Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2017 with funding from 
 
 University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign Alternates 
 
 https://archive.org/details/commercialroomOOoneo 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 

 LONDON, « W. SMITH, 113, FLEE^T STREET. 
 

 ** 
 
 t 
 
61 SI, 
 
 “ If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been 
 churches, and poor men’s cottages, princes’ palaces.” 
 
 Merchant of Venice. 
 
 
INTEODUCTION. 
 
 IN making your Body ” a subject of song, 
 
 ’Tis right you should know, that to it I belong. 
 
 “ Commercial I am — One of us'' — on the Roadf 
 Your Room" is my home, an Hotel my abode ; 
 
 And it grieves me, when I of your faults have to sing ; — 
 As I thus on myself a sad odium may bring. 
 
 The appeal which I’ve made, when invoking my Muse, 
 Will clearly, dear Brethren, reveal all my views ; 
 
 In taking these sketches, I ne’er had a thought 
 They would in this form to your notice be brought ; 
 
 My object at first was an innocent one, 
 
 The hope of amusing my friends when I ’d done. 
 
 I wrote and I read, my friends heard and they praised, 
 
 Until it at length curiosity raised ; 
 
VI 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Some ask’d as a favour, whilst others entreated, 
 
 I ’d not fail to publish whene’er I ’d completed ; 
 
 So many appealing, I could not refuse ; 
 
 And now that they ’re publish’d, I hope they ’ll amuse. 
 You ’ll bear ihi^ in mind, that the characters shown. 
 Allude to no persons ; — they ’re classes alone ; 
 
 But there are some few who the Body ” disgrace. 
 
 That may in my sketches their own portraits trace ; 
 And should they show wrath, I ’d pray them forbear it, 
 For where the cap fits, they are welcome to wear it : 
 Combined with your smiles, a reform was my aim ; 
 
 I wrote in good humour, pray read in the same. 
 
 Lend thy aid, oh my Muse, that I now may describe 
 The genus Commercial ,'' — a Travelling tribe — 
 
 What they are, or are not, or what they might be, 
 
 I fain would define, and appeal now to Thee ! 
 
 As one of themselves, I would show how they live, 
 
 But all in good feeling and no offence give ; 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Their virtues and faults I would try to detail, 
 
 Give praise to the one, o’er the other bewail. 
 
 For faults they possess like the rest of mankind. 
 
 And also excuses would readily find. 
 
 I know how they ’re tempted, no class of men more. 
 Thus most of their foibles I’ll pass lightly o’er : 
 
 And ere we condemn ’tis but justice to pause, 
 
 Not judge of a fault, ’till aware of its cause. 
 
 In seeking Thy aid let me keep this in view. 
 
 That merit I’ll give wheresoe’er it is due ; 
 
 And this be my maxim, the Truth to pursue. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Y Muse in song would fain describe 
 Brethren^ your Body^ as a Tribe : — 
 , were erst your names, I’m told, 
 
 A title now that ’s deem’d too old ; 
 
 But whether you on saddles ride. 
 
 Or o’er the land on railroads glide. 
 
 Or drive your own to cut a show. 
 
 In gig the fast, or four-wheel slow ; 
 
 Or, whether you the posting try. 
 
 Mounted aloft on lace trap high. 
 
 Your avocation ’s still the same. 
 
 Whatever we may call your name : 
 
 A rose, as Shakspeare says so featly. 
 
 By other name would smell as sweetly. 
 
 B 
 
2 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 You are a roving, trav’ling race, 
 
 Who move about from place to place, 
 Orders seeking, money taking. 
 
 Albeit few their fortunes making. 
 Although divided in two classes, 
 
 Each by the style of Traveler passes, — • 
 
 Id est,” once did ; but now, I ken, 
 
 You are “ Commercial Gentlemen,'''' 
 
 One is by stated salary joaid. 
 
 The other in commission trade ; 
 
 This trav’ling in commission sense 
 Is journeying at your own expense ; 
 
 By th’ amount of bus’ness done, you gain 
 The cash, and income thus obtain ; 
 
 But should it be the other way. 
 
 You then receive so much per day. 
 
 That you may all expenses pay ; 
 
 Besides a sum that ’s fix’d per year. 
 
 As in agreement may appear : 
 
 No scale of sums can here be stated. 
 
 For that is by your talent rated. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 3 
 
 At dinner she shall sketch you first, — 
 A meal, I guess, that ’s not the worst 
 Which you throughout the day may take. 
 And not alone for Landlord's sahe^ 
 Presuming that you always dine^'' 
 
 And likewise take your pint of wine, 
 
 She will describe the parties there. 
 Though she decline to name the fare. 
 
 The dinner ’s good, she will presume — 
 Bad dinners in Commercial Boom ! ” 
 Exclaims the host, who knows full well 
 The tale good dinners always tell. 
 
 Yes, well he knows good dinners will 
 At least increase the dinner hill. 
 
 No doubt that is the potent reason 
 You always have the best in season ; 
 
 Be it of fowl, of game, or fish. 
 
 He 11 tell you that lis his first dish.” 
 
 B 2 
 
4 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOxM. 
 
 But to be brief — I find I must — 
 
 Suppose this dinner is discussed 
 Also, that all is well approved ; 
 
 The table clear’d, the cloth removed ; 
 
 You all are pleased — you ’ve had enough. 
 
 And only want one pinch of snuff.” 
 
 Y ou drink the Qiceen^ the Prince^ the Ladies^ 
 Then ^-absent friends,” and talk how trade is 
 Why one succeeds, another fails. 
 
 Or, what have been your journey’s sales ; 
 
 Or, of your mare’s or horse’s paces ; 
 
 Or, of the odds at coming races ; 
 
 Or, of best inns upon your route ; 
 
 And now pints of wine are out. 
 
 The President then calls the bill,” 
 
 That each may go where’er he will. 
 
 But I perceive among you one 
 Who grieves to find the wine is done ; 
 
 I know the class — he ’s one of those 
 Who often will a whip propose ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 5 
 
 Or else may do it in this way, 
 
 As Gentlemen, what do you say. 
 
 We have a first-rate dinner had. 
 
 The wine, I think, is not so bad ; 
 
 ’Tis long since I ’d so good before — 
 Shall we have then one bottle more ? ” 
 At this I see another start 
 To second it — with all his heart ; ” 
 
 “ One bottle more would be as well. 
 Shall I, sir, — (rising) — touch the belli” 
 And this address I see is meant 
 To strike the worthy President, 
 
 Who answers with his usual ease — 
 
 “ ’Tis, gentlemen, just as you please, 
 ’Tis yours to order, mine t’ obey ; 
 
 If you say yes, I can’t say nay.” 
 
 He speaks — and looks the table round. 
 But no dissenting voice is found ; 
 Therefore the waiter’s bell now rings. 
 Who, with the bill, a bottle brings. 
 
6 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Which soon is drunk ; then, with flush’d cheek, 
 Each sallies forth more trade to seek. 
 
 A stranger here would, doubtless, say. 
 
 That, surely, this is not the way 
 Commercial men dine every day ? 
 
 To that, I answer simply, Yes, 
 
 But gen’rally one bottle less. 
 
 Their bus’ness now will not admit 
 Much time for them o’er AVine to sit ; 
 
 And seldom can it now be said, 
 
 That they exceed their pint per head ; 
 
 But, formerly, a dinner score 
 Would show not 07 ie, hut many more. 
 
 I should not sing of what has been. 
 
 But what now is, and to be seen ; 
 
 My Muse shall, therefore, be confined 
 To those who have this instant dined. 
 
 They ’ve dined, and gone, so she may scan 
 The private feelings of each man ; 
 
 In hopes the motive to define 
 Why they had call’d this extra wine. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 She will forthwith with him begin, 
 Who wish’d this extra bottle in. 
 
 As Trav’ler, he is rather old ; 
 
 Some thirty years, as I am told, 
 
 An Inn has been his sole abode ; 
 
 His Life, his Hope, his All — ^Hhe Eoad.” 
 He thinks no grade, no rank, or station, 
 Or class of men within the nation. 
 
 Can stand so high as the Commercial ; 
 And ’tis his converse controversial. 
 
 If men of property or science, 
 
 He bids them one and all defiance ; 
 
 He tells you he abhors degTees, 
 
 M.A.’s, M.B.’s, M.C.’s, M.D.’s ; 
 
 Those who from Oxford orders gain’d. 
 And Cambridge, he alike disdain’d ; 
 
 And if to them he e’er referr’d. 
 
 Applied a short expressive word. 
 
8 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 That rhymes with Carrie but which, if used, 
 My Muse, I fear, would be abused ; 
 
 He ’d send them on the road to look 
 For orders there and fill his book ; 
 
 And if they had his samples too. 
 
 It was but little they would do. 
 
 A Trav’ler’s room he thought best college. 
 And no such place for gaining knowledge ; 
 Where could you meet, among mankind. 
 With parties of such different mind ? 
 
 For day by day, this, sir, our case is, 
 
 We move about and see fresh faces ; 
 
 Fresh faces always fresh things say. 
 
 And that, sir, is the only way 
 We see, and learn, and know so much; 
 
 Our life for learning is non-such ; — 
 
 Our knowledge is pragmatical. 
 
 Not dry book- work — grammatical.” 
 
 This was his style, when he 'd address 
 A stranger, whom he would impress 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 9 
 
 With the importance of his craft, 
 
 All which the stranger heard, and laughed. 
 
 Commercials were the first of men,” 
 
 And He the first of them, I ken. 
 
 My Muse will state the reason why 
 He would so oft for more wine try. 
 
 Of samples he has none, or few ; 
 
 Of clients rarely more than two ; 
 
 But he is often much delayed. 
 
 And sometimes in a town has stay’d 
 Two days or more, as case may be. 
 
 Until he could these clients see. 
 
 That time must be employed, of course. 
 And he, alas ! has no resource 
 Within himself ; for it is said. 
 
 He nothing but the Globe e’er read. 
 
 He ’ll eat, or drink, or snuff, or smoke. 
 
 But to enjoy y must make a joke. 
 
 His tales he oft relates twice o’er, 
 
 But yours, he always heard before 
 
10 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 His converse is most Argus-F ed,” 
 
 Ego a hundred times applied. 
 
 'Tis what I ’ve seen, I ’ve said, I VE done, — 
 Now pray is he, oh Muse ! the one 
 You ’d choose for a companion ? 
 
 Good dinners to such men as this 
 Constitute all of earthly bliss ; 
 
 At such times they expatiate 
 
 How this is dress'd, and should be eat. 
 
 'Tis then they ask, with blandest voice. 
 
 For fav’rite cuts or tit-bit choice ; 
 
 And tell you how and where they lie. 
 
 With wat’ring lip and sparkling eye. 
 
 And when they have their dinners ha.d. 
 
 Are vex’d and grieved with trouble sad ; 
 
 For then they calculate, with fear. 
 
 That time will soon be drawing near. 
 
 When by themselves they will be left. 
 
 Of all good company bereft. 
 
 Therefore our friend thus sought to raise 
 (By giving to the wine the praise) 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 11 
 
 A means, by which he might detain 
 The company, which will explain 
 Why he proposed the ^^whip of shilling,” 
 Or hoped that none would be unwilling 
 To have one bottle and the bill.” 
 
 This he perform’d with practised skill, 
 
 All which to sing my Muse has tried. 
 Now show his “ seconder ” beside. 
 
 I am not sure, but have a notion. 
 
 That he who seconded ” the motion 
 Which by our selfish friend was made, 
 Was one who did ” the landlord’s trade. 
 If so, I fairly may suppose 
 That he, at least, would not oppose 
 This call for more, but rather might 
 Act as he did from motives right. 
 
 His orders from the host, I guess. 
 
 Would not be more, but rather less, 
 
 Had he said no,” instead of yes.” 
 
 But this I say from what I ’ve seen, 
 
 (In almost every room I ’ve been,) 
 
12 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And what I still expect to see, — 
 
 These men in general are most free 
 From this once sad prevailing sin 
 Of having one more bottle in/* 
 
 Mention I could among them those 
 Who ’d check it, rather than propose : 
 
 ’Tis not the object of my Muse 
 To laud this class or yet abuse ; 
 
 But this she gives as her opinion, 
 
 That he is one among a million 
 Who could from dinner table rise. 
 Whene’er his trade with landlord lies, 
 
 And ’tis proposed one bottle more 
 Should be included in the score. 
 
 She fears that she may tedious seem, 
 
 So will return to her first theme ; 
 
 There try to show in clearest light, 
 
 Why these men drank — or wrong, or right. 
 She can no other cause assign 
 Except this one^ or love of wine. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 13 
 
 Which could induce our friend declare, 
 ‘‘With all his heart,” as he did there. 
 
 More wine is order’d in, I deem, 
 
 That novices they may not seem ; 
 
 They ’d not for worlds be thought so small. 
 And therefore one more bottle call ; 
 
 For somewhere they have learn ’d to think 
 Him most the man who most can drink ; 
 This feeling oft prevails among 
 Those men who, on the road^ are young. 
 Such was, the Muse opines, the case 
 With more than one who took a place 
 At this our sample dinner table ; 
 
 And would refuse, but were not able ; 
 Through vanity, lest some should think 
 They had not heads to stand the drink ; 
 
 So tacitly they yield consent 
 To what they afterwards repent. 
 
14 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 The President, good easy man, 
 
 Is one who pleases all he can ; 
 
 And, that he may the chair well fill. 
 
 Acts frequently against his will. 
 
 Commercial man” he is by station, 
 
 A gentleman by education, — 
 
 By nature, parentage, and birth, — 
 
 Besides a man of sterling worth : 
 
 He ’s of that class who always would. 
 Whene’er they can, be doing good ; 
 
 But he performs these deeds by stealth, — 
 Such is the use he makes of wealth ; 
 
 It is not by the name that ’s shown. 
 
 That his beneficence is known. 
 
 He is an incog,” ranking high 
 On lists which for subscription lie ; 
 
 The lists I mean, are of that kind 
 Which oft for charity we find 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 15 
 
 Posted about, in aid of some 
 Who to misfortune chance to come ; 
 
 Or by sad accidents are maimed ; 
 
 And thus our sympathies have claimed : 
 I say incog,'’ as none can tell 
 Who ’tis that gives, and gives so v/ell. 
 ’Tis such as he this day presides, 
 
 (My Muse, at least, this way decides.) 
 With him men always seemed at ease, 
 He knew so well the way to please ; 
 And frequently he would declare 
 That list’ners good were very rare ; 
 
 Thus oft he has in silence sat, 
 Eesponding just to this or that ; — 
 Eesponding, only to agree, 
 
 From contradiction being free. 
 
 Except he thought he might, perchance, 
 The conversation then advance. 
 
 At dinner-time he always said, 
 
 The President ” and Vice ” were led 
 
16 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Completely by the party’s will, 
 
 And that their voices were as nil ; 
 
 The province of the one to 7'm^, 
 
 That of the other, Waiter, bring — ” 
 
 To cry — save cases which require 
 These duties to soar somewhat higher ; 
 When he rebuked some young men gay, 
 Who might, perhaps, bad taste display 
 In ribald speech, or lewder toasting, 
 
 While vainly of his intrigues boasting. 
 ’Twas then he shone with lustre bright. 
 Appearing in his truest light ; 
 
 His language, then, was kind and mild. 
 Like father speaking to a child ; 
 
 And if by satire he was fired, 
 
 'Twas such, the wounded e’en admired ; — 
 Admired the brilliant point evinced. 
 
 The while beneath its lash they wdnced. 
 ’Tis the opinion of my Muse, 
 
 He could not, though he would, refuse 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 17 
 
 This bottle^ to come with the bill, 
 
 As such appear’d the comp’ny’s will. 
 
 And now, my Muse, attention turn thee. 
 Towards the youth on his first journey. 
 
 He is the only one that ’s left 
 Of this said party, Vice” yclept. 
 
 The last I sing of, — and, forsooth, 
 
 A boy he is, in very truth ! 
 
 If thou hadst seen his beardless chin. 
 
 Thou then hadst said it were a sin 
 To send one forth so very young. 
 
 To mix he knows not whom among ; 
 Exposed to temptings on the road. 
 
 And various evils now abroad, — 
 
 To conversations which, if named. 
 
 Would make thee, oh my Muse, ashamed ; 
 On hearing which, at first he ’ll blush. 
 
 But soon the still small voice will hush. 
 
 c 
 
10 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And if; some few years hence, you meet, 
 
 Y oil ’ll hear him the same tales repeat. 
 Giving them out in some new style. 
 Thinking to please and draw a smile : 
 
 I hear thee, then, to self exclaim, — 
 
 Can this man, really, be the same 
 I saw so modest once before ? 
 
 If so, I must the change deplore. 
 
 He then was bashful, distant, meek, 
 
 The stamp of virtue on his cheek ; 
 
 His converse easy, free from guile, 
 Simplicity itself his smile ; 
 
 His conduct then most generous. 
 
 All open and ingenuous. 
 
 On Sundays he would then attend 
 His church, and for a righteous end. 
 
 Oh, Muse ! thou sadden’st at the thought 
 That change so grievous could be wrought 
 Cease then this moralising mood. 
 
 We will no longer o’er him brood ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 19 
 
 Thou hast from thine own subject gone, 
 Eeturn, and more of him anon. 
 
 My Muse, 1 think, has this express’d. 
 
 How ’twas the Chairman and the rest 
 For this said bottle gave consent. 
 
 And hill increased to that extent ; 
 
 Likewise declared in song before. 
 
 The Vice ” was youth ^ and nothing more ; 
 
 He could not know the dining rule. 
 
 Though, mark me, he was far from fool ; 
 
 Yet many there would dub him such. 
 
 Because he did not know this much ; 
 
 Not knowing this^ how could he say, 
 
 When ask’d consent, or ^^yea,” or ^Yiay V 
 He thought it custom and all rights 
 And since so young, methinks he might ; 
 
 But cannot say what he ’d have done 
 Had two been order’d, ’stead of one. 
 
 My Muse, I think, has clearly proved 
 The springs by which these men were moved ; 
 c 2 
 
20 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And oft^ when motives she could trace, 
 Has found things similar take place : 
 This is the judgment she would pass, 
 Albeit in sorrow ; for, alas ! 
 
 She has beheld (though seeming blind) 
 The promptings of one selfish mind 
 Thus carried — nem. con. — no dissent — 
 Although the opposite was meant : 
 
 Yet, had there been one honest voice. 
 To frankly say, ’twas not his choice, 
 Each at the table would have found 
 That feeling to prevail around. 
 
N song my Muse shall next display 
 Your acts and deeds on Sabbath day. 
 At nine or ten you rise from bed, 
 And, after horse and self are fed, 
 
 Of inns, or trade, or horses talk, — 
 Or politics, — then take a walk. 
 
 While some — who have so much to write^"* 
 Though faith, they strive with all their ynight,^ 
 On Sunday mornings always find 
 Their order boohs so far behind ; ” 
 
 Or, if not so, they then resolve. 
 
 Some knotty point in cash to solve ; 
 
 Their cash won’t balance, they ’re in doubt. 
 And now have time to find it out ; 
 
 As if that sacred day were meant 
 F or those on mammon all intent ; 
 
22 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Or that its end and first great aim 
 Were to discover loss and gain : 
 
 — These hail the Sabbath with delight, 
 
 To set their cash and ledgers right. 
 
 Some others scan the Globe or Sun 
 (The former is the general one) ; 
 
 It is a rare event, indeed, 
 
 When you can W eeUy papers read ; 
 
 And equally as rare a case 
 
 When Morning ones your tables grace. 
 
 The Times in some large towns you ’ll find, — 
 E’en there, ’tis often left behind 
 By accident by some one who 
 Had only glanced its columns through. 
 
 The host will vast excuses make 
 Why they no other papers take ; 
 
 But, in the end, ’twill prove to be 
 A question of plain £8, d,\ 
 
 For, as a rule, they e’en refuse 
 To patronise the Daily News, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 23 
 
 As if a bare three pence per day 
 'Fhey thought too high a price to pay. 
 
 No wonder, then, your rooms ne’er boast 
 Of Herald, Chronicle, or Post ; 
 
 Thus Tis the Globe, or Sun, or Punch, 
 They read until Tis time to lunch, 
 
 Then ring for glass of wine, or ale — 
 
 The Burton, bitter, or the pale ; 
 
 Some may to church or chapel go, 
 Perhaps for sake of saying so ; 
 
 Or being asked by some good friend, 
 
 A few, no doubt, from righteous end ; 
 Some feeling queer ^ the previous night, 
 Took Cockle's Pills^ to set all right. 
 
 ’Tis subject scarcely fit for song. 
 
 But at next meal they set all wrong 
 By stuffing with fish, fowl, or beef ; 
 
 Then take more pills for fresh relief. 
 Their constant talk ’s of pain, or ache. 
 What food they eat, what med’cine take ; 
 
24 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 What causes pain, and what gives ease, 
 And how this always disagrees ; 
 
 And yet by way of contradiction. 
 
 Or sinning, though against conviction. 
 Eat heartily from off the same. 
 
 As if they would your pity claim 
 Or indigestion were their aim — 
 
 No class of men are half such bores. 
 
 As talkers of their ails and sores. 
 
 Your dinner hour is fix’d at three, 
 
 Or four, or five, as it may be ; 
 
 Which dinner is the same thing o’er, 
 
 As one my Muse described before : 
 Except these days, as I opine, 
 
 Are noted by some choicer wine ; 
 
 As Claret sour, or Champagne bright, 
 Madeira sharp, or Moselle light : 
 
 Good wines are had, as you oft think 
 Good eating will require good drink ; 
 And, to complete your bill of fare. 
 Dessert must have of something rare. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 You taste the Port, some call it good, 
 One says that it is drawn from wood ; 
 Worth twenty shillings^''* and no more, 
 He ’s bought as good for less before ; 
 
 Or if not so, ’tis cork’d or shaken,” 
 And sure he is, he ’s not mistaken. 
 
 Then holding glass beneath his nose, 
 That it be changed, he doth propose. 
 
 It was too bad, he would declare. 
 
 To send such wine as that, in there ; 
 
 The host must be a fool, to think 
 They would such stuff as that e’er drink ; 
 Or else a knave to use them so ; 
 
 He to the other house ” would go. 
 
 This class of men are often found 
 To have cellars which with wine abound 
 Of various age and noted year. 
 
 Which from the Docks direct they clear 
 Or else as present had it made 
 By some kind friend then in the trade : 
 
26 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM, 
 
 This none at table can deny, 
 
 Though many think ’tis all a lie, 
 
 And show the same by wink of eye. 
 
 In cracking nuts you crack your jokes. 
 For drinking wine oft wit provokes : 
 
 It quickens humour, makes it flow 
 In rapid streams where it was slow ; 
 
 It speaks, and will maintain the truth ; 
 Gives confidence of age to youth ; 
 
 It scorns reproof, restraint defies, 
 Exposes fraud, unmasks disguise. 
 
 Secrets reveals, and makes men boast 
 Of deeds they should conceal the most. 
 This makes your Sunday’s wit so sharp, 
 Which wit will oft on riddles harp ; 
 
 Or in impromptu toasts give vent, 
 
 Or else in speech or sentiment. 
 
 Indeed my Muse has sometimes heard 
 A pun, or play upon a word. 
 
 Proceed from men, and could not credit 
 But they had somewhere heard or read it 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 The point too good to be believed 
 WsiS by such brains as theirs conceived ; 
 ’Twas wine had strengthed brains thus weak, 
 And furnished words and nerve to speak. 
 
 The wine this power with you displays 
 On Sundays more than other days ; 
 
 And then will oft produce discourse, 
 
 The tact and talent, skill and force, 
 
 And points of which, if herein named, 
 
 With brilliancy of wit contained 
 In arguments or conversation. 
 
 Also its general information, — 
 
 If these were told and only these, 
 
 Aly Muse would then the Bod^ please ; 
 
 But would not suit you half so well. 
 
 Should she your toasts and riddles telL 
 Your dinner's o’er — so some retire 
 For forty winhs ” beside the fire ; 
 
 Others who think they’ve not enough 
 Go in the bar cigars to puff; 
 
28 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Or may perchance just take a stroll, 
 
 They call it walk, ^^more lilce a roll 
 But how it is, or where they go 
 My Muse at present will not show. 
 
 Some few there are, the aves rare,” 
 
 Who may this day devote to prayer, 
 
 Or calmly searching that great book 
 In which some travellers never look. 
 
 For treasures which therein abound, 
 
 And, unless sought for, never found. 
 
 This calls to mind some grievous facts 
 My Muse remembers of your acts ; 
 
 Facts, she could wish she ne’er had known. 
 But since ’tis so, they must be shown ; 
 
 This book, sometimes in bed-rooms placed 
 For good end, doubtless, is defaced ! 
 
 And Eeader, to this strange truth, hark ! 
 Though she would fain have hid the mark. 
 And from the tribe this odium save. 
 
 Its sacred leaves are used to shave ! 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 29 
 
 Alas ! ’tis truth I speak; although 
 I once liad hoped it was not so ; 
 
 But contradiction it defies, 
 
 When servants give us these replies ; — 
 Chambermaid; by whom’s this done ? ” 
 Commercials, sir ; I could name one. 
 Who from this book a leaf once tore 
 With which to wipe his razor o’er.” 
 
 ’Tis harsh you’ll say thus to condemn. 
 For this one’s faults, so many men ; 
 
 My Muse’s anger must have vent, 
 
 Though her remarks are only meant 
 To reach those few who’ve guilty been ; 
 For few they are and far between — 
 
 She trusts she yet may live to see 
 The time when they will fewer be ; 
 
 Her object is, to sing what’s true 
 And merit give, where merit ’s due. 
 
 Nor would she for siicli gents condemn 
 The body of Commercial men ; 
 
THE COiMMEllCIAL ROOM. 
 
 But such sad men she must chastise, 
 And speak the trutli without disguise. 
 She therefore will more facts pourtray 
 Of clever feats these few display ; 
 
 She ’ll take you where she oft has been, 
 She ’ll show you what she oft has seen. 
 Yea, what some few days since she saw. 
 And thus your own conclusions draw. 
 Go to that room, Commercial ” named 
 A room by Trav’lers solely claimed ; 
 
 On shelf or table you will se6 
 A book ycleped Directory, 
 
 You look it o’er and fain w^ould trace 
 Some information of the place ; 
 
 You find the county and next town, 
 Although the one you ’re in is flown ! 
 The binding’s good, the book not worn, 
 ’Tis clear the leaves from it are torn ; 
 You ask, who did it ? — how Twas done 
 Some Traveller, I suppose, for fun ; 
 
THE COMMEHCIAL ROOM. 
 
 31 
 
 Or some Commercial, sir, I s’pose,” 
 
 The waiter says, — of course he knows. 
 Next take a look upon that wall. 
 
 There see the danger maps befal ; 
 
 O’er its broad plain you cast your eye 
 To seek this town, but vainly try : 
 
 You look it o’er, you look it round, 
 
 And only find it can ’t be found ; 
 
 You scan the district and the hundred, 
 Then, stumbling on a hole, — you wonder’d 
 How it came there, or who could do it ? 
 What caitiff stuck his penknife through it, 
 Who thought he show’d his wit, no doubt, 
 Also contempt of place cut out — 
 
 But ah, what place 1 — the very town 
 You have been hunting up and down ! 
 Now see the Landlord’s portrait high ; 
 Why, surely, it has lost one eye ! 
 
 That, also, is a hole, you think, 
 
 But find Tis wafer or some ink. 
 
32 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Go, gaze upon that window next, — 
 
 My Muse again is getting vex’d. 
 
 And, to describe it, feels perplex’d : 
 
 ’Tis bad enough when men deface 
 With filthy wit, a nameless place ; 
 
 The host can there remove the taint 
 With whitewash, paper, or fresh paint ; 
 Or, when their washing lists they scrawl 
 Of dirty shirts, on chamber wall. 
 
 Thus making of the window sill 
 Or chimney-piece, a laundress’ bill : 
 
 But are there such, who brilliants own, 
 Who could disgrace so pure a stone, 
 And use a diamond, bright and clear. 
 
 To scratch such trash as I see here ? 
 
 ’Tis pity sad the wretch could write, 
 
 Y ou cry aloud, at such vile sight ! 
 
 This is a room, as you all know. 
 
 Where none but Travellers ever go. 
 
Y Muse’s next descriptive scene 
 Shall be your ^^Koom” on winter’s e’en. 
 This is the age of toast and tea, 
 
 Hot suppers now we rarely see ; 
 
 ’Tis not as once in days of yore, 
 
 When ten or twelve, perhaps a score 
 Of Trav’lers, nightly took their seat 
 At festive board, this meal to eat ; 
 
 And eat they would, with heart and soul. 
 
 And quaff their punch from flowing bowl ! 
 
 For punch was then the standard drink. 
 
 Of weaker draughts they would not think. 
 
 Such was the custom of that age, 
 
 But bottoms now are all the rage ; — 
 
 Of whiskey, brandy, rum, or gin, 
 
 ’Tis — Waiter ! bring a bottom in ; ” 
 
 D 
 
34 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Perhaps ’tis large^ perhaps ’tis small^ 
 
 In either case, they ’re bottoms all. 
 
 And if ’tis nine by any clocks, 
 
 Tobacco, then, is orthodox ; 
 
 For, Keader, you must learn this fact, 
 
 To smoke is an intolerant act 
 Until that hour is on the stroke, — 
 
 An hour that ’s sacred held to smoke. 
 You then from all restraint are freed, 
 And can enjoy that soothing weed ; 
 Whether ’tis of the mild Havannah, 
 
 Or Silva, Cuba, or Cabanna ; 
 
 Or, if you ’d use the Meerschaum rare, — 
 Of which some take exceeding care 
 And carry in wash-leather case. 
 
 Fearing to scratch its polish’d face, — 
 Then smoke Black Shag, or Cavendish, 
 Ke turns, or Dutch Cut, if you wish ; 
 
 But, if too strong for you to master, 
 
 My Muse would recommend Canaster ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 35 
 
 Or, if you 'd choose good British clay, 
 
 No one would dare to tell you nay : 
 
 This is the hour, all business done, 
 
 The grogs are in, and smoke's begun. 
 
 One occupies at ease two chairs. 
 
 He is so tired,” and that he swears ; 
 
 He tells you then the miles he ’s driven, 
 
 His horse’s pace, and feeds ” he ’s given. 
 
 And where he dined, what grogs he had. 
 
 Also if they were good or bad ; 
 
 For few men know so well as he, 
 
 Not being nice to two or three ; 
 
 But then they always are the small, 
 
 He never doth for large ones call, 
 
 In proof of which, you see he rings. 
 
 And waiter “ one more small one ” brings : 
 
 Perhaps, before the evening's o’er. 
 
 He ’ll order one small bottom more.” 
 
 Sometimes he is so full of fun. 
 
 That even when the clock strikes one, 
 
 The night seems only just begun. 
 
 D 2 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 This class of men are getting rare, — ■ 
 
 My Muse is pleased to find they are, — 
 For often, when they wish ‘‘another,” 
 They will persuade some younger brother 
 To join their party, — adding. He, 
 
 Indeed, is such good company ; 
 
 Thus from his sober path he ’ll trip 
 For sake of pure good-fellowship. 
 
 Next, mark yon scandal of his sex, 
 Whom nothing pleases, all things vex ; 
 
 My Muse would call him misanthrope, 
 
 A “ rara avis,” she would hope, — 
 
 The dread of “ boots,” the “ waiter’s ” bane, 
 Whose life’s great end seems to complain. 
 
 “ Waiter ! some tea,” he crossly cried, 
 
 “ With toast, the butter’d or the dried ; ” 
 The toast will be too thick or thin, 
 
 When with the tea it is brought in ; 
 
THE commercial ROOM. 
 
 37 
 
 Or else ’tis burnt, too near the crust, 
 
 There ’s something wrong — complain he must. 
 Or if two eggs he order’d boil’d. 
 
 He ’ll curse the cook, and swear they ’re spoil’d. 
 No butcher e’er that pig could kill 
 Which yielded bacon to his will ; — 
 
 It is too fat, or else too lean, 
 
 Or else too long in salt has been. 
 
 If fire be low when he arrive. 
 
 He ’ll swear he shall be starved alive ; 
 
 While should it but be blazing bright. 
 
 Why then he ’ll roasted be outright ; 
 
 He always wants best stall in stable, 
 
 Best bed in house, best seat at table ; 
 
 The servants at the inns all know him. 
 
 And small attention care to show him. 
 
 My Muse shall tell you word for word. 
 Transposed in song, what once she heard, 
 
 As 'perdu lying in stable-yard, 
 
 Where various men were working hard : — 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 “ Holloa there, Bob ! ” a voice then cries, — 
 The ostler’s voice, who cursed his eyes, — 
 
 I ’ll stand a pot ! — that beggar there 
 Has fed his horse and did not swear, 
 
 Nor grumble e’en, more stranger still, — 
 
 He ’ll die ere night, curse me, he will ! ” 
 And She has thought, but ne’er was told, 
 This class of men are bach’lors old, 
 
 Or else have wives, at home, who scold ; 
 And keep them in such sad restraint 
 They dare not make the least complaint ; 
 Thus ’tis they vent their bottled spleen, 
 
 In manner which just now we ’ve seen, ' 
 
 On ostlers, where they ’re not afraid, 
 
 Or waiter, boots, cook, chambermaid. 
 
 Next would my Muse attention claim 
 To him who, by familiar name 
 Of Dick, Tom, Bill, or Bob, or Jack, 
 
 Will hail his friend, and slap his back ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 3.0 
 
 One of that genus, sort, or kind, 
 
 Whose speech portrays a happy mind. 
 Eschewing aught that 's melancholy, — 
 
 Good fellow ” call’d, as also “jolly.” 
 ’Twas he I saw come in just now. 
 
 With “ How d’ye do ? ” and olf-hand bow ; 
 His coat and whip are both hung up. 
 
 His letters read, and now he ’ll sup. 
 
 With that he calls the waiter, “ Dick,” — 
 
 It is his style — “ come here, be quick ! 
 
 What have you that is fit to eat ? 
 
 Now, something nice, I want a treat.” 
 
 “ A woodcock, sir, a partridge, snipe, 
 
 A devil’d fowl, or fine fresh tripe ; 
 
 A steak, or chop, — we have all these, — 
 
 Cold meat, or any thing you please.” 
 
 Thus Dick — but what our friend may choose, 
 Is not the business of my Muse. 
 
 Now having supp’d, and fed his mare. 
 
 Which seems to be his greatest care, 
 
40 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 He next for “ brandy bottom ” calls ; 
 
 He ne’er was heard to order ‘‘ smalls.” 
 
 Cigar he has from his own case, 
 
 And near the fire then takes his place. 
 
 Good health ! ” he drinks to gentlemen, 
 
 Then asks them how, and where, and when 
 He saw them last ? — if ever seen, — 
 
 Which way they ’re going ? — where have been ? — 
 Perhaps some one who knows how well 
 He sings a song, or tale can tell, 
 
 Bequests him just to tip a stave.” 
 
 He would be glad, but now must crave 
 To be excused, though grieved to mar 
 Their pleasure thus, he ’s not at par ! 
 
 Or has a cold, is tired, or hoarse ; 
 
 Some such excuse he makes of course. 
 
 But if some volunteer would try, 
 
 He might be able ^^by and bye.” 
 
 With pressing hard, at length he sings. 
 
 And some such song as this begins : — 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 41 
 
 GOOD GROG. 
 
 pass ; For it drives a . . way sor . . row from 
 
 young and from old, So fill me of grog a full 
 
 glass, my brave boys, So fill me of grog a full 
 
 glass. So fill me of grog a full 
 
 glass, my brave boys. So fill me of 
 
 grog a full g^lass. 
 
42 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Good grog is the draught to enliven the soul, 
 
 So freely, brave boys, let it pass ; 
 
 For it drives away sorrow from young and from old, 
 So fill me of grog a full glass, 
 
 My brave boys, &c. 
 
 False friends may desert, or the world use you ill. 
 
 But ne’er suffer your spirits to fall ; 
 
 For when of good grog you have each had your fill, 
 You may smile with content on them all, 
 
 My brave boys, &c. 
 
 The sunshine that beams in loved woman’s bright eye. 
 Shines brighter by far lit with wine ; 
 
 Then let jovial Bacchus be praised to the sky. 
 
 Since he sheds forth a light so divine, 
 
 My brave boys, &c. 
 
 Then cheer up, my lads, let us happy appear. 
 
 Do not brood o’er the toils of to-day ; 
 
 But drink up your grogs, and enjoy yourselves here. 
 O’er cigar, or a pipe of good clay. 
 
 My brave boys, &c. 
 
 Who art thou, pray, that now hast sung ? 
 In years e’en yet thou seemest young ; 
 (My Muse would tell the reader this 
 En passant in parenthesis ; — 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 43 
 
 The man to whom she now refers 
 Was youth before, in song of hers, 
 When she described the dinner scene, 
 And Vice ” y’clept, of modest mien) ; 
 And since thou laudest this strong drink 
 In earnest strain, we can but think 
 That the ideas of that song 
 Are such as unto thee belong ; 
 
 For frequently a life ’s portray’d 
 By sentiments in song convey’d : 
 
 As sailors laud the charms of sea, 
 
 With stun-sails set, and fair winds free ; 
 As soldiers sing of feats of arms, 
 
 As lovers of their fair one’s charms ; 
 
 As huntsmen of their hounds’ loud yell 
 When in full chase o’er down or dell ; 
 
 As coachmen of the smack of whip ; 
 
 So drunkards of the draught they sip : 
 Yes ! often will a song or toast 
 Show tastes the man indulges most. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 I will not call thee drunkard though, 
 
 But one who takes things as the^ go, 
 
 And out of courtesy takes his glass 
 With friend or client, or, alas ! 
 
 For sake (ah, vanity and folly !) 
 
 Of being thought, good fellow,''' ^^jollg!' 
 And thus, with many a hearty tone. 
 
 Drinks others’ healths and wastes his own, — 
 Wastes it by perpetual sipping, 
 
 As stone by water’s constant dripping 
 Is worn by drops so small, I ween, 
 
 The progress scarce by eye is seen. 
 
 Still drunkard is too harsh a name. 
 
 Thou to that title hast no claim. 
 
 Sober thou dost to bed retire, 
 
 Though quick thy pulse, thy veins on fire ; 
 Nor dost thou in the morn awake 
 With throbbing head, or hands that shake ; 
 Thou art known at breakfast ne’er to fail, 
 When thou hast drunk thy glass of ale, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 45 
 
 But eat’st thy steak, or chop of mutton, 
 
 As if thou wert a very glutton, — 
 
 Or eggs and rasher, rolls and toast. 
 
 Nay, of thy appetite wilt boast 
 As though performing wondrous feat. 
 
 And thou wert formed and lived to eat ; 
 
 Not eat to live, or thou wouldst show 
 More prudence in thy meals, I trow. 
 
 All this thou dost with open eyes. 
 
 For thou canst talk and moralise 
 Upon these twain enticing sins. 
 
 How each must end, and how begins ; 
 
 But soon, mistaken man, thou’lt find 
 That noble part of thee, the mind. 
 
 Will lose its strength ; nor is this all : 
 
 The mischief ’s sad which must befall 
 Such as pursue through vanity, 
 
 Good nature, or urbanity. 
 
 The course thou dost ; they ’ll learn in truth 
 Old age with them ’s next stage to youth. 
 
46 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOxM. 
 
 Such thoughts as these might cross the mind 
 Of one with aspect good and kind, 
 
 Who occupied a chair behind ; 
 
 His age you ’d think, perhaps, threescore, — 
 
 In truth, dear reader, it was four ; 
 
 But, judging from his step so strong. 
 
 You’d not suppose he’d lived so long 
 As e’en threescore ; but when you ’d view 
 Those locks so grey you see ’tis true. 
 
 His habits were most moderate 
 In what he drank and what he ate. 
 
 My Muse would fain find words to tell 
 How one so aged had worn so well. 
 
 But, as she wants the words to write it. 
 
 She ’ll Shakspeare quote, in As You Like It : ” 
 Tli(^ I look old, yet I am strong and lusty ; 
 
 For in my youth I never did apply 
 Hot and rebellious liquors to my blood ; 
 
 Nor did I with unbashful forehead, woo 
 The means of weakness and debility ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 47 
 
 Therefore my age is as a lusty winter^ 
 Frosty, but kindly . — 
 
 Keader, observe how this old man, 
 
 By temperate means, drew out life’s span 
 From threescore years and ten, to four, 
 And few there are increase it more. 
 
 Does it not, then, this clear truth teach 
 That you these lengthened days may reach, 
 Provided you are born as free 
 From physical defects as he ; 
 
 Not nursed and reared with too much care. 
 Nor pamper’d with too dainty fare. 
 
 My Muse just now of childhood speaks ; 
 An age when appetite oft seeks 
 To please itself on dainty food. 
 
 Not knowing whether bad or good ; 
 
 Nor recking so its taste be cloyed. 
 
 What harm ensue from health destroyed ; 
 An age that knows not right from wrong : 
 When judgment ’s weak, desire is strong \ 
 
48 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 When parents look on all we do 
 With smiles, which afterwards they rue 
 When something nice, to drink or eat. 
 
 Is proffered us by way of treat. 
 
 If we 11 be good, and cease to erg, 
 
 Or go to bed and peaceful lie : 
 
 ’Tis thus the adult a taste acquires. 
 
 For childhood’s likes form man’s desires. 
 The Muse hath oft in silence sigh’d. 
 
 And to herself half prophesied 
 She could a future drunkard see, 
 
 (And frequently she right would be,) 
 
 In some young infant, barely wean’d. 
 
 As on its mother’s arm it lean’d. 
 
 And fondly from her hand would lap 
 What you would, doubtless, take for pap 
 (For health as rhyme, it should be that 
 Which this young bairn was lapping at) ; 
 But, oh ! ye ministers of divine, 
 
 Disease, and Death, — ’twas grog or wine 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 49 
 
 Each drop of which, my Muse’s eye 
 To bottles large would magnify ; 
 
 For bottles, she foresaw, were doom’d 
 In after-life to be consumed ; 
 
 The drunkard form’d by infant draught, 
 Which mother gave, while father laugh’d : 
 But She has pointed out but one 
 Among the many mischiefs done 
 By kindness false, which parents show 
 In infancy, when thus they sow 
 Destructive seeds of sad disease 
 In body, mind, or both of these. 
 
 My Muse will now resume her plan. 
 Which was to sing of this old man, 
 
 And teach a lesson : She explain’d 
 How he his lengthen’d years attain’d : 
 
 If calm you ’d have your old age be. 
 
 From pains and all diseases free. 
 
 And would not feel the palsy’s shake. 
 
 Or asthma, rheum, or gouty ache, — 
 
 E 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 If these you would avoid in truth, 
 Be abstinent in early youth. 
 
 She next will to that youth proceed 
 Who, at side table, fain would read ; 
 
 “ Chambers’ Journal,” by the covers, 
 Appears the book o’er which he hovers 
 Or else some useful publication, 
 
 They print so cheap, that any station 
 May purchase it, and scarcely feel 
 The thirst for knowledge costs a meal. 
 Chambers ! thou hast immortalised 
 Thyself by work so greatly prized ; 
 Patricians high, plebeians low. 
 
 Alike to thy editions go. 
 
 When information they would gain. 
 
 Or knowledge of mankind obtain ; 
 
 Thus cull from thy exhaustless stcre 
 Of pleasing, sterling, useful lore. 
 
TPIE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 51 
 
 Oh^ Eeader ! pardon this digressing : 
 
 My Muse is wrong in thus expressing 
 These sentiments, irrelevant 
 To subjects of her song’s intent : 
 
 She fain would of the reader sing, 
 
 Not of the hooh — a diff’rent thing; 
 
 And had no thought, when she begun. 
 
 She should the author’s praise have sung ; 
 
 But would this reading class have shown 
 A growing class — though once unknown ; 
 
 A class which now is budding out. 
 
 And will increase, she has no doubt. 
 
 The one to whom she now refers 
 Is old in mind, though young in years ; 
 
 The books he reads improve the mind. 
 
 Though of the light and pleasing kind ; 
 
 Sometimes he gets some good review 
 Of sterling works, he would read through. 
 
 But cannot give attention due. 
 
 He has not long a Trav’ler been. 
 
 And is of courteous, gentle mien ; ' 
 
 E 2 ILUIMUIS LlbKARY 
 
 AT URBAIYA-CHAMP6IGN 
 
52 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 With men he likes his conduct’s free, — 
 
 If otherwise, reserved he ’ll be ; 
 
 These latter sometimes think him proud. 
 
 And oft express their thoughts aloud ; 
 
 Some do so in the generous style, 
 
 And call him, p’rhaps, Old Chap,” the while — 
 These always draw from him a smile : 
 
 Some^ when they would their thoughts express, 
 Dare not the man 722^5^^ address ; 
 
 Their moral courage is too weak, 
 
 And at, not to him ’tis they 6peak ; 
 
 Adopting thus the cowarTs way 
 Of speaking what to him they ’d say, 
 
 To others, who, they think, enjoy 
 Their puny efforts to annoy ; 
 
 And always speak (as they take care) 
 
 Quite loud enough for him to hear ; 
 
 There is no speech so vile as that 
 Which people call the talking at, ” 
 
 Others there are, a knowing race I ” 
 
 To Trav’lers’ rooms a sad disgrace ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Who bring a speaker to a stand, 
 
 When they, with fancied wit, demand — 
 
 What coach does he drive, pray, sir ? ” or. 
 Where does he live ? — who travel for ? 
 
 Which silly questions all referred 
 To something which they then had heard ; 
 Perhaps a metaphor in speech, 
 
 Or else some word beyond the reach 
 Of their poor simple common talk. 
 
 And they must thus the speaker balk. 
 
 This questioning style which they call chaffs ” 
 Too oft commands a roaring laugh ; 
 
 Kidiculous as it may seem. 
 
 It has of serious mischief been. 
 
 As few are from this chaff exempt 
 Who figurative speech attempt ; 
 
 Your language, thus restrain’d and cramp’d, 
 May common-place be justly stamp’d ; 
 
 And till this knowing race, here shown. 
 
 Be, by some good reproof, put down. 
 
54 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Your conversation^ thus confined, 
 
 Must be mere talk apart from mind. 
 
 Akin to this, another class. 
 
 O’er whom I would, but cannot, pass ; 
 
 I would, because I can ’t convey. 
 
 Through words of song, in proper way. 
 
 What tales they tell, or strange things say, — 
 
 But cannot, tho’ I would, because 
 They are subservient to no laws. 
 
 And often will their jokes intrude 
 On others, when in serious mood. 
 
 These, frequently relate a tale. 
 
 Or some one’s grievous loss bewail. 
 
 Or else some other method try 
 To raise your curiosity ; 
 
 This done, to learn you much desire, 
 
 How % why ? what ? where ? and straight inquire 
 With great degree of anxiousness. 
 
 Which look and voice will both express ; 
 
 If so, the answers you obtain 
 
 Are such my Muse must not explain ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Bad as they are, the point is such, 
 
 You frequently enjoy it much. 
 
 And laugh, tho’, at the time, annoy’d 
 At being in their trap decoy’d. 
 
 And having such low wit enjoy’d. 
 
 The traps they lay in these their tales 
 Is, in their parlance, making sales ; ” 
 And when they have the list’ner caught, 
 They then declare the parcel houglitr 
 My Muse would try to illustrate 
 A parcel sold^^ price, moderate, 
 
 And thinks a form of conversation 
 Would be the fittest illustration : — 
 
 Have you, sir, heard, or in print seen 
 Ttie strange affair about the Queen ? 
 
 (Or else some Duchess, or Princess, 
 
 Or titled lady — nothing less) 
 
 ’Twas in the paper yesterday ! ” 
 
 No, sir. I’ve not ; what was it, pray % ” 
 Strange tale, indeed, and true, I fear ; 
 For, by report, it would appear 
 
56 * 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 She went to church — what was the name ? 
 No consequence, the tale ’s the same — 
 
 And for misconduct was turn’d out, 
 
 And justly too, I have no doubt ; 
 
 ’Twas by the bishop’s orders done, 
 
 The fault appears a heinous one ; — 
 
 How it will end we cannot guess. 
 
 For few men will their thoughts express : 
 Perhaps all false ’twill prove to J)e, — 
 
 We shall in this day’s paper see.” 
 
 ‘‘ You have not, sir, the grave fault named, 
 
 I wish that it were all explained ; 
 
 This is the first of it I ’ve heard. 
 
 Pray tell me, sir, what ’twas occurr’d 1 ” 
 
 She slept, and snored so loud, she drown’d 
 The organ’s deepest, basest, sound ! ! ! ” 
 
 A tale like this, if well ’tis told. 
 
 Is what they call a parcel soldT 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOxM. 
 
 57 
 
 My Muse — long truant far and wide — 
 Again returns to your fireside, 
 
 And would your best attention call 
 To one who off his chair must fall ; 
 
 Scarce he erect position keeps, 
 
 But soundly lolling fast he sleeps ; 
 
 His grog unmix’d, cigar unlit. 
 
 And hark ! I think he snores a bit. 
 
 Why sleeps he thus beside the fire ? 
 
 And wherefore not to bed retire ? 
 
 He must be drunk, I have no doubt. 
 
 Or from his inn last night stayed out.” 
 
 Thus spoke a smooth-faced man who happ’d 
 Just opposite to him who napp’d, 
 
 A imrihy man,''' to seated be ; 
 
 My Muse would style him Pharisee ''' 
 Perhaps a title full as fit 
 Were cynic, if not hypocrite, 
 
 For he would often vainly boast 
 Of virtuous traits he lack’d the most, 
 
58 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And made it by his language plain 
 They did not unto him pertain ; 
 Comparisons he’d often draw 
 Of what in other’s deeds he saw ; 
 
 Or when (as now) he would condemn, 
 Or else prejudge his fellow men, 
 
 This was the meaning he ’d convey, 
 
 He never acted in that way ! 
 
 He always would some ill divine. 
 
 Or evil motive else assign 
 To those who sometimes late had stay’d 
 From their hotels, by trade delay’d ; 
 And, in the morning, he ’d infer 
 That they upon some mischief were. 
 
 My Muse would to this class appeal. 
 And ask them what they inward feel 
 When they reflect on other men, 
 
 And thus prejudge, or else condemn ; 
 Judge not, I pray ! thy fellow man. 
 
 Ere thine own motives thou dost scan ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 .59 
 
 From thine own eye remove the beam; 
 
 For, though thy deeds may upright seem, 
 And gen’rally command esteem. 
 
 Still no one, save thyself, below 
 Can trace the source from whence they fiov/. 
 Thy neighbours have to thee assign’d 
 The noblest title of thy kind — 
 
 “ An honest man ” — whilst deem’d by others 
 The best of husbands, fathers, brothers — 
 Likewise thy piety, commend, ^ 
 
 So strictly thou dost church attend. 
 
 Where thy deportment ’s so devout 
 That no one yet thy zeal could doubt. 
 
 For Charity thy name ranks high 
 On lists which for subscription lie. 
 
 Thus thy beneficence is known 
 By great amount, which there is shown ; 
 
 Men judge thee by the outward sign. 
 
 And stamp thee worthy ” or divine,” 
 These to effects alone attend — 
 
 Their views no farther will extend ; 
 
GO 
 
 THE COMMEilCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Causes and motives they pass o’er, 
 
 The end seems good, they seek no more 
 But others, like my Muse, think fit 
 To judge what many thus omit. 
 
 These tell thee, — To thyself refer. 
 
 When thou perceiv’st thy brother err. 
 And question thus^ of self ” alone. 
 
 If it be right to cast first stone.” 
 
 See if the still small voice within 
 Will whisper that tfioic hast no sin ? 
 
 But now, to speak of him once more. 
 Who in his chair did sleep and snore ; 
 Thou knowest not what trade he ’s in. 
 Or when the day he did begin, 
 
 What physical exertion had. 
 
 Or how far driven o’er highways bad ; 
 Perhaps a laceman with a stock, 
 
 Who rose before first crow of cock. 
 
 And drove some twenty miles or more 
 Ere thou had’st ceased in bed to snore ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 61 
 
 Perhaps his day’s expenses paid^ 
 
 Ere thou had’st e’en thy breakfast made ; 
 Thou couldst not even think he might 
 Perchance^ have travell’d all last nighty 
 Expecting to avoid this way 
 Some rival or some market-day ; 
 
 Else^ hoping thus a day to gain — 
 
 A hope which many find is vain. 
 
 Thy charity could not suppose 
 The sleeping cause was one of those* 
 
 No ! he of course bad hours must keep, 
 Or else be drunk, because asleep ! 
 
 Observe two men conversing near, 
 
 My Muse shall sing their converse here. 
 
 FIRST COMMERCIAL. 
 
 What ’s that you say, you drink no wine. 
 But pay three shillings when you dine 1 ” 
 
6^ 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 SECOND COMMERCIAL. 
 
 Yes, sir, I do, and rarely see 
 But what the host ’s as pleased with me 
 As those who four-and-sixpence pay, 
 And drink their pint of wine per day.” 
 
 FIRST COMMERCIAL. 
 
 True ; but you always dine alone, 
 
 And pick in solitude your bone ; 
 
 Strong opposition you must meet, 
 
 If with the rest you take your seat; 
 These will compel you pay your share. 
 As you with them partake their fare.” 
 
 SECOND COMMERCIAL. 
 
 It would be so ; but e’er I sit, 
 
 I take the means I think most fit. 
 Which is — my sentiments express — 
 And frankly thus the Chair address : 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 C 
 
 ‘ I drink no wine — it disagrees ; 
 
 J ’ll dine v/ith you^ sir; if you please. 
 Provided that you all are willing 
 For me to pay an extra shilling.’ ” 
 
 FIllST COMMERCIAL. 
 
 If that ’s the plan which you pursue, 
 You treat them all with court’sy due, 
 
 The mode is good, and proper too ; 
 
 You gain consent from powers that be, 
 And from that time are agent free ; 
 
 There are, however, those, I ween, 
 
 V/ho have not e’en thus courteous been. 
 Who take their seat, without consent 
 Of company or President ; 
 
 And, when the dinner is half o’er. 
 
 Will mention this, but not before ; 
 
 And then, in most dogmatic way, — 
 
 The^ always do three shillings pay ; 
 
 The^ take no wine — such are their rules ; 
 Inferring that those men are fooP, 
 
G4 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Or drunkards else^ or something worse, 
 Who may pursue a diff’rent course ; 
 Also, that iJie^y and such as they. 
 
 Will not Commercial rules obey. 
 
 How this oft ends is clear to trace, 
 
 In language which can but disgrace 
 The parties there and all the race. 
 
 ’Tis first replied to by some one. 
 
 Who takes it up, perhaps, for fun ; 
 
 Or grieves that any should neglect 
 To pay the proper, marked respect. 
 
 To him who then the Chair may fill. 
 Of asking if Twere not his will. 
 
 They might begin in jest at first, 
 
 By which the others get the worst ; 
 This soon draws forth ill-timed replies, 
 And ends, perhaps, in cursing eyes, 
 
 Or swearing that each other lies ; 
 
 All which these men might well avoid, 
 If courteous manners were employed. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 65 
 
 First ask consent of powers that be. 
 
 And bow to ^ Chair’s ’ authority.” 
 
 SECOND COMMERCIAL. 
 
 All this you say, I own is true. 
 
 And perfectly agree with you ; 
 
 But on what founds the ^ Chair’ its claim 
 And title to the powers you name f’ 
 
 FIRST COMMERCIAL. 
 
 The ‘ Chair ’ this power from custom draws — 
 Custom ! great source of many laws. 
 
 But in the case before us here, 
 jprestige is most just and clear, 
 
 And laws which are by custom made 
 Should be by one consent obey’d.” 
 
 SECOND COMMERCIAL. 
 
 Do you not think ’twould better be 
 If Trav’lers were from one law free ? — 
 
 F 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 The law to which I here allude 
 Is one which many years has stood, 
 
 But by whom framed I cannot tell, 
 
 Nor does it, even now, work well ; 
 
 I should not for one second mourn 
 If from the Statute-rolls ’twere torn — 
 
 I mean that odious pint of wine. 
 
 We’re bound to have whene’er we dine. 
 Could not our dining charge be more. 
 
 And each man pay his sep’rate score ? 
 
 Thus take his wine, or grog, or none. 
 
 Or leave whene’er the dinner ’s done. 
 
 If men must drink, why then, I say, 
 
 Let them their own expenses pay. 
 
 Unjust I must that edict think. 
 
 Which makes men pay when others drink.” 
 
 FIRST COMMERCIAL. 
 
 “ You reason with a biass’d mind. 
 
 And argue wrong, my friend, I find, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 67 
 
 Though what you offer at first sight 
 Appears in equity quite right ; 
 
 Yet I should not be pleased to see 
 Our dinners as you ’d have them be. 
 
 Your plan, no doubt, would please the host, 
 Indeed, I think he ’d like it most. 
 
 Nor calculate what joints were cook'd, 
 While he the dinner-bill o’erlook’d ; 
 
 For this, I think, we all must own. 
 
 Our dinners have too sumptuous grown. 
 Because he thinks good dinners make 
 Men drink more wine for dinner’s sake. 
 
 But I ’ll my chief objection show 
 Why we should not in your track go. 
 
 Our dinner is the only meal 
 At which we really social feel ; 
 
 At breakfast, see how men seclude 
 Themselves, while they o’er papers brood ; 
 Or, pondering o’er their tea, bewail 
 Some failure of last journey’s sale ; 
 
 F 2 
 
68 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Each with his tea-pot you may see, 
 
 N ot one between some two or three ; 
 
 Also his private toast, or bread, 
 
 Which is consumed, and nothing said, 
 Beyond requesting one to ^ ring/ 
 
 Or calling, ^ Waiter, something bring !’ 
 
 Or troubling some one just to pass 
 The cream, or salt, or sugar-glass ; 
 
 Or telling you the roads are bad, 
 
 Or what a sad night’s rest he had — 
 
 His room was close, and hard the bed 
 On which last night he lay his head — 
 Else notes the weather ’s cold or hot, 
 
 Or if your horse be fed or not : 
 
 This is the style of converse heard. 
 
 The stiff, the cautious, and reserved. 
 
 Then take the evening meal called “ tea,” 
 How rarely there you ever see 
 Two men from one teapot partake. 
 
 Or from same plate reach toast or cake ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 69 
 
 Each one a sep’rate tray is shown, 
 
 That^ sir, is yours, and this^ my own ; 
 Except sometimes two friends may meet. 
 Who at one tray will take their seat. 
 
 And in same bowl for sugar dip. 
 
 Thus socially their congou sip ; 
 
 But dinner is the meal alone 
 Where true good fellowship is shown : 
 Republic Tis, or commonweal. 
 
 Where evhy man must equal feel. 
 
 You, doubtless, sir, have often seen 
 Men, who have stiff and distant been — 
 Aye ! stiff as any new-made cable — 
 Become, when once at dinner-table. 
 
 As supple as the finest twine — 
 
 I mean with those who there may dine ; 
 Nor can I bring my mind to think 
 The secret lies in what they drink ; 
 
 The only cause which I can state. 
 
 Is, that all pay an equal rate 
 For what is drunk, or what is ate ; 
 
70 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 But has it ne’er appeared to you, 
 
 That many evils may accrue 
 
 From this same cause which you ’d pursue ? 
 
 Among the legion, first of these 
 
 Would be, men acting as they please : 
 
 Each one pursue his separate way. 
 
 And only his own laws obey ; 
 
 Champagne or hock would often then 
 Be ordered in by thoughtless men, 
 
 Who now from all such acts refrain, 
 
 Lest President” or ^Wice” complain ; 
 
 Others (the opposite extreme, 
 
 Who of such things would never dream. 
 
 At present, lest they vulgar seem) 
 
 Might call for porter in a pot, 
 
 And after that— who knows 1 — Grog hot ; ” 
 Nor should I be surprised if they 
 Tried in the end to “ blow their clay.” 
 
 I argue in extremes you see. 
 
 Nor say such outre things must be ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 71 
 
 But that they may ^ I will maintain, 
 
 Were ’t no one’s business to complain ; 
 Our rules are like an arch erect 
 Built by a skilful architect, 
 
 Which would an endless pressure bear ; 
 But from its centre one stone tear. 
 
 And what, erewhiles, would bear a world. 
 Straight at your feet is prostrate hurl’d ; 
 This little stone, y’clept the “ Key,” 
 Among those vers’d in masonry, 
 
 Might with our dining laws be classed. 
 And while untouched, our arch will last. 
 ’Tis not at meals alone I mean, 
 
 When these effects would oft be seen ; 
 Since but for wearying your attention, 
 
 I would a volume of them mention.” 
 
 SECOND COMMERCIAL. 
 
 Nay, sir, proceed ! I ’m pleased to hear 
 The reasons thus advanced so clear ; 
 
72 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And hope you will not yet conclude, 
 
 For 1 ’m indeed in list’ning mood ; 
 
 But, ere you finish, point out one 
 Good thing our present rules have done.” 
 
 FIRST COMMERCIAL. 
 
 First, mark our smoking rules I pray — 
 Who dare, at present, smoke by day 1 
 At nine, this now we tolerate. 
 
 But some men would begin at eight. 
 
 Only annul our dining plan. 
 
 And tell me where you ’d find the man 
 Who dare their smoking then refuse 
 At eight, or earlier if they choose : 
 
 Thus I could clearly see our doom ; 
 Farewell to our Commercial Eoom, 
 
 No longer then for us reserved. 
 
 When these, our laws, are unobserved. 
 On this one fact you may rely ; 
 
 The fabric falls whene’er we try 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 73 
 
 To touch this one, this centre stone, 
 Which now upholds our arch alone. 
 
 But you would hear some good arising 
 From this our law of dinner prizing — • 
 Negative good, at any rate, 
 
 I prove it brings unto our state. 
 
 When I these mischiefs sad reveal 
 Which must arise from its repeal ; 
 
 Still if some good you’d have me name 
 That title positive might claim ; 
 
 I’d ask, hast ne’er observed some youth 
 Make his dehut^ rough and uncouth. 
 That, aptly, we might him compare 
 To cubs unlick’d by parent bear ; 
 
 Or else some apish dandy swell, 
 Whose freaks and antics none can tell ; 
 But thus it is, or cub or ape. 
 
 He ’s by our dinners lick’d in shape. 
 The bear cub will at table find 
 Himself in such strong chains confined, 
 
74 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 That at this meal he must at least 
 Converse, and act unlike a beast ; 
 
 Thus in outside be gentleman, 
 
 Though otherwise in mental man : 
 
 The case the same with dandy vain. 
 
 He must his monkey freaks restrain. 
 Custom is here, as elsewhere, found 
 Changing the soil in nature’s ground ; 
 
 In good or ill the law ’s the same, 
 
 ’Tis practice plays the perfect game ; 
 
 This daily drilling thus will teach 
 A decent conduct unto each ; 
 
 But these effects would soon be lost 
 Were each to pay his separate cost. 
 
 This were alone a potent cause 
 Still to uphold the dining laws ; 
 
 For all who Trav’ler’s name may bear, 
 
 A gentlemanly mien should wear. 
 
 What is their mission ? by whom sent ? — 
 Their mission is to represent 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 75 
 
 Perhaps a firm of three or four, 
 
 All wealthy men, or less, or more ; 
 
 And though the name ’s with trade combined, 
 A gentleman in each we find. 
 
 And one of them may sometimes claim 
 An Honourable to his name. 
 
 Or Knight, M.P., or Baronet, 
 
 Which title they by merit get. 
 
 Such firms there are, beyond all doubt. 
 
 Who constantly keep Trav’lers out, 
 
 With power in trade affairs to act, 
 
 As though it were themselves in fact ; 
 
 And from whose sales, in point of law. 
 
 They cannot, if they would, withdraw ; 
 
 Some, in their correspondence, give 
 The title representative,” 
 
 When to their Trav’lers they referr’d ; 
 
 The meaning ’s good, though long the word ; 
 
 Since it is clear they represent 
 
 The man, or firm, by whom they ’re sent. 
 
6 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 As truly as a King or Queen 
 Can in Anibassadors be seen, 
 
 And are as such at courts admitted, 
 However for the place unfitted. 
 
 You will from this my high allusion, 
 
 I doubt not, judge of my conclusion. 
 Though Trav’ler once, I ’m master now ; 
 Yet still the principles avow, 
 
 I owned what time I first essay’d 
 A Trav’ler’s life in sugar trade. 
 
 And shall, I trust, the same enjoy 
 While I ’ve a man in my employ. 
 
 If Trav’lers be what I explain, 
 
 As gentlemen I ’d them maintain 
 As long as they ’re with power invested, 
 And while our firms by them are tested ; 
 For frequently will people scan 
 A firm by its commercial man ; 
 
 Thus judgment pass of house unknown, 
 As of its stock, by samples shown : 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 77 
 
 While these things are, Td have them then, 
 At all points, perfect gentlemen.’’ 
 
 SECOND COMMERCIAL. 
 
 Your argument is good, I ’ll own. 
 
 Upon the various points you ’ve shown ; 
 Most ably you support the cause 
 Of these, our present dining laws ; 
 
 And contradiction would be vain 
 To what you have advanced thus plain. 
 
 But I would see no wine appear. 
 
 Whatever its price, or cheap or dear, 
 
 Or howe’er named, I hate them all, 
 
 And never should for any call ; 
 
 There ’s alcohol contained in them. 
 
 Which as Teetot’ler I condemn; 
 
 As such, I think ’twould be as well 
 We did not on this subject dwell. 
 
 But, ere we part, could you devise 
 Some means by which we could chastise 
 
7i 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 A class of men, Box Harry ” named ; 
 
 A class of whom I feel ashamed ; 
 
 A paltry, mean, and sordid race, 
 
 Who on ‘ the Body ’ bring disgrace. 
 
 These daily con, and nightly dream 
 About one vast absorbing theme, 
 
 To them their great created end. 
 
 Namely how they the least can spend ; 
 
 And grievous loss doth aye befall 
 The host they honour with a call. 
 
 They breakfast late, at four take tea. 
 
 Thus from all dinner bills are free ; 
 
 But such a tea ! for ‘‘ one-and-nine ” 
 
 They dinner, supper, tea, combine. 
 
 I ’ll now explain how this is done. 
 
 For I this afternoon watched one — 
 
 He order’d tea at half-past four. 
 
 Then ask’d of John the larder’s store ; 
 John’s answer was, Beef, boil’d and roast ; 
 He chose the boil’d, with butter’d toast. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 79 
 
 The tea arrived, then came the beef — 
 
 A rump, of noble joints the chief — 
 
 He cut a slice which filled his plate ; 
 
 I turned my head, that slice was ate. 
 
 He rang the bell, the waiter came, 
 
 ’ Twas not with him he laid the blame ; 
 
 ’ Twas with the cook he would find fault ; 
 The beef had been too long in salt. 
 
 Some liked it so but he did not. 
 
 He'd therefore have a steak cook'd hot ; 
 
 A little hit ! an ounce or two. 
 
 The smallest piece for him would do ! 
 Now while this little steak was cooking. 
 You’d think him o’er the paper looking ; 
 Not he, indeed ! first eyeing me 
 To ascertain if I could see, 
 
 He eyed the beef, took one slice more ; 
 Which, though ^ too salt,' went as before ; 
 It was consumed with such dispatch, 
 
 I thought ’gainst time he’d make a match. 
 
80 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 The steak appear’d, at least a pound, 
 
 But he was not defaulter found ; 
 
 He ate the whole, and then declared 
 ’Twas long since he had better fared. 
 
 The reason this : he could condense 
 Three meals, at all the same expence ; 
 
 (The steak was tender and well cook’d,) 
 Because ’twas not as dinner book’d. 
 
 What made him then so happy feel ? 
 
 ’Twas knowing he had saved a meal. 
 
 The above’s but one among the host 
 Of shabby deeds this class may boast ; 
 
 But ’tis when they ’re compell’d to dine. 
 
 Their meanness will most brightly shine : 
 
 They order some expensive dish — 
 
 As game — to follow soup or fish ; 
 
 Nay, having dined off all of these, 
 
 Soup, fish, and game, tarts, cream, and cheese, 
 They nothing extra pay, I hear, 
 
 Nor yet take wine, or grog, or beer ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 81 
 
 For, from commencement, they attempt 
 Some means to be from these exempt. 
 
 The course I find them most pursue, 
 
 Is grumbling all their dinner through ; 
 
 If with the soup there’s nothing wrong, 
 The fish, they’ll swear, is kept too long ; 
 The game too high, not cook’d enough, 
 
 Or else the bird was old and tough ; 
 Potatoes cold, or too much dress’d ; 
 
 The greens not done, or not half press’d ; 
 If hot the tarts, they liked them cold. 
 
 If not, why then they ’re stale and old ; 
 
 The bread too new, the cream not sweet, 
 And cheese not fit for dog to eat ; 
 
 And, heedless of the time of year. 
 
 Expect a salad to appear ; 
 
 Should this said salad not be seen. 
 
 They call the landlord ^ scaly — mean ’ 
 
 Declaring, if he used them so 
 
 Next time they came, they’d elsewhere go. 
 
 G 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Their tact, indeed, I might commend. 
 
 If temp ’ranee were the sought-for end ; 
 
 But ’tis not so ; the means employ’d 
 Are that they may th’ expense avoid. 
 
 They ’ll sometimes make their health a plea 
 To get from this or that meal free. 
 
 And order milk or water gruel. 
 
 Declaring they must live by rule, 
 
 And not take tea, but some such mess 
 That in their bills will cost them less ; 
 
 For here^ as in the case portray'd. 
 
 The cost is what they would evade. 
 
 Thus by their quibbling, or pretences, 
 
 A purse they make from their expenses ; 
 Else they would surely compensate 
 The host for what they ’d spoiled or ate, 
 Who in this case has no redress — 
 
 He dare not e’en his thoughts express ; 
 
 For if he did, they would ^ run down ' 
 
 11 is character in ev'ry town 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 83 
 
 Where’er they went ; thus he would lose 
 Good customers by their abuse. 
 
 Allow me, sir, this small digression — 
 
 I think the host ’s a good profession ; 
 
 For many have large fortunes made, 
 
 And solely by commercial trade — 
 
 You’ve doubtless seen some men have in, 
 A water bottorrC* ’stead of gin ; 
 
 And knowingly have sipped the same, 
 
 As though the spirit in it came ; 
 
 And in their bills the price have paid, 
 
 As though by Booth” or “ Burnet” made. 
 Others who would not mean appear, 
 
 Will say to waiter, Give some beer ” 
 
 Or glass of grog, just as it suits. 
 
 Unto the Ostler, or the Boots.” 
 
 But in each case their object will 
 Be found the same — to ^^make a bill.” 
 Now at this point you’ll see his friend 
 (Who fain a list’ning ear would lend, 
 
 G 2 
 
84 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 But wearied nature by his eyes 
 For her refreshing sleep now cries,) 
 
 Draw from his fob a watch of gold, 
 Kepeater call’d, in fashion old. 
 
 But is in age and style well matched. 
 
 By pond’rous seals and chain attached. 
 
 He scans the hour, then says he grieves 
 When such society he leaves, 
 
 Declaring that the time flies fast 
 When in good company ’tis past ; 
 
 And he ’d be pleased his friend to see. 
 Although they could not now agree ; 
 
 Then drains his glass, takes chamber light, 
 And blandly says to all, “ Good night 
 As no Commercial” goes to rest. 
 
 Till this kind wish he has express’d — 
 
 For by these little court’ sies shown. 
 
 The true commercial man is known — 
 
 And should he leave his hat behind, 
 
 ’Tis by mistake you’ll surely find. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 85 
 
 This brings to mind two kinds of men 
 Whom we encounter now and then, 
 Whose conduct different sources claim, 
 Though in effect ’tis much the same ; 
 For neither ever condescend 
 To raise their hats, or stiff necks bend. 
 Or any mark of court’sy show 
 To gentlemen they do not know ; 
 
 Who, on arrival, never say 
 
 Good morning, evening, or good day. 
 
 And on departure act the same — 
 
 They leave you in the way they came ; 
 Who at the table oft sit down 
 For hours with hats stuck fast on crown. 
 You *11 further know them by the token 
 Of always leaving doors wide open, 
 
 Or, when with backs to fire they stand. 
 With coat-tails resting on each hand ; 
 Or if you’re writing, overlook 
 Your letter, or your order-book; 
 
86 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Or when their finger nails they pare 
 At breakfast time, or comb their hair 
 At chimney-glass, or even spit 
 About the carpets where they sit ; 
 
 Or when they walk about the room 
 Whistling — as they think — a tune ! 
 
 One class in large towns most you find — 
 A supernumerary kind 
 Of Trav’lers, who by rail run down” 
 For four-and-twenty hours from town ; 
 Or e’en, it may be for a week, 
 
 That they may extra orders seek. 
 
 Using commercial rooms as though 
 They were some parlours where they go. 
 And where six days in seven they take 
 Their mutton chop, or small rump steak, 
 With pint of half-and-half, or stout — 
 This will explain the cause, no doubt. 
 
 If so, my Muse would fain suppose. 
 From ignorance the cause arose ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 87 
 
 And being that, she’d not reprove 
 What more experience may remove. 
 
 The other class pursue this course 
 Through vanity — that is the source 
 Whence all their ill behaviour flows ; 
 (For charity, I’d fain suppose 
 It was not so, but what IVe shown 
 Proceeds from that, and that alone.) 
 They by their gait infer they are 
 To other men superior far : 
 
 Thus in your room they strut and stride. 
 Puffed up with consequential pride ; 
 
 And if they bend to any there, 
 
 ’ Tis with a patronising air ; 
 
 For highly honoured they must be, 
 
 Who meet with this marked courtesy. 
 Steady, oh Muse ! from wrath refrain, 
 
 A nd check, I pray, this angry strain ; 
 This ire of thine they will not mind, 
 
 ’ Tis throwing chaff against the wind ; 
 
88 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Thy time is lost when thou mak’st mention 
 Of faults committed by intention ; 
 
 Then dwell not on their faults or name : 
 
 But pity where thou fain wouldst blame : 
 Thus grant them what they sadly need, 
 
 And with thy sketches next proceed. 
 
 Oft too I ’ve marked a bustling race, 
 
 With hurry stamp’d upon their face. 
 
 Who, on arrival, loudly shout. 
 
 To send the Boots or Ostler out. 
 
 That is, when they their own” may drive — 
 But if per rail they should arrive. 
 
 They ’re in a greater bustle still. 
 
 For Boots to do their hasty will ; 
 
 Now in now out they hurry, thus 
 Disturbing all with fume and fuss — 
 
 (Though low the rhyme, yet nothing less 
 Would in this case my thoughts express) — 
 These, like the class described before. 
 
 Are never known to close the door, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 89 
 
 And on themselves are too intent. 
 
 To pass the usual compliment ; 
 
 Although, perhaps, some eight or nine 
 Are after dinner taking wine. 
 
 They on their heads retain the hat, 
 
 Ordering Boots do this, or that.” 
 
 The while, about the room they walk, 
 
 Or else, to waiter loudly talk 
 Of what there is for dinner cook’d. 
 
 Or, that they want the first chance book’d 
 Outside the mail, — whence starts it, John ? ” 
 And this they do with top-coats on. 
 
 They always at high pressure are — 
 
 With too much power on by far — 
 
 Yet, spite their hurry, you will find. 
 
 That frequently they are behind 
 Some others you may fancy slow. 
 
 And something leave where’er they go. 
 
 With this just now I ’ve nought to do — 
 
 It is for their annoying you 
 
.00 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 That I invoked my Muse to sing, 
 
 In hopes it may improvement bring ; 
 
 But fearing I may tedious seem, 
 
 I ’ll leave them for a merrier theme. 
 
 And tell a tale that I have heard. 
 
 But cannot say where it occurred. 
 
 A dandy youth, whose name appear’d 
 As partner with the man who rear’d 
 The hopeful child ! ^ Some, one and Son ’ 
 
 ’Twas now; before, there was but one 
 Large name that graced the invoice head, 
 Except a ^ Co., which people said 
 Was ornament on bills or door, 
 
 For sake of sounds and nothing more : 
 
 But to my tale, this partner boy — 
 
 His father’s pride, his mother’s joy — - 
 Resolv’d he would a journey take, 
 
 Tho’ not so much for orders’ sake. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 .91 
 
 Nor yet to see how trade was done, 
 
 As ’twas to show his father’s son ; 
 
 And he would see his ‘ Pa's’ connexion, 
 Although his ^ Ma’ made much objection 
 Regarding manners and complexion : 
 
 She feared indeed her dear bop's doom, 
 
 The former lost in Trav’lers’ room, 
 
 The latter spoil’d by sun and rain. 
 
 She therefore would the youth detain. 
 
 But go he would, the world to see, 
 
 That is, the world commercially. 
 
 Great fuss was made, I have no doubt, 
 
 To get him rightly fitted out ; 
 
 The gig was painted, harness new. 
 
 The whip as well — nought else would do ; 
 His coats, his mat, e’en to his bag. 
 
 All things were new, except the nag. 
 
 And he, though old, his place retained. 
 Not for the beauty which he claimed, 
 
 It was because (so people say) 
 
 He never kick’d or ran away, 
 
92 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And might be driven by a child, 
 
 His disposition was so mild. 
 
 At food or work ne’er known to jib, 
 
 He ’d bite, ’tis true — but ’twas the crib ; 
 And, though his pace was very slow, 
 
 It rendered him more fit to go, 
 
 (At least the youth’s mamma thought so). 
 This partner boy, of tender age. 
 
 Thus starts to drive his maiden stage, 
 
 His father seated by his side, 
 
 That he may both enjoy the ride. 
 
 And on his dear boy’s mind impress 
 Th’ importance of a good address. 
 
 And how behave where’er he went. 
 
 Not going out to represent, 
 
 But, being now a partner, he 
 Should act with proper dignity ; 
 
 This done, he from his dear boy” parted, 
 Who on his second stage then started. 
 Driving away with spirits bold. 
 
 Brim-full of what his parent told. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 93 
 
 On that same evening, (all alone, 
 
 A time when vanity’s most shown,) 
 
 About the hour of half-past eight. 
 
 Like nabob in an Eastern state. 
 
 With slippers gay, and dressing-gown, 
 
 Our hero by the fire sat down ; 
 
 (His dear mamma who was to blame 
 For this said dressing-gown I name. 
 
 Had hid it ’neath the driving seat, 
 
 Fearing it might his Pa’s eyes meet). 
 
 Seated in this most strange attire 
 (For Trav’lers’ room) beside the fire. 
 
 His mouth with mi7d cigar he graced. 
 
 One foot upon the fender placed. 
 
 The other raised upon the hob. 
 
 He look’d, (what Punch would call) ^ a snob.’ 
 Just then, as though a plot were laid. 
 
 Two other Trav’lers entrance made ; 
 
 The one with wine or grog was “ mellow,” 
 Belonging to the class good fellow.” 
 
94 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 He saw our youth, and wink'd his eye 
 At his companion standing by, 
 
 Then whispering, address’d him thus ; 
 ‘We’ll have a lark, he ’s “ none of us ^ 
 
 I ’ll “ trot him out,” before I ’ve done, 
 
 I ’m just now in the key for fun.” 
 
 His friend belong’d to that old school 
 Who reverence commercial rule ; 
 
 Such conduct was to him no joke, 
 
 He therefore frown’d, but nothing spoke. 
 ‘ He should be better manners taught. 
 
 If he be “ one of us,” he thought, 
 
 ‘ If not, how dare he then presume 
 To smoke in our commercial room ? 
 Where he ’s no right I well divine. 
 
 Or he ’d not smoke before ’twas nine.” 
 While thus he thought, and long before 
 He ’d turned it in his mind half o’er. 
 His younger friend thus carried out 
 The ^hit of fun,^ he spoke about. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 95 
 
 ^ Young gentleman, I ’ll tell you what, 
 
 Our smoking rules you have forgot. 
 
 And when young Trav’lers act like you, 
 
 This is the course which we pursue : — 
 
 A bowl of punch, or else some wine. 
 
 We make them stand by way of fine ; 
 
 Or, if the party’s taste be found 
 To like grog better, glasses round ; ” 
 
 And, since you ’ve err’d, say if you please, 
 Which fine you would prefer of these % ’ 
 
 At this salute our hero stared. 
 
 It seemed to take him unprepared ; 
 
 But, ere he could at all reply. 
 
 Our elder friend, with flashing eye. 
 
 Stepp’d forth, and ask’d from whence he came ? 
 Who travelled for ? what trade, and name ? 
 
 ^ Who travel for ! ’ replied the lad, 
 
 ^ / never yet a master had ; 
 
 My trade and name I I ’d have you know 
 That I ’m no common Traveller, No ! 
 
96 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 But partner of a firm, you see, 
 
 A firm which keeps some two or three ; ’ 
 Then gives his card with dignity, 
 
 ^ Ha ! ha ! ’ our jovial friend exclaim’d, 
 
 ^ The mystery is now explained ; 
 
 I thought it strange, and had my doubt, 
 If any firm had e’er sent out 
 So great a fool in its employ, 
 
 As I perceive in you, my boy.” 
 
OOTS now comes in to slipper all, 
 
 And minute down the hours to call ; 
 Call me at six/’ you hear one say, 
 
 Or mark me, ‘ Boots,’ you get no pay.” 
 But “ Boots ” from long experience knows 
 That at that* hour he ne’er yet rose ; 
 
 I ’ll call you, sir,” he says, the while 
 He chalks the hour to hide a smile. 
 
 At this another cracks his joke 
 By saying, mind that I ’m awoke 
 So that I hear the clock strike three. 
 
 Or not one doit you ’ll get from me ; ” 
 
 Then, stooping down, his dexter eye 
 He ’ll wink at Boots,” with arch look sly, 
 
 And in a low side-whisper state 
 
 ‘‘ He ’s joking, and would lie till eight.” 
 
 H 
 
98 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 ‘‘ Boots” takes the hint, and straight replies, 
 “ At three I think you say you ’ll rise ? ” 
 And, seeming on his work intent. 
 
 He chalks down three, as if ’twere meant. 
 Now, some one wondering asks, why he 
 Desires to be awoke at three ? — 
 
 He answers, in pathetic strain. 
 
 Though he a laugh can scarce refrain, 
 
 “ All seasons will their changes bring. 
 
 And this is how I act in spring. 
 
 Sometimes I mount my horse, and trot 
 Or gallop to some open spot. 
 
 And through my panting lungs inhale 
 The freshness of the spring morn’s gale ; 
 
 But frequently I wander through 
 The corn-fields sparkling with the dew. 
 There listen with attentive ear 
 To sky-lark’s song, so shrill and clear. 
 
 As soaring up unseen it flies, 
 
 And with some fellow-songster vies ; 
 
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 99 
 
 Or else to cuckoo — real spring bird, 
 
 At other seasons never heard ; 
 
 Or wood-dove*s distant, mellow coo — 
 Symbol of love, both fond and true ; 
 
 Or to the blackbird’s varied song. 
 
 Or notes which to each class belong, 
 
 As thrush, or linnet’s warbling voice, 
 
 Or finch, that may with chirps rejoice : 
 But all, by song or chirp, reveal 
 The joy they at this season feel. 
 
 While toiling o’er their building nest. 
 Each with its chosen partner blest : 
 
 And in these notes I meditate 
 The bliss of newly married state ; 
 
 They then aye sing a merry tune. 
 
 For ’tis to them their honeymoon. 
 
 D ’ye think I ’d snore my time away 
 When I could hear these warblers gay ? 
 In summer, through the lanes I stroll. 
 Or shaded glens where cool streams roll, 
 H 2 
 
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 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Or ramble with a pleasing book 
 To some secluded sheltered nook. 
 
 There, on the self-formed mossy seat, 
 
 I read, among the odours sweet 
 Of roses wild and creeping bine. 
 
 As they in fond embrace enUvine, 
 
 And form by their united powers 
 An arbour scented by their flowers. 
 
 Think you I’d steam in close bed-room 
 And might inhale this sweet perfume ? — 
 But give me an autumnal scene. 
 
 When all is quiet, calm, serene ; 
 
 It is a treat I highly prize 
 To watch the autumn sun arise. 
 
 There see him with his golden rays 
 Dispel the damps of morning haze ; 
 
 As floating, like some ocean pale. 
 
 It seems to inundate the vale. 
 
 Or soaring upwards, then enshrouds 
 The mountain tops, like falling clouds : 
 
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 101 
 
 There, with an artist’s eye, I view 
 The distant woodland’s varied hue. 
 Which rising from the mist is seen, 
 
 With thousand tints of brown and green. 
 Or let me, near some wood or grove, 
 
 In meditation calmly rove ; 
 
 There, in that quiet solitude, 
 
 O ’er last night’s scenes perhaps I brood. 
 Or else my present state compare 
 To fallen leaves I trample there. 
 
 When winter comes, I court its breeze. 
 And heedless if it snow or freeze, 
 
 Or if a hurricane it blow, 
 
 Away I to some mountain go ; 
 
 Thus by its bracing powers I find. 
 
 That I my slackened sinews bind ; 
 
 And two advantages I gain 
 
 0 ’er those who in their beds remain. 
 
 For while my health I thus improve, 
 
 1 also from my clothes remove 
 
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 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 The filthy fumes which cause their smell, 
 When in such smoke as this I dwell.” 
 While thus he speaks, you cannot trace 
 A mark of smile upon his face, 
 
 And those that do not know his way, 
 Attention to each word will pay. 
 
 Others there are who know the man, 
 Who will at once his object scan ; 
 
 These listen, and subdue the laugh, 
 
 It is his style — he calls it chaff. ” 
 
 For they well know he ne’er was led 
 By Nature’s charms to leave his bed ; 
 And if perchance he should arise, 
 
 Ere winter’s sun was in the skies, 
 
 ’Tis not from love of morning dews, 
 
 But lest some rail or coach he ’d lose. 
 This class their talents oft pervert 
 By learning tricks they call expert ; 
 
 They are adept at making sales 
 Or double meaning toasts or tales^ 
 
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 103 
 
 Can patter flash/’ both high and low, 
 All tricks on cards and tossing know, 
 Play “ thimble rig ” and conjure well. 
 And ev’ry gambler’s move can tell ; 
 
 Or (if you ’ll bet they are not able). 
 
 Can let a glass drop off the table ” 
 
 And fall so gently on the floor 
 As not to break one in a score. 
 
 Sometimes they will the poker take. 
 
 And wager glasses round ” they ’ll break 
 It cross their arm by one strong blow. 
 
 Or balance chairs their strength to show. 
 There is no move they are not down to, 
 And some of them can fight a round too, 
 But chaffing ” is the great strong hold 
 Of all the feats that I ’ve now told ; 
 
 It gets them in some scrapes no doubt, 
 But then it always helps them out, 
 
 For be you vexed at what they ’ve said, 
 Or by their statements are misled, 
 
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 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 They’ll by some wit or happy joke 
 Subdue your wrath, and mirth provoke. 
 
 Mark you that youth who 's almost choking, 
 And doubtless from the pipe he 's smoking ; 
 
 His heavy eyes, so dull and dim, 
 
 Betray how ’tis annoying him. 
 
 That he dislikes it, you may trace 
 By that distorted, writhing face ; 
 
 It injures him you hear express’d 
 By that short cough and heaving chest. 
 
 And see it by those cheeks so thin. 
 
 The shade of pipe he ’s smoking in. 
 
 You marvel how it is that he 
 Can do himself such injury ; 
 
 How, with these symptons, he should still 
 Pursue a course which makes him ill. 
 
 We sometimes can a cause assign 
 Why men act thus, when ’tis from wine ; 
 
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 105 
 
 Apart from taste, — the spirits free, 
 
 The conversation, mirth and glee, 
 
 And brilliant wit which thence will flow. 
 
 These cast round wine a bright halo ; 
 
 And this will form a magic spell. 
 
 To make them o’er the wine-cup dwell. 
 
 But rare it is, th’ effect of smoke 
 Will quick retort or wit provoke ; 
 
 It rather brings a serious mood. 
 
 And makes men o’er their own thoughts brood. 
 He has not e’en the saving plea 
 Of one you in that arm-chair see ; 
 
 Now he could laud tobacco’s charms, 
 
 And tell how it dispels alarms. 
 
 Calms buoyant hope when it appears 
 Too sanguine, and allays all fears. 
 
 Corrects the bile and other ills, 
 
 And does away with doctor s bills ; 
 
 Of physic, men ne’er stand in need 
 If they ’ll but smoke — such is his creed. 
 
106 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Observe how he has placed his feet, 
 
 One o’er the other — mark his seat, 
 
 Slightly aside — left hand on knees 
 Keclining backward all at ease, 
 
 ’Tis thus his wearied limbs he rests, 
 
 And merits of tobacco tests 
 
 Through yard of clay wax’d at the tip, 
 
 Which drooping on his nether lip, 
 
 Falls gently down to his right hand, 
 
 So placed on chair as to command 
 The bowl’s contents, should it require 
 The digit’s point, or touch of fire : 
 
 Then mark that cloud which round him curls. 
 While memory’s tablet he unfurls. 
 
 And joy, or grief, or hope, or fear, 
 
 For judgment in their turn appear, , 
 
 To be from all excitement freed 
 By virtue of that soothing weed. 
 
 It is a picture, happy scene, 
 
 Of mind and body all serene, 
 
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 107 
 
 And by those clouds, if watch’d, you ’ll find 
 The inward workings of his mind : 
 
 If pleasing thoughts, then gently flow 
 The curling vapours, thin and slow ; 
 
 If otherwise, then short and thick. 
 
 They follow in succession quick. 
 
 But to return to this young man. 
 
 Whose smoking cause we fain would scan ; 
 Some object he would surely gain. 
 
 Or he ’d not suffer so much pain ? 
 
 And pondering what that cause can be, 
 
 At last conclude ’tis vanity. 
 
 The pipe he smokes is meerschaum grand. 
 And thus he can’t the charm withstand. 
 
 Of having this, his meerschaum shown, 
 
 And being as its owner known. 
 
 Unless to smoke a sign of man be — 
 
 We know no motive else there can be. 
 
 Thus, vanity must be the cause 
 Why he subverts all Nature’s laws, 
 
108 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Committing thus a suicide 
 
 By small instalments, through his pride. 
 
 The hour is now half-past eleven, 
 And still there linger six or seven ; 
 Some three or four, the early men, 
 Retired to rest when clock struck ten. 
 One, now with practis’d eye o’erlooks 
 His sample cards or pattern books. 
 
 For such as he ’s by letter told. 
 
 To “ throw aside as all are sold 
 Or else an order-sheet is writing. 
 
 Or circulars to friends inditing ; 
 
 He is a plodder, and ’tis rare 
 Y ou find him with an hour to spare. 
 ’Till twelve he ’ll thus employ his time. 
 And has been at it now since nine ; 
 To-morrow he ’ll arise at five, 
 
 And ere he breaks his fast will drive, 
 
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 109 
 
 With jaded horse, and heavy load, 
 
 O’er fourteen miles cross country road ; 
 For should he not arrive by eight. 
 
 He is informed he ’ll be too late. 
 
 The only client he has there 
 Is off at nine for neighb’ring fair, 
 
 And when his plans are once arranged, 
 
 He is not by persuasion changed ; 
 
 It will not do a chance to miss : 
 Experience has taught him this. 
 
 That frequently a day is spoil’ d 
 By being in the morning foil’d ; 
 
 He knows each market, fair, and race. 
 That will throughout his route take place ; 
 He also can inform you what 
 The capital each man has got 
 In trade employ’d, and if his own. 
 
 Or if obtain’d on bond or loan ; 
 
 The length of time he ’s been in trade, 
 What his returns,” what profits made, 
 
110 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Whether in cash or bills he pays, 
 
 And what his habits, tastes, and ways. 
 Immense advantage is obtain’d 
 From knowledge such as this, when gain’d 
 For by it he precaution takes, 
 
 And seldom ’tis a bad debt makes ; 
 
 The confidence he has long enjoy’d 
 Of those by whom he is employ’d ; 
 
 For industry he is well known. 
 
 And as example oft is shown 
 By those who give advice to others — 
 
 The old ones ” to their younger brothers. 
 The end for which he toils and strives. 
 And works thus late, thus early drives. 
 
 Is, that the sales upon his ground 
 May not than last year less be found — 
 
 He ’d double, if he could, the same. 
 
 And thus keep up his trav’ling fame. 
 
 “ Since you ’ve so much to write about. 
 You ’d better for a clerk send out : 
 
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 11 ] 
 
 By toiling thus, both night and day, 
 
 You’ll make work scarce,” we hear one say — 
 The Chaffer,” who at three would rise : 
 
 To whom our plodding friend replies. 
 
 Though deigns not e’en to lift his eyes, 
 
 I want no help ; and, when I do, 
 
 I shall not, sir, apply to you : 
 
 The sort of man I fain would find. 
 
 Must his own busines only mind.” 
 
 In corner, one, who on three chairs 
 Had snored away his toils and cares, 
 
 Now rings for one ‘‘ small bottom ” more. 
 Which, with the three he ’s had before, 
 Begin to make an outward show 
 Of how things with him inward go. 
 
 He now relates where he has been. 
 
 What rare things done, what wonders seen. 
 Or tells some marv’lous anecdotes 
 Of strange escapes by rails or boats : 
 
112 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Of horses he ’s had run away, 
 
 And puird up in some novel way : 
 
 Or else how coolly he behaved 
 When some one he from drowning saved. 
 The deeds he ’5 done he wants to state, 
 More than the anecdotes relate. 
 
 He is the worst of listeners, too. 
 
 To what may e’er be told by you ; 
 Though at commencement he ’ll appear 
 To lend a most attentive ear, 
 
 His only thought, when you ’ve begun, 
 Is, what he 'll say when you have done ; 
 And never was a tale yet told 
 But he could one more strange unfold. 
 
 I SEEK in vain thy aid, O Muse, 
 For language strong enough to use. 
 And cannot in my song reveal 
 The strong disgust I always feel 
 
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 113 
 
 When I behold, as I do now, 
 
 A hoary head and furrow’d brow, 
 
 On which some three-score years I trace, 
 Bring on grey hairs such foul disgrace. 
 
 It is a grievous sight to view 
 Old age like that, where honour ’s due, 
 Which should as an example prove 
 To youths, who oft by impulse move : 
 
 ’Tis sad, when eyes like these I see 
 Thus sparkling with licentious glee. 
 
 And wither’d cheeks expand with joy 
 At tales like those told by a boy — 
 
 Some ribald tale or anecdote. 
 
 So foul, O Muse, you dare not quote. 
 
 This much is sad ; but ’tis far worse. 
 When toothless mouths I hear rehearse 
 A catalogue of base intrigues. 
 
 Or drunken bouts,” or brothel sprees,” 
 As that old man will tell, and smile, — 
 Kehearsing them in words so vile. 
 
114 
 
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 And since in vain for phrase I seek, 
 
 I must through some quotation speak : 
 
 To Avon’s bard I therefore fly, 
 
 Where I find one which will apply — 
 His filth within being cast^ mark welly 
 He would appear a pond as deep as hellT 
 
 Our snoring friend to bedroom rolls 
 With Chamber-maid and pan of coals.’ 
 I think, O Muse, it were as well 
 Not on this character to dwell : 
 
 ’Tis one which now we seldom see, 
 
 And which, I hope, will shortly be 
 Unknown : then, since so rare a sight. 
 We ’ll pass him by, and say. Good night 
 But, as I ’ve mention’d Chamber-maid, 
 Didst thou observe her look — how staid 1 
 The cause is this — she sees her fate 
 Will be this night to stay up late ; 
 
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 115 
 
 For, as events to come we know 
 By shadows they before them throw, 
 
 So, when our Gent^ this day at noon, 
 Drove in the yard, she knew her doom ; 
 And all the songs and tales she hears. 
 Tend to confirm her in her fears. 
 
 The plodder locks his desk, and then 
 Tells Chamber-maid to come again. 
 
 I 2 
 
HE waiter moves the empty glasses 
 
 To reconnoitre all that passes, 
 
 Then wipes the table and inquires 
 If any gent more grog desires ? ” 
 ’Tis not his wish their mirth to mar, 
 But Miss Some-one ’’ would lock the bar 
 When they ’d enough, and go to rest ; 
 
 And he inquired by her request. 
 
 What is the time we hear one cry ; 
 
 The time be hang’d — time 's all my eye — 
 
 ’Twas made for slaves. Shall it be said. 
 
 That you and I are by it led, 
 
 And schoolboy-like be sent to bed ? 
 
 No, no ! such things can never be 
 While we are men and Britons free. 
 
 Miss ^ Some-one’s ’ question would be well 
 In days of William’s curfew-bell. 
 
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 117 
 
 The time indeed ! — I ’ve ne’er begun 
 To spend the evening until one : 
 
 A witchery there is to me 
 
 About the hours one, two, and three. 
 
 We then are freed from all restraint — 
 
 No Uight-laced coves ’ to make complaint ; 
 
 But if Miss ^ Some-one ’ is fatigued 
 And stands of rest so much in need, 
 
 We ’ll only have a glass each more. 
 
 And vote all bars on grog a bore * — 
 
 Just one sixpen'orih and cigar ^ 
 
 Then tell her, John, to lock the bar.” 
 
 ’Twas thus our friend, the Chaffer,” spoke. 
 
 Who in all things must have his joke. 
 
 Then sixpence from his pocket drew, 
 
 Which upwards in the air he threw, 
 
 Declaring he should like a toss^'" 
 
 Though cared not for the gain or loss — 
 
 ’Twas, who should pay he fain would know — 
 “ Best two in three** he ’d either go, 
 
 Or odd man out** if three should thro\y ; 
 
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 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 But sudden death ” was best of all — 
 
 Just ‘‘ one flip upfl and then our call. 
 
 He hoped some one was Aflame ” to try 
 His luck with him, and have a fly ” 
 
 For six of Brandy^ or of Gin 
 He 'd not for more than that ^flo in'" 
 
 Our Jolly ” friend said, he for one 
 Would take a turn ” — he liked the fun : 
 
 This said, you see they have agreed 
 F or two sixpenorths ” and a weed 
 
 ’Tis ^ sudden death ’ must be the way,” 
 
 The Chaffer” says, and loser pay — 
 
 ‘ If heads, I win; if tails, you lose ’ — 
 
 And you flo down,' sir, if you choose :” 
 
 Done ! ” says the Jolly” one, and down 
 Upon the table slaps a crown ; 
 
 His hand he lifts, and then declares 
 ’Tis head that on the surface stares : 
 
 Head ! ” says the Chaffer, that ’s all right — 
 I ’m in luck’s way, I think, to-night — 
 
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 119 
 
 If heads, I win — you ’ll pay the cost ; 
 
 Though, if'twere tails, you would have lost — 
 ‘ If heads, I win ! if tails, you lose ! ’ — 
 
 You ‘ like the fun’ ! — does it amuse ? 
 
 Y ou ’ve bought it cheap, ’tis very good. 
 
 So might as well the grogs have stood ; 
 
 But then your loss you ’ll soon reclaim 
 By selling some one else the same.” 
 
 I say, old fellow, ’twill not do, 
 
 He is ^ too downy ’ far for you ; 
 
 To toss with him, is ^ to he done"' : 
 
 But, since you say you ^ like the fun,’ 
 
 You may as well ^fork out the tin^ 
 
 And let us have ^ the glasses in ' — 
 
 'Twas ^glasses round '' you toss’d, I think, 
 
 And none of us have aught to drink.” 
 
 Thus speaks a youth, one of the class 
 Known on the road as rather fast ” — 
 
 The class my Muse described before 
 As asking, Who he traveil’d for ?” 
 
120 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 What coach he drove or Who is he ?” 
 And very knowing thought to be. 
 
 « ^ For glasses round 1* 'twas no such thing : 
 Here, waiter ! two sixpen’orths bring, 
 
 And two cigars : I ’ll pay for these — 
 
 Those gents can have whate’er they please. 
 And pay themselves ; for, mind, you see 
 That none of it is charged to me.” 
 
 ’Tis thus our Jolly ” friend replies. 
 
 With blessings ? — on the other’s eyes, 
 
 Then intimates when all is brought. 
 
 He ’ll sing a ditty newly wrought. 
 
 The grogs are in, likewise cigars ; 
 
 And nothing now their pleasure mars : 
 
 Attention, Gents,” the Chaffer” cries, 
 
 “ A novelty in song I prize.” 
 
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 121 
 
 A TRAVELLER’S LIFE’S THE BEST 
 THAT’S LED. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 4 
 
 
 ; ”0 
 
 
 
122 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Slower. 
 
 Straight back, deep chest, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 123 
 
 A Traveller’s life ’s the best that ’s led ! 
 
 With cob-built tit, quite three parts bred — 
 
 Straight back — deep chest — large ears — small head. 
 Oh give me the road ! the road — the road ! 
 
 For the Traveller’s life ’s the best that ’s led. 
 
 His nostrils large — a bright full eye — 
 
 Good open foot — propelling thigh ; 
 
 His ribs well up and shoulders high. 
 
 Oh give, &c. 
 
 His age somewhere from six to eight — 
 
 His action quick — his courage great ; 
 
 With power up to any weight. 
 
 Oh give, &c. 
 
 Full fifteen hands his height should be. 
 
 For work and food both eager he. 
 
 And pace twelve miles an hour when free. 
 
 Oh give, &c. 
 
 With such a tit, no blemish known — 
 
 His colour bay, black, gray, or roan ; 
 
 In dog-cart light — and all my own — 
 
 Oh give, &c. 
 
124 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 His harness plain, well made, and strong, 
 
 No gaudy plating seen thereon ; 
 
 And Swain’s or Skinner’s stick and thong. 
 
 Oh give, &c. 
 
 From all bad debts my ledger freed, 
 
 A trade that would few samples need. 
 
 And orders plenty, then I ’d lead 
 
 The life of the road — the road — the road ! 
 For a traveller’s life, &c. 
 
 With these combined, give me the road — 
 
 A Traveller’s room my sole abode, 
 
 An Inn my home — my life the road. 
 
 Oh give me the road ! &c. 
 
 A jolly good song, jolly well sung, 
 
 Jolly companions every one. 
 
 We wont give o’er till morning, 
 
 Till daylight does appear.” 
 
 Your health and song, sir, I propose 
 Which health ” around the room now goes 
 Our next proceeding is to claim 
 A toast from you ; then hope you T1 name — 
 As you ’re entitled to a call — 
 
 On whom that honour next shall fall.” 
 
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 125 
 
 Thus speaks our friend, the knowing one, 
 Who looks as though great deeds were done ; 
 Adding, that he should be content 
 With either toast or sentiment. 
 
 The other answers, with an oath, 
 
 A toast, or sentiment, or both 
 I ’ll give you, in one form combined ; 
 
 But all must do it justice, mind.” 
 
 Then Woman ” is the toast he gives ; 
 
 And in whatever clime she lives. 
 
 There may our arms protection be 
 To her, from every injury ; 
 
 Our full reward for which we find, 
 
 When gratefully in herh entwined.” 
 
 He tells them, then, he ’ll name a Gent 
 With whom he ’ll warrant them content. 
 
 His friend, the Chaffer,” knows him well, 
 And says he can some queer tales tell, 
 
 Or else in comic songs excel. 
 
 The party named, his case bewails. 
 
 Declaring that he knows no tales. 
 
12G 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Or e ’er was heard to sing at all, 
 
 And hopes that they will, mend their call''' 
 At length he tries — breaks down — and then 
 He is induced to try again. 
 
 Though he can ’t sing, no one believes him ; 
 At length a volunteer relieves him, 
 
 Who says that he ’ll not try to sing, 
 
 But may, perhaps, amusement bring ; 
 
 Or, at the least, their time beguile : 
 
 He ’ll tell a tale in Gilpin’s ” style — 
 
 A horse’s tale — he thinks they’ll smile : 
 
 One afternoon, at half-past five. 
 
 With horse ne’er seen before, 
 
 I started, in my gig, to drive 
 Some nineteen miles or more, 
 lie was not large, but rather small. 
 
 His action quick and high, — 
 
 What jockeys in their parlance call 
 ^ A clipper,’ and could fly. 
 
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 127 
 
 I heard his previous owner say — 
 
 Such was his strength and power — 
 He drove him fifty miles, one day, 
 
 And ten miles in the hour. 
 
 No whip he all that day required, 
 
 Nor e’er refused his food. 
 
 Nor symptoms showed of being tired, 
 His courage was so good : 
 
 Y et, with a ^ lame un ’ in exchange. 
 Was he for trifle sold ; 
 
 When this I heard, I thought it strange 
 If all were true he told. 
 
 With this same horse, as I have said, 
 
 I started to drive down, 
 
 To sup that night, and go to bed 
 At Brentwood’s little town. 
 
 We started off at easy rate. 
 
 Got safely ‘ o’er the stones,’ 
 
 Though just then in a greasy state. 
 
 And ’scaped all broken bones. 
 
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 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 As down the road we went to Bow, 
 
 All vehicles we passed ; 
 
 I rather thought that they were slow, 
 Than that we travel ’d fast. 
 
 An open road — I ’d nought to do 
 But just to guide his head ; 
 
 It seemed to me that all was true 
 His previous owner said. 
 
 From this one fact you may conclude 
 We went at no bad rate ; 
 
 For by the clocks when at Brentwood, 
 ’Twas half an hour to eight. 
 
 When taken out to be well scraped, 
 
 Up went his heels on high ; 
 
 And tho’ the ostler just escaped, 
 
 He made the scraper fly : 
 
 Then with his head the halter broke, 
 Though it was hempen spun ; 
 
 The ostler stared, and thus he spoke — 
 ‘ Why, hang it, this is rum.’ 
 
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 129 
 
 It was not long ere he was caught, 
 
 And tied up in the stall ; 
 
 But to be scraped, could not be brought 
 By any means at all. 
 
 When ^ bedded down,’ and well rack’d up, 
 I gave him sucli a feed. 
 
 That John exclaim’d, in taking up, 
 
 ‘ This is good keep indeed.’ 
 
 At six next morning I arose. 
 
 And now from what you ’ve heard, 
 
 We were not long, you may suppose. 
 
 Before we reach’d Chelmsford. 
 
 His pace was as the night before. 
 
 Which, as I ’ve sung or said, 
 
 Was ten miles in the hour or more, 
 
 By giving him his head : 
 
 ’Twas there we had indeed a game — 
 
 His shoes were rather loose. 
 
 And when the blacksmith to him came, 
 
 He play’d the ^ very deuce,’ 
 
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 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Both smith and ostler found it hard 
 His kicking game to stop, 
 
 They therefore took him from the yard 
 Down to the shoeing shop, 
 
 They tied him fast with halters two. 
 
 And then began their work ; 
 
 But when once touch’d (tho’ both were new) 
 He snapp’d them at a jerk : 
 
 He plunged, he kick’d, he upwards rear’d, 
 And ere you could count ten. 
 
 The shoeing shop he had quite clear’d 
 Of blacksmith and his men. 
 
 Now being loose, without control. 
 
 Sad mischief came to pass ; 
 
 He of the window made a hole. 
 
 By breaking frame and glass. 
 
 The blacksmith fumed, and as he swore, 
 
 ^ Thee ’dst kill one, I suppose ; ’ 
 
 He caught him by the mane once more, 
 
 And ^ twitch’ placed on his nose. 
 
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 131 
 
 They twitch'd him tight, they made him blind, 
 But all of no avail ; 
 
 Their torturing he did not mind, 
 
 They could not drive a nail. 
 
 A message came to me to know 
 What I would have them do ? 
 
 There was no chance, they must him throw, 
 
 Or go without a shoe ; 
 
 And thrown he was ere he was shod, 
 
 And now I clearly see 
 
 That what before I fancied odd, 
 
 Remains no mystery. 
 
 I thought it strange that horse so bold, 
 
 So fast, so free, and strong. 
 
 Should for such trifling price be sold, 
 
 Had there been nothing wrong. 
 
 I thought it odd, I must declare. 
 
 For Jocks the truth to tell ; 
 
 The honest truth, and faults lay bare, 
 
 Of horses they ’d to sell.” 
 
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 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 This tale great acclamation drew 
 From all, as tales in gen’ral do — 
 
 Call forth another, sometimes two ; 
 
 Which if they ’re of a sim’lar vein, 
 
 Are prefaced by this common strain — 
 
 That brings to mind a tale I heard ” — 
 
 Such proved the case now, word for word : — 
 
 I don’t know where, but in some village or small town, 
 A man there did reside of such immense renown. 
 
 That when a stranger saw him he would straight exclaim — 
 ^ There goes a second DanieV (tho’ ’twas not his name) ; 
 From this you may infer that he look’d very wise. 
 
 He was no fool, ’tis true, but yet it was his size 
 Which caused this exclamation, and sooth well it might. 
 As you would have declared, had you beheld the sight ; 
 A Daniel Lambert ’twas he meant, he was a man so great ; 
 In pounds I mean, not sterling, but in point of weight. 
 He could not walk a mile, but his Physician said 
 That he much exercise must take, or soon he would be dead : 
 
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 133 
 
 He thus at length resolved, he would on horseback ride, 
 
 If one could be obtain’d that would his weight abide. 
 
 A score at least were tried, and one at last was found 
 Quite equal to the task, as also safe and sound ; 
 
 But evil-tongued report proclaim’d a fault so sad, 
 
 It could not be pass’d over, its nature was so bad ; 
 
 It was not that he kick’d, bit, jibb’d, or ran away — 
 
 What could this fault be then ? I think I hear you say. 
 He a disciple was, of doctrine call’d free-will. 
 
 And on the road, sans leave, would oftentimes stand 
 .still ; 
 
 That is, when he thought fit, and then no whip or spur. 
 Or any more persuasive means could ever make him stir : 
 For kindness and coercion had both on him been tried ; 
 Their pats he treated with contempt, and all their blows 
 defied. 
 
 Now many would have look’d on this as some most serious 
 fault, 
 
 But, virtue to our friend it was, and thus the horse he 
 bought ; 
 
134 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 The ride on horseback '^twas which he so much desired, 
 And if the horse stood still, he '’d not so soon be tired. 
 The cash he forthwith paid, then homeward sent the nag. 
 And laughingly exclaim’d (for he was no small wag. 
 
 But laugh he could and would until his sides would 
 shake) 
 
 ^ I ’ll cure him of his fault, or else his back I ’ll break.’ 
 
 Now, our hero he enjoy’d his friend, and glass, and joke ; 
 And seated all alone, his pipe he loved to smoke ; 
 
 A rampant Tory he, and fear’d such innovations 
 As steamboats, railroads, must soon compromise all nations. 
 Against all improvements most loudly he protested, 
 
 And ^ New Lights^ he, like match of Lucifer, detested. 
 Thus, when he went abroad, that he no time should hinder, 
 A box he carried, stored with flint and steel and tinder ; 
 With a pouch of tobacco, short pipe of good clay. 
 
 And small flask of rum, he was stocked for the day. 
 
 In this manner provided, his hackney to try. 
 
 He rode a short distance, and nought turned awry, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 135 
 
 When, all of a sudden, in midst of a trot, * 
 
 He came to ^ a stand, ^ and would not stir a jot. 
 
 What could our friend do in this case ? you will say. 
 That he made him move on in at least a new way ; 
 
 Whip and spur were no use, as I ’ve told you before, 
 
 So this Lambert the Second would try them no more. 
 
 But he said to himself ^ You can stand, if you please, 
 
 I am not in a hurry, I ’ll smoke at my ease ; 
 
 Stand as long as you like, ’tis to me all the same, 
 
 For I rather enjoy this thy standing-still game.’ 
 
 Then his pipe he fill’d full, in his boot placed his stick. 
 And with flint steel and tinder alight struck — click-click. 
 In about twenty minutes his nag gave a shake. 
 
 For he, doubtless, was thinking his back would soon break 
 If much longer he stood with so heavy a weight. 
 
 And therefore moved on, at a moderate rate. 
 
 On the following day he was in the same fix ; 
 
 But as soon as the flint and the steel gave the clicks. 
 What occurred to his mind was the yesterday's pain. 
 And with that he resolved he 'd no longer remain ; 
 
136 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 But trotted away at so rapid a pace 
 
 The people all thought he was out on a race. 
 
 And a better horse, now, there cannot be found. 
 
 If the country be search’d for fifty miles round ; 
 
 For should he e’er symptoms of standing still show. 
 At the sound of the clicks he is certain to go.” 
 
 A pause ensues, and then, forsooth. 
 
 The one we styled the knowing youth 
 Acquaints the Chaffer” he ’d not care 
 To toss with him if all were fair. 
 
 He instantly the challenge takes. 
 
 And further, this remark he makes — 
 
 We always should the child’s name know. 
 Before we to the christening go ; 
 
 And you^ I think, propose that /, 
 
 For two small bottoms, give one flyT 
 Precisely so — I understand,” 
 
 Responds the youth, with coin in hand. 
 
 “ I understand^' is scarcely said. 
 
 Ere on the cloth a fly lies dead ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 137 
 
 But whether by the Chaffer ” caught, 
 Or whether in his grog 'twas brought, 
 
 Or how obtain’d, I need not state. 
 
 The character to illustrate. 
 
 Suffice it that he gives the fly, 
 
 And waits his knowing friend’s reply ; 
 Who is more vexed at being “ done,’*' 
 Than he*d been pleased if he had won. 
 
 It is a sell,'* he then declares ; 
 
 And will not pay, he vows and swears. 
 The Chaffer ” finds his wit provokes. 
 And cares not now how much he jokes ; 
 In vain, the other will not pay : 
 
 And how Twould end ’twere hard to say. 
 Did not our Jolly ” friend begin 
 To play a tune upon his chin. 
 
 And after that sing Auld Lang Syne,” 
 In which all voices loudly chime. 
 
 Though incorrect in tune and time ; 
 
 This done, we hear him recommend 
 That each one to his chamber wend. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 J ust at this point the clock strikes three, 
 They therefore all with him agree ; 
 
 No grog is left, nor even fire ; 
 
 Thus one and all to bed retire. 
 
 The Chaffer ” is the last to move, 
 
 But why, the following morn must prove ; 
 He knows that Boots ” a small slate keeps, 
 To mark the rooms where each one sleeps, 
 And minute down the hours likewise 
 At which their occupants would rise ; 
 
 This slate obtain’d, he’ll then erase 
 The hours of calling, or transplace 
 A seven for jive, or nine for six, 
 
 That none are called what time they fix ; 
 Some, three or four long hours too soon. 
 While others lie till nearly noon. 
 
 Who should, by their appointments made, 
 Be out at nine about their trade. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 139 
 
 Now since they ’re all retired to bed 
 (As Shakspeare’s Prince of Denmark said, 
 When on a moralizing theme, 
 
 “ To bed — to sleep — perchance to dream ! ”) 
 We ’ll cease to sketch the race, O Muse : 
 They only will thy song abuse. 
 
 And some of them, thgself no doubt. 
 
 Should they e’er chance to find thee out. 
 Others on reading might declare 
 How true to life thy rhymings were 
 In ev’ry part, save that referring 
 Immediately to their own erring ; 
 
 As there’s no rule without exception. 
 
 Let each one take his own objection ; 
 
 All will be right in sense and song 
 Should not the faults to them belong, 
 
 And just as wrong in ev’ry case 
 Where men can their own portraits trace. 
 
 But ere we part from this vast tribe 
 Of thirty thousand,” we ’ll describe 
 
140 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 The attributes which, when combined, 
 Would make one perfect of its kind : — 
 
 The constitution of Old Parr 
 Is needful o’er all others far. 
 
 If health and station he’d retain. 
 
 And long upon the road ’’ remain. 
 
 His risks are great when class’d together — 
 Exposed to ev’ry kind of weather, 
 
 To sleeping in damp sheets or bed, 
 
 Or into great excesses led. 
 
 A Croesus’ wealth he should command, 
 
 His purse is ever in his hand. 
 
 And hand in it, both night and day. 
 
 To treat his friends, or bills to pay ; 
 
 Beside the drafts which oft are made 
 Upon the same in course of trade 
 By clients,” or their wives, or child. 
 Who beg his mite in language mild 
 In aid of some society, 
 
 A legion in variety : — 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 141 
 
 Church, Protection, Antislavery, 
 League, Dissent, or Antiknavery, 
 Dorcas, Soup, or Missionary, 
 
 Foreign, Home, or Visionary — 
 Sending good men to teach (forsooth, 
 What they all differ in) the Truth / 
 
 Or raise some fund a church to build 
 Altho’ their old one ne’er was fill’d. 
 Or open sittings make — thus do 
 Away with every kind of pew ; 
 
 Or pulpit decorate, or pay 
 
 Some chapel’s debts ; or change away 
 
 An organ which they cannot play . 
 
 But or to buy, or change, or mend, 
 Subscribe he must, or else offend ; 
 Experience tells him he would lose 
 His client should he dare refuse. 
 
 Next his descent direct should be 
 From Job in genealogy. 
 
 That he might thus his ire restrain, 
 When clients without cause complain ; 
 
142 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Or over-night engagements make, 
 
 Which in the morn they mean to break ; 
 Or when (if driving) he should find 
 His horse — the choicest of its kind — 
 
 (This ever was with each the case, 
 Whether in temper, breed, or pace) 
 
 Is lamed in shoeing by a prick — 
 
 The blacksmith’s carelessness — or sick 
 Through ostlers giving him when hot, 
 
 Cold water, though requested not. 
 
 Who, when accused of doing so, 
 
 Will swear he never did it. No ! 
 
 Or when through various towns he ’ll pass, 
 Sans cash or orders (though, alas 1 
 His ledger does the sad truth tell 
 Of buyers large, who pay as well,) 
 
 By hope sustain’d he pushes on 
 To some pet place he’s known so long 
 That both he can depend upon. 
 
 But, after posting half the day, 
 
 One friend he finds is gone away 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 143 
 
 On pleasure for a week^ or ill ; 
 Another, just returned his bill ; 
 
 Or failed, or asking extra time, 
 
 Or seeking some more genial clime. 
 The atmosphere of which he’d find 
 Adapted to his length of wind ” — 
 America, or New South Wales — 
 Whither, lest it should tell some tales 
 Not by his creditors approved. 
 
 He likewise had his stock removed. 
 Or, many other ills I’d name 
 Far worse than horses sick or lame — 
 Acceptances returned not paid, 
 
 Good customers away from trade. 
 
 Or else at home and will not buy 
 Altho’ they might if they ’d but try ; 
 Appointments made, but never kept ; 
 Bad clients who their country left 
 At his expense, for country’s good. 
 Fearing that be expelled they should : 
 
144 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Which he must hear tho’ he’d remove, 
 Also forbear tho’ he’d reprove. 
 
 To Bee and Ant he must apply 
 For perseverance, if he ’d vie 
 With his competitors ; and keep 
 Himself awake while others sleep ; 
 
 That trav’ling through the night he may 
 Forestall them on the following day — 
 Nor must he then e’er seem to tire. 
 
 To gain this end he would require 
 A Philadelphia lawyer’s tact 
 To regulate each word and act, 
 
 Not only that he might compete 
 With rivals he may chance to meet, 
 
 But eke in embryo to stop 
 
 Bad debts from hints which others drop. 
 
 A ready wit he ’ll often find 
 
 Of vast importance when combined 
 
 With temper mild, and judgment sound ; 
 
 A union which tho’ rarely found, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Is very needful to explain 
 Mistakes away, or orders gain. 
 
 Nor must appearance be despised, 
 
 Tho’ dress should not be too much prized 
 But, heedless whatsoe’er his trade. 
 
 Good, neat, it should be, and well made : 
 Not of a cut, whene’er he passes. 
 
 To cause remarks as do those classes 
 Which everywhere are known too well ; 
 Whether it be the heavy swell ! ” 
 
 The coachman ” or the jockey stamp 
 The dandy ! ” or the rakish scamp I ” 
 For one man to another swears 
 A long way off, by what he wears. 
 
 It is Dick so-and-so he knows. 
 
 As no one else would wear such clothes. 
 
 I ’d have him at these trifles look. 
 
 For oft they ’ll fill his order book 
 As soon as any samples would. 
 
 Although they may be cheap and good. 
 
146 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Especially when ladies buy, 
 
 Or merits of the samples try, 
 
 Then let him an Adonis be ; 
 
 His person handsome, graceful, free : 
 
 To Stultz I *d send him for a fit,” 
 
 And where he likes to get his wit ; 
 
 Then for that virtue, self-control, 
 
 By far the greatest of the whole ; 
 
 Or self-denial, which you please, 
 
 I ’d send him to Diogenes, 
 
 That he may thus philosophise, 
 
 And shun the ills which others prize ; 
 
 But which for health must be withstood — 
 I mean choice wines and dainty food. 
 
 And likewise leave companions gay. 
 
 Who ’d have him from his business stay 
 To join them in some pleasure trip — 
 Regatta — race— -or tea to sip ; 
 
 Enjoying some delightful scene. 
 
 Or just make one on bowling-green, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 14 
 
 To form a side,” or play a game 
 At quoits or skittles — any name, 
 
 From billiards down to bagatelle, 
 
 Will suit my Muse, and them as well. 
 Or go to see some pigeon match, 
 
 Or form a party fish to catch 
 With rod and line, as case may be, 
 
 Or in a boat upon the sea ; 
 
 Or on the last-named take a sail ; 
 
 But these must not o’er him prevail : 
 For in each case he time would lose, 
 And his employer’s trust abuse. 
 Beginnings oft determine ends, 
 
 Thus all upon himself depends ; 
 
 If at the outset he ’ll say No ! ” 
 The task will daily easier grow ; 
 
 Till in the end, with greatest ease, 
 
 He ’ll master temptings such as these. 
 But oft, indeed, he ’ll have to war 
 With trials worse than these by far ; 
 
 L 2 
 
148 
 
 TH2 COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Where finer feelings come in play 
 Than any scenes like these pourtray. 
 
 As friend, or lover, son, or brother, 
 
 He must his finest feelings smother ; 
 Take him as friend — tho’ most sincere. 
 Coldest of cold he must appear. 
 
 When ’tis requested he will stay 
 To celebrate a wedding day ; 
 
 Or some such time of general joy 
 As Christ ’ning of a first-born boy, 
 Where he might act as sponsor too, 
 
 All which he much desires to do : 
 
 His inclination prompts him so. 
 
 But duty bids him onward go : 
 
 He thus his heart’s rejoicing checks, 
 
 Or his employer’s trade neglects. 
 
 The plain truth to his friend is told. 
 Who stamps him, calculating, cold. ^ 
 Or when he asks him to renew ” 
 
 His bill just for a month or two, 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 149 
 
 Or some accommodation ” grant 
 Upon the one which is extant, 
 
 He ’s bound, believe me, to refuse. 
 
 Yes ! even if his friend he lose. 
 
 How can the poet justice do 
 In sketching what he must go through ? 
 And what he must resist, if he 
 A lover fond and true should be ; 
 
 Much less in trying to depict 
 His trials as a Benedict. 
 
 Supposing it his lot to hear 
 By letter from his partner dear. 
 
 Their only child is ill in bed ; 
 
 Or by some accident lies dead ; 
 
 Or how another, through a fright. 
 
 Is prematurely brought to light ; 
 
 But all her sufferings, all her grief, 
 Would in his presence find relief. 
 
 She then, in terms I can’t relate. 
 
 Is sure he will not hesitate ; 
 
150 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And thus implores him not to stay, 
 
 But hasten home without delay. 
 
 A non-commercial would suppose 
 That instantly he homeward goes ; 
 
 No ! if he ’d perfect be — he ’ll read, 
 
 Then stoic-like en route proceed ; 
 
 His feelings, heedless how severe. 
 
 Must not with business interfere. 
 
 We will imagine him a lover, 
 
 Who for a day or two doth hover 
 Around the town where ’s resident 
 His loved. True love through management 
 Is equal unto every fate, 
 
 By rising early, working late \ 
 
 For those who love, or even hate. 
 
 Ne’er feel fatigue or suffer pain. 
 
 When in pursuit of that they ’d gain. 
 
 He ’s with her now, and we’ll suppose 
 Their parting hour is near its close ; 
 
 And time just then so rapid flying, 
 
 The minutes seem with seconds vieing ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 151 
 
 Entwined in his farewell embrace, 
 
 With sorrow stamped upon her face. 
 Beseechingly she asks him this, 
 Prefacing it with sweetest kiss. 
 
 (Her words, dear Header, you will know 
 If you were ever station’d so — 
 
 If not, then you must try to guess 
 When I their purport shall express). 
 With look and words she does implore 
 That he ’ll remain for one day more ; 
 
 But no ! he must his feelings smother, 
 Diogenes forestalls the lover ; 
 
 And with his order-book in view. 
 
 He heeds not her endearments true. 
 
 But stoic-like exclaims, Adieu ! 
 
H Muse, I think we have explain'd 
 The attributes to be obtained, 
 Whether in body or in mind. 
 
 If we would perfect Trav’lers find. 
 Thou hast a strenous effort made. 
 
 And grateful am I for thy aid ; 
 
 But I thy sense and song have marr d 
 By having thee thus closely hard; 
 
 Thy notes are getting weak and faint 
 From being held in such restraint ; 
 
 For Poetry, as thou dost know. 
 
 From line to line should freely flow, 
 
 Its rhythm gliding on with ease. 
 
 Or it was never known to please : 
 
 But if its harmony be cramp’d. 
 
 It is, by critics, dogg’rel stamp’d. 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 153 
 
 I fain would offer thee thy choice 
 Of metres, and so suit thy voice ; 
 
 Thus, if eight feet were too short measure, 
 To make it ten or twelve at pleasure. 
 
 But as we’re drawing near the end, 
 
 I prythee still assistance lend ; 
 
 And if thou can’st but warble o’er 
 In this same scale a few lines more ; 
 
 We’ll close our Room,'' and lock the door. 
 Then raise thy drooping head, and sing 
 A tale which I to memory bring ; 
 
 And which together we ’ll transpose : 
 
 It will the sentiments disclose 
 Of others who are pleased to pass 
 Their judgment on our unknown class,” 
 And their opinion freely give. 
 
 Of how a Trav’ler ought to live ; 
 
 And what they think would make him fit 
 In our Commercial Room to sit. 
 
154 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Two lady friends together met, 
 
 But if their object were to net,” 
 
 Or, rug-work do ” — or curtains knit, 
 Or gossip only while they sit ; 
 
 Or else some fav’rite air to play ; 
 
 It is not in my power to say — 
 
 But tongues, and fingers work’d away. 
 The latter working at a purse, 
 
 The former doing nothing worse 
 Than planning how to empty one. 
 
 By having this or that thing done ; 
 
 Or buying some new dress or shawl, 
 
 Or going to some public ball : 
 
 Or talking what their neighbours did, 
 
 In which, of course^ the faults were hid : 
 As who were married, who were dead, 
 Who christen’d, or who put to bed — 
 But of faux-pas y there nought was said. 
 At length the strain of conversation 
 Turn’d on the life and occupation 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 15.5 
 
 Of Travelers and their ways, and what 
 They on their journeys did, and not: 
 An interesting topic this, 
 
 Would doubtless prove to either Miss : 
 For one was by the world presaged 
 To be what ladies call engaged 
 To one whose lot it was to be 
 Upon the road ” commercially. 
 
 In course of converse she declared, 
 From what she ’d ever seen or heard 
 Of virtues much to be admired — 
 
 Or vices which the passions fired — 
 Commercial men, o’er all the rest. 
 
 Of self-control should be possessed : 
 
 Of virtues, ’twas itself a host. 
 
 And of all others needful most. 
 
 Her friend was one who having been 
 On visits to Hotels, had seen 
 And heard from chit-chat in the bar. 
 More than the other thought by far ; 
 
15G 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 And what she did not there behold, 
 
 The landlord’s daughters kindly told ; 
 Who only sketch’d the faults they saw 
 When others characters they ’d draw ; 
 Her knowledge therefore was confined 
 And of a very partial kind. 
 
 Yet she was competent to pass 
 A judgment on the whole ! Alas ! 
 
 Too frequently is this the case ; 
 
 And hosts of men thrown in disgrace. 
 For true, or false, one man’s opinion 
 Oft passes current with the million ; 
 And thousands are condemn’d, because 
 The few have outraged custom’s laws : 
 But to my tale, which we will end 
 With her reply unto her friend. 
 
 Commercial men to stand in need 
 Of virtues was a joke indeed ! 
 
 Virtues, La ! La ! from what she knew, 
 She quite a different judgment drew ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 15 
 
 Him she would king of Trav’lers call 
 Who was possess’d of none at all'' 
 
 The tale is o’er, my Muse fatigued ; 
 
 My calls she will no longer heed ; 
 
 But droops her head beneath her wing 
 Lamenting that she cannot sing ; 
 
 With feeble voice again essays 
 One note of harmony to raise— 
 
 Her object is to crave your mercies 
 For this, her first-born babe of verses, 
 
 In sorrow for your faults conceived. 
 
 In joy brought forth for change perceived ; 
 A change of such importance, too, 
 
 She often doubts if it be true. 
 
 This is an age of reformation 
 In every clime, in every nation ; 
 
 In every grade we daily trace 
 Some vast improvement taking place ; 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Then why should you to change be slow, 
 When all the world ’s progressing so ? 
 My Muse’s aim in bringing forth 
 This child of facts was not its worth, 
 
 But hoping that the infant might 
 Your little foibles show to light ; 
 
 Your faults condemn, your virtues praise 
 By prying into all your ways. 
 
 And by depicting temptings, prove 
 The trying sphere in which you move : 
 Consid’ring where and how you rove, 
 You’re better than the world by far 
 If you as good as others are. 
 
 This fact is clearly proved, because 
 There is a law above all laws 
 The most supreme, which even those 
 Who do the Decalogue oppose 
 And all its ordinances break. 
 
 Will reverence so, they for its sake 
 Kneel publicly and seem to pray 
 They might that Decalogue obey: 
 
THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 159 
 
 A law not in the statutes named, 
 
 Or e’er in council-chambers framed, 
 
 But which mankind so venerates 
 It all their conduct regulates : 
 
 That self-enacted law, called Fear ! 
 
 (Not of their God,) but neighbours near. 
 
 Its influence is often shown 
 
 On some who near their homes are known 
 
 As worthy^ good, and best of men, 
 
 Of jpie^y a specimen ; 
 
 But let these specimens just be 
 From, what will neighbours say? ” quite free, 
 Where they can safely raise their mask — 
 What are they then ? — I fain would ask. 
 
 Will then their object be to vie 
 With others in sobriety 1 
 Now, brethren, you can have no fear 
 Of what your neighbours see or hear. 
 
 Who are those neighbours. I’d inquire, 
 
 Whose fear could check your least desire ? 
 
IGO 
 
 THE COMMERCIAL ROOM. 
 
 Y ou, who are in one town to-day, 
 
 The next a hundred miles away, 
 
 Can only have the Voice within ” 
 To keep you from committing sin. 
 Farewell, dear brethren, and take care 
 You treat my Muse’s offspring fair ; 
 When you its faults discover, pause 
 And pardon for its sacred cause ; 
 
 Do not the chastening rod apply. 
 
 But for its title pass them by ; 
 
 If so, ’tis possible it may 
 A younger brother have some day. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 BBADBOKY AND EVANS, FKINTEBS, WHITKFRIARS. 
 
IP. 
 
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