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 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
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 BY THE AUTHOR OF 
 
 RECOLLECTIONS OF A FRENCH MARCHIONESS." 
 
 <* The earth hath bubbles as the water has, 
 And these are of them/' 
 
 Macbeth. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES VOL. I. 
 
 T. C. NEWBY, LONDON. 
 
 MDCCCXIJX.
 
 Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 
 University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/roughsmoothnovel01scot
 
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH 
 
 CHAPTER L 
 
 There was a degree of excitement very un- 
 usual to the ordinarily well-conducted, gloomy 
 Gower-street, on one morning in May, 1823. 
 And no wonder — there was a wedding ! The 
 joy-bells of old Saint Giles' had rung out their 
 merriest peal ; and now, at the neighbouring 
 bed-room windows, the maids were on the alert, 
 and with protruded heads, bedecked in best 
 caps and ribbons, seemed to cast reflections on 
 the males beneath. 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 It required no extraordinary amount of 
 penetration to determine the locus in quo ©f 
 present curiosity. Opposite to No. — were 
 drawn up two flys, a glass-coach, a seedy 
 chariot, and a very richly appointed curricle. 
 The snorting, pawing thorough-breds of the latter 
 with their silver furniture, and the diminutive 
 " Tiger," who stood at their heads with his 
 hand just reaching the bits, presented a strong 
 contrast to the sleepy hacks and hired drivers 
 of the former. It was the difference of High 
 and Low life — the " Tiger " felt it, and kept 
 aloof. 
 
 At that house, a party was assembled to do 
 honor to the nuptials of a young couple, who 
 had on that day — like other victims braving the 
 world's experience — consented to forego single 
 blessedness for the lottery of married life. 
 
 In the street was the usual melee attendant 
 on London weddings. The bell-ringers, the 
 elected beadle, the hereditary sexton of the 
 parish, were applying at the door for their gra-
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 6 
 
 tuities. The butcher's boys, the baker's ditto, 
 and tag-rag females were trying to peep over 
 the window-blinds of the dining-room ; a band 
 of dissolute-looking miscreants armed with 
 drum, oboe, clarionet and French horn, who 
 only appear on such occasions (how they find 
 out the weddings, and where they come from 
 has always been a matter of conjecture) took 
 up their position, and rent the air with their 
 discordant productions of " Haste to the Wed- 
 ding," " What can the m:itter be," and other 
 appropriate tunes. To add to the confusion, a 
 little Savoyard, with his hurdy-gurdy, was 
 jumping and shouting on the pavement, and 
 Mr. Punch, who knows well the value of a 
 nuisance at such a moment, was chirrupping 
 with all his might, and hitting " the gentleman 
 in black " awful whacks on the head. 
 
 On that eventful day — so pregnant with 
 interest to those concerned — Ellen Moreton 
 had bestowed her milk-white hand on the ob- 
 ject of her choice— one Adrian Horn, a fair- 
 B 3
 
 4 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 spoken and comely young man. They were 
 now seated, side by side, at table, doing duty 
 at that most uncomfortable of all repasts — the 
 wedding breakfast. 
 
 Mrs. Moreton, the widowed mother, sat at 
 the top of the table, having on her right the 
 Kev. Tobit Smirke, the curate of the parish, 
 and friend of the family, in virtue of which 
 double capacity he had read the marriage ser- 
 vice, in a sepulchral tone, over the young 
 people. The arduous but pleasing duty of pro- 
 posing their healths likewise devolved upon the 
 reverend gentleman, and if he labored in his 
 vocation as much as he did in delivering himself 
 of those few short sentences, he must have 
 been a hard working man and a credit to his 
 cloth. 
 
 Occuj'ying the other post of honor, on Mrs. 
 Moreton' s left, sat an old man of remarkable 
 name and make, and of fashion peculiarly his 
 own. It was Mr. Gombochick, of the house of 
 Gombochick Stuggery and Co., the extensive
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 5 
 
 timber-merchants. He had ever been con- 
 sidered the inutile lignum, and was the sleeping 
 partner of the firm. His face was not very 
 extensive, for the fulness thereof had descended 
 to his chin, which was ponderous, voluminous, 
 like a comforter, (in one sense) round his throat 
 This weight from below had the effect of drag- 
 ging down the corners of his eyes and mouth, 
 which gave him the expression of continually 
 crying, wherefore he had been over-run with 
 invitations to funerals, which he generally 
 attended as chief mourner. Were it not for 
 the old man's bloated appearance, unsuitable 
 for agr.ave man, he might have combined the 
 part of mute likewise, for he was seldom known 
 to utter a syllable. 
 
 But he never went now unaccompanied by 
 his wife, for on one occasion, whilst attending 
 the obsequies of a defunct friend, he leant 
 against the wall of the vault and fell asleep, 
 and was locked up until he was missed ! 
 
 She sat by his side on the present occasion,
 
 6 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 (a little sharp woman, all angles) and was re- 
 peatedly nudging his elbow. 
 
 This gentleman's forehead was low, present- 
 ing little scope for phrenological developments ; 
 the bushy eye-brows might be said to have had 
 a hair-breadth egcape of eiFectinga junction 
 with the stragglers on the roof. One button of 
 his coat had a hard time of it across his chest, 
 the others were evidently only for ornament, 
 80 that as he sat at table he had much the 
 figure of an extinguisher. He had been a 
 friend of the late Mr. Moreton, and was a co- 
 trustee of the bride's fortune, in conjunction 
 with him who was doing the honors at the 
 bottom of the table. 
 
 This was Mr. Hoskyns, a very different sort 
 of personage. A healthy, robust man, of be- 
 nignant aspect, fresh- colored cheeks, a smooth, 
 shiny, bald head, powdered at the sides, but no 
 stray specks apparent upon his collar. He 
 wore a white neck-cloth, and white waistcoat, 
 and white trousers for this gala occasion, and
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 7 
 
 he was a style of man, although you could not 
 see his extremities, you would swear always 
 wore gaiters. He was a merchant, and looked 
 like a prosperous one. He was the great man 
 of the fete^ and when the speeches were made, 
 he was addressed as " Mr. Vice." He drank 
 wine with all the company, not forgetting him- 
 self, beginning with old Gombochick, who was 
 nudged for the occasion; and when his own 
 health was drank, he replied in such neat and 
 appropriate terms, as left no doubt in any re- 
 flecting mind, but that he was quite accus- 
 tomed to that sort of thing. 
 
 Mr. Hoskyns was a lively man, but he was 
 evidently a reflecting as well as a digestive 
 animal ; he was a man of business, and of 
 course had plenty on his mind, as might be 
 perceived from his relapsing into silence every 
 now and then, in which moods he methodically 
 rubbed his chin, as though he had made a bad 
 shave that morning (but he hadn't); or he 
 twisted the key of his ponderous watch-chain.
 
 8 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 His eyes would then wander to the bride, and 
 from thence to the young man who sat oppo- 
 site to her ; but they chiefly lighted upon him 
 with a grave sort of expression, somewhat 
 stern. 
 
 That young man was the bridegroom's ** best 
 man." What duties fall to the share of this 
 functionary the canonical writers have not de- 
 fined ; but there he sat facing the happy couple, 
 to all appearances the " best man." For he 
 was a fine-looking felloAv, tall, strong, and 
 well-proportioned, but of a somewhat coarse 
 mould. His hair was raven, and his eyes were 
 very dark, with a fierce expression, but they 
 did not stare you honestly in the face. He had 
 a thin, curled, upper lip, and when he smiled, 
 there was a display of fine teeth, but his smile 
 was not pleasant — it was cynical, supercilious. 
 He was dressed in the extreme of fashion, but 
 with greater gaudiness than good taste. He 
 was the owner of that gay curricle and those 
 prancing steeds at the door. To sum up his
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 9 
 
 appearance, he would have made a perfect 
 Brigand Chief for tableaux vivantSf such was 
 Miles Davenport. 
 
 His gaze was directed very earnestly on the 
 nouveau maries^ he must have counted every 
 mouthful, that was easy, perhaps, for persons 
 in their interesting position are generally too 
 nervous to eat — he must have heard every 
 word they said, nay every whisper — that was 
 hardly fair upon them. 
 
 His manner in addressing the bride or bride- 
 groom was quite different to that which he 
 adopted towards the rest of the company. To 
 her or to him his tone was extremely deferen- 
 tial, and his smile almost cringing. To the 
 other guests he replied with some hai/teur; 
 there was an evident show of superiority when- 
 ever he addressed them. But he was Adrian 
 Horn's " best man,'* and his great friend, and 
 he knew little or nothing of the other con- 
 vives. 
 There were others there, of course, whom it 
 B 5
 
 f 
 
 10 KOrOn AKD SMOOTH. 
 
 is not necessary for our purpose to specify, two 
 pretty simpering bridesmaids, the prettiest of 
 the twiiin being Miss Hoskyns, a daughter of 
 the Vice, beautifully dressed, school-fellows of 
 Ellen ; they blushed very much when their 
 healths were proposed, and still more when 
 they were told that the youngest was to return 
 thanks. Everybody had known everybody there 
 all his or her life — with the exception above- 
 mentioned— and everybody declared that he 
 had no hesitation in saying that he or she, as 
 the case might be, was the most amiable crea- 
 ture in existence. Mr. Storkes was there, the 
 family apothecary, a gaunt man, tall and pale 
 (Mrs. Moreton swore by him), he confidently 
 asserted, and he defied contradiction, that 
 bavins had the honour of the fair bride's ac- 
 quaintance since she was a baby, he conscien- 
 tiously averred that she was one of the healthi- 
 est young creatures he had ever attended I 
 Two or three supernumeraries comprising a 
 tabby or bo, neighbouring chums of Mrs.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 11 
 
 MoretoD, will complete our list. It was won- 
 derful how people laughed when Ellen was 
 called by her new designation, " Mrs. Horn," 
 it seemed such an admirable joke ! 
 
 Mr. Davenport had consulted his watch 
 more than once, but the hint was not taken ; at 
 length he ventured to remind his friend of the 
 hour. Davenport had evidently partaken 
 enough of the entertainment ; he was a great 
 speculator, and, maybe, had some city appoint- 
 ment to attend; at all events, his head was 
 full of something. So the bride gave the sig- 
 nal and left the room, and her pretty maids-of- 
 honor rushed out behind her, and young Horn 
 went to make some arrangements for the 
 journey. 
 
 The guests repaired to the drawing-room, 
 with the exception of old Gombochick, who, 
 fatigued with his exertions, had fallen asleep 
 on his chair, and Davenport, who crossed his 
 arms upon the window and whistled, and 
 seemed intent upon his curricle.
 
 12 ROUGli AND SMOOTH. 
 
 The coteries up stairs discussed many per- 
 sons and things ; Miles Davenport afforded 
 much food for their remarks; some looked know- 
 ing, and declared that he was a disappointed 
 lover. Whilst others affirmed that he might 
 have married her if he had wished, and they 
 were not certain, between somebody and the 
 post, (not that they would be quoted for worlds) 
 that she might not have done better. They 
 all agreed, however, that Davenport was a 
 much better name than Horn. 
 
 " But what's in a name?" observed the Rev» 
 Tobit. 
 
 " A rose by any other name would smell as sweet !" 
 
 " But after all, who is ^Mr. Davenport ?" 
 *' Ah! who is Mr. Davenport?" echoed the 
 whole society. 
 
 " Come now, Mr. Hoskyns, you know every- 
 thing, tell us who is Mr. Davenport. He is 
 new to the city, I understand, and some say be
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 13 
 
 is not as wealthy as he would give you to sup- 
 pose !" said some one. 
 
 Mr. Hoskyns looked puzzled, and was be- 
 ginning to observe that he could lay no claim 
 to the distinction of knowing everybody or 
 everything, in fact the longer he lived, — 
 like the great Newton— the greater he dis- 
 covered his ignorance ; but the entrance of Mr. 
 and Mrs. Horn, in travelling costume, saved 
 him from any further apologies. The bride 
 looked charming ; so elegantly and simply 
 attired. 
 
 What affectation it is in those who pull down 
 the blinds of their carriage, and pretend to 
 seek retirement during the honey-moon, and 
 yet hang out their orange-flower banners on 
 their bonnets, and reduce themselves to walk- 
 ing advertisements of their altered condition. 
 
 " God bless you young people !" exclaimed 
 Mr. Hoskyns, " I dare say you are both in a 
 hurry to be off. We will give you a good cheer 
 from the balcony."
 
 14 EOUGH AND flOOMTH. 
 
 *' No, pray don't, my good sir !" said Adrian, 
 " I think we had rather — that is, if — " 
 
 ** Fiddlesticks I" shouted the energetic mer- 
 chant, ** all hands to the balcony 1" and he 
 threw up the sash and led the way. 
 
 There was a painful scene enacting on the 
 staircase — the parting of mother and daughter ; 
 sad experience dims the parent's eyes with 
 tears. The separation was for a very brief 
 period, but in such a case the mother feels, 
 doubtless, that her daughter has sworn to obey 
 another, and that when the husband's duties 
 commence, her influence ceases. 
 
 A post chariot, hired for the occasion, was 
 at the door ; the maid had already clambered 
 up to the rumble, and the last band-box was 
 snugly stowed away by the officious ostler. 
 
 "Hoorah! Hoorahl'* roared Mr. Hoskyns 
 from the balcony. 
 
 " Brayvo, old 'un !" cried the boys in the 
 street, and tossed their hats in the air — the 
 band approached nearer, and struck up '* Happy,
 
 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 15 
 
 happy pair'* — the hurdy-gurdy was ground to 
 the utmost — Mr. Punch's establishment ex- 
 erted itself with increased vigour— Davenport 
 rushed to the door and handed Mrs. Horn to the 
 carriage — Adrian followed, looking half ashamed 
 of the sensation he had occasioned— a sharp 
 dig of the spurs, and a cut of the whip sent 
 the post-screws off with a flourish, and away 
 went Mr. and Mrs. Horn I 
 
 Mr. Davenport's curricle was next put in 
 requisition, he jumped lightly in and dashed 
 off at a glorious pace, without having taken 
 the trouble of returning to the other guests. 
 The obese timber merchant's slumbers were 
 undisturbed, even by the waiters clearing 
 away, and emptying down their throats the 
 residue of the champagne ; at length the shrill 
 tones of his wife resounded in his ear and with 
 the usual dig in the ribs he was awoke 
 and carried off in one of the flys at the door. 
 In due course of time the other flys found 
 their occupants, and jolted them over the
 
 16 ROUGH AND SxMOOTH. 
 
 stones to their destinations. The housemaids 
 then withdrew their heads, their best caps were 
 carefully laid by for the next occasion ; they 
 then betook themselves to their duties — empty- 
 ing slops, and vigorously punching feather- 
 beds into shape — and there was gloom again in 
 Gower Street.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 17 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Bare mention only, as yet, has been made of 
 those who played the most conspicuous part in 
 that morning's entertainment, our opening 
 scene to the public — viz. — the bride and bride- 
 groom ! They require a more formal introduc- 
 tion. Let's begin in propria quae maribus. 
 
 Once upon a time there was a merchant 
 named Horn ; he married a wife, who had the 
 advantage of a good face, but with not much 
 else to recommend her. He was supposed to 
 be well to do in the world, for he was able to
 
 18 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 live part of the year at a very pretty place of 
 his own on the banks of the Thames. 
 
 Mrs. Horn had no wish for a family, but 
 when a fine boy was born to her one day, the 
 mother's feelings were awakened, and she 
 hailed the new-comer with wild delight. The 
 infant required all her care, for he proved deli- 
 cate ; he was a most engaging child as the 
 nurse fully attested, for she declared she bad 
 no peace or rest, but he turned out a beauty, 
 and Mrs. Horn felt exalted as she displayed 
 her treasure to her admiring kinsfolk and 
 friends. 
 
 This good lady had her weak points ; she 
 was vain. The patronymic of her husband 
 even, offended her — it was not aristocratic ! 
 " Horn !" she would say, with a sneer, and 
 she wondered how she could ever have resigned 
 herself to such a name. She wauld have 
 changed it, if she could. It was no consola- 
 tion that her husband assured her that his 
 family was old, and had held lands in Kent for
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 19 
 
 generations! Her prejudices were associated 
 perhaps with "The Horns'* of Kennington, or, 
 for aught we know, with " The Kussian Horn 
 Band!" At all events, the term has generally 
 more objections for the husband than the 
 wife ! 
 
 Mrs. Horn had determined to qualify, as far 
 as lay in her power, the ill-favored sirname to 
 which her darling was heir, by pre-fixing the 
 prettiest Christian name that she could. The 
 selection gave her a world of trouble, and she 
 thumbed the leaves of Shakespere and all the 
 poems and romances that she could lay hands 
 on, before she settled upon that of Adrian. 
 
 All that Mrs. Horn now required to crown 
 her happiness was a help-meet for her pet-boy, 
 in the shape of a beautiful little sister. How 
 proud she would then be of such a pair I After 
 that, her ne plus vUra, she fervently hoped that 
 her productiveness might cease. 
 
 A part of her wishes was granted. She had 
 but one more child, but that was another boy
 
 20 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 a great bouncing fellow, who came into the 
 world with a squall, and was not likely to 
 leave it again without a monstrous hard strug- 
 gle. He gave his mother a great deal of 
 trouble at first, and none after, for he required 
 no care ; there was therefore not the same in- 
 terest that existed in the case of the delicate 
 first-born. The mother was thoroughly disap- 
 pointed ; in full expectation of a daughter, she 
 had prepared the loveliest of names for her ; 
 she lamented that this new brat was not even 
 a favorite of Providence, or it might have 
 been caught up and made happier elsewhere ! 
 
 Shakespere and the novels and poetry-books 
 were cast aside, and allowed to resume their 
 former state of oblivion. The father, however, 
 had bethought him of the name, and he ex- 
 pressed a wish that the new-comer might be 
 called Richard, after an old friend of his in 
 India, a certain Mr. Brown. The affectionate 
 mother replied, that she really had not troubled 
 her head about his name ; she thought Richard a
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 21 
 
 very ugly one, but that it would do very 
 well! 
 
 Years rolled on, and the brothers became 
 little boys, and naturally great bores. When 
 they were together, a row was sure to ensue ; 
 but no child could be better behaved than 
 Master Adrian ; as for poor Richard, he had 
 no friends; — yes, one — Sally, the general ser- 
 vant — who took to him because nobody else 
 would ; but she, however, with all her par- 
 tiality, could only affirm that he was a good 
 boy — when he was asleep ! Mrs. Horn's 
 health became somewhat impaired, and her 
 nerves were more sensitive ; the little fellows 
 were too much for her ; and so they were both 
 destined for a preparatory school. Mrs. Horn 
 thought Adrian too delicate to leave home, 
 and wished that Kichard only should be 
 despatched ; but the father thought otherwise, 
 so they had the advantage of fighting one an- 
 other all the way to Blackheath.
 
 22 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 The boys were as opposite in disposition as 
 they were in appearance. Adrian was a pale, 
 interesting-looking child, with very gentle 
 manners, he alway looked very clean, a rare 
 quality in the eyes of nurse-maids, and his 
 mother always asserted that you could see that 
 he was a gentleman's child at a glance ! Now 
 the other certainly was a common-looking, red- 
 haired, square-built little rascal. He had al- 
 ready acquired the soubriquet of " Dirty Dick," 
 he was never fit to be seen when the bell rang 
 to summon them to the drawing-room, and the 
 nurse had prognosticated that that ** Richard 
 would never come to no good !" . 
 
 There was a reason, which has not been as 
 yet mentioned, and that was, when Richard 
 first made his unwelcome debut in this sublunary 
 sphere, Mrs. Horn, either from disinclination or 
 inability, declined affording him those maternal 
 advantages which she had bestowed so abun- 
 dantly on his brother, consequently a foster-
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 23 
 
 mother was put in requisition for Master 
 Richard, a healthy country wench, who lived 
 not far from their villa on the Thames. 
 
 At school the little boys still maintained 
 their characteristics. Adrian was esteemed by 
 the master, for he gave little trouble, was quick 
 at learning, and did credit to his instructions. 
 Now the other was a naughty boy, often in 
 mischief, and hated his books. He and the 
 authorities were continually at logger-heads, 
 and many a time at the antipodes. With his 
 school- fellows he was a favorite ; he was very 
 generous in his dealings; and boys naturally 
 feel an admiration at the dawn of a manly 
 spirit. 
 
 But Adrian before long acquired a bad name 
 in the school; he was proved to have told 
 tales, and the boys began to bully him in con- 
 sequence. Richard would not stand that ; his 
 warm blood fired up in a moment. " Touch 
 me, touch my brother I" He warned them 
 to insult his brother at their peril Several
 
 24 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 terrific combats were the consequence, in which 
 he generally came off victorious. One urchin 
 continued his taunts, and hit Adrian a cowardly 
 blow ; red-haired Dick — who happened to be 
 handy — was at him in a moment, and ad- 
 ministered such chastisement that the boy was 
 carried senseless to bed. Master Richard was 
 soundly flogged next morning, and sent home 
 to his parents in the afternoon. 
 
 His social position was not improved by that 
 move; he found " domus et placens uxor^' any- 
 thing but agreeable. Luckily, papa was out 
 all day, so he skulked about the house and kept 
 ». out of sight of fond mama. Whenever feasible, 
 he effected a sortie at the back door, and got 
 out to play with the boys. He longed for his 
 brother to return for the holidays, fur it was a 
 dull life he was leading now, at best. 
 
 Mrs. Horn went away one morning, on pur- 
 pose to bring Adrian home, and there was 
 quite an excitement in the household on the 
 day that he was to return. But Richard found
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 25 
 
 that this event produced no amelioration to 
 him ; on the contrary, the marked difference of 
 the parents in their treatment of the two sons 
 deeply wounded his feelings, and aggravated 
 his lot. To be- sure, on the first day they were 
 both allowed to dine with their father and 
 mother^ Richar^ being specially admonished as 
 to his face and hands, and conduct on the occa- 
 sion. After dinner, Adrian displayed a book 
 neatly bound in morocco, which he had won as 
 a prize. This produced some very invidious and 
 unjust remarks levelled at the unfortunate 
 Kichard, by Mr. Horn, who perhaps had not 
 troubled himself to enquire into the facts of the 
 dismissal of his younger son from " Mr. and 
 Mrs. Shufileton's Preparatory Academy for 
 Young Gentlemen." 
 
 Richard was only detained at home until 
 another school could be selected, nor was it 
 long before he was despatched to one presided 
 over by a Mr. Whackem — an unprepossessing 
 name for a pedagogue. This establishment 
 
 VOL. I. c
 
 26 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 comprised boys of larger calibre, so Dick re- 
 tained his fighting reputation, although he often 
 was severely pummelled in return. The mas- 
 ter likewise entertained the opinion that a boy, 
 particularly such a one as this — as also in two 
 other instances which are proverbial — the more 
 you beat him the better he'd be ! Little Dick 
 had brought his character with him, and very 
 special directions as to his treatment, in a letter 
 from his father to Mr. Whackem, who appears 
 to have given such satisfaction, that in due 
 course of time, when Adrian had outgrown the 
 prescribed age for the Shuffleton Seminary, he 
 was consigned to the care of this worthy man 
 for higher cultivation. 
 
 Dick was the best-hearted fellow imaginable ; 
 he was now a great favorite, and he was de- 
 lighted to welcome his brother once more as a 
 school -fellow, although there was so little com- 
 munity of feeling between them ; in fact, 
 Adrian was more like a finished little gentle- 
 jnan than a school-boy, and only required a
 
 EGUGH AND SMOOTH. 27 
 
 starched neck- cloth and a long tailed coat to 
 complete the character. Wherefore he became 
 an especial butt, and a fit object of all bullying, 
 despite his brother's presence. 
 
 Some of the boys had brought large plumb- 
 cakes with them from home. One boy had 
 fallen sick from a repletion of cake. Mr. 
 Whackem apprehending that other boys might 
 do the same, and that they sat up and ate their 
 cakes at night, which they kept snugly stowed 
 away in their boxes, made a seizure of these 
 valuables, and deposited them, for safe custody, 
 in his larder, intending to dole them out gradu- 
 ally. 
 
 This was pronounced the most abominable 
 injustice, and unheard of tyranny. Such a 
 thing was never known before at Whackem's — 
 that the boys should be deprived of their cakes I 
 Dick was furious ; he proposed a plan for re- 
 covering the treasures, and letting old Whackem 
 know that they were Britons, and not to be 
 done ! He communicated his project to some 
 c 2
 
 28 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 of his chums, and the attempt was to be made 
 that night. 
 
 The school was hushed for the night, and the 
 lights extinguished in proper time. The con- 
 spirators were to arouse Richard, who slept in 
 another apartment, when the time was ripe for 
 the expedition. It seemed, however, to their 
 wicked imagination, that it would be very good 
 fun to play off a trick on ** Mr. Finniken," as 
 they had christened Adrian, and make him the 
 scape-goat. So they stole quietly to Adrian's 
 bed, and rolling him up in the sheet on which 
 he lay, the poor boy, frightened out of his wits 
 and sleep, received gentle hints that he had 
 better not make a noise. 
 
 He was borne along as noiselessly as possible ; 
 and it must be explained that there was an 
 outside stair- case to their doruiitories, which 
 led to the garden, and the larder was close by 
 at the back door of the kitchen. When they 
 had descended, they unrolled the mummy-like 
 figure, and presenting him with the key (of
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 29 
 
 which they had previously somehow surrep- 
 titiously possessed themselves) they ordered 
 him to unlock the larder and bring out the 
 cakes. The trembling victim refused for some 
 time, and even tried to make a bolt, but it was 
 to no purpose, and perceiving that measures 
 were being precipitated for enforcing obedience, 
 he did as he was ordered. The young rascals 
 relieved him of his burden, and having recapitu- 
 lated to him the dreadful punishment and 
 agonizing tortures which would be inflicted on 
 him, if he dared to whisper a word of the tran- 
 saction, they slipped up the steps as quickly as 
 possible, leaving him to follow. 
 
 Richard was then aroused, to attend the feast 
 in their room ; but when he learned that the 
 fun was over, his own project acted upon in 
 his absence, he was violently enraged and indig- 
 nant. During the lengthened discussion that 
 ensued, old Whackem made his appearance in 
 the centre of the group ! 
 
 He said little (it was quite enough) he was
 
 30 ROUGH AXD SMOOTH. 
 
 quite understood, and his words were full of 
 direful import. Whackemj in his night-cap was 
 a spectre awful to contemplate ! 
 
 Next morning, after prayers, the names of 
 all those in that dormitory were called over, 
 and were arrayed for judgment before Whack- 
 em's tribunal. As they arose, Adrian received 
 a few significant glances from the conspirators. 
 
 " Now, my fine fellows," that was the mas- 
 ters' s favorite expression whenever he intended 
 mischief, " now then, my fine fellows," he re- 
 peated, looking his worst, " who put you up to 
 this consummate piece of wickedness, such as 
 the laws of our common country would take 
 cognizance of as burglary — as a felonious entry 
 into an enclosed — hem — an enclosed larder, 
 who are the ringleaders ? '* 
 
 No answer, of course. 
 
 " I pause for a reply," resumed the pompous, 
 sententious Whackem, looking round. " Xo 
 honest voice among you ? then I must sentence 
 the whole lot to bread and water, and confine-
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 31 
 
 ment to school, until somebody speaks ! Re- 
 tire to your stools with ignominy. Ignotum 
 pecus /" 
 
 The next morning at the same hour, the same 
 ceremony was gone through, with the addition 
 of one of Whackem's best rods being placed 
 somewhat ostentatiously on his desk. 
 
 " Now, my fine fellows," he began, '' if you 
 are not yet starved into honorable feeling, we 
 must try if Doctor Birch, in addition to low 
 dietary, will elicit your sweet voices. Prepare 
 to be flogged all round." 
 
 Adrian began to cry ; it certainly was hard, 
 very hard upon him, so it was upon Richard. 
 
 *' Yes," continued the implacable judge, " I 
 was sorry to see you mixed up in this nefarious 
 transaction. Horn major, I had hoped better 
 things of yoM." 
 
 Adrian whimpered again — Richard could 
 bear this no longer, he stepped boldly forth, 
 even up to the awful desk ! 
 
 " Please, sir," said he, " I planned it — "
 
 32 EOrOH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " You did, you young rascal, did you ? I 
 thought as much-—" 
 
 » That is, sir—" 
 
 ** Not a word, sir," roared out the infuriate 
 master, " you are adding insolence to crime !" 
 
 As quick as thought he rushed at the boy, 
 and seizing him by the collar of his jacket, 
 flofrsed him all round the room. Dick fell to 
 the ground ; when he recovered his feet, he 
 made a rush at the door, but his pursuer was 
 on his heel, — brought him up and belaboured 
 him again. Dick felt less inclined than ever 
 to cry " Peccavi^'' he pushed his fist into the 
 master's eye, and broke his spectacle. Whackem 
 was an athletic man, and was at him again and 
 again — the boy was overpowered, and the 
 master blown. 
 
 Master Dick was next consigned to a dark 
 room, and the lock was turned upon him. He 
 could not be kept without air for ever, but the 
 first chance afforded to him, he started on his 
 legs and bolted slick away from Whackem's
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 33 
 
 polite establishment. There was a hue-and- 
 cry — boy lost ! They hunted everywhere, 
 the orchard and the gooseberry bushes, under 
 the kitchen dresser, in the dog-kennel on the 
 leads — no truant to be found. 
 
 Richard made the best of his way to town ; 
 his father's house was closed — ** gone to the 
 country ;" he went on there, on, on — it was a 
 long journey — but he got there at last very 
 much exhausted, he surprised his parents, but 
 he met with no welcome, no pity. He showed 
 his father the wales all over him, traces of 
 the bitter punishment he had received ; but 
 his father said no doubt he deserved it— at all 
 events he would express no opinion till he 
 heard from Mr. Whackem. 
 . A letter soon arrived ; he had been caught 
 flagrante delicto ; it painted his conduct in the 
 blackest hue ; all that could be said in his fa- 
 vor was, that with a cool superciliousness, 
 which would have done credit to a better cause, he 
 confessed his sin, when he could no longer con- 
 c 5
 
 34 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 ceal it. How differently had Horn major 
 behaved ; he wept but would not betray his 
 brother! In conclusion, Mr. Whackem had 
 every reason to anticipate that Horn major 
 would prove an honorable member of society, 
 but he feared that Horn minor, unless promptly 
 checked, would bring down his father's grey 
 hairs with sorrow to the grave. 
 
 Some men are born great, so Shakespere 
 says, and verily some are born unlucky, exem- 
 plified in poor red-haired Dicks case. His 
 was a very enviable position at home just then, 
 as may be inferred ! He dived out again at 
 the back-door, and found some playmates, one 
 in particular, in whose society he took special 
 delight, the son of his foster-mother, who was 
 almost his own age, and who was to be appren- 
 ticed in the sea-faring line; he had already 
 been up and down the river, and had been on 
 board a collier, and was, consequently, much 
 respected in his set. 
 
 Shortly after this, the family returned to
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 35 
 
 town, and Eicbard was carried along with them. 
 Mr. Horn was less at home than heretofore, 
 but his temper became more morose than ever. 
 Nothing could please him, not even his wife : 
 they often quarrelled. *' The Retreat " was 
 advertised for sale, and Mr. Horn was pro- 
 nounced to be in difficulties ! He could not 
 bear the sight of the boy, nor could he afford 
 to keep an idler in his house. Adrian was ex- 
 pected home almost immediately, but he did 
 not intend them to associate ; a boy who had 
 been expelled from two schools, was no fit 
 companion for Adrian. He did not know as 
 yet what to do with him, but he should send 
 him somewhere where Whackem's would be a 
 treat in comparison ! 
 
 One morning Richard was nowhere to be 
 found. His father, before he went out, ob- 
 served, that doubtless he had gone after some 
 of his blackguard friends, and that he was not 
 to have any breakfast if he returned. 
 
 The day wore away and still he came not.
 
 36 EOUGli AST) SMOOTH. 
 
 Evening closed in, and Mr. Horn returned 
 from the city, and he set his teeth when they 
 told him that Richard had not been at home ; 
 but his mother was alarmed, and she looked 
 out at the street door the last thing, and showed 
 a light, and that night she did not close her 
 eyes. 
 
 Richard had made away with himself-— he 
 was never seen by his parents again ! 
 
 Bitterly and deservedly their conscience 
 smote them ! yet still they had hope that their 
 son should be restored to them. No exertion 
 was spared, Bowstreet was informed, and " the 
 runners" put on the qui vive. Magistrates 
 were consulted— handbills with rewards were 
 circulated— newspapers scrutinized, particularly 
 among the " found drowned"' and "gone 
 astray " all to no purpose. Nurse said she was 
 sure " he would turn up, when one least ex- 
 pected it, like a bad halfpenny," and Sally de- 
 clared, with tears in her eyes, that *' it served 
 them right !*'
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 37 
 
 A few months afterwards, Mr. Horn was in 
 the hands of his creditors, and bankrupt in 
 health as well, he saved " the commissioners " 
 further trouble, by abandoning his mortal suit. 
 He paid the debt of nature, which was the last 
 claim he was likely to satisfy, and his lips mut- 
 tered *' Richard " ere they closed for ever on 
 this scene. 
 
 Within the twelve months, the heart-broken 
 wife was carried out and laid by her husband, 
 hoping to the last to see both her sons by 
 her bed-side. 
 
 The spoilt and petted Adrian was left alone, 
 and without any provision. The family had no 
 friends worth the name ; people who are 
 *' goiog down in the world," seldom have many ; 
 besides Mrs. Horn was considered too proud, 
 and Mr. Horn was very much blamed. 
 
 Mr. Moreton, then alive, was one of the 
 principal creditors, and he had compassion upon 
 the orphan boy ; he sent him back to school,
 
 38 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 and defrayed all his expenses, and when he 
 was old enough, obtained a clerkship for him in 
 the counting-house of his old friend Hoskyns. 
 It was in this way that Adrian became ac- 
 quainted with his wife.
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 39 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Ellen Moreton was a sweet girl, nobody, not 
 even her oldest friend, had ever ventured to 
 say one word against her, there was nothing to 
 find fault with, she was not even too beautiful I 
 She was pretty, lively, rather delicate-looking, 
 and stood a trifle above the ordinary height of 
 women. Her hair was dark chesnut ; her eyed 
 were bright, sunny, innocent, fringed round 
 with deep lashes. The mouth, although we 
 cannot say that it left one nothing to de- 
 sire, was as perfect as Nature could fashion
 
 40 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 it ; the arm and the hand were models ; and if 
 you had good eyes of your own, and were in 
 luck, as she swept along the ground, you might 
 c atch a glimpse of, 
 
 '* About the prettiest ankle in the world." 
 
 Ellen was a great favorite everywhere, and 
 quite the pet of her set, which was a tolerably 
 extensive one. Where there was dancing, she 
 was in especial request, and the young men 
 crowded round her to secure her as a partner. 
 She was never known to flirt, she was without 
 coquetterie, and she was never supposed to 
 have shown a preference. Yet people said of 
 her that if she did love, it would be for a life I 
 There was decidedly some firmness mixed up 
 with the gentleness of her expression. 
 
 She had many admirers. It has not yet 
 been insinuated, that in addition to a thousand 
 personal charms, she had ten thousand pounds 
 of stock, secured to her in the three and a
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 4i 
 
 half per cent, consols ! Among the foremost 
 of her admirers was Miles Davenport. 
 
 He was heart and soul in love with her ! He 
 followed her everywhere — he beset her with 
 attentions — he played the amiable to her 
 mother — but his suit did not prosper. People 
 wondered at that, for he was " The Lion'* of 
 that society — there was something mysterious 
 about him — he had come from no one knew 
 where — he had lighted on his legs in the midst 
 of them, as it were, he dazzled with his appear- 
 ance, and was reported to be a Millionaire! 
 He kept an elegant house, and gave good din- 
 ners, he had a smart equipage, and rode fine 
 horses, and yet withal there was something 
 about that man to be mistrusted ! The young 
 ones said he was a great intriguer, and that he 
 was sure to succeed in the end. Davenport 
 was not a person to lose an opportunity ; 
 wherever Ellen was likely to be, there was he 
 sure to be found. She never stirred out of 
 doors, but he dashed by her in his curricle, or
 
 42 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 rode past on horseback. One day he had the 
 happiness to find her walking a short distance 
 unaccompanied ; he dismounted, and led his 
 horse by her side. Mrs. Horn was very angry 
 when she heard of it, and pronounced it to be 
 an act of unpardonable familiarity. But there 
 was no danger ; Ellen did not fancy him at all. 
 He was very agreeable, and very clever, and 
 all that, and yet he did not suit her taste. 
 
 Some kind friend informed Davenport that 
 he had a rival, and pointed out the pale-faced 
 Adrian. His reply was a sneer of bitter scorn, 
 and he said, that if he did not cut out that 
 insignificant little clerk — he would eat him ! 
 and he looked as if he could. Miles proposed, 
 and he was refused ! 
 
 The man was half mad at this — his passions 
 were violent — he had a severe illness — he had 
 never loved before as he did then, his feelings 
 were seared for ever — but it was all to no pur- 
 pose, it only made him miserable, and failed to 
 soften the young lady's heart. The fact was
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 43 
 
 Ellen detested Davenport — she was afraid of 
 him ; those dark eyes of his, seemed to 
 threaten, not to persuade. Mrs. More ton, if 
 possible, disliked him still more ; when his at- 
 tention to her daughter became so conspicuous, 
 she consulted Mr. Hoskyns, ever the confi- 
 dential oracle of the family ; he instituted en- 
 quiries about the young man in question, and 
 failed in discovering his former history ; but he 
 gained some insight into his mode of living, 
 and set him down as a profligate and an ad- 
 venturer, and consequently recommended Mrs. 
 jMoreton to have as little to do with him as 
 possible. 
 
 But Ellen preferred the solitary clerk, 
 Adrian Horn, above all others. There is no 
 accounting for these things. His quiet, inof- 
 fensive manner touched her heart, when the 
 better prospects and accomplisments of others 
 failed to make any impression. 
 
 He was a very irreproachable young man, 
 and had conducted himself with great pro-
 
 44 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 priety in his situation. Mr. Hoskyns had be- 
 haved very generously to him ; and having 
 now been some years with him, Adrian was in 
 receipt of a salary of three hundred per annum. 
 The worthy merchant had no great opinion of 
 his ability ; but he found him very tractable, 
 and he attended to the routine duties which 
 fell to his lot, with great precision. He never 
 was known to be a moment behind his time, 
 and his desk and papers were upheld as a 
 pattern to others.v^ It was Mr. Hoskyns' s 
 secret intention if he continued to deserve his 
 confidence, eventually to give him a share in 
 the business. 
 
 His increased salary admitted of a little fur- 
 ther latitude in his mode of living. Mrs. 
 More ton and others occasionally procured 
 him invitations, and gradually he worked his 
 little way, and it became rare if he were not 
 in the same society with Ellen and her mother. 
 When she was disengaged he would timidly 
 approach her ; if she were engaged, he would
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 46 
 
 sit down and watch her. Mrs. Moreton thought 
 favorably of him ; and all the old ladies said 
 that he was a very nice young man, and that 
 was about the extent of the general impres- 
 sion he had conveyed. 
 
 Somehow or other — no matter how — the 
 conviction forced itself into his stupid head, 
 that Ellen admired him. She had held do- 
 minion over his thoughts for years ; she had 
 been his dream of life, but one which he never 
 expected to be realized. He had been content, 
 hitherto, to admire her at a distance ; but now 
 his manner completely changed, he became a 
 different being. Heretofore he had been frugal, 
 almost parsimonious, he now thought it need- 
 ful to make a considerable outlay at his tailor's. 
 He wore smarter clothes, he sought society on 
 his own merits, and even went so far as to de- 
 cline some invitations. He passed his fingers 
 through his hair, and pulled up his collars when 
 he entered a room, and took up a prominent 
 position before the fire. He smartened up his
 
 46 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 two rooms, which up to this time were very 
 modestly furnished, he was glad to receive his 
 young friends there, and was known to have 
 given a supper-party. His patron had noticed 
 the change, for on two or three occasions he 
 had absented himself in the middle of the 
 day. 
 
 If all this was the effect of love, decidedly 
 his affection had taken a very strange course. 
 The fact was he was quite bewildered at the 
 discovery that he had made ; perhaps some of 
 his foolish acquaintances had joked him on the 
 subject. Adrian argued thus with himself: 
 that to hold the first place in the consideration 
 of Ellen Moreton was a distinction eagerly 
 sought after, and earnestly to be desired, and 
 if he could supplant the whole host of aspirants^ 
 with Davenport at their head, he had no reason 
 to think meanly of his own pretensions. 
 
 Young Horn's altered demeanour gave one 
 the idea of a person suddenly aroused to the 
 consciousness of hitherto having deserved the
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH* 47 
 
 name of "" spoon," but who was desirous that 
 henceforth he should be esteemed the " fast 
 man " of the party. 
 
 Adrian paid more attention to MissMoreton, 
 and with greater confidence laid himself out to 
 please. One evening, when they were cooling 
 themselves after the exertions of a warm dance, 
 in a retired corner of the room, he took courage 
 and breathed the first whispers of his love. 
 The ice once broken, he poured forth his 
 heart's aspirations with an eloquence and 
 rapidity which astonished him. He assured 
 her how she had been the idol of his thoughts 
 for years, by day and by night. The realiza- 
 tion of his hopes he scarcely dared to contem- 
 plate ; it seemed too great happiness. He was 
 quite alive to her superiority — he had nothing 
 to offer but his devotion, his undivided love, 
 that he threw at her feet. His was an undying 
 attachment ; if she spurned it, he should live 
 on still, in secret and in misery ! 
 
 Such are lovers' vows ! Happy those, whose
 
 48 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 conscience acquits them of having promised 
 more than they can fulfil. 
 
 The young lady was taken by surprise ; her 
 cheeks were crimsoned in a moment, and her 
 heart beat violently. She did not know what 
 to say, and it required all her resolution to 
 prevent the tears from gushing out, but she 
 did not look displeased I She did not expect 
 this, she told him she had ever felt a great re- 
 gard for him — she had known hira so long. 
 He had better talk the matter over with her 
 mamma ! 
 
 And so he did ; and she was furious at the 
 idea of the thing ! He ought to have known 
 his position better : she had always felt a great 
 interest in his welfare, and should continue to 
 do so as long as he deserved it : and poor dear 
 Mr. Moreton had acted a father's part towards 
 him; but this would never receive her consent, 
 and she advised him to think no more of it. 
 He could consult with her guardian, Mr. Hos- 
 kyns, on the subject, if he thought proper.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 49 
 
 Young Horn saw that he had been too pre- 
 cipitate ; he called himself a fool ; he was very 
 sorry to be cut off from his lady-love, but he 
 should keep his counsel and say nothing about 
 it to old Hoskyns. He reckoned there with- 
 out his host, for the worthy gentleman made a 
 point of speaking to him about his presumption, 
 as he termed it. He was equally surprised 
 with Mrs. Moreton, he said, at what had oc- 
 curred ; he had thought better things of him ; 
 if he desired to retain his good opinion, Horn 
 had better return to his desk and duty, and 
 give up philandering about with young ladies, 
 who could only laugh at his infernal presump- 
 tion ! 
 
 Such was Mr. Hoskyns' advice, however un- 
 palatable to the young man, who easily per- 
 suaded, and devoid of much independence and 
 energy of spirit, would soon have sunk to the 
 indifference of ordinary life, had not his smart 
 acquaintances got hold of him and jeered him 
 and told him to keep his "pluck up," and 
 
 VOL, I. D
 
 50 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 "never to say die," that** faint heart never 
 won fair lady,*' and so forth ! 
 
 At this epoch of his career, Davenport sought 
 his acquaintance ; what object he had in doing 
 60 was not apparent at the time, seeing that 
 hitherto he had not concealed the contempt he 
 felt for Adrian, upon whom he scarcely deigned 
 to bestow a frown as he brushed by him. The 
 bare fact of their being disappointed suitors for 
 the same hand would scarcely induce much 
 cordiality, yet it was not the man's character to 
 do anything without a motive. Perhaps he 
 had become suddenly apprized of Horn's merits, 
 and heard that he was a good fellow, and that 
 his rooms were a pleasant resort. 
 
 Adrian had made the good resolution In his 
 mind, after his conversation with his employer, 
 to abandon his companions, and forswear the 
 expenditure he had lately adopted, and he hoped 
 by avarice to be enabled some day to command 
 the admiration, from which his penury appeared 
 to debar him. But he was so elated at the
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 51 
 
 patronage bestowed upon him by such a dis- 
 tinguished member of society, that all his proper 
 resolves were knocked on the head. Daven- 
 port, who was employed in the city, used to call 
 daily for Horn after business hours, and drive 
 him in his curricle to the west-end. He even 
 invited the flattered clerk to dine with him 
 tete-a-tete, where Adrian was quite delighted at 
 the style of his house, and they passed a most 
 agreeable evening together. They even dis- 
 cussed Miss Moreton — a very delicate subject 
 for gentlemen in their relative positions ; but 
 Davenport handled it in such a straight-for- 
 ward, honest, manly way, that Horn could not be 
 otherwise than charmed. After the second 
 batch of Port, they became very confidential ; 
 Davenport avowed admiration and great respect 
 for the lady in question, he had soon perceived 
 that he was, for some reason or other unknown 
 to him, an object of aversion to the mother and 
 eminently so .unsuccessful with the daughter, 
 D 2 
 
 IIMn/rr»«..
 
 52 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 that he saw the prudence of abandoning the field 
 
 to more fortunate competitors. So satisfied was 
 
 he with the course he had pursued, that he hoped 
 
 he should be the fiirst to congratulate Horn if 
 
 he carried off the prize — he considered they 
 
 were made for each other, that he did ! 
 
 "And don't forget, old fellow," exclaimed 
 
 Miles, " to invite me to the wedding !" 
 
 Before they separated that night, Horn had 
 
 imparted to his new friend the history of his 
 
 hopes, and fears, and jealousies, and sleepless 
 
 nights, and the part that Hoskyns had taken 
 
 in the matter. 
 
 Davenport had long suspected that Mr. 
 Hoskyns had been mainly instrumental in 
 poisoning the ladies' minds against him — he 
 owed that gentleman a grudge, and his eyes 
 quite flashed at the mention of Hoskyns's 
 name. 
 
 *• I tell you what," said he, " I caution you 
 to beware of that old fellow ; I believe him to
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 53 
 
 be an officious, meddling, sneaking, mischief- 
 maker !" 
 
 Horn was quite surprised that this had never 
 occurred to him before, because now that 
 Davenport had mentioned it, he was certain it 
 was so. 
 
 The friends separated, apparently better 
 satisfied each with the other. They made 
 plans for the next day, and the next, in fact, 
 there was scarcely a day on which they did 
 not meet. Davenport had quite gained Horn's 
 confidence, and he consulted him on every ma- 
 terial point, which was generally as to the line 
 of policy to be pursued towards Gower 
 Street. 
 
 Ellen had been looking ill for some time — 
 there was a very visible alteration in her ap- 
 pearance ; at last, she ceased from going out 
 altogether, and there were rumours that Mrs. 
 Moreton intended to take her abroad. 
 
 "Now is your time to make play!'* said 
 Miles Davenport to Adrian, one day ; ** fire off
 
 54 KOITGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 a shot at the old lady ! Write and tell her 
 with what unfeigned sorrow you have heard 
 that her daughter was ill — that it was too pain- 
 ful for you to approach the house — that she 
 could sympathise with your anxiety about the 
 welfare of one, with whom you have been so 
 long acquainted, and beg the relief of one line, 
 (not to hang yourself,) but to inform you as to 
 her well-being ! Stick in a little more flum- 
 mery with great respect, and then abide the 
 issue." 
 
 Horn did so, and awaited the result in 
 painful suspense. The answer arrived at 
 length. Mrs. Moreton would be glad to see 
 him ! On the wings of Love, he flew oflf there 
 directly, as nervous as it was possible to be, 
 but with a heart beating high. 
 
 Davenport lost sight of his friend for an in- 
 terval. One day Horn ran up to him, and 
 with a face all joy and smiles, he exclaimed, 
 
 *' Congratulate me, my dear fellow ! I am 
 about to become a happy man ! It's all your
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 55 
 
 doing, and I shall ever be grateful, and I have 
 told her so ! Mrs. Moreton has waived all per- 
 sonal objections, and has decided, she trusts, 
 for her daughter's happiness. And now 
 nothing remains but to fix the day! Oh! 
 dear, 1 am so delighted, I feel quite a different 
 person. Good bye, I haven't time for another 
 word, I am off there now !** and away he 
 started, almost before Miles could utter a word 
 in return. 
 
 There was an odd sort of expression about 
 Davenport's eyes, when he received this intel- 
 ligence, and one of his own peculiar smiles 
 played about his mouth. Perhaps, now that 
 the affair was accomplished, there might be 
 some little heart-burnings at hearing that the 
 object of his former affections was about to be 
 carried off by another. 
 
 At length, the anxious lover pressed that 
 ** the day" might be named, that day which 
 the fair contracting party always deems it de-
 
 56 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 corous to delay, and soon after they might 
 have been seen walking arm-in-arm, looking 
 as foolish as lovers only can look, and fully be- 
 lieving that the eyes of every one were upon 
 them — they bashfully entered a jeweller's- and 
 fitted on the bright circkt — a solitary link of 
 that golden chain which is designed to bind for 
 a life ! 
 
 Davenport was included among the few in- 
 vited to attend the wedding. There was some 
 opposition when his name was proposed ; many 
 objections were urged — it was awkward for all 
 — it might be painful for him — but Horn was 
 obstinate ; he told them that they did not know 
 what a kind-hearted person he was, and how 
 sincerely he desired their happiness. 
 
 Adrian delivered the note into Davenport's 
 own hands, who thanked him, and said he 
 should certainly attend to it, and he offered 
 his services in any shape that they might be 
 required.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 57 
 
 *' People often dislike boring their friends 
 to accept thankless offices, which often entail 
 trouble, — but I — being tolerably acquainted 
 with business — beg you will not scruple to 
 make me trustee or executor, or anything else. 
 If I give satisfaction, I may hope some day to 
 be promoted to the dignity of God-papa !" 
 
 Adrian seized his hand, exclaiming, ** kind 
 fellow! kind fellow! that's what I call a real 
 friend ! At present you shall not be bored, for 
 Messrs. Gombochick and Hoskyns are trustees 
 for my wife's property, all the money is settled 
 upon her, and as far as my principal is con- 
 cerned, you may imagine that it has not given 
 the lawyers much trouble !" 
 
 "One more thing," said Davenport, delaying 
 him, and using a little hesitation in his speech ; 
 *' You will not be angry, I am sure — if you 
 require a little ready money just to start with, 
 pray apply to me. At all events, forgive 
 this piece of advice, never borrow, but of a 
 friend I"
 
 58 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 Adrian thanked him again and again, but 
 declined his kind offer, and they met on the 
 morning of the wedding-day. 
 
 And now by a very circuitous route, we 
 have arrived at the point from which we 
 started.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 59 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 We lost sight of our happy pair, (not the 
 posters, be it understood) on their way out of 
 Town. That first journey, under such altered 
 circumstances generally proves a silent one, 
 especially, perhaps, to the Lady Traveller. The 
 excitement of preparation — the labour of the 
 Trousseau — is past. The leave-taking — hur- 
 ried at the moment — has its melancholy share 
 of thought, and that home, which, for the 
 future, is not to be the same home to them ! 
 They almost start to hear themselves called by
 
 60 EOUGU AKD SMOOTH. 
 
 another name, although perhaps that name has 
 been in secret the treasured idol of years, and 
 with all their fondness and loving-kindness, 
 there must be mingled some doubts and fears 
 as to the new mode of life upon which they are 
 entering. 
 
 They had made choice of Kent — smiling, 
 hopping, verdant Kent — for their experimental 
 ramble, and Seven-oaks was their first resting- 
 place. They were early on foot next morning, 
 it was not that the novelty of a walk before 
 breakfast had been the sole cause of bringing 
 them forth at an unusual hour, but the sun 
 shone so brightly at the windows of the inn, 
 and there was such crowing and fluttering of 
 poultry in the yard, such a stamping of horses 
 being cleaned, such frequent demands for John 
 ostler, which if not instantly attended to, his bell 
 was set — a ringing till he came — then the Lon- 
 don coach drove out from under the archway, 
 and the teams of other coaches were marshalled 
 — that there Wcis little merit in being matinal.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 61 
 
 the seven sleepers themselves would not have 
 closed an eyelid since daylight ! 
 
 Ellen leant upon her young husband's arm 
 as they strolled along. They enjoyed that 
 morning's walk. The air felt soft and balmy : 
 
 " How different,'^ they observed, " to that 
 of smoky, foggy, murky London." 
 
 They wandered along the hedge-sides, and 
 over meadows, and they brushed the dew from 
 the butter-cups, and they returned with very 
 un-romantic appetites for breakfast. 
 
 Those only who have been long caged in 
 London, can feel the exquisite enjoyment of a 
 peep at the country ! 
 
 Knowle Park was visited in the course of 
 the morning, and then they were carried on to 
 Tunbridge Wells. It is a charming country, 
 all this. While dinner was in preparation, 
 they had time to explore the Furze Common, 
 and they walked upon the dejected Pantiles, 
 and sUred in at the shop- Aindows, whose pro- 
 prietors seemed to have no further business
 
 62 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 than watching the passers-by. Adrian and 
 Ellen flattered themselves that they were mis- 
 taken for old stagers, but it required not a mo- 
 ment's thought to detect them. You could 
 see that the indifference of years had not 
 schooled her to rest listlessly on his arm, but 
 she hung upon it lovingly, and he pressed it to 
 his side, and doubtless her hand felt the throb- 
 bing of his heart ! 
 
 Happy honeymoon, if you did but last for 
 ever! 
 
 They were quite pleased with one another. 
 Adrian declared that she was made for him, 
 (rather egotistical that idea) and she declared 
 that he was the only person in the world for her. 
 In short, they were, as is usual in such cases, 
 ** all in all" to one another ! And there was 
 a fortuitous unison of thought, and a sympathy 
 of feeling which was quite delightful 
 
 *' How I should like to live in the country !" 
 exclaimed Ellen, on their way to the High 
 Rocks.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 63 
 
 " The very thing I was just going to say, 
 dearest !" replied he. 
 
 " But, Adrian, I should wish to be quite in 
 the country, where I have never lived yet. I 
 mean where no houses are to be seen ; not a 
 neighbour within miles; nothing visible but 
 green hills and trees, and nothing stirring but 
 shepherds and milk-maids and cow-boys ! That 
 is my idea of the perfection of a country-life ; 
 fancy you and me being together in some such 
 beautiful country !" 
 
 The little lady was growing quite excited in 
 her rhapsody of rural felicity. 
 
 *' Bravo ! Mrs. Horn !" said Adrian, laugh- 
 ing, " you are quite eloquent. 1 have not had 
 much experience of the country, but I com- 
 pletely coincide with your visions of rustic 
 bliss. By Jove, I hate the thought of being 
 chained down to London, pa\ing stones and 
 dirty brick houses, and never having a chance 
 of seeing sky-blue, except in the milk-women^s 
 pails ! It is horrible ! What do you say to
 
 64 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 filling up our time in this neighbourhood, and 
 let us enquire if there is a cottage to be hired 
 for a few weeks ?" 
 
 Ellen, of course, jumped at the idea. They 
 questioned the waiter at dinner, and he de- 
 clared that his master had a little seat, which 
 would suit them to a turn, " sitivate in a most 
 romer antic part of the country, and enjoying 
 most extensive views. Shall I send master 
 A up, sir?" 
 
 The landlord appeared— he informed them 
 that it was a very small house, in fact, it had 
 been a farm-house, and he had embellished it 
 at considerable expense, but it was quite 
 adapted to receive a small family of distinction. 
 He used to take his children there — it was such 
 a healthy spot, and the country round it was 
 certainly beautiful ! 
 
 They liked the description of it better and 
 better, they soon came to terms with the pro- 
 prietor, and he was to write that night to the 
 persons in charge to prepare it for their arrival.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 65 
 
 and they were to take possession the following 
 day. 
 
 Next morning, immediately after breakfast, 
 they were en route to their temporary country- 
 seat, which possessed the tempting denomina- 
 tion of " Cowslip Farm," so eager were they 
 to realise their visions of bliss. 
 
 It was a beautiful drive. Their road lay 
 through Frant. It is not on record whether 
 the genius loci, the great artist in black cats 
 and velveteen chimney-sweeps, was at that 
 time known to Fame ! How all the country 
 seemed to smile ! Doubtless, the face of nature 
 wore the same garb as usual — rich as the 
 banks were with primroses, and the hedges 
 with blossoms— but the happy mood of our 
 lovers reflected everything in couleur de rose ; 
 when people are determined to be pleased, 
 they are easily satisfied. 
 
 But, their driver had descended to open a 
 gate, and then they entered a thick wood. 
 When they emerged from that, " Cowslip
 
 ^S ROUGU AMD SMOOTH. 
 
 Farm" lay before them, they both exclaimed, 
 as they caught sight of it, 
 
 " How lovely I beautiful ! The very thing 
 for us!" 
 
 It was certainly a pretty cottage, set in one 
 of the fittest nooks imaginable. There was 
 every advantage of scenery of wood and water, 
 rocks and glades. They crossed a little bridge 
 which spanned the stream, and a few minutes 
 more brought them up to the door. 
 
 A fat, jolly-looking farmer's wife welcomed 
 them, she assisted in lowerino^ the luijorafre, 
 and then tossing a heavy portmanteau on her 
 broad shoulders, trudged up-stairs before the 
 young people to show the bed-rooms. 
 
 They ran all over the house — which did not 
 consume much time — and they were delighted 
 with it. Everything looked so clean, and was 
 80 sweet too, for there was a rustic verandah 
 all round, crowded with creepers and sweet- 
 briers, and roses and honeysuckles, and, of 
 course, spiders !
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 67 
 
 Then the stout wife of the house did the 
 honors of the dairy, and the poultry-yard, and 
 the piggeries ; she stared with astonishment at 
 many of the questions propounded to her, in 
 fact, next to her peas and geese— she had quite 
 settled the point in her own mind — they were 
 the greenest young creatures she had ever be- 
 held ! They might have heard of a pig in a 
 poke, but whether they had ever seen one in a 
 stye, was a matter of grave uncertainty. 
 
 After that they proceeded to scramble up the 
 steep hill at the back. It was such hard work 
 and so hot, yet they shouted and laughed. It 
 was very slippery too, and Adrian had to give 
 his hand to pull up his companion sometimes ; 
 then there was such a view from the top ! On 
 their right there was a rocky ridge, a barrier 
 against the north ; looking south was a rich, 
 cultivated country, interspersed with woodland, 
 and bounded by some hills in the distance. 
 Here and there the eye caught sight of the 
 modest spires of the village churches, and the
 
 68 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 occasional mansions of the affluent were not 
 lost to the scene, and the little river could be 
 traced in its windings, as it glittered in the 
 sunshine. 
 
 The dinner was the next pleasurable occupa- 
 tion, and there was no lack of wholesome fare. 
 Mrs. Collins's chickens did credit to her feed- 
 ing, and the little pig had not died in vain. 
 Then came another stroll in a different direc- 
 tion, and when the day was well-nigh spent, 
 Adrian sat out in the balcony and listened to 
 the music which his wife was endeavouring to 
 extract from a somewhat infirm piano. 
 
 Thus innocently and noiselessly fell the foot 
 of Time. There was not a dull hour to that 
 happy couple, and days closed in before they 
 seemed to have opened. This healthy life was 
 planting roses in the young woman's cheek, 
 and gave them spirits to enjoy everything. 
 Farmer Collins had taught Adrian to fish, and 
 a supply of trout was often the result of his 
 successful essays.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 69 
 
 A fortnight had flown past, and they were 
 entering upon the third week. Each day's post 
 bore a letter from Ellen to her mother, descrip- 
 tive of their happiness ; and every day brought 
 a letter in return. The old lady was now en- 
 quiring when she was to expect them, for she 
 fancied they had been absent long enough. 
 
 One morning, they sauntered down to the 
 stream as usual, Horn was trying to lure the 
 trout with a ]May-fly, and Ellen, with her 
 work-basket, was seated on the mossy bank. 
 
 *' I'll tell you what, dearest," said Adrian, 
 after some time, giving up his rod, and throw- 
 ing himself down by her side, "the more I 
 think of that gloomy London, the greater re- 
 pugnance I feel at returning to it. That odious 
 counting-house life of mine, too, ugh ! how I 
 hate business of all sorts ! To have to sit all day 
 on a high stool, with a long pen, poring over 
 other people's accounts, is interesting !" 
 
 "Yes, we shall often regret these bright 
 hours,'* she re^jlied, with a sigh. " If my dear
 
 70 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 mother were not there, I should never care to 
 see London again !" 
 
 *^ If we lived in the country, Mrs. Moreton 
 could pass part of the year with us, and we 
 could visit her in town." 
 
 *' I should not like to live in the country, 
 unless you could be with me there always." 
 
 " But I would be there with you always. 
 What if I resign my clerkship, and devote my- 
 self to you, instead of to my desk ? "Would 
 that be a bad exchange, eh, Mrs. Horn ?" 
 
 *' I hope my husband will be able to do that 
 under any circumstances," she answered, look- 
 ing up affectionately at him. " As to the clerk- 
 ship, I fear that you are not rich enough to be 
 independent." 
 
 '' Fancy us ! " he interrupted, '* with a place 
 of our own, our pigs, and ponies, and 
 poultry." 
 
 " It is most tempting ! " said Ellen as she 
 dropped her work on her lap. 
 
 *' 1 am quite sure," resumed he, looking like
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 71 
 
 one who had resolved a difficult problem in his 
 head ; " that your income would be ample for 
 us. In the country we could live so economi- 
 cally, we should require so little — look at what 
 we should save in dress alone, a straw hat and 
 a shooting jacket is all that I should require." 
 
 *' My dear Adrian ! " said the bride blushing 
 and smiling ; *' And what economical costume 
 do you design for me ?" 
 
 Her fancy may possibly have wandered from 
 these pictures of rural felicity to visions of the 
 garden of Eden, with our first parents in easy 
 deshabille ! 
 
 "I believe I could now prove an useful 
 house- wife, for I have learned a great deal from 
 Mrs. Collins. I would make any sacrifice to 
 keep you at home." 
 
 " There would be no a&crifice required ; we 
 should be better off than ever. But, pray are 
 you afraid that I should fall into mischief, by 
 your anxiety to keep me at home ?" 
 
 He took her little hand and bore it playfully
 
 72 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 to his lips ; but we will not pursue the con- 
 versation any further — perhaps it is hardly fair 
 to so young a couple. We will leave them on 
 the mossv bank, with the babblinoj stream at 
 their feet, and the green tree waving over 
 them. 
 
 The fatal morn at length arrived, when they 
 were to bid adieu to the charms of Cowslip 
 Farm. They quitted it with great regret, but 
 with the joyful hope, as many others do who 
 Jeave the bright things of the earth, of meeting 
 something more pleasant elsewhere. This was 
 their consolation as they drove off on their road 
 to London. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Collins, whose attentions had 
 been well rewarded, bowed and curtseyed at 
 the door, a ponderous nosegay was handed in 
 by the female functionary, which was intended 
 as an offering to good mamma in town. 
 
 The rain fell in torrents as they drove into 
 London, the first they had encountered since 
 their departure. They thought this a speci"
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 73 
 
 men of what they had to endure, fancying that 
 it was as sun -shiny as ever at The Farm. 
 
 Mrs. Moreton had been anxiously awaiting 
 their arrival long before the hour they had 
 mentioned. Nervous as old ladies always are, 
 particularly when guests are expected, she and 
 her house-keeper had been fidgetting in and out 
 of the rooms all day. 
 
 " There they are !" exclaimed the anxious 
 parent aver the blinds in the dining-room. 
 " Rush out and open the door, TimmoDs." 
 
 "Dearest mother!" — " My darling child!'* 
 and they were fast in each other's arms. 
 
 " How well you look. The country air has 
 done you good, I daresay." 
 
 " Yes, mother, and we have been so happy." 
 
 " Bless you, dearest Ellen, may you long 
 continue so." 
 
 VOL. I.
 
 74 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 CHAPTER Y. 
 
 ** I cannot think that either of you are fitted 
 for a country life," said Mrs. Moreton to her 
 daughter, as they sat discussing their projects 
 over their work next day. 
 
 " If you had but seen us at Cowslip Farm, 
 my dear mother, you would think differently, 
 we were so happy ! You allow that I am look- 
 ing in improved health ?" 
 
 *' The change of air has certainly been bene- 
 ficial to you ; but because you have been very 
 happy for two or three weeks alone in the
 
 ROUGH AND S3IO0TH. 75 
 
 country, that is no reason for supposing that it 
 would always agree with you. Neither can 
 you expect to lead that sort of life for ever. 
 Believe me, dear Ellen, your husband would be 
 the first to complain of the solitude. Idleness 
 is a dangerous state to all, especially to young 
 men. A man must have occupation; Adrian 
 has always been accustomed — " 
 
 "But surely, Mother mine, there would be 
 plenty of occupation for him. He would have 
 to walk with me, and to teach our children, to 
 manage the hout-ehold, and to make the most 
 of our little fortune." 
 
 Mrs. Moreton shook her head. 
 
 "As for the children — it appears to me that 
 you are counting your chickens rather prema- 
 turely — they may never arrive ; and if they 
 do, they cannot require their father's tuition 
 for some years, and it certainly seems an odd 
 way of making the most of a little fortune by 
 proceeding at once, voluntarily and most un- 
 ;jecessarily, to lop off three hundred a year! 
 E 3
 
 76 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 But if you are so determined to live out of 
 Town, why not begin in the neighbourhood ? 
 Nowhere will you find prettier rural scenery 
 than at Hampstead, and Highgate, and Clap- 
 ham, and all around. Adrian could corae up 
 every morning to his office ; and if you were 
 very desirous of a long walk, you might meet 
 him, and return together." 
 
 "Oh! mother," said the daughter, laughing, 
 ** you have drawn a picture of rural felicity ! 
 A walk home to Clapham in the dark !" 
 
 " Anything is better than that Adrian should 
 resign his situation. It was considered the 
 greatest piece of luck his obtaining it, and it 
 will appear very ungrateful to Mr. Hoskyns 
 to resign it. Can you reconcile to yourseU' 
 that he should abandon the advantages of his 
 employment for the selfish gratification of an 
 occasional walk with you, and in his supervi- 
 sing the weekly bills, which ought to fiiU to 
 your share? Should you be favored with those 
 children, which you appear to count upon sp
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 77 
 
 securely, you will not find your income ade- 
 quate then, however sufficient it may appear 
 for present purposes. No ! take my advice, 
 Ellen, remain here with me. I will in no way 
 interfere with your plans, and content your- 
 selves with a jaunt into the country, whenever 
 Adrian can be spared from his avocations." 
 
 Mamma Moreton spoke like a book, there is 
 no doubt about it. She had served her appren- 
 ticeship, and a pretty long one too, to the 
 world, and old ladies wax crafty in their age. 
 Ellen had always paid the greatest deference 
 to her mother's opinion ; she refrained from all 
 reply, on the present occasion, for the best of 
 all reasons, because she had nothing to say ! 
 
 At six o'clock, the well-known knock was 
 heard, for which Ellen had often so anxiously 
 waited. She rushed out of the room to meet 
 her husband with all the eagerness of first love, 
 and they entered the drawing-room together. 
 Adrian was quite exhausted with his day's
 
 78 ROrGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 work, the routine of office had become Insuf- 
 ferable to him. 
 
 " Oh !" he breathed out with a sigh, as he 
 sunk into an easy chair, '' how I longed for 
 fresh air, as I sat at my desk, and a walk with 
 you in the green fields ! The confinement has 
 already given me a sad head-ache !'* 
 
 '* You look quite pale and fatigued, dearest 
 Adrian !" and his attentive wife sprinkled Eau- 
 de-Cologne on his temples, and blew upon them. 
 
 In the evening, the arguments were re- 
 sumed, Mrs. Moreton had a majority against 
 her. The young people seemed so bent on 
 their project, and Ellen threw her arms so 
 lovingly around her mother's neck, that the 
 old lady, although unconvinced, gave in, and 
 forbore from further opposition. 
 
 It was agreed then, thnt in the event of 
 their finding a suitable country residence, Horn 
 should resign his clerkship. INIrs. Moreton was 
 to pass the summer with them, and they the 
 winter months with her.
 
 HOUGH AND SMOOTH. 79 
 
 Adrian was all amiability. Was there 
 worsted to be wound — his hands were imme- 
 diately extended in readiness — was there a 
 commision to be executed, he was oft before 
 they could ask him. They never went out in 
 the evening ; they were so happy at home ; 
 Adrian read aloud, or music was put in requi- 
 sition. So domestic had he become, that he 
 seemed to have forgotten all his old friends, 
 Davenport and others, which was a matter of 
 no trilling congratulation to the ladies. 
 
 His spare time was employed in scanning 
 the advertisements in the newspapers, anu 
 in making the tour of the house-agents. Mrs, 
 Moreton had stipulated that they should select 
 an easy distance from town, but their search 
 was fruitless, and they were growing impatient; 
 in fact they almost despaired of obtaining the 
 object of their wishes. 
 
 Horn was sitting one morning with the 
 broad-sheet of the *' Times " in his hand await- 
 ing the descent of the ladies to breakfast.
 
 80 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 « Hulloa I" said he, " what do I see ? * The 
 Retreat^ Sandford, Kent^ to be let or sold !' 
 Can I believe my eyes?" 
 
 He rushed to the door, and called out on the 
 staircase with all his might to his wife to come 
 down as quickly as possible. 
 
 ** What is it, dear Adrian, anything hap- 
 pened — what is the matter?" enquired she, 
 entering the room a few minutes afterwards. 
 
 '' Glorious news, that's all," he exclaimed, 
 '* such a piece of luck! Here's The Retreat 
 in the market, the ancient seat of, you know, 
 my ances — my father ! Listen to this — * Ro- 
 mantic Villa on the hanks of the Thames?*^ 
 
 Here Mrs. Moreton made her appearance, 
 (having hurried herself incontinently to Mrs. 
 Timmons' discomfiture, who had in consequence 
 pricked her finger three times,) in order to ren- 
 der any assistance that might be required. She 
 looked rather disappointed at finding that the 
 subject of excitement was only an advertise- 
 ment of a house.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 81 
 
 ^* Good morning, dear madam, you need not 
 look so frightened. Listen to this announce- 
 ment!" 
 
 He commenced reading aloud again : " Pic- 
 " turesque Villa on'the Banks of the Thames. 
 " To be let or sold, furnished or unfurnished, 
 " with immediate possession, a most desirable 
 " residence, adapted for a small family of dis- 
 *' tinction. It is called * The Retreat,' and is 
 " situate near the delightful village of Sandford, 
 *' at an easy distance from Gravesend, and 
 ** twenty-five from London. This little * bijou' is 
 " pronounced by judges to be * uuique ;' it has 
 *' highly ornamental grounds sloping to the river, 
 " and is a most complete residence, with a 
 '' gravelly soil." 
 
 " Are you not delighted, Ellen ? What do 
 you think of the description ?" 
 
 " It sounds very well, certainly, and the 
 place would be doubly interesting to us, from 
 your having passed so many years of your 
 youth there."
 
 82 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " Well, the question for us to decide now is, 
 how soon can we get ready to go and look at 
 it ? You must accompany us, good mother-in^ 
 law, I shall be quite disappointed if you do 
 not," said Adrian, as he walked up and down 
 the room quite impatient to be o.ff 
 
 " I shall be very happy to accompany you. 
 If you have quite determined to live in the 
 country, I shall of course feel anxious to in- 
 spect your future residence, and shall be ready 
 on due notice," said Mrs. Moreton. 
 
 " That's all right! you can be ready in an 
 hour, I suppose?" asked the young man, 
 eagerly. 
 
 " In an hour I My dear Adrian, are you 
 mad ? Consider what a distance it is, beyond 
 Gravesend !" 
 
 " It takes no longer to prepare for a long 
 drive than a short one. Say the word, ma'am, 
 and I will run and order a fly and pair, and we 
 shall be back again by dinner-tiaie.'' 
 
 ** But the dinner is not ordered yet, and my
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 83 
 
 poor birds are not fed, and what would you 
 eay, Mimmjj if I were to leave you by surprise, 
 eh! Mimmy?" said the kind old lady, ad- 
 dressing her tortoiseshell cat, who inewed pit- 
 eously on being spoken to, and rubbed itself 
 against the le^s of the table. 
 
 There was a multiplicity of odds and ends 
 to be attended to ; elderly people do not like 
 to be hurried. Ellen interposed, and it was 
 finally agreed to start in a couple of hours. 
 
 The trio very much enjoyed the drive ; it 
 was all new to the ladies, and their cavalier 
 felt proud at being showman all the way. We 
 will, for brevity, omit his descriptions of the 
 route, and bring our friends at once to " the de- 
 lightful village of Sandford," a place of singu- 
 larly unprepossessing aspect. It consisted of 
 one long, straggling row of stunted, dirty, brick 
 cottages, built close to the water side — that is, 
 there was nothing between them and the river, 
 but the road and their little patches of slovenly 
 gardens, the railings around which were lament-
 
 84 ROIGH AND SxAIOOTH. 
 
 ably deficient. Here and there an aspiring 
 economist had succeeded in raising a few cab- 
 bages ; but the cocks and hens who were dust- 
 ing themselves in the neighbour's gardens, had 
 probably prevented any further horticultural 
 exertions. One proprietor, in lieu of greens, 
 had raised a summer-house, formed of a boat 
 cut in half, and was seated under its shade, 
 with his clay pipe, enjoying the otium cum 
 dignitate. 
 
 Along the bank were lying an heterogeneous 
 display of old iron, apparently discarded, two 
 or three rusty anchors, a small cannon, some 
 lengths of chain-cable, a few spars, probably 
 the property of the " Dealer in Marine Stores," 
 opposite. The last of the row of buildings was 
 the public-house ; it had once been white- 
 washed, but now the stucco of the walls had 
 fallen off in large patches. A flaunting sign of 
 " The Jolly Eovers," representing three cut- 
 throat looking ruffians shaking hands over a
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 85 
 
 foaming pot of porter, swung to-and-fro in 
 front. 
 
 About opposite to this house of refreshing 
 reunion, a crazj-looking wooden jetty protruded 
 itself a little way into the bosom of Father 
 Thames, and a couple of barges were moored 
 alongside of it. 
 
 Proceeding onwards, the road made a sharp- 
 ish bend inland, and the eye was more agreeably 
 entertained by a sight of the old church, with 
 its ivy -covered tower; a neat parsonage ad- 
 joined, and a few trim cottages clustered round. 
 Then there came a substantial, red- brick house, 
 with a bright green door, and a large brass- 
 plate, on which was inscribed, 
 
 " MR. COLES, SURGEON, ETC." 
 
 Adrian pointed it out as they drove past, 
 with a knowing look at his wife. 
 
 " You see, love, there is a doctor close at 
 hand, in case of need ! This little place, you
 
 86 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 must know," said he, addressing himself princi- 
 pally to his mother-in-law, *' was, in da) a of 
 yore, a noted resort of smugglers. Yes, madam, 
 many a bloody battle has been fought here 
 with the revenue officers ! In the vaults under 
 those ruins, which you can just see behind the 
 church, they used to conceal their tubs.'* 
 
 ** You don't say so, Adrian ! how dreadful !" 
 exclaimed Mrs. Moreton, turning up her 
 eyes. 
 
 *' But there are no smugglers, now-a-days, 
 dear mother," said Ellen, laughing. 
 
 " There is a grave under the yew-tree in the 
 church-yard, which is called ' The Smuggler's 
 Grave,' which I hope to show you some day ; 
 and there is a dreadful story about it." 
 
 " Thank you kindly, my dear boy," inter- 
 rupted the old lady, in a solemn tone of voice 
 "but 1 don't wish to see ' The Smuggler's Grave,' 
 nor to hear the story — I would rather not." 
 
 Mrs. More ton's face had elongated con- 
 considerably as they drove through Sandford.
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 87 
 
 She was evidently much disappointed at the 
 approach to " The Retreat," and the interest- 
 ing local traditions just communicated, had 
 completed her prejudices. 
 
 The road turned round again, and faced the 
 river ; they were ascending a gentle eminence ; 
 when they had crested it, Adrian, who was 
 stretched three parts of his length out of the 
 window, shouted out at the top of his voice : 
 
 " There's the house ! there's the dear old 
 place — ^just the same as ever ! Can you see it, 
 Ellen — is it not beautiful ?" 
 
 " It is, indeed — quite what I fancied from 
 your description," said she, surveying it from 
 the window. 
 
 Mamma begged for a peep, and she looked 
 out and allowed that it was a very pretty spot ; 
 but she w^aa not enthusiastic in her admiration 
 of it, as were the young couple. 
 
 Tiie fly was pulled up at the lodge entrance. 
 Horn sprang out and rang a peal at the bell ; 
 pushed the gate and found it open, so they
 
 88 KOUGU AMD SMOOTH. 
 
 walked in and approached the house, and he 
 rang again at the door, and then ran round to 
 look at the front. When he returned, the 
 ladies were parleying with a very respectable 
 looking person, who had appeared to their sum- 
 mons. 
 
 Ellen met him with a serious air. 
 
 " Only fancy, Adrian, we cannot see the 
 house without an order from the London 
 agents!'* said she. 
 
 "But we must see it ! We have come on 
 purpose," he exclaimed, addressing the woman 
 in charge. *' Why, bless me, it's Betsy Win- 
 ton ; how d ye do, Mrs. Winton ?" 
 
 " That is my name, sir ; but I have not the 
 pleasure of recollecting you." 
 
 **No? look again; you have often seen me 
 here before." 
 
 " Well, I do declare — I believe it is Master 
 Horn." 
 
 " I thought you would recollect me ! Yes, 
 I am Adrian Horn ; why I should have known
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 89 
 
 you anywhere, Mrs. Winton, you are not in 
 the least altered." 
 
 " Thank you, sir !" said she, colouring 
 slightly ; " but you are very much altered ; 
 you were a flaxen- haired little bit of a fellow, 
 when I saw you last. Well, I am pleased 
 indeed to see you— it's quite like old times I 
 Walk in, pray do, sir, and the ladies." 
 
 " This is my wife," said Adrian, pointing 
 behind, as he entered the hall. 
 
 *'No! it is not I," said Mrs. Moreton, 
 laughing, for she happened to be following 
 next in succession, and the good woman looked 
 aghast at her, " I am the mother-in-law !" 
 
 " Well, it does make one feel old, when little 
 boys that we have dandled in our arms, are 
 grown up, and have wives !'* observed Mrs. 
 Winton, as she led the way into the drawing- 
 room, and throwing open the shutters, there 
 was such a prospect exposed to view, that they 
 all exclaimed at it !
 
 90 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 There was a broad lawn that sloped down 
 almost to the water's edge, bounded on either 
 side by rows of trees, little forests in them- 
 selves, that enclosed the confines of ** The 
 Ketreat." The river glided along with many 
 a little sail on its surface, and now and then a 
 lumbering merchant-man crept by slowly on 
 its course. A sunk wall terminated the lawn 
 at the bottom ; in the centre were a pair of 
 iron gates, giving easy access to the river, 
 and approached by a winding path through 
 the plantation on one side. Outside the 
 premises there was a narrow road, along the 
 banks. 
 
 " This was your poor mother's fancy-room, 
 Mr. Adrian ; and how pretty it used to be in 
 her time I Has anything been heard of your 
 brother ? How we did grieve when we were 
 told of his loss, he was such a favorite with us 
 all !" said the voluble Mrs. Winton ; and she 
 proceeded to wipe out her eye with the corner 
 of her apron.
 
 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 91 
 
 Horn winced at this remark. It was a sub- 
 ject to which he always avoided all allusion* 
 
 ** Nothing has been heard of him, I suppose, 
 sir?" continued the persevering dame. 
 
 *' No ! nothing — unfortunately nothing," re- 
 plied Adrian. 
 
 " He may be a great man, perhaps, by 
 this time, although he was always a regular 
 radical, was Master Richard ! My son often 
 speaks of him — they were like brothers." 
 
 Adrian grew red, and turned off the conver- 
 sation. 
 
 This Mrs. Winton was Richard Horn's 
 foster-mother. She was a native of Sandford; 
 her father had once been landlord of " The 
 Jolly Rovers." She had quitted the bar to 
 enter the service of Surgeon Cole, as nursery- 
 maid, (the father of the present owner of the 
 brass- plate.) She had a pretty face, and a kind 
 heart, which were not long unappreciated, for 
 a few years after she married a sea-faring man, 
 much older than herself. 
 
 AVhen the late Mrs. Horn sought the ser-
 
 92 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 vices of a wet-nurse, Betsy Winton happened 
 to be qualified for the situation, and at Mr. 
 Cole's recommendation, she was engaged. She 
 gave great satisfaction, certainly to her infant 
 charge, who never had to want for anything, 
 as the saying is. Afterwards old Cole had 
 taken her in hand as a pupil, and found her a 
 useful adjunct in his profession. She acquired 
 some celebrity, and " IVirs. Winton, the 
 monthly," became as well known in the neigh- 
 bourhood as the old church, or, as '' The Jolly 
 Kovers," in her attendance upon ladies, pro- 
 nounced to be in the desirable state of those 
 " who love their Lords," but which state when 
 oft repeated, becomes very questionable whe- 
 ther the Lords would not be better pleased to 
 dispense with altogether. 
 
 Her husband, generally termed Farmer 
 Winton, had served in the navy, and in a pri- 
 vateer ; and some hinted that he had been a 
 privateer in a small way, on his own account, 
 that is, he had owned a cargo now and then.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 93 
 
 and omitted the form of clearing out at the 
 Custom-house ! 
 
 Well, if it was to smugglinoj they alluded, 
 there was scarcely any one in his position that 
 had not occasionally turned his hand to that, 
 in those times, and nobody was thought the 
 worse of for it. 
 
 He was a good husband, and a good father, 
 so we can afford to throw a veil over his former 
 career, if it be necessary. He had been part 
 owner of a smack, and then he became sole 
 proprietor. By industry and care, he was 
 enabled, at length, to lay by a sum sufficient 
 to retire from his laborious profession ; he in- 
 vested his money in the purchase of a farm, 
 and having ploughed the main for so many 
 years, he found it on the main much easier and 
 safer to be ploughing his own fields. They 
 had two children living, a boy and a girl, their 
 eldest son they had lost. 
 
 The son followed his father's pursuit, he 
 took naturally to the water like a young duck ;
 
 94 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 and declared it was his own element. He had 
 already attained to the dignity of mate to a 
 merchant-brig, which was hourly expected up 
 the river, on her way to discharge her cargo at 
 Blackwall. 
 
 Adrian was quite happy in revisiting the haunts 
 of his youthful days. He ran through the house, 
 every room affording some reminiscence. The 
 dining-room opened into the drawing-room, at 
 the end of both rooms was a little conservatory, 
 and that was the extent of the frontage. 
 
 Mrs. Moreton, who was beginning to feel 
 fatigue, had at last arrived at the bedroom-floor, 
 which was the only story of the house. They had 
 assembled in the best bed-room, which Adrian 
 recollected had also been his mother's. Mrs. 
 Winton was at present in occupation, as her 
 work on the window-sill testified ; she informed 
 them that she had selected that room, and she 
 eat there all day with the window open, be- 
 cause it commanded the most uninterrupted 
 view of the river ; and she was continually
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 96 
 
 on the look-out for " The Saucy Jack ;" that 
 was the vessel in which her own precious boy 
 was sailing. She would know the old brig 
 among a thousand, they always hoisted their 
 private flag when they approached Sand ford, 
 but she would know it even without that, and 
 she took up an old telescope and had another 
 look. 
 
 " Yes I" observed she, after her scrutiny was 
 over, " some might have objected to sleep in 
 this room, after what has just occurred." 
 
 " What is that ?" exclaimed all the visiting 
 party in a breath. 
 
 •' Don't you know ? Why, I made sure that 
 you had heard iall particulars, why it was in 
 this very room that Captain Durnsford com- 
 mitted suicide, a week ago last Saturday !" 
 
 " Good heavens !" gasped out Mrs. Moreton, 
 " what a horrible place this is ! How did it 
 happen, my good woman ? pray tell us quickly." 
 
 " 1 can't tell you how it happened, ma'am," 
 answered Betsy. *' All that I know about it
 
 96 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 is, that he cut his throat, and Doctor Cole 
 sent for me to nurse him ; he lingered for three 
 days ; we did all we could for him, but it was 
 impossible to save him. It appears that the 
 poor gentleman had been very desponding for 
 a long time. His wife died of consumption 
 two years ago — ** 
 
 " Consumption !*' echoed Mrs. Moreton. 
 
 *' And since that he never has been quite in 
 his own mind. His only amusement was to 
 work in the garden ; he laid out a great deal of 
 money there, and you will find it is in beautiful 
 order. He was very harmless. He was buried 
 at night and without any ceremony, as he was 
 a suicide. After his death, the executors wished 
 me to remain in the house, and I was very glad 
 of it, for I long to have the first peep of my 
 dear Bobby !" 
 
 Next they descended to the garden, and they 
 insisted on dragging Mrs. Moreton with them. 
 Horn led the way to the kitchen garden ; then 
 they followed the path in the plantation. The
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 97 
 
 gravel walks were in beautiful order, and the 
 broad flower-beds did credit to the taste of the 
 deceased proprietor. 
 
 " Here," said Adrian, who preceded them, 
 ** we kept our bees — and this very little plot 
 was my garden, and — " they had now emerged 
 at the bottom of the lawn — " see, Ellen, on 
 those two stately elms we placed a swing—-" 
 
 Adrian stopped short — when his wife came 
 up to where he stood, she shrieked and ran 
 back. 
 
 " What is it, my dearest child ?" exclaimed 
 her mother, looking frightfully alarmed ; she 
 walked forward to ascertain the cause, but as 
 quickly retired. 
 
 *' There's a horrid sailor's head there," she 
 uttered to Betsy Winton, shading her eyes t*t 
 the same time, as if to get rid of the sight 
 that had pained her. 
 
 Mrs. Winton ran to the gate. 
 
 " 'Tis not my Bobby," said she ; ** but I tell 
 you what, that same man rang at the door-bell 
 
 VOL. I. y
 
 98 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 jUst before you came ; I ran down stairs in all 
 haste, thinking he might bring some tidings of 
 my boy. I fancied, at the time, that he looked 
 rather shyly at me — not honestly in the face ; 
 he asked me very civilly, if I would allow him 
 to walk round the grounds, as he had heard 
 in the village what had happened. I informed 
 him that ray orders were to admit no one, 
 ■without an order. Now, for what could such a 
 man as that wish to see the grounds ? however, 
 he walked quietly away." 
 
 On the waterside of those iron-gates, to 
 which allusion has already been made, there 
 stood a man — a short, square man, in a sea- 
 man's dress, gazing intently through the bars. 
 The striped shirt open at the collar, exposed a 
 thick, short, muscular neck, and a deep, 
 brawny chest. From beneath the broad- 
 brimmed glazed hat, which was placed sailor- 
 fashion quite at the back of the head, a shock 
 of sandy hair descended, shaggy whiskers of 
 the same material united under the chin, and
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 99 
 
 the upper lip showed symptoms of having 
 avoided the acquaintance of a razor for a 
 lengthened period. 
 
 Horn soon recovered from the start occa- 
 sioned by encountering so unexpectedly a 
 strange man's head. 
 
 " Don't be afraid, ladies," said he, ^' 1 will 
 soon send that fellow off. Oh I he is gone, 
 pray come on noAV I" 
 
 The man had disappeared as soon as he was 
 perceived. 
 
 " Why, you silly little woman ! the idea of 
 screaming at any man's face!" said Adrian, 
 putting his arm round Ellen's slim waist. 
 
 ^* Poor man I I dare say he meant no harm,'* 
 said she, having now recovered her com- 
 posure. 
 
 "No harm? What do poor men look at 
 grounds for ? I believe he is planning to rob 
 and murder you ! Are you not afraid for your 
 life, my good woman ?" exclaimed Mrs. More- 
 ton, turning round to Betsy. 
 F 2
 
 100 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " No, ma'am, indeed I am not," said the 
 other, smiling. " I am never afraid of sailors. 
 If you could but see my Bobby !" 
 
 ** 1 should be very glad to see your Bobby, 
 or anybody else's Bobby at the present mo- 
 ment ! And if 1 were you, Mrs. Winton, I 
 would not rest to-night, without having a 
 Bobby in the house !" said Mrs. Moreton, evi- 
 dently annoyed at the woman's misplaced self- 
 confidence, at which Betsy, to whom ihesi 
 words v\ ere addressed, laughed immoderately. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Horn walked on, admiring 
 every feature of the place (with the exception 
 of those which had so lately disconcerted them,) 
 but Mrs. Moreton, who followed behind, 
 several times turned round and cast furtive 
 glances at the iron gates, as though she ex- 
 pected to find the shaggy sailor still watching 
 through the bars. 
 
 They had now seen all, and more than some 
 of the party desired ; Adrian ran oflf in quest 
 of their conveyance. Mrs. Moreton, in liis
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 10 \ 
 
 absence, took her daughter mysteriously aside, 
 and whispered in her ear. 
 
 ''I do not wish to alarm that poor woman^ 
 my love ; but my firm opinion is that we be- 
 hold her for the last time ! It seems impossible 
 to arouse her to a sense of her position. I don't 
 like the idea of suflfering the poor thing to have 
 her throat cut when it may be in our power to 
 avert it. You understand me, Ellen?'* said 
 she, looking very grave, and nodding towards 
 the lower gates. 
 
 " Oh ! mother — yes, I understand ; but how 
 can you entertain such dismal ideas?" replied 
 the young woman, hardly seeming to know 
 whether to laugh or look serious. 
 
 " Tell me, Ellen," again began the old lady, 
 speaking in a still more hollow tone, *' would 
 you like to live so near " The Smuggler's 
 grave ?" 
 
 She watched her daughter's countenance 
 with anxiety, hoping that, at length, she had 
 produced an impression. So she had, but it was
 
 102 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 not the one she had anticipated, for Ellen only 
 laughed. 
 
 "It's no laughing matter, Ellen, I assure 
 you, and if you did your duty to your neigh- 
 bour as to yourself, you would leave Adrian 
 here, to sit up all night with the poor soul !" 
 
 " No I mother, thank you, not for teu thou- 
 sand worlds !" but here Horn appeared and an- 
 nounced the fly, and that there was no time to 
 be lost. So Mrs. Moreton proceeded to take 
 her final adieu of Betsy Winton, who expressed 
 her warm hopes that they might speedily re- 
 turn as the tenants of " The Retreat." 
 
 Adrian and his wife talked busily ; they 
 were planning how they should arrange the 
 rooms, Mrs. Moreton was tired and said little, 
 but the church-yard and its ruins and tomb- 
 stones, were not passed unobserved by her. 
 Not long after, a prolonged snore told them 
 that the worthy mother had sunk insensibly 
 under the charms of Nature's grand restora- 
 tive.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 103 
 
 It was late when they reached Gower-street, 
 and they enjoyed the meal that awaited them 
 — save Mrs. Moreton; by her countenance 
 she seemed to 
 
 ^* Have supped full of horrors," 
 
 and as she took her candle, her parting words 
 were; 
 
 " Ugh I I shall never forget that horrid 
 man's ugly face!"
 
 104 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Adrian Horn lost no time in making applica- 
 tion to the Agents, who were instructed to 
 offer the eligible property of " The Retreat." 
 He was referred by them to the solicitor to 
 the executors of the unfortunate suicide, who 
 informed him that the price of the estate was 
 two thousand pounds, and this low sum was 
 named in order to insure a speedy sale. 
 
 It was a very low price for a fancy place of 
 that description, and. was something less than
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 105 
 
 half of the sum his father had received for it. 
 
 However, the sale could not be completed 
 just then, for there were legal difficulties, the 
 probate of the will had not yet been proved, 
 but the solicitor told him he had no competi- 
 tors, and he doubted not but that time was his 
 only impediment. 
 
 So Adrian left quite cock-a-hoop with his 
 bargain, and rubbed his hands with glee at his 
 success, which he took not a little credit to 
 himself for attaining. Fortunately he had fal- 
 len into the hands of respectable people, who 
 had settled upon a sum which they considered 
 a fair price for the estate. Had he had to deal 
 with a sharp practitioner, his manner would 
 have betrayed his eagerness to become the pur- 
 chaser at any price within his meaus. 
 
 So for a while, awaiting his emancipation, he 
 returned to his desk at Mr. Hoskyns', and plied 
 the long quills most distastefully, and looked 
 upon ledgers and foolscap with increased dis- 
 gust. Mr. Hoskvus regretted the step which 
 r 5
 
 106 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 the young man had taken, and certainly had 
 strong grounds of annoyance in not having 
 been consulted on the subject. He had been 
 for so many years Horn's only friend, and his 
 present position he owed entirely to him. It 
 was ungrateful decidedly, but the good mer- 
 chant, much as he felt the slight, said but little, 
 in fact that independent tone which Adrian 
 had assumed, and which was so foreign to his 
 former manners, was extremely disagreeable to 
 his benefactor. Miles Davenport had very 
 much contributed to this ; he had thrown out 
 insinuations against Hoskyns, and had inocu- 
 lated Adrian's ductile mind with prejudices. 
 
 Horn had repeatedly called upon the solici- 
 tor above-mentioned, to urge him to expedite 
 matters as much as possible. At length he was 
 informed that all preliminaries were arranged, 
 that he had only to transfer the purchase- 
 money, sign the deeds and take possession. 
 
 Arrangements had been completed for sel- 
 ling out sufficient stock to provide the two
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 107 
 
 thousand pounds. Hoskyns had represented to 
 Mrs. Moreton and also to Ellen, the injury they 
 were doing themselves by crippling their in- 
 come ; but when these remonstrances reached 
 Adrian's ears, he termed them an impertinent 
 interference. 
 
 A brief extract of the deceased Mr. More- 
 ton's will, will most succinctly explain the posi- 
 tion of his daughter's fortune : 
 
 " And I give £10,000 in the 3^ Consols, to 
 John Gombochick and William Hoskyns in 
 trust, to pay the Dividends or the other pro- 
 duce of the said Stock and securities into the 
 proper hands of my beloved daughter, Ellen 
 Moreton, or unto such person or persons as she 
 may appoint, to the intent that the same may 
 be for her sole and separate use. And in case 
 of her marriage that they shall hold the Stocks, 
 securities, &c., for such person or persons, and 
 for such Interests and purposes, and subject to 
 such povver and directions as my said daughter
 
 108 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 Ellen shall, notwithstanding, coverture from 
 time to time by any deed in writing, to be by 
 her signed, sealed and delivered in the presence 
 of, and to be attested by two or more credible 
 witnesses or by any V\ ill, &c., &c." 
 
 Forthwith, Adrian, impatient of delay, called 
 on the man of the law, with a cheque for two 
 thousand pounds; he received a formidable 
 weight of parchment, upon the wafer of which 
 he had been instructed to place his thumb, and 
 pronounce that to be his act and deed, and 
 " The Retreat '' became his own I The lawyer 
 congratulated him, and then handed him his 
 small account, in which every call, every en- 
 quiry, and every note was registered, his ex- 
 traordinary exertions to expedite matters were 
 recited ; and these, with the stamps, and an 
 investigalion as to the title of the estate, 
 amounted to two hundred pounds I 
 
 This was a damper on his spirits, for the 
 moment. The la^^yer begged that he would
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 109 
 
 take it home, and think of it at his convenience, 
 which Horn did, and his kind mother-in-law 
 advanced the money. 
 
 Next morning, he was stirring early, in high 
 spirits, and at Charing-cross he mounted to the 
 top of the " Heavy Rochester," which passed 
 through Gravesend. He then hired a gig, and 
 drove on to Sandford. He left his conveyance 
 at the Jolly Rovers, and walked on to take 
 possession of his estate. How fast he walked 
 and how long the distance appeared! He 
 planned and planned, as he almost ran along — 
 each idea dispelling the other as quickly as it 
 came. 
 
 He was there ; and gained admittance ; and 
 Mrs. Winton was as joyful as he — for the day 
 before, from her watch- window, she had descried 
 the " Saucy Jack," and she had waved a hand- 
 kerchief, and Bob had responded thereto with 
 his cap. The brig was in full sail, so she was 
 in great expectation that her son might be 
 enabled to return home on that very day, for
 
 no ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 he never delayed a moment more than was 
 necessary. 
 
 The new lord of the mansion was occupied 
 for some time in settling the destination of the 
 apartments, in company with Mrs. Winton, 
 whose judgment was very serviceable to him, 
 By-and-bye, he went over the grounds, to the 
 kitchen- garden, and peeped under the frames, 
 and looked in at the little hot-house, and then 
 he surveyed the flower-beds, and then he 
 crossed the lawn, and then — there stood the 
 self-same figure of the man still gazing through 
 the gates ! 
 
 Adrian stood still — the sailor had perceived 
 him— so he made bold to address him, although 
 he was aware that there was no assistance at 
 hand, if the fellow should have any evil inten- 
 tions, so he buttoned up his coat, that the glitter 
 of his watch-chain might not offer a temptation, 
 and approached the gates. 
 
 *^ My good man," began Horn, "do you
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. Ill 
 
 want anything? I saw you before, on this 
 spot." 
 
 *' I was only admiring the grounds/' said the 
 man, in a very humble voice. 
 
 " If that be your only intention — walk in," 
 said Horn, after a moment's hesitation ; he 
 produced a key from a bunch, unlocked a pad- 
 lock, and threw open the gate — hoping by this 
 manoeuvre to satisfy himself as to the strange 
 man's design, and wishing, in his heart, that 
 the parish constable might be making his 
 rounds in this direction, at the present time, for 
 the fellow was an ugly customer, in every sense 
 of the word. 
 
 "Thank you, sir,'^ replied the sailor, touch- 
 ing his hat, and he at once entered. 
 
 He turned to the right, where there was a 
 grass-seat, and threw himself upon it. He 
 scanned the garden, and then set his eyes 
 fixedly on the house. In his deep contempla- 
 tion, he was lost to the presence of the gentle-
 
 112 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 man, who stood eyeiDg him a fe*v paces 
 off. 
 
 The man seemed harmless enough, although 
 a horrid idea struck Horn, that the poor devil 
 might be mad ! He looked exhausted — he 
 might be hungry. His canvass trousers were 
 patched, and his jacket was terribly seedy and 
 thread-bare. 
 
 " / lived here, once," said the stranger, in 
 a melancholy tone, without turning his 
 head. 
 
 **You!" replied the proprietor. 
 
 " Yes ; but those I lived with are dead and 
 gone !'* 
 
 His head fell on his chest, and he brushed 
 away a tear with his hard hand. 
 
 There was silence again, for the man had 
 relapsed into reverie. 
 
 Horn stood by, rooted to the spot. A dread- 
 ful suspicion had come upon him. His heart 
 beat wildly, and there was a choking sensation
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 113 
 
 in his throat — he recognized his brother ! That 
 hair — that eye — there could be no mistake ! 
 To find him in such a plight !— he had taken 
 him for a robber — his wife and mother had 
 been horrified at his appearance ! How 
 ashamed he felt to own him! He thanked 
 his stars he was alone — he started at his 
 voice. 
 
 " I beg your pardon, sir, but may I ask you 
 one question," said the stranger turning sud- 
 denly round, * but it was his turn to be amazed 
 nowl He turned round on his seat, and sat 
 gazing open-mouthed, motionless on the other. 
 
 " Can it be ? — Yes, by heavens ! Adrian !" 
 he exclaimed, as he sprung forward and threw 
 himself on his brother's neck — and he wept 
 upon his shoulder. 
 
 Adrian trembled like the aspen, and winced 
 as though enduring the hug of a polar bear ; 
 he took this opportunity of glancing round, to 
 see if they were not observed.
 
 114 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 ** I am very glad to see you, Richard," ob- 
 served Adrian. 
 
 " Glad to see me ! why in this moment of 
 happiness, I forget all my sorrows ! Years of 
 hardship are repaid by seeing you ! Did you 
 not recognize me when 1 said I had lived here 
 before, for to tell you the truth, I scarce 
 looked at you, believing you to be a stranger, 
 so intent was I in thoughts of you, my brother, 
 and those who are gone to their long home?" 
 
 " I was not sure it was you — " 
 
 " Well, I am a good deal altered, I doubt 
 not, since I was wicked enough to run away — 
 I have bad a rough time of it. But what a 
 smart man you are grown, Adrian." 
 
 •* 1 am married, Richard — " 
 
 ** Married! how I should like to see your 
 wifer 
 
 ** You have seen her !" 
 
 '^ What the other day, when 1 was standing 
 at the gates, two ladies — a pretty young one ?"
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 115 
 
 interrupted Richard. Adrian nodded assent. 
 *' I was in hopes that I had not been observed, 
 for to say the truth, I am not very trim just at 
 present" continued Richard, looking down and 
 smiling at his nether garments, ** I was so 
 anxious to see thd old place — I came here on 
 purpose to try and find out something about 
 you — that I rang at the bell, and who should 
 answer the door but old Betsy Winton. I was 
 in a tremble lest she should discover me, but she 
 had no suspicion of who I was, I believe, but 
 she did not seem to like my appearance, and I 
 was so foolish I could not make up my mind to 
 ask a word about you." 
 
 " I fear,*' said Adrian, after consideration, 
 " I cannot ask you to call just at present — for 
 we are so unsettled.^' 
 
 " You cannot ask me to call !" said Richard, 
 slowly repeating his brother's words. " Is that 
 your only greeting of me, after all these years 
 of absence? You * cannot ask me to call!' 
 Is that the reception of your nearest and only
 
 116 ROUGH AN'D SMOOTH. 
 
 relative upon earth ? The brother you believed 
 dead, you are perhaps sorry to find alive again ! 
 I left you a boy, I find you a man — a prospe- 
 rous, married man — has the world taught you 
 cold-heartedness? The world has used me 
 hardly, since we parted ; but I would not 
 change with you — friendless outcast as I am I 
 You see I am a poor devil, so you despise me ! 
 For years 1 have had but one wish, to see you 
 again ; amidst all dangers and diflSculties, by 
 sea and land — when all was dark and gloomy, 
 one star shone out brightly in ray heavens, and 
 that was the star of my home ! Home I what 
 home is there for the broken-hearted ? Do you 
 think 1 came here to implore your pity — to 
 beg your charity, or to borrow your money ? 
 My prayer is heard, I have seen you again ; 
 and thus I take the last leave of my brother !*' 
 
 So saying, he flung the gate back on its 
 hinges, and strode away. 
 
 Adrian stood for a moment, uncertain how 
 to act. He thought he would run after him,
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 117 
 
 and call him back, and beg him to think more 
 kindly of him ; but when he had decided to do 
 so, Kichard could nowhere be seen. 
 
 " Well, it cannot be helped,'* thought 
 Adrian ; " perhaps it is best that it should be 
 
 80.'' 
 
 He returned slowly from the outside, and 
 locked the gates. But his spirits were de- 
 pressed ; there was a weight upon his mind ; 
 his conscience did not acquit him. He walked 
 back to the house, but breathed not a word of 
 his adventure to Mrs. Winton; and then he 
 walked on gravely and moodily to Sandford, 
 and he arrived home in Gower-street at 
 last. 
 
 His wdfe met him in the passage, and vowed 
 she would never let him stay away again so 
 long. 
 
 " And have you settled everything to your 
 satisfaction, love?" 
 
 "Yes, everything, and * The Retreat' is
 
 118 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 *' You are so much later than I expected, 
 that I feared something had happened," said 
 Mrs. Moreton, as he entered the dining-room. 
 " Tell me now first, dear Adrian, how is your 
 old nurse, Winton?" 
 
 *' Perfectly well, as far as I know." 
 
 " And her nights have been undisturbed ?" 
 
 *' I did not hear to the contrary,'* Adrian 
 answered, with a little impatience of manner. 
 
 " There, excellent mamma, allow that you 
 "were wrong for once !" said Ellen, laughing. 
 
 The old lady inwardly returned thanks. 
 
 "And the horrid sailor, you saw nothing 
 more of him ?'' 
 
 "He is gone." 
 
 " But did you see him ?" 
 
 "Nol" 
 
 He was false to his wife for the first time. 
 " Ce TLCSt que le premier pas qui coute.''' He 
 was allowed after that to attack the dinner 
 that was prepared for him, free from further 
 interrogatories.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 119 
 
 "You are not yourself to-night, Adrian. I 
 am sure something must have happened to you 
 to-day. Is there anything on your mind ?'* 
 enquired his attentive wife, as they sat later in 
 the evening, and she looked up in his face. 
 
 "1 was thinking of the new purchase— but 
 I own I feel very weary with my day's work." 
 
 Adrian tried to rouse himself, and to think 
 and to talk of other things ; but the image of 
 his brother still haunted him ; yet he kept the 
 secret to himself!
 
 120 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 The sound of the wheels w liich bore the elder 
 Horn from Sandford had scarcely died away, 
 when a small boat was rowed alonrrside the 
 jetty before-mentioned, as being in front of 
 " The Jolly Rovers."' One of the oarsmen 
 jumped ashore, and fastened the painter to a 
 stump, while the other steadied the little craft 
 with the boat-hook. They then handed a 
 young man on to terra-firma^ who wns sitting 
 in the stern-sheets with the tiller ropes in his 
 hands. He looked about thirty, perhaps some-
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 121 
 
 thing more, his face was bronzed with the sun, 
 but his cheeks were wan and hollow. The 
 blue jacket and loose trowsers announced the 
 sea-faring man; but "the cut of his gib," as 
 thej say, was of a higher rig than ordinary. 
 
 An anxious pair of mother's eyes was 
 watching the arrival, and from an upper 
 window of " The Retreat," a handkerchief 
 could just be seen, waved, no doubt, by Betsy 
 Winton's hands. 
 
 This then was Bobby, mate of ** The Saucy 
 Jack," of whom we have heard ah-eady several 
 times. 
 
 ** Step to * The Rovers,' my lads, and get 
 what refreshment you like, and I will come 
 down to you there." 
 
 '* Ay, ay, sir I" replied the men ; and the 
 mate walked oflf briskly in the direction of 
 " The Retreat." 
 
 He had not proceeded far, when approaching 
 footsteps, and his name pronounced, made him 
 turn quickly round. 
 
 VOL. I. O
 
 122 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 ** Hulloa !" shouted the mate, somewhat 
 startled. 
 
 " If you are not Bob Winton, my name is 
 not Kichard Horn !" said the latter, walking 
 up hastily to the astonished mate, with his hand 
 extended. 
 
 " Kichard Horn ! Can I believe my eyes ? 
 Are you really Richard ?" 
 
 ** I really am Eichard, commonly called 
 Dick, and I wish I was neither." 
 
 ** Bless me! Is it possible? Yes, I begin 
 to make you out, now. Well, 1 am d — d glad 
 to see you, and no mistake. Upon my life, I 
 thought you would turn up, some day. So 
 here you are — hull knocked about a little, 1 
 daresay — but timbers all sound, eh? A fid 
 o'paint would set you all smart again." 
 
 " Yes ; and the seams might be payed with 
 some advantage," said Richard, laughing, but 
 coloring at the same time, as he looked over 
 himself. 
 
 "Ah, you were a precious wild one, master 
 Dick r
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 123 
 
 " I am sure I am tame enough now, then, 
 Bob," said Horn, with a melancholy expres- 
 sion. 
 
 " What a number of years, since we met ! 
 Not since we went bird-nesting together — do 
 you recollect it ?'* asked the mate. 
 
 *' I should think I did, by token of the severe 
 thrashing the farmer gave me ; and 1 more- 
 over recollect that the other culprit, one 
 Robert Winton, ran away," said Richard, 
 smiling. 
 
 " I must confess to that ; but I flung a 
 shower of stones at old Hodge, from the back 
 of the hedge." 
 
 " Which as often hit me as him." 
 
 " I won't run away from you again. Til war- 
 rant — nor let you escape, either. Now, tell 
 me, what brings you here, Richard ? Where 
 are you staying ?" asked Winton, glancing at 
 his friend's thread-bare apparel. 
 
 " I am not staying anywhere in particular,'* 
 replied the other, with some hesitation. *' I am 
 G 2
 
 124 KOUGIl AST) SMOOTH. 
 
 going away immedialely — I only remained 
 here to see you." 
 
 " To see me ! You knew, then, that I was 
 expected ?" 
 
 *' They told me so at * The Eovers.' The 
 fact is, I came down here to try to hear of my 
 brother, having failed in gaining any tidings of 
 him in London. I saw your mother at the old 
 house ; she did not twig me, and lucky too, for 
 to say truth, I fear she would not think me 
 improved in my appearance, for my rigging is 
 not quite as taut as it might be.*' 
 
 ** Never mind that," said young Winton ; 
 *' an old face and a friend's heart are worth all 
 the slop-seller's spick-and-span clothing in the 
 world! And you could learn nothing about 
 your brother ?" 
 
 " I have seen him ; he is coming to live 
 there," replied Richard, pointing towards the 
 house. 
 
 "That is good news for you," exclaimed 
 Robert.
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 125 
 
 " Well, perhaps it ought to be ; but we 
 won't talk about that," and Richard brushed 
 his sleeve across his eyes. ** It is no use con- 
 cealing from you, Bob, times are very hard 
 with me. I have been an unlucky dog ; and I 
 am going to look out for a berth on board a 
 merchant." 
 
 " You are cut out for better work than that, 
 Richard. But can I not be of some use to you 
 in that line ? I stand well with my employers, 
 and as soon as we get a freight, we shall be off 
 again to the West Indies. But, Dick Horn 
 cannot be so changed as to pass by an old 
 friend's house without a hail ! You know that 
 my father and mother will be right glad to see 
 you — you were always a great favorite of theirs 
 — you won't refuse me, I hope ? I must now 
 go and see my mother ; afterwards, we will 
 walk over to Dumpton, and look up the old 
 governor. You must come and stay with me 
 there, and then you shall have the benefit of 
 my advice — for I am a terrible eea-Iawyer, I
 
 126 KOUGU AISD SMOOTH. 
 
 assure you ; besides, I can*t part with you till 
 we have compared logs- I've lots to tell you, 
 and I am most curious to hear all your adven- 
 tures." 
 
 " Bless you for your kindness, Robert : 
 you're as generous a hearted fellow as ever," 
 said poor Dick, stopping short, for they were 
 approaching * The Retreat;' "but I cannot go 
 any further with you. I cannot enter those 
 gates again; besides, I don't wish it known 
 that I return a beggar to these parts — my 
 brother is coming to reside here, it would not 
 be pleasant for him." 
 
 " Nonsense, Dick," interrupted the other. 
 " First of all, who the deuce will know you ? 
 and secondly, / won't peach, trust me for that I 
 Now can't you just wait until I have done the 
 dutiful to my mother. I sha'n't be long — and 
 then, we will have another yarn before we 
 part." 
 
 '* Very good, Robert, I can't say nay to you. 
 I shall be within hail, somewhere handy to the
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 127 
 
 yew-trees in the church -yard ; but promise not 
 to tell your mother." 
 
 " All right ! make sure of that. I'll be back 
 in a jiffey !" and he skipped away for the inter- 
 view with his parent. 
 
 Horn watched him, till he was out of sight, 
 with swimming eyes. How pleased his mother 
 would be to see her son, he thought, and alas ! 
 there was no one to welcome him. 
 
 He turned towards the church, with his head 
 bent down. It was impossible for him not to 
 contrast the honest, hearty welcome of his 
 Bailor friend, with the reception he had met 
 with from his long- sought brother! 
 
 Mrs. Winton, the commandant of the garri- 
 son of " The Retreat," faithful to her trust, 
 remained within its walls, but kept a sharp 
 look-out from a side-window. When she per- 
 ceived her son hastening along the road, she 
 rushed down stairs, and flew with open arms to 
 meet him. 
 
 <* Bobby, Bobby, my darling ! Here you are
 
 128 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 at last ! I have longed indeed for this happy 
 moment ! And you are quite safe and well? I 
 am sure I have prayed often enough for you !*' 
 
 How she hugged him, that fond mother, 
 sobbing and talking all the time ! Then she 
 held him at arm's length to admire him. 
 
 *^ You have grown thin, my dear boy ! Have 
 you been ill ? Come into the house and tell me 
 all about it." 
 
 She led him along as if he had been a two- 
 year old. He then underwent a maternal over- 
 hauling. He tried to laugh away his mother's 
 fears, but she pressed him hard, and he was 
 forced to admit that he had suffered from a 
 slight touch of "yellow Jack" in the West 
 Indies, and that he had afterwards caught cold, 
 but that he was now as well as ever, only a 
 little weak. 
 
 Betsy Winton's eyes moistened again, as she 
 recollected that a slight cold had been the first 
 symptoms of disease in the boy they had lost. 
 She earnestly hoped that Robert might be in-
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 129 
 
 duced to give up the sea ; he was ver^ precioua 
 to them, and there was plenty for them all to 
 live upon. 
 
 Bob was obstinate on this point, and declared 
 that he could not renounce his profession, that 
 he was never well on land, at all events, he 
 was pledged for another voyage, and when he 
 returned, they could talk the matter over 
 again. 
 
 The mother had a thousand questions to ask, 
 but the son taking advantage of her stopping 
 for breath, jumped up, and said he must be off, 
 as he had a friend waiting for him, who had 
 promised to accompany him to Dumpton, and 
 whom he hoped to retain there as a guest for a 
 few days. He promised to be over again early 
 to bring his mother home, (whose period of 
 watch and ward had nearly expired). So he 
 kissed his worthy parent again, snatched up his 
 hut, and ran away. 
 
 "Now, Bobby, pray do not run and heat 
 Gt 5
 
 130 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 yourself!" cried Mrs. Winton after her flying 
 offspring ; but he was lost to sight in less than 
 no time ! 
 
 He was afraid lest Richard should take ad- 
 vantage of the delay, and give him the slip. 
 
 He arrived panting at the yew-trees, and 
 for some time was confirmed in this opinion, 
 for he sought in vain. A loud groan close at 
 hand arrested his attention, and froze the blood 
 in his veins, with the conviction that his an- 
 cient playmate had committed suicide ! 
 
 On closer inspection, he was relieved from 
 his suspense, for there, amidst the long grass, 
 lay Kichard Horn, senseless to the pains of 
 life, wrapped in profoundest sleep, with up- 
 turned face and gaping mouth, snoring 
 mightily ! 
 
 Winton first went to *' The Rovers," to set- 
 tle the score of the two stout fellows, who were 
 carousing at his expense. They had belonged 
 to " The Saucy Jack," and were just paid off.
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 131 
 
 They hoped to serve in her again, and they 
 gave three hearty cheers for the mate as they 
 quitted the tavern. 
 
 He then rejoined his friend Dick, and they 
 started together across the fields to Dumpton. 
 The evening was fast closing in ; but there was 
 no danger of their missing the way, every 
 angle, and turning, and tree had been famili- 
 arised to them by juvenile exploits. 
 
 An hour's sharp walking brought them withm 
 the paternal enclosures. On the way, Winton 
 had been obliged two or three times to call a 
 halt to gain breath ; the earnestness of their 
 conversation made them forget the pace at 
 which they were moving. As Eobert stooped 
 to raise the latch of the wicket which led into 
 the garden, his companion begged that he would 
 remember to preserve his incognito. 
 
 Winton tapped gently at the door. 
 
 "Who's there?" cried a gruff voice trom 
 within.
 
 132 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " Two poor hungry sailors, come to ask 
 your charity," said Robert, in a feigned voice. 
 
 ** Here, Susan, child, open the door — no, 
 stop, I'll do it. Now then, let's have a look 
 at ye,** said the same voice, whilst the door 
 was being unbarred, *' if you are really poor, 
 hungry sailors — 1 don't know what brings 
 them here at this hour though — walk in and 
 welcome, but if you are skulking lubbers you 
 have come to the wrong box, that's all. Now 
 then," said old Winton, flaring the candle upon 
 Horn, who was foremost, '* you certainly look 
 like what you state ; what ship did you last 
 belong to ?" 
 
 " The ' Saucy Jack,' brig," replied Richard, 
 touching the brim of his hat with his fore- 
 finger. 
 
 " Oh, oh I and pray what is the mate's 
 name?" enquired the farmer, thinking that 
 question a clencher. 
 
 *' Robert Winton was the mate," replied 
 Richard in the same imperturbable tone.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 133 
 
 « Was ?"— the father's face fell. 
 
 " Ay, he was ! but he has cut and run, bolted 
 and got slick off, and letter E,. is placed against 
 his name — " 
 
 " You infernal rascal, I don't believe a word 
 of it, how dare you say he has run ?" 
 
 ** So he has, father, run home," exclaimed 
 Robert, darting forward, and throwing his 
 arms round his father's neck. 
 
 " My boy, my boy !" shouted the sire. It is 
 easy to imagine how warmly the greetings were 
 interchanged. " And who's this ? a ship-mate 
 of yours ?' ' enquired the old man. 
 
 " No! a friend. One Tom Bunker." 
 
 He was instantly made heartily welcome by 
 the Patriarch. 
 
 " Ha ! you young rascals, you thought to 
 bother the old one, eh? but he aint the party to 
 swallow one word against his boy. Bob !" said 
 the farmer, chuckling at his penetration. 
 
 Sister Susan, a very pretty blue-eyed girl 
 (not Mack-eyQdj as we have learnt to believe
 
 134 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 that most Susan's are) came in for a large share 
 of cordiality ; she was introduced in proper 
 form to Mr. Bunker, who not only had pre- 
 pared his best bow for the occasion, hut shook 
 her heartily by the hand. She then betook 
 herself to her duties, and bustled about, in 
 connexion with a small maid-of-all-work, in 
 preparation for the evening meal. 
 
 Soon all was in readiness, and they sat round 
 the table, a merry party. Old Winton was a 
 fine-looking man, much older, apparently, than 
 his wife. Our poor friend with the new name 
 required no pressing to do justice to the ample 
 fare, he declared with his mouth full to the 
 choking point, that supper was always his 
 favorite meal. Had he spoken as truly as his 
 looks did for him, he would have confessed that 
 this was his only meal of that day, for he had 
 arrived at his uttermost farthing I 
 
 Robert could not keep pace with his friend s 
 appetite, and that first directed his sire's more 
 particular attention to him ; he then perceived
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 135 
 
 that alteration in his appearance, which the 
 mother's more watchful eye had detected at a 
 glance. Robert declared, in reply to the 
 enquiries, that he was all right, though the 
 hard work lately might have pulled him down 
 a bit. He applied himself to a brown jug 
 which foamed with the home-brew, and as he 
 raised the frothy mixture to his lips, he drank 
 to his mother's health, and the toast went cor- 
 dially round. He thus withdrew the attention 
 from himself; he had an insuperable objection 
 to be looked upon as an invalid. 
 
 Mr, Bunker having made an end of ail 
 things, was complimented on his assiduity by 
 the hospitable 'landlord, who pronounced him 
 a creditable performer with his knife and fork, 
 and consequently a hearty fellow. 
 
 All was then made snug for the night, as 
 old Winton expressed it. The chairs were 
 drawn round the fire-place, which was one of 
 those capacious ones which we see in old houses, 
 our ancestors having evidently understood the
 
 136 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 meaning of a snug chimney-corner better than 
 we do. The lofty mantel- shelf of carved oak 
 too, was so delightfully inconvenient, that no 
 one under the height of Farmer Winton could 
 reach it. There was a cutlass and brace of 
 long pistols, and a rusty blunderbuss slung 
 across the wood-work under the ceiling, and 
 a few prints decorated the walls, illustrative 
 of the pursuits or tastes of the master. There 
 was " The Sailor's Return," " The Smuggler's 
 Cove/' '* The Pressgang," '* The Battle of the 
 Nile," and '' The Death of Nelson." 
 
 Pretty Susan bestirred herself in preparing 
 her father's evening potation, and having 
 ministered — like another Hebe — to the wants 
 of the guests, brought her chair, and seated 
 herself very close to her brother. He pro- 
 duced a bundle of cheroots from his pocket, 
 and Richard and he soon became involved in 
 clouds of light- blue smoke, while the paternal 
 "VVinton continued faithful to his clay and 
 genuine shag.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 137 
 
 Robert had to withstand a cross-fire of 
 questions from father and sister, and, at length, 
 to silence their batteries he detailed pretty 
 nearly all that had occurred in his last voyage. 
 Kichard was next brought upon the tapis, but 
 at every home-thrust he puffed more vigorously 
 and entangled himself more obscurely in the 
 tobacco wreaths. The old man remembered 
 to have sailed with a Bunker once, and asked 
 him of his lineage : but a sly nudge from 
 Robert stopped his father's enquiries on that 
 head, and Mr. Bunker appearing more disposed 
 to listen than to talk, the host turned the con- 
 versation on a very fruitful theme, his own life 
 and adventures, for his business had been on 
 the great waters, as already has been related, 
 and he had seen many of the wonders of the 
 deep, and, with the exception of The Great 
 Sea Serpent, by his own account, he had made 
 acquaintance with most of the monsters, who 
 habited there, and knew them by their names I 
 
 He had commenced his early career as a
 
 138 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 boy in his Majesty's fleet — he had been taken 
 prisoner by the French, and after enduring 
 every sort of hardsiiip, he had efFected his 
 escape. Then there were tales of press-gangs, 
 and such cuttings-in, and such cuttings-out, as 
 would set your hair on end ! 
 
 The old man, warmed with his story, and 
 his eyes lighted up as he described " hair- 
 breath 'scapes by flood and field." The exer- 
 tion made him thirsty, and his "jorum of hot 
 stuff" had to be furnished again, whilst he 
 dilated on tales, that 
 
 " Would rouse adventurous courage in a boy, 
 Making him long to be a mariner, 
 That he might roam the main." 
 
 It seemed, however, to have a contrary eflect 
 upon Susan, who having sat up much beyond 
 her usual hour, went trembling to her room, 
 and summoning the little hand-maid, searched 
 under the bed, before she consigned herself to 
 the coverlets.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 139 
 
 The party below continued till a late hour. 
 Old Winton, whose heart was opened, disclosed 
 more scenes of his eventful history, he gave 
 some sketches of life on board a privateer, of 
 the pleasure of buccaneering for yourself in a 
 small way, and the excitement of running tubs 
 on your own account. 
 
 He wound up with a song, which he was 
 only known to have done on very peculiar oc- 
 casions. It was a sea-song, of course, and all 
 about the " old wooden walls,'* and the supe- 
 riority of British Tar to the foreign article; 
 then being wound up to concert pitch, they 
 piped all hands, and joined in an uproarious 
 chorus, tending much to dispel all chance of 
 beauty-sleep to the blue-eyed damsel over 
 head. 
 
 The governor now rose to depart, and seiz- 
 ing a candle- stick which held a flickering 
 flame, he marked his somewhat devious course 
 to the door by a stream of tallow on the floor. 
 Then he " brought-up," as the sea-term is, with
 
 140 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 a hiccup, and announced himself ready, as in 
 duty bound, to show Bunker where his bed 
 was prepared. But the young man would not 
 hear of his troubling himself, no not for the 
 world ; and an argument likely to prove pro- 
 tracted, was amicably disposed of by all three 
 agreeing to see one another to bed ! 
 
 They left the room, arm in arm, an unto- 
 ward pan of coals lay lurking at the foot of 
 the stairs ; the venerable parent, with his best 
 leg foremost, stepped upon it, he stumbled, 
 and the trio sprawled upon the ground ! 
 
 The father's feelings were hurt, and the son's 
 regret was poignant at his sire's downfall, they 
 arose, and seated on the stairs and mat, they 
 rubbed their broken skins, but it was impossi- 
 ble to avoid laughing, a cackle first from 
 Bunker, gave the note for a general burst of 
 merriment. 
 
 A door was heard opening above, so they 
 skulked off to find their berths as best they 
 might, as we may have seen disconcerted cata
 
 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 141 
 
 upon a house-top, spring off each a separate 
 way, when roused to fears of personal security, 
 the night-capped neighbour, whose rest they 
 have disturbed, having incontinently discharged 
 his blunderbuss into tho centre of the conclave.
 
 142 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 The sun slione brightly next morning at Dump- 
 ton, as it probably did elsewhere. Susan rose 
 with the lark and other early birds, fresh as 
 the morning dew, despite that her slumbers 
 had not been undisturbed. By the combined 
 energies of herself and little Nancy, all was 
 speedily made straight below ; the coals were 
 gathered up — the casements were opened wide, 
 and the mephitic atmosphere of the kitchen, 
 with the pent-up fumes of tobacco and spirits,
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 143 
 
 were quickly being displaced by pure hydrogen 
 and oxygen. 
 
 Old Winton soon appeared, as hale and hearty 
 as ever. He kissed his blooming daughter, and 
 went forth on his avocations. The young men 
 were not stirring yet. Susan walked up noise- 
 lessly and listened at the door of her brother's 
 room, but she considerately forbore to awake 
 him. As to Mr. Bunker, the snores that pro- 
 ceeded from his apartment, left no doubt as to 
 how he was employed. 
 
 At eight o'clock — that generally implied 
 hour of muster-roll — they had all assembled at 
 breakfast. Pork and fresh eggs were there, 
 and hot cakes — in the manufacture of which 
 Susan greatly prided herself. 
 
 " How are ye, my hearties?" said the farmer, 
 as the young men entered, and although there 
 was a laugh lurking in each and everyone's 
 eye, still no allusion was made to the previous 
 night, until, Susan happening to leave the
 
 144 r.OUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 room, the old man addressed his son with much 
 seriousness of manner. 
 
 ** 1 fear. Bob, your ship was not as steady 
 under canvass, last night, as she might have 
 been." 
 
 *' No ; I can't say that she was, father, for 
 she was taken in tow by an old man-of-war 
 (an old seventy-four, I believe) who foun- 
 dered." 
 
 **Dear me," interrupted Tom Bunker, as- 
 suming an aspect of grave concern, " I wish 
 I had been in company at that time, as I might 
 have rendered assistance ; but I fancv I must 
 have turned into my berth — and a very snug 
 one, too — long before you fired your signals of 
 distress." 
 
 The re-appearance of Miss Susan stopped 
 the current of their conversation. 
 
 The dutiful Robert went off in the cart, to 
 bring his mother home, as also to convey his 
 own sea-chest.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 145 
 
 Dick seemed to have no wish to re-visit 
 Sandford at present, and so, accompanied old 
 Winton, and took a lesson in agriculture. By 
 dinner time, Mrs. Winton had arrived, and no 
 happier party ever sat round a homely table, 
 albeit that the good mother was an anxious 
 soul, and had her sighs and fears. She imme- 
 diately recognized the guest as being the per- 
 son who had applied to her for admittance, and 
 had afterwards been the cause of terror to the 
 ladies. There was an involuntary start as Bob 
 displayed his friend Bunker, and during dinner 
 Betsey's eyes were attentively watching the 
 young men. 
 
 ** Come hither, dear Bobby,*' said his mother, 
 on the first opportunity of speaking to him 
 alone ; " now tell me, is that not Richard 
 Horn ?" 
 
 ** Lor, mother — how could you ? Well, 1 
 never!" stammered out the son, fairly taken 
 aback. 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 146 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 *' Nay, but I feel sure it is ! Naughty boy, 
 to have secrets from your mother !" 
 
 " I never had a secret from you, mother. 
 This is his secret, not mine. It's no use deny- 
 ing it — he is Richard Horn." 
 
 He then proceeded to satisfy his mother's 
 curiosity, thinking, thereby, that he was beat 
 serving his friend's interests. 
 
 "Any friend of yours, you know would 
 be welcome here; but he is doubly wel- 
 come,** 
 
 The good soul wanted to give him a better 
 room than the one he now occupied, and to 
 supply him with better fare, but Robert was 
 quite opposed to any amelioration in their 
 treatment of him — reminding her how hard, 
 of late, their poor guest had fared, and that, 
 with his sensitive feelings, he would be keen 
 to mark the difference, and would be sure to 
 take speedy flight. Mrs. Winton saw the wis- 
 dom of this, and promised to keep the secret,
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 147 
 
 They were bright days at Dumpton Farm. 
 Horn, under his assumed name, soon acquired 
 popularity — he had not been so happy before — 
 his reckless, open, and sincere character, and 
 his thorough bonhommie, could not fail to make 
 him a favorite, and whenever he appeared in- 
 clined to brood, his considerate friend took 
 care to rouse him from his reverie. Richard 
 disdained a life of idleness, or rather his spirit 
 revolted at being the dependant on the gene- 
 rosity of others, and so implored the old man 
 to give him work on the farm. The latter, to 
 relieve his guest*s mind, contrived to find occu- 
 pation for him in odd jobs ; but whatever was 
 the work assigned, he applied himself with 
 such vigour and heartiness to his task, that the 
 farmer was soon at his wit's ends to keep him 
 employed. 
 
 In the evening it was very snug, that happy 
 
 little party — the song and tale went round — 
 
 Susan's ministrations were kept in continual 
 
 requisition, and she always blushed as she 
 
 H 3
 
 148 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 timidly enquired if she should mix for Mr. 
 Bunker, who never had courage to say '* no " 
 to her. The hours, however, of their revels 
 were greatly curtailed since Mrs. Winton's re- 
 turn (in that particular Bunker voted her a 
 bore, the others in their hearts, perhaps, felt 
 the same) she urged especially on her son the 
 advantages of going early to bed. In a 
 thousand little amusing ways, she was re- 
 peatedly on the point of betraying her secret, 
 and was always planning how she could add to 
 her foster- son's comfort, without his discover- 
 ing it ! She looked forward with dread to the 
 time of Robert's departure, but it was a great 
 consolation to her to learn that he was to be 
 accompanied by his friend. 
 
 One sunny afternoon, when Richard ap- 
 peared unusually thoughtful. Bob Winton pro- 
 posed a stroll, and having replenished his case 
 with cheroots, they sallied forth. 
 
 "Richard," said the mate, after they had 
 proceeded some distance, " you promised one
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 149 
 
 day to give me your adventures. We can't 
 have a better opportunity, so let's make for 
 the seat under yonder clump of trees, and if 
 you have a mind, heave a-head, overhaul the 
 log, and kt's know everything that has befal- 
 len you for better or for worse, as the parson 
 says, and if I fall asleep, you can report me, 
 and stop and take breath. Now then, sharp's 
 the word." 
 
 Richard forewarned him that it would be a 
 tough yarn, but he brought it on himself. He 
 proceeded to extract a large pocket-book from 
 the breast of his coat, to which he referred to 
 refresh his memory. His style was a curious, 
 off-handed one, ranging from high to low, but 
 could not be characterized as either attaining 
 to the sublime or ridiculous. It savoured occa- 
 sionally of the ideas of the man of education, 
 but they were frequently wrapped up in the 
 parlance of the forecastle. 
 
 " If my story be a long one," he began, " it
 
 150 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 won't be my fault ; for you have pressed me 
 into your service, so the word passed for'ard 
 is * must/ I suppose ; at the same time I can't 
 help thinking, that if I could discharge some of 
 the odds and ends that are floating about in my 
 upper store-room, I should be in all the better 
 trim. A yarn to be spun in a ship-shape, seaman- 
 like manner, should begin somewhere near the 
 beginning, so I'll just drop astern a bit, and 
 cast my eyes back to the times when you and 
 I were play- mates. 
 
 " I never was a favorite at home with any 
 one, except Sally the cook-maid, and she took 
 to me, I fear, only from perversity, for she was 
 of a contrary spirit, as I often heard my mother 
 say. As a child I wasn't much of a beauty 
 either, although from my present appearance you 
 would hardly believe that, eh, Bob ? that, how- 
 ever, was no fault of mine, as I respectfully 
 observed to my parents one day, nor had I any 
 more to do with the choosing my name, seeing 
 that I was considered too young at the time of
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 151 
 
 my christening to be asked my opinion. All 
 I know about it is, that one Richard Smith was 
 ray godfather — the only one I ever heard of — 
 and I presume he promised and vowed, or 
 somebody did for him, and that's all I ever got 
 out of him. 
 
 " My brother and I were very good friends 
 when we did not fall out, and that was pretty 
 often. I was very fond of him all the same, 
 although if there was a row, I was the one sure 
 to be blamed. You may remember that I was 
 turned away from one school in consequence of 
 my thrashing a boy who bullied my brother, 
 and he was also the cause of my running away 
 from the next school, although it was not his 
 fault. It was precious dull work at home, as 
 you may suppose ; my father I seldom saw, and 
 when I did, our meetings were not over plea- 
 sant, and my mother seldom spoke, except to 
 reprove me. 
 
 " We were then at * The Retreat,' and you 
 came over with your mother to see us some-
 
 152 ROUGH AND S3I00TH. 
 
 times ; you were at the parson's school at Sand- 
 ford, if I mistake not ? About the first thing 
 I remember of you, is your taking me on 
 board a collier on the river, and the skipper 
 sent us ashore in the jolly-boat, considerably 
 the worse for the strong rum with which he far 
 too plentifully supplied us ? you recollect that ? 
 " Egad ! I shall never forget the head-ache 
 I endured all next day. On cool reflection I 
 made up my mind that however pleasant 
 the getting drunk might be, the getting 
 sober was detestable, and that the only 
 real happiness was to keep up the intoxication. 
 Kegardless of expense, I provided myself with 
 a gimlet, and a few long straws, and I pro- 
 ceeded to carry out my views by entering the 
 coal-hole. There was but a lath and plaster 
 partition between that and the beer-cellar, 
 against which a convenient barrel of strong 
 ale rested. I was shortly enabled to insert 
 one of my straws into it, and fixing the others 
 on end, I sat behind a heap of big coals in
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 153 
 
 quiet enjoyment, sipping away to my heart's 
 content. 
 
 ** The drawing-room bell rang, for coals, I 
 presume, and in came Sally with a coal-scuttle. 
 I remained still, and she was just retiring, when 
 I kicked down an ugly lump of coal. She 
 threw the scuttle down, and rushed out 
 screaming ten thousand murders ! 
 
 **I followed to the kitchen, where she had 
 sunk upon a chair. I fell down on my knees 
 at her feet, and called her all the most beauti- 
 ful names I could think of — angels and loves, 
 all that sort of thing, and clasping hold of her 
 great mutton-fist, I offered her the advantage 
 of my name, with all my substance, and half 
 of my bed-room, if she would be mine ! 
 
 *' Poor Sally's eyes and mouth opened to 
 their full extent ; at last she perceived how 
 matters stood, she exclaimed in anything but 
 accents of reciprocal admiration, 
 
 " * You dirty, little, tipsy rascal I Get up 
 H 5
 
 154 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 immediately — I'll tell your mother of you, I 
 will!" 
 
 " But she didn't. It was not necessary, there 
 stood my mother on the threshold ! 
 
 " I bolted through the scullery out to the 
 water-butt, and ducked ray head into it, for I 
 was as black as the coals that I had been keep- 
 ing company with. I naturally avoided my 
 parents' society still more after this, for 1 feared 
 that their high estimation of my character 
 might be prejudiced by this move. 
 
 '' We left the country for London, and I 
 was all impatience for Adrian's return for the 
 holidays. He came at last — but unhappily I 
 found that I was no better off than heretofore^ 
 there was such a diff'erence in their treatment 
 of us, and they seemed to wish to keep us 
 separate. 
 
 " I heard my father say one day to some 
 friend in reply to a question about me, that he 
 did not know what to do with me, he had heard
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 155 
 
 of some strict school in some distant county, 
 but he did not think me worth the carriage, 
 and said he, 
 
 ** * That boy is born a blackguard, sir !' 
 " Since I've been abroad in the wide world, 
 I've seen many a good man spoilt by harsh- 
 ness, when one soft word would have brought 
 him to his duty, and made him grateful for 
 ever. I can't help thinking that this was some- 
 what my case — I've not a bad heart. Bob — and 
 even now I can't talk of these things without 
 my eyes filling, and poor father and mother are 
 gone to their last long account — I'll never say 
 one word against them ! 
 
 ^' I felt very miserable at what I heard, and 
 hid myself, and cried bitterly. I cursed my 
 stars, that I was born a blackguard ! The idea 
 of a strict school was horrible to me. 1 had 
 not the relief of being able to speak to anyone 
 of my sorrows, as 1 am now doing, and some- 
 how I did not feel that Adrian would like to 
 listen to them— I resolved to help myseiti as
 
 156 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 nobody would do it for me, and that night, un- 
 der the bed-clothes, I planned an escape ! 
 
 ** It was grey morning when I awoke — I 
 started from my bed, and looked out of the 
 window. I slept in a back attic which looked 
 into a mews ; 1 saw no one about — the early 
 helpers who did all the work for the gentle- 
 men's coachmen had not yet arrived — and as I 
 peered forth, I heard the church-clocks chime 
 four. 
 
 " There was no time to be lost, I hurried on 
 my clothes — a boy's toilet never takes long — 
 a shilling and my clasp-knife was all I had to 
 stow away in my pocket, and I slipped down 
 stairs. Even the stairs seemed to bear me ill- 
 will ; how abominably they creaked and groaned, 
 as they never had done before, and I thought 
 I must be caught in the act I 
 
 *' To unbar, unbolt, and unlock the front- 
 door without being heard, was almost impos- 
 sible, besides, as soon as the maids came down, 
 there would be an inquiry, so I gently opened
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 157 
 
 the stair-case window, just wide enough for one 
 to get through, and then I stepped out upon the 
 wall that divided our garden from the neighbour's 
 — I was accustomed to climb about in search 
 of cats and small birds, and my cross-bow has 
 bereaved many an old girl of her tabby ! From 
 the wall 1 scrambled to the roof of our stables, 
 and landed safely in the outside yard, by 
 clinging hold of a water-pipe. No one was 
 stirring, so I walked up the mews into the 
 street ; at the corner was a watch-box, the 
 faithful guardian of our lives and property was 
 snoring with all his might — I could not resist 
 the temptation of closing the flap-door, and 
 having turned the key, I scampered off as fast 
 as my legs would carry me. 
 
 " I ran on, and on, and lost myself in the 
 maze of streets, till emerging from a narrow 
 lane, I found myself in Oxford Street. I heard 
 the sound of many voices and much laughter, 
 and thinking my hurried pace would look bus-
 
 158 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 picious, I walked leisurely, as though I was a 
 youDg gentleman taking an airing ! 
 
 ** I soon came up to the spot from whence 
 the merriment proceeded. There was a noisy 
 group about a stall, on which was disposed 
 sundry cups minus their saucers, an earthen- 
 ware pan which did duty as a sugar-basin, and 
 in which reposed the only spoon in the service , 
 (barring the customers), a blackened coiFee-pot 
 kept hot upon a pan of coals, a loaf of stale 
 bread, and a suspicious-looking lump of butter. 
 A vile looking old porpoise of a woman, with 
 a handkerchief tied over her flattened bonnet 
 and under her chin, and with a short pipe stuck 
 in her mouth, was dealing out the delicacies of 
 her table to the knot of odd characters who 
 stood about her. 
 
 " There was a fine- looking, big seaman, whom 
 we should now twig in a moment. Bob, as be- 
 ing an A. B. ; he had in tow under each arm 
 two splendid girls, hats and ^feathers, flounces,
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 159 
 
 and silk-stockings, for what I know, quite the 
 spicy rig however, and over his shoulder was 
 swung a bundle on a crooked stick ; he appeared 
 to be standing treat to all comers. Then there 
 was a sleepy-looking hackney-coach-man, who 
 evidently having had a drop too much else- 
 where, was just off the stand \ a couple of swear- 
 ing Irish paviers, a cadger wide-awake, as they 
 always are, (though their sleepy looks and 
 husky voices might impress one otherwise,) 
 whose donkey with cabbages was close by, and 
 a sweep with his bag over his shoulders, and I 
 believe that's all. 
 
 " * Tip-top of the morning to yer honor !' 
 said one, the Irishmen who first espied me as I 
 approached. 
 
 "* Coach, sir, coach?' said the Jar vy, with 
 a faint effort to look steady. 
 
 " Yo,ho ! youngster, you've turned out be- 
 times. — Here, you blessed old 'un, serve us out 
 another pint of suck !' said the man-o'-war's- 
 man, turning to the disposer of roasted beans
 
 160 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 and sky-blue. Then presenting the cup to me, 
 he said : * There you be, my jolly young 
 squeaker, never say I never gave you iivffin ! 
 that's what you get for being under weigh so 
 early.' 
 
 " * P'raps, may be, the young gent has been 
 up late !' said the sweep, who was dying for a 
 joke. 
 
 *^ ' I wish yer would take them nasty fingers 
 of yourn out of my butter, Mr. clergyman, 
 I've told yer of it twice — I would dust your 
 jacket for yer, if it worn't so filthy black, I 
 would !' screamed the cofiee-wench. 
 
 " ^ Shall I do it for you, missus ?' replied the 
 sweep, slyly, * but I say,' continued he, " do 
 you call that butter? I call it tallow and 
 scrapings, and d — d bad 'uns too !' 
 
 " * None of your sarce, ^er black divil— take 
 your fingers away, or I'll give 'em a licking — ' 
 
 '* ' Vy lourd, marm, you needn't trouble 
 yourself, I'll do that myself!' 
 
 ** This was a queer scene for me. Just out
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 161 
 
 of bed, and there I was being treated to coiFee 
 at an early breakfast- stall in Oxford Street! 
 No wonder every word is so impressed on my 
 mind, I see it now, as clear as if it happened 
 yesterday 1 
 
 *' I was motionless for a moment, balancing 
 with myself whether I ought to accept the 
 proffered cup or not. The two ladies turned 
 upon me, and addressed me with a string of 
 palaver. One said I was a pretty dear, and 
 that if I was good-natured I should give her 
 the handkerchief which happened to be peeping 
 from my jacket -pocket. I declined doing that 
 however ; she made a grab at it, and the other 
 woman, coming behind, jerked my arm, and 
 threw the contents of the cup which I held in 
 my hand, over the flannel jacket of one of the 
 Irishmen. 
 
 " ' Arrah ! now you accursed spalpeen — you 
 dzvil's own varmint !' spluttered out the fellow, 
 in a furious rage, at the same time clutching 
 hold of my collar with one of his enormous
 
 162 ROUGH AND SMOOXn. 
 
 paws, he shook me violently, ' I'll be after 
 ^aiching you better manners ; out with your 
 shiners and tip me for this mess, or by the 
 powers, I'll give you such a big whacking that 
 your mother shan't know ye I* 
 
 ** * Leave me alone, or it will be the worse 
 for you, you great brute ! It was not my fault, 
 you know it wasn't! Let me go, I say !' cried 
 I, struggling to elude his grasp. 
 
 " The ladies were jumping round us, and 
 screaming with delight. 
 
 *' Och I I know them nasty drabs put you up 
 to do it,' said my assailant, ' and I'll be after 
 them in a twinkling !' 
 
 " Will you ?" exclaimed one of the parties 
 alluded to ; and quick as thought, she raised 
 her arm, and flattened the pavier's hat on his 
 eyes. 
 
 " The slop-seller's board stood in danger of 
 being capsized, and the old woman halloa'd to 
 Pat to let the young urchin alone. The other 
 Irishman of course took part in the fray, and
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 163 
 
 was d g every one up in heaps, and bran- 
 dishing his arms, longing to be at some- 
 body. 
 
 ** The stout seaman, who had been looking 
 on quietly all this time, came forward and put 
 his hand on my enemy's shoulder, and looking 
 hard in his face, said, in a voice that admitted 
 of no mistake, 
 
 *' * Belay there, mister Irishman ! Withdraw 
 your grapples — sheer off from this here young 
 shaver ! Fair play, and hit one your own size. 
 We have had enough of this ; cast off, I say, or 
 
 d n-me I'll flatten your jib in, as sure as 
 
 my name is Ben Martin !' 
 
 " The fight now became general. The sailor 
 knocked down the first man, and I fell with 
 him, so I scrambled away, and jumped up and 
 pummelled right and left as well as I could. 
 Luckily, my attacks were unnoticed, other- 
 wise I should have been knocked into the 
 middle of the next week, for the paviers hit 
 like sledge-hammers. My defender fought
 
 164 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 like a British tar ; but the Irishmen were too 
 much for him — for of course I take no reckon- 
 ing of my slight arm. The women scratched 
 and screamed, and called out for the watch, 
 the rascally sweep, to add to the confusion 
 overturned the coffee-shop ; but assistance was 
 now at hand, and the rattles were springing in 
 all directions, 
 
 " The sailor gave one hasty look round, and 
 perceiving the Charleys close at hand, planted 
 two ugly, straight- on~end facers, as a parting 
 blessing to the enemy, picked up his stick (but 
 the latter slipped through his fingers) and seeing 
 that the coast was clear in front, bolted off like 
 a shot. 
 
 ** * I misht be caught and taken home — I 
 might have been traced as the culprit who 
 locked the watch-box!' These were the 
 thoughts of the instant ; I darted down, picked 
 up my companion's stick, and flew after him 
 like lightning. T caught a glimpse of him as 
 he turned the corner — I pursued him down
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 165 
 
 several streets ; I was as active as a powder- 
 monkey. He never looked back once ; at last 
 as I neared him, he turned his head and saw 
 me. He shortened sail immediately, and I 
 handed him his stick, which was a very queer 
 looking one, and he seemed right glad to get 
 hold of it again. 
 
 *' ' D n-me, youngster,' said he, resting 
 
 with his hand on his hip, and puffing for 
 breath, * you would do honor to your country, 
 and Ben Martin aint the cove to forget it! 
 That bit o'timber is valuable to me ; but I 
 thought I should be grabbed if I stopped to 
 pick it up. Well, that was a spree — wasn't it ? 
 But blow me if my throat aint as dry as a 
 purser's bread-bag ! Come along with me, and 
 I'll show you a snug berth!' 
 
 " I kept close to him, and he said something 
 about * splicing the main-brace,* which in my 
 ignorance, as I perceived that he kept continu- 
 ally hitching up his trousers, I deemed might
 
 166 ROT^GH ANT) SMOOTH. 
 
 be requisite, and fancied he was running for 
 some shop to refit after the fight. 
 
 ** I had lost all reckoning of our course, until 
 we came out on the broad road again at 
 Knightsbridge. My leader dived down a little 
 dirty court, and gave three taps at the door of 
 a house, over which was written, ' Accommo- 
 dation for Travellers.' A suspicious looking old 
 hunks let us in ; there were a dozen people at 
 least lying about in all directions. The heat 
 and the stench was enough to knock one down. 
 The shutters were still up, and the place was 
 only lighted by one streaming tallow candle on 
 a table, at which two or three dissolute-looking 
 scamps were seated, playing at cards, and 
 puffing out bad tobacco. On the floor, huddled 
 together, was a whole family of trampers, 
 young and old, with their bundles under them. 
 It was difficult, at first coming from the broad 
 day-light, to find one's way, or to see any- 
 thing. Our entrance appeared to cause no sur- 
 prise, the men just looked up from the cards, 
 and gave an extra glance at me.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 167 
 
 " * Now then, Nonkey,' shouted the sailor to 
 the man who had let us in, and throwing down 
 his straw hat on the vacant space, he sunk into 
 a chair ; * look smart, and give us a couple o' 
 drams. May-be that's too stiff for your wizzen 
 so early, young master, what would you like ?' 
 
 " * A glass of water,* I replied, humbly, for 
 I was very thirsty after the excitement ; but I 
 did not like to be treated, and I felt for the 
 lone shilling in my corner-pocket. 
 
 « « Water?' said Ben Martin, ' bad stuff this 
 time o' day, or, indeed, at any time, without 
 summut in it, cold on the stomich — take a little 
 purl ?' 
 
 " * Anything you please, sir !' 
 
 ** *Purl, then, Nonkey, and a dollop of soft 
 tommy and cheese, and stir your stumps !' cried 
 he. 
 
 " I just put the mug that was set before me 
 to my lips, but the heat and smell of the room 
 quite overpowered me. My friend asked for a 
 little water for me, and I washed my face, and
 
 168 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 rubbed the mud off my clothes. He quickly 
 tossed off his measure of spirits, and then par- 
 leyed a bit with a couple of brother tars, whom 
 I had not at first discovered, and who had just 
 come up the road ; he asked some questions as 
 to what progress a certain ship made in fitting 
 out, after that he jumped up — threw the score 
 on the table — stopped my hand, which was 
 fumbling in pursuit of my fortune — and said, 
 
 "^Let'sbeoff!" 
 
 " ' I suppose we part company now, my 
 hearty,' said he, bringing up as soon as we had 
 cleared the court, ^ I am bound for Portsmouth, 
 and must make all sail. If you're going down 
 the road, come along with me, and if you're 
 out on liberty, and have a mind to see the big 
 ships, pass the word, you shall travel for 
 nothing, and shan't cost me anything neither.' 
 
 "I was quite at a loss to understand this 
 method of cheap travelling ; but I saw he was 
 in a hurry, so I thought there would be no 
 harm to accompany him until I could decide
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 169 
 
 upon some plan in my mind. I looked upon 
 him as a god-send, I rejoiced to have some 
 companion in my loneliness. My only design 
 had been to escape from home, beyond that I 
 had not a thought — what I was to do — where I 
 was to go — and how I was to live, had never 
 entered my head I 
 
 yoL. I.
 
 170 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 *' The tall seaman started off at a slapping 
 pace, and I had almost to run at his side, to 
 keep abreast of him. He told me he was 
 anxious to get in time to join * The Magnifi- 
 cent,' which was fitting in all haste for sea. He 
 had sailed before with the captain who had just 
 commissioned her, and was sure of a berth if 
 he could get there in time. He had been on 
 a cruise along shore, and had been up to 
 London for a lark since he was paid off from 
 some ship, I torget the name of it, his money
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 171 
 
 was nearly all gone ; but nevertheless, he could 
 show me a trick or two, by which he and his 
 friends could return to Portsmouth gratis. In 
 London, of course, he had been living a life of 
 revelry and dissipation, like most of us sea- 
 faring chaps, as long as his money held out, 
 and when I fell in with him, he was supposed 
 to be on the high road to Portsmouth, having 
 promised a free passage to the ladies. He had 
 cut and run from the fight in that hasty man- 
 ner, because he feared if he had been clapped 
 in limbo by the old white-coats, he might have 
 been too late for his ship, and also his more 
 sober thoughts prompted him to cut adrift from 
 the two flashy frigates, of whose company he 
 had had enough. 
 
 '*'lt strikes me, youngster,' said he, after 
 we had been walking some little time, ' that 
 you have made a bolt from school, eh ?' and he 
 looked through me from the corner of one of 
 his most cunning-looking little black eyes. 
 I 2
 
 172 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 "* No!' said I, quite taken a- back, and 
 hesitating in my answer. 
 
 " * Well, something like it, eh ?' 
 
 *' Gradually he extracted a good deal of my 
 history, I couldn't help telling him, and then 
 he asked me what I intended to do ; but on 
 that point, I could give him no information. 
 
 " As we walked up Wimbledon hill, we 
 overtook a Jew-pedlar, toiling along with his 
 box of wares, a brass-bound sort of mahogany 
 desk slung across his shoulders. 
 
 '* * Hulloa, Moses, what cheer ? what's the 
 price of pigs ?' said my travelling companion, 
 laughing. 
 
 " * Vy, pigs is riz, since you sailors have 
 took to chawing their tails I he, he ! There, 
 my tear, you will not shave your bacon, he ! 
 he !' replied the Jew, quite pleased with his own 
 wit. 
 
 ** * I don't want to shave my bacon,' observed 
 Ben, grinning.
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 173 
 
 '* * Veil, my tear, if yoi did, I could sell 
 you the razor that would do it !' 
 
 '' * As sharp a blade as yourself, eh, Moses ? 
 but what will you give me to carry that pack 
 of yours T 
 
 " * Nothing, my tear, because you might run 
 away, and I could not catch you. You're 
 honest man, I no doubt, but s'help me I never 
 trust no one, and for vy ? 'cause no one trusts 
 meP 
 
 " We had many jokes with the old Jew ; 
 the cautious old rogue would not tell us where 
 he was going ; he said he was visiting here and 
 there. On the common we sat down to rest 
 for a few minutes, so Moses took the opportu- 
 nity of displaying his treasure, to tempt us. 
 There were pen-knives and razors, and specta- 
 cles, and jewellery. 
 
 *' ' Here,' said he, producing a gilt chain, 
 ' is a scliplended gold chain, to make people be- 
 lieve that you've got a gold watch at the end 
 of it — you shall have it for nothing, half what
 
 174 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 it cost !' We shook our heads. ' Veil, now 
 here's a silver ring, with a precious stone, I'll 
 give this away for two-and-nine !' 
 
 " My friend said he wanted some gew-gaws 
 for Poll Luff, and tried the ring on his little 
 finger ; from ' two-and-nine,' they descended 
 at last to one shilling, and then Ben made the 
 follov/ing proposal : 
 
 " « I'll tell you what, old skin-and-beard, you 
 seem a pleasant file, and I don't know that 1 
 ever took so much to a Jew before— hand us 
 over the ring, and by all that's blue, I'll stand 
 a jolly blow-out at * The Game Cock ' at 
 Kingston ! is it a bargain?' 
 
 " * Wait a bit, my goot friend ; give me the 
 blow-out first, and s'help me, you shall have 
 the ring afterwards. For vy ? I never trust 
 no one, and — ' 
 
 " * And no one trusts you ! Well I don't 
 wonder at that, Moses I' said Ben, taking him 
 up, * but it's a bargain !' 
 
 " We jogged on merrily : all was new to me,
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 175 
 
 and I enjoyed it amazingly. My stomach was 
 empty, and 1 felt as sharp set as a young shark 
 after a banyan day, but my spirits rose at every 
 step I took. The world was all before me — 
 or rather Kingston was, and we soon occupied 
 seats in the tap of the before-named house. 
 
 '^ * Landlord, a-hoy !' shouted our leader, 
 *here, master, serve us out hot grub for three, 
 with smoking taters and something short to 
 swig, and look alive, old blow-hard !' 
 
 " We had not long to wait, a savoury dish 
 of fat pork sausages and trotters was placed 
 before us : 
 
 " •• That's your sort, cut away, Moses I' said 
 Ben, striking his fork into a sausage, and 
 laughing out of his roguish eyes. 
 
 " * No, that is not my sort,' exclaimed the 
 disappointed Jew, whose lanthorn jaws would 
 have made short work with the unclean food ; 
 * I wished you to have a bargain, but you have 
 sold me scheapJ'
 
 176 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 *' * No, not sheep, Moses, haw ! haw T said 
 Ben, laughing with his mouth full. But the 
 pedlar was soon made happy by the appearance 
 of a cold scrag of mutton, which he attacked 
 with the desperation of one who was provision- 
 ing himself for six months at least. Three 
 steaming rummers of brandy and water com- 
 pleted the repast. You may easily imagine 
 that our appetites were none of the smallest, 
 after the long walk ; but we had both finished 
 long before Moses, who turned the bones over 
 and over again, that nothing might escape him. 
 After that, we saw him pocket a piece of bread 
 and a potatoe ; and then he spoke : 
 
 " ' Dere, my tear, now you pay and you shall 
 have de ring — dat beautiful trinket — and dirt 
 scheap at de monish !' 
 
 "'Now then, Commodore — what's the 
 chalk T called out Ben Martin. 
 
 " * Two and one's three — four-and-six,' re- 
 plied the landlord, rubbing his chin.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 177 
 
 " ' Now then, first of all, please to observe, 
 messmates, I've no blunt about me, whatsoever ; 
 there's no deception here,' observed Ben, turn- 
 ing out all his pockets. 
 
 " * Well, one of you shall pay,' said the 
 governor, growing as red as a marine's jacket, 
 * or I send for the constable, that's all ! You 
 gave the orders, so if you've no money, hand 
 over that bundle of yourn !' he continued, ad- 
 dressing Mr. Martin. 
 
 "" * Yes, to be sure ; give the gentlemans 
 your bundle !' chimed in Moses, looking dis- 
 mayed, and evidently expecting to be called 
 upon to hand over his mahogany box. and con- 
 tents, or to pay for all. ' I should not have 
 come here at all, if it had not been for this 
 sailor, who did immte me. S'help me, if a jew 
 wouldn't plush o'both sides of his face to be 
 sich a tam cheat ! I never trusts, no, for vy — ' 
 
 " * Damme, hold your jaw ; we know all that, 
 you scurvy old tinker I Now, mister landlord, 
 did you ever see me afore? Examine my 
 I 5
 
 178 ROUGH AND SMOOTH, 
 
 figure-head well, it will pass muster !' said 
 Ben, looking as impudent as an armadillo with 
 his monkey up. 
 
 " ' I never seed your ugly mug afore, and 
 as far as I know at present, I never wish to see 
 it again ! I must have my money, or — ' 
 
 " Ben Martin very deliberately took up his 
 hat and stick, and inserting the latter in the 
 crown of the former, he twirled it round and 
 round and raised it to the eyes of the landlord, as 
 we may have seen the conjurors in the streets, 
 spinning a basin on the end of a pole. The 
 effect produced upon him was instantaneous. 
 
 *' * Oh, yes,' said he, * all right ; I beg par- 
 don — nothing to pay, gemmen,' and he left the 
 room, laughing. 
 
 ** Well, this appeared very strange, certainly ; 
 IMoses was completely bothered by it, but 
 fearing lest there might still be some mistake, 
 he took up his box and was bustling out as 
 fast as he could, when Ben called out to him 
 that he had forgotten the ring. The jew threw
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 179 
 
 down the piece of trumpery on the table, and 
 disappeared. Ben seemed greatly amused ; he 
 shook his sides and roared. We soon followed 
 and came up with the pedlar again. When he 
 saw that it was all right, he seemed to rejoice 
 in our society ; the * blow out/ with the 
 brandy and water, had evidently opened the 
 old fellow's mouth and heart (if he had one). 
 He told us not a bad story or two, and he even 
 went so far as to announce that he would con- 
 sent to* accompany us to Portsmouth, if his 
 tavern-bills were paid upon the same terms. 
 
 " ' Did you ever hear of Prince Hoky- 
 Poky ?' said my new friend, drawing himself 
 up and looking fierce, * for 1 am that party, in 
 disguise.' 
 
 " I won't make my story longer than neces- 
 sary. Let me see — we reached our port on 
 the evening of the third day, to the best of my 
 recollection. The same scene occurred pretty 
 nearly at all the halting-places, and, to our 
 utter astonishment, the publicans ail Acknow-
 
 180 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 ledged the efficacy of the marvellous hat and 
 stick ! So that I really began to ask myself, 
 * can this be the Prince Hoky-Poky in dis- 
 guise T 
 
 ** Our jew was evidently at his wits* ends, 
 and could not in any way comprehend how the 
 charm was worked. While we were sitting 
 in the tap-room of a little road- side inn, just 
 beyond Godalming, waiting for the meal we 
 had ordered : 
 
 " * Let me have a shguint at the articles,* 
 asked Moses. 
 
 ** * Well then, one at a time, if you please. 
 They are too valuable to part with both at 
 once, and you never trust no one, you know, 
 Moses,' replied Ben. 
 
 ** The hat was an ordinary, greasy-looking 
 affair, and the stick was a common knotted 
 thorn. 
 
 *' * My goot friend,' said the pedlar, ' should 
 you have any ohjections to my trying the 
 dodge ?'
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 181 
 
 *' Martin shook his head, and appeared to be 
 considering, with all the importance which the 
 subject demanded. 
 
 " * Only dis once ?' pleaded the Jew. 
 
 " * Well,' said the other, at length, * my 
 name's easy, this once you may do it !' 
 
 " Moses expressed his gratitude ; our dinners 
 were now smoking before us. I observed that 
 Martin left the room on some pretext or other 
 for a few minutes, but returned before we had 
 finished our grub. Moses was blown at last, 
 and could not swallow any more — the landlord 
 was summoned. 
 
 " * What's to pay ?' exclaimed Martin, look- 
 ing very serious. 
 
 *' ' Let me see,' said the landlord, affecting 
 to calculate. 
 
 " The hat and stick were immediately 
 handed to Moses, who spun the hat round and 
 round in high style. This act directly caught 
 the publican's eye. 
 
 " ' Nothing at all to pay whatever, gemmen
 
 182 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 — hope youVe found all to your liking — glad 
 to see you again I' 
 
 "So saying, he bowed, and couldn't help 
 laughing, and left the room. 
 
 " ' S'help me, but dat is good!' said the 
 Pedlar, and he chuckled to himself as we left 
 the house. 
 
 *' We were at the top of Portsdown Hill. 
 
 " ' The sea! the sea! the ships!' 1 exclaimed, 
 it was my first view of what I have since 
 learn't to consider my native element. Before 
 us lay the broad bosom of the ocean covered 
 with ships, three deckers and frigates, and 
 crafts of all sizes and descriptions from Spit- 
 head to St. Helens. There was * The Island' 
 rising up before us. The water seemed 
 studded with life ! Outside the walls of Ports- 
 mouth the red-coats were drilling, and we 
 could see the smoke, and hear the roar of the 
 great guns as salutes were fired ! It was a 
 glorious sight, for a boy to see for the first 
 time.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 183 
 
 *' * My tear friend,' spoke Moses, visibly af- 
 fected, * I shall be quite wexed to part wid you. 
 1 have had a very pleasant journey. It breaks 
 my heart to hear you've no money. S'help 
 me, as you have behaved like a shenilemans to 
 me, I don't mind giving a few articles of 
 scplejidid jewelry from my box, for that dirty 
 old hat and stick of yours, perwided you part 
 with the good will of it, I mean your secret !' 
 
 " Ben laughed aloud, and said he would not 
 part with those valuables at present, for all his 
 stock of rattletraps ! 
 
 *' We followed through the covered passages 
 and across draw-bridges, and through all the 
 queer inns-and-outs, for which Portsmouth is 
 remarkable, and then our conductor stopped 
 in front of ' The Union Jack,' one of the low- 
 est tippling -houses in Portsea I 
 
 "' Here we'll drink success to one another 
 for the last time afore we part,' said he, as we 
 entered.
 
 184 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " The grog was ordered and despatched, the 
 hat was spun as usual, the signal recognised, 
 and we were free to depart. 
 
 " * Kow, Mr. Moses,' said Ben, * I'm soon 
 going afloat, and as 1 shall be found a new hat 
 by his Majesty, and a walking-stick on board a 
 frigate is about as much use as a pair of top- 
 boots to a sea-gull, if so be you've got money 
 
 enough, d me if I'd mind parting with this 
 
 ere valuable sky-scraper and yard o' timber, 
 and you shall have the whole secret into the 
 bargain !' 
 
 *^ The pedlar shrugged his shoulders, and 
 looked as indifferent as possible, but said he 
 wouldn't mind giving five ehillings for the 
 lot. 
 
 " ' Five shillings !' roared the indignant pro- 
 prietor of the wonderful hat and stick ; 'if 
 you come any o' that sort o' gammon, old 
 Nosey, I'd advise you to sheer off" on another 
 tack. If you'd said five pounds, you'd have 
 been nearer the mark !'
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 185 
 
 " Moses looked frightened, and swore he was 
 a very poor man, and s'help him, he'd only ten 
 shillings in the world. After an hour's hag- 
 gling, the purchase was agreed upon, for two 
 sovereigns and a handful of brummagem 
 chains, copper seals, and jim-crack pins. The 
 Jew was to order supper in a couple of hours, 
 and Martin undertook by that time to deliver 
 up the properties. 
 
 '* ' And now, youngster,' said he, * I'll give 
 you a cruise till supper-time. 
 
 " I followed quickly after him, we went out 
 on the Hard, he pushed his way into a re- 
 ceiving-house, where large bills were stuck-up 
 at the windows inviting volunteers to enter 
 themselves for *The Magnificent.' He was 
 immediately accepted, and ordered to appear 
 on board the first thing in the morning. Then 
 he took me to a slop-sellers, where I swapped 
 my own clothing from my beaver to my shoes, 
 for a coarser and more serviceable suit, and 
 received half-a-guinea besides.
 
 186 ROUGU AND SMOOTH. 
 
 '* * That will take you home again,' said my 
 kind friend, * if so be you're tired of cruising. 
 If you were my youngster I should bid you go 
 to sea, but as long as you bide here, keep 
 your shiners close in store, your weather eye 
 open, your lea leg out, and get to wind'ard of 
 crimps and land- sharks, and even of such fools 
 as old Moses !' 
 
 " We returned in good time to the ' Union 
 Jack,' in company with a ship-mate, whom 
 Martin invited to share the pedlar's supper. 
 Moses had also added another Jew to the 
 party, an article which is by no means scarce 
 in those parts. Kidney pudding, boiled beef, 
 pickled salmon and periwinkles were laid out 
 on the table. Moses had given an extensive 
 order on the strength of the no-pay system ! 
 "We all ate as much as we possibly could, but 
 how the men-o'-war's-man did drink ! ]\Iartin 
 had hitherto been remarkably shy of his liquors, 
 but now he seemed making up for lost time. 
 A bowl of punch was ordered, and another ! 
 It was growing late.
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 187 
 
 " ' Now to bishness, my goot friend, here's 
 two gold shovereigns, and here's the schplendid 
 jewelry. S'help me, I've made a bad bargain ! ' 
 said Moses holding out his hands ; * I never 
 trust no one — you put down your goois — I put 
 down mine,' 
 
 '* It was done as proposed, Ben pocketed 
 the cash and frippery, and the other took pos- 
 session of the hat and stick. 
 
 '''And now for to settle the ^ec/r landlord's 
 hash!' said the Jew, eagerly stretching out 
 his hand to pull the bell-rope, which hung from 
 the ceiling over the middle of the table. 
 
 '* ' Mister landlord, how mush to pay ?' en- 
 puired he, giving a knowing wink at his 
 brother Jew. 
 
 " ' Here's the bill,' replied the landlord, with 
 a grin on his face, producing a long strip of 
 paper. Moses took it and read : 
 
 " ' Suppers — ale — beer — punch — brandies 
 punch — baccy and pipes, — one pound two.' 
 
 "'Dirt sheep? continued Moses, who now
 
 188 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 placed the hat in position, and whirled it round 
 and round with all his might. * What's to pay 
 now, mister landlord?' said he stopping for 
 breath, and looking up proudly in his face. 
 
 " ' What's to pay now ?' repeated the pro- 
 prietor of the * Union Jack,' why one pound 
 two, to be sure !' 
 
 ** * Don't you see that, you fool ?' replied 
 Moses sharply, applying himself again to his 
 task with increased energy, * I've bought the 
 trick I' 
 
 *' * Ah ! two can play at that, can't they ?' 
 replied the landlord coolly, 'you'd better 
 pay.' 
 
 *' ' I have paid dat shentlemans dere ! 
 
 ** We looked round, but there was no 
 * shentlemans dere.' Ben and his gallant friend 
 had disappeared! 
 
 '* The rogue of a landlord soon put us up 
 to the right bearings of the case. Ben Mar- 
 tin, who was an old pal of his, told him when 
 he landed, having just been paid off, and his
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 189 
 
 pockets were lined with rhino, that as he got 
 so soon cleared out when he cruised on shore, 
 he intended on his way up to London, to leave 
 enough at the different houses-of-call on the 
 road, as would supply him and two friends with 
 a good meal on his return ; and that there 
 might be no mistake about the person, his old 
 hat spun round on his stick was to be the pri- 
 vate signal. When poor Moses was allowed 
 to do the tricky of course it was with an un- 
 derstanding with the landlord. Sailors, as you 
 know, generally frequent the same houses, 
 and it is the interest of the publicans to keep 
 on good terms with them. 
 
 " The unfortunate pedlar was perfectly chop- 
 fallen, he stared a-ghast for some time — I 
 never saw such a sudden change of countenance 
 in my life ! He turned deadly pale with rage 
 —he clenched his fists, and his little grey-eyes 
 seemed starting from their sockets. 
 
 <«« Vot a tarn rascal I' he at last broke out ; 
 * vot a iam shwindler ! I send the constables
 
 190 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 after him ! s'help me, if a Jew would'nt p\ush. 
 o' both sides of his body and face, before he'd 
 be sich a tarn tief! To cheat a poor Jew in 
 dis way I Farder Abraham ! I vish I had given 
 him both bad s/iovereigns, instead of only
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 191 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 " Next morning, I turned out early on Com- 
 mon Hard, and enquired for H.M.S. Mag- 
 nificent. 
 
 " * You didn't expect to see her sticking in 
 the mud here, did you, spoony ? You be too 
 late for her, she sailed from Spithead at day- 
 light this morning,' replied a facetious ferry- 
 man. 
 
 ** So there I was, adrift, without a soul I 
 knew, barring old Mordecai Moses, and I felt
 
 192 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 that I had better keep clear of him. But what 
 did I care ? I felt that thorough independence, 
 which is the real charm of liberty, I was a 
 gentleman all over ; that is, I had money in 
 my pouch, and could do as I liked. All the 
 world was still before me, but as some of the 
 world might be after me, it was necessary to 
 form some sort of plan as to where I should go 
 and what I should do. 
 
 " I turned over Ben ]Martin's last words to 
 me, all the while I was staring into the gaudy 
 shops in Portsea. 
 
 " ' Well,' thought I, ' after what I have seen 
 of mister Ben, it is perhaps no loss for me, that 
 I am not his son, although I might go further 
 and fare worse ; but I don't know that I could 
 do better than go to sea.' But then arose the 
 question, how was I to get there ? 
 
 " I sat on a bench and amused myself by 
 watching the boats'-crews land. There was a 
 ship just paid off, and the men were coming 
 ashore in shoals— fine, sun-burnt, jolly-looking
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 193 
 
 dogs — and all the smart petticoats were wait- 
 ing to receive them with open arms. There 
 was such a row— such hulloaiag and cheering; 
 and then away they went, some with one soft 
 partner under the arm, some with two. Occa- 
 sionally, there was a fight among the ladies, as 
 some favorite stepped aground, and contending 
 parties claimed to be his true-love ; then they 
 fell to a pulley-hauley of bonnets and caps, and 
 to scratching one another's sweet mugs ; and 
 in the end, the strongest carried oif her fancy - 
 man in triumph. One jolly tar, on landing, wud 
 saluted with a couple of fists in his glims, from 
 some sweet creature he had deceived or otherwise 
 ill-used before starting, and the fair one had 
 been bottling up all this long time, to pay off 
 old scores. One woman presented a brace of 
 twin-boys to a big fellow as he jumped out of 
 the boat. 
 
 " * Hete, Bill,' says she, * be two brats for 
 ye — fine una too — all your own ; and now, you 
 come and pay for 'em !' 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 * ** I laughed very much at all this, thought It 
 fine fun, and it drove all my plans out of my 
 head. Then a salute was fired, as some swells of 
 the Admiralty hove in sight; the old Victory was 
 dressed out in her colors — and a guard of red- 
 coats passed by, all figged out in their best. 
 I thought to myself, no place ever could be so 
 enchanting as Portsmouth I 
 
 " The smoke from the guns cleared away — 
 the idlers were dispersing, and the pot-houses 
 resounded with laughter and squeaking fiddles. 
 An old fisherman went along in his high 
 boots and tarpaulin coat, and with a red cap 
 stuck on his mast-head ; in his hand he carried 
 a large basket, and his nets were cast over his 
 shoulders. A lad followed him — one about my 
 own age ; he bore an oar poised on his shoulder, 
 and was trailing another behind him. As he 
 came opposite to where I sat, the oar slipped 
 out of his hand, I jumped up, raised it from the 
 ground and offered to carry it down to the
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 195 
 
 boat, alongside of which the old man was now 
 standing. 
 
 "* Going fishing?' said I to the young 
 one. 
 
 *' ' Yes,' replied he. 
 
 ** ' I suppose I can't be of any use,' said I ; 
 ^ but I should like to have a sail, and to go out 
 fishing with you.' 
 
 *'*No, I don't suppose you would be of any 
 manner of use, young shaver,' replied the old 
 man, taking up the conversation ; ' but if you 
 want to go, what will you give ?" 
 
 " * Nothing,' f answered, as I turned on ray 
 heel. 
 
 " * Nothing ! We shnll grow fat on that ! 
 Well, jump in. You can make yourself useful, 
 in course,' observed the old man, as we sat 
 together, while the youngster was pulling us 
 out of harbour, * otherwise, you would not ex- 
 pect me to take you out and bring you back for 
 nothing.' 
 
 K 2
 
 196 ROUGH ASJy SMOOTH. 
 
 " ' I'll do what 1 can,' I answered ; * but I 
 never was in a sea-boat before ; if you'll tell me 
 what to do, I'll try my best, and shall be glad 
 to learn.' 
 
 **'And I am to learn you for nothing, eh? 
 I'll take you out to sea ; but whether I brings 
 you back again is another thing — pull away, 
 Jim.' 
 
 ** I only shook my head, and laughed defi- 
 ance at that. 
 
 " * Now that will do, Jim, lay your oars in, 
 and take for'ard the gib. Here, young master, 
 bear a hand to step the mast.' 
 
 " I was as clumsy as a spermaceti whale 
 with a dressing-case ; but I showed a willing- 
 ness, which the old fisherman did not spare. 
 "VVe had now got out to sea, and were scudding 
 before a sou- wester amongst the men-o'-war 
 at Spithead. My heart bounded as the little 
 craft crested the waves, and the foam splashed 
 at her bows. We brought up opposite Saint
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 197 
 
 Helens, the mast was then struck, and a big 
 stone fastened to a rope, was lowered to the 
 bottom, and did duty as anchor. 
 
 " Then we let down lines and hooks, baited 
 with shrimps and small fry ; while these were 
 in the water, young Jim dived into a sort of 
 fore-peak, and produced a lump of bread, and 
 a tin canister seemingly full of grease. He 
 then proceeded with his knife to lay some of 
 the soft stuff on the bread. 
 
 " * Have a bit ?' said he. 
 
 " ' Stop a while !' said the old file, who was 
 watching us, * what do you give? I can't af- 
 ford to feed you for nothing.' 
 
 " I don't mind giving you a trifle for some 
 bread,* I replied, for I felt the sharp pangs of 
 hunger. I produced a sixpence from my little 
 store. 
 
 " * 'Tisn't much,' replied old gripe-all, * but 
 it will do for the present ;' and he clutched the 
 silver from my hand, and broke me off a piece 
 of bread. The canister contained a mixture
 
 198 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 of rancid butter and boiled fish ; but I was 
 not over nice that morning, and thought it a 
 relish. We staid out some hours and caught 
 a decent show of whitings ; then we up with 
 the mast, and made sail home. 
 
 " ' What shall I do ?' I enquired. ' Heave 
 up the stone, if you're man enough !' said the 
 fisherman. 
 
 " I tugged away with all my strength, and 
 was just shipping it, when the boat heeled over 
 a little with the weight, and over we both went 
 stone and I, splash to the bottom ! I had best 
 chance, and rose to the surface. A boat-hook 
 caught hold of my clothes and sustained me. 
 
 '' ' Now then, what will you give ?' exclaimed 
 the old rascal. 
 
 **0h! take me out!' I spluttered, with my 
 mouth full of salt water. A horrid idea just 
 came over me that this might be what he 
 hinted at about not bringing me back again I I 
 was dragged on board, however, dripping and 
 shivering.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 199 
 
 " ' Never mind,* observed old Dabbs, such 
 was his name, 'it's only a christener for the 
 sea!* 
 
 *' As we sailed back, Dabbs questioned me 
 as to who and what I was — where I came from 
 — seeidg that I was neither flesh nor fowl, not 
 Portsmouth bred, and yet my rig was genuine 
 Queen Street. 
 
 " I informed him that I was from the country 
 and wanted to go to sea. 
 
 " ' Lor bless you 1' said he, * who'd take 
 you ? You aint no good to nobody — unless you 
 pay 'em. You've got some money, I 'spose?' 
 
 " * A few shillings,' I replied. 
 
 " * A few shillings ! 'taint much to be sure,' 
 said he, * if you'll be a good lad, and will assist 
 me in my business — you will learn something 
 by going out with me — if you be homeless, 
 you shall share Jim's food and bed ! That's 
 what I calls generosity, you will be a sea-ap- 
 prentice, and I shan't charge you a farden for
 
 200 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 the articles, but I feels for youth, 'tis my 
 natur ! so if agreed, shell out your cash, and 
 ril make it go as far as I can !' 
 
 " I did not choose to part with my money 
 on such short acquaintance, so I at last agreed 
 to board and lodge with him at one shilling a 
 week. 
 
 •' As soon as we got ashore, Jim and I were 
 sent to sell the whitings. He bawled lustily, 
 * Fresh whitings, ho !' I wish any of you could 
 have seen me, how you would have stared ! I 
 was not quite in voice at first. After a good 
 deal of trouble and bargaining we disposed of 
 the whole lot. 
 
 " Old Toby Dabbs was grandfather to Jim 
 of the same name. The boy's father was lost 
 at sea, the mother T never heard of. I soon 
 discovered that my future landlord and master 
 was the most miserly old skin-flint thit ever 
 existed ! He lived in a most wretched hovel. 
 It stood by itself — which was a wonder, for
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 201 
 
 every brick appeared loose. The approach was 
 by a filthy pig- sty ; we found the old man 
 anxiously awaiting our arrival. 
 
 *' * Well, well, have you sold the fish ?' he 
 exclaimed the instant we opened the door. 
 * Good boys !' said he, encouragingly * for sel- 
 ling it all — but couldn't you make any more ? 
 Are you sure you have given me all ?' 
 
 " We did our best to satisfy him on that 
 score, and then he gave directions to his grand- 
 son to prepare the supper. Jim forthwith took 
 out of a drawer a square rag, and that acted 
 as a table-cloth ; then the bread and canister 
 were duly laid on, old Toby fumbled in his 
 pockets for a key, unlocked the door of a cor- 
 ner cupboard, and brought out a herring which 
 he placed on the table, just as though he was 
 loading it with dainties. 
 
 ** ' There,' said he, ' old Granny will eat 
 none, that the youngsters may have the more !' 
 
 " I guess my countenance did not look over 
 
 pleasant at this miserable fare, when I could 
 K 5
 
 202 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 have devoured half an ox to my own cheek. 
 The herring was soon divided and swallowed. 
 This was sharing Jim's food with a vengeance I 
 It reminded me of the advertisements of * Two 
 apprentices wanted, who will be treated as 
 one of the family !' 
 
 *' * Now, old 'un, give us something more to 
 eat, I am not going to stay in this den to be 
 starved !' I exclaimed. 
 
 " The old man stared at me with astonish- 
 ment. He threw his lean arms over his head, 
 and rocking about in his chair he groaned out : 
 
 " * There's gratitude — there's gratitude I oh, 
 you blackened young sinner ! bad luck to your 
 mother — you expect me to do everything for 
 nothing ! — aint 1 hungry ? and aint I starving 
 that you may enjoy yourself ? If you're not 
 satisfied, go and buy more victuals with money, 
 or give me your money and I'll make it go 
 further!' 
 
 '' I handed over to him another sixpence. 
 He secured it in his fob, and immediately went
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 203 
 
 to his locker and produced a lump of bacon 
 
 and a portion of a loaf. 
 
 " ' There's a good six-pennorth,' said the old 
 
 shark, ' and nothing to pay for carriage, eat and 
 
 he-bust /' 
 
 *' I offered some to Jim, who was eyeing 
 
 me, but his grandfather at once put a stopper 
 
 upon that, saying that if I had any to spare 
 
 I had better give it to him. Whilst I was 
 eating, Toby kept rocking himself and stroking 
 his legs, mumbling all the time : 
 
 '* * There's gratitude — there's gratitude in a 
 boy !' 
 
 *' 1 ate as long as there was anything on the 
 table, and spun out the time, hoping to annoy 
 the old man. A draught of water from a 
 cracked jug finished the meal. You may sup- 
 pose that I did not expect to remain long to be 
 lodged and done for by Mister Dabbs, senior ! 
 The boy seemed quite contented and never 
 said a word, but he kept his great goggle eyes
 
 204 ROUGH Al^D SMOOTH. 
 
 upon me, and seemed a good deal surprised at 
 my doings. 
 
 ** * Now, Jim, clear the decks — look alive 
 there— fold the cloth and stow it carefully.— 
 Poor old granny must now go and work hard 
 — while you rest,— and pick up a few bits of 
 wood on the beach, that the kettle may sing 
 us a song to-morrow 1 Ah, hard life— there, 
 rattle up to roost — show young master the way 
 — good night, you young Salamander!' so say- 
 ing, grandfather Dabbs passed out, slammed 
 the door and locked it, before 1 had a word to 
 say ! 
 
 " * WelL I never !' was my first expression. 
 * Here, you Jim, come down again — you're not 
 going to bed yet, I'm not ! I won't stand being 
 locked in — I've a good mind to break the door 
 open. I'll pull the old rotten house about your 
 grandfather's ears, I will — here give us a can- 
 dle, nnd can't you get anything to drink ?— 
 Bend to the nearest public — ' 
 
 *' * What through the key-hole, I suppose ?'
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 205 
 
 replied Jim, who now found his voice, and had 
 descended the steps of the old cock-loft ladder. 
 * As for candle, lor love ye, we never see 
 sich a article as candle-grease in this here 
 abode — it would be quite a curosity ; besides 
 if granny was to catch us, would'nt he whop 
 us, I believe yer ?' 
 
 " * Whop us ? — whop us did you say ?' I ex- 
 claimed, lowering my ear as though I had not 
 heard aright, ' 1 should like to see him try that 
 game on ! I'm his lodger, not his slave ! I 
 shall sit here all night if I choose !' 
 
 " ' Please yourself, I'd rather turn in, we 
 shall be stirring afore it is light,' said Jim. 
 
 " * Now, young fellow,* I began somewhat 
 more coaxingly, ' sit round and be cozy ; first 
 fetch the brown jug and fill it with water that 
 we may have something to drink.' 
 
 ** * Granny never allows the use of it, except 
 at meals.' 
 
 *' * Your Granny is a thundering screw, and 
 I expect that you are not much better ! Bring 
 
 It: 
 
 I"
 
 206 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " The boy obeyed under the promise that if 
 these misdeeds were detected, I should not 
 peach upon him ; but take the blame on my- 
 self. I prevailed upon him to come and sit by 
 me for a little while, I even worked upon his 
 feelings to that extent that he hunted out an old 
 piece of wood, which belaid on with a desperate 
 air, as though he had now been and done it. 
 He blew it up with his mouth to a blaze, so 
 we at length had lights, although not wicked 
 ones. Jim seemed enjoying himself, he evi- 
 dently considered this as the grand lark of his 
 life, but once or twice he made a bolt to the 
 ladder, at the sound of approaching footsteps. 
 
 " He was not a bad-hearted chap, but a stu- 
 pid, sottish sort of fellow, with no more spirit 
 than a lump of clay ! Ill usage from babyhood 
 may have made him so. He was mortally 
 afraid of his grandfather, and beyond obeying 
 him, poor Jim hadn't an idea. He told me 
 his Granny was very poor, and went out every 
 night to gather any wood that might be thrown
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 207 
 
 up by the sea, and that he felt very thankful 
 to him for doing it, as otherwise he might have 
 to go himself, and the old man staid out so 
 late, that he was obliged to lock the door be- 
 fore he went. 
 
 " It struck me that it was queer that the 
 old man should be rummaging for wood ia the 
 dark — besides, he could not be so hard put to 
 it, as to be forced to stay out all night picking up 
 sticks I Jim soon got snoozy, and toddled off, and 
 as my eye-lids were growing heavy, I made no 
 further objections, but followed up the crazy 
 pair of steps. I had not yet been introduced 
 to my sleeping- room, and it was luckily so dark 
 that I could not behold the discomforts of that 
 wretched loft. Jim soon nestled amidst the 
 straw, and I had to grope about, and to take 
 my place by his side. Young blood will stand 
 anything ! so saying, that beggars mustn't be 
 choosers, and that I was seeing the world — 
 however much in the dark— and must learn to 
 rough it, I soon fell asleep.
 
 2 08 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " I know not how long I had lain, when I 
 was awoke by sounds below — I might have 
 dreamt it — but I thought some one was sing- 
 ing, then a lock seemed turned close to my 
 head. It was doubtless the old fisherman come 
 home from his nightly toil. 
 
 ** Misery makes a man acquainted with 
 strange bed-fellows, they say, and so I might 
 have said when I was roused before day-light 
 by a kick from my companion, and up he 
 jumped, shaking the litter from himself like a 
 poodle after a ducking. We descended, and 
 found Toby snoring dreadfully. The boy 
 shook him, and after a good stare, he got up. 
 We proceeded to the back yard to procure the 
 gear for the day's work. Oars and spars, 
 baskets and nets. 
 
 " The morning air was fresh and soft — the 
 Bun had not yet appeared, but there was that 
 bright glare which foretells his coming. There 
 ■was not a breath stirring — I enjoyed that 
 morning scene — the Hard was bare of every-
 
 ROUGH AND S3100TH. 209 
 
 thing living, except an occasional cat and a 
 sleepy watchman — and the only sound was the 
 sentry's challenge in the Dock-yard. The old 
 Victory loomed like a Giant amongst the pigmy 
 crafr, the uncertain light giving her twice her 
 height ! 
 
 " We threaded our way down the harbour, 
 a few boats were already on their course, 
 spreading their red-ochre canvass before us. 
 Our fishing ground was farther off to-day, at 
 the back of ' The Island ;' there we rigged a 
 trawl, and having lowered it, left it to its fate 
 as the breeze carried us gently along. Then I 
 off with my clothes — and the veteran Toby 
 having offered to show me how to strike out — ■ 
 I fastened a line round my waist, and was 
 dropped upon the bosom of the Ocean. Jim 
 and he laughed at my flounderings as they 
 looked over the side, nor would the old thief 
 haul me in again, till I had promised to give 
 him something for his trouble !
 
 210 ROUGH AND SxMOOTH. 
 
 " "Well, I must make sail — I have not much 
 more to say on this subject. Sometimes we 
 went out early— sometimes we staid out all 
 night — and sometimes we caught nothing — 
 sometimes we stretched away to the westward, 
 and brought fish from the smacks coming up 
 Channel. Occasionally Jim and I were sent 
 out alone, and if we caught nothing at sea, we 
 invariably caught something from the old one 
 at home. You may ask, why did I stay ? My 
 answer is where could I go ? what could I do ? 
 I was learning something of a sea-faring life, 
 and I was for ever on the watch for making a 
 fresh start. 
 
 " I learnt a good deal more of Toby Dabbs' 
 ways, and I found that he was an incorrigible 
 drunkard. Odd enough, he was at once a 
 miser and a spendthrift. His picking up wood 
 at night was all my eye — a Tom Titler tale to 
 gull the innocent — he was tippling gin at his 
 favorite pot-house all the while.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 211 
 
 " Young Jim and 1 were, of course, thrown 
 much together, and the boy took wonderfully 
 to me. I opened his eyes, by waking him up 
 at nights, and showing to him that his granny 
 wasn't such a saint, after all. I made him 
 listen to what jolly staves his poor grandad 
 could pipe, and I bid him ask the old reprobate 
 if he sometimes picked up spirits in the wood. 
 Jim caught a rope's-ending for his impertinence, 
 so I put him up to say that the next time he 
 received that treat would be the last time he 
 entered that house. 
 
 " The old man was amazed at the boldness of 
 his grandson, and declared that I was a bad boy, 
 not worth my salt, and had bred a mutiny in his 
 ship, and had made his Jim as bad as myself- 
 that the sooner I went the better, but that hia 
 grandson should never leave him. 
 
 " I coolly replied, that I had paid my shilling 
 in advance, fur my week's keep, and I should 
 not stir till my time was out. He tried to 
 starve us into order, and took away the herring ;
 
 212 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 but we found means to help ourselves. I men- 
 tioned before, that when I was roosting in the 
 loftj a key seemed turned close to my ear. I 
 discovered one night, by the light that gleamed 
 through the chinks of the flooring, that a thin 
 plank under me made the top of Toby Dabbs' 
 corner-cupboard. So I took my knife and cut 
 out a square piece, inserted my arm through 
 the aperture, and brought up some pork, then 
 some bread, dived again, and produced a stone 
 jar of gin ! 
 
 " Jim thought this fine fun—his eyes glis- 
 tened at the sight of the victuals ; he could not 
 resist, although he was in such a deuce of a 
 funk lest his granny should discover the theft. 
 After we had regaled ourselves, I handed 
 down the remains, and replaced the piece of 
 flooring, just as if nothing had happened. 
 
 " When the old boy returned, the closet- door 
 was almost immediately opened, and I heard 
 him swearing lustily and long. He said 
 nothing to us about it, however, next day, but
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 213 
 
 he was evidently bothered. If he had charged 
 us with the robbery, I had an answer ready for 
 him — if he came home drunk every night, how 
 could he tell, next morning, how much he 
 might have eaten or drunk overnight ? 
 
 " Our foraging operations went on for three 
 or four nights, with equal success. One even- 
 ing, 1 had removed the top — down went my 
 arm, and I laid hold of the stone jug — but I 
 could not raise it, it seemed glued to the 
 spot. 
 
 "*Here, Jim,* said I, * bear a hand with the 
 jar.' 
 
 "He immediately dropped his hand down 
 through the aperture, but we could not lift it 
 — when all at once, we felt our arms hauled 
 taut together. A candle flashed below, and 
 there was old Toby, looking up his cupboard ! 
 A rope-noose had been rove round our wrists, 
 and there were we caught in a trap, and couldn't 
 stir ! 
 
 "'Holloa, my hearties, I've cotched you at
 
 214 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 last ! How like a blessed pair of thieves you 
 look! Stay there till morning, you warraints, 
 and I wish you good night, and a pleasant time 
 of it !' 
 
 ** So saying, he took the rope and gave it a 
 turn or two round the bars of the grate, and 
 made it fast there, and then he went and threw 
 himself on his bed, muttering curses against 
 us little cherubs above ! 
 
 "Mighty easy situation for us! Our arms 
 were fastened down at their full stretch, and 
 the rope, or rather the line cut through our skin. 
 Jim began to blubber, what with pain and fright. 
 I soon put a stop to that music, and assured 
 him I would release him as soon as the old 
 Ogre should be asleep. I must tell you that 
 my left arm was still at liberty ; both of Jim's 
 were nabbed, but fortunately only one of mine 
 happened to be foraging at the time. So as 
 soon as master Dabbs was asleep, I fumbled 
 about for my knife, and having found it, I set 
 my left hand at work to saw the rope asunder,
 
 HOUGH AND SMOOTH. 215 
 
 which it did in time, and then we were relieved 
 from this painful position. 
 
 " ' Now lie still, Jim, till it's light,' said I, 
 * and then I intend to board that fine Indiaman 
 we passed yesterday, at anchor at the Mother- 
 bank, and offer myself to the captain ; and you 
 had better do the same, and leave that old 
 skin-flint of a grandfather, who will only starve 
 your life out.' 
 
 " I was so hot on the prospect of going on 
 board the Indiaman, that sleep was out of the 
 question. So we stole down as quietly as the 
 old tottering stairs would allow, — as we were 
 midway an oath was shot out by the sleeper 
 below — but it was only in his dream. Jim, 
 however, nearly ruined us, by attempting to rush 
 back. Now we were landed, but the hardest 
 part remained behind (I believe it is generally 
 the reverse !) The door-key was in old Dabb's 
 pocket, for he always slept in his clothes ! I 
 fished it out at last, the rusty latch grated 
 in the lock as it flew back, and the old fisher-
 
 216 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 man started up in his bed. Before he was con- 
 scious, we had passed the threshold, pulled out 
 the key, and locked the door on the outside ! 
 Then we ran to the harbour, jumped into the 
 boat, hoisted the mast, and made all sail for the 
 Motherbank ! 
 
 " There was the * Goggoshee-Boppagee ' 
 with her Blue Peter flying at her mast-head. 
 We could just hear the stamp-and-go of her 
 ship's company as her anchor was being weighed. 
 We were at the nick of time. Our boat 
 bounded and danced at the top of the weaves, 
 as she scudded along with a breeze right aft. 
 The anchor was just to the bows, as we luffed 
 up under the lea-quarter of the ship, and fetched 
 the gangway. We were observed running for 
 her from the deck, and preparations were made 
 to speak with us. Jim's heart failed him at 
 the last moment ; I was standing up urging 
 him to come on board with me, and to cast 
 the old boat adrift, when a sailor-lad sprang
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 217 
 
 down the side, and asked what we wanted — 
 whether we had despatches for the ship ? 
 
 " ' I must come on board !' I called out, so 
 wishing poor Jim good-bye, I presented him 
 with the remains of my fortune, laid hold of 
 the ropes, and followed the messenger up the 
 side. 
 
 " There was such a confusion on deck ! I 
 had never been on board so large a vessel be- 
 fore, and 1 was completely taken aback as I 
 looked down the length of her decks. The 
 Captain was busy on the poop, the chief officer 
 was bawling out his orders, the crew^ were 
 swarming up the rigging; in addition, there 
 was all the music of a farm-yard — cowslowino-, 
 sheep bleating and pigs grunting, it was a be- 
 wildering scene to me ! The chief officer seized 
 a moment of leisure and beckoned me impa- 
 tiently to him. 
 
 " ' Well, my lad, look alive, what is it ?' 
 
 " ' Please, sir,' said I, taking off my ' sou- 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 218 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 wester ' and twirling it round on my fingers, 
 * do you want a boy ?' 
 
 ** *Do I want a boy ? What do you mean ?' 
 
 *' * What is his business ?' said the Captain, 
 who had come down to learn the news. 
 
 *• * I should like to serve on board this ship, 
 sir, and I heard that you were still short of 
 hands,' said I addressing him. 
 
 " * You heard that we were short of hands, 
 did you ?' replied the Captain, * and much good 
 you would do us ! Away with you, you young 
 scamp, over the side, quicker than you came 
 up, otherwise it will be worse for you ! Come, 
 bolt, you impudent jackanapes — some young 
 rascal escaped from justice, I dare say I' 
 
 " I looked over the quarter, but Jim and the 
 boat were far away — they hulloed and shouted, 
 but he was out of reach of voice. 
 
 " * What's to be done now T enquired the 
 Chief Officer. 
 
 *' ' Throw him overboard 1' said the Captain. 
 
 " * Serve him right !' shouted several voices.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 219 
 
 " ' If jou please, sir/ spoke a fat man, whom 
 I found was the Steward, ' I could make him 
 useful, if you would permit him to assist me, 
 he looks more fitted for my line, apparently 
 being a genteel sort of youth. With so many 
 passengers we really require an extra hand. 
 Can you wait at table ?' 
 
 ** * Yes, sir !-~that is I'll try-' 
 " * Take him I said the Captain, *and if he 
 don't suit, pitch him to the sharks. He's a hard 
 bargain, or I am a Dutchman !' 
 
 " The Captain continued his orders, and 
 I followed my new chief below. I was now 
 fairly afloat ; I was entered on the ship's books 
 as James Dabbs, in an honorable, if not a lucra- 
 tive situation — a sort of marine boots to an 
 Indiaman ! 
 
 L 2
 
 220 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 " Woods, that was the steward's name, set me 
 at work immediately in wiping glasses, and 
 placing them in order in his pantry. Next I 
 had the knives and forks to clean, and the boots 
 to black. My hands were kept full till break- 
 fast time, when the hot coffee and soft bread 
 was a treat to me after my late hard fare. 
 After that I was sent to hunt for passengers' 
 luggage. The deck was strewed with boxes 
 and portmanteaus, which were being lowered
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 221 
 
 to the hold. 1 took this opportunity of looking 
 round the ship, and I was amazed at all I saw. 
 What a busy, motley crowd there was, and the 
 bustle of her 'tween decks was wonderful ! 
 Here were women and children squalling and 
 getting in everybody's way — there a strong 
 muster of red-coats going out to join their 
 regiments — here the carpenters at work — how- 
 ever, it is no use my describing these scenes to 
 you ; but we know that there is plenty in a 
 big ship to make a landsman, seeing it for the 
 first time, stretch his eye-ports into next 
 week! 
 
 " I was ordered to clean myself for waiting 
 at dinner in the cuddy, so I washed my hands 
 and face, and the steward lent me a colored 
 jacket, that my first public appearance might 
 be as imposing as possible, and do credit to his 
 arrangements. 
 
 " * My eyes !' said I to myself, * if any of our 
 people at home could see me now, what a 
 swell they would think me.'
 
 222 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " I felt more shy of encountering the quality 
 in the cuddy, than of any of the rough cha- 
 racters I had fallen in with lately. A flip from 
 my master's cloth on that part of my back 
 which was unprotected by coat-tails recalled me 
 to my duty. 
 
 '** Now, boy— don't go to sleep — hand that 
 soup !' 
 
 " So I did, and threw it over the neck and 
 shoulders of an old lady with a turban, who 
 sat on the right of the captain ! She jumped 
 up, and cried out that she was scalded, and her 
 dress spoilt. The steward blew me up sky- 
 high — the captain said nothing, but he gave me 
 a look — there was a rope's end in his eye, and 
 I shrunk away from it. 
 
 " * Never mind this once,* said a good-na- 
 tured old gentleman at the other end of the 
 table, * he'll do better next time ;' and so I 
 did. 
 
 " The cook, (bad luck to him), entrusted a
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 223 
 
 saddle of mutton to my hands to carry aft. I 
 tried my utmost to keep myself steady, and 
 opened my mouth wide that 1 might not spill 
 the gravy ; I succeeded admirably until I 
 reached the door of the cuddy — when my legs 
 failed me ! away ran the cover under the din- 
 ner-table — the meat fell to the ground — and I 
 made my entry amidst the astounded company, 
 seated astride on the mutton ! 
 
 " * D m the boy !' shouted almost every- 
 one. 
 
 ** * Pick up the pieces!' cried the rest. 
 
 '' * Kick him out, and don't let him appear 
 again !' exclaimed the captain. 
 
 *' Then some of them burst out laughing at 
 my piteous up-turned face, as I lay sprawling! 
 "' * It was a saddle,' observed one, * and I 
 dare say the poor boy wanted a ride, he only 
 required a bit in his mouth to make it com- 
 plete !' 
 
 ** I suffered a good deal of rough treatment
 
 224 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 at first; I was a hard bargain, I own, and I 
 believe they would gladly have pitched me 
 over-board, if they dared, or landed me any- 
 v/here, if they could. But I gradually got my 
 sea-legs, and grew handier at my trade, so I 
 was allowed to appear occasionally again 
 among the ladies and gentlemen. We had been 
 running before a favorable wind, and we found 
 ourselves ' all in the Bay of Biscayo* almost 
 before we expected it. 
 
 " There we encountered some severe weather 
 as usual, and we pitched and we tossed like 
 anything ! 
 
 The timbers groaned and cracked like basket- 
 work squeezed up together, and the women and 
 children were in full cry all the time, squally 
 weather indeed ! It was a grand sight to see 
 our ship with her bowsprit pointed down, 
 plunging into the trough of the sea, and then 
 with a bound, rising up on end to the sky ! 
 
 *' In crossing the line, we had the usual frolic 
 on board, and the greenhorns who were making
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH, 225 
 
 their first voyage were comfortably handled by 
 Neptune and his attendants. I, of course, was 
 one of the victims of the easy-shaving system. 
 It was, perhaps, partly owing to this process 
 that 1 felt myself G tar all over, so 1 made bold 
 to address the skipper one day, and begged 
 that he would allow me to do duty forward. I 
 was sick of the knife and shoe work, and the 
 waiting of the cabin ; I wished to be a seaman, 
 and not a steward's scullion. 
 
 " The skipper looked surprised at my impu- 
 dence, but said he would see about it. He 
 spoke to the mate, and soon I had the satisfac- 
 tion of being ordered to do duty with the boys 
 on the poop. In fact, I believe they were very 
 glad to dispense with mv services in the cuddy, 
 and I felt quite relieved by being out of hail of 
 Jimmy Woods. 
 
 " It was a queer life in this new berth of 
 
 mine — a hard one, but a merry one withal. 
 
 My rugged messmates treated me well enough, 
 
 for I was not a boy to be bullied, and I always 
 
 L 5
 
 226 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 put the best face on everything. Every night, 
 wind and weather permitting, we had a fiddle and 
 dance, and soon I could foot it 'tween decks 
 with the best of them. I was taught to knot 
 and to splice, and to handle a marlin-spike. It 
 was dizzy work, first going up aloft, but I got 
 the better of that, and took a pleasure in it, 
 and I heard the boatswain say that I could lay 
 out on the yards, or haul out a weather earin' 
 as smart as any chap. 
 
 " None of the cabin passengers ever noticed 
 me after my change of position (and their 
 former attentions were not, deservedly^ very- 
 favorable) except the good-natured old gentle- 
 man whom I mentioned before. He always 
 spoke to me very kindly, whenever he saw me. 
 He asked me if I were fond of reading, and 
 lent me books, in which his name was written 
 — ^Richard Brown,'' That was my godfather's 
 name — this might be he, for all I knew. He 
 used to question me a good deal ; he saw I was 
 not brought up to the sea. It was no use my
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 227 
 
 opening his eyes, whoever he might be, so I 
 told him I came from Portsmouth, stuck to the 
 alias, and kept my history to myself. 
 
 '* We dropped him at Madras. At parting, 
 he put five sovereigns into my hand, and bade 
 me be a good lad. That's all I know of him, and 
 I don't suppose that I shall ever fall in with 
 him again. 
 
 "After that, we continued our way to 
 China. 
 
 '* I remained two years in the ' Goggoshee 
 Boppagee,' trading between India and China, 
 and after that, we sailed, with a promiscuous 
 cargo, for some of the islands of the eastern 
 Archipelago. 
 
 " One morning, vvhen only a slight breeze 
 enabled us to keep the ship's head the right 
 way, and it soon after falling calm, the captain 
 determined to send a party ashore on the small 
 island of Lette, which lies to the eastward of 
 Timor (and from which we were then lying oif 
 about a league) as he knew good water was
 
 228 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 easily procured there. The cutter was hauled 
 out, under charge of the boatswain' s-mate ; 
 four seamen and myself formed the crew. Our 
 work was almost finished, indeed, we were 
 bringing our last cask to the beach, when the 
 booming of a gun came over the water to 
 us. 
 
 " ' HuUoa ! what's in the wind now ?' we 
 exclaimed, as we raised our eyes and perceived 
 that the atmosphere hid become murky and 
 close, all at once, and there was a low, hollow 
 sound of a wind rising. 
 
 " Our skipper evidently anticipated the 
 arrival of a hurricane — one of those infernal 
 Tornados that give one so little notice in these 
 climes. The gun, doubtless, was a signal for 
 us to come aboard without delay. 
 
 " We made all haste to stow the casks in the 
 cutter, but before we could get her afloat, the 
 surge came hissing up the beach. Not a ino- 
 inent was to be lost — every instant its fury in- 
 creased, and it lashed itself into foaming waves.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 229 
 
 We were thrice driven back, and the boat 
 thrown on her beam-ends. 
 
 " A question now arose as to whether we 
 had not better remain on shore till the storm 
 had passed. Another gun was fired — and 
 another. 
 
 " * Let's give her another chance, my lads !' 
 cried the coxswain. 
 
 ** We then started most of the water — 
 seized a moment — launched the boat— jumped 
 in — and at the imminent risk of being swamped, 
 we got her off. 
 
 ** But it was all in vain ; it was impossible to 
 keep the boat's head straight. We were com- 
 pletely at the mercy of the winds and waves, 
 and they banged us about in all directions. 
 
 " The wind howled like ten million demons 
 assailing your ears at once ; in its fury it whirled 
 masses of water up into the air; enormous 
 waves rose like spectres around, and dashed 
 head- foremost upon us, so that we were rapidly 
 filling.
 
 230 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " Another gun — we could see the flash dis- 
 tinctly in the supernatural darkness that sur- 
 rounded us — the gallant bark could wait no 
 longer, she rode so heavily that for her own 
 safety she was obliged to slip her cable and 
 run. 
 
 " It was totally out of our power to get back 
 to land, our only chance was to trust to our boat 
 holding together, and to her weathering the 
 storm, in which case we might be picked up by 
 our ship, for she was sure to return and look 
 for us, as soon as the hurricane had passed. 
 
 ** We never saw our good ship again I We 
 were blown out to sea, we knew not where, we 
 had not a compass on board, but what was more 
 terrible still — with the exception of a biscuit in 
 the mate's pocket, we had not a morsel to eat ! 
 Towards evening the tempest seemed nearly to 
 have exhausted itself, but it was pitch dark, 
 not a star to be seen, and nothing shining but 
 the phosphorous amidst the froth of the waters. 
 By midnight the weather had greatly moder-
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 231 
 
 ated, and then we had the first opportunity of 
 talking of hunger. We soaked our coxswain's 
 solitary biscuit in water, which we placed in a 
 bowl— which happened to be there for bailing 
 purposes— thinking by these means to make it 
 go further. The only danger we were free from 
 that night, was that of enduring a night-mare 
 after a heavy supper I 
 
 " The morning, which we awaited with much 
 painful anxiety, broke with such a heavy, dense 
 mist upon the sea, that the eye could not pene- 
 trate it, and the sun was blood-red, and huno- 
 up in the sky, as you may have seen it in a 
 London fog. The wind rose as the day ad- 
 vanced, and about noon it increased to a o-ale. 
 
 " We were in continual danger of beino- 
 swamped, such was the violence of the waves. 
 At evening-tide there was a lull, the elements 
 had apparently had their fill, and we hoped this 
 might be their last blow-out for some time to 
 come. When ours was to arrive, it was diffi- 
 cult to foresee, so we relinquished our oars for
 
 232 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 the present and took a long pull at the water- 
 cask. We kept up our spirits by hoping that 
 we might fall in with our ship next day, and 
 we sansc sonojs all round, to make amends for 
 better cheer. 
 
 *' Next morning the heavens were as clear 
 as a pikestaff, there was not a breath stirring, 
 there was just a swell on the water which had 
 not yet recovered from the late irritation, but 
 as the day wore it subsided into a dead calm. 
 There was not a speck visible high or low, we 
 strained our eyes in all directions, we stepped 
 our mast and set our sail that we might be more 
 conspicuous — we climbed to the top and raked 
 the horizon, but we could not discover any- 
 thing. 
 
 *' The pangs of hunger got hold of us — how 
 sharp they are— I had never felt them before I 
 We broke up a piece of old wood and soaked it 
 and tried to swallow it ; we cut up a shoe and 
 tried to chew it, but it was hard of digestion. 
 If we had had a French cook on board, no doubt 
 we should have dined well I Luckily we had
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 233 
 
 not at present the horrors of thirst to contend 
 with in addition. 
 
 " We found a relief in taking off our wet 
 clothes, which we hung up to dry. The power- 
 ful rays of the sun soon completed that opera- 
 tion, and we stood up and rubbed our stiffened 
 limbs with pieces of sail-cloth, for we were all 
 cramped after remaining for so many hours ex- 
 posed to the wet in the same position. 
 
 ** What was to be done now ? The suspense 
 was dreadful ! If we remained still, we might 
 be starved to death,^-if we moved away we 
 should not know where we were going, and 
 that diminished the chances of the bark's fall- 
 ing in wath us. The men were getting sulky 
 and unmanageable, and the coxswain ordered 
 them to take to the oars, and we pulled 
 sometimes in one direction and sometimes 
 in another, but we came back to pretty 
 nearly the same place, as far as we could 
 judge, and this was rather to give occupation 
 to our little crew, than for any good that it 
 could do us. A few words of our party. —
 
 234 ROUGU AND SMOOTH. 
 
 There was the coxswain, he was a Scotchman, 
 a short, stout, bullet-headed, thick-necked fel- 
 low, by name Magregor. A man of few words, 
 but a cool, determined fellow, and a sailor every 
 inch of him! Then there was Potter, a nasty, 
 mealy-faced, white-liver'd fellow, a man whom 
 all disliked, and I hated ; he owed me a grudge 
 or two for little things down in the fore-castle. 
 Next came Phelps, a younger man than the 
 others, sickly and delicate-looking, but a good 
 sort of man enough ; then there was Jack 
 Saunders, an old favorite with the ship's com- 
 pany, but a queer customer when once roused. 
 Then last of all — as it is not necessary to give 
 my own character — there was a horrid brute of 
 a Lascar, Jansy we called him, a furious, wild 
 chap, when he had the least drop of liquor on 
 board, at other times a sneaking, sulky devil ; 
 such were my companions in the cutter. 
 
 " We began to despair of the bark's finding 
 us. From observations of the heavens Magregor 
 imagined that we had drifted to the southward
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 235 
 
 of Timor. Potter declared that it was no use 
 our remaining there to be otarved, and that as 
 the mate had got us into this trouble — by or- 
 dering the boat to be launched when they 
 should have remained on shore — that he had 
 better do the best he could to extricate us by 
 steering for land. 
 
 " So we were told off in watches, two at a 
 time at the oars, for we were now so weak, 
 that we could only pull for a very short time. 
 Towards evening, our hearts were rejoiced by 
 catching two boobies, they settled on our boat's- 
 yard, and were easily secured. We tore one 
 in pieces, and ate it voraciously, and thought 
 it delicious. Magregor insisted that the other 
 should be kept till the morrow, but the men 
 were wild with hunger, and demanded that it 
 should be given up to them. Jansy stretched 
 out to seize it, but the mate started up, and 
 detaching the iron tiller from the rudder, de- 
 clared he would murder the first man that ap-
 
 236 ROUGH AXD SMOOTH. 
 
 preached. This threat, and ^Nlagregor's deter- 
 mined attitude had its effect. 
 
 " That night, as the coxswain was Ijing 
 asleep at the bottom of the boat, and I lay 
 curled up in the stem-sheets, thinking of my 
 home that I had deserted, I heard a whispered 
 conversation going on between Potter and 
 Jansy, whose watch it was. The sound of my 
 own name arrested my attention — they fancied 
 I was asleep— I took care to give a snore every 
 now and then to assure them of it, and I lis- 
 tened with all my ears. 
 
 "It was a proposal to throw me and the 
 coxswain overboard I 
 
 " * TThat good are they to us ?* said that ril- 
 lain Potter, in a stifled voice. ' They are so 
 much dead weight. Their death may save the 
 rest. If we are fated to reach land, we can tell 
 our own tales, and set up for ourselves — if we 
 are not, then they ought to be thankful to us 
 for sparing them the misery of dying by in- 
 ches !'
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 237 
 
 "'We won't throw the boy overboard/ 
 whispered the infernal Lascar, * because if it 
 comes to the worst, we can eat him !' 
 
 " Then he went on to ask, how Potter pro- 
 posed to come over the other two. 
 
 *' ' Oh ! they are easily settled, after that 
 we have got rid of old Sandy and the boy, if 
 they are not agreeable !' 
 
 " You may fancy how I sickened at these 
 words ! Could any situation be more dreadful 
 than mine ? Sleep, of course, after this dis- 
 covery was out of the question ; but I re- 
 mained still that I might pick up any further 
 intelligence. I took care after this never to 
 take rest at the same time with Magregor, and 
 resolved I would acquaint him with our danger 
 on the first opportunity. 
 
 *' In the course of next day, we had the 
 good luck to pick up a turtle, floating on the 
 surface of the water, it was almost putrid ; but 
 we were very thankful for it, and it afforded us 
 a good meal.
 
 238 EOUGH AND SMCOTH. 
 
 " We kept our courae, under the mate's di- 
 rections as steadily as we could, but as yet 
 there was nothing in our prospects to cheer 
 us. The heat was intense during the day, and 
 our faces and hands were masses of ulcers. To 
 add to our misery, the stock of water began to 
 fail, for no precautions had been taken to al- 
 lowance ourselves, but every one went and 
 drank as much as he pleased. We had now 
 only about a gallon left, and, for a wonder, we 
 all agreed on this point, that it was necessary 
 to measure it out. We cast lots as to who should 
 be set over it, and Jack Saunders was chosen. 
 The measure was to be one of the men's baccy 
 boxes to be filled for each once a day, holding 
 about half a wine glass. 
 
 " We had now been out five nights. What 
 a wretched existence it was ! How we survived 
 80 long is a wonder to me! I don't believe if 
 our messmates on board the Goggoshee-Bop- 
 pagee had met us, that they would have known 
 us, so altered were we— such miserable, care-
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 239 
 
 worn creatures you never saw, we had fallen 
 away to half our usual size I 
 
 ** There were continual quarrels amongst us, 
 so irritable had we become. No wonder that 
 hunger should make us snappish I 
 
 *' To add to my discomfort, poor Phelps, 
 who had been ailing for some time, sank from 
 exhaustion, and died without a groan. This I 
 felt to be another chance against me« I fan- 
 cied that I detected an air of triumph in Potter 
 and Jansy when the body was cast over- 
 board. 
 
 " That ' night it was intensely hot. T lay 
 down in great anxiety, and did not close an 
 eye-lid, wearied as I was, because it was the 
 conspirators' watch. I placed myself so that I 
 could watch every motion of theirs. We had 
 had nothing to eat, all day, but a portion of the 
 turtle, and that had caused a burning thirst. 
 Potter soon fell asleep— then I saw the Lascar 
 rise as quietly as possible from his seat — my 
 heart beat wildly. I prepared to start on my
 
 240 ROUGU AND SMOOTH. 
 
 legs in an instant 1 would not be eaten, if I 
 could help it ! He approached the water-cask 
 and removed the spigot, he filled the bowl and 
 was swallowing draughts of the precious liquid. 
 I gave Saunders, who was lying down ahead of 
 me, such a furious kick that he sprang to his 
 feet and caught the culprit in the act. He 
 dashed the emptied bowl from his hands, and 
 laying hold of his collar, inflicted such a blow 
 as floored the rascal in a trice. 
 
 "A scuffle then ensued, in which Jansy 
 drew his knife and stabbed Saunders in the 
 side. The noise awoke the coxswain. Jansy 
 had risen again, and Saunders had seized a 
 stretcher, and holding the Lascar by the throat, 
 was about to beat him on the head. Magregor 
 caught the up-raised arm, and staid the blow. 
 I took this opportunity of mentioning what 1 
 had overheard ; neither of the conspirators 
 denied it. 
 
 " * And now,' said Saunders, * the rascal
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 241 
 
 would destroy us all by driDking up the water 
 — and look how he has served me !' 
 
 ** He showed us the blood trickling from his 
 wound. Magregor w^ithdrew his hand, the 
 Lascar was knocked down again, and beat on 
 the head with the stretcher. Oh, it was a 
 fearful, horrible scene! I shudder when I 
 think of it. Jansy's body w us cast over the 
 side, and splashed in the water. A few hours 
 had removed two of our comrades I 
 
 *' We were so weakly, that this excitement 
 left us in a state of complete exhaustion. Jack 
 Saunders was the next victim released from 
 this life of suffering. The heat of the sun 
 operated very prejudicially on his wound ; we 
 could not staunch the blood, and he fell asleep 
 to wake no more. It was a pitiable sight, to 
 look down the deserted th., arts so lately occu- 
 pied ! 
 
 "Who was to go next? I had no inclina- 
 tion to be left alone with Potter ! Another 
 wretched night- returning light of day re- 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 242 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 vealed to us who Death had marked for his 
 early prey I We found Potter stretched out, 
 quivering and shaking in every limb. He cried 
 for water — we applied the bowl to his mouth, 
 but he could not swallow — we squeezed a little 
 into his mouth, and dabbed his parched lips 
 with a wet cloth. He became delirious, and 
 raved and swore dreadfully. So outrageous 
 was he, that our united efforts could not 
 restrain him, and as long as he kept his hands 
 off us, we suffered him to continue his vagaries. 
 Our hearts were hardened by the scenes we 
 had witnessed, and our position made us selfish 
 — aye, and cruel ! We hoped that the fit that 
 was upon him might seize him, so as to cast 
 him overboard. At length, in agonies, he 
 died, gasping for water I 
 
 " The stout-hearted man and the boy were 
 the sole survivors of that boat's- crew, and 
 which one was to be left alone ? We had 
 looked death in the face, and were not ap- 
 palled now — we had become callous to life. I
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 243 
 
 shivered, and yet my blood boiled in my veins ; 
 I was helpless as an infant, and could do 
 nothing but cry. I begged Magregor if he 
 ever returned to England, that he would tell 
 my father and mother, and Adrian, how I re- 
 gretted them, and that I thought of them to 
 the last — and I laid myself down to die ! 
 
 *' What powers of endurance that man had ! 
 Hope never deserted him ! 
 
 *' * Keep up your spirits, my boy,' said he, 
 as I lay rolling at the bottom and sucking my 
 fingers, having nothing else to put in my 
 mouth. " Hold on a little longer, for by 
 Heaven, I believe deliverance is at hand. 
 There are masses of sea-weed floating past and 
 I see birds flying in the distance — certain 
 signs of approaching land.' 
 
 " Magregor was a true prophet, and he spied 
 
 out the land at last. I remember no more, 
 
 for I became completely insensible. I found 
 
 myself in bed at the house of the Dutch 
 
 M 2
 
 244 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 Governor at Copang, the capital of the Island 
 of Timor. We received the kindest treatment 
 there, and nothing was left undone to restore 
 us to health and strength. The past seemed to 
 me like a dream, and a very unpleasant one too. 
 How wondrously we had been preserved ! 
 
 " It was long before we recovered, and some 
 months elapsed before we found a chance of 
 leaving the island. At length, the British brig 
 * May-flower,' of Milford, hove in sight, and 
 the captain at once granted us a free passage. 
 We gratefully took leave of our kind-hearted 
 Dutch friends, and arrived at our destination 
 without further accident. 
 
 *' The captain and crew — when we reached 
 England — generously subscribed a small sum 
 for our maintenance, for we had not a farthing 
 between us. Here I parted with my friend and 
 companion, who had shared with me so many 
 trying scenes. Like a true Scotchman, his 
 first desire was for his country, and he
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 245 
 
 took immediate advantage of a ship going 
 nor'ards. 
 
 ** As for myself, I determined, with a broken 
 spirit, to set out for London on foot, and to seek 
 the house of my father.
 
 246 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 CHAPTER XTI. 
 
 " I had not proceeded far on my way — for I 
 trudged 8lowly,the sun was pretty strong for these 
 parts, and I was not yet in good trim, and my 
 thoughts were busy at work — when a little 
 dapper man, whom I had observed in the inn- 
 yard, at Milford, caught me up, at the bottom 
 of a hill. He was short and fat, and was not 
 an e very-day man. He looked the best tem- 
 pered man in the world, I should have said at 
 a glance that he was a jolly dog, a fellow who
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 247 
 
 could sing a stave, tell a story, and like his 
 grog as stiff as a Marine's neckcloth ! He had 
 an oily sort of skin, and merry, little, cunning 
 eyes. His whiskers were full, and of a rum- 
 mish cut. He wore a low-crowned, broad- 
 rimmed hat like a Quaker's, a bright green, 
 full coat, with shiny buttons, and a flaring 
 waistcoat. He also had gold shirt-pins, and 
 several rings on his little fat fingers, and gilt 
 chains run athwart his chest. His was what they 
 call ashore rather a splendid get-up ! 
 
 "He drove a sleek stout cob —as like its 
 master, as man and beast could well be — in a 
 low, heavy, four-wheel chaise. It was one of 
 those sort of vehicles which we meet some- 
 times along the roads— a cross between a cart 
 and a chaise — driven by smart, commercial 
 gents, carrying patterns to the country shop- 
 keepers. There was room for two in front — 
 or rather one and a half alongside of such a 
 stout-built chap as this — all the rest was hind- 
 boot or box, or stowage, as we should term it.
 
 248 -ROUGH AND 83IOOTH. 
 
 *^ * Young man, or juvenile,' said the round 
 gentleman, as he shortened sail, and hove-to 
 abreast of me, looking as serious as a par- 
 son afore meals, and yet all the while there 
 was a laugh in the corner of his eyes ; ' pre- 
 suming on the disparity of years— as Socrates 
 observed to the pons asinorum — may I make 
 bold to ask the favor of your releasing my 
 hindmost wheel from the skin or pan, or, as it 
 is vulgarly denominated the drag ?' 
 
 " * By all manner of means,' I replied, 
 quickly laying hold of the chain. 
 
 '* ' Thank you kindly ! Allow me to ask an- 
 other question, and that is, if you do not find it 
 hot work toiling along the road, under the 
 sweltering sun, as the poets have it?' 
 
 ** ' Certainly, very hot !' I replied, taking off 
 my hat, and mopping my forehead. 
 
 " ' And have you not, sir, universally found it 
 to be one of the laws of Nature — which, like 
 the Medes and Prussians, never say die — that
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 249 
 
 there is more heat and dust on a hot and dry 
 day — than at other times ?' 
 
 " * I shouldn't wonder,' said I ; and I felt 
 my nose itching for my thumb and fingers to 
 be stretched out from it. 
 
 *' * If you prefer ease and comfort to toil and 
 labour, and riding consequently to walking,' he 
 continued, * and if our roads lie in the same 
 direction, jump up and occupy the seat beside 
 me, for as Archimedes has beautifully defined 
 it, * Two parallel lines being carried on to the 
 same point, must meet in the end !' 
 
 ** I required no pressing, but hoisted myself 
 in a jiiFy to the space pointed out, feeling sadly 
 puzzled as to what sort of craft I was in com- 
 pany with. 
 
 ** * Young man !' he began again, after a bit, 
 carrying on the same press of canvass as be- 
 fore, 'pray whom do you, in your humble 
 capacity, consider the greatest man of the 
 age?' 
 
 " * The greatest man of the age ?' 1 repeated.
 
 250 ROUGU A]SD SMOOTH. 
 
 thinking to myself what the jingo can Fatty 
 be at, — 'Why/ said I, * they say the Duke of 
 "Wellington is the greatest captain of the age, 
 but I don't believe a word of it. Storkings of 
 the ' Goggoshee-Boppagee,' a ship that I sailed 
 in — would beat him all to fits ! I never saw 
 such a man as Storkings ; be blowed if that 
 man hadn't an eye like a gimlet.' 
 
 " Silence, noisy babbler ! hout awa, mon, as 
 they say in the Hebrides; well, after him? 
 
 *' ' After Storkings and the Duke of Wel- 
 lington? That's a puzzler I' said I. * Well, I 
 suppose Jones, the Welsh giant, is the greatest 
 man living, for he measures seven feet.' 
 
 ** ' Bah !' he exclaimed, a little impatiently ; 
 ' where have you been that you never heard of 
 Doctor Demannaduke Washington ?' 
 
 " ' At sea, sir,' said I. 
 
 '* ' Had you not been at sea, you would have 
 known that Doctor Demannaduke Washington 
 is the greatest man of the age — and I am he I' 
 said hc; proudly, striking his chest.
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 251 
 
 " * Indeed !' said I, touching my hat respect- 
 fully, determined to humour the stout gentle- 
 man, and not having yet decided in my own 
 mind whether he was most madman or fool. 
 * Pray pardon my ignorance, great doctor, and 
 tell me what benefits you have conferred on 
 mankind ?' 
 
 ("I must here overhaul my log pretty closely, 
 for the learned man's jaw-cracking words are 
 plaguy hard to remember.) 
 
 "*I am the celebrated Professor of Phre- 
 nology, Physiology, Catalepsy, and the hitherto 
 occult science of Mesmerism! which not to 
 know argues yourself — an ignoramus! I can 
 read men's characters by the bumps on their 
 heads, or the features of the face, or I can ex- 
 tort them whilst they are asleep, as easily as if 
 written in a book ! I come, ladies and gentle- 
 men,' continued he, becoming excited, and for- 
 getting the extent of his audience, 'from the 
 far West, from America, the land of Liberty,
 
 252 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 whose glorious flag of stars and stripes waves 
 over thousands of free and enlightened citizens 
 and millions yet unborn ! In that free country 
 — untrammelled by the prejudices which clog 
 the cog-wheels of European civilization-— 
 bloodless as my triumphs were — I was esteemed 
 one of the greatest of heroes ! In the famed 
 city of New York, no trial took place without 
 my presence : 1 occupied a seat on the ri^ht 
 hand of the judge ; I critically examined the 
 faces and pericraniums of prisoners, and wit- 
 nesses, and jurors. I was able in a moment 
 privately to inform the judge, that So-and-so 
 was telling a tarnation lie ! It was a new era, 
 sir, in criminal jurisprudence. In one impor- 
 tant tri\l — in which 1 felt interested — I mag- 
 netised the only dissentient juryman. I threw 
 him into a profound state of somnolency, from 
 which he may not, perchance, have yet awoke, 
 for I left that hemisphere for other and new 
 fields of usefulness !'
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 253 
 
 "You would have thought by the doctor^s 
 manner that he was speechifying at a great 
 public meeting. FTe stopped and looked at me 
 out of the corner of his droll little eyes, wiped 
 his face, and seemed to be stopping for ap- 
 plause. I lifted my hat respectfully, and asked 
 if he would favor me by feeling some of my 
 bumps, that I had some very peculiar ones, 
 and I was curious to hear what so great a man 
 thought of them. 
 
 " * Willingly, my young friend. Ah ! you 
 have a fine development here,' said he, proceed- 
 ing to explore, and placing his finger and thumb 
 on a swelling produced by my poor figure-head 
 coming in collision with the jib-boom in a 
 stiff breeze on board the ' May-flower.' 
 
 *'^Yes,' I observed, 'pleased to touch it 
 gently, Doctor.' 
 
 " * Ah ! you are sensitive, I see.' 
 
 " ' On that point certainly,' I replied. 
 
 " ' I saw it at once, sir, a sensitive disposi- 
 tion—and this bump is in animals the root of
 
 254 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 the horns, called by the Greeks chronon-hoton- 
 thologus !' 
 
 *' * You are sure it is not propria qu<B maribuSf 
 Doctor ?' said I, looking up and smiling, for I 
 was not so forgetful of my little school-learn- 
 ing as to be bamboozled by hia Greek. 
 
 " He looked at me hard for a minute, I was 
 not quite sure that he was not going to try to 
 knock me down, then his little peepers closed 
 and his mouth opened wide, and his fat sides 
 shook with laughing. 
 
 " * The fact is,' said he as soon as he could 
 find his voice, ' the fact is, I believe we are 
 both humbugs together.' He took out a pocket- 
 handkerchief, wiped his eyes, and proceeded, 
 dropping altogether the trumpet-voice in which 
 he had been dealing. — * I saw you in the inn- 
 yard at Milford, and the landlord told some of 
 us, who were by, that you were a poor devil of a 
 cast-away sailor, in order to excite our charity. 
 I gave nothing — but I said (like Balaam's ass 
 speaking to his master, eh ?) I can do more for
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 255 
 
 that party than any one, — and so 1 can and will 
 if you've a mind I I have long been on the 
 look-out for a likely youth, such as you appear 
 to be, and if you will join me, I will promise 
 you light work and large profits ; in short there 
 is no reason why you should not shortly be 
 enabled to drive your own four-wheel, as I 
 do.' 
 
 ^' * In what capacity do you propose that I 
 should be ?' I asked. 
 
 " * Perfectly your own master, to stay or go 
 as you please, all I require is, that whilst we 
 are in partnership, you will assist my views and 
 promise not to betray me.' 
 
 ** * All fair and above board, eh ?' said I. 
 
 ** * There is nothing that you can object to,' 
 he replied, at * all events, you can always leave 
 me whenever you please.' 
 
 " ' Tell me all, and trust to my honor !' said I. 
 
 *' He told me my manner inspired confidence, 
 and that he would impart that to me which one 
 in a thousand should not hear. He informed
 
 256 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 me that he was no more a Yankee than I was ; 
 that he was the son of a respectable, square- 
 toe'd Quaker at Reading, who kept a small 
 shop in what I believe is considered a genteel 
 business, namely, the chandlery and fat line, 
 but he had a soul above grease, and having at- 
 tended a lecture on phrenology and mesmerism 
 at the Literary Institution, he had deter- 
 mined to start on his own account. His stock- 
 in-trade consisted of a few pamphlets, some 
 plaster casts, a brace of skulls and some medi- 
 cine bottles. He journeyed about from place 
 to place, carrying on a good trade in the shape 
 of a scientific lecturer. 
 
 " ' You've heard of the golden age, my young 
 friend ? said he, * well, that's past, and this is 
 the age of brass or impudence. Humbug I 
 call it, and your only great man is he who can 
 humbug best !— Why, the Duke of Wellington, 
 whom you mentioned just now, didn't he out- 
 manoeuvre Old Boney ? and what do you call 
 that?— Don't the King's ministers humbug?
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 257 
 
 I believe you ! — Don't doctors humbug ? ra- 
 ther ! — Lawyers ? by no means ! — Parsons, 
 occasionally ? Depend upon it * Do as you 
 would be done^ should be your motto, if you 
 want to rise in the world ! — I live by humbug, 
 and 1 look well and hearty, don't I ? — 1 hum- 
 bugged the Captain of a Trader to take me 
 over to America, I looked about me there, made 
 use of my eyes in the New World, lectured 
 among the Yankees, though they are uncom- 
 mon 'cute chaps, I tell you ; I let my hair grow 
 and called myself a German Professor ; and 
 then I humbugged another Captain to bring 
 me back again. Now I calculate I can talk 
 of Boston and New York, Massachusetts and 
 Kentucky, just as much through my nose as 
 if I was a native-born citizen, and I find it pay, 
 for John Bull with all his dislike to foreigners, 
 is much more easily hoaxed and beguiled by 
 them. If opera dancers and singers were 
 Browns and Smiths, who would care to see
 
 268 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 them ? — Humbug, sir, humbug, all is humbug I' 
 and again he set oflf laughing. 
 
 1 was greatly amused with the little fat man, 
 and I laughed heartily with him. I was also 
 pleased with the openness with which he had 
 treated me. What part I had to play was not 
 yet explained, but his offers were tempting to a 
 half-starved wretch like me; and contenting 
 myself with the idea that beggars must not be 
 choosers, I determined to accept his bounty, 
 join his service as a volunteer, and sail under 
 his colors as long as I was not ashamed of 
 them. 
 
 " * Bravo !' he exclaimed, as soon as I told 
 him that I had made up my mind. ' You see I 
 am not without skill, otherwise, I should never 
 have hit upon you as being the right sort for 
 me. Just hold the ribbons for a moment,' 
 said he, passing the helm over to me, which 
 was rather confusing at first, seeing that the 
 tiller-ropes came for'rard instead of aft ! He 
 raised himself from his steerage-box, dived
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 259 
 
 down below, and brought up a stone jug of 
 porter, and a mug . 
 
 " ^ They used to call me, at home, a loet 
 quaker, but I assure you I am dry enough now, 
 ha ! ha ! So, we'll drink to our future suc- 
 cess/ 
 
 **He emptied the mug, and then re-filled it, 
 and handed it to me. 
 
 ** We kept a steady course, making but few 
 knots an hour ; but the learned man was busy 
 all the while in putting me up to the time of day. 
 Towards evening, we approached a small country 
 town, and having learnt my lesson, I w^s furnished 
 with some silver, and told that my prize-money 
 would depend upon my success. 
 
 *' The doctor hauled his wind, and having 
 brought-to for me to land, I jumped out, and 
 finished the rest of the way on foot. 
 
 " I acted according to my instructions, and 
 followed slowly after him. I saw his chaise in 
 the court-yard of the grand inn of the place, 
 but I took no notice, but passed right on, and
 
 260 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 to ^he very last house in the towD, which hap- 
 pened to be a small pot-house, and entering 
 there, with my bundle slung over my shoulder, 
 1 applied for a night's lodging, which I ob- 
 tained. In the evening, I strolled out, and 
 laughed to myself to see our blessed Union 
 Jack floating cheek by jowl with the American 
 ensign from a window of the inn where the 
 Doctor's quarters were, and a crowd beneath 
 was trying to read, under the lamp, a placard 
 longer than my arm. I noted down a copy of 
 it, here in my pocket-book, and you shall have 
 it: 
 
 "^ GREAT AND GLORIOUS NEWS!!! 
 
 " * Unexpected arrival of the celebrated 
 American Phrenologist and Mesmerist and 
 Physician, Doctor Demannaduke Washington, 
 from Boston, in North America: Doctor of 
 Medicine, Professor of Occult Sciences in the
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 261 
 
 celebrated University of Kentucky ! Juris- 
 Consult of the Congress of the United States ! ! 
 P.P.C, Q.R.S., O.K. &c., &c., &c. 
 
 " ' Dr. Demannaduke Washington has the 
 
 honor to inform the Inhabitants of , that 
 
 he has arrived here, for one night only I on his 
 way to the High Court of St. James', whither 
 he has been sent for, Express, by his Britannic 
 Majesty. As he can be spared but a short 
 time from his Native Country —the Great 
 American Republic — he is unable to diffuse the 
 wonders of Mesmerism and Phrenology as 
 widely as he could wish ; still, that no one (if 
 possible) should remain in ignorance of these 
 Great Truths, he is willing to give one Lec- 
 ture, at The Swan, to-morrow evening, at 
 Seven o' Clock! The next morning, as early 
 as possible — previous to his departure — the 
 Doctor may be Consulted (gkatuitously) on 
 all the ills that flesh is heir to, and he will take 
 pride and pleasure in producing, to all comers. 
 Testimonials and Autographs of a thousand
 
 262 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 distinguished personages, and others, on whom 
 he has effected the most extraordinaky 
 
 CURES ! 
 
 « ' RELIEF IS THUS OFFERED TO 
 THE MILLION!! 
 
 "*AND INTELT ECTt AL 
 
 "'FOOD TO THE MASSES!!! 
 
 "'observe: — FREE, GRATIS, AND FOR NOTHING!!!! 
 
 ** ' N.B. — That none may plead poverty as a 
 hindrance, and to prevent the room being 
 crowded by idle curiosity, Threepence Each 
 will be charged on Admittance.' 
 
 •* Having perused this very modest little bill, 
 I separAted from the crowd after listening to 
 their remarks, and returned to my quarters. I 
 found the tap-room full, and the great man's
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 263 
 
 arrival was in everybody's mouth. Some of 
 the native wise-acres were holdiDg forth on 
 what they believed Mesmerism and Phrenology 
 to be. Most of them knew nothing about 
 either^ very likely had never heard their names 
 before, but still they pronounced their disbelief 
 in any such things, and agreed with my friend 
 the doctor so far, * that it was all humbug !' 
 
 " ' I tell you what my opinion is of it — if 
 you think that worth having from one who has 
 already been pretty nearly all over the world 
 — it's a downright imposition and swindling 
 concern altogether and no mistake !' I exclaimed, 
 raising my voice. I was going to get under 
 weigh at daylight to-morrow morning to look 
 up my old governor, and hand him over a bit 
 of prize money ; but, damme, if I haven't a 
 good mind to lay off here till to-morrow night 
 to see this here exhibition ; and if so be this 
 Doctor What's-his-name can mesmer what-d'ye- 
 call-it me, why then in course I'm bound to 
 believe, and will sheer off in good trim, but as
 
 264 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 sure as a gaft-topsail aint a whale's belly, if 
 he be a jolly humbug, I'll sarve him out!' 
 
 *' This piece of swagger was violently ap- 
 plauded; I instantly became A. 1. in their 
 reckoning. I was treated with more beer than 
 I could conveniently stow, and I took care to 
 retire in time lest I should blow upon my pro- 
 fession. 
 
 " I had appointed to meet the doctor next 
 afternoon at a lonely part of the road, in fact, 
 where I had left his chaise the day before. I 
 went round by the fields to avoid the high 
 road, and found him already waiting for me. 
 He was a wide-awake chap, that doctor, upon 
 my life ; he, by this time, knew something of 
 every one in the town ! His dodge w^as to en- 
 ter the barbers' shops, and to have his hair 
 cut in one, and his beard taken oif in another. 
 He was sure to pick up a world of news from 
 these chatterers. He informed me that he had 
 srained over a most valuable assistant in the 
 shape of a pretty little chambermaid at his inn.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 265 
 
 He winked wickedly, and chuckled all the 
 while that he told me this. She had promised 
 to conceal herself behind the chimney-board in 
 the great room, and when I appeared to be 
 overcome by his manipulations (that's the term 
 he gave to his handy- work,) I was to fall 
 senseless on the ground, with my head as near 
 the chimney as possible, and if any questions 
 were asked me, bearing on the town, she 
 would whisper the answers in my ear, and if I 
 was puzzled for a reply to anything, I was to 
 groan and grumble, and utter incoherent 
 noises. 
 
 " So far well. I returned to my * public ' 
 by the same path, and waited till seven o'clock, 
 when I — with a body of supporters, all blus- 
 tering as to what they would do— repaired to 
 * The Swan ;' we paid our three-pences, as in 
 duty bound, and were admitted into the great 
 room, usually appropriated, I believe, to the 
 farmers' meetings, and occasional balls. There 
 was a great crowd already assembled, and we 
 
 VOL. I. N
 
 266 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 had some difficulty in finding standing room, 
 but we pushed our way towards the end, where 
 the platform was raised, and we leaned against 
 the walls. I observed the capacious chimney 
 with its convenient board at the extremity of 
 the room behind the platform, and I hoped the 
 little chamber-maid was already at her post, 
 but I was quite prepared to enjoy the laugh 
 if she should fail us. The learned impostor, 
 at length, made his appearance on the stage 
 amidst a great clapping of hands, stamping of 
 feet, and rattling of sticks and umbrellas. He 
 was figged out in a smart evening suit, and 
 shone very brightly with gold chains, and pins, 
 and rings. He proceeded to address the meet- 
 ing in a very nasal twang, which was intended 
 to convince the audience of his being a native- 
 born Yankee. 
 
 " ' Ladies and gentlemen I' he began, bowing 
 double to the centre and each of the sides. * I 
 calculate you already know pretty middling 
 who I am, and therefore it is unnecessary that
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 267 
 
 I should tell you. Fame flies on cherub's 
 wings faster than electricity dashes from the 
 forked lightning!' (Hear, hear.) 'Yes, 1 
 guesB it would be rayther a remote — a be- 
 nighted district, that my name has not pene- 
 trated. (Hear, hear, in several places.) By a 
 parity of ratiocination, you have, most of you, 
 heard of the wonderful sciences of Mesmerism 
 and Phrenology, but with their beneficial ef- 
 fects, and their omnipotent powers, you are 
 possibly but slightly acquainted ! Fools and 
 obstinate Idiots have disbelieved in their ex- 
 istence, because they could not understand 
 them!' 
 
 '* He then went on to state that there was 
 phreno-mesmerism, which sent the patient into 
 a frenzy, and there was animal-magnetism 
 which operated on the brutes. In that last 
 line, he had met with great success. He had 
 sent a whole herd of Bisons to sleep in the 
 prairies of South America, which had attacked 
 him, also an alligator and shark, which had pur- 
 N 2
 
 268 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 Bued him whilst bathing in the Ohio ; he made 
 passes at them through the water, and they 
 immediately sunk to the bottom. Oh ! his 
 power was endless ! If the sea was rough, he 
 magnetised the waves, if he wanted a supply 
 of fish, he speedily brought all the finny tribe 
 to the surface. His operations had such effect 
 that, on one occasion, two gudgeons actually 
 came up and licked his hand ! (Great sensa- 
 tion.) 
 
 " However you can't possibly expect me to 
 repeat all the big words which he had manu- 
 factured for the occasion. I could not do it, 
 even if I were paid for it, which according to 
 the truthful philosophy of the Doctor, is the 
 strongest inducement in human being ! He 
 went on a terrible long time without stopping, 
 astonishing all the stupids with the wonders 
 he had never done, and declaring that the only 
 thing they required was the will to believe 
 them. 
 
 '* Then he touched them up with a
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 269 
 
 flourish about Yankee -land, in about the same 
 words that he first addressed me, and alluded 
 to the flag of stars and stripes, which had been 
 removed from the window and waved over the 
 platform, together with ' the meteor flag of 
 England,' as he described it, which 'for a 
 thousand years had braved the battle and the 
 breeze,' (here there was great applause, and 
 most of the gentlemen rose and cried brayvo), 
 and which he hoped would ever be found side- 
 by- side, by sea or land, slick and spry, on as 
 easy and friendly terms as those on which he 
 
 met the respected inhabitants of on that 
 
 evening ! 
 
 ** Having thus cleared away all obstacles, 
 and set his subject in a clear point of light, he 
 prepared himself for business. He pulled off 
 his coat and waistcoat and neckcloth, and 
 turned up his shirt-sleeves, which process 
 alarmed the old ladies, and set the young ones 
 in a titter; he then announced himself ready to
 
 270 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 operate upon any volunteer, and an arm- chair 
 was placed for the victim. But none was 
 forthcoming ; not one of my friends who 
 were so plucky before, offered to mount the 
 platform ! 
 
 " At last the lecturer, in an apparent fit of 
 despair seized hold of a little boy who stood 
 before his mother, and drew him up, Saying : 
 
 *' ' Let's try you, my fine little fellow !' but 
 the young one roared and blubbered and strug- 
 gled and got back again, to his mother's great 
 relief. 
 
 *' The Doctor now came forward, looking all 
 down in the mouth, and told them that he 
 could not carry out his experiments and prove 
 the truth of his words unless somebody sub- 
 mitted to his hands. All was quiet, but I saw 
 that two or three young men who wanted to be 
 thought dashers, were trying to screw them- 
 selves up for a bid for the chair, so I \\ aited no 
 longer but called out :
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 271 
 
 « ' Now thenl who's afeardl I'm your man, 
 
 Doctor I' 
 
 ** A way was iramediatoly opened for me, 
 and I stepped upon the platform amidst tre- 
 mendous cheering and cries of ' bray vo, Jack !' 
 and the like. 
 
 « Now, your honor,' said I, touching my 
 hair and hitching up my trowsers, ' what do 
 you want me to do V 
 
 «' ' Only to sit in that chair and keep quiet 
 and don't go to sleep if you can help it !' re- 
 plied the Doctor smiling, beautifully. 
 « < I won't stand no nonsense, mind !' 
 *« ' Doctor Demanneduke Washington is 
 not a person to undertake any nonsense, sir !' 
 said the doctor very proudly, and trying to 
 make himself taller. 
 
 ♦* « No, no !' — ' Go on.' — * Here's one of the 
 right sort.'— * Go a-head. Doctor!'— * Stick to 
 your colors. Jack.'—* We'll stand by you 1' 
 drowned any further words on our parts, so I 
 fell into the chair amidst lots of hurraing.
 
 272 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 ** The Doctor hushed the storm ; then you 
 might have heard a pin drop. He began by 
 making passes at me — as he called them — which 
 consisted in throwing his arms at me, and fil- 
 liping with his fingers in my face. The mag- 
 netic fluids were supposed to be flying out of 
 his fingers' ends all the time, but I grinned and 
 shook my head as much as to say that I was 
 not to be done in that way I The Doctor in- 
 creased his pace, and perspired profusely. He 
 changed his handiwork sometimes, by drawing 
 his fingers stretched out on end from my eyes 
 downwards, just as if he had just missed 
 scratching off the very skin from my face. 
 After a bit, I allowed myself to wink a few — 
 then I rubbed my nose and yawned, and I ap- 
 peared gradually settling down to sleep. 
 
 '' All at once, there was a row in the room, 
 a drunken fellow crowed out cock-a-doodle-doo, 
 as loud as he could. I started to my feet, and 
 looked half terrified. The Doctor turned to 
 the people, and declared that this interruption
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 273 
 
 was very unfair, and might be a serious harm 
 to the patient. The tippler was soon ousted, 
 amidst cries of ' Turn him out !' * shame ! 
 shame!' * Fair stage and no favor I' * Go it, 
 ye cripples, on again— cut it short !' &c. But 
 my learned friend informed them that he must 
 begin again, de novo, and as they possibly did 
 not understand what that meant, it had the 
 desired effect, 
 
 '* Well, we did it all over again ; and then, 
 as suddenly as possible, I started back in the 
 chair, and remained as stiff as a poker ! If I 
 had held out any longer, little Washington 
 must have burst, he heaved and puffed like a 
 steamer. 
 
 " He turned round to the audience, and 
 informed them that he was happy to say 
 he had succeeded in throwing me into a state 
 of somnolency, and he hoped to be able to show 
 some of the mesmeric phenomena — excuse the 
 hard words, Bob, but practice makes perfect ! 
 N 5
 
 274 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 He invited any one that chose, to mount the 
 platform ; four or five did bo. 
 
 '* * You can't wake him,' said the Doctor, 
 looking as bold as brass, and as confident as a 
 Bargee above bridge, * do what you will.' 
 
 " One tickled my nostrils — another pulled 
 my ear — a third put snuff up my nose, till the 
 tears ran from my eyes ; but it is wonderful 
 how much can be borne when you are deter- 
 mined. 
 
 " * Would you like to blindfold him ?' sug- 
 gested the Doctor, willing to stay any further 
 essays on my nose. 
 
 " ' Yes, yes, by all means I' they exclaimed ; 
 and they took off their neck-cloths and ban- 
 daged my eyes, and wound handkerchiefs and 
 scarfs round my head, enough to set up a 
 haberdasher's shop ; and then, to crown all, 
 one fellow, to make it snug, put an extinguisher 
 over me, in the shape of his wife's muff! 
 
 *^ ' We must allow him to breathe,' said my
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 275 
 
 master, gently raising the pile of fur, by which 
 means my ears were uncovered, which was all 
 he required. Then he informed the meeting 
 that any gentleman they might appoint should 
 stand behind the patient, and should signify, 
 by touching his own limbs, what corresponding 
 ones he wished raised by the sleeper. That 
 was done by aid of the little hems in the Doc- 
 tor's throat, and seemed to impress the company 
 very favorably. 
 
 " At this juncture, a lady in spectacles wrote 
 on a paper, ' Let us see him rise and walk.' 
 This being handed to the Doctor, his nose was 
 immediately blown as a signal for me, and his 
 hands were set in motion. Down went one of 
 my feet — then the other, and gradually my 
 whole body rose upright and walked. I had 
 no great fear of damaging my figure-head, 
 wherever I might pitch, protected as it was by 
 a dozen wraps; so I calculated my ground 
 pretty exactly, and fell on the floor right
 
 276 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 before the big chimney. I groaned dreadfully 
 for some minutes, and stretching out my arms, 
 I felt the chimney-board close to my head. 
 
 ** * Does the youner gentleman belong to this 
 town T enquired little Washington, coming 
 forward and looking as innocent as a babe un- 
 born ; * if so, perhaps his parents or friends 
 might wish to put some questions to him, to 
 which I will endeavour to gain a reply.' 
 
 " There was a dead calm for a few minutes^ 
 when up jumped a long Welshman, at the end 
 of the room, and roared out, 
 
 " * Who put her papy^s head in a pipkin, and 
 swore hur had had no papy at all ?' 
 
 '* The question seemed to make a precious 
 stir among the townsfolk. The Doctor set to 
 work as before, and 1 heard distinctly whis- 
 pered in my ear — * Pauline Evans.' So, after 
 delivering myself of many awful groans, and 
 writhing about the floor like a snake with the 
 mulligrubs, I at length repeated the words.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH, 277 
 
 A burst of applause followed. The lady in 
 spectacles fell into hysterics and was carried out 
 of the room. A great many more questions were 
 put and answered, very much to the wonder 
 and satisfaction of the meeting. Some of the 
 queries were written down, that 1 might not 
 hear them, and handed to the Doctor — for he 
 told them at once, that as he was no prophet, 
 it was necessary that he should be made ac- 
 quainted with the purport of there, so he read 
 them to himself, and then took an opportunity 
 of poking them through a little hole in the chim- 
 ney-board, and Mary, the chambermaid, being 
 provided with a light, was enabled to answer 
 them, generally like an oracle ; if she failed, I 
 uttered the incoherent sounds, and showed 
 symptoms of sulkiness. 
 
 ** The Doctor said that if they were now 
 satisfied he would uumesmerise me, as it might 
 do me harm to be kept too long in that state 
 for the first time. So he waved his hands like 
 a fan, and blew in ray face as though I was
 
 278 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 the snuff of a candle, and having allowed him- 
 self to work in this way for some time, I showed 
 signs of waking up. I opened one eye then 
 the other, at last I started to my feet — gave a 
 frightful stare, and burst into a sham fit of tears ! 
 I became more and more confused, then I 
 looked about wildly, 
 
 " ^ Where am I ?' said I, * where have I been 
 all this time T and so forth. 
 
 '' At length I recovered, came forward, and 
 made a little speech, and said how that I sup- 
 posed that they were as much surprised as I 
 was — that I had submitted to the test, thinking 
 the whole matter an imposition — but that there 
 was no mistaking such power as that ! I then 
 thanked the Doctor for making a convert of 
 me, and hoped he was not angry at anything I 
 might have said. He declared on the contrary 
 that he was much obliged to me, and shook 
 me heartily by the hand. I left the room 
 amidst great shouting and cheering, and re- 
 turned to my pot-house.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 279 
 
 " The exhibition of that night worked won- 
 ders in the minds of the spectators, they put 
 strong faith in the power of mesmerism, and 
 they argued among themselves that it was im- 
 possible, even had we been accomplices that 
 any two strangers could be up to all the scan- 
 dal of the place, even to events that had not 
 been mentioned for years. Before the meeting 
 broke up the Doctor begged to remind them 
 of the necessity of an early application by 
 those who wished to take advantage of his 
 gratuitoxi'S advice, as his Majesty must not be 
 kept waiting at the Court of St. James', and 
 he must be off in the course of the morning ! 
 He took the opportunity of calling their polite 
 attention to his wonderful far-famed Herbili- 
 dooloo, or American Regenerator, being the 
 most wonderful discovery that ever was made 
 for the benefit of the world. It was made of 
 simples gulled (?) in Tartary and the back woods 
 of North America ! 
 
 *' * Every one had heard of the extraordinary
 
 280 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 powers of endurance of the Red Ingians ; it 
 was solely attributable to their chewing the 
 leaves of an exotic, which formed the principle 
 ingredient of the Herbilidooloo. Indeed it was 
 a proverb in his country, why are the Red 
 Ingians so strong in battle? 'cause why they 
 chews it, plainly alluding to the wonderful 
 effects produced by the American Regenerator. 
 Fifteen hundred and seventy-three agents were 
 continually employed in Tartary on the Steppes 
 and elsewhere, in seeking for another ingre- 
 dient. 
 
 " * The Tartar men and women can ride 
 for eighteen days successively without leaving 
 the saddle, maintaining themselves all the while 
 on this herb, which they carry carefully in a 
 pouch at their side, and so strictly do they con- 
 ceal it, that it can only be found on their per- 
 sons. Wherefore, when you hear of * catching 
 a Tartar,- it is solely for the purpose of strip- 
 ping him of the contents of his pouch. — Con- 
 sult your medical men, what will they tell
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 281 
 
 you ? Have nothing to do with it ! To be 
 sure they will, every body would then be his own 
 physician, if he required one at all, and ' their 
 occupation,' as your immortal Shakespere has 
 observed * will be gone !' You would then 
 * throw physic to the dogs/ who by the way 
 would be too wise to pick it up. Suffer your- 
 selves, free and enlightened Britons, no longer 
 to be bamboozled by the Faculty, whose only 
 object is to make you ill, that they may try to 
 patch you up again ! — To those of my hearers 
 who may have deep-seated diseases, and alike 
 to those who are careful of their complexion, I 
 strongly urge the wonderful powers of the 
 Kegenerator. Muddy complexions arise from 
 obstructions in the pores of the skin, no ex- 
 ternal washing will cleanse them, the enemy 
 must be expelled from within. — Those facial 
 deformities— those noxious excrescences — super- 
 fluous hairs — warts — freckles and wrinkles, are 
 as the weeds and mole-hills and toads -tombs
 
 282 ROUGH AND SxMOOTH. 
 
 which spring up in neglected soil. The Herbi- 
 lidooloo, like a well-conducted scavenger, 
 thoroughly cleanses and purifies, and restores 
 the beauty of Nature, rivalling the roses and 
 lilies while the mouth is fragrant as a bank of 
 violets. 
 
 " ^ Ladies and gentlemen, I will cite a few 
 convincing instances of its almost miraculous 
 powers, and then leave it to your sense and 
 propriety whether or no you will be provided 
 with this invaluable panacea I' 
 
 " The first case is that of Elchred Covey, an 
 interesting little girl of eleven years of age, 
 the daughter of a Pennsylvanian Repudiator. 
 She was dreadfully burned by the bursting of 
 a high-pressure boiler on board of the U.S. 
 Steamer * Go-a-head.' The nails of her feet 
 and hands dropped off, and her back was a 
 mass of scarification. After swallowing one 
 bottle of The Regenerator, the wounds were 
 healed over ; and the second, the young nails
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 283 
 
 appeared at the quick ! The colonel, her father, 
 calculated that after three bottles she would be 
 completely recovered !' 
 
 "'Mr. Amram Bone, the Editor of the 
 Picayune Wash-pot, from excess of literary 
 devotion, wore away the finger and thumb of 
 his right hand, and elbow of the left arm. Two 
 bottles of * The Eegenerator' set him all right. 
 He is now prosecuting his career with re- 
 doubled zeal, and is still considered a man of 
 parts ! In gratitude for the cure, he has un- 
 dertaken to advertise * The Regenerator' in his 
 leading column for the space of one year, 
 gratis ! !' 
 
 " ' John Glue, shoemaker and perambulating 
 tinker, of Virginia, scurvy, and malignant 
 Ichtheuosis, cured by a double bottle of The 
 Regenerator I Likely to stick to his trade to 
 the last! ! r 
 
 " The doctor displayed many bundles of 
 letters and papers, which he said were written 
 not only by distinguished Americans, but by
 
 284 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 most of the Potentates of the old and new 
 world. He would not trouble his hearers by 
 reading them, but they were open to inspection 
 to all comers. 
 
 " He thanked them, urged upon them the 
 necessity of early calls next day, bowed and 
 retired amidst noisy applause."
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 285 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 " I much fear, Bob, that you will think I am 
 spinning a yarn longer than you bargained for ? 
 But I'll crowd on all sail, and soon make my 
 story good." 
 
 "No compliments, but fire away, Dick!" 
 said young Winton, lighting another cheroot. 
 
 *'Well, here she goes — sharp's the word — 
 let's see where was I ? Oh I I have it. Next 
 morning scores of flats came to consult the 
 quack doctor ; they were shown in one by one,
 
 286 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 and kept waiting a long time all in due course. 
 His practise was simple enough, and only 
 veered according to circumstances. He asked 
 lots of questions, recommended a grub- table, 
 quite the reverse to what they had been ac- 
 customed, and then prescribed ' The Re- 
 generator/ the number of bottles regulated 
 according to the appearance of the patient. If 
 a poor man, one bottle would suffice, but a 
 bloated, blowsy old lady, with a pet dog under 
 her arm, would be ordered as many bottles as 
 she could carry ! 
 
 ** His stock-in-trade was soon disposed of, 
 and then declariog that the court of Saint 
 James's must not be disappointed, he ordered 
 the fat cob, and drove rapidly away. IMary, 
 the maid of the inn, was made quite happy by 
 a liberal tip, and he assured her he should be 
 back soon to marry her, provided she kept the 
 secret. 
 
 ** According to sailing orders, I awaited my 
 partner at a bend of the road. He praised me
 
 EOUGH AND SMOOTH. 287 
 
 to the skies for playing my part so well, and 
 then handed over to me a sum, which was 
 greater than I expected. That evening we 
 did not perform, being busily employed in 
 manufacturing a fresh su^^ply of Kegenerators. 
 He was shy about telling me of the con- 
 tents of the stuff; but I insisted on my rights, 
 and that I would not be a sleeping partner 
 only. 
 
 "*Well, honor among thieves,' said he, 
 chuckling in his fat throat, and the rogue 
 tole me his secret. Water and sugar, a little 
 rhubarb, and red ochre to colour it ! The most 
 difficult part of the profession was the tying- 
 up and sealing the bottles, which were common 
 phials, pasted round with printed directions on 
 blue paper. 
 
 "We continued our progress, going through 
 our performance wherever we thought there 
 were fools enough to make it worth our while, 
 and avoiding large towns where our powers 
 might be questioned. I might have been
 
 288 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 happy enough, better oiF than ever, and my 
 companion was a jolly little dog, as our tavern- 
 bills would prove ; but I felt a disgust at ob- 
 taining my living in such a sneaking, under- 
 hand way. The Doctor offered to double my 
 pay; but I could not bring myself to it. 
 Honesty may not be always the best policy, 
 but I'll be flogged if it isn't the pleasantest in 
 the end. 
 
 " At my last appearance on his stage, I was 
 not so clairvoyant (that's the proper thing) as I 
 might have been. I ascended the platform 
 more than nine sheets in the wind. I was 
 terribly obstreperous ; at last, the Doctor 
 quieted me a bit, and I seated myself for the 
 operations. I fell asleep in good earnest, until 
 a fellow tested my somnolency by running a 
 quill up my nose, upon which, I started up, 
 and knocked him down. Well, there was a 
 row in course, but it was settled amicably. I 
 fell asleep again. Egad, if a rascal didn't come 
 behind, and run a needle into my shoulder ! I
 
 KOUGH AND SMOOTH. 289 
 
 wasn't in a humour to bear that. So I was up 
 in a moment, and shoved the whole lot off the 
 platform, with the Doctor upon the top of 
 them. Then there was another row, of course, 
 it came to a real stand-up fight. The lights 
 were extinguished, and there was such a skrim- 
 mage — who knocks who ! The constables 
 came and cleared the decks, and the Doctor 
 and myself were marched off to the lock-up ! 
 
 " I soon fell asleep in the straw, and awoke, 
 refreshed, just as the first gleams of sunshine 
 peeped in through the port-hole of my cage. I 
 made a spring at the bars which crossed it, 
 whereby 1 was enabled to touch the ceiling, 
 which I found was only lath and plaster. I 
 soon cut a hole in it with my clasp-knife — which 
 the greenhorn of a beadle had allowed me to 
 retain — large enough to admit my shoulders, 
 I then easily removed some tiles from the roof, 
 and let myself down into a ploughed field at 
 the back. Cut and run, seems always to be my 
 luck! 
 
 VOL. I. O
 
 290 BOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " I got over the ground at full speed, with- 
 out bringiug up, for five or six hours, till my 
 etomach piped for breakfast, so I obeyed the 
 call, and turned into a public-house. I made a 
 point of overhauling every newspaper that ever 
 came in my way, and read carefully all through, 
 from the first advertisement down to the 
 printer's name, in hopes of some day gaining 
 tidings of my family. What would I not have 
 given, then, for one little peep of my brother ! 
 Well, I never lighted on their names at any 
 time, and I determined I would go to London 
 and see them — receive me as they might. An 
 old map of England hung upon the fly-blown 
 walls, I took an observation, and made out my 
 bearings, and saw that I must run for Birming- 
 ham. 
 
 " Having shot in my locker wherewith to 
 pay for riding, and as 1 was in a hurry, I ship- 
 ped myself on board of a horse-coach, which 
 dropped me, in port, in due course of time. I 
 fought my way through the crowded streets.
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 291 
 
 following closely the heels of a fellow-passen- 
 ger, who volunteered to show me the house to 
 which he was bound. A queer, out-of-the-way, 
 old-fashioned place it was. We entered under 
 an archway ; the yard was full of waggons and 
 carts, piled high with furniture and boxes of 
 all descriptions. There seemed to be a great 
 move somewhere. 
 
 " The tap-room was full — queer looking 
 customers were there ; country bodies I guessed 
 them, for the most part, for smock-frocks and 
 felt hats had it all their own way. I soon 
 found out all about it, they were emigrants. I 
 had a long chaff with the father of one of the 
 families, a decent sort of man enough. He 
 told me that a grand company had been formed 
 in London, to get rid of the greatest number 
 of people at the least possible expense. That 
 on applying to the agent, there at Birmingham, 
 for the small sum of ten pounds you were pro- 
 vided with a passage to Van Dieman's Land — 
 found in provisions during the voyage, and on 
 o 2
 
 292 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 arriving there, the company pledged themselves 
 to provide employment, and to supply a portion 
 of land for cultivation, of which they had re- 
 ceived an immense grant from government. 
 
 " All that night my head was hard at work, 
 and the end of it was that, the first thing in the 
 morning, I waited on a certain Mr. Thompson 
 — a spic-and-span smart chap — a tall, fine- 
 looking young fellow, I must say — hair parted 
 like a lady's— rings and pins and chains, all 
 complete — a terrible eye to business had he, 
 all the same ! He palavered me a good deal 
 as to the advantage of drawing my ticket 
 through his hands, and that he had very few of 
 them left. I should be entitled to take my 
 passage in the * Bonassus,' one of the Com- 
 pany's clinker-built, copper-bottomed, fast- 
 sailing vessels, chartered for that purpose, and 
 she was to sail from Bristol in a few days, and 
 that he should be present to superintend our 
 embarkation, and to secure our having every
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 293 
 
 comfort, I thanked him and withdrew — I 
 with his ticket, he with my ten-pound note. 
 
 '' On my return, I found the last waggon 
 xjontaining the live and dead stock of those 
 who were destined to be my companions and 
 ship- mates for many a long day, under weigh. 
 I joined some of the men, who were walking 
 along- side, I found them a decent set of honest 
 people, some of them had been farmers, — very 
 small ones, I should say — and many labourers. 
 Bitterly poor they were, they had scraped all 
 their money together, and had laid it out in 
 the purchase of their tickets, and had barely 
 sufficient left for their subsistence on the road. 
 Some had heavy hearts at leaving friends and 
 the old country for ever, others looked for- 
 ward with joy to another clime, misery had 
 driven them out, ' there be too many mouths 
 here I' they said. 
 
 " Think you I had forgotten the home of 
 my childhood all of a sudden ? Not a bit of 
 it ! I thought of it more and more. But my
 
 294 PvOUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 great hold -fast now was, that if I could turn 
 a jolly settler, well to do, that 1 might write 
 to my dear brother to come out and join me, 
 and we might live there in prosperity, never 
 more to be parted. 
 
 " We arrived at length at Bristol after a 
 wearisome march ; I believe, though I say it, 
 that many of my brother emigrants would have 
 all but starved if it had not been for me, or 
 rather for the Doctor's ill-gotten gains ! 
 AVe could not find the grand Emigration 
 Company's offices; we enquired further, no 
 such company had been heard of — we thought 
 them a stupid set, those Bristol people — No 
 one even knew our Mr. Thompson ! Well, we 
 went to the port and looked up the shipping, 
 there was no such a vessel as the * Bonassus!' 
 There was a ship loading for Van Dieman's' 
 Land, I hailed them on board, but all the reply 
 I received was that they knew nothing of the 
 * Bonassus,' but they thought I had been made 
 an ass of !
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 295 
 
 " And 80 I had, and so were we all ! Poor 
 miserable wretches stripped of their rags ! We 
 had been swindled by that crimping land-pirate, 
 that cursed long-legged shark Thompson I If 
 ever I clap my eyes upon the scoundrel, it will 
 save the country the price of his rope, be d — d 
 to him ! 
 
 *• It would have made your heart ache to see 
 the misery he had caused ! There was no place 
 for them to shelter themselves, they had given 
 up their houses, those who had any, and sacri- 
 ficed their little all for this their last voyage ! I 
 helped them as long as my little store held 
 out, and they raised a little money by the 
 sale of their valuables, old chairs, tables and 
 kettles, with which tliey had flattered them- 
 selves that they were to make rather a hand- 
 some appearance in their adopted country ! 
 The little children were crying for food, but 
 Providence did not desert us. 
 
 ** The Mayor started off police-officers to 
 Birmingham, to look after the miscreant Thomp-
 
 296 ROUGH AKD SMOOTH. 
 
 son, but I expect he was too sharp to stay to 
 be grabbed. Then the ladies, bless their gen- 
 tle hearts ! blow me, if they did us a mortal 
 wrong at first by getting into trouble, they have 
 more than made amends for it ever since ! — as 
 soon as they heard of our distress, they came 
 amqj3g us like angels, with food, and clothing, 
 and comfort, and consolation. A subscription 
 was set on foot, and in a couple of days, sufficient 
 was collected to provide us all with a passage 
 in the vessel which I mentioned was about to 
 sail, and also to furnish us with a small sum on 
 landing, that we might stave off the evils which 
 we had just encountered. 
 
 " Misery and want happens daily I know, 
 we read of them every day, and we don*t heed 
 them much. But to have them brought home 
 to you, under your very eyes and nose, and to 
 feel them yourself is quite another thing. If 
 ever I get better off in the world, I hope I may 
 never forget what I have suffered ! 
 
 " So we left our country in the good ship
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 297 
 
 * Polly Watts,' at our country's expense, and 
 like many others — who have crossed the her- 
 ring-pond before us — probably for our coun- 
 try's good ! 
 
 • " One fine morning we got under weigh, all 
 in high spirits. A spanking breeze took us 
 down the channel. All bid fair. I was 
 amongst the steerage passengers, and we were 
 packed pretty tightly, I assure you. Soon we 
 were playing a pretty game at pitch and toss 
 in the Bay of Biscay. The landsmen expected 
 the vessel every minute to be capsized, but it 
 only upset their stomachs, and played old 
 gooseberry with the women and children. After 
 this we encountered some severe weather, and 
 for three days and nights we scudded under 
 bare poles ; but we were soon driven into 
 warmer climes, and then we lost the wind alto- 
 gether, and we were frequently becalmed on 
 the line. Our sufferings from the heat were 
 great ; we were stowed as closely as Africans 
 in a slaver ; there was no order among the
 
 298 EOUGH AT^'D SMOOTH. 
 
 emigrants and they were perpetually at logger- 
 heads one with another. 
 
 ** A child fell sick — there was no surgeon ap- 
 pointed to the ship — but as good luck would 
 have it, there was a young doctor, a cabin pas- 
 senger, going to settle somewhere. He came 
 and looked at the little one, and he pronounced 
 her to be seized with typhus fever ! 
 
 " There was such a row among the mothers ! 
 I really believe in their anxiety for their own 
 bairns, they would have tossed the little suf- 
 ferer over-board. I allow that no one felt 
 more comfortable for the discovery. Everybody 
 was ordered to keep aloof as much as possible 
 from the sick berth, but the mother never, for 
 a moment, left its side, until it died — it was 
 her only child ! The disease gained ground 
 fearfully, the doctor said there was no stopping 
 it. No precautions had been taken in case of 
 sickness, there were not even any medicines 
 except in the doctor's private chest. 
 
 " The mother of that child was the next
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 299 
 
 victim, and the husband was left to mourn 
 
 alone, and begin his new life as a solitary 
 
 struggler. Bad weather added to our misery. 
 
 We were not allowed to land at St. Helena, 
 
 nor at the Cape, and then we came in for our 
 
 share of real Cape weather. For one whole 
 
 week we lay under battened hatches— picture 
 
 to yourself the situation of those who were 
 
 huddled together below, notwithstanding that 
 
 our numbers were greatly diminished, but 
 
 there we were enclosed among the dead and 
 
 dying ! Some were frantic with fear, others 
 
 were praying to be released from their suiFer- 
 
 ings. 
 
 *«The * Polly- Watts' behaved very well, 
 considering she was an old lady ; however, she 
 contrived to spring a leak, which was not sur- 
 prising, and she made seven or eight inches an 
 hour, so that we had to work constantly at the 
 pumps. In those gales, two of the crew were 
 washed off the deck, and the sole remaining 
 child on board breathed her last.
 
 280 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 " The salt junk, the heat below, the fright 
 of some, and the exertion and anxieties of all, 
 produced a thirst which was almost intolerable. 
 But the water, for some reason or other, was 
 undrinkable, perhaps, from the bungs of the 
 casks having been kept in. Some of the men 
 went down into the hold with a light, to open 
 the last cask, when ihe gas, or something like 
 it, fizzed off like a flash of lightning, and 
 knocked them down, and we may thank our 
 stars that fire did not put the finishing stroke 
 upon us all. 
 
 " At last, down went the wind, and the 
 waves consequently ceased to break over us, 
 the elements required rest, I suppose, as much 
 as we did. Abundance of rain fell, we spread 
 our sails and awning, and filled everything that 
 would hold water, and refreshing it was to our 
 parched mouths, although it tasted pretty 
 freely of tar! 
 
 " The fever went on briskly at its work of 
 destiuction. There was fear lest there should
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 301 
 
 not be hands sufficient to work the ship. I 
 took my turn, and kept my regular watches, 
 and was able to be of some service ; but the 
 rest of the passengers were landsmen, who had 
 never seen the sea before, and were of little 
 use. 
 
 "I was aloft one afternoon, about to lay out 
 on the top-sail yard to assist in taking in a 
 reef; all at once I was seized with giddiness, 
 and I thought the ship was spinning round. I 
 kept fast hold of the shrouds to steady myself 
 and it was as much as I could do to reach the 
 deck. I was in for it— typhus had laid hold of 
 me, and I thought that the sharks would be 
 soon treated to what there was left of me — but 
 I turned up again like a bad ha'porth ; I was 
 terribly weak though, for I had a sharpish 
 time of it, and could only creep about. The 
 skipper and the doctor had a turn of it, 
 although, perhaps, they were not handled over 
 roughly. I must say that the women ought 
 to have put us all to the blush, for they bore
 
 302 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 «p SO wonderfully. When stout hearts ap- 
 peared sinking, their pluck seemed to rise, and 
 when men despaired, they raised their energies 
 and kept the crew to their duty. 
 
 "At length, 'land' was sung out by the 
 look-out at the mast-head, and ghastly forms of 
 men and women appeared one by one to catch 
 the first glimpse of their promised land. That 
 sound was like music to them, after being pent 
 up in that ill-found little vessel for more than 
 a hundred days. 
 
 " It vvas growing dusk and the wind was 
 against us, as we came in sight of Hobart 
 Town, so we brought up for the night. The 
 royal and top-gallant sails were stowed, the 
 top- sail halyards eased down — we were ordered 
 to stand by the anchor and let her go, and 
 there was an end of the emigrants* voyage. 
 
 " Next day we landed, and you never saw 
 such miserable looking objects. The demand 
 for labour must be great in the colony, thought 
 I, if such half-starved, weak creatures can find 
 engagements. I saw the kind-hearted doctor
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 303 
 
 Btep ashore — he had never spared himself in 
 attendance on the sick — as broken-hearted a 
 man as was ever seen, his wife and two children 
 had been taken away from him, and he stood 
 alone in a new world ! 
 
 '* I soon found that my condition was not 
 mended— I had mistaken my line, — I was 
 never intended for a settler^ for I could never 
 remain on one spot like a leopard, and to say 
 truth, the salt water, with all the ill-luck that 
 I had had upon it, was much more to my taste. 
 The best offer of employment that I could 
 obtain, was to go far inland to be a night- 
 watchman over the flocks of some enterprising 
 Squatter. For a quiet, steady man of few 
 words, the situation might offer many advan- 
 tages, as barring the convicts and kangaroos, 
 you are not likely to be disturbed, except by 
 an occasional mob of natives, and they consider 
 a shepherd as good eating as a sheep, rather the 
 best of the two I believe. The wages were 
 twelve pounds a year and find yourself; your
 
 304 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 provisions you must buy of your master, who 
 of course may ask exactly what he chooses ! 
 I began to think that I had broken up partner- 
 ship too soon with that little fat rogue Wash- 
 ington ! 
 
 " A Dutchman, whom 1 fell in with there, 
 told me once: 
 
 " ' They have called right this country — it is 
 Voji Demon's Land P 
 
 " A longing desire for home and England 
 seized me again, I entered a public-house 
 and called for a glass of beer, they could only 
 sell it by the bottle ; I thought I could manage 
 that, I soon emptied it. What's to pay ? 
 
 "'Ten shillings.' 
 
 •''Ten shillings?' 
 
 " ' Yes, ten shillings, and you're lucky to get 
 it at that price, there are only three more bot- 
 tles in the town !' 
 
 *' That was quite sufficient for me, a settler 
 1 may say, my mind was instantly made up to 
 lose rs) time in quitting a place where you could
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 30d 
 
 not drink a glass of beer under ten shillings ! 
 So I luckily was able to ship on board a bark 
 homeward bound and short of hands, which 
 bore me away from the land of eternal mutton 
 chops and dampers (as they call their bread), 
 to say nothing of the treat of black cockatoo 
 pie ! * 
 
 " I worked my passage home, and reached 
 land safely, strange to say for me, without 
 encountering storms or any calamities; I landed 
 in England poorer, except in hardships and 
 labour, than when I left it. 
 
 *' Little more remains to be told. My first 
 start on my arrival was for London. I made 
 at once for the old house, but its face was so 
 altered that I scarcely recognized it, and I 
 walked round to the back before I could be 
 sure of it. With a shaking hand I ransr the 
 bell, and then sought the knocker, but a strange 
 name was there on brass, — 
 
 * Vide " Stories of the Colonies.'
 
 306 eough and smooth. 
 
 Mr. Isinglass, Chiropedist. 
 The door opened and a servant, all the while 
 shuffling on a gaudy livery-coat, mistook me for 
 a patient, and bowed and said his master was 
 at home — but when he found that my enquiries 
 were for Horn and not Corn, he knew nothing 
 about the matter, and impatiently slammed the 
 door in my face ! — I went to a baker's close by, 
 where we used to deal, but the old people were 
 gone and these were new comers, they just 
 recollected to have heard the name, and 
 thought that the family were all dead ! They 
 kept a sharp look-out on the loaves while 1 
 was there, and put an end to my questions as 
 soon as they could. 
 
 " Foiled so far, but determined in my pur- 
 pose, I set off for Sandford. I arrived there 
 late in the evening, pretty well fagged with the 
 march. I saw again * The Retreat,' and my 
 heart beat wildly. I walked all round it, but I 
 saw no lights, it seemed shut up and empty. 
 On looking through the Lodge-gates, there
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 307 
 
 was just light enough for me to distinguish a 
 hatchment over the entrance. 
 
 " Was I just too late for my father's or 
 mother's or brother's funeral ? — I ran away to 
 the churchyard ; by the moon's fitful light, I 
 searched for new tombs and their inscriptions, 
 but it was too dark to read. — I entered the 
 * Jolly E-overs,' I believe there was no one 
 there that would recognize me. I waited 
 anxiously, till at last I could enquire about the 
 big-house without routing suspicion. I then 
 learned that the place had passed into other 
 hands, and that my family had been lost sight 
 of for many years ! 1 found means afterwards 
 to bring forward your name, and my joy was 
 great when I heard that the brig of which you 
 were mate might be expected up every day. 
 
 " Next day, the first thing, I was off to * Tjie 
 Retreat ' again — surveyed it on all sides, and 
 could not resist pulling the bell to ask for ad- 
 mittance. To my great surprise, your mother 
 appeared in answer to my summons. I knew
 
 308 EOUGIl A]SD SMOOTH. 
 
 her at once, but she seemed to have no recol- 
 lection of me, which was a great relief. I 
 requested her permission to inspect the grounds, 
 but she replied that she had strict directions not 
 to admit any one without an order. I per- 
 ceived that she eyed me curiously, no doubt 
 she was puzzled in her mind, as to the motive 
 of such a miserable tatterdemalion to inspect 
 the grounds. I hesitated for a moment — 
 pride got the upper-hand, and I walked 
 away. 
 
 **I made my way down to the Thames, 
 intending to have another look at * The Re- 
 treat,' from the lower gates. I stood there, I 
 know not how long, lost in thought, till aroused 
 by a faint scream. On looking up, I perceived 
 that I was an object of terror to a party of 
 ladies, accompanied by a young man, who 
 were just emerging from one of the shrub- 
 beries, so 1 started off as quickly as I could. 
 Day after day, I waited for you. 1 confess it 
 with shame, now, for the first time I seriously
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 309 
 
 thought of making away with myself. My lot 
 seemed so hopeless — I felt so friendless, so 
 desolate — I had struggled manfully with fate ; 
 but the fight was over ! If I drop into that 
 stream, no one will miss me — no one regret 
 me — and there will be an end of my troubles. 
 Will there ? I turned my head sharply, for I 
 almost thought somebody behind me had put 
 that question. There was no one that 1 could 
 see, so, unless it was Poor Jack's little cherub 
 up aloft, I must have dreamt it. 
 
 ** I rose up, and, I knew not by what impulse, 
 I walked again towards * The Retreat,' passing 
 under the lower road, and took my station at 
 the iron gate. 1 pushed my nose through the 
 bars, and lost myself in a dream of contempla- 
 tion. There was the very branch of the tree 
 on which we little fellows used to swing one 
 another — when, there stood before me the 
 gentleman who was with the ladies whom I 
 frightened I He seemed struck all of a heap 
 at seeing me there again. At last, he spoke to
 
 310 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. 
 
 me and enquired what I wanted. He opened 
 the gates to let me in — curious to detect my 
 object. Once more in that garden — every spot 
 familiar to me, and crowding on my mind the 
 
 memories of the past Bob I excuse my 
 
 weakness ! — 1 can't help it ! this was my 
 
 brother — my long lost brother! — just become the 
 purchaser of the property I Joy, joy was again 
 in my heart ! I was not alone in the world — I 
 was not friendless any more, the brother of my 
 hopes was there — I was bewildered and threw 
 myself into his arms ! But he received me 
 with coldness — he recognized me first, but he 
 did not own me ! He treated me as a stranger 
 — worse, as a beggar ! It was his wife 1 had 
 terrified — but for the last time, as we meet no 
 more I That hope that has hitherto sustained 
 me is perished and gone for ever ! 
 
 " Had I no temptation as I sat again by that 
 silent stream, flowing away on its course so 
 gently ? This last blow put the crown on all 
 my sorrows. Hunger, thirst, shipwreck, I have
 
 ROUGH AND SMOOTH. . 311 
 
 borne, and could bear again— but this is be- 
 yond my endurance ! I had but a pittance left 
 in my pocket — I had skulked about by day, 
 and slept where I could at night — if I could 
 but see you first, I would then depart, never 
 more to haunt this place again. 
 
 "I heard a boat splash up alongside the 
 jetty ; my heart beat, I jumped up, and ran to 
 see — yes, this must be you I I waited till you 
 were alone — and you know the rest. 
 
 " Bob, my boy, you have had a long yarn — 
 longer than you bargained for — but I am all the 
 lighter for it. You are as fine a fellow as ever 
 I thought you, for keeping your eyes open so 
 long. As you have made an end of the che- 
 roots, you'd better put the miseries of Dick 
 Horn into your pipe and smoke them, and 
 without wishing for any returns^ I'll wager 
 that you'll be saved in baccy for a long time to 
 come !'^ 
 
 END OF VOL. I.