L I B R.AFLY OF THE UNIVERSITY or ILLI NOI5 / CONFESSIONS OF AN OLD MAID. '* Now, good sisters, you do me wrong, marry, do you, if you think I would say aught to shock your self-love; trust me, I respect your delicacy too much to be guilty of such misdoing." OLD PLAY. IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. I. LONDON : HENRY COLBURN, NEW BURLINGTON STREET. 1828. LONDON PIUNT ED By S, AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET. V "^ ^ C X3Zc TO LADY , oJ THESE CONFESSIONS ^ ARE INSCRIBED, z c WITH SENTIMENTS OF THE SINCEREST REGARD, BY THE AUTHOR. CONFESSIONS OF AN OLD MAID. BOOK THE FIRST. THE OLD MAIDS SCHOOL FOR VANITY. " C. Whom call you giddy ? A. She, whose years but speak The folly of her actions. Like a moth Pursuing vanity, the traitorous glare That lures her on ; flutt'ring too near the verge Of life's extremest boundary : reckless she The while, her course, how justly it provokes Gaze, gape, and jibe, and Reason's pitying sneer." Old Play. VOL. I. B CONFESSIONS OF AN OLD MAID. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTORY. THE OLD MAID's FONDEST REMINISCENCE. Of the peculiar plan which my career marks out for me to pursue in this memorial, and the various circles of society in which it will exhibit me, I shall proceed to make men- tion by and by ; at present, my attention is called to another subject. No one ever yet heard of a heroine of any work of entertainment, that was not in love : but the exhibition of this tender feeling in a heroine, situated .as I myself am, is ever looked upon, by a most disrespectful world, as a bur- lesque ! B 2 4 CONFESSIONS OF The world, I say, is too apt to consider the sentiment, or ' sentimentality,' of single la- dies, who have, like myself, passed the first verge of youth, as 77zocA:-sentimentaHty ! Just as if a few years could quench the finer feel- ings of human nature : — -just as if the soft emo- tion of passion no longer glowed in our breasts : or if it did^ must be ridiculous ! This is all scandal; this is the malignity of an opprobri- ous world. But, however much I may resent it, I fear it will little avail me to endeavour to escape it ; and, as I am bent upon revealing every thing which the generality of my maiden sisters must have felt themselves bound to con- fess, had they entered upon a work of this na- ture ; and since, as a heroine, I must represent myself in love, — which is (need I blush to con- fess it ?) the truth, — if I am to have the credit, whether I will or no, of moc/:-sentimentality, it will be in vain for me to attempt to disguise it by any seriousness of tone. No ! My language, therefore, shall correspond with that character which the world attributes to my sentiment. If I must exhibit myself, in this particular at AN OLD MAID. 5 least, in the light of a burlesque, I will show the world that I am willing to humour it, while I defy it, in the adoption of a language con- sistent with this effect, whenever I touch upon the tenderest of subjects.^ It is not my inten- tion, however, to liarass my feelings (« sigJi) more than I can help, " by the sweet agitation this delicate topic induces.*''' w ^ ^ y^ y^ ^ ^ It was the smiling season of seventeen. I sat by the window apart from my sisters, si- lent and sorrowful, thinking of the separation that was to take place between my lover and myself. Some one was admitted into the house. I heard a footstep on the staircase ; a tall noble- looking youth entered the room : — it was Al- bert — it was my lover. He was come to bid me the last farewell, previously to entering upon his departure for a distant clime. Our interview was bitter; our parting was heart- rending : ere he went, he left me his portrait, in * On such occasions, my reader may perhaps be amused, by imagining my tone of voice and air in speaking. 6 CONFESSIONS OF return for my own miniature. The anniver- sary of that cruel day (I have not courage to say, directly, howmany years ago it dawned) has ever been kept sacred by me with tender- ness and regret. Yes, dear youth ! the anni- versary of his departure is arrived this day; and be it ever cherished in the remembrance of his fond Clorinda ! Ever since the departure of my Albert, — the date of which will be understood presently, — has his portrait hung up in my chamber ^ — my bed-chamber ; and on every recurring season of his departure, I take it down and look at it, and call to mind the hours of our early attach- ment ; while I gently upbraid its absent ori- ginal, for the long silence that he has forced me to endure. '' Eugenie, bring me the miniature that hangs on the right-hand side of the mantel- piece in my room." " What, Mr. Conroy's, Miss Mirabelle ?" " Yes, child, you knov) which I mean — -fetch it ; whilst I dry my eyes. Why is he absent from me so long ? Can he have proved false ? AN OLD MAID. 7 he for whom I have thus preserved myself single, and amidst so many temptations to ma- trimony ? Must I deem him perfidious ? Sleep, unworthy suspicion ! Sleep ! and let no such fears cause a moment's unhappiness to this tenderly fluttering bosom." I had scarcely received the portrait from Eugenie's hand, when a carriage came rattling up to the door. The loud double rap thunder- ed so suddenly in my ears, that I let the por- trait drop from my hand in my agitation. Eugenie had but just picked it up and ma- naged to conceal it, before Lady Katharine Ratlington was announced. If any one else but Lady Katharine had paid me a visit, I should have been sadly overcome ; but the sight of her relieved me — she is an intimate acquaintance and old friend of mine, and it is with feelings of the warmest regard that I men- tion her name. I need hardly observe that the appellation I have assigned her, is not her real name, but one which I make use of with suffi- cient propriety, as indicating her pecuhar cha- racter. She is lively, energetic, always in good 8 CONFESSIONS OF spirits, and though always active, not in the least bustling. She indulges at times in ridicule, and talks a good deal : these are her peculiarities — almost all people have their peculiarities, more or less ; her's are so harmless that it is impossi- ble for any one to be offended with them. They are far outbalanced by the good sense, clever- ness, amiability and wit, that is ever beaming through them. A complete congeniality of habits, tastes, dispositions, and perhaps whims, has knit our souls so closely together, that ^I may almost say, we live but for one another, and possess things in common. We go out to parties together, and whoever knows Lady Ka- tharine Ratlington, must also be acquainted with Miss Clorinda Mirabelle. The house of one is scarcely less the house of the other ; and the day is alternately spent by me at Lady Kate's, and by her at Miss Mirabelle's. If there is any difference between us, it is, that she is not so romantic as myself, and that, I sup- pose, makes all the difference. We are both considered by the world as " characters ;'' and by some are even designated " originals." With AN OLD MAID. respect to that amiable weakness of mine, which the opening of this chapter exhibits, she is the friend that lets me understand the disrespectful opinions which the world entertains concern- ing it. " Why, my dear Clorinda," said Lady Kate, on entering the room, " what is the matter with you to-day ? You seem all in confusion.**' I was ashamed to declare what was my occu- pation when she stopped at the door, for she is terribly satiric, though good-humouredly so. I therefore replied, " that I had a head-ache that morning, from having slept badly the night before, and that the noise of the carriage had startled me.'' '* Well !" she replied, " you will be more com- posed after we have been out a short time ; so pray go and get ready, that we may have our drive while the day is fine." I did as Lady Kate desired me, but felt no inclination to become cheerful so quickly as she seemed to expect. As soon as we were seated in the carriage, my lively friend began by ur- ging me to lay aside my dejection. " It is a very 10 CONFESSIONS OF poor compliment to me," she said, " to be so dull in my societ}^ ; do, for Heaven's sake, be a little more cheerful." " My dear Kate," I replied with an involun- tary sigh, " you know there is no human being who is generally more lively than myself ; or, if I were not inclined to be so, there is no society that could rouse me into cheerfulness so readily as your own — but now and then, these fits of de- pression cannot easily be overcome; and you must make allowances for the circumstances of the day." " Goodness ! the day," said Kate, much amused; " how can you persist in thinking about a person, who has forgotten you long before this time, you may be sure." " Forgotten ! No such thing !^ Never try to persuade me that Albert Conroy, — he who was the friend and constant companion of my child- hood, could ever forget the love he once felt, and vowed, for me. I live in confidence yet, of * " Si c'est une illusion, rien ne peut plus me Tarracher, et je la nourrirai jusqu'a tombeau," says Mde. de Simraeren, in a similar feeling, in Mde. Cottin's " Amelie de Mans- field."— Ed. AN OLD MAID. 11 his return. Forgotten me ! — Not through twice the number of years that have elapsed since I saw him !" " Well, well," said Kate, still smihng, with a cruel incredulity, '* I will not tease you any more, but let me persuade you, if you will not be lively now, to be lively this evening, by which time I should hope your depres- sion will have had time to evaporate." " Lively this evening? what, do you wish me to accompany you any where ?" " Yes, certainly, we are both of us going to Lady Charlotte Rossignol's concert this evening." " Not I, indeed Kate, I assure you ; I have sent to excuse myself. I could never consent to impose such a constraint on my feelings, as to go out when I am in this nervous condition." " How you amuse me, my dear Clorinda ; it is really ridiculous to hear you talk in this languishing style. Well, if you will not come out to-night^ I hope you will be well enough to go to that silly woman's ball, — I mean Lady Canterly's, — next Thursday se'nnight." 1^ CONFESSIONS OF ** I shall be happy to go any where next Thursday week — only, this day, I have a scru- ple of conscience in keeping sacred : when it is passed, I shall be myself again. A melancholy break of this sort is agreeable now and then in the midst of more thoughtless avocations." " Then, what do you intend doing with yourself this evening ?" " Staying at home. Perhaps my old brother will come and sit with me." " Oh, how is the old gentleman ? — is he as misanthropic and whimsical as ever .f*" ''Just the same ; he does not favour even me with his company very often.*" " Have you shown him those stanzas which we amused ourselves with making in his praise, the other day ?"" " What the new addition to our Album, ' Cupid's Physician ?'* No, I intend letting him hear the stanzas this evening." " Be assured he will never listen to them with good humour." * Sec Confessions of an Old Bachelor, book viii. ch. 7, p. 359. AN OLD MAID. 13 So, indeed, did it turn out ; even as Lady Kate had just said, and as I shall show by and by : at present I shall observe, that my friend and myself occupied the time in taking a drive, with a view to dispel the vapours that besieged me, — but to no purpose ; my constant bosom cherished the subject of its depression too truly to admit of being relieved of it so easily. After our drive was over, and myself landed at my own house, I bade my friend good-bye for that day, and contented myself with the prospect of a quiet evening. Whenever I had no other companion, T used to make Eugenie, the young person above mention- ed, (in whose welfare I had taken considerable interest,) supply the place of one. She acted, indeed, to a certain extent, in the capacity of an attendant, but I treated her quite as a con- fidante. Her real name was not that which I have given her, but Lady Kate had taken it into her head to christen her by it, because the girl was like a French lady she had known, whose name was Eugenie. She had been re- commended to me as an object of charity when 14 CONFESSIONS OF a child, not much above seven years old ; I found her destitute and an orphan. Her father had been in the army, and had died in service, and her mother had lately fallen a victim to a severe illness. I took the child under my protection, and educated her ; and was pleased to find that she showed herself very clever and affectionate. On the morning in question, recollecting the suggestion of Lady Kate, I took it into my head to make her sing the above-mentioned song, which in our jocose moments we had made at the ex- pense of that morose Old Bachelor, my brother. In this innocent pasquinading, we shall here- after perhaps be seen indulging to a little wider extent. The effect was as my friend had prognosti- cated, though I never expected that the old gen- tleman would have flown into such a passion as he did. How angry he was, he has himself sufficiently declared in his "Confessions;" so I shall say no more about the matter. Since that period he has never once come near me ; and it was from that time that I began the AN OLD MAID. l5 history of myself, my age being then about seven-and-forty ; now, that I am subsequent/^/ prefixing this introduction to it, I have added seven years to that amount. The reasons that urged me to undertake it, and how they are connected with the circumstances of disagree- ment between my brother and myself, I shall proceed to explain immediately. Meanwhile, the period at which this disagreement took place, was the evening of that very day, in which I indulged in the fond reminiscence with which my Chapter opens. 16 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER II. INTRODUCTORY STILL. THE OLD MAID IN A TANTARUM. From various bints^ which from time to time my old brother bad thrown out, I was aware that he would one day publish some work concerning his life ; and I bad a suspi- cion that if ever he did so, he would take the opportunity of finding fault in it with my- self; since be frequently used to upbraid me with vanity, and a certain "friskiness that did not become my years,"*' to use his own rude language. Impressed with such suspi- cions as these, I determined not to be behind- hand in opposing him, in such a manner as I shall by and by explain, whenever he should exasperate me, by the attack I expected from AN OLD MAID, 17 him. With this view, from the very moment of our disagreement I set about writing my own " Confessions." Previously, however, to entering upon them, I must pause for a moment, to describe the indignation which I feel, while beholding his uncomplimentary volume in my hand. Yes, Sir, you are detected ! it cannot escape me that none but yourself has been penning this reflection upon me ! you have been guilty, have you, of describing me as old and decrepid ? Most un- warrantable calumny ! you have actually the presumption to say that I am withered and infirai ! Suppose I were ever so old, ever so infirm and withered, what licence have you, pray, to thrust all these particulars before the public ? Oh, heavens ! I scarcely know how to contain myself! But it is too obvious that jealousy and envy have actuated you in speaking thus of me. — Yes, jealousy and envy. You know you were ever jealous of the admiration, (I may say so) in which society held me. You know, though I dare say you will not admit it, uncandid and 18 CONFESSIONS OF ungenerous as you are, that you were always envious of my sociable qualities, my universal amiability and cheerfulness of disposition. Morose, unaffable man ! why, is it not un- warrantable and audacious .... but I wish to be calm, though the provocation I have received is sufficient to disturb even a gentler and more reasonable spirit than my own. Yes, Sir ! I wish, I say, to be calm, though my indignation has had too just a cause for its excitement. Indignation, did I say ? — rather let indignation sleep, and be my contempt, Sir, awakened in its stead. Yes, be such the desert of one so unworthy. I disregard your reflections on me, whether past or present, whether personal or moral : and as to the last, I shall prove to you my disregard for them, by the exposure of all those foibles to which they have related. Do not think to deter me from this intention, by suggesting ' that I shall be entering on a bur- lesque of myself; and that the exposure will be at my own expense.' I do not view the matter in that light. I am not unwilling to avow any AN OLD MAID. 19 peculiarities whatever, of which I may be pos- sessed. Why, indeed, should I shrink from ac- knowledging that, which the world has already witnessed in me so long ? But to turn from you, to the reader ; to quit my character of a calumniated female, and to assume that of the Old Maid. The general idea that the world seems to entertain of all our sex that come under this denomination, is, that they are either stiff, prim, and crabbed : or meddling, curious, and inquisitive; uncouth in their general appearance, repelling in their physiognomy, and grotesque in their dress. Is not this, however, a limited — is it not but a vulgar idea of the character ? Assuredly so ! It belongs but to a confined observation. It is my intention, then, to endeavour to do my subject the entire justice it demands ; and first of all, in the exposure of those vanities,* with which I have represented myself as being taunted, to follow the Old Maid over other ground than that on which she seems generally to be sta- * B. I. 20 CONFESSIONS OF tioned. In doing so, it has been my object to select such situations as exhibit my peculiar traits of character in their strongest light. As, however, I have become acquainted with a va- riety of scenes in the vicissitudes of my history, I shall subsequently proceed to exhibit her in that shape in which the ordinar}^ notion seems best inclined to recognize her.* The character of romance which was given me by nature, will be traced more or less throughout my pages, and will perhaps be par- ticularly developed in some portion or other of my work, exclusively devoted to it.-[- To explain the natural stages by which I pass from one scene to the other of all that I describe, I prefix to each book an introduction ; which serves as a link by which the different divisions of my work are held in amicable con- federacy together. With respect to the date of events * B. III. " Old Maid in a Country Village :" and B. IV. ** Old Maid in a Country Town." f B. II. " Old Maid's Romance," containing her early career up to the period at which she commences '*01d Maid;'* with all matters conducing to that result. AN OLD MAID. 21 through which I invite the reader to accompany me, I shall mention that they are, generally speaking, described at the time at which they take place. And if I can safely vouch, with respect to a great proportion of them, that they are not merely imaginary, but actual records of existing particulars, I hope their authority may not be a cause of any diminution of their interest. If any apology can be required for my speak- ing thus of myself, I must appeal to the na- ture of the work on which I am engaged ; for it is scarcely necessary for me to observe, that in all ' Confessions,' the point of interest rests in the fullest exhibition of every thing that belongs to that character, which consti- tutes their subject ; independently, of course, of other sources of effect. But to return for a moment to the opprobrious origin of all this — my self-exposure. I recollect now, Sir, that besides the insinuations you used to make as to my habits of life, you actually, in the excess of your characteristic moroseness, suggested that I was an " Old Maid/' to my 22 CONFESSIONS OF face ! This you said on the evening on which you thought proper to be offended with me. If I was angry then^ at your saying so, I now tell you, tliat I glory in the title, for reasons which I may hereafter disclose ; at present it is not my intention to enter into any of those re- flections which the condition of my peculiar character may at some future season suggest. You also, in that unhandsome volume of yours, give the world to know that I am a snuff-taker ! Here again you manifest yourself a traducer ! Do you suppose I could ever consent to pol- lute myself with a custom so disagreeable ? — as any old village school-mistress, or washerwo- man might ? Do you suppose I should ever subject myself to such an inconvenience, when I can procure smelling-salts, or any other sti- mulant, for the mere trouble of sending to my perfumer's ? Not, if you were to present me with the choicest specimen of all that it is your daily delight to consume, in a box of the work- manship of Benvenuto Cellini himself, would I be bribed into a habit so repugnant to me. And it is thus, you have had the heart to AN OLD MAID. 28 calumniate a sister ? Unfeeling and unkind ! she may surely be pardoned for any harsh ex- pression which she has been urged to indulge in against you. But no more must I delay — let me proceed to the testimony of my disre- gard for your comments on me. Now, Sir, carry your recollection back to the period at which you were pleased to animadvert on my vanities. Now for that exposure which will doubtlessly excite your dissatisfaction ; and will make you repent your interference, though to me it is a source of amusement. Yes ! now for those " Confessions," which shall outshine your own, as the evening-star gleams conspi- cuous above the surrounding galaxy ! 24 CONFESSIONS O? CHAPTER III. THE TEMPLE OF VESTA. To commence with the exhibition of that trait, which is by myself considered so much naivete; though I have candour enough to allow, that by others it might, perhaps, be called affectation : and if so, the imputation may well be shared by more than one of my fair cotemporaries, whom I could mention. At No. — Street, Grosvenor-Square, dwells Miss Clorinda Mirabelle, the subject of these memoirs, rather tall than short in person ; rather dark than fair in complexion — that is, not a light beauty ; of an engaging coun- tenance, and w4th dark blue eyes. The pro- gress of her interesting day shall be traced from its earliest dawn to its conclusion ; and AN OLD MAID. 25 with that view let the reader, (scandal apart,) be indulged with an introduction into that temple sacred to Vesta — her bed-room. Some people might, perhaps, express prudish ob- jections to introductions of this nature ; espe- cially as Miss Mirabelle is now and then ac- cused of encouraging flirtation, but she begs leave to say, that she treats all such insinua- tions with ineffable disdain ; and if any excuse is required of her for acting as she does, she shall give no other, than that " she is perfectly satisfied with what she is about ;" — the only excuse a lady ever considers herself bound to give for any thing. She feels fully convinced that she is entering upon her subject at its legitimate source. However, there need be little foundation for any idle insinuations, since the reader may just as well be a lady as a gentleman. But to speak of myself in my own proper person, I dare say, whether lady or gentleman, my reader has often seen — (and of course admired, if possessed of any taste,) a repre- sentation of a lady's dressing room by Jan VOL. I. c 26 CONFESSIONS OF Steen, or some such similar Dutch artist. The studied delicacy of touch will be remembered — the minuteness and nicety of drawing, the bed curtains — the pattern of the carpet — the dress- ing table — the toilette — all presenting them- selves as bright in colouring as they are faith- ful in delineation : such, shall it be my en- deavour to present the description of my own chamber.'^ To exhibit myself then in the morn- ing, just awakening — like Aurora shall I say ? Not exactly. In youth it was another thing, but now 1 am apprehensive that I might pos- sibly be contemplated by some as not quite so agreeable an object, just emerging from my '* downy couch." But I can hardly agree with these persons, since I think that if amusement — (it might possibly be, admiration) — is agreeable, my figure in dishabille would afford it amply. I cannot bear to see myself in the glass look- ing pale, or even to fancy that I look so : so the moment that I get out of bed, I hurry to the dressing-table, and gently dabbing my * Miss Mirabelle, it seems, is pursuing in prose, the prin- ciple " ut pictura, poesis." — Ed. AN OLD MAID. 27 finger in the pot of rouge paste, am soon en- abled to congratulate myself on a sufficient colour. Although I do not look at the glass very much, after I have put it on, yet the idea I have of my own becomingness is pleasing and consolatory. I can now approach break- fast with a tranquillity which would in vain have been sought for did I not fancy myself in good looks. Conceive me, now, with an elegant negligence leaning back in a soft-cushioned large arm-chair, covered with green velvet, my feet resting on a foot- stool of the same material — my appear- ance, really not altogether unlike that of an Eastern princess. Does this savour of affec- tation .P Dryden's " sitting picture" of " the lovely Thais" represents her " as like a bloom ing Eastern bride" — why not the lovely Mi- rabelle ? On a little rose- wood table by my side, stands the breakfast, consisting of a capaciously- sized cup of chocolate, invitingly frothing, and flavoured with vanilla, and a small loaf of brown bread. No chocolate pot burthens the tray; which, by the by, is a very pretty red-japan c 2 28 CONFESSIONS OF one, decorated with the gilded figures of two Chinese belles, sitting under a verandah, and feeding a mackaw. This, my morning^s repast, Eugenie brings nie at uncertain periods, somewhere between ten and twelve. I am some little time getting through it ; for I am fond of employing this interval in contemplating either present or past subjects — either projects of to-day, or the scenes of days gone by. It is, indeed, almost the only time at which people are free from all moles- tation, either from friends or strangers. We feel happy in the confidence that no one can dis- turb us ; our acquaintance being no less happy than ourselves in the enjoyment of seclusion, and temporary freedom from interruption: — as glad to leave us to ourselves, as we are to be excused seeing them. Young maids, in their moments of seclusion — at their toilette— during a solitary l)reakfast — think of their lovers. Their inspiring charms, of which they are justly conscious, can lead them to dream of no other subject : the bright visions of matrimony glitter before their view ; AN OLD MAID. 29 and they issue forth from their toilette with a vivacity and self-satisfaction that imparts addi- tional lustre to their beauty. And is the old maid to be denied her reflections on the same universally alluring subject ? I fancy I perceive a smile on the countenance of my readers — by all means let them indulge in it : I am an amia- ble, good-tempered creature, and am willing that they should amuse themselves, though it were even at my own expense. I will, then, confess to them, that a spirit of romance cer- tainly does pervade my morning''s reflections. I will confess that a share of my reveries during breakfast is dedicated to the soothing or tor- turing subject, as it may happen, that engrosses the solitary hours of " maids."" If I were not naturally inclined towards a little romance, I should almost be forced into something like it, by the mementos which the walls of my room present. There, over the mantelpiece, hang no less than twenty minia- ture portraits of various swains who have been at one time my lovers — all in the old fashion, all enamelled, and some frightful. Some few, 30 CONFESSIONS OF indeed, amongst them are really handsome, and others, if not handsome, at least decent-looking enough. At the head of the whole set, stands a coxcomb of a Colonel, in a red coat, with a yellow collar ; his hair powdered, and with a pigtail. The rest exhibit the features of various noble and gentle gallants, who have, at different times, acknowledged the power of beauty, in de- spair at my feet. To some of these I vouchsafe a sigh — at others I laugh — according as their deserts and appearance may recommend them to me. Neither the sigh nor the laugh, how- ever, interfere with each other, which is no less fortunate than agreeable. I have often thought of setting down these amatory musings on paper, and in genuine romance style : perhaps I may still do so, and enrol them in this work, but certainly not at this stage of it. It cannot now be matter of surprise, that with these compliments to my early witchery still smiling on me — with these monuments of my youthful fascination ever looking me in the face, — I am romantically inclined. They bring the hour of youth before AN OLD MAID, 31 me, and the sweet moments when my bosom was first made acquainted with the cherished emotions of love. Though I should disregard the semblances of these my admirers, yet would they still admonish me of the magic my charms once possessed And do I not disregard them, when my eye glances from their's upon thine own semblance, my Albert ? And am I not then taught that I once had beauty which could inspire adoration ? My readers, then, must surely make allowance for my being ro- mantic. I wish they could but witness the attitude in which these reveries are conducted : they would not consider it in the light of bur- lesque, I am certain. Oh, no ! — Conceive the arm leaning on the table by my side, the head reclining on the hand, the eyes tenderly up- lifted ! I have forgotten all this time to describe my appearance in dishabille : to make my picture complete, I must supply this. To say nothing of the becomingness of the frill and furbelow* * This is a mode of ladies on the Continent. It consists, of course, of yalenciennes lace. 32 CONFESSIONS OF of my robe de nuit, (I like to be becoming, how- ever little I may have proceeded with dressing) my dressing-gown is of India dimity, with a border of fine cambric ; and when the weather is at all cold I also throw a red Indian shawl over my shoulders. My cap, with its wide lace border, is also agreeably becoming. After having drawn on a pair of pink silk stock- ings, I slip my feet into my red morocco slippers. Opposite me, at the other side of the room, is a large looking-glass, which reflects my whole form, shows me my elegant attitude, and really satisfies me so much with myself, that I have now and then had the weakness to delay dressing, for the sake of bestowing another glance or two upon its surface. My chocolate being now sipped up, and my reverie exhausted, I approach the dressing- table, and after yawning interesting}}^ before the looking-glass, I take off my night-cap ; and after that, a small cap fitting more closely to my head, which I call my '•' essence-cap." My readers are no doubt curious to learn what I mean by my essence-cap; I will tell them. AN OLD MAID. 33 Having still a fine head of hair, I am loth to shave it all off, and have resort to borrowed tresses, merely because Time has sprinkled its dark hues with his envious snows ; thereby rendering it what is called grizzled. So I re- medy the inconvenience thus. I endeavour to restore those dark hues in some measure to their pristine beauty, by the application of a certain black, or rather a purpleish wash or fluid ; a sort that is pronounced by Eugenie, as the most effectual for my purpose. * In order, therefore, to avoid dyeing my pillow when I go to bed, I am obliged to wear a black-silk cap, fitting close to my head, some- what on the model of the official " scull-cap" that we see in old paintings. And this is what I call my " essence-cap." An opportunity will hereafter be afforded me, of describing with more advantage the effects of this essence upon my appearance. At present I shall merely remark, in case there are any who may smile at the expedient, * Delcroix's ' poudre unique' was of course not yet intro- duced. 34 CONFESSIONS OF that I consider it my duty, and the duty of us all, to render our appearance as becom- ing as we can. Really, with my light figure, juvenility of air and carriage, it would be a sad pity to wear locks, not my own — to make an old woman of myself. Envious persons may suggest that I am an old woman already made : let them carp as much as they will, I heed them not, and continue my naive Confessions with undisturbed composure. It still is, and always has been a maxim with me, that we ought to enjoy life and limb as long as it is in our power : that we should cheat old age of its decrepitude, if possible — smooth away, if we can, its wrinkles, and disguise its withered and frosty appearance. Upon this principle, I employ other petty ar- tifices, besides that of darkening my hair, to give my appearance an eclat, and to make my glass put me in mind of my younger days : nor is the reward a slight one which I receive for my pains in dressing ; I have not only the pleasure of self -approval, but not unfrequently overhear myself called by persons of taste, " la AN OLD MAID. 35 belle Mirahelle?'' A long bill which lies half opened by my pincushion (it is from my per- fumer) for a certain pleasantly smelling white lotion, and perhaps other cosmetics, will speak how much I do for the beautifying of my complexion. The first of these aftbrds me con- siderable assistance in the laudable object of making my skin whiter and more brilliant than it might otherwise be. And is it not a laudable object to endeavour to please the male portion of my acquaintance, while I gra- tify my own innocent little vanities ? Not all the rows of bottles that crowd the counters of Gattie and Pierce, or Rigge, or Smytlie, can, proportionally speaking, vie with the pha- lanx of essences and myrrhs, scents, rouges, pomatums, medicines, cordials, restoratives, sedatives, that decorate my dressing-table. There they stand, in pretty japanned trays, ranged in all their varied hues of blue, yellow, white, brown, red, green, violet, orange, — round the looking-glass : there they stand, the phials, — odoriferous with salt of lemons, aro- matic vinegar, eau de Cologne, camphorated 36 CONFESSIONS OF spirits, tincture of myrrh, orange-flower water, Hungary water, rose water, elder-flower water, cordial drops, sal-volatile, lotions without end, drops for the face-ache, drops for the ear-ache, drops for the tooth-ache, drops for the heart- ache, — the heart-burn, I ought to say ; — salts of all descriptions, various essences, me- dicinal-lozenges of all shapes, sizes, and co- lours, — black and blue, brown and yellow, white and red. Some ladies, I know, prefer keeping things of this sort in a closet out of the way, or casing them up in a chest for the purpose, but it is my pleasure to see all these conundrums before me, doing duty under my looking glass.* A lordly mirror is it! of the old fashion, (of which I am fond, from recol- lections of my childhood,) of an oval shape, of portentous dimensions, and with a broad carved and gilt frame : — it is my favourite piece of furniture. The handles of the draw- ers are of ivory, with gilt borderings, and its top is surmounted by two Cupids — fit emblems of the topic of my morning*s contemplations. * Besides, tlie display suits my picture here. — C. M. AN OLD MAID. 37 As for the furniture of my room, it is plain, pretty, and neat : the bed-curtains are blue out- side, and lined with pink within. Pink is, on the whole, my favourite colour. It is needless to enter into a description of the rest of the furniture : no one can ever be so inquisitive as to require it ; it must be taken for granted that it is in good taste ; how should it be otherwise, when "la belle Mirabelle" had the arrangement of it ? It will be sufficient to say, it is in excellent keeping with that of the bed. And now I must beg my friend, the reader, to walk out of the room till I have completed dress- ing ; he or she must be turned out together with my little black and white spaniel, who waits patiently, and sometimes impatiently, till his mistress makes her appearance on the stair- case. So long does the operation of dressing take me, that, commencing it late as I do, by the time it is over the day is very far advanced. It is, in fact, sometimes so late, that I come down into the drawing-room ready dressed to go out ; generally expecting Lady Kate to call for me. SS CONFESSIONS OF ill order that we may go out for a drive together. This she almost always does when the weather permits. If she fails to come, I order my own carriage, and call upon her. To-day, however, I have no occasion to do so, as I perceive she is now at the door : I shall proceed to wish her good morning in the next chapter. AiS OLD MAID. 39 CHAPTER IV. A MORNING CALL. " Well, Clorinda,'*' said my friend, our mutual salutations having been made, " how are we to fill up the day ? We were talk- ing last night of driving out to look at the plants at Loddige*'s. (Lady Kate's conserva- tory is supplied from his green-houses.) " Oh ! do not let us go to Loddige's to-day, Kate,'^ I replied ; " we must pay Mrs. Crone the visit we owe her." '' Very well, then, let us do so ; it will really be a good thing over." " Yes, I am always glad to have discharged myself of the debt of any visit to her ; she is such an extremely strange being, that one is indeed not sorry to have absolved one's self of any engagement due to her.*" 40 CONFESSIONS OF The servant had no sooner closed the car- riage-door, than we continued in the indulgence of our satiric spirit, on the subject of Mrs. Crone. " How did you like that yellow silk gown she wore the other night at Mrs. S.''s ? was it not frightful r " Frightful ! I never saw such a figure ; and with that stiff carriage of hers ! her neck and back as upright as if she were standing in the stocks, holding the backboard behind her." " And then that curious-looking creature, her husband, the Colonel ! Gracious ; what a pair !" " With that sad awkward gait of his, and his nose so awry, and flaming red-beard !"** rejoined I, unable to restrain my amusement. '' At any rate," said Lady Kate, " he is hand- some enough for her : j/ou should not be severe upon him, surely, if he was once an admirer of yours," added she, smiling. " It has always enraged me to think of the assurance of the coxcomb. But I wonder how they have agreed since their marriage; two such oddly dispositioned beings." Here the conversation was interrupted, the i AN OLD MAID. 41 carriage having brought us to Mrs. Crone's door. And it is requisite that I should state, to the surprise, perhaps, of my readers, that this Mrs. Crone was my cousin. I think I may well be pardoned for the poor compliments I have been paying, or may hereafter pay her, since she ever regarded me with dislike ; being jealous of qualities in me, which slie did not herself possess, both mental and personal. So few agreeable qualities, indeed, had she, of any sort, that had it not been for her money, she must inevitably have remained in the same single condition as myself; with this difference, that she would have been an old maid of the most inveterate and ascetic description. The person who at length wedded her, had been re- jected by her above once ; as she used to flatter herself with the hope of a more advanta- geous offer. It was fortunate they at length linked their destinies together, for neither the lady nor the gentleman were fitted for any other connexion than that which they made. If it is true, as Lady Kate observed, that the Colonel had once the impertinence to declare his 42 CONFESSIONS OF admiration for me, the romance, which I con- template, will disclose the whole circumstances, and an opportunity will there be given of say- ing somewhat more of my amiable cousin. As we entered the drawing-room, Mrs. Crone was primly seated on an ottoman of red damask. She rose to receive us, with a most forbiddingly stiff air, her arms folded one over the other. With a voice as grating as her aspect was harsh, did she greet us, while she went through the form of pressing our fingers within her own, of which she scarcely bent one single joint. Mrs. Crone had ever been a vast prude ; the cause of this must have been a spirit of envy, which had made her carp at the attentions shown to other fair ones, in preference to her- self. Above all the rest of her female acquain- tance, had her prudery found cause of offence in me. She had ever looked upon my liveli- ness as " most improper conduct," and still did she seem impressed with that charitable idea. I have forgotten to mention, that her hair was — not the most red ; — her complexion, not the most sallow ; — her eyes, not the very greenest, AN OLD MAID. 43 — and her nose — not the least broad. The Colonel was out at the time we called. Having seated ourselves. Lady Kate, after some indifferent topics had passed, broke through a silence that had succeeded, with an interrogatory that disturbed my charming cou- sin most cruelly, and made me smile. " Do you propose visiting Epsom to see the Races, Mrs. Crone V " No, indeed. Lady Katharine," replied my cousin in a hurried tone of surprise — (she generally spoke very slowly and measuredly) — " No, indeed, Lady Katharine, I shall not, I assure you. I do not at all admire sitting in a carriage, compelled, perhaps, to hear the exces- sively indecorous conversation of grooms and jockeys !'' " Oh, I should never take any notice of that," answered Lady Kate ; *' but I certainly find great pleasure in looking at a race : I think it is one of the most animating sights imaginable." *^ Except that of a hunt," I observed, smi- ling : " you remember my old love story about " I suddenly checked myself, as I observed 44 CONFESSIONS OF my cousin start, and bridle up her head in the most ridiculous manner in the world, colouring up to the eyes. Lady Kate could willingly have given way to her risible inclinations : of course, however, — and fortunately for me, as well as for herself, she suppressed them. We changed the subject of conversation to that of the next party — of whatever kind it might be — that had been announced ; this was Lady Canterly's. I ventured to ask my cousin if she was going to it. " Yes," she replied, " I rather think I shall, if nothing occurs " Mrs. Crone had a way of beginning a sen- tence without finishing it ; so that, generally speaking, there was no understanding what she meant to say. To make the matter worse, she used to let her voice drop into a deep growl, which almost drowned the sound of the little that she did say. The sentence that had been so abruptly broken off, was never continued afterwards to its conclusion ; and thus a conversation with her was less intelligi- ble than the oracular responses of the Sibyl. AN OLD MAID. 45 It was in vain endeavouring to keep up any conversation with a person so little inclined to be communicative as my cousin ; so I ob- served to Lady Kate that we had some visits to pay ; in order that we might take our leave. As we rose, something or other put it into my head to be a little malicious; and I am sure my impatience at Mrs. Crone's unamiable quali- ties may well be pardoned. " I suppose," I said, "if Colonel Crone does not happen to be in town on the evening of Lady Canterly's ball. Sir Roger Tag* will accompany you ?'''' If I had any inclination to dissatisfy my cousin, this short speech fully accomplished that re- sult. Sir Roger Tag had at one time been an admirer of her's; not quite so silly a person as the Colonel, her husband, though just as much of a figure in his appearance. Even nowj she was supposed to like him better than her lord : the insinuation, then, that Sir Roger was to supply the place of the Colonel, when- ever the opportunity might be offered him, was * This eccentric and brief cognomen is applied purposedly to the liero it designates. — Ed, 46 ' CONFESSIONS OF dreadful to her prudish feelings. The colour rose ten times more profusely than before in Mrs. Crone's face, and rendered her temples and ears scarlet, as well as her cheeks. She re- turned no answer, but glanced at us both the most angry look of her prudishness. If we were before willing to remove from her pre- sence, we were doubly so now. So away we went, leaving her to herself, to condemn us, no doubt, as " pert, old, gossiping, indecorous, creatures."" There are few beings in human nature more worthy of reprobation than a prude. Prudery, that grossest of all hypocrisy, in what terms strong enough can I deprecate it ! Dreadful must be the constraint which it imposes on those who encourage it ; for they are in no less pain with respect to all they do themselves, than with respect to the conduct of others. They hardly dare move, breathe, or even turn their eyes about. How ridiculous ! Their affec- tation of superfine purity, relative to matters of sentiment and love, is absurd, when we con- sider a moment the mixed composition of hu- AN OLD MAID. 47 man nature ; and that in love, under the sanc- tion of the most sacred alliance, entire purity can never prevail. And if so, why then we may surely go a step farther, and say that the en- dowment itself of extreme purity would be absurd, since useless, if this world is intended to go on as it does : how much more then must the affectation of it be ridiculous ! But this affectation has also the additional mischief of being wicked ; because, as it is not a real but a fictitious feeling, it adds the sin of falsehood to that of folly. Surely we may ask, in opposition to prudishness, is not a little innocent liveliness and love of entertainment pardonable, while modesty, honour, and chastity are inviolate ? Common sense and the simplest reasoning tells us this; but if we require a higher authority, we find it in the doctrines — those purest doc- trines of Christianity itself. And no charge can be greater against prudery than that it is repugnant in every point of view to the spirit of Christianity. For example, prudery is guilty of falsehood, because it pretends to see mis- chief in whatever it regards, where there really 48 CONFESSIONS OF exists none to be seen — because it mao^nifies the most innocent thoughts, words, and deeds, into enormities. It is doubly false, because it not only says it sees what it does not see ; but farther 'pretends to be hurt at what it knows does not really exist. Prudery is cruel, be- cause it blights honest reputation with scandal, for which there is no ground. Prudery is en- vious, because it would mar innocent amuse- ment, and even the most amiable and sociable pleasures. Prudery is the worst of hypocrites, because it would crush the feelings of human nature in others, which it must entertain itself. It is wicked in all these respects ; it is also use- less, besides being thus wicked and absurd : ab- surd is it, again, because those who have any pretensions to sense, laugh at it : it is useless, because all censure is negative the moment we feel that it is suggested by prudery. Truth is alone the foundation upon which authority in all things must exist: therefore we mock at prudery as a falsehood ; and how then can we not despise it while we laugh ? We do despise it — its folly and invalidity make it so contempt- ible, that we forget to be angry at its wickedness. AN OLD MAID. 49 The world has one source of revenge against it, and that will ever be found to exist in itself. It is as great a punishment to itself, as it would wish to he to others. The fretfulness of its envy preys the deepest on its own peace. In straining to set a pattern to the rest of the world, it is never at ease itself; it can lie but on a bed of thorns ; it can move but as a beast constrained within its cage of iron. Oh, my amiable cousin, I envy thee not, nor any like thee ! When we were seated in the carriage again, Lady Kate relieved herself, by giving way more fully to that merriment which she had hitherto somewhat painfully repressed. " How could you," said she, " shock your cousin so ^ I was quite in pain." " Because I was so much provoked at her absurdity, and want of amiability as well ; be- sides, I always feel under the influence of pique whenever I come into her presence." '• But you should suppress that feeling. — Sir Roger Tag ! how could you mention his name !" VOL. I. D 50 CONFESSIONS OF We both amused ourselves for some little time ; not less at the idea of the absurdity of my cousin, than at the recollection of her strange husband, and his former rival. Sir Roger : they were three such curious beings, that we had ample cause for our entertainment. I hope that we do not appear much given to scandal ; merely a little. Kate and I amused ourselves as much on the present occasion, as we had the other day been entertained at the expense of my brother. No new fashions, no new publications, no parties, no operas, — afford me such an agreeable subject of discussion as an odd or unamiable character. Male or female, Kate and I deal with the poor creature so un- ceremoniously when we are together, that it is disfigured to a degree so ridiculous, that the caricature could net possibly be more complete. Sometimes that malicious jade, Kate, turns the shaft of her satire upon me and my ro- mantic fancies. If so, I banter her in my turn, by telhng her that if she rallies me, she must indirectly laugh at herself too, since we are only known in each other's company. AN OLD MAID. 51 Still she has the wider theme for her banter 3 since I have had such a host of admirers in my time ; while she can scarcely mention one who has avowed himself as such. That she has had admirers cannot be* doubted, since both her means and her appearance, (which shall in due time be pourtrayed,) justly entitled her to as many as myself ; but the fact is, she was ever dreaded by the men on account of her satire, besides having been always considered ** a pri- vileged person."" This accounts for her never having received many declarations of love. AVhat is more, even if she had heard confes- sions of love for herself, yet she has not the heart, not the capability of receiving impres- sions, that I have. She always has mocked at the idea of love : now, I did encourage one pas- sion, which still glows in my bosom, although I have ever rejected all the attempts of my nu- merous admirers to awaken in me a second. But the most cruel facetiousness of wliich my friend is guilty, is actually doubting the con- stancy of my early lover — my Albert ! This is too much — this affects me sensibly, and if by D 2 LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF ILUN0« 5^ CONFESSIONS OF her conduct a tear is elicited what does she do ? — why she ralhes me the more. Cruel, yet beloved Kate, how canst thou sport with the feelings of thy bosom friend, — thy own Clo- rinda ? How canst thou breathe the suspicion that whispers of inconstancy or forgetfulness in her Albert ? It is but a few short years past, since he murmured his vows But there is something in the satue of my friend that is always kind and well-meant. She sometimes tells me of little things which the unsparing world may treat as ridiculous, though the con- sciousness of their being so has entirely es- caped myself; and though I confess I feel a little galled sometimes at these hints, yet I am wilHng to acknowledge them of service. I only wish she could break herself of that giddy ha- bit she has, of now and then indulging in mirth, — nay, even in laughter, — when I have not the least suspicion what she means. Her whims, though for the most part they coincide with my own, are sometimes of a different nature. She frequently takes fancies into her head, the oddest and most eccentric in the world. And as I use AN OLD MAID. 53 the same freedom in criticising her, with which she treats me, our meetings are now and then but one continued exercise of good-humoured, reciprocal bantering. We can afford to in- dulge in this, without any apprehension of its weakening our love for one another. Time has cemented our affections too closely to admit of their ever being riven asunder: our very frailties are viewed with affection by each other. We have indeed mutual cause for congratula- tion, that in a vvorld of hypocrisy, insincerity, — of mere professions — and for the most part of nominal, not real friendship, we possess for each other a sympathy of feeling and a conge- niality of spirit, from which has sprung a sin- cere attachment — constant through joy and through grief, and which death alone can dis- solve : — a friendship, which reflects credit and respectability on us, in the eyes of the world, amidst whatever ridicule it may indulge in, at our expense. 54 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER V. A children's ball at lady canterly's. The engagement for the present evening was Lady Canterly's ball. As I am always im- patient to be in a cheerful scene of this sort, I shall suppose that our carriage has already set us down at her Ladyship's door. My heart leaped at the sound of the violins, harp, and flute, which pronounced that the dancing was in full operation upstairs. The ball was nomi- nally a children's ball, but there were ' sets' of older dancers as well ; and as large an assem- blage of grown-up children as of those of more tender years. I have been rather desirous of exhibiting myself at an entertainment of this sort, in order to set in a stronger light mv juvenile propensities. There are also reasons of a more serious nature for my presence in AK OLD MAID. 55 this scene, as may be perceived by and by. Above all things does it delight me to see a children's dance : it is a great pleasure to me to witness in their countenances, the happi- ness that throbs in their hearts ; while in some of the elder ones, I trace the first indications of that tender feeling which brings me back with a sigh to Albert and sweet fifteen. " I won- der," I said to Lady Kate, as we were taking off our cloaks, in the room for that purpose at the bottom of the stairs, " if Colonel Crone and his lady are here to-night ?" " Yes, they are, Ma'am ; they have just been announced,'' said the woman that helped me off with my cloak. On expressing a hope that Sir Roger Tag was with them, the woman said she had heard the name announced ; and I could not help feel- ing satisfaction when I thought of the carica- ture that they would afford to Lady Kate and myself, for a week to come and more. We had arrived late, and after most of our acquaintance. As for Lady Canterly, she was so barricadoed by the throng of persons about 56 CONFESSIONS OF her, that though she was as near the door as she was able to station herself, and was aware of our announcement, any recognition between us was just at present impracticable. To mention a few of the persons that met ^y eye? there were Lord and Lady Flashing- don, the Countess of Hautegrace and Lady Strutingly ; Colonel Rigadoon (of the Guards) and Lord Robert Battlebone ; the Ladies Mar- mozet and Mrs. Lofty ; the Honourable George Curmudgeon and Captain Dandy prat, Lady Charlotte Rossignol, (whose concert was ho- noured by my friend, Kate, that day week past,) Lord and Lady Frippington, and the Misses Quizzett, and their brother, Arthur Quizzett, (the whole family great friends of mine). Then there were Lord Frederick Lath- and-plaster and Sir John Longshanks ; Eveline, Marchioness De Route, ' the Duke Noodled urn," the Honourable Dr. Sanconiathon Craft, and Lord Ronald Shamblegait ; Sir Harry Stake- feld, and Lady Georgina Squawlaby ; Mrs. Rumfustian, and the Misses Rumfustian; Sir Marmaduke Huntgage, Mrs. Rigmarole, Mr. AN OLD MAID. 57 Gild y purse, (about to be made a baronet,) and George William Godfrey Alexander Regi- nald Parasite, (about to be made a peer). The Honourable Miss Growlibell, Lord Rabblefawn, Lady Flighty, and the Misses Flighty ; the Honourable Arthur Turfman, Lady Barbara Scarecrowe, Sir Jacob Consols, and his black- eyed lady leaning on the arm of Captain Squan- der, Sir Jeffrey Simperby, Lord Alfred Gam- bleford, Mrs. Minxmazard ; that frivolous old dame, the Honourable Mrs. Whistjoy, Sir Alexander and Lady Finnikin, and the whole string of the Misses Finnikin. Now, I am not, generally speaking, fond of emblematic names ; but as none of the persons in the above catalogue are without their peculiar- ity, 1 adopt this mode of " emblematic christ- ening" — if I may so express myself — in order to exhibit as concisely as possible the materials of which an assembly of this sort is, for the most part, made up.* * Miss Mirabelle is doing no more than following the ex_ ample of the dramatis personce of almost every comedy, an- cient or modern, that can be named ; to say nothing of tht common practice of all languages. — Ep. D 5 58 CONFESSIONS OF Many others of my acquaintance were there besides, whom I did not see at that moment : some of them may perhaps be incidentally men- tioned, before the evening at Lady Canterly'^s is over. Many of them might be brought under my criticism, and at one time or another have, I dare say, afforded theme for a,musement to Lady Kate and myself, but nothing compa- rable were any of them, on the score of pecu- liarity, to a certain curious trio, for which I had been searching, and on which my eye had just now glanced. Yes, there it was, and there was its constellation, my cousin, between the Colonel her husband, and Sir Roger Tag, in the same yellow silk dress upon which we had been so severe the other day. The Colonel looked more than usually ugly that evening, and Sir Roger, as he always does, like a Hin- doo-pedlar. The contrast between the two was striking ; the first being tall and raw- boned, with light complexion and sandy hair, pointed features, and long nose ; while the little Baronet is short and broad, has a re- markably thick neck, and monstrous double AN OLD MAID. 59 chin. I almost fancy sometimes that he is attempting to suffocate himself: for I really think he must do so one of these days, since by hunching up his shoulders above his ears, he so squeezes down his throat and chin, that his powers of respiration must be grievously affected. The effect of this curious carriage of his is to render his appearance in the face bloat- ed and red ; but the red is not a bright red, but a dingy and muddled flush, as may be sup- posed, since his complexion is as brown as mahogany, and covered with freckles. With these two gallants in her wake, or ra- ther by her side, did my cousin, Mrs. Crone, show herself abroad. She thought it " proper to go to parties with a gentleman on each side of her. One was scarcely sufficient in an assem- bly." — " An assembly," indeed, had she round her, wherever she went, especially when ac- companied by two such rarities as her mate and Sir Roofer. These beaux could not be accused of not making the most of themselves : the Uttle fat man waddled, and strode forward in such a manner, that one would have fancied 60 CONFESSIONS OF he thought himself another Colossus of Rhodes ; he moved, too, with a sort of jerk at the knee, when he put his foot to the ground. As for the Colonel, he thrust his long neck forward like a crane, and took such long strides, that his lady, and poor little Sir Roger, were obliged to wriggle, and shuffle, and change step eternally, to keep up with him. The Colonel was not at all concerned at the in- convenience he was occasioning them, but the little fat baronet must have been very much so, although he pretended not to be, but stretch- ed out his legs as far as he could, as if to outstride his antagonist. As Lady Kate and myself passed by this inte- resting trio, my cousin screwed her mouth and chin most prudishly on one side, and scarcely vouchsafed a syllable when I spoke to her. The Colonel, her husband, just said, " How d' ye do?" to Lady Kate, but took his eyes from me, and poked out his great crane neck to the other side. The rude creature ! because I had once rejected his impertinent suit ! Sir Roger was more communicative; he made a AN OLD MAID. 61 most ceremonious and consequential bow, after his fashion, and in a thick choked voice, ** Hoped he had the pleas/zor of seeing I^ady Katharine Ratlington and Miss Cloreenda Mirabelle well !" We at length came up to Lady Canterly, of whom little more is to be said, than that she was rich and a widow ; was fond of vain osten- tation, very silly, but good-natured; not too old to tempt persons to marriage, but not likely to enter upon such a step, as she was at present happy in the independence of widow- hood. Her late husband having been of a bad temper, she had never been taught to cherish any very favourable notions of matrimonial bliss, and therefore, the chances are against her changing her present condition. On the occa- sion of her balls, she used to give extravagant entertainments, the style of which bore ample testimony to her love of idle ostentation. Va- rious hangers on had she, amongst a number of young men of fashion, who flattered her vanity, at the same time, no doubt, that they laughed at it. Amongst these, she had 62 CONFESSIONS OF a favourite in a certain Lord Alfred Gamble- ford, a handsome youth, who had lost all his money at play, and was some few thousands in debt, but of course not the less extravagant on that account. Report whispered that the charge of Lord Alfred's new cabriolet was disbursed in quarters from which he was not then very far distant, — and various similar in- sinuations; but I never give credit to idle reports. That he was certainly very often at Lady Canterly's none can deny — 1 say nothing farther. Some young men in his situation behave with that proper tact, that they never throw out any thing v/hich can be construed into confirmation of suspicions of the nature I haye mentioned.* I doubt whether Lord Alfred possessed this .... It was no other than himself, that, together with Sir Jeffrey Simperby, now walked up to Lady Kate and myself, and ac- costed us. I saw that my prudish cousin was quite shocked when she observed that we were talk- ing with these two dissipated youths : whether • More especially in Paris. AN OLD MAID. 63 it was from this cause or not, I cannot exactly answer, but she certainly retreated into a little room, where two old toothless noblemen, and as many old ladies in the same predicament, were mumping at each other across a card- table : that is to say, were " quietly enjoying a rubber at whist." Not a little was I amused at the silly scrupulosity of my cousin. Sir Roger Tag, though a consequential little person, did not encourage her in her folly, as the Colonel, her husband, did ; for when they walked off towards the card- room, the baronet quitted her side to mingle again in the gaieties. What was my surprise to observe that he was making his way towards me ! ** Who is this little monster ?" said Sir Jef- frey to me, in a squeaking simpering tone. " Sir Roger Tag, to be sure," answered Lord Alfred, '* renowned for his gallantry, is he not. Miss Mirabelle ? See, he is coming up to you. How amusingly he struts and jerks along.'" " Quite amusing, indeed !" said the goose, Simperby. Sir Roger, (who was, I fancy, a little smitten with me,) knowing that I some- 64 CONFESSIONS OF times dance, had now come up to me, and with a profound bow informed me, " that he had left Mrs. Crone with the Colonel, ohsorving the cord-plai/ers, to solicit the honour of dancing with me in the next quadrille, if I felt disposed so to do." Now I do, generally, feel disposed to stand up when I am asked, and would have had no ob- jection to have done so had Lord Alfred asked me, or any one but Sir Roger Tag; but I could not possibly think of exposing myself so much, as to dance with such a caricature as himself, and therefore, with all imaginable good humour, I declined the honour. Lady Kate looked so satiric, and the two gallants by my side seemed so inclined to smile, that I was much too afraid to stand up. Kate rallies me for dancing, but I do not see what occasion she has to do so. I am not too old to have the use of my limbs, why then should I resign it be- fore my time ?^ For my part, I make a point * The sagacious reader will know how to apply this remark to other ladies in my situation besides myself; especially such gentlemen, in particular, as have had the honour of dancing AN OLD MAID. 65 of Standing up whenever any one asks me who is not a perfect fright, like Sir Roger ; for I confess I am a little punctilious as to my part- ners. If he had but been three or four inches taller, I should not have hesitated taking his arm ; as it was, he had made his journey for nothing, poor man ! and strutted back to his party in the *' cord-room," much discomfited at my refusal. I had, in the course of the even- ing, two or three offers to dance, but was pre- vented from accepting them, as I had refused that of Sir Roofer : and this contributed rather to damp my enjoyment of the evening's gaieties. I am of so sprightly a disposition that I can scarcely listen to the air of a quadrille, without longing to be moving to it ; and while I see the smiling couples figuring to the music, it grieves me, not to be mingling with them. This, my dancing propensity, is well known, and therefore I never want a beau, and scarcely ever miss dancing when I am at a ball. Kate a quadrille with a certain honourable maiden in my neigh- bourhood. CM. 66 CO^JFESSIONS OF does not dance, but is satisfied with looking on, at me. Why did not Lord Alfred engage me be- fore that little fright Sir Roger forced me to re- ject hira ? It was very ungallant of him indeed, I must say ! I was, therefore, obliged to con- tent myself with standing by one of the sets and looking on, and commenting with Kate and the two beaux by our side. Two or three dis- tinguished looking girls, who were not yet * out/ attracted our attention for some time ; but the prettiest dancers in the room by far, were a little group of children, not much more than eight or nine years old, whose Lillipu- tian graces quite enchanted me. The little creatures seemed to enjoy the music so, and de- light so much in displaying their steps and various graces, that it made me quite happy to look at them. Well ! I may be thought childish, but I enjoy a quadrille and its mu- sic, as much as any of these little things did ; and though disappointed to-night in partici- pating in my favourite recreation, I look for- ward to enjoying it on some future occasion. The quadrille at which we had been look- AN OLD MAID. 67 ing, being at an end, Kate and myself sat down to rest ourselves, and make our obser- vations on the people in the room, out of the immediate way of the crowd, glad to escape the inconvenience it occasions. We were soon enabled to enter upon a quiet tete-d-tete, un- disturbed. I shall make no excuse for the freedom with which we criticised people ; not even that we are privileged persons. Lord Alfred and Sir Jeffrey went to talk to Lady Canterly. 68 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER VI. SOMETHING RATHER SEVERE. PROMISES OF OLD MAIDS. " Lord Alfred is sadly affected," I said, as soon as we had seated ourselves, ''though not half so silly as Sir Jeffrey. I declare Sir Roger Tag is far their superior in intellect." "Yes, and heart too," replied Lady Kate, (I am inclined to suspect that he was rather a favourite of hers,) " he is a good little person in spite of his being such an oddity." " Far better than Colonel Crone, certainly," I rejoined ; " he does not come in comparison with such a ninny as Crone." K, " Sir Roger has qualities that entitle him to respect and esteem too. I really like the man, since I understand he has much good- ness of heart." AN OLD MAID. 69 " That is a great thing in this world. I think, on looking round us in this assembly, we shall find a very scanty portion of it ?" X. "As little of it as we shall find of sound- ness of head : as little real virtue as sense." " Do not let us judge too hastily. But see ; there is a most unhappy specimen of society to begin with, to be sure !*" K. " The bloated Mr. T , who is va- lued only according to the number of dinners he gives ; he is talking to a person who seems to have a great contempt for him.'"' ^' Yes ! that proud, ambitious, disappointed, mean, personage. Lord Lumber, — with whom, is his lady.'' K. " What a proud, disagreeable set they are !'' " Yes, and so unsociable, that one might safely say that the limit of their acquaintance is exclusively confined to their own family cir- cle." K. " They say his lordship, haughty as he is, is, notwithstanding, very shabby. " I do not know the truth of such imputa- tion, he is surely much too wealthy to be so." V 70 CONFESSIONS OF K. '' He is needy, in spite of his posses- sions." " Then the rich, yet needy man, is unlike the poor man, as to the possession of honest pride and disinterestedness of spirit."'"' K. " So it should seem ; in this instance at least." " There is that wicked young rake who is just going to be married, — Lord Railingdale."" K. '* Yes, but not to be reformed, I fancy. To whom is he to be married ?''* " To the low-bred, flaunting daughter of Sir Jacob Consols : her money is his object."" K. " He comes of an exemplary race, truly ! A thorough personification of profligacy ; and inherits the family infirmity to its full extent."" " He is talking to a person who is worthy of his friendship and acquaintance." K. " One of that wild Phoenician^ breed — every member of which, they say, is cracked." " There is a curious story about their all * Irish, qu.? — Ed. AN OLD MAID. 71 having lost their shadows. But do you see Mrs. Rigmarole prating away in her absurd mincing sort of voice, as usual T' K. " She always amuses me, — that woman — with her trumpery conceit. She will even set about showing a person how much better she could tie a bow than any one else, or any such silly matter." •■' But the worst of it is, she is such an ever- lasting prater." K. *' Why, she is obliged to prate a good deal, to explain the subtilties of which she is so proud.'* " To be sure ! when a person utters a very silly proposition, it takes some time to explain away the absurdity." K. " She is, certainly, very silly. Did you ever observe the number of epithets which she lavishes on a thing ?''* " Oh, yes ! If she speaks, for instance, of a tall man, she wdll describe him as ' a great un- gainly, scraggy, hideous, abominable, lanky, raw-boned, Harry-long-legged creature ; look- ing just as if he were walking on a great, un- 72 CONFESSIONS OF gainly, hideous, abominable, Harry-long-legged pair of stilts !' " K. " That is her way exactly ; it is the most tiring thing in the world to listen to her, — wast- ing epithets on a shoe-string, or explaining what she says by grimace and gesticulation." " What a very stupid, bantering person her brother is f K. " Yes, he mistakes bantering for wit, and is even a punster into the bargain." " Dreadful ! It is miserable to see the at- tempts at wit and humour made by men who have not a grain of either in their composition. But see how happy Lord Hornfread looks, since he lost his lady." K, *' Yes, as much so as Lady Canterly at the loss of her lord. He used to have the most unhappy care-worn look in the world. He feels himself now an independent person.'^ *' I do not wonder at his not having led the most agreeable life with Lady Hornfread ; for really, the extremely undisguised manner in which she used to encourage the attentions of certain followers. . . ." AN OLD MAID. 73 K. " And her excessive frivolity. . . ."" " And idle extravagance, too. . . . How many children had Ladj/ Hornfread ?"" K. " Three. You did well to say Ladt/ Hornfread — for I believe his Lordship is, ac- cording to report, spared certain claims as to their parentage. The eldest is wonderfully like young Augustus Rotherhide." " And the two youngest not unlike Lord Henry Swivleton. But who is that disagreeable, harsh, sour-visaged, young man ?" K. " It is Avaro Stintly, the most sordid person in the world ; yes, mean in every thing — you know the story of his illnature towards his brothers ?''"' " No/' K. " Why, he left home for a short time, and in order that they should not make use of a hunter of his, in his absence, he took the shoes off and otherwise disabled the creature,"" " Ridiculous as well as mean. Such traits as these are odious in the young : want of gene- rosity in a young man is execrable — worse than VOL. I. E 74 CONFESSIONS OF even the profligacy of Lords Railingdale and Gambleford." K. " Well ! Avaro Stintly, notwithstanding his possessions, universally practises meanness/* " Not far from him, stands Flameden the politician and orator — he has not an over-en- gaging countenance." K. " No ; but unpleasing as he is in manner, and unattractive in visage, yet he is far more agreeable, as well as amiable, than his wife." '* I agree with you : she is all hypocrisy and dissimulation. She wears a smiling countenance as a mask for much spitefulness of heart." K. " Ay, but her failing will betray itself, in spite of herself." " Yes, she is unable to resist saying a snap- pish, ill-tempered, unkind thing, whenever an opportunity offers." K. " Bad as her husband is, I think that if he had known her temper before he married her, he never would have taken such a step." " I remember her as a girl, and I always looked upon her as affording an admirable pro- AN OLD MATD. 75 mise of an old maid ; she was all spite and captiousness then, and is so now. K, " Charming pattern for her children, in- deed r " She is really mean-spirited." K. " A bad-hearted woman, who, because zhe is well off herself, considers that those who are not so, deserve not to be so, whether they can help their condition or not." " Ridiculous ! It is notorious that the most deserving people are frequently the worst off: but she is eminent for her stupid, bigoted sophistry." K. '' Eminently foolish that is: the reasons she gives for her sentiments and assertions are the most ridiculous that can be conceived." " Look at that huffy young person, with one shoulder higher than the other." K. " Oh, that is Miss Sourcroute, the girl who is remarkable for her contemptuous toss of the head and pettish elevation of the shoulder." " What an obstinate little thing she is ! How old is the girl ?" E 2 76 CONFESSIONS OF K. ^^ She cannot be much more than nineteen."" " So much as that ! Oh, then with such a manner, air, and temper as her's, she can never expect to be married." K. " We may safely set her down as afford- ing a certain promise of forming one of the future catalogue of old maids." " Do you see her cousin there ? — she is nearly as bad as herself." K, " Pray what is her amiable failing.?" " A habit of misconstruction and universal misrepresentation." K. " Why, that is to say, she has an inve- terate spirit of falsehood." " Oh, that is too harsh a term !" K. " Nay, it is the true one — that girl is about tlie same age as her cousin, Sourcroute." " Their fortunes bid fair to be similar to each other, with respect to single blessedness." K. " Do not talk of blessedness^ rather say cursedness. For such vile tempers as they both possess, cannot be otherwise than a curse, not only to themselves respectively, but to all around them." AN OLD MAID. 77 " Observe that strange-looking girl with a rueful countenance, ruddy complexion, long nose, and grey eyes !"" K, " That is Miss Azurette, the ' blue' damsel, who leaves the society she may chance to be in ' to retire to her chamber and peruse a few pages of Homer or Sallust/ ''"' " Dehghtful companion ! Who would marry her, I should like to know ?" K. ^' Nobody : she is an old maid already." " She is a person who has no spark of na- tural talent in the world, who is indebted for her ' wit ' to quotations from the newspaper, nor has any notion of giving an opinion of her own w^orth attending to." K. " Not an idea but such as she has gleaned from books." " So unhke the generality of her sex, who are accused of being rather too inventive, ma- noeuvring, imaginative; and endowed with so much nicety of perception." K. " Which always affords them a source of loquacity, in laying open what they sus- pect they have discovered amiss in others, and 78 CONFESSIONS OF even what they feel ought to be suppressed," continued Lady Kate. " Well, Miss Azurette may possibly be corn- passioned up by some pedantic old college pro- vost, who quotes Virgil and the Latin Gram- mar.'" K. " That would indeed be an appropriate alliance for her. She should really advertise for such a thing, if it does not happen to offer itself." " There is a girl whose chance of * going off' I should think very doubtful."*' JT. " What, Miss Cropmere ? It is of her you are speaking ?" '' Yes ; the precise-mannered gir], who utters sentences as if they were axioms that could not be controverted." K. " She is rather pretty, too." " Pretty well. I should think it a great chance if she ever ^ went off." But what think you then of the chance of her friend sitting near her .?" K. " What, of Miss Roistling ? Oh ! that AN OLD MAID. 79 she has no chance at all. She is the most for- ward, — I was going to say even impudent, — girl that I know : her ideas, and manners, and look, and every thing about her, have the indelible stamp of assurance.*" " She has certainly little female softness or delicacy of manner about her." K. " She fancies that assured address of hers to be just so much grace and ease." " She is rather mistaken then, as she will find in time. We must set down both Miss Cropmere and Miss Roistling as certain pro- mises of old maids. But, my dear Kate, do tell me what those extremely indecorous waxen- lookino" f]<T:ures are called." K. " Those are the Misses Rapeseld ; they are certainly fit objects of surprise, as well as exception, — both as to their gait, look, manner, dress, air, and every thing." " I am confident that, although their feat- ures are rather handsome, yet not one of them will ever be married." K. " Why, my dear ?" 80 CONFESSIONS OF " Because I am inclined to think that no person who ever married one of them, could expect much fideUty from his partner." K. " How do you know that ? It is uncha- ritable to judge by external appearance." " It may be so; but by what else is the world to judge ?" K. " You are right. People should be cau- tious about their appearance — especially girls. I think we may set them down as sure. All old maids, every one of them !'' " Standing near them is that girl, with a disagreeable square grin on her face — Miss Mo- lochan, a little demon incarnate, as I am in- formed. She is possessed with the most per- tinacious love of saying unkind things, and cherishing a spirit of provocation, ever known." K. " She is rather pretty, too." " No, no ! Look what a bad expression of countenance she has." K. " She is a girl of the worst heart I know: there is not one of her relatives, some almost her nearest, that she does not cordially dislike and traduce." AN OLD MAID. 81 ** How wicked ! Well, if she ever marries, her husband will have a prize indeed." K. "But marry she never will : for her bad spirit is too generally known. How should it not be, she who sets herself up to be spiteful and malignant towards every body ?" " Rightly, then, will she be left to repent her own badness of heart, disliked and condemned by all who are acquainted with her character !" K. " Do you see that wretched, pale, shri- velled damsel sitting next her ?" " What Miss Haggart ? She has worn out her health and strength by cherishing bad pas- sions, spitefulness, and universal opposition. She might once indeed have hoped to marry, but she now looks plain enough to scare any man away from her.'' K. " She is emaciated, jaded, and old-look- ing." " Yes, really old before her time ; exhausted with continual efforts to be disagreeable to others. K. " Why, then, she is like her cousin, Miss Molochan." 82 CONFESSIONS OF " Yes, the example of the other has made her that which she is ; and what is more piti- ful in the case of this Miss Haggart, is, that she weakly suffers herself to be led away by her cousin, though, at the same time, she cordially dislikes her.'' K. " What a delightful assortment of dispo- sitions we appear to have come amongst to- night! But when we say that none of these girls will ever be married, how can we tell that their several bad qualities are known beyond their immediate family circle ? — for we must consider ourselves as exposing the secrets that lurk there,*'' " Oh, do not suppose that bad qualities are so easily kept concealed : numbers of people whom they little suspect of knowing any thing about them, have heard of their bad dispositions and faults by channels with which they are un- acquainted."^ * I embrace the review of girls at aU ages ; and where the age is not very fully indicated, the reader's discrimination will understand where to apply my comments to childhood, and where to a more advanced age. — C. M. AN OLD MAID. 83 CHAPTER VII. THE CONVERSATION CONTINUED. SOMETHING STILL MORE SEVERE. MORE PROMISES OF OLD MAIDS. "Here comes that affected woman. Lady Flashingdon. Do you observe her eyes ? She could not open them for the world while she is speaking." K. " Oh dear, no ! she always speaks with her eyes only half opened." <4 Were she to open them entirely, their bril- liancy would not exactly strike one dead." K. "No; she is no very great beauty. A street -sweeping mendicant could not pay her the compliment of begging to light his pipe by them — I allude to the old story of the beautifid Duchess. — " " And what a drawling tone she speaks in ! Silly, affected woman !" K. " We shall observe worse instances of 84 CONFESSIONS OF aiFectation, though, than her's, I doubt not, before we have scrutinized many more persons in the room." " Oh, Kate ! do you see that wily-looking, reverend gentleman standing by Lady Can- terly ?" K. " Wily-looking ! Yes, indeed, I think so. Satan never wore a more cunnina: look when he seduced our first mother into tasting the for- bidden fruit ; only he must have looked more agreeable." " His countenance corresponds well with his character : the last is sadly inconsistent with the spirit of his vocation.'' K. " Yes; and the reverend Dr. Sanconia- thon Craft also calls himself the honourable.'* " I do believe that he is one of the most hol- low-hearted men in the world. You know how unkindly he behaved to young Henry Dartingfield ?''' K. " What, in declining to exert his interest for him about the diplomatic situation, as he had promised ? Oh, yes, I remember the cir- cumstance. It was a shabby sort of thing ; and his excuse for not doing so was, that young AN OLD MAID. 85 Dartingfield's parents did not show any ' anxiety about the matter.' " " It was but a hollow pretence — people can- not be so very solicitous on all occasions. They would be then blamed and disliked for beino- impertinent and unconscionable. But a true friend would have saved them any pain in mak- ing applications, and when once he knew what would have been acceptable, have done it with- out waiting to be solicited. And how do you think this reverend man satisfied his conscience that his insincerity and unkindness was right and just ?" K. " I cannot possibly tell !" *'■ Why, by a text from Scripture : — ' ask, and ye shall receive.' I can fancy the man quoting it to himself, and adding in his canting tone, ' they would have acted more like Chris- tidiis had they urged me more.' " K. "" Odious ! this is worse than the cant of the Roundheads of the Rebelhon." " Quite as bad, I am sure, — every bit." " K. " The result of the reverend doctor's insincerity has been a great mischief, I under- stand, to the young man." 86 CONFESSIONS OF " To be sure it has : how many young men are there of the first families, whose only foot- ing in the world and in society is established by the interest of some friend or other." K. " Well, the Honourable and Reverend Dr. Craft will ' have his reward,' I doubt not, in one way or another, either in this world or the next."" " Say nothing about the 7iext : — if hollow insincerity,— if a career of hypocrisy, cant, and cunning, — is to meet with the bliss for which charity, uprightness, honesty, candour, and sincerity may hope, — why the most iniquitous characters may hope for a reward." K. " You are talking of reward in its real sense ; I used it in the sacred irony of the text from which I cited it." *' Then you may be sure Dr. Craft zvill have his reward in the next ; and I am sure he de- serves it in this world too, before he has done with it." K. *' But let us turn from his crafty rever^ ence; I am tired of looking on the meagre canting visage and manner, with which he has AN OLD MAID. 87 made his way in the world, and with which he still imposes on people." " Why, there is the very person he used so unhandsomely !'"* K. •' What, Henry Dartingfield ?" " Yes, walking with his two sisters." /{. " Yes, I see them. What handsome, distinguished-looking girls th'^y are !" " Remarkably so — but the poor young man looks very unwell, and unhappy too." They say he was seduced into risking more than was prudent at play at one time :— that he lost much more than his friends know any thing about, in the set of that sad young gamb- ler. Lord C .'' " You will see that he will soon be separated from his sisters, for they are always in request at a ball." K. " How comes it those two sisters of his are not married yet ?" " I cannot conceive ; they are girls of so much natural esprit, — as well as accomplished." K. " Yes, and so amiable and elegant too. — There is Arthur C bowing to one of them now." 88 CONFESSIONS OF '' C could not do better than make her an offer. He has asked her to dance — thev are walking up to the set that is now being made."" K. " AVas it the youngest that he asked to dance ?" "No, the eldest. There is Lord F . walking up to ask the other now — do you see.'^" K. " So he is. Well, he and C have, in the Misses D. the most elegant partners in the room. Where is their mother, — Mrs. Dartingfield ?" " She was walking with them a moment ago — I see her sitting down not far from Lady Canterly." K. " But, pray observe those spiteful-look- ing creatures the Misses Chatterden ; at no very great distance from Mrs. Dartingfield." " Everlastingly prating as usual !'' K. " Yes, and prating spitefully — they could not speak at all, if it were not to utter some- thing or other spiteful."* * Spitefulness being the most general fault of my sex, I comment on it more than others ki this review of female failings. — C M. AN OLD MAID. 89 " Their countenances indeed show it ; they are as bad as Mrs. Flameden, of whom we were speaking just now. Poor girls! there is some excuse to be made for them, they are disap- pointed, all four of them." K. "Disappointed, indeed.^ How could they ever expect to be married with their disagree- able forward manner .?*" *' They have always had an idea, that so far from being forward and noisy, their manner was engaging, clever, and amiable." K. " How frightful the two youngest of them have lately grown !"" " They afford a charming promise of being the most spiteful old maids in existence.*" K. " And how formal and priggish the bro- thers are !" " A happy family, indeed ! But see, there is another party of girls, scarcely less praiseworthy than they are." K. " Oh, the Toadinglys ! yes, I believe them to be little better than the Chatterdens." "■ They are not so spiteful." K. " No ; they do not at least show that they are ; they are a bad-hearted set, though.'' 90 CONFESSIONS OF " Yes, most unamiable ; they treat their poor, fooKsh, indulgent father, in a shameful manner." K. " So it should seem : the eldest, who is leaning on his arm, seems quite as if she was performing an act of condescension in doing so ; and the father appears as if he was altogether unused to any such compliance on the part of the daughter.*' *' Poor man! such is the result of his own weakness and ill-judged indulgence." K. " It is said that their home is a refjular pandemonium." " That is notorious ; they are everlastingly disagreeing amongst each other ; or if they hap- pen to agree, it is in the expression of wicked and perverse sentiments." K. " It is at those moments, I suppose, in which they join in the chorus of scandalizing their relations and acquaintance." " Yes, no doubt ; they find fault with every body they know." K. '• They pretend to despise young H , AN OLD MAID. 91 their cousin, because he is obliged to follow a profession." " How ridiculous ! Members of the first fa- milies follow professions. Why, he is far the best of all that family, and does most honour to it." K. " There is not one of them whose dis- position or talent will bear comparison with his ; but because he cannot afford to be completely idle, they pretend to say he is not ' fashionable' enough for them."" " Wliy, good heavens ! are they fashionable themselves .^ " K. "No— the most presuming, affected young persons in the world ; who ' go out/ compa- ratively, very little. Their affectation is of the worst kind, as it is compounded with wickedness." '* But then they think themselves naturally so enchanting and graceful, that if they had lived in a routine of gaiety of the highest character, which they have not, they could not have been improved by it." 92 CONFESSIONS OF K. Ridiculous ! that is the mischief of their only having (comparatively speaking) seen themselves : why there are hundreds in every assembly into which one goes, that would out- strip them all to nothing.*" •' Yes, all to nothing. Their cousin, who sees more of the world, and has ten times the acquaintance which they have, must surely be inclined to despise them, rather than entertain any feelings of resentment." K. " With his good sense he must ; but those who are not so indulgent as he may be, will be inclined to think a little more harshly of their conduct, and speak of it as it deserves." " How different are they in disposition from the sisters of Henry Dartingfield ; who must be most happy in them. By the by, I do not see the youngest of those girls here T^ K. " I do not think she is present. What elegant figures they have ! Which do you like the best of the three ? " " I can scarcely tell. They have all much dignity of carriage, as well as grace of air.'*'' K. " Oh ! most patrician-looking girls. It is AN OLD MAID. 93 difficult to say which to admire most of the two eldest ; the hair of both is dark, and the face oval; the eyes of the second are rather larger than her sister's; the nose a soft aquiline in one, and straighter in the other."" " I admire very much the large blue eyes, golden hair, and classic outline of the youngest.'' K. '' It is a pity the Misses Toadingly could not take a lesson from them in manner and disposition." *' The Toadinglys and Chatterdens will make formidable old maids, indeed ! \\ K. " They will together certainly form a so- ciety of old maids, in which all the spleen, ill- humour, and unamiability that can exist in the female heart, will be concentrated." " Here is Lady Lavingham "" Lady Lavingham was leaning on the arm of her son, George Raverton. — " How do you do, Miss Mirabelle?" she said, with that sweet smile which speaks the thorough amiability of her soul — " How do you do. Lady Katharine ? — I think we passed each other in the park this mornmg r ?» 94 CONFESSIONS OF " Yes/* I answered, "•' we had Mr. Raver- ton's company in the park for some time : I hope, Lady Lavingham, your visit to the sea- side was of service to you ?" " Thank you, I think that aUogether it did me good ; but 1 feel these crowded parties rather more than I hke." They passed on up the room, as well as the throng would permit them. " Sweet, amiable creature, that Lady Laving- ham f I said to Kate. K. " Yes, it quite distresses me to think she is so much an invalid." *' She has also been very unfortunate — " K. " She lost her youngest boy not long ago. A very fine child he was too." " And her only daughter the year before, which was more distressing still." K. '* She has been really unfortunate all her life ; and can have but few agreeable recol- lections." How jealous her elder sisters were at her (( marriage !" K. " Yes, they have lost no opportunity of showing her ever since, how much they were AN OLD MAID. 95 mortified at her being selected before them by Lord I.." " But she is so amiable that she never showed the slightest resentment of their unkindness."" K. " Not the least — in doing which she has rendered them doubly contemptible in the eyes of those who knew them. You know they always said she was a miserable, weak creature, with whom they might do what they pleased, and catechise as they liked." " They were much mistaken if they thought their sister wanted discernment to perceive the malice that actuated all they said and did with respect to herself: and much mistaken, too, were they, if they thought she wanted strength of mind to combat it." K. " It is a pity, though, that she never did combat it : it would at any rate have unde- ceived them ; but she was too amiable to wish to oppose herself to her sisters, and therefore gave way to them, and let their malice flow on unchided and unrestrained." " She is certainly the most completely lady- like, charming woman I ever knew." K. " It is a wonder a pattern of so much 96 CONFESSIONS OF gentleness and amiability as she is, has lived so long as she has, — since we too often find such exemplary natures but short sojourners in this sphere : but she is so delicate that I fear she cannot live very long." " 1 fear not : — well ! her perfect goodness of heart need not render her very apprehensive but that she will be repaid in another state of exist- ence for whatever she has been denied in this." K. " Do you see her sister, Mrs. Candour- lesse ?'' " Yes, there she is, sitting next to Colonel Dashly. She has rather a pretty face, but what an unamiable expression she has in it ! Her looks exactly betray her disposition — a pleasure in saying what may mortify others." K. " Unhappy, mean-spirited character ! I cannot bear such natures. Her daughters are just the same as herself; as like her in charac- ter, temper and disposition, as they are in coun- tenance and feature. Do you see Lady La- vingham's two other sisters ?" " No, they are not here ; one is, I believe, in the country, — a silly, capricious, affected AN OLD MAID. 97 woman ; and the other is just gone abroad with her husband." K. " What, that vain man, Sir Hervey Lap- wing ?*" " Yes — she doats on him — and so they are happy enough. She is of a disposition just like that of her sister, Mrs. Candourlesse." K. " Who is that dowdy young person, talk- ing in such a grimacing way with Arthur Quiz- zett .?" '' That is Miss Mimicton ; — her sole occupa- tion has ever been that of taking off the voices and manner of people ; and she ought by this time to be tolerably perfect in her task : she never speaks but with a sneer, which is disa- greeable enough in a man, but in a woman nothing is so repellingly unfeminine. Plain as she naturally was, she has now distorted her features so much, by assuming the looks and countenances of different people, that one does not know what to say of her face.'*'' K. " I wonder that a person who exhibits so many causes of exception and ridicule in her- self, can be so imprudent as to indulge in gri- VOL. I. F 98 CONFESSIONS OF macing at others, as she does. She affords another promise of being an old maid." " She has the same disagreeable square grin about the mouth, that one of the Miss Molo- chans has." K. " So she has ! I thought I had seen some face that put me in mind of her. But look at that flighty person, with her staring round black eyes and ruddy little face."" *' She sets up for a genius — the most vain person is she in the world. She does a great many things — plays, draws, dances, sings, pre- tends to speak every language in Europe, and calls herself something of a Sappho into the bargain." K. " Yes, but she does every thing badly. She is a completely vain person." " She has managed to get married, though." K. " Yes, no wonder : her husband is a person of no discernment, little sense, though of polished manners. He looks up to her as a divinity, and gives way to her in every thing. But do you see how earnestly Henry Darting- AN OLD MAID. 99 field is talking with that ill-bred ninny. Colonel Dashly/' *' Yes. If his language is strong, I dare say it is so with reason, for Colonel Dashly is everlastingly catching up people with some frivolous, vexatious, impertinent objection or other." K. '* Yes, and in the rudest manner too. Little does he deserve the title he assumes, of a ' man-of-fashion,' an insignificant creature as he is, with no sort of pretensions whatever. You know, he has nearly ruined himself, not in any real spirit of fashion, but through an empty-headed, affected, foolhardy idea of ' dash- ingness.'" - " He is indeed, then, deserving of contempt. Why, if my eyes do not deceive me, there is old Quizzaby in the room." K, *' So he is, I declare. I have not seen him out anywhere for some time. I knew him again at once by his strange manner, his ner- vous tricks, and ridiculous grimaces." " Curious old man ! He is a sad annoyance, I understand." F 2 100 CONFESSIONS OF K. " Dreadful ; and makes such a fuss about the merest trifles, wherever he is concerned, that people are sick of him." " He has some good traits about him ; I be- lieve he gives a good deal away in charity.'*' K. " I do not know how that may be. He is most cringingly mean towards his superiors in rank ; and I really believe, as to his charity, it arises from mere love of ostentation, — for if ever he is informed that such and such a person in society, is not blessed with affluence, he exhi- bits the meanest disregard of them." " Miserable, narrow-minded man ! It is painful to contemplate dispositions so mean. Who is that talking to him .?" K, " Another strange old person ; a cousin of his ; a relation of the Chatterdens.'' " So he is — I heard that he was much offend- ed at their conduct the other day. They said something extremely unkind and injudicious to poor Mrs. Heartling," K. " It shows his good sense; I therefore admire the old man, although he is so strange a being." " His faults are not of the heart — now, old AN OLD MAID. 101 Quizzaby is in many respects a bad-hearted man." K. " And there is that unconscionable little ninny with his theatrical manner !" " You mean little Squintame ; the man who pretends to fall in love with every woman he sees." K. " Yes : but who is that youth that is walking with Lady Stakefield, quite at the other end of the room ? They are but just come." " That is Eustace Mervingale, a very amusing genius, and with a good vein of satire. He is a great favorite of Lady S.'s." K. " Has he not credit for a poetical turn, too r " Oh yes ! Lady S. and all her female ac- quaintance will tell you that.'* K. " Well, he seems to make himself in re- quest." ^' But the dancing appears to have come to an end just at present, and there is a general movement towards the door." K. '* They are going down stairs. Here come Lord Alfred and Sir Jeffrey to hand us down, no doubt." 102 CONFESSIONS OF " Well, Kate," I said, as we were getting up from our seats, " we have taken an interesting view of the qualities of both sexes this even- * 11 ing. K. " It is not a very flattering one, — but a very true one." " What think you of the chance of any of those girls whom we have set down as affording ' promises of old maids,' of being married ?" K. " Oh, they have no chance at all T' AN OLD MAID. 103 CHAPTER VIII. AFFECTATION. " LA BELLE MIRABELLE" SADLY DISSATISFIED. Are there any to whom the satire of my two last chapters has come home ? — for the satire is equally true, though it comes from a person who herself has her follies and faults. If it has ; so much the better for those who will pay attention to it, and profit by it. But to quit this topic, I fancied I observed a look of dis- content and jealousy on the countenance of our entertainer. Lady Canterly, at the attentions Lord Alfred Gambleford was paying me. Sir Jeffrey Simperby handed down Lady Kate, and Lord Alfred offered me his arm. It is a sad thing I made poor Lady Canterly so jealous. There is no fault which I am more fond of marking out for exception and ridicule, than 104 CONFESSIONS OF that of affectation. It is a general remark, that people are always blindest to their own defects ; and if it is true, that what in myself I consider naivete^ is in fact affectation, why, I am willing to own myself as blind as the rest of the world. But though blind to my own failings, I cannot think myself so as to those of others ; and in proceeding to expose the affec- tation of Lord Alfred Gambleford, I have in view similar absurdities in two or three young men of my acquaintance. There are so many species of affectation in young men, that it is difficult to select that which is most deserving of ridicule:^ the species which I have chosen, is that which exhibits the silliest coxcombry. I feel that I could perhaps have done more jus- tice to any exposure that regarded the failings of one of my own sex. It has been my wish to make Lord A. as ridiculous a figure as I could in this ' School for Vanity' of mine, by way of counterbalance to the large preceding amourit « 'IV To give an instance or two from the manner of speaking. The voice is sometimes so droj)t, that there is no hearing a word : at others, the drawl is so outrageous, that a 'yes' is scarcely uttered under five minutes — * Y-e-e-a-as' — at last the portentous monosyllable comes forth. AN OLD MAID. 105 of female failings. His voice and air in speak- ing are left to the reader's imagination. On enterincv the scene of the entertainment, my attention was strikingly directed towards the mistaken elegance and want of real taste with which it was decorated, and the entertain- ment itself laid out. The ornament of the room was tawdry, and there was too much of it : the tables also displayed too many ornaments. In fact, a fantastic appearance was given to the whole arrangement. I was given shortly to understand, that Lord Alfred's affectation had lent its aid to promote this result. '• Don't suppose," he observed, raising up his eye-brows, and smihng with a ridiculous self- complacency, " that all this arrangement is Lady Canterly's : this she manages to effect, in consequence of being occasionally favoured with a morning ' look in' from myself." " Then it is to your taste that she is in- debted for so much elegance in the arrange- ment of every thing here ?" " Why I suppose that is something near the truth : you know. Lady Canterly can do F 5 106 CONFESSIONS OF nothing without me — positively nothing — "" (shaking his head, with the most absurd air of conceit) — " why, Miss Mirabelle, if I should happen to be on the Continent during a season in town, she could not gi\e a single party worth coming to." " Lady Canterly must, indeed, have been delighted at your assistance on the present oc- casion." " Delighted r " I wish we could procure a seat," inter- rupted Sir Jeffrey Simperby, whose simper was even more foolish then the conceit of my ex- quisite chaperon Lord Alfred. He was just behind me with Lady Kate. " Oh, Sir Jeffrey," I replied, " it is a thing to be despaired of at present ; we should have come down sooner — but unfortunately, we did not get out of the room till nearly every one had thronged on the staircase long before us." " Sadly vexatious, however !" again simpered the Baronet. '' Yes, and by the time we get to the table, every more elegant refection will have disap- peared/' observed Lord Alfred, in a tone of AN OLD MAID. 107 rather rueful affectation ; " now, I do not mind this as to myself,'** he continued, " but then, it is melancholy to think how we shall ever be able to procure any thing for yourself and Lady Katharine, before you faint. I am to- tally at a loss to conceive how !" " Oh, do not be concerned about us," I said, for Lady Kate and myself; " we shall not quite faint." " Gracious, I fear you will ! You have been now standing up these seven minutes and three quarters, I am perfectly positive ; I judge of your feelings from my own, and / am so fa- tigued that I scarcely can stand, I assure you !" '* I wish it were possible to procure you even a little ice ; but there is such a crowd ....*' simpered Sir Jeffrey to Lady Kate. " Believe me," continued Lord Alfred to myself, ** what with the anxiety that this party has occasioned me, as being the planner of the thing; and the total inability to get a seat either for you or myself, I am positively ill." " I am very sorry for you. Lord Alfred," I said, " but do not distress yourself on our ac- count ; and as for the party, I think you may 108 CONFESSIONS OF relieve yourself from any anxiety on that score, for it has succeeded beyond any thing. There are none here, I am sure, that can help being pleased." " Yes," replied Lord A. " but they would not be so pleased if they were sequestered thus in the rear as we are." " Without any chance of advancing, either !"" simpered the Baronet. " Oh, the people appear to be going up stairs again," said Lady Kate. " Yes. I think we shall find a seat now, at that corner, on the left hand side," rejoined her gallant. " Find a seat, possibly, when you are there ; but how you are to get at it from hence, I should be glad to know," said Lord Alfred. " At any rate,"" I said, *' the crowd is much less than it was." '* Thick enough still," said Lord A. ; " however, let us try ;" and accordingly we essayed to make our way, bit by bit, through the still considerable host of persons with which the intervening space was occupied. At last, in something less than half an hour we succeeded AN OLD MAID. 109 in establishing ourselves in a seat. A few of the ' more elegant' specimens (as Lord A. would say) of all that Gunter or Jarrin had supplied for the entertainment, still remained — but not many. Most of the guests had now gone up- stairs again, to witness the recommencement of dan- cing ; yet the room was still tolerably well filled with such persons as had, like ourselves, been till now in the back-ground. Amongst the rest was Sir Roger Tag, who had been straining and stretching upwards his little bullet of a head, and hoisting himself on tip-toe, to endeavour to look over the shoulders of the persons before him. What had become of Colonel and Mrs. Crone I know not. As I did not see them either now, or in coming down stairs, I con- cluded that they had taken leave of the party. If so, Sir Roger Tag had not considered it advisable to follow their example. To the ex- clusion of Lord Alfred, he managed to consume the last remaining drop of some punch a la Romahie • however, there was iced champagne. The little man looked very much piqued at me for declining to dance with him, and avoided 110 CONFESSIONS OF coming in my way for the rest of the evening ; though he exhibited no coolness towards me whatever, afterwards. Having walked up stairs again, I was hoping that Sir Roger would go away by that time, and leave the coast clear for me, to dance with any one else that might ask me ; and indeed so he did : but just as I was looking towards Lord Alfred, in hopes that he would solicit the fa- vour of stepping a measure with me, away he started with his glass up to his eye, to look at the beautiful heiress, Miss Gracely, who was at the other end of the room ; and of whom, upon my word, I felt inclined at the moment to be very jealous. Well, this was but fair : I have made others jealous of me^ and therefore I may well afford to let others make m^ a little jealous of them now and then. How I should have enjoyed a quadrille that evening ! Altogether, I went home dissatisfied with the party : that vile Sir Roger, why did he ask me to dance, and prevent my dancing with any one else .? — and that coxcomb. Lord Alfred, why did he run away, after we had gone up ytairs again, to look at a girl because she hap- AN OLD MAID. Ill pened to have a little money ? I do not like being slighted, I must confess ; because I feel that I do not deserve it. However, this does not often happen ; and I consoled myself by vent- ing my spleen upon my prudish cousin, and laughing at the caricatures presented by her- self, her husband, and the little good-for- nothing monster, Sir Roger Tag. Lady Canterly was evidently cool when I took leave of her : she would not have been so, however, had she known that her gallant had abandoned his attentions to me so abruptly and unceremoniously as he did. I hope she will punish him for his airs : it will serve him right, and teach him better behaviour. Kate provoked me, too, a little, as she was not in- clined to sympathize so much as I could have wished in my discomfit are. I passed a restless night, and awoke the next morning with a slight head-ache. 112 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER IX. "la belle mirabelle" makes a decided conquest this evening. A DAY or two after Lady Canterly's ball, I received an invitation to dinner from my old friends, Lord and Lady Frippington. I shall not trouble myself about filling up the interven- ing period, farther than by saying, that Lady Kate and myself being at the Opera, we saw Lord Alfred Gambleford and Lady Canterly, as usual, sitting together in the same box, and that, on Lord Alfred's coming round to speak to us, I did not receive him in the same en- gaging manner I had been used to do. I had not yet forgotten his excessive want of attention towards me. On the announcement of the names, " Lady AN OLD MAID. 113 Katharine Ratlinoton" and '' Miss Clorinda Mirabelle," the whole party was intent on be- holding our entree, or rather I may say, my entree ; — for I can speak for myself, that I had to encounter the fixed gaze of every body in the room. Lady Frippington received us with a smile, in which I fancied a little more was conveyed than mere satisfaction at seeing us — something that looked hke amusement. There seemed also an incipient smile on the countenances of the other people in the room : it proceeded from ad- miration, no doubt — it is really quite surprising how young I look ! — I don't mean to say that I am old, — but I look so very young. Lady Kate is not at all envious of me, poor thing ! She is a good, amiable creature, and in this respect far superior to most women that I know. Lord Frippington pressed my hand in the cordial way that he always does ; but seemed, I thought, to betray a smile of an equivocal character, as he turned round to resume his conversation with a gentleman to whom he had been speaking when we entered. In fact, I seemed to form a subject of interest to every 114 CONFESSIONS OF body in the room, whether young or old: I will own I was in very good looks that evening. Dinner being announced, I fancied, from their countenances, that there was a feehng, rather, of rivalry amongst the gentlemen, as to which of them should have the honour of hand- ing down myself. That they were inclined to be a Httle jealous of each other I cannot much wonder, though their courtesy made them will- ing each to give up the distinction to the other. Lady Frippington desired her son, Arthur Quizzett, " to take Miss Mirabelle." Accordingly he stepped forward, and offered me his arm : Poor modest young man ; at first, how amiably diffident he looked ! But after- wards, so proud w^as he to have had a distinc- tion before every gentleman present, that he seemed for a few moments elated beyond his usual composure. We sat next each other at dinner: after he had a little come to himself again, we had the most delightful tete-a-tete imaginable. I have been so used to see people fall in love with me in the course of my blooming days, that I take such a thing as a matter of courae, and pay AN OLD MAID. 115 little attention to it. I was in the present in- stance really disposed to pity young Arthur Quizzett, who evidently, before the second course made its appearance, was so smitten with me that it was perceptible to the most casual observer: even an old foreign Duke, who was blind of one eye and could see but indifferent- ly with the other, must have perceived it, had he not sat on the other side of me. If such suspicions had not been well founded, why should the eyes of young men on the other side of the table — Arthur Quizzett's friends— have now and then wandered rather inquisitively to- wards his ? And why should they have smiled at the same time ? They did so doubtlessly out of good-humoured malice, because they enjoyed his confusion. They did not stop here : in order to tease him more and make him jealous, they also showed me the most marked attention. There was scarcely one of them that did not ask me to drink wine: this they took care to do, for the additional purpose of being able to gaze on my — assuredly captivating — countenance, without the imputation of rudeness. But to leave thtm^ and to turn to my friend, 116 CONFESSIONS OF Mr. Quizzett. " Are you to be at the great ball, Miss Mirabelle ?"" said he, in a languish- ing tone. " On Thursday next, I suppose you mean, for the benefit of the distressed manufacturers ?**' I replied. " Yes. One of the theatres, Covent-Garden, I believe, is to be metamorphosed into a ball- room for the occasion ; the pit raised to a level with the stage, et cetera.'* " Yes, I think I shall be there. I beheve Lady Katharine Ratlington has offered me a place in a box which one of her family has taken for the occasion ; it will be so dreadfully crowded below." " My dear Miss Mirabelle, you must not think of secluding yourself in a box ; I was promising myself the pleasure of dancing with you, if you are not pre-engaged. I know you are fond of dancing." " Oh ! Mr. Quizzett, I shall be happy to dance with you ; but I fear the crowd will be too great to admit of any dancing. Besides we cannot exactly dance, unless we secure * a set' made up of ourselves." AN OLD MAID. 117 " Leave that to me — we shall soon muster a set from my sisters and cousins: and com- plete will it be indeed, if you will condescend to form one in it." " I shall be delighted to do so ;— but we must consider what character of dress will have the best effect; for we ought all to be in uniform." " I assure you, Miss Mirabel! e, when I understood that you were coming to dine with us this evening, the thought struck me of asking you about your intentions of going to the ball or not, and of course I suggested to my sisters the hope of your forming one of our party ; and this farther led to speaking of the dresses.*" " Really !" " And I assure you they have a very pretty idea in their heads: they have fixed on a pat- tern that is one of the prettiest I ever saw." " What ! then they have been making pre- parations already ?''"' I observed, looking with a smile towards the Misses Quizzett, who were at the other end of the table." " Yes, indeed, have they. It is a subject 118 CONFESSIONS OF of no small importance, even to those whose beauty needs no additional decoration, — Si^ you are perhaps aware. Miss Mirabelle." I smiled, and tossed my head on one side, with a pretty engaging jerk ; and in so doing very unfortunately happened to whisk it against the shoulder of the good old foreign Duke, and occasioned the upsetting of a glass of cham- pagne over his waistcoat, just as he was rais- ing the sparkling draught to his lips. This little mishap occasioned more pleasantry to the spectators (to judge by their countenances) than to the Duke himself. I instantly tossed my head on the opposite side to that on which it had done so much mischief, (whereby I am afraid I gave Mr. Quizzett a gentle rap on the temples,) uttering my apologies, and blushing in a manner which I am sure must have dis- armed the most impatient tempers of any feel- ing of vexation : it certainly disarmed his. Unfortunately, the Duke's blind eye being next me, he did not discern my blushes. " I was right, was I not. Miss Mirabelle, in observing that you were fond of dancing .?" " Yes, I enjoy it excessively ; it affords an AN OLD MAID. 119 animation that few other amusements do— a light-heartedness and general good-will — I speak of the effect it has upon myself; I am in good humour vvith every body whilst I am dancing" (' Oh, you are always in a good humour, Miss Mirabelle!') "and then the music is agreeable and inspiring at the same time."" " Remarkably so — at least to you ladies — as for myself I am not the most spirited of dancers." " It is really a sad pity that you do not take a little more interest in the thing". It is no compliment to your partners, and surely no credit to yourself." .... " Oh, Miss Mirabelle, you are severe !" " Now, next Thursday, Mr. Quizzett, I shall insist on your daiicing.'''' " That I certainly shall make a point of doing — I shall feel myself bound to do so^ with such a partner as yourself- — my pvoor sisters will be thrown completely into the back- ground !" — (he said this in a subdued and vastly pretty, despairing tone.) " Mr. Quizzett, you flatter me !" 120 CONFESSIONS OF " I think," continued he, " that I have been behaving cruelly to them, in urging you to go to the ball and outstrip them so. I hope the room will not be too crowded." " I am sure I am as anxious as yourself that it should not." " These excessive crowds at dances often pre- vent all dancing whatever : and to walk through a figure, is really the most one can sometimes do;' " I agree with you in deprecating such crowded parties ; even the capering foreigners have been obliged to put up with pacing through a measure, on account of the throng." " Do you know our German acquaintance the Baron, Von Blosterbomb ? — he is to be at the ball. He valtzes beautifully, and charming will it be for you, to take a round with him in the course of the evening. Of course, you have no objection to valtzing ?" " Not the least. I shall be delighted ! Above all dances I admire the valtz,"* when it is not too quickly danced ; there is so much grace in * The reader may please himself as to saying waltz, or ▼altz. AN OLD MAID. 121 it : but to see couples twirling round after each other in anxious race, and seeming as if they would run against each other, is, I must con- fess, not so agreeable.'' " I entirely agree with you. Miss Mirabelle ; as for myself, I never valtz — unless I can get a very beautiful partner. It is not otherwise worth the trouble — because some foreigner or other is almost sure to be the object of attrac- tion in a valtz, and engrosses the attention of the whole room to himself. I do not admire feeling myself thrown into the back ground so !" " Oh, you vain young man !" '' However, there is no reason for me to be uneasy at the idea of not being conspicuous enough next Thursday — with such a partner."" A complacent smile acknowledged a second time the youth's amiable compliment. It was now time for the ladies to withdraw. The Misses Quizzett seemed desirous to know if their brother had been talking to me about the ball ; and we all stood talking by the fireplace in the drawing-room for some little time, about VOL. I. G 122 CONFESSIONS OF the various persons of distinction who would be there, and the brilliancy of the spectacle. Lady Frippington suggested that I should go up-stairs with her daughters, and look at Sophia's (her eldest daughter's) dress, which had been already sent home from the mantua-maker's, Madame Delia's. So up-stairs we went, and consumed half an hour and more in admiring the pattern and colour of Miss Quizzett's dress, which was the exact model of those which were now making for her sisters. *' You see how patriotic we are, Miss Mira- belle,'' said Sophia, holding up the gown to the light — " this is English silk, ordered expressly on this occasion for the purpose of giving our mite of patronage to our unhappy, distressed countrymen." * " I hope you will follow our example, Miss Mirabelle," rejoined the second sister, Lucy."" " That I shall be too happy to do, I assure you. I never require being urged to show my compassion for my unfortunate countrymen. * I am sure Miss Mirabelle introduces this purposely in tlie characteristic kindness of her heart : and the occasion, of which she speaks, is a designed anachronism in her history. — Ed. AN OLD MAID. 123 Every thing I have on at this moment, is of genuine English manufacture." " My brother tells me, however, that there are not many patriotic people now^ observed the youngest sister, Caroline. " As for ourselves," said Miss Quizzett, " it is not our intention, at present, to wear any foreign silk. But how this pattern will become you. Miss Mirabelle !" continued she, holding the dress up to my waist, and leaning back to contemplate its effect. " Yes, will it not, Sophy?" said the second sister. " Miss Mirabelle will look quite charming in it." " I declare she will," added Caroline. " Do you not think so, Blanche ? " said she, address- ing in French a young person, who had just then come into the room. Blanche looked at me and then at Miss Quizzett, uncertain what to say exactly. " With a pretty light wreath of roses in your hair, I say your appearance will be de- lightful," repeated Caroline, turning to me. G 2 124 CONFESSIONS OF '' Yes, a wreath of roses will be so much in character !'' continued Sophia, smiling. " I see, that of course you intend dressing in some character,"" I said. " Oh, yes, and in a very pretty one too," she answered ; "" we intend to personify the Seasons : by we, I mean ourselves and our cousins, the D s and Limblys. 0«r set will represent Spring." " And Miss Mirabelle will make a charming Flora !"" interrupted Caroline. " Oh, Miss Quizzett," I exclaimed, " can you really mean to say so ! — I suppose you will have enough persons to make up all the sets ; for yourselves and your cousins will scarcely be sufficient, with only the addition of myself ?"" " The Arvens are to help us — the sisters of George Arven, who sat opposite you at dinner. But I am so glad you are in our set !" " Yes, it was pleasant to fill it up so agree- ably, when we wanted a person,'' said Lucy. " Oh, dear !" said I, smiling. " Nothing could be more fortunate,*" con- tinued Miss Quizzett, as she consigned the dress AN OLD MAID. "125 to Blanche ; " and so now," she continued, " let us return to the drawing-room." On entering the room we found my friend, Arthur Quizzett, with the whole party of young men round him, whom he seemed to be amusing excessively. As / entered the room, their group separated. Sophia told her brother that she had been showing me her dress as a pattern for my own. " It is very pretty, is it not, Miss Mirabelle?'- he observed. " Exceedingly so !" I replied. " It was my choice, I assure you, then. My sisters have to thank my taste for that pattern." " Arthur," exclaimed Caroline, " how can you say so ? Indeed, we only asked your opinion about it." " We had fixed on it before we spoke to you about it," added her sister Sophy. " Well, then, it does the taste of all of us great credit," rejoined Arthur. '' Does it not. Miss Mirabelle ? I thought it would meet with your approbation." " That it does, indeed," I replied ; " I shall 126 CONFESSIONS OF certainly send to Madame Delia, to get a dress made exactly like it.'' '' Upon my word," continued Arthur, " it will be a very pretty thing — this set of ours! Who are to be your partners, Sophy ?" '' George Arven has asked me to dance ; and Lord Walterton dances with Caroline/* " And who is to be your partner, Lucy ?" At this moment Lady Frippington sat down by my side, and I continued talking with her for the rest of the evening ; so I did not hear any more of the consultation relative to the ball. On Lady Kate's carriage being announced, I and my friend took our leave. " A very pleasant party," said Lady Kate, when we were seated in the carriage ; " you seemed to have a good deal of conversation with Arthur Quizzett." " We sat next each other at dinner." " A very agreeable young man he seems to be.^'* " He is to be my partner at the ball next Thursday." AN OLD MAID. 1£7 " What ! you are dreaming of dancing, again, as usual ? I suppose you will be making me dance as well as yourself soon f said she smiling. " As to that, you may do as you please, Kate," I replied ; " for myself, I think it rea- sonable to enjoy my limbs as long as I have the use of them ; I can see no reason why I should not." Kate said nothing, but continued smiling. After a moment's silence, she resumed, " Per- haps, then, you go with the Quizzetts ?"*' " Yes, as I am in their set, I shall ; so that you and myself can meet each other there, and go away together after the ball." " Very well." The carriage whirling rapidly over the pave- ment, round the corner of the square, into the street in which I lived, drowned Lady Kate's voice in its clatter ; and after having landed me at my own door, she went home, agreeing to pass the evening of the next day with me ttte-a-ttte. This was always a pleasure both to my friend and myself. As for going out to 128 CONFESSIONS OF any parties between this time and the period of the ball, it was in my own instance given up ; and though it may appear childish, no other engagement but this could meet with any attention from me. Nevertheless, I must for a short time lay aside the thoughts of it, in order to show the reader how agreeable an evening Lady Kate and myself could pass together by ourselves. AN OLD MAID. 129 CHAPTER X. AN evening''s tete-a-tete \vi [h lady KATE, AT MISS MIRABELLE's: — CHARAC- TERISTIC. Who will not envy the pleasant evenings that Lady Kate and myself pass together when society has no immediate claims upon us? — though that is not very often, so much are we in request. Seated down at dinner, it is our pleasure to dispense with the attendance of our servants as soon as we can : these are — when we dine at my own house — a tall dapper footman, a grave elder- ly domestic, and a young, black urchin, my page, called Mungo : — he takes care of Fido, the little spaniel. And now, the soup having been removed, we are left, for a while, to ourselves ; and enter more fully upon our mutual sallies, G 5 130 CONFESSIONS OF droll recollections, criticisms, satiric reflections, and daily gossip. If the reader should feel inclined to join us at table, he will find the repast for so small a party very simple from first to last. Rissoles? volauvents, cotelettes {aux point es d'asperge^^fri- candeau, — epigramme, macaroni, soufflet, cream — will serve as a specimen. By the by, I must just remark, that the cumbrous ornaments with which some people think fit to decorate their tables, are all in bad taste, and worthy only of such persons as Lady Canterly. We sit for a long time after dinner, our chairs drawn close up to the fire, whenever the weather is at all cold enough to require one : and when it is almost out, we adjourn up- stairs to the drawing-room, to be greeted with a fine blazing flame, which makes my room look so cheerful that it quite delights me. We ne- ver suffer any dessert to be brought up after dinner, but reserve any thing of this sort till the tea-things are brought up. At about half past nine o'clock, my little sooty page, Mungo, brings up two cups of green tea (of which the AN OLD MAID. 131 weakest is for me — I am so apt to be nervous) and a little tray with marmalade or some other compote. After placing these on the table, he lifts a large agate bowl from a side table, and puts it down by the tray. Then exit my page Mungo, whilst I take the lid of the bowl off. Woe to its contents, should any urchin " let loose from school,"" peep beneath its lid. There, lurk dainty nick-nacks of a thousand descrip- tions, and varieties of nicety : thence do I pro- duce burnt almonds, orange chips, boxes of bon-boiis, quaint little conundrums in the shape of cakes, sweet biscuits, fingers, etcetera. With one or two of these we amuse ourselves, till we are inclined to direct our attention to something else. This " something else" is generally a game of cards — not chess — I am not fond of chess ; it is the only thing that has power to ruffle my sweet temper, and I cannot bear risking the chance of having its harmony discomposed by so unworthy a cause. For the same reasons, Lady Kate prudently forbears meddling with that game : and so by mutual consent we leave it to greater philosophers than ourselves, and 132 CONFESSIONS OF resort to ecarte, or perhaps cribbage, or some other game at which two people can play. Our stakes are never suffered to run high : we are not 'dashing' enough to gamble ; nor are w^e am- bitious of acquiring such a proficiency as might induce such noble lords and gentlemen, as think nothing of fleecing a new acquaintance out of some " cool thousands" at a sitting, to lounge over the backs of our chairs. So we confine our gains and losses within the moderate bounds of a guinea. As high as this, we deem it worth while to venture, in order to keep up a sufficient interest in the game : but we al- ways manage, with the utmost amiability in the world, to let our gains and losses be reciprocal. This is but innocent pastime, and its harmless- ness does not make it, to me at least, the less agreeable. It would be better for certain ladies of my acquaintance, if they observed similar moderation in their card parties. Gaming, however, in our sex, is not now, what it was in Evelyn"*s time — or even, so late as that of the Duchess of D . If I knew it to be so, I should certainly have taken an opportunity of AN OLD MAID. 133 pointing the shaft of my satire against it ; as I have done in other instances. But 1 have forgotten to mention my room, which I may call at once my drawing-room and my boudoir, for it is scarcely large enough to deserve the name of a drawing-room, and cer- tainly too large to be, strictly speaking, a bou- doir. It is a remarkably pretty apartment. Its cheerfulness consists chiefly in the lightness and elegance of pattern of the furniture, and the reflection occasioned by two large looking- glasses, at opposite ends of the room. A por- trait of Lady Kate, by Harlowe, (a beauty,) hangs on the left side of the fire-place, and one of myself, by the same artist, on the other : Alas I it is not quite finished , death snatched off* the artist before he had rendered the por- trait a perfect beauty. Of course, when I speak of beauty in the portrait, I allude to the art- ist's execution — not the charms it pourtrays — let them speak for themselves. But I never look upon that unfinished painting without the most sincere regret that the artist's life was not spared ; for being something of a connoisseuse in 134 CONFESSIONS OF the fine arts, it is my firm opinion he would one day have rivalled Lawrence himself. Then, over the little table on which stands my agate bowl, there hangs a small and lovely portrait, by a Spanish artist, of St. Cecilia. There used once upon a time to hang up some- where in the room, a portrait of my old brother, by Zoffanni : I always considered it a frightful harsh-coloured performance, and should have been glad to see it out of the way ; but since a certain quarrel, which has taken place between my brother and myself, I did not hesitate at once to dismiss the portrait from the room. For some time it was thrown into the lumber- room, when I directed the servant to get rid of it : he accordingly gave it to a chimney-sweeper, who, I believe, turned a penny by selling it for the decoration of a sign-post ; unless I was mis- informed, it now hangs up, or did hang up till lately, as the sign of the Saracen's Head on a place called Snow-hill. Besides these specimens, I have two beauti- ful full-length ' Sir Joshua's', down in the din- ing-room. One of them Lady Kate made me i AN OLD MAID. 135 a present of; she first sent it to my house because she had not quite room to hang it up in her own, which is nearly full of paintings, of which she is as passionately fond as myself. Perhaps my readers think me too minute in dwelling upon all these particulars : if I am, I am sorry for it, but, being myself very fond (as all my sex are) of sifting a story to its dregs, I am silly enough to think the same of my readers, and shall therefore inform them that my curtains are of rose- colour — my favourite colour. The paper of the room matches with this, only that it is perhaps a shade darker : two or three hand- some old white and green china vases stand between the windows ; and the balcony with- out is filled with camelias and mignonette, geraniums, and pinks. These flowers I take great pleasure in looking at and watering; so that, when by myself, I have a good deal of occupation, besides that of my romantic contemplations. What with romantic morn- ings, cheerful evenings, pictures, flowers, and 136 CONFESSIONS OF the friendship of Kate, — the admiration of the men, the jealousy of the women, my httle spaniel, my toilette, and my natural good-temper, where can a happier maid be found than Clorinda Mirabelle ? I don't know how it is, I always feel more satisfaction in passing the evening at my own house than at Lady Kate's ; whether there or here, she is ever the same charming, good- tempered, amusing companion ; but then her room does not please me so much as my own. The furniture is not so much to my taste, although very elegant without doubt : her rooms are both larger and of more handsome proportions than mine, yet I prefer my own house to hers, as much as I prefer her to any other woman I know. It sometimes happens that we are not in- clined to play at cards ; if so, we then amuse ourselves with looking over an album, which Kate has made with my assistance. It contains various effusions, all of our own com- position, both in prose and poetry : odd anec- dotes also we insert in it, descriptions of cos- AN OLD MAID. 137 tumes that have struck us in our summer expeditions on the other side of the Channel. These are embellished with an appropriate design, either a landscape, or a figure, of the costume of which is attached a description be- low it; if the subject be droll, a caricature ge- nerally stands at the top of the page. The latter sort of drawing I leave to Lady Kate, who is an excellent caricaturist. There is a figure of myself in this style, as I generally appear at an evening party ; and although I am half inclined to be angry with her for draw- ing it, yet it always disarms my displeasure by its excessive drollery. The album also contains other descriptions, other characters and caricatures, which will perhaps be reviewed at some future period, for the amusement of my readers. All the land- scapes are executed by myself: we both of us paint prettily enough in water-colours, and I am sure our album may boast of as much va- riety, entertainment, humour, and originality, as almost any bauble of its kind. In the sen- timental portion of it, there is a fine figure of 138 CONFESSIONS OF Albert, with a beautiful Indian back-ground as a relief. Besides having our album to amuse us, we have between us a casket of cameos — a collec- tion common enough, I dare say, but these are favourites ; as we brought them with us from Rome, in our earliest visits to the Continent after the Peace. But neither the casket, nor the album with all its conceits, nor pictures, nor flowers, nor cards, afford half the pleasure that our conversation gives us ; when these are all put by, the last will often keep us up till a late hour, unconscious of the rapidity with which the time flies. It is at length time to separate : — Lady Kate's carriage has been long waiting at the door, and each fair maiden wishes her fellow, a " good night !" ** x\nd rosy dreams, and slumbers light." AN OLD MAID. 139 CHAPTER XI. AN INTERVAL OF ANXIETY AND EXPECTATION. The next morning, at about half-past two o'clock. Lady Kate called as usual, and we took our drive : the day being very fine, we went to Richmond. I enjoy going there to look down from the hill upon the river and the valley im- mediately below. It is but lately that we have left off riding in Richmond Park : we used, occasionally, by way of change, to drive out there, and get upon our horses close by the Park. I was once a most adroit horsewoman, but do not now like taking exercise on horse- back so well as in a carriage. When we do not extend our flight so far as Richmond, we content ourselves with a drive in the Park, and then we have homage paid us 140 CONFESSIONS OF by various gallant youths on horseback, who come one after another, poking their heads in at the window, to change one or two words with us ; I am, now and then, not sorry to see them get their heads rapped against the window- frame. — We are sometimes besieged by these gallants rather more than is agreeable : — it is a sad misfortune, in some respects, for damsels to be so interesting and handsome as Lady Kate and myself are : my career has sufficiently proved the truth of this. My head was so intent upon the events of next Thursday, (it was now Monday,) that, as I have observed, I had no inclination for going out anywhere in Ithe interval ; so my evenings were passed with Lady Kate : and numerous were our speculations on the beauty of the spectacle, and the distinguished personages that were to be present at it. A conversazione and an invitation to see a party of children amused by an Italian juggler, were declined on account of my, perhaps childish, anxiety about the ball. Anxiety was it, indeed ! for from this present moment to that of the eventful evening of the AN OLD MAID. 141 gaieties, I can scarcely say how many consul- tations there were between myself, Lady Kate, and Eugenie, as to different parts of my dress. What conflicting opinions were there, too, be- tween us upon the comparative fascination of my appearance in pink or white ! But pink was the colour fixed on by the Miss Quizzetts — a most delicate pink, like the first blush of the opening rose-bud in Spring. Our gowns were to be ornamented with a slanting chain of white and red roses alternately, in front— ex- cessively becoming to me! (I must really give scope to my characteristic naivete.) As to the arrangement of my hair, I consulted two or three French hair-dressers about it at different times. I ultimately resolved upon sending for Isidore on the evening of the ball. I lost no time in apprising the man that I should want him " on Thursday next, — at such a particular time :" — when he sent me back word, that he had orders to wait on two hundred ladies or more, before he could possibly come to me ; since their orders were all previous to mine. I was too angry to believe the man spoke the 142 CONFESSIONS OF truth : the fact is, I suspect he did not much relish the idea of dressing my hair, since the dye with which it was saturated, used to stain his fingers so, that he could scarcely make a decent appearance to dress the hair of any other lady. This I take to be the real reason of his excus- ing himself from attending upon me. Since, then, I was unable to procure Isidore on the evening of the ball, I was determined that he should come now and give Eugenie a lesson, so that she might supply his place, against that great occasion. Accordingly he came: and the girl, adroit and clever as she was, soon became mistress of the instruc- tions he gave her ; so my heart was in some measure at rest upon this point. As for ornaments of dress, every thing was to be in character : a wreath of roses was to adorn my head, in the place of the diamond braid I generally wear when I wish to look most bril- liant and dazzling. (N. B. — This diamond- braid was presented to me once on a time, as a small token of attachment from a noble and AN OLD MAID. 143 despairing lover.) Whether I shall wear my large necklace of topazes, I do not know : they give my skin an eclat certainly — of that I am sure. I must consult Lady Kate about wearing them or not. Eugenie admires ray ball-shoes, pale pink, with a white rose at the instep. She is struck with the pretty minnikin size of my foot — silly child ! I fancy she wishes to flatter — she says that it is the prettiest she has seen in her life : she does not make a bad use of her eyes either, generally speaking. Eugenie certainly is a girl of taste : she admires me uncommonly, and always says I am in good taste, and very dis- tinguished in my appearance. Now I like this — ^because it is candid in the girl. A moment ago I called it flattery, but I am willing to change my mind ; Eugenie is too sensible a girl to flatter. Will these little remarks on my own person make me incur the imputation of vanity. If they do, alas ! what defence can a sprightly and engaging maiden offer, but by an appeal to 144 CONFESSIONS OF her want of sophistication, natural naivete, and perfect ingenuousness of disposition ? Are the playful observations which she makes on her- self to be called by so harsh a term, as that of " vanity ?*" — rather consider them as so much pretty and becoming self-complacency. I could obtain but little sleep on the night preceding the looked-for day of the gaieties. I remained awake, and heard the clock on the stair- case strike every succeeding hour from one till four. Four hours of sleeplessness, — not tedious indeed, but anxious, — did I endure. They were spent in thinking over my dress, my appearance, my figure, my tout-ensemhle. First did my thoughts turn upon the glitter and glare, the din and gaiety of the ball-room — now upon the elegant figure of my partner, Arthur Quizzett, " making the agreeable," by my side— -now they contemplated his sisters on the opposite side of the set, one of whom had as her partner, the Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz Hum- graussen Theodoric GgouszkerzschofF Von Blosterbomb. AN OLD MAID. 145 At about a quarter past four o'^clock I fell into an agreeable slumber, and reviewed in my dream all that I had just been ruminating on, and what is curious, with more minuteness even than before ; to be sure the sleeping dream was not quite so systematic as the waking dream had been, but hurried me backwards and forwards, now to my looking-glass from the ball-room, now to the ball from the dress* ing-room : — here, I saw Eugenie all solicitude and adroitness ; — there, I viewed my partner all smiles and attention at my side. A thousand mirrors sprung up before me, behind me, by ray side, above, below, reflecting my form, and extorting from me a confession of its elegance. I receded — still they exhibited my retiring graces. The dance was now in operation— the music sounded in my ears— my heart beat with satisfaction — when suddenly a hubbub seemed to spring up, and a confusion to ensue : the gaieties were all at once obscured by some cloud of mishap, as I thought — what it was, I had not time to learn— for I was suddenly VOL. I. H U6 CONFESSIONS OF aroused by Eugenie, just as I was on the verge of the catastrophe — she was gently pulling the sleeve of my bed-gown to awaken me. As soon as she had effected her purpose of unclosing my eye-lids, she asked me if I knew what oVlock it was. " No ; what o'clock is it ? it cannot be very late — you have awakened me from such a de- lightful dream." " It is time it were finished then," replied Eugenie ; " for it is half-past two o'clock." " Past two, Eugenie ! Good gracious, then, let me get up immediately ! Is Madame De- lia here with my dress !" " Yes, she is, indeed — she has been here this full half hour. What could have made you sleep so long this morning, Miss Mirabelle, may I ask ?" " I had no sleep, child, last night ; that is to say, not till four o'clock — my thoughts were ?o occupied by all that is to happen to-day, or rather to-night. But give me my dressing-gown ; I must get up without further delay.'' I slipped on a pair of pale grey silk stock- AN OLD MAID. 14)T ings, and put on my dressing-gown. Eugenie asked if she should bring up Madame Delia : this I desired her to do directly, and at the same time to let me have breakfast as soon as possible. She had scarcely gone out of the room when my eye glanced upon the dial of my watch, which at night, when I go to bed, I place in a blue morocco stand. The hour was later than Eu- genie had said. I could not repress an invo- luntary exclamation of surprise and discomfi- ture at the advancement of the day ; for late it was, when I considered that I had various ne- cessary commissions to perform, with reference to the circumstances of the coming evening. So I was anxious, as soon as I could finish trying on the dress, — not to mention composing myself afterwards from the nervousness attendant on such a ceremony, — to order the carriage and forth on my commissions. Up came Eugenie, accompanied by Madame Delia : the full-length stand glass was placed in the most advantageous light. Eugenie fixed it in the best position, while Madame Delia and h2 148 CONFESSIONS OF myself proceeded to put on the dress. After she had fully arranged it upon me, but not till then, I ventured to direct my eyes to the glass, timidly inquiring of it, the account it should give me of my appearance ; — but I was relieved from all apprehensions at the first glance — the dress became my figure, and my figure the dress, to a miracle. It looked quite enchant- ing ! Madame Delia was dismissed with smiles, praises, and approving nods of the head, — Eugenie and herself having assisted in taking off the dress again, and depositing it with due care in the most spacious region of my ward- robe. The carriage was ready at the door the mo- ment I had finished dressing. I will confess to my reader, that the object of my expedition was to provide myself with a fresh supply of the peculiar hair-staining essence, or dye, before mentioned. There is no one item which tends to swell out my perfumer's bill to such an amount as this ; having a fine thick head of hair, I consume a great quantity of the dye to darken it properly. If possible, the dye is a lit- AN OLD MAID. 149 tie too blue — rather too much of a purple tint. Still there is no reason in the world that this should be unbecoming. A " blue beard," as it is called, in a man, is admired as a most beauti- ful feature : why then should not hair of a blue tint be as becoming when on the head, as on the chin ? There is no reason whatever why it should not. But this purpleness of tint on my head, leads, by means of combination, to other and more striking effects ; for as I always put a certain portion (a judicious portion, of course,) of rouge to my cheeks, the hues of the purple and the red become apparently blended together, and between them, cast upon my complexion the hue of an Orleans plum — or as gardeners call that fruit, an '' ar/ame."* It is certainly a very original charm, and never fails to attract the attention of all present. If I did not feel that it elicited admiration as well as attracted attention, I should not continue to wear it ; but as I am too confident of this to be mista- * By the by, the French name for the white buUace plum is, '* la mirabelle.*' 150 CONFESSIONS OF ken, I look forward to its forming as great an attraction at the ball, as it did the other day at Lord Frippington's dinner party. This it was, no doubt, that excited such a sensation on my announcement, and assisted in inspiring Arthur Quizzett to show me those very marked atten- tions, that he was this evening to renew. Having provided myself with a cargo of the essence, and some few other cosmetics, I pro- ceeded to the arduous duties of my toilette. I shall not put the reader's soul on tlie rack by a detail of all mv suiTerincrs in that undertaking: — my nervousness, anxiety, the pains I took and the time I exhausted — time, alas ! would there had been a little more of it ! With some parts of my dressing, I am distressed to think it, I was obliged to hurry : but, on the whole, its termination beheld me shining with a lustre of beauty and becomingness, tliat was far more striking this evening than it had been on that of Lord Frippington's party. Conceive me, after the combined efforts of Eugenie and my- self, equipped in all the adscititious graces of fashion, and distinguished in those that were AN OLD MAID. 151 natural to me. Conceive me, engaged be- fore the looking-glass in the drawing-room, now glancing my eye hastily over my figure, now gratifying myself with a more deliberate gaze, twirling myself about in all attitudes, advancing, receding — receding, advancing — paus- ing, approaching, and pausing again. A full half hour witnessed me scrutinizing my ap- pearance, now approving it piecemeal — now dwelling on the effect of every grace of dress and person combined — now admiring the ar- rangement of the head — now the set of the dress — the slanting chain of roses in front and ele- gance of the flounces — now the prettiness of my shoes — my gloves — the arms on which they were drawn — the graceful fall of the shoulders — the slimness of the waist — Hogarth's line of beauty, so conspicuous in my neck — the gentle swelling of my bosom — the modest protrusion of my stays, that bespoke me not too much embonpoint, but still of a fair and becoming plumpness, such as Rubens would have de- lighted to dwell upon, as a model for the figure of a Virgin Mary. I say, conceive all this. 152 CONFESSIONS OF Conceive an air of distinction pervading the whole appearance that I have described. See my eye lighten with satisfaction at the contem- plation of myself, and the smile (which I chid as it arose) more than half inclined to display itself. See my countenance alter all at once — behold my frame thrill for a moment with timid agitation (not indeed painful), while my fea- tures are betraying a transitory expression of nervousness, as the loud double rap thundering at my door, proclaims that my party have called to take me up on their way to the ball. AN OLD MAID. 153 CHAPTER XII. THE EVENTFUL EVENING. How pleased my partner seemed to see me ! His countenance strikingly wore that satisfied look that shows itself when any agreeable expectation has been answered more fully than our hopes had presaged. He, no doubt, found me looking handsomer than he had ever reckoned on. There were two carriages : one was occupied by Lady Frippington and the three Misses Quizzett ; the other by Lord Frippington, myself, and my partner, Arthur Quizzett. My dress, luckily, did not get rumpled ; we proceeded so slowly in consequence of the great line of carriages, in about the middle of which H 5 154 CONFESSIONS OF we were, that all motion quicker than a mere crawl, was prevented. Now and then we were sensible of a jolt, as the coachman availed him- self of any little vantage ground that might at intervals be conceded him — as the foremost carriages were discharging their freights, and wheeling off to make room for those in their rear. Not the satisfaction of a warrior after he has received the thanks of a nation for a victory — nor that of a witty author after having con- cluded a sentence with one of his brightest sallies — not the joys of a gourmand over the delicacies of his plate — of an artist over some choice and cherished gem of his cabinet — could exceed mine, as I was ushered into the wide spectacle of splendour, fashion, and gaiety, by my gallant partner, Arthur Quizzett. Our entry attracted immediate attention : all eyes were particularly turned upon myself. I could see by the smile of admiration what an effect my appearance produced. What with the striking sort of purple complexion which I have described myself as possessing, — the colour of my hair — the superiority which my maturer AN OLD MAID. 155 charms had over the comparatively babyish prettiness of the Misses Quizzett, I do not won- der at the admiration I awakened. " A very fine girl that !" I fancied I over- heard Sir William Jokington remark to a per- son near him. — '* An amazing eclat about her countenance/' replied the other, with his eyes turned up to the great chandelier over our heads. — " You will not see such another figure in the whole salon," rejoined the Colonel, put- ting his glass up to his eye, and looking round the tiers of boxes which were crowded with rank and beauty. The Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz Humgraussen Theodoric GgauszkerzschofF Von Blosterbomb, had now strutted up to Lady Frippington and her daughters, bowing and curling up his sandy mustachios, with a most frightful grimace. After saying two or three words to Lady Frippington, he asked Lucy Quizzett to dance. The other two, Sophia and Caroline, were already leaning on the arms of George Arven and Lord William, and it was not long before " the Spring Season" (by far 156 CONFESSIONS OF the most elegant and tasteful set in the whole salon) stood up and formed a quadrille. I shall not, of course, dwell on a description of myself in the dance ; but let the reader ima- gine me sailing in conscious dignity through " Vtte,^' or holding my arm gracefully up in the chain of " la poule.'''' Now, if the reader be one of my own sex, let her read without envy. Unmoved, let her view my form, twirling about in the rigadoon step, instead of the balancez ; — I cannot help still dancing that rigadoon, having been used to it from a child in the old cotillons. If the reader be a gentleman, let him pause over this picture, either in mute admiration, or with exclamations of delight, as it may suit him — let him conceive the fascination of my look as it beamed with approbation of my partner's gallantry, whether in advancing hand in hand, at the commencement of the figure, or at its conclusion — let him wish himself in that partner''s place, touching the soft kid that enfolded my taper fingers, and smiling with a consciousness of the distinction which he enjoyed. AN OLD MAID. 157 I doubt whether those elegant girls, the Misses D , in the same set with me, (cou- sins of the Quizzetts) attracted so much notice as myself; though they are persons whom all must admire. I must say for young Quizzett that he really danced his best that evening ; he was all cheer- fulness, all sprightliness and satisfaction : it would have been very odd if he had not been so — a beautiful spectacle around him, and a fair partner at his side I What more could a man wish for ? He must indeed have been made of harsn materials, had he not been ani- mated into gaiety by such incentives. The Baron Van Blosterbomb was decidedly jealous. I saw him cast two or three looks at Arthur Quizzett, that bespoke there was something more passing in his mind than he would have wished to express, but which he could in vain hope to conceal by his counte- nance. After the quadrille I walked round the room, or theatre, leaning on the arm of my partner : I looked about for Lady Kate, but could not 158 CONFESSIONS OF see her at that moment. I met numerous acquaintance of distinction. The Royal Prin- cesses were presiding over the gaieties, as ladies patronesses of the entertainment. Of course every body of distinction was present; but I flatter myself that nobody attracted more no- tice than myself. A valtz now succeeded, to the satisfaction of the Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz Humgraussen Theodoric GgauszkerzschofF Von Blosterbomb, who straddled up to me, grinning from under his sandy mustachios, and politely solicited the honour of valtzing with me. Sweet man ! affable diplomatist ! though his mustachios were diabolical, yet his manners were fascinating. With an inclination of my head, turned graciously, and gracefully too, on one side, — a gentle protrusion of the chin, — drawing down my mouth with a pretty pout- ing smile, — I conferred the honour solicited of me, and placed my arm in that which the gallant Von Blosterbomb offered me. The music soon set the couples in motion. The Baron led with me. The bystanders must AN OLD MAID. 159 have had a charming treat ! Myself, such as I have pour tray ed myself — the Baron, dressed for the occasion, in full uniform, — whiskered, booted, and spurred :— by the by, his spurs once or twice slightly grazed my heel, and made me feel an inclination to ejaculate ; but the brave fellow grinned in my face, as much as to say, '' You must expect this in waltzing with a militar}^ German Baron !" Then his flaming red — (what shall I call them ? — dear ! dear ! — there is no other word — so not to mince the matter, I must say at once) — ^breeches, that fitted beautifully tight ! — a gold-laced jacket, that came down to his waist, terminating behind in a bob-tail, surmounted by two sugar-loaf buttons — all gave him such a noble air. If he had bent himself a hetle less forward, towards his partner, and a leetle less backward towards the ring of spectators, his attitude would have been perfect. The valtz was no sooner over, than we se- ceded from the ring, of which we had been the ornament, to walk about and converse, for as to sitting down it was impossible ; there was 160 CONFESSIONS OF no such thing as a seat to be had, and the trouble of fighting our way up to a box, was too great to be worth our while to encounter, though there was a place for me in that which Lady Kate''s friends occupied. We conversed in French : the Baron spoke, not the best English, nor much Italian, and I, not a word of German. While I was yet thinking of my friend Kate, my eye lit upon her form ; she was standing leaning against the pillar by the side of the stage, engaged in endeavouring to stifle the propensity to merriment about some- thing or other. As this was just in her silly way, I thought little about it, especially as there were two or three gentlemen whom I knew to be facetious characters, talking with her. I begged the Baron to come up towards her : he had been introduced to her, although their acquaintance was but slight. When I had ap- proached quite close to her, she said some- thino; to me in a low voice — at the ter- mination of which, she put her handkerchief up to her mouth, to prevent herself from AN OLD MAID. 161 laughing — while I was as nearly bursting into tears. I preserved my composure for a mo- ment, and begged of her to withdraw with me, and suffer me to speak a word with her. She did so. I had no sooner passed beyond the pale of the gaieties, than I gave vent to my feelings of mortification, by bursting outright into tears, which it was no longer in my power to repress. Lady Kate, who was an excellent-hearted creature, forgot her merriment in compassion for my distress, and with her own hand ap- plied her handkerchief to my eyes. By the assistance of one of the gentlemen who had been talking with her, she managed to find her servant, and get me safe off in the carriage. It was long before I could recover my composure, in spite of all my friend's consolatory exhorta- tions to be pacified, and not to mind what had happened — that it would be forgotten the next day. But her consolation was of no avail : my mortification could not be so easily appeased, or my chagrin dissipated. For weeks and weeks I secluded myself from society, and was 162 CONFESSIONS OF confined within my own doors by indisposition, as well as shame and confusion ; for weeks and -vveeks did I continue to upbraid Eugenie, for the dreadful oversight, the inexcusable stupidity — the wilful malice, as I termed it in my distress — of which she had been guilty. Let the reader judge for me, whether I, who had fancied myself so much admired on the evening's festivities just now described — fancy- ing myself, too, well worthy of such admiration — flattering myself that all the pains I had taken at my toilette were not in vain — that the observation I had excited had been attracted solely by my charms — that no other cause than this had inspired the gallantry of my partners : — let him judge, I say, whether I had not just cause for mortification, when I discovered that instead of all this, I had been an object of uni- versal ridicule — that the whole company had been amusing themselves at my expense — that my partners had only played a part, in showing me off to their gaze and mockery ; for, will it be be- lieved ! I had actually omitted to No, I have not courage myself io describe the cause of my AN OLD MAID. 163 grief and humiliation ; I must transcribe the catastrophe from the newspapers, which were full of little else but jokes on the subject, for a whole week afterwards. The following is a specimen of these obnoxious paragraphs, ex- tracted from a morning paper : — " The celebrated elderly maiden lady, with whom all the world is acquainted, without the necessity of our giving her initials, made rather a singular mistake at her toilette on the evening of the late grand ball. She presented a most curious appearance, which we can describe by HO other term than that of ' pie-bald.'' Every one who has any acquaintance with her pe- culiarities, must be aware that the lady in question uses Essence of Tyre to disguise the snows with which invidious Time has sprinkled her locks ; but, by an unhappy oversight, only the front part of her head appeared coloured on the evening in question, forming rather a curious contrast to its hinder part, which still was left in its wintry livery of grey. She certainly deserves the thanks of the public for the amusement which she has afforded them. 164 CONFESSIONS OF We are confident that no farce, no burlesque, no pantomime, ever more completely secured its effect, than this oversight of La Belle M We will say no more. We have heard it in- deed observed, that ladies of a certain age, in a state of single blessedness, are apt, on occasions, to fortify their nerves with cordials. This we believe to be a vulgar error. We can hardly suppose that the lady in question forgot what she was about at her toilette from any such cause. Her head, perhaps, might have been turned, but not with (we should hope not, at least, in her sta- tion of life) any ' strong waters.' We recom- mend more prudence in future ; and advise other ladies, in a situation similar to that of the subject of these comments, to take a warn- ing by her example." — Morning Post. This paragraph, I must further confess, is copied by me, third hand, from a Sunday paper, which had inserted it second hand, from the jour- nal cited. Vulgar, scandalous sneers ! I could not have incurred more derision had I been guilty of a score oifaiix pas ! Alas ! that I slept so late on the morning of the ball ! This was AN OLD MAID. 165 the unhappy cause of the scramble which the whole remainder of the day presented ! Hurry in dressing, and misfortune in conclusion ! Heavens ! what lauffhin^ there must have been at the club-houses in St. James's Street, amongst the officers ! What envious laughter at Lord Frippington's ! What tittering all through the country ! Oh, good gracious ! I was at the time nearly driven frantic at the idea !^ The circumstance of my malicious partner, Arthur Quizzett, calling to see me on the morn- ing after my disgrace, was as cruel as the ex- posure itself of which I had to complain ; the plaguing inquiries of all my acquaintance for a whole week afterwards, were a torment. I had * After all. Miss Mirabelle's exposure is not so bad as many that could be instanced. Amongst all that might be recounted, that of * La Muskerryy' in De Grammont, is, perhaps, the most dreadful. In justice to the reader, the editor must observe, that though the colouring in the present instance may be a little heightened , yet that, generally speaking, the fair author's deli- neations, particularly those relating to her own menage, or her own peculiarities, (to say nothing of the characters on which her satire is exercised) are actual portraits from existing originals. 166 CONFESSIONS OF no peace — my street-door was assailed from morning until night ; my house was one intole- rable and upbraiding echo : my tears were wiped from my eyes in vain — I was ashamed to look even Lady Kate in the face — my old bro- ther called — I would not see him. He came, as he afterwards informed me by a note, to offer me some consolation. Thousjh at first his visit enraged and irritated me ; yet I have since had an idea that his intentions were kind. I could support the sight of no one — the smile that would encounter me, or the distortion of the muscles produced by endeavouring to suppress it, would either of them be equally mortifying, and too much for me to bear. Eugenie was discarded, and was received by a lady who had once or twice expressed her approbation of her : all my servants, excepting the little black, Mun- go, were dismissed, and new ones hired in their places. Mungo not long afterwards left me, and went to live in the service of Kate, who had taken a fancy to him ; and instead of being my page any longer, he became her's. I determined on leaving town as soon as I AN OLD MAID. 167 could : to slay to the end of the season would be more than I could endure. Change of scene and place, I felt to be the only remedies in my present state of agitation — the only means by which I could hope to be brought to myself again. Gracious ! dreadful is it to reflect on the shocking exposure I had made of myself ! At the time at which it happened, I really never expected to recover from the shock it occasioned me. 168 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER XIII. A SHOPwT CHAPTER, BEING A BULLETIN OF HEALTH. Feightened, however, as I was, at the idea of seeing any body else, I managed to summon up courage enough to admit Lady Kate when she called as usual. Her natural love of mis- chief and malicious playfulness were now for- gotten in her endeavours to console and put me in spirits again. She was indeed a most kind- hearted, compassionate creature, and on the present occasion I do not know what I should have done without her. Alas i how blind are people to their own de- fects ! I, who had so everlastingly found en- tertainment in the oddities or absurdities of others — of my old brother — of my cross, prud- AN OLD MAID. 169 ish cousin and her husband, of Sir Roger Tag, and various others, was now crest-fallen myself, and the object of public derision. The good-humour and amiability of my friend Kate brought me by degrees to myself again, through the course of a long absence from town, during which she accompanied me, at first on the continent, and after our return, to two or three places on the sea-coast. So much did I regain my spirits and wonted composure of mind, that on the commencement of full season in town, I felt that I should have sufficient confidence to make my appearance again in society ; so I determined to put a good face on the matter, and accept invitations as before. Two or three elopements and a glaring case of crim. con. served to keep my exposure in countenance ; and the joke against me was now growing weaker and weaker every day. I therefore shunned the presence of nobody, only with this diff*erence in my appearance, that I discarded the use of Tyrian Essence, and con- cealed my time-honoured, and essence dis-ho- noured locks under a handsome cap, from be- VOL. I. I 170 . CONFESSIONS OF iieath which some becoming false curls supply the place of my own : their colour is a dark auburn. I have also left off rougeing, to the extent I used to carry it, so that my complex- ion has no longer that " plum bloom*" about it, which it once had. If now and then I dab on a little rouge, it is very sparingly and faintly applied — scarcely perceptible, indeed. There may be some excuse in my retaining the use of this, since it is a habit to which I was early reconciled, by seeing every body when 1 was a child wear it as a matter of course. I wonder people do not now do so : some few perhaps do ; but not the generality. Rougeing is a part of dress ^ the object of which is to make the appearance as becoming as possible; and if judiciously and slightly applied, rouge is a most decided embellishment. My appearance, as may easily be supposed, is by these reductions in my toilette, conside- rably altered—not to my own satisfaction, I can assure my readers, although the world says, in its carping way, that I have been brought to my senses. I am certainly not nearly so fasci- AN OLD MAID. 171 Dating as I was before. I am not the young, girlish-looking thing I used to be ; the change of coiffure and decoration altogether, has robbed me of at least twenty years in appearance. Come ! come ! after all, I do not look so very old — still, however, I look more like an old maid now, than a young one Albert ! Albert ! couldst thou now see me, what wouldst thou say ? Alas ! cruel thought ! My looking-glass now began to upbraid me, and brought to my recollection the lines of Prior, on the subject of regret over beauty that has faded. I grew less fond of looking at myself in it. It was some little time before I could get reconciled to the cap and false curls. I began to entertain serious thoughts of seced- ing from the ' gay world,' and retiring to a cottage which I purchased not long ago in the country : — more of that hereafter. On the whole, I am able to inform my friend, the reader, (who I am sure at the end of the preceding chapter must have been anxious about the state of my nerves and my health,) that I had recovered from the blow my spirits had I 2 172 CONFESSIONS OF sustained ; and though I went out less into so- ciety than I had before been accustomed to do, yet I was once again cheerful whenever I mixed in it, and a fit companion for my dear, whim- sical friend, liady Kate. Let it not be a matter of surprise that I should be restored to my wonted confidence, when we see, every day, " knaves and fools," in the teeth of the most gross exposures of their roguery and absurdity, still showing themselves in the world, armed in native brass, — kept too in countenance, as they are, by thousands as impudent, absurd, and knavish as themselves. Dear me ! how se- vere my misfortunes have made me. It is no wonder that I speak thus, under so strong an ex- citation of feeling. The restitution of my con- fidence, however, conveys a lesson with it, which may be as well not thrown away — which is, that in trivial, and pardonable instances of ex- posure, such as my own, people should not be too sensitive under derision — that they should not suffer themselves to sink under the storm of temporary obloquy : they will find things come round in time, and their own lapses forgotten AN OLD MAID. 173 in those of their neighbours, who will, no doubt, soon succeed them in the same slippery path. Advice such as this, is of course not intended to be addressed to those that can be guilty of knavery and foolery of a grosser nature: I mean, such as those to whom I alluded a mo- ment ago ; they, however, have a great deal too much impudence, too much shameless effron- tery, ever to be in danger of sinking under any obloquy, stigma, or derision, however strong and however just. BOOK THE SECOND. THE OLD maid's ROMANCE. ** In questa guisa gradirei ciascuuo Insidiator di mia virginitate, Che tu dimandi amante, ed io, nemico." Aminta. BOOK THE SECOND. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTION. " LA BELLE MIRABELLE" BETRAYS SYMPTOMS OF CRAZINESS. " Why, dear me, Ma'am ! what can be the matter with you this morning? Miss Mira- belle ! .... Ma'am! .... Why, I 'm quite frighten- ed ! .... Ma'am ! . . . . Miss Mirabelle ! I must send for the medical men this instant, I 'm sure ! . . . . Why you are surely ill this morning, your hair too is all disarranged, and hanging about your shoulders so !— and you look so wild ! your eyes fixed first on the ceiling and then on the paper before you — and writing so fast .... I can't think what can ail you. Ma'am, this morning. I shall not be easy till Mr. Dos- ingdon has been ' fetched,' and Lady Katharine too." i^ 178 CONFESSIONS OF Such were the expressions of surprise uttered by my maid, Cautely, a decent, middle-aged woman, whom I had lately engaged. She was going out of the room to put her threats into execution, when I called her back; and told her that she might send for Lady Katharine if she pleased, but that, as for the attendance of any medical man, there was no necessity for it, as I had nothing at all the matter with me, and therefore begged that her fears might be quieted. She looked very incredulous, in spite of my assurances that I was perfectly well, and was hardly satisfied with sending for Lady Ka- tharine, in doing which, she lost no time. The servant soon executed his commission : scarcely had he returned, before her Ladyship made her appearance. She hurried up stairs, and entered my room almost out of breath, and looking very eagerly at me. " My dear Clorinda, I am quite alarmed : your servant brought me word that my attend- ance was required immediately, as you were very ill and almost out of your mind." I put down my pen, smiling at her uneasiness AN OLD MAID. 179 about me, telling her not to be frightened : that I was not out of my mmd, and was really inclined to be angry with Cautely for sending her any such exaggerated message. " Well, really,'' replied Kate, *' I do not wonder at the woman's mistake ; you look most singularly strange this morning. What freak can have come into your head ?"*"' " Why, if you wish to know what I am about, I am writing a romance." " A romance ! gracious ! but why could you not have completed your toilette before you sat down to write ? I do really think that you are a little cracked." " No such thing," said I, much amused, ar- ranging my dishevelled locks under a cap as I spoke ; "all this disorder proceeds from the hurry in which I was to indite my thoughts — (I am but following the example of Mrs. Rad- clifFe. Joanna Baillie, Miss Edgeworth, Lady Morgan, and other great blues) — if I had not made haste, they might, perhaps, have evapo- rated, and I should have lost a pretty begin- ning that I had hit upon." 180 CONFESSIONS OF C6 Upon my word," replied Lady Kate, your romance ought to be very precious after all this anxiety in its birth ; — and, pray, who is your hero ?" " There will be many heroes ; but no hero par excellence.''''. '' What ! no hero ?" *' No, — yes, — perhaps there may be, too : — but" the principal person is a heroine.** " Well, then, who is your heroine ?"" " Why, who should she be but myself!" " Yourself ! Oh ! you are penning a little piece of autobiography in a romantic shape ? A pretty idea, no doubt ; but what put it into your head to set about such a thing ?" " You know, I go out much less than I used to do ; and as I have often thought of amusing myself by reviewing, on paper, the past scenes of my life, which have really a good deal of interest about them, I thought I might as well employ my time in this way as in any other." " I suppose that by ' reviewing the scenes of your past life,' you mean that you are about to recall the absurdities of those charming gentle- AN OLD MAID. 181 men, whose portraits hang up over the mantel- piece in your bed-room ? Is that it ?" " Why, certainly, I cannot omit making them a prominent feature in any history of myself, and shall assuredly not spare their follies." "But you can never make them all figure on your pages."" " Oh, no ! not half of them. I shall confine myself to speaking of those only who have any peculiar character about them." " You will do rightly — but is your work to be entirely comic, or rather comic satire ; or is it to be both tragic and comic alter- nately ?'' •J " I suppose it will be chiefly comic, or, as you suggest, a comico- satiric romance, since I have to deal with so many absurd and ludi- crous persons; but previously to launching into the middle of their vagaries and my own, I intend being serious for a time." " Why, Clorinda, is it possible you can ever be serious ?" " To be sure I can, when I please ; how can 182 CONFESSIONS OF I help being so, when I revert to scenes which are in themselves painful to my recollection ? You do not suppose that the vanities of dissipa- tion have rendered me so completely vapid that I am not capable of a serious thought ?" " Oh, no ! I have too much opinion of your sense when you think proper to exercise it : — nay, some few months ago, I was thinking that you had been rendered so marvellously sober, that you had forgotten not only the vanities you speak of, but your romantic inclinations as well." " I was, indeed, sobered at the period to which you revert; and who would not have been so, by such an exposure as I suffered ? But no temporary shock, however severe, can stifle the romantic spirit which is natural to me. It is not my fault that I am romantic — I can- not help being so." " Well, keep your romance within steady bounds."" " That, I promise you, I will, — until the pe- riod arrives at which I can let it out without full effect, in all its " AN OLD MAID. 183 " Fantasticality^^'' said Kate, as she finished the sentence for me. " You are laughing at my undertaking too soon ; that is unfair. Now, I assure you, on my word, Kate, I do not intend treating you with either fantasticality or mock-sentimentality for some time ?" " Indeed !"' replied Kate, looking more se- rious, " then you are really going to attempt the true romantic style for some little time. I am glad to hear it, and will, therefore, address you more in earnest : I could not tell hitherto whether you were joking or not." " But, my dear Kate," I continued abruptly, " you must not talk to me any more at present, either seriously or jocosely, or I shall lose my train of thought, and the thread of my story. So you must positively not interrupt me until I can speak to you : there, pray amuse yourself in any way that best suits you." " But let me see what you have written?" said she. " Oh, I have not written much yet." " Well, never mind, let me see what you have written."" 184 CONFESSIONS OF (( There !" I replied, handing her as much of the MSS. as I had accomplished; "now you must really let me continue without any more interruption.**' " Why, there is a good deal of it," she ob- served, as she took the sheets from my hand. " Yes, I was occupied the best part of last night in writing, being in the humour for it.*' I said no more, but continued my labours, while Kate commenced conning what is forth- with submitted to my readers.* * It should be observed, that independent of the object of this second book, as expressed in the above introduction, it also serves as the basis of various events that take place in the Tliird and Fourth Books. The introductions of these three books were written at the same time at which the books themselves were, and not subsequently prefixed, as in the instance of the introduction of the First Book. — CM. AN OLD MAID. 185 CHAPTER II. A RETROSPECT OF THE SPRTNG-TIME OF LIFE. SpRiGHTLy as I may be even at this certain age at which I have arrived, yet Httle do I ap- pear so, in comparison with the hght-hearted thing I once was, when the tide of animal spirits was at its height, when the happy sea- son of life was its fifteenth summer — when no foot mounted the hill-side more nimbly than my own, or brushed away its dews more light- ly — when there was none of all my cotem- poraries whose locks wantoned more gracefully in the breeze, whose voice was softer or more musical^ — whose eye was more arch and spark- ling — who was more animated in the dance, gayer at the festival, more engaging in the domestic circle — more cheerfully content when 186 CONFESSIONS OF roaming whither happy thoughtlessness might lead, through verdant meadows, or shady cop- pices, culling the violet at the tree's foot, where it shrunk concealed in the wet mosses and wild ivy . . . None was there more devoted to the elegant indulgences of the mind ; more sincere in the worship of genius, more sensible of the enchantments of poetry, the harmony of measure ; more awed too by the precepts of wis- dom : none either, whose heart was more alive to the voice of affection, the sympathies of friendship, the sacred sensibilities of charity. That the retrospect of this happiest period of life should affect me, is natural : I view it with sensations similar to those produced by the con- templation of a far-stretching and sunny land- scape, whether witnessed in the face of Nature's wide portraiture, or in the magic imitations of a Claude, — which binds us long to the spot, to lin- ger over its beauties ; and awakens in the soul a tranquil regret when we have at last prevailed on ourselves to quit it ! I had not yet made acquaintance with the world; my knowledge of society was confined AN OLD MAID. 187 to the circle of my own family ; I was ac- quainted with none but domestic scenes, and the intercourse of relatives and friends. I was free as a deer, in inclination and in limb, to indulge in what innocent pursuits I liked ; at what times I liked ; and to wander about as the waywardness of my fancy prompted me. When I state this, I think it will scarcely be wondered at that my character should have imbibed a spirit of romance, even had it not been natural to me, — which it was. My sisters were smiling on me, and bidding me look forward to the new scenes of gaiety to which I should soon accompany them, to balls more crowded than those at my father's mansion; to dinners, concerts, and assemblies. My heart was panting for the hour when I was to be " out," as it is called. The anxiety about my appearance, which at a more ad- vanced period of my life may be viewed with ridicule or censure, was now excusable; my vanity was puzzling itself in what dress I should make my first appearance. — Though 188 CONFESSIONS OF it may appear childish, yet I cannot help re- membering how much my fancy had been taken with a pair of blue satin shoes, with fihgree work below the instep, which one of my sisters had; and which was just at that time in fa- shion :^ nor have I forgotten the delight with which I tried on a pair that had been made for me after their model. — A portion of every day was devoted to arranging my hair in the manner which would show off the prevailing fashion with the greatest becomingness. Such and such a curl was again and again placed and replaced a little forwarder or more backward, a little higher or lower, as my fanciful doubts alternately suggested. My glass was repeat- edly consulted as to my looks, my countenance, my complexion, my carriage : with difficulty could I quit my station before it : if I did, it was to observe with what grace of step and air I could recede, and then so satisfied was I with myself, that I could not forbear coming • Miss Mirabelle need not be at any great pains to excuse herself : the childish reminiscences of Rousseau, and even Goethe, are a thousand times less excusable than hers. — Ed- AN OLD MAID. 189 close up to it again, to renew the satisfaction of seeing myself again recede from it. At last, when I tore myself away, my head was still thrown back to catch a glimpse of the elegance I had been studying, and the graces which I hoped would challenge remark. Let any girl, with the prospect of just " com- ing out" to be criticised and examined, ask herself if she does not indulge in the same little vanities I have confessed of myself at that period ? If she he handsome, to antici- pate the admiration which her beauties will elicit: if she be not handsome, in order to endeavour to set off her appearance by the most effective arrangement she can adopt. It was on the verge of this eventful crisis in a girl's life — it was on the dawn of this ac- quaintance with worldly vanities — that a cloud overshadowed my sun of gaiety: it was dark- ened by mourning the most bitter. My eyes, which had glistened in expectation of a new rou- tine of happiness, were doomed to be moistened with tears of anguish, the bitterest that can try the heart of a child. Every bright vision 190 CONFESSIOKS OF that I had been cherishing, was suddenly ob- scured by a sad reality. I was left with my sisters without a guide, without an instructress — I had almost said, without a friend — for what kindness, what attention, can ever make up for the endearing presence, the heartfelt solici- tude, the tender assiduity of a mother ? Three unhappy orphans, we were left to be- wail our maternal loss, with the one bitter con- solation of mutual regret. The hill side was abandoned, the forest glade no more smiled for us ; its green thickets had none of their wonted freshnf :'S ; the merry orchard with its full tribute of blossoms, smelt no longer sweet — Nature looked no longer lovely. How bitter was the first time that we walked arm in arm, weeping and silent, on the lawn where we had so often accompanied the mother we had lost. Her image was still there, but her countenance, her sweet approving smile, her kindness no longer cheered us. What a deso- lating blank spread itself before our souls: what a sickening weight of grief hung upon our hearts, and betrayed itself in our countenances ! AN OLD MAID. 191 Change of scene could do little for us till after a time. I well remember the mournfulness of our journey as we quitted home on our way to a relative in London. It was a cheerless, dreary morning, and the dew-drops collected by the mist, fell heavily and slowly from the trees that overarched the road. Every now and then a solitary crow flapped its wings slug- gishly across our way. All Nature seemed oppressed and in weeds; every thing looked sorrowful, desolate, and unhappy like ourselves. Our journey being at its conclusion, we were landed, silent and with aching hearts, at the door of our aunt, Mrs. Elflyn, in Portman- square. 19^ CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER III. AN APPEAL TO THE HEAIIT OF AN ORPHAN DAUGHTER. The circumstances of this unhappy period are so strongly impressed upon my mind, that I may be excused pausing for a moment, to in- dulge in a reflection or two which they suggest, previous to introducing the readers to my re- lative. None but those who are, or have been, in the situation in which I have described myself and my sisters, can be sensible of all that we felt; or know the extent of bitterness experienced by a daughter in the destitution of that parent to whom she most naturally looks up, for support and protection. With respect to my eldest sister, she had AN OLD MAID. 193 been for some months past under an engagement of marriage ; myself and my second sister now earnestly recommended her to emancipate her- self from the domination of female relatives (which is one of the miseries entailed on losses such as ours), and direct her thoughts to the alliance which she had in view. When I speak of the " domination of female relatives," I allude particularly to such only as we were now about to encounter, from whose character, no less than their nearness of affinity, we might have reason to apprehend interference, and perhaps of an arbitrary kind. As for the alliance to which my sister was looking, we were the more earnest in exhorting her to think of its accomplishment, since it had been approved of, and was so far rendered sacred, by the sanction of that departed one, who never advised any measure that she did not consider as likely to conduce to our welfare or happiness. It was now that we felt what a difference there is in the smile of a vc^eve friend, (to use the language of the world,) and of a mother. VOL. 1, K 194 CONFESSIONS OF Where could we now look for the sincerity which we had found in her ? In whom could we re- pose that confidence which we had felt due to /ier, and which we had ever placed in her ? Sin- cerity is the great attribute of a parent"'s affec- tion : we know, we feel, we are sure that it is not fickle, not professed, — that it dwells in the soul, and that we may place confidence in it. Sickening is it to contemplate the smile with which a regard of mere professions masks itself: painful and disgusting is it to see the mouth dis- torted into a grimace with which the coimte- nance cannot speak in concert. In whose bosom could we now pour forth our anxiety or uneasi- ness of mind ? To whom could we apply to dis- pel its indecision or allay its disquiet ? Where was now the friend to whom we had looked as fondly, for correction of its deviation, as for en- couragement of its laudable inclinations ? To whom could we now impart our feelings as be- fore ? Alas ! the time was gone, when there was not one little want, not a wish, however inconsider- able, not one cause of disquiet the most trivial. AN OLD MAID. 195 not even one giddy whim, to which utterance was not given as soon as it was conceived. Did there yet chance to lurk unrevealed a lingering thought of heaviness, it was detected by her who saw into our hearts ; its confession was antici- pated, and its sting disarmed : if it merited re- proof, it was chid by admonition that derived force from its very mildness : if it was deserving of sympathy, it received it : if it asked for consolation, sweet was the balm that was admi- nistered for its assuagement : if it was need- lessly cherished, the mind was at once disci- plined to discourage it : if hopelessly, to aban- don it. Every sentiment that proceeded from a source like this, breathed of cheerfulness, con- tent, or animation. Prudence, benevolence, wis- dom, spoke in the voice of affection. What- ever might be the burthen, our heart was never constrained to retain it; it threw itself open, and was, for the most part, instantly relieved of its weight. But now, amongst our relatives, however un- disguised we might have wished to be, there was much which we were obliged to suppress, and K 2 196 CONFESSIONS OF even at times to dissemble ; we found it in many instances no longer in our power to be frank and undisguised. We were obliged to be hypo- critical in spite of ourselves; we were obliged to stifle our wishes, to dissemble our uneasiness, to disguise on many occasions our feelings, and suppress our thoughts, or, at any rate, not to give full expression to them. There is no feel- ing so painful or so degrading to an ingenuous mind as this sensation of concealment. We were indeed at present strangers to happiness, as much so as we had before been acquainted with it. The tear that would now and then involun- tarily rise, would testify how much of our former happiness we had lost, and silently declared the fulness of our regret for all the ingenuous cheer- fulness and freedom which we had once enjoyed. The bird that spreads his wings in a cage, and finds his flight impeded by the wires, is not more a prisoner than we were. He regrets not the use of his pinions more than w^e did the con- straint of which I am complaining. What girl AN OLD MAID. 197 will not attest the truth of all that I have been saying, that has known the happiness of a mo- ther's love ; that has been taught to mourn the bitterness of her loss, amongst relatives such as those with whom we now found an asylum. 198 CONFESSIO>:S OF CHAPTER IV. A SPECIMEN OF FRIENDS. We were received by Mrs. Elflyn and our cousin, her daughter, with an unnatural show of sympathy, and a constrained kindness of man- ner, of which we were painfully sensible the moment we were in her presence. It was a pity that our aunt had ever asked us to her house on the present occasion ; but she had done so purposely for the sake of removing, by a show of attention, certain unfavourable im- pressions which she felt we cherished towards her. She considered that we esteemed her as cold and unfriendly in her feelings with regard to ourselves. In this she was not mistaken, and her own conscience must have told her that we were jus- AN OLD MAID. 199 tified in thinking of her as we did. We cer- tainly should never have accepted her invita- tion, had we not been desirous, in our disconso- late condition, of quitting the scene of mourning for a time, especially as no opportunity was offered us of going to the residence of any other relative, than that of Mrs. Elflyn. Besides this, she was one of our nearest kindred, — being the sister of our lost parent, though as different from her as it was possible for any two human beings to have been : the one all amia- bility, benignity, mildness, virtue and dignity — a rare combination of personal and mental endowments : Mrs. Elflyn, on the contrary, was possessed of no amiabiHty whatever, but ren- dered disagreeable by an asperity of manner, that afforded a sad and striking contrast to the suavity and kindness of our mother. If ever she relaxed from unamiability, her kindness was all put on, and it was painful to witness the effort it cost her in doing so; so evident was it that she was playing a part. In our present circumstances, she could not, in common humanity, treat us with the asperity ^00 CONFESSIONS OF which she had on former occasions always shown us. To have gratified her usual spleen in our present afflicted state, would have been little less than barbarous ; so she made up her mind to soften her tone and manner towards us with as good a grace as she could. Miss Elflyn was worthy of her mother in dis- position. As to her appearance it was remark- able for excessive dowdyism : her gait was an awkward, disagreeable waddle — her head lolloping about from side to side in unison with a jolting movement of the hips. Her dresses were always costly, and in the height of fashion, but do what the mantua-maker could, she never managed to make Miss Elflyn look well. There are some persons whom you may squeeze and screw and case up in corsets, and bandage with sashes, but all to no purpose. Her features were large and coarse, and her complexion muddy ; and as I could not pay them any better compliment, were I to enter into a more minute description of them, I shall not say anything farther about them. I am, above all other persons of my sex, the least AN OLD MAID. 201 inclined to hurt the feelings of other women, by invidious notice of their disqualifications, either in intellect or appearance. I have never har- boured any spirit of unkindness, or indulged in detraction to the prejudice of any one of them, as far as my career in life has hitherto extend- ed ; for when young, I really saw so little in other girls which I thought I had any need of envying, that the sensation never entered my breast. I do not wish, in saying this, to praise myself, but think I may be excused for doing myself justice, in speaking what is merely the truth. I shall be sufficiently describing my aunt's person and appearance, by saying that she looked very cross, and that her image was re- flected in the person of her daughter. Our presence, though self-solicited as it had been by Mrs. Elflyn, was evidently annoying both to the mother and daughter. We were so much superior both in appearance and natural intel- lect, as well as in acquirements, to the daughter, that she could not like us, and consequently we were little more agreeable to the mother, K 5 202 CONFESSIONS OF *' Well, my poor dear girls !"*' said our aunt, after a few moments of tearful silence on our part, after the ceremony of salutation was over, " be comforted. There is every thing here to make you as happy as you can hope to be, under your present circumstances. You know your aunt always feels for you in the kindest manner — dry your tears, dear girls ! — Mary, you had better show your cousins their rooms — they will like to see their things taken out and arranged after the journey." " I am sure. Mamma, you need say nothing to my cousins of our regard for them : they must know that, better than we can tell them — but, come, will you walk up stairs with me ?'' All these words were marvellously kind in sound, (though, to be sure, uttered in a sad canting drawl,) but still there was a hollow formality attendant upon them, which only in- creased the heaviness with which our hearts were already oppressed. We had the same cause of complaint through the whole period of our visit, which was not above five or six weeks, by the end of which AN OLI> MAID. 203 period we were so heartily tired of our amiable relatives, that we resolved on returning home as soon as we could : and although it was to be met, with so many mournful recollections, yet, there, we had at least the consolation of being able to give our sorrows scope, and to throw off that constraint of which I have above com- plained. On the expiration of our visit, we were not more ready to quit Mrs. Elflj^n, than she was willing to see us take our leave of her. I have stated some tolerably strong reasons for her disinclination towards us, but I might, if I pleased, state more. There was one cause of disapprobation which she had not indeed now any reason to entertain, but which she had for- merly conceived against us, when she had seen us at home, and under different auspices : — this was that frankness and ingenuousness of character, the forfeit of which I have some little time ago regretted as so painful : she thought proper to consider this as altogether inconsistent with the rules of " good breeding," as she called it. The fact is, we were neitlier affected nor hypocrites : this was exactly what 204 CONFESSIONS OF we were not^ and what she and her daughter were : but this they considered eminently well- bred. Our notions of breeding and good taste, formed on the model of one who could not mis- guide us, both on account of her native elegance and knowledge of the world, were very much at variance with those of Mrs. Elflyn. That her's were erroneous was evident, since I am certain it was from a secret, though not avowed, dissatisfaction with them and with herself, that she chose to find fault with us. The source of all her dislike towards us was envy ; and this was the parent of coldness, denial of confidence, suspicion, misconstruction of our thoughts, words, and actions. Such dissociality of feeling between us was not very agreeable, and there- fore it will be no matter of surprise that our visit at Mrs. Elflyn's was not of long duration. The portrait that has been given of her daughter, has I think sufficiently identified her with that, in which my cousin, Mrs. Crone, has at an earlier stage of this memorial been de- scribed. Such was the girl, and such turned out the woman ; I may consider that if there were AN OLD MAID. 205 no other reasons for our mutual dislike, suffi- cient have in this chapter been given — but there were other and cogent reasons, as my future pages may discover. However disagreeable our visit may have been, I must in candour admit that we were relieved during its continuance from those ap- prehensions of being domineered over, which we were reasonably inclined to cherish on first entering the doors of our aunt. X 206 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER V. A COMPANION FROM THE CRADLE. I TOO, as well as my sister, had my attach- ment and my admirer ; I had heard the avowals of his devotion for me, and they had sunk deeply into a heart ready to receive them. They had proceeded from one whom I ha<i loved as a child; and our families living in the neighbourhood of each other, we had been brought up, I may almost say, together. His extreme youthful beauty, his romantic wild- ness, his countenance corresponding with, and bespeaking his character, his generosity of dis- position, his independence of spirit, his freedom of air, his boyish fortitude and love of enter- prise; all charmed my heart more and more as I ^rew up, and prejudiced it so much in AN OLD MAID. 207 his favour, that it despised every other less ar- dent character, as tame and insipid in compa- rison with his. I need not explain that the person of whom I speak, is the same, whose name has already escaped my hps in the very first pages of this work; but not now will the mention of that name be regarded by the reader in the same light in which it may hitherto have appeared ; if he was then inclined to ridicule the idea of the Old Maid still dwelling upon the affections of her youth, he will now contemplate them with a very different feeling, and as cherished at their proper season. It would not be worth my while here to enter into a justification of the tenderness which my first chapter repre- sented me as encouraging, when youth had long passed away. It would perhaps be in vain to endeavour to persuade my readers to contem- plate seriously the constancy which is there pro- fessed for this attachment of my youth ; still, however, it is no less certain that such attach- ment is to this day cherished by me. And why should not it be ? Will not Nature attest that 208 CONFESSIONS OF the heart can be sensible of early affections, though the season that beheld their birth may have passed away, and the outward lustre of youth faded ? The Old Maid, alike reckless of incredulity or ridicule with respect to what she may now be advancing, appeals confidently and proudly to the aifection she has declared herself as cherishing through so long a lapse of time ; she appeals to it in testimony of the fondness, the fidelity, the sacred sincerity, the ardour of its first encouragement in her youth. Now at least, in the recollections of this spring-time of her life, may she approach the declaration of her early love without the apprehension of being jibed at. She may recall the form that was then her most cherished vision ; she may dwell upon emotions that then glowed freshly in the soul, and pronounce the name of Albert Conroy, without awakening in those that hear her, a sentiment repugnant to the dignity of the most sublime of passions ! " Well defended !" exclaimed Lady Kate, as she was reading my MSS. " You vindicate this AN OLD MAID. ^09 memorial of your early love with spirit; but there was no occasion for your being so parti- cular either, because you are speaking now of a season of life consistent with the romance of love — every body must be aware of that." " Yes, but then I wished also to vindicate the reasonableness of my fidelity to it, up to the present time." " Very true, I was going to have observed that also. I assure you, I think that you have done so with success." " I am glad to hear you say so, for above all other persons, your satirical propensities would lead you to find exception if you could. "'*' " Really, I never wish to be needlessly sati- rical ; but consider it in much better taste, as well as feeling, to be as merciful as I can. With respect to the pages I have hitherto read, I hardly expected to find in them so much of the pathetic tone." " Oh ! so much the better for the character of my romance ; but you must let me go on with it, if you please ; and as you have read all that I have to show you, suppose you leave me 210 CONFESSIONS OF to myself, that I may have the more to put into your hands the next time you come to see me.*" " Very well," replied Kate ; " I see you wish to be alone, so I will do as you desire. I go this evening to a card party at Lady Daw- lish's, and am sorry you are unable to accom- pany me ; so good bye." Accordingly, she left me to continue my MSS. with the description of young Conroy. He was about three years older than my- self. His hair was of a dark chesnut colour, and hung in knotty curls over his neck and down the sides of his face. It was at that time, the custom for boys to let their hair grow to a considerable length. His eyes were dark and large, a fine florid hue suffused his cheeks, and his look bespoke the health and vigour that he had imbibed with the air of his native Scottish hills. No roe was more wild on the plain than he was, or could bound over it more lightly ; there was not a brake, not an avenue of the glen, not a thicket, with which he was unacquainted. With the wildest haunts where AN OLD MAID. 211 the heathcock lurked, was he familiar ; across the border none was better acquainted with the covert of the fox, and the most daring adven- tures that the sportsmen below the Tweed can court, he took delight in. The days spent in quest of the grouse — the emulous strife to be first in the chase — every dexterous feat on which the angler prides himself — every manly exercise that youth can excel in — had all of them enjoyment for him. He possessed a spirit better adapted for more heroic times than the present ; and he was un- fitted by his genius and his education for the life which he found himself doomed to pursue, ere he arrived at man's estate. Not that he wanted ' wit' amidst all his wildness : his mind was as keen as his eye, and his powers of ac- quirement as vigorous, or rather as impetuous, as his ardour in manly recreations and exer- cises. He did not, indeed, waste the education offered him at our schools and colleges, though he endured it with impatience, and rushed through it with a struggle to emancipate him- self from its discipline as soon as he could 212 CONFESSIONS OF Never did he dream of the fate that awaited him, when he was called on to act his part in the pursuits of life — it was a banishment to a distant and scorching clime, with the promise indeed of future opulence, but the probability, if not the certainty of death, ere he could even hope to attain it. He visited me in town, just before his de- parture to India, a few weeks after our sorrow- ful departure from the spot of our home and his : it was then that he clasped my hand for the last time ; the first in which I ever saw a tear bedim his eye. It was a sacred tear, for he shed it, not only on account of his separation from me, not only because he saw that a tear trembled in my own eye at the thought of los- ing him — but in sympathy for the sad change in the condition and appearance of myself and my sisters — he shed it, too, in regret at the recol- lection of the many happy hours we had enjoyed tosrether from our cradles, — in tenderness for the time at which he first breathed to me the love which we had been, I may almost say, brought up to feel for each other. AN OLD MAID. 213 Alas ! of what avail is all this painful re- miniscence ? What has, since that period, be- come of him ? What has been the history of his fate ? What has reached me concerning him for these many years? Is he lost and gone ? I know not. Did he fall a victim to the climate ? I cannot tell. Did he meet death in the eastern service, in which his disposition might have led him to take a part ? I have never heard. Mystery has hung over his fate for years, and has incHned me to the beHef that death has some time closed his career and every memorial of him. Yet still do I cherish the hope to hear that he is alive, and may one day return to his country, and to those who still cherish the remembrance of him. The last intimation I received of my lover, was by a letter which he sent me from Deal on the eve of his embarkation — that letter I have to this day preserved — it runs as follows. I quote it as a rare specimen of a reasonable yet affectionate address in matters of this na- ture : — 214) CONFESSIONS OF *' My Dearest .... " The thought of separation from you be- comes more and more painful as its certainty approaches nearer. Heaven can alone know whether I shall ever see you again. I sail to- morrow, and cannot tell when you will be likely to hear from me again. Will you remem- ber your promise to me ? Or am I unreason- able in constraining you to preserve your pledge to me inviolable ? Absence, long continued absence, must efface impressions even the most fond, and weaken affections which were once the most deeply impressed on the heart. *' In the instance of Si first love, I may at least hope, that the impressions which you cherish may not be discarded upon any slight provoca- tion ; I may at least hope, that he who shall supplant myself in your affections, may be more worthy to hold a place in your heart than myself. Let me hope that you will not give it up, to a suitor who can bring no better recom- mendation than his purse or his pedigree, only. Do not let me think that you could throw your- self away upon a man who has not the recom- AN OLD MAID. 215 mendation of a generous spirit, an exaltation of character, an independence of soul — as well as of circumstances. " But I am afraid that I do but tire you. You will say that these sentiments are dictated by jealousy: if they were, they would justly merit your disapprobation, but they are not so — they are the offspring alone of that deep depression of spirit, which has succeeded to my natural ar- dour, on account of the lot I am compelled to undergo — the thought of which, accompanied as it is by the loss of yourself, makes me mi- serable at the idea that it is possible you may be thrown away on some person unworthy of possessing you. It is a bitter thing to leave be- hind all that one has any regard for in the world — for my country is little to me without you; my native hills have but little charm, unless I could range them with yourself. Why am I doomed to this banishment ? — for the sake of what I scorn — the prospect of gain. Every thing in this life seems destined to act by con- trarieties : my elder brother, who has no object of affection (as I have) to think of, remains on .^16 CONFESSIONS OF the spot, from which I am torn to regret the loss of all for which I would wish to live. He looks upon these scenes of my boyhood, with- out any of the feelings with which / should contemplate them. Why, then, is he not taken away, and myself suffered to remain ? Cruel dispensation of a capricious, wayward, unjust and undiscerning destiny I " I will no longer uselessly complain, but finish this farewell communication to you, by conjuring you by all those vows we have mu- tually breathed, and which I may be allowed to esteem sacred ; by all the happiness in which we have participated, from our earliest childhood, in each other''s society ; by that congeniality of soul that drew our hearts towards each other, and riveted them in bonds of affection, — not easily (I may once again hope) to be broken — to believe that no image but your own can ever be present to my recollection, and that my love for you is sacred and unalterable. " Albert Coneoy.'" I was interrupted at this moment in the con- AN OLD MAID. 217 tinuation of ray romance, by two or three trou- blesome acquaintance that came one after an- other to call upon me, and so much delayed me th at Iwas unable to resume my pen till some hours subsequently. I wrote on, in hopes of having a tolerable quantity to show Lady Kate the next morning ; but what was my surprise when, instead of being greeted as usual with her presence, I received a note from her, men- tioning that she was about to quit town for the country, upon an affair that she could not at present impart to me, but which should be re- vealed to me in due time, and would, perhaps, occasion me some little surprise. " What can the whimsical creature be about ?'"' I exclaimed to myself; '' and why does she keep the sub- ject of her movements a mystery ? I long to know what she has taken into her head : she really might just as well have told me what she is at."" It may be supposed that I puzzled myself a good deal to find out what could be the reason of my friend's running away from town so suddenly, and why she made it a secret to VOL. I. ' L S18 CONFESSIONS OF myself, to whom she confided every thought that came across her mind. It was in vain that I tortured my wits to discover the cause of the mystery ; I could not possibly guess how to unravel it ; so I gave up the attempt as hope- less, and addressed myself again to the con- tinuation of my manuscript. AN OLD MAID. 219 CHAPTER VI. THE KETtJllN' HOME AND RECOLLECTIONS OF THE VISIT. My father had gone to the residence of some friends in Derbyshire, at the same time that we had come up to town to our aunt. Thither had we written to him, begging his immediate presence, in order to take us back to Scotland as soon as he conveniently might. He did not long delay, and, accompanied by my brother, soon conveyed us back to our native region. If our departure from home had been bitter, our return to it was little less so. The moun tain, that rose behind the site of our house, seemed to lower with a more melancholy gloom than its barrenness had ever worn before : the lake, where stillness had never yet inspired L 2 220 CONFESSIONS OF melancholy, was sad to desolation : the cry of the bittern sounded differently in our ears than it had been wont to do,* and mournful was the echo of its note. Every thing wore a hideous and repulsive aspect — every thin^^ seemed altered. What was looked upon tefore with pleasure, was now, so much heaviness to our soul : whatever had once breathed of solace and of cheerful- ness, now scowled with discomfort, despondency and gloom. We scarcely knew the domestics again in their weeds of mourning : they had faithful and feeling hearts, unlike the menials in a dis- sipated town. There was the steward, with his long grey locks, his head drooping down- wards, and abject countenance : there was ray mother's favourite attendant, whom she had brought with her from England, so long ago as her marriage, expressing the language of her heart in tears of unfeigned distress. I will * " Along thy glades a solitary guest The hollow-sounding bittern guards its nest." Deserted VUlase, — Ed. AN OLD MAID. 221 not analyze this painful picture more minutely, nor expatiate at any greater length on these trying moments of our return. The lapse of time gradually infused a balm into the smart of our sorrows; the objects around us began to re-assume somewhat of their wonted aspect, and the landscape by de- grees to smile with that cheerfulness which it had lost. If change of scene had not been our object in our late removal from Scotland, we might have found a retreat in the residence of our neighbours, the family of my absent lover ; but their abode was fraught with recollections as painful as our own. On our return from town, the companionship and consolation of these true friends, operated much in shaking from us our gloom of mind. A new scene, too, on the stage of mortality was now, after some little time, to be performed — this was the mar- riage of Albert Conroy's elder brother, a puny youth, in comparison with his younger brother, and whose marriage was concerted more by the management and wishes of his own family. 222 CONFESSIONS OF than from any inclination or will of his own. Not very long after this event, another of a similarly festive nature took place in the cir- cumstance of my elder sister's nuptials. Her admirer held a high rank in the army, and was anxious to accomplish the alliance, which had for a long time been in abeyance, pre- viously to joining his regiment. She was de- termined to follow him, and did so. In the revolution of another year from the time of these events, I found myself more and more lonely, in consequence again of the marriage of my second sister also ; and as my brother was constantly absent on his vocations, I was thus almost altogether deserted ; for my father being much of an invalid, was but little society for me, and my friends, the Conroys, were at this time absent from home. It may well be supposed that such complete solitude was painful to one of my sprightly and cheerful disposition. My attention being seldom called off, by conversation, to employ itself on indifferent and diversified topics, was ahnost entirely directed to the recollections of the AN OLD MAID. 22l5 past : the scenes around me challenged reflec- tions of this sort, since they spoke of the happy days of ray childhood, and brought the pre- sence of my youthful lover constantly before me. They also presented me with other forms besides his own. I used to roam along the hill- side, dreaming of my sisters and my mother, and could figure their forms still beside me. I would look for them, and start to find myself alone. Yet painful as these reveries were, it was a gratification to me to indulge in them, since the subject of them was most dear to me. Not so agreeable were the recollections that brought me back to my unamiable aunt and her daughter, which they now and then w^ould do : together with the various circumstances that took place during our visit in town. Of these, then, I shall proceed to take some notice. My cousin had been brought * out ' into society, some three or four seasons previously to the time at which we were in Portman- square. She had figured in the first circles, in all the lustre of wealth and fashion ; but the object of her njother's anxiety — an advanta- 224 CONFESSIONS OF geous matrimonial connection for her, or even any offer of such an event, had not yet been made her. It was no wonder, then, that she was mortified at finding that my eldest sister was under an engagement of marriage, which she was looking forward shortly to fulfil ; and also that my second sister, Constance, and myself, had our admirers. We did not per- mit the constraint imposed on the expression of our feelings in other respects to control us on the subject of our respective attachments. It would indeed have been impossible to have suppressed the mention of this, since the agi- tation which I so plainly betrayed at the ap- proaching absence of my lover, forced me to the utterance of what was passing in my mind. But all this emotion in the eyes of my disap- pointed aunt and cousin, was dreadful ; espe- cially as my cousin one day came into my room, and found me sobbing over a letter I had re- ceived from my lover, of a date prior to that which the reader has seen. This exposure was perfectly dreadful in her eyes! It was of course reported to her mother as the most sad AN OLD MAID. 225 instance of passion, she had almost ever heard of — nay, prudery, which has ah*eady been seen to be one of the characteristics of mv cou- sin, suggested that it was positively indelicate and improper. The recollection of this uncharitable and un- just conduct, has always enraged me with her, whenever it has occurred. There are no people so mean as those, who, because they cannot reach the level of those they envy, indulge their rancour and disappointment in splenetic, ma- lignant, detraction of them ; vainly hoping to lower the merit or superiority, which they can never rival, to their own standard, or if pos- sible, to reduce it to a degree even still lower. Of course Mrs. Elflyn was wilKng to add fuel to the flame which her daughter had kindled. Exaggeration was heaped on exaggeration, re- lative to my ' conduct^ as they called it ; and between the two, I dare say, I was made out to be one of nearly the most indecorous of my sex. If my cousin had not entertained feelings so hateful as these towards me, I could still have L 5 226 CONFESSIONS OF been on good terms with her : but traits, such as these, betrayed so much of unkindness and unworthiness of character, that I have never been able to reconcile myself to liking her. It is difficult to say which of the two was most deserving of reprehension — the daughter who could be guilty of such meanness and malignity, in putting so harsh an interpretation on my passion, or the mother who could encourage her in doing so. The world sustained little loss when the last of these was taken from it ; nor will it, I think, sustain much more, when the unamiable presence of the first mentioned of this pair, shall be also missed in society. As Albert was to pass through town on his way down to the sea-coast, I anticipated a visit from him as certain. I endeavoured to dis- suade him from calhng, as I told him that an interview was almost impossible, and that his presence would be anything but agreeable to my aunt and cousin. A.t the same time I half hoped and knew, indeed, that he would disregard my admonitions, for I longed in my heart to see him. He came as I had expected ; and as AN OLD MAID- Ji2T 1 hat! advertised him it would be, our meeting was d^'prived of all satisfaction by the presence of those who could only view it with disappro- l)ati()n. He imposed on himself a miserable constraint in speaking to me before Mrs. Elflyn and her daugliter, for my sisters were no in- terruption to us. We were anxious to say a thousand things to each other, but it was im- possible to utter them in the situation in which we were placed. The impatience he felt was too visibly depicted on his countenance, and being of such an impetuous disposition as he was, I am rather surprised he did not give vent to his feelings : he had more for})earance, how- ever, than to do so, and maintained his compo- sure by consoling himself with the resolution of obtaining an interview with me under circum- stances of less constraint, before he left the country. Not long after this unsatisfactory visit, I received a note from him, in which he so ear- nestly intreated me to compass a secret inter- view, that I was unable to disobey it. My sisters considered me so justified in complying ^28 CONFESSIONS OF with his wish, that they aided my endeavours to accomplish what he requested. We ma- naged to let him know the exact time at which our aunt and her daughter would be out, and then it was, that he availed himself of the op- portunity of speaking to me the last words that I ever heard fall from his lips. The language of this parting visit between us would be too well understood to require any explanation, even if I had not already breathed the spirit of it through my pages a short time ago. But oh, envious fate ! or chance, or what- ever the influence might be, that brought about the disaster — my lover was even yet tearing himself from us, when Mrs. Elflyn and her daughter returned from their expedition with most unreasonable precipitation — they entered the room, and beheld the scene that was pass- ing ! If prudery had before taken alarm at my pe- rusal of a love-letter, of what a shock would not its scrupulosity, now, be sensible — how would -it not now be offended at the discovery, — the direful exposure of a secret interview ! a siolett AN OLD MAID. 229 interview ! the bare idea of which was suffi- ciently dreadful, without the reality. I need not say that every shadow of approbation, if I could have hoped for any, from my charming relatives, was forfeited now past all hope of re- claim. The confusion w^hich their interruption occasioned to my sisters, and most of all to my- self, may easily be imagined. My lover, on the contrary, was not disconcerted at all, but with great composure and firmness, told Mrs. Elflyn, as he quitted the room, that he was fully aware that her good-sense and feeling would make every allowance for the manifes- tation of pain at parting, between those, who after having been brought up to love one an- other from childhood, were now doomed to be separated, perhaps for ever. ^'SO CONFESS! ON b OF CHAPTER VII. THE SUBJECT OF THK REVERIE CONTINUED. If I have said that my cousin had never been addressed with any offer of marriage, I was mistaken. An offer had been made her by a character already introduced in these pages, not so dignified at the time of which I am speaking, as he has since become, both by aug- mentation of professional rank as well as ma- trimonial consequence. I speak of course of the gentleman who has of late years made Miss Elflyn, Mrs. Crone ; as gawky a young ensign at the time I first saw him, as he is now a gawky elderly colonel. Ensign Crone was a devoted admirer, or pre- tended to be so, of Miss Elflyn ; as to her personal charms, his admiration must assuredly AN OLD MAID. 231 have been pretended, although there is no ac- counting for tastes; but with respect to the charms of her fortune, doubtless his admiration was real and sincere. But however this might have been, the ensign's admiration, for whatever cause it had been cherished, had certainly be- come abated since he had seen myself and my sisters at our aunt's house. He was a most asinine young man, pretending to enthusiasm and romance which he never felt ; he would rejoice in extolling his profession, and rhodo- montading on " hair-breadth 'scapes, seas of blood, and perils of the field." It was a pity, I always thought, that enthu- siast as he professed himself about deeds of chivah'y and prowess, his elevation in the army was owing altogether to his interest with persons of influence, rather than any wonder-working heroism^of his own. This Drawcansir, or Bobadil, took it into his head to shift his affections from Miss Elflyn to myself. As he had been admitted as an ad- mirer of Miss Elflyn, no notice was taken by the domestics, of his frequent visits ; he used to 232 CONFESSIONS OF contrive to pay them just at the ' nick o* time,'* when my aunt and her daughter were out of the way ; and unfortunately he was never inter- rupted in them, as my absent lover had been. The moment that he had gained admission, and had introduced himself into the drawing-room, he used to precipitate himself at my feet, sprawhng forward with an uncouth salam, as if he were a mad Turk avowing adoration for some supposed Sultana. In this attitude would he swear his passion, declaring with mighty asseverations, worthy of Pistol himself, that he must put an end to him- self, if I did not look on his suit with favour ! " Repay with even a transient glance of ecstasy- awakening approbation, my passion's frenzy, and ardour incontrollable ! !" — is a specimen of one of his amorous despairing rants ; which he delivered in the worst theatrical tone and style. Scenes, such as these, did not happen more than twice ; for whenever I had notice, which I always took care to have, that he v/as on the staircase, I used to withdraw into the back drawing-room, or hurry up-stairs, if I had AN OLD MAID. 233 time, to my room, until he was gone. But on two occasions I was subjected to the annoyance of his frightful and troublesome presence. The idea of the man's talking to me '' of deigning to look at him with favour T In sooth, a pretty figure had I to look upon! How he could suppose it possible for me to contemplate it with favour, or any other feeling than that of ridicule, or disgust, I cannot imagine. In vain was it, that I remonstrated with him on the unfitness of the period at which he was paying his addresses to me, in deep mourning as I was, and that, too, so recently put on. In vain was it, that in relation to this, I reproached him for conduct both outrageous and indelicate : to no purpose either was it that I told him again and again that I was pre-engaged, and that if I were not, I could never find in my heart to love him. The second occasion on which I had to encounter his roaring, ranting, and rav- ing, I repeated, in harsher language, all that he had heard from me before. Nay, so much was I vexed with his impertinence, that I lost all patience, and told him that if he did not ^34 CONFESSIONS OF desist from farther annoying me, I should get him soundly drubbed to bring him to his senses. This offended my Hector's conceit, at the time it was said, most desperately ; he abruptly withdrew in high dudgeon, and angry with mortified pride. But in a few days his passion seemed to have gotten the better of his indig- nation ; and, having found that it was useless to endeavour to obtain an interview with me, he had recourse to the expedient of scribbhng notes, which I uniformly sent back to him un- opened. Of one of them, by some inadver- tency or other^ I broke the seal : a more ridicu- lous piece of rant I never read in my life ; its style was that in which Ensign Crone has just been heard to speak ; it was hastily closed up again, and directed back to the writer, as all the former effusions had been ; but, as I re- member pretty well its language, I may as well offer a specimen of it, perhaps a little in caricature. " I have dared the brunt of battle: I have AN OLD MAID. 235 sought honour at the cannon's mouth : I have stood in the midst of red war's horrific din — but never yet was I dismayed— never yet was I agitated What influence, then, is it, that now troubles the warrior's soul ? That overwhelms his heroic breast ? Thy^ thy, charms, thou divinest one ! I rave, I burn, I die ! Yes, the warlike Crone raves, he burns, he dies, for the charms of her who is as haughty as she is fair — as cruel as she is celestial !" " To that unrelenting, loveliest, most im- placable, yet divine one — Clouinda."" How different, thought I, is this stuff from the letter which Albert Conroy sent me ! Even after my return to Scotland did the Ensign persecute me with his trashy effusions. At length he became rather tired of having his nonsense returned to him by post, unheeded, and so discontinued annoying me any longer. If a half-pay captain had been so unfortunate and pertinacious in writing ill-fated letters of this sort, as the independent Ensign Crone 236 CONFESSIONS OF was, he must infallibly have been ruined by the amount of postage. Having failed in his suit with me, he again addressed himself to the former object of his admiration, my cousin, but was rejected with indignation on her part, on account of his infidelity to her ; doubly heinous, since it had led him to pay court to a person already so little agreeable to her as myself ; and now, if possible, more offensive in her eyes than before. I can only suppose that he reinstated him- self in her good graces by flattering her dis- inclination towards me, in which he must heartily have concurred, after the affronts which he considered me as having heaped upon him. As any treachery in love is for the most part an irretrievable cause of displeasure in our haughty sex, I cannot account for tr.e moral phenomenon I have mentioned, of a reconciliation between my cousin and Ensign Crone, in any other way than that which I have suggested ; unless possibly, as I have observed in an earlier part of this work, my AN OLD MAID. 237 cousin at length despaired of finding any one else but the ensign who would marry her. ^ ^ ^ ^ tP ^ 'It My reveries for the present had exhausted themselves — I paused for a while to gaze upon the scenes before me. Nature had again seem- ed to put on that blank look, of which she had begun to be disarmed, whilst my sisters af- forded me their companionship. But thei/ were gone, and all I loved was now torn from me. I gazed upon the scene mute and sorrowful, till my vision was obscured by the tears that rose in my eyes. I returned home from my wander- ings slowly along the hill-side, heavy at heart, desolate and unhappy. 238 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER VIII. BEING A LINK BETWEEN THE PATHOS OF OUK FAST SCENES, AND THE PLEASANTRY OF THE FUTURE. My solitude was broken through in a manner not the most agreeable ; my father had been lately so much of an invalid that his strength sunk under indisposition. It was on the event of his decease that I left my home, no longer to be spoken of by that name in future. My brother was not there, his bark was afloat on the tide of human struggles and human ambition. I was left the guardian of myself, happy in the welcome of friends, (very different from Mrs. El fly n, or such as her daughter had been to me,) whose residences I was solicited to call my own, though I was myself possessed of sufficient property to AN OLD MAID. 2S9 be independent of them all If I pleased. As for the family estate, untoward circumstances had broken it up, and that is quite as much as I wish to say about it. Thus my life was, after painful domestic recollections had subsided, rendered agreeable enough ; my happy disposition assisted in heal- ing the wounds inflicted by sorrow. Besides my relatives, various kind acquaintances always showed themselves eager to throw their doors open to receive me, and were glad of my society. In their gardens I roamed — in their parks I rode — in their halls I danced — all were fond of having me with them, and if I were to enter upon the theme of acknowledgment for all the kindness they showed me, I might fill half a volume upon the subject. I should be unwill- ing to mention any one or two, of all these, above the rest, as I am equally bound in affection to them all, and shall therefore speak of none, ex- cept my old neighbours, the Conroys, whom I looked upon in the same light as I did my own family. With respect to them, what I have to say 240 CONFESSIONS OF will necessarily be very brief, for after the pe- riod of my father's death, Mr. Conroy, who had been a great friend of his, did not long survive him ; and on her eldest son"'s succeed- ing to the lairdship, Mrs. Conroy removed her quarters to the South. Her state of health was so delicate, and her spirits so low, at the loss of her husband, the change of her favourite abode, and her uneasiness at not hearing from her yovmger and favourite son, that she became the victim of these various causes of vexation. After her death, I heard nothing more what- ever, of Albert, for I knew none of his relatives except his puny brother, and from him I was now completely separated : he did not survive his parents very long, and it is a wonder that he lived up to the time he did. At his death, he left two weakly children to inherit his pos- sessions, about whom and his widow, I have never either felt the slightest interest, or any wish to be acquainted with them. With re- spect to her, I have not to my knowledge seen her since her marriage. One of her sons is, I AN OLD MAID. 241 believe, in possession of the estate, and has a family : and this is all I know about them. It so happened that there was scarcely a house in which it was not my lot to have an admirer : I really coula move nowhere without meeting with some one who thought proper to pay his addresses to me ; notwithstanding it was notorious amongst all who knew me, that I was under the strictest engagement to my early ac- quaintance, Albert Conroy. Had I any particular charms to excite all this attention ? Was so much admiration due to either my mental or personal endowments ? to such elegance of air, distinction of appear- ance, lightness of figure, ease of carriage, and beauty of features, as I could boast ? Could a bright transparent complexion, a small slim throat, dark and glossy auburn hair, and dark sparkling blue eyes, render me so much an ob- ject of request ? Could an engaging and some- what arch manner, and an amiable cheerful countenance, enhance these personal qualities so much as to make every youth that saw me fall in love with me ? VOL. I. M ^42 CONFESSIONS OF If the question just proposed implies the fact, I was surely fully justified in asking it, as it conveys that true description of the heroine of this romance, which is due to her in the bloom of her youth. When any interval offered itself in which visits were for a time suspended, I used to amuse myself with expeditions about the country to watering places, or to the sea-coast, or wher- ever else my fancy might incline me. My ex- peditions were accompanied by my domestics, old Cuthbert, the faithful and venerable stew- ard, of whom I have already taken notice ; and my mother^s former attendant, who was also far advanced in years : both of them had chosen to follow m.e from Scotland, and in their pre- sence I felt the most perfect security wherever I went. They seldom, however, constituted my entire cortege : I was almost invariably pur- sued by some youthful gallant or other, who had met me in one or other of the societies I have mentioned, and had either ridden out in the same party with myself, or danced vdth me, or sat next me at dinner. I soon became so AN OLD MAID. 243 used to the story of sighs, and tears, and pro- testations, that I used either to treat it with total indifference, or make a jest of it. I found it in general the best way to treat it as a bur- lesque, much as I have, in the earlier part of this work, described Lady Kate as doing in the days of her bloom ; except that, in her in- stance, there existed no such feeling as in my own, relative to a prior pledge of affection. In fact, I rendered it impossible for any of my suitors to persuade me into the adoption of any thing like a tone of seriousness, so that I eluded every blow that was aimed at my heart. Now and then, when I sent away a lover that appeared to me really unhappy at my treatment of him, I used, perhaps, to feel a little moved ; but never on any account did I suffer myself to betray that I felt so. My obduracy and ridi- cule were always triumphant, and the despair- ing suitor generally quitted me *' vowing that there never was so incomprehensible or unfeel- ing a woman in the world as myself." In proportion as I gained the reputation of being difficult to win, the more was I beset by M 2 244 CONFESSIONS OF the pertinacious host of my lovers. This was unavoidable : I was unable to prevent the farce of love-lorn whining and solicitation from con- tinuing — so I let it take its course. It served rather as an amusement to me than otherwise — it was something to laugh at ; but it was some- thing more too than this — it was an everlasting incentive to the exercise of fidelity to my pledge ; a perpetual trial of my constancy to Albert. No female, perhaps, was ever placed in a more trying situation than myself; my good faith and attachment plighted to one from whom I was severed, without any present pro- spect of seeing him again ; left at liberty to act as I pleased, and entirely at my own disposal ; under no control of any sort, excepting only this, my pledge ; with frequent opportunity of forming a connexion of high rank and respecta- bility : honour, affluence, distinction, all awaiting my bidding, to grace me with their tributes — all offering their temptations to dazzle and cap- tivate me. Yet I remained unshaken, I stood unmoved and undiverted from the " loadstar," to which my affections directed themselves afar AN OLD MAID. 245 off — the love of one for whom they glowed with an ardour and a constancy, which no other ob- ject could ever kindle in my breast. '* No other object,'" did I say ? ... Is it then true that no temporary tenderness for any other than Albert was ever acknowledged by my heart ? Let me ask whether it is not na- tural, that, in the absence of my first lover, the unfeigned regard, the youth and handsome ap- pearance of some of those who paid their ad- dresses to me, should make a certain degree of impression upon me ? And will not the forti- tude be praised that could admonish me to dis- regard such impressions ; that could animate me to recall days when love was first, and the most truly, awakened in my heart ; while at the same time, it bid all subsequent tenderness vanish before this, — leaving me mistress of my- self, and triumphant? I might yet farther de- mand applause for that address with which, for my constancy's sake, I have declared myself as getting the better of these assailants upon my heart, so much so, as to be able to deride them as I did. S46 CONFESSIONS OF It has appeared from the foregoing intima- tions relative to the quahty of those who paid their addresses to me, that I had admirers by whose attentions I might well be flattered : but others also had I, of various ranks, conditions, circumstances, and merits. In proceeding to notice any in particular, out of the whole num- ber, I shall, as my introduction observed, select those only, whose extravagance or peculiarity renders them worthy of being recorded. A weighty balance, therefore, of less memorable admirers must be suffered to sleep undisturbed in oblivion. From the instances of such as I shall mention, it will be perceived that Ensign Crone was not the only one whose courtship gives rise to ludicrous recollections. Really when I contemplate the whole mass of my admirers together, young and elderly, handsome and plain, the distinguished and the ordinary, — with whose offers of marriage I was besieged, I cannot but consider the male sex as consisting of the most outrageously vain and un- conscionable set of beings on the face of the earth • And why ? Are men not guilty of the greatest AN OLD MAID. 247 vanity in supposing, as they do3 that a woman must be flattered by the bare sound of an offer; which their conceit or affectation really leads them, in some instances, to suppose is all that she takes into consideration ? Have I not a right to advance this declaration, when many of those who made me an offer, had no pretensions in themselves, no claim whatever upon my af- fection or even approbation ? And may I not therefore with reason suppose that many other women have to complain of the same sort of thing ? Yet notwithstanding all this, the offer, forsooth, is, in itself, a compliment — as men frequently consider it ! I thought it as well to throw out a remark such as this on entering upon the most trying part of the history of a young woman, held in request and at her own disposal, in order to prepare my readers for the excessive imper- tinence of many that harassed me with the din of matrimony, who, though as characters they are allowed to figure in these pages, yet were in themselves an extremely inferior kind of personages. ^48 CONFESSIONS OF Their conduct, however, is nothing inconsist- ent with human nature ; for in proportion as a man''s pretensions are low, his conceit, arro- gance, and audacity are, generally speaking, sure to be high : and if in the present remarks I may appear chargeable with any thing like flippancy, I am sure I have borne quite enough from the other sex to justify myself in exhibiting it. AN OLD MAID. 249 CHAPTER IX. " THE NAVY CAPTAIN." I ESTABLISHED iiiyself, after my father's de- cease, in London as my head-quarters, having many acquaintance residing there, to whom it was a satisfaction to me to be near. The smiles of summer were now upbraiding me for linger- ing any longer in the smoke and confinement of town : and my inclinations led me to make experiment of a water excursion this year, by way of a change. My course was directed towards Southampton, whither I was accompa- nied as usual by my two old domestics, who both still had activity and spirits to follow me upon my most adventurous rambles. Of late years yachts have come very much into fashion ; at the time of which I am now M 5 250 CONFESSIONS OF speaking, and at which I embarked in one, they were not so common. Doubtless, there was the very best of all reasons for their com- parative scarcity, since people in those trou- blous times of war, were employed on more serious subjects than that of prosecuting pro- jects of amusement : not to mention that sailing was not then so safe an enterprise as it is now, since, if it were conducted to a little too venturous an extent, a French cruiser might possibly have borne down upon the holiday sailors, and either have captured their galley, or blown her up, together with the live lumber with which she was freighted. But now, in these sportive times of peace, the ''merry lieges**' roam whither they list over sea, without the apprehension of such disasters: — well, too, must it be said of them, do they make use of their liberty : and they are rio-ht ! for none of us can ever answer how soon circumstances may possibly arise, which may place our coasts in their former defensive attitude. The plan of our excursion was first to sail AN OLD MAID. 251 along the South-western coast, and then to coast round the Isle of Wight. Our Captain was a thorough-bred hero of the navy ; and his superintendence of our little vessel was deemed by him altogether an act of condescension, — no doubt, in order to show his gallantry to some ladies on board, with whom he might be ac- quainted, as residents at Southampton. As I have stated him to be a genuine tar of that day, it will be almost needless for me to add the observation, that he was also a terrible swearer. It is a pity that blaspheming used to be so professional with gallant sailors in those stirring times. In person, Captain Wrench, for such was this hero's name, was short and thick set : he had a scar over his left eye, was horridly pitted with the small-pox, and had a harsh red colour in his cheeks, similar to that of an old brick. As every body used to expect and to excuse oaths that proceeded from a '* navy captain ;'' the " free and easy" way in which Captain W^rench blasphemed, and by which he flattered 252 CONFESSIONS OF himself he rendered his conversation agreeable, gave those who heard him, an inclination to be amused, in spite either of themselves, or of his outrageous vulgarity. His self-compla- cency was testified by a wink and a chuckle at the end of each sentence, or I might say, at the end of every two or three oaths he ut- tered. Captain Wrench was dressed in blue trowsers of course, and a coat of the naval uni- form : by way of being particularly " smart'* that day, he wore a red cloth waistcoat. As few ladies are supposed to be acquainted with sea-phrases and nautical terms, it will be needless for me to apologize if I give but a comparatively small portion of all that fell from his mouth. Nor could I possibly shock either myself or my readers, so far as to recapitulate his neat, professional blasphemy, which would terrify a sea-captain of the present day out of his wits, but as far as I can recollect the sub- stance and spirit of this elegant man's obser- vations, I shall be willing to record them. " Well, Mistress," said the gallant Captain, addressing himself to a pursy and elderly lady AN OLD MAID. 253 named Mrs. Plumtre, who was squatted near the stern, '' how do you relish your salt water frolic, eh. Ma'am ? You look squeamish, I fancy, and would be all the better if you were to steady ship with a small heart's drop of grog; d — n me if you wouldn't, Ma'am ! Tom ! lower the top-sail a little ! steady, my boy ! — that haliard lower still ! that will do — that will dor.... " Why, upon my word," answered Mrs. Plumtre, in a whimpering sort of voice, '' I really am inclined to feel a little nervous — I am indeed !" " What about, God bless you .?" demanded Wrench, laughing : " nervous ! you should be out a thousand leagues at sea — dancing about in a smart gale, with a swift dark scud flying over your head — you might talk of being ner- vous then !" " Why, the wind did spring up, so suddenly just now, when you ordered them to lower the sail, that I 'm confident we shall meet with some accident.'* The Captain bellowed out into a horse-laugh. 254 CONFESSIONS OF " Lord bless my heart ! accident ! why one might ahnost fancy we were in a desperate squall — tlie ship no longer able to bear her courses — her backstays gone, and shrouds creak- ing, as if they were about to break, — her top gallant yards struck down, — helm forced to be * lashed' — or God knows what else ! — haugh, haugh, haugh !" Mrs. Plumtre was not rendered at all more confident by the bantering of the Captain, but continued, " I said to Mr. Plumtre before I set out, — ' Mr. Plumtre,"* said I, ' I never go on the water without apprehensions, my dear; for if the vessel should be blown towards the French coast. Heaven knows what might happen ! Very serious consequences, I fear ; we might be taken prisoners and guillotined V What would poor Plumtre do, if such a thing was to happen ? Oh dear! Oh dear !" The Captain reiterated his burst of laughter at Mrs. Plumtre''s expressions of uneasiness. " Taken prisoners and guillotined ! Why, Lord a mighty, then, what makes you squeam- ish folks leave shore ? Blown to the French AN OLD MAID. ^55 coast ! ha ! ha ! Why have we not sails and a rudder, I should like to know ? Our vessel is * scudding' I suppose, or being drifted the lee- way,* or lying, may be, on her beam-ends ?. . . . Lord ! Lord ! — Why bless my heart, these two pretty young ladies are not afraid, I 'm sure, of being blown away to the French coast : are you, my dears?" This apostrophe was directed to myself, and to a lady of about my own age sitting next me, and on whose face, as well as my own, the fears of the lubberly Dame Plumtre, and the rough marine style of the captain, had awakened a smile. Her age seemed about the same as my own, then scarcely twenty- two, her complexion was briffht and clear, her nose a delicate small Roman ; her lip prettily pouting, her eye dark and sparkling, her hair hanging in full, negli- gent curls down the sides of her face, her look cheerful and animated, her air dignified, grace- ful and prepossessing. * That is, when a ship is driven sideways at the mercy of the wind, when deprived of her sails and helm. 9.56 CONFESSIONS OF The smile which we mutually recognised on each other''s countenances, supplied the place of any introduction : in half an hour's time we felt a friendship for each other : and so soon were we sensible of the sympathy which we possessed, the one for the other, and the congenial liveli- ness and contentedness of our dispositions, that it did not require any great foresight in us to perceive that we should love each other to our dying day. This person was no other than my dear Lady Kate : she was accompanied on her excursion by a noble relative, her uncle, who had come on board for the benefit of his health, being a considerable invalid ; on which account it was, that I had little or no communication with him during the expedition, although we sat not far from each other throughout the whole period of it. Mrs. Plumtre's fears, so far from becoming abated by the Captain's ribaldry, were strength- ened more and more as the breeze sprung up fresher and fresher. How it could ever have led her to apprehend being blown over to the AN OLD MAID. 257 coast of France, when it blew nearly due west- ward, was as much beyond my comprehension, as Captain Wrench's. At length, nothing would satisfy her but being instantly rowed to shore, from which we were but a short distance. One or two other squeamish people, whom the rocking of the vessel began to affect more than they had bargained for, were packed off to land together with her. Amongst these, I ought to specify three elderly females, who, the Captain had observed to me with a wink, were old maids dwelling at Southampton. " They are the d — d'st bores in the world,'' said he, " to talk to : they are three sisters, who have always lived together, and have the same set of stories to tell on all occasions. If one begins to tell you any thing, the other is sure to take it out of her mouth, and there seems always a contest between 'em to see which of the three can either silence or outgabble the others. Look at 'em ! there they are ! at it again as fast as ever ! Do you see 'em sitting by the bow there ; — they have got a basket of jargonel pears and sponge 25S CONFESSIONS OF biscuits to munch between 'em, and they 11 all be as sick as cats before long — you mind me if they are not.'* There they were indeed, as Wrench had said, prating and munching as if they were literally pitted against each other for a wager. The disagreeable prediction of the Captain was ve- rified, relative to the effect of the jargonel pears. " Heavens !" I exclaimed to myself, " I hope, if ever I am destined to be an old maid, I may not be such a creature as any one of these Southampton ladies !" The eldest of them was hump-backed, and underjawed ; the second was blind of one eye, and had no teeth ; the third had teeth, but not of ivory, and possessed also a very sinister squint. Their complexion was uniformly of a bottle-green colour. They v/ore black beaver bonnets ; their gowns were a taw- ny-coloured stuff, over which were black cloth pelisses : their name was Manchcrail — so fare- well ! ye fair Misses Manchcrail ! Together with this choice crew, I dispatched to shore my two old domestics, with whom the AN OLD MAID. 259 motion of the vessel did not very well agree, with directions to go back to Southampton, and await my return thither ; adding, that I was perfectly safe in the company of my new ac- quaintance. As these fresh-water creatures scrambled into the boat, the Captain did not see them depart without an ejaculation, to the purport that he was " glad to get rid of the land lubbers, and be d — d to them !" Our trim little vessel glided along at a brisk rate, as the Captain said, '* Ten knots an hour, by G — !"* To him this was perfectly delight- ful ; and infused so much honest hilarity into his soul, that he whistled and snapped his fin- gers, and stumped about deck, and blasphem- ed, more merrily than before. In the glee of his spirit, he called on the boatswain to give the ladies a hornpipe, which was then all the rage amongst the '^ Jack Tars of Old England." It was now evening, the moon v/as up and the waves glistening in a wide sheet of silve^ light. An old sailor, who was an excellent piper, poured the notes of his rude melody over the waters ; the boatswain began scuffling his 260 CONFESSIONS OF hornpipe on deck, and the novelty of the scene altogether — the sounds of the pipe mingling with the murmur of the wind — the beautiful and shining expanse of water — the moist tops of rocks bordering the coast, seen glittering through the moonlight, combined to afford my- self and my friend much pleasure. " Well done, Tom !" vociferated the Captain, when the sailor had finished his dance ; " that hornpipe is worth a hundred of your ball-room jigs, or your prim, pacing minuets ! What do you say, ladies?"" " Indeed !" we replied, " we think it has a good deal of effect on board a ship." " Ay ; but you ought to see that dance on board a ship when she is some hundreds of miles out at sea I It is ^^ew that the seaman enjoys the joviality of a hornpipe, and the circulation of the grog." " It must then, no doubt, be more interest- ing," I replied, " in proportion as the separa- tion from all objects of enjoyment which shore aflPords, is greater." That's truly said, by G — d is it ! There, « AN OLD MAID. S6l Tom, go round to the ladies, they '11 treat you to a can of grog, I '11 warrant, bless their pretty hearts ! Here 's a tester for you, my boy, from myself, to begin with.*" We added our donation to that of the Cap- tain, dropping it into the hat which was held out to receive it, and were repaid by many blunt and honest thanks, with a promise of being entertained with a hornpipe as often as we chose to call for it. Bill, the piper, was not forgotten, and after he had gone his round, we were regaled by the Captain himself, who declared himself in " rare piping cue" that evening. His voice was harsh and strong ; but tempered by the breeze, its harshness was in some measure subdued, and its notes at the same time derived a wildness that rendered them far from disagreeable : he sung one ballad characteristic of the spirit of the sea songs of the day, which no doubt figures in all collections of that species. And when this was concluded, he thought proper to regale us a second time with a stanza or two of a different description. There was something touching about the words, 262 CONFESSIONS OF which occasioned me, at the time, to impress them on my memory. To the best of my recollection they were these:— THE captain's SONG. Hath Fate thy bark swept o'er, Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea ? From Friends — Home's cherisli'd hearth. And smile, best-lov'd on earth, Of her whose heart is one, And beats but with thine own ? — 'Hiou know'st not how they 're dear, Till far o'er the sea ! For when is Home most dear ? Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea ! When pangs are most sincere That own man's lot severe ; — One, dull, dank, void surrounding. The wearied vision bounding — 'Tis then, is Home most dear ; Far o'er the sea ! And when, are Friends most dear ? Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea For them, when steals the tear. In vain regretted here, — When no fond hopes are waking The bitter severance breaking. ' Tis then, are friends most dear. Far o'er the sea ! AN OLD MAID. 263 And Love ! Oli, when most fond ? Far o'er the sea, far o*er the sea ! When grateful sighs respond, The heart might all despond, Were no bland dream infusing A balm to soothe its musing. Oh, then ! is Love most fond ; Far o'er the sea ! « From these ne'er sever 'd 5'et, Far o'er the sea, far o'er tlie sea ! Of all that links to life — All, worth our mortal strife ; ITie bliss of social ties .... Thou ne'er can'st know their price, Nor feel what means regret. Till far o'er the sea ! At the end of each stanza, the crew of sea- men joined in the chorus ; but the last sounds of their voices had scarcely died away over the water, when a shout from one of them, who had been employed in some little repair in part of the tackle, gave the alarm that the vessel had sprung a leak. " A leak 1 a leak ! She has sprung a leak !" was now reiterated by most of the sailors, and the pumps were set to work as fast as possible : the captain endeavouring, as politely as he could 264 CONFESSIONS OF — swear, to pacify two or three women who were in trepidation even greater than Mrs. Plum- tre had been. A signal was fired — the boats were quickly hoisted overboard, and in a short time our small crew was safely stowed in them, and off we were rowed towards shore. We were hailed by some fishermen, who had heard our signal; they afforded us an escort with their boats, and were ready with any other assistance we might have required. The yacht went down to the bottom, not very long after we had left her, for the swell was now getting greater every moment. The men pulled stoutly to shore, and we were landed not many miles westward of Weymouth, at about half-past ten, with the satisfaction of feeling we had escaped all danger. AN OLD MAID. 265 CHAPTER X. " SANCTUM SANCTORUM." The signal we had fired of a vessel in dis- tress, had reached the ears of the curate of the neighbourhood, a raw-boned athletic figure, of about the age of eight-and-twenty ; who had, amongst other persons, now sallied down to the beach, ^vith the laudable purpose of seeing if he could oifer assistance to any of the crew that were put on shore : by the style in which he offered it, I perceived that he was evangelical. The night was so fine that many of them made no scruple to pursue their way to Wey- mouth, availing themselves of the rustic convey- ances that the people of the village close by supplied. The accommodation of the parsonage- VOL. I. N ^66 CONFESSIONS OF house was tendered to Lady Kate, her uncle, and their attendants, the captain, and myself ; we being the only remaining persons of the crew that did not intend shifting our quarters that night, as the others had done. Two or three sailors also there were, who found ' a birth' for the night at the village public-house. The offer of Mr. Hezekiah Sanctum, (such, may I well give as the clergyman's name,) was thankfully accepted ; and accordingly he led the way to the parsonage-house, and seemed sur- }3rised at the unconcern with which Lady Kate and myself spoke of the " perilous adventure," from which he congratulated us on having es- caped. " My G — d ! there are not two better sailors in all the navy than those ladies, Mr. Sanc- tum," exclaimed the Captain, turning to the Curate, " I '11 forfeit my rank in it, if there arer " Indeed, they seem so," replied Mr. Sanc- tum; " God be praised for their escape !"" " Why," continued the Captain, addressing himself to us, '' you will look back with double AN OLD MAID. 267 pleasure to this day's sailing, on account of the stoutness with which you weathered our bit of an adventure, — which, by the by, might have brought us all to the bottom, just as fairly as if we had sprung a leak in the At- lantic ; d — d if it might not ! It is a pity that old fool of a woman that whined so, for fear she should be blown away to France and guil- lotined, was not in her when she sunk."" We were amusing our evangelical host with an account of Mrs. Plumtre's fears, when we arrived at the door of the parsonage-house. We were met in the entrance passage by the clergyman''s sister, Miss Rebecca Sanctum, a masculine-looking woman, and of the same raw- boned character of figure that her brother was. He introduced us to her in the following style : — " Behold ! sister Rebecca, I bring into our doors some whom the waves would have swal- lowed up, as the whale of old did Jonas, had not the hand of Providence interfered and ef- fected their deHvery. God be praised for this, and all his mercies !" " Praised be the Lord !" ejaculated his sister N 2 ^68 CONFESSIONS OF Rebecca, in a grunting twang, that vibrated through her nostrils hke the snort of a porpoise. " Walk in, ye delivered by the Lord ! ye sig- nally favoured ones, walk in, and take such refreshment as his handmaid shall offer ye." " D — n me,*' said the Captain, in a some- what lower tone than he generally uttered this phrase on deck, " if she won't find out that we ' favoured ones of the Lord' have good appetites after our perils ! " " Walk ye in," continued our reverend host, ^'and partake of such viands as the Lord, through the hand of his servants, shall pro- vide you — walk ye in ! Thou sister, go and procure the cheer ; our guests are, no doubt, an hungered, and athirst too." " Ay, d — n me if we are not," exclaimed the Captain, forgetting himself. Mr. Sanctum's countenance showed how much his naval guest's oaths distressed him. " We must be on our good behaviour, Cap- tain," said Lord Frederick, smiling ; " we shall shock our reverend host's ears if we talk to him as we should on board a ship." AN OLD MAID. 269 " You are right, my Lord," replied Wrench, good humouredly ; '' that knack we sailors have, of using our tongues so freely, does not certainly sound so natural in the holds of you landsmen, as with us — especially in such sancti- fied quarters as these." The entry of Miss Sanctum, and a stout cook, the only domestic in the establishment, with the viands, directed the attention of all parties to the recruital of their appetites. The Captain found himself so busily employed over a round of beef, that he, for the present, forgot his oaths : he gave a fine specimen of the hearty character of his profession, by demolishing al- most sufficient to have fed the parish of which our host had the cure, besides drinking up a proportionate quantity of ale. After the repast was concluded, Mr. Sanc- tum told us, that " Verily, his sister had cared for all things that might give comfort to our wearied bodies for the night," — which piece of cant meant to say, that our beds were ready, and the sheets well aired. " Maiden, you must be a- wearied," continued 270 CONFESSIONS OF he, addressing himself to me, *' sweet and sound be thy slumbers. I bid thee a good night, and commend ye all to the Lord !"" I thanked him for us all, and withdrew with Lady Kate and Miss Sanctum. The gentle- men (I include the Captain out of courtesy) were shown to their rooms by the pious Mr. Sanc- tum himself. I do not know how it was, but in spite of the evangelical drawl and canting style in vvhich our host thought proper to speak, — notwithstanding he testified so much impatience at the Captain's oaths, — yet I could not help thinking, by the expression of his eye, as he occasionally addressed Lady Kate and myself, that there lurked within him more of the sinner than the saint. My suspicions were not, it should seem, without some shadow of founda- tion. Late as it was by the time I found myself in bed, yet I did not feel m.uch fatigued : the expedition I had been upon, possessed so much of interest for me, that I was prevented from falling asleep by thinking it over. I lay awake for about three-quarters of an hour, and was AN OLD MAID. 271 just composing myself to sleep, when I heard the handle of my door turn softly and cau- tiously round ; and the moment after, a tall figure entered the room. I screamed out, and the apparition, if such it was, at first retreated : it then came forward again, paused, hesitated, and again stepped forward. I screamed out again and again, louder than before, when the figure strode hastily up to my bed-side, and kneeling down by it, begged of me, in a voice which I easily recognized, for Heaven"*s sake not to alarm the house — that the person who knjelt by my bed-side, was " no one of whom I need be afraid,'' being none other than the very pious and reverend and spiritual Mr. Sanctum himself ! Before I could answer him, to express my indignation and shame at his indecorous con- duct in daring to come into my bed-room, this evangelical sinner began vomiting forth a rhap- sody, no longer in the language of cant, about " the ardour of his affection for me, under the influence of which he was urged to seize upon this opportunity for declaring it, though it 272 CONFESSIONS OF might, indeed, appear too much of an intrusion on my privacy, — beyond all power of resist- ance " He was going on much in this style, when the alarm I felt at my situation, made me rouse myself with all the vehemence I could muster up, to reprobate his disgraceful behaviour, and insist upon his instant depar- ture, concluding my demand by a loud scream, which terrified him so much, that it put to flight his ardour, and without more ado forced hira to retreat. The shriek, echoing as it did through the house, set the dog barking, and broke through the slumbers of every body. The passage was quickly thronged by the con- course of Miss Rebecca Sanctum, Lord Fre- derick, the Captain, and my hypocritical host's clumsy cook-maid, all bustling out of their bed- rooms, and inquiring of each other the cause of the noise by which they had been awakened. Sanctum himself was too cunning to appear, for fear I might possibly come forth and im- peach : if he had, I scarcely think that I should have done so, for I considered, with great cha- rity, that as I should be going away the next AN OLD MAID. 273 day, it would be hardly worth while to make an exposure of his impropriety in his own house, especially as he had done our whole party a kindness in receiving us beneath his roof, and so I remained quite quiet, satisfying myself with the precaution of double-locking and bolting my door. The persons whom my scream had disturbed, after some jesting about ghosts, and seeking to no purpose the cause of the disturbance, finding at length that every thing was tranquil, separated, to withdraw again to their respective rooms, where they snored through the remainder of the night without farther disturbance. N 5 274 CONFESSIONS OF CHAPTER XI. DEPARTURE FROM THE PARSONAGE-HOUSE, AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT THEREON. The next morning, the subject of the last night's disturbance was of course agitated. Lady Kate remarked that I looked rather pale, to which I made no farther reply than that I had been fatigued with the adventures of the preceding day. The absence of Captain Wrench, for which nobody was able to account, excited suspicion that he had been implicated in the mystery of the nightly alarm ; but this suspicion could hardly be justly entertained, when it was remembered that he had been one of the number who had sallied forth to learn the cause of the alarm, upon which he lavished more oaths than he would even have uttered on deck. AN OLD MAID. 275 Suspicion, as usual, lit any where but on the right place ; and the hypocritical Mr. Sanctum, satisfying himself with the consideration that I should be unwilling to enter on an exposure, in which I myself should form so conspicuous a part, preserved his evangelical look and canting tone as hypocritically as before. I did not turn my eyes once upon the wretch ; his conduct, in my opinion, had been as heinous as any of the worst instances of deceit of the Jesuits, to which body he would have made a worthy addition. The noise of carriages rolling on the gravel road, up to the parsonage- house, directed our attention to see what they might portend. We were agreeably surprised by the presence of the Captain, who shortly informed us, that he had posted off to Weymouth that morning, before any of us were up, to procure conveyances " for the ladies." He had actually thought proper to bring over two barouches and four, swearing that we should set off from the parsonage-house S76 CONFESSIONS OF " in style !" and promising himself the pleasure of driving me — as far as Southampton, if I pleased — himself. For my own part, I was so anxious to leave my present quarters, that I eagerly embraced his proposal, and accordingly lost no time in set- ting off. Lord Frederick, Lady Kate, and their domestics, inside and out, occupied one of the barouches ; and I was left the other all to my- self. Leaving my friends to make acknowledg- ments to Mr. Sanctum, I confined myself to thanking his sister for her entertainment, and bethought me of proceeding on my way im- mediately. The Captain's gallantry was not contented with having provided ' the ladies,' conveyances; but he must also insist on pro- secuting his intentions of showing me the farther politeness of being my charioteer, an office which I very much doubted his compe- tence to discharge. The other barouche was driven by an ex- perienced coachman, who seemed an excellent whip: although he mounted his box ]ast,_yet AN OLD MAID. 277 he took the lead of the Captain, much to his annoyance, as he was desirous of exhibiting his gallantry to myself, to the utmost. I ventured to express a hope, as I got into the carriage, that he would be careful, which he answered with a triumphant appeal to the style in which he had driven from Weymouth. I was heartily sorry that the man who had driven the other carriage over, had not brought with him some brother coachman to lend his assistance, in case of the possible incompetency of the gallant Wrench. All impatience to overtake the other barouche, my hero d d away, and cracked his whip, and " touched up " the flanks of his leaders, till we were full gallop on a very bad road, full of ruts, and not much broader than a lane. It will be no matter of difficulty to foresee, that the very first turning to which we should come, must be the scene of an over- turn. As there happened to be a tolerably high bank by the road, or rather lane, side, the upset was not so serious as it might have been, and the horses were stopped from dragging tlie 278 CONFESSIONS OF vehicle after the overturn, by a troop of mowers, who, happening to pass by from, the village at the time, gave us their assistance, and helped me out of the carnage. The Captain was tossed from the box with a jerk over the hedge ; being, as has been stated, dumpy in stature, stout and thick-set, he sus- tained little or no injury, and soon recovered breath to swear with his usual freedom and facility. He scrambled over a stile, a short distance from the spot where he fell, and came back towards the carriage, in order to resume his seat on the box ; assuring me that I need not be afraid to trust myself under his care a second time, since we should soon find the road better than it had hitherto been, and he would take care to drive less rapidly, especially as there was no chance now of his overtaking the other vehicle. But I would not hear any re- monstrances of this sort, but was obstinate in my determination not to be driven by him any more. The more I resisted, the more earnest in his request did this ' navy captain' become ; AN OLD MAID. 279 and I kno^v not whether his vehemence would not ultimately have led him to attempting to put me into the carriage again against my will, had he not been interrupted by a voice on the other side of the hedge, which roared out, " Stay thy hand, barbarous, salt-water bumpkin ! where- fore threatenest thou thus, the damsel ? Let me hasten to chastise thee, monster, as thou deservest !" These words were followed by the appear- ance of the evangelical hypocrite Sanctum, who, I suppose prognosticating some mischief, had followed us on our track, in order that he might be in readiness to repair the insult he had of- fered me on the preceding evening, by any as- sistance which an accident on the road mi^ht possibly call for. His gaunt long figure was seen forcing itself through a gap in the hedge, and a moment after, he rushed down the bank, and met the captain with a violent blow, which ^ sent him reeling backwards some paces. The Captain, however, staggered but for a moment ; when recovering himself, and being 280 CONFESSIONS OF very active in spite of his stumpy figure, he sprung up the bank behind Sanctum, and jumping on his back clung round his neck by one arm, and pommelled the " parson's" visage witli back-handed blows, which sht his right nostril, and caused the blood to pour forth in torrents. The parson^ (I use Wrench's appellation) with some difficulty having emancipated him- self from the impediment on his back, turned his face to his adversary, and " let fly" both fists upon his nose and eyes, by which he accom- plished the " bunging up" of both the latter, and fetched from the former, what, in the lan- guage of the " fancy," (as newspaper reports show me,) is termed " claret"" as copiously as it flowed from his own. I screamed out to the combatants to desist, saying that their conduct was disgraceful and outrageous ; and that if they either of them hoped to find any favour in my eyes, they would instantly undouble their fists, shake hands, and endeavour to advance me on my AN OLD MAID. J1J8I journey by the safest and most advisable means. After some little time — (during which, Sanctum was pommelling his foe like another Gideon, or a Sampson smashing the Philistine marrow bones, with the ass's jaw-bone by way of cleaver) — the combat was brought to a close, to the great good fortune of the Captain, who must have been murdered, had the unequal fight much longer continued ; so much more powerful was his antagonist than he. He again renewed his request of being allowed to take the reins ; but as I would not hear of it, and as Sanctum protested he well understood the ma^- nagement of them, it was settled that he should act as coachman, while the Captain was to take his seat inside, with myself, for to sit on the same box with another who was performing the office of which himself was ambitious, was too much for his pride to support. Pretty figures, truly, did my escort present. My coachman with the blood gushing forth from his nose, and with one eye sealed up : and the gen- tleman by my side, with his face swelled to 282 CONFESSIONS OF the size of a pumpkin, and presenting all colours, like a haggiss ; with his eyes also sealed up, and his nose flattened to a level with his face. In this beautiful trim, we arrived at Weymouth, before the gaze of the wondering mob ; who seeing one lady, and two gentlemen in the maimed, or bruised, condition in which they were, could not be at a loss to guess that they had been quarrelling about the charms of her whom they escorted. The impudence of the Captain was scarcely less than that of his evangelical antagonist on the preceding night : he was in no wise abashed by the drubbing he had received ; but actually, when he was so frightfully disfigured that his natural ugliness was beyond measure increased, such had been the discipline of Sanctum's knuckles, — he had the absurdity, while we were in the carriage together, to pay his addresses to me, vowing his affection for me and deploring his bruises by turns. I could do no more than laugh at him on either account ; whether for being such a fool as to bring himself into AN OLD MAID. 283 the late predicament, under which he suffered : or for his extravagance, in pretending to pay his addresses to me, which, under any circum- stances, I should reject with disdain ; but which, in his present condition, were absolutely pre- posterous. On my arrival at Weymouth, I found Lady Kate and her uncle waiting to hear what had been the reason of our delay. I much amused them with a recital of the ludicrous affray that had taken place ; and the facetiousiiess, as I charitably termed it, of the Captain, in paying his addresses to me when he was really hideous enough to have terrified an Ogress into fits. As they were going on to Southampton, I took the opportunity of emancipating myself from my rival lovers, by accompanying my friends on their journey thither. On reaching Southampton, I found my do- mestics awaitinf]r mv arrival, as I had directed them. My inclinations now led me to bend my course through the New Forest. Lady Kate and her uncle radiated off, eastward : we part- 284 CONFESSIONS OF ed with the hope of meeting each other again on our return to town next season. It had been my intention to have stayed at Southamp- ton some little time; but the dread of again encountering the vulgar Captain, of whom I was heartily sick, did not permit me to hesitate a moment about leaving the place. By the by, the mention of this, my in- troduction to Kate, leads me to turn from my romance a moment, to observe, that my surprise remains as little dispelled as ever, relative to her recent, sudden departure from town. I still hear nothing of her, nor can I in the least guess when I shall. AN OLD MAID. 285 CHAPTER XII. THE RAMBLE CONTINUED. In my journey ings about the New Forest, I stopped at Lyndhurst for a short time, to finish some sketches that I had made in the course of my expedition, and to buy a fresh stock of pencils for the purpose of taking views in the New Forest. As I was walking down the vil- lage, accompanied by Margaret, I was accost- ed by a young man on horseback, who rode up to me smiling and bowing — " delighted to have met me, and charmed at seeing me so well," and so forth. This was young Lord Frippington, the iden- tical person with whose son the reader has seen me playing so prominent a part in a former 286 CONFESSIONS OF portion of this history, though at a very future period of my Hfe. Lord Frippington had been some time an acquaintance of mine, and one of the most devoted of my admirers. When he understood that it was my intention to con- tinue my journey almost immediately, he en- treated of me most earnestly to change my mind, for the purpose of riding with him to see the hounds throw off the next morning, at the distance of a few miles from the place. A number of distinguished persons were to be on the field, amongst whom were the Duke of D , Lord S , and the Honourable Mr. P , and various others of rank and dis- tinction. There was to be such a stag hunt as had rarely, if ever, been witnessed before in that part of the country. Always active, and fond of adventure, I did not hesitate very long to comply with his pro- posal, and being promised by my cavalier that he would mount me on a pretty gentle steed, I consented to ride with him to see the hounds throw off the next morning. AN OLD MAID. 287 The field afforded, indeed, a grand and ani- mating spectacle : the throngs of distinguished equestrians, many of whom I recognized, in their scarlet uniform ; the beautiful horses on which they were mounted ; the cheering sounds of the huntsman's horn — the impatient baying of the hounds — the cry of wild delight when the quarry started before them, echoing through the forest glades, were to me delightful. I longed, giddy creature as I was, to be one of those happy sportsmen, with a long whip and a red coat, flying away over hedge and ditch, splashing through streamlets, and galloping over mead and fallow, " neck or nothing," as they would have said. " With a hey, hoa, che^7 ! Hark forward ! hark forward ! tantivy 1" woods and hills and dales, resounding beneath the tramp of horses, — to the bay of the pack giving tongue, and the hunting-cry of emulous sportsmen ! Lord Frippington kept close by "^y side the 288 CONFESSIONS OF whole way from Lyndhurst to the scene of the chase. '' Come, let us follow them a little way,"" he exclaimed, '*! long to gallop after them !" — so without saying more, he gave my palfrey a flick with his whip, and away we went at full speed after the rest of the field. We had not ridden very long before he sud- denly turned his horse down an avenue of the Forest, quite in a contrary direction from that which the field were pursuing, my horse follow- ing his at full gallop ; we rode down it, till it brought us to the open road .... What was my surprise at finding his Lordship's carriage and four, waiting, evidently by a preconcerted plan, in readiness to hurry me away. I was entirely in his power, as I did not know the way back to Lyndhurst, by the lanes and gates through which he had brought me ; neither did I know which direction to take on the high-road, since it branched out just at this spot in different ways, without any notice as to which of its branches led to the village ; so I could do nothing more than protest against the AN OLD MAID. 289 treacherous and unworthy stratagem by which I had been cajoled. But it was to little pur- pose that I talked ; I was quickly taken from my steed by his Lordship and one of his grooms, and deposited in the carriage, weeping and protesting, by turns, at the barbarous treat- ment I was receiving. He, on his part, was all the while protesting no less loudly how distractedly he loved me,^ and begging me to pacify myself, since I might, he declared, repose confidence in his honour and affection for me. I called to the grooms to res- cue me, and entreated them not to suffer such unmanly and cruel conduct in their master ; but they did not at all show themselves to be of the melting mood, but relentlessly permitted his Lordship to carry me away, wherever he pleased. I begged to know where it was his inten- tion to conduct me. I was informed that the place of our destination at present was his own house in London. I hoped for an opportunity of making my situation known as we passed through the towns on our way ; but my abduc- VOL. I. o 290 CONFESSIONS OF tor took the precaution of hurrying rapidly through every town to which we came, and not changing horses till we had passed some way beyond them. Never did I cease, throughout the whole journey, inveighing against the outrageous man- ner in which I was treated : this, however, had little effect on him ; he answered all my up- braidings with ardent declarations of his pas- sion — his wish to make me his bride — and, in fact, permitted me to rail on, till I was utterly exhausted. We were at length whirled up to the door of a house in Cavendish Square, at which we stopped. The blinds, which had hitherto been pulled down, were now, for the first time du- ring our journey, drawn up. I was soon hand- ed by my lover into the house, and as quickly conducted up-stairs into the drawing-room. I thought proper not to make any desperate scene, until I should have tried what a little calm reasoning would do — for the man really seemed to love me ; and if I had believed him, " even AN OLD MAID. 291 to distraction,^'' as it is called. Though he addressed me with wondrous respect, yet he at the same time gave me to know, that he was determined in his resolution of not suffering me to leave the house, until he had extorted from me the promise that I would accede to his wishes of marrying me. With tears, sighs, protestations, clasping of hands, and other desperately amorous symp- toms, did he prosecute his suit, but I remained " relentless as a rock ;" and finding that all calm remonstrance was futile, I again had re- course to vehement reprobations of his tyranny in keeping me thus his prisoner, but all to no purpose. I had now been in captivity as much as two days; on the morning of the third I sent him a message from my room, saying, that from his treatment of me, I was very unwell, and that unless he would allow me to go home, I should positively become excessively ill. This expedient only served to make my condi- tion worse ; nothing could satisfy my distract- ed admirer, but coming up to my room to see o 2 292 CONFESSIONS OF me the moment I was dressed ; when he again went through all the fustian which his passion had before dictated ; while I, on my part, uttered mj retaliatory volley of upbraiding and expostulation. I used such bitter language, that he wished me to believe that he was quite overpowered with it ; and by way of stage effect, staggered out of my room with his hand pressed before his eyes, pretending to sob, as if his heart would burst. As soon as I had got rid of him, I sat some little time considering what I should do, and then went down-stairs into the drawing- room, confidently determined that this day should be the last of my captivity. I calmly inquired of him, if he was yet willing to come to a sense of propriety, and would permit me to go to my own residence ? I met with a re- fusal, delivered on the same principle by which all his former tyranny had been justified, — when I instantly sprung to the casement, flung it open, and screamed out for assistance as loudly as I could. The cry soon brought a mob to- AN OLD MAID. 203 gedier : hackney-coachmen, footmen, shopmen, dustmen, butcher's boys, and knife-grinders, foot-soldiers, and straggling grenadiers, sweeps, and old-clothesmen — all came pouring in motley inundation before the house. I still continued screaming out that I was forcibly retained, against my will, in the house in which they saw me, and begged of them to liberate me. This address soon brought his lordship to his senses, and also brought him — to the window ; which, no doubt, he w^as apprehensive would be soon saluted with a battery of missiles, especially as the mob were roarino; out about " IFiolatine; the liberty of the subject !" " The sperit of Magni/ Charta, and the Mbeas Corpus Aact V He opened another of the casements and endea- voured to persuade them that my appeal to them had been entirely groundless, and that it was far from his wishes to detain me ag-ainst my will. But his lordship's logic was thrown away upon their obstinate incredulity ; they insisted with one voice, that " no lady would cry out in that there manner in which I had <294 CONFESSIONS OF called to them, unless she were shameful! v trflted." They farther threatened that they would break open the street-door and take me from him by force, unless I was instantly set at liberty as I desired. The matter was cut short by the entry of two police-officers into the room, who expostulated with his Lordship in pretty strong terms, about the breach of the peace of which he was guilty, and which no privileges he might boast could justify, and the probable conse- quences of such behaviour. They were in- terrupted by me with a request that they would say nothing more about the matter, but directly procure me a safe escort home, which was all I required. My request was soon complied with : I was put into the carriage of a gentleman who resided a few doors off, and kindly offered me the accom- modation. The mob, seeing me at liberty, dis- persed, but not till after I had thrown amongst them, like Wellborn in the play, some testimo- nies of my acknowledgment, that it was to them AN OLD MAID. 295 that I considered my delivery due. This piece of generosity ehcited from them three cheers of applause, in the din of which huzzaing, I was driven off in great triumph to my residence. END OF THF FIRST VOLUME. LONDON : riiSNTKI) LY S. AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET.