t034pe-t 1837 i v.i 1 i % 1 Y^ *- ^ i"^>^ ■./ ^ iT T> V v* r^ r Cwen J. Williams. L I B R.AFLY OF THE UN IVER5ITY or ILLI NOI5 1837 UNIVERSITY OF ILUNOiS LIBRARV ATURBA^JA-CHAMPA!G^J SI4.CKS '^^^m^ The person charging this material is re- sponsible for its return on or before the Latest Date stamped below. ,c - ; 1 4- Theft, mutilation, and underlining of books are reasons for disciplinary action and may result in dismissal from the University. University of Illinois Library OCT 5 IU2 2 5 18b MAYO 2 m L161— O-1096 Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2009 with funding from - University of lifinois Urbana-Champaign http://www.archive.org/details/petersimple01marr S<: PETER SIMPLE, B\ THE AUTHOR OF NEWTON FOSTER," '• THE KING'S OWN/' &c. IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. I. 3inustratetr I^Uition. LONDON SAUNDERS AND OTLEY, CONDUIT STREET. 1837. LONDON : IB TSON AM> PALMER, PRINTERS, SAVOY-STRFET, STRAND. CONTENTS. VOL. I. CHAPTER I. The great advantage of being the fool of the family — My destiny is decided, and I am consigned to a stock- broker as part of his Majesty's sea stock — Unfortu- nately for me Mr. Handycock is a bear, and I get very little dinner . . Page 1 CHAPTER H. Fitting out on the shortest notice— Fortunately forme this day Mr. Handycock is a bear, and I fare very well — I set off for Portsmouth — Behind the coach I meet a man before the mast — He is disguised with liquor, but is not the only disguise I fall in with hi my journey . . . .13 CHAPTER HI. I am made to look very blue at the Blue Posts — Find wild spirits around, and, soon after, hot spirits IV CONTENTS. within me; at length my spirits overcome me— Call to pay my respects to the Captain, and find that I had had the pleasure of meeting him before — No sooner out of one scrape than into another . 23 CHAPTER IV. I am taught on a cold morning, before breakfast, how to stand fire, and thus prove my courage — After breakfast I also prove my gallantry — My proof meets reproof— Women at the bottom of all mis- chief—By one 1 lose my liberty, and, by another, my money . , . .34 CHAPTER V. I am introduced to the quarter-deck, and first lieu- tenant, who pronounces me very clever — Trotted below to Mrs. Trotter — Connubial bliss in a cock-pit — Mrs. Trotter takes me in, as a messmate — Feel very much surprised that so many people know that I am the son of — my father . . 44 CHAPTER VI. Puzzled with very common words — Mrs. Trotter takes care of my wardrobe — a matrimonial duet, ending con strepito . . . . 5Q CHAPTER VII. Scandalum magnatum clearly proved — I prove to the captain that I consider him a gentleman, although I had told him the contrary, and I prove to the CONTENTS. V midshipmen that I am a gentleman myself — They prove their gratitude by practising upon me, be- cause practice makes perfect . . 68 CHAPTER VIII. My messmates show me the folly of running in debt — Duty carried on politely — I become acquainted with some gentlemen of the Home Department — The Episode of Sholto M'Foy . . 80 CHAPTER IX. We post up to Portsdown Fair— Consequence of dis- turbing a lady at supper— Natural affection of the Pelican, proved at my expense — Spontaneous com- bustion at Ranelagh Gardens — Pastry versus Piety — Many are bid to the feast ; but not the halt, the lame, or the blind . . .95 CHAPTER X. A pressgang beaten off by one woman — Dangers at Spit-head and Point— A treat for both parties, of pulled chicken, at my expense — Also gin for twenty — I am made a prisoner : escape and rejoin my ship . . . .110 CHAPTER XI. O'Brien takes me under his protection — The ship's company are paid, so are the bumboat-women, the Jews, and the emancipationist after a fashion — We go to sea — Doctor O'Brien's cure for sea-sickness -One pill of the Doctor's more than a dose . 123 VI CONTENTS. CHAPTER XII. New theory of Mr. Muddle, remarkable for having no end to it — Novel practice of Mr. Chucks — O'Brien commences his history — There v^ere giants in those days — I bring up the master's night glass . ]34 CHAPTER Xni. The first lieutenant prescribes for one of his patients, his prescriptions consisting of draughts only — O'Brien finishes the history of his life, in which the proverb of " the more the merrier" is sadly dis- proved — Shipping a new pair of boots causes the unshipping of their owner — Walking home after a ball, O'Brien meets with an accident . 158 CHAPTER XIV. The first lieutenant has more patients— Mr, Chucks the boatswain lets me into the secret of his gentility 178 CHAPTER XV. I go on service, and am made prisoner by an old lady, who, not able to obtain my hand, takes part of my finger as a token — O'Brien rescues me — A lee-shore and narrow escape. . . . 201 CHAPTER XVI. News from home— A fatigue party employed at Gi- braltar — More particulars in the life of Mr. Chucks — A brush with the enemy— A court-martial and a lasting impression. . . . 223 CONTENTS. Vll CHAPTER XVII. Mr. Chucks' opinion on proper names — He finishes his Spanish tale — March of intellect among the Warrant Officers . . . .249 CHAPTER XVIII. I go away on service, am wounded and taken prisoner with O'Brien — Diamond cut diamond between the O'Briens — Get into comfortable quarters — My first interview with Celeste . . . 266 CHAPTER XIX. We remove to very unpleasant quarters — Birds of a feather won't always flock together — O'Brien cuts a cutter midshipman, and gets a taste of French steel — Altogether Jlat work — A walk into the in- terior. .... 282 CHAPTER XX. O'Brien fights a duel with a French officer, and proves that the great art of fencing is knowing nothing about it — We arrive at our new quarters, which we find very secure .... 294 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER I The great advantage of being the fool of the family — My destiny is decided, and I am consigned to a stock- broker as part of his Majesty's sea stock — Unfortu- nately for me Mr. Handycock is a hear, and I get very little dinner. If I cannot narrate a life of adventurous and daring exploits, fortunately I have no heavy crimes to confess : and, if I do not rise in the estimation of the reader for acts of gallantry and devotion in my country's cause, at least I may claim the merit of zealous and persevering continuance in my vocation. We are all of us variously gifted from Above, and he who is con- tent to walk, instead of to run, on his allotted path through life, although he may not so ra- pidly attain the goal, has the advantage of not VOL. I. B 2 PETER SIMPLE. being out of breath upon his arrival. Not that I mean to infer that my Ufe has not been one of adventure. 1 only mean to say, that in all which has occurred, I have been a passive, rather than an active, personage ; and, if events of interest are to be recorded, they certainly have not been sought by me. As well as I can recollect and analyze my early propensities, I think that, had I been per- mitted to select my own profession, I should in all probability have bound myself apprentice to a tailor; for I always envied the comfortable seat which they appeared to enjoy upon the shopboard, and their elevated position, which enabled them to look down upon the constant succession of the idle or the busy, who passed in review before them in the main street of the country town, near to which I passed the first fourteen years of my existence. But my father, who was a clergyman of the Church of England, and the youngest brother of a noble family, had a lucrative living, and a "soul above buttons,'* if his son had not. It has been from time immemorial the heathenish custom to sacrifice the greatest fool of the family to the prosperity and naval superiority of the country, and, at the age of fourteen, I was PETER SIMPLE. 8 selected as the victim. If the custom be judi- cious, I had no reason to complain. There was not one dissentient voice, when it was proposed before all the varieties of my aunts and cousins, invited to partake of our new-year's festivaL I was selected by general acclamation. Flattered by such an unanimous acknowledgment of my qualification, and a stroke of my father's hand down my head which accompanied it, I felt as proud, and, alas ! as unconscious as the calf with gilded horns, who plays and mumbles with the flowers of the garland which designates his fate to every one but himself. I even felt, or thought I felt, a slight degree of military ardour, and a sort of \ision of future grandeur passed before me, in the distant vista of which I per- ceived a coach with four horses and a service of plate. It was, however, driven away before I could decipher it, by positive bodily pain, oc- casioned by my elder brother Tom, who, ha\ing been directed by my father to snuff the candles, took the opportunity of my abstraction to insert a piece of the still ignited cotton into my left ear. But as my story is not a very short one, I must not dwell too long on its commencement. I shall therefore inform the reader, that my father, who lived in the north of England, did not b2 4 PETER SIMPLE. think it right to fit me out at the country town, near to which we resided ; but about a fortnight after the decision which I have referred to, he forwarded me to London on the outside of the coach, with my best suit of bottle-green and six shirts. To prevent mistakes, I was booked in the way-bill " to be delivered to Mr. Thomas Handycock, No. 14, Saint Clement's-lane-— carriage paid."' My parting with the family was very affecting; my mother cried bitterly, for, like all mothers, she liked the greatest fool which she had presented to my father, better than all the rest; my sisters cried because my mother cried ; Tom roared for a short time more loudly than all the rest, having been chastised by my father for breaking his fourth window in that week ; during all which, my father walked up and down the room with impatience, because he was kept from his dinner, and, like all or- thodox divines, he was tenacious of the only sensual enjoyment permitted to his cloth. At last I tore m.yself away. I had blubbered till my eyes were so red and swollen, that the pupils were scarcely to be distinguished, and tears and dirt had veined my cheeks like the marble of the chimney-piece. My handkerchief was soaked through vith \^iping my eyes and PETER SIMPLE. O blowing my nose, before the scene was over. My brother Tom, with a kindness which did honour to his heart, exchanged his for mine, saying, with fraternal regard, "Here, Peter, take mine, it's as dry as a bone." But my father would not wait for a second handkerchief to perform its duty. He led me away through the hall, when, having shaken hands with all the men, and kissed all the maids, who stood in a row with their aprons to their eyes, I quitted my paternal roof. The coachman accompanied me to the place from whence the stage was to start. Having seen me securely wedged between two fat old women, and having put my parcel inside, he took his leave, and in a few minutes T v.as on my road to London. I was too much depressed to take notice of anything during my journey. When we ar- rived in London, they drove to the Blue Boar, (in a street, the name of which I have forgotten.) I had never seen or heard of such an animal, and certainly it did appear very formidable; its mouth was open and teeth very large. Wliat surprised me still more was to observe that its teeth and hoofs were of pure gold. Who knows, thought I, that in some of the strange b PETER SIMPLE. countries which I am doomed to visit, but that I may fall in with, and shoot one of these terrific monsters ? with what haste shall I select those precious parts, and with what joy should I, on my return, pour them as an offering of filial affection into my mother^s lap ! — and then, as I thought of my mother, the tears again gushed into my eyes. The coachman threw his whip to the ostler, and the reins upon the horses' backs : he then dismounted, and calling to me, " Now, young gentleman, Fse a- waiting," he put a ladder up for me to get down by ; then turning to a porter, he said to him, " Bill, you must take this here young gem^'man and that ere parcel to this here direction. Please to remember the coachman, Sir." I replied that I certainly would, if he wished it, and walked off with the porter ; the coachman observing, as I went away, "Well, he is a fool — thaf s sartain." I arrived quite safe at St. Clement's-lane, when the porter re- ceived a shilling for his trouble from the maid who let me in, and I was shown up into a parlour, where I found myself in company with Mrs. Handycock. Mrs. Handycock was a little meagre woman, who did not speak very good English, and who PETER SIMPLE. 7 appeared to me to employ the major part of her time in bawhng out from the top of the stairs to the 'servants below. I never saw her either read a book or occupy herself with needle-work, during the whole time I was in the house. She had a large grey parrot, and I really cannot tell which screamed the worse of the two — but she was very civil and kind to me, and asked me ten times a-day when I had last heard of my grand- father. Lord Privilege. I observed that she always did so if any company happened to call in during my stay at her house. Before I had been there ten minutes, she told me that she "hadored sailors — they were the defendiours and preserviours of their kings and countries," and that " Mr. Handycock would be home by four o'clock, and then we should go to dinner." Then she jumped off her chair to bawl to the cook from the head of the stairs — "Jemima, Jemima ! — veil ha'e the viting biled instead of fried." " Can't, marm," replied Jemima, "they be all begged and crumbed, with their tails in their mouths." "Veil, then, never mind, Je- mima," replied the lady. "Don't put your finger into the parrot's cage, my love — he's apt to be cross with strangers. Mr. Handycock will 8 PETER SIMPLE. be home at four o'clock, and then we shall have our dinner. Are you fond of viting ?"" As I was very anxious to see Mr. Handycock, and very anxious to have my dinner, I was not sorry to hear the clock on the stairs strike four ; when Mrs. Handycock again jumped up, and put her head over the banisters, " Jemima, Jemima, it's four o'clock !" " I hear it, marm," replied the cook ; and she gave the frying-pan a twist, which made the hissing and the smell come flying up into the parlour, and made me more hungry than ever. Rap, tap, tap ! " There's your master, Jemima," screamed the lady. " I hear him, marm,*" replied the cook. " Run down, my dear, and let Mr .Handycock in," said his wife. " He'll be so surprised at seeing you open the door." I ran down as Mrs. Handycock desired me, and opened the street-door. " Who the devil are you ?" in a gruff voice, cried Mr. Handy- cock; a man about six feet high, dressed in blue cotton-net pantaloons and Hessian boots, with a black coat and waistcoat. I was a little rebuffed, I must own, but I replied that I was Mr. Simple. " And pray, Mr. Simple, what w ould your grandfather say if he saw you now ? PETER SIMPLE. 9 I have servants in plent}" to open my door, and the parlour is the proper place for young gentle- men." " Law, Mr. Handycock," said his \\-ife, from the top of the stairs, " how can you be so cross ? I toldi'iim to open the door to surprise you." " And you have surprised me,'' replied he, " with your cursed folly/' While Mr. Handycock was rubbing his boots on the mat, I went up stairs, rather mortified, I must own, as my father had told me that ^Ir. Handycock was his stock-broker, and would do all he could to make me comfortable; indeed, he had written to that effect in a letter, which my father showed to me before I left home. When I returned to the parlour, Mrs. Handy- cock whispered to me, " Never mind, my dear, ifs only because there's something wrong on 'Change. Mr. Handycock is a hear just now." I thought so too, but I made no answer, for Mr. Handycock came up stairs, and walking with two strides from the door of the parlour to the fire-place, turned his back to it, and lift- ing up his coat-tails, began to whistle. " Are you ready for your dinner, my dear ?" said the lady, almost trembling. " If the dinner is ready for me. I believe B 5 10 PETER SIMPLE. we usually dine at four," answered her husband gruffly. " Jemima, Jemima, dish up ! do you hear, Jemima ?" " Yes, marm," replied the cook, " directly I've thickened the butter ;" and Mrs. Handycock resumed her seat, with, " Well, Mr. Simple, and how is your grandfather. Lord Privilege ?" " He is quite well, ma'am,"" an- swered I, for the fifteenth time at least. But dinner put an end to the silence which followed this remark. Mr. Handycock lowered his coat- tails and walked down stairs, leaving his wife and me to follow at our leisure. " Pray, ma'am," inquired I, as soon as he was out of hearing, " what is the matter with Mr. Handycock, that he is so cross to you ?'* " Vy, my dear, it is one of the misfortunes of matermony, that ven the husband's put out, the vife is sure to have her share of it. Mr Handy- cock must have lost money on 'Change, and then he always comes home cross. Ven he vins, then he is as merry as a cricket," " Are you people coming down to dinner ?" roared Mr. Handycock from below. " Yes my dear," replied the lady, " I thought that you were washing your hands." We descended PETER SIMPLE. 1 1 into the dining-room, where we found that Mr. Handycock had already devoured two of the whitings, leaving only one on the dish for his wife and me. " Vould you like a Httle bit of \'iting, my dear ?" said the lady to me. " It's not worth halving," observed the gentleman, in a surly tone, taking up the fish with his own knife and fork, and putting it on his plate. " Well, Fm so glad you like them, my dear," replied the lady meekly ; then turning to me, " there's some nice roast weal coming, my dear." The veal made its appearance, and fortunately for us ]Mr. Handycock could not devour it all. He took the lion's share, nevertheless, cutting off all the brown, and then shoving the dish over to his wife to help herself and me. I had not put two pieces in my mouth before Mr. Handy- cock desired me to get up and hand him the porter-pot, which stood on the sideboard. I thought that if it was not right for me to open a door, neither was it for me to wait at table — but I obeyed him without making a remark. After dinner, Mr. Handycock went down to the cellar for a bottle of wine. " O dear yme !' exclaimed his wife, " he must have lost a mint of money— we had better go up stairs and 12 PETER SIMPLE. leave him alone ; he'll be better after a bottle of port, perhaps." I was very glad to go away, and being very tired, I went to bed without any tea, for Mrs. Handycock dared not venture to make it before her husband came up stairs. PETER SIMPLE. 13 CHAPTER II. Fitting- out on the shortest notice — Fortunately for me this day Mr. Handycock is a bear, and I fare very well — I set off for Portsmouth — Behind the coach I meet a man before the mast — He is disguised with liquor, but is not the only disguise I fall in with in my journey. The next morning Mr. Handycock appeared to be in somewhat better humour. One of the linen-drapers who fitted out cadets, &c. " on the shortest notice," was sent for, and orders given for my equipment, which ]\Ir. Handycock in- sisted should be ready on the day afterwards, or the articles would be left on his hands ; adding, that my place was already taken in the Ports- mouth coach. " Really, sir," observed the man, " I'm afraid — on such very short notice " " Your card says, ' the shortest notice,* " re- 14 PETER SIMPLE. joined Mr. Handy cock, with the confidence and authority of a man who is enabled to correct another by his own assertions, " If you do not choose to undertake the work, another will." This silenced the man, who made his pro- mise, took my measure, and departed ; and soon afterwards Mr. Handycock also quitted the liouse. What with my grandfather and the parrot, and Mrs. Handycock wondering how much money her husband had lost, running to the head of the stairs and talking to the cook, the day passed away pretty well till four o'clock ; when, as before, Mrs. Handycock screamed, the cook screamed, the parrot screamed, and Mr. Handy- cock rapped at the door, and was let in — but not by me. He ascended the stairs with three bounds, and coming into the parlour, cried, " Well, Nancy, my love, how are you ?'* Then stoop- ing over her, " Give me a kiss, old girl. Fm as hungry as a hunter. Mr. Simple, how do you do ? I hope you have passed the morning agree- ably. I must wash my hands and change my boots, my love ; I am not fit to sit down to table with you in this pickle. Well, Polly, how are you?" " I'm glad youVe hungry, my dear, Tve such PETER SIMPLE. ]5 a nice dinner for you,'' replied the wife, all smiles. " Jemima, be quick and dish up— IMr. Handycock is so hungry." " Yes, marm," replied the cook ; and Mrs. Handycock followed her husband into his bed- room on the same floor, to assist him at his toilet. " By Jove, Nancy, the hitlh have been nicely taken in," said Mr. Handycock, as we sat down to dinner. '• O I am so glad I" replied his wife, giggling ; and so I believe she was, but why I did not un- derstand. " Mr. Simple," said he, " will you allow me to offer you a little fish." '* If you do not want it all yourself, sir," rephed I pohtely. Mrs. Handycock frowned and shook her head at me, while her husband helped me. " My dove, a bit of fish ?" We both had our share to-day, and I never saw a man more polite than Mr. Handycock. He joked with his wife, asked me to drink wine with him two or three times, talked about my grandfather ; and, in short, we had a very plea- sant evening. The next morning all my clothes came home. 16 PETER SIMPLE. but Mr. Handycock, who still continued in good humour, said that he would not allow me to travel by night, that I should sleep there and set off the next morning; which I did at six o'clock, and before eight I had arrived at the Elephant and Castle, where we stopped for a quarter of an hour. I was looking at the paint- ing representing this animal with a castle on its back : and assuming that of Alnwick, which I had seen, as a fair estimate of the size and weight of that which he carried, was attempting to enlarge my ideas so as to comprehend the stupendous bulk of the elephant, when I ob- served a crowd assembled at the corner; and asking a gentleman who sat by me in a plaid cloak, whether there was not something very uncommon to attract so many people, he re- plied, " Not very, for it is only a drunken sailor." I rose from my seat, which was on the hinder part of the coach, that I might see him, for it was a new sight to me, and excited my curiosity ; when to my astonishment he staggered from the crowd, and swore that he'd go to Portsmouth. He climbed up by the wheel of the coach and sat down by me. I believe that I stared at him very much, for he said to me, " What are you PETER SIMPLE. 1/ gaping at, you young sculping ? Do you ^yant to catch flies ? or did you never see a chap half seas over before ?"" I rephedj " that I had never been at sea in my life, but that I was going." " Well, then, you're like a young bear, all your sorrows to come — that's all, my hearty^'' rephed he. " When you get on board, you'll find monkey's allowance — more kicks than half- pence. I say, you pewter-carrier, bring us another pint of ale.'"* The waiter of the inn, who was attending the coach, brought out the ale, half of which the sailor drank, and the other half threw into the waiter's face, telling him " that was his allow- ance ; and now," said he, " what's to pay ?" The waiter, who looked very angry, but ap- peared too much afraid of the sailor to say any thing, answered fourpence ; and the sailor pulled out a handful of bank-notes, mixed up with gold, silver, and coppers, and was picking out the money to pay for his beer, w^hen the coachman, who was impatient, drove off". " There's cut and run," cried the sailor, thrusting all the money into his breeches pocket " That's what you'll learn to do, my 18 PETER SIMPLE, joker, before you have been two cruizes to sea." In the meantime the gentleman in the plaid cloak, who was seated by me, smoked his cigar without saying a word. I commenced a con- versation with him relative to my profession, and asked him whether it was not very difficult to learn. " Lam," cried the sailor, interrupting us, *' no ; it may be difficult for such chaps as me before the mast to larn, but you, I presume, is a reefer, and they a'nt got much to larn, 'cause why, they pipeclays their weekly ac- counts, and walks up and down with their hands in their pockets. You must larn to chaw baccy, drink grog, and call the cat a beggar, and then you knows all a midshipman's expected to know now^-a-days. ArVt I right, sir?" said the sailor, appealing to the gentleman in a plaid cloak. " I axes you, because I see you're a sailor by the cut of your jib. Beg pardon, sir," continued be, touching his hat, " hope no offence." " I am afraid that you have nearly hit the mark, my good fellow,'" replied the gentleman. The drunken fellow then entered into con- versation with him, stating that he had been PETER SIMPLE. 19 paid off from the Audacious at Portsmouth, and had come up to London to spend his money with his messmates ; but that yesterday he had discovered that a Jew at Portsmouth had sold him a seal as gold for fifteen shillings, which proved to be copper, and that he was going back to Portsmouth to give the Jew a couple of black eyes for his rascality, and that when he had done that, he was to return to his mess- mates, who had promised to drink success to the expedition at the Cock and Bottle, St. Mar- tin's Lane, until he should return. The gentleman in the plaid cloak commended him very much for his resolution : for he said, " that although the journey to and from Ports- mouth would cost twice the value of a gold seal, yet, that in the end it might be worth a Jew's eye" What he meant I did not com- prehend. Wlienever the coach stopped, the sailor called for more ale, and always threw the remainder which he could not drink into the face of the man who brought it out for him, just as the coach was starting off, and then tossed the pewter pot on the ground for him to pick up. He became more tipsy every stage, and the last from Portsmouth, when he pulled out his money 29 peteh simple. he could find no silver, so he handed down a note, and desired the waiter to change it. The waiter crumpled it up and put it into his pocket, and then returned the sailor the change for a one-pound note : but the gentleman in the plaid had observed that it vras a five-pound note which the sailor had given, and insisted upon the waiter producing it, and giving the proper change. The sailor took his money, which the waiter handed to him, begging pardon for the mistake, although he coloured up very much at being detected. " I really beg your pardon," said he again, " it was quite a mistake :" where- upon the sailor threw the pewter pot at the waiter, saying, " I really beg your pardon too," — and with such force, that it flattened upon the man's head, who fell senseless on the road. The coachman drove off, and I never heard whether the man was killed or not. After the coach had driven off, the sailor eyed the gentleman in the plaid cloak for a minute or two, and then said, " When I first looked at you I took you for some officer in mufti ; but now that I see you look so sharp after the rhino, it's my idea that youVe some poor devil of a Scotchman, mayhap second mate of a marchant vessel — there's half-a-crown PETER SIMPLE. 21 for your sar vices — Vd give you more, if I thought you would spend it." The gentleman laughed, and took the half- crown, which I afterwards ohserved that he gave to a grey-headed beggar at the bottom of Ports- down Hill. I inquired of him how soon we should be at Portsmouth ; he answered that we were passing the lines ; but I saw" no lines, and I was ashamed to show my ignorance. He asked me what ship I was going to join. I could not recollect her name, but I told him it was painted on the outside of my chest, which was coming down by the waggon : all that I could recollect was that it was a French name. " Have you no letter of introduction to the captain ?' said he. " Yes, I have,'' replied I ; and I pulled out my pocket-book in which the letter was. " Cap- tain Savage, H. M. ship Diomede," continued I, reading to him. To my surprise he very coolly proceeded to open the letter, which, when I perceived \^hat he was doing, occasioned me immediately to snatch the letter from him, stating my opi- nion at the sam.e time that it was a breach of honour, and that in my opinion he was no gentleman. 22 PETER SIMPLE. " Just as you please, youngster," replied he. " Recollect, you have told me I am no gentleman." He wrapped his plaid around him, and said no more; and I was not a little pleased at having silenced him by my resolute behaviour. PETER SIMPLE. 23 CHAPTER III. I am made to look very blue at the Blue Posts — Find wild spirits around^ and, soon after^ hot spirits within me, at length my spirits overcome me — Call to pay my respects to the Captain, and find that I had had the pleasure of meeting- him before — Xo sooner out of one scrape than into another. When we stopped, I inquired of the coach- man which was the best inn. He answered " that it was the Blue Postesses, where the midshipmen leave their chestesses, call for tea and toastesses, and sometimes forget to pay for their breakfastesses." He laughed when he said it, and I thought that he was joking with me; but he pointed out two large blue posts at the door next the coach-office, and told me that all the midshipmen resorted to that hoteL He then asked me to remember the coachman, which, by this time, I had found out implied that I was not to forget to give him a shilling, 24 PETER SIMPLE. which I did, and then went into the inn. The coiFee-room was full of midshipmen, and, as I was anxious about my chest, I inquired of one of them if he knew when the waggon would come in. " Do you expect your mother by it?" re- plied he. " O no ! but I expect my uniforms — I only wear these bottle-greens until they come." '^ And pray what ship are you going to join?" " The Die-a-maid — Captain Thomas Kirk- wall Savage." " The Diomede — 1 say, Robinson, a'n't that the frigate in which the midshipmen had four dozen a-piece for not having pipe-clayed their weekly accounts on the Saturday?" " To be sure it is," replied the other ; " why, the captain gave a youngster five dozen the other day for wearing a scarlet watch-ribbon." " He's the greatest Tartar in the service," continued the other; " he flogged the whole starboard watch the last time that he was on a cruize, because the ship would only sail nine knots upon a bowline." " O dear !" said I, " then I'm very sorry that I am going to join him." PETEn SIMPLE. 25 " 'Pon my soul I pity you ; you 11 be fagged to death ; for there's only three midshipmen in the ship now — all the rest ran away. Didn't they, Robinson?'' "There's only two left now: — for poor Matthews died of fatigue. He was worked all day, and kept watch all night for six weeks, and one morning he was found dead upon his chest." "God bless my soul!"' cried I, "and yet, on shore, they say he is such a kind man to his midshipmen." " Yes," replied Robinson, " he spreads that report everywhere. Now, observe, when you first call upon him, and report your having come to join his ship, hell tell you that he is very happy to see you, and that he hopes your family are well — then he'll recom.mend you to go on board and learn your duty. After that, stand clear. Now, recollect what I have said, and see if it does not prove true. Come, sit down with us and take a glass of grog, it will keep your spirits up." These midshipmen told me so much about my captain, and the horrid cruelties which he had practised, that I had some doubts whether I had not better set off home again. VOL. I. c 26 PETER SIMPLE, V\ hen I asked their opinion, they said, that if I did, I should be taken up as a deserter and hanged ; that my best plan was to beg his ac- ceptance of a few gallons of rum, for he was very fond of grog, and, that then I might per- haps be in his good graces as long as the rum might last. I am sorry to state that the midshipmen made me very tipsy that evening. I don't re- collect being put to bed, but I found myself there the next morning with a dreadful head- ache, and a very confused recollection of what had passed. I was very much shocked at my having so soon forgotten the injunctions of my parents, and was making vows never to be so foolish again, when in came the midshipman who had been so kind to me the night before, "Come, Mr. Bottlegreen," he bawled out, al- luding, I suppose, to the colour of my clothes, "rouse and bitt. There's the captain's cox- swain waiting for you below. By the powers, you're in a pretty scrape for what you did last night !" " Did last night !" rephed I, astonished. " ^Vliy, does the captain know that I was tipsy?"* " I think you took devihsh good care to let him know it when you were at the theatre." PETER SIMPLE. 2/ " At the theatre ! Was I at the theatre ?" " To be sure you were. You would go, do all we could to prevent you, though you were as drunk as David's sow. Your captain was there with the admiral's daughters. You called him a tyrant, and snapped your fingers at him. Why, don't you recollect ? You told him that you did not care a fig for him." " O dear ! O dear I what shall I do ? what shall I do ?"' cried I. " iMy mother cautioned me so about drinking and bad company." " Bad company, you whelp — what do you mean by that ?" "01 did not particularly refer to you." " I should hope not ! However, I recom- mend you as a friend, to go to the George Inn as fast as you can, and see your captain, for the longer you stay away, the worse it will be for you. At all events, it will be decided whether he receives you or not It is fortu- nate for you that you are not on the ship's books. Come, be quick, the coxswain is gone back." " Not on the ship's books," repUed I sorrow- fully. " Now I recoUect, there was a letter from the captain to my father, stating that ho had put me on the books." c 2 28 PETER SIMPLE. "Upon my honour, I'm sorry — very sorry indeed," replied the midshipman; — and he quitted the room, looking as grave as if the misfortune had happened to himself. I got up with a heavy head, and heavier heart, and as soon as I was dressed, I asked the way to the George Inn. I took my letter of intro- duction with me, although I was afraid it would be of httle service. When I arrived, I asked, with a trembling voice, whether Cap- tain Thomas Kirkwall Savage, of H. M. ship Diomede, was staying there. The waiter re- plied, that he was at breakfast wdth Captain Courtney, but that he would take up my name. I gave it him, and in a minute the waiter returned and desired that I would walk up. O how my heart beat ! — I never was so frightened — I thought I should have dropped on the stairs. Twice I attempted to walk into the room, and each time my legs failed me; at last I wiped the perspiration from my fore- head, and with a desperate effort I went into the room. " Mr. Simple, I am glad to see you," said a voice. I had held my head down, for I was afraid to look at him, but the voice was so kind that I mustered up courage ; and, when I did PETER SIMPLE. 29 look up, there sat with his uniform and epaulets, and his sword by his side, the passenger in the plaid cloak, who wanted to open my letter, and whom I had told to his face, that he was no gentleman. I thought I should have died, as the other midshipman did upon his chest. I was just sinking dow^n upon my knees to beg for mercy, when the captain perceiving my confusion, burst out into a laugh, and said, " So you know me again, ISIr. Simple ? Well, don't be alarmed ; you did your duty in not permitting me to open the letter, supposing me, as you did, to be some other person, and you were perfectly right under that supposition to tell m.e that I was not a gentleman. I give you credit for your conduct. Now sit down and take some breakfast." " Captain Courtney," said he to the other captain, who was at the table, "this is one of my youngsters just entering the service. We were passengers yesterday by the same coach." He then told him the circumstance which oc- curred, at which they laughed heartily. I now recovered my spirits a little — but still there was the affair at the theatre, and I thought that perhaps he did not recognize me. I was, however, soon reheved from my anxiety by the 30 PETER SIMPLE. Other captain inquiring, " Were you at the theatre last night. Savage ?" " No ; I dined at the admiral's ; there's no getting away from those girls, they are so plea- sant" "I rather think you are a little — taken in that quarter." " No, on my word ! I might be, if I had time to discover which I liked best ; but my ship is at present my wife, and the only wdie I intend to have until I am laid on the shelf." Well, thought I, if he was not at the theatre, it could not have been him that I insulted. Now if I can only give him the rum, and make friends with him. " Pray, Mr. Simple, how are your father and mother?" said the captain. " Very well, I thank you, sir, and desire me to present their compliments." " I am obliged to them. Now I think the sooner you go on board and learn your duty the better." (Just what the midshipman told me — the very words, thought I — then it's all true — and I began to tremble again.) " I have a little advice to offer you," con- tinued the captain. " In the first place, obey your superior officers without hesitation ; it is PETER SIMPLE. 31 for me, not you, to decide \\ hether an order is unjust or not. In the next place, never swear or drink spirits. The first is immoral and un- gentlemanUke, the second is a vile habit which \\-ill grow upon you. I never touch spirit myself, and I expect that my young gentlemen will refrain from it also. Now you may go, and as soon as your uniforms arrive, you will repair on board. In the mean time, as I had some little insight into your character when we travelled together, let me recommend you not to be too intimate at first sight with those you meet, or you may be led into indiscretions. Good morning." I quitted the room with a low bow, glad to have surmounted so easily what appeared to be a chaos of difficult}-; but my mind was confused \vith the testimony of the midshipman, so much at variance with the language and behaviour of the captain. \Mien I arrived at the Blue Posts, I found all the midshipmen in the coftee- room, and I repeated to them all that had passed. When I had finished, they burst out laughing, and said that they had only been joking with me. " Well," said I to the one who had called me up in the morning, "you may call it joking, but I call it lying." 32 PETER SIMPLE. " Pray, Mr. Bottlegreen, do you refer to me ?" "Yes, I do," replied I. "Then, sir, as a gentleman, I demand sa- tisfaction. Slugs in a saw-pit. Death before dishonour, d e !" " I shall not refuse you," replied I, " al- though I had rather not fight a duel; my father cautioned me on the subject, desiring me, if possible, to avoid it, as it was flying in the face of my Creator; but, aware that I must uphold my character as an officer, he left me to my own discretion, should I ever be so unfor- tunate as to be in such a dilemma." " Well, we don't want one of your father's sermons at second-hand," replied the midship- man, (for I had told them that my father was a clergyman,) "the plain question is, will you fight, or will you not ?" " Could not the affair be arranged other- wise ?" interrupted another. " Will not Mr. Bottlegreen retract ?" " My name is Simple, sir, and not Bottle- green," replied I ; " and as he did tell a false- hood, I will not retract." " Then the affair m.ust go on," said the mid- shipman. " Robinson, will you oblige me by acting as my second ?" PETER SIMPLE. 33 "It's an unpleasant business," replied the other, " you are so good a shot ; but as you request it, 1 shall not refuse. Mr. Simple is not, I believe, provided with a friend." "Yes, he is," replied another of the mid- shipmen. " He is a spunky fellow, and Fll be his second." It was then arranged that we should meet the next morning with pistols. I considered that as an officer and a gentleman, I could not well refuse, but I was very unhappy. Not three days left to my own guidance, and I had become intoxicated, and was now to fight a duel. I went up into my room and wrote a long letter to my mother, inclosing a lock of my hair ; and having shed a few tears at the idea, of how sorry she would be if I were killed, I borrowed a bible from the waiter, and read it during the remainder of the dav. c 5 34 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER IV. I am taught on a cold morning, before breakfast, how to stand fire, and thus prove my courage — After breakfast I also prove my gallantry — My proof meets reproof— Women at the bottom of all mis- chief—By one I lose my liberty, and, by another, my money. When I began to wake the next morning, I could not think what it was that felt hke a weight upon my chest, but as I roused and recalled my scattered thoughts, I remembered that in an hour or two it would be decided whether I were to exist another day. I prayed fervently, and made a resolution in my own mind, that I would not have the blood of another upon my conscience, and would fire my pistol up in the air. And after I had made that resolution, I no longer felt the alarm which I did before. Before I was dressed, the midshipman who had volunteered to be my second, came into my room and informed me that the affair was to PETER SIMPLE. 35 be decided in the garden behind the inn ; that my adversary was a very good shot, and that I must expect to be winged if not ch-illed. " And what is winged and drilled ?" inquired I ; " I have not only never fought a duel, but I have not even fired a pistol in my life/' He explained what he meant, which was, that being winged implied being shot through the arm or lesr, whereas beinsf drilled was to be shot through the body. " But," continued he, "is it possible that you have never fought a duel ?" " No," replied I, " I am not yet fifteen years old." " Not fifteen ! why I thought you were eighteen at the least." (But I was very tall and stout for my age, and people generally thought me older than I actually was.) I dressed myself and followed my second into the garden, where I found all the midshipmen and some of the waiters of the inn. They all seemed very merry, as if the life of a fellow- creature was of no consequence. The seconds talked apart for a little while, and then measured the ground, which was twelve paces ; we then took our stations. I believe that I turned pale, for my second came to my side and whispered 36 PETER SIMPLE. that I must not be frightened. I replied, that I was not frightened, but that I considered that it was an awful moment. The second to my adversary then came up and asked me whether I would make an apology, which I refused to do as before : they handed a pistol to each of us, and my second showed me how I was to pull the trigger. It was arranged that at the word given, we were to fire at the same time. I made sure that I should be wounded, if not killed, and I shut my eyes as I fired my pistol in the air. I felt my head swim, and thought I was hurt, but fortunately I was not. The pistols were loaded again, and we fired a second time. The seconds then interfered, and it was proposed that we should shake hands, which I v/as very glad to do, for I considered my life to have been saved by a miracle. We all went back to the coffee-room, and sat down to breakfast. They then told me that they all belonged to the same ship that I did, and that they were glad to see that I could stand fire, for the captain was a terrible fellow for cutting out and running imder the enemy's batteries. The next day my chest arrived by the waggon, and I threw off my " bottle-greens" and put on my uniform. I had no cocked hat, or dirk, as PETER SIMPLE. 37 the warehouse people employed by Mr. Handy- cock did not supply those articles, and it was arranged that I should procure them at Ports- mouth. When I inquired the price, I found that they cost more money than I had in m.y pocket, so I tore up the letter I had written to my mother before the duel, and wrote another asking for a remittance to purchase my cUrk and cocked hat. I then walked out in my uni- form, not a little proud, I must confess. I was now an officer in his Majesty's service, not very high in rank certainly, but still an officer and a gentleman, and I made a vow that I would sup- port the character, although I was considered the greatest fool of the family. I had arrived opposite a place called Sally Port, when a young lady very nicely dressed, looked at me very hard and said, " Well, Reefer, how are you off for soap ?" I was astonished at the question, and more so at the interest which she seemed to take in my affairs. I answered, " Thank you, I am very well off; I have four cakes of W'indsor, and two bars of yellow for washing." She laughed at my reply, and asked me whether i would walk home and take a bit of dinner with her. I was astonished at this polite offer, which m.y modesty induced me to 38 PETER SIMPLE. ascribe more to my uniform than to my own merits, and, as I felt no inclination to refuse the compliment, I said that I should be most happy. I thought I might venture to oifer my arm, which she accepted, and we proceeded up High Street on our way to her home. Just as we passed the admiral's house, I per- ceived my captain walking with two of the admiral's daughters. I was not a little proud to let him see that I had female acquaintances as well as he had, and, as I passed him with the young lady under my protection, I took off my hat, and made him a low bow. To my surprise, not only did he not return the salute, but he looked at me with a very stern countenance. 1 concluded that he was a very proud man, and did not wish the admiral's daughters to suppose that he knew midshipmen by sight ; but I had not exactly made up my mind on the subject, when the captain, having seen the ladies into the admiral's house, sent one of the messengers after me to desire that I would immediately come to him at the George Inn, which was nearly opposite. I apologized to the young lady, and promised to return immediately if she would wait for me ; but she replied, if that was my captain, it PETER SIMPLE. 39 was her idea that I should have a confounded wiggmg and be sent on board. So, wishing me good-bye, she left me and continued her way home. I could as little comprehend all this as why the captain looked so black when I passed him; but it was soon explained when I went up to him in the parlour at the George Inn. " I am sorry, Mr. Simple," said the captain, when I entered, '' that a lad like you should show such early symptoms of depravity ; still more so, that he should not have the grace which even the most hardened are not wholly destitute of — I mean to practise immorality in secret, and not degrade themselves and insult their captain by unblushingly avowing (I may say glorying in) their iniquity, by exposing it in broad day, and in the most frequented street of the town." " Sir !" replied I, with astonishment, " O dear ! what have I done ?" The captain fixed his keen eyes upon me, so that they appeared to pierce me through, and nail me to the wall. " Do you pretend to say, sir, that you were not aware of the character of the person with whom you were walking just now ?" " No, sir," replied I, '• except that she was 40 PETER SIMPLE. very kind and good-natured ;" and then I told him how she had addressed me, and what subse- quently took place. " And is it possible, Mr. Simple, that you are so great a fool?" I replied that I certainly was considered the greatest fool of our family. " I should think you were," replied he, drily. He then explained to me who the person was with whom I was in company, and how any as- sociation with her would inevitably lead to my ruin and disgrace. I cried very much, for I was shocked at the narrow escape which I had had, and mortified at having fallen in his good opinion. He asked me how I had employed my time since I had been at Portsmouth, and I made an acknow- ledgment of having been made tipsy, related all that the midshipmen had told me, and how I had that morning fought a duel. He listened to my whole story very atten- tively, and I thought that occasionally there was a smile upon his face, although he bit his lips to prevent it. When I had finished, he said, " Mr. Simple, I can no longer trust you on shore until you are more experienced in the world. I shall desire my coxswain not to lose sight of you until you are safe on board of the frigate. When you PETER SIMPLE. 41 have sailed a few months with me, you will then be able to decide whether I deserve the charac- ter which the young gentlemen have painted, with, I must say, I believe, the sole intention of practising upon your inexperience." Altogether I did not feel sorry when it was over. I saw that the captain believed what I had stated, and that he was disposed to be kind to me, although he thought me very silly. The coxswain, in obedience to his orders, ac- companied me to the Blue Posts. I packed up my clothes, paid my bill, and the porter wheeled my chest down to the Sally Port, where the boat was waiting. " Come, heave a-head, my lads, be smart. The captain says we are to take the young gentleman on board directly. His liberty's stopped for getting drunk and running after the Dolly Mops !" " I should thank you to be more respectful in your remarks, Mr. Coxswain," said I with displeasure. " Mister Coxswain I thanky, sir, for giving me a handle to my name," replied he. " Come, be smart with your oars, my lads !" " La, Bill Freeman," said a young woman on the beach, " what a nice young gentleman you 4*2 PETER SIMPLE. have there. He looks like a suckmg Nelson. I say, my pretty young officer, could you lend me a shilling ?" I was so pleased at the woman calling me young Nelson, that I immediately complied with her request. " I have not a shilling in my pocket," said I, " but here is half-a-crown, and you can change it, and bring me back the eighteen-pence." " Well, you are a nice young man," replied she, taking the half-crown, '' Pll be back directly, my dear." The men in the boat laughed, and the cox- swain desired them to shove off. " No," observed I, " you must wait for my eighteen-pence." " We shall wait a devilish long while, then, I suspect. I know that girl, and she has a very bad memory." " She cannot be so dishonest or ungrateful," replied I. " Coxswain, I order you to stay — I am an officer." " I know you are, sir, about six hours old ; well, then, I must go up and tell the captain that you have another girl in tow, and that you won't go on board." " O no, Mr. Coxswain, pray don't ; shove PETER SIMPLE. 43 off as soon as you please, and never mind the eighteen-pence." The boat then shoved off, and pulled towards the ship, which lay at Spithead. 44 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER V. I am introduced to the quarter-deck, and first lieu- tenant, who pronounces me very clever — Trotted below to Mrs. Trotter — Connubial bliss in a cock-pit — Mrs. Trotter takes me in, as a messmate — Feel very much surprised that so many people know that I am the son of — my father. On our arrival on board, the coxswain gave a note from the captain to the first lieutenant, who happened to be on deck. He read the note, looked at me earnestly, and then I overheard him say to another lieutenant, " The service is going to the devil. As long as it was not popular, if we had not much education, we at least had the chance that natural abilities gave us ; but now that great people send their sons for a pro- vision into the navy, we have all the refuse of their families, as if anything was good enough to make a captain of a man-of-war, who has occasionally more responsibility on his shoul- PETER SI3IPLE. 45 ders, and is placed in situations requiring more judgment, than any other people in existence. Here's another of the fools of a family made a present of to the country — another cub for me to lick into shape. Well, I never saw the one yet I did not make something of. ^Miere's Mr. Simple ?" " I am Mr. Simple, sir,'' rephed I, very much fi'ightened at what 1 had overheard. " Now, Mr. Simple," said the first lieutenant, " observe, and pay particular attention to what I say. The captain tells me in this note that you have been shamming stupid. Xow, sir, I am not to be taken in that way. You're something like the monkeys, who won't speak because they are afraid they will be made to work. I have looked attentively at your face, and I see at once that you are very clever^ and if you do not prove so in a very short time, why — you had better jump overboard, that's all. Perfectly under- stand me. I know that you are a very clever fellow, and having told you so, don't you pretend to impose upon me, for it won't do." I was very much terrified at this speech, but at the same time I was pleased to hear that he thought me clever, and I determined to do all in my power to keep up such an unexpected re- putation. 46 PETER SIMPLE. " Qaai'ter-master," said the first lieutenant, " tell Mr. Trotter to come on deck." The quarter-master brought up Mr. Trotter, who apologized for being so dirty, as he was breaking casks out of the hold. He was a short, thick-set man, about thirty years of age, with a nose which had a red club to it, very dirty teeth, and large black whiskers. " Mr. Trotter," said the first lieutenant, " here is a young gentleman who has joined the ship. Introduce him into the berth, and see his ham- mock slung. You must look after him a little." " I really have very little time to look after any of them, sir," replied Mr. Trotter, " but I will do what I can. Follow me, youngster." Accordingly, I descended the ladder -after him ; then I went down another, and then to my surprise I was desired by him to go down a third, which, when I had done, he informed me that I was in the cock-pit. " Now, youngster," said Mr. Trotter, seating himself upon a large chest, " you may do as you please. The midshipmen's mess is on the deck above this, and if you Hke to join, why you can : but this 1^ will tell you as a friend, that you will be thrashed all day long, and fare very badly; the weakest always goes to the wall there, but perhaps you do not mind that. Now PETER SIMPLE. 47 that we are in harbour, I mess here because Mrs. Trotter is on board. She is a very charm- ing woman, I can assure you, and will be here directly ; she has just gone up into the galley to look after a net of potatoes in the copper. If you hke it better, I will ask her permission for you to mess -s^ith us. You will then be away fi-om the midshipmen, w^ho are a sad set, and will teach you nothing but what is immoral and improper, and you will have the advantage of being in good society, for Mrs. Trotter has kept the very best in England. I make you this oiFer because I want to oblige the first lieutenant, who appears to take an interest about you, other'W'ise I am not very fond of having any intrusion upon my domestic happiness.""* I replied that I was much obliged to him for his kindness, and that if it would not put ^Irs. Trotter to an inconvenience, I should be happy to accept of his offer : indeed, I thought mvself very fortunate in having met with such a fi'iend. I had scarcely time to reply, when I perceived a pair of legs, cased in black cotton stockings, on the ladder above us, and it proved that they be- longed to Mrs. Trotter, who came down the ladder with a net full of smoking potatoes. '•' Upon my word, Mrs. Trotter, you must 48 PETER SIMPLE. be conscious of having a very pretty ancle, or you would not venture to display it, as you have to Mr. Simple, a young gentleman vihom I beg to introduce to you, and who, with your permis- sion, will join our mess.'"* " My dear Trotter, how cruel of you not to give me warning; I thought that nobody was below. I declare I'm so ashamed,"' continued the lady, simpering, and covering her face with the hand which was unemployed. " It can't be helped now, my love, neither w^as there anything to be ashamed of. I trust Mr. Simple and you will be very good friends. I believe I mentioned his desire to join our mess." " I am sure I shall be very happy in his com- pany. This is a strange place for me to live in, Mr. Simple, after the society to which I have been accustomed ; but affection can make any sacrifice ; and rather than lose the company of my dear Trotter, who has been unfortunate in pecuniary matters — " " Say no more about it, my love. Domestic happiness is everything, and will enliven even the gloom of a cock-pit." " And yet," continued Mrs. Trotter, " when I think of the time when we used to live in PETER SIMPLE, 49 London, and keep our carriage. Have you ever been in London, Mr. Simple ?" I answered that I had. " Then, probably, you may have been ac- quainted with, or have heard of, the Smiths." I repHed that the only people that I knew there, were a Mr. and Mrs. Handy cock. "Well, if I had known that you were in London, I should have been very glad to have given you a letter of introduction to the Smiths. They are quite the topping people of the place." "But, my dear," interrupted Mr. Trotter, " is it not time to look after our dinner ?" " Yes ; I am going forward for it now. We have skewer pieces to-day. Mr. Simple, will you excuse me ?" — and then, with a great deal of flirtation and laughing about her ancles, and requesting me, as a favour, to turn my face away, Mrs. Trotter ascended the ladder. As the reader may wish to know what sort of looking personage she w^as, I will take this opportunity to describe her. Her figure was very good, and at one period of her hfe I thought her face must have been very hand- some: at the time I was introduced to her, it showed the ravages of time or hardship VOL. I. D 50 PETER SliMPLE. very distinctly ; in short, she might be termed a faded beauty, flaunting in her dress, and not very clean in her person. " Charming woman, Mrs. Trotter, is she not, Mr. Simple ?" said the master's mate ; to which of course I immediately acquiesced. " Now, Mr. Simple," continued he, "there are a few arrangements which I had better mention while Mrs. Trotter is away, for she would be shocked at our talking about such things. Of course, the style of living which we indulge in is rather expensive. Mrs. Trotter cannot dispense with her tea and her other little comforts; at the same time I must put you to no extra expense — I had rather be out of pocket myself. I pro- pose that during the time you mess with us, you shall only pay one guinea per week ; and, as for entrance money, why I think I must not charge you more than a couple of guineas. Have you any money ?" " Yes," I rephed, " I have three guineas and a half left.'^ " Well, then, give me the three guineas, and the half-guinea you can reserve for pocket- money. You must write to your friends im- mediately for a further supply." I handed him the money, which he put in PETER SIMPLE. 51 his pocket. "Your chest," continued he, "you shall bring down here, for Mrs. Trotter Msill, I am sure, if I request it, not only keep it in order for you, but see that your clothes are properly mended. She is a charming woman, Mrs. Trotter, and very fond of young gentle- men. How old are you 7^ I rephed that I was fifteen. " No more ! well, I am glad of that, for Mrs. Trotter is very particular after a certain age. I should recommend you on no account to associate with the other midshipmen. They are very angrj- with me, because I would not permit Mrs. Trotter to join their mess, and they are sad stor^'-tellers." "That they certainly are," replied I; but here we were interrupted by INIrs. Trotter coming down ^^-ith a piece of stick in her hand, upon which were skewered about a dozen small pieces of beef and pork, which she first laid on a plate, and then began to lay the cloth, and prepare for dinner. "Mr. Simple is only fifteen, my dear," ob- served ]Mr. Trotter. " Dear me," rephed Mrs. Trotter, " why, how tall he is ! He is quite as tall, for his age, as young Lord Foutretown, whom you used to D 2 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS i-lBRARY 52 PETER SIMPLE. take out with you in the chay. Do you know Lord Foutretown, Mr. Simple ?" " No, I do not, ma'am," replied I ; but wish- ing to let them know that I was w^ell connected, I continued, "but I dare say that my grand- father, Lord Privilege, does."" " God bless me ! is Lord Privilege your grandfather ? Well, I thought I saw a Hkeness somewhere. Don't you recollect Lord Privi- lege, my dear Trotter, that we met at Lady Scamp's — an elderly person ? If s very un- grateful of you not to recollect him, for he sent you a very fine haunch of venison." " Privilege — bless me, yes. O yes ! an old gentleman, is he not?"" said Mr. Trotter, ap- pealing to me. " Yes, sir," replied I, quite delighted to find myself among those who were acquainted with my family. « Well, then, Mr. Simple,'' said Mrs. Trotter, "since we have the pleasure of being ac- quainted with your family, I shall now^ take you under my own charge, and I shall be so fond of you, that Trotter shall become quite jealous," added she, laughing. " We have but a poor dinner to-day, for the bum-boat woman disappointed me. I particularly requested her PETER SIMPLE. 53 to bring me off a leg of lamb, but she says that there was none in the market It is rather early for it, that's fcrue, but Trotter is very nice in his eating. Now let us sit down to dinner." I felt very sick indeed, and could eat nothing. Our dinner consisted of the pieces of beef and pork, the potatoes, and a baked pudding in a tin dish. Mr. Trotter went up to serve the spirits out to the ship's company, and returned with a bottle of rum. " Have you got Mr. Simple's allowance, my love 7^ inquired Mrs. Trotter. "Yes, he is \ictualled to-day, as he came on board before twelve o'clock. Do you drink spirits, Mr. Simple?" "Xo, I thank you," replied I, for I re- membered the captain's injunction. "Taking, as I do, such an interest in your welfare, I must earnestly recommend you to abstain from them," said Mr. Trotter. " It is a very bad habit, and once acquired, not easy to be left off. I am obliged to drink them that I may not check the perspiration after working in the hold : I have, nevertheless, a natural ab- horrence of them; but my champagne and claret days are gone by, and I must submit to cir- cumstances," 54 PETER SIMPLE. « My poor Trotter !" said the lady. "Well," continued he, "it's a poor heart that never rejoiceth." He then poured out half a tumbler of rum, and filled the glass up with water. " My love, will you taste it ?" " Now, Trotter, you know that I never touch it, except when the water is so bad, that I must have the taste taken away. How is the water to-day?" " As usual, my dear, not drinkable." After much persuasion, Mrs. Trotter agreed to sip a little out of his glass. I thought that she took it pretty often, considering that she did not hke it, but I felt so unwell that I was obliged to go on the main deck. There I was met by a mid- shipman whom I had not seen before. He looked very earnestly in my face, and then asked my name. " Simple ?" said he ; " what, are you the son of old Simple ?" "Yes, sir," replied I, astonished that so many should know my family. " Well, I thought so by the likeness. And how is your father?" " Very well, I thank you, sir." " When you write to him, make my compli- ments, and tell him that I desired to be par- ticularly remembered to him:" and he walked PETER SIMPLE. 65 forward, but as he forgot to mention his own name, I could not do it. I went to bed very tired ; Mr. Trotter had my hammock hung up in the cock-pit, separated by a canvass screen from the cot in which he slept with his wife. I thought this very odd, but they told me it was the general custom on board ship, although Mrs. Trotter's delicacy was very much shocked by it. I was \ery sick, but Mrs, Trotter was very kind. When I was in bed she kissed me, and wished me good night, and very soon afterwards I fell fast asleep. 56 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER VI. Puzzled with very common words — Mrs. Trotter takes care of my wardrobe — a matrimonial duet, ending con strepito. I AWOKE the next morning at day-light with a noise over my head which sounded like thun- der; I found it proceeded from holystoning and washing down the main-deck. I was very much refreshed nevertheless, and did not feel the least sick or giddy. Mr. Trotter, who had been up at four o''clock, came down and directed one of the marines to fetch me some water. I washed myself on my chest, and then went on the main-deck, which they were swabbing dry. Standing by the sentry at the cabin door, I met one of the midshipmen with whom I had been in company at the Blue Posts. " So, Master Simple, old Trotter and his PETER SIMPLE. 57 faggot of a wife have got hold of you — have they?" said he. I rephed, that I did not know the meaning of faggot, but that I con- sidered Mrs. Trotter a very charming woman. At which he burst into a loud laugh. " Well," said he, " I'll just give you a caution. Take care, or they'll make a clean sweep. Has Mrs. Trotter shown you her ancle yet ?" " Yes," I replied, " and a very pretty one it is." " Ah ! she's at her old tricks. You had much better have joined our mess at once. You're not the first greenhorn that they have plucked. Well," said he, as he walked away, " keep the key of your own chest — that's all." But as Mr. Trotter had warned me that the midshipmen would abuse them, I paid very little attention to what he said. When he left me I went on the quarter-deck. All the sailors were busy at work, and the first lieu- tenant cried out to the gunner, " Now, Mr. Dispart, if you are ready, we'll breech these guns." " Now, my lads," said the first lieutenant, " we must slue (the part the breeches cover) more forward." As I never heard of a gun having breeches, 1 was very anxious to see D 5 58 PETER SIMPLE. what was going on, and went up close to the first Heutenant, who said to me, " Youngster, hand me that monkey's tail" I saw nothing like a monkey's tail, but I was so frightened that I snatched up the first thing that I saw, which was a short bar of iron, and it so hap- pened that it was the very article which he wanted. When I gave it to him, the first lieutenant looked at me, and said. " So you know what a monkey's tail is already, do you ? Now don't you ever sham stupid after that." Thought I to myself, I'm very lucky, but if that's a monkey's tail it's a very stiff one ! I resolved to learn the names of everything as fast as I could, that I might be prepared, so I listened attentively to what was said ; but I soon became quite confused, and despaired of remembering anything. " How is this to be finished off, sir ?" inquired a sailor of the boatswain. " Why, I beg leave to hint to you, sir, in the most delicate manner in the world," replied the boatswain, " that it must be with a double wall — and be d d to you — don't vou know that yet? Captain of the foretop," said he, " up on your horses, and take your stirrups up three inches." — " Aye, aye, sir." PETER SIMPLE. 59 (I looked and looked, but I could see no horses.) " Mr. Chucks." said the first lieutenant to the boatswain, " what blocks have we below — not on charge ?" " Let me see, sir, IVe one sister, Mother we spUt in haK the other day, and I think I have a couple of monkeys down in the store- room. — I say, you Smith, pass that brace through the huWs eye, and take the sheepshank out before you come down." And then he asked the first lieutenant whether something should not be fitted with a mouse or only a turk'^s head — told him the goose-neck must be spread out by the armourer as soon as the forge was up. In short, what with dead-eyes and shrouds, cats and cathlocks, dolphins and dolphin-strikers, whips and pud- dings, I was so puzzled with what I heard, that I was about to leave the deck in absolute despair. " And, Mr. Chucks, recollect this afternoon that you bleed all the buoys" Bleed the boys ! thought I, what can that be for? at all events, the surgeon appears to be the proper person to perform that operation. This last incomprehensible remark drove me 60 PETER SIMPLE. off the deck, and I retreated to the cock-pit, where I found Mrs. Trotter. " O my dear !'* said she, " I am glad you are come, as I wish to put your clothes in order. Have you a hst of them — where is your key ?" I rephed that I had not a list, and I handed her the key, although I did not forget the caution of the midshipman; yet I considered that there could be no harm in her looking over my clothes when I was present. She unlocked my chest, and pulled everything out, and then commenced telling me what were likely to be useful, and what were not. " Now these worsted stockings," she said, " will be very comfortable in cold weather, and in the summer time these brown cotton socks will be delightfully cool, and you have enough of each to last you till you outgrow them; but as for these fine cotton stockings, they are of no use — only catch the dirt when the decks are swept, and always look untidy. I wonder how they could be so foolish as to send them; nobody wears them on board ship now-a-days. They are only fit for women — I wonder if they would fit me." She turned her chair away, and put on one of my stockings, laughing the whole of the time. PETER SIMPLE. 61 Then she turned round to me and showed me how nicely they fitted her. " Bless you, Mr. Simple, it's well that Trotter is in the hold, he'd be so jealous — do you know what these stockings cost? They are of no use to you, and they fit me. I will speak to Trotter, and take them off your hands." I replied, that I could not think of selHng them, and as they were of no use to me and fitted her, I begged that she would accept of the dozen pairs. At first she positively refused, but as I pressed her she at last consented, and I was very happy to give them to her as she was very kind to me, and I thought, with her husband, that she was a very charming woman. We had beef-steaks and onions for dinner that day, but I could not bear the smell of the onions. Mr. Trotter came down very cross, because the first lieutenant had found fault with him. He swore that he would cut the service — that he had only remained to obhge the captain, who said that he would sooner part with his right arm, and that he would demand satisfaction of the first Ueu- tenant as soon as he could obtain his discharge. Mrs. Trotter did all she could to pacify him, reminded him that he had the protection of 62 PETER SIMPLE. Lord this and Sir Thomas that, who would see him righted; but in vain. The first lieu- tenant had told him, he said, that he was not worth his salt, and blood only could wipe away the insult. He drank glass of grog after glass of grog, and at each glass became more violent; and Mrs. Trotter drank also, I ob- served, a great deal more than I thought she ought to have done ; but she whispered to me, that she drank it that Trotter might not, as he would certainly be tipsy. I thought this very devoted on her part ; but they sat so late that I went to bed and left them — he still drinking and vowing vengeance against the first heu- tenant. I had not been asleep above two or three hours, when I was awakened by a great noise and quarrelling, and I discovered that Mr. Trotter was drunk and beating his wife. Very much shocked that such a charming wo- man should be beaten and ill used, I scrambled out of my hammock to see if I could be of any assistance, but it was dark, although they scuf- fled as much as before. I asked the marine, who was sentry at the gun-room door above, to bring his lanthorn, and was very much shocked at his replying that I had better go to bed and let them fight it out. PETER SIMPLE. 63 Shortly afterwards, Mrs. Trotter, who had not taken off her clothes, came from behind the screen. I perceived at once that the poor woman could hardly stand ; she reeled to my chest, where she sat down and cried. I pulled on my clothes as fast as I could, and then went up to her to console her, but she could not speak intelhgibly. After attempting in vain to comfort her, she made me no answer, but stag- gered to my hammock, and, after several at- tempts, succeeded in getting into it I cannot say that I much liked that, but what could I do ? So I finished dressing myself, and went up on the quarter-deck. The midshipman who had the watch was the one who had cautioned me against the Trotters ; he was very friendly to me. " Well, Simple,'* said he, " what brings you on deck ?" I told him how ill Mr. Trotter had behaved to his wife^ and how she had turned into my hammock. " The cursed drunken old catamaran,'^ cried he : " I'll go and cut her down by the head :" but I requested he would not, as she was a lady. " A lady !" replied he; "yes, there's plenty of ladies of her description ;" and then he in- formed me that she had many years ago been the mistress of a man of fortune who kept a 64 PETER SIMPLE. carriage for her ; but that he grew tired of her, and had given Trotter £*200 to marry her, and that now they did nothing but get drunk to- gether and fight with each other. I was very much annoyed to hear all this ; but as 1 perceived that Mrs. Trotter was not sober, I began to think that what the midship- man said was true. " I hope," added he, " that she has not had time to wheedle you out of any of your clothes." I told him that I had given her a dozen pairs of stockings, and had paid Mr. Trotter three guineas for my mess. " This must be looked to," replied he; "I shall speak to the firs lieutenant to-morrov/. In the mean time, shall get your hammock for you. Quarter- master, keep a good look out." He then went below, and I followed him, to see what he would do. He went to my hammock and lowered it down at one end, so that Mrs. Trotter lay with her head on the deck in a very un- comfortable position. To my astonishment, she swore at him in a dreadful manner, but re- fused to turn out. He was abusing her and shaking her in the hammock, when Mr. Trotter, who had been roused at the noise, rushed from behind the screen. "You villain! what are PETER SIMPLE. '65 you doing with my wife ?" cried he, pummelling at him as well as he could, for he was so tipsy that he could hardly stand. I thought the midshipman able to take care of himself, and did not wish to interfere ; so I remained above, looking on— the sentry stand- ing by me with his lanthorn over the coombings of the hatchway to give hght to the midship- man, and to witness the fray. Mr. Trotter was soon knocked down, when all of a sudden Mrs. Trotter jumped up from the hammock, and caught the midshipman by the hair, and pulled at him. Then the sentr}- thought right to in- terfere ; he called out for the master-at-arms, and went down himself to help the midshipman, who was faring badly between the two. But Mrs. Trotter snatched the lanthorn out of his hand and smashed it all to pieces, and then we were all left in darkness, and I could not see what took place, although the scuffling con- tinued. Such was the posture of affairs when the master-at-arms came up with his hght. The midshipman and sentr}^ went up the ladder, and Mr. and Mrs. Trotter continued beating each other. To this, none of them paid any attention, sapng, as the sentry had said before, " Let them fight it out." 66 PETER SIMPLE. After they had fought some time, they re- tired behind the screen, and I followed the advice of the midshipman, and got into my hammock, which the master-at-arms hung up again for me. I heard Mr. and Mrs. Trotter both crying and kissing each other. " Cruel, cruel Mr. Trotter,"" said she, blubbering. " My life, my love, I was so jealous !" re- plied he. " D — n and blast your jealousy," replied the lady ; " I've two nice black eyes for the galley to-morrow."' After about an hour of kissing and scolding, they both fell asleep again. The next morning before breakfast, the mid- shipman reported to the first lieutenant the conduct of Mr. Trotter and his wife. I was sent for and obhged to acknowledge that it was all true. He sent for Mr. Trotter, who replied that he was not well, and could not come on deck. Upon which the first heutenant ordered the Serjeant of marines to bring him up directly. Mr. Trotter made his appearance, with one eye closed, and his face very much scratched. " Did not I desire you, sir,"" said the first lieutenant, " to introduce this young gentleman into the midshipman's berth ? instead of which you have introduced him to that disgraceful PETER SIMPLE. 67 wife of yours and have swindled him out of his property. I order you immediately to re- turn the three guineas which you received as mess-money, and also that your wife give back the stockings which she cajoled him out of." But then I interposed, and told the first lieutenant that the stockings had been a free gift on my part ; and that although I had been very foolish, yet that I considered that I could not in honour demand them back as^ain. " Well, youngster," replied the first Ueu- tenant, " perhaps your ideas are correct, and if you wish it, I ^sill not enforce that part of my order; but," continued he to Mr. Trotter, " I desire, sir, that your wife leave the ship immediately: and I trust that when I have reported your conduct to the captain, he will serve you in the same manner. In the mean time, you will consider yourself under an arrest for drunkenness." 68 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER VIL Scandalum magnatum clearly proved — I prove to the captain that I consider him a gentleman, although I had told him the contrary, and I prove to the midshipmen that I am a gentleman myself — They prove their gratitude by practising upon me, be- cause practice makes perfect. The captain came on board about twelve o'clock, and ordered the discharge of Mr. Trotter to be made out, as soon as the first lieutenant had reported what had occurred. He then sent for all the midshipmen on the quarter-deck. " Gentlemen," said the captain to them, with a stern countenance, " I feel very much indebted to some of you for the character which you have been pleased to give of me to Mr. Simple. I must now request that you will answer a few questions which I am about to put in his pre- sence. Did I ever flog the whole starboard PETER SIMPLE. 69 watch, because the ship would only sail nine knots on a bowline !" " No, sir, no !" replied they all, very much frightened. " Did I ever give a midshipman four dozen for not having his weekly accounts pipeclayed, or another five dozen for wearing a scarlet watch ribbon ?" "No, sir," replied they all together. " Did any midshipman ever die on his chest from fatigue ?" They again replied in the negative. " Then, gentlemen, you will oblige me by stating which of you thought proper to assert these falsehoods in a public coffee-room ; and further, which of you obliged this youngster to risk his life in a duel ?" They were all silent. " Will you answer me, gentlemen ?" " With respect to the duel, sir,"*' replied the midshipman who had fought me, " I heard say, that the pistols were only charged with powder. It was a joke." " Well, sir, we'll allow that the duel was only a joke, (and I hope and trust that your report is correct;) is the reputation of your captain only a joke, allow me to ask ? I request to know 70 PETER SIMPLE. who of you dared to propagate such injurious slander?" (Here there was a dead pause.) " Well then, gentlemen, since you will not confess yourselves, I must refer to my authority. Mr. Simple, have the goodness to point out the person or persons who gave you the informa- tion." But I thought this would not be fair ; and as they had all treated me very kindly after the duel, I resolved not to' tell ; so I answered, " If you please, sir, I consider that I told you all that in confidence.'' " Confidence, sir !" replied the captain ; "who ever heard of confidence between a post-captain and a midshipman ?" " No, sir," replied I, " not between a post- captain and a midshipman, but between two gentlemen.'' The first lieutenant, who stood by the captain, put his hand before his face to hide a laugh. " He may be a fool, sir," observed he to the captain, aside, " but I can assure you he is a very straight-forward one." The captain bit his lip, and then turning to the midshipmen, said, " You may thank Mr. Simple, gentlemen, that I do not press this matter further. I do believe that you were not PETER SIMPLE. 71 serious when you calumniated me ; but recollect that what is said in joke is too often repeated in earnest. I trust that Mr. Simple's conduct will have its effect, and that you wiU leave off prac- tising upon him, who has saved you from a very severe punishment." When the midshipmen went dov.n below they all shook hands with me, and said that I was a good fellow for not peaching: but, as for the advice of the captain that they should not practise upon me, as he termed it, they forgot that, for they commenced again immediately, and never left off until they found that I was not to be deceived any longer. 1 had not been ten minutes in the berth, before they began their remarks upon me. One said that I looked like a hardy fellow, and asked me whether I could not bear a great deal of sleep. I rephed that I could, I dare say, if it was necessary for the good of the service ; at which they laughed, and I supposed that I had said a good thing. " Why, here's Tomkins,'' said the midship- man ; " he'll show you how to perform that part of your duty. He inherits it from his 72 PETER SIMPLE. father, who was a marine officer. He can snore for fourteen hours on a stretch without once turning round in his hammock, and finish his nap on the chest during the whole of the day, except meal-times." But Tomkins defended himself, by saying, that "some people were very quick in doing things, and others were very slow ; that he wa^ one of the slow ones, and that he did not in reality obtain more refreshment from his long naps than other people did in short ones, because he slept much slower than they did." This ingenious argument was, however, over- ruled nem. con.^ as it was proved that he ate pudding faster than any one in the mess. The postman came on board with the letters, and put his head into the midshipman's berth. I was very anxious to have one from home, but I was disappointed. Some had letters and some had not. Those who had not, declared that their parents were very undutiful, and that they would cut them off with a shilling; and those who had letters, after they had read them, offered them for sale to the others, usually at half price. I could not imagine why they sold, or why the others bought them ; but they did do so; and one that was full of good advice was PETER SIMPLE. 73 sold' three times, from which circumstance I was inclined to form a better opinion of the morals of my companions. The lowest priced letters sold, were those ^^Titten by sisters. I was offered one for a penny, but I declined bming, as I had plenty of sisters of my own. Directly I made that obsersation they imme- diately inquired all their names and ages, and whether they were pretty or not. When I had informed them, they quarrelled to whom they should belong. One would have Lucy, and another took Mary ; but there was a great dis- pute about Ellen, as I had said that she was the prettiest of the whole. At last they agreed to put her up to auction, and she was knocked down to a master's mate of the name of O'Brien, who bid seventeen shillings and a bottle of rum. They requested that I would \sTite home to give their love to my sisters, and tell them how they had been disposed of, which I thought ver}' strange ; but I ought to have been flattered at the price bid for Ellen, as I repeatedly have since been witness to a ver^- pretty sister being sold for a glass of grog. I mentioned the reason why I was so anxious for a letter, viz. because I wanted to buy my dirk and cocked-hat; upon which they told me VOL. I. E 74 PETER SIMPLE. that there was no occasion for my spending my money, as, by the regulations of the service, the purser's steward served them out to all the offi- cers who applied for them. As I knew where the purser's steward's room was, having seen it when down in the cock-pit with the Trotters, I went down immediately. " Mr. Purser's Stew- ard," said I, " let me have a cocked-hat and a dirk immediately." " Very good, sir," replied he, and he wrote an order upon a slip of paper, which he handed to me. " There is the order for it, sir ; but the cocked-hats are kept in the chest up in the main-top ; and as for the dirk, you must apply to the butcher, who has them under his charge." I went up with the order, and thought I would first apply for the dirk ; so I inquired for the butcher, whom I found sitting in the sheep- pen with the sheep, mending his trowsers. In reply to my demand, he told me that he had not the key of the store-room, which was under the charge of one of the corporals of marines. I inquired who, and he said, " Cheeks,* the marine." I went everywhere about the ship, inquiring * This celebrated personage is the prototype of Mr. Nobody on board of a man-of-war. PETER SIMPLE. /5 for Cheeks the marine, but could not find him. Some said that they beheved he was in the fore- top, standing sentry over the wind, that it might not change ; others, that he was in the galley, to prevent the midshipmen from soaking their bis- cuit in the captain's dripping-pan. At last, I inquired of some of the women who were stand- ing between the guns on the main-deck, and one of them answered that it was no use looking for him among them, as they all had husbands, and Cheeks was a icidoic^s man.^' As I could not find the marine, I thought I might as well go for my cocked-hat, and get my dirk afterwards. I did not much hke going up the rigging, because I was afraid of turning giddy, and if I fell overboard I could not swim : but one of the midshipmen oifered to accompany me, stating that I need not be afraid, if I fell overboard, of sinking to the bottom, as, if I was giddy, my head, at all events, icould sicim ; so I determined to venture. I climbed up ver}' near to the main-top, but not \vithout missing the little ropes very often, and grazing the skin off my shins. Then I came to large « Widow's men are imaginary sailors borne on the books, and receiving pay and prize-money, which is appropriated to Greenwich Hospital. E 2 76 PETER SIMPLE. ropes stretched out from the mast, so that you must climb them with your head backwards. The midshipman told me these were called the cat-harpings, because they w^re so difficult to climb, that a cat would expostulate if ordered to go out by them. I was afraid to venture, and then he proposed that I should go through lubber's hole, which he said had been made for people like me. I agreed to attempt it, as it appeared more easy, and at last arrived, quite out of breath, and very happy to find myself in the main-top. The captain of the main-top was there v/ith two other sailors. The midshipman introduced me very politely : — " Mr. Jenkins — Mr. Simple, midshipman, — Mr. Simple, Mr. Jenkins, captain of the main-top. Mr. Jenkins, Mr. Simple has come up with an order for a cocked-hat." The captain of the top replied that he was very sorry that he had not one in store, but the last had been served out to the captain's monkey. This was very provoking. The captain of the top then asked me if I was ready with my footing. I replied, " Not very, for I had lost it two or three times when coming up." He laughed and rephed, that I should lose it altogether before PETER SIMPLE. 77 I W8at down ; and that I must hand it out. '• Handout my footing T said I, puzzled, and appealing to the midshipman, " what does he mean?" " He means that you must fork out a seven-shilUng bit." I was just as wise as ever, and stared very much ; when Mr. Jenkins desired the other men to get half-a-dozen foxes and make a spread eagle of me, unless he had his parkisite. I never should have found out what it all meant, had not the midshipman, who laughed till he cried, at last informed me that it was the custom to give the men some- thins: to drink the first time that I came aloft, and that if I did not, they would tie me up to the rigging. Having no money in my pocket, I promised to pay them as soon as I went below ; but Mr. Jenkins would not trust me. I then became very angry, and inquired of him " if he doubted ray honour." He replied, " Not in the least, but that he must have the seven shillings before I went below." " Why, sir,'' said I, " do you kno.v whom you are speaking to? I am an officer and a gentleman. Do you know who my grandfather is ?" " O yes," repUed he, " very welL" 78 PETER SIMPLE. " Then, who is he, sir ?" replied I, very angrily. " Who is he ! why he's the Lord knows who'' " No," replied I, " that's not his name ; he is Lord Privilege." (I was very much surprised that he knew that my grandfather was a lord.) " And do you suppose," continued I, " that I would forfeit the honour of my family for a paltry seven shilUngs ?" This observation of mine, and a promise on the part of the midshipman, who said he would be bail for me, satisfied Mr. Jenkins, and he allowed me to go down the rigging. I went to my chest, and paid the seven shillings to one of the top-men who followed me, and then went up on the main-deck, to learn as much as I could of my profession. I asked a great many ques- tions of the midshipmen relative to the guns, and they crowded round me to answer them. One told me they were called the frigate's teeth^ because they stopped the Frenchman's jaw. Another midshipman said that he had been so often in action that he was called the Fire- eater. I asked him how it was that he escaped being killed. He replied that he always made it a rule, upon the first cannon-ball coming PETER SIMPLE. 79 through the ship's side, to put his head into the hole which it had made ; as, by a calculation made by Professor Innman, the odds were 32,647 and some decimals to boot, that another ball would not come in at the same hole. That's what I never should have thought of. 80 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER VIII. My messmates show me the folly of running m debt — Duty carried on politely — I become acquainted with some gentlemen of the Home Department — The Episode of Sholto M'Foy. Now that I have been on board about a month, I find that my Ufe is not disagreeable. I don't smell the pitch and tar, and I can get into my hammock without tumbling out on the other side. My messmates are good-tempered, although they laugh at me very much ; but I must say that they are not very nice in their ideas of honour. They appear to consider that to take you in is a capital joke : and that because they laugh at the time that they are cheating you, it then becomes no cheating at all. Now I cannot think other- wise than that cheating is cheating, and that PETER SIMPLE. 81 a person is not a bit more honest, because he laughs at you in the bargain. A few days after I came on board, I purchased some tarts of the bumboat woman, as she is called ; I ^^'ished to pay for them, but she had no change, and very ci\'illy told me she would trust me. She pro- duced a narrow book, and said that she would open an account with me, and I could pay her when I thought proper. To this arrangement I had no objection, and I sent up for different things until I thought that my account must have amounted to eleven or twelve shilhngs. As I promised my father that I never would run in debt, I considered that it was then time that it should be settled. When I asked for it, what was my surprise to find that it amounted to 2/. I4s. 6d. I declared that it was impos- sible, and requested that she would allow me to look at the items, when I found that I was booked for at least three or four dozen tarts every day, ordered by the young gentlem.en " to be put down to Mr. Simple's account." I was ver\' much shocked, not only at the sum of money which I had to pay, but also at the want of honesty on the part of my messmates ; but when I complained of it in the berth, they all laughed at me. E 5 S2 PETER SIMPLE. At last one of them said, "Peter, tell the truth ; did not your father caution you not to run in debt?" " Yes, he did," rephed I. " I know that very well," replied he : " all fathers do the same when their sons leave them ; it's a matter of course. Now observe, Peter; it is out of regard to you, that your messmates have been eating tarts at your expense. You disobeyed your father's injunctions before you had been a month from home ; and it is to give you a lesson that may be useful in after-life, that they have considered it their duty to order the tarts. I trust that it will not be thrown away upon you. Go to the woman, pay your bill, and never run up another." " That I certainly shall not,'' replied I ; but as I could not prove who ordered the tarts, and did not think it fair that the woman should lose her money, I went up and paid the bill, with a determination never to open an account with any body again. But this left my pockets quite empty, so I wrote to my father, stating the whole transac- tion, and the consequent state of my finances. My father, in his answer, observed that what- ever might have been their motives, my mess- PETER SIMPLE. «3 mates had done me a friendly act; and that as I had lost my money by my own carelessness, I must not expect that he would allow me any more pocket-money. But my mother, who added a postscript to his letter, shpped in a five-pound note, and I do believe that it was wdth mj father's sanction, although he pre- tended to be very angry at my forgetting his injunctions- This timely relief made me quite comfortable again. What a pleasure it is to re- ceive a letter from one's friends when far away, especially when there's some money in it ! A few days before this, Mr. Falcon, the first lieutenant, ordered me to put on my side-arms to go away on duty. I replied that I had neither dirk nor cocked hat, although I had applied for them. He laughed at my story, and sent me on shore with the master, who bought them, and the first lieutenant sent up the bill to my father, who paid it, and wrote to thank him for his trouble. That morning, the first lieutenant said to me, "Now, Mr. Simple, we'll take the shine ofi" that cocked hat and dirk of yours. You will go in the boat with Mr. O' Brien, and take care that none of the men slip away from it, and get drunk at the tap.'' $4 PETER SIMPLE. This was the first time that 1 had ever been sent away on duty, and I was very proud of being an officer in charge. I put on my full uniform, and was ready at the gangway a quarter of an hour before the men were piped away. We were ordered to the dock-yard to draw sea-stores. When we arrived there, I was quite astonished at the piles of timber, the ranges of storehouses, and the immense anchors which lay on the wharf. There was such a bustle, everybody appeared to be so busy, that I wanted to look every way at once. " Close to where the boat landed, they were hauUng a large frigate out of what they called the basin ; and I was so interested with the sight, that I am sorry to say, I quite forgot all about the boat's crew, and my orders to look after them. What surprised me most was, that although the men employed appeared to be sailors, their language was very different from what I bad been lately accustomed to on board of the frigate. Instead of damning and swearing, everybody was so polite. " Obhge me with a pull of the starboard bow hawser, Mr. Jones." — "Ease off the larboard hawser, Mr. Jenkins, if you please."" — " Side her over, gentlemen, side her over." — "My compliments to Mr. Tompkins, PETER SIMPLE, 85 and request that he will cast off the quarter check." — " Side her over, gentlemen, side her over, if you please." — " In the boat there, pull to Mr. Simmons, and beg he'll do me the favour to check her as she swings. What's the matter, Mr. Johnson ?" *' Vy, there's one of them ere midshipmites has thro^vn a red hot tater out of the stern-port, and hit our officer in the eye." — " Report him to the commissioner, Mr. Wiggins; and oblige me by under -run- ning the guess warp. Tell Mr. Simpkins, with ray compUments, to coil away upon the jetty. Side her over, side her over, gentlemen, if you please." I asked of a bystander who these people were, and he told me that they were dock-yard mateys. I certainly thought that it appeared to be quite as easy to say, "If you please," as "D — n your eyes," and that it sounded much more agreeable. During the time that I was looking at the frigate being hauled out, two of the men be- longing to the boat slipped away, and on my return they were not to be seen. I was very much frightened, for I knew that I had neg- lected my duty, and that on the first occasion on which I had been entrusted v,iih a respon- 86 PETER SIMPLE. sible service. What to do I did not know. I ran up and down every part of the dock-yard until I was quite out of breath, asking every- body I met whether they had seen my two men. Many of them said that they had seen plenty of men, but did not exactly know mine ; some laughed, and called me a greenhorn. At last I met a midshipman, who told me that he had seen two men answering to my description on the roof of the coach starting for London, and that I must be quick if I wished to catch them; but he would not stop to answer any more questions. I continued walking about the yard until I met twenty or thirty men with grey jackets and breeches, to whom I applied for information: they told me that they had seen two sailors skulking behind the piles of timber. They crowded round me, and ap- peared very anxious to assist me, when they were summoned away to carry down a cable. I observed that they all had numbers on their jackets, and either one or two bright iron rings on their legs. I could not help inquiring, although I was in such a hurry, why the rings were worn. One of them replied, that they were orders of merit, given to them for their good behaviour. PETER SIMPLE. 87 I was proceeding on yen' disconsolately, when, as I turned a corner, to my great delight, I met my two men, who touched their hats and said that they had been looking for me. I did not beheye that they told the truth, bat I was so glad to recoyer them that I did not scold, but went with them down to the boat, w^hich had been waitins^ some time for us. O'Brien, the master's mate, called me a young sculping, a word I neyer heard before. ^Mien we arriyed on board, the first lieutenant asked O'Brien why he had remained so long. He an- swered that two of the men had left the boat, but that I had found them. The first Heutenant appeared to be pleased with me, obserying, as he had said before, that I was no fool, and I went down below oyerjoyed at my good for- tune, and yery much obliged to O'Brien for not telHng the whole truth. After I had taken off my dirk and cocked hat, I felt for my pocket- handkerchief, and found that it was not in my pocket, having in all probability been taken out by the men in grey jackets, whom, in conyersa- tion with my messmates, I discovered to be convicts condemned to hard labour for stealing and picking pockets. A day or two afterwards, we had a new mess- 88 PETER SIMPLE. mate of the name of M'Foy. I was on the quarter-deck when he came on board and pre- sented a letter to the captain, inquiring first if his name was " Captain Sauvage."' He was a florid young man, nearly six feet high, with sandy hair, yet very good-looking. As his career in the service was very short, I will tell at once, what I did not find out till some time afterwards. The captain had agreed to receive him to oblige a brother officer, who had re- tired from the service, and lived in the High- lands of Scotland. The first notice which the captain had of the arrival of Mr. M'Foy, was from a letter written to him by the young man's uncle. This amused him so much, that he gave it to the first lieutenant to read ; it ran as follows ; — '^ Glasgow, April 25, 1 . " Sir; " Our much esteemed and mutual friend. Captain M ^Alpine, having communicated by letter, dated the 14th inst., your kind intentions relative to my nephew, Sholto M'Foy, (for which you will be pleased to accept my best thanks,) I write to acquaint you that he is now on his way to join your ship, the Diomede, and will PETER SIMPLE. bSl arrive, God willing, twenty-six hours after the receipt of this letter. "As I have been given to understand by those who have some acquaintance with the service of the king, that his equipment as an officer will be somewhat expensive, I have con- sidered it but fair to ease your mind as to any responsibihty on that score, and have therefore enclosed the half of a Bank of England note for ten pounds sterling. No. 3742, the other half of which will be duly forwarded in a frank promised to me the day after to-morrow. I beg you will make the necessary purchases, and apply the balance, should there be any, to his mess account, or any other expenses which you may consider warrantable or justi- fiable. " It is at the same time proper to inform you that Sholto had ten shillings in his pocket at the time of his leaving Glasgow; the satis- factoiy expenditure of which I have no doubt you will inquire into, as it is a large sum to be placed at the discretion of a youth only four- teen years and five months old. I mention his age, as Sholto is so tall that you might be de- ceived by his appearance, and be induced to trust to his prudence in afikirs of this serious 90 PETER SIMPLE. nature. Should he at any time require further assistance beyond his pay, which I am told is extremely handsome to all king's officers, I beg you to consider that any draft of yours, at ten days' sight, to the amount of five pounds ster- ling English, will be duly honoured by the firm of Monteith, M'Killop, and Company, of Glasgow. Sir, with many thanks for your kind- ness and consideration, " I remain, your most obedient, "Walter Monteith." The letter brought on board by M'Foy was to prove his identity. While the captain read it, M*Foy stared about him Uke a wild stag. The captain welcomed him to the ship, asked him one or two questions, introduced him to the first lieutenant, and then went on shore. The first lieutenant had asked me to dine in the gun-room ; I supposed that he was pleased with me because I had found the men; and when the captain pulled on shore, he also in- vited Mr. M'Foy, when the following conver- sation took place. " Well, Mr. M'Foy, you have had a long journey ; I presume it is the first that you have ever made." PETER SIMPLE. 91 " Indeed it is, sir/' replied M'Foy ; " and sorely I've been pestered. Had I minded all they whispered in my lug as I came along, I had need been made of money — sax-pence here, sax-pence there, sax-pence everywhere. Sich extortion I ne'er dreamt of."" " How did you come from Glasgow ?' " By the wheel-boat, or steam-boat, as they ca'd it, to Lunnon : where they charged me sax-pence for taking my baggage on shore — a wee boxy nae bigger than yon cocked-up hat. I would fain carry it myseP, but they wudna let me." " Well, where did you go to when you ar- rived in London ?" " I went to a place ca'd Chichester Rents, to the house of Storm and Mainwaring, Ware- housemen, and they must have another sax- pence for showing me the way. There I waited half-an-hour in the counting-house, till they took me to a place ca'd Bull and Mouth, and put me into a coach, paying my whole fare : nevertheless, they must din me for money the whole of the way down. There was first the guard, and then the coachman, and another guard, and another coachman; but I wudna listen to them, and so they growled and abused me." 92 PETER SIxMPLE. " And when did you arrive ?" *' I came here last night ; and I only had a bed and a breakfast at the twa Blue Pillars house, for which they extortioned me three shil- lings and sax-pence, as I sit here. And then there was the chambermaid hussy and waiter loon axed me to remember them, and wanted more siller ; but I told them as I told the guard and coachman, that I had none for them/' " How much of your ten shillings have you left ?" inquired the first lieutenant, smiling. " Hoot ; sir lieutenant, how came you for to ken that ? Eh ! it's my uncle Monteith at Glasgow. Why, as I sit here, I've but three shillings and a penny of it left. But there's a smell here that's no canny; so TU just go up again into the fresh air." When Mr. M'Foy quitted the gun-room they all laughed very much. After he had been a short time on deck, he went down into the midshipmen's berth: but he made himself very unpleasant, quarrelling and wrangling with everybody. It did not, however, last very long : for he would not obey any orders that were given to him. On the third day, he quitted the ship without asking the permission of the first lieutenant ; when he returned on PETER SIMPLE. 93 board the following day, the first lieutenant put him under an arrest, and in charge of the sentry at the cabin door. During the afternoon I was under ihe half-deck, and perceived that he was sharpening a long clasp knife upon the after truck of the gun. I went up to him and asked him why he was doing so, and he replied, as his eyes flashed fire, that it was to revenge the insult offered to the bluid of M'Foy. His look told me that he was in earnest. " But what do you mean ?" inquired I. " I mean," said he, drawing the edge and feeling the point of his weapon, " to put it into the weam of that man with the gold podge on his shoulder, who has dared to place me here." I was very much alarmed, and thought it my duty to state his murderous intentions, or worse might happen ; so I walked up on deck and told the first lieutenant what M'Foy was intending to do, and how his life was in danger. Mr. Falcon laughed, and shortly afterwards went dow^n on the main-deck. M'Foy's eyes glistened, and he walked forward to where the first heutenant was standing; but the sentry, who had been cautioned by me, kept him back with his bayonet. The first lieutenant turned round, and perceiving what was going on, 94 PETER SIMPLE. desired the sentry to see if Mr. M'Foy had a knife in his hands ; and he had it sure enough, open, and held behind his back. He was disarmed, and the first lieutenant, perceiving that the lad meant mischief, reported his con- duct to the captain, on his arrival on board. The captain sent for M'Foy, who was very obstinate, and when taxed with his intention would not deny it, or even say that he would not again attempt it ; so he was sent on shore immediately, and returned to his friends in the Highlands. We never saw any more of him : but I heard that he obtained a commission in the army, and three months after he had joined his regiment, was killed in a duel, resenting some fancied affront offered to the bluid of M'Fov. PETER SIMPLE. 95 CHAPTER IX. We post up to Portsdown Fair— Consequence of dis- turbing a lady at supper — Natural affection of the Pelican, proved at my expense — Spontaneous com- bustion at Ranelagh Gardens — Pastry versus Piety —Many are bid to the feast ; but not the halt, the lame, or the blind. A FEW days after ^I'Foy quitted the ship, we all had leave from the first lieutenant to go to Portsdo^^Ti fair, but he would only allow the oldsters to sleep on shore. We anticipated so much pleasure from our excursion, that some of us were up early enough to go away in the boat sent for fresh beef. This was very foohsh. There were no carriages to take us to the fair, nor indeed any fair so early in the morning ; the shops were all shut, and the Blue Posts, where we always rendezvoused, was hardly opened. We waited there in the coffee- room, until we were driven out by the maid 96^ PETER SIMPLE. sweeping away the dirt, and were forced to walk about until she had finished, and lighted the fire, when we ordered our breakfast ; but how much better would it have been to have taken our breakfast comfortably on board, and then to have come on shore, especially as we had no money to spare. Next to being too late, being too soon is the worst plan in the world. However, we had our breakfast, and paid the bill; then we sallied forth, and went up George Street where we found all sorts of vehicles ready to take us to the fair. We got into one which they called a dilly. I asked the man who drove it why it was so called, and he replied, because he only charged a shilling. O'Brien, who had joined us after breakfasting on board, said, that this answer reminded him of one given to him by a man who attended the hackney coach stands in London. " Pray," said he, " why are you called Waterman ?" " Waterman," replied the man, " vy, sir, 'cause we opens the hackney-coach doors." At last, with plenty of whipping, and plenty of swear- ing, and a great deal of laughing, the eld horse, whose back curved upwards like a hew, from the diflBculty of dragging so many, ar- rived at the bottom of Portsdown Hill, where PETER SIMPLE. 97 we got out, and walked up to the fair. It really was a most beautiful sight. The bright blue sky, and the coloured flags flapping about in all directions, the grass so green, and the white tents and booths, the sun shining so bright, and the shining gilt gingerbread, the variety of toys and the variety of noise, the quantity of people and the quantity of sweet- meats ; little boys so happy, and shop-people so polite, the music at the booths, and the bustle and eagerness of the people outside, made my heart quite jump. There was Richardson, \^ith a clown and harlequin, and such beautiful women, dressed in clothes all over gold spangles, dancing reels and waltzes, aBd looking so happy ! There was FHnt and Gyngell, with fellows tumbling over head and heels, playing such tricks — eating fire, and drawing yards of tape out of their mouths. Then there was the Royal Circus, all the horses standing in a line, with men and women standing on their backs, waving flags, while the trumpeters blew their trumpets. And the largest giant in the world, and Mr. Paap, the smallest dwarf in the world, and a female dwarf, who was smaller still, and Miss Biffin, who did everything without legs or arms. VOL. I. F 98 PETER SIMPLE. There was also the learned pig, and the Herefordshire ox, and a hundred other sights which I cannot now remember. We walked about for an hour or two seeing the outside of everything : we determined to go and see the inside. First we went into Richardson's, w^here we saw a bloody tragedy, with a ghost and thunder, and afterwards a pantomime, full of tricks, and tumbling over one another. Then we saw one or two other things, I forget what, but this I know, that, generally speaking, the outside was better than the inside. After this, feeling very hungry, we agreed to go into a booth and have something to eat. The tables were ranged all round, and, in the centre, there was a boarded platform for dancing. The ladies were there all ready dressed for partners; and the music was so lively, that I felt very much inclined to dance, but we had agreed to go and see the wild beasts fed at Mr. Polito's menagerie, and as it was now almost eight o'clock, we paid our bill and set off. It was a very curious sight, and better worth seeing than any thing in the fair ; I never had an idea that there were so many strange animals in existence. They were all secured in iron cages, and a large chandeher with PETER SIMPLE. 99 twenty lights, hung in the centre of the booth, and lighted them up, while the keeper went round and stirred them up with his long pole ; at the same time he gave us their histories, which were very interesting. I recollect a few of them. There was the tapir, a great pig with a long nose, a variety of the hiptostamass, which the keeper said was an amphibilious animal, as couldn't live on land, and dies in the water — however, it seemed to live very well in a cage. Then there was the kangaroo with its young ones peeping out of it — a most astonishing animaL The keeper said that it brought forth two young ones at a birth, and then took them into its stomach again, until they arrived at years of discretion. Then there was the pelican of the wilderness, (I shall not forget him,) with a large bag under his throat, which the man put on his head as a night-cap ; this bird feeds its young with its own blood — when fish are scarce. And there was the laughing hyaena, who cries in the wood Uke a human being in distress, and devours those who come to his assistance — a sad instance of the depravity of human nature, as the keeper observed. There was a beautiful creature, the royal Bengal tiger, only three years old, what growed ten inches every year, f2 100 PETER SIMPLE. and never arrived at its full growth. The one we saw, measured, as the keeper told us, six- teen feet from the snout to the tail, and seven- teen from the tail to the snout : but there must have been some mistake there. There was a young elephant and three lions, and several other animals which I forget now, so I shall go on to describe the tragical scene which occur- red. The keeper had poked up all the animals, and had commenced feeding them. The great lion was growling and snarling over the shin- bone of an ox, cracking it like a nut, when, by some mismanagement, one end of the pole upon which the chandelier was suspended fell down, striking the door of the cage in which the lioness was at supper, and bursting it open. It was all done in a second; the chandelier fell, the cage opened, and the lioness sprang out. I remember to this moment seeing the body of the lioness in the air, and then all was dark as pitch. What a change ! not a moment before all of us staring with delight and curio- sity, and then to be left in darkness, horror, and dismay ! There was such screaming and shriek- ing, such crying and fighting, and pushing, and fainting — nobody knew where to go, or how to find their way out. The people crowded first PETER SIMPLE. 101 on one side, and then on the other, as their fears instigated them. I was very soon jammed up uith my back against the bars of one of the cages, and feeling some beast lay hold of me behind, made a desperate effort, and succeeded in climbing up to the cage above, not, however, without losing the seat of my trowsers, which the laughing hyaena would not let go. I hardly knew where I was when I cUmbed up; but I knew the birds were mostly stationed above. How- ever, that I might not have the front of my trowsers torn as well as the behind, as soon as I gained my footing I turned round, with my back to the bars of the cage, but I had not been there a minute, before I was attacked by some- thing which digged into me like a pickaxe, and as the hygena had torn my clothes, I had no de- fence against it. To turn round would have been worse still ; so, after having received above a dozen stabs, I contrived by degrees to shift my position until I was opposite to another cage, but not until the pelican, for it was that brute, had drawn as much blood from me as would have fed his young for a week. I was surmising what danger I should next en- counter, when to my joy I discovered that I had gained the open door from which the lioness 102 PETER SIMPLE. had escaped. I crawled in, and pulled the door to after me, thinking myseK very fortunate; and there I sat very quietly in a corner during the remainder of the noise and confusion. I had been there but a few minutes, when the beef-eaters, as they were called, who played the music outside, came in with torches and loaded muskets. The sight which presented itseK was truly shocking; twenty or thirty men, women, and children, lay on the ground, and I thought at first the lioness had killed them all, but they were only in fits, or had been trampled down by the crowd. No one was se- riously hurt. As for the lioness, she was not to be found : and, as soon as it was ascertained that she had escaped, there was as much terror and scampering away outside, as there had been in the menagerie. It appeared afterwards, that the animal had been as much frightened as we had been, and had secreted herseK under one of the waggons. It was some time before she could be found. At last O'Brien, who was a very brave fellow, went a-head of the beef-eaters, and saw her eyes glaring. They borrowed a net or two from the carts which had brought calves to the fair, and threw them over her. When she was fairly entangled, they dragged PETER SIMPLE. 103 her by the tail into the menagerie. All this while I had remained vei^' quietly in the den, but when I perceived that its lawful owner had come back to retake possession, I thought it was time to come out ; so I called to my messmates, who, with O'Brien, were assisting the beef-eaters. They had not discovered me, and laughed very much when they saw where I was. One of the midshipmen shot the bolt of the door, so that I could not jump out, and then stirred me up with a long pole. At last I contrived to unbolt it again, and got out, when they laughed still more, at the seat of my trowsers being torn off. It was not exactly a laughing matter to me, al- though I had to congratulate myself upon a very lucky escape • and so did my messmates think, when I narrated my adventures. The pelican was the worst part of the business. O'Brien lent me a dark silk handkerchief, which I tied round my waist, and let drop behind, so that my misfortunes might not attract any notice, and then we quitted the menagerie ; but I was so stiff that I could scarcely walk. We then went to what they called the Rane- lagh Gardens to see the fireworks, which were to be let off at ten o'clock. It was exactly ten when we paid for our admission, and we waited 104 PETER SIMPLE. very patiently for a quarter of an hour, but there were no signs of the fireworks being dis- played. The fact was, that the man to whom the gardens belonged, waited until more company should arrive, although the place was already very full of people. Now the first lieutenant had ordered the boat to wait for us until twelve o'clock, and then return on board ; and as we were seven miles from Portsmouth, we had not much time to spare. We waited another quarter of an hour, and then it was agreed that as the fireworks were stated in the handbill to commence precisely at ten o''clock, we were fully justified in letting them oif ourselves. O'Brien went out, and returned with a dozen penny rattans, which he notched in the end. The fireworks were on the posts and stages, all ready, and it was agreed that we should light them all at once, and then mix with the crowd. The oldsters lighted cigars, and fixing them in the notched end of the canes, continued to puff them until they were all well lighted. They handed one to each of us, and at a signal we all applied them to the match papers, and as soon as the fire communicated, we threw down our canes and ran in among the crowd. In about half a minute, off they all went in the most beautiful PETER SIMPLE. 105 confusion ; there were silver stars and golden stars, blue lights and Catherine-wheels, mines and bombs, Grecian-fires and Roman-candles, Chinese trees, rockets, and illuminated mottoes, all firing away, cracking, popping, and fizzing, at the same time. It was unanimously agreed that it was a great improvement upon the intended show. The man to whom the gardens belonged ran out of a booth where he had been drinking beer at his ease, while his com- pany were waiting, swearing vengeance against the perpetrators ; indeed, the next day he offered fifty pounds reward for the discovery of the offenders. But I think that he was treated very properly. He was, in his situation, a servant of the public, and he had behaved as if he was their master. We all escaped very cleverly, and taking another dilly, arrived at Portsmouth, and were down to the boat in good time. The next day I was so stiff, and in such pain, that I was obliged to go to the doctor, who put me on the list, where I remained a week before I could return to my duty. So much for Portsdown fair. It was on a Saturday that I returned to my duty, and Sunday being a fine day, we all went on shore to church with Mr. Falcon, the first f5 106 PETER SIMPLE. lieutenant. We liked going to church very much ; not, I am sorry to say, from rehgious feelings, but for the following reason ; — the first lieutenant sat in a pew below, and we were placed in the gallery above, where he could not see us, nor indeed could we see him. We all remained very quiet, and I may say very devout, during the time of the service, but the clergy- man who dehvered the sermon was so tedious, and had such a bad voice, that we generally slipped out as soon as he went up into the pulpit, and adjourned to a pastry-cook's oppo- site, to eat cakes and tarts and drink cherry- brandy, which we infinitely preferred to hearing a sermon. Somehow or other, the first lieute- nant had scent of our proceedings : we believed that the marine officer informed against us, and this Sunday he served us a pretty trick. We had been at the pastry-cook's as usual, and as soon as we perceived the people coming out of church, we put all our tarts and sweetmeats into our hats, which we then slipped on our heads, and took our station at the church-door, as if we had just come down from the gallery, and had been waiting for him. Instead, however, of appearing at the church-door, he walked up the street, and desired us to follow him to the boat. PETER SIMPLE. 107 The fact was, he had been in the back-room at the pastry-cook's watching our motions through the green bhnds. We had no suspicion, but thought that he had come out of church a httle sooner than usual. "VMien we arrived on board and followed him up the side, he said to us as we came on deck, — " Walk aft, young gentlemen." We did; and he desired us to "toe a line," which means to stand in a row. " Now, ■Mr. Dixon," said he, " what was the text to-day?"' As he very often asked us that question, we always left one in the church until the text was given out, who brought it to us in the pastry- cook's shop, when we all marked it in our bibles to be ready if he asked us. Dixon immediately pulled out his bible where he had marked down the leaf, and read it. " O ! that was it," said Mr. Falcon; "you must have remarkably good ears, Mr. Dixon, to have heard the clergj^man from the pastry-cook's shop. Now, gentlemen, hats ofiP, if you please." We all shded off our hats, which, as he expected, were full of pastr\'. " Really, gentlemen," said he, feeUng the diffe- rent papers of pastry and sweetmeats, " I am quite delighted to perceive that you have not been to church for nothing. Few come away with so many good things pressed upon their 108 PETER SIMPLE. seat of memory. Master-at-arms, send all the ship's boys aft." The boys all came tumbling up the ladders, and the first lieutenant desired each of them to take a seat upon the carronade slides. When they were all stationed, he ordered us to go round with our hats and request of each his acceptance of a tart, which we were obliged to do, handing first to one and then to another, until the hats were all empty. What annoyed me more than all, was the grinning of the boys at their being served by us like footmen, as well as the ridi- cule and laughter of the whole ship's company, who had assembled at the gangways. When all the pastry was devoured, the first lieutenant said, " There, gentlemen, now that you have had your lesson for the day, you may go below." We could not help laughing our- selves when we went down into the berth ; Mr. Falcon always punished so good-humouredly, and, in some way or other, his punishments were severally connected with the description of the offence. He always had a remedy for everything that he disapproved of, and the ship's company used to call him " Remedy Jack." I ought to observe, that some of my messmates were very severe upon the ship's boys after that circum- PETER SIMPLE. 109 Stance, always giving them a kick or a cuiF on the head whenever they could, telling them at the same time, " There's another tart for you, you whelp." I beheve, if the boys had known what was in reserve for them, they would much rather have left the pastry alone. 110 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER X. A pressgang beaten off by one woman— Dangers at Spit-head and Point— K treat for both parties, of pulled chicken, at my expense — Also gin for twenty — I am made a prisoner: escape and rejoin my ship. I MUST now relate what occurred to me a few days before the ship sailed, which will prove that it is not necessary to encounter the winds and waves, or the cannon of the enemy, to be in danger, when you have entered his majesty's service : on the contrary, I have been in action since, and I declare, without hesitation, that I did not feel so much alarm on that occasion, as I did on the one of which I am about to give the history. We were re- ported ready for sea, and the Admiralty was anxious that we should proceed. The only obstacle to our sailing was, that we had not yet completed our complement of men. The captain PETER SIMPLE. Ill applied to the port admiral, and obtained per- mission to send parties on shore to impress seamen. The second and third lieutenants, and the oldest midshipmen, were despatched on shore every night, with some of the most trust- worthy men, and generally brought on board in the morning about half a dozen men, whom they had picked up in the different ale«houses or grog-shops, as the sailors call them. Some of them were retained, but most of them sent on shore as unser\'iceable ; for it is the custom, when a man either enters, or is impressed, to send him down to the surgeon in the cockpit, where he is stripped and examined all over, to see if he be sound and fit for his majesty's sendee ; and if not, he is sent on shore again. Impressing appeared to be rather serious work, as far as I could judge from the accounts which I heard, and from the way in which our sailors, who were employed on the ser\dce, were occa- sionally beaten and wounded ; the seamen who were impressed appearing to fight as hard not to be forced into the service as they did for the honour of the country, after they were fairlv embarked in it. I had a great wish to be one of the party before the ship sailed, and asked O'Brien, who was very kind to me in general, 112 PETER SIMPLE. and allowed nobody to thrash me but himself, if he would take me with him, which he did on the night after I had made the request. I put on my dirk, that they might know I was an officer, as well as for my protection. About dusk we rowed on shore, and landed on the Gosport side : the men were all armed with cutlasses, and wore pea jackets, which are very short great coats made of what they call Flushing. We did not stop to look at any of the grog-shops in the town, as it was too early, but walked out about three miles in the suburbs, and went to a house, the door of which was locked, but we forced it open in a minute, and hastened to enter the passage, where we found the landlady standing to defend the entrance. The passage was long and narrow, and she was a very tall corpulent woman, so that her body nearly filled it up, and in her hands she held a long spit pointed at us, with which she kept us at bay. The officers, who were the foremost, did not like to attack a woman, and she made such drives at them with her spit, that had they not retreated, some of them would soon have been ready for roasting. The sailors laughed and stood out- side, leaving the officers to settle the business how they could. At last, the landlady called PETER SI-MPLE. 113 out to her husband, " Be they all out, Jem ?" " Yes," replied the husband, " they be all safe gone." " Well, then," repHed she, " I'll soon have all these gone too :" and with these words she made such a rush forward upon us with her spit, that had we not fallen back, and tumbled one over another, she certainly would have run it through the second lieutenant, who com- manded the party. The passage was cleared in an instant, and as soon as we were all in the street she bolted us out ; so there we were, three officers and fifteen armed men, fairly beat off by a fat old woman ; the sailors who had been drinking in the house having made their escape to some other place. But I do not well see how it could be otherwise ; either we must have killed or wounded the woman, or she would have run us through, she was so reso- lute. Had her husband been in the passage, he would have been settled in a very short time : but what can you do with a woman who fights hke a devil, and yet claims all the rights and immunities of the softer sex ? We all walked away, looking very foohsh, and O'Brien ob- served that the next time he called at that house he would weather the old cat, for he would take her ladyship in the rear. 114 PETER SIMPLE. We then called at other houses, where we picked up one or two men, but most of them escaped by getting out at the windows or the back doors, as we entered the front. Now there was a grog-shop which was a very favourite rendezvous of the seamen belonging to the merchant vessels, and to which they were ac- customed to retreat when they heard that the pressgangs were out. Our officers were aware of this, and were therefore indifferent as to the escape of the men, as they knew that they would all go to that place, and confide in their numbers for beating us off. As it was then one o'clock, they thought it time to go there ; we proceeded without any noise, but they had people on the look-out, and as soon as we turned the comer of the lane the alarm was given. I was afraid that they would all run away, and we should lose them ; but, on the contrary, they mustered very strong on that night, and had resolved to " give fight." The men remained in the house, but an advanced guard of about thirty of their wives saluted us with a shower of stones and mud. Some of our sailors were hurt, but they did not appear to mind what the women did. They rushed on, and then they were attacked by the PETER SIMPLE. 115 women with their fists and nails. Notwith- standing this, the sailors only laughed, pushing the women on one side, and saying, " Be quiet, PoU;"— "Don't be foolish, Molly;"— "Out of the way, Sukey : we a'n't come to take away your fancy man ;" with expressions of that sort, although the blood trickled down many of their faces, from the way in which they had been clawed. Thus we attempted to force our way through them, but I had a very narrow escape even in this instance. A woman seized me by the arm, and pulled me towards her ; had it not been for one of the quarter-masters I should have been separated from my party . but, just as they dragged me away, he caught hold of me by the leg, and stopped them. " Clap on here. Peg," cried the woman to an- other, " and let's have this httle midshipmite ; I wants a baby to dry-nurse." Two more women came to her assistance, catching hold of my other arm, and they would have dragged me out of the grasp of the quarter-master, had he not called out for more help on his side, upon which two of the seamen laid hold of my other leg, and there was such a tussle, (all at my expense, ) such puUing and hauhng : some- times the women gained an inch or two of me, 116 PETER SIMPLE. then the sailors got it back again. At one moment I thought it was all over with me, and in the next I was with my own men. " Pull devil ; pull baker !"" cried the women, and then they laughed, although I did not, I can assure you, for I really think that I w^as pulled out an inch taller, and my knees and shoulders pained me very much indeed. At last the women laughed so much that they could not hold on, so I w^as dragged into the middle of our own sailors, where I took care to remain ; and, after a httle more squeezing and fighting, was carried by the crowd into the house. The seamen of the merchant ships had armed themselves with bludgeons and other weapons, and had taken a position on the tables. They were more than two to one against us, and there was a dread- ful fight, as their resistance was very desperate. Our sailors were obliged to use their cutlasses, and for a few minutes I was quite bewildered with the shouting and swearing, pushing and scuffling, collaring and fighting, together with the dust raised up, w^hich not only blinded, but nearly choked me. By the time that my breath was nearly squeezed out of my body, our sailors got the best of it, which the landlady nd women of the house perceiving, they put PETER SIMPLE. 117 out all the lights, so that I could not tell where I was ; but our sailors had every one seized his man, and contrived to haul him out of the street door, where they were collected together, and secured. Now again I was in great difficulty ; I had been knocked dow^n and trod upon, and when I did contrive to get up again, I did not know the direction in which the door lay. I felt about by the wall, and at last came to a door, for the room was at that time nearly empty, the women having followed the men out of the house. I opened it, and found that it was not the right one, but led into a httle side parlour, where there was a fire, but no lights. I had just discovered my mistake, and was about to retreat, when I was shoved in from behind, and the key turned upon me ; there I w^as, all alone, and, I must acknowledge, very much frightened, as I thought that the vengeance of the women would be wTeaked upon me. I considered that my death was certain, and that, like the man Orpheus I had read of in my books, I should be torn to pieces by these Bacchanals. How^ever, I reflected that I was an officer in his majest}-'s service, and that it was my duty, if necessary, to sacrifice my Hfe for my king and countrv. I 118 PETER SIMPLE. thought of my poor mother ; but as it made me unhappy, I tried to forget her, and call to my memory all I had read of the fortitude and courage of various brave men, -when death stared them in the face. I peeped through the key- hole, and perceived that the candles were re- lighted, and that there were only women in the room, who were talking all at once, and not thinking about me. But in a minute or two, a woman came in from the street, with her long black hair hanging about her shoulders, and her cap in her hand. " Well," cried she, " they've nabbed my husband; but I'll be dished if I hav'n't boxed up the midshipmite in that par- lour, and he shall take his place." I thought I should have died when I looked at the woman, and perceived her coming up to the door, fol- lowed by some others, to unlock it. As the door opened, I drew my dirk, resolving to die like an officer, and as they advanced, I retreated to a corner, brandishing my dirk, without say- ing a word, " Veil," cried the woman who had made me a prisoner, "I do declare I likes to see a puddle in a storm — only look at the little biscuit-nibbler showing fight ! Come, my lovey, you belongs to me." "Never!" exclaimed I with indignation. PETER SI3IPLE. 119 " Keep off, or I shall do you mischief;" (and I raised my dirk in advance ;) "I am an officer and a gentleman." " Sail," cried the odious woman, " fetch a mop and a pail of dirty water, and I'll trundle that dirk out of his list." " No, no," replied another rather good-looking young woman, "leave him to me — don't hurt him — he really is a very nice httle man. WTiat's your name, my dear?" " Peter Simple is my name," replied I ; " and I am a king's officer, so be careful what you are about." "Don't be afraid, Peter, nobody shall hurt you ; but you must not draw your dirk before ladies, that's not hke an officer and a gentleman — so put up your dirk, that's a good boy." " I will not," rephed I, " unless you promise me that I shall go away unmolested." " I do promise you that you shall, upon my word, Peter — upon my honour — will that con- tent you ?" " Yes," replied I, " if every one else will promise the same." " Upon our honours," they all cried toge- ther; upon which I was satisfied, and putting my dirk into its sheath, was about to quit the room. 120 PETER SIMPLE. " Stop, Peter," said the young woman who had taken my part ; " I must have a kiss before you go." "And so must I; and so must we all," cried the women. I was very much shocked, and attempted to draw my dirk again, but they had closed in mth me, and prevented me. " Recollect your honour," cried I to the young woman, as I struggled. " My honour ! — Lord bless you, Peter, the less we say about that, the better." "But you promised that I should go away quietly," said I, appealing to them. " Well, and so you shall ; but recollect, Peter, that you are an officer and a gentleman — you surely would not be so shabby as to go away without treating us. What money have you got in your pocket?" and, without giving me time to answer, she felt in my pocket, and pulled out my purse, which she opened. " Why, Peter, you are as rich as a Jew," said she, as they counted thirty shillings on the table. " Now what shall we have ?" "Anything you please," said I, "provided that you will let me go." " Well, then, it shall be a gallon of gin. Sail, call Mrs. Flanagan. Mrs. Flanagan, we want a gallon of gin, and clean glasses." PETER SIMPLE. 121 Mrs. Flanagan received the major part of my money, and in a minute returned with the gin and wine glasses. "Now, Peter, my cove, let's all draw round the table, and make ourselves cosy."*' " O no," replied I, " take my money, drink the gin, but pray let me go f but they wouldn't listen to me. Then I was obliged to sit down with them, the gin was poured out, and they made me drink a glass, which nearly choked me. It had, however, one good effect, it gave me courage, and in a minute or two, I felt as if I could fight them all. The door of the room was on the same side as the fire-place, and I perceived that the poker was between the bars, and red hot. I complained that I was cold, although I was in a burning fever: and they allowed me to get up to warm my hands. As soon as I reached the fire-place, I snatched out the redhot poker, and, brandishing it over mv head, made for the door. They all jumped up to detain me, but I made a poke at the fore- most, which made her run back with a shriek. (I do believe that I burnt her nose.) I seized my opportunity, and escaped into the street, w^hirling the poker round my head : while all the women followed, hooting and shouting after VOL. L G 122 PETER SIMPLE. me. I never stopped running and whirling my poker until I was reeking with perspiration, and the poker was quite cold. Then I looked back, and found that I was alone. It was very dark ; every house was shut up, and not a light to be seen anywhere. I stopped at the comer, not knowing where I was or what I was to do. I felt very miserable indeed, and was reflecting on my wisest plan, when who should turn the corner, but one of the quarter-masters, who had been left on shore by accident. I knew him by his pea jacket and straw hat to be one of our men, and I was delighted to see him. I told him what had happened, and he replied that he was going to a house where the people knew him and would let him in. When we arrived there, the people of the house were very civil ; the landlady made us some purl, which the quarter-master ordered, and which I thought very good indeed. After we had finished the jug, we both fell asleep in our chairs. I did not awaken until I was roused by the quarter- master, at past seven o'clock, when we took a wherry, and went off to the ship. PETER SIMPLE. 123 CHAPTER XI. O'Brien takes me under his protection— The ship's company are paid, so are the bumboat-women^ the Jews, and the emancipationist after a fashion — We go to sea — Doctor O'Brien's cure for sea-sickness — One pill of the Doctor's more than a dose. When we arrived, I reported myself to the first lieutenant, and told him the whole story of the manner in which I had been treated, show- ing him the poker, which I brought on board with me. He heard me very patiently, and then said, " Well, Mr. Simple, you may be the greatest fool of your family for all I know to the contrar}^, but never pretend to be a fool with me. That poker proves the contrary ; and if your wit can serve you upon your own emer- gency, I expect that it will be employed for the benefit of the service." He then sent for O'Brien, and gave him a lecture for allowing me to go g2 124 PETER SIMPLE. with the pressgang, pointing out, what was very true, that I could have been of no service, and might have met with a serious accident. I went down on the main deck, and O'Brien came to me. " Peter," said he, " I have been jawed for letting you go, so it is but fair that you should be thrashed far having asked me." ] wished to argue the point, but he cut all argu- ment short, by kicking me down the hatchway ; and thus ended my zealous attempt to procure seamen for his majesty's service. At last the frigate was full manned ; and, as we had received drafts of men from other ships, we were ordered to be paid previously to our going to sea. The people on shore always find out when a ship is to be paid, and very early in the morning we were surrounded with wherries, laden with Jews and other people, some request- ing admittance to sell their goods, others to get paid for what they had allowed the sailors to take up upon credit. But the first lieutenant would not allow any of them to come on board until after the ship was paid ; although they were so urgent, that he was forced to place sen- tries in the chains with cold shot, to stave the boats if they came alongside. I was standing at the gangway, looking at the crowd of boats,, PETER SIMPLE. 125 when a black looking fellow in one of the wherries said to me, " I say, sir, let me slip in at the port, and I have a very nice pre- sent to make you ;" and he displayed a gold seal, which he held up to me. I imm^ediately ordered the sentry to keep him farther off, for I was very much affronted at his supposing me capable of being bribed to disobey my orders. About eleven o'clock the dock-yard boat, with all the pay clerks, and the cashier, with his chest of money, came on board, and was shown into the fore-cabin, where the captain attended the pay-table. The men were called in, one by one, and as the amount of wages due had been pre- viously calculated, they were paid very fast. The money was always received in their hats, after it had been counted out in the presence of the officers and captain. Outside the cabin door, there stood a tall man in black, with hair straight combed, who had obtained an order from the port-admiral to be permitted to come on board. He attacked every sailor as he came out, with his money in his hat, for a subscrip- tion to emancipate the slaves in the West Indies; but the sailors would not give him anything, swearing that the niggers were better off than they were; for they did not work harder by 126 PETER SIMPLE. day, and had no watch and watch to keep dur- ing the night. " Sarvitude is sarvitude all over the world, my old psalm-singer," replied one. " They sarve their masters, as in duty bound ; we sarve the king, * cause he can't do without us — and he never axes our leave, but helps himself." " Yes," replied the straight-haired gentle- man ; " but slavery is a very different thing." " Can't say that I see any diiFerence ; do you. Bill ?" " Not I : and I suppose as if they didn't like it, they'd run away." " Run away ! poor creatures," said the black gentleman. " Why if they did, they would be flogged." " Flogged — ^heh ; well, and if we run away, we are to be hanged. The nigger's better off nor we ; ar'n't he, Tom ?" Then the purser^s steward came out ; he was what they call a bit of a lawyer, that is, had received more educa- tion than the seamen in general. " I trust, sir," said the man in black, " that you will contribute something." " Not I, my hearty ; I owe every farthing of my money, and more too, I'm afraid." « Still, sir, a small trifle." PETER SIMPLE. 127 " Why, what an inferaal rascal you must be, to ask a man to give away what is not his own property ! Did I not tell you that I owed it all ? There's an old proverb — be just before you're generous. Now, it's my opinion, that you are a methodistical, good-for-nothing blackguard; and if any one is such a fool as to give you money, you \sill keep it for yourself." When the man found that he could obtain nothing at the door, he went down on the lower deck, in which he did not act very wisely; for now that the men were paid, the boats were permitted to come alongside, and so much spirits were smuggled in, that most of the seamen were more or less intoxicated. As soon as he went below, he commenced distribut- ing prints of a black man kneehng in chains and saying, " Am not I your brother?" Some of the men laughed, and swore that they would paste their brother up in the mess to say prayers for the ship's company; but others were very angry, and abused him. At last, one man, who was tipsy, came up to him. " Do you pretend for to insinivate that this crying black thief is my brother ?" " To be sure I do," replied the methodist. " Then take that for vour infernal lie,"" said 128 PETER SIMPLE. the sailor, hitting him in the face right and left, and knocking the man down into the cable tier, from whence he chmbed up, and made his escape out of the frigate as soon as he was able. The ship was now in a state of confusion and uproar ; there were Jews trying to sell clothes, or to obtain money for clothes which they had sold ; bumboat men and bumboat women show- ing their long bills, and demanding or coaxing for payment ; other people from the shore, with hundreds of small debts ; and the sailors' wives, sticking close to them, and disputing every bill presented, as an extortion or a robbery. There were such bawling and threatening, laughing and crying — for the women were all to quit the ship before sunset — at one moment a Jew was upset, and all his hamper of clothes tossed into the hold ; at another, a sailor was seen hunt- ing everywhere for a Jew who had cheated him? — all squabbling or skylarking, and many of them very drunk. It appeared to me that the sailors had rather a difficult point to settle. They had three claimants upon them, the Jew for clothes, the bumboat men for their mess in harbour, and their wives for their support during their absence ; and the money which they received was, generally speaking, not PETER SIMPLE. 129 more than sufficient to meet one of the demands. As it may be supposed, the women had the best of it ; the others were paid a trifle, and promised the remainder when they came back from their cruize ; and although, as the case stood then, it might appear that two of the parties were ill used, yet in the long run they were more than indemnified, for fneir charges were so extravagant, that if one-third of their bills were paid, there would still remain a profit. About five o'clock, the orders were given for the ship to be cleared. All disputed points were settled by the sergeant of marines with a party, who divided their antagonists from the Jews ; and ever)' description of persons not belonging to the ship, whether male or female, was dismissed oyer the side. The hammocks were piped down, those who were intoxicated were put to bed, and the ship was once more quiet. Nobody was punished for ha^'ing been tipsy, as pay-day is considered, on board a man-of war, as the winding up of all incorrect behaviour, and from that day the sailors turn over a new leaf : for, although some latitude is permitted, and the seamen are seldom flogged in harbour, yet the moment that the anchor is at the bows, strict discipline is G 5 130 PETER SIMPLE. exacted, and intoxication must no longer hope to be forgiven. The next day everything was prepared for sea, and no leave was permitted to the officers. Stock of every kind was brought on board, and the large boats hoisted and secured. On the morning after, at day-light, a signal from the flag-ship in harbour was made for us to unmoor; our orders had come down to cruize in the Bay of Biscay. The captain came on board, the anchor weighed, and we ran through the Needles with a fine N.E. breeze. I ad- mired the scenery of the Isle of Wight, looked with admiration at Alum Bay, was astonished at the Needle rocks, and then felt so very ill that I went down below, What occurred for the next six days I cannot tell. I thought that I should die every moment, and lay in my hammock or on the chests for the whole of that time, incapable of eating, drinking, or walking about. O'Brien came to me on the seventh morning, and said, that if I did not exert myself I never should get well, that he was very fond of me, and had taken me under his protection, and, to prove his regard, he would do for me what he would not take the trouble to do for any other youngster in the ship, PETER SIMPLE. 131 which was, to give me a good basting, which was a sovereign remedy for sea-sickness. He suited the action to the word, and drubbed me on the ribs without mercy, until I thought the breath was out of my body, and then he took out a rope's end and thrashed me until I obeyed his orders to go on deck immediately. Before he came to me, I could never have beheved it possible that I could have obeyed him, but somehow or another I did contrive to crawl up the ladder to the main-deck, where I sat down on the shot -racks and cried bitterly. WTiat would I have given to have been at home again ! It was not my fault that I was the greatest fool in the family, yet how vras I punish- ed for it ! If this was kindness from O'Brien, what had I to expect from those who were not partial to me? But, by degrees, I recovered myself, and certainly felt a great deal better, and that night I slept very soundly. The next morning O'Brien came to me again. " It's a nasty slow fever, that sea- sickness, liay Peter, and we must drive it out of you;" and then he commenced a repetition of yesterday's re- medy until I was almost a jelly. Whether the fear of being thrashed drove away my sea-sickness, or whatever might be the real 132 PETER SIMPLE. cause of it, I do not know, but this is certain, that I felt no more of it after the second beating, and the next morning when I awoke I was very hungry. I hastened to dress myself before O'Brien came to me, and did not see him until we met at breakfast. " Pater," said he, " let me feel your pulse." " O no !" replied I, " indeed I'm quite well." " Quite well ! Can you eat biscuit and salt butter?" " Yes, I can." " And a piece of fat pork ?" " Yes, that I can." " It's thanks to me then. Pater," replied he ! " so you'll have no more of my medicine until you fall sick again." " I hope not," replied I, " for it was not very pleasant." " Pleasant ! you simple Simple, when did you ever hear of physic being pleasant, unless a man prescribe for himself ? I suppose you'd be after lollipops for the yellow fever. Live and lam, boy, and thank Heaven that you've found somebody who loves you well enough to baste you when it's good for your health." I replied, " that I certainly hoped, that much as I felt obhged to him, I should not require any more proofs of his regard." PETER SIMPLE. 133 " Any more such striking proofs, you mean, Pater ; but let me tell you that they were sincere proofs, for since you've been ill I've been eating your pork and drinking your grog, which latter can't be too plentiful in the Bay of Biscay. And now that Pve cured you, you'll be tucking all that into your own little breadbasket, so that Tm no gainer, and I think that you may be conduced that you never had or will have two more disinterested thumpings in all your born days. However, you're very welcome, so say no more about it." I held my tongue and ate a very hearty breakfast. From that day I returned to my duty, and was put into the same watch with O'Brien, vrho spoke to the first heutenant, and told him that he had taken me under his charge. 134 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER XII. New theory of Mr. Muddle remarkable for having no end to it — Novel practice of Mr. Chucks — O'Brien commences his history — There were giants in those days — I bring- up the master's night-glass. As I have already mentioned sufficient of the captain and the first heutenant to enable the reader to gain an insight into their characters, I shall now mention two very odd personages who were my shipmates, the carpenter and the boatswain. The carpenter, whose name was Muddle, used to go by the appellation of Philo- sopher Chips ; not that he followed any par- ticular school, but had formed a theory of his own, from which he was not to be dissuaded. This was, that the universe had its cycle of events which turned round, so that in a certain period of time every thing was to happen PETER SIMPLE. 135 over again. I never could make him ex- plain upon what data his calculations were founded; he said, that if he explained it, I was too young to comprehend it; but the fact was this, " that in 27,67*2 years every- thing that was going on now would be going on again, with the same people as were existing at this present time." He very seldom ven- tured to make the remark to Captain Savage, but to the first lieutenant he did very often. " IVe been as close to it as possible, sir, I do assure you, although you find fault; but 27,672 years ago you were first lieu- tenant of this ship, and I was carpenter, although we recollect nothing about it ; and 27,672 years hence we shall both be standing by this boat, talking about the repairs, as we are now." " I do not doubt it, Mr. Muddle," replied the first lieutenant : " I dare say that it is all very true ; but the repairs must be finished this night, and 27,672 years hence you will have the order just as positive as you have it now, so let it be done." This theory made him very indifferent as to danger, or indeed as to anything. It was of no consequence, the afiair took its station in 1.36 PETER SIMPLE. the course of time. It had happened at the above period, and would happen again. Fate was fate. But the boatswain was a more amusing personage. He was considered to be the taughtest (that is, the most active and severe) boatswain in the service. He went by the name of " Gentleman Chucks," — the latter was his surname. He appeared to have received half an education; sometimes his language was for a few sentences remarkably well chosen, but, all of a sudden, he would break down at a hard word; but I shall be able to let the reader into more of his history as I go on with my adventures. He had a very handsome person, inclined to be stout, keen eyes, and hair curling in ringlets. He held his head up, and strutted as he walked. He declared " that an officer should look like an officer, and comfort himself accordingly." In his per- son he was very clean, wore rings on his great fingers, and a large frill to his bosom, which stuck out like the back fin of a perch, and the collar of his shirt was always pulled up to a level with his cheek-bones. He never appeared on deck without his " persuader," which was three rattans twisted into one, like PETER SIMPLE. 137 a cable; sometimes he called it his Order of the Bath, or his Trio juncto in uno ; and this persuader was seldom idle. He attempted to be ven^ polite, even when addressing the com- mon seamen, and, certainly, he always com- menced his observations to them in a very gracious manner, but, as he continued, he be- came less choice in his phraseology. O'Brien said that his speeches were like the Sin of the poet, very fair at the upper part of them, but shocking at the lower extremities. As a speci- men of them, he would say to, the man on the forecastle, " Allow me to observe, my dear man, in the most delicate way in the world, that you are spilling that tar upon the deck — a deck, sir, if I may venture to make the observation, I had the duty of seeing holystoned this morning. You understand me, sir, you have defiled his majesty's forecastle. I must do my duty, sir, if you neglect yours ; so take that — and that — and that — (thrashing the man ^nth his rattan) — you d — d haymaking son of a sea-cook. Do it again, d — n your eyes, and I'll cut your hver out." I remember one of the ship's boys going forward with a kid of dirty water to empty in the head, >;\ithout putting his hand up to 138 PETER SIMPLE. his hat, as he passed the boatswain. " Stop, my Uttle friend," said the boatswain, pulling out his frill, and raising up both sides of his shirt collar. " Are you aware, sir, of my rank and station in society ?" " Yes, sir," replied the boy, trembling, and eyeing the rattan. « Oh, you are !" rephed Mr. Chucks. " Had you not been aware of it, I should have con- sidered a gentle correction necessary, that you might have avoided such an error in future; but, as you ivere aware of it, why then, d — n you, you have no excuse, so take that — and that — you yelping, half-starved abortion. I really beg your pardon, Mr. Simple," said he to me, as the boy went howling forward, for I was walking with him at the time ; " but really the service makes brutes of us all. It is hard to sacrifice our health, our nighfs rest, and our comforts ; but still more so, that in my respon- sible situation, I am obliged too often to sacrifice my gentility." The master was the officer who had charge of the watch to which I was stationed ; he was a very rough" sailor, who had been brought up in the merchant service, not much of a gentle- man in his appearance, very good-tempered, PETER SIMPLE. 139 and very fond of grog. He always quarrelled with the boatswain, and declared that the ser- vice was going to the devil, now that warrant officers put on white shirts, and wore frills to them. But the boatswain did not care for him ; he knew his duty, he did his duty, and if the captain was satisfied, he said that the whole ship's company might grumble. As for the master, he said, the man was very well, but having been brought up in a collier, he could not be expected to be very refined ; "in fact," he observed, pulling up his shirt collar, — " it was impossible to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." The master was very kind to me, and used to send me down to my hammock be- fore my watch was half over. Until that time, I walked the deck with O'Brien, who was a very pleasant companion, and taught me every- thing that he could, connected with my pro- fession. One night, when we had the middle watch, I told him I should hke yevy much if he would give me the history of his life. " That I will, my honey," replied he, '•' all that I can remember of it, though I have no doubt but that I've forgotten the best part of it. It's now within five minutes of two bells, so we'U heave the log and mark the board, and then I'll 140 PETER SIMPLE. spin you a yarn, which will keep us both from going to sleep." O'Brien reported the rate of sailing to the master, marked it down on the log-board, and then returned. " So now, my boy, I'll come to an anchor on the topsail halyard rack, and you may squeeze your thread-paper little carcase under my lee, and then I'll tell you all about it. First and foremost, you must know that I am descended from the great O'Brien Borru, who was a king in his time, as the great Fingal was before him. Of course you've heard of Fingal." " I can't say that I ever did," replied I. " Never heard of Fingal ! — murder ! Where must you have been all your life ? Well, then, to give you some notion of Fingal, I will first tell you how Fingal bothered the great Scotch giant, and then Fll go on with my own story* Fingal, you must know, was a giant himself, and no fool of one, and any one that affronted him was as sure of a bating, as I am to keep the middle watch to-night. But there was a giant in Scotland as tall as the mainmast, more or less, as we say w^hen we a'n't quite sure, as it saves tellhig more lies than there's occasion for. Well, this Scotch giant heard of Fingal, and how he had beaten everybody, and he said, PETER SIMPLE. 141 ' "WTio is this Fingal ? By Jasus/ says he, in Scotch, ' I'll just walk over and see what he's made of.' So he walked across the Irish Chan^ nel, and landed within haK a mile of Belfast, but whether he was out of his depth or not I can't tell, although I suspect that he was not dry-footed. When Fingal heard that this great chap was coming over, he was in a devil of a fright, for they told him that the Scotchman was taller by a few feet or so. Giants, you know, measure by feet, and don't bother themselves about the inches, as we little devils are obhged to do. So Fingal kept a sharp look-out for the Scotchman, and one fine morning, there he was, sure enough, coming up the hill to Fingal's house. If Fingal was afraid before, he had more reason to be afraid when he saw the fellow, for he looked for all the world like the monument upon a voyage of discovery. So Fingal ran into his house, and called to his wife Shaya, * My vourneen,' says he, ' be quick now; there's that big bully of a Scotchman coming up the hill. Kiver me up with the blankets, and if he asks who is in bed, tell him it's the child.' So Fingal laid do^^'n on the bed, and his wife had just time to cover him up, when in comes the Scotchman, and 142 PETER SIMPLE. though he stooped low, he broke his head against the portal. ' Where's that baste Fingal ?' says' he, rubbing his forehead ; ' show him to me, that I may give him a bating.' ' Whisht, whisht !' cries Shaya, ' you'll wake the babby, and then him that you talk of bating will be the death of you, if he comes in.' « Is that the babby?' cried the Scotchman with surprise, looking at the great carcase muffled up in the blankets. ' Sure it is,' replied Shaya, « and Fingal's babby too ; so don't you wake him, or Fingal will twist your neck in a minute.' ' By the cross of St. Andrew,' re- plied the giant, ' then it's time for me to be off ; for if that's his babby, I'll be but a mouthful to the fellow himseK. Good morning to ye." So the Scotch giant ran out of the house, and never stopped to eat or drink until he got back to his own hills, foreby he was nearly drowned in having mistaken his passage across the Channel in his great hurry. Then Fingal got up and laughed, as well he might, at his own 'cuteness ; and so ends my story about Fingal. And now I'll begin about myself. As I said before, I am descended from the great O'Brien, who was a king in his time, but that time's past. I suppose, as the world turns round, my PETER SIMPLE. 143 children's children's posterity may be kings again, although there seems but httle chance of it just now ; but there's ups and downs on a grand scale, as well as in a man's o^mi history, and the wheel of fortune keeps turning for the comfort of those who are at the lowest spoke, as I may be just now. To cut the story a little shorter, I skip do\Mi to my great-grand- father, who lived like a real gentleman, as he was, upon his ten thousand a-year. At last he died, and eight thousand of the ten was buried with him. My grandfather followed his father all in good course of time, and only left my father about one hundred acres of bog to keep up the dignity of the family. I am the youngest of ten, and de^il a copper have I but my pay, or am I hkely to have. You may talk about descent^ but a more descending family than mine was never in existence, for here am I with twent}-five pounds a-year, and a half-pay of ' nothing a-day, and find myself,' when my great ancestor did just what he pleased with all Ireland, and everj'body in it. But this is all nothing, ex- cept to prove satisfactorily that I am not worth a skillagalee, and that is the reason which induces me to condescend to serve his majesty. Father M'Grath, the priest, who lived with my father, 144 PETER SIMPLE. taught me the elements, as they call them. I thought I had enough of the elements then, but I've seen a deal more of them since. ' Terence,' says my father to me one day, ' what do you mane to do ?' ' To get my dinner, sure,' re- phed I, for I was not a little hungry. ' And so you shall to-day, my vourneen,' replied my father, ' but in future you must do something to get your own dinner; there's not praties enow for the whole of ye. Will you go to the say f ' I'll just step down and look at it,' says I, for we lived but sixteen Irish miles from the coast ; so when I had finished my meal, which did not take long, for want of ammunition, I trotted down to the Cove to see w^hat a ship might be like, and I happened upon a large one sure enough, for there lay a three-decker with an admiral's flag at the fore. ' May be you'll be so civil as to tell me what ship that is,' said I to a sailor on the pier. ' It's the Queen Charlotte,' replied he, ' of one hundred and twenty guns.' Now when I looked at her size, and compared her with all the little smacks and hoys lying about her, I very naturally asked how old she was ; he replied, that she was no more than three years old. ' But three years old !' thought I to myself; ' it's a fine vessel PETER SIMPLE. 145 you*ll be when you'll come of age, if you grow at that rate : you'll be as tall as the top of Ben- crow, (that's a mountain we have in our parts.) You see, Peter, I was a fool at that time, just as you are now; but by-and-bye, when you've had as many thrashings as I have had, you may chance to be as clever. I went back to my father, and told him all I had seen, and he re- plied, that if I hked it I might be a midship- man on board of her, with nine hundred men under my command. He forgot to say how many I should have over me, but I found that out afterwards. I agreed, and my father or- dered his pony and went to the lord Ueutenant, for he had interest enough for that. The lord lieutenant spoke to the admiral, who was staying at the palace, and I was ordered on board as midshipman. My father fitted me out pretty handsomely^ telHng all the tradesmen that their bills should be paid with my first prize-money, and thus, by promises and blarney, he got credit for all I wanted. At last all w^as ready : Father M'Grath gave me his blessing, and told me that if I died hke an O'Brien, he would say a power of masses for the good of my soul. ' May you never have the trouble, sir,' said I. * Och, trouble ! a pleasure, my dear boy,' re- VOL. I. H 146 PETER SIMPLE. plied he, for he was a very polite man ; so oif I went with my big chest, not quite so full as it ought to have been, for my mother cribbed one half of my stock for my brothers and sisters. ' I hope to be back again soon, father,' said I as I took my leave. ' I hope not, my dear boy,' replied he ; * a'n't you provided for, and what more would ye have?" So, after a deal of bother, I was fairly on board, and I parted company with my chest, for I stayed on deck, and that went down below. I stared about T\dth all my eyes for some time, when who should be coming off but the captain, and the officers were ordered on deck to receive him. I wanted to have a quiet survey of him, so I took up my station on one of the guns, that I might examine him at my leisure. The boatswain whistled, the marines presented arms, and the officers all took off their hats as the captain came on the deck, and then the guard was dismissed, and they all walked about the deck as before ; but I found it very pleasant to be astride on the gun, so I remained where I was. ' What do you mane by that, you big young scoundrel?' says he, when he saw me. « It's nothing at all I mane,' replied I; ^^ ^>j^^--;4 •^- i