2/UU 
 
 JACK WESTROPP 
 
NEW NOVELS. 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF A SHIP'S DOCTOR. 
 
 By Morley Roberts. 6s. 
 
 GOLDEN LADS AND GIRLS. By H. A. 
 
 HlNKSON. 6s. 
 
 THE COCK AND ANCHOR. By Joseph 
 Sheridan Le Fanu. $s. 
 
 A GENERATION. By R. S. Sievier. 6s. 
 
 SCHOLAR'S MATE. By Violet Magee. 6s. 
 
 THE MERCHANT OJF KILLOGX7E. By F. 
 
 M. Allen. 6s. 
 
JACK WESTROPP 
 
 AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
 
 1 Their breath is agitation, and their life 
 A storm whereon they ride."— Childe Harold 
 
 IN TWO VOLUMES 
 VOL. I. 
 
 DOWNEY & CO. 
 
 12 YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN, LONDON 
 
 1895 
 
vl 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 «£> PAGE 
 
 AN IRISH GENTLEMAN IN SEARCH OF A SUBSISTENCE . I 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 IN WHICH I USE ANOTHER MAN'S SUIT, IN ORDER TO 
 
 GAIN MY OWN 7 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 DESCRIBES THE FIRST MEETING BETWEEN MR. FOGARTY 
 
 AND "YOUNG DAN" 1 5 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 EMBRACES A LEARNED FAMILY 22 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 IN WHICH MR. FOGARTY'S OUTRAGEOUS PROCEEDINGS 
 
 CALL FOR THE INTERVENTION OF THE CIVIL POWER $$ 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 IN WHICH GREEK MEETS GREEK, AND AN ALARMING 
 
 i 
 
 TUG OF WAR IS THE RESULT 43 
 
vi Contents, 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 MY DECLARATION TO MISS MUNKITTRICK. — STRANGE 
 
 SEQUEL 52 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 I GIVE PROOFS OF CONTINUED CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF, 
 
 AND OF THE EVILS OF EXCESS IN OTHERS . . 65 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 A FOOL'S PARADISE. — A LOVER'S LEAP .... 79 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 I AM KEPT IN BONDAGE BY THE SPELLS OF A HOSTILE 
 
 MAGICIAN 90 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 I INVOKE THE AID OF A POTENT ENCHANTER TO BREAK 
 
 THE SPELL I06 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MR. FOGARTY CONSULTS AN EMINENT MERCHANT AS 
 TO THE MOST EFFECTUAL MEANS OF BRINGING ME 
 TO JUSTICE . 117 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 HOW TO PROCURE BALLAST 1 29 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 CONCERNING " THE NOOSE " AND OTHER GRAVE MATTERS 139 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 IN WHICH I AM PRESENTED WITH A WHITE ELEPHANT I48 
 
Contents. vii 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT 1 58 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 CHASING A MYTH, AND CATCHING A TARTAR . . 171 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 IN WHICH A NOBLEMAN WITH SIXTEEN QUARTERS 
 
 OBTAINS A BETTER HALF 1 84 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 IN WHICH I RECEIVE A DEPUTATION OF STRONG-MINDED 
 
 FEMALES 194 
 
JACK WESTROPP. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 AN IRISH GENTLEMAN IN SEARCH OF A SUBSISTENCE. 
 
 At the age of twenty-five, when I introduce myself to the 
 reader, I was a reporter on the Dublin Retriever, and just 
 about to be called to the Irish bar. My father, a County 
 Clare gentleman of excellent family and dissipated habits — 
 the only legacy I ever derived from him — had died some 
 nine or ten years before, and I was now living in Lower 
 Baggot Street with my mother and my sister Kate. My 
 education, such as it was, had been acquired at three 
 several academies, the bills of which I believe remain to 
 this day unsettled. The Westropp family, indeed, might 
 have chosen for their motto Pistol's sapient maxim, " Base 
 is the slave who pays ; " and I don't think I should ever 
 have attained any profession, had not my father's brother 
 John, a rich and somewhat niggardly old bachelor, been 
 pleased to think that my eloquence and my impudence 
 qualified me for peculiar eminence at the bar, and under- 
 VOL. I. b 
 
2 Jack Westropp. 
 
 taken to pay all necessary expenses in working my way 
 thereto — but alas ! nothing further. 
 
 The curious thing, perhaps, was that I fully shared 
 Uncle John's flattering estimate of my forensic qualifications. 
 Though I did not know the difference between a fi. fa. 
 and a ca. sa., and could not explain what was meant by a 
 motion for liberty to file a replication nunc pro tunc, I 
 confidently expected in a few years to eclipse the laurels of 
 Pennefather and Lefroy. So absurdly sanguine is the 
 mind of youth ! Only couple me in a great case with some 
 dry legal hack, who should attend to the commonplace 
 matters of argument, evidence, and " cases in point," and 
 leave me the congenial task of overwhelming the jury with 
 a torrent of wit and eloquence, and I felt convinced of 
 achieving an unparalleled reputation. 
 
 I also hoped for great things in the courts of Hymen as 
 well as in those of Themis. Heiresses were not yet an 
 extinct race in Ireland, and it was well known that Miss 
 Mary Anne Munkittrick, of Merrion Square, only daughter 
 of a leading wine merchant, enjoyed a fortune of forty 
 thousand pounds. Now, it so happened that Mary Anne 
 and I knew each other perfectly well — by appearance. 
 We had often met at the Theatre Royal, at the squares, 
 at the Portobello Gardens, and in the Park. I had ogled 
 her assiduously, and she had smiled upon me graciously, 
 so that, as sometimes happens in such cases, there was a 
 sort of tacit understanding between us. Could not that 
 understanding be improved, and might not it ultimately 
 
Jack Westropp. 3 
 
 ripen into mutual love ? For my part, I admired her rosy 
 cheeks, her auburn hair, her laughing eye, her buxom 
 figure, and still more — as being much more essential to 
 my happiness — her forty thousand pounds. Her name, 
 perhaps, was not as handsome as herself ; but there was a 
 way of improving even that. Mary Anne Munkittrick was 
 one thing — "Marion" Westropp would be quite another. 
 She was of a well-known Catholic family too ; but I was an 
 Irish gentleman in search of a subsistence, not of a 
 religion. 
 
 Ogling and smiling, however, were not matrimony, even 
 as the magnificent charge at Balaclava was not war. I felt 
 that some valuable minor redoubts had been captured ; but 
 the fortress itself could only be stormed after a regular 
 introduction. At last fortune seemed to smile upon me, 
 my friend Dr. O'Reilly, who was intimate with Mr. 
 Munkittrick, having procured me an invitation to a grand 
 ball at that gentleman's house in the early part of the year 
 
 1843. 
 
 An unexpected difficulty now presented itself. My dress 
 suit had seen much service, and was fast merging into a 
 condition too seedy to be used when attempting so great a 
 conquest. My credit with the fashionable tailors of Dublin 
 was at zero ; and as I spent three hundred a year out of a 
 salary of a hundred and twenty, ready money was out of the 
 question. Was it possible that a well-built strapping 
 young fellow, with infinite powers of fascination, should be 
 debarred from so excellent an opportunity of settling 
 
 b 2 
 
4 Jack Westropp. 
 
 himself in life by that absurd cause, the want of a suit of 
 clothes? It seemed even too likely; and I was in a very 
 dejected mood as I strolled into the office of the Retriever ; 
 the evening before the ball. 
 
 I found Mr. St. George, the proprietor, in great spirits, 
 partly owing to a scathing article of mine in that day's 
 paper, in which I had imputed every imaginable iniquity to 
 Mr. Daniel O'Connell, and had represented that gentleman 
 as a conspirator against the State, of deeper dye than 
 Catiline himself. St. George was the most honest and 
 consistent old Tory in Ireland, and though I had drawn a 
 couple of weeks' salary in advance, and otherwise confused 
 the distinctions of menm and tuum in the office, it was im- 
 possible for him to think ill of one who had made so 
 violent an attack on the great agitator. 
 
 " How do you do, Mr. Westropp ? I am very happy to 
 see you. — By-the-bye, you look rather downcast this 
 evening. Nothing the matter, I hope ? " 
 
 " Oh no — not much;" and I heaved a groan. "The 
 fact is, I have been asked to a ball for to-morrow night, 
 sir." I was going to say at Munkittrick's, but I fortunately 
 checked myself in time. " The dreaded name of 
 Demogorgon " could not have alarmed Mr. St. George 
 half as much as that of Munkittrick, whom he was wont to 
 classify under the head of the three obnoxious R's, i.e. 
 Repealer, Rebel, and Romanist. 
 
 "Well, well, well — I don't care for these sort of things 
 myself. They are a bore to a man of brains, though I 
 
Jack Westropp. 5 
 
 think it only right to go to the balls at the Castle now and 
 then — ha ! — hum — a man must sometimes sacrifice himself 
 to show his loyalty, you know. But they say ' youth must 
 have its fling.' You are — let me see — I should say you are 
 some thirty years younger than I " (if he had said forty-five, 
 he would have been much nearer the mark) ; cl and at your 
 time of life, I really would not take it so much to heart." 
 
 " Ah, sir, you are very kind ; — but I can't help taking a 
 shabby dress suit very much to heart." 
 
 " What ! how is this ? You always turn out uncommonly 
 well in town. Do you mean to say you have not got a good 
 dress suit ? " 
 
 " That is unfortunately my case. It is nearly worn out 
 in the service." 
 
 " Then of course you had better not go to the ball." 
 
 " Yes — but there will be a charming girl there — a great 
 heiress — who is dying to meet me. An introduction would 
 be the making of me." 
 
 Mr. St. George whistled a single bar, and seemed lost in 
 thought. " There is something in that," he said. 
 
 " Very much," I replied. 
 
 " I'll tell you what, Westropp," at last he remarked, " you 
 and I are something about a size." 
 
 il I daresay, sir, there's not much more than six inches 
 difference in our height." 
 
 " Pooh ! that's nothing — a trifle — a shade. I should not 
 like you to lose this chance, and I don't think you could do 
 better than go in my dress suit. I may say it's brand new." 
 
6 Jack Westropp. 
 
 What ! ask Gulliver to squeeze himself into the livery of 
 Lilliput ! The proposition seemed monstrous ; and yet I 
 reflected that St. George was notorious for always wearing 
 clothes enormously too big for him, and that those clothes 
 were of the richest materials, and of the latest and most 
 fashionable cut. A moment's consideration convinced me 
 that the suit which looked ridiculous on his squat little 
 figure would probably show to advantage ~on my towering 
 proportions, and I hastily cried — 
 
 "My dear sir, you are very kind, yes — the difference in 
 our sizes is very slight. We are, as you observe, very much 
 of a height. I feel greatly indebted to you." 
 
 And Hood's lines forcibly recurred to me — 
 
 " A great judge and a little judge, 
 Both judges of Assize." 
 
 " Don't mention it, my dear boy : I only hope you'll 
 catch the heiress. Just drive off to my house and see if the 
 things fit you." 
 
 They certainly fitted me much better than the man for 
 whom they were made, at all events, and in all the splendour 
 of borrowed plumes I presented myself next night at 
 Munkittrick Hall, as the Dublinians were wont to call a 
 certain large house in Merrion Square. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 IN WHICH I USE ANOTHER MAN'S SUIT, IN ORDER TO 
 GAIN MY OWN. 
 
 As I have observed one ball to be very like another, I don't 
 propose to weary the reader with details which might be 
 interesting enough from a milliner's point of view, but in 
 which I could not for a moment hope to compete with that 
 admirable modern institution, the Society Journal. A 
 word, however, about the Munkittrick family, which was 
 limited to four persons, viz., The fair Mary Anne, her 
 brother Ferdinand, and their parents. "Old Mun" — for 
 by this irreverent abbreviation he was familiarly known in 
 town — was a shrewd man of business, but a strange mixture 
 of geniality and pomposity. Though seventy-six years of 
 age, his frame was still powerful and erect, and his features 
 were pleasing and handsome. While utterly incapable of 
 anything so vulgar as a joke, he was no mean proficient in 
 the art of after-dinner oratory, then much in fashion, by 
 which eloquence worthy of a better cause was wasted on the 
 follies and insincerities of mutual admiration. Old Mun, 
 indeed, seemed to consider himself always " on his legs," 
 
8 Jack Westropp. 
 
 and as he was wont to embellish his ordinary discourse with 
 tropes and sentiments breathing fervent aspirations for the 
 welfare of his companions, the effect was as grotesque as 
 need be. His wife was a vulgar, showily dressed woman, 
 very ambitious of distinguished acquaintances, and without 
 any of her husband's pretensions to originality. Ferdinand 
 was designed for his father's business, but his great object 
 was to be considered a man of fashion, and as he had pocket 
 money ad libitum, and sported the stiffest of neckcloths and 
 the glossiest of hats, his claim to the title was indisputable. 
 Otherwise perhaps there was nothing very remarkable about 
 him, if I except his grammar, which was certainly remark- 
 ably bad. As for Mary Anne — my Marion, as I hoped 
 soon to call her — we shall hear her speak for herself. 
 
 The Munkittricks spared no expense in their entertain- 
 ments, and a ball at their house was always a scene of 
 unbounded hilarity. The large rooms were crowded with a 
 miscellaneous assemblage, most of whom, I fear, would have 
 been puzzled to account for their ancestry. An "honourable," 
 however, and a Polish count, with a name made to be 
 sneezed at, had been secured ; and better still — or, as I 
 secretly thought worse, — there was a fair sprinkling of the 
 military, a class whose scarlet uniforms and gold lace have 
 always tempted me to break the tenth commandment in a 
 ball-room. 
 
 I entered rapidly into the spirit of the festivity with all 
 the ardour of twenty-five ; but alas ! I found the fair Mary 
 Anne hedged in by such a host of admirers that I began to 
 
Jack Westropp. 9 
 
 fear I had little chance of effecting a conquest. My native 
 impudence, however, seldom deserted me very long. 
 EncounteriDg her for a moment in the mazes of a quadrille, 
 I pressed her fairy fingers, and had just time to whisper, 
 " I feel as if I had known you for years. Do join me in the 
 next set." "lam three deep," was the hurried answer ; but 
 
 I thought the pressure was returned, and certainly the 
 bright eyes gleamed on me approvingly. 
 
 As this valuable fortress was so closely guarded, it was 
 useless to think of besieging it for the present, and I was 
 reluctantly compelled to look out for "fresh fields and 
 pastures new." I was busily engaged with a friend in cal- 
 culating the probable incomes, chances, expectations, etc., 
 of several other unmarried ladies in the room, when a certain 
 amount of bustle became manifest, old Mun vanished in a 
 high state of excitement, and immediately afterwards the 
 doors were thrown open, and no less a man than Mr. Daniel 
 O'Connell was announced. 
 
 It was not without emotion that I met for the first time 
 in private life the greatest master of political agitation that 
 has ever appeared in the world. I have never been what 
 is called a hero-worshipper ; but I have always cherished a 
 warm admiration for ability and success ; and where was 
 there a more able or more successful man to be found than 
 
 II the Liberator " ? Baffled for the time in my aspirations 
 after Miss Munkittrick, I drew as near as possible to the 
 group that rapidly collected around the orator, and found 
 to my horror that he was dilating, in by no means parlia- 
 
io Jack Westropp. 
 
 mentary language, on my article of the previous day. 
 Fortunately, press secrets are well kept, and though no 
 man was more thoroughly conversant with all matters of 
 current gossip than Mr. O'Connell, he had no suspicion of 
 his real assailant, and yet I felt as if that piercing glance 
 had read me through, and that withering tongue, so un- 
 matched in vituperation, was engaged in annihilating me. 
 
 Old Mun was laudably anxious to seize the first oppor- 
 tunity of turning the attention of his distinguished guest 
 from the subject of his countless libellers, and leading 
 me to the front, somewhat to my own consternation, he 
 said, — 
 
 " You must allow me, Liberator, to introduce my young 
 friend, Mr. Westropp. He will be ' called ' next week to 
 that profession of which you have long been the noblest 
 boast and the proudest ornament. May the ardour of his 
 eloquence melt the hearts of juries, and may the appro- 
 bation of attorneys guide him into the haven of success ! " 
 
 Long practice had made this ornate style of speech, 
 which would prove extremely difficult to most men, easy 
 and natural to Mr. Munkittrick, who now drew himself up 
 with the gravity and importance of a man conscious of 
 having said a very good thing. 
 
 Fortunately the tribune's moods were very fitful, and all 
 the storms that had agitated his soul vanished, as he took 
 my hand with a winning and playful air. 
 
 "lam happy to meet you," he said, " and to say ■ Amen 
 to Munkittrick's last sentiment. We want you." 
 
Jack Westropp. n 
 
 " Want me, sir ? " 
 
 m Yes— you are a Protestant ? " 
 
 I admitted the soft impeachment with a bow. 
 
 " I knew it ; and we want the Protestants badly. They 
 have kept aloof from us too long. Your country calls upon 
 you and all her sons. Throw in your lot with us in the great 
 cause of Repeal, and bring me half a dozen earnest young 
 fellows like yourself, to help me to restore the Parliament 
 in College Green in a twelvemonth. Oh, that will be a 
 great day for Ireland ! " 
 
 I was awake and sober, and yet such a proposition from 
 such a quarter made me feel for a moment as if I were 
 absolutely delirious. My first distinct impression was one 
 of astonishment at the friendly manner of the man 
 whom I had so outrageously assailed the day before, 
 but after all there was nothing remarkable in that, as the 
 use — or abuse — of anonymous journalism rendered public 
 men liable to strange mistakes in their judgment of in- 
 dividuals. I smiled as I recalled Pope's couplet — 
 
 ' ' Pitholeon libelled me j — but here's a letter 
 Informs you, sir, 'twas when he knew no better." 
 
 Had I been identified as Pitholeon, all the water in great 
 Neptune's ocean would not have cleansed me in the eyes 
 of the Liberator. I quickly perceived, however, that even 
 the apparently absurd proposal he had just made might yet 
 be turned to account. The crass stupidity of attorneys 
 might after all prevent them from appreciating my wit and 
 eloquence, in the absence of dry legal lore ; — but when had 
 
12 Jack Westropp. 
 
 the profession of a patriot failed to secure wealth and 
 power in Ireland ? Agitation was manifestly the path to 
 society, to Parliament, to the bench. And, trebly guarded 
 as Mary Anne Munkittrick was by hosts of rival admirers, 
 how would my chances be increased if I could show her 
 and her parents that, Protestant as I was, I had torn my- 
 self from all my old associations for the sake of my 
 country ! 
 
 Mr. O'Connell, who was an early man, and often looked 
 jaded at night, soon announced his intention of retiring, on 
 which old Mun ordered wine, and thus addressed the 
 little group around him : — " Gentlemen, fill your glasses. 
 Only one word — Long life to the Liberator ! May the 
 mellowed glories of age compensate him for the vigour of 
 youth, and may the genius that shines unrivalled on the 
 platform yet rise triumphant in a Parliament in College 
 Green ! " 
 
 When this choice sentiment had been done justice to, 
 Mr. O'Connell honoured me with another brief colloquy, in 
 which he implored me to assist him in shaking off the 
 chains of Saxon domination, and departed, having received 
 from me an answer as satisfactory as a reporter on the 
 Retriever, dressed in the borrowed raiment of the stoutest 
 Tory in Dublin, could give. I should mention here that I 
 had some talent for mimicry, and was allowed to be the 
 best imitator of O'Connell extant — of which more anon. 
 
 My perseverance in seeking for Miss Munkittrick as a 
 partner was at last crowned with success, and I did not lose 
 
Jack Westropp. 13 
 
 a moment in improving the occasion. I felt it desirable to 
 lead our conversation to the subject of patriotism. It 
 might not be much in her line, but she would probably 
 reveal my new-born nationality of spirit to her parents, 
 whose good opinion was well worth securing. 
 
 We talked of poets. Byron was very nice and sublime, 
 Shelley very " flowery," and Wordsworth rather deep ; but 
 her favourite was Tom Moore. She doted on Lalla 
 Rookh. 
 
 "Yes," said I, "it's very sweet; and then the Melodies. 
 Don't you find songs like * Let Erin remember,' and ' The 
 Harp that once,' affect you powerfully ? " 
 
 " Well, to tell the truth, I prefer the love songs." 
 " Do you ? yes, they are charming — beautiful. Ah, 
 what is there like love ? " 
 
 " Oh yes — in a song," said she, laughing. 
 "Ay, or in real life," said I, eagerly seizing on the 
 opportunity that seemed to present itself. " I am delighted 
 to find you are not insensible to the tender passion." 
 " I said nothing of the sort, Mr. Westropp." 
 " But you looked it. And I could read it in your eyes, 
 in our chance meetings at the park or the theatre. How 
 those meetings made me long for an introduction ! And 
 now to be so favoured — to know you — to gaze on that 
 bewitching smile — " 
 
 " Take care, Mr. Westropp. Captain Twycross is looking 
 at us." 
 
 " Captain Twycross be — ! That is, I mean, no liveried 
 
14 Jack Westropp. 
 
 minion of the Crown shall step between me and the 
 dearest wish of my heart. Oh, Miss Munkittrick — " 
 
 " I declare, Mr. Westropp, you are not minding your 
 steps at all. We have got quite astray." 
 
 A whirl ; a circumgyration ; a pressure of hands ; query, 
 any touching of the heart ? Of course I could not answer 
 that, but I felt that I had not made a bad beginning, and 
 must watch for my opportunity of finding Mary Anne in 
 some more sentimental mood, and some more retired spot. 
 Life in the Munkittrick world was not a bad thing, at all 
 events ; and with the aid of bright eyes, excellent wine, and 
 a sumptuous supper, I got on most agreeably till six o'clock 
 in the morning, when in some unaccountable manner I 
 found myself in bed. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 DESCRIBES THE FIRST MEETING BETWEEN MR. FOGARTY 
 AND "YOUNG DAN." 
 
 In the following week I was called to the bar in due form, 
 all necessary expenses being defrayed, according to promise, 
 by my uncle John. My brethren of the press solemnized 
 the occasion with a good dinner at Jude's, followed by a 
 running fire of toasts and speeches, in the course of which 
 my genius, spirit, honour, consistency, etc., became the sub- 
 jects of the most extravagant eulogiums. All this was very 
 pleasant ; but meanwhile my funds were at an extremely 
 low ebb, duns were pressing and clamorous, and attorneys 
 were an unknown quantity in my calculation. And while I 
 had nothing wherewith to meet the whole threatening 
 world, I had unfortunately contracted luxurious tastes, 
 which must be gratified somehow or other. 
 
 These thoughts were coursing sadly through my brain as 
 I crossed Carlisle Bridge about five o'clock on the evening 
 after my " call." I was wending my weary way homeward — 
 to mutton hash, and porter, and the society of my mother 
 and sister. The prospect was anything but lively ; and I 
 
1 6 Jack Westropp. 
 
 never felt in greater need of something to raise my spirits, 
 something of life, adventure, joviality — Ha ! who is that ? 
 Old Fogarty himself, the well-known grazier from Ballinasloe, 
 whom I had seen not long before at Conciliation Hall, in 
 buckskin breeches, and mighty collars, and frieze topcoat, 
 eagerly drinking in the torrents of vituperation against 
 " the Saxon " that poured from the lips of the Liberator. 
 Rich as a Jew, simple as a child, Fogarty was just the man 
 to meet at such a moment. He was a most diverting charac- 
 ter, and I felt instinctively that, in military phrase, he would 
 soon " create a diversion in my favour." 
 
 " Sharp evening, Mr. Fogarty." 
 
 " Be the — and who are ye, then, that knows me ? " 
 
 " Ah ! I thought so. And yet you are one of the 
 warmest admirers of my father." 
 
 " Your father ! Be the piper that played before Moses. 
 I'm hanged if I ever knew one of your breed, seed, or 
 generation." 
 
 "What! Mr. Fogarty, do you mean to say you don't 
 know O'Connell ? " 
 
 " Is it O'Connell?— Dan O'Connell? " 
 
 I nodded assent. 
 
 " Be this and be that, young man, you're on for hum- 
 bugging." 
 
 u Humbugging ! " (drawing myself up in my grandest 
 manner, and then suddenly dropping into imitation of the 
 rich southern Doric that had so lately exerted its blandish- 
 ments on me) — " Ah, Mr. Fogarty, the days for humbugging 
 
Jack Westropp. iy 
 
 are past. The hoof of the Saxon is upon us. The wrongs 
 of centuries have to be avenged. Ireland shall yet be a 
 nation ! " 
 
 " And who are ye then at all, that's goin' on with your 
 speechifyin' ? — for be me sowl ye haven't told me yet." 
 
 " Have I not told you that I am the son of O'Connell — 
 commonly known as ' young Dan ' ? " 
 
 11 Young Dan— glory be to Goodness ! " — and he grasped 
 my hand in a paroxysm of delight. " Oh if the misthress 
 only hard of this, it's her 'ud be the proud woman to-day • 
 And sure enough, I was half thinkin' it's yourself was in it 
 be the voice and the grand big words." 
 
 " It is myself that's in it, Mr. Fogarty, and I am proud 
 and happy to see that you cherish such feelings for my 
 father. Ireland is awakening at his bidding from the 
 lethargy of ages. ' From Cape Clear to the Giant's Causeway, 
 and from Connemara to the Hill of Howth, the cry of Repeal 
 is heard.' " 
 
 " Ah, then, Mr. O'Connell honey, you know a wondherful 
 sight of joggraphy ; — and you spake so like the ould 
 gentleman himself! If I only shut my eyes, I'd take my 
 bible oath he was to the fore." 
 
 " My dear sir, you flatter me." 
 
 " But come along, man. Be the tare of war, you must 
 dine with me this blessed night. A son of the Liberator ! " 
 
 And in his exultation, he actually cut a caper on the 
 public footway. 
 
 " I really could not think of trespassing — " 
 
 vol. i. c 
 
18 Jack Westropp. 
 
 i( May the divil renounce me — (Lord forgive me for 
 swearin'!) — but you must. I'm stopping at Morrison's, 
 quite handy, come along ; — they must get the best in the 
 house for ye." 
 
 " You are most kind, Mr. Fogarty," I observed with an 
 air of considerable condescension, though inly relishing the 
 prospect of a good dinner not less than the whimsicality of 
 the whole personation. "Be it then as you will. My 
 father will be pleased when he hears of all this." 
 
 I strolled on with him towards Morrison's, rather regretting 
 that our dinner was to be tete-a-tete, there would be such fun 
 in acting so novel a character in presence of admiring 
 spectators. The O'Fogarty — for by such sonorous title did 
 I assure him he should properly be designated, in virtue of 
 his ancient lineage — was as good as his word. We had a 
 sumptuous dinner, and over our brandy and champagne I 
 fired him with wonderful visions of the future glories of 
 Ireland. When we had the Parliament in College Green 
 all rents should be moderate, all crops should be abundant, 
 the alien Church should be abolished, and Irish manufactures 
 should rival, if not eclipse, those of the hated Saxon. Mr. 
 Fogarty himself would make an admirable member for 
 Ballinasloe under a revised constitution. Into whose hands 
 could the great pig and cattle interests of Ireland be more 
 safely entrusted ? Who could speak with more authority on 
 the growth of shorthorns, and the application of manures ? 
 Who could throw a more copious flood of light upon the 
 Bog of Allen, or bring the results of larger experience to 
 
Jack Westropp, 19 
 
 bear upon the drainage of the Shannon and the Suck ? 
 He had adult sons, too, and when the mantle of leadership 
 rested on my shoulders, I should take care that they had the 
 best of what was going. My countenance, my patronage 
 should be always at the service of a Fogarty. Here a happy 
 thought struck me. 
 
 Was it fair for my host to be thrown into a state of 
 rapture by so consummate an artist as myself, simply at the 
 expense of my dinner and my wine ? Should I not obtain 
 from him some more lasting token of his gratitude and 
 esteem ? In those days Eugene Sue's romances were teeming 
 from the press. I was a much more diligent student of 
 them than of Blackstone ; and in no respect did they 
 attract my admiration more than by their eloquent advocacy 
 of the principles of communism. Lytton Bulwer, too, was 
 one of my favourite novelists, and had he not deliberately 
 chosen Paul Clifford and Eugene Aram for heroes? I had 
 something of the good old Robin Hood spirit about me. I 
 would cheerfully give to the poor — if I had it ; but I was 
 poor myself; and the rich must give to me. Was it just or 
 right that this old man should possess a hundred thousand 
 pounds, while I, his superior in rank, family, talent, and 
 education, had not a guinea ? Should I not levy a slight 
 income tax on his vast resources ? 
 
 " By-the-bye, Mr. Fogarty, that was an awkward circum- 
 stance enough." 
 
 "What was that?" 
 
 ' ' You may remember, just as we were coming in, I felt a 
 c 2 
 
20 Jack Westropp. 
 
 sort of chuck at my trousers pocket, and saw an ugly 
 looking fellow pass us. I believe I mentioned it at the 
 time. 
 
 ( ' Bad scran to the word." 
 
 " Perhaps not, we were so much absorbed in our con- 
 versation. And now I find that the rascal has stolen my 
 purse." 
 
 " Holy Saint Bridget of Egypt, you don't say so ! — And 
 was there much in it ? " 
 
 "Urn — not much — only twelve, seventeen, six; but still 
 it's embarrassing. The awkwardness is, that I was to start 
 to-morrow morning for a Repeal meeting in Cork. The 
 train leaves at seven, and of course none of the banks will 
 be open at that hour." 
 
 14 Be the hole of my coat," cried my companion, with 
 beaming eyes, " I'll be the proudest man in Ireland if you'll 
 take the lend of it from me." 
 
 " My dear Mr. Fogarty, I could not think of such a 
 thing — impossible — monstrous ! " 
 
 " Faix )0u must now." 
 
 11 From a new acquaintance, too." 
 
 44 A new acquaintance ! Arrah, get out of that ! Is it 
 the son of Dan O'Connell ? " 
 
 44 You are really very kind, but under the circumstances 
 it would not be fair." 
 
 " Fairity be hanged ! A thrifle of a few pounds ! Did ye 
 never hear tell that the Fogartys always had a sperit ? " 
 
 The present representative of the family, at all events, 
 
Jack Westropp. 21 
 
 was no wise deficient in this respect ; and I felt something- 
 like remorse at the readiness with which he opened his 
 purse to me. Had he been a miserly curmudgeon, I 
 should have accepted this loan without the slightest pang. 
 
 He handed me three five pound notes, observing that 
 the " thrifle of difference was not worth spakin' of," a view 
 in which I at once concurred. I gave him in return an 
 I.O.U., written in a hand slightly disguised, as well as 
 rendered somewhat illegible by my previous libations, the 
 signature " D. O'Connell jun." bearing in fact a strong 
 resemblance to the not inappropriate words " Do nocturnal 
 fun " ; and so Old and Young Ireland parted on the best 
 possible terms with each other. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 EMBRACES A LEARNED FAMILY. 
 
 On calmly considering next day the little incident just 
 recorded, I did not feel altogether free from apprehension. 
 The personation, no doubt, had been very amusing ; but 
 our absurd laws would probably attach some degree of 
 criminality to the trifling outburst of a communistic spirit 
 that had accompanied my practical joke. I solaced 
 myself, indeed, with the reflection that, in the somewhat 
 improbable event of my becoming rich, I could refund 
 Fogarty the money, and explain the hoax. But no; — it 
 would be wiser, in any case, to u keep dark " ; and yet, was 
 it so very easy to do so ? I looked forward with no little 
 uneasiness to the probability of my being recognized in the 
 street by my late boon companion. I recollected him 
 saying, however, that he had to return to Ballinasloe in two 
 days, and for that brief period I contrived to be confined to 
 the house with a severe cold. On the third I ventured 
 abroad as usual, stifling all anxiety by the reflection that the 
 I.O.U. did not bear the faintest trace of my handwriting, 
 and that in the event of the holder identifying me, and 
 
Jack Westropp. 23 
 
 becoming troublesome, I should have little difficulty in 
 having him imprisoned as a dangerous lunatic. 
 
 On the following Sunday I proceeded with my sister 
 Kate to St. Stephen's Church, Upper Mount Street. Here 
 a ludicrous incident befell me. 
 
 The sexton handed us into the pew occupied by a certain 
 Mr. Shegog, professor of some abstruse science in Trinity 
 College, and his three daughters. Professor Shegog, 
 a tall, thin, slovenly man, with spectacles and a stoop, had 
 the reputation of being a profound scholar — a reputation, 
 no doubt, well founded, as far as regarded the outsides of 
 books. He was grand in title-pages. He was unrivalled 
 in the enumeration of editions. I question if the librarian 
 of the Bodleian could have surpassed him as " an index 
 scholar." Further deponent saith not ; — but mighty 
 reputations for erudition have been built on even slighter 
 foundations than these. 
 
 We were a few minutes late, and the congregation was 
 standing during the performance of the Te Deum. 
 Henrietta, the eldest and prettiest of Mr. Shegog's 
 daughters, was laudably endeavouring to accommodate a 
 person of such prepossessing exterior as myself with a posi- 
 tion beside her, when unfortunately a button of my coat got 
 entangled in one of those countless strings with which the 
 garments of young ladies are mysteriously intertwined. I 
 made a most graceful attempt to extricate myself, but — 
 horresco referens — only succeeded in complicating myself 
 more deeply. What was to be done ? It absolutely seemed 
 
24 Jack Westropp. 
 
 as if Miss Shegog and I were embracing each other. Oh, 
 misery ! Never did I more devoutly wish for the shades of 
 night to fall upon me. The poor girl in my arms looked 
 ready to sink into the earth with shame and confusion, 
 and, I regret to say for the sake of human nature, an un- 
 mistakable titter ran through almost the whole congregation. 
 Jeanie Deans, dragged into church by Madge Wildfire, 
 ambling and mincing in her fantastic garb, could not have 
 been a more pitiable object than my fair companion in arms. 
 There was only one mode of escape, and fortunately I 
 summoned up presence of mind enough to take out my 
 penknife, and cut the Gordian knot of my difficulties. 
 Sunshine was at once restored to Henrietta's clouded brow, 
 and, smiling her thanks, she put her prayer book into my 
 hand. We stood together, knelt together — I had almost 
 said prayed together ; but prayer in such circumstances was 
 clearly out of the question. Thus it was that an accident, 
 so tormenting at first, was the means of establishing a sort 
 of freemasonry between us, and of making me long for 
 an intimate friendship. Should I not take advantage of the 
 chance so auspiciously thrown in my way by fortune ? 
 Should I not embrace the opportunity ? 
 
 The novelty of the situation had the effect of keeping me 
 awake during the whole of a profoundly dull sermon, 
 abounding in texts, and not containing a single original 
 thought. After an infliction of three-quarters of an hour 
 this vocal torture ceased, and " my beloved brethren " were 
 suffered to depart. We left the church under the fire of 
 
Jack Westropp. 2 5 
 
 hundreds of inquisitive eyes, and giggled at by a multitude 
 of professing Christians. However, we were all in the best 
 possible spirits, and we hurriedly introduced each other in 
 a scrambling manner, laughing heartily all the while at 
 the singular source of our acquaintanceship. People, 
 indeed, do so habitually sit close to each other in church, 
 and then meet in the street as perfect strangers, that it 
 is almost to be desired an accident of this sort might 
 sometimes happen, to charm away their stiffness. 
 
 We joined our new friends in a walk along the Grand 
 Canal, leading to their residence at Rathmines, and on the 
 way I put forth my conversational powers for the benefit of 
 the young ladies, with what I considered at the time no little 
 success. I was in such high spirits after the odd scene of 
 which I had been the hero, that I did not observe that these 
 weird sisters, like their father, were rather abstracted in 
 manner, an occasional " indeed ! " or "you don't say so ? n 
 being the sole reply they vouchsafed to my most animated 
 remarks. These and other little peculiarities, however, 
 did not escape the critical observation of my sister Kate. 
 Before parting, we rashly accepted an invitation to tea at 
 their house for the next evening. 
 
 During our walk Professor Shegog asked me what I 
 thought of the sermon under which I had writhed so much. 
 As I did not remember a single word of it, the question was 
 somewhat embarrassing. 
 
 " The sermon," said I, " hum — the sermon, yes, it was not 
 bad in point of theology ; but the delivery was too cold. I 
 
26 Jack Westropp. 
 
 am accustomed to the fire and eloquence of Fleury and 
 Gregg, and I think these qualities are ' things properer for 
 a sermon,' as Charles Lamb once stutteringly translated 
 Horace's sermoni propiora? 
 
 I considered this an ingenious mode of escaping all 
 discussion of the sermon. Unfortunately, however, the 
 classical reference roused the Professor to a full display 
 of his peculiar powers. 
 
 " Yes," he rejoined, " you mention Horace — a very gifted 
 man. I have some choice editions of him. Our best trans- 
 lation of him is by Francis. It is surprising that neither 
 Dryden nor Pope tried it. I suppose you have seen Basil's 
 folio edition of 1580, illustrated by eighty commentators ? " 
 
 " I can't exactly say I have." 
 
 " That is a pity j but I think I'll be able to show you 
 a copy. They are extremely rare. Of course you are 
 familiar with Baxter's edition, edited by Gesner — " 
 
 " Not at all." 
 
 u Dear me, how strange ! — Nor the celebrated Glasgow 
 one of 1744? " 
 
 " Nor it, either. But I am sorry to say " (looking at my 
 watch) " our dinner hour is just up. My mother will be 
 waiting for us." 
 
 " But talking of Francis reminds me of the great contro- 
 versy about the letters of Junius. I have a hundred and 
 seventeen treatises on the subject — " 
 
 II What an astonishing number ! " 
 
 " Sixty-two of which — a slight majority — agree on fixing 
 on Sir Philip Francis as the author." 
 
Jack Westropp. 2J 
 
 " How very interesting ! " 
 
 11 1 am delighted you think so." 
 
 " But time presses, Mr. Shegog." 
 
 " If you like, I can lend you some of them." 
 
 " Many thanks, my dear sir. We can talk of the matter 
 to-morrow night, but at present I must be off." 
 
 I escaped from his clutches by a somewhat violent effort, 
 and departed, having shaken hands with the whole family 
 and favoured Henrietta with a killing smile. As Kate and 
 I walked homewards, laughing over the singularities of the 
 day, I could not help reflecting that my schoolboy " Anthon " 
 presented quite sufficient difficulties to the student of a 
 great poet in the original, without his troubling himself 
 about recondite editions. 
 
 Monday evening proved clear, starry, and slightly frosty, 
 and Kate and I were in the highest spirits as we wended our 
 way to Rathmines. We found Mr Shegog's house a large, 
 well built, and commodious one, though we noticed many 
 things in the household arrangements of which it was 
 impossible to speak in terms of praise. Such trifles, however, 
 as a soiled table-cloth, a chair requiring dusting, or a carpet 
 in which holes are beginning to make their appearance, are 
 little minded when everybody is determined to be pleased. 
 Our new friends gave us a very cordial reception, and the 
 effect of the blazing fire after leaving the keen night air was 
 certainly most agreeable. The table, too, was strewn with a 
 profusion of very appetizing cakes, to which, on the appear- 
 ance of tea, we all speedily proceeded to do justice. 
 
 Owing, I presume, to their eschewing society, and living 
 
28 Jack Westropp. 
 
 almost altogether to themselves, there were some peculiari- 
 ties in the manners of the Misses Shegog, and of their 
 widowed father, which I feel it necessary to mention here. 
 The Professor, for instance, kept two or three piles of books 
 and pamphlets, probably attaining a height of three feet, 
 lying close to his chair, and ever and anon he interrupted 
 the task of hurried conversation to grope among these works, 
 and jot down some remark suggested by them. The 
 younger girls observed the decencies of society pretty well 
 for a couple of minutes after Henrietta had poured out tea, 
 and then Jane pounced on a scientific work, in which she 
 became immersed, and Esther — " hazy," as she might be 
 called — plunged headlong into the Pilgrimage of Child e 
 Harold. Henrietta, however, kept clear of all such outrages 
 on decorum, and smiled sweetly on her erring sisters, so I 
 had some hopes, in her case at least, of the beneficial result 
 of an intimacy between her and Kate. 
 
 Jane, having eaten a tart in a state of apparently total 
 unconsciousness, slightly raised her eyes from her book and 
 asked — 
 
 "What do you think of the theory of fluxions, Miss 
 Westropp ? " 
 
 " I — I have really never thought about them at all," 
 replied Kate, colouring. 
 
 " Indeed ? — what a pity ! Then I suppose you are not 
 familiar with Leibnitz ? " 
 
 " I have never seen him in my life — ah — I mean — I 
 have never studied him." 
 
Jack Westropp. 29 
 
 "Sir Isaac Newton and he,' said Mr. Shegog, uncon- 
 sciously coming to the rescue, <( disputed this discovery, but 
 Newton was clearly in the right. I have the latest French 
 work on the controversy here. I will be able to show it to 
 you in a moment ; " — and he began rummaging among the 
 piles of publications I have referred to. I need not say 
 the question had no present interest for either Kate or 
 myself, but it absorbed Jane Shegog's attention so wholly 
 that in answer to an appeal from Henrietta for the sugar 
 bowl, she immediately passed on a pot of raspberry jam. 
 
 " Oh, how I could devour Byron ! " cried Esther, passion- 
 ately raising her eyes from the pages of Childe Harold, 
 and despatching a cheese-cake with a celerity that would 
 have appalled the soul of the noble poet. This was too 
 much; and my exertions to preserve my gravity were so 
 severe that I could not trust myself to speak. Kate, 
 however, had more mastery over her feelings, and it was 
 with apparent composure that she said — 
 
 "Yes, his poetry is very beautiful." 
 
 11 Oh, it is overwhelming — it pierces the very depths of 
 my soul ! Here's language — here's an image ! 
 
 ' The hell of waters ! where they howl and hiss, 
 And boil in endless torture.' " 
 
 So exalted was her state of feeling that she actually 
 suffered some hot tea to fall from her cup on her hand, as 
 if to give a practical illustration of the poet's meaning, on 
 a small scale. 
 
30 Jack Westropp, 
 
 " And you, Miss Shegog," said Kate, turning to 
 Henrietta, " are you as close a student as your sisters ? " 
 
 " Pretty much about the same. I must tell you I am a 
 devoted entomologist." 
 
 11 Indeed ! " — Kate, be it known, was very weak in the 
 " ologies," and confounding this formidable word with 
 " conchologist," observed that it was a very nice taste. 
 
 " I am glad you like it," said Miss Shegog. " I have an 
 extremely rare collection, from all parts of the world. 
 Perhaps you would like to see them ? " 
 
 u Very much, indeed, when quite convenient." 
 
 " They are all in the next room, and we always have a 
 fire there, to keep them warm, the pets." 
 
 Kate was astonished to hear of a fire being required 
 to keep shells warm j but she had been born, like Lord 
 Derby, " in the pre-scientific age," and she was now 
 prepared for anything in the way of wonders. 
 
 The moment the tea-things were removed Henrietta 
 vanished. She quickly returned with a triumphant air, 
 cautiously carrying a large glass case with compartments, in 
 which we could see divers hideous things crawling. Kate 
 started, and grew pale. 
 
 " I got some beautiful beetles from Sumatra — but the 
 poor things died : the fact is, I believe the science of 
 acclimatization is only in its infancy. But look at this — 
 here's a beauty ! " — and she produced an ugly bloated 
 thing like a tadpole. u This is the only one of its kind in 
 Ireland. Look well at it, for you may never see its like 
 
Jack Westropp. 31 
 
 again— (I am so glad you like my taste, Miss Westropp) — 
 oh, but wait till you see the snake I keep in my own 
 room ! — perfectly harmless. My industrious fleas are doing 
 splendidly too — and here, see here — " and in her enthusiasm 
 she allowed some abominable many-legged things to crawl 
 about the table. 
 
 " Oh, the odious monsters ! " cried Kate, sinking horror- 
 struck on her chair. 
 
 " You know, Henrietta, my dear, some ladies don't like 
 them," said the Professor, reprovingly. 
 
 "Yes — but Miss Westropp said she quite admired my 
 taste ; " — and, seeing that a mistake had been made, 
 she proceeded to restore these rare specimens to their glass 
 prison. 
 
 All this was bad enough ; and I feared that something 
 still worse might be in store for us. As a pressman, 
 accustomed to mix in all sorts of strange scenes, I derived 
 nothing but amusement personally from the peculiarities of 
 this dreadful family ; but I could see that Kate was 
 seriously agitated and alarmed, just as if she had suddenly 
 found herself in a private lunatic asylum, and that a speedy 
 retreat from the menagerie was necessary. Self-preservation 
 was the first law of nature, and, however it might grate on 
 my feelings to withdraw immediately after tea, the outrages 
 they were committing left me no other course. I said 
 therefore, that, deeply as I regretted having to leave them 
 just as objects of interest were crowding fast upon us, I felt 
 it desirable for my sister to have the benefit of the night 
 air, as she was clearly, unwell. 
 
32 Jack Westropp. 
 
 To do them justice, they all expressed regret for the 
 annoyance Kate had undergone. 
 
 11 1 daresay you are quite right in walking for a while in 
 the fresh air," said Henrietta. " It is an excellent tonic ; 
 but I hope you will feel strong enough to come back to us 
 in a few minutes." 
 
 To this hospitable proposal I muttered a sort of qualified 
 assent. Forewarned was forearmed. I felt that the great 
 point was to escape. The fly had seen what was in the 
 spider's parlour, and did not wish to try a second visit. 
 Fortunately we were soon under the stars once more, and as 
 we departed, I inly vowed by Gog and by Magog that 
 nothing should ever induce me to enter the house of 
 Professor Shegog again. 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 IN WHICH MR. FOGARTY'S OUTRAGEOUS PROCEEDINGS CALL 
 FOR THE INTERVENTION OF THE CIVIL POWER. 
 
 The judicious reader will probably consider that the few 
 proofs already adduced of my presence of mind and fertility 
 of resources amply qualified me for the part of an Irish 
 patriot. I thought so myself, at all events. Mr. O'Connell's 
 suggestions had sunk deep into my mind ; and two months 
 after my call to the bar I formally renounced the errors of 
 Conservatism, and was received with open arms by the great 
 Repeal party. During that period I was only engaged in 
 one record, in conducting which, I regret to say, my wit 
 and eloquence did not save me from being pulled up half a 
 dozen times by Judge Perrin, for the irrelevancy of my 
 arguments and my misapplication of the law of the case. 
 My old friend Mr. St. George, with whose paper, the 
 Retriever, I had of course ceased all connection, did not 
 forget me. In his comments on my tergiversation in that 
 journal, he basely insinuated — obviously referring to the 
 episode of the dress suit— that perhaps it was not the first 
 time the learned gentleman had laid aside his old habits to 
 
 VOL. I. D 
 
34 Jack Westropp. 
 
 strut in new ones that might suit his occasion for awhile. 
 The italics were his ! 
 
 Public men, however, must receive stabs like these with 
 silent contempt. Fortunately Mr. O'Connell knew perfectly 
 well what was required in his lieutenants. It was not by 
 logic, and legal lore, and midnight study, that the finest 
 peasantry in the world were to be coaxed out of the sinews 
 of war — " a farthing a week, a penny a month, a shilling a 
 year " — by which Ireland was to be made a nation ; and so 
 clearly did the great agitator discern my peculiar powers 
 that he expressly selected me for the task of addressing 
 some vast Repeal meetings in Tipperary in the approaching 
 month. 
 
 I was quartered on Father Tom O'Dowd, of Cahir, an 
 experienced old politician, by whose advice I spoke rather 
 mildly and guardedly in my first two efforts. I carefully 
 followed in these the tactics of my great prototype by 
 lashing the passions of my ignorant hearers to fury, and 
 then, when they were ripe for rebellion, reminding them to 
 violate no law, but to keep strictly within the limits of the 
 constitution. Father Tom then told me that I " had taken 
 out my eye-teeth, and might get on to my liking." That I 
 was ready to play "the lion's part extempore," which we are 
 told is "nothing but roaring," may appear from the follow- 
 ing peroration to my third harangue, delivered to some 
 fifty thousand ragamuffins on a slope of the Galtees : — 
 
 " Men of Tipperary, are ye willing to be free ? (ay, 
 begorra). Then, if you refuse to rot in the darkest 
 
Jack Westropp. 35 
 
 dungeons of the despot, mark my words. There is a cloud 
 in the west no bigger than a man's hand. I see it gather- 
 ing. That cloud may burst in a thunderstorm that will 
 shatter the pillars of despotism to their base (great 
 enthusiasm). Sons of the soil, you are men of peace, like 
 myself. I know it well. But the god of battles never 
 sleeps ; the stalwart heroes of the premier county will never 
 yield. There is a Nemesis in the future. There is a star of 
 hope on the horizon. There is a murmur of freedom in the 
 air (tremendous cheers). The glorious banner of liberty, 
 fanned by the Atlantic breezes from Malin's Head to 
 Macgillicuddy's Reeks, is unfurled before the wondering 
 nations. The spirit of our ancestors, bold as a strong man 
 armed, is ready to swoop down with avenging sword on the 
 tyrant who would trample with bloodstained hoof on the 
 dearest liberties of my country ! " 
 
 Bully Egan's appeal to the jury not to suffer themselves 
 to be " daunted by the dark oblivion of a frown " scarcely 
 beat this. The multitude, however, delighted in a speaker 
 who would 
 
 " Rend with tremendous sound their ears asunder, 
 .With gun, drum, trumpet, blunderbuss and thunder ; " 
 
 and though my fiery words were (purposely) devoid of any 
 meaning, they had a very rebellious and bloodthirsty sound, 
 and consequently were received with rapture. I was 
 escorted home on the shoulders of my admirers, to the accom- 
 paniment of brass bands, and amidst the tramp of heroes ; 
 and while the Retriever sneered at my " cheap heroism," 
 
 D 2 
 
36 Jack Westropp. 
 
 and my " mixed metaphors," the Firebrand pronounced my 
 peroration the finest thing since the days of Demosthenes. 
 
 Every one knows that the repeal " rent " rose in the 
 summer of 1843 to the fabulous sum of three thousand 
 pounds a week ; but every one does not know what 
 became of the money, — nor do I propose to tell them. 
 Suffice it to say that I found agitation a most satisfactory 
 profession, that my pockets were now well lined, that I lived 
 sumptuously at the table of the Liberator and his 
 followers, and that the more I fattened on the multitude, 
 the more hopeless did I represent their condition to be. 
 They were serfs, bondsmen, down-trodden worms; — but 
 let them only contribute liberally to the rent, and Ireland 
 would yet be a nation. 
 
 My growing success as an orator and a patriot naturally 
 made me a welcome guest at Munkittrick Hall, to which 
 the reader has already been introduced ; and as I flattered 
 myself I was steadily making way in the good graces of the 
 fair Mary Anne, and as I knew I now stood high in the 
 estimation of both her parents, I was watching for an 
 eligible opportunity of making "a bold stroke for a 
 wife." 
 
 The last week of August had arrived, and I was walking 
 down College Green arm-in-arm with Ferdinand Munkit- 
 trick, indulging in the bald disjointed chat common to 
 young men, and every now and then making some 
 insidious allusion to the manifold charms of my com- 
 panion's sister. 
 
Jack Westropp. 37 
 
 " Devilish pwelty gal ! " lisped Ferdinand; fixing his eye- 
 glass on a young lady who was just passing. 
 
 " Very ; — but ah, what is she to somebody — somebody 
 nearer home?" I ejaculated, heaving a sigh. The pro- 
 found mind of my companion was slow in grasping the 
 sense of this rather obvious question, in which he might be 
 supposed to take some fraternal interest ; and before he 
 could comprehend the full force of my meaning— the stiff- 
 ness of his neck being, no doubt, a grave obstacle in the 
 way of mental enlightenment — his attention was diverted 
 into another channel. 
 
 " By George, Westropp, here's a customer ! This is the 
 rummest cove I've seen this twelvemonth." 
 
 This observation referred to a large, strongly built man, 
 of very outre appearance, with a broad-brimmed hat, corduroy 
 breeches, gilt buttons, and enormous watch seals dangling 
 from his waistcoat, who was rapidly approaching us. My 
 mind misgave me. 
 
 " Be the mortial, that's him at last ! Tare an' ouns, let 
 me at him — hurroo ! " — And flourishing a short thick stick, 
 the stranger, whom the presentiment of the reader has 
 already identified as Mr. Philip Fogarty — just come up to 
 Dublin to enjoy the humours of Donnybrook fair, and do a 
 stroke of business in cattle — rushed at me. 
 
 The situation was critical. In many an uneasy hour, it 
 is true, I had calculated on a chance encounter with the 
 enemy, and had my plans well laid for repulsing a sortie ; 
 but I had never imagined that my next interview with the 
 
38 Jack Westropp. 
 
 holder of my memorable I.O.U. should take place while I 
 was walking with the brother of Mary Anne Munkittrick. 
 There was a disengaged car at hand ; and my first impulse 
 was to jump on it, and bribe the driver to extra speed with 
 the offer of a treble fare. At another time I should probably 
 have taken this course ; but flight just now would be a 
 virtual plea of guilty to the terrible charge which Mr. 
 Fogarty would be sure to pour into the ear of my bewildered 
 friend, thereby utterly destroying my hopes with Mary 
 Anne. The circulation of such a tale, too, must make me 
 incur the wrathful indignation of the great leader whose 
 paternity I had so playfully claimed, before I had made up 
 my mind to enlist under his banner. It is in trying 
 moments like these that coolness and readiness of resource 
 are most needed, and fortunately I proved equal to the 
 occasion. I saw at a glance that there was nothing for it 
 but to present a bold front to the enemy, and adopt a policy 
 of know-nothingism. 
 
 " Did you please to address me, sir ? " I asked the 
 stranger, with a stare of blank unconsciousness. 
 
 "Yes sir — I did, sir. Young Dan, indeed, the spalpeen ! 
 — as much young Dan as I'm the ould one. I'll ' young 
 Dan ' him— be the ! — " 
 
 He could get no farther. His profane ejaculations were 
 choked, and he seemed ready to burst with the violence of 
 his indignation. 
 
 "This is a very melancholy case," said I, looking sorrow- 
 fully round on the crowd that was beginning to assemble, 
 
Jack Westropp. 39 
 
 and tapping my forehead significantly ; will none of you be 
 good enough to run for a doctor? — a mad doctor," I 
 added, in an impressive stage whisper. 
 
 This vile insinuation had the desired effect of lashing 
 Mr. Fogarty into a state of mind really bordering on 
 frenzy. 
 
 " Oh, you villain ! — that a ghost may bite me if he 
 didn't swindle me out of fifteen pounds, lettin' on he was 
 young Dan himself ! — the misbegot crathure ! Oh you 
 notorious false prophet, when it comes to the great Fair Day 
 of Jerusalem I hope to be put among the sheep at the right 
 side, but as sure as you're there you'll get a horrible pucking 
 among the goats ! " 
 
 This outburst, so characteristic of an enraged grazier, had 
 the effect of exciting uproarious merriment among the crowd, 
 which had now become considerable. I felt that my 
 position was secure, and that I could afford to treat my 
 assailant in a spirit of magnanimity and mildness. 
 
 " After all," I said, " the poor gentleman may not be as 
 far gone as we imagine. He seems a decent person, and 
 he may have been imposed on by some schemer. There 
 must be some one in town remarkably like me, for I con- 
 stantly find myself accosted in mistake." 
 
 "Yes, he must have made some gweat mistake," 
 suggested Ferdinand. 
 
 " Mistake, the naygur ! — And who are you, young man, 
 I'd like to know? " turning fiercely on Ferdinand. "You 
 look as if you were rared a pet. Who paid for your shiny 
 
40 Jack Westropp. 
 
 hat, I wonder ? " — then in a contemptuous undertone — 
 " Lord save us, such quollity ! " 
 
 Ferdinand now became the object of public merriment, 
 which was only increased by the air of haughtiness with 
 which he drew himself up, and affected to stare at King 
 William's statue. To escape from a scene so humiliating 
 to a person of his lofty pretensions, he quickly engaged the 
 car I have mentioned. I got on it beside him. But before 
 driving away I suddenly acted on a whimsical impulse. 
 
 "To show, Mr. — ah — I beg pardon— would you favour 
 me with your name ? " 
 
 fl Fogarty, you divil's imp ; — be the hoky farmer, it's 
 yourself has it be heart better nor your Lord's prayer ! " 
 
 11 To show, Mr. Fogarty, that notwithstanding the extra- 
 ordinary outrage you have just committed, I neither shrink 
 from ulterior consequences, nor seek to visit on your aged 
 head the results of. conduct which seems to spring from 
 some unaccountable hallucination, I present you with my 
 card, in presence of high heaven and before my fellow 
 citizens — thus " : — 
 
 And taking out my card-case and pencil, I wrote with a 
 back hand on a blank card the words — 
 " Doctor Ireland, 
 
 Stephen's Green," 
 and handed it to the O'Fogarty, saying — 
 
 "There is my address. Please call at eight this evening, 
 and I will devote all the leisure at my disposal to the 
 investigation of this singular statement. Drive on." 
 
Jack Westropp. 41 
 
 I must here inform the reader that Dr. Ireland, a clever, 
 good-humoured, and somewhat eccentric elderly gentle- 
 man, was physician to the Dublin Police force, a post 
 which he held till an advanced age. I was very intimate 
 with him, and we spoke of him as " our family physician " — 
 rather a sinecure office, by the way, as he used to scold us 
 for being so disgracefully healthy. 
 
 Two days later the Dublin papers contained the account 
 of an extraordinary scene enacted at College Street Police 
 office. It appeared that a stout built, elderly man, de- 
 scribed on the sheet as " Philip Fogarty, grazier, 
 Ballinasloe," was charged with being a dangerous lunatic, 
 and causing a breach of the peace at Dr. Ireland's house. 
 That gentleman's female servant deposed that the prisoner 
 had called about eight o'clock the night before, and 
 demanded in a loud voice to see the doctor. She replied 
 that he was attending a lady at Kingstown, and would pro- 
 bably not be home till twelve o'clock. He then became 
 very violent and abusive, called the doctor most scurrilous 
 names, said he was hiding from him, and that he had 
 swindled him out of fifteen pounds, and a good dinner, 
 by passing himself off as " young Dan." Fortunately a 
 policeman was at hand, and she gave the unfortunate old 
 man into custody. The attempt of the latter to explain his 
 singular conduct only plunged the presiding magistrate 
 into a state of helpless mystification, and added to the 
 already strong presumption of Mr. Fogarty's insanity. 
 
 Dr. Ireland himself briefly acquainted the bench that he 
 
42 Jack Westropp. 
 
 had felt the prisoner's pulse, looked at his tongue, and 
 tested him on some crucial subjects, but that with the 
 exception of this deplorable hallucination, he found him 
 perfectly sound, although lamentably addicted to the habit 
 of profane swearing. He had no vindictive feeling to- 
 wards the unfortunate man for the annoyance he had 
 caused his household in his absence, and he hoped that a 
 return to his native air might restore the balance of the 
 prisoner's mind, probably unsettled by the excitements of 
 Dublin life, and the humours of Donnybrook Fair. He 
 added that he should not fail to send down his own 
 opinions for the guidance of Mr, Fogarty's physician in 
 Ballinasloe. 
 
 Acting on this admirable suggestion, the magistrate took 
 the defendant's own bail in a hundred pounds to keep the 
 peace towards all Her Majesty's subjects in general, and 
 Doctor Ireland in particular. As I read the report of the 
 case, I could not help arriving at the conclusion that Mr. 
 Fogarty had fared much worse with young than with old 
 Ireland. 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 IN WHICH GREEK MEETS GREEK, AND AN ALARMING 
 TUG-OF-WAR IS THE RESULT. 
 
 I can safely say that the autumn of 1843 was the proudest 
 and happiest period of my life. While still in my twenty- 
 sixth year I had paved my way to fame and independence, 
 simply by gratifying the passion of my countrymen for 
 vehement expositions of their wrongs. The delusive future 
 lay pictured before me in the fairest colours. I have always 
 held that, if there be any one power which a man ambi- 
 tious of immediate effects should prefer carrying about him 
 to all others, it is that of successful oratory. The influence 
 of the poet, the thinker, the man of science, may be wider 
 and more lasting, but it is exercised in silence, and too 
 often finds its birth only at the grave of genius. The 
 mightiest hero, after restless years of blood and toil, has 
 but the barren satisfaction of knowing that his name is a 
 terror to mankind. Perhaps the charm of a great singer is, 
 while it lasts, the most consummate in the world, but after 
 all, it is merely sensuous — 
 
 " For eloquence the soul, song charms the sense ; " 
 
44 Jack Westropp. 
 
 and when you remove the vocalist from the theatre, the concert 
 hall, and the drawing-room, he is nobody. But the power 
 of the orator need never slumber. He can exert it at all 
 times, and in all societies, and can speak home with equal 
 force to the individual listener as to thronging thousands. 
 Nay, if his gift be of the right sort, he can, like the poet, 
 address countless millions, distant nations, future ages. 
 While laying no claim to this priceless power, I too was, 
 after my kind, an orator, though but a wind-bag. I could 
 hold vast crowds charmed by talking to them inflated 
 nonsense. I carried about with me the wondrous Aladdin's 
 lamp of " eloquence," as the frothy and tinselled word-flux 
 so dear to mobs is called. And I was an Irishman — and 
 twenty-five ! 
 
 Writing at this time of day, I am almost ashamed to 
 record the fairy visions I cherished in that grand climacteric 
 of Repeal, the year 1843. Some ominous mutterings, it is 
 true, were heard across the channel, as O'ConnelPs " moral 
 force " demonstrations assumed such formidable dimen- 
 sions ; but I laughed all apprehensions to scorn. Had not 
 our leader again and again said that "we had bullied 
 Wellington and cowed Peel " ? — and was there any reason 
 to suppose that the Iron Duke would be more bully-proof 
 in '43 than he had been in '29 ? No. All would go well. 
 There would perhaps be some show of vigour on the part 
 of Sir Robert Peel, for appearance' sake, followed by the 
 usual rapid surrender. " The uncrowned monarch of our 
 affections " would speedily be proclaimed President or 
 
Jack Westropp. 45 
 
 Dictator. There would be secretaryships of state going 
 under him, and commissionerships, and all manner of good 
 things ; — and doubtless the present reminiscent would not 
 be forgotten in the distribution of the spoils. 
 
 Next month the bubble burst, and legal proceedings were 
 instituted against Mr. O'Connell and seven of his principal 
 lieutenants, who were bound over in heavy recognizances 
 to stand their trial at the Queen's Bench. I found, to my 
 great disgust, that I was not included in the famous state 
 prosecutions at all. This would never do. Vanity apart, 
 I had reason to fear that the supplies would fall off seriously 
 if I were not openly identified with the cause of the 
 oppressed patriots. Man in a civilized state is an advertis- 
 ing animal, and he who would succeed in this world must 
 blow his own trump3t. No time was to be lost ; and next 
 week notices to the following effect were extensively 
 placarded through Dublin : — 
 
 " Let Erin remember ! 
 
 " Next Thursday night at eight o'clock a Mass Meeting 
 will be held in the Round Room of the Rotunda, to take 
 into consideration the present state of affairs in our afflicted 
 country. The distinguished orator Mr. John Wardlaw 
 Westropp and other well-known speakers have kindly 
 promised to address the meeting. Fellow citizens, attend in 
 your thousands ! " 
 
 At five o'clock on the Thursday in question I dined at 
 the Bilton, tete-a-tete with my friend Jackson, a reporter on 
 the Firebrand, whom I filled with all manner of good 
 
46 Jack Westtopp. 
 
 things, eatable and drinkable. Tumbler after tumbler of 
 incomparable punch vanished from before us. Ah ! the 
 blight had not yet appeared on the whisky, any more than 
 on the potatoes. When the duty was so low, it was perhaps 
 scarcely worth while adulterating the article. Where shall 
 we now look for — but I forget that I am writing as an 
 historian, not as a political economist. 
 
 Homer sometimes nods ; and Mr. John Westropp, 
 reclining in his armchair before a blazing fire, was indulging 
 in a brief doze, totally oblivious of the wrongs of his 
 oppressed country, when he was admonished by a gentle 
 tap from his companion that his time was just up. 
 
 "Yes, thank you — pass the hot water. What! is this 
 you, Jackson ? Oh, I see — I remember perfectly — perfectly. 
 It is a deuced bore ; but hang it, now that I'm wide awake, 
 I'll give it to them in style. Mind you report me 
 verbatim* 
 
 " All right. Everything you say shall appear in the first 
 person, and the other speakers shall be fobbed off with a 
 summary." 
 
 " You're a brick. Come along ! A couple of hours will 
 do for the meeting, and then we'll come back here with a 
 few decent fellows, and wind up with an oyster. Begad, 
 we'll make a night of it." — And so we did. 
 
 A slight degree of unsteadiness might have been observed 
 in the step of the present autobiographer, as he entered the 
 Round Room of the Rotunda a few minutes afterwards, 
 amidst the ringing cheers of crowds of his fellow country- 
 
Jack Westropp. 47 
 
 men. A good deal of hissing, it is true, was also audible, 
 
 but I was not wholly unaccustomed to these unpleasant 
 
 sounds, and had usually "a short way with dissenters." On 
 
 reaching the platform a brother orator whispered to me, 
 
 "The Orangemen are here;" and on looking round the 
 
 meeting I perceived two or three hundred persons, for the 
 
 most part of very fierce aspect, all carrying thick sticks, and 
 
 wearing orange neckties. This did not seem to portend 
 
 much harmony, and in a more punchless mood I might 
 
 have regretted having convoked an assembly from which of 
 
 course no shade of Irish opinion could be fairly excluded. 
 
 But— 
 
 " Wi 5 tippermy we fear na evil ; 
 Wi' usquebaugh we'd face the devil." 
 
 I noticed a well-known detective standing near the door, 
 who vanished shortly after my arrival. Trifling as this little 
 circumstance was, it afforded me no slight gratification. 
 The authorities were on the alert. I had alarmed the 
 Castle. I had not been advertised in vain. I might be 
 crushed, indeed, but I should not be ignored. 
 
 An old farmer from Tallaght, named O'Toole, who had 
 distinguished himself as a zealous disciple of Fa therMathew, 
 was voted to the chair ; and this gentleman looked extremely 
 cross and suspicious as my moist eye and erratic gait 
 attracted his attention. But he had not the slightest real 
 cause for apprehension on my account, for I never spoke so 
 well as when " under the influence." 
 
 When this ancient swain had briefly returned thanks for 
 
48 Jack Westropp. 
 
 the honour conferred on him, and expressed a hope that we 
 would do everything in our power to save Ireland from the 
 murthering Saxon, some discordant shouts of approval were 
 raised by a select body of coal-porters and others of the 
 unwashed. The Orangemen immediately replied by the 
 performance of " Kentish fire," i.e. a slapping of the hands 
 three times in rapid succession, followed by a slight pause, 
 which was always the prelude to a more vigorous repetition 
 of this wild and strange note of admiration. 
 
 Matters looked stormy enough just now, but loud cries of 
 " Westropp ! Westropp ! " turned general attention into 
 other channels, and I arose to address the meeting, a 
 somewhat difficult task in such circumstances. I began in 
 a highly florid style — please call it poetical — which was not 
 without attractions for many of my hearers, but was 
 singularly ill suited to those hard-headed Orangemen. 
 
 " Fellow citizens," I said, " the year is in its decline, 
 Nature is arrayed in her scanty mantle of withered leaves, 
 the autumnal winds whistle through the groves of Killarney, 
 and the reverberating billows thunder on the desolate shores 
 of Donegal. (Loud cries of 'question' from the Orange party.) 
 I am coming to the question, if you will kindly permit me. 
 Let us imitate Nature in her mellow decadence. Let us be 
 truthful in our policy. Let us be sober in our conduct. 
 Let us shake off the yoke of oppression, just as we would 
 fling away a withered leaf. Let us raise up a cry, loud as 
 the roar of the Atlantic, for the salvation of our common 
 country. (Loud applause, during which I observed many 
 
Jack Westropp. 49 
 
 thick sticks introduced into the assembly, and distributed 
 among the coal-porters, who ranged themselves in a body 
 close to the platform.) Oh, my friends, this is a solemn 
 moment. Though the right arm of my beloved country is 
 paralyzed, she is awake. Turning uneasily on her couch, 
 she looks around and sees a handwriting on the wall, 
 which may yet make tyrants tremble. (Cheers and groans.) 
 You have heard of the monster of old, the many-headed 
 hydra, that was slain by the fabled Hercules. Thank God 
 we have an Irish Hercules, who is not fabulous ! It is for 
 the manhood of Dublin to take care that he is supported in 
 his exertions, until at last the British Lion shall be crushed 
 like the Lernsean Hydra. The Liberator of Ireland — (hisses 
 and Kentish fire from the Orangemen, and uproarious 
 applause from the coal-porters and the great body of the 
 meeting). Why quarrel about words ? My illustrious 
 friend Mr. O'Connell is threatened with a felon's cell. (' Serve 
 him right ! ' from a fierce ugly Orangeman, with the reddest 
 head of hair I ever saw.) Let me tell you, my friend, that 
 Mr. O'Connell has always considered your leader William 
 the Third a great man, — but if King William were alive to- 
 day, he would be the last man to rejoice that the necks of 
 the Catholics of Ireland were trodden on by dominant 
 landlords and an alien clergy." 
 
 It must have been those unlucky tumblers of punch. 
 Had I been solely inspired by the pump, I should cer- 
 tainly not have ventured on language which I had long 
 been in the habit of using with effect at Repeal meetings, 
 
 VOL I. E 
 
50 jack Westropp. 
 
 but which was ill adapted to a mixed assembly of Irish 
 politicians. The Orangemen could stand it no longer. 
 Maddened at what they considered an insult, they sprang 
 from their seats as one man, and rushed towards the platform. 
 O'Toole, the chairman, seriously alarmed, was attempting to 
 suggest that, as I was the sole offending party, I should be 
 handed over as a Jonah to the enemy, but his words were 
 completely lost in the uproar. Even as the fortifications 
 of Paris invited German artillery, so did the sticks of the 
 coal-porters suggest battle, and in point of fact a general 
 engagement ensued. While most of those present rushed 
 panic-stricken from the building, wildly shouting, " Help ! — 
 Murder ! — Police ! " the combat raged desperately at the 
 very foot of the platform. The coal-porters were much 
 stronger men individually, but their assailants had the 
 advantage both in numbers and discipline. I have seldom 
 had such a bad quarter of an hour as that, during which I 
 saw heroes falling, heard the groans of the wounded, and 
 had grave fears for my own life and the lives of others. It 
 is a great blessing in our Irish rows that, though frequently 
 " kilt," we are seldom " murdered all out." I do be- 
 lieve, however, that the latter tragic consummation would 
 have befallen several of us, and that I, in especial, would 
 never have had the opportunity afforded me of compiling 
 these memoirs, but for the prompt action of the detective 
 already alluded to. On leaving the room, that functionary 
 had driven hastily to the Castle, and informed the 
 authorities of his grounds for believing that the meeting 
 
Jack Westropp. 5 1 
 
 was charged with most combustible materials. In conse- 
 quence of these representations a large body of police was at 
 once despatched to the scene of action at the Rotunda. 
 They arrived, indeed, just in time to save life ; but even 
 as, at the very hour of decisive victory at Waterloo, Lord 
 Anglesea was struck by a ball which deprived him of a leg, 
 so did I receive my coup de grace just as peace was on the 
 point of being restored. I had already sustained some 
 blows and kicks which prostrated me, and was in the act of 
 rising with difficulty, when a violent blow of a shillelagh on 
 the head robbed me of all consciousness. I was carried 
 home insensible, and fears for my life were entertained ; but 
 I lived to be playfully congratulated by Mr. O'Connell on 
 " the great advantage I had in being such a thick-headed 
 fellow." For upwards of two months I was the tenant of a 
 sick bed, during which I was afforded ample leisure for 
 taking the whole state of affairs in Ireland into considera- 
 tion. 
 
 '-rstf- 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 MY DECLARATION TO MISS MUNKITTRICK. — STRANGE 
 SEQUEL. 
 
 Though I considered that unlucky scalp wound as one of 
 the severest blows of my life, it was not without its advan- 
 tages. I learned on my recovery that the authorities were 
 highly incensed at the scandalous outrage my winged words 
 had so unintentionally occasioned, and that the Privy Council 
 had solemnly deliberated as to the best mode of prose- 
 cuting me for causing and procuring the breaking of some 
 fifty heads of Her Majesty's subjects. Had I fallen into 
 the hands of government in the first outburst of its wrath, I 
 should certainly have found my aspirations after martyrdom 
 gratified ; but as time passed on, wiser counsels prevailed, 
 and the whole thing resolved itself into the most paltry 
 dimensions. The fault had manifestly lain not with me, 
 but with those who had chosen to take umbrage at my 
 words. Much blood, it is true, had flown ; but it was hot 
 blood, and could well be spared. Fortunately, though so 
 much peccant humour had been relieved without surgical 
 interference, no lives had been lost ; had they been, the 
 
Jack Westropp. 53 
 
 government could scarcely have winked at such a mode of 
 decreasing the surplus population. I myself might be con- 
 sidered sufficiently punished by the serious injuries 
 inflicted, and O'Toole, the chairman, who had so 
 magnanimously recommended me to be handed over to 
 the enemy, was the heaviest sufferer in the list of wounded, 
 being crippled for life. 
 
 I shall not trouble the reader with an account of my 
 sufferings during that weary and protracted illness, which 
 proved most disastrous to my pecuniary prospects. Of the 
 large sums I had gained by agitation, I had not eighty 
 pounds in hand at the time of my misadventure ; and this 
 poor fragment soon vanished in household and medical 
 expenses. Why is it that national gratitude has never 
 invested a fund sufficient to pension off patriots in melan- 
 choly contingencies like the present ? We are strangely 
 fitful in our philanthropy. We have old men's hospitals, 
 asylums for governesses, refuges for imbeciles, retreats for 
 penitent females, homes for lost dogs, and boarding-houses 
 for wild cats ; — but Ireland, a land which has been so 
 especially benefited by the self-sacrificing devotion of her 
 sons, has never yet provided an asylum for distressed 
 patriots ! I may return to the subject ; and should the 
 suggestions thrown out here lead to the establishment of so 
 desirable an institution, I shall feel that I have not lived 
 altogether in vain. 
 
 My joyous, rosy-cheeked old friend Dr. Ireland, who has 
 already figured in my memoirs, was unremitting in his 
 
54 Jack Westropp. 
 
 attentions. Great was my joy when, about the middle of 
 December, he came beaming to my bedside, and told me I 
 was " all right," and would soon be as well as ever, but 
 alas ! on two conditions. I should avoid all stimulating 
 liquors for an indefinite 'period, and should rigorously 
 abstain from speaking in public. Compulsory teetotalism 
 might be submitted to for a while, for health's sake ; but 
 total abstinence from oratory ! Why, oratory had been to 
 me a very Pactolus. 
 
 " Doctor," said I, "this will never do. I shall starve." 
 
 " Young people must always expect that after a long 
 illness, and there is no better sign. The appetite gets 
 wonderfully keen." 
 
 " But I mean—" 
 
 " You don't know what you mean. Take these bottles 
 as directed, and keep quiet, and you'll be able to eat a good 
 Christmas dinner with your family." 
 
 " But if I have no Christmas dinner to eat? " 
 
 " There it is ; you will wander. But a leech to your 
 nose will settle that." 
 
 " Leeches be hanged ! " I exclaimed. " Since I must 
 speak out plainly, doctor, I tell you I shall be a beggar." 
 
 " You grow wilder and wilder. I must tell your mother 
 to give you a warm bath this evening. It is always good in 
 cases of blood to the head." 
 
 " Blood ! Why, I don't think I have a drop of blood 
 left in my body." 
 
 " That's exactly what I mean. It has all gone to the 
 
Jack Westropp. 55 
 
 head — a common case with men who work the brain too 
 much. Put out your tongue." 
 
 And the tongue on which I had to depend solely for a 
 living was here subjected to the mockery of a medical 
 inspection. 
 
 " Was there ever so provoking a man?" I cried. 
 
 " Let me feel your pulse — there — very excitable still. 
 By-the-bye, Westropp, would you believe it? you were 
 positively raving about me last week." 
 
 " Raving about you ? " 
 
 " Yes, and swore it was you that sent old Fogarty to my 
 house to annoy me — ha ! ha ! ha ! " 
 
 " What ! do you mean to say I said that?" 
 
 " You did." 
 
 " Oh, then I must have been as mad as a March hare." 
 
 u No matter j you're improving now. Take a blue pill 
 to-night as well as the bath. The effect is surprising ; " — 
 and here he scribbled something wholly illegible for the 
 enlightenment of a neighbouring apothecary. 
 
 "This young rascal is getting on famously, Mrs. Westropp," 
 the doctor cheerfully observed to my mother, as she entered 
 the room. " But he must give up his oratory and his punch 
 altogether, and if the improvement continues, I'll let him go 
 to the south of France next month." 
 
 Thanking him for the kind permission, I slipped a guinea 
 into his hand, an act which he evidently regarded as a strong 
 symptom of returning sanity. When he departed, I indulged 
 in a prolonged rear of laughter at his statement that I had 
 
5 6 Jack Westropp. 
 
 disclosed the Fogarty episode in a state of delirium. My 
 mirth was not lessened by the suspicion that the worthy 
 doctor did not consider my ravings wholly without founda- 
 tion. He loved his joke, and I had observed a broad grin 
 of peculiar meaning on his cheeks as he referred to the 
 subject. But no man knew how to keep a secret better than 
 the doctor. 
 
 Amid all my apprehensions of impending ruin, I was 
 buoyed up by the hope of yet calling Mary Anne Mun- 
 kittrick mine. Her family had acted very kindly during my 
 illness. Ferdinand had twice called to inquire after me, and 
 old Mun himself had sent me a dozen of rare old sherry, 
 along with a basketful of grapes, and a short note, in which 
 he expressed a fervent aspiration that my illness might 
 speedily fly before the approach of Galen, and my eloquence 
 be heard once more upon my native mountains. Did not 
 all this look like an encouragement to my suit ? My passion 
 for the fair Mary Anne was obviously the cause of my in- 
 timacy at the house. Neither father nor son could be so 
 silly as to imagine that it was the pleasure of his company I 
 was wont to seek at Munkittrick Hall; the notion would 
 be too preposterous. Of course the judicious reader will 
 suggest that mere kindness was enough to account for the 
 courteous attentions I have mentioned, without reference 
 to any ulterior objects whatever ; — but somehow it did not 
 strike me in that light. 
 
 I brooded long and deeply over these momentous con- 
 siderations, and soon after Dr. Ireland's departure I 
 
Jack Westropp. 57 
 
 ventured for the first time to communicate my views to my 
 mother, a lady of whom as yet the reader knows nothing but 
 the name. Unfortunately, I could not well have selected a 
 more unsympathizing confidante. She had some high 
 connections, of whom she was as fond of talking as if they 
 had ever been of any use to her, and was deeply imbued 
 with that pride of birth which (in Ireland at least) is never 
 so strong as when it is wholly unaccompanied by fortune. 
 And certainly the blind goddess had not smiled upon our 
 family. I knew vaguely that our early days had been passed 
 in the most dingy circumstances. Though not twelve years 
 old when my father died, I clearly recollected that gentle- 
 man's mysterious consultations with attorneys, his moonlight 
 flittings with furniture, his brilliant suppers and card parties, 
 too often followed by his disappearance from society for 
 several days together, his shouting on one occasion from the 
 top of the house (too loudly) as an unwelcome visitor 
 knocked — " I'm not at home— I'm in the Queen's 
 County ! " — and many other things which had puzzled me a 
 good deal at the time of their occurrence. Now, one would 
 think that, whatever her other faults, the wife of such a man 
 would have been thoroughly exorcised of the demon of pride. 
 So far from that, it remained my mother's ruling passion to 
 the last. She had no objection to my associating with 
 people like the Munkittricks, who gave good dinners and 
 grand balls ; — a man might go anywhere ; — but as for her or 
 Kate condescending to know such parvenus, that was quite 
 a different matter. And now I had positively informed her 
 
58 Jack Westropp. 
 
 that I looked forward to an alliance with this upstart family 
 as the proudest object of my life. Did her ears deceive her ? 
 
 "Jack," said she, " I never thought I should have been 
 ashamed of you. You can't be in earnest." 
 
 " I never was more so." 
 
 " And who is this Munkittrick, after all ? " 
 
 11 A wine merchant of great wealth, and of the highest 
 respectability." 
 
 " You are so provoking. I know all that. I mean, who 
 was his father ? " 
 
 " Upon my honour I don't know, and it's not of the 
 slightest importance. It's his daughter I'm thinking of. 
 These fossil notions were all very well of old, but since the 
 Reform Act—" 
 
 " I know nothing of Acts of Parliament. I leave them 
 to you lawyers — " 
 
 (" You lawyers ! " oh, the unconsciously bitter irony of 
 the phrase ! ) 
 
 " — But I do know what society expects, and what people 
 of family owe to themselves." 
 
 " And I know what my creditors expect, and what we 
 will owe to others, if I can't get a rich wife. I am reduced 
 to my last 5/. note." 
 
 " I am very sorry to hear it ; — but we have often been 
 worse off still." 
 
 " And here I am, stretched on a sick bed, and forbidden 
 oratory when I recover. It will just come to this, mother, 
 that we shall be beggars." 
 
Jack Westropp. 59 
 
 " So much the more reason that we should have a proper 
 pride." 
 
 " A proper fiddlestick ! " I exclaimed in high indignation 
 at her folly. Then, peeing the eyes that had watched so 
 lovingly over me for months filled with tears, I apologized 
 for the unfilial outburst, and quickly made my peace. But 
 I was not in the least shaken in my determination of pro- 
 posing for Miss Munkittrick, maternal disapprobation and 
 religious differences to the contrary notwithstanding. 
 
 Filled with this doughty resolve, I had "a reverent care 
 of my health/' and by the first week in January I was 
 strong enough to call at Merrion Square, to pay the 
 compliments of the season at Munkittrick Hall. Though I 
 knew I had to do with a consummate coquette, who had 
 excited and blighted the hopes of many an ardent admirer, 
 I went to war with a light heart. I was fortunate enough 
 to find the fair Mary Anne at home and alone, which seemed 
 a good omen. To a man so little troubled with mauvaise 
 houte as myself, there was no great difficulty in coming 
 rapidly to business. When Miss Munkittrick congratulated 
 me on looking so well, I replied that the kindness of her 
 father and brother during my illness had left the deepest 
 impression on my heart. 
 
 " Your heart ! " she exclaimed, as if in surprise, " I 
 thought gentlemen had no hearts nowadays." 
 
 This looked like a disposition to meet me half-way, and 
 I thus answered the fair challenge, — 
 
 "Ah yes, and in my case a too susceptible one. And 
 
60 Jack We strop p. 
 
 yet you are partly right ; — I may say I have no heart, since 
 I have been robbed of it." 
 
 " Robbed of it? Dear me, what a pity! And who is 
 the thief, may I ask ? " 
 
 "Can you ask that, Mary Anne? Forgive the 
 presumption ; forgive me for calling you by the name that 
 is ever present to my mind." 
 
 " Why, you are as bad as Lord Nelson. He said that 
 when he died, ' want of frigates ' would be found engraved 
 on his heart." 
 
 " Ah ! Mary Anne, why this tone of mockery, when 
 treating of the dearest affections of our nature ? " 
 
 " There now — you want to pay me compliments." 
 
 " I want to tell you that my destiny is altogether in your 
 hands — that your image hovers around my couch, sleeping 
 or waking — that in sickness and health I am always thinking 
 of you." This was strictly true, at all events. 
 
 " In point of fact, you want to make love to me. How 
 very ridiculous ! " 
 
 u Oh, dearest, language is too weak to paint all I feel- 
 let me clasp those fairy fingers ; " — and I took possession 
 of her hand, after a slight struggle. 
 
 " You foolish fellow, what an absurd way to go on ! And 
 do you think I could have anything to do with a man who 
 would always be making speeches, and going to public 
 meetings to get his head broken ? " 
 
 " Not my head alone — my heart shall be broken if you 
 refuse to crown my hopes — oh, sweetest of girls ! " — and in 
 
Jack Westropp. 61 
 
 the ecstasy of my passion I tried to raise her fingers to my 
 lips. Imagine my horror when the door of the drawing- 
 room opened, and a military-looking man entered, by what 
 means admitted I know not Perhaps one of the flunkeys 
 had been " exhibiting his deportment " at the open hall door 
 as this gentleman called, or perhaps he had knocked and in 
 the excitement of the scene just described we had failed to 
 hear the summons. 
 
 " Captain Twycross ! " cried Mary Anne in amazement, as 
 our hands parted company. The name and the face 
 quickly recurred to my memory. When dancing with Miss 
 Munkittrick at the ball already described, she had tried to 
 check me in the current of my admiration by the hint, 
 " Captain Twycross is looking at us," and now this " liveried 
 minion of the Crown," as I had styled him on that occasion, 
 rose spectre-like before me at the most inopportune 
 moment conceivable. 
 
 " I beg pardon ; — perhaps I intrude," said the hero, with 
 a horribly convulsive attempt at a smile. 
 
 u Oh no, Henry, not at all ; I am surprised at you — 
 Captain Twycross — Mr. Westropp. In fact, this poor young 
 gentleman got his head broken — " 
 
 " What a pity ! " 
 
 " He is a little light-headed after his long illness, and he 
 just seized my hand — as you may have seen. But he is not 
 dangerous." 
 
 Though an orator by profession, I was struck dumb by 
 the cool effrontery that sought to ascribe the vehemence of 
 
62 Jack Westropp. 
 
 my passion to a fit of temporary insanity. Women always 
 beat us hollow on such occasions. 
 
 11 Oh, of course, if the poor young gentleman, as you call 
 him, is not responsible for his actions — that is another view 
 of the matter." 
 
 He could get no further. He puffed and panted with 
 rage, and drew himself up as though he were on drill. I 
 too was literally boiling over at the impertinence of his 
 language and conduct, and scowled fiercely on the prying 
 and meddlesome intruder. Matters looked serious. 
 
 " Men are such fools ! " soliloquized the wise Miss 
 Munkittrick. 
 
 I suppose I did look like one just then, and certainly 
 Captain Twycross had not the appearance of a Solomon. 
 But what had brought him there ? By what right did he 
 attempt to step between me and my happiness, just as it 
 seemed in a fair process of consummation ? If he had the 
 feelings of a gentleman, why had he not retired immediately 
 on recognizing the awkwardness of his position ? And why 
 had Miss Munkittrick addressed him by the familiar 
 "Henry"? I was bewildering myself over these knotty 
 problems, when the gallant captain recovered his speech. 
 
 " I repeat, Mary Anne," he said, " I am sorry if Mr. 
 Westropp's wits are gone astray. It is a serious assertion, 
 and I am sure you would not make it without good cause. 
 But considering that we are to be married next week — " 
 
 " Married ! " I ejaculated in accents of horror, that must 
 have made me really look non compos mentis. I could say 
 
Jack Westropp. 63 
 
 no more. I leant for support against the mantelpiece. 
 The room swam. The floor reeled. The windows danced 
 before me. Demons were ringing their songs of jubilee in 
 my ear. 
 
 " The very thing I was on the point of telling Mr. 
 Westropp when you came in, Henry, — without the formality 
 of knocking. And I must say your manner to me was 
 scarcely kind." She pouted, and seemed struggling with 
 emotion. 
 
 The grapes had suddenly become uncommonly sour. 
 "Was there ever such a heartless flirt ? " I asked myself; — 
 about to be married to one man, and yet — from mere force 
 of habit, let us charitably put it — trifling with the affections 
 of another to the very last ! The reader will find later on 
 that marriage exercised a very sobering effect upon this 
 lively young lady, but I could not help often asking myself 
 how long she would have encouraged my suit, had it not 
 been for the singular interruption that had checked her 
 while amusing herself by playing with my feelings. 
 
 I saw in a moment how the land lay, and felt that I was 
 de trop with such a couple. Man of peace though I was, I 
 longed to pick a quarrel with this man of war, who had 
 shattered all my hopes in a moment; but of course I had 
 no just grounds for doing so. There was nothing for it but 
 to treat him with a dignified reserve, that should show him 
 I was not quite as light in the head as had been repre- 
 sented. 
 
 Summoning all my presence of mind by a desperate effort, 
 
64 Jack Westropp. 
 
 I said with assumed calmness—" I regret, Miss Munkittrick, 
 that Captain Twycross interrupted you as you were about to 
 tell me of your matrimonial engagement. I wish you both 
 much joy. You will kindly remember me to your parents 
 and Ferdinand. Good afternoon." 
 
 I bowed gracefully, though ready to blow my brains out, 
 and in a state of mind bordering on frenzy vanished with 
 stately step from the hospitable threshold of Munkittrick 
 Hall. 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 I GIVE PROOFS OF CONTINUED CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF, 
 AND OF THE EVILS OF EXCESS IN OTHERS. 
 
 Amidst all the vicissitudes of a checkered career, I have 
 seldom felt so utterly prostrated as after that scene. When 
 called to the bar, as we have seen, almost a year before, I 
 was just as penniless, and just as uncertain of any provision 
 for the future, as now ; — but at that time I had been a 
 nobody. Now I was a somebody, a well-known public man 
 with a position to maintain. I was daily the theme of 
 leading articles, scurrilous or pinegyrical — the scurrility 
 being upon the whole even more welcome than the pane- 
 gyric. This load of " fame " was delightful as long as I 
 had a grateful country to draw upon, but how was I to 
 support my pretensions when reduced to my last guinea, 
 ignorant where to make another, and dashed suddenly from 
 those airy heights where I had been revelling in the prospect 
 of a wife with forty thousand pounds ? Oh, it was terrible ! 
 — and not the less so that this valuable prize had fallen to 
 the lot of a man like Twycross, who, as I speedily learned 
 had substantial private means of his own. Somehow wealth 
 always clings to wealth. But I gladly hasten on. 
 vol. i. F 
 
66 Jack Westropp. 
 
 On mature deliberation I felt that there was only one 
 course open to redeem my fallen fortunes. I must give 
 myself a grand public dinner, in testimony of continued 
 confidence in my character and policy. To that dinner I 
 must invite eminent patriotic merchants, distinguished 
 Repeal agitators, prominent conductors of National journals, 
 A crisis had arrived, and a blow must be struck. If the 
 elder tribune were threatened with a jail for his efforts to 
 regenerate Ireland, should the base claims of the butcher 
 and the grocer doom his youthful lieutenant to a similar 
 fate ? Forbid it, heaven ! 
 
 Acting on this great conception, I did accordingly bring 
 together at Morrison's hotel some twenty-five or thirty 
 compatriots. The dinner — or, to use the newspaper phrase, 
 the " banquet " — was an expensive affair, but, as will 
 presently appear, I had invested my money (or rather my 
 credit) judiciously enough, regarding it merely in the light 
 of a commercial speculation. 
 
 Being a banquet, we did not assemble at the festive 
 board till the fashionable hour of eight. I received my 
 friends with all the cordiality of a man who felt that their 
 confidence in him was unabated, and they speedily pro- 
 ceeded to show that they reposed as unbounded confidence 
 in the cook as in the orator. The sacred rage of hunger 
 appeased, the bottle began to circulate, and we " made 
 some toast." The health of the Queen was given, but in a 
 decidedly perfunctory fashion, and without exciting more 
 enthusiasm than a summons to the Greek grammar class 
 
Jack Westropp. 6y 
 
 might awaken among schoolboys. To make amends, how- 
 ever, "the Pope" was received with the utmost warmth. 
 Then followed " The prosperity of Ireland," to which the 
 editor of the Firebrand responded in the most dismal 
 manner conceivable. 
 
 After his jeremiads had received the due proportion of 
 " hear, hears," the croupier, Mr. Feeney, rose to propose 
 the health of the present humble autobiographer. Modesty, 
 no less than a regard for my good friend Feeney's gram- 
 matical reputation, prevents me from attempting to report 
 this speech. I have the pleasure of stating, however, that 
 at its conclusion he presented me on behalf of himself, 
 the present company, and a few absent admirers, with a 
 gold toothpick, and a purse containing a hundred and fifty 
 sovereigns. 
 
 Though secretly expecting some such agreeable climax 
 to the proceedings, 1 appeared overwhelmed as much by 
 astonishment as by gratitude at their kindness. Of course 
 I felt " too full to speak " ; and of course I did speak, frankly 
 admitting that the prolonged illness I had sustained in 
 battling against the might of Orange fury (hear, hear) had 
 made the contents of that purse highly welcome to me ; — 
 while as for the beautiful gold toothpick that had ac- 
 companied it, I assured them that, whatever my fate, I 
 should never pick my teeth without a vivid recollection of 
 that night, and a feeling of profound gratitude for their 
 kindness. (Loud cheers, and " He's a jolly good fellow.") 
 
 Other speeches followed, other toasts were drunk with 
 F 2 
 
6$ Jack Westropp. 
 
 enihusiasm, and other gentlemen were also — I was going 
 to use an unparliamentary expression, but I check myself. 
 Modern reporters have to conform to the code of etiquette, 
 and call a spade an agricultural implement. It is permissi- 
 ble to say that Mr. Boanerges was inaudible in the reporters' 
 gallery, or that Captain Thunder's voice sank so low that 
 his words failed to reach us, — but we must not hint for a 
 moment that either gentleman was suffering from whisky 
 and water on the brain. We were not so picked and 
 delicate in our phrases in those days ! I may state, however, 
 that while we all had certainly " as much as was good for 
 us," two at least of the party exceeded that satisfactory 
 modicum, and the results of their excess were so comical 
 that the reader will pardon me for describing them " to the 
 bitter end." 
 
 One of these, Tom Archer, a noisy, humorous, hard 
 drinking young gentleman of good family, was a senior 
 freshman in Trinity College. He had joined with much 
 heartiness in the Repeal agitation, more for the fun of the 
 thing, and to annoy his relatives — all staunch Conserva- 
 tives — than from any strong feeling on behalf of his down- 
 trodden country. The other, Jeremiah Flanagan, a wealthy 
 ironmonger, was largely impressed with a sense of his 
 own importance, and extremely proud of his bushy brown 
 whiskers, and his blue coat and white waistcoat, both of 
 which, in accordance with a taste long fallen into desuetude, 
 he had adorned with very bright gilt buttons. He was a 
 small, stout man, at the wrong side of sixty, a substantial 
 
Jack Westropp. 69 
 
 contributor to the fund of the night, and consequently not 
 a person to be treated with disrespect. But with disrespect, 
 unfortunately, Archer seemed determined to treat him. 
 As the night wore on, and the decanter circulated, this 
 unruly disposition became unmistakably manifest, and I 
 regret to say it appeared to afford the company more 
 amusement than the speeches and songs that were rapidly 
 following each other. 
 
 Having aimed at Mr. Flanagan two or three shafts from 
 Horace, which the more cultured portion of the company 
 relished all the more that they were Greek to the object of 
 their satire, the freshman — " fresh " in more than one sense 
 of the word — grew bolder, and carried on his assault in 
 plain English. Putting his hands before his eyes, as if to 
 shut out something, he said, on being asked what was the 
 matter, — 
 
 " Now that I look closer, it's the old gentleman's buttons 
 that dazzle me so;" adding, in a stage whisper ("half-a- 
 crown the dozen "). 
 
 "Sir — did you please to address these observations to 
 me? " asked Mr. Flanagan, rising on his legs with an air of 
 offended dignity. 
 
 "Sit down, old gentleman — no offence meant. I assure 
 you, my dear Mr. Buttons, I have the highest possible 
 respect for — " 
 
 " Flanagan is the gentleman's name," I mildly inter- 
 polated, "you will please address him by it." 
 
 " Thanks. Well, Mr. Buttons Flanagan—" 
 
70 Jack Westropp. 
 
 " Mr. Chairman and gentlemen," asked the latter, in a 
 tone of indignation worthy of Mrs. Malaprop when resenting 
 the "aspersion on her parts of speech " — " do you wish me 
 to be insulted in this manner ? " 
 
 " Certainly not," — " monstrous ! " — " shame ! " echoed 
 on all sides from men who nevertheless enjoyed the scene 
 immensely, and were only anxious to lead matters to a 
 decided explosion. 
 
 " Well, then, my feelings have been outraged. I have 
 been miscalled — my very buttons — " 
 
 a Don't mention it, my dear fellow, I admire your 
 buttons of all things. They remind me so much of Tim 
 Doolin, my father's livery servant — a most decent, excel- 
 lent—" 
 
 " Westropp ! " roared Flanagan, " I call on you, as 
 chairman of this meeting, to preserve order. I can't stand 
 it, and I won't. Either this — this — this gentleman must 
 leave the room, or I." 
 
 There was no pretending to misunderstand such a 
 statement. I vainly strove to cast oil on the troubled 
 waters, and I fear all our harmony would have been 
 completely destroyed but for the interposition of my worthy 
 friend Malachi Fitzsimon, an attorney in considerable 
 practice, and an inveterate wag. This peacemaker — 
 destined, as the reader will find, to get me out of more 
 than one scrape hereafter — now drew the mischief-darting 
 Archer aside, and whispered a few words, which seemed to 
 have a wonderfully soothing, if not sobering, effect upon him. 
 
Jack Westropp. 71 
 
 " Good-night, gentlemen," he said, bowing to the com- 
 pany with an evident change of tactics. " My friend kindly 
 reminds me of my duties. I must leave you, to consume 
 the midnight oil in study. But though my body be absent, 
 my spirit shall be with you still. Good-night, all — good- 
 night, Mr. Buttons Flanagan — ha, Buttons ! " — and with an 
 unearthly grin, he took his departure, rather, I fear, to the 
 regret of some of the revellers. 
 
 Peace was now restored, and while a sly wink from 
 Malachi told me that that gentleman meant mischief, I 
 congratulated Flanagan on being so easily rid of his trouble- 
 some assailant. Fresh songs succeeded, and in the excite- 
 ment produced by mirth and melody, the company seemed 
 to have forgotten the cloud that had been cast upon them, 
 nor could anything surpass the hilarity of the triumphant 
 ironmonger, lately so indignant. Meanwhile, Malachi 
 Fitzsimon seized an early opportunity of slipping out for a 
 few minutes, during which he procured a pair of scissors 
 and a little bottle of laudanum, and shortly after returning 
 he contrived to slip something into Flanagan's punch, 
 without attracting any attention. That sorely harassed 
 veteran, indeed, had already imbibed so copiously that he 
 required little to deprive him of his faculties, and in five 
 minutes he was overpowered by a deep sleep. 
 
 M Now, gentlemen," said Fitzsimon, looking at his watch, 
 " don't let me interrupt your hilarity, but for my part I 
 must be off, as I have a very important case to examine 
 before I get to bed." 
 
72 Jack Westropp. 
 
 Vehement entreaties to make him change his intention 
 were heard on all sides, but the attorney was inexorable. 
 He said his business was of paramount importance. 
 
 " Besides." said he, " I can kill two birds with one 
 stone. This sleepy friend of ours lives in Eccles Street, and 
 I in Blessington Street, quite convenient, so it will give me 
 no trouble whatever to see him safe home in a cab. Who 
 knows but some harm might happen him if he were left to 
 himself?" 
 
 This humane proposal recommended itself strongly to 
 the convivial group, of whom Malachi took a reluctant 
 farewell, and a few of them having aided him in forcing 
 the unconscious slumberer into a cab, the two friends were 
 driven away. 
 
 Having nothing but circumstantial evidence to offer of 
 any transactions between them en route, I must leave 
 the reader to draw his own deductions from facts about to 
 be related. When the cab stopped in Eccles Street, Mrs. 
 Flanagan was fast asleep. The door was opened by a 
 drowsy servant, and the exhausted man of metal tumbled 
 off to bed in the mysterious and inexplicable manner 
 proper to gentlemen who have been sacrificing on the 
 shrine of Bacchus. 
 
 At seven o'clock next morning he was awakened by a 
 scream from his beloved helpmate. Racked in brain, 
 tormented with thirst, he desired nothing but soda-water 
 and repose, and now his wife's voice seemed to cry — u Sleep 
 no more ! " 
 
Jack Westropp. 73 
 
 " Molly dear," he grunted lazily, " can't you let a man 
 alone ? " And he attempted to turn on the other side. 
 
 " Why, goodness gracious, Jerry, is this you at all ? " 
 
 " All that's left of me. There now, can't you let me get 
 a wink of sleep ? I never felt my brain so moidhered in 
 all my life." 
 
 " Nice people you must have been among ! Why, 
 you're exactly like a Choctaw. What in the name of 
 mercy have you done with your hair and whiskers ? " 
 
 " My hair and whiskers ! " 
 
 Pride feels no pain. Vanity can despise thirst and 
 headache. The redoubtable Jerry bounded from his bed, 
 " as light as though he felt no wound," rushed to the mirror, 
 and beheld a horrifying spectacle. The hair of his head 
 was cropped close like that of a convict, and while one of 
 his much prized whiskers bloomed in full luxuriance, he 
 was completely denuded of the other. 
 
 " That villain Archer ! " he cried, " I see it all." 
 
 " There's precious little to see," returned his wife. 
 
 " I mean — I know the wretch. I'll have him transported, 
 if there's any law in the land. Quick ! — my clothes. I must 
 call on Malachi Fitzsimon about this. I'll put it into the 
 hands of counsel." 
 
 " There — can't you be quiet for a minute, and tell me how 
 it all happened ? " 
 
 That was unfortunately the very thing the much injured 
 ironmonger could not do. There was an awful mystery 
 somewhere. All that was evident was this — he had put an 
 
74 Jack Westtopp. 
 
 enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, another 
 enemy had improved the occasion by stealing his hair, and 
 that enemy must of course have been Archer, who had so 
 gratuitously insulted him. His rage was increased when his 
 wife, the full absurdity of his appearance producing its 
 natural effect upon her, burst into an immoderate roar of 
 laughter. 
 
 u Let me out of this ! " he cried, when he had flung his 
 clothes hurriedly on him, " I must see Malachi before he 
 goes to the courts." 
 
 " But, Jerry dear, surely you don't intend to go out with 
 one whisker laughing at the other ? " 
 
 "You are right, Molly. Oh! this is too bad," and 
 sitting gloomily down, he had to submit to the dismal, 
 operation of becoming completely barefaced. 
 
 This homage to conformity paid, he was filled with horror 
 at the prospect of " scudding along under bare poles," as 
 the sailors say, and accordingly he crowned his own 
 bare poll with a hurriedly purchased wig. He then des- 
 patched a cup of tea, and drove off to Fitzsimon's house, 
 breathing slaughter against the youth who had so barbar- 
 ously officiated as barber on him. 
 
 He was fortunate enough to find the attorney at home. 
 That gentleman stared at him very intently, evidently greatly 
 bewildered. 
 
 " Why, bless me, I have surely seen that face before — it's 
 like a dream to me. It is — no, it can't be — and yet it is — 
 Jerry Flanagan, by all that's lovely ! " 
 
Jack Westropp. 75 
 
 The ironmonger heaved a deep groan. 
 
 " Oh Jerry, Jerry, you'll be the death of me ! Are you 
 preparing for a fancy ball, or have you taken leave of your 
 senses ? What in the world makes you figure about town in 
 such a disguise ? " 
 
 "A ruffian — a scoundrel— a villain" — he panted for 
 breath. 
 
 "Indeed? This is strange. Then you have not made 
 yourself such a Guy on your own accord ? " 
 
 " Oh, Malachi ! — I'd as soon think of blowing my brains 
 out." 
 
 " I thought so. Pray sit down and explain yourself. I 
 know we all took a little too much last night." 
 
 The indignant ironmonger rapidly stated the case. A 
 horrible outrage had been committed on him — of course by 
 Tom Archer, whose general conduct had spoken for itself — 
 and he should take legal vengeance on that youth, regard- 
 less of expense. 
 
 ( ' Why, yes, there is clearly prima facie evidence of an 
 assault ; but we must be careful. What witnesses have 
 you?" 
 
 " Witnesses ? — witnesses ? " 
 
 " Yes. I need not say, Jerry, that in law nothing can be 
 left to inference. All hearsay evidence is prohibited. What 
 can you prove ? n 
 
 " Prove ! I can prove Archer was worrying me like a 
 bulldog, and you all saw it. Retain the ablest bar you can 
 get, and if it cost me my last shilling I'll be revenged on the 
 villain." 
 
76 Jack Westropp. 
 
 " Quite right ; very good. There is just this little 
 difficulty of identification, and another matter. Let us 
 assume for argument's sake that he is proved to be the 
 guilty party, and we get heavy damages against him, how are 
 we to recover a penny ? He is a pauper, I fear, and is likely 
 to plead minority besides. A fellow like that would think 
 nothing of swearing that he has not come to the age of dis- 
 cretion." 
 
 " Then why not try it on the criminal side ? " asked 
 Flanagan. 
 
 " Yes j of course. But I must confess it's rather a novel 
 ground of prosecution ; — assaulting a man by shaving him. 
 I know of no such case in the books." 
 
 " Then we might set a precedent," Jerry reasonably 
 suggested. 
 
 " Yes, we might. There is something in that. I know 
 you are a man of strong moral courage, Jerry." 
 
 " I hope so." 
 
 " You would not mind standing up in court before a 
 grinning crowd with those bare cheeks, and that scarecrow 
 wig ? " 
 
 The man of moral courage winced. 
 
 " You would not object to a scathing cross-examina- 
 tion?" 
 
 The man of moral courage trembled, and turned deadly 
 pale. 
 
 " Being probed as to your recollection of the minutest 
 particulars of the whole transaction — as to the very words 
 
Jack Westropp. JJ 
 
 passing between you and Archer — as to whether you were 
 perfectly sober — by the virtue of your solemn oath how 
 many tumblers of punch you had taken — six? — eight? — 
 ten?— twelve ?" 
 
 " Stop ! " cried Jerry, jumping on his feet. " I see how 
 it is. Malachi, you are a brick. I must start for the Isle 
 of Man to-night." 
 
 " The Isle of Man ! " cried the attorney, lost in wonder. 
 
 " Yes. I hear there is beautiful scenery there." 
 
 " Scenery? — in the month of January ? — " 
 
 ' 'Yes — no matter — what's the use of talking about 
 months in times like these, when devils are abroad ? Oh, 
 Malachi, I'll remember you in my will. You have saved 
 me from making a perfect fool of myself. After all, there 
 is nothing like a true friend." 
 
 Malachi cordially, and no doubt sincerely, disclaimed 
 any extraordinary pretensions to a Damon-like friendship in 
 giving wholesome counsel to this barefaced Pythias, but 
 expressed a fervent hope that the Lord would temper the 
 January wind to a lamb so sadly shorn. The unhappy 
 victim actually sailed for Scotland that evening, no Isle of 
 Man boat being available, left his pots and pans and 
 fenders in the charge of his foreman for more than a 
 calendar month, and lingered among the savage beauties of 
 nature until he was able to put a new face upon matters, 
 and, like Mr. Micawber, to " stand erect before his fellow 
 man." 
 
 Thus was Tom Archer avenged. Happy had it been for 
 
7 8 Jack Westropp. 
 
 our dignified veteran could he have taken in good part the 
 frolics of that misguided youth. Oh, reader, who may not 
 have a Malachi Fitzsimon to come to thy rescue, beware of 
 casting disrespectful reflections on a great man's buttons. 
 Vanity of vanities— all is vanity! Verily, great is vanity, 
 and it shall prevail. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 A FOOL'S PARADISE. — A LOVER'S LEAP. 
 
 By the great public dinner I had given myself I cleared 
 upwards of a hundred pounds. Compared, indeed, with 
 previous receipts, this was a paltry solatium for my sufferings 
 in the cause of my country ; but, coming at a time when I 
 was so much out at elbows, it was extremely welcome. 
 Unfortunately, however, my mother and I both persisted in 
 living as if we had thousands at our disposal. As a natural 
 consequence, my affairs fell into a state of chaos ; and in 
 that chaos the hundred pounds so easily acquired, as well 
 as divers smaller sums raised from discounters — a class of 
 gentlemen whose acquaintance I was not long in making — 
 were speedily engulfed. 
 
 The spring of 1844 was rendered memorable in the 
 annals of Ireland by the famous state trials. I attended the 
 Queen's Bench daily, like the rest of the briefless, deeply 
 interested in the proceedings, though sorely vexed at not 
 being myself included in the indictment. I chafed under 
 the keen glances directed at me on all sides, every one of 
 which seemed to ridicule me as a pretentious failure. In 
 
So Jack Westropp. 
 
 swarming crowds, amidst deafening acclamations, I had 
 won my spurs;— and here, in a confined court, and in 
 decorous silence, I had to learn that after all I was nobody. 
 Most bitter lesson ! That consciousness stung me to the 
 quick, and envenomed all the pleasure I could not but feel 
 at the brilliant intellectual displays daily taking place around 
 me. The incomparable oration of Whiteside, recalling as 
 it did the noblest efforts of Curran, without his defects ; — 
 the brilliant and classic rhetoric of Sheil ; — the masterly 
 reply of the solicitor-general, Greene, to eight of our chief 
 legal giants (and there were giants in those days) ; — the 
 delicious spectacle of an attorney-general sending a 
 challenge to a queen's counsel by the hands of a superin- 
 tendent of Police, while prosecuting for transactions tending 
 to disturb public order; — the speech of the Liberator 
 himself on behalf of " the people of Ireland ; " — and the 
 final wind up on the thirtieth of May, when I saw the great 
 old man striding haughtily into court, to receive the sentence 
 of imprisonment so soon to be reversed ; — all this, intensely 
 interesting to the whole empire, was especially so to me. 
 But through all there ran the bitter, humiliating thought 
 that T was a mere spectator in this great drama. The eyes 
 of Europe were fixed upon that court — the press, through 
 its countless channels, was daily bringing the whole pro- 
 ceedings before expectant millions— and I, who hid 
 thundered on the Galtees, and made Clonakilty ring with 
 my mixed metaphors, was neither one of the persecuted 
 patriots nor of their honoured defenders. Had I been 
 
Jack Westropp, 81 
 
 right, after all, in anticipating the rewards of labour without 
 undergoing its drudgery ? Had I been wise in neglecting 
 a profession that led to such great results? Dry, hard, 
 stern, as was the study of the law, would it not have been 
 better to have followed it up, yea even in a garret — to have 
 stuck to it as to grim death — than to have gambled in 
 patriotism, to have bellowed to bog-trotters on Tipperary 
 hills, and been rewarded for all this waste of wind by money 
 that vanished from my grasp almost before I realized its 
 possession ? 
 
 Thoughts like these weighed heavily upon me during 
 that spring, and I formed as many resolutions of turning 
 to law as a rake on his sick-bed does of turning to virtue — 
 and kept them pretty much as well. I had made my first 
 false step, and could not retrace it. I was to be haunted 
 for ever by the Nemesis of my " fame." I had drunk deeply 
 of the brandy of popular applause, and was totally unfitted 
 to fall back on the milk and water of legal study. 
 
 Meanwhile, Venus had reserved for me even a fiercer 
 excitement than those supplied by Themis and Apollo. 
 My successes of 1843 had induced large numbers of 
 country cousins, who had quietly ignored my existence 
 while I was a reporter on the Retriever, to hurry up to 
 Dublin, and make themselves perfectly at home in my 
 house. Most of these good folks were decided aristocrats, 
 if the constant blowing of the genealogical trumpet were to 
 be accepted as proof of the fact. My mother was only too 
 happy to keep open house for such distinguished relations ; 
 vol. 1. G 
 
82 Jack Westropp. 
 
 and the offerings of a grateful country imperceptibly 
 melted away under the influence of their visitations. To 
 most of them it is unnecessary to refer; and I merely 
 mention in passing the name of one of them, Mrs. De Lacy, 
 a widow lady, on account of her daughter Charlotte. That 
 young lady had been studying in Germany for the last four 
 years. She was to return to the County Clare when 
 " finished " ; and her mother was to send her to us in the 
 spring of '44 to be initiated in the amusements of the 
 capital. I must confess I had very little curiosity about 
 her. I had vague childish recollections of her as a tall, 
 dark, awkward, stupid girl, with whom I had romped a 
 good deal in a period that seemed removed by centuries. 
 Any one less suggestive of sentiment could not well be 
 imagined. 
 
 The vigorous " autumn manoeuvres" of Sir Robert Peel, 
 leading as they did to the disaster I sustained at the 
 Rotunda, had the effect of sending back many of my 
 relatives to their western highlands, and my illness cleared 
 the house of them altogether. Mrs. De Lacy, however, 
 was good enough not to forget her promise of sending us 
 her daughter, and early in May Charlotte made her appear- 
 ance in Baggot Street. 
 
 I never was more astonished than on meeting her after 
 our long separation. The grub had soared into a butterfly 
 indeed. Tall and dark, as of old— but oh, how lovely ! 
 With such large, lustrous, eloquent eyes, and such masses 
 of waving black hair, and such a queenly figure, and such 
 
Jack We strop p. 83 
 
 a delicate foreign accent, struggling ever and anon with a 
 soupqon of a native brogue that was more enchanting still. 
 Was I right, as a sort of cousin, in kissing her after so long 
 a parting ? Perhaps not ; but for the life of me I could 
 not help it. She submitted with a blush, but without a 
 murmur, and Kate laughed, and my mother smiled as if in 
 approbation. I repeated this simple fraternal ceremony 
 when parting for the night, and found that I had unex- 
 pectedly hit upon the great desideratum, a new pleasure. 
 Punch and oratory, indeed, had been forbidden me, but Dr. 
 Ireland had not said a word against my falling in love ; — 
 and that I was in a fair way of doing so the reader will 
 probably infer when he hears that, on my mother unexpect- 
 edly entering the drawing-room next day. where Charlotte, 
 with disordered ringlets, was seated beside me on the sofa, 
 I disengaged my arm with great rapidity from that young 
 lady's waist, and hurriedly ventured on some irrelevant 
 opinion concerning the weather. It certainly looked rather 
 suspicious. 
 
 There is nothing more singular than the thoughtless 
 manner in which young people glide into these follies, by 
 which they so often find themselves deeply compromised. 
 I was never what is known as "a lady's man." Though 
 sincerely attached, as we have seen, to Miss Munkittrick's 
 fortune, " a grand passion " was a thing wholly unknown to 
 me, and I no more expected the approach of such a 
 calamity than that of Asiatic cholera. Love was a capital 
 diversion for a man with five thousand a ) ear. But I had 
 
 G 2 
 
84 Jack Westropp. 
 
 nothing whatever to live on ; and was I to ask a penniless 
 girl to assist me in making that nothing " go farther " ? No. 
 It would be madness for myself. It would be cruelty to 
 her, to my mother, my sister, and babes yet unborn. Mill 
 and Malthus were right. I must content myself with flirt- 
 ing with the passions of the multitude, and leave individuals 
 alone. 
 
 But would individuals leave me alone ? Here I found 
 myself sudden^ assailed, conquered, and led captive, from 
 a most unexpected quarter. The dart of Cupid, winged in 
 Miltown Malbay, had flashed across the whole island to 
 penetrate me in Baggot Street. Fool, to think that I could 
 escape the universal infatuation ! But it would be madness 
 to think of proposing, much as I should certainly have 
 liked it. Bills on which my signature had rashly been 
 affixed were flying about town, and my liberty was seriously 
 imperilled. Was I to offer Charlotte a home in the 
 Marshalsea, unless by some change in fortune's wheel I 
 should be again supported by voluntary contributions, as 
 in the previous year? Hating to think of my debts 
 myself, I had never mentioned them to my mother or Kate. 
 I dressed fashionably, went to dinners and balls, and kept a 
 well furnished house and liberal table, so that Charlotte 
 might well be excused for supposing that my success of 
 1843 had left me in possession of independent means. 
 The Nemesis of my fame again ! No ; it would clearly be 
 preposterous to propose ; — and yet unfortunately our 
 mutual attachment began daily to assume a serious 
 
Jack Westropp. 85 
 
 character, which could not be ranked as mere ordinary 
 flirtation. I must come to some understanding with her ; 
 and what should that be but to tell her in private that I 
 loved her to distraction, but that I was a ruined adventurer, 
 and she was at liberty to fix her affections and bestow her 
 hand on whomsoever she pleased ? Clearly that was my 
 only course ; but to act thus was to swallow a very bitter 
 pill, and I made wry faces every time I attempted to take 
 it. I secretly uttered the old cry of the doomed criminal 
 — M A long day, my lord ! " 
 
 And thus did I continue to revel in a Fool's Paradise, 
 from which I was to be quickly driven forth. Mrs. De Lacy 
 missed her daughter a good deal, and often wrote urging 
 her return ; a calamity which we all combined to postpone 
 on various grounds. She was looking better and better 
 under the influence of the Dublin air ; — she had some 
 inevitable visits to pay j — she had not yet seen Howth or the 
 Dargle ;— and so forth. At length her mother became 
 more pressing, and the last week of June was fixed on as her 
 ultimatum. 
 
 It was idle now to attempt further opposition, and 
 nothing remained but to make the most of the four days 
 that were still left to us. On a soft sweet morning about 
 ten o'clock we started for Wicklow on an outside car, one 
 side of which was occupied by my mother and Kate, the 
 other by Charlotte De Lacy and the briefless one. I 
 thought this a peculiarly judicious arrangement, as it would 
 enable me to explain at full length the unfortunate state of 
 
85 Jack Westropp. 
 
 my affairs, which I had hitherto concea'ed too long. If I 
 wanted an additional incentive to plain speaking, it was 
 afforded by a glimpse of two ugly, suspicious-looking men 
 with big sticks hovering around my house, just as the car was 
 crossing the canal bridge, and leaving Baggot Street behind, 
 " Conscience doth make cowards of us all." Could these 
 crocodiles be in waiting for me ? Horrid thought ! The 
 future certainly was overcast with dark and lowering clouds. 
 The present, however, was very delightful ; and as we 
 rattled along the Rock Road, Charlotte's shawl spread over 
 our knees, and our gloveless hands intertwined, we talked 
 so much delicious nonsense that one should have the heart 
 of a Domitian to introduce the bitter topics of debt and 
 worldly cares at such a moment. Yes, the period of 
 explanation must be indefinitely postponed. A beggar ! 
 Why, I felt myself an emperor ! 
 
 The Dargle is well known to be a most lovely spot, and 
 it is one to which I should strongly recommend all gentle- 
 men in difficulties to avoid escorting penniless beauties. 
 Talk of music being the food of love ! — I would back an 
 hour's tete-a-tete in that wooded paradise against the most 
 powerful orchestra in the world. Charlotte was lost in 
 admiration as the fairy scene burst upon her, and she 
 listened, — 
 
 " To the eternal saddening sound 
 Of torrents in the glen beneath, 
 As 'twere the ever dark profound 
 That rolls below the Bridge of Death." 
 
 We carried our provisions down to the straggling 
 
Jack Westropp. &7 
 
 picturesque rocks, and gazed enraptured on the heights 
 above. Then opening a hamper, we did ample justice to 
 cold ham and fowl, and slaked our thirst from the brawling 
 stream that gushed around on every side. In due time my 
 mother, who was always disposed for a nap after dinner, 
 arranged herself as comfortably as possible on a shelving 
 rock. Kate, of course, could not desert her, and, opening 
 out that day's Retriever and Firebrand, she proceeded to 
 introduce the cares, and passions, and politics of man, into 
 the sweet sanctuary that seemed nature's very holy of holies. 
 It was impossible for me thus to shut out the glorious 
 influences of the scene. Leaving my revered parent, 
 therefore, to enjoy such repose as she could obtain, I took 
 Charlotte's arm, and up we climbed through the magic scenery 
 until at last we reached the spot known as The Lover's Leap. 
 Here, at the dizzy height from which, as tradition saith, a 
 hapless swain once sprang despairing into the woody wilder- 
 ness that yawned below, we sat down, speechless with the 
 tongue, but oh, so eloquent with the eyes ! Ah, why had I 
 not five thousand a year? 
 
 Some very foolish pantomime here passed between us, 
 and noticing the warm tears running down Charlotte's 
 cheeks, I ventured to kiss them off. 
 
 " Why are you crying, dearest ? " 
 
 " Oh, how can I help it ? To think of leaving you — 
 leaving you all — all I love — " 
 
 "Never!" I exclaimed heroically, pressing her to my 
 heart. We have heard of the converted toper who " treated 
 
F8 Jack Westropp. 
 
 resolution " to a parting glass. Alas ! how was I treating 
 all the wise resolutions I had been forming ? 
 
 l< I never knew how fond I was of Dublin till — now that 
 I have to leave it — to leave you. But we have glorious 
 scenery in Clare, Jack. Won't you come and visit us there 
 before the summer is over ? It will seem an age till I see 
 you again." 
 
 " And do you then love me ? " 
 
 " Oh, so much — how can I help it ? " 
 
 " Then, dearest, be mine for ever ! " 
 
 Such was our dialogue on the wood-crowned height. 
 Why should a beggar dream of love? I had asked myself. 
 And yet what else could a beggar dream of at the Lover's 
 Leap, with those dark lustrous eyes beaming on him, and 
 his hand straying through those masses of waving hair ? 
 Enough : I was accepted — there, in that choice temple of 
 nature, while the gentle summer breeze was rustling through 
 the woody wilderness, and the birds were singing their 
 melodies of love, and my mother was dozing in the glen far 
 beneath, to the music of the murmuring stream, and of the 
 principal leading article in the Retriever, 
 
 I was accepted ; — and in my tumultuous happiness I had 
 not said a word of some threatening letters from attorneys 
 that were lying in my desk, nor of the two crocodiles that 
 had crawled out of the slime of the law to lay siege to my 
 house that morning. Once or twice indeed, on my way 
 home, I did venture, in the midst of our foolish transports, 
 to speak of myself as " a poor man " \ but Charlotte laughed 
 
Jack Westropp. 89 
 
 so playfully and so musically at this capital joke that I had 
 not the heart to pursue it further. She evidently thought 
 it the modesty of a man worth twelve hundred a year, re- 
 pudiating all claim to twelve thousand. 
 
 But she was soon and harshly undeceived. Next morn- 
 ing — her last day in Dublin but two — we had arranged to 
 drive to Howth, whose bold and stern scenery forms such 
 a striking contrast to the witching sweetness of the Dargle. 
 Breakfast was finished, and the ladies were just dressed for 
 the day, when I rashly ventured to an adjoining courtway 
 for the car that was to convey us. Alas ! I was not fated 
 to return. The two odious-looking myrmidons of the law 
 pounced upon me. The game was up. I was " borrowed " 
 for the paltry sum of twenty-seven, fourteen, six, at the suit 
 of the notorious usurer, Dick Ferguson. 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 I AM KEPT IN BONDAGE BY THE SPELLS OF A HOSTILE 
 MAGICIAN. 
 
 The fearful anticlimax with which my last chapter concludes 
 reminds me that, among other beneficial changes of 
 modern times, imprisonment for debt has been abolished. 
 I don't think the Repeal of the Union itself could have 
 afforded me sincerer satisfaction. What a pity this relic of 
 barbarism should have lasted till my time ! In my opinion 
 the Act for the imprisonment of insolvent debtors might 
 have been more correctly designated as " An Act for the 
 better suppression of gentlemen who have no capacity for 
 keeping accounts." Such, I readily admit, was one of my 
 failings — a failing shared by far greater men, by Steele, 
 Goldsmith, Sheridan, and countless other celebrities, some 
 of them belonging even to my own dry and hard profession ; 
 and I remember William Carleton telling me that he would 
 rather write a whole volume than work a sum in division. 
 Surely the dull fellows in their jealousy must have conspired 
 to get this Act passed for the persecution of men of genius. 
 I know of no country in which people out of school have 
 
Jack Westropp. 9 1 
 
 been punished for ignorance of geography ; the richest men 
 I have ever known have spoken the worst grammar ; — and 
 yet here was I, at a critical moment, torn from my home 
 and my betrothed bride, simply for having no taste for 
 arithmetic ! 
 
 " But you should have paid your debts," some one will 
 probably urge. I should like to argue that point, but it is 
 so complicated with grave questions of socialism and 
 political economy that I cannot interrupt the current of my 
 history to do so here. I may remark, however, that judging 
 from the tendency of much of our modern legislation, and 
 from the views of many of those thinkers who mould 
 legislation, the world is growing wiser on questions of this 
 sort. The philosophers are finding out of late that land 
 should be free, as well as air and water ; and so, I have 
 always held, should money also. Surely its very title, " the 
 circulating medium," implies that there should be no 
 inconvenient restraint on its circulation. Let me give to 
 thee, and thee to me, in our respective needs, with the 
 freedom and bounty of universal nature ; when convenient, 
 let so-called loans be returned with thanks, especially if the 
 lender be really in want of the money ; and let the whole 
 miserable array of cash-books, ledgers, I.O.U.'s, attorneys' 
 letters, and all the rest of the machinery for ruining 
 unfortunate gentlemen with empty purses, be straightway 
 thrown into the fire ! 
 
 Meanwhile, it must be manifest to all men that no one 
 can pay money which he has not got. Such was now my 
 
92 Jack Westropp. 
 
 unhappy condition. This cruel and ill-timed arrest tor- 
 mented me beyond measure. Had I been sentenced, like 
 Mr. O'Connell and his followers, for my services in the 
 cause of Ireland, I should have submitted without a pang, 
 nay, have gloried in my doom. But to be imprisoned for 
 a paltry debt, at the suit of a very wealthy man — to have 
 my trip to Howth, and all its anticipated delights, suddenly 
 snatched from me — and to be robbed of that tender parting 
 scene with Charlotte in which I could have explained so much 
 that must now seem enigmatical, or worse — oh, it was 
 terribly bitter and humiliating ! 
 
 I have always been a diligent observer of life in its 
 various phases, and at another time it would have afforded 
 me no little interest and amusement to have studied 
 manners in the Marshalsea. Inhabited as it was for the 
 most part by a dissolute race, who 
 
 " Spent their days in riot most uncouth, 
 And vexed with mirth the drowsy ear of night," 
 
 it reminded me in many respects of the masterly description 
 
 of Alsatia in the Fortunes of Nigel, Razors were unknown 
 
 in this happy valley, and though it was fully ten years 
 
 before the free and unfettered display of the hair apparent 
 
 was permitted in the British Isles, all the Marshalseamen 
 
 were bearded like the pard. Many of these sons of Esau 
 
 perambulated the large courtyard of their " town house,'' 
 
 as indefatigably as though rehearsing the performance of 
 
 the feat of a thousand miles in a thousand hours. Others 
 
 constantly occupied themselves in the healthful recreation 
 
Jack Westropp. 93 
 
 of playing ball against the lofty walls around them. Unlike 
 prisons in general, this establishment boasted a canteen, 
 which carried on a roaring trade, and was largely frequented 
 by thirsty souls. While most of the inmates were swagger- 
 ing, defiant, reckless-looking fellows, others were of a very 
 different stamp. Here and there might be seen an anxious, 
 careworn man, plunged in deep consultation with a friend, 
 a messenger, or a legal adviser, and apparently making a 
 desperate effort to solve the difficult problem propounded 
 by Burns, how " to make one guinea do the work of five." 
 Sadder still, there were sick, and deserted, and pauper 
 prisoners, some of whose revelations, were this the place to 
 give them, would be found equally interesiing and pathetic. 
 Withered, spiritless, broken-hearted, they shrank in their 
 lair from the garish light of day. There were men who had 
 been there for years, men who were destined to die there, 
 men from whom the world had quite fallen — the great, 
 busy, noisy world that seethed and fumed over its myriad 
 interests without. What had they to do with the world ? 
 What remained for them but to plod on wearily to the end 
 in this huge living grave ? Yes, there were dark shades 
 enough in this prison, as in every prison ; but in those days 
 my mercurial temperament made me prefer looking upon 
 even the sullied semblance of the light ; — and, whatever 
 foulness might be hid beneath, it cheered me in my misery 
 to observe that the general characteristic of Marshalsea 
 life was broad, uproarious, reckless joviality. 
 
 Immediately after the receipt for my body was given at 
 
94 Jack Westropp. 
 
 the prison gate, I wrote a few hurried lines to Malachi Fitz- 
 simon, whom, in spite of his love for practical joking, I knew 
 to be a thoroughly sincere and useful friend, and soon 
 received a note from him saying he should call next morning, 
 when he hoped he would find me at home. Feeling no dis- 
 position to mix among the roystering denizens of the court- 
 yard, I proceeded to fix on a bedroom, when I stumbled 
 accidentally on my friend Tom Archer, whose animadversions 
 on Mr. Flanagan's buttons had led to such momentous con- 
 sequences. From my knowledge of this worthy student, I 
 was not at all surprised at his present compulsory change of 
 air from the academic groves of Trinity. 
 
 " Hallo, Westropp ! you don't mean to say this is you? " 
 
 " Yes," I replied ruefully, " here I am ; and a pleasant 
 summer residence I have secured ! " 
 
 "But surely you are not going to put up with us 'in 
 town ' ? " 
 
 " To tell the truth I should prefer the country just now." 
 
 "You amaze me. Well, you'll find this a jolly place 
 enough." 
 
 " I daresay ; but, Archer," said I seriously, " I wish to live 
 very quietly here, and to avoid dissipation." 
 
 " Hum — you won't find that so easy. When you're in 
 Rome, you must do as Rome does. If you were not a man 
 of such mark, now ; — and yet — let me see — begad, I have it ! 
 If you want to live quietly, what's to prevent you turning 
 Quaker?" 
 
 u Pooh ! — nonsense." 
 
Jack Westropp. 95 
 
 "I am perfectly serious. There is nothing easier than 
 dressing for the character. See here j " and pulling a pair 
 of green spectacles out of his pocket, he clapped them on 
 my nose. Then turning up the collar of my coat, and 
 folding my hands on my breast, he regarded me with 
 unqualified admiration. 
 
 "You will do splendidly," he exclaimed. " Henceforth 
 you are to be known as Ebenezer Pim, an unworthy member 
 of the Society of Friends, who eschews sack and loose 
 company. If I can only get you a broad-brimmed hat, your 
 own mother would not know you. You have nothing to do 
 but sport ' thees ' and ' thous ' on all occasions, and talk 
 with a solemn twang. Oh, you'll find it perfectly easy. I 
 know you're a capital mimic." 
 
 Nothing could well be more absurd, and I was in no mood 
 just then for heartless jesting. And yet, strange to say, this 
 whimsical proposal — which, as will subsequently appear, led 
 to some singular results after my liberation — was not with- 
 out its attractions for me. It would not only afford amuse- 
 ment to myself and others, and thus to some extent " quiet 
 the restless pulse of care," but would afford me a plausible 
 excuse for shunning much riotous buffoonery. Before 
 parting with Archer he told me I must dine with him at five 
 o'clock in Number Two, with some rare spirits to whom the 
 company of a live Quaker would be the choicest of luxuries. 
 
 When he left me I sat down on my bed, looked around 
 my gloomy room, stared at the barred windows, and pro- 
 nounced myself the most miserable of men. Hitherto, 
 
96 Jack Westropp. 
 
 whatever my faults or my sufferings, I had always been a free 
 man. It is true, I was familiar with the inside of a station 
 house, and had sometimes appeared before Mr. Porter or 
 Alderman Tyndall, owing to the perverse misconstruction 
 put by the Police on a vertigo to which I was liable — a con- 
 stitutional infirmity, indeed, inherited from my father, and 
 attacking me principally by night. On all such occasions, 
 however, a detention for a few hours, and the payment of a 
 few shillings, had proved my heaviest punishment. Now, it 
 was not a matter of hours and shillings, but of days and 
 pounds. This was no bagatelle. I was a prisoner. The 
 very flies that buzzed around me in that hot unwholesome 
 air were free to go where they listed under the blessed light 
 of heaven, and I, whom a hundred thousand voices had 
 cheered to the echo on the hills of Tipperary, was a slave. 
 The more I thought, the more wretched did I become. At 
 last, seizing on the infallible resource of the miserable, pen, 
 ink, and paper, I wrote at great length to Charlotte De 
 Lacy. I indulged in the wildest rhapsodies as I recalled the 
 impassioned scene we had enacted at the Lover's Leap the 
 day before, to be succeeded by the gloom and misery of this 
 horrible abode. I protested that the cruelty of Front-de- 
 Bceuf, in attempting to roast Isaac of York on the bars of 
 his dungeon, was eclipsed by that of Dick Ferguson, in pre- 
 cluding me from a farewell interview with my own sweetest, 
 dearest, loveliest, fairest. I vowed that I was hers, hers 
 only, her own, own Jack to all eternity ; and I said that 
 several times yesterday I had been on the point of explaining 
 
Jack Westropp. 97 
 
 my unhappy affairs to her — which was true enough, only I 
 forgot the trifling fact that I was very far from understanding 
 them myself. I then wrote a much briefer and less senti- 
 mental letter to my mother, begging her to call on me next 
 morning with some clean linen, when I should explain all 
 particulars. I had just concluded these communications, 
 and entrusted them to the all-important gatekeeper to be 
 forwarded, when Archer reappeared. 
 
 " Good news, Westropp ! n 
 
 " Good news ! " I naturally started. 
 
 ' ' Yes ; here is a broad-brimmed hat that I have borrowed 
 from the jailer. Your costume is now complete." Here 
 he turned up my coat collar. 
 
 " Pshaw, what childishness ! — And yet I suppose I may 
 as well make a fool of myself. It is" — looking at my 
 watch — " half-past three." 
 
 " And we have an hour and a half till dinner. Come 
 out for a stroll about town, to get up an appetite." 
 
 " About town " — how the words grated on my ears, and 
 how sincerely I envied the outer barbarians of Dublin ! 
 
 "You know I must introduce you to some of your 
 brethren in captivity. There is one comfort, you won't 
 have to dress for dinner in this castle. You can wash your 
 hands if you like, though public opinion is rather against 
 it." 
 
 " Against washing one's hands for dinner ? " 
 
 11 Yes, that is considered one of the works of superero- 
 gation." 
 
 VOL. I. H 
 
98 Jack Westropp. 
 
 ' ' Gracious heavens, Archer, are they all low savages 
 here? 
 
 "So far from that, your entertainer to-day is the Honour- 
 able Captain Bilkeley, a very elegant fellow, who stands a 
 capital spread whenever the old lord waxes generous. Come 
 along till I introduce you." 
 
 With these words he dragged me along, wrapt in melancholy 
 reflections, and little suspecting the ridiculous figure I 
 must cut in my prim costume, as I emerged from my bed- 
 room into the court-yard. A general burst of laughter, 
 however, reminded me of the necessity of keeping up 
 appearances. 
 
 The Hon. Captain Bilkeley, to whom I was formally 
 introduced as " friend " Ebenezer Pim, was a very hand- 
 some, powerfully-built young fellow of about twenty-five, 
 on whom dissipation had unmistakably left deep traces, but 
 who nevertheless bore in his mien that indescribable stamp 
 of the gentleman which even vice and low company could 
 not efface, and which shone forth all the more brightly for 
 its dark surroundings. He raised his hat courteously when 
 introduced to me, said he was happy to hear from Archer 
 that I would favour him with my society to dinner, and 
 remarked that it was highly creditable to the Quak ersin 
 general that scarcely any of them ever put up in this 
 hotel. 
 
 "Yea, verily," I ejaculated, with a sonorous twang. 
 " Truly the friends are wise in their generation. They love 
 not to acclimatize themselves in these latitudes." Here 
 
Jack Westropp. 99 
 
 I drew myself up stiffly, folded my hands on my breast, and 
 looked grimly through my green glasses on a grinning 
 group, some of whom would probably have recognized such 
 a well-known public man as Jack Westropp, but for this 
 change of name, and disguise of dress, voice, and manner. 
 
 Though an excellent dinner was provided for us, Captain 
 Bilkeley being just then in funds, nothing could be less 
 tempting than the sa lie- a- manger. " Number Two," in 
 which we dined, was a long, low, narrow room, with one 
 strongly barred window, and walls that had probably not 
 been whitewashed for several years. Its close stifling air 
 was rendered trebly foul by the fumes of stale tobacco, and 
 as the bearded brethren ranged themselves in helter-skelter 
 fashion around a deal table, covered by a cloth that had 
 evidently seen much service since its last washing, my 
 heart sank within me. My thoughts involuntarily turned to 
 the bewitching scenery in which I had spent the day before, 
 and the still more bewitching tones and glances of my 
 lovely companion, and I felt that a dry crust in my own 
 bedroom would be preferable to a stalled ox eaten amidst 
 such surroundings. 
 
 The captain having hastily muttered an inarticulate grace, 
 we fell to at the viands with considerable zest, and as 
 " Pappetit vient en mangeant" I soon overcame my feelings 
 of repugnance, and entered with hilarity into the spirit of 
 the scene. We lost no time in satisfying our grosser needs, 
 and as the sherry briskly circulated, I felt with some degree 
 of importance that Ebenezer Pirn was regarded as an 
 
 h 2 
 
ioo Jack We strop p. 
 
 object of general interest. The guests did their best to 
 draw me out, with the view of turning the peculiarities of 
 " friends " into derision, and I took very good care to re- 
 taliate, by carrying the war into the enemy's camp. When 
 Peter O'Riordan, for instance, a devout son of mother 
 Church, sneered at " the spirit moving me," and hinted 
 broadly that he considered all Quakers hypocrites, I turned 
 my green spectacles on him, and solemnly anathematized 
 the errors of Popery, with many moving allusions to the 
 man of sin, the mark of the beast, the mystical number 
 666, etc. These sallies were received with hearty laughter 
 by Catholics and Protestants alike. On polemical subjects, 
 however, it is always desirable " to balance fair in ilka 
 quarter," even in a prison, and I had been a warm 
 advocate for what is called " religious equality " long 
 before it suited English parties to make it a convenient 
 battle cry. When Benjamin Hozack, therefore, a very 
 ferocious Orangeman, whom I had noted as peculiarly pro- 
 minent among my assailants at the Rotunda last October, 
 indulged in some coarse jokes on finding O'Riordan discon- 
 certed, I resolved to crush him still more effectually. 
 
 " Truly, friend Hozack," said I, " thy remarks are un- 
 becoming. They savour of the old Adam. I fear thou 
 art one of those who resort to the carnal arm, and walk 
 with men of wrath and violence, even with those who call 
 themselves Orangemen." 
 
 " Bravo, Jonathan ! "— " Pitch into him "—-" That's the 
 real Simon Pure!" — and similar cries resounded on all 
 
Jack Westropp. 1 01 
 
 sides, amidst a deafening din of laughter and rapping of 
 spoons on the table. 
 
 " William the Third was one of the most glorious heroes 
 that ever lived, " cried Hozack, boiling with indignation. 
 
 "The man William," I replied, "did much good in 
 his day, but what good do his followers do? Are they 
 not brawlers, disturbers of the peace, partisans, players of 
 profane tunes ? " 
 
 " It's well for you you are a Quaker," interrupted the 
 angry Orangeman, seeing the mirth of the company increas- 
 ing, and at his expense. " If you were not a man of 
 peace — " 
 
 " Nay, friend Hozack, if thou desirest it, I will fight thee 
 a round after breakfast to-morrow morning ; but at present, 
 I pray thee, let there be peace between thee and me." 
 
 This exhibition of spirit was vehemently applauded on all 
 sides, and Hozack, whose courage was somewhat of the 
 Bobadil order, speedily repudiated all bloodthirsty inten- 
 tions, so that harmony was restored immediately. The 
 dinner things having been removed, Captain Bilkeley pro- 
 duced several bottles of whisky, and as the guests pro- 
 ceeded to mix their punch, and to indulge at the same time 
 in the luxury of pipes and cigars, the room was quickly 
 filled with dense volumes of vapour. I felt it only con- 
 sistent with the gravity of my character to enter a protest 
 against intoxicating liquor. 
 
 " The poison ! " I exclaimed, making a very wry face, as a 
 bottle was passed round to me. " Take it away, my friends." 
 
102 Jack Westropp. 
 
 "Try a little, Aminadab " — "You'll find it good for 
 your complaint, Solomon " — and similar hospitable appeals 
 resounded round the table. At last I allowed myself to be 
 over persuaded, and mixed a little, as I said by way of ex- 
 periment, and in order to be able more clearly to expose its 
 pernicious effects. I could glean from the stage whispers 
 of the company that a very general desire prevailed to see 
 the Quaker " screwed," a gratification which I was firmly 
 resolved not to afford them. The hospitable captain vainly 
 tried to divert these semi-savages from their frolicsome per- 
 secution of his grave and sober guest. They were a very 
 mercurial race, however. Their attention was seldom long 
 directed to any one subject, and before I had succeeded in 
 ascertaining all the evil qualities latent in a tumbler of 
 punch, public interest was concentrated on a grand scheme 
 propounded by a hopelessly insolvent trader, for the re- 
 adjustment of the incidence of imperial taxation, and the 
 rapid extinction of the national debt. 
 
 As I took no interest just then in any Sinking Fund but 
 my own, I pleaded headache, and quietly stole forth into the 
 open air. My headache was partly real, partly assumed, but 
 I soon banished it with a cup of coffee, and leaving the 
 wretched revellers to their " tipsy mirth and jollity," which 
 was now swelling high, I strode smartly round the almost 
 deserted court-yard, in the hope that rapid exercise would 
 bring rest to my weary brain, and make me sleep in spite of 
 myself. Ah me ! the lion in a menagerie is a sad object, 
 after all. Where were the mountains of Tipperary ? — where 
 
Jack Westropp. 103 
 
 were the cliffs of Clare ?— where were the applauding 
 myriads ? — where was the wooded Dargle ? — where was the 
 peerless Charlotte ?— and above all, where, oh ! where was 
 the money to pay Dick Ferguson's bill ? 
 
 After walking about half an hour, asking myself these 
 bitter questions, I heard a low growl, and was startled by 
 seeing a large hound steal forth from a corner of the court- 
 yard, followed by a pallid, careworn man, who raised his hat 
 politely, and said, — 
 
 " Don't be uneasy, sir \ poor old Caesar won't touch you. 
 He is the quietest animal in the world, though he has not 
 forgotten how to growl ; but he would fly at you in a 
 moment if he took it into his head that you wanted to 
 injure me. Thank God, I have still a friend left, even 
 here." 
 
 There was something very interesting about this stranger, 
 with whom I at once entered into familiar conversation; 
 discarding all my "thees " and " thous," and giving him 
 my real name. I found him to be a gentleman and scholar. 
 His father, Major Miller, a magistrate for a western county, 
 had passed a life of reckless dissipation, and had not only 
 irretrievably wasted his own fortune, but dragged his son 
 headlong with him down the road of ruin. For six long 
 weary years he had pined in this abode of wretchedness 
 and he looked fully fifty years of age, though he assured 
 me he was only thirty-four. Some friends used to visit and 
 assist him at first, but gradually they all dropped off. With 
 their departure his interest in the affairs of the outer world 
 
i04 Jack Westropp. 
 
 completely vanished, and he had long since lost all care for 
 that liberty which he would not know how to use. 
 
 " It is not a pleasant life, certainly," he said, " to be 
 always looking at your tomb, and walking about it ; — but it 
 has its compensations. While I am left Caesar I am 
 content ; and when I die, he will not survive me long." 
 
 I found such a melancholy satisfaction just then in con- 
 versing with a man whose lot was so much sadder than my 
 own, that I felt unwilling to leave him, and we protracted 
 our dialogue till the rising moon warned us to separate for 
 the night. To vegetate for years in that wretched spot — to 
 know that in very truth your prison-house must become 
 your charnel-house — to be fated to perish there, unloved, 
 u nwept, unknown — heavens, what a doom ! 
 
 I was deeply moved by this page from the tragic records 
 of life in the Marshalsea. I was no moralist then (whatever 
 I may be now), and, fresh from the wild revels that con- 
 stituted its comic side, I could not see that that frantic 
 debauchery of ruined men, that fiddling of Nero while 
 Rome was burning, that ghastly rioting over the grave of 
 character, hope, and peace, had something in it sadder 
 still. 
 
 Fortunately I had slept but little the night before, think- 
 ing of the exciting love passages of the day, and of other 
 matters of less pleasing interest. I was now very tired, and 
 my hard pallet was crowned with the blessings of oblivion 
 much sooner than I could have hoped. My sleep was long 
 and sound. About seven next morning I fell into a 
 
Jack Westropp. 105 
 
 delightful dream, in which Charlotte De Lacy and I 
 wandered over the Hill of Howth to its most picturesque 
 extremity, seated ourselves on a slope overhanging the sea, 
 and proceeded to repeat the agreeable programme that had 
 proved so satisfactory to both of us when rehearsing it at the 
 Lover's Leap. Suddenly, by one of those magical meta- 
 morphoses known only to nightmares, the Bailey Lighthouse 
 was changed into the Old Bailey of London. Charlotte in 
 an equally unaccountable manner became transformed into 
 a grim-looking jailer, who seized me violently by the throat, 
 and, turning on the other side with a groan, I awoke to 
 misery and the Marshalsea. 
 
CHAPTER XL 
 
 I INVOKE THE AID OF A POTENT ENCHANTER TO BREAK 
 THE SPELL. 
 
 I formed the speedy resolution of discarding the absurd 
 mummery of a Quaker's disguise, and strolled forth among 
 my wondering fellow captives in my real character. I had 
 just despatched a hurried breakfast, and was endeavouring 
 to fix my distracted thoughts on the Firebrand of the day, 
 when my mother made her appearance. 
 
 Alas, she was alone ! It was shockingly unfilial and 
 ungrateful of me, no doubt, but though she put into my 
 hand £$ Iaf «> which she had just scraped together in 
 some mysterious manner, and told me to make myself as 
 comfortable as possible with it, I could not suppress my 
 disappointment at not being able to take a tender farewell 
 of Charlotte. 
 
 " Why didn't you bring her — and Kate ? " I asked. 
 
 " Nonsense ! — you really surprise me. Bring young 
 ladies into such a savage den as this ? Why, one glance at 
 the horrid hairy-faced men outside there would frighten any 
 decent girl out of her wits ! " And, as if to justify this 
 
Jack Westrepp. 107 
 
 strong assertion, a wild howl, resembling an Indian war- 
 whoop, burst from a half-drunken desperado below, and 
 rang appallingly through our ears. 
 
 " It is certainly rather an unpleasant place," I said 
 ruefully. 
 
 " And yet you must go and engage yourself to a penni- 
 less girl, knowing well — " 
 
 " Not knowing I was to come here, mother — not think- 
 ing of it for a moment. Believe that. And so darling 
 Charlotte has told you all ? — I was very rash, I admit — 
 very foolish ; but—" 
 
 " Well, well, there is no use in talking about it now. I 
 suppose we can't put grey heads on green shoulders. 
 There is one comfort — she is a lady, at all events, not like 
 your Munkittricks ." 
 
 Her contemptuous emphasis on the last word was most 
 marked. Those grapes in Merrion Square had proved sour, 
 it is true, nearly six months ago ; — and yet I could not but 
 secretly admit that forty thousand pounds would be much 
 more useful in my present plight than any amount of dignity 
 or " blood." 
 
 While thus conversing, the anxiously expected Malachi 
 Fitzsimon joined us. This friend in need told me that he 
 had procured an interview the day before with Dick 
 Ferguson, on whom he had strongly impressed my utter 
 and hopeless insolvency, saying that if he pushed matters 
 to extremities, he would find my assets to amount to some- 
 thing very like nothing in the pound. 
 
108 Jack Westropp. 
 
 " God forgive all liars, Jack," said he, "but I told him 
 that your furniture consisted of a few broken old chairs and 
 tables that would not fetch thirty shillings in Liffey Street. 
 It was as much for the fun of putting my finger in such a 
 knowing old schemer's eye as of doing you a good turn." 
 
 " You are a trump. And what did he say? " 
 
 " He fought hard, and was very indignant. He said he 
 had heard most beautiful speeches from you, and what use 
 was all your oratory if it did not enable you to pay your 
 lawful debts — and you an unmarried man, too." (Here 
 the orator winced.) " I explained that it was the dead 
 season in oratory. We had a spring tide last year, and this 
 was the ebb." 
 
 1 ' And did you melt him at last, dear Mr. Fitzsimon ? " 
 my mother asked, beginning to cry. 
 
 " I said he might have the pound of flesh if he liked, and 
 of course there was no accounting for tastes, but for my part 
 I would rather have half a loaf than no bread, — and I was 
 just moving away when he called me back. How much 
 could we manage to pay ?— twenty-five pounds ? Nonsense. 
 Twenty? Impossible. Eighteen? I shook my head. 
 At last, under tremendous pressure, he consented to let you 
 out and give up the bill, if we could let him have fifteen 
 pounds this week — " 
 
 11 Bravo, Malachi ! " 
 
 " But another bill of yours would fall due shortly, and he 
 swore he should have full value for it. Now, Jack, I must 
 tell you plainly how the land lies. You don't know what 
 
Jack Westropp. 109 
 
 you owe, and if you get out now debt after debt will keep 
 turning up, and I shall have fresh battles to fight. If you 
 can manage to raise, say a hundred pounds, and leave it 
 n my hands, I will guarantee your safety for some time, 
 at least till you get a rich wife, or an appointment of some 
 sort. But mind — you must live within your means, what- 
 ever they are. No fresh debts in the future, or I am done 
 with you." 
 
 Most excellent advice, albeit strongly resembling that given 
 by the physicians to Sir Walter Scott in his declining years 
 to cease from literary labour, and met by the playful simile 
 of Polly putting the kettle on, and saying—" Now, don't 
 boil." People will try to keep out the tide with a pitch 
 fork. Avoid debt — Jack Westropp, avoid debt ! 
 
 Malachi and my mother departed together, and then I 
 sat down on my bed, and remained for half an hour plunged 
 in profound reflection. Raise a hundred pounds ? — Yes ; 
 or conquer Russia ; one seemed about as likely as the 
 other. My insolvent friend of the night before, broaching 
 his grand theory for the extinction of the national debt, 
 seemed a highly practical financier in comparison. And 
 yet, somehow or other, it must be done. The word 
 " impossible " must not be found in my vocabulary. It is 
 true that, as I recalled to memory various former sources of 
 supply, I had to own that they were all dried up. From 
 Dame Street to Drumcondra all was barren. From Baggot 
 Street to Ballybough Bridge all my friends had become 
 men of little faith. From Merrion Square— but I paused 
 
no Jack Westropp. 
 
 there. What about Munkittrick ? He was a man of vast 
 wealth, at whose house I had been an honoured guest, who 
 had uttered beautiful sentiments in my praise, and who 
 had sent me sweet grapes during my illness. Ah, but the 
 sour grapes ! I could not forget them. I had been most 
 miserably jilted by that consummate flirt, Mary Ann. 
 What ! should Captain Twycross amuse his friends with 
 stories of the bankrupt patriot, who had vainly aspired to 
 the hand of the great heiress, begging her father to assist 
 him in his dire extremity, and perhaps begging in vain ? 
 Perish the thought ! I had little of my mother's absurd 
 pride, but I must confess this was too much for me. And 
 then my busy brain conceived a scheme of extraordinary 
 audacity, the wildness of which made me laugh at first, 
 though on further reflection it seemed by no means so 
 chimerical ; and bracing myself for a great effort, I wrote 
 the following letter : — 
 
 "To Philip Fogarty, Esq., 
 u Grazier, etc., 
 " Ballinasloe. 
 
 " Four Courts Marshalsea, Dublin. 
 
 " Dear Sir, — You will doubtless be surprised at hear- 
 ing from a perfect stranger, and still more at my writing 
 from this horrid place. But the fame of my exertions for 
 Ireland may have reached your ears ; for, as ^Eneas touch- 
 ingly asks — 
 
 * Qtuz regio in terris nostri non plena laboris ? ' 
 Briefly, I am the victim of circumstances over which I have 
 
Jack Weslropp. Ill 
 
 no control. In my struggles for fatherland I have already 
 wasted all my means, and am now cooped up here for a 
 miserable debt, which a hundred pounds sent to my 
 solicitor, Mr. Malachi Fitzsimon, 43, Dame Street, Dublin, 
 would promptly satisfy. Is Ireland yet to be a nation? 
 Certainly not, if her martyred sons are to be shut out from 
 the glorious radiance of the god of day. I need not say 
 that if the Liberator were at large, ten times that sum would 
 be forthcoming for my aid in a moment ; but the horrible 
 malignity of the Saxon oppressor has thrust him and seven of 
 Erin's noblest sons into a dungeon, at the very time that 
 the harpies of the law have swooped down upon me. I 
 have no claim upon you ; I know that full well. And yet 
 methinks as I recall the sight of your stalwart figure at 
 Repeal meetings, as I remember your noble enthusiasm 
 in the cause of patriotism, I am convinced you will not 
 refuse me this boon. Is it not the voice of the guardian 
 genius of Erin that prompts me to write these few hurried 
 distracted lines, torn from the depths of a bleeding heart ? 
 Oh, my friend, we may yet be free ! We may yet have 
 another, and a more successful, 1843. When that halcyon 
 day comes I may thank you in person for the remittance 
 that I feel assured is upon the wing. Till then I am your 
 devoted admirer and untiring fellow workman in the cause 
 of our native land, 
 
 " John Westropp." 
 Four days elapsed, during which I vainly expected a reply 
 to this and some other despairing communications. At 
 
1 1 2 Jack Westropp. 
 
 last, just as I was beginning to feel all hope extinguished, 
 I was handed a very dirty letter, directed, " Mr. J. Westrope 
 Fore Corts Marshal See Dublin." The sheet of letter 
 paper on which it was written was not enclosed in an 
 envelope — that useful modern invention not having, 
 perhaps, penetrated as far as Ballinasloe — and it was so 
 folded that any curious postman with sufficient leisure 
 could easily have mastered its contents, without breaking 
 the seal, which simply consisted of the impression of a 
 thimble on some sprawling red wax. Its contents were at 
 follows : — 
 
 "My dear young Man, — I feel for your thrubble and 
 sines on it sends a check for the amount to Mr. Fitzsimmons 
 the times is quare but howld up your hart for I remimber a 
 divilish site wurse in 98 when I was a slip of a gossoon ive 
 heerd of your fame Mr Westrope tho I couldnt make out 
 the french but 111 ax father Mooney its meanin he has been 
 in forrin parts and likely nose I hope soon to be in Dublin 
 and meat you more by token Id have rote sooner but was 
 thryin to make shure twas yourself was in it for betune you 
 and I theres a power of blaggards goin theres won bad 
 member chowsed me out of fifteen pounds lettin on to be 
 young Dan and dun me a durty turn besides in the regard 
 of Dr Ireland if you could only find him out and persikute 
 him accordin to law and give him seven years or so in 
 botany bay Id not mind axin back the money at all what a 
 pity theres nayther stox nor the pilory these times for the 
 like of him pray send a resate God bless you I hope yull be 
 
Jack Westropp. 1 1 3 
 
 all rite now Id walk from this to Cork barefut to see the 
 rascal on the thredmil no more at present but remanes 
 
 " Yours truly 
 
 " Philip Fogarty." 
 
 I have always been accustomed to receive with thankful- 
 ness substantial acts of kindness, even when accompanied 
 by bad language, and unchristian and unforgiving as were 
 the sentiments expressed in this phonetic epistle, my 
 gratitude towards the writer was most sincere. It did not 
 prevent me, indeed, from bursting into a hearty fit of 
 laughter at an extraordinary request contained in the letter. 
 I was to be forgiven this debt, but on what condition ? — 
 simply that I should " persikute " myself according to law, 
 and get myself transported for a few years ! Well, I was 
 transported with joy at all events— and yet my cup of 
 happiness was quickly dashed to the ground, as I reflected 
 on the strong probability of the letter to Malachi having 
 miscarried. Even supposing it reached " Mr. Fitzsimmons " 
 in safety, and that the postman was above temptation, was 
 it not very likely that the cheque had fallen out of a letter 
 so carelessly folded, and got into wrong hands? As this 
 horrid thought took possession of me I became utterly 
 miserable, and the next hour was the most wretched I ever 
 passed in that abode of wretchedness. At last I was 
 relieved by a hurried note from Malachi, saying that all was 
 right, and that I should be free next day, adding, however, 
 that it was well he had not rejected Mr. Fogarty's important 
 communication — which had reached him unstamped ! I 
 
 vol. 1. 1 
 
114 Jack Westropp* 
 
 actually jumped and shouted for joy at this intelligence. 
 My first step was to write a letter of fervent thanks to Mr. 
 Fogarty, in which I said I should certainly make a diligent 
 search for the person who had injured him, but suggested 
 that it might be better not to proceed to extremities about a 
 manifest practical joke, which might expose his grey hairs 
 and his respected name to ridicule. I then rushed into the 
 court-yard. 
 
 The roaring blades assembled there congratulated me 
 warmly on the prospect of my liberation, but expressed so 
 much regret at having to part with me to-morrow that I 
 determined we should make a night of it. Accordingly I 
 spent a sovereign out of the money my mother had brought 
 me on whisky and tobacco for an evening's jollification. 
 Upwards of a dozen of us did justice to these luxuries. I 
 was voted a prince of good fellows by my new friends, at 
 whose request I gave an animated imitation of O'Connell, 
 beginning with his well-known joke, " Unaccustomed as 
 I am to public speaking," and, more suo, closing an 
 impassioned peroration with Moore's verse — 
 
 " Where's the slave so lowly, 
 Condemn'd to chains unholy, 
 
 Who, could he burst 
 
 His bonds at first, 
 Would pine beneath them slowly ? " 
 
 This aspiration for freedom met with the cordial sympathy 
 of my captive guests, albeit they probably put a much more 
 literal construction on it than that intended by the poet. 
 
 My autobiographical Muse loves variety ; and I shall not 
 
Jack Westropp. 115 
 
 again take advantage of my tyrannous power over the reader 
 by transporting him in imagination into that jovial Bohemia 
 of the insolvents. I may just say in passing that on many 
 subsequent occasions I sojourned there in the body, some- 
 times as a visitor to embarrassed friends, sometimes by 
 compulsion, and on my own account. For success begets 
 recklessness. From the day Fogarty's letter reached me 
 my faith in my " star " was complete, and I would have 
 esteemed it the rankest heresy to doubt my own invincibility 
 any further. On the whole, though I passed many a sad 
 hour in the Marshalsea afterwards, I look back on it with 
 feelings of fondness and admiration, such as Bruce and 
 Livingstone may be supposed to have entertained for the 
 dismal regions whose secrets they had explored. The 
 corruptible has put on incorruption. Ah ! why is it no 
 more permitted to me to revel within those dingy old walls ? 
 The Marshalsea has of late years been converted into a 
 barrack, and is occupied, I understand, by — the Militia ! 
 Surely, when Ireland becomes a nation, this desecration will 
 be tolerated no longer. Above all public buildings that I 
 know of, the Marshalsea seems peculiarly fitted to be made 
 an Asylum for Decayed Patriots. The necessity for such an 
 institution (already slightly hinted at) is manifest. I hear 
 it constantly said that no profession thrives so well in Ire- 
 land as that of patriotism ; and there must be truth in the 
 remark ; — else why should love of country be as noisy and 
 as demonstrative among us to-day as it was half a century 
 ago ? But I want to have the profession placed on a solid 
 
 1 2 
 
n6 Jack Westropp. 
 
 commercial basis. I want to have the heroes in the cause 
 provided for in the future, as well as in the present. I 
 want to see the formation of a great establishment, where 
 worn-out agitators, the veterans of patriotism, may repose on 
 their laurels, and end their days in peace. When that 
 vision is realized, my mission will be accomplished, and I 
 shall feel that I have not lived in vain. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MR. FOGARTY CONSULTS AN EMINENT MERCHANT AS TO THE 
 MOST EFFECTUAL MEANS OF BRINGING ME TO JUSTICE. 
 
 I returned home a couple of days late for that tender 
 parting scene with Charlotte which would have atoned for 
 so many miserable hours in the past week — a week in which 
 I seemed to have lived for ages. To make matters worse, 
 the darling creature's thumb was seriously injured by being 
 caught in the door of a carriage on her route homeward, and 
 thus she was unfortunately unable even to calm my throb- 
 bing bosom with a letter. Her mother wrote rather briefly 
 to mine, described the accident, expressed much thankful- 
 ness for the kindness we had shown Charlotte during her 
 visit, and sent her " love to all." This was but " cauld 
 kail " to the panting breast of an impassioned lover. I 
 seized on stationery, and wrote Charlotte a letter in which 
 I vowed eternal adoration, dwelt eloquently on the delicious 
 hours we had passed in the Dargle and elsewhere, com- 
 passionated her poor, dear, suffering thumb, wished I was 
 there to kiss it into pristine soundness, etc., etc. 
 
 A reply from a young lady with a bruised thumb was 
 
nS Jack Westropp. 
 
 of course not to be looked for ; and my fair readers must 
 imagine for themselves all the loving things Charlotte De 
 Lacy would doubtless have written to me, could she have 
 laid due hold of one of Joseph Gillott's magum bonum 
 pens. That feat being impossible, I must content myself 
 with narrating my own prosaic transactions. 
 
 Though, as we have lately seen, I could devote intense 
 thought and time to some great scheme for raising money 
 or getting out of a scrape, I never could succeed in living 
 within my means, or move in that harness which enables 
 so many dull plodding fellows to climb up the hill of 
 worldly respectability and success. This result of my 
 volatile temperament and untrained habits was most un- 
 fortunate. I was almost a year and a half at the bar, and 
 yet, far as my name had spread, and keenly as I had tasted 
 the luxury of popular applause, I had no means of living 
 — no position at my profession — no money — no credit 
 — no character, or worse than none. I was still an Irish 
 gentleman in search of a subsistence. How long was this 
 state of things to last ? 
 
 As I strolled dejectedly through Dame Street two days 
 after my liberation, pondering on that important question, 
 I happened to meet the proprietor of the Firebrand. He 
 greeted me very cordially, and after some words of course 
 said, — 
 
 " By-the-bye, Westropp, I am in want of a smart reporter 
 just now, and you are the very man who will be able to get 
 
Jack Westropp. 119 
 
 "lam perfectly at your service ! " 
 
 " And whom do you recommend ? " 
 
 " Myself." 
 
 " Yourself ! — that's rather a good one. You were always 
 fond of your joke." 
 
 "But this is no joke — life is no joke — I am a joker no 
 longer. I am confoundedly out at elbows." 
 
 " I am very sorry to hear it." 
 
 " Had I smothered all my impulses — had I worked like 
 a cart-horse — had I made myself a mere machine, I might 
 — but no matter. What's the screw ? " 
 
 " A poor two pounds a week is all I can offer ordinary 
 reporters." 
 
 " But I am an extraordinary one. Make it three, and 
 I'll throw in an article or two every week that will make 
 people's hair stand on end." 
 
 < ' Done ! " 
 
 It was certainly most humiliating for the rising hope of 
 Ireland to subside into his old post, that of a mere news- 
 paper reporter. It was as if some warrior, the renown of 
 whose deeds had rung through Europe, found that his day 
 was past, and was driven to earn his bread by writing the 
 history of other heroes. Anything, however, was better than 
 the shiftless life of a mere adventurer. I was fortunately 
 free, as I have stated, from foolish prejudices on the score of 
 pride, and I now cheerfully devoted my energies to a class 
 of business with which old practice on an opposition paper 
 had made me so familiar. But to live within my means 
 
120 Jack Westropp. 
 
 — to discuss wild fowl and champagne in the company of 
 jovial fellows, whose favourite theme was praise of my 
 eloquence and my patriotism, on a wretched three pounds a 
 week ! — that was another matter altogether. I was the 
 right man in the wrong place. My social and hospitable 
 nature could never stoop to the paltry economy necessary 
 for a poor man ; and therefore it was only a matter of course 
 that I found my debts fast accumulating again. Malachi 
 Fitzsimon had to fight hard battles to preserve my liberty, 
 and told me more than once that his patience was worn 
 out ; and I became terribly perplexed for want of a few 
 pounds of ready money. 
 
 The sittings after term had not yet concluded, when 
 towards the close of an interesting trial I strolled into court, 
 equipped in my professional wig and gown, and wildly 
 hoping that some attorney would be insane enough to retain 
 me in a case of importance. No such phenomenon, it is 
 true, occurred; — but a very extraordinary interruption of 
 the judicial proceedings led to results so singular that I find 
 it necessary to describe it here. 
 
 The learned judge had just begun his charge, and said — 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, in this case the plaintiff seeks to 
 recover a sum of — n when a stentorian voice in the gallery 
 called out, as if in a soliloquy, " A hundred and fifteen 
 pounds — sorrow penny less." A roar of laughter resounded 
 through the court. The judge sternly demanded the police 
 to eject the offending party ; and public curiosity was 
 strongly excited as to whether the delinquent was a ven- 
 
Jack Westropp. 121 
 
 triloquist or a lunatic. / happened to know that he was 
 neither ; and a cold shudder ran through my frame as a too 
 familiar voice, regardless of all consequences, continued — 
 " That's him, begorra ! The spalpeen ! The thief of the 
 world ! Be the — ." At this juncture the exertions of the 
 police proved effectual, and Mr. Philip Fogarty, more 
 fortunate than he was aware in not being committed for 
 contempt of court, was summarily ejected with no slight 
 degree of roughness. 
 
 To me this apparently trifling incident was, I need scarcely 
 say, fonnidable enough. It would be highly inconvenient 
 for the angry Fogarty to lie in wait in the hall, till he could 
 tax me before my laughing brother barristers with the two 
 pecuniary transactions between us. Of course they could 
 both be easily explained. As for the latter, why might not 
 a gentleman in difficulties write frankly for aid to a rich 
 fellow patriot, although a stranger? — and had not Mr. 
 Fogarty's absurd mistake about the former been already 
 corrected by a decision in a police court ? True ; but 
 somehow or other the concurrence of the two just then 
 would be — awkward, at all events. 
 
 No longer feeling any interest in the case before the 
 court, my sole attention was now directed to the best mode 
 of escaping unobserved. At last I resolved on a bold, 
 though somewhat perilous course. My skill in personation 
 and the success with which I had lately enacted the char- 
 acter of a Quaker, had induced me to utilize so very simple 
 a disguise in case of emergency, and consequently I had 
 
122 Jack Westropp. 
 
 established a broad-brimmed hat and a pair of green 
 spectacles at home, as well as in the Avernus of the courts, 
 wherein lawyers stow their canonicals. On the present 
 occasion I dived rapidly and cautiously downstairs, doffed 
 my wig and gown for equipment so becoming a " friend," 
 turned up the collars of my coat and waistcoat, clipped my 
 whiskers a little, applied to my cheeks a powder which 
 effectually robbed me of my brilliant natural complexion, 
 and strode solemnly through the hall with my hands folded 
 on my breast. I saw the wrathful Fogarty standing at one 
 of the doors, armed with a hockey stick, and evidently bent 
 on vengeance. It was a situation in which an inferior artist 
 would have taken no notice of him, and simply passed on, 
 but I immediately formed a new plan of campaign, the 
 execution of which demanded all the coolness, presence of 
 mind, and inventive power, that I could summon to my 
 aid. 
 
 Boldly taking the initiative, I snuffled forth in tones most 
 unlike those which had identified me as the youthful hope 
 of the Liberator — " A fine day, friend." 
 
 " Middlin'," he growled. 
 
 " Thou seemest a stranger here. Can I assist thee in 
 aught ? " 
 
 " Maybe youcould insenseme when Counsellor Westhropp 
 will be out." 
 
 " Verily he hath departed by a back way." 
 
 " Divil sweep him ! " 
 
 Turning a deaf ear to this pious ejaculation, I continued — 
 11 1 suppose thou hast retained him ? " 
 
Jack Westropp. 123 
 
 " Retain him ! I wish to J s (Lord forgive me for 
 
 swearin' ! ) I could retain him for seven years." 
 
 "Truly, friend, if thou hast so protracted a suit, I would 
 advise thee to retain some more skilful lawyer — such a man, 
 for instance, as Gerald Fitzgibbon, or James Whiteside, or 
 Abraham — " 
 
 " Ah, but it's not that I mane. I'd like to keep him 
 seven years goin' on a threadmill, the divil's imp ! Isn't 
 that plain talkin' ? " 
 
 "Plain enough, and indicating, I fear, a revengeful 
 spirit, which is even as a snare. And has this misguided 
 youth injured thee in aught ? " 
 
 " Has he ! Be the hole of me coat, he has robbed me 
 out of a face. Oh, wait till I tell you ! — see here, 
 Misther — " 
 
 11 Pirn — Ebenezer Pirn." 
 
 " What ! Is it one of the great Pirns of George's 
 Street?" 
 
 u Yea, verily, an unworthy junior member of that firm, 
 which hath highly prospered in commercial affairs." 
 
 "Be all the hairs in an ass's tail, and that's not a smooth 
 oath, I'm proud to meet you, Misther Pirn. Give us the 
 fist Will you do me the favour of crackin' a bottle of 
 wine with me ? " 
 
 " I have scruples in matters of that sort, unless it be 
 taken medicinally. It is what I seldom do." 
 
 " Ay but you'll do it now, alanna, till I tell you all about 
 this limb of the ould boy. Come along to Peter 
 O'Donohoe's." 
 
124 J ac k Westropp. 
 
 After some further show of reluctance I consented, and 
 we got side by side on a car. Mr. Fogarty— whose 
 tendency to embellish his discourse with profane expletives 
 I had several times to check somewhat sternly, though 
 unfortunately without effect — entertained me with an ani- 
 mated account of my own enormities. I had first done him 
 out of fifteen pounds by "playactin' young Dan," next 
 sent him on a wild goose chase to Dr. Ireland's house, 
 which had very nearly led to his committal as a dangerous 
 lunatic, and lastly, I had the unparalleled impudence to 
 "rise" a hundred pounds from him, by a letter in my real 
 name. Glory be to God, he had now seen the varmint in 
 his wig and gown, and could never be mistaken about him 
 again, bad scran to him ! 
 
 " I never met such a crooked rapscallion in all my born 
 days," he proceeded. " I only wish I could spend half a 
 day and a ha'penny on him." 
 
 " Indeed ! " I exclaimed, wondering at this liberality of 
 spirit. " And why so ? " 
 
 " Half a day to see him hanged, and a ha'penny to buy 
 his last speech and dyin' declaration ! " 
 
 However horrified at this cold-blooded announcement, it 
 was with some difficulty I refrained from laughing at it. 
 
 " But," said I, " if I follow thee aright in this strange 
 tale, it perplexes me to know how thou wert able to identify 
 this man Westropp in the court." 
 
 " Faix, aisy enough. He's as well known as the parish 
 pump. ' Look at Counsellor Westhropp, the great spaker,' 
 
Jack Westropp. 125 
 
 says a fellow beside me in the gallery. ' Where ? ' says I ; 
 1 he's the very man I'd like to meet.' ' Down yondher,' says 
 he, ' just in the corner sate, behind that dark-looking man 
 with the big bag.' ' Tare-an-owns,' says I, * it's my bowld 
 young Dan, no less. It was time for me to cotch him.' 
 They stared as if I was mad, and when I said somethin' 
 about how he thrated me, the ould woman of a judge 
 beyant had me turned out with no more politeness, nor 
 remorse of conscience, nor if I was a pig. And this is what 
 they call a land of liberty — bad cess to it ! " 
 
 Arrived at O'Donohoe's tavern in Abbey Street, we 
 proceeded to despatch a bottle of sherry, my companion 
 dividing his eloquence between threats of summary ven- 
 geance against Counsellor Westropp, oaths sworn before 
 me in an unofficial capacity, and which I accordingly 
 suppress, and acknowledgments of the honour done him by 
 one of " the great Pirns " in sharing his wine and his 
 confidence. 
 
 "But see here, friend Fogarty," I observed, "let us not 
 be rash. Thou talkest of taking legal proceedings against 
 this erring youth ; — now, the law is well known to be slow 
 and doubtful. When dost thou purpose returning to 
 Galway?" 
 
 " I'm afeard I must go early to-morrow." 
 
 "And how about this evening?" 
 
 " I have still a power of places to call on — the weary's 
 on them for cattle ! It's what I ought to be in Smithfield 
 this blessed minute." 
 
126 Jack Westropp. 
 
 I ruminated a little, and then said thoughtfully, — 
 
 " It is hard to advise in a perplexing case like this — very 
 hard ; but if thou hast a wise and steady friend in Dublin, 
 with whom thou wouldst leave a small sum, say from twenty 
 to thirty pounds, to fee an attorney and retain counsel in 
 thy absence, much might be promptly done towards 
 prosecuting this misguided youth. I think I see my way 
 in the matter (albeit we Friends are not men of law)." 
 
 "All I want is fairity — sorrow hair I care what it costs. 
 And might I make bowld to ax you, Mr. Pirn honey, to see 
 afther it ? — I know it's takin' a great liberty." 
 
 " Nay, it's not that ; but I hardly feel free in conscience 
 to look after secular things, beyond the business of the firm. 
 Unless, indeed, it would greatly convenience thee." 
 
 " Oh, look at the way he thrated me ! " 
 
 " I can quite believe it, friend ; for, strange to say, it 
 was business matters between myself and this Westropp 
 that led to his imprisonment in the Marshalsea." 
 
 " Ah, then, was it ? And / let him out like a great 
 gommock. Isn't it a murther Saint Patrick isn't in it, to 
 dhrive the like of such slippery snakes into the say ? " 
 
 " Nay, my brother, that is scarcely a Christian sentiment, 
 and may be the source of backsliding. But let us get to 
 business. I will record this affair of thine in due form." 
 And I took out my pencil and pocket-book with great 
 solemnity. 
 
 " Be this and be that you're a jewel, and I'll never say 
 black was the white of a Quaker's eye again. D'ye think 
 twenty pounds will be enough to set things goin' ? " 
 
Jack Westropp. 127 
 
 " Twenty-five will be safer, considering the importance 
 of the case — that is, twenty-five guineas. These carnal- 
 minded men of law always count by guineas. If their 
 claims be less, I can return thee the difference ; " — and I 
 made a formal entry of the transaction in my pocket-book, 
 as I consigned the stipulated amount to my purse. 
 
 " I feel my mind aisier now, Mr. Pim. I'll go bail we'll 
 have him at last." 
 
 " I am convinced, friend Fogarty, we have him as safe 
 as if he were here this moment. I will write thee word of 
 my doings from time to time, 'and never forget, when thou 
 comest to Dublin again, to visit me at my residence, 
 Proteus Hall, Dalkey." 
 
 I have at various periods of my existence recruited the 
 exhausted exchequer by levying taxation under extra- 
 ordinary circumstances, but " never aught like this." Here 
 I was actually paid twenty-five guineas to retain counsel — 
 in order to prosecute myself ! 
 
 " Were ever guineas in such humour won ? " I fear my 
 transactions with Mr. Fogarty will suggest recollections of 
 Bampfylde Moore Carew, of dubious fame ; but to what 
 were they all owing ? To what, but the terrible necessity 
 of living? The Fates kept constantly dangling that for- 
 bidden fruit the O'Fogarty before me, when I was most in 
 need of such nourishment as he could yield. Was I to 
 starve, with the land of plenty full in view? It is a nice 
 question ; but I cannot stop to moralise. Mr. Fogarty has 
 long since been gathered to his fathers. Touching ac- 
 
128 Jack Westropp. 
 
 counts of his funeral, the largest ever known in Ballinasloe, 
 have reached me. He was bewailed, it appears, not in 
 tears only, but in drink also; and so vast was the amount 
 of whisky consumed at his wake, that it led to much 
 diversion of an intensely exciting nature, including several 
 broken heads, and the loss of not more than three or four 
 lives. In his case I cheerfully echo the pious aspiration 
 Requiescat in pace; for who would wish such a troubled 
 spirit to walk again? He did not remember me in his 
 will, not leaving out of his immense wealth as much as the 
 price of a suit of mourning to the fellow patriot who has 
 striven so hard to preserve his memory. Nay, I under- 
 stand he cherished sentiments of malignity towards me to 
 the last ; but I wish to live in charity with all men, and I 
 cheerfully forgive him, 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 HOW TO PROCURE BALLAST. 
 
 I was too conscientious to neglect my promise of corre- 
 sponding with Mr. Fogarty, and two days afterwards I 
 apprised him, in a very business-like letter, written in a stiff, 
 formal hand, that I had explained his case to Mr. C. Fitz- 
 gerald, solicitor, who had laid it before two eminent counsel. 
 They were both of opinion that recent legislation had trans- 
 ferred the offence of raising the wind from a criminal to a 
 civil jurisdiction, — and as the long vacation was about to com- 
 mence, no action could be brought till November, till which 
 time I hoped he would try to preserve his soul in peace. 
 
 As I do not know whether there was really any Ebenezer 
 Pirn connected with the firm, I am unable to say whether 
 Mr. Fogarty' s reply was opened at the large house in 
 George's Street, or sent to the dead letter office ; and I 
 regret that one of the curiosities of literature should accord- 
 ingly be lost to the world. I presume that when Fogarty 
 found that even one of "the great Pirns " waxed careless 
 about his affairs, and declined to correspond with him 
 further, he gave me up as a hopeless job. At all events I 
 heard nothing more about him. 
 
 vol. K 
 
130 Jack Westropp. 
 
 I practised such unusual economy with the twenty-five 
 guineas thus strangely acquired that, though I paid some 
 small pressing house bills, and had three glorious nights 
 with boon companions besides, the money actually lasted 
 me ten days. I did something, too, to eke out my small 
 salary as a reporter, receiving three guineas a month for 
 grinding in classics a wealthy and idle youth who purposed 
 entering Trinity College in the following October. If I 
 undertook to teach this pupil much that I did not know 
 myself, I made amends by instructing him in many things 
 that were not included in the bargain at all. Thus, after 
 a little playful trifling over Homer and Horace, with more 
 curious and novel renderings of abstruse passages than 
 either Bentley or Dacier could supply, we would gradually 
 diverge into anecdote, song, a game of backgammon, or a 
 glass of punch ; by which means the spirits were cheered as 
 well as the mind enlightened. On the whole, I found bear- 
 leading — or perhaps I should say, donkey-driving — an agree- 
 able occupation, and I am bound to say my guineas were 
 easily earned ; — but, alas ! they were very easily spent, too. 
 While matters were in this condition, and I was struggling 
 to keep my head above water, I was walking one day past 
 the Caucasus Hotel in Stephen's Green, when a window of 
 that building was thrown open, and I heard my name 
 called by the voice of an old friend, whom I immediately 
 joined, and whom it is necessary for me to introduce in due 
 form to the reader. 
 
 The Hon. Reginald Edmondsbury Austin, only son of Lord 
 
Jack Westropp. 131 
 
 Lofthouse, was member for a western Irish county by the 
 good grace of Mr. O'Connell. In character and condition 
 Austin and I resembled each other not a little. We were 
 both in a chronic state of bankruptcy. We both had a keen 
 relish for the good things of life, and necessity had frequently 
 spurred us both to singular feats of strategy. He had not, 
 indeed, my special gifts, either of speech or invention, but 
 we had much in common, alike in our defects and our 
 virtues — of which latter, it is true, modesty has prevented 
 me from giving many proofs in my own case, but to which an 
 autobiographer may gracefully do jusiice in that of his friend. 
 In person Austin was a well-built man of about thirty, with 
 patrician features, clear gray eyes, aquiline nose, and a mouth 
 indicative at once of latent humour and a keen relish for the 
 good things of life. I knew by experience that he cherished 
 a sincere friendship for. me, and there was no man living 
 whom I could more profitably consult in any emergency. 
 
 " Hallo ! old fellow," I cried, " I'm delighted to see you. 
 I had no idea you were in town." 
 
 " I am here nearly a week, but up to my eyes in business 
 — business of the greatest importance to myself. But before 
 I say a word about it, you must tell me how things are going 
 with you." 
 
 " Badly enough, in all conscience. I never knew 
 patriotism at such a discount. A man does not clear his 
 expenses now by serving his country." 
 
 " Ah yes," said he. " The game is up." 
 
 " The worst of it is," said I, " the capitalists have grown 
 
 K 2 
 
132 Jack Westropp. 
 
 confoundedly suspicious. We have certainly fallen upon an 
 unbelieving generation. Dick Ferguson won't touch me 
 with a pair of tongs ; and as for Tom — But where's the 
 use of talking of my woes ? " 
 
 " Not the slightest. Well, Jack, you have often stood to 
 me when I was in low water, and I have a little medicine 
 here that I think will be good for your complaint j " — saying 
 which he produced a well-filled purse, and immediately 
 handed me twenty pounds. 
 
 " Now that I have retained counsel, I must state the case," 
 said he, turning a deaf ear to my thanks. " The fact is, I 
 am going to be a rich man at last — by marriage ; — and I'm 
 afraid I can hardly ask you to congratulate me." 
 
 1 ' You are very mysterious. Married ? — And not ask me 
 to congratulate you ? — and to a rich woman ? " 
 
 " To ' The Caucasus ' herself! " 
 
 "The what?" 
 
 "That's what she is sometimes called. I mean Miss 
 Jane Broadhurst, sole proprietor of this great hotel, ' The 
 Caucasus .' " 
 
 I started, and, to tell the truth, did not feel inclined to 
 congratulate him. I had heard of this Miss Broadhurst as 
 a very ignorant, vulgar, good-natured woman, enormously 
 rich and enormously fat. 
 
 " Oh ! " — and I coughed dubiously. 
 
 l( You have heard of Miss Broadhurst, I suppose ? " 
 
 " Well, yes, slightly ; the merest rumours. Tendency to 
 embonpoint, I believe ? " 
 
Jack Westropp. 133 
 
 " I see you want to spare my feelings," said he, laughing, 
 " but you may use plain English, for I'll soon have to grow 
 callous about it. Yes — it might certainly tire a tortoise to 
 go round her ; — but what of that ? She has a heart of gold 
 — and mountains of gold in other ways, too. Why, man, she 
 owns houses in several of our leading streets and squares." 
 
 " And it is to this lady you will be saying, one of these 
 days, ' With all my worldly goods I thee endow ' ? " 
 
 11 Yes — by goods of course meaning debts. But see here, 
 Jack — she fixes four thousand a year on me by a marriage 
 settlement, and that's not a bad placebo for a few slight 
 weaknesses in grammar, my boy." 
 
 " Well, to tell the honest truth, Austin, if you had called 
 me in to consult me about venturing on such a marriage, 
 I should not have recommended it ; but I suppose it's too 
 late to recede now." 
 
 " Certainly." 
 
 I looked very grave, and I felt that there was something 
 bitter even in the assumed mirthfulness with which Austin 
 seemed to treat this all important subject. When the great 
 jokes of life are brought home to us, they are often found to 
 be serious matters enough. The constant presence and 
 society of a woman like my mother, absurd though I might 
 consider her notions, had unconsciously made me much 
 more fastidious than I was aware of. To spoil an Egyptian 
 like Philip Fogarty, of course, was one thing ; to marry a 
 vulgar hotel-keeper, weighing thirty stone, was something 
 very different. As an abstract question, I had always con- 
 
134 J a & Westropp. 
 
 sidered a rich marriage as the highest object of a needy 
 gentleman's ambition, recognizing with Sir Antony Abso- 
 lute that " if you get the estate, you must take it, with the 
 live stock on it, as it stands." But now I had secretly to 
 admit that even a wife of boundless wealth, good temper 
 and character, and devoted affection, may be bought too 
 dear. 
 
 " Does Lord Lofthouse know his future daughter-in-law ? " 
 I asked after a pause. 
 
 " Oh no. He is living in the south of France, you know, 
 and in shaky health. He complains that I have drained 
 him to the uttermost, and refused point-blank to honour my 
 last application, so you see I am literally driven to take this 
 step. And I must tell you, Miss Broadhurst's kindness 
 knows no bounds. She has got me out of many a scrape 
 oefore. I have a couple of hundred pounds about me this 
 moment, all drawn from the one source." 
 
 " Very generous, indeed. And when does the marriage 
 take place ? " 
 
 " Next Tuesday." 
 
 While I was plunged in reflection on these singular tidings, 
 and feeling that Austin mentioned these proofs of Miss 
 Broadhurst's liberality quite as much to reconcile himself to 
 the great step he was taking as to satisfy me, I heard a tap 
 at the door, which was the prelude to the entrance of the 
 very fattest female whom I have ever had the pleasure of 
 seeing. Swathed in light-coloured silk, puffed out to the 
 absurd extent wherewith the perverse ingenuity of the sex 
 
Jack Westropp, 1 35 
 
 so often delights in violating symmetry for the sake of effect, 
 she might fairly boast that her latitude equalled her longi- 
 tude. My first glimpse of this terrestrial globe reminded 
 me of a visit T had paid to Donnybrook Fair in my boyhood, 
 when for the small charge of a penny I had been permitted 
 to see " the largest and loveliest lady in the world " ex- 
 hibiting in a booth. 
 
 My critical taste admitted that, had Miss Broadhurst's 
 head been fixed upon another neck and shoulders, she 
 might have fairly passed for a handsome woman. How 
 often do we hear women praised as " handsome," who have 
 not a spark of expression ! Miss Broadhurst was certainly 
 as devoid of expression as need be. She had large and fine 
 though sleepy eyes, a well-shaped nose, glossy brown hair, 
 smooth cheeks, and a good complexion. So far all was well 
 enough ; but it was in the lower part of her face that the 
 animal broke out unmistakably. Her mouth was wide, and 
 her lips thick, while double chins of great volume melted 
 into a neck so short as to suggest serious apprehensions of 
 her " going off" suddenly. 
 
 ft Miss Broadhurst — my old friend, Mr. Westropp." 
 
 I made a profound bow, and the mountain tottered to its 
 base in return. 
 
 " I am delighted to meet you, sir. Isn't it your name 
 as I see so often in the papers, speechifyin', and that ? " 
 
 " Very likely." 
 
 "That's so nice. I'm proud to know a party like you, 
 Mr. Westropp." 
 
136 Jack Westropp. 
 
 I shuddered to think what would be the consequences of 
 an introduction of the future Lady Lofthouse to my mother. 
 Meanwhile the tragi-comic expression of Austin's face was 
 indescribable, and I could imagine him writhing under his 
 forced smile. 
 
 " You flatter me, Miss Broadhurst," I replied. " I have 
 certainly worked as hard as I could for my country — and 
 suffered for her, too ; but let that pass. I believe I have 
 to congratulate you on an approaching interesting event," I 
 added in my most dulcet tones. 
 
 " Oh, you gents are such quizzes," she simpered, with the 
 artless smile of an overfed baby. " And so dear Redgy told 
 you he is going to make me an honourable lady ? Won't it 
 be grand to belong to the aristocracy? For my part, Mr. 
 Westropp, I'd rather have blood than anything ! " 
 
 " Yes," said I, somewhat puzzled by this sanguinary 
 remark. " After all, Miss Broadhurst, there's nothing like 
 the real thing." 
 
 II Quite so, sir — the real thing, as you say. It will be a 
 great change both for him and me. The poor dear fellow " 
 (smiling lovingly on him, and gently stroking him on the 
 back) " was so lonesome for want of a companion ; " — and 
 she might have added that he had selected — though in a 
 very different sense from that applied to Dr. Johnson — " a 
 tremendous companion." 
 
 11 Yes," said I, still puzzled, and afraid of committing 
 myself in some way, " there's nothing like matrimony. We 
 men, you know, are so sadly in want of ballast." 
 
Jack Westropp. 137 
 
 The phrase certainly was not a felicitous one, considering 
 the extensive dimensions of "The Caucasus," and it had 
 scarcely passed my lips when I anxiously wished it recalled ; 
 but fortunately it was taken in the best possible part. She 
 continued — 
 
 " You are too good, Mr. Westropp ; thanks very much 
 for the compliment." 
 
 u Don't mention it, I beg." 
 
 11 1 am just going out for a carnage airing, and to make 
 a few purchases. But I hope you'll kindly weave cere- 
 mony, and pick a bit with Redgy and I at six o'clock, 
 Only ourselves teetateet." 
 
 " I shall be most happy." And, favouring me with a 
 sweet smile, and a cordial shake of the hand, she vanished. 
 
 " Well, Jack, what do you think of her ? " 
 
 " I like her very much — very much, indeed. But why, 
 oh ! why are you going to marry her ? " 
 
 Alas ! the answer was the one which I myself have so 
 often to give for my manifold shortcomings — a man must 
 live. 
 
 I hurried through some business about town, and 
 punctually at six o'clock entered Miss Broadhurst's mag- 
 nificent dining-room. That lady's sense of good breeding 
 made her apologize profusely for inviting me to such 
 " plain fare "; but as we had a banquet of seven courses, 
 including all the delicacies of the season, I felt that no 
 apologies were necessary on this score. She frequently 
 
138 Jack Westropp. 
 
 complimented me on my powers of clever " spouting," by 
 which image she designed a reference to my oratorical 
 abilities, and she was shocked to hear that an ungrateful 
 country had not done more for me, whereupon Austin slily 
 suggested that the courses I was following would yet 
 probably raise me to an elevated position. Miss Broad- 
 hurst had " the pleasure of wine " with both of us, and 
 during dessert she had the pleasure of brandy too, more 
 than once. At last she upheaved her vastness, and 
 transferred herself to a sofa, earnestly begging meanwhile 
 that I should consider this as Liberty Hall, and should 
 make myself perfectly at home. During the next five 
 minutes her " smile was childlike and bland," as of one 
 entertaining optimistic views on things in general, but it 
 was evident that all attempts to maintain any coherent 
 conversation were embarrassing to her overtaxed energies. 
 Then the very semblance of an attempt soon ceased, and a 
 certain deep breathing — call it not a snore — intimated that 
 sleep had overtaken this oleaginous mass of adipose 
 humanity. 
 
 " How long is this likely to last ? " I asked Austin. 
 
 "About a couple of hours. She is an early riser, and 
 gets tired after dinner." 
 
 " Then let us have a stroll." 
 
 We lighted our cigars, and plunged forthwith into the 
 interior recesses of Stephen's Green, then a dingy, close 
 borough, sacred for the most part to nursery maids and 
 their infant charges. 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 CONCERNING " THE NOOSE," AND OTHER GRAVE 
 MATTERS. 
 
 During our stroll in the Green, Austin lamented the 
 depressed state of my affairs, and suggested that there was 
 no course open to me but to follow the excellent example 
 he had set me, and marry " well." 
 
 " I know a lively widow in Leeson Street," said he, 
 " with a hundred thousand pounds, who would jump at a 
 lively young fellow like you. She is not much above sixty, 
 and with the exception of a slight lameness, I am not aware 
 of any blemish in her." 
 
 " I am very much obliged to you," said I, " and the 
 prospect is certainly tempting, but unfortunately I am an 
 engaged man already." 
 
 " Engaged ? — nonsense ! To an heiress, I hope ? " 
 
 u To a charming girl, without a penny." 
 
 " Why, this is midsummer madness. I thought to do 
 you a service, but I see you are determined to cut your own 
 throat." 
 
 " And yet," I continued musingly, and feeling strangely 
 
140 Jack Westropp. 
 
 agitated, " I don't exactly know whether I am an engaged 
 man or not. In the first place, my lovely girl has seriously 
 injured her thumb." 
 
 " Pshaw ! Do you think you could wriggle out of a 
 promise to marry because the lady's thumb was sprained ? " 
 
 " Certainly not ; nothing could be more ridiculous. But 
 I was going to say, she lives in Miltown Malbay, and she has 
 not yet been able — even if she was willing — to answer any 
 of my love- letters." 
 
 "Phfew!" — He indulged in a low whistle, bent his 
 brows, and, evidently interested, begged me to give him 
 the particulars of this singular case, which I accordingly 
 did without the slighest reservation. 
 
 " I see how it is," said he, snapping his fingers. " She 
 cares about that much for you." 
 
 My atnour propre was deeply wounded at this sug- 
 gestion. "Think," I said, "of our last day together — of 
 her melting tones — of her languishing glances of her 
 heavenly — " 
 
 " All of which she would have equally ready to ensnare 
 any other dupe. No, no ; — nothing can be clearer. She 
 thought she was catching a rising man, and quickly found 
 her mistake. If she was spooney like you, she'd have gone 
 to see you in the Marshalsea, if it was hell's gate. You 
 say yourself you have no proof that her thumb is so bad ; 
 and if it is, what is to prevent her sending special messages 
 of love by her mother ? " 
 
 " Oh, girls don't like to do that." 
 
Jack Westropp. 14 1 
 
 u Nonsense ! Why, many a girl in the same situation 
 would write to you with her left hand. Nay, there is a 
 clever lady exhibiting now, who manages to write with her 
 toes." 
 
 "That is all very well, and to tell the truth, I have 
 thought as much myself; but even if she does not care a 
 pin about me, the family will be sure to bring an action if 
 I ever marry an heiress." 
 
 " No fear of that. As a lady, she will naturally shrink 
 from publicity, and of course you must be prepared to 
 stump down pretty handsomely for a compromise. But 
 I suppose you are not afraid to face a jury, if it should 
 come to that ? " 
 
 " I would much rather not. You see, I have written her 
 sheets of the most outrageous twaddle. My last letter 
 ended, ' Ever, Charley Darley, your own own Jacksy 
 Wacksy.' Now, imagine what the Tory papers would give 
 to get hold of that ! " 
 
 " I certainly think, whatever your oratory may be worth, 
 you'll scarcely shine as a poet, — judging by the specimen. 
 Well, it's a comfort at all events that ' the looker-on sees 
 more of the game than he that plays.' Let us see what's to 
 be done." 
 
 He remained silent for a couple of minutes, 
 
 " His cogitative faculties immersed 
 In cogibundity of cogitation," — 
 
 and then said — 
 
 " Jack, it will never do to let this girl play fast and loose 
 
142 Jack Westropp. 
 
 with you. You must not lose a moment in ascertaining if 
 she still considers her engagement binding. Write to her 
 mother to-night, and demand an immediate answer." 
 
 He was manifestly right. Visions of love and ecstasy 
 were all very well, but then the reciprocity must not 
 be all on the one side. He took out his pocket-book, and 
 slowly dictated a very cautious letter for me to write to 
 Mrs. De Lacy, referring to my engagement with her 
 daughter, and my late impressioned communications to her, 
 wondering that I had never received any answer to them, 
 asking if Charlotte still considered that engagement sacred, 
 and candidly regretting that my poverty was such that it 
 must be years before I could think of offering her a 
 home. 
 
 On returning to Baggot Street that night, after partaking 
 of a gorgeous supper with Miss Broadhurst and her 
 " Redgy," I wrote the momentous letter, with a few slight 
 alterations, and committed it with a beating heart to the 
 post. Reason told me that the course I was adopting must 
 sound the death-knell of my frantic passion. Under the 
 influence of a strange glamour I had cherished for Charlotte 
 De Lacy a love amounting to infatuation, and I had thought 
 that love must be returned — simply because she had said it 
 was. Now, it was my stern task to tear myself loose from 
 bonds that I should never have suffered to enthral me. Of 
 course it was all for the best ; and yet, with the usual 
 contrariety of all things human, the image of Charlotte 
 rose, as if reproachingly, before my mind's eye pallid, 
 
Jack Westropp. H3 
 
 spiritual, more lovely and more loving than ever ; — and as 
 fancy recalled the delicious hours we had spent together, I 
 felt myself well-nigh driven to desperation. But Austin 
 had opened my eyes. There must be no more yielding to 
 weakness. I had myself, and my mother and sister, to look 
 to. It was perfectly manifest that Charlotte did not care 
 for me. Yes, I could see that now ; but how if she were to 
 simulate a passion that she did not feel ? Was not a woman 
 who had acted as she had done capable of such deceit ? 
 Horrible thought ! How if, secretly laughing at me all the 
 while, she were to bind me to the life-long engagement, from 
 which I had left myself no loop-hole of escape? These 
 and other equally distracting considerations kept crowding 
 on my brain, and almost completely robbed me of sleep. 
 
 There are times when some odd expression, or the air of 
 some song, will keep continually ringing in our ears, and 
 returning to us hour after hour, despite all our exertions to 
 get rid of it ; — and such a strangely haunting effect had the 
 expressive word " noose " on me that night. " The noose ! " 
 I could not shake it off. If my thoughts turned on the 
 news of the day, I found that " news " and u noose " sounded 
 just alike ; — if I devised some ingenious ruse for obtaining 
 a loan from the Jews, I unconsciously invoked the Muse, and 
 Jews and Muse and ruse all rhymed to " noose ; " — if I 
 imagined myself listening to O'Connell, while in his place 
 in Parliament he inveighed against some oppressive bill, just 
 as I fancied I heard the victorious shouts of our party, 
 "the noes have it," the noes melted imperceptibly into 
 
i 44 Jack Westropp. 
 
 the " noose " — the noose, perhaps, would have me ! No, 
 no, sleep was out of the question. 
 
 During the whole of the next day, Friday, I did not see 
 my worthy friend Austin. He had arranged to call on me 
 early on Saturday, to learn if I had any news from Miitown 
 Malbay, and had cautioned me against informing the ladies 
 of my family of his strange 'matrimonial engagement, until 
 he should be actually buckled to Behemoth. 
 
 On Saturday morning the terrible double knock of the 
 postman made me totter, sickly and shivering, to the door. 
 He handed me a letter from Mrs. De Lacy, which I opened 
 with a trembling hand. A hurried glance at its contents 
 reassured me, and I heaved a deep sigh of relief, as I found 
 that I was politely " declined with thanks." The vague and 
 remote prospect of starvation in a cottage had evidently no 
 attraction for Charlotte or her relatives. Could I wonder 
 at it ? However justly vexed at her long silence, could I 
 blame her for her final and definite refusal, seeing that I 
 had appeared a highly prosperous man during our court- 
 ship ? And yet I did blame her severely, even while 
 exulting in my recovered freedom. I pronounced her a 
 heartless jilt, who was ready enough to 
 
 "sail with me 
 On the smooth surface of a summer sea, 
 But would desert the ship, and seek the shore, 
 When the winds whistle and the tempests roar." 
 
 As for my warm-hearted sister Kate, there were no bounds 
 to her indignation, though of course both she and my 
 mother heartily congratulated me on my escape. With the 
 
Jack Westropp. M5 
 
 charitable feelings usually displayed by ladies in judging 
 the conduct of their own sex, they imputed Charlotte's 
 protracted silence to her watching to see whether my pros- 
 pects as a public man should appear likely to revive. The 
 reader may have an opportunity later on of forming a more 
 accurate estimate of her motives. 
 
 While we were deep in discussion on this matter a cab 
 drove up to our door, and I retired to my own room to 
 receive Austin, towards whom my sentiments of gratitude 
 for rescuing me from such a false position were unbounded. 
 I was surprised and pained to find him ghastly pale, and 
 evidently in a state of the greatest anguish. He flung him- 
 self on a chair, and gasping out " All is over ! " buried his 
 head in his hands. 
 
 " What is the matter ? What has gone wrong ? " I in- 
 quired, much alarmed. " Miss Broadhurst is not ill, I hope?" 
 " She was found dead in her bed this morning," he 
 faintly ejaculated. 
 
 Though by no means surprised — my observation having 
 made me consider such an event probable enough at any 
 moment — I was filled with horror at the sudden death of 
 one who had so lately treated me with cordial hospitality, 
 and I expressed my warmest sympathy with Austin in his 
 disappointment. Of course when rich people die there is 
 always much curiosity felt as to the disposal of their pro- 
 perties, and I took the earliest decent opportunity of 
 expressing a hope that Miss Broadhurst had remembered 
 him substantially in her will. 
 
 vol. i. L 
 
1^6 Jack Westropp. 
 
 " Unfortunately she has made none," said he, becoming 
 more collected ; " if she had, I know she would have left 
 me everything; — she told me so herself. But indolence 
 had been creeping on her very much of late, and she kept 
 putting it off from day to day, and said it would do very 
 well after our marriage." 
 
 " My poor fellow ! — And are you no way benefited by 
 her death ? " 
 
 " Not the slightest. Those wretched settlements, that 
 were to have made me a rich man, are all a mockery, and I 
 have not a claim to a penny of her money." 
 
 This was not a very brilliant wind-up to a fortune-hunting 
 speculation that had promised such great results. Poor 
 Jane Broadhurst was to be interred on the following 
 Tuesday — the very day that had been fixed on for her 
 marriage — and immediately after the sad ceremony Austin 
 was to start for Cannes to see, and endeavour to become 
 reconciled with, his father, who appeared from bulletins in 
 the daily papers to be fast sinking. He expressed much 
 satisfaction on hearing from me that the course he had 
 suggested in my own case had so promptly proved effectual, 
 and that I was " off" with Miss De Lacy. Before he left 
 my house I took the opportunity of introducing him to my 
 mother and Kate, with whom he had a few minutes' conver- 
 sation, but he was so agitated — owing, as they naturally 
 thought, solely to anxiety about his father's position — 
 that he could do but scant justice to his conversational 
 powers. 
 
Jack Westropp. 147 
 
 When I was alone, and reflected calmly on the situation, 
 I saw clearly how deeply I was indebted to apparent mis- 
 fortune. Those two bailiffs, who had transported me to 
 the enchanted castle at Thomas Street, had proved bene- 
 factors in disguise, and a temporary change of air and scene, 
 which had made me so miserable for a while, had rescued 
 me from the life-long thraldom of " the noose." Deeply, 
 too, as I sympathized with my friend Austin in his sorrow, 
 and much as I admired the really genuine affection he had 
 felt for his female-Falstafflan fiancee, I could not but own 
 that he also had had a most fortunate escape. He had to 
 face poverty, it is true, but at what a price would he have 
 purchased wealth ! " It is delightful/' says the Roman 
 satirist, u to be pointed at with the finger, and to hear it 
 said, ' That is he ! ' " Perhaps so ; — but how if the index 
 should add,. " And that is she, too ! " Surely a woman who 
 is large enough for two ought in all conscience to remain 
 single ; but however that might be, Jane Broadhurst, despite 
 her kindness and her amiability, had neither the manners 
 nor the education befitting the wife of a man of rank, or, as 
 she herself had expressed it, " an honourable lady." Now, 
 Austin and I were both free — I from a lovely, heartless, 
 penniless siren — he from an absurd, ignorant, devotedly 
 attached millionaire, who had broken the records of obesity. 
 The world of beauty, and perhaps of heiresses, was before 
 us j and ' l there was as good fish in the sea as ever was 
 caught," even though the fish should not prove, in Hamlet's 
 words, " very like a whale." 
 
 l 2 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 IN WHICH I AM PRESENTED WITH A WHITE ELEPHANT. 
 
 Nothing further worth commemorating happened to me till 
 one morning in September, when to my great surprise I was 
 honoured by a visit from Daniel O'Connell. I warmly 
 greeted my illustrious chief, who had been just restored to 
 liberty by a successful appeal to the House of Lords. 
 Wondering very much what could have made him for the 
 first time cross my threshold, I said — 
 
 " Oh, dear sir, it is so good of you to call on me ! And 
 so they have really let you out at last ? " 
 
 " Yes, my boy, and small thanks to them. The law was 
 too strong for my enemies, and Lord Denman had to con- 
 fess that such a trial by jury as mine was ' a mockery, a 
 delusion, and a snare.' You are almost the first man I have 
 called on since I achieved my emancipation." 
 
 " And I esteem it the highest of honours," said I, still 
 wondering what was coming. " I feel like the French 
 soldiers in hospital, when Napoleon visited them to give 
 them their medicines with his own hand." I was perfectly 
 sincere in this statement, and I am convinced, indeed, that, 
 
Jack Westropp. 149 
 
 not excepting Napoleon himself, there never was a man who 
 elicited feelings of more enthusiastic devotion among his 
 followers than O'Connell. 
 
 " Thanks, my dear boy. Oh, we shall fight them yet. 
 We shal] yet make Ireland a nation ! — But I want to talk to 
 you on business. I have called to know will you give me 
 the benefit of your eloquence in Parliament ? " 
 
 I started. " Will I pay the national debt, had not you 
 better ask ? I fear it will be as easy for me to do the one 
 thing as the other." 
 
 " There it is — youth is always so foolish. Don't you 
 know I have the representation of most of Ireland in my 
 pocket still ? " 
 
 " I know that well, sir, and you will have it all your 
 lifetime ; but a newspaper reporter — " 
 
 " Oh, of course you must give that up." 
 
 " And without a penny." 
 
 "There are pence, and pounds too, still to be had in 
 Ireland, by working for them. And if you have no money, 
 you know, so much the more reason that you should be 
 made free from arrest for debt." Here he winked his 
 wonderful wink, and leered that indescribable leer which 
 would be worth three thousand a year to any comic actor 
 who could faithfully reproduce it. 
 
 " I am delighted to find," said I, " that imprisonment 
 and sorrow have not banished your old fun. Yes, we can't 
 wonder at members of Parliament advancing their own 
 interests, like other people. As a Parliament of lawyers* 
 
150 Jack Westropp. 
 
 they make the law unintelligible to the people, though 
 every one is ' supposed,' under heavy penalties, to know 
 it ; — as a Parliament of landholders they give the claims 
 of house and land precedence of all others ; — and as many 
 of them are hopelessly insolvent, they secure the whole 
 body from arrest for debt. It is all highly natural." 
 
 " Bravo, Westropp ! — there is the right ring in these sen- 
 tences. I knew you would improve ; I always said it. 
 Just take my advice, and never mix your metaphors — at 
 least out of Tipperary and Connemara ; and if you drop 
 them altogether in Parliament, so much the better. The 
 English are a dull race, and don't understand our high 
 nights." 
 
 "And you yourself, sir," I ventured to observe, with 
 some diffidence, for I knew it was not always safe to 
 gambol with the lion, " have not you resorted largely to 
 metaphor ? " 
 
 u Oh, yes — occasionally ; but I always knew what I was 
 about. Try and know always what you are about. It is of 
 the first importance." 
 
 " I shall endeavour, at all events. And now pray tell me 
 what constituency is to be honoured by having me for its 
 representative ? " 
 
 " Gulgreina — population three thousand — voters a hun- 
 dred and sixty. I'll take care of the qualification question. 
 The nomination is fixed for next week. You have only to 
 go down there pro forma, and be returned. Oh, it will be 
 a thousand pities if they ever disfranchise Gulgreina ! — Tom 
 
Jack Westropp. 1 5 1 
 
 Steele 1 will be in waiting to introduce you to the priests, 
 and have the tar-barrels lighted. You compared me just 
 now to Napoleon, — and Tom must do to represent the Old 
 Guard." And again he winked the wonderful wink, and 
 leered the indescribable leer. 
 
 The great agitator pressed my hand, and departed. On 
 recalling that interview, I have often felt saddened to think 
 that he died in less than three years, after having lived to 
 see his beloved land devastated by one of the most tremen- 
 dous calamities on record. During the dialogue I have 
 described, there was not the slightest trace of any dark 
 foreboding about him. He was fresh, buoyant, hopeful, 
 vigorous as ever. He had only remained some five minutes 
 with me, and yet in that brief time how thoroughly business- 
 like he had been — what words of sage counsel he had 
 spoken — what gleams of his old exuberant humour had 
 shone forth ! That his glowing hope of making u Ireland a 
 nation" communicated itself to me I will not exactly say. 
 There are points on which your Boswells are often wiser 
 than their Johnsons. The prospect, however, which he had 
 held out to a man in my obscure position certainly justified 
 me in cherishing some dazzling day-dreams. To become a 
 member of Parliament in my twenty-seventh year was in 
 
 1 This was a tall, eccentric, but highly respected Protestant gentleman 
 of good family and education, who loved O'Connell with enthusiastic 
 devotion, constantly waited upon him, and had made gieat sacrifices 
 in his cause. He always wore a sort of military undress, and presented 
 a very striking appearance. 
 
152 Jack Westropp. 
 
 the highest degree gratifying both to my ambition and my 
 vanity. Commonplace, hardworking members of my own 
 profession, who had sneered at or pitied me for not moving 
 in their harness, might now regard me with respect, nay 
 envy ; Charlotte De Lacy might repent that she had jilted 
 a man with such a career before him ; and — last, not 
 least — I might snap my fingers at all the bailiffs in creation. 
 Cool reflection, of course, whispered that my elevated 
 social position must prove a source of no slight embarrass- 
 ment, and that Mr. O'Connell's well-meant kindness had 
 presented me with a white elephant. I had enumerated to 
 that great man some of the peculiar advantages which our 
 members of Parliament had conferred on themselves ; but, 
 alas ! they had omitted the most important of all — they had 
 not awarded themselves any salary ! Great numbers, of 
 course, did not need any. I did ; and I sympathized 
 strongly with my fellow-countryman, who, in advertising 
 for a situation, mentioned that " work was not so much an 
 object as wages." What was I to live on when I resigned 
 my employments both as a reporter and a tutor? On air? 
 On my wits ? On fresh Fogartys ? Awful as had been 
 the warning against fortune-hunting which Reginald Austin 
 had received, must I not take his advice, and go in for the 
 lame old widow with a hundred thousand pounds whom he 
 had recommended to me ? I had often heard of " the irony 
 of fate." I wonder was she ever so intensely ironical with 
 any one as with Jack Westropp ! 
 Surprises seldom come alone. I had passed a long time 
 
Jack Westropp. 153 
 
 in that dull uniformity which I have always found so 
 depressing to my spirits, when the monotony of my existence 
 was broken by this visit from my great political chief. 
 That very evening I had just returned home after my day's 
 toils, and was plunged in a thousand wild reveries, 
 consequent on the vision of fairyland which had been 
 opened to me, when another visitor was announced. This 
 was my friend Austin, attired in deep mourning, and once 
 more the bearer of fatal tidings. He brought the first news 
 of the melancholy event which, while making him an 
 orphan, conferred on him the title and estates of Lord 
 Lofthouse. 
 
 On joining our family circle, he gave us a brief sketch of 
 his recent proceedings. Owing to that great bone of 
 contention, money, there had for some time been a marked 
 coolness between himself and the late peer. Fortunately 
 he had arrived in Cannes, in time not only to receive the 
 paternal blessing and forgiveness, but to be a help and 
 comfort to his father, who lived longer than was expected, 
 though in much pain, and in a very querulous condition. 
 When I told him of the prospects held out to me by Mr. 
 O'Connell, he expressed great surprise, and while warmly 
 congratulating me, said that it rested altogether with 
 myself to turn those prospects to good account. How easy 
 he must have considered it for me to evolve an income out 
 of the depth of my own consciousness ! 
 
 11 We were just going to tea," said my mother. " Will 
 your lordship kindly join us ? 
 
154 Jack Westropp. 
 
 He at once accepted the invitation, and seemed quite at 
 home. A cup of tea in a quiet family group like ours was 
 most welcome, as he said, after his long tossing about 
 among hotels and club-houses, both in London and on 
 the Continent. 
 
 I suppose it was my early struggles with the difficulties of 
 a false position that have made me such a realist through 
 life ; but I have never been able to understand the 
 lord-worship so prevalent in the British Isles, which has 
 survived even the assaults of a Thackeray. " Your 
 lordship " — " your excellency " — " your grace " — " your 
 royal highness " — what tiresome, unmeaning absurdities are 
 these to address to poor humanity ! How stupidly do they 
 fall upon the ear of any man who has learned to think ! 
 Women, however — at least, women from the west of 
 Ireland — are never democrats. The gilding on the ginger. 
 bread of life is always gold to them ; and Kate, assiduously 
 instructed as she had been by her mother in the endless 
 ramifications of a County Clare pedigree, evidently looked 
 with something like veneration on the present representative 
 of nobility. I observe these follies, without commenting 
 on them. I could not, however, suppress a grin as I heard 
 Kate addressing " his lordship " with an air of solemnity 
 very unusual to her. Lofthouse noticed my sardonic 
 expression, and burst out laughing. 
 
 "You must excuse me," said he, "but I feel this new 
 title pinching me like a tightly fitting coat. I suppose I 
 shall get used to it, but for mercy's sake spare me to-night." 
 
Jack Westropp. 155 
 
 " And what are we to call you ? " 
 
 " Anything you like. You are friends, and among friends 
 
 I am plain Reginald." 
 
 "I object to the adjective," remarked Kate, archly, 
 
 II and would not like you to apply it even to myself." 
 
 ft There is certainly no occasion, Miss Westropp," he 
 said with an admiring smile. 
 
 "You are scarcely consistent," said I. " How do you 
 reconcile it with your notions of liberty, fraternity, and 
 equality to call Kate * Miss Westropp/ when you want to be 
 ' plain Reginald ' yourself? " 
 
 " I should be most happy to carry my levelling principles 
 to any reasonable length ; but you know, Jack, you have 
 often told us we don't live in a land of liberty." 
 
 This sort of badinage was all very well for a few moments, 
 and it had the fortunate effect of thoroughly banishing all 
 formality ; but something must be done to amuse so great a 
 gun for the night, — and what was there for it but a pack of 
 cards ? We accordingly rushed into a game of whist with 
 the most deplorable infatuation ; — revoked, forgot the 
 previous leads, trumped our partners' best cards, and 
 otherwise committed outrages sufficient to raise the ghost 
 of the immortal Hoyle. What better could he expected, 
 when we all talked at random in a game which by its very 
 name is specially consecrated to silence ? 
 
 "Your lordship will doubtless find your new position a 
 serious charge," my mother ventured to suggest. 
 
 " Very, ma'am ; — I played the deuce by mistake." 
 
156 Jack Westropp. 
 
 " I declare I have no honour left." 
 
 " You don't say so ? " 
 
 "O'Connell told me this morning that — " 
 
 " Jack must be out of clubs." 
 
 " Is it possible — The Knave ! " 
 
 " And now you have ruffed my heart," said Kate to her 
 noble partner. 
 
 " But we have won the odd trick. — Does any one re- 
 member what was trumps ? " 
 
 Nobody did, nor was it of the slightest importance. 
 Every one had been thinking of something else. If the 
 perturbed spirit of Hoyle were to walk every night that his 
 incomparable game is murdered, I fear, alas! it would 
 never be laid. 
 
 After two games of incessant blundering, this mockery 
 of amusement was put an end to. Lofthouse protested he 
 had passed a delightful evening, and said he must do him- 
 self the pleasure of calling next day. I was sorely puzzled 
 to divine in what his entertainment had consisted, but of 
 course there was no accounting for tastes. 
 
 Before departing, we retired into my study for a few 
 minutes' private conversation, in which, as if by a tacit 
 mutual understanding, no reference was made to the dear 
 departed Jane. 
 
 " The old story, I suppose, Jack ? — out at elbow ? " 
 
 " Shockingly ; — and now false appearances are to be added 
 to my other woes. Here I am, going to battle in Parliament 
 for an oppressed land, and I believe my huckster's clerk 
 could buy and sell me." 
 
Jack Westropp. 1 57 
 
 " And the worst of it is," said Lofthouse, " I have none 
 of ■ the ready ' myself. But as far as my signature goes I 
 won't see you floored, and I think it ought to be worth 
 something at last. Have you a blank bill of exchange about 
 you ? " 
 
 11 My dear fellow, I should as soon think of being with- 
 out a corkscrew. I consider it the real ' Young Man's 
 best Companion,' " 
 
 He promptly endorsed a bill for a hundred pounds, 
 saying that his pecuniary affairs would for some time be in 
 a state of chaos, between his personal debts and the 
 encumbrances on the estate, and that his law agent might 
 as well have this trifle to settle along with his other 
 liabilities. He would not listen to my expression of 
 thanks. 
 
 " I don't see," said he, " how the dignity of the legisla- 
 ture is to be maintained. Here am I, a new acquisition to 
 the House of Lords, and you to the Commons, and it 
 seems a toss-up whether the peer or the commoner has the 
 emptier pockets. For the present, at all events, we must 
 both live on imagination." 
 
 " Most slender diet," said I — 
 
 • For who can hold a fire in his hand 
 By thinking on the frosty Caucasus ? ' " 
 
 " ' Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me ! ' " 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT. 
 
 Lord Lofthouse's signature proved more efficacious in 
 Usuryland than I had ventured to hope, and a well-known 
 discounter, after carefully satisfying himself of its genuine- 
 ness, and communicating with the new peer's solicitor, 
 handed me seventy-five pounds on the bill for a hundred, 
 drawn at two months' date. However the future might go, 
 therefore, this was a great present relief. 
 
 I found Gulgreina a miserable hole, consisting mainly of 
 one tolerable business street, a collection of scattered mud 
 hovels, and some waste land that justified the old rhyme — 
 
 " Country ? — God bless you ! There's nought to be seen 
 But an ass on the common, and goose on the green." 
 
 It had the good sense, however, to return me as its 
 representative without any difficulty ; and for the rest, 
 it was to be hoped that, when the Union was repealed, even 
 Gulgreina would share in the progressive tendencies of the 
 age. How, as I asked my new constituents in a vehement 
 harangue of two hours length, could we be expected to be 
 clean, and sober, and industrious, when we were trampled 
 
Jack Westropp. 159 
 
 under the hoof of foreign domination, and the wrongs of 
 centuries had still to be avenged ? I elicited tremendous 
 cheers at the close of my peroration, by expressing a con- 
 fident belief that "our Saxon oppressors would yet shake 
 in their shoes amidst their guilty triumphs, when they 
 learn what it is to wrap themselves in the mantle of an 
 invincible idiosyncrasy, and to shut out the last glimmer of 
 sunshine from the howling abyss of a Violated Ark and a 
 Ruined Constitution ! " 
 
 I have always held that the quality of oratory should be 
 regulated very much by the capacity of one's hearers. It 
 depends largely upon the degrees of latitude and 
 longitude \ — and it may be observed that I had by no 
 means ventured on such bold flights as the foregoing in 
 my unfortunate address at the Rotunda. 
 
 I perceived that my newly acquired privilege of freedom 
 from arrest for debt must carry with it certain disadvantages 
 by putting men of capital on their guard against me, 
 at the very time that I should be most likely to require their 
 aid. Fortunately, however, mysterious pickings such as 
 had fallen to my lot last year were still available, though 
 by no means in such abundance. As Mr. O'Connell had 
 said to me, " There are pence, and pounds too, still to be 
 had in Ireland by working for them." Next month, too, the 
 annual "Tribute Sunday" was to be held, when from 
 every Catholic chapel in Ireland the pence, and shillings, 
 and pounds of a grateful people were to swell into a mighty 
 torrent, averaging at least fifteen thousand pounds, for the 
 
160 Jack Westropp. 
 
 benefit of the great leader who had delivered them from 
 bondage. Heretic though I was, I was a member, so to 
 speak, of the O'Connell cabinet, and I knew that as long 
 as a high tide rolled in upon the Liberator, his faithful 
 lieutenants would not be left in low water. I felt easy in 
 my mind, therefore, lived on the best, dressed as befitted 
 one signing himself M.P., and whistled at care ; while as for 
 my mother, her gracious and condescending bearing towards 
 society, after our sudden exaltation, was beyond all praise. 
 
 I must now proceed to narrate a singular incident, 
 arising out of my attainment of senatorial honours. A week 
 after my unopposed election, a few Repeal friends celebrated 
 the event by entertaining me at a sumptuous dinner at the 
 Gresham Hotel. When I say that we toasted each other 
 over and over again during the evening, interchanging the 
 most fulsome adulation, flourishing vocal and imaginary 
 green flags, and banishing the Saxon rule from Ireland as 
 effectually as it could be banished by noisy speeches and 
 hard drinking, I have told perhaps quite enough about our 
 festivities. 
 
 At one or two o'clock next morning we found ourselves 
 perambulating — or, to speak with more literal correctness, 
 circumambulating— the public thoroughfares, in our home- 
 ward course. Patriotism itself, alas ! must get to bed 
 some time or other, and accordingly — 
 
 " We worked with sinuosities along, 
 
 Like Monsieur Corkscrew worming through a cork, 
 
 Not straight, like Corkscrew's proxy, stiff Don Prong, a fork." 
 
Jack Westropp. 161 
 
 I have some faint recollection of kicking my hat before me 
 as energetically as if it were an oppressor of my country, 
 and laughing immoderately at the assault, although I failed 
 to see the joke next day. One of my fellow-revellers who 
 lived in Clare Street offered me a share of his bed, and I 
 had reason before many hours to regret having declined 
 his Samaritan proposal. 
 
 At length I reached Lower Baggot Street, having prob- 
 ably performed the extraordinary feat of walking seven miles 
 between it and the Gresham. As I stopped before a house — 
 evidently my own — I hushed the uproarious hilarity that had 
 been bursting forth in snatches of " The Harp that once," or 
 declamatory appeals to " Hereditary Bondsmen," and re- 
 flected with wonderful wisdom and deep consideration that 
 people here were fast asleep, and it was not for me, who 
 had been enjoying a glorious night, to disturb my wearied 
 mother and sister. Yes, I was the most thoughtful of 
 men. I was amused at the notion that I was in good 
 spirits, and that good spirits were in me, and laughed 
 heartily at the conceit, but with a silent inward chuckle, 
 something after the manner of Hawk-eye. Caution marked 
 my guarded way. This must be the hall door of the famous 
 member for Gulgreina's house. As for the number — hang 
 numbers ! — numbers were made for slaves, policemen, car- 
 drivers, financiers, astronomers, ha ! ha ! ha ! — why should I 
 bother myself about numbers ? The question was, would 
 my latch-key open the hall door ? If it succeeded in doing 
 so, why the house must be mine. Q.E.D. Inwardly 
 
 VOL. I. M 
 
1 62 Jack Westropp. 
 
 marvelling at the intuitive mastery of logic by which I had 
 made even a latch-key instrumental to carrying out a pro- 
 longed train of reasoning, I gained admission to the house, 
 and, feeling as proud of my feat as Wellington may have 
 done after the storming of Badajoz, I kicked off my boots 
 and stole silently upstairs. 
 
 I opened a door — shut it again, cautiously as a burglar — 
 groped noiselessly about — found another door, which I also 
 opened — wondered what had brought it there, and whether 
 my having taken some punch enabled me to feel double — 
 and was strongly disposed to burst into a vehement oration 
 on the absurdity of doors in general. That impulse yielded 
 to the more pressing one of procuring needful rest, and, 
 wriggling out of my clothes, I flung myself on a bed, having 
 previously muttered something which charity might con- 
 strue into a prayer. 
 
 The autumn sun was shining brightly as I awoke from a 
 delightful, but delusive, dream of seeing Ireland once more 
 restored to her ancient glories. Tormented with thirst, I 
 sprang from bed to rush to the water-croft. Horror Of 
 horrors, where was I ? This was not my room — and, worse 
 still, it was not any room in my house ! No ; — it was a 
 small back apartment, looking out on a yard, whereas mine 
 was a large and lofty bedroom, facing the street. The 
 position was most tormenting. I looked at my watch, and 
 found it was half-past seven. The servants must be up ; 
 and there was nothing for it but to creep noiselessly down- 
 stairs, frankly explain my dilemma to any one I might 
 
Jack Westropp. 163 
 
 chance to meet, regain my boots in the hall, and get home 
 as quietly as I could. Thus meditating, I gently turned 
 the handle of the door, when to my unspeakable dismay I 
 found myself in a larger bedroom — and a tenanted one ! I 
 looked to see on whose privacy I had intruded, and imagine 
 my consternation when I found that the sole occupant 
 of the bed was a female, and that female Mary Anne 
 Twycross, nee Munkittrick. 
 
 What was the agony of mere pecuniary embarrassments, 
 or imprisonment itself, compared with such a situation as 
 this? I remembered having heard Kate say that the 
 Twycrosses had come to live near us in Baggot Street, but 
 we were not on visiting terms, and my acquaintanceship 
 was limited to a slight salute when we met, so that I had 
 taken no interest whatever in the news of their becoming 
 our neighbours. The question that puzzled me now was, 
 why was Mrs. Twycross sleeping alone ? Could any cold- 
 ness have arisen between her and her husband ? Could he 
 be down in the country on a shooting party ? Or could he 
 have been suddenly ordered to some foreign station ? In 
 any event, and wherever he was, 1 was clearly in the wrong 
 place ; and if a servant had observed me stealing quietly 
 out of the room, my conduct would naturally be subjected 
 to injurious misconstructions. In this tormenting dilemma 
 I could think of no resource but awakening Mary Anne, 
 informing her candidly of the manner in which I had come 
 there, and consulting with her as to how I was to escape 
 without making a scene. I drew, therefore, close to the 
 
 m 2 
 
\ 64 Jack We strop p. 
 
 bed, and coughed gently, as I was afraid of being heard by 
 any one outside. 
 
 She still slept on. Oh, moment of agony ! What would 
 I not have given to be safe in my own house ! I coughed 
 again, and somewhat louder, but still in vain, and at last, 
 finding all gentler means unavailing, I was driven to the 
 desperate expedient of giving the sleeping beauty a shake. 
 This summary process had some effect. She turned lazily 
 round, ejaculating — " Is that you, Henry dear?" She was 
 evidently annoyed at the interruption of her slumber, and 
 very much disposed to fall off again, but I was determined 
 she should not. 
 
 "No, Mrs. Twycross, it is I — your old friend, Mr. 
 Westropp." 
 
 Had Imogen suddenly awakened while Iachimo was busy 
 furnishing himself with materials to win his monstrous 
 wager with her husband, she could not have been more 
 astounded than was Mrs. Twycross. She was so over- 
 whelmed that she could barely ejaculate in a thrilling tone, 
 " What! " Then, half sitting up in bed, and rubbing her 
 eyts, she endeavoured to convince herself whether this 
 strange nightmare had any foundation in fact. 
 
 11 Yes — it is I — I myself. No doubt you are surprised 
 and shocked — but just listen to me for a moment." 
 
 A piercing scream was her sole response, as the whole 
 enormity of the situation began to dawn upon her aroused 
 faculties. 
 
 " For heaven's sake, be quiet. We shall be interrupted. 
 Let me explain." 
 
Jack Westropp. 165 
 
 She screamed again, and more violently than before. 
 
 " Oh, this is too bad ! Have you no regard for 
 appearances? The simple fact is, I was dining out last 
 night—' 
 
 u Help, help !— Eliza !— Mary ! I shall be ruined." 
 
 " And I got into the wrong house. It was all an 
 accident, upon my honour." 
 
 " Oh, be off out of this, or there will be murder ! " 
 
 I felt, indeed, that the best thing I could do was to brave 
 all consequences and withdraw, having such an unreason- 
 able woman to deal with, and I made straightway for the 
 door. Before I could reach it, however, it was opened 
 from the outside by the two female servants, attracted by 
 the wild cries of their mistress. They rushed in, and while 
 one of them stared at me with an expression of blank 
 horror, the other, who was gifted with more courage and 
 presence of mind, put an effectual detainer on me by 
 laying hold of my coat-tails. 
 
 " Oh, girls, I am so delighted you've come," cried Mrs. 
 Twycross. '* 1 thought I should have died of the fright." 
 
 My blood was up now, and I resolved on a precipitate 
 retreat, since reason would not be listened to, and the 
 dignified demeanour which I assumed was wholly dis- 
 regarded ; but retreat was a thing more easily meditated 
 than effected. The attacking party immediately received 
 a strong reinforcement in the person of John Thomas, who 
 came running upstairs, eagerly demanding what was the 
 matter. 
 
 " Oh, come in quick — it's a man — a gentleman— in the 
 
1 66 Jack Westropp. 
 
 mistress's very room," cried the less valorous of my 
 assailants. " I never saw such a thing in my life." 
 
 •' Oh, collar him, John ! — oh, take him away out of 
 this ! " shrieked Mrs. Twycross. 
 
 John obeyed orders by seizing me somewhat roughly by 
 the collar of my coat. It was a desperate moment, but 
 though surrounded by superior numbers, severed from all 
 communications, and alarmed about ulterior consequences, 
 the native spirit of the Westropps promptly asserted itself. 
 
 (l Let me go, you ruffian ! " I exclaimed angrily. Do 
 you know, sir, that I am the member for Gulgreina ? " 
 
 11 Begorra, sir, if you were l Dan ' himself, you have no 
 business here. Do you know how he managed to get in, 
 ma'am ? " And he cast a scrutinizing glance towards the 
 chimney, as if he thought it possible I might have ventured 
 down that dark descent. 
 
 I struggled violently, but in vain. The scene was 
 equally ridiculous and distressing. Was I really doomed to 
 be hauled off, and perhaps carried to a station-house for a 
 trifling "mistake of the night," to my explanation of which 
 no one would listen ? I remonstrated most energetically 
 against this gross aggression on the liberty of the subject, 
 and threatened legal proceedings, but as we all five talked 
 incessantly together, my words could not be heard amidst 
 the deafening din. 
 
 And now the enemy received a most formidable auxiliary 
 in the person of their natural commander. It appeared 
 that the absence of Captain Twycross was simply owing to 
 
Jack Westropp. 167 
 
 that gentleman's habits of early rising. He had gone for a 
 constitutional stroll in the suburbs, and was returning with 
 a keen appetite to breakfast. Admitting himself quietly, 
 even as I had done, by a latch-key, he slipped upstairs, 
 little suspecting the extraordinary scene in store for 
 him. 
 
 "What is the matter? — What is all this fuss about? — 
 What brings this gentleman here ? M he inquired, as he found 
 me in the grasp of the three menials in the lobby of the 
 bedroom. 
 
 " He was in the mistress's room, sir — oh, it's a dreadful 
 piece of business ! " Then all three began vociferating their 
 respective versions of a story so likely to prove agreeable to 
 the listener, while I, in all the consciousness of injured 
 innocence, loudly demanded to be heard in my own 
 defence. 
 
 The Captain's brow grew black, and he stamped furiously, 
 as he roared in a voice of thunder — " Silence, you set of 
 fools ! And you, sir, please follow me to the drawing- 
 room." 
 
 I willingly complied. 
 
 " And now, sir," said he, as he closed the door after us, 
 u let me ask you one or two questions. I have the honour 
 of speaking to Mr. Westropp ? " 
 
 " That is my name." 
 
 "Ha! I thought I had met you before on a memorable 
 occasion. You were formerly a — a suitor of my wife ? " 
 
 "A suitor? Oh, I know. Surely you're not going to 
 
1 68 Jack Westropp. 
 
 rake up what happened once, when I was light-headed after 
 a brain-fever ? "" 
 
 " Light-headed ? Oh, yes ! — But I will be patient. Go 
 on!" 
 
 " I am glad to find you are disposed to listen to reason. 
 Will you let me just explain the whole mystery ? " 
 
 "With pleasure;" and unlocking a drawer, he took out 
 a brace of pistols, and laid them with a very solemn and 
 menacing air on the table. 
 
 "I got in here simply by a latch-key! It is really the 
 most ridiculous thing in the world." 
 
 " Oh, I have no doubt it strikes you in that light," he 
 replied sneeringly, and pointing to the pistols ; " quite a 
 capital joke, in fact." 
 
 "Faith, I should have thought so, if it were not my own 
 case." 
 
 "How, sir? Do you mean to brazen it out? Do you 
 think the happiness of families is to be recklessly trifled 
 with in this manner ? " 
 
 " I believe you are determined to drive me mad. What 
 in the world has the happiness of families to do with my 
 taking too much punch last night ? " 
 
 " Everything, sir ! Everything, when you come like a 
 thief in the night — " 
 
 " To the wrong house." 
 
 " Yes, sir, and the wrong room, too. You did not go to 
 the servant's room — or the parlour. Once for all, do you 
 mean to justify your conduct ? " 
 
Jack Westropp. 169 
 
 11 So far from that, I regret it deeply. I respect your 
 feelings as the husband of that excellent lady, and I admit 
 the situation was most peculiar — " 
 
 " Peculiar ! " 
 
 Painfully so j and I am not at all surprised at your 
 suspecting me of some sinister design — " 
 
 " Oh, you are really too good." 
 
 " But if hall doors and latch-keys are made so much alike, 
 is there anything wonderful in a tipsy man mistaking one 
 house in the street for another, in the dead of night ? " 
 
 The captain looked very hard at me, but could read 
 nothing deceitful in my ingenuous countenance. A cloud 
 seemed to roll from his mind as he said — " Is that really 
 the case, Mr. Westropp ? " 
 
 " Most certainly." 
 
 " A mere mistake of one house for another — two latch- 
 keys made just alike — begad, that's as good a thing as ever 
 I heard ! " and he burst into an immoderate roar of laughter, 
 to the no small wonder and disgust of the three servants, 
 whose ears were cocked at the keyhole, watching no doubt 
 with sanguinary eagerness for disastrous results. 
 
 Explanations followed. The captain, who was a very 
 decent fellow after all, and free from all unreasonable 
 jealousy, was much amused at my description of the passage 
 I had made through his bedroom in the dark, and of my 
 consternation when I found myself there in my sober senses. 
 He admitted that he himself was largely to blame, for having 
 neglected to bolt his hall door before retiring for the night. 
 
i;o Jack Westropp. 
 
 u I owe you an apology, Mr. Westropp," said he, " and I 
 hope we shall be friends as well as neighbours from this out. 
 You must stop to breakfast with me." 
 
 " Willingly. After all, it was not a bad scene, and no 
 harm was done to anyone." 
 
 " As for that lazy wife of mine, it was a charity to rouse 
 her. If she persists in her late rising, I'll have to threaten 
 you on her." 
 
 " All right, captain. The early bird catches the worm, 
 you know, and I have caught the breakfast. A couple of 
 minutes ago I thought it would have been a leaden one in 
 the Park : but cedant arma toga" 
 
 " You relish the exchange— hey ? " 
 
 " Very much indeed. Your bullets are rather hard-boiled 
 eggs for my digestion ; — so come along." 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 CHASING A MYTH, AND CATCHING A TARTAR. 
 
 My intimancy with Mrs. Twycross, the Mary Anne 
 Munkittrick of my early visions and speculations, was cer- 
 tainly renewed in a sufficiently strange manner ; and it had 
 the pleasing and unexpected result of leading to a friendship 
 between that lady and my mother and Kate. My mother's 
 strong prejudices against Munkittrickism had vanished 
 under the influence of Mary Anne's alliance with a military 
 man of good position ; and the womankind of both houses 
 soon became on visiting terms. Mrs. Twycross was a 
 woman of much common sense, and when the shock I had 
 so unintentionally given her passed away, she laughed at 
 the whole transaction, and apologized for the violent 
 language she had used to me, so that we became better 
 friends than ever from that time forth. A chance reference, 
 indeed, to the strange scene which I have described would 
 sometimes put her to the blush ; and of course it was 
 difficult for her and me to preserve the due amount of 
 decorous gravity in the presence of servants who had wit- 
 nessed that scene, and whose comments on it must have 
 
172 Jack Westropp. 
 
 been frequent and lively. To the captain himself it was a 
 constant source of merriment. On one occasion he referred 
 to it at a dinner-party, in his own house, and requested me, as 
 knowing more of the matter, to describe the whole incident, 
 which I accordingly did, with embellishments. A brother 
 barrister observed that I was a proof of the virtues ascribed 
 by Father Prout to the man who kisses the Blarney stone — 
 
 " Oh, 'tis he can clamber 
 To a lady's chamber, 
 Or be a Member 
 Of Parliament. " 
 
 Though poor Mrs. Tvvy cross was overwhelmed with 
 confusion, she joined heartily in the general laughter, 
 which, after all, was much more at my expense than at 
 hers. 
 
 Hitherto I had been thrown too much among wild and 
 volatile companions, and now the influence on me of a man 
 of Twycross's shrewd practical character, so widely differing 
 from theirs, was considerable. That influence largely, 
 though unconsciously, aided me in entering on the duties of 
 a member of Parliament, who had already acquired some 
 reputation — some notoriety, at all events — and from whom 
 a good deal was expected. And had I been fortunate 
 enough at this period to obtain even a moderate fixed 
 income, I have no doubt I should have kept clear of many 
 of those follies and extravagances which it will be my 
 subsequent duty, as a truth-telling historian, to record. 
 
 On a wild stormy day towards the close of October 
 
Jack Westropp. 173 
 
 Twycross and I took return tickets for Kingstown, where he 
 had a brief visit to pay, arranging to dine together at his 
 house in the evening. We had intended to ramble over 
 Dalkey Hill, but the agitated state of the sea at Kingstown 
 itself proved more attractive, and we walked slowly to the 
 end of the east pier. I have always been strongly moved 
 by the sight of nature in her grandeur or her fuiy, and now, 
 as I watched the heaving and unrest of the troubled sea, 
 convulsed after many days of storm, the oratorical instinct 
 awoke, and I felt that I should have liked to deliver an 
 harangue to the billows, if Twycross had only been kind 
 enough to retire for an hour or so. He was made of much 
 less emotional stuff, and he was contented to smoke the 
 cigar of peace, and stroll silently along with his hands in 
 his great-coat pockets, while I gazed with intense interest 
 on the tossings of the wrathful element. A ship that had 
 evidently suffered much during the recent gales was making 
 for the harbour. To an eye so inexperienced in nautical 
 matters as mine her task seemed almost hopeless. Ever 
 and anon, after making some steady progress, a giant wave 
 would sweep upon her deck, she would pitch heavily, and 
 emerge slowly from the mass of seething foam ; and once 
 or twice, in the agony of my apprehension, as she staggered 
 in the fierce embrace of the deep, I cried out, " Oh, Twycross, 
 she is lost!" "All right," was the only comment vouch- 
 safed by my phlegmatic companion ; and on my endeavour- 
 ing to rouse him from his apathy, and suggesting that we 
 should hurry to the town to procure the assistance of a life- 
 
174 J ac k Westropp. 
 
 boat, he quietly replied that it was blowing " half a capful," 
 but there was no need for alarm. Half a capful ! — then God 
 save me from a whole one ! was my natural reflection. 
 But my older and more travelled friend, who had doubled 
 Cape Horn, and was familiar with the Bay of Biscay, was 
 correct ; and in a very short time, which nevertheless 
 seemed to my anxious sympathies cruelly prolonged, the 
 gallant little ship steered into harbour. On looking at our 
 watches we found that it was time to return, and proceeded 
 to tear ourselves away from a scene which had a strangely 
 powerful attraction for me. 
 
 Leaving behind us the convulsed waste of waters, we re- 
 paired to the railway station, and took our places in a 
 carriage in which there was no one but an old bank 
 director, whom Twycross happened to know. The bell had 
 rung, and the engine was panting and bellowing in the 
 agony of its haste to be off, when I noticed a young lady 
 running along the platform. Another second, and she must 
 have been late, but fortunately I was just able to assist her 
 into the carriage, the haste she had exerted calling up 
 into her cheeks a glow which made her radiant with beauty. 
 She smilingly thanked me for " the helping hospitable hand," 
 and we fell at once into easy conversation, which was 
 quite uninterrupted, as Twycross and the bank director 
 plunged rapidly into the engrossing subjects of consols and 
 politics. I talked of favourite preachers, and found she 
 was a co-religionist ; — of poets, and found 4 we agreed in 
 admiring those of the robust, intelligible, anti-spasmodic 
 
Jack Westropp. 175 
 
 school, so unpopular at the present day ; — of the tumultuous 
 sensations with which I had just watched the terror and 
 majesty of the sea, and found she was an enthusiastic lover 
 of the sublimity of nature ; — of the gaieties and frivolities 
 of fashion, and found that she despised them. I felt as if I 
 had known her all my lifetime, and her clear silvery voice 
 was thrilling me with a new and inexpressible charm, 
 when alas ! alas ! the train reached the terminus, in West- 
 land Row. We must part ; — were we never to meet again ? 
 I was about to introduce myself " by name and surname," 
 as Peter Peebles hath it, and to request to be allowed the 
 honour of calling on her, when an elderly lady pounced upon 
 her, and carried away this lovely vision. 
 
 Ah, woe is me ! and was she to be only a vision ? Here 
 had I stupidly suffered the invaluable moments to glide by, 
 and in half an hour's conversation had made no attempt 
 to ascertain my fellow-traveller's name, address, position 
 in life, or anything else concerning her. " Come like 
 shadows, so depart." I was moody and vexed with myself 
 for my neglect on these points, and galled with the quiet 
 irony with which Twy cross congratulated me in our 
 homeward walk on the new " conquest " I had made. 
 Conquest ! — of what ? of a moonbeam ; for it seemed un- 
 likely that I should ever find anything more substantial 
 in this beautiful and fascinating girl. 
 
 I have mentioned elsewhere that I had never been what 
 is called "a lady's man"; — a fact which, paradoxical 
 though it seems, may account for the infatuation which 
 
176 Jack Westropp. 
 
 now seized me, as well as for the facility with which I had 
 been ensnared by the charms of Charlotte De Lacy. Your 
 lady killers are naturally so much engrossed by the contem- 
 plation of their own perfections, that it is no wonder if they 
 render only the mockery of verbal homage to those whom 
 they most profess to admire. 
 
 The reader may easily imagine the rapture with which, 
 after my pillow was haunted for the two following nights 
 with visions of vanishing loveliness, I received the follow- 
 ing billet ; — 
 
 "If Mr. Westropp can make it convenient to call at No. 
 — , Blessington Street, at half-past five on Thursday evening, 
 the lady with whom he conversed in the train will feel 
 much pleasure in renewing the acquaintanceship." 
 
 My first impulse on receiving this communication was to 
 jump with joy, and walk wildly about my bedroom, 
 flourishing the dear letter on high in triumph. My next 
 feeling was one of surprise at my name and address being 
 known to my correspondent ; — but then I was a public man, 
 and was daily astonished at proofs of my notoriety in the 
 most unexpected quarters. But what did she want to con- 
 verse with me about? While my sentiments were only 
 those of love and admiration, might she not be desirous of 
 turning my senatorial position to account? — of getting me 
 to sign a. memorial, or present a petition, or subscribe to a 
 charity, or intercede on behalf of a criminal ? — anything, no 
 matter what trouble or expense it entailed, anything in my 
 power to accomplish was at her service, provided only she 
 
Jack Westropp. 177 
 
 smiled upon me. And then I began to pronounce myself 
 dreadfully " spooney ; " — and then came the dark thought, 
 was there not a shade of indelicate forwardness in her 
 addressing me at all ? Perish the thought ! I stigmatized 
 myself as a ruffian for entertaining it for a moment. And 
 then came wild reveries and puzzling speculations as to who 
 she could be, and all reveries and all speculations ended in 
 a vague, but powerful and absorbing, feeling that I was 
 about to become the happiest of men. 
 
 Next day I read the paper — which had only reference to 
 an unknown young lady in Blessington Street, — and 
 delivered a terrific oration, breathing hate and defiance to 
 " the Saxon," at the very time that I was thinking of nothing 
 but love, — and dined at three o'clock on a solitary steak, 
 feeling that I could welcome tt a stake at Smithfield or a 
 chop at Tower Hill," if it led to my becoming a martyr in the 
 cause— not of Erin, but of a beautiful girl, name unknown. 
 The shades of night were falling fast, as through the streets 
 of Dublin passed a youth dressed in the height of the fashion, 
 and literally walking on air. Not to my mother, to Kate, 
 to the Twycrosses, nor to any other living soul did I breathe 
 a word of that mysterious assignation. 
 
 Please observe, gentle reader, what fools the tender pas* 
 sion makes of me, of thee \ It was not till I had arrived at 
 the appointed house in Blessington Street, and was tugging 
 at the hall door as strenuously as though the knocker in my 
 hand were a Saxon premier denying justice to Ireland, that 
 I asked myself the very simple question, for whom was I to 
 
 vol. 1. N 
 
178 Jack Westropp. 
 
 inquire ? For whom ? — for the Woman in the Moon, if I 
 liked. And as I reflected that no person answering that 
 description could live there, my usual courage and presence 
 of mind completely deserted me, and I was vainly puzzling 
 myself as to what I should say, when an old woman answered 
 my summons, and met me with the very pleasing and 
 pertinent remark— " I suppose, sir, you're the gentleman 
 that was to have kem." 
 
 " Oh yes — certainly. I am the gentleman— all right." 
 
 What a jewel of an old woman was this, and what a world 
 of embarrassment she had saved me by her unconventional 
 abruptness ! 
 
 11 Step into the parlour, sir, and the mistress will be with 
 you in a minute." 
 
 I stepped into the parlour accordingly, and took a chair. 
 It was a comfortable room, with a fire burning brightly, but 
 no other light. "The mistress will be with you in a 
 minute." Rapturous thought ! Who in the world could 
 she be ? I had hunted up Thorn's directory for her house 
 (the number of which, for obvious reasons, I suppress), but 
 it was marked " vacant." Almost a year, however, had 
 elapsed since the book was printed, and anybody, from 
 Jenny Lind to the Queen of the Sandwich Islands, might 
 be living there. What should I say to her ? — or rather, 
 what should I not say ? I fell into a delicious reverie, from 
 which I was roused by a merry little girl, five or six years 
 old, who ran into the room, and immediately sprang upon 
 my knee. 
 
Jack Westropp. 179 
 
 " And so you're the gentleman that was to come ? " 
 
 " Oh yes, dear— I am the gentleman. And how did you 
 find that out ? " 
 
 " Mamma told me." 
 
 Mamma — what ! A married woman ! Surely my 
 ina?norata must be a maiden ? Oh, yes. This child's 
 mother might be a visitor of hers — or perhaps a sister. It 
 would be a shocking bore, nevertheless, if she intruded on 
 our conversation at such a time. 
 
 " And where's papa ? " 
 
 " Oh, papa's dead, don't you know?" 
 
 " Dead, poor fellow ! I am very sorry." The sapient 
 advice of Mr. Weller senior, to beware of u widders," 
 occurred to me ; — but surely my charming girl could not be 
 a widow ? 
 
 The door opened shortly afterwards, and a tall middle- 
 aged woman entered the room. I could not clearly discern 
 her features by the fitful light of the fire, but the first tones 
 of her voice were enough to show that she was not — what 1 
 wanted. 
 
 " Good evening, sir. You are the gentleman, I believe ? " 
 
 This was the third time of asking, and a third time did I 
 admit the important fact of my gentility. 
 
 " I hope you like the room." 
 
 " Oh, very much. When we are with those we 1 — we 
 admire — or even expect them, every room seems delightful." 
 
 11 Sir ! " — she exclaimed, with the tone of a woman who 
 felt it her duty to be offended, but who could not help 
 
 N 2 
 
i8o Jack Westropp. 
 
 being pleased. I began to fear that she appropriated to 
 herself my somewhat rash remark, uttered out of the very 
 fulness of my heart. She continued, however, in most 
 amiable mood, — 
 
 " But the drawing-room is much nicer. I'll show it to 
 you when Mary brings the candles." 
 
 "Pray don't trouble yourself. Lights are quite 
 unnecessary." 
 
 " I hope you don't object to children ? " 
 
 11 1 dote upon them." 
 
 " I am so happy — some gentlemen object to them so 
 much. You have not brought your trunk?" 
 
 " Oh, of course not. Why should I ? " 
 
 " Well, there's plenty of time. You will find your bed 
 well aired." 
 
 My bed well aired ! I was struck dumb. It was 
 impossible to vouchsafe any reply to such an astounding 
 announcement. 
 
 "I see you are rather particular about attendance." 
 
 " Certainly not. It is a matter which never gives me the 
 slightest concern." 
 
 " Indeed ! Then you must have been joking with me 
 about it." 
 
 "Joking with you, ma'am ! I am not aware I ever had 
 the pleasure of meeting you before." 
 
 " No ; but I thought from your note — " 
 
 " My note ! — what note ? " 
 
 "Your note to me, of course. You said there was 
 
Jack Westropp, 181 
 
 nothing you were so particular about as attendance ; but 
 you'll find Mary do her best, at all events." 
 
 " My dear ma'am, there must be some great mistake 
 here. One or other of us is certainly dreaming. I re- 
 turned no answer to the beautiful girl's letter, for the 
 simple reason that I don't know her name ; but here I am, 
 in obedience to her summons, burning with ardour to meet 
 her once more." 
 
 "Really, sir, I must object to this. I am not accus- 
 tomed to deal with gentlemen who — who go on this way — 
 hem ! " 
 
 "Ma'am?" 
 
 "You came here on a strictly business matter. Is it not 
 so?" 
 
 "Well, yes; in a certain sense I came here on business, 
 no doubt — business which I felt would be a pleasure." 
 
 " And then you begin talking of letters from a beautiful 
 girl." 
 
 " The sweetest I have ever met — a perfect angel ! " 
 
 " Do you mean to insult me, sir ? " 
 
 " I assure you I did not allude to you at all." 
 
 Strange to say, this prompt disclaimer only irritated 
 her the more. " Once for all, sir, what do you mean ? " 
 
 "Simply what I say. I have none but the most 
 honourable feelings towards the young lady. I was de- 
 lighted with her during our brief meeting, and when she 
 was kind enough to write to me — " 
 
 u This is intolerable. / am the only lady living here. 
 
1 82 Jack Westropp. 
 
 What has all this rubbish about angels and beautiful girls 
 to do with your answer to my advertisement ? " 
 
 " Your what? " In a moment the real state of the case 
 flashed across my mind, hitherto blinded and obscured by 
 the mists of my new passion. 
 
 "Yes, sir — my advertisement. Your answer was re- 
 spectful and proper, and what I am used to from my lodgers. 
 I did not think you'd begin with these low tricks, and I 
 make bold to tell you, sir — though I'm a lone woman — 
 they don't become you. It would take very little to make 
 me give you a bit of my mind, young man ! " 
 
 Her blood was up. Mine was curdled with horror and 
 disappointment. All my hopes were shattered at a blow. 
 
 "I see how it is, madam. I have been cruelly hoaxed. 
 But I need not trouble you with my private sorrows. May 
 your heart never know the pangs that — " 
 
 " Anything else, sir ? " 
 
 " Nothing but this — if ever a vision of loveliness — " 
 
 "Good-evening, sir;" — and as she moved frowningly 
 towards the door, her shadow, flung upon the wall, 
 loomed into awful and gigantic proportions. 
 
 " Farewell, madam — a word that must be, and — " 
 
 " This is your hat, sir." 
 
 " Thanks ;— if you had but felt—" 
 
 " And your cane." 
 
 " You are very good. Oh ! for one moment of — " 
 
 " Good-night ! " And she banged the hall-door furiously 
 behind me. 
 
Jack Westropp. 183 
 
 I was out in the street, dashed from the height of 
 airy felicity, and vaguely conscious that I must be a laugh- 
 ing stock to that ogress, who fortunately did not know my 
 name. But though the hoax practised on me was success- 
 ful, and I felt crushed and blighted under my disappoint- 
 ment, I could not repress a cynical laugh at my having 
 been mistaken for an unknown gentleman answering an 
 advertisement for lodgings. What a story Grimgruffina 
 must have had for the real lodger, when he made his 
 appearance ! I shrewdly suspected Mrs. Twycross of being 
 the perpetrator of this practical joke. The letter to me 
 was written in a delicate female hand. Of course it might 
 have been penned by any woman whom either Twycross or 
 his friend, the bank director, had informed of my engrossing 
 conversation with the unknown beauty in the train ; but, by 
 whomsoever written, it had answered the desired purpose of 
 deceiving me, and had led to a scene which may furnish 
 some amusement to an idle reader. I felt it due to my 
 own dignity to observe profound silence on the subject 
 with every one ; and I now tell the story for the first time, 
 in the hope that it may prove a warning to those senti- 
 mental young gentlemen who "love not wisely, but too 
 well " — if, indeed, there should be any such left in this 
 enlightened and calculating age. 
 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 IN WHICH A NOBLEMAN WITH SIXTEEN QUARTERS OBTAINS 
 A BETTER HALF. 
 
 Shortly after these transactions the bill for a hundred 
 pounds which Lord Lofthouse had endorsed for me fell 
 due ; and it did not find me as unprepared as the reader 
 might imagine. In my hopelessly insolvent days I had 
 always allowed my debts to take care of themselves ; — and 
 I found that to save a vast deal of trouble. My custom 
 was to keep staving off the evil day, and then trust to my 
 ingenuity to extricate me by some bold stroke when the 
 crisis should arrive. This course was not without a certain 
 wild charm. The system, however, of honestly paying one's 
 way was obviously more desirable — when it was possible ; 
 and he has read my memoirs to little purpose who has not 
 discerned that, at the worst of times, my personal predilec- 
 tions would have tended rather in favour of honesty ; — but 
 then honesty was such an expensive virtue! 
 
 I wrote to Lofthouse, then at his castle in Tipperary, 
 saying that I should renew the bill if he chose, but that I 
 had scraped up half the amount, and if he preferred 
 
Jack Westropp. 185 
 
 settling it as a debt of his own, and receiving fifty pounds 
 from me at once, I should thankfully reimburse him for 
 the balance at Christmas. He replied in very handsome 
 and friendly terms, saying that when I had borrowed the 
 money I had seemed in hopelessly low water, so that he had 
 directed his law agent, in arranging his own embarrassed 
 and complicated affairs, to throw it in as a bad debt, and 
 provide for its settlement out of the Lofthouse estate. 
 
 " I shall soon," he continued, " be worth eight thousand 
 a year clear, which is better than twelve thousand deeply 
 encumbered. For God's sake, try and avoid bill trans- 
 actions in future. There is nothing destroys a man like 
 them ; and don't give me any thanks for my conduct in 
 this matter, as I mean to trespass very much on your 
 hospitality ere long. 
 
 " And now, Jack, a word of advice on another matter 
 won't be taken in bad part from a fellow Repealer. Don't 
 you think it time to give up the hollow humbug of this 
 agitation ? The footlights are very well for a while ; but 
 we can't be always acting. Like yourself I have blustered 
 my share about ' the chains ' that have been riveted on us 
 for centuries ; but where in the world, let me ask, have men 
 such liberty as in the British Isles — or abuse it so much? " 
 
 To this important letter I replied promptly, thanking 
 him for his generous settlement of my debt, and expressing 
 the greatest pleasure it would give me to have him under 
 my roof. His advice about my political career drew from 
 me these remarks : — 
 
1 86 Jack Westropp. 
 
 " There is doubtless a good deal of truth in what you say 
 about the 'liberty ' enjoyed by Irishmen ; — but it is not the 
 whole truth. There is such a thing as the liberty to starve ; 
 and it has been freely conceded to Paddy by his rulers. 
 Property is always conservative. You don't see — don't 
 even suspect the difference between Lord Lofthouse with 
 his clear estate of eight thousand a year, and Reginald 
 Austin, M.P., living by his ways and means. You and I 
 are both right — and both wrong. We realize the old fable. 
 You are looking on the golden side of the shield, and I on 
 the silver. If, instead of being a nobleman, you were a poor 
 devil whose grandfather had been hanged or shot in '98, 
 how long, probably, would it take to reconcile you to the 
 institutions you live under ? No reasonable man can deny 
 that Ireland labours under tyrannous land laws* ecclesi- 
 astical supremacy, an unduly restricted franchise, a nig- 
 gardly distribution of the public funds as compared with 
 England — in short, a host of substantial wrongs, in addition 
 to her sentimental grievances. While these evils exist, 
 what course is left for a patriot but to follow the almost 
 despairing advice of our great leader, ' Agitate, agitate, 
 agitate ! ' As far as I am concerned, at all events, it is the 
 one profession for which nature and circumstances have 
 fitted me. ' 'Tis my vocation, Hal ; ' — and every man 
 must labour in his vocation." 
 
 As I wish to be perfectly candid with the reader, I may 
 confess that I wrote in this strain fully as much to satisfy 
 myself as my friend. I had lately contracted — as this very 
 
Jack Westropp. 187 
 
 letter will show — a habit of looking at both sides of the 
 question ; and such a habit is very inconvenient to a pro- 
 fessional agitator in Ireland. How far was I in earnest ? 
 Was I, after all, a true patriot ? Did I serve my country 
 only with a view to the loaves and fishes to be won by such 
 service ? And how much of my success must depend on 
 the life and health of a man now in his seventieth year, 
 worn by the incessant toils of half a century ? Questions 
 like these often troubled me not a little, whether on public 
 or private grounds, and on some of them I almost trembled 
 to think ; but when I had once thought them fairly out, 
 and embodied my views on paper in the above fashion, I 
 was satisfied that I had acted for the best in the circum- 
 stances of my singular position. 
 
 I was anxious, however, to know if I had satisfied 
 Lofthouse too ; and as a fortnight elapsed without my hear- 
 ing from him, I became apprehensive lest he had taken 
 offence at something in my letter. I was brooding over 
 this subject of annoyance as I returned home one night at 
 nine o'clock, after an agitating day (no pun intended) of 
 committee meetings, anti-Saxon orations, the reception of 
 national subscriptions — for we were not driven to depend 
 upon America in those halcyon times — and other labours 
 necessary for the regeneration of Ireland. Great, therefore, 
 was my delight and surprise to find Lofthouse in my 
 parlour, seated opposite the fire, and chatting away with my 
 mother and Kate, with all the familiarity of old friendship. 
 
 " I told you I should scon trespass on your hospitality," 
 
1 83 Jack Westropp. 
 
 said he, u and you see I am making myself quite at home. 
 I have not forgotten our famous game of whist. I vote for 
 another." 
 
 " You are certainly thankful for small mercies, but there 
 is no accounting for tastes. For my part, I have been 
 bellowing so much patriotism to-day that a silent game will 
 be very welcome to me." 
 
 "Silent? Why, there's nothing like whist to make 
 people talk." 
 
 Oh, shades of Mrs. Battle and Parson Dale, what a 
 heretic was here ! And yet experience showed me that he 
 was right, as far as the present company was concerned. 
 
 Kate was about to procure the cards, when the postman 
 knocked, and delivered a letter addressed to my mother 
 from one of her relatives in Miltown Malbay. Begging 
 Lord Lofthouse to excuse her, she opened it, and was 
 glancing listlessly over its contents, when something special 
 struck her eye. 
 
 " Oh, Jack ! " she cried, " who do you think is to be 
 married next week ? " 
 
 " Don't know — maybe Charlotte De Lacy." 
 
 " You have guessed it." 
 
 " What ! " 
 
 Lofthouse looked at me significantly for a moment, and 
 then burst out laughing, and I — though I felt a strange 
 qualm for a moment, and certain delicious scenes passed in 
 the Dargle and elsewhere rose tantalizingly before me — soon 
 joined in his mirth. 
 
Jack Westropp. 189 
 
 " Well, I congratulate her heartily," said I. "I never 
 supposed she would die an old maid. But who is the 
 happy man ? " 
 
 " That's just what I can't make out," replied my mother, 
 poring over the letter in a state of great anxiety. ° Dear 
 Florence does write such a cramped hand. But this seems 
 a most curious name. ' Can't — one — pull — tooth — out — ' " 
 
 " Nonsense," said I, " no name can look like that — not 
 even a dentist's. Just let me try my hand at it." 
 
 I took up the letter, and with the rapid glance of a 
 pressman solved the mystery at once. 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! After all, mother, you did not make such 
 a bad attempt. Only think — Miss De Lacy is to be 
 ennobled ! " 
 
 Ejaculations of amazement all round. 
 
 " Yes — she is going to marry the Count von Pultuthowski, 
 no less. I hope she is bettering her condition ; — she is 
 certainly not improving her name." 
 
 " Any name would be good enough for her," cried Kate, 
 highly indignant with her designing friend, who had made 
 another conquest with such indecent haste. 
 
 As we were all anxious for particulars, and my mother 
 was bewildered by her correspondent's cramped and crossed 
 handwriting, I was appointed interpreter of the mystic 
 hieroglyphics. I made a bold dash at translation, and 
 though occasionally floored by a hard word, the context 
 enabled me to gratify the curiosity of myself and 
 others. 
 
190 Jack Westropp. 
 
 It appeared that while Charlotte De Lacy had been at 
 school in Germany, she had attracted the admiration of 
 von Pultuthowski, a naturalized Polish count, with pale 
 complexion, long hair, empty pockets, and a fine tenor 
 voice, and who was supposed to subsist chiefly on music, 
 love, and a vegetable diet. By this young gentleman 
 Charlotte had been assiduously courted and serenaded, but 
 his penniless condition prevented the course of true love 
 from running smoothly, and after presenting her with some 
 locks of his hair and tunes on the guitar — all he had— dire 
 necessity compelled them to part in tears and anguish. 
 And of all this I, who had taken such a Lover's Leap last 
 summer, had never heard a single word. Oh, dissimulation ! 
 Jove is said to laugh at lovers' perfidies. We have seen 
 how Charlotte kept her vows, when she thought a rising 
 young fellow-countryman was to be secured by breaking 
 them. Poor Pultuthowski was more constant. The death 
 of his father left him unexpected master of what the corre- 
 spondent styled," I don't know how many thousands of 
 francs, but fully equal to two hundred and fifty pounds a 
 year of our money, which it appears is considered a 
 handsome fortune by some of the continental nobility ; " — 
 and the first use he made of his wealth was to penetrate to 
 the romantic west, and renew his vows of love to the wild 
 Irish girl. There was a destiny in it j and we cannot 
 wonder that such persevering devotion was about to be 
 crowned with success. 
 
 I ordered decanters, filled a glass of wine, and drank to 
 
Jack Westropp. 191 
 
 the health and prosperity of the Count and future Countess 
 von Pultuthowski. 
 
 "And I," said Lofthouse, u drink to the memory of a 
 certain fractured thumb, which prevented a young friend of 
 mine from making a fool of himself." 
 
 But Kate could not view the matter with such levity. 
 She was boiling over with indignation. 
 
 " I have no patience with such girls/' she said. 
 
 " And why not ? " asked Lofthouse. " Why should Miss 
 De Lacy refuse the offer of a coronet? Are they so plenti- 
 ful ? Or is a peerage to be considered a disadvantage ? " — 
 sinking his voice. 
 
 " Certainly not — quite the reverse ; but to think of her 
 making such love to Jack — and then — " 
 
 " Well, really, I thought it was Jack made love to her. 
 He told me so himself." 
 
 " A little of both," I interpolated. 
 
 " Oh, I don't know — of course I was not in her secret. 
 But her conduct was horrid — monstrous." 
 
 " That's the way the stories go. I fear you young ladies 
 are terribly severe on each other." 
 
 " Oh, of course ! " — with a toss of the head, denoting the 
 usual feminine readiness to cut up a character, and then 
 hold a coroner's inquest on it, and bring in a verdict of 
 " Guilty," with or without evidence. 
 
 But my mother's thoughts were running in a very 
 different direction. " It's a distinguished match for Char- 
 lotte," said she, looking thoughtfully at the fire. " He's 
 
1 92 Jack Westropp. 
 
 a Pole certainly ; outlandish, perhaps ; — and his income is 
 not very large." 
 
 "It will do well enough till the young 'owskies begin to 
 serenade them," remarked Lofthouse. 
 
 "But look at the respectability of the connection," said 
 my mother, with marked emphasis. " I daresay this 
 Pultuthowski can boast of sixteen quarters." 
 
 " I'd rather have the four quarters of an Irishman any 
 day," said I. 
 
 " And he must have excellent blood." 
 " Scarcely — if he has been reared on salads." 
 "Jack, don't be ridiculous. You know I was speaking 
 of blue blood." 
 
 " Very likely. Any I have ever seen was red." 
 " There is surely good blood among the Poles." 
 " Yes — among the Tilney Wellesley Long Poles, I 
 believe." 
 
 " I see I was right in asking for whist," said Lofthouse. 
 " As long as we talk about Miss De Lacy we shall only 
 fall into scandals — or misunderstandings, at all events." 
 
 The cards were produced, but they did not mend matters 
 much. We were all thinking of that Queen of Hearts 
 in Miltown Malbay, and of the long-haired vegetarian 
 vocalist, to whose supposed " sixteen quarters " my mother, 
 notwithstanding the paltriness of his income, attached 
 more importance than she would to a fortune of twenty 
 times the amount, joined to the name and family of 
 Munkittrick. 
 
Jack Westropp. 193 
 
 " Jack," said Lofthouse, as I was parting from him at the 
 hall door, after we had trifled over whist and supper for 
 two or three hours, " I have passed an uncommonly pleasant 
 night." 
 
 "I am delighted to hear it; but I should not have 
 thought it if you had not told me. I was afraid you found 
 us horribly dull." 
 
 " Dull ! How could I, in company with a girl of such 
 animation ? " 
 
 " Oh, Kate can be lively enough ; but don't you think 
 she bore too hard on poor Charlotte's amiable weak- 
 nesses ? " 
 
 "Yes, I daresay; but that's simply a proof of her own 
 constancy. I always like women to take a high tone." 
 
 " Well, we'll postpone everything — ' high, low, Jack and 
 the game ' — for to-night. Come and dine with us at six 
 to-morrow." 
 
 "With the greatest pleasure. I am beginning to hate 
 hotels. After all, there's nothing like the happiness of 
 domestic life." 
 
 "I'll ask a couple of decent fellows to meet you ; 
 Malachi Fitzsimon and — " 
 
 " Not a soul, not a soul. I shall be vexed and bored if 
 you do." 
 
 " What ! no one to help to keep us awake ? " 
 
 " My dear fellow, you may go to sleep, or to the theatre 
 if you like, as long as you leave me here behind you." 
 
 vol. 1. o 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 IN WHICH I RECEIVE A DEPUTATION OF STRONG-MINDED 
 FEMALES. 
 
 It does not need the exercise of any extraordinary sagacity 
 to discover that I was not the attraction by which Lord 
 Lofthouse was drawn so powerfully to my house. No ; the 
 centripetal force lay elsewhere, nor does it require a 
 Newton to account for a gentleman's principles of gravita- 
 tion in such circumstances. The reader, therefore, will be 
 no more surprised than myself to hear that, in a very few 
 days after the evening just sketched — on each of which 
 Lofthouse passed many hours under my roof — Kate 
 joyfully, tearfully, smilingly, blushingly informed me that 
 dear Reginald had proposed, and had been referred to my 
 mother and me. 
 
 Referred to me ! Need I say that such a reference in 
 such a case was the most ridiculous of farces? What 
 could I do but rejoice that, with my precarious income and 
 false position, my dear sister should not merely be rescued 
 from the dread of poverty, but at once ennobled and 
 enriched by the means dearest to every woman, marriage 
 
Jack Westropp. 195 
 
 with the object of her choice ? And as for Mrs. Westropp, 
 the bare idea of becoming mother to a titled lady so 
 overwhelmed her, that I verily believe she would have 
 gladly welcomed her noble son-in-law, though he were 
 old, toothless, characterless, brainless, and decrepid. Such 
 hideous sacrifices, alas ! are daily made in this great empire 
 of aristocracy and snobocracy — sacrifices even more 
 monstrous than that which Lofthouse himself had been on 
 the point of making, at the shrine of Jane Broadhurst's 
 wealth ; and certainly I had no reason to suppose that my 
 mother would act more wisely than her neighbours. 
 Thank God, in Kate's case there was little to fear. Habit 
 and circumstances had indeed made Lofthouse what is 
 usually (and somewhat vaguely) termed " a rake," for a 
 large part of his life ; but he was one of those rakes on 
 whom dissipation has left no abiding traces — to whom it 
 has been rather a source of torment and disgust than of 
 gratification — and who in their reformation justify the 
 proverb that they make the best of husbands. 
 
 The engagement soon crept into the papers. Dublin 
 society was agitated by an announcement in the Evening 
 Post, to the effect that a marriage was arranged between a 
 noble lord, lately orphaned, and the beautiful and interest- 
 ing sister of an eloquent member of Parliament, who had 
 distinguished himself in the cause of Repeal, though his 
 voice had not yet been heard within the walls of St. 
 Stephen's. This was tolerably plain speaking ; and to show 
 that we did not shrink from publicity, the real names of 
 
 o 2 
 
196 Jack Westropp. 
 
 both parties appeared immediately afterwards in that great 
 patriotic organ the Firebrand, with which I have always 
 maintained very intimate connections. 
 
 The marriage was fixed for the first week in February ; 
 and leaving the young couple to the pleasant task of billing 
 and cooing, I proceed with the autobiographical career of a 
 lover of his country, who, though only too susceptible to 
 the tender passion, had nothing else to love at present. 
 
 I spoke just now of " my precarious income." The 
 sources of that income I should no more think of accurately 
 describing than a good Freemason would of revealing the 
 secrets of his craft, or a true Catholic of the confessional. 
 Suffice it to say that they were very satisfactory for the time 
 being ; but I was a young man, and with all my follies a 
 thoughtful one, and the grim fact would often stare me in 
 the face that I had nothing whatever to live on beyond the 
 chance contributions of the faithful. How long were these 
 to last? How long was the agitation for Repeal, which 
 Lord Lofthouse had profanely termed " a hollow humbug," 
 to continue? O'Connell had renewed the battle with 
 characteristic energy and ability, specifying certain measures 
 which he would be happy to receive as " instalments of 
 justice for Ireland ; " — but he preached to deaf ears. The 
 government of Sir Robert Peel was indisposed to accede to 
 any of his claims, and jealously watchful lest he should 
 reassume his recent menacing attitude. The spell of his 
 invincibility as a defier of law had been rudely broken, and 
 though the Repeal movement was galvanized by his genius 
 
Jack Westropp. 197 
 
 into a semblance of vitality, those who looked below the 
 surface could see that the really formidable power it had 
 wielded in the previous year was gone. Meanwhile, the 
 dreadful calamity which was so soon to lay Ireland waste 
 was little suspected. The people of England, unmindful 
 of the " sentimental grievances " of their neighbours, and 
 probably suspecting that the cry of " wolf ! " had been too 
 often raised, were engrossed with the task of procuring 
 cheap bread for themselves. The Anti-Corn Law League 
 was a much more powerful body than the Repeal Associa- 
 tion ; and the thunders of O'Connell were disregarded in 
 comparison of " the plain and unadorned eloquence of 
 Richard Cobden." 
 
 As for myself — and it is my own history, and not that of 
 more famous men, that I have undertaken to write — I was 
 kept desperately busy during the months of November and 
 December, though nominally the " vacation " season. My 
 attention was claimed by an incessant host of applications, 
 corporate, personal, or epistolary, that interfered not a little 
 with my strenuous exertions in the cause of Repeal. It was 
 my hard lot to be abused like a pickpocket in the papers — 
 to find my table' crowded with a pile of letters every morn- 
 ing — to be expected to give, at a moment's notice, a 
 luminous exposition of any conceivable subject, from the 
 decimal coinage to the Eastern Question, from the state of 
 our agriculture to the finances of our railways, from the 
 Cromwellian settlement in Ireland to the history of tithes in 
 the Church. For sheer waste of time, perhaps, the deputation 
 
198 Jack Westropp. 
 
 nuisance was the most formidable of all. I have received 
 deputations, if I recollect aright, from undertakers for the 
 encouragement of their trade, from dairymen for the better 
 preservation of public pumps, from the keepers of " Italian 
 warehouses " for the promotion of Irish independence, 
 from the association for abolishing imprisonment for debt 
 (perhaps the only one that claimed my entire sympathy). 
 Their name, indeed, was legion. But one — a deputation of 
 fair advocates of " woman's rights " — afforded me so much 
 amusement that I am tempted to give some description of it. 
 In those days, it must be remembered, this question, which 
 has since led to so many excellent practical results, was in 
 its infancy, and was often advanced in a vague and unsatis- 
 factory way that only covered it with ridicule. 
 
 When the appointed hour arrived, three ladies made 
 their appearance. I felt considerable curiosity as to these 
 representative women, and certainly I found sufficient 
 diversity at all events among them. Two of them, aged 
 respectively, I should say, sixty and forty-five — were tall, 
 grim, bony, formidable-looking females, whose names I 
 forget, but who reminded me so irresistibly of what Noma 
 of the Fitful Head and Martha Trapbois might have been, 
 that I shall call them, for the sake of clearness, after those 
 creations of the great magician. They served as capital 
 foils to their colleague, Miss Oglethorpe, a plump, rosy, 
 laughing, dark-eyed damsel of nineteen or twenty, whom I 
 should have preferred acting as spokeswoman, but who 
 maintained for the most part a provoking silence, except for 
 
Jack Westropp. 199 
 
 the roguish eloquence of her eyes. It puzzled me to divine 
 what could have induced such a guerilla to serve under 
 such heavy cavalry. Most probably it was merely for the 
 lark ; and no doubt her seniors were wise enough in their 
 generation to perceive that the presence of a Hebe, like 
 Miss Oglethorpe, might make a youthful member of 
 Parliament more attentive to their representations. 
 
 I received these ladies " with my usual courtesy," as the 
 newspapers say, requested them to be seated, and said, — 
 
 "As this is a subject especially affecting the rising 
 generation, I should like to be favoured with the views of 
 my young friend (if I maybe permitted to call her so). ' 
 Here I directed an appealing glance towards Miss Ogle- 
 thorpe, who looked provoking ly down. 
 
 " Pardon me, sir," said Noma, sternly ; " it is one 
 emphatically requiring the sagacity of age, and the maturity 
 of experience." 
 
 " Very good, ma'am. And may I ask what you suggest ? " 
 
 " I suggest, sir, that woman should be free — free as the 
 breezes that sweep the mountains; that the accident of sex 
 should not place her in the disadvantageous position of 
 inferiority to man ; that the nature of her habiliments 
 should not debar her from an equalization of privileges." 
 
 These Johnsonian periods did not help me much. I 
 looked bewildered, and Martha Trapbois came to my aid in 
 much more downright fashion. 
 
 "There is more in this question of clothes alluded to by 
 the last speaker than meets the eye, Mr. Member," said she, 
 
200 Jack Westropp. 
 
 with a strong nasal twang, that at once proclaimed her 
 transatlantic origin. " We wish to get in the thin end of 
 the wedge. We air hampered on every side. What is the 
 fa-act ? A young man can go into a tavern, and call for 
 brandy and water, whether he requires it or no ; —a young 
 woman can't do so, even though she be tormented with 
 thirst. A young man can go by himself to the theayter, and 
 smoke cigars in public, and nobody minds him. Can a 
 young lady do so ? Not much, I don't think. Now what 
 makes this wide gulf between the sexes ? Clothes — I say 
 emphatically, clothes." 
 
 Here Martha produced a box and took a pinch of snuff. 
 I thought she was getting in the thin end of the wedge. 
 
 " Your views interest me very much ; but let us try to 
 get to something practical. I presume you object to petti- 
 coats ? " 
 
 The Fitful Head shook ominously. 
 
 " We don't go into details," said Miss Trapbois, with a 
 very snappish air. 
 
 " But I'm afraid that is the very thing you will have to 
 do, whenever you seek assistance from a member of 
 Parliament. You must be aware that a certain social 
 stigma attaches to ladies who wear the — hem ! who attire 
 themselves in their husband's garments ? " 
 
 " Yes ; but that's all prejudice." 
 
 " Very likely ; but may not the prejudice have much 
 foundation in reason ? Should we think so much of our 
 lovely young friend here — who has not yet favoured me 
 
Jack Westropp. 20 1 
 
 with her views " — (here, under fire of those heavy guns, I 
 stole a furtive glance at the dark-eyed nymph, who returned 
 it very satisfactorily) — <f if she availed herself of the 
 masculine license to drink and smoke, which you seem to 
 claim for the sex ? Is not it all the better for women to 
 be free from those temptations that beset us ? " 
 
 "You will pardon me, Mr. Member, if I call all that 
 romantic rubbish. Why in thunder should not a woman 
 drink when she is dry, as well as a man ? " 
 
 u And why," asked Miss Oglethorpe, speaking for the first 
 time, u should not women be eligible to join the learned pro- 
 fessions, and take degrees in the national universities, as 
 well as men ? " 
 
 " Hear ! hear ! " from the honourable member for 
 Gulgreina. 
 
 " And why," asked Noma, lt should not the fetters of 
 inferiority, forged in the ages of ignorance, be struck off in 
 the irresistible march of humanity towards social equality 
 and regulated freedom ? " 
 
 " My dear ladies, these are all very important questions, 
 but — with the exception, perhaps, of that put by Miss Ogle- 
 thorpe — they all fall wide of the mark. Far be it from me to 
 deny that your sex labours under many unjust restrictions, 
 which I hope to see removed in course of time ; but you 
 come to me for a specific purpose. That purpose, as I take 
 it, is to urge the legislature to interfere in some vague general 
 way for the furtherance of what are called ■ woman's rights,' 
 and yet you don't advance any precise views whatever on 
 
202 Jack Westropp. 
 
 the subject. One lady, indeed, who claims for her sex the 
 privilege of drinking and smoking (which, of course, no 
 Act prohibits), contends that it all resolves itself into a 
 question of clothes. If so, I am at a loss to see how 
 Parliament can help you. Surely you may dress as you 
 please. Everybody knows that the days of sumptuary laws 
 are past for ever." 
 
 Up to this point I had treated the subject with becoming 
 gravity, but as I saw the deputation eagerly drinking in my 
 words, the temptation to a little fun became irresistible. I 
 continued, — 
 
 " Formerly, I admit, the legislature used to busy itself a 
 good deal about the people's clothing, and I have by me a 
 list of old statutes, some of which I shall read to you. Here, 
 for instance, is the Sixth of Edward the First, Chapter 10 — 
 ' One essoin for man and wife.' Now I'll venture to say, 
 ladies, none of you can tell me what an essoin is ? " 
 
 They all gave it up. 
 
 " There it is. Commentators vary in their opinions, but 
 in my mind it simply means a suit of clothes, for the 
 fortieth chapter of the thirteenth session of the same king 
 treats expressly of ' a woman's suit.' Here I 'find in the 
 thirty-seventh of Edward the Third, ' a statute concerning 
 diet and apparel,' and the twenty-second of Edward the 
 Fourth, first chapter, absolutely regulates among other things 
 'the length of gowns and mantles.' Nay, so far did they 
 go that the first of Edward the Third, second chapter, is 
 entitled ' House-boot and hey-boot within the forest.' 
 
Jack Westropp. 203 
 
 Imagine that — house-boots even in the forest ! Such were 
 the good old times of sumptuary laws. Do you wish to 
 have them revived ? " 
 
 "Wonderful research!" Miss Oglethorpe ejaculated. 
 Noma and Martha, on the other hand, looked particularly 
 fierce, as if they suspected I was trying to quiz them, but 
 were not able to prove it. They evidently held my legal 
 attainments in profound contempt ; but what did I care ? 
 they were not attorneys, nor was I a practising barrister. 
 
 " Perhaps," Noma suggested, " you would be good enough 
 to lay our views before your constituents when you next 
 address them ? " 
 
 The notion of laying their views before the ragged tatter- 
 demalions of Gulgreina, whom, by favour of Mr. O'Connell, 
 I was permitted to call my " constituents," proved almost 
 too much for my gravity and my politeness. By a powerful 
 effort, however, I checked the tendency to laughter, and 
 replied, — 
 
 " I should be most happy ; but I fear that my constituents 
 are too much absorbed in grave political questions to turn 
 their attention to any side issues, however interesting. I 
 have been elected, as you cannot but know, for a specific 
 purpose. It is my mission to break the chains of centuries, 
 or perish in the attempt." 
 
 " Seems to me eternal hard that nothing can be done to 
 break the chains of our sex," Martha Trapbois grumblingly 
 remarked. 
 
 "Nothing by legislation, certainly," I replied, "" till you 
 
204 J ac k Westropp, 
 
 indicate more precisely what those * chains ' are ; — but the 
 
 remedy lies in your own hands. 
 
 1 How small, of all that human hearts endure, 
 The part which laws or kings can cause or cure ! ' 
 
 If two or three hundred young ladies, like my charming 
 friend here " — (bowing) — " agreed to turn out next week in 
 hats like ours, and great-coats, and stand-up collars, you 
 would get in your ' thin end of the wedge ' far better than 
 by anything Parliament could do for you. Nothing can 
 stand before the force of public opinion. The ladies have 
 it in their power to unsex themselves to a certain extent. 
 Whether it is desirable for them to do so is another matte r 
 altogether. For my part, to tell the honest truth, I am a 
 stubborn Conservative on these points ; and while I shall 
 always be happy to work for the redress of any real 
 grievances you labour under, I don't see my way to giving 
 you any promise of assistance at present." 
 
 As usually happens with unsuccessful deputations, the 
 ladies thanked me for my courtesy, and withdrew. I showed 
 them downstairs to the hall, where, pressing the hand of 
 Miss Oglethorpe, who lingered a little behind, I whispered, 
 " For mercy's sake let your friends go, and we can talk over 
 this question much better together." She looked nothing 
 loth, but her escape was not in the programme, and there 
 was no eluding the vigilance of her guards. As they swooped 
 down upon her, and marched off with her in triumph, she 
 regarded me with such a glance as Briseis may have thrown 
 upon the disappointed Achilles, when the two heralds bore 
 
Jack Westropp. 205 
 
 her away in their custody. Woman's right to remain, and 
 discuss woman's wrongs in a satisfactory tete-a-tete, was 
 denied her. Weak woman had gone forth to do battle in 
 conjunction with her strong Amazonian sisters, and was 
 vanquished by her allies. Destiny was inexorable ; and 
 Achilles and Briseis had to share the fate of Tantalus. 
 
 END of vol. 1. 
 
LONDON 
 
 PRINTED BY GILBERT AND RIVINGTON, LD., 
 
 ST. JOHN'S HOUSE, CLERKENWELL ROAD, B.C.