LAWRENCE J. GUTTER 
 
 Collection of Chicogoono 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 AT CHICAGO 
 
 The University Library 
 
X 
 
 THIRD 
 MONTHLY DIISTNER 
 
 Weai26:sa8.2^, Fe£raar^ 14t^, 1900. 
 HoTEXi Bismarck. 
 
 JULIUS GOLDZIER. 
 Committee of Arrangements: \ WALTER J. RAYMER. 
 EUGENE R. PIKE. 
 
 ■I 
 
©artercoauPi ng. 
 
 ^f the drainage board the bridges would build, 
 
 ^f the dreams of T^aGann would come true, 
 ^f the city's vaults were witl} money filled, 
 
 ^f ^llicott's schemes would do. 
 ^f the tunnels could be lowered some afternoon, 
 
 J^nd done at the con^p' nies' e^bense, 
 ^f the river could be deepened wiil} a tablesbooq, 
 
 '^iih thaqlfs for the recompense, 
 ^f ^errmanq could worlf his underground trolley, 
 
 ^f Golds ier could bury the trades, 
 ^f the ta^-payer could be cured of his folly 
 
 ji^nd never object to his ta^, 
 ^f qoboby J^ic^ed about dirty streets 
 
 ©r because tl^ey are not lighted, 
 ^f paving contractors never were cl^eats, 
 
 ^f alleys never were sli^tited. 
 ^f "ijipley some robbers and burglars would talfe, 
 
 ^f licensed were each bar and tap, 
 Q/^, what a dandy rqayor ^'d rqaiie, 
 
 The job would be a snap. 
 
fMENul 
 
 BLUE POINTS 
 
 OLIVES ENGLISH CELERY RADISHES 
 
 RussiA-N Sandwiches 
 
 CHICKEN BOUILLON 
 
 (rN CDPs) 
 
 PLANKED ^VHITEFISH 
 
 TORNEDOS OF* BEEF" 
 
 (gerbiax style) 
 
 MALLARD DUCK 
 
 COMBINATION SALAD MIXED COMPOTE 
 
 CHEESE 
 
 COFFEE CIGARS 
 
Hold up the street car companies, 
 
 Go sell tl^e city l^all, 
 Dispose of tl^e water-works system 
 
 Before she goes to the wall, 
 
 Sandbag tl^e sanitary district, 
 Get money wherever you can. 
 
 E'en rent your beautiful air-castles, 
 Sweet dreamer, Larrg McGann, 
 
 Motfter <Ku66arc| J<?erfoof. 
 
 Old Kerfoot Hubbard went to the cupboard 
 To see wl^ere the moqey went, 
 
 When l^e got there the treas'ry was bare 
 Ar|d he couldn't find a cent, 
 
 He went to the banks, but l^e got qo thanks, 
 He sweat till he melted his collar, 
 
 He begged ar\d plead, he swore, 'tis said, 
 But he couldn't borrow a dollar. 
 
iiY. "^aPenfine'A f^oPf ©afP. 
 
 COUOHLIN: 
 
 The glas!< of fashion and the mould of form. 
 
 —Hamlet. 
 
 KENNA: 
 
 Short aUhe of stature and of speech. 
 Yet in the "fusV aman of mighty reach. 
 
 GUN THE R: 
 Things sweet prove in digestion sour. 
 
 —Richard III. 
 
 When Gunther arises to speak for a cause 
 
 He's always received with deafning applause. 
 
 His record is right a« you all well Imow. 
 
 For when Coughlin votes -aye" he always 
 
 votes "no." A, w,r. 
 
 PIKE: ^'n,<. 
 
 This slender fish was never caught as yet. 
 But in the voters' wiley net. 
 
 FITCH: 
 
 Smooth in his talk— he deals in oil. 
 The B. R. IMS him in its coil. 
 
 ALLING: 
 
 ''Who steals my purse steals trash." 
 To kill a burglar is counted no sin. 
 In the peace-loving ward that Ailing lives in. 
 He carries no pistol, but catches his breath. 
 Seizes the robber and talks him to death. 
 
 H.HJ. 
 
 JACKSON: 
 
 Wlien death calls Jackson, he'll arise and 
 
 speak : 
 
 "I move that action he defored one iveek. 
 
 Iivant more time for to coniiidcr well 
 
 Whether I go to heaven or— the other place." 
 
 A hiY 
 FOREMAN: 
 
 Beware thou naughty Traction Co. 
 Our worthy Milton is your foe. 
 Some day with sharpness and precision. 
 It may awaken— that commissioii. 
 
 CONNOR: 
 
 Hi! Hi! Ye ruffians of the border 
 Give way— I have a "pint of order." 
 
 BLAKE: 
 
 'Nay, if you he an U7ide7-taker I am for you. 
 —Twelfth Night. 
 
 MARTIN: 
 
 Know many things and say hut few 
 That Martin is a case for you. 
 
 McCOBMICK: 
 
 Those dogs of yours— mxich is the pity 
 Don't furnish substance for a ditty. 
 
 PICK: 
 
 "That I should love a bright particular star." 
 —All's Well that Ends Well. 
 
 BRENNER: 
 
 You had a lamb in wolf's attire; 
 Keep on and great things are in store for you. 
 Your brilliant wit and your satire 
 Secure your seat— they do— they do. 
 
 NOVAK: 
 
 Smooth is the man from the 8th ward— 
 
 Polished of manner and speech- 
 Worshipped is he by the ladies- 
 Virtue herself he could teach. 
 
 Beauty like his is ne'er equaled— 
 Swagger the clothes on his back — 
 
 Bank rolls are his and big diamonds— 
 Where did you get 'em. Novak? 
 
 A-Hr- 
 
 GARRY: 
 
 You do not shine in logic or oration. 
 
 Your strong point is— increase of ^mpulation. 
 
CULLERTON: 
 
 ^- Marry, master schoolmaster, he that is 
 likest to a hogshead.'" —Loves Labor Lost. 
 
 HURT: 
 
 Rudolph it hurts to lose you without com- 
 pensation, 
 Small is your ward, much greater is tJw nation 
 Oh please— just cui'h your congressional aspi- 
 ration. 
 
 BRENNAN: 
 
 Those tracks must go. 
 AH "ayes"— no "no." 
 
 NOVAK: 
 
 We heard a voice above the din. 
 Zimmer is out and Novak counted in. 
 
 COLSON: 
 The man who hath no music, isn't you. 
 The more you have, the stronger your desire. 
 When Carter virtuously divorced the can and 
 
 lyre. 
 You made it hot for him — you kept him on 
 
 theflre. 
 
 DUDDLEST'ON: 
 
 ' ' That island of England breeds very valian t 
 creatures ; their mastiffs are of unmatchable 
 courage." — Hemy v. 
 
 Tlie boys seem never fair with you to tote; 
 But once do they pei'mit you — to explain 
 your vote. 
 
 NEAGLE: 
 
 Things seem to come to a peculiar pass— 
 They will no longer let me talk on gas. 
 They curb free speech, send me to my commit' 
 I think I will resign— but maybe nit. 
 
 PATTERSON: 
 
 The city beautiful votes you a vote of thanks ; 
 All are with you— all. all— the cranks. 
 Something must go. 'tis plain noiv to the vieiv 
 Either the bill hoay-ds go. or else you. 
 
 MAYPOLE: 
 
 In virtue art thou so eyiwrapped. 
 
 As thy namesake is in flowers; 
 Yet like that Chinee that once was trapped. 
 
 In your sleeve you keep the bowers. 
 
 FOWLER: 
 
 Our modest Frank, so shy and so retirin{). 
 Must needs to other jobs be now aspiring. 
 So Tanner just to hai'e a lark 
 Appoints him as a watchdog of the park. 
 
 Now, like Colossus, great of old. 
 Behold our Fowler keeping hold 
 inth one foot on the council's neck. 
 Wilh the other keeping the hoard in check. 
 
 BEILFUSS: 
 
 ■'Germans are honest men."— Men-y wives. 
 BOS: 
 Fi! Fa! Fum! 
 I smell the blood of an Englishman. 
 
 RAYMER: 
 
 You would not vote for Joubert and Oom Paul 
 It seems you're right— your head is level; 
 They need no sympathy, it seems, at all. 
 
 They've chased old Buller to the 
 
 Tiigela. 
 HALLSTROM: 
 
 As tailor you are full of courage and gi-^it. 
 But in the Council you're wedded to Miss Fit. 
 
 KUNZ: 
 
 A man of spirit very often, 
 A man of spirits all the time. 
 
 SMULSKI: 
 
 Beware the snares of Washington, 
 O statCAiman dear, beware; 
 
 But ere this caution you need heed, 
 Git there, me boy, git there. 
 
 OBERNDORF: 
 Your vote counts one— just like another. 
 And that is all— good night, dear brother. 
 
 JOHNSON: 
 Thy greatness still is incubating. 
 And we are waiting, waiting. 
 
 CONLON: 
 •'There's place and means for every man 
 alive." —All's Well That Ends Well. 
 
 BRENNAN: 
 Full many a year J. J. has sat 
 
 All i7i the city hall 
 Has fostered many a measure pet. 
 
 And others brought to fall. 
 The boys have gone and others came. 
 
 They corae and go by scores ; 
 But Brennan stays there just the same. 
 
 Attending to his chores. 
 
POWERS: 
 
 He feeds his ward on turkey fat. 
 
 With taffy feed^ the town; 
 And what hetweeti the two of them 
 
 He does you'se fellows brown. 
 The district wires he will snip 
 
 With scitisors long and sharj); 
 And use the pieces hit by bit 
 
 To make an Irish harp. 
 
 MORRIS : 
 Of Johnny's laurels he wants his share. 
 So where you find Powers, Mori-is is there. 
 
 BROWN: 
 
 Great eloquence and great i-enown. 
 You've got him — that's Brown. 
 
 PETTIBONE: 
 The record made by you is good ; 
 
 What wonder— come to think 
 You,'re making records every day 
 
 With nde and printers' ink. 
 
 HERMANN: 
 "How wise is Ald'man Hermann, pa. 
 Of whom I hear so much! 
 Is he like brainy Harrison, 
 
 Whose wisdom beats the Dutch?" 
 "'Tis not his wisdom makes him great 
 Nor what he's done or said ; 
 But resolutions he has writ 
 
 And schemes he's in his head. 
 "Heknows how street cars should he run- 
 He's Goldzicr's norihside pal- 
 He's going to do a lot of things 
 And dig a ship canal." a u ./ 
 
 WERNO: 
 Our Carl a naval hero is. 
 
 You'll know it late or sooner; 
 For though it isn't ju^t his '-biz." 
 
 He's mastered many a schooner. 
 
 GOLDZIER: 
 "Keep your eye on the safe," the traction 
 folks say, 
 When Goldzier is around. 
 '•He's trying to steal our franchise away. 
 And makeus run cars underground. 
 
 A.h.r. 
 SMITH: 
 
 St. Valentine his greeting sends to giddy 
 
 youths like you, 
 And bids you ere another year, some maiden 
 
 fair to woo ; 
 A city father, bachelor, for shame, my friend, 
 
 for shame; 
 Now get a move, we're onto you, in fact we 
 
 know your game. 
 
 OLSON: 
 
 We know you well — you deal in milk, 
 
 'Least so the paper states ; 
 You're just like others of your ilk. 
 
 Look, at your water rates. 
 
 PETERSON: 
 
 Do you like waterfowl, you're in luck; 
 Ju.'<t call the roll and see him. "Duck." 
 
 HELM: 
 
 "Where are you going, my pretty man?" 
 "I'm going to the Council as quick as I can." 
 ■■Andwliatis your foiiunc," was said, was 
 
 said, 
 "I deal in reforms," he said, he said. 
 
 GRIFFITH: 
 
 " What's that roaring, rasping noise I hear— 
 Tliose cracked-bassoon remarks?" 
 
 "TJiat's Griffith talking through his whiskers, 
 dear, 
 About the smaller parks." A. t-\ . Y- 
 
 BUTLER: 
 
 Each man his hobby has, alas, and every one 
 
 Ms kink; 
 But how can one a Butler be— and never take 
 
 a drink? 
 
 SCHLACKE: 
 Financial troubles sore beset, this man of 
 
 great renown ; 
 He can "soak" his watch to pay his debts— but 
 
 how about the town? 
 Don't grieve, dear Willie, time icill come in 
 
 its eternal trend. 
 When we shall money have to burn, when 
 
 we'll have stuff to lend. 
 
 BLAKE: 
 
 Talk, of your model Aldermen — he takes the 
 
 cake — 
 Grammar and law, hurrah, that's our Blake. 
 
 BUTLER: 
 
 Thy beauty stuns the muse, she ponders— 
 She takes thy features in, thy manly look. 
 
 And as she gapes and stares and wonders. 
 She passes sentence, "Warmest baby in 
 the book." 
 
 KEENY: 
 When roll is called on pavements new 
 
 You always vote your mind. 
 The boys say that is all you do, 
 
 But I say that's unkind. 
 
BIGANE: 
 
 We sent you off to New York far, 
 
 A sample of our men. 
 We b7-ought you hack in our car. 
 
 Don't ask us how nor when. 
 We looked for yoti in evem nook, 
 
 But you seemed playing tag ; 
 The porter brought you and the cook. 
 
 You had a Gotlmm. —fainting spcU. 
 
 RECTOR: 
 
 The worst of all the council ills. 
 Is lack of quorum for your bills. 
 
 CAREY: 
 
 Wlienever in debates' hot fire, 
 Ymir anger rises, or your ire, 
 Wlienever Eddy isn't nice, 
 Just tell him, charge it up on ice. 
 
 RUSSELL: 
 
 Whatever may be said of you, 
 Oh let it go, its surely true. 
 
 BOYD: 
 
 Boys, hist! 'tween me and you. 
 
 The Hickory Club will pxdl me through. 
 
 ZEMAN: 
 No sooner had your ward you landed. 
 Than on the schools of marriage you stranded 
 Now, Anton dear, please keep in mind 
 That elections cmd marriages are of different 
 
 kind. 
 You may break your faith with your worthy 
 
 constits; 
 If you do it with Madam you'll surely get fits. 
 
 BADENOCH: 
 
 ''Silence is golden"— 'tis freely averred— 
 Is a maxim Badenoch never has heard. 
 He's seven feet high as he stands in Ids 
 
 breeches, 
 But he's not half as long as one of ?n"s 
 
 speeches. A ,H'K 
 
 EIDMANN: 
 
 Eidmann is no reformer. 
 
 He's got no wings of flame; 
 
 He has7i't much to say, sir. 
 
 But he gets there just the same. 
 
 He can't orate like Badenoch, 
 
 Though he oft breaks out in spots- 
 Lots of things he don't know. 
 
 But he knows things alwut lots. 
 
 fi, , H.X 
 
 
 MAYOR: 
 
 "Look out for Mavor," is the warning sign. 
 The Northivestern "L" has erected. 
 
 ''He held up the trains one day on our line 
 And a cold hundred thousand collected." 
 
 NELSON: 
 
 Aid. Nelson has a little snap 
 
 Peculiarly his own; 
 Altlwugh among his many friends 
 
 'Tis often freely throum. 
 
 While talking for good city Jaws 
 
 He's always very Itappy, 
 And measures bad he loudly scores 
 
 In speeches tart and snappy. 
 
 n.hiY. 
 
 D'ARCY: 
 
 The Doctcyr's Jiours are very short when given 
 
 to the people; 
 He leaves the Council every night when ni^ie 
 
 strikes from the steeple. 
 He's gone for good, he won't retwn when 
 
 come the April showers ; 
 Good bye, dear Doctor, ta, ta, ta, keep on 
 
 keeping good hours. 
 
 WATKINS: 
 
 Yoxi are the model alderman, 
 At least you are in figure. 
 
 God bUss that bay window, my dear. 
 May it grow big and bigger. 
 
 MATH: 
 
 Good boy — good bye'. 
 
 We hope Vis not forever; 
 For though you tire us off and on. 
 
 We think you're good and clever. 
 
 BENNETT: 
 
 Four front e.vtends way to your back. 
 Your broiv is Mgh and fair; 
 
 Of brains that eraniuin camiot lack. 
 Or else y(m'd have more hair. 
 
 PRESS OF MAX STERN & CO., CHICAGO.