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 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 LIBRARY 
 
 Class Book Volume 
 
 Ja 09-20M "~
 
 THE 
 
 METROPOLIS. 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF LITTLE HYDROGEN, OR 
 THE DEVIL ON TWO STICKS IN LONDON. 
 
 to shew 
 
 The very age and body of the time. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES, 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR J. J. STOCKDALE, 
 
 41, PALL MALL. 
 
 1819.
 
 'Z'\ 
 
 H^ 
 
 y\. Browii, Primer, 86, St. Martin's Lane.
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 ^^ THE motives which induced my friend to travel 
 
 o on the Continent, for mere improvement, which 
 
 -_i she states to be the case, was not the only one : 
 
 ^ her own account of what passed, and the circum- 
 
 *- stances attendant on an attachment of no com- 
 
 ^ mon cast, appeared to me to be matter worthy 
 
 of forming a novel ; and the more so, because 
 
 truth is always preferable to fiction, and real life 
 
 to imaginary existence. The occurrences of the 
 
 moment, are, likewise, more attractive than 
 
 those which have passed away ; and whatever 
 
 can give us a faithful picture of men and of 
 
 manners, cannot be devoid of utility. 
 
 My 
 
 130 LOO
 
 IV INTRODUCTION, 
 
 p*>r,/Nrs#v#^#v^^^^^^*^^^ 
 
 My friend tells her own little story with- 
 out prejudice, and without scandal, resentment, 
 and pique, which are so often indulged in by 
 modern novel writers, that it is not the least 
 qualification of an author to be in good humour, 
 and to wish to inspire in the reader, a similar 
 feeling. This is, certainly, the case with my 
 friend, who, whilst she smiles over the foibles 
 and failings of our neighbours on the Continent* 
 and of our friends at home, does not spare her 
 own, and in whose work, although there is no 
 assumption, as good a moral may be found, as 
 in works of greater weight, and of more im- 
 portance. 
 
 I shall, therefore, no longer intrude on my 
 reader's patience by further prefatory matter, but 
 proceed, as the proxy of my friend, in her story ; 
 giving it, as nearly as possible, in her own words.
 
 THE 
 
 mi^^IB(DIP'DILII©< 
 
 II cor nelle parole. Pastor Filo. 
 
 CHAPTER L 
 
 If Lady 's eyes fall upon these pages, she 
 
 will expect a wild romance — the vehicle of family 
 
 anecdote and of family dishonour. If Mrs. of 
 
 Berkley Square read it, she will expect all the secrets 
 of the town. Let neither be alarmed. I shall betray 
 no secrets. 1 shall, in general, touch manners, not 
 men. Only when truth and circumstance require it, 
 shall any one be named ; and then, under an inviola- 
 Vol. L b ble
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 '<^<s*^*^^.^^^^^<^y^*^^^^ 
 
 ble anonyme. My own life has been romance enough, 
 •without disturbing their fire sides. My udventtircs 
 have been sufficient to fill up more than these three 
 volumes : yet do I hope to be able to avoid both 
 egotism and prolixity in my detail. 
 
 There is a puzzle, the solution of which is, 
 that " un soupir vient souvent d'un souvenir." I 
 could write it in hieroglyphics ; but as I wish to be 
 easily understood, and to veil in mystery nothing un- 
 necessarily, I shall state in plain English prose and 
 acknowledge the truth, namely, that " a sigh escapes^ 
 often from remembrance dear." Whilst I am perusing 
 these untutored pages, I look back to the past as to 
 a dream. 
 
 I am twenty-five years of age : yet is it so ? 
 To those who have doubled that period, wliat must 
 it be I On life as on a journey Ivy night, ** clouds 
 
 and
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 and darkness rest." We start in high spirits ; \vr. can 
 never go fast enough ; pleasure is our perspective ; 
 fashion, the spur which impels us ; we flirt; we chat ; 
 we trifle by the road ; yet does the time seem long. 
 With feverish impatience, we expect something unat- 
 tained. A ray of reflective reason awakens us from 
 our slumbers. We start with astonishment at the 
 distance which we have gone, beyond what we ex- 
 pected; and we are lost in amazement at the little 
 solid good which has accrued from our journey. 
 
 A friend of mine compares life to a i^ight 
 passed in the mail. You embark in darkness (says he) ; 
 you feel about for your neighbour ; you guess at liim 
 or her; conversation commences; a man is eutertaiH- 
 ing and a woman appears fair; you think that you 
 could, with pleasure, continue on a very long journey 
 with your companions ; the female voice is attractive; 
 her touch is gentle; she sighs perhaps; she seems 
 B 2 listless i
 
 8 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 listless ; she grows interesliug ; the man is complai- 
 sant, his ideas suit yours.; you appear to have corres- 
 ponding sympathies. Morning breaks, and— your 
 fellow travellers are nothing of what you pictured 
 them ! You are far from home ; and all is disap- 
 pointment. 
 
 It seems as if I shrunk from my own story, by 
 telling that of others. It may be so. We generally 
 ease our embarrassment, and prepare our mind, under 
 any trial or trouble, by some desultory and prefatory 
 conversation previous to our going into the main 
 concern. 1 now begin. 
 
 Some years have rolled away — ah me! how 
 rapidly — since my mother and I went on a visit to a 
 person whom I shall call Mr. Doricourt, a most 
 amiable man, retired in the autumn of life, from a 
 diplomatic career, in which he had spent thirty long 
 
 years.
 
 THE METHOFOLIS. £^ 
 
 years. His experience of mankind could not be 
 questioned. And \vliat did it produce? — a love for 
 retirement. He had a large family — many daughters ; 
 and he hesitated to expose them to the world, to bring 
 them too early into hi^h life ; all other he knew not. 
 His retreat in the country was, however, most judici- 
 ously managed, and he, there, endeavoured to prepare 
 his children for the world, by providing them with as 
 large a portion of wisdom and theoretical experience 
 as possible. All that books and expensive teacher?, 
 some from town, some from abroad, could furnish, 
 he ensured for them ; but the richest mine of know- 
 ledge and of information was in himself. 
 
 After a morning's walk, or ride, they repaired 
 to the salle des travaux, as it v.as called, and the 
 pencil and brush were employed on the finest Greek 
 and Roman models. A music room was near, where 
 he himself was a performer, and \Nhere an Italian, 
 B 3 resident
 
 10 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r«s«v#^^«s^«^ *^-»~f «^^«« 4 
 
 resident in the house, was leader of the band. The 
 Ijfpp, the harpsichord, the violoncello, the guittar, 
 the. clarionette, and the flute, all entered into the 
 morning's practice. 
 
 A French governess taught dancing to the 
 ladies ; and the evening was destined to exhibit what 
 the iworniog planned. They also got up a little dra- 
 matic fable ia French, and elocution was not neglected. 
 In the morning walks, reading was blended, and the 
 good father gave ambulatory lectures on composition : 
 as, CHI a starry evening, he used to give his family 
 information in astronomy. In the hall wr.s kept a 
 locked up box, into which any one who pleased, of 
 tj?^ family or of its guests, might depasit his jeux 
 d,'c»pri<t, in poetry, prose, composition, or anecdote, 
 aiMl of which he made a fair copy once a week and 
 read to the party. This, as well as the album, pro- 
 duced much amusement. A fine library was open to 
 
 all,
 
 THE METROPOLIS, II 
 
 all, as well as a billiard table ; but cards and dice 
 were forbidden. 
 
 It is impossible to say how happily this famHy 
 lived, uor how delighted every one was who became 
 an^ inaiate of this hospitable and improving roof. It 
 was my fate, as I have already stated, to make one of 
 
 its quests in tlie year . I must not say what. It 
 
 was autHmn ; and a party of youths came down to 
 shoot. The more intelkctual circle did not join 
 them ; but liberty was the order of the day, and 
 each took that amusement, for which he ^vti6 best 
 suited. 
 
 At the head of the youthful visitors Was the 
 
 Duke of . To say that he was handsome, is to 
 
 say nothing. How could the son 6f the most beauti- 
 ful of women be otherwise — particularly wheA s« 
 strongly resembling hfer T But th^e WjIs H gtavit^j a 
 B 4 pensive-
 
 12 THE MBTROPOLIS. 
 
 *^r<sr***^\*^#^>^^«*.*;*^»^#s»-*<»s»sr<^.#vr*^/y».#>*^^sri*vr.*s^<^r*y»s*v^^ 
 
 pensiveness in his features, which created a very 
 painful interest in my bosom. Ue very soon beheld 
 me with a partial eye, and selected me for the compa- 
 nion of his walks and rides ; neglecting the amusement 
 of shooting, and abandoning his gay and youthful 
 party. This was soon perceived by all, which gave 
 me pain; but, I confess, (for candor shall be my 
 device) a pain closely connected with pleasure, and 
 
 that pleasure as closely linked with pride. 1 shall 
 
 now say a few words of his associates. Lord Lack- 
 worth, the Honorable Tom Turflove and a Reverend 
 dependant from college. 
 
 Lord Lackworth, the eldest son of a peer, 
 seemed perfectly to appreciate his future weight in 
 life, and to consider his father as a tenant at the end 
 of his lease; for his favorite and very offensive 
 diurnal conversation was, what improvements he 
 should make on his estates when the old Lord would 
 
 be
 
 THE METROPOLIS. IS 
 
 be no more, and how he should act in the House of 
 Peers. This, witli his manifesto-like annunciation,' 
 that he should marry a very rich heiress, and that 
 none other need have any pretensions to his hand, or 
 even to his regard (which, by the bye, rather offended 
 me, for I took it to myself, although I hated him), 
 formed the mass of his discourse. Sometimes, in- 
 deed, he obbg'ingly informed us that he was ihe best 
 shot and the best horseman in the world; or he turned 
 into ridicule the clergyman, whose only use, he said, 
 was sticking to the bottle to oblige him, when the 
 Duke voted himself polite, as his Lordship termed it, 
 when Tom was fast asleep, and when their host gave 
 them a broad hint that intoxication was beneath a 
 gentleman, by drinking wine and water, and by ap- 
 pearing tired of the sight of the decanters. But, 
 added Lord Lackworth, " I must take a hint ; I'm a 
 fine fellow to disappoint hint-givers. If a fellow 
 seems to want to cease drinking, I stick to him the 
 B 5 longer;
 
 11 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 longer ; and if a woman pretends (mark the word) to 
 he tired of my company, I stay the longer." 
 
 In tine, his Lordship's character is to make a 
 convenience of the world, and to turn people to his 
 account. To liis own sex he is a dangerous compa- 
 nion, from living harder than most men, and from 
 being fortunate at play. To our sex, he is a very 
 traditore, and has, though yet a young man, planted 
 thorns innumerable in the female breast. Some say, 
 though without foundation, that he won a good deal 
 of money of the Duke, which causes their intimacy; 
 for he has no friends. Others say that he courts him, 
 merely because he is a Duke. I was fortunate enough 
 tq have one hit at him, when telling his story of wo- 
 it>!en pretending to be tired of him, I asked him if he 
 thought that I ever pretended to be tired of him ; 
 but, with his inexhaustible fund of impudence, he 
 beat me by answering, *' upon my soul (pulling up 
 
 bis
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 15 
 
 his boot) I never took sutiicient notice to l>€ able to 
 answer the question." 
 
 Tom Turflove Hves in the sporting fields, and 
 even to women boasts of his health, of his strength, 
 of jjis constitution, in a way that I feel to be rude as 
 well as selfish. He thinks himself very handsome, 
 and affects to undervalue women, and to regard them 
 as quite secondary considerations to sporting. This 
 is a piece of duplicity ; for he has found this assumed 
 neglect to produce advances from women intent of 
 subduing at all risks. But he ill chose his field at 
 Mr. Doricourt's ; for his daughters are too highly 
 bred, and have minds too well cultivated, not to de- 
 spise the man and his artifice. This character seems 
 to be born for a groom, for a game-keeper, or for a 
 mail-coachman ; but capricious fortune has placed 
 him in another sphere. 
 
 The
 
 16 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 The Clergyman was a mere thing, a being de- 
 pendant on others, a title's shade, a rich man's walk- 
 ing stick, — a longer after chaises and four and high 
 bred company, yet a cypher in either, — a man selling 
 his health and his morality to be a coronet's compa- 
 nion, or to be laid up with Tokay or some very ex- 
 pensive fluid. The Duke has promised this man 
 church promotion, if Lord Lackworth don't burn him 
 out before the vacancy occurs. He is now like Cato, 
 his life, his death, his bane and antidote are all before 
 him — premature death or lawn sleeves will speedily be 
 the reverend gentleman's portion. 
 
 Far be it from me to hint that intoxication is a 
 recommendation to church preferment ; but, that com- 
 plaisance (unbecoming in a clergyman) which devotes 
 time, health and patience to a patron's ennui, to his 
 caprices and vices ; which witnesses, without reproach, 
 his foliics, and makes allowance for the defects of 
 
 his
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 17 
 
 his character, his haughtiness, his overhearing pride, 
 his acidity, his variability; which endures his cold- 
 ness, slights, rude jokes, contempt and irony, and 
 then makes friends again, — this patience and long-suf- 
 fering has oft led on to greatness — and, although it 
 be not generally known, yet it is not less true, that 
 
 his late Grace of gaie a rich benefice to a man 
 
 for being a good companion, and for (to u£e his own 
 terms) seeing him out. Private tutors and travelling 
 companions will frown at this remark, and abuse the 
 writer of it ; I know them. I have seen too much, to 
 be contradicted here ; but, hencefortl), 1 promise not 
 to meddle with the cloth. 
 
 A very few days passed before the Duke's 
 attachment for me became so visible, that I was an 
 object of envy and of remark, — of envy to my friend's 
 eldest daughter, and of remark to the odious triumvi- 
 rate just described. Perhaps I w^s u little giddy with 
 
 satis-
 
 18 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 satisfaction at this gratifying preference ; for my dear 
 mother requested me, as we retired to rest, to be more 
 circumspect, to be more distant to the Duke, and to 
 take care not to make enemies. She added, that no- 
 thing but her great love for me induced her to wound 
 my feelings, for she perceived a struggling tear in my 
 eye-lid. A woman, however indiscreet, cannot bear 
 the accusation ; and often, alas ! would rather en- 
 counter the world's blame than allow her pride to be 
 mortified. I was ungrateful enough to wish that my 
 parent loved me less, provided that she controlled me 
 not. I could almost have said, *' Honor me. Madam, 
 henceforth, with your indifference." 
 
 I did not sleep a wink all night; and I awoke 
 feverish and uncomfortable. My eyes met those cf 
 his Grace the moment I entered the breakfast room ; 
 and my heart, without being very deeply affected, 
 leaped for joy. I saw pleasure dawn in his counte- 
 nance.
 
 THE MB-TROPOLIS, 19 
 
 nance. " You are late," said his Grace ; or at least, 
 ** sad hours seem long." I sighed, and observed that 
 I had a sick head ache. '' Then," said he, " let me 
 drive you out in my curricle: it is a more passive 
 exercise than either riding or walking." " Had you 
 not better," replied I, with a smile, *' go out shoot- 
 ing T' *' You have,'' rejoined he, *' disgusted me of 
 shooting; you say it is a cruel amusement; so allow 
 me to be your coachman to day ; your humble servant 
 I always am." This flattery, I tear, was music in my 
 ears ; but I had a letter to write, and I feared I should 
 not be able to keep up ail day. He looked regret and 
 disappointment. He was very dry with Jane Dori- 
 court ; this delighted me : very cross to the clergyman ; 
 this clrarmed me. How shocking thus to glory in the 
 mischief which I had done ! but truth must be avowed. 
 
 I retired to my room after breakfast. The 
 Duke's eyes followed me to the door, and were fixed 
 
 upon
 
 20 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 upon the last light which glimmered through its close. 
 I now sighed in earnest, and wished Mama's lecture 
 unheard; hut yet did I think tliis little bush-fighting 
 scene a politic affair. I heard the girls practising. 
 The Duke attended them, for it rained. Jane sung a 
 Scot's song, which much annoyed me. There was art 
 in the choice ; and 1 felt that 1 loved Jane less than 
 the day before. Ilie song was one of that feeling 
 poet Burns. 
 
 " Ah! why should fate such pleasure take, 
 
 " Life's dearest bonds un-twiuing! 
 
 " Or why so sweet a flower as love 
 
 " Depend on Fortune's smiling.'' 
 
 No impression was made by this song ; or I 
 should have broken my heart. I thought that the 
 dinner bell never would ring ; yet it was that which 
 was to unite us all again. Heavily and wearily 
 crept on the hours until I saw the butler with 
 
 powdered
 
 THE METROl'OLIS. 21 
 
 powdered head, running across towards the out- 
 offices to jog the cook's memory, and heard the 
 welcome bell strike up its brazen note. 
 
 I remained the Tery last to enter the dining 
 saloon ; and I perceived his Grace lingering in order 
 to see whether I left my room or not. I caught his 
 eye on the stair-case, and he handed me into the 
 room. He spoke not for a raoment ; but the pause — 
 the look — the giving of the band, were such as I shall 
 never forget. Tliese trivialities are very important 
 in love. His eyes spoke pity and regard: are you 
 really ill (said they), — would that I could suffer for 
 >ou ! Then there was none of the mere courtesy of 
 an arm and hand gracefully outstretched, which 
 means, " allow me to hand your ladyship to your 
 seat," or, ** am I a welcome conductor on this 
 occasion ?" or — insipidly — " here, take my hand, 
 custom commands it, but my heart is not of the 
 
 party.''
 
 2^ THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 party." No — no— his Mas given, as the Italians say, 
 con francheza e con amore. He seemed as if he gave 
 me a share in all his titles, and in all his property — 
 a participation in all his feelings, a partnership in all 
 his chances and changes of life, with— that little hand. 
 
 I knov/ not who was in the room, when first 
 we entered ; but my lady mother faced us soon after 
 we proceeded towards the top of the table, and 
 motioned me to speak to her. I separated from him, 
 and lost my place. This was what was meant; for 
 she whispered me not to sit by the Duke. I was 
 ready to faint; the girls blushed and smiled; Lord 
 Lackworth looked impertioenlly at me ; the Duke ap- 
 peared confused ; and I remained silent for a few 
 seconds. Our well-bred host relieved me, by ad- 
 dressing his discourse to me, by rejoicing that I 
 looked better, and by paying me marked attention, 
 until I recovered from my embarrassment. 
 
 The
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 53 
 
 ***^s^^^^^^* 
 
 The dioner seemed immeasureably long; and 
 this was the only tedious and unpleasant day which 
 
 I passed at • Lodge ; but it was also the last. I 
 
 was greatly relieveed on quitting tli€ desert for coffee, 
 and not disappointed at finding the Duke shortly 
 follow the ladies. I bad a boek in nay band. He 
 took it from me, and opening its leaves, pointed out 
 the following passage. It was Tasso's. 
 " Celan le selve angui, leoni id orsi, 
 " Dentro il lor verde : tii dentro il bel p«tto 
 *' Nasconde o.dio dis degno ed impietade 
 " Fere pejjor ch'angui, leoni ed orsi.' 
 
 He asked me if I knew any one to whom that 
 passage alluded. I said " certainly not.'' He looked 
 round, pressed my hand, and replied — " so I hope." 
 I refused to dance afterwards ; but was forced to do 
 so. 1 stood up with young Doricourt. The Duke 
 looked with amazement, for he bad asked me to waltz. 
 
 I could
 
 24 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 I could not bear to be misrepresented in his mind. I 
 therefore, as I finished the quadrille, assured him 
 that I was unequal to a waltz, and that I should not 
 have stood up e\en in a quadrille if not forced by 
 importunities to do so. He thanked nie for '* put- 
 ting his heart at rest*' such was the term — and for 
 
 my ingenuousness. 
 
 The rest of the evening passed quicker, in 
 proportion, than all the day ; for I had a weight off 
 my mind. I retired as usual to rest ; but rest retired 
 from nie. I read ; I walked about my room ; I 
 watched the break of day. At length my eye-lids 
 became heavy ; and I ventured to return to my pillow, 
 and slept pretty tranquilly for three hours. Our 
 beaux were going out shooting ; and Turflove Mas 
 making a dreadful noise, calling his servant, whist- 
 ling for his dogs, rattling up and down stairs, and 
 humming a waltz to himself. At last I was relieved 
 
 by
 
 THE METROPOLIS. S5 
 
 by hearing him shut the door and go out. I might 
 have slept a little longer but for this disturbance ; as 
 it was I could not afterwards recal sleep to ray pillow. 
 I now resolved to rise at once, to dress hastily, and 
 to walk across the shrubbery into the^^wood. 
 
 I was in the act of pulling the bell for my 
 maid, when, glancing a look towards my chamber 
 door, I beheld a letter thrust under it. I took it, and 
 found, what I at first expected, — that it was iVom the 
 Duke. It was brief; it was respectful; but it was 
 full of warmth and of sincerity, and very explicitly 
 conveyed an offer of marriage. I leave a young 
 unmarried female to conceive what I felt at such a 
 letter from a man of hi^h rank and fortune, and, 
 above all, from the man of my heart. The postscript 
 of the letter said, thiK he should absent himself with 
 the shooting party in order to give me time for re- 
 flection, and, if his suit found favor in mv sight, 1
 
 2(J THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 was to appear at dinner in a rose-coloured dress, in 
 ^«hich case he would speak to my mother the ensuing 
 morning. I sat down lost in thought. When the 
 warning bell rung for breakfast, I was not able to 
 mix in the throng. 
 
 I accordingly sent my maid down to request 
 that a cup of tea might be brought to my room ; and 
 I, at the same time, begged my mother to come to 
 me as soon as breakfast was over. I considered it 
 as my first duty to consult her in a matter of such 
 infinite moment. She had ever merited my duty and 
 my confidence ; and I was now doubly called upon 
 to evince both. 
 
 My mother was thunderstruck on perusing 
 the letter; and, with a calmness and dignity which I 
 shall never forget, thus harrangued me. ^'^My dear- 
 est child, you are indeed my only comfort. That 
 
 should
 
 THE METROPOLIS- 
 
 should be no obstacle to ray parting with you on the 
 present occasion, when so suitable and so flattering 
 an oS'er occurs ; but there are other considerations, 
 besides our own private feelings or interests. The 
 Duke is not of age ; he is even younger than yourself; 
 your acquaintance has been short ; his attachment, 
 or rather his passion, has been rapid. I am con- 
 vinced that neither the Duchess his mother, nor his 
 guardians would consent to his wedding the daughter 
 of a peer, whose rage for electioneering and for play 
 has in no small degree reduced us; and I should 
 feel too proud to allow a clandestine marriage to 
 take place, and to bear the accusation of having 
 deceived the young man. He is moreover very younfr, 
 rather imprudent, and may be changeable when it 
 will be too late. •Sir. Doricourt also will feel hurt 
 at a hasty match being made up in his house, and 
 will scarcely hold himself blameless in the transac- 
 tion; for I know that the late Duke involved his 
 
 estates,
 
 25 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 estates, and that a very great and a very rich match 
 is looked forward to, as a means of retrieving all 
 these numerous incumbrances, and of restoring the 
 family to its former splendor. I therefore count on 
 your good sense, on your self-control, on your love 
 and duty for me, on your heroism on this occasion, 
 to sustain the disappointment, and to act as I direct 
 yoiu" 
 
 Here she threw herself on my neck, embraced 
 me, and shed tears. Her maternal tenderness fixed 
 my resolve ; and after a few natural tears, I assured 
 her I wouW obey her in every thing, and would consi- 
 der nothing as a sacrifice which made her happy. She 
 embraced me again, and went to consult Mr. Dori- 
 court, observing, as she left the room, that if his 
 opinion met hers, we should very soon determine what 
 was to be done. She returned in an hour ; it was not 
 a winged one ; it seemed at least a day. '* My child," 
 
 said
 
 THE METROPOLIS.' ^ 
 
 said she, on entering the room, " we are fixed in 
 our resolve ; in one hour we depart. You must 
 Bot see the Duke ; I have written him a letter, and 
 you may add what you please ; but we must not tarry 
 here. It would be disgraceful to us to violate the 
 laws of hospitality, or to bring reproach on th« roof 
 where so much friendship dwells." 
 
 For a considerable time, I had not the power 
 of speech, and tears alone spoke the conflict of my 
 bosom. Not to see the Duke again was agony; but 
 to bid him farewell was despair and madness. I 
 obeyed, and was in our travelling carriage within the 
 hour. Mr. Doricourt alone knew the reason for our 
 precipitate retreat. The rest of the party was made 
 to beheve that we had received accounts of the illness 
 of a near relation, and were therefore forced to take 
 this sudden step. The girls aflfected to feel regret at 
 my departure i but I detected a secret satisfaction in 
 Vol. I. c their
 
 30 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 their eyes : they had no rival now with the beaux. 
 The youngest kissed me, and squeezed out a tear from 
 her eye-lid : it was of that inferior water, which dis- 
 simulation, self-interest, or fancy counterfeits to gain 
 an end, to disarm a husband, to get a reconciliation 
 when in tlie wrong, or to cheat our own sex, and par* 
 ticularly a rival. Far different is that gem, that briU 
 liantx>f 4he first water, which beams in affection's eye, 
 which trembles on the cheek of sensibility, or which 
 reflects the object we adore. Tears are as various as 
 jewels ; their value differs greatly ; and women have 
 them at command. I saw the insincerity of these ; 
 whilst Jane, in a most provokingly insipid tone, said, 
 *' I don't know what the Duke will do when he hears 
 of your departure," laying great emphasis on the 
 word do, and making as light of my concern as 
 her regret and regard were at bidding me farewell. 
 " Shall I," continued she, " say any thing to him for 
 you?" "Nothing," replied I, gravely. We embraced, 
 
 not
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 31 
 
 not cordially, and parted. Mr. Doricourt saluted U5 
 with much sincerity, and seemed to say, *' Adieu, I 
 honour your conduct, and you have greatly relieved 
 my mind." The letter was left fojr his Grace; but I 
 could add nothing to it. My mother just observed 
 that I was indisposed, and thanked him in the most 
 becoming terms for his regard and partiality to me. 
 
 Our journey was uninteresting, and it was re- 
 solved that we should not long sojourn in LondoU) 
 but depart for the Continent. Our plans were, how- 
 ever, to depend greatly on our dispatches from 
 
 Lodge. A heroine of romance would, here, fall dan- 
 gerously ill and keep her bed, would perhaps lose 
 her reason for a time, or lay violent hands on herself, 
 or run away and immure herself in a convent, or 
 finally, would perform something wonderful ; but as 
 truth is my guide, I shall state the plain fact, which 
 has, that I bore this severe affliction with great forti- 
 c 2 tude.
 
 32 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 tude, though I became so tremulously nervous, that the 
 opening of a door threw me into a spasmodic affec- 
 tion, and that I was absent, low spirited, and debili- 
 tated to a great degree. 
 
 Our dispatches from the ci-devant ambassador, 
 contained an account of the violence of the Duke's 
 distress, in the first instance, — of his determination 
 to follow us to town in the second, — of his writing, 
 which letter was intercepted by my mother, and of 
 the Duchess and of his guardians being apprized of 
 what had passed. The party at the Hall was now 
 dispersed ; Lord Lackworth run away with the French 
 governess and deserted her ; Tom Turflove almost 
 broke his neck in hunting, and was borne home in 
 great danger ; the Clergyman got an excellent living, 
 and the next year married a Right Honorable, to 
 whose son he had been travelling comi)anion ; tlie 
 young ladies were all heart broken at losing their 
 
 beaux ;
 
 THE METROPOLIS^ 33 
 
 «^^,/'^^v«^^^^^^'#^sr^^^^4 
 
 r.»^>^ys^^^^ 
 
 beaux ; and it was resolved to keep them another 
 winter in retirement before they were to be presented 
 at Court and ushered into the beau monde. Tlie 
 
 Duke accompanied his mother to Castle ; and it 
 
 was agreed that he should go abroad without loss of 
 time. What a general defeat I 
 
 This being the case, we retired to Woodbine 
 Cottage on the banks of the Thames, until further 
 dispatches should be forwarded to us, marking his 
 Grace's destination, in order that we might take aa 
 opposite direction, for it was resolved to separate us 
 as far as possible. I took up my pen more than once 
 ta address him whom alone I could ever love; but 
 female pride withheld me from writing. Since he had 
 been prevailed upon to be silent, it was my duty to 
 be so Hkewise. I had not, at this time, the know- 
 ledge of the suppressed letter, and doubtless we 
 neither of us appeared, wha* we were, in each others 
 c a eye
 
 34 THE METROPOLIS, 
 
 r^^v^^^^^^^s^^ys^^^v.r^v^^ysr^^^^^^^^^^s^^'^^^^^^'^'^'^^vs^^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 eyes. Had a certain countess been as circumspect 
 as my dear mother, instead of putting her daughter 
 in the way of a certain illustrious personage abroad, 
 one less unhappy match would have been made, and 
 wounded pride and wounded dignity might have been 
 spared on either side.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 35 
 
 CHAPTER ir. 
 
 Three days and uot a letter! we were both io 
 consternation, for our situation began to be critical. 
 
 Our sudden departure from Hall, our hiding 
 
 ourselves at the Cottage, the Duke being fetched 
 home by his parent and guardians, their family con- 
 sultation, the preparation for his Grace's sudden 
 departure abroad ; all began to create suspicion and 
 get wind. Servants will tattle; all great people's se- 
 crets come out that way. The Honorable Mrs. G — 
 might have been with her first husband 'till now but 
 for these spies. Our story began to be told for us, 
 without our troubling ourselves ; very delicate hints 
 escaped the public prints ; scandal was resolved to 
 have a dish of us ; and our good female friends did 
 all they could to assist us. 
 
 c 4 Ladv
 
 36 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r*s^.*^*^ «s«s#v/sAr «sr ^^"^^ 
 
 Lady Mildew (for so I shall call my cousin) 
 insinuated, that 1 was about to form a very improper 
 connection, which induced my mother to lock me up, 
 and that the Duke had been dismissed Mr. Doricourt's 
 house for an ailair of gallautry in the family. This 
 was most offensive. I should have preferred the truth 
 being told ; but Lord Lackworth's affair had been 
 confounded with the Duke's, and scandal made up the 
 rest. A vile morning paper hinted that ** a certain 
 Duke's neglect of a Right Honorable sentimental lady 
 had so affected her spirits, that she was under the 
 treatment of Dr. Willis ; that the daily bulletins de- 
 scribed her hurry of spirits to be a little abated ; but 
 that a gold ring and a licence were considered Iby the 
 faculty as the only radical cure." Who the obliging 
 person was who inserted this article, we know not. 
 My motber was so enraged at it, at iirst, that she 
 consulted her lawyer with a view of prosecuting for 
 libel; but it was, afterwards, determined to pass it 
 
 by
 
 THE METROPOLIS. d/ 
 
 by in silent contempt, as an opposite conduct would 
 only produce further exposure. 
 
 In spite of all orders to say " not at home," 
 both in town and in the country, Lady Mildew found 
 her way down to Woodbine Cottage, passed the porter 
 (it was Mr. Doricourt's opinion that she would have 
 eluded the vigilance of Cerberus), and gained admis- 
 sion to the drawing-room. She entered the folding- 
 doors with great stage effect ; and beginning her scene 
 with me, approached. She forced out a few cro- 
 codile-tears, and, kissing me between my eye-brows, 
 and gently tapping my cheek, exclaimed, *' poor 
 thing, don't fret." Then, turning majestically to ray 
 mother, " Cousin, I hope that nothing has occurred to 
 tarnish the honor of the ancient and noble family of 
 
 , to which I belong," Here she drew herself up, 
 
 and looked as stiff as a poker. 
 
 c 5 " Could
 
 38 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 '* Could our ancestors look up," continued she, 
 ** it would rouse them from their graves. So many 
 Generals and Admirals, besides a Lord Chamberlain, 
 two Lords of the Bed Chamber, four High Sheriffs in 
 succession of one county, the county town thrice 
 represented in Parliament by our name — then again. 
 Lord John, who was in the wars with the Duke of 
 Argyle, and Sir Roger who accompanied William 
 Duke of Cumberland, my great maternal grand uncle, 
 who was a Count of the Holy Roman Empire, and 
 Marmaduke, who was Lord Lieutenant of the county 
 in King George the first's time ; Sir Alexander, who 
 
 married" ** In mercy stop," cried my mother. 
 
 " What on earth, cousin, can make you rave this way? 
 Are you in a waking dream, or have you been lately 
 in the neighbourhood of Bethlem ? Explain yourself, 
 1 pray you, for you quite alarm us, and you are as 
 inexplicable as a treaty in Sanscrit would be to me." 
 
 I have
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 39 
 
 " I have not been," said she, " without my 
 trials ; but my pride and my high sense of honor — 
 aye, let me see a coxcomb who would dare to lay 
 a snare for my virtue; I would show him." Again my 
 mother stopped her in her heroics, and begged to know 
 what ail this meant. She here took out her aroma- 
 tic vinegar-box, and twitched and played off hysterics, 
 and called for a glass of Madeira, and then for a 
 toast : she had come fasting, — and her stomach was so 
 weak, — and her heart so tender, — and she cried 
 again, — and took another glass of Madeira, — and sob- 
 bed out that she had been told that I could not 
 appear in town, but that as soon as I could be 
 pemoved I was to go abroad. Here she took another 
 glass of Madeira, gave a deep sigh, and fell back in 
 her chair. I fetched her a glass of water; but she 
 motioned me to take it away : it was not good for her 
 complaint. She at length came to herself. My mo- 
 ther again chid her for her folly, assuring her that sbe 
 
 would
 
 40 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 would get to the bottom of this vile insinuation: and 
 here ended our conversation. 
 
 The good lady took an early dinner, talked a 
 great deal of nonsense, drank a great deal of Madeira, 
 and went home in high spirits, after cutting up every 
 body of our acquaintance. During dinner, I was 
 determined to have a hit at her ; and, on my mother's 
 asking me to carve a fowl, I observed, " Give it to 
 my cousin, she dissects better than I." She took it ; 
 but giving a short cough, hem ! she cleared herself 
 and called for another glass of wine. She now said 
 she was afraid of being stopped going home. We 
 therefore dispatched a servant on horseback with her, 
 who reported her safe arrival, and that she slept all 
 the way. 
 
 I must now say a very few words about her 
 Ladyship. She is tall, thin, and fifty-five years of 
 
 age.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 41 
 
 ^^t^f^f^t^.*^.*^.^**'*:*^.*-*:*^ 4 
 
 age. How she escaped matrimony for the first thirty 
 years of her life, I know not ; but, for the last twenty- 
 five, she has been marked for an aged spinster. 
 Strong tea, strong cordials, cards and scandal, are 
 her food and all her enjoyment. She is universally 
 detested, yet universally received ; so that she is a 
 pillar of all routes, of 's library, &c. of a morn- 
 ing, and appears highly dressed at ths Asylum on a 
 Sunday. These are my cousins haunts and habits. 
 Her person stiff, her air repulsive, her forehead dis- 
 dainful, her eyes small, piercing, and of a light grey 
 cast, her nose thin and sharp ; flat lips, false teeth, 
 false hair and a false heart complete her pictirte. 
 The reader may know her, if he be a frequenter of 
 North and South Audley Streets and of Grosvenor 
 Square. There may she be often seen with a very 
 tall footman, and a very small spaniel. Other com- 
 pany are shy of her in a morning : but as a fourth at 
 
 whist.
 
 42 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ^*»^*^*--t*** 
 
 whist, it is another matter; for she is a keen and a 
 good player. 
 
 She had scarcely been in town three days, 
 when she wrote to say that our coming there was of 
 imperious necessity; that a thousand false, malicious 
 reports were afloat, and that I must show myself. 
 " Come," wrote she, *' and face your enemies ; 
 appear in public, and put the malevolent to con- 
 fusion. Let my fair cousin assert her triumph in all 
 and in most public circles ; it is indispensible^ — it is 
 for the honor of our house, — for the dignity of our 
 predecessors, — for the justification of ourselves." 
 
 I don't know whether my mother would have 
 taken the trouble of attending to this pompous sum- 
 mons if, at the same time, we had not heard from 
 Mr. Doricourt, who announced the Duke's departure 
 
 for
 
 THE METROPOLI?. 43 
 
 r,»^*^*^»^*^*-f**-»^*** 
 
 for Russia, aud for a northern tour of all Europe. 
 This decided us to move to the southward ; and it 
 also put it in our power to reside long enough in town 
 to settle our affairs previous to our trip to the Con- 
 tinent. The Duke had taken his departure, and the 
 field was free for us. We therefore went to our 
 town residence, where Lady Mildew received us with 
 as much pomp and state as if our house were her own, 
 and as if she had all the merit of bringing us thither 
 in order to assert our innocence. At all this we 
 smiled ; but my heart sunk when I thought how far 
 distant was one whom I loved, and to whom I was 
 not permitted to say adieu. 
 
 On my arrival, an anonymous letter was de- 
 livered to me, in these words: — *' Your silence seals 
 my destiny. I am miserable for life." I knew the 
 hand, and I was overwhelmed at perusing it. I now 
 
 saw
 
 44 THE MIXTROPOLISf, 
 
 <«sr^^.#y^<^^S^^V^^V^^4 
 
 saw that he had written to me; but that his letters had 
 been intercepted. I was in despair — but it was too late. 
 
 Now did morning visits besiege our house^ 
 and my mother thought it right to see every body. I 
 started from my seat a hundred times in a morning 
 from the sudden concussions of the knocker's thunder; 
 the rattling of carriages kept my head in a constant 
 state of pain ; and the succession of faces, the one 
 impression destroying the other, wore out my mind, 
 and left no trace behind, like wave propelling wave 
 along and defacing the different impressions <m the 
 sea sand. I felt that I cared for nobody, that all 
 were alike, that the same gentle smile, practised 
 civility and hackney'd welcome came fiom all; that 
 the fiddle faddle of the beaux was odious, and the 
 trifling of the belles was fatiguing. 1 caught myself 
 making the same answers to all, almost before answer 
 
 was
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 45 
 
 «^^^^^^^^^ ^4 
 
 was required. The women eyed me with curiosity : 
 the men viewed me with insipidity. I could have 
 retired from the world, for it was irksome to me. 
 
 Doricourt now came to town. We had a string 
 of engagements, as many cards as would thatch a 
 house, as many quadrille parties, at homes> conver- 
 saziones, dejunees, and divertisemens as we could 
 attend in a month. Little was I inclined to go to 
 any of them ; but it was deemed proper. Mr. D. 
 said that infamous reports had gone abroad, that he 
 had traced t!ie origin of one of them to Sir Absolute 
 Apathy (so I shall call the western Knight), and that 
 he would sift it to the bottom. He insisted, at the 
 same time, that we should attend Lady Elder's even- 
 ing party : all the world was to be there " All 
 
 the world? No! he who was all the world to mjC 
 could not be there I" 
 
 The
 
 40 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 The inquiring eye of every female was upon 
 nie. If woman err, who has she most to dread I 
 
 Woman. If she want a severer doom than even 
 
 her crime demands, who would pronounce it ? Her 
 own sex ; for 
 
 ** lovelier things have mercy shown 
 
 " To every failing but their own, 
 
 ** And every woe a tear can claim, 
 
 ** Except an erring sister's shame." 
 But strong in my innocence, I met every look with 
 mild endurance, or with indignant repulsion. Some 
 defeated gazers dropt their eye-lid in confusion; 
 others, more schooled in duplicity, converted im- 
 pertinent curiosity into complaisant smiles, taking an 
 interest in my well being ; the older stagers passed 
 from severity into indifference, and endeavoured to 
 appear unconscious that they looked on me, by cast- 
 ing a general would-be unmeaning eye around. But 
 nature is often honester than we wish her to be ; and, 
 
 like
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 47 
 
 like the half-drilled servant of an embarrassed person 
 of quality, either mutinies and will not lie, or lies so 
 awkwardly, that detection accompanies erery word. 
 
 — Dear Lady ! I shall never forget her ; she 
 
 sprang forward to meet me, and almost planted me 
 in her bosom. How much goodness ! How much 
 sensibility ! Her*s is no vulgar sou!. There is feel- 
 ing and tenderness, dignity and sentiment, refine- 
 ment and courtliness in every line which she writes, 
 in every word which she utters. Let those censure 
 her who dare: they had better imitate her. 
 
 Then I had a prattling groupe about me, and 
 a buz of flatterers. " Will you dance?" said my 
 consin in the Guards, making the word dance as 
 long as my arm, and dragging out his words Hke a 
 miser at his guineas, as though every one cost him a 
 world, and was too valuable to be thrown away. 
 Yet is he a good creature after all. The mawkish 
 
 tepidity
 
 48 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 tepidity of his manner is only affectation; his heart 
 is in the right place. I was about to refuse ; but was 
 advisied not ; for I lieaid that it was rumoured, by 
 my own sex, that I was' too much out of spirits to 
 dance, too much in love to mingle with the gay and 
 thoughtless throng. The men too said to each other, 
 ** it is of no use to ask her, unless you have a ducal 
 mantle to offer as your recommendation." How un- 
 speakably ill natured ! 
 
 I therefore stood up amidst the •* how d'ye 
 dos, my love, — how well you look, — how glad I am 
 to see you once more amongst us," of my own sex, 
 and the nods and signs of the Other sex, with " Colonel 
 you're a happy man, — glad to see your ladyship in 
 good health and spirits," with many other chit-chat 
 
 stuff too tedious to mention. Lord L made his 
 
 attack on my cousin, whose only answer was, ** Do 
 JL„ — ^ leave us a little room, and don't talk such 
 
 d~-d
 
 tHE METROPOLIS. 49 
 
 d — d nonsense, or (with a most insipid drawl) as 
 Diogenes sa\S, ge-t out of my sunshine." 
 
 After the first waltz, I was in great request; 
 for the dancing party was small, and I was a novelty. 
 I was therefore forced to write down the Hst of my 
 engages on my tablets. When about the middle of 
 them. Sir Mortimer came up, all airs and affectation, 
 and, with his scarcely audible voice and assumed 
 
 Uthpy said, " Lady I must bring you to book now, 
 
 for it is my turn." Never did I dance so much, with 
 so very little inclination. 
 
 At supper time the Colonel sat on one side of 
 
 me and the Ambassador on the other. The 
 
 Colonel informed me that malice had been ver> active 
 against me, that one person positively assericd that T 
 had eloped with the Duke, that another gave it out 
 that I was certainly secretly married to him (this was 
 
 comparatively
 
 50 THE METROPOLIS* 
 
 comparatively better), that the third report was so su- 
 perlatively bad that 1 cannot name it; " but," added 
 he^ ** for part of this we may thank Sir Absolute, who 
 is the most unfeeling wretch iu the world. He would 
 sacrifice any one's honor to his d — d dry joke, or to 
 what he thinks wit. But he'll repent it. Doricourt 
 will play (what I must not say with him); and I must 
 have my little private hour with him too. He's in a 
 devil of a scrape. Now as for me, I am too lazy to 
 quarrel, too selfish to put myself iu a passion and to 
 spoil my looks, by being as inflamed as the sign of the 
 red lion. I am sanguine about nothing, would not 
 flurry myself for a fortune, nor put myself out of my 
 way for a dukedom. I did refuse a seat in parliament ; 
 and I take every thing so coolly that 1 believe I have 
 neither friends not enemies, because I cannot take the 
 trouble of making either. But (looking half animated) 
 if he has said all that I hear, I must be under the 
 disagreeable necessity of parading him.'* Here he 
 
 took
 
 THE METROPOLIS* 51 
 
 ' *■»■**■»*** ^^■^^^^•*-»*'»^^***^*-f* 
 
 took a piuch of snuff. *' And if I do," resumed he, 
 *' 1 won't let him walk home. It's rather too hot to 
 fight, and a d — d bore to get up to do so; but I must 
 set up for his honor, and keep myself cool with 
 lemonade, and take my chance of the brute. 1 
 believe that I am the best shot of the two ; only it's so 
 troublesome to practise." 
 
 By this one trait the Colonel may be known* 
 He is as brave as a lion ; only it makes a fellow look 
 heated to exercise this quality unless friend or country 
 force him. He is as kind as the breath of zephyr to 
 the drooping flower ; but it's so unbecoming to seem 
 to court any one or to do them an active service : yet 
 if the case be urgent, — why he'll put himself out of 
 his way, he'll take it very coolly, but he'll do the 
 deed. My heart overflows when I think of his manly 
 conduct on the above trying occasion ; and my 
 
 eye
 
 5^ THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 eye filled with gratitude, whilst my heart thrilled 
 with apprehension for his safety at the period in 
 question. 
 
 At this moment the Ambassador interrupted 
 us by paying me some fulsome compliments in broken 
 Eng^lish, which I answered in French in order to 
 relieve him. He now composed me a bouquet of 
 roses, &c. and, on presenting it, said, " Voila ! un 
 bouquet qui vous sied bien. La rose, la fleur d'amour, 
 la pensee, elle est pour vous, et 1' eternelle (everlast- 
 ing), Ics entiment que vous meritez/' I thanked him 
 in the best way I could ; but the Colonel, taking 
 another pinch of snuiFout of his musical box, cried,* 
 
 " D nonsence, Cousin, don't mind him ;" — his box 
 
 HOW struck .up the Tyrolese, and caused a laugh at 
 our quarter of the table. 
 
 The
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 53 
 
 The momiug was now far advanced, and I 
 withdrew. The broad wandering eyes, the sarcastic 
 smiles, the looks, the winks, the elbowing of each 
 other, now seemed to turn in my favour ; nods, 
 stakes of the hands, approving smiles, looks of ap- 
 probation followed me out of the room. Our hostess 
 was uncommonly attentive to me. Doricourt was like 
 a father, aud my cousin's support was of the first 
 -dignity of friendship and of manliness, mingled, how- 
 ev^i;, with the true essence of the Guards, the very 
 cream of conceit and the cool affected indifference of 
 fashion. 
 
 As we left the room, he observed to me, '* the 
 Duchess dowager eyed you just as an old tabby cat 
 does a hnnet or canary-bird, — as if she could make a 
 l)reakfast of you, a dejune a la fourchette, where 
 the dark divan of dingy dowagers and of wrinkled 
 Vol. I. D spinsters
 
 54 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 '■***^>^ »*■#>*# »*• 
 
 spinsters meet to cut up their acquaintances, and to 
 wash tliem down with liqueurs." He handed my 
 mother and myself to our carriage. We set him down 
 and parted. 
 
 My dear mother seemed in high spirits when 
 we got home. She was pleased to say that I looked 
 well, that I danced well, that I behaved just as she 
 Wished. This was a crown arid sceptre to me at this 
 moment. I required to feel well with myself. My 
 mind grew a little calmer ; I embraced my good 
 parent, and retired to rest. I, however, read the 
 Duke's short anonymous letter ; and I somehow che- 
 rished a hope that things would change their aspect, 
 that hope might brighten our perspective, that the 
 worst was past. 1 got quite cheerful, and enjoyed 
 the best night's rest I had since the iirst week which 
 
 I passed at Hall. I shall therefore leave my 
 
 read ere
 
 THE METROPOLIS. DO 
 
 readers for a few hours. May undisturbed repose 
 be theirs, and, whether they slumber over these 
 pages or not, I shall say to them, remilissimaniente — 
 buona notte. 
 
 .0 2
 
 56 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 jLa vie n'est qu'un songe," said Marshal Saxe (I 
 t>elieve). The name matters not : but so I always 
 found it. When I waked from my very profound 
 sleep, I was told that it was one o'clock in the after- 
 noon. Lady Mildew had called, and was answered, 
 ** pas visible," which was a great relief to me. Mr. 
 Doricourt sent a letter to invite himself to dinners 
 this pleased me too. I dressed, breakfasted, sat 
 down to my harp, and was just practising *' La, ci 
 <larem la mano," when my cousin, the Colonel, was 
 announced. My mother had just gone to the ad* 
 mirars, who was suddenly taken ill ; and I was now 
 to hear the detail of his interview with Sir Absolute. 
 
 r trembled
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 57 
 
 ***^#^^.r^**X#^^*y^*^#*^^^^.^^^*y^.*^*^^^^^^^*^^y^*^^^*^v#•*^■< 
 
 I trembled lest he should have to meet him, 
 and I flew towards my cousin with great warmth and 
 much emotion, which he answered by, *' By Juno, 
 how overpoweringly warm ! those carnations too are 
 so strong, that it is quite impossible to stand them 1 
 'pon my life I must open t'other window and look out 
 of the viranda, for it's warm enough here to kill, 
 the devil. But I say, how are you?" (all most ama- 
 zingly drawled out.) Here my Italian greyhound 
 kaped upon him. *' Too civil by half," cried he. 
 "Do cousin put him out; the best of dogs are oflfen- 
 sive in warm weather. I beg your pardon, however ; 
 you'll say that I am d — d rude; but you know that L 
 take every thing very coolly." 
 
 I rung and had the dog removed. *' I sayV* 
 
 (speaking to the servant) " Saunders, be so good as 
 
 to bring me a glass of sugar and water, or," calling 
 
 him back again, " some iced water, if possible.'' (To 
 
 D 3 ine.)
 
 58 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 me.) " I beg your pardon, you see that I make 
 myself quite at home ! d — d cool of me : but I am 
 faint, and slept ill last night ; I've settled the Knight 
 though/^ (To the servant.) *' I know that you have 
 no iced water, so just give me some sugar and water." 
 *' Yes, ColouoL' I was all unxicty. lie now flacked 
 his boot with a silk handkerchief, looked at his spurs, 
 and took out a cambric one, and wiped his face. 
 Then he stalked up to the glass, adotired himself 
 awhile, and cried, *' I am as heated as a mail-coach- 
 ra^n. I'll take a Bath and eat six ices before I dine, 
 for half a farthing : indeed, I'd go to bed again ; but 
 I see that you are impatient, so we must return to 
 the Knight." 
 
 My mother entered at this moment. (From 
 the Colonel.) "How's your uncle? Much better? 
 Law! 1 thought he was going to make a die of it! 
 Why he's as old as the Hills." (My mother.) " For 
 
 shame,"
 
 THE mi;tropot.is. 59 
 
 shame." "Not at all; \vliat are old folks good for? 
 I declare I would always have people young, or 
 else" 
 
 This is not eh expression peculiar to the af- 
 fi^Gted CoipHf^L There are a nur.her of Exquiiitcs- 
 who, ia coutradistiuction and in opposition to high 
 authority, assert that old women should never appear 
 out; that a woman is good for nothing beyond forty ; 
 aj>d I beard a most highly in request fashionable, a 
 Hussar of Hussars, say, in presence of his mother, 
 that he never wished a woman to live beyond fifty^ 
 and tbat if he was ao absolute monaich, he would 
 have them shot at that age. I shuddered at the 
 brutal expression, and so did the poor old Duchess 
 
 of X^ now no more. But there's an affectation 
 
 in this bf utality ; aiKl as for my cousin, with all his 
 
 insipidity, no one respects the \wakijess of age more 
 
 D 4 than
 
 60 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 than he. But a display of virtue is — too much 
 trouble ! 
 
 (My mother.) *' I won't hear you : it is quite 
 like a reprobate to talk so." (The Colonel.) " A 
 reprobate ! not a bit : you know that I would not 
 take the trouble to be a reprobate." (My mother, 
 slapping him good humouredly on the arm.) " I 
 know very little about you, and less good." " True.'' 
 '* But," she continued, *' I know that you have pen- 
 sioned off two servants." " Aye, that one does for 
 denency^s sake, and that they may'nt want and be 
 
 ." Here she put her hand upon his lips. ** Hold 
 
 your tongue, you wicked one; don't mar a noble 
 action by a bad word." ** Ha ! ha ! ha ! All stuff, 
 cousin ; a fellow must do some good. Indeed I'd do 
 a great deal more if I could do it without exertion : I 
 am a lazy fellow to be sure.'' 
 
 " But
 
 THE METROPOLIS. GL 
 
 " But now for a dish of scandal, finely cooked 
 up too. I have spoiled their hash for them" (a sort 
 of simile). " It is too ridiculous ; but Sir Absolirte 
 
 will perhaps have a little more feeling hereafter. 
 
 Ha !" (smacking his lips) " iced water, by Jupiter ! 
 I could fancy myself at Naples again ! how good of 
 you, cousin !' (he drinks.) *' Gome," said my mo- 
 ther impatiently, *' take it coolly, and then let us 
 have your detail." " Don't be in a hurry^— it's a 
 most old-fashioned, unbecoming thing. One piuch 
 of snuff, and then a touch of the Knight." Here he 
 took a pinch of snuff, and brushed his cravat with, 
 bis hand, with a peculiar studied grace. 
 
 " Well, I saw the old file this morning, as 
 talkative and as ugly as usual ; but my preface rather 
 annoyed him. I told him what I had heard; but 
 that I hoped that he was not the author of the re- 
 port; for, said I, I am not tired of life, and I hate 
 D 5 trouble ;
 
 62 TKE METROPOLIS. 
 
 trouble ; but should it be so, I must have a meeting 
 with you within an hour (he looked pale), and, added 
 I, taking it d — d coolly, and offering him a pinch of 
 snuff, you had better make the most of your time; 
 for I shall not part with you alive. I'll destroy you 
 
 by ." My mother stopped him from swearing, 
 
 although he sung out his oath and his defiance as 
 softly as a dress-maker would recommend a becoming 
 fashion. 
 
 (The Cdionel in continuance.) *' I do hate the 
 plague of fighting ; but w hat must be, must be ; and 
 as I am for guard to-morrow, the sooner we have this 
 matter settled the better. In case of accident, I have 
 provided a surgeon and every thing else which you can 
 wish (the old man shook like a leaf). So, Sir, explain 
 this matter to my satisfaction, or make your will, if 
 
 you like it better. 1 had,' continued he, " got 
 
 Colonel Manley for a second ; but the fellow was so 
 
 drunk,
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 03 
 
 ■»*.»^^^^^^-M.l 
 
 drunk, that I left him at my lodgings drinking soda 
 water, and having wet napkins put round his head by 
 my French fellow. However, a man of straw would 
 have done ; I only wanted a second for the fashion of 
 the thing: form must be observed. 1 should have 
 made short work af it; not that 1 fancy fighting; it is 
 in d — bad taste ; but the case was urgent, and I 
 could not be bored with a parley which might have 
 cut off ray other engagements," 
 
 To shorten the story as much as possible, the 
 effect of the Colonel's visit was to intimidate Sir Abso- 
 lute, to make him write a most abject apology, and 
 to give up Lord Lackworth and Lady Mildew as the 
 origin of every thing. Lord Lackworth, on arriving 
 rn town from the Hall, was asked respecting me : his 
 answer was, *' that some said that the Duke had run 
 away with me, and others that I had run away with 
 the Duke; that some asserted that I was married, 
 
 and
 
 C4 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 and others denied the fact ; but that how it was he 
 neither knew nor cared, for that he hated me." On 
 Lady Mildew's being interrogated how she found me 
 on her visit to Woodbine Cottage, her answer was 
 (with a grave and doleful shake of the head), *' as 
 well as can be expected." This was more than 
 enough for Sir Absolute Apathy, and he circulated 
 the story round the town, receiving additions and 
 improvements from Berkley Square to Harley Street, 
 and from Harley Street to Pall Mall, and even to 
 the Horse Guards. But the Knight, on this occa- 
 sion, got such a fright, that he left town for three 
 months, and seems since to have lost his tongue. 
 
 General O observed of him, that the Colonel 
 
 had not quite killed him; but that he left him nearly 
 speechless. The Knight gave it out too (in compa- 
 nies where he was sure that it would not be repeated 
 to my cousin), that he took him for the most lady- 
 like creature in the world ; but that he now con- 
 sidered
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 65 
 
 sidered him as a complete fire-eater, a ver\ devil 
 incarnate. 
 
 The Colonel now left us, insipidly giving us 
 each, with great ccraposure, the first joint of his 
 index-finger, as a great demonstration of kindness, 
 and more than he usually did. He informed us at 
 parting, that, instead of fighting, he was now going 
 to buy a horse at Tattersall's, which he liked just as 
 well. " Lord John," said he, " thought to tempt 
 me to a private bargain ; but he ought to know that 
 I am never eager about any thing; so I'll take my 
 chance at the hammer. The animal is a perfect pic- 
 ture ; so is our friend. Lady Charlotte; yet a man is 
 not to lose his reason for either of them. None of 
 your violent passions for me." 1 blushed ; it was a 
 lesson ; but not meant as such. He now beckoned 
 his groom, mounted his horse, threw the rein half
 
 G&i THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 on his neck, yawneci, stretched himself, and went off 
 in an easy canter. 
 
 Our next business was to send for Lady Mil- 
 dew, and to thank her for her exertions in our behalf. 
 She called Lord Lack worth a monster, and Sir Ab- 
 solute an ideot. She allowed, however, that she 
 had made use of the words *' as well as can be ex- 
 pected," for, added she, '* of all the troubles in the 
 world, love, I should suppose (correcting herself), 
 must be the greatest. But I am really very unfortu- 
 nate ; no one more discreet (we thought otherwise), 
 yet I can hardly open my mouth but I am accused of 
 injuring some one. I can scarcely make my little re- 
 mark, but it is construed (elongating and syllabing 
 it) into evil. If I say any thing, it must be scandal ! 
 'Tis most unjust, 'cousin, and I can't put \\\i with it." 
 She here shed tears again, played spasms, and called 
 for Madeira.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 67 
 
 We parted very coolly ; and, from this mo- 
 ment, we dropped her Ladyship's acquaintance. I 
 am told that we were called by the various names of 
 unjust, ungrateful, uncertain and base ; but we never 
 paid any attention to that. Oar intimacy died away ; 
 and we have been much less slandered ever since. 
 We have knov.n less about toun-talk ; but we are all 
 the more tranquil ; and, on these subjects, in my 
 opinion, " Ignorance is bli^s ;" for how shocking a 
 traffic it is, in high life, nay (I beheve) in al! ranks, 
 to barter the good name of one person for the good 
 opinion of another, or rather to exchange slander for 
 welcome, — the loss of one friend for the short-lived 
 countenance of another, — to be a carver of character, 
 a leveller of reputations, one who, deserving little of 
 the world, must degrade all around one. I had 
 rather live in solitude all my life, than have the first, 
 the gayest, the most numerous society upon such a 
 tenure ; but many a male and female fashionable 
 
 owe
 
 65 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 owe their situation in the world to this baneful 
 quality. 
 
 In a few days after my cousin's visit, we re- 
 reived certain intelligence of his Grace being far on 
 his northern tour; and we were determined, after 
 a round of engagements, (all deemed necessary for 
 form sake) to quit town and to pursue our southern 
 tour» The list was to be got through : — one conver- 
 sazione, two quadrille-balls, private theatricals at the 
 Marquess's, a subscription concert, the Ambassador's 
 stiff dinner-party, one at home of our own, and one 
 fancy ball. Time was, when this list would have 
 pleased me ; but now it appeared a fatigue. I pre- 
 pared for it nevertheless, and got through it at last. 
 Time waiteth not, and however it linger, we soon 
 come to the end of it. 
 
 Our' conversazione was at Lady bookworm's. 
 
 Her
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 69 
 
 Mer ladyship being very plain, she turned her back 
 upon the loves and graces, or rather they turned their 
 back on her, and she ranged herself with Minerva 
 and the Muses. Her ladyship's great delight is to be 
 consulted, to have a plan of a building submitted to 
 her opinion, or a new work read to her previous to 
 its being printed, or a piece of poetry dedicated to 
 her, and, above all, to correspond with learned 
 men abroad. She has attended lectures on chemistry, 
 anatomy, and natural philosophy : she reasons logi- 
 cally, and is the most gentlemanlike lady of my ac- 
 quaintance. Foreign artists are her delight ; and she 
 is surrounded by German authors. 
 
 On the night of her conversazione we had 
 about eight nations present. We were edified for an 
 hour with a lecture on the atomic system, not one 
 atom of which 1 understood. Sir Dandy Delirium 
 read his new play to us, which, if performed, will 
 
 b«
 
 70 THE METROPOLIS* 
 
 be a thealrieal opiate. A young medical Exquisite 
 (for even the drudging professions aspire to exqui* 
 sitisni) not a hundred miles from Jermjn Street, was 
 one of the party. He possesses more patience than 
 patients, in his profession ; and, as he cannot pre- 
 vail upon his acquaintance to turn sick for his beneht,^ 
 lie has conceived the plan of becoming a tourist, a 
 v^ry gcntlem&iilike trade now o'days, and a fabhion- 
 able mode of raising the wind. He submitted his 
 last tour through Sw^eden to her ladyship, who ad- 
 vises him to print it. If he does so, it will inevitably 
 travel fron;i the bookfielkr's to the grocer's, for the 
 best executed and tlie most worthless thing in it is an 
 engraving of the author. 
 
 I very soon got tired of this very learned cir- 
 cle, and retired early. The Ambassador handed me 
 to my carrijige : he was invited because he is a fo- 
 reigner only. He was, Oii that occasion, very anxious 
 
 to
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 71 
 
 r^vr^sr.#s»^s»s»yr^vr^sr»'<'^Nr^#^sr^s»^^*v»^v#vr^sr^sr 
 
 to be witty ; and, speaking of a thin, dry-looking old 
 man, tlie picture of decay, he said, " what can that 
 skeleton be invited for '?" '* He is a great antiquarian.'^ 
 " Ma foi, je le crois," cried he ; ** c'est vraiment un 
 antique; il a certainement oublie de se faire eoterrer." 
 Theu added he, in broken English, " vat for non 
 since !" and laughed at the gentleman's producing, 
 what lie called, a parcel of green farthings, which 
 gave a bad smell to his fingers. These were old 
 coins, on which i could perceive no impression save 
 that of rujt and of dirt. 
 
 The Ambassador's dinner was all form and 
 ceremony. It consisted of the corps diplomatique 
 and their ladies ; and a certain electioneering ambas- 
 sadress took the lead, We had a very bad turn out 
 of British females, mostly dowagers and elderly un- 
 married &. The civic Baronet was there, and was 
 sadly in the dumps at the soup being cold, and at a 
 
 ragout
 
 72 THE METROPOLIS, 
 
 ragout being spoiled. The dinner lasted vastly too 
 long ; some four hours at table ; what a loss of time ! 
 I do not much admire either le corps diplomatique, 
 or les corps etrangers; and all the benefit I received 
 from the concern was a practising of French and of 
 Italian. The men, however, evinced one species of 
 refinement, namely that of joining the ladies very 
 early at coffee, I got away about twelve, when, I 
 understand the whole ended in a regular gaming party,, 
 so fond are foreigners of play. At this juncture, the 
 epicurean Baronet put his hands in his pockets and 
 withdrew. 
 
 Of the private theatricals I shall say little. 
 The performers in private life were few; but they 
 were aided by the Argyle-school. The scenery was 
 scanty, bad, and ill managed. Jean de Paris was the 
 piece, and seemed to be pitched upon merely to favor 
 the flirtation of two of the party. Jean de Paris was 
 
 imperfect
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 73 
 
 araperfect in his part : and Mr. N — - did not display 
 the best pronunciation of French. How few private 
 characters are fit for scenic representation even in 
 their own language, much less in a foreign one ! 
 
 Although bursts of applause followed the pet- 
 formance, I thought that it went off very flatly. Mrs. 
 
 B m a would-be leader of fashion, was there, 
 
 with her pockets fall of tickets for her protege s 
 benefit. How troublesome are these characters, who 
 make themselves mere ticket-porters for theatrical 
 ■and other professional performers ! 
 
 Speaking of private French theatricals, puts 
 me in mind of the Argyle Rooms, ainl of the weakness 
 of our noblesse in putting up with the very inferior 
 performers, fourth rate at best, who come over here 
 to insult our national taste, and who carry the vul- 
 garity of the Fauxbourgs St. Antoine and St. Mar- 
 
 ceau,
 
 74 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ccau, of the quartier dii Temple and la Rapee into 
 our court-end of the town and into our first circles, 
 where they are not only endured but caressed. These 
 persons are the sweepings of minor theatres, or debu- 
 tantes of mauvaise grace; yet the idea of the concern 
 being a foreign ©ne suffices for our easy fashionables 
 — ^^sucli second-hand furniture as a Perlet or a Fusil, 
 who, not for the sake of making a pun, but for that 
 of truth, it must be allowed, would go off no where 
 else but with the fanciful of London. 
 
 We ought to admit of nothing from a foreign 
 stage but the most select and the most spirited — the 
 very last fashion (as in dress) ; for its novelty, in 
 general, is its greatest recommendation. It is not 
 because it is merely French, (a bad comphment 
 indeed to our national taste) that it is, or ought to be 
 introduced, but because it is novel, interesting, light, 
 full of variety, or that it has some real merit. We are 
 
 quite
 
 TftE METROPOLIS. 75 
 
 r-»^.»-r^*'-»^.t^-»^*^-f.r.»-**~r**4 
 
 quite near enough to France to receive every novelty, 
 in dramatic as well as in any other fashion, and why 
 should we, as if the Atlantic were between us, receive 
 ^tale fashions and damaged goods, whilst even the 
 Americans receive their fashions twice a quarter, wind 
 and weather permitting : so say my dress-maker and 
 habit-maker, and they are less hoaxed than the Ar- 
 gyle-comraittee. 
 
 Were it once understood that we were to have 
 a French as well as an Italian t 'eatre, although, at 
 the present juncture, it could not be licenced, from 
 the unpopularity of the measure, yet, might we, by 
 subscription, have ine very first performers, who 
 would come, in rotation, for a short time; for every 
 thing gives way to British gold. In Loudon we have 
 but to say we will have a thing, and it is done. The 
 orient and the Occident, the most remote -and frozen 
 regions ; all the luxuries and produce of the Continent 
 
 find
 
 7t3 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 **^-^^-r^^.»^.»^»^.».r*^^»^**^*«*.»* 
 
 find their way to the British market. But there is u 
 want of judgment in the Argyle-committee ; and it 
 appears as if the boast of having French plays was 
 quite sufficient, without looking at all to the excellence 
 of the performers : for which the French laugh at us 
 with their <:onvulsive ah ! bah ! and, *' it is good 
 enough for les Anglais ;" and thus do they pass off 
 their very worst theatrical lumber upon us. Nay some 
 of the performers come pour se degourder, to find 
 the use of their limbs, and to make a practising-rooni 
 of the British boards. 
 
 I could say something nearly similar respecting 
 French companions of all casts ; but it does not quite 
 
 become a female pen. Yet do Lord M , a noble 
 
 Marquess, the rich Mr. L , and hundreds of 
 
 others support establishments for ladies, on whom the 
 fastidious and self-sufficient Paris merveilleux would 
 bestow his wanted ah ! bah ! accompanied by the 
 
 njost
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ^^**^.e^^^-f^*^j^**r-^*^*-^^*f^*^^^.f^»^»^»^^4 
 
 most contemptuous smile on Englis>h taste. What 
 has injured this last subject in a great measure, is, the 
 conduct of our countrymen abroad, their herding 
 together, their bacchanalian imprudences, their real 
 want of taste and discrimination in Paris, and the 
 very few, who, assimilatin« themselves to the manners 
 of the country, could really set the fashion, and 
 furnish the most brilliant examples for imitation, 
 which our nobility is capable of doing. 
 
 1 now came to the fancy ball ! This assem- 
 blage was one of the most brilliant which I ever 
 joined. All the beauty and fashion of the first circle 
 were there — a numerous yet select, an illustrious yet 
 truly happy collection. The exterior of the house was 
 one blaze of light ; its approaches, a wood of car- 
 riages. Nodding feathers, sparkling gems, blooming 
 complexions heightened by the warmth of the apart- 
 ment and improved by the hand of art, glittered aiid 
 Vol* L e 'owed
 
 78 THE METKOi'OLlb. 
 
 glowed on every side. The rose, in all its shades, was 
 there, from its modest opening bud scarcely daring to 
 meet the solar beam, to the full hloAvn maturity of the 
 marchesa, and to the damask rose of Lady A . 
 
 The interior of the mansion possessed all that 
 marble, porphyry, granite, bronze, carving, sculpture, 
 architecture, painting and ornament couid produce. 
 The centre room, of many pillars, multiplied by 
 immense mirrors and rendered dazzling by the reflec- 
 tion of lights and their multiplied effect from thus 
 being returned and doubled again and again upon the 
 eye, was of singular elegance and taste. It also 
 breathed a coolness of drapery whicli, in such a crowd, 
 appeared to alter the climate, and to give the scene an 
 entirely new attraction. The dr.jpery of the curtains, 
 and tlie pannels of the room were lilac and pale 
 yellow, with silver fringe. Drab, crimson, and or 
 molu borders were the furniture of the next apart- 
 ment.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 79 
 
 inent. lu this centre apartment, of which the ceiling 
 was beautifully painted, and the floor very beautifully 
 chalked, the spaces betwixt the pillars were filled by 
 the rarest, the most expensive and the most odoriferous 
 plants ; the orchestra was concealed under an arch, 
 masked by orange trees ; and the tallest flowering 
 myrtles which 1 ever saw were in vases, representing 
 allegorical groupes, of high finish and of happy imita- 
 tion. The lustres, the candelabra s, the giraodoles, 
 and chandeliers were innumerable. The stair-case 
 was hung with coloured lamps, and adorned with 
 rose-trees and many foreign and native plants. 
 
 . There were four dancing-rooms, and four 
 distinct bauds of music. A Turkish band in appro- 
 priate costume, — a German band for waltzes only, in 
 the military Hussar uniform, — a French baud for 
 quadrilles, clad in dark gxeeu and silver, — and the 
 invisible band, in which were a harp, an Irish pipe, 
 E 2 d'C.
 
 so THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 t-.^^\f~f-^^-r^f^*^* 
 
 &c. All the servants had a fanciful uniform instead 
 of the family livery, and this produced an excellent 
 effect, being very costly and uncommonly splendid. 
 It was plain scarlet, with lace and spangles in pro- 
 fusion. Admirable order prevailed amongst the ser- 
 vants, and every thing seemed to be done by clock- 
 work, unlike a certain illustrious house, where (the 
 domestics being absurdly indulged with liquor) uni- 
 versal confusion ensued. 
 
 Touching the intoxication of servants, I shall 
 never forget when, in my childhood, I visited the 
 Lord Lieutenant of Ireland (a relation). We made a 
 tour through the country, and stopped three days 
 with the late amiable Countess of B — Iv — e, very 
 different from the present one. We were going a 
 dreary road ten miles to private theatricals, and her , 
 Ladyship's cautions to her two poslilliong were, 
 ^* Mick and Barney, mind that vou do not get drunk 
 
 at 
 
 i
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 81 
 
 ^^^^**-»^*^*^»^*-f'»^-*^-* 
 
 at the Castle, for fear any accident should happen, 
 and when you come home you shall have as much as 
 vou can drink." *' Depend upon us, ray lady, ' said 
 the postillions. They did keep sober : but, on their 
 return, got so dreadfully tipsy, that the one kept his 
 bed with sickness for two days, and the other was 
 confined to the house with bruises from his fellow- 
 servant, who " for love knocked him down." This, 
 however, was better than disturbing the company. 
 
 Let any foreigner behold this scene, and tell 
 me what they have on the Continent equal to it ! — 
 Not even national feasts, or royal banquets. I ac- 
 knowledge that the Greek and Roman schools can 
 produce the finest works of nature; that in Italy, 
 stately piles of buildings can strike with awe and ad- 
 miration ; that, in their ruins even, such prostrate 
 majesty appears as rivets your attention, and is un- 
 equalled elsewhere ; but then add to the interior of 
 E 3 a splendid
 
 82 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 a splendid mansion, some of the works of Greece and 
 of Rome, lii>hts, costly ornaments, music, odours, 
 living models of perfection, warm smiles, speaking 
 and sparkling eyes, mirth, festivity, pleasure, attrac- 
 tion, dancing, fine attitudes, gentle beauty, and the 
 magical appearance of an enchanted palace, and 
 surely the effect must come more home to the sense* 
 than when the mind is absorbed in contemplating the 
 breathing picture, or the broken column of ancient 
 and past magnificence. 
 
 A ball is a delightful thing ; but it is a very 
 dangerous thing also. Nothing sets the heart stray- 
 ing more than these fancy balls. Mine was however 
 gone, and I might say, brilliant as the scene was, 
 ** II n'y a pas de fete, ou Ic coeur n'y est pas." About 
 one o'clock pleasure was at its meridian : so little are 
 pebple of fashion the slaves of time. Tlie supper, 
 exquisite and admirable as it was, was announced at 
 
 two
 
 THE METROPOLIS. S3 
 
 *,/v^^,#s^^^^y#^^^.*.^^^^^,*^*^^^*^s#^^*^*.^*^*^-^^*^^j 
 
 two o'clock by the sound of bugles ; daucing recom- 
 menced at four : and a very high sun lighted us to 
 v,jr couches. All was perfection; all was conducted 
 in the best possible style; all was magnificence; yet 
 there was no restraint. 
 
 Having said so much of the house and of the 
 biJl of fare, I must add a few lines respecting the 
 company, and their various dresses ; for every one, 
 from the ciiild of quality of fifteen up to the queen 
 of diamonds of fifty (an age, entre nous, not so much 
 out of date as might be imagined, but on the con- 
 trary in high request in the highest sphere), was 
 habited in some character, costume, or fancy garb, 
 as were also all from the Exquisite lordhng to the 
 grave judge. We had a number of Sha4vespeare"s 
 characters, — an Ariel, a Beatrice, an Anna Boleyne, 
 and a fair Lady Jane Grey. The Pantheon was sifted 
 for wood-nymphs and water-nymphs, for heathen di- 
 E 4 vinities.
 
 84 TUE METROPOLIS. 
 
 vinities, for a Mars, for an Apollo, for a Mercurv, 
 and for Bacchus with a Bacchanalian suite. There 
 were also beaux and belles, in the Greek, Roman, 
 old English, Spanish, Italian, German, Celtic and 
 Tartar costume, all of whom played some part. 
 There were groupes of musicians and singers, and 
 bands of dancers, and reciters of scenic selections. 
 One Italian bard sung beautifully; and the dancing 
 groupe got up a ballet, ** Les folies d'Espagne." Be- 
 sides which, waltzes were danced in character ; and 
 we had an uniform for the quadrille party, and a 
 ^ood Highland groupe. 
 
 Some of the gay throng, however, quite mis- 
 took their characters. We had a female Cupid, and, 
 I was going to say, a male Venus ; for Lady Manly 
 thought fit to represent that character, and appeared 
 
 like a Patagonian. The Marquess of H was 
 
 habited as a Turk, and looked more like a tailor; 
 
 and
 
 THE MEXaOPOLIS. 85 
 
 and Lord Emily (as I call him), a compound of paste 
 and of perfume, thought he looked well as a Cossack. 
 But why do I dwell on these little errors, when the 
 whole was so admirable ? In the most common oc- 
 currences of life, we all, and most particularly my 
 sexi make these mistakes. An elderly woman, with 
 a fine Grecian countenance, would command atten- 
 tion and admiration, did she look grave, dignified 
 and pensive; whereas, having fine teetli, she is on 
 a simper or broad grin incessantly, aiid afiects all 
 the frolicksomeness of the petite fi-gure chifFone of 
 sixteen, quite round and all dimples and smiles.. 
 Sixteen again is insufferably proud, and she apes the 
 donna superba, smiles contemptuously on all around 
 her, and disarms the loves and graces, who would, 
 otherwise, have conquered all before them on her 
 account. The arch expression suits one counte- 
 nance ; yet will it assume another cast. Ringlets 
 become an ivory neck ; yet perhaps will she who pos- 
 E 5 sesses
 
 86 
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 '••*^*^*s»-*^.*s»s*,#\#^s#vr*. 
 
 sesses it adopt quite another arrangement; whilst 
 the coarse, red bosom of a corpulent dame is ren- 
 dered still more inflammable by an auburn ringlet 
 heightening her heated appearance. Des fausses man- 
 nitres, gigglings, titterings, nibbling of lips, fan- 
 flirting and fidgetting the body about, disfigure many 
 young women, and deprive them of half their attrac- 
 tion : so that it is not to be wondered at that so 
 many of us err in dress, when in our most determined 
 habits we wander so far from the graceful and from 
 the becoming, in order to court the novel, the fan- 
 ciful, and, above all, the foreign manners. 
 
 " We have here the very empire of fashion," 
 said Lord Flutter to me, as we met in our promenade 
 of the room '* You then conceive fashion to be an 
 absolute monarch," observed Sir Charles Caustic. 
 " 1 believe there is more of the empire than of the 
 commonwealth in it," continued he, " for our fashion- 
 ables
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ables generall} contrive to ruiu themselves sooner or 
 later; but, my Lord, is this imperial monarchy of 
 fashion hereditary or elective?" "Oh! certainly 
 elective," replied the peer : *' liieir legitimacy and 
 the rights of kings have nothing to do with fashion. 
 
 Certainly not." At this moment the R 1 passed, 
 
 and the subject was dropped. The splendid military 
 uniform was his costume. Yet, there he mistakes 
 again ; for scarlet becomes him worse than any other 
 colour. Blue is his most becoming dress. But, 
 " chacun a son gout." *' The greatest })rince in Ea- 
 rope !" whispered Sir Charles. This he meant sati- 
 rically, and arguing as a materialist. " Yes," answered 
 Lord Flutter, with becoming spirit and loyalty, *' if 
 you calculate the triumphs of his arms, the modera- 
 tion which has attended his conquests, the accom- 
 plishments of his mind, and the qualities of his heart 
 — kindness, condescension and humanity, politeness, 
 affability, and the highest polish; but, above all, 
 
 when
 
 88 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r^^^^>^^N^^vr^s^^^^ 
 
 when you throw into the scale the manly honor of 
 governing a free people, you may call him the greatest 
 prince in the world." 
 
 Here a band of troubadours approached us ; 
 and the peer passed from the baronet with an air of 
 indignation. The troubadours supported their parts 
 admirably, and sung appropriate songs. In a word, 
 the assemblage of the ^lite of fashion will ever stand 
 on record with the beau monde of the day. We 
 separated, all in the best possible spirits ; and it was 
 not until I found myself alone, that I relapsed into a 
 gentle state of melancholy which, of late, was wont 
 to take possession of me in the midst, frequently, of 
 the gayest scenes. 
 
 Miss Tattle called on me the next morning, in 
 order to talk over the preceding night's amusement, 
 or, as she called it, to talk over our acquaintance, 
 
 which
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 89 
 
 f,/><v#s#'*v»vr«r**^.#s#v»H#>*^*s#>#sr*«r»r^*^sr^*^v**^^ *^s*s»^#s*^* 
 
 which is nothing more nor less than to cut up every 
 one, to abuse their dress, to feed scandal, and to in- 
 dulge envy and spleen. " What a frightful head- 
 dress Lady had on !" exclaimed she, almost 
 
 before she was seated, " and in that respect she is 
 always peculiarly awkward." " I do not think so at 
 all," said I. *' And" (without waiting for an an- 
 swer) " what a hog in armour the Marchioness looked 
 like! Lord Plagiary, as a Pilgrim, was ridiculous, 
 as are his half-religious, half-nonsensical poems. Did 
 
 you observe Mr. L , how he watched his Uttle 
 
 wife? I don't blame him there; and did you mind 
 how the full-blov^Ti roses clung to the Prince ? Coun- 
 tess L — n danced as if she was a piece of clock-work 
 wound up for the purpose ; not the least look of ease, 
 of gaiety, or of mirth in her ! one might well say of 
 her * How much at variance were her feet and e\es.* 
 And was any thing on earth half so out of character 
 
 as the widow as a virgin of the sun ! twice a 
 
 bride,
 
 90 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 >*^*^^^^^-r^^^^*^^.^^4 
 
 bride, and now a very zealous candidate for a third 
 matrimonial election ! I think that she has cast her 
 eye upon your cousin in the Guards: I shall pity hira 
 if he take her." I assured her that she might be easy 
 on that head, and cut off, as quickly as I possibly 
 could, a conversation which was odious to me. But 
 there are women Wilio prefer this talking over the 
 night before, to the most pleasurable amusement in 
 the world. 
 
 I had scarcely got rid of this female gossip 
 when a male one made his appearance. *' Ha !" said 
 he, " I am glad to see your Ladyship up. I was 
 fearful that the fatigue oi last night would have been 
 quite too much for you ; I did not expect to be let 
 in. You did not look altogether so well as usual," 
 (looking attentively at me) ; " and we all thought that 
 some attraction was wanting to put you in spirits. 
 But was it not a delightful ball ? By the bye, was not 
 
 Lady
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 91 
 
 Lady Mary ridiculously dressed? she a figure for 
 Ariel ! and Lady B for Apollo ! Apollo's grand- 
 father more like ! The Duchess dowager too ! how 
 loaded with diamonds ! surely that woman never 
 means to be old ! How Lord Dangerfield stuck to the 
 Prince ! he must be a great annoyance : there is such 
 a thing as wearing out good nature/' " I am sure," 
 replied I, *' that never happens to you." *' Never ; 
 no never," said he, a little confused. 
 
 " But pray is it true that we are going to lose 
 you? that you are going abroad immediately? I am 
 sure that it cannot be for improvement or for edu- 
 cation." " No," said I, " I am too old." " Not at 
 all : but one cannot improve perfection, nor polish 
 what is at its highest lustre." '* Bien oblige ; but iu 
 spite of that I am going immediately abroad, with a 
 view of improvement, and in order to gain experience, 
 and to see more of the world." '' The world," said 
 
 he.
 
 THE MI>TROPOLIS. 
 
 he, *' is London the polished circles of that me- 
 tropolis ; and I, who have travelled over most part of 
 Europe, declare it to be so." " The authority," said 
 I, " is undeniable ; but you must make some allow- 
 ance for female curiosity, to gratify which, I am on 
 the point of my departure." ** Well,*' concluded he, 
 it is right to go abroad, in order to have it to say 
 that one has been there, and that is all. It is right, 
 because it is fashionable : but, otherwise, mark me 
 otherwise, for fashion must be obeyed, I should con- 
 sider it as a deal of time and of money lost. It has, 
 however, one advantage : it makes us relish home 'the- 
 more on our return ; just as we never know a friend's 
 value, until absence has pointed it out to us. Where- 
 fore fair Lady I shall withdraw ; assuring you 
 
 of my very respectful attachment, and leaving my 
 best remembrances to your Lady mother." He at- 
 tempted to kiss my hand ; but I withdrew it ; and he- 
 made his exist. . 
 
 ^ Now
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 9S 
 
 Now poured in a host of visitors to take leave 
 of us ; and we bad to listen to gossiping stories, 
 various accounts of the Continent, all disagreeing, 
 exaggerated descriptions of tbe state of France and 
 of its inhabitants, some extolling both up to the 
 skies. *' We should never come back," said one : 
 " we should find every thing so much gayer, and so 
 much more luxurious than in England ; their manners 
 so easy, so mirthful, so much amusement in the 
 country, every luxury too at so reasonable a price." 
 ** You'll soon be tired of your trip," exclaimed an- 
 other ; " you'll be overcharged and cheated on every 
 article of life, poisoned with their want of cleanliness, 
 terrified with the unsettled state of the country, dis- 
 gusted with every thing." Very contradictory, in 
 deed, thought I to myself : the truth must be between 
 these two great contrasts. And so it was: neither 
 was correct. 
 
 Our
 
 94 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 Our visits lasted until dressing time. V/e re- 
 solved to look in at the Opera, and to be alone the 
 nex,t day, to dedicate it to letter writing, and to send 
 round our empty carnage with tickets P. P. C. Adieus 
 are mournful things, either to give or to receive. 
 There is something more than melancholy in them. 
 But I must not get gloomy. Away with the word ; 
 it savours of despair. The multiplicity of visits hud 
 distracted and divided our attentions. How insipid 
 most of them ! how insincere ! how much we lose by 
 multiplying our acquaintance to a great extent! The 
 objects pass so rapidly by, that they leave no im- 
 pression, save that on the dial of our clock, which 
 tells us that time has flown without our perceiv- 
 
 Upon second thoughts we determined on not 
 going to the Opera, as we should be so overcome 
 with enquiries and farewells. Our letter-writing day 
 
 was
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 95 
 
 was a dull one. What a world of billets, of kiud 
 enquiries (sent for form sake), of at homes, of invita- 
 tions, of thanks for kind enquiries and of visiting 
 cards, I tore in pieces and ordered to be consigned to 
 the flames ! How many silly notes I was obliged to 
 write to take leave ! How many unwelcome ones I 
 had to receive and to answer ! I thought that my 
 mother, myself and my cousin Gertrude would never 
 have done. 
 
 " Do, my dear creature, (wrote Lady Modish) 
 contrive to send me over the very last Paris fashions; 
 I want to have them before the dress-makers and the 
 vile trades-people." ** Will you, my dear friend, think 
 of your Caroline when in Paris, and send her a faith- 
 ful account of all the secrets, scandal, chit-ciiat, and 
 above all, a detail of what our countrymen are about? 
 A few pair of gloves would be welcome, at the same 
 
 time," was the burthern of Mrs. H. B 's letter, 
 
 that
 
 96 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 that real and genuine fashionable. " Dear Lady , 
 
 may I trouble you to get a box of perfumes conveyed 
 
 to House? our English ones are nothing to them. 
 
 My Lord is coming from Florence, and he will 
 
 take them, en passant, from you; but I dare not 
 trust to his memory nor to his taste to buy them. 
 Health, and dissipation, pleasure and a speedy 
 return. Yours ever, 
 
 Lauea." 
 This was the contents of another ; added to commis- 
 sions innumerable, and very seldom accompanied with 
 the money requisite for the purchase. 
 
 In the midst of all this fatigue, a very happy 
 event occurred, namely the sudden arrival of my 
 brother from his regiment, on his promotion. He had 
 long leave of absence, which enabled him to accom- 
 pany us abroad ; and now had I a natural protector ! 
 
 Now, for the first time, since I left Hall, I felt 
 
 really
 
 THE METROPOLIS. P7 
 
 really in spirits, and fit to go through the world : but 
 first let me describe its epitome in the following public 
 masquerade, which my brother's arrival and his^ solici- 
 tations induced me to attend. Sir Herbert , his 
 
 lady and some friends, kindly undertook to be our 
 Ciceroni,
 
 98 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 f*'»^r*^fy»^^^*r^^'*^f^j^*^*^*^-f'^^^^**^**^^*^**^'^^^* 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 This public masquerade was numerously attended \ 
 and all the beauty and fashion in town were there. 
 
 Soberly habited in a Domino, with a half mask, 
 and a female hanging on his arm, a certain illustrious 
 Duke first attracted our attention. A Patagoniau 
 flow^er-girl, supposed to be a male in female attire, 
 thus addressed him. " Royal Commander, you are 
 known in spite of your disguise. Your little Prussian 
 ally would have been a better arm-companion than Mrs. 
 — . Does Mrs. ever assume military com- 
 mand? And how do her chickens flourish? Oh! fie 
 great Sir ; your own noble air is better suited to your 
 high descent than the air of Fulham and its vicinity ; 
 but we applaud \our prudence in one thing, namely 
 
 in
 
 THE METROPOLIS. QQ 
 
 in keeping; up ai^pearances, and in allowing the 
 
 illustrious as uiauy of the canine race as she 
 
 chooses, provided the principal whelp be left at liberty 
 to roam where he pleases." 
 
 On this the Domino and Mrs. — — moved off, 
 and the Patagonian then attacked a most noble 
 Marquess. *' Most noble horse-maiiiie," said she, 
 " why did you not appear in your amphibious charac- 
 ter, with the head of a horse and the tail of a dolphin 1 
 Well may our state bark prosper with such heads at 
 the helm? A pretty pilot indeed to weather the storm ! 
 Pray when did you raise your last annuity, or get into 
 another money-scrape ? and how is your favorite bru- 
 nette, most noble Marquess? Moderate and cloudy ? 
 I know you, although you seem to be lost in a fog ; 
 but both you and the Baronet, lately arrived from 
 Sandwich, would not be 7ni:t if you disappeared 
 entirely from llie head of affairs?, or if you left the 
 
 good
 
 100 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r*^*^*vr 
 
 good ship Britanina to herself. You look as like a 
 sailor'^ (this was his dress) " as a sea horse." The 
 youBg nobleman escaped in the crowd. 
 
 A very portly couple now hove in sight. They 
 loomed like something royal: the male represented 
 the Grand Turk; the lady was a Queen Mab in folio. 
 She was called a Duchess in perspective, being next 
 door to that title ; but she borrowed much of her 
 consequence from her companion. A very smooth, 
 soft skin was visible under her mask ; but it was 
 supposed that fifty she would never see more. These 
 half country-plants, however, are quite the taste of 
 the great man in question ; the climate of royal gardens 
 is most favourable to their growth ; but if the ^ood 
 lady grows much more in the sunshine of power, she 
 must be a monstrous favorite indeed. The Patagouian 
 plagued her ladyship a good deal, bat kept at awful 
 distance from the Turk. 
 
 It
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 101 
 
 It is said that the Grand Seignor has long since 
 thrown the handkerchief at Queen Mab, bat has 
 thrown off the mask of propriety and of all considera- 
 tion towards a certain heavy appendage to royalty. 
 In the character of a husband he is not particurlarly 
 admired; but as a professor of every thing that is 
 most elegant and fascinating, as a companion, or as a 
 pattern of what a prince and a gentleman ought to be, 
 he is unrivalled. Masks, revels, balls, puppet-shows 
 and parade are his delight; and he appeared in very 
 high spirits. His dress was splendid and beautiful. 
 No man changes his coat oftener : blue and buff was 
 once his favorite clothing; but he has left his friends 
 to look blue by themselves, whilst royal scarlet is his 
 favorite dress. 
 
 At this moment the Marquess of Mount St. 
 Jean passed with a lady in the dress of a religious 
 
 novice. He bailed, en passant, the Duke of . 
 
 Vol. I. F «' Vou
 
 102 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ** Your most obedient," said he to this gentle 
 and amiable nobleman, ** I found you out by your 
 suavity of man^ner and by your gracefulness in dancing. 
 By the bye, you have got an old partner of mine there; 
 aud although we did not pair kindly in our quadrille, 
 yet she went off very well with you as a vis-a-vis. 
 You have my best wishes. But now, gentle Duke, no 
 more of the rouge et noir! A little economy^ 
 distrust not the monarch of the forest ; and keep some 
 of your timber and of your patrimonial inheritance 
 for the evening of life. I feel interested for ye both. 
 Fare ye well — je vous salue de tout mon coeur." 
 
 AVhen it was explained to me by my Ciceroni 
 that this was a couple doubly divorced, I was quite 
 astonished at the good understanding between them. 
 The two husbands are great contrasts. The noble 
 Marquess is a fighting man himself, a very hero; 
 but ia his onset in matrimonial life he aped the cha- 
 racter
 
 THE METROPOLIS. LO | 
 
 racter of Petruchio, and over played it. His Grace 
 is as geotle as a dove, quite contented that the Duke 
 John, bis progenitor, should ha%-e been the fighting 
 man of the family, and perfectly satisfied with battles 
 on wood or on canvass. He has, however, been a 
 gallant, gay Lothario, but is now what is called a 
 reformed rake. The system of reform, however, al- 
 ways proceeding on reduction, he has reformed, or 
 at least reduced his fortune considerably; yet did 
 he, the other night, give a splendid ball and supper, 
 his taste for expense surviving the physical power 
 of gratification. This is no uncommon thing with 
 elderly husbands; and elderly husbands are ail the 
 go. Every one wishes the Duke well. 
 
 The Patagonian lady v/as now unmasked* 
 
 'Something very severe was said to this character 
 
 about ingratitude, and it was observed by a Domino, 
 
 tlKit the mask of decency would be more befitting 
 
 F 2 than
 
 104 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 than the mask of morality and of severity. The 
 figure was no other than a little poet upon stilts, 
 who in attacking his quondam benefactor, and in 
 lashing his betters, with a small rod which he had 
 in his hands, made a trip and broke down. The 
 wooden stilts appeared; whilst he shuffled out of 
 the room. It is curious how so many bards are lame 
 in one way or other; but a straight forward course 
 suits not the Muses ; uneven measures, sportiveness 
 and fancy must lead them, more or less, an up and 
 down dance. 
 
 A propos, at this moment a Right Honorable 
 would-be minstrel, who, like the last mask, took his 
 partner from the stage, next made his appearance, 
 habited as a priest of Apollo. He too was upon 
 stilts, which made him much lamer than the little 
 man, who never was accused of a want of measure, 
 but of a want of manners. They both, in hexameter 
 
 ver»e.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 105 
 
 verse, deplored the depravity of the times, and talked 
 about the balance of power. The peer Edward had 
 heard his father, who was a judge (which his son 
 never can be), say something about justice or her 
 balance, which thus came into his head. After mu- 
 tual embraces they separated ; the peer on a tour of 
 discovery to Italy; the poet commoner, to console 
 himself with his partner. He left the room singing, 
 ** There's a bower of roses near Bendermere stream." 
 
 Now the illustrious character who had, for a 
 moment, unsuccessfully played the Turk, entered 
 the room again habited (he changes his habits very 
 often) as Comus, with his whole court about him. 
 A mistress of revels, a royal jester, a lord of misrule, 
 or commodore, as a stalking horse. Lord Y-grec as 
 his taster, a band oi Jljes and of other wind instru- 
 ments, servants of all sizes and servants of all work. 
 He was followed, at a distance, by a Mrs. Fitz 
 F 3 George,
 
 lOG THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 George, as a Grey Sister, and by a lady je ne sais 
 quois, a quondam favorite. The beauties of Caro- 
 line's figure attracted his attention ; but the mistress 
 of the revels whispered that she was not half old 
 enough for him. Sir Herbert being habited a second 
 time, ia imitation of the great patron, in the dress 
 of a German drill-serjeant, received a gracious nod 
 from the illustrious masks first mentioned. 
 
 Close by the side of Comus, v. hose brows 
 were bound with roses and with vine (happy the 
 wedded man whose brows are half so gracefully 
 bound), walked the Earl of Flagiolet, one of the 
 wind instruments of this same court of Conuis. He 
 was advised to go in the habit of Apollo, on account 
 of his being imberbis Apollo, or " Apollo ever fair 
 and ever young;" but then the peer, though very 
 fair for a Jehu, is as sallow and cream-coloured as 
 one of his Majesty's parade horses ; and again he has 
 
 nothiu.cr
 
 THE METROrOLIS.- 10] 
 
 t^f^.rr^-r-t 
 
 nothing of Apollo about him, unless the being fol- 
 lowed by nine ladies at a lime iwight give him some 
 title for imitation. 
 
 ** There is a great deal of good in this lord,' 
 observed the Ciceroni. '* He certainly is one amongst 
 the best at the court of Comus, whose bande joyeuse 
 \% strangely made up; in so much so, that a certain, 
 foreign favorite now exclaims, *• Ah ! qu'il est mal 
 entour^!" The Baronet, however, was lost in ad- 
 miration of his Hrgh Mightiness and at the splendor of 
 Ws train, until a groupe appeared which caused 
 him much uneasiness, and which set itini on the alert, 
 lest any one should disengage the hand of the lovely 
 Caroline from his arm ; the better to protect which, 
 he had assumed the drill-serjeanl's costume. 
 
 The uneasiness of Sir Herbert arose from the 
 
 appearance of a band of satyrs, led by one habited 
 
 F 4 as
 
 lOS THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 as Pan, and accompanied hy a cohort of Greeks. 
 The habit which the lovely Caroline had assumed, 
 encouraged these characters to accost her, but not 
 in the language suited to their dress ; for, although 
 they were most of them nobly born, and educated 
 according to their rank in life, ihey had long lost 
 s-ight both of the scholar and of the gentleman ; they 
 had assumed looser habits than those of ancient 
 Greece ; and nothing of the sage or of the pbiloso- 
 jvher remained amongst them. The predatory system 
 of the Greeks, their astutious cunning, and their 
 v»eU concealed art, were the only features of anti- 
 quity which were unaltered in them. 
 
 To protect the fair from the attacks of these 
 adventurers, a gentleman, habited as a gownsman 
 from the university, and a youth in the disguise of 
 a Polish lancer, fell in, on their flanks, and completely 
 routed the foe. Tlie former addressed the groupe in 
 
 Greek :
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 100 
 
 Greek ; for he was a scholar. The latter gave them 
 to understand that they were all well known, and 
 that their handy works stood on record. He re- 
 proached them with the plunder of many an unsus- 
 picious youth; and bringing to their remembrance 
 divers scenes at Brighton, at Long's Hotel, in the 
 neighbourhood of Leicester Square, and of Blandford 
 Street, they all took ta flight. 
 
 *' Pray tell me when. Sir Geoffray," (said he 
 to a Baronet of this worthy party) " did the illegiti- 
 mate descendant of a Scottish chief teach you the 
 black art upon the cards or dice? When were you 
 (to use your own vulgar plirase) put up? When did 
 you receive threatening letters and pay hush-money,, 
 rather than he exposed in the transaction? How do 
 you and a brother Baronet's hopeful son, whose 
 transactions in France, and elsewhere, have so dis- 
 F 5 graced
 
 110 THE METROPOLTP. 
 
 graced him, at present stand 1 Do you visit him in 
 confinement, or do you affect to cut him ?" 
 
 Turning* then to a lame peer, " Have a care, 
 my lord," said he ; " you are known, and I will un- 
 mask you if you importune that lady. Neither Mr. 
 B. A. the poet and the blackguard, nor your tiger 
 cup-bearer, nor the honorable B. C. the gentleman 
 miller, nor the Doctor, nor any of the crew from 
 Newgate t^o Billingsgate, either of your family, or of 
 your associates, will be able to assist you here. You 
 have humour and you might play a better part: it 
 suits not the peer of a sister kingdom to be in the 
 mouth of every Cyprian and of every Greek in town, 
 and to be chronicled for nothing, save depravity." 
 
 Tliis spirited sally routed all the Grecian 
 host; and, when the two friendly masks, acting in 
 
 the
 
 THE METROPOLIS. Ill 
 
 the same cause, though wholly unknown to each other, 
 had cleared the coast, they fell back, each looking 
 on the other in noble rivaliy. They both seemed well 
 acquainted with the town, and gave the Baronet a 
 detailed history of their party, which put him com- 
 pletely on his guard. The Baronet requested to 
 know their names ; but they declined ; each assuring 
 him, however, that a time v.ould come when they 
 would reveal themselves, and that, in the interim, 
 they would merit his esteem, and render him all the 
 service in their power. 
 
 Reflecting on the dishonorable transactions of 
 fallen nobihty and of degraded gentlemen. Sir Herbert 
 felt indignant for a time, and this casual meeting 
 marred the mirth of the scene ; but shortly the merry 
 dance, led on by a Sicilian nobleman, and followed 
 up by all the waltzers and amateurs of quadrille-dan- 
 cing.
 
 1>2 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 cing, enlivened the scene again. There were rival 
 Veslris's in Count Fortunio the Sicilian, and Lord 
 
 Mount C , skipping harlequins, an elderly priest 
 
 of Hymen, running after an heiress in vain, ** where 
 the stormy tempests blow," with many merry makers 
 of antics too numerous to mention. 
 
 As to the waUzers, Lady Louisa M led the 
 
 way, strewing flowers, and exhibiting infinite grace ; 
 and she was followed by a dancer whose name re- 
 sembled Folly. Miss S — m— r, a rival Terpsichore, 
 gave her hand to Lord P. and attracted «iuch notice. 
 The Marchioness of D — ns — re as Maria, and once 
 the flower of May, was a looker on ; whilst Sir C. H. 
 was a finder of fault, the character which be generally 
 assumes. 
 
 Poor Caroline's heart was in the dance ; but 
 
 Sir
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 113 
 
 ^*^***■*^/■*^#■*^*■*^ 
 
 Sir Herbert knew not to whom to give her as a part- 
 ner, and be much feared, if he once lost sight of her, 
 that be should lose her altogether. A senior waltz- 
 party being got together. Lady Hardenberg made 
 lierself ridiculous in a party with the fat Countess of 
 S. A. better known by the name of the Nabob's sister, 
 and in the same set with the stiff Countess of L — v — n 
 and Captain C — ft, who was bit, a few years ago, by 
 a mad dancing-master, and declared incurable by his 
 Papa, who then practised physic. 
 
 A certain illustrious naval Duke now appeared 
 bound in Hymen's chains of German manufacture. It 
 is supposed that he had run far and near after the 
 hymeneal deity for a long time before he caught him ; 
 so that this illustrious Benedict looked not only out 
 of breath but a little out of date. Every one now 
 thronged into the refreshment apartment, and amongst 
 
 them
 
 114 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 them the illustrious bridegroom. The bride looked 
 cooler than he. We shall suppose that the ices and 
 wines are uow distributing, and leave the party until 
 the next Chapter.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 115 
 
 ^^^**^.^^»^*-r****»^.t*^-^r^^-**^^***-*^^*.t-^-r***^**^-*f^^*^****^^^^*^**^^ 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 >V HiLST refreshments, in the fist style of elegance, 
 were serving out upon plate and china, many a love- 
 tale was told — many a pretty thing was sighed and 
 said. Sir Herbert fortified his post so, however, that 
 all approach was rendered impossible. 
 
 Many of the company unmasked for a time ; 
 and many a jest was made respecting the characters 
 present. The party in the refreshmeut saloon had 
 the most fantastical appearance ; there beino; all 
 fancies and all countries. It was generally remarked, 
 that the elderly characters were very fond of assuming 
 youthful habits ; and that, under very high patron- 
 age, quite novel characters had come into fashion, 
 namely dowager Venuses and Patagonian Cupids. 
 
 An
 
 116 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 An Anacreon of seventy arrived there from 
 the north, whose gallant son has nearly *' half a 
 century past," and whose son, now in the Navy, 
 bears the family name, although an enfant du coeur. 
 ** Alas ! thai noble Marquess his son," said a most 
 interesting figure of a Highland girl, " all loyal, 
 brave and true as he is, has yet one blot in his es- 
 cutcheon: desertion is a great military crime, yet has 
 he been guilty of it. The rose shall bloom no more 
 in maiden blush on poor Highland Mary's cheek !" (so 
 we will call her for concealment's sake) " no more 
 shall her smile awaken the tender passion ! that broken 
 and bruised heart must pine in secret, whilst the 
 venerable old clergyman hangs his luead, and hides 
 what he suffers on this account." 
 
 Talking of deserters, we shall htve to mention 
 another hero, who stands thus accused ; but, for the 
 present, let us detail the jokes of the refreshment 
 
 room.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 117 
 
 room, as picked up by the mute beauty, who, for 
 this quality alone, deserves some praise. Seated by 
 the Baronet, and flanked by the Baron Vanderpuff, she 
 heard the following on dits from different masks. 
 
 It is said that the Duke of C — — is about to 
 publish a collectiou of love letters, of acrostics and 
 valentines, suited to the meanest capacity, and to all 
 ages and circumstances — amdtoi*y proposals, or offers 
 of marriage, for maid, \vife or widow, princess or 
 private gentlewoman. This curious collection is not 
 original, but a mere compilation, from far and near, 
 of the effusions of the most noble, nay even of some 
 royal authors ancient and modern. The spelling is 
 very faulty in some of them; but they are well put 
 together, and must have cost the illustrious author a 
 great deal of labour in his extensive travels from the 
 Jordan to the German Ocean. Some of them are from 
 York, from Gloucester Place, from High Wykeham, 
 
 from
 
 118 TUE METROPOLIS. 
 
 froni Keith, and from other places in Scotland and 
 England. Whether the title is to be Solomon's guide 
 to happiness, or the way to get married, or a new way 
 to pay old debts, is not generally known. It is rather 
 supposed that the amatory epistles of the Duke of 
 Marlborough to Fanny Davis, will be preferred. 
 
 " It is said," observed a mask dressed as a 
 
 senator, '* that Mr. St s B ne, the better to 
 
 preserve the disguise always convenient at a mas- 
 qnerade^ where the canvass turns upon character, 
 and where a scrutiny throws so many out, had ap- 
 peared in the Speaker's robes and wig, as he could 
 never be expected to be found in them." ** Upon the 
 same principles, the costume of Cicero would be a 
 good disguise for IMr. V — ns — t," replied another, 
 ** who now more generally represents Somnus, when 
 wishing to be eloquent." ** It is said, that Lord 
 Redcastle appeared," said a third, '' as the masque
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 119 
 
 *i*-**4^^*^-»*^* < 
 
 de fer f but it was observed that '* a brazen mask 
 would better suit his front than an iron one/' The 
 hitter, however, might apply to the heart, and thus 
 his Lordship would be armed at all points to repel 
 the shafts of his numerous enemies. How he came 
 by them, he best knows ; nor could he support so 
 many attacks had not his mother (hke that of Achilles) 
 dipped him in the Shannon, and rendered him invul- 
 nerable and inaccessible ; at the same time casting a 
 fine bronze over the modest blushes of his native 
 land, and a composure of feature which might be of 
 brass, iron, or any-other metal. *' It is said," con- 
 tinued he, " that the statue of Democritus lias been 
 
 sent to Lord L near Wimbledon, as a reward 
 
 for the gravity of his deportment in his ministerial 
 capacity, and as a model for the servants of the 
 crown." The smiles of a prince or of a minister 
 should never be given but for value received. 
 
 Here
 
 120 THE afETROPOLIS. 
 
 Here an alarm of a rat threw the ladies into 
 confusion, and put an end to the on dits. Something 
 was said about the animal having gat off safe, and 
 hidden itself under the Treasury benches. Sir George 
 
 W , a turned coat, a ward of chancery, and a 
 
 wig turned inside out, were spoken of; but not suf- 
 ficiently to make head or tail of. These artfcles took 
 the directions of the Ordnance and of the Admiralty 
 Offices. 
 
 The dancing-room now filled again, and the 
 
 unconcerned Lord S r C 1 was one of the 
 
 gayest of the gay, in the character of Phaeton. This, 
 after bis fall, Mas appropriate enough ; but that rash 
 youtii, in his break-neck career, had no companion ; 
 — he had no one to ruin but himself; whilst the no- 
 bleman in question ought to have a more bitter re- 
 flection at heart, and it would be as amiable and 
 just as decent were he to absent himself from public
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 121 
 
 meetings for a while, since the premature fate of a 
 female finds interest in other breasts, although his 
 may be shut to sensibility. 
 
 Whilst the refreshment-room was clearing, a 
 dowager Venus — a Grace by name and by nature, 
 and formerly a Vice Queen, attacked the noble Mar- 
 quess of Mount St. Jean, and accused him of former 
 desertion. She brouglit the charge very formally 
 home to him, and reproached him with a want of 
 taste in his present choice. But his Lordship has got 
 hardened in his campaigns ; and it is not the first 
 time that he has smoked his pipe to the accompani- 
 ment of female tears. He therefore got clear of the 
 enraged duchess, humming the French air " C'est un 
 err^ur de la nature." ** Let me tell your fortune,'* 
 cried at this moment a female gipsy who had be- 
 witched more than one in her time. ** My fortune is 
 long siuce told," cried the indignant noble, tired of 
 
 reproach ;
 
 12-2 THE METROPOLIS, 
 
 ' *^*^*v*"<«**^v*^^s* *•> 
 
 reproach : " my fortune is the fortune of war, and so 
 fare ye well." 
 
 She passed on to a youth habited as Frcedof». 
 Strange to tell, how folks mistake their character t 
 and how we all fain would he what we are not. ** I 
 know you," said the little Zingarella. *' Mr. Liberty, 
 you are welcome from the traniels of a prison, and 
 from throwing over." ** Speak gently, you little 
 gipsy," said the young man, crossing her hand 
 with a piece of money, whe she rejected. " 1 know 
 you, Mr. W — b — 1, of his Majesty's Life Guards. 
 Have you not jockey'd them, my noble lieutenant ? 
 completely thrown them over 1 distanced the horse- 
 dealer, and silenced the Bench ?" The young man 
 strove to get rid of her : but she still pursued and 
 pestered him. ** Shall I sing you a song T* continued 
 she-: 
 
 How
 
 THE METROPOLIS. l2S 
 
 " How happy's the soldier who lives on his pay, 
 *' And spends his five pounds from sev'a shillings 
 per day." 
 " I say W. how's R. the deakr, and how did you 
 contrive to pay two hundred per annum house-rent 
 out of cornet's pay? Bui it's all over now ; you are 
 as white as white-washing can make you, and doubt- 
 less you will take the field again as fresh as ever," 
 Here he slipped off, assuring her that she was mis- 
 taken ; but she put him in mind of too many of his 
 tricks for this to be the case. 
 
 '* Upon my modesty," said she to Mr. W. P. 
 ^nd, between you and I, that's swearing by nothing 
 at all, *' you look as long and as prosperous as if you 
 had not a difficulty in the world. You thrive at the 
 expense of matrimony, and grow fat upon debts and 
 incumbrances ; but your's is a thriving family — all 
 promising lads, as 'tis well known, on town. How goes 
 
 on
 
 124 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 on coursing in Essex Y' " Be quiet, my dear," said 
 the dashing commoner ; " there's metal more attrac- 
 tive ; go, and plague some one else ; and I'll be for 
 ever obliged to you ; there are two elderly gentlemen 
 from Kent and Cambridge, in two characters of the 
 Honey-moon. See how portly the former is ; there's 
 cut and come again for your wit. Tell their fortunes 
 in wedlock ; but be sure and do not name St. Law- 
 rence to the one, nor Mrs. S — to the other ; nothing 
 about foreign parts — about ill treating French priests 
 at St. John's — nor about a certain rock ; pass no en- 
 comiums on old attachments, and don't hint at cast- 
 off mistresses. Between you and I, that's a sore 
 subject to many of us." — ** You may say that," re- 
 plied the gypsy, and, at this moment, she was in the 
 midst of family concerns of this description. The 
 gypsy herself was Belinda, of whom more will be 
 said hereafter. 
 
 Just
 
 THE METROPOLIS. VlO 
 
 Just at this monieat one, in tbe character of 
 Benedict, passed her. " Having lost your own cha- 
 racter," cried the gipsy, " your Lordship has done 
 well to take up another. May you succeed better in 
 it than in stock- jobbing, in electioneering, in en- 
 gaging the bailiffs, and in haranguing the people. 
 Should you take a command amongst the Indepen- 
 dents in the south, remember that your lady may 
 insist upon the freedom of election. Come, I'll tell 
 you your fortune. Let loyalty be untinged with 
 hatred and revenge, and unsullied by mobocracy, 
 and you will never have jour banner kicked down 
 stairs again. Keep your temper, and you may keep 
 your bride. Beware of St. Stephen's Chapel, of the 
 Tower, of his Majesty's prisons of the Fleet and of 
 the King's Bench. Keep clear of Cape Horn in your 
 present cruise, and afterwards of Bethlem, and you 
 wil^ then not have your principles and intellects 
 suspected, and will come to as safe, and just as 
 Vol, I. G useful
 
 126 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 useful an old age as the Earl of D >oiir fathcj:. 
 
 Violence of mind or of body often terminate fatally, 
 and suit not the holy and honorable estate of matri- 
 mony, into which you have so lately entered, and 
 which appears to be so highly the mode amongst el- 
 derly gentlemen." TKe mask of Benedict retired in 
 a fury. 
 
 The hour of supper now arrived. Sir Herbert 
 wished to escape early : but her ladyship insisted 
 upon seeing the whole entertainment. Very vainly, 
 her husband attempted to oppose her, upon which 
 occasion he had a number of very pleasant things 
 said to him. There is a conjugal dictionary of fa- 
 miliar phrases very generally in use with iivaiTied 
 pairs, the whole of which Lady Hardenbcrg had at 
 her tongue's end, and we are not quite sure but she 
 might have them at her fingers' elide also. "'Was 
 he (the Baronet) going to make himself «s disagree- 
 
 able
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 127 
 
 able as he did the other night ? People should stay 
 at home, who could neither be happy nor let others 
 be so ! What a pity it was that some men should 
 ever marry at all! Some folks were only useful as 
 household fixtures, and ought not to quit their fire- 
 sides to torment every one about them ! She had not 
 half as much pleasure as any other person's v.ife," 
 
 Such were a few of the family dictionary (quo- 
 tations on this occasion. The last pljxase was a 
 closer to Sir Herbert. He shrugged up'his slK>ulders, 
 and exclaimed in a lowered tone of voice, *' Madajne, 
 just as you please ; we have two more masquerades 
 to attend, and, then, laying much stress on tJje word, 
 1 hope that you will be satisllcd ; I am tired of this 
 dissipation already." *' Fiddle de dee,'' answered 
 her ladyship; "come make yourself agreeable for 
 once!" (very encouraging) *' and let us get a good 
 seat at supper." The crowd was great, yet all sat 
 G 2 down
 
 I'SS THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r******- 
 
 down iu perfect order; illustrious characters unbent; 
 
 and prudes threw off the mask ; for 
 " Rigor now was gone to bed, 
 ** And advice with scrup'lous head." 
 
 So that the gaiety of the scene was doubled. Lively 
 
 bands of music struck up; and the whole was one 
 
 scene of magic and of attraction. 
 
 Amongst the company, clad like a herald, the 
 Earl of K. was singled out by an Irish bay-maker, 
 and thus addressed. *' Faith, then! and it's enough 
 to put all the pomp of heraldry out of fashion to se^ 
 such a King at Arras ! The lion too ! more like ge- 
 neral Jack oo a great deal I That is masquerading it 
 with a vengeance? Pray did you escape from Pid- 
 cock's, or from St. Bartholomew fair?" The peer 
 avoided him. *' Oh ! I know you, by the expression 
 on your sweet face, in spite of your teeth — that is of 
 the want of your teeth! What a fine oi)ening for a 
 
 female
 
 THB METROPOLIS. 199 
 
 female angler for a title ! Miss E 1 was very near 
 
 jumping down your throat when in Edinburgh ; aad 
 your head rails would have been no impediment to 
 her." '• Where got yeu that ragged coat, Pat 1" en- 
 quired my lord, good humouredly. " It's a cast-olJ* 
 
 of Mr. W d's,'' replied Pat: *' one good turn, 
 
 you know, deserves another." 
 
 But here comes a camphorated mixture. ** Pray 
 Mrs. Chastity, how have you been tiiese many years ? 
 What mask do you now wear? Oh! I see it is .a 
 half mask, id est, all for love and a little for the 
 bottle. I remember that nun's habit. Your mama 
 wore that a long time, when she captivated Lord 
 L. D. who wa5 in such a hurry to express his passion, 
 that he forgot to get married to her. From a man of 
 such extensive gallantry, a great deal might be ex- 
 pected in the way of breeding, and his daughter has 
 fully justified public expectation on that score. Your 
 G 3 papa
 
 130 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 j>npa too was a member of the h fire club ; no 
 
 wonder therefore that 
 
 ' Black spirits and white, 
 
 * Blue spirits and grey/ 
 nay even camphorated spirits, should have charms for 
 
 you! Poor Mr. L was a bold man to chuse the 
 
 daughter cf a gazetted rake and of a lady, the soi- 
 
 disant Mrs. B y, who possessed so much tender 
 
 facility. But w hat new invention in the way of a pre- 
 servative or of a preventative may we expect from 
 yocar bright conceptions ? Do you make the surgeon 
 bked Jobs the footman, by way of seeing the effect 
 which it produces, previous to undergoing the opera- 
 tion^ yourself; a:]d why did the dark Doctor emi- 
 grate from South Street? There is no love without 
 »riyslery." 
 
 •* Fie \" said Lord Rosemary, who just came 
 up, and thought himself unknown : ** we have found 
 
 you
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 131 
 
 vou out. You are broad grins begotten by bad puns, 
 the effervescence of vapid wit and stale jokes, iieated 
 by royal favor. You are the fumes and vapour of 
 the stage, bottled up for a masquerade, and only fit 
 to be tasted after supper, ^^hen " the wh is out and 
 the wiue is in." " You may say that," replied the 
 h^y-maker; *' you are a half Irishman, half poet, 
 ivolf actor, half gentleman." *' Then I beat you by 
 li>alf,'' replied Pat undismayed; "but your lordship 
 labours under a big mistake." (It was not George 
 Coleman the younger, as expected, but a naval 
 officer from Ireland, name unknown, and never dis- 
 covered through the night, which enabled him to cut 
 up at pleasure.) 
 
 " But pray who made a buck of you, my Lor d 
 
 for we know you. I should have thought that you 
 
 might have kept quiet, and have worn the willow 
 
 without interfering with other folks. Look at this?" 
 
 G 4 (shewing
 
 132 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 (shewing his pitchfork) " what is that the sign oi'V* 
 " Of an Irish bog-trotter," rejoined the Peer. " Yes, 
 and he can make hay whilst the sun shines ; although 
 this implement puts some folks in mind of the moons 
 increase. If I am an Irish bog-trotter, that's my cha- 
 racter. Now your's is a dull Doniinus in Domino, — 
 a bit of a Lord and a bit of a Cuckoo, as bad a breed 
 as any in the universe, a sweet rosemary sprig of 
 quality, who ought to rue the the very name of 
 Hymen," 
 
 " But I say, what blade set you upon me ; and 
 has thus sharpened the edge of yoiir wit? By my 
 faitli, you are like an old knife, the blade of which is 
 useless, and which has nothing but the horn handle to 
 recommend it. However mild may be your Lordship's 
 character, your bed of roses was soon turned into a 
 pillow of thorns ; your efforts to please have been 
 crowned in a very different manner to what you might 
 
 ha\e
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 133 
 
 have hoped. You ought to have taken a lesson of your J 
 
 I 
 father. No man preserved his game more strictly; 
 
 but then your Lordship's was a different game; and it ' 
 may be an useful lesson to yourself and to others ^vho 
 play the love-game at piquet, to beware, like your 
 Lordship, of being caputed. Now fare tliee well; 
 for here comes a walking Court Kalendar, an Alma- 
 nack of intrigue, an ill-bound Love Gazette, a little i 
 out of date, I allow ; but never out of good inclina- 
 tion. Here's one of the most liberal women in. | 
 
 1 
 Europe." ^ 
 
 I 
 ** Lady Fl g, your very humble sarvant. 
 
 Do you want a man of all work? — an Irish cham- I 
 
 i 
 pion to fight your battles? If any one says a j 
 
 word against your reputation, here's your standard \ 
 
 bearer" (marching before her with his hay fork) — I 
 
 " Here are the family arms, or rather the family i 
 
 crest. Your Ladyship has changed your name, and ! 
 
 G 5 any
 
 134 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 .^^^.^^^■f^^^.4 
 
 any change was for the better: but you have not 
 changed your disposition. What a tinder heart you 
 must have had, to have been so beset with sparks, 
 and yet to be wholly- unconsumed. Do you remember 
 
 Mr. Sp amongst your flames? and the foreign 
 
 Count? and the Tripot abroad. But, here, great 
 queen of hearts, whose hearts were always trumps, 
 very winning cards indeed, — here comes an Amateur 
 — one who deals in antiquities !" 
 
 " Look on that statue, my lord. There is no 
 cold composition — nothing which can quite forget 
 herself to stone ! a little touch of the bronze, but 
 of mighty proportions. Worthy Lord, your bridge is 
 n#t the bridge of Lodi, nor does it stand like the Pont 
 Neuf ; but its cartilagenous misfortune, its nasal note 
 and great flexibility — emblem of your mind and heart, 
 discover you under that splendid Greek costume, and 
 the deservedly assumed mask of science which be- 
 comes
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 135 
 
 comes you. Yes, thon noble man of marbles ! thou 
 hast deserved well of the state, although thy better 
 half did mot assure you of her adhesion after the love 
 campaigns, and all her conquests in your absence. 
 Statues and busts suited not her taste ; and it was a 
 pity that you could not have brought home with you 
 aught to fix her fancy." 
 
 ** But look you, I say, on that fine ruin — does 
 it not remind you" (pointing to Lady F.) *' of the 
 broken temple of Venus ! What vows have been paid 
 at that unhallowed shri».e ! What offerings at that 
 altar!" Lady F. passed on. *' And you, my good lord, 
 have had your share of amorous adventure. Well do 
 you know the pour and the centre of marriage. 
 Determined to adopt the motto of Sine me nulla Venus^ 
 you have had your share of that capricious divinity 
 in all cHmates and in all forms. The devotions which 
 you paid to her were a prominent feature of your 
 
 character.
 
 136 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ►*vr*^r*^#tr 
 
 character, although, at present, the once prominent 
 feature of that countenance which you shewed to the 
 fair, stands prostrate,'' (to use my eloquent country- 
 man, that able statesman 's words). " Tl>e 
 
 mask, you must find most useful on that account ; but 
 the Knights of the crescent are so well known to me, 
 that all disguise is useless. Co; and let the air of 
 Perth brace up your sinews ; you will even theie find 
 emblems of Venus cast in nature's mould superior to 
 your first favorite Mrs. M — ,. and more faithful than 
 your last lady." Now, shouldering his fork, and 
 shouting ** may your honor be exalted," he joined 
 in an Irish jig. 
 
 Xhe dancing proceeded again with much spirit. 
 Paddy's was a capital disguise. He wore the tattered 
 coat in question, a green waistcoat, thick brogues, 
 and had hay-bands round his knees. When the jig 
 was ended, he looked on to sec the waltzing, and 
 
 prepared.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 137 
 
 prepared, in due form, to attack the dancers as soon 
 as, ceasing from tlieir niirlhfnl occupation, they 
 might be induced to promenade, and relax the close 
 concealment of the mask and the unabated disguise 
 of voice. — This is a particular to which characters 
 at a masquerade do not sufficiently attend. People 
 are so apt to speak to those on whose arms they 
 lean, in a low, but natural voice, or to forget at sup- 
 per that many things are revealed which might, other- 
 wise, be concealed. 
 
 Lady Philogaul now presented herself. Pat 
 made up to her; and, making a leg, inquired if a 
 native labouring man might get a bit of bread in her 
 service, or whether her extreme love for foreigners 
 was such as to exclude her countrymen entirely from 
 her house. The foreign aide-de-camp, her husband, 
 seemed a little nettled, and disposed to take up the 
 business, but he was given to understand that this is 
 
 a land
 
 138 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 a land of freedom, that all kinds of pleasaotries are ] 
 
 permitted under the mask, and that, in his own coun- j 
 
 try, he would not have so much freedom of opinion | 
 
 I 
 
 allowed to himself, nor would he be viewed with the | 
 
 indulgence which was bestowed on him here. 
 
 The hay-maker then began: ** My Lady, for | 
 
 I 
 
 so I suppose they style you, although some call your i 
 
 husband ' un comte pour dire, and some, un comte ! 
 
 pour rire ;' that French peasant's dress in which you 
 
 have disguised yourself does not prevent you from " 
 
 being known : but believe me, that those foreign 
 
 habits do no lionor either to your taste or to your \ 
 
 heart. An English mercer is better than a count or j 
 
 countess of the manufacture of Buonaparte or of the 
 
 emperor of Hayti. The tyrant of to-day, may always j 
 
 expect to be the victim of to-morrow ; so that on one j 
 
 occasion we may behold the diadem and the star of I 
 
 the Legion, the crown and the order of St. Henry, . 
 
 gifts ;
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 139 
 
 gifts of a black or blackguard-king occupying the 
 throne, and on another advancing to the scaffold. 
 Away ! with your regicide nobility, with your revo- 
 lutionary generals, and with those aide-de-camps who, 
 defeated at Waterloo, and stained with the blood of 
 our countryoaen, present themselves in another way, 
 and enter into softer, safer, and more lucrative en- 
 gagements with British ladits. But if they are to be 
 scouted, what ought the unnatural and unpatriotic 
 female to be who thus makes election of the enemy 
 of her country]" — Lady Philogaul seemed confused, 
 and shifted her situation. 
 
 ** Talking of elections, here comes a Knight 
 of a different description. The lawyers have the order 
 of the golden fleece amongst them ; but that more 
 properly belongs to the Greeks ; as the Garttr does 
 to our royal family, the Cresceut and the Iron crown 
 
 to
 
 140 THE ME>TROPOLr«. 
 
 rA^y^,/v^4 
 
 to the married nobility of old England, and the Sham- 
 rock exclusively to old Ireland." 
 
 ** What about old Ireland ?'' said a figure in a 
 long robe, with a weather-cock on his head. " Why,'' 
 replied Pat, " it is a country where there is no var- 
 mint. The rats die there of the rot ; and (looking 
 at Sir J^mes M*" Weathercock) there are neither toads 
 nor toad-eaters. Can you say that for your country ? 
 Why, I remember you when you were as good a fel- 
 low as could be, you liked a little drop in the top of 
 you glass as well as any man, and would drink, cut 
 capers, and sit up with any student of the three 
 Kingdoms, when you were in the Caledonian capital ; 
 but the charm of gold and the passing of the line 
 have great cfl'ects upon the constitution. You thought 
 a great deal of the revolutionary French constitution 
 once. Do you remember any thing about kissing 
 
 Burke's
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 141 
 
 Burke's scraper when you were tipsy ? Hey, Sir Jemmy, 
 ken ye Doctor P— Jemmy ? and wat ye what he once 
 said to you anent divinity and law, Ireland and Scot- 
 land, rebellion and apostacy ? Great wits hare short 
 memories ; and so they ought ; else their sudden 
 changes wonld be more blamed than they are. You 
 once tried the profession of physic ; but it did not agree 
 with you at all. You never put any scruples of con- 
 science into your prescriptions Doctor, did you? An 
 author was your next trade; but you took tiie wrong 
 side in politics, and, like your countryman detected in 
 robbing the orchard and in getting over the wall, you 
 were just gawin bock again, when questioned by the 
 other party. Oh ! Sir Jemmy, Sir Jemmy ! you are 
 greatly below par now ; although his lesson seems to 
 have had its effect. But 1 see that the wind has 
 changed, and that your ensign is going back again." 
 Here Sir James won over the Hibernian by a bribe of 
 gentlemanly good humour, of which he is so ca- 
 pable.
 
 142 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ^^*^.»^.*^ -»^*-r**^^***^*^:».f.r^f~t^.»^t 
 
 pable. They coalessed, and set oft' together to play 
 
 upon others. A female now addressed Sir Herbert i 
 
 and the Baron Vanderpuff in French, and afterwards i 
 
 in German. The latter recognized the M — of A — p, i 
 
 i 
 
 a German princess by alliance. She was dressed as ! 
 
 Night, and made some witty sallies ; but the Baron i 
 
 soon beat her out of the field. " All hail, antiquated 
 
 princess," said he ! "I'hy yellow flag muy hangout I 
 
 long enough in vain for love recruits. How many 
 
 j 
 
 years ago I have seen you in scenic representation* j 
 
 have read your poetry, have admired your variety, 
 
 but, above all, have wondered at your extensive iiv- 
 
 trigues ! And now a widow again and in the winter of ] 
 
 life, you reverse the amorous scene, you show the i 
 
 most complete give and take that ever was known in j 
 
 I 
 
 the annuls of gallantry. Long is your list of gallants. 1 
 
 Are Count T. Lord , &c. forgotten? or does the ! 
 
 vapid, superannuated Mr. Sk n nut only amuse \ 
 
 you with his slip shod lays, with his hobbling muse, but , 
 
 also
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 143 
 
 also act in a diplomatic manner to yoar Highness ^ Is 
 this envoy extraordinary your recruiting officer for 
 the Paphian campaign ? your treasury must suffer if 
 it be so, for there is no conscription in love affairs." 
 Here he repeated some of the amatory lines, and 
 called to remembrance many scenes of vanished en 
 joy men t. This far-dvanced Night now withdrew^ 
 extricating hei-self the best way she could by assuring 
 him thit there was more darkness in his brain than in 
 her character. " Cela vous plait k dire,'' replied he, 
 and they parted mutually dissatisfied with each other. 
 
 Next came Sir Cambry ap Shenkin, another 
 dull domino. He and his brother waddled side by 
 side, like Castor and Pollux in attachment; but not 
 in brightness. There was not a sufficient dividend 
 of wit to enable the one to twinkle even in any 
 hemisphere, whilst the other slept in darkness ; but 
 whether they were together or separate, single or 
 
 united'
 
 144 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 united, tlieir union of rays produced nothing but ob- 
 nubilation. *' It is a strange thing," said the Cice- 
 roni, *' that with the fortune and power of the family, 
 w ith the vast command over men, mountains and goats, 
 that those brother geniuses can scarcely comuiand a 
 voice in the house ; antl that the one who has almost 
 lost his voice should have the most pleasing dtlivert ; 
 whilst the most audible should be the most offensive 
 orator. Not that they say much ; but they have 
 utterefl enough to have acquired the nick names of 
 bubble and squeak — no bad family concern. The 
 Baronet is a cut and come again customer at the 
 card table. 
 
 " But Sir Carabry," said he to the Baronet, 
 " why do you not get the red ribband for the feats of 
 your regiment in Ireland? you might wear your 
 blushing honors thick upon you then. Taffy is well 
 remembered there, and her Ladyship, your new wife, 
 
 would
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 145 
 
 would like to see you decorated as well as another, 
 unless you leave the order to her choice, the deco- 
 ration to her own hands. The eagle would be a flight 
 abov€ you ; the saint Esprit, contrary to your re^ 
 ligion ; St. Patrick, hostile to your military career ; 
 and the Garter above your reach. The lily might 
 suit your purity ; but the Elephant would best suit 
 your appearance." *' Bubble, bubble, bubble," cried 
 the Baronet. '* Squeak, squeak, squeak," responded 
 the brother : but all is faur under the mask ; and thus 
 ended the attack, 
 
 A couple of flower girls now began their 
 work of torture. " A courtier ! by ail that is ridi- 
 culous," cried the one. '* Aye, and an old one," 
 echoed the other ; getting hold of Lord Lowtown's 
 arm. *' How many have you presented in the Draw- 
 ing Room in your tinicl how many years have you 
 been the hack minuet-dancer at court, and been mis- 
 taken
 
 146 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 taken every where for a dancing-master with his kit in 
 his pocket^ And I say/' pulling him t'other way, 
 *« do you still play so low in the auld toon of Embry ? 
 Does your Lordship kneel at the feet of down stairs 
 Cinderella, and rival Crispin in your attitudes and in 
 the humility of your posture ! Does the haut gout of 
 low-lived beauty still attract you to the level of a very 
 common Understanding? Have golden tresses, worsted 
 stocXings and web feet, the real Newfoundland-breed, 
 their usual attractions, in contradistinction to the 
 courtly dames of whom you have so long been tired, 
 and who have so long been tired of you?" " Let me 
 alone," replied his Lordship very sensibly ; ** I'll say 
 or do any thing you please, provided you do not 
 expose me.'* A truce was concluded ; and we will, 
 gentle reader, call a halt and breathe ; leaving Lord 
 Lowtown ** aux pleds des Belles ' until the next 
 Chapter.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 147 
 
 ' ■f^*^'^^^^^^4 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 The Irish hny-maker and the Scotch politician 
 having now formed a coal'.tion, returned to the room 
 in new costume's. The Hibernian had made hay whilst 
 the sun shone. He was, Bacchi plenus, but not less 
 full of wii; and the crafty Scot had changed his 
 
 character. Like Lady F 's name and Mr, W. W. 
 
 W — — 's voice, any change must have been for the 
 better. The one, nov, was a freeman, and the other 
 a Parliamentary Candidate. The elector had a carte 
 hlancht in his hat, and a white cockade (no allusion 
 either to Pope, tc Pretender or to Bourbon, th'^ people's 
 fancy, but to Candidates in general); their colours 
 ought to be v/liite — bc-case, as Pat says, white is no 
 colour at all. The Candidate had a patch upon his 
 eye, in order to show that he was a pupil of reform, 
 
 that
 
 148 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 that he felt the liberty of the subject, that he kept 
 bis eye upon the wheels of government, and that he 
 could open and shut it as occasion required. A third 
 joined them in female attire, and the triumvirate (for 
 it was another politician in disguise) struck up in a 
 more perfect union than ever Lord Castle-cat could 
 effect. Betty Martin was so great an acquisition of 
 strength that they now hit right and left, and attacked 
 every mask with three to one in their favor. 
 
 *•' My noble Lord Porttumbledown," said he 
 who represented Betty Martin, " you've been abroad 
 for instruction; but that's all my eye. Joey the 
 singer, and an ex-life guardsman have sung to you to 
 the tune of Six Thousand Pounds, and it's all my eye. 
 A fine regiment yours ! but that's all, Sec. You're 
 fond of discipline too! but that's all, Sec. A great 
 martinet ! beloved at Canterbury ! as true as a Canter- 
 bury tale! and a good hand at a tale yourself! Your 
 
 men
 
 TlIE METROPOLIS. 14^ 
 
 men would be satisfied with the worst that you could 
 give ; but nine tails at a time is out of conscienee, 
 noble Peer !" 
 
 ** Was you ever kept ?" cried the hay-maker, 
 BOW iu the character of an elector. '* What of thatl" 
 enquired the peer. ** Oh 1 that's all my eye. Do you 
 know the old proverb, if the hill won't come to the 
 mountain, the mountain must go the hill ? and by the 
 -virtue of your oath, pardon me : a Peer's word of 
 honor is enough, and his word is as good as his bond. 
 Did you get a rise in any way from that liill? Its 
 elevation is to be observed in a certain situation, 
 where protuberances are not expected; and you'll 
 allow, great commander, that had niauy ofyour dra- 
 goons carried s^ich a bill of indenuiity, such a budget 
 of security behind them, the striking efi'ects ofyour 
 "oodness would have been less felt; but vour female 
 friend, Madame du Mont, is all heart for you ; she 
 VoLo I. H carries
 
 150 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 carries it in all directions for \ou, even embosoinecl 
 on her back, as Paddy niiglit say. Would that you 
 had more of it." 
 
 *' Now since over-backing your friends and 
 over-flogging your men, whereby your want of heart 
 and of the bowels of compassion are apparent, allow 
 us, under the mask, to give you a trifling lashing" 
 (here they all joined), " which may teach you your 
 duty better: we will not use our lash to excess, nor 
 quite let the cat out of the bag respecting all your 
 transactions; but only recommend to you a few 
 virtues — prudence, secrecy, mercy, moderation, less 
 pride and more need of it. What are here said and 
 done won*t hurt your feeling ; it is absent with leave ; 
 nor will it make you less bright in the cabinet, nor 
 less brave in the field." 
 
 ** Success ip the Curragh !" cries Pat, on be- 
 holding
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 151 
 
 iiolding Mrs. B ia a brown fancy dress. ''- Sue- 
 cess to horse-racing, cock-fighting, private matches, 
 and to every species of sporting : the county Galway 
 to wit! Pray, my pretty country-woman, who's the 
 favorite now ? And to be sure, it is'nt yourself, that 
 is as dov.'U as any of them ! The brown mare the 
 better horse ! If it was not for women of spirit like 
 you, the columns of a newspaper would have nothing 
 but wants a place in them, from the camJidate for 
 a place and pension, down to Dolly the mop-trundler 
 and those who want to accommodate a single lady 
 or a single gentleman upon easy and moderate terms* 
 But whilst v/e have female sportswomen like you, we 
 shall never want law cases to amuse the ladies at 
 breakfast-time. It is to be hoped, however, for llje 
 sake of husbands in general, that a little less free- 
 \lom of speech will be used by such as wish to keep 
 their wives." (She joins the dance.) " Off she goes 
 to the tune of the honey-moon ; hands across and 
 H 2 ba<*k
 
 i5'2 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 t:»~f-»^*~r.f^f^r^f^^^^»^.^*.r^r^»^^-»-*^»^.»^-r*.f-r***-r^^**-f^*»*wr»9 
 
 back again ; down the middle and up again ; set to 
 ^our partner ; back to back ; change partners ; and 
 lead off again." 
 
 "o* 
 
 The next to be tormented was Lord Cruiser. 
 
 This Lord C. is the son of the M. of A , of whom 
 
 we have lately heard, and whose extensive gallantry 
 has already been mentioned. His costume was tha-t 
 of a British tar ; but he was soon recognized by the 
 crafty Scot, who thus addressed him. ** Avast, my 
 good lord, and speak to an old acquaintance. We 
 know you by the cut of your jib, although you have 
 taken so much pains to conceal yourself by that rum 
 looking mask of yours. Whither bound, my llight 
 Honorable friend ? Did you put on that jacket out 
 of respect to old England, or for stage effect ? for 
 wc know your taste for thcatricah which you have 
 -evinced in the choice of a wife. Your lady mother 
 loo was fond of scenic representation ; but as to 
 
 change
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 153 
 
 r^>wrv^«^.^^^^>^>^^^v^.ys^^4 
 
 change cf character, that's anotiier part of speech. 
 Change of scene and of actor pleased her mightily : 
 hut as to character, it was always the same, although 
 any change might have been for the better. Far be 
 it from us, however, to visit on the children — vous 
 m'entendei. To do you justice, we must say that 
 you have been, through life, as gallant as your lady 
 mother has been gallant : the change of emphasis is 
 a trifle ; but the import of the word far different 
 indeed 1" 
 
 Turning from Lord C. and taking a domino- 
 by the arm, Betty Martin thus began : '• A Dandv ! 
 by all that's exquisitely conceited. We know \ou. 
 Lord Lavender. Pray do you want a young woman 
 
 out of place? and how is brother B 1 over the 
 
 water? when went you over to inspect his feathep- 
 
 bed neckcloth and pillory capes 1 to see if you tied 
 
 your neckcloth according to his cut, and if you were 
 
 H 3 in
 
 154 THE METROPOLIi?. 
 
 in all shapes equal to your prototype 1 How dull 
 
 you must be without brother B 1, the king of 
 
 your confraternity, — he who taught you to wear stays 
 aad to put your n^pck iu the stocks, — who found out, 
 after many years spent in learning to bolster up his 
 iieck, that, after all, " Starch is the man !" 
 
 ** Your useful counsellor in all matters of taste* 
 Pray do you bolster up his credit, or is Monsieur 
 Quillac a man of faith 7 Doss the prince smile on 
 you yet? or do you pass all your evenings with the 
 dowager lady, Lisle Street, and her moral and 
 amiable circle, with Lord Cripplegate and all the 
 worthies of his cast V* 
 
 *' I remember your father,*' said Sir Jemmy, a 
 little peppcrish or so : *' he toiled to little purpose 
 to get a new fangled peerage into his family ; little 
 could he foresee his sou's celebrity as a Dandy, 
 
 and
 
 THE METROFOLIS^ 155 
 
 aud as a corner-stone of the Cyprian esta^jlishment 
 near Leicester Square. However, of one thing I 
 wish your Lordship joy, 'tis the best thing about 
 you, namely your privilege. What would n.ot your 
 
 Dandy brother, B 1, give for it? It sits most 
 
 bccoruingly on you, and renders emigration unneces- 
 sary. But really, joking apart, you should keep 
 better company. You are a nobleman not without 
 talent; and it grieves us all to hear you named 
 amongst Greeks and debauches, — to see you mis-^ 
 spend your time with legs and frail sisters, with 
 fellows who are the town-talk for nothing but gamb- 
 ling, rioting, street rows, and for feats in the King's 
 Bench. Keep better company, my Lord ; 'tis a sa- 
 lutary advice ; for we have a regard for you." '* Yfes," 
 replied the peer good naturedly, " that's all my eye!" 
 " Where got you that shoe-Wack's ticket?" said an 
 Irish watchman to Sir Jemmy. *' Where you got 
 your popularity and your brogue," replied he : *• tliat 
 H 4 is
 
 \ 
 
 • 1 
 
 l.)() THE METROPOLIS. ; 
 
 is to say, amongst the blackguards. It is in vain ■ 
 
 for Lord Mulciber to hide his cloven foot ; we know ! 
 
 him. But pray, my Lord, don't you think that a 1 
 
 black patch on the eye is a becoming thing? 'tis i 
 
 better than one on the reputation. Some are black ■ 
 
 a<id all black, witness your right honorable family, 
 and the list of your noble acquaintance, your minia- * < 
 ture companion, your subscription- poet, blackguard i 
 
 B e A e, your geiitleraon millers and pro- ; 
 
 fessional acquaintances, your Venus of Crawford j 
 
 Street, to whom you act as V^ilcan, your duet singer ] 
 
 and brandy-faced N , the merry circle in the 
 
 family parlour, the fair listeners to your Lordship's 
 iuiitations, and the Greeks with whom you mis-spend 
 
 your time, those who call you old B , the friend 
 
 of the frail ones, the A. B's. and B. A's. as well as 
 the X. Y's. of your select society. We know how 
 you pass your noctes atticae, and how yseful a mem- 
 ber of society you are. Yom* morning calls and yoar 
 
 love
 
 THE METROPOLIS. lo?' 
 
 love embassies, executed by the little Mercury who 
 attends you in your shabby gig, are all known to us. 
 Do take a leaf out of Sir John Falstaff's book, and 
 reform. Live decently, my Lord, for you are getting 
 very like honest Jack in size and in appearance. You 
 may yet be reserved for the scene of the buck-basket 
 in your old age. Fie on it ! reform, man." 
 
 Nothing abashed with all this exposure, Lord 
 Mulciber opened upon them in the truest style of 
 slang, in which a Mr. B. C. an Honorable, joined. 
 So well they played their part, that you might have 
 taken them for guardians of the night, accustomed to 
 the lowest scenes of depravity. They were perfectly 
 versed in the slang of the streets, and in all the 
 blackguard wit of the lowest of the low. It is said 
 that they pride themselves on these qualities; but 
 be that as it may, they beat the trio out of the field. 
 
 h5 Sir
 
 159 THE METROPOLIS^ 
 
 • ^.e^^-*.^^^*^f^»^-*^f>^*^^ 
 
 Sir Herbert now made the following reflec- 
 tions, which he delivered thus to the Baron Vander- 
 piiff : ** A masquerade is like an election ; let the 
 candidate wear what mask or use what disguise he 
 W.111, still is every part of his history known. Family 
 s-ecrets, personal defecfes, concealed intrigues, hid- 
 den faults, all pass out. He must endure unpleasant 
 truths ; for all is fair on these occasions. Freedom 
 of speech constitutes half the pleasure of the scene ; 
 and it really strikes me that a king or a minister may 
 learn a great deal at a masquerade, may get ac- 
 quainted with his people, and know more about the 
 town than he co>nld learn in a whole life at court* 
 There the rtalfcrer's mask prevents him from listening 
 to the voice of truth; there ambition and vanity are 
 concealed in splendid garments; there insincerity 
 smiles in every countenance, whilst adulation hangs 
 on every tongue. A masquerade may be made an 
 useful thing, and more particularly to one who can 
 
 listen
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 159 
 
 listen and can observe, one who is not blinded by his 
 pa&sions, nor too much interested in the scene him- 
 self. But let us hear what this harlequin has to say : 
 he seems to be a Rinny fellow, and well acquainted 
 with the town."
 
 ISO THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 The carriage is now at the door, with such post- 
 horses and drivers as I shall not see again until n^ 
 return. My brother also is in high spirits. Mama 
 looks cross. Bills multiply like flakes of snow, and 
 lengthen as she reads them. '* The milliner ! twice 
 what I thought. The dress-maker ! shocking, an 
 imposition, every thing over charged. The shoe- 
 maker ! exorbitant ! Did you (directed to me in a 
 dry tone of voice,) have twelve pair of silk shoes in 
 the last two months, besides the kid and morocco, 
 the boots, and the lot of French shoes?" •' Yes, my 
 dear mother, the balls you knoAv wear out so many." 
 " Oh! very well; I shall not have enough to take 
 me to Dover." " But I can accommodate you," said 
 
 my
 
 THE METROPOLIS. IW 
 
 my brother, *' and you won't want your letter of 
 credit until you arrive at Paris," 
 
 " The china-man !'' " Oh ! send him to the 
 steward." — " The man for chalking your Ladyship's 
 floors!" " Send him to the — oh! no; to the house- 
 keeper ; I have left money with her for him." — " Mr. 
 Gunter, the confectioner 1" " What, three hundred 
 pounds ! unconscionable !"' ** It will do when you 
 comes bax." "It must, Mr. Gunter; but stay, I 
 might as well pay it. I hope no one else will come. 
 Tliere ; good bye to ye all ; it is time that I should 
 be gone. Drive off and make the best of your way." 
 
 Such was our departure ; and I believe, if 
 my fashionable readers will recollect, such is the de- 
 parture of many an elegant for the Continent. The 
 calling in of bills is dreadful. Paying for a few 
 weeks or months in town is a serious thing. A Lon- 
 don
 
 I6£ THE METROPOLIS, 
 
 don spring is no joke; and well it is when we can 
 make our public departure like my mother. It might 
 be worse, gentle reader. A Sunday morning, or a 
 dark night has witnessed more than one titled emi- 
 grant's depart pour le Continent, 
 
 The plot thickens now, and I have as many 
 adventures to go through as a harlequin, ere I return 
 to dear London again ; for it is my first and my last 
 thought; with it I begin, and with it I shall end. 
 The journey to Dover and the packet-boat have no 
 interest. The former we performed as quickly as 
 four excellent horses, changed six times, could carry 
 us, aided by a very light travelling carriage ; for my 
 brother's people, his horses, and our heavy baggage 
 followed. The packet-boat had less variety, as we 
 hired it for ourselves exclusively, so that we saw no 
 choice of characters, save the little uncertainty and 
 unevcnness of the female mind ; and this we brought 
 
 with
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 163 1 
 
 with us, and were less aware of than any of our 
 acquaintance^ 
 
 We arrived at Quillac's. This house is worthy l 
 
 i 
 of visiting for ouce. It has great attractions for 
 
 travellers ; and arithmetic is well understood there. 
 The bills are k TAuglaise ; but the accommodation is 
 excellent. To be able to eat your partridge with a 
 good soupe au vermiceil, and a number of little ex- 
 pletives in cookery which are new to name as to taste, \ 
 to drink your Champagne, your strong cup of coffee, 
 and to go to the play (such as it is, but better than \ 
 the Argyle) all under one roof, without wetting your \ 
 
 feet, stepping into a carriage or crossing the street, 
 
 I 
 has its charms, the first of which is novelty ; but, ' 
 
 barring this, give rae old England. 
 
 i 
 
 Betwixt Calais and Paris there is nothing worth 
 talking #f. We passed or met all classes of our ^ 
 
 country- -
 
 164 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 country-people, from the court to the court-yar<l, 
 and from Countess to the counter-lady, the most 
 affected of the two; each running after foreign 
 fashions different ways ; the one to turn her cash out 
 of her pocket ; the other to turn her journey, the 
 fashions, and perchance her agremens, to her own. 
 account. 
 
 We are told by some author (I fofget his narac>- 
 nor is it worth remembering), that France is le Paradis 
 des Femmes. In what it resembles the garden of Eden, 
 I am at a loss to conceive, unless it be from the evil 
 spirit which may be there (although the good King 
 Louis XVIII. says that his people are in the best 
 possible disposition, dans le meilleur esprit du monde); 
 for I see less temptation to our sex than any where 
 that can be named. In nothing do the youth of 
 France transcend ours ; nor have they aught to render 
 them dangerous to an English woman. I shall here- 
 after describe these beaux.
 
 ,THE METROPOLIS. 165 
 
 Although it be true that a French woman enjoys 
 more liberty than an English woman, yet she certainly 
 is not liappier. It is not to throw oft" a number of 
 those becoming restraints of our sex, which consti- 
 tutes felicity — it is not to sit at table with the men 
 and to leave it together, to frequent a coffee-house or 
 some other place, which we consider as fit only for 
 the oiher sex ; to receive company at the toilette, or 
 in the boudoir; to have her audience hours and her 
 leve ; to assume male importance, and to converse 
 on subjects fitter for the stronger inteiiect of man — 
 it is not these which can deliglit a woman, made of 
 our native materials. Is luxury her delight? where 
 can she find its very head-quarters but in London? 
 Is she a savante ? Our London circles will produce all 
 that female literature can aspire to ; nor are balls and 
 concerts, private theatricals, conversaziones, routes 
 and fancy divertisements wanting here : they trans- 
 cend those of Paris in elegance and in expense. The 
 
 onlv
 
 1(5(5 THE MDTROPOLrSi 
 
 only dift'erence is, tliat the middling and lower classes 
 cannot enjoy them, because they are above their 
 sphere and above their purse ; and it is precisely thi* 
 which gives thera their highest lustre and their l)ip;h- 
 est price and enjoyment in the e\^s of people ot 
 fashion. 
 
 The fact is, that h Paradis des Femmes, is 
 gone by in France. It existed in the times of the 
 highest refinement, when the brightest polish be- 
 longed to la cour de Versailles, — when France was a 
 model for politeness, for gallantry, for dress, and, 
 alas ! for relaxation of morals ; for that enervation 
 arising from pleasure, from luxury, and from pros- 
 perity. The reigns of Louis XIV. and XV. and the 
 zenith of Maria Antoinette's glory, when she was 
 Dauphine, presented tliis picture. 
 
 But who can look for ease and for elegaucci 
 
 for
 
 THE 3IETR0P0LrS. 167 
 
 for gallantry and for refinement, for highly cultivated 
 education in the half-pay list of Buonaparte's disap- 
 pointed and disbanded cohorts, or even in the em- 
 plcyCs contre cour, be their rank of new fangled 
 noblesse, ©r military honours, what they may ! Sud- 
 denly raised to o frightful pinnacle of power, taken 
 from the middling and from the lower ranks of so- 
 ciety, bred in hardships, in the open air, or the 
 tented field, half educated, and grown matare or 
 grey in the service of the usurper, or perhaps misled 
 boys of decent parentage, or concealed nobles thrust 
 from the class of a minor school, by conscription, 
 into the army, first poisoned by democracy and 
 republicanism, next let out to the plunder of an 
 absolute monarch, and now exhibited as poor turn- 
 coats, or as something so amphibious and so equi- 
 vocal, that it wants a name ! 
 
 Nay is there any thing even to be imitated \ft 
 
 decrepit
 
 163 TUE METROPOLIS; 
 
 r.r*-» *»-^»'*^<*L*.»^^»^^^.»^.»~m 
 
 decrepit emigrants, half French, hulf English in 
 manners, broken in spirit, and o\it of fashion in ap- 
 pearance, who look more like monks and penitents, 
 than like the mingled character of the warrior and 
 the courtier, the hero and the gallant, which existed 
 in the days of chivalry, and which characterised the 
 chevalier Francois of ancient times ] 
 
 I could not help observing, at the Court of 
 the Thuilleries, the three distinct orders of beings l 
 — first the old, gouty and infirm, patient and mode- 
 rate men ; secondly, a handful of young and of elderly 
 ultras, who smiled in pity on the iirst class (at the 
 head of which however is h hon Rvi), who looked 
 disdain on the third class ; and thirdly, those who 
 were the lowest in birth, altiiough, five years ago, 
 the first in situation, namely the Buonapartean no- 
 bility, who must have been greatly surprized, a 
 few years back, to hear themselves called Dukes and 
 
 Princes,
 
 THE METROPOLFS. 160 
 
 Princes, wiiiLst many of their relations uere petty 
 shop-keepers and day-labourers. Judge then what 
 harmony can spring from such a court ! and where 
 the loves and the graces, fancy, fashion and pleasure 
 can perch amongst them ? The story of the lady's 
 earthly paradise must therefore fail to the ground, as 
 it exists not in a revolutionized state. Love and 
 politics, fashion and riots, the spirit of peace and the 
 spirit of discontent cannot dwell together. 
 
 These are good reasons for not being cap- 
 tivated by the French, for not losing my heart amongst 
 them ; but there is a better still. — 
 
 To be as concise as possible in my description 
 ef the peo})lc, the men appeared to me like quacks, 
 'm. good breeding. Their dress leant more to the stitF 
 and inelegant ; and their manners partook more of 
 self confidence and of parsimonious education lightly 
 
 shed
 
 170 THE METROPOLIS, 
 
 <*^.»^.^*.»^^**^-»^*^.»^.^^*^-»^:»^.*^*~^*^*^**-*.»-**4 
 
 shed over the surface, than any other natmu with , 
 
 which I ever was acquainted. They run as far from j 
 
 the Greek and Roman models as people of good i 
 
 taste, with us, lean towards tlicm in dress. I re- i 
 
 member a man, whom 1 nick-named Monsieur sure de \ 
 plaire, for he accosted you, or asked you to danc€ 
 
 with the irapertinetit expression of — " 1 am sure I j 
 must please .you." 
 
 The women, far superior to the other sex, how- ; 
 
 ever, had a kind of sweet, infantine, trifling and ' 
 
 iooking-down manner, blended with a good deal of | 
 
 art and observation, which in no wise pleased me» ! 
 Candor seemed to be, like the white banner, an old 
 fashion difficult to revive, and feebly assumed by 
 
 those who wore it. There is a wide difference | 
 
 betwixt the emigrant French woman, and her who i 
 has weathered out all the storms of her country. 
 
 The former is far superior to the latter ; and, I have j 
 
 every !
 
 THE METROPOi^IS. 1^1 
 
 €Vdry rejipson to think, that the women of quality^ 
 before the revolution, eclipsed them both. Educa- 
 tion, in our sex, is stinted as well as in the other ; 
 for one woman who has travelled whom you meet 
 with in Paris, who speaks a number of languages 
 and who has a number of accomplishments, you will 
 find one hundred in Loudon. 
 
 I must, however, allow one powerful attrac- 
 tion to the French woman. They have a pecuHar 
 knack of making the most of a lover. They keep his 
 flame alive, by des agcceries; they will try his pa- 
 tience, his temper and his constancy so, that, strange 
 to tell ! they are sovereigns of all those hearts, w here 
 too great a proportion of mind does not watch over 
 them, and our Exquisite countrymen generally de- 
 sert our train for the court of Calypso ; whilst it was 
 Tidiculous to see these danglers so played with, and 
 to hear them, in very indifferent French, generally 
 
 out-
 
 172 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 out-licro(ling the French cavaliers in compliment and 
 ill extravagance, and, if I could judge right, after 
 successfully rivalHng them. Thus much for mankind. 
 
 Their way of living, in the first circles, is so 
 similar to our own, as to snit me very well as to late 
 hours, made dishes, rich wines (half as cheap again 
 as in London), and a host of public amusements. 
 In the dinner part, I confess that the cleanliness of 
 an English cook delights me more. Here, I must 
 own, that I dread the French cook. He may take 
 snuff; he may be slovenly in his habits; and he is 
 never over nice in the symmetry of a fricass^, nor in 
 the unity of a pate; so that more legs than wings of 
 birds mny creep into the foiiner, and more ingre- 
 dients than we bargain for may enter the latter; 
 thus })roving economy at the expense of good taste, 
 and exhibiting a variety of patch-work and of stale 
 materials in point of composition^. 
 
 AVit;h
 
 THE MErROPt)LIS. 173 
 
 -■^^le-^^-t**^'**^*^**'**'***'*''^'^-^'* 
 
 With their public places I am much pleased ; 
 but, as in Loudoa, there are only few theatres for 
 people of the first rank to visit; and there, as in 
 England, they are perfect. — The grand Opera, for 
 instance, the Italian one, and the two major theatres, 
 as with us. Our Opera, however, the two winter 
 theatres, our first rate concerts, and our balls at 
 Alreack's beat them to nothing; and our private 
 parties, both in number, in style, in expense, in 
 assemblage of beauty, iu richness of attire, in pro- 
 fusion of jewels, in taste of arrangement, in deco- 
 rations, and Ml the tout ensemble, admit of no com- 
 parison. Our wealth and the trancfuil state of our 
 government favor this pre-eminence ; but, I will not 
 even give up our better taste, and that upon ex- 
 perience and upon conviction, however bold I may be 
 deemed for saying so. The very first Englibh circles 
 are no where excelled, and, save at foreign Courts, 
 very seldom equalled. It is the mistake of class and 
 Vol. I. I uul
 
 174 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 not of nation which misleads the traveller ; just as 
 the shop-keeper boasts of drinking his Burgundy so 
 cheap abroad, who never sees it at home. 
 
 Comfort is not a French word : it is purely 
 English, and, for that reason, is not to be met with 
 in France. Comfort is the effect of cleanliness, of 
 judgment and of foresight ; which studies the useful 
 and tlie agreeable, the pleasure and the convenience 
 of the guest. Thus it is that, even in frivolities, 
 wisdom preponderates in England ; whereas, abroad, 
 show, ornament, all which dazzles the eyes, or sur- 
 prizes the imagination; light amusements, disguised 
 viands, verbosity in speech, sudden change and va- 
 riety, constitute the amusements which invite and 
 which allure the traveller. 
 
 Neither have we that confusion of persons, of 
 offices and of professions, which exchanges the spit 
 
 for
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 175 
 
 for the sw'ord te mount guard at the Thuiileries, or 
 dresses your hair in the morning and figures away in a 
 Sunday's dance to instrumms a tout vent — quinquette 
 wind-instruments in the open air, and makes a low 
 bow with grace, but with assurance, to his customers 
 «n passant. 
 
 We have no ugly laquaisfiotteur, who dusts 
 my lady's bed-chamber, nay (horrible to tell) per- 
 forms frequently all the functions of the chamber- 
 maid, dirty beyond description ! yet, afterwards, on 
 the sabbath, is dressed as gay as possible, and fisfures 
 away with his mistress at this same quinquette, or at 
 the bal masque : by his mistress, I mean his chere 
 amie, for Cupid is republican enough, in the midst 
 of monarchy, to be of afl classes; so is Terpsichore, 
 who is as often disguised as a fish-woman, or as a 
 lady's maid, as she appeas in higher characters. All, 
 in France, dance, waltz, dress, make love, take snaff, 
 I 2 or
 
 176 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 or sraoke, ihe lair sex not excepted ; for, there, the 
 dowagers take snufF and the lower orders also, when 
 in the decline of life ; whilst la pipe et la tabatiere 
 have crept into thf first male classes, 4n order to give 
 them le ton militaire. 
 
 The few French, who travel, and the fewer 
 vA\o are introduced in our very first circles, when 
 they see our splendid entertainments, our groves of 
 the most delightful and expensive shrubs, &c. ; our 
 splendid conservatories, our illuminated halls and 
 corridores, our musical bands judiciously placed to 
 produce the best effect, our services of massive'plate, 
 rare china and other decorations at our routes and 
 parties, are astounded ; and yet so ill do we manage 
 with our French plays, and with our English travel- 
 lers, that the French impeach our national taste 
 Abroad. The great error, however, is, on both sides 
 X)/ the waibr, that people call life, what is not high 
 
 life:
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 177 i 
 
 i 
 
 life ; fashiou, what is not confined to a much narrower i 
 
 circle than they are aware of; taste and refinement 
 
 what nevev can be general, and therefore, where they 
 
 I 
 are at this highest perfection in the very first circle 
 
 and moderately diffused in the approaching ranks, ] 
 
 ihey may justly be deemed of national growth. j 
 
 In France, the Buonapartean nobrhty are ' 
 
 rudely deficient in these particulars ; the old noblesse 
 
 is out of date ; the middling ranks are impertinently 
 
 flippant and showy; and, as for accomplishments, I 
 
 why your hair-dresser, as I have already said, wakzes J 
 
 '1 
 and fences and plays on^ the violin, and your femme \ 
 
 de ckambre dances admirably, and can imitate all the 
 
 flirtation of a drawing-room-, all the airs of attraction, j 
 
 and all the assumption of an elegante, better than any 
 
 one whom we have on the stage (such an actress we ^ 
 
 want) ; yet education she has none : la danse, and 1 
 
 the love of admiration — voila tout ! but it is wonder- 
 
 I 3 fnl
 
 178 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r.A^vv/vAr^#> 
 
 ful what a pair of black eyes, white teeth, a cocked 
 up nose (nez retrouss^), active person and affectation 
 can effect upon our soft countrymen, who are (they 
 ought not to reproach us) wonderfully capable of 
 sudden impressions. As to deep rooted affections 
 afid lasting impressions, we will say nothing of that. 
 
 Lady Morgan has given an excellent account 
 of the national character in France ; but she has been 
 pleased to mingle politics with it, and that spoils 
 ail. She, however, knew what she was about; for, 
 by cryiiig down the ancien regime, by detailing the 
 misesries of a peieple cerf, convenahle, SfC she hos 
 awakened resentments, condemned old errors, and 
 ranged herself betwixt two classes, the moderes and 
 the repuhlicainSf which, added together, form a larce 
 mass of friends abroad, and a still greater mass at 
 home. Politics, however, I conceive as introduced 
 into, but not forming a part of national manners. I 
 
 may
 
 THE METROPOLIS. IT9 
 
 luay be wrong; I often am so; but tbe subject is 
 dry, and let us avoid it. I could say a great deal 
 more about our countrymen in France; but the-y 
 will come in elsewhere; and, after expressing my 
 love for my country, and the decided preference 
 which I give it over all others^ it is time that I should 
 leave Paris, and commence roy travelling adventures. 
 
 Ere we quit Paris, however, I cannot help 
 mentioning a scenic caricature on the English cha- 
 racter, which I saw at a wretched provincial theatre. 
 As it now occurs to my mind, 1 mention it, because 
 it completely describes the hadaud de Paris-idea, cf 
 John Bull (as he is pleased to call him). This shows 
 the prejudice of the country in its fullest force, as 
 well as its ignorance commensurate with that pre- 
 judice. Every where is the Englishman to be duped, 
 to be turned into ridicule, and to be turned into 
 cash, to be frightened, to run away (very unlike an 
 I 4 Englishman),
 
 ISO TflE METROrOLTS. 
 
 Englishman), and to be made a butt of. I shoukl 
 apologize for the introduction of this story, did I 
 not know that the feeble efforts of theatrical merit, 
 the coarse jokes and scurrilities of the Argylc and 
 French troop are much of a piece with this perfor- 
 mance. Provisions pilfered, a laqnais caught drink- 
 ing his master's liquor, a box on the ear, a witty 
 kick, a fall on the reverse of the actor, are deemed 
 worthy objects of niirth for our nobility ; and with 
 ^uch erening fare do they presume to treat the high 
 birth and fortune of the country. But when we can 
 be thus gulled, when we can swallow these coarse 
 je3ts, laugh at these fooleries and take the motley 
 performers by the hand, we cannot wonder at having 
 our taste under-rated abroad, nor at these theatrical 
 caricatures of strolling companies, such as the one 
 v.liich I am about to describe. 
 
 The hero of the piece is Mr. Go-dem. The 
 
 piece
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 181 
 
 piece opens with his arrival in Paris. He gets out 
 of the diligence, yawns immoderately, and pulls 
 eatables out of his pocket, which he devours most 
 voraciously, speaking horrible, broken French, witb 
 an oath, in English, at the end of every sentence. 
 (Very like an English gentleman to be sure !) This 
 causes immoderate laughter. He now sits down ; 
 and so immoderately long are the skirts of his coat, 
 that a starved greyhound and a clumsy pointer, 
 which follow him, make their bed on each flap^ 
 There is often a delicate hint that one of them soils 
 die flap; an oath is here rapped out; and there is 
 so much point conceived in these two flights of wit 
 and of fancy, that thundering applause follows the 
 jeu d'esprit ! ! ! The Englishman now calls for 
 a bottle of wine, and drinks six successively, with 
 the accompaniment of the favorite oath, and bon at 
 the conclusion of each bottle. This is considered 
 also very good. By this time he gets drunk: that 
 15 is
 
 IB^ THE MEtROPOLIS. 
 
 is admirable. He makes love to the chamber-maid 
 in gross, drunken, and broken French: this is Tery 
 well received. He attempts to salute the chamber-* 
 maid, who calls him gros pot d pauf, and gives him 
 a tremendous slap in the face : this is considered as 
 a very lucky hit. He then falls asleep and snores 
 immoderately : — more laughter. The waiters and 
 waiting maids turn his wig and black his face (mote 
 mirth), and the stale pun is made on him ; namely, 
 mafoiy it est bien de la race de Tudor ! After various 
 indignities offered to John, he is carried oif speech^ 
 less amidst shouts and acclamations of joy. He is 
 next represented at the Palais Royale, ridiculously 
 dressed in the last Parisian fashion. His mouth is 
 wide open with admiration of the shops and of the 
 ladies ; his pocket is picked ; and he is prevailed 
 upon, by a person who makes up to him, by name 
 d'Argentcour, a chevalier d'indusirie, to go to a 
 gaming-house. Having no money, he gives his gold 
 
 watch
 
 THE METROPOLIS- 183 
 
 t#^^^^^>^4 
 
 watch and a valuable snuff-box for a rouleau: he 
 plays and swears as usual; they cheat him very na- 
 turally, which is another triumph to the audience ; 
 and when he has lost his money, he knocks his head 
 against the wall, exclaiming, oh ! que c'est dure. This 
 pun is considered very clever. He returns to the 
 hotel, makes love to a young lady of quality very 
 over-dressed, and makes an appointment with her. 
 He is kept waiting a long time, but at last is let 
 in. The lady plays a thousand tricks with him, and 
 makes him go on his knees and vow eternal love to 
 her; all the while laughing at him and at his broken 
 French. At length her brother, an officer, couics in, 
 and strikes him. John offers to box, in a most ri- 
 diculous, overplayed manner ; but the military man 
 draws his sword and threatens to pin him in a corner. 
 Here his shrieks and fright are great food for laugh- 
 ter. A parley at length takes place ; and it is agreed 
 upon that ha shall sign a contract in her favor, giving 
 
 liis
 
 l'S4 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ^^■^^^^^.t^*^*^ * 
 
 his wealth to her, and that he shall marry her. This 
 is accordingly done ; and the happy couple are 
 united. The denouement is, that the youug lady 
 of quality is the chamber-maid in disguise; and the 
 captain turns out to be the waiter, whose cast-off 
 mis;tress Jeannelton is. The Englishman is made 
 every body's laughing-stock ; but he gets drunk 
 again, and goes off very contented with his bride, 
 crying, mon parole d' honneur, elk est jolie! This is 
 considered as extremely humorous; and the curtain 
 drops upon our idieated and degraded countryman* 
 
 From this trifling sample, we may judge of the 
 national feeling and delicacy, and of the force of 
 prejudice; for never was any thing more unlike an 
 •English gentleman than the brutal representation in 
 question. 
 
 Our departure from Paris was now fixed, and
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 135 
 
 r-***~t^»^-»^-»r-**»-r 
 
 we had nearly as many take-leave visits to make as we 
 had in town. Letters of introduction, and the number 
 of unexpected acquaintances whom we met in the 
 French metropolis, swelled our list of calls to a great 
 extent. The English circle is very large there; but 
 there, as every where, the first, the select, the polished 
 circle is comparatively small. There was a circle also, 
 nick-named, all the talents ; and another very learned 
 and pleasant assemblage of literati, amongst whom, 
 
 Mr. CI d, Su- D H y (whilst there), Lady 
 
 M. and many other authors and people of science. 
 
 My brother got into so hard living with a 
 party of dashing, extravagant military men and other 
 fashionables that I was glad when we left Paris. 
 Whilst there we heard of the Duke. His stay was 
 short ; but wherever he was known, he was much and 
 deservedly liked. His mildness, his amiability, a 
 manner of dignity with a total absence of pride, 
 
 gained
 
 186 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 gained him all hearts. He had left the town some 
 time ; and, as he travelled very expeditiously, we had 
 reason to believe him, ere this, near to St. Peters- 
 burgh. We therefore turned our faces towards the 
 south ; and conceived that we were separating everj 
 step as far as possible. 
 
 Our visits ended, our passports examined, our 
 purchases made, &c. yve left the gay city, which dis- 
 appointed my expectations greatly. The staple com- 
 modity of the country, la politesse Fran^oise, has 
 vanished. There is a pert verbosity, and an abrupt 
 but low bow, conceit and self-sufficiency established 
 in its place ; but the exchange is lamentable. This 
 my mother felt the more as she had been in France 
 in her youthful days, previous to the revolution. 
 One character has entirely disappeared (he can be 
 well spared), namely the court abbe, V ahht de la 
 coitr, that arbiter of taste, that chooser of dress, 
 
 the
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 187 
 
 the attendant on the toilette, the repeater of pretty 
 things, and the composer often of namby pamhy 
 verses — a pillar of elegant circles, and a dangler 
 at conrt. 
 
 Of one of these clerical Exquisites, my mother 
 gave us the following anecdote to beguile the time. 
 
 '* Monsieur 1' abl>4 , a cadet of a nobW family, 
 
 was the delight of his circle. He had that dwarf 
 wit which suits the toilette or the table during the 
 time of coffee. He could make smart little verses, 
 tell amusing stories, prescribe for a sick head-ache, 
 and sing. His person was handsome, and his affec- 
 tation was immeasurable. This abb^ was an im- 
 mense favorite of the ladies, and his usual song, which 
 he was always bumming, was, 
 
 ** Quand on sait aimer et plaire, 
 *' Qu'a t'on besoin d'autre bien ]" 
 
 Being
 
 188 THE METROPOLTg. 
 
 " Being a great elegant in dress and loving 
 play, his expenditures began considerably to outstep 
 his income; so that he became very importunate to 
 the minister for a benefice. His request was made 
 known to the King, who having also learned a number 
 of his conceits and gallantries, returned his memoir^ 
 paraphrase, that is to say with the answer to each 
 object written on the margin. It was simply the 
 ^bbe's old song, 
 
 " Quand on sait aimer et plaire, 
 " Qu'a t'on besoin d'autre bien?" 
 
 *' His disappointment may easily be conceived; 
 It is said however that he entirely changed his mode 
 of living, assumed the gravity fitted for his professioj?, 
 and was afterwards raised to very high church prefer- 
 ment."* 
 
 My mother's story ended, we looked out of the 
 
 carriage
 
 THE METROPOLIS. ISO 
 
 carriage window, and found ourselves at a great dis- 
 tance from Paris. Our postillions were cracking 
 their whips, and making a tremendous clatter as if 
 they were flying express ; although seven miles aii 
 hour was the utmost extent (scarcely indeed that) of 
 Iheir pace. But this " mucli ado about nothing" is of 
 a piece with all the rest. For harness we had ropes — 
 the emblems of slavery; tfud the costume of our 
 drivers was the same, which my mother had seen 
 tliirty years before. So much for improvement ! alas ! 
 dear England ! Liberty and my country ! there is 
 uothing like ye in the world.
 
 190 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 <^^>^^.^^^J'^^^^-^.f^»^f^J>f^'*^^*^^^^^.^^^r**-*^^^***r^>^^^'**-»'*^r*^^^*^ 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Of our journey through France and Italy, I shalV 
 say bu^ little, as London is my principal object ; and 
 to that delightful place I shall bring back my reader 
 with all possible expedition. 
 
 Wishing to see as much as possible, wc hired 
 horses, which we put to our travelling carriage, with 
 the intent of proceeding about forty miles per day, 
 and of stopping at every town worth seeing, both for 
 the sake of amusement and of rest, and for the pur- 
 pose of diverting my mind from being engrossed with 
 an object, to avoid which was the very end of our 
 journey. 
 
 The party consisted of my mother, ray brother 
 
 and
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 191 
 
 «#^^^^«^v/s^>^s^^>^vA^^.«^^s».»^s«y«sr^j 
 
 and myself, my own maid and two men-servauts ; but 
 oue of the latter misbehaving at Paris, we discharged 
 him, and proceeded with a single footman. 
 
 When on the confine of Italy, we met with 
 the following adventure, the actors in which were 
 French disbanded soldiers. Just on the French fron- 
 tier, we had a wood to pass, where our postillions 
 stopping suddenly, they informed us that a small box 
 had been dropped, which was fastened outside of the 
 carriage, and one of them offered to go back for it. 
 He did so accordingly, and lost three hours in a 
 fruitless search. By this delay we were benighted, 
 and could not proceed to the first inn on the road, 
 marked down, by us, for stopping at. 
 
 A lone, dreary house by a wood side now 
 presented itself as the only asylum for the night. 
 When we entered it, we were seized with horror. A 
 
 miserabl*^
 
 192 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 1 
 
 miserable bed-room, ^vith two beds, was offered t© 
 us ; and the servants were to be a^'commodated in one 
 
 occupied jointly by one of the landlord's sons. i 
 
 ■i 
 
 I 
 
 i 
 
 We now observed sitting rmmd the fire a { 
 
 number of men of the most ferocious appearance, 
 
 wha eyed us with a mixture of curiosity and fury. My | 
 
 brother-in-law suspecting them to be. banditti, and i 
 
 having heard of a regularly organized band^f that 
 
 kind in this part of the country, imparted his fears ! 
 
 to me; but begged us not to be alarmed, as he would ] 
 
 make the servants sit up in the room with us. i 
 
 i 
 
 This arrangement very highly offended out I 
 
 host ; but my brother insisted upon it. My mother ' 
 
 and I took out our own bedding and slept on the | 
 
 floor, in one corner ; my brother slept in another ; , 
 
 and the servants lay down by turns on a wretched , 
 mattress on the floor against the door, which we also 
 
 secured ^
 
 THE METROPOLIS. li^J 
 
 secured with a nail to prevent its beiug opened. It 
 may easily be supposed, that sleep was a stranger to 
 our eyes. Indeed the state of apprehension under 
 Mhith I now laboured, is not to be described. 
 
 In the middle of the night a noise was heard 
 similar to persons cutting out the centre pane of the 
 window. My mother gave the alarm. My brother 
 instantly rose, ordered his man to baricado the door, 
 and immediately advancing to the window, fired his 
 brace of double-barrelled pistols through, and charged 
 them again ; having most fortunately all the neces- 
 sary means of so doing about him, and the servant 
 standing with a double-barrelled gun cocked. 
 
 The noise brouglit to the door tlie landlord, 
 who demanded admittance, and asked wliy my brother 
 could be so mad as to alarm the house and break his 
 window? to which my brother answered bv com-
 
 194 THE IVTETROPOLIS. 
 
 municating to him his suspicions, arfd by adding that | 
 
 he would let no one enter the room until day-light* ^ 
 
 Our host enraged, swore that he would burst open the j 
 door; but my brother assured him, that the servant 
 was now prepared to iodge the contents of his two 
 barrels in the brains of the first who entered, and 
 
 that this should be followed by the discharge of his ■ 
 
 four barrels, after Which he should arm us with re- | 
 loaded fire-arms and would join his ser\'ant in cutting 
 
 down singly each man who presented himself at the j 
 door. The landlord retired with horrid imprecations^ 
 
 I had fainted away • and I know nothing which '\ 
 
 occurred till day-break; when my brother let his j 
 
 servant out of the window with orders to reconnoitre j 
 
 the house, then to come round to the chamber door, j 
 
 and there to give a private signal and he would let ] 
 him in. He did so accordingly, sword in hand, in a 
 
 style of surprizing bravery, and to the no small annoy- ! 
 
 ance 1
 
 TffE METROPOLla. 195 
 
 ••^**^*#**<^*#^*^r<^r.#>#•.*^^***^r■.#■*'**■.*yr.*s^*^»■**•*^.*s#^^.^<^^^^^ 
 
 ance of our host, who denied that voices were heard 
 round the house, and that any attempt had been 
 made on the window ; adding that we must all have 
 dreamed of this affair or be touched in our intellects. 
 
 The report given by the servant was that a 
 great quantity of blood was under our chamber win- 
 dow, which he could have traced to the neighbouring 
 wood. When this was narrated to the landlord he 
 looked confused, and said that he had just killed a 
 pig— an occurrence which was impossible, in this 
 situation, without our knowing it. Besides it was so 
 improbable at such an hour ; the blood being quite 
 fresh and being traclced for a considerable way. We 
 made no breakfast, paid a most exorbitant bill, and 
 prepared to depart in the morning early. The post- 
 boys, the landlord's son, and every person about 
 this wretched house, bore the appearance of mystery 
 and of horror. 
 
 We
 
 1^6 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 We travelled in a state of mental agony not 
 to be described. Our nerves were diaken ; and the 
 idea of our escape struck us almost dumb. Each 
 looked on the other ; but no one could break the 
 silence. 
 
 The ilm, at which ^^^ should have stopped on 
 the night of our alarm, was only six leagues distant 
 from the wood-house. Arrived there, our spirits 
 »unk so, that we could proceed no further: and if 
 th^re had been as much danger as at the last station, 
 we must have succumed. My mother and 1 were in a 
 high fever ; the servants were dejected and incapable 
 of travelling ; and even my brother appeared to have 
 fahen into a state of torjyor. 
 
 An excellent dinner, preceded by a few hours 
 of rest, however, so refreshed us that we got into 
 better spirits. We began to exchangee our mutual 
 
 ideas
 
 THE METKOPOLIS. 1^7 
 
 '■■^^f.r^.f^.r-r , 
 
 ideas on the past, and communicated them to our 
 aubergiste, who merely raised up his shouhiers, looked 
 grave, shook his head, and observed that the wood- 
 house had a very bad reputation, and that such 
 stories were told about it, that no traveller ever 
 thought of passing a night there. He gave a glance at 
 our postillions, which meant, '* ye too, ye knaves, 
 have been in the conspiracy ;" and we determined to 
 dismiss them, paying them for the whole journey, 
 Hvhich we did accordingly. 
 
 The master of the inn seemed to take a deep 
 interest in our escape ; and after dinner suggested the 
 propriety of our waiting on the lord of the manor, 
 who was also a magistrate. With this my brother 
 complied ; and, on the following day, four of tlie 
 men whom we had seen sitting around the kitchen-fii^, 
 and whose appearance had so alarmed us, v/ere 
 Iwought before him and interrogated. One v as dis- 
 VoL. I. K patched
 
 W8 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 patched for the trunk, which was lost in the wood, 
 and the others were detained, with a threat, that if he 
 did not return, his father's house and his own head 
 should suffer for it ; and that these suspicious charac- 
 ters, his companions, against whom many complaints 
 had been preferred, should be kept in irons and seen 
 daily in order to be identified. The wretch who was 
 dispatched flew with fear and precipitation, whilst 
 the other three desperadoes were horror-struck. 
 
 On the ensuing day one of them offered to give 
 evidence against his accomplices, which was received ; 
 and officers of police were sent, in secret, to watch 
 the motions of the landlord's son. The result was 
 the discovery of the following black conspiracy, and 
 of a gang of robbers organized for the purpose of 
 plundering travellers, in general, but the English in 
 particular. 
 
 Tht
 
 THE METROPOLIS. IDO 
 
 The evidence was a wood-cutter. He got ac- 
 quainted with a disbanded soldier, who worked occa- 
 sionally with him, but whose vicious habits inclined 
 him rather to pleasure and idleness than to hard 
 labour and industry. Their acquaintance assumed 
 the form of intimacy, and that intimacy, naturally, 
 prockiced mutual confidence. One day the soldier 
 represented to the witness the hardships of bis (the 
 disbanded soldier's) lot, forced as he was to labour 
 hard for the maintenance of a wife and children, and 
 unable after all to earn more than could procure dry 
 bread and water, with, now and then, a few ve- 
 getables. 
 
 He afterwards proceeded to state to liiin, 
 that, if he would accompany him to the wood-house, 
 he would put him in a way of bettering his fortune. 
 He complied; and after being plied with liquor, he 
 Jearned that Hie project was no other than the murder 
 K 2 and
 
 200 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 and robbery of an elderly lady and her daughter, 
 who were benighted. This was e'ffected, by the 
 lieeper of this deu of thieves, his son and the witness, 
 in the following manner. 
 
 One of them came and terrified them at the 
 window, which inducing them to fly to the door of 
 the apartment for succour, they were dispatched in 
 the dark by the other two. The third flew from the 
 window to alarm their servant, sleeping in an adja- 
 cent stable, who in hurrying to the door of the house, 
 was surrounded by the three and stabbed. The dead 
 bodies were then buried in the wood, and their gold 
 and jewels distributed amongst the assassins. 
 
 This band of robbers had now grown into 
 twenty ; but on the night intended for our massacre, 
 only six were present, including the landlord and his 
 son, two of whom were shot by the fir« of my bro- 
 thel*
 
 THK METROPOLIS. 
 
 '■■#^*'*^r.*^*-/-^<-.*vr*s*-*^***sr*--/'-**-#-#'<^ 
 
 tlier tlirougli the window, and one was desperately 
 wounded. On that occasion tlie two companions 
 and our drivers, who were bribed and in the conspi- 
 racy, were anxious to remove him to a place of 
 safety, and were fearful that either his beina' found,, 
 or even the traces of blood, should discover the 
 whole on the ensuing day and produce th^ir appre- 
 hension and the destruction of the house. Moreover, 
 they dreaded a second fire, which niig4it prove fatal 
 to them ; whilst the landlord and his son were poited- 
 at our door. 
 
 These, after giving a whistle, which was not 
 aijswered, perceived that their accomplices were 
 cither shot or had fled pajiic-struck ; and hearing my 
 brother and his servant's resolution, besides the as- 
 surance that the females would defend their lives to 
 tiie last — a happy invention of my brother's, but not 
 founded in fact, they also were panic-stra^, and 
 K 3 threw
 
 202 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 threw away their arras. The servant likewise having 
 discovered the blood, and tlie drivers being intimi- 
 dated on their return by the lirni countenances of 
 my brother and his domestic, combined with the 
 landlord's confusion and dismay, and by their being- 
 armed with j)ist.ols, sabres and gun, wliilst the otlier 
 villains dared not to return in day-light, disconcerted 
 the whole plan, and was the means of our escaping. 
 I'his was the second deed of darkness in which the 
 evidence bad been employed, and he appeared in a 
 ijuost distracted state of mind. 
 
 We afterwards learned that the one wlio was 
 .•cut back for tije box, which was lost on purpose to 
 create a delay, was pursued and taken by the police, 
 as was also the landlord, his sou and the other three. 
 The evidence's life was spared ; the others suftered. 
 Tike house was demolished ; and our drivers were 
 sent to the gallies. Thus ended an occurrence which 
 
 will
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 903 
 
 will never be effaced from my remembrance, and 
 wliich had nearly cost us our lives. 
 
 After this we proceeded into Italy which, also, 
 at that time, was dreadfully infested by a most numer- 
 ous, resolute, and well armed banditti, regulnrly com- 
 manded and organized, and which is now scarcely 
 dispersed, after sending a regiment to destroy them, 
 after bringing a great number to public execution^ 
 and after exposing the heads or limbs of those brought 
 to justice on posts fixed at about a mile distant from 
 each other on the high roads. The English were 
 pointed out as the greatest objects of their spoliation. 
 
 From our scjcur in Italy, little novelty can be 
 culled. 1 therefore spare my reader's time in detailing 
 it. Whoever has a heart must become an ardent 
 admirer of that eountry. The finest Greek and Ro- 
 man schools in painting, sculpture and architecture, 
 K 4 the
 
 004 THE METROraLT.=J. 
 
 tliG venerable ruins of superb and gothic edifices every 
 v/here inspiring the mind with amazement and with 
 dehg'ht, the awful images of burning mountains, cities 
 engulphed and buried in the bowels of tlie earth, the 
 bewitching enchantment of music, a language whose 
 very prose is poetry and whose poetry is the sound of 
 magical delusion, a brilliant sun, fine climate, roman- 
 tic scenery, and endless varicly, render Italy the Eden 
 of the world ; whilst science crowns her the mistress 
 of the earth. 
 
 Florence was a little London. The English, 
 here, as in France, herded together, and thereby 
 reaped not the benefit from their travels which might 
 be expected. But John is a gregarious animal ; and 
 there is no changing his habits. Indeed some of 
 them,. I would not have changed for the world. A 
 few of our English over acted an assimilation to the 
 manners of the inhabitants, and became nothing short 
 of ridiculous.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 205 
 
 r^sr^^^^^s^'A^ 4 
 
 Amongst them were the Marquess of *******, 
 Lord B e, and Sir John S . These gentle- 
 men were so hrimful of virtu, that they stood motion- 
 less before a fine statue, wept at a fine drawn vocal 
 sound, shivered at a musical accompaniment, and 
 were convulsed at a picture of Salvator Rosa. They 
 lisped and murmured in conversation, and played all 
 tiie actions of pantomime in their commonest inteftp 
 course with society.. 
 
 I was vastly mortified one day at a Condessa 
 being ready to faint when 1 entered the room, on 
 account of the odour of some huile antique which Ji 
 had used whilst brushing and arranging my hair. 
 Nothing is more common than these ladies affecting 
 to be overcome by our odours, and crying out una 
 Inglesa, the moment we appear in sight. These 
 Italian dames, however, have powerful attractions. 
 They are enthusidjsts in love ; and one of them made 
 K 5 a deep
 
 306 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 a deep impression on my brother's heart. Liet our 
 English youth be^vare of them. 
 
 I am now returned to my native land! — A 
 host of invitations await me ! — Here's a ticket for the 
 Arg'yle again, where all the world will be ! After all, 
 I say — " Vive VAngkterre!'' and, furthermore, in 
 contradistinction to the old French very trrte remark, 
 " // tiy a qu un Paris,'' I stoutly assert, in plain 
 English, that there is hut one London. 
 
 I felt the glow of j)atriotism on landing at 
 Dover ; but I felt the glow of pleasure on arriving in 
 London. What is like a good English inn, or hotel? 
 where every thing is neatness, cleanliness and comfort, 
 — where you are not annoyed by sanded floors, wet 
 napkins at dinner, and by cold marble tables, or else 
 by articles covered with oil skin, or deeply clad in 
 tublc cloths, in order to conceal the poverty of the 
 
 deal
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 207 
 
 deal-machine under it; for these contrasts of mkery 
 and of poverty are to be met with in salons, where all 
 the rest is mirrors, chandeliers, lustres, ornamental 
 furniture, wax-lights, trumpery taffetas curtains, gild- 
 ing and frippery ; exhibiting meanness and magnifi- 
 cence side by side, a display of expense, and a want 
 of convenience. 
 
 Farewell now sparkling-eyed, obtrusive, pert, 
 little ivory-toothed femmes de chamhres tripping about, 
 marchandes de mode cheating mi ladi and ogling mi 
 lord, swarthy cooks, who look like the essence of 
 brown soup, and talkative dancing partners, who 
 fancy themselves the prettiest things in the world. 
 We are now going into polished London-circles, 
 which certainly beat those of all Europe. am 
 
 delighted to be at home again ; yet feel a sort of 
 confidence at being a travelled-woman. With bow 
 
 much
 
 203 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 • .»sr.*s*^#vr .*^.»sr*-*-.^^.*^.*v**^*^** *^*^*#-*^" 
 
 much more consequence I can take a seat at table, or 
 occupy my place in our box at the Opera ! Of how 
 much more I can speak (a sensible pleasure to us 
 women) than before my journey. 
 
 However, before I proceed any further, I re- 
 quest to be permitted to take off my Paris bonpet. L 
 look frightful in it. Let me think a little, for that is 
 necessary. I must also compose myself, and not play 
 the Frenchwoman iior affect the traveller too much ; 
 for nothing to me is so hateful as your modern patch- 
 work books tacked together with half sentences of 
 French and of English, merely to show the reader, 
 that the author has read Madame Cotin, Madame de 
 Stael, Chateaubriand and Mercier, &c. as if the sensi- 
 ble peruser could not read the original either in its 
 native language or by a good translation himself, with/ 
 iijore effect than in these puny extracts. Therefore 
 
 deter-
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 20^ 
 
 determined am I to ♦€ quite the English woman, as 
 shall appear in the next chapter and throughout ray 
 \v:ork — Now for the Argyle !
 
 210 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 On entering the French Theatre at the Argyle 
 Rooms, the first person who accosted me was Lord 
 
 , as odious and satirical as ever. " You look 
 
 vastly well,'^ he drawled out, *' since your Russian 
 tour." " Russian tour !" said I, with surprize — " my 
 journe-y through France and Italy you mean." •• True, 
 I had forgotten !" ** Pardon me," said I, with a 
 significant glance, which showed him that I knew 
 how much he was my enemy. *' I declare I am 
 mightily glad to see you" (making mightily a word of 
 ahout a yard long, and drawling the whole out in his 
 affected, half nasal, insipid tone. This I begged 
 leave also to show him that I doubted). 
 
 We had scarcely entered our box, when we 
 
 were
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 21 1 
 
 *^^*^^*^r.*y»^*^*^**^*^.#^*■*<■^sr■•^^^^r•**■1#sr^**^^*■.*^r**^»^r■*^4 
 
 were nodded at by a legion of beaux and belles. 
 Motions on the hands and of fans, salutations with 
 the eyes, elevations of eye-brows in token of sur- 
 prize, artful and studied smiles, more with the view 
 of giving grace and lustre to the smiler's features, 
 than to countenance and welcome us, beamed all 
 around. 
 
 There was, at this very mediocre performance, 
 all the world of fashion, three of the Royal Dukes, 
 
 all the ambassadors. The Marquess of C y, the 
 
 Earl of U his father, the Duke of A — and 
 
 gentle Duchess, the Orlando inamorato. Lord M. 
 
 S 1, the minor Terpsichore, Miss M y. Lord 
 
 W , capering Miss R — n — n, the Countess of St. 
 
 Colonel U , as easy and as affected as ever, 
 
 Sir G. W. and scornful wife, besides the sad ruined 
 remnant of the Dandies, the cream of the Grand 
 Exquisites, half the Bond Street Insipids, added to 
 
 many
 
 S12 THE METROPaLIS; 
 
 many minor twinklers in fashion's hemisphere, came 
 there to borrow brilliancy and refulgence from the \ 
 
 greater lights.. \ 
 
 j 
 
 I never saw the P look better for many 
 
 years. That dimpled smile of condescension, which ^ 
 
 is peculiarly his and which beams warmly in the ^ 
 
 autumn of life, gave him a peculiar grace, and i 
 
 seemed like a preservative against years. La Mar- 
 cliesa was at least in the plenitude of her charms. i 
 
 Poor lady J looked as if she were cut out by her 
 
 daughter. The dowager Duchess of was eclipsed^ i 
 
 by the youthful Countess who came out this season. 
 The foreigners of distinction were a good foil to our i 
 
 noblesse; for I never saw a plainer turn out. Lady 
 
 Ch — ra — t was positively the prettiest woman there.. 1 
 
 \ 
 
 Some oddish coincidences occurred in the 
 theatre of which I shall speak hereafter : but what \ 
 
 annoyed \
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 213 
 
 annoyed me most of all was the proximity of Lady 
 Mildew. She quite haunts us. After an absence on 
 the Continent, to be tacked like a pale in a park> 
 side by side with her at a theatre, when scarcely 
 retarued from, our tour, was almost insiifterable : 
 'twas as bad as the adventure of Monsieur Tonsou — 
 completely one of the miseries. She had got with 
 her a listening novice on town, and an old tabby 
 Baronet's widow who lives upon soups, tea, paregoric 
 and, scandal. I was forced to heax her. 
 
 The substance of ber remarks were nearly as 
 follows : '' What a size a certain })erson is ! I see that 
 courtly and portly are now synonimous terms ; and 
 some folks take their favorites, as people of quaHty 
 hire their footmen, merely ou account of their bulk 
 and stature, without any other good quality. What 
 a homely person the little Duchess is ! how unlike 
 the wife of a hero !" " Gh ! she does very well for 
 
 a town-
 
 214 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 a town-house fixture," replied Lady ; " and 
 
 that is the quality in which she acts : some peoph" 
 au't very fond of taking their ladies out with iheni." 
 
 " Who would, that has good taste?" (joirved 
 in conversation my odious Lord above mentioned). 
 " Would you have a prince or a hero, or a nobleman, 
 or a man of fashion, or a decent fellow even, form a 
 t^te-a-t^te picture with his wife, like a William and 
 Mary half-a-crown ] monstrous! incongruous! abo- 
 minable ! Bad taste indeed, Lady Mildew, to be lum- 
 bering about with a whole family establishment ! A 
 pretty joke ! The Duke is good enough" (strong 
 stress on the word) "for any husband." (Lady Mil* 
 dew.) " W^e do not all think so, my lord : on the con- 
 trary, as Ninon de V Lnclos says, on riest pas Heros 
 par tout.'' An immoderate laugh within the bounds 
 of fashion (no national roar, or hearty expression of 
 mirth) followed this speech; the association of Ninon 
 
 de
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 215 
 
 de r Enclos and Lady Mildew being so truly ridi- 
 culous. (Lady Mildew playing her fan and bridling.) 
 
 " Did you" (to the tab})y Baronet's relict) 
 " observe how flirting and amatory a certaiu very 
 great personage is ?"' i^Lord Odioi;?, for so I shall, in 
 future, call him). "Madame, that illustrious person 
 is possessed of infinite fancy; and fancy. Madam, 
 creates love; and this is (f say it for your ladyship's 
 information) the only creative faculty about many 
 people. Your ladyship, for instance, has a brilliant 
 fancy" (he gave great weight to brilliant, and winked 
 at General C. of the Guards), " yet you have never 
 created any thing beyond a story" (a look of surprize 
 
 all round! a blush on her ladyship's cheek!) 
 
 •* when I say a story, I confine myself to a tale of" 
 (a pause) " a little, severe, satire," (the three words 
 drawn to the utmost extent of syllabling, thus — a lit- 
 tle, se — vere, sa — tire) " or," (with an ill-natured 
 
 smile)
 
 216 THE METROPOLl-5* 
 
 ^■^■^^■^■f.^.f^^^.ff^'^.f-t^.f-4'^^f-f.f^.^s^.f** 
 
 smile) " any otlier tale which a — mused your lady- 
 ship — and — friends — at — the time" — (all with rests 
 and pauses.) 
 
 *' Therefore," i^addcd he wilb a triamphant 
 lit up countenance, meaning '* I have you I thuik ') 
 ^* we will not say too much about creative powers : 
 they are ofl«uer inconvenient than" (another private 
 signal) " otherwise in high life. But the Philander- 
 ing system of the great Don in question is an admira- 
 ble thing. Amatory fancy, Madam," (fixing my scan- 
 dalous relative) " is like a great coat, or rather like a 
 woollen night cap or a Welch wig," (uo reflection on 
 Wales) ** it keeps an elderly man warm by inflaming 
 his head, the healing whereof throws a glow over the 
 person and has a capital effect." ** You are the devil/' 
 cried the General. " Not at all," replied my. Lord, 
 ** I am her Ladyship's most humble servant." 
 
 Looks
 
 THE MLTROPOLIS. SI 
 
 r.^>#s^«^.#v/vr^'< 
 
 Looks of confusion and scorn passed between 
 Lady Mildew and Lord Odious; but she made a 
 rejoindec, and addressed the widow, turning her 
 back half upon the Peer, and half looking " this 
 is too bad, too much, not fair." " Am I," said sire, 
 *' mistaken, or had not Mrs. Paragon ra-ther light-ish, 
 I mean red-iah hair last season]" *' She had." " Bless 
 me ! then the raven has taken possession of her head 
 this year." (A laugh.) (Lord Odious.) *' Madame, 
 there has been a great flight of crows this season : they 
 arc mistaken by the ignorant for black game ; but they 
 make game of those who mistake them. The female 
 bird, Lady Mildew," (looking fixedly at her) ** is very 
 dangerous, and the female will follow the male, as birds 
 of a feather, &c." (Another signal.) " But hair and 
 smiles, and bloom and all things may change in time." 
 
 *' They may," replied Lady Mildew, tapping the 
 palm of her hand witliherfaui impatiently; '* and so 
 
 may
 
 218 THE METllOPOHS. 
 
 may opinion, honesty, sentiment and truth, taste, 
 propriety, and even good breeding." " What a torrent 
 to pour on tlie peer!" *' Lady Grizzle,'* said she, 
 turning from his Lordship and changing the subject, 
 
 " do you not think that Lady A m has mistaken the 
 
 geranium for the rose iu choosing her vegetable 
 bloom?" *' And an angle for a curve in adjusting her 
 eye-brow," replied Lady Grizzle ! " And," resumed 
 Lady Mildew (with an unnatural assumption of gay 
 levity), ** I think that Monsieur Fusil has mistaken his 
 part : he does not play d'apres la nature^ ** He is 
 not singular in that," insinuated, very unwelcomely. 
 Lord Odious, 
 
 Lady Mildew drew up, and, with an air of 
 firmness and disgust, addressed him briefly with " My 
 Lord, if you could find any other person to whet the 
 edge of your uncommonly polished wit upon, — if you 
 could make choice of another box and of another 
 
 party
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 2Uj 
 
 party to torment" (the word party was adroit), ** we 
 should feel equally obliged to you, and you might be 
 more welcome." ** Madam," replied the peer, with 
 more grace than he had hitherto assumed, but with 
 the same ill-natured and unmanly severity, " I have 
 ever been the slave of your Ladyship's wishes, and I 
 withdraw." 
 
 Lady Mildew had recourse to her aromatic 
 vinegar ; she was quite spasmodized. I could have 
 found in my heart to give her her old remedy, the 
 Madeira or the Noyeau ; but time and place and cir- 
 cumstance forbade. She soon assumed a hysterical 
 laugh a la Miss O'Niel ; it was as trying an effort and 
 quite as natural. 
 
 » 
 
 She now nodded familiarity to Lord M. S. 
 ** That is a gentleman who is half marritd, ' said she ; 
 *' for he has got his own consent. And that," said 
 
 she,
 
 $20 TPIIE METROPOLIS. 
 
 she, poinling to the Honorable General M , ** i» ! 
 
 tlie most impudent fellow in the world. He scruples \ 
 not to tell a daughter how much her mother was ia : 
 love with him — how like she is to an old sweetheart 
 of his, and other incongruities equally inadmissible 
 in civilized society. But I most speak to him or he 
 will tear my reputation to pieces. Your most obe- 
 dient, my dear general. As great a rattle as ever ! ■ 
 you are the evergreen of green Erin your country; ', 
 you have certainly borrowed the art of growing i 
 younger every year." ** You do me proud," said the 
 general with a look which spoke a hoax, and seemed 
 
 to say, "you flatter and fear me." 
 
 j 
 
 I now quite felt for Lady Mildew, and turned < 
 
 round in order to hear no more from her quarter. | 
 
 My left hand neighbour was not less censorious. | 
 
 i 
 " Don't you think," said «n elderly beau, name un- | 
 
 known, to Lady ****, the Queen of Clubs (as I call 
 
 her), I
 
 THE METROPOLIS. •291 
 
 her), *' that the Marquess of C y is a dreadful 
 
 vr«ck? There is a great deal of loose materials 
 about him ! What a pity that we cannot be always 
 young!" Her ladyship half sighed, half smiled. "I 
 don't know," replied she, laying a deal of emphasis 
 on I don't. " Your ladyship has no right to know," 
 rejoined he : " you are a fixed star in the firmament 
 of attraction, around which we minor planetaxies re- 
 volve with delight." Very high fiown indeed thought 
 I. *' But did you observe the placidity of tlie dow- 
 ager Duchess, on touching, par hazard, her old 
 flame the Marquess with his second-hand lady ?" Ex- 
 change is no robbery in high life. 
 
 Here my mother, t)verlieariug each side, and 
 not considering either as calculated to improve me 
 very much, drew off my attention to the performance. 
 It was le Bourgeois Gentilhomme. We both agreed 
 tliat it was below a second rate performance; that 
 Vot. I. L the
 
 222 THE methopolis. 
 
 <r^v#^^l^^^»./s^./^^^.^A#.A^^y^>l^^^^^>^^>^^^#^^^^w^^^^^#s#s^.^.^y^^^^»^^/s^t4^^^ 
 
 the stage, the scenery, or rather the poverty aud 
 want of scenery would be considered as contemptible 
 in Paris, and that the Committee might, if they 
 chose, manage matters far better. Mademoiselle 
 Camille's Angelique was the best of it ; but she would 
 be thought nothing of in France. The rapturous 
 applause of Monsieur Perlet, we deemed little short 
 of ridiculous ; and my mother was of opinion that 
 his loudest applauders were Exquisites who came in 
 in the middle of an act, and understood nothing of 
 the plot, and stupids, like Sir G. W. who scarcely 
 could speak a word of French : such is the rage of 
 fashion! Lord ********* indeed might put up with 
 this indifferent performance, because it was thought 
 that he was not indifferent to one of the per- 
 formers ! 
 
 "We now had a visit from Lord B gh ^t 
 
 in our box. He is going on a diplomatic mission, j 
 
 know
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 223 
 
 know not a man of better taste in every thing, and 
 particularly in theatricals. Could he not give them a 
 hint? The suspended tongue of scandal now began 
 on both sides of us. 
 
 " Did you remark the looks which passed 
 betwixt the brunette Marchioness and the Duchess of 
 A V cried Lady Mildew, " and the serenity of his 
 
 Grace, the ogling of Lord A. c, whose son looks as 
 
 old as himself, and the sulkiness of the Countess of 
 L— ? I suppose she is disappointed of her waltz- 
 ing partner." 
 
 Lord B r n was made the subject of 
 
 conversation on our left hand. " I cannot bear that 
 
 Lady B ," said Lord Odious, "for being the cause 
 
 of our losing B . A poor spoiled, insipid thing! 
 
 One of your only children ! She was as fit to be 
 
 mated with B. as the wren is for a partner to the 
 
 L 2 «agle !
 
 224 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r.»^»^»^.f^**.^^.^-**-f.»^.r^*^t>t>f- 
 
 eagle! What, though his fancy did roam? What 
 girl of fourteen, who is well educated aiid in high life, 
 but has made her mind up to that?" 
 
 " Oh! hoi there's Lord L — s — ^le : do you 
 want a qualification for a vote?" The Duke of 
 
 D now became the subject of their slander. An 
 
 affair of gallantry abroad was mentioned, which Lord 
 
 treated with a degree of pitiful contempt. ** The 
 
 Duke!" exclaimed he with a laugh! ** poor thing! 
 c* est impossible y This was Arabic to me; yet I felt 
 hurt at the circumstance. 
 
 The curtain now dropped; and, ingoing out, 
 I overheard a fragment of conversation between two 
 persons, not in the spring of life, and who have hecn 
 separated for many years by various ties and by 
 various wanderings and adventures. You, my friend,* 
 irill understand it, and I give it as I heard it. ^* Odd
 
 THE METROPOLI?. 225 
 
 as it may appear to you, after so many years, I protest 
 that I never meet you without au indiscribable sen- 
 sation of tenderness." (The Lady.) " I can-not 
 (making two distinct syllables of .the word) believe 
 that." " By my soul you may." (A sigh and a pause.) 
 
 ** Then — I thank you." Here followed a languid 
 
 shake of the hand, but a very expressive look of kindly 
 reminiscence. You know my weakness ; and I felt 
 deeply interested for both. Mr. P. the diplomate, 
 BOW passed, and handed me to my carriage. 
 
 To^ x\^I cannot quit the Argyle theatre without making 
 the following reflections. In spite of its being so very 
 mediocre, in spite of the very humble abilities of the 
 performers, who are applauded and received, nay 
 caressed by our nobility and fashionables in a way 
 
 • From the authoress to her friend, to whom the work is 
 addressed. 
 
 L 3 which
 
 226 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 which must astonish them ; yet, is there one attraction 
 in this theatre, namely that it is such as has no 
 charms for the middling ranks of society, and that, 
 in attending this place of very indifferent amusement, 
 you meet but the one class, which is the first. The 
 only means indeed of keeping a place of assemblage 
 select, is either to fix the price or the nature of the 
 tiling above the reach of the vulgar. The latter too, 
 is the most efficacious ; for money is no bar in Lon- 
 don. The rich and the ruined, the high and the low, 
 all contrive to command money for their pleasures, 
 however miserably they may be forced to sacrifice for 
 their attainment. 
 
 Another and my last reflection was, how neces- 
 sary it was to have pleasant neighbours as subscribers 
 to the boxes on our right and. left hands, else may 
 one be tortured by such canversation as may mar a 
 whole night's happiness. I have known, abroad, the 
 
 greatest
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 227 
 
 r*^*~f.^^ 
 
 greatest friendships and the pleasantest acquaintaaees 
 formed by this neighbourhood. On asking the lovely 
 Countess who she was speakins; to, she answered me, 
 test mon murmitoyen — her neighbour at the opera, 
 only separated by the wall of the box. The term 
 amused me. 
 
 I had forgotten to mention that young J- 
 
 came lounging into our box. It is astonishing how 
 this young man has insinuated himself into high life ; 
 yet do you see him in the first circles. He possesses 
 the most mauvais ton ; he is a boaster whose affecta- 
 tion is immeasurable ; he speaks as if it cost him a 
 great sacrifice to honor you with his insipid conver- 
 sation; yet he can boast of himself by the hour. 
 His wines, his horses, his country-house form his 
 favorite topics. The Prince is never out of his mouth ; 
 
 and he is flattered that Lord should compliment 
 
 L 4 him
 
 998 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 him on being the inost dissipated young man of his 
 age. Jle really is the mere vapour of fashion. 
 
 I picked up, however, a piece of very singutar 
 
 information from him. Lord 's conduct to Lady 
 
 Mildew so surprized me that I mentioned it to him; 
 and he promised me to explain it the next day, being 
 then engaged to a quadrille ball. I shall therefore 
 now retire to rest, and make it the subject of the next 
 chapter.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 229 
 
 ^^.^^>^«^^A^^v#J 
 
 rtKiOOQunita) 
 
 CIIAPTER X. 
 
 Young J made his morning call according to 
 
 promise, and explained tons the mysterious business 
 respectfng'Lady Milde\V. The substance of it was, 
 that (as I have before remarked) pride and a small 
 fortune prevented her froM forming a matrimonial 
 alliance at an early period of life. At first, she 
 assumed that 'severity of manners, that harshness of 
 judging, that prudish deportment, so common to 
 elderly spinsters, and professed a hatred for men. 
 At length, still more advanced in years, Cupid played 
 her a very mischievous trick by mollifying and infla- 
 ming her heart, and by making her susceptible of a 
 very violent and extravagant passion for a young 
 midshipman of eighteen, introdiiced by Lord James 
 
 O' (who, soit dit en passant, a certain illustrious 
 
 L 5 personage
 
 230 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 personage counts as one of the only three gentlemeu 
 in the navy ! — a circumstance highly complimentary 
 tro this gallant corps, aud not quite politic to express) 
 into our family, 't'lie good lady 'overwhelmed this 
 youth with caresses, with attentions, with marks of 
 admiration. She waited on him personally in an ill- 
 ness, during his visit to the family. .FinJ^ly, she left 
 nothing undone to prove her attachment,, iwhich the 
 unexperienced youth rec^yed as pure motherly kind- 
 ness. Many broad hints, many opportunities were 
 furnished by her ladyship to the youth; but, instead 
 of assuming the ardour of gij iqipassjonate lover, he 
 merely obtained the familiarity and confidence of a 
 son, calling her his mama, his dear nurse and the Hke. 
 The. former title favoured her designs with the world, 
 and permitted certain kind freedoms which did not 
 expose her to censure ; but the boy's want of pene- 
 tration mortified her in the extreme. Her passion 
 had now reached its height, and her Adonis (for he 
 
 was
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 931 
 
 was uncommonly handsome) was forced to go to sea, 
 without her having made the least impression on his 
 heart. He put to sea, and left her inconsolable, 
 She now went on a visitation (for her visits are far 
 
 beyond the common length) to Lord , where 
 
 Lord Odious was also residing for a few days. Her 
 affectation of regard and her immeasurable regret 
 here became ridiculous. She had naw quite forgot 
 
 the rigid vestal the man hater, and conceived 
 
 that this appearance of sensibility gave her un air 
 d* interef, and took off from her years. She became 
 the object of general ridicule, and it was hinted to 
 her that, at her time of life, she could not expect 
 that a young man could think of her. This was still 
 more mortifying than all the rest. 
 
 Lord Odious, a wary and experienced rake, 
 a cold systematic seducer, a heartless libertine and 
 an ungenerous man, watched all her motions, and 
 
 conceived
 
 232 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 conceived that it would be no very difficult under- 
 taking to make lier his victim. There was no other 
 object at the castle, either to exercise his talent on 
 or to make the object of his triumphs. Lady Mil- 
 dew was not then, positively forbidding, and her 
 title gave a zest (to such a wretch as his Lordship) 
 to nmorous enterprize. He accordingly plied her with 
 a few attentions, vitiated her mind M'ith loose and 
 warm sentiments, and ultimately obtained his wishes. 
 Her age and want of attractions were not calculated 
 to ensure his friendship; and he afterwards made her 
 the object of his ridicule. In return for this. Lady 
 Mildew grew furious, which had no other effect than 
 to complete her exposure. The adventure, however, 
 passed in the country ; his Lordship went abroad for 
 many years ; and the tale died away as other tales 
 of scandal do» 
 
 Lady M. now assumed a more than ordinary 
 
 prudishncss ;
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 933 
 
 ^■r*^*^*^r^*^^^»^»^*^.»^-f^^r^.»~r.»>n 
 
 prudishness ; and is, I believe, a hater of the sex ; 
 but her severity towards her own is at least commen- 
 surate to her mistrust of the other. Returned to 
 England, Lord Odious was informed that her Ladv- 
 ship had not spared his name, although she took such 
 care to conceal her faux pas, that it was wholly 
 unknown to my mother, to myself, and to all our 
 relations. It will be a fine triumph, however, to 
 those females who have come under her lash, to have 
 this history spread abroad by his Lordship, whose 
 conduct last night is now fully explained. He is a 
 monster; but, I fear that there are, in high life, more 
 maiden aunts, and venerable vestal cousins situated 
 like her Ladyship, and who owe to their peccato celato 
 the immaculacy of their reputation. 
 
 Not content with unfolding the history of 
 
 Lady Mildew's adventure, young J amused us 
 
 with his own successes, and was proceeding a little 
 
 too
 
 234 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r-*sr*^.*^.#v^ 
 
 too much en detail, when my motlier cut him short, 
 and pleaded an engagement to get rid of him. ** Do 
 
 my dear Lady , let me read you these billets 
 
 doux from Lady A ," said he, " before I go. Not 
 
 that they rival those of his Grace of M to 
 
 F y D 5, which are to form our Christmas 
 
 amusement." But she obstinately negatived the pro- 
 posal : and we got disencumbered of him at last. 
 
 We were engaged to the play, and had taken 
 the stage box. Miss O'Neil was to perform ; and 
 the house was crowded with much of the quality and 
 
 fashion in town. Mrs. B m, that successfbl 
 
 leader of fashion, was of our party, as also our ec- 
 centric guardsman. That Narcissus R n, then 
 
 of the Life Guards, honored us with a call; and the 
 ultra affected D — s — y gave us a drop in for a few 
 minutes, just long enough to be perceived and to dis- 
 tract the surrounding spectators, to offend the ple- 
 beians
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 235 
 
 beians as he calls them, and to laugh at a murmur and 
 a partial hiss. 
 
 This, by the bye, is a sensible pleasure to an 
 Exquisite, or to a party composed of the very cream 
 of fashion, who invariably gaze contempt, look on 
 each other and smile their language of disregard for 
 public feeling, when, by littering at a deep scene of 
 tragedy, talking- loud and almost all together, so as 
 to drown the performance, or coming in late, they 
 annoy the middling ranks who came to attend to the 
 play. This is all very comme il faut: nay an unquali- 
 fied laugh, convulsing every hyper-elegant is quite 
 admissible if the vulgar around you are mopping 
 their tears up, or melting into sympathy at the tragic 
 scene. Ah ! qu'ils sont betes, is a very legitimate ex- 
 pression on such an occasion. 
 
 I had almost forgotten to name Lord James 
 
 Ladybird*
 
 936 THE METROPOLIS, 
 
 Ladybird, the royal aide-de-camp. He was fluttering 
 from box to box, and murmuring agreeable trifles into 
 divers ears, floating from one beauty to another, and 
 paying his brief visit to each female fashionable 
 in the house. The murmur of his voice, and his 
 culling the well bred trifles of the day reminded me* 
 of the following lineu of Guarini : 
 
 Dov' ape susurrando 
 
 Nei matutini albori, 
 
 Vola suggendo i rugiadosi amori. 
 He is certainly one of fashion's insect train ; but 'tis 
 a good creature after all. There were also present 
 
 the dashrng Lady Ann C n S th, the dancing 
 
 Count de L'ai le. Lady F. Fitz , the com- 
 mercial Dandy, Lady W r, who honored her 
 
 husband with the name of a stupid beast and seems 
 to be wedded only to his property, Colonel Bow — r, 
 
 the Duke and Duchess of A , sitting like two 
 
 tame caged doves. General V s and Colonel 
 
 H— n— Y
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 23^ 
 
 **^»^*^^^.^^-f^^-»^^^^*^^^.*^^^*^'»*-^******j'***j^* 
 
 H> — u — y of the Guards, so generally and so de- 
 servedly favorites, the faded Sophia M s, with 
 
 many more too tedious to mention. 
 
 I shall now say a few words of our two national 
 theatres. The existence of the one absolutely neces- 
 sitates the existence of the other. This I was let 
 
 into by Lord B , and by some of the high life 
 
 committee. For the one is to the other, just what 
 the opposition m Parliament is, namely a check and 
 a stimulus to the other; else would the manager 
 grow lazy and economical, and we should have a 
 family party on our boards, or something in English 
 nearly as below par as our foreigners of the Argyle 
 theatre. The existence, however, of two such ex- 
 tensive theatres is the cause of their debts and in- 
 cumbrance. Yet, out of this evil, arises a benefit to 
 the public, which the rivalry of the two houses pro- 
 duces, neither of which can yield to the other in 
 
 point
 
 S38 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 point of performers, performances, dresses, dcoora- 
 
 i 
 
 lioHs, scenery and expense. i 
 
 i 
 
 With respect to Miss O'Neil, her concetti are | 
 
 admirable ; but she has always extacy or agony before \ 
 her eyes — the stupor of incipient madness, or the 
 convulsed expression of distress. Her love is deli- ; 
 rium ; her fear is annihilation ; her anger is despair: j 
 — if she die it is in torture; if she veep it is in tor- 
 rents, and sobbed out in horrifying tones : that hys- : 
 terical laugh of hers is wonderfully pourtrayed, but j 
 too often exhibited: in a word, she studies more the j 
 anguish of passion and the excess of suffering than ( 
 the graceful attitude, and the pompous dignity of 
 tragedy, the euphony of grief, and the magic of i 
 mild female attraction. Consequently her parts are | 
 over acted ; her shriek almost threw me into fits ; 1 
 and whenever she falls, I tremble for a compound • 
 fracture of a limb. Charles Phillips, the bard of | 
 
 Erin,
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 239 
 
 Erin, has beautifully pourtrayed her as Juliet in the 
 sixth edition of " The Emerald Isle." He is said 
 to have produced this sketch completely con amove. 
 
 In quitting the theatre, the crowd was im- 
 mense; the constables could not do their duty ; ear- 
 rings were torne out ; purses and trinkets, watches 
 and handkerchiefs stoien ; ladies knocked down; 
 carriages broken ; and many other accidents occurred. 
 I was leaning on my cousin's, from Eton, arm ; b»t 
 the pressure of the crowd was so great, that I was 
 violently separated from my party ; both our footmen 
 were knocked down ; and I was lost in the crowd, 
 and petrified with fear for a injnute or more. In this 
 miserable situation, a very elegant young man, bear- 
 ing the decoration of a foreign order, offered his 
 protection, and saved me from being trampled under 
 foot. Although thus decorated he was an English- 
 man ; and I felt confidence in the bravery and honor
 
 240 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 **^ ***^-»^»~*^»^»-^'*^.r*-.»^.»-*^t^.r^»^.r-r^** *■*■■*■»■**■ ^■t*^*^*.»-^.f.f'^- 
 
 of a British officer. He succeeded in finding my 
 mother and a portion of our party, and in bringing 
 lis to our carriage ; but we could not venture inlo it, 
 on account of the pannels being spht by the ])()le of a 
 chariot belonging to Count P . 
 
 During this Fracas the Honorable ******* 
 ****** was employed in punishing (as he termed it) 
 a hackney coachman. He was greatly commended 
 for his science by some fashionable Ruffians of his 
 acquaintance, and lauded, in the highest terras, by 
 the mob, for what they, very genteelly^ called his 
 pluck, and his giving the fellow fair play ; for a ring 
 was formed. To me all this appeared savage, de- 
 grading and abominable, and only tended to excite 
 my disgust and to increase my alarm. The nonsense 
 of the gentlemen-millers was ahnost unintelligible to 
 
 me ; but I heard young B 1, the Baronet's son, 
 
 cfy> go it *******^ that's your sort; whilst an- 
 other.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 241 
 
 Other, with a tooth-pick in his mouth, observed, 
 *' Coachee, you've picked up an ugly customer there,*' 
 (and addressing the Honorable) " deal it out to hira, 
 my good fellow." Surely such scenes occur amongst 
 getiilemm, in Edigland only ! 
 
 Our chevalier now put into his own carriage 
 arid walked home, requesting the permission to enquire 
 alfter our health the next day. We missed my dear 
 brother on this occasion ; for I must observe, he had 
 now gone to rejoin his regiment, and we were actually 
 very uneasy at not hearing from him. What a horrid 
 thing is an English mob, witness the disgraceful 
 scenes at the hustings, at CoventGarden, mobbing of 
 the foreigners of distinction the last peace but one, 
 the rude and brutal treatment of the Duke and 
 Duchess of Cambridge almost sacrificed to John Bull's 
 vulgar curiosity. Abroad all h order at a thiatre. 
 Xhe iniUt^ry keep all ii subordination. Honor is 
 
 afforded
 
 942 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 aft'orded lo nobility ; aud respect is shown by the 
 ' inferior to the superior classes. But I remember when 
 making these remarks to my relation the admiral, he 
 coolly observed, that our constitution did not permit 
 of the general interference and government of the 
 military ; and that, such a John Bull was he, l^e 
 had rather see me squeezed in a crowd, than that 
 crowd trampled down by the military, or the people 
 oppressed by an absolute government. I bowed 
 submission. 
 
 Our gallant defender paid his morning visit; 
 and to our astonishment, we recognized his counte- 
 nance. He had served with the Sicilian army ; and 
 had met us, or rather had followed us (for his tour 
 was not purely the effect of chance), to Florence, to 
 Naples, to Pisa, to Rome and to many other places. 
 We lost sight of him at Paris, and thus picked him 
 up ^t.the theatre. When he ended his visit, my 
 
 mother
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 243 
 
 mother gave him an invitation to dine with us in three 
 days after; and we both agreed that he was a most 
 amiable, charming man. We wondered at the same 
 time how he never got introduced to us abroad; but 
 there was a reason which he not very long afterwards 
 explained. 
 
 The post now brought us a packet from my 
 brother. It was opened with thrilling anxiety; and 
 it contained an account of the perils which he had 
 undergone by sea ; but consoled us on account of 
 his delivery and present safety. He had lost every 
 thing which he' possessed, and drew on my mother 
 for a large sum. This was answered with heartfelt 
 readiness ; but her banker breaking at the same time, 
 very ranch distressed her. I mention this circum- 
 stance as connected with our bistorv.
 
 ^44 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 CHAPTER XT. 
 
 >T HEN ^ve liad recovered from the successive emo- 
 tions of doubt, fear and rejoicing, we were plunged 
 into the greatest surprize by receiving a letter, with- 
 out name and evidently written in a feigned hand, 
 regretting my mother's pecuniary loss, and covering 
 a bank note for one thousnnd pounds. Many apo- 
 logies were made for the liberty thus taken ; and in 
 case the sum was of no use, she was requested to 
 return it directed to A. B. to be left at Ransom and 
 Go's the bankers in Pall Mall. The verj- delicate 
 epistle concluded by saying that a time might come 
 when the writer would make himself known; and, in 
 
 the interim, Lady might rely upon it that he 
 
 was a sincere, respectful, and silent friend, and that 
 his writing this letter was known to no one upon 
 
 earth*
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 245 
 
 earth. My mother immediately ordered her carriage 
 and went to the banker to return the money ; but 
 could discover nothtog more than that the bankers 
 had orders, iu case a parcel came directed thus, to 
 take it iu. They knew the person for whom it was 
 Tneant, who very often received lettws thus addressed, 
 in consequence of acts of benevolence performed 
 secretly ; but they dared not reveal his name. 
 
 It struck me that it might come from our 
 eccentric guardsman, and 1 taxed him with it at the 
 Opera; but his answer was, "I protest that it is not 
 I, nor will I take merit to myself for what I have no 
 
 share in ; me, I never did a generous action in 
 
 my life ; it would be too much trouble. Believe me, 
 I am a d— — selfish fellow ; love N". one singularly ; 
 consult my own pleasures, my own ease, my looks, 
 my comforts as much as any fellow. No fellow puts 
 4]imself less out of the way than I ; but as to the 
 Vol. I. M d
 
 246 THE M£TROPOl/tg. 
 
 d dress, if you want a thousand I can lend it 
 
 you ; 'tis a mere bagatelle ; I often lose as much at 
 play, or throw it away in some foolish pursuit; your 
 Ladyship may have the money if you like U/* This 
 1 declined. 
 
 " Look at that d Tramezani," cried he, 
 
 on our dropping the subject ; " see the fellow making 
 a leg for some dowager Lady. The town has spoiled 
 that fellow; the silly women have turned his head, 
 1 am told that he receives as many love letters in a 
 morning as would paper his room, and gets as many 
 presents as a successful Cyprian ; I hate the fellow, 
 and all affected fellows." *' Do you," said I, bearing 
 a little on the last word. *' I do from the bottom of 
 my heart, myself excepted," answered he: "But 
 
 who would have thought that Miss Prudent ia 
 
 would have made advances to the fellow ? Apropos, 
 I must go to Lady Lovcjoy's box, to hear a matter of 
 
 •' . great
 
 THE METROPOLIS. '247 
 
 *.<■ >^*^.*^*^.*^^^ J 
 
 great moment — nothing less than the faux pas of a 
 relation of mine ; but I will not tell it to any one 
 until I am quite certain. The papers are full of 
 nothing but these affairs now o'days. By Juno, you 
 are as sure of meeting one at your breakfast as you 
 are of seeing the Lottery puff. Day and Martin's 
 blacking, and advertisements of quack medicines 
 which promise us a continuance of youth and enjoy- 
 ment ^wa//e cenercy as the Italians say. But I must 
 be off. Will you have what I offer?" " No." «' Then 
 sans adieitx. The devil is in the woman. I am not 
 very often refused: but — your most obedient," 
 
 We had now a sort of a bow from the insipid 
 
 W y C n ; 1 say a sort of bow, for his 
 
 head was literally in the stocks, and his stavs so 
 tight laced that he could scarcely breathe. Our 
 bending belles who have a penchant pour tout le 
 monde, and our straight laced beaux who cannot 
 M 2 stoop
 
 24-8 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 |^^«^s^^.^^/^^y^#s^^^^^4k^.^^^y^^^.^^^^^^^^^^»^s»^^#^/^^y^#s^^#^ 
 
 stoop to any condescension, form a curious contrast. 
 The old banker was also in his box and fell asleep. 
 Wi4;h all his money, I should be sorry to have such a 
 
 sleeping partner in my house. Lady L r J 
 
 looked enchantingly. She again is a fine contrast to 
 
 her cold, stiff, ministerial spouse. Miss S r of 
 
 doubtful origin, to whom a lithping thing, just come 
 from Italy, made the following pun indicative of lier 
 name^ Tu sd Amor, was there also. 
 
 We were saluted with fans by about a dozen 
 at once, and acknowledged by the proud Marquess 
 
 of D and his most accomplished wife. His 
 
 Lordship looked like any thing but an Englishman. 
 The black Dandy also favored us with a nod, as did 
 Lord Clumsy and his rib, just come from Paris. Sir 
 W. W. spluttered at us just as if his mouth was filled 
 with hot cockles ; and his brotlier gave us a squeak 
 iiot verj unlike that of a mouse in the agony of being 
 
 entrapped.
 
 Tlin METROPOXTS. 9'49 
 
 entrapped. Lord E — seemed to cut us, on account, 
 probably, of the failure of the bauker; and a certain 
 
 upstart commoner H r, raised into notice by the 
 
 profts^ional abilities of his father, quite made love to 
 me, conceiving that the loss of for-tune makes titled 
 flames very easy of access. Doubtless he has found 
 it so ; but here- be was mistaken. Lady N'ewfangle 
 aiso favored us with five minutes visit in our box. 1 
 stftrfl g\xe her at full length hereafter. She i» the 
 wife of a nobleman, but sprung from trade, rich, 
 talkative and ridiculous, with the very worst taste in 
 the world. I never see her but I think of what Gil 
 Bias said to the Archbishop of Grenada : " Je vous 
 souhaife fovfes sortes de prosperite, avec tm pen plus de 
 gout:' 
 
 Our faithful follower and new acquaintance, 
 
 whom I shall hereafter designate Fidelio, did not fail 
 
 to pay his devoirs; and, from his air of confusion 
 
 M 3 and
 
 250 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 and timidity, I had no doubt but that he was the 
 anonymous offerer of the thousand. I taxed him 
 Avith it ; but he denied it most obstinately. We now 
 met with some travelling friends ; and we enjoyed the 
 proud superiority of talking of foreign countries, of 
 scenery, of festivals, of foreign Courts and of virtu. 
 There is no place of amusement, in my mind, so 
 polished as the Opera. The middling classes and 
 even les nouveaux parvenus, do not enjoy it. They 
 look grave, they applaud mechanically, they do not 
 observe the point in comic operas, and but hajf con- 
 ceive the exquisite taste in harmony. The recitative, 
 in Avhich I delight, fatigues them ; and the ballet is 
 the only thing which they can share the pleasure of 
 with their more polished and travelled neighbours. A 
 drawing-room and the Opera, are alike in this, that 
 both are above the vulgar; they know nobody at 
 cither ; they indeed are like fish out of water, dry, 
 heated, tired and out of place. 
 
 In
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 951 
 
 III the course of conversation 'this night, I 
 mentioned our escape from the robbers ; and Fidelio 
 informed us that he had nearly fallen a victim to tliem 
 also, and merely escaped by the swiftness of his 
 horses. He added a circumstance of atrocity to their 
 proceedings, which was unknown to me until tlien. 
 It was that they had, in the forest, taken possession 
 of a ruined and deseited castle, and made it weather 
 tight. They had also barricadoed, and, in a nianiier, 
 fortified it, by a portcullis, a fosse, &c. Here were 
 dungeons and subterraneous passages, gloomy cells, 
 and catacombs, bars, bolts and iron chains. Not 
 content to rob and murder on the high road or 
 elsewhere, by a refinement of cruelty, they sometimes 
 led their living victims to this infernal mansion. There, 
 by starvation and torture, they forced discoveries of 
 where property was to be got, and made some of their 
 writhing victims draw drafts on their bankers, dated 
 from some other place, accompanied by letters stating 
 M 4 that
 
 252 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 that they were taken ill at such a place, detained 
 unexpectedly on their journey, with divers other 
 modes of accounting for the draft, which these mon- 
 sters first negociated and then dispatched Iheir prey. 
 Aftey this recital, I cannot wonder at these monsters 
 being destroyed and gibbeted in order to be a terror.to. 
 otters. 
 
 When Fi deli o left us for a time (for- he returned 
 to conduct us to our carriage) I overheard the convert 
 sation of the neighbouring box. It was upon the 
 iubjeet which our grand Exquisite had broached ; and 
 was as follows. " Who would have thought that Lady 
 
 , of all women in the world, would, at her mature 
 
 time of life, have so lost herself ^ Her's was> how- 
 ever, not a common case. Women in general expose 
 themselves, by their vanity, by their impatience of 
 controul, by their blind security, or levity of conduct. 
 Evident partialities, marked preference on the one 
 
 side.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 253 
 
 r9^^t^*^»-^-»y^^4^-t 
 
 side, and assiduous attentions on the other, give cause 
 of suspicion. Thence arises dryness towards tlve 
 legitimate partner, and mysterious conduct. Some 
 good natured relation (as in the case of Sir Thomas 
 
 S^ and Madame la Banquiere) interferes, watches, 
 
 pries and gives out bints. Servants are put in requi- 
 
 sitioHy and^ the affair is blown : or some d old 
 
 maid (remember 'tis a gentleman who is speaking) 
 sighs and regrets, and gives advice and throws out 
 hints, and the husband is put on his guard, and all is 
 discovered? or the fair delinquent gets over-impas- 
 sioned and must elope with her paramour, either for 
 fashion or for passion's sake. (A loud laugh.) 
 
 My mother thought this subject a bad one, 
 aad tried to turn aside my attention ; but the 
 curiosity inseparable from my sex, and my mutinous 
 and rebellious ears were deaf to her conversation ; but 
 quite alive to tlie improper subject. ** La vtritk est 
 M 5 nia
 
 254 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ma deviser* I speak truth equally for or against myself. 
 I caught the continued thread of the subject at this 
 passage. 
 
 ** In the present instance, none of these com- 
 mon disclosures have taken place; no imprudence has 
 placed a guard over all her actions ; no partiality was 
 suspected, until all at once, a refinement of feeling, 
 an aching bosom and a proud spirit conspire to drive 
 the faithless fair to an unexpected, unwelcome and 
 unnecessary confession. She throws herself at her 
 husband's feet, and acknowledges herself to be un- 
 worthy of his confidence ; his smiles (she says) assas- 
 sinate her; his kindness drives her to despair; the 
 sight of her children betray her re-ason ; she can no 
 longer live in such a state; she must fly from the 
 world; but, above all, from her injured lord. This 
 is purely a maladie Anglaise, a sentimental delirium, 
 a practical romance. Here, in a moment, have doubts 
 
 been
 
 THE METROPOLIS. ^55 
 
 been thrown upon the ties which bound a father to 
 his children. For my own part," continued the 
 speaker, " I consider her last imprudence the greatest 
 of her Hfe. A French woman would have known 
 
 better ; but 'tis all over with Lady , for Lady 
 
 Mildew has got the story, and she is calling the poor 
 penitent all the monsters on earth.*' 
 
 Here Fidelio made his appearance again, and 
 my continued attention to this account made me 
 forget the performance. The curtain was just about 
 to drop: so let us drop the subject and throw a veil 
 over this self punished offender. Fidelio saw us to 
 our carriage ; and my good mother preached a sermon 
 on our road home. Its moral was, that guilt, how- 
 ever concealed, will always come out at last ; that an 
 illicit passion is its own destroyer; that jealousies, 
 humiliations, desertion, self-reproach mar all its 
 
 hours
 
 256 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 hours of enjoyment; that what the blind paramour 
 takes for a bed of roses, is a couch whose pillow 
 is planted with thorns ; that divorced wives are 
 always suspected — always despised ; and that the 
 author of their shame is, frequently, their severest 
 censor. 
 
 All this ray good mother enlarged upon, and 
 added ten times more ; but, to my shame be it 
 spoken, I forgot it all, whilst I perfectly remembered 
 the scandal, and could not help pitying the poor 
 weak woman. On my arrival at home, I eat like 
 one who had taavelled all day, drank some Madeira 
 and water, and was preparing to say buona notte, 
 to my carissima madre, when a letter, in the same 
 band as that which contained the offer of money, 
 was presented to me. I opened it eagerly, and 
 shall communicate its contents in the following 
 
 chapter.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 957 
 
 chapter. Poor Lady , I dreamed of her all 
 
 night ; but bisogna riposarme, for I must not forget 
 that I have been in Italv.
 
 S58 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 ■»^***^^*^^^-^*^*^4^^^^ A^ A^.A^#s#^ A^ ^ > 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 The subject of this letter was to inform me that I 
 had thrown my heart away on one who had forgotten 
 me ; that the Duke was, abroad, the gayest of the 
 gay ; and that he had formed an attachment for a hella 
 signorina,^ At first, I treated this information with 
 contempt. I almost justified him. What claim had 
 I on him 1 It was decided that we were never to be 
 united ; but, such is the pride of a woman's heart, 
 that I felt, in spite of every eflfort, wounded in the 
 most tender point. I could not, placidly, relinquish 
 the affections of one who had first gained possession 
 of my decided preference. A very able French 
 author tells us that woman is jealous, " meme avant 
 que d'aimer;" audi believe that he is right. Where 
 our pride is in being preferred, we are even jealous 
 
 before
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 259 
 
 ► ^^»»»»>^*^^^^^^^<^»^*^»s»^■»■»^^<vr.»^^^^^<^/^»^«^»»^^.*^>■»<^^^ 
 
 before we are in love. But the truth is that mine was 
 an early and a sincere attachraent. There were shades 
 and links in it, too fine, too fascinating to be described, 
 and although I was driven from myself by amusements, 
 by company, by change of scene, by <"onstant occu- 
 pation, and frequently attempted to be estranged 
 from my attachment by reports of his indifference, of 
 bis failings aud of his change, yet, do what I would, 
 I might truly say, 
 
 But ever and anon of griefs subdued, 
 
 There comes a token like a scorpion's sticg. 
 
 Scarce seen but with fresh bitteniess imbued ; 
 
 And slight withal may be the things which bring 
 
 Back on the heart the weight which it would fling 
 
 Aside for ever. It may be a sound — 
 
 A tone of music — summer's eve — or spring, 
 
 A flower — the wind — the ocean — which shall 
 
 wound. 
 Striking the electric chain wherein we are darkly 
 bound.
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 f*^*r*^ 
 
 This letter had thrown me into the deepest 
 distress, in spite of all the first attempts to parry the 
 blow which it struck to my heart, in spite of my 
 womanish, would-be scorn — my retaliative spirit which 
 told me that it was beneath my dignity to waste my 
 affection on one who was so changeful, so cold, so 
 indifferent towards me. I prepared to dress. I 
 l^ooked over a dozen dresses : I turned over again and 
 again all my finery : it would not do. I tried to make 
 myself " look provoking," as the song says : I wished 
 to be delightful to all but to the Duke, to captivate all 
 hearts and to be indifferent to them all, — to make 
 myself of such beauty^ worth and consequence as 
 would constitute me an object of regret at some 
 future period to my inconstant. I even planned the 
 flirting with Fidelio, in order that the report might ge 
 abroad. Would it mortify the false swaiu ! 
 
 All would not do. My dresses displeased me, 
 
 I looked
 
 TITE METROPOLIS. 2Cl 
 
 *>^*.r*./^/^/^#^#vrJ 
 
 I looked horribly; I felt none of the amiable fcUe 
 necessary for flirtatioD> for shining ia society. I 
 cfuarrelled with my maid ; I then shed tears, when 
 a4one, for being so hasty, so bad tempered. It was 
 not the poor girl's fault. I dried up my tears for fear 
 that I should be thought in love ; I called back my 
 atttiiidant, and gave her a couple of dresses. *' There," 
 said J, ** I haye got out of conceit with these dresses ; 
 I shall not wear them any more; but they will make 
 up nicely for you ; and " (in a subdued tone of voice) 
 " I have been rather harsh with you this morning. I 
 am out. of spirits; I am not very well; my nerves are 
 so very weak that I start at the very opening or 
 shutting of a door. One is not" (in a kind tone) " you 
 know, always in.the same spirits." 
 
 The poor girl, who is greatly attached to nre, 
 burst into tears. " Indeed, my Lady," replied she, 
 *' you are the best of mistresses — the most generous, 
 
 the
 
 262 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 the most considerate, the most kind. It is my duty 
 to bear with any unevenness of your temper, if it 
 existed ; but you are always good to me. I dare say 
 I was very awkward about your Ladyship this morn- 
 ing*. I am all of a flustration since last night. Some- 
 thing has happened which has vexed me grievously ; 
 but it a'nt worth troubling your Ladyship about. A 
 thousand thanks for your generosity. I'm sure I'll 
 wear the dresses 'till there a'nt a rag of them, for 
 your Ladyship's sake." *' Not quite so long, Susan," 
 said I, " both for my sake and your own ; for you 
 shall have other dresses long before they are worn 
 out. You are a good girl; take away the dresses, 
 and return to dress me in an hour." She left the 
 room, smiling through a tear, I felt that slie was a 
 sister; and so pleased with her was I, that I could 
 have liked to have taken her to my arms, had not 
 the world's fetters and tiiat cruel word, propriety, 
 said no, 
 :r I now
 
 THE METROPOLIS. 263 
 
 I now took up my harp. Nothing is more 
 soothing than the concord of sweet sounds. Music 
 always calms the agitation of my mind, lulls it into a 
 kind of pleasing dream, and awakens every sympathy 
 of my heart. My eye now fell on some pieces which 
 I had learned in my earliest years. One song ia 
 particular, now almost obsolete, struck my fancy : 
 its accompaniment for the harp is of a gentle melan- 
 choly nature. It recalled to mc tiie days of my very 
 early youth, tender friendships, early habits; and, 
 although no longer in fashion, I recommend it to my 
 female readers who are harpists : *tis from the imagi- 
 nation of Milico : its words begin with 
 
 " Ho sparso tanto lagrime 
 
 " Per amolir ti il cor." 
 
 I was recovering a little when a violent knock 
 came to the door. I flew away from my harp, as it 
 did not accord with "not at home." In the interval 
 
 of
 
 254 THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r^^^^^^*-^#vs*\^^^s*v^^^^\^^^^y^^^^^#^*^*i^.^r^' 
 
 of learning the nature of the visit announced in thun- 
 der (for thus our demi deities of fashion proudly 
 announce themselves when they visit us), I learned 
 my poor waiting-woman's story. A plan had been 
 laid, by Lord Odious, to ensuare, her virtue, and to 
 ruin her reputation. An old wonian wiis detached 
 with a parcel as if coming from her friends in the 
 country ; and she was invited to go to a house where 
 she would hear of something for her good. She heed- 
 lessly obeyed the summons; and after much gc«d 
 advicje from a female old monster, to better herself 
 by. leaving me, she. was introduced to Lord Odious. 
 Wine and presents were displayed before her; pro- 
 mises were lavishly made ; and at lasi, to persuasion. 
 and flattery, threats and violence succeeded.. The 
 detail is odious and horrid to humanity. Nature re- 
 volts at sucli scenes ; yet they do exist, and that in 
 
 high life too. Lords and well know 
 
 it. Their female ambassadi'esses. Mistresses F. W. 
 
 W. &C.
 
 TfcfE METROPOLIS. OQj 
 
 W. (fee. &c. are versed iis these wiles. Suffice it to 
 S3jy that my poor girl escaped, and that the odious 
 peer was disappointed. 
 
 Should Lord D peruse this chapter, let 
 
 hiin remember his brutal violence to a chambermaid 
 in the north of England, wh© fractured her leg in 
 jumping out of a window in order to avoid his 
 infamous approaches. Such men are a blot upon 
 nobility, a stain upon the character of man, a dis- 
 grace to humanity. The unfortunate girl in question 
 is related to my maid. 
 
 When I had heard her ar-tless relation of this 
 Aile affair, I enquired respecting the noise at our 
 
 gate. It was lady H who called personally and 
 
 dropped an invitation-card for a dinner party at H 
 
 House, that focus of literary fashion, that centre of 
 attraction for all the titled publishers and needy 
 
 flattering
 
 ^6" THE METROPOLIS. 
 
 r^S#N**** 
 
 flattering authors in town, particularly of the saffron 
 and blue tinge. My brother pretends that Lord 
 
 H and Lady Caroline L are like amber, 
 
 particularly the latter, and draw straws, shreds, and 
 all kinds of trash towards them by their attractiveness. 
 
 Fidelio next paid his visit; and I strongly 
 suspected that the second letter, as well as the pecuni- 
 ary offer of assistance, had for motive to detach me 
 from my first attachment, and to draw me towards 
 himself. Vanity! my reader will say perhaps; but 
 we are all more or less vain. I shall be excessively so 
 if I amuse my reader, who at all events will learn some 
 truths, unwelcome to a few town-friends ; but, n'im- 
 porte. 
 
 The space of time which passed betwixt our 
 attending a dinner of the talents (some of the admi- 
 nistration and some of minor talents which pass 
 
 current
 
 THE METROPOLIS.. 257 
 
 current and for sterling at H — Hdusc) was filled 
 with* the blanks of ordinary fashionable life, visits, 
 airings, rides in the Park, dust-gathering, the fatigue 
 of trifles, the sameness of public places, dull routs, 
 and duller conversazioni. I shall therefore, in the 
 next chapter, conduct my readers straight forward 
 
 to H House, and into the circle which is to 
 
 be found there. 
 
 END OF THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 M. Brewn, Printer, 86, St. Martin's Lane
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILUN0I9-URBANA 
 
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