Mill

LI B R_AR.Y

OF THE

UN 1VER.SITY

Of ILLINOIS

V. I

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1 SAYS, SAYS I.

A NOVEL.

I SAYS, SAYS I;

A NOVEL,

THINKS-I-TO-MYSELF.

IN TWO VOLUIMES.

VOL. I.

iBi x -a ci ■

LONDON:

■PRINTED FOR J. JOHNSTON, ^S, CHEAPSIDE,
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

1812.

VRl2fT8D BY HAMBLIN AND SEYFANC;

QtiMnStrett, Ckeapsidt,

INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER,

]N/[y habits of soliloquizing have
given such a moral tincture to my
sentiments and my manners, that, if
I attempt to indite any thing very
comical by way of introduction to
my work, it is ten to one but I
fail. Custom however, and the in-
cessant applications of my publish-
er, who daily enters his protests
against the delay I occasion to the
work, have impelled me to sit down
^yto the task, irksome as it is; and

therefore, like a suicide, driven to
act by desperation, I have taken in
my hand the \veapon of my own
destruction.

I have often thought to myself,
and my secret thoughts have as
frequently been before the Public,
causing me many '^ hair-breadth
'scapes and imminent dangers/'
which I might never have encounter-
ed, had 1 been gifted with the know-
ledge of some handicraft business^
and a spirit humble enough to have
confined itself to the pursuit of its
calling, how many evils should I
then have avoided, which have now
fallen to my share ! how many
nights of i-est and days of careless-
ness might in that case have been
mine, in lieu of watchfulness*

Ill

spleen, hunger, imprisonment, na-
kedness, and a long catalogue of et
ceteras f O Nature, Nature! hadst
thou possessed a little more foresight,
or a little more compassion for the
piece of workmanship which thou
turnedst out of hand, when thou set-
tedstme '' upwards with a little puff of
breath, and bid me pass for man," I
might, with the help of good fortune,
have now been some honest jour-
neyman carpenter, with just enough
money to frighten away the wolf,
and a superfluity of nothing on
earth, a wife perhaps, and some
eight or ten children only excepted !
Then I should never have troubled
mankind with my thoughts ; and
mankind, in return, would never
have troubled me with a motley

mixture of censure and applause, of
hisses, shouts, smiles, frowns, bles-
sings, curses, plaudits, and damna-
tion.

But things have been otherwise
ordained : instead of a silver spoon,
I was born with a pen in my
mouth ; and, at the age of twenty-
nine years and four months, I find
myself burdened with all the
thoughts of all my brothers and
sisters, (as thoughtless a groupe as
any man can picture ; ) and, as we are
about a dozen in number, how is
it possible that I can contain all
these thout]fhts w^ithout snfferino'
some of them to fly oJBf and stalk
about the world ? It is exactly in
this point of view that I considered

the matter, when I first began to
write ; and, thinking that it would
be better to arrange my superfluous
stock of ideas, and to send them
out into the world in somethinsf
like an orderly form, than to per-
mit them to escape in a tumultuous
disorderly manner, I took out a
few of them, and drilled them day
after day, until they appeared in
some degree tit for inspection. They
passed in review, and the result, on
the whole, was so flattering as to
induce me to make further at-
tempts ; until the habit of thinking
to myself, and then publishing the
issue of my cogitations to the
world, is become as familiar to me,
as my regular meals, or my reguJac
rest.

a 2

VI'

If I were left to my own mcli-
nations, I should break off here^
and come to a conclusion ; but, as
my publisher tells me I am still
some five or six pages in arrear,
to make my first volume at all
tolerable, I must needs go on, and
fill up the requisite space with some-
thing or nothing. It is the practice
of some writers, in their prefara-
tory chapter, to enter into serious
and philosophical disputations on
novel-writing ; commencing with
the origin of authorship, and tra-
cing it through all its different
windings unto the present day, and^
concluding with drawing critical
distinctions between the use and/
abuse of talent ; pointing out what
publications are in their nature and.

Vll

tendency mischievous, and what
beneficial: and whether the mis—
chievous or the beneficial part is
more greedily sought after and ad-
mired. But this is a subject which
I shall leave to be treated of by
those who are more disposed to the
task than myself.

Others treat their readers with a
biographical dish, a sort of hodge-
podge collection of anecdotes thrown
together without system, devoid of
truth, wit, or information; merely
intended to fill a certain cavity in
the volume, teeming with the co-
mico-pathetic, and the ludrico-sub-
lime, scorning probabilities in their
detail, and dwelling upon absurdi-
ties. But of these I do not feeli
ambitious to be one.

A third class fill up some twenty
or thirty pages with protestations
of the purity of their motives — r
with appeals to the indulgence of
the public — abuse of others, and
indirect applause of their own ex-
ertions. These notoriety hunters
jog on in the same path, one after
the other, and are either too indo-
lent or too impotent to strike out
a new course for themselves. Their
prefaces are forms ready prepared
for their use ; and they have no-
thing more to do than to fill up the
blanks as may suit their own views.
I cannot consent to become the com^
panion of these hackney gentlemen
in their lazy march.

No, by all my hopes of ever-

lasting feme, (be they weak or
mighty, it is nothing to the purpose,)
I cannot conscientiously pursue ei-
ther of these courses. I would wish
to commence a new epoch in the
composition of introductory chap-
ters; and, to carry this into ef-
fect, I could also wish to devote
two or three days and nights to
the completion of my purpose ; but
the reason assigned in the com-
mencement of this Preface is a
sufficient apology for my haste in
the manufacture of my prelimina-
ries ; and if they lead, under these
circumstances, to a definitive treaty
of amity between the public and
myself, it is indeed the conclusioi^
which, of all others, I most ar-
dently desire. But as my publi—

sher is waiting for ray introduc-
tion, and as none of the common
modes of introducing myself are at
all satisfactory to my own concep-
tions of the business, I think I
shall even leave off just where I
am ; and permit the public to en-
ter on the subsequent pages in
whatever mood, disposition, temper,
or inclination, they may please ;
merely presuming, that, if they find
nothing very attractive in the tale
and style of '' I says, says I/' they
may be certain that it contains
nothing inimical to morality — no-
thing from the perusal of which
the young mind ought to be de-
barred, nor from which the old can
feel alarm — nothing to awaken de-
sire, nor to create the blush of
modesty on the cheek of virtue.

And now I have only further to
express my hope, that, whoever
shall attempt to wade through this
work, will be gifted with a tole-
rable degree of patience ; and, if
they form any judgment at all as
to its merits, that they will be
pleased to pause until they have
completed the last page of the last
volume.

I SAYS, SAYS 1.

He who sits do\vn to commit all the
great and little occurrences of his life
to the public eye, ought to be posses-
sed of no common share of virtue, or
no common share of resolution ; and
this is as much as to say that one or
the other of these qualities has fallen

VOL. I. B

to my lot; which of them it is, let
the reader decide, when he has waded
through the biographical stream I have
prepared for him ; after I have inform-
ed him, that if '' Thinks I to Myself'
had not ventured to become a public
character, '* I Says, Says I," would never
have been heard of.

If I were the slave of custom, or
could content myself with treading
the common path, I should begin with
the period of my birth ; but, as this
is an event of which I have no recol-
lection, and as I write from memory,
I shall leave this circumstance to be
related at that particular era in my
history, when 1 first became acquainted
w^ith it myself. Besides, what boots it
to the reader whether I first saw the
light in a blue chamber or a green
chamber, whether the accoucheur, to

whom I was indebted, was a male or
a female practitioner — the most skilful
which the metropolis could boast, or
the more rude inhabitant of some less
cultivated spot — the humble student
and assistant of Nature in her simplest
state ! what boots it to the reader, to
know these things? Nothing! So to
proceed.

The first circumstance of my life,
which impressed itself in any consider-
able degree upon my mind, was a long
journey in an old heavy rumbling
coach, through a great variety of strange
scenery, pent up with a gentleman
and lady, whom I had been accustomed
to call papa and mamma. After tra-
velling for three or four days incessant i
ly, during all which time, with tho
natural inquisitiveness of childhood, I
had asked a thousand questions of the
B 2

same import, to which I had received
as many different answers from an old
lady, who accompanied me as nurse,
Vv^e halted at a beautiful spot called
Hendon Park, (as I have since under-
stood,) situated in the middle of Nor-
tiiumberland.

In conformity to the accredited sys-
tem of novel-writers, I ought now to
enter into a detail, occupying at least
twenty or thirty pages, to give the rea-'
dcr an insight into the reasons which
induced Sir Philip and Lady Russell
to take this long journey : but, to fa-
shionable ears, three words will suffice.
It was summei^ ! and as Mrs. Radcliffe,
my nurse, told me, " nobody thinks of
staying in town in summer." ^^ Why ?*'
says I. " I can't tell, my dear,'* says
she. / says, says /, '^ then I must find
it out.'*

For some days this idea made no fur-
ther impression on my mind. I walked
with Sia* Philip, played with Lady Kirs-
scll, and prattled with ]\Irs. Radcliife,
but I never gave myself any further trou-
ble to inquire or to think wliy people
did not stay in town in the summer.

During my rambles I had observed
that w^hen the sun shone upon the hsh-
ponds, the fish played upon the sur-
face ; that the sheep were more happy
in the pastures than in the yards ; that
even the geese cackled with new de-
light, when they had escaped fiom
their pens, and had the wide range of
the fields: that the labourer quitted
his cottage, and, as he smoked his
pipe, the sweetener of his evening* re-
laxations, he sunned himself in the decli-
ning ray, and seemed to derive addi-
tional happiness from the contempla-

tion of nature's sweetness; these ideas
suggested themselves strongly and re-
peatedly to my mind. I found they
were working to some point ; but for
the soul of me, I could not ascertain
what was their precise object. At
length, however, the whole secret burst
upon me suddenly like a beam of light.
I was no lono^er at a loss to discover
why people sought after the country in
the summer.

Inflated with the idea of my own pe-
netration, and unable to restrain my
transports, I instantly rushed into the
apartment where Mrs. RadclifFe was
sitting, overturning a superb service
of china, every article of which was
broken into a thousand pieces. The
accident had no power to turn the cur-
rent of my thoughts from the channel
into which it had fallen ; but, bounding

over the scattered tuIds of the province
of Nankin, while my astonished nurse
held up her hands in silent dismay, I
sprang into her lap, exclaiming, " I have
found it out f*

" I think you have, my dear," re-
turned Mrs. Radcliffe, casting a look
of anguish on the floor, and as she
gazed, I perceived the tears rising into
her eyes. I loved her, and, young as
I was, I could not see her emotion
without participating in it. I felt my
cheeks grow moist — my ideas took a
different turn — and I totally lost all
which I had so recently discovered.

Was I a fool to weep thus at the
distress of another ; and that other a
poor old nurse? Beit so ! I was but a
child; and I dare say the knowledge
of the world I have since gained, would

prevent me from acting so childish
a part again. How weak and foohsh is
Nature, until education has taught her
how to behave herself !

When Mrs. Radcliffe saw me shed
tears, she checked her own ; and, forcing
a smile upon her countenance, which
would have served for a matchless mo-
del of benevolence, she took me in
her arms, and, by her caresses, soon
banished the transitory sorrow which
had oppressed me. Be it folly or wis-
dom, I could weep with such a woman,
even now, were she to cross my path ;
and, when I can call to mind the image
of this good being, w^ithout uttering
a secret wish that she may, from hea-
ven, still regard the wanderings of her
nursling, I shall think m}^ heart at
least one degree worse for the omission
of such a well-deserved tribute to her
memory !

^* What have yeu found out, my dear
Harry?" asked Mrs. RadclifFc, in a
voice more tender in its tones and ca-
dence than usual : and, whatever quid-
nuncs may say to the contrary, there
is more of expression in the tone and
cadence of the voice, than in the lan-
guage itself. But what do quidnuncs
know about it ? *' That people go into
the country in the summer, because
the fields are green, and the sunshines
more than in London," I replied. *' Why,
my dear child,'* returned Mrs. Rad-
clifFe, with a smile, " every body knew
that before.'*

The annihilation of the Nankin chi-
na (had it been the only service in the
house) was a mere trifle to this dis-
appointment. Aly nurse's reply grated
more discordantly upon my cars than
the sound of the parish-bell, which at
B 3

eight o'clock, every evening, was the
signal for my dismission to bed. My
cliildish vanity had been raised to the
highest by the idea of my own saga-
city, and to discover, after all, that
I had only gained a knowledge of what
every body knew before

— *-Ye sanguine alchymists, who, after
years of unremitted toil, perceive the
dissolution of all your golden visions,
and the destruction of your darling
hopes — ye disciples of fame, who, after,
a promise of the Heaven ye seek after,
suddenly behold the materials of im-
mortality fleeting beyond your grasp —
yc spendthrifts who, after squandering
your whole property, anxiously wait
for the fortune which some inconsiderate
father keeps from you, and, at his
wished-for dissolution, find yourselves
Cut off with a shilling — what painful

and tumultuous throbbings caused by
your disappointments could equal those
caused by mine, on hearing that " txtry
body kntw that before /"

Suffice it, however, to remark, that
a subsequent explanation tended, in some
degree, to alleviate the bitterness of my
afflictions ; and the affair passed oiF with-
out any serious consequence to my hap-
piness: a circumstance which Doctor
Cathartic magnified into a miracle, for
he had chanced to call in at the mo-
ment, and had furnished me instantly
with a supply of nostrums sufficient to
prepare me for at least a twelvemonth's
indisposition.

It has oftentimes occurred to me since
I have been capable of reflection, how
pitiable is the case of an infant, whose
safety, in consequence of the particular

19.

affection which is borne to it, is en-
trusted to the care of a man of medi-
cine. Not that I do exactly behcve that
men of medicine have entered into a
wilful combination against infancy ; but
they seem to be prepossessed with an
erroneous opinion that a child is not
fit to be received into the juvenile cir-
cles until it has had instilled into it cer-
tain doses of medicine, such as in the
fulness of their Esculapian wisdom they
may see fit to administer ! Now it hath
frequently and forcibly struck me that
this Esculapian wisdom is, in this instance,
somewhat misapplied j and that really
children might stand a fair chance in
the game of life, if these men of me-
dicine never beheld them.

To see a child wrapped in flannels
so closely as really to create a danger
©f suffocation, while, at the very same

moment, the flush of health man-
tles on its cheek — if a transient and
slight cough annoys it, to see it drench-
ed with cordials, elixirs, and so forth,
until it is thrown into a state of lethar-
gic stupidity, — to behold it crammed,
like a young turkey, four times a day,
to the grievous oppression of nature,
and the great vexation of common
sense — to contemplate unnatural preju-
dices and arbitrary customs obtaining
the ascendancy over the simple regu-
lations which nature hath laid down for
the preservation of the species — oh ! it
is enough to excite the choler of a phi-
lanthropist.

Thank God I however, Mrs. Radcliffe
was a woman out of the common stamp
of those to whom children are usual-
ly committed. Her fondness was not
carried into absurditv; her careful at-

tention to my wants, dwindled not
into foily ; she was kind without being
preposterous, and firm in her method
of treatment without being obstinate
or bigoted. It may be necessary to
add that the stock of medicines sent
in by Doctor Cathartic was brought
without the sanction or privity of my
nurse, and that she absolutely refused
to administer one single potion, but
ordered them all to be thrown to the
dogs — poor devils, they were ill for a
month !

It may seem strangely unnatural, after
dwelling so much upon the merits and
character of my worthy nurse, and upon
the pains which she took to lay a good
foundation for my future health, that
I never mention the virtues and affec-
tionate manners of my mother. To
attempt to describe these qualifications

so as to render her a favourite with
the reader (which I certainly must wish
my mother to be) would be a task
so very puzzling in its nature, that I
dare not venture into the labyrinth.
She was a fashionable lady, and con-
fessed herself publicly to be twenty-five,
although her father, unfortunately for
her calculation, had been dead forty
years, and her mother thirty-seven. She
was as fond of fmery, gossiping, and
flattery, as any female since the days
of Sheba, who took such a monstrous
journey, as history informs us, to show
her magnificence to, and to hold a
gossip with, Solomon, of celebrated me-
Bfiory : she had as many virtues as be-
long to fashionable females in general,
(I leave the reader to guess at their na-
ture and extent,) and if she had no
more, it was the fault of fashion rather
than her own. Her affection towards me

was not very heavily taxed : twice a day
I was admitted to filial privileges of
the meanest rank ; and, about as many
times in the course of a week, I sucked
the carmine from her lips. Thus early
taught to preserve a respectful distance
from her ladyship, my susceptible feel-
ings were never wounded by many fluc-
tuations of maternal affections. She
preserved an uniform coolness — a con-
sistent evenness of disposition towards
me.

What was deficient, however, in the
affection of Lady Russel, although I
must do her the justice to believe that
she showed as much regard for me as
for any other living being, (her dog,
her parrot, and her monkey, excepted ;
for it would be unreasonable indeed to
imagine a lady of fashion capable of lov-
ing a human being with such ardour as

these bighl3^-pnvileged beings) — I say,
what was deficient in her affection for
me, was amply compensated by the un-
remitted love which Sir Philip, on every
occasion, evinced towards me. As my
early reason expanded, he explained to
me the phoenomena of nature; opened
my understanding to receive impres-
sions of utility ; traced the effects vi-
sible in the appearance of creation
and the oeconomy of the universe, to
their remotest and invisible causes ;
and from first accustoming me to ad-
mire, ultimately led me to explore and
understand, the works of the Creator.
From the operations of nature, he would
lead me to view the skilful agency of
art, and exhibited to my early and as-
tonished eye the amazing results spring-
ing from the ingenious combination of
both.

But while Sir Philip thus interested

himself in laying the foundation of ge-
neral knowledge in my juvenile capa-
city, he provided me with experienced
tutors in every department of science.
At the age of fourteen, I was not only
a tolerable proficient in the dead and
living languages, but in drawing a land-
scape, dancing a minuet, makiug a skil-
ful pass with the small sword, and all
the other fashionable accomplishments
of the day, I was surpassed by few.

It is true, indeed, my various ac-
complishments Avould frequently put me
to the blush ; as Mrs. Radcliife was par-
ticularly fond of making me exhibit in
the presence of the ladies and gentle-
men, who sometimes visited at Hendon
Park. Nothing could possibly be more
irksome to me than these displays of
my ability ; for, as there was a strange
admixture of volatility and seriousness

in my natural disposition, insomuch so
that I was now and then denominated
an eccentric boy, these two oppo-
sites would, at times, break out so
violently against each other, that, per-
haps, in the middle of a hornpipe, a
fencing match, or a recitation, (for, by
the way, I was also an adept in oratory,)
I should make a dead stand, like a
pointer at a covey, and all the plau-
dits of the company, and the en-
deavours of Mrs. Radcliffe to boot,
could never move me a single inch for-
w^ard.

That this had very much the ap-
pearance of a fault in my disposition,
I am as ready to allow, as I am to
deny that it really was one. If there
was a fault any where it was in nature ;
and a furnace might as well be cen-
sured for the ingredients thrown into

it for fusion, as my disposition for the
heterogeneous mixture which it con-
tained. But though I knew all this
perfectly well; and though I was well
aware of my own docility of temper,
and my readiness to oblige every one
around me, yet my friends, who could
only judge from appearances, broadly
insinuated behind my back, that I was
an obstinate blockhead. My pride felt
indignant at this unmerited imputation,
but I could not prevail upon myself to en-
ter into any explanations which might
have had a tendency to remove it.

'* Indeed, my dear nurse, I did it as
well as I could," says I, one day, to
Mrs. Radclilfe, who had begun to scold
me, as soon as we were in private, for
awkwardly thrusting my foil against
a lady's stomacher ^ and which circum-
stance had so incensed Lady Russel,

£1

that I was compelled to make a pre-
cipitate retreat. " Why could'nt you
help it, my dear Henry?" says Mrs.
Radcliffe.— " I don't know, indeed,"
says I. — *' You should pay more attcn*
tion," says she. — / says, says /, — *^ I
would if I could."

Answer me, ye connoisseurs in human
physiognomy, ye disciples of Lavater,
what passes in a woman's mind, when
she sets her teeth, and pouts her lips;
when one long, wide, and deep wrinkle
invades the natural smoothness of her
forehead, supported on each side by
a short, narrow, and shallow one ; when
her eye-brows are depressed, and her
eyes half closed and beamless, and when
her nose and the corners of her mouth
are stretched to an extraordinary length.
Are these S3'mptoms indicative of de-
light or anger ? Is it safe at such a mo-
ment to ask her for a kiss?

What, then, is there such mighty
virtue in a kiss? The reader may an-
swer the question himself. I shall go
on. *^ I would if I could/* says I ; and,
as soon as I had said it, I found I had
treated the matter with too much le-
vity. The cloud gathered on Mrs. Rad-
cliffe's brow ; and, as I had not been
accustomed to expect or experience
storms from that quarter, I felt a
strange terror in the discovery. My
heart swelled to an overflow, and
my eyes began to run over plenti-
fully. I felt something rising in my
throat, and strove to suppress it; but
the effort was in vain, and a sob escaped
from me. It was followed by another
and another ; they became more fre-
quent as Mrs. Radcliffe's countenance
became more gloomy ; until, at length,
unable to bear the distressing silence
any longer, I threw myself into her

arms, and sobbed out inarticulately —
** I can't bear your anger !"

There is sometimes a great deal of
efficacy in a very simple expression.
The effect depends greatly on the cir-
cumstances which exist at the moment.
I very much question whether Mr. Gar-
row could, with all his eloquence, an
impudence into the bargain, have made
a more successful appeal to the feelings
of a jury, than this proved to be to my
flustered nurse. A kiss sealed our recon-
ciliation ; there was a sovereign virtue in
the remedy ; and I would not have ex-
changed my sensations at that moment
for the choicest poney in Sir Philip's
stud ! Perhaps I sct a higher value on
them than they deserved ; but I was
an enthusiastic lad, and, if I did so, who
had aright to censure me?- the loss,
if any, on the balance of feeling, was
exclusively my own.

A long explanation ensued, in which
I gave my nurse an insight into my
real disposition, and the result was mu-\
tually satisfactory. It was one of these
gleams of sunshine which succeed the
clouded aspect of an April day ; it threw
such a cheering influence throughout
my breast, that I was a thousand times
inclined to thank God that I had made
such an awkward pass with my foil,
since it had led to such a happy e-
claircissement. The good effects of this
explanation did not rest here ; Mrs.
Radcliffe took especial care to inform
Sir Philip of the substance of this con-
versation ; and the latter was so de-
lighted to find he had been mistaken
in the disposition of his favourite Harry,
that he took infinite trouble to make
known, throughout our circle of friends,
that the next time I was at a fault
in any of my exhibitions, the defect

must be attributed solely to dame Na-
ture, who had committed some griev-
ous error in her formation of me.

Does the reader imagine that during all
this time I was immured in Hendon Park,
and had never once extended my wan-
derings beyond the paling which sur-
rounded it r If he does, he is griev-
ously mistaken; for, in the space of the
last twelve months, I had visited Aln-
wick and Berwick, had spent some days
in the narrow streets of Durham, and
the narrower chares of Newcastle. I had
even extended my travels westward
through Cumberland, and eastward to
the marge of the ocean. These excur-
sions had produced the same conse-
quences to me, that similar tours always
produce to similar tourists: they had added
a little to my stock of know^ledge, and
a little to my stock of acquaintance;
VOL. I. e

for, being well equipped with letters
of recommendation, the son and heir
apparent of Sir Philip Russel could not
fail to meet with a gracious reception
wherever he deigned to obtrude his very
agreeable person,

Mr. Cramp well, my tutor, who accom-
panied me on these expeditions,was a man
who had derived an intimate knowledge
of the world,from an intimate acquaint-
ance with it. To what profession be
had been educated — what had been his
habits and connections previous to his
meeting with Sir Philip, and all the ei
cetera of his early career, are really
-questions I cannot take it upon me to
resolve. One of the first maxims I
had been taught, was, the indecency
of asking concerning matters of this de-
scription; and I am ready to believe that
the reader also would not wish to sa-

tisfy his curiosity at the expcncc of his
good breeding. I hope I am not mis-
taken in supposing I shall have some
well-bred readers !

He was a man of the world; and,
like most other men of the world, he
was very much alive to his own in-
terest; and, having a free command
over Sir Philip's purse, and knowing
that I was an especial favourite, he
adopted every method to ingratiate him-
self in my favour. And this was no such
a difficult ta^k; for, a youth scarcely
fifteen is generally open to impressions,
and a man of Crampwell's experience
could easily render those impressions
favourable. He flattered my vanity;
winked at my indolence when I was
inclined to neglect my studies ; catered
well for our table; was never averse
from taking his full share in a frolic ;
c 2.

and was, in fact, just as good a tutor,
in every respect, as a young buck of
the first class could wish for. I was
not a buck of the first class, however;
but I cannot say that I felt any dis-
position to complain of his manage-
ment.

1 was not a buck of the first class, I
repeat; and yet, by some error in the
judgment of those who witnessed my
career, I obtained the distinguishing
appellation of a buckish young gentle-
man. I must confess that I have fre-
quently quarreled with the name since
I came to the metropolis ; for, al-
though, in the country, the utmost la-
titude of its meaning extends to a lit-
tle smartness of dress; no sooner does
the name come within the infection of
a London atmosphere, than it changes
its nature and appearance, loses its in-

nocence, and becomes tainted with a
thousand criminal dyes.

The only pretensions I had to buck-
ism were derived from the constant
wear of a scarlet coat, a white satiu

waistcoat, and green plush ;

and all this smart apparel was surmount-
ed by a hat of small dimensions, but
turned up on each side with a loop. Mrs.
Radcliffc had the sole management of
my dress ; and, as she was often accus-
tomed to express herself, nothing on
earth gave her so much pleasure as to
see me echpsing all the other young
gentlemen in Northumberland. I must
say that this eccentric uniform did not
exactly square with my own views;
for I had some difficulty to conceal the
pleasure I felt, every e\'ening, when I
was ordered to disencumber myself of
my finery, for I was in continual ter-

ror, while I wore it, lest a drop of
grease should discolour the beautiful
verdure of my plush .

This particularity of sjstem stfid con-
duct on the part of Mrs. RadcliiFe, only
extended to my dress ; it was an ec-
centricity belonging to her character,
but it did not render her a whit less
amiable. Who is there without an
oddity of some description or another ?
Nobody ! And I \vill maintain, let
whoever will assert t\ie contrary, that
an innocent oddity, that is, such
an one as I have described in the
character of Mrs. Radcliife, is so far
from appearing as a blemish, that it
only serves to throw a stronger lustre
upon the virtues which surround it !

Amongst the families who visited
Sir Philip, was that of Sir Ralph Did-
dle, which consisted of Sir Ralph, his

lady, a son and daughter. It is to th^
son that I wish to call the reader's at-
tention at this moment : whatever were
his parts, whether shining or dull, it
is not" to be supposed that I am yet
competent to judge y although his first
appearance was by no means prepos-
sessing. The dress of this young sprig
seemed to have been copied from mine ;
with this only exception, the green
was in the coat, and the scarlet in

the j and the loop and buttons,

which gave a dignified appearance ta
his hat, were a little farther advanced
in front than mine. In age and size
we were much on an equality ; our
rank was the same ; our fortunes were
nearly alike ; and my name was seldom
made the subject of conversatioa
without being immediately and na-
turally followed by that of young:
Diddle.

Was it unnatural for two striplings,
whom the world had connected toge-
ther, and who were in habits of daily
intercourse, in consequence of the
friendship between their families— was
it unnatural, I ask, that they should
become acquainted with each other?
1 have lost time in asking such a ques-
tions. It would have been unnatural
had it been otherwise. We were both
open, enterprising, and friendlily dis^
posed to each other. We rode out
together every morning, and an inti-
macy ensued.

Whoever looks for important con-
sequences from the early friendship of
two boys, will look for that which
Nature has never warranted ; and, con-
sequently, will be disappointed ; and
whoever expects to find any very im-
probable occurrences in these volumes,

will have to read them over more than
once ; and, when he has taken this
trouble, he may, after all, perchance,
lose his expectation. Yet there is such
a rage for improbabilities, at the present
moment, that I really should not won-
der if there may be some readers who
will hope for extravagant things ; and,
in that case, they will certainly stand
a very near chance of being extrava-
gantly deceived. I am ready to make
very low obeisances to the public ; but,
with due deference to the public, I
must reserve my very best bow for Na-
ture; who, although she sometimes makes
fantastic mistakes, is usually pretty
consistent in her behaviour, and who
seldom or never takes a delio-ht ia
making herself altogether ridiculous.

For four or five years, young Mr.
Diddle and myself continued our
c 3

fiiendly intercourse, without the in-
terference of any thing worthy of no*
tice ; but just as we reached the age of
twenty-one, it was agreed that we
should make the tour of Europe toge-
ther, accompanied by Mr. Crampwell,
■who had contrived to estabhsh himself
firmly in the good opinion of the two
baronets ; and, as I have before-men-
tioned, he was too prudent to make
himself otherwise than agreeable to his
pupils. It was accordingly settled,
that in the course of the following
week, we should take our departure for
London, preparatory to our embark-
ation for the continent ; an expedition
to which, with all the natural sanguine-
ness of youth, we looked forward as
teeming with all the joys which could
gratify the most voracious appetite for
pleasure.

The person who seemed to suffer
most at the idea of my departure, was
Mrs. Radchffe. For some years past^
she had, in a great degree, resigned
her management of me j but her advice,
at this more advanced period of my
youth, possessed the same weight, as
her commands carried with them
in my childhood. As the day approach-
ed, which was to separate us, her agi-
tation, her depression, and her rnuc-
tance to part from her darhng Henry,
appeared to gain ground astonishingly*
She was old, and I have frequently
since been puzzled to ascertain whe-
ther it was the natural weakness of
age, or her long affection for me ; but,
whatever it was, which produced the
change, her whole system underwent
a revolution, and on the evening pre-
ceding the day fixed for my departure,
her case was so dangerous, that Sir Phi*

lip, who was much attached to her,
thought it necessary to call in a phy-
sician from the nearest market-town.

I was standing at the bedside of the
venerable sufferer ; one of her burning
hands was clasped between mine ; and,
in the height of her anguish, a smile
lighted up her countenance, as I en-
deavoured to speak comfort and hope
to her. It was a picture of young im-
patience teaching resignation her duty I
In the expressive beam of her eye, I
read the struggle in her soul. A fe-
verish hectic flushed her cheek. " But
you will leave me,'* said she, in a fal-
tering voice, " and I shall see you no
more." ** Nay, nay, my best friend,'*
said I, '' we shall meet again and be
happy '* " Never," said she, " never,
my dear Henry ; a few days more, and
■ ■■ . I* ;*' she paused, and sobbed vehc-

mently. Had my life depended on an
answer, I could not have uttered a word-
Did I weep with her ?— If the reader has
studied my disposition at all, he will
not be at a loss to answer the question. — If
he had known and loved Mrs. Radcliffe
as I did, he would have ^vept, or I envy
him not his feelings . After a few moments
had elapsed, she rejoined, " only a few
days! Could you have remained until
all is over, I should have died happy."

It was enough ! If my immediate de-
parture would have saved France from
the horrors of a revolution; the Bourbon
family from degradation ; and Europe
from slavery, I would not, after this
scene, have left Hendon Park. What
were France, the Bourbons, and Europe,
to me, compared with the comforts of
this good creature, at such an interesting
moment. Had a crown been suspended

in the air, ready fitted to my head, I
would not have gone beyond the park
paling to have caught it. Mrs. Rad-
cliffe might have died while I was
crown-hunting ; and how should I have
merited the gem, who had, for its at-
tainment, rendered the last moments of
such a friend miserable !

The physician came, and pronounced
her case dangerous ! She received the
information with a smile of serenity ;
but I had no celestial philosophy to
support me : my sorrows were bound-
less.

Mrs. Radcliffe had a niece, who re-
sided in a remoe corner of Derbyshire 5
she was an orphan, and to her the wor-
thy invalid expressed a wish to leave the
little property she had saved from the
wreck of wealth. It struck me, that the

presence of this young female might
prove gratifying to her aunt. I hinted
my ideas on the subject to Sir Philip.
" Send Edward instantly for her/' was
his reply ; and in less than an hour
Edward was on the road.

The following day (the one fixed for
my departure) brought the family of the
Diddles to Hendon Park, to witness the
outset of young Diddle and myself; for,
to say the truth, (although I say it at
the expense of my character for good-
breeding,) my thoughts had been sa
completely taken up with the sufferings
of Mrs. Radcliflfe, that, from the moment
I had, at her bedside, promised to sus-
pend my journey, it had never once
crossed my recollection ; so that, con-
sequently, Sir Philip and Lady Russel,
as well as the Diddles, remained totally
uninformed of tke change which had

taken place in my intentions. Mr. Diddle
was booted and spurred for the expe-
dition.

The height, the depth, the breadth,
and the length of a man's wits are
never known to a certainty, unless he
gets into some devil of a scrape, where
it is necessary to bring them all into
requisition. At this critical juncture, I
endeavoured to ascertain with what share
nature had gifted me. I hemmed,
coughed, blew my nose, looked up to
the cieling, then down to the floor, then
out at the window; but it was all in vain,
they attended to none of my signals; — I
could not find them any where ; and I
began to think that the portion intended
for me, had, by some dreadful mistake^
been given to somebody else. I never
suffered so much in my life. " Lord
help those that have not wit enough to

keep out of scrapes," says I to myself,
" or to get out of them, when they hav^
once got in !'*

All this passed while the Diddles got
out of their carriage, and entered the
house. I was sitting with Sir Philip by
Mrs. Radcliffe's bedside, when, from the
the window, I cauglit sight of the ob-
jects which had caused me so much
agitation. A better opportunity for ex^
planation could not have offered itself.
*' As theDevirs a thief/' says Sir Philip,
(it was a favourite expression of his when
he wished to be energetic,) the Diddles
are come,and you are not ready for your
journey." Mrs. Radcliffe cast a look of
expressive anguish on me : — it deter-
mined me how to act. Taking Sir Philip
by the hand, I led him silently to the
bedside, and, pointing to the invalid,
exclaimed — " When I was in danger, she

left me not. Shall the son of Sir Philip
Russel be guilty of ingratitude ! The
delay of a few days must be immaterial.*^

" You should have thought of this
before," said Sir Philip ; " how can we
make an excuse now ?" — " By telling the
truth," I replied. He shook his head. I
began to divine what this shake ex-
pressed — it must either imply — " I am
satisfied ;" or, " I am not satisfied ;" I
took it in th^ latter sense. " I have
made a promise, sir," said I, with more
warmth than usual. — '^ To whom ?'* was
his answer. " To this dear sufferer, and
to myself; and he who is capable of
breaking a promise made under any cir-
cumstances, is but of a feather's weight
in the scale of honor and integrity."'

I had completely broken the chain of
my father's obstinacy. He endeavoured

to re-unite the links ; but the effort wa»
useless; and after making a stately
march twice the extent of the chamber,
he made a full stop close to me, fixed his
eyes full in my face, and, in a mixed
voice, ejaculated — '' Then you dont
mean to go, Harry ?" I found I might
follow up the advantage I had gained. I
took him once more by the hand. He
read my intentions, and, turning on his
his heel, rejoined — *' Well, well, stay
with Mrs, Hcdcliiff ; and I must do m V
best to pacify the Diddles." I could
have died for him at that moment.

In less than a quarter of an hour after
Sir Philip had left the room, I saw our
visitors once more driving across the
lawn. The disappointment, as I sul)se-
quently understood, was not much re-
lished by Sir Ralph and his family; but
the whole of them, with the exception of

Mr. Diddle^ tolerably well concealed
their spleen. The young gentleman,
however, muttered something to himself,
in which the words " squeamish huma-
nity,'* and " useless old woman,'* were
only distinguishable. Sir Philip was by
no means cool-tempered. He caught
the purport of Mr. Diddle's ejaculation,
and, advancing towards him, was about
to give vent to his rising choler, when
Sir Ralph, who perceived the threatening
danger, interposed, and making a very
polite reply to Sir Philip's apology, drew
away his son, and took his leave. On
reviewing the whole of this circum-
stance, I cannot help remarking, that I
appear to have got through the business
much better than I deserved ; and that
without any wonderful exertion of wit 3 so
that, after all, I may only be possessed
of a very moderate quantity of that useful
commodity.

How often is it the case, that the
contemplation of an undertaking is more
arduous than its execution ! — I cannot
help moralizing as I go on ^ but those
who dont like my moral sentences, may
easily omit them — they have no connec-
tion with my story. — I was going to il-
lustrate the observation, by detailing the
melancholy accident which lately befel
Lady FeignwelTs favourite pug, which
suddenly became affected with a dread-
ful malady, which some men have de-
signaled hy^drophobiay (although Dr. Lee
has proved that no such disorder exists,)
and the learned arguments which were
brought forward by a whole conclave of
physicians, to induce her to agree, that
the operation of drovvning should be per-
formed on this unfortunate favourite. In
reply to their first arguments, she fell in-
to hysterics : in reply to their second

but I am wandering too far. The pug

ivas drowned, and the lady endured the
event itself with more Christian philoso-
phy than she did the anticipation of it.
This confirms my position.

Mrs. RadclifFe remained in the same
state^ floating between life and death,
during the next two days; at the expira-
tion of which Miss Parker arrived. I
had prepared myself to see an awkward
girl, untutored and unaccomplished, just
such as she came out of the hands of Na-
ture. I went into the apartment of the
invalid, as usual ; but I started back on
perceiving a beautiful female sitting by
her bedside, and clasping her feverish
palm. I stammered out an apology — at
least, what was intended for one, and
was about to withdraw, when Mrs. Rad*
cliffe recalled me by exclaiming — " Dear-
est and best of friends, it is to you that
I am indebted for this unexpected plea^

sure. Maria must thank you for Ui&
both. I can indeed now die in peace/*

If she had employed any other person
to thank me, if I had not been able
to get through my part with much credit
to myself, I might, at least, have escaped
without disgrace. It was not so, however;
but let any young fellow, who reads this,
place himself in my situation ; a lovely
cherub of a girl, a second Hebe, blushing
like Aurora, bestowing all the kindness
of her kindest looks and words upoa
me; and, zounds ! lee him tell me if he
could have performed better than I did.
But how did I perform? I can't swear
to answer the question correctly, but
I will speak to the best of my recollection.

** Dear sir," says she. " Dear sir,"
says I to myself ; and as I repeated it, I
laid particular emphasis on the word

" dear." Now, gentle reader, suppose
yourself passing by a shop window,
mounted on the top of which is seated
a painter employed in his occupation — *
while you are gaping upwards, to behold
his operations, by some accident or other,
or by design, if you please, he overturns
a kettle of strong staring vermillion, the
whole contents of which inundate the
surface of your countenance. I'll be
be bound to be shot if your face
would have been dyed a deeper colour
than mine was! I could not account for
it ; and while I was attempting so to do,
I lost the remaining part of the sentence.
She naturally made a pause when she
got to the end. 1 was never at a greater
fault in my life; but I found she had
done, and I must say something. My
ideas were perplexed; " Dear sir," says
I.— — I saw I was wrong; for Mrs. Rad-
cliffe smiled, and Miss Parker blushed ! I

.ii

would have given the world, had I pos-
sessed it, to have been blessed with a good
long fit of coughing.

I advanced, took her hand, and taking
Mrs. RadclifTe's at the same moment, I
made a movement to unite them. ** It
is easier than speaking, and quite as ex-
pressive,** says I to myself. Some how
or other, however, I squeezed her hand,
and this threw me into such new confu-
sion, that, instead of placing her hand
where I intended, I let Mrs. RadclifTe's
go, and pressed Maria's to my lips. It
was altogether a mistake ; and if I were to
die, I can't tell how it happened. I know
not what other blunders I might have
committed, had not Sir Philip fortunately
entered the apartment. His presence
was like a reprieve to a malefactor at the
place of execution.

VOL. I. B

The recollection of my stupidity clung
to me the whole evening; and, when
I retired to my room, I endeavoured, but
in vain, to account for it to my own
satisfaction. After tormenting myself
with the subject, during half the night,
I dismissed it with a promise to be more
careful in future. Before I went to sleep,
however, I could not avoid once more
congratulating myself on the procrasti-
nation of my journey, since it was lik«ly
to lead to an acquaintance with a young
female, who appeared far to surpass all
those who formed the narrow circle of
my previous acquaintance.

On the following day I passed the
whole of my time in Mrs. Radcliffe's
apartment, and I had thus an opportunity
of observing Miss Parker more minutely
than my confusion on the preceding even-

ing would allow. I felt no confusion to-
day — I was not taken by surprise; and
my folly at the first meeting had too
Strongly impressed itself upon me, to
permit a repetition of it. I found her
well informed on most subjects; amiably
diffident in her manners ^ modest in her
speech j and in her dress simple without
meanness. Mrs. Radcliffe appeared to
derive the most exquisite pleasure from
her presence ; and the only circumstance
which caused me any uneasiness through
the day, was the frequency and ardour
with which my grateful nurse alluded
to my past attentions, and to a thousand
other qualities in me, which, with all the
extravagance of affection, she magnified
into virtues superior to those which
commonly fall to the lot of man. I did
all I could to check her, but in vain.

Ten days had elapsed since the one on

B 2

which I was to have taken my departure j
and my journey, and the continent, and
Mr. Diddle, were as much forgotten as
the events of fifteen years ago. My
nurse remained ill ; but the danger vv^as
overpast ; and, w^hatever she thought, she
talked less about dying. One morning,
however, I received a summons to attend
Sir Philip in his study. It was an unu-
sual thing; and, says I to myself, it
must be some unusual business which
requires it. I obeyed.

Sir Philip was walking about the
room when I entered; and, as it was my
usual custom on these occasions, I took a
brief survey of his countenance, to ascer-
tain whether its import was friendly or not.
There was thoughtfuiness without anger
upon it. It puzzled me; audi wasjust
endeavouring to find a parallel in Lavater,
when he exclaimed, in a tone of voice
more serious than ordinary—" Sit down.

Henry." All the principles of the pliy-
siognomist vanished from my mind in a
moment ; for the soul of me, I could not
recal one of them.

•* I have received a note from Sir
Ralph Diddle," my father continued,
" in which you arc concerned. You have
seen Maria frequently." — " Frequently!
oh! yes, sir," I replied. '' She is an
amiable girl," says he. " Uncommonly
so," says I. — " And will make a good
wife," added Sir Philip. — ** Nobody can
doubt it," says I. There was a gold snuff-
box lying upon the table ; it was a fa-
vourite. — I had taken it in my hand, at
the beginning of this conversation, and
was amusing my fingers, for my thoughts
had nothing to do with the business, with
wriggling the lid backwards and forwards;
— the hinges were loose. *' What the
devil can all this lead to," says I to my-

self. My father proceeded — ^^ You may
easily bring your mind to love a wo-
man.** — ** Such a woman as Maria," says
I. " Do you think so, my dear boy ?'*
says my father, starting out of his chair ;
*' then all is settled, and I'll write to Sir
Ralph instantly, that he may make his
daughter happy.'* Off 6ame the lid of
the gold snuff-box. *' The devil T* says
Sir Philip. My whole soul inwardly
echoed back the oath. For the first time,
it occurred to me, that Miss Diddle^s
name was Maria !

All my former folly and stupidity ap*-
peared as a mere nothing compared with
tins. All the blood in my body rushed
into my face ; — the contents of the
painter's vermillion kettle were, by com-
parison, a pale white, to its complexion.
Sir Philip was too much employed in ex-
amining the injury done to his snuffs

box, to observe the changes of my coun
tenance ; so that I had some time to
collect my scattered thoughts. When
they were collected, however, I knew
not how to give them effect. One mo-
ment I determined to put my father
right in the business ; but then the fear
of his anger deterred me. I knew not
what to be at.

*« What shall I say?" said Sir Philip,
laying down the box, as soon as he found
it was not altogether remediless. — "Shall
I tell Sir Ralph you will pay your re-
spects to his daughter in an hour :'' My
confusion increased prodigiously 5 but
my father mistook the cause. " I see,*'
says he, " that your joy discomposes
vou." It was nothing but an unbroken
series of blunders ! I found things grow
worse and worse j so I summoned up all
my resolution, and /e\)lied, " Really,

yny dear father, there is some strange
mistake in this business. Is it possible
you meant Miss Diddle ?"

" Why, who the devil should I mean ?*'
retorted Sir Philip—" Is the boy mad?**
I was half disposed to answer in the af-
firmative; but I thought it prudent to
refrain, although I was convinced that
many a poor fellov/ in a private mad-
house, aye,- and in a public one too, had
scarcely half so much business there as I
had at this moment. ** Sir/* says I, " I
was not thinking of Miss Diddle when I
spoke so warmly.'* " No, sir!" says Sir
Philip. He never called me sir, but
when he was most outrageously agitated.
I saw the passion of his soul working up
into his countenance ; and I would have
given the world to have been out of his
sight. It was impossible, however, to
escape. I had fallen into the scrape.

and must get out of it as \¥e]\ as I
could.

I might as well have attempted to
move a mountain, as to collect resolution
enough to explain my real meaning. I
determined to keep it to myself 3 but my
equivocation was so evident, that I had
reason to suspect Sir Philip was not en-
tirely ignorant of its cause. ** And
pray, sir," continued he, after a moment's
pause, ** may I ask of whom you were
thinking, when you spoke so warml}' r''
This question puzzled me more than
ever. I coloured, attempted to speak,
faltered, and trembled. — " I don't know,
sir, who, just at that moment 5 that is,
sir, I — I — ." " That is, sir," echoed Sir
Philip, "you don't choose to inform me.
But mark me, sir ; prepare to go with me
this evening to Sir Ralph Diddle's, and
make up your mind to be more accom--
o3

modating to my wishes." As he said this,
he cast a look of unusual sternness on me,
and, turning out of the room, left me to
my reflections.

What those reflections were, I need
not take much trouble to explain. If
there are any of my readers who have
been similarly situated, the explanation
would be altogether superfluous. If, on
the contrary, I write to those who are
ignorant of the subject, I might stand
a very good chance of being laughed at
for my extravagant folly. I may, how-
ever, gain some credit for the assertion,
that they were not of the most delightful
nature imaginable, and that I was fain
to get rid of them as soon as I possibly
could, and to make the best of my way
to Mrs. Radclifl'e^s apartment. I had no
particular reason for going there, except
to relate my stupidity to my old friend.

and to gather from her some consolation
under this new misfortune. I was not
conscious of any other motive; and if
the reader fancies that he can discover
any other, I am ready to allow him the
credit of knowing my sentiments bet-
ter than I know them mj^self. Mrs.
Radcliffe was alone. I thought I was
glad to find her so.

From the emotion still visible in my
countenance, she read the perturbed
state of my mind ; and stretching out
her hand, she kindly enquired into the
cause. I made no hesitation to ac^
quaint her with the whole of the cir-
. cumstances, exactly as they occurred.
I saw no necessity for concealment:
1 was aware of no impropriety of in-
tention. As I concluded, I turned my
eyes on Mrs. RadclitTe ; there was a
seriousness oq her countenance, of the

cause of which I was totally ignorant ;
I endeavoured to ascertain it, but the
more I attempted the more I wandered
from the point. She pressed my hand ;
drew me close to her, and with an ear-
nestness of manner which still more
surprised me, she asked me, *' And pray,
my dear Harry, whom were you think-
ing of when you agreed so completely
with your father ?" " Of Maria Parker,
to be sure !" I replied, without a mo-
ment's hesitation ; and casting a confi-
dent glance on her, as though 1 w^as
certain of approbation. Her counte-
nance instantly fell : I read sorrow in
it.

"And what shall I do?" I asked;
*' how can I go to Sir Ralph Diddle
with my father ?" Mrs. Radcliffe sigh-
ed, as she answered, " You must go, my
dear Henry ; obedience to a father is

one of the first duties.'* — " I cannot
obey him in this particular." — ** And
why not in this ?" asked she. *' Because/*
said I, and I hesitated to proceed for
some time — *^ because I do not like
Maria Diddle, and I will never do
violence to my inclination.*' — " AVould
you be equally tenacious about acting
against your father's inclinations r" she
asked, with much seriousness in her voice.
I answered instantly — ^' Ihope I should,
as I cannot suppose he would oppose
wiine." Mrs. Radcliffe looked still more
grave.

I certainly was uncommonly puz-
zled, for some time, to make out the
meaning of all these grave looks, which
came at such frequent intervals ^ at
length, however, I decided within my-
self, that she was grieved to see me
placed in such a disagreeable dilemma.
No sooner did this idea take possession

of me, than I conceived it a duty to
speak comfort to her. " Never mind,
my dear nurse," says I, " I'll be bound
to get through it somehow or other."
I w^as deceived in the effect I had an-
ticipated from this consolotary expres-
sion : no smile followed it upon her
countenance. She became more re-
served : I had never seen her so gloomy,
and I felt excessively pained. My
heart was bursting; but my pride came
to its relief, and suggested that it was
unkind in her to leave me in such a«
extremity, and to assume such a frigid
demeanor, when I had need of sympa-
thy and cheering advice. The thought
distressed me anew, and I left her
apartment unsatisfied and half angry.

I was in no disposition for company,
so I bent my steps to the siirubbery ;
and seeking the most secluded spot in

it, 1 threw myself on a rude seat, an 3
gave full vent to my feelings. Through
a narrow opening amidst the shrubs,
I saw the deer sporting on the lawn ;
the sight was agonizing to me, and I
turned away my head. ''It was not
well done," says I to myself, im^me-
diately. — '' What have tliese animals
done, that they may not, uninterrupt-
edly, enjoy their bounded pleasures?"
I could not, nevertheless, reconcile my-
self to their fehcity. My mind was in
a discordant state, and every thing
around me wore a forbidding complec-
tion. I was so out of temper with my
own thoughts, that I Avas every mo-
ment on the point of picking a quarrel
with them : they, in return, commen-
ced such active hostility against me,
that I found it absolutely impossible
to reduce them to a proper state of dis-
cipline. They were like hardened re-

l)el$, and mutinied with more violence,
the more I strove to quell them. I
don't know how long I might have
remained in this state, had not an ob-
ject of rather a diiferent complection
suddenly presented itself to my no-
tice.

There are times when the mind be-
comes so completely neutralized by
the opposing powers of certain distress^
ing occurrences, which, for the due
presevartion of the metaphor, I may
as well call acids and alkalis ; I say,
there are times when it is reduced to
such a neutral state as to be altogether
indifferent whether life or death is
tacked to the end of the next event.
I believe this is a pretty accurate de-
scription of my state just at the moment
to which I allude. I would not have
given the toss-up of a sixpence for

the choice of evils — I could have pulled
off my hat, and said *^ good bye" to
the world with quite as much indiffe-
rence as the most indifferent philoso-
pher, which ancient or modern times
have produced. When a man is in this
cue, his situation is enviable with a
vengeance !

I had just got to the end of a men-
tal soliloquy, which appeared to me
to be of no common importance, and
by way of giving due energy to the
concluding sentiment, I gave it oral
utterance. " No," says I, pretty audibly,
" if Miss Diddle had ten times the
fortune she has, which would make it
very bulky ; and ten thousand times
the beauty, which would make it
scarcely passable; may I be hanged if
ever I would consent to tell her I loved
her ! I should despise myself for such
hypocrisy."

*^ Very heroic, truly !" cxelainieci a
voice close at my elbow, which I knew
to be that of Mr. Diddle. All the alkali
in my mind was precipitated in a mi-
nute— it was no longer in a neutral
state — the acid began to ferment most
astonishingly. I never had such com-
plete command of my wits before.
** You might have chosen a more manlj
office than that of an eaves-dropper,
methinks, Mr. Diddle.'* says I. His
disposition was as full of gunpowde^.
as mine. I had lighted the train which
led to the magazine, and the explosion
pretty quickly followed. ** This lan-
guage, sir," says he, ** must be answer-
ed in another place." *' Wherever you
please, sir ;'* says I. He retorted : I
recriminated. " If you have the spirit
of a man/' says he, turning on his heel,
^' you will meet me at five this evening,
in the grove of poplars." I had uo

time for reply; he was out of sight,
before niy ears had swallowed the last
ktter of his expression.

The oddity of this occurrence, for
it must be allowed that there was an
oddity Avhich ran through it, led to a
train of thinking; aud this train of
thinking was as opposite to that from
which Mr. Diddle had roused me, as
light is to darkness. I found myself
wonderfully altered. Instead of sink-
ing a prey to listlessness, I was fired
with new energies — my mind was all
activity — my imagination was heated
like a ** burning fiery furnace." "Bravo !'*
says I : " Mr. Diddle is the best
physician for a fit of the vapours
that ever Northumberland, and all
the region southward, to boot, have
produced."

As I walked homewards, I began to
think a little seriously about Mr, Did-
dle's invitation. I was very well aware
that it was what fashionable philoso-
phers would term a call of honor ; and
calls of honor, like debts of honor,
must not be suffered to run in arrear.
I had also learned, from the perusal of
works on the subject, and from files
of precedents (e. g, newspaper reports
of trials for wilful murder, such as in
the case of Campbell, &c.) that it was
customary to take a friend and some
weapon with one. Now I can't say I
felt any particular trembhngs or terrors
at the thought of the risk I was about
to run, although, at the same time, I
could not exactly reconcile myself to
the propriety of two young men stand-
ing deliberately to shoot at each other,
because one of them thought the sister
of the other not quite so beautiful as

he might have been expected to think.
It occurred to ine, how often Mr. Did-
dle had condemned the policy of a war
commenced for territorial acquisitions ;
'' yet," says I to myself, " he seeks to
shed blood on much less substantial
grounds — on a mere question of taste,
forsooth." It couldn't be helped how-
ever; the laws of honor required that
I should meet Mr. Diddle, and, tliere-
fore, it was a proof of folly to bring
forward arguments to prove the absur-
dity of the very step I was about to
pursue.

The clock struck four as I entered
Mrs. Radcliffe's apartment. I had en-
gaged Cramp well to accompany me,
and the time was growing short. It
wa-s nearly half an hour's waU: to the
grove of poplars. My nurse was sitting
up in her bed: Maria knelt by her

side ; I saw the tears in her eyes ; at
my approach she arose, and quitted the
apartment. I felt a considerable degree
of pain at her movement, and would
have stopped her, but I wanted presence
of mind. I watched her to the door;
a sigh escaped me as I thought it was
possible I might see her no more. I
was half-disposed to be sorrowful ; but
I checked the disposition, and slowly
drew near the bedside. My arms w re
folded, and my eyes cast down.

*' You seem unwell, my dear Harry,"
said Mrs. Radcliffe. It was a tone as
tender as usual, and it relieved my de-
pression. I took her hand, and fixed
my eyes on her countenance. The
gravity, which I had previously beheld
in it, was superseded by anxiety
blended with terror. I had made no
reply to her exclamation, and she con^

tinued — '* What has happened to cause
this agitation?" I felt the necessity
of deceiving her : to speak the truth in
this instance would be cruel; " and/'
says I to myself, " surely if ever a
falsehood can be justified, it must be
when its expression originates in a wish
to increase the happiness, or diminish
the anguish, of a fellow- creature." The
position was unanswerable: I felt its
propriety and its force ; and had it been
necessary to utter twenty such untruths
as these I had framed in my mind, I
should not have hesitated another mo-
ment.

I had hesitated sufficiently long al-
ready to induce Mrs. RadclifFe to repeat
her question. I had till then been
utterly unconscious of the length of
the pause. '' My head is distracted,*'
I replied : " and I have been yery un-

well since I left you." Whether there
was any thing in my tone of voice
which betrayed its insincerity, or whe-
ther Mrs. Radcliffe*s ears were more
suspiciously on the alert than they were
accustomed to be, I cannot take it upon
me to decide; but as I finished, she
shook her head, as much as to say —
^' I don't believe you, Harry." She fixed
her eyes upon me as though she would
pierce my very soul ; I was confounded,
and felt a strong glow rising in my
cheeks. She replied, " Is that the trutb,
my dear Harry? Don*t deceive your
poor old nurse." / sai/s, says /, mus-
tering up all the firmness I was mas-
ter of, and looking on her in re-
turn as steadily as possible — " Indeed
it is/*

She appeared to be convinced so far;
" but," says she, " may not I ask the

cause of this illness ?'* Had this ques-
tion been put in a careless manner,
it would have produced but little ef-
fect; but there was a stress, an em-
phasis, laid on the /, which nearly over-
threw my resolution and philosophy
at one stroke. It was a sort of coup
dWil, and threw me into terrible con-
fusion. I rallied, however, and was
about to tell a third untruth, when
Mrs. Radcliife herself relieved me, by
adding, " I hope your indisposition
does not proceed from the reluctance
you feel to comply with your father's
wishes." I felt uncommonly disbur-
thened : I knew that I could answer
the question in the affinnative with the
most scrupulous veracity. I ^vas able
to display a smile on my countenance
as I returned — *' Indeed, my dear nurse,
that is the cause; and sooner than give
jny father any ground to encourage

VOL. I, E

hopes on that score, I would die,'* —
This was the ne plus ultra of my forti-
tude; I really sobbed with agony as I
concluded. Mrs. RadclifFe sobbed re-
sponsively , and there is a secret charm
in sympathy, which I have tasted at
subsequent periods of my life, and the
exquisiteness of which I would not bar-
ter for any other feeling to which the
human mind is liable.

The time was fleeting fast away ;
and I had still an interesting task to
perform. I had reasoned on the possi-
bility of the issue of my meeting with
Mr. Diddle being fatal to me ; and as
I had in ray possession two or three
valuable trinkets (perhaps their value
was principally ideal !) I thought it
but right to dispose of them, in the
event of my fall. My gold watch, I
had intended for Maria, and I had pre-

pared a very brief note to accompany it)
containing a request that it might not
only serve as a memorial of time, but as
a memento of him who -had bequeathed
it to her. I had occasion to take it
out of my pocket, to mark the progress
of the hour : out of my little space, I had
already squandered twenty minutes. \
had very nearly fell into a fit of mo-
ralizing, which would certainly have oc-
cupied twenty more. I awoke in time
to my danger, however, and shook off
the temptation.

" I am going out for a few hours,**
says I, appearing as cheerful as pos-
sible — " perhaps not so long — perhaps
longer. (My voice fell a little here.)
I will not take these few things with me;
pray keep them until my return." As
I said this, I put my watch into Mrs.
Radcliffe*s hands, with two or three
e2

other baubles. The note for Maria,
which explained my real situation and
motives, accompanied them. Mrs. Rad-
cliffe looked alarmed. '^ Good God i'*
says she, " arc you going into danger
then?" — *' Danger: oh no!'* says L —
** Then why this superfluous, this unu-
sual precaution?'* says she. I was puz-
zled. I had not prepared myself for
this question. I stammered, looked
foolish, and should have made some
stupid blunder; but at that moment,
my eyes fell upon the dial of the watch.
It was half past four 1 " I will explain
all when I return I" says I; and taking
her hand I pressed it affectionately, and
rushed out of the room.

Perhaps the reader may imagine that
the most painful of my business was
QV^r. If so, he is deceived ; and I
begin to suspect, what is very likely

to be the case, that he never wcrI
out to fight a duel ; or he would have
known that there are so many little
ties which hold life together; and that
every one, at bursting, causes such ex-
cess of anguish, that the business to
be executed before one goes into the
field, is ten times more arduous and soul-
excruciating than the business of the
field. It was so to me, however. I
had parted from Sir Philip in ang^r;
this wa^ agonizing in the extreme:
Lady Russel was but on a visit. I
had separated from Mrs. Radcliffe ; but
just as I was congratulating myself om
my escape from my troubles, I met
Maria Parker in the passage leading
to her aunt's apartment. I had but a mo-
ment : it was ail interesting one !

Maria blushed on seeing me, and
made a movement to avoid mej but

I was not in a mood to endure a dis-
appointment. I advanced hastily but
determinedly, and, seizing her hand, ex-
claimed in a voice of anguish, " Will
Maria fly from me, when perchance
I may see her no more ?" — " No more,
sir!" said she. Her face grew pale;
her hand trembled within mine. I read
her soul, and felt assured that life had
a value in it for me, of which till now
I was ignorant, '* I am going on a
dangerous enterprize, Maria ; but I shall
return in an hour, or never." " Never !"
echoed the sinking angel. She was
unable to support her agitation ; her
head sank on my shoulder; I pressed
my lips to hers ; and whether I had
caught the contagion before, or had
now imbibed it from her lips, I know
not; but I found out at this moment
that 1 was desperately in love. Perhaps
my reader knew this before.

It was rather an ankward time to make
a discovery of such magnitude I It is
inconceivably vexatious to find out that
a gem within your grasp is beyond
value, at the moment vou have pledged
yourself to run the chance of casting
it from you. Yet such was my situ-
ation ! Maria recovered herself a little;
and blushed more deeply than ever,
on fmding herself clasped to my bosom.
I was resolved not to lose the moment,
although generosity loudly upbraided
me for attempting to win an affection
v/hich I might not long survive to en-
joy. I once more pressed her lips to
mine, and falteringly whispered in her
ear — *' Maria, I love you !" The expres-
sion seemed to work an instant change
in her manner: she disengaged herself
from my arms, cast a look of anger
upon me, and, before I could recover
myself sufficiently to detain her, she

had rushed to the end of the pas-
sage, and liad reached her aunt's apart-
ment.

All the ties of life cracked at that
inoment, and, with the fury of a des-^
perado, I could have broken them a-
8 under, and smiled in the commission
of the deed. I could 'nt have smiled,
though, under any other circumstances.
I cast a look of unspeakable agony at
the door which had separated Maria
from my view ; a faint shriek issued
from within. I was on the point of
hastening to the spot, when Cramp*
well, who had come behind me, unob-
3erved, seized me by the arm, and, re-
minding me that I had exceeded the
time he had allowed me for my ar-
rangements, hurried me down the
stairs.

As we walked over the lawn, Cramp**
well entered in a eonversation evidently
studied to draw off my attention front-
the circumstances under which I was
placed ; but my answers were comprized
in simple monosyllables. We hastened
over the ground, and quickly reached
the spot where Mr. Diddle and a friend
were waiting for our arrival. The ground
was measured: we were as mutually
polite, a^ if we were on the point of
conferring some particular mark of fa-
vor on each other. An apology was
proposed to be made by me: but I
was not disposed to enter into any com-
promise. We accordingly took our stai-
tiond, and exchanged shots. The act
was momentary, and tlie effect instan-
taneous : we both fell. I recollected
no more, until I found myself in my
own apartment; Sir Philip watching
my recovery with paternal anxiety;
I 3

Maria weeping over me ; and poor Mrs.
RadclifFe, who was not to be restrained
from attending me, supported between
two domestics. A surgeon was dres-
sing a wound I had received in my
shoulder, and the pain of the operation
had recalled me to life.

The ball, it appeared, had passed
through piy shoulder, and forced its
way out at my back; and my state
was considered very critical, not to say
dangerous. I received no reproaches ;
every eye beamed with tenderness, even
Maria's expression was full of kindness,
and every tongue spoke of hope and
consolation. I enquired after my antago-
nist; and learned that his injury was
much slighter than mhie; his wound
was merely a flesh hurt, and a single
dressing was sufficient to remove its
inconvenience^

The surgeon quitted me, after per-
forming his operation; and Sir Philip
being called out of the room, I was
left alone with Mrs. Radcliife and Maria;
the former having been placed on a
couch by my bed-side. I extended
my hand to I\Iaria ; she gave me her's
without reluctance, and I imprinted a
kiss upon it. She blushed, but there
was no anger hi her countenance. Mrs*
Radcliffe sighed! **Can you forgive
me, Maria?" I asked : for I had sum-
moned up resolution, now that my fate
was uncertain. I added, " I could not
die in peace, unless you w^re recon-
ciled to me!"— *«0h my God!" said
Maria, with much emotion — ^' talk not.
of dying ; you have never offended me !"
— " Then," returned I, with more ener-
gy and happiness than I had felt since
she left me — *^ then it is not a crime
to love you 1" Maria hid her face with.

her hands. My right arm was at liber-
ty. I extended it, and she inclined her-
self to meet me; the movement was
instantaneous ; I drew her lips to mine,
and pressed her to my bosom. Had I
died at that moment, I should, in death,
have blessed the ball which destroyed
me, since it had satisfied me that I waa
beloved !

During this occurrence, Mrs. Rad-
clifFe had remained a silent spectator;
but when I suffered Maria to escape
from my embrace, my worthy nurse >
taking her by the hand, requested her
to withdraw. " I must have som&
conversation with Mr. Henry," says
she, " and it would be improper for
you to be present." She obeyed, and
left the apartment. I followed her to
the door with my eyes ; she stole a
hasty glance as she disappeared. I felt

no sort of pain from my wound ! I had
completely forgot the circumstance of
the duel !

A tolerably long pause succeeded the
departure of Maria. I was too pleas*
ingly occupied in drawing pictures of
hope, and in giving wings to imagina-
tion, to break the silence; and, it is
probable, Mrs. RadclifFe could not make
up her mind as to the best method of
introducing the subject ; although, had
she reflected but a single moment on
the recent occurrence which she had
witnessed, she might have sworn that
it was above all other subjects in my
mind. At length, however, she com-
menced — ** My dear Harry, it is scarcely
right to fatigue you at this moment
with conversation; but I cannot let
slip the opportunity of informing you
that Maria has communicated to mc

the verbal Gonfession you made to her
this day, as well as the contents of the
note you addressed to her. Oh, Henry,
why did you adventure on such a dan-
gerous enterprize ? How could you risk
a life so dear to us all?" She could not
proceed immediately ; her agitation was
too violent to be easily mastered, and
she burst into tears. I lay, anxiously
expecting the conclusion, but without
daring to make any reply. She con-
tinued. *' Were Maria your equal in
fortune, how happy should I be to com-
mit her happiness to one so deserving
of her : but she is poor and an orphan,
and you must forget hpr !'*

She made a stop. My mind was a
perfect chaos. I endeavoured to speak,
but in vain, my tongue was tied 3 and
such was the excess of my agitation
of body as well as soul, that my wound^

burst out; and bled anew, and I fainted,
AVhen I revived, the surgeon had suc-
cessfully applied a styptic. J\Iaria held
my hand; and Mrs. Radcliffe was iu
a state of extreme anguish. A long
pause ensued ; until the medical atten-
dant had again withdrawn. I was ren-
dered desperate by the idea that I should
lose Maria; and, grasping her firmly
by the hand, I fixed ray eyes on her's
most stedfastly, and asked — ''And is
it Marias determination to reject one
who loves her to distraction?" — " It
is necessary that it should be so !'* she re-^
plied, and the tears ran down her cheeks.
I drew her towards me, and kissed them
off; she made no resistance. The ef-
fort gave me time to collect myself.
*' Then be it so,'* I replied ; '' I have
now fathomed the depth of your af-
fection for Henry Russel. A few days
more, and he will seek iu the grave

a certain remedv for his disease !*' Mrs,
Radcliffe endeavoured ta cheer me with
hopes of recovery ; but I was deaf to her
consolations, and was about to make an
appeal to her affection, and to Maria's
love, when the door of my apartment
suddenly opened, and Lady Russel en-
tered the room.

At this visit Lady Russel behaved with
more kindness than usual; and had I
been in any other sort of mood, it would
have given me pleasure to see it. No-
thing gave me pleasure at this mo-
meat. I was as sullenly disposed to-
wards all mankind as the most gloomy
misanthrope in creation. She observed
it, ancl shortened her visit. I was so
absorbed in the contemplation of my
own feelings, that I scarcely noticed her
departure. I have frequently thought
since,, that nature had from my infancy

given me some secret information.

Bui no matter. I was myself puzzled
to account for my feelings, and 'tis fit the
reader should be so too .

*^ You wrong us much/* said Mrs^
RadclifTe, taking up the conversation
which had been interrupted by the sud-
den entrance of her ladyship. " You
entirely mistinderstand the motives by
which we are both actuated." Maria
had left the room. I began to respire a
little more freely. " Would to God/^
says I, " that I had misunderstood your
language also !'* She did not notice my
ejaculation, but went on — '' We are
greatly inferior to you in rank and for-
tune. Were we more oa an equality, to
whom could I so readily entrust Maria's
happiness? To whom could she herself
so confidently commit her future life ?"
** Then if Sir Philip could be prevailed

upon to overlook this ideal inequality, I
might be happy ?" I exclaimed eagerly.
*' He will never consent to that," vi^as
her reply. She continued— ** If it would
not fatigue you too much, I would give
you some insight into Maria's life, and
the situation which her parents filled in
society ? '« Nothing can fatigue me
which relates to Maria,** I answered i
and Mrs. RadclifFe, with something like
a smile, commenced. I turned myself on
my right side to listen ; for I was anxious
not to lose an iota of the feast about to
be served up.

« Let me see," says Mrs. RadclifFe. " /
says, says I — *« Make haste, and begin."
** Don't hurry me," says she. '' I won't,"
says I. We both fell into a fit of musing.
She was evidently occupied in calling to
mind the fleeting events of times long
since passed away y for, as sh^has oftea

told me, when we get beyond a certain
age, the memory loses that tenacity even
of important occurrences, which distin-
guishes it at earlier periods of our ex-
istence. While she was thus employed,
I was engaged in inwardly descanting
upon this inequality which Mrs. Rad-
clifFe had raised as an obstacle to my
wishes. " I dare say she was right
enough in thinking Sir Philip would ob-
ject,'* says I to myself, as I called to
mind several observations which had, at
various intervals, fallen from him on this
very subject. I fell into a more serious
train of thinking on the subject; and the
reader, if he knows how to appreciate
them properly, is welcome to my
thoughts.

Does a man of rank degrade himself
by an union with virtue, because that
virtue is without a title ? " To be sure

he does," says fashion. Does not humble
virtue debase herself by an union with
exalted vice ? " To be sure she does,"
says common-sense. Is not domestic
happiness of more importance than mul-
tiplication of wealth and addition to ho-
nors ? " Certainly," says reason. And
if a father is so indifferent to the felicity
of his son, as to seek to force him into
an uniori which his heart disapproves,
and to oppose one which his heart ap^
proves, is not a son almost justified in
pursuing his own inclinations on a sub-
ject involving his peace of mind? "Most
assuredly," says common-sense. Maria
was virtuous and amiable : I had found
out that I loved her already, and I felt
a persuasion that time would only rivet
my affection more strongly : I felt the
strength of my cause, and, in my ecstasy,
1 burst out, " Mon Dieu ! why it is as.
plain as it can be.'* Mrs. RadclifFe

started. I explained. She had collected
her thoughts, and was ready.

" My dear Harry," says she, ** I will
be as short as I can. My father was
a clergyman, and resided in Staffordshire.
He was a man greatly respected and be-
loved for his virtues : my mother was
held in equal estimation -, for she was the
friend of poverty, and the advoeate of
the oppressed. My brother George
(the father of Maria) and myself, were
their only children : we lived at home
until it was thought necessary for George
to enter upon his studies, as he was also
intended for the church. Our separa-
tion, the interval between his entrance
at Oxford, and his obtainment of a degree^
have nothing in them to recommend them
to your notice ^ but soon after the re-
turn of George, my father's death left
an opening for him in hi^ native parish.

He was appointed to the living, and my
mother and myself lived with him until
the death of the former, and my marriage
with a respectable farmer in the neigh-
bourhood. Left to himself, George found
it necessary to his happiness to seek out
for a partner in life. The youngest
daughterof a surgeon who lived next door
to him, attracted his notice and won his
affections. They were married, and
none could be more happy j until the
birth of Maria; when, in consequence of
some improper treatment, Mrs. Baker
fell into a decline, which soon terminated
her earthly felicity. My brother was in-
consolable for some months; he had
doated on his wife, and still adored her
memory. Her virtues seemed to rise
anew to his recollection, and to shine
with double lustre amidst the darkness
of the grave. For Maria's sake, however,
he endeavoured to livej but, although

young at the time when this heavy mis-
fortune assailed him, he could not over-
come the violence of the shock. It
preyed upon his spirits, weaned him
from all worldly objects ; and scarcely
had poor Maria attained her twelfth
year, before she lost her father also. His
living went from him at his death. It had
been barely sufficient to provide the
comforts of life^ it could accomplish no
superfluities, and Maria was left with no
other fortune but her budding beauties
and her virtues. Her mother's family
took her home, and treated her with the
utmost affection, and had not the death
of my husband left me destitute, soon af-
ter Maria's birth, she should never have
wanted an asylum. The death of her
grandfather, however, rendered her home
less comfortable ; she was treated with
the distance and coldness of a servant,
instead of the warm affection she had

been accustomed to receive, and was
compelled to submit to all the drudgery
of the most abject meniah Fortunately
for her, her father had devoted the prin-
cipal part of his time to her education j
and it was not time lost : she improved
wonderfully under his affectionate eye ;
and, while her grandfather lived, she
was not suffered to lose any thing she
had previously gained. At his death the
hope of farther improvement, except such
as would result from her own unaided
efforts to accomplish it, was entirely
clouded. Oftentimes have I wept over
the strain of melancholy resignation
which ran through her letters to me,
and have lamented that my dependant
situation prevented me from offering her
a refuge more suitable to her merits.
Your goodness, however, has rendered
my wishes complete ; and if nothing
should occur to mar our happiness.

through this unfortunate attachment of
yours, the remainder of my days will be
passed in a degree of serenity which I
scarcely deserve. I pray God, my dear
Harry, you may overcome this senti-
mentj for Sir Philip can never consent
to see his son united to one so destitute
of wealth and rank as my poor Maria.**

" He will consent,'* said I warmly ;
" he will never seek to render his son
miserable!" She shook her head. No-
thing on earth could so soon destroy the
equilibrium of my feelings as this. I
would rather have encountered all the
arguments she could have brought for-
ward, than one single shake of the head.
It was unanswerable ; for it always oc-
cupied so much of my time to discover
its exact meaning, that before I had found
it out, the time for an answer was gone
by. It was just so in the present in-

VOL. I. r

stance. She saw my confusion , and,
after some pause, she answered — " He
will never consent!'* The expression
rouzed me in a moment. I saw that to
let this idea establish itself in her mind,
would prove fatal to my hopes. " I am
satisfied he will consent,'* says I, raising
any voice; and seeing Mrs.RadclifFe make
a movement, which indicated another
shake of her head, I added with new
energy — ^^ On my soul, he will !" " I
wish he may !" says Mrs. Radcliffe — " I
wish he may, my dear Henry 1" " He
shall consent," says I; "or by the

Creator of the universe, I swear to ."

Here we were interrupted.

There was no opportunity to renew
the subject during the day; so that I
had leisure to give full scope to my
thoughts. The thoughts of a lover dis-
play such ahodge-podge ofheterogfineows

matter, that, to detail them with any de-
gree of accuracy, would occupy so much
time and space, and would require such
a minute and complicated detail ; and
would, after all, present such a wild
assemblage of nonsense to him who
should peruse it, that I really must beg
leave to decline a recapitulation of
mine during this day. He who has
been in love may guess them 5 and to
him who has not, the description would
be about as comprehensible as algebra to
a Highland piper, or rules of integrity
to a chancellor of the exchequer. It
might be denominated — ^' Chaos once
again," — " Confusion worse confound-
ed,*' — " Darkness visible ;'* — or any other
appellation might be applied to it, which
conveys the idea of an impenetrable
phalanx of waving ideas, and uTeconcile-
able discord. I don't know whether the
reader can enter at all into my meaning j
F 2

100

€n reviewing the sentence, I find some
difficulty in making it intelligible to
myself.

On the next day, I was alone with Sir
Philip ; my wound wore a more favour-
able appearance — my mind was somewhat
more composed—and, withal, my father
seemed in a better temper than usual,
since the misunderstanding about Miss
Diddle. " I'll try what I can do," says
I to myself; so turning myself towards
his chair, I began to cogitate in what way
I should begin ; ^vhen he saved me any
farther trouble, by introducing the sub-
ject himself. " And of whom was it now,
Henry," says he, *' that you were think-
ing, when we conversed respecting Miss
Diddle ?'* I had wound up my mind
to a pitch of resolution, which fitted
me for any thing. " Of Maria Parker,
my dear sir," says I, without hesitation.

101

and continuing — '^she is as amiable as she

is beautiful." " And as impudent as

she is poor," retorted Sir Philip — '* or she
never would have dared to think of the
son of Sir Philip Rassel."

All my blood rushed into my face, and
as it galloped through my veins, it
boiled at such a confounded rate, that I
thought it v/ould have cooked me as
completely as ever was cooked a boiled
leg of mutton. I could not — I dared not
venture to speak; for I knew if I did, I
must have resented the insult ; so I
contented myself with gnashing my
teeth, foaming at my mouth, distending
my nostrils, knitting ray brows, and
clenching my hands. — I do not remember
that I was ever in such a passion before.
But the worst of all was, after I had
adopted all those silent methods of work-
ing off my fury, that I found myself in

102

the very act of letting a long and loud
groan escape from me, which had been
a long time labouring up from my lungs ;
and this *' long and loud groan** was
still more unfortunately followed by an
exclamation of " Good God !'*

This was quite enough to irritate Sir
Philip to the extremest degree; and
certainly it was a very great proof of
arrogance and undutifulness in me to
groan and say " Good God!** but I was
not in my sane mind at the moment, or I
most assuredly should never have com-
mitted such a breach in my duty, lie
appeared to be quite cis much reduced
to his shifts as I was to conceal the ex-
tent of his passion: but, after a short
pause, he continued — " I'll turn the
insolent baggage into the street this
moment for her presumption, and her
aunt with her for encouraging a dispo-

103

sition so degradingly insulting to me and
my family.'*

*' Stop, sir," says I, as soon as I could
make up my mind to speak, which was
not until I saw him in the very act of
ringing the bell for a servant to convey
his commands to Mrs. RadclifFe. He
rang the bell, and returned. '^ You have
unjustly accused Mrs. Radcliffe and her
niece, sir," I continued;—** they have
both resisted my inclinations, in conse-
quence of our inequality ; and Maria has
declared her resolution never to listen to
me, unless your consent is previously
obtained." Sir Philip's brow relinquished
two or three wrinkles. — *' And you have
consented to give up all thoughts of this
girl?" replied Sir Philip. The servant
entered the apartment at this critical
moment, when his master's phrenzy had

somewhat subsided " I don't want you

now," said Sir Philip, and the man made

104

his exit. My father repeated his expres-
sion, in the form ef a question. " I have
not, Sir Philip,'' said I, with a good deal
of firmness; *^ nor can I for an instant
imagine that you would either restrain
and resist your son's inclinations on this
subject, any more than you would force
them into a channel contrary to his
wishes."

I saw the moment was an unfavourable
one, and that ail my labour was lost.
The expression of his eye informed me
that I knew nothing at all about the
matter, if I believed that he would not
oppose my views. I never saw so much
fury and resolution in his countenance.
" You are mistaken, sir," says he ; " you
must either renounce this girl, or I will
renounce you." — " May God renounce
me when I do!" says I; and without
giving him time to reply, I continued —
*' Is there, my dear father, a higher or

105

more illustrious trait in the female
character than the virtue which, like a

diamond of the first magnitude ."

" Don't talk to me of diamonds of the
first, magnitude, you ungrateful rascal,"
retorted Sir Philip_"as sure as the devilV
a thief, you shall renounce this girl !" I
remained obstinatii, however ; and Sir
Philip grew more enraged, and quitted
the apartment, determined to send Maria
out of his house immediately. As he
disappeared at one door, Maria entered
at the other.

She was seeking her aunt, and not
finding her, was about to return, when
I called to her, and requested a mo-
ment's conversation. She drew near to
me. I told her what had passed ; in-
treated her not to forget my affection,
which would, one day or another, tri-
umph over all obstacles, and pressing a
ring upon her finger, which contained
F 3

106

my hair, and which my father had given
to me the evening before our misunder-
standing on the subject of Miss Diddle ;
and which ring, as I afterwards under-
stood, was intended to be presented by
me to this very identical Miss Diddle.
— 1 say, pressing this ring upon her
fmger, I embraced her, intreated her to
leave some token of alTection for me with
her aunt, and we parted. My whole soul
seemed to go with her.

On the next morning, Mrs. Radcliife
was brought into my apartment. I ob-
served that her eyes had been overflow-
ing; the traces of tears marked her
cheeks. God forgive me for my thoughts
at this moment, for they were by no
means kindly disposed towards my fa-
ther. I contemplated him as the author
of many miseries yet unknown ; and I
began to suspect that I loved him less
than I did two days since.

107

Mrs. RadcliiFe felt for me, I saw it;
and my love for her increased prodi-
giously. I asked her to relate to me
the particulars of what had taken place
since I saw her. She complied, and
informed me that, when Sir Philip left
me, he soon went to her apartment,
where she was sitting in her bed, ac-
companied by Maria. He appeared to
be violently agitated, and charged them
with weaning away his son from his
duty, and endeavouring to seduce his
affections. It was in vain that Maria
with tears asserted her innocence, and
that Mrs. Radcliffe appealed to her past
services as an instance of her fidelity ;
he was not to be pacified, until he
had extorted from Maria an oath never
to marry me without having previously
obtained his consent to the union. The
amiable girl consented to the required
stipulation, and he immediately cooled
on the business, and ^ave them the

108

cottage to which they were ordered to
repair, on condition that they should
confine themselves there, in order that
I might have no opportunity to re-
new a connection so disagreeable to
him.

" And will not Maria see me again?"
I asked in an accent of desperation.
Mrs, RadclifFe answered in the nega-
tive, adding — '' She considers it most
prudent, since she has taken the oath,
to absent herself entirely from you,
and to discountenance a passion which
can only lead to your mutual misery."
I know not what I answered ; my head
ached most violently ; my brain was dis-
tracted ; I was scarcely sensible of the
presence of any one, for several mi-
nutes ; but, when I became more com-
posed, I found myself once again blessed
with the presence of Maria, She had

109

passed the door, at the moment when
I was so suddenly unmanned ; and hear-
ing her aunt give a faint scream, she
had rushed into the room, and was now
standing by my side. Her presence was
a cordial to my spirits : I attempted
not to shake her from her vow : I only
asked her not to bestow her aifectiou
hastily; but to wait until I could bring
about circumstances, more propitious
to my wishes. She gave me hopes, I
pressed her lips to mine. It was a
degree of perfect bliss in the midst of
misery.

I saw no more of Maria nor of Mrs.
Radcliffe after this interview. They
left Hendon Park on the following day,
and Sir Philip was the first to announce
to me the news of their departure. I
was prepared for it; and the recollec-
tion of ^laria's behaviour at the last

110

had so exhilarated my spirits, that I
received the information without any
apparent anguish, although I certainly
felt an inward pang. " And now,
Henry," said my father, " I hope you
will be prepared to accompany me, as
soon as your wound is healed, to the
metropolis, as I wish you immediately
to set out on your tour of Europe."
*^ Yes, sir," says I, and a pause ensued.
My thoughts were wandering through
a different channel, and two mono-
syllables were as much as he could
expect. '* You must think no more
of this girl," he continued. '' Yes, sir,"
says I. "Yes, sir!" said he, "what
the devil's Yes, sir?" " Did I say Yes,
sir?" says I. "Is the boy madr" re-
plied my father. " Sir !" says I, look-
ing earnestly in his face. And thus
ended our conversation, for Sir Philip
bolted out of the room, like a bullet
from a gun.

Ill

The bellows of the lungs (and we
have certainly high authority for asser--
ting that the lungs are worked by bel-
lows) are generally put in motion by
the presence and oscillation of the ideas
whieh surround them; but there are
certain times when these bellows ope-
rate of their own accord, and set the
tongue to work, without the aid or pri-
vity of the ideas at all. This was ex-
actly my case, when Sir Philip con-
versed with me; and fortunate it was
for me that my ideas did not meddle
with the business at all, for in that
case, it is questionable, and perhaps
it may be so with my readers also, whe-
ther I should have escaped so easily
as I did. This proves to my satisfaction,
that the ideas are sometimes too offi-
cious, and tliat they oftentimes obtrude
themselves into notice, very much to the
detriment of their possessors.

112

*^ But I will think of Maria!" said
I to myself, when I found I was left
alone ; *' and I will not only think of
her, but I will one day or another take
her to my arms ; my bosom shall be
her sanctuary from the storms of life ;
when she weeps I will kiss off her tears ;
and when she smiles, I will partici-
pate in her pleasures. She shall be the
rose to ornament my youth, and the
balsam to soothe my age. I will love
her and cherish her, in spite of all op-
position, and her affection shall be my
reward !" I had worked myself up to
such a pitch during this soliloquy, that
I had risen perpendicularly in my
bed, and I might have proceeded much
longer, had not a blow, which I struck
my head against the corner of the tes-
ter, put an abrupt end to my reverie.
" *Twas a fit of enthusiasm !" says I,
audibly, and with the utmost compo-

113

sure I laid me down to sleep, after
adjusting my night-cap, which had been
put a little out of order by the agi-
tation into which I had hurried ray-
self.

1 have suffered my pen to move very
leisurely through the events of the last few
days; indeed, on a retrospect of the
numerous pages I have devoted to them,
I am half inclined to wonder how I
have contrived to dwell so long upon
them : they were interesting to me at
the time, however; they are interest-
ing to me now ; and their interest
will endure as long as life itself. But
I will dip deeper in the ink hereafter,
and put my quill into a canter, for
I have much ground to go over, and
unless I move with an accelerated mo-
tion, I shall be obliged, among my other
duties, to pray that Heaven will endue

114

my reader with a few more scruples
of patience than generally fall to their
share.

The lapse of a fortnight sufficed to
cure my wound, and to restore, in a
very considerable degree. Sir Philip's
usual good temper^ if Maria had re-
mained at Hendon Park, it is possible he
might not have recovered his cheerful-
ness for twelvemonths. I suppose he
fell into the common error of think-
ing, that, since he had removed the cause
of his uneasiness, he had also obliterated
the image of perfection from my mind.
We are all very ready to deceive our-
selves, and while we derive pleasure
from deception, what ill natured cynic
will dare to say that deception is al-
together without its use. I wish to Heaven
I could check this moralizing dispo-
sition of mine. I shall tire out some

readers with the length of variations,
and it is two to one if the tenor of
some of them does not disoblige many-
others.

My father was prepared to conduct
me to the metropolis j and I had no
inducement to render me particular!/
anxious for delay. I therefore made my-
self ready with all decent expedition ;
that is, as soon as I had prevailed upon
my tailor to substitute some new appa-
rel for the fine showy uniform to which
I had been accustomed ; and the morn-
ing fixed on for the commencement of
my journey at length smiled on us. I
went to my Lady Russel to take my
leave ; but, to my great surprise, I met
her at the door of her apartment, ha-
bited in a travelling dress. *' Mon
Dieu !" says I, starting back with asto-
nishment in my countenance. Her lady-
ship looked angry. I saw she was dis-

116

pleased, and, having had tolerable com-
mand over my wits since Maria had
left us, I instantly added, " I was by
no means prepared for this pleasure.
I had anticipated a dull and tedious
journey. How happy am I to fmd my-
self deceived !'* It was but an awkward
essay, and it was awkwardly delivered ;
but it produced the desired effect. Her
ladyship looked very kindly on me^
and extended her hand, desiring me to
lead her to the breakfast room j adding
— *' Indeed, my dear Harry, you look
the more interesting from your con-
finement." I pressed her hand to my
lips, thanked her for her compliment,
and conducted her down the stair-case.

It was a beautiful morning when we
took our leave of Hendon Park ; and
as the carriage rolled beyond the boun-
daries of the lawn, I could not avoid
casting a " lingering look behind,'* at

117

a spot which had been to me the
scene of such complicated occurrences.
I sighed, as the mansion gradually re-
ceded from my view, and fell into a fit
of musing. Nay, do not start, gentle
reader -, my musings on this occasion I
shall keep to myself. If you have pe-
netration enough to guess at their na-
ture, you are welcome to enjoy the
fruits of your discrimination; if not, you
must, for the present at least, remain
altogether in the dark on the subject.
I shall only tell you that the fit continued
while we passed over a space of forty
miles to the town where it was deter-
mined we should dine, and it had so com-
pletely occupied my mind, that I cannot
tell, from any thing I saw, whether we
had been driving over barren heaths or
a fertile landscape. Those who know any
thing of the country between Hendon
Park and Durham, know more about it
than I do.

118

About noon of the fourth day we came
within sight of the metropolis. I should
have felt tired to death with the length
of my journey, had not the " pleasures
of imagination" acted as an antidote to
the tedium of such a protracted coach-
imprisonment. The bustle and varied
gaiety of the streets, however, broke
the chain of my thoughts, and de-
stroyed my moralizing mood. I had
enough to do to stare about me, to
wonder at what I saw, and a thousand
other employments, in which, wonderful
to relate, my mental and bodily faculties
most heartily participated. After a re-
sidence of a few days, the novelty of
the scene wore off, and my thoughts
returned into their old channel. Maria
reigned supreme.

If I were here to introduce all the
minutia of a fashionable career, and to

119

dissertate on the follies, the dissipations.,
and the et cetera of the metropolis, I
might easily fill up my volumes, and,
after all, tell the reader nothing with
which he has not been previously made
acquainted, either by very woeful expe-
rience, or by an equally woeful perusal
of the novels which assume to throw
light on the subject. Besides, the amuse-
ments which presented themselves to my
view, were not of sufficient import-
ance to excite any interest in my mind ;
and I have made a vow (the reader may
call to mind that I am given to swearing)
only to dwell on topics which are, in
some degree, interesting.

My father wished to hasten my depar-
ture to Dover, thinking, no doubt, that
when once I was fairly landed in France,
there would be little danger of my falling
into the way of Maria. I certainly did

120

not feel anxious to leave my native
country in such extreme haste ; as I had
been eagerly expecting a reply from
Mrs. Radcliffe to a letter which I had
written her some days before. It came ;
but its contents added to the pangs I
had already felt at the separation betwixt
us. Sir Philip had exacted a promise
from her not to encourage nor permit
any correspondence with me; and the
good old lady, after'assuring me, that, to
Maria, as well as herself, my happiness
would ever be inexpressibly dear, re-
commended me to think only of my be-
loved girl as a friend whom circumstances
and not inclination had snatched from
me. I was more outrageous than ever
on perusing this letter. — I refused to see
any person, except my servant; although
more than once I was urged by my anger
to go to Sir Philip, and upbraid him for
his unfeeling behaviour. It was un*

121

feeling both towards his son, and two
amiable females, whose only crime
was their superiority to the rest of their
sex ! I say, it was unfeeling ; and al-
though I would be the first to vindicate
my father from unjust aspersions, and
to set out his virtues in the fairest ar-
ray, I will never defend his conduct, on
this occasion, to my Maria.

I replied instantly to Mrs. RadclifTe's
letter — it was an answer in the dicta-
tion of which love and indignation bore
equal shares. I bitterly complained of
Sir Philip, and treated every attempt to
wean my affections from Maria as in-
effectual. " Am I a child," said I, " that
the nature of my affections is to be
altered at the will and pleasure of an-
other ? Have I no feelings to gratify —
no heart to palpitate with delight — no
bosom to respond to the thrilling touch

VOL. I. G

122

of love ? Am I but as an animated
statue, fixed on a pivot, and liable to
be turned to and fro at pleasure, by him
who is possessed of the secret spring ?
I am neither a child nor a statue : I have
feelings as men have them, and I have
a resolution to pursue that which tends
to my happiness, as a man ought to
have/'

I did not make this extract as a spe-
cimen of any thing very fine. It is nei-
ther my wish to astonish nor to delight
those who may read it: I give it as af-
fording an accurate portrait of the tem-
per of mind in which I wrote : it was
a letter, strong without violence, and
calculated to impress upon those to
whom it was addressed the firmest con-
viction of the rootedness and invariabi-
lity of my feelings. I sent it on the
next day, and I felt assured there was

123

no impropriet/ in my conduct, when I
felt the pure glow of pleasure which
warmed my heart, as I called to mind
the expressions of unalterable aflfection
which I had thus conveyed to Hereford-
shire.

I had a lock of Maria*s hair in my
hand. She had put it into my hand at
our last interview. It was dearer to me
than I can express. As I gazed on the
unconscious token, I repeated to it the
vows which I had previously made to
heaven. There was nothing particular
in the scene; nor would the circum-
stance have proved worthy of this im-
portant notice, but for the event to
which it gave rise. I say, I had this
lock in my hand : it is very probable I
was in the act of pressing it to my lips,
which I was frequently accustomed to
do — when Sir Philip, who had entered
G 2

124

tny room unperceived by me, as my
thoughts were fully occupied, as well
as all my bodily senses, in paying ho-
mage to this invaluable gift, passed his
hand over my shoulder, and with a loud
exclamation of anger, made a movement
to snatch it from me. I was aware of
his intention, however, before he had
time to accomplish his purpose; and^
starting from my chair with more rapi-
dity than generally characterized my
actions, I overturned my seat, which un-
fortunately struck him violently on the
shins. Had I studied ever so much to
feed his rage against me, I could not
have succeeded more effectually. I
perceived by his countenance, that it
was attributed to my impudence, undu-
tifulness, and malignity. He could not
have spoken more plainly, had he se-
lected the strongest language. His ey^s
told me enough !

125

There is no doubt, had I been ia the
perfect possession of all my faculties at
this moment, that I should have instantly
commenced a retreat, without waiting to-
see what the next circumstance would
be. But really my wits were all sus-
pended with disma\% when 1 saw Sir
Philip dancing about the room, rubbing
his shins, and displaying more agony in
his countenance than a malefactor on
the wheel ; and it was surely enough
to suspend the wits of any son who had
inadvertently been guilty of such a mis-
liap to his father* " Good God, sir!"
says I. It was the second time I had
said ** Good God" to him in the course
of my life, as the reader may, perhaps,
recal to his recollection. The occasions,
it is true, were somewhat different. In
the first instance the expression escaped
from me after he had wounded my feel-
ings ; in the second, it was uttered after

126

I had wounded his -, and this proves to
a demonstration that " Good God !**
may be applied to very opposite pur-
poses. I beg just to remind the reader
that these ideas did not occur to me at
the moment the accident took place —
my mind was then, he may rest assured,
in a very different disposition ; but it is
now ten years after this event, when the
impressions made upon me by the sight
of my father*s angry countenance, have
been nearly obliterated, and wheii time
has cooled the ferment in my bosom —
it is now, that I am enabled to sit down
temperately, and relate circumstances
which agitated me most strongly with a
composure which it would have been
unnatural, na}^ even impossible, to have
displayed, while the interest and emotion
which they created vi^ere at their height,
and while it required the combined efforts
of all the little wits I had to weather the
storms which assailed me.

127

While Sir Philip was capering about
the room, (I beg pardon for treating the
matter so lightly,) he did not suffer hi&
thoughts to be imprisoned in his bosom ;
and if every appellation which he in the
height of his fury did me the honour to
apply to me, had been merited by me, I
dare say that very few men would have
to boast of more numerous qualities of
mind, or more varied nominal distinc-
tions. I refrain from particularizing the
epithets 5 they were such as most men
in similar situations would have used,
and in equal profusion. The greatest
stoic which the world has ever produced,
eould not have borne such a blow on his
shins patiently.

" I'll give myself no more trouble
about you," cried Sir Philip, as soon as
the pain of his hurt began to subside —
" Not contented with insulting me with

128

your shameful obstinacy, you must also
conspire against my life. Tell me in-
stantly, sir, whose is the lock of hair to
which you were paying such ardent de-
votions?" I was no longer disposed to
equivocate ; Sir Philip liad been informed
of my real sentiments respecting Maria,
raid I had no motive for concealment,
since this disclosure had taken place.
" Sir," says i, *' 1 am grieved at the ac-
cident which has taken place. Be as*
sured it was altogether inadvertent."
•' You lie, you rascal !" interrupted Sir
Philip, rubbing his shins with both
hands : " you lie, I tell you. But never
mind : answer the question I asked you.
I say, whose lock of hair^ — " I didn't
sufier him to conclude the question a
second time. — ** Maria Parker's, sir,"
says I, in a respectful tone of voice.
** And will you have the impudence to
tell me so, after you have heard my de-

129

termination respecting that hussy?" —
" Hussy, sir !" says I. — " Yes, Sir, hus-
sy I" says he. — / says, says I — " With
all due respect to you, sir, as my fa*
ther, I think you might have found a
name better suited for such an amiable
girl." It was a very bold speech for
me; but I had in many instances lately
caught myself making bold speeches,
without considering once what might
be the consequences which would result
from them, or how I should get through
them.

For instance, I was one evening sit-
ting in a coffee-house. — " Sir," says a
gentleman, addressing himself to me,
** the Irish Catholics are a blood-thirsty
set of villains, and our Government is
right in keeping them under." Sir,"
says I, " you have been misinformed on
the subject." Now, this was a very bold
g3

130

reply to a stranger, and so it proved in
its effects. " Blood and ouns !" says
the stranger, (I didn't know the exact
meaning of the expression at the time,
but I have since understood it to be a
very ungentlemanly oath ;) " Blood and
ouns!" says he, drawing himself two
or three inches nearer me, *' that is to
say, I tell a lie. I'll have instant satis-
faction !" I stared ; for I was conscious
I had no such an ill-bred intention as that
imputed to me. Before I could reply,
however, he handed me over a card, of
which the following is an exact copy —

TIFFIN,

BUG-DESTROYER

HIS MAJESTY.

No Street,

^eoceccoeceeec e e e cceeeooeeceojgl^

131

" Really, sir," says I, " I don't under-
stand you, I have no occasion for a gen-
tleman of your profession at present. —
** Your card, sir !" says he — " you gave me
the lie.** I had never till now been called
upon for a card; and as I was fresh from
the country, it is not to be wondered at
that I had neglected to provide myself
with such a commodity. " I have no
card," says I, " nor did I intend to
give you the lie." My opponent was a
man nearly six feet in height, and had as
ruffianly an aspect to recommend him,
as any one of his height in the metro-
polis. I was scarcely five feet five. Pre-
suming upon this disparity, I suppose,
he had thrown all the fury in his compo-
sition into his countenance, in order to
s^trike terror into my bosom. I was not
easily alarmed. I answered him in a mild
but determined tone of voice; there was
something in it which told him I knew

132

little of fear. Whether it was the result
of his penetration, or in consequence of
of my reply, I knew not, but on a sud-
den he dismissed the fury from his looks,
and assuming an air of suavity, returned',
— " That's an apology ! very well, sir,
as you seem conscious of your error,
I'll look over it this time!" While I
was endeavouring to digest this curious^
answer, in order to prepare something
equally digestible in return, the gentle-
man disappeared. I had learnt from th'^
occurrence something which was new ti)
me before, namely, that in the modern
acceptation of the phrases, to tell a maji
he had been misinformed, is to give him
the lie, and to say that you had no inten-
tion to give him the lie, is to make an apo-
ogy. I was determined never to speak
so boldly again, lest I should fall into
the hands of another bug-destroyer, and
he should think proper to exercise his
calling upon me.

133

I have only introduced this digression
to prove that I was sometimes in the
practice of making very bold speeches
without thought ; but it was not my case
alone. " With all due respect to you,
as my father, sir," says I, *' I think you
might have found a name better suited
to such an amiable girl." It was once
more applying a match to a mine.
" Sir," says he, stamping as he spoke,
" sirrah, I ought to say, I shall apply
to her such a name as I choose, and I
know none better fitted to her." " You
will at least, sir, I hope, allow me the
fast privilege of leaving the room while
you speak so disrespectfully of her !"
As I said this, I coolly walked out of
the apartment, before Sir Philip could
sufficiently recover from his surprise to
detain me.

I did not expect the matter to rest

134

here— -shall I say more ? I did not wish
it ! I resolved, when I had given time
to Sir Philip's shins to get easy, and his
temper to get cool, I resolved, I say, to
renew the subject merely for the purpose
of convincing him that my love for
Maria was unalterable, and that, come
M4iat would, I would never pay those
attentions to another, which, after what
had passed between that amiable girl
and myself, were only htr due. I
should have acted with duplicity had I
acted otherwise s and I chose rather to
incur the imputation of iiiifilial obsti^
nacy, than that of hypocrisy. I knew
that on my firmness at this moment
might depend much, very much, per-
haps the whole of my future happiness,
and I had too much firmness in my
disposition to hesitate under such cir-
cumstances.

Until the next day, however, 1 had

135

no opportunity to see Sir Philip alone.
I met him at the meal times in company
with Lady Russel, and some friends,
(for we scarcely ever sat down to table,
without being favoured with the pre-
sence of some half dozen fashionable
acquaintances,) and even there he had
some difficulty to master the violence
of his feelings, when he was constrained
to speak to me. The observations I
made upon this behaviour did not
greatly tend to raise my hopes as to the
result of the explanations into which I
had made up my mind to enter, on the
first opportunity.

Sir Philip and I dined tSte-a-tite on
the following day, Lady Russell hav-
ing gone to a party in the neighbour-
hood. During the whole of the meal,
ah unbroken silence was preserved on
both sides. Now and then I stole a

136

glance at Sir Philip, but there was
nothing encouraging in the contem-
plation of his visage. The cloth was
removed ; not a word passed. Sir
Philip even omitted his customary
*• grace after meat," because he would
not suifer me to hear his voice. The
wine was placed on the table, and the
servant withdrew. Sir Philip filled his
glass ; I followed his example, and,
fixing my eyes on his countenance,
*' Your health, sir,'* says I. He at-
tempted to sit still, but it was out
of his power ; and, after shifting his
chair half a dozen times, he burst out,
*' I won't thank you ! you don't wish
it, you dogj you don't 1" ''As sincerely
as I wish for my own, sir," says I ;
^* and, indeed, more so, for since I
have been so unfortunate as to offend
you, my life is not the most enviable
in the world." The tears rushed into

137

his eyes, in a moment: he became more
uneasy j but as he endeavoured to con-
ceal his emotion, he rephed, *' You
don't care about offending me; you
would kill me, if you dared, that you
niio'ht marry this oirl." ^< I am not ca-
pable of sucli conduct, sir," I replied.
'' May your life be continued as long
you yo-urself continue to enjoy it,
whatever my situation may be."

He could not resist any longer; his
anger was melted down in a moment.
Sir Philip had a heart superior to the
hearts of the majority of mankind :
it was as susceptible of amiable sensa-
tions, and of the tender weaknesses of
nature, as any heart which ever came
from the hands of the Creator. But
his temper was violent, and he was un-
fortunately so bigoted to family pride,
that his native goodness, surrounded

138

and concealed beneath such impene-
trable dross, was hard to be found out.
Even when he had done most to cross
my hopes, and to set together by tlic
ears all the vile passions in my bosom,
I could not at intervals avoid making
excuses for his conduct, and turning
my eye to the brightest parts of liis
character. I beheve he loved me with
the truest affection, and I must have
been most ungrateful not to love him
in return.

" Well, well, Harry,'* said Sir Phi-
lip, "you must consent to forget this
Maria Parker, and we shall then find
no further cause of dispute. Had he
required any other sacrifice at my
hands, I could have freely made it ; my
heart was most kindly disposed towards
him ; but the instant he named the
severe stipulation, all my affection for

139

him might have been comprised in a
nutshell. It withered in a moment.
I was too hurt to make a reply ; the
glass of wine which I held in my hand
was half wasted upon the table ; my
eyes ran over : I felt a sickness within
me ; and, leaning back in my chair,
1 actually gasped for breath. Yet
with all this visible emotion, I was
not sensible of any excruciating ex-
cess of agony — my feelings, on the
contrary, appeared to be entirely
suspended; every faculty seemed to
have made a pause in the exer-
cise of its functions; my memory, my
ideas, every thing, seemed to have
caught the same infection.

Sir PhiHp saw my emotion, but he
deemed it most politic to let it pass
over without any apparent notice ;
and when I had somewhat recovered

140

myself, calling up considerable cheer-
fulness into his countenance, he re-
filled the glass which I had almost
emptied, and endeavoured to turn the
conversation to some more trivial sub-
ject. My sharp and incoherent an-
swers, however, were too particular
to remain unobserved. His tone gra-
dually became less affectionate ; he
grew more reserved ; until, at length
wearied beyond endurance by my con-
tinued perverseness, he exclaimed —
'* Tell me, sir, what has caused this
sudden change in 370ur manners ?"

"Sir," says I; and 1 gathered reso-
lution after I liad commenced — " were
I to act hypocritically, you would
despise me as much as I should despise
myself. I should be altogether un-
Avorthy of your aifection. 1 never caa
forget Maria Parker y ^vs long as life

141

continues, her image must be dear to
me beyond all other earthy objects;
and the vows which I have made to
Heaven must retain their force." —
"*^ Sir," says Sir Phih'p, interrupting* me
with his usual intemperance when we
conversed on this subject, ^^you have
surely not dared to insult Heaven with
vows in opposition to the wishes of your
father!" *' If to place my happiness in
the hands of Heaven be insulting," I
replied, " I must plead guilty to the
accusation. I have made those vows,
-which no earthly ^interference can dis-
solve ; and if I cannot obtain Maria
Parker, my hand shall never be given,
in proof of affection, to another.**

Until I had finished the sentence.
Sir Philip had set silently, but no sooner
did I make a pause, than he rose with
vehemence from his chair, and, dashing

142

his glass to tlic floor, exclaimed — "Assure
as the devil's a thief, a disobedient son is
the greatest curse under heaven." I said
not a word in answer to this excla-
mation: I considered that I had suffi-
ciently illustrated my sentiments, and
I determined to give him time to di-
gest what I had said, before I ventured
any further. Sir Philip had seated
himself again, and fell into a musing
posture. Frequently he sighed, stole
a glance at me, then fixed his eyes on
tlie table, or played with the decanter.
How long this thoughtfulness conti-
nued I cannot precisely tell ; nor have
I been able, from that hour to this,
accurately to discover the nature of it;
the only explanation I have ever re-
ceived has been derived from circum-
stances which may or may not have
been originated in his mind at that mo-
ment. After some pause, however, Sir

143

Philip once more rose from his chair,
and without speaking a word quitted
the room.

I was thus left alone to meditate on
the singularity of this behaviour, which
I endeavoured vainly to penetrate.
There could be no doubt that some-
thing of an important complexion was
passing through his mind; and it was
quite as certain, that I was the sub-
ject of his thoughts ; but, beyond this,
all was darkness and perplexity. A
thousand ideas suggested themselves to
my imagination, but every one seemed, at
the best, unsatisfactory. I would have
given every thing I possessed to have
fathomed the mystery, for I could not
divest myself of the apprehension that
he might entertain designs against the
peace and happiness of Maria. *^ But
I will watch over her,'* says I to my-

144

self, ** while I have life , and, when I
see clanger approaching her, like her
guardian angel, I will interpose to pre-
serve her." It was well that this so-
liloquy was entirely mental, for I had
not finished it when Crampwell entered
the room. Such an interruption was
rather unusual, and I had no douht, from
the moment he appeared, that his vi-
sit was connected with Sir Philip's
thoughtfulness.

I was not deceived ; at least, I ima-
gined I was right ; for he informed m€
that he had just received orders from
my father to prepare himself and me
for our departure on the following morn-
ing. " 'Tis a sudden resolution," says
I. *^It is, sir," says Crampwell, ** and
1 know not how to account for it."
" But I do," says I ; for I had no doubt
on my mind that it was in consequence

145

of tlie unshaken obstinacy I had dis-
played during the scene which had ta-
ken place since dinner.-

I certainly had entertained a very
strong wish and intention to see Maria
previously to our departure , I had even
gone so far as to make the arrange-
ments in my mind for that purpose.
But it was now impracticable -, and no-
thing remained but to write, and re-
peat the assurance I had before con-
veyed to her. Accordingly, after I had
taken leave of Sir Philip, I detennined
to devote part of the night to this
purpose.

About an hour before my customary
time of retirement, Sir Philip sent for
me. His behaviour was less unkind
than I had anticipated. He carefully
abstained from the slightest allusion

VOL. I. »

146

to the subject which had proved so fa-
tal to our good understanding; and we
parted apparently on good terms. Lady
Russel seemed really affected at my
departure, and gave me her miniature
set in pearls. "I will keep it," says I,
*' and that sacred ;'* pressing it to my
lips. Her ladyship shed tears as she put
her arms round my neck, and embraced
me. I thought it afavourable moment : I
knew her influence over Sir Philip was
unbounded; and, immediately opening
my whole soul to her on the sub-
ject of Maria, I intreated her inter-
cession.

" 'Tis but a boyish passion/* replied
her Ladyship, '^and an absence of a few
weeks, and other faces^ will entirely ob-
literate it."^ — " No time nor change of
objects can obliterate tliose impressions
which are imprinted on the heart/' I

147

replied." *^ You may think differently,
my dear Harry, six months hence,"
answered her ladyship. I shook my
head, sorrowfully : I thought her lady-
ship treated the subject too lightly, and
sported with my feelings -, for there
was a smile of incredulousness playing
on her countenance as she spoke. She
«aw that I was distressed, and her face
instantly assumed a more serious ap-
pearance. "Well, my dearboy,'* says she,
in a tone which I shall never forget,
'* should I live to the age of old Parr^
if you should continue in the same
mind on your return, I will intercede
for you." Never was music sweeter to
the ear which had just escaped from the
trammels of deafness. My conscience
struck me violently : I threw myself
into her arms; she clasped me to her
bosom. How could I till now have
H 2

148

remained in&ensible to the merits of such
a mother!

When I returned to my own room,
my mind was a perfect chaos of de-
light. What an interesting event to
disclose to Maria! I was full of the
subject, and instantly sat down to give
being to my thoughts. My letter was
full of animation and hope ; not a gloo-
my sentiment was to be found in it.
** If you love me, my Maria," said I,
" you will participate in -the pleasure
I feel — you will unite with me in joy-
ous anticipations of future felicity —
you will banish sorrow, and give a loose
to hope. Be assured that, though I
must traverse remote climates before I
can have the felicity of again behold-
ing you, " my heart, untravelled/' will
lemain in the cottage which contains
my earthly hope, and all of joy which
I can taste under heaven."

149

The first glimmerings of the dawn
visited my apartment before I had sealed
up my packet. I liad but a few hours
to spare. I threw myself on my bed,
but my thoughts returned to Maria ;
I was too delightfully occupied to sleep;
and when Bertrand, the domestic who
was to accompany me, entered my
room to rouse me for my journey, I
had not composed myself to forgetful-
liess. *' Sir," says he, " 'tis seven o'clock,
and the coach sets out at eight." The
summons was quickly obeyed; I rose,-
d-ressed myself, and, having dispatched
Bertrand to the post-office with the
packet for Maria, I found myself pre-
pared for my journey.

While the reader imagines that I am
travelling from London to Dover^ as-
I can possively assure him that, during,
that space of time, nothing befel me

150

beyond the events which usually fall to
the lot of travellers— I say, while he
imagines this, I may have time to muse
and moralize a little. '* Here am I
going," says I to myself, " to visit
foreign countries, as other young men
of family and fashion do, while I might
have staid at home, and, with greater
advantage to myself, have become a
proficient in the internal knowledge of
my native land." *' True,'* says I again,
*' but how should I have been able
to mix in the fashionable circles, and
to cut a figure in society, if I had not
been abroad, that I might hold a ga-
ping circle in silent astonishment, while,
on my return, I should recite wonder-
ful tales of prodigies which I had never
seen ; dissertate on the nature of laws
and customs which I had never studied ;
and draw comparisons between the
manners of the polished French and

151

the boorish English? Oh !*' I con-
tiinied, " tlie advantage of a foreign
tour can be no longer dubious ; no
young man of breeding can expect to
be received into genteel company until
he has obtained a touch of the licen-
tious levity of France, of the narrow
cunning of Italy, of the dark jealousy
of Spain, and of the indolent apathy
of Hollaml. A mixture of all these
exotic qualities must surely be pre-
ferable to the indigenous and old-fa-
shioned honesty, and the native stead-
iness and candour, which are to be found
m England/*^

I had just satisfied myself of the
propriety of visiting foreign countries,
having been interrupted several times
by the necessary operations of eating
and changing, and by the superfluous
variations occasioned by the janglings

152

of a qiiaker and his wife, who occu-
pied the opposite seat of the coach, and
which frequently carried my thoughts,
almost imperceptibly, into a different
train — I say, I had just satisfied my-
self of the propriety of visiting foreign
countries, when the disciple of the broad
brims, who sat before me, put an end to
my cogitations, by exclaiming — "Rachel,
the end of our journey appeareth in
view !" ^^ Doth it, Ephraim ?" responded
the precise rib; and there ended the
dialogue. I could not reconcile myself
again to a fit of musing; so I de-
termined to enter into conversation
with Ephraim, until we reached the
inn.

" Sir," says I. The quaker placed
his thumbs in a twirling attitude, and
called up such a quaint expression into
the form and features of his counte*

163

nance, that it had well nigh proved
fatal to my gravity. I could not ven*
ture to proceed until T had gazed ear-
nestly upon him a few moments, to*
accustom myself to his visage. '' Sir,"
I says at last, just as he was relapsing'
into his former inattentive position,
"at what inn do you mean to stop
in Dover to night?** I had previously
understood that this loquacious pair was
about to proceed to France. "Friend,"
says he, " we shall tarry wherever the
vehicles tarries!" "Atid by what pack-
et do you mean to go to tlie cou-
tinent?" returned L "By the first
which goeth,'* responded Ephraim. "If
the weather doth not prove unfavour*
able, thou should'st have said,*' inter-
rupted Rachel. " I spake as it became
me, and thou didst commit evil in re-
buking me,** retorted Ephraim. I was
fearful that a serious altercation would
H 3

ensue, as I saw a frown gathering:
on Ilache]*s countenance. I therefore
thought it right to interfere. " We
shall be happy to accompany you, as
it is my wish to take advantage of the
first opportunity." " Thy manner pleas-
eth me, fiiend, and we will remain
together during the morrow.** " If it
is agreeable to your lady,*' I responded.
** That which pleaseth me, ought ta
impart sattsfaction to her,** said Eph-
raim. Rachel knitted her brows, but
said nothing j and soon afterwards we
alighted.

The morning was hazy ; the sea ran
high, and the wind blew in shore. " It will
not do to-day, sir,'* says an old pilot of
whom I had enquired whether a packel
would sail during the day. I returned
in a meditative mood, and found Cramp-
well engaged in a very loud and strong

155

debate with the quaker and his rib on the
practice of smoking, my tutor having,
as was his usual custom, taken his pipe
after I had set out on my walk. *• It is
a pleasant way of spending an hour,
sir,'* says Crampwell, addressing himself
to the quaker, ** and I have never re-
pented taking to it." *^ Humph !" says
Ephraim, who seemed more inclined to
shun than to court a controversy. " Do
you smoke, sir ?" asked Crampwell, who
was determined not to suffer him to
escape so easily. The quaker shrugged
:iip his shoulders ; it was a silent way of
exclaiming — " Good God!" — •' No,
friend," says he, after a long pause,
while Crampwell smoked at least half
a dozen whiffs. — " I count it amongst
the wickednesses of the times/*

Crampwell was thunderstruck ; it was
the first time he had heard that smoking

156

was accounted criminal. He laid his
pipe down on the table. " Did I under-
stand you right, sir?" said^ he, as soon
as he could collect his thoughts suffi-
ciently. " I spoke in the most simple
language, friend," returned Ephraim ;
" would'st thou that I should' repeat
my words ?'^ Crampwell answered in the
affirmative. '' I hold it a vice," replied
the quaker, elevating his voice, as
though he was^ resolved, not to be again
misunderstoodi "How do you make
it out to be a vice ?" asked Crampwell.
The Quaker placed himself in a speak-
ing attitude; it was the operation of
some minutes. " Friend," says he, as
soon as he had fixed himself to his
mind, '^ I will tell thee. It is an evil
habit, because it leadetli to drinking."
Crampwell, who had resumed his pipe,
once more laid it down, to interrupt the
orator, "Your position is wrong, sir; for

157

I never drink while I smoke.'* '' That
may be, friend,'* says Rachel, ** but
Ephraim spoke of the general tendency
of this monstrous habit." Crampwell
was silenced, and Ephraim, after casting
a look of approbation on his wife, con-
tinued, ** It is also an idle custom, in-
asmuch as it doth lead men to throw
away time which ought to be devoted
to other purposes.*' ** That is wrong
again,** interrupted Crampwell again,
*' for I never smoke but a single pipe
at once, and I study while I smoke."
Ephraim made a short pause. Rachel
was just on the point of interposing
again, when her husband recommenced,
** It is a habit which savours of con-
formity to the world, and, driving good
thoughts out of the head, it filleth it
with — ** '' Smoke," interrupted Rachel.
Ephraim did not seem to relish this con-
clusion ; it probably did not exactly
convey his meaning.

158

Grampwell had finished his pipe, at
this part of the discussion, and, having,
emptied the ashes, he took up the
debate. *' 1*11 tell you what, my
friends/* says he, " I am a very little
eater and drinker j but I enjoy my pipe,
which serves me as a substitute. Now
you are both hearty eaters, and let me
ask you which is better, in these scarce
times, to eat a great deal, or by smoking
a pipe now and then to do with less
bread, and leave your portion of this
valuable necessary for some poorer
member of society ?" Ephraim made no
reply : Rachel was silent ; and Cramp-
well, who never knew when to stop,
proceeded. '* While I was smoking my
pipe, I smoked your intention ; but let
me tell you, there is more spirit in my
pipe than in your noddle." This ir-
reverent method of speaking rouzed all
the anger which was in. the Quaker's

159

composition. " Thou art a profane young
man," says he, elevating his voice
much above its usual pitch : *^ I say,
thou art profane, and there is wicket^
ness in thee/* " Yea, very much wick-
edness,'* continued Rachel. Cramp-
well was not of a quarrelsome turn ;
but, to use his own expression, he had
never any objection to quiz a puritan ;
and he was just on the point of pur-
suing his favorite diversion to the an-
noyance of the starched pair, when my
entrance put an end to the argument.

*' I fancy, sir, we must content our-
selves to spend one day more in Eng-
land,'* says I, addressing myself to the
Quaker. He might have given his an-
swer to the winds with as much effect
as to me, for the idea of leaving Eng-
land brought with it the idea of leaving
one who was in England ; and, in an

160

instant licr image stood before *^ my^
niind's eye/' as beautiful and as inte-
resting- as wlien she gave me hope, l
was unconscious that I had uttered a
word : I knew not that any one was
present ; my thoughts were too tyran-
nical to be restrained, and in my fit of
absence I exclaimed aloud, "To-morrow,
and the ocean will divide me from my
love!" The sound of my own voice
recalled my scattered senses. I started,
looked round me in dismay, and saw
Ephraim, Rachel, and Crampwell, look,
ing at me, the former with a gaze of
mingled pity and alarm, and the latter
with strange wonder in his countenance.
I inwardly cursed my own stupidity
and folly for suffering my feelings so
far to get the better of my reason as
to place me in such an awkward pre-
dicament. " I beg your pardon,'* says
J, as soon as I could find my wits, ** my

161

thoughts were wandering back to those
I have left behind me. I was not con-
scious of the impropriety I was com-
niittino^, until it was too late to check
myself.'* " There needcth no apology,
friend," returned Ephraim; *' there re-
maineth no doubt on my mind that thy
tlioughts were most pleasantly engaged.'*
— ** My remembrance,'* says Rachel,
*' travelleth back to the time Avhen I
gave way to similar reflections." —
** Humph !" says CrampwcU, in a low
voice, *' I never heard much of this
love before."

Crampwell's reply made more im-
pression in my mind than either of
the others. I had, until now, care-
fully kept from him the slightest inti-
mation of my affection for Maria. But
all my precautions were now rendered
unavailing. I had betrayed that I was

162

in love, and I knew very well that the
remaining part of the secret was much
more easy to be discovered. I was
never mnch more out of humour with
myself; *' and yet,'* says I to myself,
on reflection, "why should I so lament
at the communication of a circumstance,
Avliich is known to every one else :"
Crampwell would, probably, have dis-
covered it by my letters, for I had pro-
mised to Maria, to write to her from
every town after I had quitted England ;
and it was most likely, from the fre-
quency of my epistles, that he might
have been led to form some suspicions
of the truth. I generally was pretty
happy in bringing about a reconciliation,
after I had quarreled with myself; but
whether this success arose from any
particular excellence in my art of peace-
making ; or whether it was solely
attributable to the amiable dispositions

163

of the belligerent parties, I do not
pretend to decide. On this occasion I
was almost tempted to go immediately
aside with Crampwell, and tell him the
whole of my secret. *' Thou art a fool,"
says Discretion; '^ it will be time enough
to do this when he finds out the whole,
and begins the subject of his own ac-
cord." I listened very attentively to
the end of the expression, and, feeling
its propriety, I determined to follow it.
Who will censure nie for rendering such
ready obedience to Discretion V^

After dinner, the wind varied, and
Bertrand brought in the captain of a
packet which was on tlie point of sailing.
We struck the bargain with him. " When
wilt thou sail?" asked Ephraim. ^' In
half an hour, my old commodore," says
the sailor, " so bear a hand, and get your
l*^oo^§^ ^^ board," — *' Thou shouldst

164

speak in simple language, friend," says
Rachel. " Why damn it, so I do !'* re-
torted the tar. — " And without swear-
ing, friend," interrupted Ephraim. *' I
couldn't live without swearing, my old
boy," returned the captain, turning on
his heel, and, taking up a portmanteau
which belonged to the quaker, he walked
out of the room, followed by Bertrand,
with two or three of the trunks belonging
to me.

The captain *s profaneness appeared,
to have made much impression on the
quakers, particularly on Kachel, who
carried her abhorrence to such lengths,
as even to declare that she would not
trust herself in his vessel, a resolution
which gave evident alarm to Ephraim,
who was anxious to expedite their de-
parture. "Tut, ma'am," says Cramp-
well," why need you trouble yourself-

165

whether the captain swears or prays ?
your goodness will more than compen-
sate for any sinfulness of his." — Cramp-
well was by no means a favourite since
the affair of the morning's discussion ;
Ephraim and Rachel, whenever they
looked at him, showed symptoms of dis-
approbation; but this religious compli-
ment worked a wonderful effect upon the
stiff lady. She even viewed Crampwell
with complacency, as she replied —
** Young man, thou dost think more
highly of me than I deserve.** " Yea,
verily, doth he," said Ephraim. No re-
ply was made to this remark; but Rachel
suffered her scruples to be overcome,
and we were soon seated in the cabin of
the packet.

Unfortunately for the peace of the pas-
sengers, Ephraim and Rachel fell into a
theological dispute, in which both so ob-

166

stinately maintained their arguments, and
that in such a vociferous tone of voice,
that I was fain to escape from the dis-
cord, by ascending, and seating myself
on the deck.

The afternoon was serene and clear :
the mist was dispersed : and the sun as
it majestically rode down the heavens,
threw its golden tints on the billows,
and added richness to the natural beauty
of the scene. The cliffs of Albion, on
the one side, gradually receding, and
the coast of France on the other, ra-
pidly Hearing us, added interest to the
scene. ** Farewell, ye native land-
scapes r* says I to myself — " the seat of
beauty and virtue ; ye teem with a de-
light to my bosom superior to any which
the verdant vallies of France can afford—
ye are dearer to my soul than the
gardens of Montpelier, or the vineyards

167

of Burgundy. The pang which I feel
on parting from you, can only be
equalled by the pleasure I shall derive
from beholding you again." I should
have continued much longer ; but I was
interrupted in the midst of my secret
ejaculations by Cramp well, who came
upon deck to allure me back with the
assurance that Ephraim and Rachel had
ceased to jar.

Amongst the passengers was a French
lady, whose dress, manners, and con-
versation, bespoke her nobility. I had
scarcely observed her when I first entered
the cabin, but on my return with
Crampwell, I could not avoid noticing
her. The room was full, and my en-
trance causing some confusion, she let
fall her fan. I stepped forward, and took
it up. In handing it to her, the vessel
suddenly reeled, threw me forwards, and

168

my bead fell on the lady V shoulder. I
was confused, and attempted something
like an apology. ** 'Twas not thy fault,
friend/' said Ephraim. " There was no
need of an apology, Monsieur," returned
the lady in the sweetest tone imaginable,
while a smile played on her countenance.
She extended her hand to me, accord-
ing to the French manner; politeness
demanded that I should take it; but,
when I had got hold of it, I knew no
more what to do with it than if it had
been the vessel's helm. I was ignorant
of the etiquette on such occasions. I had
not yet visited France ; but I thought
if I kissed it, I could not do any harm.
I did so 5 she instantly withdrew it, with
a rebuke in her countenance ; but at the
same time made room for me to sit be-
side her. I did not seem to notice the
frown, but took my seat without hesi-
tation.

169

^* r regret. Monsieur, that we had not
the pleasure of your company earlier,"
says the lady, after she had given her-
self time to recover from her Jlusf ration.
" The regret is reciprocal," returned I,
*' but I was not aware of the loss I sus-
tained during my absence." I don't
know how I got through it ; it had the
turn and air of a compliment, but it
wanted grace to make it a passable one.
I hardly knew myself what I meant by
it. It was taken better than it wa^
offered. The lady laid her hand upon
mine: it really was a dangerous expe-
riment, after the blunder I had just
before committed. I did not dare to
repeat my compliment: to avoid the
temptation, therefore, I withdrew my
hand. It certainly was not a very polite
movement ; I will go farther, it was rude ;
but I did it very innocently.

yoL. I. I

170

The lady seemed confounded by my
strange behaviours I ventured to look
at her ; our eyes met ; there was an ex-
pression of resentment in her's which re-
doubled my perplexity ; I cast mine to
the ground. All this was done in si-
lence, and did not occupy the space of
thirty seconds. Ephraim was the only
person in the company who noticed my
distress; had he been blind or tongue-
tied, I might have escaped an increase of
it. " Friend,'* says he, " thou seemest
to be in a strange way." If I was con-
founded before this expression, what
-must I have been afterwards, when
every one gazed on me at the same
moment, to find out the strange way I
was in? I dare say Ephraim meant
kindly; I cannot doubt the sincerity of
his iirtentions; but it was not the first
time that kind motives had taken ainost
unkindly method to display themselves^

I stole another glance at my fair com-
panion in perplexity — it did not dimi-
nish my agitation. — " Madame," says I
to myself, " Ephraim might with truth
have extended his remark to you.**

But I was all this time sinking deeper
in the mire. Ephraim listened for my
answer ; and every one in the cabin, the
lady excepted, seemed to be on the tip-
toe of expectation. It was necessary to
say something. I tried to laugh; but I
question very much whether the essay
showed more of pleasure or of affliction.
It would not do to trust in this effort:
60 summoning up all the spirits and
wits I had at my command, I replied —
'* Only a mere trifle, sir ; a sort of dis-
composure — that is, of painful — " I don't
know how the devil I should have got
through. — I had begun awkwardly — I
had not mended in my progress — and
I %

172

I dare say the conclusion would have
been fatal to my credit, but at this very
critical moment, the vessel made such a
confounded heave, that we were all sud-
denly jerked from our seats. The French
lady fell upon me, on one side, and
Rachel on the other. Ephraim was
stretched in the middle of the cabin j
and Crampwell was thrown across him.
The chain of my dilemma was broken —
it was a blessed shock !

The mutual condolences which passed,
after every one had returned to their
seats, and the examination of the di-
versified bruises of the various perfor-
mers in this tragi-comic pantomime,
completely banished the remembrance
of the late perplexity. My fair com-
panion had, as I presumed, sustained
no injury; but, for the soul of me, I
dared not to make a single enquiry j — I

173

was fearful lest the slightestiiotice should'
revivx the circumstance. Ephraim was
too much occupied in endeavouring
to stop the bleeding of his nose, and
Rachel in rubbing her forehead, which^
was slightly marked, to think any more
of me or my companion. '* It surely
was an interference of Providence,"
says I to myself.

I could have wished much to make
my peace with my new acquaintance.
The fan, which at first led to our ac-
quaintance, had, during the late corn-
fusion, dropped on the floor betweert
us. *' It may serve me a good turn
again," says I myself. I did not trou-
ble myself about it immediately— I
had formed my plans more deeply. —
Presently, she put down her hand to
search for it — the evenino: was settinor'
in, and the cabin was growing dark ; —

174

this was the favourahle instant. I fol-
lowed her example in silence — our hands
met — mine grasped hers — it was a
squeeze of reconciliation — she did not
attempt to extricate it. *^ Worse and
worse,'* sa}S I to myself; *' what the
devil shall 1 do now ?'* I certainly had
no intention to carry matters to such
a height. A pressure, en passant, was
all I had expected or wished.

It was too late, however, to complain.
I had sought the lady's kind offices,
and it was but right to receive them with
due respect and becoming gratitude.
" But why the deuce doesn't she ex-
tricate her hand," says I to myself. An
Englishwoman, had she meant ever so
affectionately to a stranger, would not
have suffered him to retain her hand.
**True," says I again, " but Englishwo-
men are cold, phlegmatic beings, nothing

175

like 3'our light, lively, warm French
ladies/' The contrast was striking; but I
wanted an example to oppose to my for-
ward companion : ]\Iaria suggested her-
self to me. " What !*' says I to myself,
so vehemently as almost to amount to a
whisper ; '' compare the modest, lovely

Maria to this French ." I didn't

stop to finish the expression, but, with
a sort of a jerk, almost amounting to
an indication of disgust. I let go the
hand I had held till now. The un-
common rudeness of the movement
never occurred to me, until I was toa
late to check it. " Good God !" says
I to myself, " this is the second of-
fence. I will never attempt to be gal-
lant any more."

I had not much time, kowever to
brood over this new breach of good
breeding, before the captain entered the

176

cabin, and congratulated us on our en-
trance into the port of Calais. " In
a few moments," says he, ^^vve shall
come to an anchor." The communica-
tion was extremely agreeable to me;
for I was heartily tired of my voyage;
not that I disliked the water, or the
vessel, or the company — no, it was none
of these; but I had committed so many
follies during the passage, and had ren-
dered myself so ridiculous in my own
estimation, that I was anxious to get
into new company, and to begin a
new career. In a few minutes, we came
to anchor.

Whoever sets out on a continental
tour, must, or at least ought to be, welU
stored with patience of every descrip-
tion; for, if he expects to meet with
the same quantum of attention and ci-
vility as in England, he will find himself

177

mightily deceived. He has no busu
ness to move out of his o^wn country,
unless he can- make up his mind to pay
extravagantly for miserable accommo-
dations; to restrain his wants until it
^uits the will and the convenience of
those around him to contribute to their
removal ; and to put up with every in-
sult which flippant ignorance may think
proper to afford him. All this I had
heard from many mouths, and read in
many books, before it entered into my
head to pay a visit to any country
beyond my own; but I was doomed
to discover the truth of the statement
before I had set a foot on shore.

'* Monsieur, vat luggage is yours ?'*
asked a sorry-looking fellow, who ad-
vanced beyond a crowd of mendicant
rascals that lined the shore. I pointed
to the boxes which Bertrand had piled
I 3

178

on the deck. " Begar, all datl" cried
the puny garqon, for he was but a boy
in appearance; and before I had time
to make a reply, he was out of hear-
ing. " Stay, Monsieur,'* said the French
lady, laying her hand, (the very same
identical hand which had caused me
so much trouble already) — " Stay, Mon-
sieur," says she, laying this hand fa-
miliarly on my left arm j " you are
not acquainted with the customs of our
country." " You are too good. Ma-
dam, to teach them to me," said I,
laying my right hand upon her's. I
I dare say she thought I was going
to be rude again, for she instantly with-
drew her hand. I could swear that my
face was as red as scarlet, but I said
not a word — nothing like an apology
for the past — nothing like an assurance
or the future. There was nothing par-
tirular in her look or manner, as she

179

made the movement ; they were both
perfectly unembarrassed. *^ What in-
consistent, unreasonable creatures we
are/' says I to myself; " one moment
we censure the sex for levity , another,
we condemn their reserve."

The lady, who had advanced a few
paces before me, had by this time re-
turned with two stout men. " These,
Monsieur,*' says she, " assisted by your
servant, and a sailor, will be sufficient
to carry our trunks to the hotel d'An-
gleterre — it is scarcely a hundred steps
from the quay.*' — *' And do you go to
the hotel d'Angleterre, madam ?" asked I.
*^ You shall conduct me thither/' says
she, putting her arm within mine.
" Good God," says I to myself—" into
what sort of hands have I fallen !" There
was no alternative; the men had hoisted
the luggage on their shoulders. " To the

180

hotel d'Angleterre !" cried the lady, and
they were already on the road. " Tis
a bad house," says I to myself; " or the
the ladies of France are astonishing-
ly kind in their con^luct to strangers/'
I turned round, to see if any one was
near me. Rachel and Crampwell were
in close conversation, while Ephraim
regarded me with a serious look. " Be-
ware, friend ; thou art in danger,** says
he, shaking his head. *' To the hotel
d'Angleterre !" says I, in an audible
voice. There was no time for any fur-
ther delay; I suffered myself to be
moved forward, and we soon reached
the hotel.

The lady's right arm was passed
through my left, and her hand was
pressed against my bosom. I was un*-
easy, for I was aware that the pressure
was not accidental. My heart palpitated

181

to an excess. I felt much alarmed—
** Would to God/' says I to myself,
** that 1 out of this woman's company !•"
She appeared to be acquainted with
my disorder, and determined to increase
it. " You seem agitated, Monsieur,"
says she, placing her hand more close-
ly against my bosom. ** God God 1"
says I.

"MonDieu! monsieur," replied the
lady with unusual quickness, ** are you
unwell?'* The question recalled me to
mv senses. We had reached the door

of the hotel. The sight of Crampwell
close at my heels relieved me. 1 an-
swered in the negative.

*' What stay do you make in Calais,
madam?" I asked, as we seated ourselves
in a roomy apartment. " I shall set
out for Paris to-morrow morning, mon^

182

sieiir," she replied ; " do you travel
that way ?" ** Which way, madam ?" says
I y for instead of paying attention to
her answer, I had been engaged in
enquiring of myself what evil dae-
mon tempted me to ask such a ques-
tion, since I would have died, or re^
turned, rather than have her company
any further. '' Which way, madam?"
says I. — " Which way, monsieur 1" says
she, " why to Paris to be sure." " Real-
ly, madam," says I, ** I wish I were not
obliged to go by way of Amiens.** This
was one of my bold speeches, for I knew
no more whether Amiens lay in the di-
rect road to Paris or not, than I did
of the situation and manners of the
man in the moon. Unfortunately, 1
was wrong. — " Amiens," says she, smi-
ling ; '' why that lies directly in the
road." If I had called to mind a
few circumstances which had escaped

183

iVom my memory, I might have known
that Amiens did lie in the road ; but
I was determined to put on as good a
t'ace as possible. " Amiens, madam,
did I say r" says I — *' why, God bless
me, I meant Boulogne." " There is
some difference, monsieur ;'' says she,
** I can no longer hope for the plea,
sure of you company.**

My heart bounded with extasy on
hearing this reply. " She may not, after
all, be so bad as my fears have repre-
sented her." I upbraided myself for
the illiberality t had evinced towards
her, and determined to compensate for
my rudeness by unbounded acts of fu-
ture politeness. I attempted to carry
my resolution into immediate effect, but
I found myself so completely out of
my element, that I was glad to plead
a severe head-ach as an excuse for an
early retirement.

184

" Is The French lady gone yet, Ber-
trand ?" says I, when my servant called
me in the morning. " No, sir," says he-,
** she is waiting breakfast for you."
" The devil!'* says I, rising, and putting
on one stocking ; and in my haste to ac~
count for this strange conduct on the
part of my fair companion, I fell into
a fit of musing. " Will your honor
please to put on your other stocking,"
says Bertrand, after waiting half an hour
to give me time to proceed. I made
no reply, but ventured a little further;
when I was stopped again by a second
meditation, which might have lasted
much longer than the former, had not
Bertrand once more reminded me that
the lady waited breakfast for me.

We were alone at breakfast 3 but it
was nearly a silent one — my thoughts
had wandered back to my native land

185

and to Maria; and my companion, pro-
bably too much vexed by my tacitur-
nity to endeavour to win back my
ideas, was engaged in calculating how
many drams of stupidity Dame Nature
had mixed up in the essence of my ex-
istence. What was the result, however,
I cannot possibly tell: had I been in-
clined to make the inquiry, the oppor-
tunity was not allowed me, for the
waiter appeared to acquaint the lady thatt
the chaise was waiting for her.

She rose, and made a distant courte-
sy. " I will conduct you to the chaise,
madame," says I, catching up my hat
in one hand, as I took her proffered
hand in the other. We walked to
the door before a word passed between
us. — " You live in Paris, madam, I pre-
sume ?" says I. " I do. Monsieur,** says
she. " We may meet again, perhaps,"

186

returned I. " I trust we shall,'* replied
she. I felt no terrors now ; a step more,
and I should not see her again, conse-
quently there was no danger. — '* May
I ask," says I, " for whom I shall en-
quire when I reach Paris ?'* Her hand
rested on my shoulder ; I felt it tremble :
we were at the chaise door — the step
was down. I approached my lips nearer
to her ear, to repeat my question. She
saw the movement, and inclined herself
to meet me: by some accident, her foot
slipped, she fell into my arms, and my
lips touched her cheek. She recovered
herself in a moment, sprang into the
chaise, and leaving a folded paper in
my hand, as she bad me adieu, exclaimed
— '* that will inform you of my resi-
dence." At the same moment the pos-
tilion gave his horse the lash, and the
chaise drove out of the yard.

END OF VOL. I,

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MEDICINE, SURGERY, AND CHEMISTRY. 13

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EDUCATION. 27

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GARDENING, SzC. — MISCELLANEOUS. 33

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