822 B7G4t Bridgeman, John Vipon, 1819-1889. Little red riding hood. Contents: Little red riding hood. Where's your wife. ROYAL ENGLISH OPERA, ( COVENT GARDEN. Hew iptmtomrfltT HTTLE RED RIDING HOOD: OR, HARLEQUIN AND THE VOLF IN GRANNY’S CLOTHING. ) S MR. J. V. BRIDGEMAN AND ^ MR. H. SUTHERLAND EDWARDS. \ PRICE SIXPENCE. * PUBLISHED AND SOLD IN THE THEATRE. .72 t 1859 . ROYAL ENGLISH OPERA, * COYENT GARDEN. (The |lcw |lantomimc. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: OR, HARLEQUIN AND THE YOLF IN GRANNY’S CLOTHING, BY MR. J. Y. BRIDGEMAN AND MR. H. SUTHERLAND EDWARDS. PUBLISHED AND SOLD IN THE THEATRE. • - 1859. I JOHN K. CHAPMAN AND COMPANY, 5 , SHOE LANE, AND PETERBOROUGH COURT, FLEET STREET. AXl. DRAMATIS PERSONAS. CHARACTERS IN THE PROIOGUS, Music....:. Miss MORTIMER. Italian Opera . Miss RANOE. English Opera . Miss EMILY BURNS. Pantomime.. . Miss CRAYEN. CHARACTERS IN THE STO»Y. * The very wicked Baron .. (afterwards Wolf\) Roberto (his head man,) . Colin (in love with Little Red Rid¬ ing Hood—afterwards Harlequin,) , Little Red Riding Hood .. (afterwards Columbine,) Old Granny . (afterwards Pantaloon,) The Wolf by a Great Brute (afterwards Clown,) Mr. W. H. PAYNE. Mr. EREDERICK PAYNE. Mr. HENRY PAYNE. Miss CLARA MORGAN. Mr. BARNES. Mr. ELEXMORE. Rustics, Guards, Eootmen, &c., &c. Queen Moss Rose (Protectress of Little Red Riding Hood,) Fairy Rosebud. Cupid . Miss ELLESMERE. Miss FRANCKS. Miss WILLIAMS. WealthMna (the Evil Genius \ tit d \ f Miss MORRELL. aiding the Wealthy Baron ,) j Fairies, Sylphides, &c., by the Corps de Ballet. First Produced at the Royal English Opera, Covent Garden, on Monday, December 27th, 1858. A' A 4 w LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD; OR, HARLEQUIN AND THE WOLF IN GRANNY’S CLOTHING. Scene I.—THE CLOUDS—FLOAT LOW, STAGE DARK. Enter Italian Opera, r., she has a Policeman's bull' s-eye in her hand to light her on her ivay. Music enters at same time , l. Italian Opera’s bull's-eye flashes in Music’s face. Music. (rubbing her eyes and startled.) Halloa! who’s that? why surely it’s the comet! Ital. Gp. You’ve just read 44 Punch,” and taken that thought from it;— I am Italian Opera.—Who are you ? Music. The Genius of Music—How d’ye do ? ItaL Op. (rushing up to her and shaking hands.) Forgive me, mother, being such a dunce, As not to recognise your face at once, But really ’tis so dark here, near and far, Do what I can, I can’t perceive a star; I think they’ve all gone out. Music. I beg your pardon ; We’ve stars enough, I think, at Covent Garden, In the new house. Ital. Op. What ? Music. Are you not aware That English Opera is located there ? 6 Ital. Op. No, I was not; at least, I mean to say, I only heard the fact the other day; 44 But as a simple rumour, nothing more ; 46 So I resolved, in order to make sure, 44 To visit London, though ’tis not my season ; 44 I started off- Music . Oh, now I see the reason”* Why you are here I’m ver}^ glad to meet you. Ital. Op. But tell me, mother, quickly, I entreat you, All that has happened since I’ve been away. Music . I will, my child, but stop a minute, stay— Where is she ? Ital. Op. Where is who ? Music. Your younger sister. Ital. Op. What, English Opera? Music . Yes ; I had not miss’d her An instant since. [English Opera heard humming , 44 1 am the Queen , ha ! ha /” I think I hear her coming. Ital. Op. I can hear nothing save a kind of humming. Music. The only hum about her, since, forsooth, She’s now a great and well-established truth, Approved by all, and disapproved by none. [Music. Enter English Opera, with a hound , r.h. 1 e. You’re very warm, love. Eng. Op. I’ve had such a run. Ital. Op. How are you, sister ? [ Shales hands. Eng. Op. Thank you, I'm quite hearty. Music, {looking at English Opera with maternal affection.) Now, is not she a jolly little party ? Ital. Op. Yes, that she is! I certainly must own Since last I saw her she has vastly grown; She’s quite a woman: and, if I’m not wrong, As big as I. Music. And nearly, too, as strong. Ital. Op. Nay, mother— Music. Why, you know it’s all quite true. Who hits the public half as hard as you ? * The lines between inverted commas are omitted in represen¬ tation. 7 Eng. Op Music. Eng. Op. Music. ltal. Op. Music. Ital. Op. Music. Ital. Op. Music. False modesty is foolish ; I confess, I’m what the papers term a great success ; Not for my own poor talent, but because The public ne’er withhold their kind applause, If once they find this maxim you pursue: Keep faith with them, and they’ll keep faith with you. That’s the right course. Of course it is, dear mother. You’ll never find me follow any other. The first thing’s honesty. Oh ! what a pity You’re not a Bank Director in the City ! She’s got some gumption. Yes, she’s very clever. (7b Italian Opera.) You feel no jealousy ? Oh, none whatever. Between the two I’m very glad to see The absence of all foolish rivalry. For ne’er forget, an instant, one and t’other, You both are children of the self same mother. [.Shakes their hands- (To Italian Opera) You are the elder, and, I think must own, I’ve constantly a mother’s fondness shown. Yes, that you have. When, three short years ago, The flames had laid old Covent Garden low, And Fate decreed that nothing should remain Of what to Art was once a sacred fane, Save one black mass that charr’d and smouldering lay, A sight of sorrow to the grieving day, What did I do? Desert you in your need ? Indulge in fruitless tears? Not I, indeed! I set my faith on something that has hurled Ere now defiance to a hostile world— On something which was never known to fail,— On something which for ever must prevail ’Gainst native feuds and foreign interference— That’s British pluck and British perseverance. In a short time, as though by magic reared, Like to the fabled Phoenix, there appeared 8 A finer, statelier theatre than the last— A noble present offered to the past — Ital. Op. Noble indeed! Wherever 1 may roam, No place approaches my sweet English home. I fain would prove my gratitude— Music. The task Is very easy. Ital. Op. How so, may I ask ? Music. All you’ve to do is simple—’tis to share Your English home with that young lady there. \_Points to English Opera. Ital. Op. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Music, ( Approvingly , and patting her on the hack ) Good girl. Eng. Op. I thank you, sister, beyond measure. [ Curtseys. I long have yearned for this; but ’twas a boon I did not wish to ask of you too soon. I wanted first to see how matters went, And with a smaller place I w r as content. But now my patron's, bless ’em, rally round me, In such large crowds, as really to astound me. In all the theatre sometimes not a corner Is vacant, big enough for small Jack Horner. So now my doubts have vanished, and at length, Thanks to the public, I know all my strength, And trust, while gazing on their well-pleased faces, I am established on a solid basis. Ital. Op. I’m glad to hear it, and I much approve The course you’ve taken. You did right to move Into my house. You know, that for a season I'm absent every year.—I see no reason You should not always do the same—do you? Eng. Op. No. Music. It’s a bargain struck between the two. Ital. Op. Agreed ! Eng. Op. Agreed ! Music. Agreed! \Lightsup. Pantomime, who has entered r.h. 1 E., now steps down. Good, so say I! Provided I’ve a finger in the pie. Pant. 9 Music. What pie ? Ital. Op. Whose pie ? Eng. Op. Who are you ? Pant. Don’t you know me ? Eng. Op. Not I— Ital. Op. Nor I— Music. Nor I— Pant. You don’t—then blow me—■ My name is Pantomime—I’ve come to proffer My services. Eng. Op. I must decline your offer. What ! you at Covent Garden ? Pant. And why not ? In years gone by it was my favorite spot. Ital. Op. But times are changed. Pant. Aye, so they are, my Phillis; Tempora mutantur, but not nos in illis. Believe me, that in this, as every time, An Englishman will like a Pantomime. Ital. Op. It’s only fit for children. Pant, {curtseys.) Pray, excuse me, If I say frankly your remarks amuse me ; Fathers and mothers, nay, e’en “ men” from college, With all-round collars, and much (useless) knowledge, Are still, at heart—tho’ perhaps to own it, loath— All merely children of a larger growth. Whenever did the Clown fail to provoke a Smile, e’en on their lips, with that red hot poker ? Ital. Op. But then you’re vulgar. Pant, {turning to English Opera.) Surely she forgets, I am connected with the Sommersets! Still with good-breeding all my acts shall tally; I promise I won’t introduce “Aunt Sally.” Eng. Op. Well, I consent. Pant. You do ? Eng. Op. Yes, there’s my hand. [Gives him her hand. Pant. Then off we start at once for fairy land. j Hand in hand , L. Music. 10 Scene II.—THE KINGDOM OF ROSES, AND FLORAL HOME OF QUEEN MOSS-ROSE. Ballet des Fleubs. Roses and Rosebuds Dancing. Cupid enters. Roses and Rosebuds start back in affright. Cupid. Nay, don’t be frightened. Oh, yon darling! [_Seizes hold of Rosebud and kisses her , with a load smack . NAe &o#£S his ear ; he puts his hand up to it. Bother! Rosebud. Young man, one smack’s deserving of another. Cupid. I should not have believed you had such strength—r I meant no harm. Rosebud. Then keep, sir, at Aarm’s length. Cupid. Don’t be so prudish, sweet one. \_Gces up and attempts to take hold of her again . Rosebud. Stand off, stupid ! Cupid. You know you like it.! Rosebud . Do I ? Cupid. My name’s Cupid. Rosebud. Oh ! is it ? then be off without more fuss ; Just walk at once. Cupid. I’d rather take a 'buss. [He tries to kiss her again , but she escapes him ; he then runs indiscriminately ajter the rest , who scream and endeavour to get out of his reach : great confusion in the midst of which Enter Queen Moss-Rose from rose tree. [.Directly they hear her voice the Roses and Rosebuds are silent , and come down the stage; Cupid is con¬ cealed behind them. Queen. Roses and Rosebuds, what means all this screaming ? Am I awake, or am I only dreaming? I could not have received a noisier greeting, Had I been chairman of a railway meeting. Rosebud. May’t please your majesty,— Queen. Fie, fie, for shame. Rosebud. I can assure you, we were not to blame. 11 Queen. That is the truth—we never would deceive you. That’s very well, but ere I can believe you, I must have naked truth, no shred of clothing, For that gives rise to jobs that set us loathing; I’m firm—determined—though a little fiery— I’ll be my own Commission of Enquiry, And weed on ’till I weed out all those flowers, Who misbehave thus, in my royal bowers. Rosebud. ’ T was Cupid! Queen. Why, he’s nowhere to be seen. Rosebud. He’s hiding, please, behind our crinoline. [Roses and RosEBUDjfaZ/ back , and discover Cupid. Queen goes up, and , taking him by the ear , brings him down to front. Queen. I’ve caught you, have I, at your tricks this time ? Cupid, {pertly.) You want tricks, don’t you, in a Pantomime ? Queen. Yes, but not yours; so, to be vulgar, “ hook it.” Cupid. This treatment is despotic, 111 not brook it. Learn, madam, that, unlike a certain nation, We don’t stand here capricious “ deportation.” This is a land of freedom. Queen. Ho, my guard ! Enter Guard of Little Children, l.h.u. Queen. Arrest him. [ Guards surround him. Cupid. I submit, but don’t be hard; Pray let me stop, I’ve something yet to say Which interests you much. Queen. Pooh ! fudge! away ! It’s all no use, I can’t bear opposition, That’s a strong trait that marks my disposition. Cupid. A trait not worthy even of Japan, Which now don’t close its shores ’gainst any man. Queen. Your prayers are useless.—Seize him ! [Guards seize him. Cupid, {going.) Very good; I’m sorry, though, for poor Red Riding Hood. Queen. Oh, what of her, so innocent and fair ? Cupid, {carelessly.) Oh, nothing. Queen. Speak! [ Waves her hand to Guards. Cupid, {aside.) I think I’ve got her there, “ It’s now my turn. 12 Queen. 46 Release him! [Guards release him , and fall bach, 44 You are free. Cupid. (aside.) 44 And easy, too, as you shall shortly see* [Going, Queen stops him. Queen. 44 Why, you’re not going ? Cupid. 44 Yes I am. Queen. 44 Oh, stay! Cupid. 44 What, after you just said pooh ! fudge ! away ? Queen. 44 I didn’t mean it Cupid. 44 Yes you did. Queen. 44 I’ll vex 44 And bother you no more. Cupid, {half aside.) 44 Like all her sex ; 44 First she attempts to keep love out—the silly— 44 Then coaxes and retains him, willy nilly.” {Aloud.) Well then, Red Riding Hood, youi little pet, Looks wan and pale of late. Queen. What, don’t she get The roses I intend for her sweet cheeks ? Cupid . I should not think so—for the last few weeks Your roses from her cheeks are withered—died. Queen. 44 I’ll have some fresh ones quickly gathered, 44 And waft them to her on the zephyr’s wing. Cupid. 44 That would avail her little, poor dear thing.” Queen. I’ll send her hundreds, thousands, all my store. Cupid. Some one would rob her of them, as before. Queen. Who is the thief ? Cupid. A young and constant swain. Queen. Then make him give them back to her again. Cupid. 44 List, while a trifling secret I impart— 44 First, you must make him give her back her heart. 44 For till their roots in her heart springs are fed. 44 Your roses all will fade. Queen 44 Why don’t he wed ?” Cupid. He’d wed her if he could, but— Queen. What ? Cupid. He cant. Queen. Why not? Cupid. Because there’s some one says he shant. 13 Queen. I say he shall. I’ll help hfir. Wealth i an a rises through a trap surrounded by emblems of wealth, and comes down between them. Wealth. Wait a minute, There’ll be a row, I think. Cupid . Who cares?—Begin it. Wealth. I’m Wealthiana, and the maid you mention Shall marry as I like—that’s my intention. I’ve got a bridegroom for her in my eye. Cupid. In which one, ma’am ? Wealth. You’ll see that by and by. Cupid. Oh yes, I know—that always is your way, You’d buy and buy all hearts like so much clay; But learn that every one don’t care for riches As much as true and pure affection—which is A very diff’rent thing. You fancy money Alone can rule the world. \_Laughs. Wealth. (Angrily .) Yes—aint it funny? Queen. Exceedingly. Cupid. Just let me tell you, though, In this case you are wrong, as I will show. Wealth. Don’t talk to me, boy ! Cupid. Young Red Riding Hood Shall marry him she loves. Wealth. Oh, shall she ? Good, We’ll soon see that. Queen. We will. Wealth, {still more angrily .) Yes, that we will. The Baron I have fixed on she shall wed— He’s rich, immensely rich, polite, well bred — A perfect beau. Cupid. A beau though, slightly bent. Wealth. I choke !—I—Ah—my feelings cant find vent. Cupid. 44 To marry him would get her into trouble 44 For bigamy. Wealth. “ And why? Cupid. {stooping.) 44 Because he’s double.” Wealth. However you may joke, and jeer, and flaunt, She shall be his, I say. 14 I say, she shant. A wrinkle I’ll now give you. [Looks at her face and stops. No, I wont. You’ye got enough already. ( paces stage.) Have I ? Don’t Imagine I am angry, hurt, annoyed, Your conversation I have— Quite enjoyed. Yes ma’am, I have; but I—I’ll bet a crown, You and your monkey there I’ll soon put down. I’ve put yours up. You puppy—I—I could— Could you ? {tries to speak for a long time in vain , at last she hurries out , saying) Look out for your Red Riding Hood. [_Exit. e.tj.e. {looking after her.) Nice civil creature. Come, let’s watch her doings, And put an end to her old Baron’s wooings. [Scene closes in. Scene III.—THE BARON’S STUDY. Fire , Crucibles , Bottles , Sfc. Attendants waiting on him. Baron comes down stage from Crucible. Music. Red Fire. Baron. As yet, all’s well. The charm is nearly ready. [To Attendant , who is standing near the crucible. Just keep it stirring, will you? [ Crosses to furnace; Attendant stirs the mixture in crucible violently. Steady—steady! [Baron goes up to crucible and looks in it. Fetch me yon bottle. [Attendant goes slowly for bottle. Baron rushes impatiently , kicks him , and knocks him down. Come—a little faster, [Kicks him again. Cupid. Wealth . Queen. Wealth. Cupid. Wealth. Cupid. Wealth. Cupid. Queen. 15 Why do you vex your kind indulgent master ? I spoil you. [Kicks him again, then takes bottle and returns to crucible. Attend, {getting up, and walking lamely.') Yes, that’s true, at any rate— [Walks R. I’m spoilt, at least for life, as sure as fate. [Sudden explosion of crucible—the Baron and all the Attendants are thrown down. Sound of win¬ dows being smashed. Baron. Oh! Attend. He’s so fond of blowing up—the elf— Fm blowed if he aint blown up himself. Enter We alt hi ana r.h. door. Queen and Cupid enter stealthily behind her, and conceal themselves. Wealth, [going up to the Baron, who is still lying on the ground .) Why, Baron, poppet, what means this strange clatter t What, in the name of Fortune, is the matter? The windows are all shattered. Baron [feebly) Oh ! my brain! I, too, am nothing but a shattered pane — My crucible just through the window quivered. It was too hot. Too hot? Why, look, it’s shivered. (lifting him up.) Cheer up—explain the cause of this commotion. I was just trying to prepare the potion You told me of, to bring back force and vigour, And make me young. [pointing to Attendant's face, which is covered with black.) You’ve made yourself a nigger. Oh, that will wash ; altho’ my science wouldn’t. You should have waited, Baron. But, I couldn’t— Wealth. Baron Wealth. Baron. Wealth. Baron. Wealth. Baron. I had not patience. 16 Wealth. No,—instead of you, \_Points to Attendants , who are much hurt. The doctor will have. Pr’aps the joke’s not new, But it’s appropriate. Well, never mind \Produces a phial , which she gives him. Here is the draught at last. Baron ( taking it.) How very kind. Wealth. Elixir vitae of the finest tap— Come, lap it up. Baron Oh ! what is fortune’s lap Compared to this r ’Twill give me youth again— | Music. Drinks it , but makes a wry face. Cupid ( aside to Qxjeen.) The potion she delights in physics Payne , Beyond a doubt. [Queen and Cupid come down . Wealthiana and Baron start. Cupid, (to Wealth.) Ah! how d’ye do, my sweet one ? Wealth (indignantly .) What’s that to you ? Is that the way to greet one ? Come, just be off at once. Is that your breeding ? We’ve come to counteract your vile proceeding. \_Points to vial. Ah, you’re too late, and nothing you’ll have gained By all your meddling—see ( points to vial) the potion drained. A fitting drain for such a filthy suer ; But it’s no use : however he may woo her, He ne’er shall win the maid, for though all day I can’t prevent his looking young and gay, His youth shall vanish with the setting sun. And he become a wolf. [ Chord. I think you’re done ; Your pipe’s put out before it’s well begun. Don’t be too sure; that time alone caji prove. Cupid. Wealth. Queen. Wealth. Queen. Cupid. Wealth. 17 Cupid. Ta—ta—you’ll soon find out “ the power of love.” [Exit with the Queen, both bowing in a sarcastic manner to Wealthtana. Wealth. Impertinent young coxcomb ! Baron, {alarmed.) Is it true, I must become a wolf ? What shall I do ? Wealth What young men mostly don’t; while it is light, Make love, and then—go quietly home at night. Baron. (moving about uneasily , and putting himself into extraordinary attitudes.) Ah!—ha !—I say. Wealth . Come, Baron, come, no shirking, It’s only the Elixir which is working. Baron . Only ! what shocks : it seems as if—don’t laugh— I’d swallowed an Electric Telegraph. [Gong. Scene in which the Baron once more be¬ comes young , and goes through his toilet , Sfc. Wealthiana looks on. Wealth. There, now go play the young and ardent lover. Baron . To where she lives I’ll instantly drive over. Wealth. Soon may the young Red Riding Hood be thine. Baron. ( calling out.) Ho! where’s my trap? Enter Attendant, rapidly. Attend . Outside. Wealth. And here is mine. [Baron exits 9 l.h. Wealthiana goes down trap. Scene IV.—AN OLD ENGLISH VILLAGE FESTIVAL. [Pole for boys to climb. Rustic games—kiss in the ring — dance. Red Riding Hood carried on as May Queen , accompanied by her grandmother, 18 Rustic. Baron. Rustic. Baron. Rustic. Baron. Rustic. Baron. Rustic . Baron. Rustic. Baron. maidens , Spc. Red Riding Hood’s lover appears among the hand; he declares his love in pantomime. Red Riding Hood accepts him , and becomes his partner in the dance. A horn heard suddenly—all start—dance ceases. Guards enter and clear the way , then Baron enters in tandem—Tiger with horn , followed by footmen — Baron descends — horses kick and run away — knock — confusion—all afraid of Baron —he advances to front of stage — all Peasantry welcome him — Horn. Welcome to England ! England, ’pon my soul, I thought it was the country of the pole. \_Toints to Maypole. How are you all ? Quite well, sir, how's yourself? We hopes your honour have enjoyed good health. HowTe all your wives ! [Rustics scratch their heads. Come, do not be affected. They’re all as well, sir, as tan be expected. The children, too—You know how much I love them. Although, of coure, I’m very much above them. The boys is bobbish, sir. The boys, you churls ! You know—and precious well—I mean the girls ; Your daughters, rustics, are they young and beautiful, And ready to their Baron to be dutiful ? Some on ’em squints, and others has red hair, But taken as a lot they're pretty fair. Let’s see the prettiest, I’ll stand bitter beer. Here, fetch that lot of pretty girls up here. [Grandmother advances — Baron kicks her — she screams. Meanwhile, my friends, give up your minds to drinking, But don’t get drunk, for to my mode of thinking, 19 As girls are often injured by the glass, So by the bottle man is made an ass. [Innkeeper distributes beer among the 'peasants; they nearly all get drunh, with the exception of Red Rtding Hood’s lover, who goes up to the women, takes Red Riding Hood from among them, and leads her to the back of the stage. After a time, though , the Baron discovers her, and brings her down. Baron. Little Red Riding Hood! (examines her.) How very charming! Don’t be afraid, dear, am I so alarming ? Come, sweet one, ask of all those folks you see. If anybody is afraid of me. Give me your hand, and though it’s scarce worth proffering, Accept this purse, simply as friendship’s offering. You will not? Then the fact no more Ill hide; I love you, and I’ll have you for my bride. \_Seizes her. POLKA. DANCE. \The lover escapes, and rushes forward to protect Red Riding Hood. Comic dance for Baron, Red Riding Hood, and lover — Grandmother. Red Riding Hood preventing her lover and the Baron from coming to blows at the end of dance. Clock strikes 6. Baron . Sunset, and yet I’ve not progressed the least; It’s all up now, she’ll see that I'm a beast; The clock is striking six, and when it's done, Like one o’clock the wolf will have to run. [Transformation to Wolf, chased by the Peasants , End of scene. 20 Scene V.—OLD GRANNY’S COTTAGE. Grandmother enters , up to table , drinks out of a, bottle. Knock at door , followed by voice , calling “ Granny “ Granny .” Music. Baron enters. Baron. All right ; the grandmother I’ll soon despatch. [ /o Grandmother , awfi? shakes her. Now then, old woman, it is no use frowning; I hope you don’t object to death by drowning. \JDrags her up to ivindow , ivhich he opens , awe? throws her into water butt. Over you go ; good night, ma’am, take my blessing. Now that job’s done, I’ll see about the dressing. \_Opens drawer , and takes out night dresses. Yes, here are clothes. \_Dresses. Music—Fra Diavolo .— Gets into bed. There, that’s all right, the latch I just can see, I’ll teach young ladies to be rude to me. The young Red Riding Hood will soon be here, I feel that I could eat her—little dear. (■shoivs his teeth , then pretends to snore—a knock is heard at the door.) Baron. (in grandmother"s voice.) Holloa ! who thinks old women thus to catch ? RedR.H. Tis I. Baron . Then pull the string, twill lift the latch \Door opens. Chord. Red Riding Hood ! It is! Come in. RedR.H. Baron. 21 RedR.H. I say, How very hoarse and strange you seem to day, I scarcely know you. Baron . Dont you * In a minute You’ll know me, or there’ll be some witchcraft in it. RedR.H. You’re joking, grandmother. Baron . I didn’t know it. RedR.H'. You are, altho’ you’re trying not to show it. [She has approached the bed where the Wolf is lying. Why, what long legs ! Baron. The better, dear, to chase you. RedR.H. And what long arms ! Baron. The closer to embrace you. Red R.H. What piercing eyes ! Baron. To seek you if I miss you. Red R.H. And what enormous lips ! Baron. Yes, they’re to kiss you. [A short silence. RsdR H. What are those paws for, grandmother ? Baron . To beat you. [Chord. RedR.H. ( terrified ) And those sharp teeth, dear grand¬ mother ? Baron. (rising and rushing toivards her) To eat you. (.Fairies appear; at the same moment Red Riding Hood’s lover enters while the grandmother gets out of water butt and climbs thro 1 window into room . Queen. Pause, Wolf! Paws off! this youth her heart to win, Will follow her to night as Harlequin. [ Music . Red Riding Hood, as protegee of mine, Of course must be our pretty Columbine. [Music. Granny, if quite recovered from your swoon, Kindly consent to be our Pantaloon, [Music. While you, who in your luck, are rather down, Must for your many crimes appear as Clown. [Music. [ General transformation of the characters. 22 Scene VI. — ALLEGORICAL TABLEAU OF BOREAS DISPELLING THE CLOUDS OF SORROW AND REVEALING THE DAZZLING REALMS OF LOVE AND LIGHT. Scene VII.—BELGRAVIA. Scene VIII. — COURT HAIRDRESSERS, BUR¬ LINGTON ARCADE AND BIRD FANCIER’S. Scene IX.—A GLOOMY PROSPECT AT EAST ENLIGHTENED IN THE INSTALLATION OF LITTLE BED HIDING HOOD IN THE DAZZLING REALMS OF LOVE AND LIGHT. THE RESPLENDENT TEMPLE OF HYMEN, AND FAIRY ROSE BOWER, A GOLDEN FUTURE AND HAPPINESS FOR LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. MR. W. HARRISON’S NEW BALLAD. Just Published, price 2s., A NEW MALhAB, WORDS BY WILLIAM BROUGH. MUSIC BY MR. W. HARRISON, ENTITLED “I WILL NOT WEEP AT LOSING THEE.” LONDON: BOOSEY & SONS, MUSICAL LIBRARY, 28 , HOLLES STREET, CAVENDISH SQUARE. JOHN K. CHAPMAN AND CO., 5 , SHOE LANE, AND PETERBOROUGH CO RT, FLEET 8TREET. OPINIONS OF THE PRESS On the general merits and success ofBALFE’S New Opera 8 A T A N E L L i. “ There are some of his happiest thoughts in ita few of his happiest things.”— Athenaeum. “ Mr. Balfe has treated his subject in a masterly manner, and has produced a work which win cratify the musical connoisseur, while it cannot fail to please the general public.” —Sunday Times. “ It contains some of the prettiest music that Balfe ever wrote.”— Era. “ Mr Balte’slast, matured, and best »pera.”— Weekly Times. “ There are a great many bt-autiful things in Babe’s opera. Several of the finales and concerted pieces are masterpieces of construction, brilliancy, and dramatic effect.”— Illus¬ trated News “Will prove one of the most successful pieces ever put on the sta ge”--Daily Telegraph. - We do not think, that anyofBalfe’s previous works contained finer music than is to be foimd in this opera.”— Daily News. Now Ready. “ THE POWER OF LOVS,” BALLAD. 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Quaint and taking.”— The Times . “THE GLORIOUS VINTAGE OF CHAMPAGNE,” DRINKING SONG, Sung by Mr. HARRISON. 2s. 6d. “ Certain to become popular, being exceedingly bold and catching, and written in the true bacchanalian vein .”—Musical World. “AW ANGEL FORM," SONG, Sung by Mr. HARRISON. 2s. 6d. “ Remarkably sweet.”—Sunday Times. “WO PRIZE CAW FATE OW MAW BESTOW," BALLAD, Sung by Mr. HARRISON. 2s. Gd. Another graceful ballad .”—The Times. “ROVERS, RULERS OF THE SEA," THE PIRATES’ SONG. Sung by Mr. CORRI. 2s. 6d. u Spontaneous and eminently characteristic.”— The Times. "Various arrangements are in the Press by BRINLEY RICHARDS, NORDMANN, JULL1EN, LAURENT, BENEDICT, and MADAME OURY. Loudon i SOOSEY A SOWS, Musical Library, 28, Holies St. I. ryfyr' j Ail Orders declined unless 1 SlXPE^OB OcD| Stamps are remitted. S Gr 12 ^ Cm t ' lA GY’S ACTI NO EDITION. WHERE’S YOUR THOMAS HAILES LACY, THEATRICAL BOOKSELLER, ** 9 STRAND^ LONDON; W.C. (Opposite Southampton Street, Covent Garden ,) Brighton, Feast, Castle Square; Belfast. Moore, Ann Street ; Edinburgh, Robinson, Creenside Street ; Birmingham, Gruest, Bull St ., Bristol, Bingham, Broad St) Dublin. Wiseheart, Suffolk Street . Glasgow, Love, Enoch's Square) Leeds, Ramsden ; Liverpool. Meyrick, Hanover St., Manchester, Hey wood. Deansgate ; and Leggett, Medloch Street , Hulme % Newcastle on Tyne, Allan, Collingwood Sireet . Melbourne, Australia , Charhvood, Bourke Street . S. FRENCH, 122, Nassau Street, New York. (by ORDER) OF ALL BOOKSELLERS IN ENGLAND. IMS COLONIES, OS AM ERICA JUST PUBLISHED, Is. EA€H a COMIC DRAMAS^ for Male Characters, Part 2. Is. DRAMAS for the DRAWING ROOM, Part 2. By Miss Keating. CHARADE DRAMAS, in French and English, by Miss F ranees. SIX CHARADE PLAYS, by Mr. W. FI. Smith. DRAMAS, Serious, and Serio Comic, for Male Characters only. Is. ELOCUTION, its principles and Practice ; being a complete Manual of the Art of Speaking, by Henry limes cloth boards, 2s. 6d. (The received Class Book of our best Academies.) THE MODERN SPEAKER, with a Practical Essay on Elocution, and the best collection of Recitations ever published ; in Three Parts at 6d. each, or cloth boards. Is. 6d. PICTORIAL SHAKSPEARE by Charles Knight, 8. vols, new cloth gilt, for Four Pounds. BULWER LYTTON’S Plays, 5s. 6d., loth gilt. Photographic Portraits of the popular Performers Of the day, Is. Each—post free. Lacy’s Dramas for Private Pepresentation, 6cL eaW Or in Volumes, neatly bound, 75 . each, post free. VOL. 1. Silent Woman I’ll be your Second Bombastes Furioso State Prisoner Tooth-ache 3’ower and Principle Anything- for a Change Hopeless Passion [sion Unwarrantable Intru- Thumping Legacy Pax and Cox Left the Stage John Uobbs Subterfuge [ror T would Puzz-le aConju- M acbeth Travfestie VOL. 2. Sink or Swim Diamond Cut Diamond C oi tic Slasher and Crasher Not a bad Judge Time Tries All Poor Cousin Walter Ipunestic Economy Ladies’ Battle Cool as a Cucumber Very Suspicious Box and Cox Married Betsy Baker Loan of a Lover Where there’s aV r iU,&c. Stage Struck VOL. 3. Deaf as a Post Desperate Game A.S.S. Past Train Maid with Milking Pail Trying it on Handsome Husband P.P. My First Fit of Gout Somebody Elso Chesterfield Thinskin Curious Case Little Toddlekina Whitebait at Green wich Pre-tty Piece of Busi- Baclieior of Arts [ness VOL. 4, First Night Perfection No. 1 Bound the Corner Storm in a Tea Cup Jacobite To Oblige Benson Family Jars , From Village to Court Sunshine thro’Clouds Heads or Tails ? 1 As like as Two Peas Fish out of Water * Court of Oberon My Wife’s Diary Good Little Wife Bough Diamond VOL. 5. Wondciful Woman Delicate Ground Captain of the Watch r,, 'vo in the Morning V a Clod v Call [Thing ’’ of a Good Still Waters Bun Deep Cabinet Question Married Daughters Dowager Only a Halfpenny Blighted Being My Wife’s Mother Who Speaks First Four Sisters VOL. 6, Wandering Minstrel Villikins and Dinah Day after the Wedding N o*emie [pearances Don’t Judge by Ap- Heir at Law Spring and Autumn Taming a Tiger Cozy Couple Give a Dog Bad Name Paris and Back foi £o Urgent Private Affairs Grist to the Mill Jealous Wife John Jones Comedy and Tragedy VOL. 7. Housekeeper Family Failing Pride of the Market False and Constant Prisoner of War Locked in with a Lady Tit for Tat Irish Post Irish Doctor Hamlet Travestie Follies of a Night Bird in the Hand Splendid Investment Lend me 5s. [Bell Lord Lovell & Nancy Dont Lendyr. Umbrela VOL. 8. Victor Vanquished Done on both Sides f'he Stoops .0 Conquer Crown Prince Rights&WrongsofWo- In for a Holyday [man Wonder Romance undr Difhclts Conjugal Lesson Fascinating Individual Match Making Second Love Sent to the To war Bamooozling Good for Nothing Our Wife VOL. 9. Wicked Wife Queen of Anagon Douglas [his Castle English man’s House is Robert Macaire Charles the Second Double-Faced People Fearful Tragedy? Dials Husband for an Hour Sarah’s Young Man Wilful Murder Omnibus Love’s Telegraph Raising the Wind Venice Preserved High Life below Stairs VOL. 10. Victims Frederick of Prussia Was 1 to Blame? Friend Waggles Nothing to Nurse Sudden Thoughts Rivals Living too Fast T wo Gay Deceivers Jeannette’s Wedding Very Serious Affair Pair of Pigeons Brother Ben Take Care of Dowb.— London Assurance Boots at the Swan VOL. 11. Cure for Heart Ache Faint Heart never won Dead Shot [Fair Lady- Unfinished Gent. Irish Tiger Ticklish Times Spectre Bridegroom Lucky Hit Love Kiiot Double Dummy Crossing the Line Birth Place of Podgers Nothing V enture N oth- Capital Match [ing Win My Neighbour’s Wife * Your Life’s in Danger VOL. 12. Marriage a Lottery My Wife’s Dentist Schoolfellows [Himself Samuel in Search of Doubtful Victory Stock Exchange Veteran of 102 Dying for Love Pierette Irish Tutor King Rene’s Daughter Last of the Pigtails Matrimony Bonnie Fish Wife Twice Told Tale Wooing in Jest, etc. VOL. 13. Othello Travestie My Aunt’s Husband Old Honesty 88 Next Birthday Porter’s Knot Fade of Three Poor Pillicoddy i Milliner’s Holiday Iron Chest Turning the Tables Nervous Man Poor Gentleman Everybody’s Friend Richard ye Thirde Cramond Brig Love in Humble Life VOL. 14. Hunting a Turtle Retained for Defence Julius Cfesar I f the Cap Fits Caught by the Ears Nine Points of the Law lei on parle Francais King and I Three Cuckoos Payable on Demand Old Offender House or the Home Rifle & How to Use It Husband to Order My Great Aunt Vandvke Brown * VOL. 15. My Heart’s Idol Too Much for Good Rendezvous [N ature Village Lawyer Nursey Chick weed Good for Evil Head of the Family Goose withGolden Eggs Forest Keeper My Wife’s Second Floor Founded on Facts Two Polts Thrice Married Uncle Zachary B. B. Change of System VOL.* 16. Friend in Need Douglas Travestie Next of Kin My Wife’s Out Race for a Widov? Cruel to be Kind Brother and Sister Christmas Boxes Fitzsmythe of Fitsmthp Dearest Mamma Appearances Clockmaker’s Hat Muleteer of Toledo , Aggravating Sam Little Savage [therhee i My Friend from Lea- VOL. 17. Quiet Family Aunt Charlotte’s Mail ; Midnight Watch I’ve Written to Browne Artful Dodge Love and Hunger Peggy Green Household Fairy- Duchess or Nothing- Honeymoon Model Husband Bowl’d Out Lady of the I/ake Fetticoat Government. Objects of Interest Don Csesar de Bazaa VOL. 18. Rumpelstiltskin » Railroad Station Eclipsing the Sott Secret Paul Pry Observation &FlrtatibH Post of Honour Hard Struggle Alcestes Regular Fix Monsieur Jacques Chimney Corner Man who follows Ladies Post Boy Blue Beard, Burlesque I Ugly Customer /* —^ 7 - /S>. WHERE’S YOUR WIFE? 1 <&n CFnttrelg <©t%tnal ^arce. J. V. BRIDGEMAN, (Member of the Dramatic Authors' Society ), AUTHOR OF Tke Puritan’s Daughter, The Armourer of Nantes, The Rifle and How to Use It, A Good Run for It, Matrimonial, &c., &c. THOMAS HAILES LACY, 89, STRAND, LONDON. where’s your wife? First performed at the Royal Strand Theatre, under the management of Mr. W. H. Swanborough , on Monday , September 21 st, 1863. Characters. STANISLAUS PLODDER. Mr. Belford. FELIX LILLICRAPE. Mr. Vollaire. JOE . Mr. Danvers. MATILDA .... Miss Simpson. MRS. FLODDER . Miss Thorne. time-present. Scene- London. Cogtitme0. Flodder c —Rifle suit and accoutrements, apron and sleeves. Lillicrape.— Modern dark trousers and coat, and nankeen trousers to change. Joe. —Short coat, dark trousers, apron. Mrs. Flodder. —Plain walking costume. Matilda. —Very plain cotton dress and housemaids apron ; very gay dress and paletot for change, pork pie hat. Time in Representation—One hour. WHERE’S YOUR WIFE. Scene.— The Parlour behind Plodder's General Shop ; at bach L. C. a long window looking into shop ; a gauze blind half ivay up the window ; door c. leading into shop ; door R. 2 E. ; door L. 2 E. ; fireplace R. 3 E.; fire blazing ; brass tea kettle on footman ; chimney glass over mantelshelf; table R., laid for breakfast—on each side of table, a chair —L. a cabinet with drawers. At the rising of the Curtain, Matilda has just finished buttering a thick slice of bread, which she puts upon two similar slices already in a plate. Matil. ( calling ) Joe! Joe! N V 4 x i Enter Joe, through door at back , Joe. Well, what is it ? Matil. ( pointing to bread and butter on plate) Here’s your breakfast. Joe. ( taking up slice and examining it) What d’ye call this ? Matil. Bread and butter to be sure. Joe. If other people didn’t get no more butter than I do, the sale of Cockle’s Anti-fo'Ze-ious Pills would be limited. Matil. You’re always a-grumbling. ( takes tea pot off the able, and pours a small quantity of tea into a common earthen ware mug, which she then fills up with water from the kettle) Joe. {looking at her in dismay) Oh! I say! Matil. What’s the matter now ? Joe. That won’t get into my head. Matil. More’s the pity—there’s nothing there at present. Joe. I prefers even that state of things to water on the brain. Matil. Never mind what you prefers ; make haste and eat your breakfast, and get back to your work. Joe. You’re a good un, you are, to talk about work—you’re not so fond of it yourself; I don’t know what you’ve done for the day and a half you’ve been here—I know something though- 4 where’s tour wife? Matil. What’s that? Joe. Why, that you might ha’ come a day earlier, if you’d ha’ liked. Matil. Might I ? Joe. Yes. Matil. Wasn’t I obliged to go and see a sick aunt at-- Joe. At the bal masque, eh? Matil. What d’ye mean? Joe. You know jolly well—look here ! ( pulls a card out of his pocket) Ain’t this a pass-check, and didn’t I find it on the kitchen stairs? Matil. (< advancing k c., and trying to take card from him — Joe puts it behind him) Joe, you told me last night, your favourite dinner was liver and bacon. Joe. There’s nothin’ to be ashamed of in that, is there ?— when it’s done nice and crisp. Matil. With a rich, brown gravy. Joe. ( smacking his lips) Ain’t it scrumptious ? Oh! my eye l Matil. If you give me the check, and hold your tongue, you shall have liver and bacon to-day. Joe. I don’t know as how I shall give it you. I think you acted mean. When you was took as a servant, you was told missis was going to spend a few days at her mother’s, and yet you must needs stop away till yesterday, and leave me alone with old Mother Draggle, the chairwoman, who thinks of no one’s comfort but her own, which she sucks out of the spout of the tea-pot, and says is weak tea, though I believe it’s something as strong as Tom Sayers’s arm. Matil. Recollect—liver and bacon, Joe. (holds out her hand) Joe. (giving her ticket) You gals can be precious civil when you wants a thing. Matil. (talcing kettle from footman) Not a word, Joe. Joe. (putting finger to his lip) All right. Matil. When master comes in, tell him that, if he will just touch the bell, I will do the eggs in a minute. j Exit ujith kettle, door R. Joe. Willyer? Then you’ll be obliged to take ’em down agin, for they won’t be done. Three minutes and a half is the period by all the egg-boilers as 1 ever heerd on. (looks at dish on table) Oh ! don’t that ’am look prime, (goes up to table, takes dish, and comes down stage) Shouldn’t I like a small piece. Though master has got a friend a cornin’ to breakfast, I’m sure they would never miss it, with the eggs, and the sardines, and all—a gormandizing and a gluttonizing, like two lord mayors, (goes up to table, puts down dish, and taking up fork sticks it in a slice of ham) I think I’ll have a piece. where’s your wife? 5 (comes down stage with slice of ham on fork—at this moment the shop hell is heard—looking round in great fright) Oh, crikey! here’s master, {hurriedly puts the fork and ham into his pocket) Enter Flodder through door in flat, whistling the “ British Grenadiers ,” rifle in hand . Flod. What are you doing ? Joe. Doing? Oh ! nothing, sir. Flod. {putting rifle on sofa) You ought to be a good hand at that kind of work by this time, I never knew you do any other. What’s that? {points to Joe's tea) Joe. My breakfast, sir. Matilda has just-* Flod. Matilda ? Joe. Yes, sir; the new young woman, sir. Flod. Oh! well, as Mr. Lillicrape hasn’t arrived, just eat your breakfast there and listen to me. Joe. Yes, sir. {sits in chair L. of table, but instantly starts up again) Oh ! my- {stops short and adds) My eye ! Flod. What’s the matter with your eye ? Joe. Nothing, sir — that is—there’s something in it. ( rubs his eye with one hand , while he applies his other furtively to the lower part of his back) Flod. Those things are very painful. Sit down again, and I’ll see if I can get it out. {pushing Joe back into chair) Joe. Oh ! no, no ! {resisting—as he does so he once more puts his hand behind him ; the fork and ham fall on stage—shop bell heard again) Flod. What’s that ? If that was in your eye it must have been painful. You young thief! Take your breakfast and be off! {advances menacingly towards him) Joe. {takes his bread and butter and mug) Don’t touch me, please, sir. Flod. I should like to give you a good kicking, {advances as if about to carry his threat into execution) Joe. Oh! no! don’t kick me—box my ears instead. ( backs a little and then , suddenly turning round, makes a dash towards door in flat, just as Lillicrape enters —Joe runs up against him and upsets hot tea over him) Lilli. Hollo ! what’s that ? Isn’t it hot! Joe exit rapidly, door at back. Flod. There, don’t make a fuss about nothing ; go into my room yonder {pointing to door L.) and put on a pair of mine. Lilli. But how about the size? Flod. If mine are not large enough, there’s a pair of my brother Bill’s—by-the-bye, you may as well put on Bill’s at once, because if they are spoiled- Lilli. Yes, but- 6 where’s your wife? Flod. Will you do as you are requested? will you go? (pushes him off, door l.— solus, whistling the “ British Grena¬ diers” goes up to chair at table, takes apron from chair and puts it on, looks about as though he missed something) Where on earth can I have pit my sleeves? Enter Matilda, with eggs, at door R. Matil. ( smirkingly ) I saw you a-coming up the street, sir; I was a-watchin’ for you, sir, so I popped the eggs on the fire. Flod. Then now pop them on the table and go — or stay — do you know where my sleeves have got to ? Matil. (simpering ) Oh, yes, sir, I saw missus before she left put them away in the drawer in that ’ere thingamagig. (points to cabinet , L.) Flod. All right, {goes to drawer , takes out a pair of calico sleeves folded up) There they are — just tie them on for me, will you ? {as he puts the sleeves on , a neatly folded piece of gaper falls out) Hollo, what’s that? (Matilda picks up paper) Matil. Which it’s a bit o’ paper, sir. Flod. Which it is; put it on the table. (Matilda puts paper on table—he holds out one arm to Matilda, ivho ties the sleeve — he then holds out the other arm — Matilda ties the second sleeve, but instead of letting go the arm retains it, gazing on Flodder with an air of ecstatic delight — during this time Flodder, as though quite abstracted, has been whistling the “ British Grena¬ diers f—he suddenly looks up) Flod. {forcibly) What are you gaping at me like that for ? Go! Matil. {starting, and with a confused look) Yes, sir. Enter Lillicrape, door L. 2 E., he has got on a pair of trousers which are evidently too tight , and which reach only half way down his legs ; in his hand he carries his own trousers. On seeing Matilda he is about to run back , but Flodder rushes up and prevents him. Flod. No, you don’t, {to Matilda) Just put these before the fire, {talced trousers from Lillicrape and gives them to Matilda) Matil. Yes, sir! {takes trousers from him with a languishing look—a short pause, during which she gazes on him fondly, and. he contemplates her with astonishment — suddenly, she rushes off at door R. Flod. {aside) What on earth is the matter with the girl — why she pressed my hand! {aloud) Lillicrape, did you remark that new servant of mine ? i where’s your wife? 7 Lilli, (who has been absorbed in the contemjjlation of the trousers he has on) Eh! what ? I say, they are not a very be¬ coming fit. Flod. I never asserted they were, did I? (sarcastically) Perhaps another time you would like me to take your measure? Lilli. No, my boy, but - Flod. The old story—selfishness! Lillicrape, I esteem you; but I must say, that if you have a failing—and you possess heaps—that failing is selfishness. Even at school, when, a day¬ boy, endowed by nature with indulgent parents, you used to bring ham sandwiches for lunch, you invariably objected to my gushing "habit of exchanging lunches. Lilli. Yes; because you never had anything but stale bread and butter. Flod. But I was not selfish enough to give that a thought! (solemnly) Most persons would be estranged by such conduct; not I! I never desert an old friend. Lilli. You’re a good fellow. Flod. 1 wanted some one to mind the shop, and look after my interest generally, from about four p.m. to day till about eight p.m. to-morrow! What did 1 do ? did I select any one else ?— most probably I knew no one else; but that is no matter! No ! I immediately said “ My old and esteemed friend, Lilli¬ crape, has settled, after many years 1 absence, in London ; he has never seen my wife—my Anastasia—I will give him an opportunity of seeing my Anastasia ; I will ask him to remain from four p.m. to-day until eight p.m. to-morrow. Lilli. But if your wife is away, as you informed me in your letter, and you go out, I can’t enjoy your society, can I ? Flod. Not very well; but that’s no fault of mine. Lilli. I can’t come. There ! Flod. Who wants you to come there ? I want you to come here! I strongly object to your going there! I don’t know where it is ; but I object to the locality. Listen, Lillicrape. 1 —no—yes—I—the fact is I’ve got an appointment with a splendid creature at Cremorne. Lilli. You sly dog! Who is she? Flod. Honour forbids my divulging her name; besides, I don’t know it! Having thus satisfied, perhaps foolishly, your indiscreet curiosity, I will proceed. You recollect, that on the evening of the sham fight, when our wives fancied we were bivouacking on the more or less tented field, we both went to the bal masque at the Alhambra. Lilli. Well? ^ Flod. After you had been ejected for bonneting a pacific individual before you in the mazy dance- Lilli. It wasn’t I—it was you, you know. 8 where’s your wife? Flod. What of that ? They thought it was you. When you had left, thus early and thus unexpectedly, the festive scene, a beautiful female, masked and in a long domino, came up, and addressing me in a mellifluous voice, while an arch smile played around her lips- Lilli. How could you see her lips if she had a mask on? Flod. I don’t know. Perhaps you have a patent way of doing it. I didn’t say I saw them, but I feel convinced an arch smile was—well, no matter. It was agreed I should write and appoint another meeting. 1 did so. “ To Laura— to be left at the post-office till called for.” So, this evening, you will take care of the shop for me, and- Lilli. I tell you I can f t—I—I’ve had an adventure some¬ thing like yours—only different. Flod. What is it ? Lilli. An angelic creature, with a—— Flod. There! cut it short—go on ! Lilli. It appears she had frequently seen me marching out with our brigade, and—I made an impression on her. She found out who I was, and about a week ago I received a letter from her at my office. Since then I have met her in the park. I say, Flodder, I think we are a couple of villains—eh ? [pokes him in the ribs) Flod. Infamous wretches ! [pokes Lillicrape in the ribs ) Lilli. What would our wives say, eh? Flod. What indeed! By the way, if you are particularly anxious to know, you’d better ask Mrs. L. Lilli. Good heavens! I tremble at the mere idea. Thank goodness, she left town a few days ago to pay a visit to a friend. To-morrow I take my charmer to dine with me at Greenwich. Flod. Dine—yes, tea and shrimps for two. Lilli. She’s a woman of a very superior kind. I’ll just shew you her letter ; {is about to put his hand in his pocket, when he recollects himself) I forgot; I think I laid it on the table in the bed room. I will go and fetch it. Flod. Make haste. The breakfast will be cold. Exit Lillicrape, door l. Flod. [whistling 11 The British Grenadiers ,” sits down R. of table ; as he does so, he whisks off the piece of paper, which Matilda has placed on table—he picks it up) What’s this ? [opens it carelessly, and glances his eye over it—passes his hand over his forehead as if stupefied, and starts) What’s this ?— Can it be Anastasia’s hand?—No—yes it is, by Jove, though —ah! [reads) “ Best loved one, I take up my pen—odious husband—” No name—no direction—my head—my head ! All is in a boil. I feel shooting pains there. ( J puts his hand where’s your wife? 9 to his forehead) Ah, here’s Lillicrape. (.stuffs paper hastily in his pocket) Enter Lillicrape at door ) L. Lilli. I can’t find it; I must have left it in the pocket of my trousers. Flod. Never mind that now. Let us have some breakfast. {aside—sitting L. of table) I can’t eat a bit. {aloud) Sit down (Lillicrape is about to sit down) No, not like that; don’t plump down ; sit down, or else you’ll split them. Lilli, {sitting down very carefully R. of table) You pour out the tea, and I’ll cut some bread and butter, {tries to cross his legs) Flod. {starts up and speaks savagely ) Don’t cross your legs. Lilli. It’s very well to say don't—I can't. Flod. Then don’t try. {sits down again) Lilli. I’m blessed if I shall be able to eat much breakfast in these, {pulls at waistband) All the buttons will come off if I do. Flod. Then don’t. (Lillicrape cuts bread and butter . Flodder, perfectly abstracted , remains gazing vacantly on the ground) Lilli, {looking up) Ain’t you going to pour out the tea? Flod. {rousing himself) Certainly, {with great emphasis) Certainly, {takes up teapot and commences pouring tea into slop basin) Lilli, {in great astonishment) What are you about ? Flod. I—dear me ! {perceives his mistake and pours tea into cups) Lilli, {taking cup from Flodder) Thank you; just hand me the sugar basin, will you ? (Flodder, abstractedly , offers him teapot) Lilli. No ; the sugar. Flod. I beg pardon, {hands him the tea-caddy) Lilli. The sugar. (Flodder gives sugar) Now may I trouble you for an egg ? Flod. How you bother. W T hat confounded selfishness I There—there are two. {takes two eggs out of plate and throws them at him) Lilli. I say ! {tries to pick up eggs, which have fallen upon the ground ; at last , after great difficulty , succeeds, and carefully resumes his seat) Flod {savagely) Mind ! Lilli. What on earth is the matter with you, man ? Flod. I—I’ve something on my mind, {takes up plate and flings it violently on the ground) I’d—I’d smash him like that. Lilli, {rising) Smash whom ? What’s the matter ? 10 where’s your wife? Flod. Nothing—I-( starts up and seizes his rifle ) I’m off! Lilli. Where? Flod. To rifle practice. Lilli. I thought you had just returned from morning drill. Flod. What of that? I repeat I’m off to rifle practice. I shall spend all my time on the shooting ground, to-day, to¬ morrow, and the next day, and every day until further notice. Lilli. My dear fellow, you are excited. Flod. You might perceive that, I think, without a micro¬ scope. (as he is speaking , he holds his rifle so that the muzzle is right in front of Lillicrape’s body) Lilli. Your rifle is not loaded, I suppose? Flod. Then you suppose erroneously. Lilli. In that case I wish you would turn it the other way. Flod. You’re disgustingly particular, (alters the position of rifle) I have a secret—a fatal secret to confide to you; I know you will never divulge it. Lilli. Never, my boy. Flod. Assurance on your part is superfluous, for, if you did, I should send a bullet through your body, (pointing rifle) Lilli, (turning aside the rifle) You’ll send one through me whether I do or not if you go on like that. Flod. Why do you interrupt me with your ill-timed pusillanimity ? If selfishness were not your prevailing charac¬ teristic, you would not notice such trifles. Listen; I have reason to believe that Mrs. Flodder—my Anastasia—the wife of my bosom, is false ! Lilli. False ! Flod. As false as a wig. Lilli. You must be mistaken. I have not the pleasure of Mrs. Flodder’s acquaintance, but- Flod. Then how dare you presume to know better than myself, who enjoy that felicity? I thought her as true—as affectionate a woman as ever stood up in crinoline, (takes paper out of pocket) Look ! I have found the rough draft of a letter from the perfidious but captivating being, (reads) “ Best loved one,—I take up my pen-” (speaks) It must be as bad as she is, or it would not splutter so much, (reads) —“ pen, to say I have not forgotten my promise.” Lilli, (as tf greatly interested) “ Forgotten my promise.” Flod. Yes. (reads) “ I know I am foolish, perhaps what the world would call guilty.” (speaks) I should rather think it would, (reads) “ But when I recal that airy form-” (speaks) And there the scrawl ends. Lilli. Oh! (aside and agitated) The very words of the letter to me . It is his wifel where’s your wife? 11 Flod. That “airy form” indeed! I wonder if he’s a policeman. Lilli. It certainly is very terrible! in fact, I might sav un—unpleasant—I—I— (with a forced laugh) I suppose it will afford some occupation for the gentlemen of the long robe. Flod. For the gentlemen of the crape hat-bands, and mourn¬ ing feathers, you mean. Lilli. Why you—but suppose it was a little mistake. Flod. A little mistake ! what do you call a big one ? Oh ! if I could see him now before me, I would deliberately stab him to the heart! ( crosses to R.) Lilli. (< greatly agitated) You—you shouldn’t do any thing in a hurry. Flod. Right! I would not stab him! I would lure him here under some pretence or other, and then roast him, before the kitchen fire! slowly! slowly ! ( crosses to L.) Lilli, (more agitated than before) You can’t be serious. Flod. I can’t be serious ! ( wildly) Ah! ah ! he supposes that I am joking — joking at the ruin of all my hopes — joking at the blight which has fallen on all my fondest affections ! ah! ah! Lilli. You misunderstand me- Flod. Then why the devil don’t you express yourself intel¬ ligibly ! Ah ! Anastasia! Anastasia ! how I loved that woman ! Lilli. ( hesitatingly) Yet—yet, you wrote to Laura- Flod. {glaring at him) Why? why? Lilli. Because, I presume, you liked it. Flod. No ; because I adored Anastasia—I said to myself: “Stanislaus, you are devotedly attached to your wife; you think her the most perfect creature in this world—that is not sufficient ! look about you ; procure the proof—make the acquaintance of others of her sex, in order that your Anastasia’s proud pre-eminence may be placed even beyond the shadow of a doubt.” That was my motive in writing; it was wrong—nay, it was foolish perhaps; but I was carried away by my feelings. It was your duty to have prevented me ! Lilli. And if I had tried you would have punched my head. Flod. Most probably! Ought that consideration to have stopped you ? but you were always selfish— {suddenly) Oh, if I could only find out to whom that letter was addressed I would smash him—I would kill him ! aye, if he were my—my own mother ! {walks about stage , frantically) Lilli, {aside) There’s no reasoning with him, or I would explain all. Flod. (suddenly stopping) Lillicrape, I expect Mrs. F.— Anastasia—every moment! you shall interrogate her. Lilli, {in great consternation) I—I don’t want to interrogate her. 12 WHERE’S YOUR WIFE? Flod. You shall worm out her secret. Lilli. I—I—I can’t worm out her secret. Flod. You don’t know what you can do till you try ! no excuses, I insist!—if you don’t ( mysteriously) look out for your¬ self, that’s all. Lilli, {aside) I’ll humour him! ( aloud ) Well, but—there, yes I will. Flod. Noble-minded friend! Lilli. I cannot, however, see Mrs. F. in this costume. Flod. You will not see her in that costume—she will not assume it, at least not with my consent. Lilli. You misunderstand me. What I intended was—that I can’t see her while I have these cursed things on ! Flod. Why not ? do they affect your sight ? by what excep¬ tional law of physics do your trowsers exercise a mysterious influence over your visual organs ? Lilli, {aside) He’s going off his nut! {aloud) Let me at any rate have my own. Flod. I have no objection! {crosses to R.) Matilda! Enter Matilda, door r. Matil. Oh! if you please sir; the cat knocked the chair into the fire, and Mr. Lillicrape’s trow—thingamies is all burnt. Lilli. Good gracious! Matil. There was a lot o’ papers in the pockets. Lilli, {eagerly) Are they burnt, too ? Matil. Oh, no ! I’ve took care of them for you. Lilli, {aside — groans) Ah ! Matil. I’ve got ’em all safe. Lilli. Give them to me—give them this instant. Matil. I’ll get you what you wants, sir. Exit door , r. Lilli. I shall get what I don’t want. I shall get murdered if I stop here long. Stanislaus, what am I to do ? Flod. {who has thrown himself into chair L. of table, answers unconsciously) Eh? Lilli. What am I to do? Flod. {in the same tone) Yes. Lilli. Yes— what ? Flod. Of course. Lilli. This is enough to drive one mad. {shakes him) What¬ ever am I to do ? I can’t walk through the streets in these things. Flod. Don’t. Walk through the streets without them. Lilli. What? Flod. {suddenly jumping up and throwing off his dreaming state) This is irritating. When you know my heart is racked—that where’s your wife? 13 the tenderest chords are vibrating through my soul—even then— (i looking through window at hack) Ah, there’s Mrs. Flodder! Lilli. The devil. (Exit, hastily , through door L., which Flodder locks upon Mm) Flod. I’ve got rid of him for a time at any rate. Ah! Anastasia ! (drops dreamily into his chair , and is absorbed in thought) Enter Matilda, door r. — in one hand she has a housemaid's box , and in the other Lillierape's purse and papers. Matil. (putting box by fireplace and advancing to Flodder) Is Mr. Lillierape gone, sir? I have brought the things for him. Flod. (abstractedly) Oh! (stretches out his hands and takes things from Matilda) I’ll see that he has them. I’ll see that he has them, (puts the things in his pocket) I hope they will fit—-those that I lent him were too small. Matil. You are making a mistake, sir. Flod. ( breaking out) This is too much. At a moment when all my sympathy is required for myself, must I be bored by matters connected with Lillierape ? I shall go mad. Matil. Oh, sir, don’t; things may mend. Flod. I must request you will not allude to those confounded trowsers any more. Matil. I didn’t allude to them, sir—I alluded to you. Flod. To me! Matil. Yes ; I know all about it, I know about whom you are uneasy; she is nearer than you fancy. Flod. She—who? Matil. (looking down coyly) Why me, to be sure. Flod. You ! (suddenly stops , and then proceeds in a very slovj, low , and deliberate tone) It is not my wish, Matilda, to do you an injury—I bear you no ill-will; but mark me : I am not always master of my feelings, and, if you go on distracting me in this fashion, I do not guarantee that I will not break your neck or dislocate your left shoulder. Such being the result to which you are entitled to look forward, I beg to await any further communication. Matil. Ah, sir, you know— Flod. Know what? Matil. (coyly) Ah ! you know what you know. Flod. I - (going to burst forth , but restraining himself) Wait; that is true; I know, certainly, what I know—every man knows what he knows—still, that is a phenomenon of such daily occurrence that I hardly think you are entitled to attach to it the importance you do. B 14 where’s your wife? Matil. Not when it comes from you ? Flod. (bewildered) Comes from me— how ? Matil. By post. Flod. (more bewildered) What ? Matil. Your letter. Flod. To whom? Matil. To me. Flod. To you ? Am I dreaming ? Matil. I’m sure I thought I was at first. I never thought you would have kept your promise; but when I saw your dear eWm “ S; i W1<3n l re ? d , the beginning, “To my unbeknown charmer, and saw the invitation to Cremorne at the Aend_ X lod (gasping) Then you were the young female in the domino I met at the masked ball ? Matil. Yes. Isn’t it a surprise to you ? Flod. {aside) It is indeed, (aloud) And the letter ’ “ T L fn a ’ t0 b ® kft at the P° St 0ffice t" 11 of affection ! ° h h ° W 1 Shal 6Ver prize that first fond piedge Z L0D - I® 8 ’ how y ° l !, shaI1 ever pledge that first fond—fond J° U i ,a f ° nd th . at no, how you shall ever prize that pledge first—I —(sinks into chair , c., and gazes vacantly on the ground) I don’t feel quite the thing. 9 .■ .r ™', 1 ve helm’s above my spere ; I loved you the first time I seed you a-cleanm the winders at my last place. t a L0D ' Did I ever clean the windows at her last place ? J. do not recollect it—Ah ! my memory fails me. street TI1 " Ml '~ Nobbly ’ s > tbe coal and POtatoe shop down the Flod. (mechanically repeating her words) Mr. Nobblv’s, the cold potatoe shop ! J Matil. I couldn’t stop there though—my feelin’s, which I vnm W w ab ° Ve m / spere ’ w . ould not P remit it; so when I heard and rmfr S6rVant was (passing at the hack of his chair and putting one arm round his neck, while with the other she feels his forehead) But you are feverish. Flod. (aside) I should rather think I was. atil. Let your own Matilda blow upon you. F lod. (suddenly) Blow upon me ! on him) 1 " ^°° thin 3 him ) Yes, on your furard—so. (blowsgently Joe suddenly enters, d. c. Joe. Please, sir — oh, my eye. pvf t° D; suddenly up) What’s the matter with your la T ke that! ( runs °f ter JoE und kicks, hut without reaching him—. Toe exits, D. c.) where’s your wife? 15 Matil. Never mind him, sir— never mind him ; I can say I was sewing on a button. . , Flod. (e. c.) Yes, you can say so; {aside) but Ill be hanged if he’ll believe it. I—I must put an end to this. (aloud) You have my letter ? . , . ^ Matil. (l. c.) Yes. Oh, Mr. Flodder! Oh, Stanislaus! you my slave! No—no ; I am yours. ( falls upon his breast) Joe. (at window) Oh, my eye ! . . T Flod . {perceiving him) There’s that blessed hoy again. (JOE suddenly disappears) Matil. Oh! never mind him. b . Flod. I can’t tell him you were sewing on another button. Matil. ( looking up in his face ) Let me hear you say, m a whisper, that you love me; that my own Stanislaus loves me—in a whisper—in a whisper. f „ Flod. (aside) No one will be able to hear me make a fool ot mvself, that’s a comfort, {puts his mouth to her ear and Joe. (at window) Oh, my eye! ( disappears) Flod. (aside) This won’t do. If my wife were to arrive, I- (aloud) Matilda! . 7 Matil. (running up to him , catching hold of his arm and looking languishingly in his face) What does he want with 111 Flod Suppose—suppose instead of waiting for the evening you were to go and dress directly; we might then spend a happy day at Rosherville. Matil. Ah ! yes, but- Flod. But what? _ . £ Matil. I’ve got a lot of work to do. In the first place there’s that stove : I’ve brought up the brushes, (crossing to R., points to box near fire place) Flod. You go and dress—I’ll do the grate. Matil. Then I’ve got to go to Missus’s bootmaker. Flod. Oh, there’s Joe! (Joe runs on, door in flat) Joe. Yes, sir; here I am. # „ Flod (qoing to hurst out hut checking himself) You are pre¬ cious quick to-day. (aside) I’ll give you a nice little walk. (aloud) Just go to your mistress s bootmaker; you know where he lives ? Joe Yes sir. . Flod. And enquire whether those boots of hers are finished. I’ll take care of the shop. . Joe. Yes, sir. Exit Joe, door m flat Flod. That will get rid of him for some time—it is a good five miles, (aloud, and turning to Matilda) Now don t lose any time ; go and get dressed. 16 where’s your wife? Matil. You are ’arsh ; you speak unkindly, Flod. No, I don’t. Matil. My loving ’art can’t be deceived. Flod. Hang it. I tell you I don’t—there, I’ll do the stove. Matil. No, never—let me. My lot was a humble one—my fate was to black grates ; but yours- ( takes up box) Flod. {aside) She will drive me raving mad ; Anastasia may arrive any instant, {aloud) Nay, Matilda, the reflection that I am saving you trouble will call forth a ruddy glow in my breast —I mean cheek—as I polish each successive bar. I only regret it is not the kitchen range. Matil. This is bliss ! You shall —you shall polish it l Yes, and if it will make you happy you shall wash up the plates and make the beds. There, dear Stanislaus, are you satisfied ? I won’t be long, Stanislaus, I won’t be long. Exit , door R. Flod. I wish to heaven you belonged to anybody but me. When I have got her out of the house I shall be more tranquil. {takes up box } What the deuce am I to do with these confounded brushes? {takes brushes , &c., kneels down and commences brushing grate) Ouf! it is rather hard work, {passes Ms. handover Ms fore¬ head and leaves a broad smudge there—at this moment the shopbell is heard) The shop bell—ah! {is making an effort to rise when the door is thrown hastily open and Joe enters . Joe stands lost in astonishment) Flod. {who is also lost in astonishment for some time 7 at last manages to speak) I— I told you to go to Mrs. Flodder’s boot¬ maker or—or shoemaker. Joe. It’s six of one and half-a-dozen of the other, sir, but you said bootmaker. Flod. {gradually recovering himself) Then what is the reason you have not been ? Joe. I have, sir. Flod. Why he lives five miles off! Joe. He used to, sir, but he’s moved—he’s got the new shop round the corner here. Flod. Ah ! I - {not knowing what to say and smiling in a sickly way) I’ve been testing some of the new black lead we had in lately. Joe. So I perceive, sir, only it happens to be some of the old. Flod. Ah, ha ! That will do, Joseph, you may retire. Joe. {shopbell) There’s missus ! Flod. {aside) The deuce there is! {aloud) Put—take- Don’t you hear me ? Why don’t you do as I tell you? Joe. You ain’t told me nothing. Flod. Then why don’t you do it ? No, I mean, you’re a fool—a—a—there, there, {takes up brushes , *&?., gives them to Joe, and pushes him out door , r.) So she is there, is she? where’s your wife? 17 —the perfidious one! I’ll—but, no, there’s that Matilda—till she is gone, I must restrain my feelings; I must prevent their meeting; I—ah, my wife! Enter Mrs. Flodder, door in flat. Mrs. F. Good morning, dear! You did not expect me so soon, did you. Flod. My darling — my own one ! {aside) Viper! {aloud) If you only knew how I have been looking for your return— Come and give your Stanislaus a kiss. Mrs. F. {looking at him) Ah ! what have you been doing to your face ? Flod. My face ? Mrs. F. Yes! it’s all smudged with black — look in the glass! Flod. {looking in glass — aside) That precious black lead! Mrs. F. Do you see, love ? Flod. She calls me “love!” and I dare not crush her! {aloud) Oh, that’s only—it’s a little—I have no hesitation in saying it’s -—a little dirt, {wipes his face with apron) Mrs. F. So I perceive. Flod. So you perceive—playful little quiz ! {aside) Oh, this is degrading; but I must endure it. Mrs. F. I thought you would be so glad to see me back. Flod. {aside) I wish I could see her back, for the present at least, {aloud) I was just going out, dear; you may as well accompany me. Mrs. F. With pleasure! I will first give Matilda a few directions, {crosses to R.) Flod. {staying her) No, no! you can do that when you return. Enter Joe, door in flat. Joe. Please, sir, you’re wanted. Flod. I’m engaged — I’m not at home! I’m gone to an inquest, or some other entertainment—Go ! (Joe retires up stage ) hut remains , looking with astonishment at Flodder) Flod. I will not leave my Anastasia directly I have got her again for all the- {squeezing her) Mrs. F. Ah, don’t squeeze me! Now don’t neglect your business, Stanislaus—Go, I insist! Flod. If I do, you must promise you will not move, {seats her in chair) There! she must sit down and not budge an inch till I return—I will not have her tire herself, {kisses her) Joe. Oh, my eye ! Flod. {turning and seeing Joe) What are you staring there for ? Get out! {rushing after him , kicking him off\ door in flat , and following) 18 where’s your wife? Lilli. ( inside room—rattling door) Hollo ! Flodder, let me o lit, there’s a good fellow ! (Mrs. F. rises, and going to door , L., unlocks it —Lillicrape comes out ) Lilli. I say, old-( perceives Mrs. F. and starts back in the utmost astonishment) Oil! Mrs. F. Oh! Lilli. ( looking anxiously around) Hush ! Mrs. F. I little expected this pleasure. Lilli. No more did I. (hurriedly) Where is he? Mrs. F. In the shop. How did you discover who I was? what true chivalry ! despite the fearful risk you ran, you— but, you despise that. Lilli, (aside) Do I ? (aloud—very nervously) Not so loud! not so loud ! Mrs. F. True ! I had forgotten—if he should see you-- Lilli. It does not matter so much about that—but, do not let him notice anything—do not let him suppose- Mrs. F k Not for the world ! I know his rash—his hasty, and impetuous temper. Lilli. So do I! he’s awfully vindictive—so I think if I could get away. I have had a slight mishap with my—my toilet. Mrs. F. (with a slight scream) Ah ! (turning away her head) Lilli. For goodness’ sake, suppress your feelings, and lend me half a crown to—to get out of the window here, (points into room) Mrs. F. Half a crown to get out of the window ? Lilli. I might then take a cab. Mrs. F. I see. But why leave me?—you are happy here. Lilli, (with a most wretched air) Oh, most happy ! But for —for your sake- Mrs. F. Do not think of me. Hush! he’s coming ! Lilli. Is he ? (he hastily retires , and pulls the door after him. Mrs. Flodder resumes her seat) Flodder enters at door in flat. Flod. (coming down stage — aside) Matilda has not turned up ; that’s well, (aloud) Now, my dear, are you ready? Mrs. F. Quite. Flod. Then let us lose no time—come, (about to go up stage) Mrs. F. But you are surely not going out with those sleeves on? Flod. Lor’ bless me, no—of course not. (taking them off) Matilda enters , door r., extravagantly dressed. Flod. (aside) Ah ! now for it! Matil. I am ready to—Ah ! missus! where’s your wife? 19 Mrs. F. (i turning round) Matilda ! Matil. Yes, mum. Mrs. F. Well, where—where are you going? (Flodder signs to Matilda behind his wife's back) Matil. I’m going out, mum. Mrs. F. Going out ? Matil. Yes, mum, Mr. Flodder gave me leave; I suppose he’s master, leastways, when you’re not in. Mrs. F. Stanislaus, do you hear what she says? Flod. Yes, I—I did give her leave, my dear. Mrs. F. That is not what I mean. Did you hear her words? —Do you remark her manner ? Will you allow your wife to be insulted by one, who—who- Matil. I am no more one who than you are yourself, mum. Perhaps I’ve feelin’s above my spere, and though I’m only a poor servant girl some people may see something in me which he likes—perhaps. ( looking at Flodder) Flod. {aside to Matilda) Yes, but—confound it! hold your tongue. Mrs. F. What do you meai ? Matil. Never mind—some people may know what I means, and if he wishes me to speak out I will not think of myself; I will make any sacrifice on the halter of his feelings. Flod. {aside) No, no! Mrs. F. What horrible suspicion flashes across my brain! Stanislaus, unravel this mystery. In my short absence can you have- Flod. No, no—I haven’t- Mrs. F. The thought is distraction; Tell me— tell me what she means? Matil. Well, if you will know- Flod. (in the greatest terror) Yes, if you will know- Mrs. F. Go on—go on ! Flod. Calm yourself; she means—I’m sure she means—yes that’s what she means—she is sorry, she- Matil. No, I ain’t! Mrs. F. No, she ain’t—she glories in it! She leaves the house this very night—this very instant! Pay her her wages, Stanislaus, and send her away. Do not let me ever see her again, (rushes off,\ door R.) Flod. (aside) You shall not, if I can help it! (aloud) Now, Matilda, you heard what Mrs. Flodder said ? Matil. Yes, I did; but I think you can’t have heard it, leastways you can’t have understood it. Flod. What! Why not ? Matil. Because, if you had, you would never have allowed me to be treated like that! And all for what ? Because I’ve 20 where’s your wife? feelin’s above my spere—because I love you! Oh, it’s too bad! ( takes out her handkerchief and begins to cry) Flod. ( looking anxiously at door , R.) Don’t—don’t do that. Matil. ( sitting L. of r. table ) I wish I was dead! Flod. {aside) And so do I ! Matil. Be-be-becau-cause you do-ont care a bit abou-out me ! Flod. {aside) No, I’m blessed if I do ! Matil. Not a hatom ! Flod. I beg your pardon—what ? Matil. A-a hatom ! Flod. Yes, I do ! I—but you shouldn’t have answered as you did, you should have recollected she was my wife. Matil. And so I did recollect it! {savagely) And that’s what made me answer. What right has she to a ’art like yours ? I hate her ! I love you so much I could kill her. Flod. She gave you warning. Matil. But you didn’t; you don’t want me to go. {rising) Flod. No—no; certainly not. Matil. Then I won’t, {sitting down again) Flod. {aside) What is she doing now? {aloud) Are you going to stay there, Matilda ? Matil. Yes, Stanislaus, I am. I will never leave you — never, never, never, never. Flod. {soothingly) But, Matilda- Matil. Ah ! you want to get rid of me. Flod, No— no, no, I don’t. I am too devotedly attached to you—I- Matil. You are ! Flod. Yes, dear Matilda ! M atil. Oh ! if you know’d what I feel when you talk like that- {rising) I’ve feelin’s above my spere. Call me Matilda again, {taking his arm) Call me Tilly. Flod. So I will. I’ll call you any thing you like, if you will only be reasonable. You see—to express it but mildly—my position is an awkward one. The world has certain pre¬ judices. Matil. The world is ’ollow. Flod. It is—but it has prejudices—erroneous I grant, but deeply rooted. Mrs. Flodder happens to be my wife —so to keep up appearances- Matil. Appearances! And would you sacrifice a loving ’art to appearances ? {sarcastically) Oh! do so by all means. Never mind me. What’s a woman’s ’art ? What’s a-? Flod. Matilda—Tilly ! may I conjure you not to indulge in interrogations of this description—the answers to which, whether viewed in an anatomical or a metaphysical light would involve a greater expenditure of time than I, under the cir- where’s your wife? 21 cnmstances, can afford to bestow on them. I say Mrs. Flodder is my wife ; and however much I may deplore the fact, it is one the law in its present defective state will not allow me to forget. I promised to take you to Rosherville— I will do so if you will leave this house at once and wait for me somewhere. Matil. Where? Flod. Oh! Nelson’s Monument, or the Duke of York’s Column. Matil. They’re so permiscuous, and I’ve feelin’s above my spere. Let it be some genteel place. Flod. By all means. The penny ice-shop in the next street, {gives her money) There’s a fourpenny bit ; spare no expense. Have a penny ice—have two penny ices ; and get your boots blacked with the surplus. Matil. I will wait half an hour—half an hour, mind—and if you deceive me-- Flod. Deceive you! Matil. I will come back and break every window in the house—I do love you so—and then I shall be took up, and it will all come out in the papers. Flod. {romantically) Adieu, till then. Matil. What! without one kiss, Stanislaus ? Flod. How could you suppose such a thing ? (kisses her and is about to leave her but she retains him till he has kissed her repeatedly — at length he looks up and perceives Joe peering above the blind at back) Joe. Oh! my eye ! Flod. Confound it! that boy again! Matil. Good-bye. {looks at him languishingly and exit , door in flat) Flod. Thank goodness she is gone ! if she ever hearthstones my door step again, I’ll—but I have no time to lose—I will get Mrs. F. out of the house; that’s the first step, (he raises his eyes, and perceives Joe’s head at window — Joe bobs down directly he is observed) Ah ! I’m pressed for time, but I will spare two minutes- (calling) Joe ! to give that prying vaga¬ bond- {calling) Joe ! the finest hiding he ever—Joe I say ! Enter Joe at door in flat—he hangs back . Joe. (aside) I don’t like his eye. Flod. What are you stopping there for ? Joe. I was afeard of intruding—I’ve seed such a jolly lot of it lately. Flod. A jolly lot of what? Joe. Of affection to be sure—first there was missus; then there was Matilda—I had my eye on you just now. 22 where’s your wife? Flod. ( crestfallen — aside) He had his eye on me—that boy has his eye everywhere—I am denied the poor satisfaction of licking him—I must even propitiate him. {aloud) Joe, I called you here to give you something. Joe. Thank you, sir. Flod. To give you—well—a—a—can you keep your tongue in your head ? Joe. I think so ; that’s where I generally keep it; and no¬ thing’s happened to induce me to put it in my breeches-pocket. Flod. Oh! ha! ha! very good, Joe—very good, {aside) Insolent young scoundrel! {aloud) Well, then, Joe, if you don’t say a word about- {stops short) Joe. {looking at him stolidly) Yes, sir. Flod. I repeat, if you don’t say a word about seeing me— me—me- Joe. A shaking hands with Matilda ? Flod. {eagerly) Hem! yes—why, Joe, there’s a sovereign, and I’ll raise your salary two shillings a week. Joe. I shan’t say nothing, sir—not I. {pockets money ) Flod. Recollect! two shillings a week. Joe. I shan’t forget, sir. {aside) And I’ll take jolly good care you don’t, old fellow. Exit , door in flat . Flod. Now to get rid of Anastasia—perfidious woman ! Enter Lilli crape, cautiously , door l. 2 E. Lilli, {looking round cautiously) She is not here, {aloud) Hoy! Flodder! Flod. {who is just going out at door R., returns) Who’s that ? Oh ! it’s you, is it? I’ve no time to attend to you now. Lilli. But, my dear boy, I can’t stop here all my life. Flod. I don’t suppose you can—my lease is out next month, and, unless you die before that expires, the chances are you will be ejected by the incoming tenant, {aside) Oh! Anastasia! Lilli. You misunderstand me—you have got my purse. I want two pounds to purchase a pair of trousers. Flod. Can selfishness go thus far, when I feel poring at every burst—no—bursting at every pore. Am I—am I to hear nothing all my life but demands for trousers ? {with supreme contempt) Such selfishness is sickening—bah ! Exit , door R. Lilli, {running to door, which Flodder hangs in his face) What am I to do ? Oh ! I wish it were night, or that we had a dense fog, or something. Every moment Flodder may take it into his head to read that letter—every moment he may rush in, and- Ah! a happy thought—the first happy one I have had for some hours, {going to door and calling) Joe ! where’s your wife? 23 Enter Joe, door in flat. Lilli. Joe, you know the shop where they advertize the sixteen shilling trousers ? Joe. Yes, with the best part of a swell getting on a high- mettled horse. Lilli. Right! run there, and tell the man to bring me four or five pairs- Joe. Won’t one be enough? Lilli. To choose from. Run—I’ll mind the shop, and give you five shillings for your trouble. Joe. I won’t be long, sir. {aside) I’d like to spill my tea over him every day. Exit at bach . Lilli. I’ve no money to pay till I get home ; but that’s no matter—if I once get the trousers on, I’m hanged if any one shall get them off again, and if the man takes me to the station- house for swindling he shall take me in his own property at any rate. Ah ! {starts) Enter Flodder, hurriedly , door r. Lilli. You gave me such a start—I thought it was Mrs. Flodder. Flod. And if it had been, what then? You need not care about Mrs. Flodder, for she does not care about you—in fact, I rather think she despises you. Lilli. Despises me! What for? {aside) Can he have- {aloud) Why, what have I done? Flod. It is not what you have done, but what / have done. From certain hints which that precious Matilda let drop, Mrs. F. took it into her head to suspect there was something wrong —some mystery. Under present circumstances this would place me in a false position. Lilli. I see that perfectly. Flod. I am glad you agree with me. I told her it was too true that Matilda had an intrigue—but with you. Lilli. With me! Flod. Yes, ain’t you delighted? Ah ! what is life without friendship. Friendship is- Ah ! Lillicrape, how shall I ever repay you ? {offers to embrace him) Lilli, {retreating) Yes; but I don’t. see it—I object—I object most strongly—I will not allow my character to:- Flod. Your character ! Would you think of your character when mine is concerned? Is friendship then a mere fiction— a mockery—a- Lilli. I don’t know ; but I shall deny the charge—I—I have reasons. Flod. What reasons ? Lilli. Why, I—I—never mind, {confused) 24 where’s your wife? Flod. I don’t. When selfishness runs thus riot, it must be crushed like some venomous animal, some wild and ferocious denizen of the forest—say a blackbeetle! and I crush it accordingly with my contempt! ( stamps with his heel on stage) I squash it! There—ah! I fancy I hear Anastasia. I will be off. Just mind the shop ! (rushes towards door at bach — Lillicrape rushes after him and endeavours to restrain him—a slight struggle — Lilli¬ crape is thrown into a chair L. of table — Flodder picks up his apron which he has previously dropped on the floor —puts it over Lillicrape’s head , and exits door in flat) Lilli. The shop may take care of itself. Sooner than stop a single instant I would—I would—yes, I would ride through the Metropolis like a—a—a Lord Godiva! {gets up from chair) Enter Mrs. Flodder from door r., she pulls him bach from door in flat . Mrs. F. Stop! Lilli. My dear madam! Mrs. F. Oh ! that it should come to this. Lilli, {aside) Oh ! indeed ! {aloud) I am innocent. Mrs. F. Innocent! would I could think so ; but, impossibl —my husband has told me all—I am acquainted with your base, your grovelling propensities. I fondly fancied it was I you cared for. Lilli. So— so it was. {at this moment Flodder’s head is seen looking in at door bach) Mrs. F. Oh! no, no, no! It was for that creature —that wretch, Matilda- Lilli. It was for your own sweet self; it— {aside) I can’t help it, it must come out. {aloud) It’s Flodder who is in love with her. (Flodder suddenly withdraws his head) Mrs. F. You would excuse yourself at the expense of your friend. (Flodder again puts his head in) This is vile! how little does it tally with the noble, the exalted sentiments of your first letter. (Flodder who has a red herring in his hand shakes it at Lillicrape) See, {takes letter out of her bosom) here it is; I have hitherto foolishly pillowed it next my heart, but now- {as she is speaking Flodder advances noiselessly but rapidly and snatches the letter from her) Flod. {drawing himself up with virtuous indignation) Now I have got it, madam. Mrs. F. {hiding her face in her hands) Ah ! Lilli. Oh! Flod. Abandoned woman! {turning to Lillicrape) And you, the viper I have nourished, selfish even to the last. Couldn’t you take away the wife of any other man ? there are where’s your wife? 25 plenty of them. I could weep, but this is not the time for it; besides, ( feeling in his trow sers pockets and then in the breast of his coat ) I have not a handkerchief, I’ve only a herring.—AM {rushes to sofa , R., and takes up rifle) The hour for vengeance is arrived ! Lilli, (l.) Stop, hold! would you attack one who has no weapon to defend himself? Flod. I would scorn it—take that, {throws Lillicrape the herring) It’s a bloater. Now. {raises his rifle , when a crashing of glass is heard , followed by a violent ringing of the shop bell — Flodder drops his rifle — aside) She’s kept her word ! it will come out in the papers. (Mrs. F. and Lillicrape look at Flodder in mute astonishment — the door at back is flung violently open and Matilda rushes in) Matil. Where is he ? where is Stanislaus ?—my Stanislaus ! Mrs. F. Ah ! it is but too true ; my husband, base, deceitful, treacherous man that he is- Flod. Stop, madam—Anastasia no more —is it not yourself, not I, who are, who am—no, who is the criminal ? I will not trouble you to answer, I will do so myself; it are—no, it am— I mean it is. Whatever 1 have done was done from the purest, the most noble of motives, which I cannot expect you to appre¬ ciate, for a woman who can write such a letter as this— {points to letter in his hand) Mrs. F. {hanging down her head) Spare me ! Flod. I will not spare you. I will peruse, in an audible voice, this proof of your perfidy, {proceeds with great dignity to read the letter — starts) What is this ? Mrs. F. {changing her manner) A letter, I believe, from a certain Mr. Flodder to Laura, to be left at the post office till called for. Flod. {aside) A frightful suspicion dawns on me. Lilli, {aside) I’ll be off. (tries to steal away , but Matilda pulls him back) Mrs. F. I am Laura. I discovered your vile intention of going to that ball. I was present in a domino. Flod. Then, this—this person- {pointing to Matilda) Matil. {demurely) I only did what Missus told me, sir. Flod {aside) It strikes me I am an ass ! {aloud )My dear Anastasia, if you only knew my motives; but why enter into details ? You might blame me, now, were I like Lillicrape—he has no motives, and yet it was to please him I went to- Lilli. I can’t stand this; it was not. Flod. Selfish to the last, (retires a little) Mrs. F. Never mind, Mr. Lillicrape. Mrs. Lillicrape will settle with him. {crossing to Lillicrape) Lilli. Oh ! but you won’t tell her, I hope. Let me beg— let me entreat you to preserve silence on this little mistake. c 26 where’s your wife? Mrs. F. ( smiling good humouredly ) Well, I will. Lilli. (< greatly relieved) Thank you—thank you ! Mrs. F. Because she knows all about it already. Lilli, and Flod. What? Matil. (taking off her red wig) Yes, Mr. Lillicrape; every word. Lilli, (aside) My wife ! The devil! Flod. (aside) Serve him right. He’s in for it. (Lillicrape sinks on knees—at this moment Joe enters door in flat , with parcel of trowsers) Joe. Here are the- (seeing Lillicrape) Oh, my eye ! Matil. Give them me, Joe. Joe. (hesitating) Give them you. Lilli, (in a faint voice) Yes, give them to her, Joe. Joe. (giving Matilda trousers) Very good, (aside) It’s all correct. I’m blessed if she don’t seem used to wearing on ’em. (goes up and comes down ) R.) Matil. Well, Mr. Flodder, why should you not assume the same position as my Lillicrape? you’re a great deal worse than he, for he is only a great stupid old donkey, (tapping his face) Lilli, (kissing his wife's hand) Oh, how good of you! Matil. While you - Mrs. F. Come, I think he has had a severe lesson enough, and will in future bear in mind that if gentlemen will write to young ladies at the post office, they do so at their own peril— there, (holds out her hand , which Flodder kisses) If you have no objection, Mr. and Mrs. Lillicrape shall stop to dinner. Flod. If she would do me the honour, I am sure- Matil. (with her old manner) Stanislaus, I’ve feelin’s above my spere ; I will never leave you—never, never, never! Flod. Oh, it’s all very well, but if you could only understand my motives- Matil"* j'Cornc, come > this * s too rich! Flod. Isn’t there any one who will appreciate them ? (looks at audience and starts) Iloilo ! why I met you and you, I’m hanged if I didn’t! (aside to them , confidentially) at that very ball. Don’t be frightened, I’ll not split, but I’ll give you a piece of advice. If any of you should ever feel inclined to follow my example, before you do so, be able to answer one im¬ portant question—Where’s your Wife ? Joe. Mrs. F. Flodder. Matilda. Lillicrape. r. L. Curtat'w. Printed by Thomas Scott, 1, Warwick Court, Holbom, SIXPBN’CE E ACJH, Post Free, and of all Booksellers. VOLUME 39. 7! A Life’s Revenge 72 Iron Cheat 73 Captain Charlotte /4 ffoung Mother 75 Nervous Man T 6 Henry the Fifth 17 Poor Gentleman r 8 Midnight Watch 79 Satanus 10 Child of the Wreck 11 RipVan Winkle Opera 12 Catching an Heiress *& Vandyke Brown 34 Jane Shore 15! Blectra ! VOLUME 40. Sj Everybody’s Friend 7; Richard ye Thirde 8|Hnnting a Turtle 9Which of the Two 0 King and I 1 Dream Spectre 2 Ici on Parle Francais 5 Turning theTables i Seven Clerks > I’ve written to Brown 3 Julias Caesar r Three Cuckooa 1 Whitefriars > Rifle Volunteers ) Nine Points of the Law VOLUME 41. Olympic Revels I Olympic Devils I Oeep Deep Sea l ICaught by the Ears 1 Retained for Defence i If the Cap fits— How’s your Uncle I Three Red Men Tem Cringle School for Coquettes L Ruthven I Babes in the Wood 1 Water Witches I Payable on Demand > Old Offender(An) VOL. 42. 1 Extremes Is. 7 Road to Ruin 1 House or the Home ? Artful Dodge ) dhevalierMasonRonge L John Bull 5 Love and Fortune 1 Rifle Sc how to use it £ Love and Hunger i Peggy Green (Nature i Too much for Good- 7 Virginus Burlesque 1 Dick Turpin £ Magic Toys I Halve the Unknown VOLUME 43. . Fool’s Revenge Is. S Husband to Order Romeo & JulietBurlesq : Dog of Montargia Rendevoua \illage Lawyer Nursey Chick weed Evil Eye Shameful Behaviour Gcod for Evil Raymond and Agnos ; Tell orStnkeof Cantons Nymph of Lurieyberg 6 44 Alfred the Great 645 Jack the Giant Killer VOLUME 44. 646 Alice Gray 647 King Thrushbeard 643 Household Fairy 649 Cricket on the Hearth 650 Head of the Family 651 Ruth the lass that loves a Sailor 652 Beau Brummell 653 Farmer’s Story 654Goose withGoldenHggs 655 Dido 656 Holly Bush Hall 657 Sisterly Servica <358 Forest Keeper 659 My Wife’s 2nd. Floor 660 Paphian Bower VOLUME 45. 661 Tale of Two Cities (A) 632 Founded on Facts 663 Two Polts 664 Pork Chops 665 Thrice Married 668 Duel in the Snow 66 7 Uncle Zachary 638 “ B. 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