L I B R.AFLY
OF THE
UNIVERSITY
or ILLI NOI5
/
CONFESSIONS
OF
AN OLD MAID.
'* Now, good sisters, you do me wrong, marry, do you, if you think I
would say aught to shock your self-love; trust me, I respect your delicacy
too much to be guilty of such misdoing."
OLD PLAY.
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. I.
LONDON :
HENRY COLBURN, NEW BURLINGTON STREET.
1828.
LONDON
PIUNT ED By S, AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET.
V "^ ^
C X3Zc
TO
LADY ,
oJ THESE CONFESSIONS
^ ARE INSCRIBED,
z
c
WITH SENTIMENTS OF THE SINCEREST REGARD,
BY THE AUTHOR.
CONFESSIONS
OF AN
OLD MAID.
BOOK THE FIRST.
THE OLD MAIDS SCHOOL FOR VANITY.
" C. Whom call you giddy ? A. She, whose years but speak
The folly of her actions. Like a moth
Pursuing vanity, the traitorous glare
That lures her on ; flutt'ring too near the verge
Of life's extremest boundary : reckless she
The while, her course, how justly it provokes
Gaze, gape, and jibe, and Reason's pitying sneer."
Old Play.
VOL. I. B
CONFESSIONS
OF AN
OLD MAID.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTORY. THE OLD MAID's FONDEST
REMINISCENCE.
Of the peculiar plan which my career
marks out for me to pursue in this memorial,
and the various circles of society in which it
will exhibit me, I shall proceed to make men-
tion by and by ; at present, my attention is
called to another subject.
No one ever yet heard of a heroine of any
work of entertainment, that was not in love :
but the exhibition of this tender feeling in a
heroine, situated .as I myself am, is ever looked
upon, by a most disrespectful world, as a bur-
lesque !
B 2
4 CONFESSIONS OF
The world, I say, is too apt to consider
the sentiment, or ' sentimentality,' of single la-
dies, who have, like myself, passed the first
verge of youth, as 77zocA:-sentimentaHty ! Just
as if a few years could quench the finer feel-
ings of human nature : — -just as if the soft emo-
tion of passion no longer glowed in our breasts :
or if it did^ must be ridiculous ! This is all
scandal; this is the malignity of an opprobri-
ous world. But, however much I may resent
it, I fear it will little avail me to endeavour to
escape it ; and, as I am bent upon revealing
every thing which the generality of my maiden
sisters must have felt themselves bound to con-
fess, had they entered upon a work of this na-
ture ; and since, as a heroine, I must represent
myself in love, — which is (need I blush to con-
fess it ?) the truth, — if I am to have the credit,
whether I will or no, of moc/:-sentimentality, it
will be in vain for me to attempt to disguise it
by any seriousness of tone. No ! My language,
therefore, shall correspond with that character
which the world attributes to my sentiment. If
I must exhibit myself, in this particular at
AN OLD MAID. 5
least, in the light of a burlesque, I will show
the world that I am willing to humour it, while
I defy it, in the adoption of a language con-
sistent with this effect, whenever I touch upon
the tenderest of subjects.^ It is not my inten-
tion, however, to liarass my feelings (« sigJi)
more than I can help, " by the sweet agitation
this delicate topic induces.*'''
w ^ ^ y^ y^ ^ ^
It was the smiling season of seventeen. I
sat by the window apart from my sisters, si-
lent and sorrowful, thinking of the separation
that was to take place between my lover and
myself. Some one was admitted into the house.
I heard a footstep on the staircase ; a tall noble-
looking youth entered the room : — it was Al-
bert — it was my lover. He was come to bid
me the last farewell, previously to entering
upon his departure for a distant clime. Our
interview was bitter; our parting was heart-
rending : ere he went, he left me his portrait, in
* On such occasions, my reader may perhaps be amused, by
imagining my tone of voice and air in speaking.
6 CONFESSIONS OF
return for my own miniature. The anniver-
sary of that cruel day (I have not courage
to say, directly, howmany years ago it dawned)
has ever been kept sacred by me with tender-
ness and regret. Yes, dear youth ! the anni-
versary of his departure is arrived this day;
and be it ever cherished in the remembrance of
his fond Clorinda !
Ever since the departure of my Albert, — the
date of which will be understood presently, —
has his portrait hung up in my chamber ^ — my
bed-chamber ; and on every recurring season of
his departure, I take it down and look at it,
and call to mind the hours of our early attach-
ment ; while I gently upbraid its absent ori-
ginal, for the long silence that he has forced
me to endure.
'' Eugenie, bring me the miniature that
hangs on the right-hand side of the mantel-
piece in my room."
" What, Mr. Conroy's, Miss Mirabelle ?"
" Yes, child, you knov) which I mean — -fetch
it ; whilst I dry my eyes. Why is he absent
from me so long ? Can he have proved false ?
AN OLD MAID. 7
he for whom I have thus preserved myself
single, and amidst so many temptations to ma-
trimony ? Must I deem him perfidious ? Sleep,
unworthy suspicion ! Sleep ! and let no such
fears cause a moment's unhappiness to this
tenderly fluttering bosom."
I had scarcely received the portrait from
Eugenie's hand, when a carriage came rattling
up to the door. The loud double rap thunder-
ed so suddenly in my ears, that I let the por-
trait drop from my hand in my agitation.
Eugenie had but just picked it up and ma-
naged to conceal it, before Lady Katharine
Ratlington was announced. If any one else
but Lady Katharine had paid me a visit, I
should have been sadly overcome ; but the
sight of her relieved me — she is an intimate
acquaintance and old friend of mine, and it is
with feelings of the warmest regard that I men-
tion her name. I need hardly observe that the
appellation I have assigned her, is not her real
name, but one which I make use of with suffi-
cient propriety, as indicating her pecuhar cha-
racter. She is lively, energetic, always in good
8 CONFESSIONS OF
spirits, and though always active, not in the least
bustling. She indulges at times in ridicule, and
talks a good deal : these are her peculiarities —
almost all people have their peculiarities, more
or less ; her's are so harmless that it is impossi-
ble for any one to be offended with them. They
are far outbalanced by the good sense, clever-
ness, amiability and wit, that is ever beaming
through them. A complete congeniality of
habits, tastes, dispositions, and perhaps whims,
has knit our souls so closely together, that ^I
may almost say, we live but for one another,
and possess things in common. We go out to
parties together, and whoever knows Lady Ka-
tharine Ratlington, must also be acquainted
with Miss Clorinda Mirabelle. The house of
one is scarcely less the house of the other ; and
the day is alternately spent by me at Lady
Kate's, and by her at Miss Mirabelle's. If
there is any difference between us, it is, that
she is not so romantic as myself, and that, I sup-
pose, makes all the difference. We are both
considered by the world as " characters ;'' and
by some are even designated " originals." With
AN OLD MAID.
respect to that amiable weakness of mine, which
the opening of this chapter exhibits, she is the
friend that lets me understand the disrespectful
opinions which the world entertains concern-
ing it.
" Why, my dear Clorinda," said Lady Kate,
on entering the room, " what is the matter with
you to-day ? You seem all in confusion.**'
I was ashamed to declare what was my occu-
pation when she stopped at the door, for she
is terribly satiric, though good-humouredly so.
I therefore replied, " that I had a head-ache
that morning, from having slept badly the night
before, and that the noise of the carriage had
startled me.''
'* Well !" she replied, " you will be more com-
posed after we have been out a short time ; so
pray go and get ready, that we may have our
drive while the day is fine."
I did as Lady Kate desired me, but felt no
inclination to become cheerful so quickly as she
seemed to expect. As soon as we were seated
in the carriage, my lively friend began by ur-
ging me to lay aside my dejection. " It is a very
10 CONFESSIONS OF
poor compliment to me," she said, " to be so
dull in my societ}^ ; do, for Heaven's sake, be a
little more cheerful."
" My dear Kate," I replied with an involun-
tary sigh, " you know there is no human being
who is generally more lively than myself ; or, if
I were not inclined to be so, there is no society
that could rouse me into cheerfulness so readily
as your own — but now and then, these fits of de-
pression cannot easily be overcome; and you
must make allowances for the circumstances of
the day."
" Goodness ! the day," said Kate, much
amused; " how can you persist in thinking
about a person, who has forgotten you long
before this time, you may be sure."
" Forgotten ! No such thing !^ Never try to
persuade me that Albert Conroy, — he who was
the friend and constant companion of my child-
hood, could ever forget the love he once felt,
and vowed, for me. I live in confidence yet, of
* " Si c'est une illusion, rien ne peut plus me Tarracher,
et je la nourrirai jusqu'a tombeau," says Mde. de Simraeren,
in a similar feeling, in Mde. Cottin's " Amelie de Mans-
field."— Ed.
AN OLD MAID. 11
his return. Forgotten me ! — Not through twice
the number of years that have elapsed since
I saw him !"
" Well, well," said Kate, still smihng, with
a cruel incredulity, '* I will not tease you any
more, but let me persuade you, if you will
not be lively now, to be lively this evening,
by which time I should hope your depres-
sion will have had time to evaporate."
" Lively this evening? what, do you wish
me to accompany you any where ?"
" Yes, certainly, we are both of us going
to Lady Charlotte Rossignol's concert this
evening."
" Not I, indeed Kate, I assure you ; I have
sent to excuse myself. I could never consent
to impose such a constraint on my feelings, as
to go out when I am in this nervous condition."
" How you amuse me, my dear Clorinda ;
it is really ridiculous to hear you talk in this
languishing style. Well, if you will not come
out to-night^ I hope you will be well enough
to go to that silly woman's ball, — I mean
Lady Canterly's, — next Thursday se'nnight."
1^ CONFESSIONS OF
** I shall be happy to go any where next
Thursday week — only, this day, I have a scru-
ple of conscience in keeping sacred : when it is
passed, I shall be myself again. A melancholy
break of this sort is agreeable now and then in
the midst of more thoughtless avocations."
" Then, what do you intend doing with
yourself this evening ?"
" Staying at home. Perhaps my old brother
will come and sit with me."
" Oh, how is the old gentleman ? — is he as
misanthropic and whimsical as ever .f*"
''Just the same ; he does not favour even
me with his company very often.*"
" Have you shown him those stanzas which
we amused ourselves with making in his praise,
the other day ?""
" What the new addition to our Album,
' Cupid's Physician ?'* No, I intend letting
him hear the stanzas this evening."
" Be assured he will never listen to them
with good humour."
* Sec Confessions of an Old Bachelor, book viii. ch. 7,
p. 359.
AN OLD MAID. 13
So, indeed, did it turn out ; even as Lady
Kate had just said, and as I shall show by and
by : at present I shall observe, that my friend
and myself occupied the time in taking
a drive, with a view to dispel the vapours
that besieged me, — but to no purpose ; my
constant bosom cherished the subject of its
depression too truly to admit of being relieved
of it so easily. After our drive was over,
and myself landed at my own house, I bade
my friend good-bye for that day, and contented
myself with the prospect of a quiet evening.
Whenever I had no other companion, T used to
make Eugenie, the young person above mention-
ed, (in whose welfare I had taken considerable
interest,) supply the place of one. She acted,
indeed, to a certain extent, in the capacity of
an attendant, but I treated her quite as a con-
fidante. Her real name was not that which I
have given her, but Lady Kate had taken it
into her head to christen her by it, because the
girl was like a French lady she had known,
whose name was Eugenie. She had been re-
commended to me as an object of charity when
14 CONFESSIONS OF
a child, not much above seven years old ; I
found her destitute and an orphan. Her
father had been in the army, and had died
in service, and her mother had lately fallen
a victim to a severe illness. I took the child
under my protection, and educated her ; and
was pleased to find that she showed herself
very clever and affectionate. On the morning
in question, recollecting the suggestion of
Lady Kate, I took it into my head to make
her sing the above-mentioned song, which in
our jocose moments we had made at the ex-
pense of that morose Old Bachelor, my brother.
In this innocent pasquinading, we shall here-
after perhaps be seen indulging to a little
wider extent.
The effect was as my friend had prognosti-
cated, though I never expected that the old gen-
tleman would have flown into such a passion
as he did. How angry he was, he has himself
sufficiently declared in his "Confessions;" so
I shall say no more about the matter. Since
that period he has never once come near me ;
and it was from that time that I began the
AN OLD MAID. l5
history of myself, my age being then about
seven-and-forty ; now, that I am subsequent/^/
prefixing this introduction to it, I have added
seven years to that amount. The reasons that
urged me to undertake it, and how they are
connected with the circumstances of disagree-
ment between my brother and myself, I shall
proceed to explain immediately. Meanwhile,
the period at which this disagreement took
place, was the evening of that very day, in
which I indulged in the fond reminiscence
with which my Chapter opens.
16
CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER II.
INTRODUCTORY STILL. THE OLD MAID IN A
TANTARUM.
From various bints^ which from time to
time my old brother bad thrown out, I was
aware that he would one day publish some
work concerning his life ; and I bad a suspi-
cion that if ever he did so, he would take
the opportunity of finding fault in it with my-
self; since be frequently used to upbraid
me with vanity, and a certain "friskiness that
did not become my years,"*' to use his own
rude language. Impressed with such suspi-
cions as these, I determined not to be behind-
hand in opposing him, in such a manner as
I shall by and by explain, whenever he should
exasperate me, by the attack I expected from
AN OLD MAID, 17
him. With this view, from the very moment
of our disagreement I set about writing my
own " Confessions."
Previously, however, to entering upon them,
I must pause for a moment, to describe the
indignation which I feel, while beholding his
uncomplimentary volume in my hand. Yes, Sir,
you are detected ! it cannot escape me that none
but yourself has been penning this reflection
upon me ! you have been guilty, have you, of
describing me as old and decrepid ? Most un-
warrantable calumny ! you have actually the
presumption to say that I am withered and
infirai ! Suppose I were ever so old, ever
so infirm and withered, what licence have you,
pray, to thrust all these particulars before the
public ? Oh, heavens ! I scarcely know how
to contain myself!
But it is too obvious that jealousy and envy
have actuated you in speaking thus of me. —
Yes, jealousy and envy. You know you were
ever jealous of the admiration, (I may say so)
in which society held me. You know, though
I dare say you will not admit it, uncandid and
18
CONFESSIONS OF
ungenerous as you are, that you were always
envious of my sociable qualities, my universal
amiability and cheerfulness of disposition.
Morose, unaffable man ! why, is it not un-
warrantable and audacious .... but I wish to be
calm, though the provocation I have received
is sufficient to disturb even a gentler and more
reasonable spirit than my own. Yes, Sir ! I
wish, I say, to be calm, though my indignation
has had too just a cause for its excitement.
Indignation, did I say ? — rather let indignation
sleep, and be my contempt, Sir, awakened in
its stead.
Yes, be such the desert of one so unworthy.
I disregard your reflections on me, whether
past or present, whether personal or moral :
and as to the last, I shall prove to you my
disregard for them, by the exposure of all
those foibles to which they have related. Do
not think to deter me from this intention, by
suggesting ' that I shall be entering on a bur-
lesque of myself; and that the exposure will be
at my own expense.' I do not view the matter
in that light. I am not unwilling to avow any
AN OLD MAID. 19
peculiarities whatever, of which I may be pos-
sessed. Why, indeed, should I shrink from ac-
knowledging that, which the world has already
witnessed in me so long ?
But to turn from you, to the reader ; to quit
my character of a calumniated female, and to
assume that of the Old Maid.
The general idea that the world seems to
entertain of all our sex that come under this
denomination, is, that they are either stiff,
prim, and crabbed : or meddling, curious, and
inquisitive; uncouth in their general appearance,
repelling in their physiognomy, and grotesque
in their dress. Is not this, however, a limited
— is it not but a vulgar idea of the character ?
Assuredly so ! It belongs but to a confined
observation.
It is my intention, then, to endeavour to do my
subject the entire justice it demands ; and first of
all, in the exposure of those vanities,* with which
I have represented myself as being taunted, to
follow the Old Maid over other ground than
that on which she seems generally to be sta-
* B. I.
20 CONFESSIONS OF
tioned. In doing so, it has been my object to
select such situations as exhibit my peculiar
traits of character in their strongest light. As,
however, I have become acquainted with a va-
riety of scenes in the vicissitudes of my history,
I shall subsequently proceed to exhibit her in
that shape in which the ordinar}^ notion seems
best inclined to recognize her.*
The character of romance which was given
me by nature, will be traced more or less
throughout my pages, and will perhaps be par-
ticularly developed in some portion or other
of my work, exclusively devoted to it.-[-
To explain the natural stages by which I
pass from one scene to the other of all that I
describe, I prefix to each book an introduction ;
which serves as a link by which the different
divisions of my work are held in amicable con-
federacy together.
With respect to the date of events
* B. III. " Old Maid in a Country Village :" and B. IV.
** Old Maid in a Country Town."
f B. II. " Old Maid's Romance," containing her early
career up to the period at which she commences '*01d Maid;'*
with all matters conducing to that result.
AN OLD MAID. 21
through which I invite the reader to accompany
me, I shall mention that they are, generally
speaking, described at the time at which they
take place. And if I can safely vouch, with
respect to a great proportion of them, that they
are not merely imaginary, but actual records
of existing particulars, I hope their authority
may not be a cause of any diminution of their
interest.
If any apology can be required for my speak-
ing thus of myself, I must appeal to the na-
ture of the work on which I am engaged ;
for it is scarcely necessary for me to observe,
that in all ' Confessions,' the point of interest
rests in the fullest exhibition of every thing
that belongs to that character, which consti-
tutes their subject ; independently, of course,
of other sources of effect.
But to return for a moment to the opprobrious
origin of all this — my self-exposure. I recollect
now, Sir, that besides the insinuations you used
to make as to my habits of life, you actually,
in the excess of your characteristic moroseness,
suggested that I was an " Old Maid/' to my
22 CONFESSIONS OF
face ! This you said on the evening on which
you thought proper to be offended with me.
If I was angry then^ at your saying so, I now
tell you, tliat I glory in the title, for reasons
which I may hereafter disclose ; at present it is
not my intention to enter into any of those re-
flections which the condition of my peculiar
character may at some future season suggest.
You also, in that unhandsome volume of yours,
give the world to know that I am a snuff-taker !
Here again you manifest yourself a traducer !
Do you suppose I could ever consent to pol-
lute myself with a custom so disagreeable ? —
as any old village school-mistress, or washerwo-
man might ? Do you suppose I should ever
subject myself to such an inconvenience, when
I can procure smelling-salts, or any other sti-
mulant, for the mere trouble of sending to my
perfumer's ? Not, if you were to present me
with the choicest specimen of all that it is your
daily delight to consume, in a box of the work-
manship of Benvenuto Cellini himself, would I
be bribed into a habit so repugnant to me.
And it is thus, you have had the heart to
AN OLD MAID. 28
calumniate a sister ? Unfeeling and unkind !
she may surely be pardoned for any harsh ex-
pression which she has been urged to indulge
in against you. But no more must I delay —
let me proceed to the testimony of my disre-
gard for your comments on me. Now, Sir,
carry your recollection back to the period at
which you were pleased to animadvert on my
vanities. Now for that exposure which will
doubtlessly excite your dissatisfaction ; and will
make you repent your interference, though to
me it is a source of amusement. Yes ! now
for those " Confessions," which shall outshine
your own, as the evening-star gleams conspi-
cuous above the surrounding galaxy !
24 CONFESSIONS O?
CHAPTER III.
THE TEMPLE OF VESTA.
To commence with the exhibition of that
trait, which is by myself considered so much
naivete; though I have candour enough to
allow, that by others it might, perhaps, be
called affectation : and if so, the imputation
may well be shared by more than one of my
fair cotemporaries, whom I could mention.
At No. — Street, Grosvenor-Square,
dwells Miss Clorinda Mirabelle, the subject of
these memoirs, rather tall than short in person ;
rather dark than fair in complexion — that is,
not a light beauty ; of an engaging coun-
tenance, and w4th dark blue eyes. The pro-
gress of her interesting day shall be traced
from its earliest dawn to its conclusion ; and
AN OLD MAID. 25
with that view let the reader, (scandal apart,)
be indulged with an introduction into that
temple sacred to Vesta — her bed-room. Some
people might, perhaps, express prudish ob-
jections to introductions of this nature ; espe-
cially as Miss Mirabelle is now and then ac-
cused of encouraging flirtation, but she begs
leave to say, that she treats all such insinua-
tions with ineffable disdain ; and if any excuse
is required of her for acting as she does, she
shall give no other, than that " she is perfectly
satisfied with what she is about ;" — the only
excuse a lady ever considers herself bound to
give for any thing. She feels fully convinced
that she is entering upon her subject at its
legitimate source. However, there need be
little foundation for any idle insinuations,
since the reader may just as well be a lady as
a gentleman.
But to speak of myself in my own proper
person, I dare say, whether lady or gentleman,
my reader has often seen — (and of course
admired, if possessed of any taste,) a repre-
sentation of a lady's dressing room by Jan
VOL. I. c
26 CONFESSIONS OF
Steen, or some such similar Dutch artist. The
studied delicacy of touch will be remembered —
the minuteness and nicety of drawing, the bed
curtains — the pattern of the carpet — the dress-
ing table — the toilette — all presenting them-
selves as bright in colouring as they are faith-
ful in delineation : such, shall it be my en-
deavour to present the description of my own
chamber.'^ To exhibit myself then in the morn-
ing, just awakening — like Aurora shall I say ?
Not exactly. In youth it was another thing,
but now 1 am apprehensive that I might pos-
sibly be contemplated by some as not quite so
agreeable an object, just emerging from my
'* downy couch." But I can hardly agree with
these persons, since I think that if amusement —
(it might possibly be, admiration) — is agreeable,
my figure in dishabille would afford it amply.
I cannot bear to see myself in the glass look-
ing pale, or even to fancy that I look so : so
the moment that I get out of bed, I hurry to
the dressing-table, and gently dabbing my
* Miss Mirabelle, it seems, is pursuing in prose, the prin-
ciple " ut pictura, poesis." — Ed.
AN OLD MAID. 27
finger in the pot of rouge paste, am soon en-
abled to congratulate myself on a sufficient
colour. Although I do not look at the glass
very much, after I have put it on, yet the idea
I have of my own becomingness is pleasing
and consolatory. I can now approach break-
fast with a tranquillity which would in vain
have been sought for did I not fancy myself
in good looks.
Conceive me, now, with an elegant negligence
leaning back in a soft-cushioned large arm-chair,
covered with green velvet, my feet resting on
a foot- stool of the same material — my appear-
ance, really not altogether unlike that of an
Eastern princess. Does this savour of affec-
tation .P Dryden's " sitting picture" of " the
lovely Thais" represents her " as like a bloom
ing Eastern bride" — why not the lovely Mi-
rabelle ? On a little rose- wood table by my side,
stands the breakfast, consisting of a capaciously-
sized cup of chocolate, invitingly frothing, and
flavoured with vanilla, and a small loaf of brown
bread. No chocolate pot burthens the tray;
which, by the by, is a very pretty red-japan
c 2
28 CONFESSIONS OF
one, decorated with the gilded figures of two
Chinese belles, sitting under a verandah, and
feeding a mackaw.
This, my morning^s repast, Eugenie brings
nie at uncertain periods, somewhere between
ten and twelve. I am some little time getting
through it ; for I am fond of employing this
interval in contemplating either present or past
subjects — either projects of to-day, or the scenes
of days gone by. It is, indeed, almost the only
time at which people are free from all moles-
tation, either from friends or strangers. We feel
happy in the confidence that no one can dis-
turb us ; our acquaintance being no less happy
than ourselves in the enjoyment of seclusion,
and temporary freedom from interruption: —
as glad to leave us to ourselves, as we are to be
excused seeing them.
Young maids, in their moments of seclusion —
at their toilette— during a solitary l)reakfast —
think of their lovers. Their inspiring charms,
of which they are justly conscious, can lead
them to dream of no other subject : the bright
visions of matrimony glitter before their view ;
AN OLD MAID. 29
and they issue forth from their toilette with a
vivacity and self-satisfaction that imparts addi-
tional lustre to their beauty. And is the old
maid to be denied her reflections on the same
universally alluring subject ? I fancy I perceive
a smile on the countenance of my readers — by
all means let them indulge in it : I am an amia-
ble, good-tempered creature, and am willing
that they should amuse themselves, though it
were even at my own expense. I will, then,
confess to them, that a spirit of romance cer-
tainly does pervade my morning''s reflections. I
will confess that a share of my reveries during
breakfast is dedicated to the soothing or tor-
turing subject, as it may happen, that engrosses
the solitary hours of " maids.""
If I were not naturally inclined towards a
little romance, I should almost be forced into
something like it, by the mementos which the
walls of my room present. There, over the
mantelpiece, hang no less than twenty minia-
ture portraits of various swains who have been
at one time my lovers — all in the old fashion,
all enamelled, and some frightful. Some few,
30 CONFESSIONS OF
indeed, amongst them are really handsome, and
others, if not handsome, at least decent-looking
enough. At the head of the whole set, stands
a coxcomb of a Colonel, in a red coat, with a
yellow collar ; his hair powdered, and with a
pigtail. The rest exhibit the features of various
noble and gentle gallants, who have, at different
times, acknowledged the power of beauty, in de-
spair at my feet. To some of these I vouchsafe
a sigh — at others I laugh — according as their
deserts and appearance may recommend them
to me. Neither the sigh nor the laugh, how-
ever, interfere with each other, which is no less
fortunate than agreeable.
I have often thought of setting down these
amatory musings on paper, and in genuine
romance style : perhaps I may still do so, and
enrol them in this work, but certainly not at
this stage of it. It cannot now be matter of
surprise, that with these compliments to my
early witchery still smiling on me — with these
monuments of my youthful fascination ever
looking me in the face, — I am romantically
inclined. They bring the hour of youth before
AN OLD MAID, 31
me, and the sweet moments when my bosom
was first made acquainted with the cherished
emotions of love. Though I should disregard
the semblances of these my admirers, yet would
they still admonish me of the magic my charms
once possessed And do I not disregard
them, when my eye glances from their's upon
thine own semblance, my Albert ? And am I
not then taught that I once had beauty which
could inspire adoration ? My readers, then,
must surely make allowance for my being ro-
mantic. I wish they could but witness the
attitude in which these reveries are conducted :
they would not consider it in the light of bur-
lesque, I am certain. Oh, no ! — Conceive the
arm leaning on the table by my side, the head
reclining on the hand, the eyes tenderly up-
lifted !
I have forgotten all this time to describe my
appearance in dishabille : to make my picture
complete, I must supply this. To say nothing
of the becomingness of the frill and furbelow*
* This is a mode of ladies on the Continent. It consists, of
course, of yalenciennes lace.
32 CONFESSIONS OF
of my robe de nuit, (I like to be becoming, how-
ever little I may have proceeded with dressing)
my dressing-gown is of India dimity, with a
border of fine cambric ; and when the weather
is at all cold I also throw a red Indian shawl
over my shoulders. My cap, with its wide
lace border, is also agreeably becoming. After
having drawn on a pair of pink silk stock-
ings, I slip my feet into my red morocco
slippers. Opposite me, at the other side of the
room, is a large looking-glass, which reflects
my whole form, shows me my elegant attitude,
and really satisfies me so much with myself,
that I have now and then had the weakness
to delay dressing, for the sake of bestowing
another glance or two upon its surface.
My chocolate being now sipped up, and my
reverie exhausted, I approach the dressing-
table, and after yawning interesting}}^ before
the looking-glass, I take off my night-cap ;
and after that, a small cap fitting more closely
to my head, which I call my '•' essence-cap."
My readers are no doubt curious to learn what
I mean by my essence-cap; I will tell them.
AN OLD MAID. 33
Having still a fine head of hair, I am loth to
shave it all off, and have resort to borrowed
tresses, merely because Time has sprinkled its
dark hues with his envious snows ; thereby
rendering it what is called grizzled. So I re-
medy the inconvenience thus. I endeavour to
restore those dark hues in some measure to
their pristine beauty, by the application of a
certain black, or rather a purpleish wash or
fluid ; a sort that is pronounced by Eugenie,
as the most effectual for my purpose. * In
order, therefore, to avoid dyeing my pillow
when I go to bed, I am obliged to wear a
black-silk cap, fitting close to my head, some-
what on the model of the official " scull-cap"
that we see in old paintings. And this is what
I call my " essence-cap."
An opportunity will hereafter be afforded
me, of describing with more advantage the
effects of this essence upon my appearance.
At present I shall merely remark, in case
there are any who may smile at the expedient,
* Delcroix's ' poudre unique' was of course not yet intro-
duced.
34 CONFESSIONS OF
that I consider it my duty, and the duty of
us all, to render our appearance as becom-
ing as we can. Really, with my light figure,
juvenility of air and carriage, it would be a sad
pity to wear locks, not my own — to make an
old woman of myself. Envious persons may
suggest that I am an old woman already made :
let them carp as much as they will, I heed
them not, and continue my naive Confessions
with undisturbed composure.
It still is, and always has been a maxim
with me, that we ought to enjoy life and limb
as long as it is in our power : that we should
cheat old age of its decrepitude, if possible —
smooth away, if we can, its wrinkles, and
disguise its withered and frosty appearance.
Upon this principle, I employ other petty ar-
tifices, besides that of darkening my hair, to
give my appearance an eclat, and to make my
glass put me in mind of my younger days :
nor is the reward a slight one which I receive
for my pains in dressing ; I have not only the
pleasure of self -approval, but not unfrequently
overhear myself called by persons of taste, " la
AN OLD MAID. 35
belle Mirahelle?'' A long bill which lies half
opened by my pincushion (it is from my per-
fumer) for a certain pleasantly smelling white
lotion, and perhaps other cosmetics, will speak
how much I do for the beautifying of my
complexion. The first of these aftbrds me con-
siderable assistance in the laudable object of
making my skin whiter and more brilliant
than it might otherwise be. And is it not a
laudable object to endeavour to please the
male portion of my acquaintance, while I gra-
tify my own innocent little vanities ? Not all
the rows of bottles that crowd the counters
of Gattie and Pierce, or Rigge, or Smytlie,
can, proportionally speaking, vie with the pha-
lanx of essences and myrrhs, scents, rouges,
pomatums, medicines, cordials, restoratives,
sedatives, that decorate my dressing-table.
There they stand, in pretty japanned trays,
ranged in all their varied hues of blue, yellow,
white, brown, red, green, violet, orange, —
round the looking-glass : there they stand, the
phials, — odoriferous with salt of lemons, aro-
matic vinegar, eau de Cologne, camphorated
36 CONFESSIONS OF
spirits, tincture of myrrh, orange-flower water,
Hungary water, rose water, elder-flower water,
cordial drops, sal-volatile, lotions without end,
drops for the face-ache, drops for the ear-ache,
drops for the tooth-ache, drops for the heart-
ache, — the heart-burn, I ought to say ; —
salts of all descriptions, various essences, me-
dicinal-lozenges of all shapes, sizes, and co-
lours, — black and blue, brown and yellow,
white and red. Some ladies, I know, prefer
keeping things of this sort in a closet out of
the way, or casing them up in a chest for the
purpose, but it is my pleasure to see all these
conundrums before me, doing duty under my
looking glass.* A lordly mirror is it! of the
old fashion, (of which I am fond, from recol-
lections of my childhood,) of an oval shape,
of portentous dimensions, and with a broad
carved and gilt frame : — it is my favourite
piece of furniture. The handles of the draw-
ers are of ivory, with gilt borderings, and its
top is surmounted by two Cupids — fit emblems
of the topic of my morning*s contemplations.
* Besides, tlie display suits my picture here. — C. M.
AN OLD MAID. 37
As for the furniture of my room, it is plain,
pretty, and neat : the bed-curtains are blue out-
side, and lined with pink within. Pink is, on
the whole, my favourite colour. It is needless
to enter into a description of the rest of the
furniture : no one can ever be so inquisitive as
to require it ; it must be taken for granted
that it is in good taste ; how should it be
otherwise, when "la belle Mirabelle" had the
arrangement of it ? It will be sufficient to say,
it is in excellent keeping with that of the bed.
And now I must beg my friend, the reader, to
walk out of the room till I have completed dress-
ing ; he or she must be turned out together
with my little black and white spaniel, who
waits patiently, and sometimes impatiently, till
his mistress makes her appearance on the stair-
case.
So long does the operation of dressing take
me, that, commencing it late as I do, by the
time it is over the day is very far advanced. It
is, in fact, sometimes so late, that I come down
into the drawing-room ready dressed to go out ;
generally expecting Lady Kate to call for me.
SS CONFESSIONS OF
ill order that we may go out for a drive together.
This she almost always does when the weather
permits. If she fails to come, I order my own
carriage, and call upon her. To-day, however,
I have no occasion to do so, as I perceive she is
now at the door : I shall proceed to wish her
good morning in the next chapter.
AiS OLD MAID. 39
CHAPTER IV.
A MORNING CALL.
" Well, Clorinda,'*' said my friend, our
mutual salutations having been made, " how
are we to fill up the day ? We were talk-
ing last night of driving out to look at the
plants at Loddige*'s. (Lady Kate's conserva-
tory is supplied from his green-houses.)
" Oh ! do not let us go to Loddige's to-day,
Kate,'^ I replied ; " we must pay Mrs. Crone
the visit we owe her."
'' Very well, then, let us do so ; it will really
be a good thing over."
" Yes, I am always glad to have discharged
myself of the debt of any visit to her ; she is
such an extremely strange being, that one is
indeed not sorry to have absolved one's self of
any engagement due to her.*"
40 CONFESSIONS OF
The servant had no sooner closed the car-
riage-door, than we continued in the indulgence
of our satiric spirit, on the subject of Mrs. Crone.
" How did you like that yellow silk gown she
wore the other night at Mrs. S.''s ? was it not
frightful r
" Frightful ! I never saw such a figure ;
and with that stiff carriage of hers ! her neck
and back as upright as if she were standing in
the stocks, holding the backboard behind her."
" And then that curious-looking creature, her
husband, the Colonel ! Gracious ; what a pair !"
" With that sad awkward gait of his, and his
nose so awry, and flaming red-beard !"** rejoined
I, unable to restrain my amusement.
'' At any rate," said Lady Kate, " he is hand-
some enough for her : j/ou should not be severe
upon him, surely, if he was once an admirer of
yours," added she, smiling.
" It has always enraged me to think of the
assurance of the coxcomb. But I wonder how
they have agreed since their marriage; two
such oddly dispositioned beings."
Here the conversation was interrupted, the
i
AN OLD MAID. 41
carriage having brought us to Mrs. Crone's
door. And it is requisite that I should state,
to the surprise, perhaps, of my readers, that
this Mrs. Crone was my cousin. I think I may
well be pardoned for the poor compliments I
have been paying, or may hereafter pay her,
since she ever regarded me with dislike ; being
jealous of qualities in me, which slie did not
herself possess, both mental and personal. So
few agreeable qualities, indeed, had she, of any
sort, that had it not been for her money, she
must inevitably have remained in the same
single condition as myself; with this difference,
that she would have been an old maid of the
most inveterate and ascetic description. The
person who at length wedded her, had been re-
jected by her above once ; as she used to flatter
herself with the hope of a more advanta-
geous offer. It was fortunate they at length
linked their destinies together, for neither the
lady nor the gentleman were fitted for any
other connexion than that which they made.
If it is true, as Lady Kate observed, that the
Colonel had once the impertinence to declare his
42 CONFESSIONS OF
admiration for me, the romance, which I con-
template, will disclose the whole circumstances,
and an opportunity will there be given of say-
ing somewhat more of my amiable cousin.
As we entered the drawing-room, Mrs. Crone
was primly seated on an ottoman of red damask.
She rose to receive us, with a most forbiddingly
stiff air, her arms folded one over the other.
With a voice as grating as her aspect was
harsh, did she greet us, while she went through
the form of pressing our fingers within her own,
of which she scarcely bent one single joint.
Mrs. Crone had ever been a vast prude ; the
cause of this must have been a spirit of envy,
which had made her carp at the attentions
shown to other fair ones, in preference to her-
self. Above all the rest of her female acquain-
tance, had her prudery found cause of offence
in me. She had ever looked upon my liveli-
ness as " most improper conduct," and still did
she seem impressed with that charitable idea.
I have forgotten to mention, that her hair was
— not the most red ; — her complexion, not the
most sallow ; — her eyes, not the very greenest,
AN OLD MAID. 43
— and her nose — not the least broad. The
Colonel was out at the time we called.
Having seated ourselves. Lady Kate, after
some indifferent topics had passed, broke
through a silence that had succeeded, with an
interrogatory that disturbed my charming cou-
sin most cruelly, and made me smile.
" Do you propose visiting Epsom to see the
Races, Mrs. Crone V
" No, indeed. Lady Katharine," replied my
cousin in a hurried tone of surprise — (she
generally spoke very slowly and measuredly) —
" No, indeed, Lady Katharine, I shall not, I
assure you. I do not at all admire sitting in a
carriage, compelled, perhaps, to hear the exces-
sively indecorous conversation of grooms and
jockeys !''
" Oh, I should never take any notice of that,"
answered Lady Kate ; *' but I certainly find
great pleasure in looking at a race : I think it is
one of the most animating sights imaginable."
*^ Except that of a hunt," I observed, smi-
ling : " you remember my old love story about
" I suddenly checked myself, as I observed
44 CONFESSIONS OF
my cousin start, and bridle up her head in the
most ridiculous manner in the world, colouring
up to the eyes. Lady Kate could willingly
have given way to her risible inclinations : of
course, however, — and fortunately for me, as
well as for herself, she suppressed them.
We changed the subject of conversation to
that of the next party — of whatever kind it
might be — that had been announced ; this was
Lady Canterly's. I ventured to ask my cousin
if she was going to it.
" Yes," she replied, " I rather think I shall,
if nothing occurs "
Mrs. Crone had a way of beginning a sen-
tence without finishing it ; so that, generally
speaking, there was no understanding what
she meant to say. To make the matter worse,
she used to let her voice drop into a deep
growl, which almost drowned the sound of
the little that she did say. The sentence that
had been so abruptly broken off, was never
continued afterwards to its conclusion ; and
thus a conversation with her was less intelligi-
ble than the oracular responses of the Sibyl.
AN OLD MAID. 45
It was in vain endeavouring to keep up any
conversation with a person so little inclined
to be communicative as my cousin ; so I ob-
served to Lady Kate that we had some visits
to pay ; in order that we might take our leave.
As we rose, something or other put it into my
head to be a little malicious; and I am sure
my impatience at Mrs. Crone's unamiable quali-
ties may well be pardoned. " I suppose," I
said, "if Colonel Crone does not happen to
be in town on the evening of Lady Canterly's
ball. Sir Roger Tag* will accompany you ?''''
If I had any inclination to dissatisfy my cousin,
this short speech fully accomplished that re-
sult. Sir Roger Tag had at one time been an
admirer of her's; not quite so silly a person
as the Colonel, her husband, though just as
much of a figure in his appearance. Even
nowj she was supposed to like him better than
her lord : the insinuation, then, that Sir Roger
was to supply the place of the Colonel, when-
ever the opportunity might be offered him, was
* This eccentric and brief cognomen is applied purposedly
to the liero it designates. — Ed,
46 ' CONFESSIONS OF
dreadful to her prudish feelings. The colour
rose ten times more profusely than before in
Mrs. Crone's face, and rendered her temples and
ears scarlet, as well as her cheeks. She re-
turned no answer, but glanced at us both the
most angry look of her prudishness. If we
were before willing to remove from her pre-
sence, we were doubly so now. So away we
went, leaving her to herself, to condemn us,
no doubt, as " pert, old, gossiping, indecorous,
creatures.""
There are few beings in human nature more
worthy of reprobation than a prude. Prudery,
that grossest of all hypocrisy, in what terms
strong enough can I deprecate it ! Dreadful
must be the constraint which it imposes on
those who encourage it ; for they are in no less
pain with respect to all they do themselves,
than with respect to the conduct of others.
They hardly dare move, breathe, or even turn
their eyes about. How ridiculous ! Their affec-
tation of superfine purity, relative to matters of
sentiment and love, is absurd, when we con-
sider a moment the mixed composition of hu-
AN OLD MAID. 47
man nature ; and that in love, under the sanc-
tion of the most sacred alliance, entire purity
can never prevail. And if so, why then we may
surely go a step farther, and say that the en-
dowment itself of extreme purity would be
absurd, since useless, if this world is intended
to go on as it does : how much more then must
the affectation of it be ridiculous ! But this
affectation has also the additional mischief of
being wicked ; because, as it is not a real but a
fictitious feeling, it adds the sin of falsehood to
that of folly. Surely we may ask, in opposition
to prudishness, is not a little innocent liveliness
and love of entertainment pardonable, while
modesty, honour, and chastity are inviolate ?
Common sense and the simplest reasoning tells
us this; but if we require a higher authority,
we find it in the doctrines — those purest doc-
trines of Christianity itself. And no charge
can be greater against prudery than that it is
repugnant in every point of view to the spirit
of Christianity. For example, prudery is guilty
of falsehood, because it pretends to see mis-
chief in whatever it regards, where there really
48 CONFESSIONS OF
exists none to be seen — because it mao^nifies
the most innocent thoughts, words, and deeds,
into enormities. It is doubly false, because it
not only says it sees what it does not see ; but
farther 'pretends to be hurt at what it knows
does not really exist. Prudery is cruel, be-
cause it blights honest reputation with scandal,
for which there is no ground. Prudery is en-
vious, because it would mar innocent amuse-
ment, and even the most amiable and sociable
pleasures. Prudery is the worst of hypocrites,
because it would crush the feelings of human
nature in others, which it must entertain itself.
It is wicked in all these respects ; it is also use-
less, besides being thus wicked and absurd : ab-
surd is it, again, because those who have any
pretensions to sense, laugh at it : it is useless,
because all censure is negative the moment we
feel that it is suggested by prudery. Truth is
alone the foundation upon which authority in
all things must exist: therefore we mock at
prudery as a falsehood ; and how then can we
not despise it while we laugh ? We do despise
it — its folly and invalidity make it so contempt-
ible, that we forget to be angry at its wickedness.
AN OLD MAID. 49
The world has one source of revenge against
it, and that will ever be found to exist in itself.
It is as great a punishment to itself, as it would
wish to he to others. The fretfulness of its
envy preys the deepest on its own peace. In
straining to set a pattern to the rest of the
world, it is never at ease itself; it can lie but
on a bed of thorns ; it can move but as a beast
constrained within its cage of iron. Oh, my
amiable cousin, I envy thee not, nor any like
thee !
When we were seated in the carriage again,
Lady Kate relieved herself, by giving way more
fully to that merriment which she had hitherto
somewhat painfully repressed. " How could
you," said she, " shock your cousin so ^ I was
quite in pain."
" Because I was so much provoked at her
absurdity, and want of amiability as well ; be-
sides, I always feel under the influence of pique
whenever I come into her presence."
'• But you should suppress that feeling. —
Sir Roger Tag ! how could you mention his
name !"
VOL. I. D
50 CONFESSIONS OF
We both amused ourselves for some little
time ; not less at the idea of the absurdity of
my cousin, than at the recollection of her
strange husband, and his former rival. Sir
Roger : they were three such curious beings,
that we had ample cause for our entertainment.
I hope that we do not appear much given to
scandal ; merely a little. Kate and I amused
ourselves as much on the present occasion, as
we had the other day been entertained at the
expense of my brother. No new fashions, no
new publications, no parties, no operas, — afford
me such an agreeable subject of discussion as
an odd or unamiable character. Male or female,
Kate and I deal with the poor creature so un-
ceremoniously when we are together, that it is
disfigured to a degree so ridiculous, that the
caricature could net possibly be more complete.
Sometimes that malicious jade, Kate, turns
the shaft of her satire upon me and my ro-
mantic fancies. If so, I banter her in my
turn, by telhng her that if she rallies me,
she must indirectly laugh at herself too, since
we are only known in each other's company.
AN OLD MAID. 51
Still she has the wider theme for her banter
3
since I have had such a host of admirers in my
time ; while she can scarcely mention one who
has avowed himself as such. That she has had
admirers cannot be* doubted, since both her
means and her appearance, (which shall in due
time be pourtrayed,) justly entitled her to as
many as myself ; but the fact is, she was ever
dreaded by the men on account of her satire,
besides having been always considered ** a pri-
vileged person."" This accounts for her never
having received many declarations of love.
AVhat is more, even if she had heard confes-
sions of love for herself, yet she has not the
heart, not the capability of receiving impres-
sions, that I have. She always has mocked at
the idea of love : now, I did encourage one pas-
sion, which still glows in my bosom, although
I have ever rejected all the attempts of my nu-
merous admirers to awaken in me a second.
But the most cruel facetiousness of wliich my
friend is guilty, is actually doubting the con-
stancy of my early lover — my Albert ! This
is too much — this affects me sensibly, and if by
D 2
LIBRARY
UNIVERSITY OF ILUN0«
5^ CONFESSIONS OF
her conduct a tear is elicited what does
she do ? — why she ralhes me the more. Cruel,
yet beloved Kate, how canst thou sport with
the feelings of thy bosom friend, — thy own Clo-
rinda ? How canst thou breathe the suspicion
that whispers of inconstancy or forgetfulness in
her Albert ? It is but a few short years past,
since he murmured his vows But there
is something in the satue of my friend that is
always kind and well-meant. She sometimes
tells me of little things which the unsparing
world may treat as ridiculous, though the con-
sciousness of their being so has entirely es-
caped myself; and though I confess I feel a
little galled sometimes at these hints, yet I am
wilHng to acknowledge them of service. I only
wish she could break herself of that giddy ha-
bit she has, of now and then indulging in mirth,
— nay, even in laughter, — when I have not the
least suspicion what she means. Her whims,
though for the most part they coincide with my
own, are sometimes of a different nature. She
frequently takes fancies into her head, the oddest
and most eccentric in the world. And as I use
AN OLD MAID. 53
the same freedom in criticising her, with which
she treats me, our meetings are now and then
but one continued exercise of good-humoured,
reciprocal bantering. We can afford to in-
dulge in this, without any apprehension of its
weakening our love for one another. Time has
cemented our affections too closely to admit of
their ever being riven asunder: our very
frailties are viewed with affection by each other.
We have indeed mutual cause for congratula-
tion, that in a vvorld of hypocrisy, insincerity,
— of mere professions — and for the most part
of nominal, not real friendship, we possess for
each other a sympathy of feeling and a conge-
niality of spirit, from which has sprung a sin-
cere attachment — constant through joy and
through grief, and which death alone can dis-
solve : — a friendship, which reflects credit and
respectability on us, in the eyes of the world,
amidst whatever ridicule it may indulge in, at
our expense.
54 CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER V.
A children's ball at lady canterly's.
The engagement for the present evening
was Lady Canterly's ball. As I am always im-
patient to be in a cheerful scene of this sort,
I shall suppose that our carriage has already
set us down at her Ladyship's door. My heart
leaped at the sound of the violins, harp, and
flute, which pronounced that the dancing was in
full operation upstairs. The ball was nomi-
nally a children's ball, but there were ' sets' of
older dancers as well ; and as large an assem-
blage of grown-up children as of those of more
tender years. I have been rather desirous of
exhibiting myself at an entertainment of this
sort, in order to set in a stronger light mv
juvenile propensities. There are also reasons
of a more serious nature for my presence in
AK OLD MAID. 55
this scene, as may be perceived by and by.
Above all things does it delight me to see a
children's dance : it is a great pleasure to me
to witness in their countenances, the happi-
ness that throbs in their hearts ; while in some
of the elder ones, I trace the first indications of
that tender feeling which brings me back with
a sigh to Albert and sweet fifteen. " I won-
der," I said to Lady Kate, as we were taking
off our cloaks, in the room for that purpose at
the bottom of the stairs, " if Colonel Crone and
his lady are here to-night ?"
" Yes, they are, Ma'am ; they have just
been announced,'' said the woman that helped
me off with my cloak.
On expressing a hope that Sir Roger Tag
was with them, the woman said she had heard
the name announced ; and I could not help feel-
ing satisfaction when I thought of the carica-
ture that they would afford to Lady Kate and
myself, for a week to come and more.
We had arrived late, and after most of our
acquaintance. As for Lady Canterly, she was
so barricadoed by the throng of persons about
56 CONFESSIONS OF
her, that though she was as near the door as
she was able to station herself, and was aware
of our announcement, any recognition between
us was just at present impracticable.
To mention a few of the persons that met
^y eye? there were Lord and Lady Flashing-
don, the Countess of Hautegrace and Lady
Strutingly ; Colonel Rigadoon (of the Guards)
and Lord Robert Battlebone ; the Ladies Mar-
mozet and Mrs. Lofty ; the Honourable George
Curmudgeon and Captain Dandy prat, Lady
Charlotte Rossignol, (whose concert was ho-
noured by my friend, Kate, that day week
past,) Lord and Lady Frippington, and the
Misses Quizzett, and their brother, Arthur
Quizzett, (the whole family great friends of
mine). Then there were Lord Frederick Lath-
and-plaster and Sir John Longshanks ; Eveline,
Marchioness De Route, ' the Duke Noodled urn,"
the Honourable Dr. Sanconiathon Craft, and
Lord Ronald Shamblegait ; Sir Harry Stake-
feld, and Lady Georgina Squawlaby ; Mrs.
Rumfustian, and the Misses Rumfustian; Sir
Marmaduke Huntgage, Mrs. Rigmarole, Mr.
AN OLD MAID. 57
Gild y purse, (about to be made a baronet,)
and George William Godfrey Alexander Regi-
nald Parasite, (about to be made a peer). The
Honourable Miss Growlibell, Lord Rabblefawn,
Lady Flighty, and the Misses Flighty ; the
Honourable Arthur Turfman, Lady Barbara
Scarecrowe, Sir Jacob Consols, and his black-
eyed lady leaning on the arm of Captain Squan-
der, Sir Jeffrey Simperby, Lord Alfred Gam-
bleford, Mrs. Minxmazard ; that frivolous old
dame, the Honourable Mrs. Whistjoy, Sir
Alexander and Lady Finnikin, and the whole
string of the Misses Finnikin.
Now, I am not, generally speaking, fond of
emblematic names ; but as none of the persons in
the above catalogue are without their peculiar-
ity, 1 adopt this mode of " emblematic christ-
ening" — if I may so express myself — in order to
exhibit as concisely as possible the materials of
which an assembly of this sort is, for the most
part, made up.*
* Miss Mirabelle is doing no more than following the ex_
ample of the dramatis personce of almost every comedy, an-
cient or modern, that can be named ; to say nothing of tht
common practice of all languages. — Ep.
D 5
58 CONFESSIONS OF
Many others of my acquaintance were there
besides, whom I did not see at that moment :
some of them may perhaps be incidentally men-
tioned, before the evening at Lady Canterly'^s is
over. Many of them might be brought under
my criticism, and at one time or another have,
I dare say, afforded theme for a,musement to
Lady Kate and myself, but nothing compa-
rable were any of them, on the score of pecu-
liarity, to a certain curious trio, for which I
had been searching, and on which my eye
had just now glanced. Yes, there it was, and
there was its constellation, my cousin, between
the Colonel her husband, and Sir Roger Tag,
in the same yellow silk dress upon which we
had been so severe the other day. The Colonel
looked more than usually ugly that evening,
and Sir Roger, as he always does, like a Hin-
doo-pedlar. The contrast between the two
was striking ; the first being tall and raw-
boned, with light complexion and sandy hair,
pointed features, and long nose ; while the
little Baronet is short and broad, has a re-
markably thick neck, and monstrous double
AN OLD MAID. 59
chin. I almost fancy sometimes that he is
attempting to suffocate himself: for I really
think he must do so one of these days, since
by hunching up his shoulders above his ears,
he so squeezes down his throat and chin, that
his powers of respiration must be grievously
affected. The effect of this curious carriage of
his is to render his appearance in the face bloat-
ed and red ; but the red is not a bright red, but
a dingy and muddled flush, as may be sup-
posed, since his complexion is as brown as
mahogany, and covered with freckles.
With these two gallants in her wake, or ra-
ther by her side, did my cousin, Mrs. Crone,
show herself abroad. She thought it " proper
to go to parties with a gentleman on each side
of her. One was scarcely sufficient in an assem-
bly." — " An assembly," indeed, had she round
her, wherever she went, especially when ac-
companied by two such rarities as her mate and
Sir Roofer. These beaux could not be accused
of not making the most of themselves : the
Uttle fat man waddled, and strode forward in
such a manner, that one would have fancied
60 CONFESSIONS OF
he thought himself another Colossus of Rhodes ;
he moved, too, with a sort of jerk at the
knee, when he put his foot to the ground.
As for the Colonel, he thrust his long neck
forward like a crane, and took such long
strides, that his lady, and poor little Sir Roger,
were obliged to wriggle, and shuffle, and change
step eternally, to keep up with him. The
Colonel was not at all concerned at the in-
convenience he was occasioning them, but the
little fat baronet must have been very much so,
although he pretended not to be, but stretch-
ed out his legs as far as he could, as if to
outstride his antagonist.
As Lady Kate and myself passed by this inte-
resting trio, my cousin screwed her mouth and
chin most prudishly on one side, and scarcely
vouchsafed a syllable when I spoke to her. The
Colonel, her husband, just said, " How d' ye
do?" to Lady Kate, but took his eyes from
me, and poked out his great crane neck to
the other side. The rude creature ! because I
had once rejected his impertinent suit ! Sir
Roger was more communicative; he made a
AN OLD MAID. 61
most ceremonious and consequential bow, after
his fashion, and in a thick choked voice,
** Hoped he had the pleas/zor of seeing I^ady
Katharine Ratlington and Miss Cloreenda
Mirabelle well !"
We at length came up to Lady Canterly,
of whom little more is to be said, than that she
was rich and a widow ; was fond of vain osten-
tation, very silly, but good-natured; not too
old to tempt persons to marriage, but not
likely to enter upon such a step, as she was
at present happy in the independence of widow-
hood. Her late husband having been of a bad
temper, she had never been taught to cherish
any very favourable notions of matrimonial
bliss, and therefore, the chances are against her
changing her present condition. On the occa-
sion of her balls, she used to give extravagant
entertainments, the style of which bore ample
testimony to her love of idle ostentation. Va-
rious hangers on had she, amongst a number
of young men of fashion, who flattered her
vanity, at the same time, no doubt, that
they laughed at it. Amongst these, she had
62
CONFESSIONS OF
a favourite in a certain Lord Alfred Gamble-
ford, a handsome youth, who had lost all his
money at play, and was some few thousands in
debt, but of course not the less extravagant
on that account. Report whispered that the
charge of Lord Alfred's new cabriolet was
disbursed in quarters from which he was not
then very far distant, — and various similar in-
sinuations; but I never give credit to idle
reports. That he was certainly very often at
Lady Canterly's none can deny — 1 say nothing
farther. Some young men in his situation
behave with that proper tact, that they never
throw out any thing v/hich can be construed into
confirmation of suspicions of the nature I haye
mentioned.* I doubt whether Lord Alfred
possessed this .... It was no other than himself,
that, together with Sir Jeffrey Simperby, now
walked up to Lady Kate and myself, and ac-
costed us.
I saw that my prudish cousin was quite
shocked when she observed that we were talk-
ing with these two dissipated youths : whether
• More especially in Paris.
AN OLD MAID. 63
it was from this cause or not, I cannot exactly
answer, but she certainly retreated into a little
room, where two old toothless noblemen, and
as many old ladies in the same predicament,
were mumping at each other across a card-
table : that is to say, were " quietly enjoying a
rubber at whist." Not a little was I amused
at the silly scrupulosity of my cousin.
Sir Roger Tag, though a consequential little
person, did not encourage her in her folly, as
the Colonel, her husband, did ; for when they
walked off towards the card- room, the baronet
quitted her side to mingle again in the gaieties.
What was my surprise to observe that he was
making his way towards me !
** Who is this little monster ?" said Sir Jef-
frey to me, in a squeaking simpering tone.
" Sir Roger Tag, to be sure," answered Lord
Alfred, '* renowned for his gallantry, is he
not. Miss Mirabelle ? See, he is coming up to
you. How amusingly he struts and jerks along.'"
" Quite amusing, indeed !" said the goose,
Simperby. Sir Roger, (who was, I fancy,
a little smitten with me,) knowing that I some-
64 CONFESSIONS OF
times dance, had now come up to me, and with
a profound bow informed me, " that he had
left Mrs. Crone with the Colonel, ohsorving the
cord-plai/ers, to solicit the honour of dancing
with me in the next quadrille, if I felt disposed
so to do."
Now I do, generally, feel disposed to stand up
when I am asked, and would have had no ob-
jection to have done so had Lord Alfred asked
me, or any one but Sir Roger Tag; but I
could not possibly think of exposing myself so
much, as to dance with such a caricature as
himself, and therefore, with all imaginable good
humour, I declined the honour. Lady Kate
looked so satiric, and the two gallants by my
side seemed so inclined to smile, that I was
much too afraid to stand up. Kate rallies me
for dancing, but I do not see what occasion she
has to do so. I am not too old to have the use
of my limbs, why then should I resign it be-
fore my time ?^ For my part, I make a point
* The sagacious reader will know how to apply this remark
to other ladies in my situation besides myself; especially such
gentlemen, in particular, as have had the honour of dancing
AN OLD MAID. 65
of Standing up whenever any one asks me who
is not a perfect fright, like Sir Roger ; for I
confess I am a little punctilious as to my part-
ners. If he had but been three or four inches
taller, I should not have hesitated taking his
arm ; as it was, he had made his journey for
nothing, poor man ! and strutted back to his
party in the *' cord-room," much discomfited
at my refusal. I had, in the course of the even-
ing, two or three offers to dance, but was pre-
vented from accepting them, as I had refused
that of Sir Roofer : and this contributed rather to
damp my enjoyment of the evening's gaieties.
I am of so sprightly a disposition that I can
scarcely listen to the air of a quadrille, without
longing to be moving to it ; and while I see
the smiling couples figuring to the music, it
grieves me, not to be mingling with them. This,
my dancing propensity, is well known, and
therefore I never want a beau, and scarcely
ever miss dancing when I am at a ball. Kate
a quadrille with a certain honourable maiden in my neigh-
bourhood. CM.
66 CO^JFESSIONS OF
does not dance, but is satisfied with looking on,
at me. Why did not Lord Alfred engage me be-
fore that little fright Sir Roger forced me to re-
ject hira ? It was very ungallant of him indeed,
I must say ! I was, therefore, obliged to con-
tent myself with standing by one of the sets and
looking on, and commenting with Kate and the
two beaux by our side. Two or three dis-
tinguished looking girls, who were not yet
* out/ attracted our attention for some time ;
but the prettiest dancers in the room by far,
were a little group of children, not much more
than eight or nine years old, whose Lillipu-
tian graces quite enchanted me. The little
creatures seemed to enjoy the music so, and de-
light so much in displaying their steps and
various graces, that it made me quite happy
to look at them. Well ! I may be thought
childish, but I enjoy a quadrille and its mu-
sic, as much as any of these little things did ;
and though disappointed to-night in partici-
pating in my favourite recreation, I look for-
ward to enjoying it on some future occasion.
The quadrille at which we had been look-
AN OLD MAID. 67
ing, being at an end, Kate and myself sat
down to rest ourselves, and make our obser-
vations on the people in the room, out of the
immediate way of the crowd, glad to escape
the inconvenience it occasions. We were soon
enabled to enter upon a quiet tete-d-tete, un-
disturbed. I shall make no excuse for the
freedom with which we criticised people ; not
even that we are privileged persons. Lord
Alfred and Sir Jeffrey went to talk to Lady
Canterly.
68 CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER VI.
SOMETHING RATHER SEVERE. PROMISES OF
OLD MAIDS.
" Lord Alfred is sadly affected," I said,
as soon as we had seated ourselves, ''though
not half so silly as Sir Jeffrey. I declare Sir
Roger Tag is far their superior in intellect."
"Yes, and heart too," replied Lady Kate,
(I am inclined to suspect that he was rather a
favourite of hers,) " he is a good little person
in spite of his being such an oddity."
" Far better than Colonel Crone, certainly,"
I rejoined ; " he does not come in comparison
with such a ninny as Crone."
K, " Sir Roger has qualities that entitle him
to respect and esteem too. I really like the
man, since I understand he has much good-
ness of heart."
AN OLD MAID. 69
" That is a great thing in this world. I
think, on looking round us in this assembly, we
shall find a very scanty portion of it ?"
X. "As little of it as we shall find of sound-
ness of head : as little real virtue as sense."
" Do not let us judge too hastily. But see ;
there is a most unhappy specimen of society to
begin with, to be sure !*"
K. " The bloated Mr. T , who is va-
lued only according to the number of dinners
he gives ; he is talking to a person who seems
to have a great contempt for him.'"'
^' Yes ! that proud, ambitious, disappointed,
mean, personage. Lord Lumber, — with whom,
is his lady.''
K. " What a proud, disagreeable set they
are !''
" Yes, and so unsociable, that one might
safely say that the limit of their acquaintance is
exclusively confined to their own family cir-
cle."
K. " They say his lordship, haughty as he
is, is, notwithstanding, very shabby.
" I do not know the truth of such imputa-
tion, he is surely much too wealthy to be so."
V
70 CONFESSIONS OF
K. '' He is needy, in spite of his posses-
sions."
" Then the rich, yet needy man, is unlike
the poor man, as to the possession of honest
pride and disinterestedness of spirit."'"'
K. " So it should seem ; in this instance at
least."
" There is that wicked young rake who is
just going to be married, — Lord Railingdale.""
K. '* Yes, but not to be reformed, I fancy.
To whom is he to be married ?''*
" To the low-bred, flaunting daughter of Sir
Jacob Consols : her money is his object.""
K. " He comes of an exemplary race, truly !
A thorough personification of profligacy ;
and inherits the family infirmity to its full
extent.""
" He is talking to a person who is worthy of
his friendship and acquaintance."
K. " One of that wild Phoenician^ breed —
every member of which, they say, is cracked."
" There is a curious story about their all
* Irish, qu.? — Ed.
AN OLD MAID. 71
having lost their shadows. But do you see
Mrs. Rigmarole prating away in her absurd
mincing sort of voice, as usual T'
K. " She always amuses me, — that woman —
with her trumpery conceit. She will even set
about showing a person how much better she
could tie a bow than any one else, or any such
silly matter."
•■' But the worst of it is, she is such an ever-
lasting prater."
K. *' Why, she is obliged to prate a good
deal, to explain the subtilties of which she is so
proud.'*
" To be sure ! when a person utters a very
silly proposition, it takes some time to explain
away the absurdity."
K. " She is, certainly, very silly. Did you
ever observe the number of epithets which she
lavishes on a thing ?''*
" Oh, yes ! If she speaks, for instance, of a
tall man, she wdll describe him as ' a great un-
gainly, scraggy, hideous, abominable, lanky,
raw-boned, Harry-long-legged creature ; look-
ing just as if he were walking on a great, un-
72 CONFESSIONS OF
gainly, hideous, abominable, Harry-long-legged
pair of stilts !' "
K. " That is her way exactly ; it is the most
tiring thing in the world to listen to her, — wast-
ing epithets on a shoe-string, or explaining
what she says by grimace and gesticulation."
" What a very stupid, bantering person her
brother is f
K. " Yes, he mistakes bantering for wit, and
is even a punster into the bargain."
" Dreadful ! It is miserable to see the at-
tempts at wit and humour made by men who
have not a grain of either in their composition.
But see how happy Lord Hornfread looks,
since he lost his lady."
K, *' Yes, as much so as Lady Canterly at
the loss of her lord. He used to have the most
unhappy care-worn look in the world. He feels
himself now an independent person.'^
*' I do not wonder at his not having led the
most agreeable life with Lady Hornfread ; for
really, the extremely undisguised manner in
which she used to encourage the attentions of
certain followers. . . ."
AN OLD MAID. 73
K. " And her excessive frivolity. . . .""
" And idle extravagance, too. . . . How many
children had Ladj/ Hornfread ?""
K. " Three. You did well to say Ladt/
Hornfread — for I believe his Lordship is, ac-
cording to report, spared certain claims as to
their parentage. The eldest is wonderfully like
young Augustus Rotherhide."
" And the two youngest not unlike Lord
Henry Swivleton. But who is that disagreeable,
harsh, sour-visaged, young man ?"
K. " It is Avaro Stintly, the most sordid
person in the world ; yes, mean in every thing —
you know the story of his illnature towards his
brothers ?''"'
" No/'
K. " Why, he left home for a short time, and
in order that they should not make use of a
hunter of his, in his absence, he took the shoes
off and otherwise disabled the creature,""
" Ridiculous as well as mean. Such traits
as these are odious in the young : want of gene-
rosity in a young man is execrable — worse than
VOL. I. E
74 CONFESSIONS OF
even the profligacy of Lords Railingdale and
Gambleford."
K. " Well ! Avaro Stintly, notwithstanding
his possessions, universally practises meanness/*
" Not far from him, stands Flameden the
politician and orator — he has not an over-en-
gaging countenance."
K. " No ; but unpleasing as he is in manner,
and unattractive in visage, yet he is far more
agreeable, as well as amiable, than his wife."
'* I agree with you : she is all hypocrisy and
dissimulation. She wears a smiling countenance
as a mask for much spitefulness of heart."
K. " Ay, but her failing will betray itself, in
spite of herself."
" Yes, she is unable to resist saying a snap-
pish, ill-tempered, unkind thing, whenever an
opportunity offers."
K. " Bad as her husband is, I think that if
he had known her temper before he married
her, he never would have taken such a step."
" I remember her as a girl, and I always
looked upon her as affording an admirable pro-
AN OLD MATD. 75
mise of an old maid ; she was all spite and
captiousness then, and is so now.
K, " Charming pattern for her children, in-
deed r
" She is really mean-spirited."
K. " A bad-hearted woman, who, because
zhe is well off herself, considers that those who
are not so, deserve not to be so, whether they
can help their condition or not."
" Ridiculous ! It is notorious that the most
deserving people are frequently the worst off:
but she is eminent for her stupid, bigoted
sophistry."
K. '' Eminently foolish that is: the reasons she
gives for her sentiments and assertions are the
most ridiculous that can be conceived."
" Look at that huffy young person, with
one shoulder higher than the other."
K. " Oh, that is Miss Sourcroute, the girl who
is remarkable for her contemptuous toss of the
head and pettish elevation of the shoulder."
" What an obstinate little thing she is ! How
old is the girl ?"
E 2
76 CONFESSIONS OF
K. ^^ She cannot be much more than nineteen.""
" So much as that ! Oh, then with such a
manner, air, and temper as her's, she can never
expect to be married."
K. " We may safely set her down as afford-
ing a certain promise of forming one of the
future catalogue of old maids."
" Do you see her cousin there ? — she is
nearly as bad as herself."
K, " Pray what is her amiable failing.?"
" A habit of misconstruction and universal
misrepresentation."
K. " Why, that is to say, she has an inve-
terate spirit of falsehood."
" Oh, that is too harsh a term !"
K. " Nay, it is the true one — that girl is
about tlie same age as her cousin, Sourcroute."
" Their fortunes bid fair to be similar to
each other, with respect to single blessedness."
K. " Do not talk of blessedness^ rather say
cursedness. For such vile tempers as they both
possess, cannot be otherwise than a curse, not
only to themselves respectively, but to all
around them."
AN OLD MAID. 77
" Observe that strange-looking girl with a
rueful countenance, ruddy complexion, long
nose, and grey eyes !""
K, " That is Miss Azurette, the ' blue'
damsel, who leaves the society she may chance
to be in ' to retire to her chamber and peruse
a few pages of Homer or Sallust/ ''"'
" Dehghtful companion ! Who would marry
her, I should like to know ?"
K. ^' Nobody : she is an old maid already."
" She is a person who has no spark of na-
tural talent in the world, who is indebted for
her ' wit ' to quotations from the newspaper, nor
has any notion of giving an opinion of her own
w^orth attending to."
K. " Not an idea but such as she has gleaned
from books."
" So unhke the generality of her sex, who
are accused of being rather too inventive, ma-
noeuvring, imaginative; and endowed with so
much nicety of perception."
K. " Which always affords them a source
of loquacity, in laying open what they sus-
pect they have discovered amiss in others, and
78 CONFESSIONS OF
even what they feel ought to be suppressed,"
continued Lady Kate.
" Well, Miss Azurette may possibly be corn-
passioned up by some pedantic old college pro-
vost, who quotes Virgil and the Latin Gram-
mar.'"
K. " That would indeed be an appropriate
alliance for her. She should really advertise for
such a thing, if it does not happen to offer
itself."
" There is a girl whose chance of * going
off' I should think very doubtful."*'
JT. " What, Miss Cropmere ? It is of her
you are speaking ?"
'' Yes ; the precise-mannered gir], who utters
sentences as if they were axioms that could not
be controverted."
K. " She is rather pretty, too."
" Pretty well. I should think it a great
chance if she ever ^ went off." But what think
you then of the chance of her friend sitting
near her .?"
K. " What, of Miss Roistling ? Oh ! that
AN OLD MAID. 79
she has no chance at all. She is the most for-
ward, — I was going to say even impudent, — girl
that I know : her ideas, and manners, and look,
and every thing about her, have the indelible
stamp of assurance.*"
" She has certainly little female softness or
delicacy of manner about her."
K. " She fancies that assured address of hers
to be just so much grace and ease."
" She is rather mistaken then, as she will
find in time. We must set down both Miss
Cropmere and Miss Roistling as certain pro-
mises of old maids. But, my dear Kate, do tell
me what those extremely indecorous waxen-
lookino" f]<T:ures are called."
K. " Those are the Misses Rapeseld ; they
are certainly fit objects of surprise, as well as
exception, — both as to their gait, look, manner,
dress, air, and every thing."
" I am confident that, although their feat-
ures are rather handsome, yet not one of them
will ever be married."
K. " Why, my dear ?"
80 CONFESSIONS OF
" Because I am inclined to think that no
person who ever married one of them, could
expect much fideUty from his partner."
K. " How do you know that ? It is uncha-
ritable to judge by external appearance."
" It may be so; but by what else is the
world to judge ?"
K. " You are right. People should be cau-
tious about their appearance — especially girls.
I think we may set them down as sure. All old
maids, every one of them !''
" Standing near them is that girl, with a
disagreeable square grin on her face — Miss Mo-
lochan, a little demon incarnate, as I am in-
formed. She is possessed with the most per-
tinacious love of saying unkind things, and
cherishing a spirit of provocation, ever known."
K. " She is rather pretty, too."
" No, no ! Look what a bad expression of
countenance she has."
K. " She is a girl of the worst heart I know:
there is not one of her relatives, some almost
her nearest, that she does not cordially dislike
and traduce."
AN OLD MAID. 81
** How wicked ! Well, if she ever marries,
her husband will have a prize indeed."
K. "But marry she never will : for her bad
spirit is too generally known. How should it not
be, she who sets herself up to be spiteful and
malignant towards every body ?"
" Rightly, then, will she be left to repent her
own badness of heart, disliked and condemned
by all who are acquainted with her character !"
K. " Do you see that wretched, pale, shri-
velled damsel sitting next her ?"
" What Miss Haggart ? She has worn out
her health and strength by cherishing bad pas-
sions, spitefulness, and universal opposition.
She might once indeed have hoped to marry,
but she now looks plain enough to scare any
man away from her.''
K. " She is emaciated, jaded, and old-look-
ing."
" Yes, really old before her time ; exhausted
with continual efforts to be disagreeable to
others.
K. " Why, then, she is like her cousin, Miss
Molochan."
82 CONFESSIONS OF
" Yes, the example of the other has made
her that which she is ; and what is more piti-
ful in the case of this Miss Haggart, is, that
she weakly suffers herself to be led away by her
cousin, though, at the same time, she cordially
dislikes her.''
K. " What a delightful assortment of dispo-
sitions we appear to have come amongst to-
night! But when we say that none of these
girls will ever be married, how can we tell that
their several bad qualities are known beyond
their immediate family circle ? — for we must
consider ourselves as exposing the secrets that
lurk there,*''
" Oh, do not suppose that bad qualities are
so easily kept concealed : numbers of people
whom they little suspect of knowing any thing
about them, have heard of their bad dispositions
and faults by channels with which they are un-
acquainted."^
* I embrace the review of girls at aU ages ; and where the
age is not very fully indicated, the reader's discrimination will
understand where to apply my comments to childhood, and
where to a more advanced age. — C. M.
AN OLD MAID. 83
CHAPTER VII.
THE CONVERSATION CONTINUED. SOMETHING
STILL MORE SEVERE. MORE PROMISES OF
OLD MAIDS.
"Here comes that affected woman. Lady
Flashingdon. Do you observe her eyes ? She
could not open them for the world while she
is speaking."
K. " Oh dear, no ! she always speaks with her
eyes only half opened."
<4 Were she to open them entirely, their bril-
liancy would not exactly strike one dead."
K. "No; she is no very great beauty. A
street -sweeping mendicant could not pay her
the compliment of begging to light his pipe by
them — I allude to the old story of the beautifid
Duchess. — "
" And what a drawling tone she speaks in !
Silly, affected woman !"
K. " We shall observe worse instances of
84 CONFESSIONS OF
aiFectation, though, than her's, I doubt not,
before we have scrutinized many more persons
in the room."
" Oh, Kate ! do you see that wily-looking,
reverend gentleman standing by Lady Can-
terly ?"
K. " Wily-looking ! Yes, indeed, I think so.
Satan never wore a more cunnina: look when
he seduced our first mother into tasting the for-
bidden fruit ; only he must have looked more
agreeable."
" His countenance corresponds well with his
character : the last is sadly inconsistent with the
spirit of his vocation.''
K. " Yes; and the reverend Dr. Sanconia-
thon Craft also calls himself the honourable.'*
" I do believe that he is one of the most hol-
low-hearted men in the world. You know
how unkindly he behaved to young Henry
Dartingfield ?'''
K. " What, in declining to exert his interest
for him about the diplomatic situation, as he
had promised ? Oh, yes, I remember the cir-
cumstance. It was a shabby sort of thing ; and
his excuse for not doing so was, that young
AN OLD MAID. 85
Dartingfield's parents did not show any ' anxiety
about the matter.' "
" It was but a hollow pretence — people can-
not be so very solicitous on all occasions. They
would be then blamed and disliked for beino-
impertinent and unconscionable. But a true
friend would have saved them any pain in mak-
ing applications, and when once he knew what
would have been acceptable, have done it with-
out waiting to be solicited. And how do you
think this reverend man satisfied his conscience
that his insincerity and unkindness was right
and just ?"
K. " I cannot possibly tell !"
*'■ Why, by a text from Scripture : — ' ask,
and ye shall receive.' I can fancy the man
quoting it to himself, and adding in his canting
tone, ' they would have acted more like Chris-
tidiis had they urged me more.' "
K. "" Odious ! this is worse than the cant of
the Roundheads of the Rebelhon."
" Quite as bad, I am sure, — every bit."
" K. " The result of the reverend doctor's
insincerity has been a great mischief, I under-
stand, to the young man."
86 CONFESSIONS OF
" To be sure it has : how many young men
are there of the first families, whose only foot-
ing in the world and in society is established
by the interest of some friend or other."
K. " Well, the Honourable and Reverend Dr.
Craft will ' have his reward,' I doubt not, in
one way or another, either in this world or the
next.""
" Say nothing about the 7iext : — if hollow
insincerity,— if a career of hypocrisy, cant, and
cunning, — is to meet with the bliss for which
charity, uprightness, honesty, candour, and
sincerity may hope, — why the most iniquitous
characters may hope for a reward."
K. " You are talking of reward in its real
sense ; I used it in the sacred irony of the
text from which I cited it."
*' Then you may be sure Dr. Craft zvill have
his reward in the next ; and I am sure he de-
serves it in this world too, before he has done
with it."
K. *' But let us turn from his crafty rever^
ence; I am tired of looking on the meagre
canting visage and manner, with which he has
AN OLD MAID. 87
made his way in the world, and with which
he still imposes on people."
" Why, there is the very person he used so
unhandsomely !'"*
K. •' What, Henry Dartingfield ?"
" Yes, walking with his two sisters."
/{. " Yes, I see them. What handsome,
distinguished-looking girls th'^y are !"
" Remarkably so — but the poor young man
looks very unwell, and unhappy too."
They say he was seduced into risking more
than was prudent at play at one time :— that
he lost much more than his friends know any
thing about, in the set of that sad young gamb-
ler. Lord C .''
" You will see that he will soon be separated
from his sisters, for they are always in request
at a ball."
K. " How comes it those two sisters of his
are not married yet ?"
" I cannot conceive ; they are girls of so much
natural esprit, — as well as accomplished."
K. " Yes, and so amiable and elegant too.
— There is Arthur C bowing to one of
them now."
88 CONFESSIONS OF
'' C could not do better than make her
an offer. He has asked her to dance — thev
are walking up to the set that is now being
made.""
K. " AVas it the youngest that he asked
to dance ?"
"No, the eldest. There is Lord F .
walking up to ask the other now — do you see.'^"
K. " So he is. Well, he and C have,
in the Misses D. the most elegant partners
in the room. Where is their mother, — Mrs.
Dartingfield ?"
" She was walking with them a moment ago
— I see her sitting down not far from Lady
Canterly."
K. " But, pray observe those spiteful-look-
ing creatures the Misses Chatterden ; at no
very great distance from Mrs. Dartingfield."
" Everlastingly prating as usual !''
K. " Yes, and prating spitefully — they could
not speak at all, if it were not to utter some-
thing or other spiteful."*
* Spitefulness being the most general fault of my sex, I
comment on it more than others ki this review of female
failings. — C M.
AN OLD MAID. 89
" Their countenances indeed show it ; they
are as bad as Mrs. Flameden, of whom we were
speaking just now. Poor girls! there is some
excuse to be made for them, they are disap-
pointed, all four of them."
K. "Disappointed, indeed.^ How could they
ever expect to be married with their disagree-
able forward manner .?*"
*' They have always had an idea, that so far
from being forward and noisy, their manner was
engaging, clever, and amiable."
K. " How frightful the two youngest of them
have lately grown !""
" They afford a charming promise of being
the most spiteful old maids in existence.*"
K. " And how formal and priggish the bro-
thers are !"
" A happy family, indeed ! But see, there is
another party of girls, scarcely less praiseworthy
than they are."
K. " Oh, the Toadinglys ! yes, I believe
them to be little better than the Chatterdens."
"■ They are not so spiteful."
K. " No ; they do not at least show that
they are ; they are a bad-hearted set, though.''
90 CONFESSIONS OF
" Yes, most unamiable ; they treat their
poor, fooKsh, indulgent father, in a shameful
manner."
K. " So it should seem : the eldest, who
is leaning on his arm, seems quite as if she was
performing an act of condescension in doing so ;
and the father appears as if he was altogether
unused to any such compliance on the part of
the daughter.*'
*' Poor man! such is the result of his own
weakness and ill-judged indulgence."
K. " It is said that their home is a refjular
pandemonium."
" That is notorious ; they are everlastingly
disagreeing amongst each other ; or if they hap-
pen to agree, it is in the expression of wicked
and perverse sentiments."
K. " It is at those moments, I suppose, in
which they join in the chorus of scandalizing
their relations and acquaintance."
" Yes, no doubt ; they find fault with every
body they know."
K. '• They pretend to despise young H ,
AN OLD MAID. 91
their cousin, because he is obliged to follow a
profession."
" How ridiculous ! Members of the first fa-
milies follow professions. Why, he is far the
best of all that family, and does most honour
to it."
K. " There is not one of them whose dis-
position or talent will bear comparison with his ;
but because he cannot afford to be completely
idle, they pretend to say he is not ' fashionable'
enough for them.""
" Wliy, good heavens ! are they fashionable
themselves .^ "
K. "No— the most presuming, affected young
persons in the world ; who ' go out/ compa-
ratively, very little. Their affectation is of
the worst kind, as it is compounded with
wickedness."
'* But then they think themselves naturally so
enchanting and graceful, that if they had lived
in a routine of gaiety of the highest character,
which they have not, they could not have been
improved by it."
92 CONFESSIONS OF
K. Ridiculous ! that is the mischief of their
only having (comparatively speaking) seen
themselves : why there are hundreds in every
assembly into which one goes, that would out-
strip them all to nothing.*"
•' Yes, all to nothing. Their cousin, who
sees more of the world, and has ten times the
acquaintance which they have, must surely be
inclined to despise them, rather than entertain
any feelings of resentment."
K. " With his good sense he must ; but
those who are not so indulgent as he may be,
will be inclined to think a little more harshly of
their conduct, and speak of it as it deserves."
" How different are they in disposition from
the sisters of Henry Dartingfield ; who must be
most happy in them. By the by, I do not see
the youngest of those girls here T^
K. " I do not think she is present. What
elegant figures they have ! Which do you like
the best of the three ? "
" I can scarcely tell. They have all much
dignity of carriage, as well as grace of air.'*''
K. " Oh ! most patrician-looking girls. It is
AN OLD MAID. 93
difficult to say which to admire most of the
two eldest ; the hair of both is dark, and the
face oval; the eyes of the second are rather
larger than her sister's; the nose a soft aquiline
in one, and straighter in the other.""
" I admire very much the large blue eyes,
golden hair, and classic outline of the youngest.''
K. '' It is a pity the Misses Toadingly could
not take a lesson from them in manner and
disposition."
*' The Toadinglys and Chatterdens will make
formidable old maids, indeed ! \\
K. " They will together certainly form a so-
ciety of old maids, in which all the spleen, ill-
humour, and unamiability that can exist in the
female heart, will be concentrated."
" Here is Lady Lavingham ""
Lady Lavingham was leaning on the arm of
her son, George Raverton. — " How do you do,
Miss Mirabelle?" she said, with that sweet
smile which speaks the thorough amiability of
her soul — " How do you do. Lady Katharine ?
— I think we passed each other in the park this
mornmg r
?»
94 CONFESSIONS OF
" Yes/* I answered, "•' we had Mr. Raver-
ton's company in the park for some time : I
hope, Lady Lavingham, your visit to the sea-
side was of service to you ?"
" Thank you, I think that aUogether it did
me good ; but 1 feel these crowded parties
rather more than I hke."
They passed on up the room, as well as the
throng would permit them.
" Sweet, amiable creature, that Lady Laving-
ham f I said to Kate.
K. " Yes, it quite distresses me to think she
is so much an invalid."
*' She has also been very unfortunate — "
K. " She lost her youngest boy not long ago.
A very fine child he was too."
" And her only daughter the year before,
which was more distressing still."
K. '* She has been really unfortunate all her
life ; and can have but few agreeable recol-
lections."
How jealous her elder sisters were at her
((
marriage !"
K. " Yes, they have lost no opportunity of
showing her ever since, how much they were
AN OLD MAID. 95
mortified at her being selected before them by
Lord I.."
" But she is so amiable that she never showed
the slightest resentment of their unkindness.""
K. " Not the least — in doing which she has
rendered them doubly contemptible in the eyes
of those who knew them. You know they
always said she was a miserable, weak creature,
with whom they might do what they pleased,
and catechise as they liked."
" They were much mistaken if they thought
their sister wanted discernment to perceive the
malice that actuated all they said and did with
respect to herself: and much mistaken, too,
were they, if they thought she wanted strength
of mind to combat it."
K. " It is a pity, though, that she never did
combat it : it would at any rate have unde-
ceived them ; but she was too amiable to wish
to oppose herself to her sisters, and therefore
gave way to them, and let their malice flow on
unchided and unrestrained."
" She is certainly the most completely lady-
like, charming woman I ever knew."
K. " It is a wonder a pattern of so much
96 CONFESSIONS OF
gentleness and amiability as she is, has lived so
long as she has, — since we too often find such
exemplary natures but short sojourners in this
sphere : but she is so delicate that I fear she
cannot live very long."
" 1 fear not : — well ! her perfect goodness of
heart need not render her very apprehensive but
that she will be repaid in another state of exist-
ence for whatever she has been denied in this."
K. " Do you see her sister, Mrs. Candour-
lesse ?''
" Yes, there she is, sitting next to Colonel
Dashly. She has rather a pretty face, but
what an unamiable expression she has in it !
Her looks exactly betray her disposition — a
pleasure in saying what may mortify others."
K. " Unhappy, mean-spirited character ! I
cannot bear such natures. Her daughters are
just the same as herself; as like her in charac-
ter, temper and disposition, as they are in coun-
tenance and feature. Do you see Lady La-
vingham's two other sisters ?"
" No, they are not here ; one is, I believe,
in the country, — a silly, capricious, affected
AN OLD MAID. 97
woman ; and the other is just gone abroad with
her husband."
K. " What, that vain man, Sir Hervey Lap-
wing ?*"
" Yes — she doats on him — and so they are
happy enough. She is of a disposition just like
that of her sister, Mrs. Candourlesse."
K. " Who is that dowdy young person, talk-
ing in such a grimacing way with Arthur Quiz-
zett .?"
'' That is Miss Mimicton ; — her sole occupa-
tion has ever been that of taking off the voices
and manner of people ; and she ought by this
time to be tolerably perfect in her task : she
never speaks but with a sneer, which is disa-
greeable enough in a man, but in a woman
nothing is so repellingly unfeminine. Plain as
she naturally was, she has now distorted her
features so much, by assuming the looks and
countenances of different people, that one does
not know what to say of her face.'*''
K. " I wonder that a person who exhibits so
many causes of exception and ridicule in her-
self, can be so imprudent as to indulge in gri-
VOL. I. F
98 CONFESSIONS OF
macing at others, as she does. She affords
another promise of being an old maid."
" She has the same disagreeable square grin
about the mouth, that one of the Miss Molo-
chans has."
K. " So she has ! I thought I had seen some
face that put me in mind of her. But look at
that flighty person, with her staring round
black eyes and ruddy little face.""
*' She sets up for a genius — the most vain
person is she in the world. She does a great
many things — plays, draws, dances, sings, pre-
tends to speak every language in Europe, and
calls herself something of a Sappho into the
bargain."
K. " Yes, but she does every thing badly.
She is a completely vain person."
" She has managed to get married, though."
K. " Yes, no wonder : her husband is a
person of no discernment, little sense, though
of polished manners. He looks up to her as a
divinity, and gives way to her in every thing.
But do you see how earnestly Henry Darting-
AN OLD MAID. 99
field is talking with that ill-bred ninny. Colonel
Dashly/'
*' Yes. If his language is strong, I dare
say it is so with reason, for Colonel Dashly
is everlastingly catching up people with some
frivolous, vexatious, impertinent objection or
other."
K. '* Yes, and in the rudest manner too.
Little does he deserve the title he assumes, of
a ' man-of-fashion,' an insignificant creature
as he is, with no sort of pretensions whatever.
You know, he has nearly ruined himself, not
in any real spirit of fashion, but through an
empty-headed, affected, foolhardy idea of ' dash-
ingness.'" -
" He is indeed, then, deserving of contempt.
Why, if my eyes do not deceive me, there is
old Quizzaby in the room."
K, *' So he is, I declare. I have not seen
him out anywhere for some time. I knew him
again at once by his strange manner, his ner-
vous tricks, and ridiculous grimaces."
" Curious old man ! He is a sad annoyance,
I understand."
F 2
100 CONFESSIONS OF
K. " Dreadful ; and makes such a fuss about
the merest trifles, wherever he is concerned,
that people are sick of him."
" He has some good traits about him ; I be-
lieve he gives a good deal away in charity.'*'
K. " I do not know how that may be. He
is most cringingly mean towards his superiors in
rank ; and I really believe, as to his charity,
it arises from mere love of ostentation, — for if
ever he is informed that such and such a person
in society, is not blessed with affluence, he exhi-
bits the meanest disregard of them."
" Miserable, narrow-minded man ! It is
painful to contemplate dispositions so mean.
Who is that talking to him .?"
K, " Another strange old person ; a cousin
of his ; a relation of the Chatterdens.''
" So he is — I heard that he was much offend-
ed at their conduct the other day. They said
something extremely unkind and injudicious to
poor Mrs. Heartling,"
K. " It shows his good sense; I therefore
admire the old man, although he is so strange
a being."
" His faults are not of the heart — now, old
AN OLD MAID. 101
Quizzaby is in many respects a bad-hearted
man."
K. " And there is that unconscionable little
ninny with his theatrical manner !"
" You mean little Squintame ; the man who
pretends to fall in love with every woman he
sees."
K. " Yes : but who is that youth that is
walking with Lady Stakefield, quite at the other
end of the room ? They are but just come."
" That is Eustace Mervingale, a very amusing
genius, and with a good vein of satire. He is
a great favorite of Lady S.'s."
K. " Has he not credit for a poetical turn,
too r
" Oh yes ! Lady S. and all her female ac-
quaintance will tell you that.'*
K. " Well, he seems to make himself in re-
quest."
^' But the dancing appears to have come to
an end just at present, and there is a general
movement towards the door."
K. '* They are going down stairs. Here
come Lord Alfred and Sir Jeffrey to hand us
down, no doubt."
102 CONFESSIONS OF
" Well, Kate," I said, as we were getting up
from our seats, " we have taken an interesting
view of the qualities of both sexes this even-
* 11
ing.
K. " It is not a very flattering one, — but a
very true one."
" What think you of the chance of any of
those girls whom we have set down as affording
' promises of old maids,' of being married ?"
K. " Oh, they have no chance at all T'
AN OLD MAID. 103
CHAPTER VIII.
AFFECTATION. " LA BELLE MIRABELLE"
SADLY DISSATISFIED.
Are there any to whom the satire of my two
last chapters has come home ? — for the satire is
equally true, though it comes from a person
who herself has her follies and faults. If it
has ; so much the better for those who will pay
attention to it, and profit by it. But to quit
this topic, I fancied I observed a look of dis-
content and jealousy on the countenance of our
entertainer. Lady Canterly, at the attentions
Lord Alfred Gambleford was paying me. Sir
Jeffrey Simperby handed down Lady Kate, and
Lord Alfred offered me his arm. It is a sad
thing I made poor Lady Canterly so jealous.
There is no fault which I am more fond of
marking out for exception and ridicule, than
104 CONFESSIONS OF
that of affectation. It is a general remark,
that people are always blindest to their own
defects ; and if it is true, that what in myself
I consider naivete^ is in fact affectation, why,
I am willing to own myself as blind as the rest
of the world. But though blind to my own
failings, I cannot think myself so as to those of
others ; and in proceeding to expose the affec-
tation of Lord Alfred Gambleford, I have in
view similar absurdities in two or three young
men of my acquaintance. There are so many
species of affectation in young men, that it is
difficult to select that which is most deserving
of ridicule:^ the species which I have chosen, is
that which exhibits the silliest coxcombry. I
feel that I could perhaps have done more jus-
tice to any exposure that regarded the failings
of one of my own sex. It has been my wish to
make Lord A. as ridiculous a figure as I could
in this ' School for Vanity' of mine, by way of
counterbalance to the large preceding amourit
« 'IV
To give an instance or two from the manner of speaking.
The voice is sometimes so droj)t, that there is no hearing a
word : at others, the drawl is so outrageous, that a 'yes' is
scarcely uttered under five minutes — * Y-e-e-a-as' — at last the
portentous monosyllable comes forth.
AN OLD MAID.
105
of female failings. His voice and air in speak-
ing are left to the reader's imagination.
On enterincv the scene of the entertainment,
my attention was strikingly directed towards
the mistaken elegance and want of real taste
with which it was decorated, and the entertain-
ment itself laid out. The ornament of the
room was tawdry, and there was too much of it :
the tables also displayed too many ornaments.
In fact, a fantastic appearance was given to the
whole arrangement. I was given shortly to
understand, that Lord Alfred's affectation had
lent its aid to promote this result.
'• Don't suppose," he observed, raising up his
eye-brows, and smihng with a ridiculous self-
complacency, " that all this arrangement is
Lady Canterly's : this she manages to effect,
in consequence of being occasionally favoured
with a morning ' look in' from myself."
" Then it is to your taste that she is in-
debted for so much elegance in the arrange-
ment of every thing here ?"
" Why I suppose that is something near the
truth : you know. Lady Canterly can do
F 5
106 CONFESSIONS OF
nothing without me — positively nothing — ""
(shaking his head, with the most absurd air
of conceit) — " why, Miss Mirabelle, if I
should happen to be on the Continent during a
season in town, she could not gi\e a single party
worth coming to."
" Lady Canterly must, indeed, have been
delighted at your assistance on the present oc-
casion."
" Delighted r
" I wish we could procure a seat," inter-
rupted Sir Jeffrey Simperby, whose simper was
even more foolish then the conceit of my ex-
quisite chaperon Lord Alfred. He was just
behind me with Lady Kate.
" Oh, Sir Jeffrey," I replied, " it is a thing
to be despaired of at present ; we should have
come down sooner — but unfortunately, we did
not get out of the room till nearly every one
had thronged on the staircase long before us."
" Sadly vexatious, however !" again simpered
the Baronet.
'' Yes, and by the time we get to the table,
every more elegant refection will have disap-
peared/' observed Lord Alfred, in a tone of
AN OLD MAID. 107
rather rueful affectation ; " now, I do not mind
this as to myself,'** he continued, " but then, it
is melancholy to think how we shall ever be
able to procure any thing for yourself and
Lady Katharine, before you faint. I am to-
tally at a loss to conceive how !"
" Oh, do not be concerned about us," I said,
for Lady Kate and myself; " we shall not quite
faint."
" Gracious, I fear you will ! You have been
now standing up these seven minutes and three
quarters, I am perfectly positive ; I judge of
your feelings from my own, and / am so fa-
tigued that I scarcely can stand, I assure you !"
'* I wish it were possible to procure you even
a little ice ; but there is such a crowd ....*'
simpered Sir Jeffrey to Lady Kate.
" Believe me," continued Lord Alfred to
myself, ** what with the anxiety that this party
has occasioned me, as being the planner of the
thing; and the total inability to get a seat either
for you or myself, I am positively ill."
" I am very sorry for you. Lord Alfred," I
said, " but do not distress yourself on our ac-
count ; and as for the party, I think you may
108 CONFESSIONS OF
relieve yourself from any anxiety on that score,
for it has succeeded beyond any thing. There
are none here, I am sure, that can help being
pleased."
" Yes," replied Lord A. " but they would
not be so pleased if they were sequestered thus
in the rear as we are."
" Without any chance of advancing, either !""
simpered the Baronet.
" Oh, the people appear to be going up stairs
again," said Lady Kate.
" Yes. I think we shall find a seat now, at
that corner, on the left hand side," rejoined her
gallant.
" Find a seat, possibly, when you are there ;
but how you are to get at it from hence, I
should be glad to know," said Lord Alfred.
" At any rate,"" I said, *' the crowd is much
less than it was."
'* Thick enough still," said Lord A. ;
" however, let us try ;" and accordingly we
essayed to make our way, bit by bit, through
the still considerable host of persons with which
the intervening space was occupied. At last, in
something less than half an hour we succeeded
AN OLD MAID. 109
in establishing ourselves in a seat. A few of
the ' more elegant' specimens (as Lord A. would
say) of all that Gunter or Jarrin had supplied
for the entertainment, still remained — but not
many.
Most of the guests had now gone up- stairs
again, to witness the recommencement of dan-
cing ; yet the room was still tolerably well filled
with such persons as had, like ourselves, been till
now in the back-ground. Amongst the rest was
Sir Roger Tag, who had been straining and
stretching upwards his little bullet of a head,
and hoisting himself on tip-toe, to endeavour
to look over the shoulders of the persons before
him. What had become of Colonel and Mrs.
Crone I know not. As I did not see them
either now, or in coming down stairs, I con-
cluded that they had taken leave of the party.
If so, Sir Roger Tag had not considered it
advisable to follow their example. To the ex-
clusion of Lord Alfred, he managed to consume
the last remaining drop of some punch a la
Romahie • however, there was iced champagne.
The little man looked very much piqued at me
for declining to dance with him, and avoided
110 CONFESSIONS OF
coming in my way for the rest of the evening ;
though he exhibited no coolness towards me
whatever, afterwards.
Having walked up stairs again, I was hoping
that Sir Roger would go away by that time,
and leave the coast clear for me, to dance with
any one else that might ask me ; and indeed so
he did : but just as I was looking towards Lord
Alfred, in hopes that he would solicit the fa-
vour of stepping a measure with me, away he
started with his glass up to his eye, to look at
the beautiful heiress, Miss Gracely, who was at
the other end of the room ; and of whom, upon
my word, I felt inclined at the moment to be
very jealous. Well, this was but fair : I have
made others jealous of me^ and therefore I may
well afford to let others make m^ a little jealous
of them now and then. How I should have
enjoyed a quadrille that evening !
Altogether, I went home dissatisfied with
the party : that vile Sir Roger, why did he ask
me to dance, and prevent my dancing with any
one else .? — and that coxcomb. Lord Alfred,
why did he run away, after we had gone up
ytairs again, to look at a girl because she hap-
AN OLD MAID. Ill
pened to have a little money ? I do not like
being slighted, I must confess ; because I feel
that I do not deserve it. However, this does not
often happen ; and I consoled myself by vent-
ing my spleen upon my prudish cousin, and
laughing at the caricatures presented by her-
self, her husband, and the little good-for-
nothing monster, Sir Roger Tag.
Lady Canterly was evidently cool when I
took leave of her : she would not have been so,
however, had she known that her gallant had
abandoned his attentions to me so abruptly
and unceremoniously as he did. I hope she
will punish him for his airs : it will serve him
right, and teach him better behaviour. Kate
provoked me, too, a little, as she was not in-
clined to sympathize so much as I could have
wished in my discomfit are.
I passed a restless night, and awoke the next
morning with a slight head-ache.
112 CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER IX.
"la belle mirabelle" makes a decided
conquest this evening.
A DAY or two after Lady Canterly's ball, I
received an invitation to dinner from my old
friends, Lord and Lady Frippington. I shall
not trouble myself about filling up the interven-
ing period, farther than by saying, that Lady
Kate and myself being at the Opera, we saw
Lord Alfred Gambleford and Lady Canterly, as
usual, sitting together in the same box, and
that, on Lord Alfred's coming round to speak
to us, I did not receive him in the same en-
gaging manner I had been used to do. I had
not yet forgotten his excessive want of attention
towards me.
On the announcement of the names, " Lady
AN OLD MAID. 113
Katharine Ratlinoton" and '' Miss Clorinda
Mirabelle," the whole party was intent on be-
holding our entree, or rather I may say, my
entree ; — for I can speak for myself, that I had
to encounter the fixed gaze of every body in the
room.
Lady Frippington received us with a smile,
in which I fancied a little more was conveyed
than mere satisfaction at seeing us — something
that looked hke amusement. There seemed also
an incipient smile on the countenances of the
other people in the room : it proceeded from ad-
miration, no doubt — it is really quite surprising
how young I look ! — I don't mean to say that I
am old, — but I look so very young. Lady Kate
is not at all envious of me, poor thing ! She is
a good, amiable creature, and in this respect far
superior to most women that I know.
Lord Frippington pressed my hand in the
cordial way that he always does ; but seemed,
I thought, to betray a smile of an equivocal
character, as he turned round to resume his
conversation with a gentleman to whom he had
been speaking when we entered. In fact, I
seemed to form a subject of interest to every
114 CONFESSIONS OF
body in the room, whether young or old: I
will own I was in very good looks that evening.
Dinner being announced, I fancied, from
their countenances, that there was a feehng,
rather, of rivalry amongst the gentlemen, as to
which of them should have the honour of hand-
ing down myself. That they were inclined to
be a Httle jealous of each other I cannot much
wonder, though their courtesy made them will-
ing each to give up the distinction to the other.
Lady Frippington desired her son, Arthur
Quizzett, " to take Miss Mirabelle."
Accordingly he stepped forward, and offered
me his arm : Poor modest young man ; at first,
how amiably diffident he looked ! But after-
wards, so proud w^as he to have had a distinc-
tion before every gentleman present, that he
seemed for a few moments elated beyond his
usual composure.
We sat next each other at dinner: after he
had a little come to himself again, we had the
most delightful tete-a-tete imaginable. I have
been so used to see people fall in love with me
in the course of my blooming days, that I take
such a thing as a matter of courae, and pay
AN OLD MAID. 115
little attention to it. I was in the present in-
stance really disposed to pity young Arthur
Quizzett, who evidently, before the second
course made its appearance, was so smitten with
me that it was perceptible to the most casual
observer: even an old foreign Duke, who was
blind of one eye and could see but indifferent-
ly with the other, must have perceived it, had
he not sat on the other side of me. If such
suspicions had not been well founded, why
should the eyes of young men on the other side
of the table — Arthur Quizzett's friends— have
now and then wandered rather inquisitively to-
wards his ? And why should they have smiled
at the same time ? They did so doubtlessly out
of good-humoured malice, because they enjoyed
his confusion. They did not stop here : in order
to tease him more and make him jealous, they
also showed me the most marked attention.
There was scarcely one of them that did not
ask me to drink wine: this they took care to do,
for the additional purpose of being able to gaze
on my — assuredly captivating — countenance,
without the imputation of rudeness.
But to leave thtm^ and to turn to my friend,
116 CONFESSIONS OF
Mr. Quizzett. " Are you to be at the great
ball, Miss Mirabelle ?"" said he, in a languish-
ing tone.
" On Thursday next, I suppose you mean,
for the benefit of the distressed manufacturers ?**'
I replied.
" Yes. One of the theatres, Covent-Garden,
I believe, is to be metamorphosed into a ball-
room for the occasion ; the pit raised to a level
with the stage, et cetera.'*
" Yes, I think I shall be there. I beheve
Lady Katharine Ratlington has offered me a
place in a box which one of her family has
taken for the occasion ; it will be so dreadfully
crowded below."
" My dear Miss Mirabelle, you must not
think of secluding yourself in a box ; I was
promising myself the pleasure of dancing with
you, if you are not pre-engaged. I know you
are fond of dancing."
" Oh ! Mr. Quizzett, I shall be happy to
dance with you ; but I fear the crowd will be
too great to admit of any dancing. Besides we
cannot exactly dance, unless we secure * a set'
made up of ourselves."
AN OLD MAID. 117
" Leave that to me — we shall soon muster
a set from my sisters and cousins: and com-
plete will it be indeed, if you will condescend
to form one in it."
" I shall be delighted to do so ;— but we
must consider what character of dress will
have the best effect; for we ought all to be
in uniform."
" I assure you, Miss Mirabel! e, when I
understood that you were coming to dine
with us this evening, the thought struck me
of asking you about your intentions of going
to the ball or not, and of course I suggested
to my sisters the hope of your forming one of
our party ; and this farther led to speaking of
the dresses.*"
" Really !"
" And I assure you they have a very pretty
idea in their heads: they have fixed on a pat-
tern that is one of the prettiest I ever saw."
" What ! then they have been making pre-
parations already ?''"' I observed, looking with
a smile towards the Misses Quizzett, who were
at the other end of the table."
" Yes, indeed, have they. It is a subject
118 CONFESSIONS OF
of no small importance, even to those whose
beauty needs no additional decoration, — Si^ you
are perhaps aware. Miss Mirabelle."
I smiled, and tossed my head on one side,
with a pretty engaging jerk ; and in so doing
very unfortunately happened to whisk it against
the shoulder of the good old foreign Duke, and
occasioned the upsetting of a glass of cham-
pagne over his waistcoat, just as he was rais-
ing the sparkling draught to his lips. This
little mishap occasioned more pleasantry to
the spectators (to judge by their countenances)
than to the Duke himself. I instantly tossed
my head on the opposite side to that on which
it had done so much mischief, (whereby I am
afraid I gave Mr. Quizzett a gentle rap on the
temples,) uttering my apologies, and blushing
in a manner which I am sure must have dis-
armed the most impatient tempers of any feel-
ing of vexation : it certainly disarmed his.
Unfortunately, the Duke's blind eye being
next me, he did not discern my blushes.
" I was right, was I not. Miss Mirabelle,
in observing that you were fond of dancing .?"
" Yes, I enjoy it excessively ; it affords an
AN OLD MAID. 119
animation that few other amusements do— a
light-heartedness and general good-will — I
speak of the effect it has upon myself; I
am in good humour vvith every body whilst
I am dancing" (' Oh, you are always in a
good humour, Miss Mirabelle!') "and
then the music is agreeable and inspiring at
the same time.""
" Remarkably so — at least to you ladies —
as for myself I am not the most spirited of
dancers."
" It is really a sad pity that you do not
take a little more interest in the thing". It
is no compliment to your partners, and surely
no credit to yourself." ....
" Oh, Miss Mirabelle, you are severe !"
" Now, next Thursday, Mr. Quizzett, I
shall insist on your daiicing.''''
" That I certainly shall make a point of
doing — I shall feel myself bound to do so^ with
such a partner as yourself- — my pvoor sisters
will be thrown completely into the back-
ground !" — (he said this in a subdued and
vastly pretty, despairing tone.)
" Mr. Quizzett, you flatter me !"
120 CONFESSIONS OF
" I think," continued he, " that I have been
behaving cruelly to them, in urging you to go
to the ball and outstrip them so. I hope the
room will not be too crowded."
" I am sure I am as anxious as yourself that
it should not."
" These excessive crowds at dances often pre-
vent all dancing whatever : and to walk through
a figure, is really the most one can sometimes
do;'
" I agree with you in deprecating such
crowded parties ; even the capering foreigners
have been obliged to put up with pacing
through a measure, on account of the throng."
" Do you know our German acquaintance the
Baron, Von Blosterbomb ? — he is to be at the
ball. He valtzes beautifully, and charming will
it be for you, to take a round with him in the
course of the evening. Of course, you have no
objection to valtzing ?"
" Not the least. I shall be delighted ! Above
all dances I admire the valtz,"* when it is not
too quickly danced ; there is so much grace in
* The reader may please himself as to saying waltz, or
▼altz.
AN OLD MAID. 121
it : but to see couples twirling round after each
other in anxious race, and seeming as if they
would run against each other, is, I must con-
fess, not so agreeable.''
" I entirely agree with you. Miss Mirabelle ;
as for myself, I never valtz — unless I can get a
very beautiful partner. It is not otherwise
worth the trouble — because some foreigner or
other is almost sure to be the object of attrac-
tion in a valtz, and engrosses the attention of
the whole room to himself. I do not admire
feeling myself thrown into the back ground so !"
" Oh, you vain young man !"
'' However, there is no reason for me to be
uneasy at the idea of not being conspicuous
enough next Thursday — with such a partner.""
A complacent smile acknowledged a second
time the youth's amiable compliment.
It was now time for the ladies to withdraw.
The Misses Quizzett seemed desirous to know if
their brother had been talking to me about the
ball ; and we all stood talking by the fireplace
in the drawing-room for some little time, about
VOL. I. G
122 CONFESSIONS OF
the various persons of distinction who would be
there, and the brilliancy of the spectacle.
Lady Frippington suggested that I should go
up-stairs with her daughters, and look at Sophia's
(her eldest daughter's) dress, which had been
already sent home from the mantua-maker's,
Madame Delia's. So up-stairs we went, and
consumed half an hour and more in admiring
the pattern and colour of Miss Quizzett's dress,
which was the exact model of those which were
now making for her sisters.
*' You see how patriotic we are, Miss Mira-
belle,'' said Sophia, holding up the gown to the
light — " this is English silk, ordered expressly
on this occasion for the purpose of giving our
mite of patronage to our unhappy, distressed
countrymen." *
" I hope you will follow our example, Miss
Mirabelle," rejoined the second sister, Lucy.""
" That I shall be too happy to do, I assure
you. I never require being urged to show my
compassion for my unfortunate countrymen.
* I am sure Miss Mirabelle introduces this purposely in tlie
characteristic kindness of her heart : and the occasion, of which
she speaks, is a designed anachronism in her history. — Ed.
AN OLD MAID. 123
Every thing I have on at this moment, is of
genuine English manufacture."
" My brother tells me, however, that there
are not many patriotic people now^ observed
the youngest sister, Caroline.
" As for ourselves," said Miss Quizzett, " it
is not our intention, at present, to wear any
foreign silk. But how this pattern will become
you. Miss Mirabelle !" continued she, holding
the dress up to my waist, and leaning back to
contemplate its effect.
" Yes, will it not, Sophy?" said the second
sister.
" Miss Mirabelle will look quite charming
in it."
" I declare she will," added Caroline. " Do
you not think so, Blanche ? " said she, address-
ing in French a young person, who had just
then come into the room.
Blanche looked at me and then at Miss
Quizzett, uncertain what to say exactly.
" With a pretty light wreath of roses in
your hair, I say your appearance will be de-
lightful," repeated Caroline, turning to me.
G 2
124 CONFESSIONS OF
'' Yes, a wreath of roses will be so much in
character !'' continued Sophia, smiling.
" I see, that of course you intend dressing
in some character,"" I said.
" Oh, yes, and in a very pretty one too,"
she answered ; "" we intend to personify the
Seasons : by we, I mean ourselves and our
cousins, the D s and Limblys. 0«r set will
represent Spring."
" And Miss Mirabelle will make a charming
Flora !"" interrupted Caroline.
" Oh, Miss Quizzett," I exclaimed, " can you
really mean to say so ! — I suppose you will have
enough persons to make up all the sets ; for
yourselves and your cousins will scarcely be
sufficient, with only the addition of myself ?""
" The Arvens are to help us — the sisters of
George Arven, who sat opposite you at dinner.
But I am so glad you are in our set !"
" Yes, it was pleasant to fill it up so agree-
ably, when we wanted a person,'' said Lucy.
" Oh, dear !" said I, smiling.
" Nothing could be more fortunate,*" con-
tinued Miss Quizzett, as she consigned the dress
AN OLD MAID. "125
to Blanche ; " and so now," she continued, " let
us return to the drawing-room."
On entering the room we found my friend,
Arthur Quizzett, with the whole party of young
men round him, whom he seemed to be amusing
excessively. As / entered the room, their
group separated. Sophia told her brother that
she had been showing me her dress as a pattern
for my own.
" It is very pretty, is it not, Miss Mirabelle?'-
he observed.
" Exceedingly so !" I replied.
" It was my choice, I assure you, then. My
sisters have to thank my taste for that pattern."
" Arthur," exclaimed Caroline, " how can
you say so ? Indeed, we only asked your
opinion about it."
" We had fixed on it before we spoke to
you about it," added her sister Sophy.
" Well, then, it does the taste of all of us
great credit," rejoined Arthur. '' Does it not.
Miss Mirabelle ? I thought it would meet with
your approbation."
" That it does, indeed," I replied ; " I shall
126 CONFESSIONS OF
certainly send to Madame Delia, to get a dress
made exactly like it.''
'' Upon my word," continued Arthur, " it
will be a very pretty thing — this set of ours!
Who are to be your partners, Sophy ?"
'' George Arven has asked me to dance ; and
Lord Walterton dances with Caroline/*
" And who is to be your partner, Lucy ?"
At this moment Lady Frippington sat down
by my side, and I continued talking with her
for the rest of the evening ; so I did not
hear any more of the consultation relative to
the ball.
On Lady Kate's carriage being announced,
I and my friend took our leave.
" A very pleasant party," said Lady Kate,
when we were seated in the carriage ; " you
seemed to have a good deal of conversation with
Arthur Quizzett."
" We sat next each other at dinner."
" A very agreeable young man he seems to
be.^'*
" He is to be my partner at the ball next
Thursday."
AN OLD MAID. 1£7
" What ! you are dreaming of dancing,
again, as usual ? I suppose you will be making
me dance as well as yourself soon f said she
smiling.
" As to that, you may do as you please,
Kate," I replied ; " for myself, I think it rea-
sonable to enjoy my limbs as long as I have
the use of them ; I can see no reason why I
should not."
Kate said nothing, but continued smiling.
After a moment's silence, she resumed, " Per-
haps, then, you go with the Quizzetts ?"*'
" Yes, as I am in their set, I shall ; so that
you and myself can meet each other there, and
go away together after the ball."
" Very well."
The carriage whirling rapidly over the pave-
ment, round the corner of the square, into the
street in which I lived, drowned Lady Kate's
voice in its clatter ; and after having landed
me at my own door, she went home, agreeing
to pass the evening of the next day with me
ttte-a-ttte. This was always a pleasure both
to my friend and myself. As for going out to
128 CONFESSIONS OF
any parties between this time and the period
of the ball, it was in my own instance given
up ; and though it may appear childish, no
other engagement but this could meet with
any attention from me. Nevertheless, I must
for a short time lay aside the thoughts of it, in
order to show the reader how agreeable an
evening Lady Kate and myself could pass
together by ourselves.
AN OLD MAID. 129
CHAPTER X.
AN evening''s tete-a-tete \vi [h lady
KATE, AT MISS MIRABELLE's: — CHARAC-
TERISTIC.
Who will not envy the pleasant evenings
that Lady Kate and myself pass together when
society has no immediate claims upon us? —
though that is not very often, so much are we
in request.
Seated down at dinner, it is our pleasure to
dispense with the attendance of our servants as
soon as we can : these are — when we dine at my
own house — a tall dapper footman, a grave elder-
ly domestic, and a young, black urchin, my page,
called Mungo : — he takes care of Fido, the
little spaniel. And now, the soup having been
removed, we are left, for a while, to ourselves ;
and enter more fully upon our mutual sallies,
G 5
130 CONFESSIONS OF
droll recollections, criticisms, satiric reflections,
and daily gossip.
If the reader should feel inclined to join us
at table, he will find the repast for so small a
party very simple from first to last. Rissoles?
volauvents, cotelettes {aux point es d'asperge^^fri-
candeau, — epigramme, macaroni, soufflet, cream
— will serve as a specimen. By the by, I must
just remark, that the cumbrous ornaments with
which some people think fit to decorate their
tables, are all in bad taste, and worthy only of
such persons as Lady Canterly.
We sit for a long time after dinner, our
chairs drawn close up to the fire, whenever the
weather is at all cold enough to require one :
and when it is almost out, we adjourn up-
stairs to the drawing-room, to be greeted with a
fine blazing flame, which makes my room look
so cheerful that it quite delights me. We ne-
ver suffer any dessert to be brought up after
dinner, but reserve any thing of this sort till
the tea-things are brought up. At about half
past nine o'clock, my little sooty page, Mungo,
brings up two cups of green tea (of which the
AN OLD MAID. 131
weakest is for me — I am so apt to be nervous)
and a little tray with marmalade or some other
compote. After placing these on the table, he
lifts a large agate bowl from a side table, and
puts it down by the tray. Then exit my page
Mungo, whilst I take the lid of the bowl off.
Woe to its contents, should any urchin " let
loose from school,"" peep beneath its lid. There,
lurk dainty nick-nacks of a thousand descrip-
tions, and varieties of nicety : thence do I pro-
duce burnt almonds, orange chips, boxes of
bon-boiis, quaint little conundrums in the shape
of cakes, sweet biscuits, fingers, etcetera. With
one or two of these we amuse ourselves, till we are
inclined to direct our attention to something else.
This " something else" is generally a game
of cards — not chess — I am not fond of chess ;
it is the only thing that has power to ruffle my
sweet temper, and I cannot bear risking the
chance of having its harmony discomposed by
so unworthy a cause. For the same reasons,
Lady Kate prudently forbears meddling with
that game : and so by mutual consent we leave
it to greater philosophers than ourselves, and
132 CONFESSIONS OF
resort to ecarte, or perhaps cribbage, or some
other game at which two people can play. Our
stakes are never suffered to run high : we are
not 'dashing' enough to gamble ; nor are w^e am-
bitious of acquiring such a proficiency as might
induce such noble lords and gentlemen, as think
nothing of fleecing a new acquaintance out of
some " cool thousands" at a sitting, to lounge
over the backs of our chairs. So we confine
our gains and losses within the moderate
bounds of a guinea. As high as this, we deem
it worth while to venture, in order to keep up
a sufficient interest in the game : but we al-
ways manage, with the utmost amiability in the
world, to let our gains and losses be reciprocal.
This is but innocent pastime, and its harmless-
ness does not make it, to me at least, the less
agreeable. It would be better for certain ladies
of my acquaintance, if they observed similar
moderation in their card parties. Gaming,
however, in our sex, is not now, what it was in
Evelyn"*s time — or even, so late as that of the
Duchess of D . If I knew it to be so, I
should certainly have taken an opportunity of
AN OLD MAID. 133
pointing the shaft of my satire against it ; as I
have done in other instances.
But 1 have forgotten to mention my room,
which I may call at once my drawing-room and
my boudoir, for it is scarcely large enough to
deserve the name of a drawing-room, and cer-
tainly too large to be, strictly speaking, a bou-
doir. It is a remarkably pretty apartment.
Its cheerfulness consists chiefly in the lightness
and elegance of pattern of the furniture, and
the reflection occasioned by two large looking-
glasses, at opposite ends of the room. A por-
trait of Lady Kate, by Harlowe, (a beauty,)
hangs on the left side of the fire-place, and one
of myself, by the same artist, on the other :
Alas I it is not quite finished , death snatched
off* the artist before he had rendered the por-
trait a perfect beauty. Of course, when I speak
of beauty in the portrait, I allude to the art-
ist's execution — not the charms it pourtrays —
let them speak for themselves. But I never
look upon that unfinished painting without the
most sincere regret that the artist's life was not
spared ; for being something of a connoisseuse in
134 CONFESSIONS OF
the fine arts, it is my firm opinion he would one
day have rivalled Lawrence himself.
Then, over the little table on which stands my
agate bowl, there hangs a small and lovely
portrait, by a Spanish artist, of St. Cecilia.
There used once upon a time to hang up some-
where in the room, a portrait of my old brother,
by Zoffanni : I always considered it a frightful
harsh-coloured performance, and should have
been glad to see it out of the way ; but since a
certain quarrel, which has taken place between
my brother and myself, I did not hesitate at
once to dismiss the portrait from the room.
For some time it was thrown into the lumber-
room, when I directed the servant to get rid of
it : he accordingly gave it to a chimney-sweeper,
who, I believe, turned a penny by selling it for
the decoration of a sign-post ; unless I was mis-
informed, it now hangs up, or did hang up till
lately, as the sign of the Saracen's Head on a
place called Snow-hill.
Besides these specimens, I have two beauti-
ful full-length ' Sir Joshua's', down in the din-
ing-room. One of them Lady Kate made me
i
AN OLD MAID. 135
a present of; she first sent it to my house
because she had not quite room to hang
it up in her own, which is nearly full of
paintings, of which she is as passionately fond
as myself.
Perhaps my readers think me too minute
in dwelling upon all these particulars : if I
am, I am sorry for it, but, being myself very
fond (as all my sex are) of sifting a story
to its dregs, I am silly enough to think
the same of my readers, and shall therefore
inform them that my curtains are of rose-
colour — my favourite colour. The paper of
the room matches with this, only that it is
perhaps a shade darker : two or three hand-
some old white and green china vases stand
between the windows ; and the balcony with-
out is filled with camelias and mignonette,
geraniums, and pinks. These flowers I take
great pleasure in looking at and watering; so
that, when by myself, I have a good deal
of occupation, besides that of my romantic
contemplations. What with romantic morn-
ings, cheerful evenings, pictures, flowers, and
136 CONFESSIONS OF
the friendship of Kate, — the admiration of
the men, the jealousy of the women, my
httle spaniel, my toilette, and my natural
good-temper, where can a happier maid be
found than Clorinda Mirabelle ?
I don't know how it is, I always feel more
satisfaction in passing the evening at my own
house than at Lady Kate's ; whether there
or here, she is ever the same charming, good-
tempered, amusing companion ; but then her
room does not please me so much as my own.
The furniture is not so much to my taste,
although very elegant without doubt : her
rooms are both larger and of more handsome
proportions than mine, yet I prefer my own
house to hers, as much as I prefer her to any
other woman I know.
It sometimes happens that we are not in-
clined to play at cards ; if so, we then amuse
ourselves with looking over an album, which
Kate has made with my assistance. It
contains various effusions, all of our own com-
position, both in prose and poetry : odd anec-
dotes also we insert in it, descriptions of cos-
AN OLD MAID. 137
tumes that have struck us in our summer
expeditions on the other side of the Channel.
These are embellished with an appropriate
design, either a landscape, or a figure, of the
costume of which is attached a description be-
low it; if the subject be droll, a caricature ge-
nerally stands at the top of the page. The
latter sort of drawing I leave to Lady Kate,
who is an excellent caricaturist. There is a
figure of myself in this style, as I generally
appear at an evening party ; and although I
am half inclined to be angry with her for draw-
ing it, yet it always disarms my displeasure by
its excessive drollery.
The album also contains other descriptions,
other characters and caricatures, which will
perhaps be reviewed at some future period, for
the amusement of my readers. All the land-
scapes are executed by myself: we both of us
paint prettily enough in water-colours, and I
am sure our album may boast of as much va-
riety, entertainment, humour, and originality,
as almost any bauble of its kind. In the sen-
timental portion of it, there is a fine figure of
138 CONFESSIONS OF
Albert, with a beautiful Indian back-ground as
a relief.
Besides having our album to amuse us, we
have between us a casket of cameos — a collec-
tion common enough, I dare say, but these are
favourites ; as we brought them with us from
Rome, in our earliest visits to the Continent
after the Peace. But neither the casket, nor
the album with all its conceits, nor pictures, nor
flowers, nor cards, afford half the pleasure that
our conversation gives us ; when these are all
put by, the last will often keep us up till a late
hour, unconscious of the rapidity with which
the time flies. It is at length time to separate :
— Lady Kate's carriage has been long waiting
at the door, and each fair maiden wishes her
fellow, a " good night !"
** x\nd rosy dreams, and slumbers light."
AN OLD MAID. 139
CHAPTER XI.
AN INTERVAL OF ANXIETY AND EXPECTATION.
The next morning, at about half-past two
o'clock. Lady Kate called as usual, and we took
our drive : the day being very fine, we went to
Richmond. I enjoy going there to look down
from the hill upon the river and the valley im-
mediately below. It is but lately that we have
left off riding in Richmond Park : we used,
occasionally, by way of change, to drive out
there, and get upon our horses close by the
Park. I was once a most adroit horsewoman,
but do not now like taking exercise on horse-
back so well as in a carriage.
When we do not extend our flight so far as
Richmond, we content ourselves with a drive
in the Park, and then we have homage paid us
140 CONFESSIONS OF
by various gallant youths on horseback, who
come one after another, poking their heads in at
the window, to change one or two words with
us ; I am, now and then, not sorry to see them
get their heads rapped against the window-
frame. — We are sometimes besieged by these
gallants rather more than is agreeable : — it is a
sad misfortune, in some respects, for damsels to
be so interesting and handsome as Lady Kate
and myself are : my career has sufficiently
proved the truth of this.
My head was so intent upon the events of
next Thursday, (it was now Monday,) that, as
I have observed, I had no inclination for going
out anywhere in Ithe interval ; so my evenings
were passed with Lady Kate : and numerous
were our speculations on the beauty of the
spectacle, and the distinguished personages that
were to be present at it. A conversazione and
an invitation to see a party of children amused
by an Italian juggler, were declined on account
of my, perhaps childish, anxiety about the ball.
Anxiety was it, indeed ! for from this present
moment to that of the eventful evening of the
AN OLD MAID. 141
gaieties, I can scarcely say how many consul-
tations there were between myself, Lady Kate,
and Eugenie, as to different parts of my dress.
What conflicting opinions were there, too, be-
tween us upon the comparative fascination of
my appearance in pink or white ! But pink
was the colour fixed on by the Miss Quizzetts
— a most delicate pink, like the first blush of
the opening rose-bud in Spring. Our gowns
were to be ornamented with a slanting chain of
white and red roses alternately, in front— ex-
cessively becoming to me! (I must really give
scope to my characteristic naivete.) As to the
arrangement of my hair, I consulted two or
three French hair-dressers about it at different
times. I ultimately resolved upon sending for
Isidore on the evening of the ball. I lost no
time in apprising the man that I should want
him " on Thursday next, — at such a particular
time :" — when he sent me back word, that he
had orders to wait on two hundred ladies or
more, before he could possibly come to me ;
since their orders were all previous to mine.
I was too angry to believe the man spoke the
142 CONFESSIONS OF
truth : the fact is, I suspect he did not much
relish the idea of dressing my hair, since the dye
with which it was saturated, used to stain his
fingers so, that he could scarcely make a decent
appearance to dress the hair of any other lady.
This I take to be the real reason of his excus-
ing himself from attending upon me.
Since, then, I was unable to procure Isidore
on the evening of the ball, I was determined
that he should come now and give Eugenie a
lesson, so that she might supply his place,
against that great occasion. Accordingly he
came: and the girl, adroit and clever as she
was, soon became mistress of the instruc-
tions he gave her ; so my heart was in some
measure at rest upon this point. As for
ornaments of dress, every thing was to be in
character : a wreath of roses was to adorn my
head, in the place of the diamond braid I
generally wear when I wish to look most bril-
liant and dazzling. (N. B. — This diamond-
braid was presented to me once on a time, as a
small token of attachment from a noble and
AN OLD MAID. 143
despairing lover.) Whether I shall wear my
large necklace of topazes, I do not know : they
give my skin an eclat certainly — of that I am
sure. I must consult Lady Kate about wearing
them or not.
Eugenie admires ray ball-shoes, pale pink,
with a white rose at the instep. She is struck
with the pretty minnikin size of my foot — silly
child ! I fancy she wishes to flatter — she says
that it is the prettiest she has seen in her life :
she does not make a bad use of her eyes either,
generally speaking. Eugenie certainly is a
girl of taste : she admires me uncommonly, and
always says I am in good taste, and very dis-
tinguished in my appearance. Now I like this
— ^because it is candid in the girl. A moment
ago I called it flattery, but I am willing to
change my mind ; Eugenie is too sensible a
girl to flatter.
Will these little remarks on my own person
make me incur the imputation of vanity. If
they do, alas ! what defence can a sprightly
and engaging maiden offer, but by an appeal to
144 CONFESSIONS OF
her want of sophistication, natural naivete, and
perfect ingenuousness of disposition ? Are the
playful observations which she makes on her-
self to be called by so harsh a term, as that of
" vanity ?*" — rather consider them as so much
pretty and becoming self-complacency.
I could obtain but little sleep on the night
preceding the looked-for day of the gaieties. I
remained awake, and heard the clock on the stair-
case strike every succeeding hour from one till
four. Four hours of sleeplessness, — not tedious
indeed, but anxious, — did I endure. They were
spent in thinking over my dress, my appearance,
my figure, my tout-ensemhle. First did my
thoughts turn upon the glitter and glare, the
din and gaiety of the ball-room — now upon the
elegant figure of my partner, Arthur Quizzett,
" making the agreeable," by my side— -now they
contemplated his sisters on the opposite side of
the set, one of whom had as her partner, the
Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz Hum-
graussen Theodoric GgouszkerzschofF Von
Blosterbomb.
AN OLD MAID. 145
At about a quarter past four o'^clock I fell
into an agreeable slumber, and reviewed in my
dream all that I had just been ruminating on,
and what is curious, with more minuteness
even than before ; to be sure the sleeping dream
was not quite so systematic as the waking
dream had been, but hurried me backwards
and forwards, now to my looking-glass from
the ball-room, now to the ball from the dress*
ing-room : — here, I saw Eugenie all solicitude
and adroitness ; — there, I viewed my partner
all smiles and attention at my side. A thousand
mirrors sprung up before me, behind me, by
ray side, above, below, reflecting my form, and
extorting from me a confession of its elegance.
I receded — still they exhibited my retiring
graces. The dance was now in operation— the
music sounded in my ears— my heart beat with
satisfaction — when suddenly a hubbub seemed
to spring up, and a confusion to ensue : the
gaieties were all at once obscured by some
cloud of mishap, as I thought — what it was,
I had not time to learn— for I was suddenly
VOL. I. H
U6
CONFESSIONS OF
aroused by Eugenie, just as I was on the verge
of the catastrophe — she was gently pulling the
sleeve of my bed-gown to awaken me.
As soon as she had effected her purpose of
unclosing my eye-lids, she asked me if I knew
what oVlock it was.
" No ; what o'clock is it ? it cannot be very
late — you have awakened me from such a de-
lightful dream."
" It is time it were finished then," replied
Eugenie ; " for it is half-past two o'clock."
" Past two, Eugenie ! Good gracious, then,
let me get up immediately ! Is Madame De-
lia here with my dress !"
" Yes, she is, indeed — she has been here this
full half hour. What could have made you
sleep so long this morning, Miss Mirabelle,
may I ask ?"
" I had no sleep, child, last night ; that is
to say, not till four o'clock — my thoughts were
?o occupied by all that is to happen to-day, or
rather to-night. But give me my dressing-gown ;
I must get up without further delay.''
I slipped on a pair of pale grey silk stock-
AN OLD MAID. 14)T
ings, and put on my dressing-gown. Eugenie
asked if she should bring up Madame Delia :
this I desired her to do directly, and at the
same time to let me have breakfast as soon
as possible.
She had scarcely gone out of the room when
my eye glanced upon the dial of my watch, which
at night, when I go to bed, I place in a blue
morocco stand. The hour was later than Eu-
genie had said. I could not repress an invo-
luntary exclamation of surprise and discomfi-
ture at the advancement of the day ; for late it
was, when I considered that I had various ne-
cessary commissions to perform, with reference
to the circumstances of the coming evening. So
I was anxious, as soon as I could finish trying
on the dress, — not to mention composing myself
afterwards from the nervousness attendant on
such a ceremony, — to order the carriage and
forth on my commissions.
Up came Eugenie, accompanied by Madame
Delia : the full-length stand glass was placed
in the most advantageous light. Eugenie fixed
it in the best position, while Madame Delia and
h2
148 CONFESSIONS OF
myself proceeded to put on the dress. After
she had fully arranged it upon me, but not till
then, I ventured to direct my eyes to the glass,
timidly inquiring of it, the account it should
give me of my appearance ; — but I was relieved
from all apprehensions at the first glance — the
dress became my figure, and my figure the
dress, to a miracle. It looked quite enchant-
ing ! Madame Delia was dismissed with smiles,
praises, and approving nods of the head, —
Eugenie and herself having assisted in taking
off the dress again, and depositing it with due
care in the most spacious region of my ward-
robe.
The carriage was ready at the door the mo-
ment I had finished dressing. I will confess
to my reader, that the object of my expedition
was to provide myself with a fresh supply of
the peculiar hair-staining essence, or dye, before
mentioned. There is no one item which tends
to swell out my perfumer's bill to such an
amount as this ; having a fine thick head of
hair, I consume a great quantity of the dye to
darken it properly. If possible, the dye is a lit-
AN OLD MAID. 149
tie too blue — rather too much of a purple tint.
Still there is no reason in the world that this
should be unbecoming. A " blue beard," as it
is called, in a man, is admired as a most beauti-
ful feature : why then should not hair of a blue
tint be as becoming when on the head, as on
the chin ? There is no reason whatever why it
should not.
But this purpleness of tint on my head, leads,
by means of combination, to other and more
striking effects ; for as I always put a certain
portion (a judicious portion, of course,) of
rouge to my cheeks, the hues of the purple and
the red become apparently blended together,
and between them, cast upon my complexion
the hue of an Orleans plum — or as gardeners
call that fruit, an '' ar/ame."* It is certainly
a very original charm, and never fails to attract
the attention of all present. If I did not feel
that it elicited admiration as well as attracted
attention, I should not continue to wear it ;
but as I am too confident of this to be mista-
* By the by, the French name for the white buUace plum
is, '* la mirabelle.*'
150 CONFESSIONS OF
ken, I look forward to its forming as great an
attraction at the ball, as it did the other day at
Lord Frippington's dinner party. This it was,
no doubt, that excited such a sensation on my
announcement, and assisted in inspiring Arthur
Quizzett to show me those very marked atten-
tions, that he was this evening to renew.
Having provided myself with a cargo of the
essence, and some few other cosmetics, I pro-
ceeded to the arduous duties of my toilette.
I shall not put the reader's soul on tlie rack by
a detail of all mv suiTerincrs in that undertaking:
— my nervousness, anxiety, the pains I took
and the time I exhausted — time, alas ! would
there had been a little more of it ! With some
parts of my dressing, I am distressed to think
it, I was obliged to hurry : but, on the whole,
its termination beheld me shining with a lustre
of beauty and becomingness, tliat was far more
striking this evening than it had been on that
of Lord Frippington's party. Conceive me,
after the combined efforts of Eugenie and my-
self, equipped in all the adscititious graces of
fashion, and distinguished in those that were
AN OLD MAID. 151
natural to me. Conceive me, engaged be-
fore the looking-glass in the drawing-room,
now glancing my eye hastily over my figure,
now gratifying myself with a more deliberate
gaze, twirling myself about in all attitudes,
advancing, receding — receding, advancing — paus-
ing, approaching, and pausing again. A full
half hour witnessed me scrutinizing my ap-
pearance, now approving it piecemeal — now
dwelling on the effect of every grace of dress
and person combined — now admiring the ar-
rangement of the head — now the set of the dress
— the slanting chain of roses in front and ele-
gance of the flounces — now the prettiness of my
shoes — my gloves — the arms on which they
were drawn — the graceful fall of the shoulders
— the slimness of the waist — Hogarth's line of
beauty, so conspicuous in my neck — the gentle
swelling of my bosom — the modest protrusion
of my stays, that bespoke me not too much
embonpoint, but still of a fair and becoming
plumpness, such as Rubens would have de-
lighted to dwell upon, as a model for the figure
of a Virgin Mary. I say, conceive all this.
152 CONFESSIONS OF
Conceive an air of distinction pervading the
whole appearance that I have described. See
my eye lighten with satisfaction at the contem-
plation of myself, and the smile (which I chid
as it arose) more than half inclined to display
itself. See my countenance alter all at once —
behold my frame thrill for a moment with timid
agitation (not indeed painful), while my fea-
tures are betraying a transitory expression of
nervousness, as the loud double rap thundering
at my door, proclaims that my party have called
to take me up on their way to the ball.
AN OLD MAID. 153
CHAPTER XII.
THE EVENTFUL EVENING.
How pleased my partner seemed to see me !
His countenance strikingly wore that satisfied
look that shows itself when any agreeable
expectation has been answered more fully than
our hopes had presaged. He, no doubt, found
me looking handsomer than he had ever
reckoned on.
There were two carriages : one was occupied
by Lady Frippington and the three Misses
Quizzett ; the other by Lord Frippington,
myself, and my partner, Arthur Quizzett.
My dress, luckily, did not get rumpled ; we
proceeded so slowly in consequence of the great
line of carriages, in about the middle of which
H 5
154 CONFESSIONS OF
we were, that all motion quicker than a mere
crawl, was prevented. Now and then we were
sensible of a jolt, as the coachman availed him-
self of any little vantage ground that might at
intervals be conceded him — as the foremost
carriages were discharging their freights, and
wheeling off to make room for those in their rear.
Not the satisfaction of a warrior after he has
received the thanks of a nation for a victory
— nor that of a witty author after having con-
cluded a sentence with one of his brightest
sallies — not the joys of a gourmand over the
delicacies of his plate — of an artist over some
choice and cherished gem of his cabinet — could
exceed mine, as I was ushered into the wide
spectacle of splendour, fashion, and gaiety, by
my gallant partner, Arthur Quizzett.
Our entry attracted immediate attention :
all eyes were particularly turned upon myself.
I could see by the smile of admiration what
an effect my appearance produced. What with
the striking sort of purple complexion which I
have described myself as possessing, — the colour
of my hair — the superiority which my maturer
AN OLD MAID. 155
charms had over the comparatively babyish
prettiness of the Misses Quizzett, I do not won-
der at the admiration I awakened.
" A very fine girl that !" I fancied I over-
heard Sir William Jokington remark to a per-
son near him. — '* An amazing eclat about her
countenance/' replied the other, with his eyes
turned up to the great chandelier over our
heads. — " You will not see such another figure
in the whole salon," rejoined the Colonel, put-
ting his glass up to his eye, and looking round
the tiers of boxes which were crowded with
rank and beauty.
The Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz
Humgraussen Theodoric GgauszkerzschofF Von
Blosterbomb, had now strutted up to Lady
Frippington and her daughters, bowing and
curling up his sandy mustachios, with a most
frightful grimace. After saying two or three
words to Lady Frippington, he asked Lucy
Quizzett to dance. The other two, Sophia and
Caroline, were already leaning on the arms of
George Arven and Lord William, and it was
not long before " the Spring Season" (by far
156 CONFESSIONS OF
the most elegant and tasteful set in the whole
salon) stood up and formed a quadrille. I
shall not, of course, dwell on a description of
myself in the dance ; but let the reader ima-
gine me sailing in conscious dignity through
" Vtte,^' or holding my arm gracefully up
in the chain of " la poule.'''' Now, if the
reader be one of my own sex, let her read
without envy. Unmoved, let her view my form,
twirling about in the rigadoon step, instead
of the balancez ; — I cannot help still dancing
that rigadoon, having been used to it from
a child in the old cotillons.
If the reader be a gentleman, let him pause
over this picture, either in mute admiration,
or with exclamations of delight, as it may suit
him — let him conceive the fascination of my
look as it beamed with approbation of my
partner's gallantry, whether in advancing hand
in hand, at the commencement of the figure,
or at its conclusion — let him wish himself in
that partner''s place, touching the soft kid that
enfolded my taper fingers, and smiling with a
consciousness of the distinction which he enjoyed.
AN OLD MAID. 157
I doubt whether those elegant girls, the
Misses D , in the same set with me, (cou-
sins of the Quizzetts) attracted so much notice
as myself; though they are persons whom all
must admire.
I must say for young Quizzett that he really
danced his best that evening ; he was all cheer-
fulness, all sprightliness and satisfaction : it
would have been very odd if he had not been
so — a beautiful spectacle around him, and a
fair partner at his side I What more could a
man wish for ? He must indeed have been
made of harsn materials, had he not been ani-
mated into gaiety by such incentives.
The Baron Van Blosterbomb was decidedly
jealous. I saw him cast two or three looks
at Arthur Quizzett, that bespoke there was
something more passing in his mind than he
would have wished to express, but which he
could in vain hope to conceal by his counte-
nance.
After the quadrille I walked round the room,
or theatre, leaning on the arm of my partner :
I looked about for Lady Kate, but could not
158 CONFESSIONS OF
see her at that moment. I met numerous
acquaintance of distinction. The Royal Prin-
cesses were presiding over the gaieties, as ladies
patronesses of the entertainment. Of course
every body of distinction was present; but I
flatter myself that nobody attracted more no-
tice than myself.
A valtz now succeeded, to the satisfaction of
the Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz
Humgraussen Theodoric GgauszkerzschofF
Von Blosterbomb, who straddled up to me,
grinning from under his sandy mustachios, and
politely solicited the honour of valtzing with me.
Sweet man ! affable diplomatist ! though his
mustachios were diabolical, yet his manners
were fascinating. With an inclination of my
head, turned graciously, and gracefully too,
on one side, — a gentle protrusion of the chin, —
drawing down my mouth with a pretty pout-
ing smile, — I conferred the honour solicited
of me, and placed my arm in that which the
gallant Von Blosterbomb offered me.
The music soon set the couples in motion.
The Baron led with me. The bystanders must
AN OLD MAID. 159
have had a charming treat ! Myself, such as I
have pour tray ed myself — the Baron, dressed
for the occasion, in full uniform, — whiskered,
booted, and spurred :— by the by, his spurs
once or twice slightly grazed my heel, and
made me feel an inclination to ejaculate ; but
the brave fellow grinned in my face, as much
as to say, '' You must expect this in waltzing
with a militar}^ German Baron !" Then his
flaming red — (what shall I call them ? — dear !
dear ! — there is no other word — so not to mince
the matter, I must say at once) — ^breeches, that
fitted beautifully tight ! — a gold-laced jacket,
that came down to his waist, terminating behind
in a bob-tail, surmounted by two sugar-loaf
buttons — all gave him such a noble air. If he
had bent himself a hetle less forward, towards
his partner, and a leetle less backward towards
the ring of spectators, his attitude would have
been perfect.
The valtz was no sooner over, than we se-
ceded from the ring, of which we had been the
ornament, to walk about and converse, for as
to sitting down it was impossible ; there was
160 CONFESSIONS OF
no such thing as a seat to be had, and the
trouble of fighting our way up to a box, was
too great to be worth our while to encounter,
though there was a place for me in that which
Lady Kate''s friends occupied.
We conversed in French : the Baron spoke, not
the best English, nor much Italian, and I, not
a word of German. While I was yet thinking
of my friend Kate, my eye lit upon her form ;
she was standing leaning against the pillar by
the side of the stage, engaged in endeavouring to
stifle the propensity to merriment about some-
thing or other. As this was just in her silly
way, I thought little about it, especially as
there were two or three gentlemen whom I
knew to be facetious characters, talking with
her.
I begged the Baron to come up towards her :
he had been introduced to her, although their
acquaintance was but slight. When I had ap-
proached quite close to her, she said some-
thino; to me in a low voice — at the ter-
mination of which, she put her handkerchief
up to her mouth, to prevent herself from
AN OLD MAID. 161
laughing — while I was as nearly bursting into
tears. I preserved my composure for a mo-
ment, and begged of her to withdraw with me,
and suffer me to speak a word with her. She
did so. I had no sooner passed beyond the
pale of the gaieties, than I gave vent to my
feelings of mortification, by bursting outright
into tears, which it was no longer in my power
to repress.
Lady Kate, who was an excellent-hearted
creature, forgot her merriment in compassion
for my distress, and with her own hand ap-
plied her handkerchief to my eyes. By the
assistance of one of the gentlemen who had
been talking with her, she managed to find her
servant, and get me safe off in the carriage. It
was long before I could recover my composure,
in spite of all my friend's consolatory exhorta-
tions to be pacified, and not to mind what had
happened — that it would be forgotten the next
day. But her consolation was of no avail : my
mortification could not be so easily appeased,
or my chagrin dissipated. For weeks and
weeks I secluded myself from society, and was
162 CONFESSIONS OF
confined within my own doors by indisposition,
as well as shame and confusion ; for weeks and
-vveeks did I continue to upbraid Eugenie, for
the dreadful oversight, the inexcusable stupidity
— the wilful malice, as I termed it in my distress
— of which she had been guilty.
Let the reader judge for me, whether I, who
had fancied myself so much admired on the
evening's festivities just now described — fancy-
ing myself, too, well worthy of such admiration
— flattering myself that all the pains I had
taken at my toilette were not in vain — that the
observation I had excited had been attracted
solely by my charms — that no other cause than
this had inspired the gallantry of my partners : —
let him judge, I say, whether I had not just
cause for mortification, when I discovered that
instead of all this, I had been an object of uni-
versal ridicule — that the whole company had been
amusing themselves at my expense — that my
partners had only played a part, in showing me
off to their gaze and mockery ; for, will it be be-
lieved ! I had actually omitted to No, I have
not courage myself io describe the cause of my
AN OLD MAID. 163
grief and humiliation ; I must transcribe the
catastrophe from the newspapers, which were
full of little else but jokes on the subject, for
a whole week afterwards. The following is a
specimen of these obnoxious paragraphs, ex-
tracted from a morning paper : —
" The celebrated elderly maiden lady, with
whom all the world is acquainted, without the
necessity of our giving her initials, made rather
a singular mistake at her toilette on the evening
of the late grand ball. She presented a most
curious appearance, which we can describe by
HO other term than that of ' pie-bald.'' Every
one who has any acquaintance with her pe-
culiarities, must be aware that the lady in
question uses Essence of Tyre to disguise the
snows with which invidious Time has sprinkled
her locks ; but, by an unhappy oversight, only
the front part of her head appeared coloured
on the evening in question, forming rather a
curious contrast to its hinder part, which still
was left in its wintry livery of grey. She
certainly deserves the thanks of the public for
the amusement which she has afforded them.
164 CONFESSIONS OF
We are confident that no farce, no burlesque,
no pantomime, ever more completely secured its
effect, than this oversight of La Belle M
We will say no more. We have heard it in-
deed observed, that ladies of a certain age, in a
state of single blessedness, are apt, on occasions,
to fortify their nerves with cordials. This we
believe to be a vulgar error. We can hardly
suppose that the lady in question forgot what
she was about at her toilette from any such cause.
Her head, perhaps, might have been turned, but
not with (we should hope not, at least, in her sta-
tion of life) any ' strong waters.' We recom-
mend more prudence in future ; and advise
other ladies, in a situation similar to that of
the subject of these comments, to take a warn-
ing by her example." — Morning Post.
This paragraph, I must further confess, is
copied by me, third hand, from a Sunday paper,
which had inserted it second hand, from the jour-
nal cited. Vulgar, scandalous sneers ! I could
not have incurred more derision had I been
guilty of a score oifaiix pas ! Alas ! that I slept
so late on the morning of the ball ! This was
AN OLD MAID. 165
the unhappy cause of the scramble which the
whole remainder of the day presented ! Hurry
in dressing, and misfortune in conclusion !
Heavens ! what lauffhin^ there must have
been at the club-houses in St. James's Street,
amongst the officers ! What envious laughter
at Lord Frippington's ! What tittering all
through the country ! Oh, good gracious ! I
was at the time nearly driven frantic at
the idea !^
The circumstance of my malicious partner,
Arthur Quizzett, calling to see me on the morn-
ing after my disgrace, was as cruel as the ex-
posure itself of which I had to complain ; the
plaguing inquiries of all my acquaintance for a
whole week afterwards, were a torment. I had
* After all. Miss Mirabelle's exposure is not so bad as many
that could be instanced. Amongst all that might be recounted,
that of * La Muskerryy' in De Grammont, is, perhaps, the most
dreadful. In justice to the reader, the editor must observe,
that though the colouring in the present instance may be a little
heightened , yet that, generally speaking, the fair author's deli-
neations, particularly those relating to her own menage, or her
own peculiarities, (to say nothing of the characters on which her
satire is exercised) are actual portraits from existing originals.
166 CONFESSIONS OF
no peace — my street-door was assailed from
morning until night ; my house was one intole-
rable and upbraiding echo : my tears were
wiped from my eyes in vain — I was ashamed to
look even Lady Kate in the face — my old bro-
ther called — I would not see him. He came,
as he afterwards informed me by a note, to offer
me some consolation. Thousjh at first his visit
enraged and irritated me ; yet I have since had
an idea that his intentions were kind. I could
support the sight of no one — the smile that
would encounter me, or the distortion of the
muscles produced by endeavouring to suppress
it, would either of them be equally mortifying,
and too much for me to bear. Eugenie was
discarded, and was received by a lady who had
once or twice expressed her approbation of her :
all my servants, excepting the little black, Mun-
go, were dismissed, and new ones hired in their
places. Mungo not long afterwards left me,
and went to live in the service of Kate, who had
taken a fancy to him ; and instead of being my
page any longer, he became her's.
I determined on leaving town as soon as I
AN OLD MAID. 167
could : to slay to the end of the season would
be more than I could endure. Change of scene
and place, I felt to be the only remedies in my
present state of agitation — the only means by
which I could hope to be brought to myself
again. Gracious ! dreadful is it to reflect on the
shocking exposure I had made of myself ! At
the time at which it happened, I really never
expected to recover from the shock it occasioned
me.
168 CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER XIII.
A SHOPwT CHAPTER, BEING A BULLETIN OF
HEALTH.
Feightened, however, as I was, at the idea
of seeing any body else, I managed to summon
up courage enough to admit Lady Kate when
she called as usual. Her natural love of mis-
chief and malicious playfulness were now for-
gotten in her endeavours to console and put me
in spirits again. She was indeed a most kind-
hearted, compassionate creature, and on the
present occasion I do not know what I should
have done without her.
Alas i how blind are people to their own de-
fects ! I, who had so everlastingly found en-
tertainment in the oddities or absurdities of
others — of my old brother — of my cross, prud-
AN OLD MAID. 169
ish cousin and her husband, of Sir Roger Tag,
and various others, was now crest-fallen myself,
and the object of public derision.
The good-humour and amiability of my
friend Kate brought me by degrees to myself
again, through the course of a long absence
from town, during which she accompanied me,
at first on the continent, and after our return,
to two or three places on the sea-coast.
So much did I regain my spirits and wonted
composure of mind, that on the commencement
of full season in town, I felt that I should have
sufficient confidence to make my appearance
again in society ; so I determined to put a good
face on the matter, and accept invitations as
before. Two or three elopements and a glaring
case of crim. con. served to keep my exposure
in countenance ; and the joke against me was
now growing weaker and weaker every day. I
therefore shunned the presence of nobody, only
with this diff*erence in my appearance, that I
discarded the use of Tyrian Essence, and con-
cealed my time-honoured, and essence dis-ho-
noured locks under a handsome cap, from be-
VOL. I. I
170 . CONFESSIONS OF
iieath which some becoming false curls supply
the place of my own : their colour is a dark
auburn. I have also left off rougeing, to the
extent I used to carry it, so that my complex-
ion has no longer that " plum bloom*" about
it, which it once had. If now and then I dab
on a little rouge, it is very sparingly and faintly
applied — scarcely perceptible, indeed. There
may be some excuse in my retaining the use
of this, since it is a habit to which I was early
reconciled, by seeing every body when 1 was
a child wear it as a matter of course. I
wonder people do not now do so : some few
perhaps do ; but not the generality. Rougeing
is a part of dress ^ the object of which is to make
the appearance as becoming as possible; and
if judiciously and slightly applied, rouge is a
most decided embellishment.
My appearance, as may easily be supposed,
is by these reductions in my toilette, conside-
rably altered—not to my own satisfaction, I can
assure my readers, although the world says, in
its carping way, that I have been brought to
my senses. I am certainly not nearly so fasci-
AN OLD MAID. 171
Dating as I was before. I am not the young,
girlish-looking thing I used to be ; the change
of coiffure and decoration altogether, has robbed
me of at least twenty years in appearance.
Come ! come ! after all, I do not look so very
old — still, however, I look more like an old
maid now, than a young one Albert !
Albert ! couldst thou now see me, what
wouldst thou say ? Alas ! cruel thought !
My looking-glass now began to upbraid me,
and brought to my recollection the lines of
Prior, on the subject of regret over beauty
that has faded. I grew less fond of looking
at myself in it. It was some little time before
I could get reconciled to the cap and false curls.
I began to entertain serious thoughts of seced-
ing from the ' gay world,' and retiring to a
cottage which I purchased not long ago in the
country : — more of that hereafter.
On the whole, I am able to inform my friend,
the reader, (who I am sure at the end of the
preceding chapter must have been anxious about
the state of my nerves and my health,) that I
had recovered from the blow my spirits had
I 2
172 CONFESSIONS OF
sustained ; and though I went out less into so-
ciety than I had before been accustomed to do,
yet I was once again cheerful whenever I mixed
in it, and a fit companion for my dear, whim-
sical friend, liady Kate.
Let it not be a matter of surprise that I should
be restored to my wonted confidence, when we
see, every day, " knaves and fools," in the teeth
of the most gross exposures of their roguery and
absurdity, still showing themselves in the world,
armed in native brass, — kept too in countenance,
as they are, by thousands as impudent, absurd,
and knavish as themselves. Dear me ! how se-
vere my misfortunes have made me. It is no
wonder that I speak thus, under so strong an ex-
citation of feeling. The restitution of my con-
fidence, however, conveys a lesson with it, which
may be as well not thrown away — which is,
that in trivial, and pardonable instances of ex-
posure, such as my own, people should not be
too sensitive under derision — that they should
not suffer themselves to sink under the storm of
temporary obloquy : they will find things come
round in time, and their own lapses forgotten
AN OLD MAID. 173
in those of their neighbours, who will, no doubt,
soon succeed them in the same slippery path.
Advice such as this, is of course not intended
to be addressed to those that can be guilty of
knavery and foolery of a grosser nature: I
mean, such as those to whom I alluded a mo-
ment ago ; they, however, have a great deal too
much impudence, too much shameless effron-
tery, ever to be in danger of sinking under any
obloquy, stigma, or derision, however strong
and however just.
BOOK THE SECOND.
THE OLD maid's ROMANCE.
** In questa guisa gradirei ciascuuo
Insidiator di mia virginitate,
Che tu dimandi amante, ed io, nemico."
Aminta.
BOOK THE SECOND.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTION. " LA BELLE MIRABELLE"
BETRAYS SYMPTOMS OF CRAZINESS.
" Why, dear me, Ma'am ! what can be the
matter with you this morning? Miss Mira-
belle ! .... Ma'am! .... Why, I 'm quite frighten-
ed ! .... Ma'am ! . . . . Miss Mirabelle ! I must
send for the medical men this instant, I 'm
sure ! . . . . Why you are surely ill this morning,
your hair too is all disarranged, and hanging
about your shoulders so !— and you look so
wild ! your eyes fixed first on the ceiling and
then on the paper before you — and writing so
fast .... I can't think what can ail you. Ma'am,
this morning. I shall not be easy till Mr. Dos-
ingdon has been ' fetched,' and Lady Katharine
too."
i^
178 CONFESSIONS OF
Such were the expressions of surprise uttered
by my maid, Cautely, a decent, middle-aged
woman, whom I had lately engaged. She was
going out of the room to put her threats into
execution, when I called her back; and told her
that she might send for Lady Katharine if she
pleased, but that, as for the attendance of any
medical man, there was no necessity for it, as
I had nothing at all the matter with me, and
therefore begged that her fears might be quieted.
She looked very incredulous, in spite of my
assurances that I was perfectly well, and was
hardly satisfied with sending for Lady Ka-
tharine, in doing which, she lost no time. The
servant soon executed his commission : scarcely
had he returned, before her Ladyship made her
appearance. She hurried up stairs, and entered
my room almost out of breath, and looking
very eagerly at me.
" My dear Clorinda, I am quite alarmed :
your servant brought me word that my attend-
ance was required immediately, as you were
very ill and almost out of your mind."
I put down my pen, smiling at her uneasiness
AN OLD MAID. 179
about me, telling her not to be frightened :
that I was not out of my mmd, and was really
inclined to be angry with Cautely for sending
her any such exaggerated message.
" Well, really,'' replied Kate, *' I do not
wonder at the woman's mistake ; you look most
singularly strange this morning. What freak can
have come into your head ?"*"'
" Why, if you wish to know what I am
about, I am writing a romance."
" A romance ! gracious ! but why could you
not have completed your toilette before you
sat down to write ? I do really think that you
are a little cracked."
" No such thing," said I, much amused, ar-
ranging my dishevelled locks under a cap as I
spoke ; "all this disorder proceeds from the
hurry in which I was to indite my thoughts —
(I am but following the example of Mrs. Rad-
clifFe. Joanna Baillie, Miss Edgeworth, Lady
Morgan, and other great blues) — if I had not
made haste, they might, perhaps, have evapo-
rated, and I should have lost a pretty begin-
ning that I had hit upon."
180 CONFESSIONS OF
C6
Upon my word," replied Lady Kate,
your romance ought to be very precious
after all this anxiety in its birth ; — and, pray,
who is your hero ?"
" There will be many heroes ; but no hero
par excellence.''''.
'' What ! no hero ?"
*' No, — yes, — perhaps there may be, too : —
but" the principal person is a heroine.**
" Well, then, who is your heroine ?""
" Why, who should she be but myself!"
" Yourself ! Oh ! you are penning a little
piece of autobiography in a romantic shape ?
A pretty idea, no doubt ; but what put it into
your head to set about such a thing ?"
" You know, I go out much less than I used
to do ; and as I have often thought of amusing
myself by reviewing, on paper, the past scenes
of my life, which have really a good deal of
interest about them, I thought I might as well
employ my time in this way as in any other."
" I suppose that by ' reviewing the scenes of
your past life,' you mean that you are about to
recall the absurdities of those charming gentle-
AN OLD MAID. 181
men, whose portraits hang up over the mantel-
piece in your bed-room ? Is that it ?"
" Why, certainly, I cannot omit making
them a prominent feature in any history of
myself, and shall assuredly not spare their
follies."
"But you can never make them all figure
on your pages.""
" Oh, no ! not half of them. I shall confine
myself to speaking of those only who have
any peculiar character about them."
" You will do rightly — but is your work
to be entirely comic, or rather comic satire ;
or is it to be both tragic and comic alter-
nately ?''
•J
" I suppose it will be chiefly comic, or, as
you suggest, a comico- satiric romance, since
I have to deal with so many absurd and ludi-
crous persons; but previously to launching into
the middle of their vagaries and my own, I
intend being serious for a time."
" Why, Clorinda, is it possible you can ever
be serious ?"
" To be sure I can, when I please ; how can
182 CONFESSIONS OF
I help being so, when I revert to scenes which
are in themselves painful to my recollection ?
You do not suppose that the vanities of dissipa-
tion have rendered me so completely vapid that
I am not capable of a serious thought ?"
" Oh, no ! I have too much opinion of your
sense when you think proper to exercise it : —
nay, some few months ago, I was thinking that
you had been rendered so marvellously sober,
that you had forgotten not only the vanities
you speak of, but your romantic inclinations as
well."
" I was, indeed, sobered at the period to
which you revert; and who would not have
been so, by such an exposure as I suffered ?
But no temporary shock, however severe, can
stifle the romantic spirit which is natural to me.
It is not my fault that I am romantic — I can-
not help being so."
" Well, keep your romance within steady
bounds.""
" That, I promise you, I will, — until the pe-
riod arrives at which I can let it out without
full effect, in all its "
AN OLD MAID. 183
" Fantasticality^^'' said Kate, as she finished
the sentence for me.
" You are laughing at my undertaking too
soon ; that is unfair. Now, I assure you, on my
word, Kate, I do not intend treating you with
either fantasticality or mock-sentimentality for
some time ?"
" Indeed !"' replied Kate, looking more se-
rious, " then you are really going to attempt
the true romantic style for some little time. I
am glad to hear it, and will, therefore, address
you more in earnest : I could not tell hitherto
whether you were joking or not."
" But, my dear Kate," I continued abruptly,
" you must not talk to me any more at present,
either seriously or jocosely, or I shall lose my
train of thought, and the thread of my story.
So you must positively not interrupt me until I
can speak to you : there, pray amuse yourself
in any way that best suits you."
" But let me see what you have written?"
said she.
" Oh, I have not written much yet."
" Well, never mind, let me see what you
have written.""
184 CONFESSIONS OF
((
There !" I replied, handing her as much
of the MSS. as I had accomplished; "now
you must really let me continue without any
more interruption.**'
" Why, there is a good deal of it," she ob-
served, as she took the sheets from my hand.
" Yes, I was occupied the best part of last
night in writing, being in the humour for it.*'
I said no more, but continued my labours,
while Kate commenced conning what is forth-
with submitted to my readers.*
* It should be observed, that independent of the object of
this second book, as expressed in the above introduction, it
also serves as the basis of various events that take place in
the Tliird and Fourth Books. The introductions of these
three books were written at the same time at which the books
themselves were, and not subsequently prefixed, as in the
instance of the introduction of the First Book. — CM.
AN OLD MAID. 185
CHAPTER II.
A RETROSPECT OF THE SPRTNG-TIME OF LIFE.
SpRiGHTLy as I may be even at this certain
age at which I have arrived, yet Httle do I ap-
pear so, in comparison with the hght-hearted
thing I once was, when the tide of animal
spirits was at its height, when the happy sea-
son of life was its fifteenth summer — when no
foot mounted the hill-side more nimbly than
my own, or brushed away its dews more light-
ly — when there was none of all my cotem-
poraries whose locks wantoned more gracefully
in the breeze, whose voice was softer or more
musical^ — whose eye was more arch and spark-
ling — who was more animated in the dance,
gayer at the festival, more engaging in the
domestic circle — more cheerfully content when
186 CONFESSIONS OF
roaming whither happy thoughtlessness might
lead, through verdant meadows, or shady cop-
pices, culling the violet at the tree's foot,
where it shrunk concealed in the wet mosses
and wild ivy . . . None was there more devoted
to the elegant indulgences of the mind ; more
sincere in the worship of genius, more sensible
of the enchantments of poetry, the harmony of
measure ; more awed too by the precepts of wis-
dom : none either, whose heart was more alive
to the voice of affection, the sympathies of
friendship, the sacred sensibilities of charity.
That the retrospect of this happiest period of
life should affect me, is natural : I view it with
sensations similar to those produced by the con-
templation of a far-stretching and sunny land-
scape, whether witnessed in the face of Nature's
wide portraiture, or in the magic imitations of a
Claude, — which binds us long to the spot, to lin-
ger over its beauties ; and awakens in the soul
a tranquil regret when we have at last prevailed
on ourselves to quit it !
I had not yet made acquaintance with the
world; my knowledge of society was confined
AN OLD MAID. 187
to the circle of my own family ; I was ac-
quainted with none but domestic scenes, and
the intercourse of relatives and friends. I was
free as a deer, in inclination and in limb, to
indulge in what innocent pursuits I liked ;
at what times I liked ; and to wander about
as the waywardness of my fancy prompted me.
When I state this, I think it will scarcely
be wondered at that my character should have
imbibed a spirit of romance, even had it not
been natural to me, — which it was.
My sisters were smiling on me, and bidding
me look forward to the new scenes of gaiety
to which I should soon accompany them, to
balls more crowded than those at my father's
mansion; to dinners, concerts, and assemblies.
My heart was panting for the hour when I was
to be " out," as it is called. The anxiety
about my appearance, which at a more ad-
vanced period of my life may be viewed with
ridicule or censure, was now excusable; my
vanity was puzzling itself in what dress I
should make my first appearance. — Though
188 CONFESSIONS OF
it may appear childish, yet I cannot help re-
membering how much my fancy had been taken
with a pair of blue satin shoes, with fihgree
work below the instep, which one of my sisters
had; and which was just at that time in fa-
shion :^ nor have I forgotten the delight with
which I tried on a pair that had been made
for me after their model. — A portion of every
day was devoted to arranging my hair in the
manner which would show off the prevailing
fashion with the greatest becomingness. Such
and such a curl was again and again placed and
replaced a little forwarder or more backward,
a little higher or lower, as my fanciful doubts
alternately suggested. My glass was repeat-
edly consulted as to my looks, my countenance,
my complexion, my carriage : with difficulty
could I quit my station before it : if I did, it
was to observe with what grace of step and
air I could recede, and then so satisfied was
I with myself, that I could not forbear coming
• Miss Mirabelle need not be at any great pains to excuse
herself : the childish reminiscences of Rousseau, and even
Goethe, are a thousand times less excusable than hers. — Ed-
AN OLD MAID. 189
close up to it again, to renew the satisfaction
of seeing myself again recede from it. At
last, when I tore myself away, my head was
still thrown back to catch a glimpse of the
elegance I had been studying, and the graces
which I hoped would challenge remark.
Let any girl, with the prospect of just " com-
ing out" to be criticised and examined, ask
herself if she does not indulge in the same
little vanities I have confessed of myself at
that period ? If she he handsome, to antici-
pate the admiration which her beauties will
elicit: if she be not handsome, in order to
endeavour to set off her appearance by the
most effective arrangement she can adopt.
It was on the verge of this eventful crisis
in a girl's life — it was on the dawn of this ac-
quaintance with worldly vanities — that a cloud
overshadowed my sun of gaiety: it was dark-
ened by mourning the most bitter. My eyes,
which had glistened in expectation of a new rou-
tine of happiness, were doomed to be moistened
with tears of anguish, the bitterest that can
try the heart of a child. Every bright vision
190 CONFESSIOKS OF
that I had been cherishing, was suddenly ob-
scured by a sad reality. I was left with my
sisters without a guide, without an instructress —
I had almost said, without a friend — for what
kindness, what attention, can ever make up
for the endearing presence, the heartfelt solici-
tude, the tender assiduity of a mother ?
Three unhappy orphans, we were left to be-
wail our maternal loss, with the one bitter con-
solation of mutual regret. The hill side was
abandoned, the forest glade no more smiled for
us ; its green thickets had none of their wonted
freshnf :'S ; the merry orchard with its full
tribute of blossoms, smelt no longer sweet —
Nature looked no longer lovely.
How bitter was the first time that we walked
arm in arm, weeping and silent, on the lawn
where we had so often accompanied the mother
we had lost. Her image was still there, but
her countenance, her sweet approving smile, her
kindness no longer cheered us. What a deso-
lating blank spread itself before our souls:
what a sickening weight of grief hung upon our
hearts, and betrayed itself in our countenances !
AN OLD MAID. 191
Change of scene could do little for us till after
a time. I well remember the mournfulness of
our journey as we quitted home on our way to
a relative in London. It was a cheerless,
dreary morning, and the dew-drops collected
by the mist, fell heavily and slowly from the
trees that overarched the road. Every now
and then a solitary crow flapped its wings slug-
gishly across our way. All Nature seemed
oppressed and in weeds; every thing looked
sorrowful, desolate, and unhappy like ourselves.
Our journey being at its conclusion, we were
landed, silent and with aching hearts, at the
door of our aunt, Mrs. Elflyn, in Portman-
square.
19^ CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER III.
AN APPEAL TO THE HEAIIT OF AN ORPHAN
DAUGHTER.
The circumstances of this unhappy period
are so strongly impressed upon my mind, that
I may be excused pausing for a moment, to in-
dulge in a reflection or two which they suggest,
previous to introducing the readers to my re-
lative.
None but those who are, or have been, in the
situation in which I have described myself and
my sisters, can be sensible of all that we felt;
or know the extent of bitterness experienced by
a daughter in the destitution of that parent to
whom she most naturally looks up, for support
and protection.
With respect to my eldest sister, she had
AN OLD MAID. 193
been for some months past under an engagement
of marriage ; myself and my second sister now
earnestly recommended her to emancipate her-
self from the domination of female relatives
(which is one of the miseries entailed on losses
such as ours), and direct her thoughts to the
alliance which she had in view. When I speak
of the " domination of female relatives," I
allude particularly to such only as we were now
about to encounter, from whose character, no
less than their nearness of affinity, we might
have reason to apprehend interference, and
perhaps of an arbitrary kind.
As for the alliance to which my sister was
looking, we were the more earnest in exhorting
her to think of its accomplishment, since it had
been approved of, and was so far rendered
sacred, by the sanction of that departed one,
who never advised any measure that she did not
consider as likely to conduce to our welfare or
happiness.
It was now that we felt what a difference
there is in the smile of a vc^eve friend, (to use
the language of the world,) and of a mother.
VOL. 1, K
194 CONFESSIONS OF
Where could we now look for the sincerity which
we had found in her ? In whom could we re-
pose that confidence which we had felt due to
/ier, and which we had ever placed in her ? Sin-
cerity is the great attribute of a parent"'s affec-
tion : we know, we feel, we are sure that it is
not fickle, not professed, — that it dwells in the
soul, and that we may place confidence in it.
Sickening is it to contemplate the smile with
which a regard of mere professions masks itself:
painful and disgusting is it to see the mouth dis-
torted into a grimace with which the coimte-
nance cannot speak in concert. In whose bosom
could we now pour forth our anxiety or uneasi-
ness of mind ? To whom could we apply to dis-
pel its indecision or allay its disquiet ? Where
was now the friend to whom we had looked as
fondly, for correction of its deviation, as for en-
couragement of its laudable inclinations ? To
whom could we now impart our feelings as be-
fore ?
Alas ! the time was gone, when there was not
one little want, not a wish, however inconsider-
able, not one cause of disquiet the most trivial.
AN OLD MAID. 195
not even one giddy whim, to which utterance
was not given as soon as it was conceived. Did
there yet chance to lurk unrevealed a lingering
thought of heaviness, it was detected by her who
saw into our hearts ; its confession was antici-
pated, and its sting disarmed : if it merited re-
proof, it was chid by admonition that derived
force from its very mildness : if it was deserving
of sympathy, it received it : if it asked for
consolation, sweet was the balm that was admi-
nistered for its assuagement : if it was need-
lessly cherished, the mind was at once disci-
plined to discourage it : if hopelessly, to aban-
don it. Every sentiment that proceeded from
a source like this, breathed of cheerfulness, con-
tent, or animation. Prudence, benevolence, wis-
dom, spoke in the voice of affection. What-
ever might be the burthen, our heart was never
constrained to retain it; it threw itself open,
and was, for the most part, instantly relieved of
its weight.
But now, amongst our relatives, however un-
disguised we might have wished to be, there was
much which we were obliged to suppress, and
K 2
196 CONFESSIONS OF
even at times to dissemble ; we found it in many
instances no longer in our power to be frank
and undisguised. We were obliged to be hypo-
critical in spite of ourselves; we were obliged
to stifle our wishes, to dissemble our uneasiness,
to disguise on many occasions our feelings, and
suppress our thoughts, or, at any rate, not to
give full expression to them. There is no feel-
ing so painful or so degrading to an ingenuous
mind as this sensation of concealment. We
were indeed at present strangers to happiness,
as much so as we had before been acquainted
with it.
The tear that would now and then involun-
tarily rise, would testify how much of our former
happiness we had lost, and silently declared the
fulness of our regret for all the ingenuous cheer-
fulness and freedom which we had once enjoyed.
The bird that spreads his wings in a cage, and
finds his flight impeded by the wires, is not
more a prisoner than we were. He regrets not
the use of his pinions more than w^e did the con-
straint of which I am complaining. What girl
AN OLD MAID. 197
will not attest the truth of all that I have been
saying, that has known the happiness of a mo-
ther's love ; that has been taught to mourn the
bitterness of her loss, amongst relatives such as
those with whom we now found an asylum.
198 CONFESSIO>:S OF
CHAPTER IV.
A SPECIMEN OF FRIENDS.
We were received by Mrs. Elflyn and our
cousin, her daughter, with an unnatural show
of sympathy, and a constrained kindness of man-
ner, of which we were painfully sensible the
moment we were in her presence. It was a
pity that our aunt had ever asked us to her
house on the present occasion ; but she had
done so purposely for the sake of removing, by
a show of attention, certain unfavourable im-
pressions which she felt we cherished towards
her. She considered that we esteemed her as
cold and unfriendly in her feelings with regard
to ourselves.
In this she was not mistaken, and her own
conscience must have told her that we were jus-
AN OLD MAID. 199
tified in thinking of her as we did. We cer-
tainly should never have accepted her invita-
tion, had we not been desirous, in our disconso-
late condition, of quitting the scene of mourning
for a time, especially as no opportunity was
offered us of going to the residence of any other
relative, than that of Mrs. Elflyn. Besides
this, she was one of our nearest kindred, —
being the sister of our lost parent, though as
different from her as it was possible for any two
human beings to have been : the one all amia-
bility, benignity, mildness, virtue and dignity
— a rare combination of personal and mental
endowments : Mrs. Elflyn, on the contrary, was
possessed of no amiabiHty whatever, but ren-
dered disagreeable by an asperity of manner,
that afforded a sad and striking contrast to the
suavity and kindness of our mother.
If ever she relaxed from unamiability, her
kindness was all put on, and it was painful to
witness the effort it cost her in doing so; so
evident was it that she was playing a part. In
our present circumstances, she could not, in
common humanity, treat us with the asperity
^00 CONFESSIONS OF
which she had on former occasions always shown
us. To have gratified her usual spleen in our
present afflicted state, would have been little
less than barbarous ; so she made up her mind
to soften her tone and manner towards us with
as good a grace as she could.
Miss Elflyn was worthy of her mother in dis-
position. As to her appearance it was remark-
able for excessive dowdyism : her gait was
an awkward, disagreeable waddle — her head
lolloping about from side to side in unison with
a jolting movement of the hips. Her dresses
were always costly, and in the height of fashion,
but do what the mantua-maker could, she never
managed to make Miss Elflyn look well. There
are some persons whom you may squeeze and
screw and case up in corsets, and bandage with
sashes, but all to no purpose.
Her features were large and coarse, and her
complexion muddy ; and as I could not pay
them any better compliment, were I to enter
into a more minute description of them, I shall
not say anything farther about them. I am,
above all other persons of my sex, the least
AN OLD MAID. 201
inclined to hurt the feelings of other women, by
invidious notice of their disqualifications, either
in intellect or appearance. I have never har-
boured any spirit of unkindness, or indulged in
detraction to the prejudice of any one of them,
as far as my career in life has hitherto extend-
ed ; for when young, I really saw so little in
other girls which I thought I had any need of
envying, that the sensation never entered my
breast. I do not wish, in saying this, to praise
myself, but think I may be excused for doing
myself justice, in speaking what is merely the
truth.
I shall be sufficiently describing my aunt's
person and appearance, by saying that she
looked very cross, and that her image was re-
flected in the person of her daughter. Our
presence, though self-solicited as it had been
by Mrs. Elflyn, was evidently annoying both
to the mother and daughter. We were so much
superior both in appearance and natural intel-
lect, as well as in acquirements, to the daughter,
that she could not like us, and consequently
we were little more agreeable to the mother,
K 5
202 CONFESSIONS OF
*' Well, my poor dear girls !"*' said our aunt,
after a few moments of tearful silence on our
part, after the ceremony of salutation was over,
" be comforted. There is every thing here to
make you as happy as you can hope to be, under
your present circumstances. You know your
aunt always feels for you in the kindest manner
— dry your tears, dear girls ! — Mary, you had
better show your cousins their rooms — they will
like to see their things taken out and arranged
after the journey."
" I am sure. Mamma, you need say nothing
to my cousins of our regard for them : they
must know that, better than we can tell them —
but, come, will you walk up stairs with me ?''
All these words were marvellously kind in
sound, (though, to be sure, uttered in a sad
canting drawl,) but still there was a hollow
formality attendant upon them, which only in-
creased the heaviness with which our hearts
were already oppressed.
We had the same cause of complaint through
the whole period of our visit, which was not
above five or six weeks, by the end of which
AN OLI> MAID.
203
period we were so heartily tired of our amiable
relatives, that we resolved on returning home as
soon as we could : and although it was to be
met, with so many mournful recollections, yet,
there, we had at least the consolation of being
able to give our sorrows scope, and to throw off
that constraint of which I have above com-
plained. On the expiration of our visit, we
were not more ready to quit Mrs. Elflj^n, than
she was willing to see us take our leave of her.
I have stated some tolerably strong reasons for
her disinclination towards us, but I might, if I
pleased, state more. There was one cause of
disapprobation which she had not indeed now
any reason to entertain, but which she had for-
merly conceived against us, when she had seen
us at home, and under different auspices : —
this was that frankness and ingenuousness of
character, the forfeit of which I have some
little time ago regretted as so painful : she
thought proper to consider this as altogether
inconsistent with the rules of " good breeding,"
as she called it. The fact is, we were neitlier
affected nor hypocrites : this was exactly what
204 CONFESSIONS OF
we were not^ and what she and her daughter
were : but this they considered eminently well-
bred. Our notions of breeding and good taste,
formed on the model of one who could not mis-
guide us, both on account of her native elegance
and knowledge of the world, were very much
at variance with those of Mrs. Elflyn. That
her's were erroneous was evident, since I am
certain it was from a secret, though not avowed,
dissatisfaction with them and with herself, that
she chose to find fault with us. The source of
all her dislike towards us was envy ; and this
was the parent of coldness, denial of confidence,
suspicion, misconstruction of our thoughts,
words, and actions. Such dissociality of feeling
between us was not very agreeable, and there-
fore it will be no matter of surprise that our
visit at Mrs. Elflyn's was not of long duration.
The portrait that has been given of her
daughter, has I think sufficiently identified her
with that, in which my cousin, Mrs. Crone, has
at an earlier stage of this memorial been de-
scribed. Such was the girl, and such turned out
the woman ; I may consider that if there were
AN OLD MAID. 205
no other reasons for our mutual dislike, suffi-
cient have in this chapter been given — but there
were other and cogent reasons, as my future
pages may discover.
However disagreeable our visit may have
been, I must in candour admit that we were
relieved during its continuance from those ap-
prehensions of being domineered over, which
we were reasonably inclined to cherish on first
entering the doors of our aunt.
X
206 CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER V.
A COMPANION FROM THE CRADLE.
I TOO, as well as my sister, had my attach-
ment and my admirer ; I had heard the avowals
of his devotion for me, and they had sunk
deeply into a heart ready to receive them.
They had proceeded from one whom I ha<i
loved as a child; and our families living in the
neighbourhood of each other, we had been
brought up, I may almost say, together. His
extreme youthful beauty, his romantic wild-
ness, his countenance corresponding with, and
bespeaking his character, his generosity of dis-
position, his independence of spirit, his freedom
of air, his boyish fortitude and love of enter-
prise; all charmed my heart more and more
as I ^rew up, and prejudiced it so much in
AN OLD MAID. 207
his favour, that it despised every other less ar-
dent character, as tame and insipid in compa-
rison with his.
I need not explain that the person of whom
I speak, is the same, whose name has already
escaped my hps in the very first pages of this
work; but not now will the mention of that
name be regarded by the reader in the same
light in which it may hitherto have appeared ;
if he was then inclined to ridicule the idea of
the Old Maid still dwelling upon the affections
of her youth, he will now contemplate them
with a very different feeling, and as cherished
at their proper season. It would not be worth
my while here to enter into a justification of
the tenderness which my first chapter repre-
sented me as encouraging, when youth had long
passed away. It would perhaps be in vain to
endeavour to persuade my readers to contem-
plate seriously the constancy which is there pro-
fessed for this attachment of my youth ; still,
however, it is no less certain that such attach-
ment is to this day cherished by me. And why
should not it be ? Will not Nature attest that
208 CONFESSIONS OF
the heart can be sensible of early affections,
though the season that beheld their birth may
have passed away, and the outward lustre of
youth faded ? The Old Maid, alike reckless of
incredulity or ridicule with respect to what
she may now be advancing, appeals confidently
and proudly to the aifection she has declared
herself as cherishing through so long a lapse
of time ; she appeals to it in testimony of
the fondness, the fidelity, the sacred sincerity,
the ardour of its first encouragement in her
youth. Now at least, in the recollections of
this spring-time of her life, may she approach
the declaration of her early love without the
apprehension of being jibed at. She may recall
the form that was then her most cherished
vision ; she may dwell upon emotions that then
glowed freshly in the soul, and pronounce the
name of Albert Conroy, without awakening in
those that hear her, a sentiment repugnant to
the dignity of the most sublime of passions !
" Well defended !" exclaimed Lady Kate, as
she was reading my MSS. " You vindicate this
AN OLD MAID. ^09
memorial of your early love with spirit; but
there was no occasion for your being so parti-
cular either, because you are speaking now of
a season of life consistent with the romance of
love — every body must be aware of that."
" Yes, but then I wished also to vindicate
the reasonableness of my fidelity to it, up to
the present time."
" Very true, I was going to have observed
that also. I assure you, I think that you have
done so with success."
" I am glad to hear you say so, for above all
other persons, your satirical propensities would
lead you to find exception if you could. "'*'
" Really, I never wish to be needlessly sati-
rical ; but consider it in much better taste, as
well as feeling, to be as merciful as I can.
With respect to the pages I have hitherto read,
I hardly expected to find in them so much of
the pathetic tone."
" Oh ! so much the better for the character
of my romance ; but you must let me go on
with it, if you please ; and as you have read all
that I have to show you, suppose you leave me
210 CONFESSIONS OF
to myself, that I may have the more to put into
your hands the next time you come to see me.*"
" Very well," replied Kate ; " I see you
wish to be alone, so I will do as you desire. I
go this evening to a card party at Lady Daw-
lish's, and am sorry you are unable to accom-
pany me ; so good bye."
Accordingly, she left me to continue my
MSS. with the description of young Conroy.
He was about three years older than my-
self. His hair was of a dark chesnut colour,
and hung in knotty curls over his neck and
down the sides of his face. It was at that time,
the custom for boys to let their hair grow to a
considerable length. His eyes were dark and
large, a fine florid hue suffused his cheeks, and
his look bespoke the health and vigour that
he had imbibed with the air of his native
Scottish hills. No roe was more wild on the
plain than he was, or could bound over it more
lightly ; there was not a brake, not an avenue
of the glen, not a thicket, with which he was
unacquainted. With the wildest haunts where
AN OLD MAID. 211
the heathcock lurked, was he familiar ; across
the border none was better acquainted with the
covert of the fox, and the most daring adven-
tures that the sportsmen below the Tweed can
court, he took delight in. The days spent in
quest of the grouse — the emulous strife to be
first in the chase — every dexterous feat on
which the angler prides himself — every manly
exercise that youth can excel in — had all of
them enjoyment for him.
He possessed a spirit better adapted for more
heroic times than the present ; and he was un-
fitted by his genius and his education for the
life which he found himself doomed to pursue,
ere he arrived at man's estate. Not that he
wanted ' wit' amidst all his wildness : his mind
was as keen as his eye, and his powers of ac-
quirement as vigorous, or rather as impetuous,
as his ardour in manly recreations and exer-
cises. He did not, indeed, waste the education
offered him at our schools and colleges, though
he endured it with impatience, and rushed
through it with a struggle to emancipate him-
self from its discipline as soon as he could
212 CONFESSIONS OF
Never did he dream of the fate that awaited
him, when he was called on to act his part in
the pursuits of life — it was a banishment to a
distant and scorching clime, with the promise
indeed of future opulence, but the probability,
if not the certainty of death, ere he could even
hope to attain it.
He visited me in town, just before his de-
parture to India, a few weeks after our sorrow-
ful departure from the spot of our home and
his : it was then that he clasped my hand for
the last time ; the first in which I ever saw a
tear bedim his eye. It was a sacred tear, for
he shed it, not only on account of his separation
from me, not only because he saw that a tear
trembled in my own eye at the thought of los-
ing him — but in sympathy for the sad change in
the condition and appearance of myself and my
sisters — he shed it, too, in regret at the recol-
lection of the many happy hours we had enjoyed
tosrether from our cradles, — in tenderness for
the time at which he first breathed to me the
love which we had been, I may almost say,
brought up to feel for each other.
AN OLD MAID. 213
Alas ! of what avail is all this painful re-
miniscence ? What has, since that period, be-
come of him ? What has been the history of
his fate ? What has reached me concerning
him for these many years? Is he lost and
gone ? I know not. Did he fall a victim to
the climate ? I cannot tell. Did he meet death
in the eastern service, in which his disposition
might have led him to take a part ? I have
never heard. Mystery has hung over his fate
for years, and has incHned me to the beHef that
death has some time closed his career and every
memorial of him. Yet still do I cherish the
hope to hear that he is alive, and may one day
return to his country, and to those who still
cherish the remembrance of him.
The last intimation I received of my lover,
was by a letter which he sent me from Deal on
the eve of his embarkation — that letter I have
to this day preserved — it runs as follows. I
quote it as a rare specimen of a reasonable
yet affectionate address in matters of this na-
ture : —
214) CONFESSIONS OF
*' My Dearest ....
" The thought of separation from you be-
comes more and more painful as its certainty
approaches nearer. Heaven can alone know
whether I shall ever see you again. I sail to-
morrow, and cannot tell when you will be likely
to hear from me again. Will you remem-
ber your promise to me ? Or am I unreason-
able in constraining you to preserve your pledge
to me inviolable ? Absence, long continued
absence, must efface impressions even the most
fond, and weaken affections which were once
the most deeply impressed on the heart.
*' In the instance of Si first love, I may at least
hope, that the impressions which you cherish
may not be discarded upon any slight provoca-
tion ; I may at least hope, that he who shall
supplant myself in your affections, may be
more worthy to hold a place in your heart than
myself. Let me hope that you will not give
it up, to a suitor who can bring no better recom-
mendation than his purse or his pedigree, only.
Do not let me think that you could throw your-
self away upon a man who has not the recom-
AN OLD MAID. 215
mendation of a generous spirit, an exaltation of
character, an independence of soul — as well as
of circumstances.
" But I am afraid that I do but tire you. You
will say that these sentiments are dictated by
jealousy: if they were, they would justly merit
your disapprobation, but they are not so — they
are the offspring alone of that deep depression
of spirit, which has succeeded to my natural ar-
dour, on account of the lot I am compelled to
undergo — the thought of which, accompanied
as it is by the loss of yourself, makes me mi-
serable at the idea that it is possible you may
be thrown away on some person unworthy of
possessing you. It is a bitter thing to leave be-
hind all that one has any regard for in the
world — for my country is little to me without
you; my native hills have but little charm,
unless I could range them with yourself. Why
am I doomed to this banishment ? — for the sake
of what I scorn — the prospect of gain. Every
thing in this life seems destined to act by con-
trarieties : my elder brother, who has no object
of affection (as I have) to think of, remains on
.^16 CONFESSIONS OF
the spot, from which I am torn to regret the
loss of all for which I would wish to live. He
looks upon these scenes of my boyhood, with-
out any of the feelings with which / should
contemplate them. Why, then, is he not taken
away, and myself suffered to remain ? Cruel
dispensation of a capricious, wayward, unjust
and undiscerning destiny I
" I will no longer uselessly complain, but
finish this farewell communication to you, by
conjuring you by all those vows we have mu-
tually breathed, and which I may be allowed
to esteem sacred ; by all the happiness in which
we have participated, from our earliest childhood,
in each other''s society ; by that congeniality of
soul that drew our hearts towards each other,
and riveted them in bonds of affection, — not
easily (I may once again hope) to be broken —
to believe that no image but your own can ever
be present to my recollection, and that my love
for you is sacred and unalterable.
" Albert Coneoy.'"
I was interrupted at this moment in the con-
AN OLD MAID. 217
tinuation of ray romance, by two or three trou-
blesome acquaintance that came one after an-
other to call upon me, and so much delayed
me th at Iwas unable to resume my pen till some
hours subsequently. I wrote on, in hopes of
having a tolerable quantity to show Lady Kate
the next morning ; but what was my surprise
when, instead of being greeted as usual with
her presence, I received a note from her, men-
tioning that she was about to quit town for the
country, upon an affair that she could not at
present impart to me, but which should be re-
vealed to me in due time, and would, perhaps,
occasion me some little surprise. " What can
the whimsical creature be about ?'"' I exclaimed
to myself; '' and why does she keep the sub-
ject of her movements a mystery ? I long to
know what she has taken into her head : she
really might just as well have told me what she
is at.""
It may be supposed that I puzzled myself a
good deal to find out what could be the reason
of my friend's running away from town so
suddenly, and why she made it a secret to
VOL. I. ' L
S18 CONFESSIONS OF
myself, to whom she confided every thought
that came across her mind. It was in vain that
I tortured my wits to discover the cause of the
mystery ; I could not possibly guess how to
unravel it ; so I gave up the attempt as hope-
less, and addressed myself again to the con-
tinuation of my manuscript.
AN OLD MAID. 219
CHAPTER VI.
THE KETtJllN' HOME AND RECOLLECTIONS OF
THE VISIT.
My father had gone to the residence of some
friends in Derbyshire, at the same time that
we had come up to town to our aunt. Thither
had we written to him, begging his immediate
presence, in order to take us back to Scotland
as soon as he conveniently might. He did not
long delay, and, accompanied by my brother,
soon conveyed us back to our native region.
If our departure from home had been bitter,
our return to it was little less so. The moun
tain, that rose behind the site of our house,
seemed to lower with a more melancholy gloom
than its barrenness had ever worn before : the
lake, where stillness had never yet inspired
L 2
220 CONFESSIONS OF
melancholy, was sad to desolation : the cry of
the bittern sounded differently in our ears than
it had been wont to do,* and mournful was
the echo of its note.
Every thing wore a hideous and repulsive
aspect — every thin^^ seemed altered. What
was looked upon tefore with pleasure, was
now, so much heaviness to our soul : whatever
had once breathed of solace and of cheerful-
ness, now scowled with discomfort, despondency
and gloom.
We scarcely knew the domestics again in
their weeds of mourning : they had faithful
and feeling hearts, unlike the menials in a dis-
sipated town. There was the steward, with
his long grey locks, his head drooping down-
wards, and abject countenance : there was ray
mother's favourite attendant, whom she had
brought with her from England, so long ago as
her marriage, expressing the language of her
heart in tears of unfeigned distress. I will
* " Along thy glades a solitary guest
The hollow-sounding bittern guards its nest."
Deserted VUlase, — Ed.
AN OLD MAID. 221
not analyze this painful picture more minutely,
nor expatiate at any greater length on these
trying moments of our return.
The lapse of time gradually infused a balm
into the smart of our sorrows; the objects
around us began to re-assume somewhat of
their wonted aspect, and the landscape by de-
grees to smile with that cheerfulness which it
had lost.
If change of scene had not been our object
in our late removal from Scotland, we might
have found a retreat in the residence of our
neighbours, the family of my absent lover ; but
their abode was fraught with recollections as
painful as our own. On our return from town,
the companionship and consolation of these
true friends, operated much in shaking from
us our gloom of mind. A new scene, too, on
the stage of mortality was now, after some
little time, to be performed — this was the mar-
riage of Albert Conroy's elder brother, a puny
youth, in comparison with his younger brother,
and whose marriage was concerted more by
the management and wishes of his own family.
222 CONFESSIONS OF
than from any inclination or will of his own.
Not very long after this event, another of a
similarly festive nature took place in the cir-
cumstance of my elder sister's nuptials. Her
admirer held a high rank in the army, and
was anxious to accomplish the alliance, which
had for a long time been in abeyance, pre-
viously to joining his regiment. She was de-
termined to follow him, and did so. In the
revolution of another year from the time of
these events, I found myself more and more
lonely, in consequence again of the marriage
of my second sister also ; and as my brother
was constantly absent on his vocations, I was
thus almost altogether deserted ; for my father
being much of an invalid, was but little society
for me, and my friends, the Conroys, were
at this time absent from home.
It may well be supposed that such complete
solitude was painful to one of my sprightly and
cheerful disposition. My attention being seldom
called off, by conversation, to employ itself on
indifferent and diversified topics, was ahnost
entirely directed to the recollections of the
AN OLD MAID. 22l5
past : the scenes around me challenged reflec-
tions of this sort, since they spoke of the happy
days of ray childhood, and brought the pre-
sence of my youthful lover constantly before
me. They also presented me with other forms
besides his own. I used to roam along the hill-
side, dreaming of my sisters and my mother,
and could figure their forms still beside me.
I would look for them, and start to find myself
alone. Yet painful as these reveries were, it
was a gratification to me to indulge in them,
since the subject of them was most dear to me.
Not so agreeable were the recollections that
brought me back to my unamiable aunt and
her daughter, which they now and then w^ould
do : together with the various circumstances
that took place during our visit in town. Of
these, then, I shall proceed to take some notice.
My cousin had been brought * out ' into
society, some three or four seasons previously
to the time at which we were in Portman-
square. She had figured in the first circles,
in all the lustre of wealth and fashion ; but the
object of her njother's anxiety — an advanta-
224 CONFESSIONS OF
geous matrimonial connection for her, or even
any offer of such an event, had not yet been
made her. It was no wonder, then, that she
was mortified at finding that my eldest sister
was under an engagement of marriage, which
she was looking forward shortly to fulfil ; and
also that my second sister, Constance, and
myself, had our admirers. We did not per-
mit the constraint imposed on the expression
of our feelings in other respects to control us
on the subject of our respective attachments.
It would indeed have been impossible to have
suppressed the mention of this, since the agi-
tation which I so plainly betrayed at the ap-
proaching absence of my lover, forced me to
the utterance of what was passing in my mind.
But all this emotion in the eyes of my disap-
pointed aunt and cousin, was dreadful ; espe-
cially as my cousin one day came into my room,
and found me sobbing over a letter I had re-
ceived from my lover, of a date prior to that
which the reader has seen. This exposure was
perfectly dreadful in her eyes! It was of
course reported to her mother as the most sad
AN OLD MAID. 225
instance of passion, she had almost ever heard
of — nay, prudery, which has ah*eady been
seen to be one of the characteristics of mv cou-
sin, suggested that it was positively indelicate
and improper.
The recollection of this uncharitable and un-
just conduct, has always enraged me with her,
whenever it has occurred. There are no people
so mean as those, who, because they cannot
reach the level of those they envy, indulge their
rancour and disappointment in splenetic, ma-
lignant, detraction of them ; vainly hoping to
lower the merit or superiority, which they can
never rival, to their own standard, or if pos-
sible, to reduce it to a degree even still lower.
Of course Mrs. Elflyn was wilKng to add fuel
to the flame which her daughter had kindled.
Exaggeration was heaped on exaggeration, re-
lative to my ' conduct^ as they called it ; and
between the two, I dare say, I was made out to
be one of nearly the most indecorous of my
sex.
If my cousin had not entertained feelings so
hateful as these towards me, I could still have
L 5
226 CONFESSIONS OF
been on good terms with her : but traits, such
as these, betrayed so much of unkindness and
unworthiness of character, that I have never
been able to reconcile myself to liking her. It
is difficult to say which of the two was most
deserving of reprehension — the daughter who
could be guilty of such meanness and malignity,
in putting so harsh an interpretation on my
passion, or the mother who could encourage
her in doing so. The world sustained little
loss when the last of these was taken from it ;
nor will it, I think, sustain much more, when the
unamiable presence of the first mentioned of
this pair, shall be also missed in society.
As Albert was to pass through town on his
way down to the sea-coast, I anticipated a visit
from him as certain. I endeavoured to dis-
suade him from calhng, as I told him that an
interview was almost impossible, and that his
presence would be anything but agreeable to
my aunt and cousin. A.t the same time I half
hoped and knew, indeed, that he would disregard
my admonitions, for I longed in my heart to
see him. He came as I had expected ; and as
AN OLD MAID- Ji2T
1 hat! advertised him it would be, our meeting
was d^'prived of all satisfaction by the presence
of those who could only view it with disappro-
l)ati()n. He imposed on himself a miserable
constraint in speaking to me before Mrs. Elflyn
and her daugliter, for my sisters were no in-
terruption to us. We were anxious to say a
thousand things to each other, but it was im-
possible to utter them in the situation in which
we were placed. The impatience he felt was
too visibly depicted on his countenance, and
being of such an impetuous disposition as he
was, I am rather surprised he did not give vent
to his feelings : he had more for})earance, how-
ever, than to do so, and maintained his compo-
sure by consoling himself with the resolution of
obtaining an interview with me under circum-
stances of less constraint, before he left the
country.
Not long after this unsatisfactory visit, I
received a note from him, in which he so ear-
nestly intreated me to compass a secret inter-
view, that I was unable to disobey it. My
sisters considered me so justified in complying
^28 CONFESSIONS OF
with his wish, that they aided my endeavours
to accomplish what he requested. We ma-
naged to let him know the exact time at which
our aunt and her daughter would be out, and
then it was, that he availed himself of the op-
portunity of speaking to me the last words that
I ever heard fall from his lips. The language
of this parting visit between us would be too
well understood to require any explanation,
even if I had not already breathed the spirit
of it through my pages a short time ago.
But oh, envious fate ! or chance, or what-
ever the influence might be, that brought about
the disaster — my lover was even yet tearing
himself from us, when Mrs. Elflyn and her
daughter returned from their expedition with
most unreasonable precipitation — they entered
the room, and beheld the scene that was pass-
ing !
If prudery had before taken alarm at my pe-
rusal of a love-letter, of what a shock would not
its scrupulosity, now, be sensible — how would
-it not now be offended at the discovery, — the
direful exposure of a secret interview ! a siolett
AN OLD MAID. 229
interview ! the bare idea of which was suffi-
ciently dreadful, without the reality. I need
not say that every shadow of approbation, if I
could have hoped for any, from my charming
relatives, was forfeited now past all hope of re-
claim. The confusion w^hich their interruption
occasioned to my sisters, and most of all to my-
self, may easily be imagined. My lover, on
the contrary, was not disconcerted at all, but
with great composure and firmness, told Mrs.
Elflyn, as he quitted the room, that he was
fully aware that her good-sense and feeling
would make every allowance for the manifes-
tation of pain at parting, between those, who
after having been brought up to love one an-
other from childhood, were now doomed to be
separated, perhaps for ever.
^'SO CONFESS! ON b OF
CHAPTER VII.
THE SUBJECT OF THK REVERIE CONTINUED.
If I have said that my cousin had never
been addressed with any offer of marriage, I
was mistaken. An offer had been made her by
a character already introduced in these pages,
not so dignified at the time of which I am
speaking, as he has since become, both by aug-
mentation of professional rank as well as ma-
trimonial consequence. I speak of course of
the gentleman who has of late years made Miss
Elflyn, Mrs. Crone ; as gawky a young ensign
at the time I first saw him, as he is now a
gawky elderly colonel.
Ensign Crone was a devoted admirer, or pre-
tended to be so, of Miss Elflyn ; as to her
personal charms, his admiration must assuredly
AN OLD MAID. 231
have been pretended, although there is no ac-
counting for tastes; but with respect to the
charms of her fortune, doubtless his admiration
was real and sincere. But however this might
have been, the ensign's admiration, for whatever
cause it had been cherished, had certainly be-
come abated since he had seen myself and my
sisters at our aunt's house. He was a most
asinine young man, pretending to enthusiasm
and romance which he never felt ; he would
rejoice in extolling his profession, and rhodo-
montading on " hair-breadth 'scapes, seas of
blood, and perils of the field."
It was a pity, I always thought, that enthu-
siast as he professed himself about deeds of
chivah'y and prowess, his elevation in the army
was owing altogether to his interest with persons
of influence, rather than any wonder-working
heroism^of his own.
This Drawcansir, or Bobadil, took it into his
head to shift his affections from Miss Elflyn to
myself. As he had been admitted as an ad-
mirer of Miss Elflyn, no notice was taken by
the domestics, of his frequent visits ; he used to
232 CONFESSIONS OF
contrive to pay them just at the ' nick o* time,'*
when my aunt and her daughter were out of the
way ; and unfortunately he was never inter-
rupted in them, as my absent lover had been.
The moment that he had gained admission, and
had introduced himself into the drawing-room,
he used to precipitate himself at my feet,
sprawhng forward with an uncouth salam, as if
he were a mad Turk avowing adoration for
some supposed Sultana.
In this attitude would he swear his passion,
declaring with mighty asseverations, worthy of
Pistol himself, that he must put an end to him-
self, if I did not look on his suit with favour !
" Repay with even a transient glance of ecstasy-
awakening approbation, my passion's frenzy,
and ardour incontrollable ! !" — is a specimen of
one of his amorous despairing rants ; which he
delivered in the worst theatrical tone and style.
Scenes, such as these, did not happen more
than twice ; for whenever I had notice, which
I always took care to have, that he v/as on the
staircase, I used to withdraw into the back
drawing-room, or hurry up-stairs, if I had
AN OLD MAID. 233
time, to my room, until he was gone. But on
two occasions I was subjected to the annoyance
of his frightful and troublesome presence. The
idea of the man's talking to me '' of deigning
to look at him with favour T In sooth, a pretty
figure had I to look upon! How he could
suppose it possible for me to contemplate it
with favour, or any other feeling than that of
ridicule, or disgust, I cannot imagine. In vain
was it, that I remonstrated with him on the
unfitness of the period at which he was paying
his addresses to me, in deep mourning as I was,
and that, too, so recently put on. In vain was
it, that in relation to this, I reproached him for
conduct both outrageous and indelicate : to no
purpose either was it that I told him again and
again that I was pre-engaged, and that if I
were not, I could never find in my heart to
love him. The second occasion on which I
had to encounter his roaring, ranting, and rav-
ing, I repeated, in harsher language, all that
he had heard from me before. Nay, so much
was I vexed with his impertinence, that I lost
all patience, and told him that if he did not
^34
CONFESSIONS OF
desist from farther annoying me, I should get
him soundly drubbed to bring him to his
senses.
This offended my Hector's conceit, at the
time it was said, most desperately ; he abruptly
withdrew in high dudgeon, and angry with
mortified pride. But in a few days his passion
seemed to have gotten the better of his indig-
nation ; and, having found that it was useless to
endeavour to obtain an interview with me, he
had recourse to the expedient of scribbhng
notes, which I uniformly sent back to him un-
opened. Of one of them, by some inadver-
tency or other^ I broke the seal : a more ridicu-
lous piece of rant I never read in my life ; its
style was that in which Ensign Crone has just
been heard to speak ; it was hastily closed up
again, and directed back to the writer, as all
the former effusions had been ; but, as I re-
member pretty well its language, I may as
well offer a specimen of it, perhaps a little in
caricature.
" I have dared the brunt of battle: I have
AN OLD MAID. 235
sought honour at the cannon's mouth : I have
stood in the midst of red war's horrific din —
but never yet was I dismayed— never yet was
I agitated What influence, then, is it,
that now troubles the warrior's soul ? That
overwhelms his heroic breast ? Thy^ thy,
charms, thou divinest one ! I rave, I burn,
I die ! Yes, the warlike Crone raves, he
burns, he dies, for the charms of her who is
as haughty as she is fair — as cruel as she is
celestial !"
" To that unrelenting, loveliest, most im-
placable, yet divine one — Clouinda.""
How different, thought I, is this stuff from
the letter which Albert Conroy sent me !
Even after my return to Scotland did the
Ensign persecute me with his trashy effusions.
At length he became rather tired of having his
nonsense returned to him by post, unheeded,
and so discontinued annoying me any longer.
If a half-pay captain had been so unfortunate
and pertinacious in writing ill-fated letters of
this sort, as the independent Ensign Crone
236 CONFESSIONS OF
was, he must infallibly have been ruined by
the amount of postage.
Having failed in his suit with me, he again
addressed himself to the former object of his
admiration, my cousin, but was rejected with
indignation on her part, on account of his
infidelity to her ; doubly heinous, since it had
led him to pay court to a person already so
little agreeable to her as myself ; and now, if
possible, more offensive in her eyes than
before.
I can only suppose that he reinstated him-
self in her good graces by flattering her dis-
inclination towards me, in which he must
heartily have concurred, after the affronts
which he considered me as having heaped upon
him. As any treachery in love is for the
most part an irretrievable cause of displeasure
in our haughty sex, I cannot account for tr.e
moral phenomenon I have mentioned, of a
reconciliation between my cousin and Ensign
Crone, in any other way than that which I
have suggested ; unless possibly, as I have
observed in an earlier part of this work, my
AN OLD MAID. 237
cousin at length despaired of finding any one
else but the ensign who would marry her.
^ ^ ^ ^ tP ^ 'It
My reveries for the present had exhausted
themselves — I paused for a while to gaze upon
the scenes before me. Nature had again seem-
ed to put on that blank look, of which she
had begun to be disarmed, whilst my sisters af-
forded me their companionship. But thei/ were
gone, and all I loved was now torn from me. I
gazed upon the scene mute and sorrowful, till
my vision was obscured by the tears that rose
in my eyes. I returned home from my wander-
ings slowly along the hill-side, heavy at heart,
desolate and unhappy.
238 CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER VIII.
BEING A LINK BETWEEN THE PATHOS OF OUK
FAST SCENES, AND THE PLEASANTRY OF
THE FUTURE.
My solitude was broken through in a manner
not the most agreeable ; my father had been
lately so much of an invalid that his strength
sunk under indisposition. It was on the event of
his decease that I left my home, no longer to be
spoken of by that name in future. My brother
was not there, his bark was afloat on the tide of
human struggles and human ambition. I was
left the guardian of myself, happy in the welcome
of friends, (very different from Mrs. El fly n, or
such as her daughter had been to me,) whose
residences I was solicited to call my own, though
I was myself possessed of sufficient property to
AN OLD MAID. 2S9
be independent of them all If I pleased. As
for the family estate, untoward circumstances
had broken it up, and that is quite as much as
I wish to say about it.
Thus my life was, after painful domestic
recollections had subsided, rendered agreeable
enough ; my happy disposition assisted in heal-
ing the wounds inflicted by sorrow. Besides
my relatives, various kind acquaintances always
showed themselves eager to throw their doors
open to receive me, and were glad of my society.
In their gardens I roamed — in their parks I
rode — in their halls I danced — all were fond of
having me with them, and if I were to enter
upon the theme of acknowledgment for all the
kindness they showed me, I might fill half a
volume upon the subject. I should be unwill-
ing to mention any one or two, of all these, above
the rest, as I am equally bound in affection to
them all, and shall therefore speak of none, ex-
cept my old neighbours, the Conroys, whom I
looked upon in the same light as I did my own
family.
With respect to them, what I have to say
240 CONFESSIONS OF
will necessarily be very brief, for after the pe-
riod of my father's death, Mr. Conroy, who
had been a great friend of his, did not long
survive him ; and on her eldest son"'s succeed-
ing to the lairdship, Mrs. Conroy removed her
quarters to the South. Her state of health was
so delicate, and her spirits so low, at the loss of
her husband, the change of her favourite abode,
and her uneasiness at not hearing from her
yovmger and favourite son, that she became
the victim of these various causes of vexation.
After her death, I heard nothing more what-
ever, of Albert, for I knew none of his relatives
except his puny brother, and from him I was
now completely separated : he did not survive
his parents very long, and it is a wonder that
he lived up to the time he did. At his death,
he left two weakly children to inherit his pos-
sessions, about whom and his widow, I have
never either felt the slightest interest, or any
wish to be acquainted with them. With re-
spect to her, I have not to my knowledge seen
her since her marriage. One of her sons is, I
AN OLD MAID. 241
believe, in possession of the estate, and has a
family : and this is all I know about them.
It so happened that there was scarcely a
house in which it was not my lot to have an
admirer : I really coula move nowhere without
meeting with some one who thought proper to
pay his addresses to me ; notwithstanding it was
notorious amongst all who knew me, that I was
under the strictest engagement to my early ac-
quaintance, Albert Conroy.
Had I any particular charms to excite all
this attention ? Was so much admiration due
to either my mental or personal endowments ?
to such elegance of air, distinction of appear-
ance, lightness of figure, ease of carriage, and
beauty of features, as I could boast ? Could a
bright transparent complexion, a small slim
throat, dark and glossy auburn hair, and dark
sparkling blue eyes, render me so much an ob-
ject of request ? Could an engaging and some-
what arch manner, and an amiable cheerful
countenance, enhance these personal qualities
so much as to make every youth that saw me
fall in love with me ?
VOL. I. M
^42 CONFESSIONS OF
If the question just proposed implies the
fact, I was surely fully justified in asking it, as
it conveys that true description of the heroine
of this romance, which is due to her in the
bloom of her youth.
When any interval offered itself in which
visits were for a time suspended, I used to amuse
myself with expeditions about the country to
watering places, or to the sea-coast, or wher-
ever else my fancy might incline me. My ex-
peditions were accompanied by my domestics,
old Cuthbert, the faithful and venerable stew-
ard, of whom I have already taken notice ; and
my mother^s former attendant, who was also
far advanced in years : both of them had chosen
to follow m.e from Scotland, and in their pre-
sence I felt the most perfect security wherever
I went. They seldom, however, constituted
my entire cortege : I was almost invariably pur-
sued by some youthful gallant or other, who
had met me in one or other of the societies I
have mentioned, and had either ridden out in
the same party with myself, or danced vdth me,
or sat next me at dinner. I soon became so
AN OLD MAID.
243
used to the story of sighs, and tears, and pro-
testations, that I used either to treat it with
total indifference, or make a jest of it. I found
it in general the best way to treat it as a bur-
lesque, much as I have, in the earlier part of
this work, described Lady Kate as doing in
the days of her bloom ; except that, in her in-
stance, there existed no such feeling as in my
own, relative to a prior pledge of affection.
In fact, I rendered it impossible for any of
my suitors to persuade me into the adoption of
any thing like a tone of seriousness, so that I
eluded every blow that was aimed at my heart.
Now and then, when I sent away a lover that
appeared to me really unhappy at my treatment
of him, I used, perhaps, to feel a little moved ;
but never on any account did I suffer myself to
betray that I felt so. My obduracy and ridi-
cule were always triumphant, and the despair-
ing suitor generally quitted me *' vowing that
there never was so incomprehensible or unfeel-
ing a woman in the world as myself."
In proportion as I gained the reputation of
being difficult to win, the more was I beset by
M 2
244 CONFESSIONS OF
the pertinacious host of my lovers. This was
unavoidable : I was unable to prevent the farce
of love-lorn whining and solicitation from con-
tinuing — so I let it take its course. It served
rather as an amusement to me than otherwise —
it was something to laugh at ; but it was some-
thing more too than this — it was an everlasting
incentive to the exercise of fidelity to my pledge ;
a perpetual trial of my constancy to Albert.
No female, perhaps, was ever placed in a
more trying situation than myself; my good
faith and attachment plighted to one from
whom I was severed, without any present pro-
spect of seeing him again ; left at liberty to act
as I pleased, and entirely at my own disposal ;
under no control of any sort, excepting only
this, my pledge ; with frequent opportunity of
forming a connexion of high rank and respecta-
bility : honour, affluence, distinction, all awaiting
my bidding, to grace me with their tributes —
all offering their temptations to dazzle and cap-
tivate me. Yet I remained unshaken, I stood
unmoved and undiverted from the " loadstar,"
to which my affections directed themselves afar
AN OLD MAID. 245
off — the love of one for whom they glowed with
an ardour and a constancy, which no other ob-
ject could ever kindle in my breast.
'* No other object,'" did I say ? ... Is it
then true that no temporary tenderness for any
other than Albert was ever acknowledged by
my heart ? Let me ask whether it is not na-
tural, that, in the absence of my first lover, the
unfeigned regard, the youth and handsome ap-
pearance of some of those who paid their ad-
dresses to me, should make a certain degree of
impression upon me ? And will not the forti-
tude be praised that could admonish me to dis-
regard such impressions ; that could animate
me to recall days when love was first, and the
most truly, awakened in my heart ; while at
the same time, it bid all subsequent tenderness
vanish before this, — leaving me mistress of my-
self, and triumphant? I might yet farther de-
mand applause for that address with which, for
my constancy's sake, I have declared myself as
getting the better of these assailants upon my
heart, so much so, as to be able to deride them
as I did.
S46 CONFESSIONS OF
It has appeared from the foregoing intima-
tions relative to the quahty of those who paid
their addresses to me, that I had admirers by
whose attentions I might well be flattered : but
others also had I, of various ranks, conditions,
circumstances, and merits. In proceeding to
notice any in particular, out of the whole num-
ber, I shall, as my introduction observed, select
those only, whose extravagance or peculiarity
renders them worthy of being recorded. A
weighty balance, therefore, of less memorable
admirers must be suffered to sleep undisturbed
in oblivion. From the instances of such as I
shall mention, it will be perceived that Ensign
Crone was not the only one whose courtship
gives rise to ludicrous recollections.
Really when I contemplate the whole mass
of my admirers together, young and elderly,
handsome and plain, the distinguished and the
ordinary, — with whose offers of marriage I was
besieged, I cannot but consider the male sex as
consisting of the most outrageously vain and un-
conscionable set of beings on the face of the earth •
And why ? Are men not guilty of the greatest
AN OLD MAID. 247
vanity in supposing, as they do3 that a woman
must be flattered by the bare sound of an offer;
which their conceit or affectation really leads
them, in some instances, to suppose is all that
she takes into consideration ? Have I not a
right to advance this declaration, when many of
those who made me an offer, had no pretensions
in themselves, no claim whatever upon my af-
fection or even approbation ? And may I not
therefore with reason suppose that many other
women have to complain of the same sort of
thing ? Yet notwithstanding all this, the offer,
forsooth, is, in itself, a compliment — as men
frequently consider it !
I thought it as well to throw out a remark
such as this on entering upon the most trying
part of the history of a young woman, held in
request and at her own disposal, in order to
prepare my readers for the excessive imper-
tinence of many that harassed me with the din
of matrimony, who, though as characters they
are allowed to figure in these pages, yet were
in themselves an extremely inferior kind of
personages.
^48 CONFESSIONS OF
Their conduct, however, is nothing inconsist-
ent with human nature ; for in proportion as
a man''s pretensions are low, his conceit, arro-
gance, and audacity are, generally speaking,
sure to be high : and if in the present remarks
I may appear chargeable with any thing like
flippancy, I am sure I have borne quite
enough from the other sex to justify myself
in exhibiting it.
AN OLD MAID. 249
CHAPTER IX.
" THE NAVY CAPTAIN."
I ESTABLISHED iiiyself, after my father's de-
cease, in London as my head-quarters, having
many acquaintance residing there, to whom it
was a satisfaction to me to be near. The smiles
of summer were now upbraiding me for linger-
ing any longer in the smoke and confinement
of town : and my inclinations led me to make
experiment of a water excursion this year, by
way of a change. My course was directed
towards Southampton, whither I was accompa-
nied as usual by my two old domestics, who
both still had activity and spirits to follow me
upon my most adventurous rambles.
Of late years yachts have come very much
into fashion ; at the time of which I am now
M 5
250 CONFESSIONS OF
speaking, and at which I embarked in one,
they were not so common. Doubtless, there
was the very best of all reasons for their com-
parative scarcity, since people in those trou-
blous times of war, were employed on more
serious subjects than that of prosecuting pro-
jects of amusement : not to mention that sailing
was not then so safe an enterprise as it is now,
since, if it were conducted to a little too
venturous an extent, a French cruiser might
possibly have borne down upon the holiday
sailors, and either have captured their galley,
or blown her up, together with the live lumber
with which she was freighted.
But now, in these sportive times of peace,
the ''merry lieges**' roam whither they list
over sea, without the apprehension of such
disasters: — well, too, must it be said of them,
do they make use of their liberty : and they
are rio-ht ! for none of us can ever answer
how soon circumstances may possibly arise,
which may place our coasts in their former
defensive attitude.
The plan of our excursion was first to sail
AN OLD MAID. 251
along the South-western coast, and then to
coast round the Isle of Wight. Our Captain
was a thorough-bred hero of the navy ; and his
superintendence of our little vessel was deemed
by him altogether an act of condescension, — no
doubt, in order to show his gallantry to some
ladies on board, with whom he might be ac-
quainted, as residents at Southampton. As I
have stated him to be a genuine tar of that
day, it will be almost needless for me to add
the observation, that he was also a terrible
swearer. It is a pity that blaspheming used to
be so professional with gallant sailors in those
stirring times.
In person, Captain Wrench, for such was
this hero's name, was short and thick set : he
had a scar over his left eye, was horridly pitted
with the small-pox, and had a harsh red
colour in his cheeks, similar to that of an old
brick.
As every body used to expect and to excuse
oaths that proceeded from a '* navy captain ;''
the " free and easy" way in which Captain
W^rench blasphemed, and by which he flattered
252 CONFESSIONS OF
himself he rendered his conversation agreeable,
gave those who heard him, an inclination to be
amused, in spite either of themselves, or of
his outrageous vulgarity. His self-compla-
cency was testified by a wink and a chuckle
at the end of each sentence, or I might say,
at the end of every two or three oaths he ut-
tered. Captain Wrench was dressed in blue
trowsers of course, and a coat of the naval uni-
form : by way of being particularly " smart'*
that day, he wore a red cloth waistcoat.
As few ladies are supposed to be acquainted
with sea-phrases and nautical terms, it will be
needless for me to apologize if I give but a
comparatively small portion of all that fell from
his mouth. Nor could I possibly shock either
myself or my readers, so far as to recapitulate
his neat, professional blasphemy, which would
terrify a sea-captain of the present day out of
his wits, but as far as I can recollect the sub-
stance and spirit of this elegant man's obser-
vations, I shall be willing to record them.
" Well, Mistress," said the gallant Captain,
addressing himself to a pursy and elderly lady
AN OLD MAID. 253
named Mrs. Plumtre, who was squatted near
the stern, '' how do you relish your salt water
frolic, eh. Ma'am ? You look squeamish, I
fancy, and would be all the better if you were
to steady ship with a small heart's drop of
grog; d — n me if you wouldn't, Ma'am ! Tom !
lower the top-sail a little ! steady, my boy ! —
that haliard lower still ! that will do — that will
dor....
" Why, upon my word," answered Mrs.
Plumtre, in a whimpering sort of voice, '' I
really am inclined to feel a little nervous — I
am indeed !"
" What about, God bless you .?" demanded
Wrench, laughing : " nervous ! you should be
out a thousand leagues at sea — dancing about
in a smart gale, with a swift dark scud flying
over your head — you might talk of being ner-
vous then !"
" Why, the wind did spring up, so suddenly
just now, when you ordered them to lower the
sail, that I 'm confident we shall meet with some
accident.'*
The Captain bellowed out into a horse-laugh.
254 CONFESSIONS OF
" Lord bless my heart ! accident ! why one
might ahnost fancy we were in a desperate
squall — tlie ship no longer able to bear her
courses — her backstays gone, and shrouds creak-
ing, as if they were about to break, — her top
gallant yards struck down, — helm forced to be
* lashed' — or God knows what else ! — haugh,
haugh, haugh !"
Mrs. Plumtre was not rendered at all more
confident by the bantering of the Captain, but
continued, " I said to Mr. Plumtre before I
set out, — ' Mr. Plumtre,"* said I, ' I never go on
the water without apprehensions, my dear; for
if the vessel should be blown towards the French
coast. Heaven knows what might happen ! Very
serious consequences, I fear ; we might be taken
prisoners and guillotined V What would poor
Plumtre do, if such a thing was to happen ?
Oh dear! Oh dear !"
The Captain reiterated his burst of laughter
at Mrs. Plumtre''s expressions of uneasiness.
" Taken prisoners and guillotined ! Why,
Lord a mighty, then, what makes you squeam-
ish folks leave shore ? Blown to the French
AN OLD MAID. ^55
coast ! ha ! ha ! Why have we not sails and a
rudder, I should like to know ? Our vessel is
* scudding' I suppose, or being drifted the lee-
way,* or lying, may be, on her beam-ends ?. . . .
Lord ! Lord ! — Why bless my heart, these two
pretty young ladies are not afraid, I 'm sure, of
being blown away to the French coast : are
you, my dears?"
This apostrophe was directed to myself, and
to a lady of about my own age sitting next me,
and on whose face, as well as my own, the fears
of the lubberly Dame Plumtre, and the rough
marine style of the captain, had awakened a
smile. Her age seemed about the same as my
own, then scarcely twenty- two, her complexion
was briffht and clear, her nose a delicate small
Roman ; her lip prettily pouting, her eye dark
and sparkling, her hair hanging in full, negli-
gent curls down the sides of her face, her look
cheerful and animated, her air dignified, grace-
ful and prepossessing.
* That is, when a ship is driven sideways at the mercy of
the wind, when deprived of her sails and helm.
9.56
CONFESSIONS OF
The smile which we mutually recognised on
each other''s countenances, supplied the place of
any introduction : in half an hour's time we felt
a friendship for each other : and so soon were
we sensible of the sympathy which we possessed,
the one for the other, and the congenial liveli-
ness and contentedness of our dispositions, that
it did not require any great foresight in us to
perceive that we should love each other to our
dying day. This person was no other than
my dear Lady Kate : she was accompanied on
her excursion by a noble relative, her uncle, who
had come on board for the benefit of his health,
being a considerable invalid ; on which account
it was, that I had little or no communication
with him during the expedition, although we
sat not far from each other throughout the whole
period of it.
Mrs. Plumtre's fears, so far from becoming
abated by the Captain's ribaldry, were strength-
ened more and more as the breeze sprung up
fresher and fresher. How it could ever have
led her to apprehend being blown over to the
AN OLD MAID. 257
coast of France, when it blew nearly due west-
ward, was as much beyond my comprehension,
as Captain Wrench's. At length, nothing would
satisfy her but being instantly rowed to shore,
from which we were but a short distance. One
or two other squeamish people, whom the
rocking of the vessel began to affect more than
they had bargained for, were packed off to land
together with her. Amongst these, I ought to
specify three elderly females, who, the Captain
had observed to me with a wink, were old
maids dwelling at Southampton. " They are
the d — d'st bores in the world,'' said he, " to
talk to : they are three sisters, who have always
lived together, and have the same set of stories
to tell on all occasions. If one begins to tell
you any thing, the other is sure to take it out of
her mouth, and there seems always a contest
between 'em to see which of the three can either
silence or outgabble the others. Look at 'em !
there they are ! at it again as fast as ever ! Do
you see 'em sitting by the bow there ; — they
have got a basket of jargonel pears and sponge
25S CONFESSIONS OF
biscuits to munch between 'em, and they 11 all
be as sick as cats before long — you mind me if
they are not.'*
There they were indeed, as Wrench had said,
prating and munching as if they were literally
pitted against each other for a wager. The
disagreeable prediction of the Captain was ve-
rified, relative to the effect of the jargonel
pears.
" Heavens !" I exclaimed to myself, " I hope,
if ever I am destined to be an old maid, I may
not be such a creature as any one of these
Southampton ladies !" The eldest of them was
hump-backed, and underjawed ; the second was
blind of one eye, and had no teeth ; the third
had teeth, but not of ivory, and possessed also
a very sinister squint. Their complexion was
uniformly of a bottle-green colour. They v/ore
black beaver bonnets ; their gowns were a taw-
ny-coloured stuff, over which were black cloth
pelisses : their name was Manchcrail — so fare-
well ! ye fair Misses Manchcrail !
Together with this choice crew, I dispatched
to shore my two old domestics, with whom the
AN OLD MAID. 259
motion of the vessel did not very well agree,
with directions to go back to Southampton, and
await my return thither ; adding, that I was
perfectly safe in the company of my new ac-
quaintance. As these fresh-water creatures
scrambled into the boat, the Captain did not
see them depart without an ejaculation, to the
purport that he was " glad to get rid of the
land lubbers, and be d — d to them !"
Our trim little vessel glided along at a brisk
rate, as the Captain said, '* Ten knots an hour,
by G — !"* To him this was perfectly delight-
ful ; and infused so much honest hilarity into
his soul, that he whistled and snapped his fin-
gers, and stumped about deck, and blasphem-
ed, more merrily than before. In the glee of
his spirit, he called on the boatswain to give
the ladies a hornpipe, which was then all the
rage amongst the '^ Jack Tars of Old England."
It was now evening, the moon v/as up and
the waves glistening in a wide sheet of silve^
light. An old sailor, who was an excellent
piper, poured the notes of his rude melody over
the waters ; the boatswain began scuffling his
260
CONFESSIONS OF
hornpipe on deck, and the novelty of the scene
altogether — the sounds of the pipe mingling
with the murmur of the wind — the beautiful
and shining expanse of water — the moist tops
of rocks bordering the coast, seen glittering
through the moonlight, combined to afford my-
self and my friend much pleasure.
" Well done, Tom !" vociferated the Captain,
when the sailor had finished his dance ; " that
hornpipe is worth a hundred of your ball-room
jigs, or your prim, pacing minuets ! What do
you say, ladies?""
" Indeed !" we replied, " we think it has a
good deal of effect on board a ship."
" Ay ; but you ought to see that dance on
board a ship when she is some hundreds of
miles out at sea I It is ^^ew that the seaman
enjoys the joviality of a hornpipe, and the
circulation of the grog."
" It must then, no doubt, be more interest-
ing," I replied, " in proportion as the separa-
tion from all objects of enjoyment which shore
aflPords, is greater."
That's truly said, by G — d is it ! There,
«
AN OLD MAID. S6l
Tom, go round to the ladies, they '11 treat you
to a can of grog, I '11 warrant, bless their pretty
hearts ! Here 's a tester for you, my boy, from
myself, to begin with.*"
We added our donation to that of the Cap-
tain, dropping it into the hat which was held
out to receive it, and were repaid by many
blunt and honest thanks, with a promise of
being entertained with a hornpipe as often as
we chose to call for it. Bill, the piper, was
not forgotten, and after he had gone his round,
we were regaled by the Captain himself, who
declared himself in " rare piping cue" that
evening. His voice was harsh and strong ; but
tempered by the breeze, its harshness was in
some measure subdued, and its notes at the
same time derived a wildness that rendered
them far from disagreeable : he sung one ballad
characteristic of the spirit of the sea songs of the
day, which no doubt figures in all collections of
that species. And when this was concluded,
he thought proper to regale us a second time
with a stanza or two of a different description.
There was something touching about the words,
262
CONFESSIONS OF
which occasioned me, at the time, to impress
them on my memory. To the best of my
recollection they were these:—
THE captain's SONG.
Hath Fate thy bark swept o'er,
Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea ?
From Friends — Home's cherisli'd hearth.
And smile, best-lov'd on earth,
Of her whose heart is one,
And beats but with thine own ?
— 'Hiou know'st not how they 're dear,
Till far o'er the sea !
For when is Home most dear ?
Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea !
When pangs are most sincere
That own man's lot severe ;
— One, dull, dank, void surrounding.
The wearied vision bounding —
'Tis then, is Home most dear ;
Far o'er the sea !
And when, are Friends most dear ?
Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea
For them, when steals the tear.
In vain regretted here,
— When no fond hopes are waking
The bitter severance breaking.
' Tis then, are friends most dear.
Far o'er the sea !
AN OLD MAID. 263
And Love ! Oli, when most fond ?
Far o'er the sea, far o*er the sea !
When grateful sighs respond,
The heart might all despond,
Were no bland dream infusing
A balm to soothe its musing.
Oh, then ! is Love most fond ;
Far o'er the sea !
«
From these ne'er sever 'd 5'et,
Far o'er the sea, far o'er tlie sea !
Of all that links to life —
All, worth our mortal strife ;
ITie bliss of social ties ....
Thou ne'er can'st know their price,
Nor feel what means regret.
Till far o'er the sea !
At the end of each stanza, the crew of sea-
men joined in the chorus ; but the last sounds
of their voices had scarcely died away over
the water, when a shout from one of them, who
had been employed in some little repair in part
of the tackle, gave the alarm that the vessel had
sprung a leak.
" A leak 1 a leak ! She has sprung a leak !"
was now reiterated by most of the sailors, and
the pumps were set to work as fast as possible :
the captain endeavouring, as politely as he could
264 CONFESSIONS OF
— swear, to pacify two or three women who were
in trepidation even greater than Mrs. Plum-
tre had been. A signal was fired — the boats
were quickly hoisted overboard, and in a short
time our small crew was safely stowed in them,
and off we were rowed towards shore. We
were hailed by some fishermen, who had heard
our signal; they afforded us an escort with
their boats, and were ready with any other
assistance we might have required. The yacht
went down to the bottom, not very long
after we had left her, for the swell was now
getting greater every moment. The men
pulled stoutly to shore, and we were landed
not many miles westward of Weymouth, at
about half-past ten, with the satisfaction of
feeling we had escaped all danger.
AN OLD MAID.
265
CHAPTER X.
" SANCTUM SANCTORUM."
The signal we had fired of a vessel in dis-
tress, had reached the ears of the curate of the
neighbourhood, a raw-boned athletic figure, of
about the age of eight-and-twenty ; who had,
amongst other persons, now sallied down to the
beach, ^vith the laudable purpose of seeing if he
could oifer assistance to any of the crew that
were put on shore : by the style in which he
offered it, I perceived that he was evangelical.
The night was so fine that many of them
made no scruple to pursue their way to Wey-
mouth, availing themselves of the rustic convey-
ances that the people of the village close by
supplied. The accommodation of the parsonage-
VOL. I. N
^66 CONFESSIONS OF
house was tendered to Lady Kate, her uncle,
and their attendants, the captain, and myself ;
we being the only remaining persons of the
crew that did not intend shifting our quarters
that night, as the others had done. Two or
three sailors also there were, who found ' a
birth' for the night at the village public-house.
The offer of Mr. Hezekiah Sanctum, (such,
may I well give as the clergyman's name,) was
thankfully accepted ; and accordingly he led
the way to the parsonage-house, and seemed sur-
}3rised at the unconcern with which Lady Kate
and myself spoke of the " perilous adventure,"
from which he congratulated us on having es-
caped.
" My G — d ! there are not two better sailors
in all the navy than those ladies, Mr. Sanc-
tum," exclaimed the Captain, turning to the
Curate, " I '11 forfeit my rank in it, if there
arer
" Indeed, they seem so," replied Mr. Sanc-
tum; " God be praised for their escape !""
" Why," continued the Captain, addressing
himself to us, '' you will look back with double
AN OLD MAID. 267
pleasure to this day's sailing, on account of the
stoutness with which you weathered our bit
of an adventure, — which, by the by, might
have brought us all to the bottom, just as
fairly as if we had sprung a leak in the At-
lantic ; d — d if it might not ! It is a pity that
old fool of a woman that whined so, for fear
she should be blown away to France and guil-
lotined, was not in her when she sunk.""
We were amusing our evangelical host with
an account of Mrs. Plumtre's fears, when we
arrived at the door of the parsonage-house.
We were met in the entrance passage by
the clergyman''s sister, Miss Rebecca Sanctum, a
masculine-looking woman, and of the same raw-
boned character of figure that her brother was.
He introduced us to her in the following style :
— " Behold ! sister Rebecca, I bring into our
doors some whom the waves would have swal-
lowed up, as the whale of old did Jonas, had
not the hand of Providence interfered and ef-
fected their deHvery. God be praised for this,
and all his mercies !"
" Praised be the Lord !" ejaculated his sister
N 2
^68
CONFESSIONS OF
Rebecca, in a grunting twang, that vibrated
through her nostrils hke the snort of a porpoise.
" Walk in, ye delivered by the Lord ! ye sig-
nally favoured ones, walk in, and take such
refreshment as his handmaid shall offer ye."
" D — n me,*' said the Captain, in a some-
what lower tone than he generally uttered this
phrase on deck, " if she won't find out that we
' favoured ones of the Lord' have good appetites
after our perils ! "
" Walk ye in," continued our reverend host,
^'and partake of such viands as the Lord,
through the hand of his servants, shall pro-
vide you — walk ye in ! Thou sister, go and
procure the cheer ; our guests are, no doubt,
an hungered, and athirst too."
" Ay, d — n me if we are not," exclaimed
the Captain, forgetting himself.
Mr. Sanctum's countenance showed how
much his naval guest's oaths distressed him.
" We must be on our good behaviour, Cap-
tain," said Lord Frederick, smiling ; " we shall
shock our reverend host's ears if we talk to him
as we should on board a ship."
AN OLD MAID. 269
" You are right, my Lord," replied Wrench,
good humouredly ; '' that knack we sailors
have, of using our tongues so freely, does not
certainly sound so natural in the holds of you
landsmen, as with us — especially in such sancti-
fied quarters as these."
The entry of Miss Sanctum, and a stout
cook, the only domestic in the establishment,
with the viands, directed the attention of all
parties to the recruital of their appetites. The
Captain found himself so busily employed over
a round of beef, that he, for the present, forgot
his oaths : he gave a fine specimen of the hearty
character of his profession, by demolishing al-
most sufficient to have fed the parish of which
our host had the cure, besides drinking up a
proportionate quantity of ale.
After the repast was concluded, Mr. Sanc-
tum told us, that " Verily, his sister had cared
for all things that might give comfort to our
wearied bodies for the night," — which piece of
cant meant to say, that our beds were ready,
and the sheets well aired.
" Maiden, you must be a- wearied," continued
270 CONFESSIONS OF
he, addressing himself to me, *' sweet and
sound be thy slumbers. I bid thee a good night,
and commend ye all to the Lord !""
I thanked him for us all, and withdrew with
Lady Kate and Miss Sanctum. The gentle-
men (I include the Captain out of courtesy)
were shown to their rooms by the pious Mr. Sanc-
tum himself. I do not know how it was, but in
spite of the evangelical drawl and canting style
in vvhich our host thought proper to speak, —
notwithstanding he testified so much impatience
at the Captain's oaths, — yet I could not help
thinking, by the expression of his eye, as he
occasionally addressed Lady Kate and myself,
that there lurked within him more of the sinner
than the saint. My suspicions were not, it
should seem, without some shadow of founda-
tion.
Late as it was by the time I found myself
in bed, yet I did not feel m.uch fatigued : the
expedition I had been upon, possessed so much
of interest for me, that I was prevented from
falling asleep by thinking it over. I lay awake
for about three-quarters of an hour, and was
AN OLD MAID. 271
just composing myself to sleep, when I heard
the handle of my door turn softly and cau-
tiously round ; and the moment after, a tall
figure entered the room. I screamed out, and
the apparition, if such it was, at first retreated :
it then came forward again, paused, hesitated,
and again stepped forward. I screamed out
again and again, louder than before, when the
figure strode hastily up to my bed-side, and
kneeling down by it, begged of me, in a voice
which I easily recognized, for Heaven"*s sake
not to alarm the house — that the person who
knjelt by my bed-side, was " no one of whom
I need be afraid,'' being none other than the
very pious and reverend and spiritual Mr.
Sanctum himself !
Before I could answer him, to express my
indignation and shame at his indecorous con-
duct in daring to come into my bed-room, this
evangelical sinner began vomiting forth a rhap-
sody, no longer in the language of cant, about
" the ardour of his affection for me, under the
influence of which he was urged to seize upon
this opportunity for declaring it, though it
272 CONFESSIONS OF
might, indeed, appear too much of an intrusion
on my privacy, — beyond all power of resist-
ance " He was going on much in this
style, when the alarm I felt at my situation,
made me rouse myself with all the vehemence
I could muster up, to reprobate his disgraceful
behaviour, and insist upon his instant depar-
ture, concluding my demand by a loud scream,
which terrified him so much, that it put to flight
his ardour, and without more ado forced hira
to retreat. The shriek, echoing as it did
through the house, set the dog barking, and
broke through the slumbers of every body.
The passage was quickly thronged by the con-
course of Miss Rebecca Sanctum, Lord Fre-
derick, the Captain, and my hypocritical host's
clumsy cook-maid, all bustling out of their bed-
rooms, and inquiring of each other the cause
of the noise by which they had been awakened.
Sanctum himself was too cunning to appear,
for fear I might possibly come forth and im-
peach : if he had, I scarcely think that I should
have done so, for I considered, with great cha-
rity, that as I should be going away the next
AN OLD MAID. 273
day, it would be hardly worth while to make
an exposure of his impropriety in his own
house, especially as he had done our whole
party a kindness in receiving us beneath his
roof, and so I remained quite quiet, satisfying
myself with the precaution of double-locking
and bolting my door. The persons whom my
scream had disturbed, after some jesting about
ghosts, and seeking to no purpose the cause of
the disturbance, finding at length that every
thing was tranquil, separated, to withdraw again
to their respective rooms, where they snored
through the remainder of the night without
farther disturbance.
N 5
274 CONFESSIONS OF
CHAPTER XI.
DEPARTURE FROM THE PARSONAGE-HOUSE, AND
THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT THEREON.
The next morning, the subject of the last
night's disturbance was of course agitated.
Lady Kate remarked that I looked rather pale,
to which I made no farther reply than that
I had been fatigued with the adventures of
the preceding day. The absence of Captain
Wrench, for which nobody was able to account,
excited suspicion that he had been implicated in
the mystery of the nightly alarm ; but this
suspicion could hardly be justly entertained,
when it was remembered that he had been one
of the number who had sallied forth to learn
the cause of the alarm, upon which he lavished
more oaths than he would even have uttered
on deck.
AN OLD MAID. 275
Suspicion, as usual, lit any where but on the
right place ; and the hypocritical Mr. Sanctum,
satisfying himself with the consideration that I
should be unwilling to enter on an exposure, in
which I myself should form so conspicuous a
part, preserved his evangelical look and canting
tone as hypocritically as before. I did not turn
my eyes once upon the wretch ; his conduct, in
my opinion, had been as heinous as any of the
worst instances of deceit of the Jesuits, to
which body he would have made a worthy
addition.
The noise of carriages rolling on the gravel
road, up to the parsonage- house, directed our
attention to see what they might portend. We
were agreeably surprised by the presence of the
Captain, who shortly informed us, that he had
posted off to Weymouth that morning, before
any of us were up, to procure conveyances " for
the ladies."
He had actually thought proper to bring
over two barouches and four, swearing that
we should set off from the parsonage-house
S76 CONFESSIONS OF
" in style !" and promising himself the pleasure
of driving me — as far as Southampton, if I
pleased — himself.
For my own part, I was so anxious to leave
my present quarters, that I eagerly embraced
his proposal, and accordingly lost no time in set-
ting off. Lord Frederick, Lady Kate, and their
domestics, inside and out, occupied one of the
barouches ; and I was left the other all to my-
self. Leaving my friends to make acknowledg-
ments to Mr. Sanctum, I confined myself to
thanking his sister for her entertainment, and
bethought me of proceeding on my way im-
mediately. The Captain's gallantry was not
contented with having provided ' the ladies,'
conveyances; but he must also insist on pro-
secuting his intentions of showing me the
farther politeness of being my charioteer, an
office which I very much doubted his compe-
tence to discharge.
The other barouche was driven by an ex-
perienced coachman, who seemed an excellent
whip: although he mounted his box ]ast,_yet
AN OLD MAID. 277
he took the lead of the Captain, much to his
annoyance, as he was desirous of exhibiting his
gallantry to myself, to the utmost. I ventured
to express a hope, as I got into the carriage,
that he would be careful, which he answered
with a triumphant appeal to the style in which
he had driven from Weymouth. I was heartily
sorry that the man who had driven the other
carriage over, had not brought with him some
brother coachman to lend his assistance, in case
of the possible incompetency of the gallant
Wrench. All impatience to overtake the other
barouche, my hero d d away, and cracked
his whip, and " touched up " the flanks of
his leaders, till we were full gallop on a very
bad road, full of ruts, and not much broader
than a lane. It will be no matter of difficulty
to foresee, that the very first turning to which
we should come, must be the scene of an over-
turn. As there happened to be a tolerably high
bank by the road, or rather lane, side, the upset
was not so serious as it might have been, and
the horses were stopped from dragging tlie
278 CONFESSIONS OF
vehicle after the overturn, by a troop of mowers,
who, happening to pass by from, the village at
the time, gave us their assistance, and helped
me out of the carnage.
The Captain was tossed from the box with
a jerk over the hedge ; being, as has been stated,
dumpy in stature, stout and thick-set, he sus-
tained little or no injury, and soon recovered
breath to swear with his usual freedom and
facility. He scrambled over a stile, a short
distance from the spot where he fell, and came
back towards the carriage, in order to resume
his seat on the box ; assuring me that I need
not be afraid to trust myself under his care a
second time, since we should soon find the road
better than it had hitherto been, and he would
take care to drive less rapidly, especially as
there was no chance now of his overtaking the
other vehicle. But I would not hear any re-
monstrances of this sort, but was obstinate in
my determination not to be driven by him any
more. The more I resisted, the more earnest
in his request did this ' navy captain' become ;
AN OLD MAID. 279
and I kno^v not whether his vehemence would
not ultimately have led him to attempting to
put me into the carriage again against my will,
had he not been interrupted by a voice on the
other side of the hedge, which roared out, " Stay
thy hand, barbarous, salt-water bumpkin ! where-
fore threatenest thou thus, the damsel ? Let
me hasten to chastise thee, monster, as thou
deservest !"
These words were followed by the appear-
ance of the evangelical hypocrite Sanctum, who,
I suppose prognosticating some mischief, had
followed us on our track, in order that he might
be in readiness to repair the insult he had of-
fered me on the preceding evening, by any as-
sistance which an accident on the road mi^ht
possibly call for. His gaunt long figure was
seen forcing itself through a gap in the hedge,
and a moment after, he rushed down the bank,
and met the captain with a violent blow, which
^ sent him reeling backwards some paces.
The Captain, however, staggered but for a
moment ; when recovering himself, and being
280 CONFESSIONS OF
very active in spite of his stumpy figure, he
sprung up the bank behind Sanctum, and
jumping on his back clung round his neck by
one arm, and pommelled the " parson's" visage
witli back-handed blows, which sht his right
nostril, and caused the blood to pour forth in
torrents.
The parson^ (I use Wrench's appellation)
with some difficulty having emancipated him-
self from the impediment on his back, turned
his face to his adversary, and " let fly" both fists
upon his nose and eyes, by which he accom-
plished the " bunging up" of both the latter,
and fetched from the former, what, in the lan-
guage of the " fancy," (as newspaper reports
show me,) is termed " claret"" as copiously as
it flowed from his own.
I screamed out to the combatants to desist,
saying that their conduct was disgraceful and
outrageous ; and that if they either of them
hoped to find any favour in my eyes, they
would instantly undouble their fists, shake
hands, and endeavour to advance me on my
AN OLD MAID. J1J8I
journey by the safest and most advisable means.
After some little time — (during which, Sanctum
was pommelling his foe like another Gideon,
or a Sampson smashing the Philistine marrow
bones, with the ass's jaw-bone by way of
cleaver) — the combat was brought to a close,
to the great good fortune of the Captain, who
must have been murdered, had the unequal
fight much longer continued ; so much more
powerful was his antagonist than he. He again
renewed his request of being allowed to take
the reins ; but as I would not hear of it, and as
Sanctum protested he well understood the ma^-
nagement of them, it was settled that he should
act as coachman, while the Captain was to take
his seat inside, with myself, for to sit on the
same box with another who was performing the
office of which himself was ambitious, was too
much for his pride to support. Pretty figures,
truly, did my escort present. My coachman
with the blood gushing forth from his nose,
and with one eye sealed up : and the gen-
tleman by my side, with his face swelled to
282 CONFESSIONS OF
the size of a pumpkin, and presenting all
colours, like a haggiss ; with his eyes also
sealed up, and his nose flattened to a level
with his face. In this beautiful trim, we
arrived at Weymouth, before the gaze of the
wondering mob ; who seeing one lady, and two
gentlemen in the maimed, or bruised, condition
in which they were, could not be at a loss to
guess that they had been quarrelling about the
charms of her whom they escorted.
The impudence of the Captain was scarcely less
than that of his evangelical antagonist on the
preceding night : he was in no wise abashed
by the drubbing he had received ; but actually,
when he was so frightfully disfigured that his
natural ugliness was beyond measure increased,
such had been the discipline of Sanctum's
knuckles, — he had the absurdity, while we were
in the carriage together, to pay his addresses to
me, vowing his affection for me and deploring
his bruises by turns. I could do no more
than laugh at him on either account ; whether
for being such a fool as to bring himself into
AN OLD MAID. 283
the late predicament, under which he suffered :
or for his extravagance, in pretending to pay
his addresses to me, which, under any circum-
stances, I should reject with disdain ; but which,
in his present condition, were absolutely pre-
posterous.
On my arrival at Weymouth, I found Lady
Kate and her uncle waiting to hear what had
been the reason of our delay. I much amused
them with a recital of the ludicrous affray that
had taken place ; and the facetiousiiess, as I
charitably termed it, of the Captain, in paying
his addresses to me when he was really hideous
enough to have terrified an Ogress into fits.
As they were going on to Southampton, I
took the opportunity of emancipating myself
from my rival lovers, by accompanying my
friends on their journey thither.
On reaching Southampton, I found my do-
mestics awaitinf]r mv arrival, as I had directed
them. My inclinations now led me to bend my
course through the New Forest. Lady Kate
and her uncle radiated off, eastward : we part-
284 CONFESSIONS OF
ed with the hope of meeting each other again
on our return to town next season. It had
been my intention to have stayed at Southamp-
ton some little time; but the dread of again
encountering the vulgar Captain, of whom I
was heartily sick, did not permit me to hesitate
a moment about leaving the place.
By the by, the mention of this, my in-
troduction to Kate, leads me to turn from my
romance a moment, to observe, that my surprise
remains as little dispelled as ever, relative to
her recent, sudden departure from town. I still
hear nothing of her, nor can I in the least guess
when I shall.
AN OLD MAID. 285
CHAPTER XII.
THE RAMBLE CONTINUED.
In my journey ings about the New Forest, I
stopped at Lyndhurst for a short time, to finish
some sketches that I had made in the course of
my expedition, and to buy a fresh stock of
pencils for the purpose of taking views in the
New Forest. As I was walking down the vil-
lage, accompanied by Margaret, I was accost-
ed by a young man on horseback, who rode
up to me smiling and bowing — " delighted to
have met me, and charmed at seeing me so
well," and so forth.
This was young Lord Frippington, the iden-
tical person with whose son the reader has
seen me playing so prominent a part in a former
286 CONFESSIONS OF
portion of this history, though at a very future
period of my Hfe. Lord Frippington had been
some time an acquaintance of mine, and one
of the most devoted of my admirers. When
he understood that it was my intention to con-
tinue my journey almost immediately, he en-
treated of me most earnestly to change my
mind, for the purpose of riding with him to
see the hounds throw off the next morning, at
the distance of a few miles from the place.
A number of distinguished persons were to be
on the field, amongst whom were the Duke
of D , Lord S , and the Honourable
Mr. P , and various others of rank and dis-
tinction. There was to be such a stag hunt
as had rarely, if ever, been witnessed before in
that part of the country.
Always active, and fond of adventure, I did
not hesitate very long to comply with his pro-
posal, and being promised by my cavalier that
he would mount me on a pretty gentle steed, I
consented to ride with him to see the hounds
throw off the next morning.
AN OLD MAID. 287
The field afforded, indeed, a grand and ani-
mating spectacle : the throngs of distinguished
equestrians, many of whom I recognized, in their
scarlet uniform ; the beautiful horses on which
they were mounted ; the cheering sounds of the
huntsman's horn — the impatient baying of the
hounds — the cry of wild delight when the
quarry started before them, echoing through
the forest glades, were to me delightful. I
longed, giddy creature as I was, to be one of
those happy sportsmen, with a long whip and a
red coat, flying away over hedge and ditch,
splashing through streamlets, and galloping
over mead and fallow, " neck or nothing," as
they would have said.
" With a hey, hoa, che^7 !
Hark forward ! hark forward ! tantivy 1"
woods and hills and dales, resounding beneath
the tramp of horses, — to the bay of the pack
giving tongue, and the hunting-cry of emulous
sportsmen !
Lord Frippington kept close by "^y side the
288 CONFESSIONS OF
whole way from Lyndhurst to the scene of the
chase. '' Come, let us follow them a little way,""
he exclaimed, '*! long to gallop after them !" —
so without saying more, he gave my palfrey a
flick with his whip, and away we went at full
speed after the rest of the field.
We had not ridden very long before he sud-
denly turned his horse down an avenue of the
Forest, quite in a contrary direction from that
which the field were pursuing, my horse follow-
ing his at full gallop ; we rode down it, till it
brought us to the open road .... What was
my surprise at finding his Lordship's carriage
and four, waiting, evidently by a preconcerted
plan, in readiness to hurry me away.
I was entirely in his power, as I did not
know the way back to Lyndhurst, by the lanes
and gates through which he had brought me ;
neither did I know which direction to take on
the high-road, since it branched out just at this
spot in different ways, without any notice as to
which of its branches led to the village ; so I
could do nothing more than protest against the
AN OLD MAID. 289
treacherous and unworthy stratagem by which
I had been cajoled. But it was to little pur-
pose that I talked ; I was quickly taken from
my steed by his Lordship and one of his
grooms, and deposited in the carriage, weeping
and protesting, by turns, at the barbarous treat-
ment I was receiving.
He, on his part, was all the while protesting
no less loudly how distractedly he loved me,^
and begging me to pacify myself, since I might,
he declared, repose confidence in his honour and
affection for me. I called to the grooms to res-
cue me, and entreated them not to suffer such
unmanly and cruel conduct in their master ; but
they did not at all show themselves to be of the
melting mood, but relentlessly permitted his
Lordship to carry me away, wherever he pleased.
I begged to know where it was his inten-
tion to conduct me. I was informed that the
place of our destination at present was his own
house in London. I hoped for an opportunity
of making my situation known as we passed
through the towns on our way ; but my abduc-
VOL. I. o
290 CONFESSIONS OF
tor took the precaution of hurrying rapidly
through every town to which we came, and not
changing horses till we had passed some way
beyond them.
Never did I cease, throughout the whole
journey, inveighing against the outrageous man-
ner in which I was treated : this, however, had
little effect on him ; he answered all my up-
braidings with ardent declarations of his pas-
sion — his wish to make me his bride — and, in
fact, permitted me to rail on, till I was utterly
exhausted.
We were at length whirled up to the door
of a house in Cavendish Square, at which we
stopped. The blinds, which had hitherto been
pulled down, were now, for the first time du-
ring our journey, drawn up. I was soon hand-
ed by my lover into the house, and as quickly
conducted up-stairs into the drawing-room. I
thought proper not to make any desperate scene,
until I should have tried what a little calm
reasoning would do — for the man really seemed
to love me ; and if I had believed him, " even
AN OLD MAID. 291
to distraction,^'' as it is called. Though he
addressed me with wondrous respect, yet he at
the same time gave me to know, that he was
determined in his resolution of not suffering
me to leave the house, until he had extorted
from me the promise that I would accede to
his wishes of marrying me.
With tears, sighs, protestations, clasping of
hands, and other desperately amorous symp-
toms, did he prosecute his suit, but I remained
" relentless as a rock ;" and finding that all
calm remonstrance was futile, I again had re-
course to vehement reprobations of his tyranny
in keeping me thus his prisoner, but all to no
purpose. I had now been in captivity as much
as two days; on the morning of the third I
sent him a message from my room, saying, that
from his treatment of me, I was very unwell,
and that unless he would allow me to go home,
I should positively become excessively ill.
This expedient only served to make my condi-
tion worse ; nothing could satisfy my distract-
ed admirer, but coming up to my room to see
o 2
292 CONFESSIONS OF
me the moment I was dressed ; when he again
went through all the fustian which his passion
had before dictated ; while I, on my part,
uttered mj retaliatory volley of upbraiding and
expostulation. I used such bitter language,
that he wished me to believe that he was quite
overpowered with it ; and by way of stage
effect, staggered out of my room with his hand
pressed before his eyes, pretending to sob, as
if his heart would burst.
As soon as I had got rid of him, I sat
some little time considering what I should do,
and then went down-stairs into the drawing-
room, confidently determined that this day
should be the last of my captivity. I calmly
inquired of him, if he was yet willing to come
to a sense of propriety, and would permit me
to go to my own residence ? I met with a re-
fusal, delivered on the same principle by which
all his former tyranny had been justified, — when
I instantly sprung to the casement, flung it
open, and screamed out for assistance as loudly
as I could. The cry soon brought a mob to-
AN OLD MAID. 203
gedier : hackney-coachmen, footmen, shopmen,
dustmen, butcher's boys, and knife-grinders,
foot-soldiers, and straggling grenadiers, sweeps,
and old-clothesmen — all came pouring in motley
inundation before the house. I still continued
screaming out that I was forcibly retained,
against my will, in the house in which they saw
me, and begged of them to liberate me. This
address soon brought his lordship to his senses,
and also brought him — to the window ; which,
no doubt, he w^as apprehensive would be soon
saluted with a battery of missiles, especially as
the mob were roarino; out about " IFiolatine; the
liberty of the subject !" " The sperit of Magni/
Charta, and the Mbeas Corpus Aact V He
opened another of the casements and endea-
voured to persuade them that my appeal to
them had been entirely groundless, and that it
was far from his wishes to detain me ag-ainst
my will. But his lordship's logic was thrown
away upon their obstinate incredulity ; they
insisted with one voice, that " no lady would
cry out in that there manner in which I had
<294 CONFESSIONS OF
called to them, unless she were shameful! v
trflted."
They farther threatened that they would
break open the street-door and take me from
him by force, unless I was instantly set at liberty
as I desired. The matter was cut short by the
entry of two police-officers into the room, who
expostulated with his Lordship in pretty strong
terms, about the breach of the peace of which
he was guilty, and which no privileges he might
boast could justify, and the probable conse-
quences of such behaviour. They were in-
terrupted by me with a request that they would
say nothing more about the matter, but directly
procure me a safe escort home, which was all I
required.
My request was soon complied with : I was
put into the carriage of a gentleman who resided
a few doors off, and kindly offered me the accom-
modation. The mob, seeing me at liberty, dis-
persed, but not till after I had thrown amongst
them, like Wellborn in the play, some testimo-
nies of my acknowledgment, that it was to them
AN OLD MAID. 295
that I considered my delivery due. This piece
of generosity ehcited from them three cheers
of applause, in the din of which huzzaing, I was
driven off in great triumph to my residence.
END OF THF FIRST VOLUME.
LONDON :
riiSNTKI) LY S. AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET.