thought the above hints a Httle ominous of a mother-in- law. She then, with great fangfro'id^ obfeFved that the wind was eafterly. '• Indeed !" exclaimed his lordihip j- " then it mufl have veered two points fince I examined the weather-cock this- morning. I am always glad to have. thefe 234 THE INFIDEL FATHER. thefe fenfations accounted for. An awk- ward dizzlnefs, a ftrange palpitation "' " Very difagreeable fymptoms indeed at your lordfliip's age," obferved Lady Caroline with far^aftic emphafis. His lord (hip was one of thofe very wife people who '* fmile at no jeft." He sfked his daughter, if his friend Signior Pekzzo did not complain of a fluttering at his heart, and a difficulty of breathing, three months before he died. ^* Yes certainly," returned the lady* " And what did his phyficians pre* fcribe?" " Exercife and his native air. But they never mentioned a young compa- nion." " Yet he died, though I know he conformed exadly to their prefcription. Certainly the art of phyfic is loft. Its profeffors are mere coxcomical difpu- tants, and the lives of the human race are facrificed to the experiments of em- pirics. THE INFIDEL F^TTHER. P.35 pirics. They too recommended me to try my native air, and I mud own I think my cough lefs rigid fmce I came to Glanville caftle. I would have you fpeak ingenuoufly Caroline ; do my fymptoms of atrophy increafe ?'* " I rather think, my lord, you look paler." " Well, that is a good fign ; for my colour was heclic." " And fomewhat thinner furely." ** All favourable fymptoms ; that proceeds from my being lefs hydropical. My appetite too improves ; I relifhed a chicken yeflerday without any ftimulant. I am fatisfied with myfelf ; for 1 am con- vinced that it is only an eaflerly wind that has difordered me this morning." " Has your lord (hip any thing further to communicate ?" '' You mufl be fenfible that I have a pleafure in confidiag to you all my fe- crets. The liberal plan on which I have educated 236 THE INFIDEL FATHER. educated you has happily fubftituted atr enlarged reciprioGity of fentiment, in- flead of the contraQed bond of com- mand and obedience. When -I fay that I am in expectation of fome particular friends, 1 conceive that I enfure thetn fuch a welcome from you as will teftify how truly our minds are in unifon.'* It has been often obferved, that an adherence to fyftem not only benumbs, our intelleflual powers, but adually fufpends the free ufe of our bodily fa- culties. I am unwilling that philofophy (hould be deprived of the benefit of a re- mark which has been fo liberally affigned to the foie ufe of thofe who venerate the cufloms and the inditutions of pafl: ages- Lord Glanville had educated his daugh- ter in the principles of invefligation and independence, as explained by the neweft. commentary on ratiocination, and be' faw in her conduct an exemplifieation. of all his enlarged ideas. Now, as all my~ THE INFIDEL FATHER. 237 iiiy readers may not be gifted with thofc fcientific optics, which cannot only refufe to fee what is vifihle^ but aUb can dif- cern what does not exijl^ it may not be amifs to inform them of fome of the confequcnces which were to refult from the earl's ideas of education ; elfe they may be apt to difcover nothing in the preceding converfation, except that the earl was afraid of dying, and Lady Ca- roline afraid of a mother in law : where- as his lordfhip meant it for implicit con- fidence on his part, and the young lady for fympathetic acquiefcence on her's. Lord Glanville then intended that his daughter, though feminine in her per- fon, and attradive in her manners, (hould poflels a mafculine mind, and be in every refped fuperior to the little va- nities, weaknefTes, and terrors of her fex. Her tafle was to be corred, her judgment unclouded by bigotry, her temper unruffled by any ftrong paflions, all ^j8 THE INFIDEL FATHER, all her adions were to be guided by prudence, and virtue was to be the con- ftant inhabitant of her bofom. Not that humble virtue, which, confcious of hu- man frailty, looks continually to divine fupport, but virtue as exhibited in the beautiful vifions of Plato and other hea- then moralifts, ftern, undeviating, felf- confident, unrelenting, virtue; a qua- Kty which, if it ever exifted, is at leaft not congenial to the nature of frail, de- pendent man. As to her behaviour to himfelf, he propofed that fhe fhould comfort him for all his paft difappointments and for- rows. She was to be his friend, his confidant, his conftant companion. Her attachment to him was to be quite dif- tmdi from the ties of nature, becaufe fhe was to be inftru6led that thofe ties are merely the bond of prejudice. It was not to be the refult of duty ; becaufe duty implies obligation, and m«ft there- r fore THE INFIDEL FATHER. 239 fore be unfuitable to the nature of an independent, refleding being. — I (hall get bewildered in this maze of metaphy- fics if I proceed further ; and as I really do not underftand this icheme of filter- ing our feelings, I will only (late the ef- fects of it. After Lady Caroline's re- gard for her father had been purified from the fcum of natural affedion, and the drofs of filial duty, common obfer- vers could not perceive that any was left. When a recipe fails, we fhould not al- ways cenfure the phyfician. The com- pounder of drugs may be carelefs, or however fovereign the remedy, it may not fuit all conftitutions. I have been fo ferioufly alTured that the wifefl me- thod of ameliorating the human charac- ter is, to leave off the old way of dreffing and pruning it, and to let it (hoot out with unreftrained vigour, in the hope that it will produce a few nondefcript wildings '24'0 THE INFIDEL FATHER. wildings, that I have caufe to lament my own pertinacity, in preferring the well-flavoured fruit that early fubjuga- tion ufed to produce, to this fpecies of redundant vegetation, which is fo very prolific in leaves, and fo lamentably barren in ufeful produce. It is, doubt- lefs, owing to my ill-conduded education, which has given me a wrong aflbciation of ideas ; but I never can read a profound fyftem of inflru6lion, formed on the ba- fis of inherent independence and natural perfedtibiiity, without having Laputa's fages before my^eyes, and I fuppofe my- felf inveftigating the apparatus of the worthy who was trying to extrad fun- beams from cucumbers. But to' return to my narrative. From the above hints, the judicious reader will obferve, that it is pofTible that the converfation I lately repeated might in- duce Lady Caroline to dread her father's plans, and to diflike the friends whom 6 ^ Ihe THE INFIDEL FA-J^ER. 24I fhe was to welcome with fuch cordial fatisfa6lion. As no frefli addition wns made to the dinner-party except the Fitzjohns, flie began to afk hcrfelf if they could be the expee hand of nature as the tulip when it forms and fofters the offset. If, indeed, your predecefTors are wife and good, you owe them affection and reverence ; but if you pay that tri- . bute to the parent^ and not to the abflradl quality, THE INFIDEL FATHER* 245 qualirj^ you are an idolatrous ilave \o prejudice, and not a cahn admirer of what *' is perfect, fair, and good.*' Lady Caroline inherited her mother's vivacity, and was tolerably fuccefsful at raillery. The attack began during the defifert, by her fending a llice of pine to hei father, with a hope that he would eat it, as it had jull been recommended by Mifs Fitzjohn, for poflefiing the true Hefperian flavour. A gentleman of the name of Raymond, encouraged by a nod from Lady Caroline, informed Me- lifandriania that he had long furpefced her of being one of the fair guardians of thofe celebrated gardens ; but he ob- fcrved, furely fhe had ncgle^ed her charge in futfering the fruit to hQ Jlolen for the ufe of mortals. Lady Caroline, perceiving by Mifs Fitzjohn's unmean- ing laugh, that (he had already arrived at the end of her mythological k'now- M 3 ledge .246 THE INFIDEL FATHER. hdge^ reproved Raymond for undue fe- verity, by confounding a prefent to a very particular friend with a general breach of truft. Raymond and Lady Caroline, Jike Prince Prettyman and his taylor, continued to give hit for hit, to the amufement of the company, wh(f, befide the admiration which the wit of an earl's daughter muft always excite, did not diflike a little raillery at the ex» pence ef ignorance and affe£lation. Ignorance has, however, a peculiar method of defending itfelf j for while other people call out " A palpable hit,'* it generally joins in the fhout, fuppoling its adverfary to be wounded. Lady Fitzjohn was too well pleafed at ob- ferving every eye turned upon her daughter, to confider any thing but whether fhe fat in an elegant pohtion j and, being convinced that flie really looked pidurefque, Ihe complacently ob- fervecl THE INFIDEL FATHER. 247 ferved to the gentleman next her, that a fmile and a blulh always made young people look intcrejling, A look from Lord Glanville at lad compelled Lady Caroline -to relinquifli the prey which flie had now hunted into the reftlefs fidget of awkward affecta- tion. His lordfhip always thought qulz^ zIk^ an unpolice praClice, noways con- fiflent with the popular manners of ele- gant breeding. On fuch an important occafion he deemed it expedient to tref- pafs upon his daughter's natural inde- dependence ; and I mud obferve, that when his nod was given, it v/as quite as authoritative as that of Jupiter. We well know that Juno and Minerva, af- ter it had awed them into filence, began to fcold a3 fooa as they got out of the council-chamber ; and poor Lady Caro- line was only obliged to reprefs her fro- licfome humour till (he was fafe in the drawing-room. M 4 Pro- 248 THE INFIDEL FATHER. Profeifed wits are fo far ferviceable to fociety, that they compel the over-bearing snd the importunate to refped its infti- tutions. But there is a degree of folly, as- I have jud obferved, that is invulne- rable. Very little encouragement was fufficient to make the Fitzjohns exhibit In full flyle. Lady Caroline had only to name mufic, and Melifandriania fung and played ; or to talk, of grace, to make her fhew all her ballet fleps, flalk round the room in Italian majefly, or fix her- felf in fome Grecian attitude. If a po- pular poem was mentioned, Mifs Fitz- John favoured you with a trite quota- tion. No fa(hionable amufement or elegant ornament could be mentioned, but this verfatile genius gave you its hiftory, or defcribed it by fomething that file wore in her drefs ; concluding her obfervatioRS with the queflion of, " Is not it immeniely prepofTelung.'' " Wonder- THE IN'FIDIIL FATHER. 549 " Wonderful and magnanimous/' re- peated Lady Caroline, who, weary of playing otF a puppet that was too uni^ form to fhew her own addrefs, lolled liillefbly on the fopha, while Melifan- driania performed her tour of graces. " I protcft, Lidy Fitzjohn," continued fhe, " if had fuch a daughter I fhould be wretched." The fond mother flarted, and uttered an exclamatory " Madam !*' at this ob- fervation. " Aye, wretched," obferved the farcaftic eulogift ; " for only think what a treafure is intruded to your keep- ing i what fpirit ! what infmite beauty ! what immeafurable attractions I I expert to hear of the revival of chivalry's heroic deeds. The very villages Vv^ill- fwarm with knights, and W fair will become a tournament. But, dear Mclifandriania, I hope you do not pour forth your agreeables thus unmercifully in ell companies. You fhould contrive M 5 to 250 THE INFIDEL FATHER, to look lefs lovely, or you inufl devote your reputation a facrifice to the fpleen of thofe forlorn damfels vi^hom you de- prive of adorers. But I believe that cau- tion is too late." " O lud, madam, you quite terrify me. What do the fpiteful creatures fayr " Don't be alarmed^ my dear ; merit xnuft have its Ihade to purfue it you know. Now, to prove that I utterly defpife all their rumours, and think you quite fuperior to mercenary conquefts, do let us have Lucretia dabbing her- felf in your beft ftyle, juft when Lord Glanville comes into the room. Nay, if you hefitate, I fhall fufpedt that yoa are particular in your views. ^^' There is a manner of alking a thing to. be done, which deprives us of the power of doing it well.. The lovely Melifan- driania had no objedion to give the eart a little caft of her powers in the fu- blirae y THE INFIDEL FATHER, 25 1 bllme ; but by touching a nelg^hbouring cord, o'.ving to her confu(ion at Lady Caroline's fuggeftlon, fhe produced the ridiculous. For though his lordfhip, on his entering the room, was defired to " Look," either from the lliortnefs of his fight, or from his being in a wrong fituation for beholding the whole con- tour, he unluckily fuppofed her to be pouring out the coffee, inftead of ading an indignant heroine ftriking the mor- tal ftroke, that was to clear her polluted honour and give liberty to Rome. While every one elfe, therefore, continued wrapt" in filent admiration, his lord- fhip, after politely thanking the young lady for undertaking a troublefome of- fice, declared, though it was a beverage he was not in the habit of drinking, he would not decline taking one cup from her. Nothing but a compliment from Lord Glanville could have fupported the Fitzjohns againfl the general laugh. M 6 The 252 THE INFIDEL FATHER. The fair performer was, however, fo cha- grined, that {he did not launch into the pi£lurefque any more that evening. When the company had all retired, the ufual the-ct-iete took place at the caftle. That is to fay. Lord Glanville funk into one of his filent reveries, and Lady Caroline, extremely well fatisfied with the part fhe had performed, fat planning frefli mortifications for her def- tined ftep-dame. She was roufed from a fcheme that promifed exuberant mirth,, by his lordfliip's telling her that her vi- vacity fometimes tranfgrefled the bounds of propriety. He admitted the purity of her intentions, and confirmed her full right to a6l as fhe pleafed ; and he protefled that he never would in the fmalleft degree fufpecl the one, or in- fringe the other : but he defired (and at that word he bent his brow with fome- what of Jupiter's majefty) that (he would remember he had fome weighty reafons for THE INFIDEL FATHER. 253 for caltlvating the frlendOiip of the Fiizjohns, and for difliking Raymond. Lady Caroline had been taug'ht that no intelh'gent being owed a tacit aflent to the aifertions of another, unlefs thofe aflertions correfponded with their own feelings and experience. In this par- ticular inftance the above criteria were in decided oppofition to his lordfliip's opinion. As the father's fentiments were involved in a long concatenation of circumftances, } choofe to difclofe the daughter's. She thought the Firzjohns vulgar, (lupid, and difagreeable, and jNIr. Raymond excellively amufmg. Poffibly (he might never have thouglic of the latter in any other point of view than as a perfon who helped to divert the tedium of rural retirement ; but, as her father had pointed him out as an objecl of his diflike, it was but an acl of moral judice to analize his cha- racler. Mr. 254 THE INFIDEL FATHER. Mr. Raymond then, fhe- allowed, was only the younger fon of a younger brother. The harder certainly was his lot. Nobody would have chofen fuch an origin ; but, as we are all creatures of neceflity, it was unjuft to reproach him with what he would certainly have wifh- ed to avoid. He had befide no profef- fion ; poflibly that might arife from the fuperior enlargement of his ideas, and his uncommon re£litude. He might have too much liberality and genius to fubmit to the drudgery of application. Could a capacious intelleft devote itfelf to the fludy of a part, when it poflefled capa- bilities to grafp the whole ? Could a foul confcious of inherent independence fubmit to be the mere machine of ty- rannous coercion, by joining thofe naval or military Haves who, renouncing all moral ideas of reditude and felf-govern- ment, trade in plunder and devaftation, fattening on the miferics of mankind? Could THE INFIDEL FATHER. SJJ Could he, confident with the feelings of humanity, (tudy the medicinal art, which muft compel him to wifli difeafe and mif- fortune to all his acquaintance? The fcience of law muft be ftill more abhor- rent to a mind that was probably ena- moured of the auguft vifion of natural right, antecedent to all arbitrary com- binations of the mighty to opprefs the weak. As to theological purfuits^ Lady Caroline's fentiments on that head muft be too eafily divined to make it neceflary for me to obferve, that (he confidered an aflent to fuch abfurd, felf-contradic- tory dogmas as thofe which the eftablifii- ment fupported, as fufficient of itfelf to degrade a character that had na other fault ; and her contempt for the clergy was confiderably increafed by her being perfuaded that not one of them vifited Glanvllle caftle, but from the diftant hope of getting a good living, or from the pre- fent enjoyment of eating a good dinner. 8 'Ti$ Q.^6 THE INFIDEL FATHER, *Tis true, the earl's hofpitable board was frequented by coloured coats rather more than black ones, and the charge of felfilh- nefs 7night be equally affigned to both ; but as the latter have long pofTefTed a prefcriprive right to the titles of epicures and grafpalls. Lady Caroline was con- tented with acceding to a generally-re- ceived opinion, and believed the neigh- bouring efquires were only influenced by a commendable love of good neigh- bourhood when they regularly attended at the cadle on all public days. But to return to, Mr. Raymond : though he was nominally enrolled in, the corps of idle men of fafhion, Lady Caro- line doubted whether he ought not to be confidered in the light of a gentleman of a very enlightened and philofopbical turn of mind. She paufed a moment, and I hen difcovered in his eafy addrefs and graceful perfon abundant reafons to confirm that opinion, and fhe refolved to look THE INFIDEL FATHER. 257 look upon him as a being of a higher order. With refpe*^ to Mr. Raymond's moral charadtT and eftimation in the world, (he knew no more of him than that he was received on an eafy footing in the bed families. This fometimes produces fervility ; but, in juftice to his independent charadler, fhe could noc but acknowledge that he never had aded like a parafite to Lord Glanville ; and (he was perfuaded that his lordfliip's diflike arofe from the manly freedom with which he had always fupported her opinions, in preference to htr father* s. Lady Caroline amufed herfelf with thefe conjeclures, and with plaiting her handkerchief into the form of Lady Firzjohn's turban, which fhe fixed over one ear of her Italian greyhound, tiJl it was time to retire. She had, however, given one inllance of that acquieicence with her father's wiflies which recipro- city 258 THE INFIDEL FATHER. city of fentiment could alone infpire. When the fervant brought in fandwiches, fhe ordered her carnage at an early- hour, faying that flie was determined to fpend a long morning with the dear Fitzjohns. The curricle reached Sir Peter^s foon after the family had alTembled to break* fafi, and in the midfl: of her ladyfhip's harangue on the adventures of the pre- ceding day. She had travelled through tlie 'oqfl round of Lady Caroline's pride, caprice, envy, and infolence, and had juft worked herfelf up to that degree of an- ger which indignantly drops proper names, and adopts the indefinite and fafe term of people. " If people," con- tinued her ladyfhip, " are not To hand- fome as other people, they need not give way to malice; for other peo- ple may eafily guefs people^s motives to prevent fomebody from ufing their own eyes/' As her ladyfhip's ftyle was more involved THE INFIDEL FATHER. 259 involved in obfcurity in proportion as her refentment increafed, it was a relief to her auditors to hear a carriage flop at the door. " What vulgar creature can be come fo early ?" exclaimed Lady Fitzjohn ; *' fomebody who has mif- taken the houfe for the ware-houfe I fup- pofe." " As I live," cried Melifandri- ania, " the Glanville livery.** <« Oh !*' continued the mother, *' doubilefs his lordfhip come to make apologies for his daughter's rude behaviour. Run love put on your (haw-coloured pelice, and blue obi. Here, John, take away thefe trumpery cups, and bring the Salopian tea fervice. No ! there won't be time, we will go without breakfaft. This comes of Sir Peter's faving fchemes. I would never ufe thefe vulgar things only he wears one io death about cecono- my." Lady Caroline's nimble foot almoft anticipated every alteration. She met ths a60 THE INFIDEL FATHER. the tea-tray at the door, or rather at the bottom of the flairs ; for John thought that rolling it down was the quickeft way of getting rid of the odious trum- pery for ever. Lady Caroline tripped lightly amidft the fragments, and was in the brea^fafl-room before Lady Fitz- John had pulled her wig ftraight, and given the Circaflian fold to her wrapper. Concluding that my readers are not fuch novices as to be furprifed at a little uncertainty in either firfl: or fecond-rate fine ladies, I fhall only ftate, that the ladies met almoft breathlefs with rapture, " Dear creature 1" " Obliging conde- fcenfion !'' '^ Impatience to fee you." " Thanks for hofpitality." " Kind at- tentions," and " Y)o come often," were poured forth with mod engaging volubility. Suppofmg fome of my young friends may like a little, further fpecimen of the '•* polire converfation of fenfible women" 1 will proceed : " But THE INFIDEL FATHER. 261 " But where is the enchanting Mell- fandriania, I hope flie has not taken cold. She maH: be in voice when (lie comes to the caftle. Lord Glanville is quite wretched till he has heard her fing." " Dearefl Lady Caroline, Melifandri*. aniais ** " Right, [o you told me. Oh my treacherous memory ! Well really this is a tolerably pleafant room. I did not think there was one fo good in W— . I vow it is almoft comfortable. But the view is horrid. Dear Fitzjohn, I wonder a woman of your tafte can en- dure thofe deplorable buildings. Down with them every (lone. Now if the river was turned, and the fouth flope planted with a few thoufand firs, it would be but a triflling expence. " " Oh it would -be charming ! But that is the town hall, and the market- houfe.'' 262 THE INFIDEL FATHER. *^ True, I make fad mlftakes whenever I talk to the monied inter^ft. But now I mud find fault with you, "What can be the defign of that gigantic book-cafe? It is neither Grecian nor Gothic." " I thought people always had books in their dreffing-rooms, to (hew that they read in a morning." " Aye, but you fhould put them into fomething flight. A pafte-board fhelf tied by twopenny ribbon, to hold a few hot prefTed poems for a lounge. Pofi* lively you mud: turn out that Gog and Magog machine, it makes my head ache to look at it. Pin up fome aquatinta views infiead of it, I'll choofe you an aflbrtment, and I would advife you to change them twice a week, 'tis fo fa*- tiguing to look at the fame thing long.*' " You are infinitely obliging." " Oh giving hints is' my forte* What, is this the cover of a fopha ? Good hea- vens 'tis a work bag ! Why dear Fitz- John, THE INFIDEL FATHER. 263 John, furely you don't dearn the coun- terpanes yourfelf. Three inches long and four wide is the inofl extreme fizc, and you never ought to have any thing in it but a knotting fliuttle, toothpick, and fmelling bottle." " I muft own, Melifandriania painted it laj} year." " Give it the houfemaid for a cradle quilt. But where is my little Hebe's Port-Feuille ? Views in Italy. Aye any thing does for Italy." " Connoiffeurs fay Melifandriania is very exa£l." " A terrible fault indeed. Nothing gives an air of tafte but dafiiing boldly. Look, if ilie deepens this out-line, puts a grey wa(h in the back ground, furls thofe clouds, groupes peafants, or inferts caftles, or Etrufcan ruins, or any thing that will make it unlike the original on that hill, then give a warm autumxial tint to the kndfcape. " "It 264 *^i-^E INflDEL FATHER. " It is defigned for fpring. '' I know it ; but always change the feafon. Spring obje6ls look prettiefl where one does not exped to find them. But I am in an amazing hurry, fo let me turn over her mufic. ' The Red-crofs Knight' and ' Sweet Bird that (liuns the noife of folly.' What a cathedral fe- ledion. For heaven's fake, let her get * Goofey Gander' and ' Tom Horner' immediately." " Lady Caroline !" " No creature minds the words, and the tunes are fo fimply fweet. The little fyren's plaintive tone would fuit them admirably. How I delight to afTifl her (ludies, and to communicate that air of faOiion that would make her irrefiiii- ble. How I regret not feeing her. Give her a thoufand loves, and tell her — 1 vow I have forgot my lord's meffage to her. But fhe muif remember the 1 3 mufic f THE INFIDEL FATHER. 26^ mufic ; I recommend Hmple melody, Goofey, Goofey Gander." Exit Lady Caroline, fingin^. Propitiated by the laft fpeech, Lady Fitzjohn in vain fliouted an urgent in- treaty that fhe would ftay till her daugh- ter came. Lady Caroline raifed the key till it reached the pitch of Lady Fitzjohn's voice, and, running down flairs, feated herfelf in the curricle. Then looking up with a gracious bow and inviting fmile, kiffed her hand to to Mifs Fitzjohn, who fini»hed her drefs time enough to be at the drefTing-room window jufl: as her ladyfhip drove ofF. " Lady Caroline is immenfely odd," obferved Mifs Fitzjohn. " Ye-s," returned her mother, " but I do think fhe has a good heart." " I v/onder whether (lie will be ton next winter," faid Melifandriania. " I fometimes think her a little de- ranged," rcfumed her ladyfliip. VOL. I. N " Oh 266 THE INFIDEL FATHER. " Oh that won't fignify. There was Lady Bell Brazen, and the Hon. Mrs. Dareall, and Mifs Frifk, did as flrange things laft year. Low people faid they were crazy, but the world allowed them to be ton^ and fo every body imitated them." " To do Lady Caroline juflice," faid Lady Fitzjohn, " fne does feem to wifli to cultivate an acquaintance with us. Did you hear her fmg ?" " Oh yes, and mademoifelle faid it was horrid. But, mademoifelle knows no- thing about what has been right thefe feven years. I think Lady Caroline will go off very well ; for the town wants new faces, and her figure is quite attic." As my readers have probably had enough of mere fafhion, I will introduce a little common fenfe in the next chap- ter by way of variety. "HE INFIDEL FATHER. 26j CHAP. X. The Repofe of the Cajile dijlurhed h^ Appearances as tremendous and por^ tentous as * the nodding Plumes at Otranto. For one fortnight Lady Caroline perfevered in her plan of oi)liging her father, and cukivating the frierKl- (hip of the Fitzjohns ; but, though the aptitude of her pupils enabled her every day td engraft fome new ex- travagance on the orizmal (tock of ab- furdity, (he grew vi^eary of heaping in- cenfe on ihe fhrine of vanity, and " hold- ing up a mirror to folly" in which it re- fufed to " fee its own likenefii." As a dejeunc, her neighbours were invalu- N 2 valuable ; 268 THE INFIDEL FATHER. able ; but the mind required more folid food than cntremeh ; yet the environs of Glanville caflle afiorded little to gratify the palled appetite of a philofophical epicure. Perhaps the converfation of Mr, Ray- mond was one exception to general fa- riety. That gentleman was conftant in his vifits ; and, though nothing could be cooler than the earl's general reception, he was one of thofe happy charadlers that can parry fcorn, and, wrapped in the confcioufnefs of its own worth, fit indulging the reveries of felf gratulation, while every body elfe is a(l:oni(hed at its impudence. Befide, though angry Ju- piter rofe in oppofition, a fofter planet fhed benign influence ; and a man muft be mote than a ftoic whofe apathy could refift the brilliant attradions of Lady Caroline Glanville. It cannot be expeded, that the mor- bid melancholy which preyed upon the earl THE INFIDEL FATHER. 26i) earl abated at his perceiving that the heirefs of his fortunes devoted her atten- tion to a man whom he confidered as little better than a knight of induilry. Nor did his fagacity afford a clue by which to direcl his own condudl. As native pride confirmed his ariitocratic predileclion for titles, rank, and con- nexion, it no lefs reTirained him from acknowledging that tlic principles by which he had governed his conduct were erroneous, as he mull do if he proclaim- ed to the world that " the hope was drunk wherein he drefled himfelf." Be- fide, if, contrary to all rule, paternal authority fliould interpofe, and forbid Raymond's vifit, was there a profpedt that fuch an interference would have a falutary influence over the lofty fpirit of his daughter ? He had plainly intima- ted his diilike ; and the confequence was, that Raymond had rifen confiderably in Lady Caroline's ellimation. He had N 3 encou- 270 THE INFIDZL FATHER. encouraged her to defpife prefcription, to think and adl for j;ierfelf3 and ever to bear in memory that well founding max- im, " The confcious mind is its own awful world 5" and he had caiife to ap- prehend that the reafon he had fo care- fully cultivated, would burft upon him in fomething like the following fplendid exordium. " You have taught me, that nature and feeling are ever right in their deci- fions ; and you wlfh me to obey the vi- tiated laws of cudom and general opi- nion. You have convinced me, that I poflefs inherent independence } and now you would inforce my fubmiffion to pa- rental authority, an abufe which you have often told me was derived from mifconception, fuftered by priedcraft, and fubmitted to by childidi inibecillity. You taught me, that ray it^ fhould purfue perfection by flrengthening our paffions at the expence of our vanity, and THE INFIDEL FATHER. 2/1 and now you require me to facrifice the nioft: exalted of the palTions, to what I eflecm the corrupt habits of foclety. Can your fentiments of Raymond, or even the opinion that the world forms of him, become a rule to meafure my percep- tions ? The many may fuppofe him a fwindler, a dangler, a fortune-hunter, a parafite, or a contemptible being who fubfilts on the nmnificence of others. We are not formed to fee obje6ls through the fame medium j and in the very qualities which you term vices 1 dif- cover the germ of whatever is great and good. You have taught me to fee and to judge for mylelf ; you have told me that by adopting general opinions I (hould become the flave of prejudice, and that experience never made any thing but automatons. Adhere to your own precepts. As a human being I owe you univerfal philanthropy ; nay I uill go further, I will be tender of your N 4 preju- 272 THE INFIDEL FATHER. prejudices ; but it is upon the condition that you refped mine. If not, all ties between us are diflblved, and hoflilities iTsu(l commence. My attention to the Fitzjohns is a facrifice to your humours ; comply with mine by fhewing civility to one whom I deem a kindred foul, or I mud inftantly alTert thofe inherent rights which you have convinced me I pof- fefs.'' As it is pofTible that the generality of fathers would not approve of fuch a declamation from any of their children, I mufi: advife them to reflect before they adopt the new fyftem of education. Its tenets are fo well adapted to fuit the per- verfe views of fallen humanity, that the hiimhleft talent may h(;pe to confront pa- ternal pertinacity^ with the weapons fur- nifhed by paternal /i?//)'. Surely, there- fore, it is advifeable, that we (hould be certain that the reafon we deify will prove to be right reafon, before we ac- cuftoni. THE INFIDEL FATHER. 273 cuflom our children to facrlfice every other motive of adion on the altar of in- fallibility. One evening Lady Caroline detained Raymond after the reft of the dinner company had gone home ; ojlenfibly from the motive of finifhing a long contefted game at chefs, \y\iX fecretly with the liberal defignof counterading her father's preju- dices. The earl, to whom the moves of the combatants were exceedingly inte- refting, threw himfelf in a chair oppofite, with his eyes fixed on his daughter's face, which was animated with peculiar viva- city. His reverie was interrupted by a a fervant's informing him of the arrival of two (Irangers, who announced thcm- felves to be iht friends that Lord Gian- ville had long expeded. The pallid hue of his lordfhip's countenance be- came inftantly changed to the deepeft fcarlet, which as quickly faded away. His whole frame trembled, and his fcarce N 5 articulate 274 THE INFIDEL FATHER* articulate voice could hardly order that the company fhould be (hewn into another room. He now again looked at Lady Caroline vAth fomewhat of re- proach mingled with afFedion. The feelings of the moment overcame habi- tual diffimulation, and he found himfelf compelled to acknowledge the weaknefs of humanity by fmking back in his chair- Lady Caroline and her companion haflened to fupport him. He defired the former to ring the bell, and on a fervant's appearing he bade him order Mr. Raymond's horfes. Raymond, with an air of fullen contempt, ftalked out of the room, while Lady Caroline, with an encouraging fmile, defired him to come again foon, and finifh the game* Lord Glanville dropped her hand at that moment, and uttered fuch a figh as evea roufed the compaffion of the fair ftoic,. who exprefled her apprehenfions that he really was unwelL th:e infidel father. 275 ^' Do yoa exprefs your hopes or your fears^V inquired the earl (lernly. " B!efs me, my lord !" replied the young lady, " you quite alarm me by that inquiry. I thought you ufed to pique yourfelf on the harmony, attach- ment, and confidence which fubfids be- tween us. Your lordfliip knows that you are confidered as the mod libei^l of fathers, and that all the world envies' me. If you give way to thefe melan- choly moods, you will ruin your tem- per, as well as your health ; and, inftead of being conQdered as a mqft agreeable man, you will be avoided like Dr. Chalkftone, the old gouty preben- dary.'* " True," replied the earl, with a ftill deeper figh, recolleding at that very inftant one of his own maxims, namely, " reproof is the foul of frlendfhip," though pcflibly he could have wifhed that his daughter had not adopted it, N 6 jufl 2^6 THE IMFIDBL FATHER. jufl: at the inftant when his foul was wrung by deep and incurable anguifh. He then began to accufe the infernal damps which had fo unhinged him, and made him fo nervous and languid, that he could not fee his friends that even- ing. " But you will do the honours, Caroline," continued he ; " they are people of great worth and refpe^lability ; and before you retire to your chamber ftep to my bed-fidfe and inform me how you like Mr. Brudenell — and his — his grand-daughter, and what they talk about/' Wondering at this unufual requeft. Lady Caroline was paffing to the door, when the earl again detained her. " You was perfe£lly right to alk Ray- mond to come again. I know we fee him in the fame light j but I was too rude ; it is, as I have heard you obferve^ impolitic to be rude to any one-'* «0,. THE INFIDEL FATHER, 27/ ** O, my dear lord, you are the very mirror of politenefs and condefcenfion. But may not I now wifh you good night ? I ihall difturb you if I come in after you have taken your draught." " I (hall not fleep to-night," faid the earl preiTmg his hand to his head, with a look that feemed to fay, " I have mur- dered fleep." " I really am unwilling to leave you," continued this affedionate daughter, as file turned round to fee if her father was likely to faint. *' Can't I be of the lead fervice to you," was her kind inquiry as (he held the door in her hand. " I fhall be obliged to you to fend Jer- vais to me," faid the polite father. " I mud go to bed ; be attentive to our guefts." " Certainly ; and I beg, that for my fake you will keep yourfelf quite quiet, and not think of them/' *' I can- ^78 THE INFIDEL FATHER. " I cannot help thinking^^ replied' Lord Glanville. I am rather afhamed to record all thefe breaches of rules and fyftems in a profefled aflertor of the abfolute volition of reafon, the mechanifm of habits, and the ideal diftindions of good and evil, I might, indeed, plead that Lord Glan- ville's health was really impaired ; bur, as mind ought always to be omnipotent over matter, I muft allow, that neither a damp evening, nor an eafterly wind, juftify him for thus furrendering the au- thority of fovereign reafon to phyfical caufes. I feel myfelf compelled to dif- appoint thofe hopes which my firil de- fcription of this nobleman may have ex- eited, and obferve, that philofophy has no right to accufe chriftianity of never producing a difciple who entirely lives up to its holy injunftions, till (he herfelf can^ fhew us a votary who executes her far inferior model of perfed-fair and good ; 8 of TKE INFIDEL FATHER. 279 of fulfilling her conception of thofe qualities in his private retirements, as well as when he a&s a parr upon the theatre of public obfervation. Lady Caroline was fo afFedled by her father's fituation, that fhe thought pro- per to fee Jervais herfelf. She charged the venerable old domeflic, who had lived with the earl from his youth, to be very attentive to his mafter, and if he faw any fymptoms of danger to inform her, that fhe might immediately fend for medical affiftance. She now proceeded to perform her hofpitable duties, a little wondering who thefe ftrangers could be whom her father was fo difpofed to ho- nour. She had jufl fet them down for odd beings, counterparts of the Fitz- Johns, when, on entering their apart- ment, fhe was received by a clergy m\a of a mofl: venerable, dignified afped, and a young lady whofe countenance befpoke aSo THE INFIDEL FATHER. befpoke an amiable and ingenuous mind. " Lady Caroline Glanville, I pre- fume," faid Mr. Brudenell bowing with the air of a man who had already feen fomething quite as wonderful. " Sophia, my love, I am fure you will be happy to merit the good opinion of Lady Ca- roline.'* The young lady advanced with mo- defl: grace, and prefented her hand, but withdrew it when fhe perceived Lady Ca- roline feemed fcarcely difpofed to fecond this familiarity. She alfo attempted to fpeak, but her voice faultered too much to fay any thing articulately. Lady Caroline's penetration had in- flantaneoufly difcovered in this young ftranger the companion of whom her father had formerly talked ; and, though fhe was not predifpofed to feel partial to his protegees, fhe almoft believed fhe fhould THE INFIDEL FATIIE.'^. 28 T fhould like fomething fo gentle and un- alTuming. " At lead/' faid ih2 to her- felf, " this girl feems free from afFeda- tion, and I fhould think her timidity indicates that fhe is of a good teachcable difpofition. She will do to play ofF againft: that deteftable Melifandriania. But it will not be amifs to fliew the poor thing a few of the advantages that refult from an education conducted upon an enlarged liberal plan." In compliance with this refolution, Lady Caroline now ru(hed on the fair flranger with open arms, and embraced her with an air of extacy. " I have been ftudying your countenance," faid fhe, " and the invefligation convinces me that you have an indubitable claim to the edeem of every beholder : Mifs Brudeneli will, I truft, allow me to rank myfelf amongft her warmejl friends." '« The mod difcerning," obferved Mr. Brudeneli with a fmile, " are liable to miltakes 282 THE INFIDEL FATHER. miftakes on fuperficlal information. You mull: at prefent call her Sophy Herbert ; and you muft permit her to claim your friendfbip as a reward for defert^ not as a gratuitous prefent/' Lady Caroline turned her eyes upoa Mr. Brudenell, and felt the refiedion of '' this is an odd old quiz" checked by the mild benignity of his countenance^ She was extremely inclined to defpife a man who had the audacity to give her a gentk reproof; yet flie could proceed no further tham to wonder where hg had fpant his tima, that hg (hould thus at- tempt to check the lively effufion of fpontaneous affed^ion. His elegant man- ners did not allow her to fuppofe that he had lived in entire feclufion \ and yet furely hh world muil have been very difiirent from that with which Jh^ had been acquainted. She now began to apologize for her father's abfenccj and was proceeding to- relate The infidel father. 28j relate all the circiimftances that attended his being taken fudclenly ill at the mo- ment their arrival v.'as announced, when ihe was interrupted by Mr. Brudenell's defiring PvLTs Herbert to walk to the window, obferving that her journey had overcome her. Lady Caroline itepped. forward to offer the young lady her falts, and perceived that fhe was in tears. All further offices of civility were prevented by Sophia*s defiring, in a manner too earneft to be merely common^place, that Lady Carolin^^ would inimediutely return to her father. " It muft be mifery," faid flie, " for you to flay with us, and we are too weary to be good company this evening. Permit us to retire to our apartments, I am furc his lorddiip mud wifti for your attendance." Mr. Brudenell eagerly, joined in this petition ; he even feemed fo indicate that duty compelled her to comply. " Thife are very extraordi- nary i:84 THE INFIDEL FATHER. nary people, indeed" thought Lady Ca- roline. At this indant Jervais appeared, with a requefl to fpeak to his lady. The flrangers only indiftindly heard what paiTed j but they caught the words^ " Somewhat better, and wifhes to fee your ladylhip for a few moments." " Nay then all ceremony ends this in- ftant," faid Mifs Herbert advancing to the door. " Indeed you muji go. I feel myfelf quite at home, and if you perverfely refufe me we will go to bed fupperlefs from revenge." A fort of playful conteft continued for a few mi- nutes between the ladies ; Caroline at length yielded, and called Jervais to fol- low her. Her fummons was again re- peated, while the old man flood rooted at the door, with his eyes rivetted on Mifs Eterbert's countenance. Now, left my readers fhould fuppofe that, by way of novelty, I am going to defcribe THE INFIDEL FATHER. 285 defcrihe an amour between an asfcd va- let and a young beauty, I here declare that Mr. Jervais's attention to Mifs Her- bert proceeded from a fentiment very dij}i/id from love. We will now attend Lady Caroline to her father's chamber. She found him in his night-gown and flippers, and per- ceived that he had thrown himfelf upon the bed, from which his refllefs anxiety again compelled him to rife. She in- quired after his health ; " Better," re- plied he with energy. " It is very kind in you Caroline to leave your friends to come to me. I want to know ^what you think of them ?" " It is impoflible for me to judge on fuch a flight viev/,** re- turned Lady Caroline. " But their perfons and manners ?" *' Extremely prepoOTefling." " Have you {ttn any body whom you think like Mifs Herbert ?'* « No, my lord." " I have 12^6, THE INFIDEL FATHER. *' I have heard that fhe has a llkenefs to our family. Do you perceive it ?" " Not in the leaft my lord. Is fhe related ?" " Diflantly," rejoined his lordfhip flatting from his chair, and walking acrofs the room. " But you think her pleafant ?" " From the very little I have feen, I fliould fay uncommonly fo.'' *^ I mean— it is my intention — I had fome thoughts — that is, if it is perfectly agreeable to you, that fhe fhould refide ^ith us in future. I fancied you wanted a companion." " You are infinitely kind, my lord." " But if you fhould have the leafl obje£lion — — " Lady Caroline faw many advantages in the fervices of an humble coufm, who promifed to be lively, obfequious, good-humoured, and was not hand- fomcr than herfelf. She would have em- braced THE INFIDEL FATHER. 287 braced the propoful with joy, had not her curiofity to know her father's mo- tives for making it fuggefted fome un- pleafant forebodings : but thefe were overborne by the feelings of the mo- ment ; and fne auf^vered that (he was fure fhe fhould feel happy in Mifs Her- bert's company. Lord Glanville prefTed her hand with a more tranquil air, and difmilfed her with an obfervation that he now fancied he could fleep. , Lord Glanville's reftlefs habits, how- ever, returned after his daughter had left him. He applied to his books ; but Hume was inharmonious and Voltaire dull. He now felt obliged to conde- fcend to converfe with his fervant, in order to avoid the infupportable company of his own thoughts. The filver hairs of Jervais, indeed, prefented a claim for confidence, and his refpedful manners proved that he would not abufe the fa- miliarity of his fuperiors. « Well 288 THE INFIDEL FATHER. « *Well Jervais," faid his lordfhip with an air of forced gaiety, " I fup- pofe the neighbourhood will foon begin to talk of the graces of Glanville caftle. Sir Peter's daughter is a fprightly bru- nette, Caroline is certainly tolerable, and our new inmate, the young lady who is jufl: arrived, is I am told a beauty. Have you feen her Jervais ?" « Yes, my lord." " And what do you think of her ? I fuppofe, like moft old fellows, you will fay {he is nothing to the Kitty Fells and Nancy Dawfons of your youth." " I (hould be forry, my lord, to dif- parage the young lady. I do think her handfome, very handfome, but Hot fo beautiful as a perfon whom I vaflly ad- mired feven and forty years ago." *' Aye! pray who was that?" *',I.beg your lordftiip's pardon, we will name no names if your lordfliip pleafes ) though the young lady is fo like 9 her. THE INFJDEL FATHER, 289 her, that at firfl I thought it was her rifen out of her grave." " I infill upon knowing whom you mean/' faid the earl rifmg. '' Then your lordfliip mufl: not be dif- pleafed with me. The pretty creature we ufed to fee at St. Mary's church when your lordfliip was firfl: entered at Oxford. They called her Sophy Au- brey." " Is flie like Sophy Aubrey ?" re- fumed the earl, dropping into a chair from extreme agitation. " Her face,** faid Jervais, " the turn of her countenance, her voice 1 fear your lordfliip is faint again - '* " No ; feized with a fpafm in my ftomach. Give me fome Noycan ; thefe curfed damps unflring my nerves. Re- member, Jervaisj when the Vv'ind is in the fouth-we(i:, I will drink three glafles of Madeira at dinner. I am better 5 leave me." VOL. I. o Jervais 290 THE INFIDEL FATHER. Jervais had reached the door, when his mafter called him back, to order him not to mention this circumftanceto thefamily. Jervais, fuppofing his lordfhip alluded to the fpafm in his flomach, replied, that Lady Caroline had given pofitive orders, that Dr. Merridan fhould be fent for if he had any return. *' What, to poifon me ?" exclaimed the earl in a rage. '' She knows that I detefl Merridan. I deteded his quack- ery, and now he hates me, and I make no doubt would kill me out of re- venge." " My lord, 'tis her ladyfhip's an- xiety " *' Aye ! true, her fympathy, her affec- tion. Right, Jervais. Caroline would be wretched if (he loft me. Go and tell her I am better — quite well — but hark not one word " " Muft I not own that your lordfhip has had another attack?" II " Fool—— THE INFIDEL FATHER. 29! « Fool I mean that M^ifs Her- bert is like Sophy Aubrey. It would excite unfavourable ideas, ftrange fufpi- cions." *' I do not underftand your lordfhlp." " How fliould you ?*' returned the earl, forcing a hollow fmile, as he recol- ledled that Jervals had never been the chofen confidant of his amours, and had too little natural impertinence to pry into his fecrets. " You mud coiifider," continued he, " that it is no compliment to compare a young lady of fafhion to a fempftrefs. That Oxford girl was a fempftrefs I think." " A milliner, my lord.'* " You are right : I forget thefe things : The opiate affeds my memory. But, Jervais, fhut the door, and come near me. I want to talk to you. How came you fo well acquainted with Sophy Au- brey V *' Your lordfliip fent me " 02 " How ?" 292 THE INFIDEL FATHER. " How ?" ' " Twice to the fhop, for parcels which you had purchafed, and the young lady talked to me in fuch a pretty affable manner " " Can you remember what it was about ?" *' Oh, my lord, I never fhall forget. About jour goodnefs to her old mother and her brother, the poor captain that was afterwards fo rafh, and ungratefuL The tears ran down her cheeks, and fhe clafped her lily hands while (he begged heaven to blefs you. She faid you was the beji of men. I think 1 fee her now." - « So do I," faid Lord Glanville, wildly fixing his eyes on vacancy, -and grafping the hand of Jervais with con- vulfive terror. " What can I do for your lordfhip ?" faid the faithful valet, who knew enough of his- lord's cafe, to have no depend- cnce on the Ml of Dodor Merridan. « Give THE INFIDEL FATHER. 293 " Give me a hundred drops of lau- danum/' faid his lordfliip in the mourn- fal accents of defpair ; " and if that do not relieve me nothing will." We will leave the earl to enjoy the feverifh repofe of forced forgetfulnefs, and attend the retirement of Lady Caro- line. The events of the evening con- fiderably affedled her ; ^ and a conver- fation which fhe had jufl had with the Brudcnells rendered her equally unlit for fleep, or to be amufed by the conver- fation of her favourite Abigail, In vain did Mrs. Chenille expatiate on the ile^ gance of cambric muflin (triped with lace, on the jintiUty of bell fleeves, on the becomingnefs of filver tyras^ and tl;e inchanting effecl of bare elbows and na- ked (boulders. Lady Caroline conrinued playing inattentively with her imelling- bottle. A new fubje£l was then ftarted ; and Mrs. Chenille declared it to be the opi- o 3 nion 294 THE INFIDEL FATHER. nion of the majors In the fteward's room, that the young lady who was jufl: ar- rived did not know how to drefs (or I fhould rather fay undrefs) to advantage. " Mr. Jervais and Thomas,'* continued Mrs. Chenille, ''did fay fhe was very handfome, and Mr. Doyley gave her for his toafl: ; but Mrs Brown faid your ladyfhip was millions of times more beautiful j fo to be fure I was edgey to fee her, and would carry in bed-candles myfelf. But fuch a figure, fo wrapped and huddled, with no more drapery than a Dutch doll, and fuch a blowfe of hair in her neck ; and fo, to be fure, when I went to offer her my fervices, fhe made ine a curtefy, and faid (he was ufed to wait on herfelf. Aye, thought I, fo you do I dare fay ; but if you had any body with you that was a genus ^ you would be a bener figure than you are." This rhetorical fally was not honoured by one poor fmile. Lady Caroline was too THE INFIDEL FATHER. 295 too much (Iruck by fome obfervations of Mr. Brudenell's to be pleafed with abufe or frivoHty. The converAuion of that gentleman tended to coniirm the fa- vourable opinion which his hnl: appear- ance excited. He feemcd fufficiently attentive to the claims of others to be re- fpedlful and polite, and fufficiently con- fcious of what was due to hlmfelf to be firm and dignified. He appeared to have the art of giving intereft to grave dif- courfe, by the happy choice of his ex- preffions, and the cafual introdudion of appofite but ftriking anecdotes. He knew enough of the world to treat it with propriety ; he neither fpoke of it with the afperity of a difappointed worfhipper, nor with the adulatory commendations of a candidate for its fmiles. He feemed fatisfied with life's feaft, willing to rife from the banquet, and wholly void of envy at thofe new guefls who were to fupply his place at the table. The only o 4 plea Q-gS THE INFIDEL FATFIER. plea that Lady Caroline could fonn againfl: her being exceffively fond of Mr. Brudenell's company proceeded from her fearing that fhe never could laugh at him. And yet he had many appenciages that had been the never-failing theme of her ladyfhip's ridicule when annexed to the black coats who frequented her father's table. In the firfl place, he wore an immenfe canonical wig, to which hfer ideas always attached ftupidi- ty and bigotry. Next, his coat was made in almoft pofitive defiance of the pre- vailing mode ; he had a rofe in his large hat, which was alfo flapped in front, and he did not blufh to difplay a pair of fmall gold fhoe buckles. All this was certainly very fingular, yet fuch a grace- fulnefs did thefe modes acquire from the fuavity of his manners, that (he doubted whether they were not more chara6lerif- tic of the Chriflian priefthood, than the half THE INFIDEL FATHER. -^7 half pagan half democratic drefs of cleri- cal jeflamies, bloods, or foxhunters. To proceed with Mr. Brudenell's odd ways. He faid grace at fupper. This obfolete cuftom was, (lie knew, fometimes revived, when any dignified clergyman was prefent ; but flie obferved the time was generally fpent by the ladies in de- ciding which gentleman fhould fit by them ; and the whole affair was always fo confufed, that fhe could not recoiled ever hearing a word of it. Yet, fo im- prefTive was Mr. Brudenell's voice, and fo devout his manner, that allowing the Supreme Being could be interefted by the addrefles of mortals, and that the fruits of the earth really did nroceed from his bounty, and not from the ordinary ope- rations of nature^ there was an air of gratitude and propriety in the ceremony. Still, though Lady Caroline allowed Mr. Brudenell to be a gentleman, (he mufl affirm that he belonged to the old o 5 fchool. 29B THE INFIDEL FATHER. fchool. The fervantshad hardly retired, when he revived another gothic cuftom, and, filling his glafs, propofed as a fen- timent thereftorationof Lord Glanville's health and happinefs. " You muft be guilty of a little excefs to-night, ladies,'* faid he, " by pledging me in a wifh fo highly interefting to us all." " Undoubtedly," returned Lady Ca- roline. " But, Mr. Brudenell, I con- clude that you are one of my lord's very old friends ; and, as I doubt not you have a great influence over him, you muft allow me to requeft that you will exert it in one inftance." '* I believe," returned Mr. Brudenell, ** I may truly ftyle myfelf his lordfliip's friend ; but, as I have not the honour to be perfonally known to him, it is doubtful what influence I may poflfefs." *' Not known to him ! Pardon me, you fpeak with fuch franknefs, that I feel myfelf induced to throw off all referve. Mine THE INFIDEL FATHER. 299 Mine is naturally an open charadler, and 1 rejoice when I meet with one fimilar to my own. May I afk if you are related to our family ?" Mr. Brudenell anfwered, — '' I have not that honour. I confefs, my dear Lady Caroline, we are at prefent very inyfterious people. I am convinced that his lord(hip will foon relieve your very par- donable curiofity refpeding the reafons of our intrufion ; and in the interim, if I can any way promote your wifhes But you was going to requeji fomething of me. Had you, not better turn it into a com?na?id P" " There are gentlemen whom I may comniandj^* faid Lady Caroline fmiling, " but I dare not talk in that ftyle to you. What I wi(h is, that you would advife my lord to exert his energies to fubdue a habit of dejedion that grows upon him every year. It injures his health, and renders him quite miferable ia 30O THE INFIDEL FATHER. in the midft of all his enjoyments. Be- fide, he is fo engrolTed by this hoft of blue devils, one Ihrieking about an eaft wind, and another howling over a damp, that he is abfolutely fpoiled for a com^ panion.*' " You mud prepare yourfelf for a long reply, madam," returned Mr. Brude- nell, " and I will allow you to fmile at my egotifm and garrulity ; but we old men have a common intereft in excufmg the infirmities of age. Gonfider one moment, before you cenfure your fa- ther for giving way to melancholy^ how different mud be the eftimate that we form of life, when we view it from the enmience of youth, and when we con- template it from the vale of years. At the former period, we generally poffefs health, ftrength, lively fpirits, fair pro- fpeds, a confcience free from any keen remorfe, and a mind unbroken by care or difappointment. Where will you point THE INFIDEL FATHER. 3^1 point out the favoured being who has carried all thefe blefllngs with him to his journey's end ? Kappy are thofe who preferve only one of them, I mean st foul untroubled by remorfe. But can you wonder that enfeebled (trength and declining health (hould often want re- folution to exert thofe energies of which you fpeak ? The underflanding cannot always be aclive under the preflure of bodily fuffering ; and if we recur to Memory for amufement, fhehas record- ed much of what is painful, as well as what is pleafant. Our mental faculties too often participate in our corporeal decay ; and very few people on the verge of feventy feel themfelves equal to thofe adive exercifes that are even neceflary to brace the nerves of youth. In this ftate, the bed of us are glad tc throw ourfelves on the afTiftance of our fellow-creatures ; and, as youth may profit by the experi- ence of age, {q age derives its mofl ex- hilarating 302 THE INFIDEL FATHER. hilarating cordial from the kind atten- tions and lively Tallies of youth. Your ladyfhip is looking at your watch; allow me one moment to make the application ; for I muft proceed in my profejjlonal routine. I have, little chance af reliev- ing Lord Glanville's dejedion, efpecial- ly as it has refifted the united powers of your very pleafing vivacity, and I doubt not very exemplaryy?//W piety.'^ Lady Caroline blulhed, played with her locket, longed to appear angry with Mr. Brudenell, and owned with a faul- tering tone, that his lordfliip's melan- choly had fo far infe6led her, that (he felt it impoflible to ei^ert herfelf to enter- tain him, " This is all very natural, madam,** replied Mr. Brudenell. " We conform to the habits of thofe we converfe with ; but, as Providence defigneci this for one of the fecurities of focial comfort, we muft not complain. You will hence- forth THE INFIDEL FATHER. 2>^^ forth have an affiftant. Sophia will con- fider it as her duty and pleafure to join you in your painful but amiable office ; and I trufl: we fhall reftore the Earl of Glanville to his early felf/* " Do you know, Mifs Herbert,'* faiJ Lady Caroline, who had fufficiently re- covered herfelf to be a little arch, " that your grandfather is a rebel ? A pretty figure I fhould have made had I been duped by his fai/e humility, and laid any commands upon him. Had I, for in- fiance, only ordered hint to join me in a reel, I almoft fear he would have beea refradory." " He had fuch a confidence in your propriety," replied Mifs Herbert, " that he was certain you would not have wilhed to exhibit him in a ridiculous light. But what has he done that is fo very rebellious ?'* " Has not he prefumed to give me an oblique lecture ? ' returned Lady Caroline ; 304 THE INFIDEL FATHER. - Caroline ; " and mud I not creep through the cold gallery before I go to bed, and fland liflening at my lord's chamber door to know if he is aileep ?" " At lead," obferved Sophia, '' my grandpapa does- not excel you in the art of giving oblique ledures. My dear fir, time has flown fo pleafantly, that we have forgotten the hour. But Laxly Caroline has juft hinted, that fiie miiji perform her accuflomed attentions to Lord Glanville, who is doubtlefs waiting for her expelled vifit." Mr. Brudenell rofe at this addrefs, and, refpedlfully bowing to Lady Ca- roline, *' My dear pupil, or my dear lady miftrefs," faid he " by whatever name you choofe to call yourfelf, be af- fured that you fee in me only one charac- ter, namely, a plain old man, who wifhes to be your faithful friend. Prefent our refpe^lful regards to Lord Glanville. Bid him confult his own feelings 5 per- haps THE INflDEL FATHER. 3O5 haps he had better fee me before Sophia Is mtroduced. Good night, my dear girl," continued he, turning to his grand- daughter, who trembled at the prece- ding addrefs ; " be compofed and com- mend yourfelf to the care of Heaven j all will end well." It was upon this very fmgular con- verfation that Lady Caroline ruminated. " Thefe people," faid fhe to herfelf, " are neither fools nor bigots, and yet they appear to be really religious. They m.ufl furely be hypocrites, and yet they ferm too cheerful and unconftrained to be acting a part. I long to talk to Mifs Herbert about her principles ; as for Mr Brudenell, I do not think that I dare attack him, even with Voltaire at my elbow\" Such were the refleclions that crowd- ed into Lady Caroline's mind, and al- moft excluded her curiofity to folve the enigma, why thefe extraordinary vifitors appeared 306 THE INFIDEL FATHER. appeared at Glanville caftle in a ftyle fo dilFimilar to that of common guefts. Even her folicltude to beat Mr. Ray- mond at chefs. was abated -, and ihe per- ceived that (he had thought lefs of- him for fome hours, than (he had done for many weeks preceding. END OF THE FIRST VOLUME. f*^ UNIVERSmr OF ILLINOn-URBANA 3 0112 056532143