L I B R.AFLY 
 
 OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 or ILLI NOI5 
 
 /
 
 CONFESSIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 AN OLD MAID. 
 
 '* Now, good sisters, you do me wrong, marry, do you, if you think I 
 
 would say aught to shock your self-love; trust me, I respect your delicacy 
 
 too much to be guilty of such misdoing." 
 
 OLD PLAY. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON : 
 HENRY COLBURN, NEW BURLINGTON STREET. 
 
 1828.
 
 LONDON 
 PIUNT ED By S, AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET.
 
 V "^ ^ 
 
 C X3Zc 
 
 TO 
 
 LADY , 
 
 oJ THESE CONFESSIONS 
 
 ^ ARE INSCRIBED, 
 
 
 
 
 z 
 
 c 
 
 WITH SENTIMENTS OF THE SINCEREST REGARD, 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR.
 
 CONFESSIONS 
 
 OF AN 
 
 OLD MAID. 
 
 BOOK THE FIRST. 
 
 THE OLD MAIDS SCHOOL FOR VANITY. 
 
 " C. Whom call you giddy ? A. She, whose years but speak 
 The folly of her actions. Like a moth 
 Pursuing vanity, the traitorous glare 
 That lures her on ; flutt'ring too near the verge 
 Of life's extremest boundary : reckless she 
 The while, her course, how justly it provokes 
 Gaze, gape, and jibe, and Reason's pitying sneer." 
 
 Old Play. 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 CONFESSIONS 
 
 OF AN 
 
 OLD MAID. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 INTRODUCTORY. THE OLD MAID's FONDEST 
 
 REMINISCENCE. 
 
 Of the peculiar plan which my career 
 marks out for me to pursue in this memorial, 
 and the various circles of society in which it 
 will exhibit me, I shall proceed to make men- 
 tion by and by ; at present, my attention is 
 called to another subject. 
 
 No one ever yet heard of a heroine of any 
 work of entertainment, that was not in love : 
 but the exhibition of this tender feeling in a 
 heroine, situated .as I myself am, is ever looked 
 upon, by a most disrespectful world, as a bur- 
 lesque ! 
 
 B 2
 
 4 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 The world, I say, is too apt to consider 
 the sentiment, or ' sentimentality,' of single la- 
 dies, who have, like myself, passed the first 
 verge of youth, as 77zocA:-sentimentaHty ! Just 
 as if a few years could quench the finer feel- 
 ings of human nature : — -just as if the soft emo- 
 tion of passion no longer glowed in our breasts : 
 or if it did^ must be ridiculous ! This is all 
 scandal; this is the malignity of an opprobri- 
 ous world. But, however much I may resent 
 it, I fear it will little avail me to endeavour to 
 escape it ; and, as I am bent upon revealing 
 every thing which the generality of my maiden 
 sisters must have felt themselves bound to con- 
 fess, had they entered upon a work of this na- 
 ture ; and since, as a heroine, I must represent 
 myself in love, — which is (need I blush to con- 
 fess it ?) the truth, — if I am to have the credit, 
 whether I will or no, of moc/:-sentimentality, it 
 will be in vain for me to attempt to disguise it 
 by any seriousness of tone. No ! My language, 
 therefore, shall correspond with that character 
 which the world attributes to my sentiment. If 
 I must exhibit myself, in this particular at
 
 AN OLD MAID. 5 
 
 least, in the light of a burlesque, I will show 
 the world that I am willing to humour it, while 
 I defy it, in the adoption of a language con- 
 sistent with this effect, whenever I touch upon 
 the tenderest of subjects.^ It is not my inten- 
 tion, however, to liarass my feelings (« sigJi) 
 more than I can help, " by the sweet agitation 
 this delicate topic induces.*''' 
 
 w ^ ^ y^ y^ ^ ^ 
 
 It was the smiling season of seventeen. I 
 sat by the window apart from my sisters, si- 
 lent and sorrowful, thinking of the separation 
 that was to take place between my lover and 
 myself. Some one was admitted into the house. 
 I heard a footstep on the staircase ; a tall noble- 
 looking youth entered the room : — it was Al- 
 bert — it was my lover. He was come to bid 
 me the last farewell, previously to entering 
 upon his departure for a distant clime. Our 
 interview was bitter; our parting was heart- 
 rending : ere he went, he left me his portrait, in 
 
 * On such occasions, my reader may perhaps be amused, by 
 imagining my tone of voice and air in speaking.
 
 6 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 return for my own miniature. The anniver- 
 sary of that cruel day (I have not courage 
 to say, directly, howmany years ago it dawned) 
 has ever been kept sacred by me with tender- 
 ness and regret. Yes, dear youth ! the anni- 
 versary of his departure is arrived this day; 
 and be it ever cherished in the remembrance of 
 his fond Clorinda ! 
 
 Ever since the departure of my Albert, — the 
 date of which will be understood presently, — 
 has his portrait hung up in my chamber ^ — my 
 bed-chamber ; and on every recurring season of 
 his departure, I take it down and look at it, 
 and call to mind the hours of our early attach- 
 ment ; while I gently upbraid its absent ori- 
 ginal, for the long silence that he has forced 
 me to endure. 
 
 '' Eugenie, bring me the miniature that 
 hangs on the right-hand side of the mantel- 
 piece in my room." 
 
 " What, Mr. Conroy's, Miss Mirabelle ?" 
 
 " Yes, child, you knov) which I mean — -fetch 
 it ; whilst I dry my eyes. Why is he absent 
 from me so long ? Can he have proved false ?
 
 AN OLD MAID. 7 
 
 he for whom I have thus preserved myself 
 single, and amidst so many temptations to ma- 
 trimony ? Must I deem him perfidious ? Sleep, 
 unworthy suspicion ! Sleep ! and let no such 
 fears cause a moment's unhappiness to this 
 tenderly fluttering bosom." 
 
 I had scarcely received the portrait from 
 Eugenie's hand, when a carriage came rattling 
 up to the door. The loud double rap thunder- 
 ed so suddenly in my ears, that I let the por- 
 trait drop from my hand in my agitation. 
 Eugenie had but just picked it up and ma- 
 naged to conceal it, before Lady Katharine 
 Ratlington was announced. If any one else 
 but Lady Katharine had paid me a visit, I 
 should have been sadly overcome ; but the 
 sight of her relieved me — she is an intimate 
 acquaintance and old friend of mine, and it is 
 with feelings of the warmest regard that I men- 
 tion her name. I need hardly observe that the 
 appellation I have assigned her, is not her real 
 name, but one which I make use of with suffi- 
 cient propriety, as indicating her pecuhar cha- 
 racter. She is lively, energetic, always in good
 
 8 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 spirits, and though always active, not in the least 
 bustling. She indulges at times in ridicule, and 
 talks a good deal : these are her peculiarities — 
 almost all people have their peculiarities, more 
 or less ; her's are so harmless that it is impossi- 
 ble for any one to be offended with them. They 
 are far outbalanced by the good sense, clever- 
 ness, amiability and wit, that is ever beaming 
 through them. A complete congeniality of 
 habits, tastes, dispositions, and perhaps whims, 
 has knit our souls so closely together, that ^I 
 may almost say, we live but for one another, 
 and possess things in common. We go out to 
 parties together, and whoever knows Lady Ka- 
 tharine Ratlington, must also be acquainted 
 with Miss Clorinda Mirabelle. The house of 
 one is scarcely less the house of the other ; and 
 the day is alternately spent by me at Lady 
 Kate's, and by her at Miss Mirabelle's. If 
 there is any difference between us, it is, that 
 she is not so romantic as myself, and that, I sup- 
 pose, makes all the difference. We are both 
 considered by the world as " characters ;'' and 
 by some are even designated " originals." With
 
 AN OLD MAID. 
 
 respect to that amiable weakness of mine, which 
 the opening of this chapter exhibits, she is the 
 friend that lets me understand the disrespectful 
 opinions which the world entertains concern- 
 ing it. 
 
 " Why, my dear Clorinda," said Lady Kate, 
 on entering the room, " what is the matter with 
 you to-day ? You seem all in confusion.**' 
 
 I was ashamed to declare what was my occu- 
 pation when she stopped at the door, for she 
 is terribly satiric, though good-humouredly so. 
 I therefore replied, " that I had a head-ache 
 that morning, from having slept badly the night 
 before, and that the noise of the carriage had 
 startled me.'' 
 
 '* Well !" she replied, " you will be more com- 
 posed after we have been out a short time ; so 
 pray go and get ready, that we may have our 
 drive while the day is fine." 
 
 I did as Lady Kate desired me, but felt no 
 inclination to become cheerful so quickly as she 
 seemed to expect. As soon as we were seated 
 in the carriage, my lively friend began by ur- 
 ging me to lay aside my dejection. " It is a very
 
 10 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 poor compliment to me," she said, " to be so 
 dull in my societ}^ ; do, for Heaven's sake, be a 
 little more cheerful." 
 
 " My dear Kate," I replied with an involun- 
 tary sigh, " you know there is no human being 
 who is generally more lively than myself ; or, if 
 I were not inclined to be so, there is no society 
 that could rouse me into cheerfulness so readily 
 as your own — but now and then, these fits of de- 
 pression cannot easily be overcome; and you 
 must make allowances for the circumstances of 
 the day." 
 
 " Goodness ! the day," said Kate, much 
 amused; " how can you persist in thinking 
 about a person, who has forgotten you long 
 before this time, you may be sure." 
 
 " Forgotten ! No such thing !^ Never try to 
 persuade me that Albert Conroy, — he who was 
 the friend and constant companion of my child- 
 hood, could ever forget the love he once felt, 
 and vowed, for me. I live in confidence yet, of 
 
 * " Si c'est une illusion, rien ne peut plus me Tarracher, 
 et je la nourrirai jusqu'a tombeau," says Mde. de Simraeren, 
 in a similar feeling, in Mde. Cottin's " Amelie de Mans- 
 field."— Ed.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 11 
 
 his return. Forgotten me ! — Not through twice 
 the number of years that have elapsed since 
 I saw him !" 
 
 " Well, well," said Kate, still smihng, with 
 a cruel incredulity, '* I will not tease you any 
 more, but let me persuade you, if you will 
 not be lively now, to be lively this evening, 
 by which time I should hope your depres- 
 sion will have had time to evaporate." 
 
 " Lively this evening? what, do you wish 
 me to accompany you any where ?" 
 
 " Yes, certainly, we are both of us going 
 to Lady Charlotte Rossignol's concert this 
 evening." 
 
 " Not I, indeed Kate, I assure you ; I have 
 sent to excuse myself. I could never consent 
 to impose such a constraint on my feelings, as 
 to go out when I am in this nervous condition." 
 
 " How you amuse me, my dear Clorinda ; 
 it is really ridiculous to hear you talk in this 
 languishing style. Well, if you will not come 
 out to-night^ I hope you will be well enough 
 to go to that silly woman's ball, — I mean 
 Lady Canterly's, — next Thursday se'nnight."
 
 1^ CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 ** I shall be happy to go any where next 
 Thursday week — only, this day, I have a scru- 
 ple of conscience in keeping sacred : when it is 
 passed, I shall be myself again. A melancholy 
 break of this sort is agreeable now and then in 
 the midst of more thoughtless avocations." 
 
 " Then, what do you intend doing with 
 yourself this evening ?" 
 
 " Staying at home. Perhaps my old brother 
 will come and sit with me." 
 
 " Oh, how is the old gentleman ? — is he as 
 misanthropic and whimsical as ever .f*" 
 
 ''Just the same ; he does not favour even 
 me with his company very often.*" 
 
 " Have you shown him those stanzas which 
 we amused ourselves with making in his praise, 
 the other day ?"" 
 
 " What the new addition to our Album, 
 ' Cupid's Physician ?'* No, I intend letting 
 him hear the stanzas this evening." 
 
 " Be assured he will never listen to them 
 with good humour." 
 
 * Sec Confessions of an Old Bachelor, book viii. ch. 7, 
 p. 359.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 13 
 
 So, indeed, did it turn out ; even as Lady 
 Kate had just said, and as I shall show by and 
 by : at present I shall observe, that my friend 
 and myself occupied the time in taking 
 a drive, with a view to dispel the vapours 
 that besieged me, — but to no purpose ; my 
 constant bosom cherished the subject of its 
 depression too truly to admit of being relieved 
 of it so easily. After our drive was over, 
 and myself landed at my own house, I bade 
 my friend good-bye for that day, and contented 
 myself with the prospect of a quiet evening. 
 
 Whenever I had no other companion, T used to 
 make Eugenie, the young person above mention- 
 ed, (in whose welfare I had taken considerable 
 interest,) supply the place of one. She acted, 
 indeed, to a certain extent, in the capacity of 
 an attendant, but I treated her quite as a con- 
 fidante. Her real name was not that which I 
 have given her, but Lady Kate had taken it 
 into her head to christen her by it, because the 
 girl was like a French lady she had known, 
 whose name was Eugenie. She had been re- 
 commended to me as an object of charity when
 
 14 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 a child, not much above seven years old ; I 
 found her destitute and an orphan. Her 
 father had been in the army, and had died 
 in service, and her mother had lately fallen 
 a victim to a severe illness. I took the child 
 under my protection, and educated her ; and 
 was pleased to find that she showed herself 
 very clever and affectionate. On the morning 
 in question, recollecting the suggestion of 
 Lady Kate, I took it into my head to make 
 her sing the above-mentioned song, which in 
 our jocose moments we had made at the ex- 
 pense of that morose Old Bachelor, my brother. 
 In this innocent pasquinading, we shall here- 
 after perhaps be seen indulging to a little 
 wider extent. 
 
 The effect was as my friend had prognosti- 
 cated, though I never expected that the old gen- 
 tleman would have flown into such a passion 
 as he did. How angry he was, he has himself 
 sufficiently declared in his "Confessions;" so 
 I shall say no more about the matter. Since 
 that period he has never once come near me ; 
 and it was from that time that I began the
 
 AN OLD MAID. l5 
 
 history of myself, my age being then about 
 seven-and-forty ; now, that I am subsequent/^/ 
 prefixing this introduction to it, I have added 
 seven years to that amount. The reasons that 
 urged me to undertake it, and how they are 
 connected with the circumstances of disagree- 
 ment between my brother and myself, I shall 
 proceed to explain immediately. Meanwhile, 
 the period at which this disagreement took 
 place, was the evening of that very day, in 
 which I indulged in the fond reminiscence 
 with which my Chapter opens.
 
 16 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 INTRODUCTORY STILL. THE OLD MAID IN A 
 
 TANTARUM. 
 
 From various bints^ which from time to 
 time my old brother bad thrown out, I was 
 aware that he would one day publish some 
 work concerning his life ; and I bad a suspi- 
 cion that if ever he did so, he would take 
 the opportunity of finding fault in it with my- 
 self; since be frequently used to upbraid 
 me with vanity, and a certain "friskiness that 
 did not become my years,"*' to use his own 
 rude language. Impressed with such suspi- 
 cions as these, I determined not to be behind- 
 hand in opposing him, in such a manner as 
 I shall by and by explain, whenever he should 
 exasperate me, by the attack I expected from
 
 AN OLD MAID, 17 
 
 him. With this view, from the very moment 
 of our disagreement I set about writing my 
 own " Confessions." 
 
 Previously, however, to entering upon them, 
 I must pause for a moment, to describe the 
 indignation which I feel, while beholding his 
 uncomplimentary volume in my hand. Yes, Sir, 
 you are detected ! it cannot escape me that none 
 but yourself has been penning this reflection 
 upon me ! you have been guilty, have you, of 
 describing me as old and decrepid ? Most un- 
 warrantable calumny ! you have actually the 
 presumption to say that I am withered and 
 infirai ! Suppose I were ever so old, ever 
 so infirm and withered, what licence have you, 
 pray, to thrust all these particulars before the 
 public ? Oh, heavens ! I scarcely know how 
 to contain myself! 
 
 But it is too obvious that jealousy and envy 
 have actuated you in speaking thus of me. — 
 Yes, jealousy and envy. You know you were 
 ever jealous of the admiration, (I may say so) 
 in which society held me. You know, though 
 I dare say you will not admit it, uncandid and
 
 18 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 ungenerous as you are, that you were always 
 envious of my sociable qualities, my universal 
 amiability and cheerfulness of disposition. 
 
 Morose, unaffable man ! why, is it not un- 
 warrantable and audacious .... but I wish to be 
 calm, though the provocation I have received 
 is sufficient to disturb even a gentler and more 
 reasonable spirit than my own. Yes, Sir ! I 
 wish, I say, to be calm, though my indignation 
 has had too just a cause for its excitement. 
 Indignation, did I say ? — rather let indignation 
 sleep, and be my contempt, Sir, awakened in 
 its stead. 
 
 Yes, be such the desert of one so unworthy. 
 I disregard your reflections on me, whether 
 past or present, whether personal or moral : 
 and as to the last, I shall prove to you my 
 disregard for them, by the exposure of all 
 those foibles to which they have related. Do 
 not think to deter me from this intention, by 
 suggesting ' that I shall be entering on a bur- 
 lesque of myself; and that the exposure will be 
 at my own expense.' I do not view the matter 
 in that light. I am not unwilling to avow any
 
 AN OLD MAID. 19 
 
 peculiarities whatever, of which I may be pos- 
 sessed. Why, indeed, should I shrink from ac- 
 knowledging that, which the world has already 
 witnessed in me so long ? 
 
 But to turn from you, to the reader ; to quit 
 my character of a calumniated female, and to 
 assume that of the Old Maid. 
 
 The general idea that the world seems to 
 entertain of all our sex that come under this 
 denomination, is, that they are either stiff, 
 prim, and crabbed : or meddling, curious, and 
 inquisitive; uncouth in their general appearance, 
 repelling in their physiognomy, and grotesque 
 in their dress. Is not this, however, a limited 
 — is it not but a vulgar idea of the character ? 
 Assuredly so ! It belongs but to a confined 
 observation. 
 
 It is my intention, then, to endeavour to do my 
 subject the entire justice it demands ; and first of 
 all, in the exposure of those vanities,* with which 
 I have represented myself as being taunted, to 
 follow the Old Maid over other ground than 
 that on which she seems generally to be sta- 
 
 * B. I.
 
 20 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 tioned. In doing so, it has been my object to 
 select such situations as exhibit my peculiar 
 traits of character in their strongest light. As, 
 however, I have become acquainted with a va- 
 riety of scenes in the vicissitudes of my history, 
 I shall subsequently proceed to exhibit her in 
 that shape in which the ordinar}^ notion seems 
 best inclined to recognize her.* 
 
 The character of romance which was given 
 me by nature, will be traced more or less 
 throughout my pages, and will perhaps be par- 
 ticularly developed in some portion or other 
 of my work, exclusively devoted to it.-[- 
 
 To explain the natural stages by which I 
 pass from one scene to the other of all that I 
 describe, I prefix to each book an introduction ; 
 which serves as a link by which the different 
 divisions of my work are held in amicable con- 
 federacy together. 
 
 With respect to the date of events 
 
 * B. III. " Old Maid in a Country Village :" and B. IV. 
 ** Old Maid in a Country Town." 
 
 f B. II. " Old Maid's Romance," containing her early 
 career up to the period at which she commences '*01d Maid;'* 
 with all matters conducing to that result.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 21 
 
 through which I invite the reader to accompany 
 me, I shall mention that they are, generally 
 speaking, described at the time at which they 
 take place. And if I can safely vouch, with 
 respect to a great proportion of them, that they 
 are not merely imaginary, but actual records 
 of existing particulars, I hope their authority 
 may not be a cause of any diminution of their 
 interest. 
 
 If any apology can be required for my speak- 
 ing thus of myself, I must appeal to the na- 
 ture of the work on which I am engaged ; 
 for it is scarcely necessary for me to observe, 
 that in all ' Confessions,' the point of interest 
 rests in the fullest exhibition of every thing 
 that belongs to that character, which consti- 
 tutes their subject ; independently, of course, 
 of other sources of effect. 
 
 But to return for a moment to the opprobrious 
 origin of all this — my self-exposure. I recollect 
 now, Sir, that besides the insinuations you used 
 to make as to my habits of life, you actually, 
 in the excess of your characteristic moroseness, 
 suggested that I was an " Old Maid/' to my
 
 22 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 face ! This you said on the evening on which 
 you thought proper to be offended with me. 
 If I was angry then^ at your saying so, I now 
 tell you, tliat I glory in the title, for reasons 
 which I may hereafter disclose ; at present it is 
 not my intention to enter into any of those re- 
 flections which the condition of my peculiar 
 character may at some future season suggest. 
 You also, in that unhandsome volume of yours, 
 give the world to know that I am a snuff-taker ! 
 
 Here again you manifest yourself a traducer ! 
 Do you suppose I could ever consent to pol- 
 lute myself with a custom so disagreeable ? — 
 as any old village school-mistress, or washerwo- 
 man might ? Do you suppose I should ever 
 subject myself to such an inconvenience, when 
 I can procure smelling-salts, or any other sti- 
 mulant, for the mere trouble of sending to my 
 perfumer's ? Not, if you were to present me 
 with the choicest specimen of all that it is your 
 daily delight to consume, in a box of the work- 
 manship of Benvenuto Cellini himself, would I 
 be bribed into a habit so repugnant to me. 
 
 And it is thus, you have had the heart to
 
 AN OLD MAID. 28 
 
 calumniate a sister ? Unfeeling and unkind ! 
 she may surely be pardoned for any harsh ex- 
 pression which she has been urged to indulge 
 in against you. But no more must I delay — 
 let me proceed to the testimony of my disre- 
 gard for your comments on me. Now, Sir, 
 carry your recollection back to the period at 
 which you were pleased to animadvert on my 
 vanities. Now for that exposure which will 
 doubtlessly excite your dissatisfaction ; and will 
 make you repent your interference, though to 
 me it is a source of amusement. Yes ! now 
 for those " Confessions," which shall outshine 
 your own, as the evening-star gleams conspi- 
 cuous above the surrounding galaxy !
 
 24 CONFESSIONS O? 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE TEMPLE OF VESTA. 
 
 To commence with the exhibition of that 
 trait, which is by myself considered so much 
 naivete; though I have candour enough to 
 allow, that by others it might, perhaps, be 
 called affectation : and if so, the imputation 
 may well be shared by more than one of my 
 fair cotemporaries, whom I could mention. 
 
 At No. — Street, Grosvenor-Square, 
 
 dwells Miss Clorinda Mirabelle, the subject of 
 these memoirs, rather tall than short in person ; 
 rather dark than fair in complexion — that is, 
 not a light beauty ; of an engaging coun- 
 tenance, and w4th dark blue eyes. The pro- 
 gress of her interesting day shall be traced 
 from its earliest dawn to its conclusion ; and
 
 AN OLD MAID. 25 
 
 with that view let the reader, (scandal apart,) 
 be indulged with an introduction into that 
 temple sacred to Vesta — her bed-room. Some 
 people might, perhaps, express prudish ob- 
 jections to introductions of this nature ; espe- 
 cially as Miss Mirabelle is now and then ac- 
 cused of encouraging flirtation, but she begs 
 leave to say, that she treats all such insinua- 
 tions with ineffable disdain ; and if any excuse 
 is required of her for acting as she does, she 
 shall give no other, than that " she is perfectly 
 satisfied with what she is about ;" — the only 
 excuse a lady ever considers herself bound to 
 give for any thing. She feels fully convinced 
 that she is entering upon her subject at its 
 legitimate source. However, there need be 
 little foundation for any idle insinuations, 
 since the reader may just as well be a lady as 
 a gentleman. 
 
 But to speak of myself in my own proper 
 person, I dare say, whether lady or gentleman, 
 my reader has often seen — (and of course 
 admired, if possessed of any taste,) a repre- 
 sentation of a lady's dressing room by Jan 
 
 VOL. I. c
 
 26 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Steen, or some such similar Dutch artist. The 
 studied delicacy of touch will be remembered — 
 the minuteness and nicety of drawing, the bed 
 curtains — the pattern of the carpet — the dress- 
 ing table — the toilette — all presenting them- 
 selves as bright in colouring as they are faith- 
 ful in delineation : such, shall it be my en- 
 deavour to present the description of my own 
 chamber.'^ To exhibit myself then in the morn- 
 ing, just awakening — like Aurora shall I say ? 
 Not exactly. In youth it was another thing, 
 but now 1 am apprehensive that I might pos- 
 sibly be contemplated by some as not quite so 
 agreeable an object, just emerging from my 
 '* downy couch." But I can hardly agree with 
 these persons, since I think that if amusement — 
 (it might possibly be, admiration) — is agreeable, 
 my figure in dishabille would afford it amply. 
 
 I cannot bear to see myself in the glass look- 
 ing pale, or even to fancy that I look so : so 
 the moment that I get out of bed, I hurry to 
 the dressing-table, and gently dabbing my 
 
 * Miss Mirabelle, it seems, is pursuing in prose, the prin- 
 ciple " ut pictura, poesis." — Ed.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 27 
 
 finger in the pot of rouge paste, am soon en- 
 abled to congratulate myself on a sufficient 
 colour. Although I do not look at the glass 
 very much, after I have put it on, yet the idea 
 I have of my own becomingness is pleasing 
 and consolatory. I can now approach break- 
 fast with a tranquillity which would in vain 
 have been sought for did I not fancy myself 
 in good looks. 
 
 Conceive me, now, with an elegant negligence 
 leaning back in a soft-cushioned large arm-chair, 
 covered with green velvet, my feet resting on 
 a foot- stool of the same material — my appear- 
 ance, really not altogether unlike that of an 
 Eastern princess. Does this savour of affec- 
 tation .P Dryden's " sitting picture" of " the 
 lovely Thais" represents her " as like a bloom 
 ing Eastern bride" — why not the lovely Mi- 
 rabelle ? On a little rose- wood table by my side, 
 stands the breakfast, consisting of a capaciously- 
 sized cup of chocolate, invitingly frothing, and 
 flavoured with vanilla, and a small loaf of brown 
 bread. No chocolate pot burthens the tray; 
 which, by the by, is a very pretty red-japan 
 
 c 2
 
 28 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 one, decorated with the gilded figures of two 
 Chinese belles, sitting under a verandah, and 
 feeding a mackaw. 
 
 This, my morning^s repast, Eugenie brings 
 nie at uncertain periods, somewhere between 
 ten and twelve. I am some little time getting 
 through it ; for I am fond of employing this 
 interval in contemplating either present or past 
 subjects — either projects of to-day, or the scenes 
 of days gone by. It is, indeed, almost the only 
 time at which people are free from all moles- 
 tation, either from friends or strangers. We feel 
 happy in the confidence that no one can dis- 
 turb us ; our acquaintance being no less happy 
 than ourselves in the enjoyment of seclusion, 
 and temporary freedom from interruption: — 
 as glad to leave us to ourselves, as we are to be 
 excused seeing them. 
 
 Young maids, in their moments of seclusion — 
 at their toilette— during a solitary l)reakfast — 
 think of their lovers. Their inspiring charms, 
 of which they are justly conscious, can lead 
 them to dream of no other subject : the bright 
 visions of matrimony glitter before their view ;
 
 AN OLD MAID. 29 
 
 and they issue forth from their toilette with a 
 vivacity and self-satisfaction that imparts addi- 
 tional lustre to their beauty. And is the old 
 maid to be denied her reflections on the same 
 universally alluring subject ? I fancy I perceive 
 a smile on the countenance of my readers — by 
 all means let them indulge in it : I am an amia- 
 ble, good-tempered creature, and am willing 
 that they should amuse themselves, though it 
 were even at my own expense. I will, then, 
 confess to them, that a spirit of romance cer- 
 tainly does pervade my morning''s reflections. I 
 will confess that a share of my reveries during 
 breakfast is dedicated to the soothing or tor- 
 turing subject, as it may happen, that engrosses 
 the solitary hours of " maids."" 
 
 If I were not naturally inclined towards a 
 little romance, I should almost be forced into 
 something like it, by the mementos which the 
 walls of my room present. There, over the 
 mantelpiece, hang no less than twenty minia- 
 ture portraits of various swains who have been 
 at one time my lovers — all in the old fashion, 
 all enamelled, and some frightful. Some few,
 
 30 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 indeed, amongst them are really handsome, and 
 others, if not handsome, at least decent-looking 
 enough. At the head of the whole set, stands 
 a coxcomb of a Colonel, in a red coat, with a 
 yellow collar ; his hair powdered, and with a 
 pigtail. The rest exhibit the features of various 
 noble and gentle gallants, who have, at different 
 times, acknowledged the power of beauty, in de- 
 spair at my feet. To some of these I vouchsafe 
 a sigh — at others I laugh — according as their 
 deserts and appearance may recommend them 
 to me. Neither the sigh nor the laugh, how- 
 ever, interfere with each other, which is no less 
 fortunate than agreeable. 
 
 I have often thought of setting down these 
 amatory musings on paper, and in genuine 
 romance style : perhaps I may still do so, and 
 enrol them in this work, but certainly not at 
 this stage of it. It cannot now be matter of 
 surprise, that with these compliments to my 
 early witchery still smiling on me — with these 
 monuments of my youthful fascination ever 
 looking me in the face, — I am romantically 
 inclined. They bring the hour of youth before
 
 AN OLD MAID, 31 
 
 me, and the sweet moments when my bosom 
 was first made acquainted with the cherished 
 emotions of love. Though I should disregard 
 the semblances of these my admirers, yet would 
 they still admonish me of the magic my charms 
 
 once possessed And do I not disregard 
 
 them, when my eye glances from their's upon 
 thine own semblance, my Albert ? And am I 
 not then taught that I once had beauty which 
 could inspire adoration ? My readers, then, 
 must surely make allowance for my being ro- 
 mantic. I wish they could but witness the 
 attitude in which these reveries are conducted : 
 they would not consider it in the light of bur- 
 lesque, I am certain. Oh, no ! — Conceive the 
 arm leaning on the table by my side, the head 
 reclining on the hand, the eyes tenderly up- 
 lifted ! 
 
 I have forgotten all this time to describe my 
 appearance in dishabille : to make my picture 
 complete, I must supply this. To say nothing 
 of the becomingness of the frill and furbelow* 
 
 * This is a mode of ladies on the Continent. It consists, of 
 course, of yalenciennes lace.
 
 32 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 of my robe de nuit, (I like to be becoming, how- 
 ever little I may have proceeded with dressing) 
 my dressing-gown is of India dimity, with a 
 border of fine cambric ; and when the weather 
 is at all cold I also throw a red Indian shawl 
 over my shoulders. My cap, with its wide 
 lace border, is also agreeably becoming. After 
 having drawn on a pair of pink silk stock- 
 ings, I slip my feet into my red morocco 
 slippers. Opposite me, at the other side of the 
 room, is a large looking-glass, which reflects 
 my whole form, shows me my elegant attitude, 
 and really satisfies me so much with myself, 
 that I have now and then had the weakness 
 to delay dressing, for the sake of bestowing 
 another glance or two upon its surface. 
 
 My chocolate being now sipped up, and my 
 reverie exhausted, I approach the dressing- 
 table, and after yawning interesting}}^ before 
 the looking-glass, I take off my night-cap ; 
 and after that, a small cap fitting more closely 
 to my head, which I call my '•' essence-cap." 
 My readers are no doubt curious to learn what 
 I mean by my essence-cap; I will tell them.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 33 
 
 Having still a fine head of hair, I am loth to 
 shave it all off, and have resort to borrowed 
 tresses, merely because Time has sprinkled its 
 dark hues with his envious snows ; thereby 
 rendering it what is called grizzled. So I re- 
 medy the inconvenience thus. I endeavour to 
 restore those dark hues in some measure to 
 their pristine beauty, by the application of a 
 certain black, or rather a purpleish wash or 
 fluid ; a sort that is pronounced by Eugenie, 
 as the most effectual for my purpose. * In 
 order, therefore, to avoid dyeing my pillow 
 when I go to bed, I am obliged to wear a 
 black-silk cap, fitting close to my head, some- 
 what on the model of the official " scull-cap" 
 that we see in old paintings. And this is what 
 I call my " essence-cap." 
 
 An opportunity will hereafter be afforded 
 me, of describing with more advantage the 
 effects of this essence upon my appearance. 
 At present I shall merely remark, in case 
 there are any who may smile at the expedient, 
 
 * Delcroix's ' poudre unique' was of course not yet intro- 
 duced.
 
 34 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 that I consider it my duty, and the duty of 
 us all, to render our appearance as becom- 
 ing as we can. Really, with my light figure, 
 juvenility of air and carriage, it would be a sad 
 pity to wear locks, not my own — to make an 
 old woman of myself. Envious persons may 
 suggest that I am an old woman already made : 
 let them carp as much as they will, I heed 
 them not, and continue my naive Confessions 
 with undisturbed composure. 
 
 It still is, and always has been a maxim 
 with me, that we ought to enjoy life and limb 
 as long as it is in our power : that we should 
 cheat old age of its decrepitude, if possible — 
 smooth away, if we can, its wrinkles, and 
 disguise its withered and frosty appearance. 
 Upon this principle, I employ other petty ar- 
 tifices, besides that of darkening my hair, to 
 give my appearance an eclat, and to make my 
 glass put me in mind of my younger days : 
 nor is the reward a slight one which I receive 
 for my pains in dressing ; I have not only the 
 pleasure of self -approval, but not unfrequently 
 overhear myself called by persons of taste, " la
 
 AN OLD MAID. 35 
 
 belle Mirahelle?'' A long bill which lies half 
 opened by my pincushion (it is from my per- 
 fumer) for a certain pleasantly smelling white 
 lotion, and perhaps other cosmetics, will speak 
 how much I do for the beautifying of my 
 complexion. The first of these aftbrds me con- 
 siderable assistance in the laudable object of 
 making my skin whiter and more brilliant 
 than it might otherwise be. And is it not a 
 laudable object to endeavour to please the 
 male portion of my acquaintance, while I gra- 
 tify my own innocent little vanities ? Not all 
 the rows of bottles that crowd the counters 
 of Gattie and Pierce, or Rigge, or Smytlie, 
 can, proportionally speaking, vie with the pha- 
 lanx of essences and myrrhs, scents, rouges, 
 pomatums, medicines, cordials, restoratives, 
 sedatives, that decorate my dressing-table. 
 There they stand, in pretty japanned trays, 
 ranged in all their varied hues of blue, yellow, 
 white, brown, red, green, violet, orange, — 
 round the looking-glass : there they stand, the 
 phials, — odoriferous with salt of lemons, aro- 
 matic vinegar, eau de Cologne, camphorated
 
 36 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 spirits, tincture of myrrh, orange-flower water, 
 Hungary water, rose water, elder-flower water, 
 cordial drops, sal-volatile, lotions without end, 
 drops for the face-ache, drops for the ear-ache, 
 drops for the tooth-ache, drops for the heart- 
 ache, — the heart-burn, I ought to say ; — 
 salts of all descriptions, various essences, me- 
 dicinal-lozenges of all shapes, sizes, and co- 
 lours, — black and blue, brown and yellow, 
 white and red. Some ladies, I know, prefer 
 keeping things of this sort in a closet out of 
 the way, or casing them up in a chest for the 
 purpose, but it is my pleasure to see all these 
 conundrums before me, doing duty under my 
 looking glass.* A lordly mirror is it! of the 
 old fashion, (of which I am fond, from recol- 
 lections of my childhood,) of an oval shape, 
 of portentous dimensions, and with a broad 
 carved and gilt frame : — it is my favourite 
 piece of furniture. The handles of the draw- 
 ers are of ivory, with gilt borderings, and its 
 top is surmounted by two Cupids — fit emblems 
 of the topic of my morning*s contemplations. 
 
 * Besides, tlie display suits my picture here. — C. M.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 37 
 
 As for the furniture of my room, it is plain, 
 pretty, and neat : the bed-curtains are blue out- 
 side, and lined with pink within. Pink is, on 
 the whole, my favourite colour. It is needless 
 to enter into a description of the rest of the 
 furniture : no one can ever be so inquisitive as 
 to require it ; it must be taken for granted 
 that it is in good taste ; how should it be 
 otherwise, when "la belle Mirabelle" had the 
 arrangement of it ? It will be sufficient to say, 
 it is in excellent keeping with that of the bed. 
 And now I must beg my friend, the reader, to 
 walk out of the room till I have completed dress- 
 ing ; he or she must be turned out together 
 with my little black and white spaniel, who 
 waits patiently, and sometimes impatiently, till 
 his mistress makes her appearance on the stair- 
 case. 
 
 So long does the operation of dressing take 
 me, that, commencing it late as I do, by the 
 time it is over the day is very far advanced. It 
 is, in fact, sometimes so late, that I come down 
 into the drawing-room ready dressed to go out ; 
 generally expecting Lady Kate to call for me.
 
 SS CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 ill order that we may go out for a drive together. 
 This she almost always does when the weather 
 permits. If she fails to come, I order my own 
 carriage, and call upon her. To-day, however, 
 I have no occasion to do so, as I perceive she is 
 now at the door : I shall proceed to wish her 
 good morning in the next chapter.
 
 AiS OLD MAID. 39 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 A MORNING CALL. 
 
 " Well, Clorinda,'*' said my friend, our 
 mutual salutations having been made, " how 
 are we to fill up the day ? We were talk- 
 ing last night of driving out to look at the 
 plants at Loddige*'s. (Lady Kate's conserva- 
 tory is supplied from his green-houses.) 
 
 " Oh ! do not let us go to Loddige's to-day, 
 Kate,'^ I replied ; " we must pay Mrs. Crone 
 the visit we owe her." 
 
 '' Very well, then, let us do so ; it will really 
 be a good thing over." 
 
 " Yes, I am always glad to have discharged 
 myself of the debt of any visit to her ; she is 
 such an extremely strange being, that one is 
 indeed not sorry to have absolved one's self of 
 any engagement due to her.*"
 
 40 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 The servant had no sooner closed the car- 
 riage-door, than we continued in the indulgence 
 of our satiric spirit, on the subject of Mrs. Crone. 
 " How did you like that yellow silk gown she 
 wore the other night at Mrs. S.''s ? was it not 
 
 frightful r 
 
 " Frightful ! I never saw such a figure ; 
 and with that stiff carriage of hers ! her neck 
 and back as upright as if she were standing in 
 the stocks, holding the backboard behind her." 
 
 " And then that curious-looking creature, her 
 husband, the Colonel ! Gracious ; what a pair !" 
 
 " With that sad awkward gait of his, and his 
 nose so awry, and flaming red-beard !"** rejoined 
 I, unable to restrain my amusement. 
 
 '' At any rate," said Lady Kate, " he is hand- 
 some enough for her : j/ou should not be severe 
 upon him, surely, if he was once an admirer of 
 yours," added she, smiling. 
 
 " It has always enraged me to think of the 
 assurance of the coxcomb. But I wonder how 
 they have agreed since their marriage; two 
 such oddly dispositioned beings." 
 
 Here the conversation was interrupted, the 
 
 i
 
 AN OLD MAID. 41 
 
 carriage having brought us to Mrs. Crone's 
 door. And it is requisite that I should state, 
 to the surprise, perhaps, of my readers, that 
 this Mrs. Crone was my cousin. I think I may 
 well be pardoned for the poor compliments I 
 have been paying, or may hereafter pay her, 
 since she ever regarded me with dislike ; being 
 jealous of qualities in me, which slie did not 
 herself possess, both mental and personal. So 
 few agreeable qualities, indeed, had she, of any 
 sort, that had it not been for her money, she 
 must inevitably have remained in the same 
 single condition as myself; with this difference, 
 that she would have been an old maid of the 
 most inveterate and ascetic description. The 
 person who at length wedded her, had been re- 
 jected by her above once ; as she used to flatter 
 herself with the hope of a more advanta- 
 geous offer. It was fortunate they at length 
 linked their destinies together, for neither the 
 lady nor the gentleman were fitted for any 
 other connexion than that which they made. 
 If it is true, as Lady Kate observed, that the 
 Colonel had once the impertinence to declare his
 
 42 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 admiration for me, the romance, which I con- 
 template, will disclose the whole circumstances, 
 and an opportunity will there be given of say- 
 ing somewhat more of my amiable cousin. 
 
 As we entered the drawing-room, Mrs. Crone 
 was primly seated on an ottoman of red damask. 
 She rose to receive us, with a most forbiddingly 
 stiff air, her arms folded one over the other. 
 With a voice as grating as her aspect was 
 harsh, did she greet us, while she went through 
 the form of pressing our fingers within her own, 
 of which she scarcely bent one single joint. 
 
 Mrs. Crone had ever been a vast prude ; the 
 cause of this must have been a spirit of envy, 
 which had made her carp at the attentions 
 shown to other fair ones, in preference to her- 
 self. Above all the rest of her female acquain- 
 tance, had her prudery found cause of offence 
 in me. She had ever looked upon my liveli- 
 ness as " most improper conduct," and still did 
 she seem impressed with that charitable idea. 
 I have forgotten to mention, that her hair was 
 — not the most red ; — her complexion, not the 
 most sallow ; — her eyes, not the very greenest,
 
 AN OLD MAID. 43 
 
 — and her nose — not the least broad. The 
 Colonel was out at the time we called. 
 
 Having seated ourselves. Lady Kate, after 
 some indifferent topics had passed, broke 
 through a silence that had succeeded, with an 
 interrogatory that disturbed my charming cou- 
 sin most cruelly, and made me smile. 
 
 " Do you propose visiting Epsom to see the 
 Races, Mrs. Crone V 
 
 " No, indeed. Lady Katharine," replied my 
 cousin in a hurried tone of surprise — (she 
 generally spoke very slowly and measuredly) — 
 " No, indeed, Lady Katharine, I shall not, I 
 assure you. I do not at all admire sitting in a 
 carriage, compelled, perhaps, to hear the exces- 
 sively indecorous conversation of grooms and 
 jockeys !'' 
 
 " Oh, I should never take any notice of that," 
 answered Lady Kate ; *' but I certainly find 
 great pleasure in looking at a race : I think it is 
 one of the most animating sights imaginable." 
 
 *^ Except that of a hunt," I observed, smi- 
 ling : " you remember my old love story about 
 " I suddenly checked myself, as I observed
 
 44 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 my cousin start, and bridle up her head in the 
 most ridiculous manner in the world, colouring 
 up to the eyes. Lady Kate could willingly 
 have given way to her risible inclinations : of 
 course, however, — and fortunately for me, as 
 well as for herself, she suppressed them. 
 
 We changed the subject of conversation to 
 that of the next party — of whatever kind it 
 might be — that had been announced ; this was 
 Lady Canterly's. I ventured to ask my cousin 
 if she was going to it. 
 
 " Yes," she replied, " I rather think I shall, 
 if nothing occurs " 
 
 Mrs. Crone had a way of beginning a sen- 
 tence without finishing it ; so that, generally 
 speaking, there was no understanding what 
 she meant to say. To make the matter worse, 
 she used to let her voice drop into a deep 
 growl, which almost drowned the sound of 
 the little that she did say. The sentence that 
 had been so abruptly broken off, was never 
 continued afterwards to its conclusion ; and 
 thus a conversation with her was less intelligi- 
 ble than the oracular responses of the Sibyl.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 45 
 
 It was in vain endeavouring to keep up any 
 conversation with a person so little inclined 
 to be communicative as my cousin ; so I ob- 
 served to Lady Kate that we had some visits 
 to pay ; in order that we might take our leave. 
 As we rose, something or other put it into my 
 head to be a little malicious; and I am sure 
 my impatience at Mrs. Crone's unamiable quali- 
 ties may well be pardoned. " I suppose," I 
 said, "if Colonel Crone does not happen to 
 be in town on the evening of Lady Canterly's 
 ball. Sir Roger Tag* will accompany you ?'''' 
 If I had any inclination to dissatisfy my cousin, 
 this short speech fully accomplished that re- 
 sult. Sir Roger Tag had at one time been an 
 admirer of her's; not quite so silly a person 
 as the Colonel, her husband, though just as 
 much of a figure in his appearance. Even 
 nowj she was supposed to like him better than 
 her lord : the insinuation, then, that Sir Roger 
 was to supply the place of the Colonel, when- 
 ever the opportunity might be offered him, was 
 
 * This eccentric and brief cognomen is applied purposedly 
 to the liero it designates. — Ed,
 
 46 ' CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 dreadful to her prudish feelings. The colour 
 rose ten times more profusely than before in 
 Mrs. Crone's face, and rendered her temples and 
 ears scarlet, as well as her cheeks. She re- 
 turned no answer, but glanced at us both the 
 most angry look of her prudishness. If we 
 were before willing to remove from her pre- 
 sence, we were doubly so now. So away we 
 went, leaving her to herself, to condemn us, 
 no doubt, as " pert, old, gossiping, indecorous, 
 creatures."" 
 
 There are few beings in human nature more 
 worthy of reprobation than a prude. Prudery, 
 that grossest of all hypocrisy, in what terms 
 strong enough can I deprecate it ! Dreadful 
 must be the constraint which it imposes on 
 those who encourage it ; for they are in no less 
 pain with respect to all they do themselves, 
 than with respect to the conduct of others. 
 They hardly dare move, breathe, or even turn 
 their eyes about. How ridiculous ! Their affec- 
 tation of superfine purity, relative to matters of 
 sentiment and love, is absurd, when we con- 
 sider a moment the mixed composition of hu-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 47 
 
 man nature ; and that in love, under the sanc- 
 tion of the most sacred alliance, entire purity 
 can never prevail. And if so, why then we may 
 surely go a step farther, and say that the en- 
 dowment itself of extreme purity would be 
 absurd, since useless, if this world is intended 
 to go on as it does : how much more then must 
 the affectation of it be ridiculous ! But this 
 affectation has also the additional mischief of 
 being wicked ; because, as it is not a real but a 
 fictitious feeling, it adds the sin of falsehood to 
 that of folly. Surely we may ask, in opposition 
 to prudishness, is not a little innocent liveliness 
 and love of entertainment pardonable, while 
 modesty, honour, and chastity are inviolate ? 
 Common sense and the simplest reasoning tells 
 us this; but if we require a higher authority, 
 we find it in the doctrines — those purest doc- 
 trines of Christianity itself. And no charge 
 can be greater against prudery than that it is 
 repugnant in every point of view to the spirit 
 of Christianity. For example, prudery is guilty 
 of falsehood, because it pretends to see mis- 
 chief in whatever it regards, where there really
 
 48 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 exists none to be seen — because it mao^nifies 
 the most innocent thoughts, words, and deeds, 
 into enormities. It is doubly false, because it 
 not only says it sees what it does not see ; but 
 farther 'pretends to be hurt at what it knows 
 does not really exist. Prudery is cruel, be- 
 cause it blights honest reputation with scandal, 
 for which there is no ground. Prudery is en- 
 vious, because it would mar innocent amuse- 
 ment, and even the most amiable and sociable 
 pleasures. Prudery is the worst of hypocrites, 
 because it would crush the feelings of human 
 nature in others, which it must entertain itself. 
 It is wicked in all these respects ; it is also use- 
 less, besides being thus wicked and absurd : ab- 
 surd is it, again, because those who have any 
 pretensions to sense, laugh at it : it is useless, 
 because all censure is negative the moment we 
 feel that it is suggested by prudery. Truth is 
 alone the foundation upon which authority in 
 all things must exist: therefore we mock at 
 prudery as a falsehood ; and how then can we 
 not despise it while we laugh ? We do despise 
 it — its folly and invalidity make it so contempt- 
 ible, that we forget to be angry at its wickedness.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 49 
 
 The world has one source of revenge against 
 it, and that will ever be found to exist in itself. 
 It is as great a punishment to itself, as it would 
 wish to he to others. The fretfulness of its 
 envy preys the deepest on its own peace. In 
 straining to set a pattern to the rest of the 
 world, it is never at ease itself; it can lie but 
 on a bed of thorns ; it can move but as a beast 
 constrained within its cage of iron. Oh, my 
 amiable cousin, I envy thee not, nor any like 
 thee ! 
 
 When we were seated in the carriage again, 
 Lady Kate relieved herself, by giving way more 
 fully to that merriment which she had hitherto 
 somewhat painfully repressed. " How could 
 you," said she, " shock your cousin so ^ I was 
 quite in pain." 
 
 " Because I was so much provoked at her 
 absurdity, and want of amiability as well ; be- 
 sides, I always feel under the influence of pique 
 whenever I come into her presence." 
 
 '• But you should suppress that feeling. — 
 Sir Roger Tag ! how could you mention his 
 name !" 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 50 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 We both amused ourselves for some little 
 time ; not less at the idea of the absurdity of 
 my cousin, than at the recollection of her 
 strange husband, and his former rival. Sir 
 Roger : they were three such curious beings, 
 that we had ample cause for our entertainment. 
 I hope that we do not appear much given to 
 scandal ; merely a little. Kate and I amused 
 ourselves as much on the present occasion, as 
 we had the other day been entertained at the 
 expense of my brother. No new fashions, no 
 new publications, no parties, no operas, — afford 
 me such an agreeable subject of discussion as 
 an odd or unamiable character. Male or female, 
 Kate and I deal with the poor creature so un- 
 ceremoniously when we are together, that it is 
 disfigured to a degree so ridiculous, that the 
 caricature could net possibly be more complete. 
 Sometimes that malicious jade, Kate, turns 
 the shaft of her satire upon me and my ro- 
 mantic fancies. If so, I banter her in my 
 turn, by telhng her that if she rallies me, 
 she must indirectly laugh at herself too, since 
 we are only known in each other's company.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 51 
 
 Still she has the wider theme for her banter 
 
 3 
 
 since I have had such a host of admirers in my 
 time ; while she can scarcely mention one who 
 has avowed himself as such. That she has had 
 admirers cannot be* doubted, since both her 
 means and her appearance, (which shall in due 
 time be pourtrayed,) justly entitled her to as 
 many as myself ; but the fact is, she was ever 
 dreaded by the men on account of her satire, 
 besides having been always considered ** a pri- 
 vileged person."" This accounts for her never 
 having received many declarations of love. 
 AVhat is more, even if she had heard confes- 
 sions of love for herself, yet she has not the 
 heart, not the capability of receiving impres- 
 sions, that I have. She always has mocked at 
 the idea of love : now, I did encourage one pas- 
 sion, which still glows in my bosom, although 
 I have ever rejected all the attempts of my nu- 
 merous admirers to awaken in me a second. 
 But the most cruel facetiousness of wliich my 
 friend is guilty, is actually doubting the con- 
 stancy of my early lover — my Albert ! This 
 is too much — this affects me sensibly, and if by 
 
 D 2 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILUN0«
 
 5^ CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 her conduct a tear is elicited what does 
 
 she do ? — why she ralhes me the more. Cruel, 
 yet beloved Kate, how canst thou sport with 
 the feelings of thy bosom friend, — thy own Clo- 
 rinda ? How canst thou breathe the suspicion 
 that whispers of inconstancy or forgetfulness in 
 her Albert ? It is but a few short years past, 
 
 since he murmured his vows But there 
 
 is something in the satue of my friend that is 
 always kind and well-meant. She sometimes 
 tells me of little things which the unsparing 
 world may treat as ridiculous, though the con- 
 sciousness of their being so has entirely es- 
 caped myself; and though I confess I feel a 
 little galled sometimes at these hints, yet I am 
 wilHng to acknowledge them of service. I only 
 wish she could break herself of that giddy ha- 
 bit she has, of now and then indulging in mirth, 
 — nay, even in laughter, — when I have not the 
 least suspicion what she means. Her whims, 
 though for the most part they coincide with my 
 own, are sometimes of a different nature. She 
 frequently takes fancies into her head, the oddest 
 and most eccentric in the world. And as I use
 
 AN OLD MAID. 53 
 
 the same freedom in criticising her, with which 
 she treats me, our meetings are now and then 
 but one continued exercise of good-humoured, 
 reciprocal bantering. We can afford to in- 
 dulge in this, without any apprehension of its 
 weakening our love for one another. Time has 
 cemented our affections too closely to admit of 
 their ever being riven asunder: our very 
 frailties are viewed with affection by each other. 
 We have indeed mutual cause for congratula- 
 tion, that in a vvorld of hypocrisy, insincerity, 
 — of mere professions — and for the most part 
 of nominal, not real friendship, we possess for 
 each other a sympathy of feeling and a conge- 
 niality of spirit, from which has sprung a sin- 
 cere attachment — constant through joy and 
 through grief, and which death alone can dis- 
 solve : — a friendship, which reflects credit and 
 respectability on us, in the eyes of the world, 
 amidst whatever ridicule it may indulge in, at 
 our expense.
 
 54 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 A children's ball at lady canterly's. 
 
 The engagement for the present evening 
 was Lady Canterly's ball. As I am always im- 
 patient to be in a cheerful scene of this sort, 
 I shall suppose that our carriage has already 
 set us down at her Ladyship's door. My heart 
 leaped at the sound of the violins, harp, and 
 flute, which pronounced that the dancing was in 
 full operation upstairs. The ball was nomi- 
 nally a children's ball, but there were ' sets' of 
 older dancers as well ; and as large an assem- 
 blage of grown-up children as of those of more 
 tender years. I have been rather desirous of 
 exhibiting myself at an entertainment of this 
 sort, in order to set in a stronger light mv 
 juvenile propensities. There are also reasons 
 of a more serious nature for my presence in
 
 AK OLD MAID. 55 
 
 this scene, as may be perceived by and by. 
 Above all things does it delight me to see a 
 children's dance : it is a great pleasure to me 
 to witness in their countenances, the happi- 
 ness that throbs in their hearts ; while in some 
 of the elder ones, I trace the first indications of 
 that tender feeling which brings me back with 
 a sigh to Albert and sweet fifteen. " I won- 
 der," I said to Lady Kate, as we were taking 
 off our cloaks, in the room for that purpose at 
 the bottom of the stairs, " if Colonel Crone and 
 his lady are here to-night ?" 
 
 " Yes, they are, Ma'am ; they have just 
 been announced,'' said the woman that helped 
 me off with my cloak. 
 
 On expressing a hope that Sir Roger Tag 
 was with them, the woman said she had heard 
 the name announced ; and I could not help feel- 
 ing satisfaction when I thought of the carica- 
 ture that they would afford to Lady Kate and 
 myself, for a week to come and more. 
 
 We had arrived late, and after most of our 
 acquaintance. As for Lady Canterly, she was 
 so barricadoed by the throng of persons about
 
 56 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 her, that though she was as near the door as 
 she was able to station herself, and was aware 
 of our announcement, any recognition between 
 us was just at present impracticable. 
 
 To mention a few of the persons that met 
 ^y eye? there were Lord and Lady Flashing- 
 don, the Countess of Hautegrace and Lady 
 Strutingly ; Colonel Rigadoon (of the Guards) 
 and Lord Robert Battlebone ; the Ladies Mar- 
 mozet and Mrs. Lofty ; the Honourable George 
 Curmudgeon and Captain Dandy prat, Lady 
 Charlotte Rossignol, (whose concert was ho- 
 noured by my friend, Kate, that day week 
 past,) Lord and Lady Frippington, and the 
 Misses Quizzett, and their brother, Arthur 
 Quizzett, (the whole family great friends of 
 mine). Then there were Lord Frederick Lath- 
 and-plaster and Sir John Longshanks ; Eveline, 
 Marchioness De Route, ' the Duke Noodled urn," 
 the Honourable Dr. Sanconiathon Craft, and 
 Lord Ronald Shamblegait ; Sir Harry Stake- 
 feld, and Lady Georgina Squawlaby ; Mrs. 
 Rumfustian, and the Misses Rumfustian; Sir 
 Marmaduke Huntgage, Mrs. Rigmarole, Mr.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 57 
 
 Gild y purse, (about to be made a baronet,) 
 and George William Godfrey Alexander Regi- 
 nald Parasite, (about to be made a peer). The 
 Honourable Miss Growlibell, Lord Rabblefawn, 
 Lady Flighty, and the Misses Flighty ; the 
 Honourable Arthur Turfman, Lady Barbara 
 Scarecrowe, Sir Jacob Consols, and his black- 
 eyed lady leaning on the arm of Captain Squan- 
 der, Sir Jeffrey Simperby, Lord Alfred Gam- 
 bleford, Mrs. Minxmazard ; that frivolous old 
 dame, the Honourable Mrs. Whistjoy, Sir 
 Alexander and Lady Finnikin, and the whole 
 string of the Misses Finnikin. 
 
 Now, I am not, generally speaking, fond of 
 emblematic names ; but as none of the persons in 
 the above catalogue are without their peculiar- 
 ity, 1 adopt this mode of " emblematic christ- 
 ening" — if I may so express myself — in order to 
 exhibit as concisely as possible the materials of 
 which an assembly of this sort is, for the most 
 part, made up.* 
 
 * Miss Mirabelle is doing no more than following the ex_ 
 ample of the dramatis personce of almost every comedy, an- 
 cient or modern, that can be named ; to say nothing of tht 
 common practice of all languages. — Ep. 
 
 D 5
 
 58 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Many others of my acquaintance were there 
 besides, whom I did not see at that moment : 
 some of them may perhaps be incidentally men- 
 tioned, before the evening at Lady Canterly'^s is 
 over. Many of them might be brought under 
 my criticism, and at one time or another have, 
 I dare say, afforded theme for a,musement to 
 Lady Kate and myself, but nothing compa- 
 rable were any of them, on the score of pecu- 
 liarity, to a certain curious trio, for which I 
 had been searching, and on which my eye 
 had just now glanced. Yes, there it was, and 
 there was its constellation, my cousin, between 
 the Colonel her husband, and Sir Roger Tag, 
 in the same yellow silk dress upon which we 
 had been so severe the other day. The Colonel 
 looked more than usually ugly that evening, 
 and Sir Roger, as he always does, like a Hin- 
 doo-pedlar. The contrast between the two 
 was striking ; the first being tall and raw- 
 boned, with light complexion and sandy hair, 
 pointed features, and long nose ; while the 
 little Baronet is short and broad, has a re- 
 markably thick neck, and monstrous double
 
 AN OLD MAID. 59 
 
 chin. I almost fancy sometimes that he is 
 attempting to suffocate himself: for I really 
 think he must do so one of these days, since 
 by hunching up his shoulders above his ears, 
 he so squeezes down his throat and chin, that 
 his powers of respiration must be grievously 
 affected. The effect of this curious carriage of 
 his is to render his appearance in the face bloat- 
 ed and red ; but the red is not a bright red, but 
 a dingy and muddled flush, as may be sup- 
 posed, since his complexion is as brown as 
 mahogany, and covered with freckles. 
 
 With these two gallants in her wake, or ra- 
 ther by her side, did my cousin, Mrs. Crone, 
 show herself abroad. She thought it " proper 
 to go to parties with a gentleman on each side 
 of her. One was scarcely sufficient in an assem- 
 bly." — " An assembly," indeed, had she round 
 her, wherever she went, especially when ac- 
 companied by two such rarities as her mate and 
 Sir Roofer. These beaux could not be accused 
 of not making the most of themselves : the 
 Uttle fat man waddled, and strode forward in 
 such a manner, that one would have fancied
 
 60 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 he thought himself another Colossus of Rhodes ; 
 he moved, too, with a sort of jerk at the 
 knee, when he put his foot to the ground. 
 As for the Colonel, he thrust his long neck 
 forward like a crane, and took such long 
 strides, that his lady, and poor little Sir Roger, 
 were obliged to wriggle, and shuffle, and change 
 step eternally, to keep up with him. The 
 Colonel was not at all concerned at the in- 
 convenience he was occasioning them, but the 
 little fat baronet must have been very much so, 
 although he pretended not to be, but stretch- 
 ed out his legs as far as he could, as if to 
 outstride his antagonist. 
 
 As Lady Kate and myself passed by this inte- 
 resting trio, my cousin screwed her mouth and 
 chin most prudishly on one side, and scarcely 
 vouchsafed a syllable when I spoke to her. The 
 Colonel, her husband, just said, " How d' ye 
 do?" to Lady Kate, but took his eyes from 
 me, and poked out his great crane neck to 
 the other side. The rude creature ! because I 
 had once rejected his impertinent suit ! Sir 
 Roger was more communicative; he made a
 
 AN OLD MAID. 61 
 
 most ceremonious and consequential bow, after 
 his fashion, and in a thick choked voice, 
 ** Hoped he had the pleas/zor of seeing I^ady 
 Katharine Ratlington and Miss Cloreenda 
 Mirabelle well !" 
 
 We at length came up to Lady Canterly, 
 of whom little more is to be said, than that she 
 was rich and a widow ; was fond of vain osten- 
 tation, very silly, but good-natured; not too 
 old to tempt persons to marriage, but not 
 likely to enter upon such a step, as she was 
 at present happy in the independence of widow- 
 hood. Her late husband having been of a bad 
 temper, she had never been taught to cherish 
 any very favourable notions of matrimonial 
 bliss, and therefore, the chances are against her 
 changing her present condition. On the occa- 
 sion of her balls, she used to give extravagant 
 entertainments, the style of which bore ample 
 testimony to her love of idle ostentation. Va- 
 rious hangers on had she, amongst a number 
 of young men of fashion, who flattered her 
 vanity, at the same time, no doubt, that 
 they laughed at it. Amongst these, she had
 
 62 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 a favourite in a certain Lord Alfred Gamble- 
 ford, a handsome youth, who had lost all his 
 money at play, and was some few thousands in 
 debt, but of course not the less extravagant 
 on that account. Report whispered that the 
 charge of Lord Alfred's new cabriolet was 
 disbursed in quarters from which he was not 
 then very far distant, — and various similar in- 
 sinuations; but I never give credit to idle 
 reports. That he was certainly very often at 
 Lady Canterly's none can deny — 1 say nothing 
 farther. Some young men in his situation 
 behave with that proper tact, that they never 
 throw out any thing v/hich can be construed into 
 confirmation of suspicions of the nature I haye 
 mentioned.* I doubt whether Lord Alfred 
 possessed this .... It was no other than himself, 
 that, together with Sir Jeffrey Simperby, now 
 walked up to Lady Kate and myself, and ac- 
 costed us. 
 
 I saw that my prudish cousin was quite 
 shocked when she observed that we were talk- 
 ing with these two dissipated youths : whether 
 • More especially in Paris.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 63 
 
 it was from this cause or not, I cannot exactly 
 answer, but she certainly retreated into a little 
 room, where two old toothless noblemen, and 
 as many old ladies in the same predicament, 
 were mumping at each other across a card- 
 table : that is to say, were " quietly enjoying a 
 rubber at whist." Not a little was I amused 
 at the silly scrupulosity of my cousin. 
 
 Sir Roger Tag, though a consequential little 
 person, did not encourage her in her folly, as 
 the Colonel, her husband, did ; for when they 
 walked off towards the card- room, the baronet 
 quitted her side to mingle again in the gaieties. 
 What was my surprise to observe that he was 
 making his way towards me ! 
 
 ** Who is this little monster ?" said Sir Jef- 
 frey to me, in a squeaking simpering tone. 
 
 " Sir Roger Tag, to be sure," answered Lord 
 Alfred, '* renowned for his gallantry, is he 
 not. Miss Mirabelle ? See, he is coming up to 
 you. How amusingly he struts and jerks along.'" 
 
 " Quite amusing, indeed !" said the goose, 
 Simperby. Sir Roger, (who was, I fancy, 
 a little smitten with me,) knowing that I some-
 
 64 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 times dance, had now come up to me, and with 
 a profound bow informed me, " that he had 
 left Mrs. Crone with the Colonel, ohsorving the 
 cord-plai/ers, to solicit the honour of dancing 
 with me in the next quadrille, if I felt disposed 
 so to do." 
 
 Now I do, generally, feel disposed to stand up 
 when I am asked, and would have had no ob- 
 jection to have done so had Lord Alfred asked 
 me, or any one but Sir Roger Tag; but I 
 could not possibly think of exposing myself so 
 much, as to dance with such a caricature as 
 himself, and therefore, with all imaginable good 
 humour, I declined the honour. Lady Kate 
 looked so satiric, and the two gallants by my 
 side seemed so inclined to smile, that I was 
 much too afraid to stand up. Kate rallies me 
 for dancing, but I do not see what occasion she 
 has to do so. I am not too old to have the use 
 of my limbs, why then should I resign it be- 
 fore my time ?^ For my part, I make a point 
 
 * The sagacious reader will know how to apply this remark 
 to other ladies in my situation besides myself; especially such 
 gentlemen, in particular, as have had the honour of dancing
 
 AN OLD MAID. 65 
 
 of Standing up whenever any one asks me who 
 is not a perfect fright, like Sir Roger ; for I 
 confess I am a little punctilious as to my part- 
 ners. If he had but been three or four inches 
 taller, I should not have hesitated taking his 
 arm ; as it was, he had made his journey for 
 nothing, poor man ! and strutted back to his 
 party in the *' cord-room," much discomfited 
 at my refusal. I had, in the course of the even- 
 ing, two or three offers to dance, but was pre- 
 vented from accepting them, as I had refused 
 that of Sir Roofer : and this contributed rather to 
 damp my enjoyment of the evening's gaieties. 
 I am of so sprightly a disposition that I can 
 scarcely listen to the air of a quadrille, without 
 longing to be moving to it ; and while I see 
 the smiling couples figuring to the music, it 
 grieves me, not to be mingling with them. This, 
 my dancing propensity, is well known, and 
 therefore I never want a beau, and scarcely 
 ever miss dancing when I am at a ball. Kate 
 
 a quadrille with a certain honourable maiden in my neigh- 
 bourhood. CM.
 
 66 CO^JFESSIONS OF 
 
 does not dance, but is satisfied with looking on, 
 at me. Why did not Lord Alfred engage me be- 
 fore that little fright Sir Roger forced me to re- 
 ject hira ? It was very ungallant of him indeed, 
 I must say ! I was, therefore, obliged to con- 
 tent myself with standing by one of the sets and 
 looking on, and commenting with Kate and the 
 two beaux by our side. Two or three dis- 
 tinguished looking girls, who were not yet 
 * out/ attracted our attention for some time ; 
 but the prettiest dancers in the room by far, 
 were a little group of children, not much more 
 than eight or nine years old, whose Lillipu- 
 tian graces quite enchanted me. The little 
 creatures seemed to enjoy the music so, and de- 
 light so much in displaying their steps and 
 various graces, that it made me quite happy 
 to look at them. Well ! I may be thought 
 childish, but I enjoy a quadrille and its mu- 
 sic, as much as any of these little things did ; 
 and though disappointed to-night in partici- 
 pating in my favourite recreation, I look for- 
 ward to enjoying it on some future occasion. 
 The quadrille at which we had been look-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 67 
 
 ing, being at an end, Kate and myself sat 
 down to rest ourselves, and make our obser- 
 vations on the people in the room, out of the 
 immediate way of the crowd, glad to escape 
 the inconvenience it occasions. We were soon 
 enabled to enter upon a quiet tete-d-tete, un- 
 disturbed. I shall make no excuse for the 
 freedom with which we criticised people ; not 
 even that we are privileged persons. Lord 
 Alfred and Sir Jeffrey went to talk to Lady 
 Canterly.
 
 68 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 SOMETHING RATHER SEVERE. PROMISES OF 
 
 OLD MAIDS. 
 
 " Lord Alfred is sadly affected," I said, 
 as soon as we had seated ourselves, ''though 
 not half so silly as Sir Jeffrey. I declare Sir 
 Roger Tag is far their superior in intellect." 
 
 "Yes, and heart too," replied Lady Kate, 
 (I am inclined to suspect that he was rather a 
 favourite of hers,) " he is a good little person 
 in spite of his being such an oddity." 
 
 " Far better than Colonel Crone, certainly," 
 I rejoined ; " he does not come in comparison 
 with such a ninny as Crone." 
 
 K, " Sir Roger has qualities that entitle him 
 to respect and esteem too. I really like the 
 man, since I understand he has much good- 
 ness of heart."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 69 
 
 " That is a great thing in this world. I 
 think, on looking round us in this assembly, we 
 shall find a very scanty portion of it ?" 
 
 X. "As little of it as we shall find of sound- 
 ness of head : as little real virtue as sense." 
 
 " Do not let us judge too hastily. But see ; 
 there is a most unhappy specimen of society to 
 begin with, to be sure !*" 
 
 K. " The bloated Mr. T , who is va- 
 lued only according to the number of dinners 
 he gives ; he is talking to a person who seems 
 to have a great contempt for him.'"' 
 
 ^' Yes ! that proud, ambitious, disappointed, 
 mean, personage. Lord Lumber, — with whom, 
 is his lady.'' 
 
 K. " What a proud, disagreeable set they 
 are !'' 
 
 " Yes, and so unsociable, that one might 
 safely say that the limit of their acquaintance is 
 exclusively confined to their own family cir- 
 cle." 
 
 K. " They say his lordship, haughty as he 
 is, is, notwithstanding, very shabby. 
 
 " I do not know the truth of such imputa- 
 tion, he is surely much too wealthy to be so." 
 
 V
 
 70 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 K. '' He is needy, in spite of his posses- 
 
 sions." 
 
 " Then the rich, yet needy man, is unlike 
 the poor man, as to the possession of honest 
 pride and disinterestedness of spirit."'"' 
 
 K. " So it should seem ; in this instance at 
 least." 
 
 " There is that wicked young rake who is 
 just going to be married, — Lord Railingdale."" 
 
 K. '* Yes, but not to be reformed, I fancy. 
 To whom is he to be married ?''* 
 
 " To the low-bred, flaunting daughter of Sir 
 Jacob Consols : her money is his object."" 
 
 K. " He comes of an exemplary race, truly ! 
 A thorough personification of profligacy ; 
 and inherits the family infirmity to its full 
 extent."" 
 
 " He is talking to a person who is worthy of 
 his friendship and acquaintance." 
 
 K. " One of that wild Phoenician^ breed — 
 every member of which, they say, is cracked." 
 
 " There is a curious story about their all 
 
 * Irish, qu.? — Ed.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 71 
 
 having lost their shadows. But do you see 
 Mrs. Rigmarole prating away in her absurd 
 mincing sort of voice, as usual T' 
 
 K. " She always amuses me, — that woman — 
 with her trumpery conceit. She will even set 
 about showing a person how much better she 
 could tie a bow than any one else, or any such 
 silly matter." 
 
 •■' But the worst of it is, she is such an ever- 
 lasting prater." 
 
 K. *' Why, she is obliged to prate a good 
 deal, to explain the subtilties of which she is so 
 proud.'* 
 
 " To be sure ! when a person utters a very 
 silly proposition, it takes some time to explain 
 away the absurdity." 
 
 K. " She is, certainly, very silly. Did you 
 ever observe the number of epithets which she 
 lavishes on a thing ?''* 
 
 " Oh, yes ! If she speaks, for instance, of a 
 tall man, she wdll describe him as ' a great un- 
 gainly, scraggy, hideous, abominable, lanky, 
 raw-boned, Harry-long-legged creature ; look- 
 ing just as if he were walking on a great, un-
 
 72 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 gainly, hideous, abominable, Harry-long-legged 
 pair of stilts !' " 
 
 K. " That is her way exactly ; it is the most 
 tiring thing in the world to listen to her, — wast- 
 ing epithets on a shoe-string, or explaining 
 what she says by grimace and gesticulation." 
 
 " What a very stupid, bantering person her 
 brother is f 
 
 K. " Yes, he mistakes bantering for wit, and 
 is even a punster into the bargain." 
 
 " Dreadful ! It is miserable to see the at- 
 tempts at wit and humour made by men who 
 have not a grain of either in their composition. 
 But see how happy Lord Hornfread looks, 
 since he lost his lady." 
 
 K, *' Yes, as much so as Lady Canterly at 
 the loss of her lord. He used to have the most 
 unhappy care-worn look in the world. He feels 
 himself now an independent person.'^ 
 
 *' I do not wonder at his not having led the 
 most agreeable life with Lady Hornfread ; for 
 really, the extremely undisguised manner in 
 which she used to encourage the attentions of 
 certain followers. . . ."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 73 
 
 K. " And her excessive frivolity. . . ."" 
 
 " And idle extravagance, too. . . . How many 
 children had Ladj/ Hornfread ?"" 
 
 K. " Three. You did well to say Ladt/ 
 Hornfread — for I believe his Lordship is, ac- 
 cording to report, spared certain claims as to 
 their parentage. The eldest is wonderfully like 
 young Augustus Rotherhide." 
 
 " And the two youngest not unlike Lord 
 Henry Swivleton. But who is that disagreeable, 
 harsh, sour-visaged, young man ?" 
 
 K. " It is Avaro Stintly, the most sordid 
 person in the world ; yes, mean in every thing — 
 you know the story of his illnature towards his 
 brothers ?''"' 
 
 " No/' 
 
 K. " Why, he left home for a short time, and 
 in order that they should not make use of a 
 hunter of his, in his absence, he took the shoes 
 off and otherwise disabled the creature,"" 
 
 " Ridiculous as well as mean. Such traits 
 as these are odious in the young : want of gene- 
 rosity in a young man is execrable — worse than 
 
 VOL. I. E
 
 74 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 even the profligacy of Lords Railingdale and 
 Gambleford." 
 
 K. " Well ! Avaro Stintly, notwithstanding 
 his possessions, universally practises meanness/* 
 
 " Not far from him, stands Flameden the 
 politician and orator — he has not an over-en- 
 gaging countenance." 
 
 K. " No ; but unpleasing as he is in manner, 
 and unattractive in visage, yet he is far more 
 agreeable, as well as amiable, than his wife." 
 
 '* I agree with you : she is all hypocrisy and 
 dissimulation. She wears a smiling countenance 
 as a mask for much spitefulness of heart." 
 
 K. " Ay, but her failing will betray itself, in 
 spite of herself." 
 
 " Yes, she is unable to resist saying a snap- 
 pish, ill-tempered, unkind thing, whenever an 
 opportunity offers." 
 
 K. " Bad as her husband is, I think that if 
 he had known her temper before he married 
 her, he never would have taken such a step." 
 
 " I remember her as a girl, and I always 
 looked upon her as affording an admirable pro-
 
 AN OLD MATD. 75 
 
 mise of an old maid ; she was all spite and 
 captiousness then, and is so now. 
 
 K, " Charming pattern for her children, in- 
 deed r 
 
 " She is really mean-spirited." 
 
 K. " A bad-hearted woman, who, because 
 zhe is well off herself, considers that those who 
 are not so, deserve not to be so, whether they 
 can help their condition or not." 
 
 " Ridiculous ! It is notorious that the most 
 deserving people are frequently the worst off: 
 but she is eminent for her stupid, bigoted 
 sophistry." 
 
 K. '' Eminently foolish that is: the reasons she 
 gives for her sentiments and assertions are the 
 most ridiculous that can be conceived." 
 
 " Look at that huffy young person, with 
 one shoulder higher than the other." 
 
 K. " Oh, that is Miss Sourcroute, the girl who 
 is remarkable for her contemptuous toss of the 
 head and pettish elevation of the shoulder." 
 
 " What an obstinate little thing she is ! How 
 old is the girl ?" 
 
 E 2
 
 76 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 K. ^^ She cannot be much more than nineteen."" 
 " So much as that ! Oh, then with such a 
 manner, air, and temper as her's, she can never 
 expect to be married." 
 
 K. " We may safely set her down as afford- 
 ing a certain promise of forming one of the 
 future catalogue of old maids." 
 
 " Do you see her cousin there ? — she is 
 nearly as bad as herself." 
 
 K, " Pray what is her amiable failing.?" 
 " A habit of misconstruction and universal 
 misrepresentation." 
 
 K. " Why, that is to say, she has an inve- 
 terate spirit of falsehood." 
 
 " Oh, that is too harsh a term !" 
 K. " Nay, it is the true one — that girl is 
 about tlie same age as her cousin, Sourcroute." 
 " Their fortunes bid fair to be similar to 
 each other, with respect to single blessedness." 
 K. " Do not talk of blessedness^ rather say 
 cursedness. For such vile tempers as they both 
 possess, cannot be otherwise than a curse, not 
 only to themselves respectively, but to all 
 around them."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 77 
 
 " Observe that strange-looking girl with a 
 rueful countenance, ruddy complexion, long 
 nose, and grey eyes !"" 
 
 K, " That is Miss Azurette, the ' blue' 
 damsel, who leaves the society she may chance 
 to be in ' to retire to her chamber and peruse 
 a few pages of Homer or Sallust/ ''"' 
 
 " Dehghtful companion ! Who would marry 
 her, I should like to know ?" 
 
 K. ^' Nobody : she is an old maid already." 
 
 " She is a person who has no spark of na- 
 tural talent in the world, who is indebted for 
 her ' wit ' to quotations from the newspaper, nor 
 has any notion of giving an opinion of her own 
 w^orth attending to." 
 
 K. " Not an idea but such as she has gleaned 
 from books." 
 
 " So unhke the generality of her sex, who 
 are accused of being rather too inventive, ma- 
 noeuvring, imaginative; and endowed with so 
 much nicety of perception." 
 
 K. " Which always affords them a source 
 of loquacity, in laying open what they sus- 
 pect they have discovered amiss in others, and
 
 78 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 even what they feel ought to be suppressed," 
 continued Lady Kate. 
 
 " Well, Miss Azurette may possibly be corn- 
 passioned up by some pedantic old college pro- 
 vost, who quotes Virgil and the Latin Gram- 
 mar.'" 
 
 K. " That would indeed be an appropriate 
 alliance for her. She should really advertise for 
 such a thing, if it does not happen to offer 
 itself." 
 
 " There is a girl whose chance of * going 
 off' I should think very doubtful."*' 
 
 JT. " What, Miss Cropmere ? It is of her 
 you are speaking ?" 
 
 '' Yes ; the precise-mannered gir], who utters 
 sentences as if they were axioms that could not 
 be controverted." 
 
 K. " She is rather pretty, too." 
 
 " Pretty well. I should think it a great 
 chance if she ever ^ went off." But what think 
 you then of the chance of her friend sitting 
 near her .?" 
 
 K. " What, of Miss Roistling ? Oh ! that
 
 AN OLD MAID. 79 
 
 she has no chance at all. She is the most for- 
 ward, — I was going to say even impudent, — girl 
 that I know : her ideas, and manners, and look, 
 and every thing about her, have the indelible 
 stamp of assurance.*" 
 
 " She has certainly little female softness or 
 delicacy of manner about her." 
 
 K. " She fancies that assured address of hers 
 to be just so much grace and ease." 
 
 " She is rather mistaken then, as she will 
 find in time. We must set down both Miss 
 Cropmere and Miss Roistling as certain pro- 
 mises of old maids. But, my dear Kate, do tell 
 me what those extremely indecorous waxen- 
 lookino" f]<T:ures are called." 
 
 K. " Those are the Misses Rapeseld ; they 
 are certainly fit objects of surprise, as well as 
 exception, — both as to their gait, look, manner, 
 dress, air, and every thing." 
 
 " I am confident that, although their feat- 
 ures are rather handsome, yet not one of them 
 will ever be married." 
 
 K. " Why, my dear ?"
 
 80 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " Because I am inclined to think that no 
 person who ever married one of them, could 
 expect much fideUty from his partner." 
 
 K. " How do you know that ? It is uncha- 
 ritable to judge by external appearance." 
 
 " It may be so; but by what else is the 
 world to judge ?" 
 
 K. " You are right. People should be cau- 
 tious about their appearance — especially girls. 
 I think we may set them down as sure. All old 
 maids, every one of them !'' 
 
 " Standing near them is that girl, with a 
 disagreeable square grin on her face — Miss Mo- 
 lochan, a little demon incarnate, as I am in- 
 formed. She is possessed with the most per- 
 tinacious love of saying unkind things, and 
 cherishing a spirit of provocation, ever known." 
 
 K. " She is rather pretty, too." 
 
 " No, no ! Look what a bad expression of 
 countenance she has." 
 
 K. " She is a girl of the worst heart I know: 
 there is not one of her relatives, some almost 
 her nearest, that she does not cordially dislike 
 and traduce."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 81 
 
 ** How wicked ! Well, if she ever marries, 
 her husband will have a prize indeed." 
 
 K. "But marry she never will : for her bad 
 spirit is too generally known. How should it not 
 be, she who sets herself up to be spiteful and 
 malignant towards every body ?" 
 
 " Rightly, then, will she be left to repent her 
 own badness of heart, disliked and condemned 
 by all who are acquainted with her character !" 
 
 K. " Do you see that wretched, pale, shri- 
 velled damsel sitting next her ?" 
 
 " What Miss Haggart ? She has worn out 
 her health and strength by cherishing bad pas- 
 sions, spitefulness, and universal opposition. 
 She might once indeed have hoped to marry, 
 but she now looks plain enough to scare any 
 man away from her.'' 
 
 K. " She is emaciated, jaded, and old-look- 
 
 ing." 
 
 " Yes, really old before her time ; exhausted 
 with continual efforts to be disagreeable to 
 others. 
 
 K. " Why, then, she is like her cousin, Miss 
 Molochan."
 
 82 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " Yes, the example of the other has made 
 her that which she is ; and what is more piti- 
 ful in the case of this Miss Haggart, is, that 
 she weakly suffers herself to be led away by her 
 cousin, though, at the same time, she cordially 
 dislikes her.'' 
 
 K. " What a delightful assortment of dispo- 
 sitions we appear to have come amongst to- 
 night! But when we say that none of these 
 girls will ever be married, how can we tell that 
 their several bad qualities are known beyond 
 their immediate family circle ? — for we must 
 consider ourselves as exposing the secrets that 
 lurk there,*'' 
 
 " Oh, do not suppose that bad qualities are 
 so easily kept concealed : numbers of people 
 whom they little suspect of knowing any thing 
 about them, have heard of their bad dispositions 
 and faults by channels with which they are un- 
 acquainted."^ 
 
 * I embrace the review of girls at aU ages ; and where the 
 age is not very fully indicated, the reader's discrimination will 
 understand where to apply my comments to childhood, and 
 where to a more advanced age. — C. M.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 83 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE CONVERSATION CONTINUED. SOMETHING 
 
 STILL MORE SEVERE. MORE PROMISES OF 
 
 OLD MAIDS. 
 
 "Here comes that affected woman. Lady 
 Flashingdon. Do you observe her eyes ? She 
 could not open them for the world while she 
 is speaking." 
 
 K. " Oh dear, no ! she always speaks with her 
 eyes only half opened." 
 
 <4 Were she to open them entirely, their bril- 
 liancy would not exactly strike one dead." 
 
 K. "No; she is no very great beauty. A 
 street -sweeping mendicant could not pay her 
 the compliment of begging to light his pipe by 
 them — I allude to the old story of the beautifid 
 Duchess. — " 
 
 " And what a drawling tone she speaks in ! 
 Silly, affected woman !" 
 
 K. " We shall observe worse instances of
 
 84 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 aiFectation, though, than her's, I doubt not, 
 before we have scrutinized many more persons 
 in the room." 
 
 " Oh, Kate ! do you see that wily-looking, 
 reverend gentleman standing by Lady Can- 
 terly ?" 
 
 K. " Wily-looking ! Yes, indeed, I think so. 
 Satan never wore a more cunnina: look when 
 he seduced our first mother into tasting the for- 
 bidden fruit ; only he must have looked more 
 agreeable." 
 
 " His countenance corresponds well with his 
 character : the last is sadly inconsistent with the 
 spirit of his vocation.'' 
 
 K. " Yes; and the reverend Dr. Sanconia- 
 thon Craft also calls himself the honourable.'* 
 
 " I do believe that he is one of the most hol- 
 low-hearted men in the world. You know 
 how unkindly he behaved to young Henry 
 Dartingfield ?''' 
 
 K. " What, in declining to exert his interest 
 for him about the diplomatic situation, as he 
 had promised ? Oh, yes, I remember the cir- 
 cumstance. It was a shabby sort of thing ; and 
 his excuse for not doing so was, that young
 
 AN OLD MAID. 85 
 
 Dartingfield's parents did not show any ' anxiety 
 about the matter.' " 
 
 " It was but a hollow pretence — people can- 
 not be so very solicitous on all occasions. They 
 would be then blamed and disliked for beino- 
 impertinent and unconscionable. But a true 
 friend would have saved them any pain in mak- 
 ing applications, and when once he knew what 
 would have been acceptable, have done it with- 
 out waiting to be solicited. And how do you 
 think this reverend man satisfied his conscience 
 that his insincerity and unkindness was right 
 and just ?" 
 
 K. " I cannot possibly tell !" 
 
 *'■ Why, by a text from Scripture : — ' ask, 
 and ye shall receive.' I can fancy the man 
 quoting it to himself, and adding in his canting 
 tone, ' they would have acted more like Chris- 
 tidiis had they urged me more.' " 
 
 K. "" Odious ! this is worse than the cant of 
 the Roundheads of the Rebelhon." 
 
 " Quite as bad, I am sure, — every bit." 
 
 " K. " The result of the reverend doctor's 
 insincerity has been a great mischief, I under- 
 stand, to the young man."
 
 86 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " To be sure it has : how many young men 
 are there of the first families, whose only foot- 
 ing in the world and in society is established 
 by the interest of some friend or other." 
 
 K. " Well, the Honourable and Reverend Dr. 
 Craft will ' have his reward,' I doubt not, in 
 one way or another, either in this world or the 
 next."" 
 
 " Say nothing about the 7iext : — if hollow 
 insincerity,— if a career of hypocrisy, cant, and 
 cunning, — is to meet with the bliss for which 
 charity, uprightness, honesty, candour, and 
 sincerity may hope, — why the most iniquitous 
 characters may hope for a reward." 
 
 K. " You are talking of reward in its real 
 sense ; I used it in the sacred irony of the 
 text from which I cited it." 
 
 *' Then you may be sure Dr. Craft zvill have 
 his reward in the next ; and I am sure he de- 
 serves it in this world too, before he has done 
 with it." 
 
 K. *' But let us turn from his crafty rever^ 
 ence; I am tired of looking on the meagre 
 canting visage and manner, with which he has
 
 AN OLD MAID. 87 
 
 made his way in the world, and with which 
 he still imposes on people." 
 
 " Why, there is the very person he used so 
 unhandsomely !'"* 
 
 K. •' What, Henry Dartingfield ?" 
 
 " Yes, walking with his two sisters." 
 
 /{. " Yes, I see them. What handsome, 
 distinguished-looking girls th'^y are !" 
 
 " Remarkably so — but the poor young man 
 looks very unwell, and unhappy too." 
 
 They say he was seduced into risking more 
 than was prudent at play at one time :— that 
 he lost much more than his friends know any 
 thing about, in the set of that sad young gamb- 
 ler. Lord C .'' 
 
 " You will see that he will soon be separated 
 from his sisters, for they are always in request 
 at a ball." 
 
 K. " How comes it those two sisters of his 
 are not married yet ?" 
 
 " I cannot conceive ; they are girls of so much 
 natural esprit, — as well as accomplished." 
 
 K. " Yes, and so amiable and elegant too. 
 
 — There is Arthur C bowing to one of 
 
 them now."
 
 88 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 '' C could not do better than make her 
 
 an offer. He has asked her to dance — thev 
 are walking up to the set that is now being 
 made."" 
 
 K. " AVas it the youngest that he asked 
 to dance ?" 
 
 "No, the eldest. There is Lord F . 
 
 walking up to ask the other now — do you see.'^" 
 
 K. " So he is. Well, he and C have, 
 
 in the Misses D. the most elegant partners 
 in the room. Where is their mother, — Mrs. 
 Dartingfield ?" 
 
 " She was walking with them a moment ago 
 — I see her sitting down not far from Lady 
 Canterly." 
 
 K. " But, pray observe those spiteful-look- 
 ing creatures the Misses Chatterden ; at no 
 very great distance from Mrs. Dartingfield." 
 
 " Everlastingly prating as usual !'' 
 
 K. " Yes, and prating spitefully — they could 
 not speak at all, if it were not to utter some- 
 thing or other spiteful."* 
 
 * Spitefulness being the most general fault of my sex, I 
 comment on it more than others ki this review of female 
 failings. — C M.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 89 
 
 " Their countenances indeed show it ; they 
 are as bad as Mrs. Flameden, of whom we were 
 speaking just now. Poor girls! there is some 
 excuse to be made for them, they are disap- 
 pointed, all four of them." 
 
 K. "Disappointed, indeed.^ How could they 
 ever expect to be married with their disagree- 
 able forward manner .?*" 
 
 *' They have always had an idea, that so far 
 from being forward and noisy, their manner was 
 engaging, clever, and amiable." 
 
 K. " How frightful the two youngest of them 
 have lately grown !"" 
 
 " They afford a charming promise of being 
 
 the most spiteful old maids in existence.*" 
 
 K. " And how formal and priggish the bro- 
 thers are !" 
 
 " A happy family, indeed ! But see, there is 
 another party of girls, scarcely less praiseworthy 
 than they are." 
 
 K. " Oh, the Toadinglys ! yes, I believe 
 them to be little better than the Chatterdens." 
 
 "■ They are not so spiteful." 
 
 K. " No ; they do not at least show that 
 they are ; they are a bad-hearted set, though.''
 
 90 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " Yes, most unamiable ; they treat their 
 poor, fooKsh, indulgent father, in a shameful 
 manner." 
 
 K. " So it should seem : the eldest, who 
 is leaning on his arm, seems quite as if she was 
 performing an act of condescension in doing so ; 
 and the father appears as if he was altogether 
 unused to any such compliance on the part of 
 the daughter.*' 
 
 *' Poor man! such is the result of his own 
 weakness and ill-judged indulgence." 
 
 K. " It is said that their home is a refjular 
 pandemonium." 
 
 " That is notorious ; they are everlastingly 
 disagreeing amongst each other ; or if they hap- 
 pen to agree, it is in the expression of wicked 
 and perverse sentiments." 
 
 K. " It is at those moments, I suppose, in 
 which they join in the chorus of scandalizing 
 their relations and acquaintance." 
 
 " Yes, no doubt ; they find fault with every 
 body they know." 
 
 K. '• They pretend to despise young H ,
 
 AN OLD MAID. 91 
 
 their cousin, because he is obliged to follow a 
 profession." 
 
 " How ridiculous ! Members of the first fa- 
 milies follow professions. Why, he is far the 
 best of all that family, and does most honour 
 to it." 
 
 K. " There is not one of them whose dis- 
 position or talent will bear comparison with his ; 
 but because he cannot afford to be completely 
 idle, they pretend to say he is not ' fashionable' 
 enough for them."" 
 
 " Wliy, good heavens ! are they fashionable 
 themselves .^ " 
 
 K. "No— the most presuming, affected young 
 persons in the world ; who ' go out/ compa- 
 ratively, very little. Their affectation is of 
 the worst kind, as it is compounded with 
 wickedness." 
 
 '* But then they think themselves naturally so 
 enchanting and graceful, that if they had lived 
 in a routine of gaiety of the highest character, 
 which they have not, they could not have been 
 improved by it."
 
 92 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 K. Ridiculous ! that is the mischief of their 
 only having (comparatively speaking) seen 
 themselves : why there are hundreds in every 
 assembly into which one goes, that would out- 
 strip them all to nothing.*" 
 
 •' Yes, all to nothing. Their cousin, who 
 sees more of the world, and has ten times the 
 acquaintance which they have, must surely be 
 inclined to despise them, rather than entertain 
 any feelings of resentment." 
 
 K. " With his good sense he must ; but 
 those who are not so indulgent as he may be, 
 will be inclined to think a little more harshly of 
 their conduct, and speak of it as it deserves." 
 
 " How different are they in disposition from 
 the sisters of Henry Dartingfield ; who must be 
 most happy in them. By the by, I do not see 
 the youngest of those girls here T^ 
 
 K. " I do not think she is present. What 
 elegant figures they have ! Which do you like 
 the best of the three ? " 
 
 " I can scarcely tell. They have all much 
 dignity of carriage, as well as grace of air.'*'' 
 
 K. " Oh ! most patrician-looking girls. It is
 
 AN OLD MAID. 93 
 
 difficult to say which to admire most of the 
 two eldest ; the hair of both is dark, and the 
 face oval; the eyes of the second are rather 
 larger than her sister's; the nose a soft aquiline 
 in one, and straighter in the other."" 
 
 " I admire very much the large blue eyes, 
 golden hair, and classic outline of the youngest.'' 
 
 K. '' It is a pity the Misses Toadingly could 
 not take a lesson from them in manner and 
 disposition." 
 
 *' The Toadinglys and Chatterdens will make 
 formidable old maids, indeed ! \\ 
 
 K. " They will together certainly form a so- 
 ciety of old maids, in which all the spleen, ill- 
 humour, and unamiability that can exist in the 
 female heart, will be concentrated." 
 
 " Here is Lady Lavingham "" 
 
 Lady Lavingham was leaning on the arm of 
 her son, George Raverton. — " How do you do, 
 Miss Mirabelle?" she said, with that sweet 
 smile which speaks the thorough amiability of 
 her soul — " How do you do. Lady Katharine ? 
 — I think we passed each other in the park this 
 
 mornmg r 
 
 ?»
 
 94 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " Yes/* I answered, "•' we had Mr. Raver- 
 ton's company in the park for some time : I 
 hope, Lady Lavingham, your visit to the sea- 
 side was of service to you ?" 
 
 " Thank you, I think that aUogether it did 
 me good ; but 1 feel these crowded parties 
 rather more than I hke." 
 
 They passed on up the room, as well as the 
 throng would permit them. 
 
 " Sweet, amiable creature, that Lady Laving- 
 ham f I said to Kate. 
 
 K. " Yes, it quite distresses me to think she 
 is so much an invalid." 
 
 *' She has also been very unfortunate — " 
 
 K. " She lost her youngest boy not long ago. 
 A very fine child he was too." 
 
 " And her only daughter the year before, 
 which was more distressing still." 
 
 K. '* She has been really unfortunate all her 
 life ; and can have but few agreeable recol- 
 lections." 
 
 How jealous her elder sisters were at her 
 
 (( 
 
 marriage !" 
 
 K. " Yes, they have lost no opportunity of 
 showing her ever since, how much they were
 
 AN OLD MAID. 95 
 
 mortified at her being selected before them by 
 Lord I.." 
 
 " But she is so amiable that she never showed 
 the slightest resentment of their unkindness."" 
 
 K. " Not the least — in doing which she has 
 rendered them doubly contemptible in the eyes 
 of those who knew them. You know they 
 always said she was a miserable, weak creature, 
 with whom they might do what they pleased, 
 and catechise as they liked." 
 
 " They were much mistaken if they thought 
 their sister wanted discernment to perceive the 
 malice that actuated all they said and did with 
 respect to herself: and much mistaken, too, 
 were they, if they thought she wanted strength 
 of mind to combat it." 
 
 K. " It is a pity, though, that she never did 
 combat it : it would at any rate have unde- 
 ceived them ; but she was too amiable to wish 
 to oppose herself to her sisters, and therefore 
 gave way to them, and let their malice flow on 
 unchided and unrestrained." 
 
 " She is certainly the most completely lady- 
 like, charming woman I ever knew." 
 
 K. " It is a wonder a pattern of so much
 
 96 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 gentleness and amiability as she is, has lived so 
 long as she has, — since we too often find such 
 exemplary natures but short sojourners in this 
 sphere : but she is so delicate that I fear she 
 cannot live very long." 
 
 " 1 fear not : — well ! her perfect goodness of 
 heart need not render her very apprehensive but 
 that she will be repaid in another state of exist- 
 ence for whatever she has been denied in this." 
 
 K. " Do you see her sister, Mrs. Candour- 
 lesse ?'' 
 
 " Yes, there she is, sitting next to Colonel 
 Dashly. She has rather a pretty face, but 
 what an unamiable expression she has in it ! 
 Her looks exactly betray her disposition — a 
 pleasure in saying what may mortify others." 
 
 K. " Unhappy, mean-spirited character ! I 
 cannot bear such natures. Her daughters are 
 just the same as herself; as like her in charac- 
 ter, temper and disposition, as they are in coun- 
 tenance and feature. Do you see Lady La- 
 vingham's two other sisters ?" 
 
 " No, they are not here ; one is, I believe, 
 in the country, — a silly, capricious, affected
 
 AN OLD MAID. 97 
 
 woman ; and the other is just gone abroad with 
 her husband." 
 
 K. " What, that vain man, Sir Hervey Lap- 
 wing ?*" 
 
 " Yes — she doats on him — and so they are 
 happy enough. She is of a disposition just like 
 that of her sister, Mrs. Candourlesse." 
 
 K. " Who is that dowdy young person, talk- 
 ing in such a grimacing way with Arthur Quiz- 
 zett .?" 
 
 '' That is Miss Mimicton ; — her sole occupa- 
 tion has ever been that of taking off the voices 
 and manner of people ; and she ought by this 
 time to be tolerably perfect in her task : she 
 never speaks but with a sneer, which is disa- 
 greeable enough in a man, but in a woman 
 nothing is so repellingly unfeminine. Plain as 
 she naturally was, she has now distorted her 
 features so much, by assuming the looks and 
 countenances of different people, that one does 
 not know what to say of her face.'*'' 
 
 K. " I wonder that a person who exhibits so 
 many causes of exception and ridicule in her- 
 self, can be so imprudent as to indulge in gri- 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 98 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 macing at others, as she does. She affords 
 another promise of being an old maid." 
 
 " She has the same disagreeable square grin 
 about the mouth, that one of the Miss Molo- 
 chans has." 
 
 K. " So she has ! I thought I had seen some 
 face that put me in mind of her. But look at 
 that flighty person, with her staring round 
 black eyes and ruddy little face."" 
 
 *' She sets up for a genius — the most vain 
 person is she in the world. She does a great 
 many things — plays, draws, dances, sings, pre- 
 tends to speak every language in Europe, and 
 calls herself something of a Sappho into the 
 bargain." 
 
 K. " Yes, but she does every thing badly. 
 She is a completely vain person." 
 
 " She has managed to get married, though." 
 K. " Yes, no wonder : her husband is a 
 person of no discernment, little sense, though 
 of polished manners. He looks up to her as a 
 divinity, and gives way to her in every thing. 
 But do you see how earnestly Henry Darting-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 99 
 
 field is talking with that ill-bred ninny. Colonel 
 Dashly/' 
 
 *' Yes. If his language is strong, I dare 
 say it is so with reason, for Colonel Dashly 
 is everlastingly catching up people with some 
 frivolous, vexatious, impertinent objection or 
 other." 
 
 K. '* Yes, and in the rudest manner too. 
 Little does he deserve the title he assumes, of 
 a ' man-of-fashion,' an insignificant creature 
 as he is, with no sort of pretensions whatever. 
 You know, he has nearly ruined himself, not 
 in any real spirit of fashion, but through an 
 empty-headed, affected, foolhardy idea of ' dash- 
 ingness.'" - 
 
 " He is indeed, then, deserving of contempt. 
 Why, if my eyes do not deceive me, there is 
 old Quizzaby in the room." 
 
 K, *' So he is, I declare. I have not seen 
 him out anywhere for some time. I knew him 
 again at once by his strange manner, his ner- 
 vous tricks, and ridiculous grimaces." 
 
 " Curious old man ! He is a sad annoyance, 
 I understand." 
 
 F 2
 
 100 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 K. " Dreadful ; and makes such a fuss about 
 the merest trifles, wherever he is concerned, 
 that people are sick of him." 
 
 " He has some good traits about him ; I be- 
 lieve he gives a good deal away in charity.'*' 
 
 K. " I do not know how that may be. He 
 is most cringingly mean towards his superiors in 
 rank ; and I really believe, as to his charity, 
 it arises from mere love of ostentation, — for if 
 ever he is informed that such and such a person 
 in society, is not blessed with affluence, he exhi- 
 bits the meanest disregard of them." 
 
 " Miserable, narrow-minded man ! It is 
 painful to contemplate dispositions so mean. 
 Who is that talking to him .?" 
 
 K, " Another strange old person ; a cousin 
 of his ; a relation of the Chatterdens.'' 
 
 " So he is — I heard that he was much offend- 
 ed at their conduct the other day. They said 
 something extremely unkind and injudicious to 
 poor Mrs. Heartling," 
 
 K. " It shows his good sense; I therefore 
 admire the old man, although he is so strange 
 a being." 
 
 " His faults are not of the heart — now, old
 
 AN OLD MAID. 101 
 
 Quizzaby is in many respects a bad-hearted 
 
 man." 
 
 K. " And there is that unconscionable little 
 ninny with his theatrical manner !" 
 
 " You mean little Squintame ; the man who 
 pretends to fall in love with every woman he 
 
 sees." 
 
 K. " Yes : but who is that youth that is 
 walking with Lady Stakefield, quite at the other 
 end of the room ? They are but just come." 
 
 " That is Eustace Mervingale, a very amusing 
 genius, and with a good vein of satire. He is 
 a great favorite of Lady S.'s." 
 
 K. " Has he not credit for a poetical turn, 
 
 too r 
 
 " Oh yes ! Lady S. and all her female ac- 
 quaintance will tell you that.'* 
 
 K. " Well, he seems to make himself in re- 
 quest." 
 
 ^' But the dancing appears to have come to 
 an end just at present, and there is a general 
 movement towards the door." 
 
 K. '* They are going down stairs. Here 
 come Lord Alfred and Sir Jeffrey to hand us 
 down, no doubt."
 
 102 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " Well, Kate," I said, as we were getting up 
 from our seats, " we have taken an interesting 
 
 view of the qualities of both sexes this even- 
 
 * 11 
 ing. 
 
 K. " It is not a very flattering one, — but a 
 very true one." 
 
 " What think you of the chance of any of 
 those girls whom we have set down as affording 
 ' promises of old maids,' of being married ?" 
 
 K. " Oh, they have no chance at all T'
 
 AN OLD MAID. 103 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 AFFECTATION. " LA BELLE MIRABELLE" 
 
 SADLY DISSATISFIED. 
 
 Are there any to whom the satire of my two 
 last chapters has come home ? — for the satire is 
 equally true, though it comes from a person 
 who herself has her follies and faults. If it 
 has ; so much the better for those who will pay 
 attention to it, and profit by it. But to quit 
 this topic, I fancied I observed a look of dis- 
 content and jealousy on the countenance of our 
 entertainer. Lady Canterly, at the attentions 
 Lord Alfred Gambleford was paying me. Sir 
 Jeffrey Simperby handed down Lady Kate, and 
 Lord Alfred offered me his arm. It is a sad 
 thing I made poor Lady Canterly so jealous. 
 
 There is no fault which I am more fond of 
 marking out for exception and ridicule, than
 
 104 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 that of affectation. It is a general remark, 
 that people are always blindest to their own 
 defects ; and if it is true, that what in myself 
 I consider naivete^ is in fact affectation, why, 
 I am willing to own myself as blind as the rest 
 of the world. But though blind to my own 
 failings, I cannot think myself so as to those of 
 others ; and in proceeding to expose the affec- 
 tation of Lord Alfred Gambleford, I have in 
 view similar absurdities in two or three young 
 men of my acquaintance. There are so many 
 species of affectation in young men, that it is 
 difficult to select that which is most deserving 
 of ridicule:^ the species which I have chosen, is 
 that which exhibits the silliest coxcombry. I 
 feel that I could perhaps have done more jus- 
 tice to any exposure that regarded the failings 
 of one of my own sex. It has been my wish to 
 make Lord A. as ridiculous a figure as I could 
 in this ' School for Vanity' of mine, by way of 
 counterbalance to the large preceding amourit 
 
 « 'IV 
 
 To give an instance or two from the manner of speaking. 
 The voice is sometimes so droj)t, that there is no hearing a 
 word : at others, the drawl is so outrageous, that a 'yes' is 
 scarcely uttered under five minutes — * Y-e-e-a-as' — at last the 
 portentous monosyllable comes forth.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 
 
 105 
 
 of female failings. His voice and air in speak- 
 ing are left to the reader's imagination. 
 
 On enterincv the scene of the entertainment, 
 my attention was strikingly directed towards 
 the mistaken elegance and want of real taste 
 with which it was decorated, and the entertain- 
 ment itself laid out. The ornament of the 
 room was tawdry, and there was too much of it : 
 the tables also displayed too many ornaments. 
 In fact, a fantastic appearance was given to the 
 whole arrangement. I was given shortly to 
 understand, that Lord Alfred's affectation had 
 lent its aid to promote this result. 
 
 '• Don't suppose," he observed, raising up his 
 eye-brows, and smihng with a ridiculous self- 
 complacency, " that all this arrangement is 
 Lady Canterly's : this she manages to effect, 
 in consequence of being occasionally favoured 
 with a morning ' look in' from myself." 
 
 " Then it is to your taste that she is in- 
 debted for so much elegance in the arrange- 
 ment of every thing here ?" 
 
 " Why I suppose that is something near the 
 truth : you know. Lady Canterly can do 
 
 F 5
 
 106 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 nothing without me — positively nothing — "" 
 (shaking his head, with the most absurd air 
 of conceit) — " why, Miss Mirabelle, if I 
 should happen to be on the Continent during a 
 season in town, she could not gi\e a single party 
 worth coming to." 
 
 " Lady Canterly must, indeed, have been 
 delighted at your assistance on the present oc- 
 casion." 
 
 " Delighted r 
 
 " I wish we could procure a seat," inter- 
 rupted Sir Jeffrey Simperby, whose simper was 
 even more foolish then the conceit of my ex- 
 quisite chaperon Lord Alfred. He was just 
 behind me with Lady Kate. 
 
 " Oh, Sir Jeffrey," I replied, " it is a thing 
 to be despaired of at present ; we should have 
 come down sooner — but unfortunately, we did 
 not get out of the room till nearly every one 
 had thronged on the staircase long before us." 
 
 " Sadly vexatious, however !" again simpered 
 the Baronet. 
 
 '' Yes, and by the time we get to the table, 
 every more elegant refection will have disap- 
 peared/' observed Lord Alfred, in a tone of
 
 AN OLD MAID. 107 
 
 rather rueful affectation ; " now, I do not mind 
 this as to myself,'** he continued, " but then, it 
 is melancholy to think how we shall ever be 
 able to procure any thing for yourself and 
 Lady Katharine, before you faint. I am to- 
 tally at a loss to conceive how !" 
 
 " Oh, do not be concerned about us," I said, 
 for Lady Kate and myself; " we shall not quite 
 faint." 
 
 " Gracious, I fear you will ! You have been 
 now standing up these seven minutes and three 
 quarters, I am perfectly positive ; I judge of 
 your feelings from my own, and / am so fa- 
 tigued that I scarcely can stand, I assure you !" 
 
 '* I wish it were possible to procure you even 
 a little ice ; but there is such a crowd ....*' 
 simpered Sir Jeffrey to Lady Kate. 
 
 " Believe me," continued Lord Alfred to 
 myself, ** what with the anxiety that this party 
 has occasioned me, as being the planner of the 
 thing; and the total inability to get a seat either 
 for you or myself, I am positively ill." 
 
 " I am very sorry for you. Lord Alfred," I 
 said, " but do not distress yourself on our ac- 
 count ; and as for the party, I think you may
 
 108 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 relieve yourself from any anxiety on that score, 
 for it has succeeded beyond any thing. There 
 are none here, I am sure, that can help being 
 pleased." 
 
 " Yes," replied Lord A. " but they would 
 not be so pleased if they were sequestered thus 
 in the rear as we are." 
 
 " Without any chance of advancing, either !"" 
 simpered the Baronet. 
 
 " Oh, the people appear to be going up stairs 
 again," said Lady Kate. 
 
 " Yes. I think we shall find a seat now, at 
 that corner, on the left hand side," rejoined her 
 gallant. 
 
 " Find a seat, possibly, when you are there ; 
 but how you are to get at it from hence, I 
 should be glad to know," said Lord Alfred. 
 
 " At any rate,"" I said, *' the crowd is much 
 less than it was." 
 
 '* Thick enough still," said Lord A. ; 
 " however, let us try ;" and accordingly we 
 essayed to make our way, bit by bit, through 
 the still considerable host of persons with which 
 the intervening space was occupied. At last, in 
 something less than half an hour we succeeded
 
 AN OLD MAID. 109 
 
 in establishing ourselves in a seat. A few of 
 the ' more elegant' specimens (as Lord A. would 
 say) of all that Gunter or Jarrin had supplied 
 for the entertainment, still remained — but not 
 many. 
 
 Most of the guests had now gone up- stairs 
 again, to witness the recommencement of dan- 
 cing ; yet the room was still tolerably well filled 
 with such persons as had, like ourselves, been till 
 now in the back-ground. Amongst the rest was 
 Sir Roger Tag, who had been straining and 
 stretching upwards his little bullet of a head, 
 and hoisting himself on tip-toe, to endeavour 
 to look over the shoulders of the persons before 
 him. What had become of Colonel and Mrs. 
 Crone I know not. As I did not see them 
 either now, or in coming down stairs, I con- 
 cluded that they had taken leave of the party. 
 If so, Sir Roger Tag had not considered it 
 advisable to follow their example. To the ex- 
 clusion of Lord Alfred, he managed to consume 
 the last remaining drop of some punch a la 
 Romahie • however, there was iced champagne. 
 The little man looked very much piqued at me 
 for declining to dance with him, and avoided
 
 110 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 coming in my way for the rest of the evening ; 
 though he exhibited no coolness towards me 
 whatever, afterwards. 
 
 Having walked up stairs again, I was hoping 
 that Sir Roger would go away by that time, 
 and leave the coast clear for me, to dance with 
 any one else that might ask me ; and indeed so 
 he did : but just as I was looking towards Lord 
 Alfred, in hopes that he would solicit the fa- 
 vour of stepping a measure with me, away he 
 started with his glass up to his eye, to look at 
 the beautiful heiress, Miss Gracely, who was at 
 the other end of the room ; and of whom, upon 
 my word, I felt inclined at the moment to be 
 very jealous. Well, this was but fair : I have 
 made others jealous of me^ and therefore I may 
 well afford to let others make m^ a little jealous 
 of them now and then. How I should have 
 enjoyed a quadrille that evening ! 
 
 Altogether, I went home dissatisfied with 
 the party : that vile Sir Roger, why did he ask 
 me to dance, and prevent my dancing with any 
 one else .? — and that coxcomb. Lord Alfred, 
 why did he run away, after we had gone up 
 ytairs again, to look at a girl because she hap-
 
 AN OLD MAID. Ill 
 
 pened to have a little money ? I do not like 
 being slighted, I must confess ; because I feel 
 that I do not deserve it. However, this does not 
 often happen ; and I consoled myself by vent- 
 ing my spleen upon my prudish cousin, and 
 laughing at the caricatures presented by her- 
 self, her husband, and the little good-for- 
 nothing monster, Sir Roger Tag. 
 
 Lady Canterly was evidently cool when I 
 took leave of her : she would not have been so, 
 however, had she known that her gallant had 
 abandoned his attentions to me so abruptly 
 and unceremoniously as he did. I hope she 
 will punish him for his airs : it will serve him 
 right, and teach him better behaviour. Kate 
 provoked me, too, a little, as she was not in- 
 clined to sympathize so much as I could have 
 wished in my discomfit are. 
 
 I passed a restless night, and awoke the next 
 morning with a slight head-ache.
 
 112 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 "la belle mirabelle" makes a decided 
 conquest this evening. 
 
 A DAY or two after Lady Canterly's ball, I 
 received an invitation to dinner from my old 
 friends, Lord and Lady Frippington. I shall 
 not trouble myself about filling up the interven- 
 ing period, farther than by saying, that Lady 
 Kate and myself being at the Opera, we saw 
 Lord Alfred Gambleford and Lady Canterly, as 
 usual, sitting together in the same box, and 
 that, on Lord Alfred's coming round to speak 
 to us, I did not receive him in the same en- 
 gaging manner I had been used to do. I had 
 not yet forgotten his excessive want of attention 
 towards me. 
 
 On the announcement of the names, " Lady
 
 AN OLD MAID. 113 
 
 Katharine Ratlinoton" and '' Miss Clorinda 
 Mirabelle," the whole party was intent on be- 
 holding our entree, or rather I may say, my 
 entree ; — for I can speak for myself, that I had 
 to encounter the fixed gaze of every body in the 
 room. 
 
 Lady Frippington received us with a smile, 
 in which I fancied a little more was conveyed 
 than mere satisfaction at seeing us — something 
 that looked hke amusement. There seemed also 
 an incipient smile on the countenances of the 
 other people in the room : it proceeded from ad- 
 miration, no doubt — it is really quite surprising 
 how young I look ! — I don't mean to say that I 
 am old, — but I look so very young. Lady Kate 
 is not at all envious of me, poor thing ! She is 
 a good, amiable creature, and in this respect far 
 superior to most women that I know. 
 
 Lord Frippington pressed my hand in the 
 cordial way that he always does ; but seemed, 
 I thought, to betray a smile of an equivocal 
 character, as he turned round to resume his 
 conversation with a gentleman to whom he had 
 been speaking when we entered. In fact, I 
 seemed to form a subject of interest to every
 
 114 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 body in the room, whether young or old: I 
 will own I was in very good looks that evening. 
 Dinner being announced, I fancied, from 
 their countenances, that there was a feehng, 
 rather, of rivalry amongst the gentlemen, as to 
 which of them should have the honour of hand- 
 ing down myself. That they were inclined to 
 be a Httle jealous of each other I cannot much 
 wonder, though their courtesy made them will- 
 ing each to give up the distinction to the other. 
 Lady Frippington desired her son, Arthur 
 Quizzett, " to take Miss Mirabelle." 
 
 Accordingly he stepped forward, and offered 
 me his arm : Poor modest young man ; at first, 
 how amiably diffident he looked ! But after- 
 wards, so proud w^as he to have had a distinc- 
 tion before every gentleman present, that he 
 seemed for a few moments elated beyond his 
 usual composure. 
 
 We sat next each other at dinner: after he 
 had a little come to himself again, we had the 
 most delightful tete-a-tete imaginable. I have 
 been so used to see people fall in love with me 
 in the course of my blooming days, that I take 
 such a thing as a matter of courae, and pay
 
 AN OLD MAID. 115 
 
 little attention to it. I was in the present in- 
 stance really disposed to pity young Arthur 
 Quizzett, who evidently, before the second 
 course made its appearance, was so smitten with 
 me that it was perceptible to the most casual 
 observer: even an old foreign Duke, who was 
 blind of one eye and could see but indifferent- 
 ly with the other, must have perceived it, had 
 he not sat on the other side of me. If such 
 suspicions had not been well founded, why 
 should the eyes of young men on the other side 
 of the table — Arthur Quizzett's friends— have 
 now and then wandered rather inquisitively to- 
 wards his ? And why should they have smiled 
 at the same time ? They did so doubtlessly out 
 of good-humoured malice, because they enjoyed 
 his confusion. They did not stop here : in order 
 to tease him more and make him jealous, they 
 also showed me the most marked attention. 
 There was scarcely one of them that did not 
 ask me to drink wine: this they took care to do, 
 for the additional purpose of being able to gaze 
 on my — assuredly captivating — countenance, 
 without the imputation of rudeness. 
 
 But to leave thtm^ and to turn to my friend,
 
 116 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Mr. Quizzett. " Are you to be at the great 
 ball, Miss Mirabelle ?"" said he, in a languish- 
 ing tone. 
 
 " On Thursday next, I suppose you mean, 
 for the benefit of the distressed manufacturers ?**' 
 I replied. 
 
 " Yes. One of the theatres, Covent-Garden, 
 I believe, is to be metamorphosed into a ball- 
 room for the occasion ; the pit raised to a level 
 with the stage, et cetera.'* 
 
 " Yes, I think I shall be there. I beheve 
 Lady Katharine Ratlington has offered me a 
 place in a box which one of her family has 
 taken for the occasion ; it will be so dreadfully 
 crowded below." 
 
 " My dear Miss Mirabelle, you must not 
 think of secluding yourself in a box ; I was 
 promising myself the pleasure of dancing with 
 you, if you are not pre-engaged. I know you 
 are fond of dancing." 
 
 " Oh ! Mr. Quizzett, I shall be happy to 
 dance with you ; but I fear the crowd will be 
 too great to admit of any dancing. Besides we 
 cannot exactly dance, unless we secure * a set' 
 made up of ourselves."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 117 
 
 " Leave that to me — we shall soon muster 
 a set from my sisters and cousins: and com- 
 plete will it be indeed, if you will condescend 
 to form one in it." 
 
 " I shall be delighted to do so ;— but we 
 must consider what character of dress will 
 have the best effect; for we ought all to be 
 in uniform." 
 
 " I assure you, Miss Mirabel! e, when I 
 understood that you were coming to dine 
 with us this evening, the thought struck me 
 of asking you about your intentions of going 
 to the ball or not, and of course I suggested 
 to my sisters the hope of your forming one of 
 our party ; and this farther led to speaking of 
 the dresses.*" 
 
 " Really !" 
 
 " And I assure you they have a very pretty 
 idea in their heads: they have fixed on a pat- 
 tern that is one of the prettiest I ever saw." 
 
 " What ! then they have been making pre- 
 parations already ?''"' I observed, looking with 
 a smile towards the Misses Quizzett, who were 
 at the other end of the table." 
 
 " Yes, indeed, have they. It is a subject
 
 118 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 of no small importance, even to those whose 
 beauty needs no additional decoration, — Si^ you 
 are perhaps aware. Miss Mirabelle." 
 
 I smiled, and tossed my head on one side, 
 with a pretty engaging jerk ; and in so doing 
 very unfortunately happened to whisk it against 
 the shoulder of the good old foreign Duke, and 
 occasioned the upsetting of a glass of cham- 
 pagne over his waistcoat, just as he was rais- 
 ing the sparkling draught to his lips. This 
 little mishap occasioned more pleasantry to 
 the spectators (to judge by their countenances) 
 than to the Duke himself. I instantly tossed 
 my head on the opposite side to that on which 
 it had done so much mischief, (whereby I am 
 afraid I gave Mr. Quizzett a gentle rap on the 
 temples,) uttering my apologies, and blushing 
 in a manner which I am sure must have dis- 
 armed the most impatient tempers of any feel- 
 ing of vexation : it certainly disarmed his. 
 Unfortunately, the Duke's blind eye being 
 next me, he did not discern my blushes. 
 
 " I was right, was I not. Miss Mirabelle, 
 in observing that you were fond of dancing .?" 
 
 " Yes, I enjoy it excessively ; it affords an
 
 AN OLD MAID. 119 
 
 animation that few other amusements do— a 
 light-heartedness and general good-will — I 
 speak of the effect it has upon myself; I 
 am in good humour vvith every body whilst 
 
 I am dancing" (' Oh, you are always in a 
 
 good humour, Miss Mirabelle!') "and 
 
 then the music is agreeable and inspiring at 
 the same time."" 
 
 " Remarkably so — at least to you ladies — 
 as for myself I am not the most spirited of 
 dancers." 
 
 " It is really a sad pity that you do not 
 take a little more interest in the thing". It 
 is no compliment to your partners, and surely 
 no credit to yourself." .... 
 
 " Oh, Miss Mirabelle, you are severe !" 
 " Now, next Thursday, Mr. Quizzett, I 
 shall insist on your daiicing.'''' 
 
 " That I certainly shall make a point of 
 doing — I shall feel myself bound to do so^ with 
 such a partner as yourself- — my pvoor sisters 
 will be thrown completely into the back- 
 ground !" — (he said this in a subdued and 
 vastly pretty, despairing tone.) 
 " Mr. Quizzett, you flatter me !"
 
 120 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " I think," continued he, " that I have been 
 behaving cruelly to them, in urging you to go 
 to the ball and outstrip them so. I hope the 
 room will not be too crowded." 
 
 " I am sure I am as anxious as yourself that 
 it should not." 
 
 " These excessive crowds at dances often pre- 
 vent all dancing whatever : and to walk through 
 a figure, is really the most one can sometimes 
 do;' 
 
 " I agree with you in deprecating such 
 crowded parties ; even the capering foreigners 
 have been obliged to put up with pacing 
 through a measure, on account of the throng." 
 
 " Do you know our German acquaintance the 
 Baron, Von Blosterbomb ? — he is to be at the 
 ball. He valtzes beautifully, and charming will 
 it be for you, to take a round with him in the 
 course of the evening. Of course, you have no 
 objection to valtzing ?" 
 
 " Not the least. I shall be delighted ! Above 
 all dances I admire the valtz,"* when it is not 
 too quickly danced ; there is so much grace in 
 
 * The reader may please himself as to saying waltz, or 
 ▼altz.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 121 
 
 it : but to see couples twirling round after each 
 other in anxious race, and seeming as if they 
 would run against each other, is, I must con- 
 fess, not so agreeable.'' 
 
 " I entirely agree with you. Miss Mirabelle ; 
 as for myself, I never valtz — unless I can get a 
 very beautiful partner. It is not otherwise 
 worth the trouble — because some foreigner or 
 other is almost sure to be the object of attrac- 
 tion in a valtz, and engrosses the attention of 
 the whole room to himself. I do not admire 
 feeling myself thrown into the back ground so !" 
 
 " Oh, you vain young man !" 
 
 '' However, there is no reason for me to be 
 uneasy at the idea of not being conspicuous 
 enough next Thursday — with such a partner."" 
 
 A complacent smile acknowledged a second 
 time the youth's amiable compliment. 
 
 It was now time for the ladies to withdraw. 
 The Misses Quizzett seemed desirous to know if 
 their brother had been talking to me about the 
 ball ; and we all stood talking by the fireplace 
 in the drawing-room for some little time, about 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 122 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the various persons of distinction who would be 
 there, and the brilliancy of the spectacle. 
 
 Lady Frippington suggested that I should go 
 up-stairs with her daughters, and look at Sophia's 
 (her eldest daughter's) dress, which had been 
 already sent home from the mantua-maker's, 
 Madame Delia's. So up-stairs we went, and 
 consumed half an hour and more in admiring 
 the pattern and colour of Miss Quizzett's dress, 
 which was the exact model of those which were 
 now making for her sisters. 
 
 *' You see how patriotic we are, Miss Mira- 
 belle,'' said Sophia, holding up the gown to the 
 light — " this is English silk, ordered expressly 
 on this occasion for the purpose of giving our 
 mite of patronage to our unhappy, distressed 
 countrymen." * 
 
 " I hope you will follow our example, Miss 
 Mirabelle," rejoined the second sister, Lucy."" 
 
 " That I shall be too happy to do, I assure 
 you. I never require being urged to show my 
 compassion for my unfortunate countrymen. 
 
 * I am sure Miss Mirabelle introduces this purposely in tlie 
 characteristic kindness of her heart : and the occasion, of which 
 she speaks, is a designed anachronism in her history. — Ed.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 123 
 
 Every thing I have on at this moment, is of 
 genuine English manufacture." 
 
 " My brother tells me, however, that there 
 are not many patriotic people now^ observed 
 the youngest sister, Caroline. 
 
 " As for ourselves," said Miss Quizzett, " it 
 is not our intention, at present, to wear any 
 foreign silk. But how this pattern will become 
 you. Miss Mirabelle !" continued she, holding 
 the dress up to my waist, and leaning back to 
 contemplate its effect. 
 
 " Yes, will it not, Sophy?" said the second 
 sister. 
 
 " Miss Mirabelle will look quite charming 
 in it." 
 
 " I declare she will," added Caroline. " Do 
 you not think so, Blanche ? " said she, address- 
 ing in French a young person, who had just 
 then come into the room. 
 
 Blanche looked at me and then at Miss 
 Quizzett, uncertain what to say exactly. 
 
 " With a pretty light wreath of roses in 
 your hair, I say your appearance will be de- 
 lightful," repeated Caroline, turning to me. 
 
 G 2
 
 124 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 '' Yes, a wreath of roses will be so much in 
 character !'' continued Sophia, smiling. 
 
 " I see, that of course you intend dressing 
 in some character,"" I said. 
 
 " Oh, yes, and in a very pretty one too," 
 she answered ; "" we intend to personify the 
 Seasons : by we, I mean ourselves and our 
 
 cousins, the D s and Limblys. 0«r set will 
 
 represent Spring." 
 
 " And Miss Mirabelle will make a charming 
 Flora !"" interrupted Caroline. 
 
 " Oh, Miss Quizzett," I exclaimed, " can you 
 really mean to say so ! — I suppose you will have 
 enough persons to make up all the sets ; for 
 yourselves and your cousins will scarcely be 
 sufficient, with only the addition of myself ?"" 
 
 " The Arvens are to help us — the sisters of 
 George Arven, who sat opposite you at dinner. 
 But I am so glad you are in our set !" 
 
 " Yes, it was pleasant to fill it up so agree- 
 ably, when we wanted a person,'' said Lucy. 
 
 " Oh, dear !" said I, smiling. 
 
 " Nothing could be more fortunate,*" con- 
 tinued Miss Quizzett, as she consigned the dress
 
 AN OLD MAID. "125 
 
 to Blanche ; " and so now," she continued, " let 
 us return to the drawing-room." 
 
 On entering the room we found my friend, 
 Arthur Quizzett, with the whole party of young 
 men round him, whom he seemed to be amusing 
 excessively. As / entered the room, their 
 group separated. Sophia told her brother that 
 she had been showing me her dress as a pattern 
 for my own. 
 
 " It is very pretty, is it not, Miss Mirabelle?'- 
 he observed. 
 
 " Exceedingly so !" I replied. 
 
 " It was my choice, I assure you, then. My 
 sisters have to thank my taste for that pattern." 
 
 " Arthur," exclaimed Caroline, " how can 
 you say so ? Indeed, we only asked your 
 opinion about it." 
 
 " We had fixed on it before we spoke to 
 you about it," added her sister Sophy. 
 
 " Well, then, it does the taste of all of us 
 great credit," rejoined Arthur. '' Does it not. 
 Miss Mirabelle ? I thought it would meet with 
 your approbation." 
 
 " That it does, indeed," I replied ; " I shall
 
 126 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 certainly send to Madame Delia, to get a dress 
 made exactly like it.'' 
 
 '' Upon my word," continued Arthur, " it 
 will be a very pretty thing — this set of ours! 
 Who are to be your partners, Sophy ?" 
 
 '' George Arven has asked me to dance ; and 
 Lord Walterton dances with Caroline/* 
 
 " And who is to be your partner, Lucy ?" 
 
 At this moment Lady Frippington sat down 
 by my side, and I continued talking with her 
 for the rest of the evening ; so I did not 
 hear any more of the consultation relative to 
 the ball. 
 
 On Lady Kate's carriage being announced, 
 I and my friend took our leave. 
 
 " A very pleasant party," said Lady Kate, 
 when we were seated in the carriage ; " you 
 seemed to have a good deal of conversation with 
 Arthur Quizzett." 
 
 " We sat next each other at dinner." 
 
 " A very agreeable young man he seems to 
 be.^'* 
 
 " He is to be my partner at the ball next 
 Thursday."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 1£7 
 
 " What ! you are dreaming of dancing, 
 again, as usual ? I suppose you will be making 
 me dance as well as yourself soon f said she 
 smiling. 
 
 " As to that, you may do as you please, 
 Kate," I replied ; " for myself, I think it rea- 
 sonable to enjoy my limbs as long as I have 
 the use of them ; I can see no reason why I 
 should not." 
 
 Kate said nothing, but continued smiling. 
 After a moment's silence, she resumed, " Per- 
 haps, then, you go with the Quizzetts ?"*' 
 
 " Yes, as I am in their set, I shall ; so that 
 you and myself can meet each other there, and 
 go away together after the ball." 
 
 " Very well." 
 
 The carriage whirling rapidly over the pave- 
 ment, round the corner of the square, into the 
 street in which I lived, drowned Lady Kate's 
 voice in its clatter ; and after having landed 
 me at my own door, she went home, agreeing 
 to pass the evening of the next day with me 
 ttte-a-ttte. This was always a pleasure both 
 to my friend and myself. As for going out to
 
 128 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 any parties between this time and the period 
 of the ball, it was in my own instance given 
 up ; and though it may appear childish, no 
 other engagement but this could meet with 
 any attention from me. Nevertheless, I must 
 for a short time lay aside the thoughts of it, in 
 order to show the reader how agreeable an 
 evening Lady Kate and myself could pass 
 together by ourselves.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 129 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 AN evening''s tete-a-tete \vi [h lady 
 
 KATE, AT MISS MIRABELLE's: — CHARAC- 
 TERISTIC. 
 
 Who will not envy the pleasant evenings 
 that Lady Kate and myself pass together when 
 society has no immediate claims upon us? — 
 though that is not very often, so much are we 
 in request. 
 
 Seated down at dinner, it is our pleasure to 
 dispense with the attendance of our servants as 
 soon as we can : these are — when we dine at my 
 own house — a tall dapper footman, a grave elder- 
 ly domestic, and a young, black urchin, my page, 
 called Mungo : — he takes care of Fido, the 
 little spaniel. And now, the soup having been 
 removed, we are left, for a while, to ourselves ; 
 and enter more fully upon our mutual sallies, 
 
 G 5
 
 130 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 droll recollections, criticisms, satiric reflections, 
 and daily gossip. 
 
 If the reader should feel inclined to join us 
 at table, he will find the repast for so small a 
 party very simple from first to last. Rissoles? 
 volauvents, cotelettes {aux point es d'asperge^^fri- 
 candeau, — epigramme, macaroni, soufflet, cream 
 — will serve as a specimen. By the by, I must 
 just remark, that the cumbrous ornaments with 
 which some people think fit to decorate their 
 tables, are all in bad taste, and worthy only of 
 such persons as Lady Canterly. 
 
 We sit for a long time after dinner, our 
 chairs drawn close up to the fire, whenever the 
 weather is at all cold enough to require one : 
 and when it is almost out, we adjourn up- 
 stairs to the drawing-room, to be greeted with a 
 fine blazing flame, which makes my room look 
 so cheerful that it quite delights me. We ne- 
 ver suffer any dessert to be brought up after 
 dinner, but reserve any thing of this sort till 
 the tea-things are brought up. At about half 
 past nine o'clock, my little sooty page, Mungo, 
 brings up two cups of green tea (of which the
 
 AN OLD MAID. 131 
 
 weakest is for me — I am so apt to be nervous) 
 and a little tray with marmalade or some other 
 compote. After placing these on the table, he 
 lifts a large agate bowl from a side table, and 
 puts it down by the tray. Then exit my page 
 Mungo, whilst I take the lid of the bowl off. 
 Woe to its contents, should any urchin " let 
 loose from school,"" peep beneath its lid. There, 
 lurk dainty nick-nacks of a thousand descrip- 
 tions, and varieties of nicety : thence do I pro- 
 duce burnt almonds, orange chips, boxes of 
 bon-boiis, quaint little conundrums in the shape 
 of cakes, sweet biscuits, fingers, etcetera. With 
 one or two of these we amuse ourselves, till we are 
 inclined to direct our attention to something else. 
 This " something else" is generally a game 
 of cards — not chess — I am not fond of chess ; 
 it is the only thing that has power to ruffle my 
 sweet temper, and I cannot bear risking the 
 chance of having its harmony discomposed by 
 so unworthy a cause. For the same reasons, 
 Lady Kate prudently forbears meddling with 
 that game : and so by mutual consent we leave 
 it to greater philosophers than ourselves, and
 
 132 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 resort to ecarte, or perhaps cribbage, or some 
 other game at which two people can play. Our 
 stakes are never suffered to run high : we are 
 not 'dashing' enough to gamble ; nor are w^e am- 
 bitious of acquiring such a proficiency as might 
 induce such noble lords and gentlemen, as think 
 nothing of fleecing a new acquaintance out of 
 some " cool thousands" at a sitting, to lounge 
 over the backs of our chairs. So we confine 
 our gains and losses within the moderate 
 bounds of a guinea. As high as this, we deem 
 it worth while to venture, in order to keep up 
 a sufficient interest in the game : but we al- 
 ways manage, with the utmost amiability in the 
 world, to let our gains and losses be reciprocal. 
 This is but innocent pastime, and its harmless- 
 ness does not make it, to me at least, the less 
 agreeable. It would be better for certain ladies 
 of my acquaintance, if they observed similar 
 moderation in their card parties. Gaming, 
 however, in our sex, is not now, what it was in 
 Evelyn"*s time — or even, so late as that of the 
 
 Duchess of D . If I knew it to be so, I 
 
 should certainly have taken an opportunity of
 
 AN OLD MAID. 133 
 
 pointing the shaft of my satire against it ; as I 
 have done in other instances. 
 
 But 1 have forgotten to mention my room, 
 which I may call at once my drawing-room and 
 my boudoir, for it is scarcely large enough to 
 deserve the name of a drawing-room, and cer- 
 tainly too large to be, strictly speaking, a bou- 
 doir. It is a remarkably pretty apartment. 
 Its cheerfulness consists chiefly in the lightness 
 and elegance of pattern of the furniture, and 
 the reflection occasioned by two large looking- 
 glasses, at opposite ends of the room. A por- 
 trait of Lady Kate, by Harlowe, (a beauty,) 
 hangs on the left side of the fire-place, and one 
 of myself, by the same artist, on the other : 
 Alas I it is not quite finished , death snatched 
 off* the artist before he had rendered the por- 
 trait a perfect beauty. Of course, when I speak 
 of beauty in the portrait, I allude to the art- 
 ist's execution — not the charms it pourtrays — 
 let them speak for themselves. But I never 
 look upon that unfinished painting without the 
 most sincere regret that the artist's life was not 
 spared ; for being something of a connoisseuse in
 
 134 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the fine arts, it is my firm opinion he would one 
 day have rivalled Lawrence himself. 
 
 Then, over the little table on which stands my 
 agate bowl, there hangs a small and lovely 
 portrait, by a Spanish artist, of St. Cecilia. 
 There used once upon a time to hang up some- 
 where in the room, a portrait of my old brother, 
 by Zoffanni : I always considered it a frightful 
 harsh-coloured performance, and should have 
 been glad to see it out of the way ; but since a 
 certain quarrel, which has taken place between 
 my brother and myself, I did not hesitate at 
 once to dismiss the portrait from the room. 
 For some time it was thrown into the lumber- 
 room, when I directed the servant to get rid of 
 it : he accordingly gave it to a chimney-sweeper, 
 who, I believe, turned a penny by selling it for 
 the decoration of a sign-post ; unless I was mis- 
 informed, it now hangs up, or did hang up till 
 lately, as the sign of the Saracen's Head on a 
 place called Snow-hill. 
 
 Besides these specimens, I have two beauti- 
 ful full-length ' Sir Joshua's', down in the din- 
 ing-room. One of them Lady Kate made me 
 
 i
 
 AN OLD MAID. 135 
 
 a present of; she first sent it to my house 
 because she had not quite room to hang 
 it up in her own, which is nearly full of 
 paintings, of which she is as passionately fond 
 as myself. 
 
 Perhaps my readers think me too minute 
 in dwelling upon all these particulars : if I 
 am, I am sorry for it, but, being myself very 
 fond (as all my sex are) of sifting a story 
 to its dregs, I am silly enough to think 
 the same of my readers, and shall therefore 
 inform them that my curtains are of rose- 
 colour — my favourite colour. The paper of 
 the room matches with this, only that it is 
 perhaps a shade darker : two or three hand- 
 some old white and green china vases stand 
 between the windows ; and the balcony with- 
 out is filled with camelias and mignonette, 
 geraniums, and pinks. These flowers I take 
 great pleasure in looking at and watering; so 
 that, when by myself, I have a good deal 
 of occupation, besides that of my romantic 
 contemplations. What with romantic morn- 
 ings, cheerful evenings, pictures, flowers, and
 
 136 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the friendship of Kate, — the admiration of 
 the men, the jealousy of the women, my 
 httle spaniel, my toilette, and my natural 
 good-temper, where can a happier maid be 
 found than Clorinda Mirabelle ? 
 
 I don't know how it is, I always feel more 
 satisfaction in passing the evening at my own 
 house than at Lady Kate's ; whether there 
 or here, she is ever the same charming, good- 
 tempered, amusing companion ; but then her 
 room does not please me so much as my own. 
 The furniture is not so much to my taste, 
 although very elegant without doubt : her 
 rooms are both larger and of more handsome 
 proportions than mine, yet I prefer my own 
 house to hers, as much as I prefer her to any 
 other woman I know. 
 
 It sometimes happens that we are not in- 
 clined to play at cards ; if so, we then amuse 
 ourselves with looking over an album, which 
 Kate has made with my assistance. It 
 contains various effusions, all of our own com- 
 position, both in prose and poetry : odd anec- 
 dotes also we insert in it, descriptions of cos-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 137 
 
 tumes that have struck us in our summer 
 expeditions on the other side of the Channel. 
 These are embellished with an appropriate 
 design, either a landscape, or a figure, of the 
 costume of which is attached a description be- 
 low it; if the subject be droll, a caricature ge- 
 nerally stands at the top of the page. The 
 latter sort of drawing I leave to Lady Kate, 
 who is an excellent caricaturist. There is a 
 figure of myself in this style, as I generally 
 appear at an evening party ; and although I 
 am half inclined to be angry with her for draw- 
 ing it, yet it always disarms my displeasure by 
 its excessive drollery. 
 
 The album also contains other descriptions, 
 other characters and caricatures, which will 
 perhaps be reviewed at some future period, for 
 the amusement of my readers. All the land- 
 scapes are executed by myself: we both of us 
 paint prettily enough in water-colours, and I 
 am sure our album may boast of as much va- 
 riety, entertainment, humour, and originality, 
 as almost any bauble of its kind. In the sen- 
 timental portion of it, there is a fine figure of
 
 138 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Albert, with a beautiful Indian back-ground as 
 a relief. 
 
 Besides having our album to amuse us, we 
 have between us a casket of cameos — a collec- 
 tion common enough, I dare say, but these are 
 favourites ; as we brought them with us from 
 Rome, in our earliest visits to the Continent 
 after the Peace. But neither the casket, nor 
 the album with all its conceits, nor pictures, nor 
 flowers, nor cards, afford half the pleasure that 
 our conversation gives us ; when these are all 
 put by, the last will often keep us up till a late 
 hour, unconscious of the rapidity with which 
 the time flies. It is at length time to separate : 
 — Lady Kate's carriage has been long waiting 
 at the door, and each fair maiden wishes her 
 fellow, a " good night !" 
 
 ** x\nd rosy dreams, and slumbers light."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 139 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 AN INTERVAL OF ANXIETY AND EXPECTATION. 
 
 The next morning, at about half-past two 
 o'clock. Lady Kate called as usual, and we took 
 our drive : the day being very fine, we went to 
 Richmond. I enjoy going there to look down 
 from the hill upon the river and the valley im- 
 mediately below. It is but lately that we have 
 left off riding in Richmond Park : we used, 
 occasionally, by way of change, to drive out 
 there, and get upon our horses close by the 
 Park. I was once a most adroit horsewoman, 
 but do not now like taking exercise on horse- 
 back so well as in a carriage. 
 
 When we do not extend our flight so far as 
 Richmond, we content ourselves with a drive 
 in the Park, and then we have homage paid us
 
 140 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 by various gallant youths on horseback, who 
 come one after another, poking their heads in at 
 the window, to change one or two words with 
 us ; I am, now and then, not sorry to see them 
 get their heads rapped against the window- 
 frame. — We are sometimes besieged by these 
 gallants rather more than is agreeable : — it is a 
 sad misfortune, in some respects, for damsels to 
 be so interesting and handsome as Lady Kate 
 and myself are : my career has sufficiently 
 proved the truth of this. 
 
 My head was so intent upon the events of 
 next Thursday, (it was now Monday,) that, as 
 I have observed, I had no inclination for going 
 out anywhere in Ithe interval ; so my evenings 
 were passed with Lady Kate : and numerous 
 were our speculations on the beauty of the 
 spectacle, and the distinguished personages that 
 were to be present at it. A conversazione and 
 an invitation to see a party of children amused 
 by an Italian juggler, were declined on account 
 of my, perhaps childish, anxiety about the ball. 
 
 Anxiety was it, indeed ! for from this present 
 moment to that of the eventful evening of the
 
 AN OLD MAID. 141 
 
 gaieties, I can scarcely say how many consul- 
 tations there were between myself, Lady Kate, 
 and Eugenie, as to different parts of my dress. 
 What conflicting opinions were there, too, be- 
 tween us upon the comparative fascination of 
 my appearance in pink or white ! But pink 
 was the colour fixed on by the Miss Quizzetts 
 — a most delicate pink, like the first blush of 
 the opening rose-bud in Spring. Our gowns 
 were to be ornamented with a slanting chain of 
 white and red roses alternately, in front— ex- 
 cessively becoming to me! (I must really give 
 scope to my characteristic naivete.) As to the 
 arrangement of my hair, I consulted two or 
 three French hair-dressers about it at different 
 times. I ultimately resolved upon sending for 
 Isidore on the evening of the ball. I lost no 
 time in apprising the man that I should want 
 him " on Thursday next, — at such a particular 
 time :" — when he sent me back word, that he 
 had orders to wait on two hundred ladies or 
 more, before he could possibly come to me ; 
 since their orders were all previous to mine. 
 I was too angry to believe the man spoke the
 
 142 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 truth : the fact is, I suspect he did not much 
 relish the idea of dressing my hair, since the dye 
 with which it was saturated, used to stain his 
 fingers so, that he could scarcely make a decent 
 appearance to dress the hair of any other lady. 
 This I take to be the real reason of his excus- 
 ing himself from attending upon me. 
 
 Since, then, I was unable to procure Isidore 
 on the evening of the ball, I was determined 
 that he should come now and give Eugenie a 
 lesson, so that she might supply his place, 
 against that great occasion. Accordingly he 
 came: and the girl, adroit and clever as she 
 was, soon became mistress of the instruc- 
 tions he gave her ; so my heart was in some 
 measure at rest upon this point. As for 
 ornaments of dress, every thing was to be in 
 character : a wreath of roses was to adorn my 
 head, in the place of the diamond braid I 
 generally wear when I wish to look most bril- 
 liant and dazzling. (N. B. — This diamond- 
 braid was presented to me once on a time, as a 
 small token of attachment from a noble and
 
 AN OLD MAID. 143 
 
 despairing lover.) Whether I shall wear my 
 large necklace of topazes, I do not know : they 
 give my skin an eclat certainly — of that I am 
 sure. I must consult Lady Kate about wearing 
 them or not. 
 
 Eugenie admires ray ball-shoes, pale pink, 
 with a white rose at the instep. She is struck 
 with the pretty minnikin size of my foot — silly 
 child ! I fancy she wishes to flatter — she says 
 that it is the prettiest she has seen in her life : 
 she does not make a bad use of her eyes either, 
 generally speaking. Eugenie certainly is a 
 girl of taste : she admires me uncommonly, and 
 always says I am in good taste, and very dis- 
 tinguished in my appearance. Now I like this 
 — ^because it is candid in the girl. A moment 
 ago I called it flattery, but I am willing to 
 change my mind ; Eugenie is too sensible a 
 girl to flatter. 
 
 Will these little remarks on my own person 
 make me incur the imputation of vanity. If 
 they do, alas ! what defence can a sprightly 
 and engaging maiden offer, but by an appeal to
 
 144 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 her want of sophistication, natural naivete, and 
 perfect ingenuousness of disposition ? Are the 
 playful observations which she makes on her- 
 self to be called by so harsh a term, as that of 
 " vanity ?*" — rather consider them as so much 
 pretty and becoming self-complacency. 
 
 I could obtain but little sleep on the night 
 preceding the looked-for day of the gaieties. I 
 remained awake, and heard the clock on the stair- 
 case strike every succeeding hour from one till 
 four. Four hours of sleeplessness, — not tedious 
 indeed, but anxious, — did I endure. They were 
 spent in thinking over my dress, my appearance, 
 my figure, my tout-ensemhle. First did my 
 thoughts turn upon the glitter and glare, the 
 din and gaiety of the ball-room — now upon the 
 elegant figure of my partner, Arthur Quizzett, 
 " making the agreeable," by my side— -now they 
 contemplated his sisters on the opposite side of 
 the set, one of whom had as her partner, the 
 Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz Hum- 
 graussen Theodoric GgouszkerzschofF Von 
 Blosterbomb.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 145 
 
 At about a quarter past four o'^clock I fell 
 into an agreeable slumber, and reviewed in my 
 dream all that I had just been ruminating on, 
 and what is curious, with more minuteness 
 even than before ; to be sure the sleeping dream 
 was not quite so systematic as the waking 
 dream had been, but hurried me backwards 
 and forwards, now to my looking-glass from 
 the ball-room, now to the ball from the dress* 
 ing-room : — here, I saw Eugenie all solicitude 
 and adroitness ; — there, I viewed my partner 
 all smiles and attention at my side. A thousand 
 mirrors sprung up before me, behind me, by 
 ray side, above, below, reflecting my form, and 
 extorting from me a confession of its elegance. 
 I receded — still they exhibited my retiring 
 graces. The dance was now in operation— the 
 music sounded in my ears— my heart beat with 
 satisfaction — when suddenly a hubbub seemed 
 to spring up, and a confusion to ensue : the 
 gaieties were all at once obscured by some 
 cloud of mishap, as I thought — what it was, 
 I had not time to learn— for I was suddenly 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 U6 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 aroused by Eugenie, just as I was on the verge 
 of the catastrophe — she was gently pulling the 
 sleeve of my bed-gown to awaken me. 
 
 As soon as she had effected her purpose of 
 unclosing my eye-lids, she asked me if I knew 
 what oVlock it was. 
 
 " No ; what o'clock is it ? it cannot be very 
 late — you have awakened me from such a de- 
 lightful dream." 
 
 " It is time it were finished then," replied 
 Eugenie ; " for it is half-past two o'clock." 
 
 " Past two, Eugenie ! Good gracious, then, 
 let me get up immediately ! Is Madame De- 
 lia here with my dress !" 
 
 " Yes, she is, indeed — she has been here this 
 full half hour. What could have made you 
 sleep so long this morning, Miss Mirabelle, 
 may I ask ?" 
 
 " I had no sleep, child, last night ; that is 
 to say, not till four o'clock — my thoughts were 
 ?o occupied by all that is to happen to-day, or 
 rather to-night. But give me my dressing-gown ; 
 I must get up without further delay.'' 
 
 I slipped on a pair of pale grey silk stock-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 14)T 
 
 ings, and put on my dressing-gown. Eugenie 
 asked if she should bring up Madame Delia : 
 this I desired her to do directly, and at the 
 same time to let me have breakfast as soon 
 as possible. 
 
 She had scarcely gone out of the room when 
 my eye glanced upon the dial of my watch, which 
 at night, when I go to bed, I place in a blue 
 morocco stand. The hour was later than Eu- 
 genie had said. I could not repress an invo- 
 luntary exclamation of surprise and discomfi- 
 ture at the advancement of the day ; for late it 
 was, when I considered that I had various ne- 
 cessary commissions to perform, with reference 
 to the circumstances of the coming evening. So 
 I was anxious, as soon as I could finish trying 
 on the dress, — not to mention composing myself 
 afterwards from the nervousness attendant on 
 such a ceremony, — to order the carriage and 
 forth on my commissions. 
 
 Up came Eugenie, accompanied by Madame 
 Delia : the full-length stand glass was placed 
 in the most advantageous light. Eugenie fixed 
 it in the best position, while Madame Delia and 
 
 h2
 
 148 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 myself proceeded to put on the dress. After 
 she had fully arranged it upon me, but not till 
 then, I ventured to direct my eyes to the glass, 
 timidly inquiring of it, the account it should 
 give me of my appearance ; — but I was relieved 
 from all apprehensions at the first glance — the 
 dress became my figure, and my figure the 
 dress, to a miracle. It looked quite enchant- 
 ing ! Madame Delia was dismissed with smiles, 
 praises, and approving nods of the head, — 
 Eugenie and herself having assisted in taking 
 off the dress again, and depositing it with due 
 care in the most spacious region of my ward- 
 robe. 
 
 The carriage was ready at the door the mo- 
 ment I had finished dressing. I will confess 
 to my reader, that the object of my expedition 
 was to provide myself with a fresh supply of 
 the peculiar hair-staining essence, or dye, before 
 mentioned. There is no one item which tends 
 to swell out my perfumer's bill to such an 
 amount as this ; having a fine thick head of 
 hair, I consume a great quantity of the dye to 
 darken it properly. If possible, the dye is a lit-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 149 
 
 tie too blue — rather too much of a purple tint. 
 Still there is no reason in the world that this 
 should be unbecoming. A " blue beard," as it 
 is called, in a man, is admired as a most beauti- 
 ful feature : why then should not hair of a blue 
 tint be as becoming when on the head, as on 
 the chin ? There is no reason whatever why it 
 should not. 
 
 But this purpleness of tint on my head, leads, 
 by means of combination, to other and more 
 striking effects ; for as I always put a certain 
 portion (a judicious portion, of course,) of 
 rouge to my cheeks, the hues of the purple and 
 the red become apparently blended together, 
 and between them, cast upon my complexion 
 the hue of an Orleans plum — or as gardeners 
 call that fruit, an '' ar/ame."* It is certainly 
 a very original charm, and never fails to attract 
 the attention of all present. If I did not feel 
 that it elicited admiration as well as attracted 
 attention, I should not continue to wear it ; 
 but as I am too confident of this to be mista- 
 
 * By the by, the French name for the white buUace plum 
 is, '* la mirabelle.*'
 
 150 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 ken, I look forward to its forming as great an 
 attraction at the ball, as it did the other day at 
 Lord Frippington's dinner party. This it was, 
 no doubt, that excited such a sensation on my 
 announcement, and assisted in inspiring Arthur 
 Quizzett to show me those very marked atten- 
 tions, that he was this evening to renew. 
 
 Having provided myself with a cargo of the 
 essence, and some few other cosmetics, I pro- 
 ceeded to the arduous duties of my toilette. 
 I shall not put the reader's soul on tlie rack by 
 a detail of all mv suiTerincrs in that undertaking: 
 — my nervousness, anxiety, the pains I took 
 and the time I exhausted — time, alas ! would 
 there had been a little more of it ! With some 
 parts of my dressing, I am distressed to think 
 it, I was obliged to hurry : but, on the whole, 
 its termination beheld me shining with a lustre 
 of beauty and becomingness, tliat was far more 
 striking this evening than it had been on that 
 of Lord Frippington's party. Conceive me, 
 after the combined efforts of Eugenie and my- 
 self, equipped in all the adscititious graces of 
 fashion, and distinguished in those that were
 
 AN OLD MAID. 151 
 
 natural to me. Conceive me, engaged be- 
 fore the looking-glass in the drawing-room, 
 now glancing my eye hastily over my figure, 
 now gratifying myself with a more deliberate 
 gaze, twirling myself about in all attitudes, 
 advancing, receding — receding, advancing — paus- 
 ing, approaching, and pausing again. A full 
 half hour witnessed me scrutinizing my ap- 
 pearance, now approving it piecemeal — now 
 dwelling on the effect of every grace of dress 
 and person combined — now admiring the ar- 
 rangement of the head — now the set of the dress 
 — the slanting chain of roses in front and ele- 
 gance of the flounces — now the prettiness of my 
 shoes — my gloves — the arms on which they 
 were drawn — the graceful fall of the shoulders 
 — the slimness of the waist — Hogarth's line of 
 beauty, so conspicuous in my neck — the gentle 
 swelling of my bosom — the modest protrusion 
 of my stays, that bespoke me not too much 
 embonpoint, but still of a fair and becoming 
 plumpness, such as Rubens would have de- 
 lighted to dwell upon, as a model for the figure 
 of a Virgin Mary. I say, conceive all this.
 
 152 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Conceive an air of distinction pervading the 
 whole appearance that I have described. See 
 my eye lighten with satisfaction at the contem- 
 plation of myself, and the smile (which I chid 
 as it arose) more than half inclined to display 
 itself. See my countenance alter all at once — 
 behold my frame thrill for a moment with timid 
 agitation (not indeed painful), while my fea- 
 tures are betraying a transitory expression of 
 nervousness, as the loud double rap thundering 
 at my door, proclaims that my party have called 
 to take me up on their way to the ball.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 153 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 THE EVENTFUL EVENING. 
 
 How pleased my partner seemed to see me ! 
 His countenance strikingly wore that satisfied 
 look that shows itself when any agreeable 
 expectation has been answered more fully than 
 our hopes had presaged. He, no doubt, found 
 me looking handsomer than he had ever 
 reckoned on. 
 
 There were two carriages : one was occupied 
 by Lady Frippington and the three Misses 
 Quizzett ; the other by Lord Frippington, 
 myself, and my partner, Arthur Quizzett. 
 
 My dress, luckily, did not get rumpled ; we 
 proceeded so slowly in consequence of the great 
 line of carriages, in about the middle of which 
 
 H 5
 
 154 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 we were, that all motion quicker than a mere 
 crawl, was prevented. Now and then we were 
 sensible of a jolt, as the coachman availed him- 
 self of any little vantage ground that might at 
 intervals be conceded him — as the foremost 
 carriages were discharging their freights, and 
 wheeling off to make room for those in their rear. 
 
 Not the satisfaction of a warrior after he has 
 received the thanks of a nation for a victory 
 — nor that of a witty author after having con- 
 cluded a sentence with one of his brightest 
 sallies — not the joys of a gourmand over the 
 delicacies of his plate — of an artist over some 
 choice and cherished gem of his cabinet — could 
 exceed mine, as I was ushered into the wide 
 spectacle of splendour, fashion, and gaiety, by 
 my gallant partner, Arthur Quizzett. 
 
 Our entry attracted immediate attention : 
 all eyes were particularly turned upon myself. 
 I could see by the smile of admiration what 
 an effect my appearance produced. What with 
 the striking sort of purple complexion which I 
 have described myself as possessing, — the colour 
 of my hair — the superiority which my maturer
 
 AN OLD MAID. 155 
 
 charms had over the comparatively babyish 
 prettiness of the Misses Quizzett, I do not won- 
 der at the admiration I awakened. 
 
 " A very fine girl that !" I fancied I over- 
 heard Sir William Jokington remark to a per- 
 son near him. — '* An amazing eclat about her 
 countenance/' replied the other, with his eyes 
 turned up to the great chandelier over our 
 heads. — " You will not see such another figure 
 in the whole salon," rejoined the Colonel, put- 
 ting his glass up to his eye, and looking round 
 the tiers of boxes which were crowded with 
 rank and beauty. 
 
 The Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz 
 Humgraussen Theodoric GgauszkerzschofF Von 
 Blosterbomb, had now strutted up to Lady 
 Frippington and her daughters, bowing and 
 curling up his sandy mustachios, with a most 
 frightful grimace. After saying two or three 
 words to Lady Frippington, he asked Lucy 
 Quizzett to dance. The other two, Sophia and 
 Caroline, were already leaning on the arms of 
 George Arven and Lord William, and it was 
 not long before " the Spring Season" (by far
 
 156 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the most elegant and tasteful set in the whole 
 salon) stood up and formed a quadrille. I 
 shall not, of course, dwell on a description of 
 myself in the dance ; but let the reader ima- 
 gine me sailing in conscious dignity through 
 " Vtte,^' or holding my arm gracefully up 
 in the chain of " la poule.'''' Now, if the 
 reader be one of my own sex, let her read 
 without envy. Unmoved, let her view my form, 
 twirling about in the rigadoon step, instead 
 of the balancez ; — I cannot help still dancing 
 that rigadoon, having been used to it from 
 a child in the old cotillons. 
 
 If the reader be a gentleman, let him pause 
 over this picture, either in mute admiration, 
 or with exclamations of delight, as it may suit 
 him — let him conceive the fascination of my 
 look as it beamed with approbation of my 
 partner's gallantry, whether in advancing hand 
 in hand, at the commencement of the figure, 
 or at its conclusion — let him wish himself in 
 that partner''s place, touching the soft kid that 
 enfolded my taper fingers, and smiling with a 
 consciousness of the distinction which he enjoyed.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 157 
 
 I doubt whether those elegant girls, the 
 Misses D , in the same set with me, (cou- 
 sins of the Quizzetts) attracted so much notice 
 as myself; though they are persons whom all 
 must admire. 
 
 I must say for young Quizzett that he really 
 danced his best that evening ; he was all cheer- 
 fulness, all sprightliness and satisfaction : it 
 would have been very odd if he had not been 
 so — a beautiful spectacle around him, and a 
 fair partner at his side I What more could a 
 man wish for ? He must indeed have been 
 made of harsn materials, had he not been ani- 
 mated into gaiety by such incentives. 
 
 The Baron Van Blosterbomb was decidedly 
 jealous. I saw him cast two or three looks 
 at Arthur Quizzett, that bespoke there was 
 something more passing in his mind than he 
 would have wished to express, but which he 
 could in vain hope to conceal by his counte- 
 nance. 
 
 After the quadrille I walked round the room, 
 or theatre, leaning on the arm of my partner : 
 I looked about for Lady Kate, but could not
 
 158 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 see her at that moment. I met numerous 
 acquaintance of distinction. The Royal Prin- 
 cesses were presiding over the gaieties, as ladies 
 patronesses of the entertainment. Of course 
 every body of distinction was present; but I 
 flatter myself that nobody attracted more no- 
 tice than myself. 
 
 A valtz now succeeded, to the satisfaction of 
 the Baron Altamont Holbrachen Gustafliiz 
 Humgraussen Theodoric GgauszkerzschofF 
 Von Blosterbomb, who straddled up to me, 
 grinning from under his sandy mustachios, and 
 politely solicited the honour of valtzing with me. 
 
 Sweet man ! affable diplomatist ! though his 
 mustachios were diabolical, yet his manners 
 were fascinating. With an inclination of my 
 head, turned graciously, and gracefully too, 
 on one side, — a gentle protrusion of the chin, — 
 drawing down my mouth with a pretty pout- 
 ing smile, — I conferred the honour solicited 
 of me, and placed my arm in that which the 
 gallant Von Blosterbomb offered me. 
 
 The music soon set the couples in motion. 
 The Baron led with me. The bystanders must
 
 AN OLD MAID. 159 
 
 have had a charming treat ! Myself, such as I 
 have pour tray ed myself — the Baron, dressed 
 for the occasion, in full uniform, — whiskered, 
 booted, and spurred :— by the by, his spurs 
 once or twice slightly grazed my heel, and 
 made me feel an inclination to ejaculate ; but 
 the brave fellow grinned in my face, as much 
 as to say, '' You must expect this in waltzing 
 with a militar}^ German Baron !" Then his 
 flaming red — (what shall I call them ? — dear ! 
 dear ! — there is no other word — so not to mince 
 the matter, I must say at once) — ^breeches, that 
 fitted beautifully tight ! — a gold-laced jacket, 
 that came down to his waist, terminating behind 
 in a bob-tail, surmounted by two sugar-loaf 
 buttons — all gave him such a noble air. If he 
 had bent himself a hetle less forward, towards 
 his partner, and a leetle less backward towards 
 the ring of spectators, his attitude would have 
 been perfect. 
 
 The valtz was no sooner over, than we se- 
 ceded from the ring, of which we had been the 
 ornament, to walk about and converse, for as 
 to sitting down it was impossible ; there was
 
 160 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 no such thing as a seat to be had, and the 
 trouble of fighting our way up to a box, was 
 too great to be worth our while to encounter, 
 though there was a place for me in that which 
 Lady Kate''s friends occupied. 
 
 We conversed in French : the Baron spoke, not 
 the best English, nor much Italian, and I, not 
 a word of German. While I was yet thinking 
 of my friend Kate, my eye lit upon her form ; 
 she was standing leaning against the pillar by 
 the side of the stage, engaged in endeavouring to 
 stifle the propensity to merriment about some- 
 thing or other. As this was just in her silly 
 way, I thought little about it, especially as 
 there were two or three gentlemen whom I 
 knew to be facetious characters, talking with 
 her. 
 
 I begged the Baron to come up towards her : 
 he had been introduced to her, although their 
 acquaintance was but slight. When I had ap- 
 proached quite close to her, she said some- 
 thino; to me in a low voice — at the ter- 
 mination of which, she put her handkerchief 
 up to her mouth, to prevent herself from
 
 AN OLD MAID. 161 
 
 laughing — while I was as nearly bursting into 
 tears. I preserved my composure for a mo- 
 ment, and begged of her to withdraw with me, 
 and suffer me to speak a word with her. She 
 did so. I had no sooner passed beyond the 
 pale of the gaieties, than I gave vent to my 
 feelings of mortification, by bursting outright 
 into tears, which it was no longer in my power 
 to repress. 
 
 Lady Kate, who was an excellent-hearted 
 creature, forgot her merriment in compassion 
 for my distress, and with her own hand ap- 
 plied her handkerchief to my eyes. By the 
 assistance of one of the gentlemen who had 
 been talking with her, she managed to find her 
 servant, and get me safe off in the carriage. It 
 was long before I could recover my composure, 
 in spite of all my friend's consolatory exhorta- 
 tions to be pacified, and not to mind what had 
 happened — that it would be forgotten the next 
 day. But her consolation was of no avail : my 
 mortification could not be so easily appeased, 
 or my chagrin dissipated. For weeks and 
 weeks I secluded myself from society, and was
 
 162 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 confined within my own doors by indisposition, 
 as well as shame and confusion ; for weeks and 
 -vveeks did I continue to upbraid Eugenie, for 
 the dreadful oversight, the inexcusable stupidity 
 — the wilful malice, as I termed it in my distress 
 — of which she had been guilty. 
 
 Let the reader judge for me, whether I, who 
 had fancied myself so much admired on the 
 evening's festivities just now described — fancy- 
 ing myself, too, well worthy of such admiration 
 — flattering myself that all the pains I had 
 taken at my toilette were not in vain — that the 
 observation I had excited had been attracted 
 solely by my charms — that no other cause than 
 this had inspired the gallantry of my partners : — 
 let him judge, I say, whether I had not just 
 cause for mortification, when I discovered that 
 instead of all this, I had been an object of uni- 
 versal ridicule — that the whole company had been 
 amusing themselves at my expense — that my 
 partners had only played a part, in showing me 
 off to their gaze and mockery ; for, will it be be- 
 lieved ! I had actually omitted to No, I have 
 
 not courage myself io describe the cause of my
 
 AN OLD MAID. 163 
 
 grief and humiliation ; I must transcribe the 
 catastrophe from the newspapers, which were 
 full of little else but jokes on the subject, for 
 a whole week afterwards. The following is a 
 specimen of these obnoxious paragraphs, ex- 
 tracted from a morning paper : — 
 
 " The celebrated elderly maiden lady, with 
 whom all the world is acquainted, without the 
 necessity of our giving her initials, made rather 
 a singular mistake at her toilette on the evening 
 of the late grand ball. She presented a most 
 curious appearance, which we can describe by 
 HO other term than that of ' pie-bald.'' Every 
 one who has any acquaintance with her pe- 
 culiarities, must be aware that the lady in 
 question uses Essence of Tyre to disguise the 
 snows with which invidious Time has sprinkled 
 her locks ; but, by an unhappy oversight, only 
 the front part of her head appeared coloured 
 on the evening in question, forming rather a 
 curious contrast to its hinder part, which still 
 was left in its wintry livery of grey. She 
 certainly deserves the thanks of the public for 
 the amusement which she has afforded them.
 
 164 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 We are confident that no farce, no burlesque, 
 no pantomime, ever more completely secured its 
 
 effect, than this oversight of La Belle M 
 
 We will say no more. We have heard it in- 
 deed observed, that ladies of a certain age, in a 
 state of single blessedness, are apt, on occasions, 
 to fortify their nerves with cordials. This we 
 believe to be a vulgar error. We can hardly 
 suppose that the lady in question forgot what 
 she was about at her toilette from any such cause. 
 Her head, perhaps, might have been turned, but 
 not with (we should hope not, at least, in her sta- 
 tion of life) any ' strong waters.' We recom- 
 mend more prudence in future ; and advise 
 other ladies, in a situation similar to that of 
 the subject of these comments, to take a warn- 
 ing by her example." — Morning Post. 
 
 This paragraph, I must further confess, is 
 copied by me, third hand, from a Sunday paper, 
 which had inserted it second hand, from the jour- 
 nal cited. Vulgar, scandalous sneers ! I could 
 not have incurred more derision had I been 
 guilty of a score oifaiix pas ! Alas ! that I slept 
 so late on the morning of the ball ! This was
 
 AN OLD MAID. 165 
 
 the unhappy cause of the scramble which the 
 whole remainder of the day presented ! Hurry 
 in dressing, and misfortune in conclusion ! 
 Heavens ! what lauffhin^ there must have 
 been at the club-houses in St. James's Street, 
 amongst the officers ! What envious laughter 
 at Lord Frippington's ! What tittering all 
 through the country ! Oh, good gracious ! I 
 was at the time nearly driven frantic at 
 the idea !^ 
 
 The circumstance of my malicious partner, 
 Arthur Quizzett, calling to see me on the morn- 
 ing after my disgrace, was as cruel as the ex- 
 posure itself of which I had to complain ; the 
 plaguing inquiries of all my acquaintance for a 
 whole week afterwards, were a torment. I had 
 
 * After all. Miss Mirabelle's exposure is not so bad as many 
 that could be instanced. Amongst all that might be recounted, 
 that of * La Muskerryy' in De Grammont, is, perhaps, the most 
 dreadful. In justice to the reader, the editor must observe, 
 that though the colouring in the present instance may be a little 
 heightened , yet that, generally speaking, the fair author's deli- 
 neations, particularly those relating to her own menage, or her 
 own peculiarities, (to say nothing of the characters on which her 
 satire is exercised) are actual portraits from existing originals.
 
 166 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 no peace — my street-door was assailed from 
 morning until night ; my house was one intole- 
 rable and upbraiding echo : my tears were 
 wiped from my eyes in vain — I was ashamed to 
 look even Lady Kate in the face — my old bro- 
 ther called — I would not see him. He came, 
 as he afterwards informed me by a note, to offer 
 me some consolation. Thousjh at first his visit 
 enraged and irritated me ; yet I have since had 
 an idea that his intentions were kind. I could 
 support the sight of no one — the smile that 
 would encounter me, or the distortion of the 
 muscles produced by endeavouring to suppress 
 it, would either of them be equally mortifying, 
 and too much for me to bear. Eugenie was 
 discarded, and was received by a lady who had 
 once or twice expressed her approbation of her : 
 all my servants, excepting the little black, Mun- 
 go, were dismissed, and new ones hired in their 
 places. Mungo not long afterwards left me, 
 and went to live in the service of Kate, who had 
 taken a fancy to him ; and instead of being my 
 page any longer, he became her's. 
 
 I determined on leaving town as soon as I
 
 AN OLD MAID. 167 
 
 could : to slay to the end of the season would 
 be more than I could endure. Change of scene 
 and place, I felt to be the only remedies in my 
 present state of agitation — the only means by 
 which I could hope to be brought to myself 
 again. Gracious ! dreadful is it to reflect on the 
 shocking exposure I had made of myself ! At 
 the time at which it happened, I really never 
 expected to recover from the shock it occasioned 
 me.
 
 168 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 A SHOPwT CHAPTER, BEING A BULLETIN OF 
 
 HEALTH. 
 
 Feightened, however, as I was, at the idea 
 of seeing any body else, I managed to summon 
 up courage enough to admit Lady Kate when 
 she called as usual. Her natural love of mis- 
 chief and malicious playfulness were now for- 
 gotten in her endeavours to console and put me 
 in spirits again. She was indeed a most kind- 
 hearted, compassionate creature, and on the 
 present occasion I do not know what I should 
 have done without her. 
 
 Alas i how blind are people to their own de- 
 fects ! I, who had so everlastingly found en- 
 tertainment in the oddities or absurdities of 
 others — of my old brother — of my cross, prud-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 169 
 
 ish cousin and her husband, of Sir Roger Tag, 
 and various others, was now crest-fallen myself, 
 and the object of public derision. 
 
 The good-humour and amiability of my 
 friend Kate brought me by degrees to myself 
 again, through the course of a long absence 
 from town, during which she accompanied me, 
 at first on the continent, and after our return, 
 to two or three places on the sea-coast. 
 
 So much did I regain my spirits and wonted 
 composure of mind, that on the commencement 
 of full season in town, I felt that I should have 
 sufficient confidence to make my appearance 
 again in society ; so I determined to put a good 
 face on the matter, and accept invitations as 
 before. Two or three elopements and a glaring 
 case of crim. con. served to keep my exposure 
 in countenance ; and the joke against me was 
 now growing weaker and weaker every day. I 
 therefore shunned the presence of nobody, only 
 with this diff*erence in my appearance, that I 
 discarded the use of Tyrian Essence, and con- 
 cealed my time-honoured, and essence dis-ho- 
 noured locks under a handsome cap, from be- 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 170 . CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 iieath which some becoming false curls supply 
 the place of my own : their colour is a dark 
 auburn. I have also left off rougeing, to the 
 extent I used to carry it, so that my complex- 
 ion has no longer that " plum bloom*" about 
 it, which it once had. If now and then I dab 
 on a little rouge, it is very sparingly and faintly 
 applied — scarcely perceptible, indeed. There 
 may be some excuse in my retaining the use 
 of this, since it is a habit to which I was early 
 reconciled, by seeing every body when 1 was 
 a child wear it as a matter of course. I 
 wonder people do not now do so : some few 
 perhaps do ; but not the generality. Rougeing 
 is a part of dress ^ the object of which is to make 
 the appearance as becoming as possible; and 
 if judiciously and slightly applied, rouge is a 
 most decided embellishment. 
 
 My appearance, as may easily be supposed, 
 is by these reductions in my toilette, conside- 
 rably altered—not to my own satisfaction, I can 
 assure my readers, although the world says, in 
 its carping way, that I have been brought to 
 my senses. I am certainly not nearly so fasci-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 171 
 
 Dating as I was before. I am not the young, 
 girlish-looking thing I used to be ; the change 
 of coiffure and decoration altogether, has robbed 
 me of at least twenty years in appearance. 
 Come ! come ! after all, I do not look so very 
 old — still, however, I look more like an old 
 
 maid now, than a young one Albert ! 
 
 Albert ! couldst thou now see me, what 
 wouldst thou say ? Alas ! cruel thought ! 
 
 My looking-glass now began to upbraid me, 
 and brought to my recollection the lines of 
 Prior, on the subject of regret over beauty 
 that has faded. I grew less fond of looking 
 at myself in it. It was some little time before 
 I could get reconciled to the cap and false curls. 
 I began to entertain serious thoughts of seced- 
 ing from the ' gay world,' and retiring to a 
 cottage which I purchased not long ago in the 
 country : — more of that hereafter. 
 
 On the whole, I am able to inform my friend, 
 the reader, (who I am sure at the end of the 
 preceding chapter must have been anxious about 
 the state of my nerves and my health,) that I 
 had recovered from the blow my spirits had 
 
 I 2
 
 172 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 sustained ; and though I went out less into so- 
 ciety than I had before been accustomed to do, 
 yet I was once again cheerful whenever I mixed 
 in it, and a fit companion for my dear, whim- 
 sical friend, liady Kate. 
 
 Let it not be a matter of surprise that I should 
 be restored to my wonted confidence, when we 
 see, every day, " knaves and fools," in the teeth 
 of the most gross exposures of their roguery and 
 absurdity, still showing themselves in the world, 
 armed in native brass, — kept too in countenance, 
 as they are, by thousands as impudent, absurd, 
 and knavish as themselves. Dear me ! how se- 
 vere my misfortunes have made me. It is no 
 wonder that I speak thus, under so strong an ex- 
 citation of feeling. The restitution of my con- 
 fidence, however, conveys a lesson with it, which 
 may be as well not thrown away — which is, 
 that in trivial, and pardonable instances of ex- 
 posure, such as my own, people should not be 
 too sensitive under derision — that they should 
 not suffer themselves to sink under the storm of 
 temporary obloquy : they will find things come 
 round in time, and their own lapses forgotten
 
 AN OLD MAID. 173 
 
 in those of their neighbours, who will, no doubt, 
 soon succeed them in the same slippery path. 
 Advice such as this, is of course not intended 
 to be addressed to those that can be guilty of 
 knavery and foolery of a grosser nature: I 
 mean, such as those to whom I alluded a mo- 
 ment ago ; they, however, have a great deal too 
 much impudence, too much shameless effron- 
 tery, ever to be in danger of sinking under any 
 obloquy, stigma, or derision, however strong 
 and however just.
 
 BOOK THE SECOND. 
 
 THE OLD maid's ROMANCE. 
 
 ** In questa guisa gradirei ciascuuo 
 Insidiator di mia virginitate, 
 Che tu dimandi amante, ed io, nemico." 
 
 Aminta.
 
 BOOK THE SECOND. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 INTRODUCTION. " LA BELLE MIRABELLE" 
 
 BETRAYS SYMPTOMS OF CRAZINESS. 
 
 " Why, dear me, Ma'am ! what can be the 
 matter with you this morning? Miss Mira- 
 belle ! .... Ma'am! .... Why, I 'm quite frighten- 
 ed ! .... Ma'am ! . . . . Miss Mirabelle ! I must 
 send for the medical men this instant, I 'm 
 sure ! . . . . Why you are surely ill this morning, 
 your hair too is all disarranged, and hanging 
 about your shoulders so !— and you look so 
 wild ! your eyes fixed first on the ceiling and 
 then on the paper before you — and writing so 
 fast .... I can't think what can ail you. Ma'am, 
 this morning. I shall not be easy till Mr. Dos- 
 ingdon has been ' fetched,' and Lady Katharine 
 too." 
 
 i^
 
 178 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Such were the expressions of surprise uttered 
 by my maid, Cautely, a decent, middle-aged 
 woman, whom I had lately engaged. She was 
 going out of the room to put her threats into 
 execution, when I called her back; and told her 
 that she might send for Lady Katharine if she 
 pleased, but that, as for the attendance of any 
 medical man, there was no necessity for it, as 
 I had nothing at all the matter with me, and 
 therefore begged that her fears might be quieted. 
 
 She looked very incredulous, in spite of my 
 assurances that I was perfectly well, and was 
 hardly satisfied with sending for Lady Ka- 
 tharine, in doing which, she lost no time. The 
 servant soon executed his commission : scarcely 
 had he returned, before her Ladyship made her 
 appearance. She hurried up stairs, and entered 
 my room almost out of breath, and looking 
 very eagerly at me. 
 
 " My dear Clorinda, I am quite alarmed : 
 your servant brought me word that my attend- 
 ance was required immediately, as you were 
 very ill and almost out of your mind." 
 
 I put down my pen, smiling at her uneasiness
 
 AN OLD MAID. 179 
 
 about me, telling her not to be frightened : 
 that I was not out of my mmd, and was really 
 inclined to be angry with Cautely for sending 
 her any such exaggerated message. 
 
 " Well, really,'' replied Kate, *' I do not 
 wonder at the woman's mistake ; you look most 
 singularly strange this morning. What freak can 
 have come into your head ?"*"' 
 
 " Why, if you wish to know what I am 
 about, I am writing a romance." 
 
 " A romance ! gracious ! but why could you 
 not have completed your toilette before you 
 sat down to write ? I do really think that you 
 are a little cracked." 
 
 " No such thing," said I, much amused, ar- 
 ranging my dishevelled locks under a cap as I 
 spoke ; "all this disorder proceeds from the 
 hurry in which I was to indite my thoughts — 
 (I am but following the example of Mrs. Rad- 
 clifFe. Joanna Baillie, Miss Edgeworth, Lady 
 Morgan, and other great blues) — if I had not 
 made haste, they might, perhaps, have evapo- 
 rated, and I should have lost a pretty begin- 
 ning that I had hit upon."
 
 180 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 C6 
 
 Upon my word," replied Lady Kate, 
 your romance ought to be very precious 
 after all this anxiety in its birth ; — and, pray, 
 who is your hero ?" 
 
 " There will be many heroes ; but no hero 
 par excellence.''''. 
 
 '' What ! no hero ?" 
 
 *' No, — yes, — perhaps there may be, too : — 
 but" the principal person is a heroine.** 
 " Well, then, who is your heroine ?"" 
 " Why, who should she be but myself!" 
 " Yourself ! Oh ! you are penning a little 
 piece of autobiography in a romantic shape ? 
 A pretty idea, no doubt ; but what put it into 
 your head to set about such a thing ?" 
 
 " You know, I go out much less than I used 
 to do ; and as I have often thought of amusing 
 myself by reviewing, on paper, the past scenes 
 of my life, which have really a good deal of 
 interest about them, I thought I might as well 
 employ my time in this way as in any other." 
 
 " I suppose that by ' reviewing the scenes of 
 your past life,' you mean that you are about to 
 recall the absurdities of those charming gentle-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 181 
 
 men, whose portraits hang up over the mantel- 
 piece in your bed-room ? Is that it ?" 
 
 " Why, certainly, I cannot omit making 
 them a prominent feature in any history of 
 myself, and shall assuredly not spare their 
 follies." 
 
 "But you can never make them all figure 
 on your pages."" 
 
 " Oh, no ! not half of them. I shall confine 
 myself to speaking of those only who have 
 any peculiar character about them." 
 
 " You will do rightly — but is your work 
 to be entirely comic, or rather comic satire ; 
 or is it to be both tragic and comic alter- 
 nately ?'' 
 •J 
 
 " I suppose it will be chiefly comic, or, as 
 you suggest, a comico- satiric romance, since 
 I have to deal with so many absurd and ludi- 
 crous persons; but previously to launching into 
 the middle of their vagaries and my own, I 
 intend being serious for a time." 
 
 " Why, Clorinda, is it possible you can ever 
 be serious ?" 
 
 " To be sure I can, when I please ; how can
 
 182 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 I help being so, when I revert to scenes which 
 are in themselves painful to my recollection ? 
 You do not suppose that the vanities of dissipa- 
 tion have rendered me so completely vapid that 
 I am not capable of a serious thought ?" 
 
 " Oh, no ! I have too much opinion of your 
 sense when you think proper to exercise it : — 
 nay, some few months ago, I was thinking that 
 you had been rendered so marvellously sober, 
 that you had forgotten not only the vanities 
 you speak of, but your romantic inclinations as 
 well." 
 
 " I was, indeed, sobered at the period to 
 which you revert; and who would not have 
 been so, by such an exposure as I suffered ? 
 But no temporary shock, however severe, can 
 stifle the romantic spirit which is natural to me. 
 It is not my fault that I am romantic — I can- 
 not help being so." 
 
 " Well, keep your romance within steady 
 bounds."" 
 
 " That, I promise you, I will, — until the pe- 
 riod arrives at which I can let it out without 
 full effect, in all its "
 
 AN OLD MAID. 183 
 
 " Fantasticality^^'' said Kate, as she finished 
 the sentence for me. 
 
 " You are laughing at my undertaking too 
 soon ; that is unfair. Now, I assure you, on my 
 word, Kate, I do not intend treating you with 
 either fantasticality or mock-sentimentality for 
 some time ?" 
 
 " Indeed !"' replied Kate, looking more se- 
 rious, " then you are really going to attempt 
 the true romantic style for some little time. I 
 am glad to hear it, and will, therefore, address 
 you more in earnest : I could not tell hitherto 
 whether you were joking or not." 
 
 " But, my dear Kate," I continued abruptly, 
 " you must not talk to me any more at present, 
 either seriously or jocosely, or I shall lose my 
 train of thought, and the thread of my story. 
 So you must positively not interrupt me until I 
 can speak to you : there, pray amuse yourself 
 in any way that best suits you." 
 
 " But let me see what you have written?" 
 said she. 
 
 " Oh, I have not written much yet." 
 
 " Well, never mind, let me see what you 
 have written.""
 
 184 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 (( 
 
 There !" I replied, handing her as much 
 of the MSS. as I had accomplished; "now 
 you must really let me continue without any 
 more interruption.**' 
 
 " Why, there is a good deal of it," she ob- 
 served, as she took the sheets from my hand. 
 
 " Yes, I was occupied the best part of last 
 night in writing, being in the humour for it.*' 
 
 I said no more, but continued my labours, 
 while Kate commenced conning what is forth- 
 with submitted to my readers.* 
 
 * It should be observed, that independent of the object of 
 this second book, as expressed in the above introduction, it 
 also serves as the basis of various events that take place in 
 the Tliird and Fourth Books. The introductions of these 
 three books were written at the same time at which the books 
 themselves were, and not subsequently prefixed, as in the 
 instance of the introduction of the First Book. — CM.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 185 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 A RETROSPECT OF THE SPRTNG-TIME OF LIFE. 
 
 SpRiGHTLy as I may be even at this certain 
 age at which I have arrived, yet Httle do I ap- 
 pear so, in comparison with the hght-hearted 
 thing I once was, when the tide of animal 
 spirits was at its height, when the happy sea- 
 son of life was its fifteenth summer — when no 
 foot mounted the hill-side more nimbly than 
 my own, or brushed away its dews more light- 
 ly — when there was none of all my cotem- 
 poraries whose locks wantoned more gracefully 
 in the breeze, whose voice was softer or more 
 musical^ — whose eye was more arch and spark- 
 ling — who was more animated in the dance, 
 gayer at the festival, more engaging in the 
 domestic circle — more cheerfully content when
 
 186 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 roaming whither happy thoughtlessness might 
 lead, through verdant meadows, or shady cop- 
 pices, culling the violet at the tree's foot, 
 where it shrunk concealed in the wet mosses 
 and wild ivy . . . None was there more devoted 
 to the elegant indulgences of the mind ; more 
 sincere in the worship of genius, more sensible 
 of the enchantments of poetry, the harmony of 
 measure ; more awed too by the precepts of wis- 
 dom : none either, whose heart was more alive 
 to the voice of affection, the sympathies of 
 friendship, the sacred sensibilities of charity. 
 
 That the retrospect of this happiest period of 
 life should affect me, is natural : I view it with 
 sensations similar to those produced by the con- 
 templation of a far-stretching and sunny land- 
 scape, whether witnessed in the face of Nature's 
 wide portraiture, or in the magic imitations of a 
 Claude, — which binds us long to the spot, to lin- 
 ger over its beauties ; and awakens in the soul 
 a tranquil regret when we have at last prevailed 
 on ourselves to quit it ! 
 
 I had not yet made acquaintance with the 
 world; my knowledge of society was confined
 
 AN OLD MAID. 187 
 
 to the circle of my own family ; I was ac- 
 quainted with none but domestic scenes, and 
 the intercourse of relatives and friends. I was 
 free as a deer, in inclination and in limb, to 
 indulge in what innocent pursuits I liked ; 
 at what times I liked ; and to wander about 
 as the waywardness of my fancy prompted me. 
 When I state this, I think it will scarcely 
 be wondered at that my character should have 
 imbibed a spirit of romance, even had it not 
 been natural to me, — which it was. 
 
 My sisters were smiling on me, and bidding 
 me look forward to the new scenes of gaiety 
 to which I should soon accompany them, to 
 balls more crowded than those at my father's 
 mansion; to dinners, concerts, and assemblies. 
 My heart was panting for the hour when I was 
 to be " out," as it is called. The anxiety 
 about my appearance, which at a more ad- 
 vanced period of my life may be viewed with 
 ridicule or censure, was now excusable; my 
 vanity was puzzling itself in what dress I 
 should make my first appearance. — Though
 
 188 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 it may appear childish, yet I cannot help re- 
 membering how much my fancy had been taken 
 with a pair of blue satin shoes, with fihgree 
 work below the instep, which one of my sisters 
 had; and which was just at that time in fa- 
 shion :^ nor have I forgotten the delight with 
 which I tried on a pair that had been made 
 for me after their model. — A portion of every 
 day was devoted to arranging my hair in the 
 manner which would show off the prevailing 
 fashion with the greatest becomingness. Such 
 and such a curl was again and again placed and 
 replaced a little forwarder or more backward, 
 a little higher or lower, as my fanciful doubts 
 alternately suggested. My glass was repeat- 
 edly consulted as to my looks, my countenance, 
 my complexion, my carriage : with difficulty 
 could I quit my station before it : if I did, it 
 was to observe with what grace of step and 
 air I could recede, and then so satisfied was 
 I with myself, that I could not forbear coming 
 
 • Miss Mirabelle need not be at any great pains to excuse 
 herself : the childish reminiscences of Rousseau, and even 
 Goethe, are a thousand times less excusable than hers. — Ed-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 189 
 
 close up to it again, to renew the satisfaction 
 of seeing myself again recede from it. At 
 last, when I tore myself away, my head was 
 still thrown back to catch a glimpse of the 
 elegance I had been studying, and the graces 
 which I hoped would challenge remark. 
 
 Let any girl, with the prospect of just " com- 
 ing out" to be criticised and examined, ask 
 herself if she does not indulge in the same 
 little vanities I have confessed of myself at 
 that period ? If she he handsome, to antici- 
 pate the admiration which her beauties will 
 elicit: if she be not handsome, in order to 
 endeavour to set off her appearance by the 
 most effective arrangement she can adopt. 
 
 It was on the verge of this eventful crisis 
 in a girl's life — it was on the dawn of this ac- 
 quaintance with worldly vanities — that a cloud 
 overshadowed my sun of gaiety: it was dark- 
 ened by mourning the most bitter. My eyes, 
 which had glistened in expectation of a new rou- 
 tine of happiness, were doomed to be moistened 
 with tears of anguish, the bitterest that can 
 try the heart of a child. Every bright vision
 
 190 CONFESSIOKS OF 
 
 that I had been cherishing, was suddenly ob- 
 scured by a sad reality. I was left with my 
 sisters without a guide, without an instructress — 
 I had almost said, without a friend — for what 
 kindness, what attention, can ever make up 
 for the endearing presence, the heartfelt solici- 
 tude, the tender assiduity of a mother ? 
 
 Three unhappy orphans, we were left to be- 
 wail our maternal loss, with the one bitter con- 
 solation of mutual regret. The hill side was 
 abandoned, the forest glade no more smiled for 
 us ; its green thickets had none of their wonted 
 freshnf :'S ; the merry orchard with its full 
 tribute of blossoms, smelt no longer sweet — 
 Nature looked no longer lovely. 
 
 How bitter was the first time that we walked 
 arm in arm, weeping and silent, on the lawn 
 where we had so often accompanied the mother 
 we had lost. Her image was still there, but 
 her countenance, her sweet approving smile, her 
 kindness no longer cheered us. What a deso- 
 lating blank spread itself before our souls: 
 what a sickening weight of grief hung upon our 
 hearts, and betrayed itself in our countenances !
 
 AN OLD MAID. 191 
 
 Change of scene could do little for us till after 
 a time. I well remember the mournfulness of 
 our journey as we quitted home on our way to 
 a relative in London. It was a cheerless, 
 dreary morning, and the dew-drops collected 
 by the mist, fell heavily and slowly from the 
 trees that overarched the road. Every now 
 and then a solitary crow flapped its wings slug- 
 gishly across our way. All Nature seemed 
 oppressed and in weeds; every thing looked 
 sorrowful, desolate, and unhappy like ourselves. 
 Our journey being at its conclusion, we were 
 landed, silent and with aching hearts, at the 
 door of our aunt, Mrs. Elflyn, in Portman- 
 square.
 
 19^ CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 AN APPEAL TO THE HEAIIT OF AN ORPHAN 
 
 DAUGHTER. 
 
 The circumstances of this unhappy period 
 are so strongly impressed upon my mind, that 
 I may be excused pausing for a moment, to in- 
 dulge in a reflection or two which they suggest, 
 previous to introducing the readers to my re- 
 lative. 
 
 None but those who are, or have been, in the 
 situation in which I have described myself and 
 my sisters, can be sensible of all that we felt; 
 or know the extent of bitterness experienced by 
 a daughter in the destitution of that parent to 
 whom she most naturally looks up, for support 
 and protection. 
 
 With respect to my eldest sister, she had
 
 AN OLD MAID. 193 
 
 been for some months past under an engagement 
 of marriage ; myself and my second sister now 
 earnestly recommended her to emancipate her- 
 self from the domination of female relatives 
 (which is one of the miseries entailed on losses 
 such as ours), and direct her thoughts to the 
 alliance which she had in view. When I speak 
 of the " domination of female relatives," I 
 allude particularly to such only as we were now 
 about to encounter, from whose character, no 
 less than their nearness of affinity, we might 
 have reason to apprehend interference, and 
 perhaps of an arbitrary kind. 
 
 As for the alliance to which my sister was 
 looking, we were the more earnest in exhorting 
 her to think of its accomplishment, since it had 
 been approved of, and was so far rendered 
 sacred, by the sanction of that departed one, 
 who never advised any measure that she did not 
 consider as likely to conduce to our welfare or 
 happiness. 
 
 It was now that we felt what a difference 
 there is in the smile of a vc^eve friend, (to use 
 the language of the world,) and of a mother. 
 
 VOL. 1, K
 
 194 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Where could we now look for the sincerity which 
 we had found in her ? In whom could we re- 
 pose that confidence which we had felt due to 
 /ier, and which we had ever placed in her ? Sin- 
 cerity is the great attribute of a parent"'s affec- 
 tion : we know, we feel, we are sure that it is 
 not fickle, not professed, — that it dwells in the 
 soul, and that we may place confidence in it. 
 Sickening is it to contemplate the smile with 
 which a regard of mere professions masks itself: 
 painful and disgusting is it to see the mouth dis- 
 torted into a grimace with which the coimte- 
 nance cannot speak in concert. In whose bosom 
 could we now pour forth our anxiety or uneasi- 
 ness of mind ? To whom could we apply to dis- 
 pel its indecision or allay its disquiet ? Where 
 was now the friend to whom we had looked as 
 fondly, for correction of its deviation, as for en- 
 couragement of its laudable inclinations ? To 
 whom could we now impart our feelings as be- 
 fore ? 
 
 Alas ! the time was gone, when there was not 
 one little want, not a wish, however inconsider- 
 able, not one cause of disquiet the most trivial.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 195 
 
 not even one giddy whim, to which utterance 
 was not given as soon as it was conceived. Did 
 there yet chance to lurk unrevealed a lingering 
 thought of heaviness, it was detected by her who 
 saw into our hearts ; its confession was antici- 
 pated, and its sting disarmed : if it merited re- 
 proof, it was chid by admonition that derived 
 force from its very mildness : if it was deserving 
 of sympathy, it received it : if it asked for 
 consolation, sweet was the balm that was admi- 
 nistered for its assuagement : if it was need- 
 lessly cherished, the mind was at once disci- 
 plined to discourage it : if hopelessly, to aban- 
 don it. Every sentiment that proceeded from 
 a source like this, breathed of cheerfulness, con- 
 tent, or animation. Prudence, benevolence, wis- 
 dom, spoke in the voice of affection. What- 
 ever might be the burthen, our heart was never 
 constrained to retain it; it threw itself open, 
 and was, for the most part, instantly relieved of 
 its weight. 
 
 But now, amongst our relatives, however un- 
 disguised we might have wished to be, there was 
 much which we were obliged to suppress, and 
 
 K 2
 
 196 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 even at times to dissemble ; we found it in many 
 instances no longer in our power to be frank 
 and undisguised. We were obliged to be hypo- 
 critical in spite of ourselves; we were obliged 
 to stifle our wishes, to dissemble our uneasiness, 
 to disguise on many occasions our feelings, and 
 suppress our thoughts, or, at any rate, not to 
 give full expression to them. There is no feel- 
 ing so painful or so degrading to an ingenuous 
 mind as this sensation of concealment. We 
 were indeed at present strangers to happiness, 
 as much so as we had before been acquainted 
 with it. 
 
 The tear that would now and then involun- 
 tarily rise, would testify how much of our former 
 happiness we had lost, and silently declared the 
 fulness of our regret for all the ingenuous cheer- 
 fulness and freedom which we had once enjoyed. 
 The bird that spreads his wings in a cage, and 
 finds his flight impeded by the wires, is not 
 more a prisoner than we were. He regrets not 
 the use of his pinions more than w^e did the con- 
 straint of which I am complaining. What girl
 
 AN OLD MAID. 197 
 
 will not attest the truth of all that I have been 
 saying, that has known the happiness of a mo- 
 ther's love ; that has been taught to mourn the 
 bitterness of her loss, amongst relatives such as 
 those with whom we now found an asylum.
 
 198 CONFESSIO>:S OF 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 A SPECIMEN OF FRIENDS. 
 
 We were received by Mrs. Elflyn and our 
 cousin, her daughter, with an unnatural show 
 of sympathy, and a constrained kindness of man- 
 ner, of which we were painfully sensible the 
 moment we were in her presence. It was a 
 pity that our aunt had ever asked us to her 
 house on the present occasion ; but she had 
 done so purposely for the sake of removing, by 
 a show of attention, certain unfavourable im- 
 pressions which she felt we cherished towards 
 her. She considered that we esteemed her as 
 cold and unfriendly in her feelings with regard 
 to ourselves. 
 
 In this she was not mistaken, and her own 
 conscience must have told her that we were jus-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 199 
 
 tified in thinking of her as we did. We cer- 
 tainly should never have accepted her invita- 
 tion, had we not been desirous, in our disconso- 
 late condition, of quitting the scene of mourning 
 for a time, especially as no opportunity was 
 offered us of going to the residence of any other 
 relative, than that of Mrs. Elflyn. Besides 
 this, she was one of our nearest kindred, — 
 being the sister of our lost parent, though as 
 different from her as it was possible for any two 
 human beings to have been : the one all amia- 
 bility, benignity, mildness, virtue and dignity 
 — a rare combination of personal and mental 
 endowments : Mrs. Elflyn, on the contrary, was 
 possessed of no amiabiHty whatever, but ren- 
 dered disagreeable by an asperity of manner, 
 that afforded a sad and striking contrast to the 
 suavity and kindness of our mother. 
 
 If ever she relaxed from unamiability, her 
 kindness was all put on, and it was painful to 
 witness the effort it cost her in doing so; so 
 evident was it that she was playing a part. In 
 our present circumstances, she could not, in 
 common humanity, treat us with the asperity
 
 ^00 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 which she had on former occasions always shown 
 us. To have gratified her usual spleen in our 
 present afflicted state, would have been little 
 less than barbarous ; so she made up her mind 
 to soften her tone and manner towards us with 
 as good a grace as she could. 
 
 Miss Elflyn was worthy of her mother in dis- 
 position. As to her appearance it was remark- 
 able for excessive dowdyism : her gait was 
 an awkward, disagreeable waddle — her head 
 lolloping about from side to side in unison with 
 a jolting movement of the hips. Her dresses 
 were always costly, and in the height of fashion, 
 but do what the mantua-maker could, she never 
 managed to make Miss Elflyn look well. There 
 are some persons whom you may squeeze and 
 screw and case up in corsets, and bandage with 
 sashes, but all to no purpose. 
 
 Her features were large and coarse, and her 
 complexion muddy ; and as I could not pay 
 them any better compliment, were I to enter 
 into a more minute description of them, I shall 
 not say anything farther about them. I am, 
 above all other persons of my sex, the least
 
 AN OLD MAID. 201 
 
 inclined to hurt the feelings of other women, by 
 invidious notice of their disqualifications, either 
 in intellect or appearance. I have never har- 
 boured any spirit of unkindness, or indulged in 
 detraction to the prejudice of any one of them, 
 as far as my career in life has hitherto extend- 
 ed ; for when young, I really saw so little in 
 other girls which I thought I had any need of 
 envying, that the sensation never entered my 
 breast. I do not wish, in saying this, to praise 
 myself, but think I may be excused for doing 
 myself justice, in speaking what is merely the 
 truth. 
 
 I shall be sufficiently describing my aunt's 
 person and appearance, by saying that she 
 looked very cross, and that her image was re- 
 flected in the person of her daughter. Our 
 presence, though self-solicited as it had been 
 by Mrs. Elflyn, was evidently annoying both 
 to the mother and daughter. We were so much 
 superior both in appearance and natural intel- 
 lect, as well as in acquirements, to the daughter, 
 that she could not like us, and consequently 
 we were little more agreeable to the mother, 
 
 K 5
 
 202 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 *' Well, my poor dear girls !"*' said our aunt, 
 after a few moments of tearful silence on our 
 part, after the ceremony of salutation was over, 
 " be comforted. There is every thing here to 
 make you as happy as you can hope to be, under 
 your present circumstances. You know your 
 aunt always feels for you in the kindest manner 
 — dry your tears, dear girls ! — Mary, you had 
 better show your cousins their rooms — they will 
 like to see their things taken out and arranged 
 after the journey." 
 
 " I am sure. Mamma, you need say nothing 
 to my cousins of our regard for them : they 
 must know that, better than we can tell them — 
 but, come, will you walk up stairs with me ?'' 
 All these words were marvellously kind in 
 sound, (though, to be sure, uttered in a sad 
 canting drawl,) but still there was a hollow 
 formality attendant upon them, which only in- 
 creased the heaviness with which our hearts 
 were already oppressed. 
 
 We had the same cause of complaint through 
 the whole period of our visit, which was not 
 above five or six weeks, by the end of which
 
 AN OLI> MAID. 
 
 203 
 
 period we were so heartily tired of our amiable 
 relatives, that we resolved on returning home as 
 soon as we could : and although it was to be 
 met, with so many mournful recollections, yet, 
 there, we had at least the consolation of being 
 able to give our sorrows scope, and to throw off 
 that constraint of which I have above com- 
 plained. On the expiration of our visit, we 
 were not more ready to quit Mrs. Elflj^n, than 
 she was willing to see us take our leave of her. 
 I have stated some tolerably strong reasons for 
 her disinclination towards us, but I might, if I 
 pleased, state more. There was one cause of 
 disapprobation which she had not indeed now 
 any reason to entertain, but which she had for- 
 merly conceived against us, when she had seen 
 us at home, and under different auspices : — 
 this was that frankness and ingenuousness of 
 character, the forfeit of which I have some 
 little time ago regretted as so painful : she 
 thought proper to consider this as altogether 
 inconsistent with the rules of " good breeding," 
 as she called it. The fact is, we were neitlier 
 affected nor hypocrites : this was exactly what
 
 204 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 we were not^ and what she and her daughter 
 were : but this they considered eminently well- 
 bred. Our notions of breeding and good taste, 
 formed on the model of one who could not mis- 
 guide us, both on account of her native elegance 
 and knowledge of the world, were very much 
 at variance with those of Mrs. Elflyn. That 
 her's were erroneous was evident, since I am 
 certain it was from a secret, though not avowed, 
 dissatisfaction with them and with herself, that 
 she chose to find fault with us. The source of 
 all her dislike towards us was envy ; and this 
 was the parent of coldness, denial of confidence, 
 suspicion, misconstruction of our thoughts, 
 words, and actions. Such dissociality of feeling 
 between us was not very agreeable, and there- 
 fore it will be no matter of surprise that our 
 visit at Mrs. Elflyn's was not of long duration. 
 
 The portrait that has been given of her 
 daughter, has I think sufficiently identified her 
 with that, in which my cousin, Mrs. Crone, has 
 at an earlier stage of this memorial been de- 
 scribed. Such was the girl, and such turned out 
 the woman ; I may consider that if there were
 
 AN OLD MAID. 205 
 
 no other reasons for our mutual dislike, suffi- 
 cient have in this chapter been given — but there 
 were other and cogent reasons, as my future 
 pages may discover. 
 
 However disagreeable our visit may have 
 been, I must in candour admit that we were 
 relieved during its continuance from those ap- 
 prehensions of being domineered over, which 
 we were reasonably inclined to cherish on first 
 entering the doors of our aunt. 
 
 X
 
 206 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 A COMPANION FROM THE CRADLE. 
 
 I TOO, as well as my sister, had my attach- 
 ment and my admirer ; I had heard the avowals 
 of his devotion for me, and they had sunk 
 deeply into a heart ready to receive them. 
 They had proceeded from one whom I ha<i 
 loved as a child; and our families living in the 
 neighbourhood of each other, we had been 
 brought up, I may almost say, together. His 
 extreme youthful beauty, his romantic wild- 
 ness, his countenance corresponding with, and 
 bespeaking his character, his generosity of dis- 
 position, his independence of spirit, his freedom 
 of air, his boyish fortitude and love of enter- 
 prise; all charmed my heart more and more 
 as I ^rew up, and prejudiced it so much in
 
 AN OLD MAID. 207 
 
 his favour, that it despised every other less ar- 
 dent character, as tame and insipid in compa- 
 rison with his. 
 
 I need not explain that the person of whom 
 I speak, is the same, whose name has already 
 escaped my hps in the very first pages of this 
 work; but not now will the mention of that 
 name be regarded by the reader in the same 
 light in which it may hitherto have appeared ; 
 if he was then inclined to ridicule the idea of 
 the Old Maid still dwelling upon the affections 
 of her youth, he will now contemplate them 
 with a very different feeling, and as cherished 
 at their proper season. It would not be worth 
 my while here to enter into a justification of 
 the tenderness which my first chapter repre- 
 sented me as encouraging, when youth had long 
 passed away. It would perhaps be in vain to 
 endeavour to persuade my readers to contem- 
 plate seriously the constancy which is there pro- 
 fessed for this attachment of my youth ; still, 
 however, it is no less certain that such attach- 
 ment is to this day cherished by me. And why 
 should not it be ? Will not Nature attest that
 
 208 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the heart can be sensible of early affections, 
 though the season that beheld their birth may 
 have passed away, and the outward lustre of 
 youth faded ? The Old Maid, alike reckless of 
 incredulity or ridicule with respect to what 
 she may now be advancing, appeals confidently 
 and proudly to the aifection she has declared 
 herself as cherishing through so long a lapse 
 of time ; she appeals to it in testimony of 
 the fondness, the fidelity, the sacred sincerity, 
 the ardour of its first encouragement in her 
 youth. Now at least, in the recollections of 
 this spring-time of her life, may she approach 
 the declaration of her early love without the 
 apprehension of being jibed at. She may recall 
 the form that was then her most cherished 
 vision ; she may dwell upon emotions that then 
 glowed freshly in the soul, and pronounce the 
 name of Albert Conroy, without awakening in 
 those that hear her, a sentiment repugnant to 
 the dignity of the most sublime of passions ! 
 
 " Well defended !" exclaimed Lady Kate, as 
 she was reading my MSS. " You vindicate this
 
 AN OLD MAID. ^09 
 
 memorial of your early love with spirit; but 
 there was no occasion for your being so parti- 
 cular either, because you are speaking now of 
 a season of life consistent with the romance of 
 love — every body must be aware of that." 
 
 " Yes, but then I wished also to vindicate 
 the reasonableness of my fidelity to it, up to 
 the present time." 
 
 " Very true, I was going to have observed 
 that also. I assure you, I think that you have 
 done so with success." 
 
 " I am glad to hear you say so, for above all 
 other persons, your satirical propensities would 
 lead you to find exception if you could. "'*' 
 
 " Really, I never wish to be needlessly sati- 
 rical ; but consider it in much better taste, as 
 well as feeling, to be as merciful as I can. 
 With respect to the pages I have hitherto read, 
 I hardly expected to find in them so much of 
 the pathetic tone." 
 
 " Oh ! so much the better for the character 
 of my romance ; but you must let me go on 
 with it, if you please ; and as you have read all 
 that I have to show you, suppose you leave me
 
 210 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 to myself, that I may have the more to put into 
 your hands the next time you come to see me.*" 
 
 " Very well," replied Kate ; " I see you 
 wish to be alone, so I will do as you desire. I 
 go this evening to a card party at Lady Daw- 
 lish's, and am sorry you are unable to accom- 
 pany me ; so good bye." 
 
 Accordingly, she left me to continue my 
 MSS. with the description of young Conroy. 
 
 He was about three years older than my- 
 self. His hair was of a dark chesnut colour, 
 and hung in knotty curls over his neck and 
 down the sides of his face. It was at that time, 
 the custom for boys to let their hair grow to a 
 considerable length. His eyes were dark and 
 large, a fine florid hue suffused his cheeks, and 
 his look bespoke the health and vigour that 
 he had imbibed with the air of his native 
 Scottish hills. No roe was more wild on the 
 plain than he was, or could bound over it more 
 lightly ; there was not a brake, not an avenue 
 of the glen, not a thicket, with which he was 
 unacquainted. With the wildest haunts where
 
 AN OLD MAID. 211 
 
 the heathcock lurked, was he familiar ; across 
 the border none was better acquainted with the 
 covert of the fox, and the most daring adven- 
 tures that the sportsmen below the Tweed can 
 court, he took delight in. The days spent in 
 quest of the grouse — the emulous strife to be 
 first in the chase — every dexterous feat on 
 which the angler prides himself — every manly 
 exercise that youth can excel in — had all of 
 them enjoyment for him. 
 
 He possessed a spirit better adapted for more 
 heroic times than the present ; and he was un- 
 fitted by his genius and his education for the 
 life which he found himself doomed to pursue, 
 ere he arrived at man's estate. Not that he 
 wanted ' wit' amidst all his wildness : his mind 
 was as keen as his eye, and his powers of ac- 
 quirement as vigorous, or rather as impetuous, 
 as his ardour in manly recreations and exer- 
 cises. He did not, indeed, waste the education 
 offered him at our schools and colleges, though 
 he endured it with impatience, and rushed 
 through it with a struggle to emancipate him- 
 self from its discipline as soon as he could
 
 212 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Never did he dream of the fate that awaited 
 him, when he was called on to act his part in 
 the pursuits of life — it was a banishment to a 
 distant and scorching clime, with the promise 
 indeed of future opulence, but the probability, 
 if not the certainty of death, ere he could even 
 hope to attain it. 
 
 He visited me in town, just before his de- 
 parture to India, a few weeks after our sorrow- 
 ful departure from the spot of our home and 
 his : it was then that he clasped my hand for 
 the last time ; the first in which I ever saw a 
 tear bedim his eye. It was a sacred tear, for 
 he shed it, not only on account of his separation 
 from me, not only because he saw that a tear 
 trembled in my own eye at the thought of los- 
 ing him — but in sympathy for the sad change in 
 the condition and appearance of myself and my 
 sisters — he shed it, too, in regret at the recol- 
 lection of the many happy hours we had enjoyed 
 tosrether from our cradles, — in tenderness for 
 the time at which he first breathed to me the 
 love which we had been, I may almost say, 
 brought up to feel for each other.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 213 
 
 Alas ! of what avail is all this painful re- 
 miniscence ? What has, since that period, be- 
 come of him ? What has been the history of 
 his fate ? What has reached me concerning 
 him for these many years? Is he lost and 
 gone ? I know not. Did he fall a victim to 
 the climate ? I cannot tell. Did he meet death 
 in the eastern service, in which his disposition 
 might have led him to take a part ? I have 
 never heard. Mystery has hung over his fate 
 for years, and has incHned me to the beHef that 
 death has some time closed his career and every 
 memorial of him. Yet still do I cherish the 
 hope to hear that he is alive, and may one day 
 return to his country, and to those who still 
 cherish the remembrance of him. 
 
 The last intimation I received of my lover, 
 was by a letter which he sent me from Deal on 
 the eve of his embarkation — that letter I have 
 to this day preserved — it runs as follows. I 
 quote it as a rare specimen of a reasonable 
 yet affectionate address in matters of this na- 
 ture : —
 
 214) CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 *' My Dearest .... 
 
 " The thought of separation from you be- 
 comes more and more painful as its certainty 
 approaches nearer. Heaven can alone know 
 whether I shall ever see you again. I sail to- 
 morrow, and cannot tell when you will be likely 
 to hear from me again. Will you remem- 
 ber your promise to me ? Or am I unreason- 
 able in constraining you to preserve your pledge 
 to me inviolable ? Absence, long continued 
 absence, must efface impressions even the most 
 fond, and weaken affections which were once 
 the most deeply impressed on the heart. 
 
 *' In the instance of Si first love, I may at least 
 hope, that the impressions which you cherish 
 may not be discarded upon any slight provoca- 
 tion ; I may at least hope, that he who shall 
 supplant myself in your affections, may be 
 more worthy to hold a place in your heart than 
 myself. Let me hope that you will not give 
 it up, to a suitor who can bring no better recom- 
 mendation than his purse or his pedigree, only. 
 Do not let me think that you could throw your- 
 self away upon a man who has not the recom-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 215 
 
 mendation of a generous spirit, an exaltation of 
 character, an independence of soul — as well as 
 of circumstances. 
 
 " But I am afraid that I do but tire you. You 
 will say that these sentiments are dictated by 
 jealousy: if they were, they would justly merit 
 your disapprobation, but they are not so — they 
 are the offspring alone of that deep depression 
 of spirit, which has succeeded to my natural ar- 
 dour, on account of the lot I am compelled to 
 undergo — the thought of which, accompanied 
 as it is by the loss of yourself, makes me mi- 
 serable at the idea that it is possible you may 
 be thrown away on some person unworthy of 
 possessing you. It is a bitter thing to leave be- 
 hind all that one has any regard for in the 
 world — for my country is little to me without 
 you; my native hills have but little charm, 
 unless I could range them with yourself. Why 
 am I doomed to this banishment ? — for the sake 
 of what I scorn — the prospect of gain. Every 
 thing in this life seems destined to act by con- 
 trarieties : my elder brother, who has no object 
 
 of affection (as I have) to think of, remains on
 
 .^16 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the spot, from which I am torn to regret the 
 loss of all for which I would wish to live. He 
 looks upon these scenes of my boyhood, with- 
 out any of the feelings with which / should 
 contemplate them. Why, then, is he not taken 
 away, and myself suffered to remain ? Cruel 
 dispensation of a capricious, wayward, unjust 
 and undiscerning destiny I 
 
 " I will no longer uselessly complain, but 
 finish this farewell communication to you, by 
 conjuring you by all those vows we have mu- 
 tually breathed, and which I may be allowed 
 to esteem sacred ; by all the happiness in which 
 we have participated, from our earliest childhood, 
 in each other''s society ; by that congeniality of 
 soul that drew our hearts towards each other, 
 and riveted them in bonds of affection, — not 
 easily (I may once again hope) to be broken — 
 to believe that no image but your own can ever 
 be present to my recollection, and that my love 
 for you is sacred and unalterable. 
 
 " Albert Coneoy.'" 
 
 I was interrupted at this moment in the con-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 217 
 
 tinuation of ray romance, by two or three trou- 
 blesome acquaintance that came one after an- 
 other to call upon me, and so much delayed 
 me th at Iwas unable to resume my pen till some 
 hours subsequently. I wrote on, in hopes of 
 having a tolerable quantity to show Lady Kate 
 the next morning ; but what was my surprise 
 when, instead of being greeted as usual with 
 her presence, I received a note from her, men- 
 tioning that she was about to quit town for the 
 country, upon an affair that she could not at 
 present impart to me, but which should be re- 
 vealed to me in due time, and would, perhaps, 
 occasion me some little surprise. " What can 
 the whimsical creature be about ?'"' I exclaimed 
 to myself; '' and why does she keep the sub- 
 ject of her movements a mystery ? I long to 
 know what she has taken into her head : she 
 really might just as well have told me what she 
 is at."" 
 
 It may be supposed that I puzzled myself a 
 good deal to find out what could be the reason 
 of my friend's running away from town so 
 suddenly, and why she made it a secret to 
 
 VOL. I. ' L
 
 S18 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 myself, to whom she confided every thought 
 that came across her mind. It was in vain that 
 I tortured my wits to discover the cause of the 
 mystery ; I could not possibly guess how to 
 unravel it ; so I gave up the attempt as hope- 
 less, and addressed myself again to the con- 
 tinuation of my manuscript.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 219 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE KETtJllN' HOME AND RECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 THE VISIT. 
 
 My father had gone to the residence of some 
 friends in Derbyshire, at the same time that 
 we had come up to town to our aunt. Thither 
 had we written to him, begging his immediate 
 presence, in order to take us back to Scotland 
 as soon as he conveniently might. He did not 
 long delay, and, accompanied by my brother, 
 soon conveyed us back to our native region. 
 
 If our departure from home had been bitter, 
 our return to it was little less so. The moun 
 tain, that rose behind the site of our house, 
 seemed to lower with a more melancholy gloom 
 than its barrenness had ever worn before : the 
 lake, where stillness had never yet inspired 
 
 L 2
 
 220 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 melancholy, was sad to desolation : the cry of 
 the bittern sounded differently in our ears than 
 it had been wont to do,* and mournful was 
 the echo of its note. 
 
 Every thing wore a hideous and repulsive 
 aspect — every thin^^ seemed altered. What 
 was looked upon tefore with pleasure, was 
 now, so much heaviness to our soul : whatever 
 had once breathed of solace and of cheerful- 
 ness, now scowled with discomfort, despondency 
 and gloom. 
 
 We scarcely knew the domestics again in 
 their weeds of mourning : they had faithful 
 and feeling hearts, unlike the menials in a dis- 
 sipated town. There was the steward, with 
 his long grey locks, his head drooping down- 
 wards, and abject countenance : there was ray 
 mother's favourite attendant, whom she had 
 brought with her from England, so long ago as 
 her marriage, expressing the language of her 
 heart in tears of unfeigned distress. I will 
 
 * " Along thy glades a solitary guest 
 
 The hollow-sounding bittern guards its nest." 
 
 Deserted VUlase, — Ed.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 221 
 
 not analyze this painful picture more minutely, 
 nor expatiate at any greater length on these 
 trying moments of our return. 
 
 The lapse of time gradually infused a balm 
 into the smart of our sorrows; the objects 
 around us began to re-assume somewhat of 
 their wonted aspect, and the landscape by de- 
 grees to smile with that cheerfulness which it 
 had lost. 
 
 If change of scene had not been our object 
 in our late removal from Scotland, we might 
 have found a retreat in the residence of our 
 neighbours, the family of my absent lover ; but 
 their abode was fraught with recollections as 
 painful as our own. On our return from town, 
 the companionship and consolation of these 
 true friends, operated much in shaking from 
 us our gloom of mind. A new scene, too, on 
 the stage of mortality was now, after some 
 little time, to be performed — this was the mar- 
 riage of Albert Conroy's elder brother, a puny 
 youth, in comparison with his younger brother, 
 and whose marriage was concerted more by 
 the management and wishes of his own family.
 
 222 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 than from any inclination or will of his own. 
 Not very long after this event, another of a 
 similarly festive nature took place in the cir- 
 cumstance of my elder sister's nuptials. Her 
 admirer held a high rank in the army, and 
 was anxious to accomplish the alliance, which 
 had for a long time been in abeyance, pre- 
 viously to joining his regiment. She was de- 
 termined to follow him, and did so. In the 
 revolution of another year from the time of 
 these events, I found myself more and more 
 lonely, in consequence again of the marriage 
 of my second sister also ; and as my brother 
 was constantly absent on his vocations, I was 
 thus almost altogether deserted ; for my father 
 being much of an invalid, was but little society 
 for me, and my friends, the Conroys, were 
 at this time absent from home. 
 
 It may well be supposed that such complete 
 solitude was painful to one of my sprightly and 
 cheerful disposition. My attention being seldom 
 called off, by conversation, to employ itself on 
 indifferent and diversified topics, was ahnost 
 entirely directed to the recollections of the
 
 AN OLD MAID. 22l5 
 
 past : the scenes around me challenged reflec- 
 tions of this sort, since they spoke of the happy 
 days of ray childhood, and brought the pre- 
 sence of my youthful lover constantly before 
 me. They also presented me with other forms 
 besides his own. I used to roam along the hill- 
 side, dreaming of my sisters and my mother, 
 and could figure their forms still beside me. 
 I would look for them, and start to find myself 
 alone. Yet painful as these reveries were, it 
 was a gratification to me to indulge in them, 
 since the subject of them was most dear to me. 
 
 Not so agreeable were the recollections that 
 brought me back to my unamiable aunt and 
 her daughter, which they now and then w^ould 
 do : together with the various circumstances 
 that took place during our visit in town. Of 
 these, then, I shall proceed to take some notice. 
 
 My cousin had been brought * out ' into 
 society, some three or four seasons previously 
 to the time at which we were in Portman- 
 square. She had figured in the first circles, 
 in all the lustre of wealth and fashion ; but the 
 object of her njother's anxiety — an advanta-
 
 224 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 geous matrimonial connection for her, or even 
 any offer of such an event, had not yet been 
 made her. It was no wonder, then, that she 
 was mortified at finding that my eldest sister 
 was under an engagement of marriage, which 
 she was looking forward shortly to fulfil ; and 
 also that my second sister, Constance, and 
 myself, had our admirers. We did not per- 
 mit the constraint imposed on the expression 
 of our feelings in other respects to control us 
 on the subject of our respective attachments. 
 It would indeed have been impossible to have 
 suppressed the mention of this, since the agi- 
 tation which I so plainly betrayed at the ap- 
 proaching absence of my lover, forced me to 
 the utterance of what was passing in my mind. 
 
 But all this emotion in the eyes of my disap- 
 pointed aunt and cousin, was dreadful ; espe- 
 cially as my cousin one day came into my room, 
 and found me sobbing over a letter I had re- 
 ceived from my lover, of a date prior to that 
 which the reader has seen. This exposure was 
 perfectly dreadful in her eyes! It was of 
 course reported to her mother as the most sad
 
 AN OLD MAID. 225 
 
 instance of passion, she had almost ever heard 
 of — nay, prudery, which has ah*eady been 
 seen to be one of the characteristics of mv cou- 
 sin, suggested that it was positively indelicate 
 and improper. 
 
 The recollection of this uncharitable and un- 
 just conduct, has always enraged me with her, 
 whenever it has occurred. There are no people 
 so mean as those, who, because they cannot 
 reach the level of those they envy, indulge their 
 rancour and disappointment in splenetic, ma- 
 lignant, detraction of them ; vainly hoping to 
 lower the merit or superiority, which they can 
 never rival, to their own standard, or if pos- 
 sible, to reduce it to a degree even still lower. 
 
 Of course Mrs. Elflyn was wilKng to add fuel 
 to the flame which her daughter had kindled. 
 Exaggeration was heaped on exaggeration, re- 
 lative to my ' conduct^ as they called it ; and 
 between the two, I dare say, I was made out to 
 be one of nearly the most indecorous of my 
 sex. 
 
 If my cousin had not entertained feelings so 
 hateful as these towards me, I could still have 
 
 L 5
 
 226 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 been on good terms with her : but traits, such 
 as these, betrayed so much of unkindness and 
 unworthiness of character, that I have never 
 been able to reconcile myself to liking her. It 
 is difficult to say which of the two was most 
 deserving of reprehension — the daughter who 
 could be guilty of such meanness and malignity, 
 in putting so harsh an interpretation on my 
 passion, or the mother who could encourage 
 her in doing so. The world sustained little 
 loss when the last of these was taken from it ; 
 nor will it, I think, sustain much more, when the 
 unamiable presence of the first mentioned of 
 this pair, shall be also missed in society. 
 
 As Albert was to pass through town on his 
 way down to the sea-coast, I anticipated a visit 
 from him as certain. I endeavoured to dis- 
 suade him from calhng, as I told him that an 
 interview was almost impossible, and that his 
 presence would be anything but agreeable to 
 my aunt and cousin. A.t the same time I half 
 hoped and knew, indeed, that he would disregard 
 my admonitions, for I longed in my heart to 
 see him. He came as I had expected ; and as
 
 AN OLD MAID- Ji2T 
 
 1 hat! advertised him it would be, our meeting 
 was d^'prived of all satisfaction by the presence 
 of those who could only view it with disappro- 
 l)ati()n. He imposed on himself a miserable 
 constraint in speaking to me before Mrs. Elflyn 
 and her daugliter, for my sisters were no in- 
 terruption to us. We were anxious to say a 
 thousand things to each other, but it was im- 
 possible to utter them in the situation in which 
 we were placed. The impatience he felt was 
 too visibly depicted on his countenance, and 
 being of such an impetuous disposition as he 
 was, I am rather surprised he did not give vent 
 to his feelings : he had more for})earance, how- 
 ever, than to do so, and maintained his compo- 
 sure by consoling himself with the resolution of 
 obtaining an interview with me under circum- 
 stances of less constraint, before he left the 
 country. 
 
 Not long after this unsatisfactory visit, I 
 received a note from him, in which he so ear- 
 nestly intreated me to compass a secret inter- 
 view, that I was unable to disobey it. My 
 sisters considered me so justified in complying
 
 ^28 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 with his wish, that they aided my endeavours 
 to accomplish what he requested. We ma- 
 naged to let him know the exact time at which 
 our aunt and her daughter would be out, and 
 then it was, that he availed himself of the op- 
 portunity of speaking to me the last words that 
 I ever heard fall from his lips. The language 
 of this parting visit between us would be too 
 well understood to require any explanation, 
 even if I had not already breathed the spirit 
 of it through my pages a short time ago. 
 
 But oh, envious fate ! or chance, or what- 
 ever the influence might be, that brought about 
 the disaster — my lover was even yet tearing 
 himself from us, when Mrs. Elflyn and her 
 daughter returned from their expedition with 
 most unreasonable precipitation — they entered 
 the room, and beheld the scene that was pass- 
 ing ! 
 
 If prudery had before taken alarm at my pe- 
 rusal of a love-letter, of what a shock would not 
 its scrupulosity, now, be sensible — how would 
 -it not now be offended at the discovery, — the 
 direful exposure of a secret interview ! a siolett
 
 AN OLD MAID. 229 
 
 interview ! the bare idea of which was suffi- 
 ciently dreadful, without the reality. I need 
 not say that every shadow of approbation, if I 
 could have hoped for any, from my charming 
 relatives, was forfeited now past all hope of re- 
 claim. The confusion w^hich their interruption 
 occasioned to my sisters, and most of all to my- 
 self, may easily be imagined. My lover, on 
 the contrary, was not disconcerted at all, but 
 with great composure and firmness, told Mrs. 
 Elflyn, as he quitted the room, that he was 
 fully aware that her good-sense and feeling 
 would make every allowance for the manifes- 
 tation of pain at parting, between those, who 
 after having been brought up to love one an- 
 other from childhood, were now doomed to be 
 separated, perhaps for ever.
 
 ^'SO CONFESS! ON b OF 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE SUBJECT OF THK REVERIE CONTINUED. 
 
 If I have said that my cousin had never 
 been addressed with any offer of marriage, I 
 was mistaken. An offer had been made her by 
 a character already introduced in these pages, 
 not so dignified at the time of which I am 
 speaking, as he has since become, both by aug- 
 mentation of professional rank as well as ma- 
 trimonial consequence. I speak of course of 
 the gentleman who has of late years made Miss 
 Elflyn, Mrs. Crone ; as gawky a young ensign 
 at the time I first saw him, as he is now a 
 gawky elderly colonel. 
 
 Ensign Crone was a devoted admirer, or pre- 
 tended to be so, of Miss Elflyn ; as to her 
 personal charms, his admiration must assuredly
 
 AN OLD MAID. 231 
 
 have been pretended, although there is no ac- 
 counting for tastes; but with respect to the 
 charms of her fortune, doubtless his admiration 
 was real and sincere. But however this might 
 have been, the ensign's admiration, for whatever 
 cause it had been cherished, had certainly be- 
 come abated since he had seen myself and my 
 sisters at our aunt's house. He was a most 
 asinine young man, pretending to enthusiasm 
 and romance which he never felt ; he would 
 rejoice in extolling his profession, and rhodo- 
 montading on " hair-breadth 'scapes, seas of 
 blood, and perils of the field." 
 
 It was a pity, I always thought, that enthu- 
 siast as he professed himself about deeds of 
 chivah'y and prowess, his elevation in the army 
 was owing altogether to his interest with persons 
 of influence, rather than any wonder-working 
 heroism^of his own. 
 
 This Drawcansir, or Bobadil, took it into his 
 head to shift his affections from Miss Elflyn to 
 myself. As he had been admitted as an ad- 
 mirer of Miss Elflyn, no notice was taken by 
 the domestics, of his frequent visits ; he used to
 
 232 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 contrive to pay them just at the ' nick o* time,'* 
 when my aunt and her daughter were out of the 
 way ; and unfortunately he was never inter- 
 rupted in them, as my absent lover had been. 
 The moment that he had gained admission, and 
 had introduced himself into the drawing-room, 
 he used to precipitate himself at my feet, 
 sprawhng forward with an uncouth salam, as if 
 he were a mad Turk avowing adoration for 
 some supposed Sultana. 
 
 In this attitude would he swear his passion, 
 declaring with mighty asseverations, worthy of 
 Pistol himself, that he must put an end to him- 
 self, if I did not look on his suit with favour ! 
 " Repay with even a transient glance of ecstasy- 
 awakening approbation, my passion's frenzy, 
 and ardour incontrollable ! !" — is a specimen of 
 one of his amorous despairing rants ; which he 
 delivered in the worst theatrical tone and style. 
 Scenes, such as these, did not happen more 
 than twice ; for whenever I had notice, which 
 I always took care to have, that he v/as on the 
 staircase, I used to withdraw into the back 
 drawing-room, or hurry up-stairs, if I had
 
 AN OLD MAID. 233 
 
 time, to my room, until he was gone. But on 
 two occasions I was subjected to the annoyance 
 of his frightful and troublesome presence. The 
 idea of the man's talking to me '' of deigning 
 to look at him with favour T In sooth, a pretty 
 figure had I to look upon! How he could 
 suppose it possible for me to contemplate it 
 with favour, or any other feeling than that of 
 ridicule, or disgust, I cannot imagine. In vain 
 was it, that I remonstrated with him on the 
 unfitness of the period at which he was paying 
 his addresses to me, in deep mourning as I was, 
 and that, too, so recently put on. In vain was 
 it, that in relation to this, I reproached him for 
 conduct both outrageous and indelicate : to no 
 purpose either was it that I told him again and 
 again that I was pre-engaged, and that if I 
 were not, I could never find in my heart to 
 love him. The second occasion on which I 
 had to encounter his roaring, ranting, and rav- 
 ing, I repeated, in harsher language, all that 
 he had heard from me before. Nay, so much 
 was I vexed with his impertinence, that I lost 
 all patience, and told him that if he did not
 
 ^34 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 desist from farther annoying me, I should get 
 him soundly drubbed to bring him to his 
 senses. 
 
 This offended my Hector's conceit, at the 
 time it was said, most desperately ; he abruptly 
 withdrew in high dudgeon, and angry with 
 mortified pride. But in a few days his passion 
 seemed to have gotten the better of his indig- 
 nation ; and, having found that it was useless to 
 endeavour to obtain an interview with me, he 
 had recourse to the expedient of scribbhng 
 notes, which I uniformly sent back to him un- 
 opened. Of one of them, by some inadver- 
 tency or other^ I broke the seal : a more ridicu- 
 lous piece of rant I never read in my life ; its 
 style was that in which Ensign Crone has just 
 been heard to speak ; it was hastily closed up 
 again, and directed back to the writer, as all 
 the former effusions had been ; but, as I re- 
 member pretty well its language, I may as 
 well offer a specimen of it, perhaps a little in 
 caricature. 
 
 " I have dared the brunt of battle: I have
 
 AN OLD MAID. 235 
 
 sought honour at the cannon's mouth : I have 
 stood in the midst of red war's horrific din — 
 but never yet was I dismayed— never yet was 
 
 I agitated What influence, then, is it, 
 
 that now troubles the warrior's soul ? That 
 overwhelms his heroic breast ? Thy^ thy, 
 charms, thou divinest one ! I rave, I burn, 
 I die ! Yes, the warlike Crone raves, he 
 burns, he dies, for the charms of her who is 
 as haughty as she is fair — as cruel as she is 
 celestial !" 
 
 " To that unrelenting, loveliest, most im- 
 placable, yet divine one — Clouinda."" 
 
 How different, thought I, is this stuff from 
 the letter which Albert Conroy sent me ! 
 Even after my return to Scotland did the 
 Ensign persecute me with his trashy effusions. 
 At length he became rather tired of having his 
 nonsense returned to him by post, unheeded, 
 and so discontinued annoying me any longer. 
 If a half-pay captain had been so unfortunate 
 and pertinacious in writing ill-fated letters of 
 this sort, as the independent Ensign Crone
 
 236 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 was, he must infallibly have been ruined by 
 the amount of postage. 
 
 Having failed in his suit with me, he again 
 addressed himself to the former object of his 
 admiration, my cousin, but was rejected with 
 indignation on her part, on account of his 
 infidelity to her ; doubly heinous, since it had 
 led him to pay court to a person already so 
 little agreeable to her as myself ; and now, if 
 possible, more offensive in her eyes than 
 before. 
 
 I can only suppose that he reinstated him- 
 self in her good graces by flattering her dis- 
 inclination towards me, in which he must 
 heartily have concurred, after the affronts 
 which he considered me as having heaped upon 
 him. As any treachery in love is for the 
 most part an irretrievable cause of displeasure 
 in our haughty sex, I cannot account for tr.e 
 moral phenomenon I have mentioned, of a 
 reconciliation between my cousin and Ensign 
 Crone, in any other way than that which I 
 have suggested ; unless possibly, as I have 
 observed in an earlier part of this work, my
 
 AN OLD MAID. 237 
 
 cousin at length despaired of finding any one 
 else but the ensign who would marry her. 
 
 ^ ^ ^ ^ tP ^ 'It 
 
 My reveries for the present had exhausted 
 themselves — I paused for a while to gaze upon 
 the scenes before me. Nature had again seem- 
 ed to put on that blank look, of which she 
 had begun to be disarmed, whilst my sisters af- 
 forded me their companionship. But thei/ were 
 gone, and all I loved was now torn from me. I 
 gazed upon the scene mute and sorrowful, till 
 my vision was obscured by the tears that rose 
 in my eyes. I returned home from my wander- 
 ings slowly along the hill-side, heavy at heart, 
 desolate and unhappy.
 
 238 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 BEING A LINK BETWEEN THE PATHOS OF OUK 
 FAST SCENES, AND THE PLEASANTRY OF 
 THE FUTURE. 
 
 My solitude was broken through in a manner 
 not the most agreeable ; my father had been 
 lately so much of an invalid that his strength 
 sunk under indisposition. It was on the event of 
 his decease that I left my home, no longer to be 
 spoken of by that name in future. My brother 
 was not there, his bark was afloat on the tide of 
 human struggles and human ambition. I was 
 left the guardian of myself, happy in the welcome 
 of friends, (very different from Mrs. El fly n, or 
 such as her daughter had been to me,) whose 
 residences I was solicited to call my own, though 
 I was myself possessed of sufficient property to
 
 AN OLD MAID. 2S9 
 
 be independent of them all If I pleased. As 
 for the family estate, untoward circumstances 
 had broken it up, and that is quite as much as 
 I wish to say about it. 
 
 Thus my life was, after painful domestic 
 recollections had subsided, rendered agreeable 
 enough ; my happy disposition assisted in heal- 
 ing the wounds inflicted by sorrow. Besides 
 my relatives, various kind acquaintances always 
 showed themselves eager to throw their doors 
 open to receive me, and were glad of my society. 
 In their gardens I roamed — in their parks I 
 rode — in their halls I danced — all were fond of 
 having me with them, and if I were to enter 
 upon the theme of acknowledgment for all the 
 kindness they showed me, I might fill half a 
 volume upon the subject. I should be unwill- 
 ing to mention any one or two, of all these, above 
 the rest, as I am equally bound in affection to 
 them all, and shall therefore speak of none, ex- 
 cept my old neighbours, the Conroys, whom I 
 looked upon in the same light as I did my own 
 family. 
 
 With respect to them, what I have to say
 
 240 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 will necessarily be very brief, for after the pe- 
 riod of my father's death, Mr. Conroy, who 
 had been a great friend of his, did not long 
 survive him ; and on her eldest son"'s succeed- 
 ing to the lairdship, Mrs. Conroy removed her 
 quarters to the South. Her state of health was 
 so delicate, and her spirits so low, at the loss of 
 her husband, the change of her favourite abode, 
 and her uneasiness at not hearing from her 
 yovmger and favourite son, that she became 
 the victim of these various causes of vexation. 
 
 After her death, I heard nothing more what- 
 ever, of Albert, for I knew none of his relatives 
 except his puny brother, and from him I was 
 now completely separated : he did not survive 
 his parents very long, and it is a wonder that 
 he lived up to the time he did. At his death, 
 he left two weakly children to inherit his pos- 
 sessions, about whom and his widow, I have 
 never either felt the slightest interest, or any 
 wish to be acquainted with them. With re- 
 spect to her, I have not to my knowledge seen 
 her since her marriage. One of her sons is, I
 
 AN OLD MAID. 241 
 
 believe, in possession of the estate, and has a 
 family : and this is all I know about them. 
 
 It so happened that there was scarcely a 
 house in which it was not my lot to have an 
 admirer : I really coula move nowhere without 
 meeting with some one who thought proper to 
 pay his addresses to me ; notwithstanding it was 
 notorious amongst all who knew me, that I was 
 under the strictest engagement to my early ac- 
 quaintance, Albert Conroy. 
 
 Had I any particular charms to excite all 
 this attention ? Was so much admiration due 
 to either my mental or personal endowments ? 
 to such elegance of air, distinction of appear- 
 ance, lightness of figure, ease of carriage, and 
 beauty of features, as I could boast ? Could a 
 bright transparent complexion, a small slim 
 throat, dark and glossy auburn hair, and dark 
 sparkling blue eyes, render me so much an ob- 
 ject of request ? Could an engaging and some- 
 what arch manner, and an amiable cheerful 
 countenance, enhance these personal qualities 
 so much as to make every youth that saw me 
 fall in love with me ? 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 ^42 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 If the question just proposed implies the 
 fact, I was surely fully justified in asking it, as 
 it conveys that true description of the heroine 
 of this romance, which is due to her in the 
 bloom of her youth. 
 
 When any interval offered itself in which 
 visits were for a time suspended, I used to amuse 
 myself with expeditions about the country to 
 watering places, or to the sea-coast, or wher- 
 ever else my fancy might incline me. My ex- 
 peditions were accompanied by my domestics, 
 old Cuthbert, the faithful and venerable stew- 
 ard, of whom I have already taken notice ; and 
 my mother^s former attendant, who was also 
 far advanced in years : both of them had chosen 
 to follow m.e from Scotland, and in their pre- 
 sence I felt the most perfect security wherever 
 I went. They seldom, however, constituted 
 my entire cortege : I was almost invariably pur- 
 sued by some youthful gallant or other, who 
 had met me in one or other of the societies I 
 have mentioned, and had either ridden out in 
 the same party with myself, or danced vdth me, 
 or sat next me at dinner. I soon became so
 
 AN OLD MAID. 
 
 243 
 
 used to the story of sighs, and tears, and pro- 
 testations, that I used either to treat it with 
 total indifference, or make a jest of it. I found 
 it in general the best way to treat it as a bur- 
 lesque, much as I have, in the earlier part of 
 this work, described Lady Kate as doing in 
 the days of her bloom ; except that, in her in- 
 stance, there existed no such feeling as in my 
 own, relative to a prior pledge of affection. 
 
 In fact, I rendered it impossible for any of 
 my suitors to persuade me into the adoption of 
 any thing like a tone of seriousness, so that I 
 eluded every blow that was aimed at my heart. 
 Now and then, when I sent away a lover that 
 appeared to me really unhappy at my treatment 
 of him, I used, perhaps, to feel a little moved ; 
 but never on any account did I suffer myself to 
 betray that I felt so. My obduracy and ridi- 
 cule were always triumphant, and the despair- 
 ing suitor generally quitted me *' vowing that 
 there never was so incomprehensible or unfeel- 
 ing a woman in the world as myself." 
 
 In proportion as I gained the reputation of 
 being difficult to win, the more was I beset by 
 
 M 2
 
 244 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the pertinacious host of my lovers. This was 
 unavoidable : I was unable to prevent the farce 
 of love-lorn whining and solicitation from con- 
 tinuing — so I let it take its course. It served 
 rather as an amusement to me than otherwise — 
 it was something to laugh at ; but it was some- 
 thing more too than this — it was an everlasting 
 incentive to the exercise of fidelity to my pledge ; 
 a perpetual trial of my constancy to Albert. 
 
 No female, perhaps, was ever placed in a 
 more trying situation than myself; my good 
 faith and attachment plighted to one from 
 whom I was severed, without any present pro- 
 spect of seeing him again ; left at liberty to act 
 as I pleased, and entirely at my own disposal ; 
 under no control of any sort, excepting only 
 this, my pledge ; with frequent opportunity of 
 forming a connexion of high rank and respecta- 
 bility : honour, affluence, distinction, all awaiting 
 my bidding, to grace me with their tributes — 
 all offering their temptations to dazzle and cap- 
 tivate me. Yet I remained unshaken, I stood 
 unmoved and undiverted from the " loadstar," 
 to which my affections directed themselves afar
 
 AN OLD MAID. 245 
 
 off — the love of one for whom they glowed with 
 an ardour and a constancy, which no other ob- 
 ject could ever kindle in my breast. 
 
 '* No other object,'" did I say ? ... Is it 
 then true that no temporary tenderness for any 
 other than Albert was ever acknowledged by 
 my heart ? Let me ask whether it is not na- 
 tural, that, in the absence of my first lover, the 
 unfeigned regard, the youth and handsome ap- 
 pearance of some of those who paid their ad- 
 dresses to me, should make a certain degree of 
 impression upon me ? And will not the forti- 
 tude be praised that could admonish me to dis- 
 regard such impressions ; that could animate 
 me to recall days when love was first, and the 
 most truly, awakened in my heart ; while at 
 the same time, it bid all subsequent tenderness 
 vanish before this, — leaving me mistress of my- 
 self, and triumphant? I might yet farther de- 
 mand applause for that address with which, for 
 my constancy's sake, I have declared myself as 
 getting the better of these assailants upon my 
 heart, so much so, as to be able to deride them 
 as I did.
 
 S46 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 It has appeared from the foregoing intima- 
 tions relative to the quahty of those who paid 
 their addresses to me, that I had admirers by 
 whose attentions I might well be flattered : but 
 others also had I, of various ranks, conditions, 
 circumstances, and merits. In proceeding to 
 notice any in particular, out of the whole num- 
 ber, I shall, as my introduction observed, select 
 those only, whose extravagance or peculiarity 
 renders them worthy of being recorded. A 
 weighty balance, therefore, of less memorable 
 admirers must be suffered to sleep undisturbed 
 in oblivion. From the instances of such as I 
 shall mention, it will be perceived that Ensign 
 Crone was not the only one whose courtship 
 gives rise to ludicrous recollections. 
 
 Really when I contemplate the whole mass 
 of my admirers together, young and elderly, 
 handsome and plain, the distinguished and the 
 ordinary, — with whose offers of marriage I was 
 besieged, I cannot but consider the male sex as 
 consisting of the most outrageously vain and un- 
 conscionable set of beings on the face of the earth • 
 And why ? Are men not guilty of the greatest
 
 AN OLD MAID. 247 
 
 vanity in supposing, as they do3 that a woman 
 must be flattered by the bare sound of an offer; 
 which their conceit or affectation really leads 
 them, in some instances, to suppose is all that 
 she takes into consideration ? Have I not a 
 right to advance this declaration, when many of 
 those who made me an offer, had no pretensions 
 in themselves, no claim whatever upon my af- 
 fection or even approbation ? And may I not 
 therefore with reason suppose that many other 
 women have to complain of the same sort of 
 thing ? Yet notwithstanding all this, the offer, 
 forsooth, is, in itself, a compliment — as men 
 frequently consider it ! 
 
 I thought it as well to throw out a remark 
 such as this on entering upon the most trying 
 part of the history of a young woman, held in 
 request and at her own disposal, in order to 
 prepare my readers for the excessive imper- 
 tinence of many that harassed me with the din 
 of matrimony, who, though as characters they 
 are allowed to figure in these pages, yet were 
 in themselves an extremely inferior kind of 
 personages.
 
 ^48 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Their conduct, however, is nothing inconsist- 
 ent with human nature ; for in proportion as 
 a man''s pretensions are low, his conceit, arro- 
 gance, and audacity are, generally speaking, 
 sure to be high : and if in the present remarks 
 I may appear chargeable with any thing like 
 flippancy, I am sure I have borne quite 
 enough from the other sex to justify myself 
 in exhibiting it.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 249 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 " THE NAVY CAPTAIN." 
 
 I ESTABLISHED iiiyself, after my father's de- 
 cease, in London as my head-quarters, having 
 many acquaintance residing there, to whom it 
 was a satisfaction to me to be near. The smiles 
 of summer were now upbraiding me for linger- 
 ing any longer in the smoke and confinement 
 of town : and my inclinations led me to make 
 experiment of a water excursion this year, by 
 way of a change. My course was directed 
 towards Southampton, whither I was accompa- 
 nied as usual by my two old domestics, who 
 both still had activity and spirits to follow me 
 upon my most adventurous rambles. 
 
 Of late years yachts have come very much 
 into fashion ; at the time of which I am now 
 
 M 5
 
 250 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 speaking, and at which I embarked in one, 
 they were not so common. Doubtless, there 
 was the very best of all reasons for their com- 
 parative scarcity, since people in those trou- 
 blous times of war, were employed on more 
 serious subjects than that of prosecuting pro- 
 jects of amusement : not to mention that sailing 
 was not then so safe an enterprise as it is now, 
 since, if it were conducted to a little too 
 venturous an extent, a French cruiser might 
 possibly have borne down upon the holiday 
 sailors, and either have captured their galley, 
 or blown her up, together with the live lumber 
 with which she was freighted. 
 
 But now, in these sportive times of peace, 
 the ''merry lieges**' roam whither they list 
 over sea, without the apprehension of such 
 disasters: — well, too, must it be said of them, 
 do they make use of their liberty : and they 
 are rio-ht ! for none of us can ever answer 
 how soon circumstances may possibly arise, 
 which may place our coasts in their former 
 defensive attitude. 
 
 The plan of our excursion was first to sail
 
 AN OLD MAID. 251 
 
 along the South-western coast, and then to 
 coast round the Isle of Wight. Our Captain 
 was a thorough-bred hero of the navy ; and his 
 superintendence of our little vessel was deemed 
 by him altogether an act of condescension, — no 
 doubt, in order to show his gallantry to some 
 ladies on board, with whom he might be ac- 
 quainted, as residents at Southampton. As I 
 have stated him to be a genuine tar of that 
 day, it will be almost needless for me to add 
 the observation, that he was also a terrible 
 swearer. It is a pity that blaspheming used to 
 be so professional with gallant sailors in those 
 stirring times. 
 
 In person, Captain Wrench, for such was 
 this hero's name, was short and thick set : he 
 had a scar over his left eye, was horridly pitted 
 with the small-pox, and had a harsh red 
 colour in his cheeks, similar to that of an old 
 brick. 
 
 As every body used to expect and to excuse 
 oaths that proceeded from a '* navy captain ;'' 
 the " free and easy" way in which Captain 
 W^rench blasphemed, and by which he flattered
 
 252 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 himself he rendered his conversation agreeable, 
 gave those who heard him, an inclination to be 
 amused, in spite either of themselves, or of 
 his outrageous vulgarity. His self-compla- 
 cency was testified by a wink and a chuckle 
 at the end of each sentence, or I might say, 
 at the end of every two or three oaths he ut- 
 tered. Captain Wrench was dressed in blue 
 trowsers of course, and a coat of the naval uni- 
 form : by way of being particularly " smart'* 
 that day, he wore a red cloth waistcoat. 
 
 As few ladies are supposed to be acquainted 
 with sea-phrases and nautical terms, it will be 
 needless for me to apologize if I give but a 
 comparatively small portion of all that fell from 
 his mouth. Nor could I possibly shock either 
 myself or my readers, so far as to recapitulate 
 his neat, professional blasphemy, which would 
 terrify a sea-captain of the present day out of 
 his wits, but as far as I can recollect the sub- 
 stance and spirit of this elegant man's obser- 
 vations, I shall be willing to record them. 
 
 " Well, Mistress," said the gallant Captain, 
 addressing himself to a pursy and elderly lady
 
 AN OLD MAID. 253 
 
 named Mrs. Plumtre, who was squatted near 
 the stern, '' how do you relish your salt water 
 frolic, eh. Ma'am ? You look squeamish, I 
 fancy, and would be all the better if you were 
 to steady ship with a small heart's drop of 
 grog; d — n me if you wouldn't, Ma'am ! Tom ! 
 lower the top-sail a little ! steady, my boy ! — 
 that haliard lower still ! that will do — that will 
 dor.... 
 
 " Why, upon my word," answered Mrs. 
 Plumtre, in a whimpering sort of voice, '' I 
 really am inclined to feel a little nervous — I 
 am indeed !" 
 
 " What about, God bless you .?" demanded 
 Wrench, laughing : " nervous ! you should be 
 out a thousand leagues at sea — dancing about 
 in a smart gale, with a swift dark scud flying 
 over your head — you might talk of being ner- 
 vous then !" 
 
 " Why, the wind did spring up, so suddenly 
 just now, when you ordered them to lower the 
 sail, that I 'm confident we shall meet with some 
 accident.'* 
 
 The Captain bellowed out into a horse-laugh.
 
 254 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " Lord bless my heart ! accident ! why one 
 might ahnost fancy we were in a desperate 
 squall — tlie ship no longer able to bear her 
 courses — her backstays gone, and shrouds creak- 
 ing, as if they were about to break, — her top 
 gallant yards struck down, — helm forced to be 
 * lashed' — or God knows what else ! — haugh, 
 haugh, haugh !" 
 
 Mrs. Plumtre was not rendered at all more 
 confident by the bantering of the Captain, but 
 continued, " I said to Mr. Plumtre before I 
 set out, — ' Mr. Plumtre,"* said I, ' I never go on 
 the water without apprehensions, my dear; for 
 if the vessel should be blown towards the French 
 coast. Heaven knows what might happen ! Very 
 serious consequences, I fear ; we might be taken 
 prisoners and guillotined V What would poor 
 Plumtre do, if such a thing was to happen ? 
 Oh dear! Oh dear !" 
 
 The Captain reiterated his burst of laughter 
 at Mrs. Plumtre''s expressions of uneasiness. 
 " Taken prisoners and guillotined ! Why, 
 Lord a mighty, then, what makes you squeam- 
 ish folks leave shore ? Blown to the French
 
 AN OLD MAID. ^55 
 
 coast ! ha ! ha ! Why have we not sails and a 
 rudder, I should like to know ? Our vessel is 
 * scudding' I suppose, or being drifted the lee- 
 way,* or lying, may be, on her beam-ends ?. . . . 
 Lord ! Lord ! — Why bless my heart, these two 
 pretty young ladies are not afraid, I 'm sure, of 
 being blown away to the French coast : are 
 you, my dears?" 
 
 This apostrophe was directed to myself, and 
 to a lady of about my own age sitting next me, 
 and on whose face, as well as my own, the fears 
 of the lubberly Dame Plumtre, and the rough 
 marine style of the captain, had awakened a 
 smile. Her age seemed about the same as my 
 own, then scarcely twenty- two, her complexion 
 was briffht and clear, her nose a delicate small 
 Roman ; her lip prettily pouting, her eye dark 
 and sparkling, her hair hanging in full, negli- 
 gent curls down the sides of her face, her look 
 cheerful and animated, her air dignified, grace- 
 ful and prepossessing. 
 
 * That is, when a ship is driven sideways at the mercy of 
 the wind, when deprived of her sails and helm.
 
 9.56 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 The smile which we mutually recognised on 
 each other''s countenances, supplied the place of 
 any introduction : in half an hour's time we felt 
 a friendship for each other : and so soon were 
 we sensible of the sympathy which we possessed, 
 the one for the other, and the congenial liveli- 
 ness and contentedness of our dispositions, that 
 it did not require any great foresight in us to 
 perceive that we should love each other to our 
 dying day. This person was no other than 
 my dear Lady Kate : she was accompanied on 
 her excursion by a noble relative, her uncle, who 
 had come on board for the benefit of his health, 
 being a considerable invalid ; on which account 
 it was, that I had little or no communication 
 with him during the expedition, although we 
 sat not far from each other throughout the whole 
 period of it. 
 
 Mrs. Plumtre's fears, so far from becoming 
 abated by the Captain's ribaldry, were strength- 
 ened more and more as the breeze sprung up 
 fresher and fresher. How it could ever have 
 led her to apprehend being blown over to the
 
 AN OLD MAID. 257 
 
 coast of France, when it blew nearly due west- 
 ward, was as much beyond my comprehension, 
 as Captain Wrench's. At length, nothing would 
 satisfy her but being instantly rowed to shore, 
 from which we were but a short distance. One 
 or two other squeamish people, whom the 
 rocking of the vessel began to affect more than 
 they had bargained for, were packed off to land 
 together with her. Amongst these, I ought to 
 specify three elderly females, who, the Captain 
 had observed to me with a wink, were old 
 maids dwelling at Southampton. " They are 
 the d — d'st bores in the world,'' said he, " to 
 talk to : they are three sisters, who have always 
 lived together, and have the same set of stories 
 to tell on all occasions. If one begins to tell 
 you any thing, the other is sure to take it out of 
 her mouth, and there seems always a contest 
 between 'em to see which of the three can either 
 silence or outgabble the others. Look at 'em ! 
 there they are ! at it again as fast as ever ! Do 
 you see 'em sitting by the bow there ; — they 
 have got a basket of jargonel pears and sponge
 
 25S CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 biscuits to munch between 'em, and they 11 all 
 be as sick as cats before long — you mind me if 
 they are not.'* 
 
 There they were indeed, as Wrench had said, 
 prating and munching as if they were literally 
 pitted against each other for a wager. The 
 disagreeable prediction of the Captain was ve- 
 rified, relative to the effect of the jargonel 
 pears. 
 
 " Heavens !" I exclaimed to myself, " I hope, 
 if ever I am destined to be an old maid, I may 
 not be such a creature as any one of these 
 Southampton ladies !" The eldest of them was 
 hump-backed, and underjawed ; the second was 
 blind of one eye, and had no teeth ; the third 
 had teeth, but not of ivory, and possessed also 
 a very sinister squint. Their complexion was 
 uniformly of a bottle-green colour. They v/ore 
 black beaver bonnets ; their gowns were a taw- 
 ny-coloured stuff, over which were black cloth 
 pelisses : their name was Manchcrail — so fare- 
 well ! ye fair Misses Manchcrail ! 
 
 Together with this choice crew, I dispatched 
 to shore my two old domestics, with whom the
 
 AN OLD MAID. 259 
 
 motion of the vessel did not very well agree, 
 with directions to go back to Southampton, and 
 await my return thither ; adding, that I was 
 perfectly safe in the company of my new ac- 
 quaintance. As these fresh-water creatures 
 scrambled into the boat, the Captain did not 
 see them depart without an ejaculation, to the 
 purport that he was " glad to get rid of the 
 land lubbers, and be d — d to them !" 
 
 Our trim little vessel glided along at a brisk 
 rate, as the Captain said, '* Ten knots an hour, 
 by G — !"* To him this was perfectly delight- 
 ful ; and infused so much honest hilarity into 
 his soul, that he whistled and snapped his fin- 
 gers, and stumped about deck, and blasphem- 
 ed, more merrily than before. In the glee of 
 his spirit, he called on the boatswain to give 
 the ladies a hornpipe, which was then all the 
 rage amongst the '^ Jack Tars of Old England." 
 
 It was now evening, the moon v/as up and 
 the waves glistening in a wide sheet of silve^ 
 light. An old sailor, who was an excellent 
 piper, poured the notes of his rude melody over 
 the waters ; the boatswain began scuffling his
 
 260 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 hornpipe on deck, and the novelty of the scene 
 altogether — the sounds of the pipe mingling 
 with the murmur of the wind — the beautiful 
 and shining expanse of water — the moist tops 
 of rocks bordering the coast, seen glittering 
 through the moonlight, combined to afford my- 
 self and my friend much pleasure. 
 
 " Well done, Tom !" vociferated the Captain, 
 when the sailor had finished his dance ; " that 
 hornpipe is worth a hundred of your ball-room 
 jigs, or your prim, pacing minuets ! What do 
 you say, ladies?"" 
 
 " Indeed !" we replied, " we think it has a 
 good deal of effect on board a ship." 
 
 " Ay ; but you ought to see that dance on 
 board a ship when she is some hundreds of 
 miles out at sea I It is ^^ew that the seaman 
 enjoys the joviality of a hornpipe, and the 
 circulation of the grog." 
 
 " It must then, no doubt, be more interest- 
 ing," I replied, " in proportion as the separa- 
 tion from all objects of enjoyment which shore 
 aflPords, is greater." 
 
 That's truly said, by G — d is it ! There, 
 
 «
 
 AN OLD MAID. S6l 
 
 Tom, go round to the ladies, they '11 treat you 
 to a can of grog, I '11 warrant, bless their pretty 
 hearts ! Here 's a tester for you, my boy, from 
 myself, to begin with.*" 
 
 We added our donation to that of the Cap- 
 tain, dropping it into the hat which was held 
 out to receive it, and were repaid by many 
 blunt and honest thanks, with a promise of 
 being entertained with a hornpipe as often as 
 we chose to call for it. Bill, the piper, was 
 not forgotten, and after he had gone his round, 
 we were regaled by the Captain himself, who 
 declared himself in " rare piping cue" that 
 evening. His voice was harsh and strong ; but 
 tempered by the breeze, its harshness was in 
 some measure subdued, and its notes at the 
 same time derived a wildness that rendered 
 them far from disagreeable : he sung one ballad 
 characteristic of the spirit of the sea songs of the 
 day, which no doubt figures in all collections of 
 that species. And when this was concluded, 
 he thought proper to regale us a second time 
 with a stanza or two of a different description. 
 There was something touching about the words,
 
 262 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 which occasioned me, at the time, to impress 
 them on my memory. To the best of my 
 recollection they were these:— 
 
 THE captain's SONG. 
 
 Hath Fate thy bark swept o'er, 
 
 Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea ? 
 From Friends — Home's cherisli'd hearth. 
 And smile, best-lov'd on earth, 
 Of her whose heart is one, 
 And beats but with thine own ? 
 — 'Hiou know'st not how they 're dear, 
 
 Till far o'er the sea ! 
 
 For when is Home most dear ? 
 
 Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea ! 
 When pangs are most sincere 
 That own man's lot severe ; 
 — One, dull, dank, void surrounding. 
 The wearied vision bounding — 
 'Tis then, is Home most dear ; 
 
 Far o'er the sea ! 
 
 And when, are Friends most dear ? 
 
 Far o'er the sea, far o'er the sea 
 For them, when steals the tear. 
 In vain regretted here, 
 — When no fond hopes are waking 
 The bitter severance breaking. 
 ' Tis then, are friends most dear. 
 
 Far o'er the sea !
 
 AN OLD MAID. 263 
 
 And Love ! Oli, when most fond ? 
 
 Far o'er the sea, far o*er the sea ! 
 When grateful sighs respond, 
 The heart might all despond, 
 Were no bland dream infusing 
 A balm to soothe its musing. 
 Oh, then ! is Love most fond ; 
 
 Far o'er the sea ! 
 
 « 
 
 From these ne'er sever 'd 5'et, 
 
 Far o'er the sea, far o'er tlie sea ! 
 
 Of all that links to life — 
 
 All, worth our mortal strife ; 
 
 ITie bliss of social ties .... 
 
 Thou ne'er can'st know their price, 
 
 Nor feel what means regret. 
 Till far o'er the sea ! 
 
 At the end of each stanza, the crew of sea- 
 men joined in the chorus ; but the last sounds 
 of their voices had scarcely died away over 
 the water, when a shout from one of them, who 
 had been employed in some little repair in part 
 of the tackle, gave the alarm that the vessel had 
 sprung a leak. 
 
 " A leak 1 a leak ! She has sprung a leak !" 
 was now reiterated by most of the sailors, and 
 the pumps were set to work as fast as possible : 
 the captain endeavouring, as politely as he could
 
 264 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 — swear, to pacify two or three women who were 
 in trepidation even greater than Mrs. Plum- 
 tre had been. A signal was fired — the boats 
 were quickly hoisted overboard, and in a short 
 time our small crew was safely stowed in them, 
 and off we were rowed towards shore. We 
 were hailed by some fishermen, who had heard 
 our signal; they afforded us an escort with 
 their boats, and were ready with any other 
 assistance we might have required. The yacht 
 went down to the bottom, not very long 
 after we had left her, for the swell was now 
 getting greater every moment. The men 
 pulled stoutly to shore, and we were landed 
 not many miles westward of Weymouth, at 
 about half-past ten, with the satisfaction of 
 feeling we had escaped all danger.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 
 
 265 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 " SANCTUM SANCTORUM." 
 
 The signal we had fired of a vessel in dis- 
 tress, had reached the ears of the curate of the 
 neighbourhood, a raw-boned athletic figure, of 
 about the age of eight-and-twenty ; who had, 
 amongst other persons, now sallied down to the 
 beach, ^vith the laudable purpose of seeing if he 
 could oifer assistance to any of the crew that 
 were put on shore : by the style in which he 
 offered it, I perceived that he was evangelical. 
 
 The night was so fine that many of them 
 made no scruple to pursue their way to Wey- 
 mouth, availing themselves of the rustic convey- 
 ances that the people of the village close by 
 supplied. The accommodation of the parsonage- 
 
 VOL. I. N
 
 ^66 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 house was tendered to Lady Kate, her uncle, 
 and their attendants, the captain, and myself ; 
 we being the only remaining persons of the 
 crew that did not intend shifting our quarters 
 that night, as the others had done. Two or 
 three sailors also there were, who found ' a 
 birth' for the night at the village public-house. 
 The offer of Mr. Hezekiah Sanctum, (such, 
 may I well give as the clergyman's name,) was 
 thankfully accepted ; and accordingly he led 
 the way to the parsonage-house, and seemed sur- 
 }3rised at the unconcern with which Lady Kate 
 and myself spoke of the " perilous adventure," 
 from which he congratulated us on having es- 
 caped. 
 
 " My G — d ! there are not two better sailors 
 in all the navy than those ladies, Mr. Sanc- 
 tum," exclaimed the Captain, turning to the 
 Curate, " I '11 forfeit my rank in it, if there 
 arer 
 
 " Indeed, they seem so," replied Mr. Sanc- 
 tum; " God be praised for their escape !"" 
 
 " Why," continued the Captain, addressing 
 himself to us, '' you will look back with double
 
 AN OLD MAID. 267 
 
 pleasure to this day's sailing, on account of the 
 stoutness with which you weathered our bit 
 of an adventure, — which, by the by, might 
 have brought us all to the bottom, just as 
 fairly as if we had sprung a leak in the At- 
 lantic ; d — d if it might not ! It is a pity that 
 old fool of a woman that whined so, for fear 
 she should be blown away to France and guil- 
 lotined, was not in her when she sunk."" 
 
 We were amusing our evangelical host with 
 an account of Mrs. Plumtre's fears, when we 
 arrived at the door of the parsonage-house. 
 
 We were met in the entrance passage by 
 the clergyman''s sister, Miss Rebecca Sanctum, a 
 masculine-looking woman, and of the same raw- 
 boned character of figure that her brother was. 
 He introduced us to her in the following style : 
 — " Behold ! sister Rebecca, I bring into our 
 doors some whom the waves would have swal- 
 lowed up, as the whale of old did Jonas, had 
 not the hand of Providence interfered and ef- 
 fected their deHvery. God be praised for this, 
 and all his mercies !" 
 
 " Praised be the Lord !" ejaculated his sister 
 
 N 2
 
 ^68 
 
 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 Rebecca, in a grunting twang, that vibrated 
 through her nostrils hke the snort of a porpoise. 
 " Walk in, ye delivered by the Lord ! ye sig- 
 nally favoured ones, walk in, and take such 
 refreshment as his handmaid shall offer ye." 
 
 " D — n me,*' said the Captain, in a some- 
 what lower tone than he generally uttered this 
 phrase on deck, " if she won't find out that we 
 ' favoured ones of the Lord' have good appetites 
 after our perils ! " 
 
 " Walk ye in," continued our reverend host, 
 ^'and partake of such viands as the Lord, 
 through the hand of his servants, shall pro- 
 vide you — walk ye in ! Thou sister, go and 
 procure the cheer ; our guests are, no doubt, 
 an hungered, and athirst too." 
 
 " Ay, d — n me if we are not," exclaimed 
 the Captain, forgetting himself. 
 
 Mr. Sanctum's countenance showed how 
 much his naval guest's oaths distressed him. 
 
 " We must be on our good behaviour, Cap- 
 tain," said Lord Frederick, smiling ; " we shall 
 shock our reverend host's ears if we talk to him 
 as we should on board a ship."
 
 AN OLD MAID. 269 
 
 " You are right, my Lord," replied Wrench, 
 good humouredly ; '' that knack we sailors 
 have, of using our tongues so freely, does not 
 certainly sound so natural in the holds of you 
 landsmen, as with us — especially in such sancti- 
 fied quarters as these." 
 
 The entry of Miss Sanctum, and a stout 
 cook, the only domestic in the establishment, 
 with the viands, directed the attention of all 
 parties to the recruital of their appetites. The 
 Captain found himself so busily employed over 
 a round of beef, that he, for the present, forgot 
 his oaths : he gave a fine specimen of the hearty 
 character of his profession, by demolishing al- 
 most sufficient to have fed the parish of which 
 our host had the cure, besides drinking up a 
 proportionate quantity of ale. 
 
 After the repast was concluded, Mr. Sanc- 
 tum told us, that " Verily, his sister had cared 
 for all things that might give comfort to our 
 wearied bodies for the night," — which piece of 
 cant meant to say, that our beds were ready, 
 and the sheets well aired. 
 
 " Maiden, you must be a- wearied," continued
 
 270 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 he, addressing himself to me, *' sweet and 
 sound be thy slumbers. I bid thee a good night, 
 and commend ye all to the Lord !"" 
 
 I thanked him for us all, and withdrew with 
 Lady Kate and Miss Sanctum. The gentle- 
 men (I include the Captain out of courtesy) 
 were shown to their rooms by the pious Mr. Sanc- 
 tum himself. I do not know how it was, but in 
 spite of the evangelical drawl and canting style 
 in vvhich our host thought proper to speak, — 
 notwithstanding he testified so much impatience 
 at the Captain's oaths, — yet I could not help 
 thinking, by the expression of his eye, as he 
 occasionally addressed Lady Kate and myself, 
 that there lurked within him more of the sinner 
 than the saint. My suspicions were not, it 
 should seem, without some shadow of founda- 
 tion. 
 
 Late as it was by the time I found myself 
 in bed, yet I did not feel m.uch fatigued : the 
 expedition I had been upon, possessed so much 
 of interest for me, that I was prevented from 
 falling asleep by thinking it over. I lay awake 
 for about three-quarters of an hour, and was
 
 AN OLD MAID. 271 
 
 just composing myself to sleep, when I heard 
 the handle of my door turn softly and cau- 
 tiously round ; and the moment after, a tall 
 figure entered the room. I screamed out, and 
 the apparition, if such it was, at first retreated : 
 it then came forward again, paused, hesitated, 
 and again stepped forward. I screamed out 
 again and again, louder than before, when the 
 figure strode hastily up to my bed-side, and 
 kneeling down by it, begged of me, in a voice 
 which I easily recognized, for Heaven"*s sake 
 not to alarm the house — that the person who 
 knjelt by my bed-side, was " no one of whom 
 I need be afraid,'' being none other than the 
 very pious and reverend and spiritual Mr. 
 Sanctum himself ! 
 
 Before I could answer him, to express my 
 indignation and shame at his indecorous con- 
 duct in daring to come into my bed-room, this 
 evangelical sinner began vomiting forth a rhap- 
 sody, no longer in the language of cant, about 
 " the ardour of his affection for me, under the 
 influence of which he was urged to seize upon 
 this opportunity for declaring it, though it
 
 272 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 might, indeed, appear too much of an intrusion 
 on my privacy, — beyond all power of resist- 
 ance " He was going on much in this 
 
 style, when the alarm I felt at my situation, 
 made me rouse myself with all the vehemence 
 I could muster up, to reprobate his disgraceful 
 behaviour, and insist upon his instant depar- 
 ture, concluding my demand by a loud scream, 
 which terrified him so much, that it put to flight 
 his ardour, and without more ado forced hira 
 to retreat. The shriek, echoing as it did 
 through the house, set the dog barking, and 
 broke through the slumbers of every body. 
 The passage was quickly thronged by the con- 
 course of Miss Rebecca Sanctum, Lord Fre- 
 derick, the Captain, and my hypocritical host's 
 clumsy cook-maid, all bustling out of their bed- 
 rooms, and inquiring of each other the cause 
 of the noise by which they had been awakened. 
 Sanctum himself was too cunning to appear, 
 for fear I might possibly come forth and im- 
 peach : if he had, I scarcely think that I should 
 have done so, for I considered, with great cha- 
 rity, that as I should be going away the next
 
 AN OLD MAID. 273 
 
 day, it would be hardly worth while to make 
 an exposure of his impropriety in his own 
 house, especially as he had done our whole 
 party a kindness in receiving us beneath his 
 roof, and so I remained quite quiet, satisfying 
 myself with the precaution of double-locking 
 and bolting my door. The persons whom my 
 scream had disturbed, after some jesting about 
 ghosts, and seeking to no purpose the cause of 
 the disturbance, finding at length that every 
 thing was tranquil, separated, to withdraw again 
 to their respective rooms, where they snored 
 through the remainder of the night without 
 farther disturbance. 
 
 N 5
 
 274 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 DEPARTURE FROM THE PARSONAGE-HOUSE, AND 
 THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT THEREON. 
 
 The next morning, the subject of the last 
 night's disturbance was of course agitated. 
 Lady Kate remarked that I looked rather pale, 
 to which I made no farther reply than that 
 I had been fatigued with the adventures of 
 the preceding day. The absence of Captain 
 Wrench, for which nobody was able to account, 
 excited suspicion that he had been implicated in 
 the mystery of the nightly alarm ; but this 
 suspicion could hardly be justly entertained, 
 when it was remembered that he had been one 
 of the number who had sallied forth to learn 
 the cause of the alarm, upon which he lavished 
 more oaths than he would even have uttered 
 on deck.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 275 
 
 Suspicion, as usual, lit any where but on the 
 right place ; and the hypocritical Mr. Sanctum, 
 satisfying himself with the consideration that I 
 should be unwilling to enter on an exposure, in 
 which I myself should form so conspicuous a 
 part, preserved his evangelical look and canting 
 tone as hypocritically as before. I did not turn 
 my eyes once upon the wretch ; his conduct, in 
 my opinion, had been as heinous as any of the 
 worst instances of deceit of the Jesuits, to 
 which body he would have made a worthy 
 
 addition. 
 
 The noise of carriages rolling on the gravel 
 road, up to the parsonage- house, directed our 
 attention to see what they might portend. We 
 were agreeably surprised by the presence of the 
 Captain, who shortly informed us, that he had 
 posted off to Weymouth that morning, before 
 any of us were up, to procure conveyances " for 
 the ladies." 
 
 He had actually thought proper to bring 
 over two barouches and four, swearing that 
 we should set off from the parsonage-house
 
 S76 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 " in style !" and promising himself the pleasure 
 of driving me — as far as Southampton, if I 
 pleased — himself. 
 
 For my own part, I was so anxious to leave 
 my present quarters, that I eagerly embraced 
 his proposal, and accordingly lost no time in set- 
 ting off. Lord Frederick, Lady Kate, and their 
 domestics, inside and out, occupied one of the 
 barouches ; and I was left the other all to my- 
 self. Leaving my friends to make acknowledg- 
 ments to Mr. Sanctum, I confined myself to 
 thanking his sister for her entertainment, and 
 bethought me of proceeding on my way im- 
 mediately. The Captain's gallantry was not 
 contented with having provided ' the ladies,' 
 conveyances; but he must also insist on pro- 
 secuting his intentions of showing me the 
 farther politeness of being my charioteer, an 
 office which I very much doubted his compe- 
 tence to discharge. 
 
 The other barouche was driven by an ex- 
 perienced coachman, who seemed an excellent 
 whip: although he mounted his box ]ast,_yet
 
 AN OLD MAID. 277 
 
 he took the lead of the Captain, much to his 
 annoyance, as he was desirous of exhibiting his 
 gallantry to myself, to the utmost. I ventured 
 to express a hope, as I got into the carriage, 
 that he would be careful, which he answered 
 with a triumphant appeal to the style in which 
 he had driven from Weymouth. I was heartily 
 sorry that the man who had driven the other 
 carriage over, had not brought with him some 
 brother coachman to lend his assistance, in case 
 of the possible incompetency of the gallant 
 Wrench. All impatience to overtake the other 
 
 barouche, my hero d d away, and cracked 
 
 his whip, and " touched up " the flanks of 
 his leaders, till we were full gallop on a very 
 bad road, full of ruts, and not much broader 
 than a lane. It will be no matter of difficulty 
 to foresee, that the very first turning to which 
 we should come, must be the scene of an over- 
 turn. As there happened to be a tolerably high 
 bank by the road, or rather lane, side, the upset 
 was not so serious as it might have been, and 
 the horses were stopped from dragging tlie
 
 278 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 vehicle after the overturn, by a troop of mowers, 
 who, happening to pass by from, the village at 
 the time, gave us their assistance, and helped 
 me out of the carnage. 
 
 The Captain was tossed from the box with 
 a jerk over the hedge ; being, as has been stated, 
 dumpy in stature, stout and thick-set, he sus- 
 tained little or no injury, and soon recovered 
 breath to swear with his usual freedom and 
 facility. He scrambled over a stile, a short 
 distance from the spot where he fell, and came 
 back towards the carriage, in order to resume 
 his seat on the box ; assuring me that I need 
 not be afraid to trust myself under his care a 
 second time, since we should soon find the road 
 better than it had hitherto been, and he would 
 take care to drive less rapidly, especially as 
 there was no chance now of his overtaking the 
 other vehicle. But I would not hear any re- 
 monstrances of this sort, but was obstinate in 
 my determination not to be driven by him any 
 more. The more I resisted, the more earnest 
 in his request did this ' navy captain' become ;
 
 AN OLD MAID. 279 
 
 and I kno^v not whether his vehemence would 
 not ultimately have led him to attempting to 
 put me into the carriage again against my will, 
 had he not been interrupted by a voice on the 
 other side of the hedge, which roared out, " Stay 
 thy hand, barbarous, salt-water bumpkin ! where- 
 fore threatenest thou thus, the damsel ? Let 
 me hasten to chastise thee, monster, as thou 
 deservest !" 
 
 These words were followed by the appear- 
 ance of the evangelical hypocrite Sanctum, who, 
 I suppose prognosticating some mischief, had 
 followed us on our track, in order that he might 
 be in readiness to repair the insult he had of- 
 fered me on the preceding evening, by any as- 
 sistance which an accident on the road mi^ht 
 possibly call for. His gaunt long figure was 
 seen forcing itself through a gap in the hedge, 
 and a moment after, he rushed down the bank, 
 and met the captain with a violent blow, which 
 ^ sent him reeling backwards some paces. 
 
 The Captain, however, staggered but for a 
 moment ; when recovering himself, and being
 
 280 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 very active in spite of his stumpy figure, he 
 sprung up the bank behind Sanctum, and 
 jumping on his back clung round his neck by 
 one arm, and pommelled the " parson's" visage 
 witli back-handed blows, which sht his right 
 nostril, and caused the blood to pour forth in 
 torrents. 
 
 The parson^ (I use Wrench's appellation) 
 with some difficulty having emancipated him- 
 self from the impediment on his back, turned 
 his face to his adversary, and " let fly" both fists 
 upon his nose and eyes, by which he accom- 
 plished the " bunging up" of both the latter, 
 and fetched from the former, what, in the lan- 
 guage of the " fancy," (as newspaper reports 
 show me,) is termed " claret"" as copiously as 
 it flowed from his own. 
 
 I screamed out to the combatants to desist, 
 saying that their conduct was disgraceful and 
 outrageous ; and that if they either of them 
 hoped to find any favour in my eyes, they 
 would instantly undouble their fists, shake 
 hands, and endeavour to advance me on my
 
 AN OLD MAID. J1J8I 
 
 journey by the safest and most advisable means. 
 After some little time — (during which, Sanctum 
 was pommelling his foe like another Gideon, 
 or a Sampson smashing the Philistine marrow 
 bones, with the ass's jaw-bone by way of 
 cleaver) — the combat was brought to a close, 
 to the great good fortune of the Captain, who 
 must have been murdered, had the unequal 
 fight much longer continued ; so much more 
 powerful was his antagonist than he. He again 
 renewed his request of being allowed to take 
 the reins ; but as I would not hear of it, and as 
 Sanctum protested he well understood the ma^- 
 nagement of them, it was settled that he should 
 act as coachman, while the Captain was to take 
 his seat inside, with myself, for to sit on the 
 same box with another who was performing the 
 office of which himself was ambitious, was too 
 much for his pride to support. Pretty figures, 
 truly, did my escort present. My coachman 
 with the blood gushing forth from his nose, 
 and with one eye sealed up : and the gen- 
 tleman by my side, with his face swelled to
 
 282 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 the size of a pumpkin, and presenting all 
 colours, like a haggiss ; with his eyes also 
 sealed up, and his nose flattened to a level 
 with his face. In this beautiful trim, we 
 arrived at Weymouth, before the gaze of the 
 wondering mob ; who seeing one lady, and two 
 gentlemen in the maimed, or bruised, condition 
 in which they were, could not be at a loss to 
 guess that they had been quarrelling about the 
 charms of her whom they escorted. 
 
 The impudence of the Captain was scarcely less 
 than that of his evangelical antagonist on the 
 preceding night : he was in no wise abashed 
 by the drubbing he had received ; but actually, 
 when he was so frightfully disfigured that his 
 natural ugliness was beyond measure increased, 
 such had been the discipline of Sanctum's 
 knuckles, — he had the absurdity, while we were 
 in the carriage together, to pay his addresses to 
 me, vowing his affection for me and deploring 
 his bruises by turns. I could do no more 
 than laugh at him on either account ; whether 
 for being such a fool as to bring himself into
 
 AN OLD MAID. 283 
 
 the late predicament, under which he suffered : 
 or for his extravagance, in pretending to pay 
 his addresses to me, which, under any circum- 
 stances, I should reject with disdain ; but which, 
 in his present condition, were absolutely pre- 
 posterous. 
 
 On my arrival at Weymouth, I found Lady 
 Kate and her uncle waiting to hear what had 
 been the reason of our delay. I much amused 
 them with a recital of the ludicrous affray that 
 had taken place ; and the facetiousiiess, as I 
 charitably termed it, of the Captain, in paying 
 his addresses to me when he was really hideous 
 enough to have terrified an Ogress into fits. 
 As they were going on to Southampton, I 
 took the opportunity of emancipating myself 
 from my rival lovers, by accompanying my 
 friends on their journey thither. 
 
 On reaching Southampton, I found my do- 
 mestics awaitinf]r mv arrival, as I had directed 
 them. My inclinations now led me to bend my 
 course through the New Forest. Lady Kate 
 and her uncle radiated off, eastward : we part-
 
 284 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 ed with the hope of meeting each other again 
 on our return to town next season. It had 
 been my intention to have stayed at Southamp- 
 ton some little time; but the dread of again 
 encountering the vulgar Captain, of whom I 
 was heartily sick, did not permit me to hesitate 
 a moment about leaving the place. 
 
 By the by, the mention of this, my in- 
 troduction to Kate, leads me to turn from my 
 romance a moment, to observe, that my surprise 
 remains as little dispelled as ever, relative to 
 her recent, sudden departure from town. I still 
 hear nothing of her, nor can I in the least guess 
 when I shall.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 285 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 THE RAMBLE CONTINUED. 
 
 In my journey ings about the New Forest, I 
 stopped at Lyndhurst for a short time, to finish 
 some sketches that I had made in the course of 
 my expedition, and to buy a fresh stock of 
 pencils for the purpose of taking views in the 
 New Forest. As I was walking down the vil- 
 lage, accompanied by Margaret, I was accost- 
 ed by a young man on horseback, who rode 
 up to me smiling and bowing — " delighted to 
 have met me, and charmed at seeing me so 
 well," and so forth. 
 
 This was young Lord Frippington, the iden- 
 tical person with whose son the reader has 
 seen me playing so prominent a part in a former
 
 286 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 portion of this history, though at a very future 
 period of my Hfe. Lord Frippington had been 
 some time an acquaintance of mine, and one 
 of the most devoted of my admirers. When 
 he understood that it was my intention to con- 
 tinue my journey almost immediately, he en- 
 treated of me most earnestly to change my 
 mind, for the purpose of riding with him to 
 see the hounds throw off the next morning, at 
 the distance of a few miles from the place. 
 A number of distinguished persons were to be 
 on the field, amongst whom were the Duke 
 
 of D , Lord S , and the Honourable 
 
 Mr. P , and various others of rank and dis- 
 tinction. There was to be such a stag hunt 
 as had rarely, if ever, been witnessed before in 
 that part of the country. 
 
 Always active, and fond of adventure, I did 
 not hesitate very long to comply with his pro- 
 posal, and being promised by my cavalier that 
 he would mount me on a pretty gentle steed, I 
 consented to ride with him to see the hounds 
 throw off the next morning.
 
 AN OLD MAID. 287 
 
 The field afforded, indeed, a grand and ani- 
 mating spectacle : the throngs of distinguished 
 equestrians, many of whom I recognized, in their 
 scarlet uniform ; the beautiful horses on which 
 they were mounted ; the cheering sounds of the 
 huntsman's horn — the impatient baying of the 
 hounds — the cry of wild delight when the 
 quarry started before them, echoing through 
 the forest glades, were to me delightful. I 
 longed, giddy creature as I was, to be one of 
 those happy sportsmen, with a long whip and a 
 red coat, flying away over hedge and ditch, 
 splashing through streamlets, and galloping 
 over mead and fallow, " neck or nothing," as 
 they would have said. 
 
 " With a hey, hoa, che^7 ! 
 
 Hark forward ! hark forward ! tantivy 1" 
 
 woods and hills and dales, resounding beneath 
 the tramp of horses, — to the bay of the pack 
 giving tongue, and the hunting-cry of emulous 
 sportsmen ! 
 Lord Frippington kept close by "^y side the
 
 288 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 whole way from Lyndhurst to the scene of the 
 chase. '' Come, let us follow them a little way,"" 
 he exclaimed, '*! long to gallop after them !" — 
 so without saying more, he gave my palfrey a 
 flick with his whip, and away we went at full 
 speed after the rest of the field. 
 
 We had not ridden very long before he sud- 
 denly turned his horse down an avenue of the 
 Forest, quite in a contrary direction from that 
 which the field were pursuing, my horse follow- 
 ing his at full gallop ; we rode down it, till it 
 brought us to the open road .... What was 
 my surprise at finding his Lordship's carriage 
 and four, waiting, evidently by a preconcerted 
 plan, in readiness to hurry me away. 
 
 I was entirely in his power, as I did not 
 know the way back to Lyndhurst, by the lanes 
 and gates through which he had brought me ; 
 neither did I know which direction to take on 
 the high-road, since it branched out just at this 
 spot in different ways, without any notice as to 
 which of its branches led to the village ; so I 
 could do nothing more than protest against the
 
 AN OLD MAID. 289 
 
 treacherous and unworthy stratagem by which 
 I had been cajoled. But it was to little pur- 
 pose that I talked ; I was quickly taken from 
 my steed by his Lordship and one of his 
 grooms, and deposited in the carriage, weeping 
 and protesting, by turns, at the barbarous treat- 
 ment I was receiving. 
 
 He, on his part, was all the while protesting 
 no less loudly how distractedly he loved me,^ 
 and begging me to pacify myself, since I might, 
 he declared, repose confidence in his honour and 
 affection for me. I called to the grooms to res- 
 cue me, and entreated them not to suffer such 
 unmanly and cruel conduct in their master ; but 
 they did not at all show themselves to be of the 
 melting mood, but relentlessly permitted his 
 Lordship to carry me away, wherever he pleased. 
 
 I begged to know where it was his inten- 
 tion to conduct me. I was informed that the 
 place of our destination at present was his own 
 house in London. I hoped for an opportunity 
 of making my situation known as we passed 
 through the towns on our way ; but my abduc- 
 
 VOL. I. o
 
 290 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 tor took the precaution of hurrying rapidly 
 through every town to which we came, and not 
 changing horses till we had passed some way 
 beyond them. 
 
 Never did I cease, throughout the whole 
 journey, inveighing against the outrageous man- 
 ner in which I was treated : this, however, had 
 little effect on him ; he answered all my up- 
 braidings with ardent declarations of his pas- 
 sion — his wish to make me his bride — and, in 
 fact, permitted me to rail on, till I was utterly 
 exhausted. 
 
 We were at length whirled up to the door 
 of a house in Cavendish Square, at which we 
 stopped. The blinds, which had hitherto been 
 pulled down, were now, for the first time du- 
 ring our journey, drawn up. I was soon hand- 
 ed by my lover into the house, and as quickly 
 conducted up-stairs into the drawing-room. I 
 thought proper not to make any desperate scene, 
 until I should have tried what a little calm 
 reasoning would do — for the man really seemed 
 to love me ; and if I had believed him, " even
 
 AN OLD MAID. 291 
 
 to distraction,^'' as it is called. Though he 
 addressed me with wondrous respect, yet he at 
 the same time gave me to know, that he was 
 determined in his resolution of not suffering 
 me to leave the house, until he had extorted 
 from me the promise that I would accede to 
 his wishes of marrying me. 
 
 With tears, sighs, protestations, clasping of 
 hands, and other desperately amorous symp- 
 toms, did he prosecute his suit, but I remained 
 " relentless as a rock ;" and finding that all 
 calm remonstrance was futile, I again had re- 
 course to vehement reprobations of his tyranny 
 in keeping me thus his prisoner, but all to no 
 purpose. I had now been in captivity as much 
 as two days; on the morning of the third I 
 sent him a message from my room, saying, that 
 from his treatment of me, I was very unwell, 
 and that unless he would allow me to go home, 
 I should positively become excessively ill. 
 This expedient only served to make my condi- 
 tion worse ; nothing could satisfy my distract- 
 ed admirer, but coming up to my room to see 
 
 o 2
 
 292 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 me the moment I was dressed ; when he again 
 went through all the fustian which his passion 
 had before dictated ; while I, on my part, 
 uttered mj retaliatory volley of upbraiding and 
 expostulation. I used such bitter language, 
 that he wished me to believe that he was quite 
 overpowered with it ; and by way of stage 
 effect, staggered out of my room with his hand 
 pressed before his eyes, pretending to sob, as 
 if his heart would burst. 
 
 As soon as I had got rid of him, I sat 
 some little time considering what I should do, 
 and then went down-stairs into the drawing- 
 room, confidently determined that this day 
 should be the last of my captivity. I calmly 
 inquired of him, if he was yet willing to come 
 to a sense of propriety, and would permit me 
 to go to my own residence ? I met with a re- 
 fusal, delivered on the same principle by which 
 all his former tyranny had been justified, — when 
 I instantly sprung to the casement, flung it 
 open, and screamed out for assistance as loudly 
 as I could. The cry soon brought a mob to-
 
 AN OLD MAID. 203 
 
 gedier : hackney-coachmen, footmen, shopmen, 
 dustmen, butcher's boys, and knife-grinders, 
 foot-soldiers, and straggling grenadiers, sweeps, 
 and old-clothesmen — all came pouring in motley 
 inundation before the house. I still continued 
 screaming out that I was forcibly retained, 
 against my will, in the house in which they saw 
 me, and begged of them to liberate me. This 
 address soon brought his lordship to his senses, 
 and also brought him — to the window ; which, 
 no doubt, he w^as apprehensive would be soon 
 saluted with a battery of missiles, especially as 
 the mob were roarino; out about " IFiolatine; the 
 liberty of the subject !" " The sperit of Magni/ 
 Charta, and the Mbeas Corpus Aact V He 
 opened another of the casements and endea- 
 voured to persuade them that my appeal to 
 them had been entirely groundless, and that it 
 was far from his wishes to detain me ag-ainst 
 my will. But his lordship's logic was thrown 
 away upon their obstinate incredulity ; they 
 insisted with one voice, that " no lady would 
 cry out in that there manner in which I had
 
 <294 CONFESSIONS OF 
 
 called to them, unless she were shameful! v 
 trflted." 
 
 They farther threatened that they would 
 break open the street-door and take me from 
 him by force, unless I was instantly set at liberty 
 as I desired. The matter was cut short by the 
 entry of two police-officers into the room, who 
 expostulated with his Lordship in pretty strong 
 terms, about the breach of the peace of which 
 he was guilty, and which no privileges he might 
 boast could justify, and the probable conse- 
 quences of such behaviour. They were in- 
 terrupted by me with a request that they would 
 say nothing more about the matter, but directly 
 procure me a safe escort home, which was all I 
 required. 
 
 My request was soon complied with : I was 
 put into the carriage of a gentleman who resided 
 a few doors off, and kindly offered me the accom- 
 modation. The mob, seeing me at liberty, dis- 
 persed, but not till after I had thrown amongst 
 them, like Wellborn in the play, some testimo- 
 nies of my acknowledgment, that it was to them
 
 AN OLD MAID. 295 
 
 that I considered my delivery due. This piece 
 of generosity ehcited from them three cheers 
 of applause, in the din of which huzzaing, I was 
 driven off in great triumph to my residence. 
 
 END OF THF FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 LONDON : 
 riiSNTKI) LY S. AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET.