Nc. 1. 
 
 PRICE ONE SHILLING. 
 
 IRISHMAN’S TOUR 
 
 By W. FLOOD, Esq. 
 
 DUBLIN 
 
 PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR 
 
 Slab JSoI b bg all booksellers. 
 
 1858 . 
 
THE 
 
 IRISHMAN’S TOUR 
 
 OF 
 
 RUIN. 
 
 W. FLOOD, ESQ. 
 
 DUBLIN : 
 
 PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR, 
 
 AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 
 
 1858 . 
 
THE TOUR OF REIN. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Isr a small little village in the South of Ireland resided a family of 
 __the name of Gallons, whose domestic roof sheltered four in number, 
 
 , a mother, father, daughter, and son,' — which son moved in the circles 
 _x!of life under the name of Tom, — a name which cannot compete in 
 \_the numerical line with many of a more favourable tendency in Ireland, 
 ^especially amongst the lower grades of society. This Tom, however, 
 ci was a man of middle stature, and of very muscular nerves and thews, 
 with a dark pensive brow, shooting from under which flashed two dark 
 eyes, the corners of which exhibited a very glistening expression of 
 ~ artifice ; his forehead was high and projecting, presenting that craniolo- 
 ^ gical development, which, according to a phrenological view, indicated 
 a reflective and philosophical mind, and displayed, in the most obvious 
 and striking manner, the bumps of contemplation and discretion ; and 
 so it happened that the supposed organs of thought and passion in the 
 brain quite corresponded with his actions, and were exactly congruous 
 with his thoughts. At this time, he, however, filled the post of a 
 country veterinary surgeon, and was of the greatest utility to the 
 neighbouring gentry ; for no horse was ever bought without 
 having previously passed his discerning eye ; and no opinion was 
 looked up to so mjphi as Tom’s. But time, which is the sad revealer 
 of all things, began to point out unmistakeable signs of falling off as it 
 were creeping into his system, and unhinging his faculties for matters 
 of a weighty consideration ; yet such were his propensities at this time, 
 and so great was the swell of mortal vanity, and the tide of delug- 
 ing bacchanalianism, insomuch that it inundated Tom all over, and 
 drove him upon the perishable sands of this world’s sea, sheltered 
 alone by the few boon companions who, in time of prosperity, when 
 the morning of life is dawning for you, and the sun of life is shining 
 most brilliantly, then bask under the gentle influence of your atmos- 
 phere ; but when becoming icicled, and that the frigid winds set in, 
 
4 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 they then decamp to a more sunny clime. The thorough scoun- 
 drel is incapable of gratitude ; he seems transmuted by the dark 
 alchemy of his own heart ; kindnesses accumulated upon him become 
 injuries. Tom, at this time, was gradually elapsing out of the good 
 opinion of the gentry, who began to look upon him with an eye of 
 pity and contempt, and to read penury inscribed upon his counte- 
 nance. His vestments exhibited signs of distress, and circumstances 
 in general began to weigh heavy with him; however, he held 
 on, owing to the exertions of his sister Peggy, who maintained him 
 by means of her own industry, as a country milliner. But her con- 
 versation and history of Tom seeming worthy of record, I therefore 
 give it to you, Header, as follows : — 
 
 “Will,” said Peggy, “and so Tom bekame well known to iverybody, 
 and his kumpany was kourted by all ; but he got beyont himshilf with 
 concaits, and begun to drink ferociously, and dail in ould horses ; ai, 
 and his advice was much estaimed by the paiple, as he is what is 
 called a known jokky. But the kursed killin’ drink was beginnin’ its 
 plasther of Paris work upon his face, as he luked soft and blouted, and 
 kurquibbles were observed upon his eyebrows, and ripe blossoms upon 
 his cheeks, which would niver bring forth fruit, not havin’ the nour- 
 ishin’ sap at the root ; and the shame blossoms or sparks would niver 
 kindle rightly upon the wick, there not been sufficient of grase to faid 
 it, only that a little guano or artificial sthuff should be forced into its 
 composition, to throw out unnatural blossoms, and make nathur take 
 a false stip. Will, to be shure, my brave Tom got mighty poor and 
 unbekummin’ to luk at, as his ilbows were jumpin’ out of his coat, 
 and his nais were pushin their way out through his britchis, and his 
 toes were paipin’ out through*his shoes, and his hair was observed out 
 through the top of his hat, ai, just resimblin’ a bird’s nist, and his 
 socks had mouths upon thim behind aiqual to young thrushes, and he 
 was all togither dun brown. But one day, as luck would have it, a 
 gintleman very high up, and one whom Tom ofte®rt)efrinded with his 
 advice upon horse flesh, saw Tom, and tould him to kum up to him 
 on the next day. With that Tom called, and the gintleman gave him five 
 pounds, to go and buy a daicent shuit of clothes, and thin to cum up to 
 him athout delay. Tom did so. But I must tell you, Tom at this time 
 was cumpany kaipin’ with the ruf and skruf of the town, and drinkin’ 
 with thim from hand to fist ; and would not turn his back upon a 
 crapper of whiskey, if it was even offered to him by the worst of the 
 bobtails or ragtails of the town. Will, Tom had one qualifying 
 quality in him, and that was good natur’ ; and shure such is not to 
 be wundered at, whin I heard for sartain that he was a half gin tie- 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 5 
 
 man, and I’ll tell yon how : his mother, that is mine too, whin about 
 the unthinkin’ age of seventain, fell in with a grate puff of a gintle- 
 man, who decoyed the kraitur from her home. "Will, this gintleman 
 walked through the fashionable circles of life under the name of Ben- 
 nitt. He was a man of a ruby complexion, and plethoric habit, and 
 of a very apoplectic aspect altogether ; his nick, which seemed from its 
 ^ptundity to come on a similar scale of latitude with his body, was, how- 
 ever, the most dangerous symptom which presented itself. Will, this 
 Allow, by big promises, and grate oaths of justice, threw his decait 
 upon the waik, unproticted famale, who had not sufficient strength 
 to kaip out of the coils of the sarpint, or the paws of the bare. 
 And so Tom was born, and had the kasht of kountenance of father 
 and mother, and kame up to the gintleman, drissed up to the 
 vains of nicety, and he likewise parfumed and scinted from hid to 
 toe, and a wiper hangin’ out of the tail of his coat that would do a 
 body for a shilk apron, or for a color at a sthand-house at a race- 
 kourse. Will, to be shure and to be sartain, the gintleman tould 
 Tom, from his own two lips, to go out to the sthable, and git the bist 
 saddled horse the pramases would affurd. Will, Tom did go, and 
 the gintleman tould him to ride down the town, and to put up at the 
 hotel. Will, Tom likewise did so ; and everybody wundered at the 
 sight, to sai Tom so will dressed, and so grandly mounted, ai on a 
 baist valued one hundred bright sovereigns ; and shure every person 
 would come up to Tom, and pass their bist respicts to him, and say 
 ‘More power, Mr. Tom; you are up in the wurld again, and that 
 you may always sthay so.’ ‘0 yis,’ Tom would say, * twilve fait 
 high again.’ Will, Tom was ordered to ride down the town the 
 nixt day, and put up again at the hotel, and to make the sthones of 
 the yard gingle, with the dash of his silver against them, when 
 payin’ off the ostler. Will, Tom did so; and the whole town, 
 allana machree, was in a regular conflageration, from top to bottom. 
 Nuthin’ was moutled about among the quality but how that Tom was 
 as high as Gilderoi, and had no other dirt about him but riches. Will, 
 anyhow it pierced the lugs, ai aqual to airings, of a Miss Carty, who 
 drew the breath of life next dure to the hotel, and who saw the fire 
 flash from the hails of Tom’s baist; an whin Tom would be showin’ 
 off, she ushed also to hare the singing of his grand cuttin’ whip. 
 Will, this lady lived with her sister, and sported the name ofShophy ; 
 she was a slinder kratur, very gonteel, and had two watteny eyes, 
 and a sunk in forehead ; besides a watterry hand, and a moist foot, 
 all of which bespaiks a waik, narvious state ; and accordin’ to shuch 
 an unthinkin’ mind, and baitin’ hart, sudden frits at nuthen at all, and 
 
6 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 no frits at things of daip gravity and konsideration. Will, she pulled 
 on with *her sister, and gave her nuthin’ for livin’ with her ; and 
 besides she was will larned in all the languages, and fit to kaip cumpany 
 with the hist in the land. She ushed always obsarve one way of 
 livin’, for if she opened her tongue among the ignorant, she would be 
 inshulted by thim, on account of their ignorance, and they not known 
 whin they would inshult a body ; and likewise they takin' eve^y 
 skame to cut at a person, and to tare their failins’, for they bein’ 
 coorse-grained thimshelves, thinks a sharp instrument would not 
 inter the tinder pelt of a larned, respectable body. But anyhow Tom 
 was invited to a snack at Miss Carty’s, and the young lady bein’ 
 decaived by the grate uproar about Tom, and her considerin’ cap 
 bein’ takin’ oif her, she tied herself to the shame lad of a brother of 
 mine, for life, and she had lashins and whips of muney, ai three 
 hundred a yare clare, athout thithe or raint-charge ; for she always 
 lived kunnin’ and savin’ ; and ushed to say this — ‘ I hare, and see, 
 and say nuthin’ ; and I ate, and drink, and pay nuthin’ ;’ so you may 
 be shure she filled Tom’s pockets with the yallow chaps, for she was 
 so narvious that she feared to let a heapenny laive her sight, while, at 
 the shame time she threw herself into the arms of Tom, and surrindered 
 him up her liberty ; andnow he sthicks to the ould rule, that is, to never 
 spare horse-flesh, nither nurse your wife. And, moreover, the same Tom 
 ushed undiscretionable authority over his unurshed wife ; and after shome 
 time he fell into pits of mud, and ugly quagmires, and his karakter 
 was guttured up to the eyes; but, by the marest chance on arth, 
 he ruz an ould garrin of a horse, and, a race bein’ advertised, nothin’ 
 would do my bould Tom but inter his ould, worn-out, spavined garrin. 
 The stakes were a saddle and bridle, and a tarein’ joint of a lig of 
 mutton, just hot from the baist ; and all this was put up to be run for 
 by no horses except farmers’ horses, who likewise were to be ridden 
 by no jokeys except by big pucks of farmers, who gothered togither 
 to run far the stakes. And a quare sight it was? Eourtain started 
 for the race acrass a kourse one mile in lingth, and tin leps into the 
 bargain. Seven of the jokeys of farmers had no saddles, and conse- 
 quently mounted the baists barebacked, and rode for the grand 
 sthakes. The sivin others were bridled and saddled, and well-primed 
 into the bargain. Seven wore their handkerchiefs tied round their 
 heads, and a nait knott on thim behind, for jokey caps, while thother 
 sevin wore their night-caps, not puttin’ thimselves about in buying 
 coloured caps. Will, off they stharted over the mile kourse, which 
 was one side of Belturbet, and aich buiy had a big whottle to stir his 
 baist up with. And to it they wint, and every chap did wield his 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 7 
 
 fierce bludgeon for victory. But anyhow the first haith was won by 
 Tom, altho’ his baist balked several times, and thrun him four times. 
 The second haith was the rail touch, for the blood of the jokey 
 farmers was ruz, and moreover what’s brid and ingindered in the 
 bone, must cum out in the flish. Will, to be shure and to be 
 sartain, off they went, and got on purty paicable, till they arrived at 
 the first lep, and there, allana machree, the work begun ; they all 
 turned tail to the lep, and commenced wattling aich other most un- 
 marcifully. Tom, in the maintime, parcaivin’ the grate scrimmage, 
 and bein’ double-loaded and well primed with the rail sthuf, and 
 havin’ fire in the pan of his eye, and a strake of fire out of the kor- 
 ners of thim aqual to commits, put spurs and whip to his racer, and 
 never cried crack till he raiched the winnin’ post. And thin he was 
 ruz upon min’s shoulders, and chaired for miles round the kourse. 
 The other racers were all this times beltin’ aich other for the bare life ; 
 some had their baists killed under thim, while others had red night- 
 caps in place of white ones, from the rail dint of blood. But I’ll tell 
 you a sthory, and one that I saw with my own two eyes : — 
 
 u *Thero was a nait, clain- skinned, daicint raired kreatur of a girl, 
 who was kourtin one of the jokey s, and was sthufied up to the throttle 
 in luve with him, and fairly kilt draimin’ and thinkin’ of the shame 
 chap. Will to be shure, whin the fight aruz — which was as grate a 
 doin’ as whin Buony crassed the Alps — this kreatur was in the lingth 
 of a sthraw of gettin parralathics, whin she sain her swaitheart handled 
 most unmarcifullv, and herde the roars of the fightin jokeys rise into 
 a regular whirlwind, and swaip through the crowd, aqual to a fairy 
 blast, stirrin’ up all parteis, in orderto bekum fanned by the furnace 
 of its blaze. Will this luve bint girl slung hersilf right apon her 
 bachelor, and in doin so, twilve wattles hopped of her back, and she 
 was fairly kilt, for she was bruised, and scratched, and towrn, and 
 blakined, ai, aqual to a shoe you would be afther polishin’, but sthill 
 she kipt her hoult, and saved the life of her swaitheart by rail sincar- 
 ity and bravoism ; and whin he kum to, he ups and he sais, Upon my 
 stars and garter, I niver sain rail frindship afore till now; and with 
 that, he mounts his racing baist, and puts his darlint one behind him, 
 and gives her a swig of a bottle of whiskey, and takes a pull himself 
 out of the shame agraiable bottle, and gives his baist a drop too, to 
 smuthin down its hair, and thin he lites his pipe, and gigs home in 
 a slang gallop, and is niver sain or herd of as to inter a race kourse 
 agin. His darlint dotins, who cut capers through life, and gostled 
 about under the name of Sally Flannigan, was a slip with small hands 
 and small fait, only for kanybunkles, she had also a paiked nose, and 
 
8 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 round chaiks, and a thither in her way of diskoursin’, which plainly 
 presentid that she had a bitter drop in her kemposition, and a little 
 vinegar in her noggin ; will, she had also two dazzlin’ hartbraking 
 eyes set in her hid, like twcublazin’ sthars, and they'nivir lift the 
 illimints of her hid, except with the purpose of grindin’ into jelly the 
 buiv they would fall upon ; and moreover, a goat with her two eyes 
 would not be long craipin’ for ivy. Will, to be shure and to be sartaii*, 
 this one kourted her bachelor, who kicked through life under the 
 name of Peter Bralligan, who was the first bud of the grate fitin' 
 Bralligans of the County Clare, and likewise first cock of the roost in 
 his own county ; and he was the lad who put the girls in japardy with 
 his sportins and dashins. He was a buiy of middle hoit, and plain 
 bekummin faitures, with the exciption of one big hangin’-out tooth, 
 that a body could aisily air their shirt upon ; he also had a fiery glance 
 in his eyes that bespoke ferocity, and a bad khast betune them also ; 
 he had alsho an unaivin unsittled temper, as was aisy sain from his 
 fitin’ movemints ; and he alsho drank largely, which incraised his divil- 
 mints, and belted consideration out of his raich ontirely, and put his 
 mind on the high horse, whin in reality he was futtin’ it through the 
 gutter and mud, ai, nai daip, and he in full purshuit of the big pich- 
 pit of tormint ; w 7 hin, at the shame time, his mind was laidin’ him to 
 the belief that he was roulin’ in the gulf of plaisure and contintment ; 
 but, betune ourshelves, the ould boy was concailed behind the skrain, 
 kickin’ beautiful burnin’ coals of beauty and pleasure before the same 
 lad’s eyes, and drivin’ the spharks right into his brain, by his own 
 concoctions, and alsho by the helpin’ hand of his collictin’ agint here 
 upon arth, Mr. Whiskey ; — ai, as rousin’ a kumpanion as ever you 
 mixed with, or danced with, or exchanged looks, only that he alw r ays 
 takhes a body short in the latter ind, and puts a body’s fait where 
 their hid ought to be ; and their conscience mighty convanient to his 
 own frind’s locality. Will, anyhow, to be dun’ with the likhes of 
 these, I’ll tell you what tuk place. Mr. Bralligan offered marriage 
 and got houlted to Miss Flannigan, and a merry affair enuf the 
 widdin’ was; cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandmothers and grand- 
 fathers, and luve children, and wild airy blades of slips, tugether with 
 rolicksome frolicksome buiys from the nayborin’ parish were there. 
 Fiddlers, fifers, bagpipers, and flute-players were there. Halligans, 
 Bralligans, Calligans, Malligans, Dowlans, and Nowlans likewise 
 were there ; and the short and long of it was, ivery person that likhed 
 w r ere there. Yit, however, a royal salute of music opened the grand 
 party, which formed thimshelves into a procission. Nixt cums on 
 the wuddin’ brikfast, and aich buiy laid in a mighty daicint supply 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 9 
 
 of the provisions ; and aich girl just barely njbbled for gontility sake, 
 and luked abashed whin she would be stared ^t.. Will, nixt cums on 
 the drink, and the divil a sparpin^paw misured that out, for it was 
 jh»veted out in sthraames, ana was the right short, as it cut all afore 
 it ancfbehind it. Will, whin the buiys and their modesht lasses got 
 full belly hould of the oily drink, they set to dancin’, and knocked 
 the very divil out of the burds. It was there, alana, you would sai 
 a flash of fire from the twelvepenny nails skimin’ your eyebrow, and 
 cuttin’ the very cataract off the pupil of your peeper ; it was there 
 you would sai the thuckers and kurquibbles, and cringlines of the 
 drisses made babyrags of from the hoults of the buiys ; it was there 
 you would sai tai slippers crumbled into dust ; it was there you could 
 fill your basket with hokes and eyes, and pins and strings — all the 
 supphorters of the grand widdin’ drisses. But anyhow the conscience 
 decaivin’ drink began to be hurled about more gallantly from hand to 
 fist, and the illimint began to kindle into a most inflammatory sthate 
 in the buiys and lasses ; and lastly, afore it bruk up a roarin’ thun- 
 derin fight tuk place ; arra, allana, I sain as much hare as would 
 sthuff a saddle fly from one buiy’s hed, ai and troth that was forced 
 from it by the claws of a nait famale, who you would think afore 
 that would not luk cruked at a body, nor that sugar would not milt 
 under the innocent kreatur’s lips ; will thin I sain agin cows’ heds 
 that were brought there for baifsthakes sarve as insthruments for 
 smatherin’ the paiple into the pusses ; and the ind of it is, it was more 
 likhe the faild of battle than anything partainin’ to comfort or happi- 
 ness, and I will niver forgit it as long as I draw breth, for I oftin 
 ushed to wonder afore where all the cross ould womin ushed to cum 
 from. Will, to twisht back to my brave Tom, what do you think 
 but ’The crowd gothered under him agin on he enterin’ his own town, 
 and ruz him and his baist narely skhy high ; but Tom in the skuffle 
 turned upside down, and his animal fill upon him, and krushed his 
 intrails fairly out on the morthial spot ; and besides I must till you, 
 that the sight of him cornin’ through the town put me in mind of John 
 Gilpin when the dogs did bark, the childre skraimed, up flew the 
 windys all, and every kreatur cried out will dun as loud as they could 
 ball. Will, after Tom’s sling gallop through this parplixing and 
 aggravatin’ wurld, his wife tuk his conduct mighty much to heart, for 
 she tumbled into a mo4t bewildered and lamintable sthate — her face 
 turned as yallow as her petticoat, and her lips turned as white as her 
 shlip, and the blood complaitly lift the tops of her toes and her fingers, 
 and aghra she was laminted apon by all the discarnin’ and daicint 
 naybors ; but she gittin’ worse, luked mighty quare ontirely, and thin 
 
10 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 bewitcliid ; notices and suspicions aruz like fairy blasts, and swipt the 
 paiple’s minds and thoughts into the illimints in one blasht ; the 
 witches, therefore, were sint for, and introduced by daicint naybors to 
 hirshilf, but she scofed thim all, and thurned her nose and nostrils into 
 the illimints at thim, and ups and said that she was born under the 
 rainy sthormy planet, and that she would waip and cry till she would 
 die, as that was the luck afore hir, and she hoped paice awaited hir 
 hereafther. But anyhow his wife af'ther a bit kum to, and thurned 
 mighty discarnable and understandable, and likewise sharp in the eye 
 and quick on the tongue, and afther some time she was sain hugger- 
 muggerin’ and cajoulin’ with a naybor who lived hard by, and who 
 Tom luked apon as forty-nine degrais below his rank and braidin’. 
 Will anyhow Tom begun to cock his air and telliscope his eye to the 
 andromartins and flustufications of his wife, and from all he sain he 
 filt sthung by forty nittles, and skaled by 100 gallons of boilin’ wather, 
 for the shame lad of a naybor was always hangin’ and loiterin’ about his 
 house, and whin he would be spoke to upon the subject, and axed 
 what brought him there, he would shay he was lukin’ at the house, 
 lamin’ its construction, in order that some day he could turn arkeytect 
 and earn an honesht livelyhood. Will these suspicions saized hould 
 of Tom’s mind at once, and he begun to think that his wife must have 
 given some encoucagemint to the naybor, for why did he cum there ? 
 Will Tom anyhow saddled his baist, and he wint off in a sling gallop 
 for the market ; but he had not gone two hundred perches till back 
 he cums, but sight or light of the chap of a naybor he could not sai ; 
 will the nixt day he hid himself in a haycock, and nothing was dis- 
 carnable but his too eyes, but it was all to no ushe, he sain nuthin’. 
 Will, sais Tom at lasht, if she was the divil’s aunt she wunt decaive 
 me, for I know she is plannin’ to marry the shame buiy should I slip 
 hoult some of these fine mornings, and I think she is decaitful, there- 
 fore I will thry her up ; so what does my bould Tom do but fill sthone 
 ded, insomuch that there was not a stir out of him, and he whitened his 
 face besides in order to prisint an appairance like a ghost. Will, whin 
 hirshilf sain it, that is Tom’s wife, she luked a little amazed and 
 somewhat put about, but kum to by the interfairance of the naybors, 
 who pulled her about, and poured whiskey down hir swallow, to 
 sthrive to comfort the kraitur in hir daip distriss ; will, afther beam’ 
 traited in the likhe manner, she cum to most wunderfully, and said 
 the bist should be dun, and that he should be buried with all the 
 honors of a gintleman, for why, wasn’t he one ? he was, bekease he 
 kept their kumpany, and was alsho bitter larned, for they axed his 
 advice upon horse-flish, and was guverned and ruled by him. Will, 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 11 
 
 anyhow night kum on, and kuvered the house with its black mantle, 
 but his protindin’ wife was detarmined that too chandles, at laist, 
 should throw, light over his corpse, and show the appairance of daicincy 
 outside anyhow, as was the fashion down in that place, that the corpse 
 should be put betune two doors, and be naitly sittled out with his 
 snow white shait upon him. Will, hirshilf was sailed upon a chair 
 nixt to hir did husband, whin what kums boulin’ into the house but a 
 gintleman, and his gun, and his buiy, who got benighted, and sain 
 the light, and pushed strait forward for the house. Will, they 
 intered, and hirshilf ruz up to do hir rispicts to thim, and to bid thim 
 a harty wilcome, and to till thim to be saited, whin the gintleman 
 thurns about and said he felt much obliged for her kindness and 
 respect. 
 
 “ ‘But what did your- husband die of?’ sais the gintleman. 
 
 “ ‘Will, to be open with you at once, masther, he died of jillosy 
 and cractness.’ 
 
 “ Will, afther the gintleman and his buiy were saited some time, she 
 tould thim she wanted to go out to a naybor’ s house for a daicent 
 buiy to kum in and join the wake. Will, the gintlemen said he felted 
 happy in staying, and shure enuff, hirshilf had not bain long out whin 
 the ded man stirr’d a bit, and the gintleman’ s buiy immediately per- 
 caived it, and scraiched out, ‘ Masther, the ded man is risin’, we are 
 all kilt by the law ; murder and robbery ; what will bekum of us.’ 
 Will, he luked agin, and the ded man ruz complaitly up ; whin the 
 buiy sain that, he fill right into a sthump, stone ded. The gintleman 
 himshilf, havin’ sain it, bekum grately frikened and agytated, and 
 leped for his gun, and saized it ; the ded man then ruz ontirely, and 
 the gintleman cocked his paice and tould him to sthand back or elshe 
 he would blow the contints of what was in the paice into him, or 
 down his throttle. ‘ 0 be aisy,’ sais the ded man, ‘ I am not ded at 
 all, it was only pretince.’ Will, afther sum time both kum too, and 
 the ded man ups an tills the gintleman that that was the only plan he 
 had in order to catch his wife spaikin’ to the naybor who lived nixt 
 him, and who was always about his house, and pimpin’ into his con- 
 carns. ‘ Will,’ sais the gintleman, ‘ what is to be dun ?’ ‘ Why, I 
 
 will till you in a jiffey,’ sais Tom, the ded man; ‘ I will lye down 
 agin, pretindin to be ded, and let you kaip a hard chaik, and you will 
 find that she — that is, my wife — will kum trotting back with that 
 naybor that she is so much spoken of, and that they will go and plan 
 into a room about gittin’ married, afore she thinks I am kould in the 
 grave; but I will taich her otherwise.’ Will, afther sum time she 
 cums in, escorted by the naybor, whose heart seem to heave heavily, 
 
12 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 and whose nerves seemed to flutter at the affliction, which cast its dis- 
 mal mantle and direful aspect over the house of the bereaved one. This 
 naybor — or I should rather say, enemy, because his feelings never had 
 been on a fraternal bearing with the late deceased — they were always 
 alienated on account of that green-eyed monster, who seemed to cling 
 about the threshold of connubial bliss, and to peep through the eluded 
 bowers of matrimony, projecting in his gaze the shadow of suspicion 
 and jealousy which haunted the feverish brain of Tom. This person 
 moved in the useful circles of life under the name of Tim Deegan. 
 He was a man of middle height, and well-set features, but of a suavity 
 of manner that was too melliferous to be wholesome, and of that 
 glassy surface which speaks of a dangerous depth and a muddy under- 
 current. "Will, to be shure and to be sartain, hirshilf saited hirshilf 
 down afore the gintleman, and the buiy of a naybor luked abashed 
 and shy for a while, till he gothered pluck and concait from a few 
 rousin’ tumblers of the rail short, the pure cuttin’ sthuff ; he thin 
 shuk himshilf, crew, ruffled his fithers and picked the ground for rail 
 divilmint, and thurned a comb upon himshilf as red as a blazin’ 
 commit, and what do yuz thinks but he had the bouldness and 
 affruntry to ax the daicint, unoffendin’, sportin’ gintleman as to who 
 he was, and where he was from, and what he lived upon, and what 
 was he about, and did he hould much land, and who was his father, 
 and what was his way of thinkin’. ‘ Will,’ says the daicint gintle- 
 man, ‘ am I to give you a complaite histhory of my life ; and, more- 
 over, my way of thinkin’ is this, that you are an inquisitive fellow, 
 and nuthin’ short of what your prism t appairance bespaiks you.’ ‘ 0 
 be aisy, my fine fellow,’ sais he, ‘ is it bekease you have a gun you 
 are so bould and sthout upon the tongue ?’ 1 No,’ sais the gintleman, 
 ‘ but I dunt like your luk.’ 1 0, if that is all, my brave gintleman, 
 blatter Jack Walsh to you, if I was combed and scalded I would throw 
 up as fine colours as you, ai every bit.’ ‘ Will,’ says the gintleman, 1 1 
 wish to hould no more diskourse with you.’ ‘Will,’ sais the 
 naybor, * be it so,’ and with that hirshilf, that is, Tom’s wife, said 
 .she filt tired, and would go into the nixt room to konsider over her 
 affairs, and to lamint in silance over the dare man just departed. 
 Will, she had not been gone long whin my lad of a naybor said he 
 should go also, to krenaun, and pacify, and conshole with the poor 
 hart-broken woman. Will, afther the departure of both, what does 
 my live ded man do but rizes immediately, and when he ruz the 
 young buiy belongin’ to the gintleman fill again as ded as a dure nail 
 into a big sthump, and switted and paspired most tremindiously, and 
 gasped by degrais for the bare life. Will, the upshot of it was, that 
 
THE TOtfE OP EUIK. 
 
 13 
 
 the ded man aruz, as I said afore, and saizing a big notty blackthorn 
 that was up the chimney, grazed, he sphit, ai, tin times upon his 
 fhist, and curled the dangerous wippon twinty times round his hed, 
 and handid one candle to the gintleman to hould, and at the shame 
 time whispered into his airs that for him to fight alsho like the divil, 
 with the butt ind of his gun, for if they were overcome, and had to 
 bait a retrait, they would be surely kilt and murdered. Will, afther 
 the ded man givin’ that paice of advice and information, he boulted 
 right into the room, and the blackthorn cuttin’ most samycircular 
 motions in his fhist. Will, what did he thurn his two eyes apon, but 
 his wife and the naybor in daip and airnist chat, and she saited upon 
 his nais, and her arm fouldid round his nick, and the two for all the 
 world likhe man and wife. * Will, now for it/ sais the ded man, and 
 whit one blow he laid the two as flat as pancakes and as mute as 
 mice, for they thinked that all the divils in hill had aruz, or that, on 
 the other hand, that it was a complaite resurrection, to sai my boy 
 of a ded man whalin’ away, and not a flidget upon him but a windin’ 
 sheet. Will, afther the awful toxication been over thim, and that the 
 hivy blows begun to bring back their scattered sinsis, the two ruz, 
 and laid upon the ded man most unmercifully, and would have got 
 the bitter of him only that the gintleman droped the chandle and lay 
 to with the butt ind of his fowlin’ paice apon thim, and bedad livelled 
 thim as fhast as they got up, for no sooner were they on their fait 
 than they were down agin. Well, anyhow, hirshilf, as if the baitin’, 
 like bull baitin’, had madehir more tinder and shuple, she craips from 
 under the table, and olf she canters, and never cried crack till she 
 was miles afar off. Will, himshilf — that is, the naybor — slinked out 
 after her, and where the wint nobody iver knew, but a trace of either, 
 up to this day, has niver bain diskuvered or hard of.” 
 
 Tom, therefore, feeling himself quite at liberty as to the dis- 
 posal of his hand and heart, determined to seek out some Yenus 
 whom he could centre his affections upon. In accordance with 
 this very romantic idea, he pitched upon one who moved through life 
 under the appellation of Nancy Sullivan; one who, in every sense of the 
 word, inherited that instinct, tact, and knowledge which is so charac- 
 teristic of women, and which plants in them that sedativeness which is so 
 essential to the amelioration of man’s circumstances, and of such utility 
 to his domestic arrangements and conjugal bliss, but Nancy seemed 
 to thrall the captive youth by the lambent glories of her destructive 
 gleam, and to manacle him within the precincts of her feminine love- 
 liness, and within the domain of her female virtue ; for she sported 
 those raven tresses which were interspersed over her swan-like neck, 
 
14 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 and those dark flashing eyes, which regularly shot a -volley upon the 
 victim of her vulnerating powers, and which seemed as beacons solely 
 to light to heaven, — potent in their sparkling brilliancy, and playful 
 in delicate tenderness. All these fascinations seemed to operate upon 
 the fierce emotions of Tom, and to kindle raging fires within his 
 human breast, which never could be extinguished except by the docile 
 breath and attractive gentleness of mind, which is woman’s best and 
 happiest privilege. Tom, therefore, having at command a tribe of 
 first and second cousins, which were scattered all over the country, 
 and were also of a very martial nature, imbibing such from the present 
 excitement of the times, and likewise being of the greatest utility as 
 auxiliaries in matrimonial matters ; he therefore left no stone unturned 
 in order to leap more deeply into her affections ; his presence was 
 always at her command, when required ; his sage counsel was admi- 
 nistered at intervals, when he conjectured it would take a wholesome 
 effect. His martial descent was brought likewise on the tapis, for the 
 purpose of conveying to her mind the sanguine contests his ancestors 
 engaged in, and the accumulation of trouble they bore for their coun- 
 try ; and also the large factions they had at their command, the traces 
 of which were visible up to the present day, and crowned his head 
 with laurels when he brought into reminiscence their chivalrous acts 
 of bygone days. Nancy, however, although much captured by the 
 rehearsal of Tom’s warlike strains, yet conceived an idea that it would 
 be ruinous to enter into a matrimonial engagement with one whom 
 she looked upon to be mantled over with the deepest penury ; and 
 that marriage was so interwoven with worldly affairs that it required 
 the most profound consideration. The necessity of reflection before 
 engaging in so important a contract as that of marriage is quite 
 evident, and yet how many most expeditiously tie the knot for life 
 without at all considering the consequences, and then, when it is too 
 late, bitterly repent of their temerity and thoughtlessness. 
 
 In the interim, Tom seemed to throw overboard all philosophical 
 dictations, and to firmly adhere to the one thing most needful, and 
 such was her hand and heart. Nancy, however, having weighed 
 matters well in her mind, was determined to give a refusal to Tom’s 
 proposal, let what would accrue; consequently, she told him that 
 circumstances tended to their disadvantage, and that he must look out 
 in life for one more worthy of his hand and heart than what she was. 
 
 Tom, on receiving a final damper to all his expectations, resolved 
 on setting out for the city, in order that the gay fashionables and 
 bustling noise, which seems to be the life of such a place, may relieve 
 his mind of the accumulation of distracting thoughts, which at inter- 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 15 
 
 vals seemed to be gnawing him to the heart, and nearly to be extin- 
 guishing that vital spark which seemed to ignite for his JSTancy alone. 
 But, alas ! Tom was bitterly deceived ; for her image haunted him 
 wheresoever he went, and, during times, in his lupideous perambu- 
 lations, he would start, as if she presented herself before him, and 
 whispered into his ear — hope on, hope still, hope on for ever ! But, 
 however, it was during one of Tom’s vesper perambulations that 
 reality supplied the place of imagination ; for, lo and behold you, 
 there stood his Nancy, equipped in all the splendour of feminine love- 
 liness, manifestly demonstrating to the world that natural rural 
 complexion which all the paintings and decorations of mankind cannot 
 compete with, nor cast the slightest tinge of artificial decoration on a 
 similarity with nature’s pure refreshing dews. Tom, on first casting 
 his eyes on all which appeared most dear to him upon this earth, felt 
 a thrilling sensation seize him, and a vivifying of those nerves which 
 heretofore were relaxed. His Nancy was his alpha and omega, — the 
 first thing which entered into his reminiscence at his aurora rising, and 
 the last thing which entered his feverish brain previous to his somni- 
 ferous repose ; still Nancy was the same — as adhesive as ever to her 
 word, although wavering a little betimes on account of a diminution 
 of bachelors, and being well aware that, should all fail, that then Tom 
 might serve for what the Irish call a daicent reswrve. And to com- 
 pletely throw him overboard seemed, in her eyes, not to be very 
 philosophical, but to keep him suspended by a fibre of hope seemed to 
 be her chief aim and most hearty desire, never for one moment calcu- 
 lating on the feelings of one so deeply smitten in love. Tom, however, 
 having put Jiis machinations into an operative manner, found out the 
 address of his Nancy, and the next day, at the usual visiting hour, 
 he paid his avocation at her house, and there feasted his love in bring- 
 ing to light his bygone days of happiness, when he basked under the 
 sunshine of his Nancy’s smiles, and appeased his obstreperous love on 
 her rosy cheeks, extracting from them that refreshing and salutary 
 dew, which is alone sufficient to pacify the love of an ardent admirer, 
 and to cast a rainbow of felicity throughout his terrestrial mansion, 
 and to subside and annihilate these dubious and enthusiastic feelings, 
 which alone become conquered in the atmosphere of the smiles of her 
 who lives to be adored and dies to be regretted. Tom, however, 
 being so much tossed about by the heart-rending smiles of his 
 Yenus, was determined to strike a plan which might produce a 
 most salutary effect, and strike her imagination with a trepidity 
 which would at once make her succumb to his desires ; consequently 
 Tom got regularly meshed up into a tribe of first and second cousins, 
 
16 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 which were likewise fully aware of his ardent love for his Nancy, 
 and also cognizant that he would not procrastinate any scheme or con- 
 trivance which would compel her to be his. Tom, in the interim, 
 kept a strict vigilance over the motions of his fair one, and by no 
 means relaxed his energy in finding out her favourite walks, one of 
 which appeared to be along the quays of Dublin, and it was during 
 one of these ventilating strolls that Tom’s ocular vision seemed to be 
 caught, and transfixed to the spot by the approach of his enamoured 
 one, who seemed to be tripping it most lightly on the gay fantastic 
 toe, and spouting forth in true cantatrice style some of her amorous 
 outpourings of bygone- days, which were most tangible and efficacious 
 in taking deep seat in his heart. Her approach drawing nigh, 
 Tom thought a most favourable opportunity presented itself to 
 his view of regularly getting initiated into her good graces, and 
 stamping his ignitible love for her, and for ever leaving an im- 
 pression on her mind, that should she not yield to his desires, death 
 must inevitably take possession of him and sever that affection for ever, 
 and cast motionless that heart which pulsates for her alone, and 
 lacerate those nerves which seemed wound up with vigour and energy, 
 in order to seek for her a diurnal maintenance. Tom, having thrown 
 off all his weighty garments, and having robed himself in the most 
 lightsome attire which could be procured, determined to take an 
 aqueous plunge in the Liffey, in order to drown for ever that 
 inflammatory burst of love which at intervals seemed to be consuming 
 his early prime, and to be drawing him nigh to that last of all 
 coveted abodes ; consequently, Tom at the onset made a fierce run for 
 the Liffey, but was stopped in his impetuous career by the tribe of 
 cousins, some of whom being of the female line, clung firmly in 
 the tail of his coat, while others wound their arms around his 
 waist, and uttered yells of so terrific a nature as to astound 
 some of the passers by, who, when drawing nigh, were much 
 amazed at the scuffle which ensued; there were visible also to 
 the eyes of the spectators lacerated shifts, tattered slips, rageddy 
 gowns, heaps of dishevelled hair, sporting long tortoisehell and super- 
 annuated bonnets, well pegged with artificial flowers, all of which 
 were strewn about, well top-dressed with a sprinkling of bran, which 
 also likewise served to trace the victorious heroines to their tranquil 
 abodes ; all these novel and picturesque sights drew the attention of 
 many who were eagerly engaged in pursuit of their diurnal business, 
 and who likewise lent a hand in restraining the fierce impetuosity of 
 the ardent lothario, who struggled most vehemently to elapse out of 
 their manual grasps ; but all his serpentine motions were of no utility 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 17 
 
 whatsoever, the tribe of cousins by this time had had their claws 
 firmly imbedded in him, and were determined that the skin of his 
 back should serve him for a nightcap, by drawing it over his head, 
 ere they should loose their well ingrafted holts. Tom by this time be- 
 coming relaxed in the nerves, and quite enervated from the severe 
 claw-laniating that he underwent, resolved on surrendering up his body 
 to the inflammatory desires of the cousins, whose sanguine expectations 
 now became realized by the possession of his corpus. But while beiug 
 finally captured his amorous blood became again ignited, and he 
 broke loose, determined on a second aquatic plunge ; the cousins, 
 therefore, seeing his undeviating resolution, and taking it for granted 
 that nothing would pacify the true Irish blood of a Gallon, or calm 
 that invincible love he bore for his Haney, but a submersion in the 
 deep bed of the Litfey, or instant death, were determined to let him 
 take his fling, let the consequence be what it would. Tom, therefore, 
 rushed again for the river most eagerly in pursuit of a resting place 
 which would drown all his cares, and for ever obliterate from his 
 ocular vision the slightest vestige of his angelic Haney, as while 
 on this terrestrial sphere he seemed regularly haunted with her 
 image, and maddened when bringing to his reminiscence those raven 
 tresses which were scattered over her swanlike neck, and which 
 completed beauty’s form. Tom being exempt now from any amicable 
 restraints, arrived at the brink of the river, having in the rush made 
 flitters of all his garments, but paused for awhile previous to embarking 
 in so fatal a speculation ; the spectators now became doubly amazed 
 at the serenity which seized Tom when left to himself, and also with 
 what tranquillity he pursued his journey home, to brood over that 
 mental perturbation which heretofore captured him, and was near 
 extinguishing that vital spark, which at the sight of his Haney used to 
 be excited into a general conflagration; and believing his own case to be 
 on a similarity with the Latin phrase, Parva scintilla contempta excitat 
 magnam incendiam. Haney, however, having learned from various 
 neighbours, who rushed into her lodgings, that Tom was kilt and 
 drowned all on her account, and that the poor boy could not do other- 
 wise, for that he was regularly over hidd and ears in luve, and cract 
 into the bargain, and that the same chap was so blind with it that 
 he did not know night from day, and was as ignorant of happiness 
 as Hid Flyn’s big puck goat was of polkea dancing, or Betty Heale’s 
 chatterin’ gander of classical knowledge, and that she ought to be 
 abashed at hersilf for laiding him to his ind by throwing luve signs at 
 him, and braking his poor hart ontirely with kindness, and parching 
 up his poor soul with a burnin’ luve that could be only quinchid by 
 
 c 
 
18 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 the big water in the river Liffey ; so now take your turn, ma’m, poor 
 Tom is did and kilt, luve split his brain clain and kliver in two, and 
 thin run him down under the water, and now he is as did as a duck, 
 and as spaickless as a magpy ; and weren’t you a bould, brazen 
 strap of a little girl to bring such a load of trouble upon the hids of 
 the breed of the Gallons, daicint raired kreatures that niver hurt a 
 spharrow excipt whin the drop would get stirred up in their pouches, 
 and ruz to their hids, and thin, small blame to thim, shure their blood 
 would be up and kindled, and an unlucky rogue he would be who 
 ■would thin fall into their fiery grips — you may be sartain he was 
 not born under the lucky planet, nither recaived his muther’s blessin’ 
 afore he was pushed out apon the world, but was dilt upon by ould 
 bewitched divils of women, and cards cut upon him, and tai spilt 
 upon him, and the dregs of the cups read, and it writtin in bekummin 
 and beautiful language, that he would have Grasses afore him, and 
 nittles behind him, and thistles in his nightcap, and briars in his 
 socks, and the divil knows what in the pockett in his shirt, chilblains 
 on his toes, and the divil aitin’ the intrails out of him every day in 
 the yaire, ai and evin the nails of his fingers pisoned like the blacks. 
 
 Nancy having received a satiety of news concerning the departure 
 from this transient abode of her Tom, and being deeply grieved that 
 she should be the occasion of so direful a catastrophe, gave vent to her 
 feelings in a flood of tears, and issuing out from her mansion, in order 
 to elucidate to the citizens a true Irish scene, she at once threw her- 
 self on her back in the most conspicuous part of the street, and there 
 kicked up a scene which baffles all description : she dragged her 
 darkened tresses in handfuls from her head, she bit her arms most 
 frightfully, she laid sanguine marks of her nails upon her heretofore 
 serene countenance, and she uttered screeches and yells of murder and 
 robbery which were audible for miles in the city, and which drew 
 the attention of the police at once, who raised her with the greatest 
 gentleness, and laid her reclining against the hall-door of a house, 
 the proprietor of which came out and administered water, but to no 
 effect — she had, as the Irish say, fallen in a sthump, and remained 
 motionless, and as it required something of a more stimulating nature 
 to bring her to, consequently whiskey, that all-potent and effective 
 cure, was given to her, and no sooner had it entered her mouth than 
 she at once seemed cognizant of her ancient friend and auxiliary, who 
 at once elevated her from her very prostrate position, and placed her 
 in quite a perpendicular attitude, and also awakened a sense of sub- 
 limity in her very dejected countenance, which had undergone a 
 variety of changes from her late bewildered state ; she however pro- 
 
THE TOUK OF RUIN. 
 
 19 
 
 gressed most favourably, and was able to be once more upon her sup- 
 porters, when led gradatim , and when her faculties were restored to 
 her, she was much thunderstruck at hearing of the severe agony she 
 underwent, and the accumulation of trouble she seemed to bring upon 
 herself. But, believing in the Latin phrase, nemo mortalium sapit 
 omnibus Tioris, she had to content herself with her present position. 
 Tom, however, having become quite convalescent from the mauling 
 that he had received from the hands of his cousins, was determined, 
 if such did not prove efficacious, that he would forthwith abandon 
 all hopes of ever being able to win the affections of his Nancy, who 
 was at this time fully aware of his most fervent attachment ; whereas 
 he was ready to suffer death for her sake, being nearly immo- 
 lated at the shrine of his passion, and victimized at the gates of 
 her loveliness. Tom, in the interim, looked high and low for his Yenus, 
 but all proved ineffectual — the bird had flown, and sought for repose 
 amidst the stormy billows of this world’s sea — she had domesticated 
 herself in some terrestrial paradise, where the frantic notions of man 
 could never enter, she got secluded up in the mansion where first her 
 strength failed her, and became an Abigail to the said proprietor ; 
 consequently, having become immured within the precincts of this 
 nun-like habitation, she seemed scarcely able to exist, but at the same 
 time eluded human gaze, as the sight of such compelled her to take a 
 retrospect of affairs, and would strike her vision with a dim atmos- 
 phere, clothing her path with wretchedness, and revivifying in her 
 those feelings which a woman only knows. Tom at this time being 
 blunted in all his prospects, and deadened in his feelings from a con- 
 stant round of disappointments, resolved on breaking new ground in 
 search of some female enchantress ; consequently he set out for Eng- 
 land, and arrived in Manchester about the month of August, when 
 everything appeared most tangible to his mind, the aviary inhabitants 
 warbling their sweet notes seemed to recall to his memory the days in 
 which his own dear little Irish cantatrice moved his ossified heart by 
 the pathos of her sweet melodies, and cast a brilliant ray of sunshine 
 throughout his paths, paving his future prospects with the hope of 
 success, and mantling his sojourning here below with a crown of 
 eternal happiness, anticipating a career of unmolested bliss amidst the 
 struggles and toils of this transient abode. Such very pleasing reflec- 
 tions seemed to hover round the head of Tom whilst traversing New 
 England ; and when constantly in harvest operations he would often 
 stand still in deep contemplation, as if his conscience was smiting 
 him for being the perpetrator of some cadaverous crime, or nefarious 
 deed, that was visited with deep remorse, and haunted his mind 
 
20 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 daring his diurnal toil. Tom, however, could never feel that 
 soothing effect of love, neither that contentment of mind which 
 was requisite to make him bear up against the day’s toil; English 
 manners and English customs were quite unpalatable to him; he 
 perceived a rigidity in their style that did not at all comply with 
 his wishes or correspond with his actions ; the absence of home also 
 dwelt heavily with him. Erin’s verdant fields now presented a most 
 enviable luxury to his mind; her symmetrically formed and ruby 
 complexioned daughters were constantly haunting his brain. The 
 fields which marked the footprints of his boyish days never left his 
 reminiscence, but conveyed to his palpitating heart bygone days of 
 happiness and quietude, when everything beamed before his eyes with 
 that sportive playfulness and jocund burlesque which is so captivating 
 to the eyes of a boy, and so characteristic of their feelings. But now, 
 alas ! the picture is reversed ; Tom being housed in England must do 
 as England does. His most favourite fomenting drink, called whiskey, 
 is* quite incognito to the English, its place is supplied by a liquid called 
 stout ; his soiree battles and lengthened courtships are likewise un- 
 known ; his love-like suicidal movements are also cast into the shade, 
 and Tom after some time thinks that he is let down into the land of 
 dreams, that happiness has ceased to flow fok him, and that he has 
 become stagnant in the pool of adversity, Tom, in the interim, per- 
 ceiving his employment, which was that of an operative, to be of a 
 lucrative nature, firmly adhered to it, in order to lay up some pecu- 
 niary means, to enable him to make a suitable selection in life for 
 himself. He, however, continued his diurnal toil with the greatest of 
 perseverance and steadiness, but never could arrive at a competency, 
 in order to carry his design into execution ; therefore machinations 
 were the only means by which he could ever arrive at what he con- 
 sidered ought to be the chief aim and object of every human being 
 upon this earth, and the chief stream of happiness to all their terres- 
 trial solaces ; consequently, it was during work one day in the fields, 
 when Tom very accurately observed a gent of very stately demeanour 
 approach him, and on his drawing nigh he inquired of Tom, did he 
 know of any one in the work that would be likely to answer for a 
 gamekeeper, that he was in much want of one, as people were con- 
 stantly in the habit of poaching on his preserves and making inroads 
 on vast parts of his territories, and to put a barrier to such was his 
 chief intent. Tom all this time remained in a most taciturn state, 
 and weighed well in his mind the vast advantage such a post 
 would be to him ; for, in the first instance, he was exceedingly fond of 
 pugilistic manoeuvres, and also by no means deficient in projecting 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 21 
 
 missiles of a preponderous nature, should his combatants have a thirst 
 for such a native amusement ; he also knew that he would be supplied 
 •with a gun and ammunition, and where then is the one that dare stir 
 up his Hibernian blood, or poach upon his preserves. Tom, however, 
 in reply to the gent’s question, assured him that he did not know of 
 one who would be likely to answer him, but that if he would give 
 him a trial, he would find that matters would go on very satisfactory, 
 and that as the situation required a person sometimes to put their 
 strength into execution, nothing in the world would give him greater 
 pleasure than accepting it; for he considered manual exercise the 
 highest accomplishment that man could possess, and besides an 
 amusement of no everj^ day occurrence, especially in England. 
 
 The gent at first seemed very much pleased with the frank manner 
 of Tom, and considered his levity of conversation quite apropos of his 
 race ; but having replied in the affirmative to many questions that 
 Tom put to him, it causeth a placidness in Tom’s manner, but at the 
 same time did not give him that satisfaction that he required, for this 
 gent, who moved through the fashionable circles of life under the ap- 
 pellation of Erank Maguire, was a person of a fine graceful figure, 
 with that distingue appearance which at once indicated that he had 
 sprung from noble blood, and had none of the would-be gent about 
 him, but was a luminary in the zenith of his professional glory, and 
 blazed forth in the front ranks of aristocracy. He also had a deformity 
 in the posterior part of his mouth, that is the soft palate, which con- 
 sists of a membranous curtain of muscular and cellular tissue, and 
 which defect gave him a nasal intonation, which displayed to the 
 greatest of disadvantage his vocal strain, making his articulation be- 
 times quite incomprehensible, and entirely out of the reach of human 
 intellect, insomuch that his responses to Tom seemed sometimes as a 
 rehearsal of some foreign language, or what is called in Ireland bog- 
 Latin. This Mr. Maguire was by profession an attorney, and ap- 
 peared to be much taken by a particular trait in Tom’s character, 
 which was quite conspicuous to him, and which caused him at once to 
 enlist Tom in his service. It appears at this time Mr. Maguire had a 
 plaint in his possession which he over and over tried to get served 
 upon a magistrate who lived quite adjacent to him, but all his attempts 
 proved ineffectual ; at last, taking Tom to be a most rare genius, he 
 put it into his hands. Tom, therefore, set out on his most dangerous 
 adventure, and I will rehearse to you his success as given by his 
 sister Peggy, which ran thus : — 
 
 “There was a justice of paice — they are called magystrates by the 
 quolity — and he lived hard by to Tom and his masther. Will, this 
 
22 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 justice carriaged through life under the call of Lawrence O’Neill, a 
 fine sthrappin’ fillow, will put togithir, with tight will-shaped calves, 
 middle hoit, a smirkin’ eye, and a dandy countenance. Will, this 
 justice owed a mighty thunderin’ sum of munney, and intindid niver 
 to pay a jiffey of it, as the hist mains to kaip up his istablishmint apon 
 a daicint footin’, altho’ he had slatherins of munney to pay the debt, 
 hut betune ourshelves he was an arrant skaimer. Will, anyhow, the 
 atturney, Tom’s masther, was a man of braidin’, but his appairanee 
 ran thus — he had a hard krusthy forehead, that ushed to chip at the 
 smill of could winther ; he had a will-saisoned conscience, particularly 
 in drawing up bills of chosts ; he had two eyes and two airs, and could 
 see and hare viry will, espicially whin a body would ax his advice, 
 and he had a parchment hart that was so thick that you could scarcely 
 write moderation apon it at this time. Will, for a sartainty this attur- 
 ney had the lattytat, or complaint, as the loyers call it, aginst this 
 magystrate, and could git no parson to sarve him, on account of four big 
 whalin’ Terrialts of min who garded thejustice’s house and domain from 
 the pushins and forcins of bailiffs. Will, whin all failed, the attur- 
 ney, who Tom thought was an airy gintleman, called upon him, and 
 ups and tould him the whole story, which Tom cocked his air to, and 
 whin the atturney was dun spaikin’ he said, 4 Now I have you, and as 
 shure as the woman said that those that have cattle must be loosin’ 
 some, when she lhost her goat, I will git into the justice’s house.’ 
 Will Tom, you know, as I will give you a lilt at his karactur 
 at this time, accordin to my view, and you know nothin’ baits it 
 now-a-days, was pritfy will baitin and sobered down from car- 
 cumsthances, and he had a kunnin’ appairanee and a kool man- 
 ner, which made him whalk into a body’s affairs all at once, he 
 had alsho a wide mouth which ushed to swallow every sintince in 
 a mouthful. Will, anyhow, he was luked apon by this atturney as a 
 mighty coxcomical janius, and a pickerin’ conniver on a dangerous 
 exploit. Will, my brave Tom was handid the latytatt, and what do 
 you think does he do, but he goes mighty convaynient to the polise 
 barraks, and gits behind an ould wall, and bores a hole in it, detar- 
 mined to have a paip, and what did he obsarve ? I’ll tell you. He 
 sain an ould hag in the barrack room, named Ginny O’Keefe, and 
 polise jabout her, for she was their sarvant attindance, and she tossing 
 cups, and say in’ she sain carriages, and cars, and postillions, and a 
 beautiful lady drissed in shilks and satins, and dicked in jewels and 
 diamonds, and top nots of gould upon her, and the divil knows what, 
 kummin’ as fasht as her ligs could carry her, ai and fasther, for one of 
 the polise, and that it was to be, and that supphosin’ he hided in the black 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 23 
 
 whole, it was no nshe, for he would be luged out and go through his dis- 
 tiny. Will, this ould hag sat foreninstone of the polise, at the sunny side 
 of an ould taipot, and she did puff thalk out of her like staim out of 
 an ingine, and shometimes she would sthop her chat, and shay that 
 she was no mushroom lady, and that she did not kum into the world 
 yisterday, nither was she brought out under a duck ; at thother times 
 she would whistle prate out of her that would rise the tatch of a far- 
 mer’s house, hut anyhow ginerally spaikin’ she always had a hum up 
 just aqual in sound as if all the kittles in Ireland were singing to wet 
 the tais. But anyhow Tom eyed all in the barraks, and poped his 
 hid above the wall, thin ducked it agin, pops agin, and ducks agin. 
 Will, the polise thin sain him, and clusthered to conshult on his sus- 
 picious appairance, as Paip-of-day Boys, and Molly Maguires, and 
 Terryalts, were movin’ about the chountry as thick as midges, and 
 thaken a sthray shot at an old poliseman, and shometimes baggin’ 
 their game, and other times only wingin’ thim, and always on the 
 have a care, affeard they would be sain or informed of ; at other times 
 they are obsarved shootin’ paicable landlords, and improvin’ risin’ 
 agints, and at other times haulin’ a slip from the ash corner, and from 
 the hails of her ould mother, far away to their own rendevous, and she 
 bittin’ and skraubbin’ for the bare life. But raider you musht know 
 that a kraitur stritched ful lint upon a joultin’ car, and the back of her 
 pole bobbin’ aginst one of the lats, to kaip time with the movements 
 of the hannimal, and two straw ropes acrass her ligs, and two more 
 fastners acrass her arms, and a whisp of hay sthuck in her mouth, is 
 not to be laffed at, for that is a rail Irish runaway, that is, among the 
 poorer short. Will, the polise advanced apon Tom, and cript apon 
 him, v and saized him, and axed him what was the intint of his busi- 
 ness. Whin Tom ups and sais that he was admirin’ the beautiful 
 bildin’ of a barraks, and the nait polisemin. * Will,’ says the sargint, 
 ‘ your capurs were suspicious, and you are on no good intint.’ ‘ Maybe 
 so,’ sis Tom. ‘ Where are you from ?’ sis the sargint. ‘ Prom bould 
 Tipperary,’ sis Tom. ‘ The land of all Terryalts and Bibbonmin,’ 1 
 sis the sargint. ‘ You lie,’ sis Tom. ‘ Come, no more of that, my 
 gay fellow. You musht cum this morthial minute with me to the 
 narest magistrate,’ sis the sargint. ‘With all my hart,’ sis Tom, and 
 shure enuff he was luged afore the hidin’ magistrate, who, whin he 
 saw Tom with the polise, cried out from his top window, ‘ Who 
 have you there, polise ?’ ‘ A Tipperary Terryalt, your worship,’ sis 
 
 the sargint. ‘ All right,’ sis the magistrate, whin he boults down all 
 at once from his hidin’ loft, or concailmint garrit, and lipt into the 
 prisence of Tom, and axed him where he was from, and Tom said 
 
24 
 
 THE TOUK OF .RUIN. 
 
 swait Tipperary, where man or baist nivir balked their lip, nor re- 
 fused their white wather. ‘ Will/ sais the justice, 1 you musht be 
 imprisoned till brought up the nixt court-day.’ 1 0 your worship,’ 
 sis Tom, 1 shure that is a hard sintince to pass upon a kreatur, for I 
 have as good a karakter from my parish priest as erea buiy from this 
 to home.’ ‘ Show it to me,’ sis the justice. * Bedad I will,’ sis Tom, 
 
 * and give you the plaisin’ con tints of it, too,’ sis Tom. The justice 
 rid it, and was terryfied beyand lingths, and shouted out, ‘ Polise, 
 take the raskal out of my sight, he has sarved me with a lattytat.’ 
 
 ‘ Sarvice acknowledged, your honour,’ sis Tom ; ‘ and now, Mr. 
 
 Konsthables, as ye have so kindly konducted me here, I now throw 
 myshelf under your kind protiction home.’ So Tom was cumpanied 
 home, and he was the thalk of the whole wurld, and the cant of the 
 whole town was ‘ sarvice acknowledged, your worship.’ For, even if 
 the phost-masther nocked at your dure, and handid in a litter, he 
 would say, * Sarvice acknowledged, your honour.’ ” 
 
 Tom now being in much favour with his master, from the very 
 ingenious machination that he put into execution, was determined to 
 enter upon his duties as game-keeper with the greatest of hilarity and 
 enjoyment. But he had not been long installed in office, till a cir- 
 cumstance of the most extraordinary nature occurred, which regularly 
 filled the neighbourhood with astonishment, and made the name of 
 Tom ring in their ears for many a day to come. It is as follows : — 
 Tom having all the necessary instructions that his situation re- 
 quired, entered upon his duty the first week in August, and seemed 
 much rejoiced at the pleasing prospects which presented themselves to 
 his imagination ; for such is the rainbow which our infantine imagi- 
 nation observes in the spangled heavens, and which our infantine 
 heart yearns after, but no sooner within grasp than it dissolves, and 
 leaves behind it the dark cloud of disappointment. Still, Tom anti- 
 cipated a career of lucrative employment amidst the ambiguities of 
 his very wavering office, and still pushed on with that energy and 
 zeal for which his countrymen are so proverbial in a strange 
 land, and which energy always subsides when located in their native 
 spot. For when at home they imagine they feel that strong chord of 
 fraternal feeling which ought to exist between countrymen, and 
 which ought to be tightened more by the tie of consanguinity. But 
 such ideas prove ruinous in the extreme, for this world is merely a 
 theatre, every person acting a part in it, to the best of their abili- 
 ties, either to gain popularity, or fired by the cupidity of pecuniary 
 aggrandizement, and, consequently, unmindful of the interests of 
 others. But, dear reader, mark what I say, “ Behind the scenery lie 
 
THE TOPE. OF RUIN. 
 
 25 
 
 concealed the mysteries of human nature, robed in the gaudy attire of 
 deception, whose fawnings, and blandishments, and serpentine motions 
 decoy man within their coils ; yes, youth in the spring of life, the 
 summer of manhood, the autumn of descending vigour, and the winter 
 of tottering feebleness, and finally the decumbiture of life, till ulti- 
 mately man is lapped in that grave, and heavily mantled with the 
 crumbling earth, and before his obituary had something to learn.” 
 
 After some time Tom found nothing in the aviary line to be safe 
 when within range of his field piece. But it was during one of his 
 field days in the wood, when, to his utter amazement, his ears were 
 saluted by the noise of several guns, which he conjectured were nigh 
 at hand, from the very loud reports that reached him. He, however, 
 followed on in the track from whence the sounds issued, and soon 
 after found himself in company with five poachers, who came, well 
 armed and fully equipped, determined to make a good stand-up fight. 
 Tom, on observing so formidable a fortress present itself to his view, 
 was determined to surprise them by a stratagem ; consequently, he 
 raised a noise behind their backs, which drew their attention, and 
 then very sagely slipt aside and let fly the contents of his two barrels 
 in amongst them, causing the greatest consternation, and likewise 
 most frightful havoc — three out of the five having fallen victims to 
 his large shot, and well-directed aim ; and no sooner was Tom eyed 
 out by the two who escaped unhurt, than they immediately rushed in 
 upon him, and a dreadful hand-to-hand fight ensued, Tom striking 
 dangerous blows at intervals with the stock of his gun, while at other 
 times he bit most ferociously, bringing flesh and cloth together with 
 his much looked for grasp. At other times his yells for assistance 
 were audible for miles, but no one was forthcoming to his aid. At 
 last he had to give in, being completely overpowered; and the 
 poachers, having tied his hands behind his back, led him off a pri- 
 soner, till finally they halted at a mansion of a most picturesque 
 appearance, being situated on an elevated piece of land, and com- 
 manding, for miles around, a most extensive view of the surrounding 
 country. Tom, becoming domesticated in said mansion, was given 
 time to brood over his present position, which, in his eyes, was any- 
 thing but an enviable one, because for what purpose they had brought 
 him there he could not form the slightest idea, neither why they did 
 procrastinate their intentions, as on his arrival he was sure that he 
 would be greeted with whatever destiny awaited him ; and let it be 
 bad, or let it be good, he was determined to meet it as a man, and, 
 moreover, as an Irishman ; consequently, his feelings were wound up 
 to the greatest state of enthusiasm and exasperation, at the different 
 
26 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 looks which passed from one poacher to another, and it struck his 
 mind most forcibly that they were pondering what kind of death they 
 would give him. At last one of them vanished out of his sight, 
 while the other kept a strict vigilance over him, and never for one 
 moment seemed to take his eyes off him, which vulnerated Tom’s 
 feelings very much, he, no doubt, considering himself deeply insulted, 
 and being incapable of revenging himself on his antagonist. Straight 
 opposite Tom also sat a female of a most graceful aspect, whose golden, 
 undulating tresses, and dark resplendent eyes, denoted her a person of 
 no menial parentage, and whose bewitching appearance at once softened 
 that irony which had heretofore labelled Tom’s physiognomy. His 
 ossified and icy heart began to melt under the influence of her 
 sunny smiles ; his flushed lip and ruffled brow became calm and 
 smooth under the atmosphere of her playful innocence, his des- 
 tiny, which was marked and sealed in his own eyes as fatal, now 
 relapsed into the fond hopes of being one day or another able to press 
 to his bosom the locks he so fondly cherished, and the image he so 
 tenderly adored ; for no matter how much difficulties presented them- 
 selves to Tom’s view, yet, notwithstanding all such, when a lady of 
 prepossessing appearance exhibited herself, all became drawn and 
 annihilated in the magnetic power of her smiles, and victimized at 
 the gates of her loveliness. Tor such was his weak point ; and such 
 is life : the weakness of one man is a prop to the other, and the ex- 
 tinguisher of the lamp of one man the feeding of the wick to 
 another. Tom, however, remained in the one spot nearly motion- 
 less for hours ; at last the missing poacher arrived, having, as 
 he stated, done his work, which conveyed also to Tom’s mind, 
 that he was interring the dead, afraid any trace might be found 
 which would lead to the apprehension of himself and his comrade. 
 Tom, consequently, awaited their final decision, which was either to 
 obliterate for ever his name from the memory of the living, or to have 
 him enthroned as one of the happiest individuals here upon earth, by 
 placing him side to side with the lovely being who so tenderly gazed 
 upon him, and from whose deep sensitive looks he drew the greatest 
 consolation and happiness, anticipating one day or another the capture 
 of her symmetrically formed figure, and the possession of her alluring 
 and graceful smiles, never for one moment considering the world of 
 uncertainties he lived in ; for Tom was always taken off his guard 
 and reflection by the presence of one of the softer sex, and especially 
 when they basked out in all that glow of radiant loveliness which is 
 alone sufficient to dazzle the eyes of man, and to hold the mind spell- 
 bound to the spot — casting that warmth of feminine expression which 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 27 
 
 is so characteristic of their race and heart-rending to the soul of man. 
 Tom, however, still remained in a state of suspense, situated in the 
 middle of two extremes, one of which he must assuredly undergo ere 
 many hours should roll over his head, anxiously awaiting either his 
 final excommunication from this terrestrial sphere, or the onset of his 
 future happiness, which would be the complicating of the hymeneal 
 knot between him and his adored Venus. A deep taciturnity, however, 
 reigned throughout the mansion, and such was broke by the poacher 
 relieving Tom from his manual entanglement, and letting him loose 
 once more to the world, on his making solemn promises that he would 
 never inform of them, and that likewise he was perfectly welcome to 
 pay his addresses to the young girl who sat opposite to him, and 
 he rested assured, that, should he seem willing to do so, their 
 ideas would be quite reciprocal, having previously made inquiries 
 as to her feelings on that point. Tom, however, now being released 
 from his prison, and his manacles being loosened, was determined, 
 first of all, to pay a visit to his master, and to draw a little upon his 
 imagination, by telling him that whilst out shooting he fell sick 
 under a severe malady, and had forthwith to be conveyed to a neigh- 
 bour’s house, where he met the most extreme kindness from the 
 people therein. Such a story, however, went down most glibly 
 with his master, Tom having drawn the long bow so admirably well, 
 and having polished it over by assuming a most dejected countenance, 
 such as invalids have after rising from the bed of sickness. Tom’s 
 master, who figured about in the professional circles of life, was a 
 native of Devonshire, and a most trustworthy man in every sense of the 
 word, and very much respected by the gents far and near, on account 
 of his most pleasing disposition, and likewise his urbanity of manner ; 
 he also possessed the most unlimited charity at this time, and having 
 taken a deeper view than mundane prosperity, his hand of benevo- 
 lence was stretched far and near throughout the impoverished huts of 
 the country, and carried with it the mark of fraternal Christianity, 
 and bore along with it a multiplicity of benedictions from the middle 
 classes, who were most acute observers of all his generous acts, and 
 who likewise served in extolling his unbounded generosity throughout 
 the country. He could be also observed hovering about the beds of 
 the sick poor, administering to their wants, having crept in a kneeling 
 attitude into the miserable abodes, which sheltered the wretched mendi- 
 cants, and exhibited the signs of penury and nudity, which are at the 
 present day most prominent features in many of the cabins of the 
 Irish peasantry — their richer brethren not looking to their wants, 
 neither considering their welfare ; and the reason is simply this, be- 
 
28 
 
 TILE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 cause Christianity has taken no seat in their hearts, and likewise 
 because, having never felt the smart of poverty, they do not know or 
 consider the pressure of difficulties that weighs down the heart of the 
 unfortunate victim of mendicity, neither do they consider, in laying 
 up that store, which will be far more profitable hereafter, than in ac- 
 cumulating the gaudy tinsel of this world, which may, in the twink- 
 ling of an eye, he severed from their minds and hearts for ever, and 
 only leave as a memento that they lived despised, and died unre- 
 gretted — for life is but a flash of the lightning, a break of the wave. 
 Yes, such men may build castles in the air, and must inevitably see 
 them fall into ruins at their feet — for time will consume all things ; 
 but there is nothing stable, nothing satisfactory, nothing permanent 
 but the rock of salvation — and upon that rock build your faith, and 
 the polluted and turbid streams of this world’s vanity shall not wash 
 it away ; neither shall the popular tide of carnal affections undermine 
 its firmness. Tom, in the interim, having got initiated into the good 
 graces of his master, and believing all things to be quite serene and 
 pleasing, and taking a survey over the vast demesne of which he consi- 
 dered himself lord and master, and taking a view of the picturesque 
 scenery which presented itself to his observation, for placed on one 
 side of him was sylvian shades, unbroken by any sound, save the 
 warbling of the aviary inhabitants, on the other side stood a thick 
 plantation of brushwood and evergreens, which completely eluded the 
 keen gaze of the casual passer by ; in the rear of him stood with majestic 
 awe the venerable old oak, whose wide spreading branches served be- 
 times as a refuge to his much fatigued frame, but still something was 
 wanting to complete this terrestrial paradise; the demesne was 
 vacuum of a twig, for such was the only shrub which decorated yon- 
 der hill, and shone as a star which cast its brilliant rays across Tom’s 
 perambulations, and gladdened his heart when drawing nigh to the 
 place from whence it set. It was his aurora and vesper star, the 
 emporium of all his affections, and served as a beacon to light him 
 through this wearisome world, and to guide his wandering footsteps 
 right. It was his alpha and omega, and no matter how much pleasing 
 prospects presented themselves to his eyes, paving his path with hope 
 and happiness, yet without her, the object of his affections, all was ob- 
 scurity, and only served to help the wandering traveller to his home 
 of disquietude ; and only served to demonstrate to him that until that 
 vacuum was filled up, and that twig planted in the picturesque demesne 
 of which he was care-taker, that he could never traverse the paths of 
 serenity and contentment. No, not all the warbling of the melodious 
 little birds which, with joyful notes, greeted the welcoming of happy 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. • 29 
 
 summer; neither the vocal gentleness of the lambs, whose innocent 
 sounds vibrated through the sylvan shades, and conveyed to man’s 
 heart the glad tidings of summer’s approach and the innocence which 
 is so characteristic of their race, yet all these ran far short of the one 
 thing most needful ; all was a monotony without her presence, and a 
 loathsome drag on the audible powers of man. His ears were muffled 
 to the wild strains of the aerial tribe, his heart was callous and ossified 
 to the sweet tones of innocence. His optic vision was obscured to the 
 picturesque scenery of nature, and all things appeared to taint his 
 breathing with a foul and polluted air, and to dry up the heart 
 springs "of his genuine felicity, which, at the present, seemed stag- 
 nant and muddied with the sounds of terrestrial objects, and can only 
 emanate and become transparent by the vocal pathos of his dear little 
 cantatrice, whose sweet and playful notes oftentimes reached him in 
 his diurnal tramp, and revived in him those feelings which an ardent 
 lover only knows, and inspired him with a hope beyond anything 
 earthly. Tom, therefore, was wound up to the greatest state of enthu- 
 siasm in paying his avocation at the mansion of his beloved one, con- 
 templating at the same time the sad tragedy that heretofore presented 
 itself to his eyes ; and how such an act of so prodigious a nature 
 could remain taciturn so long, especially as there were, in that part 
 of the country, so many garrulous people, some of whom, like many 
 of the world, minded their neighbours’ affairs while they neglected 
 their own, intenth negotiis amicorum negligere sua, and were consulted 
 on all occasions, like the oracle of Apollo : and whose sage responses 
 were dragged down and stamped with as much credulity as the pro- 
 phecies of old. Tom, however, collapsed into a state of stupor, be- 
 tween ambiguity and reality, concerning the reception he should meet 
 with, although having got a previous intimation of his welcoming, 
 for he prudently and gravely considered that so sanguine and fatal 
 a struggle, which had taken place long since, and which severed an 
 amicable tie, which must have existed amongst the parties, that all 
 such could not be obliterated from their memories, neither erased from 
 their minds, and that being domesticated with them, he might ere 
 long fall a sacrifice to their brutalities ; and now, unkennelled as he 
 was, he could not be very easy taken advantage of; for, as he said 
 himself, he always had his eyes about him, and was ready for his 
 antagonist at the first deadly spring, as previous to such a profound 
 silence always ensues, and conveys to the victim that consternation is 
 at hand, and that nerve and strength are not to be procrastinated, but 
 resorted to instanter, as the only means of success ; and as Tom says, 
 the first blow is half the battle. 
 
30 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN; 
 
 Still willing to give vent to those very excited feelings, which he 
 was labouring under, he paid his avocation at the mansion of his be- 
 loved one, and was received in the most cordial manner by all the 
 domestics, and warmly shook hands with by the lovely virgin herself, 
 whose sweet smiles and winning looks completely turned him upside 
 down, and gave him a double relish for the angel who so incautiously 
 let them slip from her, she never for a moment calculating that they 
 could cause such havoc on the human constitution, and embitter the ex- 
 istence of one, who had so deeply fallen a victim to the radiant sunbeam 
 of the destructive gleam, or a sacrifice to the artless brilliancy of 
 woman’s eyes, which likewise serves as a beacon to light us, poor 
 pilgrims here upon earth, to heaven, and by that gentleness of mind 
 to impart a sympathy that would smoothen down the roughest heart. 
 Tom having got now initiated into the good graces of his fair one, and 
 considering that delays were dangerous, determined to pacify his mind, 
 by popping the question to her, and by so doing, he considered he 
 could take a very good survey of future prospects, being well aware 
 of either of the final resolutions which would be put into execution ; 
 and such were, that he would either become a husband to the said 
 girl, or that his death was sealed and stamped. Such cases of ex- 
 tremes, however, did not seem to ruffle his plumage, for he always 
 delighted to be either one way or the other, or, as he himself called it, 
 either a man or a mouse. However, as far as Tom could learn, 
 he seemed to take a favourable view of matters, and conjectured 
 deeply in his mind the vast accumulation of danger they would lay 
 themselves open to by depriving him of his existence ; while, on the 
 other hand, their free and voluntary consent, in matrimonial matters, 
 would serve them to lighten the burden of their household, and alle- 
 viate their sufferings, for they were deeply stricken at this time with 
 penury, and bereft of most of their boon companions ; for such associ- 
 ates can only be fenced in where the pasture is good and presents a 
 rich appearance ; when it is in a state of nudity, they then tres- 
 pass on other person’s clover. Tom, however, after some days, 
 found, to his greatest ecstacy, his hopes about to be realized — his 
 Desdemona receiving him with that courteous politeness and gen- 
 tleness of mind, which is so characteristic of the race, and which 
 redounds so much to their credit ; and which finally tells 
 so much upon the heart of an impulsive Irishman, driving his enthu- 
 siastic brain betimes to the greatest state of excitement, only to be 
 subsided by the fair and gentle glance of the donor, who is never 
 backward in casting her heart- aching smiles at her Lothario, in order 
 to keep her fairly balanced in the matrimonial scales. Hot many 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 31 
 
 days had elapsed, however, before Tom put in his proposal, and was 
 accepted with the most cordial frankness, not only by the fair damsel 
 herself, but also by the domestic circle — even the menial of the estab- 
 lishment lavishing the greatest encomiums on his unbounded gene- 
 rosity and kindred affection, as she considered him now as one of 
 themselves ; and she was happy to say she was a native of the same 
 soil, and, if she knew but all, # maybe related, for she considherd that 
 Irishmin were always strait, forward, pushing bould min, who would 
 not be loth in tillin’ their arrant at once, and the divil a bit but 
 that is what the shame Inglish lassis likhes. Don’t tell me shuch, 
 but ax me, for I am roulin’ among thim now these five yares, and I 
 find a sthrappin’, frolicksome, gigantic, wholesome lad of an Irish- 
 man to knock more music out of thim than half a dozen of your shys- 
 tematical foreigners ; for lit a girl luk ivir so abashed, ai, as if she 
 evin wanted a board acrass her eyes, and a paryshole and two vails, 
 yit, dipind upon it, she likes the boy that will carouse and jollify 
 her, and rise her hart into the illimints with his jokes, for I always 
 sain it, and sain is belaivin’. Some paiple think if they push up to 
 an Inglish girl, with their sthately manners and dandy hed dress, 
 and stharched up attytudes, that they are rigular hart-brakers, and 
 kant be pushid off ; but upon my solem honour, and I am a poor 
 girl, and ill till the truth and shame the divil, they don’t care a jack 
 sthraw, or a kick of your shin for such chaps, for there is sivinteen 
 yards lingth of more fun and joke playin’ in the girls than there is in 
 the buiys, and four sthone weight of more pluck in the line of matri- 
 mony. They are my ducks evin for match makin’, and puttin’ 
 their fingers in the pie. But to bait back upon the foreigner, and I’ll 
 till you for a sartainty the objectionable ingredient that is mixed up 
 in their composition, and that is, particularity and regularity. They 
 luk at a girl, and if there is a pin asthray in hokin’ up her driss, 
 they luk at it ; or if her driss is loose in the back, by the hokes flyin’ 
 or by the rail dint of tightinin’ and figure improvin’, they skoff at it 
 and view thim as if they were a paip show, or that they were the 
 railway and they the indianers ; but my brave boys of Irish what do 
 they do, they dunt kare a thraneen or the kick of a lhame duck, if 
 the girls were hoked with holdfasths, and that their sthays were 
 made of horsi’s ribs, and they clad also with the skhin of the baist, 
 laivin’ ears and all apon it, so as they had a purty face, and a 
 coksyn eye, they were my darlints ; the devil a particularity 
 in thim, they evin are not particular about how much they drink, but 
 they are as to how much they aite, for they sildom hold aitin’ munney, 
 for thirst is twhice as dridfull a dith as hungir, for shuch dries you 
 
32 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 up lik a cindir, and you begin to chip and break asbunder by degrais, 
 and that is burnin’ pain ; but with hungir you git waik by inches, 
 and are swipt off your fait diver and clain. So now maybe I was 
 on the road whin the schoolmasther was in the field, and whin he 
 was givin’ out knowledge I was locked up snugh and warm in a ban- 
 box ; but anyhow I give my blissin’ to the match, and the purty 
 couple, and that they may niver sai a poor day, only have paice and 
 plinty in abundance, and that they may niver know what it is to mait 
 with misfortune ; but that riches may be routin’ for thim iviry day in the 
 yare, and that hilth and prosperity may niver put its nose out of their 
 cabin, and that they may niver know what it is to be sick, sour, or 
 sorry ; and that their kitchin may be fairly bindin’ down with the 
 .weight of pig mait, and that their flure may be swimmin’ over with 
 craim and milk, that their pockitts may be crackin’ their stitches 
 with the loads of munney, and that their night-caps may be fairly 
 ruz of their hids with the stringth of their hair and the rail dint of 
 substantial nutrymint, ai, and good hilth into the bargain ; and that 
 they may niver know what it is to want a mail of victuals ; and that 
 both of them may comb gray hids, and sai happy days, and be a blis- 
 sin’ to their childer, and to their children’s childer for forty-five 
 generations to come ; that nuthin’ undaycint may niver be thrun into 
 their faces, nither informers or traitors be slapht at thim ; and that 
 their charakters may remain as frish as the flowers of May, ai, and 
 perfume as will ; ai, and that hill may be sivin hundred lagues from 
 thim in their latter ind ; for the shame gamekaiper was a rail brid 
 gintleman, for he ushed to slip me a silver coin unonsed wheniver he 
 would come to sai his swaithart ; and, besides, he tould me from his 
 own two lips, that he would take me to live with him whin he would 
 be marryed and sittled for ; and that he would give me tai twice a 
 day, and two mait dinners, and co. at night ; so is not that aquail to 
 any Inglish place ; I defy a bitter supply of provision ; and, besides, 
 I bein’ lady’s maid, I know hersilf won’t throw her coverin’ out upon 
 the manure haip, while she has me, for she is as good a short as ever 
 was raired, she would at this prisint day give you to the lasht flidget 
 upon hir back, and that shows the braidin’, and that she is the rail 
 sort of a gintle woman, and sprung from quolity, and no misthake 
 about it ; and now I would like of all things to change places, for I 
 am hartily shick of English grub ; that y allow chaise is the very 
 picture of yallow shoap, and the very tasthe, for I got a bit of it at 
 the public-house, at the cross, as a trait from an Irish boy thuther 
 day, and it burnid the blood in my body yallow, and gave me the 
 yallow jaundice, and if I didn’t suffir from shuch, call me Davy; I 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 33 
 
 had to cross the salt sai to Ireland in sarch of harb doctors, for if you 
 had all the doctors pinned togither in a string, from Cape Clare to 
 the Land’s Ind, they could not take a fither out of you for the shame 
 lad of a dissorder, and at lasht I met a northern woman who cured 
 me parfactly, and turned me as white as snow ; and shure now if you 
 made a bridge of double glosther, or thrible glostheF, chaise, from 
 this to Amerikey, I would not lay a toe upon it, let alone a tooth, as 
 it is a war out to my stomach iver since I aite it, and a terror to my 
 eye. Tom, however, having got the free will and consent of 
 all parties, was determined to bring matters to a final issue, and 
 consequently appointed the day for the celebration of the nuptials ; 
 but previous to such taking place he was determined to let his intended 
 one see a little of Irish life and Irish scenery. Consequently, having 
 got leave from his master for one month, feigning as an excuse that 
 his mother was on her last kick in Ireland, and wished of all things 
 to see him, in order to give him her blessing, previous to her exit 
 from this transient abode ; his master, therefore, on so urgent an 
 occasion, immediately complied with his wishes, and the next day 
 was to be seen Tom and his intended spouse and box and baggage 
 taking their departure from Holyhead Pier, surrounded by a vast 
 number of porters and messengers of various kinds. Tom was to be 
 observed also brandishing his bludgeon in defence of his luggage, as 
 several appeared to be clinging out of it, he having not complied with 
 the request of the first porter who demanded of him his articles in 
 order to remove them to the boat, which had just put up sufficient 
 steam for its departure; Tom, however, perceiving the communication 
 between the land and the boat going to be finally severed, at last 
 complied with the request of the porter, who instanier landed his 
 articles into the boat. Tom followed on soon after in the track of the 
 porter, but his luggage was non est inventus , — it was down in the 
 hold, and therefore, being obscured to his optical vision, he laboured 
 under the erroneous idea that it had changed owners, and was now 
 really the property of the said porter who conveyed it hither, and 
 then in the bustle and clamour glided away unobserved. Tom having 
 most of the articles which was to decorate his Yenus on her nuptial 
 day, caged within his box, besides a habit or riding dress which he 
 was taking over to Ireland^ in order to make his Desdemona shine in 
 the true light of a lady of rank ; knowing well that such habiliments 
 were quite incognito to the poorer class in Ireland, and likewise would 
 stamp the wearer down as a lady of indisputable parentage and 
 undeviating principle, who, habitualized to the circle in which 
 she moved and figured, could never do anything that was paltry 
 
 c 
 
34 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 or low, and should likewise be respected according to the position 
 she held in society. All the luggage, besides trinkets and jew- 
 ellery, not of a very auriferous nature, being obliterated from 
 Tom’s view, he could no further restrain his impetuosity, for 
 which his countrymen are so proverbial, and he forthwith commenced 
 a scene which Raffles all description, for he called, as his sister Peggy 
 stated, “ for the masther, or captain, 'or guvemor, or whatever per- 
 jock he is in the natur of a sai monsther, and ups and tould him that 
 he would make smitherains and splinthers of his vissil, by kickin’ the 
 bottom out of her, if he would not git him his goods or till him the 
 name of the thief of a porter who hugermuggered him out of thim, 
 
 ‘ for,’ sais he, ‘ Mr. Captain, you musht pay for all the inday cencies 
 your sarvants commit, and I’ll hould your nose accountable to the 
 grindin’ sthone for it, and I’ll summons you, and prociss you, and lat- 
 tytat you, for all my goods, and myjewl’s apparel, and jewellery, and 
 riding surtoo. Did you know, Mr. Captain, I am about takin’ this nait 
 kreatur, which you sai furninst you, as a wife to myself.’ Captain. — 
 
 ‘ Yes, Paddy, I see, but I would sooner you would have her than me.’ 
 Tom. — ‘ "What do you mane, you sea cursin’ rogue ? Is it bekease you 
 have me in your ould tub, jostlin’ me about on the countenance of the 
 daip sai, that you think you can inshultme, who niver turned my back 
 upon an offince yit, and it is not cum to that with me now, I hophes.’ 
 Captain — ‘ I say, Jack, take this fellow abaft the pinnacle, and give 
 him twelve lashes, and if he grumbles or puts one word out of his 
 mouth, cast him out into the sea.’ Tom. — ‘ Kasht me out into the 
 sar, is that what you say ? it is aisier said than dun. Don’t think it’s 
 your long sarchin’ line you have, but rimimber you have the rail true 
 hart’s blood o£an honest Irishman, ai and hisswaithart into the bargin.’ 
 Captain. — ‘ Out with him, sailors, let him smell the sea water, it will 
 stop his nose if it won’t his mouth, let the play go how it will.’ 
 Tom. — * Sthop my noshe ! 0 be aisy, maybe I would show you 
 
 something that would sthop your two eyes from iver sain’ a wink.’ 
 Captain — ‘Out with him, and tie a rope to his- leg.’ Tom. — ‘Is 
 that it ; maybe you think it’s a baist you have. No, sorrow a 
 bit, but I would take my affidavit before a binch of magystrates, that 
 you are stark, starin’ drunk, and not able to guide a cockle- shill, and 
 here we are, all of us, wife and all, under your marcy. And your 
 hell-fire club of seimin, you thunderin’ rogue, wffiat tuk howlt of you 
 this blissid mornin’ that you should kum out in shuch a stathe, with 
 your eyes like two comits in your hid, and your mouth like Mount 
 Etna, pouring out fire, curshes, and thrits upon the daicent people 
 who have ped for their futtin’ ; but I would not blame you, but give 
 
THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 35 
 
 you the greatest of paisc for gittin’ drunk whin upon land, and littin’ 
 nobody say black was the white of your eye, or yallow was the but of 
 your lug, but to be unstidy upon sai is no laffin’ matther, for if a bug 
 only aite a hole in the bottom of the vissil, we were all to the bottom 
 of the sai in a crack.’ Captain. — ‘ Yes, Paddy, and a nice inhabitant 
 you would be in the bottom of the sea, a nice associate for the fish 
 tribe ; and besides, as a ghost, you would be a frightful spectacle to 
 all vessels that would steer adjacent to your haunted regions, and a 
 safeguard to any of your countrymen who would be caught out in bad 
 weather, and I suppose also you would be in possession of a bottle of 
 the native, which would convey no unpleasant effluvia to their olfactory 
 powers, neither an objectionable vision to their inquisitive peepers.’ 
 Tom. — ‘ You thalk ; it’s the likes of you that dus, and you sthuffed 
 up to the hed, airs, and throat with whiskey, this mortial minnet, and 
 the taith chatterin’ in your hid with the rail wurkin’ of the sthuff 
 itsilf, and the eyes swimmin’ in your hid with the plaisin’ ifficts of it. 
 
 0 yis, it is lads likhe you that goes on, for as long as I have 
 harein’, and sain’, and larenin,’ and as long as I have lugs to 
 katch the words of the ould thud, that the first person to call 
 a body a rogue would be an unscrupulous thief himself, and the 
 first person to call a drunkard would be a lad that niver twisthed 
 a faiture at the swaiping off of a rousin’ crapper ; but paiple 
 don’t know thimsilves at all, at all, for it is a grand knowledge to 
 lam, and while some paiple are rakin’ under the ashes their naybors 
 for roguery, villany, and all other like offences, yet at the shame time 
 they thimsilves may be thegreatist rogues in ixistence, and niver give 
 their fist the custom of balkin’ at anything, supposin’ they were be- 
 hind a daicent man’s kounter, or in arm’s length of a gould watch 
 hangin’ loose or careless in a gintleman’s fob, and I alsho nicked apon 
 my shtick, that paiple are as blind as baths to their own waiknesses 
 and failins, while with the eye of a hawk they can discarn their nay- 
 bors’ failins, ai and drag them from this to Amerikay through a dirty 
 muddy pool, tied by the shank bone, firm and tight, by a shtraw rope. 
 Now, misther shailor, you think Paddy is up to nothin’, and that he 
 walks through the world blind drunk, and his mouth open, and his 
 fists clinched, and his nais knockin’ togither with pure divilment, but 
 
 1 tell you now to the conthrayry.’ Captain. — ‘ 0 yes ! Paddy, I am 
 perfectly aware of these manoeuvres, or meanders as they call it them- 
 selves, and from what I can judge concerning them I take them to be 
 a most disturbed class of individuals in themselves, and, moreover, 
 given very much to all sorts of excitement ; but, on the other hand — 
 I can’t go behind the bush with you, but I must tell you they are an 
 
36 
 
 THE TOUR OF RUIN. 
 
 impulsive, warm-hearted people, and cling with the most firm te- 
 nacity when destiny perchance throws them in a foreign land, and 
 where friends and auxiliaries are far distant ; and, besides, more vir- 
 tuous and open-minded than any other nation I haye ever yet met 
 with.’ Tom. — ‘ Apon my shoul it is you I helaive, boy, and I sai by 
 your lasht diskourse that we are tightnin’ up frindship fasht ; but, 
 masther, can you git me my travillin’ articles, for I have no bushiniss 
 to inter Ireland athout thim — there are the marrage clothes of that 
 purty kreatur on yonder sait ; and, moreover, it was her own fancy 
 and likin’ to chuse me out of hundrids, and to depind and plant her 
 affections upon me, and wouldn’t I be a bare-faced raskal to ill- trait or 
 disappoint the tinder kreature — she even lift all her grand cumpanions 
 and relatives and cum with me alone across to Ould Ireland.’ Captain. 
 — ‘Yes, Paddy, you may say that when you get there.’ Tom. — ‘ Why, 
 wdiisht Captain, shure you don’t intind drownding us, for if I thought 
 so I would have drissed my Yenus there in shilks and shatins, and she 
 would have floated for shore, with two big corks under hir arms.’ 
 Tom, however, arrived at Kingstown harbour, and was in the greatest 
 state of ecstacy on the reception of his luggage, and doubly rejoiced 
 on viewing the serene countenance of his lady love, whose graceful 
 smiles and courteous nods manifestly demonstrated that Erin’s soil 
 presented no unenviable luxury to her very enlightened mind, neither 
 presented any barrier to her future prospects. Tom being now in com- 
 plete raptures at everything going so well with him, and likewise 
 anticipating his future career of unmolested bliss, amidst the toils of 
 this ambiguous world, set out immediately for the residence of his 
 mother, who rejoiced under the appellation of Molly — a name most 
 wonderful in the numerical line, and still of no diminution in the rising 
 generation, and never will be as long as fortune-telling women pro- 
 nounce the name to be lucky and prosperous in the most extreme. 
 Tom pursued his journey with the greatest of vehemence, till at last 
 he reached the much-looked for residence.