MATRIMONY 
 
 BEFORE AND AFTER 
 
 A Descriptive Monologue 
 
 BOB O’LINK 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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 DICK & FITZGERALD 
 
 
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MATRIMONY 
 
 Before and After 
 
 a Descriptive /iDonolofiue 
 
 By 
 
 BOB CyLINK 
 
 Copyright, 1907, by Dick & Fitzgerald 
 
 FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION. 
 
 SUCCESSOR TO 
 
 Dick & Fitzgera;^ 
 
 Vesey St, 
 
 New York 
 
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MATRIMONY 
 
 Accessories. — A desk or table, with a large book open upon it. 
 Ladies and Gentlemen: 
 
 The subject of this evening’s discourse is Matrimony, con- 
 sidered under its separate divisions of Love, Courtship and Mar- 
 riage, the three steps by which lunatics and others are led like 
 lambs to the slaughter; and as I know very little about the sub- 
 ject, I have been requested, as the likeliest man to make an ass 
 of myself, to try — as most folk do — to impart to you knowledge 
 which I never possessed myself. You know the sort of knowl- 
 edge I mean — that which your neighbor slings at you with regard 
 to your own business, which he is sure to know ten times better 
 than you do yourself. 
 
 However, seeing that I am so ignorant in this matter, I have 
 consulted a lot of silly authorities, and have collected a whole 
 host of tommy rot with which I propose to electrify you for 
 the next five hours, more or less. 
 
 Don’t be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen, keep your seats, rest 
 assured refreshments will be handed round in due course, and 
 you are in no immediate danger of the lunatic asylum if you 
 only hang on to your seats while I see what the authorities say. 
 {Opens large hook and commences reading.) 
 
 Ah, here you are. Shakespeare says, “Man has seven ages.” 
 
 Now, that’s all very well for us men, but nobody ever knows 
 how many ages a woman has, because she never tells the truth 
 about that matter. {Speaker ducks his head, with arms posed 
 to ward off an imaginary brick or over-ripe egg. Then regains 
 position and continues.) It’s a fact. I knew a man and woman 
 who were twins. He was forty years old, and when I asked 
 him how old they were he said, “When we were kids, we were 
 the same age; now, sister is five years younger.” 
 
 That is a digression; I will resume, and it brings me to the 
 first division of my erratic speech devoted to 
 
 0. OF tLL LIB. 
 
4 
 
 Matrimony 
 
 LOVE 
 
 A celebrated author says, '‘It is a blood-red flower of the 
 color of sin, but there is always the scent of a god about it.’V 
 
 Now, I don’t believe in any such sickly sentimental nonsense. 
 As a matter of fact, ifs a tickling at the heart that you can't 
 scratch, {Refer to book again.) 
 
 Another authority says, “Love on the woman’s part is the 
 great moving force of nature, the bond and cement of society, • 
 the spirit and spring of the universe; it is the whole nature 
 wrapped into one desire.” 
 
 That sounds well, but what about man? On his part it is an 
 insane desire to pay for some young woman's hoard and outfit, 
 winter and summer, zvith Easter hats thrown in. {Refer to 
 hook.) 
 
 Another authority says, “The course of true love never runs 
 smooth.” Well, that was just my experience untiL my girl’s 
 father became troubled with the gout in his feet, and, of course, 
 that altered matters. 
 
 Let us take the maiden. Of course, we won’t take her very 
 far, for fear of accidents. We will suppose she is a blushing 
 maiden of seventeen. Of course this is only supposition, because 
 some maidens buy their blushes at the druggists. 
 
 I repeat, take the blushing maid of seventeen when she’s in 
 love, and see how she studies economy. For instance, when 
 she’s seated in the parlor with her young man she generally 
 regulates the gas burner so as to save pa’s gas bills. 
 
 Ah, my friends, when people are in love they do all sorts of 
 silly things. Now, when I was in love, I stood one evening 
 gazing lovingly, longingly in a pie bakery window. The pro- 
 prietor came out and asked me to move on, and when I asked 
 him why, he said, “Because your face worries my pies.” 
 
 Of course I was very much annoyed and asked him what was 
 the matter with my face, and he said, “Look here, old chap, 
 here’s two dollars for you, go and buy a pistol and shoot the 
 first man you meet whose face is uglier than yours. 
 
 Now, I took that as a great insult, but 1 also took the two 
 dollars, and bought a pistol, and the other day I met a young 
 fellow coming along, and I said to him, “Jake, your time has 
 come.” He said, “Why what have I done amiss?” I said, “Never 
 
 mind, I have a mission to fulfill on this earth, and that is to 
 shoot the first man I come across whose face is uglier than 
 
 mine. ” He said, “Is mine uglier than yours?” I said, “It is.” 
 Then he replied, ''For heaven's sake shoot me." 
 
Matrimony 5 
 
 Going back, my dear friends, to the subject from which I 
 have wandered like a silly cuckoo, I come to the second division 
 of this nonsensical oration : — 
 
 COURTSHIP 
 
 Courtship, I can assure you, is the first intoxication of love, 
 and marriage is delirium tremens. 
 
 Ah, when you’re courting you come across all sorts of critters. 
 For instance, there’s the old maid, the young maid, and married 
 men’s wives. 
 
 Old maids, of course, as a rule, are unmarried. 
 
 Do you know, I never sneer at old maids myself. I simply 
 dote upon them, because my mother was one — {pause) before 
 she got married. 
 
 Then again, when you are courting you have a lovely time. 
 That is, if you are solid with the bull-dog, and keep out of the 
 way of your prospective father-in-law’s feet. 
 
 When you’re courting, never judge a woman’s mind by the 
 time it takes her to make it up. It’s a great mistake. 
 
 Now, I knew a girl who was courting and who was asked 
 if she knew what matrimony meant. Fancy asking a girl a ques- 
 tion like that ! This girl’s mind was evidently wandering — I 
 think she was troubled with religious mania, for according to 
 the authority here {refer to hook) her reply was, ‘‘Yes, sir. It 
 is a state of probation in which men are placed for a time to fit 
 them for a better life.” It was not quite the answer expected, 
 but there may be some truth in it. 
 
 Some girls are cautious about the man who wants to marry 
 her — properly so, I think, considering — {Business of ducking 
 head, etc.). Others, on the contrary, consider it a lottery and 
 jump at the first chance. You know those telephones with a small 
 megaphone attachment? Well, I heard a conversation once— 
 ting a ling a ling, “Is that you, Julia Miggs?” “I reckon it is.” 
 “Could you love me?” “I reckon I could.” '‘Do you love me?” 
 “I reckon I do.” “Could you marry me?” “I reckon I could.” 
 “Will you marry me?” “I reckon I will, who is it talking to 
 me?” Strange, I waited — no answer — I guess he thought she 
 was too easy. Maybe he fancied if he took her, as the saying 
 goes, for better or worse, she might be better, but she couldn't 
 be worse. {Refers to hook.) 
 
 Ah ! Those love letters ! Oh ! the gush and mush and silly- 
 billy bosh in them ! I knew a girl whose lover used to make 
 crosses on the paper where he had kissed it. At last there 
 
6 Matrimony 
 
 wasn’t room for all of them, so he sent her st check for one hun- 
 dred kisses. She couldn’t wait to write to him, she rang him up 
 and said, got the check, it was just lovely, and I ran to your 
 friend Jack, across the street, and he cashed it right away.” 
 
 When I was courting my girl, she used to sing beautifully. 
 One song in particular was ‘'O would I were a bird !” and I often 
 wished she were, with the window open. 
 
 By-the-by, I have not told you how I became engaged. You 
 see, I was walking down the street one rainy afternoon, when 
 I saw a young lady going along without an umbrella, and I just 
 stepped up and offered her mine, so, you see, I was caught in the 
 rain. 
 
 Women, you know, when they’re courting, do all sorts of 
 strange things. Have you ever noticed the funny idea they have 
 of wearing their watches in their gloves and on their wrists? 
 Still, there’s nothing new under the sun, after all, for I’ve known 
 them wear clocks on their stockings for years. 
 
 My girl, you see, had a very dark head of hair, and she wanted 
 to change the color, as many girls do. So she said to me, 
 “Charlie, is it true that champagne will bleach people’s hair?” 
 “Well,” I answered, “rather — why I’ve seen lots of people made 
 absolutely light-headed by it.” 
 
 And now, my dear friends, we arrive at that blissful stage 
 which all young folks hanker after, and not a few of the old 
 ones, namely: — 
 
 MARRIAGE 
 
 Ah, my dear friends, marriage is a beautiful dream — {pause) — 
 and a terrible awakening. (Business, ducking, etc.) 
 
 I don’t mean always, but sometimes. Now, all who have 
 found it so^hold up your right hands. What? No one! Some 
 of you haven’t woke up yet. Well, it is a committee of two, 
 with power to add to their number. 
 
 Just before I got married I went to seek a suitable house. 
 What I wanted was a five-roomed house; a real-estate agent 
 sent me to look at one. I found it five-roomed, as he stated, 
 but it was in a dreadful state of dilapidation, shockingly out of 
 repair. So I went back to the agent, and I said, “Look here, 
 boss, that house is no good to me. I don’t want a six-roomed 
 house.” Then he argued the point with me, and said, “It is 
 not a six-roomed house.” I said, “It is. I know it is because 
 I have been all over it.” He said, “Let me see. There’s the 
 kitchen, that’s one room; the dining-room, that’s two; the par- 
 lor, that’s three; and two bedrooms, that’s five. Now, where’s 
 
Matrimony 7 
 
 the sixth room?'' '^Well," I said, “boss, you've forgotten the 
 room for improvement." 
 
 When I got married, my wife was simply delighted with the 
 number of wedding presents we received. I was not, because 
 nearly the whole of them came from people who were single, 
 and we've known about it ever since. 
 
 I had not been married long before I met a strange woman 
 in the street who glared at me savagely, and when I asked her 
 what she meant, she said, “O, I beg your pardon. I mistook 
 you for my husband." Nice, isn’t it? 
 
 Now, I believed in beginning as I intended to go on, so when 
 we got home after the honeysuckle, I said to my wife, “Mary 
 dear, let us have a clear understanding. Are you going to be 
 the President or the Vice-President?" And in her sweet and sim- 
 ple way she replied, “Neither, Charlie, I'm only the Treasurer” 
 
 After we had been married a short time, she asked me if the 
 dress she had on was a perfect fit. Well, I know it ought to 
 be, because I had a Ht when I paid for it. 
 
 A friend of mine came home one day and found his pretty 
 wife in tears. “What's the matter, darling?" said he. “The 
 dog ate up all the lovely cream pudding I made for your dinner," 
 said she. “Never mind," replied he, “dry up your tears, little 
 girl, I'll buy you another dog.” 
 
 When you're married you come across some charming neigh- 
 bors. Now, we have one next door, a real cute woman. She 
 can read her husband like a book — and shut him up as quickly. 
 
 My wife, the silly silly, has gone and paid a hundred dollars 
 for a new set of teeth, and when I told her her face wasn't 
 worth it, she hit me on the head with the frying-pan. Makes 
 you skeered of speaking the truth, doesn’t it? 
 
 Ah, my friends, there's no telling where man might have been 
 had it not been for a woman. To-day we might be peacefully 
 looking about in the Garden of Eden without a single debt, except 
 gratitude. Oh, figs ! 
 
 You see, when a man's been married twenty-five years, that's 
 his silver wedding; when he's been married fifty years, that’s 
 his golden wedding; but when his wife dies, that’s his jubilee. 
 
 Then, when you get married, you are sure to have a mother- 
 in-law. You must be very careful what you call her. I call mine 
 Ma, M-A, Ma. I’ve lots of other names for her, but I never 
 let her hear them. 
 
 My wife and I have been married twenty-five years, and we've 
 never had a row in our house yet. We always go into the back 
 yard — there's more room. 
 
 Ah, my friends, it's when the babies come that you enjoy mar- 
 
8 Matrimony 
 
 ried life. Only a short time ago our baby was sucking his toes, 
 and my wife said to me, “Charlie, I don’t like to see baby do 
 that.” “Why, my dear,” said I, “that’s simply lovely. Can’t 
 you see it’s a sure sign of thriftiness?” “How do you make 
 that out?” says she. “Why, my dear,” says I, “can’t you see 
 he’s trying to make both ends meet?'' 
 
 My wife is a very honest woman, but I am sorry to say she is 
 also very delicate. We never have the doctor off our doorstep. 
 Only last week he ordered her to go through my pockets — he 
 thought the change would do her good. 
 
 In a magazine I recently read an article, “How to Win a 
 Wife.” Now, if they will only print another article on “How 
 to Lose a Wife,” every married man in the house will buy a 
 copy. Won’t you? fellow-victims? (Business of ducking, etc.) 
 
 And yet I think every man ought to take a wife, or, if he has 
 a deep grudge against himself, let him take a widow, I did. I 
 told her I wanted to be the captain of her ship, so that we could 
 sail down life’s tossing sea together. She said I was too late 
 for her captain, but I could become her second mate. 
 
 Well ! We could go on all night about woman’s perfections, 
 and otherwise. After all said and not said, she is individually 
 and collectively the charm of our lives. 
 
 Woman ! woman ! The idol of our hearts. 
 
 (Declaiming) 
 
 “O Woman! In our hours of ease, 
 
 Uncertain, coy and hard to please!” 
 
 (Slyly) and the ruination of our trouser-pockets. (Ducking 
 business. ) 
 
 By the way, how about those refreshments I promised you? 
 What’s the matter with the caterer? I’ll have to look him up. 
 (Goes quickly to exit.) You needn’t wait. Ta, ta. [EXIT. 
 
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 Blackbridge’s Complete Poker- Player 60 
 
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 Dick’s Toasts, Speeches and Responses 40 
 
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 Mailed on receipt: of price plus 
 
 Postage of 3 cents on Books listed at 40 and 50 cents, and 6 cents 
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 j Complete Descriptive catalogue mailed free 
 
 FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 
 
 successor to 
 DICK & FITZGERALD 
 
 Vesey Street 
 
 New York 
 
NOTICE 
 
 Fraternal and Secret Societies 
 
 “INITIATION STUNTS’ 
 
 By Lieut. Beale Cormack 
 
 A collection of side degree stunts, initiations, yells, 
 cheers, toasts, etc. Also complete side degree works 
 which can be used as guides in forming other fraternal 
 societies. 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Part I 
 
 Fraternity Advantages 
 
 Names for Social Clubs and Fraternities 
 
 Slogans and Mottoes 
 
 Greek Letter Societies 
 
 Reason for Rough-House Initiation 
 
 Yells 
 
 Songs 
 
 Pledge Stunts 
 Fraternity Toast 
 
 Part II 
 
 Greek Letter Fraternities 
 Side Degree “Eta Phi Mu” 
 
 Oath 
 
 College Yells and Cheers 
 Miscellaneous Yells 
 Banquet Toasts 
 Hazing the Obstreperous 
 
 Cloth Binding. Price $1.00. Postage 5c. extra. 
 

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