G 
 
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 (iA»mU.
 
 
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 Nov. 1844. 
 
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 COPYRIGHT EDITIONS.— LARGE octavo. 
 
 PREPARING FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLICATION, 
 
 MONS. THIERS' HISTORIES. 
 
 ON THE FIRST OF DECEMBER (1844), WILL BE ISSUED, 
 
 To be continued Monthly until completed, 
 
 PART L 
 
 OF 
 
 THE HISTORY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE FRENCH REYOLUTION. 
 
 BY 
 
 MONS. THIERS, 
 
 LATE CHIEF MINISTER OF FRANCE, &C. &C. 
 
 Translated from the last Paris edition (the Twelfth in 10 vols. 8vo), containing the Author's latest 
 Emendations and Corrections, and the entire Appendixes, " Pieces Justificatifes," &c. 
 
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 THE HISTORY 
 
 THE CONSULATE AND EMPIRE 
 
 NAPOLEON. 
 
 BY 
 
 MONS. THIEES, 
 
 LATE CHIEF MINISTER OF FRANCE, &C. &C. 
 
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 ANTI-CONINGSBY; 
 
 OB, 
 
 THE NEW GENERATION GROWN OLD. 
 
 BY AN EMBKYO, M.R 
 
 Who'll exchange old lamps for new." 
 
 IN TWO VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 T. C. NEWBY, 72, MORTIMER St., CAVENDISH Sq. 
 1844.
 
 T. C. Newby, Printer, 72, Mortimer Street^ Cavendisk Square.
 
 ?^3 
 
 V PKELIMINAKY FANTASIA. 
 
 " My tale is 
 De rebus cunctis et qiiibtisdam aliis." 
 
 Bt&on. 
 
 Zarasmin the magician, the wily conjuror, the 
 Cagliostro of the nineteenth century, inhabited 
 
 furnished apirtments in Street. He 
 
 occupied what is commonly called the drawing- 
 room floor, and had contrived to give his sit- 
 ting-room as wizard-like an appearance as cir-
 
 11. PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. 
 
 cumstances would admit of. The walls were 
 all hung with black crape, and the blue flame 
 of a spirit lamp shed an unearthly light on 
 the form of the sorcerer, whose long, white 
 beard and scarlet dressing-gown gave him a 
 vastly imposing look. It was night, and the 
 potent Zarasmin was at supper — even the 
 wisest of wizards are partial to good living — 
 when a thundering rap at the door, followed 
 by a ring at the bell of more than Waterfor- 
 dian violence, startled Zarasmin from his re- 
 past. With lightning like rapidity, he concealed 
 the tray of beefsteaks and porter beneath the 
 long, black cloth by which the table was covered, 
 its folds reaching to the ground; and having 
 scattered some powerful perfume through the 
 room, assumed a dignified posture in his arm- 
 chair, and awaited the result. 
 
 A light step ascended the stairs, and some 
 one knocked pretty loudly at the door of the 
 wizard.
 
 PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. 111. 
 
 " Come in !" said Zarasmin in a voice deep 
 and sonorous. 
 
 The door opened and a young man entered, 
 but started back with an exclamation of horror 
 at the siojht of a tall skeleton standinor like 
 a footman behind the chair of the sorcerer. 
 
 '' How infernally dark !" said the stranger, 
 recovering his composure. 
 
 '* Fear not !" said Zarasmin, '' it is only my 
 amanuensis." 
 
 The skeleton bowed politely as if to corro- 
 borate his master^s statement. 
 
 " Does he write a good hand ?" enquired the 
 stranger. 
 
 " Thou shalt Fee." 
 
 Zarasmin waved his hand, his spectral at- 
 tendant wrote with his finger on the wall, and 
 in letters of fire the young stranger read — his 
 name — that name which is, and ever shall be a 
 secret to thousands, who peruse with eagerness 
 these costly volumes. 
 
 " Thou mayst depart," said the wizard. The
 
 IV. PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. 
 
 skeleton vanished through the wall which 
 closed upon him like a dream. 
 
 " And now," said Zarasmin, " what wouldst 
 thou of the descendant of the Magi, the reader 
 of the starry mysteries, the man of mighty 
 spells ? Wouldst thou roll back the hands of 
 that vast dial on which Time, the earth-king, in 
 indestructible characters perpetuates the past — 
 or doth thy desire extend to the rending of 
 the misty veil by which the future is con- 
 cealed ?" 
 
 " Neither," said the stranger, " most in- 
 genious Zarasmin, I care not for the past, nor 
 would I know my future fate, for all the beauties 
 in Sultan Selim's harem. I ask a mightier 
 proof of your craft — to behold that which 
 never has happened and most assuredly never 
 
 will r 
 
 *' Beware !" said the wizard, " beware O 
 hapless youth — recal thy daring wish !" 
 
 " No,'' said the stranger proudly, '* if
 
 PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. V. 
 
 your art is not all humbug vile — at once pro- 
 ceed !" 
 
 " We don't do things in such a hurry in our 
 profession," said the enchanter offended, " do 
 you take me for a common conjuror ? why the 
 next thing you ask me I expect, will be to 
 place a plum-pudding in your hat !" 
 
 "No such impious thought I assure you, 
 could ever enter my mind, in connection with 
 so respectable a magician as yourself'/' said 
 the stranger. 
 
 Zarasmin was soon pacified, and having come 
 to terms — I mean in a pecuniary point of view 
 — he commenced the customary ' hocus pocus ;' 
 cutting it however rather short, for to say the 
 truth, he longed to be at his beef-steaks and 
 porter again. Not that he laboured under any 
 apprehension as to the caloric contained in the 
 the former being diminished. A man wise in 
 all the wisdom of the east, was not likely to 
 neglect so trifling a precaution, as a chafing 
 dish for contingencies like the present, but to
 
 VI. PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. 
 
 be compelled to leave off in the middle of a 
 tender steak done to a nicety, is tanta- 
 lizing, though of course business must be at- 
 tended to by a man whatever his metier. 
 
 Having concluded his incantation which, as 
 they 'say in the east, was all bosh, he 
 begged the stranger to seat himself in front 
 of a large mirror, and stare at it with all his 
 might ; which simple injunction the neophyte 
 strove to fulfil to the utmost of his power. 
 
 The mirror was not a common looking* 
 glass, but rather resembled those dim reflec- 
 tors used by artists in the study of perspective. 
 After gazing for some time, faint outlines 
 began to form themselves in the glass, which 
 gradually became more and more distinct, 
 until the strangest phantasms exhibited them- 
 selves to the eye of the stranger. 
 
 '* What seest thou ?" said the wizard Zaras- 
 rain, " I will interpret." 
 
 " I see," answered the stranger, " a num- 
 ber of men with iron^ javelins in their hands,
 
 PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. VIL 
 
 striving to harass by every means in their 
 power, a tall figure in the midst, who 
 smiles good-humouredly at their vindictive 
 attempts. '^ 
 
 " That," said the wizard '* is *Anti-Con- 
 ingsby,' the son of your adoption, and those 
 little gentlemen with spears are the critics.'^ 
 
 " And who is that man armed with a scythe, 
 followed by others with similar weapons, and 
 looking so desperately vindictive at my merry 
 offspring." 
 
 " That is Delta of the ' Times,' with his 
 myrmidons — their object is to annihilate * Anti- 
 Coningsby' for laughing so ' consumedly' at 
 the self- re vie wing ' Arabian.' 
 
 " And will success attend their efforts ?" 
 
 The sorcerer laughed so heartily in reply 
 to this question, that he was obliged to 
 tumble over head and heels several times 
 before he could recover his composure. A 
 great number oi phantasms then passed in 
 rapid succession before the eyes of the stranger,
 
 Vlll. PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. 
 
 which he ingeniously daguerotyped as they 
 appeared, by means of a small apparatus he 
 had brought with him for the purpose. At length 
 no more visions were to be seen, and the mirror 
 reflected the features and form of the stranger 
 himself alone, who not being of a vain dis- 
 position, arose, from his chair — took his box under 
 his arm— gave his purse to the wizard, wished 
 him good evening — was bowed out by the 
 skeleton secretary, and departed, to construct 
 a two volume novel from the faithful photo- 
 types he carried beneath his arm. 
 
 As for the magician — no sooner was the 
 young stranger gone, than he bolted the door 
 of his apartment — lighted a couple of wax 
 candles, and recommenced his attack upon the 
 beef-steaks and porter with truly magical 
 voracity, whilst his skeleton attendant, 
 who was in reality no other than Mrs. Zaras- 
 min, his faithful help-mate, having put away 
 his beard in a band box, and exchanged her
 
 PRELIMINARY FANTASIA. IX, 
 
 skeleton suit for a more appropriate costume, 
 rang the bell for another beef-steak with a 
 supplementary pot of porter, and joined the 
 modern Cagliostro at the supper-table. 
 
 What a thing it is to be behind the scenes. 
 
 November 20th, 1844.
 
 MTI-CONINGSBY ; 
 
 OB, 
 
 THE NEW GENERATION GROWN OLD. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 OUT AND IN. 
 
 What rushing at the newspaper offices ! What 
 crouding, jostling, pushing and treading upon 
 toes ! What wondering, questioning, swearing 
 and pocket-picking, on the morning of that 
 eventful Friday, from the date of which this 
 Tcritable history commences ! 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Never was the modern Babylon in such a 
 fearful state of excitement. Merchants forgot 
 to eat their breakfasts ; bankers* clerks cashed 
 checks for men who had lonpj since overdrawn 
 their accounts ; cabs and omnibuses dashed 
 along the slippery wood pavement with reck- 
 less velocity, counter-jumpers, in the total 
 absence of customers, really performed those 
 gymnastic feats from which their sobriquet is 
 derived ; dandies and exclusives at the west 
 end rang their bells every five minutes to 
 institute inquiries as to the arrival of the 
 papers ; place-hunting M. P's. called upon one- 
 another with countenances of almost superna- 
 tural elongation ; several foreign plenipotentia- 
 ries all but dislocated their necks by dint of 
 repeatedly shrugging their shoulders ; political 
 intriguantes actually neglected to apply the 
 rouge and pearl powder to their time-worn phy- 
 siognomies — The confusion of tongues at Babel, 
 the news of the victory at Waterloo, the pass- 
 ing of the reform bill, and the O. P. row at
 
 ANTI-CON INGSBY. 8 
 
 Covent Garden, produced indeed considerable 
 noise and excitement at their respective eras ; 
 but they shrink into insignificance compared to 
 the glorious occasion I allude to ; when — to 
 use the energetic and poetical trope of a con- 
 temporary Hibernian rhetorician ; *' London 
 resembled an ocean of gingerbeer, foaming 
 beneath the united influence of three simoons, 
 seven whirlwinds and a tornado ! 
 
 Great causes produce great effects. Sir 
 Robert Peel had resigned. 
 
 Need I explain to the enlightened students 
 of the last new edition of Goldsmith's History 
 of England, ' continued by an eminent hand to 
 within five minutes of its publication,' the rea- 
 sons for this resignation ? — No. In the first 
 place, because they must be already acquainted 
 with them ; secondly, consisting as they do of 
 the more juvenile portion of the community, 
 it is highly improbable that these precious 
 volumes will ever fall into their bands. 
 B 3
 
 4 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 To you therefore, my dear reader, and as 
 Lord Byron says, 'still dearer purchaser,' I 
 address myself, without, for an instant, im- 
 puting to you any such vulgar peculiarities 
 as historical erudition ; though I cannot help 
 accusing you — ^Heaven forgive me if I do you 
 an injustice ! — of the more venial mauvais ton 
 displayed in the perusal of the daily journals. 
 That you believe a word of their contents I will 
 not presume to suppose : everybody kn9ws, or 
 ought to know, how little reliance is to be 
 placed on their ephemeral veracity ; and should 
 there exist any deluded individual yet uncon- 
 vinced of a fact so notorious, I humbly 
 (humility is my forte) conceive that a serious 
 consideration of the following pages, will lead 
 his erring understanding, with the rapidity 
 of light, to a more consistent and rational 
 opinion. 
 
 The cause of the minister's resignation was 
 this. Certain of his gang — thus the would-be-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 5 
 
 factious West India planters, scurrilously deno- 
 minated his trusty adherents. — Certain of his 
 gang then, had the ineffable audacity one even- 
 ing to vote against their master ! Could any- 
 thing be more atrocious, more unparlia- 
 mentary, more infamously conscientious than 
 the conduct of these daring and unprincipled 
 renegades ? 
 
 The minister got upon his legs, he drew 
 himself up to his full height, and glanced with 
 proud ferocity around. On open foes, and 
 treacherous friends alike, he bent his furious 
 gaze. A reporter even fancied that he re- 
 marked in the right-honourable baronet, a dis- 
 position to mount one of the Treasury benches, 
 and thus more practically display his immeasu- 
 rable superiority over his brother members ; 
 neutrals and opposition included. The minis- 
 ter's speech was as usual, emphatically idiosyn- 
 cratic. I forget what was the real question 
 — he said that it was one of confidence in the
 
 6 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 government ; and the burden of his speech 
 ran to the following effect ; 
 
 " If they did not rescind their votes, the au- 
 dacious varlets, he would resign ; their con- 
 duct was most absurd, he was a much cleverer 
 fellow than any one of them individually, or 
 than all of them collectively ; he knew what 
 was best for the country ; he would not be 
 bullied by his own party ; and unless they 
 were wise enough to rescind their votes, he 
 positively would resign, forthwith; and he was 
 immensely sorry to say so — the country would 
 inevitably go to the devil !" 
 
 At this awful climax, a voice from the back 
 benches was heard to murmur more than once, 
 with gloomy distinctness, the mystic words 
 " curvatus ambulator /" 
 
 No attention however was paid to this in- 
 terruption by the members, who naturally con- 
 cluded that it was some pedantic confrere quot- 
 ing J uvenal or Horace. Suspecting nevertheless 
 that a deeper meaning layconcealed beneath this
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 7 
 
 strange expression, I pondered it well upon my 
 way homewards, and as I turned the key in 
 the door of my chambers, the problem was 
 solved. 
 
 " Eureka !" I exclaimed, taking off my hat, 
 and according to custom, transferring it to an 
 old bust of my grandfather, thus giving the 
 marble features a remarkable astute expression. 
 *' CurvatuSy^ I proceeded, signifies bent, 
 curved, hookey ; ambulator can only be con- 
 strued— waZAer. Hookey Walker !" Q. E. D. 
 
 With that feeling of satisfaction, ever the 
 result of a conquered difficulty, I tossed my 
 gloves into an Etruscan vase on the mantel- 
 piece, and threw my mortal body, much ex- 
 hausted by a fatigueing day's work, into that 
 perfection of comfort, an American rocking 
 chair. 
 
 Companions in misery, fellow bachelors ! 
 permit me to use an author's privilege and 
 give you a word of advice. 
 
 Firstly, always put those items of your pro-
 
 8 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 perty in daily use, in the same places, that you 
 may be able to find them, when required, at a 
 moment's notice. Exempli gratia^ hats on 
 busts, and gloves in Etruscan vases. Secondly, 
 forbid your laundresses under pain of instant 
 dismission, ever to attempt ^' putting your 
 things to rights," that is, as Mr. Albert Smith 
 very quaintly observes, " hiding everything 
 they can lay hold of, with the keenest inge- 
 nuity" ! Thirdly, if you do not already possess 
 one, lose no time in calling at the upholsterer's 
 and ordering an American rocking-chair ! 
 
 But a word to the wise. 
 
 To return to the point we digressed from. 
 The enigma was indeed solved ; though, what 
 " Walker " had to do with the Premier's speech 
 it is hard to conjecture. The remark cer- 
 tainly seemed to imply that the right-honoura- 
 ble baronet was giving utterance to humbug. 
 
 But the sagacious reader will at once laugh 
 to scorn the mere probability of so unpre- 
 cedented an occurrence. I have never sue-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. y 
 
 ceeded in ascertaining the name of the coarse- 
 minded individual who dared, in the British 
 senate— in that national council that gives laws 
 to half the world- — in that august assembly 
 not inferior in venerable dignity to the con- 
 script fathers of ancient Rome ! — to make use 
 of vulgar slang ; still heightening his crimes 
 by the Latinised Prevarication of which he 
 availed himself. His being a solitary example 
 of this misdemeanour renders it likely that in 
 imitation of the man who set fire to the temple 
 of the Ephesian Diana, he hoped thereby to 
 gain an unenviable immortality, or rather 
 notoriety. If so, I rejoice that he has most 
 egregiously failed in his attempt, and that the 
 dark, mantle of oblivion will for ever envelop 
 his disgraced cognomen ! 
 
 To return to the House : scarcely had the 
 First Lord of the Treasury given vent to the 
 speech above alluded to, when '' Young Con- 
 ingshy^'' who had not yet delivered himself of 
 bis maiden speech, sprang up, and electrified the 
 B 5
 
 10 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 House by an oration, more remarkable for its 
 energetic boldness and audacious originality, 
 than for soundness of judgment, or lucid ar- 
 rangement of ideas. 
 
 " Are we," he exclaimed, inter alia, '* are 
 we to become mere echoes of the mind and 
 opinions of a single man — mere legislative 
 tools, to be employed at the will of an ambi- 
 tious and egotistical individual ? Is it not in- 
 finitely contemptible, that base and cowardly 
 party-spirit should usurp, in this enlightened 
 senate, the place of reason freely exercised, 
 and disinterested patriotism ! 
 
 " We are sent here by our constituents to 
 concert measures for the general welfare of the 
 state, and we waste the precious hours in 
 paltry and frivolous discussions. The hon- 
 orable Premier cannot carry an obnoxious 
 measure, and for the second time, this session, 
 disgraces our assembly by threatening resigna- 
 tion, 
 
 '* Are we men ? are we gentlemen ? are we
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 1 1 
 
 representatives of thousands, and elected by 
 them to defend their interests and express their 
 opinions ! — Yes — we are all these ! we are 
 neither slaves, nor fools, nor toadies ! But 
 the right-honourable baronet threatens resigna- 
 tion — one course alone remains by which this 
 terrific calamity may be averted, we may rescind 
 our votes, and sacrifice our honor, our con- 
 sistency and our independence, the to shrine of 
 the modest Premier's superior judgment ! 
 And shall we own such judgment ? No I— as 
 soon — 
 
 *' Seek roses in December, ice in June.' 
 
 Let the riirht-honourable baronet resign. 
 England is not so poor in Genius but that she 
 can find another Premier — ay, fifty others if it 
 be necessary ; and were men competent to fill 
 that office less plentiful ; rather than submit 
 to such degrading tyranny, I would exclaim 
 in the words of King Richard to the 
 rebels after the murder of Tyler — " / will be 
 your leader !"
 
 12 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 This bombastic speech produced an immense 
 sensation, and the consummate audacity of the 
 youthful orator was highly extolled by the 
 opponents of the then existing ministry, 
 who soon began to fear the most disastrous 
 consequences. 
 
 The party of Young England increased in 
 numbers daily, whilst the popularity of the soi- 
 disant conservative cabinet diminished in like 
 ratio. The opening of the letters at the Post- 
 office had an almost fatal effect. Contempt 
 was mingled with the hatred already enter- 
 tained by the nation. The Premier's obstinate 
 neglect of the universal execration of the bar- 
 barous and degrading poor-law, did incalcula- 
 ble injury to his party; and in fact it was but too 
 evident nothing but their dog-in-the-manger-like 
 determination to keep the Lil)erals out of office, 
 induced his once servile adherents to support Sir 
 Robert's administration. Threats of resignation 
 were treated with scorn, ministers were beaten
 
 ANTI-CONDiGSBY. 13 
 
 on a question of paramount importance, and 
 finding that as the Duke {the duke) observed, 
 ■' The Queen's government could not be carried 
 on," they made, as is usual in such cases, a 
 merit of necessity — and resigned. 
 
 And was all the excitement pourtrayed at 
 the opening of this chapter, caused by Sir 
 Robert's resignation ? you will possibly enquire. 
 
 By no means. Mr. Coningsby, the ideal leader 
 of Young England, the enthusiastic hero of a 
 three volume novel, the man who was destined 
 to be the saviour of his country — had been 
 sent for by the Queen.
 
 14 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER 11. 
 
 OMNIBUS WIGGLETON. 
 
 " Oh ! I'm quite a wez^-Englandite," said the 
 thrice widowed Lady Maddens. 
 
 " At any rate," thought Guilford, " nobody 
 can accuse you of being second hand,^^ But he 
 repressed the invidious pun, and simply uttered 
 an encouraging '* indeed !" 
 
 " Yes," continued her Ladyship, " I con- 
 sider Mr. Coningsby's party coming into power 
 as absolutely providential — quite the salvation 
 of the country !" 
 
 " Have you any idea who is to be Home Se- 
 cretary ?"
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 15 
 
 " Lord Gymnastic Customs, I suppose ; but 
 the Queen will decide all that. We must 
 get rid of every vestige of the Venetian consti- 
 tution." 
 
 " Venetian fiddlestick !" said Mr. Omnibus 
 Wiggleton, her Ladyship's nephew, as he en- 
 tered the room. 
 
 " You have no enthusiasm, Omnibus ; no 
 more enthusiasm than a lap-dog,'^ said Lady 
 Maddens." 
 
 '* No enthusiasm ! Why, did I not buy a 
 season ticket at Drury Lane, and go every 
 night, without exception, to see Carlotta Grisi 
 take the leap in the Peri ?" 
 
 *' I mean political enthusiasm ; you have 
 plenty, and to spare, for vulgarity and frivolity,' 
 retorted his aunt, who was of a somewhat irri- 
 table temper. Lady Maddens fancied herself a 
 genius ; and although she was five and forty, at 
 the least, wore her hair in ringlets all round 
 her head, which gave her an uncommonly 
 juvenile appearance. 
 
 *' There is nothing vulgar, my dear aunt, in
 
 1 6 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 going to an English theatre. The German nobs 
 are not such fools in this respect as the English. 
 At Berlin, the German opera is quite the thing, 
 and the Italian, the essence of vulgarity. As 
 for frivolity, Socrates himself was fond of 
 dancing, particularly Aspasia's ; and the late 
 King of Prussia, who was universally beloved 
 by his people, used always to get into the 
 prompter's box, when there was a new ballet 
 brought out." 
 
 " I shall not attempt to argue with you," said 
 Lady Maddens, " you are so obstinate, you 
 never will hear reason." 
 
 " Hearing reason, means, nine times out of 
 ten, giving up one's own opinion to some- 
 body else's," said Omnibus. 
 
 " I wish, too," continued his aunt, without 
 condescending to notice this interruption, " that 
 you would break yourself of the habit of 
 using such odd words as nob, and — " 
 
 " Brevity is the soul of wit, wit is wisdom, 
 and we of the new generation are sapient be-
 
 ANTI-C0NING8BY. 17 
 
 yond all human sapiency," said WiggletoD, 
 " nob is short for nobility, just as Vic is an 
 abbreviation of Victoria ; Ben Siddy, of Ben- 
 jamin Sidonia ; Wiggy, of Wiggleton, and — 
 
 " Pat, of potato-eater, I suppose," said Miss 
 Atalanta Maddens, who had not yet spoken. 
 
 " Her cousin, whose family was Irish, made 
 no reply to this sally, but went, as he gravely 
 observed, to * bully' a couple of unfortunate 
 parrots in the adjoining room, whither Ata- 
 lanta followed him, to prevent mischief. 
 
 " I say, Atty, don't they look like a couple 
 of M.P.'s on committee ? Why this black and 
 white fellow is the very counterpart of Joe 
 Hume ; see how, economical he is with his 
 lump of sugar, and the other little politician, 
 dressed in all the colours of the rainbow, looks 
 as impudent as the Right Honorable Sir Post- 
 office Brownham and the late * archmediocrity' 
 rolled into one !" 
 
 Thereupon, the vivacious Mr. Wiggleton 
 entered into a lively discussion of affairs in
 
 18 ANTI-CON INGSBY. 
 
 general, with the two M.P.'s, taking care to 
 rap their beaks with his aunt's fan every now 
 and then, to illustrate his positions. As for 
 his opponents, they did not say much, but 
 grew exceedingly nervous, as was evident, 
 from their moving to and fro on their perches, 
 flapping their wings, and other unmistakeable 
 symptoms. 
 
 The ex-premier, however, muttered rather 
 frequently, " pretty Poll, pretty Poll," 
 which isolated observation might either refer 
 to an impending election, or, as appears more 
 probable, was simply a modest assertion of his 
 own merit, and quite in character with the 
 part assigned to him. 
 
 Omnibus Wiggleton was a universal genius; 
 there was nothing that he could not do — nothing 
 that he did not know — according to his own ac- 
 count. Not that he ever learnt anything; he was 
 too indolent for that; all his acquirements were a 
 priori, like Cagliostro^s magic, or Plato's remi- 
 niscences, spontaneously awakened. His were
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 19 
 
 the principles of that famous Irishman (and he, 
 too, was a Milesian, be it remembered, by 
 descent) who knew not whether he could play 
 upon the violin, because he had never before at- 
 tempted to do so. Wiggleton tried a great 
 many things, and often succeeded to a certain 
 extent in his undertakings. People were 
 amazed at his varied talents ; in reality he pos- 
 sessed but one — confidence in his own ability. 
 
 He was good-looking, kind-hearted, and en- 
 tertaining, but he had many faults, (who has 
 not ?) the greatest amongst which was that he 
 was poor. His father had been an eminent 
 architect, but a recklessly extravagant man. 
 Luckily Mr. Wiggleton, senior, had insured his 
 life for £5,000, or his son would have been left 
 wholly destitute. He died — *' broke himself of 
 the agreeable habit of existing," as Goethe 
 hath it — whilst Omnibus was yet a mere child ; 
 and by his last will and testament, directed that 
 £3,500 of the insurance money above mentioned 
 should be laid out by his executors, in the pur-
 
 20 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 chase of an annuity for his widow, and the 
 remainder be invested in the funds to accumu- 
 late for the benefit of young Omnibus, the 
 expenses of whose education were, moreover, 
 to be defrayed by his mother, whose whole 
 ambition was centred in his happiness. All 
 the rest of Mr. Wiggleton's property, which 
 after payment of his debts, amounted to less 
 than a thousand pounds was left to Abd el 
 Kader as residuary legatee, to assist him in carry- 
 ing on the war against '* those blackguard 
 Frenchmen." These were the precise words 
 used in the will, with a profane addition, 
 which I refrain from inserting — that it was no 
 Messing is certain. The cause of his intense 
 hoXvQdi oila grande nation, may be ascribed to 
 an adventure of his early youth, when a young, 
 French Count having *' cleaned him out" at 
 ecarte^ and eloped with his mistress, finally 
 shot Mr. Wiggleton in the arm — vulgo, winged 
 him~2i\, a martial rencontre to which that gen- 
 tleman invited him. From that time he hated
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 2 1 
 
 the French, as well natioDally and individually, 
 with an *' honesty," which Dr. Johnson, and 
 he only could have appreciated. 
 
 Omnibus was sent by his mother to a first- 
 rate private school, near Richmond, kept by one 
 of the most finished gentlemen and profoundest 
 scholars of his day. At Templegrove he re- 
 mained several years, associating with the sons 
 of the noblesse^ acquiring liberal notions with 
 regard to expense, and learning as little as he 
 could possibly help, with a very gentlemanlike 
 horror of exertion. Nevertheless he was great 
 at private theatricals, and bolstering matches, 
 a good boxer, a better cricketer, and remark- 
 ably dexterous in learning *' Virgil's devilish 
 verses," as Byron called them, by rote. Little 
 
 did the sagacious T imagine that this 
 
 skilful adept in mnemonics invariably made a 
 practice of writing the said verses on the back 
 of his hand, previous to reciting them. 
 
 T was a wit, and often said good 
 
 things, which were caviare to most of hid
 
 22 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 pupils. I remember once little Lord S 
 
 coming to him to be caned with very dirty 
 hands. 
 
 " My lord !" said T , gravely, almost 
 
 solemnly, " do you think I am going to soil my 
 cane on those paws ?" 
 
 I thought I should have died with laughter, 
 but the little lord went away rejoicing at his 
 escape from being '* pancaked." 
 
 " Pearls before swine I" said Wiggleton, 
 " and — what's the meaning of * glaucopis?' I 
 never looked at this infernal Homer before we 
 came up." 
 
 Omnibus subsequently studied — or rather 
 played the hon vivant, at the University of 
 Heidelberg, for a couple of years. Thence he 
 removed to Paris. A few days after he became 
 of age, he received a letter, announcing the 
 demise of his sole remaining parent. He has- 
 teni^d home, and after attending the funeral 
 was surprised to discover that his mother, with 
 generous self-denial, had managed to save out
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 23 
 
 of her slender annuity nearly fifteen hundred 
 pounds, which, with his own accumulated legacy, 
 put him in possession of about £4000. As 
 soon as his grief, for the loss of his mother, 
 had in some measure subsided, Omnibus entered 
 into all the pleasures of a town life ; gave 
 recherche dinners, professed himself a disciple 
 of Epicurus, went behind the scenes of the 
 opera, betted against the favorite at Epsom, 
 (and of course won,) rode capital horses, dressed 
 to the extreme, and called his cousin Guilford 
 a *' plodder," because he never spent more than 
 his income, hated ballet girls, and wrote " in- 
 fernal books," for which it is true the publishers 
 remunerated him handsomely, but then the 
 labour ! 
 
 Wiggleton would most assuredly have sym- 
 pathised deeply with that unfortunate beggar, 
 who was almost reduced, by stern necessity, to 
 do '* what he had never done before' — to work. 
 I am convinced Wiggleton would have given
 
 24 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 him, without an instant's hesitation, at least 
 half-a-crown to avert so dismal a catastrophe. 
 
 When the season was over, and London 
 grew '' flat, stale, and unprofitable," our friend 
 Omnibus set out on a rapid continental tour 
 through France, Switzerland, and Italy, which 
 he enjoyed amazingly, as everybody called him 
 *' Milord," and he had some very agreeable 
 little love adventures. With regard to the picture 
 galleries and churches, he voted them a bore, 
 and walked through them as if performing a 
 sacred duty, or a penance,disagreeable, but not 
 to be avoided. 
 
 Not that he lacked a perception of the 
 beauties of art. I have seen him stand before 
 a small engraving in my study for half an hour 
 together, and then, suddenly turning round, ex- 
 claim — *' Do you know — I could stand all day 
 and study that exquisitely, lovely countenance !" 
 But in Italy the number of galleries, and the 
 mass of objects bewildered and fatigued him.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 25 
 
 He felt it quite a relief to find some new H.B. 
 caricatures at a friend's house in Rome. 
 
 At the end of a year he found himself again 
 in Paris, having already spent a third part of 
 his fortune. His cousin Guilford, who was a 
 solicitor, and, although but two years older than 
 Omnibus, managed all his afi^airs, now wrote to 
 him, and seriously remonstrated with him on 
 his folly in wasting his property, without pos- 
 sessing any resources to fly to, when it was 
 gone. 
 
 ** You have no profession," said Guilford, 
 *' and I fear you are unsuited for any which 
 requires study and application ; but, as a real 
 friend, I should advise you instantly to pur- 
 chase a commission in the army, and buy an 
 annuity with the remainder of your money. 
 Think how terrible would be your position — 
 how humiliating ! if, after frittering away your 
 property, you should be left destitute, depen- 
 dent on your relations, perhaps compelled to 
 
 VOL. L C
 
 26 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 follow some laborious and uncongenial occupa- 
 tion merely to procure a subsistence." 
 
 Omnibus received this letter just as he was 
 sallying forth with a friend, to visit one of the 
 most recherche Parisian Infernos. The Epi- 
 curean saw with dismay the abyss towards which 
 he was staggering. The bare idea of work was 
 too dire for contemplation. Omnibus took his 
 hat off. 
 
 '* 1 shall not go to 's," said he deli- 
 berately. 
 
 '« Why not ?" said his friend. 
 *' I mean to give up play — and all that sort 
 of thing." 
 
 " Are you very hard up then ?" 
 *' No — but I have a notion that I should like 
 to turn philosopher." 
 
 *' I thought you were an Epicurean ?" 
 
 *^ 1 professed — I mean now to practise." 
 
 " You rave ! Well, if you will not go to 
 
 's, will you come and sup with me in the 
 
 Palais Koyal?"
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 27 
 
 '* The ancient Persians lived on bread and 
 cresses." 
 
 " By Jove ! a regular case of straight-jacket- 
 ism," muttered his friend, and left the room 
 abruptly. 
 
 An hour afterwards Wiggleton was on his 
 way to Boulogne, where he embarked in the 
 first steamer for England, and on his arrival at 
 London, hastened, per patent safety (?) cab to 
 the chambers of his legal cousin. 
 
 c 3
 
 28 
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBYc 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE LAWYER. 
 
 The votaries of Themis are gregarious animals. 
 Clarence Guilford lived in Lincoln's Inn Fields; 
 he had not many clients, but those he had were 
 of the highest respectability, several of them 
 people of title. Though not yet five and twenty 
 he derived from his profession an income of 
 above eight hundred a year, and enjoyed be- 
 sides considerable literary popularity, which 
 tended materially to increase the balance at his 
 banker's. He had been fortunate, very fortu-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBy. 29 
 
 riate, but he also possessed great, perhaps ex- 
 traordinary talents. 
 
 Guilford had taken his degree at Oxford , and 
 was deeply versed in the literary lore of ancient 
 and modern Europe. He had distinguished 
 himself both at Eton and Oxford by his superi- 
 ority in every athletic exercise, for which his 
 powerful, well-knit frame peculiarly fitted him. 
 He rode, fenced, and swam superbly; could split 
 a bullet on a penknife at the distance of twenty 
 paces ; played billiards with surpassing skill ; 
 danced with grace, conversed with ease, and fasci- 
 nated the women by the magnificent beauty of his 
 lofty form, and intellectual features. To those 
 unphilosophie readers, who think a pedigree 
 worth recording, it may be a point in his favour 
 that he really had an undisputed right to a 
 coat-of-arms ; a right, which according to 
 " Vathek," and other students of heraldry, 
 many of our proudest peers cannot lay claim 
 to. He could trace his lineage from a British 
 king — a real, ancient Briton, and a Norman
 
 30 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 count, who came over with the conqueror 
 which is, in all conscience, sufficiently noble, 
 even for the most fastidious taste. And re- 
 member, that if such a bagatelle is to have any 
 weight at all, a pure descent, clearly traced 
 through many generations of gentle blood, is far 
 more valuable than a patent of nobility — even 
 a dukedom. Much may be said on both sides, 
 but for my part, I regard the aristocracy of 
 genius as infinitely superior to the noblest rank 
 or even the purest blood. Yet, I feel that it 
 behoves us all, to whom birth, station, or genius 
 has been given, to resist to the utmost the 
 encroachments of a class daily gaining ground — 
 the aristocracy of wealth. " Should they once 
 obtain the ascendancy, adieu refinement, taste, 
 and art !" For my part, I shall betake myself 
 to Circassia, and fight the Russians. " Those 
 carnivorous Muscovites," as Wiggle ton called 
 them. 
 
 To return to Clarence Guilford. Versed in 
 every science, skilled in every art, he had
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 31 
 
 actually attained, in a great measure, to that 
 universality* to which his cousin Omnibus 
 aspired, and which he would fain have per- 
 suaded himself and others, was really his 
 portion. 
 
 " Good morning, Clarence!" said Wiggleton, 
 ensconcing himself in one of those solid, com- 
 fortable arm-chairs, rarely to be found but in 
 the office of a first rate lawyer. 
 
 *' I received your letter," he continued, '* and 
 being astonished at the declaration therein con- 
 tained, I hastened to put in an appearance with- 
 out delay. You see I am up to a legal dodge 
 or two as well as you, old fellow," and Omnibus 
 gave his cousin a glance of triumphant 
 sagacity. 
 
 *' Equity is my forte," replied Clarence, 
 smiling at his cousin's blunders, " but I have 
 
 * See a capital essay in Bulwer's ' Student,' on Universality. 
 I forget the title ; it is long since I read it, but it made a great 
 impression upon me at the time.
 
 32 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 yet to learn that a declaration at law i^ followed 
 by an appearance." 
 
 " At any rate," said Wiggleton, " a declara- 
 tion of war is always followed by an appear- 
 ance of hostilities. It comes to the same thing 
 in the end, you know ; one forgets these little 
 niceties, and legal quibbles, travelling ; at one 
 time I could have brought an action for 
 murder — " 
 
 " To recover damages in a case of burking, I 
 presume," said Guilford. 
 
 " I say I could have carried on an action, 
 from beginning to end, without the shadow of 
 a flaw in the proceedings." 
 
 '* But suppose the criminal had filed a bill in 
 Chancery, what would you have done?" en- 
 quired Guilford gravely. 
 
 " Hem ! — that would have depended upon 
 circumstances — hem !— to return to your letter. 
 You seen to think I am spending my money 
 rather recklessly, eh ?" 
 
 *' Rather ! — you are living at the rate of
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 33 
 
 fifteen hundred a year, and you ought not to 
 spend more than a hundred and twenty. Such 
 a course can only end in ruin. Why not adopt 
 some profession ? If you like to attack juris- 
 prudence, I will afford you every assistance in 
 my power, I will take you into my oflSce with- 
 out a premium." 
 
 " Thank you," interrupted Wiggleton, '' I 
 hate exertion, and detest business, as you know 
 very well. Besides, by accepting your offer I 
 should only deprive you of the opportunity of 
 getting five hundred guineas, with a useful clerk 
 perhaps, besides, and that would put me under an 
 obligation. As for your suggestion about the 
 army, it won't do at all, I should be committing 
 some breach of discipline, challenging a superior 
 officer, or something of the kind, before I had 
 been a fortnight in the service. But I have 
 more firmness of character than you imagine. 
 It is true I have spent a third of my fortune in 
 a year — not to mention a cool three hundred I 
 won at Epsom, and a run of luck at Rouge et 
 c 5
 
 34 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Noir and Roulette, which if I had staked 
 guineas, instead of francs would have set me up 
 for life ; I did it just to know the pleasure of 
 spending money without counting it, and 1 had 
 a very delightful year of devilishly expensive 
 fun. Now I mean to turn over a new leaf — 
 not as Birne, the dancing master used to say, 
 ' to do it over again, for the sake of variety,' 
 but to have fun upon economical principles, and 
 live upon the interest of what remains of my 
 money till I catch hold of an heiress. By the 
 way what fine opportunities you lawyers have 
 in that line, you must know to a fraction what 
 all your women clients and their daughters 
 have got — whether in possession or expectancy. 
 I wish you would give me a hint where some- 
 thing in the twenty thousand line, fair, and 
 juvenile is to be found ?" 
 
 " There is Miss Crosscat, only seven and 
 thirty, thin, genteel figure." 
 
 " A female, living skeleton !" 
 
 ** Life interest in — "
 
 ANTI-CONTNGSBY. 35 
 
 " Pshaw ! why you might have mentioned 
 Atalanta before her^ though she certainly has 
 not half 80 much tin." 
 
 Guilford blushed for a moment, and his eye 
 flashed angrily on Wiggleton, as he uttered the 
 sacrilegious words. That gentleman, how- 
 ever, had apparently started a new train of 
 thought, for he said abruptly, after a moment's 
 reflection — 
 
 '' How much can I get a year for it — mind, 
 safe investment ?" 
 
 '^ If you mean what remains of your money. 
 I could lend it for you on good landed security, 
 at four per cent. I happen just now to have an 
 opportunity. That will be a hundred and ten 
 pounds a year, and there can be no selling out, 
 which in your case, independently of the higher 
 rate of interest, renders a mortgage far prefer- 
 able to the funds." 
 
 " So be it then," said Wiggleton, '• it is 
 close shaving, by Jove ! but anything is better 
 than the remotest contingency of working."
 
 3b ANTI-CON 1NG8BY. 
 
 ** The absence of restraint in one's occupa- 
 tions is doubtless very desirable," rejoined Guil- 
 ford, " yet, perhaps the day will come when 
 you will wish that you had a career of some 
 kind before you." 
 
 " Never," said Omnibus firmly, and for once, 
 he showed himself wiser than his accomplished 
 cousin. 
 
 It may be thought that in this as well as in 
 the preceding chapter, I have dealt too largely 
 in figures, and been more particular than was 
 necessary, with regard to the financial position 
 of the two cousins. But however unromantic 
 and Rigbyish it may appear, none can deny, 
 that in this world, what a man has is frequently 
 looked upon as a far more important considera- 
 tion than what he is. As says or sings Hoff- 
 man, the German political — though impolitic 
 bard, (for his verses lost him his professorship), 
 
 " Doch ohne Geld, so bist Du kaum ein Thier." 
 " Deprived of cash, you equal scarce the brutes." 
 
 Before concluding this chaper I must entreat
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 37 
 
 the gentle reader not to be amazed if some 
 evening paper, catching at the remarks on 
 aristocracy thrown out above should take occa- 
 sion to prove that the author of this woik 
 was born in St. Giles's, and educated at a 
 cbarity school, or something more or less scur- 
 rilous. 1 bear in mind the disgusting attack 
 made, some time ago, on a gentleman whose 
 genius I cannot but appreciate, however widely 
 we may differ in our political opinions. 
 Evening papers may say what they please, I 
 shall keep my secret, nor will the intelligent 
 reader dream of judging me — however number- 
 less my faults as a novelist — by so vile a 
 STANDARD, as that I allude to.
 
 38 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 LITERARY CHIT-CHAT. 
 
 Digressions in a novel are like stations on a 
 railroad, at which we get out to procure re- 
 freshments, leaving umbrellas, walking sticks, 
 reticules, and other trifles behind us, in our 
 hurry, to re-enter the carriages at the sound of 
 that orcinous and unearthly whistle, which has 
 tended so materially to enrich the manufacturers 
 of ear-trumpets in this country — the el Dorado 
 af patent inventions. Luckily an author is 
 not yet a steam-engine, and however often he 
 may digress, can always stop the train, and
 
 ANTl-CONINGSBY. 39 
 
 return with the rapidity of light to the station, at 
 which he left his walking stick — or his heroine. 
 
 It is possible — though barely probable — that 
 Lady Maddens was about to say something 
 particularly luminous concerning the " Vene- 
 tian Constitution," of which, according to 
 Delta, we have been so lucky as to get rid, 
 lately. Alas ! there is no knowing what she 
 might have said had not Mr. Omnibus Wiggle- 
 tfDn interrupted her so rudely. 
 
 '' Venetian fiddlestick," indeed ! what next ? 
 After all, Wiggleton, or Wiggy, as his friends 
 familiarly termed him, was not so much to 
 blame. The chapter was his own property, it 
 bore his name as a heading ; and a man (espe- 
 cially an Englishman) has a right to '' do as he 
 likes with his own." 
 
 With regard to the " Venetian Constitu- 
 tion," which Coningsby's historian states to 
 have existed in England, intentionally imitated 
 too by our Government, I regard it as, at the 
 best, a highly poetic fancy, emanating from a
 
 40 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 decidedly '* creative" brain. To tell the reader 
 that during the latter ages of the republic — 
 unquestionably the era referred to — Venice 
 was governed by an oligarchy, consisting of an 
 elective Doge and an hereditary council, would 
 be impertinent. To remind him of sundry 
 most violent exercises of prerogative, by the 
 immediate predecessors of the present Queen, 
 who also, in the early part of her reign, gave 
 symptoms of a will^ would be superfluous. But 
 extremes meet^ it is said ; and paradoxes are not 
 devoid of piquancy at times. A noble friend 
 of mine used to draw a lively parallel between 
 a Turkish Harem and a Roman Convent, illus- 
 trating his comparison by ancient saws, modern 
 instances, and personal experiences (of his own 
 invention,) which, if time and space admitted, 
 would doubtless prove highly entertaining to 
 the public. 
 
 Lady Maddens had been married for the third 
 time to Sir Arthur Maddens, a man of consi- 
 derable property. Though still young, the
 
 aJjti-coningsby. 41 
 
 only result of their union was Atalanta, who 
 had just completed her nineteenth year, and 
 was endowed with an almost magical beauty. 
 Darkly brunette, grace and delicacy seemed to 
 struggle with voluptuousness in the develop- 
 ment of her exquisite form. Her eyes, so 
 brilliant that it was impossible to criticise their 
 hue, beamed with pride, intelligence and arch- 
 ness. Her dark brown, silk-like hair, uncon- 
 scious of oil or bears' grease, was simply parted 
 on her smooth, expressive brow. Neck and 
 bosom, in softness and purity of tint, surpassed 
 the most beautiful enamel. She dressed with 
 perfect taste. Her morning neglige was rams- 
 sant, (pardon the French expletive,) her even- 
 ing toilette, '' perfect, past all parallel." Simple 
 in adornment, yet splendid in materials, and 
 rather disclosing too little than too much of 
 her milk white shoulders, to gaze on whose en- 
 chanting contour, but for a moment, self-morti- 
 fying monks would have willingly endured 
 whole ages of purgatory ! But I must stay
 
 42 ANTI'CONINGSBY. 
 
 my pen — nor mar the picture which I cannot 
 draw. Alas ! perfect beauty may be felt, but 
 never can it be described, never can be con- 
 veyed to the mind of a stranger, the impression 
 made upon the enraptured beholder. 
 
 Monarch of sorcerers ! all powerful founder 
 of magic! Imagination! aid me! Thou, and 
 thou only here canst stand my friend. 
 
 Next to imagination, Clarence Guilford 
 would be perhaps the best person to apply to ; 
 for most assuredly none appreciated the celestial 
 charms of Atalanta better than he. 
 
 What a fearful power there is in beauty ! 
 Foolish, even impious as the thought may 
 appear, I have often felt, whilst gazing on some 
 form, replete with grace and loveliness, that 
 crime— even disbelief itself could never doom 
 a thing so fair — to everlasting torture ! 
 
 Having *' bullied the parrots," as long as 
 Atalanta would let him, Omnibus Wiggleton, 
 (or Wiggy, as you please,) re-entered the apart- 
 ment in which Lady Maddens and Guilford
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 43 
 
 were seated. The latter was listening, with 
 heroic resignation, to a long description of a 
 new Turkish dagger, which her ladyship had 
 just been lucky enough to add to her collection 
 of those interesting weapons. The grave 
 matter-of-fact way in which she assured her 
 listener that it was poisoned was highly 
 diverting. 
 
 ^' The least scratch I assure you would be 
 fatal ; nothing could save you — look, this is the 
 way they use them !" and her ladyship, in her 
 enthusiasm, made a stab at Guilford, who 
 involuntarily started back from this practical 
 demonstration of the virtuosa. 
 
 " Well, Mr. Guilford, and how does your 
 new work get on ?" enquired Atalanta. 
 
 " Which do you mean, fair cousin, my 
 chancery practice, or my poem ?" 
 
 '* Your poem, of course." 
 
 *' Oh, pretty well, 1 believe nearly tw^o hun- 
 dred copies have been sold."
 
 44 anti-coningsby; 
 
 '* But I thought it had already gone through 
 three editions ?" 
 
 " So it has— of fifty copies apiece." 
 
 *' Indeed ! but everybody talks about it, and 
 I should have thought that your friends — " 
 
 *' All expect presentation copies." 
 
 * ' Does it pay well ?" 
 
 *' Pay ! of course not ; poetry never pays 
 now." 
 
 " Yet Byron must have made an immense 
 deal by his poems?" 
 
 ** No — Murray did. But poets ought not 
 to be mercenary." 
 
 *' Have you composed anything new lately ? 
 for though the public is so terribly unpoetically 
 inclined I am still a patron of the bards.^' 
 
 " They could not have a lovelier one. Yes, 
 I have a short MS. translation of a rhapsody 
 by that eccentric German Jew, Heine." 
 
 '* Mosaic Arab you mean— how old fashioned 
 you are I"
 
 ANTI-CONINfiSBY. 45 
 
 ** Well then, Mosaic Arab, fair Atalanta. 
 Here is the rhapsody." 
 
 It was written on perfumed note paper, and 
 as Guilford handed it to Miss Maddens, their 
 hands touched for a moment, and a sympathetic 
 thrill pervaded each, bringing a " sultry blush" 
 to Atalanta's cheek. See Mr. Coventry Pat- 
 more's rhyme book, wherein common sense, 
 and Edinburgh reviewers have been recently set 
 at defiance. 
 
 Now, reader, I will bet you twenty to one 
 that Mr. Patmore does not send me a dozen of 
 champagne in gratitude for the puff? — We live 
 in a thankless world ! 
 
 *' Will you not read your translation to us ?" 
 said Atalanta. 
 
 " No," replied Guilford, " I never yet knew 
 a poem — unless it were a burlesque — that did 
 not address itself more forcibly to the eye than 
 to the ear. There is but one step, you know, 
 as Burke hath it, between the sublime and the 
 ridiculous ; and Heine it is thought often over-
 
 46 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 steps it. He is little known in England, yet 
 in humour, and wild, though profound, pathos 
 he often surpasses both Goethe and Schiller." 
 
 ** Indeed ! I wish I knew German well 
 enough to read without eternally referring to 
 that stupid dictionary. What do you think of 
 Sir Edward Lytton's translation of Schiller's 
 poems ?" 
 
 " On the whole, good, but I am surprised 
 that a man, who must possess so thorough a 
 command of the English language* should have 
 
 * His knowledge of the German language is somewhat less 
 unquestionable. I subjoin two specimens of translation the first 
 by Sir Edward Lytton, the second by one of my friends, in the 
 original metre, and almost verbally translated. Which most 
 resembles an epigram I leave the reader to decide. 
 
 TO ASTRONOMERS. 
 
 Of the nebulae and planets do not babble so to me, 
 What! is nature only mighty inasmuch as you can see, 
 Inasmuch as you can measure her immeasurable ways. 
 As she renders world and world, sun and system to your gaze. 
 Though through space your object be the sublimest to embrace 
 Never the sublime abideth — where you vainly search in space. 
 
 Vol. II., P. 101.
 
 ANTI-C0NING3BY. 47 
 
 neglected, in so many instances, to preserve the 
 metre of the originals." 
 
 " But, perhaps, it is impossible, or at any 
 rate exceedingly difficult to do so without 
 crippling the sense ?" 
 
 " Not at all — to a poet ; a title, perhaps, 
 to which Bulwer's prose gives him a better right 
 than his rhymes. But to exchange trochees 
 for iambics is perfect sacrilege, it mars the 
 spirit of the verse." 
 
 " Ah ! your spirit of the verse reminds me 
 of a new work called the ' Spirit of the age,' 
 have you read it ?" 
 
 " I tried — but, as conceited folly and puerile 
 presumption must ever disgust, I soon laid it 
 down again. If you want a good laugh —read 
 
 TO THE ASTRONOMERS. 
 
 Speak not to me so much of your suns and your nebulous 
 clasters, 
 
 Is then nature but great, that ye may number her works ? 
 Certainly yours is of aU, in space, the sublimest of objects, 
 
 But my friends, the sublime never inhabited space.
 
 48 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 it. The savage critique on poor Thomas 
 Ingoldsby is unique, and a lady of the name of 
 Mrs. Gore, who it seems perpetrates fashionable 
 novels, is puffed to the extreme." 
 
 " I thought Mrs. Gore was very popular," 
 said Lady Maddens. 
 
 '* She may be so with a certain class of very 
 young ladies, and very silly young men, and is 
 I believe much patronised by milliners, and 
 linendrapers' shopmen, curious as to the won- 
 ders of * high life,' but for my part, I regard a 
 romance writer without feeling or passion, as 
 * one resolved in spite — ' you know the rest." 
 
 " Do you consider Mrs. Gore's writings as 
 devoid of feeling then ?" 
 
 " Not exactly devoid^ but very deficient in 
 that of a nobler species. Her subjects are in 
 themselves essentially trivial." 
 
 '* Yes," quoth Omnibus, " she dispenses the 
 passions in her novels quite on the homoepathic 
 principle — small, confounded small !" 
 
 *' I think," said Atalanta, *' that sublimity is
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 49 
 
 getting very scarce in modern romantic litera- 
 ture. Wehaveno'Yatheks/no ' Frankensteins,' 
 not even any ' Melmoths' or ' Vampires' now-a- 
 days." 
 
 *' We are all for fun, fashion, and politics,' 
 said Omnibus. 
 
 ** You forget ' Zanoni,' " said Lady Maddens. 
 
 " True, that was a fine conception," replied 
 Guilford, "the 'guardian of the threshold' is 
 awfully grand ! Bulwer is scarcely sufficiently 
 appreciated in England ; we are too practical 
 in our views, and an idealist who maltreats his 
 wife, meets with but little sympathy. A 
 hero even becomes less heroic in our eyes, if 
 we know the author to be a coxcomb. And 
 although affectation and coxcombry mai/ be 
 assumed, yet when a man clings to them for a 
 series of years, we begin to regard these vices 
 as part and parcel of his character, and behold 
 with wonder, so strange a mixture of the great 
 and mean, comprised within the compass of 
 •ne soul. Alas ! history atfords a thousand 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 50 ANTI-CONINGSBY, 
 
 instances of men ' for others wise, themselves 
 unskilled to teach !" 
 
 " Well," said Wiggleton, " give me Dick- 
 ens !" 
 
 '* Nothing," rejoined Guilford, " can be 
 more graphic than his descriptions, nothing 
 more accurate than the delineation of his 
 characters — such as they are." 
 
 '^ And what fault do you find with them — 
 Oh ! most fastidious of lawyers?" said Omnibus. 
 
 " That which has formed the basis of their 
 popularity — that they are, without exception, 
 commonplace." 
 
 " What ! do you not think it delightful to 
 meet in a novel, with the very characters we 
 constantly see in real life ?" 
 
 '' Certainly not, I wish to be instructed as 
 well as amused. Without novelty I am never 
 amused, and novelty is always instructive." 
 
 '* What instruction," said Lady Maddens, 
 '^ can you, for instance, derive from Lord 
 Byron's ' Lara,' or ' Manfred,' of which I
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 5 1 
 
 haye frequently heard you express great ad- 
 miration ?" 
 
 " I become acquainted with the phases of a 
 mind differing from my own, and from the 
 generality of mankind's. In Dickens I merely 
 find that which I already know. Byron was 
 an originator, so was Mr. Beckford, so is 
 Bulwer.* But Dickens et hoc genus omne are 
 merely skilful copyists from every day nature. 
 Nothing appears to me more absurd, than to 
 abuse a book because it is unnatural, (I do not 
 mean inconsistent) as if an author could ever 
 conceive anything that was not natural, as if 
 the creations of the zwternal, were to be regu- 
 lated by the same laws as those which govern 
 the external world." 
 
 *' There," exclaimed Omnibus who was 
 standing at the window, " is a very re- 
 markable microcosm coming this way. If I 
 am not mistaken that is Mr. Sidonia's Cabriolet. 
 
 * Notwithstanding his innumerable plagiarisms. 
 D 3 
 
 lIBRAFt
 
 52 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Well, I shall evaporate, and leave poor Guil- 
 ford to be badgered by the Mosaic Arabian. 
 He will * take the shine out of you, ' as the 
 watering-cart said to the boots— good bye, aunt 
 — good bye, Atty !" 
 
 '' Remember, six precisely is our dinner 
 hour," said Guilford. 
 
 " If Ben leaves anything of you alive to do 
 the honors," replied Wiggy, and effected a 
 hasty exit. 
 
 Two minutes afterwards Sidonia entered the 
 apartment.
 
 AXTI-CONINGSBY. 53 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE MOSAIC ARAB. 
 
 Tmancendental philosophers care very little 
 about time or place. Nevertheless it would 
 not be amiss to inform you that the game has 
 been kept up, in the last three chapters, at a 
 well-furnished house in Baker-Street, dur- 
 ing the hours usually devoted to morning 
 visiters. 
 
 Mr. Ben Sidonia was a man of a peculiarly 
 solemn aspect, with rather a good-looking coun- 
 tenance, corkscrew curls, and a sarcastic curl 
 of lip. Fame whispered that he used the curl-
 
 54 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 ing tongs to his hair, and knowing that the 
 softer sex, whose favour I have ever more 
 especially wished to court, are fond of those 
 * little particulars.' I despatched a keen- 
 witted emissary — one Nadgett, formerly in the 
 service of the notorious Mr. Tigg Montague 
 — to bribe the Arabian's valet, with the view 
 of ascertaining satisfactorily, whether the 
 report, that Ben stuck pins in his cravat to 
 prick him, whenever he so far forgot his 
 dignity, as to smile, had any foundation in 
 fact. The valet, also pertaining to that race, 
 whence, if there is any truth in modern his- 
 tory, all great statesmen, savans^ conquerors, 
 and artists of times past and present have 
 sprung, the valet, I say, took the bribe— and 
 kept his information. Thanks to which 
 fraudulent proceeding the question at issue 
 still remains enveloped in the same mysterious 
 doubtfulness as at the commencement of the 
 investigation.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 55 
 
 " Morning !" said Sidonia, with his accus- 
 tomed terseness. 
 
 '* Good morning, Mr. Sidonia — how do you 
 do — pray be seated/' said Lady Maddens, 
 '' what charming weather we have had lately — 
 but I fear a change is impending — have you 
 any idea how the wind is ?" 
 
 " Blowing," responded the Arab. 
 
 " But from what quarter ?" 
 
 " There is a weathercock on the house oppo- 
 site," said Guilford, " but I am so short- 
 sighted." 
 
 " The age of weathercocks is past," said 
 Sidonia. 
 
 Did he look wise ? did his countenance 
 assume a fifty Solomon power of sapience ? — 
 not in the least ! 
 
 " Of political weathercocks," continued the 
 Mosaic. 
 
 " Well," said Guilford, '' we shall see, for 
 my part, I doubt not but that Grahams and
 
 56 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Stanleys Avill be found in the young England 
 cabinet, if not parallels to the sugar-question- 
 rescinders." 
 
 " Thickandthinites, as my cousin Omnibus 
 calls them," said Atalanta smiling. . _7!j 
 
 " I must go," said Sidonia, " I have an ap- 
 pointment at the Antipodes." 
 
 " Dear me !" exclaimed Lady Maddens, " I 
 should have thought that at such a crisis — your 
 friend — I might almost say your pupil taking 
 office." 
 
 " Time was, time is, time will be I" said 
 the wealthy Arab portentously. 
 
 *' At least you must come and see my dag- 
 gers — I have a new one just arrived from 
 Stamboul !" 
 
 '- Excuse me, not this morning," said 
 Sidonia, who like most of Lady Madden's ac- 
 quaintance had a great horror of her lectures 
 on points^ illustrated as they generally were by 
 gestures, anything but safe to the lookers on.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 57 
 
 In fact he had narrowly escaped getting his 
 chest cut open one day, by an ataghan which 
 her ladyship had recently acquired : and as 
 Theodore Hook (not Lucian Dull) would 
 have said, '* there is nothing Mosaic Arabs 
 so intensely dread as an attack upon their 
 chests J ^ 
 
 This pun by the way is rather an ancient 
 one, and it may be interesting to antiquarians 
 to know that according to the Talmud it was 
 first discovered by Noah, as he quitted the ark 
 upon Mount Ararat, (or the altar of rats) a 
 shrine to which many a pious pilgrimage is 
 undertaken by the elect votaries of St. Ste- 
 phen's. The passage will be found in that 
 part of the Talmud immediately following the 
 expositions of the various reasons which led 
 to pigs becoming contraband amongst the 
 Hebrews, viz, the wickedness of Ham, who 
 is thus held up to the obloquy of posterity, and 
 the naturally prudent character of the Lord's 
 
 D O
 
 58 ANTI-CONING8BY. 
 
 people, which rendered them extremely averse 
 to ' going the whole hog,' as well as their 
 economy, which disposed them to ' save their 
 bacon ' under all circumstances.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 59 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE GREAT MEASURE. 
 
 Half London was as merry as Grigs. 
 
 '' What are Grigs ?" inquires an intelligent 
 reader. 
 
 What are they ? — how should I know — 
 Grigs are grigs, of course ; but I will ask Mr 
 Grant — he wrote TTie Great Metropolis, and 
 what is more surprising / read it, 
 
 " You jest surely ?" 
 
 Fact, by the prophet ! — I did it to spite 
 ' Punch,' who adopted one of my jokes and 
 refused a contribution I condescended to remit 
 to him by the twopenny. ' Punch' abused
 
 60 ANTI-CONINGSBY, 
 
 Grant, you know— called him Grunt and all 
 manner of scurrilities. 
 
 '^ Well, I rather like 'Punch.'" 
 
 **It grieves me to hear you say so, but stop a 
 moment, I will tell you a short and melan- 
 choly tale — " a tail unfold," as the boa-constrictor 
 said. 
 
 " Once upon a time there was a wit, a pro- 
 fessed punster, an after-dinner hero, a lion at 
 small evening re-unions. But that was not 
 all ; the jokes, whose virgin bloom was devoted 
 to his admiring intimates, he subsequently dis- 
 posed of, at a trifle per dozen, to the publisher 
 of a weekly periodical. He was a young 
 medical man in want of a practice, which he did 
 not possess the means of purchasing, and the 
 trifle he received for his jocosities, constituted 
 at least one half of a particularly slender 
 income. * Punch' became popular, and my 
 friend became seedy. I was young and ver- 
 dant then, nor blushed to own a poor — even 
 a seedy friend. * Labuntur anniy I have
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 61 
 
 gained experience, seen the sublime rascality 
 of the world, studied moral philosophy, and 
 cut all needy connections whose talents were 
 not immediately conducive to my private interest. 
 One day I metthe ci devant punster, but what a 
 change came o'er the spirit of my dream ! 
 
 " Why old fellow," said I, '* you look as 
 lively as if you were being led to the scaf- 
 fold !" 
 
 " It is all up with me," replied he with a 
 ghastly smile. 
 
 " What is the matter ?" I enquired laugh- 
 ing at this instance of the force of habit. 
 
 *•' Punch !" said he gloomily. 
 
 *' You talk like a sphinx." 
 
 *' The publisher of the refuses to 
 
 buy my jokes any longer, he swears that he 
 saw more than half of them in the back num- 
 bers of the London Charivari." 
 
 " Well, the truth can be easily proved by 
 reference."
 
 62 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 '' He will not listen to reason." 
 " Then try rhyme — or another publisher." 
 " They all tell the same story. In fact they 
 find it much easier to take the squibs from 
 ' Punch' and insert them themselves in their 
 papers without giving a ' rap' for them, than 
 to pay for original witticisms." 
 
 " Dolts !" said I emphatically. There is 
 nothing so consoling to one who fancies him- 
 self an injured individual, as to abuse those 
 by whom he conceives himself ill-used. 
 
 '* And would you believe it," said the ex- 
 punster spitefully, " There is that Victoria 
 Jones, the hero of the ' heavy miscellany' who 
 wrote in ^Punch/and still writes in it I believe, 
 has cribbed every idea worth anything, in his 
 last three novels from Paul de Kock's *' Jolie 
 fille du Faubourg.^' The piracies are most 
 barefaced, ' Joe Jollit — is ' le petit trisorC 
 all over ; the crab pie is a paraphrase of the 
 mouse pie, the — "
 
 ANTI-C0NING8BY. DO 
 
 "Spare yourself the trouble of recapitulation,! 
 have read both the French and the English 
 tales, and of course made the same discovery ; 
 it is too contemptible for notice. Yet I have 
 known still meaner trickeries perpetrated. 
 About two years ago (in the September num- 
 ber I think) Captain Medwin translated the 
 introduction to Hauff's ' Memoiren des Satans,' 
 merely altering the names, and published it in 
 the * New Monthly Magazine,' as ' Desaga, a tale 
 in the manner of Hoffman!' I wrote a few lines 
 on the subject to Mr. Hood, the then editor, 
 but forgot to send them to the post, and found 
 the note a day or two ago at the bottom of my 
 writing desk, which accounted for its not hav- 
 ing been noticed. " 
 
 " True meris never gets a chanct !" grum- 
 bled the discarded joker— the ancien militaire 
 of the corps d^ esprit — with a sigh, '^ I must 
 call upon my patient — my only paying patient. 
 Good heavens ! if by some miraculous accident
 
 ^4 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 he were all at once to ojet well again — what 
 would become of me ?" 
 
 ''A 'late physician' perhaps,*' said I with 
 a half smile : a moment afterwards I repented 
 the unkind pun. Not so my friend ; he 
 laughed most vociferously. 
 
 *' Very good !" he exclaimed " ha ha ha ! a 
 little hydrocianic* acid — a few drops would do 
 it — or one drop — from a hat peg with a noose 
 round one's neck. By the bye could you lend 
 me five pounds for a day or two ?" 
 
 *' Who could refuse a man who had laughed so 
 heartily at one's bad jest ? — Not I by Lucifer ! 
 — any more than I could refuse my mite after 
 hearing one of the Bishop of London's charity 
 sermons ; they carry one back so delectably to 
 one's joyous school days, reminding miscalcu- 
 lating, spendthrifts, with dulcet sweetness of 
 
 * Vulgar Prussic — but what author in his senses would 
 ever use a two syllabled in preference to a five syllabled word ?
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 65 
 
 Cocker's arithmetic and the mysteries of alge- 
 braic equations !* 
 
 Vanitas vanitatum et omnia vanitas. 
 
 Here comes my * Bailey' — well, sir ? what 
 
 * Though far from. being a bigot in religious matters, I de- 
 cidedly think that the people have a right to as many churches 
 as they require. ButI have been all over London and its suburbs, 
 and do not hesitate to assert, that there are not a half a dozen 
 churches in the metropolis, which are not amply large enough 
 for the congregations attending them. More than half the 
 churches are most barely attended, and yet, the bishop in his 
 ivisdom astounds admiring crowds from the pulpit by popula- 
 tion statistics, omitting such trifling facts as the numerous 
 dissenters, the section of little children, the three 
 jjervices a day performed at the houses of worship, &c. 
 And the great-souled bishop talks as coolly of building 
 churches by the hundred, as if they were really 
 wanted. O Paul ! apostle of the Gentiles ! immeasurably in- 
 ferior as thou wert to thy Great Master in the sublime sim- 
 plicity of doctrine, how little didst thou dream that the day 
 would come, when Christian fathers would gravely hold dis* 
 cussions, as to the propriety of exchanging a black pinbefore 
 for a white one, or vice versa. 
 
 How long will men continue to prefer the worthless shell to 
 the invaluable kernel ! Squabbling Churchmen ! howling 
 IMethodists I pompous Catholics !— turn back to the master- 
 mind from whence your vitiated creeds have sprunga— and 
 4tudy wisdom.
 
 66 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 tidings from Gruntimagne, what news from 'The 
 Great Metropolis ?' 
 
 " Hif you pliz sur, Mr. Grunt ses has Grigs 
 his a corrumpshun hof Greeks— and didn't 
 'e just look flattered vhen hi haxed im ? — 
 
 reether !" 
 
 To resume. Half London, as we observed 
 
 at the commencement of the chapter, was as 
 merry as Grigs (Gruntice Greeks) the other 
 half wallowing in the slough of despond, tor- 
 mented by legions of blue devils, or as Lady 
 Maddens poetically termed them, ''fiends of 
 azure hue." 
 
 Young England formed the theme of every 
 tongue. * Young England taverns,' and * New 
 generation hotels' (which latter nomenclature 
 gave rise to puns most vile) were to be seen 
 all over the country. Moses, the Hebrew 
 Arabian vendor of economical apparel, had a 
 steam-engine constructed for the manufacture 
 of white waistcoats and chokers, (ingeniously
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 67 
 
 and savingly combined in one) which had a 
 prodigious sale at fourpence-halfpenny a piece, 
 or three and sixpence a dozen to the trade ; 
 and he talked of erecting a plaster-of-Paris 
 statue to the gentleman Jew, who had taken 
 out a patent for weaving white calico from hay 
 and soapsuds, for the construction of the afore- 
 said miraculous garments. But that came to 
 nothing, for a second noble Israelite found 
 out a method of producing the stufif mentioned 
 from soapsuds alone^ which completely did up 
 the other gentleman's invention. To quote 
 the renowned Bombastes — 
 
 K. " Thus have I heard on Afric's burning shore, 
 A grieTous lion give a grievous roar ; 
 The grievous roar echoed along the shore. 
 
 B. Thus have / heard on Afric's burning shore, 
 Another Hon give another roar, 
 And the last Uon thought the first a hore /" 
 
 The Coningsby cabinet was soon formed ; 
 with few exceptions it consisted of new men
 
 68 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 little known to the oi polloi. What their 
 opinions and intentions were, the world was at 
 a loss to conjecture That they meant to do 
 something very grand, to astonish the nation, 
 to go the total pig, as the Italians say, ' il por- 
 cello tutto ' in some direction or other was uni- 
 versally believed. Still people were puzzled. 
 The ' Times,' which had become the ministerial 
 organ, was amusing, vague and indefinite, in 
 its leaders. Now and then to be sure, an 
 article in the terse and well-known style of the 
 new lion, full of his own praises, appeared ; oc- 
 casionally too he reviewed his own works in 
 that journal w4th inflexible impartiality, and it 
 was generally considered, that no man praised 
 himself with so much elegance as Mr. Con- 
 ingsby. He was particularly careful in draw- 
 ing attention to his youth which he apparently 
 regarded as a remarakbly meritorious pecu- 
 liarity. 
 
 To find a solution of their doubts, men
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 69 
 
 turned to the Sidonian manifesto of 1844 ; 
 and half studied their heads off, over the con- 
 tradictory and mysterious principles it con 
 tained, whilst they shuddered at the desperate 
 alternatives proposed in sundry passages of the 
 ' New Generation.' 
 
 A volume of * Historic Fancies ' in prose 
 and verse, by another New Englandite, threw 
 no light upon the subject (which indeed still 
 remains to some extent involved in its primeval 
 obscurity) though it gave rise to some amusing 
 discussions, as to the author's political opinions. 
 Some regarding him as a staunch Russian ; 
 others as a ferocious Jacobin. In reality he 
 was neither one nor the other, but a New 
 Englandite, i. e. a sort of cross between the 
 two. 
 
 JEst natura hominum novitatis avida. 
 
 Conservation — formerly termed whigism — 
 began to be looked upon as vastly slow, by the 
 fast men »t the clubs. Peel got pelted witk
 
 70 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 decayed vegetables, and the Duke of "Welling- 
 ton was hissed and hooted by the populace 
 whenever he appeared in public. 
 
 Time rolled on, parliament was re-opened 
 and the Queen's speech was read— it was 
 written by Ben Sidonia, and was replete with 
 fine sayings, darkly magnificent in their ob- 
 scurity and epigrammatic nothings. Nobody un- 
 derstood it, though everybody professed to 
 admire it ; (it was quite selon le regie,) and the 
 session began in earnest. 
 
 If the soi-disant conservative government 
 erred in adopting expediency as their prin- 
 ciple ; certes, the New Generation cabinet ran 
 most unequivocally into the opposite extreme, 
 inasmuch as several of their measures were so 
 remarkable for their ^expediency, that in more 
 cases than one, practicability asserted its supe- 
 riority over theory by a reference in Italics^ 
 (that resource of weak minds as saith the Book of 
 Ben) to -possibilities, which puzzled the heroic 
 school not a little.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 71 
 
 I am not about to enter into a minute detail 
 of all the acts that were passed, and the 
 speeches that were made during that ever 
 memorable session. And wherefore should I 
 waste my time, my ink, and the reader's 
 patience in so doing ? are they not written in 
 the voluminous reports of that mighty journal 
 of which a constant subscriber sagaciously 
 remarks — 
 
 " Tempora mutantur et nos mutamxir ah ilUs." 
 " The Ti/nes has turned its coat and so have we." 
 
 I translate the above elegant quotation for 
 the benefit of those young ladies (if such there 
 yet exist) who have not studied the defunct 
 languages, from the Eton Grammar, a work 
 that in wise sayings and exquisite bon mots, 
 out Miller's Miller, and out Rochefoucault's 
 Rochefoucault ; it is indeed a book to quote 
 its own words, ' primus inter omnes.'' 
 
 One of the most important acts passed by 
 the way, was Lord Chancellor Brougham's, ' to
 
 72 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 do away with imprisonment for theft,' sold 
 under the title of ' Swindling Made Easy,' by 
 the perambulating Law-booksellers, for the 
 trifling consideration of one penny of lawful 
 British money. Who would have dreamed 
 of Lord Brougham again becoming chancellor ? 
 and yet appointing him to that office, was 
 perhaps the least extraordinary proceeding of 
 the Coningsby administration. For the rest, 
 suffice it to say that the new Cabinet went on 
 fast and furiously, making alterations without 
 improvements, promises without redeeming 
 them, and orations without meaning or 
 consistency, until towards the end of the 
 season Mr. Coningsby, to the dismay of 
 Europe, brought forward the great measure 
 — the question by which he was resolved to 
 stand or fall — the (for God's sake printer print 
 it in large letters !) THE JEWISH EMAN- 
 CIPATION BILL !
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 73 
 
 At first the bill was most vehemently op- 
 posed ; but Ben Sidonia having taken an op- 
 portunity of visiting several of the most 
 refractory members, they suddenly became very 
 ill, and ceased to make their appearance at St. 
 Stephen's. Some libellous people said that 
 Sidonia bribed their servants to give them 
 emetics every morning in their coffee ; others 
 that he bribed the honourable members them- 
 selves, in their own proper persons, which after 
 all was a much more straightforward and sen- 
 sible plan. 
 
 The bill was passed, in fine, givino- the 
 children of Israel equality of rights, political 
 and municipal, in every respect with the Saxon 
 English. Great were the rejoicings in Houns- 
 ditch, uproarious the posterity in Holywell street. 
 Even the thrice renowned Closes of the Minories 
 gave his long-nosed shopmen a holiday — yes, a 
 whole holiday, save to the stokers and others 
 employed in working the white waistcoat and 
 choker steam engine, the demand for whose 
 
 VOL. I. E
 
 74 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 produce had increased to a surprising extent. 
 Sidonia the magnificent caused an obelisk to 
 be erected in Trafalgar Square, upon which 
 Mr. Coningsby's great speech was inscribed in 
 electroplated golden characters for the benefit 
 of posterity. Unhappily, like Rousseau's ode 
 to the same personage — it never reached its 
 address, being pulled down by the mob in the 
 year 1850, just about the time the fountains, in 
 the same square, commenced playing, to the 
 great astonishment of London, whose inhabi- 
 tants had long despaired of any such event ever 
 coming to pass. 
 
 At the conclusion of the session, the Queen, 
 by the advice of her ministry, dissolved the 
 Parliament. '' Tadpole and Taper" declared 
 that the premier had '* settled his own hash," 
 and talked about re-action ; although several of 
 the more influential members of the old Con- 
 servative party had dispersed themselves over 
 the Continent, some locating at Paris, others 
 Skt Baden Baden, others again at Boom, firmly
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 75 
 
 persuaded that the country was going to the 
 devil ; which simply signified that they saw no 
 chance of regaining office. Perhaps they were 
 right. As saith Bombastes— 
 
 " Thus when some schooUboy on a rainy day, 
 Finds that his comrades will no longer play, 
 He takes the hint himself— -and walks away." 
 
 E 3
 
 76 ANTI-CONINGSBY, 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 ISEAEL. 
 
 The talented champion of the Hebrew Arabian 
 race urges two things chiefly in their favor ; 
 the one is that they are a strictly monarchical 
 people ; the other that they are such excellent 
 citizens. These propositions he defends in his 
 own peculiar style— that is by bold and un- 
 qualified assertion ; a mode of " arguing the 
 point," as Midshipman Easy termed it, almost 
 as effective with regard to the general mass of 
 readers as the most refined arguments, and the 
 most laboriously collected proofs.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 77 
 
 But the Jewish history, as we have it written 
 by their own historians, is one chain of wars, 
 conspiracies, murders, seditions and rascalities. 
 
 The catalogue of crimes in the history of 
 other nations, giants in population and extent 
 as they are, compared to the Jews, is insignifi- 
 cant if contrasted with the interminable list of 
 atrocities committed by that erewhile chosen, 
 but now rejected as incorrigible people. Nor 
 are the pages of their chronology, like those of 
 Greece and Rome, illuminated by countless 
 instances of devoted and patriotic heroism, 
 which might be thrown into the scales to coun- 
 terbalance their evil deeds. Such cases, with 
 the Mosaic Arabs are few, and far between. 
 
 I am not prejudiced against the Jews; I 
 have known amongst them men of lofty genius, 
 and the most liberal notions ; but alas I these 
 too are but the exceptions that prove the rule. 
 To punish the Jews of the present age for the 
 crimes of their fore-fathers, would be as absurd 
 as it would be unjust. But it is not their
 
 78 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 ancestral iniquities alone that condemn the 
 modern Israelites to be as it were the outcasts 
 and pariahs of society. It is their religion, 
 with its ridiculous outward forms and symbols,* 
 and their own peculiar moral and intellectual 
 natures. 
 
 Immense numbers of them are virtually 
 Atheists, and Atheism is an evil, whose influ- 
 ence upon low and ill-regulated minds is incal- 
 culably injurious. The grand characteristic of 
 the Jewish race is, and I think I may venture 
 to add always has been — their unscrupulous- 
 ness. It is a common saying which you may 
 hear every day, " Oh ! he is a Jew, he sticks at 
 nothing P* 
 
 It is this " sticking at nothing," that like a 
 subtle spirit seems to pervade their history, it 
 is this that makes them what they are, wan- 
 
 * What can be more absurd than for a modern English or 
 German Jew to conceive himself bound by laws evidently 
 constructed with reference to a land and climate differing in 
 every respect from that which he now inhabits.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 79 
 
 derers in every land, despised of every nation ; 
 Ahasuerus is but the type of his race. They 
 may acquire wealth, they may obtain rank, 
 title, and nobility (!) but whilst they think and 
 act like Jews, they will remain in their present 
 humiliating and degraded position — perhaps 
 for ever ! 
 
 END OF BOOK I.
 
 80 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 SECOND BOOK. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 A DINNER AT GUILFORD'S. 
 
 Clarence Guilford, although an active and 
 ambitious man, was extremely fond of pleasure 
 (scarcely a peculiarity, I opine) and rarely ne- 
 glected anything that could tend to his comfort 
 or enjoyment. His knowledge of the world 
 was profound ; his judgment calm and free 
 from prejudice^ that most hideous of monsters, 
 so prolifically abundant in these happy climes ; 
 but the philosophy he had adopted was of a 
 somewhat gloomy and scornful character.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 8 1 
 
 Like Vdlney, he recognised in self-interest 
 the primary motive of all human actions. 
 '' What is love ?" he would say, " but the de- 
 sire of selfish enjoyment? How often is a man 
 generous merely to save himself trouble and 
 annoyance, or with the view of securing a 
 four-fold repayment of his bounty ! How 
 many men cloak their insatiable avarice under 
 the pretence that they labour for their children, 
 and not for themselves ; but do we find them 
 enriching their offspring whilst they live ? 
 No ! it is only when the icy arm of death de- 
 prives them of their stake* in this world, when 
 their title of possession virtually expires, like 
 themselves, that they reluctantly yield their 
 hoarded gains to an unweeping heir. 
 
 " How many acts of devoted patriotism owe 
 their origin to filthy lucre, vile ambition, or 
 the grovelling hope of fame? How frequently 
 
 * Suicides are an exception to this rule, who u^ed anciently 
 to be buried where four roads met, with stakes driven through 
 their bodies. 
 
 E 5
 
 82 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 is gratitude merely evinced to get rid of a 
 painful burden ? What is honesty but worldly 
 prudence ? What is religion to the world, but 
 a wearisome task, which nothing but the dread 
 of eternal damnation, and the hope of future 
 bliss induces people to perform ; and this is 
 evident, from the strange attempts they make 
 to lighten the unloved labour. Some would be 
 saved by belief alone ; others, with less cul- 
 pable fanaticism, by the sole merit of their 
 works ; others, having reached the acme 
 of moral laziness and spiritual far niente, rely 
 upon the doctrine of election and special grace 
 — a sort of celestial ballot with which it would 
 be both useless and impious were they to pre- 
 sume to interfere !" 
 
 To enjoy life was Guilford's motto ; but he 
 had sufficient wisdom at times to sacrifice a 
 trifling present pleasure to a great future ob- 
 ject. Perceiving, however, that excitement 
 was the essence of enjoyment, and that few 
 pleasures were to be obtained without wealtli^
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 83 
 
 he selected a profession which combined both 
 necessities, and in an incredible short period 
 of time, became a solicitor, with an excellent 
 practice. 
 
 Although he had employed his three years 
 of probation (his degree shortened the usual 
 period by two years) to great advantage, and 
 had thoroughly mastered the difficulties of his 
 metier^ he devoted but little of his time or at- 
 tention to the rigmarole of legal difficulties. 
 A clever, managing clerk, by name Melville, 
 perfectly competent to conduct all the business 
 of the office, for a salary of a couple of hundred 
 pounds a year, took most of the trouble off his 
 hands. To this gentleman, for such he was 
 by birth and education, all the practical super- 
 intendence was left, Guilford himself merely 
 attending consultations. In these it was his 
 wont, as soon as his client had fully stated his 
 case, to point out without circumlocutioii, or 
 raising difficulties which never existed, the most 
 advicable course to pursue under the circum-
 
 84 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 stances ; and it is worthy of remark, that in 
 common with most first rate solicitors, he never 
 recommended litigation where it could possibly 
 be avoided, although by so doing he might 
 have easily doubled his income. 
 
 It is, or rather was some time ago, the fashion 
 to abuse the profession to which Guilford 
 belonged, and " low, shabby, dirty attorneys, 
 miserable attorneys' clerks," &c., &c., were 
 much in vogue in soi-disant^ fashionable novels y 
 a class of writing in which but too often the 
 innate vulgarity of the scribe, male or female, 
 as the case may be, shines out the more palpa- 
 bly from the halo of false refinement attempted 
 to be assumed. Yet there are two writers who 
 have described, naturally and unaffectedly, the 
 modus Vivendi of an aristocracy — the departed 
 Goethe and Mrs. Shelley. They did not fill 
 their works with the vapid small talk of empty 
 headed coxcombs, and young ladies, super- 
 naturally silly ; they did not shudder with af- 
 fected horror at some insignificant bourgeois
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 85 
 
 trait ; they did not make their heros and heroines 
 converse in a compound mixture of every lan- 
 guage under the sun, and act in a way no 
 creature in its senses either would, could, or 
 ought to act. Xo ! their fictitious characters 
 are individuals distinguished either by outward 
 circumstances or internal peculiarities of mental 
 construction from the herd of monarchs, mem- 
 bers of the aristocracy, members of the snobo- 
 cracy, &c. 
 
 But I am digressing again as usual, and must 
 return to the last station for my umbrella. Let 
 me see, where was I ? Oh ! defending the at- 
 torneys against the (un) fashionables. 
 
 Well — to quote Warren's " Ten Thousand 
 a Year," in sentiment, if not in words, " al- 
 though doubtless there are many men who 
 disgrace this profession, (as every other,) yet, 
 were not the general body of solicitors men of 
 the most honorable principles, the evil they 
 would do is incalculably great." But for my 
 part, I am convinced that the study of the law,
 
 86 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 by shewing the danger thereby incurred, has a 
 powerful tendency to restrain the slightest de- 
 viation from the beaten path of honor. There 
 is however one little practice to which this 
 otherwise immaculate tribe is occasionally ad- 
 dicted. I allude to their not always paying 
 their cousins german of the bar their fees 
 along with their briefs, which system of " tick," 
 however well adapted to the bar of a public- 
 house, appears to your humble servant (as a 
 Lord Chancellor in petto) exceedingly reprehen- 
 sible. 
 
 Guilford's chambers in Lincoln's Inn Fields 
 were on the first floor. His private apartments 
 were almost luxuriously furnished. Every 
 thing was rich and massive. The walls were 
 dexterously papered to represent marble, 
 the chairs and sofas were covered with crimson 
 damask. In the centre of the front room, 
 which was of great size, stood a large, round, 
 rosewood table, inlaid with mother of pearl, 
 the walls were decorated with a few proof-en-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 87 
 
 gravings, in carved mahogany frames. There 
 were two pier-glasses between the three 
 windows, reaching from the ceiling to the 
 ground, the curtains were of crimson damask, 
 like the chairs, and the Turkey carpet was soft 
 as the fur of an Angora cat. One end of the 
 room was entirely occupied by a bookcase, the 
 lowest shelves, alone, of which were devoted to 
 legal lore. There was a superb miniature cast 
 of Eve; at the fountain, in one corner of the 
 room. Bronzed busts of Milton, Shakspeare, 
 and Sir Walter Scott, stood on the top of the 
 bookcase, and a marble one of Lord Byron, 
 " alone in his glory," frowned upon you from 
 an escrutoire. 
 
 Clarence himself reclined upon a couple of 
 chairs — your geniuses like to apply things to 
 purposes, for which they were never intended 
 and ran his eye over an article in the " Foreign 
 Quarterly," wherein the reviewer took great 
 pains to prove that ^Madame Dudevant, alia*
 
 88 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 George Sand, was an exceedingly moral writer, 
 whatever she might be as a woman,*' 
 
 "• Good I" muttered Guilford, " the scribe is 
 on the wrong side of the hedge of course, but 
 then how can a man display his cleverness by 
 defending a true proposition ?" 
 
 Guilford was eminently handsome, and as he 
 lay, a crimson tint suffused over his form by 
 the reflection of one of the curtains, his long, 
 light, curling hair falling back from his magni- 
 ficent forehead, his dark eyebrows, and deep 
 blue eyes, his proud curling lip, and clear, pale 
 complexion contrasted with the unvarying 
 black of his costume, his fine shape,! set off 
 
 * In Lady Bulwer's lively and satirical novel, " The 
 Memoirs of a Muscovite," this article is alluded to ; especially 
 the paradoxical comparison between George Sand and Eugene 
 Sue, in which the morality (?) of the former is preferred to the 
 truly noble principles and enligthened philanthropy of the latter. 
 I must confess that the article in question excited my infinite 
 disgust. 
 
 f It will be perceived, perhaps carped at, that I have cho^n 
 a hero or heroine of faultless beauty, and not like the mob of 
 my confreres, ' countenances although not strictly handsome,
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 89 
 
 by a closely buttoned surtout, the delicacy of 
 his feet and hands, and the laisser aller of a 
 frame, remarkable for symmetry and strength, 
 would have indeed formed a worthy study for 
 the pencil of an artist. Who says that the 
 present race of men has degenerated from that 
 of bygone days ? pshaw ! it is the silliest of 
 delusions — though even Homer talked, nearly 
 three thousand years ago, of" such men as live 
 in these degenerated days." Does anybody 
 suppose that the trees, or the ducks and turkeys 
 have degenerated ? Does my ancestral sword, 
 rusted by the lapse of centuries, weigh heavier 
 in my hand than in that of its first possessor ? 
 Inspect the armour at the Tower, regard the 
 marble relics of ancient Greece, compare the 
 mummies in the catacombs of Egypt — remains 
 of monarchs, whose very names have been for- 
 gotten ! Once more pshaw ! 
 
 " features not perfectly regular," &c. ; my motive in so doing, 
 and in many other instances, will be understood by those who 
 have eyes to see, and ears to hear — a peculiarity by no means 
 so common as is imagined.
 
 90 ANTI-COXINGSBY. 
 
 The clock struck six, and at the same mo- 
 ment Guilford's bell was rung pretty loudly. 
 Ere its vibrations had ceased the earliest of the 
 young lawyer's guests made his appearance, 
 the punctual Lord Harrowdrake. 
 
 *' How do you do, my lord ?" said Clarence 
 rising, and throwing aside his book. 
 
 " As well as can be expected ;" replied his 
 lordship, '* by the way, Guilford, did you hear 
 of that terrible accident the other day ?" 
 
 '* Not a word, but 1 shall be happy to be 
 enlightened," said Guilford with a smile. 
 
 " Well, you see, there was a cart full of bone 
 dust going along Holborn, when a little boy, 
 suffering unfortunately from a cataract in both 
 eyes, fell down under the wheels, and before 
 you could say ' Jack Kobinson,' or even ' Jack' 
 without the ' Robinson,' the right wheel went 
 over his head, he uttered a piercing shriek, and 
 all his brains were scattered over the stockings 
 of a young woman just crossing the road." 
 
 " He was killed of course ?"
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 91 
 
 *' Dead as mutton," said Lord Harrowdrake 
 gravely, taking snuff from a curious box, formed 
 of an infant's skull, set in silver. 
 
 Lord Harrowdrake had become celebrated 
 in society through his penchant^ for horrible 
 stories, and newspaper accidents, which he re- 
 tailed to his acquaintance with infinite gusto, 
 adding horror to horror with a refinement of 
 invention perfectly appalling. 
 
 *' Good heavens how horrible !" exclaimed 
 Clarence, when his noble friend had recited the 
 above, entertaining anecdote. 
 
 '' Ah !" said Harrowdrake, '' that was nothing 
 to the case of — " 
 
 Just then there was another ring at the bell, 
 and the vivacious Mr. Omnibus Wiggleton, ac- 
 companied by Mr. Melville, entered the room. 
 
 " I'll tell you the other case at dinner," said 
 his lordship looking rather vexed at the inter- 
 ruption. 
 
 " Spare us good Lord ! spare our appetites,
 
 92 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 and at least wait till the dessert," exclaimed 
 Omnibus, shaking hands with the peer. 
 
 " What, you back again ?" said Lord Har- 
 rowdrake,"! thought you told me at Paris that 
 you never meant to return to London. By 
 the way, what devilish luck you used to have 
 at Roulette ; and by the way, how is the little 
 fiery-whiskered marquis ?" 
 
 '* He is alive and well himself, but as for his 
 whiskers — quod rerum omnium est primum — they 
 are like Ainsworth's masquerading antiquities, 
 no longer red^ but dyed a beautiful, purple 
 brown, quite refreshing to behold." 
 
 '* And how is H , the man who shaved 
 
 his own nose off in a fit of abstraction ?" 
 
 ** Gone to another — query, better world. 
 He shuffled off this mortal coil about six weeks 
 ago, and the last time I had an interview with 
 him was at the Morgue r 
 
 '« And how did he look?" enquired the lover 
 of horrors, eagerly.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 93 
 
 '* He did not look at all," replied the pro- 
 voking "Wiggleton, " he was dead, and had his 
 eyes shut." 
 
 Here the dinner made its appearance. The 
 little party were soon seated. A great beauty 
 in a round table is, that there is neither top nor 
 bottom, which saves me the bore of describing 
 the position of Guilford's guests. They had 
 all met one another frequently before, so there 
 
 was no ceremony ; which, as my friend P 
 
 says, is the white-choker of society. 
 
 *' Why did you not put some more anchovy 
 sauce into the bottle ?" said Guilford, frowning 
 at his diminutive tiger, who instantly disap- 
 peared with the empty cruet. 
 
 ^* Like your lordship's tenant the other day," 
 said Melville, " Guilford declines the lees, 
 (lease)." Melville was occasionally given to 
 professional puns. He was of the middle 
 height, with dark, intelligent features, and 
 about the same age as his employer. 
 
 *' Talking of lees,^' said Lord Harrowdrake,
 
 94 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 " I remember once a case of a surgeon having 
 some very concentrated prussic acid in a bottle, 
 the contents of which he had used up, as he 
 thought, when one day his assistant, mistaking 
 the bottle for a clean one, sent a black draught 
 or some such horrid, vulgar medicine, to a poor 
 man with a family of eleven small children, 
 who were all left fatherless the next morning." 
 
 " Why that was not half so bad," said Wig- 
 gleton,bent upon out Harrow-draking Harrow- 
 drake, " as the man who threw some infernal 
 barrels of— what's the name of the stuff?— into 
 a stream running through a village in York- 
 shire, and poisoned all the inhabitants excepting 
 one, who was a teetotaller, and always drank 
 his cordials neat /" 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha !" laughed his lordship « that 
 was good! — you are a trump, Wiggleton, my 
 boy — wine with you !" 
 
 *' What do you suppose will be the fate of 
 the present ministry ?" said Guilford on politics 
 intent.
 
 ANTI-C0NING8BY. 95 
 
 " Coningsby will cut his own throat like 
 Castlereagh," replied Harrowdrake, " Til 
 trouble you for a little more of that goose." 
 
 ** I wish this goose I am cutting up were 
 the Young England party," said Guilford 
 laughing. 
 
 " A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind, 
 and yet I fear there is as little chance of 
 Coningsby cutting his jugular, as of his cutting 
 his chum, Ben Siddy. Everything is going to 
 rack and ruin, the infernal Jews are canvassing 
 all the votes, and outbidding the Christians 
 everywhere." 
 
 '* I should like to see that Sidonia impaled, 
 (though indeed he is pale enough already)," 
 said Harrowdrake, good-humouredly smilin ^ at 
 the humane idea. 
 
 " In that case," said Guilford, '* he would 
 resemble a city man after lunching at Joe's — 
 having a steak in his body." 
 
 " He might have had chops though — fancy 
 being chopped to pieces with a wooden hatchet,
 
 96 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 (notched) in the American Indian style," sug- 
 gested Harrowdrake, riding his friend's pun to 
 death without a shadow of remorse, as cock- 
 ney equestrians do hired hacks when they are 
 out for a gallop," and quietly helping himself 
 to some asparagus. 
 
 *' Talking of such really painful operations, 
 some Sillery would not be amiss," said Clarence, 
 and the champagne corks flew to the ceiling ; 
 which gave his lordship an opportunity of 
 narrating how a friend of his had lost an eye 
 under similar circumstances. 
 
 *' Just as my father lost his site once, through 
 a coal mine being discovered on the very spot 
 he was about to build a house upon," said the 
 ever facetious Wiggleton. 
 
 " Let the table be cleared !" 
 
 The cloth disappeared — like Giaffir's train in 
 the Bride of Abydos, and was replaced by an 
 excellent dessert, consisting of two dishes of 
 filberts, one of cinnamon biscuits, and the usual
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 97 
 
 quantity of those deleterious compounds termed 
 port and sherry. 
 
 *' De bess ting you can do wit dis dam — vot 
 
 you call — heavy vet?" said Count B , '*the 
 
 an charge d'affaires is, send him vere dis 
 
 come frome — a laporteV 
 
 *' And as for Xeres you cannot be too chary 
 of it !'^ say I — thank God ! my dear reader, 
 that you are a Spanish scholar. "Who would 
 not be so, when Spanish, ' without a master,' is 
 to be had so cheaply.* 
 
 However, there was a jug of claret, (chateau 
 Lafitte) ample it its crystal dimensions, which 
 Lord Harrowdrake contemplated admiringly 
 for a moment or two, then exclaimed with the 
 utmost sang fr Old — 
 
 * There Is no mode so agreeable, so easy, and above all, 8o 
 expeditious for acquiring a language, as reading a work in 
 the said language with a translation thereof — the more literal 
 the better — in your own. I speak from personal experience, 
 and were I about to commence studying Chinese to-morrow, 
 should pursue this never failing plan, which is the fundamental 
 principle of the pamphlets alluded to, 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 98 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 " What a beautiful color — absolutely gory /" 
 
 '* So was the mad bull in Smithfield the 
 other day," said Wiggleton. 
 
 " I hear Sidonia means to put up for the 
 City," said Guilford. 
 
 " Then the City will be put up for auction," 
 said Omnibus interjectionally. 
 
 *' So does Moses of the Minories," said Mel- 
 ville, " I had it yesterday, at Guildhall, from 
 an authentic source." 
 
 *' Who is to oppose the circumcised dogs ?" 
 enquired Lord Harrowdrake. 
 
 " Baring, Sir James Graham, and Lord John 
 Russell, they say." 
 
 " I should say, Lord John Russell, Sir James 
 Grahaim, and Baring," said Guilford. 
 
 " Apropos de bottes^ have you read Lady 
 Bulwer Lytton's Muscovite ?" said Wiggleton. 
 
 " No," replied Clarence, '* I never even 
 heard of it, and recently I have been too busy 
 writing novels to trouble myself much 
 about the productions of others, but I am a
 
 ANTl-CONINGSBY. 99 
 
 great admirer of Lady Lytton, I think her one 
 of the wittiest writers of modern fiction." 
 
 " I never read funny things," said his lord- 
 ship, ^* I like something exciting, a little san- 
 guinary ! Anastasius is the only comic tale I 
 ever liked, and then there is a murder or two 
 in every other chapter." 
 
 " I belong to a book-society," said Melville, 
 " and as my name is last on the list, I get the 
 new works a year or two after they come out ; 
 I shall get the Muscovite next autumn I 
 expect." 
 
 *' Ha ! ha ! that is what you lawyers would 
 call a contingent remainder^ I suppose ? but my 
 reason for asking whether you had read the 
 book, was, because I purposed quoting from it 
 a good thing, which would otherwise have been 
 an old story. Ben Sidonia it appears went to 
 a soiree somewhere, in a pair of tight, velvet 
 pantaloons, and having seated himself on a rout 
 seat, it made so perceptible an impression 
 upon his nether man, that he rose with the 
 F 3
 
 100 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 brand of cane upon his velvet incomprehen- 
 sibles."t 
 
 " Bravo !" said Guilford. 
 
 *' Good !" said Melville. 
 
 " Not half so good," muttered Lord Harrow- 
 
 f In justice to Lady B 's facetiousness, I subjoin this ex** 
 
 quisitely humourous anecdote in her own words. 
 
 " But show me the amiable Mr. Solomons." 
 
 " There — that man attiduinising on that ottoman with the 
 long black, greasy ringlets, who looks like the black princely 
 devil in the book of Chinese Superstitions." 
 
 *' What an odd looking animal !" 
 
 " Oh ! he is quite christianlike and commonplace to what 
 he used to be," said Germain, " I never shall forget his debut 
 some time ago at old Lady C — 's, when he burst upon the as- 
 tonished world in ruffles ! and black velvet incomprehensibles ; 
 he then knew nobody, and was sitting alone in his glory, 
 balancing himself in a fine you — be~d — d sort of attitude on 
 a cane-bottomed chair without alas ! considering that cane and 
 velvet were born foes ; for when he rose, it was with a fine 
 fac-simile of the chair over that portion of his black velvets 
 which was for ever out of his sight, and Lady -- ■""— stifiing 
 a laugh, asked me who on earth he was? ' Solomons the 
 Jew,' said I. ' The wandering Jew apparently,' added she, 
 ' for he has evidently the brand of Cain upon him.' " 
 
 Memojks of a Muscovite, vol. 2. p. 154. 
 
 Neither the first nor the last time that Mr. has made 
 
 himself a marked man very superfluously, I conceive.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. * 101 
 
 drake, *' as Captain Marry at's story of the 
 man who sat down in the hot frying pan at the 
 pic-nic party, and afterwards eat castor oil 
 with his salad.'' 
 
 *' How is it," said Guilford " that one hears, 
 comparatively speaking so little of Lady Bul- 
 wer Ly tton's works ?" 
 
 '' Firstly, they are not puffed," said Omni- 
 bus, " secondly, they are run down by a vile 
 clique, headed by a superlative scamp, and a 
 notorious old woman." 
 
 '* Do you think," said Harrowdrake, " that 
 what she says can be true of the treatment she 
 has received ?'^ 
 
 *' / believe her for one," said Wiggleton, 
 " she is so perfectly consistent in her story." 
 
 " Well," said Guilford, '' if only a tenth part 
 of what I have heard Is fact, she has been the 
 victim of the most unmanly brutality it is pos- 
 sible to conceive. But it appears to me, that to 
 secure her, at least, the triumph over public 
 opinion, one thing alone is necessary — that her
 
 102 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 works should be extensively read. Their un- 
 deniable talent — their brilliant wit and piercing 
 satire must make its way; and to effect 
 this object no pains will be spared. There are 
 men whom a clique cannot crush, who, when 
 they have once commenced a good work rest 
 not until it is finished. Trust me before long 
 the sentimental old gentleman — ere-while 
 
 " The gifted boy with sandy hair. 
 And eyes of devilish blue.' 
 
 will find himself in a minority. As for his 
 stupid little brother — '* 
 
 " Good God!" cried Harrowdrake, '* pray 
 don't mention him. Read his * Gallia,' it is too 
 horrible even for me ! Why, sir, I nearly died 
 of a lock jaw I contracted through yawning 
 over its platitude !" 
 
 ** Let us change the subject," said Guilford, 
 putting some eau de Cologne on his handker- 
 chief from a flacon on the mantelpiece. 
 
 Another jug of claret here made its appear- 
 ance, and the conviviality of the little party
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 103 
 
 rose with a crescendo movement. Suddenly an 
 awful groan was heard, then a terrific shriek, 
 followed by a noise a& of some one violently 
 kickinoj against a door. 
 
 " What can it be?" said Guilford. 
 
 " It cornea from the office, I think," said 
 Melville. 
 
 They rose simultaneously, and Omnibus 
 Wiggleton and Lord Harrowdrake, curious to 
 see " what was the row !" followed them from 
 the room. On their entering the office the 
 noise ceased, and a voice from a cupboard in 
 the corner of the room exclaimed piteously — 
 " Do let me out. Bob, that's a good fellow, I'll 
 never tell Melville again, when you charge 
 omnibus fare for pretended errands of Mr. 
 
 Guilford's — d n your eyes, you young 
 
 villain, unlock the door directly !" 
 
 " What is the meaning of this ?" said Guil- 
 ford, laughing as Melville threw the door of 
 the closet open, and a man in a seedy brown 
 coat, and a great perspiration rushed out.
 
 104 ANTI-CONINGSBV. 
 
 *' If you please, sir, Bob locked me in," 
 stammered the poor clerk, who was quite ex- 
 hausted by the violence of his efforts. 
 
 The fact was that Melville having left the 
 office at his usual hour to join Guilford's party. 
 Bob Smith, the office boy, and Wiggins, the 
 copying clerk, had remained to copy and ex- 
 amine a deed which was to be signed on the 
 following morning. In a closet, in a corner of 
 the room, was a washing basin, to which, after 
 finishing his work, Wiggins had applied himself, 
 and Bob, facetiously availing himself of the 
 opportunity offered, had closed the door of the 
 closet on his hapless comrade, after which, as it 
 was a rainy evening, he deliberately enveloped 
 himself in Mr. Melville's zephyr, and departed 
 from the office, leaving Wiggins to his fate, 
 which, had not Guilford dined at home, would 
 probably have been to pass the night in a not 
 very enviable position, with a strong chance of 
 death by suffocation into the bargain.
 
 ANTI-CONENGSBY. 105 
 
 ** You seem faint," said Guilford, *' take a 
 glass of wine, it will do you good." 
 
 " Drink !" cried Omnibus, who was begin- 
 ning to get rather bacchanalian ; and he held 
 the claret jug to the mouth of his victim. The 
 unsteadiness of his hand thwarted his philan- 
 thropic intentions ; more than half the genial 
 fluid finding its way up the nose and on to the 
 clothes of poor Wiggins, who moreover not 
 being accustomed to claret, thought it a very 
 sour, uncomfortable potajjon, and was ex- 
 tremely glad to make his escape home, when a 
 scolding from his wife on the score of his spoilt 
 cravat awaited him. But Wiorgins heeded it 
 not ; sweet were his thoughts of revenge upon 
 Bob Smith, the perfidious, and he at length fell 
 asleep, cogitating as to how he could enlighten 
 Mr. Melville with regard to the fraudulent omni- 
 bus fares, and of the oft appropriated wrapper, 
 without drawing a share of the blame upon his 
 own particular shoulders. Unfortunately both 
 Guilford and Melville thought it a capital joke, 
 F 5
 
 106 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 and as the zephyr was no longer of the fashion- 
 able cut, the latter bestowed it shortly after- 
 wards upon the wicked and designing Bob. 
 Alas ! it is but rarely in this world that the 
 goddess Astrea takes apartments in a legal 
 neighbourhood ! 
 
 *' I say, Harrowdrake," cried Wiggleton as 
 they left Lincoln's Inn Fields on their home- 
 ward way, " it strikes me that when you go to 
 Hades your advice will be devilishly useful iu 
 the way of inventiq^ new torments and all that 
 »ort of thing." 
 
 " Consultation — thirteen and fourpence," 
 murmured Melville. 
 
 " Suppose the Nelson column were to fall 
 on us and crush us to mummies !" hiccupped 
 Lord Harrowdrake. 
 
 '' We should be what Mr. Mantalini would 
 term, ' demd moist unpleasant bodies,' " quoted 
 Omnibus. 
 
 '' Cab, sir, cab ?" 
 
 " Yes," said Harrowdrake, ** ho — hollo I"
 
 ANTT-CONINGSBY. 107 
 
 " Where shall I drive jou to ?" 
 
 ** Where to? The shortest cut to Jericho, 
 and mind you drive fast !" 
 
 " The Fleet prison," whispered Omnibus to 
 the cabman, slipping a shilling into his hand. 
 
 *' Well, good night," growled the peer, 
 *' hope you will not get run over — or fall down 
 an area — on some spikes, going home — you — 
 ap — pear — ra — rather unsteady — on your — le 
 — le — less — I shall — look — ' Morning Post' — 
 to-morrow — purpose !" 
 
 <' Good night!" 
 
 " Goo — " the rest was lost in the interior of 
 the cab as it rattled away towards the prison. 
 
 '' I locate in Baker Street, at my aunt Lady 
 Madden's pro tempore ^^ said Wiggleton. 
 
 ** And I in the New Road close bye," said 
 Melville, so they reeled on together.
 
 108 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER IL 
 
 NEWS. 
 
 A conversazione differs from a ball in one most 
 material point ; viz., that whereas at a ball it 
 is usual to leave a small, open space in the 
 centre of the rooms, for the purpose of walking 
 about in queer figures, a proceeding ludicrously 
 denominated dancing, (waltz and polka ex- 
 cepted), at a conversazione every available inch 
 of room may be crowded with perspiring and 
 ice -devouring humanity. 
 
 Lady Madden's conversazione was really 
 devoted to the purpose implied by the word —
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 109 
 
 conversation. To facilitate which, she had 
 engaged a few demi-professional singers. 
 Everybody knows how much more delightful it 
 is to converse with a singing accompaniment. 
 As Guilford entered the saloon, four vocalists 
 of the male genus, were singing that fine Ger- 
 man quartett, *' Es war ein Ratt^ im Keller 
 Nest,^' composed by Liszt,! during a lucid inter- 
 
 X It was once my fate to pass a night at the cidevant 
 convent of Nonnenwerth, whilst Liszt was staying there with 
 his lady love. Notwithstanding the lateness of the hoxir, my 
 friend Baron von R ^ was for paying a visit to the musi- 
 cian. I remonstrated in vain ; he persisted that virtuosi were 
 not regulated by the same code as ordinary mortals, and ac- 
 cordingly at ten o'clock at night, we sent up our cards to the 
 great pianist. Liszt however was suffering from a violent 
 attack of the face-ache ; so we supped and went to bed without 
 seeing him. 
 
 " Never mind," said R , " to-morrow will do, it was 
 
 certainly rather late for a visit." 
 
 " He must have thought us very eccentric people," said I 
 looking out of the window on the Moonlit Rhine with the 
 " casted crag" close by. At this moment, it was midnight, 
 the virtuoso began to fantasieren in the wildest and most 
 heart-stiring manner, far superior to anything I ever heard 
 him do in a concert room. How long he continued his melo- 
 dious tones, I know not, for both R — — and myself were soon
 
 110 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 val. I need scarcely remark that the words 
 are to be found in Groethe's Faust. 
 
 " Did you ever hear Liszt ?" said B , 
 
 the theatrical manager, to our friend Wiggle- 
 ton, the bow of whose neckcloth, (vulgo, white 
 choker) bore considerable resemblance to the 
 sails of a windmill, and would have frightened 
 Mr. George Brummel into fits, had he been 
 alive and present to have seen it ! 
 
 '* Yes, several times," replied Omnibus, '' he 
 was quite the rage whilst I was at Berlin, 
 nothing else was talked of by the women. 
 They put his coffee-grounds into their smelling 
 bottles, and stole his kid gloves as relics where- 
 ever he went. Von Hagn, the celebrated 
 actress, tried to fascinate him, and got nick- 
 named (very unjustly) the female Werther, 
 Tickets for his concerts were at a premium. 
 
 lulled into a delicious repose, abundant in the happiest dreams 
 I dare say, although I really cannot now remember what mine 
 were about. Liszt is a man of remarkably gentlemanly 
 address and not yet quite spoilt by adulation.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. Ill 
 
 There was a vulgar report that he always 
 drank the Jirst glasses of half a dozen of Sillery 
 before entering the concert-rooms, to make his 
 fingers slippery^ and that he occasionally struck 
 a note with his nose in moments of enthusiasm, 
 and very difficult passages. As for Thalberg 
 his fame at Berlin was completely demolished. 
 I met Liszt once at an evening party, and 
 found him a very agreeable personage, but, like 
 most great musicians a little one-sided." 
 
 " Did you see ' Antigone' performed at 
 Berlin?" 
 
 " What the Greek tragedy ? — yes, it was 
 well got up, everything in perfect keeping, 
 altar of Bacchus and all, and yet it did not give 
 you exactly the idea of the antique. The king 
 had a snub nose, and all the actors seemed to 
 want refinement, besides the twelve syllabled, 
 Iambic verses, (not Alexandrines) sounded 
 strangely to our modern ears. However, it 
 * took' amazingly, and the entrance prices were 
 raised. I wonder you have never tried any-
 
 112 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 thing of the kind in England, people would go 
 to see a Greek tragedy, though they won't to 
 see Shakespeare perhaps." 
 
 " They might, anything foreign is attrac- 
 tive." 
 
 '^ Do you think it will ever be practicable to 
 maintain an English theatre for the legitimate 
 drama ?" 
 
 *'AhI" sighed B , «' Fve asked that 
 
 dreadful question of the stars /" 
 
 *' And what was their reply ?" 
 
 '' They told me to raise their salaries. But 
 joking apart, I have no doubt that at small 
 theatres the soi disant legitimate drama may 
 succeed,* perhaps at Drury Lane and Covent 
 Garden provided new tragedies were brought 
 out instead of that eternal Shakkespeeary^ as 
 the Frenchman called him ; above all if the 
 
 * " Sadlers Wells," I hear, is an instance in point which 
 proves that the vulgar are the true patrons of the legitimate 
 drama.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 1 1 3 
 
 stage were disincumbered of such humbugging 
 mannerists as Mr. Macready." 
 
 *' I say, Guilford," said Wiggleton, " who 
 is that tall, sharp -featured man that just past 
 us?" 
 
 " The author of Ion. I saw him a week or 
 two ago at a scientific and literary institution 
 in the city, which curiosity had induced me to 
 visit, for although I do not think such institu- 
 tions so important as Lord Gymnastic Manners, 
 there can be no doubt of their moral and bene- 
 ficial tendency. The learned sergeant is a 
 vice-president of the institution, and took the 
 chair on this occasion. He had to address the 
 assembly, which was very numerous, and ap- 
 parently very respectable— ^ Ladies and Gen- 
 tlemen,' he began, ' I have been requested to 
 take the chair at a meeting of the Lon — don 
 Sci — en — ti — fie and Lit — e — rary In — sti — 
 tu— tion,' and actually pretended to spell 
 through his eye-glass, the name of a society to
 
 1 14 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 which he condescended to be vice-president. Is 
 it possible, thought I, that a man capable of 
 such arrogant and foppish vulgarity, could have 
 written anything so gentlemanly, classical, and 
 dull as the tragedy of Ion ?" 
 
 *' You had better make enquiries of the 
 flowing streams that lucid flow for ever," said 
 the manager smiling. 
 
 " And would they answer me as tauto- 
 logically ?" 
 
 " I think not. By the way Shortford is one 
 of the most hard-mouthed counsel at the bar ; 
 he is quite as rough, and often much coarser 
 than many of his brethren more renowned for 
 their skill in vituperation. I never shall forget 
 how he blackguarded me when I brought my 
 action against one of my actors for an assault." 
 
 Guilford, who hated a crowd, had but one 
 object in coming to Lady Madden's party — to 
 see Atalanta. Whilst he was looking about 
 him with this object, his eyes suddenly en-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 115 
 
 countered those of his frieod and client, Lord 
 Harrowdrake, who instantly made up to him. 
 
 "Ah, Guilford, how are you?— tremen- 
 dously hot ! not quite so hot as the copper at 
 the distillery a poor devil fell into yesterday, 
 but still infernally warm. I suppose you heard 
 of poor Lady Berville falling down and break- 
 ing her nose against a scraper, in getting out 
 of her pony-phaeton the other day. Shocking 
 disfigurement ! By the way, were you at the 
 sale of Cutandrun's pictures a few days since ?" 
 
 ** No — I did not hear of it until it was all 
 over. Did you buy anything ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes, I got a fine composition by one 
 of Domenichino's pupils ; it went off so low I 
 was almost ashamed to bid for it.^' 
 
 " What is the subject ?'' 
 
 " Oh a magnificent conception ! an auto da 
 fe ! one can almost fancy one sees the victims 
 writhe !" 
 
 «' What a triumph of art V' 
 
 " You may well say so, it is indeed superb :
 
 1 16 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 but come and breakfast with me to-morrow, 
 and judge for yourself, I would not part with 
 it for a thousand pounds/^ 
 
 " Did you make any other acquisition ?^' 
 
 " No, but there was a painting by an un- 
 known hand, of a Jew being grilled by Richard 
 Coeur de Lion, on his parlor fire. I bid very 
 
 high for it, but Mr. , the banker, seemed 
 
 disposed to go any lengths, so being as you 
 know, rather hard up, I was obliged, to give in. 
 It was bitterly disappointing ! If you had but 
 seen the agony depicted on the Jew^s features 
 — so natural, so exquisitely painful.^^ 
 
 " Ah ?' said Guilford laughing, " I am 
 afraid we must not hope for a repetition of such 
 luxuries as auto da fes, or grilled Israelites 
 now-a-days/^J 
 
 *' The good old times are past !'^ rejoined his 
 lordship, " there was a time, when, if a vulgar. 
 
 X For the benefit of the * new spirit of the age' who cut up 
 Tom Ingoldsby, I beg leave to state that Guilford is here 
 speaking ironically. There is nothing like precaution.
 
 ANTI-CONING8BY. 117 
 
 purse-proud, citizen, had presumed to outbid a 
 Baron at a picture sale, he might have expiated 
 his audacity in a nice damp subterranean dun- 
 geon, chained hand and foot, and kept upon 
 short commons,! perhaps ultimately starved to 
 death to save the trouble of knocking his ple- 
 beian brains out.'' 
 
 " Those were the much lauded feudal times," 
 said Guilford, " and they might well be 
 termed few'd all, for by Allah ! the few had so 
 much that there was nothing left for the 
 many." 
 
 '* Punninof acrain !" said Harrowdrake. " but 
 I do believe there are some men who you may 
 even see die jesting," 
 
 *' You may see me digesting every day — after 
 dinner," retorted Clarence. 
 
 " Well !" said his lordship, *' to return to 
 our muttons, I wish that Mr. , had lived 
 
 J Had he been a chartist this would scarcely have been a 
 rery happy punishment as " Annual Parliaments," may cer- 
 tainly be regarded as " short commons."
 
 118 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 in the feudal, or fewM all times. I would have 
 taught him the respect due to his superiors ?* 
 and the admirer of the " good old times," took 
 a pine-apple ice to cool the ferment of his spirits 
 produced by the recollection of his disap- 
 pointment. 
 
 At length Guilford caught a glimpse of Miss 
 Maddens. She was dancing with a young man 
 of about twenty, who seemed to pay her the 
 most marked attentions, which she certainly, to 
 judge by her smiles and blushes, by no means 
 disapproved of. A dark frown gathered upon 
 Clarence's brow ; he expected to have found 
 her distrait, annoyed at his absence, and long- 
 ing for his arrival. Indeed I query whether at 
 the moment Lord Harrowdrake himself was 
 more disappointed at the loss of the grilled 
 Jew, than Guilford at Atalanta's gaiety. 
 
 "Who is that talking to Miss Maddens ?" 
 said he to Ensign Springdale of the Guards, 
 who stood beside him. 
 
 " The Marquis of Wilton," replied the
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 119 
 
 Guardsman, apparently very much shocked at 
 our hero's ignorance. 
 
 "And who is he ?" said Guilford carelessly, 
 
 '* Who is he ?" repeated Springdale, who, 
 happening to enjoy the honor of the young 
 Marquiss's acquaintance, regarded him as such 
 an extraordinary personage that '' not to know 
 him argued yourself unknown." ''Who is he ? 
 — why he is devilish rich, and one of the nicest 
 fellows I know." 
 
 ** Oh ! you know him," rejoined Guilford, 
 treating that important fact as quite a matter 
 of course, which vastly surprised Mr. Spring- 
 dale, to whom, (he was of plebeian origin) it 
 appeared a circumstance, ' rather out of the 
 common.' *' What sort of a person is he," 
 continued Guilford, " witty — accomplished — 
 clever ?" 
 
 ** A perfect trump," replied Springdale, 
 " and quite a devil amongst the women !'* 
 
 " You will be a trump, and a devil too —
 
 120 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 when you are a Marquis," said Clarence moving 
 away. 
 
 " Ha! ha !" laughed Springdale without 
 knowing why. 
 
 Guilford seated himself in a recess and 
 deliberately weighed his own advantages against 
 those of the Marquis of Wilton. In point of 
 rank and fortune, there could of course be no 
 comparison. To be sure his uncle was a 
 baronet, and one of the largest landholders in 
 his country. His revenues were nearly double 
 those of the Marquis of Wilton, but then he 
 had two sons, both grown up, and capital lives, 
 fto that there was no chance there. On the 
 other hand, Guilford possessed talents and ac- 
 quirements, such as few men are endowed 
 with, and had besides priority of claim upon 
 the heart of Atalanta in his favor. He was 
 moreover a popular author, and a man of con- 
 siderable celebrity in the world of science^and 
 literature, which species of distinction weighs
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 121 
 
 much with a proud woman. Fiually, he pos- 
 sessed indomitable courage and perseverance, 
 a most powerful adjunct to success. 
 
 It may be objected that all this was mere 
 castle building. That possibly the Marquis of 
 Wilton did not care a farthing for Miss Ata- 
 lanta Maddens, nor she for the ^larquis, and 
 that above all it was quite out of character 
 with so strong-minded and masculine a disposi- 
 tion as that of Clarence Guilford to permit 
 jealousy, the green-eyed monster to make such 
 rapid strides upon premises to unimportant. 
 But I have already told you that Guilford pos* 
 sessed profound knowledge of mankind; a 
 a sinorle orlance at that index of the soul, the 
 countenance of Lord Wilton, was sufficient to 
 convince him that his lovely partner was no 
 longer an object of indifference. A few 
 minutes more, and he doubted not but that the 
 young peer had fallen desperately in love with 
 her — at first sight too, the most common, and 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 122 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 at the same time, the most lasting of passions. 
 An hour ago if any one had told him of Lord 
 Wilton becoming his rival, he would have 
 scoffed at the idea of danger to his own suit, 
 but now, whilst gazing on Atalanta's counte- 
 nance, radiant with pleasure, he felt that it 
 would be requisite to make some exertion, lest 
 the prize he had deemed already won should 
 be worn by another. 
 
 Clarence approached the group comprising 
 his cousin and the Marquis. The latter was 
 rattling away with considerable brilliancy. His 
 rank and the respect it everywhere insured, 
 gave him confidence beyond his years. His 
 conversation was certainly trivial, but he 
 uttered his nonsense so imposingly, that his 
 auditors, especially the female portion of them, 
 looked upon him as little short of an oracle. 
 Then he flattered — not with that polished re- 
 finement which alone should be permitted in 
 civilised society — but like a roturier, thickly
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 123 
 
 and plumply, carrying it off however with an 
 air of great frankness as if he really meant it, 
 and could not for the life of him help speaking 
 his mind. Had he been a nobody it would 
 have been termed 'insolent coarseness,'^but being 
 a Marquis, it came under the head of * charm- 
 ing ' naivetV By the great Hermes, God of 
 thieves and liars ! 'tis a discriminating world ! 
 
 Guilford wished his cousin good evening. 
 She blushed deeply, for although not actually 
 engaged, a sort of tacit understanding had for 
 some time past existed between them. Ata- 
 lanta felt sure from the expression of his 
 features that Guilford had not remarked her 
 flirtation with the Marquis. Poor girl! she 
 might as well have striven, like the astrologers 
 of oil, to read her fortunes in the stars, as to 
 form the slightest conception of the thought 
 within, from the inscrutable dial of Clarence'e 
 countenance. 
 
 " It is an animated scene," said Guilford 
 Q 3
 
 1 24 AXTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 looking round, " and you might well say in the 
 words of Manfred with a slight alteration. 
 
 " I am the spirit of the place, 
 Could make the dandies bow, 
 And darken each mustachoed fBce— 
 Say, what with me would'st thou.' " 
 
 concluded Atalanta laughing. Atalanta really 
 laughed, she neither giggled nor simpered. 
 Bosworth's hero liked an honest hater, but give 
 me an honest laugher ! quite a rarity in this 
 age of solemn hypocrisy. To be honest in any 
 way, as Hamlet tells us, ' is to be one man 
 picked out of ten thousand,' but an honest 
 laugher is indeed nigra similima cygnoV 
 
 " I say, Sidonia," said Mr. Botherwhack to 
 his political pastor and master, " that is Edwin 
 Landseer, the great animal painter — there — 
 standing by Lady Maddens." 
 
 '' Indeed," said the Mosaic Arabian, " then, 
 by Jove ! I shall lose no time in effecting my 
 escape."
 
 ANTI-CONIXGSBY. 125 
 
 '* Why," said Botherwhack, " you are not 
 afraid of his making a study of ijou .?" 
 
 " I don't know," said Sidonia, '' 1 hear that 
 he is painting a group of puppies for the next 
 exhibition !" and Coningsby's wise historian 
 hastily departed. 
 
 " Springdale !" said Wiggleton, who had 
 overheard the above colloquy. " Why is 
 Edwin Landseer, entering his attelier^ like a 
 ruined rake ?" 
 
 *' I do not know, and I am sure 1 cannot 
 guess," replied the veracious ensign. 
 
 " Because he is going to the dogs of course,"* 
 replied Omnibus triumphantly. 
 
 '* Allow me to introduce you to the Marquis 
 of Wilton," said Atalanta to Guilford. 
 
 " Delighted to make the acquaintance of 
 so famous a man," said the young Marquis. 
 " Your uncle, Sir Reginald, is a neighbour of 
 mine, but he is getting very feeble, poor old 
 gentleman. I saw him only a fortnight ago, 
 he spoke of you in the highest terms."
 
 126 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 '* I am glad to hear it, though I scarcely 
 ventured to hope that it was the case." 
 
 *' Why it is rather surprising," said Lord 
 Wilton, " for, entre nous, your two cousins did 
 not say anything very amiable of you— puppy 
 and bookworm were the most complimentary 
 of their epithets." 
 
 " Luckily 1 am equally independent of my 
 uncle's generosity, and their malice," said 
 Clarence, still there was surely nothing very 
 mercenary in the recollection, that when a 
 few months ago he had himself drawn up Sir 
 Reginald's will, a blank had been left after the 
 name of Clarence Guilford to be filled up at 
 leisure. Whether his uncle would ever do so, 
 and to what extent, was still a matter of specu- 
 lation. 
 
 " Dear me, is that Mr. Guilford, author of 
 * The Last of the Aborigines ?' " said a lady, 
 still a pretension and a blue stocking, ** pray 
 introduce him to me^ Mr. Wiggleton— I know
 
 ANTl-CONrNGSBY. 127 
 
 you are quite a lion-tamer — a perfect literary 
 Van Amburg." 
 
 Omnibus hastened to execute his commission, 
 and poor Guilford, held in bondage by the re- 
 morseless Mrs. Lovescribe perceived, to his 
 ineffable mortification, that the young lord 
 supplied his place by Atalanta's side so much 
 to her satisfaction that she never even turned 
 her eyes in the direction of her victimised 
 lover. 
 
 At length he made his escape, devoutly 
 cursing the unpitying blue stocking, {azure 
 hose^ in American,) and trying to persuade 
 himself, with regard to his cousin, that a 
 woman who allowed herself to be dazzled by 
 the rank and superficial accomplishments of a 
 mere boy was scarcely worth loving. There 
 was something too in her manner towards him- 
 self so different from the embarrassed famili- 
 arity to which he had been accustomed, and 
 yet how beautiful she looked ! what a pity that 
 eyes so soft and brilliant should flash to the
 
 1 28 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 twaddle of a silly lord ! pity that so exquisitely 
 shaped a bosom should contain so undiscerning 
 a heart. 
 
 "Good God!" thought Clarence, "if she 
 could but imagine how passionately, how in- 
 tensely I love her — but I fear that she is like 
 the rest of her sex — vain, frivolous, and inter- 
 ested !" 
 
 " I say, Wiggleton," said Springdale, " Miss 
 Maddens has made a conquest of the young 
 Marquis, and no mistake." 
 
 " So I perceive," said Omnibus, " but she 
 might have spared herself the trouble, for she 
 is all but positively engaged to my cousin, 
 Clarence Guilford." 
 
 '' Hum •" said the guardsman, " she treated 
 him rather coolly at any rate this evening." 
 
 " And so even that padded monkey can 
 remark her neglect," muttered Guilford, and 
 directed his steps towards the door. As he 
 was leaving the room he met Lord Harrow-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. " 129 
 
 drake, and was about to pass him, when that 
 entertaining nobleman seized him by the button 
 and exclaimed — 
 
 " Guilford, my dear fellow ! have you heard 
 the news? Shocking affair to be sure — but 
 don't be agitated. I heard it just now from a 
 gentleman, who came up by the next train. 
 There has been a terrible accident on the 
 ern railway." 
 
 Clarence struggled to get loose, he cared not 
 about railway accidents, as indeed men in 
 general care very little about misfortunes 
 that do not immediately affect their own in- 
 terests. 
 
 " Stay !" exclaimed Harrowdrake, *' you have 
 not heard all; several people were kille I, and 
 amongst others, the two sons of your uncle. 
 Sir Reginald Guilford — ah ! you are not in 
 such a hurry now." 
 
 *' My cousins ! is it possible ? ' said Guilford, 
 " do not trifle with my feelings ? are you 
 certain — quite certain ?" 
 G 5
 
 1 30 ANTI-CONING8BY. 
 
 " There can scarcely be any mistake, I am 
 happy to say, for the person who gave me the 
 intelligence — there he is, near the piano — him- 
 self saw the dead bodies— they were terribly 
 mutilated, I understand." 
 
 Guilford did not wait to hear more ; he went 
 up to the gentleman pointed out, and although 
 unacquainted with him, at once addressed him, 
 by mentioning his name and relationship to the 
 deceased. Lord Harrowdrake's statements 
 were completely confirmed, and our hero quitted 
 Lady Maddens's saloons, his heart throbbing 
 with contending emotions. 
 
 He had met with a deus exmachina in his 
 own history, far more extraordinary than he 
 ever should have ventured to introduce into his 
 romances. But thus it is ; we daily meet with 
 realities, which if described in a novel, would 
 be termed '' outrageously improbable," whilst 
 wc read in history absurd and impossible fic- 
 tions with the most undoubting and implicit 
 confidence.
 
 ANTI-CONING8BY. 131 
 
 How difficult it is in this world to distinguish 
 the true from the false, may be exemplified 
 by the proverbial though contradictory saying 
 that even — " truth lies at the bottom of a 
 well"
 
 132 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE INHERITANCE. 
 
 Guilford rose early the next morning after a 
 particularly restless night. Not that he did not 
 sleep ; but there is a species of slumber which 
 anything but resembles repose, which not only 
 does not refresh, but absolutely fatigues the 
 wearied body. All night long Guilford was 
 harassed by the most terrible dreams, strug- 
 gling with foes of the most hideous aspect, who 
 seemed to overcome him more through the 
 failure of his own strength, than through 
 their physical superiority, rambling through
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 133 
 
 interminable vaults, and falling from immense 
 heights into a raging torrent of melted sealing- 
 wax ; then he was chained down to the trams 
 of a railroad, and all but cut in pieces by a 
 locomotive, after which he broke his nose 
 against a scraper — died of the cholera morbus, 
 and finally imagined himself at a fashionable 
 soiree without any boots on ! Everybody 
 seemed to be laughing at, and quizzing him, 
 in vain he took refuge behind ottomans, in the 
 recesses of the windows, and beneath the tables ; 
 Lord Harrowdrake, in the garb of a grand In- 
 quisitor, pursued him with a red hot toasting- 
 fork in his hand, with which he constantly 
 endeavoured to rap the dreamer's unprotected 
 toes, thus causing him to take the most sur- 
 prising leaps, whilst Omnibus AViggleton and 
 Engign Springdale were dancing the polka round 
 the room with almost incredible velocity, and 
 the Marquis of Wilton was kissing Miss Ata- 
 lanta Maddens in the background. 
 
 At length Guilford, in the desperate hope of
 
 134 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 escaping his lordly pers3cutor, made a spring 
 of superhuman agility and jumped clean through 
 the ceiling of the room, smashing a couple of 
 chandeliers in his passage, but alas ! true to the 
 laws of gravitation, he again descended. Lord 
 Harrowdrake held up his toasting-fork to catch 
 him, and — he awoke in a cold perspiration, as 
 much exhausted as if he had been up all night 
 at billiards. 
 
 " His sword the brave man draws, 
 
 And owns no omen but his country's cause." 
 
 Guilford was not a man to be frightened by 
 a nightmare — even by one of that most un- 
 pleasant species, a conventional nightmare, 
 without any boots on — nevertheless, he rang 
 the bell as soon as he was dressed, and said to 
 his servant — 
 
 " James ! put another pair of Wellingtons 
 into my portmanteau, and run for a postchaise 
 directly, I shall start for — shire directly after 
 breakfast." 
 
 The tiger vanished.
 
 AI.TI-CONn^'GSBY. 135 
 
 Clarence might have reached his destination 
 somewhat quicker by railway, but in his then 
 state of mind, solitude became almost a neces- 
 sity. How changed were all his prospects 
 within the last four and twenty hours ! what a 
 difference between the young, rising profes- 
 sional man and the heir expectant to a 
 baronetcy, with fifteen thousand a year ! His 
 uncle too was very old and infirm, so that 
 these agremens were seen in a not very distant 
 perspective. 
 
 However he had not much time for reflec- 
 tion ; the post-chaise was at the door, and in a 
 few minutes was whirling him rapidly through 
 the suburbs in the direction of his uncle's 
 abode. On his arrival at '* Buverly," he found 
 Sir Reginald in a very dangeroug state ; the 
 shock caused by the news of the terrible death 
 of his sons, had been too much for his already 
 shattered constitution. Ten days afterwards 
 he expired. 
 
 " Clarence," said he, as he was dying, *^ you
 
 136 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 have great talents — by my death you will in- 
 herit great wealth ; but remember that the rich 
 should be but the stewards of the poor. Stand 
 up for the people and their rights. Be a man 
 of action f not a mere utter er of well-sounding 
 phrases and polished periods. Be guided by 
 your own approving conscience, and not by the 
 opinions of a clique, be it a new or an old one. 
 Above all learn from the inmost depths of your 
 soul to loathe and despise that most hateful of 
 vices — a selfish ambition !" 
 
 These were the last words of Sir Reginald 
 Guilford. 
 
 With the exception of a legacy of twelve 
 thousand pounds to his sister's son, Omnibus 
 Wiggleton, the bulk of his personal property 
 was left to Sir Clarence, to whom the estates 
 descended as heir in tail. Wealth and title 
 were now his^ youth and beauty, genius and 
 health, and yet Sir Clarence Guilford was sad 
 and melancholy. 
 
 It was not his uncle's death that alone
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 137 
 
 caused his sadness, Love, the all-ruling God, 
 asserted his empire over the young baronet's 
 mind, and the vision of Atalanta Maddens 
 filled his waking dreams, but it was not love of 
 that happy, confiding character that brings 
 ecstatic bliss to the mind ; he loved a coquette, 
 and knew that, at the best, success was ex- 
 tremely doubtful. 
 
 He sat at breakfast one morning, when a 
 servant entered with the ' Morning Post.' He 
 opened it listlessly ; an on dit caught his eye. 
 " AYe understand that Miss Maddens, only 
 daughter of Sir Joseph and Lady Maddens is 
 about to be united to the young ^larquis of 
 Wilton, who has just attained to his majority." 
 
 '" A thousand devils sieze the man who 
 penned those lines !" exclaimed Guilford, over- 
 turning the cofi^ee-pot in his excitement, which 
 discharged a portion of its contents over his 
 legs. This practical proof that misfortunes 
 never come single, so exasperated our hero that 
 he kicked over the table, and involved the
 
 138 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 whole breakfast apparatus in one general 
 smash. 
 
 Indeed it is universally acknowledged that 
 those minor evils which more immediately 
 affect our personal comfort, are often felt, for 
 the moment, far more keenly than ills of in- 
 finitely greater magnitude which touch us more 
 indirectly. Sir Clarence Guilford never would 
 have kicked over the table merely on account 
 of the paraojraph in the newspaper; a curse 
 sufficed to relieve his choler on that score, but 
 scalded legs demanded a hecatomb of crockery. 
 
 Still as I said before, Guilford was a philo- 
 sopher, nor would he in all probability have 
 indulged in such a luxury at his snug chambers 
 in Lincoln's Inn Fields. There he would have 
 left his passion to the more tedious process of 
 gradual evaporation, but he could now afford to 
 vent his rage occasionally, or, in engineering 
 phrase, to let the steam escape all at once, 
 through the safety valve of demonstration. 
 
 The equilibrium of his mind restored, he
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 139 
 
 ordered another breakfast in another room, and 
 scribbed a note to his cousin Wiggleton, to en- 
 quire as to the truth of the report concerning 
 Atalanta. 
 
 ** Wiggleton's answer was as concise as it 
 w^s explicit — 
 
 " My dear Clarence, 
 
 " It is all, (d n the 
 
 pen how it splutters !) a mere fabrication. 
 '* Yours ever, 
 
 «' OMNIBUS." 
 PS. 
 
 ****** 
 
 And here followed three closely written 
 pages of news of various kinds, written in a 
 highly entertaining and vivacious manner.
 
 140 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE GENERAL ELECTION. 
 
 Wk live in an immodest age, an age of adver- 
 tisements, an age in which every body is puiF- 
 ing his own merits, and trumpeting his own 
 praise. *' Take care of number one," is the 
 motto of our modern memoir writers, who by 
 scribbling in the first person singular, take good 
 care not to imitate the old fashioned modesty of 
 the illustrious and hook-nosed Roman. Phy- 
 sicians, tradesmen, servants, masters, companies 
 and individuals of every rank and degree all 
 advertise. " Stick no bills," (as the sparrow
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 141 
 
 said to the birdlime,) becomes a necessary in- 
 junction upon every house with a dead wall or 
 a garden. Ex uno disce omnes.. 
 
 " To persons about to marry, a ten-roomed 
 house, luxuriously furnished, for — next to 
 nothing — including a wife, and — if required — 
 two or three very amiable children, and every 
 possible comfort, &c." — Times, 
 
 To be sure it is all pure philanthropy. 
 Kowland fills the off pages of the magazines 
 and the advertising columns of the newspapers 
 with large lettered notices of the immortal 
 Macassar, simply for fear the public should be 
 deprived of the inestimable benefits derivable 
 from the use of that talismanic liquid, a single 
 glass of which I have heard it asserted, " East 
 of Temple Bar." if swallowed by a born idiot — 
 or even a Young England recruit — almost in- 
 stantaneously renders the former as downy an 
 individual as the far-famed ' Dobler,' or the 
 ' Wizard of the Arctic regions,' lately exhibiting 
 his delusions at the Adelphi ; whilst on the
 
 142 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 latter, its effects are still more extraordinary 
 for the misguided creature forthwith gives up 
 all his hare-brained schemes, laughs at the old 
 whiffs ; in short, effects a radical change in all 
 his views and opinions, moral as well as political. 
 In the words of a man nobody ever heard of, 
 *' Were not Rowland's Macassar made oi castor 
 oil, it would be the elixir vitceF 
 
 Talking of the elixir vitcB, I have just read 
 Ainsworth's *' Elixir of Life," in the October 
 number of his magazine. The idea, in his 
 version, would be a good one — had Mrs. Shelley 
 never written *' The Immortal," in which the 
 very scene — not merely a similar one — is des- 
 cribed. Plow odd that two people should hit 
 upon "precisely the same idea ! 
 
 To return to the advertisements. But Mr. 
 Billingsgate Hurry is the man to write you a 
 whole chapter on the subject. He Londonizes 
 in the " heavy miscellany" to the great horror 
 of the subscribers, and I have heard from a
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 143 
 
 source on which not the slightest reliance is to 
 be placed, that there is a negotiation on the 
 tapis between him and the illustrious Mr. 
 Grunt, (author of '* The Great Metropolis," 
 a work of mundane celebrity,) by which the 
 English Capital is to be divided unequally — 
 Grunt, the great, to have the biggest half of 
 course— between these two capital writers. 
 Mr. Billingsgate Hurry is to have the city and 
 borough ; Gruntimagne, the residue of the 
 town, including the newspaper offices, and the 
 suburbs to exercise his pen (query, goosequill ?) 
 upon. Heavy penalties are agreed upon in 
 case of infringement of the treaty by either 
 party. It is said that Wilde rubbed his hands, 
 and Thesiger smiled sardonically on hearing of 
 this arrangement. 
 
 Huge placards were posted on every available 
 wall and palings, whole regiments of bill- 
 stickers rushed, frantically , along the streets, and 
 a small army of standard bearers (boarded and
 
 144 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 lettered) were drawn up in military array op- 
 posite the new Exchange. It was the polling 
 day for the city election, and it was Mr. Sido- 
 nia's most valiant mob, who, at an early hour of 
 the morning, had taken up the position 
 described. Their standards bore various devices 
 but everything was carefully excluded that 
 might tend to identify the great Mosaic Arab 
 with any definite principles, or class of political 
 opinions. 
 
 Two of them ran as follows ; — 
 
 " Rush ye Britons if you're men, 
 Rush to the poll and vote for Ben ! 
 Vote for the novel generation; 
 Saviours of the English nation." 
 
 Soon afterwards the adherents of the other 
 candidates began to make their appearance. 
 The placards of Moses, the tailor, were the 
 composition of his own poet laureate — one of 
 the most striking perhaps was —
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 145 
 
 Never mind what Peel's levee brews, 
 Vote for Moses and the Hebrews, 
 
 In your breeches. 
 
 By his stitches, 
 He will sew your treasiires ; 
 
 To all the town 
 
 It is well known, 
 He never takes bad measures. 
 
 *' Sidonia for ever, and down with bribery !" 
 shouted one of that gentleman's agents, who 
 had just been lending trifling sums on no secu- 
 rity to some dozens of the electors. 
 
 '* Y'oung England for ever !" gasped a 
 beardless youth, whose white choker nearly 
 throttled him. 
 
 " Everybody for ever !" roared an elector, 
 who having taken bribes on both sides, did not 
 know what to make of his position. 
 
 " Two of the agents for the Anti-Hebrew 
 Faction met on Cornhill, looking, as the phrase 
 goes, very much * down in the mouth.' " 
 
 " Any chance V said the Russellite, 
 
 VOL. L H
 
 146 ANTI-C0N1NG8BY. 
 
 '* None whatever !" replied the Grahainite 
 dismally. 
 
 '* Stumped ?" said the Russellite. 
 " All up," replied the Grahamite. 
 *' They must have spent a little." 
 " A little ! — a plum at the very least !" 
 There were committees held at all the 
 public-houses. Omnibus Wiggleton having 
 omnibused it down to the Bank to see the fun 
 
 — was passing along M Street, when a 
 
 notice in the window of a Baring committee- 
 room caught his eye. 
 
 « WANTED A POET !" 
 
 The ink was yet wet upon the paper — he 
 rushed in, and volunteered his services gratis. 
 They requested a specimen of his talents. 
 
 If you would escape perdition, 
 Vote for Sid and circumcision. 
 
 cried Omnibus ofF-handedly.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 147 
 
 " Bravo !" shouted a committee man. 
 
 ** That will be a hit," said another. 
 
 '* Vote for — how does it go on," said a third, 
 who was writing it down, in order to dispatch 
 it to the printer's. 
 
 " Sid and circumcision !" said Omnibus. 
 
 «' Ha, ha, ha !" 
 
 Ten minutes afterwards the bills were to be 
 seen opposite Guildhall, borne triumphantly 
 aloft by two of Baring's trustiest mobbists. 
 
 There was a great deal of eating and drink- 
 ing going on of course ; also some kidnapping 
 half-tipsy electors, in patent, safety cabs — and 
 driving them to Turnham Green, and Brixton 
 — a little locking up in cellars too, with the 
 usual number of black eyes and fractured 
 craniums. 
 
 The Mosaic Arabs gained ground rapidly. 
 
 O for a voice loud as the roar 
 
 That lashes Brighton's HoondiQ^ thmt. 
 
 u 3
 
 148 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 to warn the misguided voters of the evils yet 
 unborn. 
 
 Alas ! they hear nothing but Moses and the 
 profits. All is — almost — lost. 
 
 ^ -S'c -je ^ -X- 
 
 Omnibus Wiggleton made a desperate effort 
 to turn the fortunes of the day. Having 
 climbed upon the shoulders of the Wellington 
 statue, he harangued the people below in a 
 style of the most enthusiastic eloquence ; he 
 reminded them that almost every great villain 
 and notable scoundrel since the deluge, had 
 sprung from the Hebrew race. He asked 
 them whether they were aware that Greenacre 
 had been a Jew% also Jack Sheppard, who was 
 descended, by his mother's side, from the 
 Queen of Sheba, and Captain Kyd the cele- 
 brated pirate. The sanginary Robespierre, he 
 solemnly assured them was of Mosaic Arabian 
 extraction. He alluded to the notorious Fagin
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 149 
 
 and his friend, Bill Sikes ; and called historic 
 evidence to prove, that from all ages the chil- 
 of Israel had been a thievish and barbarous 
 nation. Did not Jacob himself, their pro- 
 genitor, contrive to cheat his own brother 
 Esau out of his birth-right ? Did not the 
 Israelites, when they were permitted to leave 
 Egypt, shabbily pilft^r the jewels of the con- 
 fiding natives ? Finally, Omnibus expressed 
 his conviction, that the devil himself was 
 originally a Jewish fishmonger, and dealer in 
 soles at Jerusalem. It was scarcely necessary 
 to observe, that as they- grew older they did 
 not improve. The number of rascal Jews 
 about town was perfectly incredible. No 
 spark of generous or chivalric feeling ever en- 
 tered their calculating and extortionate bosoms. 
 Wherever they went they grew rich upon the 
 spoil of the native inhabitants ; they were the 
 meanest, the sliest, and the most desisTnins: set 
 in existence. 
 
 He said that the idea of the proud and an-
 
 i 50 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 cient City of London, being represented by men 
 who refused to eat pig, was an enormity too shock- 
 ing for reflection. It made his hair stand upon 
 end * like quills upon the fretful joorAupine,' as 
 the bard expressed it. What would become 
 of the vendors of mock-turkle soup ? — echo 
 answered " What !" He bid them beware, 
 lest Judaism should become the established 
 religion of the country ; and hinted broadly at 
 a certain ' respectable and ancient rite,' which 
 under those circumstances would probably be 
 establised by act of parliament, with a commis- 
 sion to see it put into general execution ! 
 
 Vain was his eloquence, vain his ingenious 
 plausibility, his appeals to men's better natures, 
 vain even the goodness of the causes he 
 advocated — the auri sacra fames carried the 
 
 *i* ^ 'I* 'j* 'F 'p 
 
 He (Sir Postoffice Brownham*) would re- 
 
 * So called from the locality in which his ravages were comi 
 mitted, just as Scipio received the name of Africanus &c.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 1 5 1 
 
 mind them of the universally contented and 
 peaceful state of the country, during the ad- 
 ministration to which, he had had the honour to 
 belong. In those days the poor labourers 
 and workmen would have smiled with astonish- 
 ment, at so common a dish as salmon with lob- 
 ster sauce ; even paupers in the workhouse were 
 never fed upon mock-turtle soup ! To be sure 
 the jrick-burners did do some damage, but it 
 was all the rusult of exuberant, animal spirits, 
 produced by overfeeding, and immoderate in- 
 dulgence in bottled stout and punch a la 
 Romaine^ he felt convinced ! How could they 
 suffer want upon such splendid and sumptuous 
 incomes as seven, eight, and nine shillings a 
 week ? why, he himself rarely spent more— in 
 kid gloves ! 
 
 The people to be sure did grumble at their 
 letters being opened at the post-office. But 
 suppose they had never found it out — " what 
 the eye sees not, the heart grieves not," — he
 
 152 ANTI-CONING8BY. 
 
 had opened hundreds of letters without any- 
 body, excepting himself, being the wiser for it. 
 What harm had it done, he should like to 
 know. But alas ! few, very few, were aware 
 of the dangers to which a truly honourable 
 and patriotic ministry was exposed ! He had 
 excluded from the committee of enquiry, Mr. 
 Redgo, the only man, it was true, who under- 
 stood how to sift the matter to the bottom. 
 But then, how dangerous a precedent would it 
 prove, to permit a member of the opposition to 
 call over the coals and bully a secretary of 
 state. But all that was a mere trifle, com- 
 pared to the great and inestimable blessings he 
 had showered upon the country, by means of 
 his ^ Medical Reform,^ ivhich had already effected 
 so much towards clearing off the redundant 
 population throughout the country, that stum- 
 bling-block of all modern political economists ! 
 Could they select a better man to represent 
 their interests in the British senate ?
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 153 
 
 Futile, the eloquence of the tail-less rat — 
 Sidonia triumphs, Closes gains the day ! 
 
 Charge, Russell, charge — on. Baring on— or 
 all is lost ! 
 
 The clock struck four. Sidonia, Moses, Lord 
 John Russell and Mr. Patterson were declared 
 duly elected. Splendid was the dinner at 
 which the first named presided. Wondrous and 
 polysyllabled the words he made use of in his 
 speech. Fine, independent, generous lan- 
 guage flowed from his lips, but in his heart 
 crouched, 
 
 Vavilting ambition that o'erleaps itself 
 And fall i' th' other. 
 
 " We are dead beat," said one electioneering 
 attorney to another. 
 
 '* Can we do anything with a bribery peti- 
 tion ?"
 
 154 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 '* I fear not, they are so d d sly. I had 
 
 spies everywhere — a hundred cases have been 
 reported to me, but not one backed by suffi- 
 cient evidence." 
 
 *' There is a vulgar opinion afloat tphat one 
 Englishman is, under any circumstances, a match 
 for twice that number of our Gallic neighbours. 
 However that may be, I feel morally certain, 
 that a single Mosaic Arab, is always fully able 
 to cope with three sharp Christian attorneys 
 (not novos^ Christianos of course,) cunning, 
 though they be in all the cunning of the tribe. 
 But when a man is both a Jew and an attorney, 
 in the words of the facetious tourist of the 
 Khine — 
 
 Take care of your pockets — take care of your pockets! 
 
 or, to parody a popular ballad — 
 
 From the glance of his writ, 
 ShuD • Whitecross' and flit, 
 There's no trifling with Hebrew attorneys.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 155 
 
 And now let us take a peep or two at the 
 county elections. 
 
 Shouts of various kinds, and also a few egg- 
 shells and rotten cabbages rent the air ; Lord 
 Gymnastic Customs (son of Duke of Fur- 
 rowland) came forward on the hustings. 
 
 He said he did hope to see the day when 
 ^' all work and no play " would cease to be 
 the motto of the peasantry (slight hissing) 
 of his native county — it made Jack a dull 
 boy. 
 
 A voice from the crowd hinted, that it 
 would be somewhat difficult to make • Jack ' 
 any duller than he was ; and two or three 
 very demure, unresisting persons were kicked 
 and cuffed by some of his lordship's adherent?, 
 and further ill-used, when the same mysterious 
 voice termed Lord Gymnastic a stupid man-
 
 1^6 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 neristi who had no more idea of speechifying 
 than a cart-horse. 
 
 His lordship continued — *' it made Jack ti 
 dull boy — for his part, all play and no work 
 had always been his plan, as his speeches in the 
 House of Commons, would amply testify. He 
 hoped to see the day, when grandfathers would 
 play at leap-frog with their children and grand- 
 children, to the third and fourth generation 
 — when the universal introduction of veloci- 
 pedes and hobbyhorses, would serve to enliven 
 the Christmas festivities, and the boar's head 
 would again be carried round the castle hall. 
 He did not allude to his own, though perhaps 
 his enemies might regard it as a bore's head ; 
 (cries of yes, yes ! — no, no ! &c.)— he was for 
 restoring the palmy days of old feudal splen- 
 dor and glory, with all the ancient seignorial 
 rights of the lords of the manors, including at 
 weddings — " 
 
 Here there was a great uproar, and it was
 
 ANTI-C0NLNG8BY. 157 
 
 some time before Lord Customs could again 
 make himself heard. He assured them they 
 had entirely misapprehended his meaning ; he 
 was about to say, including the right at wed- 
 dings, of presenting the bride with a dowry ; 
 and he trusted there was nothing very objec- 
 tionable in a chaste salute ! 
 Great applause — *' cut away" — " regular brick !" 
 &c. &c. 
 
 He reminded them of the times when food 
 and clothing were distributed to the poor, at 
 the gates of each baronial keep ; and did not 
 liint that there was in fact nothing on earth to 
 prevent the landed proprietors of the present 
 day, from universally adopting the practice re- 
 ferred to, but the inclination. He was very 
 willing to patronize the New Mechanic's in- 
 stitution, and all that sort of thing; indeed he 
 had recently seen a complete bound copy of 
 the Penny Magazine, at a book-stall in the 
 Strand, which if it were to be had reasonable, he
 
 158 ANTI-CONIJNGSBY. 
 
 would at once purchase, and make them :i 
 present of. (great cheering.) 
 
 He thought great advantages would accrue 
 to the people, from being called peasants 
 instead of labourers, and was eager to impress 
 upon their minds the conviction, that it was 
 much better for the poor to obtain relief as a 
 charitable favour than as a legitimate right. 
 
 Colonel Slipslop was no humbug, of that he was 
 sure ; but to the best of his belief, everybody 
 else was. He did not wish to intimidate his 
 tenants, but as none of them had, or ever 
 should have, a lease, he would eject, and 
 turn out all who voted against him, as a matter 
 of course. He was not a ' Young Englandite,' 
 though they had tried, and still were trying 
 very hard to get him to join them. He hated 
 the Poor-law — it a was villanous infringement 
 of natural justice, &c. (Great cheers.)
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 159 
 
 Sir Clarence Guilford was a candidate for 
 the representation of the county in which his 
 estates were situated. He alluded with deli- 
 cacy, in his speech on the hustings, to the 
 mournful circumstances under which he had 
 risen to the station he then occupied. His 
 opinions were — ever had been, and he felt 
 
 confident would ever remain, /zieraZ liberal 
 
 in fact as well as in name. There was nothing 
 he more sincerely detested than faction, and 
 the impudence which under the guise of ex- 
 tended views and enthusiastic independence con- 
 cealed the narrowest exclusiveness, and the 
 most selfish ambition. He pointed out the 
 monstrous inconsistencies of the Young Eng- 
 land creed, their pretended support, and real 
 contempt of the church ; their despicable 
 slavishness, which led them to prefer the 
 bondage of despotism, to tiie safety and freedom 
 of a republican monarchy. He expressed the 
 utmost abhorrence of the feudal system, and
 
 160 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 everything that pertained to it, and felt con- 
 vinced that free-born Englishmen, would never 
 again consent to become mere serfs. In reli- 
 gious matters, he advocated universal toler- 
 ance, excepting as regarded the Jews, who he 
 looked upon as a dangerous set of men, pos- 
 sessing a peculiar talent for amassing wealth 
 at the expense of every country they lived in. 
 He regretted that the Emancipation Bill had 
 been passed ; and bid constituents beware of 
 returning members to Parliament of different 
 persuasion from themselves, and, from the ob- 
 stinacy of their prejudices, and naturally mer- 
 cenary natures, unworthy of political trust or 
 confidence. He would defend the rights of the 
 poor to the utmost in his power ; he had 
 already lowered his rents, and would en- 
 deavour to persuade others to follow his ex- 
 ample. He would advocate a minimum of 
 wages to the agricultural labourers, to be re- 
 gulated by the price of corn. He did not 
 hesitate for a moment to assert, that the
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 161 
 
 national debt was the grand cause of most of 
 the evils which the country laboured under. 
 Such as excessive taxation, duties on corn, 
 and other necessaries. He proposed to strike 
 at once at the root of the evil, by reducing 
 the interest of the funds five shillings, or one 
 quarter per cent every ten years,* until they 
 were lowered to consolidated two and a half 
 per cents, which would be of immense benefit 
 to the country at large, and seriously injure 
 few people, excepting speculators on the stock 
 exchange, who were mere gamblers and 
 deserved their fate. Moreover, as living would 
 become cheaper, through the medium of free- 
 trade, (he wished the duties to be lowered in 
 proportion to the interest of the national 
 debt), the stock-holders would not be so 
 materially aifecred as might at first sight ap- 
 pear. He also proposed to levy an additional 
 property tax upon all landed property, which 
 
 * See Mr. Buckingham's plan for reducing the national 
 debt, which is, I believe, more complicated and less feasible 
 than that proposed in the text.
 
 162 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 being in its nature, less liable to change and 
 vicissitude, than any other species of posses- 
 sion — ought certainly to contribute most 
 towards the public finances, and an additional 
 income-tax upon all commercial and profes- 
 sional men, whose clear, average income exceeded 
 one thousand pounds. Very few people un- 
 derstood the tendeucy and the exigences of 
 the present times. The day was at hand, he 
 feared, when the rich would regret that they 
 had not exercieed a nobler and more generous 
 spirit ; and by the sacrifice of a little, escaped 
 the inevitable loss of all. The few ought to 
 sufi^er for the good of the many. It was to be 
 apprehended, a recurrence to first principles, 
 would be the result of the grasping oppression 
 of the present generation, if persevered in. 
 He shuddered at the idea of a revolution, but 
 felt that there was a point where human 
 patience failed, where forbearance ceased to be 
 a virtue — that point was starvation ! 
 
 Many other opinions he expressed upon
 
 ANTI-CONING8BY. 163 
 
 various topics — doubtless often erroneously — 
 for what human being is free from error — but 
 always with unmistakable clearness and consis- 
 tency. 
 
 With regard to the corn-laws, he certainly 
 did not look upon the Bright side of the 
 question. The jargon of that gentleman and 
 Mr. Cobden, about exchanging foreign corn for 
 home manufactures, was a mere farce. He 
 had travelled on the continent, and seen with 
 his own eyes, the rapid progress their manu- 
 facturers were making. In a few years they 
 would be our equals in almost every respect ; 
 by levying duties on our exports, they would 
 protect, and very justly, their own produc- 
 tions, and thus virtually exclude us from their 
 markets. In agricultural improvement and 
 extensive emigration, undertaken loith energy 
 and spirit by men of every class* he saw the 
 only remedy for the present evils. 
 
 But I am writing a novel and not a grave 
 
 ♦ See 'Times,' and Reports on the state of New Zealand.
 
 164 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 work on political economy, so with the fact 
 that Sir Clarence Guilford, was declared duly 
 elected by his constituents, I will at once close 
 this demi-serious chapter, and proceed to other 
 and more diverting subjects. 
 
 END OF BOOK II.
 
 ANTI-C0NING8BY. 165 
 
 BOOK THIRD. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 ANOTHER DINNER. 
 
 If there is but one step from the sublime to 
 the ridiculous, certes the distance between the 
 grave and the comic is infinitely shorter. 
 Shakspeare felt this, and was therefore admira- 
 bly consistent in his mixture of the gay and 
 serious not only in the different scenes of his 
 plays, but even in his individual characters 
 To be sure, his sublimest passages are often 
 strangely perverted in quotation. Thus the
 
 166 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 two magnificent lines in Macbeth — always sup- 
 posing that they are not spoken by Mr. 
 Macready — 
 
 Hear it not Duncan, for it is a knell 
 That summons thee to heaven or to hell. 
 
 are partially quoted by a courtier of Charles 
 the Second, in reference to a notorious female. 
 
 It is a Ne LI, 
 That summons thee to heaven ! 
 
 And an eminent footpad is said to have 
 remarked, after despoiling a well-dressed trav- 
 eller, who made a desperate resistance, of a re- 
 markably scanty purse — 
 
 So much for burking him! 
 
 the travelled who was a Cockney, said that 
 the robber " beat Charles Kean all to nothing," 
 and as he beat the traveller himself to a mummy, 
 the confession at least exhibited generosity.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. I67 
 
 The table I am now writing at, once be- 
 longed to the author of 'Vathek,' whose 
 humourous sublimity has certainly never been 
 surpassed. Would that some particle of his 
 divine spirit could be transferred to these fugi- 
 tive pages ! Turning over the metallic leaves 
 of my mysterious Daguereotypes, I become 
 giddy when I contemplate the extraordinary 
 facts it is ray destiny to narrate, the surprising 
 scenes I am fated to describe. I pause for a 
 moment on the edge of the ravine and pick a 
 few wild flowers, ere the rough mountain 
 torrent carrie§ me away upon its foaming sur- 
 face ! 
 
 In the luxuriously furnished chambers, for- 
 merly the habitation Sir Clarence Guilford, 
 but now tenanted by Mr. Melville, were seated 
 two young men, engaged in very dissimilar oc- 
 cupations. 
 
 The younger of the two was employed (or 
 rather not employed) in his favourite pursuit —
 
 168 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 doing nothing ; unless humming " The Cana- 
 dian boat song," and admiring his graceful 
 figure in one of the pier-glasses, is worthy of 
 notice. His companion, on the other hand, was 
 turning over the leaves of a volume of the 
 * Statutes at Large.' — Large enough, heaven 
 knows ! for those who have to read them. 
 
 '^ I say Mell," cried Wiggleton, " who 
 would have thought of my jumping into 
 twelve thousand pounds, a month or two ago ? 
 — By Jove ! that old Sir Reginald was a 
 regular brick !" 
 
 *' Still less would any one have^sonceived the 
 possibility of my obtaining, without trouble or 
 purchase, a practice like your cousin's ; no 
 common law, all chancery and conveyancing, 
 and a thousand a year at least, clear of all ex- 
 penses." 
 
 " Well ! let us enjoy the goods the gods 
 have sent us — to dine, is human — to dine well^ 
 is divine !" said Wiggleton,
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 169 
 
 ^' Then we will ajourn to Verrey's and man- 
 ger a la Francaise^' replied Melville. 
 
 ** With pleasure; but I thought Verrey's was 
 only nn Egyptian Temple, a rendezvous for 
 the votaries of Isis (ices), I have not been there 
 since I first went abroad." 
 
 '' Then you are an ignoramus— but come 
 along." 
 
 '* Al'ons," said Omnibus, *' come on great 
 
 Mell, r.nd d d be he that first cries ring the 
 
 bell !" 
 
 *' It is lucky your aunt is not near, or she 
 would give you a lecture on vulgarity, that 
 would reach from here to Jericho." 
 
 ''Ah !" said Wiggleton, " apropos de bottes 
 my cousin Atalanta is engaged to be married 
 to the Marquis of Wilton — I don't much like 
 him, he is such an infernal Xew Generationite, 
 and uses such supernaturally long words; be- 
 sides, 1 thought Sir Clarence was to have been 
 the man, and he is worth fifty Marquis de 
 Wiltons at least." 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 170 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 " At least !" said Melville as tiiey entered 
 Verrey's 
 
 " This Ethiopian soup is not so bad," said 
 Melville, as soon as the work of demolition 
 had commenced. 
 
 '' Not half so good," said Omnibus, '' as 
 thof e two nondescript individuals opposite; they 
 scrutinize the dishes, as if they did not know 
 what they were made of." 
 
 " Nor do they; nor do you or I." 
 
 " Very true ; but we have/azYA, and that is 
 the principal thing at a French restaurant"* s. 
 T hey are snobs, I apprehend." 
 
 *' Rowland Hill was of opinion, that a snob 
 had a soul to be saved as well as a gentleman," 
 said Melville. 
 
 '' I should call those two well-dressed speci- 
 mens of the class mentioned, a pair of high- 
 lows^ if I were in a punning humour," said 
 AMggleton. 
 
 " Garsong !" bawled one of the snobs, 
 " Garaong ! vot's to pay ?"
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 171 
 
 " Seven and sixpence, sir." 
 
 *' Veil hi'm demd !" muttered the other 
 highlow. 
 
 *' Yes, these French beggars touch you up 
 rather spicy," replied his comrade as they 
 quitted the room. 
 
 *' I vv-ent to Drury Lane the other evening," 
 said Omnibus, " and had a private box." 
 
 " Well, I prefer a stall," said Melville ; " you 
 see and hear better, and pay less." 
 
 " I had a stall," replied Wiggleton, ** but 
 you misunderstand me — the private box I had 
 was outside the theatre. A man ran against 
 me ; I pushed him aside, and the ruffian struck 
 me, so we had a fight. I knocked down my 
 foe by a scientific backhander, and that was — 
 my private box.^^ 
 
 '* How do you like this claret?" 
 
 " Not at all, I shall have some hot punch 
 
 by and bye. Hang care ! it caused the decease 
 
 of an animal of the feline race. I am very 
 
 glad I did not follow my cousin's advice, and 
 
 I 3
 
 172 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 put up for the borough of ■. I have a 
 
 notion that I should not make bad speeches, 
 but then, listening to the others must be so 
 ferociously fatiguing." 
 
 " No doubt. To say the truth, I do not 
 think you are cut out for a politician — you are 
 too lazy." 
 
 *' Pooh ! the greatest pillars of the state are 
 the Hygeists, and fheir studies do not fatigue 
 them, I should imagine."
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 173 
 
 CHAPTER 11. 
 
 FEELINGS AND ARGUxMENTS. 
 
 When Guilford returned to London he took 
 up his abode at " Mivart's," and at the earliest 
 opportunity made a point of calling upon Lady 
 Maddens, firmly resolved to propose to her 
 daughter with as little delay as possible. 
 
 Clarence Guilford felt that an M.P. for a 
 county, and a baronet, with fifteen thousand a 
 year, was a very different personage from a 
 young lawyer without property, landed or 
 funded, of any description whatsoever, save
 
 1 74 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 what he acquired by his own head and hands. 
 " And yet," thought he, '' as far as my personal 
 comforts and enjoyments are concerned, the 
 contrast is by no means so perceptible ', my 
 dinners are no better, nor is my bed softer, my 
 clothes better made, or my cab, horse, and tiger 
 a whit less exceptionable. To be sure, at 
 Lincoln's Inn, I had but a couple of rooms to 
 live in, but even there I could not occupy more 
 than one at a time by any conceivable possibi- 
 lity. I was a successful writer, my works 
 were read, and to judge by their popularity, ad- 
 mired—will they be more so now? I fancy 
 not, unless indeed I were to spend my money 
 in puffs, which 1 never will descend to. My 
 income is multiplied by fifteen, my bodily 
 stature, and my mental capacity remain in 
 statu quo. But then my time was not my own, 
 my mornings were often devoted to intricate 
 cases and tedious consultations, whereas now I 
 may spend my hours as I please, and follow no 
 pursuits, but such as are congenial to my dis-
 
 ANTI- CONINGSBY. 175 
 
 position : a vast power of doing good to others 
 is thrown open to me, my opinions, backed by 
 two magic ciphers, an hereditary title and a 
 long rentroll, acquire a weight they did not 
 formerly possess, and above all — alas I such is 
 the selfishness of man — far above all ! I can 
 marry Atalanta Maddens, the goddess of my 
 youth ! the ruling star of my maturer man- 
 hood !" 
 
 Just at this moment Clarence's highflown 
 soliloquy was interrupted by his nearly driving 
 over an old woman, who, instead of hastening 
 to get out of the way, as would have been most 
 natural and prudent in her position, turned 
 round and began to abuse Guilford with a 
 heartiness and versatility of talent in invec- 
 tives, truly astonishing. 
 
 " I am sorry, my good woman," said Cla- 
 rence, " that I have no time to spare this 
 morning to enjoy the agremens of your highly 
 intellectual conversation, but I am in a hurry
 
 176 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 — SO say as much as you can by the time ^I 
 have counted three, and get out of the way, 
 unless you wish to be run over. One — two — 
 three r 
 
 The old woman sprang aside, and the young 
 baronet dashed off, leaving her in the middle 
 of a compound piece of vituperation of a 
 highly elaborate nature. 
 
 We have had a great variety of *' physio- 
 logies, but to the best of my knowledge a physio- 
 logy of abuse" has never yet been given to the 
 world. The want of a work of this kind must 
 be heavily felt by the lower orders, the " gen- 
 tlemen" who kick up *' rows" in the streets at 
 night, ladies given to blowing up their servants, 
 junior barristers, men who cut up live authors 
 in the papers, ushers at schools, Billingsgate 
 fish women, and above all Members of Parliament 
 — especially those upon the opposition benches. 
 This want I have generously determined to 
 supply, and shall accordingly devote an entire 
 chapter to the subject, which I shall regard in
 
 ANTI-CONTXGSBY. 177 
 
 a purely scientific point of view, as a dictionary' of 
 all the abusive epithets, used from the creation of 
 the world up to five and twenty minutes past 
 ten this evening, (the present time by the 
 horseguards^), would evidently occupy some 
 millions of quarto volumes, printed in the most 
 microscopic characters, from which fact the 
 profane deduce the inference that the MS. 
 library of the recording angel must be some 
 thousands of times more voluminous than that 
 of the British Museum, or the still larger one 
 at Oxford College, or even that of Paris, 
 which is, I believe, the most extensive in the 
 world. Be that as it may, I consider that I 
 am acting with considerable generosity in giving 
 you a profoundly philosophical treatise " into 
 the bargain," instead of publishing it separately 
 and making n fortune by it, as I undoubtedly 
 should do, but by Apollo ! I am above your 
 mercenary motives. 
 
 On entering the drawing-room at Baker 
 I 5
 
 178 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Street, Sir Clarence found to his annoyance 
 the young Marquis of Wilton established on 
 an ottoman, endeavouring to make himself as 
 amiable as possible, whilst Atalanta was lis- 
 tening to him with the greatest attention. 
 
 Lady Maddens welcomed the young M.P. 
 with the greatest cordiality, and congratulated 
 him on the change in his prospects with evident 
 pleasure. 
 
 Atalanta received him with great amiability, 
 but there was an uneasiness about her manner, 
 an evident wish that the past should be forgot- 
 ten, and that a more unfamiliar politeness should 
 be established between them. 
 
 " Be it so then," thought Guilford his pride 
 rising to his aid, '' but at least you shall not 
 triumph in your perfidy — you shall not boast 
 that you have jilted me ; no, no ! we have not 
 come to that yeV 
 
 " You dine with us to-day ?" said Lady 
 Maddens to Sir Clarence. 
 
 '^ At what hour ?" replied he bowing.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 179 
 
 " Half-past six— we shall be quite alone, 
 nobody bat Lord "Wilton and yourself."' 
 
 " Au revoir then," said Guilford as he rose to 
 depart, smiling slyly at his cousin as much as 
 to say — '* I see v>hat is on the tapis and highly 
 approve of it — au revoir V^ 
 
 Atalanta felt surprised and vexed at his 
 indifference which was precisely what Guilford 
 intended. Already his love begim to rise in 
 her estimation of its value ; already her inten- 
 tions with regard to Lord Wilton began to 
 waver. Women certainly are amazingly fickle 
 animals I 
 
 Talk about chamelions I pooh ! what are 
 their changes to the changes in a woman's 
 heart ? what were the transmigrations of 
 Indur in comparison svith the transmigrations 
 female opinions pass through. If you wpre to 
 read through all your '' evenings at home" for 
 the next century, the field would yet furnish 
 unlimited variety. 
 
 *' He jests at scars who never felt a word,"
 
 180 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 How innumerable the suffering caused by 
 feminine treachery ! and yet the dear seductive 
 creatures, we cannot exist without them, so 
 must even bear our woes with patience, as they 
 dofbt theirs. — Thanks to the Gods ! they do not 
 all wear trousers yet, some of us are still — 
 
 ** Monarchs of all we survey" 
 
 \n our own houses though, en passant^ it is odd 
 that in Turkey, where the ladies are kept 
 under the most complete subjection to their 
 lords and masters, they invariably don those 
 masculine garments to which English husbands 
 express so unqualified an aversion. 
 
 Nothing occurred during dinner worthy of 
 special commemoration. The Marquis of Wil- 
 ton regarded that important hour as sacred to 
 the infernal Gods ; viz., the cook and the scul- 
 lions, and was far too busy with boiled and roast 
 to be in a very conversible mood. Atalanta 
 was absorbed in hei own thoughts — Lady
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 181 
 
 Maddens discussed things in general with Sir 
 Clarence, and Guilford, himself, listened with 
 apparent attention to her ladyship, revolving 
 meanwhile in his mind the scheme he had sub- 
 sequently determined to execute. 
 
 The ladies retired, and the Marquis with all 
 the eagerness of an unfledged politician launched 
 out upon the ocean of Young Englandism. 
 
 " After all, ' said he, '' inter aha, an en- 
 lightened despotism forming the apex of a vast 
 pile of municipal and local authority, is the best 
 mode of government. What do we want with 
 representatives ?" 
 
 " It is not what ice want, but what the 
 people want ; that is the question," said 
 Guilford. 
 
 *' Well ! is not the press, in point of fact, the 
 only real representative of the people?" 
 
 '' True," replied our hero, " to a certain ex- 
 tent the House of Commons is but the deputy 
 of the privileged classes, and doubtless the
 
 182 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 freedom of the press is a far more powerful and 
 uncompromising protector of the popular liber- 
 ties. But do you conceive that if despotism* 
 were once established in this country, this 
 boasted freedom of the press could continue to 
 exist ? Would not the indignant autocrat im- 
 mediately exercise his prerogative by suppress- 
 ing any journals that might give utterance to 
 opinions hostile to his views? Besides the 
 
 * The following remarks of Godwin are not I think mala- 
 propos — 
 
 " It is the peculiar prerogative of despotism to produce 
 many symptoms of the Same general appearance as those 
 which are derived from liberty and justice. There are no re* 
 monstrances, there is no impatience or violence ; there is a 
 calm, a fatal, and accursed tranquility that pervades the whole* 
 The spectator enters, and for a time misinterprets every object 
 he sees ; he perceives human bodies standing or moving 
 around him, and it is with the utmost surprise if he has leisure 
 and opportunity to observe a little further that he finds at last 
 the things he sees to be the mere shadows of men, cold, inert 
 glaring bodies, which the heaven-born soul has long since 
 deserted." 
 
 Travels of St. Leon. vol. 3.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSB?. 183 
 
 editors would be either bribed, intimidated, or 
 imprisoned, and in a short time, as is the case 
 in Austria, Russia, and Prussia, every public 
 paper would be under the thumb of the govern- 
 ment, who would not hesitate to crush their 
 existence on the slightest exhibition of a re- 
 fractory feeling, well remembering the old say- 
 ing with regard to the danger of ' playing with 
 edged tools.' " 
 
 " But public opinion — " 
 
 " Power firmly established, cares not for 
 public praise or obloquy,* of this we have a 
 thousand precedents. If by public opinion you 
 mean dread of a revolution, that is another 
 affair, but weakness can scarcely, I opine, be 
 looked upon as a merit in a government." 
 
 " You look upon the darkest side of the 
 
 * For instance the Poor Law Commissioners, who listen 
 with such truly philosophical contempt to the reiterated com- 
 plaints, and innumerable cases of the most revolting character, 
 and the grossest injustice daily brought under their notice 
 through the medium of the public journals.
 
 184 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 question, I was merely supposing an en- 
 lightened and patriotic autocrat." 
 
 " 1 doubt the possibility of such an anomaly, 
 but to secure a succession of such monarchs it 
 would be necessary to make them elective, and 
 I am afraid an elective despotism would 
 scarcely answer; for to suppose a long race of 
 virtuous despots, requires an imagination even 
 more vivid than that of the gentleman who 
 being told to ' consider himself kicked,^ actually 
 fell down stairs and broke his arm in consc 
 quence. We really see so many instances of 
 "silly sons* succeeding sapient fathers, and 
 vice versa, that it quite transcends our powers 
 of supposing. Compare the late King of 
 Prussia with the false hearted bigot now occu- 
 pying the throne ; Peter the Great, with the 
 present hypocritical tyrant of Muscovy, whom 
 the infatuated populace hurrah and applaud for 
 
 * Lady Buhver Lytton not inappropriately terms Beu 
 Sidonia the " foolish son of a -wise father' in her " Muscovite !"
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 185 
 
 spending a few roubles of the treasure, extorted 
 from his miserable serfs. Oh Poland I Poland ! 
 was there not one of thy ill-fated sons to seize 
 the opportunity, and rid the earth of your un- 
 pitying foe ! 
 
 " By Jove!" exclaimed the Marquis, " you 
 are quite a radical. At any rate you must 
 approve of our Jewish emancipation bill." 
 
 '' No," said Guilford, '' I think it the worst 
 measure ever past since the ' Union.' " 
 
 "But surely it is very illiberal to exclude so 
 numerous a class as the Jews, from all share in 
 the administration." 
 
 " But, my dear ^larquis, you were advoca- 
 ting an absolute monarchy just this moment, 
 which would deprive everybody of a share in 
 the administration." 
 
 " N^importe /" said Vrilton finding that he 
 was decidedly getting the worst of the argu- 
 ment, '' let us join the ladies !" 
 
 The young Marquis had not yet dived suffi- 
 ciently deep into the well of sublime Young
 
 186 ANTI- CONINGSBY. 
 
 England casuistry, to emulate his astute 
 leader, who dresses up his elegant plausibil- 
 ities in so fascinating a garb. But Rome 
 was not built in a day — Lord Wilton had yet 
 his maiden speech before him, had yet to learn 
 the mystic and tortuous art of political and 
 parliamentary sophistry.
 
 ANTI-CONINf.SBY. 187 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 PARLOUR MAGIC. 
 
 It was the general opinion of Lord Wilton's 
 acquaintances that he was " no conjuror ;" in 
 this, however, they were egregiously mistaken, 
 for he was not only a conjuror, but a very 
 dexterous one, and never failed to exhibit his 
 feats of leg er 'de-main whenever he could secure 
 an attentive and favourable audience. Accor- 
 dingly as soon as he had dispatched his coffee, 
 he commenced his amateur exhibition by tying 
 his leg to that of a chair, with his cambric
 
 188 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 handkerchief, in a very scientific manner, much 
 to the astonishment of Lady Maddens and her 
 daughter, whose curiosity was greatly excited 
 by this proceeding. 
 
 " Now," said the Marquis, '* you think I 
 cannot get loose without either cutting the 
 handkerchief, or untying the knot?" 
 
 " Certainly not," said Atalanta. 
 
 '* Look !" said the amateur, and taking hold 
 of the handerchief he gave it a slight jerk, 
 when it immediately came off, the knot remain- 
 ing tied. 
 
 '* Really, my Lord, you are quite a genius," 
 said Lady Maddens. 
 
 *' Oh ! that is nothing to what I do some- 
 times," said his lordship with deprecating 
 modesty. 
 
 " I cannot make it out," said Wiggleton, 
 who had just dropped in, with great apparent 
 interest, " will you let me tie the knot?" 
 
 This proposition was of course not acceeded 
 to by the conjuror.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 189 
 
 *' Well then," said Omnibus, '' you may tie 
 the knot for me, and I will get loose without 
 either untying it, cutting it, or jerking^, it as 
 you did !" 
 
 The Marquis consented to do so, and know- 
 ing that the whole trick consisted in the mode 
 of tying the knot, anticipated the speedy defeat 
 of his daring rival. However, Omnibus very 
 quietly lifted up the chair, slipped its leg out 
 of the handkerchief, and stood at liberty. 
 
 " You must confess yourself outdone," said 
 Atalanta lauorhins:. 
 
 The lordly amateur would confess no such 
 thing, but having taken a scent-bottle from a 
 side-table, proceeded to place a card upon its 
 mouth, upon the card a sixpence, and by a 
 dexterous fillip sent the card to the other end of 
 the room, whilst the sixpence fell into the 
 bottle, where for anything I know to the con- 
 trary it may still remain. 
 
 " Bravo !' cried Omnibus, *' but can you do 
 the same with an album and a poker balanced
 
 190 ANTI-CONINGSBT. 
 
 on the tip of your nose?" and Wiggleton 
 affecting to be about to try this hazardous ex- 
 periment, had already taken up an album from 
 the table, and was advancing towards the fire- 
 place, when his aunt terrified lest any damage 
 might accrue to her costly furniture, at once 
 put a positive veto upon his proceedings. 
 
 Miss Maddens, however, seemed to take 
 great interest in his lordship's puerilities, and 
 led him on to perform a variety of tricks and 
 mummeries, which at a Christmas party of 
 small children would have proved infinitely 
 diverting. 
 
 Wiggleton and Guilford laughed at him, if 
 not with him, and the former amused himself 
 by offering to perform the most extraordinary 
 feats which he well knew neither time nor place 
 would admit of — such as walking on his hands 
 — lifting a thousand-pound-weight by his little 
 finger — throwing a ball up into the air to such 
 a height that it should not come down again 
 until the next morning, &c.
 
 ANTI-CONENGSBY. 191 
 
 *' If you will lend me three or four of your 
 daggers, aunt," said he, '* I will shew you the 
 way the Turkish Dervishes play with them." 
 
 '* No, no," said her ladyship horror-struck 
 at the bare notion of sacrilegious hands being 
 laid upon her darling ataghans. 
 
 There was a pause in the conversation — the 
 Marquis was meditating a new conjuring trick, 
 — Omnibus Wiggleton was meditating how he 
 could most effectually quiz the Marquis— Lady 
 Maddens was meditatincr on a new arrangement 
 of her daggers and stilettos — Atalanta was 
 balancing in her mind the merits of her two 
 admirers, when suddenly Guilford startled them 
 all in their meditations by saying to Lady 
 Maddens — 
 
 " I believe I have not yet told you of my 
 intended marriage ?" 
 
 '' Marriage !" exclaimed her Ladyship, 
 " dear me ! I had not the slightest idea, and 
 who is the happy fair one ?"
 
 192 ANTI-CONI5JGSBY. 
 
 '* A young French Countess by name Sans- 
 esperance — I appeal to Omnibus whether she is 
 not every way deserving of my choice." 
 
 *' I can assure you, aunt," replied Wiggle- 
 ton with admirable self-possession, although as 
 little prepared for the news as the rest, " that 
 her beauty is only equalled by her amiability, 
 her amiability by her fortune, and her fortune 
 by the antiquity of her family. She was one 
 of the lights of Paris when I was staying there, 
 and—" 
 
 *' But how did it begin -where did you see 
 her ? ' interrupted Lady Maddens, addressing 
 herself to Sir Clarence. 
 
 " I wull tell you all about it, my dear cousin, 
 another time, but I have promised to join a few 
 
 literary friends at J 's this evening — early 
 
 supper— so I must wish you good bye. Come, 
 Omnibus !" 
 
 '' Well, good bye," said her ladyship, " but 
 do not keep me long in suspense, 1 am dying
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 193 
 
 to hear all the particulars. You will come again 
 soon ?" 
 
 ** Perhaps to-morrow," said Guilford. 
 
 He turned to bid his cousin good night, and 
 to observe the effect of his communication upon 
 her, but she had quitted the room ; so bowing 
 to the Marquis, he no longer delayed his de- 
 parture. 
 
 '* Cousin/' said Guilford, '* you do not know 
 what it cost me to utter those words. Several 
 times I was about to speak, but involuntarily 
 checked myself. It is a dangerous, perhaps a 
 foolish test — but if you knew how passionately 
 — how devotedly I have loved her — liow long I 
 have accustomed myself to regard the posses- 
 sion of Atalanta as the loftiest hope of my am- 
 bition, the only adequate reward of my exer- 
 tions. Oh ! I have endeavoured to trace in 
 my works the course of the mightiest passions, 
 and, if the world may be believed, with a not 
 unskilful pencil; but how immeasurably does 
 all description fall short of the resistless torrent 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 of feelings and sensations with which my heart 
 has latterly been whirled onwards ! How does 
 the noblest, the most generous patriotism, the 
 most enlightened ambition fade before the 
 concentrated might of the love that possesses 
 me!" 
 
 Wiggleton was surprised at these passionate 
 expressions of his cousin. In the artificial 
 state of society termed civilization in which we 
 live, it is customary to throw a veil of impene- 
 trable secrecy over our best and most potent 
 feelings ; or, if we give vent to them in words, 
 to do so in a cool, even a light and jesting 
 manner, which gives as faint a semblance of the 
 reality, as the appearance of the sun, when seen 
 through a piece of burnt glass during an 
 eclipse, does of the glorious orb, whose daz- 
 zling splendor the human eye in vain attempts 
 to endure. 
 
 Men at last become so accustomed to this 
 unnatural reserve that they begin to doubt the 
 existence of the feelings themselves. Often
 
 ANTI-CONING8B Y. 195 
 
 have I heard a frank and passionate character 
 stigmatised as '' theatrical," often have I lis- 
 tened whilst some enthusiastic proposal for the 
 benefit of a class — a city — a country — has been 
 broached with all the ardency of disinterested 
 philanthropy. People opened their eyes with 
 astonishment ; by two thirds at least of the 
 worldlings present, the speaker's words were not 
 understood, by the other third they were voted 
 a bore, perhaps unheard. 
 
 If there is any character for which I feel a 
 most unqualified contempt, it is that of the dull, 
 plodding man of the world, to whom individual 
 interest (i. e. getting rich, and the world*s good 
 opinion,) is the summum honum of all earthly 
 aspirations. 
 
 To a man of this kind comes a young clergy- 
 man full of zeal and fervour for the propaga- 
 tion of his religion. He is about to visit the 
 Antropophagi, as a missionary; he comes to 
 ask advice and assistance of his wealthy rela- 
 K 3
 
 196 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 tive, and to bid him farewell before he sets out 
 an his journey. 
 
 " You had better stop at home and attend to 
 your duties in a regular way," says the world- 
 ling, *' you will only spend your money and 
 gain nothing by it." He does not comprehend 
 the generous virtues of the young fanatic. He 
 has not a word of encouragement or kindly 
 praise for the man who is about to sacrifice his 
 time, his energies, his fortune, perhaps even 
 his life for the benefit of strangers and savages. 
 Not he! missionaries are not the men who 
 become bishops. 
 
 Again a cheesemonger has a son gifted with 
 a talent for painting, he wishes to ^* sink the 
 shop," and try his luck as an artist. 
 
 " Pooh !" says his father, *^ artists are always 
 poor, miserable devils — stick to business like a 
 man, and there is as fine a prospect of your 
 getting on in the world as — " 
 
 *' But," saya the son, '' I do not want to get
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 197 
 
 on in the world — I had rather be the poorest 
 of artists than the richest of cheesemongers." 
 
 " You will change your mind when you get 
 a little older," replies the wise parent. 
 
 The son gets older, he does not change his 
 mind, but he is resigned to his fate — he gradu- 
 ally becomes stultified down to counter level, 
 and— if he does not become a bankrupt — gets 
 rich, married, and an alderman— then dies, " a 
 useful member of society." 
 
 Omnibus Wiggleton was, as we have seen, a 
 highly immoral character ; he did not care for 
 wealth ; he neither coveted it for himself nor 
 respected it in others ; he lived as well as he 
 could, was fond of pleasure of every kind, and 
 had a mortal aversion to slaving for the sake of 
 the ' irritamenta molorum^ so highly prized by 
 all generations past and present. In short he 
 was no worldling. Accordingly, though sur- 
 prised at his cousin's words, which came 
 strangely from the lips of a being so reserved 
 as our hero, who was moreover a lawyer and
 
 198 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 an M.P. ; he neither laughed at him, nor gave 
 utterance to consolatory commonplaces, but 
 quietly squeezed his hand as a sign that he un- 
 derstood and appreciated his feelings. 
 
 ** She must be mine !" said Guilford. 
 
 '* Curse the Marquis and his conjuring tricks !" 
 said Wiggleton. 
 
 " Amen, say I."
 
 ANTI-CONINGSB Y. 199 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 ATALANTA. 
 
 Alone in her dressing-room, pale and agitated, 
 her long, dark, silken hair unbound, and flow- 
 ing negligently over her rounded shoulders, her 
 little white hands clasped convulsively, sat the 
 proud and beautiful Atalanta. 
 
 The question was decided ! 
 
 " Oh, the folly — the madness," she ex- 
 claimed, ** that led me for a moment to com- 
 pare the noble, and high-souled Clarence to 
 that lordly puppy — miserable vanity that lured
 
 200 ANTI-CONINGSBV. 
 
 me but for an instant to weigh in the balanee a 
 marquisate against a generous heart. But can 
 it be— is it possible that Clarence— my own 
 Clarence —is about to be married to another ? 
 Alas ! there is no doubt, no hope — his own 
 lips avowed the fact — those lips incapable of 
 uttering a falsehood ! And yet there was a 
 time when every word, when every look he 
 addressed to me seemed replete with love — yes, 
 love ! A thousand times have I imagined that 
 he was on the point of confessing his passion — 
 a single word, an encouraging smile would have 
 decided him, but I refused them — a vain and 
 frivolous pride restrained me from evincing my 
 real sentiments, and yet I have loved him so 
 long, so fervently. Loved! — I have adored 
 him — I have appreciated his genius, his noble 
 spirit, his lofty virtues — and all this I have lost, 
 lost through my own vanity and folly." 
 
 Overcome by the intensity of her emotions, 
 she covered her face with her hands, and 
 yielded to a passionate flood of tears. Her
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 201 
 
 scarf had slipped from her ivory shoulders, and 
 the uppermost hooks of her black satin dress 
 had given way, nothing could be more beauti- 
 ful than the contrast between her long, dark 
 brown hair, and the snowy whiteness of her 
 skin, nothing more exquisite than the voluptu- 
 ous roundness of her delicate arms. But even 
 the matchless loveliness of this weeping girl 
 could not influence those inexorable arbiters of 
 human destinies — the hard-hearted fates. Xo 
 dens ex machina came to alleviate her despair. 
 By degrees, however, her sobs became less 
 violent, and having bolted and locked her door, 
 to prevent intrusion— she had already dismissed 
 her maid — she opened the drawer of her dress- 
 ing-table, and drew forth a beautifully tinted 
 sketch, upon which she gazed with a wild and 
 hopeless admiration. 
 
 There was no mistaking that lofty and inrel- 
 lectual forehead, those large, and deeply ex- 
 pressive eyes, those light, gracefully curling 
 locks, that seemed to wave in a summer's breeze 
 K 5
 
 202 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 — the turn of the whiskers and moustache, the 
 very tie of the neck -kerchief, at once negli- 
 gent and tasteful — all could belong but to one 
 man — and that man was Clarence Guilford. 
 
 Atalanta seated herself by the side of the 
 dressing-table, and resting her head upon her 
 hand, fixed her dark eyes, which seemed '* to 
 swim in liquid light," upon the portrait of her 
 lover. She had drawn it from memory, 
 it was a peculiarly striking likeness, and as she 
 gazed upon the pencilled features, a deep, heart- 
 rending sigh burst from her throbbing bosom, 
 which rose and fell like the tumultuous waves 
 of the ocean. Again she opened the drawer of 
 the dresssing-table, and drew forth the poem 
 which Guilfoifd had last given her, and perused 
 it with feverish excitement. It ran thus — 
 
 AN EXPLANATION. 
 
 (From the German of H Heine.*) 
 
 * Heine is a converted Jew, or the son of one, I am not sure 
 which ; he is a clever man, a celebrated political writer and 
 poet in Germany. But then he is a liberal Jew and does not 
 affect the exclusive and the aristocrat. He lives in a species of 
 exile at Paris.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 203 
 
 The evening shades were slowly falling, 
 
 Wilder dashed the flood, 
 And I sat on the shore and gazed upon 
 
 The waves in white foam dancing, 
 And my bosom swelled like the foaming sea 
 And a fiery longing seized my soul 
 
 For thee, thou lovely shape. 
 That everywhere around me flittest, 
 And everywhere upon me callest ; 
 Everywhere! everywhere! 
 In the roar of the wind, in the foam of the sea. 
 And the sighs of my own lone breast, 
 
 I took a reed and wrote upon the sand 
 
 * Agnes, I love thee !' 
 
 But the wicked waves came rolling 
 
 Over the sweet confession, 
 
 And blotted it out. 
 
 Fragile reed, changeable sand. 
 
 Rolling waves, I trust you no more ; 
 
 The heavens grow darker, my heart grows wilder 
 
 And with mighty hand from Norway's forests, 
 
 I tear the loftiest pine, 
 
 And dip it 
 
 In Etna's boiling crater, and with this 
 
 Flame dripping, giant pen 
 
 I write on the dark blue vault of heaven 
 
 ' Agnes I love thee.' 
 
 And every night it glows 
 
 Above—the eternal letters of fire. 
 
 And all succeeding generations 
 
 Shout as they read the heavenly words, 
 
 ' Agnes, I love thee !" 
 
 C. G.
 
 204 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 When Atalanta had read, for the hundredth 
 time, this wild rhapsody, she pressed the 
 beloved signature to her lips, and placed the 
 poem, together with the portrait, having first 
 carefully enveloped them in silver paper, in 
 one of the recesses of a small rosewood cabinet, 
 at the other extremity of the room. Upon the 
 top of this cabinet, which was of remarkably 
 elegant workmanship, stood a row of hand- 
 somely bound volumes. They were the com- 
 plete works of Sir Clarence Guilford— and 
 henceforth the greatest treasures she possessed. 
 
 '* Yes !" she murmured, '^ it will be some— 
 not consolation, that is impossible — but some 
 alleviation of my misery to read again and 
 again those dear, dear volumes, and to forget 
 for a moment, under the magic influence of 
 their varied pages, the grief that sooner or 
 later must bring me to an untimely grave !" 
 
 After regarding them for some time with a 
 profoundly mournful expression she opened one 
 of the volumes with a trembling and unsteady
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 205 
 
 hand. The first words that caught her eye 
 were the following — it was the heading of a 
 chapter. 
 
 '' The past is irrevocable, but the future is 
 our own." 
 
 " True !" she exclaimed, *' the future is our 
 own — all hope is not yet lost, and yet, why 
 delude myself with false and unfounded hopes ? 
 he is engaged — to be married — no, no, there is 
 no hope for me — on this side of the grave. She 
 kissed passionately, the volume she had opened, 
 and began to undress with agitated haste. 
 Need I add that unaccustomed to perform that 
 office without assistance, she tore her gown in 
 taking it off, had to cut her stay-lace with the 
 scissors, and pricked her rosy fingers, with the 
 innumerable pins with which waiting-women 
 delight in surrounding their mistresses — per- 
 haps as a protection against the insidious 
 designs of the other sex. 
 
 At length Atalanta succeeded in divestino^ 
 herself of all garments save those in which the
 
 20f5 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 ancient goddesses rejoiced, and reclining upon 
 her couch of down, after tossing restlessly for 
 some hours, fairly wept herself to sleep. 
 
 Having arrived at which very desirable con- 
 summation, I must entreat, my dear reader, 
 that you will accompany me to other scenes, 
 and other characters ; for although I entertain 
 not the slightest doubt but that you are a 
 highly moral and exemplary personage, it 
 would scarcely be consistent with propriety for 
 us to remain any longer in the sleeping apart- 
 ment of a young lady — especially of a most 
 fascinating heroine, nineteen years of age, and 
 of inexpressible loveliness.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSB Y . 
 
 207 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE PHU.OSOPHY OF BEARDS AND 
 THE IMMOETALITY OF THE SOUL. 
 
 When parliament again assembled, the Israelite 
 members were among the earliest to appear at 
 St. Stephen's, to perform those arduous duties 
 generally comprised under the head of legisla- 
 tion ; which term, in its most extensive signi- 
 fication, may, I apprehend, be considered to 
 include snuff-taking, snoring, telling scandalous 
 anecdotes, chattering on various subjects, groan- 
 ing, cheering, and giving utterance to a variety 
 of sounds and noises, either approbatory or the
 
 208 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 reverse, coughing, stamping, swearing, crowing, 
 grunting, interrupting, speechifying, and 
 voting ; not to mention eating chops and steaks 
 at Bellamy^s, presenting petitions, proposing 
 amendments, and other trifles, of a similar 
 nature. 
 
 The honorable member for Birmingham felt 
 his personal importance considerably diminished 
 by the introduction of Mosaic Arabs into the 
 House. Formerly he had stood alone in bis 
 bearded glory — and what was one amongst so 
 many ? — now he was not only rivalled, but 
 even surpassed in that particular by the hirsute 
 sons of Jewry ; whose flowing beards seemed 
 inclined like Shortfourd's " lucid streams,'^ to 
 " flow for ever," they indeed " looked eternal," 
 in the words of the same poetic lawyer, and 
 absolutely " rustled" as they passed along like 
 that of Count Eberhard, the growler, celebrated 
 in a ballad, by Schiller, recently done into 
 English by " the gifted boy,'^ in a manner 
 anything but gifted.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 209 
 
 " To shave, or not to shave," will always be 
 an open question amongst men. As is the case 
 with all open questions, much may be said on 
 both sides, and a good deal in the middle, that 
 is neither on one side nor the other ; a mode of 
 dividing an argument which I fear me, few of 
 your straight-laced logicians would approve of. 
 
 In the first place we have the example of the 
 great father of mankind, in favor of wearing 
 beards; for, although history is silent on the 
 subject, we may conclude, without any danger 
 of our deduction giving offence, that at a time 
 when there were no razors, there could not 
 very well be any shaving. Whether Tubal 
 Cain, the first worker in iron, attained to such 
 proficiency in his art as to produce those 
 miracles of cutlery is very doubtful. We have 
 been told in our hobbledehoyhood to get our 
 beards licked off" by the cat, but this proceeding 
 has been proved by men of science, (see the reports 
 of the last meeting of the Royal Society,) to be 
 absolutely impracticable like many other highly
 
 210 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 ingenious theories. Indeed philosophers class 
 it under the head of " seria mixta jocis^^ jocose 
 theories upon grave subjects ; and that shaving 
 is a grave subject need scarcely be demon- 
 strated; you have only to laugh whilst perform- 
 ing that operation, and cut your throat or your 
 nose off, to be perfectly satisfied of its serious- 
 ness. Again we have all the patriarchs, and 
 most ancient nations in favor of beards, which 
 indeed have only been discarded in this country 
 within the last century or two, and are still in 
 great esteem upon the continent. Finally it 
 will always be a momentous query for a man 
 to put to his own conscience, '* Why do beards 
 exist if they are not to be worn T^ 
 
 On the other hand, their inconvenience at 
 dinner weighs heavily against thesa hairy ap- 
 pendages. Unless people are very careful they 
 are apt to get into the soup, and to spoil their 
 waistcoats. Then if you quarrel with a* man 
 they are most enticingly convenient for him to 
 catch hold of, indeed much more so than the
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 211 
 
 nose, which is at present the pulling organ of 
 the human countenance; and to have your 
 beard pulled out by the roots must, as compa- 
 rative anatomy* teaches us, be an exceedingly 
 painful operation. 
 
 The arguments, which as I stated in my 
 premises, lie as it were in the middle, neither 
 wholly for, nor yet entirely against the propa- 
 gation of beardism, are those which advocate 
 the mustache a la militaire alone ; and without 
 entering into their various advantages, such as 
 their fascinating effects upon the gentler moiety 
 of the human race, their convenience for hang- 
 ing your pipe or umbrella from — provided they 
 are long enough to tuck behind your ears a la 
 Chinoise — the facilities they afford for conceal- 
 ing an ugly mouth, &c. I must confess that I 
 have a weakness in their favor — in medio tutis- 
 simus ibis, as saith the proverb. 
 
 * I allude to p\illing the hair of boys at school, and plucking 
 geese for their quills.
 
 212 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Fashion, however, is after all, our only guide 
 upon this point, and the fashion of the days I 
 write of was decidedly in favor of the animal- 
 lovegitable excrescences above discussed. 
 Everybody went about, " bearded like a pard," 
 and very young men spent prodigious sums in 
 'Circassian cream,' ^genuine bears' grease,' Macas- 
 sar oil, and other useful ointments; whilst a few, 
 wiser in their generation — the new generation, 
 shaved with highly exemplary pertinacity, in 
 the hopes of reaping a richer harvest at some 
 not very remote period. 
 
 A gentleman Hebrew, of the name of Abim- 
 elech, in particular shone conspicuous amongst 
 his brother members, by the more than patriar- 
 chal length of his beard, which was plaited in 
 t^o tails, reaching nearly to his knees. These, 
 when he walked along the streets, were sup- 
 ported on either hand by a tall footman, and 
 created a vast sensation amongst the little 
 boys, who would have given worlds to 
 have had a good tug at them if they
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 213 
 
 had dared,t but alas I the footmen carried canes 
 and ** discretion is the better part of valour.'^ 
 
 One afternoon as Sir Clarence Guilford en- 
 tered the house he found a group of his ac- 
 quaintance abusing Malthus. They asked his 
 opinion of that extraordinary, political econo- 
 mist, 
 
 '' I have read his essays," replied our hero 
 with an almost imperceptible tinge of sarcasm ; 
 '' but I would rather not venture a hasty 
 opinion on his principles." 
 
 '' How strange it is," said one of the leading 
 members of the opposition, by whose side 
 Guilford had seated himself, '' that men should 
 
 1 1 remember reading, a great many years ago, when I wa» 
 quite a child, an anecdote in some work on zoolqgy which 
 struck me at the time as being exquisitely ludicrous. 
 
 It appeared that a certain family had a tame panther which 
 ran loose about the house, and was so completely domesticated, 
 that oneTday, having stationed itself on its hind legs at a win- 
 dow, (for the purpose of enjoying the prospect I presume,) the 
 children, who were playing in the same room, and found the 
 panther in their way, exerted their united efforts to pull him 
 down by the tail !
 
 214 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 be so indifferent to the display of their own 
 ignorance." 
 
 ^' Yes," replied Clarence, " I would stake a 
 cool thousand that not one of those eager dis- 
 putants had ever perused half a dozen chapters 
 of the work they are decrying. What can be ab- 
 surder than to talk confidently of a subject of 
 which your only information is obtained from 
 popular report and allusions in the leading articles 
 of the newspapers. There are few writers more 
 bedeviled in allusion than Malthus, except 
 perhaps Plato. How sickening it is to hear 
 some empty-headed coxcomb, or silly school- 
 girl prate of platonic love, or praise his argu- 
 ments for the immortality of the soul." 
 
 '' Ah !" sighed the politician, '* that is indeed 
 a question before which those we are about to 
 discuss sink into insignificance. What do 
 you think of Plato's Doctrine of the Pre-ex- 
 istence?'^ 
 
 " I do not entertain the slightest doubt of 
 its truth," replied Guilford, ''if we are im-
 
 ANTI-CONIXGSBY. 215 
 
 mortal in futuro, we are also immortal in 
 prcBterito. But the grand principle of nature 
 is change. The substance of which our bodies 
 are formed has existed from all eternity in an 
 inconceivable variety of forms, and must exist 
 for ever in the eternity yet to come. Even 
 during our lifetime we undergo extraordinary 
 changes ; of the substance that formed the 
 infant not the slightest vestige remains in the 
 body of the man. That the body is eternal is 
 a self-evident proposition, the particles of which 
 it is composed, though dispersed through the 
 whole universe, cannot cease to eyist Nothing 
 can cease to be, or come into being in space, 
 that was not already there under some shape or 
 other. The illimitable can never be increased 
 or diminished. Annihilation can only be un- 
 derstood as decomposition, «r resolvin-r a thing 
 into its elements, production as uniting pre- 
 existent parts to form a new whole. The body 
 then is eternal, but can never be termed im-
 
 216 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 mortal, an attribute to which the soul can alone 
 lay claim." 
 
 " Ah ! there's the rub. I have heard Mate- 
 rialists deny the possibility of the soul existing 
 apart from the body, indeed they affirm that 
 body and soul are, as it were, one and the same 
 thing. All our ideas, all our sensations are 
 communicated by means of the senses, nay, we 
 think^ through their medium even when handling 
 the most abstract propositions." 
 
 *' True— all communications to the mind 
 must come through the sensual channel, but 
 what is the mirror that ultimately receives and 
 apprehends the said ideas and sensations — the 
 power — the will — in short the individuality of 
 the being ? It is plain that our identity does 
 not consist in our bodies, for thej^ change, in- 
 crease, wither, are mutilated, but still we con- 
 tinue to be the same individuals. A man dies, 
 his eyes are open, the objects are still reflected 
 upon the retina, but they convey no idea, 
 because there is nothing there to apprehend it.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 217 
 
 Something then has left his body, or undergone 
 a change." 
 
 " Then," said Guilford's companion, " the 
 question resolves itself into this — is the soul 
 capable of change ? I should say, yes. Do 
 we not daily add to our stock of ideas ?" 
 
 " There," said Clarence, '' you are running 
 into the common error of confusing the efiects 
 with the cause ; a chain of thoughts or ideas no 
 more makes a soul, than a chain of deal boxes 
 would constitute the carpenter who made them. 
 It is the individuality, the consciousness of a 
 separate and peculiar existence, and this consci- 
 ousness is found in the child as well as in the 
 grey-beard, it never changes, it is oo-existent 
 with our every thought and act." 
 
 " Ah I but when we sleep it slumbers.'^ 
 
 " I think not, we often have dim and indis- 
 tinct reminiscences of dreams which we strive 
 to call to mind more particularly — may we not 
 invariably dream^ and only occasionally re- 
 member." 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 2 18 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 " Ah I memory — '' 
 
 *' No more constitutes the soul than does the 
 chain of thoughts at this moment passing 
 through my mind." 
 
 " But if the soul is our individuality, and is 
 immortal, would not the loss of memory destroy 
 that individuality ?" 
 
 *' I think not— we forget a great deal — 
 indeed, a thousand times more than we remem- 
 ber, yet it does not at all affect our identity, 
 why then should the total loss of that faculty 
 do so ? I regard dreams as the type of our 
 future state. In them the spirit regains to some 
 extent its original power; the physical dis- 
 tinctions of time and space are annihilated. At 
 the moment everything appears to us real. I 
 declare I can fancy nothing more delightful 
 that an everlasting succession of beautiful 
 dreams !" 
 
 ** Well I" said his brother philosopher, 
 ** truth is a very difficult thing to get at, what 
 one sets up, another knocks down. We argue
 
 ANTI-CONINGSB Y. 219 
 
 upon the same subjects again and again, and 
 with the same unsatisfactory results. After all 
 the best evidence of our immortality is the 
 universal belief in the fact by all sects and re- 
 ligions, and the internal consciousness of our 
 own minds which feel themselves utterly un- 
 able to conceive the idea of ceasing to exist. 
 No, by Jove ! I can fancy myself dead, but 
 never annihilated." 
 
 " Nothing can be annihilated,'^ said Guilford, 
 '' you may divide, mix, add, substract, in short 
 effect what change you wiU, the original sub- 
 stance, be it material or immaterial, must remain 
 the same. Good bye, I am going to dinner." 
 
 " I am off too, I feel as if a little everlast- 
 ing soup and roast mutton would do my im- 
 perishable body a vast deal of good." 
 
 And the two immortals departed. 
 
 L 3
 
 220 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE COMMONS " GO THE TOTAL." 
 
 '' I AM in a terrible whey !" as Don Quixote 
 said, when Sancho Panza put the curds in his 
 hehnet — I meant to tell you something very 
 important in the last chapter, but could not for 
 the life of me '' come to the point." 
 
 The length of the Hebrew beards and noses 
 suggested reflections upon longitude in general, 
 and thus imperceptibly beguiled my senators 
 and myself into meditations upon the longest 
 of all human conceptions — eternity and immor- 
 tality. Subjects that will probably be treated 
 of long after this hastily s^cribbled tale, the age 
 we live in and its political struggles, even this 
 country itself, be buried in the all-gulphing 
 ocean of oblivion !
 
 ANTI-CONENGSBY. 221 
 
 But it really was very extraordinary — really 
 one meets in *' history" with such startling 
 incidents — 'pon honor! 
 
 . Now I will tell you what was not extraordi- 
 nary at all, the opposition members were in a 
 very great rage — no wonder ! — who would not 
 be savage under such exasperating circum- 
 stances ? 
 
 The idea of the Commons voting themselves 
 perpetual I 
 
 " Perpetual ?" 
 
 Yes, they did it. You should have heard 
 the row on the evening the bill was read for 
 the third time. I thought the outs would have 
 had a battle royal with the ins^ they turned red, 
 blue, green, purple, and all sorts of colors, with 
 excess of anger. To vote themselves per- 
 petual ! with so large a majority too ! it was 
 shocking — positively, (like the electrical 
 machine) a very shocking affair ! 
 
 Sir Clarence Guilford made a magnificent 
 speech, all about English liberties established
 
 222 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 for centuries, glorious constitution being sub- 
 verted, destruction of the country, and all that 
 sort of thing. However, they coughed him 
 down, and at last he got into a tremendous 
 passion, accused the ministry of high treason, 
 called their party a parcel of Jewish madmen, 
 and said there were wooden skulls enough 
 amongst them to supply all the wherries on the 
 river. 
 
 Sidonia told him that the age of wherries 
 was past— they had been done up by the 
 steamers. 
 
 Moses of the Minories said it was his opinion 
 that while they were about it they might as 
 well vote themselves peers at once. He had 
 made many a man appear by summons, before 
 he adopted the ready money business, and did 
 not see why he should not be made a peer by 
 summons himself. He had often made one of 
 his men account for his money, and considered 
 that he ought to be made a count for the same 
 reason. He took this opportunity of inform-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 223 
 
 ing his brother members, that whether they 
 took the measures he advised or not, he was 
 ready to take theirs at any time for every 
 article of human apparel, at the lowest possible 
 prices ; and he also reminded them that he had 
 a lar*jje assortment of taglionis, and wraprascals 
 ready made, from eight and sixpence and up- 
 wards. 
 
 An opposition member made some allusions, 
 with an entire disregard to the last speaker's 
 private feelings, to the poor workwomen who 
 he affirmed were most barbarously ill paid by 
 the class of unprincipled speculators to which 
 his honorable friend belonged. Indeed so 
 much so, that they frequently perished from 
 the want of sufficient healthy nutriment. 
 
 Great cries of question — question. 
 
 Colonel Slipslop thought both parties were 
 in the wrong, he would vote on neither side, 
 but would stop to hiss and groan a little if he 
 could keep awake. 
 
 A Mr. Tom King rose and seconded Mr.
 
 224 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Moses's motion, he thought he should like to 
 be a peer himself, indeed properly speaking, he 
 came of a very noble family, his ancestor, the 
 ' Erl King' was a personage of some celebrity. 
 
 Lord Gymnastic Customs wished a clause to 
 be introduced into the bill, relative to the rules 
 of cricket. At present it was usual in that 
 manly game for the two parties opposed to 
 one another to take " innings" alternately, as 
 they were bowled out by their opponents. He 
 thought that as parliament was about to be 
 remodelled, the cricketers ought to share the 
 benefits of the measure, he proposed that hence- 
 forward one side should have all the batting 
 and the other all the fagging in the game. 
 
 The clause was accordingly introduced. 
 
 An oppositionist said something about young 
 Lords leaving the rules of cricket to old Lord's 
 cricket-ground, but nobody paid any attention 
 to his remarks. 
 
 Mr. Despair made a short speech of little im- 
 portance.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 225 
 
 Mr. Botherwhack made a very long one of 
 a precisely similar nature. 
 
 A great deal of cross-firing then took place 
 between the smaller fry on both sides of the 
 house, and a good deal of unparliamentary lan- 
 guage was exchanged between Jew and Gen- 
 tile. At length they began to quote scripture 
 against one another, and to get very personal 
 in their observations. Quiet W3s, however, in 
 some measure restored, when the heroic Ben 
 Sidonia arose with majestic air^ and addressed 
 the House. 
 
 " He wished to impress upon their minds the 
 importance of the measure to which they were 
 about to give their sanction, although he I'eir 
 convinced that none but those, whose vision 
 was blinded, and intellects obscured by the 
 gloomy and impenetrable mists of ingrained 
 prejudice, could, by any possibility, fail to ppr- 
 ceive and acknowledge the prodigious advan- 
 .tages, and innumerable benefits which the 
 
 L O
 
 226 ANTI-CONING8BY. 
 
 country in general, and they — the honorable 
 members of the British senate — " 
 
 Gries from the opposition of *' no, no ! 
 Anglo-Jewish — Mosaic Arab, &c., &c." 
 
 " Would derive from the abolition of elective 
 representation !" 
 
 Immense cheering from the ministerial side 
 of the house, with horrible groans from the 
 opposition. 
 
 *' He conceived that if the interests of the 
 people were to be truly and faithfully repre- 
 sented, it wa^ above all things necessary that 
 their representatives should be free and in- 
 dependent agents, not liable to be biassed in 
 their patriotic endeavours by the ignoble dread 
 of being discarded by their constituents in 
 case of a dissolution of parliament. He also 
 conceived that the longer a man devoted him- 
 self to politics the better he understood their 
 complicated mysteries. A continually changing 
 government could never adopt a line of general 
 policy beneficial to the raticn. The present
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 227 
 
 parliament included all that was noble, great, 
 and illustrious in the country." 
 
 *' Oh ! oh !" from the opposition and stifled 
 laughter from some of the snobs on the minis- 
 terial benches. 
 
 "He repeated that the present House of Com- 
 mons was unequalled in the annals of the 
 nation." 
 
 Cries of '' rump ! remember the rump ! — 
 historic fancies !" from the opposition. 
 
 '^They consisted of men remarkable for their 
 talents, standing, and wealth, many of them 
 were of the pure, Caucasian race — genuine, 
 Mosaic Arabs." 
 
 Prodigious cheers from the Jew members. 
 Hisses, and cries of *' question," " old story," 
 &c., from the other side of the house. 
 
 *' He did not care for anybody, he had faith 
 in his own majority, and would carry his 
 measure in spite of the personal animosity and 
 prejudice displayed by the honorable members 
 opposite !" 
 
 Cheers, hisses, and groans, confusion, row, &c.
 
 228 ANTI-CONINGSBY* 
 
 Sir Clarence Guilford rose indignantly to 
 express his unqualified contempt for the faction 
 in power. He would not animadvert on the 
 inconsistency of their proceedings, compared 
 with their former avowal of their sentiments. 
 He knew that it was useless to waste his words 
 upon a question which was already decided by 
 an overwhelming majority. How that majority 
 was obtained he would not stop to inquire. 
 He left the house never to re-enter it until it 
 was purged from the slime by which it was 
 then defiled ! 
 
 And with a withering glance of scorn to the 
 myrmidons of the Young England chieftain, 
 Clarence quitted the senate of which he had so 
 recently become a member.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 229 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 CONSOLATION. 
 
 When Clarence returned to his apartments, at 
 " Mivart's," he found his cousin awaiting his 
 arrival, and drinking brandy-and- water with 
 very philosophical equanimity. 
 
 " Well, Clarence, how is it settled ?" said 
 Omnibus. 
 
 " The first blow at English freedom has been 
 struck— the perpetuity bill is carried. I shall 
 never enter the house again." 
 
 '' What do you intend to do then?" 
 
 " I do not know yet — but when the usual 
 means fail, unusual ones must be tried.' 
 
 );
 
 230 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 *' Ah ! I see — a revolution. Well, if you 
 will get the steam up, I don't mind joining you 
 — only if you can delay it a few months." 
 
 " For what reason ?" 
 
 " Just to give me time to spend my fourteen 
 thousand pounds. Fancy how dreadful it 
 would be to be hung with cash at one's banker's. 
 
 Clarence threw himself into an arm-chair, he 
 felt fatigued and exhausted, and his cousin's 
 levity ill-consorted with the disturbed state of 
 his mind. 
 
 " Have some grog !" said Wiggleton. 
 
 *' To think," muttered Guilford, '' of these' 
 circumcised hounds triumphing over the aris- 
 tocracy of England — and still worse over the 
 liberties of the English people, which so many 
 thousands have sacrificed health, fortunes, and 
 their life blood, to preserve through centuries of 
 civil wars, and religious and political struggles." 
 
 " It can't be helped," said Wiggleton, " the' 
 mischief is done — all the angry soliloquys in 
 the world will not recal a fraction of the past."
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 231 
 
 ** D n politics !' said Guilford ab- 
 ruptly. 
 
 " Ah I now you talk sense," rejoined Omni- 
 bus, " mix yourself some brandy-and- water, or 
 whiskey if you prefer it, make yourself at 
 home in your own rooms, and let us drink to 
 the confusion of the Coningsby Cabinet in 
 general, and their leader, Ben Sidonia in parti- 
 cular. After all what difference does it make 
 to individuals what government they live under 
 provided they have the means of enjoyment, 
 and are not personally molested ?" 
 
 " We differ," said Guilford, « but I am not 
 in a humour to commence an argument on 
 general principles so late in the night, besides 
 I have had enough of them in the House." 
 
 '* The House ^v-ill be removed to the ' Old 
 Jewry' next session, I expect," said Omnibus, 
 " by the way, I saw my cousin to-day, and she 
 asked me when you were to be married ?" 
 
 '' And what did you reply ?" said Clarence 
 eagerly, almost forgetting at the moment his
 
 232 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 recent defeat in the sudden interest his cousin's 
 words excited. 
 
 " I told her, in a few days," replied Omnibus 
 carefully combining the ingredients for another 
 glass of brandy-and-water. 
 
 " And she?— " 
 
 '' Fainted away in a moment." 
 
 " Well ?" stammered Guilford with agitation. 
 
 '' I sprinkled some eau de Cologne over her 
 face. She soon recovered and I left her in the 
 hands of her mother and the servants." 
 
 " Do you know whether the Marquis of 
 Wilton has been there lately T 
 
 '' No — but I hear he is gone to Scotland." 
 
 " Push me the bottle and the sugar." 
 
 A revoir caro lectore ! 
 
 END OF BOOK III.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 233 
 
 BOOK FOURTH. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 RUMOURS OF WAR — LORD HAR- 
 ROWDRAKE'S SANCTUM. 
 
 In the mean time the heroic spirits of the 
 '* grande nation" began to get exceedingly 
 rampant. The gentlemen of the national 
 guard curled their mustachios with remarkable 
 fierceness, and those of them, who — like 
 Brutus, were gifted with oratorical powers, 
 made very brutal and blood-thirsty speeches on
 
 ^34 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 the advisability of an attack upon la perfide 
 Albion^ with as little delay as possible. The 
 editors of the Parisian newspapers did their 
 best to vamp up old grievances, and invent new 
 ones, inflicted upon them by this country ; and 
 an immense deal of twaddle about insults to 
 the national honor, offered by clerical indivi- 
 duals in various quarters of the globe, was 
 published and read in the French metropolis. 
 Nor did they neglect to insinuate how conve- 
 nient was the unsettled state of things in this 
 country, for a sudden descent upon les perfides ; 
 indeed, one very sanguine — or rather sangui- 
 nary journalist, did not hesitate to prophesy 
 the speedy destruction, dismemberment, and 
 total annihilation of the British empire. 
 
 But all the sayings, singings, swearing, and 
 scribblings of these subordinate " braves^"* were 
 as nothing to the ferocious fulminations of the 
 admiral. Prince de Joinville. He of all the 
 Gallic race, had most cause to detest our per- 
 fidious nation. Had not a vindictive periodical
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 235 
 
 enjoying a most extensive circulation amongst 
 all classes of the British realms, sneered, 
 laughed at, ridiculed, and made fun of Joinville 
 the illustrious, of Joinville the bombarder of 
 undefended Moorish towns, and author of un- 
 answerable martial pamphlets. 
 
 Joinville fumed, and Joinville swore — to 
 conquer England (if he could.) He could not 
 sleep at night for thinking on his vengeance, 
 and often in his dreams, the phantom of a grim- 
 visaged sea-faring parson rose up before him, 
 and shouted " lubber I" in a spectral tone. 
 Then would the heroic Joinville spring from 
 his hammock, and chase the fleeting phantasm 
 of his diseased imagination round and round 
 his cabin, breaking his shins over the chairs 
 and other furniture, in a very pitiable manner, 
 occasionally even rushing upon the quarter 
 deck, his shirt tails flying in the wind ; which 
 extraordinary proceeding much terrified the 
 stout hearts of the starboard watch ; who
 
 236 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 before they got accustomed to his pranks, mis- 
 took him for some ghost or marine hobgoblin, 
 sent from the " vasty deep," as a punishment 
 for their multifarious iniquities. 
 
 After a time, however, they ceased to en- 
 quire, *' has this thing appeared again to- 
 night?" and began to regard the young 
 admiral's somnambulism as a thing by no means 
 out of the common way. 
 
 Then he wrote owo^Aer pamphlet, demonstrating 
 in a remarkably acute and logical manner, the 
 great facility with which a mine might be dug 
 under the British Channel, to blow up London, 
 including Buckingham Palace, Apsley House, 
 and the *' Punch office,"* whilst the French 
 navy — the steam navy of course — might bom- 
 bard Brighton, storm the chain-pier, and take 
 possession of the Pavilion. In short, he spared 
 
 * See the capital songs in that humourous periodical, rela- 
 tive to the warlike Joinville.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 237 
 
 no pains to destroy the good feeling existing 
 between the two countries. 
 
 On the other hand, the English were ex- 
 tremely averse to fighting : nor did this arise 
 from any want of pugnacity either real or 
 acquired. The men who have a voice in 
 such matters are precisely those, who never by 
 any chance risk the safety of their precious 
 persons in martial conflict. With them it was a 
 mere question of expense. They knew what the 
 last continental war had cost them, they also 
 knew how little it had gained them, (or any 
 body else) nor did they hope much more from 
 the enlightened ministry of the then present 
 occasion, than from the obstinate unstatesman- 
 like set who governed the country on the 
 former. 
 
 The more the English hung back, the more 
 the French pressed forward, and it soon became 
 evident to the sapient few, that a war was in- 
 evitable. Here I must pause to commemorate 
 the heroic self-devotion of a great-minded
 
 238 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 though obscure individual Mr. Henry Cowis 
 who had for a considerable time past been a 
 dabbler in diplomacy, and had at last succeeded 
 in getting himself sent to represent her majesty 
 at a southern court, suddenly stepped into 
 the breach with uplifted arm, and threatening 
 eye I 
 
 There was something extremely elevating in 
 the sight of a great nation shrinking before 
 one little man, or as Lady Cowis Fireon would 
 express it — *' the mere fraction of a man." It 
 was indeed a happy instance of the triumph of 
 moral over physical strength. France was 
 indeed dismayed, and no wonder. These were 
 the memorable words of the distinguished 
 diplomatist. 
 
 *' If YOU go to war with England^ I will 
 write another work on ' France.'^ " 
 
 For several months the dread of so dis- 
 astrous a catastrophe was the means of pre- 
 serving the peace of Europe. 
 
 At length war was declared, both nations
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 239 
 
 tucked np their shirt-sleeves, and commenced 
 active preparations for wholesale slaughter. 
 The foruishers of stores were on the alert, the 
 army contractors wore joyous faces, and the 
 young, military dandies were * selling out ' with 
 truly alarming rapidity. 
 
 « Well, thank God I" said Omnibus Wig- 
 gleton, '' I did not follow my cousin's advice, 
 and turn soldier. What shockingly fatiguing 
 work it musi be —marching and countermarch- 
 ing — right-about-face — present — fire ! 0' 
 Jupiter ! how I used to shudder when old 
 Harper the drilling-master entered the play- 
 fields at T 's ! and there to be can- 
 nonaded and musketeered — killed before you 
 could say your prayers, without knowing 
 where the shot came from, or who fired it." 
 
 "Or imagine yourself with a broken arm, 
 and a wounded leg — one of your eyes poked out, 
 and a great gash across your lower jaw — lying 
 half insensible upon a ploughed field, and
 
 240 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 ridden over by two or three regiments of heavy 
 cavalry ; then, just as you fancied it all over, 
 imagine some pillaging ruffian stripping you of 
 your clothes, putting you to the most excru- 
 ciating torture — you unable to resist — then, 
 either cutting your throat with a blunt carving- 
 knife, or still worse, leaving you in an agony 
 of thirst, pain and despair, to perish by the 
 most lingering of deaths !" 
 
 To say that the last speaker was any other 
 than Lord Harrowdrake, would be a positive 
 insult to the reader's acuteness. His lordship 
 was seated in his own peculiar studio, and oc- 
 cupied one corner of a remarkably comforta- 
 ble sofa, whilst his vivacious friend Wiggleton 
 was lolling back in the other, and languidly 
 admiring the paintings with which the walls of 
 the room were adorned. The sofa on which 
 the two gentlemen were seated, was ^ aperiently"* 
 (as Mrs. Gamp would say) covered with leather 
 of a rusty black, in reality, as the noble owner
 
 ANTI-CON ING8BY. 241 
 
 himself assured me, it was bedecked with the 
 skins of dead Hottentots and Caffres, and was 
 valued at nearly a thousand guineas. 
 
 " What do vou think of that picture ?" said 
 his lordship, pointing to a Kembrandt-like 
 tinted design of a Jew, in the act of being 
 grilled ; whilst a knight in armour, with a 
 diadem round his helmet, stood by, and com- 
 placently superintended the operation. " It 
 represents," he continued, " a Jew being 
 tortured, for the purpose of extorting money, 
 by Richard cceur de lion — is it not magnifi- 
 cent?" 
 
 " Yery ! — I remember my cousin telling me 
 of your disappointment in not obtaining this 
 identical painting/' 
 
 '' Yes,^^ said Harrowdrake, ^* an infernal 
 banker outbid me." 
 
 " But how ODmes it now in your possession ? 
 I suppose you bought it of him again at a most 
 exorbitant price ?" 
 
 VOL. L M
 
 242 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 '* No— I did not buy it at all.'* 
 
 " He surely was not generous enough to 
 make you a present of it ?'' 
 
 '* Not he !" 
 
 «* Then how did you get it ?" 
 
 '* Why to be candid— this is entre nous, of 
 course — I stole it.'' 
 
 '* Stole it ?" 
 
 " At least I employed an agent to do it for 
 me, and as you know quod facit per alium facit 
 per se" 
 
 *' But how on earth—" 
 
 '* Mum ! I hear somebody coming Good 
 
 morning, Springdale, how are you, my brave 
 fellow ? you must make the best of your time 
 you know, you may be 'food for powder' ere 
 many moons are past !" 
 
 " If I do, may I be d d !" thought the 
 
 gallant ensign, who expected every hour an 
 answer from his agent, concerning the sale 
 of his commission ; but he had heard the
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 243 
 
 Shaksperian proverb, which advises a man 
 to " assume a virtue if he have it not,"' and 
 therefore replied with heroic boldness, ** A 
 man can be killed but once in his life ! — can 
 he?"' 
 
 " No," replied the earl, " but how devilish 
 often he may be wounded !" 
 
 A few days afterwards the friends of Ensign 
 Springdale were much shocked to hear that he 
 had been thrown from his horse somewhere 
 in the precincts of the Regent's Park, and had 
 broken his left arm, besides suffering several 
 minor contusions. 
 
 As he had not sold out, by some delay on the 
 part of his agent, he now determined not to do 
 so at all, and lamented bitterly to all his 
 friends the hardness of his fate, which doomed 
 him to a bed of sickness, whilst his comrades 
 were about to earn a stock of martial glory 
 that, with proper management, might be made 
 to latet during all the rest of their lives. So it 
 M 3
 
 244 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 might — by the partim virorum, who, ceciderwit 
 in bello — 
 
 '' And died immortal in a bulletin !'j 
 
 Like the renowned 'Jack Smith' whom Byron 
 so much— much more effectually immortalised.
 
 ANTI-CONn^'GSBY. 245 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 CAPTAIN WARNER'S INVENTION. 
 
 One fine morning, Captain Warner, who had 
 been treated with such neglect by the conser- 
 vative cabinet, received a note from Mr. Con- 
 ningsby, appointing time and place for a fair 
 experiment of his projectiles, and assuring to 
 him the sum originally demanded by him for 
 his invention, in case he succeeded in per- 
 forming to the full, the promises so repeatedly 
 uttered. 
 
 The experiments were accordingly tried, 
 under proper superintendence and regulations, 
 and the result proving perfectly satisfactory.
 
 246 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 the English fleet, armed with this terrible 
 engine of annihilation, set sail for Morocco, 
 which empire was already more than half in 
 possession of the greedy Gauls. Indeed the 
 Sultan maintained his position in the western 
 parts of Fez with the greatest difficulty, and 
 but for the oft defeated, though still uncon- 
 quered and unconquerable Abd el Kader, his 
 valiant ally would long since have fallen into 
 the power of his enemies. You may imagine 
 then with what transports of delight the un- 
 fortunate Moor received the news of the 
 British expedition about to hasten to his 
 rescue. 
 
 " Allah is great, and Mahomet is his pro- 
 phet !" said Abderahman. 
 
 Abd el Kader said nothing, but made that 
 very day a sudden and unexpected attack upon 
 the rear of a French detachment, and cut off 
 nearly a hundred of the invaders. Thirteen 
 Arabs were killed in the skirmish, and seven 
 wounded. This was termed in the French
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 247 
 
 dispatches, ' a desperate though ineffectual 
 attack,' and the numbers of slain and wounded 
 were, accidentally of course — reversed. 
 
 The English and French fleets met one 
 another in the Bay of Biscay, or rather they 
 would have met, had not the latter, on coming 
 within the five miles range of the former, sud- 
 denly found themselves, to their infinite 
 astonishment, blown into a million of frag- 
 ments, by means of Captain Warner's ingeni- 
 ous projectiles. Three small steamers, of all 
 that mighty armament, alone effected their 
 escape, and returned by a circuitous route to 
 Havre, whence their crews made the best of 
 their way to Paris, and told Louis Philippe 
 and the Minister of War, how very unplea- 
 santly things had turned out, and how very 
 contrary to the anticipations of the illustrious 
 Prince de Joinville. 
 
 A vulgar report got afloat, concerning the 
 latter, which I shall take this opportunity of 
 contradicting. I allude to the universal iin-
 
 248 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 presslon, that when the admiral's ship blew up, 
 he (the illustrious Joinville) was sent whizzing 
 into the air with such velocity, and to such a 
 tremendous height, that the declination of the 
 parabola shot him down upon the centre of the 
 Place Vendome, in Paris ; whence, it was sup- 
 posed, he took a fiacre^ and drove to the Tuil- 
 leries to tell the ' old governor ' his adventures. 
 The Parisian wits added, that being puffed up 
 with vanity like a balloon ; it was no wonder 
 that he floated along upon the wind so easily, 
 and an old revolutionist expressed a decided 
 opinion, that, some day or other, the aforesaid 
 naval hero would go to the antipodes of ely- 
 sium in a parachute, or some equally rapid 
 and aerial conveyance. The whole story was 
 however a mere fabrication. The fact was, 
 that the prince did not happen to be on board 
 his own ship at the time the explosion took 
 place, and thus, by a lucky accident, escaped in- 
 evitable destruction. 
 
 Enormous prizes were immediately offered
 
 ANTI^CONINGSBY. 249 
 
 by the French Government to the chemists, 
 men of science, and the public at large, for the 
 discovery of the ' Warner secret,' and emis- 
 saries were secretly dispatched to London, in 
 order, if possible, to bribe some Jack in office 
 into giving the much coveted information. 
 
 Forthwith the commissioners appointed for 
 the purpose of receiving and examining them, 
 were overwhelmed with proposals, offering to do 
 the most surprising things in a manner still 
 more surprising. 
 
 One man was morally certain from the ex- 
 periments he had tried (with a tin pea-shooter) 
 that Captain Warner's projective power was 
 nothing more than an exceedingly powerful 
 air-gun, and offered to supply them with an 
 aeriel pocket-pistol by means of which, Dover 
 Castle might, with great facility, be levelled with 
 the ground, by any active gen (Tarme sta- 
 tioned upon the pier at Calais for the pur- 
 i^ose. 
 
 M 5
 
 250 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Another projector conceived that steam was 
 at the bottom of the mystery, 
 
 A third, galvanism. 
 
 A fourth, clock-work. 
 
 A fifth, animal magnetism. 
 
 A sixth had constructed a gigantic syringe, 
 which squirted water, he affirmed, to an incon- 
 ceivable distance. 
 
 A seventh expressed his conviction, that 
 the secret simply consisted in the well-con- 
 trived substitution of one of those explosive 
 substances, vulgarly denominated fulminating 
 silver &c., for gun-powder, as a projective 
 power. He was quite prepared with his ex- 
 periments, but he warned the government 
 (thus proving that he too was a Warner) tljat 
 the persons employing his missives, would run 
 considerable risk of becoming themselves their 
 victims, in place of those against whom they 
 were employed. 
 
 The first six projects came to nothing. The 
 air-gun exploded and killed the inventor on 
 the spot. The steam-gun was far too elaborate
 
 ANTI-CONINGSB Y. 2 5 1 
 
 and complicated, to be regarded for a moment 
 in a military point of view. The galvanic 
 cannon could not be brought to bear. The 
 clock-work gun would not carry a quarter of a 
 mile. The animal magnetism was all a hoax. 
 And the squirt was transformed into a patent 
 garden engine. 
 
 The seventh proposal was accepted by the 
 government, and the inventor most liberally 
 rewarded. 
 
 En passant it may be interesting to the 
 reader to know that the English Government 
 actually paid Captain Warner the stipulated 
 sum for his invention. It is astonishing how 
 greatly merit is appreciated in this country — 
 when it is wanted !
 
 252 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE METAMORPHOSIS, 
 
 There was a house in Oxford-Street, which 
 Omnibus Wiggleton was in the habit of pas- 
 sing almost daily. The first floor was appa- 
 rently tenanted by an old woman, whose only 
 occupation seemed to be sitting at her window, 
 and watching the ceaseless traffic of that 
 mighty thoroughfare. 
 
 Wiggleton was firmly persuaded that she 
 kept a statistical register of the number of 
 cabs, carriages, omnibusses, vans, waggons, 
 carts, men, women, and children, who passed
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 253 
 
 daily, and seldom neglected to look up to her 
 window — as he went by, just to satisfy his 
 mind of a fact, which no possible degree of 
 scepticism could have enabled him to doubt ; 
 viz : that the old woman was still seuted there, 
 doing her duty in that state of life to which it 
 had pleased God to call her. 
 
 This old woman, besides that above men- 
 tioned, possessed another very obvious pecu- 
 liarity ; she was ugly beyond all human ideas 
 of ugliness — positively hideous, so hideous, 
 that had she lived a century or two ago, no 
 earthly power could have saved her from being 
 burnt at Smithfield as a witch. 
 
 This reflection had frequently occurred to 
 Wiggleton ; and he was possibly thinking of 
 those pious ceremonies of the olden time, as 
 he rode past the before-mentioned house on 
 his way to Hyde Park, where he had promised 
 to meet his cousin Sir Clarence, in order to 
 take the dust and admire the women, after the 
 most approved fashion.
 
 554 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Nor did he on the present occasion neglect 
 to throw a transitory glance at the unsightly 
 fixture which had so frequently afforded him 
 stuff for meditation. 
 
 ** Can I believe my eyes ?" he suddenly ex- 
 claimed, drawing in his horse, and gazing 
 at the window with intense astonishment. 
 After gazing thus for a few seconds, he felt 
 that the evidence of his senses could not rea- 
 sonably be rejected, and was compelled to con- 
 fess to himself, that in lieu of the hideous old 
 hag he had been accustomed to see at the 
 window, he now beheld one of the most 
 angelic creatures on whom the light of Phoebus 
 ever shone. 
 
 '* What a beautiful girl !" he again ex- 
 claimed — in the words of some poet or other, 
 " ' I wonder how the devil she came there !" 
 
 *' Hollo ! there, you sir !" shouted in a sten- 
 torian voice, the driver of a citadine^ '* are you 
 goin' to stand where you are all day ?"
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 255 
 
 *' Yes," replied Omnibus abstractedly, " and 
 all night too — lovely being I" 
 
 " Vill you get hout o' the vay young feUer ?" 
 vociferated the enraged omnibus driver, lashing 
 his horses. 
 
 AViggleton moved aside, and the property 
 of the * London Conveyance Company ' rattled 
 past him. When he again raised his eyes to the 
 window, his newly discovered divinity had 
 vanished. Whether it was the eflfect of con- 
 trast or not, I shall not at present presume to 
 enquire ; but most assuredly Omnibus Wig- 
 gleton, who was gifted with more than ordi- 
 nary keen-sightedness, thought the supplanter 
 of the ugly lady by many degrees (some thou- 
 sands at least) the most fascinating woman he 
 had ever beheld either in this or any other 
 country. 
 
 '' Adorable creature !" he murmured, " I 
 must make her acquaintance, and that quickly, 
 or like ' Mantalini,' I shall be * a demd body '
 
 256 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 in no time." Wiggleton was not a man, you 
 may imagine, to let the grass grow over his 
 resolutions. He beckoned to his groom. 
 
 '* Kobinson,'* said he, *' go and enquire at 
 that shop — there, the confectioner's — whether 
 they let their first floor, and — no, I've changed 
 my mind — hold my horse — I will ask my- 
 self." 
 
 Wiggleton dismounted and entered the shop. 
 He called for an ice. 
 
 " Fine weather, sir," said the pastry-cook, 
 a pretty little widow still on the sunny side 
 of thirty. 
 
 " Yery fine indeed," said Wiggleton, " what 
 a number of people there are out to-day. 
 This is a lively street to live in. Do you 
 know I have been trying to get some apart- 
 ments on the first floor, in this part of Oxford- 
 Street for some time past." 
 
 " Have you really air ?" said the vendor of 
 pastry, her eyes evidently brightening, '* / have
 
 ANTI-C0NING8BY. 257 
 
 a first floor to let — if you r^ould like to look at 
 it—" 
 
 " Not to-day, I thank you," said Omnibus, 
 whose attention was suddenly and forcibly 
 attracted by something outside, abruptly quit- 
 ting the shop. 
 
 " Sir — sir !" cried the widow, " you have 
 not paid I" 
 
 *' Oh ! I beg your pardon," said Omnibus 
 turning back for an instant, and throwing a 
 sovereign on a marble slab near the door. 
 
 *' Sir — sir ! your change !" cried the pastry- 
 cook ; but her (query — queer) customer was 
 already half way across the road. 
 
 The fact was, that whilst Omnibus was eat- 
 ing his ice, and talking to the pretty pastry- 
 cook, his new inamorata had issued forth from 
 the private door into the street. He recognised 
 her in a moment — thought her ten times lov- 
 lier in her walking costume, and leaving the 
 confectioner's shop in the abrupt manner I 
 have described, followed, passed, turned as if
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 258 
 
 he had forgotten something ; repassed her, and 
 vowed to his own conscience, that if he had 
 not fallen desperately and irretrievably in love 
 with her, he deserved to be hanged, drawn and 
 quartered, or locked up in the Model Prison (an 
 infinitely more horrible punishment*) for the 
 residue of his earthly existence !" 
 
 *' Well, what news ?" said Guilford when 
 they met in the park. 
 
 '* News !" replied Omnibus, " I am in love 
 —head over ears I" 
 
 *' And may I ask with whom ?" 
 *' You may ask, certainly — but I'll be 
 hanged if I can tell you. 1 never saw her but 
 once in my life, and I have no more notion 
 who, or what she is, than the King of the Can- 
 nibals !" 
 
 " A very mysterious afiair indeed, bmt you 
 
 * I know not the name of the inhuman originator of soli- 
 tary confinement, but I sincerely hope that eternal infamy will 
 pursue all who advocate this atrocious method of punish- 
 ment.
 
 259 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 can explain all about it this evening. I 
 see your aunt's carriage coming this way — how 
 pale she looks !** 
 
 " Who is she ?" said Wiggleton. 
 
 '* Pooh ! do not tease me — we are both in 
 the same mess, luckily ; so we must exercise 
 mutual forbearance." 
 
 " How are you, Sir Clarence ?" said Lady 
 Maddens, " and when are you going to be 
 married ? and why have you not shewn your- 
 self in Baker-Street lately ?" 
 
 ''I am quite well — I am not going to be 
 married — political engagements." 
 
 '' You answer questions well." 
 
 " I am a lawyer." 
 
 *' A walking volume of Pinnock's cate- 
 chisms," said Omnibus Wiggleton. 
 
 " But I thought," rejoined Lady Maddens, 
 " that you told us you were engaged to a 
 young, French countess ?" 
 
 ** It was a hoax," said Sir Clarence. 
 
 " Thank God !" murmured Atalanta, and a
 
 260 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 vivid flash of delight illuminated her features, 
 which were suflfused a moment afterwards by a 
 crimson blush of shame. 
 
 '^ She loves me !" thought Clarence gazing 
 passionately on her lovely countenance. 
 
 " Have you been well lately, Miss Mad- 
 dens ?" said he aloud. 
 
 " Not very well — I have suffered a great 
 deal from ennuis 
 
 " A terrible disease ; but not an incurable 
 one. I can prescribe a remedy which rarely 
 fails to remove the evil." 
 
 '* Pray tell me the ingredients that I may 
 hasten to test their efficacy." 
 
 " They are somewhat more numerous than 
 the components of Vivian Grey's Roman 
 Punch — a pint of noyeau and a hod of mortar," 
 said Clarence smiling. 
 
 " Then write them down," said Atalanta, 
 " and— and— " 
 
 " Bring them with me this evening," com-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 261 
 
 pleted Guilford, — " adieu ! we meet again at 
 PhilippL" 
 
 Guilford cantered away. He bore within, 
 and left behind — a happy heart. The sun- 
 shine seemed more gay, the trees appeared 
 more green 
 
 " Now for your story Omnibus," exclaimed 
 our hero. 
 
 " I've heard it before," says the reader.
 
 262 ANTI-CON ING8BY. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 SCHOOL REMINISCENCES. 
 
 The boudoir of Lady Maddens did not re- 
 semble the general run of Ladies' boudoirs. 
 The tesselated flooring, the plain and thinly- 
 scattered furniture, the daggers and ataghans 
 arranged in stars and crescents, the Indian 
 bows and arrows, and the quaint, Arabesque 
 decorations of the walls, would have given it 
 the appearance of a miniature armoury, had not 
 sundry glass cases of old coins and seals, full of 
 worm-eaten volumes and dusty portfolios, 
 rather inclined a casual observer to take it for 
 the study of an antiquary.
 
 ANTI-C0NING8BY. 263 
 
 There was a bright fire blazing in the grate, 
 which, as the weather was chilly, emitted a 
 heat in every sense of the word grateful, and 
 gave the room an appearance of comfort, of 
 which one would scarce have believed it capa- 
 ble. 
 
 The mistress of the above described apart- 
 ment was reading by the light of a shade- 
 candlestick, at a little table near the fire, 
 whilst Miss Maddens was engaged in the pre- 
 paration of that popular Chinese beverage, 
 whose use has become to us English a second 
 nature, which our beer-drinking forefathers 
 would possibly have found some difittculty in 
 comprehending. 
 
 Sir Clarence Guilford was seated near Ata- 
 lanta. Their oral conversation was of dif- 
 erent subjects — theatres, balls, on dits — but at 
 the Mme time the cousins were carrying on 
 an optical dialogue, evidently relating to 
 matters of far deeper interest.
 
 264 ANTI-C0NING8BY. 
 
 "18 your tea sweet enough ?'* said Atalanta 
 to Sir Clarence. 
 
 *^ Quite, thank you," replied he, in a tone 
 of mellifluous softness, without either looking 
 at, or tasting the liquid in question. 
 
 *^ Dear me !" exclaimed Lady Maddens 
 '* why, I declare, Atty has given you nothing 
 but milk and sugar !" 
 
 *' I beg your pardon Mr. Guilford— Sir 
 Clarence I mean," stammered poor Miss Mad- 
 dens, blushing like the buds of a Peruvian 
 rose. 
 
 " Pray do nothing of the kind — there is 
 nothing I am so fond of as milk — particularly 
 London milk — it reminds one of one's merry 
 school days, and the morning basin of sky- 
 blue and thick bread and butter." 
 
 *' You are very kind to excuse my absence 
 (ff miad, but if I were to take you at your 
 word—" 
 
 '' There is nothing I should better like 
 than to be taken at my word^'' replied Guil-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 265 
 
 ford with a slight emphasis, perceptible only 
 to her for whom it was intended. 
 
 Atalanta blushed still more deeply, as she 
 handed him another cup — this time, without 
 any sugar ; but Sir Clarerite drank it without 
 remarking the deficiency. 
 
 " You spoke just now of your merry school 
 days," said Lady Maddens, *' now do you really 
 think, Sir Clarence, that school days are indeed 
 (as many have professed) the happiest period of 
 a man's existence ?" 
 
 " / think so ? — no ! Were I enabled to 
 add ten years to my life, by again enduring 
 the miseries of my boyhood, though it were 
 my fate to die to-morrow, I should not dream 
 for a moment of accepting the alternative. 
 Even now it makes me shudder to reflect upon 
 the miserable tyranny to which I was sub- 
 jected. The malicious annoyance of vulgar and 
 stupid ushers, the inquisitorial letter-opening, 
 the irksome surveillance during the hours of 
 
 VOL. I. N
 
 266 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 recreation, are a few of the happinesses of a 
 private school." 
 
 " Well I remember the bitter disappointment 
 I used to feel when my studious efforts were 
 either unnoticed or -unappreciated. When my 
 blood boiled beneath the sneers and insults of a 
 domineering assistant, and I dared not retaliate 
 — at least not openly and boldly, which alone 
 could have afforded me satisfaction ; for what 
 availed it to stick pins in the tyrant's chair, and 
 put cockchafers in his tea, to pelt him with 
 orange-peel when his back was turned, and 
 call him nick-names when he could not hear 
 me ?" 
 
 '* To be sure, we booked th6 masters now 
 and then." 
 
 " You hooked them — what is that ?" en- 
 quired Lady Maddens. 
 
 " I mean we threw dictionaries and Grecian 
 Histories at their heads — and in very bad cases 
 — slates ; but that we called slating them."
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 267 
 
 *' Dear me ! you had quite a language of your 
 own." 
 
 *' Quite so. We used to call a falsehood an 
 ' Aristomedian crammer,' and a boy who cried 
 when he was caned, an * Orangeman.' We talked 
 Latin too at night in our bed-rooms." 
 
 " For practice I suppose ?" 
 
 *' No — for pure fun. It was Dog-Latin of 
 course. Then we told stories by turns, and 
 sometimes remained awake till past midnight. 
 I once told one myself about some knight-errants, 
 that lasted during a whole half year, although 
 it was continued for nearly two hours every 
 night ; indeed by the time I got to the middle 
 — for end it never had — I had quite forgotten 
 the beginning." 
 
 '* That was perhaps the origin of your 
 talent for novel writing." 
 
 " Perhaps. The night was to me by far 
 the happiest portion of my school days. We 
 went to bed at half past eight o'clock, and usu- 
 ally talked for about half an hour on general 
 N 3
 
 268 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 subjects, such as our fathers' horses, and guns 
 (if they had any) the theatres we had visited 
 in the holidays, the fun we had had at 
 the juvenile parties to which we had been in- 
 vited by one another ; the comparative beauty 
 of the young ladies at the said parties. One 
 little fellow was never tired of telling us how 
 many cigars his father (a noble earl) smoked 
 in the course of an evening ; a second had an 
 elder brother, in India, who according to his 
 account, made terrible havoc among the tigers 
 in the jungles ; fought duels every other day, 
 and possessed more native servants and elephants 
 than he could count in a twelvemonth. A 
 third, whose father lived in Scotland, narrated 
 a marvellous anecdote of his having killed, on 
 some occasion, at a single shot, no less than seven 
 sacks of birds with a swivel gun. Then we talked 
 politics; that is, those whose fathers called them- 
 selves Tories, abused the Whigs, with all their 
 hearts and souls, and vice versa. Then we talked 
 about love ; and each had some fair girl to de-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 269 
 
 scribe, whom he invested with all the attributes 
 of ideal beauty and perfection. Manvers espe- 
 cially — the roue ! — told a tale of a magic lan- 
 tern, and a kiss in the dark, of most absorbing 
 interest. Sometimes in the middle of a con- 
 versation of this kind, the pedagogue's stealthy 
 step would be heard approaching. Instantly 
 the speaker checked himself, and Duncombe 
 would say with most perfect sangfroid for the 
 hundred and fiftieth time — * I say, Guilford, 
 have you ever been to the British Museum ? 
 Yes,' this was my invariable answer, * and 
 don't you remember the skeleton of the ' Great 
 Indian Elephant ?.'— " 
 
 ** Really," said Atalanta laughing, " I had 
 no idea that little boys were such artful hypo- 
 crites." 
 
 '' They are but men of smaller growth," said 
 Guilford, '* but I tire you with my shoolonoc- 
 turnal reminiscences ?" 
 
 " Not at all — I assure you I am highly in- 
 terested in your description of the mode of
 
 70 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 passing your time ; it has already the effect of 
 the prescription you promised." 
 
 *' Well," continued Sir Clarence, *' after in- 
 dulging in half an hour's small-talk, we gen- 
 erally sang a few songs in chorus, or told mar- 
 vellous tales of our own invention, until ' the 
 balmy,' as Mr. Richard Swiveler would say, 
 overcame our unwilling senses. Now and then 
 we had ' feasts,' and ' bolstering matches,' and 
 when the measles were in the school, we actu- 
 ally bolstered the doctor for sending us so 
 many black draughts !" 
 
 " I suppose you found Eton a very agreea- 
 ble change ?" said Lady Maddens. 
 
 " Very," replied Sir Clarence, ** but even 
 Eton has its dark sides. Firstly, there is the 
 detestable system of fagging. Secondly, the 
 still more detestable system of flogging. 
 Between the two, many a noble spirit has been 
 broken. To a sensitive mind the disgrace of 
 the latter is perfect damnation, and 1 do not 
 hesitate to say that whoever maintains flogging
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 271 
 
 to be either necessary or advisable — nay more, 
 that it is not an inhuman and injurious ingre- 
 dient in the education of our youthful aristo- 
 cracy, is a drivelling idiot and himself deserving 
 of the 'cat.'" 
 
 " I knew an instance of a youth whose feel- 
 ings were so embittered from this punishment 
 having been inflicted upon him, that after liv- 
 ing for some years, in a state of mind border- 
 ing on insanity, he at length actually destroyed 
 himself. And quite recently the master of a 
 public school, was so severely horsewhipped by 
 a young man whom he had flogged a few years 
 before, as to produce a serious illness." 
 
 " But surely," said Lady Maddens, " in- 
 stances of such vindictive feeling are very 
 rare ?" 
 
 '' I am sorry to say they are," replied Guil- 
 ford, " though after all it is not the fault of 
 the poor school-masters, but of our educational 
 system and ingrained prejudices. At ihe 
 Prussian gymnasia there is no corporeal chas-
 
 272 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 tisement permitted, and yet I am convinced 
 from personal experience, that the general run 
 of Germans, either sons of their nobles, or those 
 studying for the learned professions, are better 
 classical scholars than with us— besides, they 
 are taught French, mathematics, and history ; 
 of which we are left in happy ignorance, un- 
 less prompted by our own inclination, to con- 
 tract their acquaintance. In my opinion there 
 can be but one excuse for flogging a school-boy 
 — a dishonourable action." 
 
 " You express yourself strongly on the sub- 
 ject," said Lady Maddens. 
 
 " I feel strongly upon it. The first bias 
 which the mind receives, re-acts upon the dis- 
 position through the whole life-time ; the bar- 
 barous custom in question is a great moral 
 evil". 
 
 And yet Solomon says, * spare the rod and 
 spoil the child !' 
 
 *' Oh ! pray do not talk of Solomon — it 
 makes me think of the Jew Lord Mayor they 
 have just elected."
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 273 
 
 '' My cousin Omnibus thinks the whole 
 country is going to the dogs," said Atalanta. 
 
 " Nous verrojis,^^ said Lady Maddens as she 
 left the room. 
 
 Clarence and Atalanta were alone. 
 
 N o
 
 274 
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 LOVE. 
 
 *' There is a cavern damp and cold, 
 Wherein a grisly king doth hold 
 A spectral court in gloom threefold, 
 
 For ever and for e'er ! 
 His features pale, 
 Tell a fearful tale, 
 
 His corpse"like eye is turned to stone, 
 Mid shrieks of pain, and many a groan, 
 Unmoved and silent sits alone 
 
 The monarch fiend — Dbspair !
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 275 
 
 n, 
 
 There is a bow*r on a verdant height. 
 Surrounded by roses and parasite, 
 There sits a Queen as fair as light, 
 
 Looks down the flowery slope, 
 And on the prospect's far extent 
 Her beaming eyes are softly bent ; 
 With voiceless joy, a nectar draught 
 She quaffs, and the goblet as soon as quaffed 
 Is replenished, by seraphs from Eden sent — 
 
 And the name of this queen is Hope !" 
 
 These words were sung by Atalanta in a 
 soft, clear voice ; whilst the happy author of 
 both poetry and music leant over the lovely 
 vocalist, under the pretence of turning the 
 leaves of the song, which she had known by 
 heart almost from the day of its publication. 
 His arm, strange to say, «// 5z^^ encircled her 
 sylph-like waist, his light brown curls mingled 
 with her long, dark tresses, their cheeks all but 
 touched, as he whispered in her ear — 
 
 " It ia for you to decide which of these two 
 mighty potentates is henceforth to own me as 
 a subject ?"
 
 276 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Atalanta started — she blushed — she was 
 always blushing, was Atalanta — her milk- 
 white bosom heaved — she trembled— she cast 
 down her eyes — but she uttered not a word. 
 
 " Atalanta !" exclaimed Guilford in a deeply 
 impassioned tone, '* I love you ! — I loved you 
 as a boy — I adore you as a man — fortune and 
 rank are now mine — but they are valueless as 
 the dust beneath us,t if you refuse to share 
 them with me ; — Speak — look up, and let 
 me read in those dark orbs a confirmation of 
 my happiness !" 
 
 Atalanta raised her head — her lover's deep 
 blue eyes seemed to drink the very inmost 
 secrets of her soul. What varied meaning could 
 those eyes convey ! Like ' Vathek's,' his 
 glance of hate appeared by its basiliskine fierce- 
 ness to blast and wither those on whom it 
 rested. Few could throw more concentrated 
 contempt and scorn into a single look. None 
 
 t I beg leave to observe that the dust alluded to, v.as a 
 very nice new Persian carpet — however, one must not be too 
 particular with lovers and poets.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 277 
 
 send flashing from beneath their brows such 
 mingled passion, tenderness and love, which 
 penetrated like an electric current to the heart 
 of his beautiful companion. 
 
 '* Filled with a sweet and indescribable de- 
 light, Atalanta sank into the arms of Sir Cla- 
 rence, who gazed upon her with the most de- 
 voted and passionate admiration !" 
 
 " Darling girl !" he exclaimed, words can 
 never express how intensely — how ardently I 
 love you !" 
 
 A long silence followed — the consciousness 
 of ineffable bliss, supplied the place of verbal 
 protestations and vows — burning kisses were 
 exchanged —with his left arm Guilford, seated 
 on the music stool, encircled the waist of Ata- 
 lanta, and occasionally with his right hand 
 struck from the notes of the piano-forte, a few 
 exquisite chords of wild and beautiful har- 
 mony, which caused their pure and youthful 
 hearts to thrill in ecstatic sympathy. 
 
 " Atalanta," said Guilford at length, '' I 
 Must speak to your mother."
 
 278 ANTI-CONINGSBT. 
 
 ** Yes, Clarence," she replied, and his name 
 seemed doubly melodious when sounding from 
 her tempting lips. 
 
 One more kiss, and Lady Maddens re-entered 
 the room. 
 
 *' Can I have half an liour's private con- 
 versation with you, my dear lady," said Guil- 
 ford. 
 
 " Certainly," replied her ladyship, and 
 Atalanta quitted the apartment.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 279 
 
 CHAPTER YL 
 
 VALOUR AND STRATAGEM. 
 
 WiGGLETON having made his toilette with con- 
 summate art, astonished Ensign Springdale by 
 a particularly early visit the next morning. 
 He found the latter in the act of stuffing a 
 carpet bag with a variety of habiliments as if 
 for a journey. From this occupation, however, 
 he instantaneously desisted on beholding his 
 friend, whilst his cheeks exhibited considerable 
 tendency to rival his full-dress regimentals in 
 their coloring.
 
 280 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 ** I am delighted to see you on the atmos- 
 pheric railroad to improvement," said Omnibus, 
 " you had your arm in a sling the last time I 
 saw you — let me see, it was two days ago." 
 
 *' No," said Springdale, *' it was three — I 
 am certain it was three, because — " 
 
 '* Well never mind proving, like the German 
 logicians that twice two is four; three davs 
 ago you could not lift your hand to your 
 nose." 
 
 '' It was not quite so bad as that either,^' 
 said the Ensign deprecatingly. 
 I i" Well, I am glad, at any rate, that you are 
 so much better," replied Wiggleton, who began 
 to wonder what his friend was driving at. 
 
 " Yes, I certainly am a gre.it deal better," 
 replied Springdale, " of course you have heard 
 the glorious news of the destruction of the 
 French fleet, and the tremendous defeat of 
 their troops in Morocco ?" 
 
 '' Not a word," said Wiggleton. 
 
 ''Oh, yes! the news arrived yesterday —
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 281 
 
 knocked all to pieces — blown to atoms — War- 
 ner's invention — and I not there to share the 
 glory!" 
 
 '* And the plunder," suggested Omnibus. 
 
 *' And the plunder," continued Springdale, 
 " but my arm is nearly well now — a ship is just 
 going to sail. I shall get quite well by the 
 time we arrive at Mogadore.^' 
 
 " Then I am to understand that you mean to 
 join your regiment ?" 
 
 '' You have hit the nail on the head," replied 
 the valiant Ensign. 
 
 " Who else is going with you ?" 
 
 '' Lord Sniggers — a particular friend of mine 
 — do you know him ?" 
 
 '* Know him ? — not I — he is one of the peers 
 that were made by Coningsby, to carry the 
 perpetuity bill in the Lords — however, as he is 
 your friend, I will not express too strong an 
 opinion of him." 
 
 " Oh ! pray don't let that prevent you from 
 saying anything you like; we are not at all
 
 282 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 intimate — I never saw him but once in my 
 life." 
 
 '' Nor anybody else," said Wiggleton laugh- 
 ing, *' from nothing he came, and to nothing 
 he will return some day or other, I suppose." 
 
 The nephew of Lady Maddens fell into a 
 brown study. He had always regarded Spring- 
 dale as a fool — an honest, brave, good-natured, 
 frank-hearted fool. He now began shrewdly 
 to suspect that he had made a very great 
 mistake in the character of that gallant officer. 
 Springdale had evidently carried out a very 
 deep laid and ingenious scheme. That he had 
 never broken his arm was evident ; he was now 
 about to join his regiment, and stood a fair 
 chance of getting promoted, without running 
 any risk from the French bayonets and artillery. 
 Ensign Springdale rose in the estimation of 
 Omnibus Wiggleton; not on account of his 
 cowardice, but because he had managed a suc- 
 cessful ruse. Omnibus entertained a peculiar 
 theory with regard to courage ; he regarded it
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 283 
 
 as an inborn quality, which a man, not natu- 
 rally gifted with could no more subseqently ac- 
 quire, than he could bestow on himself a 
 talent for poetry or painting by any exertion of 
 his own mental powers. A man, therefore, he 
 considered ought not to be blamed for being 
 the veriest coward alive, any more than for 
 having a hump-back*, or a club-foot, inasmuch 
 as he could not possibly remedy the evil ; but 
 to shew the white feather was in his opinion a 
 most heinous offence, as it involved not only- 
 cowardice, but downright stupidity, a union of 
 bad qualities which even his theory of inborn 
 properties could not enable him to get over. 
 Omnibus himself was as fearless as a lion, and 
 consequently one of the most inoffensive men 
 that breathed. Now and then it is true his 
 high spirits involved him in a '* row," from 
 which he never failed to extricate himself with 
 eclat. 
 
 " Springdale," said he, '* I want your assis- 
 tance in the execution of a stratagem."
 
 284 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 " What is it?" enquired the Ensign cauti- 
 ously, desirous of '' looking before he leaped." 
 
 '' I am in love," replied Wiggleton, " my 
 bella donnaYvwQ^ in Oxford Street on a first floor. 
 Who, or what she is, I do not know, but I am to 
 see the apartments she inhabits this morning. 
 They are at a pastry-cook's. Now what I want 
 you to do is, to corae into the shop about five 
 
 minutes after me, and ask for Mrs. , you 
 
 will see her name over the shop window — this, 
 if I do not miscalculate very wofully, will 
 leave me tete-a-tete with my first floor beauty. 
 You will of course keep her as long as you 
 can-" 
 
 " But — " began Springdale. 
 
 " But! — me no buts, as King Kichard III. 
 said to Hastings. I do not ask you to enter- 
 tain an old harridan with false teeth, and 
 wrinkles deep as ditches ; but a fair young 
 widow, of a marvellously aoreeable aspect, I 
 assure you."
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 285 
 
 *' Well," said the Ensign, '' the adventure 
 improves — but what shall I say to this ' young 
 widow ?' " 
 
 " Say I say anything — make love to her." 
 
 '* But how shall I begin ?" 
 
 '* Begin ? — don't begin at all ! follow 
 Horace's advice, and dash at once in medias 
 res r 
 
 '' But I must say something." 
 
 " Then ask for an ice— a raspberry ice, and 
 when she gets it you, change your mind and 
 take a pine-apple." 
 
 " But suppose she does not serve me herself, 
 but tells somebody else to do so." 
 
 " Hum I what a muS it is !" thought Wig- 
 gleton,'*I wish I had asked my cousin, he would 
 have understood me at a word ; only he is so 
 infernally moral, he would have asked me what 
 my intentions were before I knew them my- 
 self Then I might have asked MelviUe ; only 
 he is such a man of the world, he would have 
 talked of ' consequences,' and have been for
 
 266 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 making inquiries as to the respectability of the 
 girl, if he thought I was in earnest, or else 
 warning me against the four and sixpenny 
 seduction act. After all, this blockhead I 
 have chosen will suit my purpose best." 
 
 *' I'll tell you what, Springdale," said Omni- 
 bus aloud, *' say you are a lawyer, and ask the 
 widow whether she has any distant relations 
 anywhere; take notes of her answers, make 
 her fancy you are trying to find out the heir to 
 some property, and when your inventive facul- 
 ties are regularly stumped, tell her you see she 
 is not the person you are in search of, and 
 evaporate. We can meet at the * exhibition,' 
 if you please ; and like the people in the old 
 epics, tell one another our adventures." 
 
 '* Content," said Springdale. 
 
 '* Well, good bye — do not be longer than 
 five minutes on any account. By Yenus I 1 
 feel like Telemachus on his way to the grotto 
 of Calypso — talking of Telemachus reminds 
 me of Sidonia's stupid comparison between the
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 287 
 
 present King of the French, and the sage 
 Ulysses." 
 
 ** Both wise princes," said Springdale. 
 
 " True, but Ulysses had a wise son — I defy 
 anybody to shew me that phenomenon amongst 
 the offspring of Louis Philippe.^'
 
 288 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE NEXT STEP. 
 
 ^' Excuse my abruptness yesterday," said Om- 
 nibus, I saw a friend on the other side of the 
 road, whom I had not seen for years ; the last 
 time we met was on the tip top of Mount 
 Caucasus !" 
 
 ** Was it really, sir ?" said the fair pastry- 
 cook with an expression of interest. 
 
 " Yes, we were standing there in our great
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 289 
 
 lined with fur — it was indescribably cold, I 
 assure you — when we saw a something on the 
 top of an opposite crag. ' It is a man,' said 
 my friend. ' No, it is a tree,' said I. * Look 
 at his arms !' said he. * They are branches,' 
 said I. * I'll be cursed if they are !' said he. 
 In short, we had a very hot discussion ; which 
 ended in an angry quarrel, and the result was 
 that we determined upon separating ; my friend 
 went down one side of the mountain, and I 
 down the other." 
 
 *' Dea;: me ! how very shocking !" said the 
 widow, " and pray, sir, what was the thing you 
 quarrelled about after all ?" 
 
 ** A bear, ma'am — a grisly bear, standing on 
 its hind legs. It afterwards chased me for 
 nearly three miles, and would have doubtless 
 ultimately devoured me, if a lucky thought had 
 not suddenly entered my head." 
 
 " And what was that, sir ?" 
 
 " Why," responded the imaginative Omni- 
 
 VOL. I. O
 
 290 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 bus, '* I happened to have an HB. caricature 
 in my pocket, containing a very graphic, I may 
 say striking likeness of Mr. Sidonia, who, as 
 you are no doubt well aware, is of the purest 
 Caucasian breed. Well, I drew out the picture 
 and shewed it to the bear. Mr. Sidonia is — 
 as every body knows— a very barefaced per- 
 sonage. My pursuer recognised his brother of 
 the Caucasus, and immediately offered to 
 embrace him in the most friendly manner possi- 
 ble. I took this opportunity of cutting his 
 throat with my pen knife, after which, I am 
 happy to say, he politely refrained from giving 
 me any further molestation." 
 
 '* What a providential escape !" said the 
 pastry-cook. 
 
 " It was indeed — though I have evaded still 
 more imminent dangers. I was once very near 
 reading Lord William Lennox's, * Tufthunter;' 
 and on another occasion I was saved by the 
 illness of a relation from seeing the notorious
 
 ANTI-C0NING3BY. 291 
 
 Mr. Macready murder Hamlet. But to the 
 point, as the Venetian Bravo said when he 
 stillettoed the senator — you have apartments to 
 let?" 
 
 '* Yes, sir, a first floor furnished," replied the 
 confectioner, " should you like to see them at 
 once, sir ?" 
 
 *' Certainly," replied Omnibus, '* next to see- 
 ing your fair self, Mrs. Jones — " 
 
 " Mrs. Johns, if you please, sir," corrected 
 the widow. 
 
 " Next to seeing Mrs. Johns^^ resumed Wig- 
 gleton, ** Mrs. Johns's furnished apartments 
 excite my liveliest interest" 
 
 The widow thought Wiggle ton an exceed- 
 ingly lively gentleman, and proceeded to exhi- 
 bit her apartments. 
 
 " Have you any tenant at the present 
 moment in the rooms you are about to shew 
 me ?" enquired Omnibus as they ascended the 
 stairs. 
 
 o 3
 
 292 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 '* No tenant exactly," replied Mrs. Johns, 
 ** but there is a young lady, sir— poor thing, 
 she has been very unfortunate ! her father was 
 an Italian, and of a very good family, I have 
 heard. He had a large salary from a merchant 
 here, who carried on an immense trade with 
 Leghorn, and— " 
 
 " Well ?" encouraged Omnibus stopping on 
 a small landing half-way up the stairs leading 
 to the first floor, and evidently interested in the 
 communications of the pastry-cook. 
 
 '' Well, sir — I did hear he was a count in 
 his own country, or something of the kind — 
 however, he lived in a very nice house in R — 
 street — they say he left his own country on 
 account of some political cables." 
 "Political cabals?" 
 
 *' Yes, sir, he used to send here almost every 
 day for jellies and ices, and blanc-manges, and 
 spent, his whole time, when he was not at his 
 office in the city, in teaching his daughter
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 293 
 
 music and painting, and I don't know what all 
 Oh ! sir, such a dear young lady ! so pretty, 
 and so amiable ! Well, sir, he died suddenly, 
 confusion of blood to the head, I think the 
 doctor said — and it was found that he had left 
 his daughter totally unprovided for. Oh dear ! 
 what a terrible state she was in, I thought she 
 would have died too — for I happened to be 
 there the morning he died — they had lived so 
 retired that they had scarcely any acquaint- 
 ances, so Miss Vestalini (that was her name), 
 thought she might support herself by painting, 
 and after a time, as the old lady who used to 
 lodge here had just left me, and the young lady 
 was obliged to leave the house her father had 
 formerly lived in, I thought I might as well 
 let her have the apartments until I could get 
 another lodger. She paints nearly all day, and 
 sells them to the picture shops — they give her 
 a mere nothing for them, and even the trifle 
 they offer is often kept back, she tells me, for 
 many weeks."
 
 294 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 ; ' 
 
 mencing his ascent, " poor girl ! what a terrible 
 fate !" 
 
 The confectioner knocked at the door of the 
 room inhabited by the fair Italian, a gentle 
 voice said, '' come in," and Omnibus Wig- 
 gleton stood in the presence of the fair 
 Italian. 
 
 " I beg pardon for disturbing you, Miss," 
 said the widow, ^' will you permit this gentle- 
 man to look at the apartments ?" 
 
 La Signora bowed gracefully, and continued 
 her painting. The widow began to say some- 
 thing about the furniture, when a servant put 
 her head in, and said — 
 
 *^ Please, ma'am, there's a gent below wishes 
 to speak to you —he says as it is bisniss of the 
 very houtmost mportance.'^ 
 
 " Excuse me one moment, sir," said the 
 widow. 
 
 '* Pray do not mention it," said Omnibus,
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 295 
 
 and the pastry-cook left the room, slamming 
 the door to m the hastiness of her exit. 
 
 " Bravo, Springdale !" thought the adven- 
 turous Wiggleton, *' and now ' to be or not to 
 be, that is the question.' "
 
 296 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 AN ECCENTRIC PROPOSAL. 
 
 La Signora was in the first bloom of youth — 
 scarcely sixteen. Her figure was of the most 
 ilelicately beautiful proportions, her counte- 
 nance replete with sensibility, her dark eyes 
 flashed unutterable feelings, her complexion 
 was clear and dark, her hair and eyebrows black 
 as the raven's plume, and far more soft and 
 beautiful. 
 
 " These are very comfortable apartments," 
 said Wiggleton ice-breakingly. 
 
 " Very," replied La Signora raising her head,
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 297 
 
 and perceiving that the intruder, on her privacy, 
 was of a very gentlemanly aspect, and more- 
 over neither a ghoul, nor a Tartar in his out- 
 ward form and physionomical development. 
 
 '* This is an excellent room for painting," 
 he rejoined, '' and I may venture to express 
 an opinion on the subject, for I am an artist 
 myself." 
 
 '* Indeed ?" said the fair Italian, again rais- 
 ing her head, and making the discovery that 
 the stranger's eyes were peculiarly brilliant and 
 expressive, " do you paint historical pieces ?'^ 
 
 *' I am but a dilettante^'' replied Omnibus, 
 " but I have painted in almost every style; 
 though I must confess that I have chiefly suc- 
 ceeded in the comico-historical, or caricature 
 line ; but recently I have not had much time 
 for the prosecution of the art in my own 
 person." 
 
 '' What do you think of this year's exhibi- 
 tion?" said La Signora timidly, and not un- 
 moved by the respectful admiration expressed 
 o 5
 
 298 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 in every word, tone, and look of the handsome 
 stranger. There is perhaps no period of our 
 lives when the heart is so susceptible of sympa- 
 thy and — kindness, as that immediately fol- 
 lowing the loss of a near relation, protector, 
 and friend. Lucia Vestalini was eminently 
 formed for sympathy. During her father's 
 lifetime she had reposed in him the most perfect 
 and unrestrained confidence. She had been to 
 him his world, his idol, his only joy. Her in- 
 fantile caresses had soothed his exile, her 
 maturer society had consoled him for the loss 
 of friends and fortune, fatherland and station. 
 Her sole object had been to please her beloved 
 father, to anticipate his wishes and to obtain 
 his approbation. He died, and life appeared a 
 desert; death, she would have hailed as the 
 greatest of blessings. Luckily the more im- 
 mediate causes of subsistence did not permit her 
 to brood too unremittingly on her bereavement. 
 Still a fearful gap was left in her existence, 
 both physical and moral, and she felt most bit-
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 299 
 
 terly the want of something to love, to cherish 
 and confide in. There was a kindness, an ex- 
 pression of interest in the manner of the young 
 stranger, that touched her desolate heart She 
 had been deprived for months of the society of 
 persons, her equal in birth and education, and 
 her mind was overflowing with thoughts to 
 which she longed to give utterance. Surely 
 she may be excused for not repelling with 
 frigid Anglicism the advances of our eccentric 
 friend. 
 
 " To recur to her question, " what do you 
 think of this year's exhibition ?" 
 
 '' There is, I fear, a terrible deficiency in 
 sublime and beautiful conceptions," replied 
 Omnibus, " although perhaps this is rather the 
 fault of the public taste than of our own 
 artists, who are compelled in many instances to 
 become mere portrait painters in order to gain 
 a subsistence." 
 
 " Ah !" exclaimed the Italian with a slightly 
 foreign accent, " how dreadful it must be to
 
 300 
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 have to paint fat, ugly men, and coarse looking, 
 old women, with lap dogs and nosegays in their 
 hands. Oh ! I could never do it, never !" 
 
 " Nor need you ever descend to such un- 
 pleasant subjects, whilst you can compose 
 designs so full of beauty and talent as this 
 you are now engaged upon," rejoined Wig- 
 gleton gazing with unfeigned admiration 
 at a nearly finished painting of a sleeping 
 peasant girl, with a golden sky illumined by the 
 last rays of the setting sun as a background. " It 
 is very beautiful !" he continued, *' the clear 
 depth of those shades about the face and neck 
 I have never seen surpassed, and the sunshine 
 absolutely seems to warm one as one looks at 
 it !" 
 
 Lucia gazed upon Omnibus, her eyes flashing 
 with delight ; she very naturally compared his 
 frank and enthusiastic remarks with the cold, 
 calculating comments of the picture-dealers to 
 which she had recently been subjected. He
 
 ANTI-CONmCSBY. 301 
 
 saw the pleasure his discriminating praise had 
 given her, and continued quietly — 
 
 " I am a great admirer of the art, and flatter 
 myself that my " gallery" is not so poorly fur- 
 nished as it might be ; although I am ashamed 
 to say that I have nothing but the works of 
 new masters, and only copies of the older 
 schools. If you would not be offended by my 
 offering fifty guineas for this painting — I am 
 not rich or I would not mention so trifling a 
 sum." 
 
 '' No — no, sir ! it is too much !" replied the 
 astonished Italian, who had but the day before 
 disposed of a similar painting for less than a 
 tenth part of the amount. 
 
 " Not in the least," replied TTiggleton. 
 " Ah ! that is a beautiful painting 1" he sud- 
 denly exclaimed, fixing his eyes upon a portrait 
 in a massive frame that hung over the fireplace. 
 " What an exquisite likeness !" 
 
 " It was painted by my father a few months
 
 302 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 before he died," said Lucia, and the tears came 
 into her eyes as she spoke. 
 
 " Yes," exclaimed Omnibus, alternately 
 gazing at Lucia, and at the painting, " it is 
 indeed an admirable portrait — I would giye a 
 thousand pounds most willingly." 
 
 '' I cannot part with it, sir/' answered Lucia 
 sadly shaking her head. 
 
 *' Five thousand?" persisted Wiggleton. 
 
 '* No, sir, it is sacred to my father's memory, 
 I cannot part with it — and surely you jest when 
 you oiFer for it so enormous a sum." 
 
 " No, by Heavens !" replied Omnibus. 
 
 " I would give ten thousand guineas were 
 that picture mine !" 
 
 " It cannot be," said Lucia, regarding with 
 surprise her extraordinary visiter. 
 
 " Tes !" exclaimed Omnibus impetuously, 
 " there is one mode by which it may become 
 mine, even without your parting with it." 
 
 '' I do not see how— " began the beautiful 
 Italian.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 303 
 
 i 
 
 *' By your becoming my wife !" interrupted 
 Omnibus, and before she could offer the 
 slightest resistance, Lucia found herself clasped 
 in the arms of the stranger, and a passionate 
 kiss impressed upon her lips and forehead. 
 
 Another moment Omnibus was on his knees 
 at her feet. 
 
 *' Forgive me, divine Signora !" said he, 
 *' my passion got the better of my reason — I 
 love you— I have loved you — ever since yester- 
 day afternoon, when I first saw you at that 
 window. Do not reject me without considera- 
 tion — I am not it is true a man of the world, I 
 care not for its opinion, its forms, or its pre- 
 judices — but I worship the God of truth — and 
 as I live, will marry you to-morrow, if you will 
 but condescend to accept me !" 
 
 Lucia burst into tears. 
 
 ** Pardon me," resumed Omnibus, '* for 
 daring to use language so unceremonious to 
 one so far above me in rank." 
 
 " Lucia di Vestalini is a dependant on the
 
 304 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 charity of a poor confectioner," replied la 
 Signora bitterly but proudly. 
 
 " She is not on that account the less a 
 daughter of an Italian noble !" rejoined Wig- 
 gleton, '' but believe me I would cut my 
 tongue out with my own hand, rather than say 
 anything that could offend or hurt your feelings." 
 
 " Oh ! I believe you !" replied Lucia, '' I am 
 sure you did not intend to insult me !" 
 
 '' /insult you !'' exclaimed Omnibus, "no — 
 hear me swear—" 
 
 " Stay !" said Lucia, " you are not now 
 capable of calm reflection." 
 
 " I never am — " 
 
 " You may change your mind ?" • 
 
 *^ Never!" 
 
 '' Consider I am portionless — unknown." 
 
 *' The greater the necessity that you should 
 find a protector and — a husband. I love you — 
 I shall never cease to love you — give me 
 hope!" 
 
 ^ But how am I to know — ?"
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 305 
 
 " Stay ! give me permission to revisit you 
 to-morrow — I will explain my position — my 
 prospects." 
 
 At this moment the door opened and the 
 pastry-cook re-entered the room. 
 
 '* Farewell !" cried Omnibus, '' remember 
 to-morrow ?' and without waiting to hear the 
 apologies of the widow for keeping him waiting 
 so long, he hurried away. A minute afterwards 
 they saw him leap into his cabriolet, and dash 
 away at a furious pace in the direction of Hyde 
 Park. 
 
 '^ What is the matter, Miss ?" said the 
 widow. 
 
 " He wants to marry me," replied la Signora. 
 
 I wonder how it wiQ turn out, for by the 
 beards of my ancestors ! I know as little what 
 may happen in the next chapter but one of this 
 veritable history — as the reader.
 
 306 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 CHAPTEE VIII. 
 
 ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE. 
 
 Soon after the passing of the perpetuity bill 
 the ministry proceeded to metamorphose all the 
 ci devant members of the House of Commons 
 into peers, with the view of amalgamating both 
 houses, and thus simplifying the means of 
 legislation as much as possible. 
 
 Barons accordingly became the christian 
 members, barons ex officio, all the Jewish riff- 
 raff, who by means of unlimited bribery and 
 unparalleled corruption had obtained seats in
 
 ANTI-CONING8BY. 307 
 
 the bye-gone British senate. All the old lords 
 were advanced a step in the peerage, just '' to 
 draw the line," as Lord Wilton expressed it, 
 and prevent them from feeling their degrada- 
 tion too keenly. 
 
 The opposition in the mean time made very 
 furious speeches ; but the people were in favour 
 of change of every description, and were much 
 delighted with the public games and festivals 
 instituted in every county. Cock-fights, wrest- 
 ling matches, boxing, shooting at targets, hobby- 
 horses, grinning through horse-collars, &c., 
 were die order of the day. Bread and beef, 
 and beer, were everywhere distributed, (the 
 sinking fund paid the piper) music and singing 
 were heard at every inn. Dancing too there 
 was, and mummers, and perambulating theatres 
 and equestrian exhibitions. 
 
 The poor thought the golden age returned, 
 and in the folly of their hearts imagined that 
 these convivial jovialities were to last for ever.
 
 308 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 
 
 Rick-burning was discontinued, and fireworks 
 let off in their stead. Illuminations were pre- 
 valent in the towns, and — 
 
 BEN SIDONIA 
 In prodigious characters, and variegated lamps, 
 was to be read on every other house, whilst — 
 
 GYM CUSTOMS 
 In letters equally glittering and gigantic adorned 
 the front of every mechanics' institution, and 
 literary and scientific Spartan oeum throughout 
 the land. 
 
 Then the new nobles were so vastly con- 
 descending ; Lord Clerkenwell, Lord Holywell, 
 and Lord Minories, were always ready to pre- 
 side at public dinners, even where tickets were 
 to be purchased for what the elegant Mr. 
 Montague Tigg, alias, Tigg Montague, so 
 gracefully termed, '* the ridiculously small 
 amount of eighteen pence !" 
 
 The Jewish lords strove also to un-Jeio them- 
 selves as far as in them lay, by altering the 
 position of the letters forming their names.
 
 ANTI-CONINGSBY. 309 
 
 For instance, Levi, became Vile — Moses, 
 Mosse — D'lsraeli, Disreali, &c. 
 
 The ghost of Ovid roared with rage in 
 Tartarus, at seeing himself so out done by the 
 new generation, or as some call it the novel 
 generation, affirming that the tribe in question 
 have no existence worth speaking of, save in 
 historical romances, and romantic histories, 
 still more fanciful and improbable than the 
 former. 
 
 END OF BOOK IV. 
 AND VOL. I.
 
 Mr. NEWBTS NEW WORKS. 
 
 JUST PUBLISHED. 
 I. 
 
 MKS. GREY'S NEW NOVEL. 
 
 In 3 vols, post 8vo. 
 
 THE GAMBLE R'S WIFE. 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF 
 
 " The Young Prima Donna," " The Belle of the 
 Family," " The Old Dower House," &c. 
 
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 In 1 vol post 8vo. 
 ALGERIA— PAST AND PRESENT. 
 
 BY J. H. BLOFELD, ESQ. 
 
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 In 2 vols, post 8vo. 
 
 THE COURT-PARTIAL. 
 
 A Tale of Military Life in 18—.
 
 Mr. NEWBTS new WORKS. 
 
 IV. 
 
 In 3 vols, post 8vo. 
 IRELAND AND ITS RULERS SINCE 1829. 
 
 V. 
 
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 THE YOUNG WIDOW, 
 
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 In 3 vols, post 8vo. 
 THE BLIND MAN AND HIS GUIDE. 
 
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 THE GRANDFATHER 
 
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 AUTHOR OP 
 
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 VIII. 
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 EVENINGS OF A WORKING MAN. 
 
 By the late J. OVERS. With a Preface 
 BY CHAKLES DICKENS. 
 
 IX. 
 
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 TALES OF THE CAMP AND CABINET. 
 
 BY COLONEL TUCKER. 
 
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 EDITH LESLIE. 
 
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 With illustrations bj CRUIKSHANK. 
 
 CHRONICLES OF THE BASTILE.
 
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