a I B R.AR.Y 
 
 OF THE 
 UNIVERSITY 
 or ILLINOIS 
 
 B8l5b 
 
 V.I
 
 Return this book on or before the 
 Latest Date stamped below. 
 
 University of Illinois Library 
 
 L161— H41
 
 BRIGHTON; 
 
 OB, 
 
 Ci)e ^tepne* 
 
 A SATIRICAL NOVEL, 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 
 Chaque age a scs piaisirs, son esprit et ses mceurs. BOILEAV. 
 
 LE CARACTERE, cette Vie de la Vie, est a Tesprit comrae les vents 
 aont a notre lac, dont la surface limpide me paroitroit bien ermuyeuse, 
 malgre tous les beaux paysages dont eUe me renvoie le tableau, si je ne 
 la voyois pas quelquefois ea mouvement i ainsi le caractere donne a 
 Tesprit, je dirois meme aux vertus^ des formes toujours nouvelles et 
 toujours piquantes. MADAME NECKER. 
 
 *' with regard to the characters, the painter well 
 
 knows that when he is sketching the personages of history,^ or the 
 creatures of his imagination, the lineaments with which he is most 
 familiar will sometimes almost' la voluntarily rise beneath the touch of 
 his pencil." PREFACE to " GLENARVON." 4th EdiUon. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR. 
 
 SOLD BY SHERWOOD, NEELY, AND JONES, 
 
 PATERNOSTER-ROW. 
 
 1818.
 
 B. Clarke, Printer, WeU-strcct, London.
 
 f23 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 There is no species of publication 
 so much read and so much abused as 
 novels containing sketches from real 
 life; yet, we will venture to say, 
 that no species of- publication is more 
 useful to the morals and manners 
 of society. The dread of being ex- 
 hibited before the public in a con- 
 temptible, or a laughable, or an odious 
 point of view, serves, perhaps, as the 
 only check to folly, depravity, and 
 crime among those whom an ex- 
 alted station has enabled to transgress 
 A 3
 
 VI PREFACE. 
 
 with impunity. Those whose pockets 
 are not injured by loss of character, 
 those who are not reduced to want 
 or beggary by the commission of a 
 misdeed, have nothing whatever to 
 withhold them from infringing upon 
 public decorum, but the fear of suffer- 
 ing public disgrace. That disgrace, 
 therefore, which is the most public, 
 must necessarily be the most effectual ; 
 and the press alone can bestow exten- 
 sive publicity. 
 
 That the press may carry its execu- 
 tive powers too far is indubitable; but 
 here the law interposes, and the chas- 
 tiser becomes the chastised. When a 
 work, however, goes not beyond the 
 pale of the law, and depicts characters, 
 not by name, but by feature, how can
 
 PREFACE. VII 
 
 the original be discovered, unless the 
 likeness be just? and if the likeness 
 be just, it is the fault of the original 
 that it has proved ugly and disgusting. 
 Nothing is nriore conducive to oar own 
 good conduct than the remarks which 
 we hear our friends make on the bad 
 conduct of others. A book is only 
 the printed conversation of an indivi- 
 dual ; and surely, if it be useful to 
 animadvert orally upon those who pass 
 before us in the walk of life, il cannot 
 but be more so to criticise them 
 through a far more effectual channel. 
 People talk of the impropriety of cen- 
 suring publicly. But where consists 
 the mighty difference between saying to 
 all your acquaintances that such a man 
 has been guilty of such a folly, and
 
 Viil PREFACE* 
 
 letting them know the circumstance 
 through the medium of a book? 
 
 Now it is somewhat extraordinary, 
 that a newspaper should do all this 
 every day, without the slightest impu- 
 tation of impropriety. In fact, a news- 
 paper is so true a picture of every pass- 
 ing event, whether private or public, 
 that it might well be designated the 
 Englishman's coat of arms. The Turkish 
 Koran is not half so sacred to a Maho- 
 metan, a parish dinner to an overseer, 
 or a turtle feast to an alderman. It is 
 not only the record of tacts, but the re- 
 ceptacle of invention. There we find : 
 * It is said :' ' A correspondent re- 
 marks:^ 'Whereas:* 'We have authority 
 for stating:* ' We hear,* can let down 
 a man's face, as wet weather does
 
 PREFACE. IX 
 
 quicksilver : * // is said^^ can spasmo- 
 dically distort another : ' IV becomes 
 a peace-breaker, and a supposition is 
 certain to make the eyes start beyond 
 their orbits. 
 
 ** This folio of four pages ; happy work ! 
 What is it but a map of busy life, 
 Its fluctuations and its yast concerns ! 
 'Tis pleasant, through the loopholes of retreat^ 
 To peep at such a world." 
 
 So said the most pious of our poets ; 
 and yet a novels which contains but a 
 small portion of the scandal which is 
 found in a newspaper, is instantly as- 
 sailed by the epithet of scurrilous. 
 The fact is, a novel hurts the feel- 
 ings, not because it tells what hap- 
 pened, but because it tells what hap- 
 pened in a ludicrous manner. Tell
 
 X PREFACfi. 
 
 a kdy that her mouth is too prim, 
 and she will not feel half so much 
 offended, as if you tell her that it re- 
 sembles the aperture of a poor-box. 
 
 In fine, the ' Flehit et insigms tot a coU' 
 tahitur urbis' has alternately been the 
 motto of almost every writer, from 
 Aristophanes to Colman. Custom, 
 therefore, if not propriety, sanctions 
 decorous personalities; and, after all, 
 in things not decided to be improper 
 by the written law, custom is the only 
 law by whose decision we must be de- 
 termined. 
 
 Under this impression has the fol- 
 lowing work been composed : with 
 this conviction, we have placed the 
 fashionable vices and foibles of the 
 day in as mirthful a point of view as
 
 PREFACE. XI 
 
 possible; and, although the incidents 
 may be a little chans^ed, or the cir- 
 cumstances transposed: although the 
 unities of time and place may be al- 
 tered or interrupted ; yet the real cha- 
 racter, and its leading features, have 
 been studiously preserved. 
 
 The reader must not expect to find 
 ingenious invention and glowing ro- 
 mance in this work ; but he will con- 
 template orifjinal characters and ge- 
 nuine scenes of life; and in no in- 
 stance will he find the caricature so 
 gross or illexecuted as to make the 
 resemblance of the portrait dubious or 
 out of nature. 
 
 A novel should be a panorama of 
 life; and we trust that our views will be
 
 XH PftEFACC, 
 
 found correct in the present one, of 
 which we cannot say 
 
 Si non e yeno e ben trorato, 
 
 but on the contrary, 
 
 Almeno e Teno, si non e bene trovato. 
 
 THE AUTHOR.
 
 THE STEYNE. 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 By the command of the most power- 
 ful and amiable prince in Europe, Lord 
 Heathermount prepared to tear him- 
 self from London, and to repair to 
 Brighton. Sixteen Andalusian horses 
 of various descriptions and colours 
 were put on their march for the Sussex 
 coast. Fig, the head groom, com- 
 manded the van, and Juan Roderiguez 
 de Sanchez, the cavalry page of ho- 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 THE STEYNE. 
 
 nour, with his whiskers \n papilloUe, 
 a cigar in his mouth, and a Montero 
 cap upon his head, brought up the 
 rear. A post-chaise bore the Spanish 
 Arch-secretary Camponuevo, to whom 
 was entrusted the general's baton. 
 Zephyr, the gentleman of the bed- 
 chamber, mounted the curricle, and a 
 plain yellow chariot of incognito ap- 
 pearance, not unlike what royalty oc- 
 casionally hides its dignity in, con- 
 veyed Tiranna, a duenna, and another 
 female attendant. My lord, who was 
 a good general, thus sent h\s baggage 
 before him; other liglit troops follow- 
 ed ; and the main body was by these 
 means secure. 
 
 The caravan moved forward with a 
 fine imposing appearance^ and my lord
 
 THE STKYNE. 3 
 
 gracefully and fleetly^ in spite of his 
 wounds, descended the great staircase, 
 followed by a slave bearing a tobacco 
 bag and his superb snioking pipe^pa* 
 ratus. The day was fine, and my lord 
 was interesting. A flourish of trum- 
 pets announced his approach ; and all 
 the maids hurried up from the area to 
 behold a patron and a chief. "Hand- 
 kerchiefs waved from windows on the 
 other side of the street — another flou- 
 rish. Spaven and Bishop, the horse- 
 dealers, and Glitter, the jeweller, ad- 
 vanced with bended knee, and fain 
 would be heard ; but the martial mu- 
 sic struck up ** a louder yet and yet a 
 louder strain;" and his lordship, with 
 a sigh, ascended his brilliant equipage, 
 bearing armorial distinctions in pro- 
 B 2
 
 4 THE STEYNE. 
 
 fusion, and the horsemen armed cap a 
 pie, which served as the rallying point 
 for mounted Amazons and admiring Cy- 
 prians to rally round. 
 
 The hall was crowded with attend- 
 ants. To some my lord gave a smile ; 
 and they were paid for their trouble: 
 some were brought by mere^ curiosity 
 to see either a hero, or his embroidered 
 pantaloons ; and they were disappoint- 
 ed. They thought little of them — they 
 had no taste. One more look — one 
 more nod — and oiF at the rate of twelve 
 miles per hour. 
 
 As the cavalcade moved on, a cloud 
 of dust overwhelmed both horse and 
 rider by the sudden approach of Sir 
 Feeble Aigredoux's mail, filled with 
 servants, whilst a score and a half of
 
 THE STEYNE. 6 
 
 his dogs followed it. His incautious 
 coachman, too, touched Cabalero (my 
 lord's favourite charger) with his whip, 
 which caused him to kick and plunge 
 a little. '* Who the devil are you ?" 
 indignantly exclaimed Mr. Fig : " can't 
 you go modestly down the road with- 
 out kicking up such a dust, and fright- 
 ening people's horses with your airs 
 and your awkwardness." '* And who 
 are you ?" returned the knight's cha- 
 rioteer. '* I suppose you are the ma- 
 nager of a strolling company of moun- 
 tebanks, or Astley's travelling troop, 
 with all your foreign rips, and that ere 
 Tom fool with his pipe just only fit to 
 dance the tight rope." Here coachee's 
 fellow-servants burst into a roar of 
 B 3
 
 O THE STEYNE. 
 
 laughter,and it seemed as if the knight's 
 people had the best of it. 
 
 A Yorkshire groom, however, of 
 my lord's, now gave tongue, and vic- 
 tory was uncertain which side to take. 
 "Oh! oh!" cried Joey, *' I knows 
 you now : you belongs to Sir Feeble's 
 stud. Law, I wouldn't be seen at a 
 bull-bait with the serving men of a 
 simple knight, a turn-coat in parlia- 
 ment, a vamper up of old canvas." 
 ^' What d'ye call my master ?" says 
 
 r 
 
 Aigredoux's footman . " I'll fight you 
 for 1/our master's purse, for there's no- 
 thing in that. Pray how many of them 
 there horses are paid for?" "My 
 lord," rejoined Fig, *« wouldn't lend 
 money on annuity, nor play with a mad
 
 THE STEYNE. 7 
 
 relation's cash. I wouldn't serve such 
 gentry: no, right real nobility for nae," 
 Here loud acclamations rose from 
 the House of Lords; and the arrival 
 of Zephyr, who advised the cavalcade 
 to pass on, and despise Aigredoux's 
 fellows^ put an end to the affair. Juan 
 Roderiguez got a slight touch of a hand- 
 whip en passani. " Cuernos/'^ cried 
 the enraged Castilian, and drew his 
 coltello; but gentle Zephyr (not so 
 called from raising the wind) inter- 
 fered, and the skirmish ended without 
 bloodshed. The peer's men felt as 
 proud of his pedigree as if it had been 
 their own ; and Sir Feeble's party was 
 disappointed at not having cut the swell 
 (to use their own words), which they 
 expected. This furnishes no unuseful 
 B 4
 
 b THE STEYNE. 
 
 lesson to travellers on the road of life* 
 It is difficult to know who one may 
 meet by the way ; peace and quietness 
 are therefore best. 
 
 Sonae of the Grand Signor^s people 
 here passed : — " Your highness's most 
 obedient/' said Zephyr to the fore- 
 most. " Bon jour y milord^^ replied the 
 royal domestic ; and, after an exchange 
 of compliments, they parted. So ge- 
 neral is this custom of servants iden- 
 tifying their titles and consequence 
 with their master's, that his Grace of 
 's retired servant, who keeps a 
 green-grocer's shop near Clare Market, 
 is styled by his friends my lord duke; 
 and the landlord of a little tavern of 
 very ill fame in the City is known by 
 the name of the Bishop, from his for-
 
 THE STEYNE. 9 
 
 mer master's bearing that rank. This 
 
 ^ • u 
 IS — parvis componere magrm with a 
 
 vengeance ! 
 
 The servants proceeded quietly on 
 their journey, whilst Lord Heather- 
 mount flew past them like a flash of 
 lightning, and arrived triumphantly at 
 Brighton. We now leave him to dress, 
 and will take a retrospect of his habits, 
 arrangements, and the regrets which 
 his departure occasioned. 
 
 Independent of Tiranna, who accom- 
 panied the caravan, Lord Heather- 
 mount had left behind him Muchacha 
 Muchachita, the Castilian figure-dan- 
 cer, Laura Piccolinetta, an awkward 
 incipient caper-cutter on the opera 
 stage, Mademoiselle Rouille, a half- 
 pay lady of the bed-chamber, La Com- 
 B 6
 
 10 THE STEYNE. 
 
 tesse Grasse, lodging in the rules of 
 the King's Bench, and many other ha- 
 bitual feraale consolers and passa-tem- 
 pos to fill up the vacuum of his mind, 
 or to sweeten the tcedium vitce which 
 great men so commonly feel. But, 
 above all, his anxious interest and de- 
 luded curiosity had been on the senti- 
 mental tenter- hooks of suffering, to 
 discover a fair incognita of portly ap- 
 pearance and most bewitching deport- 
 ment, who incessantly followed his 
 steps, haunted him in his walks, sat 
 vis a vis to him at every public place ; 
 but, on hisaddressing her, and intreating 
 her to unveil, vanished like a ghost, 
 and flew from his advances. Nothing 
 but high commands, and the love of his 
 illustrious friend, could have brought
 
 THE STEYNE. 11 
 
 bira from town, without discovering 
 who the adorata was. He regretted it 
 exceedingly. 
 
 At this moment, Lord Leg arrived, 
 and proposed a walk on theSteyne: 
 they went out accordingly. 
 
 " What a scene this same Steyne is 1" 
 said Lord Leg to his friend, *' yet, how 
 it varies every year I How many of 
 one's acquaintance, who figured here a 
 few seasons atjo, are now ruined, un- 
 done, migrated to France, or consigned 
 to the King's Bench or Fleet Prison ! 
 Many a match made hastily here has 
 been repented of at leisure elsewhere. 
 Many a ball partner^ now tired of being 
 a partner for life^ has led her vis a vis a 
 devil of a dance to the figure of — join 
 hands, cast off oru couple, down the
 
 12 THE STEYNE. 
 
 middle and back again, halancez^ dos a 
 dos, set to a different partner^ lead off 
 with him, and recommencez as before. 
 Many a political dancer has changed 
 sides ; many a military one has sported 
 his last reel here; and many a fair vic- 
 tim has ventured on le premier pas in 
 the waltz here, who has glided preci- 
 pitately through the mazes of vice ever 
 since, —N'importe : thus was it ever: 
 thus will it ever be : such is the race 
 through life: so will frail mortals ever 
 
 . j-un, 
 
 Undoing some, and some to be undone. 
 
 "Not many seasons ago, we had Count 
 Snip the hussard, gallant and gay, and 
 an aspiring bachelor. Now, poor de- 
 vil, he whom we used to call the knight 
 of the thimble or bodkin is become a
 
 THE STEYNE. 13 
 
 knight of the crescent! !! Many more, 
 too, has the Steyne beheld ; but the 
 poor count — to have travelled so quick- 
 ly from Silly Island to Cape Horne^ 
 seems hard indeed ; and now his ahari' 
 donaia wants to make him, not lord of 
 the bed-chamber, but knight of the 
 garter ! This is the ne. plus ultra of 
 tenderness. The garters ! the dear gar- 
 ters ! which he gave her: — she kisses 
 them every day — admirable ! And she 
 now finds that the governor of Japan 
 is the mere varnish of a lover : he has 
 a clay-cold hearty and a mere papier 
 mache mind : he w all leather and prU" 
 nella. By the head of Confucius, these 
 shop-keeping fellows, when they get 
 thrust into high life, play the game 
 through to a charm-^whether it be
 
 14 THE STKYNE. 
 
 duels, (though not in this case) or di- 
 vorces, or crim cons, orPharaoh-banks, 
 or gaming, or intriguing — they imitate 
 their superiors in every thing. 
 
 "Here, again, in recent remembrance, 
 we had the Dandy Mustachio Musta. 
 chione, as fierce as a lion, who has 
 lately come off but second best. He 
 was riding full tilt at Miss N— — 's 
 large fortune ; but it would not do. 
 The Knight of the Shamrock, too, 
 broke his pony^s wind in this matrimo- 
 nial chace. Nobody could place the 
 candidates: no one could name the 
 winner. We had Bill Greek, also, fly- 
 ing kites in all directions, to give eclat 
 to his lean cattle and leaner wife ; but 
 now we have all new faces. The 
 Scotch doctor, looking like the effect
 
 THE STEYNE. 15 
 
 of an Anderson's pill, together with his 
 celestial ^lobe cif a wife, and his non- 
 descript female relation, are the only 
 old conntenancts here. The mi2:ration8 
 to Fraijce, and the opposition coaches, 
 would ruin this place, were it not for 
 the genial, benevolent sun, which, 
 darting its rays from the palace, gilds 
 the gay scene, and throws a lustre over 
 the Steyne visitors, who, otherwise, 
 would sink into the importations from 
 Bishopsgate-without and Bishopsgate- 
 within — such as embark in a Margate 
 hoy, or furnish the bales of goods sent 
 per cheap cpach — fat wives, rubicund 
 or cadaverous husbands, sickly brats, 
 and preposterously fine-dressed daugh- 
 ters! 
 
 " What exportations likewise for the
 
 16 THE STEYNE. 
 
 opposite coast I and what metamor- 
 phoses at their return ! Ovid's were 
 mere jokes to them. This week we 
 may see a tallow-faced young miss^ with 
 fire-red locks hanging in ringlets down 
 her widely displayed neck, stealing out 
 of a bee-hive of a straw hat, flat-back- 
 ed, and lean in case. The next, or the 
 next week but one, perchance, you 
 behold her return with a hump upon 
 her back ; no waist at all, seventeen 
 tier of flounces, and petticoat trimmings 
 at her base: her head lost under a mar- 
 tello tower of a bonnet, so beflowered 
 as lo give her the appearance of a walk- 
 ing green-house : then she is finished 
 off with silk shoes, and steps as hastily 
 and as ridiculously as a hen hopping 
 in tortures over a hot gridiron, or a cat
 
 THE STEYNE. 17 
 
 picking her way through a streamlet of 
 water! And she talks of foreign parts 
 just as if she had made the tour of Eu- 
 rope/' 
 
 But to return to the doctor's wife. 
 
 MRS. LENITIVE. 
 
 " Arguing a priorij as this lady would 
 say, and judging of causes by effects, one 
 would in a moment conclude that this hi/- 
 per^elegante, this 2//^ra-deiicate, was a 
 woman of studious research. A choice 
 of words never less than tris-syllables, 
 expressions ever derived from foreign 
 sources, the technical terms of all arts 
 and sciences, analytical explanations to 
 her inferiors, philosophical and chymi- 
 cal observations to her equals, a com- 
 posure of countenance, adjustment of 
 dress, arrangement of ornaments, a de-
 
 T8 THE STEYNE. 
 
 pressed eye-)id, a smile that chides the 
 lip for smiling^ occasional elevations of 
 the shoulders, an4 a very dignified dis- 
 tance in her deportment, announce the 
 woman of towering talent, high intel- 
 lect, and superior acquirements* 
 
 *' She glides through a rout with state- 
 ly port, not unlike the bird Lord Byron 
 is good enough to inform us so nobly 
 " walks the waters,** or sails with se- 
 rene and dignified calmness through 
 the gilded saloon, like the vessel which 
 the peer (with his favourite simile) con- 
 descendingly describes thus: 
 
 ** She walkM the waters like a thing of life, 
 And seem'd to brave the elements of strife,'* 
 
 "After reading three hours, and pass- 
 ing as many at her looking glass, doubt- 
 less both for the purpose of reflection^
 
 THE STEYNE. 19 
 
 she gently draws on a white kid glove, 
 calls for her India shawl, her perfumed 
 cambric pocket handkerchief, her gol- 
 den pencil, and ivory tablets ; and with 
 look, but not thought, of contempt of 
 the pomps and vanities of this wicked 
 world, she ventures into the gay circle, 
 selecting always some lettered beau to 
 receive her arm. 
 
 " Arrived, she is surrounded by 
 authors and classical men ; and with 
 seeming reluctance she enters upon 
 some abstruse and arduous reasoning. 
 She is agonizingly sensible to the e/ec- 
 trical influence of harmony^ phyucally 
 convinced of the non-existence of enjoy- 
 ments which are not essentially and 
 purely intellectual; her interior is too 
 delicate to endure the vulgarity of the
 
 20 THE STEYNE* 
 
 existing cera ; and her aiiatomical system 
 suffers infinitely by intense cogitation, 
 
 " She takes no charge of domestic 
 concerns; but remembers once amal^ 
 gamating some lacteal matter into the 
 form of a custard, which was palatable 
 enough. She is her own amanuensis ; 
 issues her encyclical letters of invita- 
 tion for her conversazioni with her own 
 hand ; pays the board wages of her 
 establishment personally ; drinks the 
 wholesome beverage called water; is 
 moderate in her diet, to subdue a na- 
 tural tendency to corpulence and a de- 
 termination of blood to the head. 
 
 "From these various precautions and 
 studied proceedings, she passes for a 
 woman of letters, and receives occa- 
 sionally tributary compliments and ma-
 
 THE STEYNE. 21 
 
 nuscript dedications of fugitive poems 
 and novitiate productions." 
 
 Lord Leg would probably have en^ 
 larged more on Mrs. Lenitive, but 
 twelve sail of concubines hove in sight, 
 and threw out signals to the noble peers 
 to bring them to. " Pll bet a thou- 
 sand/' said Lord Leg, " that this trad- 
 ing voyage has been undertaken on the 
 speculation of your being here, Hea- 
 thermount.'^ "Oh! not at all," said his 
 lordship, half pleased; " but, why don't 
 you answer the signal, Leg ?'* conclud- 
 ed he. *' Were it a signal of distress,^* 
 replied Lord Leg, " I should not be 
 long in bearing up to take them in tow ; 
 but as it is only one to bring us to ac* 
 tion, I leave the engagement to a man 
 of war of sotmder metaL'' " Pooh !
 
 22 THE STEYNE, 
 
 Pooh!" cried Heathermount; '* but 
 let us hail the sternmostj which ap- 
 pears to be I he best rigged out. Yet 
 avast a minute or two, for I see a 
 strange sail nearing us : let us heave 
 to for a while: it looms like a first- 
 rate. Joking apart, who have we 
 got here. Leg? et quo nomine gaudel?^^ 
 Just at this moment the Duke of 
 ******* passed. ''There !" said Lord 
 Leg, " jjjoes the philandering duke. 
 He has now passed through, not 
 only the vernal, but even the autum- 
 nal season of life. The declining 
 rays of the sun, however, give rich 
 tints to his appearance, whilst great 
 care, culture, and preservation, have 
 enabled him to weather the varied 
 temperatures to which he has been
 
 THE STEYNE. 93 
 
 exposed, with a fresh, an unimpaired 
 exterior. He always seems to me 
 like an astonishing fine day in No- 
 vember, when we are delighted and 
 surprised to see sky and sun, so 
 contrasted with bloom and vegetation. 
 His grace scarcely looks to be more 
 than six-aiid-thirty, although he ac- 
 tually has turned the corner of the 
 half century In his y<»uth, he was 
 attached to two distuiguished em- 
 bassies, and early acquired a polish, 
 which will, to his latest years, give 
 him a delightful smoothness of surface, 
 a prepossessing mode of expression, 
 and an attractive style of speaking and 
 behaving, which cannot fail to gain 
 him friends and admirers. These 
 qualities, luckily for his grace, are
 
 24 THE STEYNE. 
 
 of all ages; they surprise us in youth ; 
 they delight us in maturity ; they 
 win our esteem in the evening of life. ^ 
 ** A sedulous attention to the graces 
 of the person, with a superficial^ but 
 well remembered, and still better 
 managed and applied study of every 
 thing becoming the scholar and the 
 gentleman, fit him inimitably for 
 society, and enable him to speak 
 speciously^ and to ensure attention on 
 almost every subject ; but, above all, 
 an elegant politeness^ which makes 
 every body easy and happy in his 
 company, gains him universal suffrage 
 as the best bred nobleman of the age. 
 His great aptitude to enter into the 
 views and pursuits of his acquaintance, 
 to flatter them, whilst he seems to
 
 THE STEYNE. 
 
 derive amusement from their conver- 
 sation, to smooth the asperities of 
 others, and always to have an arm, a 
 kind word, and a protective look for 
 J the fairer sex, produce a certain some- 
 thing quite peculiar to himself, and 
 disarm his harshest censors, and his 
 most determined rivals and enemies. 
 
 ''Till the meridian, and toward the 
 
 decline of life, his grace flourished in 
 
 the annals of gallantry to a great 
 
 extent; and, from becoming delicacy 
 
 and secrecy, was the nuper idoneus of 
 
 many a titled fair. He married, as 
 
 most great people do, for fortune, and 
 
 an establishment; and he became, 
 
 as most fashionables do, a greater 
 
 mdle coquette, and a more frequent 
 
 and mysterious lover than ever. 
 
 VOL. I. c
 
 26 THE STEYNE. 
 
 " Time, however, all this while, trot- 
 ted on with his hour-crlass and scythe; 
 and his grace must more than once have 
 been aware that, not only le terns 
 passe avec Tamour, but also that 
 I'amour passe avec le tems. 
 
 "From this conviction he has chang- 
 ed his batteries, and has become more 
 dangerous than ever. The midnight 
 beauty, or the taper charmer, no longer 
 attracts, nor is attracted by the duke : 
 experience and maturity suit not his 
 gusto. No longer an Orlando Furioso 
 in the delirious passion, he is the 
 more refined Platonist in principle, 
 but the seducer of juvenile sentiment 
 and affection in practice. The con- 
 descension of a nobleman, the atten- 
 tionofamanof fashion, the prevenance
 
 THE STEYNE. 27 
 
 of superior education, and the pre- 
 eminence over the fausses manieres of 
 our lordlings and buckish squires, en- 
 gross easily and forcibly a youthful 
 mind, and steal away imperceptibly 
 the unguarded heart — thus unfitting 
 it for another resting place, thus 
 rendering it unable to make another 
 choice. 
 
 ^' How many an amiable and suscep- 
 tible girl has fallen a victim to this 
 enchantment ! How many an interest- 
 ing female, formed for an humbler 
 and more tranquil walk of life, has, 
 from this cause alone, been lost to 
 society, if not to virtue ! How many 
 a one who bloomed in promise, as a 
 fond partner and a tender mother, has 
 withered in the ripening, irom the 
 e 2
 
 2S TH£ STEYK'E. 
 
 ambition of Aspiring to lordly love — 
 from the fascination of such wedded 
 advatices ! I call this philandering 
 systeth Of the duke nothing but the 
 ihbst refined cruelty — the triumph 
 of his vanity over the peace of artless 
 innocence. 
 
 " I grant you, that there is no criminal 
 tendency in his habitual attentions to 
 Miss — — ; but then, she has become 
 the fable of the higher circles, the 
 cause of jealousy to her friend the 
 duchess, the enemy of the unheeding 
 giddy votary of fashion, and a mark for 
 the pointed fingerof scandal, describing 
 her perhaps in the most uncharitable 
 light. * There!' says a disappointed 
 rival, 'there goes the constant cou- 
 ple!' 'Bless m©!' says a soi'disant
 
 THE STEYNE. ?9 
 
 maiden aunt : ' are you here alone ? 
 Pray, where's the duke ?' ' What 
 a hore^ cries a buxom widow of 
 quality, 'that one must ask that 
 young minx to one's parties, to insure 
 the attendance of his grace V ' The 
 poor duchess !' exclaims another (who 
 hates her) ' what a shame! I suppose 
 the old man will elope ere long with 
 
 Miss !' Finally, this seduction 
 
 of mind, not much less prejudicial 
 than an unqualified exercise of this vice, 
 blasts the fair fame, and undermines 
 the tranquillity of whatever object it 
 is unfortunately applied to. 
 
 " Yet thus, alas ! it has for some 
 
 years been with the guilty Philander 
 
 in question. Whilst confining the err- 
 
 ings of constancy and truth, of pas- 
 
 c 3
 
 so THE STEYNE. 
 
 sion and grovelling enjoyment, to the 
 more obscure unnoticed class of wo- 
 men, he stalks ostensibly forward in 
 the solar blaze of notoriety with some 
 lovely, blooming, and blushing virgin 
 on his arm : proudly he introduces her 
 into the mazes of pleasure and dissipa- 
 tion ; gently he instils the poison of 
 flattery in her ear ; and, whilst he is 
 winning and carrying off his prize 
 from the gay admiring throng, the vic- 
 tim sinks into contempt, withers in the 
 public eye, fades and dies perhaps in 
 a short season, and her premature fall 
 claims not an honest pang or pitying 
 tear ; but malice still haunts her me- 
 mory, and disfigures her past reputa- 
 tion/* Lord Leg concluded. 
 
 " Why you talk like a methodist
 
 THE STEYNE. 31 
 
 parson/^ said Lord Heathermount. 
 '* Any one who should hear you would 
 suppose that you were a moralist of the 
 first order, instead of a gazett d repro- 
 bate/' " Pardon me," said Lord 
 Leg, " I do indulge a little in venere et 
 vino: I drink, game, wench, swear, 
 and amuse myself as a man of fashion 
 ought; but I never deal in this vain 
 philandering system, this cutting up 
 of character, this dissection of repu- 
 tation without any substantial fare pro- 
 ceeding from it. Believe me, when 
 my vices decay my vanity will accom- 
 pany them/' " There you are right," 
 said Heathermount, " for you have 
 nothins: else to be vain of — But I 
 must leave you for a moment, for the 
 wife of a French marechal de camp 
 c 4
 
 32 THB STEYNE. 
 
 just beckons to me, and doubtless has 
 something interesting to say/' " An 
 intrigue with some grandmother, I 
 suppose/' exclaimed Lord Leg,^' but 
 ni e'en to the Palace, and leave you 
 to your bonne fortune,'^ 
 
 A huge figure now, which might 
 put a man in mind of the Art of Love^ 
 in folio^ addressed Lord Heather- 
 mount, drew him aside, and claimed 
 an audience, commencing in the most 
 highly varnished strain of encomium. 
 Whereupon the great man— 
 
 <^ Assumes the god, 
 Affects to nod," 
 
 and lent an ear with the most con- 
 descending expression of high-minded 
 affability. Madame la marechale in- 
 formed the peer that she had on her
 
 THE STEYNE. 33 
 
 arrival attracted the attention of the 
 first man in the kingdom, which proved 
 his great taste ; but that an anony- 
 mous letter from the County of- 
 had poisoned his high mind against 
 her, and that she was now ruined by 
 her endeavours to give eclat to her 
 person and establishment, and to ren- 
 der both worthy of the high mark of 
 favour which she at first received. She 
 concludes by soliciting a temporary 
 supply on personal security ; and says, 
 that as Lord Heathermount is Mars 
 personified, every priestess of Venus 
 is his devoted slave ; that, like the 
 bright orb of day, when he appears, il 
 fait le beau terns des femmes ; that 
 
 •' He draws every eye 
 Of the dames that pass by, 
 Like the sun to its wonderful centre ;'' 
 C 5
 
 34> THE STEYNE. 
 
 that every unfortunate female looks 
 up to him ; that every defenceless 
 maiden considers him as her va- 
 liant knight ; and that, finally, as he 
 is the protector general of the repub" 
 lie of women, he is their spear and 
 shield, their patron, and admiration in 
 all possible times, sides, and ends. 
 She breathed, my lord smiled ; he 
 drew out a pocket-book, embroidered 
 by the hand of Tiranna, and emptying 
 its contents into her lap, returned to 
 his hotel, in order to double the dose. 
 Zephyr, his valet-de-chambre, await- 
 ed his lord's arrival, with a simper on 
 his lip, and the complete air of a great 
 man's great man — *' What were my 
 lord's commands ?'' '« Money V' " No 
 tengo nada, paderoso senor,*' lisped
 
 THE STEYNE 35 
 
 out Zephyr, who was proud to show 
 that he had travelled also. '* It must 
 be had,'* replied the chief, sternly. 
 " Beauty suffers ; woman is in dis- 
 tress ! di demonio !'^ " Most pow- 
 erful lord,*' sighed out Zephyr, **• deign 
 to hear me : I have been a faithful 
 treasurer ; but your lordship's munifi- 
 cence is like the dominions of His 
 most Catholic Majesty, Ferdinand the 
 Beloved (whom we pray may live wiw- 
 chos annos, as also you my noble bene- 
 factor), on which the sun never sets." 
 My lord threw himself on a sofa, 
 called for his montero cap, his robe de 
 chambre, his pipe and scented tobacco ; 
 then^nLQtiened ^ a black ^laxe_ to^ take^ 
 ^-^/off his boots, and, looking on the mi- 
 ^^/^iature pendent round his neck, he 
 
 / f
 
 36 THE STEYNE. 
 
 puffed a little, and commanded him to 
 continue. " The last money which I 
 received," continued gentle Zephyr, 
 *' was three thousand pounds : half of 
 that you ordered me to give La Signora 
 Tiranna in three days! five hundred 
 liquidated Muchacha Muchachita's 
 debts; two hundred and fifty were 
 paid to Doctor Diaboloni for attending 
 the Harem; a similar sum to the ar- 
 tist for a cast of madame la comtesse ; 
 the quarterly annuity to Mademoiselle 
 Rouille; three hundred pounds to the 
 ladies on the retired list : in fine, I am 
 left with only ten pounds in your lord* 
 ship^s treasury, not including what is 
 due to me, and the present promised 
 to my wife. 
 
 " Cuernos T' exclaimed my lord, as
 
 THE STEYNE, 37 
 
 he thought of the civil list which he 
 had to support: " Cuernos ! one hun- 
 dred must be had in one hour." " I 
 will borrow it," lisped out Zephyr, and 
 vanished into thin air. At this mo- 
 ment, Fig, the stud groom, entered 
 the room with a bitter complaint, sta- 
 ting that the numerous cavalry were in 
 a fasting state, forage having fallen 
 short, and credit not being high enough 
 to procure a reinforcement. My 
 lord scratched his head — there was no- 
 thing in that ; but he frowned — there 
 was a great deal in that; he struck his 
 pocket with the palm of his hand, 
 and it returned a hollow sound ; and he 
 paused, and he had nothing to fill up 
 h\s pause; and Fig extended h\s paws , 
 and let them fall again lightly.
 
 SB THE STEYNE. 
 
 Zephyr again appeared with the 
 hundred. " Give fifty to Fig/' said 
 my lord ; " and sell the two hacks/* 
 " They are sold,'^ answered Fig. " And 
 who dared to sell them ?*' said the 
 peer. ** Mr. Zephyr," replied Fig, 
 with a grin : " and I thought it was 
 not his place to sell them, but he would 
 not trust me. Howsomdever, I'm sure 
 I could have made more of them than 
 him. What, please your lordship, does 
 a valet-de-sham know about horse- 
 flesh?" " The hacks were lame," in- 
 terrupted Zephyr, " and they were 
 sold, with your lordship's knowledge, 
 when Signora Salterini was sent to sick 
 quarters; but your lordship is so good 
 and so munificent, that 1 am sure you 
 don't know half the horses, nor (in a
 
 THE STEYNE. 39 
 
 low tone of voice) half the ladies that 
 you have to support.'* " May be so," 
 gently remarked my lord. '' Give Fig 
 the fifty, and let him go and overlook 
 my grooms.** *' Yes, my lord/' said 
 Zephyr, and, in a semi-tone, muttered, 
 " he'll overlook many things." 
 
 My lord now nerved and manned 
 himself; and rising, in a commanding 
 attitude, and with a military voice, ex- 
 claimed : — " Zephyr, this won*t do ; 
 write by this day*s post to my Pictish 
 vassals ; they are in long arrears to 
 me; my agent is a drone; my lawyer 
 slumbers over my interest. Levy con- 
 tributions on my territorial patrimony; 
 fell my timber. ' Birnham wood must 
 come to Dunsinane ;* my oaks and 
 pines must fall ; warn off my squir-
 
 40 THE STEYNE. 
 
 rels ; expatriate the rooks and crows 
 that prey upon my property. Money 
 must and shall be had ; my cavalry 
 must be fed ; my minions must be sa- 
 tisfied ; my women must smile angeli- 
 cally." " And your lordship must be 
 obeyed/' said Zephyr ; and the matter 
 ended nobly. 
 
 The post now brought a letter from 
 Roxalana, who had travelled from Ca- 
 diz, and was now actually on her w^ay 
 to Brighton. Orders were given to 
 have a separate house taken for 
 her, and every precaution observed 
 to keep her from Tiranna. The 
 arch secretary appears with despatches 
 from Don Alfonzo Juan Felix Mus- 
 tachino de las Monies ; but the hour 
 of dinner approached, and my lord
 
 THE STEYNE. 41 
 
 was engaged to dine at the Pa- 
 lace. 
 
 His lordship dressed accordingly, 
 and proceeded to that splendid dome, 
 where Lord Leg had preceded him, 
 making, with the exalted and amiable 
 master thereof, divers arrangements 
 of a mirthful kind. The hoax for 
 Lord Heathermount had been prepared 
 before his arrival, which will be 
 explained hereafter: but many other 
 whims were also resolved upon. 
 
 The visitors at this enchanted man- 
 sion were of rather a different com- 
 plexion to those of former times, 
 some of which we shall attempt to 
 sketch in the ensuing chapter.
 
 42 THE STEYNE, 
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 Among the distinguished characters 
 who once composed the society at 
 this splendid retreat were 
 
 MRS. OLDLOVE. 
 
 Born of a very ancient family, and 
 distinguished by an elegant education, 
 this lady grew early into the full bloom 
 of loveliness, and her attractions soon 
 obtained her a proposal ot' marriage 
 from a gentleman of a most respecta- 
 ble family, of old territorial posses- 
 sions, and suitable in family to her
 
 THE STEYXE. 
 
 own. She Jived bappilv with ibis, her 
 nrst partner, for no considerable space 
 of time; for at an early period death 
 deprived her of a most affectionate 
 and deserredlr attached husband. 
 
 It would be useless and uninteresting 
 to go through a detail of the circum- 
 stances of her widowhood, in which 
 she was much sought and infinitely ad- 
 mired, ere she beslov%ed a mc<st beau- 
 tiful person on the gentleman whose 
 name she st:ll bears, alike ancient in 
 familv, and possessed of a handsome 
 property. After a few years, howe- 
 ver, of conjugal comfort, premature 
 death returned her a second time to a 
 state of widowhood. 
 
 It may be here well to observe, that 
 during this second period of wedlock.
 
 44« THE STEYNE. 
 
 the maturity of her years had mellowed 
 her into a softness of appearance, a 
 suavity of expression, a finish of 
 manners, which raised her to the zenith 
 of her attraction ; and, when she was 
 a second time a widow, herself and her 
 sister were considered as sister-beau- 
 ties, the preference, however, being 
 most frequently given to herself, though 
 the elder. General and extensive was 
 the admiration which she drew, and 
 many were the hearts which aspired to 
 gain an interest with her. 
 
 At this eventful period of her life, 
 she unfortunately engrossed the bound- 
 less admiration, the most impassioned 
 affection, the most devoted attachment 
 of the most accomplished, attractive, 
 and illustrious young man in the
 
 THE STEYNE. 45 
 
 kingdom, and we might add in Europe. 
 Highly flattering as this preference 
 must have been, it nevertheless brought 
 with it a degree of care and apprehen- 
 sion, which secured her heart by the 
 contending feelings of indecision, and 
 of mutual and sincerely felt affection ; 
 and, viewing the mighty distance 
 betwixt her situation and that of her 
 exalted admirer, she prudently with- 
 drew to a neighbouring country, to 
 avoid indulging a partiality which 
 appeared to her, and to her many real 
 friends, so fraught with danger, and 
 so full of evil consequence. Her 
 absence added fuel to the already 
 ungovernable flame of youthful and 
 impatient love ; and the most im- 
 measurable offers and unqualified
 
 46 THE STEYNE. 
 
 protestations, avowals, promises, and 
 lovers' oaths, were employed to pro- 
 cure her return. The charm suc- 
 ceeded, and the enchanting widow 
 arrived to fill a situation the most 
 difficult, the most perilous, and the 
 most marked by envy, that could fall 
 to the lot of woman, qualified at the 
 same time by delicate shades, by ties 
 so complex yet so refined^ which formed 
 together an union of no common nature 
 and under no ordinari^ circumstances. 
 For a season, she reigned triumph- 
 antly the sovereign of the heart of the 
 most kingly of men ; she mingled 
 sweets in his cup of life, soothed his 
 cares, softened his hours of retirement, 
 refined his pleasures, and fixed his 
 wandering impetuosity. Never were
 
 THE STEYNE. 47 
 
 united hearts more happy ; never did 
 lovely woman more faithfully minister 
 to the comforts of her lord, than the 
 then happy companion of his couch ; 
 never did attractive woman act with 
 more circumspection, lest a passing 
 cloud of uneasiness should for one 
 moment obscure the felicity which it 
 was her pride and ambition to bestow. 
 The respectful friendships of two 
 distinguished statesmen bore ample 
 testimony to this truth, and every 
 peasant, workman, and trades-person, 
 in the neighbourhood of a certain 
 hunting seat will acknowledge, that to 
 the most affable manners Mrs. Old- 
 love joined the kindest and most hu- 
 mane heart. 
 
 Life, however, is butta dream, from
 
 48 THE STEYNE. 
 
 which we must awaken at last; and 
 from the fleeting slumber of content 
 and happiness this lady was soon arousr 
 ed. Years, rolling on, added percep- 
 tibly to the disparity of age of this once 
 happy couple; human inconstancy, 
 heightened by the multiplied tempta- 
 tions to which the gre2Lt ^re particidarltf 
 exposed; the levity of her partner's 
 mind ; snares sent from a certain island ; 
 sated appetite ; and interested change — 
 operated so forcibly against her, that 
 she was, in spite of former protesta- 
 tions, added to the dismal list of desert- 
 ed dear ones. The exalted personage 
 who once faisait les beau,v jours of Mrs. 
 Oldlove, was formerly compared to the 
 roving bee, who sought sweets from 
 every flower, tut rested his happiness
 
 THE SIEYNE. 49 
 
 on the rose — that rose is withered, but 
 he has left the thorn in full virescencef 
 
 LORD COALMAN. ' 
 
 FdlstafF tells us that honours are in- 
 herited by some, and that others have 
 honours forced upon them. Both these 
 circumstances have, in a manner, hap- 
 pened to this noble peer ; for, though 
 doubtless the name and title of an old 
 and noble famil}' have deacended to him, 
 j yet the honourable commoner descended 
 i so low previous to its arrival, that it sits 
 j' like another man's coat on his body at 
 !v present, andseemsquiteunsuitedtohim, 
 " My Lord" was so new and so hos- 
 tile to his ears, that he begged his old 
 friends at the ale-house to continue to 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 50 THE STEYNE. 
 
 call him honest George ; and, in spite 
 of his elevation, most of his numerous 
 friends, the publicans^nd sinners, still 
 call him George. So fond was his lord- 
 ship of that appellation, which was a 
 passport in all quarters of the hundreds 
 of Drury^ that he very ingeniously had 
 a symbolical picture of himself in a mi- 
 litary cocked hat, in a state of suspense, 
 as a frontispiece to his elegant histo- 
 rical work. There is an additional dis- 
 advantage in the peerage, namely, that 
 it elevates not his faithful chere amie to 
 the precedence which she would other- 
 wise be entitled to. 
 
 There is, however, a vast deal of 
 candour in his lordship's character, and 
 still more he affects; for the mixture 
 of bluntness and politesse which he has
 
 THE STEYNE. 51 
 
 acquired betwixt St. James's and St. 
 Giles's would tend to make one of his 
 amiable disposition more of a gentle- 
 man-—— than of a gen- 
 tleman. 
 
 Of his genius as an author, we can 
 say but little, except that he has shown 
 medical knowledge, extensive practice, 
 and infinite good-nature in his advice 
 to the Cyprians! ! ! After many spirited 
 remarks, he advises them to make the 
 most of their time, lest, losing the 
 golden opportunity, they die in dis- 
 grace and indigence. 
 
 His sympathy for the highwayman, 
 
 his regard for his person, admiration of 
 
 \\\s plucky and attendance on him to the 
 
 last, bespeak a kind heart. Many men 
 
 D 2 
 
 a OF ILL u&
 
 52 THE STEYNE. 
 
 rise in public esteem from their misfor- 
 tunes; and there is no doubt of the e/e- 
 vation of many daring characters at the 
 close of life : under all these circum- 
 stances, we wonder not at the noble 
 peer's having checked an honest tear 
 when his friend (as Pat calls it) got a 
 sheriff's breakfast ;* but he assures us 
 that he died game, and we presume, 
 that, like Larry in ihe^ash song, 
 
 '^ He kick'd, but 'twas nothing but pride, 
 And died with his face to the city." 
 
 No man ever was braver than his 
 lordship: no man ever exposed his per- 
 son more than he did in the American 
 war : and though no one can tell a 
 tougher story, yet he was ever inde- 
 
 * A sheriff's breakfast is a heariy choak and 
 a caper.
 
 THE STEYNE. -53 
 
 pendent with the p e, and beloved 
 
 by all his friends, high or low. He 
 was a fair recruiting officer to the East 
 India Company, and, we believe, after- 
 wards in the waggon-train, or gunner- 
 drivers. In the coal-trade he was not 
 long: besides, turning the honest pen- 
 ny is never derogatory. 
 
 As to his debts, we well know that 
 he is now submitting to honourable, 
 meritorious, and voluntary privations, 
 to discharge them ; and we wish that 
 many lords and commoners would there- 
 in imitate his example; whilst his ad- 
 herence to his chere amie^ who has fol- 
 lowed his various fortunes, is a further 
 proof of an honest and true heart, 
 D S
 
 54? THE STEYNE. 
 
 CAPTAIN CHARLES FESTIVE, 
 
 There is in this character a strange 
 mixture of grave and gay, of witty and 
 severe, of bacchanalian riot, and of pure 
 delicacy of sentiment. In-his habits, 
 the most sensual and saturnine hu- 
 mours blend; his compositions combine 
 the greatest libertinism and the most 
 exquisite satire. At one time, pen- 
 sive to a degree of melancholy, his 
 ideas flow in the tenderest strain of 
 sympathy ; at another, his festive soul 
 bursts forth in the most rapturous and 
 heated devotion to the most boundless 
 and unrestrained delights. Those who 
 (like ourselves) were in continued
 
 THE STEYNE. 65 
 
 habits of enjoying his society, would 
 consider him at one time as a stoic and 
 a philosopher ; at another, as an epi- 
 curean, and a giddy rambler through 
 pleasurable life. Such are the contra- 
 dictions of his character, that although 
 he might truly say with the great and 
 social C— -^ F—— , 
 
 *' Is't ambition that fills up each chink of my 
 
 heart, 
 And allows not a softer sensation a part ? 
 Ah ! no — for in this all the world will agree, 
 One folly was never sufficient for me." 
 
 Yet, in one thing he was consistent, 
 and in one point all his acquaintance 
 coincided in opinion, namely, of his 
 possession of eminent talent. If thi^^ 
 quality be allowed to run in blood, 
 and to be perpetuated in families, Cap- 
 D 4
 
 66 THE STEYNE. 
 
 tain F ■ ^ would strengthen the doc- 
 trine ; for he certainly sprang from a 
 family of ability, and of a cast not 
 dissimilar from his own. His father 
 we have heard quoted as an excel- 
 lent companion, and as a good scho- 
 lar, who also occasionally indulged his 
 muse, publishing her inspirations ; and, 
 amongst other light poetical morceaux, 
 he composed the excellent song on 
 Kitty Crowder, the chorus of which 
 humourously runs as follows : 
 
 ** With ev'ry soft enchanting grace, 
 The queen of lore endow'd her. 
 
 But Bacchus gave that ruby face 
 To the charqaing Kitty Crowder." 
 
 And these very lines are adapted ta 
 the same tune as those of Charles, in
 
 THE STEYNE. ^7 
 
 his loose, but celebrated song of Jenny 
 Sutton, which, as far as the refrein goes, 
 appears like a parody ; for instance : 
 
 '' For ev'ry whim alike f)repar*d, 
 
 She valu'd not a button. 
 And culls of ev'ry humour shared 
 
 The charms of Jenny Sutton*" 
 
 His brother, Captain Thomas, was 
 likewise a man of mind, an elegant 
 classic, and a distinguished gentleman 
 actor. He translated the satires of Ju- 
 venal in a style above mediocrity, and 
 has been the author of other composi- 
 tions, which clearly prove him not to 
 have written invita minerva. 
 
 Captain Festive sprang from a Cam- 
 brian family, which, for three genera- 
 tions, was military, and which had all, 
 at times, served in the — regt. of 
 D 5
 
 5S THE STEYNE. 
 
 foot. He was himself in his brother 
 Thomas's company in that regiment ; 
 and what was singular enough, his fa- 
 ther was Captain Festive, his brother 
 Captain Festive, and h\mseU the Cap- 
 tain Festive known and quoted by all 
 the sons of harmony and conviviality. 
 The Life Guards was, however, his 
 great scene of action ; and it was du- 
 ring his service in that corps that he 
 was honoured with the friendship of 
 his prince, and with the acquaint- 
 ance of the royal dukes ; and was the 
 pride of all the festive circles of the 
 nobility, gentry, and of men of social 
 turn and talent. 
 
 From the nature and complexion of 
 the captain's songs, one might naturally 
 think him not very much suited for
 
 THE STEYNE. 59 
 
 matrimony: he, however, ventured on 
 that uncertain state ; but the chains 
 of wedlock proved too heavy, and were 
 eventually broken asunder. 
 
 Amongst many distinguished com- 
 panions who found high entertainment 
 and resource in Captain Festive's so- 
 ciety, was a late duke ; and we regret 
 at the present day, not to see theunique 
 British poet, who has been the asso- 
 ciate of so many illustrious personages, 
 and the delight of so many high circles, 
 who has raised many a sinking heart, 
 and gilded many a mirthful hour, in 
 more affluent circumstances, and in 
 higher estimation as an author, than 
 (on account of his mixed compositions) 
 he at this moment stands.
 
 60 THE STEYNE, 
 
 LORD WILDLING. 
 
 Previous to the French revolution, 
 we remember an old Roman Catholic 
 officer, retired from the Irish brigade, 
 serving the legitimate monarchy of the 
 Bourbons, a good deal broken by sen- 
 suality, and a little bent by age. In 
 his declining days, he used to be a 
 mixed character; sometimes thinking 
 of religion, and sometimes seasoning 
 his moral lessons ; or, perhaps, drown- 
 ing remembrance in the purple tide; 
 and, like Anacreon, blending the flower 
 of youth with the hoary frost of age : in 
 other words, he indulged in the plea- 
 sures of youth just as our extravagants 
 do in those of the dessert, which be- 
 come more exquisite from being forced, 
 and out of nature's season.
 
 THE STEYN^. 61 
 
 In the hideous intervals which grave- 
 ly step in betwixt our illicit pleasures, 
 it occurred to this disciple of Epicurus 
 that all was vanity, disappointment, 
 and vexation; and we doubt not but 
 the young ladies who called upon him 
 in transparent drapery from the Palais' 
 Royale were of the same opinion:-— 
 Tiimporte. In these unwelcome and 
 unpleasant months, the old militaire 
 used to dread lest his name should pe- 
 rish in oblivion, and that no one wor- 
 thy of representing it should be found 
 in the green island from whence it 
 sprung. Under this apprehension, he 
 despatched his very faithful steward, to 
 rake up a cousin the nearest of kin, 
 though distant enough of all conscience, 
 and to make a gentleman of him— nay,
 
 69 THE STEYNE. 
 
 more, to make a nobleman of him ; for 
 we forgot to tell our readers that the 
 body in question, whom nobody cared 
 for, was a lord. 
 
 The steward returned with a clumsy 
 boy, whose head did not seem to us 
 very fit for a coronet: but there is no 
 saying what heads may bear. He was 
 accordingly brought, and introduced to 
 his lordship, who gave him every whole- 
 some advice, recommending to him to 
 persevere in the religion of his ances- 
 tors, which, if no greater in quantity 
 than the old lord's, could not have been 
 very troublesome to him. Little, how- 
 ever, as it might have been, it was found 
 burdensome to the present peer, al- 
 though his shoulders did not announce 
 particular unfitness for burdens ; and
 
 THE STEYNE. 63 
 
 he accordingly threw it off. His friends 
 called him, for the first and last time, 
 a sensible fellow ; whilst his enemies 
 represented him as an apostate. 
 
 We afterwards saw the ennobled 
 youth grow into stoutness and conse- 
 quence. We remember his thrashing 
 a coachman ; we have observed him 
 occasionally in high spirits^ and we 
 were told that he could drink a great 
 deal. He married early in life a spi- 
 4_I rited lady, who figured in a caricature 
 as one of three graces. She could 
 j j swear, drive, and excel in many fa- 
 shionable pastimes ; she made no in- 
 considerable degree of noise in the gay 
 world; and the peer was pointed out 
 to us as her husband. 
 
 These were the leading features of
 
 64 THE STEYNE. 
 
 the character and behaviour of th€! 
 two last lords. The present peer has 
 had a rise in the gazette ; and it 
 would edify us much to learn for 
 what particular act or acts of valour 
 and renown, or for what particular ser- 
 vice or services rendered to the state, 
 or to mankind, this Right Honourable 
 person has been elevated to an earldom. 
 
 SIR THOMAS MERCURY. 
 
 The ancients, with much ingenuity, 
 gave to Apollo, to Bacchus, and to 
 Mercury, the gift of perpetual youth. 
 They were called Imberbis Apollo^ 
 " Bacchus ever fair and ever young.*' — 
 Dryden, et cetera et cetera; in the first 
 place, because immutability of age is 
 well fitted to immortality; and in the
 
 THE STEYNE. 65 
 
 next, because it would have rendered 
 these deities ridiculous to have bestow- 
 ed antiquity of form upon them. 
 
 It does, however, on the contrary, 
 occur in our days, that ancient Apollos 
 run after young Daphnes with the 
 same naughty ideas in their heads as 
 Apollo is represented to have had in 
 his pursuit of that chaste nymph, who 
 was transformed in to a laurel. Itm^^^t, 
 however, be allowed that their age 
 makes them ridiculous ; and the witty 
 poets were well aware of this fact, in 
 the personification of their characters. 
 A superannuated Bacchus, again, 
 would not be '* flushed with a purple 
 grace i*'* but a most preposterous, con- 
 temptible, and stupid being; for, in 
 spite of all that Anacreon and his hap-
 
 66 THE STEYNE. 
 
 py translator, Moore, have done, old age 
 m venere el vino will ever be disgust- 
 ing. 
 
 From venere et vino we pass to Mer- 
 cury, that witty, mirthful, and mischief- 
 making god of the ancients, the premier 
 intriguant of the court of Jove, bearing 
 flashes of humour in his brain, and 
 wings at his feet, as the great messen- 
 ger of love ; a plain proof that negotia- 
 tions of this kind are performed with 
 celerity, and attended with inconstancy ; 
 for, Monsieur Beaumarchais informs 
 us, in Figaro. 
 
 ^' Si Tamour porte des ailes 
 N'est 'ce pas pour voltiger?" 
 
 Yc am*rous flutt'rers, tell me why 
 Should love have wings, unless to fly ? 
 
 In fine, this facundus nepos atlaniis^
 
 THE STEYNE. 67 
 
 or what other of his many names we 
 please to call him, would be a most lu- 
 dicrous figure indeed, with grey hairs 
 on his head, wrinkles of time on his 
 forehead, pits of the small-pox on his 
 cheek, and decayed teeth apparent in 
 his smiles. Such 2i plenipotentiary would 
 never suit the amours of the gods ; 
 such an emissary would not be allowed 
 to produce his credentials to the giddy 
 goddesses of Olympus^ nor be permitted 
 to be the accredited ambassador of 
 love : the charm of the celestial in-- 
 trigue would be broken by passing 
 through such a medium ; the wand of 
 enchantment would fall out of such a 
 tremulous hand, Emblematicals, sym- 
 bolicals, fables, tropes, and figures of 
 speech, do very well in love, unless the
 
 6% THE STEYNE. 
 
 bearer thereof be a figure of speech him* 
 self. Such personification alarms un- 
 decided chastity, and frightens the airy 
 vision from the mind. 
 
 Neanmoins, there exists a son of 
 faded chivalry, a knight, npt of the 
 order of the lilt/ or o{ Jidelify, nor even 
 of the ancient order of the garter; but 
 of the crescent, or iron crown, we 
 know not which, who, looking not 
 only like the ghost of a departed Mer- 
 cury, but with thin and nimble legs 
 drawn into old-fashioned silken hose, 
 frequently with the discarded spencer, 
 or middle garment shorn of it's tail, 
 without wit in his brain, or wing at his 
 heel, is engaged (we are informed) in 
 mercurial missions, in nocturnal nego- 
 tiations, and is, at his time of life,
 
 THE STEYNE. 69 
 
 the trusty bearer of the sweet billet 
 doux. 
 
 Whether the love sonnet or amatory 
 epistle breathe odours or not, we have 
 not been circumstantially informed; 
 but certain we are, that the baronet 
 does tiot. Could he call back into ex- 
 istence the graces of a brother well 
 known in the annals of gallantry, the 
 title of excellency might be accorded to 
 his successor, whilst the suavity of 
 Sir might give a polish and a co- 
 louring to any transaction. Not so 
 with this envoy, not to foreign courts, 
 but to coi/r/-ing foreign or domestic 
 connexions-^ for he is at present deemed 
 neither " Suaviter in modo^ nor for- 
 tiler in re^ 
 
 A lame lover and a lame horse are
 
 70 THE STEYNE. 
 
 no worse than a broken-down beauty, 
 or a battered beau : and if a libidinous 
 proposal were to be conveyed by Mo- 
 ther Shipton, the arrow of love would 
 be harmless. From all these consi- 
 derations we advise the baronet, who 
 is a scholar, and a genilenianly reader, 
 to banish the Art of Love, the Meta- 
 morphoses, and all other such heating 
 and unsafe subjects from his library, 
 and to peruse with attention the more 
 serious passages of Horace, particu- 
 larly bearing in mind the following 
 lines: 
 
 '^ Solve senescentem mature sanus equum, ne 
 " Peccet adextremum ridendus^ et ilia ducat."
 
 THE STEYNE. 71 
 
 LORD VICTORY. _ y^ ^ ...^^ 
 
 It would be useless and presump- 
 tuous either to attempt a studied pa- 
 negyric, or to give a detailed life of 
 the late Lord Victory. But there are 
 a few points of his character so little 
 known, and still less understood, that 
 they may merit explanation, and may 
 be worthy of notoriety. To chronicle 
 
 the fame of Lord V would, in the 
 
 first place, take volumes upon vo- 
 lumes ; and, in the next, would be 
 performing a most arduous task, with- 
 out any added effect. Fame has, upon 
 her ether wing, borne his name and 
 his renown to the remotest parts of the 
 world, from the rising to the setting 
 sun, from the equator to the pole.
 
 72 THE STEYNE. 
 
 His name will never die until time be 
 no more; his spirit will never decay 
 , I whilst there exists the bosom of a 
 — r Briton to cherish the vital spark. He 
 will be recorded, idolized, and wept 
 to the most distant period, 
 C^ ^ Of a delicate structure, of a reflective 
 mind, stronijly tinged with melancho- 
 ly, retired and domestic in his habits, 
 it might have been imagined that he 
 was ill fitted for war and hardship. 
 But, what nature had denied him in 
 bodily strength, she had lavishly made 
 up in mental capacity. He had a 
 mind which soared above all petty cal- 
 culations and minor considerations, 
 and possessed a decision which led 
 him to the most intrepid undertakings, 
 to conceiving and compassing the most i
 
 THE STEYKE. 73 
 
 arduous objects. Warmed with the 
 most sublime patriotism, he lived but 
 to exalt his country's glory — he breath- 
 ed only to place her fame at the 
 pinnacle of admiration. As he had 
 contempt for bodily ease or comfort, 
 so he had a total and heroic disregard 
 of danger. He went a willing victim 
 to his country's safety and renown ; 
 and seemed, from the moment that he 
 entered on his profession, to devote bis 
 life to this great end, with the firm be- j 
 lief, which he expressed to many of 
 his intimates, that he was to breathe 
 his last in the arms of victory, under 
 the British flag. It might be said that " 
 he bled at every vein to serve his dear 
 country. Wounds, privation of the or- 
 gan of sight on one side, loss of limb, 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 74 THE STEYNE. 
 
 sickness, fatigue, exhaustion, debility 
 of frame, consumption of strength, sa- 
 crifice of ease and comfort, every 
 thing most valuable to the selfish or 
 sensual man, did he immolate on the 
 altar of patriotism. 
 
 Little versed in the mean arts of 
 lesser men, and wholly unacquainted 
 with worldliness, his intercourse with 
 man~ and womankind was confined, 
 jlfienerous in heart, feeling, and full of 
 ; sympathy, he would easily have been 
 engaged in friendship, and as readily 
 have been attached in love ; but, pair- 
 ed with materials very different from 
 those of which his mind and heart were 
 composed, he early felt the want of that 
 domestic comfort on which he might 
 have rested in the brief hour of peace—
 
 THE STEYNE. 75 
 
 in the short interval betwixt active 
 service, imminent peril, and momen- 
 tary recreation. Lauded, admired, and 
 sought every where but at homei 
 where complaining and reproach form- 
 ed a sad contrast to the merited recep- 
 tion which he met with elsewhere, he 
 naturally turned from the spot ; his 
 heart sickened and revolted, and was 
 at last completely estranged. 
 
 The connexion which he formed 
 with a certain lady has been the cause 
 of much blame, and of much ungrate- 
 ful calumny. It was certainly, in its if 
 Gommencement, of a purely platonic 
 kind ; nor is it much to be wondered h- 
 that it afterwards assumed a warmer | 
 complexion, when we reflect that that I 
 hand led him on to glory, that that l 
 E 2
 
 76 THE STEYNE. 
 
 head planned and devised means of in-' 
 telligence which paved the way to his 
 boldest enterprizes, that the flattering 
 distinction of a crowned head, and the 
 praises of the admiring world, followed 
 those valourous achievements, and that 
 the unfortunate lady, now no more, pos- 
 sessed a devotion to his glory, to his 
 welfare, and to his interest, which 
 knew no bounds, and hesitated at no 
 means to promote these ends. She 
 was, moreover, the depository of every 
 secret of his life, as well as the fre- 
 quent adviser, or rather approver, of 
 his laudibly ambitious projects ; and, 
 lastly, she was of that cheerful turn 
 which beguiled many a tedious hour, 
 smoothed many a rough moment of 
 melancholy musing, and banished many
 
 fHE STEVNE. 77 
 
 an unwelcome intrusion of painful re- 
 membrance. 
 
 The hero has left nothing behind 
 him to represent what he was. His 
 daughter, whose origin is a mystery, 
 and is rather supposed to be sprung 
 from royal blood, has something of his 
 physique^ but nothing of the morale; 
 and it is sincerely to be regretted that 
 in every point of view we have to say, 
 that, 
 
 " Take him all in all, 
 
 We ne'er shall look upon his like again." 
 
 / Hallowed ! thrice hallowed be his 
 memory ! Well it deserves the voice 
 of fame, and truly may we hope that 
 the words of the most eloquent Roman 
 are true, which state that 
 
 E S
 
 78 THE STEYNE. 
 
 *' Omnibus qui patriam conservaverint, adjuve- 
 
 rint auxerint 
 Certus est in Caelo et definitus locus, ubibeatiaevo 
 
 Sempiterno fruantur," 
 
 Cic. Som. Scip. 
 
 SIR WILLIAM CHEER, KNT# 
 
 The title of knight, although once 
 the pride of chivalry and the admira- 
 tion of Christianity; although the boast 
 of beauty, and the soul of arms, is now 
 become so contemptible, that it is ne- 
 cessary to explain how persons are 
 knighted, and of what order. Simple 
 knights are now so multiplied, that 
 a man may be afraid to cough at 
 his window for fear of insulting some 
 mirror of knighthood, some looking- 
 glass, or chamber-knight, and there-
 
 THE STEYNE. 79 
 
 by be called out to single combat with 
 a man of title but not of birth, of nobi- 
 lity, but not of distinction. We have 
 city knights, who may be fairly called 
 the knights of the kitchen ; we have 
 knights of the address, or Peg Nichol- 
 son's knights, who have, however, atU 
 dress enough to get rich wives some- 
 times, and to play off their title to the 
 best effect ; then there are dancing- 
 masters, and singing-masters, tooth- 
 drawers and apothecaries, who slip into 
 the order of knighthood, just as the 
 most active and impudent do into the 
 best places in a crowded theatre, mere- 
 ly by thrusting their betters into se- 
 cond places, or perhaps no places at 
 alL 
 
 Nay, it sometimes happens (by ac- 
 E 4-
 
 so THE STEYKE. 
 
 cident we hope) that these knightsi 
 grow all of a sudden into baronets, and 
 thus take precedence of themselves, 
 i. e* are pu^ above themselves. We have 
 one knight-barO' knight as the vulgar 
 call it, whose father^ no one denies^ was 
 a music-master ; and we have another 
 knight who smartly commands the 
 
 -^ ; draws a long bow too^ and 
 
 fiddles with ladies in the first circles. 
 We have a civic-aldermanic baronety 
 just madey who ought to be called the 
 knight of the saucepan; and we were 
 very near having a knight in apple-pie 
 order (a crusty fellow, very likely), who 
 also filled the civic chair; but his no- 
 bility went off in ^puff. 
 
 We have law-knights and gospel- 
 knights, and Athenian ovGreekkx\\%h\.s^
 
 THE STEYNE. 81 
 
 who are not to be confounded with the 
 nodes aitici, which might indeed hie 
 translated knights of the garret, instead 
 of Athenian knights. Some of these 
 knights also have been white-washed 
 (fair enough of them — a clean trick 
 too J, and some still remain in banco 
 regis, or perhaps are knights of the 
 Fleet, though not naval knights. 
 
 Of none of these orders, however, is 
 the valiant knight here alluded to. He 
 is really a fighting man: he received 
 the illustrious order of Maria Theresa, 
 for chivalrous service performed in 
 the field of fight, in day and hour of 
 danger; and we should not have paid 
 him the ill compliment of bringing him 
 in with this motley band, but as a 
 bright contrast, and as a hint of what a 
 E 6
 
 82 THE STEYNE. 
 
 knight should be. Can there be any 
 thing more ridiculous than a knight 
 beating time to, and taking his guinea 
 for, salfaing and salfeeing it at a board- 
 ing-school, and giving a lesson to a 
 rich cheesemonger or coal-merchant*s 
 daughter ? or stooping down and ad- 
 justing the feet of a Lady Betty (rather 
 too easy a footing to be on), and hop- 
 ping like a frog, in order to shew her a 
 new step for a quadrille ? or, finally, 
 tugging at a dowager's tusk for half-an- 
 hour, to the accompanyment of oh \ 
 Sir John; dear Sir John; sweet Sir 
 John ; no, Sir John ; don't. Sir John ; 
 do, Sir John \ Out with such knights. 
 Sir William's field of performance, 
 though he is no enemy to attending 
 on young misses and Lady Bettys
 
 THE STEYNE. 83 
 
 in another way, has been very different. 
 He has been an officer all his life ; has 
 risen to high rank ; has served his 
 country abroad and at home ; had de* 
 servedly a share of favour with his 
 prince ; and is now, we hope, enjoy- 
 ing the otium cum dtgnitate which his 
 situation may procure him. 
 
 Were we inclined to be severe, we 
 might dwell a little upon his adven- 
 tures amongst the northern cyprians 
 and Hottentot venuses; and his coming 
 home by accident from a right ho- 
 nourable's house, at the break of day, 
 I with a cotton nightcap under his hat, 
 . 1 which, in his speedy retreat, he forgot 
 j to take off. We might also say, that 
 we heard that he was appointed to a 
 staff situation, and sent abroad, by a
 
 S4 THE STEYNIL. 
 
 noble commander, for fear of his making 
 too deep an impression on a fair dump- 
 lings But we shall forbear ; for bra- 
 very and good fellowship cover a muU 
 titude of sins ; and, for these two qua- 
 lities, and goodness of heart, Sir Wil- 
 liam is deservedly noted.
 
 THE STEYNE. 85 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 The scene at the palace was now 
 greatly changed. Lord Leg informe4 
 the great founder of the feast that Lord 
 Heathermount would make one of the 
 dinner party ; that he was deeply ena- 
 moured with the ignis fatuus of an 
 incognita, who had been prepared for 
 him; that the hoax had completely 
 succeeded so far ; and that it only re- 
 mained to prolong the farce, and to 
 lead him a dance still farther. Sir 
 Cranberry Hobblesdown was put up 
 to the joke; and Old Anchor, the 
 admiral, who had been so often had
 
 S6 THE STEYNE. 
 
 himself, was quite delighted at the 
 idea of contributing to play off the 
 peer. 
 
 The folding doors opened, and he 
 entered. '* Thrice welcome, worthy 
 don/' " Live ten thousand years, 
 most powerful signor,'* replied the 
 general : and, after a hearty shake of 
 the hand, they sat down to the festive 
 board. It was night; or, rather, in- 
 trusive day was excluded ; odours 
 burned in all directions; a thousand 
 lamps glittered in the regal hall ; offi- 
 cial attendants swarmed like animal- 
 cule in the sun's beam ; the table 
 groaned under the weight of massy 
 plate and delicious viands; rich and 
 expensive wines flowed like rivers to 
 slack the fevered lip of intemperance.
 
 THE STEYNE. 87 
 
 A stranger would here have consi- 
 dered himself in the age of gold, where 
 
 <' Flumina jam lactis, jam nectaris flamina 
 
 ibunt • 
 
 " Flayaque de viridi stillalust illice mella." ^^^M^^'^ 
 
 The horn of plenty flourished b 
 amidst many other gilded horns; and 
 the beholder must have thousrht that 
 there could be no misery, no want, in 
 that land which bore so great a chief. 
 Like the bright star of the evening, he 
 sat in majestic portliness at the head 
 of his table: his twinkling satellites 
 shone dimly around him. 
 '* Yc little stars, hide your diminish'd heads." 
 
 ** Pledge me the cup,'^ cried the glo- 
 rious host. *' You look like a love- 
 
 r 
 
 sick swain, Heathermount,^' conti- 
 nued he.—" A round of beauties."
 
 88 THE STEYNE. 
 
 *' Now give the hautboys breath." 
 
 Soft music answered his command. 
 
 *' Friend of my soul, this goblet sip, 
 *' *Twiil chase that pensive tear ; 
 eh'*' 'Tis not so sweet as woman's lip, 
 T__ But, ah ! 'tis more sincere." 
 
 " Admirably appropriate/^ said Sir 
 Cranberry. " Admirable ! admirable ! 
 indeed 1" responded all in chorus. 
 *' My dear moon-struck swine (swain, 
 I meant),'' exclaimed Lord Les^, ** do 
 take another glass ; or, if liqueur will 
 better succeed to raise the spirits, in- 
 corporate that with your nobility, and 
 let us hear from you.^' " How ad- 
 mirably our benefactor looks/' said 
 the admiral, in a plajliouse^Vk^i^sper. 
 " Yes,"' said Lord Leg : " he looks 
 as fresh as a rose/*
 
 THE STEYNE. 89 
 
 Another song was now called for; 
 and, out of compliment to the illus- 
 trious chairman, " Come tell me, says 
 Rosa,'' was sung. At each verse a 
 smile adorned the gracious counte* 
 nance to which it was addressed, and 
 significant looks were cast round the 
 table. The admiral looked about to 
 I see if he ought to laugh ; and then ..^_ 
 
 j roared like a boatswain. Sir Jasmin^^ '*^ 
 Blossom kept his eye upon the fleugel- "^'*^ 
 man'; and, taking his time from him, 
 €2/€s right, smiled because he did. 
 f Lord Heathermount sat in elegant 
 Y composure ; and, with a look of self- 
 satisfaction, seemed to say, '* this song 
 must have been sung out of compli- 
 ment to me, nothing being more ap- 
 propriate.
 
 90 THE STEYNE. 
 
 A motion was made to encore the 
 song ; but the illustrious president 
 modestly and facetiously observed, 
 that " time was when he could have 
 encored every verse, but semel was very 
 well now/' " Glorious ! Illustrious ! 
 Superb! Magnificent! What a hit! 
 Admirable! Superlative! Inimitable'." 
 echoed from that part of the company 
 which usually gave toyigue together, 
 " ly — d good,'^ uttered th^e slon) hound, 
 Lord Leg ; and this seemed to please best 
 of all, b e ca u s e i t a p pe a red most n at^u raj^ 
 
 A servant now whispered Lord Hea- 
 thermount that a message had arrived 
 from a lady, which could be delivered 
 only to his lordship personally. He 
 looked all confusion ; but a preventing 
 glance from the transcendent host set
 
 f 
 
 THE STEYNE. 91 
 
 him at ease : it was accompanied by a 
 kind and dignified look, peculiar to 
 the exalted personage who filled the 
 chair. 
 
 And here we must observe, that 
 that politeness which seems to proceed 
 direct from the heart, and is overlooked 
 only by the head in order to perfect 
 and refine it, but not to check its 
 warmth, nor to mar its benevolence, 
 belongs to this personage distinctly and 
 separately from every other individual 
 of Europe, be his ease, his elegance, 
 and finish of perfection, what they may. 
 " Go,'^ said the condescending presi- 
 dent ; " go, my lord : although the 
 state does not demand you, the fair 
 sex does: and woman is certainly a 
 pillar of the state/' " Aye, and of 
 
 /^ 
 
 'T-j,-*-*: — .'
 
 99 THE STt\^Kli» 
 
 the church too," added Lord Leg | 
 ** for I am sure many a bishop has 
 found it so." 
 
 *' Church and state"' were now pro- 
 posed as a toast, under tvhich much is 
 implied. It is an old toast; but it 
 does not please the less for that in the 
 quarter where it was given. Lord 
 
 offered an amendment, which 
 
 was " the Protestant interest." It 
 passed nem. con. and seemed to turn 
 the head of one or two in the company. 
 " Nobody," observed the noble chair- 
 man, " has a greater right to give that 
 toast than the learned lord in question ; 
 for he must be a judge of both." 
 *' Delicious pun,^' cried Sir Jasmin 
 Blossom, " for the learned ■ 
 was a judge.'" ** A judge of what ?-"
 
 THE STEYNE. 93 
 
 said Lord Leg. " Of things in gene^ 
 ral^^ replied Sir Jasmin : '' for/' con- 
 tinued the lively president, " the state 
 is indebted to him for his exertions in 
 jurisprudence; and the church owes 
 him something for leading three suc- 
 cessive brides to the altar*"' 
 
 '* And, when fourscore, 
 
 Will make up four," 
 
 humourously interrupted Lord Leg. 
 Then, turning to his neighbour, in a 
 whisper, he said, " I wonder what the 
 devil our patron can find in old 
 to make him such a fa- 
 vourite, unless it be a taste for anti- 
 quities ! I hate these limbs of the 
 law,^* continued he ; '* I would as leave 
 See a limb of the devil/' " That you 
 can do any day you like, in your
 
 94 THE STEYNE. 
 
 looking-glass^'** replied the admiral, 
 giving him thus the retort courteous, 
 " Thank you for the reflection," re- 
 joined Lord Leg ; " though, d n it, 
 
 admiral, it's not quite fair to be thus 
 firing shot and shell at my weak part. 
 I am sure 1 never touch upon your 
 head.** This was a hit, a palpable 
 hit— a touch that crowned the whole ; 
 for he silenced all the admirals tier of 
 guns for the rest of the night. 
 
 " The protestant interest'* seemed to 
 stick in the throat of Sir Cranberry 
 Hobblestown ; but the amiable master 
 removed it by another toast — namely, 
 " to the perpetual harmony of the 
 united kingdom ; and to our relations 
 of amity all over the world." This 
 was allowed to be the most exquisite
 
 THE STEYNE. 95 
 
 representation of love and friendship 
 that ever had been given, and truly 
 worthy of the head and heart from 
 which it proceeded. A benignant look 
 from the beloved commander set every 
 thing right again. The learned judge 
 rose up to reply in the form of grateful 
 thanks, made a long speech, in which 
 there was nothing; but he spoke so 
 low that he was heard but by few ; 
 whilst the non audientes praised the 
 harangue very much, and thought 
 more of it than any body else. *« I 
 can't hear a word that he says,** said 
 some one/' " Tant mieux pourvous," 
 replied Leg. " I fear that I am a little 
 deaf on the right side,'^ observed Sir 
 Jasmin Blossom. " Then that's the 
 right ^\dQ to turn to the speaker," added
 
 96 THE STEYNE. 
 
 Lord Leg : " if I was deaf on either 
 side, I would sit nearer the legal 
 orator." 
 
 Lord Union now arose, and in the 
 name of the united kingdom, whose 
 dearest interests he had at heart, grace- 
 fully returned thanks for the compli- 
 ment which was not intended for him. 
 " A 6w//, by the powers !^' cried Lord 
 Leg, half audibly ; but the speech 
 went off very well, and so did the next 
 glass of champagne, although loth were 
 considered very f rot hi/: but a few words 
 on Lord Union^s character. 
 
 ^^^^^^^^fi LORD UNION. 
 
 If a young, interested, and unskilful 
 surgeon were to lacerate our flesh, or 
 fracture a bone, with the view merely
 
 THE STEYNE. 97 
 
 of healing the one and setting the 
 other: if, moreover, the pain arising" 
 from the previous operation, and the 
 deformity produced by the subsequent 
 process, were excessive, we should 
 think it hard to be forced to pay the 
 treacherous operator, and should deem 
 it unjust that a reputation should be 
 built on such a foundation. Such, how- 
 ever, was the suffering case of the 
 , which owes its perilous inflam- 
 mation, reduced by copious bleeding 
 and other lowering remedies, to the in- 
 cautious hand of violence, and its cure 
 to the clumsy junction of two bodies, 
 like modern man and wife, joairef/ but 
 I not matched, united but not attached. 
 The noble peer in question has, ne- 
 vertheless, the credit of the agency in 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 i)S THE STEYNE. 
 
 this job ; and possesses a smooth oil of 
 diction calculated to float on the sur- 
 face of acidities and asperitfes, so as to 
 conceal and cover their appearance and 
 effect. The mixture, however, thus 
 made up, still sticks in the stomachs 
 of his countrytnen, and is not so pa- 
 latable as this ministerial doctor would 
 have it believed. 
 
 Difference of opinion on this subject 
 brought the lively Mr. ■ and him- 
 
 s€lf into an affair of honour, the 
 former accusing him of an abandon- 
 ment of principle, which (to use the 
 noble lord's own words) " makes a man 
 turn his back upon himself* Here 
 
 * Singular as this expression may appear, it 
 is not the most singular of the noble peer's fa- 
 brication. — This minister has discovered an aiti»
 
 THE STEYNE. y^ 
 
 the honourable gentleman might in- 
 deed have said, that the peer only iurn* 
 ed his back upon his country^ the reci- 
 procity of xvhicli conduct he will ex- 
 perience from the natale solum as long 
 as he lives. 
 
 In spite of these just and natural re- 
 flections and remarks, his lordship has 
 still a sort of renown to boast, namely, 
 not having fought for his country, but 
 for himself, and having done a thing 
 which is very difficult to do in a duel, 
 namely, bringing himself and his ho- 
 nour out of the fight in the status quo 
 ante bellurn^ i. e. neither better nor 
 worse; and it is a great mercy that such 
 
 tude which merits a patent, namely, that of 
 standing prostrate ; and he down faces us by an 
 argumentum a posteriori^ that there are /wn<ia- 
 mjgntal features in a case. 
 F §
 
 IfO THE STEYXE. 
 
 a champion should be preserved in 
 these troublesome times, when uoion 
 exists without harmony, and nei^h- 
 bourhood without friendly intercourse. 
 It is said that he proposed a new 
 map of Ireland, to be published imme- 
 diately, and a new coinage to be struck : 
 the one is to be so simplified as to re- 
 duce the whole of the former into the 
 King's County ; the latter is to convert 
 a pound to a crown, and to do away 
 the impression of its ancient arms. The 
 whole to be dedicated to his lordship. 
 
 At this juncture. Lord Heather- 
 mount returned to the gay circle, which 
 had now become pretty well hacchi 
 plerms. " You have lost a great deal 
 by being absent/' exclaimed the noble
 
 »«. iTETSE.
 
 102 THF. STEYNE. 
 
 uame may not be profaned/^ '' Oh l^' 
 said Leg, *' hail to thee, Thane of — .*^ 
 *' Silence/' said the august chief. — " A 
 song from a melodious neighbour; one 
 verse of vvliich is very applicable to the 
 present case ; it runs as follows: 
 
 " Your heart may boast 
 A favourite toast, 
 iT And mine some partial Re eling ; 
 I Whilst through the glass 
 y ' The thought shall pass, 
 4^We'll taste without revealing. 
 No eye shall mark 
 The sacred spark ; 
 No tongue profane the rapture : 
 The vital flame, 
 t.)Too dear to name 
 In folly's heedless chapter." 
 
 Morris. 
 
 During the song, a private signal was 
 thrown out, to follow the lady, and to 
 bring back word of what weight and
 
 THE STEYNE. 105 
 
 calibre she micrht he. " IMI bet three 
 
 o 
 
 to two," said Lord Leg, " that in age 
 she is not under fifty (here some of the 
 fair ones bridled up) ; and,'* continued 
 he, " I will volunteer a song to her 
 honour/' " Agreed !'^ 
 
 THE KISS. 
 
 Long have I sedulously tried 
 My fair one's lips to pre€s ; 
 
 Long has the cruel maid denied 
 My ardent hopes to bless. 
 
 At length the lovely girl complies, 
 At^d grants the balmy treasure ; 
 
 Loye sparkles in her brilliant eyes, 
 And every look is pleasure. 
 
 Kitty! I thank thee for the kiss, 
 Of each dull care the soother, 
 ; But Oh ! when next thou grant'st the bliss, 
 -J— -—Pray — shave a little smoother! 
 
 This was an attack a la harbe des 
 Athentes ; and, after three glasses more, 
 F 4
 
 104 THE STEYNB. 
 
 the ladies retired. The wine was too 
 powerful for two or three noddles in 
 company; and, the protestant interest, 
 union, et cetera^ being the only ideas 
 which run in the head of a tho^ightless 
 young nian of the Tenth Huzzars ; and 
 for the best reason in the world — be- 
 cause these subjects found a vacant 
 place to occupy, he' began to think 
 that he might sport his politics, and 
 w^as just setting off with the word re- 
 form in his mouth, when Lord Hea- 
 thermount stopped him, saying, '' hold 
 your tongue: do you know where you 
 are ? Reform indeed ! A pretty joke 
 here! the arcon who had only just 
 caught the sounds: " High Sir, my 
 lords and gentlemen^ I conceive" — 
 asked what his worthy brother in arms
 
 THE STEYNE. 105 
 
 conceived.^ " He has miscarried" hu- 
 mourously observed Lord Leg; " for 
 he has brought forth nothing but a 
 laugh. *^ •' Dt liver us/*' said a wag, 
 '* Aye ; deliver any thing but those 
 sentiments/* whispered Heathermount. 
 *' Why, you are yery far gotie.*' " Not 
 so far as 1 could wish him," muttered 
 the peer ; and the young soldier coming 
 to the recover shortly afterwards, faced 
 about, and broke ranks. 
 
 It was now circulated, by a slip of 
 paper, dexterouslyand ingeniously sent, 
 that the lady had been discovered, and 
 that she turned out to be none other 
 than Mrs. S — -, a well known cour- 
 tesan, who was recognized by the pa- 
 tron's people on account of her black 
 servant who followed her. A roar of
 
 106 THE STEYNfe, 
 
 mirth succeeded this disclosure; and 
 never was more interest created in the 
 crew when the Strai2;hts of Magellan 
 were discovered, than on this most in- 
 teresting occasion of discovering the 
 rea/ name of the inquiring lady. 
 
 Lord H. was roasted on this sub- 
 ject in a most masterly manner, till the 
 topic was changed by an observation 
 that his lordship had just discharged 
 Nero, his black footman, for an act of 
 immorality, namely, leaving a family- 
 picture to my lord's chamber-maid. 
 On this occasion it was remarked that 
 the black might have made a similar 
 answer to his master as the Irishman 
 did to the Jew, who, on observing to 
 Paddy that he would die in his shoes, 
 received this reply :—" And what the
 
 THE STEYNE. 107 
 
 devil's that to vou ; do vou want to 
 have all the gallows to yourself?*' So 
 might blackey have said — '' And do 
 you want to have the whole sex for 
 yourself?*' 
 
 A second message was now brought 
 to Lord Heathermount by Zephyr, his 
 nmhasciadore del amove ^ to inform him 
 that the fair incognita had arrived at 
 Brighton, My lord bowed respect- 
 fully, and retired, amidst the winks 
 and smiles of some of the party who 
 had assisted in contriving the hoax. 
 
 The sun was now so high, that it 
 was deemed time to break up tlie din^ 
 ner parly. The sun arose; and so did 
 that rising sun, which was worshipped 
 by the party : he rose majestic alli/^ and 
 stood far above the lesser Inminaries*
 
 lOS THE STEYNE. 
 
 who only shone in a borrowed light, 
 A parting glass irradiated the eye and 
 smile of the arch patron, and obscured 
 the remnant of luminous matter which 
 played, like an expiring taper, round 
 the eyelids of his guests. They with- 
 drew to the sound of soft music ; for 
 all is harmony in the halls of the sun. 
 But ere we proceed with Lord Heather- 
 mount and the fair incognita^ we shall 
 give some account of the elite which 
 composed the banqueting party, with 
 the addition of a few biographical re- 
 marks applicable to the majority of 
 them.
 
 THE STEYNE. 109 
 
 CHAPTER III, 
 
 At the head of the party, which 
 was rather of a mixed order, we should 
 place *^l^*^ 
 
 THE MARQUIS OF ST. MAUR, 
 
 Who is descended from an illustrious 
 family which came over with AViliiam 
 the Conqueror ; and was of great age 
 and nobility in Normandy. Besides 
 the marquisate of St. Maur, there is 
 no doubt but that a dukedom is vested 
 in the family ; and it is rather sur- 
 prising that the present noble mar-
 
 110 THE STEYNE. 
 
 quis does not assert his right to that 
 title. 
 
 For a very long lapse of years the 
 alliances of the family have been suit- 
 ably noble; and from this cause, and 
 a variety of properties which have de- 
 volved to their house, much riches 
 and influence have been acquired by it. 
 In this manner the name and property 
 
 of C have been added to that 
 
 which the family originally bore. 
 
 The present marquis, not more re- 
 vered from his age than from the re- 
 spectability of his conduct, has ever 
 been deservedly a favourite at court. 
 Steady in his attachment to the throne, 
 he has ever adhered to the same prin- 
 ciples, and ever pursued the same line
 
 THE STEYNE. Ill 
 
 of politics and of conduct. — such as 
 become an old English nobleman, who 
 naturally should be a supporter of the 
 throne, and of the government and 
 constitution, as they were established 
 by the introduction of the House of 
 B k. 
 
 Courtly, amiable, and affable in his 
 manners, he has always gained and 
 preserved many friends, and has at all 
 times been celebrated for the hospi- 
 tality of his house, and for a becoming 
 splendour in his establishment, which 
 is, notwithstanding, regulated with the 
 greatest order. 
 
 In the person of the Marquis of St. 
 Maur we behold dignity of deport- 
 ment, a becoming quietude, ease, and
 
 112 THE STEYNE. 
 
 courtliness, without trick and grimace, 
 propriety in dress, in his equipages, 
 in his house, and, finally, throughout 
 his establishment. Nor are his social 
 virtues less brilliant than the nobility 
 of his race ; for, whilst he is the ele- 
 gant courtier, he is not less the friendly 
 neighbour, the good landlord, and so- 
 cial country gentleman, when in re- 
 tirement on his property. 
 
 The noble marquis has been twjce 
 married: first, to the daughter of the 
 late Viscount ; and second- 
 ly to the present marchioness, daugh- 
 ter and heiress of Viscount •. 
 Had the marquis's taste been unesta- 
 blished previous to this match, it would 
 have stood high on that occasion ; for he
 
 THE STEYNE. 113 
 
 certainly chose for his bride one of the 
 
 most beautiful women in Great Britain. 
 
 / There is in the countenance of the 
 
 f marchioness not only a transcendent 
 V 
 
 lustre of complexion, and a regularity 
 
 of features, but an expression of sweet- 
 I ness of temper, of placidity, and good- 
 ( ness, that we do not often meet with 
 I in a beautiful face. There is a look of 
 1 candour, and of kindness, which adds 
 an inexpressible charm to the effect of 
 I her features, and a healthfulness not 
 ( always the lot of people of quality, 
 which will give almost a look of youth 
 to her ladyship, should she even at- 
 tain to a plenitude of years. 
 
 Nor is her ladyship's face deceitful 
 in the promise which it makes ; for
 
 114 THE STEYNE, 
 
 iher mind full}' corresponds with the 
 igrace and amiability of her smile; her 
 temper completely suits the suavity 
 and benevolence of her expressions. 
 
 With all the?e desirable qualities, it 
 was to be expected that her ladyship 
 would be the favourite, as she is the 
 ornament of the court ; nor could she 
 give lustre to so high a sphere without 
 exciting envy, or without making ene- 
 mies; for rival beauties cannot bear to 
 be outshone, nor can pride and ambi- 
 tion endure competitors in honour, 
 favour, or distinction. 
 
 From youth to maturity of age her 
 ladyship has stood on the pinnacle of 
 splendour and admiration ; but she has 
 never practised any unbecoming art to
 
 THE STEYNS^ 11-5 
 
 obtain popularity ; she has also borne 
 admiration and praise without being 
 dazzled with either. 
 
 •' No one, in fine, ever merited no- 
 tice and friendship from all ranks 
 more than the marchioness; and it 
 may, in truth, be said of her that all 
 those who know her love her; and 
 that those who know her most love 
 her best. Envy may attempt to dark^ 
 i en but it never can deface ; and should 
 ' a dukedom be revived in her family, 
 she will indeed be a grace by name, 
 and by nature. 
 
 THE RT. HON. GEORGE ANTIJACOBIN, 
 
 Gifted with no common talent, this 
 gentleman plays his part very actively 
 in the senate. He wants neither cou-
 
 116 THE STEYNE. 
 
 rage, sang froid, nor perseverance, to 
 carry him through many a hard days 
 work. He was branded by his enemies 
 with the epithet of a mere ministerial 
 hack; but (to continue in the jockey 
 line) we rather think him more like an 
 active hunter, worthy of the men of 
 Melton,* or any of the most dashing 
 Leicestershire Nimrods. For, first, he 
 has (as he would need to have) a stout 
 back to bear the weights imposed on 
 it; next, he is an excellent fencer,-]" 
 which is a great quality both in the ca- 
 binet and the Jield; and lastly, he sticks 
 ) at nothing J being able to get over d^ny 
 : thing which comes in his way. 
 
 * The most intrepid hunters in England. 
 + A term in Leicestershire for a good leape^ 
 of fences.
 
 THE 5TEYNE. 117 
 
 MaDV a stumbiio^ block has been 
 placed in the road in bis time : more 
 than ODce a broom was artfully placed 
 io such a situation as to annov him 
 rery much ; and as new brooms sweep 
 clean, it was thought by a party of half' 
 bred sportsmen that much fun would 
 accrue from his tripping ; nay, hopes 
 were eutertaioed of his fall. But the 
 knowing ones were taken in, and laugh- 
 ed at tor having nothing to oppose to 
 him but such a ludicrous thing as this. 
 The broom was merely made a handle 
 of, and some allege that it bad not 
 sufficient birch at its first formation tor 
 a parliament bnuJL Therefore, the 
 hunter got over the ground in the first 
 style, and afiorded much sport to his 
 party, who, elated by success, mean to
 
 lis THE STEYNE. 
 
 hack him against the field at an early 
 day. 
 
 He is not wanting in fire, and cannot 
 be indiscreetly trusted with a loose 
 rein, it being the general opinion that 
 the reins are not to be trusted to any 
 of the party without a steady hand. On 
 account of this impetuosity, he was 
 nick-named by the bankrupt Porcupine^ 
 who has since shot his quills and run 
 away. — Fiery Niin^ the name given to 
 his dam, whose pedigree is unknown ; 
 but who is supposed to have bred with 
 a number oi first raters, on which ac- 
 count the animal in question was ac- 
 cused of a cross in his breed. 
 
 All this, however^ we attribute to 
 mere malice, as it is well known that 
 Porcupine and his crew are the veriest
 
 THE STEYNE. 119 
 
 rips that ever appeared on the sod. 
 Some of them are lame ; all are out of 
 condition and unfit for work, unless it 
 be dirti/ work ; many have broken down^ 
 and the only old sticking hack amongst 
 them has, as we have already stated, 
 bolted! ! ! has been hissed from the dis- 
 tance post, and, we hope, never will 
 be allowed to start again. They used 
 always to talk oi fair play^ but they 
 shew it in no shape: they allow cross- 
 ing and jostling, mobbing^ and other 
 vile practices on the turf; and if you 
 come to pit any of their jockies with 
 ministerial riders, off they go cocktail, 
 and show the white feather directly. — 
 It is much believed that John Bull will 
 discharge the whole of them immedU 
 ately.
 
 120 THE STEYNE. 
 
 SIR GEORGE WRATTENDALE. 
 
 Sir George Wrattendale is a baronet 
 of no very old date, and he owes his 
 birth to that land where many a long- 
 eared quadruped has thriven upon the 
 economy of its nature and the sterility 
 of the soil. The meek friend of Sterne, 
 and the object of well-merited compas- 
 sion, flourishes there almost exclu- 
 sively, on account of the few wants 
 which he has, and the hard labour to 
 which his early habits have inured 
 him. 
 
 Here w^e mean to draw no parallel 
 betwixt Jack and Sir George. His ha- 
 bits certainly were frugal, and his na- 
 ture complaisant : he was also found a 
 docile if not useful servant of all par-
 
 THE STEYNE. 121 
 
 ties ; but as to the ear, or the promi- 
 nences of the forehead, the bearing of 
 burthens, or the mediocrity of tail, 
 these bear no resemblance with the 
 baronet, whatever ill-natured folks may 
 have said. 
 
 In his military cnnble through life 
 he was certainly thought dull: in his 
 political walk he was found quiet and 
 convenient ; and ill-nature reports that 
 he ratted^ a term which we do not 
 pretend to understand, but which ap- 
 pears to us a vermin-like kind of opera- 
 tion. 
 
 In his matrimonial connexion it is 
 said that he is paired, not snatched; and 
 some say that he is coupled,*— From 
 these phrases^ we should infer that the 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 122 THE STEYNE. 
 
 daughter of a peer over-matched him, 
 and Qiay, in time, outrun him ; that she 
 ]S formed for a leader^ and the baronet 
 better fitted for a wheeler; that he 
 touches collar most kindly, and that 
 she requires a double bit to keep her 
 in ; finally, that they do not draw to- 
 gether ; and that it is a bad job upon 
 the whole. 
 
 Many a worthy fellow who has served 
 nobly in the regular army has ended 
 in the Fleet; but here, a ?io< particularly 
 good fellow has passed from a colonelcy 
 to the , without merit or ex- 
 ertions, without extravagance or mis- 
 fortune, unless it be that which his 
 country experience from such a nomi- 
 nation, or rather from the pension ac- 
 companying it.
 
 THE STEYNE. IM 
 
 LADY WRATTENDALE. 
 
 Marriagesare,ofiate, amongthe high- 
 er circles in particular, more like treaties 
 of cojnmerce, than social contracts^ or 
 conjugal engagements. Indeed, there is 
 often nothing: ensasms on either side, 
 unless one of the parties be disposed of, 
 like a race- horse with his aigagements 
 on hishead^ two, or perhaps three deep. 
 Contiguity of land, marsh or boundary, 
 family pride, commercial interest very 
 often, but oftenest pecuniary views, 
 bring the parties together. Princes and 
 potentates marry by proxy ; and their 
 ministers and nobles, as well as their 
 fair allies^ not unfrequently employ the 
 proxy after marriage. Feuds and dis- 
 G 3
 
 194 THE STEYNE. 
 
 sensions are sometimes put an end to 
 by a connubial alliance; but alas ! they 
 are oftener fomented and perpetuated 
 by the same means. The bond of union 
 is strengthened by mutual interest ; but 
 genuine and disinterested /nV^wc//// rela^ 
 lions are so few and so uncertain, that 
 union or disunion, peace or hostility, 
 too frequently depend upon the finan- 
 cial arrangements on both sides. 
 
 From this expose, it must appear 
 that in spite of the hacknied term of 
 the faith of nations, there is not an 
 ever great portion of faith to be looked 
 for from these alliances; and that the 
 /r^a/2/concluded betwixt the <?ow^racto^ 
 parties, like all treaties and contracts, 
 does not assume a very promising
 
 THE STEYNE. 125 
 
 appearance as to inviolability^ or even 
 durability, unless it can be made 
 useful and profitable to both. In 
 many alliances, where a seeming 
 quiescent state of affairs reigns, there 
 are separate views, secret treaties, 
 unavowed connexions, and interests 
 apart. In others, open hostility exists 
 for a considerable time before a formal 
 declaration is resorted to, or a dissolu- 
 tion of all ties is adopted. Civil war 
 reigns in many wedded states ; noU'in^ 
 tercourse is established in still more ; 
 but the uninterrupted relations of amity 
 are rare, very rare indeed in fashionable 
 or distinguished life. 
 
 For all these, and one thousand and 
 one more causes, there is as much ne-^ 
 g3
 
 196 THE STEYNE, 
 
 gotiation and diplomacy used in a mar- 
 riage settlement, as there ever was in a 
 treaty offensive or defensive of two great 
 rival nations ; nay, the offensive and def en* 
 sive affair is not altogether uncommon 
 in these matrimonial arrangements. 
 Gov€rn)7ient, being the object contend- 
 ed for, there are as many opinions to 
 suit, and as many interests to consult 
 in this important affair, as there are in 
 the framing of a neio constiiution, or in 
 the giving independence to a growing 
 date. Absolute poicer is very inviting 
 to the new bride, if she can possibly 
 obtain it by promises or attractions, by 
 policy, or by finesse ; for, if intimidation 
 be resorted to, a rupture may be ex- 
 pected. Republic and commonwealth
 
 THE STEYNE. 197 
 
 re not synonimoiis terms, in uxorious 
 rrangements, the former from being 
 nuch oftener assumed than the latter; 
 )ut the wisest heads have agreed that 
 imited dominion is the safest and best. 
 We found this train of reflection ne- 
 cessary to account for Lady Wratten- 
 iale, the daughter of a peer, forming a 
 :lose connexion, wedlock to wit, with 
 her ally, the baronet of that name. 
 We always gave her ladyship credit for 
 her superiority in the cabinet ; and we 
 revere her as a politician, for preserv- 
 ing her best interests whole and entire. 
 We do not here use the favourite term 
 integritt/, because we do not think that 
 it suits all the* bearings of the case; 
 but we boldly assert, that her ladyship 
 G 4
 
 128 THE STEYNE. 
 
 shewed much talent in the preliminary 
 proceedings of this treaty ; for, she 
 either went in person, or sent very 
 faithful commissioners to view the ter- 
 ritorial resources on the other side, be- 
 fore she ventured on the contract in 
 question. Then, boldly and j udicious- 
 ly, laying aside all external appearance, 
 all mental gratification, or the mere 
 frothy talent de plaire, she looked to 
 the solid advantages of the connexion, 
 and concluded her negotiation accord- 
 ingly ; very well judging that 
 
 Love should, like a deodand, 
 Still fall to the owner of the land. 
 
 That such love should not last, may 
 be fairly and very probably argued ; but 
 then, the land does last^ although the
 
 THE STEYNE. 159 
 
 sentiment ceases (if ever existing); and 
 a certain degree of stability may be 
 thereby ensured. We have heard, that 
 she once called her partner a beast io 
 company. But what then ? There are 
 beasts of two kinds ; namely, beasts of 
 burthen, and beasts of prey. Now, as 
 the former are perfectly innocent^ it 
 must be perfectly innocent to call them 
 such; and, if her ladyship have ob- 
 tained the great desideratum of power- 
 ful nations, namely, the taking away 
 firom another the power of doing harm, 
 we pronounce her a finished diplonuUey 
 and heartily say, 
 
 " Palmam qui meruit ferat I 
 GO
 
 130 THE STEYNE. 
 
 LADY DOVE. 
 
 Lady D. is the last unextinguished 
 star of the bright constellation in the 
 hemisphere of fashion. A brighter pla- 
 net set in the person of her sister, who 
 will long be missed in the heau motide, 
 and who has left an aching void in the 
 breasts of every one to whom her 
 amiable mind and prepossessing man- 
 ners were known. A still more exalt- 
 ed place in the firmament of high life 
 was occupied by another sister, who 
 was a grace by title and by nature ; but 
 her short-lived gtar/e//, before it set in 
 perpetual night ; her bright surface had 
 for some time been obscured ; and 
 (" clouds, and darkness rest upon't^')
 
 THE STEYNE. 131 
 
 rapidly succeeding events, magnified 
 by the breath of scandal, overshadow- 
 ed the close of an existence which 
 commenced in bright prospects, rose 
 eminently in admiration, and promised 
 fair for lasting splendour and powerful 
 attraction ; the charms suddenly ceas- 
 ed, and the remembrance of it is not 
 viewed in the light which might have 
 been expected. 
 
 Nearer the earth, and less luminous, 
 shone another resplendence of taste ; 
 but she was eclipsed by an Aurora Bo' 
 realis in the matrimonial sphere, and 
 has been under a cloud ever since. 
 Lady D. alone remains glittering in 
 fashion's airy circle, discernible to every 
 eye, serene and unclouded, and there
 
 132 THE STEYNE. 
 
 she may twinkle amongst the satellites 
 of Venus, until brighter refulgencies 
 dazzle the giddy view of fickle admi- 
 rers, and make them hide their dimi- 
 nished heads. 
 
 The disappearance of three out of 
 four sisters — of three such ornaments 
 of the beau mode, attended by intri- 
 cate, lamentable, and very unforeseen 
 circumstances, afford gloomy, but use- 
 ful — sad but very moral, lessons to the 
 unthinking votaries of pleasure, to the 
 short-lived flutterers in the mazes of 
 dissipation : — the vital flame of youth 
 and beauty suddenly quenched in one ; 
 extinct nobility darkened and faded in 
 another ; inconsiderate hopes and un- 
 certain prospects disappointed and va-
 
 THE STEYNE. 133 
 
 Dished in a third ; whilst ooe alone uo- 
 injured, still sports near the precipice 
 of uncertain existence, down which the 
 others have so rapidly sliddeo, lea\ring 
 no trace behind I 
 
 Has Lady M , surrounded by a 
 
 canine brood, enamelled with the ver- 
 milion of youth on the decayed cheek 
 of age, still fond of trifling amuse- 
 ments and useless pursuits, — has she 
 no regrets to cherish, no reflections to 
 make, no accounts to render, touching 
 these amiable unfortunates ? Has no 
 pride, vanity, neglect, or bad example, 
 influenced their destinies, and attend- 
 ed their lives ? Has her ladyship duly 
 cultivated the early plant, formed it as 
 it ought to have grown, and taught 
 " the young idea how to shoot r^ or.
 
 134 THE STEYNE. 
 
 rather, has not the example of youthful 
 folly prepared the way for disregarded 
 and unsanctified old age ? 
 
 The fate of so many of a family would 
 deter one from uncharitable remark on 
 what remains. A great deal might be 
 learned from the past, which we fear 
 has flitted by unheeded. Lady D. is 
 still a star of bon ton, an elegante a la 
 mode, a pleasurable woman, interesting 
 in her person, and worthy of admira- 
 tion from the polish of her manners, 
 and from an easy affability, the effect 
 of natural kindness and usage du monde. 
 We shall finish her portrait by saying, 
 that 
 
 " If to her share some female frailties fall, 
 Look in her face, and you'll forget them all."
 
 THE STEYXE. 155 
 
 LORD HURLDOWK. 
 
 This gentleman, or rather we out'ht 
 to say this nobleman^ for sometimes 
 they are very different^ is one of the 
 nouielU fahrique ; so novels that the 
 creation thereof is as incredible as a 
 romance ; in short, this^Vs/ lord of the 
 name is ennobled just as a taylor is en- 
 riched, namely, by taking ail sorU of 
 measures. 
 
 Betwixt the medical student and the 
 doctor, there is only a degree; but be- 
 tween the law student and the judge 
 there are many ; yet this right honour- 
 able retired judge has got over them 
 «//. High in person, he soon got high 
 in office ; and if his uprightness of pria-
 
 136 THE STEYNE. 
 
 ciple went hand-in-hand with his erect- 
 ness of stature, it is well. Few could, 
 at all events, expect to get over his 
 head; and few stood higher at the bar ; 
 though perhaps not quite so exalted in 
 the opinion of the people. 
 
 His lordship is now in decline and 
 decay, if that state can exist where 
 nothing very florid or virescent pre- 
 ceded the existing condition. It is, 
 however, alleged by his old acquaint- 
 ances, most of whom he has over- 
 looked, outstripped, or outlived, that 
 he was always bent upon something, 
 and that his present inclination towards 
 earth is more the effect of habit than 
 of age: but it is agreed at all hands 
 that humility is not the cause^
 
 THE STETNE. 137 
 
 Lord Hurldown, as well as his con- 
 temporary and co-peer, now no more 
 who (on the bench) paid oflf the people 
 scot and lot, has risen, through the 
 revolutions of his country, to an emi- 
 nence which must have astonished 
 himself, and succeeded in the often 
 tried matrimonial lottery of life in a 
 way that (we should suppose) must 
 have astonished the ladies. 
 
 There was certainly more brilliancy 
 about the brother barrister, now extin- 
 guished ; but the surviving lord of the 
 long robe has twinkled out his lime, 
 like a taper farthing candle, or a long 
 stubborn rushlight adhering to its si- 
 tuation as long as possible. 
 
 It is difficult to account for his seat
 
 138 THE STEYNE. 
 
 at the palace, or for the utile or duke 
 that may flow from his company or 
 conversation. He is, notwithstanding, 
 as well as his co-peer and brother judge, 
 a very peer of the loiited kingdom ; and 
 it is only to be feared that he has found 
 nobility without dignity, and elevation 
 without grandeur ; for this has been the 
 case with more lords than one of the 
 last quarter century. 
 
 LORD S- 
 
 Is the eldest son of the illustrious 
 Marquis of St. Maur, and is a noble- 
 man of much wit, amiability, and ta- 
 lent. Early in life he was distinguish-
 
 THE STEYNE. \S9 
 
 ed by the P , and has ever since 
 
 been hoijourcd by his friendship and 
 confidence. 
 
 When the P came into go- 
 vernment and power, he evinced his 
 great good sense and judgment, by 
 placing in his councils, and near his 
 person, not those who had merely been 
 h's table companion*?, or the associates 
 of his youth and inexperience, but 
 those who had been faithfully attached 
 to the real interests of the crown and 
 of the state. This attachment the 
 
 S family never departed from : 
 
 and who then could better deserve fa- 
 vour and preference on that account, 
 as well as on account of their birth and 
 preponderance in property and influ- 
 ence ?
 
 140 THE STEYNE. 
 
 To the qualities of a good scholar and 
 
 an accomplished man, Lord S 
 
 adds a peculiar, pleasant, and agreeable 
 turn for conviviality. No man graces 
 the social board with more vivacity 
 and entertainment than his lordship ; 
 and no man's society is more courted 
 on that account. But his lordship has 
 made many enemies, by having en- 
 grossed the favour of his P ; 
 
 and because his company is preferred 
 to unmeaning cyphers in society, who 
 have nothing to recommend them but 
 a coronet or a name. 
 
 The friendship of an accomplished 
 prince is, of itself, a strong proof of 
 mental worth in those on whom it is 
 bestowed ; nor can envious and pining 
 detractors succeed in blackening the
 
 THE STEYNE. 141 
 
 character of the one, without basely 
 injuring the reputation of the other. 
 
 Lord S 's society will not be the 
 
 less coveted on account of what these 
 slanderers may say, nor will his P' ■■ ■ 
 think the less of hin), because his favour 
 creates jealousy and envy. 
 
 THE MARQUIS OF MONA. 
 
 In no bosom is it pt^sible for more 
 courage, more patriotism, or more 
 public spirit to reign, than in that of 
 the noble marquis. When at Oxford, 
 
 as Lord • , he was distinguished 
 
 for little else but his good looks; and 
 he had so little idea of making the
 
 142 THE STEYNE. 
 
 army his profession, that he was never 
 hard of as a military man until 1794. 
 He, from pure patriotism, raised a 
 regiment, of which he became colonel, 
 and it formed a very excellent infantry 
 corps, his thoughts not having been 
 turned towards the cavalry at that 
 time. He afterwards embarked in that 
 service; and, on being nominated to 
 
 the regiment of hussards 
 
 (then light dragool^vs), he made it, per- 
 haps, the most beautiful, well ap- 
 pointed, and distinguished regiment 
 in the service. 
 
 He is the most complete pattern of 
 what a buzzard officer should be of 
 ani^ British officer, and is allowed to 
 be so by all foreign officers who have
 
 THE STEYNE. 143 
 
 served in these troops abroad. From 
 Lord M. came the huzzard rage in 
 both sexes; and he, more than any 
 one else, gave fashion to the mu- 
 stachio, which, by the bye, becomes 
 but few Britons. Well may it be said, 
 *' // II est pas hiissard qui veut»^* Lord 
 M, made a capital cavalry officer, and 
 did himself the greatest credit in the 
 Peninsula. 
 
 At Waterloo he stamped his cha- 
 racter for ever. The boldness and de- 
 cision of his movements, his total dis- 
 regard of personal danger, the courage 
 and intrepidity with which he received 
 his wound, and the coolness and pa- 
 tience which he shewed in the sequel, 
 were truly heroic. He may now re-
 
 144 THE STEYNE. 
 
 pose on his laurels, for they were 
 greatly won ! 
 
 Having said so much concerning 
 Mars, it may not be amiss to name his 
 lordship's success in the Champ de 
 Venus. Not to mention juvenile fol- 
 lies and frolics, nor the passades of his 
 early years, the first striking conquest 
 which gained him celebrity in the an- 
 nals of gallantry was his connexion 
 with the Duchess of ■ — . She 
 was a lovely woman, high in rank, a 
 fit match for any nobleman, and ro- 
 mantically attached to her handsome 
 paramour; and it was expected by 
 every one that the gay militaire would 
 have led her grace to the altar of Hy- 
 men. But here the peer played the
 
 THE STEYNE. 145 
 
 fickle gay Lothario ; and, however he 
 may have been a faithful soldier in the 
 field of battle, he certainly was a com- 
 plete deserter upon this occasion. 
 
 He enlisted under the standard of 
 Lady ■, and was the cause of 
 
 separating a seemingly happy pair. 
 Here there was a little falling off from 
 his allegiance, as far as fidelity to one 
 object goes, and much vacillation ap- 
 peared in his behaviour. At length, 
 however, a double separation gave a 
 denouement to the plot ; and a double 
 marriage produced a final eclaircisse- 
 ment, he taking to himself for bride 
 his piquante chere amie, and giving his 
 soft hnguissante partner to a ducal 
 mantle. All the parties had children ; 
 but, in high life, these are no obsta- 
 
 VOL, I. H
 
 146 THE STEYNE. 
 
 cles: they are transferred from family 
 to family as easily as a transfer o{ stock 
 takes place at the bank ; whilst the 
 separating parties are gazetted into 
 other services, and take possession of 
 new names as coolly, and as much in 
 the line of profession^ as a subaltern 
 quits one corps to serve in another, 
 and beholds, with delight his rank 
 changing from subaltern to captain, or 
 from captain to a field officer. 
 
 Sometimes, in these cases, a deli- 
 rious billet is left on the table by the 
 deserting party : '* For a once fond and 
 too indulgent husband," ending with 
 "TMy children! Oh I my children! 
 pity, but do not curse me I" and such 
 like hacknied heroics. Or, on the 
 other hand, the husband *' has nothing
 
 THE STEYNE. 147 
 
 to regret but the example or pain to 
 which his dear children, whom he 
 adores^ may be exposed ; but a too 
 powerful impulse, an irresistible infa* 
 tualion, &c. &c." But here the mat- 
 ter ends, justifying the satires of Gil- 
 bert, which say — 
 
 nos modestes a'ieux, 
 
 '* Parlaient moins des vertus et les cultiraicnt 
 mieux.'* 
 
 What constituted the ill assortment 
 of the two couple previous to their 
 separation is difficult to tell ; but, what 
 is very unusual, they all appear per- 
 fectly happy since the change, and the 
 marchioness's kind and feeling atten- 
 tions, her unequivocal proofs of at- 
 tachment after the battle of W , 
 ought never to be forgotten by her lord. 
 H 2
 
 148 THE STEYNE. 
 
 LORD JAMES MILLEFLEUR. 
 
 This is the very essence of a man of 
 quahty — the very identification of him 
 whom Hotspur describes as the elegant 
 militaire, who comes forward when the 
 fight was o'er, whose " stubble beard 
 shone like a field at harvest home : be- 
 sides, he was perfumed like a milliner ; 
 and betwixt his finger and his thumb 
 he held a pouncet-box, which ever and 
 anon he gave his nose/* 
 
 Nothing can be more close than the 
 resemblance when his lordship was a 
 very gay officer, in a very gay regiment. 
 Though not one of the elegant extracts 
 of the corps, he certainly was one of the 
 elegant compounds which formed that 
 regiment, when it was at its ac7ne in 
 point of fashion and dress.
 
 THE STEYNE. 149 
 
 He tvas for a very short time a high- 
 lander, when he raised men for the 
 
 regiment, to obtain the rank of 
 
 major; but, however he may be at 
 home under the petticoat, of which 
 
 Mrs. , and some frail northern 
 
 belles can bear witness, he certainly 
 was not at home in the kilt, and formed 
 a strange Adonis-like contrast with 
 Cameron the Clever^ and his hardy, 
 bearded, and weather-beaten faced 
 highlanders, who have since left their 
 marks wherever they went, and where- 
 ever the full tide of conquest and of 
 war rolled strongest and most impetu- 
 ously. 
 
 Of his lordship's warlike achieve- 
 ments we will say nothing: the loud 
 trumpet has never summoned him be- 
 H 3
 
 150 THE STEYNE. 
 
 yond a parade ; and his military course 
 has been through a bloodless field. 
 Indeed, we never heard any thing of 
 him in the way of an action, except in 
 a fracas^ where he evinced no very 
 great judgment as a military man^ by 
 mistaking a stone for a bullet^ and where 
 he was so severely wounded in his feeU 
 ings^ that he, for a time, conceived that 
 he was actually wounded in his person. 
 
 There was, on this occasion, a doubt 
 Avhether the duramater of the noble 
 lord did or did not receive an injury. 
 Some, however, pretend that the missile 
 weapon had the worst of it in the ew- 
 counter ; but on this head it is hard to 
 decide. Certain, at all events, it is, 
 that, with a perfect ignorance as to the 
 effect of a ball (not a ball given for
 
 THE STEYNE. 151 
 
 ladies— there his lordship shines in his 
 proper sphere) he has advanced almost 
 to the head of his profession. 
 
 For one situation, however, he is per- 
 fectly calculated — we mean a piece of 
 drawing-room furniture. He is a cre- 
 ditable and proper fixture and appen- 
 dage of royalty ; and no one ambles 
 more gracefully on his palfrey than his 
 lordship, on state and gold-lace trap- 
 ping days ; whilst his alliance with one 
 of the first houses in Europe, in point 
 of illustrious blood and immense riches 
 and weight, promises well to perpe- 
 tuate high and unmixed nobility, al- 
 though it cannot be looked to for pro- 
 ducing a long race of sturdy borderers, 
 of hardy warlike heroes, nor for much 
 improving the original Cheviot breed*-^ 
 H 4
 
 1^2 THE STEYNE. 
 
 at least, such as we read of in the old 
 ballad which has handed down for so 
 many ages the memorable chase, for 
 which 
 
 ^' The child may rue, though yet unborn, 
 The hunting of that day." 
 
 It may be fairly said of his lordship, 
 without the least disparagement, for he 
 must be allowed by all parties to be a 
 graceful, a good-tempered, and a very 
 respectable young man, that his ances- 
 tors were the princes of man, but their 
 posterity have become the men o^ princes^ 
 
 COLONEL BACK*EM. /^^^~ 
 
 " Bother'em against the field," cried 
 
 an enthusiastic , betting on 
 
 a favourite horse ; and, on his coming
 
 THE STEYNE. 153 
 
 in di^anced^ Pat still continued to cry 
 — " Bother'em for ever. Did not I 
 tould ye so ? See how he drives them 
 all before him" Thus it was with Co- 
 lonel B. who was maliciously called 
 Q in a corner ; but who in reality was 
 
 not Q in a corner, but ^ driving them 
 
 all before him. Who, the enemy ?... 
 No. — His regiment! And he did 
 right ; for that's what you may call 
 keeping them up to it. 
 
 How the deuce should Colonel B. 
 know that every man did his duty, if 
 he did not see them before him ? Had 
 he dashed on before his regiment, he 
 might have lost sight of it I or, what is 
 worse, he might have lost sight of him- 
 self! and then it would be useless to 
 H 5
 
 154 THE STEYNE. 
 
 look back. Whereas, keeping his corps 
 safe, and having his eye upon it, proved 
 foresight^ which beats retrospect out of 
 the field. Nay, no fellow of good sense 
 would run away from his regiment; 
 and, if his regiment ran away from him, 
 then it was un affaire de corps, a regi" 
 mental concern; whilst a man who is 
 only concerned for himself has much 
 less upon his mind ; aye, and upon his 
 body too, most likely. 
 
 These modern Hotspurs, who were 
 commanded by the colonel, wanted 
 good looking after; and, consequently, 
 with the coolness and phlegm of a Ger- 
 man, and the self-possession and ex- 
 perience of an old officer, he kept them 
 up to their work, and looked after
 
 THE STEYNE. 155 
 
 them well, persuaded that temerity is 
 the forerunner of evil, whilst prudence 
 follows cautiously. 
 
 Why, these coffee-house cornets, 
 these morocco-booted bucks, were as 
 hot and as impatient as their horses; 
 and thought no more of running their 
 noses into the fire, than a moth would, 
 who dances about a candle ! These 
 silly fellows cantered after the enemy 
 just as inconsiderately as they would 
 gallop after a fine woman m the park, 
 with the chance of a brother's bullet, 
 or an action for crim. con. heavy da- 
 mages or imprisonment staring them 
 full in the face. These blades thought 
 that they could as easily take an eagle 
 as a pinch of snuff, or put the enemy 
 to the route with as much certainty as
 
 \66 THE STEYNE. 
 
 they could floor a watchman, or kick 
 an importunate dun down stairs. 
 
 But B. in the rear knew better. He 
 saw what was going on^ and knew what 
 might come after. Therefore, he wisely, 
 deliberately, and reflectingly, let the 
 first fire of youth evaporate, before he 
 mingled in their unreflecting proceed-- 
 ings. The event has proved his merit ; 
 for those who scoured the plain in pur- 
 suit of the foe have mostly left the re- 
 giment. Some took *' the measure of 
 an unmade grave ;*' whereas, he who 
 bridled hi his steed now stands fast, 
 and is in the regiment, whilst they are 
 OM^—these lads are dead, and he is 
 alive 1 
 
 There are different ways of viewing 
 subjects— some de loin and some de
 
 THE STEYNE 157 
 
 pres; and there are different ways of 
 arguing matters — the one a priori^ the 
 othev a posteriori. Now it is clearly prov- 
 ed that his views are most just which 
 succeed best, whether viewed near or at 
 a distance, in front or in rear. The 
 colonel's case is luce clarius, and his 
 success complete ; his officers got into 
 a scrape — he got out of it. 
 
 MR, MANUEL THE POET. 
 
 This poet has written and said so 
 much, that the inconsistencies of his 
 writings and opinions have acquired a 
 notoriety accompanied with justly me- 
 rited and extensive censure. The pub- 
 lication of both, with such a deep im- 
 ^. pression of the zealot also, has left but
 
 l^S THE STEYNE. 
 
 two conclusions to be drawn ; the one, 
 prejudicial to the strength and sanity 
 of his intellect — the other injurious to 
 the rectitude and integrity ot his heart ; 
 and, after the most impartial investiga- 
 tion of motives, circumstances, et ce- 
 tera, the enquirer must set him down 
 either as a weak or a worthless man. 
 
 Mr. Manuel has varied so often and 
 so oppositely in his religious, his po- 
 litical, and his moral opinions, and 
 these variations have, as they proceed- 
 ed onward with experience, fitted so 
 comfortably and conveniently his views 
 and interests in life, that it would na- 
 turally occur to a stranger that self w^s 
 the only object in view from his first 
 starting to his present elevation, and 
 that he had merely kept off and on,
 
 THE STEYNE. 159 
 
 like an insidious neutral power, only 
 watching the opportunity of declaring 
 itself, when most was to be made of the 
 chosen ally. 
 
 His support of Deism and Socinian- 
 ism, and his desertion of both for the 
 established faith of the church, are as 
 preposterous and as much at variance 
 with each c)ther, as fiery republicanism 
 is irreconcilable with the sacred rights 
 of kings, and as highly contrasted as 
 Wat Tyler is with the most dutiful, loy- 
 al, and panegyrical birth-day ode. But 
 the fact is, that the writer did not 
 foresee that he was to compose > 
 
 — ; nor did the admirer of the 
 United States, and the projector of/?a- 
 tisocract/, calculate that a day might 
 come when royal favour and increasing
 
 160 THE STEYNE. 
 
 fortune might make him in love with 
 monarchy, and attach him to a separate 
 interest from his friends, in the loaves 
 and fishes, the places or emoluments 
 of office. 
 
 At what period of life he wrote his 
 Triumph we forget, whether before or 
 after marriage ; but it is much to be 
 apprehended, that with all his seeming 
 devotion to the female sex, his creed 
 on that head will one day vary, just 
 as his religious and political beliefs 
 have changed ; and therefore the sex 
 must not count on a steady friend in 
 this poet. 
 
 There is as great inequality in his 
 literary compositions as there is un- 
 steadiness in his principles ; and it is 
 scarcely credible that the author of
 
 THE STEYNE. I6l 
 
 a poem so faithfully parodied as fol- 
 lows could have been the composer 
 of other works, in which there is so 
 much sublimity. 
 
 THE STYLE OF SIMPLICITY OF THE 
 LAKE BARDS. 
 
 There was a little maid, 
 
 And she was afraid, 
 That her lorer would come to her; 
 
 So she took it in her head, 
 
 As she lay in her bed, 
 To fasten her door with a skewer. 
 
 In spite, however, of this puerile 
 style, and of his calling lyric some of 
 his compositions which merit not the 
 name, and some epic which possess 
 only the name; yet, certainly, some of 
 his poetical morceaux prove that he 
 has felt the true inspiration.
 
 162 THE STEYNE. 
 
 One retrospective poem bears a bad 
 name for the bard, and we anticipate a 
 second edition of this work in a very 
 different style from the last. Perhaps 
 second thoughts were best; and some- 
 thing highly finished in defence of 
 apostacy might have a good effect : 
 otherwise, retrospect must be as un- 
 pleasant and unavailing, as argument 
 and explanation in defence of this gen- 
 tleman's conduct would be difficult 
 and unsatisfactory.
 
 THE STEYNE. 163 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Lord Heathermount now pro- 
 ceeded to the inn where the fair incog- 
 nita slept. It was late, and he could 
 not hope to see her ; but she might hear 
 soft sounds of amorous import; and a 
 Spaniard in the peer's train was sent 
 for to serenade the reposing beauty. 
 Meanwhile, Lord H. stood enveloped 
 in a Spanish cloak and a Sombrero^ to 
 watch the opening of her lattice. The 
 strain began from the Spanish guitar. 
 " Mientre queduerme, midulceamor.'* 
 The sounds produced no effect; and,
 
 164 THE STEYNE. 
 
 although the peer could raise the wind 
 as well as any other man, yet he failed 
 in raising the window on this occasion. 
 He thought he heard her sigh ; but it 
 was only the wind which whistled 
 through an aperture of the sash. 
 
 He therefore retired in evident agi- 
 tation, and cast himself indignantly on 
 his couch, previously fixing a trusty 
 guard of fighting men of Arragon upon 
 the door, with sign, word, and pass- 
 signal duly given ; all loyal men and 
 true, tried in the Peninsular war, and 
 with thirty-two inch blades warranted 
 never to fail. These were to watch 
 and report every motion of the fair 
 incognita, and by a rocket signal to 
 make it instantly known, so that she 
 could not escape the vigilant watch of
 
 THE STEYNE. 16^ 
 
 love. My lord now dropped asleep, 
 bat dreamt of cutting throats; and 
 awaking at a very early hour, took la 
 cJiocolata, and opened his levee. 
 
 My lord is a man of appetite as well 
 as of taste. No man eats a better 
 breakfast: it consisted of seventeen 
 kinds of food; and his levee consisted 
 of one Spanish secretary, one quack 
 doctor, four painters, two engravers, 
 one poet, one or two fiddlers, editors of 
 reviews, singers, and dancers, et cetera, 
 et cetera. There being no despatches, 
 the secretary had nothing to do but to 
 compliment his master, and to smoke 
 his cigar, for that day's share of a hand- 
 some annuity. The quack doctor had 
 performed the function of chiropaedist 
 to Muchacha Muchahita that morning,
 
 166 THE STEYKE. 
 
 and reported the harem all in a per- 
 fect state of salubrity : he also an- 
 nounced the unwelcome arrival of 
 Roxalana, my lord's household being 
 rather overstocked at present, and the 
 exchequer not in a very thriving con- 
 dition. Three painters came for their 
 bills, and were dismissed with the 
 most satisfactory assurances of taking 
 their respective demands into consi- 
 deration. The fourth had waited on 
 the peer to begin his whole length in 
 the character of Alexander the Great : 
 him, Zephyr was commanded to as- 
 sure of his master's best wishes, and 
 to put him off until another day. The 
 engravers had come with finished en- 
 gravings of sieges to he undertaken, 
 and a plan for the reduction of Cadiz ;
 
 THE STEY5E. 16? 
 
 but as all these natters were bow lakl 
 on the shelf, the plans were ordered 
 to be laid there also; and the uofbr- 
 tuoate artists were directed to call the 
 following week, when my lord wooid 
 make known to them vAoi Am^ wa€ <» 
 caUmgttin, The poet prodoced a 
 ode dedicated to the peer, and 
 dismissed with the most 
 proof of high consideratioB^ eamelj, a 
 very lo%c bow. The singers and daiicers, 
 being females, were all introdiioed, 
 and had separate audiences of fourteea 
 minutes each in my lord's cftw iy, or 
 rather in a room fitted np with that 
 appearance oiU^, 
 
 Mv lord had now finished tour rounds 
 of bread, a pot of marmalade, a broiled 
 chicken, and twdre dozen of prawns.
 
 168 THE STEYNE. 
 
 with libations of chocolate and tea in 
 proportion : he had smoked three pipes, 
 looked at all his miniatures, rubbed 
 his snuff-boxes bright, played with the 
 
 cane which the gave him, and 
 
 gone nine times over his chin with a 
 sharp razor, without meeting with the 
 resistance of a single hair, — when bet- 
 ter company was announced, consist- 
 ing of Jack Mavers, a provost from the 
 north country, a gentleman money- 
 lender, and Lord Leg, with his little 
 ruffian protege. 
 
 Jack Mavers is the son of a right 
 honourable mother, and his father bore 
 the name of an illustrious house. He 
 assumed it naturally enough, for no 
 title accompanied it. The old gen- 
 tleman went by the nick-name of
 
 THE STEVNE. I 69 
 
 annuity Jack, and was unconfimonly 
 fond of his money ; but honest Jack, his 
 son, is a very different cast of man, 
 and he scattered the pelf which sixteen 
 per cent, (so do annuities conscieU' 
 tiously run) had scraped together. It 
 was thought that he was going fast, 
 but he brought up under the lee of a 
 dowager duchess, who saw a je ne sais 
 quol about the bold dragoon, which 
 conquered her widowed heart. Mr. 
 M is a hospitable worthy fellow, 
 
 and merits his increase of fortune. 
 
 The northern is to the lord 
 
 what the jackall is to the lion : he 
 dances after his tail, fawns upon him, 
 takes his frowns or his smiles, and 
 makes a rare shade of a great man. 
 Like his countryman in the play, ht 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 170 THE STEYNE. 
 
 IS aye booing an* booing; and has aye 
 a smile at command, which acquires 
 him the name of a vara discreet body. 
 
 As to Lord Leg, and h'\s jeime pro- 
 tege^ no one can be fitter to " train up 
 a child in the way he should go" than 
 his lordship, nor " to teach the young 
 idea how to shoot'' — if it be shooting a 
 cat, or winging a pigeon, or making 
 a very lo7ig shot in the way of a nar- 
 rative. His last boyish protege was 
 a perfect mercury before he left him; 
 but the youth has now turned un- 
 grateful ; and, because his sister has 
 got a little up in the world, he is or- 
 dered to turn his back upon his old 
 patron, lest his morals should be cor- 
 rupted beyond a cure. But ingrati- 
 tude cannot be taught him by his
 
 THIi STEYNE. 171 
 
 benefactor, and we scarcely can give 
 the youngster credit for bearing honest 
 resentHDcnt to the peer for vitiating his 
 mind. 
 
 Lord Leg has also an appendage 
 which they call the doctor, for what 
 reason we know not; but great men 
 are fond of dependants, though less to 
 be depended upon than any race of 
 beings which we know. — Lord L. 
 visited his friend, in order to watch 
 how the hoax went on; and, finding 
 all right y reported to the great mover 
 and director of the plot. 
 
 At length Roxalana arrived, "shin- 
 ing in tears like April suns in showers,^' 
 and reproached her inconstant with his 
 multiplied infidelities? She played 
 deep tragedy,
 
 172 THli: STEYNE. 
 
 ,_ ■ *' and acting what no tongue could say, 
 Tore from her head the raven locks away.'* 
 
 The effect was perfect ; and it is cal- 
 culated that every hair cost a guinea, 
 ^ J^^nd every tear produced a ten-pound 
 note. After this touching scene, she 
 was prevailed upon to set out for Lon- 
 don with a suitable establishment, and 
 the promise of being followed by my 
 lord in a few days. Bills were drawn 
 to meet these demands (my lord is a 
 fine draftsman)^ and the money pro- 
 curer was admitted to an audience ir 
 consequence. The oaks and firs wil 
 probably groan under the woodman^ 
 stroke to answer this laudable end. 
 
 The attorney, ever ready to serv< 
 his lordship, would do his best: h< 
 only regretted that professional me^
 
 THE STEYNE. l73 
 
 were obliged to have recourse to the 
 tribe of money-lenders, who really 
 had less conscience than ever: they 
 were worse than the wandering tribes 
 of Arabs: those cursed annuities were 
 absolutely so many doors open to fraud 
 and usury, and yet, such were existing 
 circumstances — such was the pressure 
 of the times, that men of the first for- 
 tunes must go through their hands. 
 His heart always smote him when an 
 honourable client applied to him, and 
 when he was reluctantly obliged to 
 draw out the deeds. Here my lord 
 cut him short, and the indenture tri' 
 partite was prepared secundum artem» 
 
 Nothing had yet transpired concern* 
 ing the fair incognita: she had not 
 been heard of— she had not passed the 
 1$
 
 174 THE STEYNE. 
 
 threshold of the inn : the guard had 
 been relieved, but the garrison had not 
 sallied out : three billets doux had been 
 despatched, but no answer returned : 
 the cavalry was paraded under her 
 window to provoke a peep out, all to 
 no purpose : every stratagem, every 
 ruse de guerre failed, and it was not 
 like a well-born knight to storm her 
 outworks. What was to be done ? 
 Patience alone remained ; and our 
 general was resolved to be a second 
 Fabius: it was decided to set down 
 before the placed since the only answer 
 to all enquiries was, that the lady was 
 indisposed, could not be seen, must 
 not be intruded on. 
 
 Mortifying as all this was, yet it 
 became necessary to dine. The hour
 
 THE STEYNE. 176 
 
 was late; and Lord Leg must ere this 
 be waiting. — A last embassy: — still 
 no answer. The guard was doubled; 
 and my lord sallied forth. He had 
 not proceeded an hundred yards, when 
 Zephyr overtook him, and informed 
 him that the fair incognita had just 
 got into the mail, and had started 
 back for London. My lord was in 
 despair. Fig was ordered to gallop 
 full speed after the mail, and to secure 
 an inside place; whilst four posters 
 were put to the travelling chaise, so 
 as to overtake it at the first stage. 
 Meanwhile Zephyr was to despatch an 
 apology to Lord Leg, and to follow 
 his master in the curricle, and then to 
 proceed post from the first stage to 
 London. 
 
 I 4
 
 176 THE STEYNE. 
 
 All was accordingly put in motion; 
 and my lord beat the mail to the first 
 stage; being informed, however, on 
 the road, that there was no inside 
 place. Lord Leg lost not a moment 
 to inform the grand signor how finely 
 the hoax went on. Mirthful was the 
 feast that day ; and great the blaze of 
 beauty which adorned the palace ; the 
 enlivening cup went brisker round than 
 ever ; and success to the goose-chase 
 Avas drank with three times three. 
 Lord Leg retired as usual by sun-rise; 
 knocked up four frail sisters; and 
 singed three old men's wigs with a 
 lighted cigar on his way home. ** There 
 is not a place in the coach," said the 
 guard to Fig, the stud-groom: "a 
 lady of high rank and her own maid
 
 THE STEYNE. 177 
 
 have taken the mail to themselves/* 
 '' Aye/^ cried Fig, " and there is 
 another male whom the lady may have 
 to herself also, if she will admit him/' 
 '* We have positive orders,*' replied 
 the guard, " to admit no passengers; 
 so make yourself scarce : drive on, mas- 
 ter — allright, Don'tbeafeard, missis," 
 added he, addressing himself to the 
 lady, who looked out of the window: 
 '* there's no cause to be so timber- 
 some/* *' Well, then you wont give 
 us a place," answered Fig. " No, I 
 wont/* So, with a blast of the horn, 
 master double thonged the wheelers, 
 and drove on a rattling pace till fairly 
 out of sight. 
 
 " The murrain take my master/' 
 grumbled Fig to himself. " I wish he 
 15
 
 17S -THE STii^YNE. 
 
 was in Spain again. Oh ! the prime 
 fun we had in his absence I sixteen 
 horses to do as a body liked with : — 
 lent nags to half the pretty girls in 
 town — shoved in a brace of biddies into 
 the curricle, and whirled 'em along to 
 Cumberland Gardens — put the nags 
 upon short allowance, always four at 
 grass or at a straw-yard, and the 
 beasteses paid for all our fun. Oh 1 
 that master was in Spain again ! Making 
 a fool of poor servants, sending ^em a 
 wild goose chase after a parcel of dol- 
 lies, a body knows not who.'^ 
 
 Just at this juncture he met my 
 lord on the road, and informed him of 
 his failure of success. " Go on, my 
 boys,^' cried my lord,—" One pound 
 a-piece — never spare rowels and whip-
 
 THE STEYNE. 179 
 
 cord — forward — on, my brave fellows : 
 d — n your master's cattle." " Aye, 
 never mind they!'* shouted the boys. 
 " We'll not let the grass grow under 
 their feet, my lord duke. We knows 
 we have got a good master. Keep 'em 
 up, Joey,'* said the wheel-horse driver 
 to the leading boy: " tip 'em the go 
 by; nevermind the tits; his honour 
 pays like a prince." Here my lord 
 smiled; the wheels flew round like 
 lightning ; timbers and harness cracked 
 again ; they scoured through a canopy 
 of dust; hoofs and shoes rattled as in 
 a cavalry charge; it was delightful! 
 My lord thought himself once more in 
 the wars ! 
 
 They passed the mail, and arrived 
 before it at the first post. ** Gently,
 
 1 
 
 L ! 
 
 180 THE STEYNE, 
 
 Joey," cried the vvheel-horse driver ; — 
 bring up all standings or you'll cap- 
 size — vvho'h — my eyes ! the off wheel- 
 er's done — he'll be down in a minute — 
 help out my lord, ostler — down he 
 goes, dead as a herring. — Here's a 
 pretty kettle of fish ! — A rare bit of 
 blood he was ! — over worked a few; — 
 and this has finished him.'* " Never 
 mind,^' said my lord, " 1*11 pay his 
 price, and write to your master; — and 
 here's an additional pound a-piece for 
 you,^' said my lord. " All right, mas- 
 ter," continues the post-boy. *' Joey I 
 1 say he's the boy for the widow I 
 Mind, you don't nose; we'll swear that 
 a coach run agin us, and killed poor 
 cock-tail with the pole/' 
 
 My lord was in time to hand out the
 
 THE STEYNE. 181 
 
 lady, and to give her a gentle squeeze 
 of the hand. She bashfully withdrew, 
 and trembled, 
 
 " as the shade 
 
 \ By the light quiv'ring aspen made.'* 
 
 My lord was therefore too noble a ca- 
 ballero to trespass too far at the first 
 attack : he resolved to have recourse to 
 a stratagem ; and, exchanging great 
 coats with one of the post-boys, and 
 twisting a Belcher handkerchief round 
 his neck, he offered a guinea to the 
 mail-coach driver, and asked him to 
 let him mount the box. " I take no 
 bribe,^* said coachee ; " but you're 
 welcome to get up for the regular fare. 
 Pm a cock o'the game myself; IVe 
 seen the day too ; the turf and the 
 Jancy all know me ; come, trundle up.
 
 182 T\HE STEYNEr 
 
 no time to be lost. I see what you are 
 up to; keep your own council, and 
 rU not betray ye, I like to promote 
 fun ; have had plenty of it in my day ; 
 and can cut a swell occasionally even 
 now. — Get out of the way there, 
 chuckle-head : — ease that ere wheeler's 
 collar : — hand us the ribbands^ old gen- 
 tleman : — yep ! yep ! off she goes. — I 
 say, partner, that's a niceish bit in the 
 inside. — I stag you ; I'm up to your 
 gammon ; I'm down upon you. — I sup- 
 pose you're pretty much awake your- 
 self — up to a thing or two^ no doubt: — 
 all right; nothing like it; carry on; 
 that's my maxim ; make the most of 
 one's time. I'm a married man myself; 
 but what of that? all one a hundred 
 years hence: missis knows nothing of
 
 THE STEYNE. 18S 
 
 me when Vm out : so, I carry on. I 
 say, yep, yep. We don't sleep on the 
 box, you see." 
 
 Had Lord Leg been here, he would 
 have been at home to a peg : there 
 would have been a brace of them, as 
 they say at the fair; but my lord was 
 not up ; and coachee soon saw it ; and 
 he pitied him for not being so prime a 
 fellow as himself. But what he wanted 
 in flash, he made up for in good-nature; 
 aiid they jogged on as happy as possible, 
 to the end of their journey, occasion- 
 ally taking a sup of doctor on the road ; 
 my lord renewing his pipe, and coachee 
 replacing his quid, till they drove up 
 slap bang to the mark, pulling up to a 
 hair at the kirb-stone at Charing Cross, 
 at the usual house*
 
 184 THE STEYNE. 
 
 *' Hand 'em out," cried coachee ; 
 and down got my lord. The lady alit, 
 as usual, deeply veiled ; and my lord 
 gave her the accustomed tender press 
 of the finger and thumb,^ which she 
 bore, this time, without drawing back. 
 Her duenna also withdrew, and pro- 
 ceeded on foot, leaving the prize in her 
 captor's hand. What a happy moment ! 
 what a signal victory I He swore, he 
 protested ; he talked of love and of 
 gold ; he begged, he conjured her to 
 unveil. She hesitated. He pressed 
 her more closely. She hesitated, she 
 deliberated, and, ** whoeer deliberates 
 is lost/" Rare opportunity ! she hung 
 her head, she appeared *' nor bashful^ 
 nor obtrusive.'' At length she laughed ; 
 the curtain dropped ; my lord stood in
 
 THE STEYNE. 1S5 
 
 a studied attitude, all tip-toe in the 
 agony of expectant curiosity; the veil 
 was removed ! and behold the du- 
 enna ! a great lump of an elderly vi^ait- 
 ing woman. The fair incognita had 
 escaped. My lord struck his head: it 
 was an empty token of despair. The 
 domestic ran ofif; and thus ended the 
 journey. 
 
 '* Gone away 1'^ hooted coachee. 
 *' Never mind, master ; since she's 
 gone, let her go ; there are plenty of 
 the sort to be had ; shew contempt, 
 set ^em at naught. Til warrant you, 
 you'll hear of 'em again. Bless you, 
 they're keener after you than you are 
 after them : they smell the blunt, they 
 know that you can garnish : they've a 
 fine eye for a goldfinch, 1*11 be bound.
 
 1S6 THE STEYNE. 
 
 If you'll condescend to take a bit 
 of supper with a broken-down fox- 
 hunter, you are as welcome as my- 
 self. We don't starve, master ; and I'll 
 then tell you my history. We can 
 carry on until noon ; then I turn in 
 and take a snooze alongside missis till 
 four or five, dress as gay as you please, 
 take a bit of dinner, look in at the five's 
 court or the sparring-school for an hour, 
 smoke a pipe or two, and then on with 
 the box-coat, and ofi^ again — all right.'' 
 ' Thegood-humoured peeraccepted the 
 invitation, and accompanied coachee 
 to his quarters. This adventure served 
 to kill time, and that was all that was 
 wanted at that moment. Our gay dri- 
 ver lodged in two parlours contiguous 
 to the inn from whence his mail start-
 
 THE STEYNS. 187 
 
 ed. The furniture was his own : good, 
 nay even in part elegant, as far as cur- 
 tains, sofa, tables, etcetera, went. The 
 apartnient was decorated with well- 
 framed prims of sporting in all its bran- 
 ches, and with the series of engravings 
 representing the history of the high- 
 mettled racer: a hunting-whip and cap, 
 and a fox's brush, hung over the chim- 
 ney-piece : the hand screens were 
 mounted on deer's feet, and an otter's 
 skin served as a hearth rug: by the 
 fire stood a large chair ; a pair of mo- 
 rocco slippers were placed before it, 
 and a silver tobacco-box was laid on a 
 ledge beside it, having a neck and neck 
 race engraved on the top of it: the pic- 
 ture of a favourite horse hung over the
 
 188 THE STEYNE. 
 
 door; and two well-bred terriers lay 
 on the carpet. 
 
 All rose to meet the lord and master 
 with demonstrations of respect and joy: 
 his wife flew to take off his coat and to 
 kiss him, but drew back on perceiving 
 the stranger. «'• Come, come, Bet," 
 cried the knight of the whip, " no 
 nonsense ; do your duty as usual ; the 
 gentleman don't mind you ; he's not 
 come here to put you out of your way, 
 nor to palaver with you, though you 
 are a goodish-looking wench, but to 
 get a bit of supper : come, make us as 
 comfortable as you can in two shakes; 
 no excuses and compliments, but the 
 best you can muster. Have you sold 
 the pups ?" *' Yes, love,*' replied the
 
 THE STEYNE. 1S9 
 
 wife, who appeared to be perfectly well 
 drilled; and an excellent supper was 
 served in a moment. 
 
 Coachee seemed very fond of Bet ; 
 but, as he said, kept a tight rein ; and 
 amid many kind and involuntary looks 
 glanced at her, you might discover an 
 apprehension lest she should commit 
 herself by any awkward or vulgar word 
 or action. *' Poor Bet 1*^ said he to 
 his guest, when she went out of the 
 room, " she is but an unlettered coun- 
 try girl, with no more education than 
 a chamber-maid at an inn has in gene- 
 ral ; but the thing has a right good 
 heart ; and some how or other she hit 
 my eye on the road ; and I used to ob- 
 serve your young bucks buzzing about 
 her^ so I thought it a pity that she
 
 190 THE STEYNE. 
 
 should be led astray ; and I considered 
 it most honourable to make an honest 
 woman of her at once. Look sharp. 
 Bet/* said he, as she entered the room : 
 — " some more brandy and water for 
 the stranger, and bring it in the silver 
 cup that a pony of mine won in better 
 days, that's . a good girl.'*— Here he 
 gave her a slight touch of the whip 
 in good-nature, which she seemed to 
 receive as a striking proo f of regard. 
 *' Come, bear a-hand ; that's your sort; 
 and then leave the gentleman and me 
 to smoke a pipe and to have a little 
 chat/' She made a bob curtsey and 
 withdrew. 
 
 During the whole of the journey, he 
 had been very chatty and entertaining, 
 informing his companion on the box of
 
 THE STEYNE. 191 
 
 all the local news of the neighbourhood, 
 of the country politics, the hard runs 
 with the different packs of hounds in 
 the shires of Surrey and Sussex, like- 
 wise many a tough story of turf-tricks, 
 of the legs whom he knew by head^ 
 marky of the coach-loads of cyprians 
 sent down in the season to Brighton, 
 many anecdotes of loose fish, and a list 
 of the pretty girls who had set beside 
 him in the last year. He now, how- 
 ever, came to his own history in form, 
 which, after two tumblers of grog, he 
 commenced as follows:
 
 192 THE STEYNE. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 I WAS sent to Harrow, where I learn- 
 ed nothing but mischief; and the severe 
 floggings which I got so disgusted me 
 of Latin, that I could not bear the sight 
 of any thing in the form of a book, or 
 reading, exceptthe Racing Kalendarand 
 the newspaper ever since. From school 
 I proceeded to Oxford, where I kept 
 a couple of good horses, and perfected 
 myself in riding, and all the sports of 
 the field. I was on horseback from 
 morning until night, when I returned 
 to a hearty meal, and drank as much 
 black ink in the form of port wine as
 
 THE STEYNE. 193 
 
 would float a pleasure-boat. I had 
 nearly been expelled three tin:ies foi: 
 neglect, disobedience of the statutes of 
 the universitNS and for street-rows; but 
 good friends, fair promises, and the re-i 
 putation of being a good scholar, which 
 I got by spending one hundred a-year 
 on a poor servitor (the son of my pa-» 
 rish schoolmaster, who came in on the 
 foundation) and did'every thing forme, 
 kept me all right for three years; when 
 my father died, just in time to pay my 
 immense debts, which expensive habits 
 and good tick procured me. 
 
 '' My father meant mefor a clergyman ; 
 but as soon as he was stopped up 1 
 started as gentleman at large, with the 
 remains of seven hundred per annum^ 
 Vvhich had been my original fortune' 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194 THE STEYNE. 
 
 but which mortgages and annuities had 
 reduced to little more than half. My 
 first field was Brighton. I threw off 
 there with four greys, two for a cur- 
 ricle, and two hunters; and I got 
 through a season pretty decently. 
 
 ** I remember pretty goings on at the 
 palace. There was an old admiral 
 there, whose white horse was painted 
 black, and brought to him for sale : he 
 betted a hundred that there was not 
 such an animal in Europe as his white 
 nag; and the black one was betted 
 against him: he mounted him, and 
 swore that he was the errantest rip in 
 all England ; and then the laugh was 
 against him, and the murder all came 
 out. Another time they got an old 
 knight of the shire, half drunk, into a
 
 THE STEYNE. 195 
 
 pleasure-boat, with a sliding plank ; 
 
 and they let the poor devil into the 
 
 water, and frightened him into a fever, 
 
 " And then there was Sir Jackey 
 
 ^ , who used to fig, hag, and dock 
 
 the 's horses ; and his wife was 
 
 as handsome as a star: we used to 
 play at blind hazard and merry hell ; 
 and they lightened me a little of my 
 bit; but there was no withstanding 
 temptation. We used to play in 
 houses, in carriages, and even on 
 horseback ; and • has a dice- 
 box and dice, not bigger than the 
 top of your little finger, hung to her 
 watch-chain ; and many a thousand 
 has been lost upon it. But what was 
 my play to some folk's? Why, the 
 
 Duke of-—— ' lost forty thousand 
 
 K 2
 
 196 THE STEYNE. 
 
 pounds, I'm told, to young Hellish, 
 whose relations have made a fortune 
 by selling swine to the navy. 
 
 " Well, to be sure, what fortunes are 
 raked out of the hog-sty and the gut- 
 ter! I know a lord whose ancestors 
 vised to pick up rusty nails, and go 
 about with an ass for that purpose; 
 and then they got to be iron workers ; 
 next miners; and so on until they got 
 as rich as Cresus. As for my fore- 
 fathers, they have had the dirty acres 
 for six generations, until their foolish 
 descendant chose to sell them. 
 
 " But to return to the duke. — I met 
 him afterwards in London : he was 
 living at an hotel, because, as I was 
 
 told, failed near his own house: 
 
 so he stopped at the hotel as long as
 
 THE STEYNE. 197 
 
 it would do there. But, one day, 
 the ' of an hotel-keeper pulled up 
 
 in the middle of a grand dinner; and 
 there was the devil to pay. They 
 tried to seize his plate too ; but his 
 house was found out to be a privileged 
 place. Poor duke! 1 was quite sorry 
 for him ; for he is the most hearty, ge- 
 nerous, charitable fellow in the world: 
 as hearty and free as you please, bless 
 you : he and I got as thick as you like 
 together. By the bye, there is a cer- 
 tain fat lady with a fine voice, who is 
 no small favourite of his; but Til tell 
 you more about her presently. 
 
 *' Then I took it in my head that I 
 
 was a bold rider, and a dead good 
 
 judge of horse-flesh ; and Sir Jackey 
 
 gave me the notion of being my own 
 
 k3
 
 19S THE STEYNE. 
 
 horse-dealer and farrier, and of phy- 
 sicing my own cattle, and putting them 
 into condition, and making money by 
 them. So I starts for Leicestershire 
 the next season, and was up among 
 the first of them in the field every 
 hunting day. I got hold of a prime 
 set of fellows ; and was carrying ou 
 merrily, until I met a scapegrace 
 school-fellow, who took me in tow, 
 and introduced me to a Colonel ■■ " ■ 
 from India, a noted leg, and, in one 
 night, they cleaned me out, I was 
 obliged to sell my estate for eighteen 
 thousand pounds, and to pay them six 
 thousand of the money, which was all 
 that I had clear, after setding my 
 debts. 
 
 " I then came to town, and hung out
 
 THE STEYNE. 199 
 
 for a wife for a little time; but as I 
 mortally hated old and ugly ones, and 
 found that I could get nothing else 
 with money, I took a place as mail- 
 coachman, being a noted whip, and 
 well known on this road, where I 
 spent thousands ; and now I am quite 
 at home, and live like a 6ghting-cock. 
 I believe that I was made for a coach- 
 man. I'm quite in my element: and 
 there's many another besides me that 
 sits in parliament that would best be- 
 come a coach-box, if they would but 
 tell the truth. 
 
 I met young scapegrace just before 
 I got this job, and he wanted me to 
 go into the north with him, and offered 
 to put me vp: but I scorn that, and 
 am now beholden to nobody. I re- 
 K 4
 
 ;?00 THE STEYNE. 
 
 ceive a great many presents of game 
 and liquor from old friends; and these 
 help to make the pot boil. I now and 
 then buy a horse for some young no- 
 bleman ; and I act honourably by him : 
 he perhaps makes me a present of a 
 ten-pound note, which I can receive 
 without a blush, for honesty is the 
 best policy. Besides, every now and 
 then, some flash fellow, who has been 
 at school or college with me, or a bro- 
 ther sportsman, who has formerly seen 
 my turn-out in the field, treats me as 
 we go up or down : so that I drink my 
 wine yet; and that in an honest way, 
 which is more than some peers of the 
 realm can say/* 
 
 Here Lord H. smiled; coachee per- 
 ceived it; and, with becoming man-
 
 THE STEYNE. 201 
 
 liness, added, *' perhaps I am speaking 
 to one at present: if so, I can only 
 say, that nothing personal was meant. 
 I had not the honour to know you. I 
 am a plain but honest spoken man. 
 Where no ill is meant, none, I am sure, 
 will be taken. I am proud to say that 
 I flatter no man. I was independent 
 when at the top of the tree ; and I sit 
 down, at the bottom, calm and inde- 
 pendent, like a true Briton. I might 
 have been high up among the landed 
 interest of the country, for my estate 
 is now nearly doubled ; but 'tis no 
 longer mine. Life is all a stage; and 
 mine probably will end with the stage- 
 coach — all right : carry on, master.'* 
 
 Lord H. was delighted with his 
 candour and hospitality, shook him 
 K 5
 
 209 THvE STEYNE. 
 
 heartil}' by the hand, and told him his 
 name, asking him at the same time 
 what he could do to serve him. " No- 
 thing,*' replied coachee, " but to make 
 yourself welcome here, and to go by 
 my mail as often as you like.'* Here 
 he volunteered an excellent hunting 
 song, and next proceeded to sketch the 
 portraits of three of the persons just 
 alluded to. 
 
 LADY JEHEU. 
 
 Whilst reprobation and ridicule must 
 attach to fiddlers, to dancing-masters, 
 and tooth-drawers, created knights, 
 to monopolizers of grain, venal con- 
 tractors of swine's and other flesh for 
 our armies and navies, clippers of the
 
 THB STEYNE, 203 
 
 soldiers' coats, and destroyers of the 
 people's stomachs by deleterious in- 
 gredients—men who from these sources 
 acquire fortune, and rise to baronet- 
 cies ; whilst We exclaim against a spu- 
 rious nobility, and hold up our haikl 
 against the introduction of vulgar sub- 
 jects into the peerage ; we cannot help 
 regretting to see a class of female qua- 
 lity tainted by the association of ba- 
 
 ronet^s ladies, such as Lady J , the 
 
 quondam favourite of a very high per- 
 sonage—low born, half bred, and no 
 way becoming of her present station. 
 
 It may be said that her partner, like 
 a companion sitting by her on the box, 
 mingles not with nobility; that the 
 stable and the kennel served as bis
 
 204 THE STEYNE. 
 
 school and university; and that he 
 passed his early life amongst coachmen, 
 jockies, gamblers, and grooms, and is 
 now dedicating his venerable declining 
 years to the improvement of ostlers and 
 farriers, of coachmakers and stable- 
 keepers, whilst he is bestowing his 
 leisure hours on retired legs, and de^ 
 cayed demireps; thereby innocently 
 mixing the utile et dulci, without mo- 
 lestation to any one. 
 
 The fact is otherwise :— bad example 
 must accrue from triumphant vice, and 
 from exalted immorality; the female 
 ear must be wounded in having Lady 
 so and so*s carriage called up after 
 
 h?.dy J 's; the female eye must 
 
 suffer dejection, and the high blush
 
 THE STEYNE. 205 
 
 arise, on seeing nobility thus repre- 
 sented in public, and chronicled in al- 
 manack or red book. 
 
 Men of birth ought to be men of 
 education, and men of education should 
 be men of principle. If this were the 
 case, too much sense of propriety 
 would guide their actions, and too 
 scrupulous a regard both of birth and 
 situation in life, to allow them either 
 to mingle with the low and unprinci- 
 pled of their own sex, or to ally them- 
 selves with the ill-born or profligate of 
 the other ; and if powerful love made a 
 solitary deviation from the general rule, 
 secluded retirement or living abroad 
 should atone for the offence against 
 their peers.
 
 ^6 THE STEYNE, 
 
 LORD QUALIFY, 
 
 Lord , a senator by virtue of 
 
 his peerage^ et cetera, is the very pearl 
 of a magistrate. He has for his motto 
 the most appropriate device, to which 
 be has rarely acted up. 
 
 Now the family of this senateur par 
 excellence is not very old in point of 
 nobility; but it doubtless must have 
 been so in point of antiquity; for his 
 ancestors existed in the iron age ; and, 
 what is very uncommon with them, 
 th« age of gold has succeeded to the 
 age of iron; whilst in many more fa- 
 milies it has been vice versa, and, in 
 some houses, uninterruptedly the reign 
 of brass. 
 
 But what has the senator been about
 
 THE STEYNE. SO? 
 
 of late? Has he raked up out of the 
 bowels of the earth this new system of 
 give and take? Is he undermining the 
 constitution, by making and unmaking 
 freeholders ; by setting up men of straw 
 to vote ; and, when the job is over, by 
 letting them drop into their former 
 nothingness? However, the peer has, 
 to his cost, found that the man of straw 
 has turned out a man of metal, and is 
 as tough as iron: this may bring the 
 business to a bar, which the noble 
 senator was not aware of. How can 
 the man be so hard hearted ; he must 
 have an cestriplex circa pectus to con- 
 tend thus with the independent and 
 unbiassed elector. 
 
 How free, how creditable are suf- 
 frages of this kind ! What a pity it is
 
 208 THE STEYNE. 
 
 that a cast figure of bronze, or of iron, 
 or brass, could not be found to answer 
 the purpose of these nominal voters, 
 as they would not be so tenacious of 
 property as the man of straw ! Why 
 should not a littie machinery here be 
 substituted for the hand of labour^ since 
 peers make such a bad hand of these 
 demi automaton voters^ where the ma' 
 chine is so apt to go wrong! But w^e 
 would advise my lord to be more cau- 
 tious in future ; for if the magistrate 
 indicates the man, the one or the other 
 ought speedily to undergo reform, or 
 the constitution must be in danger 
 from such magistrates and such men.
 
 THE STEYNE. 209 
 
 MRS. SILVERTONE. 
 
 When matter and manner combine, 
 there must certainly be a great portion 
 of merit in the possessor. Allowing 
 these data to be true, we can no longer 
 dispute the palm to this accomplished 
 singer, nor do we mean to do so ; for 
 she adds to much suavity of voice no 
 inconsiderable degree of taste, acquired 
 at the best of schools (the Italian one) ; 
 and, as a performer, she is neither 
 tricky, nor full of fanciful evil inven- 
 tions, like Braham, but has received a 
 finished musical education, seconded 
 by a sensible conception, and no small 
 portion of pains bestowed on obtaining 
 vocal knowledge.
 
 910 THE STEYNE. 
 
 Born of a noble family in narrowed 
 circumstances, her motive for drawing 
 pecuniary resource from her talent was 
 laudible ; and, as she increased in mag- 
 nitude of person and ability, it would 
 have been burying her taletit indeed, 
 not to exhibit it as extensively as pos- 
 sible. This she did ; having delighted 
 not only the public at large in the three 
 kingdoms, in France and in Ital}', but 
 being a favourite in the first circles at 
 these courts. At Naples, in particular, 
 she received the warmest patronage 
 from the king and queen, and com- 
 menced a sincere friendship with a fa- 
 mily (then officially and diplomati- 
 cally placed au premier rang), which 
 continued until death closed the scene
 
 THE STEYXE. 211 
 
 of all human affections, and mortal at- 
 tachments. 
 
 At that gay court also, Mrs, Silver- 
 tone captivated a travelling prince, 
 whose tendre for her has not yet ex- 
 pired, but seems, if we may judge by 
 external appearance, to be in a high state 
 of preservation. This worthy prince, in 
 common with his illustrious brother, is 
 a little materiel^ as the French call it, 
 in his taste, and more an admirer of the 
 Jiesh than of the spirit. 
 
 We recollect Mrs. S. (both abroad 
 
 and at home) as a very pretty woilian ; 
 
 and there is a comeliness still in her 
 I 
 ^countenance, which puts us in mind of 
 
 a full-blown rose on a mountain. 
 
 During Mrs. S*s sejoiir at Naples,
 
 212 THE STEYNE. 
 
 her first husband died suddenly of an 
 apoplectic fit; and his widovvj after the 
 usual time common/y bestowed on weep- 
 ing and mourning, bestowed her fair 
 
 hand on a Monsieur — , for 
 
 whom she has handsomely provided, 
 by allowing hi;n to retire on her estate 
 near Venice, purchased literally by her 
 7iotes, She has not, however, honour- 
 ed this gentleman by the adoption of 
 his name, convinced probably that it 
 would be rather an alteration than an 
 improvement; and following a custom 
 very prevalent abroad amongst profes- 
 sional people, of retaining the name 
 under which their celebrity took place. 
 
 Weknownot whetherMonsieur 
 
 bears her absence with fortitude and
 
 THE STEYNE. 213 
 
 resignation, and if he consoles himself 
 as his countrymen in general do ; but 
 we should imagine at all events that 
 he must look for 2i great change^ au re- 
 tour de Madame. 
 
 At length, a parting glass of grog con- 
 cluded the narrative and other amuse- 
 ments. Lord Heathermoiint, whose 
 heart is certainly in the right place, 
 gave him a snufF-box as a keepsake, 
 and contrived to slip his last twenty 
 pounds into it, as a present. He then 
 took a warm bath, drove to his banker's 
 for a reinforcement, and returned home, 
 throwing himself for a few hours on a 
 couch, where interrupted repose left
 
 214 THESTEY.^E. 
 
 his mind occupied with nothing but 
 his loss of time and money, his fevered 
 state of body, his heavy disappoint- 
 ment, and more desire than ever to find 
 out the incognita.
 
 THE STEY^E. 215 
 
 CHAPTER. VL 
 
 After receiving the morning report 
 of his female corps, and promising to 
 pass them all in review the next day, 
 Lord Heathermount prepared for din- 
 ner. Zephyr had by this time arrived 
 with letters from Tiranna, who had 
 orders to remain at Brighton, and from 
 divers others of the polygamical esta* 
 blishment. Tiranna, in the warmest 
 strains, complained that all nature was 
 in mourning, and the whole world in 
 '^darkness visible'^ to her, since the 
 light of her eyes *' lumbre de mis ajas" 
 was withdrawn. This love simile of
 
 216 THE STEYNE. 
 
 obnubilation delighted the peer ex- 
 ceedingly: it gave him a relish for his 
 dinner and for Tiranna. 
 
 Zephyr was now despatched to collect 
 a party for dinner. He could procure 
 only Colonel O^Blunder and four ar- 
 tists, with whom the peer sal down to 
 dinner at eight o'clock. The colonel 
 made bulls by the stop-watch, which 
 vastly des ennuieed my lord ; and the 
 artists were not less communicative; 
 every one's conversation savouring of 
 his profession. 
 
 Mr.Easle, theportrait-painter, talked 
 of the features of a case, the colour and 
 complexion of an argument, the lights 
 and shades of a character, the perspec* 
 /ive happiness which peace promised, 
 the outline o^ condnct to be observed,
 
 THE STEYNE, 217 
 
 and drew a general picture of the state 
 of affairs: he called the Duchess of 
 R — —.^d a jftnished painting, Lady A. 
 a very rough sketch of quality, Lady 
 H -" ■■■ ■ a perfect transparency^ Lady 
 R ■ - ■ ■■ a daub, Mr. B— — 1 an ori« 
 ginal, all Dandies bad copies^ Mr, 
 Br— h — m a borrowed light, and nine- 
 tenths of thq House of Commons mere 
 shades. 
 
 The architect who built his hopes on 
 the promises of the peer was not less 
 professional \i\ his conversation. A mu- 
 sician then enlivened the conversation 
 awhile ; and made a curious com- 
 parison betwixt my lord and another 
 militaire; calling my lord a brave^ and 
 his contrast a semibrave^ or rather semi'^ 
 
 VOL. I, L
 
 218 THE STEYNE. 
 
 hreve! n*importe. This brought on 
 the Spanish campaign, where the co- 
 lonel had an opportunity of cutting a 
 figure. He fought a desperate engage- 
 i ment with the bottles and glasses, 
 .which he had ranged en bataille, to ex- 
 plain the battle of Toulouse. Sala- 
 manca and the forts were described 
 with oranges and confectionary, and 
 Vittoria was interrupted by the arrival 
 of three frail fair ones, when a dis- 
 cbarge of ^rape concluded the affair for 
 awhile. 
 
 It was, however, resumed again, and 
 
 Lord H told his story ; the ladies 
 
 marvelling all the time, and hoping that 
 his wounds had riot affected his bodily 
 health, or disabled any of his members.
 
 THE STEYNE. 219 
 
 The flush of Burgundy was now seen, 
 and 
 
 *' PleasM with the-sound^ the peer grew Tain," 
 
 Fought all his battles o'er again ; 
 And thrice he routed all his foes, 
 
 And thrice he slew the slain." 
 
 Madame *#*#9^* was now asked 
 for a song ; and out of compliment to 
 the fighting peer, she sung the follow-, 
 ing, composed for the usurper King of 
 Holland, Buonaparte's brother; direct- 
 ing her glances at Lord H, at every 
 verse, which both* of them conceived 
 to be analogue. 'AsThe song has much 
 delicacy of sentiment and elegance of 
 expression, though, in our opinion, in- 
 finitely inferior to *« Oh ! then remem- 
 ber me," which it resembles, we have 
 subjoined it, with a translation, 
 l2. 
 
 ^ J
 
 220 THE STEYNE. 
 
 Vous me quittez pour aller a la gloire; 
 
 Mon triste ccBur suivrait par tout vos pas : 
 Allez-volez au temple de memoire, 
 
 Suircz Phonneur; mais~ne m^oublie^ pas. 
 
 A vos devoirs, comme k l*amour fidele, 
 Cherchez la gloire, evitez le trepas ; 
 
 Daos les combats, ou I'honneur vous apeie, 
 Distinguez vous; mais — ne m'oubii^z^gas^ 
 
 Que faire helas ! dans mes peines cruelles ; 
 Je crains la paix autant que les combats : 
 1 VoHZ y verez tant de beaut^s nouvelles, 
 ^^ Vous leurs plalrez j mais — ne m'oubliez pas. 
 
 Oui Tous plairez, et vous vaincrcz sans cesse, 
 Mars, et Tamour suivront par tout vos pas ; 
 • De vos succes gardez la douce yvresse, 
 "■ n Soyez heureux ; mais — ne m^oubliez pas, 
 
 TRANSLATION. 
 
 Thou quit'st these arms, my love, in glory *s 
 cause; 
 
 Attendant on each step this heart shall be : 
 Fly to fame's temple, merit our applause, 
 
 Tread honour's path; but still forget not me.
 
 tHE STEYNE. 291 
 
 To duty faithful, in thy love sincere, 
 
 In honour's ranks still may'st thou fore- 
 most be ; 
 Yet Heaven preserve a life so truly dear, 
 
 . And whilst thou combatest, forget uot me. 
 
 In peace or war alike, I feel not ease ; 
 
 Fresh beauties in each foreign clime thou'lt see; 
 I dread their charms, who know thy pow'r to 
 please ; 
 
 But in thy conquests — still forget not me. 
 
 Yes — thou wilt conquer both in peace and war : 
 Venus and Mars in turns shall favour thee; 
 
 Yet, whilst the laurel twines about thy car, 
 Enjoy the triumph — but forget not me. 
 
 The song was exceedingJy applauded, 
 and the last verse was encored. The 
 
 fieer flattered himself that every ide^ 
 n it was adapted to his character and 
 exploits. An improvisatore now com- 
 menced, and went through forty stan- 
 zas on the peninsular war, and in praise 
 L 3
 
 S92 THE STEYNE. 
 
 of his patron and host, with incon^ 
 ceivable rapidity. The amount of his 
 heroic poem was to prove that Alex- 
 ander or Caesar were nothing to Lord 
 H ; that they were called to high com- 
 mands by ambition and interest, and 
 that they fought for power, nay, even 
 for their existence and their crown, 
 whilst themagnanimous Heathermount, 
 gently gliding down the tranquil stream 
 of felicity and pleasure, sacrificed his 
 elegances and comforts, to endure the 
 rigours of war, from patriotic and dis- 
 interested motives, without ambition 
 ,or. interest, without fee or reward ! He 
 ^ then drew a parallel betwixt Buona-W 
 parte and his benefactor, in which he 
 bespattered the usurper unmercifully: 
 he called him briccone, hirbone^ ladrone^
 
 THE STEYNE. 223 
 
 usurpatore e tyranno; and he proved, 
 luce clariusy that he was nobody at all 
 when compared with the right honour- 
 able general. There was so much of 
 the extravaganza in his last couplet, 
 such out-heroding herod, that it could 
 only be compared to the grenadier's 
 impromptu, made at a review on Louis 
 the Fourteenth, who had just returned 
 from some of his successful campaigns, 
 and was as follows: "Sire! Csesar 
 Auguste et Pompee n*etaient que trois 
 Jeans f s vis a vis votre majeste." | ^ 
 
 When the improvisatore had con- 
 cluded, a peal of applause, loud as 
 thunder, rung in the vaulted ceiling ; 
 and the illustrisshno Signor Compofionts 
 health was drank with the most ample 
 and unqualified marks of distinction 
 L 4 
 
 m
 
 S94 THE STEYKE. 
 
 and approbation. ** Pray, my dear 
 signer,'* said Colonel O'Blunder, " how 
 long ago did you make that impromptu^ 
 and how much time did it take you to 
 compose that beautiful specimen of 
 versification ?" " It take mi di same 
 
 ^ time to make mi impromptu^ dat it 
 take you to link bifore you spik,'^ an- 
 swered the arch Italian. " Faith, then, 
 honey," said the colonel, ** it tuk you 
 no time at all at all, and a great deal 
 less trouble ; for I never think about 
 
 ^ I what Tm going to say, until after I've 
 • said it/' This bull created much 
 laughter, when a second song was so- 
 licited from another fair visitor. She 
 gave them the old, but pretty French 
 air of—
 
 THE STEYNE. 225 
 
 } ^* Plaisirs d'amour ne darent qa*aii moment, 
 •4^ Peines d-amour darent.toute la rieJ* 
 
 • " Pleasares of love a moment last, 
 *****'^i '^^^ pains of lore are nerer past," 
 
 This called forth much praise, ex- 
 cept from the other females, who looked 
 jealously and contemptuously on the 
 canlairice. Lord H. persuaded him- 
 self, from the choice made of a song, 
 that the singer was deeply enamoured 
 of him ; and (good creature) he re- 
 solved to take pity on her; for his is 
 an easy, roomy, and accommodating 
 hearc, perfectly answering: to his ex- 
 tensive attachment to the sex. The 
 poet next figured for the second lime, 
 in praise of the beauties before him, 
 and concluded some nonsense, ter- 
 
 minating with 
 
 L 5
 
 S26 THE STEYNp. 
 
 dlvino, 
 
 amor e buon vino. 
 
 i .•<' 
 
 Then, taking his glass in his hand,*he 
 saluted the company. The painfref, 
 addressing him in French, and taking 
 bis glass also, said, " Monsieur le 
 poete, voila ! le meilleur verre de 
 tous :" that is par le moyen d'un 
 Calembourg, this is the best verse of 
 all ; vers being a verse, and verre a 
 glass, the pronunciation the same in 
 both. The conversation now turned 
 upon poets : some preferred the British 
 bards; but the majority, out of com- 
 pliment to their host, gave the meed 
 of praise in preference to the Scottish 
 poets. Here the colonel judiciously 
 observed, that it was a great want of 
 good taste in * ., the poet^^
 
 THE STEYNE. 22? 
 
 not to have celebrated his countryman, 
 Lord Heathermount's, deeds of arms. 
 
 The ladies now proposed to with- 
 draw^ when my lord presented thiem 
 with hjs admission to the opera, in- 
 forming them that they would still be 
 in time for the last ballet ; that his box 
 was empty ; and that his carriage would 
 be ready in five minutes, for he had 
 always an orderly chariot in waiting,^ 
 for the conveyance of beauty, wherever 
 the beau sexe might command. '* Qu'il 
 est galant!" exclaimed the Cantatrice r 
 and a general salute took place ; for 
 the lovely triumvirate (as the colonel 
 termed them) flew, all at once, to em- 
 brace the peer, who received then^ 
 with his accustomed warmth. 
 
 It was next hinted that there waaai
 
 g'28 THE STEYNE. 
 
 select masquerade in town, and that 
 it would be a delightful finish to go 
 there. This point was agreed upon : 
 the ladies were to go first to the opera, 
 leaving the gentlemen to take a parting 
 glass : the peer was to look in at the 
 opera for awhile, and then to meet his^ 
 fair friends at the masquerade. Tickets 
 were sent for, and presented to the 
 ladies; and they settled what dresses 
 they were to wear, in order not to 
 miss each other. After many choices 
 and changes, it was fixed upon that 
 Lord H. should go in the ancient 
 costume of a Caslilian cavalier, armed 
 a tout pointy and that the ladies should 
 be habited as nuns. 
 
 A ticket was also given to each 
 of the artists ; and one was offered to
 
 THE STEYNE, 229 
 
 the colonel, but rejected on the score 
 of a pre-engagement to Lady Cassino's 
 route. " I ought/' added he, " to 
 have been there two hours ago, but I 
 preferred this happy circle, and Fm 
 sorry fort; but one must disappoint 
 somebody, for I couldn't be in tico 
 places at the same time, unless I were a 
 bird'* A loud laugh ; and the party 
 separated. 
 
 My lord looked in at the opera, and 
 
 picked up young , the son of 
 
 the svvearing parson ; and they lounged 
 arm in arm into Fop's Alley. Here, 
 people of high fashion go, not with the 
 intention of hearing the opera, but 
 with the design of preventing others 
 from attending to it: they cock their 
 glass at all around them, for a man of
 
 S30 THE STEYNE. 
 
 taste must be near-sighted; they nod 
 and telegraph to their favourites and 
 acquaintance, chatter to the women in 
 the lower tier of boxes, talk loud, and 
 laugh insipidly, until the curtain drops, 
 which is acting quite comme ilfauU 
 
 This Master is a hopeful 
 
 youth, and a worthy copy of the pa- 
 ternal original. He is just white- 
 washed by an insolvent act, and gets^ 
 on gayer and more expensively thart 
 he did before. He is an admirable 
 Cicerone; for he will point out every 
 demirep in town, and amuse you at a 
 theatre, with the private anecdotes of 
 every family of note. " There," said 
 be, " there's Lady Lucy Languish^ 
 who 1 had in my arms last night/'^ 
 " Hold your tongue, you monster/*
 
 THE STEYNE. 231 
 
 said the peer. *' I mean as a waltzing 
 
 partner/' replied . «' Well," 
 
 said Lord H. " I think this mode of 
 explaining the circumstances of a waltz 
 would be no bad lesson to the waltzing 
 ladies." 
 
 " Look," added . Scapegrace, " at 
 the little fat countess, with her foreign 
 husband behind her: pray, give her a 
 nod; the poor devil will put her neck 
 out of joint else : she has bee n duck », 
 ing her noddle at you this half hour, 
 and, probably, has not been acknow- 
 ledged by a man of title since she came 
 in, which is enough to break her heart. 
 She does dearly love to talk of people 
 of condition. I'm sure she^s in high 
 coyiditiouy if all which we see be hnrd 
 meat. By jove, if she was mine, I
 
 932 THE STEYNE. 
 
 would make her up, and sell her," 
 •* Capital,*' cried my lord. " Is not 
 that Bang-up who's making private 
 
 signals?'* " Yes,'* replied • ; 
 
 *' but I shall not answer them.'* 
 
 " Mind Old Pagoda the Nabob, with 
 his piebald family. I wonder how 
 much he will give those dingy devils 
 set in diamonds there ? They'll doubt- 
 less fall to the lot of some dished 
 guardsman. By Jove, there's 
 
 ALDERMAJT GUTTLE. 
 
 " This is brother , who, having 
 
 been to the promontory of noses, has 
 gotten to himself a goodly one. This 
 
 is also the brother of , whose 
 
 independence in and out of the livery 
 is such, that he votes from conscience, 
 and only got for brother a
 
 THE STEYNE. 233 
 
 situation of twelve hundred per an- 
 num. 
 
 *' The alderman's merit lies in his 
 nose^ but ' every man knows' that 
 there is something more in a nose than 
 is commonly imagined. And first, if 
 a man can follow his nose, he is not 
 an idiot; secondly, men with huge 
 noses are /jromiwew/ characters ; thirdly, 
 a nose may stand betwixt it's owner 
 and danger; fourthly, as a painter with 
 a double nose is rare and valuable, so a 
 man with a double quantity of the same 
 organ has a good chance of smelling 
 out a good dinner, or a good living, 
 or gunpowder so as to avoid it, or 
 danger so as to be prepared for it ; and 
 then, a whole military line may be 
 dressed upon a nose ; and as the alder-
 
 254 THE STEYNE. 
 
 man is of the honourable » com- 
 
 pany, a brigade might be dressed on 
 the same object, and he might, in case 
 of urgency, if well primed with turtle, 
 venison, old port, old rack punch, and 
 other combustibles, save a slow match, 
 or a fuse, and set off the cannon at a 
 point, 
 
 " Then a nose sounds so like V8^, that 
 the one might be mistaken for the 
 other, and from corruption might be 
 pronounced the same, particularly after 
 dinner, and in the city, where the 
 three per cent, consols, were at one time 
 compounded with the three consuls 
 during the republic of France — a fair 
 time enough for confounding one thing 
 with another ! Lastly, like a hand-post, 
 it must be of infinite utility to young
 
 THE STEYNE. 2355 
 
 or inexperienced citizens and politi- 
 cians, in directing them to the high 
 road of promotion, and for the purpose 
 of dressing by the rights so as to vote 
 with the strongest party. 
 
 '* Should the head of the executive 
 notice this insignis nose, and confer 
 on the possessor the honour of knight- 
 hood, he will never be reproached for 
 confering the dignity on one who is 
 not a man of scents, and of sense also. 
 
 The late Lord followed his nose 
 
 to the peerage, with the unlordlike 
 name of * Pepper Arden, more appli- 
 cable to a cook than to a senator; and 
 why should not the alderman be led 
 by the same organ to the distinction of 
 
 * The French used to call this gentleman 
 Monsieur Poivre Ardent,
 
 936 THE STEYNE. 
 
 Sir——, and thence fo both houses 
 of paFliament, bearing the foUowing 
 device ? 
 *' Non ciilcunque datum est, habere Nasura !'* 
 
 ** What a neat opera article the alder* 
 man makes ! Nature never designed 
 that fellow for the bonton: be ought 
 never to have been any thing beyond a 
 vender of bacon, " That would have 
 been a bore,'* said Lord H. " Beau- 
 tiful V^ cried ■■-; <* the only good 
 thing I ever heard you say, peer/' 
 ** That's because you must be either 
 deaf or stupid." <' Muy obiigato se- 
 nor!^' added his friend. 
 
 *' Who have we here?" exclaimed 
 
 Lord H. ''Nobody,'' answered ; 
 
 " forit'sonly Sir James Negative. — My 
 dear baronet, your most obedient, —
 
 THE STEY'NE. 237 
 
 (d — d fool : aside to Lord H,J, I am 
 very glad to see you (hate the fellow : 
 aside J don't let us hinder you from 
 getting a better place: (meant to get 
 rid of him). A tantoty as we say in 
 France (mutual shaking of hands). 
 How glad I am that he's off!" " Don't 
 you know him ?" '* Not in the least." 
 ** No loss, I assure you: but Til tell 
 you a little of his biography in a mo- 
 ment/' 
 
 By all that's masculine, there goes 
 
 LADY fig! 
 
 Her ladyship, from her earliest youth, 
 showed a decided taste for — what ?— 
 music? - no— dress? — oh! no — jead- 
 ing ?— less than all— what then ?— . 
 for— the stable,— She wa^^a woman of
 
 23S THE STEYNE. 
 
 breeding; for she hred her own nags— 
 and nothing else ; and she even nowy in 
 hersenectude, boasts — " that she hap- 
 pens to know what a horse is.'^ 
 
 This love of the animal, in her ten- 
 der yeUrs, led her to sport her figure 
 en Amazone, and encroached upon the 
 contents of her purse. She had a 
 number of favourites of the horse kind, 
 and, like most favourites, they became 
 expensive. So tender, too, was her 
 ladyship to her quadrupeds, that her 
 predilection for the brute creation 
 caused great jealous}' in her grooms, 
 and they grumbled at being worse 
 treated than the dumb inhabitant of 
 the stable. In this description, how- 
 ever, her ladyship could not be classed;
 
 THE STEYNE. 239 
 
 for although she passed a great portion 
 of her precious time in that abode, no 
 one ever accused her even of taci- 
 turnity, much less of the privation of 
 the organ of speech. 
 
 Her ladyship was not only constantly 
 seen, but audibly heard in that scene 
 of elegant recreation, where all the 
 motions of her cattle were minutely 
 watched by her. From these, by long 
 experience and rigid economy, her re- 
 flective powers suggested delicate and 
 very curious remarks; and, whatever 
 deficiency in arithmetical calculation 
 might exist in her enlarged mind on 
 other subjects, she calculated the in- 
 comings and out'goings of the horse 
 with the exaciesi nicetf/. ^-Her grooms, 
 however it might go agaimi the grain^
 
 240 THE STEYNE. 
 
 were obliged to answer all inquiries, 
 and to give all possible explanation on 
 a matter so connected with her lady- 
 ship's interest, so fitted to her capa- 
 city, and of which she was so com- 
 pletely mistress ; and we are informed 
 that this very novel table of savings, 
 so useful though unsavoury, was the 
 cause of the dismissal of many of her 
 coachmen, helpers, et cetera. 
 
 In spite, however, of this admirable 
 reform^ and the abolition of all sinecure 
 places^ her cavalry establishment being 
 composed of moderately paid, hard- 
 working men, yet the indulgence oiT 
 her refined taste, and her frequent vi- 
 sits to the stable, proved her to be 
 going to racA', and we fear that — 
 1 — ,— . _-. niay be the conse-
 
 THE STEYNE. SI I 
 
 quence. Should it occur, it will al- 
 ways be regretted that so useful and 
 ornamental a member of society, de- 
 voting a life of diligent research to so 
 laudable a purpose, should, like the im- 
 mortal Pitt, allow her personal inte- 
 rests to suffer so materially. We hope 
 that a pension may be voted to her by 
 her country ; and that after her demise 
 an equestrian statue may be raised to 
 her memory, to be placed in a veteri- 
 nary college, as a tribute worthy of 
 one who might have been a distin- 
 guished professor of that art. 
 
 We forgot, by the bye, to mention 
 that her ladyship*s cares sometimes ex- 
 tend also to the canine tribe ; one of 
 them being so great a favourite, that 
 when her ladyship goes to the opera, 
 
 VOL, I, M
 
 542 THE STEYNE. 
 
 a waiting-maid has half-a-crown given 
 to her as a bribe, to sit with Gypsey on 
 her lap during her ladyship's absence ; 
 and if it ever is discovered that any one 
 has dared to feed this divine animal 
 with vulgar food, an emetic is instantly 
 administered by her ladyship, who 
 watches most affectionately the pro- 
 gress of its operation. 
 
 " And who is our fat friend, just ri- 
 sing to go out ?*^ said the peer, pointing 
 to a very corpulent woman of quality. 
 *' She ? — why, she is the most decided 
 gamester in England — no losses nor 
 misfortunes can deter her from play. 
 
 She has had husbands, all of whom 
 
 she has ruined ; from the last she is 
 separated by a deed, allowing her two 
 thousand per annum; but screening her
 
 THE STEYNE. 243 
 
 husband from all further claims of debts 
 contracted by her. This allowance is 
 always anticipated ten-fold ; and how 
 she gets on, is astonishing. The tiara, 
 necklace, and ear-rings, which you see, 
 are only pseudo diamonds. Her trades- 
 men and servants are generally changed 
 half yearly. Sometimes she gives great 
 dinners, where you have a chance to 
 meet with wine-merchants, silver- 
 smiths, and attornies, her unpaid land- 
 lord, and an untried money-lender. Her 
 house is the refugium peccatorum of 
 flawed nobility, male and female : you 
 are sure to find there divorced and re- 
 married ladies, Right Honourables, on 
 whose account the fama clamosa has 
 lately and loudly been busy ; peers and 
 commoners who are marked men, and 
 M 3
 
 244 THE STEYNE. 
 
 avoided for some officious report float- 
 ing in the higher circles; or she, with 
 adnnirable address, invites and pairs off 
 at dinner secret lovers and undisco- 
 vered connexions ; all of which cha- 
 racters are very liberal and attentive to 
 their accommodating friends, and ren- 
 der great and extensive services to their 
 generous hostess. 
 
 '' Apropos : our friend, Mrs. L. visits 
 her^ and has acquired from Count B— - 
 a most excellent nick-name: he calls 
 her /a commode^ and her four daughters, 
 les qualre tiroires. Close by her side is 
 
 young 11 ,• the vainest boaster in 
 
 town. I suppose that he has promised 
 her something which he will never per- 
 form. He had the impudence to ask 
 me if he should give me a cast in his
 
 THE STEYNE. ^45 
 
 vis-vis after the opera/ when I know 
 that the fellow never kept any thing 
 but a tilbury, and an ill-looking groom, 
 in his life ; and I discovered a bit of 
 straw sticking to his stocking: a most 
 indisputable proof of his having come 
 inajervy! He manages, however, to 
 get into half the good houses in town, 
 by pretending to be received in the 
 other half; by finding out rivals and 
 objects of envy, and joining the oppo- 
 site party in abusing them ; and, finally, 
 by being a carrier of on dits from one fa- 
 mily to another. He made a bold push 
 last summer to get into the palace 
 at———, but every avenue was closed 
 to him. 
 
 " Pray look at that 2Wpic/, just come 
 into Fop's Alley, and leaning against 
 M 3
 
 246 THE STEYNE, 
 
 the wall, as if too delicate to support 
 himself: — in one sense^ I believe he is. 
 He affects to hate every thing that is 
 English, and has sold out of the dra- 
 goons, in order to make the grand tour 
 of polished Europe. The bears of the 
 northern climes he means to avoid." 
 At this moment Sir M. — entered 
 
 the pit, and bawled out, " A , 
 
 bring your friend to sup with me at 
 the Mount. I am painting my house, 
 stables, and all." *' You had better 
 have the whole concern whitewashed^'^ 
 
 said A , laughing. " D — d good !'^ 
 
 replied the baronet, and flounced out, 
 making a tremendous noise. " What a 
 
 clatter you make !" said A— . 
 
 " Who ever goes to the opera to hear V 
 replied the baronet. *' I brought my
 
 THE STEYNE. . 247 
 
 memorandum book here, merely to set- 
 tle some bets made at TattersaKs last 
 week/' At this moment he brushed 
 off, dropping a paper, which, instead 
 of a banker's check-book or a billet- 
 doux, turned out to be a letter of 
 license, signed by three score credi- 
 tors. A was delighted at the ac- 
 cident, and vowed that he would in- 
 close him this letter of credit^ as he call- 
 ed it, with a suitable admonition. 
 
 A vulgar group in the pit, yawning, 
 and evidently fatigued with their sacri- 
 fice to fashion, in attending a perform- 
 ance, not one word of which they 
 
 understood, now attracted A 's 
 
 attention. " Augustus,^' cried the fat 
 mother, " you look half asleep. Vm
 
 S48 THE STEYNE, 
 
 sure 'lisn't for want of knowing what's 
 
 going on. Why, youVe been three 
 
 years at your French ; and gredit progress 
 
 you made, as Mounseer Abbe told me, 
 
 else 'twould have been finely picking 
 
 I your pa's pocket." " Hold your 
 
 [ tongue, ma," replied Augusta : *' how 
 
 / can you expose yourself so : every body 
 
 / knows that the opera is in Italian, and 
 
 my speaking French has nothing to do 
 
 ^ with it. The Abbe never learned me 
 
 Italian." Here Mr. Higginbottom, her 
 
 j pa, yawned quite aloud, and every one 
 
 . near him laughed. "Gracious me!" 
 
 ^' continued Augusta, " how ashamed I 
 
 ' am of pa ! ; [ 
 " See, ma, 
 followed me last Tuesday, is eyeing us, 
 
 " See, ma, how that bold officer, who
 
 1 
 
 THE STEYNE. 249 
 
 I dare say that he*s in the Guards." 
 *' No, pretty lady/* replied the mili- 
 taire, hoaxinj^ the famil}^ and with an 
 eye to Mr. Higgiiibottom, the very rich 
 cheesemonger's canvass bags, *' not 
 j in the Guards^ but one of the elegant 
 I extracts from the tenth hussards, now 
 better known by the name of the 
 prince s mixture. 1 am now in the heavy 
 dragoons, and my regiment »' ^^ 
 France/* Thus sayi-s* '^^ contrived 
 to slip his card into miss's hand, who 
 discovered no small delight, and some- 
 thing like a blush overspread her com- 
 plexion. *' Law, what a sweet man !" 
 I said miss to mama, in a play-house 
 ' whisper. " I like him of all things,*' 
 ) replied ma.
 
 250 THE STEYNE, 
 
 " Pray, Sir, don't you think Trame- 
 zani a delightful creature?'* Here 
 another laugh proceeded from all par-» 
 ties near the family. Pa now offered 
 some apples to the heau^ who con- 
 temptuously refused them, adding, 
 *' that he never tasted an apple except 
 at his dessert, and even then only once 
 a-year for novelty's sake ; and perceiv- 
 ^"& 5it the same time some of the 
 young men oniU acquaintance quizzing 
 him, he suddenly beat his retreat, sJily 
 kissing his hand to Augusta, who, in 
 return, put the card to her lips. " J 
 wish he had continued longer," said ma. 
 ^* I thought he would have seen us to 
 our coach,^' added miss; but pa's so f 
 vulgar, that it is quite discouragmg !"
 
 THE STEYNE. 251 
 
 Here pa yawned again, and whispered 
 ma loud enough to be overheard, " I 
 wish I was in Newgate Street/* *« I 
 wish he was in Newgate^'* said A ■ ; 
 and in a few minutes the family re- 
 tired. 
 
 Pa was a little mean-looking man, 
 habited in a fine new snuff-coloured 
 coat, with black satin waistcoat and 
 indescribables, white silk stockings, 
 huge silver buckles, a coal-black brutus 
 wig, and an opera hat stuck like afowl's 
 gizzard under his wing, which he dared 
 not move for fear of awkwardly letting it 
 fall. Miss was splendidly and rather 
 tastefully attired ; whilst ma was like a 
 walking sun-fire office, of gold muslin, 
 silver ornaments, diamond pins, beads, 
 tinsel, and tawdry ; set off by a red
 
 252 THE STEYNE. 
 
 face, purple nose, and a flaxen wig, 
 arranged a la Caroline P* 
 
 Here Lord Heathermount quitted 
 
 the notable A , vapoured for two 
 
 minutes in a box, and retired. 
 
 END OF VOL. I 
 
 B, Clarke, Printer, Well Street, Loudon.
 
 mmam
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS-URBANA 
 
 3 0112 076265344