THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 
 OF ILLINOIS 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 From the collection of 
 Julius Doerner, Chicago 
 Purchased, 1918. 
 
 OAK ST. HDSF 
 
 
MANNERS CUSTOMS 
 
 OF TO-DAY. 
 
 BY 
 
 MRS. SARA B. MAXWELL. 
 
 What a rare gift is that of manners ; Better for 
 one to possess them than wealth, beauty or talent ; 
 they will more than supply all. — Bulwer-Lytton . 
 
 THE CLINE PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 
 PUBLISHERS, 
 
 Des Moines, Iowa, i 8go. 
 
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1890, 
 By geo. S. CLINE, 
 
 In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 
 
 Printed and Bound By 
 ThEj.Watters-Talbott Printing Co., 
 Des Moines, Iowa. 
 
^gpeface.^ 
 
 § OOD sense and good nature suggest civility 
 in general, but in good breeding there are 
 a thousand little delicacies which are established 
 only by custom. — Lo7'd Chesterfield. 
 
 In the following pages most of the rules and 
 many of the ideas have been drawn from rec- 
 ognized authorities, the writer gathering her 
 material from the accessible sources, not out of 
 date. 
 
 A list of the books of the writers to whom 
 she is most indebted, is appended at the end 
 of the volume. 
 
 700018 
 
>^0nteiits.-4" 
 
 Pages, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Introduction 7 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 The Family and the Home 12 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 Introductions 27 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Salutations 39 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Visiting and Visiting-Cards 45 
 
 CHAPTET VI. 
 
 New Year’s Calls 91 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets 97 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Dinners and Diners-Out 107 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 At Table 129 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Breakfast, Luncheon and Supper 145 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 At Home Matinees, and Soirees 153 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Etiquette of Balls and Pariies_-.V_ 161 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Chaperons 174 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Debuts in Society 182 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 The Conversation of Society 186 
 
6 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. Pages. 
 
 Dress - 200 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 The Toilet 218 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 Titles, Addresses and Signatures 231 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 Letters and Letter-Writing 246 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 Marriage 255 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 The Etiquette of Weddings.. 264 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Wedding Anniversaries 288 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 Caudle Parties, Christenings and Biri'Hdays 295 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 Etiquette of the School-Room 302 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 Prolonged Visits 306 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 Servants, Their Dress and Duties 31 1 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 Funeral Ceremonies and Mourning 329 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 Precedence, or Social Life in Washington 338 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 For Young Women...’ 344 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 To Young Men 365 
 
CHAPTER I. 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 manners and customs of a nation indicate 
 the degree of civilization which that nation 
 _ has attained. Custom, in a legal sense, is 
 applied to such practices as by long use have ob- 
 tained a legal force. Hence custom is defined as un- 
 written law established by long use and common 
 consent, and antedates written law. In the prog- 
 ress of civilization the development of the higher 
 nature of man suggests changes of manners and 
 customs. 
 
 The gradual evolution of human thought, which 
 brings gradual individual freedom, suggests unwrit- 
 ten laws or right rules of action, a lessening of sel- 
 fishness, a recognizition of human brotherhood, and 
 yet with all our good feelings and right intentions, 
 we may be extremely awkward in our deportment 
 unless culture and contact with the world have 
 made us familiar with the usages of good society. 
 
 A writer in the North American Review says: 
 '‘Rules of human action are due to the contact 
 and clashing of men with men. The closer men are 
 pressed together by circumstances, the brisker is 
 their action on one another and the more rapid the 
 adjustments of their relationship. * * * 
 
 Cities are the centers of all that is denominated 
 by civilization as the name indicates; they are the 
 birth places and nurseries of civility, urbanity and 
 
8 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 politeness. Among rural populations, from the 
 causes which develop rules of conduct operating in 
 a wider sphere, with less intensit}^ and therefore 
 with less rapidity, the progress is naturally slow and 
 is mainly effected by the influence flowing over from 
 the towns.” This is quite true and writers on 
 etiquette usually address themselves to dwellers in 
 cities. It is the aim of this book to reach all 
 classes, especially those whose opportunities of 
 travel, observation and association with cultured 
 people have been limited, and whose home educa- 
 tion and training have, unhappily, been neglected. 
 Etiquette has been defined thus: (French, etiquette 
 a ticket or label affixed to a bag or bundle of 
 papers) originally signified an account of ceremon- 
 ies. In modern usuage etiquette denotes the cere- 
 monial code of polite life, or those forms which are 
 observed towards particular persons, especially in 
 courts, at levees, and on public occasions. The 
 original sense of the word points to the custom of 
 delivering cards containing orders for regulating 
 ceremonies on public occasions.” Webster gives, 
 besides the above, “ the forms required by good 
 breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed 
 in social or official life.” 
 
 What is good breeding } It is a synonym of • 
 nurture, education, instruction, training, formation 
 of manners. Lord Chesterfield defined good breed- 
 ing to be “ The result of much good sense, some 
 good nature, and a little self-denial for the sake of 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 9 
 
 others, and with a view to obtain the same indul- 
 gence from them.” 
 
 There are fine souls born into this life, whose 
 naturally fine sense of honor and quick perceptions 
 guide them with little training, but they are rare 
 and the majority of us must be trained to good 
 manners. But real culture does not spread a pol- 
 ish upon the outside, but educes or trains the inner 
 traits and faculties, so that after all our outward 
 acts are but symbols of the inner life. “ This may 
 be true,” you say, “but I have known persons to be 
 polite when I knew that they hated each other.” 
 Very well ; that is better than quarrelling or rude- 
 ness, and ninety-nine times in a hundred, this very 
 politeness will eradicate the ill feeling which was 
 probably engendered by misunderstanding, “ As a 
 man thinketh in his heart, so is he,” and if a man 
 act courteously, even though he does not at first 
 conscientiously feel it, there must be something down 
 deep in his heart which this courtesy symbolizes and 
 repeated acts of civility will open the flood gates of 
 feeling and wash away the temporarily turbid waters, 
 and so even “make believe” in the right direction 
 is a step towards true culture. Real civility comes 
 from within ; fashion to some extent from without; 
 but even the latter has a real foundation and has, at 
 least, a precedent in nature which is ever changing, 
 
 Swedenborg says: '‘This is a world of uses.” 
 
 So every mode has its use; every custom has an 
 underlying reason for its observance; when the rea- 
 
lO 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 son no longer exists, the custom changes. For ex- 
 ample; the old fashioned custom of drawing off 
 the right hand glove before shaking hands with a 
 lady — and which some gentlemen still practice — 
 had its origin in feudal times, when the pressure of 
 the iron glove would have been painful. It is no 
 longer generally observed. 
 
 In an article on “English and American Man- 
 ners,” in the Forum, Mr. T. W. Higginson says: 
 “There are those who would assert that the very 
 finest manners, while not at all sure to be developed 
 in a republic, are scarcely compatible with any- 
 thing but a republic, or a nation which has at any 
 rate the republican spirit; as the very finest man- 
 ners applicable to all classes;” and he cites the late 
 Charles Dabney, American consul for many years 
 at Fayal, who had the same lofty grace for every 
 bare foot boy that he had for princes. He men- 
 tioned another gentleman “who saluted millionaires 
 and apple women with precisely the same high bred 
 courtesy. These men afforded types of the very 
 best American manners, a manner which extends to 
 the humblest those amenities that elsewhere are 
 graduated by the trivial distinctions of social rank 
 alone.” 
 
 In the beginning of our national life and until a 
 comparatively recent date, we borrowed our man- 
 ners, or at least copied them from the Old World, 
 and we still have many forms in common with the 
 different nations of Europe, especially France and 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 I I 
 
 England, and while we retain what is best for us, we 
 are sufficiently advanced as a nation to have our 
 own rules of etiquette. As native refinement and 
 taste have no reference to country or climate, we, 
 of course, must have some rules in common with 
 other countries, but for the most part we are a law 
 unto ourselves. Realizing that this is a democratic 
 country, without hereditary titles or precedence, 
 where the lowliest farmer boy may become Presi- 
 ident, it becomes almost a matter of political 
 importance that we shall all be trained if not born 
 to good manners. 
 
 As we said in the beginning, the cities are the cen- 
 ters of fashion, but in the smaller towns and in the 
 country, the question is constantly asked: “What 
 
 ought I to do.^” in this case or in that. With a 
 sincere desire to help those thus inquiring, this book 
 is sent on its mission, with a caution, however, that 
 fashions are constantly changing, and that though 
 New York City sets the fashions in etiquette for the 
 whole country except Washington, which is purely 
 a political center, yet different places differ on many 
 points, and where there are unsettled questions, com- 
 mon sense and the golden rule must decide them. 
 
 It is to be regretted that we have not fixed so- 
 ciety usages, or that there are differences of opinion 
 on many points whose adjustment to a common 
 code would make the intricacies of social customs 
 easy, at least to those who have had the advantages 
 of home culture. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 He entered in his house — his home no more, 
 
 For without hearts there is no home, and felt 
 The solitude of passing his own door. 
 
 Without a welcome. — Byron. Childe Harold. 
 
 Home is the resort 
 
 Of love, of joy, of peace and plenty, where 
 Supporting and supported, polished friends, 
 
 And dear relations mingle into bliss. — Thotnpson. 
 
 There is a strange something, which, without a name, 
 
 Fools feel and wise men can’t explain. — Ck^lr chill. 
 
 S the family is the foundation of society, 
 we may be pardoned for beginning, contrary 
 to custom, with the family and the home. 
 
 In studying the history of man, he seems every- 
 where to have passed through the same progres- 
 sive stages, first that of the savage or hunter 
 stage; next the pastoral state, with its flocks and 
 herds; then the agricultural stage. At this stage our 
 Aryan ancestors first developed the elements of so- 
 cial life. They “settled down” in families, and set 
 up their Lares and Penates. The father, and after 
 his death, some other male member of the family, 
 was it ruler and judge. In the inevitable evo- 
 lution of the race, the women sought a better ad- 
 
 (I2) 
 
THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 ^3 
 
 justment of her surroundings, though she played a 
 comparatively insignificant part until the Age of 
 Chivalry. 
 
 Says a writer in the North American Review : 
 “The three great principles of chivalry were ad- 
 venturous heroism, devotion, and gallantry.” 
 
 But the gallantry of the knight was something 
 more than a graceful and perpetual affection of 
 love; it was a romatic homage rendered to woman 
 as to a- being in some sort elevated above man, a 
 voluntary abnegation of the superiority which he 
 had hitherto asserted, and to some extent, at least 
 in theory, the reversal of the former relationship 
 between the sexes. The spirit of chivalry pro- 
 claimed that woman should be reverenced because, 
 “next to God they were the source of all the honor 
 which man could acquire.” 
 
 A nation’s treatment and estimation of its women 
 is a pretty sure indication of its advancement in 
 civilization, just as the treatment of the wife and 
 mother of a family tells what manner of man the 
 husband and father is, or as the manners of chil- 
 dren tell what sort of home training they have had, 
 or if they have had any training at all. 
 
 Where the mother allows herself to be made a 
 household drudge, her family treat her the same, — 
 though they would indignantly resent any such in- 
 timation, — and her children are apt to be selfish 
 and dependent. 
 
14 the family and the home. 
 
 In correcting the shortcomings of the family, or 
 rather in laying down rules for the ideal family, one 
 should begin as Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes would 
 with the education of a child — a hundred years be- 
 fore it is born. 
 
 We elevate the brows and say: “We are too 
 
 busy and have too much to do with the present to 
 look after the welfare of our possible great-grand- 
 children; as for the ideal family, we never reach 
 our ideals, so what is the use bothering about it.^” 
 
 Let us see. There is a right way and a wrong 
 way, or a true way and a false way of doing things; 
 or we might say there is always a better way; there 
 is always room for improvement. We are con- 
 stantly making new inventions because we must, 
 and groping our way up to the light. The tendency 
 of humanity is upward, as the tendency of the plant 
 is toward the light. The True or Truth is just as 
 true to-day 4s it was a thousand years ago, and will 
 be just the same a thousand years hence. 
 
 The laws of truth and right are just as immutable 
 as the laws of mathematics. If you do right to-day 
 the influence of your act will reach your possible 
 great-grandchildren according to natural law. We 
 cannot go back; we must go forward. 
 
 Many families will not need the words I shall say 
 here, but if among the many others, who from care- 
 lessness, lack of training in themselves, or from any 
 cause, are doing injustice to themselves and their 
 
THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. I 5 
 
 children, and therefore to society, there shall be 
 some who are benefitted, I shall not have had my 
 say in vain. 
 
 When the young husband and wife set up their 
 Lares and Penates, let them understand or learn all 
 the relations of their new mode of life. Let them 
 learn that mere money getting or selfish exclusive- 
 ness are not the sole end and aim of life. They 
 must realize that as a new family they are a more 
 important factor in the social economy than before. 
 As one’s relations to society are only the sum of his 
 relations to the several members of it, a knowledge 
 of the right relations of the different members of a 
 family to each other is of the greatest importance 
 in its bearing upon general society. 
 
 The first requisites of gentle breeding are unsel- 
 fishness, courage and truthfulness, kindness and 
 fidelity to the individual, which qualities extended 
 to society show themselves in benevolence, charity, 
 justice and patriotism. Outward acts are indexes 
 of the inner thoughts and feelings. 
 
 It is said that the mother moulds the character 
 and fixes the destiny of the child. This i^ true of 
 strong women, but if you are at all observant you 
 will notice in families where the husband and father 
 claims the prerogative to “rule” that the children 
 are apt to be like him, and they show this, particu- 
 larly in their treatment of the mother. They treat 
 her just as papa does. 
 
1 6 THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 There should be equal rights in the family. The 
 children should be taught to honor father and 
 mother, and to obey implicitly until they are old 
 enough to understand reasons for so doing. This 
 must be done firmly but with courteous kindness. 
 There should be courtesy between husband and 
 wife that the little ones may learn by example as 
 well as by precept. Quiet example is the most 
 powerful influence in the world. To illustrate: We 
 once dined with a family who were proverbial for 
 courtesy, and whose little ones were held up as ex- 
 amples of good manners to all the children of their 
 acquaintance. A gentleman, a relative of the fam- 
 ily, happened in; he ate his soup noiselessly, but 
 he buttered a large slice of bread and spanned as 
 much of it as possible with his naturally large 
 mouth. Little five-year-old Charlie watched every 
 movement with interest. The whole dinner was 
 bolted in the same manner; the only redeeming 
 thing about it was that he did not eat with his 
 knife. The next morning at breakfast Charlie 
 asked permission to butter his cakes for himself. 
 The mother, being a student of human nature, 
 granted the request and watched for results. Charlie 
 took such enormous mouthfuls he could not manage 
 them. He looked sheepishly at mamma, who asked: 
 “What is the matter, Charlie.^” “I was trying to 
 see if I could eat like cousin Ben.” “ You seem to 
 imitate him pretty well; do you like it 
 
THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 17 
 
 '‘I think I would after I learned.” 
 
 '‘Very well; if you prefer to eat so, you may 
 have a little table by yourself. Papa and mamma 
 and sister don’t like that way.” 
 
 “Forgive me, mamma, I would rather eat with 
 the rest of you.” 
 
 But, though he was a little gentleman by nature 
 and training, it was several days before he could 
 quite forget the temptation to eat like cousin Ben. 
 
 Parents have it in their power to mould the man- 
 ners of their children to their liking. Sympathy is 
 the foundation of courtesy. A true mother sympa- 
 thizes with everything that interests her child, and 
 she will see that in his younger years temptation to 
 wrong doing is kept out of . the way. She will en- 
 force obedience with even temper that she may not 
 engender opposition in the child. If she cannot 
 control herself, she has no right to assume control 
 over another. 
 
 The home must be attractive, no matter if it con- 
 tains but one room. Many a homestead is no home, 
 and the worst possible homesickness is to be home- 
 less at home. 
 
 The little daughter of a landlord was one day 
 talking to the daughter of one of her father’s ten- 
 ants. She said: “This is not your house, Annie; 
 
 it is ours.” 
 
 “Oh, no,” replied Annie; “it is our house, for we 
 live here.” 
 
i8 
 
 THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 *‘No,” insisted the other, “I know it is ours, for 
 papa said so.” 
 
 Annie, who was but four years old, was silent for 
 some time; finally she seemed to have solved the 
 problem. “Oh, yes, I know now how it is ; it is 
 your house but our home. Yes, that’s the way it is.” 
 
 Have as good a house as you can afford, but have 
 the best home that it is possible for you to make. 
 Your child has a right to be well born, and a right 
 to a home where he can feel that he belongs and is 
 not in the way. Yes, more; he has the right to 
 feel that he is necessary to your happiness. With- 
 out hearts there is no home. Don’t think that be- 
 cause you have not wealth, or because you must 
 work, you are obliged to forego the path of life 
 where flowers grow and instead plant thorns along 
 your way by neglecting the amenities of a courteous 
 behavior. 
 
 Poverty is no bar to good breeding, even if it 
 should deprive you of much society. And even so- 
 ciety will admit you if you have personal merit to- 
 gether with the manners of a lady or a gentleman. 
 One has said: “It (poverty) ever has been and 
 
 will continue to be the great training school for 
 human endeavor, the severe but benignant nurse of 
 every fortifying virtue.” The children of wealth 
 seldom achieve greatness. Material plenty and 
 peace of mind are seldom conducive to any kind of 
 endeavor. While a competence is necessary to 
 
THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 19 
 
 perfect relief from anxiety and riches desirable, this 
 lesson is written for those of limited means, but 
 may be applied by everybody. 
 
 Children know not rich or poor, high or low, but 
 they do knov/ good manners, and they know intui- 
 tively that courtesy means kindness. Little Fred 
 
 R , three years old, was visiting a lady who 
 
 loved him. A lady with two little children called 
 during a visit. She was very courceous to them. 
 The hostess noticed that Fred was uneasy, but he 
 was a little gentleman. As soon as the lady with- 
 drew he said: “Oh, Mishy V->- — , me want to 
 
 know ’at lady; she’s sho nice to her babies.” 
 
 “A word, a thought, how great a thing it is, and 
 who can say what it has or has not done.” “ The 
 first years of a man’s life are precious, since they 
 lay the foundation of the merit of the rest. What- 
 ever care is used in the education of children, it is 
 too little to answer the end.” 
 
 Begin the education of the child before it is born 
 by disciplining yourself. As soon as it is born be- 
 gin teaching it order — order is heaven’s first law — 
 by regularity in all things. A time for everything. 
 
 When it is old enough to sit at table, teach it by 
 example as well as by precept what to do. If your 
 child has correct table manners, he will not go far 
 astray in deportment anywhere. Never allow him 
 to play with his napkin ring, spoon, or any article 
 during meal time ; to place his elbows on the table. 
 
20 
 
 THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 or to lean upon it while eating. Do not allow him 
 to put his fingers in his mouth, or yawn, or do any 
 of the vulgar things that untrained children are sure 
 to do. 
 
 Teach him that it is rude to whistle in the pres- 
 ence of older persons, at home or abroad. Let him 
 whistle by all means, but at the times and places 
 when and where he will not annoy anyone. Teach 
 him to thank the one who waits upon him (except 
 at table) be he equal, superior or inferior; to step 
 out of the way instantly if another wishes to pass; 
 to say: “I beg your pardon,” if he has inconveni- 
 
 enced any one; not to go before older persons in 
 passing out of a room; nor to leave the room sud- 
 denly without asking to be excused. 
 
 Teach him to either say “Good bye” or bow 
 when leaving any one; to give up his seat instantly, 
 when necessary, to older persons; to lift his hat to 
 ladies, and never wear it in the house in the pres- 
 ence of ladies, and remember that ladies means his 
 mother and sisters as well as strangers. Enforce 
 respect and civility^ to the members of your own 
 family and you have done a good work in the edu- 
 cation of your child. 
 
 Teach him never to interrupt any one in conver- 
 sation, nor to contradict, and when you ask him to 
 do anything, never allow him to stop and argue the 
 matter with you, but go cheerfully and at once and 
 do it; and if he is inclined to say “I can’t” show 
 him how unmanly it is. 
 
THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 2 1 
 
 If it is necessary for him to interrupt you when 
 speaking to others (as might be the case if it were 
 school time, or time for him to go anywhere and he 
 wished to speak to you before going, or to say 
 .“Good bye,’) he must beg pardon for the inter- 
 ruption. 
 
 He must not ridicule any one, and must be taught 
 to be kind and courteous to the poor and unfortu- 
 nate as well as the aged. He must be kind to the 
 birds and the animals — they belong to the Father’s 
 universal family — and he must be taught the mean- 
 ing of: “ For in as much as you did it unto one of 
 
 the least of these ye did it unto me.” 
 
 Never exact obedience from a child with threats 
 or bribes; teach him to do right for right’s sake, 
 and for the respect that he has for himself. Make 
 him understand that he is a necessary wheel in the 
 family machinery, and inculcate in him that self- 
 reliance without which he will be a nobody; and 
 with it all, remember to prune away all the little 
 out-croppings of animalism, all the little rudenesses 
 so natual to children. 
 
 Never correct your child in the presence of others. 
 Take him to your own room and gently point out 
 his shortcomings, or give the necessary rebuke, but 
 never lower the child’s estimate of himself, or your- 
 self, by humiliating him. 
 
 Let him feel that what you say to him is done in 
 kindness for his good. I believe that many a child 
 
22 
 
 THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 is made a hypocrite by the unwise punishments of 
 parents, and many a germ of nobleness has been 
 blighted by the continual harsh rebuke. 
 
 As your children grow older, let each have his or 
 her own room that shall be a small kingdom to each 
 one, where he can exercise his taste in decorating, 
 sewing, etc. If it is not possible to give them each 
 a separate sleeping-room, give them at least single 
 beds. 
 
 Make the home attractive. Cultivate a taste for 
 the beautiful, the esthetic. Mahommed said: “If 
 I had two loaves of bread, I would sell one and buy 
 hyacinths, for they would feed my soul.” Remem- 
 ber the little souls which are to be fed, and treat 
 them as well, at least, as you do their bodies. Re- 
 spect their ideas and the individuality of the differ- 
 ent members of the famil}L If one has a taste for 
 a certain line of work, let him try it; you can soon 
 tell if he has any talent in that direction. 
 
 “But parents to their offspring blind, 
 
 Consult not parts, nor turn of mind ; 
 
 But, even in infancy, decree 
 What this, what t'other son shall be.” 
 
 Respect the child’s feelings; its privacy; its likes 
 and dislikes, where they are not mere whims. 
 
 Teach him to meet work and care and trouble 
 bravely, not to hide from a dreaded thing, but to 
 face it boldly. He must not play tricks. Let him 
 play and shout and be happy, but he must learn to 
 say no. 
 
THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 23 
 
 Good returns to us, so does evil. Whatever we 
 send out must inevitably return to us. 
 
 Bring up your boys and girls to know themselves. 
 Teach them the trinity of the moral, the intellectual 
 and the physical nature, and make them understand 
 that each must be educated and trained to the full- 
 est possible extent in order to produce the perfect 
 man or woman. 
 
 Teach them to reverence purity of body as well 
 as of mind; to respect the body too much to defile 
 it with tobacco, or other stimulants — or even with 
 chewing-gum — to make it or keep it a temple fit for 
 the in-dwelling of a manly or a womanly spirit. 
 Guide them carefully and intelligently up into man- 
 hood and womanhood, and when they shall have 
 arrived at that state, make them understand what 
 true marriage means — that it is a union of souls, 
 and should be made a sacrament. That it involves 
 forbearance, sacrifice, fortitude, unselfishness, mod- 
 esty, courtesy, in short, all the virtues with all the 
 vices left out. 
 
 There are comparatively few persons who have 
 the wealth to do as they please, but everybody can 
 attain good manners. Not everybody does, but 
 everybody may. While the possession of riches is 
 desirable, and gives opportunities for culture, it does 
 not always bring with it refinement of thought and 
 manner; these must be born within. Many of our 
 most refined men and women are people of limited 
 
24 THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 means. One of the most hospitable and courteous 
 families of my acquaintance belongs to this class. 
 The lady keeps no servant, does the family cooking 
 and cleaning, gives a portion of every week day to 
 a profession in which she excels, and has a regular 
 weekly reception day, besides making calls and do- 
 ing club work. 
 
 The plainest home may be the center of culture 
 and refinement, and when mothers learn their true 
 relations to society, through the family and the 
 home, there will be less vain longing for wealth, and 
 more care given to the building of character. There 
 will be more self-respect, more love, less selfishness, 
 and children will honor father and mother. 
 
 ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN. 
 
 Many families become suddenly wealthy, and de- 
 sire to take their places in the social world where 
 their good fortune would naturally place them — 
 other things being equal — who know nothing of the 
 management of a large establishment. For their 
 instruction I will give a hint of how children are 
 managed in families in large cities. In well regu- 
 lated families, the boys and girls who are yet stu- 
 dents take their breakfast earlier than their parents 
 do, and the governess presides at the table, taking 
 her breakfast with them, or if she likes, in the nur- 
 sery with the younger children. If the smallest one 
 is old enough to come to the table it does so. The 
 
THE FAMILY AND YhE HOME. 25 
 
 governess has the care of the table manners of the 
 children, with full authority to advise and correct, 
 and in the best families she is sustained in her 
 “rulings,” as only those of superior qualification 
 are employed. She takes charge of them in the ab- 
 sence of the parents, and, if necessary, rebukes 
 them in the presence of the mother. 
 
 After breakfast the governess sometimes walks to 
 school with the elder girls, leaving the nursery pu- 
 pils at their studies under the care of the head 
 nurse, or if the weather is fine, they all go out to- 
 gether for a walk. Sometimes A maid accompanies 
 the girls and smaller boys to their respective schools. 
 The mistress of the house fixes these rules to suit 
 circumstances ; each one has her part of the work 
 to perform, and she is held strictly to it. 
 
 After breakfast the father usually sends for the 
 smaller children to come and say good morning and 
 good-bye ; then the mother' spends an hour or more 
 in the nursery with the little ones. 
 
 At luncheon, if the mother is at home and there 
 are no formal 'guests, they eat with mother, the chil- 
 dren putting on their “grown-up behavior.” This 
 is the school of manners ; the meal is served as 
 ceremoniously as if guests of honor were present, 
 though none but the most* intimate friend, whose 
 conversation will not lower the child’s ideals, is ever 
 admitted to this sacred children’s mid-day meal, 
 usually at half-past one o’clock. 
 
 3 
 
26 
 
 THE FAMILY AND THE HOME. 
 
 In the afternoon there is walking, driving, danc- 
 ing or other extra lessons, and supper is served in 
 the nursery for all children at six o’clock, until they 
 are thirteen or fourteen years old, when, if there are 
 no guests, they dine with their parents. 
 
 On Sunday the father takes luncheon with the rest 
 of the family. This is his time for taking a mental 
 review of the progress and development of his little 
 ones. 
 
 The younger ones go to bed at half-past six or 
 seven and the older ones at nine. The children 
 never appear in the' drawing-room when there are 
 invited guests, except on birthdays and at weddings. 
 
 The mothers of these households, of course, spend 
 as much time as possible with their children, and 
 have a constant care over their manners and their 
 morals, directing others in what she cannot do her- 
 self. 
 
CHAPTER m. 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 forms of introductions and presentations 
 must necessarily differ in a country where an 
 equality of citizenship is established by consti- 
 tutional law. In countries where precedence has 
 been made the subject of legislation, forms are 
 established and rigidly adhered to. Intellectual 
 development, refined culture, and good breeding, 
 combine to arrange our forms of presentation and 
 introduction in such flexible ways as shall satisfy all 
 grades of society. 
 
 WHAT IS AN INTRODUCTION.^ 
 
 An introduction is regarded as a social endorse- 
 ment, and people who introduce everybody, every 
 where, and under all circumstances, should stop and 
 consider this, as introductions are often undesirable. 
 Indiscriminate introducing should not be done by 
 any lady, at home, or in society. She may have to 
 regret the bringing of a burden upon her friends, or 
 her own family, in the person of a vulgar, or push- 
 ing woman, or an undesirable man, or great bore. 
 
 Those persons who have been born and reared in 
 the best society, never make a hasty presentation, 
 or introduction. An habitual, though momentary 
 
 (27) 
 
28 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 reflection, adjusts in their own minds, the proper 
 relation of the two who are about to be made known 
 to each other, and unpleasant mistakes are thus 
 avoided. 
 
 A formal introduction is not necessar}^ to a pleas- 
 ant conversation between persons meeting at* the 
 house of a common friend during a morning call, at 
 a private party, or reception. That a person was 
 invited is sufficient guarantee of his respectability. 
 They need not know each other afterwards, unless 
 they each desire it. 
 
 AT A PRIVATE BALL. 
 
 Host and hostess should make introductions 
 among their guests at a ball; guests may with per- 
 fect propriety introduce each other. In France and 
 to some extent in England, they may even dance 
 without an introduction. No gentleman will pre- 
 sume upon this '‘roof introduction,” as they call it 
 to know a lady afterwards, unless she desire it. 
 
 TRAVELLING ACQUAINTANCES. 
 
 Middle aged and elderly persons, may without the 
 formality of an introduction, form acquaintances in 
 travelling by rail, steam-boat, or stage-coach, and, 
 thus relieve the monotony, or heighten the pleasures 
 of travel. Of course a certain reserve must be 
 observed, and the parties need not know each other 
 afterwards; although occasionally, lasting and bene- 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 29 
 
 ficial friendships have been made in this way. 
 Young ladies are never accorded this privilege. 
 
 “ ROOF INTRODUCTIONS.” 
 
 In “ exclusive society ” in our large cities, a hostess 
 “ must not introduce two ladies who reside in the 
 same town,” unless there are especial reasons for so 
 doing. Why.^ Because it might inconvenience the 
 different “ sets.” Well-bred ladies understanding 
 this rule, will not hesitate to speak pleasantly with- 
 out an introduction. To many of our “speechless 
 Americans ” this is very awkward, as in the case of 
 the young lady at a private concert, who when 
 asked by a cultivated, high-bred lady, who the 
 pianist was, blushed, looked away and did not 
 answer. The lady knew that there was a deaf 
 mute present and with a look of pity, said to her- 
 self, “ poor thing,” believing this young lady to be 
 the mute. 
 
 During the evening, the young lady asked for an 
 introduction. The lady gave her a cordial grasp of 
 the hand and was surprised to hear her speak. She 
 explained apologetically, “I could not answer your 
 question awhile ago, because I had not been intro- 
 duced to you ; — the pianist is Mr. .” 
 
 “ But I could speak to you without an introduc- 
 tion. The roof was a sufficient guarantee of your 
 respectability, and I thought from your not answer- 
 ing that you were deaf and dumb,” said the lady. 
 
30 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 It had not occurred to her before this rebuke, 
 that she was guilty of a rudeness. She had been 
 taught that it was not proper to speak to any one 
 without a formal introduction and she did not 
 understand the exceptions. 
 
 A superior breeding makes conversation as easy 
 and entertaining between strangers who meet at 
 the house of a friend, as if their names had been 
 pronounced. 
 
 If one lady desires to be introduced to another, 
 the hostess must ask quietly if she may do so. “No 
 delicate-minded person would ever intrude herself 
 upon the notice of a person to whom she had been 
 casually introduced, in a friend’s drawing-room; but 
 all the world unfortunately is not made up of deli- 
 cate^minded persons.” 
 
 INTRODUCING GENTLEMEN. 
 
 No gentleman should ever be introduced to a lady, 
 without her permission. It is proper for him to 
 ask a common friend, or an acquaintance to intro- 
 duce him, and there are few occasions when the 
 request is refused. 
 
 The author of “ Manners and Social Usages ” says: 
 “In our crowded ball-rooms, chaperons often ask 
 young men if they will be introduced to their charge. 
 It is better before asking the young gentlemen of 
 this present luxurious age, if they will not only be 
 introduced, but if they propose to dance with the 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 •31 
 
 young lady, else that young person may be mortified 
 by a snub. It is painful to record, as we must, that 
 the age of chivalry is past, and that at a gay ball, 
 young men appear supremely selfish and desire gen- 
 erally only introductions to the reigning belle, or to 
 an heiress, not deigning to look at the humble wall- 
 flower who is neither, but whose womanhood should 
 command respect. Ball-room introductions are 
 supposed to mean on the part of the gentleman, 
 either an intention to dance with the young lady, to 
 walk with her, or to talk to her through one dance, 
 or to show her some attention.” 
 
 Gentlemen scarcely ever ask to be introduced to 
 each other, but if a lady through some desire of 
 her own, wishes to present them, she should never 
 be met with indifference on their part. Gentlemen 
 have a right to be exclusive as to their acquaintances, 
 of course; but at a lady’s table, or in her parlor, 
 they should never openly show distaste for each 
 other’s ^society before her. 
 
 SHAKING HANDS. 
 
 In America, it is the fashion to shake hands, and 
 most married women, if desirous of being cordial, 
 extend the hand, even on a first introduction; but it 
 is perhaps better tobovV only at a first introduction. 
 Young ladies may shake hands with a lady, but bow 
 only to a gentleman. 
 
 In her own house, a hostess should always extend 
 
32 . 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 her hand to a person brought to her by a common 
 friend and introduced for the first time. 
 
 AT A DINNER PARTY. 
 
 At a dinner party, a few minutes before dinner, 
 the hostess introduces to a lady, the gentleman who 
 is to escort her to the dining-room, but makes no 
 further introductions, except in the case of a dis- 
 tinguished stranger, to whom all the company are 
 introduced. Here, as we said, people are shy of 
 speaking but they should not be, for the room where 
 they meet is'a sufficient guarantee that they may 
 converse without loss of dignity. 
 
 At a large gathering in the country it is proper 
 for the lady to introduce her guests to each other, 
 and -she may with propriety do so without asking 
 permission of either party. A mother always intro- 
 duces her son, or daughter, a husband his wife, and 
 a wife her husband, without permission. 
 
 CASUAL INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 “Introductions which take place out of doors, as 
 on the lawn tennis ground, in the hunting field, or 
 in any casual way, are not to be taken as necessarily 
 formal, unless the lady chooses so to take them. 
 The same may be said of introductions at a water- 
 ing place, where a group of ladles walking together 
 may meet other ladies, or gentlemen, and join forces 
 for a walk or drive. Introductions should be made 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 33 
 
 by the oldest lady of the party, but are not to be 
 considered as making an acquaintance necessary 
 between the parties, if neither should afterward 
 wish it. It is universally conceded now that this 
 sort of casual introduction does not involve either 
 lady in the network of a future acquaintance, nor 
 need a lady recognize a gentleman, if she does not 
 choose to do so, after a watering place introduc- 
 tion. It is always however, more polite to bow; 
 " that civility hurts no one.” 
 
 THE PROPER ORDER AND FORMS OF INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Ladies of social equality are introduced to each 
 other, so also are gentlemen. The younger lady is 
 presented to the elder; the unmarried to the married; 
 so, also of gentlemen, other things being equal. If 
 a publicly admitted superiority exists, age, unless 
 quite advanced, is not considered. The “obscure’’ 
 are presented to the famous. Gentlemen are always 
 introduced to ladies. 
 
 It seems almost unnecessary to give the forms of 
 an introduction, yet this chapter would be incom- 
 plete without it. Introducing a gentleman to a lady, 
 it is the custom to say, “ Mr. A. desires to be pre- 
 sented to Mrs., or Miss B.” Or, if the introduction 
 has not been sought, but is made by a gentleman or 
 lady desiring to bring unknown parties together for 
 his or her own personal reasons, he or she says : “This 
 is Mr. A, Mrs. B., it gives me pleasure to present 
 
34 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 him to you.” The married lady replies according to 
 the degree of pleasure, or interest she may have in 
 knowing the gentleman, regulating the expression of 
 her sentiment by courtesy and good breeding. If 
 she is glad to know Mr. A., she says so frankly and 
 thanks the presenting party, who then retires. The 
 young lady can only express a polite recognition of 
 the gentleman presented by bowing, smiling and 
 speaking the name of the gentleman as a response- 
 It is a privilege of the gentleman to express grati- 
 fication. Two ladies may extend hands to each 
 other, so also may two gentlemen. 
 
 If there is anything the lady can say to break the 
 ice of formality in introducing strangers, it is well 
 to do so, as for example; “ Mrs. Carter, allow me to 
 present Mr. Holcomb, who is just home from a trip 
 around the world.” Mrs. Carter will be grateful of 
 course for this suggestion of a topic for conversation- 
 There is nearly always something that may be said 
 to aid the introduced in opening conversation; the 
 hostess, if she has the tact of a successful enter- 
 tainer, will know what it is. 
 
 Care should be taken to pronounce each name 
 distinctly, but if either name is not understood by 
 the other party, he should say, ‘‘ I beg your pardon, 
 I did not understand the name,” and it should be 
 repeated to him by the person introducing. 
 
 If several persons are to be introduced to one 
 gentleman or lady, mention the name of the single 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 35 
 
 individual first, then call the ‘Others in succession, 
 bowing slightly each time ; thus, Mrs. D — ; Mr. 
 G — ; Mr. F — , and Miss F — . 
 
 In introducing relatives, or members of your own 
 family, be careful to give the name as well as the 
 degree of relationship. If you should introduce one to 
 your ‘'brother Tom,” or your “ cousin Kate,” how is 
 it possible for him to know the name.^ And in such 
 case he does not like to ask. 
 
 The simplest forms of introduction are the best. 
 
 A lady should give her husband his title if he has 
 one. 
 
 Gentlemen should be given their appropriate 
 titles, as; “The Reverend Mr. Smith,” or “The 
 Reverend Dr. Smith,” “ Mr. Brown, the Poet 
 “ Mr. Williams, the Artist ;” “ Mr. Sullivan, the 
 Author of ‘ vSunrise and Sunset.’ ” Titles mare ore 
 fully treated in another chapter. 
 
 OBLIGATORY INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 A lady should introduce a friend who is visiting 
 at her house, to her callers, and courtesy demands 
 that they cultivate her acquaintance while she 
 remains with the lady. 
 
 OFFICAL INTRODUCTIONS 
 
 are of course given without first obtaining permis- 
 
 sion. 
 
36 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS INTRODUCTIONS 
 
 are no longer permissible. A little reflection will 
 show the advisability of this. 
 
 The introduced opens conversation. He is pre- 
 sented to those entitled to precedence from sex, age, 
 or rank. A gentleman is thus always taken to the 
 lady, the citizen to the mayor, the mayor to the 
 governor, the governor to the President. 
 
 HOST AND HOSTESS 
 
 should be familiar with the accepted formalities of 
 introducing. They should also have tact to make 
 exceptions to general rules, when it is necessary to 
 the enjoyment of guests. They should see that the 
 shy and the awkward are introduced to those who 
 have the happy faculty of making people forget 
 themselves ; of bringing out their best thoughts. 
 
 What we bring, we find.” If we bring our better 
 selves to those bashful ones, they will respond in 
 like manner and be grateful for fhe opportunity to 
 show us that they are not so “ dull” as they seem. 
 The success of an entertainment ought to be 
 guaged — other things being equal — by the number 
 of its shy participants who have been made happy, 
 and if those whose ease of manner makes them at 
 home every where, have given of their time and 
 courtesy to the less favored, they will be compens- 
 ated by the blessedness of giving. 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 37 
 
 INTRODUCTION BY LETTER. 
 
 Many people think that they are obliged to give a 
 letter of introduction to every respectable person 
 who may’ ask for it. 
 
 It is perfectly proper to refuse such a favor, upon 
 the ground of unwillingness to take the liberty of 
 presenting any one to the person to whom the 
 introduction is requested. The utmost caution 
 should be used in granting such a favor, or taking 
 such liberty. One should be morally certain before 
 giving such a letter, that it will conduce to the 
 pleasure of both parties. 
 
 A letter of introduction should be brief and care- 
 fully worded. State in full the name of the person, 
 and the city or town he is from, intimating the 
 mutual pleasure that you feel the acquaintance will 
 confer ; adding as few remarks as possible concern- 
 ing the one introduced. Persons are sometimes 
 deterred from delivering letters which seem to them 
 undeservedly complimentary. The following con- 
 ventional form may be modified according to cir- 
 cumstances: 
 
 I have the pleasure of presenting to your 
 acquaintance, Mr. John Corwin, of St. Louis, whom 
 I commend to your kind attention,” or “This will 
 introduce to you Mr. John Corwin, of St. Louis, 
 who will be in your city for a few days. I am sure 
 the acquaintance will be mutually agreeable,” 
 
 This letter should be enclosed in an open 
 envelope, on which, besides the address, it is custo- 
 
38 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 mary to write in the lower left corner, '‘Introducing 
 Mr. John Corwin, of St. Louis.” 
 
 When the letter is to be delivered, it should be 
 sent to the person for whom it is intended, with a 
 card on which are the name and address of the per- 
 son introduced. This should be answered by a call 
 and an invitation to dinner, within three days, if 
 the gentleman is to remain permanently, or for a 
 length of time, and within twenty-four hours if his 
 stay is very limited. If it is not possible for him 
 to do this, he must send a card by special messen- 
 ger to the stranger with explanation and the offer 
 of such courtesies as are possible to him, provided, 
 of course, the introducing person be entitled to such 
 consideration. 
 
 When the gentleman delivers such a letter to a 
 lady, he may call, send up his card to ascertain 
 whether she will receive him then, or appoint 
 another hour that will be more convenient. 
 
 PRESENTATIONS TO FOREIGN COURTS. 
 
 All presentations to foreign courts are made 
 through the national representatives, and the infor- 
 mation in regard to the various formalities required 
 is obtained from them. 
 
 THE president’s LEVEES AT WASHINGTON 
 
 are open to every body. For information upon this 
 interesting topic, see the chapter devoted to Pre- 
 cedence or Etiquette of Social Life in \Vashington. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 SALUTATIONS, 
 
 BOW should be according to circumstan- 
 ces, respectful, cordial, civil or familiar.” 
 ^ ^ Among formal acquaintances the lady 
 bows first. Between intimate friends either may 
 bow first. The gentleman must respond to the sal- 
 utation of the lady with the same degree of cor- 
 diality, or lack of it, which she accords to him ; he 
 must never presume to claim more attention than 
 she offers to him. Good breeding demands that 
 she be not demonstrative, and that she does not 
 publicly express in her greetings any dislike for him. 
 She must either be polite to him or not recognize 
 him at all. In bowing to a lady the hat must be 
 lifted from the head. However, if a gentleman is 
 riding in the saddle he touches the whip to his hat. 
 If driving he bows cordially. Foreigners raise the 
 hat under all circumstances. If smoking, a gentle- 
 man removes his cigar before lifting his hat. 
 
 An inclination of the head, without bending the 
 body, is all that is necessary in bowing. The author 
 of Sensible Etiquette says : “ In no one of the 
 
 trivial observances that good society calls for, is 
 there a more unerring test of the breeding, train- 
 
 (39) 
 
40 
 
 SALUTATIONS. 
 
 ing, nurture or culture of a person than the manner 
 in which the salutation of recognition is made. 
 It should be prompt as soon as the eyes meet, 
 whether on the street or in a room. The inter- 
 course need go no further, but that bow must be 
 made. To omit it is to stamp yourself as low bred. 
 There are few laws which have more cogent reasons 
 for their observance than this. If the bow is not 
 exchanged at the moment of the first meeting of the 
 eyes, what a prodigious tax upon the memory it 
 would be, destroying much of the pleasure of social 
 intercourse; while if you bow as you recognize 
 your friends in turn, there is no difficulty in remem- 
 bering with whom you have exchanged salutations. 
 In a drive upon a crowded promenade, it is not al- 
 ways possible to observe this rule, however, as the 
 carriages frequently bowl past each other so swiftly 
 as to prevent instant recognition, where the face is 
 not thoroughly a familiar one. This rule holds good 
 under all circumstances, whether within or without. 
 Those who abstain from bowing at one time and 
 bow at another, need never be surprised to find the 
 well-bred avoiding any continuation of an acquaint- 
 ance that they are made to feel can never be a con- 
 genial one ; and such individuals must not shrink 
 from knowing that the odious word “snob” is ap- 
 plied to them by those who are not snobbish, even 
 though an absent mind is the cause of the remiss- 
 
 ness. 
 
SALUTATIONS. 
 
 41 
 
 “Nearsighted” people ought to be made an ex- 
 ception to this rule, and they probably are where 
 their infirmity is known. 
 
 “The introduction that entitles to recognition 
 having once been made, it is the duty of the younger 
 person to recall himself or herself to the recollection 
 of the elder person, (should the elder fail to recog- 
 nize him or her) if there is much difference in age, 
 by bowing each time of meeting, until the recogni- 
 tion becomes mutual. As persons advance in life 
 they look for these attentions upon the part of the 
 young, and it may be, in some instances, that it is 
 the only way which young people have of showing 
 their appreciation of courtesies extended to them 
 by the old or middle-aged.” 
 
 “The salutation is the touchstone of good breed- 
 ing,” says St. Loup. Well-bred people always rec- 
 ognize by a formal bow those to whom they have 
 been introduced or who have been introduced to 
 them. This does not entail a calling acquaintance. 
 
 In walking, gentleman keep to the left of the lady 
 to protect her from the jostling crowd. 
 
 A gentleman returns the bow made to a lady 
 with whom he is walking, although the one bowing 
 is a stranger to him. 
 
 If a lady bow to a gentleman and he does not re- 
 call her face, he must bow to her as respectfully as 
 if he recognized her. It may be a lady to whom he 
 has been formally presented, whose street costume 
 
42 
 
 SALUTATIONS. 
 
 has transformed her, or she may have mistaken him 
 for some one else. Bat no matter who it is, he 
 must acknowledge the apparent recognition. 
 
 After saluting a lady, a gentleman may stop and 
 ask permission to turn and accompany her a short, 
 or a long distance. Under no circumstances must 
 he stand in the street and converse with her. 
 
 In passing a person upon a public promenade or 
 drive, bow the first time. If a friend, after the first 
 time, in passing and repassing, should your eyes 
 meet, smile faintly but do not bow. If a mere ac- 
 quaintance bow the first time and take no further 
 notice of the person. 
 
 Should a lady wish to speak to a gentleman on 
 horseback, he should dismount and walk by her 
 side, leading his horse. 
 
 Ladies must not talk, or call across the street. 
 
 When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both 
 bow slightly, and the gentleman opens conversation. 
 
 A gentleman, if a formal acquaintance, must not 
 offer to shake hands with a lady unless she first ex- 
 tends her hand to him. 
 
 “The same formalities must be observed at enter- 
 tainments,” says the author of Social Etiquette. 
 “ The gentleman who is a formal acquaintance waits 
 patiently for the lady guest to recognize his pres- 
 ence. Of course at a private party no lady will be 
 purposely uncivil to any fellow guest. It would be 
 a discourtesy to an entertainer. Neither will she 
 
SALUTATIONS. 
 
 43 
 
 show sufficient gratification at meeting a gentleman 
 that the most self-admiring of that sex, to whom 
 vanity is not traditionally imputed, shall be enabled 
 to imagine that she craves his attention.” 
 
 A gentleman when calling or making a “ brief 
 visit ’’leaves his umbrella, overcoat and overshoes 
 in the hall, but carries his hat and stick into the 
 parlor. Unless the lady is an invalid, or advanced 
 in years, she rises to receive him. If she does not 
 rise she excuses herself and extends her hand to 
 him. He does not remove his glove. He may seat 
 himself, or not, but upon the entrance of another 
 gentleman he takes his leave. The lady does not 
 extend her hand, nor accompany him to the door, 
 “ unless she desires him to understand that she en- 
 tertains a profoundly respectful regard for him.” 
 She introduces him to no one unless there should 
 be some special reason why this formality should 
 take place, but he converses with the other guests 
 as if he had met them before. This does not entitle 
 him to recognize them afterwards, unless he should 
 meet them again under like circumstances. 
 
 A gentleman lifts his hat in passing ladies in a 
 hall or corridor or upon the stairs. He uncovers 
 his head reverentially in passing a group of mourn- 
 ers at a doorway. 
 
 If a lady should drop her fan or kerchief, a gen- 
 tleman should of course pick it up and restore it to 
 her, lifting his hat while performing ^this service, 
 
44 
 
 SALUTATIONS. 
 
 whether he is acquainted with the lady or not. 
 There are other courtesies which will suggest them- 
 selves, that gentlemen should show to all ladies. 
 The lady bows or says “ Thank you,” though several 
 authorities say that “thank you” is obsolete, and a 
 “bow may convey more gratitude than speech.” 
 One authority says : ‘'This etiquette has been crit- 
 icized as an inadequate acknowledgment of an at- 
 tention, but if those who are able to arrange a 
 kindlier formula would but remember that it is quite 
 as gracious to receive as it is to bestow benefits, 
 perhaps they would be satisfied with present usage.” 
 
 If a lady who receives these attentions is accom- 
 panied by a gentleman, the gentleman lifts his hat 
 and says “Thank you.” 
 
 If it is necessary for any reason to beg a lady’s 
 pardon he lifts his hat whether he is acquainted 
 with her or not. 
 
 A gentleman opens a door for a strange lady and 
 holds it open with one hand and lifts his hat with 
 the other, while she passes through in advance of 
 him. 
 
 A gentleman always uncovers his head in an ele- 
 vator where there are ladies. 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 the unrefined, or underbred person, the visit- 
 ing card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of 
 paper ; but to the cultured disciple of social 
 law, it conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelli- 
 gence. Its texture, style of engraving, and even 
 the hour of leaving it, combine to place the stranger 
 whose name it bears, in a pleasant or a disagreeable 
 attitude, even before his manners, conversation and 
 face have been able to explain his social position. 
 The higher the civilization of a community, the 
 more careful is it to preserve the elegance of its 
 social forms. It is quite as easy to express a per- 
 fect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards 
 as by an}^ other method, and perhaps indeed, it is 
 the safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. 
 Its texture should be fine, its engraving a plain 
 script, its size neither too small, so that its recipi- 
 ents shall say to themselves, “ a whimsical person,” 
 nor too large, to suggest ostentation. Refinement 
 seldom touches extremes in any thing . — Home Jotir- 
 nal. 
 
 One has said, “There ought to be a book of the 
 laws and customs a la mode, presented to young 
 
 (45) 
 
46 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 people upon their introduction into public com- 
 pany.” 
 
 Says the author of Sensible Etiquette: “To 
 
 some persons such a book may seem unnecessary, 
 for the reason that our ceremonies are so few and 
 so simple, that all who have been well trained are 
 supposed to understand them. However, at second 
 thought it will be remembered that customs are con- 
 tinually changing, and that mothers in America, 
 with large families of children, sometimes allow 
 fifteen or twenty years to pass without troubling 
 themselves about much that is outside of their 
 own nurseries or households. When the seeming 
 interests of a grown-up daughter demand that the 
 mother shall herself return to society, she feeling 
 both indifferent and rusty, prefers to trust her child 
 to the chaperonage of some relative or friend. It 
 does not always happen that the matron whom 
 she selects, is capable of instructing her charge, or 
 it may be that it does not occur to her that the 
 young girl needs any instruction. 
 
 Again, take young persons of either sex who have 
 been educated in the country, and bring them into 
 the society of a city, what means have they of learn- 
 ing its customs, excepting through dearly bought 
 lessons of experience, which their sensibility might 
 well have been spared, had such a book as that pro- 
 posed, been put into their hands. 
 
 Good breeding is the same in the country as in 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 47 
 
 the city, it is true, but customs vary in different 
 sections.” 
 
 Bulwer says: “Just as the drilled soldier seems 
 
 a much finer fellow than the raw recruit, because he 
 knows how to carry himself, but after a year’s dis- 
 cipline the raw recruit may excel in martial air, the 
 upright hero whom he now despairingly admires, 
 and never dreams he can rival ; so set a mind from 
 a village into the drill of a capital, and see it a year 
 after ; it may tower a head higher than its recruit- 
 ing sergeant.” 
 
 “ It is the constant drilling of parents and teachers, 
 line upon line and precept upon precept, that is 
 needed with the young. The uncultivated who 
 ridicule this drilling, who refuse to observe the forms 
 that the cultivated adopt, not only expose their own 
 deficient training, but their conduct gives increased 
 testimony to the necessity that exists for a more 
 general understanding of those laws of social life 
 which, like the laws of the universe, prevent all 
 ■ things from returning to chaos. - Some of these 
 laws of social life, like the laws of civil life, differ in 
 different lands ; though not those that are the most 
 essential in the regulation of conduct and behavior. 
 Everywhere children are taught that affectation 
 and pretense are vulgarities.” That keeping the hat 
 on in the house in the presence of a lady ; imperti- 
 nence to parents or any one ; selfishly taking the 
 best of any thing when there are others to be served ; 
 
48 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 and many other things equally rasping, are looked 
 upon in the same light everywhere. In all cultivated 
 society all breaches of good manners are regarded 
 as either vulgarities or rudenesses. They denote 
 want of early training, or a coarse nature not sus- 
 ceptible of refinement. In the thousand nameless 
 acts which compose manner, the mind betrays its 
 habitual bent. This is not so however, with the 
 practice, or neglect of varying social laws, such as 
 are acquired either by mixing with the world, or by 
 that self-culture which leads a man to keep himself 
 acquainted with the customs of the day. Good 
 birth and good training are the privileges of the 
 few ; but the habits and manners of a gentleman 
 may be acquired by any man who cares to add the 
 graces of high culture to the knowledge and educa- 
 tion necessary to success in any position in life. 
 Some of these varying social laws are involved in 
 the ceremony of leaving cards ; which laws have 
 through many years been derided as meaningless 
 and stupid by the ignorant ; as well as by many 
 whose visiting is so simple as to need no rules to 
 regulate ceremonious calls. 
 
 WHAT CARDS MEAN. 
 
 “The card is the medium of social intercourse 
 when we are in our gayest moods, and we choose it 
 to convey our sympathies to the sorrowful. The 
 friendliest sentiments are expressed by a timely 
 
VISITINCx AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 49 
 
 card, and our coldest and bitterest dislikes can be 
 similarly carried to an enemy. It tells its little 
 story of fondness, or of indifference, according to 
 the promptness and the method of its arrival. It 
 announces a friend and it says good bye. It con- 
 gratulates delicately, but unmistakably, and it is the 
 brief bearer of tidings which a volume could explain 
 with no more clearness.” 
 
 THE STYLE OF CARDS. 
 
 The texture of visiting cards should be fine ; they 
 should be engraved in plain script ; their size neither 
 too small nor too large; there should be no flourishes, 
 but clear medium sized letters, with the prefix Mrs. 
 or Miss tor ladies and Mr. tor gentlemen. It a lady 
 have a title she may prefix it to her name, as Rev. 
 Mary C. Burgess ; Dr. Ida M. Thomas. No lady 
 should use a suggestion of her husband’s political 
 honor, religious rank, military or naval position, or 
 his professional occupation, either by abbreviation 
 or otherwise. She does not wish to be received for 
 his sake, but for her own. A lady may be mentioned 
 with the honorable prefix the husband bears, but 
 she should never assume it herself. It is not eti- 
 quette and is in bad taste ; besides, custom permits 
 her to leave her husband’s card with her own upon 
 all those occasions which require hers, and in many 
 instances the use of his card with hers is a matter 
 of strict etiquette. 
 
50 
 
 VISITING- AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 With gentlemen, it is customary to prefix to the 
 name, military and naval indications of rank, as 
 Gen., Adm., etc.; professional titles, such as Right 
 Rev., Rev. and Dr.; but in this country Hon. and 
 Excellency, for which there is no warrant but cour- 
 tesy, are never taken by the unassuming. 
 
 The street and number are engraved in the lower 
 left hand corner. 
 
 The mother’s and eldest daughter’s names are 
 upon the same card usually during two years after 
 the daughter enters society, unless she is sooner 
 superceded by a younger sister. If not deposed, she 
 may remain upon her mother’s card as long as she 
 likes. 
 
 When two daughters have "been followed into 
 society by a third one, it is in good taste to order 
 
 MISSES MORTON 
 
 engraved upon a card with the address, and an “ at 
 home ” day. This card is for convenience only ; 
 each young lady has her separate card for individ- 
 ual uses. 
 
 A widow has no card during the first year of 
 mourning, because she does not visit. After that 
 her own Christian name, with the prefix Mrs., of 
 course, should be engraved upon it. Her married 
 name is obsolete. 
 
 VISITING AND CARDS FOR LADIES. 
 
 Says a writer: 
 
 “ Neither the little burg nor the 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 5 I 
 
 great city should know any difference in the conduct 
 of the individuals composing its population. Allow- 
 ing for the necessary variations in the tenor of daily 
 life in the two places, there should be complete 
 union regarding the proprieties ; one code of 
 behavior should cover all, and a person going from 
 one place to the other, should be utterly undis- 
 tinguishable by his conduct from those around him. 
 If, indeed, every one took pains to be informed con- 
 cerning the right and best in social intercourse and 
 usage, and looked at the matter as one of real im- 
 portance and not of frivolous trifling, rudeness and 
 awkwardness would soon disappear from among us. 
 In this connection another class of persons may be 
 mentioned. The one comprising that large number 
 who, having seen certain rules in books, treating 
 upon etiquette, rely upon them instead of upon 
 those unwritten rules which have been handed 
 down in families from generation to generation, 
 with only such changes as the changing states of 
 society require. Here books are prejudicial, because 
 instead of giving rules suited to the present customs 
 of society, they do little more than repeat the rules 
 of a by-gone age. 
 
 Still another class of persons cite the customs 
 prevailing in the best society with which they are 
 familiar, as the general customs of society at its 
 best. No more effectual barrier to progress can be 
 found than this class builds up. Northing short of 
 

 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 a revolution can demolish such barriers, and we 
 have no Caesars nor Napoleons in our American 
 scoiety to ride over them, trampling them down on 
 their way. For every item of the regulatians of 
 the best society there is a reason, and usually a 
 compulsory one. Having been made intelligently, 
 most of them can be rediscovered by intelligence, 
 although for some of the finer distinctions, exper- 
 ience may be necessary. Obedience to these social 
 laws is what obedience to law is in political life, 
 and the obligations which individuals feel in their 
 observance is said to be binding in proportion to the 
 fineness of their sense of honor and the keenness 
 of their self-respect. 
 
 Etiquette is the sovereign ruler of social pleasure; 
 its kingdom comprises not only manners, but the 
 application of manners events. The observance 
 of its laws avoids confusion and maintains decorum, 
 insuring to each individual, due attention and 
 respect. Its whole attention is to maintain the 
 dignity of the individual and the comfort of the 
 community. Whatever enjoyment of our daily 
 existence we have, so far as others are concerned, 
 is possible only through our obedience to the laws 
 of that etiquette which governs the whole machin- 
 ery, and keeps every cog and wheel in place and at 
 its own work, which prevents jostling, and carries 
 all things along to their consummation. 
 
 Surely the science of social intercourse and its 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 53 
 
 regulations are worthy of being made a study, as 
 the means through which people meet each other, 
 maintaining harmony and peace in their relations, 
 and securing the greatest possible amount of com- 
 fort to all. 
 
 In our varying social forms, cards have changed 
 less than anything else. They are very much the 
 same, at least in style, as a hundred years ago. 
 
 To-day the same formalities of card etiquette 
 prevail throughout the entire country, with the 
 exception of Washington, which has customs pecu- 
 liar to its fluctuating political conditions. Card and 
 other etiquette is governed by its own social by- 
 laws, to which no other place could conform. 
 
 FIRST CALLS. 
 
 In France, when a new-comer of recognized 
 respectability fixes his residence in a place, he or 
 she is expected to pay the first visit. In England 
 among equals in rank, an invitation to call follows 
 the leaving of a card — if the acquaintance is desired. 
 In America the settled residents pay the initiatory 
 courtesies, although in the large cities, when a 
 family returns after a considerable absence, it is 
 usual to send cards to their friends and acquaint- 
 ances to announce their arrival, and to make known 
 their address. 
 
 Says the author of ^'Social Etiquette:'' “In. 
 New York, an introduction by one method or 
 
54 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 another is a formal necessity.” As the card etiquette 
 of New York is the same as in other places in 
 America, (except — as has been already stated — 
 Washington), I quote further from this author — as 
 I have frequent occasion to do: “ An acquaintance 
 
 to be formed between ladies who are strangers, 
 may be arranged by leaving or sending cards, where 
 a personal presentation is inconvenient, and when 
 each one has a proper and justifiable knowledge of 
 the other. The introducing lady or gentleman uses 
 the following formula, writing it upon the upper 
 left of her or his visiting-card: 
 
 Introducing 
 Mrs. Felix Field. 
 
 This card is inclosed in an unsealed envelope 
 with that of the lady presented. This envelope 
 must be of a fine quality, and either be posted or 
 sent by messenger. If it goes by mail, an outer 
 envelope which is sealed incloses it. 
 
 There was a time when a messenger only was 
 considered either proper or courteous, but the postal 
 delivery is now approved, and is satisfactory for the 
 uses of the greater part of a lady’s messages. The 
 lady who receives the two cards must call in per- 
 son, or, if this be impossible,- some member of the 
 family must call, or a letter be sent to explain the 
 omission. Nothing less than this is possible, with- 
 out offending the introducing party. 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 55 
 
 If the call is made upon the sender of the two 
 cards, not more than three days should intervene 
 between this courtesy and the introduction. This 
 visit must be as promptly returned, unless an “At 
 home” day is mentioned, either upon the visiting 
 card or during the interview. If no special civili- 
 ties are extended, and the introduced lady lives at 
 a distance, she must leave a card with p. p. c. (^pour 
 prendre conge ; to take leave) written upon it, to 
 give information of her departure ; but, if their ac- 
 quaintance has gone no further than one visit each, 
 she need not call again, and her leave-taking card 
 closes the courtesy. If she be a resident of the 
 city, she may include the new acquaintance in her 
 formal visiting list, and invite her to receptions; but 
 she cannot first ask the acquaintance whom she has 
 herself desired, to a breakfast, luncheon or dinner, 
 unless there is an especial reason for it which is 
 clearly understood to be acceptable to the acquaint- 
 ance who has been sought. It would be obtrusive. 
 The first hospitalit}^ is a privilege very properly 
 reserved to the one who has received an unsought 
 acquaintance. 
 
 After a personal introduction, the oldest resident 
 may, if she choose, leave a card which must be 
 similarly acknowledged within a week, unless a vis- 
 iting day is engraved or written upon the card of 
 the first caller, when that special occasion cannot 
 be overlooked without !li return card or a written 
 
56 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 apology. No further visiting is necessary, unless 
 mutually convenient and agreeable. 
 
 Even this limited intercourse makes frequent 
 meetings in society easier and more agreeable, and 
 it involves nothing. It is simply ornamenting the 
 barren wastes of speechlessness, and makes it easy 
 for the American to avoid the vulgar habit of silence, 
 even at a private party, when he is not introduced. 
 Happily this appalling lack of courtesy, when speech 
 would be a kindly assistance to the hostess, even if 
 not wholly agreeable to guests, is drifting into the 
 past along with many other of those gauclieries 
 that are natural to a youthful country.” 
 
 At watering places and country estates, calls are 
 made upon those who arrive later. At places of 
 summer resort, those who own their cottages call 
 first upon those who rent them ; and those who 
 rent, in turn, call upon each other according to the 
 priority of arrival, while both those who own and 
 those who rent call first upon friends arriving at the 
 hotels. In all these cases exceptions should be 
 made where there is any great difference in the age ; 
 the younger then calling upon the elder, if there 
 has been a previous acquaintance or exchange of 
 calls. In first calls it is well to remember the Eng- 
 lish rule. The lady highest in rank makes the first 
 call in England; and here, where age gives prece- 
 dence, the elder lady pays the first call, unless she 
 takes the initiative by inviting the younger to call 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 5/ 
 
 upon her, or by sending her an invitation to some 
 entertainment which she is about to give. 
 
 When it becomes a question as to which shall 
 call first (at places of summer resort) between per- 
 sons occupying neighboring villas, who arrived from 
 different cities at the same time, the lady whose 
 home is in the city nearest the watering place would 
 feel herself at liberty to make the first call, 
 if she desired to make the acquaintance of her 
 neighbor, provided they had both rented the 
 villas for the first time that season. If not, the one 
 who has been the longest occupant, calls first with- 
 out reference to the distances of their resjpective 
 cities. When the occupants of two villas, who have 
 arrived the same season, meet at the house of a 
 common friend, and the elder of the two uses her 
 privilege of inviting the other to call, there could 
 be no further question as to who should make the 
 first visit. The sooner the call is made after such 
 an invitation is extended, the more civil will it be 
 considered. Not to call would be a positive rude- 
 ness. Equally rude is it when one lady asks per- 
 mission of another to bring a friend to call, and then 
 neglects to do it after permission is given. 
 
 In some foreign countries calls are often returned 
 within twenty-four hours ; there are no exceptions 
 anywhere to the rule that all first calls should be 
 returned promptly. If the acquaintance is not de- 
 sired, the first call can be the last, 
 
 5 
 
58: VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 When, in place of a first call, an invitation to an 
 entertainment has been given, the lady invited 
 should at once leave cards and send either an ac- 
 ceptance or a regret. Whether she attends the en- 
 tertainment or not, she should call within three 
 days after it. All first calls should be returned 
 within three days. A longer delay than a week is 
 considered an intimation that you are unwilling to 
 accept the new acquaintance, unless some excuse is 
 made for the omission. 
 
 Another authority says on the subject of first 
 calls: “A very desirable and polite expedient has 
 
 been substituted for first calls, in the sending out 
 of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady 
 who wishes to begin her social life in a new city. 
 These may or may not be accompanied by the 
 card of some well-known friend. If these cards 
 bring the desired visits, or the cards of the desired 
 guests, the beginner may feel that she has started 
 on her society career with no loss of self-respect. 
 Those who do not respond are generally in the mi- 
 nority. Too much haste in making new acquaint- 
 ances, however, ' pushing,’ as it is called, cannot be 
 too much deprecated.” This method of getting 
 into society” looks very like “pushing,” and we 
 would not advise its adoption. You would better 
 bide your time and have less to regret. The friend, 
 whose card you would send by this plan, can man- 
 age to make you acquainted with her friends, and 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. J9 
 
 in the course of social events you will probably take 
 your place where you belong. 
 
 P. P. C. CARDS. 
 
 “ When a lady leaves town for the season, for a 
 voyage, or any protracted absence, she sends p. p. c. 
 cards {^pour prendre co7tge ) — to take leave — to such 
 of her friends or acquaintances as she is indebted 
 to for unacknowledged courtesies. She sends 
 also her temporary address if she cares to do so. 
 When she returns to town again, and is ready to 
 receive, she sends out her visiting cards with her 
 receiving day engraved upon the left hand corner. 
 A properly kept visiting record will explain which 
 lady should make the first visit in the autumn.” 
 
 CHANGE OF RESIDENCE. 
 
 “When a lady changes her residence, she must 
 leave her card with her new address, upon those to 
 whom she is indebted for a visit; but she need not 
 enter, and she may send it by post to those upon 
 whom she made the last call. Her new neighbor- 
 hood may be out of the .limits of her late friends’ 
 visiting range, or it may be located in a street that 
 is distasteful; hence the first card should never in- 
 clude a call upon a formal acquaintance.” 
 
 LAST CALL OF A YOUNG LADY ABOUT TO BE MARRIED. 
 
 The card of the mother or chaperon accompa- 
 nies that of the young lady about to be married, 
 
6o 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 which she leaves upon her friends in person about 
 four weeks before the wedding. Their names are 
 not engraved upon the same card. She leaves her 
 separate card for each lady member of the family 
 upon which she calls, thus intimating that she per- 
 sonally desires to retain their friendship. 
 
 EXPRESSIONS OF SYMPATHY. 
 
 “If death occurs in the household of a friend, a 
 card with any appropriate sentiment written upon 
 it, or a box of cut flowers and a card, should be 
 sent directly. The flowers are not intended for 
 the funeral, but as an emblem of personal sympa- 
 thy and affection. The same gentle recognition of 
 any felicitous event, such as the birth of a child, a 
 private wedding, the entering of a new house, etc., 
 is a pleasant but not rigid etiquette among friends 
 and admirers. 
 
 ‘ ‘ Among acquaintances the card only, with no 
 intruding expression upon it, is left, either with or 
 without flowers — usually without when a sorrow 
 has fallen upon a family. This card may be that 
 of a stranger even; but it is never sent; it is al- 
 ways left in person, or it is carried by special mes- 
 senger, as a more delicate recognition of the grave 
 event. This act is one of gentle kindness, and 
 demands no acknowledgement whatever. It is 
 compelled by too delicate a sentiment for the sym- 
 pathizer to desire a reply. 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 6i 
 
 ‘‘This etiquette is not a necessity, but is only a 
 proof of gentle breeding and refined manners.” 
 
 HOURS FOR CARD LEAVING AND CALLING. 
 
 Calling hours vary in our cities and towns, be- 
 ginning as early as twelve o’clock in some small 
 places. From two to four is preferred by many, 
 as during that time neither the lunch nor the after- 
 noon drive is interfered with. The most fashion- 
 able hours are between two and five o’clock. Calls 
 or visits made before six o’ clock are called morning 
 calls, or morning visits. Evening calls are made 
 between half-past eight and ten o’clock. Evening 
 calls are made only by gentlemen, except among 
 intimate friends, unless a lady gives one evening a 
 week to the reception of visitors. 
 
 AT HOME. 
 
 If a lady is driving when she makes her call, her 
 man-servant will inquire if the lady of the house is 
 “at home.” If “at home,” the lady calling will 
 leave two of her husband’s cards on the hall table 
 in a conspicuous place, or hand them to the serv- 
 ant; one card for the master and one for the mis- 
 tress of the house. Having seen the lady of the 
 house, she will not leave her own card. When 
 the mistress of the house is “at home,” the lady 
 must not give her card to the servant. If the ser- 
 vant does not know the visitor’s name, he will say 
 to her, “ What name, if you please.^ ” He will pre- 
 
62 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 cede the visitor to the parlor where the lady is re- 
 ceiving and announce ‘‘Mrs. Courtland.” 
 
 There are exceptions to all rules, and the excep- 
 tion to the rule of not giving the servant a card 
 when the lady is “at home,” is this: the ser- 
 
 vant has not had previous instructions in reference 
 to his mistress being “at home,” or not “at 
 home,” the card should be sent in (only one, 
 and that not turned down), to ascertain whether 
 the lady or ladies are “at home” to visitors. 
 Of course he could ascertain their wishes in refer- 
 ence to receiving generally, but it frequently 
 happens that ladies are “at home” to their friends 
 when not “at home” to acquaintances, and ser- 
 vants do not always understand the name of a 
 visitor. 
 
 ENGAGED, OR NOT “AT HOME.” 
 
 If not “ at home,” the lady calling will hand the 
 servant three cards, one of her own and two of her 
 husband’s (it is no longer stylish for the names of 
 husband and wife to be engraved upon the same 
 card, except directly after marriage), the card of 
 the lady will be for the lady of the house, as a lady 
 leaves a card for ladies only; a gentleman leaves 
 cards for both husband and wife. After the first 
 call of the season it is not necessary to leave the 
 husband’s cards except after an invitation to dinner. 
 
 The servant of the lady calling will hand these 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 63 
 
 cards to the servant answering the door without 
 remark. 
 
 If a lady is walking when she leaves her cards, 
 or pays her visit, she will repeat the same formula, 
 if the lady upon whom she calls is not “at home.” 
 
 If the lady is merely leaving cards and not in- 
 tending to call, she would hand the three cards to 
 her servant, saying, “ For Mrs. Smith,” and he will 
 repeat, “For Mrs. Smith” to the servant answer- 
 ing the door. Mentioning the name insures leaving 
 the cards at the right door. 
 
 Some writers upon etiquette, object to the form- 
 ula “ not at home ” being used, when ladies are en- 
 gaged, or do not wish to receive vishors. It does 
 not involve a falsehood, as every one knows what 
 it means. Words are symbols and if we have made 
 these three little words symbolize something foreign 
 to their ordinary meaning, we must understand 
 what it is and accept it accordingly. It is custom. 
 
 A lady should be very careful to instruct her ser- 
 vant, before the calling hours, what her wishes are 
 with reference to receiving. If she is ‘ ‘ not at 
 home,” the servant should say so as soon as he is 
 asked if she is receiving; for a visitor once admitted 
 into the house must be seen at any inconvenience. 
 If the lady has a day for receiving, the servant 
 should say, “Mrs. Jones receives on Wednesdays.” 
 
64 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 A LADY CALLING, ACCOMPANIED BY HER HUSBAND. 
 
 Ladies are seldom accompanied by their hus- 
 bands when calling; if, however, the husband does 
 call with the wife and the lady is ‘‘at home,” he 
 leaves one of his own cards for the gentleman of. 
 the house, which would be the only card left. If 
 the gentleman of the house is at home, no cards 
 are left. 
 
 CALLING WHERE THERE IS A DAUGHTER OR 
 DAUGHTERS, 
 
 the lady leaves a separate card for them. But she 
 does not leave her husband’s card for them. 
 
 CALLING WHERE THERE ARE SONS, 
 
 she leaves her husband’s cards upon them but does 
 not leave her own. 
 
 CALLING WHERE THERE ARE GUESTS 
 
 stopping with a friend, the lady leaves cards upon 
 them, as well as upon the friend. 
 
 If a lady is calling upon guests where she does 
 not know the host and hostess, she must inquire if 
 the ladies are at home; if she is not admitted she 
 must leave cards for the host and hostess as well 
 as for the guests, as this is one of the first require- 
 ments of good breeding. 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 65 
 
 AT RECEPTIONS. 
 
 Cards are always left in the hall when entering 
 a reception. This custom makes the debtor and 
 creditor list of the entertainer easier to arrange. If 
 an invitation to a party or a reception is unavoid- 
 ably declined after having been accepted, cards are 
 sent by messenger upon the same evening and an 
 explanatory note is forwarded the next day when 
 more leisure will make its excuses and regrets un- 
 derstood. 
 
 LEAVING A son’s CARDS. 
 
 When a son has lately entered society, his mother 
 leaves his card, also her husband’s, upon the lady 
 and the gentleman of the house, but her daughter’s 
 cards are for the lady only. The son’ s card signi- 
 fies that he is in society, and that it is expected 
 that he will be included in the season’s general 
 invitations. This is strict etiquette. In a place of 
 busy gentlemen, such an arrangement is necessary. 
 It explains family conditions which otherwise might 
 not be understood; and after one invitation is 
 received from a lady by the son he can manage his 
 own social matters with her by making his party 
 call, and leaving his own card and address. 
 
 If the mother is unable to attend to those for- 
 malities which strict etiquette demands, the son’s 
 entrance into society, is managed by a near lady 
 relative. 
 
66 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 TIME FOR RETURNING CALLS AND CARDS. 
 
 All first calls must be returned within three days; 
 also calls after a dinner or entertainment of any 
 kind, if it is a first invitation, must be made within 
 three days. After subsequent invitations to an 
 entertainment, ‘ ‘ the cards of all who have been 
 invited, whether the invitation was accepted, or 
 not, are to be left by some member of the family, 
 upon both host and hostess, and also upon any one 
 for whom the entertainment may have been given; 
 within a week a single lady member of the family 
 may perform this social duty of returning cards of 
 thanks and congratulations upon the success of the 
 fete, because in the height of the gay season, pressing 
 engagements compel a division of these formalities. 
 Gentlemen cannot assist in these social arrange- 
 ments, and thus relieve the lady members of the 
 family. They may, however, leave a lady’s card at 
 a house of sorrow, but not after a festivity.” 
 
 One month after the birth of a child the call of 
 congratulation is made by acquaintances. Rela- 
 tives and intimate friends call sooner, often to the 
 injury of the young mother and her babe. 
 
 A call of condolence is made within ten days 
 after a death, if on intimate terms with the family; 
 otherwise within a month. 
 
 In exchanging ordinary calls and cards, care must 
 be taken to observe the^etiquette of thej person 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 6/ 
 
 making the call or leaving the card; a call in person 
 must not be returned by a card only; nor a card by 
 a call. 
 
 One cannot return the calls of elderly ladies, or 
 even of one’s equals in age, by leaving cards at the 
 door. It is not considered respectful. If the cards 
 of persons much younger are left after hospitalities 
 extended to them, one can make a card serve for a 
 return visit. 
 
 A person holding a higher social position can 
 return a card by a call and it would be considered 
 a compliment; but should a lady call upon an 
 acquaintance of higher social position than herself, 
 who had only left a card for her, it would be deemed 
 an impertinence. 
 
 WRITING ON VISITING CARDS. 
 
 The name of the lady or gentleman for whom 
 the cards are intended, must never be written on 
 the cards left at the house. The only case in which 
 it may be done, is when the cards are left for a lady 
 or gentleman staying at a crowded hotel; to insure 
 their delivery to the proper person, the name, 
 '‘For Mrs. Brown, ” should be written above the 
 engraved name of the person leaving the card. 
 
 WHEN CARDS SHOULD BE LEFT IN PERSON. 
 
 It is proper to call in person, or to leave cards of 
 congratulation and condolence or after receiving 
 
68 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 any unusual attention. After an acquaintance has 
 lost a relative, a call should be made in person; 
 also after an engagement of marriage is announced; 
 after a marriage; after a return from a voyage, and 
 after an invitation has been extended. However, 
 if it is impossible to pay these calls in persc^n, a 
 card may be sent, except in the case of an invita- 
 tion to dinner. A lady who gives a dinner must 
 call upon her expected guests, if she owe them a 
 call, before she sends invitations to them, so of 
 course, after the dinner, the invited, whether they 
 accept or decline, must pay the visit or call in per- 
 son, unless grief or illness has been the reason for 
 declining the invitation. Cards to inquire after 
 friends during illness, must be left in person or they 
 may be sent by a servant. First visits must be 
 returned in person. 
 
 WHEN CARDS SHOULD BE LEFT.- 
 
 Visiting cards should be left after every enter- 
 tainment, by those who have been invited whether 
 they have accepted the invitation or not, and they 
 should be left the next day after the entertainment, 
 if possible, and certainly within ten days. By en- 
 tertainment is meant dinners, balls, “at homes,” 
 private theatricals, amateur concerts, garden par- 
 ties, birthday parties, etc. It is not customary 
 to receive the calls that are made after an enter- 
 tainment, excepting where the lady has a day, or 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 69 
 
 when she has friends staying with her. For this 
 reason, persons who wish to leave cards only, call 
 within the prescribed three days, as they are then 
 sure of not being admitted, where the customs of 
 society are understood. However, after a dinner, 
 as has been stated, it is the rule to ask if the lady 
 is “at home.” To dine at a house denotes a greater 
 intimacy than the being present at a large gathering. 
 
 WEEKLY RECEPTION DAYS. 
 
 Among authorities consulted, one, a titled lady, 
 says: “To receive visitors on a stated day in each 
 
 week is only justified by a lofty position,” Says 
 another: “Unless the lady has professional duties, 
 
 or is very much occupied with social ones, there is 
 a sort of affectation about this, as it assumes that 
 your acquaintances will specially charge themselves 
 with remembering your particular day.” 
 
 “Order is heaven’s first law,” and it facilitates the 
 orderly working of a household to have a regular 
 visiting day, as well as to have regular days for dif- 
 ferent kinds of work. 
 
 The ladies in the same neighborhood should have 
 the same day, the oldest resident fixing the day. 
 This custom, which is practiced in some cities, facil- 
 itates visiting, saves time and is otherwise con- 
 venient. 
 
 When a lady announces that she will receive on 
 a certain day every week, it is hot courteous to 
 
70 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 leave cards on that day without going in, nor to call 
 upon any other day, as it seems to denote a wish 
 not to see her. One asks: “If a number of ladies 
 who are friends receive on the same day, when and 
 how will they visit each other? Can cards be sent 
 through others?” The call must be made some 
 other day; cards cannot be sent through others. 
 Some ladies who are at home to acquaintances only 
 on their reception days, admit intimate friends any 
 day and at any time. A first call should not be 
 made on reception days. 
 
 STRANGERS IN TOWN. 
 
 Strangers stopping in town should send cards 
 with their addresses to the friends and acquaint- 
 ances whom they wish to see. These cards may go 
 by post. 
 
 CARDS TO INQUIRE. 
 
 Cards to inquire after friends during illness must 
 be left in person and not sent b)^ post. On a lady’s 
 visiting card must be written above the name “To 
 inquire,” adding nothing else. It has been sug- 
 gested by a prominent authority that cards to re- 
 turn thanks for inquiries might be engraved as 
 follows: “Mrs. Brown presents her compliments 
 
 and returns thanks for kind inquiries.” This card 
 might be sent by post to all friends who had left 
 cards “to inquire,” in acknowledgment of their 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. ^/I 
 
 kindness. The same authority suggests also that a 
 similar card might be engraved and used by the af- 
 flicted, those who have lost a friend or relative. 
 “Mr. A — begs to express his thanks for your kind 
 sympathy in his recent bereavement.” This would 
 save much letter-writing. Both the above sugges- 
 tions are worthy of adoption. 
 
 “For the purpose of returning thanks, printed 
 cards are sold with the owner’s name written above 
 the printed words. These printed cards are gener- 
 ally sent by post, as they are dispatched while the 
 person inquired after is still an invalid. These 
 cards are also used to convey the intelligence of 
 the sender’s recovery. Therefore they would not 
 be sent while the person was in danger or seriously 
 ill.” 
 
 Cards of condolence should be returned with 
 mourning cards, when the family are ready to ap- 
 pear again in society. 
 
 WHEN CARDS MAY BE SENT BY MAIL. 
 
 A lady upon changing her residence in the city 
 leaves a card in person on those to whom she is in- 
 debted, but to those upon whom she called last, she 
 may send her card by post. Cards sent to acquaint- 
 ances upon one’s returning to town are sent by post; 
 so also are p. p. c. cards, and invitations and replies. 
 
72 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 FOLDING OR TURNING DOWN THE ENDS OF CARDS. 
 
 Cards left in person (except those left on recep- 
 tion days) should be turned down across one end. 
 If not turned down it would denote either that it 
 had been left on a reception day or had been sent 
 in to ascertain if the ladies were at ‘‘at home,” or 
 that it had been sent by a servant. It does not 
 matter which end of the card is folded over, though 
 the right is given the preference, merely because it 
 facilitates the reading of the reception day in the 
 lower left corner. The turning of different corners 
 to signify different kinds of calls is obsolete. Fold- 
 ing or turning down a card means simply that one 
 has called in person. 
 
 ladies’ visiting list. 
 
 Every lady who has a large acquaintance should 
 keep a visiting book in which to record the names 
 of her acquaintances, and the date when their 
 cards were left upon her, with the date of her re- 
 turn cards upon them, and such other data of her 
 “list” as would tax the memory without this rec- 
 ord. This is valuable and necessary in sending out 
 invitations. 
 
 WHEN A LADY HAS NO RECEPTION DAY. 
 
 When a lady has no day she should instruct^ the 
 servant in the morning as to whom she will see, or 
 whether she will be “at home” to any one. If 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 73 
 
 she is receiving, she should be dressed and ready 
 to see visitors at the conventional hour and not 
 keep them waiting. If she should for any reason 
 be delayed, she should send down and ascertain if 
 the delay will inconvenience the visitor. The serv- 
 ant should return to the parlor and say, “Mrs. 
 
 will be down in a moment.” An apology for any 
 delay is due to the visitor. 
 
 The cards of gentlemen brought by the ladies of 
 the family, and of aged persons who no longer 
 make personal visits, are left on the hall table, un- 
 less the servant has a tray to receive them. 
 
 If the servant is not properly instructed and ad- 
 mits a lady when the mistress is not receiving, she 
 can do no better than to go to the parlor and wait, 
 saying to the servant at the same time that if the 
 mistress is engaged she need not take the trouble 
 to come down. 
 
 GUEST AND HOSTESS. 
 
 If you are a guest at a house, it is your duty to 
 see that your hostess is not annoyed with any dis- 
 respect shown her by your visitors. They should 
 always ask for the hostess and leave cards for her. 
 Should they, through inadvertence, overlook these 
 courtesies, you can quietly and delicately suggest 
 them. 
 
 If you are the hostess and guests use your draw- 
 ing-room to receive visitors who have not asked 
 6 
 
74 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 for you, and an acquaintance calls upon you, do not 
 receive him in another room, but, as mistress of 
 your own house, receive him in your drawing-room. 
 
 CALLING AMONG STRANGERS. 
 
 If, in calling upon the lady of the house or her 
 guest, you should be shown into a room where 
 were assembled a company of visitors to whom you 
 are unknown, give your name at once and say upon 
 whom you have called. 
 
 RECALLING NAMES. 
 
 If you cannot recall the name of the person to 
 whom you are speaking, say so frankly. No well- 
 bred person will take offense because you have for- 
 gotten his name. 
 
 VISITING THE SONS AND DAUGHTERS. 
 
 If the sons and daughters of a family are invited 
 without the parents — which is sometimes done 
 where the acquaintance between the families is 
 recent, and the social circle of those inviting is 
 large — the parents should leave or send cards after 
 the entertainment to which the children have been 
 invited, as a recognition of the courtesy extended 
 to them. The entertainers should return the cards, 
 but there need be no further calling. 
 
 ACQUAINTANCES WHO NEVER MEET. 
 
 It sometimes happens that ladies exchange calls 
 for years without ever meeting and who do not 
 know each other by sight. They should seek an 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 75 
 
 opportunity to make themselves known to each 
 other, the younger seeking the elder, although 
 ladies sure of themselves and their social positions, 
 waive all ceremony on these little points. 
 
 INFORMAL CALLS. 
 
 Ceremonious visiting is necessary to keep up an 
 acquaintance, where the circle is too large for social 
 visiting, but intimate friends expect and should 
 have at least one or two informal calls each winter. 
 The most satisfactory of all visiting, are these in- 
 formal visits in plain morning dress. 
 
 Some ladies are “at home” to their most inti- 
 mate friends at all hours, who are not “at home” 
 to mere acquaintances in calling hours, because 
 most acquaintances do not expect or wish to be 
 admitted. 
 
 A CARD FOR A CALL. 
 
 Formerly it was considered necessary to exchange 
 calls before sending invitations to families but 
 slightly acquainted with each other. Now cards are 
 enclosed with the invitation to take the place of a 
 call. 
 
 NEW ACQUAINTANCES. 
 
 “It is not considered necessary to leave cards 
 after a tea. A lady leaves her cards as she enters 
 the hall, pays her visit, and the etiquette of a visit- 
 ing acquaintance is thus established for a year. 
 She should, however, give a tea herself, asking all 
 her entertainers. 
 
y6 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 ‘'If a lady has been invited to a tea or other en- 
 tertainment through a friend without having known 
 the hostess, she is bound to call soon; but if the in- 
 vitation is not followed up by a return card, or 
 another invitation, she must understand that the 
 icquaintance is at an end. She may, however, in- 
 vite her new friend within a reasonable time, to 
 some entertainment at her own house, and if that is 
 accepted the acquaintance goes on. It is soon as- 
 certained by a young woman who begins life in a 
 new city whether her new friends intend to be 
 friendly or the reverse. A resident in a town or 
 village can call with propriety on any new-comer. 
 The new-comer must return this call, but if she 
 does not desire the acquaintance, this can be the 
 end of it.” 
 
 HOW MANY MEMBERS OF A FAMILY MAY CALL AT THE 
 SAME TIME. 
 
 Not more than two persons of one family, or at 
 the most three, may make calls together. 
 
 A SUBSTITUTE FOR CALLS. 
 
 A lady giving one reception a year, to which she 
 invites all her acquaintances may be excused from 
 making calls or sending cards, unless she receives 
 an invitation which necessitates the making of a 
 personal call. 
 
 If a card is left on a lady’s receiving day, she 
 should make the next call. 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 77 
 
 LADIES’ CALLING TOILET. 
 
 Ladies making calls in the city dress more ele- 
 gantly than for walking or shopping. At places of 
 summer resort, ladies may make informal calls in 
 morning dress, or they may make cermonious visits 
 in driving toilette, before the afternoon drive. 
 
 LADIES’ RECEPTION TOILET. 
 
 On reception days a lady dresses richly and 
 plainly. She wears a dark, plain dress, without 
 flowers, or diamonds, these, like a man’s dress coat 
 and white necktie, are reserved for the dinner toilet. 
 
 RECEIVING VISITORS. 
 
 A lady rises when her visitors enter, but does not 
 advance to meet them; they come to her. She 
 seats the latest arrivals in such places or positions 
 as will include them in the ^'circle” in such a way 
 as to enable her to speak with each .of them in 
 turn. A gentleman takes any vacant chair without 
 troubling the hostess. Should she be seated upon 
 a sofa, he must not seat himself beside her unless 
 she invite him to do so. If the company is not too 
 large, she will try to generalize the conversation, 
 paying no more attention to one than to another, 
 unless it be to the aged, the stranger, the shy and 
 the unfortunate. If she is a woman of true refine- 
 ment she will do this. If she is a snob, not sure 
 of her social position, she will give her sweetest 
 smiles to the rich and the fashionable. 
 
78 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 A lady — unless in her own house — does not rise 
 upon the arrival or departure of guests, unless they 
 are much older than herself. “Attention to the 
 aged is one of the marks of good breeding which is 
 never neglected by the thoughtful and refined.” 
 
 A gentleman rises when ladies with whom he is 
 talking, rise to take their leave. He also rises 
 when ladies enter, but, unless in his own house, he 
 does not seat them. Some ladies accompany lady 
 visitors to the drav/ing-room door. They do not 
 accompany gentlemen. Where the servant opens 
 the door, the hostess should ring in good time, so 
 as not to detain the departing caller. 
 
 A hostess who receives her visitors cordially, 
 gives her hand to gentlemen as well as ladies. 
 
 A formal call or visit should be from ten to twenty 
 minutes duration. 
 
 Visitors should not leave when the hostess is 
 busy with fresh arrivals, but wait until they are 
 seated, then take leave of her, bowing to those 
 whom they know, or to those with whom they have 
 been conversing, one bow including all. 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 As has been explained in the chapter on introduc- 
 tions, residents are never introduced unless both 
 parties desire it, or unless there is some especial 
 reason for it. Strangers in the city are introduced. 
 All persons meeting under the same roof may con- 
 verse without an introduction; though gentlemen 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 79 
 
 frequently ask to be presented to ladies, as Ameri- 
 cans feel a litte easier when formally presented. 
 When introduced, bow slightly and enter at once 
 into conversation. 
 
 NEITHER CHILDREN NOR DOGS 
 
 are taken out when making formal calls. 
 
 CALLS IN THE COUNTRY. 
 
 may be less formal and of longer duration than 
 those made in the city. 
 
 CALLING UPON SONS AND DAUGHTERS. 
 
 When calling upon the sons and daughters of 
 the family, visitors should leave a card for the father 
 and mother. If the ladies are at home, cards 
 should be left for the gentlemen of the family. 
 
 Says the author of “Manners and Social 
 Usages:” “In Europe a young man is not allowed 
 to ask for the young ladies of the house in formal 
 parlance, nor is he allowed to leave a card on them. 
 He calls on the mother or chaperon; the young 
 lady may be sent for, but he must not inquire for 
 her first. Even if she is a young lady at the head 
 of a house, he is not allowed to call upon her with- 
 out some preliminaries; some amiable female friend 
 must manage to bring them together. 
 
 “ In America the other extreme has led to a very 
 vicious system of etiquette, by which young ladies 
 are recognized as altogether leaders of society, 
 receiving the guests and pushing their mothers 
 
8o 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 into the back-ground. It would amaze a large 
 number of ambitious young ladies to be told that it 
 was not proper that young men should call on them 
 and be received by them alone. But the solution 
 would seem to be that the mother or chaperon 
 should advance to her proper place in this country, 
 and while taking care of her daughter, appearing 
 with her in public, and receiving visits with her, still 
 permit that good-natured and well-intended inter- 
 course between young men and women which is so 
 seldom abused, and which has led to so many 
 happy marriages.” 
 
 Did mothers more generally appreciate their duty 
 in this regard, it would save their daughters many 
 heart-aches and prevent many unhappy marriages. 
 
 CALLS AND CARDS FOR GENTLEMEN. 
 
 “Bachelors themselves have to observe and fol- 
 low the rules of card-leaving; it is an irksome duty 
 to many and is, therefore, very often neglected. If 
 a bachelor has a number of intimate friends, the 
 consequences of his neglect of this social observance 
 trouble him but little, his friends probably know 
 where to find him, and probably cannot get on 
 without him; therefore, with them, he does not 
 stand on ceremony. But if a bachelor has his way 
 to make in society, and if he wishes to keep up the 
 acquaintances he has already made, he must be 
 punctilious in the matter of card-leaving. Bachel- 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 8l 
 
 ors, as a rule, are expected to leave cards on the 
 gentleman and lady of a house with whom they are 
 acquainted as soon as they are aware that the family 
 has arrived in town; or, if a bachelor himself has 
 been away, he should leave cards on his acquaint- 
 ances immediately after his return. Bachelors are 
 often excused for their disregard of this social cus- 
 tom, but it is considered very negligent and ill-bred.” 
 
 “The rules of etiquette, though stringent as re- 
 gards acquaintances, have little or no application 
 as regards intimate friends; friendship overrules 
 etiquette, and in a manner usurps its place. There 
 is very little ‘ceremonious’ card-leaving observed 
 between gentlemen; if any intimacy exists between 
 them, they will probably meet frequently enough in 
 society without ceremoniously calling cn each other. 
 If a gentleman should not find his friend at home 
 when calling upon him, he should leave his card as 
 a proof of his having wanted to see him.” 
 
 HOURS WHEN GENTLEMEN MAY CALL. 
 
 American gentlemen are excused from making 
 morning calls because they have no leisure for it, 
 but a gentleman can nearl}^ always find time to 
 leave a card, upon the occasions which demand it, 
 or can at least send it by a lady member of his 
 family. He may call in the evening, between half 
 past eight and nine o’clock, and etiquette permits 
 him to call on Sunday after church, or Sunday 
 evening. 
 
82 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 HOW MANY CARDS HE SHOULD LEAVE. 
 
 When a gentleman is not admitted the first time 
 he calls (the first time in the season — autumn) he 
 leaves one card for the married lady of the house, 
 one for the husband, both turned down, and one 
 folded across the middle for the remaining members 
 of the family. So says one authority; another 
 says, he must leave a card for each member of the 
 family; still another says he must leave only t wo- 
 lf there were eight or ten members of the family 
 and several guests besides, the lady must need have 
 a capacious card receiver if the second authority 
 quoted were followed. There was a time when 
 nothing less than this was good form. After the 
 first call, he leaves but one card until the year 
 comes around again. 
 
 After an invitation to any entertainment he 
 should call in person and leave cards on the host 
 and hostess. 
 
 A gentleman, when calling, observes the same 
 rule as ladies in reference to ascertaining if the 
 ladies are receiving — he sends in but one card no 
 matter how many members of the family he wishes 
 to see. If he wishes to see a guest stopping at the 
 house, the one card answers. If the lady is not at 
 home, one card is left for her and one for the guest; 
 and if it is the first call of the season a third card 
 folded in the middle is left for the other members 
 of the family. Here is another point upon which 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 83 
 
 authorities disagree, the folding of the card by a 
 gentleman, some asserting that the only case in 
 which a card may be turned down, is when a lady 
 wishes it distinctly understood that she has called 
 in person. 
 
 Bachelors leave cards upon the master and mis- 
 tress of the house. 
 
 NEW ACQUAINTANCES— MARRIED LADIES. 
 
 A gentleman never makes a first call upon a lady 
 without an invitation from the lady to do so, or 
 unless he is taken by a lady who is sufficiently in- 
 timate to invite him to call, or unless he brings a 
 letter of introduction. In asking a gentleman to 
 call, a lady says: “We receive on Tuesdays, Mr. 
 
 Smith.” A gentleman should call within a week 
 after an invitation, or, at least, upon her next re- 
 ceiving day.. Not to do so is considered a rudeness. 
 
 When he calls upon the lady he will also leave a 
 card for her husband, whether he has made his ac- 
 quaintance or not. In Washington if a gentleman 
 desires the acquaintance of a married lady, to 
 whom he has been presented, he may leave a card 
 at her door and receive recognition — the lady send- 
 ing him her caj’d with her reception day engraved 
 upon it — but in other cities he cannot do this. 
 
 NEW ACQUAINTANCES— UNMARRIED LADIES. 
 
 If the lady whose acquaintance he seeks is un- 
 married he must ask permission of her mother or 
 
84 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 chaperon to call. At first he may call only on 
 formal reception days. If the mother finds him to 
 be a desirable acquaintance, she invites him to 
 dinner. After that he may express his appreciation 
 of courtesies extended him in such delicate manner 
 as inviting the ladies to a concert or the theatre or 
 by sending a bouquet. 
 
 If he is introduced by letter, the letter is ad- 
 dressed to the mother or chaperon. He presents 
 the note in person and it is optional with the 
 mother, whether she will introduce him to the 
 young lady, although for the sake of the introducer 
 she must make him welcome. 
 
 If the lady is not at home when he calls with 
 his note of introduction, he does not leave it, but 
 calls again. 
 
 LADIES SPEAK FIRST. 
 
 When a gentleman asks for an introduction to a 
 married lady, he must not upon a subsequent meet- 
 ing speak to her, until she has signified her desire 
 to continue the acquaintance by a bow of recogni- 
 tion. As has been stated, she may invite him to 
 call upon her regular reception day, but an un- 
 married lady can not do this. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS RULES. 
 
 A gentleman of leisure will call at the con- 
 ventional time for making morning calls, between 
 two and five, but a business man will call between 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 85 
 
 half past eight and nine o’ clock in the evening and 
 never prolong his call beyond ten o’clock. 
 
 A gentleman should always promptly accept or 
 decline an invitation to anything. All invitations 
 except an ordinary afternoon “at home” or kaffee 
 klatch, must be acknowledged. If it is a first^in- 
 vitation, he must send an immediate answer, leave 
 his card the next day and then call after the 
 entertainment. 
 
 A gentleman should not call on a young lady 
 without asking for her mother, nor should he leave 
 cards for her alone, but always leave one for the 
 mother. 
 
 “A gentleman calling upon ladies, if he is well 
 acquainted with them does not send up his card ; 
 the servant announces his name. If he is little 
 acquainted with them he does send up his card.” 
 
 “If he wishes particularly to call on one mem- 
 ber, he says so to the servant, as, ‘Take my card 
 up to Miss Jones,’ and he adds, ‘I should like to 
 see all the ladies if they are at home.’ ” 
 
 “When a young lady has been in society several 
 years and is still unmarried, she may receive gentle- 
 man visitors alone, and it is neither an informality 
 nor an indelicacy. ’ ’ 
 
 Gentlemen should take time to call on those who 
 entertain them, showing by a little personal atten- 
 tion, their appreciation of the courtesies shown 
 them. 
 
86 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 “ Members of societies or clubs, who meet weekly 
 at each others’ houses for social purposes, do 
 not leave cards after these entertainments. Those 
 friends or acquaintances who are not members, but 
 are invited by the gentlemen entertaining, hand in 
 or send their cards afterwards, in acknowledgment 
 of the courtesy extended to them.” 
 
 A note introducing one gentleman to another is 
 always accompanied by the card of the introducing 
 gentleman. Between gentlemen etiquette permits 
 the note to be sent by post. The formality of an 
 introduction by letter is given in the chapter on 
 “Introductions.” 
 
 A gentlemen leaves a card of condolence for a 
 bereaved friend. 
 
 When making a formal call, a gentleman asks to 
 see all the ladies of the family. If he is calling 
 upon a young lady guest, he must ask to see her 
 hostess, even if he does not know her, and must 
 also send her his card. 
 
 A lady never leaves cards upon a gentleman, and 
 never calls upon a gentleman, except officially or 
 professionally. 
 
 ‘ ‘ Gentlemen should not expect to receive invita- 
 tions from ladies with whom they are only on terms 
 of formal visiting, until the yearly or autumnal call 
 has been made, or at least their cards have been 
 sent.” 
 
 A general invitation from a lady means nothing. 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 87 
 
 Gentlemen leave their overcoats, overshoes and 
 umbrellas in the hall, but take their hats and canes 
 into the parlor; provided, however, a gentleman is 
 a frequent visitor at a house, he may leave his hat 
 and cane in the haJL The hat and cane should be 
 kept in the hand, unless it becomes necessary from 
 any cause to set them down, in which case put 
 them on the floor beside you. 
 
 In calling, gentlemen wear their usual morning 
 dress, a black frock coat, dark trousers, silk neck- 
 tie and a neutral shade of gloves. However, in 
 warm weather, light colored trousers and white 
 vest are often worn. 
 
 A gentleman on receiving a friend meets him at 
 the door and places a chair for him. On receiving 
 a lady he shows the same courtesies to her, and 
 when she departs he accompanies her to the door 
 of her carriage. 
 
 A gentleman must never look at his watch unless 
 he has an engagement and asks to be excused. He 
 should rise upon the entrance of ladies, but he need 
 not offer seats to them unless in his own house, or 
 unless the hostess request him to do so; he does not 
 offer his own chair unless there are no others. 
 
 A gentleman rises when the ladies with whom he 
 is talking rise to take their leave. He also rises 
 when ladies enter the room. 
 
 Gentlemen make formal calls twice a year, but 
 
88 
 
 VISITINCx AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 only once is absolutely necessary when no invita- 
 tions have been received that require a return. 
 
 After a private wedding, a gentleman sometimes 
 sends his bachelor cards by post, to those whose 
 acquaintance he wishes to retain. The recipients 
 of these cards should call upon the bride within 
 ten days after she has entered her new home. 
 
 R. S. V. P. (repondez, s'il votes plait — answer 
 if you please) is sometimes engraved on the lower 
 right hand of cards requiring immediate acknowl- 
 edgment, although where the etiquette of cards is 
 well understood, this is not necessary, as the courte- 
 ous man or woman will acknowledge an invitation 
 without a reminder. 
 
 CALLING ON STRANGERS. 
 
 In most countries, as has elsewhere been stated, 
 the stranger makes the first call. Here, it is the 
 rule among the best people everywhere to call upon 
 the stranger. After new-comers are “ settled 
 among us, residents call upon them; send in their 
 own with their husbands’ or their fathers’ or 
 brothers’ cards, and if they find the stranger at 
 home, a brief but cordial visit is made. This is 
 returned within a week, or a note of apology sent 
 to explain the omission and the return call is made 
 later on. If a card is sent in return for a first visit, 
 or is left in person without an effort being made to 
 see the persons who have made the first visit, it is 
 
VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 89 
 
 understood that the strangers cannot or do not wish 
 to receive visitors. 
 
 “A gentleman cannot make a first call upon the 
 ladies of the family of a new-comer, without an 
 introduction or an invitation, even though he be a 
 married neighbor. His lady friend, or his kins- 
 woman, may leave his card, and afterward he may 
 receive an invitation, verbal or written, to make the 
 new acquaintance. Under such circumstances the 
 usual formality of introduction may be made by his 
 second visiting-card, which he will send in to 
 announce himself at the time of his visit, provided 
 he pays his respects to the new household unaccom- 
 panied by a common friend. 
 
 The sending of his card to the strangers was an 
 unmistakable request to make their acquaintance. 
 If his visits be undesirable, the way is opened for an 
 easy method of declining them. His card need 
 not be noticed. This refusal of friendliness is far 
 less awkward and unpleasant for both parties than 
 to ask permission verbally to become a visitor and 
 be verbally rejected. Sometimes there are unfortu- 
 nate family complications or conditions which com- 
 pel a refusal of gentlemen’s society, but which are 
 unexplainable. Painful necessities are oftenest the 
 very ones least easy of explanation. No gentleman 
 possesses a reasonable ground for offense, or for 
 feeling hurt, if he be not admitted as a visitor to 
 a family whose circumstances and conditions are 
 
90 
 
 VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS. 
 
 unfamiliar to him. It is not difficult to imagine that 
 the stranger who refuses to accept a new friend is 
 likely to suffer more than the rejected person.” 
 
 = — From New York Social Etiquette. 
 
 A stranger makes no overtures for acquaintance 
 to older residents. But two men or two women 
 may desire to know each other — they may have 
 met at the house of a common friend or have heard 
 of each other — and they may arrange to exchange 
 calls, the younger, if much younger, making the first 
 call. If their “at home” days are the same, they 
 will settle upon some other time. 
 
 “Aged gentlemen or ladies, eminent persons, and 
 clergymen, always receive the first . call. It is 
 proper to leave a card for them, even when they are 
 known to be too much engaged either to receive in 
 person or to return calls of ceremony. The card 
 signifies respectful and appreciative remembrance. 
 
 No custom is more significant of the highest and 
 noblest breeding and the gentlest culture, than that 
 of remembering the aged by all pleasant formalities. 
 Our citizens are accused by other nations of indif- 
 ference to those who are advanced in years. This 
 may be true of selfish people and of plebians, but 
 it is not true of our refined and high-toned members 
 of society. A thoughtful courtesy and a tender con- 
 sideration make the late afternoon of life beautiful 
 with respectful regard, even when a lack of familiar 
 acquaintance has withheld affectionate devotion.” 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 NEW YEAR’S CALLS. 
 
 1 
 
 HE first day of the year, when everybody “ re- 
 solves” to bury the past, animosities and bad 
 habits especially, and begin a new life, is more 
 or less celebrated by a “ universal hospitality,” al- 
 though in the larger cities, owing to the increasing 
 size and population, New Year’s calling is not so 
 much indulged in as formerly. Many families in 
 smaller cities and towns, for various reasons, also 
 close their doors on this day. 
 
 When it was the almost universal custom for 
 many, or several ladies to receive at the same 
 house, lists of those receiving were published in the 
 newspapers a day or two before the great day. Un- 
 der cover of the general good will and hospitality, 
 bores will intrude themselves, and sometimes men 
 will call who, upon any other day or under any other 
 circumstances, would not dare do so. This is one 
 of the reasons why some ladies are not “at home” 
 on the first day of the year. The fact that a lady 
 receives alone is not always a bar to rudeness. 
 
 A married lady may, under certain circumstances, 
 after a return home from a long absence, if she has 
 changed her residence, or if she is living at a hotel 
 
 (91) 
 
92 
 
 NEW year’s calls. 
 
 or boarding-house, or is visiting friends —send her 
 cards to gentlemen whom she wishes to receive, 
 stating that she will be at home on New Year’s day. 
 
 It is now more popular for each lady, assisted by 
 her daughter, if she have any, to receive at her home, 
 although the custom of several ladies receiving to- 
 gether is not obsolete by any means. 
 
 NOT AT HOME. 
 
 In large cities, if a lady does not receive, she ties 
 a basket to the door-knob to receive the cards of 
 gentlemen callers. As a rule this is not as satisfac- 
 tory as a friendly reception inside the home, especi- 
 ally to real friends to whom perhaps this one day 
 of the year affords their ohly opportunity of ex- 
 pressing kindly regards for the family. 
 
 New Year’s calling is a beautiful custom, and 
 while hearts are warm and friends are true, will 
 never wholly disappear. 
 
 A lady who is at home on this day will, of course 
 have all her arrangements completed the day be- 
 fore, that she may be ready to receive the first 
 caller. 
 
 HOURS FOR CALLING. 
 
 The hours for calling are between eleven o’clock 
 in the morning and nine in the evening. 
 
NEW year’s calls. 
 
 93 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Ladies are allowed to exercise their individual 
 tastes in the matter of dress, but for elderly ladies 
 a plain black dress with soft, rich lace at throat and 
 wrists is considered in the best taste. Young ladies 
 should be prettily but simply attired. Young mar- 
 ried ladies may wear their best ” if they cover neck 
 and arms in the day time. 
 
 But whatever costume a lady assumes she must 
 wear gloves. This rule is absolute. 
 
 REFRESHMENTS. 
 
 A lady may offer refreshments or not, as she likes, 
 and they may be simple or grand, but she should 
 have hot tea and coffee in either case. Some ladies 
 “keep a silver kettle of bouillon standing in the 
 hall, so that gentlemen coming in or going out can 
 take a cup of it unsolicited.” Sandwiches, boned 
 turkey, fruit and cake, make a simple and enjoy- 
 able luncheon; but ladies may use their own taste 
 or convenience in spreading a more elaborate feast. 
 
 CARDS. 
 
 Gentlemen should hand their cards to the ser- 
 vant who opens the door, he being provided with a 
 tray or card basket in which to receive them. 
 
 If a gentlemen calling upon any lady of the 
 group, who are receiving together, is not known to 
 the hostess, he sends his card to the one upon 
 
94 
 
 NEW year’s calls. - 
 
 whom he wishes to call, and she presents him to 
 the hostess; and if there are few or no other callers 
 present at the time, to the other ladies. 
 
 A gentleman is invited but not urged to take re- 
 freshment as he is about to take his leave. 
 
 He must wear his gloves, and he may wear his 
 overcoat and carry his hat; but there is no law 
 against his leaving the overcoat and hat in the hall. 
 If he does not leave them, he should not be asked to 
 remove his overcoat nor to be relieved of his hat. 
 
 DURATION OF A CALL. 
 
 Calls may be from five to fifteen minutes in 
 duration, and a gentleman should never be urged 
 to prolong his stay when he is ready to depart, as 
 he probably wants to make the most of the day. 
 
 THE PRESIDENT 
 
 Is “at home” at mid-day on New Year’s day, and 
 at that hour receives the diplomats in full dress^ 
 army and navy officers in full uniform, and others 
 who desire to pay their respects in fine “ visiting 
 costumes.” 
 
 The cabinet ministers, heads of departments, 
 judges and other officers, receive those below them 
 in rank. 
 
 In New York and some other cities the clergy- 
 men and highest officials hold receptions from 
 
95 
 
 NEW year’s calls. 
 
 eleven till three o’clock, in order that their male 
 friends may pay their respects to them. 
 
 The etiquette of New Year’s calling differs little 
 in the different places. It is with this as with every 
 other custom. General rules are laid down, but it 
 must always be borne in mind that there are excep- 
 tions to all rules. 
 
 A married lady may receive her gentlemen friends 
 with the assistance of other ladies or the help of 
 servants. She may even open the door herself to 
 callers, and be as self-respecting as if she were sur- 
 rounded by all the gorgeousness possible in families 
 of wealth. She knows that the friends who call are 
 sincere in their expressions of good will, and that 
 their visits are prompted by respect for herself. 
 
 Though hospitality is sometimes abused on the 
 First day of the year, let us not abandon the beau- 
 tiful custom of calling and receiving on New Year’s 
 day. 
 
 CHRISTMAS. 
 
 Christmas, too, the forerunner of the happy New 
 Year, is marked by general good feeling, expressed 
 by simple gifts between friends and an exchange of 
 cards between acquaintances. The cards should be 
 plain visiting cards, with perhaps a short sentiment 
 or motto printed across the top in gold or silver. 
 Little books in parchment, or vellum, have taken 
 
96 
 
 NEW year’s calls. 
 
 the place of the Christmas cards so fashionable a 
 few years ago. 
 
 Happy the man who from out his own abundance 
 can and does remember the poor. The poor are 
 not alone those who lack material comforts, but 
 every man and every woman of a sympathetic na- 
 ture knows where to find those afflicted with the 
 poverty of friends and happiness. 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND 
 REGRETS. 
 
 |N noway is one’s culture sooner made 
 known than by his manner of writing a 
 note or a letter.’ ’ 
 
 Formal notes of invitation are written or en- 
 graved in the third person. So also are accept- 
 ances and regrets. It seems unnecessary to say 
 that the name should never be signed to a note 
 written in the third person, yet we are told that 
 where the usages of good society are not under- 
 stood, this has been done. 
 
 SOLECISMS AND BARBARISMS. 
 
 Among the curiosities in acceptances and regrets 
 which have been received by kind hostesses, we 
 give the following examples : 
 
 “Mr. Jones accepts with pleasure your polite 
 invitation, etc.” 
 
 “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Craig: 
 
 Your inv|||Ltion at hand. Thanks. Will come 
 if I can. G. B. Crowley.” 
 
 (97) 
 
98 
 
 INVITATIONS, ETC. 
 
 “Miss James regrets very much her inability to 
 accept Mr. Palmer’ s polite invitation for Thursday, 
 June 1 8 . A previous engagement detains me.” 
 
 In writing an acceptance, never say, “I will 
 avail myself of the pleasure,” or “I will accept,” 
 or “I will have the pleasure of accepting,” but 
 “Mr. Jones accepts, etc.” If accepting a dinner 
 invitation, say “for dinner,” not “to dinner,” or 
 if the note is informal and written in the first per- 
 son, asking you “to dine,” you can say “to dine” 
 in your answer. 
 
 It is a good rule to answer an invitation in the 
 precise formula observed bysthe writer. If the in- 
 vitation is to dinner, care should be taken to repeat 
 the hour, in order that if a mistake has been made, 
 it can be corrected. 
 
 OBSOLETE WORDS. 
 
 A few years ago it was correct to say “your 
 polite invitation.” “Polite” has been dropped 
 and “kind” is now the word instead. “Presents 
 compliments” is also obsolete. 
 
 FIRST INVITATIONS. 
 
 Always accept a first invitation, if at all possible. 
 You thus show your appreciation of the hospitality 
 extended to you. Write your acceptance immedi- 
 ately upon receiving the invitation, or if impossible 
 to accept, send regrets explaining why you cannot 
 do so. 
 
INVITATIONS, ETC. 
 
 99 
 
 A first invitation which has not been accepted, 
 should not, as a rule, be repeated until a courtesy 
 of some kind has been shown in return. If no call 
 is made after a declination of a first invitation, it 
 is understood that the acquaintance is not desired. 
 
 SHOULD INVITATIONS BE ANSWERED.^ 
 
 All invitations to dinner, to an opera or theatre 
 party, to a wedding breakfast, to luncheon or to a 
 ball, should be answered at once, accepting or 
 declining, in order that the hostess may make her 
 arrangements accordingly. If you accept and any 
 after occurrence prevents your going, write an ex- 
 planatory note of regret to the hostess at the 
 earliest possible moment, especially if the invita- 
 tion be to a dinner party. Don’t think that you 
 are of so little importance that your absence will 
 make no difference to any one. Humility is an. 
 admirable quality, but it should go hand in hand 
 with courtesy. 
 
 When a lady writes an invitation upon a visit- 
 ing card it is not to be answered unless she adds 
 R. s. V. p. ( Repondez si' I votes plait : answer if 
 you please), in the lower right corner. (The 
 English are discarding or have discarded the R. s. 
 V. p. and have substituted for it, “ The favor of an 
 anszver is requested." 
 
 Some authorities, especially the French, say 
 every invitation should be acknowledged, as they 
 
lOO 
 
 INVITATIONS, ETC. 
 
 claim that it is as impolite not to reply promptly to 
 a note, as it is not to answer to a question asked 
 in speaking. Others except such invitations as are 
 written upon a lady’s visiting card. 
 
 It would simplify matters for those unaccustomed 
 to the formalities of social affairs, if a rule were 
 adopted and everywhere enforced, to reply promptly 
 to every invitation, unless we except large recep- 
 tions. This would do away entirely with the 
 declining R. s. v. p. Those who understand the 
 usages of good society, sometimes wince at being 
 reminded that they must reply. On the other hand 
 there are those who never answer unless the card 
 contains the request to do so, the R. s. v. p. 
 
 REGRETS. 
 
 In writing a regret it is well to state the cause of 
 your inability to accept, or at least to manifest 
 enough interest in the attention shown you, to 
 make your note courteously kind. 
 
 SONS AND DAUGHTERS SHOULD HAVE SEPARATE 
 CARDS. 
 
 One card or note of invitation is sent to a hus- 
 band an(i wife, but other members of the family if 
 invited should have separate cards. Instead of ad- 
 dressing a note to “Mrs. Potter and family,” the 
 individuality of the son or daughter invited should 
 be respected. However, there are sometimes good 
 reasons for sending but one card to a family, such 
 
INVITATIONS, ETC. lOI 
 
 as a scarcity of cards or lack of time. A hostess 
 should provide against either contingency. 
 
 TO WHOM SHALL THE ANSWER BE ADDRESSED.^ 
 
 The answer to an invitation should be addressed 
 to the lady or other person or persons who issue 
 the invitation. If issued in the name of Mr. and 
 Mrs. Smith, the answer goes to Mr. and Mrs. 
 Smith. If Mrs. Smith alone invites you, reply to 
 her. 
 
 WHO SEND INVITATIONS.^ 
 
 Invitations to a wedding, a dinner or a party are 
 sent out in the name of both host and hostess. 
 Those to “At Home” matinees, balls, Germans, 
 breakfasts, luncheons, etc. , are in the name of the 
 hostess only. 
 
 If a gentleman is a widower, he sometimes sends 
 out invitations in his own name, but more fre- 
 quently the name of his eldest daughter — who pre- 
 sides over his household — appears on the card with 
 his own. If she is to be married, he invites to her 
 wedding. 
 
 An unmarried, “elderly young lady” may issue 
 cards to a tea in her own name. 
 
 FORMAL INVITATIONS, 
 
 should be sent out from ten to twenty days be- 
 fore the entertainment is to be given, according to 
 the formality and importance of the occasion. In- 
 
102 
 
 INVITATIONS, ETC. 
 
 formal invitations are sometimes sent only two or 
 three days before. They may be written upon a 
 lady’s visiting cards. 
 
 Gentlemen should not be invited without their 
 wives, where ladies are invited; nor should ladies 
 be invited without their husbands where gentlemen 
 are expected. 
 
 INVITATION TO FRIENDS IN MOURNING. 
 
 Invitations to weddings and receptions are sent 
 to friends in mourning — after the first month — but 
 are of course declined except only to witness the 
 marriage ceremony at the church, of near and dear 
 friends. All of these cards or notes are preserved 
 until such time as the family desire to re-enter so- 
 ciety, when they serve as a guide in making a list 
 of those to whom cards must be sent. Usually at 
 the end of a year, the family send out cards bor- 
 dered with black, to all who have remembered them. 
 
 BEFORE ISSUING INVITATION 
 
 cards to a dinner, an elaborate reception, a ball or 
 a party — before any very formal entertainment — a 
 lady pays a visit, or a call by card, to all acquaint- 
 ances to whom she is indebted for social civilities. 
 In some places the visiting card is enclosed with 
 the note of invitation, instead of being left in 
 person. 
 
INVITATIONS, ETC. IO3 
 
 AFTER CALLS. 
 
 Next in importance to promptness in answering 
 an invitation, is punctuality in making the after call. 
 A personal visit must be made after an invitation 
 to dinner, whether the invitation be accepted or 
 not. One should ask if the lady is at home; if she 
 is not at home, cards must be left. To be invited to 
 dinner is considered the greatest possible social 
 compliment. 
 
 After other entertainments cards are left or sent 
 by those who have been invited. 
 
 It is not necessary to make an after-call, after 
 having accepted an invitation to a lady’s opera box, 
 or to a theatre party where there has been no en- 
 tertainment preceding or after it, unless it is a first 
 invitation. You can thank the lady for the atten- 
 tion shown you, when taking leave of her in her 
 box, or when escorting her to her carriage. 
 
 A CARD EQUIVALENT TO A VISIT. 
 
 Everywhere, a card sent by a private hand in an 
 envelope, is equivalent to a visit. In England one 
 sent by post is equivalent to a visit, except after a 
 dinner. 
 
 INVITATIONS MAV BE WRITTEN OR ENGRAVED. 
 
 If an invitation is written it should be neatly 
 done. No abbreviations of names should be made, 
 
104 
 
 INVITATIONS, ETC. 
 
 but the full name should be written upon one line 
 and the title never separated from the name, as 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. E. H. Corning 
 request the pleasure of 
 Mr. and Mrs. Drake's company at dinner, 
 December fo7irtee7ith, at seven o'clock. 
 
 1 56 Clifton Heights. 
 
 Many persons who entertain much keep on hand 
 engraved invitations with blank spaces for the 
 names of guests and dates, which are easily filled 
 and save time and labor. 
 
 Many sensible people advocate the sending of all 
 invitations by mail. This mode ought to be 
 adopted. 
 
 In cities and large towns, stationers or engravers 
 can advise one in the matter of cards and notes, 
 but for the instruction of those remote from these 
 centers, we give a few examples; others will be 
 found in their appropriate places. 
 
 The usual form of an invitation to a dinner party 
 is as follows: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. George Harrison 
 request the honor 
 
 of Mr. a7td Mrs. Arthur's co?npany 
 at dinner 
 
 on Mofiday evening, November tenth, at eight o' clock. 
 
 46 High Street. 
 
INVITATIONS, ETC, 
 
 105 
 
 A proper form of acceptance will be as follows; 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. David Arthur 
 accept with pleasure 
 Mr. and Mrs. George Harrison' s 
 ki?id invitatio 7 i to dine ivith them 07 t Monday evenings 
 November tenth, at eight o'clock. 
 
 29 Sixth Avenue. 
 
 The following is the usual style of declination: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. David Arthur 
 regret most sincerely that serious illness 
 in the family 
 
 [or a previous engagement, or other cause] 
 makes it quite impossible for them to accept 
 Mr. and Mrs. George Harrison' s 
 kind invitation for Mo 7 iday evening, 
 November tenth. 
 
 29 Sixth Avenue. 
 
 WEDDING invitation. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Devere Thompson 
 request your presence 
 at the marriage of their daitghter, 
 Blanche, 
 
 TO 
 
 Mr. Joseph Howard, 
 
 on Wednesday morning, October fourth, /<?p2, 
 at eleven o'q^lock. 
 
 . Plymouth Church, 
 
 Chicago. 
 
 8 
 
I06 INVITATIONS, ETC. 
 
 SILVER WEDDING. 
 
 Twenty-fifth A nniversary. 
 
 Mr. AND Mrs. James B. Blanchard, 
 At Home 
 
 Monday evening, November tzvcnty- fourth, 
 i8go, 
 
 Erom eight to eleven d clock. 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 / 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 'T is the highest social compliment to be invited 
 to dinner. To be asked to break bread with 
 one at his own table is an expression of good 
 will, and no truly well-bred person will accept this 
 hospitality unless he fully reciprocates the feeling. 
 
 WHOM TO INVITE. 
 
 When a lady decides upon giving a dinner party 
 or a series of parties, the first consideration is the 
 proper classification, so to speak, of her guests. 
 She selects for each party those who she has reason 
 to believe will be agreeable to each other. Says 
 that most excellent guide, “Social Etiquette of 
 New York:” “The differences in social conditions 
 often go far toward deciding upon the groups, but 
 latterly intellectual attainments have established 
 a higher grade of position, and the combinations of 
 guests are based upon mental accomplishments, 
 instead of family connection. In either case the 
 etiquette is the same. As we have no real distinc- 
 tions of birth, and find ourselves affected by the 
 traditional customs of our ancestry, we too often hunt 
 after a lion or a lioness as a motive for a feast, 
 
 (107) 
 
Io8 DINNERS AND DIiIeRS-OUT. 
 
 » 
 
 because this person or personage will make the for- 
 malities of the occasion less difficult of settlement. 
 The hero may not be eminent to a startling degree, 
 but all the same his presence settles beyond question 
 who is to go into dinner with the host or hostess, 
 and this decision assists the timid entertainer amaz- 
 ingly. Sometimes it is the birthday of the honored 
 guest, the return of a bridal party, a re-entrance 
 into society after an illness, or following a sorrowful 
 retirement from gayety; or it may be the celebration 
 of an achievement, literary, artistic, political or 
 financial; but being a decided something by which 
 to distinguish a single individual, and to hang upon 
 him or her a reason for receiving precedence over 
 all others on this occasion of feasting, the lady is 
 escorted by the host to the table and placed at his 
 right hand; but if the honored guest be a gentleman 
 or the husband of the honored lady guest, he goes 
 into dinner with the hostess and sits upon her right 
 hand.” 
 
 NUMBER OF GUESTS. 
 
 There are formal dinners and there are informal 
 dinners; simple dinners and grand dinners; but 
 whatever the style, there are some rules of etiquette 
 applicable to all of them. One of these rules is^ 
 never invite more guests than you can entertain and 
 seat comfortably. Dinner-givers and diners-out 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. I Op 
 
 differ as to the number which makes the most enjoy- 
 able dinner-party. 
 
 There is an old saying that there should not be 
 more than the Muses (nine), nor less than the Graces 
 (three). 
 
 Brillat-Savarin, in his “Physiology of Taste,'’ 
 says: “Let not the number exceed twelve.” He, like 
 most of his countrymen and many Americans, had a 
 superstitious belief that if thirteen sat down to dinner 
 together, it would be fatal within the year to one of 
 the company. So prevalent was this belief in some 
 circles in our own country a few years ago, that 
 “Thirteen Clubs ” were formed to defy the thirteen 
 rule, and probably to counteract the superstitious 
 tendency of some diners. 
 
 It seems that the same superstition prevails in 
 England. There is at least one instance on record 
 of a professional fourteenth man at table, one 
 hired to break the fatal number, who at the age of 
 fifty-four (at which age he died) had accumulated a 
 fortune of one hundred thousand dollars by eating. 
 He was often employed to dine three or four times 
 on the same day. 
 
 From four to ten is a good number, as two 
 properly trained serv!ints can wait upon them. 
 More than ten would require additional help. A 
 butler and two men often serve twenty-four people 
 although one servant to three people is the rule. 
 
I lO 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 INVITATIONS FOR A FORMAL DINNER. 
 
 Having decided how many and whom to invite, 
 the lady issues her invitations from five to twenty 
 days in advance of the dinner, the time depending 
 upon the formality of the occasion, and somewhat 
 upon the locality where the dinner is given. In 
 villages or country places where entertainments are 
 few, a week will be ample time for even a formal 
 dinner-party. 
 
 If the entertainment is given in honor of a well- 
 known person and there is time for it, the name of 
 the honored guest should be engraved upon the card 
 of invitation. If engraved upon a separate card, 
 it will be simply: 
 
 TO MEET 
 
 Senator ani> Mrs. Gordon, 
 of San Francisco. 
 
 If especial honor is intended, cards in the follow- 
 ing form will be issued: 
 
 To 7 neet 
 
 Commodore and Mrs. Ryman, 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. James Gordon 
 I Request the honor 
 
 of^Mr. and Mrs. Joel Stevenson' s company 
 at dinner 
 
 on Thursday evening, November f;th, at eight o' clock. 
 
 56 Madison Avenue. 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 I I I 
 
 Replies should be sent as soon as the cards are 
 received and unequivocally accepted or declined. 
 If in doubt as to your ability to be present, it is 
 your duty to decline at once. If you accept, nothing 
 but sickness, death or some unforseen misfortune 
 should keep you away. Should you become the 
 victim of an uncontrolable event, an explanation 
 should be sent at once to the hostess, as your fail- 
 ure to be present will disarrange her plans and may 
 interfere with the pleasure of the entire dinner- 
 party, as, for example, if you were the fourteenth 
 expected guest and failed at the eleventh hour; in 
 this country there are no “ Fourteenth” men to be 
 hired. 
 
 An acceptance is written in the following or a 
 similar formula: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Joel Stevenson 
 accept zvith pleasure 
 Mr. and Mrs. James Gordoti s 
 kind invitation to dine zvith them on Thursday 
 evening., Nove7iiber yth, at eight o'clock. 
 
 176 Tyrol Street. 
 
 If unable to accept, write your refusal in such a 
 way as to express real regret. The following or its 
 equivalent may be used: 
 
I 12 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs., Joel Stevenson 
 
 regret most sincerely that illness in the family 
 
 makes it quite impossible for the in to accept 
 Mr. and Mrs. James Gordon's 
 kind invitation for Thursday evening, 
 November yth. 
 
 176 Tyrol Street. 
 
 In accepting a dinner invitation, the hour should 
 be repeated, so that if any errors have been made — 
 as sometimes happens in writing invitations — they 
 may be corrected. 
 
 THE DINNER HOUR. 
 
 The usual hour for dinner-parties in America, is 
 seven o’clock, though they are sometimes given as 
 early as six and as late as eight. To be prompt 
 but not too early is the only true politeness and 
 is rigidly enjoined. If too early, the hostess may 
 not be ready to welcome you. If too late there will 
 not be sufficient time for introductions and arrange- 
 ments for escorts. F'ive or ten minutes before the 
 dinner hour, is the customary time for arrival. 
 
 Fifteen minutes is the longest time required by 
 etiquette, to wait for a tardy guest. To wait longer 
 would not be courteous to the rest of the company. 
 
 DISTRIBUTION OF GUESTS. 
 
 If the party is quite small, the host will be able to 
 designate to each gentleman, the lady whom he is to 
 
DI-NNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 II3 
 
 escort to the table. If larger, a gentleman will find 
 in the hall, upon descending from the dressing room, 
 a card with his name and that of the lady assigned 
 to him, also “ right of host ” or “ left of host” writ- 
 ten upon it; and also a small buttonhole bouquet 
 which he of course appropriates. These cards may 
 be handed to guests by a servant, or they may be 
 left upon a tray from which gentlemen help them- 
 selves. 
 
 If the party is quite large, an accurately drawn 
 diagram of the table with the name of each gentle- 
 man and lady written in its place, is in each of the 
 dressing rooms and a servant calls attention to it if 
 a guest is likely to overlook it. This diagram shows 
 whom each gentleman is to have as partner at table 
 and upon which side of the host each couple is to 
 look for places, which are again indicated on the 
 table by location cards. This arrangement spares 
 the host and hostess much trouble and makes the 
 seating of a large number of people an easy matter. 
 
 Of course much pains have been taken in arrang- 
 ing and preparing the cards, to place side by side 
 such persons as will be congenial to each other. 
 Ladies are never assigned as partners to their own 
 husbands. 
 
 PRESENTATION OF GUESTS. 
 
 On entering the drawing room, the lady does not 
 take her husband’s arm but precedes him. 
 
I 14 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 If the gentleman is unacquainted with the lady 
 assigned to him, he asks the host or hostess to present 
 him, which is speedily done. 
 
 In private houses in England, introductions are 
 not considered absolutely necessary and frequently 
 the gentleman and lady seated together at table do 
 not know each others names. 
 
 SEATING GUESTS AT TABLE. 
 
 Dinner is announced by the butler who throws 
 open the doors of the dinning-room and bows to 
 the host, who offers his left arm to the lady who is 
 to receive this honor, and leads the way to the table. 
 He places her at his right hand. The other gentle- 
 men and ladies follow — precedence being given to 
 the elder and more distinguished, and the hostess 
 follows last, having asked the selected gentleman 
 if he will take her in to dinner. “ Each pair hav- 
 ing found their places, the lady at the right, the 
 gentleman arranges her chair, and both stand until 
 the hostess is seating herself, then each lady guest 
 follows her example and the gentlemen do the 
 same. This is done as quietly as possible, because 
 nothing is less elegant than a bustling manner. 
 
 The host and hostess sit opposite each other (or 
 as nearly so as the distribution of a lady and gentle- 
 man alternately will permit) at the side centers of 
 the table and not at the end, as this arrangement 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 I 15 
 
 enables them to keep an eye upon each guest, to 
 see that every one is properly served. 
 
 REMOVING THE GLOVES. 
 
 Guests remove their gloves as soon as seated at 
 the table, and unless there be dancing after dinner, 
 do not replace them again during the evening. 
 
 DUTY OF GUESTS. 
 
 Each guest accepts whatever -is served and enjoys 
 it, or seems to do so. It is the duty of every one 
 to contribute his share toward the pleasure of the 
 entertainment and no discontent should appear upon 
 the surface, however much be felt within. If one 
 accept an invitation to dine, he accepts it uncondi- 
 tionally and he must express no displeasure, by 
 word, look or act. 
 
 If wine is offered and he does not use it, he 
 should allow a little to be poured into the different 
 glasses, but he need not drink it. If toasts be drank, 
 he should lift his glass with the rest. 
 
 The entire entertainment should be accepted 
 without comment. 
 
 DINNER A LA RUSSE. 
 
 All formal dinners are now served a la Russe ; 
 that is, everything is handed by the servants. Noth- 
 ing is seen on the table except the wines, the fruit 
 and the bonbons. ^ 
 
 Most fashionable dinners are served by hired 
 
Il6 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 caterers, as few families have the requisite number 
 of servants to meet the demands of a large dinner- 
 party. 
 
 BUTLER AND FOOTMEN. 
 
 The butler with his corps of trained footmen, or 
 the caterer with his trained waiters, as the case 
 may be, will of course see that everything is in 
 complete readiness before he announces the dinner. 
 The footmen wear light slippers or thin soled shoes, 
 to avoid unnecessary noise; and either wear gloves, 
 or wrap one corner of a napkin around the thumb, 
 that the plates may not be touched with the naked 
 hand. 
 
 NAPKIN AND GLOVES. 
 
 At each place will be a plate upon which is the 
 napkin, folded square and holding a dinner-roll. 
 As soon as the gloves are removed, place your nap- 
 kin partly unfolded across your lap, your gloves 
 under it, and your roll at the left side of your plate. 
 You will find also at your place a goblet for water 
 and several glasses for wine, two knives, three forks 
 and a soup-spoon — no other table spoons are placed 
 upon the table as they are not needed, everything 
 being served from a side .table. 
 
 DINNER COURSES. 
 
 The servant first brings raw oysters, if they are 
 not already upon your plate, served on an oyster 
 plate, which are eaten with the small fork at your 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. I 17 
 
 right hand. Red and black pepper are offered upon 
 a tray. 
 
 After the oysters are eaten, the plates are re- 
 moved and one or two kinds of soup are passed by 
 the waiters — a half ladleful to the plate is sufficient. 
 
 In passing dishes, one servant commences upon 
 the right of the master and another upon the right 
 of the mistress. Dishes are handed to the guest 
 upon the left hand. The butler pours the wine at 
 the right hand. This he should do neatly and 
 briskly, turning the bottle so that no drop trickles 
 down upon ladies’ dresses. He should wrap a 
 napkin around champagne bottles. He should 
 avoid giving champagne to those who do not wish 
 it, and should never overfill a glass, especially for 
 ladies, who rarely drink anything. Different kinds 
 of wine are served with the different courses. 
 
 After soup comes fish. After each course, the 
 butler rings a bell which connects with the kitchen, 
 and the cook sends up another. 
 
 After the fish is removed, the meats are served 
 on hot dinner-plates; hot plates are used for every, 
 thing of this kind, except pate de foie gras, which 
 requires a cold plate. 
 
 After the heavy meats comes Roman punch; 
 then the game; then salad and cheese; next the 
 ices and sweets; then cheese savourie or toasted 
 cheese. 
 
 When the ices are removed, a glass dessert-plate 
 
Il8 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 with a finger-bowl, is placed before each person, 
 with two glasses, one for sherry and one for claret, 
 and the fruits are then passed. The finger-bowl 
 should be removed from the plate and placed upon 
 the tVoylcy at the left, and the fingers should be 
 wiped, upon the dinner napkin and not upon the 
 d'oyley. 
 
 After the fruits, the bonbons are passed. 
 
 AFTER DINNER. 
 
 When dinner is over, the hostess bows to the 
 lady at the right of the host, rises, and all the com- 
 pany rise. The gentleman who took the hostess to 
 dinner, goes with her to the door, stands there until 
 all the ladies have passed out, when he returns to 
 the table. The host changes his seat, placing him- 
 self at the left of the special guest, and the rest 
 group themselves about them, and the wines and 
 liquors, and if there is no smoking-room, the cigars 
 are placed by the host and the servants leave the 
 room. 
 
 We think this separation of guests, as well as the 
 smoking and so much wine-drinking, are not good 
 customs, but ^‘good society” does it, and it is our 
 duty to report society correctly; however, many of 
 the best people prefer the French custom of the 
 gentlemen retiring from the table with the ladies. 
 
 Coffee is sometimes served after dessert, and 
 sometimes brought with the tea, into the drawing- 
 
DINNERS AND DINEKS-OUT. II9 
 
 room, half an hour or less after the gentlemen re- 
 turn. Sometimes it is served to the ladies in the 
 drawing-room, while the gentlemen are discussing 
 their wines and cigars in the dining-room. When 
 served after the return of the gentlemen to the 
 drawing-room, it is placed upon a table with the 
 urn and the hostess or her daughter pours it and the 
 gentlemen hand it to the seated guests. A servant 
 follows with sugar and cream and a small carafe of 
 brandy, also wafers and tiny sandwiches. 
 
 After the tea-drinking any guest may, if he have 
 engagements, take his leave. If an early departure 
 is necessary, the guest makes it known to the host- 
 ess before dinner and there is no leave-taking. 
 
 All guests are expected to leave before eleven 
 o’clock. 
 
 Cards, dancing, music, conversation are indulged 
 in after dinner. 
 
 FLORAL DECORATIONS AND FAVORS. 
 
 Floral decorations are as profuse and favors as ex- 
 pensive and as pretty as the financial circumstances 
 and the refined taste of the host and hostess permit 
 or suggest. 
 
 FULL DRESS. 
 
 Gentlemen and ladies go to a dinner-party in full 
 dress, the gentlemen in the regulation “swallow-tail 
 and white choker,” the ladies in whatever is con- 
 
120 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 sidered full toilette for that season. Gentlemen 
 wear pearl-colored kid gloves. 
 
 It is again fashionable for middle-aged ladies to 
 wear feathers in the hair. 
 
 BOUQUETS. 
 
 Large and inconvenient bouquets are carried by 
 ladies. Gentlemen of course content them- 
 selves with the boutonniet'e. 
 
 AFTER CALLS. 
 
 As has been elsewhere stated, strict etiquette 
 requires that a lady who is about to give a dinner- 
 party, must call upon all her proposed guests to 
 whom she is indebted for social civilities. So, also, 
 must each person invited, whether the invitation be 
 accepted or declined, pay a visit to the hostess 
 within ten days, unless illness or sorrow prevent. 
 If the lady have a day, the call should be made 
 upon that day if possible, if not, cards must be left 
 in person with the usual indication of a personal 
 call — the end folded over. 
 
 Gentlemen who have no female relatives to carry 
 their cards for them, may send them by post.- 
 
 SOME GENERAL RULES REGARDING DINNERS. 
 
 We have given the principal formalities for a 
 formal dinner-party; a dinner may be elaborate or 
 the arrangements may be simple and plain, but 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 I'2 I 
 
 there are some general rules that must be observed 
 at all dinners, including the private family dinner. 
 
 Of course the degree of formality used at this 
 meal depends upon circumstances — as, the financial 
 standing of the master of the house, the number of 
 servants employed, etc. 
 
 An extravagant outlay of money or extensive prep- 
 arations are not necessary to an enjoyable dinner. 
 It is the friendly feeling, the true hospitality that 
 gives most pleasure. Indeed, the happiness of a 
 guest is often marred as he sits down to an extrava- 
 gant dinner, by the thought that he is accepting a 
 courtesy which he cannot return upon the same 
 scale of grandeur, and while sincere hospitality ex- 
 pects no return, true refinement demands of itself 
 some acknowledgment of proffered civilities. Char- 
 itably inclined persons too, while enjoying or ad- 
 miring the beauty of silver and flowers, reflect with 
 pain upon the starving poor who might be fed from 
 the over-abundance before them, and the dinner- 
 party still be a success. 
 
 Refinement and simplicity are not incompatible 
 in the appointments of the dinner-table. If the 
 table-cloth and napkins are spotlessly white; the 
 china and glass, clear and shining; the flowers ar- 
 ranged in good taste; the food properly prepared 
 and deftly served, and the host and hostess ac- 
 quainted with the usages of refined society, guests 
 9 
 
122 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 have only themselves to blame if they do not enjoy 
 a simple dinner. 
 
 The temperature of the dining-room, according 
 to a good authority, should be from sixty to sixty- 
 eight degrees Fahrenheit. The coffee and tea hot; 
 and the wines, if used, cold. 
 
 There should be cheerful and pleasant conversa- 
 tion. Good listeners as well as good talkers are 
 necessary to the success of a dinner-party. By this 
 is not meant that you should listen all the time, but 
 that you should pay respectful attention when 
 others speak, and not only pay attention but under- 
 stand and be able to give an intelligent reply if 
 necessary. 
 
 Next in annoyance to an inattentive listener, is • 
 one who monopolizes the conversation, but the 
 “nuisance,” at a dinner-table, is *the man who 
 greedily devours his food and will not talk at all. 
 
 A celebrated lady lecturer was once invited to 
 meet one of our most noted statesmen, at a dinner- 
 party. As she was desirous of making his ac- 
 quaintance, the hostess, contrary to established 
 
 usage, requested the senator to escort Mrs. , 
 
 the lecturer, to dinner. As he was past middle age, 
 she forgave him when he tucked his napkin under 
 his chin. She addressed a polite question to him, 
 which he answered in a monosyllable as he gulped 
 down a raw oyster. Her admiration received a shock. 
 She tried again, and he “guzzled” his soup and re- 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 123 
 
 plied, “don’t know, madam.” He would not talk, 
 but he would use his napkin when he ought to 
 have used his ’kerchief. He bolted his food and 
 hurried down his wine, in short, he devoured in- 
 stead of eating his dinner. That feast was a fu- 
 neral for Mrs. . She buried the dead hero 
 
 at her side in the several courses, and he preached 
 his own funeral oration, (he was a great orator), in 
 these words : “ Dinners, madam, were made to 
 
 eat and not to be spoiled by talk. National ques- 
 tions are discussed in the United States Senate, and 
 society affairs are not worth talking about.” 
 
 So completely disenchanted was the lady that 
 she could not again quote the statesman in her 
 lectures as she had frequently done before the din- 
 ner-party acquaintance. 
 
 THE HOST AND HOSTESS 
 
 will, if they possess the tact of the successful en- 
 tertainer, see that the conversation is general, and 
 that it does not lag; in order to do this the com- 
 pany must not be too large. 
 
 Do not have too many courses. 
 
 Do not serve too great a variety of wines. The 
 host uses his privilege as to the kinds and the order 
 of serving, however. Sherry is everywhere served 
 with soup, and Sauterne or Hock with fish. Cham- 
 pagne, or red wine, if preferred, is served after fish 
 with all the courses. Sherry and Champagne are 
 
124 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 all that are necessary if you must have wine. You 
 can give an enjoyable dinner without wine. 
 
 Have a salt-cellar within reach of every guest. 
 
 Never reprove your servants in the presence of 
 guests. It would annoy the guests and mortify the 
 servants, making them awkward and possibly caus- 
 ing them to do worse than before. If your best china 
 goes crashing to the floor, you must smile though 
 your heart is breaking with grief. 
 
 Avoid everything that is unpleasant at table or 
 while your guests remain in your house. Remem- 
 ber you requested them to come, that you might 
 give them pleasure, m t pain. 
 
 If you cannot control your feelings under any and 
 all circumstances, don’t invite your friends to a din- 
 ner-party; that is, don’t give a dinner-party. 
 
 Never keep your guests at table longer than two 
 hours. Less time is better. 
 
 Let your dining-room be well ventilated and well 
 lighted. The decorations, of course, will be accord- 
 ing to your taste and your means. 
 
 It seems almost an impertinence to give these 
 rules here, yet it is meant only in kindness to such 
 as need them; and those who do not need them 
 will understand that they are not included in the 
 readers thus addressed. 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 125 
 
 TO THE GUEST 
 
 I would say that the severest test of a man’s good 
 breeding is his manners at table. “There are a 
 thousand little points to be observed, which, al- 
 though not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp 
 the refined and well-bred man. A man may pass 
 muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself 
 tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly 
 an fait dinner will betray him.” 
 
 Avoid unpleasant peculiarities or coarseness of 
 manners; they are especially offensive at table. 
 
 Never handle the glass or silver near you unnec- 
 essarily. 
 
 Avoid greediness no matter how hungry you are. 
 
 Do not take more than one plate of soup. 
 
 Never tilt your soup plate for the last spoonful. 
 
 Never betray your indecision of character by tak- 
 ing up one piece and laying it down for another. 
 
 Keep the mouth closed in eating. Let your eat- 
 ing and drinking be noiseless. 
 
 Never drink a glassful at once, nor drain the last 
 drop. 
 
 Do not pla.y with food, making bread-pills or 
 pyramids. 
 
 Wipe the mouth with the napkin, both before 
 and after drinking. 
 
 Don’t fold the napkin after dinner is over; lay it 
 loosely upon the table. 
 
126 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 If you break anything do not apologize for it 
 while you are at the table; let your manner show 
 your regret. 
 
 It is strict etiquette to take the last piece on the 
 dish if it is offered you and you want it. 
 
 If you find yourself side by side with one with 
 whom you are not acquainted, enter at once into 
 conversation without an introduction. 
 
 Do not bite your bread, nor cut it, but break it 
 before buttering it to eat. 
 
 Soup should be taken from the side of the spoon. 
 Make no noise in drawing it up or swallowing it, 
 and never blow into it to cool it. 
 
 A glass should be held by the stem, not by the 
 bowl. 
 
 Never apologize to a servant for the trouble you 
 give him. It is his business to serve you. 
 
 If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait 
 until you can catch his eye, then ask in a low tone 
 for what you want. 
 
 KNIFE AND FORK. 
 
 A knife should never be used at table excepting 
 where the food cannot be cut with the fork. It 
 should never be used in conveying food to the 
 mouth. A fish knife is used to assist in removing 
 the bones from fish; a fruit knife in peeling fruit. 
 
 A fork is used with the tines curving upward. A 
 
DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 127 
 
 French authority says: “Neyer lay a fork on its 
 
 back." 
 
 Never overload the fork. Use it with the right 
 hand. “ In England it is considered bad breeding 
 to transfer the fork to the right hand." 
 
 Cheese is eaten with the fork; so is asparagus. 
 
 Vegetables are eaten with a fork. 
 
 Fish and some kinds of fruit are eaten with sil- 
 ver knives and forks. If fish knives are not pro- 
 vided, and you cannot manage with a fork alone, 
 especially if the fish is very bony, you may help 
 yourself with a small piece of bread, held in the 
 left hand. 
 
 Pineapples are eaten with knife and fork; so also 
 is salad if not cut up before it is brought to the 
 table. 
 
 The fork is sufficient for croquettes and that class 
 of made dishes, but for roast beef, cutlets, sweet- 
 breads, etc., the knife also is necessary. 
 
 THE SPOON 
 
 is used for soup of course; for all stewed fruits and 
 preserves, for strawberries and cream, for peaches 
 and cream, melons, Roman punch, everything too 
 juicy too eat with a fork. 
 
 FINGERS. 
 
 Olives and artichokes are eaten with the fingers; 
 so also are Saratoga potatoes. 
 
128 
 
 DINNERS AND DINERS-OUT. 
 
 Grapes are eaten from the hand, the stones and 
 skins falling into the hand and then deposited upon 
 the plate. Cherries when not “sugared” are eaten 
 the same way. 
 
 Strawberries are sometimes served with the 
 stems; when so served they are taken up with the 
 fingers, one by one, dipped in sifted sugar and 
 eaten. 
 
 Pears and apples should be peeled with a silver 
 knife, cut into quarters and then taken up with the 
 fingers. 
 
 Oranges may be peeled and cut or separated as 
 one’s taste dictates. Or the top or end may be 
 cutoff and the orange eaten with a spoon; when 
 so eaten it should be held in the left hand with the 
 napkin. They are sometimes cut in halves and 
 eaten with a spoon. Southerners always eat oranges 
 with a spoon. At some’ tables the dinner napkins 
 are replaced, before the dessert, by fruit napkins. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 MONO the most trustworthy tests of good 
 home training is that of table manners. As 
 ' has been said elsewhere, there are a thousand 
 little points to be observed which distinctly stamp 
 the refined and well-bred man or woman, and no one 
 can hope to acquire them, who does not daily, in 
 the privacy of the family circle, practice them as 
 he would wish to do in company. 
 
 In no place does a mother show her own breeding 
 and influence,, or the lack of them, as at table. 
 She should understand the chemistry of foods and 
 the hygiene of “correct feeding;” and also that a 
 regard to the kind of food is not more necessary to 
 its enjoyment and use than the manner of eating it. 
 She should teach her family that eating is a fine 
 art; and she ought to know that to acquire a 
 taste for it and proficiency in its execution, require 
 continual practice and a constant model before them, 
 until, like any other art, it becomes a habit, a second 
 nature. 
 
 Says the author of the “ Bazaar Book of Deco- 
 rum:” “The physiologists tell us, that the human 
 system requires for its proper nutrition a variety of 
 
 (129) 
 
130 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 food. There must be a due proportion of oily, 
 albuminous and saccharine matter to render the 
 diet of man wholesome. Neither bread, meat, nor 
 sugar, however necessary as a part of the whole, 
 is sufficient alone to sustain the health and vigor of 
 man. There must be a proper quantity of each in 
 every daily meal. The experience of good livers, 
 with their regular succession of courses of soup, 
 fish, meat, vegetables and dessert, has long since 
 settled this matter of variety of food to their own 
 satisfaction, and in accordance with the teachings 
 of science. Our country friends are apt to scorn 
 all lessons from such a quarter, but we assure them 
 that in regard to their manner of eating they may 
 follow the example of the fashionable with advant- 
 age. We know of nothing more dangerous to health 
 than the higgledy-piggledy tables of our country 
 cousins, where flesh, fowl, fish and all the produc- 
 tions of the earth are mingled together in a confu- 
 sion that perplexes the taste, and prevents all dis- 
 crimination of choice. To eat such meals requires 
 the voracity which rustic labor can alone give, and 
 to digest them demands such a stomach as nature 
 refuses to man, but grants, it is said to the ostrich. 
 
 “ It is always well to begin the dinner as every 
 Frenchman does — with soup. This quiets the 
 excessive craving of the stomach, but does not com- 
 pletely satisfy the hunger; and by thus subduing its 
 voracity, prevents it from inordinate indulgence in 
 
AT TABLE. 
 
 131 
 
 food that is less easy of digestion. So also is there 
 a good reason why the sweets should be eaten at 
 the close of the dinner. All saccharine foodjhas 
 the effect of quickly satiating, and, if taken at the 
 commencement of a meal, would satisfy the appetite 
 so completely as to indispose it for the other more 
 substantial articles of diet necessary to the proper 
 nourishment of the body.” 
 
 The above paragraph explains the invariable rule, 
 “ Never take more than one plate of soup.” And 
 so all rules of etiquette, whether explained or not, 
 have some good reason for being; and when any 
 rule goes out of fashion, it is because something 
 better has been discovered to take its place. 
 
 In compiling a code of manners for the table, in 
 order to make it complete, it is necessary to say 
 many things for which one feels like apologizing 
 and yet they must be said, for there are those (and 
 a good many of them) who need to be reminded of 
 these simple rules. 
 
 Emerson says: “ I could better eat with one who 
 
 did not respect the truth or the laws, than with a 
 sloven and unpresentable person.” 
 
 So let our first rule be, always come to the table 
 in a presentable fashion, with person and toilet as 
 scrupulously clean and neat as can be, no matter 
 how plain you are,. remembering that cleanliness is 
 next to godliness. 
 
 And let the next be, never hurry through a meal, 
 
132 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 let business press as it will; it will pay you in the 
 end to eat leisurely. If you catch an occasional 
 bargain by bolting your meals, you lose the pleasure 
 of living and bring upon yourself indigestion or 
 dyspepsia, making not only yourself but your family 
 and friends miserable. 
 
 Never be late at the family table, any more than 
 you would at a dinner-party. Tardiness spoils food 
 and tempers. 
 
 Ladies should be seated first, beginning with the 
 mother, or the lady who presides at table. 
 
 Sit erect without being stiff; not too clos@ nor too 
 far away from the table, and carry the food to the 
 mouth; don’t carry the mouth to the food. 
 
 NAPKIN, KNIFE AND FORK. 
 
 The napkin should be unfolded and laid across 
 the knee, and only one corner should be lifted to 
 wipe the mouth. It should never be tucked under 
 the chin. 
 
 Where there are plenty of servants, a napkin 
 should never be used a second time, before washing; 
 it should be placed loosely upon the table to be 
 cared for after the meal. But where there is a large 
 household and but one servant, each member of the 
 family should fold his or her napkin and place it in 
 the ring to be used again unless much soded. 
 
 At a social tea or breakfast, the napkin may be 
 folded if the hostess sets the example. At a fashion- 
 
AT TABLE. 
 
 133 
 
 able meal, dinner, luncheon or any other, it is never 
 done. ♦ 
 
 The knife and fork may be placed at each side of 
 the plate by the domestic or whoever lays the table, 
 or they may be placed upon the plate as it is set 
 down hot before you; in the latter case remove them 
 at once. Should you have occasion to pass your 
 plate for a second supply of any dish, remove the 
 knife before sending it up. 
 
 Of course nobody ever holds the knife and fork 
 upright on each side of the plate while taking. 
 
 The knife should be used only in cutting food 
 which cannot be cut with the fork, and never in con- 
 veying food to the mouth. 
 
 Raise the fork laterally to the mouth with the 
 right hand. Use it with the tines curving upward 
 generally, though sometimes it is necessary to turn it 
 the other way. When used with the knife in cut- 
 ting, the tines turn downward, and the fork is of 
 course held in the left hand. 
 
 When you have finished a course the knife and 
 fork should be placed side by side upon the plate. 
 (Se’e also the chapter on Dinners and Diners-out.) 
 
 “Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or 
 coarseness of manners, is especially offensive at 
 table. People are more easily disgusted at that 
 time than any other.” Therefore be careful not to 
 annoy the person or persons next you by fidgeting 
 
f34 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 in your chair, moving your feet, playing with your 
 knife, fork, spoon or any of the table equipage. 
 
 Take your soup from the side of the spoon and not 
 from the end; do not not make a gurgling noise in 
 drawing it up, nor blow into it to cool it. Never 
 take more than pne kind of soup and never send 
 your plate back for more, nor tilt it to get the last 
 spoonful. 
 
 Keep the mouth closed while eating and make as 
 little noise as possible. Take neither too large nor 
 too small mouthfuls. 
 
 The tea-spoon or coffee-spoon should not be left 
 in the cup. Of course no gentleman ever pours his 
 tea or coffee into the saucer. 
 
 Loud conversation or uproarious laughter should 
 not be indulged in; they are characteristics of vul- 
 garity. At the same time there should be a cheer- 
 ful chatting,” good nature, a general freedom from 
 care and anxiety and a social time. 
 
 A well trained young man will avoid using his 
 handkerchief unnecessarily, or disgusting those about 
 him with trumpet-like performances with it. He 
 will suppress a cough, a sneeze if possible; if not he 
 will leave the room. It is said that a sneeze may 
 be stifled by pressing the finger firmly upon the 
 upper lip. 
 
 One should eat neither too fast nor too slow; he 
 should not lean back in his chair, nor find fault with 
 the food. 
 
AT TABLE. 
 
 ^35 
 
 He need not think it ill-mannered to take the last 
 piece on the dish when it is offered. It would be 
 more uncivil not to take it if he wanted it.’ 
 
 If a plate is handed you, keep it instead of pass- 
 ing it to a neighbor, unless requested to do so. 
 
 Where there is no servant and the table is served 
 by the master and mistress, if a dish is passed to 
 you, help yourself first and then pass it on. Other- 
 wise it is the waiter’s business to pass the dishes. 
 
 Don’t sit with elbows akimbo, but keep them 
 down, close to you side. 
 
 Break bread; do not cut it, nor bite it. 
 
 Hold a glass by the stem. 
 
 Never leave the table with your mouth full of 
 food. 
 
 If it is necessary to leave the table before the 
 meal is ended, ask to be excused, and don’t neglect 
 to do so because your mother or sister presides. 
 
 When drinking, raise the glass perpendicularly to 
 the lips, then lift it to a slight angle and drink 
 noiselessly. 
 
 Eject bits of bone quietly upon the fork, holding 
 it to the lips, then place them upon the plate; or 
 they may be removed the same as fruit-stones, by 
 the fingers, or behind the^ half open hand, as ex- 
 plained in another chapter. 
 
 A napkin should never be used for any purpose 
 for which a handkerchief was intended. 
 
 The feet should be placed squarely upon the floor 
 
136 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 in front of, and comfortably near your chair, and 
 not crossed, or curled around the legs of the chair, 
 nor stretched out under the table, to the disgust of 
 your vis-a-vis. 
 
 It is not polite to talk across the one seated next 
 to you, nor to turn you back to one person for the 
 purpose of talking to another. 
 
 The well-bred young man will not lean upon the 
 table, nor rest his elbows upon it, nor lounge in his 
 chair. He will not use a tooth pick at table unless 
 it is necessary and then he will cover his mouth 
 with the napkin while he removes any obstruction 
 that may trouble him. 
 
 The well trained young man or young woman will 
 be self-possessed and at ease under all circum- 
 stances. If a knife, fork or spoon be accidentally 
 dropped the servant will be quietly requested to 
 bring another and no further notice taken of the 
 matter. If a dish be broken or a cup of coffee 
 spilled, no profuse apologies are made, but a well- 
 bred person will ^express his real regret by a look 
 towards the hostess or the mother, that she will 
 understand and thta is all that is necessary. 
 
 The self-possessed mistress and mother never 
 reproves servants or children in the presence of 
 guests or of the family, but speaks to each sepa- 
 rately and privately. 
 
 Neither she nor the host will press food upon a 
 guest, nor insist that any dish is especially fine. 
 
AT TABLE. 13/ 
 
 They will never apologize for any disagreeable 
 occurrences, failures of the servants, etc. 
 
 Apropos of pressing food upon those at table, 
 the compiler was once a guest at a house where the 
 lady considered it etiquette to press her friends to 
 “ take a little more tea, just a small cup,” when she 
 knew that the last drop had been poured and there 
 was no more forthcoming. She was privately asked 
 by the host what she would do in case a cup were 
 sent up to her to be refilled. “ Ah, I’ll never be 
 caught there,” said she; ‘'I know my people. I 
 know when to urge them.” 
 
 It is vulgar to drink from the saucer; but if any 
 one not as well trained as yourself should do so 
 take no notice of it. A stor}^ is told of an English 
 prince, who, when a rustic poured his tea into his 
 saucer, and was laughed at by the court ladies and 
 gentlemen, poured his own tea into his saucer, thus 
 reassuring the man and rebuking his ill-mannered 
 court. 
 
 Don’t express a decided preference for any one 
 particular dish. 
 
 Don’ t gesticulate; don’t try to impress the family 
 or the company with your importance or your su- 
 perior knowledge, by using large words or parading 
 your achievements. Forget yourself and try to 
 promote the happiness of others. 
 
 It is not polite to thank your host or hostess for 
 
 10 
 
AT TABLE. 
 
 your dinner. Simply express pleasure in the enter- 
 tainment when taking leave of them. 
 
 Constant practice and attention to the details of 
 table etiquette are necessary to the attainment of 
 ease and grace of manner, but there are two things, 
 the skillful doing of which requires especial train- 
 ing. These are the eating of an orange with a 
 spoon and an egg from the shell. They are better 
 eaten thus. 
 
 An authority says: “When sweet corn is served 
 
 on the ear, the grain should be pared from it upon 
 the plate, instead of being eaten from the cob.” 
 Corn retains its flavor better in being cooked this 
 way, but it should be either cut from the cob before 
 bringing it to the table, or the eater should be pro- 
 vided with a sharp steel knife for the purpose. The 
 ordinary silver or plated knife is a failure in this in- 
 stance. 
 
 (For further instructions as to the use of the 
 knife, fork, knife and fork, spoon and fingers see 
 the chapter on Dinners and Diners-Out.) 
 
 BREAKFAST. 
 
 Breakfast is the least ceremonious of meals. 
 “Each person is left free, within certain limits, to 
 consult exclusively his own convenience. In the 
 great country houses of Europe, where a very cere- 
 monious hospitality is kept up, the breakfast is 
 deemed so far an exception to the general law of 
 
strict observance that it is served to the guests, as 
 it might be to so many travelers at an inn, at any 
 hour in the morning, in the dining-hall, or even in 
 their own rooms.” 
 
 In our own country, in establishments where the 
 corps of servants is sufficiently large to prevent the 
 disarrangement of the day’ s plans, much the same 
 freedom is allowed. Each one comes in without 
 ceremony as it pleases him. However, the younger 
 children breakfast with the nursery governess at a 
 regular hour. In smaller households, to inculcate 
 order and punctuality, and prevent the inconven- 
 ience attendant upon the straggling mode of break- 
 fasting, a fixed hour is usually insisted upon for the 
 family, though guests are allowed a wider discre- 
 tion in regard to the time of breaking their fast. 
 
 . At this first meal of the day, even in the most 
 orderly households, a certain amount of freedom is 
 allowed which would not be justifiable at any other 
 time. The master may read the morning paper, 
 and other members of the family may look over 
 their correspondence in silence if they choose. 
 
 The simplest costume is the most becoming, but 
 there should be no wrappers or hair in curl-papers 
 on the part of the lady members of the household, 
 and no dressing-gown or slippers for the gentlemen. 
 
140 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 THE BREAKFAST TABLE. 
 
 In accordance with the unceremoniousness of the 
 meal, the breakfast table should be simply but 
 prettily dressed. Snowy damask tablecloth and 
 napkins, fresh, fine and smooth; spotless glass and 
 china; a few simple flowers when obtainable and 
 always fruit in season are not luxuries but necessi- 
 ties. Napkins and finger-bowls are just as neces- 
 sary to the decency of the breakfast table as they 
 are for the dinner table. 
 
 The lady takes her place at the side of the table 
 and may make the tea and coffee there or it may 
 be made in the kitchen. The tea and coffee urns 
 stand upon or beside the tray which she has before 
 her, or she may have a low stand at her left for 
 these unseemly vessels. Of course a spirit lamp is 
 a necessary adjunct to this part of the equipage. 
 We are told that the “slop-bowl” is no longer fash- 
 ionable; all the same we advise their use; so does 
 common sense. 
 
 Fruit should constitute the first course of every 
 breakfast. Bread, toast, oatmeal, crushed wheat, 
 hominy, buckwheat, graham-gems or mush, eggs, 
 butter, milk, etc., etc.; a bit of fresh fish, breakfast 
 bacon, cold meat, anything light and dainty may 
 make up the breakfast bill of fare. 
 
 At a quiet family breakfast, it is a pretty fashion 
 to place the whole loaf of bread on the table, with 
 
AT TABLE. 
 
 I4I 
 
 a large knife beside it. The host cuts the bread 
 and helps each one as he or she desires it. We are 
 told that Queen Victoria set this fashion, but the 
 Germans claim it as their own. 
 
 LUNCHEON. 
 
 Luncheon, the dejeuner a la fourchette — the 
 breakfast with a fork — of the French, is, in the 
 country, called early dinner, ladies’ dinner or child- 
 rens’ dinner. A luncheon may be quite as elabo- 
 rate and ceremonious as a dinner, but of that we 
 have elsewhere spoken, and will give here only the 
 simple family luncheon, which is served at any time 
 between twelve and two o’clock and serves the 
 double purpose of a “breakfast with a fork ” for 
 the lady members of the household and an early 
 dinner for the children and servants. 
 
 White or colored table-cloths may be used and 
 the bare table is sometimes, though seldom, used. 
 
 The luncheon may be hot or cold, but, as it is 
 the childrens’ dinner, there should be, at least, one 
 hot dish, even with the cold repast. There are 
 salads, cold meats, sandwiches and dessert of fruits, 
 jellies, cake, etc. If a hot lunch is served there 
 are vegetables. 
 
 Sometimes the luncheon is made out of the re- 
 mains of the previous day’s dinner. Tea, coffee or 
 chocolate is served. As a rule, the gentlemen of 
 the family “lunch” down town. 
 
142 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 Table mats are no longer used, either at lunch- 
 eon or dinner. 
 
 We believe, with Mrs. Sherwood, that “it is well 
 in all households, if possible, for the children to 
 breakfast and lunch with their parents. The teach- 
 ing of table manners cannot be begun too soon. 
 But children should never be allowed to trouble 
 guests. If not old enough to behave well at table, 
 guests should not be invited to the meals at which 
 they are present. It is very trying to parents, 
 guests and servants. 
 
 When luncheon is to be an agreeable, social re- 
 past, which guests are expected to share, then the 
 children should dine elsewhere. No mother suc- 
 ceeds better in the rearing of her children than she 
 who has a nursery dining-room, where, under her 
 own eye, her bantlings are properly fed. It is not 
 so much trouble either as one would think.” 
 
 THE FAMILY DINNER. 
 
 In all well-regulated families, the dinner is a 
 formal repast, even if there are but two persons 
 present. It should be the time for the family visit- 
 ing, for cheerful conversation, and never less than 
 an hour should be spent at table. It is the family 
 reunion and all business, care and worry should be 
 laid aside, and only sunshine flood the room. 
 
 A bare hard-wood floor with large rug is best for 
 a dining room. Servants should be taught to move 
 
AT TABLE. 
 
 143 
 
 the chairs without noise and they should wear thin- 
 soled shoes that do not creak. When dessert is 
 served they should leave the room that the family 
 may enjoy the time in privacy. 
 
 The table-cloth should be pure white. Large 
 napkins plainly folded with a roll or piece of bread 
 inside should be placed at each plate. These 
 should be removed when the fruit course is brought, 
 and with each finger-bowl should be a small nap- 
 kin with which to wipe the fingers — the (roylies are 
 never used for this purpose. 
 
 The dinner may be placed upon the table and the 
 head of the household do the carving, while the 
 lady serves the soup, etc. 
 
 The knives and forks are placed on each side of 
 the plate, ready for use. 
 
 Salt-cellars are placed at each plate and salt may 
 be taken with the knife. 
 
 Dessert spoons and small forks are not put on at 
 the beginning of the dinner, but are brought as 
 needed — when the Roman punch is served before 
 the game, and again when the plum-pudding is 
 served before the ices. 
 
 A very small spoon is served for the coffee, after 
 dinner — to harmonize with the small cups now 
 used. 
 
 Care should be taken in using 4he spoon, espe- 
 cially the dessert-spoon, not to put it too far into 
 the mouth. 
 
144 
 
 AT TABLE. 
 
 The family dinner-table should be as carefully 
 laid and the dinner as ceremoniously served as for 
 company. There is no better school of manners 
 for sons and daughters than the home dinner. 
 
 The courses may be many or few, but every din- 
 ner should be served in courses. 
 
 Many families have a dinner-party on a certain 
 day every week; the guests may be from two to 
 ten. Others never eat a dinner alone, thinking it 
 inhospitable to do so, and still others fear they may 
 lapse into carelessness if they have not the restraint 
 of the presence of guests. 
 
 While cheerfulness is one of the essentials of a 
 good dinner, familiarity between members of the 
 family should never be allowed. The same court- 
 esy should be observed as between friends. 
 
 The bad manners of young Americans, are more 
 from lack of home education and training than 
 from inate coarseness. 
 
 Parents of limited means should not deprive their 
 children of the advantages of good society, because 
 their neighbors entertain upon a grander scale. 
 Some of the most enjoyable dinners are the simplest 
 and some of the most delightful entertainers are 
 those who make but little show of silver, etc. 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON AND SUPPER. 
 
 REAKFASTS in our country are given at any 
 hour from nine to twelve. To a formal break- 
 fast in the city, you are invited at twelve. 
 There is not much difference in the formalities of 
 dinners and breakfasts except that the latter is less 
 formal and consequently more enjoyable. Both 
 gentlemen and ladies are invited to a breakfast, but 
 as we have no leisure class, our gentlemen being 
 business men, they are seldom able to give them- 
 selves the pleasure of an acceptance. 
 
 INVITATIONS. 
 
 Invitations to breakfast are written and sent out 
 five days in advance of the entertainment. They 
 may be written in the first person, or the lady may 
 use her visiting card, thus: 
 
 Mrs. Mortimer Thompson, 
 
 Breakfast at ten, 
 
 December i8th. 310 Sixth Avenue,. 
 
 Thursday, 
 
 Or if she does not wish to give the breakfast on 
 her receiving day, she runs her pen through Thurs- 
 day and substitutes the day desired: 
 
 (145) 
 
146 BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, ETC. 
 
 Mrs. Mortimer Thompson, 
 
 Breakfast at ten, 
 
 December 17th. 310 Sixth Avenue. 
 
 Thursday. 
 
 The breakfast should be dainty and appetizing, 
 “not heavy or excessive in quantity.” 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Walking costumes are worn by both gentlemen 
 and ladies, also visiting gloves which are removed 
 after being seated at table. The lady lays off her 
 wraps, but not her bonnet. The formalities of 
 greeting the hostess are the same as at dinner. 
 
 SEATING THE GUESTS. 
 
 If it be a large breakfast or luncheon at which 
 gentlemen are present, the pairing and seating of 
 guests is the same as at dinner. If there are more 
 ladies than gentlemen — and there are, usually — 
 the lady is informed where she is to be seated. 
 
 If ladies only are present, they find their places 
 by location cards, having followed a lady leader 
 designated by the hostess, who follows; or the hos- 
 tess may lead the way with the lady whom she 
 wishes to honor on her right, without however 
 offering her arm, when the guests follow and seat 
 themselves as they choose. 
 
 If the host is present, he conducts the oldest lady 
 
BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, ETC. 
 
 147 
 
 or the one who for the time being is entitled to pre- 
 cedence. 
 
 THE FOOD 
 
 may be served from a side table, or may be placed 
 upon the breakfast-table. The only difference be- 
 tween serving a breakfast and a dinner, is that at 
 the former, tea, coffee and chocolate are placed near 
 the hostess and are poured by her own hand, and 
 the courses are more delicate and fewer in number. 
 
 Unless music follow a breakfast or luncheon, 
 guests take their departure half an hour after leav- 
 ing the table. 
 
 LUNCHEON. 
 
 Usually, ladies only are invited to a luncheon. 
 The lady’s visiting-card is used for the invitation, 
 which is similar to that for breakfast except that 
 the time for luncheon is from half past one to two 
 o’clock. 
 
 Numbers are spelled out on a visiting card; figures 
 are used only for the address and where the distri- 
 bution of the words upon the line require it, for the 
 day of the month and sometimes for the year. 
 
 The hostess does not pour the coffee as at break- 
 fast. 
 
 As many courses are frequently served at lun- 
 cheon as at dinner, except that there are fewer 
 wines at the former and the bouillon is served in 
 cups with saucers, instead of soup-plates. 
 
148 
 
 BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, ETC. 
 
 Menus are not necessary, but are sometimes pro- 
 vided as at dinner. 
 
 Calls are not expected after a simple or informal 
 breakfast or luncheon, “but they must follow grand 
 and ceremonious ones.” The costumes required for 
 the latter are handsome carriage toilettes, with 
 evening bonnets for the ladies, and dark frock-coats 
 and vests, with light trousers, neckties and gloves 
 for the gentlemen. 
 
 We can do no better under this head than to 
 quote again from ‘‘Social Etiquette of New York,” 
 the following: 
 
 “The small lunch of from eight to twenty is con- 
 ducted in the same style as the breakfast, but the 
 very large one, wfth from thirty to sixty guests, is 
 arranged for both drawing and dining-rooms, 
 where small tables, for four persons each — parties 
 carree — are carefully grouped for social enjoyments. 
 Sometimes very large luncheons are given to meet 
 a lady of note, or to introduce a stranger, in which 
 case they are called progressive luncheons. 
 
 Guests reply to the invitations immediately, and 
 the hostess gives her orders to th^e caterer to supply 
 the little tables, small chairs, and the luncheon, for 
 a fixed number of persons, she of course deciding 
 what shall be put upon the bill of fare. The guests 
 present themselves in handsome visiting toilets, and 
 are in their bonnets. They remove their gloves at 
 table. Several diagrams of the tables and their 
 
BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, ETC. 
 
 149 
 
 places, with the names of the guests upon them, 
 are placed in the dressing-room, so that each guest 
 may easily find her own location. They are received 
 by the hostess and are presented to her friend or 
 friends in a library or other reception room, where 
 they await the announcement of luncheon. The 
 guest of honor, if there is one, is seated at a table 
 near the centre, and between courses two of the 
 ladies, who are seated with her and the hostess, rise 
 and exchange seats with others whose names the 
 hostess mentions to them. This change is made 
 several times during the entertainment. Ladies at 
 other tables also exchange places if they like dur- 
 ing the removal of plates, each one carrying her 
 napkin with her. 
 
 This style of luncheon is in high favor with those 
 who entertain extensively, and, if expense is of 
 small consideration, it is an easy and certainly a 
 most agreeable method of being hospitable. Of 
 course after calls within ten days are obligatory,” 
 
 Says a friend near by: “Please tell your readers 
 
 what to have fo.r luncheon.” 
 
 At breakfast tea, coffee and chocolate are served. 
 At luncheon wines may be and usually are offered. 
 Coffee is not served. in the drawing-room as at din- 
 ner. Soup and fish are not a part of the luncheon 
 except in winter bouillon is provided and is served 
 in cups. 
 
 The menu is largely a matter of taste or conven- 
 
I 50 BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, ETC. 
 
 h 
 
 ience with the hostess, but if a cold luncheon she 
 may have rissoles of sweetbread, of fish, cut- 
 
 lets, quails, Saratoga potatoes, sweets, fruit and 
 coffee or wine; or there may be cold meats, ham, 
 tongue, roast beef, cold fowl, game, salads and even 
 hot chops at a cold meal. 
 
 If the hostess prefer a hot luncheon, she provides 
 beefsteak or chops, quail on toast, mashed potatoes, 
 asparagus or peas, with sweets, ice-cream, etc. 
 
 A nice way is to have the table arranged with the 
 fruit and flowers, thin slices of bread buttered, jel- 
 lies, preserves, creams, cakes, a dish of salmon 
 mayonnaise, and if served, claret and sherry on the 
 table. This looks enticing if tastefully placed, and 
 when ready to serve, the cold meats are brought 
 from a side-table by a servant, or they may be 
 placed upon the table and served by the host and 
 hostess with the help of a servant. 
 
 If it be a hot lunch the vegetables are not placed 
 upon the table. The entrees, hot or cold, are served 
 by the master and mistress of the house. 
 
 SUPPER. 
 
 The once favorite entertainment, the supper for 
 gentlemen and ladies, is again coming into favor. 
 Excepting suppers for gentlemen, ‘'bachelor’s sup- 
 pers” as they are called, the supper party, until 
 recently, has not for some years been popular. 
 
 The game suppers, at which wild fowl with wines 
 
BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, ETC. I 5 I 
 
 and coffee and desserts of pastry, creams and bon- 
 bons are served; the fish suppers, almost exclusively 
 of fish, including shell fish, etc., with salads, fruit, 
 coffee and wines; the wine and champagne suppers, 
 made up of a variety of luxuries, and differing from 
 the dinners only in the cold fillets of game, boned 
 turkey, spiced meats, etc., instead of all hot meats, 
 and a dessert of rich compounds, which are sure to 
 bring headaches in the morning, are the suppers 
 which have always found favor with the epicure 
 among married men as well as bachelors. They 
 are served from ten or eleven o’clock to one or two. 
 The invitations are informal and are written upon 
 the host’s visiting card, merely adding: 
 
 Supper at ten o’clock, 
 
 Saturday, December 8th. 
 
 But the supper to which gentlemen and ladies 
 are invited is a different affair. It is served at nine 
 or half-past nine o’clock, and is much like a dinner. 
 Oysters on the half shell is the first course, bouillon 
 in cups, the second. ‘Tf a hot supper is served 
 the usual dishes are sweetbreads with green peas, 
 cotelettes a la firianciere, and some sort of game 
 in season; salads of every kind are in order, and are 
 often served with the game. Then ices and fruit fol- 
 low. 
 
 At the informal supper the dishes are all placed 
 on a table together as for a supper at a large ball; 
 
152 
 
 BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, ETC. 
 
 that is, one kind of informal supper. Another may 
 consist of oysters, lobster salad and cold chicken, 
 with a glass of champagne and one kind of ice- 
 cream. Some ladies serve a cup of hot coffee. 
 
 Oysters may be served in various ways, as scal- 
 loped, broiled, or even fried. Hot vegetables are 
 never served at suppers. 
 
 A hostess need have little trouble in selecting the 
 courses for an informal supper, as there are no 
 strict rules demanding only certain dishes. She 
 may serve chicken in any form convenient; broiled 
 birds on toast, mushrooms on toast; all sorts of 
 salads and pressed meats; she may add to or sub- 
 tract from this list if she like. 
 
 Suppers for balls and parties — which are ‘‘stand 
 up” suppers —include all sorts of hot and cold 
 dishes; venison, fillet of beef with truffles; oysters 
 in every form except raw; salads of every 
 kind ; boned and truffled turkey and chicken ; 
 cold birds; hot canvas-back duck; turtle; terra- 
 pin, oyster and game pates\ bonbons, ices, biscuits, 
 creams, jellies and fruits with champagne. 
 
 The table should be as carefully set as for dinner, 
 and at a “sit down” supper the same etiquette ob- 
 served as to the changing of plates, etc., whether 
 the supper be formal or otherwise. 
 
CHAPTER XI. 
 
 AT HOME MATINEES AND SOIREES— 
 TEAS, KAFFEE KLATCHES, ETC. 
 
 N France any social gathering before dinner is 
 called a rnalinee ; any entertainment after din- 
 ner, a soiree. In America we call an afternoon 
 performance at the theatre a matinee, and by gen- 
 eral license all afternoon entertainments are so 
 called to distinguish them from those held at night. 
 
 
 , KETTLEDRUMS. 
 
 A few years ago the informal afternoon reception 
 was called a kettledrum, for what reason, author- 
 ities differ; some claiming that it originated in gar- 
 risons, where officers and their wives could give 
 only the most informal entertainments, owing to 
 the limitations of camp life. We remember having- 
 seen, a short time after their introduction into this 
 country, an explanation, something like the follow- 
 ing: As the kaffee klatch of the German ladies 
 
 meant the '' schnattern and plappereiein (and klats- 
 chen) and coffee-drinking, so the tea-drinking and 
 the loud, rapid talking of the English ladies, sug- 
 gested kettledrum, the noisiest of all drums. 
 
 (153) 
 
 II 
 
154 
 
 AT HOME MATINEES, ETC. 
 
 TEA OR KAFFEE KLATCH. 
 
 The only difference between a “tea” and kaffee 
 klatch is, that at the former, tea is the beverage 
 served, and coffee at the latter. The “tea” origi- 
 nated in England and the kaffee klatch is a Ger- 
 man importation. 
 
 Ladies are expected to present themselves at 
 these entertainments in street toilet; gentlemen the 
 same. The hostess is in full dress. Friends as- 
 sist her in receiving, unless she is introducing a 
 daughter or other young lady into society. Her 
 daughter or young lady friends assist her in the tea- 
 room. 
 
 INVITATIONS. 
 
 The gentleman of the house is not expected to 
 be present at these receptions and the invitations 
 are issued in the name of the hostess only, unless 
 she is introducing a daughter into society, or a 
 stranger into her own circle, when the name of the 
 daughter or stranger appears upon the card beneath 
 her own. 
 
 For a high tea the card is of medium size and 
 bears the names: 
 
 Mrs. John R. Dimmitt, 
 
 Miss Dimmitt. 
 
 A t home 
 
 Wednesday, November' 2 ^th, 
 from four until eight d clock. 
 
 78 Forest Avenue. 
 
AT HOME MATINEES, ETC. 
 
 ^55 
 
 For a simple “at home,” the invitations will be 
 as follows: 
 
 Mrs. John R. Dimmitt, 
 
 Miss Dimmitt. 
 
 Wednesday, November 2^th, 
 
 Coffee at four o'clock. 
 
 78 Forest Avenue. 
 
 “At home ” is seldom engraved upon a card for 
 a very informal occasion, unless it be after a wed- 
 ding. If a Series of teas are given, the lower left 
 corner is engraved: 
 
 Tuesdays in November , 
 from three to seve?t o'clock. 
 
 These cards are sent by mail in two envelopes; but 
 less formal “at homes,” when the day and hour are 
 written instead of being engraved in the left cor- 
 ner, are sent in but one envelope. If several ladies 
 are to receive with the hostess, their cards may or 
 may not be enclosed with hers. 
 
 An elaborate reception is preceded by a visit or a 
 call by card upon all acquaintances to whom the 
 hostess is indebted for formal civilities. 
 
 ARRIVAL OP' GUESTS. 
 
 At ceremonious receptions, a carpet is spread 
 from the threshold to the curbing. A s.erving-man 
 stands ready to open the carriage door and assist 
 such ladies to alight, as are not accompanied by a 
 
156 AT HOME MATINEES, ETC. 
 
 gentleman. As gentlemen seldom attend afternoon 
 receptions, this man is of great service at the arri- 
 val and departure of guests. He gives the coach- 
 man a card with a number upon it, and a duplicate 
 to the guest, so that her carriage shall be called by 
 number only. 
 
 ENTRANCE. 
 
 After having laid aside her wraps, either in the 
 hall or a dressing-room, the lady precedes her 
 ‘‘escort” or companion (usually a young lady) by 
 a few steps, into the drawing-room. She intro- 
 duces whoever accompanies her, to the hostess, 
 who then presents them both to her “assistants,” 
 and only an exchange of civilities is permissible. 
 
 LENGTH OF TIME TO REMAIN. 
 
 Half an hour is the prescribed length of time to 
 remain at a reception, unless there is a special en- 
 tertainment, as music or dancing. 
 
 REFRESHMENTS. 
 
 A table is set in the dining room, with tea, coffee 
 and chocolate, dainty sandwiches, cake, ices, etc. , 
 and for a “high tea” an “elaborate spread” is 
 sometimes provided. Guests go to the refresh- 
 ment-room and are “helped” by the daughters or 
 young lady friends. 
 
 Ices, coffee, cake, etc., may be passed in the 
 drawing-room to such guests as do not care to go 
 to the tea-room for anything more substantial. 
 
AT HOME MATINEES, ETC. 
 
 157 
 
 At a tea or kaffec klatch, if there is not a crowd, 
 the refreshments may be passed to the guests by a 
 servant, or by the daughters or young lady friends. 
 The fashion of being served by the young ladies is 
 preferred, especially b}^ those who are comparative 
 strangers The pleasant word given to each guest 
 is quite as enjoyable as the coffee. 
 
 DANCING. 
 
 If there is dancing, the hostess invites such as 
 she desires to remain, by special note, or by verbal 
 request during the afternoon, or the word “dancing” 
 may be engraved or written on the corner of the 
 card. 
 
 The hostess cannot leave her position to dance, 
 but her daughters may do so during the latter part 
 of the afternoon. 
 
 OTHER ENTERTAINMENTS. 
 
 If there are entertainments, such as readings, 
 musicales, etc., the word indicating the same may 
 be engraved or written on the card. For a musi- 
 cale, the invitation reads ‘Trom three to six 
 o’clock.” The music is expected to begin at four. 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 A hostess rarely introduces people at a large re- 
 ception, unless requested to do so, partly because 
 she is occupied with receiving her guests and partly 
 because it is not fashionable. Introductions are 
 
158 
 
 AT HOME MATINEES, ETC. 
 
 seldom expected or asked for in crowded gather- 
 ings, except when gentlemen wish to ask ladies for 
 a dance. However, guests may introduce each 
 other — not holding the hostess responsible for the 
 acquaintance — or they may converse without that 
 formality. It is, of course, understood that the ac- 
 quaintance does not extend beyond the evening, 
 unless mutually desired. 
 
 TAKING LEAVE. 
 
 Ceremonious leave-taking is not expected from 
 departing guests, especially if the “party” is very 
 large, or while the parlors are yet well filled. It is 
 a kindness to the hostess to omit it. 
 
 AFTER CALLS AND REGRETS. 
 
 After a grand and elaborate reception, after-calls 
 must be made; this is as obligatory as a call after 
 an invitation to dine. But after an informal one, a 
 tea or koffee klatch,, calls are not expected. 
 
 Cards of those who are unable to be present are 
 sent in upon the day of the reception. They are 
 left in the hall in care of the attendant. If a series 
 of receptions are given and none are attended, the 
 card is sent into the last one, or cards may be sent 
 into each one. 
 
 At an informal afternoon when after-calls are not 
 expected, each guest leaves a card in the hall, where 
 there should be a tray or basket to receive them. 
 
AT HOME MATINEES, ETC. 
 
 159 
 
 SOIREES. 
 
 The afternoon reception, or matinee, has become 
 so popular that it has reached out into the evening 
 hours and taken to itself the name of soiree. It 
 used to be called an ‘'evening party,” but whatever 
 we call it, or them, the matinee and the soiree are 
 a blessing to those of limited means and hospitable 
 inclinations. 
 
 If a lady have the genius of a successful enter- 
 tainer, she need not have a large house, nor an 
 unlimited bank account to make her mathiees or 
 soirees the most enjoyable of all social occasions. 
 If she have the tact to gather beneath her roof such 
 guests as enjoy the higher entertainment of head 
 and heart, without banishing beauty and grace, she 
 may make her little parties most brilliant gather- 
 ings. It has long, been the fashion for people of 
 literary and artistic tastes, in the larger cities and 
 in some smaller towns, to gather “social inspira- 
 tion” at the homes of friends of similar tastes, 
 where the evening is spent in conversation, reading 
 and music, with a light material repast to add to 
 the hospitalities of the occasion. 
 
 The ordinary soiree or evening party includes 
 dancing usually, and the word is engraved upon the 
 invitation. But dancing is not supposed to be the 
 “reason of the being” of an evening party. The 
 hour for commencing is from half-past eight to half- 
 past nine, and is mentioned on the invitation card, 
 
l6o AT HOME MATINEES, ETC. 
 
 which is sent out from ten to fifteen days before 
 the appointed evening, in one envelope. 
 
 GLOVES AND BONNETS. 
 
 At a matinee ladies wear their gloves and bon- 
 nets. At a soiree the bonnets are left in the dress- 
 ing-room. The ladies are prettily dressed, but not 
 in full costume. Gentlemen are in evening dress. 
 Since the Prince of Wales set the fashion gloves 
 are not worn by gentlemen in private houses, except 
 while dancing. 
 
CHAPTER XII 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 
 
 INVITATIONS. 
 
 ANCING and a substantial supper constitute 
 a ball. Invitations are sent out in two en- 
 velopes, from ten to twenty days in advance of 
 the appointed evening and read thus: 
 
 Mrs. John Allyn 
 
 requests the pleasure of your company 
 071 Wednesday eveitiicg, September loth, 
 at half past nine o'clock. 
 
 Dancing. 46 Park Street. 
 
 There is another style of card that does not have 
 dancing engraved upon it, because some who are 
 invited may not wish to dance and yet would feel 
 slighted if omitted, so a small card with 
 Daiicing, 
 
 engraved upon it, is enclosed with the notes to such 
 as do not object to dancing. 
 
 Another style is: 
 
 Mrs. John Allyn 
 At home 
 
 Wednesday evening Septcniher, loth, 
 at nine o'clock. 
 
 Cotillon at ten. 46 Park Street. 
 
 R. s. V. p. 
 
 (161') 
 
1 62 ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 
 
 This hour intimates that those who desire can 
 leave before the dancing begins, and is oftener sent 
 as an invitation to a party than a ball. 
 
 Still another may be as follows: 
 
 Mrs. John Allyn 
 
 requests the pleasure of the conipa?iy of 
 Mr, and Mrs. Morgan Bates 
 on Wednesday evening, September loth, 
 at half past nine o' clock. 
 
 Dancing. 46 Park Street. 
 
 In New York, where young ladies are introduced 
 to society by means of a ball at Delmonico’s, the 
 invitation is issued in the name of both host and 
 hostess and ‘‘Delmonico’s'’ engraved on the lower 
 left corner.. The card of the young lady is some- 
 times enclosed. 
 
 These invitations must of course be accepted or 
 declined within two or three days. The form of 
 acceptance or regret to an invitation to a ball is 
 written in the names of those receiving the card, 
 as: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Morgan Bates 
 accept with pleasure 
 Mrs. John Allyn's 
 
 kind invitatio7i for Wednesday evenings Sept. loth. 
 September ist. 20 Clarkson Street. 
 
 If not accepted the form may be, 
 
ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 1 63 
 
 Mr- and Mrs. Morgan Bates 
 decline with sincere regret 
 Mrs, John Allyd s 
 kind invitation, etc. 
 
 If invitations are sent to new acquaintances ,or to 
 strangers in town, the card of the gentleman is 
 enclosed to gentlemen, that of both the gentleman 
 and his wife to ladies and gentlemen, if it is a first 
 invitation. 
 
 TOILET FOR BALLS. 
 
 A dinner calls for handsome dress; a ball de- 
 mands the fullest of toilets which the season admits. 
 Young ladies of slender figure, wear light, thin 
 dresses. Chaperons wear heavy velvet and brocade. 
 Jewelry is worn, and bouquets hung by different 
 colored ribbons on the arm, are a necessary adjunct 
 to the full toilette. Gentlemen should wear even- 
 ing dress. 
 
 THE BALL-ROOM. 
 
 Where there is no ball-room in therhouse and the 
 drawing-room is used for dancing, a linen cloth is 
 sometimes stretched over the carpet, or the carpet 
 is sometimes taken up. The furniture is removed 
 from the room. Cut and growing flowers — as many 
 as the hostess chooses — are arranged wherever space 
 and fine effect admit. 
 
I 64 ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 
 
 THE SUPPER-ROOM. 
 
 The supper-room is usually opened at twelve or 
 half-past twelve o’clock — sometimes as late as one — 
 but generally there is a tea-room open during the 
 entire evening, where tea, boullion, coffee, chocolate, 
 lemonade and sandwiches or some other light refesh- 
 ment can be obtained by such of the guests as do 
 not wish a heavy supper. 
 
 A SMOKING-ROOM 
 
 either up stairs or down is sometimes set apart for 
 gentlemen. Where there is no special room for the 
 purpose, gentlemen should refrain from smoking. 
 
 WALTZING AND SQUARE DANCES 
 
 occupy the time until supper. After supper the 
 German is danced. A program, with the order of 
 its dances is engraved or printed and should be sent 
 out with the invitations to the ball. 
 
 AWNING AND CARPET. 
 
 An awning to protect the guests from the weather 
 and a carpet to tread upon, should be placed at the 
 front entrance of a house — between the carriage 
 and the door — wherever ladies in full dress are ex- 
 pected. 
 
 ARRIVAL OF GUESTS. 
 
 A man stands ready to open the carriage door, 
 numbers the carriage in the order of its arrival and 
 
ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 165 
 
 gives the number, printed on a card, to the guest, 
 and a duplicate card with number to the coachman, 
 so that when wanted the carriage can be secured by 
 the number instead of calling out the name. 
 
 Another servant opens the vestibule or hall door 
 and directs the guests to their respective dressing- 
 rooms. 
 
 A wife enters a drawing-room on the husband’s 
 right, if she lean upon his arm, otherwise she 
 enters a step or two in advance of him. If a gen- 
 tleman is accompanied by more than one lady, the 
 eldest precedes the group, or takes the gentleman’s 
 right arm. 
 
 Afier a gentleman has greeted his hostess and 
 those receiving with her, he should find the host, and, 
 if not acquainted with him, have himself presented. 
 “ Dancing men,” who are strangers to the host, 
 sometimes receive invitations through friends who 
 vouch for their respectability. 
 
 After the usual greetings, guests move on, walk 
 about to find friends or wait till the younger ones 
 have partners for dancing, when the time until sup- 
 per is passed in conversation. 
 
 GENTLEMEN WITHOUT PARTNERS 
 
 ask the hostess to present them to ladies who 
 will dance with them. The hostess usually dele- 
 gates this duty to her assistants, as she cannot 
 leave her place while receiving — which is, during 
 
1 66 ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 
 
 the entire evening, as guests come to a ball at all 
 hours. 
 
 INVITING A YOUNG LADY TO DANCE. 
 
 Where chaperonage is the custom — as it is in all 
 European countries, and in the best society in east- 
 ern cities here, and is becoming more common in 
 western cities and towns — a young lady accepts an 
 invitation to dance, through her chaperon. After 
 a dance is finished, the gentleman returns her to 
 the lady who has charge of her, and may linger 
 there to converse with her. However they usually 
 walk around the room once before returning to the 
 chaperon. 
 
 SUPPER. 
 
 Sometimes supper is served during the entire 
 evening, but when it is not, the hostess gives the 
 signal when the proper time arrives for supper, and 
 the host leads the way to the supper-room with the 
 most distinguished lady — -it riiay be an elderly lady, 
 a stranger or a bride — the hostess following with 
 the gentleman who takes her to supper. However 
 it is customary with the majority of hostesses not 
 to go in until every one is served, in order that they 
 may look to the comfort and happiness of all their 
 guests. 
 
 A young lady, accompanied by her chaperon, 
 goes to supper with the gentleman with whom she 
 has lait been dancing, if he is at liberty to offer his 
 
ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 167 
 
 , services to them. Of course he must first see that 
 the lady or ladies w^hom he accom.panied to the ball 
 are properly attended. A lady cannot refuse the 
 offer of a gentleman’ s arm to supper in company 
 with her m.other or lady friend, even if he did not 
 accompany tliem to the ball. 
 
 A gentleman should never go in to supper alone, 
 unless he has seen every lady enter before him. 
 When ladies are left unattended, it is proper for a 
 gentleman, even though a stranger to them, to offer 
 his services in waiting upon them. The “roof in- 
 troduction” is all that is necessary, under the cir- 
 cumstances. 
 
 A gentleman should see that the lady or ladies 
 whom he escorts are properly waited upon. The 
 lady must receive attention only from him or a ser- 
 vant, unless offered by some member of the host’s 
 family. 
 
 DAUGHTERS OF THE HOSTESS. 
 
 The young gentlemen should first invite the 
 daughters of the house to dance, and next the rela- 
 tives and near friends. 
 
 Young men should see that ladies who are unat- 
 tended by gentlemen are not neglected. It is quite 
 proper for a young man to speak to a lady older 
 than himself, even without an introduction. He 
 should offer his services in taking her to the supper- 
 room or calling her carriage, or in any little atten- 
 tion that civility demands. 
 
1 68 ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES, 
 CHAPERONS. 
 
 On the subject of chaperons, Mrs. Sherwood’s 
 ideas agree so entirely with our own that we quote 
 from her the following: “It is not wise for young 
 
 ladies to join in every dance, nor should a young- 
 chaperon dance, leaving her protege sitting. The 
 very bad American custom of sending several young 
 girls to a ball with a very young chaperon — per- 
 haps one of their own number who has just been 
 married — has led to great vulgarity in our American 
 city life, not to say to that general misapprehen- 
 sion of foreigners, which offends without correcting 
 our national vanity. A mother should endeavor to 
 attend balls with her daughters, and stay as long 
 as they do. But many mothers say: “We are not 
 invited, there is not room for us.” Then her 
 daughters should not accept. It is a very poor 
 American custom not to invite the mothers. Let 
 a lady give two or three balls, if her list is so large 
 that she can only invite the daughters. If it be ab- 
 solutely necessary to limit the invitations, the 
 father should go with the daughters, for who else is 
 to escort them to their carriage, take care of them 
 if they faint, or look to their special or accidental 
 waiits^.^ The fact that a few established old veter- 
 ans of society insist upon “lagging superflous on 
 the stage,” should not deter ladies who entertain 
 from being true to the ideas of the best society, 
 which certainly are in favor of chaperonage. ” 
 
ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 1 69 
 SOME GENERAL RULES FOR THE BALL-ROOM. 
 
 It is not necessary to take leave of your hostess 
 at a ball, unless it is a first invitation, in that case,, 
 thank her for the entertainment. 
 
 Never forget ball-room engagements. Do not 
 confuse them. Don’t promise the same dance to 
 two gentlemen. 
 
 If a young lady refuse to dance with one gentle- 
 man she must not dance with another. 
 
 At the end of a quadrille, the gentleman offers 
 the lady with whom he has been dancing, his right 
 arm and walks around the room once with her, be^ 
 fore seating her or returning her to her chaperon. 
 He need not remain beside her unless he wish to 
 do so. Where chaperonage is not the custom, he 
 leaves her with any lady whom she knows, old or 
 young. 
 
 Always wear gloves in a ball-room. Take them 
 off at supper, but put them on again before you re- 
 turn to the danoing-room. Some persons carry an 
 extra pair with them to use in case of accident. 
 
 If a lady has forgotten an engagement to dance, 
 she should apologize. The gentleman will, of 
 course, accept the apology. 
 
 Married men never dance with their wives, but 
 we see no good reason why they should not if they 
 desire to show them that attention. 
 
 A son of the hostess must not devote himself 
 
\yO ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 
 
 during the entire evening to one lady or to a favored 
 few. It is ill-bred to do so. You should show 
 equal attention to all ladies. 
 
 If a gentleman is introduced to a lady solely for 
 the purpose of dancing, he cannot ask her for more 
 than two dances the same evening. Upon their 
 next meeting after an introduction of this character, 
 the gentleman must wait for the lady to bow first. 
 She may not desire to keep up the acquaintance. 
 
 While the polite hostess has eyes, ears and 
 thoughts only for her guests, and does everything 
 in her power to promote their enjoyment, every 
 guest should see that her efforts are supplemented 
 by his own. 
 
 Everything must be quiet and harmonious. 
 
 It is not necessary for a gentleman to remain by 
 the side of a young lady until relieved by some one 
 else. It is polite to move from one to another, 
 and to see that all have equal attention. Wall- 
 flowers should receive attention out of politeness 
 to the hostess, if not from consideration of their 
 own happiness. 
 
 Gentlemen should not assemble around the doors 
 and “look on,” nor “retire into a corner to carry 
 on a flirtation.” You go to a ball to dance not to 
 flirt or to shirk if you are needed in a set; or if a 
 lady desire to dance and have no partner you should 
 offer your services to the hostess, who will see that 
 you are introduced. 
 
ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. I / I 
 
 A young lady should not accept invitations for 
 every dance. She may give her reason for refusing 
 — that she is fatigued or does not wish to dance — 
 and no gentleman will feel hurt by her refusal. Of 
 course she must not accept another invitation for 
 the same dance. 
 
 A gentleman will not try to step across a lady’s 
 train, but will walk around it. If by any accident 
 he should tread upon it or tear it, he will offer to 
 escort her to the dressing-room. 
 
 Do not join in a dance if you are ignorant of its 
 figures. If you desire to learn it seek the aid of a 
 dancing master, but do not interrupt the pleasure 
 of the set by your ignorance or awkwardness. 
 
 Do not take steps in a quadrille, but walk through 
 it easily and gracefully. Avoid seeming familiarity 
 in swinging a lady. Everybody dances the quad- 
 rille and it is permissible to talk to your partner, 
 but don’t be loud or boisterous. 
 
 If a gentleman is not acquainted with the host, 
 he has himself introduced. If he is unacquainted 
 with any members of the family, after speaking to 
 the host and hostess, he asks some common friend 
 to introduce him to those he does not know. 
 
 After-calls must be made within a week, whether 
 the invitation was accepted or not. If the lady have 
 a reception day the call should be made upon that 
 day. Ladies who have no day sometimes give one 
 or more receptions after a ball — inclosing their 
 
1/2 ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 
 
 cards in each invitation to the ball — in order that 
 the after-calls may be made on that day. 
 
 An authority says: “The requisites for an agree- 
 
 able ball are a well-bred hostess, good ventilation, 
 good music, a good supper, guests who know their 
 duties, and not too large a number of them.” 
 
 The rules for a private ball apply also to a public 
 ball. 
 
 At public balls there are managers, ushers, stew- 
 ards, etc., and there ought to be a committee of la- 
 dies or a recognized hostess to receive. 
 
 You usually have your own party with whom you 
 dance at a public ball, otherwise it would not be 
 enjoyable. 
 
 THE GERMAN, 
 
 where it is danced, ends the ball. It is the most 
 fashionable dance of society, but is danced only at 
 private and not at public balls. The leader must 
 be perfectly familiar with all the figures. The 
 leader is chosen beforehand by the hostess. A lady 
 cannot refuse to dance with any gentleman brought 
 to her. To give variety and increase the interest 
 favors are given, usually inexpensive but tasteful. 
 
 PARTIES. 
 
 The evening party always includes dancing, and 
 yet the word dancuig is engraved on the corner of 
 the invitation, and also the hour of its commencing. 
 
ETIQUETTE OF BALLS AND PARTIES. 
 
 The hour for a party is earlier than for a ball, 
 being nine to half-past nine. 
 
 Invitations for balls and parties are sent by post. 
 The card is issued ten or fifteen days prior to the 
 appointed evening. 
 
 The hostess sends out her invitations for a party 
 as for a ball, after calling by card or in person upon 
 all the proposed guests to whom she is socially in- 
 debted. 
 
 The invitations to a party are issued in the name 
 of both host and hostess. 
 
 At a party, dancing seldom begins until after sup- 
 per. Conversation, music, etc., occupy the earlier 
 part of the evening. All departures are made by 
 one o’clock at the latest. 
 
CHAPTER Xm. 
 
 CHAPERONS. 
 
 S a rule it is better to conform to the usages 
 of the place you are in, but there is at least 
 one custom which a few brave women defy 
 and which they should continue to disregard, and 
 that is, the almost universal practice in small 
 towns and western cities, of allowing the daughters 
 to receive visits from young men alone ; to drive 
 and walk with them without the presence of a third 
 person, which the young people consider an im- 
 pertinence. 
 
 Of course they are called “queer,’’ but their 
 courage in doing what to them seems right, cannot 
 fail eventually to have its influence upon the com- 
 munity in which they live. They are misundei*- 
 stood and feared by some young men, yet the best 
 men, though the custom of chaperonage is an in- 
 novation, respect both mothers and daughters and 
 feel it an honor to be permitted to pay attentions 
 to these guarded treasures. 
 
 Even in our eastern cities, the custom has be- 
 come general in the best society only within a few 
 years. There have always been some families in 
 every refined circle which have believed in and to a 
 
 (174) 
 
CHAPERONS. 
 
 175 
 
 certain degree practiced a sort of chaperonage, but 
 they have been held to be eccentric, and even cruel 
 by the ‘'Young American” who felt his self-respect 
 wounded, because he took this — to him “espionage” 
 — to mean a lack of confidence in the integrity of 
 his intentions. 
 
 Our young people have been brought up to 
 believe in themselves ; to respect themselves too 
 much to abuse the confidence reposed in them, or 
 to violate the proprieties exacted by good-breeding. 
 But the self-reliance taught them and assumed by 
 them, has for some reason — possibly the want of 
 a little wholesome restraint — unconsciously grown 
 into a lack of reverence for age ; an impatience of 
 parental restraint or authority, and a seeming 
 desire to put parents and older persons in the back- 
 ground, especially in social matters. Parents are 
 themselves to blame in this, for without their 
 acquiescence, such state of things could not be. 
 
 What influence the political freedom, which 
 makes every man in America a lord, and to which 
 the “conglomerate” made up of all nationalities is 
 • hardly yet acclimatized, has had and is having 
 upon our manners, will not be discussed here, but 
 that “independence” is the ruling idea, is seen in 
 the disregard of “rules” which is practiced by so 
 many of our people. 
 
 In Europe every young unmarried woman has a 
 chaperon; it is an absolute necessity. If she have 
 
ij6 
 
 CHAPERONS. 
 
 a mother, of course the mother is the natural 
 chaperon and understands her duties. If she is 
 motherless, the first duty of the father is to provide 
 a chaperon, either a relative, or some other lady. 
 Sometimes well born women in reduced circum- 
 stances can be hired to assume this position. 
 
 While here the Spanish duennas are held up to 
 ridicule, and pointed at as the representative 
 European chaperon, in Europe we are laughed at 
 for allowing our daughters to go to parties and 
 theatres with young men alone. “There is no 
 civilized country where so much license is permitted 
 in the intercourse of young men and women as in 
 the United States.” 
 
 This is the criticism made by all foreigners travel- 
 ing or visiting in the United States, and from this 
 stand-point, many judge us. 
 
 That excellent authority, “Social Etiquette of 
 New York,” says : “To the foreigner the guarding 
 of young womanhood from a too familiar acquaint- 
 ance with what is called ‘a man of the world’ is a 
 mark of tender respect for her. The European 
 venerates this young woman because her family 
 treasures her, and because he does not know how 
 to respect those who are less carefully sheltered. 
 This is his misfortune and it has added another 
 burden to our own social life. However, it cannot 
 be evaded while we intermingle so generally with 
 foreigners and our own people intermarry with 
 
CHAPERONS. 
 
 177 
 
 them. We are compelled to submit to the con- 
 sequences of their inherited prejudices, because 
 they cannot escape them, and doubtless would not 
 if they could. And yet we would like them to 
 understand that it is not because we suspect our 
 women of foolishness, or that the young women of 
 our republic lack in self-reverence or a mental 
 capacity that is sufficient for a quick defense of a 
 moral principle or a social propriety, or that we 
 have not a complete confidence in the fine moral 
 sense and chivalric honor of all true American men, 
 that a guardian has been placed over our young 
 sisters. It is to protect them only from the dis- 
 respect of those foreign born men, yes, and women 
 too, who believe in inherited distinctions and class 
 privileges, and who also have a conviction that by 
 nature all youthful women require protection to 
 guard them from falling victims to their own indis- 
 cretions of speech and manners, and also to the 
 frivolous influences of the other sex. Of course 
 foreigners cannot avoid bringing over with them 
 their own race prejudices, and their own inherited 
 and cultivated family peculiarities which they 
 usually mention as ‘their social principles’.” 
 
 This may be all very well for the sea-board 
 towns, but why we, who claim to have our own 
 fashions in etiquette, copied though many of them 
 are from the older civilizations, should do certain 
 things merely to protect ourselves from foreigners 
 
178 
 
 CHAPERONS. 
 
 and their opinion of us, we cannot understand. 
 We claim to be an independent nation and we 
 should do what is best for us for the sake of right- 
 ness. We believe in chaperonage because it is 
 right. We believe in it for the cities and towns 
 where there are few foreigners. There are other 
 pitfalls in a young lady’s path. Much as we be- 
 lieve in our young men and our young women, the 
 former are not always honorable, nor the latter al- 
 ways wise, especially in speech, which young men 
 very frequently misinterpret. “The soul of every 
 man,” says Mathews, “is a mystery which no other 
 man can fathom; we are, as one has said, spirits in 
 prison, able only to make signals to each other, but 
 with a world of things to think and say, which our 
 signals cannot describe at all. There is hardly an 
 abstract term in any language which conveys pre- 
 cisely the same meaning to two different minds; 
 every word is sure to awaken in one mind more or 
 less different associations from those it awakens in 
 another. Words mean the same thing only to per- 
 sons who are psychologically the same and who 
 have had the same experiences.” 
 
 An inexperienced and vivacious young lady, no 
 matter how well she has been reared, is sometimes, 
 if left unrestrained, innocently guilty of indiscre- 
 tions — if the expression is permissible. We believe 
 with Mrs. Sherwood that, “ this business of chape- 
 ronage is a point which demands attention on the 
 
CHAPERONS. 
 
 179 
 
 part of careless American mothers. No mother 
 should be oblivious of her duty in this respect. It 
 does not imply that she doubts her daughter’s 
 honor or truth, or that she thinks she needs watch- 
 ing but it is proper and respectable and necessary 
 that she should appear by her daughter’s side in 
 society. The world is full of traps. It is impossi- 
 ble to be too careful of the reputation of a young 
 lady, and it improves the tone of society vastly if 
 an elegant and respectable woman of middle age 
 accompanies every young party. It goes far to si- 
 lence the ceaseless clatter of gossip; it is the anti- 
 dote to scandal; it makes the air clearer, and, above 
 all, it improves the character, the manners, and 
 elevates the minds of these young people who are so 
 happy as to enjoy the society and to feel the 
 authority of a cultivated, wise and good chaperon.” 
 
 Chaperons are not all wise and good but they 
 should be. A widower, with daughters, might 
 sometimes prevent scandal and trouble by placing 
 an intelligent chaperon at the head of his house in- 
 stead of his inexperienced daughters. In England 
 the unmarried daughters of a widower, have always 
 the companionship of a chaperon. 
 
 Where chaperonage is customary —and it ought 
 to be everywhere — a young gentleman asks permis- 
 sion of the mother or chaperon to invite her charge 
 to dance, to promenade or to go to supper. 
 
 He also asks her permission to invite the young 
 
i8o 
 
 CHAPERONS. 
 
 lady to a theatre or other place of amusement, ex- 
 tending the invitation also to the chaperon. If she 
 accept for the daughter but cannot for any reason, 
 accept for herself, she will ask permission to dele- 
 gate some one else. If a gentleman give a small 
 theatre party, say of four or six, one chaperon is 
 sufficient, but if the party is larger, it is etiquette to 
 have two. 
 
 The host calls first — in an omnibus if he choose 
 — for the chaperon, which may be his mother or 
 married sister or some other married lady, and they 
 gather the guests. Or the chaperon may take the 
 young ladies in her own carriage and meet the 
 gentlemen of the party at the place of amusement. 
 Or he may send carriages for the ladies — providing 
 a chaperon for each four. The arrangements are, 
 of course, settled beforehand. 
 
 If a bachelor give a dinner, supper or tea at his 
 apartments or in a private room at a restaurant, he 
 must have one of his married kinswomen to preside 
 as hostess, or, if that is not possible, he may have 
 one or two other married ladies who are friends of 
 his guests. 
 
 The duties of a chaperon are b}^ no means light, 
 and are sometimes very unpleasant. She and her 
 charge, in any case are a burden upon each other. 
 The former must accompany the latter everywhere. 
 She must be with her when she receives gentlemen 
 visitors in the parlor, and must guard her from a 
 
CHAPERONS. 
 
 I8l 
 
 possible bad marriage by admitting to her presence 
 only good men, so far as she is able to judge. 
 
 It is her duty to see that the young lady is pro- 
 vided with a partner for the German; that she is not 
 left a wall-dower at the ball; that she goes to 
 places where she will be instructed as well as en- 
 tertained — to picture-galleries, etc. 
 
 A wise, well-bred chaperon can add much to the 
 happiness of a young girl, and the young girl, if con- 
 siderate, will do all in her power to lighten the bur- 
 dens of her protector. 
 
 In entering a drawing-room, the chaperon enters 
 with her charge at her left, and slightly in advance 
 of her. After the usual greetings with the hostess, 
 the 3^oung lady is presented and they move on 
 together. 
 
 It is ‘etiquette’ to have a chaperon, and it is 
 the greatest violation of it not to have one. 
 
 “If a woman is protected by the armor of work, 
 she can dispense with a chaperon. The young 
 artist goes about her-copying unquestioned, but in 
 society, v/ith^its^^fferent laws, she must be under 
 the care of an older woman than herself.” 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 
 
 fer^HE time for a young lady’s first appearance 
 |l in society is usually from seventeen to twenty. 
 
 The time may, for reasons, be postponed even 
 longer. The mother decides when her daughter 
 shall make the transition from girlhood to young 
 ladyhood, and invites friends to her house that she 
 may present this daughter to them as a member of 
 their circle. 
 
 Prior to this time, at least in the best society 
 of large cities, the young lady never goes to par- 
 ties (e.xcept children’s parties, which have been 
 spoken of elsewhere), and is not even present at 
 any entertainment at her fathers residence, unless 
 we except weddings, christenings and birthday anni- 
 versaries. ' 
 
 This ceremony is supposed to indicate that the 
 young lady has finished her ordinary so-called edu- 
 cation, and is now ready to assume the duties and 
 responsibilities of a member of society. She may 
 now receive the homage of gentlemen if she desire 
 their attentions. 
 
 Just previous to the debut her mother and elder 
 
 unmarried sisters — if she have anv — pay visits, or 
 
 (182) 
 
DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 1 83 
 
 at least leave their own with their father’s and 
 brothers’ cards, upon the acquaintances whom they 
 intend to invite to be present. After this formality 
 and about ten or fifteen days previous to the event, 
 engraved invitations are issued. All the invitations 
 directed to one family are inclosed in one outer en- 
 velope. These invitations are directed as follows: 
 One to “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” If there are more 
 daughters than one their address is the “ Misses 
 Smith.” Each son receives a separate invitation. 
 
 The invitations should be engraved upon note 
 paper in clear, plain script. 
 
 The following form of invitation is used: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. James Aiken 
 request the pleasure 
 of introducing their datighter, 
 
 Marjory, 
 
 to 
 
 on Tuesday evening, February loth, at half past 
 nine d clock. 
 
 507 Sixth Avenue. 
 
 Another style is to enclose the young lady’s card 
 in an invitation to a dinner, reception, party or 
 ball. 
 
 A reply to such an invitation, if for a dinner, 
 must be answered immediately. If for any other 
 
DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 
 
 184 
 
 entertainment it should not be delayed beyond 
 three days, and ought not to be delayed at all. 
 
 The form and style — which is the same as that of 
 the invitation — should be as follows: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer Thompson 
 accept with pleasure 
 Mr, and Mrs. James Aiken s 
 kind invitation for Tuesday evening,, February loth, 
 579 Walnut St. January 25. 
 
 Still another style of debut is simply an afternoon 
 “at home” with the young lady’s card engraved be- 
 low her mother’s. If she be the eldest it is Miss 
 Aiken, but if she have elder unmarried sisters it is 
 Miss Maude Aiken. No reply is made to these in- 
 vitations, but cards must be left in the hall for the 
 young lady as well as the mother, and if the invi- 
 tation is not accepted, cards must be sent to both 
 mother and daughter. 
 
 “When a reply is made to an invitation sent to 
 a mother and one daughter the elder lady may re- 
 ply for both, but if there is more than one daughter 
 the reply commences thus: The Misses Leacroft, 
 
 etc. Each young gentleman replies for himself.” 
 
 A pretty way for intimate friends to welcome the 
 debutante into their circle is to send flowers on the 
 day of her first appearance. 
 
 The mother stands near the entrance of the 
 drawing-room, with the daughter next beyond her, 
 
DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 1 85. 
 
 and if it is an evening reception or a dinner the 
 father stands next to her. After greeting each 
 guest the mother presents the daughter. 
 
 When dinner is announced, unless there is a 
 brother, the father escorts the young lady to the 
 table, and the mother follows last with the most 
 honored gentleman present. If there is a brother 
 the father leads the way with the eldest or most 
 distinguished lady of the party, and the brother es- 
 corts his sister and places her at her father’s left 
 hand. 
 
 The mother selects in advance the g^tleman 
 who shall be her daughter’s partner in the first 
 dance, who dances but once with her, nor does any 
 other gentleman ask for more than one dance. 
 
 The after-calls following this entertainment in- 
 clude the young lady, but she has no separate card 
 during her first year in society, as she makes no 
 formal calls alone, neither does she receive gentle- 
 men callers without a chaperon. 
 
 Perhaps you are wondering how a young gentle- 
 man enters society. I don’t know; he somehow 
 slips in without formality. 
 
 13 
 
CHAPTER XV/ ‘ 
 
 THE CONVERSATION OF SOCIETY. " 
 
 ^t^HERE can be no doubt that of all the accom- 
 plishments prized in ‘. modern society, that of 
 being agreeable^ in conversation is the very 
 first. It may be called the social result of Western 
 civilization, beginning with the Greeks. Whatever 
 contem{5l the North American Indian or the Mo- 
 hammedan Tartar may feel for talking as mere 
 shatter, it is agreed among us. that people must 
 meet frequently, both men and women, and that 
 not only is it agreeable to talk, but that it is a 
 matter of courtesy to say something, even when 
 there is hardly anything to say. Every civilized 
 man and woman feels or ought to feel this duty. 
 It is the universal accomplishment which all must 
 practice, and as those who fail signally to attain'd 
 are punished by the dislike or neglect of society, so 
 those who succeed beyond the average receive a 
 just reward, not only in the constant pleasure they 
 reap from it, but in the esteem which they gain 
 from their fellows. 'Many men and many women 
 owe the whole of a great success m life to this and 
 nothing else. An agreeable young woman will al- 
 
 (i86) 
 
THE CONVERSATION OF SOCIETY. 1 99 
 
 merit. That the conscientious man weighs his 
 words; the boaster and enthusiast employ the su- 
 perlative degree; the cautious man utters but few 
 words, and so on through the list of the character- 
 istics of different rnen. 
 
 “It is an invariable maxim,” says Campbell, 
 “that words which add nothing to the sense or to 
 the clearness must diminish the force of the ex- 
 pression.” 
 
 We sometimes hear an indiscriminate use of sin- 
 gulars and plurals in so-called good society, as: 
 “Everybody should mind their own business.” 
 “Each member of the Lodge should pay their 
 dues.” “Both minister and magistrate is compelled 
 to choose between his duty and his reputation.” It 
 would take volumes to point out all the inaccura- 
 cies of the English language in daily use, and we 
 shall not attempt a reformation in this direction, 
 but we would say to those who believe that lan- 
 guage is a growing thing, and that it is their duty to 
 aid its expansion by adding new words which they 
 consider “expressive,” “all innovations in speech, 
 every nev/ term introduced, should harmonize with 
 the general principles of the language;” remember 
 this when you are tempted to adopt into your vocab- 
 ulary any of the slang words or phrases of the day. 
 
 Slang, solecisms, vulgarisms of every kind, are op- 
 posed to correctness of speech and .propriety of 
 
 manners. 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 ^j EFINEMENT of character is never found 
 C with vulgarity of dress.” 
 
 ^ Love of beauty, even when it leads to the 
 desire of possessing it and making some efforts after 
 such possession, is not unhealthy, and belongs to the 
 love of approbation, in the absence of which society 
 would become very angular; but unhealthy love of 
 display and desire to produce effect, no matter by 
 what device and at what cost of good taste and 
 good sense, for the object of attracting notice, is a 
 quality so ugly and vain that it will destroy the true 
 power even of the greatest beauty, and leads the 
 most civilized societies into monstrous extravagan- 
 cies of fashion. — G. F. Watts, in the Nineteenth 
 Century. 
 
 Be not the first by whom the new is tried. 
 
 Nor yet the last to lay the old aside. 
 
 — Pope. 
 
 Dressing is a fine art, and as we advance in civil- 
 ization we pay more attention to the study of it, 
 and instead of following blindly Fashion’s freaks, 
 the wise woman, recognizing her obligation to so- 
 
 (200) 
 
DRESS. 
 
 201 
 
 ciety to make herself beautiful, pauses and asks 
 herself the question: Will this be becoming to me? 
 What are the reasons for this change, or why the 
 addition to or subtraction from the prevailing fash- 
 ion? Will it be best for me to adopt it, and can I af- 
 ford it? But women in America wise in the matter 
 of dress are yet m the minority. 
 
 “Clothes seem to go hand in hand with man’s 
 development as a social being.” 
 
 “Clothes have been knowledge, influence and ex- 
 pression, house and home to the wearer.” 
 
 Carlyle likens the art of dressing to that of archi- 
 tecture, and says: “This Body and the Cloth are 
 
 the site and materials whereon and whereby his 
 beautiful edifice of a Person is to be built.” 
 
 We cannot choose the site but we can the ma- 
 terial, and we can study the effect of construction 
 in reference to the site, but we seldom do this. The 
 tall woman is likely to wear stripes, and without a 
 due consideration of proportion, the short one 
 flounces. A short woman piles things on top of 
 her head to make her look tall, and a tall woman 
 pastes her hair to her head and wears flat bonnets 
 to make her seem shorter. This is contrary to the 
 rules of architecture and of sculpture. The Greeks 
 — masters of sculpture — took their models from the 
 perfect human form. We cannot all have perfect 
 forms, but it is possible to be beautiful without 
 14 
 
202 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 them. A thing of beauty is a joy forever, and it is 
 our duty as well as privilege to be beautiful. We 
 owe it to our families, to society and to ourselves. 
 True beauty does not consist of fine clothes but of 
 a symmetrically developed being; developed physi- 
 cally, mentally and morally, and clothed with be- 
 coming raiment. There are no prettier women 
 than are found among the Friends, who have the 
 true ideal. Instead of growing old and ugly they 
 grow spiritually beautiful — ripen if you please, and 
 they are always well dressed. 
 
 Beauty is mysterious; we gaze on a thing of 
 beauty and are at once captivated. We do not 
 stop to ask questions, but yield ourselves to the 
 enjoyment of the moment, to the gratification of 
 that esthetic sense or quality we call taste. To be 
 able to produce this highest enjoyment in others, 
 we must be beautiful in spirit and manner and so 
 becomingly dressed that they will not think of our 
 clothes, or if they should think we were well dressed 
 they could not tell what we had on. 
 
 All beauty is based on harmony. To be well 
 dressed is to wear the right thing at the right 
 time. One secret of the effective dressing of the 
 French women, is that they always dress appro- 
 priately to the time and place — in reference to the 
 time of day and the errand they are upon. 
 
 Dress should express the character and individu- 
 
DRESS. 
 
 203 
 
 ality of the wearer, but not of course at the expense 
 of fitness and neatness. 
 
 Essential to the refined lady is repose of mind 
 and body, neither of which can she have without 
 comfort and fitness of dress. An uncomfortably 
 dressed woman cannot look happy. A lady ex- 
 pressed the idea in our hearing recently. “ I like 
 myself so well in this costume. It is so comfortable 
 and I know it looks lady-like.” 
 
 One reason why fashions change so rapidly is 
 that everybody adopts them; “every class and 
 state ’ ’ of society puts on the same shape of gar- 
 ment, if not constructed of the same material. In 
 the Old World, servants do not copy the dress of 
 the mistress; here they not only copy them, but 
 instances have been known where in the absence of 
 the mistress, the maid actually wore her silk gown. 
 
 Not only do servants spend all their hard-earned 
 wages in finery, but the wife of the clerk and of 
 the young man just starting in business, dresses as 
 stylishly as does Madame Millionaire. And not 
 only this, but she wears her “best” to market, to 
 shop and to church. There is however improve- 
 ment in this respect. All classes of women read 
 
 and study more than formerly, and the result is a 
 broader and trper culture; a demanding of the why 
 and wherefore of certain customs and their relation 
 to everyday life. 
 
204 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 COSMETICS AND PAINTS. 
 
 It is perhaps unnecessary to say that the use of 
 cosmetics and paints is not cleanly and is morever 
 very injurious to health. It is said that Lady Cov- 
 entry — “the most beautiful of the beautiful Misses 
 Gunning,’ died at the age of twenty-seven, a cripple 
 and a great sufferer, owing to the use of cosmetics. 
 We read of many persons losing their lives through 
 the use of hair dyes. 
 
 PERFUMES. 
 
 The excessive use of perfumes is vulgar. Strong 
 perfumes are very disagreeable to delicate persons 
 and are at any rate too suggestive. A little cologne, 
 lavender, or at most new mown hay, are permissible, 
 but most persons agree with Henry Ward Beecher, 
 that, “the most agreeable smell, is no smell at all.” 
 
 EVENING DRESS FOR LADIES. 
 
 An eminent writer has defined full-dress as a cos- 
 tume with very low neck, very short sleeves, and 
 a very long train. French women often wear high 
 corsage with short sieves. English women wear 
 their gowns decollete even at the family dinner. 
 American women follow their own inclination and 
 wear high or low neck, or have the dress cut square 
 in the neck. For elderly ladies the material may be 
 silk, satin, velvet, brocade, etc., rich and dark in 
 color. Of course full toilette varies with the seasons. 
 
DRESS. 
 
 205 
 
 For young ladies, tulle, crepe, tarletan, any light 
 gossamer material, light in color, or white, is most 
 becoming for a ball or evening party. A lady’s 
 dress should be more elaborate for a ball than for a 
 dinner. She should wear her best laces and finest 
 jewels at a ball. Young ladies wear little jewelry 
 at any time. 
 
 FULL-DRESS FOR GENTLEMEN. 
 
 Full-dress for gentlemen consists of a black dress 
 suit, the coat being “swallow-tail,” the waistcoat 
 cut low, white tie, thin patent leather boots and 
 light colored kid gloves. 
 
 Gentlemen wear full-dress at dinner parties, balls, 
 theatres, operas or any evening entertainment that 
 demands full toilette of the ladies* 
 
 At weddings which take place in the evening, the 
 bride-groom and all the gentlemen wear full-dress. 
 
 MORNING DRESS FOR GENTLEMEN. 
 
 The proper morning dress for gentlemen, is dark 
 coat and vest, light trousers. 
 
 ‘ ‘At weddings, luncheons, receptions of all kinds, 
 matinees, visits of ceremony, and indeed to any- 
 thing that occurs in the day time, a gentleman 
 must wear a morning costume, no matter how grand 
 the toilettes of the ladies. Fashion and etiquette 
 demand it.” 
 
2o6 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 Morning dress is worn on Sunday evening and at 
 church. 
 
 DRESS FOR GENTLEMEN UPON OTHER OCCASIONS. 
 
 ‘'In the country, Knickerbockers are fashionable 
 day suits, and a gentleman, if he ride or walk 
 may pay a visit to familiar acquaintances in such 
 attire, but if he drive, or is visiting elderly persons 
 or strangers,” he must wear a morning dress. ^ 
 
 The dress suitable for riding is an ordinary walk- 
 ing costume. In the country, boots and felt hats 
 may be worn. 
 
 For shooting, rough coats, knickerbockers, leg- 
 gings and substantial boots. 
 
 For lawn-tennis, croquet and archery, knicker- 
 bockers are worn,. 
 
 GLOVES 
 
 are worn in the street, at a ball, at an evening 
 party, at the opera or theatre, at receptions, at 
 church, when calling, riding or driving, but not at 
 dinner. A bride-groom may wear gloves or not, as 
 he pleases. 
 
 COSTUME FOR A BALL. 
 
 The ball demands the fullest of toilettes which the 
 season admits. In this country, elderly women 
 need not go in low neck, unless they choose to, and 
 the dress of the chaperon may be the same as at a 
 dinner — a velvet or heavy silk, cut square in the 
 
DRESS. 
 
 207 
 
 neck and filled in with fine beautiful lace. Her 
 ornaments should be in keeping with the dress. 
 She may wear feathers or jewels in her hair. If she 
 wear a low-neck dress, she should throw a lace 
 shawl or something of the kind over the neck. 
 
 The young girls should wear costumes of light, 
 thin material, in light tints or white, and should 
 wear or carry natural flowers. 
 
 FOR A DINNER. 
 
 Ladies go to a dinner in what is considered full 
 costume for that season, though the lighter materi- 
 als worn at a ball, are thought to be out of place 
 at a dinner. In England low neck and short 
 sleeves are worn at dinner. 
 
 The hostess should dress richly but plainly, that 
 she may not eclipse any of her guests. 
 
 FOR A BRIDE AND BRIDESMAIDS. 
 
 A bride wears a white dress with long train, long, 
 white veil and natural flowers, no matter at what 
 hour the ceremony is performed. 
 
 Occasionally there is a bride, who, with her maids, 
 wears full dress at a morning wedding; that is, lo\v 
 neck and short sleeves; although etiquette demands 
 that the groom wear a morning costume. 
 
 AT AN AFTERNOON RECEPTION 
 
 the hostess is in full dress. Guests, both gentlemen 
 and ladies, wear street toilettes. 
 
208 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 WALKING COSTUME. 
 
 To be well dressed, is to wear the right thing at 
 the right time. Walking dress should be quiet 
 in color, simple, substantial and “in perfect har- 
 mony with itself.” All the colors should, at least, 
 harmonize, but it is better to have all one color and 
 shade. Black is becoming to every woman, but as 
 she does not dress to be seen when walking, it 
 would be well to wear it, even if she thought it not 
 becoming. 
 
 The costume may be rich or plain, but must 
 never be shabby. The gown must be short enough 
 to clear the ground, and thick, “sensible” boots 
 must be worn. 
 
 “In the city the walking dress should show some 
 degree of richness;” in the country it should be 
 tasteful but serviceable. 
 
 Bonnet, gloves and shoes should be in perfect 
 taste and accord, of course, with the rest of the 
 costume. 
 
 CARRIAGE DRESS 
 
 may be rich as one pleases or can afford. Says 
 Mrs. Sherwood: “Light-colored silks, sweeping 
 
 trains, bonnets very gay and garnished with feath- 
 ers, lace parasols and light gloves, are fit for carri- 
 ages at the races, but they are out of place for 
 walking in the streets.” The carriage dress may 
 
DRESS. 
 
 209 
 
 have a train or be the ordinary walking length, and 
 the material will vary with the season. 
 
 If the lady drives herself, she should wear gloves 
 suitable for handling the reins. 
 
 VISITING COSTUMES 
 
 are worn when paying ceremonious visits, to after- 
 noon receptions, etc., and are of richer material 
 than the ordinary walking dress. Velvet and bro- 
 cade are favorite fabrics, but plain satin and black 
 silk are much worn. 
 
 FOR ARCHERY, CROQUET AND LAWN-TENNIS, 
 
 the players dress in flannel made for the purpose. 
 The dress of the lady is a short skirt and a jersey, 
 the latter being indispensible to the free use of the 
 arms. 
 
 If a lawn-party is given, the hostess and her 
 daughters should receive on the lawn in their 
 bonnets. 
 
 FOR YACHTING, 
 
 ladies wear flannel suits of navy blue or white, or 
 serge or tweed, with jaunty sailor hats and heavy 
 boots. Sometimes a black silk suit is worn. What- 
 ever the material of the dress, it should be warm 
 and durable. A warm wrap of some sort should 
 always be provided. 
 
2 I O 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 OPERA AND THEATRE. 
 
 Under this heading we give the customs for dress 
 in New York, as given by the graceful pen of -the 
 author of Social Etiquette of New York: 
 
 “Among the conspiring causes which make the 
 enjoyment of an opera too infrequent is costume. 
 If a lady wears a full toilet she must ride in a car- 
 riage. If she goes in visiting dress she cannot prop- 
 erly occupy a box, even if one be placed at her dis- 
 posal, because she would appear like an ugly weed 
 in a gay garden of brilliant blossoms. For the same 
 reason she cannot properly make calls in the boxes 
 during the intervals of music, if she is soberly clad, 
 and the same applies in part to the gentleman who 
 is in matinee toilet. 
 
 “The new etiquette regarding costume at places of 
 public amusement began only lately to shape itself 
 into a formality in New York. It is now considered 
 quite proper for a gentleman to attend an opera in 
 a matinee suit, provided seats have been taken else- 
 where than in a box, but he is limited in his visits 
 between the acts to such of his acquaintances as 
 are also in demi-toilet, unless he goes to the foyer 
 to chat with promenaders. The latter pleasure has 
 long been one of the agreeable parts of the enter- 
 tainment in Europe, and the custom of going out 
 with ladies between the acts is rapidly coming into 
 vogue in this country. 
 
DRESS. 
 
 2 I I 
 
 “If a gentleman is in full dress he may visit any- 
 where in the house, but he will not seat himself in 
 the orchestra or in the dress circle, because his 
 toilet will appear out of harmony with the soberer 
 garments about him. He may properly wear gloves 
 when he is not in evening dress, as this slight for- 
 mality of attire is in keeping with the style of his 
 costume. If he wears a dress coat and an evening 
 necktie, it is permissible for him to appear without 
 gloves. 
 
 “If a lady is invited by a gentleman to attend the 
 opera it is proper for him to inquire if she prefers 
 to occupy a box, or at least to state to her what 
 place he proposes to offer her. If she accepts a 
 seat in a box it is tie rigiteur that she go unbon- 
 neted, and at least that she wear a light opera cloak, 
 even if she does not array herself in full evening 
 dress. If she is to be seated elsewhere she should 
 always wear a bonnet, which may be as gay and as 
 pretty as she pleases. It is not considered a breach 
 of etiquette for a gentleman to escort ladies to the 
 opera by any one of the public conveyances, pro- 
 vided street toilets are worn, and a lady of delicacy 
 or consideration, when she accepts an invitation, 
 will mention her desire to go in this unostentatious 
 manner, should circumstances make it proper. 
 
 “The providing of costly apparel is the largest ex- 
 pense and the heaviest weariness for a lady whose 
 fondness for good music is really profound and sin- 
 
212 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 cere, .and there are not a few among fortune’s favor- 
 ites who prefer the refined and unostentatious quiet 
 of the less dressy parts of the house, just because 
 their preparations for the evening are thus made so 
 much less tiresome and distracting. A lady can go 
 from her own dinner table, bonneted, wrapped and 
 gloved, and ready to luxuriate in the blisses of har- 
 monious sounds. * * * individual 
 
 who loves color, warmth and beauty but feels all 
 the more grateful to those who add their charms of 
 gorgeousness in silks, laces, velvets and jewels to 
 the opera, because they themselves have been ex- 
 cused by circumstances from feeling compelled to 
 lend their own persons and possessions to intensify 
 this magnificence. 
 
 ^‘An evening bonnet and light gloves are consid- 
 ered by our best society as the height of dressing 
 for a public theatre or a concert, unless there is 
 some prearranged understanding that a wandering 
 star in the musical or dramatic firmament is to be 
 especially honored, and that a fine toilet is to be 
 one of the methods of expressing respectful admi- 
 ration. 
 
 “Gentlemen need never wear full dress unless the 
 ladies do; albeit, when no lady is expected to be in 
 grand costume, a gentleman may select whichever 
 style of garment he pleases. The delicate senti- 
 ment which would deter him from going in full dress 
 to the opera, when the ladies whom he accompanies 
 
DRESS. 
 
 213 
 
 are not so attired, need not be considered at a con- 
 cert where one lady is presumably as well costumed 
 as another. There are many ways by which a 
 tasteful lady will brighten a sober garb without ex- 
 hausting her purse or worrying her mind and hands. 
 She will do this in grateful appreciation of the lately 
 approved custom of going to the opera and to the 
 concert-room, and even into a proscenium box at a 
 theatre in a pretty visjting dress. She can afford 
 to enjoy the theatre, good music and the opera 
 many more times during the winter on this account, 
 and the gentleman who does not feel compelled to 
 escort a lady in a carriage can indulge in these lux- 
 uries twice or three times as often because of this 
 lately established etiquette in matters of dress.” 
 
 FOR CHURCH, FOR READINGS, 
 
 for a morning concert, the dress should be plain and 
 simple, with dark hat also plain. It is not in good 
 taste to wear a dressy bonnet in the street or to dis- 
 play an elaborate toilet in church. 
 
 Grand toilets are worn upon all occasions where 
 they may be said to be part of the entertainment 
 and contribute to its enjoyment; but divine worship 
 needs no concomitant finery and good music reaches 
 the soul through the ear without the aid of the eye. 
 Fine clothes would have a tendency to distract from 
 the fullest enjoyment of either sermon or music. 
 
214 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 RIDING-DRESS. 
 
 The habit should fit perfectly without being tight. 
 The skirt should be full and long enough to cover 
 the feet, but not long enough to entangle them in 
 case of accident. Leglets of the same materia] 
 should take the place of the petticoat. Strong 
 boots and gauntlet gloves should be worn. 
 
 Broadcloth is the best material for a riding cos- 
 tume. The skirt should be weighted down by 
 stitching shot at the bottom of the breadth of the 
 left side. 
 
 Linen collar and cuffs and black necktie should 
 be worn with this dress. 
 
 A stiff silk hat and veil are the best head dress 
 for riding. 
 
 MOURNING COSTUMES 
 
 are given in the chapter on funerals and mourning, 
 and need not be repeated here, but we will add 
 what Mrs. Sherwood says about “complimentary 
 mourning.” “ The dress is now made very elegant 
 and dressy. Black and white in all the changes, 
 and black bugles and bead trimming, all the shades 
 of lilac and of purple, are considered by the French 
 as proper colors and trimmings in going out of 
 black; while for full mourning the English still pre- 
 serve the cap, weepers and veil, the plain muslin 
 collar and cuffs, the crepe dress, large black silk 
 cloak, crepe bonnet and veil. Heavy, ostentatious 
 
DRESS. 
 
 215 
 
 and expensive habiliments are often worn in mourn- 
 ing, but they are not in the best taste. The 
 plain-surfaced black silks are commendable.” 
 
 APPROPRIATENESS 
 
 as to age, time, place, surroundings, and pecuniary 
 circumstances, is indispensable to the man or 
 woman who would feel at ease because of being 
 well dressed. In fact one’s clothes should be so 
 much a part of herself that after being properly 
 dressed, she should not think of them again. 
 
 With the constant changing of fashions one can- 
 not give rules for the “ cut and make” of garments 
 for every season and occasion. Women of wealth 
 and leisure can procure the aid of the modiste, but 
 to the woman of small means, we would make a 
 few suggestions on 
 
 ECONOMY IN DRESS. 
 
 “The largest economy,” says one, “of course, 
 lies in using those things which are most appropri- 
 ate to one’s means, and will last the longest; but 
 this is a kind of saving impossible to those who 
 have not at least a small capital, which is the easiest 
 explanation of the oft repeated saying that the poor 
 are more extravagant than the rich.” 
 
 Gaudy colors, or a dress which is striking for any 
 reason, should be worn only by women who have 
 many changes of rainment, as, if worn often she 
 
DRESS. 
 
 2 I 6 
 
 comes to be known by her dress — a conspicuous- 
 ness that no woman courts. Even if it is “ made 
 over” it is still a tell-tale. A plain dress on the other 
 hand can be “readjusted” and be made to do duty 
 almost- as well as a new one. 
 
 If you can afford but one best dress, you can make 
 different “ costumes ” with it, by wearing it one day 
 with lace at the throat (the dress turned in) and 
 wrists; the next day with high neck, linen collar and 
 cuffs. 
 
 Every woman should have one or two good pieces 
 of lace, as it will be a saving in the end, if carefully 
 worn and used, not eveiy day of course but on 
 occasions. Valenciennes is the cheapest because the 
 strongest lace and can be washed many times. • 
 
 Never buy anything that is not good and lasting. 
 Some ladies make the mistake of thinking they 
 must not wear the same dress many times. If a 
 lady alone, or she and her dress-maker can find out 
 just what is becoming to her peculiar “style,” she 
 can adopt that with slight variations and individu- 
 alize the costume, which is less trouble to her than 
 to change with every changing fashion and is a great 
 economy. 
 
 One should choose colors which harmonize with 
 each other and confine one’s self to them, such as 
 gray, black, purple, blue, yellow, white, etc., and 
 buy no others, so that in making over garments one 
 can be used with another and nothing be wasted. 
 
DRESS. 
 
 2\f 
 
 It is economy to have several pairs of boots. 
 They need rest and change, as you do yourself. 
 Square heels are the best for walking boots. When 
 they become worn, polish them with the blacking 
 that comes in boxes and don’t use the liquid black- 
 ing; it cracks the leather and soon ruins it. Fine 
 calf-skin, well fitted and nicely polished, makes a 
 pretty and economical boot*. 
 
 It is well, too, to have several pairs of gloves, for 
 different occasions. Don’t wear party gloves ta 
 church, nor church gloves to do your marketing in. 
 
 The “economist” will do well to do her shop- 
 ping late in the season or out of season, as material 
 . is then much cheaper. Of course, this applies to 
 plain goods that will not go out of fashion, and one 
 of moderate means cannot afford to buy anything 
 that will last but one season, excepting, of course,, 
 hats and bonnets. 
 
 Whalebones which are supposed to be indispen- 
 sable, are not so and they wear out the dress. 
 
 A street dress should never be worn in the house 
 if it can be avoided, as it wears it too much. 
 
 Boots, gloves and bonnet may be said to make 
 the style of the costume, and they must harmonize 
 with the dress. 
 
 15 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THE TOILET. 
 
 [ T is the duty of every woman to be beautiful. 
 “Female beauty is a power that will always 
 be recognized in the world,” says a recent 
 writer. ‘ ‘ ‘ Only men and queens can afford to be 
 ugly. ’ Accordingly the so-called fair sex must, 
 and of 'right ought, to pay the intensest attention 
 to the powers of attraction which God has given 
 them.” The same writer tells of an old lady, who 
 at seventy years of age, was as charming, fresh and 
 lively as any woman at thirty, and gives as the 
 secret of this retention of health, youth and beauty, 
 a daily rain-water bath. We reserve our comments 
 upon this until further on in this chapter. 
 
 The first requisite in a true woman is purity of 
 mind ; the second cleanliness of person. This 
 should be and is true of man as well as of woman. 
 Real gentlemen and ladies, attend scrupulously to 
 the minor details of the toilet. Want of time is 
 no excuse for their neglect, as half an hour, or at 
 most, three-quarters, is all that is necessary for the 
 dressing-room work, including the bath, with fric- 
 tion. If you feel that this is too much time, sleep 
 
 less; that is, rise half an hour earlier and you will 
 
 (218) 
 
THE TOILET. 
 
 219 
 
 find the bath will benefit you more than the sleep; 
 besides you will feel more respectable. 
 
 lady’s dressing-room. 
 
 Have your toilet-room as convenient and as 
 well supplied with the necessary articles as you can 
 afford, but if you should have to make your bed- 
 room do double duty, you can arrange it accord- 
 ingly. From a sanitary point of view, a bedroom 
 should contain nothing but a bed, table and a chair 
 or two, with rugs upon the floor instead of carpets. 
 
 For the dressing-room there should be a low 
 dressing-bureau with an easy chair in front of it, 
 a washstand, one or two chairs, a couch, if space 
 permits and plenty of closet room, or if that is not 
 possible, a large wardrobe. We have seen a very 
 respectable wardrobe made by placing three brack- 
 ets upon the wall — about three feet apart — and six 
 feet from the floor. A wooden shelf was placed 
 upon the brackets and a heavy curtain then tacked 
 on the edge of the shelf. Hooks for clothing were 
 placed beneath the shelf. The shelf and curtain 
 protected the clothing from dust, etc. 
 
 The dressing-bureau should contain the lady’s 
 dressing-case, jewel-case, manicure-tray, pin-cush- 
 ion and hairpin-basket. Also a bottle of pure sweet 
 oil, and a bottle of glycerine prepared, as follows: 
 One ounce of glycerine, one ounce of rosewater and 
 ten drops of carbolic acid. 
 
220 
 
 THE TOILET. 
 
 The usual “ furnishing” for a washstand is a large 
 wash-bowl and pitcher, soap-tray, small pitcher and 
 glass, tray (china) containing two tooth-brushes and 
 nail-brushes, a sponge-basket with a large and 
 small sponge in it, and a bottle of ammonia. Be- 
 neath the washstand should be placed the foot- 
 bath. 
 
 Plenty of hooks should be provided, upon which 
 to suspend dressing-gowns, dresses just removed 
 or about to be worn, or any article to be used gen- 
 erally or immediately. 
 
 Of course, the lady’s dresses, skirts, etc., are 
 hung carefully away in the closet or wardrobe, or 
 laid, smoothly folded, upon a shelf -or in the draw- 
 ers of the dressing-bureau. This latter treatment 
 is better for very fine dresses than hanging them up. 
 
 A gentleman’s dressing-room 
 
 differs very little in its appointments from a lady’s 
 dressing-room. 
 
 Of course his dressing-bureau will be supplied 
 with razor and all the articles necessary for shav- 
 ing, while it will not contain such things as are 
 used only by ladies. 
 
 Somewhere in his room he will have a boot-stand 
 or case, boot-jacks and boot-hooks. 
 
 A gentleman should never hang up his vests or 
 trousers, but should fold them neatly — just as he 
 
THE TOILET. 
 
 22 I 
 
 received them from the tailor — and place them in 
 drawers. 
 
 THE BATH. 
 
 The bath is a most important subject and should 
 receive more study and attention than is usually 
 given it. There are families who understand the 
 hygiene and morality of the daily bath, but the 
 large majority think if -they can “wash and be 
 clean” once a week or even once a fortnight, that 
 is all-sufficient. We should bathe not to become 
 clean but to remain clean. 
 
 Most city houses have a separate bath-room, 
 with hot and cold water; unfortunately this is not 
 the rule in country houses, but the exception. 
 However, the absence of these conveniences is no 
 excuse for neglect of the person. If a sponge bath 
 is not sufficient, there may be a temporary bath- 
 room made of the dressing-room by laying upon 
 the floor a large oil-cloth and placing a bath-tub 
 upon it. Some one in a recent newspaper article 
 tells how a famdly in the country arranged a bath- 
 tub without a bath-room in the following manner: 
 “The house was so small for the family that there 
 was no room to spare for a bath-room, but it fort- 
 unately had a good, large kitchen. Upon one side 
 of the kitchen stands the bath-tub, cased in with 
 pine boards. Above this casing is a movable board 
 six or eight inches wide, and the whole is covered 
 
222 
 
 THE TOILET. 
 
 by a smoothly planed board or boards, hung by 
 hinges against the wall. When the board is let 
 down over the tub it forms a kitchen table about 
 seven feet long and four feet wide, and those not 
 in the secret would not suspect what is beneath it. 
 A lead pipe carries the water off through the same 
 channel that takes it from the kitchen sink.” 
 
 There are many kinds of baths, both hot and 
 cold — the shower-bath, the hip-bath, the sponge- 
 bath, the douche, etc. 
 
 The shower-bath is seldom used, and is danger- 
 ous except to the most robust and vigorous. 
 
 The hip-bath and the sponge-bath are always 
 safe, and one or the other, or at least a bath of 
 some kind, should be taken every morning, summer 
 and winter. The temperature should be made to 
 suit the individual, always observing the rule to let 
 the temperature of the room be several degrees 
 warmer than the water. 
 
 A daily bath of salt-water is not only refreshing 
 but cleansing. Soap may be used for the hands 
 and neck. Cold water is invigorating, but it is 
 thought to be too great a drain on the vitality of 
 most women; besides it is bad for the skin. A 
 tepid bath, therefore, is generally the best. A 
 desh-brush and coarse towel should be used. 
 
 Before beginning the bath the head should be 
 wet with cold water, no matter what the tempera- 
 ture of the bath is. 
 
THE TOILET. 
 
 223 
 
 After the ordinary bath is finished, it is well to 
 remain as long as possible without clothing, in or- 
 der to get the benefit of the air upon all parts of 
 the body, and if accessible the sun should shine 
 upon it. The sun-bath is claimed by some physi- 
 cians to be even more beneficial than the water- 
 bath. When Victor Hugo was banished to the Is- 
 land of Gurnsey, he had the roof of his house 
 made flat, with a railing around the edge, in order 
 that he might live upon it if he desired. Every 
 morning, rain or shine, hot or cold, the great man 
 took his air-bath, running briskly around the roof a 
 number of times. He would then retire to his 
 room, rub himself with a coarse towel, “make his 
 toilet ” and be ready for work. 
 
 THE TEETH. 
 
 The teeth should be carefully brushed after each 
 meal, as well as at night and in the morning, with 
 a soft brush. A little fine salt and occasionally a 
 little white Castile soap, are the only “dentifrices’^ 
 necessary. Avoid too hot or too cold drinks; they 
 injure the enamel of the teeth. 
 
 Neglect of the teeth causes tainted breath. It 
 is said that the common parsley will remove the 
 effect of tobacco from the breath. (This is for 
 gentlemen; ladies, of course, never use tobacco.) 
 Next to tobacco and “liquid stimulants” onions are 
 the worst to taint the breath. Do not eat them. 
 
224 
 
 THE TOILET. 
 
 If the breath is habitually unpleasant, consult a 
 physician; he will probably tell you it is caused by 
 indigestion. 
 
 THE HAIR. 
 
 • The hair requires much care; it should never be 
 slighted. It should be brushed for twenty minutes, 
 night and morning, by a brush kept clean by fre- 
 quent washings in warm water and soda. 
 
 In brushing or combing, begin at the ends of the 
 hair, holding the upper portion firmly in the left 
 hand. 
 
 Use no oils, or pomatums. The natural oil 
 secreted by the “ covering of the human head” is 
 usually all that is necessary. If, however, the hair 
 is harsh and dry, a little pure, unscented olive oil 
 may be used; apply with the hand or a soft flannel 
 cloth. 
 
 The skin of the head should be kept very clean. 
 A daily rubbing with a little salt water is excellent. 
 Ammonia and water is also good, The brushing 
 recommended for the hair, should extend also to 
 the scalp.” An occasional washing with soft 
 warm water and the yolks of eggs, is better than 
 the '‘shampooings ” and scrubbings of the barber. 
 
 It is well to clip the ends of the hair once a 
 month. 
 
 Never bleach, blondine'' or dye the hair. It is 
 impossible to obtain a color in this way that will 
 
THE TOILET. 
 
 225 
 
 harmonize with the complexion, and any attempt to 
 do so, ends with disfiguring the person who resorts 
 to it. 
 
 Gentlemen become bald from the persistent wear- 
 ing of stiff hats. The hat should never be worn in 
 the house or office. Hats should be made of such 
 material and in such way as to be well ventilated. 
 
 If the hair turn gray before you think it ought, 
 don’t tamper with it. Let it alone. There is noth- 
 ing more beautiful than clean, white hair. 
 
 THE EYELASHES AND BROWS 
 
 are sometimes improved (?) upon by penciling and 
 other foolishness. They should be carefully brushed 
 in the natural direction. It is claimed that they 
 may be lengthened by careful, occasional trimming 
 in childhood. 
 
 With regard to coloring the brows and lashes, 
 perhaps exception should be made in the case of 
 such as are white, or flaxen. A little india ink ap- 
 plied will give them tone. 
 
 THE SKIN 
 
 can be kept beautiful and healthful only by perfect 
 cleanliness, correct diet and habits, and a scrupulous 
 avoidance of cosmetics. A physiologist gives the 
 following rules for the preservation of the com 
 plexion: “Rise early and go to bed early. Take 
 
 plenty of exercise. Use plenty of cold water, and 
 
THE TOILET. 
 
 226 
 
 good soap frequently. Be moderate in eating and 
 drinking. Do not lace. Avoid as much as possible 
 the vitiated atmosphere of crowded assemblies. 
 Shun cosmetics and washes for the skin. The latter 
 dry the skin, and only defeat the end they are sup- 
 posed to have in view.” 
 
 Moles upon the face should be treated by a sur- 
 geon. 
 
 Freckles, if they are constitutional, let them 
 alone; you can do nothing to remove them. If they 
 are “summer freckles,” that is, if they are produced 
 by exposure to the sun and air, they may be removed 
 by one of the following recipes: 
 
 Make a paste of one ounce of bitter almonds, 
 an ounce of barley-flour and enough honey to give 
 it consistency. Apply to the face and hands at 
 night and wash off in the morning. Then with a 
 camel’ s-hair brush apply a lotion, made of half 
 a pint of rain-water, one drachm of muriatic acid 
 and a teaspoonful of lavender-water. 
 
 Sometimes the following treatment will produce 
 the desired result: Wash the skin with elder-flower 
 
 water, or what is better “Godfrey’s Extract of 
 Elder Flowers,” apply cold cream, and in the morn- 
 ing wash off with rose-water. 
 
 Another remedy is, one ounce of alum, an ounce 
 of lemon-juice, in a pint of rose-water. 
 
 The best thing for “summer freckles” is to pre- 
 vent their appearance by careful diet, regular exer- 
 
THE TOILET. 
 
 227 
 
 cise in the open air and wearing hats that will 
 protect the face from the sun, and veils when the 
 wind blows. When going for a long drive in the 
 country, the face may be protected by wearing a 
 mask (the girls used to call it an “ ugly,”) made of 
 green or yellow flannel cut to fit the face, as nearly 
 as may be, with openings cut in for the eyes, nose 
 and mouth and tied with ribbons at the back of the 
 head. This is not the most comfortable thing in 
 the world, especially on a hot day, but you will be 
 delighted to find how nice your complexion is when 
 you remove the mask or “ ugly ” at night. 
 
 If too nervous to endure the mask, rub the face 
 with pure glycerine and dust on fine flour starch 
 till you have made a coating all over the exposed 
 parts including the neck. Wash off before retiring, 
 with rose-water, or extract of elder flowers. 
 
 The face should never be washed when much 
 heated; especially not with cold water. Sudden 
 transitions from heat to cold crack the skin. 
 The face should be wiped with a soft towel or ker- 
 chief or with a flannel cloth dipped in the follow- 
 ing preparation; gl3merine one ounce, rose- water 
 one ounce and carbolic acid ten drops. For nearly 
 every occasion and under nearly all circumstances, 
 this is better than pure glycerine. No one, man or 
 woman, should ever be without a bottle in the 
 dressing-room. 
 
 To prevent a shiny, “polished” complexion — 
 
228 
 
 THE TOILET. 
 
 which is due to an unusual secretion of fatty matter 
 by the skin — use the following preparation twice a 
 day; 
 
 Mix with one quart of camphor water, half an 
 ounce of powdered borax and an ounce of pure 
 glycerine. This also prevents chapped hands, re- 
 moves sun-burn, and keeps the pores in good condi- 
 tion. It is said to be also a cure for tendency to 
 redness of the nose. 
 
 Another healing and refreshing wash, is a prepa- 
 ration of tincture of benzoin, two ounces in a pint 
 of pure alcohol. Apply with a soft sponge. 
 
 For a pallid skin, a tepid bath every morning, 
 followed by vigorous friction with coarse towel and 
 flesh-brush and exercise in the open air, are the best 
 remedies. 
 
 TO REMOVE WRINKLES. 
 
 One invariable rule is, “ Never use cold water on 
 the face.” The hotter the water the better. 
 
 Among the many recipes recommended by sup- 
 posed good authorities we select several: 
 
 Put some powder of best myrrh upon an iron 
 plate sufficiently heate4 to melt the gum gently> 
 and when it liquifies cover your head with a nap- 
 kin arid hold your face over the myrrh at a proper 
 distance to receive the fumes without inconven- 
 ience. If it causes headache do net use it. 
 
 Melt white wax, one ounce, to a gentle heat, and 
 add juice of lily bulbs, two ounces; honey, two 
 
THE TOILET. 
 
 229 
 
 ounces; rosewater, two drachms, and attar of roses, 
 two drops. Use twice a day. 
 
 A remedy, said to be in use by Spanish women, 
 is to boil the whites of four eggs in rosewater and 
 add alum, a half ounce; sweet almond oil, a half 
 ounce. Beat the whole to a paste. 
 
 Another is, sublimate, four grains; hydro-chlo- 
 rate ammonia, four grains; milk of almonds half a 
 pint. Mix in a glass vessel and apply frequently. 
 
 One similar to the first given here adds, after 
 smoking the face over the myrrh three times, heat 
 the “shovel” again and pour upon it two teaspoon- 
 fuls of white wine, steaming the face with it three 
 times. This treatment is to be repeated night and 
 morning until the desired effect is gained. 
 
 Vasaline rubbed on the face and neck faithfullly 
 every night will postpone the appearance of wrinkles. 
 This should be applied also before going into the 
 hot sun for long drives or walks, or before begin- 
 ning any domestic work in heated rooms. 
 
 “ Sleeping with the imperceptible dust of the day 
 in the skin, clogging and griming it, is a great cause 
 of wrinkles.” 
 
 It is said that cocoa butter will soften and nour- 
 ish the skin. 
 
 These things are all very well in their places; 
 they are all right. Cleanliness is not only next to 
 godliness, but is a part of godliness. Yet we may 
 scrub and polish the outside till death overtakes us 
 
230 
 
 THE TOILET. 
 
 and not produce a beautiful face, if we do not pol- 
 ish the life within. 
 
 If we do not wash away all selfishness and gross- 
 ness and refine the character from the center of life, 
 it must tell upon -the surface. 
 
 This was undoubtedly the secret of the beauty of 
 the seventy-years-old lady who had always bathed 
 in rain water. Her mind was at peace, her heart 
 unselfish, and the serenity of her inner life shone 
 upon her physically clean face — the unerring index 
 of the soul. 
 
 TO CURE MOSQUITO BITES. 
 
 To a strong solution of alum water — as strong as 
 can be made — add one-fourth of aromatic vinegar, 
 and one-fifth of glycerine. It will cure instantly. 
 
 COLD CREAM. 
 
 To make cold cream melt together a pint of sweet 
 oil, half an ounce of spermaceti, and two ounces of 
 white wax. Add whatever odor you prefer. 
 
 ROSEWATER. 
 
 Rosewater may be made as follows: Half an 
 
 ounce of powdered white sugar, two drachms of 
 magnesia and twelve drops of attar of roses. Add 
 a quart of rain water and two ounces of alcohol. 
 Mix and filter through blotting paper. 
 
 JEWELRY 
 
 may be cleaned with soap and warm water, scrub- 
 bing gently with a soft nail-brush. 
 
CHAPTER XVm. 
 
 TITLES, ADDRESSES AND SIGNATURES. 
 
 ^Sn^HERE are Titles of Dignity, which include all 
 the designations expressive of the monarchial 
 position; Titles of Possession, which refer to 
 territories and dominions; Titles of Relationship, 
 of Religion, and of Courtesy. 
 
 “Titles of Honor are words and phrases used for 
 marking and distinguishing the rank or station of 
 persons to whom they are assigned and appropri- 
 ated. Whatever may have been their actual or 
 verbal origin, it is certain that among most nations 
 which have made any considerable progress in civil- 
 ization, their immediate derivation has been, in the 
 great majority of cases, from some kind of public 
 office, or employment, as Mr. Freeman has pointed 
 out in Longmari s Magazine, the principal excep- 
 tions to this rule are merely complimentary ad- 
 ditions which it is usual to accord in Europe and 
 America to persons who have no ascertained place 
 or precedence in the social scale.” 
 
 In Great Britain the Crown is the fountain head 
 of honor, and “ may confer upon any of its sub- 
 jects such titles, rank and place as may seem to it 
 desirable.” 
 
232 
 
 TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 PRECEDENCE. 
 
 Precedence was made the subject of legislation 
 towards the middle of the sixteenth century. In 
 1539 an act was passed by Parliament — at the in- 
 stance of the King — which defined the relative rank 
 of the members of the royal family, of the officers of 
 state, of the hierarchy and of the peerage. It would 
 be out of place to give here the list of precedences, 
 but it may help some embryonic minister to the 
 Court of St. James to give the principal titles, man- 
 ner of address, etc. 
 
 In our own country these matters are decided 
 differently, or rather they are not decided at all. 
 
 TITLES OF DIGNITY. 
 
 At the present time all emperors are imperial 
 majesties; kings are majesties; grand dukes, royal 
 highnesses; and all reigning sovereigns are high- 
 nesses of some sort. 
 
 Imperial highness or royal highness is the proper 
 title of the sons and daughters of emperors and 
 kings; serene highness or highness belong to mem- 
 bers of princely families. 
 
 TITLES OF COURTESY. 
 
 In Great Britain, grace is the title of dukes and 
 duchesses, and lordship and ladyship, of all other 
 grades of the peerage. Dukes and duchesses, are 
 styled most noble; marquises and marchionesses. 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 233 
 
 most honorable; and all other peers and peeresses, 
 lords ^nd ladies by courtesy. 
 
 Privy councilors and the lord mayor of London 
 are styled right honorable. Honorable is the title 
 of the younger sons of earls, the sons and daughters 
 of viscounts and barons, and judges of the high 
 court of justice. 
 
 Viceroys, ambassadors and governors, are excel- 
 lencies. 
 
 The simple governor of an oriental province, after 
 a long list of titles, adds, of courtesy, nutmeg’ 
 
 of consolation and rose of delight, 
 
 RELIGIOUS TITLES. 
 
 Archbishops are most reverend; bishops, right 
 reverend; deans, very reverend; archdeacons, ven- 
 erable; and all clergymen, reverend. The pope is 
 his holiness; cardinals are eminences. 
 
 AMERICAN TITLES. 
 
 When congress first met, in 1789, its members 
 spent some time in discussing the title of the chief 
 executive. A committee was appointed by the sen- 
 ate to decide upon a title, and reported the follow- 
 ing: “His Highness the President of the United 
 
 States of America, and Protector of their Liberties,’' 
 to which the house promptly objected, and finally 
 both houses agreed to the plain title of president. 
 
 The only titles recognized by American law, are 
 
 16 
 
234 
 
 TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 those which distinguish rank in the army and navy. 
 Thus the titles, which we use so profusely, are only 
 ours by cou|:tesy, and we are much more lavish in 
 their use and bestowal, than in countries where so- 
 cial distinctions are regulated by law. 
 
 By courtesy, we give the title of His Excellency 
 to the president of the United States, the governors 
 of the states and to the ministers to foreign coun- 
 tries. The Honorable, is given to the judges of 
 the Supreme Court, the various members of the 
 cabinet, the members of the Senate and House of 
 Representatives, the chief officers of the executive, 
 legislative and judicial branches of state govern- 
 ments, the mayor and aldermen of city governments. 
 
 Esquire, though an English title applied legally 
 to the sons of peers, the eldest sons of peers’ sons, 
 the sons of baronets, justices of the peace, mayors, 
 sheriffs and a number of others, has been applied 
 indiscriminately to men having no other title, but 
 we are coming to apply it more to members of the 
 legal profession. 
 
 Our religious titles, as far as we have need of 
 them, are the same as in England. 
 
 Our titles of Profession are so well known they 
 need not be given. 
 
 It is not considered good breeding to repeat titles 
 frequently in conversation, though in correspondence 
 they should be used in the letter and given in full 
 in the address on the envelope. In speaking to the 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 235 
 
 President of the United States, you may call him 
 “Mr. President; ” in writing, the address should be, 
 “To His Excellency, the President of the United 
 States,” or “To His Excellency, Benjamin F. Har- 
 rison, President of the United States.” The secre- 
 tary of state should be addressed: 
 
 To The Honorable, 
 
 The Secretary of State, 
 
 Washington, 
 
 D. C. 
 
 The other cabinet officers are similarly addressed. 
 To our other Honorables, we write: 
 
 Hon. William B. Johnson, 
 
 United States Senate, 
 
 Washington, D. C., 
 
 abbreviating the honorable, and it is not consid- 
 ered discourteous. In fact, we abbreviate every- 
 thing, except reverend, and we do not always take 
 time to write that out. Professional titles, as D. 
 D.; LL. D.; Prof.; M. D., are very properly ab- 
 breviated. 
 
 Write them thus: 
 
 The Right Reverend, 
 
 William Hillis, 
 
 Bishop of Iowa, 
 
 Dubuque, Iowa. 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 The Rev. James Brown, D. D. 
 
 The Rev. John Smith, L L. D. 
 
 The Rev. Jacob Schriner. 
 
 The Rev. Miss Brown, or 
 
 The Rev. Miss Mary C. Brown, or 
 
 The Rev. Mary C. Brown. 
 
 Charles Fuller, M. D., or 
 Dr. Charles Fuller. 
 
 Mrs. Dr. Henderson, or 
 Mrs. Dr. Eliza Henderson, or 
 Eliza Henderson, M. D. 
 
 John Stuart, Esq., LL. D. 
 
 Mr. John Smith, or 
 John Smith, Esq. 
 
 But it should never be written Mr. John Smith, 
 Esq. We also abbreviate military|and 'naval titles. 
 The following list shows the 
 
 RANK AND PRECEDENCE OF MILITARY OFFICERS, 
 with the abbreviations used: 
 
 1. Gen. — General. 
 
 2. Lieut. “Gen. — Lieutenant-General. 
 
 3. Maj.-Gen. — Major-General. 
 
 4 . Brig.-Gen. — Brigadier-General. 
 
 5. Col. — Colonel. 
 
 6. Lieut. -Col. — Lieutenant-Colonel. 
 
 7. Maj.— Major. 
 
 8. Capt. — Captain. 
 
 9. First Lieut. — First Lieutenant. 
 
 10. Sec. Lieut. — Second Lieutenant. 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 237 
 
 NAVAL OFFICERS. 
 
 1. Adm. — Admiral. 
 
 2. Vice- Adm. — Vice-Admiral. 
 
 3. Rear- Adm. — Rear-Admiral. 
 
 4. Com. — Commodore. 
 
 5. Capt. — Captain. 
 
 6. Comd. — Commander. 
 
 7. Lieut. -Comd. — Lieutenant-Commander. 
 
 The rank or precedence in each grade, is deter- 
 mined by the date of commission, appointment or 
 warrant. 
 
 Our mosCcommon titles are Mr., Mrs. and Miss; 
 and Sir and Madam. The author of the “Bazar 
 Book of Decorum,” says: The ordinary “Sir” and 
 
 “Madam,” to one of which we all consider ourselves 
 more or less entitled, are uttered with a frequency 
 and an emphasis which, though evidently intended 
 to^be courteous, would be regarded in England as 
 impolite. We seem to have borrowed our manners 
 in this respect from the French, who lose no oppor- 
 tunity of announcing the “ Monsieur,” or “ Madam,” 
 and “Mademoiselle.” Our English relatives avoid 
 the repetition of the “Sir,” “Madam ” and “ Miss,” 
 except when they desire to express a certain degree 
 of coldness *or severity, and a sense of superiority 
 or inferiority. Servants, they say must always 
 remember their “My Lords” and “My Ladies,” 
 
238 TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 and their ‘ ' Masters ” and “Misses,” and gentle- 
 men carefully forget them.” 
 
 Gentlemen, mere acquaintances and servants, 
 address a young unmarried lady as Miss Blank, 
 both in notes and speech; her family and intimate 
 friends call her by her Christian name, and it is not 
 considered in good taste to speak to or of her other- 
 wise. An unmarried lady who is no longer youngs 
 should always be addressed and mentioned as Miss 
 by every one, except her own family. The family 
 of a young unmarried lady, should, in speaking to a 
 social inferior, call her Miss. 
 
 A married lady should always be called Mrs. — 
 except by her family, who may give her her baptis- 
 mal name in speaking to her, and of her to friends, but 
 not to mere acquaintances. In writing to a married 
 lady the envelope is always addressed to her hus- 
 band’ s name, as Mrs. James Carter, except it be a 
 business note which concerns her personally. 
 
 A stranger or mere acquaintance will in the 
 superscription of the letter designate her as ‘‘ Dear 
 Madam;” a less formal note will begin with “Dear 
 Mrs. Carter;” a more cordial one with “My dear 
 Mrs. Carter.” 
 
 Formal letters begin as follows: 
 
 Dear Sir. 
 
 My dear Sir. 
 
 Dear Madam. 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 239 
 
 Letters of friendship usually begin with the fol- 
 lowing expressions and such others as the relations 
 between the parties suggest. 
 
 My dear Friend. 
 
 My dearest Mother. 
 
 Darling Sister. 
 
 Dear Brother. 
 
 The question has been asked, '‘If I am writing to 
 Miss Jane Smith, with whom I have but slight 
 acquaintance, must I address her as Madam?” 
 
 You can write it, Miss Jane Smith, 
 
 Austin, 
 
 Texas. 
 
 Dear Madam, or 
 Dear Miss Smith, or if you place the name at the 
 close of the letter, to the left and a little below your 
 own signature, which is the better usage, you will 
 be obliged to address Miss Smith as Dear Madam. 
 
 An acquaintance may sign himself “ Truly your 
 friend,” though he may not be so familiar as to ad- 
 dress a lady thus. The term used in enclosing* a 
 letter depends upon the relation of the writer to 
 the one addressed. Letters of friendship close with 
 such expressions as the following: 
 
 As ever yours. 
 
 Your affectionate husband. 
 
 Affectionately yours, 
 
 Devotedly yours, 
 
 Yours fraternally. 
 
240 TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 More formal expressions are: 
 
 Yours truly, 
 
 Yours respectfully, 
 
 Very truly yours, 
 
 Very respectfully. 
 
 Respectfully yours, 
 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 Your obedient servant, 
 
 Gratefully yours. 
 
 These expressions are used in business correspon- 
 dence and in strangers’ notes. 
 
 The full name of the writer, if a lady, should be 
 signed to the letter, especially in writing to a 
 stranger. Men claim the privilege of using their 
 initials, unless in the case of well-known literary 
 and other professional men. We should scarely 
 recognize R. W. Emerson or N. Hawthorne. 
 
 A married lady in writing to a stranger prefixes 
 Mrs. to her name, some say in brackets, while 
 equally good authority says without brackets. If 
 her identity is a matter of great importance she 
 may sign her name thus: 
 
 Mrs. Anna Matilda Brown. 
 
 [Mr. James Norwood Brown.] 
 
 If Mrs. Brown is a widow she may continue the 
 use oj this explanatory signature for three years, 
 after which, if there is any occasion for it, she en- 
 closes in parenthesis (Widow of the late Mr. J. N. 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 241 
 
 Brown.) An unmarried lady may, in writing to a 
 stranger, enclose [Miss] before her name. 
 
 In sending orders to her grocer a lady may sign 
 herself Mrs. Brown, but in notes and other corre- 
 spondence this would be impertinent. 
 
 It is not customary with people of good taste to 
 use any title in signing letters or other documents. 
 It is courteous to prefix titles of honor or courtesy 
 to the names of gentlemen — and ladies who are en- 
 titled to them — by others, but it is never done by 
 themselves, unless they are ignorant of good usage. 
 
 In the beginning of this chapter we gave the rank 
 and title of the royalty and nobility of Great Britain 
 and give here the proper form of address: 
 
 To the King’s Most Excellent Majesty. 
 
 To the Queen’s Most Excellent Majesty. 
 
 To His Royal Highness, Albert Edward, Prince of 
 Wales. 
 
 And in like manner all the members of the royal 
 family are addressed. The complimentary address 
 of the nobility is as follows; 
 
 To His Grace the Duke of Argyle. 
 
 To the Most Noble the Marquis of Westminster. 
 
 To the Right Honorable the Earl of Derby. 
 
 To the Right Honorable Lord Viscount Sidney. 
 
 To the Honorable Baron Gran worth. 
 
 The wives of noblemen have the same titles as 
 their husbands, as: 
 
 To Her Grace the Duchess of Argyle. 
 
242 
 
 TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 A Baronet is addressed: 
 
 Sir Walter Scott, Bart. 
 
 A Knight, 
 
 Sir William Armstrong, Kt. 
 
 RECAPITULATION OF FOREIGN TITLES ROYALTY. 
 
 Emperor or Empress — Style : His or Her Majesty 
 
 the Emperor or Empress of . Addressed : Sire 
 
 or Madam: May it please your Imperial Majesty. 
 
 King or Queen — Style: His or Her Majesty the 
 King or Queen. In England sometimes His or Her 
 Most Excellent Majesty. Addressed : Sire or 
 
 Madam; Most Gracious Sovereign; May it please 
 your Majesty. 
 
 ROYAL BLOOD. 
 
 Prince or Princess — Style : His or Her Imperial 
 
 or Royal Highness the Prince or Princess of ; 
 
 NOBILITY. 
 
 Duke or Duchess — Style : His Grace the Duke 
 
 of ; Her Grace the Duchess of . Ad- 
 
 dressed: My Lord Duke or My Lady Duchess, or 
 Your Grace; Madam. The eldest sons take, by 
 courtesy, their father’s second title, as Marquis, 
 Viscount, etc., and carry only the prefix of Honor- 
 able, as the Honorable Marquis of , eldest son 
 
 of the Duke of . However, if the son be a 
 
 member of the Privy Council, it is the Right Hon- 
 orable the Marquis of , eldest son of the Duke 
 
 of . 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 243 
 
 The other sons and daughters have Lord and 
 Lady prefixed to their Christian names. 
 
 Marquis or Marchioness — Style : The Most Noble 
 the Marquis or the Marchioness of . Ad- 
 
 dressed: My Lord Marquis or My Lady Marchion- 
 ess; Madam. The eldest sons take their father’s 
 second title. The other sons and the daughters 
 have Lord or Lady prefixed to their Christian 
 names. 
 
 Earl or Countess — Style: The Right Honorable 
 
 the Earl or Countess of . Addressed : My Lord 
 
 or My Lady; Madam. The eldest sons take the 
 second title of their father. The other sons have 
 Honorable prefixed to their names; but the daugh- 
 ters, like those of Dukes, etc., have Lady. 
 
 Viscount or Viscountess— The Right Hon- 
 orable the Viscount or Viscountess of . Ad- 
 
 dressed: My Lord or My Lady; Madam. Children 
 have Honorable prefixed to their Christian names. 
 
 Baron or Baroness — Style : The Right Honor- 
 able Lord or Lady of . Addressed : My Lord 
 
 or My Lady; Madam. Children have Honorable 
 prefixed to their Christian names. 
 
 Baronet or Wife — Style: Sir , Bart. Lady 
 
 . Addressed: Sir or Madam. 
 
 Knight or Wife — Style : Sir ; Mrs. . In 
 
 formal documents it is Sir , Kt. Addressed : 
 
 Sir or Madam. 
 
244 
 
 TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 KNIGHTS. 
 
 The different orders of Knights are indicated by 
 placing after the name certain capital letters, as 
 follows: 
 
 K. B. — Knight of the Bath. 
 
 K. C. B. — Knight Commander of the Bath. 
 
 K. C. H. — Knight Commander of Hanover. 
 
 K. C. M. G. — Knight Commander of St. Michael 
 and St. George. 
 
 K. G. — Knight of the Garter. 
 
 K. G. C. — Knighf of the Grand Cross. 
 
 K. G. C. B. — Knight Grand Cross of the Bath. 
 
 K. G. H. — Knight of the Guelphs of Hanover. 
 
 K. R. C. — Knight of the Red Cross. 
 
 K. T. — Knight of the Thistle. 
 
 K. P. — Knight of St. Patrick. 
 
 K. C. S. I. — Knight Commander of the Star of 
 India. 
 
 K. G. C. S. I. — Knight Grand Commander of the 
 Star of India. 
 
 K. G. C. M. G. — Knight Grand Cross of St. 
 Michael and St. George. 
 
 K. B. — Knight Bachelor. 
 
 C. B. — Companion of the Bath — does not confer 
 the prefix of Sir. 
 
 ECCLESIASTICAL TITLES. 
 
 Pope — Style: His Holiness the Pope. Ad- 
 dressed: Holy Father; Your Holiness. 
 
TITLES, ADDRESSES, ETC. 
 
 245 
 
 Cardinal — Style: His Eminence. Addressed: 
 
 Your Eminence. 
 
 Archbishop — Style: The Most Reverend His 
 
 Grace Archbishop of Wife; Mrs. Addressed : 
 
 My Lord Archbishop or Your Grace. Wife; 
 Madam. 
 
 Bishop — Style : The Right Reverend the Lord 
 
 Bishop of . Wife; Mrs.; Madam. Addressed: 
 
 My Lord. Wife; Mrs.; Madam. 
 
 Dean — Style: The Very Reverend the Dean 
 
 of . Addressed : Mr. Dean, or Rev. Sir. 
 
 Archdeacon — Style : The Venerable Archdeacon 
 
 of . Addressed : Rev. Sir. 
 
 The prefix Right Honorable is given to the mem- 
 bers of the Cabinet in England, and to the mem- 
 bers of the Privy Council and the Judges when 
 Privy Councilors; so, also, to the Lord Mayors of 
 London, York and Dublin, and the Lord Provost 
 of Edinburgh; but only during their terms of office. 
 
 Ambassadors, Governors of English Provinces, 
 and the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, are given the 
 title of Excellency. 
 
 Right Honorable, when given to an English 
 Bishop or clergyman, is prefixed to his ecclesiasti- 
 cal title; but in the case of baronets and knights 
 the title Sir, follows the Right Rev. or the Rev. 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 
 
 LETTER is a conversation at a distance. 
 If one can converse properly, he can almost 
 always write properl)^ Letters are formal 
 or familiar, according* to the relations between the 
 writer and the person addressed. Before begin- 
 ning your letter, consider what you would say to 
 your correspondent, in person; then write your let- 
 ter so that it might appear in print without causing 
 you a blush. In letters of friendship, be a little 
 more dignified and precise than you would in con- 
 versation. 
 
 “Notes are short letters, generally limited to a 
 single point of business.” They are used in invita- 
 tions and replies; introductions by letter, or note, 
 etc. 
 
 While there is a constant flutter of white- winged 
 messengers of love, friendship and society across 
 city and country, yet the great bulk of the United 
 States mail is business correspondence. On ac- 
 count of the interests involved in them, business 
 letters are of great importance. They should be 
 clear, brief, direct and gentlemanly. They should 
 
 (246) 
 
LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 
 
 247 
 
 contain some reference to former correspondence 
 that the business may not be confused through per- 
 sonal failure of memory. Great losses in business 
 have resulted from carelessness in correspondence. 
 
 Closely written postal cards and long and tedious 
 letters are an abomination to a business man. 
 
 THE PARTS OF A LETTER. 
 
 The essential parts of a letter are the Superscrip- 
 tion; the Body of the letter; the Subscription, and 
 the Address. 
 
 The Superscription of a letter consists of the 
 name of the place, the date of writing, and the 
 designation of the perso 7 i addressed ; as 
 
 Des Moines, Iowa, January 12, 1890. 
 
 A. C. McClurg & Co., 
 
 Chicago, 
 
 Illinois. 
 
 Gentlemen: 
 
 The name of the place should never be omitted, 
 if the letter is to go to another town. In large 
 cities, as New York, Philadelphia, the name of the 
 state need not be added; but small towns, and 
 cities, where there are several of the same name, 
 should be specified by adding the state; as Spring- 
 field, 111 ., Springfield, Mass. The name of the 
 street and number of the house should always be 
 given; as, 56 State Street, Chicago. If the place 
 is small or unknown to the person addressed, the 
 
248 LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 
 
 name of the County should be added; as, Anita, 
 Cass Co., Iowa. 
 
 Every letter should have a date; the month, the 
 day of the month, and the year. The date should 
 be put at the top and not at the bottom, as is 
 sometimes done. 
 
 The designation of the person addressed differs 
 according to our relations to the party, as has been 
 explained in the chapter, “Titles, Addressses and 
 Signatures.” Business letters often have the name 
 of the firm addressed and their place of business, as 
 a part of the designation; as^ 
 
 A. C. McClurg & Co., 
 
 1 1 7 Wabash Av. , 
 
 Chicago. 
 
 Gentlemen: 
 
 In other letters, the name of the person addressed 
 and the name of his post office are usually placed 
 at the close of the letter to the left and a little be- 
 low the signature. 
 
 THE SUBSCRIPTION. 
 
 The subscription of a letter consists of the 
 term of respect or affection, and the signature; as, 
 
 Affectionately yours, 
 
 Anna Brown. 
 
LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 249 
 
 THE ADDRESS. 
 
 The address on the envelope consists of three 
 parts: the name, the title, and the residence, as, 
 
 Mr. Joseph Howard, 
 
 Buffalo, 
 
 New York. 
 
 The name should be written with exactness, 
 without nicknames or pet names. 
 
 Mr. is a plain title that belongs to every man, 
 but when he has any other title, it is courteous to 
 use it in addressing him. 
 
 The residence of the person addressed should be 
 written out in full. The name of the state should 
 not be abbreviated unless the abbreviation is per- 
 fectly intelligible. The street and number of the 
 house should be given, if the letters are likely to be 
 delivered by postmen. The address upon the 
 envelope should be written as follows: 
 
 Messrs. A. C. McClurg & Co., 
 
 1 17 Wabash Av., 
 
 Chicago. 
 
 A letter of introduction is addressed as follows: 
 
 Hon. E. M. Davenport, 
 Kansas City, 
 
 . Missouri. 
 
 Introducing John Hale, Esq. 
 
 17 
 
250 
 
 LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 
 
 A letter delivered by a friend is addressed thus: 
 
 Miss Louise Culver, 
 
 At Home. 
 
 Politeness of Miss Penn. 
 
 Mr. T. B. Tibbies, 
 
 Courtesy of Mr. Jones. 
 
 It is no longer considered polite to enclose the 
 postage to prepay the answer to a letter written to a 
 stranger, except between business men; then if the 
 information sought is for the sole benefit of the 
 writer he encloses a postal card with his address 
 written upon it, or a stamp. 
 
 Persons unacquainted with the rules of business, 
 sometimes, when sending an order to one firm, en- 
 close money to be paid another, or with which to 
 make small purchases in some other line, to be sent 
 in the package ordered from the firm with which 
 the correspon.dence is held. The proper way to do 
 when you wish to order goods from different houses 
 in the same city, and yet have all the goods 
 shipped in one package, is to write an order to each 
 firm, requesting that the goods be delivered to the 
 firm with which you do the most business, having 
 of course, notified the firm of your action. 
 
 Don’t ask a reply “by return mail” unless there 
 is real urgency for it, in which case explain the 
 cause of the urgency, as this request has come to 
 
LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. ' 25 I 
 
 be looked upon as a mere form and is disregarded 
 by business men. 
 
 In their appropriate places, we give forms for in- 
 vitations and replies, letters of introduction and a 
 few business forms in the special chapters for young 
 men, but it is impossible to give examples of every 
 kind of letter; however, a few general rules will 
 help those who know what they wish to write about, 
 and for those who have no ideas, forms would be of 
 little use. Boys and girls should be taught the art 
 of letter writing at school or at least while they 
 are young. 
 
 ' ANSWER PROMPTLY. 
 
 “This is not meant that every letter should be 
 answered at once. This is often impossible, and 
 even undersirable when reflection is necessary. The 
 principle should be to reply without needless delay. 
 This is due to every correspondent who deserves 
 any attention. The character of a letter is greatly 
 affected by the delay in writing.” All notes receive 
 an immediate reply. 
 
 WRITE EVERY LETTER CAREFULLY. 
 
 It is natural to slight such common and familiar 
 things as letters, yet, on the whole, there is scarcely 
 any other one form of writing by which men (and 
 women) are so generally judged by their acquaint- 
 
 ances. 
 
252 
 
 LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 
 
 “Even among educated men there are compara- 
 tively few good writers^ of letters. Violations of 
 grammar and bad spelling often cost men positions 
 of honor and profit.” 
 
 EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS WITH DIRECTNESS. 
 
 “ Some writers who are plain in conversation be- 
 come sentimental, others verbose, others flowery 
 in their letters. Every form of affectation should 
 be avoided. A letter should be a natural expres- 
 sion of ones thoughts and feelings. 
 
 STYLE OF PAPER. 
 
 Letter paper should be fine and plain, and for 
 ordinary notes neither crest nor cipher should be 
 upon it, though the latter ornaments may be used 
 for ceremonious letters. The style of note paper 
 changes from time to time, but plain white is always 
 in good taste. Some years ago — twenty-five or 
 thirty perhaps — colored paper with flowers in the 
 corner v/as the fashion. This went out and we came 
 back to white, then through the pale tints, such as 
 blue, green, lilac, etc., to the heavy brown or choco- 
 late-colored note of a few years ago. At the pres- 
 ent time, pure white or ecru is the only stylish 
 paper. 
 
 Monograms are no longer stylish, but many ladies 
 use them. It is more fashionable to have the ad- 
 
LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 
 
 253 
 
 dresses of their city residence or their country place 
 printed, or their initials engraved in one corner. 
 
 Square cards are used for short notes, but the 
 style of the plain, thick, English note paper, folded 
 square and put in a square envelope and sealed 
 with red sealing-wax, has never changed and never 
 will change. This is used all over the world. The 
 notes of ambassadors and of royalty are written on 
 such paper and in such style. 
 
 INK. 
 
 Plain black ink should invariably be used. To 
 use the purple, green and other colored inks is no 
 longer considered in good taste. 
 
 It is no longer necessary to leave a wide margin 
 on the page of the letter. 
 
 POSTAL CARDS. 
 
 Postal cards are only for unimportant business, 
 and ladies seldom use them, except in sending or- 
 ders to shop-keepers. 
 
 SEALING-WAX. 
 
 Ceremonious notes, as well as letters of friend- 
 ship and courtesy, are usually sealed with wax of 
 any color suggested by the taste of the writer. 
 Black is used by persons in mourning. This is 
 sometimes used instead of black-bordered paper 
 The seal may be a crest, a cipher, an initial, a motto 
 or a ring. 
 
254 
 
 LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING. 
 
 Letter paper and note paper should never be 
 ruled. Ladies are accused of being unable to write 
 a straight line without “lines.” They, as well as 
 children, should learn to write without lines. 
 
 The date and the number of a residence is usually 
 expressed in Arabic figures; everything else is writ- 
 ten out in words, and no abbreviations should be 
 used. In invitations the day of the month is often 
 given in Roman letters. 
 
 Communication by letter has increased to such 
 an extent that a correct knowledge of the rules of 
 this important branch is necessary to one’s social 
 and business success, and no education should be 
 considered finished without it. The art of Letter- 
 Writing ought to be included in the curriculum of 
 the common schools. 
 
 Familiarity with the etiquette of correspondence 
 is a stamp of good breeding. 
 
 Postscripts are, of course, never used in notes or 
 short letters, and indicate carelessness or thought- 
 lessness when added to any letter; however, as a 
 question which had not been thought of, has been 
 asked at this point, we add a postcript. The ques- 
 tion is “In writing to servants how shall I address 
 them.!^” The custom is to begin thus: 
 
 To Matilda Peterson: 
 
 Mrs. Hunter will return home 
 next Wednesday, and wishes the house to be in 
 readiness, etc. 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 HE early canon law asserted marriage to be a 
 
 religious contract, ratified by the Holy Ghost, a 
 
 ^ contract by which two were mystically and ir- 
 revocably united, not only for time but for eternity. 
 How this was reconciled with the authority that in 
 heaven they neither marry nor are given in mar- 
 riage, I am not able to say. 
 
 To-day some of us jump into marriage with our 
 eyes shut; natural consequences open them and we 
 jump out again through the divorce courts. The 
 process of courtship which proceeds modern mar- 
 riages is purely conventional, and affords little 
 opportunity for real acquaintanceship. 
 
 “ There are few persons who are not, or have not 
 been, or hope not, or fear not to be married. How 
 vast the number who wear the yoke,’' says Mr. 
 Phillip Gilbert Hammerton. “Married and settled; 
 yet oftener unsettled in their desires and affections, 
 and wondering and toiling to trace the coil that has 
 woven itself or has been woven by the fates so mys- 
 tically about them.” 
 
 Sir Arthur Helps says: “The Illiad for war; the 
 
 (255^ 
 
256 
 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 Odyssey for wandering, but where is the great do- 
 mestic epic.” 
 
 I can tell you; it is being written upon the un- 
 seen side of life, in letters of fire, whose traces shall 
 remain forever, and in the great judgment days of 
 each human soul, the ‘‘heart shall reap where it 
 has sown, and garner up its fruit of tears,” or go 
 empty to expiate its wrongs to itself and others. 
 Social martyrdoms are endured daily and hourly in 
 our midst, but they place no saints upon the cal- 
 endar. 
 
 How are these martyrdoms to be avoided.^ is the 
 practical question. 
 
 The first step should be a reformation of our 
 manners toward each other in the home life. Com- 
 pany manners are shoddy, and are very soon de- 
 tected by people of true refinement, and the “yoke- 
 fellow” of the man or woman who is coarse and 
 unkind at home, and keeps his or her gentle man- 
 ners for strangers, despises the action and will very 
 soon come to despise the actor. Were there true 
 respect, mutual candor, confidence and yet reserve, 
 with a disinterested courtesy on both sides, and a 
 real desire for self-improvement and growth, there 
 could be no wide difference in the manners of fam- 
 ilies at home and abroad. Self-respect ought to 
 keep both men and women from every act of rude- 
 ness. 
 
 If, because of the social freedom enjoyed by our 
 
MARRIAGE. 
 
 257 
 
 young people, they make mistakes in their choice 
 of life companions, pride should bid them bury 
 their disappointment out of sight, and cultivate the 
 graces of manner that shall, at least, make those 
 about them less conscious of the inharmony of their 
 own lives, and, in their efforts to promote the hap- 
 piqess of others by forgetting self, they may be- 
 come useful members of society. 
 
 Let them always remember that manners, like 
 charity, begin at home. The tenderest love will 
 be shocked by rudeness of speech or manner, and 
 familiarity degrades both the subject and its object. 
 
 No soul has a right to lay itself quite bare to 
 any other soul, else, why are we given the power 
 and the desire to be ourselves ? 
 
 Let something be understood and forget not that 
 '‘Distance lends enchantment,” and this includes 
 that other maxim, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” 
 
 It is the experience of all, that very, ve7y few 
 persons, will bear the test of close acquaintance, or 
 intimacy. This is why the most ardent friendships 
 are frequently of short duration. The barriers of 
 reserve are swept away in the rush of confidence, 
 and the ideal friend becomes disenchantingly real. 
 
 We may close our eyes to the fact, if we choose, 
 but we know that close intimacies of all kinds, hide 
 the worst feelings the natural man is endowed with. 
 The hatreds, the disgusts, the jealousies engendered 
 in these relationships, are among the worst forms of 
 
258 
 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 misery placed upon human souls. The cause may, 
 nearly always, be traced to selfishness, or familiar- 
 ity. Mesmeric and other subtle influences, which 
 we do not understand, play their part, and it is our 
 duty to try to discover them. 
 
 No man has a right to ask a woman to be his 
 wife until he can offer her a home of, at least, four 
 rooms; a living room, a bath room, a private room 
 for her, and another for himself. Then let him re- 
 spect her privacy, her individuality, her personality. 
 Let them study and understand the effects of fresh 
 air and proper food; of psychological influences. 
 In short, nothing which belongs to human nature 
 should be considered beneath their careful study. 
 
 The subtle forces which govern our well being 
 are, with the majority of us, either ignored, or 
 thought to be too deep for our comprehension, and 
 the consequences of our ignorance, reach, in their 
 hurtfulness, our posterity to the third and fourth 
 generations. 
 
 The question of marriage involves the whole 
 question of life, and our efforts should be to make 
 it purer and nobler and grander. How best to do 
 this, each individual must answer for himself, but 
 there are a few rules applicable to all cases. For- 
 get self and try to make those around you happy. 
 Study the art of living together; it is an art, and 
 not all persons can do it successfully. When you 
 stood at the alter, with so much love and courage. 
 
MARRIAGE. 
 
 259 
 
 you promised ''for better or for worse;” remember 
 this when you are tempted to find fault. Remem- 
 ber the delicate attentions you gave the lover, and 
 be sure they are just as potent for good now as 
 then. Avoid familiarity; the old proverb is truth 
 itself. 
 
 Have no differences in religion or politics; if yon 
 do, don’t discuss them. Few of us are liberal 
 enough to forgive differences of opinion when they 
 touch our religion, our politics or our mother. 
 
 Don’t scold. Scolding, like familiarity, begets 
 contempt. 
 
 Don’t expect what your companion cannot give. 
 Procrustean beds are out of da.te. . 
 
 Don’t be ill-natured. Observance of the laws of 
 health will aid you in this. 
 
 Don’t think you are king, and she and the child- 
 ren your subjects. Subjects sometimes rebel. 
 
 Don’t think, because you are married, you can 
 disregard neatness and good taste in dress at home. 
 This may be the first step in the direction of inhar- 
 mony. 
 
 Don’t criticise. Your marriage did not elevate 
 you to the position of judge. 
 
 A little adverse criticism is good for us, but let it 
 come from outside the family. 
 
 Don’t believe there is only one way of thinking 
 and doing and that way is yours. You may find, 
 when too late, that there are better ways. 
 
26 o 
 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 Don't ridicule. Above all don’t ridicule personal 
 defects. This is, of all faults, the most dangerous. 
 
 Don’t talk too much. There is sometimes more 
 eloquence in silence than in words. At the same 
 time be cheerful and not moody. 
 
 Don’t use language to your wife or your husband 
 that you would be ashamed to have heard by a 
 third person. There is always a third person — 
 your conscience. 
 
 Be truthful. One false representation, or act, 
 may destroy the peace of a life time. 
 
 Be courteous. It was courtesy* more than all 
 else that helped you to win your companion. 
 Courtesy is the result and evidence of good breed- 
 ing. Keep up the enchantment of reserve. Once 
 swept away, no power on earth can restore it. 
 
 Be cheerful. It is sunlight makes the flowers 
 grow. And if the shades of night also are neces- 
 sary for their preservation, so too are the occasional 
 shadows of sorrow and loss, necessary to keep 
 your sympathies with the world warm — to keep 
 your philanthropy alive. 
 
 There is another side of the marriage question, 
 that may interest the women and perhaps a few 
 men, and that is money. This is not a pleasant 
 theme and yet it plays such an important part in 
 life that we cannot ignore it, much as we wish we 
 could. “ He who has his hand on the money bags, 
 has the power.” 
 
 ) 
 
MARRIAGE. 
 
 261 
 
 Have a common fund for household expenses. 
 Don’t make your wife feel like a dependent. Give 
 the children a chance to earn money. 
 
 There is rnore peace, harmony, and even love if 
 you will, in a well filled purse, all a woman’s own, 
 than in beautiful surroundings without a penny to 
 call her own. Why.^ Because she has one of the 
 two requisites to self respect, liberty and possession, 
 and if she is happy she has both. It is in your 
 power to give her both. She must have liberty to 
 develop the highest and best that her inner self 
 contains, and restraint and worry over financial 
 matters does not expand or broaden ones nature. 
 
 “Man shallnot live by bread alone.” True; but he 
 can be a better Christian after having had a nourish- 
 ing breakfast, and feels more charitable to the short- 
 comings of those about him, than he can when 
 hungry. So a woman can be a better wife and 
 mother, if she feel that she is equal to the hus- 
 band in all things. The empty pocket book gives 
 her that same feeling of goneness that your hunger 
 gives you. 
 
 It is said — and I am sorry to be forced to admit 
 its truth — that woman is less truthful than man. 
 Wh}^ is this.^ It is because of her present and in- 
 herited fear of father, husband or Mrs. Grundy. 
 
 Self preservation — the first law of life — suggests 
 subterfuge, prevarication, white lies, anything to 
 keep peace. This is especially so in the expendi- 
 
262 
 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 tures of money. She mentally excuses, while she 
 despises herself for it. Each time she is guilty of 
 this sin, her soul, on bended knees — if I may say 
 so — promises itself never to repeat the offense, for 
 it is unbearable to stand before her child a self con- 
 fessed hypocrite. How is she to teach it horibr and 
 integrity, with a lie upon her own conscience.^ 
 
 Between the pangs of conscience and the dread 
 of upbraidings that are sure to follow the whole truth, 
 especially as to the financial bugbear, what is she 
 to do.^ 
 
 I know several good men who will upbraid their 
 wives for weeks — terrorize them, if they spend a 
 dollar without their lord’s consent. 
 
 The man does not mean to be mean, but he 
 thinks his judgment in the economy of money mat- 
 ters, so superior to hers and his authority so 
 supreme, that he cannot forgive the wound to his 
 pride, if one iota seems to have gone out of his 
 hands. 
 
 He can cure this by making a decent division of 
 the money and teaching her, if she does not know, 
 how to spend it. Ninety-nine cases in a hundred 
 she knows better than he. 
 
 It is duty to all concerned for the wife and mother 
 to take her stand with quiet dignity, at the head of 
 her household. If she be firm, gentle, self reliant, 
 allowing no coarseness, or familiarity, but under- 
 standing and quietly exacting the deference and 
 
MARRIAGE. 
 
 263 
 
 courtesy which are her due, she can educate her 
 family up to her standard. 
 
 She can diffuse through the home an atmosphere 
 of sympathy, kindness and love, in which the ten- 
 der buds of humanity which may be given to her 
 care, can grow and expand into noble manhood and 
 womahood. 
 
 There is a poetic, an unseen side running parallel 
 with all these practical questions and duties of life, 
 the cultivation and education of which are just as 
 necessary as that of the outer, but in the rush and 
 hurry of business and material things, we close our 
 eyes and ears to the better life and the greater hap- 
 piness. 
 
 “ And the- thoughts of men do widen with the 
 process of the suns.” And so in the dim and far off 
 future when we have learned to make more of the 
 real self and consequently have better every-day 
 manners, we shall achieve more perfect marriage. 
 In the meantime we, will attend a wedding cere- 
 mony as given in the next chapter, with best 
 wishes for all participants. 
 
CHAPTER XXI 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 ^^n^HERE are weddings and weddings. The 
 II ceremony is arranged according to the inclina- 
 ^ tion and circumstances — financial and other 
 — of the:bride’s family. But as everybody wants 
 to know how fashionable weddings are conducted, 
 we give the latest and best authorities on this 
 most interesting of all ceremonies, many features 
 of which, however, are common to all weddings, 
 the simplest as well as the grandest. 
 
 THE ENGAGEMENT. 
 
 Among the Athenians, betrothment with its at- 
 tendant ceremonies was indispensable to the validity 
 of a marriage contract. In France, Switzerland 
 and Germany, no marriage ever takes place with- 
 out the formal betrothal. In the United States no 
 formality attends the announcement of an engage- 
 ment of marriage. Sometimes a dinner party is 
 given by the family of the bride to be, or the groom 
 (when the former and her family must be present) 
 and the host announces the intelligence just before 
 rising from the table, when congratulations are 
 offered by those present. As soon as the informa- 
 
 (264) 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 265 
 
 tion reaches the social circle of the gentleman and 
 lady, the latter receives notes of congratulation, 
 flowers and calls. 
 
 Sometimes the announcement is made by the 
 mother of the bride, by note, or by the bride and 
 groom among their very intimate friends. These 
 are acknowledged by notes of congratulation. 
 
 Sometimes the friends of the engaged couple 
 give them a dinner, an evening dancing party, or a 
 theatre part)^ 
 
 THE LAST CALL. 
 
 After an announcement of engagement, the bride 
 makes no visits, though she receives calls or cards 
 from friends. Just before the wedding invitations 
 are issued she leaves her visiting card in person at 
 the door of her friends’ residence, but she does not 
 enter, except to visit an invalid, or an aged friend. 
 There is something pathetic in this last call. It is 
 the last time she will ever use her family name and 
 this may mean much to her. Not that the mere 
 change of names necessarily means so much, except 
 as it indicates her new and more responsible social 
 relations. These she gladly assumes, yet she prob- 
 ably does not understand the ‘ ‘ weight of words” 
 as did Caesar, when he “Father of his Country, 
 High Pontiff of the Gods, Consul of the Common- 
 wealth, Prince of the Senate, Imperator of the 
 Army and Master of Rome and the World,” did 
 
 18 
 
265 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 not dare call himself King. “I am Caesar, not 
 King.” But we will not sadden her last days of 
 freedom by moralizing ; she will have time for that 
 hereafter. 
 
 WEDDING CARDS. 
 
 Her wedding cards are sent out fifteen days before 
 the ceremony is to take place and often much 
 earlier. Invitations to remote places are forwarded 
 sooner so that parties who desire to be present can 
 arrange accordingly. 
 
 The invitations to the marriage ceremony are 
 sent out in the name of the bride’s father and 
 mother, or of one alone, if only one be living. If 
 the bride stand in other relationship, like that of 
 ward, niece, etc. , to the person or persons issuing 
 the invitation, this relationship is noted in the 
 formula in place of the word ‘ ‘ daughter. ’ ’ 
 
 A card of invitation to the breakfast or reception 
 for such as are entitled to this honor, accompanies 
 the engraved note ; and also one or two tickets of 
 admission, intended for distribution to personal 
 friends of the invited, and also for the use of ser- 
 vants who accompany guests to the church. These 
 latter are necessary only in large cities, where “the 
 idle rabble would crowd the church.” 
 
 “Friends who wear mourning costumes usually 
 enter the church by these cards, quietly and early, 
 and hide themselves in the crowd to escape the 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 267 
 
 eyes of the bridal pair. Pleasant omens are not 
 suggested by those who are supposed to be wise in 
 prophetic phenomena, by one coming to us dressed 
 in crepe. Hence the delicate custom among the 
 sorrowing of absenting themselves from the festal 
 part of weddings and also making themselves in- 
 visible to the marriage party while they are present 
 in the church, to join in the prayerful ceremony of 
 the hour.” 
 
 Invitations to weddings are now engraved upon 
 one sheet of paper, the separate cards of bride 
 and groom being seldom used. The following form 
 is preferred for the engraving, which is plain script. 
 The paper is thick, fine and shaped so as to fold 
 over: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. William Archer 
 request your presence 
 at the marriage of their daughter, 
 Blanche Elizabeth, 
 to 
 
 Mr. John Willis Cumberland, 
 on Tuesday morning, June tenth, j8qo, 
 at eleven o' clock, 
 
 St. Paul’s Cathedral, 
 
 Des Moines. 
 
 This invitation requires no answer. Friends living 
 at a distance who receive it, inclose their cards and 
 send by mail. Residents call upon the family of 
 the bride as has already been stated. 
 
268 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 The invitation to the reception, which is enclosed 
 in the same envelope, is usually engraved upon a 
 square card, the same size of the sheet of note pa- 
 per upon which is engraved the invitation to the 
 ceremony, after it has been once folded across the 
 middle. The following is one of the forms used: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. William Archer, 
 
 AT home 
 
 Tuesday Morning, June Tenth, 
 from half-past eleven until four d clock, 
 
 416 Grand avenue. 
 
 The admission card is long and narrow and neatly 
 and plainly engraved in script. 
 
 St. Paul’s Cathedral, 
 
 Ceremony at eleven d clock. 
 
 the ceremony. 
 
 The order of the religious part of the ceremony is 
 fixed by the church in which it occurs. Rehearsals 
 by the wedding party are necessary to enable them 
 to act their parts gracefully. 
 
 THE bridegroom’s BEST MAN. 
 
 It was formerly the custom for the groom to be 
 attended by several young men, the number to 
 equal that of the bridesmaids, but the present 
 usage is to select from his friends but one, who 
 shall be his '‘best man.” 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 269 
 
 It is the duty of the “best man” to arrange the 
 business and social formalities of the wedding. He 
 accompanies the groom to the church, follows him 
 from the vestry to the altar and stands near him, 
 waiting the arrival of the bride; during the cere- 
 mony he stands at his right hand a little behind 
 him, holding the groom’s hat. He signs the regis- 
 ter as witness; pays the clergyman’s fee, and when 
 the reception is over, or before, he precedes the 
 bridal pair to the train or the steamer and checks 
 their baggage; and if they desire to withhold the 
 direction they take for the wedding journey from 
 the knowledge of their friends he keeps their secret. 
 
 MASTER OF CEREMONIES. 
 
 From among the ushers, all of whom are se- 
 lected by the bride, one is chosen to be master of 
 ceremonies. He is at the church early, in order to 
 be present when the doors are opened, as the indi- 
 cations of the approaching formalities are apt to 
 attract a crowd of idlers. He takes good care to 
 place the white ribbon across the main aisle far 
 enough back from the altar to give sufficient room 
 for the invited guests, he having previously been 
 made acquainted with the number expected. Some- 
 times an arch of flowers mounted on wire netting 
 by the florist is arranged to take the place of the 
 white ribbon. He sees that the organist is at his 
 post, and that his list of compositions to be played 
 
270 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 during the arrival of the audience is properly ar- 
 ranged. He also sees that the kneeling stool — 
 which should be covered with white — is properly 
 adjusted. 
 
 THE USHER. 
 
 After everything is seen to be in readiness for the 
 ceremony, the ushers take their places at the inner 
 entrance of the church and escort the ladies to their 
 proper seats. The usher offers a lady his right arm, 
 and if unacquainted with her, inquires if she be a 
 friend of the bride or the groom. If of the bride, 
 he places her upon the left of the main aisle; if of 
 the groom, upon the right. If the lady is attended 
 by a gentleman he follows her to her seat. Ushers 
 are usually acquainted with the two families and 
 know where to place the nearer and where the re- 
 moter kinspeople of the bridal party. This dispo- 
 sition of guests places the father or guardian of the 
 bride at the proper place during and after the cere- 
 mony. 
 
 After the service two of the ushers usually hurry 
 from the vestibule of the church to the residence of 
 the bride, to be in readiness to receive the wedded 
 pair. 
 
 The ushers, after the service at the church, act 
 as attendants of the bridesmaids at the reception. 
 They wear dark frock coats and light trousers, 
 light neckties, and gloves of some delicate tint, like 
 pearl-gray or lavender, to match the trousers. 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS, 
 
 271 
 
 THE COMING OF THE BRIDE. 
 
 When the bride and her maids have arrived and 
 arranged themselves in the vestibule, the groom and 
 “best man” come forth from the vestry and wait 
 at the altar, the organ playing softly some melody 
 previously chosen by the bride. The ushers usually 
 walk in pairs in advance of the ladies, and arrange 
 themselves at the right of the two waiting gentle- 
 men, whose faces are turned towards the advancing 
 bride. 
 
 Sometimes the bridesmaids precede and some- 
 times follow the bride — as suits her taste — and al- 
 ways stand at her left side. If they precede her, 
 two or four little boys, dressed as pages, may follow 
 to carry her train, or carry baskets of flowers, which 
 they scatter in her path as she leaves the church, 
 preceding her in order to do this. If the maids fol- 
 low the bride, she is sometimes preceded by two or 
 four little girls, who strew her path to the altar 
 with flowers. 
 
 COSTUME OF THE BRIDE. 
 
 The bridal costume is white, high corsage, a long 
 wide veil of white tulle reaching to the feet; natural 
 flowers of any variety she prefers, the orange blos- 
 som being no longer the “only flower.” 
 
 She leans upon the arm of her father or whoever 
 is to give her away. 
 
272 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 COSTUME OF THE BRIDESMAIDS. 
 
 The bridesmaids dress in delicate colors, plainly 
 but prettily, and wear no trains. Hats that are 
 picturesque and perhaps historic in style, or bonnets 
 with short white tulle veils, may be worn. They 
 carry fans or baskets of flowers of any tints becom- 
 ing to their complexions. 
 
 It is not uncommon at present for the ladies of 
 bridal parties to copy a notable picture by their 
 garments and coiffures, and the effect is usually 
 charming. If the gentlemen would also copy the 
 same picture by their vestments the effect would be 
 much heightened. 
 
 COSTUME OF THE GENTLEMEN. 
 
 If the wedding is by day, the gentlemen wear a 
 morning dress, which consists of dark coat and vest, 
 light trousers and a white necktie. It is optional 
 with the groom to wear gloves, but if he does, they 
 must not be white but light. English bridegrooms 
 in high life wear no gloves. If the ceremony take 
 place in the evening, full dress is demanded of all 
 the gentlemen. ‘H^o man ever puts on a dress coat 
 before his seven o’clock dinner.” 
 
 THE BRIDE 
 
 sometimes carries a prayer book, which is usually 
 the gift of a dear friend, and always a bouquet or 
 fan of delicate white flowers. 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 273 
 
 As she reaches the lowest altar step the bride- 
 groom advances, takes her by her right hand, leads 
 her to the altar where they both kneel a moment in 
 silent devotion. They rise, the ceremony proceeds, 
 
 THE RING 
 
 being a customary part of the service. Instead of 
 removing the glove as formerl}^ the finger of the 
 left-hand glove is so cut that it can be turned back, 
 thus baring the finger which is to receive the ring. 
 
 “Blest ornament! how happy is thy snare. 
 
 To bind the saovvy finger of my fair, 
 
 O, could I learn thy nice concise art, 
 
 Now as thou bindest her finger, bind her heart.” 
 
 The ring has been used for betrothal and mar- 
 riage ceremonies for so many centuries that the date 
 of the origin of the custom is not known. The 
 ring has, in different ages, been the symbol of 
 power, of slavery, of reconciliation, of friendship 
 and of love. 
 
 In the older countries, a plain gold ring, with 
 date and inscription, is given to the woman, as a 
 sign of betrothal, and the same ring is again used 
 at the marriage, after which a jeweled ring is added 
 to guard this. 
 
 If a diamond betrothal or “engagement ring” is 
 given the lady, care is taken that the stone shall be 
 flawless, however small it may be. 
 
274 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 MAN AND WIFE. 
 
 After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates 
 the bride and groom, but he does not kiss the bride 
 as formerly. This would now be in bad form. The 
 pair walk down the aisle, arm in arm, and are 
 immediately conducted to the carriage and driven 
 home. 
 
 AT HOME. 
 
 The two ushers who have preceded the company 
 to the residence of the bride, receive them there. 
 
 The bridal party, with half the maids at the right 
 of the lady and half at the left of the groom, take 
 their positions for the usual congratulations. The 
 parents of the bride stand at her right, those of the 
 groom at her left, unless they receive in another 
 room. 
 
 As the guests arrive, the ushers offer their right 
 arms to the ladies, to conduct them to the married 
 pair. The gentlemen attendants of the ladies fol- 
 low. After congratulations are offered, the usher 
 conducts them to the parents of the wedded pair 
 and introduces them. 
 
 If ladies present are unattended by gentlemen, 
 and the reception is large, an usher attends each 
 lady to the breakfast room and sees that she is 
 properly served. If the company is small and the 
 entertainment is a “sit down” breakfast with cards 
 of location, an escort is provided for each lady. 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. .275 
 
 The host sits at one side of the table, the hostess 
 at the other, the bride at his right, the groom at her 
 left. 
 
 PREPARING FOR AND STARTING UPON THE JOURNEY. 
 
 After breakfast the bride and groom retire to 
 their respective dressing rooms and exchange the 
 wedding garments for their traveling dress. 
 
 If a reception is given, the bridal pair retire be- 
 fore the guests depart. In any case, they take leave 
 of no one. 
 
 The bridesmaids, ushers and a few specially in- 
 vited friends remain to see them properly started 
 upon their journey through life, by throwing rice 
 and worn slippers after the carriage. Should a 
 slipper happen to alight upon the carriage it is 
 taken as a good omen. 
 
 WEDDINGS AT HOME. 
 
 Weddings at home differ little from those at 
 church. The music, the disposition of the relatives 
 and friends, the entrance and position of the bridal 
 party, duties of ushers, etc., are just the same. If 
 desired, an altar of flowers and the place for kneel- 
 ing can be arranged at home. A high fender or rail- 
 ing concealed by flowers or greenery can be used. 
 It requires only space enough behind the altar for 
 the clergyman to stand. Other floral decorations 
 can be easily and artistically arranged. 
 
2/6 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 At the conclusion of the marriage ceremony, the 
 party turn in their places, so as to face their friends 
 and receive congratulations. 
 
 QUIET WEDDINGS. 
 
 Marriage can, of course, be solemnized with very 
 little formality. This depends upon the circum- 
 stances and inclination of the bride’s family. It is 
 much better and more sensible to dispense with 
 show}^ formalities, than to go beyond one’s means. 
 
 Many brides are married in traveling dress and 
 hat and leave immediately after the ceremony with- 
 out congratulations. 
 
 Many others dispense with the “bridal trip,” go- 
 ing immediately to their own homes which loving 
 hands or their own industry has prepared for them. 
 
 AT HOME. 
 
 If the newly wedded commence life in a home 
 of their own, it is customary to issue ‘‘at home” 
 cards for a few mornings or evenings at no distant 
 date, unless the marriage occur in early summer, 
 when these informal receptions are postponed until 
 autumn. Only such persons are invited as the 
 young people choose to keep as friends, or perhaps 
 only those whom they can afford to retain. It is 
 an easy and sensible opportunity for carefully re- 
 arranging one’s social list, because there are limita- 
 tions to hospitality, which are frequently more 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 277 
 
 necessary than agreeable. This list of old friends 
 and acquaintances cannot be too seriously consid- 
 ered, and no moment is so favorable as at the be- 
 ginning of house-keeping. This custom of arrang- 
 ing a fresh list is admitted as a social necessity and 
 nobody is offended. The omission of reception 
 cards is taken as a communicative and intelligent 
 silence, which may cause regret but it cannot give 
 offense. It only says that the new household has 
 doubled its kinspeople and friends by uniting two 
 families. That is all. 
 
 These “at home” cards are of medium size and 
 fine in quality. A note may be used if preferred; 
 but the card is more convenient. The following is 
 the accepted style: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. John Willis Cumberland, 
 
 AT HOME, 
 
 Tuesday evenings in September, 
 from half- past eight until eleven d clock, 
 
 57 High Street. 
 
 On these occasions the bride wears a reception 
 toilet and the groom is in full evening dress. 
 
 This form of card is also used if the wedding has 
 been very quiet. 
 
 announcement. 
 
 Where the wedding has been private or informal, 
 during the absence of the pair, the family of the 
 
2/8 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 bride sometimes issues an announcement of the 
 marriage to all their friends and acquaintances. 
 
 These notes are engraved and sent in two en- 
 velopes. The form is thus: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. William Archer 
 announce the marriage of their daughter. 
 
 Miss Blanche Elizabeth, 
 to 
 
 Mr. John Willis Cumberland, 
 
 Tuesday, June loth, i8po. 
 
 46 Grand Avenue, Des Moines. 
 
 The recipients of these announcements send a 
 note of congratulation to the parents of the bride 
 and if sufficiently intimate to the wedded pair. 
 
 If there , has been no wedding reception, the 
 mother of the bride usually gives one to them. The 
 notes or large cards — either may be used — are en- 
 graved as follows: 
 
 Mrs. William Archer, < 
 
 Mrs. John Willis Cumberland. 
 
 AT HOME, 
 
 Tuesday, November Twelfth, 
 from three until ten o'clock. 
 
 46 Grand Avenue. 
 
 If the reception is given only in the evening, the 
 invitations will be issued in the name of Mr. and 
 Mrs. William Archer, the same envelope enclos- 
 ing a separate card bearing the name of 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. John Willis Cumberland. 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 279 
 
 CARDS DURING MOURNING. 
 
 Where a marriage occurs during a time of family 
 mourning, or a misfortune, it is customary to issue 
 cards simply bearing the name of the married party 
 with the new address, enclosing a separate card 
 upon which is engraved the maiden name of the 
 bride. 
 
 MARRIAGE CEREMONY OF A WIDOW. 
 
 The marriage ceremony of a widow differs only 
 in the not wearing of a veil and the orange blos- 
 soms. (Orange flowers are permitted to be worn 
 only by young ladies at the altar and never again 
 after that.) She may be costumed in white, and 
 have the maids if she pleases. This liberty has 
 been given her only recently, and refined taste will 
 guide her in these matters. On her wedding cards 
 of invitation, her maiden name is used as a part 
 of her proper name; this is but respect to her par- 
 ents. Having dropped the initials of her deceased 
 husband when she lays aside her crepes, she uses 
 her own Christian name. If she have sons or un- 
 married daughters at the time she becomes again a* 
 wife, she prefixes the last name of her children to 
 her new one. on all ceremonious occasions in which 
 they are interested in common with herself. This 
 respect is really due to them and etiquette permits 
 it, although our social usages do not imperatively 
 
2 8o the etiquette of weddings. 
 
 command its adoption. It is proper for her to re- 
 move her first wedding ring. 
 
 Of course the formalities which follow the mar- 
 riage of a widow can seldom be regulated in the 
 same manner as those of a younger bride. Cir- 
 cumstances must control the entertainments 'vhich 
 follow the marriage, and no fixed forms can be ar- 
 ranged for them. A quiet taste and refined senti- 
 ments are the best regulators of these civilities. 
 
 WEDDING presents. 
 
 Bridal gifts are now seldom exhibited, and the 
 few friends who are permitted to look at them, ex- 
 amine them only after the cards are removed, so 
 that a token of love may not be suspected of osten- 
 tation, nor one of display have its real motives 
 recognized to dishonor the gifts of sincere affection. 
 
 The presents of usefulness, such as silver, furni- 
 ture, linen, etc., may not be given by those outside 
 the family circle. Books, pictures, anything that 
 will be an acknowledgment of the refined tastes of 
 the recipients, may be contributed by those outside 
 the family. 
 
 The wedding gift with the funeral bouquet has 
 fallen into disrepute. The reasons suggest them- 
 selves to thinking people. 
 
 Gifts are sent at any time within two months of 
 the wedding. The gifts which are sent to the bride, 
 such as silver, linen, etc., are marked, if inscribed 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 28 1 
 
 at all, with her maiden name ; those of the groom 
 with his cipher or initial. The bride acknowledges 
 by note, within a month, with her own hand, every 
 gift which she receives. Sometimes she carries, or 
 is followed on her wedding journey by a list of her 
 presents, so that she may thank the givers as early 
 as possible. 
 
 GIFTS OF THE GROOM. 
 
 The groom generally presents some souvenir of 
 the occasion to the bridesmaids and the ushers, and 
 ingenuity is put to the test to contrive some simple 
 but enduring novelty. Fans, rings, bangles, min- 
 iatures, prayer-books, lamps, etc., are given to the 
 maids, and canes, scarf-pins, sleeve-buttons and 
 spurs are among the things thought of for the 
 ushers, as a slight acknowledgment of their services^ 
 
 GIFTS OF THE BRIDE. 
 
 The bouquets of the bridesmaids and the bouton- 
 nieres of the ushers are the gift of the bride. If 
 she desire an unusual fashion or fabric for the 
 maids’ toilet, she provides these also. 
 
 ORDER OF ENTERING THE CHURCH. 
 
 The entry of the bridal party to the church may 
 be varied to suit the taste, but care must be taken 
 to avoid dramatic effects, while trying to be pictur- 
 esque and impressive. Instead of the formality 
 
 described in this chapter the following order may 
 19 
 
282 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 be observed: The bridesmaids first pass up the 
 
 aisle, each leaning upon the arm of a gentleman; 
 they turn at the altar, the ladies going to their left 
 and the gentlemen going to the right. The groom 
 follows, bearing his destined mother-in-law on his 
 arm, whom he seats in a convenient front pew at his 
 left. The bride follows, clinging to the arm of her 
 father, or nearest of kin in case she has no father. 
 At her left, and a step or two back of her, her 
 father waits until asked to give her away, which he 
 does by taking her right hand and placing it in that 
 of the clergyman. After this brief but important 
 formality, he joins the lady who entered with the 
 groom and becomes her escort. The father and 
 mother pass out of the church just behind the 
 bridal company. 
 
 Where there are no bridesmaids or ushers, the 
 order of the ceremonies is as follows: The mem- 
 
 bers of the bride’s family set off before the bride. 
 She follows with her mother. The bridegroom 
 awaits them and gives his arm to the mother. 
 They walk up the aisle to the altar, the mother 
 falling back to her position on the left. The father 
 or relatives representing the father, conduct the 
 bride to the bridegroom, who stands at the altar 
 steps with his face turned toward her as she ap- 
 proaches, and the father falls back to the left. The 
 relatives follow, taking their places standing, those 
 of the bride to the left, those of the groom to the 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 283 
 
 right, as previously arranged in rehearsal — for a 
 rehearsal should always precede the ceremony by a 
 day or two. The bride stands on the left of the 
 groom. They kneel at the altar a moment, they 
 rise, she turns back the finger of her left glove 
 — which has previously been cut — to receive the 
 ring ; he removes . the glove from his right hand. 
 The service begins, the father of the bride giving 
 her away by bowing when the question is asked, 
 instead of stepping forward and placing her hand in 
 that of the clergyman. 
 
 Perfect self-control is necessary to the dignity of 
 any ceremony ; public exhibitions of feeling must 
 not be indulged. 
 
 The bride leaves the altar, taking the groom’s 
 right arm. They pass down the aisle without look- 
 ing to the right or the left. Acquaintances must 
 not be recognized while in the church. 
 
 The bridal pair drive away in their own carriage, 
 the rest of the company following in carriages. 
 
 Still another form of entry to the church is as 
 follows: When the bridal party has arranged itself 
 
 for entrance, the ushers enter in pairs, march 
 slowly up to the altar and turn to the right, keep- 
 ing step to the music. Behind them follows the 
 groom alone. When he reaches the altar he turns 
 and faces the aisle, awaiting the coming of the 
 bride. After a very slight interval, the brides- 
 maids follow him, in pairs if there be but few, and 
 
284 the etiquette of weddings. 
 
 they turn to the left. Another brief interval, a'nd 
 the bride, alone and entirely veiled, with her eyes 
 cast down, follows. The groom comes forward a 
 few steps to meet her, takes her hand and places 
 her at the altar. Both kneel for a moment. The 
 parents of the bride having followed her, stand be- 
 hind her and slightly to the left. The service pro- 
 ceeds as usual. All churches use the ring and vary 
 the sentiments of its adoption to suit the customs 
 and ideas of their own rites. Passing out of the 
 church, the bridal pair go first, the maids follow 
 slowly, each leaning upon the arm of an usher. 
 
 STREWING FLOWERS. 
 
 Among the pleasant variations to the solemnity 
 of church weddings, which etiquette heartily ap- 
 proves, although it does not prescribe it, is the 
 strewing of flowers in the path of the young couple 
 as they go away from the altar. Little girls with 
 baskets of blossoms rise up like unsuspected fairies 
 while the clergyman is congratulating the bride, and 
 slowly drop roses down the aisle to the carriage. 
 Sometimes garlands of flowers that have been in- 
 visible are suddenly seen stretched across the aisle 
 at brief intervals by little girls who stand upon the 
 seats at the ends of the pews and lift their garlands 
 high in the air to wave them over the heads of the 
 bridal party. 
 
 Sometimes, instead of garlands, they toss rose 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 285 
 
 leaves in many colors from the same high position 
 all over the out-going company. “ Many other fan- 
 ciful and charming devices may be added to the 
 brief brightness of the moment.” 
 
 CALLS OR CARDS. 
 
 Calls or card-leaving by every guest upon the 
 family of the bride is a rigid formality, within ten 
 days after the wedding. 
 
 MARRIED NAME. 
 
 The bride drops her middle name if she desire 
 to do so and takes her family name thus: Mrs. 
 
 Blanche Archer Cumberland, or she may sign her- 
 self Mrs. John Willis Cumberland, or Mrs. J. W. 
 Cumberland. Each has its advantages. If she 
 has been prominent in any way, socially or profes- 
 sionally, she retains her identity by the first method; 
 it also enables acquaintances to keep trace of her — 
 the memory of man is not infallible and friends be- 
 come scattered far and wide. If the lady should 
 become a widow, she would lay aside her husband’s 
 initials with her mourning garments, although there 
 are exceptions to this rule. The widow of General 
 Sherman’s brother, James, retained his Christian 
 name as long as she lived. 
 
 WEDDING COSTUMES IN ENGLAND AND FRANCE. 
 
 Nothing black is permissible at a wedding in 
 England. In France the mothers of the bride and 
 
286 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 bridegroom frequently wear black velvet gowns and 
 black lace bonnets, with some bright color in the 
 garniture of both gowns and bonnets, and the bride- 
 groom is married in full evening dress, although the 
 bride wears high corsage and long sleeves. 
 
 WHAT THE BRIDEGROOM PAYS FOR. 
 
 The bridegroom presents the bride with the wed- 
 ding ring and her bouquet, and makes her any 
 present he desires and can afford. But he does not 
 furnish the cards or carriages (except, of course, 
 his ownj nor the wedding breakfast; this is done by 
 the family of the bride. As has before been stated 
 he presents the bridesmaids and ushers with some 
 trifling souvenir. It should also be stated that he 
 pays the clergyman’s fee and of course for the mar- 
 riage license. 
 
 MARRIAGE FEES. 
 
 It is frequently asked how much the bridegroom 
 should pay the officiating clergyman. A rich man 
 may give any sum from five to five hundred dollars, 
 according as his liberality dictates. • A man of mod- 
 erate means may give from five to twenty dollars. 
 
 FIXING THE WEDDING DAY. 
 
 It is the privilege of the bride’s mother to name 
 the wedding day. 
 
 Let me say before leaving this interesting subject 
 that I have tried to give all the details of a showy 
 
THE ETIQUETTE OF V/EDDINGS. 287 
 
 wedding ceremony for the guidance of those who 
 may need them, as well as the necessary formalities 
 of all weddings; a certain amount of formality is 
 necessary to make the marriage contract legal; yet 
 a man and woman may be married in the presence 
 of a few friends, or of one or two friends, and start 
 on life’s journey as auspiciously as many who make 
 more show. For those who cannot afford the “pomp 
 and pageantry” it is downright dishonesty to indulge 
 themselves in it. I have known brilliant church 
 weddings to cause the parents of the bride sleepless 
 nights of anxiety and months of pinching economy, 
 yet neither the bride nor the mother had the moral 
 courage to depart from the usages of their set. 
 
CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 celebration of the anniversaries of the 
 wedding day by noticeable festivities, is not 
 so popular as formerly. It is a beautiful cus- 
 tom to remember the birthdays and the wedding 
 days in the family with the tried and true hearts 
 gathered around the festal board. There is a deli- 
 cate expression of love and good will in the little 
 souve7ii7^s that are presented by the members of the 
 family, to the ones in whose honor the quiet but 
 hearty good cheer is given. But the liberal dona- 
 tions made to the house-furnishing by friends and 
 neighbors upon these anniversary occasions, and 
 the ostentatious display of costly gifts, have caused 
 the refined and delicate-minded to refrain from 
 celebrating, as was once the custom, by inviting 
 friends and acquaintances from far and near. 
 
 The value of a gift is measured by the motive of 
 the giver. If that m.otive is to advertise his wealth, 
 or to vie with a neighbor in display, or to place the 
 recipient under obligation, he, the recipient is hu- 
 milated; and to be obliged to ‘have “No presents” 
 engraved upon his cards, seems to him like an ex- 
 pression of doubt as to the sincerity of his friends’ 
 
 ^288) 
 
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 289 
 
 
 professions. So he would rather confine his hospi- 
 talities on these dates to the limits of his immedi- 
 ate family. And yet there are many who still make 
 great rejoicings on the wedding anniversaries. 
 
 While the giving of costly presents is discounte- 
 nanced by the sensitive and the refined, many valu- 
 able gifts are the tokens of sincere and honest 
 regard and there are those who still insist upon 
 thus decorating for their friends, the mile-stones on 
 life’s journey. 
 
 FANCIFUL NAMES OF MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 The marriage anniversary which falls after the 
 first year is called a “cotton wedding;” at the end 
 of the second year it is, “paper;” third year, “leather;” 
 the fifth year it is called “wooden;” the seventh, 
 “woolen;” the tenth, “tin;” twelfth year, “ silk and 
 fine linen;” fifteenth year, “crystal;” twentieth, 
 “china;” twenty-fifth, “silver;” thirtieth, “pearl;” 
 fortieth, “ ruby ;” fiftieth, “golden;” sixtieth, “dia- 
 mond.” Some place the last or “diamond wed- 
 ding” after the pair have lived together for seventy- 
 five years. There are very few “couples” who 
 live together so many years as husband and wife. 
 
 While only the “tin,” the “silver,” and the “gol- 
 den” wedding are given much prominence in the 
 memorable days of a life, there are many who 
 celebrate the lesser days. 
 
290 
 
 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 THE PAPER WEDDING. 
 
 The invitations were formerly issued on a colored 
 paper, representing thin card-board. The presents 
 are entirely of articles made of paper, such as 
 books, note-paper and envelopes, sheet music, en- 
 gravings, and sets of toy furniture made of paper. 
 
 THE LEATHER WEDDING 
 
 besides the merriment of the company, calls out 
 gifts of leather; belts, shoes, slippers, hand-bags, 
 shawl-straps, are among the articles provided for the 
 occasion. The invitations used to be printed upon 
 leather cards, but this is a thing of the past. In- 
 deed these “ minor” anniversaries are now seldom 
 kept, except by the family. 
 
 THE WOODEN WEDDING. 
 
 The invitations to this wedding used to be written 
 upon thin cards of wood. Or they were written 
 upon wedding note-paper and a wooden card en- 
 closed. 
 
 The presents appropriate for this date, are 
 wooden articles, usually some nice piece of wood- 
 carving, such as a picture-frame, a screen, a chair, 
 or any inexpensive ornament made of wood. 
 
 THE TIN WEDDING. 
 
 The invitations to this anniversary celebration, 
 
 - are similar to other wedding invitations. Those 
 
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 291 
 
 who desire to accompany their congratulations with 
 material expressions, often have articles manufac- 
 tured of tin expressly for the occasion; such as tin 
 fans, tin chandeliers, tin card-receivers and any 
 other objects which the inventive genius of the don- 
 ors may suggest. 
 
 THE CRYSTAL WEDDING. 
 
 Next comes the crystal wedding — on the fifteenth 
 anniversary. The presents appropriate to remind 
 the wedded pair how many miie-stones they have 
 passed, are of glass, and include such articles of orna- 
 ment as suggest themselves to the refined taste of 
 the donor. 
 
 THE CHINA WEDDING. 
 
 The name indicates the character of the tokens 
 of respect presented to the bride and groom of 
 twenty years standing. Vases, mantel ornaments, 
 articles for the toilet stand, and from near relatives, 
 even the dining and tea-tables may receive acces- 
 sions to their furnishings. 
 
 THE SILVER WEDDING. 
 
 The silver wedding, or twenty-fifth anniversary, 
 is quite generally made the occasion for rejoicing in 
 which the friends and acquaintances of the family 
 are invited to participate. The host and hostess 
 secure as many guests as are living and within reach, 
 
292 
 
 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 from those who attended their wedding. The wed- 
 ding garments, or at least so much of them as re- 
 main, are worn. It may be on 4 y a fan or a ribbon, 
 or a piece of lace, or it may be the whole dress. 
 If possible the clergyman who performed the mar- 
 riage ceremony is present. 
 
 The present style of cards of invitation to an 
 anniversary party, are the same as to any ordinary 
 entertainment. The invitations may be and are 
 unusally engraved in script, though sometimes they 
 are printed in silver. One formula is in the follow- 
 ing style: 
 
 1865 1890 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. James Whitcomb 
 i^equest the pleasure of your presence 
 on Wednesday, December twenty-third, 
 at eight o' clock. 
 
 Silver Wedding. 
 
 James Whitcomb. Anna Cary. 
 
 Another form is the following: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. George Riley, 
 on the twenty-fifth anniversary of their marriage, 
 Tuesday evening, November tenth, 
 at half- past eight o'clock. 
 
 No gifts received. 36 High Street. 
 
 In acknowledging the invitation, either to accept 
 or decline, kind congratulations are added in such 
 words as the feelings of the writer, governed by his 
 
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 293 
 
 acquaintance or intimacy with the givers of the en- 
 tertainment, dictate. 
 
 The clergyman returns thanks for the prolonged 
 life of the pair, with other impressive formalities, 
 sometimes repeating the marriage ceremony. 
 
 After the clergyman has completed his part of 
 the ceremony, the near kinspeople offer congratula- 
 tions first, then other guests follow. 
 
 When a formal supper is provided, the host and 
 hostess lead together, and the guests follow as at 
 an ordinary party. 
 
 If there is dancing, the bride and groom lead the 
 first set, which is usually a cotillon. The guests 
 take leave before midnight, after having expressed 
 wishes for many more years of health and happi- 
 ness to the host and hostess. 
 
 The formal after-calls are obligatory upon all 
 who are invited. 
 
 Mere acquaintances will not take the risk of of- 
 fending their entertainers, by disregarding the in- 
 junction, “ no gifts received,” but intimate friends 
 and near kinspeople, do take this liberty, and many 
 inexpensive as well as some costly presents are 
 sent before the entertainment. 
 
 THE GOLDEN WEDDING. 
 
 Golden wedding: The very words suggest sad- 
 
 ness, but it ought not to be so. The pair who have 
 climbed the hill together, through sunshine and 
 
294 
 
 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 
 
 through rain; who have suffered and rejoiced to- 
 gether, through a long and useful life; who have 
 had time and experience to build grand and noble 
 characters and who are now ready to hear the 
 cheerful summons, “Well done,” ought to rejoice 
 and give thanks to the Giver of all good, for the 
 life that is past and its opportunities, and for the 
 life w^hich is to come. Yet very few old people do 
 rejoice, and very few old people care to celebrate 
 their golden wedding anniversary. When it is 
 done, it is done at the solicitation of the younger 
 kinspeople. 
 
 When the fiftieth marriage anniversary is cele- 
 brated, the invitations, the ceremony and the en- 
 tertainment are similar to those of the silver wed- 
 ding, golden being substituted for silver, in the 
 engraved words, and golden presents are brought in 
 place of silver. 
 
CHAPTER XXm. 
 
 CAUDLE PARTIES, CHRISTENINGS AND 
 BIRTHDAYS. 
 
 ■^P^TER the birth of a child is made known — 
 usually through the newspapers —friends and 
 ^ acquaintances call and send in their cards, or 
 send them by their servants or other messengers 
 with kind inquiries. 
 
 When the mother is ready to see her friends, if 
 she wish to do so, she sends out cards to a 
 “caudle” party. This is usually done when the 
 babe is six weeks old, often to the injury of the 
 young mother. Caudle, a delicious beverage com- 
 posed of wine, eggs, sugar and spices, is given the 
 guests to drink, hence the name of the entertain- 
 ment. A light luncheon is also served. This is a 
 modified English custom, which has been handed 
 down from long ago. 
 
 The mother receives her friends in a pretty tea 
 gown and baby is the hero of the hour. 
 
 The caudle party and the christening are some- 
 times, but not often, held together. When not 
 held at the same time, or when no caudle is given, 
 the mother issues invitations to a reception, at 
 which the christening takes place. 
 
 (295) 
 
296 CAUDLE PARTIES, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 
 
 The naming of a child as well as the selecting of 
 god-parents, is an important matter. The selec- 
 tion of a name which a child is to carry through 
 life and have chiselled upon his tomb-stone after 
 death, may well cause the parents to “pause and 
 consider.” How many poor children, when they 
 become old enough to appreciate “ what’s in a 
 name,” would gladly go back to this event in their 
 lives .and undo what loving but injudicious parents 
 have done. 
 
 One has suggested that we cling to the neutral 
 names of William, John, Francis, Charles, Henry, 
 Mary, Sarah, Arthur, Edith, etc., instead of bestow- 
 ing such philosophical reminders as Francis Bacon, 
 or such dramatic ones as William Shakespeare or 
 Junius Brutus Booth; or, such other classifications, 
 poetic, religious, patriotic, romantic or reverential, 
 as are suggested by Alfred Tennyson or George 
 Gordon Noel Byron; Hezekiah, George Washing- 
 ton, Olivia, Patrick or Benjamin Franklin, on the 
 ground that the contrast suggested, between the 
 original owner of the name and the namesake, is 
 painfully ludicrous. 
 
 As to the selection of god-parents, there was a 
 time when it meant much more than it does to-day. 
 With some exceptions, it is little more than a form. 
 Where the charge is faithfully accepted, it is a 
 solemn thing. 
 
CAUDLE PARTIES, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 2gj 
 
 THE CHRISTENING 
 
 is usually, though not always associated with the 
 baptism. The religious part of the ceremony is 
 performed according to the rites of the church to 
 which the parents belong, and the christening is 
 thought to be a good time to dedicate the child to 
 the service of their peculiar faith. This ceremony 
 may take place at the church or at the home. 
 
 INVITATIONS 
 
 are issued to a reception to be held from four to six 
 o’clock in the afternoon, and are in the following or 
 a similar formula: 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Townsend Magoun 
 request the Jionor of your presence at the: 
 christening of their daughter \or so}t\ 
 at five d clock, Thursday , December sixth. 
 
 Reception from four to six. 
 
 203 Greenwood Avenue. 
 
 Prompt acknowledgment is made by those receiv- 
 ing these cards. 
 
 A note in the first person is sent to the friend 
 whom the parents wish to stand sponsor for the 
 child. The godparents are chosen from among the 
 friends and relatives of the parents, after one of 
 whom the child is usually named. 
 
 20 
 
298 CAUDLE PARTIES, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 
 
 GODPARENT AND GODCHILD. 
 
 In the older countries the relationship between 
 godparent and godchild lasts through life, a most 
 tender affection sometimes existing between them, 
 and a kindly solicitude for the child is held by the 
 godparent. A dear little Swiss woman, exhibiting 
 her jewels, said, with tears in her eyes: “ Here is a 
 brooch given me by my godmother; next to my 
 own mother's jewels I value it above all my posses- 
 sions.” Discussing the subject she said: ‘/It is a 
 
 beautiful custom. I wonder you Americans do not 
 make more of it. With us, when a young girl loses 
 her mother, as in my own case, she still has a 
 motherly eye to watch over her, and in many cases 
 a motherly heart to love her.” 
 
 When the christening formalities are held at the 
 church the reception is given at the home after- 
 wards. 
 
 In the Episcopal church there are always three 
 sponsors for a child. For a boy there are two god- 
 fathers and one godmother. For a girl one god- 
 father and two godmothers. This the rubrics re- 
 quire, but the reception is a matter of choice with 
 the parents. 
 
 In most if not all other churches there is but one 
 godfather and one godmother; sometimes only a 
 godmother for a girl and a godfather for a boy. 
 
 The sponsors generally give some little gift, as a 
 
CAUDLE PARTIES, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 299 
 
 silver cup, spoon, knife or fork; sometimes the god- 
 mother gives the robe and cap. 
 
 If the christening is held entirely at home the 
 guests arrive before five o’clock, in reception or vis- 
 iting toilets, and meet the host and hostess just as 
 they would at any other reception. 
 
 The house is decorated with flowers: There is 
 
 always music, instrumental or vocal. A temporary 
 font is arranged by placing a small table in a prom- 
 inent position in the room, and in the center of the 
 table a glass or silver goblet. The table may be 
 draped with smilax and adorned with flowers, or it 
 may be simply covered with a dainty spread. 
 
 The rites are quite as solemn and the obligations 
 just as binding when performed amidst plain sur- 
 roundings, but the brighter and more beautiful they 
 can be made the better for all present, especially for 
 the parents, who dedicate their child to the influence 
 of “ The Good, the True and the Beautiful.” This 
 expression is used in at least one church. 
 
 At five o’clock the child is brought to the parents, 
 who are then joined by the sponsors. If it be a girl 
 two young ladies are sometimes selected to stand 
 instead of a man and a woman. 
 
 The young ladies are dressed in white. Whoever 
 stand as sponsors, when the party have taken their 
 places near the font, the parents stand in the cen- 
 ter and the sponsors on either side; a hymn is sung 
 and the rites, according to the church of the officiat- 
 
300 CAUDLE PARTIES, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 
 
 in^ clergyman, are gone through. Then there is 
 music and a benediction, after which the parents 
 receive congratulations. Refreshments are served 
 as at any afternoon entertainment. 
 
 BIRTHDAYS. 
 
 Everywhere in the United States the giving of 
 children’s birthday parties is an established custom. 
 There is nothing more helpful to the littl© ones in 
 establishing a code of manners and confirming 
 them in that self-reliance, ease and grace, which it 
 is the mother’s duty to constantly insist upon, than 
 these annual trainings. Of course this is not the 
 object of birthday parties, but if in giving them 
 pleasure we will also give them valuable instruc- 
 tion so much the better. 
 
 While we insist that a child’s training should be- 
 gin before he is born, and that the mother must 
 never relax her watchful care for a moment, and 
 that little ones must be polite in the family and at 
 home, yet there is a polish obtainable from contact 
 with others that we seldom attain without it. 
 
 We have adopted the Russian style of announc- 
 ing the number of birthdays our darling has had — 
 that of embedding a wax candle for each year in a 
 cake made for the purpose. The Russians have a 
 birthday cake-dish constructed with sockets around 
 the edge or rim, into one of which an additional 
 candle is put each returning birthday. There the 
 
CAUDLE PARTIES, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 3OI 
 
 servants prepare the cake and present it to the one 
 in whose honor the birthday breakfast is given (ex- 
 pecting and receiving a reward or remembrance.) 
 The breakfast is given at an early hour, the birth- 
 days of old and young being always celebrated. 
 
 Instead of the breakfast we give the little ones a 
 supper. After the supper the one who is celebrat- 
 ing a birthday cuts the cake and sends by the ser- 
 vant a piece of it to each little guest before they 
 retire from the table. 
 
 After supper plays and dancing are the amuse- 
 ments. It is not now considered in good taste to 
 make presents unless it be a few flowers or pos- 
 sibl}^ a book. 
 
 These celebrations are continued until the child 
 enters society, when they are discontinued until we 
 become “astonishingly old,” when we again cele- 
 brate, perhaps in gratitude or thanksgiving for the 
 nearness of the end of celebrations for us. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE SCHOOL-ROOM. 
 
 -S the school must supplement the home in 
 the bringing up of children, it is not out of 
 place here to remind teachers of the import- 
 ance of looking to the manners as well as the 
 morals and intellectual training of those under 
 their care. 
 
 If pupils are well trained at home, it is the 
 teacher’s duty to the parents to see that their teach- 
 ing is not counteracted. To those of their pupils 
 who have no home training, it is their duty to the 
 children to cultivate, at least, common civility. 
 
 If “manners make the man,” and the object of 
 education is to fit the child for a life of usefulness, 
 then the teaching of manners should begin ‘with 
 the alphabet and end with graduation. 
 
 Teachers’ certificates should include examinations 
 in good manners. They must, of course, teach by 
 example as well as by precept. Treating pupils 
 politely will almost always call out politeness from 
 them. 
 
 An unintentional act of rudeness upon the part 
 of a child, especially of one ignorant from lack of 
 
 (302) 
 
ETIQUETTE OF THE SCHOOL-ROOM. 303 
 
 home training, should be reproved privately and 
 gently. It’s self-respect should not be lowered by 
 a public reprimand. 
 
 Pupils should be taught to address the teacher as 
 Miss Brown or Mr. Brown, and never as '‘Teacher.^’ 
 
 They should answer respectfully, as “Yes, Miss 
 Brown, or Yes Ma’am,” etc. 
 
 Young misses should be addressed by the 
 teacher as ‘‘Miss Mary, Miss Gertrude.” Young 
 boys under fourteen years of age (some say under 
 sixteen) should be addressed as “Master Jones,” 
 etc. After that age they are entitled to the title of 
 Mister. 
 
 The teacher should never so far forget the dig- 
 nity of her position as to show petulance or anger. 
 She arouses the same feelings in the children 
 through sympathy. Nagging and scolding harden 
 the little ones and destroy or, at least, lessen their 
 respect for her. 
 
 Pupils should be obliged to treat each other with 
 politeness, on the school-grounds as well as in the 
 building. 
 
 Teachers should never allow pupils to treat those 
 of a lower station in life with disrespect. Children 
 have been driven from school by ridicule of their 
 poor clothes, etc. We have known such cases. 
 
 Contradicting, pulling, pushing and ridiculing 
 others should not be allowed, and if one uninten- 
 
304 ETIQUETTE OF THE SCHOOL-ROOM. 
 
 tionally runs against another, he should be taught 
 to beg pardon for the seeming rudeness. 
 
 Domineering over others and general rowdyism 
 should be discouraged. 
 
 An injurious and disgusting habit, that of chew- 
 ing gum, has lately sprung up among our children 
 and it should be corrected, not only by all teachers 
 but by parents and guardians as well. 
 
 Untruthfulness should not be tolerated, and the 
 pupil should be taught that slang is degrading. 
 
 A teacher should not consider the recess time 
 as absolutely her own. An eye on the childrens’ 
 playground often prevents serious trouble, and still 
 more often sees many little defects in manners 
 which ought not to be passed by and repeated. 
 
 “Young teachers cannot realize with what fear 
 and dread mothers intrust their carefully-reared 
 children (especially quite young ones) to their care. 
 It is intrusting not only their precious bodies, but 
 their manners and their souls. 
 
 “The entire atmosphere of a school-room is de- 
 pendent upon trifles. Where a teacher, by her 
 own action and in accordance with her require- 
 ments, insures kindness and politeness from all to 
 all, she may feel almost sure of the success of her 
 school, for 'Well begun is half won.’ 
 
 “It is hardly to be expected that young pupils, 
 say boys and girls from eight to twelve years of 
 age, will address one another, upon the play- 
 
ETIQUETTE OF THE SCHOOL-ROOM. 305 
 
 grounds, as ‘ master ’ and ‘ miss,’ although these 
 titles should be used when addressing or speaking 
 of one another in the school-room. 
 
 “It is a common occurence for a teacher to 
 speak disrespectfully of a pupil’s parents, blaming 
 them for the pupil’s lack of interest in school, tru- 
 ancy, etc. Such a course is highly reprehensible in 
 the teacher, and gains the pupil’s ill-will. It is bet- 
 ter to assume that the parents would be displeased 
 with anything wrong in the pupil, and to appeal to 
 the pupil to be a man for his mother’s or father’s 
 sake.” 
 
 “Good teachers make good scholars” says one, 
 and so polite teachers make polite scholars. 
 
CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 PROLONGED VISITS. 
 
 N England one invites a friend to come to make 
 a visit on a certain day, even naming the 
 train upon which he is expected to arrive, and 
 to extend his visit to a certain train on a certain 
 other day. The acceptance or refusal must be 
 prompt. This is all as it should be. Here we let 
 the guest fix the time of arrival and departure. 
 However we are beginning to adopt the English 
 custom in some places. 
 
 The European “system of hospitality” whose 
 rules are understood to be alike binding upon host 
 and guest, leaves little excuse for misunderstand- 
 ings. 
 
 To write out or fix a set of rules applicable to 
 hosts and guests under all circumstances and in all 
 places throughout this broad land, is an impos- 
 sibility. But there are some general laws of 
 hospitality which should be observed by enter- 
 tainer and entertained. 
 
 HOST AND HOSTESS 
 
 should do all in their power to contribute to the 
 comfort and amusement of guests both in and out 
 
 (306) 
 
PROLONGED VISITS. 
 
 307 
 
 of the house. They should entertain but not per- 
 secute. They should permit guests as much peace 
 and leisure as they desire. Amusement should be 
 proffered but not urged nor insisted upon. True 
 hospitality does not insist upon anything. 
 
 A polite hostess will sacrifice her own convenience 
 for the sake of her guests. There are hostesses so 
 indolent and selfish as to make visiting in their 
 households a burden rather than a pleasure. 
 
 While a hostess must keep all jarring of the do- 
 mestic machinery in the back ground, she must not 
 neglect her family duties. 
 
 “A perfect entertainer never confides her worries 
 or her sorrows to an abiding guest, much less will she 
 mention them to one whose visit is to be brief or is 
 only casual. It would be laying a burden upon 
 another at a season when the sacredness of hospi- 
 tality should protect him from every unpleasant 
 thought.” 
 
 She does not reprove the servants or the children 
 in the presence of visitors. She puts guests at ease 
 by being or at least appearing at ease herself. She 
 gives them a choice of hours for breakfast or should 
 if possible, do so. 
 
 If the hostess live in a country neighborhood and 
 her guest does not wish to make calls or go to 
 church sociables, she should take no offense and 
 should go without her if she herself wishes to go. 
 The day is past when hostess and guest must be 
 
308 
 
 PROLONGED VISITS. 
 
 together every minute, or when the one must feel 
 that she is entertaining and the other that she is 
 being entertained. 
 
 A lady when sending invitations to guests men- 
 tions the time when she will expect their arrival and 
 the length of the visit, and when the time comes for 
 their departure she will “speed the parting guest,” 
 as a part of her duties. 
 
 The hostess sends to the station for her visitors, 
 and if she can, meets ladies in person as a mark of 
 friendship and not of etiquette. The luggage is at- 
 tended to at the station by the servant, and after 
 arriving at the house, the visitor is detained by 
 conversation a short time in the reception-room to 
 give time to place it in the room assigned to the 
 guest. The hostess is not expected to show this 
 room herself, but sometimes goes with her guest as 
 a special mark of welcome. The host does the 
 same for a gentleman visitor. They inform their 
 guests of the hours for meals and leave them at 
 liberty to adapt themselves to the customs of the 
 house. Everything necessary for their comfort, is 
 of course provided. 
 
 When they depart, if it be by an earl}/ train they 
 take leave of their hosts the night before. 
 
 The superior hostess appreciates her obligations 
 and possesses the fine spirit of hospitality which in- 
 spires one to bestow pleasure rather than seek it. 
 She never allows her guest to feel that she is an in- 
 
PROLONGED VISITS. 
 
 309 
 
 convenience, but manages to inspire her with the 
 belief that her visit has been a blessing. 
 
 But hostesses are not all superior. There are 
 those who invite guests to their homes from motives 
 other than sincere hospitality. And yet others who 
 mean well, but who lack the inate refinement neces- 
 sary to a charming entertainer. They make life a 
 burden to the stranger within the gates by officious 
 fussiness; complaining, apologies for other guests 
 who are invited at the same time, thus confessing 
 to a lack of tact- in bringing the right people to- 
 gether, or in knowing what to do with them after 
 they have come together. To such we would say, 
 it would be better not to invite your friends to make 
 prolonged visits. 
 
 AS A GUEST 
 
 you should express appreciation of any effort to 
 entertain you. If your entertainers propose any 
 amusement, show your pleasure by falling in with 
 their plans if possible. 
 
 Both gentlemen and lady visitors should be able 
 to amuse themselves and let the hostess alone dur- 
 ing the early morning, unless rides, drives, walks or 
 other out-door entertainment has been planned. 
 
 Go to your own rooms and read, write letters, 
 mend your gloves, or do anything to rest yourselves 
 and keep out of the way. 
 
 If your hosts place at your disposal their horses, 
 
310 
 
 PROLONGED VISITS. 
 
 carriage, books, piano, etc., be careful not to abuse 
 their courtesy. Don’t ride or drive too fast or too 
 far. Don’t pluck rare flowers — or any others with- 
 out permission. Don’t play the piano if it will 
 annoy any one at study. 
 
 A thoughtful guest will make no trouble in a 
 house. She will not let her presence disarrange any 
 plans of her hostess. She will never be late to 
 dinner, nor object to the hour at which meals are 
 served. 
 
 Having accepted an invitation for a stated time, 
 she will let nothing persuade her to extend it beyond 
 that time. She may for good reasons shorten the 
 time. If well-bred she will cheerfully adapt her- 
 self to the customs of the house. 
 
 If she leave by an early morning train, she will 
 take leave of her hosts the night before. She will 
 thank the domestics who see her off, for their atten- 
 tion, and they will expect a material recognition in 
 the form of a “tip”. It is courteous also to 
 remember the maid who has cared for her room. 
 
 Men and women are not all model guests. If 
 one accept an invitation to become for the time 
 being a member of the household of another, she 
 should remember that her obligations as guest are 
 quite as sacred as are those of her friend as hostess. 
 If she forgets this, she proclaims herself as coarse 
 or ill-bred. 
 
CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 SERVANTS— THEIR DRESS AND DUTIES 
 
 ^I'^HE discussion of the causes and the cure of 
 |j| the domestic inharmony which exists in a 
 ^ large majority of our homes — supposed to 
 be brought about by the tyranny or incapacity of 
 the mistress on the one side, and the ignorance 
 and “spirit of equality” in the maid on the other — 
 we leave to sociologists. However, we may be 
 pardoned an occasional suggestion mixed in with 
 observations on the dress, duties, and manners 
 of servants. 
 
 In any other occupation, apprenticeship or train- 
 ing of some sort is necessary before the applicant 
 for employment dreams of offering his services or 
 of asking remuneration for them, but in that most 
 important of all services, upon which the comfort 
 and happiness of the household depend, the maid 
 will take charge of a department of your “ domestic 
 economy (J)"' with the effrontery of desperation. 
 
 The majority of our servants are untrained, 
 especially in politeness and obedience. Some will 
 object to the term obedience, but it is a good word 
 and “is not synonomous with obsequiousness, the 
 
 (311) 
 
312 SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 latter often implying meanness or servility, and 
 obedience being merely a proper submission to 
 authority.” Not long since a colored girl, serving 
 refreshm^ents at an afternoon tea, read the Declara- 
 tion of Independence to her mistress in refusing to 
 wear a cap, “’Cause Fse jes as good as wite folks 
 and you haint got no right to advetise me that 
 a-way, shore/ ’ and she asserted the Monroe Doctrine 
 by declaring, “I don’t want none o’ your fureign 
 customs on me.” It is needless to say that she 
 carried her point. 
 
 servants’ dress. 
 
 Says the author of the “Bazar Book of De- 
 corum,” “ We cannot for the world see why Bridget 
 and Katarina, and their mistress too, indeed, when 
 the occasion requires, should not dress appropriately 
 —to their spheres we do not say, but to their oc- 
 cupations. They would be gainers in every respect 
 — in taste, comfort, convenience and economy. It 
 is quite a mistake for the female servant to suppose 
 that by spending her money in gaudy dress and 
 mock finery she advances her social position, though 
 with her rustling silk she may pass in the dark, or, 
 coming out of the front door on a Sunday, be taken 
 at a distance for her mistress. She may spend a 
 half year’s wages on a flimsy bonnet; it will not 
 avail her — the sham lady will still be manifest. * 
 
 A white cap, a close-fitting jacket, with sleeves 
 
SERVANTS — THEIR DRESS, ETC. 3 I 3 
 
 neither so tight as to hinder movement nor so loose 
 as to lap up the gravy or sweep off the sherry glass, 
 and a short plain skirt of simple stuff, make an 
 appropriate costume for the household servant. 
 
 Any one who has seen the picture of 
 the Chocolate Girl of the Dresden Gallery will not 
 doubt of the picturesque capabilities of a dress 
 which was so effective in this particular instance 
 that it procured a rich and titled husband for the 
 original of the portrait.” 
 
 Aside from the orderliness and picturesqueness 
 of the white cap, it should be insisted on as essen- 
 tial to cleanliness. 
 
 In regard to the livery of servants, Mrs. Sher- 
 wood, in “ Manners and Social Usages,” says: “In 
 the early days of the Republic, before Thomas Jef- 
 ferson tied his horse’ s rein to the palings of the 
 fence and sauntered into the Capitol to be in- 
 augurated, the aristocrats of the various cities had 
 a livery for their servants. But after such a dash 
 of cold water in the face of established usage by 
 the Chief Magistrate of the country, many of the 
 old forms and customs of colonial times fell inta 
 disuse, and among others the wearing of a livery by 
 serving-men. A constantly declining grade of 
 shabbiness was the result of this, as the driver of 
 the horses wore a coat and hat of the same style 
 as his master, only less .clean and new. Like 
 
 21 
 
314 SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 many of our American ideas so good in theory, the 
 outcome of this attempt at ‘ Liberty, Equality and 
 Fraternity,’ was neither conducive to neatness nor 
 elegance. 
 
 But so strongly was the prejudice against liveries 
 instilled into the public mind that only seven years 
 ago (this was written in 1877) ^ gentleman of the 
 most aristocratic circle of aristocratic Philadelphia 
 declared that he refrained from having a liveried 
 servant behind his carriage from fear of shocking 
 public opinion. In New York the presence of a 
 large foreign social element long ago brought about 
 a revolution of opinion in this matter, and now 
 most persons who desire a neat, plain and appro- 
 priate style of dress for their coachmen and foot- 
 men put them in a livery for which the master pays. 
 Those who are particular in such matters do not 
 allow a waiter or a footman to wear a mustache, 
 and require all men-servants to be clean-shaven, 
 except the coachman, who is permitted to wear 
 whiskers. Each must have his hair cut short, and 
 the waiter must wear white gloves while waiting at 
 table or when handling refreshments, even a glass 
 of water on a silver salver must be brought with a 
 gloved hand.” 
 
 ‘ ‘ The housekeeper usually wears a tiny cap or 
 half square of white mull or lace, a black cashmere 
 or silk dress, and in the morning a black silk or al- 
 
SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 315 
 
 paca apron, or, if she prefers it, a white apron of 
 moderate size. 
 
 “The nitrsery governess does not wear a cap, 
 but she usually prefers a gray, brown or a black 
 costume, simply but neatly made, and an apron of 
 any dainty fabric while she is in the nursery. When 
 she goes out to drive, or to walk with the children, 
 she is clothed as any gentlewoman may be who is 
 not a devotee to society. 
 
 “A dining-room and parlor maid, if there is or is 
 not a butler, wears a light-colored cotton dress, 
 neatly and simply made, a large cambric or linen 
 apron, a muslin cap and silent shoes. The head 
 nurse, who has the entire care of the infants night 
 and day, wears soft dark wool or light-colored cot- 
 ton dresses, large aprons and ruffled caps with an 
 Alsatian bow in front and long ends at the back. 
 
 “The butler wears a dress suit and white tie at 
 dinner time, and the footmen are dressed in a livery 
 that has been adopted by the family. All the men 
 are careful to wear noiseless house shoes, are 
 smoothly shaven, brush their hair in tidy fashion 
 and keep it cut rather short. They wear fresh 
 white cotton gloves while serving at table. 
 
 “ Some families put their butlers in livery, and 
 this house dress corresponds with that of the coach- 
 man in its hue, its buttons, etc. As a general thing, 
 however, Americans do not ask their man to wear 
 
3i6 servants THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 the family colors. Liveries are furnished by the 
 employer. 
 
 “The kitchen sei'vants dress to suit their own 
 tastes, but the mistresses of all well-ordered estab- 
 lishments insist upon neat, serviceable and suitable 
 attire throughout the house. This much all ser- 
 vants owe to their employers, and a considerate 
 mistress will never present them, with her cast-off 
 fineries. It demoralizes certain characters, and is an 
 offense to the self-respect of others .” — Social Eti~ 
 qitette of Nezv York. 
 
 THE HOUSE-KEEPER AND HER DUTIES. 
 
 In large establishments in F'rance and England a 
 trained house-keeper is an absolute necessity. She 
 is a very important member of the household. 
 Here trained house-keepers, like trained servants, 
 are scarce and difficult to procure. 
 
 When an efficient house-keeper is employed she 
 assumes all the management of the domestics; she 
 hires and discharges them, trains them in their du- 
 ties, arranges their hours, etc., gives all the direc- 
 tions and sees that they are obeyed. She makes 
 the purchases and gives out the stores of food and 
 linen, carrying the keys herself. She keeps the ac- 
 counts and takes orders only from the master or 
 mistress. She has a sitting-room and chamber, in 
 the former of which she takes her meals, which are 
 prepared by the cook’s assistant. The lady’s maid. 
 
SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 317 
 
 the upper nurse and the nursery governess — where 
 such servants are employed — eat with her. They 
 have dinner at twelve and supper at six. 
 
 Most American housekeepers are what are called 
 working housekeepers — those with whom the lady 
 of the house shares the domestic cares. Such an 
 “assistant” does the marketing, makes the fine 
 desserts and takes care of such as remain after din- 
 ner, also of unfinished bottles of wine which she 
 locks away; that is, if there is no butler. 
 
 She visits the bed-rooms every day to see that the 
 chamber-maid has given them proper attention, and 
 that guests are made comfortable and supplied with 
 pens, ink and paper. She takes care of the linen, 
 counts and mends it, and if there is no m^aid she 
 does the family mending. If there is a maid and 
 she does the dressmaking, millinery, etc., of the 
 family the house- keeper has the care of the per- 
 sonal linen. 
 
 As the house-keeper and butler rarely get on well 
 together, many persons hire a man and his wife for 
 these two positions. 
 
 THE BUTLER. 
 
 If there is a butler, he is made responsible for 
 certain property put in his charge, and if there are 
 one or more footmen, he sees that they are properly 
 dressed and trained in their particular duties and 
 that these duties are properly performed. He has 
 
3i8 servants — THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 care of the wines; although the key to the wine- 
 cellar is kept either by the house-keeper, the mis- 
 tress or the master, and as much wine as is to be 
 used during the day or for several days is given out 
 to him by the one holding the key. He also takes 
 care of the unfinished bottles of wine left from 
 dinner. 
 
 He is responsible for the plate, line china, cut 
 glass, and all the fruits, jellies, etc., and the fine 
 desserts generally; also for a proper serving of the 
 breakfast, luncheon, five o’clock tea and the din- 
 ner. Although he has the care of the pantry, a 
 maid or footman washes the dishes and polishes the 
 silver. 
 
 The family decides whether he shall stand be- 
 hind the chair of the master, or that of the mis- 
 tress at dinner. One or two footmen may serve 
 under him at dinner, but he serves the other meals 
 without their assistance. 
 
 If there are few servants and the master does not 
 keep a valet, the butler waits upon him, looking 
 after the library, the billiard- room and the smoking- 
 room, seeing that the newspapers, magazines, etc., 
 are in their proper places and ready for perusal. 
 However, as most gentlemen prefer to cut the mag- 
 azines themselves, they are left uncut by the butler 
 and a paper-knife placed upon them. “He waits 
 upon the door, makes the salads,^ polishes the silver, 
 dresses the table, rises early and looks after the 
 
SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 319 
 
 boots, and attends to the open fires and lamps. 
 Sometimes he also cleans the windows, but in large 
 establishments, windows, door-steps and sidewalk, 
 boots, lamps, fires and silver-polishing are attended 
 to by the under footman, and the butler is respon- 
 sible for a proper performance of the work. When 
 the first footman serves at the door, assists at the 
 table, cares for the drawing-room, carries messages, 
 goes out upon the box with the coachman when 
 the ladies drive, or as groom in the saddle, the but- 
 ler attends the door in his absence. In return this 
 first footman assists in laying the table and clean- 
 ing the glass and china, when not otherwise oc- 
 cupied.” 
 
 THE lady’s maid. 
 
 A lady’s maid, in America, holds a different posi- 
 tion from a lady’s maid in England. She is required 
 to do more “extra” work, and if there is no house- 
 keeper, whose sitting-room (which is also her dining- 
 room) she may share, she eats with the other ser- 
 vants; she washes her own clothes and makes her 
 own bed. 
 
 She must understand dress-making, hair-dressing, 
 lace-mending, trunk-packing, shopping and many 
 other things which make her useful to her em- 
 ployer. She is expected to cut, fit and make all 
 except the “grand” dresses of the ladies of the 
 household; to clean and mend laces, to dress the 
 
320 
 
 SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 lady’s hair and keep the scalp in a healthy condi- 
 tion, to prepare the bath, to assist the mistress or 
 ladies in dressing for riding, driving, for a ball, 
 afternoon tea or a dinner, and to take care of and 
 put away the costumes after these and all other 
 occasions. 
 
 Where there are young ladies in the family, she 
 attends them in the street, and sometimes attends 
 the ladies to parties, waiting in the dressing-room. 
 When she does not accompany them, unless she 
 has been given the evening, she should wait up, and 
 if they desire it have a cup of hot tea or chocolate 
 ready. She will assist them to undress, comb 
 their hair and prepare it for the night. 
 
 If she is expected to do extra duty, such as tak- 
 ing care of the bric-a-brac, caring for the plants 
 and cut flowers, bathing the pet dog and taking 
 him out for an airing, it should be specified when 
 she is engaged^ so that she can refuse the place, or 
 make no '‘fuss” afterwards. The number of even- 
 ings given her and other privileges should also be 
 understood, as v/ell as the stvle of dress she is ex- 
 pected to wear. 
 
 THE NURSERY GOVERNESS 
 
 may be a “ French or German woman with a fair 
 education, good manners, a controlled temper and 
 unquestionable character; ’ or she may be an 
 American woman, well-educated but obliged to 
 
SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 321 
 
 earn her own living. She has charge of the child- 
 ren, “ not far on in learning.” If she is a foreigner, 
 she teaches them to speak her own language, looks 
 after their manners, washes and dresses them, 
 walks and drives with them, reads to them, always 
 eats with them, and instructs them in table man- 
 ners. 
 
 I 
 
 “The nursery maid performs all their chamber 
 work, washes the clothing of the governess, unless 
 other arrangements are made by the mistress, 
 serves them at table if they eat in the nurser}^ and 
 waits upon them promptly and cheerfully, accord- 
 ing to the directions of the governess. 
 
 “When the children are too old to require a nurs- 
 ery maid, the cook’s assistant serves the meals in 
 the nursery and waits upon the table, which should 
 always be abundant, perfectly cooked, and nicely 
 served, but not rich in quality or consisting of too 
 great a variety of food at one meal.” 
 
 The cook’s assistant prepares the house-keeper’s 
 meals and the servant’s dinners, besides assisting in 
 the preparation of the plainer dishes for the dining 
 room. A separate breakfast for the servants, the 
 children, and the master and mistress; childrens’ 
 dinner, servants’ dinner and luncheon; the seven 
 o’clock dinner, the childrens’ tea and the servants’ 
 supper, make nine meals a day for a family employ- 
 ing the number of servants we have been describ- 
 ing. 
 
322 
 
 SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 The duties of the first footman have been de- 
 scribed in connection with those of the butler. It is 
 the duty of the under footman to rise first in the 
 morning, make the fires, clean the boots, look after 
 the lamps, open the shutters, sweep the steps, etc. 
 Of course this is where there are two footmen; 
 when there is a butler and but one footman, they 
 divide the work as above described. 
 
 “Of course,” says the author of Social Etiquette 
 of New York, “in a republic, where every individ- 
 ual householder has a perfect right to arrange his 
 affairs to please himself, there is and will be, for at 
 least a long time to come, a somewhat unsettled 
 code for domestic service, but the earlier there is a 
 general uniformity of established regulations for 
 mistress and maid, the happier will it be for both. 
 
 “Such of our citizens as have sufficient ambition 
 to live after a fashion befitting large incomes, are 
 glad to learn the most satisfactory methods of en- 
 joying hospitality and social life at home, but the 
 rich are, and always will be, in a small minority 
 when compared with the families who possess but 
 moderate incomes.” 
 
 To those of “moderate income,” we would 
 further address ourselves. A very large majority of 
 the families of America employ but one servant, 
 or at most two. There seems to be a feeling in 
 both the employing and the serving classes that each 
 is the enemy of the other. This is not true of all 
 
SERVANTS — THEIR DRESS, ETC. 323 
 
 masters and servants and should not be true of 
 any. 
 
 “The whole fabric of society,” says Harriet Pres- 
 cott Spofford, “is one of interwoven dependence; 
 if the employed cannot be independent of the em- 
 ployer, neither can the employer be independent of 
 the employed; each owes the other also a duty in 
 the complete fulfillment of the tacit contract be- 
 tween them; so that on the whole it is exactly as 
 honorable to be a good servant as to be a good mas- 
 ter.” 
 
 This is equally true of mistress and maid. While 
 mutual obligations should be better understood 
 and respected, the mistress has it in her power to 
 bring about a better domestic service than we have 
 to-day, by kindly exacting the performance of every 
 obligation of the maid, and while faithfully fulfilling 
 her own, allow no familiarity but command the re- 
 spect due her, by her own dignified manner and 
 speech. This is consistent with true kindness and 
 consideration. 
 
 Many young mistresses who are learning the intri- 
 cacies of house-keeping — and I fear the fault is not 
 confined to young women — make the mistake of in- 
 dulging their domestics in privileges which ought 
 not to be allowed, and overlooking carelessness and 
 other faults which in a short time become unbear- 
 able. 
 
 Our servants are all untrained foreigners, who 
 
324 
 
 SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 come to “free America” for “liberty” of every sort, 
 which with them, unless restrained, soon degener- 
 ates into license. The Irish and the Germans have 
 their peculiarities, but perhaps the most so-called 
 independent servants among them are the clannish 
 Scandinavians. There is great complaint of poor 
 health among them on account of the hard work 
 exacted of them. It is hard to find a physically sound 
 one, but it is not the hard work they do, it is the late 
 hours they keep, and their utter disregard of the 
 laws of health that demoralizes them. Where it is 
 permitted — and we are sorry to say, many mis- 
 tresses, especially in the smaller cities do permit 
 it — they are out night after night until twelve 
 o’clock and after, and it is no wonder that Barbara 
 or Tillie gets up with a headache and a cough and 
 is cross and thinks herself abused, ^vhile the lady 
 thinks no mistress was ever so tried, and the master 
 knows he is a martyr at the steak, and there is 
 jarring in the domestic machinery and nobody 
 knows whal is the matter. 
 
 The lady of the house should be mistress in fact 
 as well as in name; have her rules for the govern- 
 ment of her family, including that indispensable 
 personage the maid, and their observance should 
 be firmly yet kindly insisted upon. Each mistress 
 makes her own rules — or ought to — as to how many 
 afternoons and evenings Bridget may have, and at 
 what hour her house shall be closed for the night, 
 
SERVANTS — THEIR DRESS, ETC. 325 
 
 but there are some qualifications which every ser- 
 vant, man and maid, must have, if she desires to 
 keep her friends and acquaintances, and the great- 
 est of these are good manners, neatness and at- 
 tention. 
 
 “Like mistress, like maid,” after the latter has 
 been trained by the former, so the mistress v/ill 
 teach her maid, or man, to respond to the bell 
 quickly; to answer every one civilly; to admit no 
 one when the mistress is not “at home;” to deliver 
 notes promptly, in short to assume the care of his 
 or her work, and not expect the tired lady to do 
 their thinking for them. 
 
 When there are more than one servant, the work 
 of each should be clearly defined, so that there shall 
 be no trouble about “my work” or “not his work.” 
 
 The mistress should carry the keys herself, and 
 • give out the food to be cooked as it is needed, and 
 also the changes of linen, napery, etc. 
 
 The kitchen is the root of the home. Out of it 
 grows the heart’s-ease, flower of contentment, or 
 the snap-dragon of dyspepsia. The sooner we un- 
 derstand this and teach our kitchen help to do the 
 same, the better will it be for our domestic happi- 
 ness. The mistress should understand the chemis- 
 try of cooking, and see that the girl, at least, fol- 
 lows her directions in preparing the meals, if she 
 does not understand the reasons wh}^ Ever}<^ girl 
 who takes a place of maid-of-all-work .should be 
 
326 SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 able to do all kinds of cooking, or, at least, do her 
 utmost to speedily learn. 
 
 Where there are daughters in the family, they 
 either take turns with the mother as housekeeper, 
 or each has her particular work to do each day. 
 
 The maid should have a clean gown, cap and 
 apron hanging in the kitchen closet, which she 
 should quickly don before serving the meals. The 
 mistress furnishes the caps and aprons, and they 
 are her property and must not be taken from the 
 house when any maid leaves her service. 
 
 When there are two servants employed, they are 
 called the cook and the waiter — the latter is some- 
 times called the second girl. They do all the work 
 of the family, including the washing. 
 
 The cook prepares the meals, takes care of the 
 basement and its belongings, cellar, laundry, etc., 
 and kitchen, wherever it is — in the basement or 
 above it; washes all the kitchen dishes, and the 
 heavy and greasy dishes and platters from the din- 
 ing room; and assists with the washing and ironing. 
 Some cooks do all the washing and ironing except 
 the table linen and towels, which is done by the 
 waiter. 
 
 The duties of the waiter are man}^ She blacks 
 the boots, opens the blinds, cleans the front steps 
 and side-walk, polishes the bell-pull, makes the 
 fires, if there are any to be made, carries down the 
 ashes, etc.; she then puts on a clean frock, cap and 
 
SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 327 
 
 apron and lays the table for breakfast. After 
 breakfast she removes the silver and china to the 
 pantry, where she washes them, and the heavy 
 dishes to the kitchen where they are washed by the 
 cook. She does all the chamber work, answers the 
 door-bell, takes care of the parlors and dining- 
 room, and, on sweeping day, sweeps and dusts the 
 whole house. Of course, she lays the table and 
 waits upon it for each meal, as at breakfast. There 
 are many things a waiter is expected to do, but 
 whatever they are, they ought all to be specified 
 when she is hired, that there may be no clashing 
 between her and the cook. 
 
 A better understanding of what ought to be the 
 relations of mistress and maid, and what each has 
 a right to expect of the other, would bring about a 
 more friendly feeling between parlor and kitchen, 
 and consequently less friction. Did every home- 
 keeper build her home upon a foundation of reality 
 and sincerity, conducting the affairs of her house 
 from the standpoint of her real circumstances and 
 surroundings, instead of attempting the impossible 
 for the sake of “appearance,” the strain would be 
 less great upon all concerned. Economy is a 
 necessity with most of us, yet we hide it as we 
 might a crime, and spend money and “make a 
 show” in one direction that costs us labor and sac- 
 rifice in another, and we expect our servants to as- 
 
328 
 
 SERVANTS THEIR DRESS, ETC. 
 
 sist US ill this, uncomplainingly, even sympathet- 
 ically. 
 
 We try to get as much work out of our help as 
 we can for the money we pay them, and they re- 
 taliate by doing as little as they can “escape with.’’ 
 Each side feels that it is only a matter of business; 
 so it might be if the good of our precious ones were 
 not so nearly concerned, and if those who serve us 
 had not human feelings. They should be made to 
 feel that they have a home beneath our roof, and 
 should be instructed in the duties expected of them 
 and if possible made to feel that their positions are 
 really responsible ones; that much of the comfort 
 and happiness of the family depend upon their good 
 behavior and honest work, and that prompt obedi- 
 ence will bring its sure reward. 
 
CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 
 
 HE time for ostentation and display at fun- 
 erals, is happily past, and the rigid formalities 
 that added crucifixion to our already heavy 
 grief, are no longer obligatory. We may now 
 mourn for our dead and care for their inanimate 
 forms according to the dictates of affection and cir- 
 cumstances, with little restraint of fixed rules. 
 
 It is no longer the custom to sit by the dead dur- 
 ing the solemn nights between the death and 
 burial, except where the remains require attention. 
 
 Sometimes a chosen friend, sometimes a sexton 
 and sometimes the undertaker arranges the details 
 of the funeral ceremonies. The notice of a death 
 and invitation to the funeral are conveyed through 
 the newspapers to friends and acquaintances. How- 
 ever, many families now follow the remains to their 
 last resting-place, without 'the presence of others 
 outside of their own immediate families. Before 
 this custom was introduced, very often only male 
 relatives and friends went to the interment. In 
 England ladies never go with the procession, but in 
 this country the ladies of the family usually appear 
 with the chief male mourners, and other ladies 
 follow. 
 
 22 
 
 (329) 
 
330 FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 
 
 THE PALL BEARERS. 
 
 For the funeral of a man or woman, six or eight 
 friends are chosen from the circle of the deceased 
 to act as pall bearers. They are furnished with 
 black kid gloves to wear at the funeral of a man or 
 an elderly woman, but for a young woman white 
 ones are usually worn. A scarf of black crape or 
 fine white linen, according to the occasion, is tied 
 about the left arm and laid about the shoulders. 
 
 THE FUNERAL SERVICES. 
 
 When a funeral service is held either at the 
 house or in the church, the family and intimate 
 friends do not take leave of their loved one in the 
 presence of the public ; this is done in private be- 
 fore the arrival of those who are only acquaintances. 
 It is customary now for the family to occupy a 
 room adjoining the one in which the services are 
 held, the clergyman taking his position at the door 
 between the two rooms. Those who desire to take 
 a last look at the sleeper, do so at the house, as the 
 coffin is not opened at the church unless the person 
 has been one of much prominence in the. com- 
 munity. 
 
 The coffin now is plain and simple, lined with 
 satin and covered on the outside with black cloth, 
 with silver plate for the name, and silver handles. 
 
FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 33 1 
 
 POSITION OF THE BODY. 
 
 Natural positions for the hands and the face in 
 partial profile have taken the place of the former 
 rigidity of crossed hands and upturned face. 
 
 The dress is nearly always the same as that 
 worn in life. Bright and pretty costumes are often 
 selected for the young, although many use white 
 cashmere. 
 
 FLORAL TRIBUTES. 
 
 With reference to flowers, the author of “Social 
 Etiquette of New York” says: “So lavish have 
 
 been the offerings of flowers that were wrought 
 into unnatural forms, and dedicated by their letter- 
 ings to absurd uses, that many families beg, 
 through a public card which accompanies the fun- 
 eral notice that no friends will contribute flowers. 
 Not that they are banished utterly, but they are 
 delicately selected, and a sentiment of reserve 
 rather than ostentation is expressed by their selec- 
 tion and arrangement. 
 
 “ Sometimes a tiny sheaf of ripened wheat is laid 
 with a palm branch upon the coffin, or by the side 
 of the venerable dead. A wreath of bay leaves is 
 chosen for the one whose loss is a public calamity ; 
 white lilies and willow branches, or a garland of 
 poppies, for the long-suffering, are satisfying; but 
 pillows of wire fettered carnations and harps of 
 rose-buds are becoming less and less attractive 
 
332 FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 
 
 to individuals of refined taste. These costly and 
 ungraceful contributions, with the cards of their 
 donors attached for news-gatherers to copy and to 
 publish, are not among the refined accessories of 
 a funeral among our superior people. 
 
 “A bunch of fragrant blossoms upon the bosom of 
 the dead, flowers selected with an appropriateness 
 to the circumstances, age, or sentiments of the 
 soulless sleeper, are always an agreeable and sug- 
 gestive attention ; but flowers tied into forms, or in 
 any excess, are no- longer considered refined or 
 desirable.’ ’ 
 
 Mrs. Sherwood says on the same point: “A few 
 
 flowers placed in the dead hand, perhaps a simple 
 wreath, but not those unmeaning memorials which 
 have become to real mourners such sad perversities 
 of good taste, such a misuse of flowers. Let those 
 who can afford to send such things devote the 
 money to the use of the poor mothers who cannot 
 afford to buy a coffin for a dead child or a coat for 
 a living one.’ ’ 
 
 Would it not be well to send a flower occasion- 
 ally to the bereaved after the funeral, instead of 
 sending them to the dead, who cannot realize your 
 loss or your well meant expressions of respect.^ 
 
 Upon a death occurring in a family it is desirable 
 that some outward sign be given in order to keep 
 away casual visitors. This is done by tying upon 
 the door-knob black crape if the person is married 
 
FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 333 
 
 or advanced in years, and white if the person is 
 young. This is well; but it is not well to close and 
 darken the windows and shut out all the light and 
 cheerfulness. I quote further from the first author 
 named above: “It is not uncommon for the soul- 
 
 less body to be neatly attired as if it were a semi- 
 invalid who had fallen asleep upon a sofa. It is 
 tenderly pillowed and luxuriously draped. Friends 
 take their last look upon the quiet face, and there 
 is at least one throb of pain the less because of the 
 absence of a coffin.” “Religious services are fre- 
 quently performed while the deceased is still lying 
 uncoffined, and the burial takes place at any subse- 
 quent time which is convenient to the survivors.” 
 Under this arrangement none but the kinspeople 
 follow the hearse to the cemetery. 
 
 MOURNING. 
 
 In America we have no fixed periods of mourn- 
 ing. Some persons are conscientiously opposed to 
 adopting a mourning dress under any circumstances. 
 Some leave off all bright colors and put on black, 
 without using crape or other materials which are 
 confined to mourning costume. However, the ma- 
 jority feel that it is a proper expression of respect 
 for the departed and a protection to themselves 
 from the gay world. 
 
334 FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 
 
 A WIDOW 
 
 wears deep mourning for one year, then ordinary 
 mourning as much longer as she desires to do so. 
 The deep mourning consists of the plainest of crape 
 and some woolen stuff, either bombazine or Hen- 
 rietta cloth, a crape bonnet with a widow’s cap, or 
 border of white lisse or tarletan. She wears her 
 heavy crape veil over her face for three months, 
 after which she may wear a short tulle veil over the 
 face, with the heavy one thrown back. Black un- 
 dressed kid gloves are worn with first mourning. 
 After twelve months the widow’s cap is laid aside 
 and the long veil exchanged for a lighter one. The 
 dress may be black silk or crape-trimmed cashmere 
 with jet trimmings, and white crape lisse at the 
 neck and wrists. Many widows wear black dresses 
 as long as the}^ live, or at least until they are again 
 married. 
 
 All kinds of black furs and sealskins are worn in 
 deep mourning. 
 
 FOR FATHER, MOTHER AND CHILDREN, 
 
 mourning lasts at least one year and as much 
 longer as the mourners themselves determine. For 
 six months they should wear deep mourning, with 
 the veil at the back of the bonnet instead of over 
 the face like the widow’s veil. Owing to the sup- 
 posed bad effects of crape this veil is frequently 
 made of thin nun’s veiling. 
 
FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 335 
 
 Jet ornaments only should be worn for eighteen 
 months. 
 
 FOR BROTHERS AND SISTERS 
 
 there are six months of deep mourning or crape 
 and serge or Henrietta cloth, and six months of 
 half mourning or cashmere and lustreless silk, and 
 six months of black, white and gray. 
 
 FOR GRANDPARENTS, 
 
 uncles and aunts some plain, colorless costume 
 without crape is worn for three months. 
 
 CHILDREN 
 
 wear mourning for a year for father, mother 
 brothers or sisters, but it is lightened with a combi- 
 nation of white. 
 
 MOURNING CUSTOMS FOR GENTLEMEN. 
 
 The depth of the weed upon a gentleman’s hat 
 indicates the nearness of the relative whose loss he 
 mourns. The length of the period of mourning for 
 men, except in the case of widowers, is regulated 
 b}^ the period observed by the women of their 
 households. 
 
 Deep mourning for a widower includes gloves, 
 necktie and weed, with a costume of black or very 
 dark gray. This is worn for one year. Some add 
 to this, black-bordered linen and jet shirt studs and 
 
336 FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 
 
 buttons. In England v/idowers wear mourning for 
 their wives for two years. They go into society 
 much earlier than widows. 
 
 Husbands and wives wear mourning for each 
 other’s relatives just as they would for their own. 
 
 The servants are put in mourning by those who 
 can afford it on the death of the head of the family; 
 sometimes for other members of it; the nurse only 
 in the case of the death of young children. 
 
 SECLUSION OF THE FAMILY. 
 
 Real grief needs no appointed time for seclusion, 
 but etiquette decrees that it is not in good taste to 
 make or receive formal visits for a year after the 
 loss of a near relative, and two years are given to a 
 more or less rigid seclusion from general society, 
 though intimate friends show to the bereaved, the 
 delicate attentions that only friends may. Cards 
 are sent to the family, and intimate friends send 
 notes of condolence. 
 
 It is not a general custom here as in England, to 
 send engraved notes or large cards deeply bordered 
 with black upon which is furnished the place and 
 date of birth, residence and date of death, yet it is 
 sometimes done. 
 
 It is proper to call in person to make kind in- 
 quiries for the family and to leave cards (some au- 
 thorities say with the left end turned over) as soon 
 
FUNERAL CEREMONIES AND MOURNING. 33/ 
 
 as a death has been published, but not to ask to see 
 the sorrowing ones. 
 
 RE-ENTERING SOCIETY. 
 
 When persons who have been in mourning wish 
 to re-enter society, they leave cards on all their 
 friends and acquaintances as an intimation that 
 they are ready to pay and receive visits. 
 
 Complimentary mourning — for a husband’s rela- 
 tive whom you have never seen — does not necessi- 
 tate strict seclusion, but heavy crape is out of place at 
 a gay reception or the theatre. Nevertheless it is 
 one’s duty to interest one’s self in her surroundings 
 and in the care of those remaining loved ones who 
 are made sad by her sadness, or happy by her smile. 
 We can better show our affection for the dead by 
 fulfilling our duties to the living, than by giving 
 ourselves up to uncontrolled grief. 
 
CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 PRECEDENCE, OR SOCIAL LIF'E IN 
 WASHINGTON. 
 
 RECEDENCE — priority of place, or superi- 
 
 ority of rank — in the conventional system of 
 
 arrangement under which the “ most eminent 
 and dignified orders of the community are classified 
 on occasions of public ceremony” as well as on 
 ceremonious occasions or entertainments of a pri- 
 vate nature, has been the source of much animosity 
 and heart-burnings, especially in our Republican 
 Capital, where certain social observances are not 
 understood by all alike. 
 
 With Mrs. Admiral Dahlgren’s permission, we 
 give for the benefit of our readers, the order of pre- 
 cedence established by social usage in Washington, 
 as given in her book, “Etiquette of Social Life in 
 Washington:” 
 
 “Ignorance of the official etiquette prevailing here, 
 cannot be construed into any want of general 
 society training elsewhere, because we have in 
 Washington a very exceptional basis. 
 
 “The President as the executive head of the na- 
 tion is properly entitled to precedence. The first 
 place is accorded to him whenever and wherever he 
 
 (338) 
 
SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 339 
 
 appears in social life. His social privileges entitle 
 him to receive all calls without being expected to 
 return any. He is addressed as ‘Mr. President’ 
 or ‘Your Excellency.’ Usage has not required any 
 special preliminary formalities in order to make the 
 acquaintance of the President. During the sessions 
 of Congress he gives stated receptions, and all per- 
 sons who desire to do so may attend the levees. 
 Upon entrance you give your name to an usher and 
 are announced. You are thereupon introduced to 
 the President by the Marshal of the District, or 
 at times by some other person designated for the 
 purpose, and you are immediately after presented 
 to the different members of the presidential family 
 who maybe present. Occasionally some embarrass- 
 ment has arisen because persons on entering, in 
 place of merely giving their own name to the offi- 
 cial who makes the presentations, stop to introduce 
 themselves the friends who accompany them. This 
 causes an awkward delay. 
 
 “In case you are precise you leave your card be- 
 fore your departure from the Executive Mansion. 
 If the reception is held in the morning, the usual 
 costume for morning receptions suffices. If in the 
 evening, a full toilette is demanded. It is not 
 respectful to appear in less than evening dress at an 
 evening reception given by the President. Even in 
 making an evening call, at any time, it is more 
 proper to make at least a demi-toilette. Fastidious 
 
340 
 
 SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 ladies do not wear a bonnet in making an evening 
 visit at the President’s. We have seen the wives of 
 Foreign Ministers call in full evening dress. If the 
 President have a wife, she also receives the first 
 visit from every one, nor is she expected to return 
 any visits. But other members of the Presidential 
 family, are allowed by custom to return visits and 
 acknowledge civilities tendered. At the state din- 
 ners of the President the usual etiquette prevails as 
 at other dinner- tables where official personages are 
 entertained. 
 
 “You may not decline a dinner or other invitation 
 of a social nature sent by the President, unless in 
 case of your own illness or that of any member of 
 your family, or of the death of a relative. When 
 it is imperative to send a regret, explain in your 
 note the reasons which compel a non-acceptance. 
 Previous engagements must be revoked to accept 
 the President’s invitation. 
 
 “Belonging to the purely official life, should be 
 classed the public levees, the state dinners and all 
 formal presentations and receptions. 
 
 “It has always been, and still remains, a matter of 
 discussion as to whom properly belongs the second 
 place in social precedence, and equally accomplished 
 persons differ on this point. This position is claimed 
 for both the Chief Justice and the Vice-Presi- 
 dent. * These gentlemen (the Chief Jus- 
 
 tice and the Justices) are respectively addressed in 
 
SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 341 
 
 conversation as Mr. Chief Justice and Mr. Justice, 
 and it has been usual to accord them precedence 
 over Cabinet Ministers and Senators, for at times 
 they may exercise a controlling influence over the 
 Executive. 
 
 “Succeeding the President, the Vice-President, the 
 Chief Justice, comes the Speaker of the House, who, 
 as well as the Vice-President, is a possible successor 
 to the Presidency, and although he may be, and 
 generally is, a political power of the first import- 
 ance, yet socially he comes in the fourth place. 
 He is addressed in conversation as “ Mr. Speaker.” 
 All these gentlemen we have mentioned receive the 
 first visit from all others. 
 
 “The general of the army and the admiral of the 
 navy occupy very exceptional positions. 
 
 ‘ ‘Among officers of the army and navy there ex- 
 ists a corresponding rank — the Lieutenant-General 
 and the Vice-Admiral, the Major-General and the 
 Rear-Admiral, the Brigadier-General and the Com- 
 modore, the Colonel of the army relatively to the 
 Captain of the navy, and so on pari passu. Upon 
 this rule a social precedence can alone be placed 
 whenever formal or ceremonious occasions require 
 it. In England the navy has precedence over the 
 army. 
 
 “We have now to consider the Cabinet, and here 
 we must remark that so much confusion at once 
 
342 
 
 SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 appears as really to make the whole subject a dis- 
 couraging one. 
 
 “As to the Cabinet, relatively to each other, the 
 order observed is that priority in which these offices 
 were created, thus: The State, the Treasury, the 
 
 War, the Navy, the General Post-Office, the In- 
 terior, and the Department of Justice. The chief 
 of these departments form the executive council of 
 the administration, but at the same time they are 
 actual heads of departments of state. These func- 
 tionaries alike expect to receive calls, and alike 
 claim the same privileges; and it is only upon state 
 occasions, such as official receptions or formal state 
 dinners, or other state ceremonials, that their order 
 need be specially defined; yet these situations are 
 of not unfrequent occurrence, and no embarrass- 
 ment should arise when they do present themselves. 
 
 “It has been a contested point as to who should 
 pay the first visit upon each other, the Cabinet of- 
 ficers or the Senators; but there would seem to be 
 a growing tendency to yield to the senatorial claim. 
 
 “To our apprehension, leaving grave Cabinet Min- 
 isters and Senators to arrange questions of relative 
 social importance — or rather their wives to do this 
 for them, for it is women who are social agitators 
 in the Republic — ^we really think that Senators' 
 wives might easily yield this point to the Cabinet 
 when all the circumstances are considered; or if 
 this cannot be effected, at least let a compromise 
 
SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 343 
 
 be made, that certain privileges are to be accorded 
 by courtesy, still to be held in reserve as a right. 
 
 “The same controversy as to the first visit, which 
 implies precedence, has always existed as regards 
 the diplomatic body who represent other countries 
 near our own. We have known some ladies of the 
 Senate who have refrained from making the first 
 call upon the wives of foreign ministers, assigning 
 the same reason, that the Senators represented a 
 state sovereignty while the minister was only an ac- 
 credited functionary from a foreign power, it being 
 held that the ambassador or envoy alone properly 
 represented the sovereignt}^ of a state, and this 
 rank is not often sent to us. 
 
 “We have witnessed very grave offense given at a 
 dinner-table, where the host led in the wife of a 
 foreign minister, the fair belligerent being the wife 
 of a Senator who claimed the honor as her due. 
 
 “Precedence at the dinner table is the grand sub- 
 ject of social wrangling in Washington, and the 
 need of a fixed rule is here so painfully apparent 
 that those who have been taught to be careful by 
 sad experience will simply avoid asking those func- 
 tionaries to meet each other whose claims may con- 
 flict; yet the Vice-President, the Chief Justice, the 
 Speaker, the General of the Army, the Admiral of 
 the Navy, Foreign Ministers, Cabinet Ministers and 
 Senators, they and their wives, ought to be able to 
 meet and dine in peace together.” 
 
CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 ^f^ADIES, especially young ladies, living away 
 from the centers of fashion, and those who 
 lack the home-training which they feel they 
 ought to have, are constantly either asking ques- 
 tions as to what they should or should not do, or 
 else they are frequently guilty of violations of good 
 manners, from ignorance and not from viciousness. 
 To such we add a few hints to what has already 
 been said. 
 
 Our first advice is, study these rules, and not 
 only that but practice them. This you can do 
 quietly and unostentatiously, and by silent perse- 
 verance you can, to some extent, reform not only 
 your own, but the manners of your family, and as 
 good manners are contagious, in time your influ- 
 ence will extend to your neighbors. 
 
 A young lady should honor father and mother, 
 and be respectful to all persons older than herself. 
 Of course, she must be courteous to every one, old 
 and young, but she must be especially civil and at- 
 tentive to the aged. Disrespect to parents is far too 
 common among the young people of to-day. 
 
 (344) 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 345 
 
 She should accept invitations from young gentle- 
 men only with her mother’s permission. 
 
 She should not receive visits from young gentle- 
 men alone. Her mother should remain in the par- 
 lor during the call. Even the young men who look 
 upon this as an unnecessary formality, will respect 
 her all the more for this “little reserve.” 
 
 A young lady must not accept gifts from gentle- 
 men, unless we except a book, a bouquet or bon- 
 bonieres. When she is engaged to be married, her 
 fiance presents her with a ring, known as the “en- 
 gagement ring.” He also furnishes the wedding 
 ring, and may present her with other gifts just be- 
 fore marriage. 
 
 A married lady, to whom a gentleman is indebted 
 for hospitalities, may accept an inexpensive gift 
 from him. 
 
 If a married lady makes a present to a gentle- 
 man, it must be in the name of herself and her 
 husband. 
 
 A young lady may be as cheerful and as bright as 
 she is capable of being, but she must not use slang 
 or be loud or boisterous. Neither must she indulge 
 in the excessive use of adjectives, especially in the 
 superlative degree. We hear ladies say, “dread- 
 ful pretty,” an “elegant orange,” “awfully nice,” 
 “a sweet dancer,” dreadful,'' “the cutest 
 
 bonnet.” Young men pick up the slang of the 
 
 23 
 
346 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 comic Opera or theatre, and some young women 
 thoughtlessly imitate them. 
 
 Women set the fashions in manners, and men are 
 just what women make them. If women are re- 
 fined and command respect men will give it. If they 
 allow themselves to be led instead of leading, men 
 will be tyrannical and selfish, neglecting the little 
 .courtesies that oil the wheels of the social and do- 
 .mestic machinery. Then let woman take her place 
 where she belongs, and our men are too chivalrous 
 not to do her homage. 
 
 A young lady must never allow familiarity of 
 speech or manner in young men, nor, in truth, in 
 any one. She will do well to remember the old 
 adage, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” If you 
 have a confidential lady friend, don’t tell her every- 
 thing you know or think you know. 
 
 Never tattle or gossip. Never indulge in ridicule, 
 whether the subject be present or absent. 
 
 Never tell of your aches and pains to any one, nor 
 of your sorrows to mere acquaintances. Ladies 
 should observe a dignified reserve under all circum- 
 stances. Thus they cannot be misunderstood and 
 will have nothing to regret, on that score. 
 
 A lady strives to control her emotions, and in 
 time succeeds, so that she does not cause others 
 unhappiness. Emerson says: “ A gentleman makes 
 no noise; a lady is serene.” She does not reprove 
 servants or children in the presence of others. 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 347 
 
 Neither does she show petulance or ill-temper, if 
 anything goes wrong. A southern lady was enter- 
 taining a small party at dinner. As Dinah ap- 
 proached the table bearing a nice, large, brown tur- 
 key, one of her wrists gave way letting the end of 
 the platter down and the turkey, of course, went to 
 the floor. Unruffled and serene, madam says, in a 
 sweet voice, “Take it to the kitchen Dinah and 
 bring another instead.” The colored waiter re- 
 turned in a few minutes, and although the guests 
 all knew it was the same “fowl” she brought, 
 they could not but admire the tact of the hostess. 
 
 A true lady will never notice a violation of the 
 rules of etiquette in others, or correct a slight inac- 
 curacy of statement, nor smile at the violations of 
 the rules of grammar, which, we are sorry to say, 
 can be heard at almost every social gathering. 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 
 
 There is no place where a woman will so surely 
 display her breeding, as in the street, in public con- 
 veyances and in traveling generally; and there is 
 no place where her behavior is so entirely at the 
 mercy of critics. The true lady “walks the streets 
 wrapped in a mantle of proper reserve so impene- 
 trable that insult and coarse familiarity shrink 
 away from her, yet, who carries with her a con- 
 genial atmosphere which attracts all and puts all at 
 their ease.-’ ’ 
 
348 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 In continental Europe, if a woman is a worker, 
 an artist, a student or an author, she can walk the 
 streets unharmed. Otherwise she may not venture 
 out unattended. In America, a well-behaved lady 
 may walk alone, free from molestation, anywhere 
 and everywhere in the day-time, and until a reason- 
 able hour in the evening; however, we would ad- 
 vise ladies not to go out unattended in the evening, 
 for although our men are trained to gentlemanliness, 
 yet there are always idlers and low-bred persons 
 abroad, who are ready to offer insult; besides eti- 
 quette requires that a lady shall not be on the 
 street after night-fall unattended by a male escort. 
 However, in small towns, several ladies together 
 may go short distances. 
 
 A lady’s dress for the street must be inconspicuous. 
 (See chapter on Dress.) She must walk quietly, 
 seeing and hearing nothing she ought not to see and 
 hear, recognize acquaintances with a courteous bow 
 and friends with a word of greeting. ‘'She does 
 not stop to gaze in at shop windows, tior to talk to 
 acquaintances. She is always unobtrusive. She 
 never talks loudly or laughs boisterously, or does 
 anything to attract the attention of the passers-by. 
 She simply goes about her business in her own quiet 
 lady-like way, and by her preoccupation is secure 
 from all the annoyance to which a person of less 
 perfect breeding might be subjected.” 
 
 In America, a young lady, if she is not very young. 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 349 
 
 may travel alone, but it is not always safe, and it 
 looks better to have a chaperon or lady companion. 
 If she cannot do this, she can place herself in the 
 care of friends, or at least travel with them. 
 
 KEEP STEP. 
 
 “ In walking together, especially when arm in 
 arm, it is desirable that the two keep step. To do 
 this a compromise may be necessary between the 
 long measured strides of the gentleman and the 
 short, quick steps of the lady. Ladies should be 
 strongly impressed with the advisability of suiting 
 their pace, as far as practicable, with that of their 
 escort. It is easily done.” 
 
 UP AND DOWN STAIRS. 
 
 Where the staircase is narrow, a gentleman pre- 
 cedes a lady up stairs and follov/s her in coming 
 down. In public halls and buildings, or wherever 
 the width of the stairs permits it, he walks by her 
 side, offering her his right arm. 
 
 FORMING ACQUAINTANCES IN PUBLIC. 
 
 “A lady” says Mrs. E. B. Duffey; “be she young 
 or old, never forms an acquaintance upon the streets 
 or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of 
 persons of the other sex. To do so would render 
 false her claims to ladyhood, if it did not make her 
 liable to far graver charges.” 
 
350 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 DEMANDING ATTENTIONS. 
 
 “A lady never demands attentions and favors from 
 a gentleman, but alway accepts them gratefully and 
 graciously and with expressed thanks.” 
 
 SOME MORE 'GENERAL HINTS. 
 
 If a gentleman, although a stranger, offer his 
 hand to assist you in leaving a carriage, omnibus, 
 car, etc., or to aid you in crossing where it is wet 
 or muddy, accept his civility, thank him, or bow and 
 pass on. 
 
 Never crowd into an already full car, or public 
 conveyance. It is better to wait. 
 
 It is better to carry change to pay your fare in 
 these vehicles. It saves time and sometimes con- 
 fusion. 
 
 When a gentleman passes up your fare, gives you 
 his seat, or offers you any little civilities which well- 
 bred gentlemen extend to all women, you will of 
 course thank him, or at least bow. In some ex- 
 clusive circles, it is claimed that the bow is more 
 courteous than the expressed thanks. I believe 
 most men perfer the spoken word. 
 
 A lady never looks back, or makes remarks upon 
 those who pass, especially while they are within 
 hearing. This applies to kind as well as unkind re- 
 marks. Neither does she stare at peculiar persons. 
 
 “ True good-breeding ” says one, “ is that which 
 prompts one always to refrain from hurting the feel- 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 351 
 
 ings of another, and the woman who speaks always 
 well, makes good use of her time and is never dis- 
 contented. Kind, unselfish deeds are often more 
 powerful than money, but both exercise great power 
 for good, when used to promote the best interests 
 of humanity.’’ 
 
 WHO SHALL BOW FIRST. 
 
 Strict etiquette requires that a lady meeting a 
 gentleman acquaintance upon the street shall bow 
 first, at least this is so in certain circles in England. 
 The rule was made for introductions given at balls 
 for the purpose of providing ladies with partners 
 and does not extend to introductions given among 
 people of one’s own class. Certainly if a gentle- 
 man is worthy of your recognition, he ought to 
 have the right to speak, at least simultaneously 
 with yourself. 
 
 If the gentleman has been presented to you with- 
 out your permission, as is sometimes done, unless 
 the circumstances are such as to leave no doubt in 
 his mind of the desirability of the acquaintance on 
 your part, he has no right to bow first. 
 
 A gentleman should lift his hat to you when he 
 bows and there may be a word of greeting, as 
 “Good morning,” etc., but hand-shaking should be 
 avoided in public. 
 
 If a gentleman wishes to speak to you, he will 
 not stop you on the street, but will turn and walk 
 
352 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 with you. When he leaves you he should bow, 
 raising his hat of course. 
 
 You are not expected to recognize friends on the 
 opposite side of the street. Even if you see them, 
 do not bow. 
 
 THE RIGHT ARM OR THE LEFT. 
 
 The old style of changing sides whenever a street 
 was crossed, in order to give the lady the inner 
 side, is no longer necessary. The gentleman may 
 take either side, so long as he observes the rule to 
 keep her on the side where she will be protected 
 from the jostling of the crowd, or danger of any 
 kind. 
 
 It is not customary for the gentleman to offer his 
 arm in daylight, but in the evening, or whenever or 
 wherever, the lady’s safety or convenience dictate 
 it, he should not hesitate to give her his arm. 
 
 As in Amierica, we pass to the right, or should 
 always do so, a gentleman should offer a lady bis 
 right arm. As it is still a disputed point of eti- 
 quette which arm a gentleman should offer, and as 
 Mrs. H. O. Ward in her Sensible Etiquette, states 
 the case pretty clearly, we quote from her: 
 
 “A gentleman offers his right arm in conducting 
 ladies, whether on the street or in the house. By 
 so doing the right hand of the lady is left free to 
 hold her parasol, or if in the house, to use her fan 
 attached to her chatelaine, and to guard her train 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 353 
 
 from being stepped upon. Some writers decree 
 that the right arm is to be offered on one occasion 
 and the left arm on others. This is absurd, as no man 
 could remember the distinctions with our mode of 
 life. Both common sense and gallantry assign the 
 lady’s place where it is for her greatest conven- 
 ience, on his right. A lady gives the seat of honor 
 at table on her right, retaining the right-hand seat 
 in her carriage and opera box, excepting where she 
 yields it to a lady older than herself. The rule that 
 a lad}^ must always have, the wall, either on the 
 street or ascending staircases, should not be re- 
 garded. It was made for walking in streets where 
 there are no sidewalks or very narrow ones (as 
 still seen in some foreign cities) to protect the 
 lady from the passing vehicles and animals. In 
 America a gentleman should, as a rule, keep on the 
 left of a lady in order to guard her from the jost- 
 ling of passers-by. He should pay no regard to the 
 wall. It is for the protection of ladies in this way 
 that the rule is so universally followed of giving 
 the right arm.” 
 
 CONSIDERATION FOR GENTLEMEN. 
 
 A gentleman always offers to see a lady to her 
 carriage — if she is visiting at his house — but if it is 
 stormy weather a considerate lady will request him 
 not to come outside, as her servant can assist her. 
 If he insists upon accompanying her, she will at 
 
354 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 least ask him not to stand uncovered while seeing 
 her in her carriage. 
 
 There are other places and occasions when it is 
 only a kindess in a lady to ask a gentleman, espec- 
 ially an elderly one, to resume his hat when he has 
 removed it in speaking to or assisting her. In our 
 rigorous climate many men take cold if they bear 
 the head in cold or exposed places. 
 
 Last winter a story went the rounds of the news- 
 papers to the effect that a certain military gentle- 
 man who died of pneumonia lost his life by wait- 
 ing in a cold hall for two young ladies whom he 
 escorted to an evening reception. 
 
 It would be boorish in a man not to jemove his 
 hat when in the presence of ladies, or to seem to 
 think of his own personal comforts when ladies are 
 to be looked after, but men are entitled to some 
 consideration, and only a rude or selfish woman 
 will allow them to suffer on her account if she can 
 avoid it. 
 
 Neither will a considerate woman spoil her hus- 
 band, son or brother by picking up her fan herself 
 if she happens to drop it, or by doing any of the 
 little things for herself which it is a man’s duty as 
 well as privilege to do. Where he is thus properly 
 trained at home these little civilities become a sec- 
 ond nature to him, and the ease and grace with 
 which he carries himself will save him many an 
 otherwise rough place on life’ s highway. 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 355 
 
 don’t 
 
 frown at your mother — or for that matter don’t 
 frown at all. 
 
 Don’t wear tight shoes nor tight gloves; nor tight 
 corsets, if you wear corsets. I would not wear 
 them; if I did I would not have stiff steels or 
 whalebones in them. If your dressmaker is an art- 
 ist she will make your dresses fit you without stays. 
 
 If you are poor, don’t ape the rich — in anything 
 but good manners. Have the courage to be your- 
 self. Be a real lady and live within your means. 
 If your friends can afford to have brilliant wed- 
 dings, and you cannot, they will respect you much 
 more if you^are married quietly at home in a plain 
 gown, than if you mortgage your piano for money 
 to make a show. This has been done. 
 
 It is not the “best society,” that will “snub” 
 you if your family has met with reverses of for- 
 tune, or because you are poor or because you work, 
 if you are otherwise worthy of the recognition of 
 good society. We have no privileged class in 
 America. Everybody works and only shoddy 
 people are ashamed of it. 
 
 L He who has a separate code of manners for those 
 who are, for any reason, inferior in station, shows a 
 lack of true refinement and good-breeding and pro- 
 claims himself as but lately come up to where he 
 now is, or thinks he is. 
 
356 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 The doctors of divinity, law and medicine are as 
 surely wage-earners as are the shop girls and cab- 
 men. Each in his place should dignify his work 
 and extend his usefulnes beyond the mere business 
 of money-getting. Let him remember that 
 
 “ Who sweeps a room as by thy law, 
 
 Makes that, and the action fine ” 
 
 Each in his place must render good service but 
 he must besides have gentle manners. Nothing so 
 surely wins success as fine manners. Let the 
 woman who works remember this. 
 
 The dignity of labor is recognized by the best 
 people. We quote the following as expressing our 
 ideas upon the subject. 
 
 “ If the foundation of our republic, is self-gov- 
 ernment, its corner-stone is labor. If it draws 
 its breath of life from character, what breath but 
 corrupting miasma could it draw from those stag- 
 nant characters which are too torpid for the in- 
 fusion of progressive ideas.^” 
 
 Work elevates, idleness degrades. “They who 
 study peculiarities of life in different sections of our 
 republic are invariably struck with the superiority 
 of that society in which the majority maintain right 
 views with regard to the education and develop- 
 ment of their children, and in reference to instilling 
 correct views as to the ‘dignity of labor.’ ” 
 
 “Honor and shame from no condition rise; 
 
 Act well your part, there all the honor lies." 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 357 
 
 “ From the moment a woman supports herself, 
 or those she loves, by her work, she ought to ascend 
 in the social as she does in the moral scale. She is 
 not to be pitied or patronized, but to be respected 
 for her spirit of independence. Women of wealth 
 who in their early life have been teachers, some- 
 times seem anxious to conceal a fact which they 
 ought to recall with pride. ^ If the intel- 
 lect of woman is cultivated, if she has any special 
 gift, she will seek work, for she finds the keenest 
 pleasure in the exercise of her talent, and a just 
 pride in compelling the public to recognize it. 
 
 The Queen of England herself writes books, and 
 receives her copyright as much as any poor author. 
 To work then, and to work for pay is no disgrace. 
 
 •jf -X- -X- I would say to every young woman, 
 
 work; and if you cannot work with your brain (and 
 genius, even talent, is given to few), work with your 
 hands, bravely, openly, keeping your self-respect 
 and your independence. Work was never meant to 
 be a curse or a shame; it is the surest element of 
 growth and happiness. 
 
 “With woman rests especially the power to right 
 her own sex as to this absurd prejudice, by working 
 herself when gifted with great powers, and recog- 
 nizing with real sympathy the work, however hum- 
 ble, of other women. No woman is free 
 
 from responsibility toward her own sex. All are to. 
 bear one another’s burdens and to share one 
 
358 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 another’s sorrows. This is the true sisterhood of 
 woman. However widely apart in station, they 
 react upon each other for good or for evil. It is 
 time that all false, arbitrary distinctions should 
 cease. The ranks of workers are swelling too rap- 
 idly — ‘including many well-born and delicately 
 nurtured’ — and the time must come when the posi- 
 tion of a woman will depend only on the dignity of 
 her life, and the cultivation of her mind.” — Mrs. H. 
 M. Field. 
 
 Speaking of a lady of wealth, one society woman 
 
 said to another, “Mrs. speaks of having been 
 
 librarian of the Public Library of T and is not at 
 
 all ashamed of it.” “Well, why should she be 
 ashamed of it.^” asked lady number two. “Oh,” 
 aswered number one, “some ladies would be, that’s 
 all.” “ I think you are mistaken. Some would-be 
 ladies probably would be ashamed of ^having worked, 
 but no real lady would.” 
 
 “We may envy the man who enjoys and rests, 
 but the smile of Heaven settles rather on the front 
 of him who labors and aspires.” 
 
 Don’t despise the little things of life. The little 
 deeds of kindness, the little civilities, the little du- 
 ties, all go to the making up of the whole. The 
 universe is made of atoms. 
 
 Don’t use the fan too vigorously at church or 
 concert or theatre, lest you disturb your neighbor. 
 I myself have had an eloquent sentence or a beau- 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 359 
 
 tiful thought of the minister chased to the North 
 Pole by the swish of a neighbor’s squeaking fan. 
 
 Don’t nudge your neighbor, or take hold of her 
 arm to attract her attention. Don’t touch her at 
 all. She has eyes and ears as well as you have. 
 
 Never comment upon a play or an opera while it 
 is in progress; nor upon a lecture or sermon. 
 
 Don' t chezv gimi. That sentence looks bad 'in a 
 book, as there ought to be no occasion for saying 
 it, but, alas, young women in “good society,” chew 
 gum. Our school girls chew gum, and our school 
 boys smoke cigarettes. Mothers, mothers! where 
 are you, and what are you thinking about, to allow 
 these dangerous, filthy, criminal practices.^ Yes, 
 criminal; it is a crime against the moral and physi- 
 cal child, especially the smoking,^^The child is 
 father of the man, and what sort of men do you 
 expect to bring up and let loose upon society.^ The 
 use of tobacco creates an unnatural appetite, and 
 when the boy grows to so-called manhood, his ap- 
 petite will demand something stronger, something 
 swifter in its effects. Herrick says: 
 
 ‘ ‘ Against diseases here the strongest fence, 
 
 Is the defensive virtue abstinence.” 
 
 Then keep the diseases incident to the tobacco 
 habit and other unnatural habits, away from your 
 boys by enforcing abstinence in their childhood. 
 
 Young ladies may and should be a help to broth- 
 ers. Women, in their various relations, are the 
 
36 o 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 saviors of the world. Their sympathy, tenderness, 
 heroic unselfishness, their silent influence, keep 
 men in^the path of duty, when all else fails. 
 
 Emerson says you draw out the best from a 
 person by treating him to your best behavior. 
 
 We have several times spoken of the duty of one 
 receiving an invitation to an entertainment, to an- 
 swer immediately either with an acceptance or “re- 
 gret.” Some recent occurrences make it seem 
 necessary to repeat this injunction, “Always ac- 
 knowledge an invitation.” It is unkind, it is rude 
 not to do so. 
 
 THE CONVERSATION OF YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 A lady says of the conversation of women in so- 
 ciety, that it resembles the straw used in packing 
 china; it is nothing, yet without it everything 
 would be broken. 
 
 “Women,” says Hannah More, “too little live 
 or converse up to the standard of their understand- 
 ings; and however we have deprecated affectation or 
 pedantry, let it be remembered, that both in read- 
 ing and conversing, the understanding gains more 
 by stretching than stooping. ^ The mind 
 
 by always applying itself to objects below its level, 
 contracts its dimensions, and lowers it- 
 
 self to the level of the object about which it is con- 
 versant.’ ’ 
 
 A disinterested listener to the conversation of the 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 361 
 
 average young lady would not be impressed with 
 the idea that she had been “stretching” very much 
 after high models. 
 
 We have occasionally been that sort of listener 
 and discovered that the principal parts of the small 
 talk — it could not be dignified by the name of con- 
 versation, — were adjectives, expletives, exaggera- 
 tions and flattery. The following are some of the 
 expressions used: 
 
 “ I am a thousand times obliged to you.” “ I am 
 ever so much obliged.” “ You place me under ever- 
 lasting obligations.” “Oh, isn’t Nell’s dress just 
 lovely enough to eat!” “Mercy! what a dowdy 
 Miss Smith is.” “He’s awfuHy jolly.” “Minnie 
 you look just too beautiful for anything.” ‘ ‘ I 
 thought I’d die.” “ So did I; I just collapsed.” 
 
 “ Wasn’t it perfectly awful V' “Perfectly terrible; 
 I never heard of such a thing in all my life.” 
 
 The “talk” is sometimes interspersed with a 
 little “vacation French,” as the school girls call it.' 
 “ Emma pourquoi are you going “Oh, yow savey!'" 
 
 Now girls, let me say to you that you make a 
 great mistake, when you indulge in these meaning- 
 less expressions; you know better and can do bet- 
 ter, for I have heard you talk sense, but these 
 careless, exaggerated sentences and sounds grow 
 upon you, and you finally lose a respectable stand- 
 ard of expression; you have no style at all, and 
 
 24 
 
362 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 zvhen you reach that age and place where such 
 trifling will not answer at all, what will you do.^ 
 Stop it now before the habit fastens itself upon 
 you. 
 
 I may be allowed to illustrate the force of habit 
 by a little anecdote. A family in a little city 
 became suddenly possessed of great wealth. There 
 were two daughters, one of whom was married. 
 The young people started out to travel, and the 
 mother kept the friends informed of their “ Lovely 
 Alsatian trip, ” meaning Alaskan, and their European 
 travels —having no knowledge of geography — she 
 “mixed” wonderfully. At a large party she aston- 
 ished the table by saying: “They’re in Paris now^ 
 
 but they’re goin’ to leave there soon and go to 
 France.”* Being ignorant and addicted to slang, it 
 was very trying for poor Mrs. Suddenrich to express 
 herself in respectable language. At the same din- 
 ner-party in answer to a remark addressed to her, 
 she ansvv^ered “you bet it is.” She blushed, being 
 conscious of her vulgarity, but alas, the habit; all 
 her wealth could not overcome it. 
 
 If young ladies know a little or a good deal of 
 any foreign language, they should not use it in a 
 mixed company, unless those within hearing are all 
 acquainted with the same language. 
 
 It is a good plan for several young ladies, or the 
 members of a family, to read some good book aloud 
 and each one criticise it and discuss it, from several 
 
FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 363 
 
 standpoints;” such as the matter, the style, the 
 expression, etc. {See further the Chapter on Con- 
 versation of Society.) 
 
 IT IS DUTY. 
 
 If you are requested to sing or play, (taking it for 
 granted that you can sing and play,) do so at once; 
 don’t wait for a second invitation. Stop at the end 
 of the first piece unless the hostess requests you to 
 play a second. 
 
 An invitation to sing, or to exercise any talent 
 should be given, or at least seconded by the hostess. 
 
 If games or plays are introduced for the diversion 
 of guests, don’t refuse to join them, unless there is 
 some very good reason why you should be excused. 
 
 “The very essence of good manners is self-posses- 
 sion, and self-possession is another name for self- 
 forgetfulness. That is to say, one must be so 
 innately sure of not offending against the recognized 
 laws of society, that one needs not even to recall 
 them, and thus is able to give that quick and sym- 
 pathetic attention to what is passing which makes 
 the difference between an agreeable man or woman 
 and one who is not so.” 
 
 “ All young men and women should be held amen- 
 able to the obligations of social decorum; and in 
 case of neglect or disobedience, nothing less than 
 genius, and that not without a thorough sifting of 
 the claim, should be received in extenuation. It is 
 
364 
 
 FOR YOUNG WOMEN. 
 
 not to be inferred that great endowments of intellect 
 are necessarily or even commonly associated with a 
 deficiency of social qualities. Shakespeare, Bacon, 
 Newton, Franklin and Scott were men of society. 
 All, indeed, were public personages, and called upon 
 to fulfill duties which any false modesty would have 
 rendered impracticable.” — Bazar Book of Decorum. 
 
CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 « NE has said that most of the rules of society 
 are prohibitory. I think he is mistaken. A 
 young man wishes oftener to know what to 
 do, than what not to do. At the same time as we 
 have told him in the several chapters of this book 
 what to do in some cases, we will in this chapter 
 ask him not to do certain things that some young 
 men are guilty of doing, and shall also request him 
 to do certain other things which he ought to do, and 
 the doing of which will make him a rich man and a 
 gentleman. It will make him rich in self-respect, 
 which is the foundation of character. If he is true 
 to himself he “cannot then be false to any man,” 
 or woman. 
 
 There are four things which everybody desires to 
 have — love, fame, wealth and power. There is no 
 reason why any young man with ordinary intelli- 
 gence, the right sort of education, — which includes 
 good manners and a well-built character — and a 
 desire “to be somebody,” cannot succeed in acquir- 
 ing all of these except the second, and he can afford 
 to do without that. However, there is no law against 
 his reaching even fame if he can. 
 
 (365) 
 
366 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 Cities are the centers of civilization, but much of 
 the brawn and brain that helps make them so, is 
 drawn from the country. 
 
 Many of our young men have been educated in 
 the country and know nothing of the ways of city 
 life, and how are they to learn them.^ By the most 
 mortifying experiences? That is the way the ma- 
 jority of them do learn. A few have had proper 
 home-training, and a few others have friends who 
 take a kindly interest in them, and thus help them, 
 but the majority of young men on coming into the 
 city, flounder along awkwardly, committing blun- 
 ders and unintentional rudenesses, very frequently 
 keeping themselves out of good positions by bad 
 manners. 
 
 Manners make the man, and you are judged by 
 your manners more than anything else, especially 
 among strangers. If “the without is always as the 
 within,” men have no other way of estimating the 
 character of one with whom they are unacquainted. 
 
 If you are made to suffer from ignorance of the 
 etiquette of social and business life in the city, don’t 
 bewail your fate and mentally abuse your parents 
 for not bringing you up in a better way, but go to 
 work upon yourself and polish up the rough exterior. 
 Re-make yourself, but never worship the maker; it 
 is only your duty. Learn the w^ays and manners of 
 good people, and the best way to begin, is to get 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 367 
 
 some good book on etiquette and learn and practice 
 its rules. 
 
 I know there is a prejudice with some people 
 against studying etiquette. Why.^ I don’t know 
 unless it is a false pride that would have those about 
 them believe they have always been accustomed to 
 good society. Then there is another class of per- 
 sons who pretend to despise all rules of behavior — 
 live above them (it is always below them,) as they 
 will tell you, and they boldly assert that polite peo- 
 ple are hypocrites. I have in mind now, a promi- 
 nent man — of national reputation in business circles 
 — who when a school teacher a few years ago, was 
 accused by enemies of “actually having a book of 
 etiquette in his library.” A fire at his residence 
 consumed the library which was valuable, and the 
 aforesaid enemies ironically “hoped the precious 
 book of manners was saved.” 
 
 Let me tell you, young gentlemen, there is no 
 book in the world that will be so great a help to you 
 if you practice its teachings, as a good work on 
 manners, unless it is the dictionary. I advise you 
 to supply yourself with one and study it. Keep it 
 for reference the same as you do the dictionary. 
 And here I want to give you a little advice about 
 
 BOOKS AND READING 
 
 which if followed will greatly benefit you. Let me 
 first say, parenthetically, that this chapter is written 
 
368 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 in the first person in order that I may come nearer 
 to my readers. I have an especially tender affection 
 for young people, boys and girls, young men and 
 young women and every word to them is dictated 
 by a sincere desire to. help them. There are very 
 few really bad young people, but alas, how bad the 
 manners of a large majority of them, and bad man- 
 ners lead to bad character. I believe character is 
 formed as well as expressed by manners. 
 
 Many of you begin at an early age, the vicious 
 habit of smoking cigarettes or cigars and reading 
 trashy novels. Now throw these away, or rather 
 don't buy them, count out of each week’s wages or 
 salary the amount you would have spent in this 
 way, put it in a savings-bank, and as it accumulates 
 buy the following books. 
 
 As it will cost the least and you need it every day, 
 get first the book on manners. You can find a 
 good one — be sure to get a late edition — for from a 
 dollar and a half to two dollars and a half. 
 
 Next get Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary, latest 
 edition, which will cost you about ten dollars. If 
 you cannot keep it where you’ work, or if your 
 work is such that you need not use it there, keep it 
 in your room and study it at night. If anything 
 comes up during the day either in conversation or 
 in the newspapers that you do not understand, jot 
 it down in a little “ common-place book,” which 
 you should always carry in your pocket, and look 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 369 
 
 it up in the evening or when '‘off duty.” Don’t 
 think that a dictionary is only for the pronunciation 
 and ordinary meaning of words. It is a small library 
 in itself and you must study it to find what it con- 
 tains. Spend at least a week upon the prefaces, 
 memoir of Mr. Webster, history of the English 
 language, orthography, etc. Every time you hear 
 or read anything upon which you want further infor- 
 mation, and wish you had time to go to the library 
 in search of it, look first in the dictionary and 
 oftener than otherwise you will find, if not just 
 what you seek, at least a clew to where it may be 
 found. 
 
 Speaking of reading the memoir of Mr. Webster, 
 brings to mind a prominent member of a debating 
 society, who startled us by the astonishing revela- 
 tion that “ the great orator and statesman, Mr. 
 Webster, had left no permanent record of his great 
 speeches. True he gave us a great many little, 
 short stories in his big book called The Dictionary,” 
 etc. He evidently had not studied the book as a 
 lady of my acquaintance has done. She was com- 
 pelled to leave school at a very early age on account 
 of ill health, but she was determined to be educated 
 anyhow, so she studied an English Dictionary — 
 Webster’s — and Shakespeare. She is intelligent, 
 alert and in society seems well educated and is, in 
 some directions. She has the advantage too, of re- 
 fined manners. 
 
370 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 When you have paid for your dictionary, let the 
 next savings buy for you Dr. Thomas’ Pronouncing 
 Biographical Dictionar}^, which will cost you about 
 eight dollars. Very good copies of any of these 
 volumes can be had at second hand, at a much 
 lower price. 
 
 Next get a good edition of Shakespeare — the 
 Avon IS good — and Brewer’s Readers’ Hand-book. 
 
 As a supplement to your “ study of the English 
 language, you might add the little books of Alfred 
 Ayres (pseudonym for Dr. T. E. Osman), viz: 
 Ayres’ Cobbett’s Grammar without a Master. Ayres’ 
 Orthoepist, Ayres’ Verbalist, and Mathews Words; 
 Their Use and Abuse. 
 
 Of course every young man has a Bible. You 
 may wonder why I did not put it at the head of 
 the list. Because you don’t read it much; you don't 
 know how to read it — very few of us do. Every 
 sentence of it contains an underlying spiritual mean- 
 ing too deep for our comprehension, until we have 
 learned to read it spiritually. No directions can 
 be given in a work of this kind for learning to read 
 the Bible. 
 
 To recapitulate, every young man should have in 
 his library: 
 
 A copy of the Bible. 
 
 A Book of Etiquette. 
 
 Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary. 
 
 Lippincott’s Thomas’ Biographical Dictionary. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 371 
 
 Brewer’s Readers’ Hand-book. 
 
 Shakespeare — Avonedition. 
 
 These will cost you about twenty dollars — the 
 price of a few months’ smoking. It will be well to 
 add other books as you can. If you cannot have 
 all of the above, be sure to start with the first 
 three. 
 
 Now as to reading novels; the number you read 
 will depend upon the spare time you have and your 
 access to libraries. The kind you read will depend 
 somewhat upon your own taste, but more upon 
 your own knowledge or lack of knowledge of what 
 you ought to read or rather what novels are best to 
 read. 
 
 A mother who understands the influence of books 
 will read every book her son reads before it is put 
 into his hands, until he is at least twelve or four- 
 teen years old. But alas, how few do this. In 
 many families the dreadful playing-cards and the 
 wicked novel are never allowed to come into the 
 house and the dutiful son steals out to the straw- 
 stack to play his little game with other dutiful sons, 
 or crouches upon the curb-stone under the street 
 lamp to read the filthy trash he has managed to 
 get hold of somehow, and the poor mother wonders 
 why her dear child whom she has loved so tenderly, 
 should go astray from the paths of virtue. 
 
 If your reading has been guided in your younger 
 years by mother or teacher or by good taste upon 
 
372 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 your own part, you can select your own novels; if 
 you have had none of these advantages, it will be 
 well to seek the advice of some morally pure man 
 or some intelligent, good woman, either of whom 
 will gladly assist you. Of course your more solid 
 reading will be guided by your business, inclination, 
 future prospects, etc. 
 
 There are so many good books on most subjects 
 in which a young man is, or should be interested 
 that it would take too much space to give lists 
 here; however, for the sake of cultivating correct 
 style, it would be well to read such authors as 
 Macaulay, Sidney Smith, Jeremy Taylor, Cobbet, 
 Walton, Hugh Miller, Milton, Shakespeare, Benja- 
 min Franklin, Irving, Emerson, Motley, Hawthorne, 
 E. P. Whipple and many others, both English and 
 American. 
 
 DRESS AND PERSONAL HABITS. 
 
 The degree of civilization attained by any coun- 
 try, is said to be indicated by the number of its 
 public baths. You may not have access to a pub- 
 lic bath and might not care to avail yourself of its 
 privileges if you had, but there are plenty of pri- 
 vate baths and if there were none, you could still 
 show your civilization by taking a sponge bath or 
 any kind, only so you are cleanly in all details. 
 
 Soiled linen is slovenly, and to wear it is not 
 economy. Be not untidy in anything. “Neatness 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 373 
 
 is one of the most important of the minor morals.” 
 The dress of a man, as well as that of a woman, 
 indicates character, and refinement of character is 
 said never to be found with vulgarity of dress. 
 Lord Chesterfield urged upon his son a due atten- 
 tion to dress and said, “A man of sense, dresses as 
 well and in the same manner as the people of sense 
 and fashion of the place where he is. If he dresses 
 better, as he thinks — that is, more than they — he is 
 a fop; if he dresses worse, he is unpardonably neg- 
 ligent; but of the two, I would rather have a young 
 fellow too much than too little dressed; the excess 
 on that side will wear off with a little age and re- 
 flection; but if he is negligent at tzventy, he veill 
 be a sloven at forty.'" “Dress yourself fine where 
 others are fine, and plain where others are plain; 
 but take care always that your clothes are well 
 made and fit you, for otherwise they will give you 
 a very awkward air. When you are once well 
 dressed for the day, think no more of it afterward, 
 and, without any stiffness for fear of discomposing 
 that dress, let all your motions be as easy and nat- 
 ural as if you had no clothes on at all.” 
 
 MORNING DRESS. 
 
 At breakfasts, luncheons, weddings, receptions of 
 all kinds, matinees, visits of ceremony, and, indeed, 
 to anything that occurs in the day time, a gentle- 
 man must wear a morning costume, no matter how 
 
374 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 grand the toilettes of the ladies. Fashion and eti- 
 quette demand it. A dark or black frock coat with 
 vest of the same, and lighter trousers, cut accord- 
 ing to the prevailing style, are in the best form for 
 all daylight social affairs. In the country, knicker- 
 bockers are fashionable day suits, and a gentleman, 
 if he rides or walks, may pay visits to familiar ac- 
 quaintances in such attire, but if he drives or is 
 visiting elderly persons or strangers, this dress is 
 too unceremonious. 
 
 EVENING DRESS. 
 
 Evening dress for gentlemen — full dress — is the 
 same, whatever the nature of the evening’s enter- 
 tainment. A gentleman dresses for dinner (at six 
 or seven o’clock), and is then prepared alike for 
 calls, opera or ball. The evening costume is black, 
 the coat “swallow-tail,” waistcoat cut low, the 
 cravat white, thin patent leather boots and gloves 
 of some pale tint — white gloves are no longer worn. 
 
 Sunday evenings, morning dress is worn. No 
 one goes to church in evening dress, and no one is 
 expected to appear in it at home or away from 
 home on that day. In some circles evening dress 
 is considered an affectation, and it is well in small 
 tovv^ns to do as others do. 
 
 Low cut waistcoats are not worn with frock 
 coats, or with any but dress coats. 
 
 White neckties are worn only with evening dress. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 375 
 
 At other times the use of them is confined to but- 
 lers and waiters, together with suits of shining black 
 cloth. The Paris Figaro, several years since, told 
 a story of the confounding of the master with the 
 man on account of their dress. “The other day a 
 gentleman in this equivocal suit presented himself 
 with a package under his arm, at the door of the 
 
 celebrated modiste, Madame W . The porter, 
 
 taking him, by the cut of his coat, for one of his 
 own set, showed him up by the servants’ staircase. 
 He took the way indicated, and after handing to 
 the madame a diamond head-dress to be altered, 
 said, • My wife being unable to come, I have brought 
 it myself. Pray do it as soon as possible, and don’t 
 disappoint her.’ As he was leaving, he added, ‘I 
 must congratulate you, madame, upon the excellent 
 arrangement of your establishment,’ and explained 
 how he had been shown up by the kitchen way. 
 The modiste Vv^as in a terrible rage at her porter, 
 for the servant, as he had supposed, was no less a 
 personage than the great Monsieur Rouker, the 
 prime minister of imperial France, who had under- 
 taken, v/hen in full dress for dinner, a commission 
 for his wife.” 
 
 Worsted or cotton gloves are not permissible 
 anywhere, nor under any circumstances. Ungloved 
 hands are preferable. 
 
 Straw and felt hats are not worn with frock- 
 
 coats. 
 
376 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 A white necktie should not be worn with a frock- 
 coat. 
 
 JEWELKY. 
 
 It is considered bad form for men to wear much 
 jewelry. One plain handsome ring, studs and 
 sleeve-links and watch-chain are more “aristo- 
 cratic,” than much ornament. 
 
 GLOVES. 
 
 Gloves are worn in the street, at a ball, at the 
 opera or theatre, at receptions, at church, when 
 making a call, driving or riding, but not at a dinner. 
 
 THE DRESS-COAT. 
 
 “Confusion has prevailed in the minds of some 
 American men as to the occasions when a dress- 
 coat is to be worn. A man never puts on his 
 dress-coat before his seven o’clock dinner; if, how- 
 ever, there is to be a ceremonious occasion in day- 
 light, where full dress is desired, the shutters 
 should be closed and the gas lighted. A gentleman 
 in dress-coat and white necktie, feels as uncomfor- 
 table in the daylight, as would a lady in low neck 
 and short sleeves. Morning dress and evening 
 dress for men, varies as decidedly as it does for 
 women.’ ’ 
 
 Frenchmen are married in dress-coats at morn- 
 ing weddings, Englishmen in frock-coats. 
 
 A dress-coat at a morning or afternoon reception, 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 377 
 
 on any one but a waiter, is as much out of place as 
 a frock coat would be at a large dinner-party. 
 
 Evening dress for gentlemen is the same the 
 world over. 
 
 THE BATH, ETC. 
 
 I have spoken of the bath ; let me add (though 
 it is probably unnecessary) that the use of flesh- 
 brush, and the care of the teeth, nails and hair are 
 quite as essential to health and a good appearance 
 as are tidiness and suitableness in the dress. 
 
 LONG HAIR AND NAILS. 
 
 Long nails and long hair are an abomination to 
 refined society. Only artists and authors with 
 Bohemian tendencies, who indulge in colored cra- 
 vats, showy shirt fronts, huge studs, etc., are 
 expected to make themselves conspicuous by wear- 
 ing them. 
 
 DRESSING GOWN AND SLIPPERS. 
 
 Never wear dressing-gown and slippers anywhere 
 out of your bed room. To appear at the table or 
 in any company in this garb is vulgar. 
 
 Never sit at table or appear in company in 
 your shirt sleeves. The lady who presides at table 
 should insist upon refined manners every day and 
 under all circumstances. What if you are in a 
 hurry. Curb your impatience. Never be in a 
 hurry. 
 
 25 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 ^378 
 
 THE HAT. 
 
 The hat should not be worn in a private office, 
 any more than in a drawing room. Wear your hat 
 squarely upon the head, not pushed back or “tilted” 
 over the eye. 
 
 HOW TO WALK. 
 
 “Don’t walk with a slouching, slovenly gait. 
 Walk erectly and firmly, not stiffly ; walk with 
 ease, but still with dignity. Don’t bend out the 
 knees, nor walk in-toed, nor drag your feet along ; 
 walk in a large, easy, simple manner, without 
 affectation but not negligently.” 
 
 It does not look well to carry your hands in your 
 pockets, nor put your thumbs into the arm holes of 
 your waistcoat. 
 
 THE TOOTHPICK 
 
 is intended to be used only in case of necessity at 
 table and then only for a moment, and should not 
 be carried around between the lips or teeth. 
 
 TOBACCO. 
 
 Why do you chew tobacco, or smoke cigars, or 
 worse still, a pipe ? Because others do ? If others 
 take poison, is that any good reason why you 
 should.^ It is injurious to health, discolors the 
 teeth, taints the breath, gives the clothing a dis- 
 agreeable odor and is a filthy and ungentlemanly 
 habit. If any of you who read this are trying to 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 375 
 
 give up the habit and find it difficult to break away 
 from it, I think I can suggest a remedy. I would 
 advise you to go to a certain western city (which I 
 will indicate to you privately, if you are in earnest) 
 and promenade with your mother or sister, or 
 som.ebody else’s sister, upon a certain respectable 
 street, where for nearly a whole block, the ladies 
 will have to lift their skirts to keep them out of the 
 puddles of the vile stuff expectorated there by 
 tobacco chewers who perch along the railings and 
 stand around obstructing the sidewalk. The ladies 
 will also need overshoes to protect their boots. 
 Life is made a burden to all respectable people who 
 are obliged to pass that way (there are respectable 
 shops and offices, including a branch post-office, all 
 along the route). And all this is done by creatures 
 which women are taught to love, honor and obey, 
 and in a state which has the least percentage of 
 illiteracy of any state in the Union. The next 
 crusade against any particular immorality, ought 
 to be made against the use of tobacco. 
 
 Of course they are not gentlemen, who thus be- 
 foul this sidewalk, but every one of them is some 
 poor mother’s son; and the spectacle of their 
 degredation ought to so stir the self-respect of any 
 gentleman as to enable him to drop the tobacco 
 habit at once. The better way is never to begin it, 
 '‘For what a man soweth, that shall he reap.” 
 
38 o 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 From an act you reap a custom ; from a custom a 
 habit, and from habit you reap character. 
 
 LAUGHING. 
 
 If there is anything to laugh at, laugh heartily 
 and ‘ ' sympathetically,’ ’ but not boisterously. Don’t 
 make a contortionist of yourself in expressing 
 merriment and don’t smile or ‘ ‘grin” without pro- 
 vocation. The man who grins or keeps his lips 
 apart, or his mouth habitually open, is marked by 
 physiognomists as “simple.” One puts it tersely 
 thus, “Shut your mouth.” Breathe through the 
 nostrils and not through the mouth, especially 
 when sleeping, is the advice of physicians. “ Keep 
 the mouth closed except when you open it for a 
 purpose. An open mouth effects the teeth and the 
 health.” 
 
 UNEASINESS. 
 
 Never be fidgety. No matter how time may drag 
 to you, do not let this be apparent to others by any 
 visible sign of uneasiness. Don’t stroke your 
 whiskers, or twist your moustache, or adjust your 
 hair. Keep yourself quiet and composed. Emer- 
 son says, “Coolness and absence of heat and haste 
 indicate fine qualities. A gentleman makes no 
 noise; a lady is serene.” And also, “Defect in 
 manners is usually the defect of fine perceptions.” 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 381 
 
 FAMILIARITY. 
 
 Never be over-familiar yourself, nor submit to 
 familiarity from others. ^ Never address a lady by 
 her Christian name, unless she be a very young lady 
 with whose family you are on terms of intimacy. 
 Never strike your friend on the back and ‘‘hail him 
 Tom or Jack.” Give no physical manifestations of 
 3^our pleasure. ( See also this subject in the chap- 
 ter “The Conversation of Society.”) 
 
 ' INTRUDING ON PRIVACY. 
 
 Never enter a private apartment without knock- 
 ing. Respect the privacy of your friends however 
 intimate you may be with them. Let this include 
 letters, desks, trunks, all their belongings. Never 
 read a written paper which may be lying upon the 
 desk of another. It is not only unrefined and low- 
 bred, but is positively dishonest. Of course no 
 gentleman ever looks over the shoulder of another 
 who is reading or writing, or questions children or 
 servants upon affairs which are none of his business. 
 
 SUPERIORS AND INFERIORS. 
 
 “ Don’t be servile toward superiors, nor arrogant 
 toward inferiors. Maintain your dignity and self- 
 respect in one case, and exhibit a regard for the 
 feelings of people, whatever their station may be, 
 in the other.” 
 
 “ The man who neglects his equals for the pur- 
 
382 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 pose of courting his superiors, still more who con- 
 fesses or asserts his inferiority when associating with 
 them, and who submits to rebuffs and indignities 
 for the sake of being thought their associate, above 
 all, who condones in them vices which he would 
 not brook in an equal, is justly liable to the charge 
 (of toadyism) which, however, only asserts the ex- 
 aggeration of a tendency affecting almost all his 
 censors.” 
 
 WINE-DRINKING. 
 
 If you drink wine or spirits, let it be at dinner 
 and don’t drink too much then. If invited to a 
 dinner where wine is served and you do not wish 
 it, you have a perfect right to decline ; but do it 
 quietly and courteously, without remarks as to the 
 injurious effects, etc. It is injurious to health and 
 to morals and we wish it were not used by any- 
 body ; but when you accept a proffered hospitality, 
 you have no right to deliver a temperance or any 
 other lecture, or find fault with anything offered for 
 your entertainment. 
 
 WHISTLING. 
 
 “Censor” in his little book “Don’t”, says: 
 “Don’t whistle in the street, in public vehicles, at 
 public assemblies, or anywhere where it may annoy. 
 Mem.: Don’t whistle at all.” I object to the last 
 
 sentence. Much of life’s pleasure would be taken 
 from very young men if they couldn’t whistle. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 383 
 
 You may whistle when you are in the country, or 
 anywhere else if no one is disturbed by it, that is 
 if you are alone. Of course you would not whistle 
 in the presence of others. 
 
 IN THE DRAWING-ROOM. 
 
 The laws of society are framed by the unanimous 
 consent of men and in all essentials they differ very 
 little all over the world; yet in minor points of 
 etiquette what is proper in one country may be 
 considered vulgar in another. The golden rule is 
 one of the fundamental principles of society. One 
 of the objects of social laws and customs is 
 harmony of action. 
 
 The arbitrary rules which society imposes upon 
 its members and which continually restrict them in 
 their actions, in telling them how they must eat 
 and drink, and dress, and walk, and talk, etc., all 
 tend to one end, the preservation of harmony, and 
 the prevention of one person’s usurping the rights 
 of another or intruding upon his province. 
 
 High moral character, a polished education, a 
 perfect command of temper, delicate feeling, good 
 habits and a good bearing are the indispensible 
 requisites of good society. These constitute good 
 breeding and produce good manners. A good 
 definition of good society is the meeting on a foot- 
 ing of equality, and for the purpose of mutual en- 
 tertainment. of men or women, or of men and 
 
384 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 women together, of good character, good educa- 
 tion and good breeding. 
 
 Good breeding is the same in the country as in 
 the city, but customs vary in different sections, and 
 what was proper for you to do in the countr}^ may 
 be considered improper in the city, so you will have 
 to change your customs to suit your surroundings. 
 This is very easy for a “natural gentleman,” or one 
 of high breeding to do. Thackery’s “Finding a 
 Gentleman,” will be a good introduction to our 
 instructions for your deportment in the drawing- 
 room. 
 
 “Indeed, you may dress two men alike and 
 when they are sent into promiscuous company, one 
 will sit down as a gentleman and the other as 
 something else. Yet neither may commit a posi- 
 tive breach of manners or do anything exception- 
 ally brilliant in the way of politeness. They are 
 judged upon the principle that a straw suffices to 
 show Vv^hich way the wind blows. The angles at 
 which they hold their arms, the manner in which 
 they shake hands, the way in which they walk 
 and stand, the method which they adopt of. us- 
 ing their pocket handkerchiefs, and other little 
 things, all tend to form the judgment which is 
 passed upon them. At the same time, it is doubt- 
 ful whether the judges, unless they are of a strongly 
 analytical turn of mind, note in detail the signs 
 upon which the verdicts are formed; the sign, so to 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 38s 
 
 speak, being more palpable to the instinct than the 
 understanding. The signs that we have indicated 
 are, of course, supplemented by others. When 
 men talk, they are bound to show, to a greater or 
 less extent, the stuff of which they are made. Thus, 
 after the two persons in question have relieved 
 themselves of their sentiments, and have joked for 
 a certain time, the grounds upon which they are 
 judged become somewhat clearer than they were at 
 first.” 
 
 While a gentle manner is natural to a few for- 
 tunate souls, all may acquire it to some extent by 
 discipline. 
 
 I have told you in the several chapters of this 
 book what is etiquette for gentlemen under various 
 circumstances and in different places, and will, 
 therefore, add but little for the drawing-room. 
 
 Cultivate a habit of ease and grace by constant 
 association with people of refined manners. “Awk- 
 wardness,” says Lord Chesterfield, “can proceed 
 but from two causes; either from not having kept 
 good company, or from not having attended to it.” 
 “When an awkward fellow first comes into a room, 
 it is highly probable that his sword gets between 
 his legs and throws him down, or makes him stum- 
 ble, at least. When he has recovered this acci- 
 dent, he goes and places himself in the very place, 
 of the whole room, where he should not. There 
 he soon lets his hat fall down and in taking it up 
 
386 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 again, throws down his cane; in recovering his 
 cane, his hat falls a second time, so that he is a 
 quarter of an hour before he is in order again.” 
 “His hands are troublesome to him when he has 
 not something in them and he does not know 
 where to put them, but they are in perpetual mo- 
 tion between his bosom and his breeches. He does 
 not wear his clothes, and, in short, does nothing like, 
 .other people.” 
 
 As has been mentioned in the chapter on Visit- 
 ing and Cards, a gentleman should leave his over- 
 coat and overshoes in the hall, when calling. Carry 
 your hat, cane and gloves in your hand. If for any 
 reason you desire to be relieved of them, put them 
 on the floor beside you. If, however, you are mak- 
 ing an informal call in the evening, upon intimate 
 friends, you may leave your hat and cane in the 
 hall. Of course you will never take your umbrella 
 into the drawing-room. 
 
 If the hostess offer her hand take it. It is proper 
 to shake hands with other ladies, if they offer to do 
 so, otherwise a bow is sufficient. The older person 
 or the one of higher rank takes the initiative in 
 hand-shaking. Ladies always out-rank gentlemen. 
 
 A hostess who understands the usages of good 
 society will not ask to take your hat or cane. She 
 will pay no attention to them. 
 
 Take any unoccupied chair without waiting for 
 your hostess to look after you. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 387 
 
 You should rise upon the entrance of ladies, but 
 do not offer seats to them unless in your own house, 
 or requested to do so by the^ hostess, and then do 
 not offer your own chair if there are others avail- 
 able. 
 
 You should rise when the ladies with whom you 
 are talking rise to take their leave. 
 
 Choose a moment when there is a lull in the con- 
 versation, for taking leave of the hostess, letting 
 one bow include the others in the room. 
 
 On entering a drawing-room, “don’t be in a pre- 
 cipitate hurry to get into a chair. It is just as 
 graceful, as easy and as proper to stand, and it is 
 easier to converse when in that attitude.” 
 
 Says the author of the “Bazar Book of Deco- 
 rum:” “In society, ordinarily termed good, it is 
 not customary to sit upon more than one chair at a 
 time. Sprawling of all kinds is avoided 
 
 by well-bred people, who shun excessive ease as 
 much as excessive formality. It may not be amiss 
 to remind the heedless and the young that, on en- 
 tering the room of the house of a stranger or that 
 of a visiting acquaintance, it is not becoming to 
 throw themselves at once on the sofa and stretch 
 out their legs, or into the Voltaire or easy-chair, 
 and sink into its luxurious depths. The common 
 seat will be selected by the considerate, and all the 
 exceptional provisions for extra ease and comfort 
 
388 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 left untouched until the invitation to enjoy them is 
 given.” 
 
 ATTITUDES. 
 
 Of course a gentleman will never loll, lounge, sit 
 with his legs crossed, fidget, yawn, bite the nails, 
 twirl the watch-chain, or sit with the chair resting 
 on its hind legs. 
 
 He will not gnaw the head of his cane, nor trace 
 the figures in the carpet with the end of it. 
 
 He will not stare at the furnishings of the room, 
 nor the people present. 
 
 He will not read in company. He may, however, 
 look over a book of engravings. 
 
 He must not be self-conscious. The simpler and 
 more easy and unconstrained his manners, the 
 more he will impress those about him with his good 
 breeding. 
 
 He will be cordial, but not familiar, remember- 
 ing that it is better not to be “too much ac- 
 quainted.” 
 
 MOODS. 
 
 He will not carry his moods into company. He 
 will look pleasantly and speak kindly to those about 
 him. He never sulks. 
 
 He will not afflict his hearers with an account o^ 
 his aches and pains, or his mental worries, or finan- 
 cial affairs. We do not meet in society to groan 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 389 
 
 over afflictions, but to try to forget them and to 
 help others forget theirs. 
 
 TALKING. 
 
 A gentleman does not talk to any one person 
 across another, or whisper in company. If what 
 he desires to say can not be spoken aloud, he 
 reserves it for a more suitable occasion. 
 
 He does not call attention to himself by loud 
 talking or laughing; and does not monopolize the 
 conversation. 
 
 He never talks about himself or his affairs. He 
 understands that to be agreeable, he must talk 
 about what interests his hearers and not what inter- 
 ests him. At the same time he will not be patroniz- 
 ing in his manner. 
 
 He does not talk to one person of the company 
 about matters, which solely concern that person and 
 himself, or which they alone understand. 
 
 - He does not talk about people that are unknown 
 to those present. 
 
 He does not refer to any scandals or ugly rumors 
 that may be current. 
 
 Neither does he discuss equivocal people, or 
 broach topics of questionable propriety. 
 
 He is not witty at the expense of others. 
 
 He ridicules no one, present or absent. 
 
 He does not allow his conversation or talk to dis- 
 turb the harmony of the company. 
 
390 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 If asked his opinion upon any subject, he states 
 it modestly, without argument, unless requested to 
 give his reasons “for the faith that is in him,’’ 
 which he gives with quiet dignit}, expressing no 
 anxiety to have others believe as he does. 
 
 He does not boast of the superior advantages he 
 may have had. 
 
 He does not seem to notice the deformity or pecu- 
 liarity of another. 
 
 Among the many things which a gentleman does 
 not, or should not do, the author of “Don’t,” has 
 pointed out so well the following (among many 
 others) that I copy them in his own language. 
 
 “ Don’t dwell on the beauty of women not pres- 
 ent; on the splendor of other people’s houses; on 
 the success of other people’s entertainments; on the 
 superiority of anybody. Excessive praise of peo- 
 ple or things elsewhere implies discontent with 
 people or things present. 
 
 “Don’t fail to exercise tact. If you have not tact, 
 you at least can think first about others and next 
 about yourself, and this will go a good way toward 
 it. 
 
 “Don’t introduce religious or political topics. Dis- 
 cussions on these subjects are very apt to cause 
 irritation, and hence it is best to avoid them. 
 
 “Don’t give a false coloring to your statements. 
 Truthfulness is largely a matter of habit. Where 
 very few people would deceive or lie maliciously, 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 391 
 
 many become wholly untrustworthy on account of 
 their habit of exaggeration and false coloring. 
 
 “Don’t interrupt. To cut one short in the middle 
 of his story is unpardonable. 
 
 “Don’t contradict. Difference of opinion is no 
 cause of offense, but downright contradiction is a 
 violation of one of the canons of good society. 
 
 “Don’t be disputatious. An argument which goes 
 rapidly from one to another may be tolerated; but 
 when two people in company fall into a heated dis- 
 pute, to the exclusion of all other topics, the hostess 
 should arbitrarily interfere and banish the theme. 
 
 “Don’t be long-winded. When you have a story 
 to tell, do not go into every detail and branch off 
 at every word — be direct, compact, clear and get to 
 the point as soon as you can. 
 
 “Don’t cling to one subject; don’t talk about mat- 
 ters that people generally are not interested in; 
 don’t in short, be a bore. 
 
 “Don’t repeat old jokes nor tell time-worn stories. 
 Don’t make obvious puns. An occasional pun, if a 
 good one, is a good thing; but a ceaseless flow of 
 puns is simply maddening. 
 
 “Don’t repeat anecdotes, good or bad. A very 
 good thing becomes foolishness to the ears of the 
 listener after hearing it several times. 
 
 “Don’t respond to remarks made to you, with mere 
 monosyllables. This is chilling, if not fairly insult- 
 ing. Have something to say, and say it. 
 
392 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 “ Don’t appear listless and indifferent, or exhibit 
 impatience when others are talking. Listening 
 politely to every one, is a cardinal necessity of good 
 breeding. 
 
 “Don’t be conceited. Don’t dilate on your own 
 acquirements or achievements; don’t expatiate on 
 what you have done or are going to do, or on your 
 superior talents in anything. 
 
 “ Don’t always make yourself the hero of your own 
 stories. 
 
 “Don’t show a disposition to find fault or depre- 
 ciate. Indiscriminate praise is nauseating; but, on 
 the other hand, indiscriminate condemnation is irri- 
 tating. A man of the world should , have good ap- 
 preciation and good depreciation — that is, a keen 
 sense of the merits of a thing, and an equally keen 
 sense of its faults. 
 
 '‘Don’t be sulky because you imagine yourself 
 neglected. Think only of pleasing; and try to please. 
 You will end by being pleased. 
 
 “Don’t show repugnance even to a bore. A su- 
 preme test of politeness is submission to various 
 social inflictions without a wince. 
 
 “ Don’ t, vv^hen at the card-table, moisten your 
 thumb and fingers at your lips in order to facilitate 
 the dealing of the cards. This common habit is 
 very vulgar. The aristocratic circles of a European 
 court were much horrified a few years ago by the 
 practice of this trick by the American embassador. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 393 
 
 “ Don’t show ill-temper, if the game goes, against 
 you. 
 
 “ Don’t fail in proper attention to elderly people. 
 Young persons are often scandalously neglectful of 
 the aged, especially if they are deaf or otherwise 
 afflicted. Nothing shows a better heart, or a nicer 
 sense of true politeness, than kindly attention to 
 those advanced in years. 
 
 “ Don’t in company open a book and begin reading, 
 to yourself. If you are tired of the company, 'with- 
 draw; if not, honor it with your attention. 
 
 “Don’t, in entering or leaving a room with ladies, 
 go before them. They should have precedence 
 always. 
 
 “ Don’t keep looking at your watch, as if you were 
 impatient for the time to pass. 
 
 “ Don’ t wear out your welcome by too long a stay; 
 on the other hand, don’t break up the company by 
 a premature departure. A little observation and 
 good sense will enable you to detect the right time 
 to say ‘ good night. ’ ’ ’ 
 
 PURITY OR IMPURITY OF SPEECH. 
 
 In addition to what has been said in the chapter 
 on “The Conversation of Society,” I wish to say to 
 young men, if you have not always been accus- 
 tomed to hearing and speaking good English, your 
 grammar and pronunciation will find you out, unless 
 you heed the advice given you to study grammar 
 
394 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 and the writers of the best English. You should 
 also frequent habitually, the company of the refined. 
 Listen attentively to their conversation and when 
 you hear a word pronounced differently, from what 
 you have been accustomed to, look it up in the 
 dictionary as soon as you go home. Seeing it will 
 help to impress the correct pronunciation upon your 
 memory. When you find you have been wrong, 
 change at once, no matter if you are laughed at by 
 those who know no better. You have no more right 
 to mispronounce a word when you know what is 
 correct, than you have to misstate a thing when 
 you know the truth. 
 
 A young lady went into the flower-garden one 
 morning as was her wont, and called to her sister 
 who was in the house, “Mary, see this beautiful 
 humming-bird.^” “Where.^^” asked the sister. 
 '‘There, in a gla^//’olus,” (placing the accent on the 
 second syllable.) “ Glad-/-olus ” said Mary scorn- 
 fully, “ Glad-/-olus! Yesterday it was gladi-^^-lus! 
 what has changed it?” “It is not changed at all my 
 good sister. It is only I that have changed; been 
 converted; learned a truth.” “ Well, you can em- 
 phasize the i if you wish, but it is priggish. I shall 
 go on with the 
 
 Miss Mary had a lover. He had learned the “new 
 pronunciation” of glad/olus at the same time with 
 the sister, Martha. It was only a few days after 
 Mary’s discovery of this latter fact, that she quietly 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 395 
 
 adopted the correct accent and thought it an im- 
 provement on the “old way.” 
 
 Don’t think it priggish to learn the correct way 
 of expressing your thoughts. 
 
 If you have a harsh voice, cultivate it. A good 
 teacher would be an advantage to you. 
 
 Words are the symbols of thoughts. 
 
 “ Words are things,” living things; so you have no 
 right to abuse them. “ A word fitly spoken is like 
 apples of gold in pictures of silver,” says Solomon. 
 
 Don’ t use large or grand words. Express your 
 thoughts simply. Great words are apt to cover 
 small thoughts and if you attempt to use a large 
 word and use it incorrectly or mispronounce it, it 
 makes you ridiculous. 
 
 Don’t speak of a “party,” an “individual,” an 
 “urchin” or a “ juvenile,” if you want to say anything 
 about a man, woman or child, but call them by their 
 right names. 
 
 If you wish to communicate the fact that a man 
 has broken his leg, say so, don’t say “he has frac- 
 tured his limb.” His arm also is his limb. Webster 
 used the simplest language. 
 
 On the other hand, avoid the colloquialisms and 
 vulgarities of low life.” 
 
 To return to pronunciation; a few examples may 
 remind you of some of your own errors. 
 
 Never give u the sound of oo, when it should 
 have the long sound. Many otherwise good public 
 
396 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 speakers are guilty of this trick. You hear it in 
 ''co7istitootio7i' for constitution^ ‘^dooty' for duty. 
 Also in Uibe, tu7te, deduce and many others. The 
 diphthongal sound of eu is often vulgarly changed 
 into oo as in 7iooz for 7tezvs, doo for deiv. 
 
 Pronounce 7^oiite, as if it were spelled root and 
 not rowt. 
 
 Pronounce tour as if spelled toor and not tozver. 
 Think of a “bridal pair” going on a tower d 
 
 In Arab and Arabic, give a the short sound and 
 place the accent upon the first syllable. 
 
 “Don’t say agriculturalist for agriculturist. 
 
 “Don’t say illy. There is no such word in the 
 language. Say ill. 
 
 “Don’t say I have got for I have. Differ zvith, 
 for differ from.” 
 
 Like I did, for as I did. 
 
 Less, for fewer. Less relates to quantity, fewer 
 to number. 
 
 Balafice, for remainder. 
 
 Alo7ie when you mean only. 
 
 Likewise, for also. “Also classes together things 
 or qualities, whilst likezvise couples action or state 
 of being.” 
 
 Don’t say avocation, for vocation — consult the 
 dictionary on this point, as well as on all the other 
 examples given. A dictionary of, synonyms will^be 
 useful, as will also a good grammar. 
 
 Looks beautifully, for looks beautiful. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 397 
 
 Preventative, for preventive. 
 
 IJjiderhanded, for underhand. 
 
 Speciality, for specialty. 
 
 Casiiality, for casualty. 
 
 Mutual, for common. Mutual is applicable to 
 sentiments and acts, but not to persons. 
 
 Off of, for off. Is, for are. Onto, for on. Be- 
 ware of the little foxes. 
 
 Don’t confound the verbs lie and lay, sit and set, 
 rise and raise. We lie down, sit on a chair, and 
 rise from our seat. We lay down the book, set a 
 chair aside, and raise the window. I'he principle 
 parts of the intransitive verbs are: 
 
 Lie, lay, lain. 
 
 Rise, rose, risen. 
 
 Sit, sat, sat. 
 
 Of the transitive are: 
 
 Lay, laid, laid. 
 
 Raise, raised, raised. 
 
 Set, set, set. 
 
 Distinguish between shall and will. Fix firmly 
 in your mind that, / shall, you will, he will are the 
 forms of the future, and that / will, you shall, he 
 shall, imply volition on the part of the speaker. 
 
 Will in the first person expresses a resolution or 
 a promise, as, I will not go. I zvill give it you. 
 
 Will in the second person foretells; if you come 
 at twelve o’clock, you zvill find me at home. 
 
 Will in the second person, in questions, antic- 
 
398 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 ipates a wish, or an inttmtion ; Will you go to-mor- 
 row? 
 
 Will in the third person foretells. He will come 
 to-morrow. 
 
 Would is subject to the same rules as will. 
 
 Shall in the first person foretells, simply express- 
 ing »what is to take place ; I shall go to-morrow. 
 
 Shall in the first person in questions asks per- 
 mission; Shall I read? 
 
 Shall in the second and third persons, expresses 
 a promise, a command, or a threat. 
 
 You shall have these books to-morrow. Thou 
 shall not steal. He shall be punished . for this. 
 
 Should is subject to the same rules as shall , — 
 Remarks on shall and will condensed front A. S. 
 Hills’ Rhetoric. 
 
 Among provincialisms, the following are quite 
 common. Rubbers or gums for over-shoes. A 
 Frenchman visiting at a house in America, asked 
 where his friend was, when one of the family re- 
 plied, “He is wiping his gums on the door-mat.” 
 “Oh, how filthy!” said the foreigner, “has he no 
 tooth-brush?” 
 
 Right off, or right away, for immediately. Right 
 well, for very well. 
 
 “He’s a crack shot.” “I’ve the boss rifle. 
 “Mary, go and fix yourself for the party. ” “He 
 blamed it on me.” 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 399 
 
 “These hats are both just alike,” instead of 
 
 These hats are alike.” 
 
 Answer and reply are used indiscriminately. An 
 ansiver is given to a question; a reply to an asser- 
 tion. When we are addressed, we answer; when 
 accused, we reply. 
 
 Don’t say paitts and gents, for pantaloons and 
 gentlemen. In speaking of the latter vulgarism, 
 Alfred Ayres says, “If we say gents why not say 
 lades.'' 
 
 We frequently hear, among people who ought to 
 know better, such expressions as “I done it,” for “I 
 did it;” “I seen it,” for “I sazv it;” “He had zventj 
 for “He had “He will learn them,” for “He 
 
 will teach them.” 
 
 Less than a week ago, I heard a “society young 
 man” sa}^ “Father is going to take and build an 
 
 elegant new house on ^ Avenue.” What was 
 
 father going to take? Would he or could he build 
 an old house.^ 
 
 Young ladies are accused — and justly- — of using 
 extravagant adjectives; such as “dreadful pretty,” 
 “awful nice,” “an elegant pudding,” “the spendidest 
 morning,” “the most beautiful lemonade,” “the 
 sweetest bonnet,” etc., etc., but their brothers are 
 equally guilty of abusing the Queen’s English in ex- 
 aggerations like the following: “It rained floods and 
 oceans.” “It rained pitchforks and shovels.” “He 
 bagged piles of greenbacks,” etc. 
 
400 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 A man’s language betrays his training and asso- 
 ciations. His conversation reflects his character. 
 Then strive to overcome the faults of bad train- 
 ing, or of the lack of training, by study and ob- 
 servation; by association with only those whose 
 purity of speech is worthy of imitation. Study 
 yourself and when you discover defects, from your 
 conversation or otherwise, set to work to find a 
 remedy. This, too, will be aided by the right kind 
 of associates and surroundings, but communion with 
 yourself will do more than all else. 
 
 If your own speech, language, grammar, etc., are 
 what they should be, you will not notice the sole- 
 cisms and mispronunciations of others, especially in 
 the presence of others, and never in ridicule. 
 
 GENTLEMEN IN PUBLIC. 
 
 « 
 
 If a gentleman gives up his seat in a car to a 
 lady whom you are accompanying, never seat your- 
 self while he is yet standing, but insist upon his 
 taking the first vacant place. Lift your hat to him 
 when he first offers the seat. 
 
 A gentleman after being introduced to a lady 
 must wait for her to bow first before he ventures to 
 claim her as an acquaintance. This is Anglo-Saxon 
 etiquette. On the Continent the gentleman bows 
 first. An American gentleman takes his hat quite 
 off to a lady; a foreigner raises it but slightly and 
 bows with a deferential air. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 401 
 
 If a gentleman wishes to speak to a lady ac- 
 quaintance, he does not stop her on the street but 
 turns and walks by her side. When leaving her he 
 bovv^s and raises his hat. 
 
 When any one, gentleman or lady, bows to the 
 lady with whom you are walking, lift your hat 
 whether you know him or her, or not. 
 
 Should you see ladies, whom you know, alight 
 from or enter a cab or carriage, unattended by a 
 gentleman, especially if there is no footman, ad- 
 vance, hold open the door and offer your hand, or 
 protect the dress from the wheel; bow (a gentleman 
 akvays raises his hat when bowing) and pass on. 
 Or, should they desire it and you have the leisure^ 
 you may attend them where they are about to en- 
 ter. Hold the door open while they pass in and 
 follow them. 
 
 If a lady with whom you are unacquainted drops 
 her handkerchief or anything she may be carrying, 
 restore it to her and raise your hat. 
 
 If you render aii}^ little service, as the passing of 
 her fare in the omnibus or street-car, raise your hat 
 politely. 
 
 It is not etiquette for a lady to take a gentle- 
 man’s arm in the street, unless she is an^ elderly 
 lady, an invalid or has been wearied by a long walk. 
 At night the arm should be offered; also in ascend- 
 ing long flights of stairs in public buildings. 
 
 In entering a church or a crowded concert room, 
 
402 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 anywhere, where they are best aided in securing seats 
 and escaping the jostling, gentlemen should pre- 
 cede ladies. 
 
 If occasion demands your remaining stationary 
 upon the steps or in the portico of a public edifice, 
 make room for ladies who may be entering, and 
 avoid any appearance of curiosity regarding them. 
 
 Carefully avoid all semblance of staring at ladies 
 passing in the street, alighting from a carriage, etc., 
 and make no comment, even of a complimentary 
 nature, in a voice that can possibly reach their 
 ears. 
 
 On the promenade, always keep to the right, and 
 do not elbow people, nor brush them, nor in any 
 way show disregard for the comfort of others. 
 
 Don’t hurry along as if the hour were your last. 
 Take time to smile, or at least look pleasant if you 
 meet a friend. And if you should be jostled against 
 another, beg his pardon. 
 
 During business hours and in crowded business 
 streets, no man should ever stop another, whom he 
 knows to be occupied at such times except upon a 
 matter of urgent need, when he should state his 
 errand briefly and apologize for the detention. 
 
 If you are compelled to detain a friend when he 
 is walking with a stranger, courteously apologize to 
 the stranger and do not keep him long waiting. 
 
 If you are the stranger and your friend is de- 
 tained, respond cheerfully to the apology offered 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 403 
 
 and draw aside, or walk on slowly, or else rnake 
 arrangements to meet your friend at a given place. 
 A friend should never be left suddenly in the street 
 without an apology. 
 
 Upon passing servants or others inferior in sta- 
 tion whom you wish to recognize, speak kindly, 
 without bowing or raising the hat. 
 
 Never carry an umbrella in a crowd horizon- 
 tally. It is better to make a stick of it than to en- 
 danger passers-by. 
 
 SMOKING. 
 
 Young men are advised not to smoke in public 
 vehicles or any place where it is likely to be offen- 
 sive. If they heed this advice they will never 
 smoke, for if it is not offensive to any man, woman, 
 or child, it is to everlasting principle — an abomina- 
 tion to the Most High — Don’t smoke. 
 
 EATING. 
 
 As all necessary arrangement of the toilet, as 
 v/ell as attention to the person, should be private, 
 so all your eating should be done in the dining- 
 room, or at least at home and not upon the street. 
 
 CHEWING GUM. 
 
 There is another disgusting habit which has been 
 indulged for several years, by men, women and 
 children, that of chewing gum. It is only a little 
 less ill-bred than snuff-dipping or snuff-taking. 
 
404 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 Those who defend the of gum-chewing 
 
 will tell you that it aids digestion and is therefore 
 “ hygienically proper.” This is robbing Peter to 
 pay Paul. If vigorous chewing excites an unusual 
 or unnatural flow of saliva or of the gastric juices 
 after luncheon, it takes just so much from the 
 quantity necessary to digest your dinner. If you 
 borrow for dinner you must keep on borrowing and 
 by and by get so deeply in debt that you will be 
 bankrupt in the coin necessary to carry on the daily 
 operation of replenishing the physical system. 
 Gum-chewing, tobacco-chewing, smoking, every un- 
 natural or unbecoming habit, besides being ill-bred, 
 is immoral. 
 
 It is not unusual to see several young men stand- 
 ing upon car-platforms, smoking and chewing gum, 
 making life a burden to ladies going in or coming 
 out of the cars. 
 
 AT THE THEATER, ETC. 
 
 “Don’t bustle into a theatre or concert after the 
 performance has begun, to the annoyance of others. 
 Arrive early and be seated in time. The manager 
 who will resolutely refuse permission for any one to 
 enter an auditorum after the curtain has risen, will 
 win for himself a golden meed of praise.” At least 
 let the manager prohibit the wearing of squeaking 
 boots by a late comer. 
 
 Never comment upon a performance at the opera ' 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 405 
 
 or theater while it is in progress; nor upon a lecture 
 or sermon. Give your neighbor credit for having 
 eyes and ears. It will be a good subject for con- 
 versation when next you meet. And if he or she 
 have not sufficient intelligence to appreciate the en- 
 tertainment, your remarks will not enlighten him or 
 her, but they may disturb others. Besides “talk- 
 ing in meeting” is a sort of egotism which you 
 should avoid. You should care as much for your 
 neighbor as for yourself and think more of his 
 comfort than your own. 
 
 When you attend ladies to concerts or lectures, 
 it is not expected that you will give up your seat to 
 other ladies; it would not be proper for you to sepa- 
 rate yourself from those under your care. 
 
 Should it be necessary for you to crowd past 
 others and afterward resume your seat, be careful 
 of dresses, etc. , and apologize politely for the in- 
 convenience you have occasioned. 
 
 Be as quiet and reverential in a picture gallery, or 
 any place where works of art are exhibited, as you 
 would be in church. Never criticize or comment 
 audibly upon the subjects before you. Do not dis- 
 turb the thoughts or emotions of those around you 
 by any noise or bustle or by rudely pushing in before 
 them. 
 
 Never attach yourself to a party of gentlemen 
 and ladies, nor of gentlemen alone, unless invited to 
 
4o6 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 do SO, and even then you should be sure that it is 
 agreeable to each member of the party. 
 
 AT CHURCH. 
 
 It is unnecessary to say that the utmost quiet and 
 decorum should be observed in church, or that the 
 hat should be removed in the vestibule, or that there 
 should be no whispering, laughing or staring; yet 
 to make these rules complete we add them to others 
 which are necessary. 
 
 A gentleman should open the pew door and hold 
 it open while the lady enters, then follow her and 
 close the door. 
 
 If a stranger enter the church unobserved by the 
 sexton and consequently be not provided at once 
 with a seat, the pew door should be opened and the 
 stranger motioned to enter. 
 
 Strangers should be provided with books and if 
 they are unaccustomed to the service, the places for 
 the day’s reading should be indicated. Or if there 
 is no separate book for his use, it is courteous to 
 offer to share yours with him. 
 
 If a fan or a book is offered you, accept or refuse 
 it with a silent gesture. 
 
 When the services are concluded, pass quietly and 
 decorously out to the vestibule. Here you may 
 exchange greetings with friends in a quiet way, but 
 no loud talking or laughing should be attempted. 
 
 Should you visit a church of a different belief 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 407 
 
 from your own, pay the utmost respect to the serv- 
 ices and conform in all things to the observances of 
 the church. No matter how grotesque some of the 
 forms may seem to you, observe them as if you be- 
 lieved in them. 
 
 When you enter a strange church, wait until the 
 sexton shows you to a seat. It is ill-bred to enter 
 a pew uninvited, or to enter an unoccupied pew 
 without permission. 
 
 Never go to church during the service, for the 
 purpose of seeing the building. Choose a time 
 when you will be at liberty to move from place to 
 place, thus getting a better idea of its architecture 
 and disturbing no one. 
 
 KEEPING STEP. 
 
 In walking with a lady, always keep step with her 
 by shortening your pace. She should also lengthen 
 hers, thus compromising on a mean between her 
 short and your long steps. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN OPENS THE DOOR 
 
 for a lady or ladies, and holds it open while they 
 enter. He does this not only for ladies who are 
 witlv him, but for others who are about to enter at 
 the same time with him. As has been said {several 
 times,) the gentleman holds his hat in his hand 
 while the ladies pass in advance, if it is possible to 
 hold the door open from the outside; if not he steps 
 inside before them. 
 
4o8 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 UP AND DOWN STAIRS. 
 
 A gentleman always precedes a lady up stairs and 
 follows her down. If, however, the staircase is of 
 sufficient width, he offers her his right arm and they 
 ascend together. 
 
 IN TRAVELING 
 
 by boat or by railway, a gentleman should always 
 consult the comfort of his fellow travelers before 
 giving himself any unusual privilege, such as open- 
 ing a window or a door. Those who would be 
 affected by the change should be given the oppor- 
 tunity to object before the window is opened. This 
 would be less mortifying than to be requested to 
 close it. A person in delicate health cannot endure 
 the draft of an open window or door, and may object 
 to the smoke and cinders from the engine. 
 
 There are discomforts as well as pleasures in trav- 
 eling, and if we would enjoy the one we must endure 
 the other. 
 
 AT A PUBLIC TABLE. 
 
 As far as circumstances will permit, observe the 
 same . etiquette at a public, that you do at a private 
 table. Set the example of decency, regardless of 
 the boors with whom you may be surrounded. Gen- 
 erally there is no need of haste, but if there should 
 be, you can still be a gentleman. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 409 
 
 ENTERING A CARRIAGE. 
 
 If possible, enter a carriage with your back toward 
 the seat you intend to occupy, so there will be no 
 need of turning around, and be careful not to trample 
 upon or crush ladies’ dresses. 
 
 The seat of the lady or ladies, is of course facing 
 the horses. The gentleman sits opposite to her, 
 unless she invite him to sit beside her. The place 
 of honor is on the right hand of the seat occupied 
 by the lady. 
 
 ALIGHTING FROM THE CARRIAGE. 
 
 A gentleman alights first and then assists the la- 
 dies to alight. The servant may hold the door 
 open; if there is no servant, the gentleman performs 
 this duty of course. 
 
 BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE, ETC. 
 
 Manners aim to facilitate life, to get rid of im- 
 pediments, and bring the man pure to energy. 
 They aid our dealing and conversation, as a rail- 
 way aids traveling, by getting rid of all avoidable 
 obstructions of the road, and leaving nothing to be 
 conquered but pure space. — Emerson. 
 
 Good manners are not to be put on for -especial 
 occasions like fine clothes, but should become a 
 second nature; should extend to all the relations of 
 life; to our business transactions, domestic rela- 
 
410 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 tions; every act should be characterized by good 
 breeding. 
 
 “Custom is an habitual practice, whether of in- 
 dividuals or communities.” Good customs should 
 become fixed habits with young men, so much so 
 that they would never be tempted to do anything 
 except in the right way, according to the best cus- 
 toms. 
 
 Some men, we are sorry to say, practically adopt 
 the opinion that the courteous observances of social 
 and domestic life are wholly inapplicable to busi- 
 ness intercourse. Although the observance of elab- 
 orate ceremony in the more practical associations 
 of busy outer life would be absurdly inappropriate, 
 that careful respect for the rights and feelings of 
 others, which is the basis of all true politeness, 
 should not, under these circumstances and in these 
 relations, be disregarded. 
 
 The secret of the popularity of some business 
 men with their compeers and employes, lies often 
 rather in the manner than in any other character- 
 istic. You may observe in one instance a universal 
 favorite, to whom all his associates extend a wel- 
 coming hand, as though there were magic in the 
 ready smile and genial manner, and who is served 
 by his inferiors in station with cheerfulness and 
 alacrity, indicating that a little more than a busi- 
 ness bond draws them to him; and, again, an up- 
 right but externally repulsive man, though always 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 4II 
 
 commanding respect from his compeers, holds them 
 aloof by his frigidity, and receives the service of 
 fear rather than of love from those to whom he 
 may be always just and “even human,” if never 
 sympathizing and unbending. 
 
 A young man can begin business with a small 
 cash capital and succeed well, provided he is well 
 supplied with that best stock in trade, sincerely af- 
 fable and refined manners, along with a knowledge 
 of business rules which include intelligent letter- 
 writing. 
 
 Closely written postal cards and long letters re- 
 ceive little favor from busy men; it is, therefore, 
 important that you learn to say what you desire to 
 say briefly and to the point. 
 
 I have given the forms of address, signature, etc., 
 and general directions for correspondence in the 
 chapter on Letters arid Letter-Writing. I will add 
 here a few hints and forms, although the varying 
 circumstances under which letters are written, make 
 it impossible to do more than give a mere sugges- 
 tion for the guidance of the beginner. Practice and 
 good judgment will do the rest. 
 
 In answering a business letter always state the 
 substance of the letter received, before the answer 
 is given, that the correspondent may have the mat- 
 ter recalled to mind; as this will save him the time 
 and trouble of referring to his letter-book. Every 
 careful business man keeps a letter-book, into 
 
412 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 which is copied by means of a press, every import- 
 ant letter: 
 
 Omaha, Neb., Nov. 15, 1889. 
 Messrs. A. C. McCune & Co., Chicago. 
 
 Gentle^nen : — Your favor of Nov. i, in which you 
 offer us the Natural History of Mexico, in ten folio 
 volumes, for live hundred dollars ($500) is received, 
 and we herewith enclose our check for the amount, 
 with the request that you ship them by U. S. Ex- 
 press at once. 
 
 Thanking you for the liberal reduction from your 
 former figures, we are, 
 
 Very truly yours, 
 
 John Harlan & Co. 
 
 A business letter should receive an immediate re- 
 ply, which should be as brief as is consistent with 
 a proper understanding of the matter under con- 
 sideration. 
 
 The foregoing letter indicates a previous corres- 
 pondence; an order for books without any prelim- 
 inary correspondence must state explicity what is 
 wanted. Give the author’s name, edition, date of 
 publication, name of publishers, etc. Much annoy- 
 ance is caused by carelessness in ordering books 
 and other merchandise. 
 
 Milwaukee, Wis., June i, 1889. 
 Messrs. Potter & Coales, Philadelphia. 
 
 Dear Sirs : — Please send me by American Ex- 
 
TO YOUNG MKN. 
 
 413 
 
 press, C. O. I)., one copy of McMaster’s History of 
 he United States, second edition, 1889, Harper & 
 Brothers, Piiblisfiers. 
 
 When writing to a person or firm for information 
 for your own benefit, enclose a postal card, with 
 your name and address upon it, for the answer. 
 
 In ordering goods of any kind, send in your order 
 early enough to allow for possible delay in filling. 
 That is, order some time before you need them. 
 
 If errors occur in a bill or invoice of goods, state 
 the fact to your correspondent, briefly but courte- 
 ously. Never write an impudent or impatient 
 letter. 
 
 1 )KS Moines, Iowa, June 15, 1889. 
 Messrs. Marshall, Jones & Co., Chicago. 
 
 Dear Sirs : — d'he goods ordered of you June 10, 
 are received, with the exception of six dozen silk 
 handkerchiefs, which are missing, although they 
 are charged in the bill. Your early attention to 
 this omission will oblige me. 
 
 Respectfully yours, 
 
 J. W. Jones. 
 
 answer to the above letter. 
 
 Chicago, June 17, 1889. 
 Mr. J. W. Jonics, I)es Moines. 
 
 Dear Sir : — We regret tlie omission of part of 
 your order from our last shipment of goods to you. 
 Our shipping clerk was ill and his place temporarily 
 
414 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 supplied from another department; hence the 
 blunder. We ship the goods to-day. Hoping you 
 will suffer no great inconvenience on our account, 
 we remain, Sir, Very truly yours, 
 
 Marshall, Jones & Co. 
 
 FROM A MERCHANT REQUESTING PAYMENT. 
 
 Rock Island, III., Oct. 12, 1889. 
 Mr. James Andrews, Moline, 111. 
 
 Dear Sir : — Having several heavy engagements 
 to meet next week, I am under the necessity of 
 asking you to settle my bill for the quarter ending 
 September 30, to-morrow or the next day. The 
 amount of bill rendered is $110.75, which can be 
 paid as usual by check on the First National Bank, 
 or to my collector who will call upon you day after 
 to-morrow. I am Sir, Respectfully yours, 
 
 Nathaniel Macomber. 
 
 ORDERING A MAGAZINE. 
 
 Andover, Minn., April 5, 1889. 
 The Forum Publishing Co., New York. 
 
 Gentlemen: — Enclosed, find post-office order for 
 $5.00, for which please send me the Forum one 
 year, beginning with No. i, Volume V — March 1889. 
 
 Respectfully yours, 
 
 Mrs. Silas Morgan. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 415 
 
 LETTERS OF APPLICATION. 
 
 Probably there is no more difficult letter to write 
 than one of application, as it is a delicate matter to 
 speak of one’s ability to fill the position sought 
 without seeming egotism. If you have had experi- 
 ence in work similar to that for which you apply, 
 say so frankly but modestly. If you have had no* 
 experience, state what advantages you have had 
 that will be likely to qualify you for the work. 
 Write your application yourself, in your own words, 
 as your style and hand-writing are the test of your 
 adaptability to the position. Send with your letter 
 copies of any good testimonials you may have. If 
 your application is made in answer to a newspaper 
 advertisement, paste or pin the advertisement to 
 the head of your letter. 
 
 APPLICATION FOR POSITION OF BOOK-KEEPER. 
 
 Buffalo, N. Y., January 4, 1890. 
 Messrs. Thos. Mitchell & Co., Syracuse, N. Y- 
 Gentlemen : — I am informed that your book- 
 keeper is soon to retire from your service, and I 
 desire to make application for the position. I am 
 a graduate of the Monroe Business College of this 
 city and have taught bookkeeping for two years in 
 the same institution. I will be glad if you will give 
 me a trial. Very respectfully, 
 
 James Keeler. 
 
4i6 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR A PARTNER. 
 
 Cincinnati, Ohio, August 4, 1889. 
 Mr. James Shean, Pittsburg, Penn. 
 
 Dear Sir : — I notice in this morning’s “Inquirer” 
 your advertisement for a “Partner in 'the book 
 publishing business.” I have a little capital which 
 I wish to invest and would be glad to open a cor- 
 respondence with you. Please give me full par- 
 ticulars and references. Should our correspondence 
 be likely to result in a partnership, I will forward to 
 you satisfactory references. 
 
 Respectfully yours, 
 
 George Connelly. 
 
 LETTERS ON LITERARY MATTERS. 
 
 Letters to editors and publishers should be as 
 brief as any other business letters. Make no men- 
 tion of personal matters of any kind; you only 
 prejudice the editor against your manuscript by so 
 doing. Mr. C. M. Hammond in “The Writer ”, 
 volume I, speaking of sending articles to publishers: 
 “I say send, and this is very important. Enclose 
 simply a note, like this. 
 
 “Boston, March 17, 1887. 
 
 ^^Dear Sir : — If the article enclosed is worth noth- 
 ing to you, please return it in enclosed stamped and 
 addressed envelope. 
 
 Truly yours, 
 
 John Smith. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 417 
 
 “Don’t explain that you are a graduate of Harvard, 
 that you are the author of such a book or such and 
 such articles, that you have traveled extensively, 
 that you are forty-five years old, that you don’t 
 need money, that you are a friend of James Jones, 
 - — or anything else in fact. The sample letter 
 above is enough. The editor can read it at a glance 
 and involuntarily looks at the manuscript. The title 
 or the first few lines will tell him whether he will 
 or will not want the article.” 
 
 Henry Holt, in the same volume, says: “ Don’t 
 bore publishers. ^ An author’s desire to 
 
 expound or explain his manuscript awakens at once 
 an impression that it has been written by a man not 
 over wise. A reasonable man must realize that he 
 can’t expound or explain his book to the public. It 
 must explain itself, and if it can’t do that to the 
 publisher’s reader, it certainly can’t to the public. 
 When a manuscript is offered in a way that shows 
 a realization of these facts, the presumption is at 
 once aroused that the author has at least, common 
 sense and good taste.” 
 
 Before sending a manuscript to a publisher, 
 write your name and address on the upper right 
 hand corner of the first pag^. Also enclose post- 
 age for its return in case it is rejected. 
 
 Boston, Mass., Feb. 12, 1889. 
 
 Messrs. Potter & Coales, Philadelphia. 
 
 Gentlemen : — Will you please examine the en- 
 
4i8 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 closed manuscript, with a view to publishing it, if 
 it meets your approval. If your answer is favor- 
 able, the business details can be arranged later on. 
 
 Respectfully yours, 
 
 Mrs. Clara Benedict. 
 
 As every letter has an individuality of its own, it 
 is impossible to give forms to aid in every emergency 
 — for the obligation to write an occasional letter is 
 an emergency to those unaccustomed to epistolary 
 correspondence. 
 
 The rules for letter-writing should be carefully 
 studied. 
 
 Learn to express your ideas clearly and briefly. 
 Of course you must have ideas before you can learn 
 to express them. 
 
 Before you begin to write a letter, know just 
 what you want to say, and then say it. 
 
 While learning to write letters, it is well to first 
 make a rough draft on any scrap of paper and study 
 it, to see if it is just what you want to say. If not 
 change it and keep changing it until it is “right.” I 
 would not advise you to continue in this way, but to 
 arrange your ideas in your mind and then transcribe 
 them at once upon the note paper. Practice will 
 soon enable you to do this. 
 
 As soon as you have learned the proper titles, 
 forms of addresses and signatures, superscription, 
 etc., depend upon yourself and not upon “letter- 
 writers.” They are poor crutches to lean upon. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 419 
 
 except in ceremonious communications, in which 
 case etiquette demands certain forms. 
 
 HINTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 ^“Manners,” says Edmund Burke, “are of more 
 importance than laws. Upon them, in a great 
 measure, the laws depend. The law can touch us 
 here and there, now and then. Manners are what 
 vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, 
 barbarize or refine, by a constant, steady, uniform, 
 insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe 
 in. They give their whole form and color to our 
 lives. According to their quality they aid morals, 
 they supply them, or they totally destroy them.” 
 
 Never jest upon serious subjects. Avoid scandal. 
 If another person attempts to retail ugly rumors, 
 put a stop to it by kindly requesting him to desist. 
 
 There are other ways of encouraging scandal- 
 mongers besides giving them the spoken word. A 
 sneer, a curl of the lip, a raising of the brows, a 
 shrug of the shoulders, often suggest more than 
 the most cruel words. It is cowardly and contempti- 
 ble to do this and no gentleman will be guilty of it. 
 
 Never laugh at your own wit, or your own stories. 
 
 Avoid all personalities. 
 
 Never flatter; it betrays a want of delicacy. 
 Neither rebuke harshly; this betrays a want of sym- 
 pathy or feeling. If a friend has done well, tell him 
 so honestly. If he has done wrong, kindly and 
 
420 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 gently point out his error to him and to no one else. 
 He will thank you for it. 
 
 “Don’t borrow books, unless you return them 
 promptly. If you do borrow books, don’t mar them 
 in any way; don’t bend or break the backs; don’t 
 fold down the leaves; don’t write on the margins; 
 don’t stain them with grease spots. Read them, 
 but treat them as friends that must not be abused.” 
 
 When reading a book belonging to a public 
 library, don’t proclaim to the reading public how 
 acute you are in discovering nice points and senti- 
 ments, by marking them with ink or pencil. No 
 body cares to have the beauties of an author labeled 
 and ticketed; he wants to discover them for himself. 
 
 Keep your appointments religiously. If you 
 promised to meet any one and especially a man of 
 business at a certain hour, let nothing avoidable 
 detain you. If any unforeseen event compels you 
 to break the engagement, send word by special 
 messenger to the person who expects you. 
 
 Never betray a confidence. If you accept it, you 
 have no right to divulge it by word, look or sign. 
 Be careful what sort of confidences you take into 
 your keeping. 
 
 Be very sparing of your own confidences to others. 
 Keep your own secrets and you will have nothing 
 to regret on that score. 
 
 Retailing the unkind things that have been said 
 of you,' or speaking ill of a rival in your trade or 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 421 
 
 profession is in very bad taste; besides being a con- 
 fession of your conscious or unconscious inferiority. 
 
 Every city has its ordinances against fast driving; 
 nevertheless there are young men calling themselves 
 gentlemen, who disregard the law, with the result 
 sometimes of injuring women and children by caus- 
 ing runaways, etc. If an accident of this kind does 
 happen, a man if he is a gentleman, will do all in 
 his power to right the wrong he has done, so far as 
 it can be righted. Gentlemen never violate the 
 laws — either civil or social. 
 
 ‘ ‘ Don’ t be selfish ; don’t be exacting ; don’ t storm 
 if things go wrong; don’t be grum and sullen; don’t 
 fret — one fretful person in a house is ruin to its 
 peace; don’t make yourself in any particular a nui- 
 sance to your neighbors or your family.” 
 
 Don’t chew gum! Yes, I am aware I have said 
 this before, and I am going to say it again. 
 
 A gentleman should know how to box, fence, ride, 
 drive, shoot, swim and dance. He should practice 
 every “accomplishment” that will give him strength 
 and grace. 
 
 He should practice also the virtues which will 
 give him grace and strength of character. Chief 
 among these is self-respect. “Men of character 
 are the conscience of the society to which they be- 
 long. ” No change of circumstances can repair a 
 defect of character. Manners are the reflex of 
 character. Life is made up of little things. Atten- 
 
422 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 tion to details is the sign of a great mind. Atten- 
 tion to the little courtesies of life stamp you as a 
 gentleman; neglect of them proclaims you a boor. 
 
 Never contradict any one. Say “ I beg your par- 
 don, but I think you are mistaken.” Disputing is 
 apt to engender ill feeling, therefore don’t dispute. 
 
 Never correct inaccuracies in the statements of 
 others. 
 
 Never sit with your back to a person unless una- 
 voidable, in which case ask to be excused. 
 
 Of course no gentleman will use profane language. 
 
 Don’t stand before the fire when there are others 
 in the room. 
 
 Washington’s maxims. 
 
 In Thomas Jefferson’s works are published some 
 rules of etiquette regarding first calls, applicable to 
 official society at Washington. George Washing- 
 ton gives to the world, through Mr. Sparks, his 
 “Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in 
 Company,” which hold good everywhere. We re- 
 produce them here. 
 
 1. Every action in company ought to be with 
 some sign of respect to those present. 
 
 2. In the presence of others sing not to yourself 
 with a humming voice, nor drum with your fingers 
 or feet. 
 
 3. Speak not when others speak, sit not when 
 others stand and walk not when others stop. ' 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 423 
 
 4. Turn not your back to others, especially in 
 speaking; jog not the table or desk on which an- 
 other reads or writes; lean not on any one. 
 
 5. Be no flatterer, neither play with any one 
 that delights not to be played with. 
 
 6. Read no letters, books or papers in com- 
 pany; but when there is a necessity for doing it, 
 you must not leave. Come not near the books or 
 writings of any one so as to read them unasked; 
 also look not nigh when another is writing a letter. 
 
 7. Let your countenance be pleasant, but in 
 serious matters somewhat grave. 
 
 8. Show not yourself glad at -the misfortune of 
 another, though he were your enemy. 
 
 9. They that are in dignity or office have in all 
 places precedency, but whilst they are young, they 
 ought to respect those that are their equals in birth 
 or other qualities, though they have no public 
 charge. 
 
 10. It is good manners to prefer them to whom 
 we speak before ourselves, especially if they be 
 above us, with whom in no sort we ought to begin. 
 
 1 1. Let your discourse with men of business be 
 short and comprehensive. 
 
 12. In visiting the sick do not presently play 
 the physician if you be not knowing therein. 
 
 13. In writing or speaking give to every person 
 his due title according to his degree and the cus- 
 tom of the place. 
 
424 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 14. Strive not with your superiors in argument, 
 but always submit your judgment to others with 
 modesty. 
 
 15. Undertake not to teach your equal in the 
 art he himself professes; it savors of arrogancy. 
 
 16. When a . man does all he can, though it suc- 
 ceeds not well, blame not him that did it. 
 
 17. Being to advise or reprehend any one, con- 
 sider whether it ought to be in public or in private, 
 presently or at some other time, also in what terms 
 to do it; and in reproving show no signs of choler, 
 but do it with sweetness and mildness. 
 
 18. Mock not nor jest at anything of import- 
 ance, break no jests that are sharp or biting; and 
 if you deliver anything witty or pleasant, abstain 
 from laughing thereat yourself. 
 
 19. Wherein you reprove another be unblam- 
 able yourself, for example is more prevalent than 
 precept. 
 
 20. Use no reproachful language against any 
 one, neither curses no revilings. 
 
 21. Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the 
 disparagement of any one. 
 
 22. In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to 
 accomodate nature rather than procure admiration. 
 Keep to the fashion of your equals, such aS are civil 
 and orderly with respect to time and place. 
 
 23. Play not the peacock, looking everywhere 
 about you to see if you be well decked, if your shoes 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 425 
 
 fit well, if your stockings set neatly and clothes 
 handsomely. 
 
 24. Associate yourself with men of good qual- 
 ity if you esteem your own reputation, for it is bet- 
 ter to be alone than in bad company. 
 
 25. Let your conversation be without malice or 
 envy, for it is a sign of tractable and commendable 
 nature; and in all causes of passion admit reason to 
 govern. 
 
 26. Be not immodest in urging your friend to 
 discover a secret. 
 
 27. Utter not base and frivolous things amongst 
 grown and learned men, nor very difficult questions 
 or subjects amongst the ignorant, nor things hard 
 to be believed. 
 
 28. Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth 
 nor at the table; speak not of melancholy things, as 
 death and wounds; and if others mention them 
 change, if you can, the discourse. Tell not your 
 dreams but to your intimate friends. 
 
 29. Break not a jest when none take pleasure in 
 mirth. Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion. 
 Deride no man’s mnsfortunes, though there seem to 
 be some cause. 
 
 30. Speak not injurious words, neither in jest 
 nor in earnest. Scoff at none, although they give 
 occasion. 
 
 31. Be not forward, but courteous, the 'first to 
 
 28 
 
426 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 salute, hear and answer, and be not pensive when it 
 is time to converse. 
 
 32. Detract not from others, but neither be ex- 
 cessive in commending. 
 
 33. Go not thither where you know not whether 
 you shall be welcome or not. Give not advice 
 without being asked; and when desired, do it briefly. 
 
 34. If two contend together, take not the part 
 of either unconstrained, and be not obstinate in 
 opinion; in things indifferent be of the major side. 
 
 35. Reprehend not the imperfection of others, 
 for that belongs to parents, masters and superiors. 
 
 36. Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others, 
 and ask not how they came. What you may speak 
 in secret to your friend deliver not before others. 
 
 37. Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, 
 but in your own laguage; and that as those of qual- 
 ity do, and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters 
 treat seriously. 
 
 38. Think before you speak; pronounce not im- 
 perfectly, nor bring out your words too hastily, but 
 orderly and distinctly. 
 
 39. When another speaks, be attentive yourself 
 and do not disturb the audience. If any hesitate 
 in his words, help him not, nor prompt him without 
 being desired ; interrupt him not, nor answer him 
 till his speech be ended. 
 
 40. Treat with men at fit times about business, 
 and whisper not in the company of others. 
 
TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 427 
 
 41. Make no comparisons; and if any of the 
 company be commended for any brave act of 
 virtue, commend not another for the same. 
 
 42. Be not apt to relate news if you know not 
 the truth thereof. In discoursing of things you 
 have heard, name not your author always. A 
 secret discover not. 
 
 43. Be not curious to know the affairs of others, 
 neither approach to those that speak in private. 
 
 44. Undertake not what you cannot perform; 
 but be careful to keep your promise. 
 
 45. When you deliver a matter, do it without 
 passion or indiscretion, however mean the person 
 may be you do it to. 
 
 46. When your superiors talk to anybody, hear 
 them ; neither speak nor laugh. 
 
 47. In dispute be not so desirous to overcome as 
 not to give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, 
 and submit to the judgment of the major part, 
 especially if they are judges of the dispute. 
 
 48. Be not tedious in discourse, make not many 
 digressions, nor repeat often the same matter of 
 discourse. 
 
 49. Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust. 
 
 50. Be not angry at table, whatever happens; 
 and if you have reason to be so, show it not ; put 
 on a cheerful countenance, especially if there be 
 strangers, for good humor makes one dish a feast. 
 
 51. Set not yourself at the upper end of the 
 
428 
 
 TO YOUNG MEN. 
 
 table; but if it be your due, or the master of the 
 house will have it so, contend not, lest you should 
 trouble the company. 
 
 52. When you speak of God or his attributes, 
 let it be seriously, in reverence and honor, and obey 
 your natural parents. 
 
 53. Let your recreations be manful, not sinful. 
 
 54. Labor to keep alive in your breast that 
 little spark of celestial fire called conscience. 
 
PRINCIPAL AUTHORS CONSULTED. 
 
 Ayres, Alfred (Pseud, for Dr. T. E. Osmun.) 
 Bacon, Lord. 
 
 Bazar Book of Decorum. 
 
 Bulwer. 
 
 Burke. 
 
 Carlyle. 
 
 Censor, (Wm. Cooke Taylor, L.L. D.) 
 Chesterfield, Lord. 
 
 Dahlgren, Mrs. Admiral, Etiquette of Social Life 
 in Washington. 
 
 Duffey, Mrs. E. B. 
 
 Emerson. 
 
 Hamerton. 
 
 Higgings, T. W. 
 
 Hill, D. J., Elements of Rhetoric. 
 
 Mahaffy, Art of Conversation. 
 
 Mathews, Words, etc. 
 
 More, Hannah. 
 
 Practical Etiquette, by N. C. 
 
 Sherwood, Mrs. John. 
 
 Social Etiquette of New York. 
 
 Thackeray. 
 
 Ward, xMrs. H. O. 
 
 Washington, (Sparks.) 
 
 Writer, The. 
 
 And various journalists and magazine writers. 
 (429) 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Acceptance of invitations, 97-99, 105, 
 162, 184. 
 
 Acquaintances, new, 75. 
 
 lady never forms, in public, 349. 
 married ladies, 83. 
 unmarried ladies, 83. 
 who never meet, 74. 
 
 Address, informal letters, 238. 
 in letters of friendship, 239. 
 married lady, 238. 
 royalty, nobility, etc., 241-45. 
 young unmarried lady, 238. 
 unmarried lady, not young, 238. 
 street and number on visit’g cards, 50 
 see also Letters, etc. 
 
 After-calls, see Calls, after. 
 
 Age, excuses lady from making calls, 67 
 precedence on account of, 41, 114 
 when not considered, in introduc- 
 tions, 33. 
 
 Aged persons, may form acquaint- 
 ances, 28. 
 
 should be remembered, 21, 41, 77, 90, 
 393 - • 
 
 receive first call, 90. 
 see also, Golden wedding, 293. 
 Air-bath, 223. 
 
 American manners, 9-10, 56. 
 
 “At Home,’’ 61-63, 153-160, 184, 276, 
 277, 278. 
 
 see also Matinees, receptions, etc. 
 Attitudes, 388. 
 
 Awkward, in deportment, 6, 56, 366, 385 
 
 Baldness, caused by wearing stiff 
 hats, 225. 
 
 Balls, 161-173. 
 arrival of guests, 164. 
 awning and carpet, 164. 
 ball-room, 163. 
 chaperons, 168. 
 
 accept invitations to dance, for 
 their charges, 166. 
 general rules for bail-room, 169-72. 
 gentlemen without partners, 165. 
 german, the, 164, 172. 
 invitations, 161-63, 173- 
 smoking-room, 164. 
 supper,. 166. 
 supper-room, 164. 
 toilets, 163-206. 
 
 waltzing and square dances, 164. 
 what constitutes a ball, i6f. 
 
 Bath, the, 221-23, 372, 377. 
 
 Beauty, based on harmony, 202. 
 of an old lady, 218-230. 
 woman’s duty to be beautiful, 201, 
 202, 218. 
 
 “ Best man,’’ see Groomsman. 
 
 Birthdays, celebration of, 300-301. 
 in Russia, 300. 
 
 Bonnets, 208, 217, 286. 
 bridesmaids, 272. 
 for church and street, 213. 
 mourning, 214. 
 worn at breakfast, 146. 
 at the theatre, 2ir, 212. 
 
 Books and reading, 367, 
 lists for young men, 370-72. 
 
 Bouquets, 120, 163, 272, 281, 286. 
 
 Boutonnieres, 113, 120, 281. 
 
 Bow, a, 39. 
 how to bow% 39. 
 when to, 39-44. 
 
 who should bow first, 39, 40, 351. 
 
 Breakfast, 138-41, 145-47. 
 costumes, 146. 
 departure of guests, 147. 
 family, 138-41. 
 invitations to a, 145. 
 seating guests, 146. 
 serving the, 147 
 
 Bride and bridegroom, see Etiquette of 
 Weddings, 264. 
 
 Call, duration of formal, 78. 
 hours when gentlemen may, 81. 
 inviting a gentleman to call, 83. 
 last call of young lady before mar- 
 riage, 59, 265. 
 
 Calls, after, 103, 120, 148, 158, 185. 
 among strangers, 74. 
 evening, 61. 
 
 how many of the same family may 
 call at one time, 76. 
 informal, 75. 
 in the country, 79. 
 lady accompanied by husband, 64. 
 morning, 61, 
 time for returning. 66. 
 upon the sons and daughters, 79. 
 where there are daughters, 64. 
 guests, 64, 82. 
 sons, 64. 
 
 Calls, first, 53-58, 70, 89, 90. 
 at country estates, 56. 
 at watering places, 56, 57. 
 by oldest resident, 55. 
 
432 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 by the elder lady, 56. j 
 
 by the younger lady, 56. 
 in America, 53. 
 in England, 53, 56, 
 in France, 53. 
 
 returned in foreign countries, 57, 
 should be returned in three days, 58. 
 Calls, for gentlemen, 80-88. 
 first call not made without an invi- 
 tation, 83. 
 
 gentlemen make formal calls, twice 
 a year, 87. 
 
 hours when gentlemen may make, 81 
 in person, 82. 
 
 miscellaneous rules, 84-88. 
 on strangers, 88. 
 upon young lady guest, 86. 
 young men call upon the mother or 
 chaperon, 79. 
 
 see also New Year’s calls, 91-96. 
 Cards, see Visiting Cards. 
 
 Caudle parties, 295. 
 
 see also Christenings. 
 
 Chaperonage, a necessity in Europe, 
 
 175-76. 
 
 an innovation in western towns, 174. 
 not an indication of distrust of young 
 men and women, 179. 
 
 Chaperon, duties of a, 180-81. 
 woman who works can dispense with 
 a, 181. 
 
 Chaperons, 30, 79, 80, 166, 168,174-81,345 
 Character, 15, 24, 198, 200, 202, 365, 368, 
 383. 
 
 Chewing gum, 359, 403. 
 
 Children, education of, 19-23. 
 etiquette for, 24. 
 influence of example upon, 16. 
 mother should first read their books, 
 371 . 
 
 should breakfast and lunch with 
 parents, 142. 
 
 what they should be taught, 16. 
 when to begin education, 14, 19. 
 who molds the character of, 15. 
 Chivalry, age of, 13. 
 
 Christenings, 295-300. 
 ceremony, the, 299. 
 godparent and godchild, 298. 
 invitations, 297. 
 naming the child, 296-97. 
 toilet of guests, 299. 
 
 Christmas, 95. 
 
 Church, behavior at, 406. 
 
 Cities, centres of civilization, 7, 366. 
 Cold Cream, 230. 
 
 Complexion, 226-27. 
 
 Conversation, the, of society, 186-99, 
 application of knowledge in, 188. 
 equality of guests, 195. 
 familiarity, 190. 
 hobbies, 196. 
 
 knowledge necessary, 188. 
 listening, 191. 
 of young women, 360-62. 
 purity of speech, 197, 393. 
 should be general, 77. 
 subjects of, 194. 
 sympathy the soul of, 190. 
 tact in, 192. 
 
 truthfulness in general, 193. 
 voice and manner, 187, 
 wit, when dangerous, 189. 
 
 Cosmetics and paints, 204. 
 
 Costumes, gentlemen’s, 119, 146, 148, 
 154, 160, 163, 205, 206, 207, 210-13, 
 270, 272. 
 
 ladies’, 77, 93, 119-20, 146, 148, 154, 
 160, 163, 204, 206, 207, 2£0-i3, 271, 
 272, .99- 
 
 Culture, 8. 
 
 Custom, defined, 6, 410. 
 every, has a reason for being, 9. 
 
 Customs, reason for existing, 52. 
 should be made a study, 53. 
 society should have fixed, ii. 
 
 Debuts in society, 162, 182-S5. 
 invitations, 183. 
 
 Defects, never ridicule personal. 260. 
 
 Dinner, 107-28. 
 
 advice to guests, 125-6. 
 
 to host and hostess, 123-24. 
 after calls, 120. 
 after dinner, 118, 119. 
 a la Russe, 115. 
 
 bouquets and bottton 7 i/eres, 120. 
 butler and footmen, 116. 
 courses, 116. 
 family dinner, 142. 
 fingers, what may be eaten with, 127, 
 128. 
 
 floral decorations and favors, 119. 
 forms of invitation, no. 
 full dress, 119. 
 gloves and napkin, 116. 
 gloves must be removed, 115. 
 guests, distribution of, 112. 
 duty of, 115. 
 presentation of, 1 13-14. 
 seating at table, 114. 
 knife and fork, 126. 
 number of guests to invite, 108. 
 order of precedence, 114. 
 punctuality essential, 112. 
 return to drawing-room, 1 18. 
 rising from table, 118. 
 school of manners, 144. 
 some general rules, 121-28. 
 spoon, the, 127. 
 taking leave, 119. 
 the thirteen superstition, 109. 
 time for arrival, 112. 
 
 for sending invitations, no. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 433 
 
 usual hour for, 112. 
 whom to invite, 107. 
 
 Don’t, 346, 355» 3QO-93- 
 Dress and personal habits, 372. 
 
 Dress, 200-217. 
 a fine art, 200. 
 
 appropriateness as to age, etc., 215. 
 costume for afternoon reception, 207. 
 archery, croquet, etc., 209. 
 ball, 206. 
 
 bride and bridesmaids, 207, 271, i 
 272. I 
 
 bridegroom, 272. | 
 
 carriage, 208. 
 church, 213. 
 dinner, 119-20, 207. 
 driving, 206, 208, 
 mourning, 214. 
 readings, etc., 213. 
 receiving days, 77. 
 riding, 214. 
 
 ushers at a wedding, 272. 
 visiting, 77, 209. 
 walking, 208. 
 yachting, 209. 
 economy in dress, 215-17. 
 evening or full dress for gentlemen, 
 205, 374- 1 
 
 for ladies, 204. 
 
 expresses character, 200, 202. ; 
 
 extravagance of servant girls, 203. ; 
 
 of married women, 203. 
 likened to architecture, 201. ! 
 
 morning dress for gentlemen, 205 | 
 
 373. ; 
 
 opera and theatre, 210-13. 
 reasons for rapid changes in fashion, 
 203. 
 
 what it is to be well dressed, 202. 
 servants’ dress see servants — their 
 dress, etc., 311-28. 
 
 for dress for gentlemen, see also 372- 
 78. 
 
 Dressing gown and slippers, 377. 
 
 Entrance into society, of a young 1 
 man, 65. 
 
 of a young woman, 162, 182-85. 
 Etiquette, defined, 7. 
 the rules of social pleasure, 52. 
 
 Familiarity, 257, 259. 
 in conversation, 190. 
 should not be allowed, 144, 346 381. 
 Family and home, 12-26. 
 
 Fashion, 8, 10. 
 in cards, 45, 53. 
 dress, 200-217. 
 
 Favors, 119, 172. 
 
 Flowers, 63, iig, 150, 163, 184. 271, 272, 
 275, 299. 
 
 at funerals, 331-32. 
 
 orange, 279. 
 
 strewing at weddings, 284. 
 Finger-bowls, 118, 140. 
 
 Fingers, what maybe eaten with, 127, 
 128, 
 
 Freckles, 226-7. 
 
 Funeral ceremonies, 329-333. 
 coffin, the, 330. 
 floral tributes, 331-32. 
 details of ceremonies, by whom ar- 
 ranged, 329. 
 
 notice of death, how conveyed, 329. 
 pall-bearers, 330, 
 position of the body, 331. 
 services, 330. 
 
 Gentlemen, consideration for, 353. 
 Gentlemen, business, correspondence, 
 etc, 409. 
 
 carriage, entering and alighting 
 from, 409. 
 in public, 400-8. 
 keep to the left of lady, 41. 
 offer right arm to a lady, 165. 270, 
 
 274. 352. 
 
 open conversation when introduced 
 to lady, 42. 
 
 open door for a strange lady, 44, 407. 
 pick up fan, etc., 43. 
 raise the hat, 39, 43, 44. 
 uncover the head, 43, 44. 
 wear gloves, see gloves, gentlemen, 
 when calling leave overcoat, over- 
 shoes and umbrella in the hall, 43, 
 87, 94, 386. 
 
 take hat, cane and gloves into the 
 parlor, 43, 87, 94, 385-6. 
 
 German, the, see under Balls. 
 
 Gifts, 288, 345. 
 
 Glove, removing the right hand, 9. 
 Gloves and napkin at dinner, 115, 116. 
 Gloves, 160. 
 
 gentlemen wear, 43, 94, 120, 146, 160. 
 
 169. 205, 206, 21 1, 272, 376. 
 ladies wear, 93, 146, 160, 169, 206, 
 208, 212, 217. 
 
 , servants wear, 116, 314, 315. 
 i Godparents, 298. 
 i Good breeding, 7, 15. 
 
 1 poverty no bar to, 18. 
 requisites of, 15. 
 same everywhere, 47. 
 j Good manners, 6-11. i^See each chap- 
 1 ter.) 
 
 ! Groomsman, 268, 269, 
 
 ' Groomsmen, 268. 
 
 j Guests, at balls and parties, 164-66, 
 
 I 169-72. 
 
 j. at dinner, 107-09, 112-115, 125-28. 
 j prolonged visits, 309-310. 
 
 receptions, 155-158, 160. 
 i weddings, 274. 
 
434 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Hands, shaking, 31, 42, 43, 78, 351, 386. 
 Hat, 354, 378. 
 
 raising the, 39, 43, 44, 351. 
 
 Health and beauty, 202, 229-30. 
 Heredity, 14. 
 
 Hobbies, 196. 
 
 Home, the, and the family, 12-26. 
 
 should be attractive, 17, 22. 
 Hospitality, true, 91, 121. 
 
 Host and hostess, 36, 113-14, 118-19, 
 123, 146, 156, 159, 192, 306-309. 
 House, not always home, 17. 
 
 How to walk, 378. 
 
 In the drawing-room, 383. 
 
 Introducing, gentlemen, 30, 43. 
 to each other, 31. 
 shy people, 36. 
 
 Introductions, 27-38. 
 a formal necessity in N. Y. 53. 
 at a dinner party, 32. 
 large gathering in the country, 32. 
 large reception, 157, 158. 
 private ball, 28. 
 ball-room, what they mean, 31. 
 by cards, 54. 
 by letter, 37-8, 83, 84, 86. 
 
 of gentleman to a young lady, 84. 
 casual, 32. 
 defined, 27. 
 formal, 89. 
 
 when not necessary, 28. 
 forms, 33. 
 
 host and hostess should be familiar 
 with accepted formalities, 36. 
 indiscriminate, 27. 
 letters of, 37-8, 249. 
 miscellaneous, 36. 
 obligatory, 35. 
 official, 35. 
 of residents, 29, 78. 
 order and forms, 33-35. 
 precedence in, 36. 
 roof introductions, 28, 29, 78. 
 watering place, 32. 
 what is an introduction? 27 
 Intruding on privacy, 381. 
 
 Invitations, 97-106. 
 acceptances, 97-99, 105. 
 cards, how many to one family, 100.. 
 first, should always be accepted, 98. 
 for a formal dinner, no, in. 
 formal, in the third person, 97. 
 
 time for sending, loi. ' 
 forms of, iOi-6, no-12, 
 general, mean nothing, 86. 
 gentlemen should not expect, 86. 
 may be written or engrav.ed, 97, 103. 
 obsolete words in, 98. 
 regrets, 99, 100, 105. 
 r. s. v. p., 99, 100. 
 
 should be promptly accepted or de- 
 clined, 85. 
 
 single card to a family, when per- 
 missible, lOI. 
 
 solecisms and barbarisms in, 97. 
 sons and daughters should have 
 separate, 100. 
 to a ball, 161-63. 
 afternoon receptions, 154-55. 
 breakfast, 145. 
 
 ceremony introducing young lady 
 to society, 183-84. 
 
 dinner, the highest social compli- 
 ment, 107. 
 
 formal entertainments, 102. 
 friends in mourning, 102. 
 luncheon, 147. 
 party, 173. 
 
 sons and daughters, 74. 
 whom shall the answer be ad- 
 dressed? lOI. 
 
 when, should be answered, 99, 100. 
 who send, loi. 
 
 written upon visiting cards, 99, 100. 
 
 Jewelry, 163, 205. 
 for gentleman, 376. 
 to clean, 230. 
 
 Kaffe Klatch, 154. 
 
 Kettledrum, 153. 
 
 Knife and fork, 126, 127, 132, 133, 143. 
 
 Labor, see Work. 
 
 Ladies speak first, 84. 
 
 Laughing, 380. 
 
 Laws, of social life, 47, 48. 
 
 unwritten, 6. 
 
 Leave-taking, 119, 158. 
 
 Letters, and Letter-Writing, 246-54,411- 
 18. 
 
 address of 247, 249. 
 of formal, 238. 
 of friendship, 239. 
 answer promptly, 251. 
 application, 415-18. 
 body of a letter, 247. 
 business, 246, 248. 
 delivered by a friend, 250. 
 expression, 252. 
 ink, use black, 253. 
 lines, ruled, 254. 
 notes. 246. 
 
 of introduction, 249. 
 
 paper, style of, 252. 
 
 parts of a letter, 247, 
 
 postal cards, 247, 253, 411, 413. 
 
 postscripts, 254. 
 
 sealing-wax, 253. 
 
 subscription, 239, 240, 247, 248. 
 
 superscription, 247, 248. 
 
 write every letter carefully, 251,/ 
 
INDEX. 
 
 435 
 
 writing to servants, 254. 
 
 Luncheon, 141, 147. 
 costumes, 146. 
 invitations, 147. 
 progressive, i.^S-49. 
 
 Manners, American, 9, 56, 366, 409. 
 book of, should be studied by young 
 persons, 46, 367, 368, 370. 
 political importance of good, 10. 
 
 Marriage, 255-63. 
 
 Married name, 285, 
 
 Matinees, at home, etc., 153-160. 
 
 Maxims, Washington’s 422-28. 
 
 Miscellaneous rules of behavior, 350, 
 419-21. 
 
 Miss, Mr. and Mrs. 237, 238. 
 
 Mohammed, quoted, 22. 
 
 Moods, 388. 
 
 Mourning calls, 61. 
 
 Mourning, 266, 333-37- 
 children wear, 335. 
 complimentary, 214, 337. 
 costumes for gentlemen, 335. 
 for brothers and sisters, 335. 
 for father, mother and children, 334. 
 
 grand-parents, 335. 
 invitation to friends in, 102. 
 seclusion of the family, 336. 
 re-entering society, 337. 
 widow wears, 334. 
 
 Names, 296. 
 
 Napkins, the, 116, 118, 128, 132, 135, 
 136, 140, 143, 149. 
 
 New Year’s calls, 91-96. 
 cards, 93. 
 costumes, 93. 
 duration of, 94. 
 hours for calling, 92. 
 in New York, 94. 
 not at home, 91. 
 upon the President, 94. 
 
 New York City sets the fashions in 
 etiquette, 10. 
 
 Not at home, 92. 
 
 Odors, 204. 
 
 Opera and theatre, 210-13, 404. 
 
 Overcoats, overshoes and umbrellas, 
 
 43, 87, 94, 386. 
 
 Parties, 172-73. 
 see Balls and parties, 161. 
 
 Partners, 165. 
 
 Perfumes, 204. 
 
 P. P. C.; see Visiting cards, 55, 59. 
 
 Precedence, at breakfast, 146. 
 at dinner, 108, 114. 
 in England, 232. 
 introductions, 33, 36. 
 
 Washington, 339-43- 
 
 of military officers, 236. 
 
 naval officers, 237. 
 to daughters of hostess, 167. 
 
 Presentation at foreign courts, 38. 
 of guests at dinner, 114. 
 
 President of the United States, ad- 
 dressed, 233, 234, 235, 339. 
 presentations to, 38, 339-40. 
 receptions of, 38, 94, 339-40. 
 
 Presents, wedding, 280. 
 
 Quietness of well-bred people, 346, 
 380. 
 
 Reception, afternoon, 153-60. 
 arrival of guests, 155. 
 cards at, 65. 
 dancing. 157. 
 
 day, weekly, 63, 69, 70, 76, 90. 
 entrance of guests, 156. 
 invitations, 154. 
 leave-taking, 158. 
 length of time to remain, 156. 
 no, day, 72. 
 
 other entertainments at, 157. 
 refreshments, 156. 
 toilet, 77. 
 
 Receiving visitors, 77. 
 
 Regrets, in third person, 97. 
 send, 98, 99, 100, 158. 
 
 Relatives, introducing, 35. 
 
 Ring, the, 273. 
 
 Rosewater, 230. 
 
 Royalty, see Titles, etc. 
 
 Russian dinner — diner a la Russe, 115. 
 
 Salutations, 39-44. 
 test of good breeding, 39, 41. 
 the bow, 39, 40. 
 see also Bow, a. 
 
 School-room, etiquette of the, 302-305. 
 
 Seat of honor, at dinner, 114, 353. 
 in a carriage, 353. 
 
 Servants, 311-28. 
 appropriate dress, 312. 
 butler, his dress, 315. 
 
 duties, 317, 319. 
 coachman, dress, 314. 
 cook, dress, 326. 
 
 duties, 326, 
 cook’s assistant, 321. 
 dining-room and parlor maid, dress, 
 315- 
 
 duties, 326, 327. 
 footmen, 315. 
 first footman, 319. 
 second footman, 322. 
 gloves, 314, 315. 
 head nurse, dress, 315. 
 duties, 315. 
 
 house-keeper, dress, 316. 
 duties, 316, 317. 
 
436 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 working, 317. 
 kitchen servants, 316. 
 lady’s maid, 319. 
 liveries, 3i3> 3i4> 315- 
 nursery governess, dress, 315. 
 
 duties, 320, 321. 
 nursery maid, 321. 
 valet, 318. 
 waiter, 326, 327. 
 
 Selfish young men, 31, 
 
 Signatures, 239-40. 248. 
 
 Singing, 363. 
 
 Slang, 199, 304. 
 
 Smoking, 378, 403. 
 
 Society, foundation of, 12. 
 
 Soiree, 159-60. 
 costume at. 160. 
 
 Speech, purity of. 197-99, 360, 393. 
 
 Sponsors, 297, 298, 299. 
 
 Spoon, the, 127, 134, 143. 
 
 Stairs, up and down, 349, 408. 
 
 Step, keeping, 349, 407, 
 
 Stranger, calling on, 88. 
 invitations to, 163. 
 
 Street cars, 350. 
 
 Street, etiquette of the, 347-48. 
 
 Superiors and inferiors, 381. 
 
 Supper, 150-52. 
 bachelors’, 150-51. 
 for balls and parties, 152. 
 
 Sympathy, expressions of, 60. 
 flowers as emblems of, 60. 
 
 Table, at, 129-44, 408. 
 
 manners, 129, 144. 
 
 see also Dinners, family dinners, 
 knife and fork, luncheon, napkins, 
 spoons, etc. 
 
 Talking, 389. 
 
 Tea, 154. 
 
 Teeth, 223. 
 
 Theater, see Opera and theater. 
 
 Titles, 231-45. 
 
 American, 233-35. 
 
 gentlemen use military, naval and 
 professional, on visiting cards, 49, 
 50- 
 
 knights, 244. 
 
 lady may prefix, to her name on 
 visiting card, 49. 
 military, 236. 
 naval, 237. 
 
 of courtesy, 231, 232, 242-43. 
 dignity, 231, 232, 242. 
 honor, 231. 
 possession, 231, 
 relationship, 231. 
 religion, 231, 233. 236, 244, 245. 
 
 Tobacco, 359, 378. 
 
 Toilet, the, 218-30, 372. 
 bath, the, 221-23, 372, 377. 
 complexion, 226-28. 
 
 dressing-room, for gentleman, 220. 
 for lady, 219. 
 
 eye-brows and lashes, 225. 
 freckles, cause and removal, 226-7. 
 hair, the, 224, 377. 
 
 moles, should be treated by a sur- 
 geon, 226. 
 nails, 377. 
 teeth, the, 223. 
 skin, the, 225. 
 wrinkles to, remove, 228. 
 
 Toothpicks, 378. 
 
 Traveling, 408. 
 
 Umbrella, see Overcoat, etc. 
 
 Uneasiness, 380. 
 
 Uncovering the head, 43, 44. 
 
 Visiting and visiting-cards, 45-88. 
 
 Visiting-card, the, what it should be 
 and what it conveys, 45, 48. 
 
 Visiting-cards, address in lower left 
 corner, 50. 
 
 after an engagement of marriage is 
 announced, 68. 
 
 as an expression of sympathy, 60. 
 at receptions, 65. 
 card for a call, 75. 
 
 leaving, 68. 
 convenience cards, 50. 
 equivalent to a visit, 103. 
 etiquette of, the same everywhere, 
 53- 
 
 folding or turning down the ends, 
 72, 83. 
 
 i for the guest, 73. 
 
 : for the hostess, 73. 
 
 hours for leaving cards, 61. 
 husband’s cards, when may be left, 
 49- 
 
 introduction by, 54. 
 lady must leave, upon changing her 
 residence, 59. 
 leaves, for ladies only, 86. 
 leaving a sons card, 65. 
 mo’ther and daughter, names on 
 same card, 50, 
 mourning, 102. 
 of condolence, 60, 67, 71, 86. 
 gentlemens’, brought by ladies of 
 the family, 73. 
 
 young lady about to be married, 59, 
 one lady may leave, for the’ familv, 
 66 . 
 
 post may be used, when, 54, 7;. 
 
 P- P- c., 55 , 59- 
 
 same in style as a hundred years 
 ago, 53. 
 
 strangers in town should send, 70, 
 style of, 49. 
 to inquire. 70. 
 
 i what cards mean, 48. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 437 
 
 when cards should be left, 68. 
 lady is driving, 6i, 
 is walking, 63. 
 left in person, 67-8, 102. 
 widow has no card, the first year, 50. 
 writing on, 67. 
 
 Visiting-Cards for gentlemen, 80-88. 
 after an entertainment, 82. 
 for whom he should leave, 62, 83. 
 how many he should leave,^83. 
 leaves for husband and wife, 62. 
 of condolence, 86. 
 sending to strangers, 89. 
 
 Visiting lists, 59, 72. 
 toilet, 77. 
 
 Visiting, miscellaneous rules for, 84-88. 
 
 Visits, prolonged, 306-310. 
 uests, 309. 
 
 ost and hostess, 306. 
 in England, 306. 
 
 Washington, social life in, 339-43. 
 
 Washington’s maxims, 422-28. 
 
 Wealth, not necessary to refinement, 
 18, 23, 24. 
 
 Wedding anniversaries, 288-94. 
 fanciful names for, 289. 
 golden, 293. 
 silver, 291. 
 
 Weddings, etiquette of, 264-87. 
 announcement, 277. 
 
 “at home,” 276, 277, 278. 
 at the home of the bride, 275. 
 best man, 268. 
 
 his duties, 269. 
 bride, carries bouquet, 272, 
 coming of the, 271. 
 
 costume, 271, 277. 
 takes right arm of groom, 283. 
 bridegroom, costume of, 272. 
 
 pays for, what the, 286. 
 bridsmaids, costume of, 272. 
 costumes, 271-72. 
 
 in England and France, 285. 
 engagement, 264. 
 fees, marriage, 286. 
 fixing the wedding day, 286. 
 flowers, 284. 
 
 friends in mourning, 266. 
 gifts, of the bride, 281. 
 
 of the groom, 281. 
 invitations, 267, 268, 277-78. 
 journey, starting upon the, 275, 
 man and wife, 274. 
 married name. 285. 
 master of ceremonies, 269. 
 order of entering the church, 281. 
 presents, 280. 
 
 receptions, 274, 276, 277, 278. 
 rehearsal, 268, 283. 
 ring, 273, 280. 
 
 ushers, 270, 274, 575, 281, 283, 284. 
 weddings, at home, 275. 
 quiet, 276. 
 
 widow, marriage ceremony of, 279. 
 Whistling, 20, 382. 
 
 Wine-drinking, 382. 
 
 Work, 355-58. 
 
 Women, a nation’s treatment of, 13. 
 Wrinkles, to remove, 228. 
 
 Young men, advice to, 365-428. 
 
 Young women, hints for, 344-64,