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A SYMPATHETIC APPEAL TO THE JURY. 
 
LIBRARY 
 UNIVLRSiTV OF ILLINOIS 
 URBANA 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 A CHOICE COLLECTION 
 
 BT 
 
 MARSHALL BROWN. 
 
 '*Care to our coffin adds a nail, no doubt ; 
 And ev'ry grin so merry draws one out." 
 
 — Peter Pindar. 
 
 •True wit is Nature to advantage dressed — 
 What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed." 
 
 -Pope. 
 
 EIGHTEENTH EDITION. 
 
 CHICAGO: 
 S. C. GRIGGS AND COMPANY. 
 1883, 
 
Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1877, by 
 Marshall Brown and J. W. Kreps, 
 in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, 
 
 Copyright 1879, 
 S. C. GRIGGS AND COMPANV. 
 
 DONNELLEY, GASSETTE «fe LOYD, PRINTERS. 
 
TO THE 
 
 LEGAL PROFESSION OF THE UNITED STATES, 
 THIS VOLUMii IS SINCERELY INSCRIBED BY 
 
 The Author. 
 
 696312 
 
GENERAL CLASSIFICATION OF SUBJECTS. 
 
 
 ^ PAGE 
 
 Legal Profession, . . . - 
 
 17 
 
 Political, Congressional, and Legislative, - 
 
 . 87 
 
 Bulls and Blunders, 
 
 
 Irish Wit, ------ 
 
 . 122 I. 
 
 Ministers, and the Church, 
 
 148 
 
 Negro Humor, . . - - . 
 
 - 18%^ 
 
 Matrimony and Love, 
 
 : - 210 
 
 Dutch Humor, - . - . - 
 
 226 
 
 Medical Profession, 
 
 229 
 
 Army and JNavy, - - . - - 
 
 /CO I 
 
 Hotel and Boarding- House, 
 
 249 
 
 Business and Commercial, 
 
 - 257 
 
 Conundrums, 
 
 279 
 
 Yankee Cuteness, 
 
 - 282 
 
 Juvenile, . _ . . . 
 
 292 
 
 Intemperance, . - - _ . 
 
 804 
 
 Miscellaneous, - 
 
 318 
 
 note.— It has been found impossible to keep each 
 
 class of dialect humor 
 
 under its appropriate heading, and, therefore, some of it 
 
 will be found In other 
 
 parts of this volume. 
 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 This volume, although not originally intended for the 
 press, is presented to the public at the request of many 
 friends who have kindly assisted the author and urged 
 its publication. Knowing it has defects, the author hopes 
 his readers will treat it generously, and overlook the 
 chaff that lies scattered through the wheat. 
 
 The design of the work is peculiarly American in the 
 style of its humor ; and the object has been to select from 
 the broad fields of sparkling sunshine some of the choicest 
 gems in the English language. 
 
 Wit and Humor, like the rainbow in the sky, have their 
 lights and shadows, and burst out upon the mind as beau- 
 tiful images. They are the finger-boards of a happy and 
 advancing civilization : ever lifting human nature up to 
 the mirror of reflection ; ever pointing onward and upward 
 to the good and the beautiful. 
 
 Laughter, says a distinguished writer, is healthful to the 
 body, as gladness is to the mind ; and there is nothing 
 more beautiful than a smiling face when you know it is the 
 true index of the soul within. It is the genial outburst 
 that enlivens the social circle, when men, like true philoso- 
 
10 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 phers, forget their past cares and put off till to-morrow all 
 apprehensions regarding the future. Probably there is 
 not the remotest corner or little inlet of the minute blood 
 vessels that does not feel some wavelet produced by- 
 laughter. 
 
 A man may grow to weigh a ton, 
 Who feasts his mind with pungent fun; 
 But he who scorns its simple sway, 
 Oft yields to crime an easy prey. 
 
 Laughter, too, shows the sunny side of a man. It 
 blooms out in a ruddy glow his happier nature, and floods 
 a sea of pleasant sunshine upon his associates. 
 
 It has been said by some one, that Wit and Humor are 
 stupid and useless; but, happily for this world, such beings 
 are few and far between, and, like a needle in a mill-pond, 
 are not missed. Such beings are blunt to human nature 
 and to its many delightful illustrations that abound in the 
 mines of fun and pleasantry. To them we would inscribe 
 the poetical lines of Shakspere : 
 
 The man that hath no music in himself, 
 
 Nor is not moved by concord of sweet sounds, 
 
 Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils. 
 
 Let no such man be trusted. 
 
 Life is ever crowded with the burden of daily toil, toil, 
 toil, until the body and brain become weary and exhausted. 
 To the weary and careworn, home should be a reservoir 
 of pleasure. Happiness should reign supreme, and the 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 11 
 
 center-table and fireside be made a source of amusement, 
 laughter, and button-bursting, loving fun. The grand, 
 indeed the true, maxim of social life is : Be good, be 
 happy, be happy as you can. 
 
 This life is not all sunshine, 
 
 Nor is it yet all showers; 
 But storms and calms alternate, 
 
 As thorns among the flowers. 
 And while we seek the roses, 
 
 The thorns full oft we scan; 
 Still let us, though they wound us, 
 
 Be happy as we can. 
 
 Fun is the sunshine of society, and floods out its golden 
 sunbeams upon a million faces. It is an enemy to malice, 
 a foe to scandal, and a guardian angel to every virtue. 
 It fills the soul with happiness, softens the heart, and 
 quickens the intellect. 
 
 Wit, as originally defined, meant genius, and now de- 
 notes the power of seizing upon some thought or occur- 
 rence, and, by a sudden turn, presenting it under aspects 
 wholly new and unexpected — apparently natural and 
 admissible, if not perfectly just and bearing on the sub- 
 ject or the parties concerned, with a laughable keenness 
 and force. 
 
 " What I want," said a pompous orator, aiming at his 
 antagonist, "is good common sense." 
 
 " Exactly ! " was the whispered reply ; "that's just what 
 you need." 
 
 The pleasure we find in wit arises from the ingenuity 
 
12 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 of the turn, the sudden surprise it brings, and the patness 
 of its application to the case, in the new and ludicrous 
 relations thus flashed upon the view. 
 
 True wit is like a brilliant stone, 
 
 Dug from Golconda's mine; 
 Which boasts two various powers in one, 
 
 To cut as well as shine. 
 Genius, like that, if polished right. 
 
 With the same gifts abounds; 
 Appears at once both keen and bright, 
 
 And sparkles while it wounds. 
 
 Repartee is a species of wit, and its best definition is, a 
 good-natured return to some witty or sportive observation 
 of another, in which " diamond cuts diamond," without any 
 loss of good humor on either side. 
 
 The " Tin TrumpeV^ says : "Repartee is a smart rejoin- 
 der, which, when given impromptu^ even though it should 
 be so hard a hit as to merit the name of a knock-down 
 blow, will stand excused — partly from the ready wit it 
 implies, and partly from its always bearing the semblance 
 of self-defense. When time, however, has been taken to 
 concoct a retort, and an opportunity sought for launching 
 it, not only does it lose all the praise of extemporaneous 
 quickness, but it assumes the character of revenge, rather 
 than repartee. The best repartees are those which turn 
 your adversary's weapons against himself, as David killed 
 Goliath with his own sword." A good example of this kind 
 is the following : 
 
 Abernethy, the celebrated surgeon, finding a large pile 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 18 
 
 of paving stones opposite his door, swore violently at the 
 paver, and told him to remove them. 
 
 " Where will I take them to ? " asked Paddy. 
 
 " To Hell ! " cried the choleric surgeon. 
 
 Paddy leaned upon his rammer, and then, looking up in 
 his face, said, with a cunning smile : 
 
 " Hadn't I better take them to Heaven ? Sure, they'd 
 be more out of ^^ur honor's way." 
 
 Retort is a short, sharp, and pointed reply, turning 
 back on an assailant the censures or derisions he had 
 thrown out. It may be courteous, as for example : Two 
 of the guests at a public dinner having got into an alter- 
 cation, one of them, a blustering vulgarian, vociferated : 
 
 " Sir, you are no gentleman ! " 
 
 "Sir," said his opponent, in a calm voice, "you are no 
 judge." 
 
 It may be uncourteous or unkind : 
 
 "Ah, Dr. Johnson," exclaimed a Scotchman, "what 
 would you have said of Buchanan, had he been an En- 
 glishman ? " 
 
 " Said of him, sir ? Why, I would not have said of him, 
 had he been an Englishman, what I will now say of him as 
 a Scotchman, that he was the only man of genius his coun- 
 try ever produced." 
 
 While Wit and Humor are synonymous, each has its 
 own sphere in the world of fun. Wit, in its technical 
 sense, embraces repartee, retort, sarcasm, and irony. 
 Humor includes kindly wit, pleasantry, jocularity, light 
 
14 PREFACE. 
 
 fun, drollery, and many other species that are brilliant 
 and overflowing in their points and keen blades, j^-et light 
 and pleasant in their effects. 
 
 In conclusion, special acknowledgment is due the Press 
 of the country from whose pages most of the selections 
 have been taken. Many periodicals, biographies, maga- 
 zines, and humorous works have been consulted, and here 
 and there a few sparkling blades cut. * Some of them 
 appear in print for the first time. 
 
 With the sincere wish that this volume may be a vadd. 
 mecum to the old and young, the sad and gay, it is sub- 
 mitted to the reader. 
 
 Pittsburgh, January, 1879. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 HUMOR OF MR. PETIGRU. 
 
 The rio-id observance of Eno-lish rules in the South 
 Carolina courts, and a neglect of the same on the part 
 of Mr. Petigru gave rise to the following passage: 
 
 *'Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light 
 coat. You can't speak." 
 
 Petigru replied: "May it please the bench, I conform 
 strictly to the law. Let me illustrate : The law says that 
 the barrister shall wear a black gown and coat, and your 
 honor thinks that means a black coat?" 
 
 " Yes," said the judge. 
 
 " Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a cocked 
 hat and sword. Does your honor hold that the sword must 
 be cocked as well as the hat?" 
 
 He was permitted to go on. 
 
 SINGULAR VERDICTS: 
 
 Shiel, in his " Sketches of the Irish Bar," relates how a 
 Clare jury of old, in a case of felonious gallantry, acquitted 
 the prisoner of the capital charge, but found him guilty of 
 " a great undacencyP 
 
 This is nothing to the verdict of a Welsh jury: ''iVo^ 
 guilty — hut loe recommend him not to do it again!''^ 
 
 It is also related that an English jury, not very bright. 
 
18 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 having before them a prisoner charged with burglary, and 
 being unwilling to convict him capitally, and as no per- 
 sonal violence accompanied the robbery, gave the safe 
 verdict: " Guilty of getting out of the vnndoiv,^^ 
 
 But the most original was that of an Irish jury before 
 whom a prisoner pleaded "guilty," throwing himself on 
 the mercy of the Court. The verdict was " Not Guilty." 
 The judge^ in surprise, exclaimed : " Why, he has con- 
 fessed his crime!" The foreman responded: ''Oh, my 
 lord, you do not know that fellow, but tee do. He is the 
 most notorious liar in the whole county, and no twelve 
 men who know his character can believe a word he says." 
 So the prisoner escaped, as the jury adhered to their 
 verdict. 
 
 Of the verdicts in the United States we may mention 
 the following, but will not vouch for their actuality. How- 
 ever, they are funny, even if they should not be true : 
 
 A Rhode Island jury were five days debating on a hog 
 case involving seven dollars, and then came in, found the 
 hog not guilty, and recommended both plaintiff and defend- 
 ant to the mercy of the court. 
 
 A Pekin, 111., coroner's jury rendered a very singular 
 verdict that a man whose body was found in the river, came 
 to his death by a blow on the head, ^'lo/iich loas given either 
 before or cfter the drovmingP 
 
 And this rather doubtful one: 
 
 "Jury," said a western judge, "you kin go out and find 
 a verdict. If you can't find one of your own, get the one 
 the last jury used." The jury returned with a verdict of 
 " Suicide in the niyith degree^ 
 
 An Indiana jury recently returned a written verdict of 
 " Blode tu peces hi the hiler hiistinP 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 The substance of a verdict of a recent jury, on a man 
 who had died in a state of intoxication, was : " Death by 
 hanging — round a rum shop,^^ 
 
 HAD A GOOD MEMORY. 
 
 A story is told of a very eminent lawyer in New York 
 receiving a severe reprimand from a witness on the stand 
 whom he was trying to brow-beat. It was an important 
 issue, and. in order to save his cause from defeat, it was 
 necessary that Mr. A. should impeach the witness. He 
 endeavored to do it on the ground of age. The following 
 dialogue ensued: 
 
 Lawyer. " How old are you? " 
 
 Witness. " Seventy-two years." 
 
 Lawyer. "Your memory, of course, is not so brilliant 
 and vivid as it was twenty years ago, is it?" 
 
 Witness. " I do not know but it is." 
 
 Lawyer. "State some circumstance which occurred, 
 say, twelve years ago, and we shall be able to see how well 
 you can remember." 
 
 Witness. " I appeal to your honor if I am to be inter- 
 rogated in this manner ; it is insolent." 
 
 Judge. " You had better answer the question." 
 
 Lawyer. " Yes, sir; state it! 
 
 Witness. " Well, sir, if you compel me to do it, I will. 
 About twelve years ago you studied in Judge B.'s office 
 did you not?" ' 
 
 Lawyer. " Yes." 
 _ Witness. "Well, sir, I remember your father coming 
 into my office and saying to me, 'Mr. D., my son is to be 
 examined to-morrow, and I wish you would lend me fifteen 
 
20 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 dollars to buy him a new suit of clothes.' I remember, 
 also, from that day to this he has not paid me that sum. 
 That, sir, I remember as though it was but yesterday." 
 
 CHARGE TO THE GRAND JURY. 
 
 The judge was dwelling upon the offenses in the penal 
 code to which the attention of the jury would be directed, 
 and after touching on the crime of perjury, he proceeded 
 in the next place to say : 
 
 "Then, gentlemen, thar's subornation of perjury, which 
 is likewise forbid by law, and which 1 reckon is one of the 
 meanest crimes that men get to do fur money. It's when 
 a feller is too smart or too scary to swar to a lie hisself, 
 and so gits another man to do it fur him, and one of yer 
 mean, dirty, snivelin', little-minded fellers! Why, a whole 
 regiment of sich souls could hold a jubilee in the middle 
 of a mustard seed, and never hear of one another!" 
 
 SCENES IN THE NATURALIZATION COURTS. 
 
 The scenes witnessed in our courts just prior to the 
 annual elections, when the rush to obtain the rights of 
 citizenship is at its height, are often ludicrous. In the 
 Common Pleas, for instance, an Irishman, accompanied by 
 a witness as to character, approached Judge Brady, when 
 the following colloquy occurred: 
 
 Judo-e. "You know this individual?" 
 
 o 
 
 Witness. "Av course I do." 
 
 Judge. "Is he a man of good moral character?" 
 
 Witness. "Well, your honor, he rades the Boible, he 
 plays the feddle, he doesn't whip the ould woman, and 
 now and then he takes a dhrop of whisky. Will that suit"? 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 21 
 
 The judge arrived at the conclusion that it would not 
 suit, declined to place his initials in the corner of the 
 blank, and the twain quitted his presence. 
 
 Later a pair on the same errand entereu Judge Daly's 
 court : 
 
 Judge. " You know this person ? " 
 Witness. " Y-a-a-s." 
 Judo-e. " Is his character srood ? " 
 Witness. " Mein Gott, chudge ! Of gourse it is; he^s 
 a paker ! " 
 
 Further examination tendino; to corroborate this bisrh 
 standard of respectability, the Teuton stalked out a citizen 
 of the Republic as well as a baker. 
 
 Another very funny instance is the one that occurred 
 before Judge Grey, of Elmira, N. Y.: 
 
 Judge. " How long, Patrick, have you been in this 
 country?" 
 
 Patrick. " Six years, y'r honor." 
 
 Judge. "Where did you land?" 
 
 Patrick. " In New York, sir." 
 
 Judge. " Have you ever been out of the United States 
 since you landed, six years ago ? " 
 
 Witness. " Niver but once, y'r honor." 
 Judge. "And where did you go then?" 
 Patrick. " To Elmira^ y'r honor." 
 
 The judge joined heartily in the explosion that fol- 
 lowed, but he gave the Irishman his papers, and after the 
 adjournment returned to his residence in foreign lands. 
 
 Another, similar in character to the above, is as follows: 
 Judge. "Do you know O'Brien?" 
 
 B 
 
22 
 
 WIT AND HUMon. 
 
 Irish witness. "Yes, sir." 
 
 Judge. "How long has he been in this country?" 
 
 Witness. "A little over five year." 
 
 Judge. " Is he a man of good moral character ? " 
 
 Witness (quite bewildered). " Sure, your honor, I 
 don't know what moral character means." 
 
 Judge. " Well, sir, I will talk more plainly to you. 
 Does O'Brien stand fair before the community?" 
 
 Witness (completely nonplussed). "By my sowl, I 
 don't apprehend your mailing, your honor." 
 
 Judge (rather irritated). " I mean to ask you, sir, if 
 O'Brien, the person who wants to be a citizen, and for 
 whom you are a witness, is a good man or not." 
 
 Witness. " Oh ! why didn't you ax me that way 
 before ? To be sure he is a good man. Sure and I've 
 seen him in ten fights during the last two years, and 
 every time he licked his man." 
 
 A CHICAGO STORY. 
 
 During a recent trial before Justice Dougherty, it was 
 thought important by counsel to determine the length of 
 time that certain "2 quarters of beef, 2 hogs, and 1 sheep" 
 remained in an express wagon in front of plaintiff's store 
 before they were taken away by the defendant. The wit- 
 ness under examination was a German, Avhose knowledge 
 of the English language was very limited; but he testified 
 in a very plain, straight-forward way to having weighed 
 the meat, and to having afterward carried it out and put it 
 into the aforesaid wagon. 
 
 Then the following ensued: 
 
 Counselor E . " State to the jury how long it was 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 23 
 
 after you took the meat from the store and put it into the 
 wagon before you took it away." 
 
 Witness. "Now, I shoost cand dell dat. I dinks 'bout 
 dwelve feet. I not say nearer as dat." 
 
 Counsel. You don't understand me. How long teas 
 it from the time the meat left the store, and was put into 
 the wagon, before it was taken away by the defendant?" 
 
 Witness. "Now, I know not what you ax dat for. Der 
 vagon he vas back up mit der sidevalk, and dat's shoost so 
 long as it vas. You dell me how long der sidevalk vas. 
 Den feet? Dwelve feet? Den I dells you how long it 
 vas." 
 
 Counsel. " I don't want to find out how wide the side- 
 walk was, but I want to know " (speaking very slowly), 
 ''how — lo)ig — this — meat — was — in — the — wagon — before 
 — it — was — taken — away? " 
 
 Witness. "Oh! dat! Veil, now, I not sold any meat 
 so. I all time weigh him; never measured meat, not yet. 
 But I dinks 'bout dree feet." (Here the spectators and his 
 honor and the jury smiled audibly). " I know not shen- 
 tlemens, how is dis. I dell you all I can, so good as I 
 know." 
 
 Counsel. " Look here, I want to know hoio long it was 
 before the meat was taken away after it was put into the 
 wagon?" 
 
 Witness (looking very knowingly at counsel). " Now 
 you try and get me in a scrape. Dat meat vas shoost so 
 long in der vagon as he vas in der shop, Dat's all I told 
 you. He don't got no longer in den dousan' year, not 
 mooch." 
 
 Counsel. " That will do." 
 
24 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 A STUBBORN JURY. 
 
 The Portland Transcript tells a good story of a Colonel 
 
 M , living in Washington County, Maine, who had a 
 
 great aptitude for serving as a juror. When thus serving, 
 he was very anxious that his opinion should be largely 
 consulted in making up a verdict. Some years ago, 
 while upon a case, after many hours' trial to agree, but 
 failing, he marshaled the delinquent jury from the room 
 to their seats in the court, where the impatient crowd 
 awaited the result of the trial. 
 
 "Have you agreed upon a verdict ?" inquired the clerk. 
 
 Col. M arose, turned a withering glance upon his 
 
 brother jurors, and exclaimed : 
 
 " May it please the court, we have not ; I have done the 
 best I could do, but here are eleven of the most contrary 
 devils I ever had any dealings with." 
 
 " My lord," began a pompous young barrister, " it is 
 written in the Book of Nature — " "On what page, sir — 
 on what page ?" interrupted the judge, with pen in hand. 
 
 AN IMPATIENT JURYMAN. 
 
 An Arkansas correspondent of the Picayune gives the 
 following as authentic : 
 
 " You Louisianians are all fond of cracking jokes at the 
 expense of Arkansas. Now, here is one on your State 
 absolutely true. I got it from an eye-witness: 
 
 "The District Court in one of your northern parishes 
 was in session; 'twas the first day of the court; time, after 
 dinner. Lawyers and others had dined, and were sitting 
 out before the hotel, when a long, lank, unsophisticated 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 25 
 
 countryman came up, unceremoniously made himself one 
 of 'em, and remarked : ' Gentlemen, I do wish you would 
 go on with this court, for I want to go home; I left Betsy 
 a-lookinor out.' 
 
 "'Ah!' said one of the lawyers, 'and pray, sir, what 
 detains you at court?' 
 
 "* Why, sir,' said the countryman, 'I am fotched here as 
 a jury^ and they say if T go home they will have to find 
 me, and they moutn't do that, as I live a good piece.' 
 
 "'What jury are you on?' asked a lawyer. 
 
 "'What jury?' 
 
 "'Yes, what jury? Grand or traverse jury?' 
 
 "'Grand or travis jury? dad fetch it if I know.' 
 
 "'Well,' said the lawyer, 'did the judge charge you?' 
 
 "'Well, squire,' said he, 'the little fellow that sits up 
 in the pulpit and kinder bosses it over the crowd gin us 
 a talk, but I don't know whether he charged anything or 
 not.' 
 
 "The crowd broke up in a roar of laughter, and the 
 sheriff called court." 
 
 A SHARP DIALOGUE. 
 
 We overheard once the following dialogue between a 
 judge and an Irish woman, a shoplifter: 
 
 " What's gone of your husband, woman?" 
 
 " What's gone of him, yer honor? Faith, and he's gone 
 dead." 
 
 "Ah — pray what did he die of?" 
 " Die of, yer honor? He died of a Friday." 
 " I don't mean what day of the week, but what com- 
 plaint ?" 
 
 % 
 
26 
 
 WIT AKD HUMOK. 
 
 " Faith, and it's himself that did not get time to 
 complain." 
 
 "Oh, ay — he died suddenly?" 
 " Rather that way, yer honor." 
 "Did he fall in a fit?" 
 No answer. 
 
 " He fell down in a fit, perhaps ? " 
 
 " Why, no, not exactly a fit, yer honor. He fell out 
 of a window, or through a cellar door — I don't know 
 what they call it." 
 
 "Oh, ay — and broke his neck." 
 
 " No, not quite that, yer worship." 
 
 " What then ? " 
 
 " There was a bit of sthring, or cord, or that like, and 
 it throttled poor Mike." 
 
 " Quite likely. Call the next case." 
 
 An Irish crier at Ballinsloe being ordered to clear the 
 court, did so by this announcement: " Now, then, all ye 
 blackguards that isn't laioyers^ must lave the coort." 
 
 "You are a nuisance; I'll commit you," said an offended 
 judge to a noisy person in court. " You have no right to 
 commit a nuisance," said the offender. 
 
 GOT EVEN WITH HIM. 
 
 Many amusing anecdotes are related of John Randolph, 
 of Virginia : One night when traveling through the "Old 
 Dominion" he stopped at an inn near the forks of two 
 roads. 
 
 The inn-keeper was a fine old gentleman, and knowing 
 who his distinguished guest was, he endeavored, during 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 27 
 
 the evening, to draw him into a conversation, but failed. 
 But in the morning, when Mr. Randolph was ready to 
 start, he called for his bill and paid it. The landlord, still 
 anxious to have some conversation, tackled him again: 
 
 " Which way are you traveling, Mr, Randolph ?" 
 
 "Sir?" said Mr. Randolph, with a look of displeasure. 
 
 " I asked," said the landlord, " which way are you 
 traveling ? " 
 
 " Have I paid you my bill ? " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Do I owe you anything more?" 
 " No." 
 
 "Well, I'm going just w^here I please; do you under- 
 stand?" 
 " Yes." 
 
 The landlord by this time got somewhat excited, and 
 Mr. Randolph drove off. But to the landlord's surprise, in 
 a few minutes he sent one of the servants to inquire which 
 of the forks of the road to take. Mr. Randolph still being 
 within hearing distance, the landlord yelled at the top of 
 his voice: 
 
 " Mr. Randolph, you don't owe me one cent; just take 
 whichever road you please." 
 
 DAT'S DE QUESTION, BOSS! 
 
 In one of the towns of Mississippi two colored men 
 were arrested on the charge of burglary. The jury before 
 whom they were tried were all colored. After the case 
 was tried they retired and made up a verdict, which was 
 announced to the court. On being called, the judge asked 
 for the verdict, which the foreman delivered as follows: 
 
28 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Dis jury find dat one of the 'cused busted in de sto' and 
 stole dat bacon, and dat de oder didn't do noffin." "Which 
 one do you find guilty?" asked the judge. "Dat's de 
 question, boss," returned the foreman; "dat's jes what we 
 can't find out, and we recommend dat de honorable coat 
 jes have anoder trial, and find out which on dem two 
 niggers stole dat bacon." 
 
 AN IRISHMAN'S WILL. 
 
 In the name of God, Amen ! T, Timothy Delona, of 
 Barrydownderry, in the county of Clare, farmer; being 
 sick and wake in my legs, but of sound head and warm 
 heart: Glory be to God! — do make the first and last will 
 the ould and new testament, first I giv^e my soul to God, 
 when it pleases Him to take it, sure no thanks to me, for I 
 can't help it then, and my body to be buried in the ground 
 at Barrydownderry Chapel, where all my kith an' kin that 
 have gone before me, an' those that live after, belonging to 
 me, are buried, pace to their ashes, and may the sod rest 
 lightly over their bones. Bury me near my godfather, Felix 
 O'Flaherty, betwixt and between him and my father and 
 mother, who lie separate altogether, at the other side of the 
 chapel yard. I lave the bit of ground containing ten 
 acres — rale old Irish acres — to me eldest son Tim, after the 
 death of his mother, if she survives him. My daughter 
 Mary and her husband Paddy O'Ragan are to get the 
 white sow that's going to have twelve black bDnifs. Teddy, 
 my second boy that was killed in the war of Amerikay, 
 might have got his pick of the poultry, but as he is gone, 
 ni lave them to his wife who died a wake before him; I 
 bequeath to all mankind fresh air of heaven, all the fishes 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 29 
 
 of the sea they can take and all the birds of the air they 
 can shoot, I lave to them the sun, moon and stars. I lave 
 to Peter RafFerty, a pint of fulpoteen, I can't finish, and 
 may God be merciful to him. 
 
 Pat, how's your wife?" 
 Pat. " Dead, I thank yer honor. How's your own? " 
 
 "Do you think I shall have justice done me?" said a 
 culprit to his counsel, a shrewd Kentucky lawyer, of the 
 best class in that " eloquent State." 
 
 " I am a little afraid you ^(jo^i'^," replied the other ; " I 
 see two men on the jury who are opposed to hanging!" 
 
 TOO MUCH FOR THE ATTORNEY. 
 
 The following dialogue, which occurred several years 
 ago, between a lawyer and a witness in a justice's court, is 
 worth relating: 
 
 It seems that Mr. Jones loaned Mr. Smith a horse, which 
 died while in his (Smith's) possession. Mr. Jones brought 
 suit to recover the value of the horse, attributing his death 
 to bad treatment. During the course of the trial a witness 
 (Brown) was called to the stand to testify as to how Mr. 
 Smith treated horses. 
 
 Lawyer (with a bland and confidence-invoking smile). 
 "Well, sir, how does Mr. Smith generally ride a horse?" 
 
 Witness (with a very merry twinkle in his eye, other- 
 wise imperturbable). " Astraddle. I believe, sir." 
 
 Lawyer (with a scarcely perceptible flush of vexation 
 on his cheek, but still speaking m his blandest tones). 
 "But, sir, what gait does he ride?" 
 
30 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Witness. " He never rides any gate, sir. His boys ride 
 all the gates." 
 
 Lawyer (his bland smile gone and his voice slightly 
 husky). " But how does he ride when in company with 
 others? " 
 
 Witness. " Keeps up, if his horse is able ; if not, he 
 goes behind." : , 
 
 Lawyer (triumphantly, and in perfect fury). How 
 does he ride when alone, sir?" 
 
 Witness. "Don't know; never was with him when he 
 was alone." 
 
 Lawyer. " I have done with you, sir." 
 
 "Silence in the court!" thundered a Kentucky judge 
 the other morning. "Half a dozen men have been con- 
 victed already without the court's having been able to 
 hear a word of the testimony." 
 
 OKLY MADE IT WORSE. 
 
 It is sometimes better, when a man has made a blunder, 
 to let it go. Attempting to set it right often makes it 
 worse, and certainly calls the attention of many to it who 
 would have taken no notice of it if the speaker had gone 
 along as if nothing had happened. Some years ago, 
 
 the Hon. Mr. R , of Wyoming, Pennsylvania, had 
 
 quite a reputation as a pettifogger. His knowledge of 
 books was very small, and his main reliance was upon his 
 own tact and shrewdness, which rarely failed him, and lasts 
 to this day. On one occasion he was pitted against a 
 smart, well-dressed limb of the law from the city, who 
 made fun of a paper which R had submitted to the 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 31 
 
 court. "All law papers," said the learned counselor, 
 " ought to be written in the English language, but I sub- 
 mit to the court that there are no words in the language 
 spelled as these in the document now before us. I insist 
 
 that it ought to be excluded." R replied : " The 
 
 learned counsel on the other side finds fault with my 
 spellin', as though the merits of the case depends upon 
 sich outside matters. I'm agin luggin' in any such forin . 
 affairs, but I will say that a man must be a great fool loho 
 can't spell a word more than one icay,'''* 
 
 A DOG ON THE JURY. 
 
 The seat of a juryman absent from the court was taken 
 possession of by a dog. The judge, addressing one of the 
 counsel, said: "You see, Mr. Laning, the jurymen's seats 
 are all occupied; are you ready to proceed?" The lawyer 
 raised his glasses to his eyes, and, after a brief survey of 
 the jury box, made the witty reply: "Your honor, that 
 fellow might do for a judge, but I should hate to trust him 
 for a juryman." The judge joined heartily in the laugh 
 that followed. 
 
 WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THE PINT WAS. 
 
 On a certain occasion Mr. Brown appeared before a 
 circuit judge of West Virginia, demurred to the sufficiency 
 of the declaration, and made a short but very pointed 
 argument. 
 
 The judge, a very stupid specimen of his class, waking 
 up in the midst of the argument, interrupted him by 
 asking what the pint was that he was driving at. 
 
 Mr. Brown hesitated a moment, and very deliberately 
 replied : 
 
32 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " If the court please, I am about to illustrate it by dia- 
 grams, and I hope to make it so plain that it will be 
 comprehended by all the audience, and perhaps I may 
 bring it even within the comprehension of the court." 
 
 A 8TUPID OLD COURT-CRIER. 
 
 In the most beautiful town in North Carolina, where 
 have been born and have bloomed her fairest daughters, 
 and where for a number of years shone in undimmed 
 radiance the brightest intellects which have ever orna- 
 mented and blessed her — in the court-house which has 
 so often been graced with the elegant oratory of a Gaston, 
 or startled with the flashing wit or bitter irony of a 
 Stanley, the following very amusing incident occurred. 
 
 An old court-crier, who had grown gray in the cause 
 and as deaf as a beetle, was in the habit of calling the 
 names of witnesses (which he generally managed to get 
 wrong) from the second-story window of the court-house, 
 in such a stentorian voice as to be heard with distinctness 
 for a square or more. On one occasion, in the course of a 
 very serious and somewhat important suit, the presence of 
 a witness named Arabella Hanks was needed. The crier, 
 like a parrot, sat nodding on his perch, when he was 
 aroused from his slumber by an order from the court 
 to call the witness. Looking anxiously at the jjidge, with 
 his hand at his ear, in order to catch the sound correctly, 
 he said: 
 
 " What, your honor? " 
 
 " Call x\rabella Hanks," said the judge. 
 
 Still in doubt, the poor crier arose from his seat and sa'd 
 again, with a much puzzled look: 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 33 
 
 What, your honor?" 
 
 Call Arabella Hanks, crier, and delay the buBiness of 
 the court no longer! " said the judge, much provoked. 
 
 The old crier, thereupon, with a countenance indicating 
 both doubt and desperation, proceeded to the window, and 
 in his loudest voice called out: 
 
 " Taller Belly Shanks ! Yaller Belly Shanks ! Yaller 
 Belly Shanks! come into court! " 
 
 It is needless to say that the seriousness of the court- 
 room was convulsively dispelled; and quiet was restored 
 only to be again disturbed by the laughter caused by the 
 crier, who, in answer to the court as to whether or not the 
 witness answered, said, "No, your honor; and I don't 
 believe there is such a person in the county, for I've lived 
 here forty years, and I never he'erd of him before." 
 
 SHARP FIRING. 
 
 An amusing tilt took place a few months ago in one of 
 :he courts, in an Eastern State, between two well-known 
 members of the bar. 
 
 One of the principals, whom we shall call Henry, is still 
 practicing law, and highly esteemed in the profession; the 
 other has since gone into the ministry and may be called 
 George — a man peculiarly eccentric, and dubbed by many 
 of his bretlfcren as a fool, though not one by any means. 
 
 The two were engaged in the trial of a case, and during 
 the progress of the trial frequently locked arms upon 
 relevancy of the testimony. Mr. H., becoming somewhat 
 annoyed at the illegal mode of his opponent's examination 
 of the witnesses, arose, and addressing the court, said: 
 
 " If your honor please, I desire to try this case on its 
 
34 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 merits, and according to the established rules of evidence. 
 The gentleman on the other side certainly knows some 
 law ! " 
 
 This unexpected personal remark aroused brother G. 
 into a high pitch of excitement. Addressing the court, 
 with cutting emphasis he replied: 
 
 " I'm a fool, and I know it, and it don't hurt me a bit; 
 but the counsel upon the other side is a darned fool and 
 don't know it, and it's killing him; and the sooner he finds 
 it out the better for himself and his clients! " 
 
 Then, turning upon his opponent with venomous sar- 
 casm, he continued: 
 
 "You! you! what do you know? You think you're 
 smart, don't you? There (throwing him a half dollar), 
 hurry up, quick, tell me all you know, and give me the 
 change." 
 
 At this point the court interfered, and the case pro- 
 ceeded. 
 
 A shoemaker was arrested for bigamy and brought 
 before the magistrate. " Which wife," asked a by-stander, 
 "will he be obliged to take?" Smith, always ready at a 
 joke, replied, " He is a cobbler, and of course must stick to 
 his last." 
 
 The other day a colored man fresh from " Ole Virginy," 
 was on the witness stand and the judge asked him: 
 " Do you know what an oath is? " 
 
 "Yes, sah; when a man swears to a lie he's got to stick 
 to it." 
 
 The judge asked an Irish policeman, named O'Connell, 
 "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 35 
 
 replied, "The last time I saw her, my lord, was about 
 eight months ago, when she called at my house, and I 
 was out." " Then you did not see her on that occasion? " 
 The Irishman answered, " No, my lord, I wasn't there." 
 
 In a recent murder trial at Bangor, Me., a Mrs. Flanna- 
 gan swore to a confession made to her by the respondent, 
 whereupon defense called an old fellow who had said 
 repeatedly he wouldn't believe her under oath. 
 
 Lawyer. " Do you know the reputation of Mrs. Flanna- 
 gan for truth and veracity?" 
 
 Witness. "Wall, Square, I guess she'd tell the truth; 
 but about her veracity — well, now, some say she would, 
 and some say she wouldn't." 
 
 A HARD HIT AT THE COURT. 
 
 A young lawyer in Arkansas was arguing a case before 
 a judge whose self-conceit was in inverse proportion to his 
 knowledge of the law. 
 
 The counsel was endeavoring to sustain a legal position 
 he had taken in the case. He proceeded to quote Black- 
 stone, when the court interrupted him by saying: 
 
 "It is presumed, sir, that this court knows the law." 
 
 "Yes, your honor, but the presumption of the court 
 may be rebutted," suggested the attorney. 
 
 " Sit down, sir, or the court will commit you for con- 
 tempt. This court will not be dictated to with impunity; 
 and if such an infringement be made again on its dignity, 
 it will immediately order the offender to jail." 
 
 " Well, if your honor please, I don't say that my point 
 is well taken. I have great respect for this court, but I'd 
 
36 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 just like to read a little from Blackstone to show what a 
 blamed old jackass he must have been." 
 
 NOT THE MAN HE THOUGHT HE WAS. 
 
 An Arkansas judge had his law office very close to a 
 certain doctor's — in fact, they were separated only by a 
 plank partition with a door in it. The judge was at his 
 table, busy with his briefs and bills in chancery. The doc- 
 tor was writing a letter, and, pausing at the word econom- 
 ical, called out: 
 
 "Judge, isn't e-q-u-i the way to spell equinomical? " 
 
 ''Yes, I think it is," said the judge, "but here is Web- 
 ster's dictionary; I can soon tell." 
 
 He opened the book, and, turning over the leaves, 
 repeated aloud, " equinomical — equinomical." 
 
 Finding the proper place, he ran his eye and finger up 
 and down the column two or three times, until he was 
 perfectly satisfied that the word in question was not there. 
 Closing the book with a slam, the judge laid his specs on 
 the table, and, rising slowly, broke forth: 
 
 "Well, sir, I have always been a Daniel Webster man, 
 and voted for him for President ; but any man that will 
 write a dictionary as big as this, and not put as common a 
 word as ' equi-nomical ' in it, can't get my vote for anything 
 hereafter! " 
 
 Judge Grier, late of the United States Supreme Court, 
 was once trying a case in Pennsylvania. A blundering 
 jury returned an unjust verdict. As the clerk turned to 
 record it. Judge Grier said: " Mr. Clerk, that verdict is set 
 aside by the court. It may as well be understood that in 
 this State it takes thirteen men to steal a man's farm." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 87 
 
 ORATORY OF THE AFFIDAVIT. 
 
 Shields, in his "Sketches" of the Irish bar, says: "I 
 have offered a specimen of Irish society, as I could collect 
 it from affidavits daily produced in court; yet, shocking as 
 the details are, I confess it is not easy to repress a smile at 
 the style in which those adventurous scenes are described. 
 The affidavits are generally the composition of country 
 attorneys. The maltreated process-server puts the story 
 of his injured feelings and beaten carcass into the hands 
 of one of those learned penmen; and I must do them the 
 justice to say, that they conscientiously make the most of 
 the task confided to them. They have all a dash of national 
 eloquence about them, the leading qualities of which — 
 metaphor, pathos, sonorous phrase, impassioned delineation, 
 etc. — they liberally embody with the technical details of 
 facts, forming a class of oratory quite unknown to the 
 schools: 'The Oratory of the Affidavits.' What British 
 adviser, for instance, of matters to be given in on oath, 
 would venture upon such a poetical statement as the fol- 
 lowing, which I took down one day in the Irish Court of 
 Common Pleas: 
 
 " ' And this deponent farther saith, that on arriving at 
 the house of the said defendant, situate in the county of 
 Galway aforesaid, for the purpose of personally serving 
 him with the said writ, he the said deponent knocked 
 three several times at the outer, commonly called the hall, 
 door, but could not obtain admittance ; whereupon this 
 deponent was proceeding to knock a fourth time, when a 
 man to this deponent unknown, holding in his hands a 
 musket or blunderbuss, loaded with balls or slugs, as this 
 deponent has since heard and verily believes, appeared at 
 
38 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 one of the upper windows of said house, and, presenting 
 said musket or blunderbuss at this deponent, threatened, 
 that if said deponent did not instantly retire he would send 
 his, this deponent's, soul to hell, which this deponent verily 
 believes he would have done^ had not this deponent precipi- 
 tately escaped.' " 
 
 To this may be added the affidavit of the Troy police- 
 man who swore as follows: 
 
 " The prisoner set upon me, calling me an ass, a pre- 
 cious dolt, a scarecrow, a ragamuffin, and idiot, all of which 
 I certify to be true." 
 
 SHARP ON A SHARPER. 
 
 The spectators in a court-room always enjoy the retort, 
 when a lawyer, badgering a witness, receives short replies 
 at his own expense. Sympathy is always against the 
 lawyer. Even half-witted persons sometimes hit the weak 
 point in the harness. 
 
 " William Look ! Tell us, William, who made you? " 
 
 William, who was considered a fool, screwed up his 
 face, and looking thoughtful and somewhat bewildered, 
 answered, " Moses, I suppose." 
 
 "That will do," said Counselor Gray, addressing the 
 court. " Witness says he supposes Moses made him. That 
 is an intelligent answer; more than 1 thought him capable 
 of giving, for it shows that he has some faint idea of 
 Scripture. I submit it was not sufficient to entitle him to 
 be sworn as a witness capable of giving evidence." 
 
 "Mr. Judge," said the fool, "may I ax the lawyer a 
 question? " 
 
 " Certainly," said the judge. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 39 
 
 " Well, then, Mr. Lawyer, who do you suppose made 
 you?" 
 
 "Aaron, I suppose," said Counselor Gray, imitating the 
 witness. 
 
 After the mirth had somewhat subsided, the witness 
 drawled out : " Wall, now, we do read in the Book that 
 AsLTon once made a calf, but who'd a thought the critter 
 had got in here." 
 
 The Judge ordered the man to be sworn. 
 
 SPECIMEKS OF ERSKINE'S WIT. 
 
 One of Lord Erskine's greatest fortes was his flow of 
 genial and pleasant humor, and this made him extremely 
 popular. 
 
 He was once called upon by an old friend and asked 
 whether an action for damages would lie in a certain case; 
 and the evidence being clearly insufficient, he replied with 
 one of his best puns: 
 
 " The action will not lie unless the witnesses c?o." 
 
 And in the Thelwall case, the prisoner, becoming 
 alarmed, wrote upon a slip of paper : " I'm afraid I'll be 
 hanged if I don't plead my own case," and handed it to 
 Erskine, his counsel, who replied: 
 
 "You'll be hanged if you do." 
 
 TOO CANDID BY HALF. 
 
 Admitting yourself out of court is a legal phrase, signi- 
 fying a liberality of concession to your opponent by which 
 you destroy your own cause. This excess of candor was 
 well illustrated by the Irishman who boasted that he had 
 often skated sixty miles a day. " Sixty miles! " exclaimed 
 
40 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 an auditor, " that is a great distance ; it must have been 
 accomplished when the days were the longest." 
 
 " To be sure it was ; I admit that," said the ingenious 
 Hibernian. 
 
 DOES COUNSEL TAKE THE COURT TO BE A FOOL? 
 
 When Hon. J. T. Mills, of South Carolina, was upon the 
 bench he had occasion to cut a counsel pretty sharply in 
 the course of a trial. His name was Thomas F. Smith, 
 and he had attempted to pull the wool over the eyes of the 
 court by outrageously misstating the law in his address to 
 the jnry. When asked to charge the gentlemen of the jury 
 accordingly, the judge became very angry, and, flushed 
 with excitement, replied: 
 
 " Do you take this court to be a fool ? " 
 
 " I hope your honor will not insist on an answer to that 
 question, as in answering I might be committed for con- 
 tempt of court," replied Mr. Smith. 
 
 "Fine the counsel ten dollars, Mr. Clerk," said the 
 judge. 
 
 Smith paid the money, and as he did so remarked, " It's 
 ten dollars more than this court can show." 
 
 " Fine him fifty dollars," said his honor, becoming very 
 indignant at this outrage upon the dignity of the court; 
 " I'll put a stop to such impudence." 
 
 The fine was accordingly entered, and Smith not having 
 any money to respond, sat down. 
 
 The next morning the minutes of the preceding day's 
 business were read over by the clerk, and upon them was 
 the entry of Counselor Smith's fine. 
 
 Smith arose, and with much kindness and a great deal 
 of surprise, said to the judge: 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 41 
 
 " If your honor please, the clerk took down that little 
 joke of yours yesterday about the fifty dollars as a serious 
 one, as I perceive from the minutes read this morning. 
 Will you be kind enough to inform him of his error and 
 have it removed from the record ? " 
 
 This little movement so amused his honor that he 
 remitted the fine. 
 
 STEPHEN GIRARD^S WILL. 
 
 Stephen Girard's will prohibited clergymen from ever 
 entering the doors of Girard College. At a recent visit 
 of the Knights Templar of Boston to the institution, 
 one of the knights, a well-known physician, who wears a 
 white neck-tie, was passing in. The janitor accosted him, 
 saying, "You can't pass in here, sir; the rule forbids it." 
 "The h — 1 I can't," replied the physician. "All right, 
 sir," rejoined the janitor; "pass right in." 
 
 A SMART LAWYER AND A STUPID JUDGE. 
 
 James T. Brown, of Indiana, a smart lawyer, was once 
 employed to defend a case in the Circuit Court of that 
 State. The judge was not very learned in technicalities, 
 knew but little Latin, and much less Greek. The jury 
 were ordinary farmers. After the plaintiff's counsel had 
 opened the case. Brown rose and spoke for two hours in a 
 very flowery and eloquent manner, repeating Latin and 
 Greek, and using all the technicalities he could think of. 
 The jury sat and eyed him with their mouths wide open, 
 the judge looked on with amazement, and the lawyers 
 laughed aloud. Brown closed. To the jury and court the 
 whole argument was as clear as mud. The case was sub- 
 
42 
 
 WIT HUMOR. 
 
 mitted to them without one word of reply, and their ver- 
 dictj without leaving the box, was against Brown. 
 
 In the morning Brown appeared in court, and, bowing 
 politely to the judge, made a motion for a new trial: 
 
 " May it please your honor, I humbly rise this morning 
 to move for a new trial ; not on my own account, for 1 
 richly deserve the verdict, but on behalf of my client, who 
 is an innocent party in this matter. On yesterday I gave 
 wing to my imagination and rose above the stars in a blaze 
 of glory. I saw at the time that it was all Greek and 
 turkey tracks to you and the jury. This morning I feel 
 humble, and I promise the court, if it will grant me a new 
 trial, that I will try to bring myself down to the compre- 
 hension of the court and jury." 
 
 The Judge. " Motion overruled, and a fine of five dol- 
 lars imposed upon Mr. Brown for contempt of court." 
 
 " For what?" 
 
 " For insinuating that the court don't know l^atin and 
 Greek from turkey tracks." 
 
 " I shall not appeal from that decision ; your honor has 
 comprehended me this time." 
 
 JUMPING AT A COKCLUSION. 
 
 A most amusing scene occurred in a case in one of the 
 Western courts. It was up for argument on a Question of 
 law reserved. 
 
 The judge was dead set against the derendant and 
 insisted that he understood the question in controversy and 
 the legal points arising out of it. 
 
 Defendant's attorney endeavored to explain y> the court 
 wherein it was mistaken. 
 
WTT AND HUMOH. 
 
 48 
 
 " If your bono, please, that is not the point in ques- 
 tion," said the attorney. 
 
 " The court thinks otherwise." 
 
 " But," said the attorney, somewhat excitedly, " I say 
 your honor lies — " and here he was suddenly cut short 
 by the judge. 
 
 " What do you say, sir ! do you mean to insinuate the 
 court lies?" sharply and quickly rapped his honor. 
 
 " No, I beg pardon, if the court so understood it. What 
 I was about to say, when interrupted by your honor, and 
 what I now say in the presence of the court is : ' That 
 your honor lies' — and taking a long breath and coughing 
 slightly, * under a mistake.'" 
 
 This was a satisfactory explanation, and the court and 
 ^ludience enjoyed the scene with considerable merriment, 
 and the case proceeded without further interruption. 
 
 EXPOSING A QUACK. 
 
 The late David Paul Brown, an eminent attorney of the 
 Philadelphia bar, used to tell a very funny story: 
 
 A quack had instituted suit to recover his bill for medi- 
 cal services rendered. The defence was quackery and 
 worthlessness of the services rendered. The doctor went 
 upon the witness stand and was subjected to a rigid cross- 
 examination as follows: 
 
 " Did you treat the patient according to the most 
 approved rules of surgery?" 
 
 '*By all means — certainly I did." 
 
 "Did you decapitate him?" 
 
 "Undoubtedly I did; that was a matter of course." 
 "Did you perform the Caesarean Operation upon him?" 
 
44 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "Why, of course; his condition required it, and it was 
 attended with very great success." 
 
 " Did you then subject his person to autopsy?" 
 
 "Certainly; that was the very last remedy I adopted." 
 
 " Well, then, doctor," said the counsel, " as you first cut 
 off the defendant's head, then dissected him, and he still 
 survives it, I have no more to ask; and if your claim will 
 survive it, quackery deserves to be immortal." 
 
 GIVING THE PRECISE WORDS. 
 
 A witness was examined before a judge, in a case, who 
 required him to repeat the precise words spoken. The 
 witness hesitated until he riveted the attention of the 
 entire court upon him, then, fixing his eyes earnestly on 
 the judge, began : 
 
 " May it please your honor, you lie and^ steal, and get 
 your living by stealing." 
 
 The face of the judge reddened, and he immediately 
 said : 
 
 " Turn to the jury^ sir." 
 
 SMITH YS. BROWN. 
 plaintiff's attorney was playing poker. 
 
 At a court in , Kentucky, the case of Smith vs. 
 
 Brown was called up. 
 
 "Who's for the plaintiff?" inquired the judge, im- 
 patiently. 
 
 " May it please the court," said a rising member of the 
 legal fraternity, " Pilkins is for the plaintiff; but I left him 
 just now over in the tavern playing a game of poker. He's 
 got a sucker there, and he is sure to skin him if he only 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 45 
 
 has time. He's got the thing all set to ring a cold deck, in 
 which case he'll deal himself four aces and his opponent 
 four queens; so that your honor will perceive he must rake 
 the persimmons." 
 
 "Dear me!" said the judge, with a sigh; "that's too 
 bad ! It happens at a very unfortunate time; I am very 
 anxious to get on with these cases." 
 
 A brown study followed, and at length a happy idea 
 struck the judge. 
 
 " Bill," said he, addressing the friend of the absent 
 Pilkins who had spoken, "you understand poker about 
 as well as Pilkins. Suppose you go over and play his 
 hand." 
 
 Not long ago, in the Court of Appeals, an Irish lawyer, 
 while arguing with earnestness his cause, stated a point 
 which the court ruled out. 
 
 " Well," said the attorney, " if it plaze the coort, if I 
 am wrong in this, I have another point that is aqually as 
 conclusive." 
 
 AN IRISHMA^N'S PLEA. 
 
 "Are you guilty or not guilty?" asked the clerk of the 
 Criminal Court, to an Irish prisoner. 
 
 " An' sure," said Pat, " what are yees there for, but to 
 foind that out ? " 
 
 BAR BAROUS WIT. 
 
 The bar is noted for its wit; but it is not always that 
 the best things are said before the bar. A poor fellow, 
 in his examination the other day, was asked if he had not 
 been in that court before, and what for? (He had been 
 up for body stealing.) " It was for nothin' at all," said 
 o 
 
46 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 the humorist, " honly rescuing a feller cretur from the 
 grave." 
 
 WHICH END ? 
 A judge, pointing with his cane to a prisoner before 
 him, remarked : " There is a great rogue at the end of 
 this stick/' The man replied: "At which end, your 
 honor ? " 
 
 AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA. 
 At the last term of our court, two prisoners, both Irish- 
 men, were brought up on a charge of larceny. One of 
 them pleaded guilty, but the other preferred to take his 
 chance. The judge asked him if he had counsel, and 
 finding that he had not, he assigned him a lawyer, Mr. 
 Coons, a young gentleman not so remarkable for brains 
 as for hair and gold buttons. The young lawyer rose 
 to present the case of his new client; looked first at the 
 prisoner, then at the judge, and then all over the court- 
 house, but never a word could he find to utter. He was 
 stuck! 
 
 The prisoner broke the silence. " Be jabers! your 
 honor," said Pat, " if you can't do any better for me than 
 that, I may as well plade guilty too!" which he did forth- 
 with. 
 
 YOU WONT STRIKE A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN, ETC. 
 
 Curran, the Irish barrister, was a man of great magnetic 
 force. His oratorical powers were of the most splendid 
 style, and his wit, pathos, and sarcasm irresistible. He is 
 said to have received a call before he had left his bed one 
 morning, from a man whom he had roughly, and with a 
 good deal of insolence, cross-examined the day before. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 47 
 
 "Sir," said this irate man, presenting himself in Cur- 
 ran's bedroom, and arousing the barrister from slumber to 
 a consciousness that he was in a very awkward position, 
 " I am the gentleman you insulted yesterday in court, 
 in the presence of the whole county, and I have come to 
 thrash you soundly for it." Thus suiting the action to the 
 word, he raised a horsewhip to strike Curran, when the 
 latter quickly said: 
 
 " You don't mean to strike a man when he's down. 
 
 " No, bedad; I'll jist wait till you've got out of bed, and 
 then I will give it to you." 
 
 Curran's eye twinkled humorously as he replied: 
 
 "If that's the case, by I'll lie here all day." 
 
 So amused was the Irishman at this flash of wit, that he 
 dropped his whip, and with a hearty roar of laughter, asked 
 Curran to shake hands with him. 
 
 His wit, at times, was extremely bitter, as when asked 
 by a young poet, whom he disliked: 
 
 "Have you seen my ' Descent into Hell?' " he replied: 
 
 "No; I should be delighted to see it." 
 
 At other times his humor was warm and delightful, as 
 for example, when his physician one morning observed: 
 
 "You seem to cough with more difficulty!" he replied: 
 
 "That is rather surprising, for I have been practicing 
 all night." 
 
 HUMOR OF A JUDGE. 
 
 It is related of the late Judge P of Massachusetts 
 
 that he was very careless about himself and his dress. His 
 friend Harrison G. Otis was just the reverse, exceedingly 
 neat and genteel in his dress and graceful and kind in his 
 demeanor. Meeting the judge one da,y, he said: 
 
48 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "Judge, how often do you change your linen in a 
 week ? " 
 
 " Once," was the reply. 
 
 " Well, you must be very dirty." 
 
 "How often do you change?" said the judge. 
 
 "Every day." 
 
 " Then you must be more dirty, to require a change so 
 often." 
 
 A LAWYER'S FEE. 
 
 A story is told at the expense of a legal gentleman who 
 was formerly well known in Norwich, Conn., who now 
 lives in Oshkosh. One Smith had failed in business and 
 sold out, and having two or three tough little bills, had 
 given them to this lawyer for collection. Smith went to 
 the office to receive the proceeds. The amount collected 
 was about fifty dollars. " I'm sorry you've been so unfor- 
 tunate. Smith, for I take a great interest in you. I sha'n't 
 charge you so much as I should if I didn't feel so much 
 interest in you." Here he handed Smith fifteen dollars, 
 and kept the balance. "You see, Smith, I knew you when 
 you were a boy, and I knew your father before you, and I 
 take a good deal of interest in you. Good morning; come 
 and see me again ! " Smith, moving slowly out of the 
 door, and ruefully contemplating the avails, was heard to 
 mutter, " Thank God, you didn't know my grandfather." 
 
 AS INNOCEOT AS A SUCKIN^ BABE. 
 
 An Irishman being recently on trial for some ofi^ense, 
 pleaded "not guilty;" and, the jury being in the box, the 
 State's solicitor proceeded to call Mr. Furkisson as a 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 49 
 
 witness. With the utmost innocence, Patrick turned his 
 face to the court, and said : " Do I understand yer honor 
 that Mr. Furkisson is to be a witness forenenst me again?" 
 The judge said dryly, It seems so." " Well thin, yer honor, 
 I plade guilty, sure, and yer honor plaze, not because I 
 am guilty, for I'm as innocent as yer honor's suckin' babe 
 at the brist, but jist on the account of saving Misther 
 Furkisson's 50w^." 
 
 HOG AND BACON. 
 
 Lord Bacon as a wit, a lawyer, a judge and philosopher, 
 will be remembered through the ages to come, down to 
 the last syllable of recorded time. His life with all its 
 accomplishments is marred with unpleasant scenes. Much 
 humor is traced to him as its source. Perhaps the most 
 amusing thing occurred in the case of the criminal Hogg, 
 convicted of a felony, who begged his honor not to pass 
 sentence of death upon him, because hog and bacon were 
 so near akin to each other; to which he replied: 
 
 " My friend, you and I cannot be kindred unless you be 
 hanged, for hog is not bacon until it is hung." And then 
 sentence was passed upon him. 
 
 COULDN'T TELL TILL HE HEARD THE EVIDENCE. 
 
 Some years ago an Irishman was arrested and brought 
 before a New York judge upon the charge of assault and 
 battery. He listened very attentively while the indictment 
 was being read, and when that was ended, was asked if he 
 demanded a trial. 
 
 Pat, putting his hand to his ear, and leaning forward in 
 
 utter ignorance of what had been asked him, said : 
 4 
 
50 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " What's that ? " 
 
 The question was repeated, and his reply was : " The 
 divil a thrial I want. Ye needn't give yourself the throuble 
 of thryin' me ; you may as well save the expense of that 
 and put me down innocent. Contint am I to lave this wid 
 my blessin' on ye ; indade, I'm anxious, for me boss is 
 waitin' for me beyant. Oh, no, no ! the divil a thrial I 
 want at all, at all ! " 
 
 When the laughter in the court-room subsided, the 
 question was changed, and the prisoner was asked : 
 
 "Are you guilty or not guilty?" 
 
 "What's that ?" he said, leaning* forward again with his 
 hand to his ear, as if he hadn't heard the question. 
 
 "Are you guilty or not guilty?" said the judge. 
 
 " Arrah, now, your honor, how the divil can I tell till I 
 hear the evidence ? " 
 
 SAID NO SUCH THING. 
 
 The following anecdote is submitted to professional 
 gentlemen who give evidence before coroner's juries: A 
 witness for the prosecution in a murder case was thus 
 questioned by his honor: "You say you saw the man 
 shot at and killed? " " Yes, sir." " You said, I think, that 
 the charge struck the deceased on his body between the 
 diaphragm and the duodenum?" Witness. "No, sir; I 
 didn't say no sich thing. I said he was shot between the 
 hog-pen and the wood-house." 
 
 A BRIGHT IDEA. 
 Some years ago, in one of our Western courts, three 
 men, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotchman, were 
 found guilty of murder, and sentenced to be hung. The 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 51 
 
 judge told them they could each choose the tree on which 
 they would like to be strung up. The Scotchman promptly 
 chose an ash tree, and the Englishman an oak tree. "Well, 
 Pat, what will you be hung on?" " If it plaze your honor, 
 I'd rather be hung on a gooseberry bush." " Oh," said the 
 judge, "that's not big enough." "Begorry thin," replied 
 Pat, brightening up, " I'll wait till it grows." 
 
 CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. 
 
 Judge (to intelligent juryman). "Would you convict 
 a man on circumstantial evidence?" "I dunno wot dat 
 is, jedge." "Well, what do you think it is?" "Well, 
 'cordin' to my judgment, sarcumstanshil is 'bout dis : Ef 
 one man shoots annudder and kills him, he orter to be 
 hung for it. Ef he don't kill him, he orter go to the 
 plenipotentiary." 
 
 A PENNSYLVANIA BULL. 
 
 Mr. W , an attorney, many years ago lived in a 
 
 ^'backwoods" county of Pennsylvania. He was a genuine 
 Irishman and as good-hearted a soul as ever landed from 
 the "ould sod." 
 
 He was possessed of very little learning, and always 
 went about business in a way peculiarly his own. A 
 client of his had executed a bond, endorsed by some trick 
 or fraud, for which he had received no consideration ; and 
 on reflection, having become alarmed, applied to Mr. W. 
 for advice. Mr. W. examined the records, and finding that 
 no judgment had been entered on the bond, suspected 
 that the party to whom the bond had been given would 
 not enter judgment until the court had adjourned, and the 
 
52 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 judge had gone to another county, when he might enter 
 judgment, issue execution, make the money, and pocket it 
 before the defendant could obtain relief. 
 
 Mr. W. determined to head the villain, and accordingly 
 prepared a motion, and an affidavit of the facts to support 
 it, and coming into cou;:-t in a great hurry, said : 
 
 " May it plaze yer honors, I jest want to move the 
 co-r-r-rt to strike off a judgment that hasn't been entered 
 at all, at all." 
 
 The judge said to him very pleasantly, "I think you 
 
 are a little too premature, Mr. W . Hadn't you better 
 
 wait till the judgment is entered ?" 
 
 "And may it plaze the co-r-r-rt," said W., "I'm jest 
 fearin' they'll never enter it, and that's why I want it 
 struck off." 
 
 VERY OBTUSE WITNESS. 
 
 Thackeray has been police reporting for the London 
 Diogenes, Here is a sample : 
 
 Pat Fogarty went all the way from Manchester to 
 liOndon to thrash Mick Fitzpatrick, which he did, winding 
 up the performance with the assistance of an "awful horse- 
 shoe." He was detected and brought before Mr. Justice 
 Simpleman. A part of the examination is annexed : 
 
 Court. "Well, sir, you came here from Manchester 
 did you ? " 
 
 Pat. "Your honor has answered correct." 
 
 Court. "You see the complainant's head; it was cut 
 by a sharp instrument. Do you know what cut it ? " 
 
 Pat. "Ain't your honor afther sayin' that a sharp 
 instrument did ? " 
 
 Court (becoming restive). " I see you mean to equivo- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 53 
 
 cate. Now, sir, you cut that head ; you came here to cut 
 it, did you not ? Now, sir, what motive brought you to 
 London ? " 
 
 Pat. " The locomotive, yer honor." 
 
 Court (waxing warm). " Equivocating again, you scoun- 
 drel ! " (Raising up the horseshoe, and holding it before 
 Pat), " Do you see this horseshoe, sir ? " 
 
 Pat. ''Is it a horseshoe, yer honor?" 
 
 Court. " Don't you see it is, sir ? Are you blind ? Can 
 you not tell at once that it is a horseshoe ?" 
 
 Pat. " Bedad, no, yer honor." 
 
 Court (angrily). "No?" 
 
 Pat. "No, yer honor; but can yerself tell?" 
 
 Court. "Of course I can, you stupid Irishman." 
 
 Pat (soliloquizing aloud). " Oh, glory be to goodness, 
 see what education is, yer honor ! Sure, a poor, ignorant 
 creature like myself wouldn't know a horseshoe from a 
 mare's." 
 
 When a Kentucky judge, some years ago, was asked 
 by an attorney, upon some strange ruling : 
 
 "Is that law, your honor? "he replied: 
 
 " If the court understand herself, and she think he do, 
 it are ! " 
 
 " I say, Jim," said a creditor to a bankrupt the other 
 day, "what'll you pay?" 
 
 "Wall, I'm going to pay fifty cents on the dollar if I 
 have to pay it out of my own pocket." 
 
 THE STATE IS DRUNK. 
 
 A few years ago, the State's attorney of a northern 
 county in Vermont, although a man of great legal ability. 
 
64 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 was very fond of the bottle. On one occasion, an impor- 
 tant criminal case was called on by the clerk, but the 
 attorney, with owl-like gravity, kept his chair. " Mr. 
 Attorney, is the State ready to proceed?" said the judge. 
 "Yes — hie — no — your honor," stammered the lawyer; 
 "the State is not — in a state to try this case, to-day ; the 
 State, your honor, is — drunk! " 
 
 DECORUM m THE NEVADA COURTS. 
 
 The deference usually accorded to judicial dignitaries 
 in the older sections of the country was not conspicuous in 
 the early days of Nevada, judging from a scene that 
 occurred in one of the lively towns of that region, related 
 to us by one of the pillars of the Nevada bar. 
 
 On one occasion, court having been formally opened, 
 counsel in the first case called took exceptions to the ruling 
 of the court on a certain point, and a dispute arose. 
 
 "If the court please, I wish to refer to this book a 
 moment," picking up a law-book. 
 
 " No use referring to any books; I've decided the p'int," 
 responded the court. 
 
 " But your honor ." 
 
 " Now I don't want to hear anything further on the 
 subject. I tell you I've decided the p'int." 
 
 " I tell you you are wrong," retorted the counsel. 
 
 " I am right," reiterated the court. 
 
 " I say you ain't," persisted the counsel. 
 
 " Crier! " yelled the judge, " I adjourn this court for ten 
 minutes." 
 
 And, jumping from the bench, he pitched into the coun- 
 sel, and, after a lively little fight, placed him hors du com- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 55 
 
 hat^ after which business was resumed. But soon another 
 misunderstanding arose. 
 
 "Crier!" said the court, "we will adjourn this time for 
 twenty minutes." 
 
 And he was about taking off his coat, when the counsel 
 said: 
 
 " Never mind, judge ; keep your seat. The p'int is 
 yielded. My thumb's out o' j'int, and I've sprained my 
 shoulder." 
 
 The court resumed her ermine. 
 
 REMOVING THE STATE CAPITAL. 
 
 One of the most amusing scenes in the Pennsylvania 
 Legislature occurred on a motion to remove the State capi- 
 tal from Harrisburg to Philadelphia. A matter of fact 
 member from the rural districts, who had heard of the 
 great facility with which brick houses are moved from one 
 part of a city to another, and who had not the least objec- 
 tion to the removal, rose and said: 
 
 "Mr. Speaker, I have no objection to the motion, but I 
 don't see how on airth you are going to git it over the 
 river." 
 
 A petrified negro has been found in an undertaker's gar • 
 ret at Roanoke, Miss. It is thought that he undertook the 
 study of law and became absorbed in Blackstone. 
 
 THAT'S WHY HE MEASURED IT. 
 
 In a recent case for an assault the witness was asked by 
 the counsel: 
 
 "How far were you from the parties, sir, when the 
 assault occurred?" 
 
56 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Four feet five inches and a half!''* 
 
 "Ah?" fiercely demanded the lawyer, " how'd you come 
 to be so very exact as to the distance?" 
 
 " Well, because I thought some confounded fool would 
 ask me, and so I measured it." 
 
 This shot from the camp of the enemy stopped the 
 further examination of the witness, and so he was dismissed 
 amidst a burst of laughter that fairly made the old court- 
 house shake. 
 
 Biddy (to Paty in charge about a difficulty), " Never 
 fear, Pat ! Shure y'ave got an upright jidge to thry ye ! " 
 
 Pat. "Ah, Biddy, darlin', the divil an upright jidge T 
 want ! 'Tis wan that'll lane a little ! " 
 
 WOULD RATHER BE AN ASS. 
 
 A judge and a joking lawyer were conversing about 
 the doctrine of transmigration of the souls of men into 
 animals. 
 
 "Now," said the judge, "suppose you and 1 were 
 turned into a horse and an ass, which would you prefer 
 to be?" 
 
 " The ass, to be sure," replied the lawyer. 
 "Why? "asked the judge. 
 
 " Because I have heard of an ass being a judge, but a 
 horse never." 
 
 • 
 
 THE OLDEST INHABITANT. 
 
 Several years ago there was such a tremendous freshet 
 on the Illinois River that it was for a long time referred to 
 as the "flood!" 
 
 During a law-suit in Peoria, an old man named Adam, 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 57 
 
 living in a little hamlet on the river known as Paradise, 
 was examined as a witness. 
 
 " What is your name?" was the first question asked him. 
 
 "Adam, sir," said he. 
 
 "Your name is Adam, is it? Well, where do you 
 live?" 
 
 " In Paradise, sir." 
 
 " Oh, your name is Adam, and you live in Paradise, do 
 you ? How long have you lived there ? " 
 
 " Ever since the flood, sir," replied the simple old man, 
 whose words were drowned in a roar of laughter, in which 
 the court, jury, and spectators all heartily joined. 
 
 DISPUTING THE LEGAL EXISTENCE OF A COURT. 
 
 It has been well remarked by a distinguished historian, 
 "For ways that are dark and tricks that are vain, the 
 Heathen Chinee is peculiar," and this wise aphorism must 
 be truthfully applied to the average California attorney. 
 The latter mentioned individual is wont to walk in ways 
 that are dark, whether it be hanging around the city prison 
 and "heeling the peelers" in order that they may gobble 
 up all the paying drunks and enjoy a monopoly of the 
 business of the police court, or whether it be in serving 
 summons in divorce suits upon fictitious wives and employ- 
 ing a retinue of professional swearers to rush their cases 
 through the courts and insure the payment of a fat con- 
 tingent fee. Now and then, however, as meteors are 
 sometimes seen to flash across the sky, a young attorney, 
 with ambition in his soul, will blaze across the legal firma- 
 ment, and by a brilliant stroke of genius will create con- 
 sternation in the minds of judges and spectators. A case 
 
58 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 in which one of this class figured occurred in the Municipal 
 Criminal Court last week. Mr. Blank, a young attorney of 
 the last mentioned class, appeared as counsel for a villain- 
 ous-looking Chinaman who was called to receive sentence 
 on his conviction on a charge of grand larceny. Ah 
 Shook was told to stand up, and the judge gazed upon 
 him with an eye in which there was a varied assortment 
 of stern justice and commiseration. Mr. Blank slowly 
 rose from his chair, ran his bony fingers through his 
 raven locks, and, extending his right arm in a dignified 
 and authoritative manner, signified his intention of making 
 a little speech. 
 
 "I propose," said Mr. Blank, waving his hand at the 
 assembled spectators with rare self-possession, " I propose 
 to contest the authority of this court in the matter of the 
 People of the State of California versus my worthy and 
 innocent client. Ah Shook; I propose, may it please your, 
 honor — I propose to establish the fact that this court* has 
 no authority and no legal existence, and that all its acts 
 since its assumed organization have been null and void and 
 non compos mentis^ 
 
 "Hold on, young man!" exclaimed the court, with a 
 depreciatory motion of the judicial hand, " that game won't 
 play here worth a cent. While this court has the deal, the 
 per centage remains in its favor, and you needn't think you 
 can hog the game or bust the bank. May be you think 
 you're playing it smart, but this court has had its eye- 
 teeth filed and sand-papered long ago, and all traces of 
 vegetation have been carefully extirpated from its opticular 
 organs." 
 
 ''May it please your honor," responded Mr. Blank, "I 
 have a long line of authorities to present. * Here, James, 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 69 
 
 bring in the documents.'" At these words several little 
 boys entered the court-room, bearing about fifty ponderous 
 tomes. 
 
 " Now, your honor," continued Mr. Blank, " I move that 
 the defendant be discharged on the ground that the court 
 has no legal existence." 
 
 The court adjusted its spectacles and remarked gravely: 
 " Young feller, there are times when patience ceases to be 
 a virtue." 
 
 At this juncture the deputy-sheriff stood behind the 
 attorney, ready and willing to take him by the collar and 
 throw him down stairs; the clerk, in an abstracted manner, 
 laid his hand upon a heavy glass inkstand, and the porter 
 stood at the door with a large sized broom in his hand. 
 
 " My friend," continued the court, mildly, " it is now 
 Autumn, when the cottonwoods shed their leaves and 
 nothing is green but the evergreen. But you make a — 
 ahem — a condemned mistake when you take me for an 
 evergreen. In all the experience of this court it has never 
 happened that an attorney was fool enough to request the 
 court to legislate itself out of office, and out of the per- 
 quisites and emoluments pertaining to the same. This 
 court was at first disposed to deal leniently with this 
 depraved heathen ; but in order to vindicate its authority, 
 it imposes a sentence upon your client of four years in 
 the State prison. As for your authorities, you may go 
 to — ahem — to the Supreme Court or anywhere else with 
 them. This court stands upon its dignity, sir, and if it did 
 not respect your poverty it would impose a fine of $1.50 
 upon you for contempt; but the court is magnanimous, sir. 
 You may take your hand off his collar, Mr. Sheriff. The 
 court now adjourns for refreshments." 
 
60 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 The lawyer was seen half an hour later loading up an 
 express wagon with his authorities. 
 
 A judge in Indiana threatened to fine a lawyer for con- 
 tempt of court. " I have expressed no contempt for the 
 court," said the lawyer ; "on the contrary, I have carefully 
 concealed my feelings." 
 
 SQUELCHING A LEGAL BULLY. 
 
 The following is old, and if it has been in print, it will 
 bear printing again: 
 
 There was, five and twenty years ago, an attorney named 
 Boonton. Had he been on the frontier he would have been 
 either a blood-letter or an arrant coward; but here he was 
 simply a noisy, coarse-grained bully; and his chief delight 
 was to badger and bully witnesses of the opposing counsel 
 on the stand. 
 
 One day a horse case was on trial, in which Boonton was 
 for the defendant. 
 
 By-and-by counsel for the plaintiff called a witness who 
 was supposed to be something of a horse-doctor. 
 
 He was a middle-aged, easy, good-natured man, clad in 
 homespun, whose bronzed brow and hard hands betokened 
 sweat and toil. 
 
 His testimony, which was clear, simple, and direct, made 
 things look dark for the defendant, and when Boonton got 
 hold of him, he proceeded to cro55-question him in his usual 
 brutal manner. 
 
 Said cross-examination wound up rather abruptly, as 
 follows: 
 
 "Well, now," demanded the counsel, with a tomahawk- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 61 
 
 like flourish, "what do you know about a horse, a^^way? 
 Do you really profess to be a horse-doctor f " 
 
 " No, sir, not exactly. I don't profess to be a horse-doc- 
 tor, but I know a good deal about the nater of the beast." 
 
 " That is," cried Boonton, glaring first at the witness, 
 and then smiling at the jury, nodding graciously at the 
 court, and sweeping a triumphant glance over the audi- 
 ence, " that is to say, sir, you know a horse from a jackass 
 when you see them?" 
 
 " Ah — ya-as — jes' so," returned the witness, with 
 imperturbable good humor and gravity — " between the two 
 beasts I should never take you for the horseP 
 
 For once in his life, at least, the bully was effectually 
 squelched, and amid the wild roar which followed he 
 threw himself into his seat, and allowed the witness to 
 leave the stand. 
 
 A WARM REJOINDER. 
 
 Some years ago up in Connecticut, a long, lean Yankee 
 dropped into the old Franklin hotel. The weather was 
 cold, and a knot of lawyers were in the bar-room sitting 
 around the fire, smoking, drinking, and chatting. 
 
 A young sprig spoke to him and said: 
 
 " You look like a traveler." 
 
 " Wall, I 'spose I am ; I come from Wisconsin afoot, 
 'tany rate." 
 
 " From Wisconsin ! that is quite a distance to come on 
 one pair of legs. I say, did you ever pass through the 
 ' lower regions ' in your travels?" 
 
 " Yes, sir," he answered, a kind of wicked look stealing 
 over his ugly phizmahogany, I 'ben through the out- 
 skirts." 
 
62 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " I thought it likely. Well, what is it like down there?" 
 
 *' Oh," said the Yankee, deliberately, half shutting his 
 eyes, and drawing around the corner of his mouth, "you'll 
 find it much the same as in this region — the lawyers sit 
 nighest the jire!*'^ 
 
 " I wish to ask the court," said a facetious lawyer, who 
 had been called to the witness stand to testify as an expert, 
 " if I am compelled to come into this case, in which I have 
 no personal interest, and give a legal opinion for another?" 
 
 " Yes, yes, certainly," replied the mild-mannered judge, 
 ^' give it for what it is worth." 
 
 AN AVERAGE JUROR. 
 
 Questions alternately by the court, the State's attorney, 
 and the defense, as usually answered by an "intelligent 
 juror." 
 
 "Are you opposed to capital punishment?" 
 " Oh, yes — yes, sir." 
 
 "If you were on a jury, then, where a man was being 
 tried for his life, you wouldn't agree to a verdict to hang 
 him?" 
 
 " Yes, sir — yes, T would." 
 
 " Have you formed or expressed an opinion as to the 
 guilt or innocence of the accused?" 
 "Yes, sir!" 
 
 "Your mind, then, is made up?" 
 " Oh, no — no, it ain't." 
 
 "Have you any bias for or against the prisoner?" 
 " Yes, I think I have." 
 " Are you prejudiced? " 
 " Oh, no, not a bit." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 63 
 
 "Have you ever heard of this case?" 
 " I think I have." 
 
 "Would you decide, if on the jury, according to the 
 evidence or mere rumor?" 
 " Mere rumor." 
 
 " Perhaps you don't understand ; would you decide 
 according to evidence?" 
 " Evidence." 
 
 " If it was in your power to do so, would you change 
 the law of capital punishment or let it stand?" 
 "Let it stand." 
 
 The court: "Would you let it stand or change it?" 
 " Change it." 
 
 "Now, which would you do?" 
 " Don't know, sir." 
 "Are you a freeholder?" 
 " Yes — sir, oh yes." 
 
 " Do you own a house and land, or rent? " 
 
 " Neither — I'm a boarder." 
 
 " Have you formed an opinion?" 
 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " Have you expressed an opinion ? " 
 "Think I have." 
 
 The court. "Gentlemen, I think the juror is competent. 
 It is very evident he has never formed or expressed an 
 opinion on the subject." 
 
 "What would be your notion of absent-mindedness?" 
 asked Rufus Choate of a witness whom he was cross- 
 examining. " Well," said the witness, with a strong 
 Yankee accent, "I should say that a man who thought 
 heM left his watch to hum, and took it out'n 'is pocket 
 
64 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 to see if he'd time to go hum and get it, was a leetle 
 absent-minded." 
 
 A LAW REPORT IN RHYME. 
 
 Two cousins claimed an account, each against the other, 
 and litigated very spiritedly. The case was reported as 
 " Owen Kerr vs. Owen Kerr." While this trial was in 
 progress, a prominent member of the bar, possessing a 
 decided poetical turn of mind, composed the following 
 lines on the true merits of the case, which are too good to 
 be lost, though not legitimately belonging to the regular 
 " law report : " 
 
 OWEN KERR VS. OWEN KERR. 
 
 If the strife in this case is extremely perverse, 
 
 'Tis because 'tis between a couple of "Kerrs," 
 
 Each Owen is Owen — but here lies the bother — 
 
 To determine which Owen is owin' the other. 
 
 Each Owen swears Owen to Owen is owin\ 
 
 And each alike certain, dog-matic and knowm\ 
 
 But His hoped that the jury will not be deterred 
 
 From finding which ''Kerr" the true debt has incurred; 
 
 Thus settling which Owen by owin' has failed, 
 
 And that justice 'twixt curs has not been curtailed. 
 
 A negro witness in a trial the other day was asked 
 what he was doing in a certain liquor shop at a certain 
 time. He explained that he had gone there to "change 
 his brefF." The explanation was accepted. 
 
 CURIOUS QUESTIONS. 
 
 Attorney Generals have curious law questions submitted 
 for answers. Vide the following from a State not very far 
 distant : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 65 
 
 To the Attorney General : 
 
 Dear Sur — Please releave a perplexed colecktor : 
 
 1. If a man is assessed for a dog and won't pay it, what 
 shall I do ? 
 
 2. If the dog dies after it is assessed and before it is 
 payable, must I collect it ? 
 
 3. If a man is assessed for a dog who never had a dog, 
 how shall I get rid of it ? 
 
 Every good citizen will regret to hear that the subordi- 
 nates made fun of it, and sent back the following unseemly 
 reply : 
 
 1. Make the dog pay it. 
 
 2. Yes, unless it is too far gone. 
 
 3. Tie a tin pan to its tail. 
 
 An Irishman was brought before a justice of the peace 
 on a charge of vagrancy, and was thus questioned : 
 
 " What trade are you ? " " Shure, now, your honor, an' 
 I'm a sailor." "You a seafaring man ? I question whethei 
 you have ever been to sea in your life." " Shure, now, 
 an' does your honor think I come over from Ireland in a 
 wagin ? " 
 
 A negro being asked what he was in jail for, said it was 
 for borrowing money. " But," said the questioner, " they 
 don't put people in jail for borrowing money." "Yes," 
 Baid the darkey; "but I had to knock the man down free 
 or fo' times before he would lend it to me." 
 
 A CLASSICAL JUDGE. 
 
 The late Judge Thayer, of Iowa, was a man of whom 
 many good stories are told. His classical education was 
 
 5 
 
66 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 sadly neglected. He was very severe upon prisoners, and 
 generally gave them the full penalty of the law. One time 
 he was holding court, and a man named Were was on trial 
 for murder. The name in the indictment was written 
 Wear, and a motion was made to quash the indictment on 
 that account. The prosecuting attorney objected, and 
 read the law of Idem sonans (similar sound) as applicable 
 to the case. The judge, somewhat impatient at the delay, 
 cried out : 
 
 "Exactly, sir — exactly — just so — just so. The coun- 
 sel will proceed to trial. The law of Sojians tonans applies 
 to this case ! " 
 
 PADDY'S ALIBI. 
 
 In the Court of Quarter Sessions of Schuylkill County, 
 Pennsylvania, a few years ago, a party of five unfortunate 
 Hibernians were on trial, charged with riot and assault, 
 with intent to kill. The circumstances of the affair were 
 of an aggravated character, and the interest felt in the 
 case by the friends of the accused was great. The Com- 
 monwealth had made out a strong case, and rested. The 
 defense was an alibi. 
 
 By the showing of the prosecution the riot commenced 
 after ten o'clock at night. One of the witnesses for the 
 defense, Patrick, testified that Dennis, one of the accused, 
 was at home and in bed with him, before eight o'clock on 
 the evening of the affray, and never left it until the row 
 was over — a rather improbable story of two Irishmen 
 within sound of a " nate little bit of a fight." 
 
 "How do you know that it was before eight o'clock?" 
 asked the attorney for the State. 
 
WIT AND HUMOK. 
 
 67 
 
 " Sure we had a clock in the house," promptly replied 
 Pat. 
 
 "And did the clock strike eight after Dennis came in?" 
 inquired the attorney. 
 
 " Well no; the clock wasn't shtriking at that time," said 
 Pat. 
 
 "Ah! and what was the matter with the clock?" asked 
 the attorney. 
 
 " It was out of order and not going for a few days," 
 replied the witness. 
 
 " Then, if the clock was not going, how do you know 
 that Dennis was in before eight o'clock?" 
 
 " Well^ I know that he was in before the time v^hen the 
 clock used to be shtriking eight when it did shtrike!'^'^ tri- 
 umphantly answered Patrick. 
 
 This was a clincher; poor Dennis was convicted — a 
 victim of unfortunate circumstances, one of which was the 
 ownership of a clock that didn't "sA^n^e" while the jury 
 was satisfied that the owner did. 
 
 COLONEL SPENCER'S SPOONS." 
 
 It is told of Colonel Charles Spencer, counselor at law, 
 that some years ago he had to defend one Marshall, charged 
 with larceny, and against whom there was very strong evi- 
 dence. Before the trial Spencer went to his client and 
 told him that his only chance of escape was in a plea of 
 insanity, and he advised him to play the lunatic, and to 
 answer all questions put to him with the word " spoons." 
 The day of the trial came on, and Marshall took his place 
 in the dock, pale, haggard and wild-looking. 
 
 "Guilty or not guilty?" asked the clerk. 
 
68 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "Spoons! " drawled the prisoner, with a blank stare. 
 " Come, plead guilty or not guilty," repeated the clerk. 
 " Spoons! " was the only reply. 
 
 "Pri3 ler, will you answer the question put to you, 
 or do you want to be punished for contempt?" asked the 
 judge. 
 
 " Spoons," bawled the prisoner, still unmoved. 
 
 At this point the counsel for the prisoner interfered, and 
 told the court that his client was not in a condition to be 
 put on trial, as he was evidently not responsible for his 
 actions, and it was an outrage on a free citizen, etc. 
 
 "Do you understand what is said?" asked the judge, 
 addressing the prisoner. 
 
 " Spoons," was his reply, in accents wild. 
 
 It was evident that the man was crazy, and the judge 
 ordered him discharged. He was taken charge of by his 
 friends, who were present, and left the court with them. 
 Counselor Spencer followed them, and, congratulating him 
 on his escape, suggested that it might be a good idea 
 to pay him his fee. His client stared at him with blank 
 amazement, and moved away with the simple remark, 
 " Spoons." 
 
 WANTED TO GET OFF THE JURY. 
 
 Some years ago an amusing and laughable scene occurred 
 before Judge Oakey, of New York. 
 
 Counsel were about to proceed to open a case to a jury, 
 when one of the jurymen got up and said: 
 
 " If your honor please, I'd like to get off the jury." 
 
 " You can't get off without a good excuse." 
 
 " I have a good reason." 
 
 " You must tell it, or serve," said the judge. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 69 
 
 " But, your honor, I don't believe the other jurors would 
 care to have me serve." 
 
 " Why not? out with it! " 
 "Well — " (hesitating). 
 " Go on!" 
 " I've got the itch." 
 
 " Mr. Clerk," was the witty reply, " scratch that man 
 out." It is needless to say that this was one of the most 
 mirth-provoking scenes that ever occurred in the court- 
 room. 
 
 "BUMP vs. BAKER." 
 
 At the last term of the Court of Common Pleas of Upper 
 Sandusky, Ohio, there happened to be upon the docket a 
 case of " Bump against Baker." When Judge Beer reached 
 this case upon the first call there was no answer, and the 
 judge called out to the attorney for the plaintiff: 
 
 " Mr. J , ' Bump against Baker.' " 
 
 Mr. J , who had not been paying strict attention, and 
 
 evidently not comprehending the situation, looked up and 
 said: 
 
 " Bump against him yourself^'* at which the court and 
 bar took a good laugh at his expense. 
 
 AN INTELLIGENT JUDGE — PRICE OF A COW'S TAIL. 
 
 A correspondent writing from Glenville, Kentucky, gives 
 the following particulars of a remarkable law suit: 
 
 In my last I promised to give you the particulars of the 
 Hadley-Turner cow trial. There was some trouble in pro- 
 curing a jury, as the parties could agree on no number less 
 than twelve, but our indefatigable constable soon succeeded 
 in getting the requisite number, and the trial commenced. 
 
 D 
 
70 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 It seems that Turner's dog had bitten off Hadley's cow's 
 tail, and there was a conflict in the testimony as to whether 
 the dog was acting on his own free will or whether he was 
 obeying the commands of his master. The jury would 
 have been troubled to make a verdict had it not been for 
 the very explicit instructions of his honor, the court. I 
 regret that I can not give you a verbatim copy of the 
 instructions; as it is, I can only report from a very treach- 
 erous memory. 
 
 1. The court instructs the jury that if they believe from 
 the evidence beyond the influence of a reasonable doubt, 
 plaintiff's cow's tail was bitten off by defendant's dog, they 
 should find for the plaintiff and assess his damage at such 
 sum as they think the tail was proven to be reasonably 
 worth, not to exceed the amount in the petition. 
 
 2. The court further instructs the jury that if they 
 believe from the evidence that the dog was acting on his 
 own responsibility, and not under the control of the defend- 
 ant, then the case partakes naturally of the nature of a pro- 
 ceeding in-rem^ and they must find for the defendant and 
 against the dog. 
 
 3. The court, at the instance of defendant's attorney, 
 further instructs the jury that a cow knoweth not the value 
 of a tail until she loses it, and, in assessing the damages, 
 they have a right to take into consideration all the facts 
 and circumstances in the case ; the disadvantages as well 
 as the advantages of a cow's tail; the value to the cow; the 
 information gained by the loss of the tail, and deduct said 
 sum from the total assessment. 
 
 The jury retired, and returned with a verdict in these 
 words: " We, the jury, find for the plaintiff one dollar and 
 fifty cents. Sam Potts, Foreman^ 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 71 
 
 WORKED ON THE FARM EVER SINCE HE WAS BORN. 
 
 A woman was testifying in behalf of her son, and swore 
 that he had worked on a farm ever since he was born." 
 The lawyer who cross-examined her, said: 
 " You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever 
 since he was born?" 
 "I do." 
 
 " What did he do the first year?'' 
 
 ''He milked:' 
 
 The lawyer evaporated. 
 
 An irritable and obstinate judge gave great offence to 
 
 Mr. H , by refusing attention to his argument, upon 
 
 which the lawyer, turning to a friend, observed rather 
 sharply: 
 
 "That judge has every quality of a jackass — except 
 patience." 
 
 HUMORS OF THE SCAFFOLD. 
 
 An Irishman had been convicted of a robbery at the 
 Old Bailey Sessions, London, England, for which he was 
 brought up with others, to receive judgment of death. 
 
 The prisoner, on being called on by the officer of the 
 court, in the usual way, to declare what he had to say 
 why sentence of death should not be passed upon him, 
 advanced to the front of the dock, with a vacant stare, and 
 inquired: 
 
 "What was the question?" 
 
 " You have been convicted of robbery. What have you 
 to say why sentence of death should not be passed upon 
 you according to law?" 
 
72 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Faith," answered the prisoner, " T have nothing much 
 to say, except that I do not think I am safe in your hands." 
 
 The court laughed; sentence was passed, and the pris- 
 oner was about to retire, when the officer of the court called 
 him back and demanded to know his age. 
 
 " My age you mane? " 
 
 " What is your age?" 
 
 " I believe I am pretty well as ould as ever I'll be." 
 
 Again the whole court was convulsed with laughter ; 
 but the wretched man whose mirth-provoking powers were 
 quite involuntary, was doomed even at the scaffold to " set 
 the people in a roar." In the presfr-room his irons were 
 removed, and his arms confined with cords. This being 
 done, he seated himself, and in spite of the calls of Jack 
 Ketch, and of the sheriffs, to accompany them in the pro- 
 cession to the scaffold, he remained sullenly on the bench 
 where he had taken up his position. 
 
 " Come," at last urged the hangman, " the time has 
 arrived." 
 
 But the Irishman would not move. 
 
 " The officers are waiting for you," said the sheriff. 
 " Can anything be done for you before you quit this 
 world?" 
 
 No answer was returned. Jack Ketch grew surly. 
 
 If you won't go, I must carry you," he said, 
 *'Then you may," said the prisoner, "for I'll not walk." 
 " Why not ? " inquired a sheriff. 
 
 " I'll not be instrumental to my own death," replied the 
 prisoner. 
 
 " What do you mean ? " asked the ordinary. 
 "What do I mane?" retorted the hapless man; "1 
 mane that I'll not walk to my own destruction." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 73 
 
 And in this determination he persisted, and was carried 
 to the scaffold, where he was turned off, refusing to do 
 anything which might be construed into his being a party 
 to his own death. 
 
 "All the judges of the United States courts follow the 
 
 Pennsylvania decisions as a beacon," said Mr. , 
 
 addressing the court. 
 
 " Well, then, it's no wonder," said the court, " that 
 they are so often wrecked or run ashoreP 
 
 A GOOD ONE ON THE BENCH. 
 
 One of the most amusing anecdotes ever related of the 
 legal profession, was published in the "Editor's Drawer" 
 of Harper'^s Magazine^ many years ago. It comes from 
 the interior of the Keystone State, and is told as fol- 
 lows : 
 
 " Wiggins is an Irish lawyer at our bar, an honest 
 fellow, as all lawyers are (!!!); and Prince is the prince 
 of jokers, and another of our set. They met as usual at 
 the Supreme Court. Wiggins had argued a case very 
 much to his own satisfaction, in the course of his argu- 
 ment addressing the court as gentlemen^ instead of using 
 the customary form, 'your honors.' 
 
 "After adjournment. Prince took Wiggins aside and 
 said : ' You made a great mistake in your remarks, in 
 addressing the court as gentlemen ^ the chief justice was 
 very much offended, and you had better apologize for it in 
 the morning, or your case will suffer.' Wiggins deter- 
 mined to make the matter all right. At the opening next 
 morning, he rose and said : 
 
74 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " * May it please the court, I rise to beg your honors' 
 pardon for a blunder of mine, committed yesterday. In 
 the heat of debate 1 so far forgot myself as to call your 
 honors gentlemen, I will endeavor not to make the mis- 
 take again.' 
 
 " The gravity of the bench V7as overset, and court, bar, 
 and audience applauded the Irishman." 
 
 AN ATTEMPT TO PROVE AN ALIBI. 
 
 The following took place in an attempt to prove an 
 alibi : 
 
 Attorney S. " You say that Ellis plowed for you all 
 day on the 29th of November ? " 
 
 Witness (referring to his book). " Yes." 
 S. " What did he do on the 30th? " 
 W. " He chopped wood." 
 S. "On the 31st?" 
 
 W. "That was Sunday, and he went a squirrel hunt- 
 ing." 
 
 S. " What did he do on the 32d?" 
 
 W. " He threshed the wheat on that day." 
 
 S. " What did he do on the 33d? " 
 
 W. " It was raining, and he shaved out some handles." 
 
 S. " What did he do on the 34th?" 
 
 W. " He chopped wood." 
 
 S. " What did he do on the ." 
 
 But before the question could be finished, the witness' 
 wife seized him by the collar and whisked him outside of 
 the witness box, yelling in his affrighted ear, " You old 
 fool ! don't you know that there are only thirty-one days 
 in the month of November?" 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 76 
 
 HUMOR OF JUDGE UNDERWOOD. 
 
 Judge Underwood, of Georgia, was one of the happiest 
 men of his time, and ever ready for any thing that savors 
 of the humorous. 
 
 " Don't you think," said an attorney to the judge, "that 
 Jim Pearson is the greatest liar of a lawyer that you ever 
 saw? " 
 
 "I should be sorry to say that of Brother Pearson," 
 replied his honor, " hut he certainly wrestles harder with the 
 truth than any other lawyer on the circuit." 
 
 Another good one is told of the judge : He was once 
 on his way, by rail, from Chattanooga to Atlanta, and the 
 passengers were considering what hotels they should go to 
 on their arrival. One of the party said : 
 
 "Let's go to Lloyd's; he's a Know Nothing." 
 
 " Oh," said the judge, " I shall stop at Thompson's ; he 
 knows little enough for m6." 
 
 RUFUS CHOATE SILENCED. 
 
 Mr. Choate rarely failed to show mental supremacy any- 
 where, and generally came off with flying colors from any 
 play of wit with judge, lawyer, or witness, but occasionally 
 when teasing a witness, the great lawyer found his match 
 and was silenced. Here is a case: 
 
 Choate, in an important assault and battery case at sea. 
 had Dick Barton, chief mate of the clipper ship Chal- 
 lenge, on the stand, and badgered him so for about an 
 hour, that Dick got his salt water up, and hauled by the 
 wind to bring the keen Boston lawyer under his batteries. 
 
 At the beginning of his testimony, Dick said that the 
 night was dark and rainy. 
 
76 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Suddenly Mr. Choate asked: 
 
 " Was there a moon that night?" 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Ah, yes! a moon " 
 
 " Yes, a full moon." 
 " Did you see it?" 
 "Not a mite." 
 
 " Then how do you know there was a moon?" 
 
 " The ' Nautical Almanac ' said so, and I will believe 
 that sooner than any lawyer in the world." 
 
 "What was the principal luminary that night?" 
 
 " Binnacle lamp aboard the Challenge." 
 
 "Ah! you are growing sharp, Mr. Barton." 
 
 "What in blazes have you been grinding me this hour 
 for — to make me dull?" 
 
 " Be civil, sir! And now tell me what latitude and longi- 
 tude you crossed the equator in." 
 
 " Sho — you're joking ! " 
 No, sir, I am in earnest, and I desire you to answer 
 me." 
 
 " I shan't." 
 
 "Ah! you refuse, do you?" 
 "Yes; I can't." 
 
 "Indeed! You are the chief mate of a clipper ship, and 
 are unable to answer so simple a question?" 
 
 "Yes! — 'tis the simplest question I ever had asked me. 
 Why, I thought every fool of a lawyer knew that there 
 was no latitude at the equator?" 
 
 That shot silenced the great lawyer. 
 
 " This world is all a fleeting show," said a priest to a 
 culprit on the gallows. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 77 
 
 " yes," was the prompt reply, "but if you have no objec- 
 tion I'd like to see the show a little longerc" 
 
 CAUSE AND EFFECT. 
 
 In the hearing of an Irish case for assault and battery, 
 counsel, in cross-examining one of the witnesses, asked him 
 what they had the first place they stopped at? 
 
 " Four glasses of ale," was the reply. 
 
 " Next?" 
 
 " Two glasses of whisky." 
 " Next?" 
 
 " One glass of brandy." 
 
 "Next?" 
 
 "A fight." 
 
 A KENTUCKY VERDICT. 
 
 There are ludicrous climaxes oftentimes in the oratory 
 of the pulpit — oftener in political speeches — but oftenest, 
 perhaps, in the sublime attempts of pettifoggers at the bar. 
 One of these latter, in a small town in Kentucky, pleading 
 the cause of a client who had been accused of stealing a 
 small quantity of cotton yarn, argued against the probabil- 
 ity of such a transaction — the probability, rather, of there 
 being any motive for such an act, in the following forcible 
 and highly grammatical style: 
 
 "Gentlemen of the jury! you have heard the argument, 
 you have listened patiently, and I have seen that your ears 
 was open to conwiction. And now, gentlemen of the jury, 
 I ask you, du you suppose that in the plentiful State of 
 Kentucky, where the land are plenty, and the sile am rich, 
 that my client broke into Mr. Bowding's store, and stole 
 
78 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 three hanks of cotting yarn ? Gentlemen of the jury, 1 
 'magine not ! I s'pose he didn't." 
 
 And the jury agreed with the eloquent counsel, at least 
 in part, for after they had made a joint stock company of 
 their wisdom, they brought in this verdict, influenced by 
 some personal dislike: 
 
 ''Not guilty, if he'll leave the State! " 
 
 DIDN'T GET MUCH OUT OF HIM. 
 
 The prosecuting attorney had more than his match in 
 Mr. Parks, when that witness took the stand, and the fol- 
 lowing examination took place: 
 
 Prosecuting Attorney. " Mr. Parks, state, if you please, 
 whether you have ever known the defendant to follow any 
 profession?" 
 
 Witness. " He's been a professor ever since I knew 
 him." 
 
 "Professor of what?" 
 
 " A professor of religion.'* 
 
 " You don't understand me, Mr. Parks ; what does he 
 do?" 
 
 " Generally whatever he pleases." 
 
 "Tell the jury, Mr. Parks, what the defendant follows." 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, the defendant follows the 
 crowd when they go to drink." 
 
 " This kind of prevarication, Mr. Parks, will not do 
 here. Now state what this defendant does to support 
 himself." 
 
 " I saw him last night support himself against a lamp- 
 post." 
 
 To the court, " May it please your honor, this witness 
 has shown a disposition to trifle with the court." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 79 
 
 Judge. " Mr. Parks, if you know anything about it, 
 state what the defendant's occupation is." 
 
 " Occupation, did you say ? " 
 
 Counsel. " Yes, what is his occupation ? " 
 
 " Well, if I am not mistaken, he occupies a garret 
 somewhere in town." 
 
 " That's all, Mr. Parks." 
 
 Cross-examined, " Mr. Parks, I understood you to say 
 that the defendant is a professor of religion. Does his 
 practice correspond with his profession ? " 
 
 " I never heard of any correspondence passing between 
 them." 
 
 " You said something about his propensity for drinking; 
 does he drink hard ? " 
 
 " No, I think he drinks as easy as any man I ever saw." 
 
 "You can take your seat, Mr. Parks;" and Mr. Parks 
 took his seat with the air of a man who had made a clean 
 breast of it, and told all he knew of the subject in hand. 
 
 " What brought you to prison, my colored friend ? " said 
 a Yankee to a negro. 
 
 "Two constables, sah." 
 
 "Yes, but I mean had intemperance anything to do 
 with it?" 
 
 " Yes, sah, dey was bof of 'em drunk." 
 
 TOO MUCH LEVITY. 
 
 David P. Brown, in his " Forum," has a very good story 
 to relate : 
 
 Mr. Levy applied to the court for a rule to show cause 
 why a new trial should not be granted. His application 
 was in these words : 
 
80 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "I move your honors for this rule, on the ground that 
 John Hunt was admitted as a witness for the gaining party. 
 I suppose your honors know John Hunt, Everybody 
 knows John Hunt^"* 
 
 The rule was allowed. 
 
 A LEGAL POINT. 
 
 Jesse is of the opinion that the following legal point is 
 about as important as many others, published on knotty 
 questions of the law : 
 
 A few mornings since, one of our lawyers was startled 
 from his dreams of rich clients and fat fees by a loud 
 knocking at his office door. He opened the door, when a 
 "gentleman of Africa," known as Mariposa Jack, stood 
 before him. 
 
 " Look heah, judge," said he, " I wants your 'pinion on 
 a law pint." 
 
 "Well, go on." 
 
 " S'pose a man brings some eggs to town, an' hires 
 anudder nigger to sell 'em, an' dat nigger can't do it, an' 
 he gibs 'em to me, an' I loses de money, kin he do anyting 
 wid me ? " 
 
 The learned counsel, putting on his wisest look, informed 
 him that he knew of no law to punish him. 
 
 "Yah! yah !" chuckled Jack, "I know'd he couldn't 
 in de fust place — kase de — kase de eggs was rotten, any- 
 how. Judge, when dus you want your boots blacked ? " 
 
 NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE. 
 A certain judge was once obliged to sleep with an 
 Irishman in a crowded hotel, when the following conver- 
 sation ensued : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 81 
 
 " Pat, you .would have remained a long time in the old 
 country before you could have slept with a judge, would 
 you not ? " 
 
 " Yes, your honor," said Pat ; " and I think your honor 
 would have been a long time in the ould country before 
 ye'd been a judge, too." 
 
 BLOCKHEADS. 
 When James T. Brady first opened a lawyer's office in 
 New York, he took a basement room, which had previously 
 been occupied by a cobbler. He was somewhat annoyed 
 by the previous occupant's callers, and irritated by the 
 fact that he had few of his own. One day an Irishman 
 entered. 
 
 " The cobbler's gone, I see," he said. 
 " I should think he has," tartly responded Brady. 
 "And what do ye sell ?" he said, looking at the solitary 
 table and a few law books. 
 
 " Blockheads," responded Brady. 
 
 "Be gorra," said the Irishman, "ye must be doing a 
 mighty fine business — ye hain't got but one left.'* 
 
 KETCHUM & CHEATHAM, ATTORNEYS- AT- LAW. 
 
 Isaac Ketchum and Uriah Cheatham were attorneys-at- 
 law, and everybody has heard of the sign over their 
 office-door : " Ketchum & Cheatham," which was so signifi- 
 cant of the trade that they took it down and had another 
 painted with the addition of these initials : 
 
 "I. Ketchum & U. Cheatham," which was no better. 
 It required the full names, and then the idea was very 
 clearly expressed, but it left the inference that Isaac would 
 Ketch'em and Uriah would Cheat'em. 
 
 8 
 
82 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 They finally dissolved partnership, and often did for 
 each other what they were willing to do for the public at 
 large. 
 
 WHAT HE DROVE. 
 
 A witness in court, who had been cautioned to give a 
 precise answer to every question, and not talk about what 
 he might think the question meant, was interrogated as 
 follows : 
 
 " You drive a wagon ? " 
 
 "No, sir, I do not." 
 
 " Why, sir, did you not tell my learned friend so thib 
 moment ? " 
 
 " No, sir, I did not." 
 
 " Now, sir, I put it to you on your oath, do you drive a 
 wagon ? " 
 " No, sir." 
 
 "What is your occupation, then ?" 
 "I drive a horse." 
 
 WHEREFORE HE PRAYS THAT A WARRANT 
 MAY ISSUE. 
 
 BY IRWIN RUSSELL. 
 
 Is you de Jestice ob de Peace? 1 has a little case 
 
 About a little matter, sah, dat happened on de place. 
 
 I's nuffin but a nigger, but I's feelin' all de same ; 
 
 An' de way dat Massa Henry went an' done me is a shame^ 
 
 Las' Spring I found a little chicken, runnin' in de road, 
 An' took it to de quarters, sah, an' kep' it till it growed; 
 I nebber stole it, 'kase de law says eberyting you fin' 
 Belongs to you; an' so, ob co'se, de chicken he was mine. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 83 
 
 A week dis comin* Tuesday, I was comin' from de fieP, 
 An' happen for to 'member I was out of meat an' meal ; 
 So I begins to study 'bout what I'se a-gwine to do, 
 An' thinks, says I, "Dat chicken's gettin' big enough to stew.-' 
 
 So when I reached de quarters, sah, I says unto my wife: 
 (I wouldn't tell a lie to you — no, not to sabe my life !) 
 Says T to her, " Ole 'oman ! " (you kin b'lieve me, sah, or not), 
 "Go catch dat Dominica, quick, an' put him in de pot!" 
 
 She says to me, " I tink, myse'f, dat chicken would be good ; 
 But how's I gwine to cook him, when dar ain't a bit ob wood ? " 
 Dat was de conbersation, sah, I gibs it word for word, 
 An' Chloe she kin testify dat dat was what occurred. 
 
 Says I, " Go kill dat chicken ! Don't you tink I has no sense ? " 
 An' I went to massa's wood-pile, in de corner ob de fence; 
 I looked, an' didn't see no one, nor hear nobody speak, 
 An' so I toted otF enough to do me for a week. 
 
 I wasn't stealin' when I went an' fetched de wood away, 
 For ebery stick I s'pected to return some oder day; 
 An' if a man kain't borry wood dat's layin' out ob nights, 
 I'd like for you to tell me what's de use ob swivel rights. 
 
 Well, Chloe picked de chicken, an' she soused him in de pot, 
 De fire was burn in' lively, an' de water gettin' hot. 
 When sumfin went "b-rum! b-rum! " right in de chimney-place, 
 An' all de smoke an' ashes come a-blowin' in my face. 
 
 I thought it was de debil, an' it skeered me mos' to defF, 
 De smoke it come a-puffin' so I couldn't draw my breft'; 
 De wood, de pot, de chicken, dey was scattered 'bout de floor, 
 An' me an' Chloe had important bisness at de door. 
 
 De folks dey come a-runnin' ; dere was Bob an' Pete an' Bill, 
 An' dere was Massa Henry, jes' a-laughin' fit to kill. 
 Says he, " I knowed, you rascal, you was takin' wood away, 
 An' I put a load ob powder in a crooked stick to-day!" 
 
84 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Dat's why I wants a warrant, sah; my right is all I ax; 
 An' I has lots ob witnesses to summon to de fac's. 
 I ain't gwine t'be imposed on, an' I 'peals unto de law 
 To go for Massa Henry, sah, an' fotcli him up to taw ! 
 
 " Prisoner, why did you follow this man and beat and 
 kick him so shamefully ? " 
 
 "I am sorry, your honor — I was a little drunk, and I 
 thought it was my wife." 
 
 Challenging lawyer to a colored juryman in Clinton^ 
 Louisiana : 
 
 " Do you know what a verdict is ? " 
 " iSTo, sah." 
 
 "Did you ever see one?" 
 
 " No, sah ! I nebber was at a show in my life." 
 
 HAD HIS DOUBTS ABOUT IT. 
 
 A man in North Carolina who was saved from convic- 
 tion for horse-stealing by the powerful plea of his lawyer, 
 after his acquittal by the jury, was asked by the lawyer : 
 
 "Honor bright, now. Bill, you did steal that horse, 
 didn't you?" 
 
 " Now, look a-here, judge," was the reply, " I allers did 
 think I stole that hoss, but since I hearn your speech to 
 that 'ere jury, I'll be doggoned if I a'n't got my doubts 
 ftbout it." 
 
 STRUCK HER WITH IMPUNITY. 
 
 " And now, Mrs. Sullivan," said the counsel, " will you 
 be kind enough to tell the jury whether your husband was 
 in the habit of striking you with impunity ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 85 
 
 "Wid what, sir?" 
 " With impunity." 
 
 " He wuz, sir, now and thin ; but he sthruck me ofthener 
 wid his fisht." 
 
 WOULDN'T SAY HE WAS DRUNK. 
 
 " I don't say, Mr. Judge, that the defendant was drunk. 
 No, not by no means ; but this I will say — when I last 
 seen him he was washing his face in a mud puddle, and 
 drying it on a door mat. Whether a sober man would do 
 this, in course, I can't say." 
 
 The court thought he wouldn't. 
 
 The consequence was, the " defendant " went up for 
 sixty days. 
 
 An attorney, on being called to account for having acted 
 un professionally in taking less than the usual fee from his 
 client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had. 
 
 He was thereupon honorably acquitted. 
 
 " Pay me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Mal- 
 rooney," said a village attorney. 
 " For what ? " 
 
 " For the opinion you had of me." 
 
 " Faith, I never had any opinion of you, in all my life." 
 
 A witness, in describing an event, said the person I 
 saw at the head of the stairs was a man with one eye named 
 Wilkins." 
 
 "What was the name of the other eye?" spitefully 
 asked the opposing counsel. 
 
 The witness was disgusted with the levity of the 
 audience. 
 
86 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 A CONCEITED JUDGE. 
 
 A conceited American judge went to a hotel in Switzer- 
 land, and, strutting up to the proprietor, said in an over- 
 powering manner, I want a room, the best you have, for 
 I am Judge , of New York." 
 
 " It makes no difference, sir," said the hotel keeper, " I 
 will try and treat you as well as anyone else." 
 
 A fellow stole a saw, and on his trial he told the judge 
 that he only took it as a joke. 
 
 "How far did you carry it ?" inquired the judge. 
 
 " Two miles," answered the prisoner. 
 
 " Ah ! that's carrying a joke too far," said the judge, and 
 the prisoner was sentenced to jail for three months. 
 
 AN IRISH IDEA. 
 
 A judge was once about to pronounce sentence of pun- 
 ishment on an Irishman for theft. 
 
 " And it is upon the oaths of them two witnesses yer 
 honor is going to condimn me ? " asked Pat. 
 
 " Certainly," said the judge, " their testimony was ample 
 to convince the jury of your guilt." 
 
 " Oh, murther ! " exclaimed Pat, " to condimn me on 
 the oaths of two spalpeens who swear they saw me take 
 the goods, whin I can bring forth a hundred who will 
 swear they didn't see me do it." 
 
 Judge. " Have you anything to offer to the court 
 before sentence is passed on you ? " 
 
 Prisoner. " No, judge. I had ten dollars, but my law- 
 yers took that." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 87 
 
 SHORT SPEECHES AND CURT CORRESPONDENCE. 
 
 One of our most distinguished countrymen was apt to 
 overindulge himself at public dinners, but managed, when 
 called upon, to make a speech — if a brief one. At Roch- 
 ester, New York, he once delighted the company with 
 the following : 
 
 Men of Rochester ! I am glad to see you ; and I am 
 glad to see your noble city. Gentlemen, I saw your falls, 
 which, I am told, are one hundred and fifty feet high ; that 
 is a very interesting fact. Gentlemen, Rome had her 
 Caesar, her Scipio, her Brutus ; but Rome in her proudest 
 days, had never a waterfall a hundred and fifty feet high ! 
 Gentlemen, Greece had her Pericles, her Demosthenes, 
 and her Socrates ; but Greece, in her palmiest days, never 
 had a waterfall a hundred and fifty feet high. Men of 
 Rochester, go on ! No people ever lost their liberty who 
 had a waterfall a hundred and fifty feet high ! " 
 
 On another occasion he finished up with : 
 
 " Gentlemen, there's the national debt — it should be 
 paid ; yes, gentlemen, it should be paid. I'll pay it myself. 
 How much is it ? " 
 
 This was sufficiently brief; but perhaps the shortest 
 speech ever delivered in any legislative chamber was that 
 of the member of the United States Congress, who, having 
 got out this sentence : " Mr. Speaker : The generality of 
 mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on 
 the generality of mankind in general," was pulled down 
 to his seat by a friend, with the remark : " You'd better 
 stop ; you are coming out at the same hole you went 
 in at ! " 
 
 Mr. Kendall, some time Uncle Sam's Postmaster Gen- 
 
88 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 eral, wanting some information as to the source of a river, 
 sent the following note to a village postmaster : 
 
 " Sir : This Department desires to know how far the 
 Tombigbee River runs up. Respectfully yours," etc. 
 
 By return mail came : " Sir : The Tombigbee does not 
 run up at all ; it runs down. Very respectfully yours," etc. 
 
 Kendall, not appreciating his subordinate's humor, wrote 
 again : 
 
 " Sir : Your appointment as postmaster is revoked ; you 
 will turn over the funds, etc., pertaining to your office to 
 your successor." 
 
 Not at all disturbed by his summary dismissal, the post- 
 master replied : 
 
 " Sir : The revenues of this office for the quarter end- 
 ing September 30th have been 95 cents; its expenditures, 
 same period, for tallow candles and twine, $1.05. I trust 
 my successor is instructed to adjust the balance." 
 
 His superior officer was probably as much disgusted 
 with his precise correspondent as the American editor who, 
 writing to a Connecticut brother : " Send full particulars 
 of the flood" (meaning an inundation at that place), 
 received for reply : " You will find them in Genesis." 
 
 A CORNERED LEGISLATOR. 
 
 A gentleman who occupied a seat in the upper branch 
 of the New York Legislature, but at the time was a mem- 
 ber of the Assembly, relates the following : 
 
 Perkins was as honest a man as ever set foot in Albany. 
 Money wouldn't buy him, and 1 knew it, but I thought I 
 would have a little fun with him, so I went down to his 
 room one evening and said, " Perkins, what do you think 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 89 
 
 of that underground railroad bill ? Are you going to vote 
 for it?" 
 
 "Well," said Perkins, "I haven't made up my mind 
 yet exactly. I am inclined to think it is a good bill ; but 
 why do you ask ? " 
 
 "I thought you were in favor of it," said I, "and as you 
 have concluded to vote for it, I just want to say to you that 
 the men interested in it are paying five hundred dollars for 
 votes, and as it is coming up on its final passage to-morrow, 
 you can just as well have the money as not ; you'll vote for 
 the bill anyway." 
 
 " Vote for the bill ! I'll be hanged first," cried the irate 
 Perkins. " No, sir. If improper means are being taken to 
 pass the thing, as you say, I, for one, will vote against it 
 every time. You can put me down ' no.' " 
 
 "Oh, I don't care anything about the bill," said I. "I 
 was only trying to do you a favor, and I think I can yet ; 
 for, to tell the truth, the rival companies are here in full 
 force, and are moving heaven and earth to defeat it. They 
 are paying the same amount for 'noses,' and as long as you 
 are bound to vote that way, I'll get you the five hundred 
 dollars all the same." 
 
 " Can such things be," exclaimed Perkins, rising from 
 his seat and tearing up and down the room in a whirlwind 
 of righteous wrath and virtuous indignation. "What a 
 state of things this is ! A plague on both of your houses. 
 I won't vote at all ! " 
 
 "All right," said I, "I'll get you the five hundred 
 dollars for being absent." 
 
 And as the jolly senator brought to mind the horror of 
 perplexity in which this last proposition involved old Per- 
 kins, he roared with laught^^r. 
 
90 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 THE CITIZENS' MOVEMENT. 
 
 They have a " citizens' movement " in Pittsburgh, Pa., 
 and it was all going on very smoothly till one man got up 
 in the meeting and asked : 
 
 " Ain't I nominated for mayor ? " 
 
 "No," said the meeting. 
 
 " Nor for treasurer ? " 
 No." 
 
 " Nor for controller ? " 
 "No." 
 
 " Then blam' me if I don't make it warm for the move- 
 ment, that's all ! " 
 
 FIGHTING BY PROXY. 
 
 How many Congressmen and Presidents have been made 
 by happy wounds on the battle-field ! Here is a hero with 
 new claims to fame: 
 
 When Colonel L was a candidate for Congress in 
 
 one of the Northwestern States, he was opposed by a gen- 
 tleman who had distino-uished himself in the war of 1812. 
 Discovering, in the course of the canvass that his oppo- 
 nent's military reputation was operating strongly to his own 
 prejudice, he concluded to let the people know that he was 
 not unknown to fame as a soldier himself ; and accordingly, 
 in his next speech, he expatiated on his achievements in 
 the tented field, as follows : 
 
 " My competitor has told you of the services he ren- 
 dered the country in the last war. Let me tell you that 
 I, too, acted an humble part in that memorable contest. 
 When the tocsin of war summoned the chivalry of the 
 West to rally to the defense of the national honor, I, fellow- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 91 
 
 citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit which glows in 
 every American bosom, hired a substitute for that war^ and 
 the bones of that man now lie bleaching on the banks of 
 the Haisin!^^ 
 
 As Colonel L was elected by a large majority, it 
 
 is to be presumed that his constituents properly appre- 
 ciated the glory of fighting and dying by proxy. 
 
 HUMORS OF POLITICS. 
 
 GEORGE A. SHERIDAN'S AMUSING ACCOUNT OP HOW HE FAILED TO 
 GET THE NEW ORLEANS INSPECTORSHIP. 
 
 In a speech at Toledo, in discussing the question of 
 civil service reform, Mr. Sheridan convulsed the house by 
 the following statement of his effort to secure an office: 
 
 " I did not see how it was possible (and I tried very hard 
 to see) for Mr. Hayes to make a success of his adminis- 
 tration, especially in his Southern policy, unless I was 
 appointed Collector of Customs at New Orleans. I knew 
 there would be a new collector appointed, because Presi- 
 dent Hayes told me so. He did me the further honor of 
 asking who, in my judgment, would be the best man for 
 the place. To me this was a somewhat delicate question, 
 and I asked time for reflection, which he very cheerfully 
 gave me (and, by-the-by, that is the* only thing he has 
 given me up to date). [Uproarious laughter.] 
 
 " I knew how important the Collector of New Orleans 
 was to the business interests of the city. I felt the govern- 
 ment should have a man of integrity in the place, who 
 should also be of good moral character, as well as of more 
 than average ability. I knew the collector should be a 
 representative man and a Republican. I spent two or 
 
92 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 # 
 
 three days in prayerful deliberation upon the question, and 
 at last reluctantly came to the conclusion that, perhaps, al) 
 things considered, I came nearer filling the bill than an^ 
 other man in the State who was likely to be appointed. 
 [Shouts and cheers.] I was deeply anxious for the business 
 interests of the city. I had no doubt of my integrity. 
 [Laughter.] My moral character was — well, it was as 
 fair a moral character as a somewhat tropical man could 
 develop in a very tropical country. As for ability, I knew 
 I possessed that ; upon this point I was unanimous ; I 
 might possibly have had a shadow of a doubt upon some 
 other questions, but upon this point I was solid. [Great 
 laughter.] I knew I was a representative man, for I had 
 once served in Congress with great satisfaction to my con- 
 stituents. It is true I did not serve long, but that was not 
 my fault. I would have been serving the State yet if the 
 people had elected me. [Cheers and laughter.] I was 
 elected for two years ; I had a hard contest for my seat ; it 
 was finally awarded me about four hours before the final 
 adjournment of the Congress to which I had been accred- 
 ited. I hadn't much time to make a record, but I worked 
 hard ; I voted on both sides of every bill that came up ; I 
 yelled ' Mr. Speaker ! ' every chance I had ; I called one 
 member a liar, and told another he was a fool ; I put my 
 boots on my desk, spit tobacco- juice on the floor, ogled the 
 ladies in the galleries, went into innumerable committee- 
 rooms to take a look at the documents, borrowed some 
 money, and went home. [Long continued laughter.] Con-, 
 sidering tlie time I had, I made a pretty good 'average 
 member record.' Several people told me they actually 
 took me for an old member. [Great laughter.] 
 
 " Considering all things, I think you will agree with me 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 93 
 
 that I was but doing my duty to my country in consenting 
 to take the Collectorship of New Orleans. I stated the 
 result of my reflections to the President. The manner in 
 which he received my suggestions was happy and cordial 
 (he is a very cordial man). He promised to make out at 
 once the commission of the Collector of New Orleans. He 
 did so, but by some strange oversight he commissioned a 
 man 1 had never thought of in connection with the office. 
 [Loud laughter.] Do you blame me for thinking the 
 administration a failure ? The solid earth seemed to slip 
 from under me. I felt the Republic was gone — clean 
 gone. In the distress of my soul I cried out, ' Is this what 
 I made one hundred and twenty-seven Republican speeches 
 for in the last campaign V Or, to state it more correctly, 
 the same speech one hundred and twenty-seven times 
 [Immense laughter.] Can this government go on if I am 
 left out ? Alas, poor country ! who will care for you now 
 that I am banished by the edict of a tyrant, and can have 
 no chance to sustain you, to say nothing of sustaining 
 myself ? I stated something of this kind to Mr. Hayes ; 
 my words moved him — moved him to console me, moved 
 him to advise me. He advised me either to 'pull down my 
 vest' or to 'go west' [long continued Ipughter], which, 
 owing to the excitement I was laboring under at the time 
 of the interview, I can not certainly remember; but it was 
 one or the other, and (as he is known to be a liberal man) 
 perhaps it was both. My first impulse, after listening to 
 t-he consoling words of the President, was to go and take 
 a — a stroll. I did; I took three or four. They braced 
 me up; I felt better. [Laughter.] 
 
 " Nothwithstanding I am not Collector of Customs in 
 New Orleans, the government still runs on, the revenues 
 
94 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 are collected, and the Republican party lives. I have 
 reluctantly come to the conclusion that I am not absolutely 
 essential to the maintenance of a republican form of gov- 
 ernment upon this continent. [Cheers and laughter.] That 
 there are men as well qualified to administer an office as I 
 am, that the President, being responsible to the nation for 
 the acts of his appointees, should be allowed the largest 
 latitude in their selection, and that good sense and true 
 patriotism should convince me that in declining to give me 
 the position I asked, the President acted for what he felt 
 and believed to be the best interests of the country. My 
 fellow citizens, those of you who, like myself, have been 
 disappointed in your aspirations and ambitions, will, I 
 think, upon calm reflection, reach in your cases the same 
 conclusion I have reached in mine." 
 
 We have never seen an audience more thoroughly con- 
 vulsed with merriment than during the delivery of the 
 above. Sheridan looked, while he was talking, like the 
 personification of injured innocence, and seemed to think 
 it strange that the audience found anything to laugh at 
 in what he was saying. To him, losing the office was evi- 
 dently a serious thing. 
 
 The peroration of the speech was a magnificent burst 
 of eloquence, and as elegant and elaborate a compliment 
 as the orator could possibly have paid the great State 
 of Ohio. He mentioned a long list of distinguished men 
 whom Ohio has given to the country, pronouncing a brief, 
 but most appropriate eulogy on the life and character of 
 each. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 95 
 
 . A. H. STEPHENS. 
 
 A. H, Stephens is said to weigh but seventy -four 
 pounds ; yet, he was always considered in the South as a 
 man of weight. 
 
 This gentleman once severely worsted a gigantic West- 
 ern opponent in debate. 
 
 The big fellow, looking down on Stephens, burst out, 
 " You ! — why, I could swallow you — whole." 
 
 "If you did," answered the latter, "you would have 
 more brains in your bowels than ever you had in your 
 head." 
 
 HAD THEIR EYES OPEN. 
 
 A large Republican meeting was held in Clermont, 
 Ohio, which was attended by a small boy who had four 
 young puppy dogs which he offered for sale. Finally one 
 of the crowd, approaching the boy, asked : 
 
 " Are these Hayes pups, my son ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Well then," said he, " I'll take these two." 
 
 About a week afterward the Democrats held a meeting 
 at the same place, and among the crowd was to be seen the 
 same chap and his two remaining pups. He tried for hours 
 to obtain a purchaser, and finally was approached by a 
 Democrat and asked : 
 
 " My little lad, what kind of pups are these you have ?" 
 
 " They're Tilden pups, sir." 
 
 The Republican, who had purchased the first two, hap- 
 pened to be in hearing, and broke out at the boy : 
 
 " See here, you young rascal, didn't you tell me that 
 those pups that I bought of you last week were Hayes 
 pups ? " 
 
96 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Y-e-s, sir," said the young dog merchant ; " but these 
 ain't — they'^m got their eyes open ! " 
 
 HE WAS AS WISE AS AN OWL. 
 
 Many years ago there was considerable excitement and 
 feeling respecting a senatorial election in Savannah. The 
 Democratic candidate was Judge McAllister, a man emi- 
 nent both at the bar and the forum. His opponent (Whig) 
 was a wealthy merchant of German extraction, who had 
 but little to say. The Whigs were successful, and Snider 
 was elected. At the expiration of the term, the same 
 parties were again in the field. At a Democratic meeting, 
 Mr. Millan, a witty Irish lawyer and stump speaker, was 
 advocating the claims of Judge McAllister, when he intro- 
 duced the following excellent story : 
 
 "Once upon a time a countryman of his wished to 
 purchase a parrot ; a friend offered to sell him a bird, 
 remarking that it was quite young and had not yet learned 
 to speak, but if he would take pains with it, he could 
 teach it almost anything. So the bargain was concluded. 
 Pat bought the bird and carried it home. Some years 
 afterward, meeting his friend, he asked how the bird came 
 on. Pat replied that ' it had not learned to spake yet, but 
 had done a dale of thinkin'!'" Mr. Millan then said the 
 bird was an owl ; and so it was with Mr. ?^nider. He had 
 been two years in the Senate, and had not ye. spoken, but 
 no doubt had done a dale of thinking." 
 
 LOUDER, LORD ! LOUDER ! 
 
 The late Tom Marshall, of Kentucky, was a noble, 
 good-hearted fellow, and brimful of sparkling humor that 
 never failed to amuse even his political opponents. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 97 
 
 One time he was speaking to a large gathering in Buf- 
 falo, when some one present, every few moments, kept 
 shouting, " Louder ! louder ! " 
 
 Tom stood this for a while, but at last, turning gravely 
 to the presiding officer, he said : " Mr. Chairman : At the 
 last day, when the angel shall, with his golden trumpet, 
 proclaim that time shall be no longer ; when the quick and 
 dead shall appear before the Mercy Seat to be judged, I 
 doubt not, sir, that the solemnity of that solemn and awful 
 scene will be interrupted by some drunken fool from Buf- 
 ■^alo, shouting, " Louder, Lord ! louder ! " 
 
 Another exceedingly funny story is told of Mr. Mar- 
 shall : 
 
 At a political meeting, Tom began his speech and had 
 made but little progress before he was assailed with a tor- 
 rent of abuse by a big Irishman in the crowd. Not at all 
 disconcerted, Tom yelled out at the top of his voice : 
 
 " Be jabbers, that's mc fren', Pat Murphy, the man that 
 spells God with a little ' g ' and Murphy with a big ' M ! ' " 
 
 This floored Pat, amidst roars of laughter, 
 
 CANDIDATES AND DOGS. 
 
 The innumerable candidates in the field in this country, 
 and their itinerant system of " button - hole " canvassing 
 have called to mind an anecdote we heard when a boy. A 
 gentleman accosted a red-haired boy, in the vicinity of a 
 country barn, who was building bake - ovens " in the 
 mud, with, " I say, boy, where's your father ? " The boy 
 happened to have an impediment in his speech, and 
 replied : " Wha-wha-what ? " 
 " Where's your father ? " 
 Whe-whe-why he-he's down at the cree-creek bu- 
 
98 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 burying of Tow-Tow-Towser. The da-da-da-darned old 
 foo-fool, he barked hisself to death at the can-can-candi- 
 dates ; sa-say, be you one of them fe-fellers ? " 
 
 Sir,'' said a Yankee, " you promised to vote for my 
 bill." 
 
 "Veil," said the Dutch member, " vat if I did 
 " Well, sir, you voted against it." 
 "Veil, vat if I did?" 
 " Well, sir, you lied ! " 
 "Veil, vat if I did?" 
 
 "Can there be anything brought into this House?" 
 asked a disgusted member during the last session of the 
 Legislature, "that will not be repealed sooner or later ?" 
 
 One of the opposition suggested, "Yes, a skinned 
 orange." 
 
 Said a member of Congress from Ohio to a New Yorker, 
 who was trying to tell him something about hogs : " You 
 can't tell me anything about hogs. I know more about 
 hogs than you ever dreamt of. I was brought up among 
 hogs." 
 
 MR. HEISTRY ! 
 
 At a political meeting, the speaker and audience were 
 v^ery much disturbed by a man who constantly chilled for 
 Mr. Henry. Whenever a new speaker came on, this man 
 bawled out, " Mr. Henry ! Henry ! Henry ! I call for Mr. 
 Henry ! " 
 
 After several interruptions of this kind at each speech, 
 a young man ascended the platform, and was soon airing 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 99 
 
 his eloquence in magnificent style, striking out powerfully 
 in his gestures, when the old cry was heard for Mr. Henry. 
 
 Putting his hand to his mouth like a speaking-trumpet, 
 this man was bawling out at the top of his voice, " Mr. 
 Henry! Henry! Henry! I call for Mr. Henry to make a 
 speech ! " 
 
 The chairman now arose, and remarked that it would 
 oblige the audience if the gentleman would refrain from 
 any farther calling for Mr. Henry, as that gentleman was 
 now speaking. 
 
 "Is that Mr. Henry? "said the disturber of the meeting. 
 "Thunder! that can't be Mr. Henry! Why, that's the 
 little cuss that told me to holler." 
 
 " You can not keep me down," shouted a somewhat windy 
 orator at a public meeting; "though I may be pressed 
 below the waves I rise again ; you will find that I come to 
 the surface, gentlemen." 
 
 " Yes," said an old whaler in the 'audience, " you come 
 to the surface to blow." 
 
 JOB BOWLING'S FUNERAL. 
 
 Many years ago I was one of a party in "Washington 
 City, when North and South vied with each other in con- 
 vivial life. Another of the party was General Dawson, 
 member from Western Pennsylvania, whose homestead was 
 Albert Gallatin's old home. Pie was an admirable story- 
 teller. I recall somewhat sadly now that he is gone, how 
 well he illustrated the laziness of a class of Virginians. 
 The story was a part of his Congressional canvassing. On 
 one occasion he got across the Pennsylvania line into a 
 little village of Virginia. He was in the midst of a group 
 
100 
 
 W*1T AND HUMOR. 
 
 around the tavern. While treating and talking, a proces- 
 sion approached, which looked like a funeral. He asked 
 who was to be buried. 
 
 ''Job Dowling," said they. 
 
 " Poor Job ! " sighed the general. " He was a good- 
 natured, good-for-nothing, lazy fellow, living on the few 
 fish he caught and the squirrels he killed, but mostly on 
 the donations of his neighbors." 
 
 ''So, poor Job is dead, is he?" 
 
 " No, he ain't dead 'xactly," said they. 
 
 " Not dead — not d — Yet you are going to bury him ? " 
 
 "Fact is, general, he has got too infernal all -fired lazy 
 to live. We can't afford him any more. He got so lazy 
 that the grass began to grow over his shoes — so everlastin' 
 lazy that he put out one of his eyes to save the trouble of 
 winkin' when out a gunnin'." 
 
 " But," says the general, " this must not be. It will dis- 
 grace my neighborhood. Try him a while longer, can't 
 you ? " 
 
 " Can't ; too late — coffin cost $1.25. Must go on now." 
 
 About this time the procession came up and halted, 
 when the general proposed, if they would let Job out, he 
 would send over a bag of corn. On this announcement the 
 lids of the coffin opened, and Job languidly sat up. The 
 cents dropped from his eyes as he asked : 
 
 "Is the corn shelled, general ? " 
 
 " No, not shelled." 
 
 "Then," said Job, as he lazily lay down, "go on with 
 the funeral." 
 
 General Butler tells of a civil service candidate writing 
 against the question, "What is the distance of the sua 
 
WIT HUMOR. 
 
 101 
 
 from the earth ? " that he couldn't tell the exact distance, 
 but he didn't think it was near enough to interfere with 
 his duties as postoffice clerk. 
 
 A MODEL SPEECH. 
 
 The following speech is commended to the careful study 
 of all candidates before the people. It was delivered in 
 Illinois, by a candidate for the legislature, is brief and pithy, 
 and the man who delivered it was elected as he deserved 
 to be : ' 
 
 " Fellow citizens : I am no speech - maker, but what I 
 say I'll do. I've lived among you for twenty years, and if 
 I've shown myself a clever fellow, you know it without a 
 speech ; if I'm not a clever fellow, you know that too, and 
 wouldn't forget it with a speech. I'm a candidate for the 
 legislature ; if you think I'm the clear grit, vote for me ; 
 
 if you think Major R of a better stripe than I am, 
 
 vote for him. The fact is, either of us will make a tip top 
 representative. 
 
 A THUMPING BIG BABY. 
 
 Mistakes are made by the best of men. Mr. Jones was 
 
 running for Congress in the western district of , many 
 
 years ago, and while filling his round of appointments, 
 made a speech at the close of which, by way of commend- 
 ing himself to the "bone and sinew," the regular "sov- 
 ereigns " of the country, he told the people that he was 
 a self-made man of "obscure birth and humble origin;" 
 that, in fact, he was sprung from the " very dregs of the 
 people." 
 
 " Why, fellow - citizens," said he, warming up and ele- 
 vating his voice, " my parf^nts were so poor that when I 
 
102 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 was eighteen years old my mother used to have to tie me 
 to the bed-post, to keep me from falling into the fire, when- 
 ever she went to the spring for a pail of water ! " 
 
 Of course he intended to say eighteen months. The 
 
 Hon. , now in the United States Senate, and at 
 
 that time running for the legislature, was present and 
 cried out : 
 
 " Ah ! Jones, Jones, what a thumping baby you must 
 have been ! " 
 
 It is said that the unfortunate speaker broke down at 
 once, amidst the jeers of the crowd. 
 
 MARSHALL AND PERKINS. 
 
 A Kentucky correspondent says — and probably he is 
 right about it — that Tom Marshall is now made the father 
 of all the good hits that have been made in that region for 
 half a century past, and then he tells the following : 
 
 "General Perkins and Tom Marshall were canvassing 
 the State in a hotly - contested election. The general was 
 a roaring Democrat, and by way of catching the flats, was 
 fond of boasting that his father was a cooper by trade in an 
 obscure part of the State. The great failing of the general 
 was his fondness for old whisky, but the more he drank the 
 more of a Democrat he became, and the prouder of being 
 the son of a cooper. Of this fact he had been making the 
 most, when Marshall, in replying to his speech, looked at 
 him with great contempt, and said : 
 
 " Fellow-citizens, his father may have been a very good 
 cooper — I don't deny that ; but I do say, gentlemen, he 
 put a mighty poor head into that whisky barrel ! " 
 
 The politician who recently ^^fell in the estimation of 
 the public," is now trying to crawl up again. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR 
 
 103 
 
 GEORGE WASHINGTON. 
 
 One day, in a fit of abstraction, the juvenile George cut 
 down Bushrod's favorite cherry tree with a hatchet. His 
 purpose was to cut — and run. 
 
 But the old gentleman came sailing round the corner of 
 the barn just as the future Father of his Country had 
 started on the retreat. 
 
 " Look here, sonny," thundered the stern old Virginian, 
 " who cut that tree down ? " 
 
 George reflected a moment. There wasn't another boy 
 or another hatchet within fifteen miles. Besides, it occurred 
 to him that to be virtuous is to be happy. Just as Wash- 
 ington senior turned to go in and get his horsewhip, our 
 little hero burst into tears, and, nestling among his father's 
 coat-tails, exclaimed, "Father, I can not tell a lie. It 
 must have been a frost." 
 
 A Mississippi man puts it thus: "At the earnest solici- 
 tation of those whom I owe money I have consented to 
 become a candidate for county treasurer." 
 
 A WISCONSIN JOKER. 
 
 Bill S , the chairman of the Champion Lecture 
 
 Association, in Stevens Point, Wis., is the joker of the 
 Northwest. He is not a joke-teller, but a joke -perpetrator, 
 for he stammers so that it is almost impossible for any one 
 to understand him. 
 
 Last week Bill disappeared from the Point, and this 
 week the villagers heard of him down at Madison, the 
 State capital. He was getting some kind of a bill through 
 the Legislature. 
 
104 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 What is the nature of the bill you're getting through?" 
 I asked of Mr. S this morning. 
 
 It ain't a bi-bi-bill at all, Mr. Perkins ; it's an amend- 
 ment to the Con -Con-Con -Constitution," stammered Mr. S. 
 
 " What's the nature of the contemplated amendment ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " Why, I w-w-want the d-d-dang thing amended because 
 it's a 1-lie, sir ! " 
 
 " What ! the Wisconsin Constitution a lie ? Why, what 
 is wrong ? " I exclaimed in surprise. 
 
 " Well, the Con-Constitution guarantees to every man 
 fr-fr-free sp-sp-speech, don't it ? " 
 
 " Yes, the Constitution guarantees free speech to every 
 citizen in Wisconsin, I believe." 
 
 "Well, do-do-dog on it, then I wa-wa-want fr-fr-free 
 sp-sp-speech, or I want the d-d-dang thing ch-ch-changed ! " 
 exclaimed Bill. 
 
 AK AMUSING SCENE. 
 
 At a Democratic meeting held in a neighboring city it 
 was deemed that a good thing to do would be to have a 
 barbecue. The subject was referred to a committee, who 
 reported favorably and recommended that it be held on 
 Friday week. 
 
 Upon the announcement of the date, an excited Irish- 
 man jumped to his feet and exclaimed : 
 
 " Mr. Prisident ! I'd have ye to understand, sur, that 
 the great heft of the Dimmicratic party don't ate mate on 
 Friday ! " 
 
 Patrick put this undeniable fact in a very concise and 
 pointed way. He couldn't have done it better. 
 The barbecue was not held ^ Friday. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 105 
 
 DISCONCERTING A STUMP SPEAKER. 
 
 It is astonishing how a little matter will sometimes dis- 
 concert a man who has been accustomed to speaking in 
 public, and to have his thoughts about him and ready at 
 command on almost all occasions. 
 
 " I was once opening a speech from the stump," said 
 a distinguished Western political orator, "and was just 
 beginning to warm with my subject, when a remarkably 
 clear and deliberate voice spoke out behind me, saying : 
 
 "'Reckon he wouldn't talk quite so hifalutin if he 
 knew that his trowsers was bu'st clean out behind.' 
 
 " From that moment I couldn't get on. The people in 
 front began to laugh, and there was a loud roar behind me, 
 and I dared not reverse my position for fear of having a 
 new audience for my condition." 
 
 There was nothing like innuendo in Vhe remark of an 
 outspoken member of a Western legislature : 
 
 " Mr. Speaker," said he, " I would just like to know 
 how long that blackguard is to go on boring me to death 
 with his speech ? " 
 
 A CAPITAL HIT. 
 
 A number of politicians, all of whom were seeking 
 office, were scattered on the tavern porch talking, when 
 an old toper, named D , came upon them. 
 
 The said D is a person who is ever loquacious when 
 
 "corned," but exactly the opposite when sober. At the 
 present time, being " tight," he said if the company had no 
 objections he would tell them a story. They told him tp 
 " fire away," when he spoke as follows : 
 
 "A certain king had a philosopher, upon whose judg- 
 
106 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 ment he always depended. Now, it so happened that one 
 day the king took it into his head to go a-hunting, and, 
 making all his necessary preparations, he summoned his 
 philosopher and asked him if it would rain. The phi- 
 losopher told him it would not, and he and his nobles 
 departed. 
 
 "While journeying along, they met a countryman 
 mounted on a jackass ; he advised them to return, * for,' 
 said he, ' it will certainly rain.' They smiled contempt- 
 uously upon him and passed on. Before they had gone 
 many miles, however, they had reason to regret not hav- 
 ing taken the rustic's advice, as a heavy shower came up 
 and they were drenched to the skin. When they returned 
 to the palace, the king reprimanded the philosopher severely 
 for telling him it would be clear when it was not. 
 
 " ' I met a countryman,' said he, ' and he knows a great 
 deal more than you, for he told me that it would rain, 
 whereas you told me that it would not.' 
 
 " The king then gave his philosopher his walking papers, 
 and sent for the countryman. 
 
 " ' Tell me,' said the king, ' how you knew it would rain ? ' 
 
 " ' I did not know,' said the rustic, ' my jackass told me.' 
 
 "'And how, pray, did he tell you?' asked the king in 
 astonishment. 
 
 " ' By pricking up his ears, your majesty.' 
 
 " The king now sent the countryman away ; procuring 
 the jackass, he placed the jackass in the office the philoso- 
 pher had filled. And here," observed D , "here is 
 
 where the king made a mistake." 
 
 " How so," asked the auditors. 
 
 "Why, ever since that time," said D , "every jack- 
 ass in the country has been running after office." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 107 
 
 DER GANDIDATE. 
 
 Wlio shtands der streets and gorners around 
 Mit selrel agzes to be ground, 
 Und shmiled, und bowed, und nefer frowned ? 
 Der Gandidate. 
 
 Who hold your hand ven you would start, 
 Und told you you was mighty shmart, 
 Und how he luved you mit his heart ? 
 Der Gandidate. 
 
 " I stand upon the soil of freedom ! " cried a stump 
 orator. 
 
 " No, you don't," exclaimed his shoemaker, " you stand 
 in a pair of boots that have never been paid for." 
 
 INTELLIGENCE AND REFORM. 
 
 " I say, Dinnis, d'ye see this bit ov paper I have here ? " 
 "I do, Moichael. Rade it for me." 
 
 " Divil a worrud ov it can I rade at all, only I know it's 
 my naturalization papers, an' that I belong to the party, 
 body an' sowl, an' that I'm towld to vote as many times as 
 I kin on 'lection day, for our party manes reform." 
 
 TOO IGNORANT TO VOTE. 
 
 A very dirty, debased and ignorant - looking man came 
 in to vote in a township in Michigan. Said one of the 
 ladies, offering him a ticket : I wish you would oblige 
 us by voting this ticket." 
 
 " What kind of a ticket is that ?" said he. 
 
 " Why," said the lady, " you can see for yourself." 
 
 " But 1 can't read," he answered. 
 
108 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Why, can't you read the ballot you have there in your 
 hand, which you are about to vote ? " asked the lady. 
 
 "No," said he, "I can't read at all.'' 
 
 " Well," said the lady, " this ballot means that you are 
 willing to let the women, as well as the men, vote." 
 
 " Is that it ? " he replied ; then I don't want it ; the 
 women don't know enough to vote." 
 
 LIKE THE FINAJSrCIAL MOVEMENT. 
 
 "Well, and how did you enjoy your dinner ?" asked a 
 passenger of another on a European steamer, the first day 
 out. 
 
 " Don't mention it," said the other, feelingly ; " don't 
 mention it. It's a good deal like the financial question in 
 Congress." 
 
 "How's that?" 
 
 "Why, it's apt to come up at any moment." 
 
 An orator lately said to his audience : 
 
 "I am speaking for the benefit of posterity," when 
 some one shouted: 
 
 "Yes, and if you don't get through soon, they'll be 
 here ! " 
 
 DISSOLVING THE UNION. 
 
 Lieutenant-Governor Ford was addressing a political 
 gathering before the late civil war, and related, in his own 
 inimitable way, the following capital story : 
 
 " Dissolve the Union ! " said Ford ; " I should like to see 
 them attempt to dissolve the Union. Why, this silly cry 
 reminds me of an Irishman who went down into a well to 
 clean it out. When he was through, he made the signal 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 109 
 
 to be hauled up. His companions, who were determined to 
 have a joke at his expense, hauled him up about half way 
 and then stopped. There he hung — no way to get up — 
 no safe way to get down, if that were desirable. He 
 begged and entreated, but it was of no use. He stormed 
 and raved, but it did no good. At last he sung out : 
 
 " ' Haul it out, ye spalpeens, or, by the piper that played 
 before Moses, I'll be after cuttin' the rope ! ' 
 
 " Let them cut the rope, if they like the plunge," was 
 Ford's application of the story. 
 
 Excited orator. " We have taken Atlanta, we have 
 taken Savannah, Columbus, Charleston, and now at last 
 we have captured Petersburg and occupy Richmond; and 
 what remains for us to take ?" 
 
 An Irishman in the crowd shouts, " Let's take a drink !" 
 
 The crowd disperses in various directions. 
 
 Twenty-five years ago a Missouri boy left his home and 
 started out to become President of the United States. He 
 got as far as Cincinnati. The boy is now a man, and is 
 also one of the best shoemakers in the Ohio State Prison. 
 
 INTERVIEWING THE PRESIDENT. 
 
 Petroleum V. Nasby writes that he had an interview 
 with the President recently, which terminated thus : 
 
 " Is ther any little thing I kin do fer you ? " sez he. 
 
 " Nothin' partickler. I wood accept a small post-orfis, 
 if sitooated within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle 
 daze is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party 
 wunst more in the assendency ; let these ize wunst more 
 behold the Constitooshun ez it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, 
 
110 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the 
 mantel uv private life around me, and go in2 delirium 
 tremens happy ; I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and 
 yaller leef. These whitnin' locks, them sunkin cheeks, 
 warn me that age and whisky hev dun ther pufFek wurk, 
 and that I shell soon go hents. Hayes, scorn not my 
 words. I hev sed. Adoo." 
 
 " 1 rise for information," said a member of the legis' 
 lative body. 
 
 " I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, " for no. 
 man needs it more." 
 
 SIR BOYLE ROCHE'S BULLS. 
 
 Sir Boyle Roche was an Irish baronet, who had a seat in 
 Parliament and was the droll and humor of the House. 
 
 He was famous for bulls, in which, though the expres- 
 sion might be incorrect, generally involved aphorisms of 
 sound sense. 
 
 Once, when it was stated, on a money grant, that it was 
 unjust to saddle posterity with a debt incurred to benefit 
 the present. Sir Boyle rose and said : 
 
 " Why should we beggar ourselves to benefit posterity ? 
 What has posterity done for us?" The laugh which fol- 
 lowed rather surprised him, as he was unconscious of his 
 blunder. He explained : 
 
 " Sir, by posterity 1 do not mean our ancestors, but those 
 who come immediately after them,'''' 
 
 On another occasion, in 1794, when the leather tax was 
 being debated in the House, Mr. Vandeclure said : 
 
 " The tax on leather will be severely felt by the hare- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Ill 
 
 footed peasantry of Ireland." To which Sir Boyle replied 
 that "this can be very easily remedied, by making the 
 under leather of wood." 
 
 He also assisted in preparing a bill to provide for the 
 erection of a new jail in Dublin, and stated that the new 
 prison should be built on the site and with the materials of 
 the old one, and that the prisoners should continue to reside 
 in the old prison until the new one was completed. 
 
 And it was he who said : " Single misfortunes never 
 come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is 
 generally followed by a much greater." 
 
 Fearing the progress of revolutionary opinions, Sir 
 Boyle drew a frightful picture of the future, remarking 
 that the House of Commons might be invaded by ruffians 
 who, said he : " would cut us to mince meat and throw our 
 bleeding heads on that table, to stare us in the face." 
 Here, as in most of his bulls, the idea is fully conveyed, 
 but, in the hurry of clothing the thought with language, 
 the mode of expression is incorrect, and such is that 
 amusing thing, an Irish bull. 
 
 On another occasion Sir Boyle was arguing for the 
 Habeas Corpus Suspension Bill in Ireland : " It would 
 surely be better, Mr. Speaker," said he, "to give up not 
 only a part^ but, if necessary, even the whole of our Con- 
 stitution, to preserve the remainder P'' 
 
 And when writing home to a friend during the Irish 
 Rebellion of 1798, he said : " To give you some idea of 
 the danger we are in, I will only say that while I am 
 writing this letter I have a sword in one hand and a 
 pistol in the other." 
 
 9 
 
112 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 BULLS AND BLUNDERS. 
 
 The Irish have achieved a great celebrity in the matter 
 of bulls and blunders. By the uninitiated these are terms 
 which are constantly confounded ; but, when they are 
 looked into, it will be seen there is the greatest difference 
 between them. Blundering arises from stupidity, and the 
 stupid are a race who are found all over the world ; but the 
 bull — a peculiarity that belongs exclusively to Ireland — 
 is always connected with thought, and originates in the 
 imaginative power of its people. It is not at all a dull 
 absurdity which no one can comprehend — it is always 
 comprehensible, even when it is most confused. It pro- 
 ceeds, not from the want, but the superabundance of ideas, 
 which crowd on each other so fast in an Irishman's 
 brain that they get jammed together, so to speak, in the 
 doorway of his speech, and can only tumble out in their 
 ordinary disorder. 
 
 Confusion may, indeed, be called a national character^ 
 istic. It pervades all Irish history. If the stream of the 
 latter in early days has its gleams of bright tranquility, 
 sorely troubled does it become as it descends the steeps 
 of Time, till, as it flows on in later ages, it encounters 
 obstructions, political and religious, which give it a turmoil 
 and perplexity that we can not survey without deploring. 
 As with the affairs of unhappy Ireland, so has it ever been 
 with its peasantry. Public and social disorders have com- 
 municated a jar to the brains of Pat ; and, if he can be 
 accused now and then of being a little erratic in his say- 
 ings and doings, he can at least console himself by pointing 
 to a long historical authority. He may say : 
 
 " Arrah ! now, why wouldn't I be confused ? Wasn't all 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 113 
 
 of us confused, and from the airliest time, and isn't a man 
 to be consistent ? Would you have him turn his coat when 
 scarcely a rag of it is left him ? " 
 
 A good example of a bull may be cited in the case of 
 the two Irishmen who, fancying that they knew each other, 
 crossed the street to shake hands. On discovering their 
 error : 
 
 " I beg your pardon ! " cried the one. 
 
 " Oh, don't mention it," said the other. " It's a mutual 
 mistake ; you see, I thought it was you, and you thought 
 it was me, and after all, it was neither of us ! " 
 
 A good pendant to this is told of two friends who met, 
 and referred to the illness of a third : 
 
 " Poor Michael Hogan ! Faith, I'm afraid he's going to 
 die." 
 
 "And why would he die ?" 
 
 " Oh, he's got so thin ! You're thin enough, and I'm 
 thin — but, by my sowl, Michael Hogan is thinner than 
 both of us put together ! " 
 
 A bull is sometimes produced by the false use of a 
 word, as in the case of an Irish watchman giving evidence 
 at a police office : 
 
 "What is this man's offense ?" 
 
 " He was disorderly, your worship, in the strates, last 
 night." 
 
 "And did you give him warning before you took him 
 into custody ? " 
 
 " I did, your honor. I said to him, ' Disparse ! ' " 
 
 An Irish judge said, when addressing a prisoner : 
 " You are to be hanged, and I hope it will prove a 
 warning to you." 
 
114 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR- 
 
 And, again, a bull may be owing to a limited amount of 
 knowledge — as in the case of an old woman going to the 
 chandler's for a farthing candle, and, being told it was 
 raised to a halfpenny on account of the Russian war : 
 
 "Bad luck to them!" she exclaimed; "and do they 
 fight by candle-light ?" 
 
 An Irish lover remarks that it is a great comfort to be 
 alone, " especially when yer swateheart is wid ye." 
 
 An eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in 
 one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity 
 of the whisky on sale lohich was drunk by his late Majesty 
 while in Dublin. 
 
 A grocer in Washington advertises that he has "whisky 
 for sale that has been drunk by all the Presidents, from 
 Gen. Jacksorf down to the present time." 
 
 A physician gave a patient a box of pills, with direc- 
 tions to " take one pill Jive times a day " 
 
 An American lecturer solemnly said one evening : 
 
 " Parents, you may have children, or, if not, your daugh- 
 ters may have." 
 
 And it was a German orator who, warming with his 
 subject, exclaimed : 
 
 " There is no man or child in this vast assembly who 
 has arrived at the age of fifty years, that has not felt the 
 truth of this mighty subject thundering through his mind 
 for centuries." 
 
 An Irishman, hearing of a friend who had a stone coffin 
 made for himself, exclaimed * 
 
 " Faith, that's good. Sure an' a stone coffin 'ud last a 
 man a lifetime." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 115 
 
 A Yorkshire clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asy- 
 lum, began by gravely remarking : 
 
 " If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it 
 would be ! " 
 
 An Irish editor says he can see no earthly reason why 
 women should not be allowed to become medical men. 
 
 " It is very sickly here," said one of the sons of the 
 Emerald Isle the other day to another. 
 
 " Yes," replied his companion " a great many have died 
 this year that never died before." 
 
 Captain. " How many fathoms ? " 
 Pilot. " Can't touch bottom, sir." 
 
 Captain. " Well, d n it, how near do you come ?" 
 
 An advertisement in an Irish paper, setting forth the 
 many conveniences and advantages to be derived from 
 metal window sashes, among other particulars observed 
 "that these sashes would last forever — and afterwards, if 
 the owner had no use for them, they might be sold for old 
 iron." 
 
 " As I was going over the bridge the other day," said a 
 native of Erin, " I met Pat Hewins. ' Hewins,' says I, 
 ' how are you ? ' 
 
 ' Pretty well, thank you, Donnelly,' says he. 
 
 " ' Donnelly,' says I, * that's not my name.' 
 
 " ' Faith, then, no more is mine Hewins.' 
 
 " So with that we looked at each other agin, an' sure 
 enough, it was nayther of us." 
 
 An Irishman who was standing on London bridge, said 
 to a youth : 
 
 " Faith, and I think I know yees ; what's yer name ? " 
 
 F 
 
116 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Jones," said the boy. 
 " Jones, Jones," said the Irishman ; " and I knew seven- 
 teen ould maids by that name in Dublin. Was aither of 
 them your mither ? " 
 
 " It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, " it wor a 
 grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' oi''ll 
 tell ye all about it." 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen,'^ said an Irish manager to his 
 audience of three, " as there is nobody here, I'll dismiss 
 you all ; the performance of this night will not be per- 
 formed, but will be repeated to-morrow evening." 
 
 Two Irishmen, recently arrived in America, were trav- 
 eling along a country road one cold morning, when, as 
 they were passing a house, their conversation was inter- 
 rupted by the sudden appearance of several dogs. One 
 seized hold of a stone, but finding it frozen fast to the 
 ground, he exclaimed : My, what a counthry ! The sthones 
 are tied fast and the dogs are tied loose ! " 
 
 An Irish doctor lately sent in his bill to a lady as fol- 
 lows : " To curing your husband till he died." 
 
 " A man who'd maliciously set lire to a barn," said Elder 
 Podson, " and burn up a stable full of horses and cows, 
 ought to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'd like to 
 be the one to do it." 
 
 Servant. " Please, sir, you ain't got no bread and the 
 baker says he won't trust you any longer ? " 
 
 Irate Hibernian. " Och, the mane baste. No bread ! 
 Bedad, then, I must have toast." 
 
 Some years ago two Irishmen were carrying the hod, at 
 a new brick building going up on the street fronting on 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 117 
 
 the North River, New York. At noon, one of the Cunard 
 steamers, going out to sea, fired ofi^ the usual guns. " Do 
 you hear that, Larry ? " " The goons do you mane ? What 
 is it ? " " Why, ov coorse, it's an arrival goirC out ! " 
 
 Two deacons once disputing about a proposed new 
 graveyard, one remarked : " I'll never be buried in that 
 ground as long as 1 live ! " " What an obstinate man ! " 
 said the other. " If my life is spared I will." 
 
 An Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture 
 and to represent him standing behind a tree. 
 
 That was a triumphant appeal of an Irishman who was 
 a lover of antiquity, who, in arguing the superiority of old 
 architecture over the new, said, " Where will you find any 
 modern building that has lasted so long as the ancient ? " 
 
 An Irish magistrate, censuring some boys for loitering 
 in the streets, argued : " If everybody were to stand in the 
 street, how could anybody get by ? " 
 
 "Where did you put the hoe I saw you wid?" "It's 
 gone intirely, feyther." "Thin I'll break ivery bone in 
 your body wid it if you don't find it." 
 
 Lord and Master {small-sized^ but resolute). " You are 
 wrong, madam ; quite wrong." 
 
 His Slave. "But I say I am not wrong." 
 
 Lord and Master. " But I have proved you are wrong." 
 
 His Slave. "I beg your pardon, 1 am not wrong. I may 
 be mistaken, but I am not wrong." 
 
 Two Irishmen were working in a quarry when one of 
 them fell into a deep quarry hole. The other, alarmed, 
 came to the margin of the hole and called out, "Arrah, 
 Pat, are ye killed intirely ? If yeVe dead, spake." Pat 
 
118 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 reassured him from the bottom by saying in answer, " No, 
 Tim, I'm not dead, but I'm spachless." 
 
 At a crowded concert the other evening, a young lady, 
 standing at the door of the hall, was addressed by an 
 honest Hibernian, who was in attendance on the occasion. 
 " Indade, miss," said he, I should be glad to give you a 
 sate, but the empty ones are all full." 
 
 " Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another ? " 
 " Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, ^' and 
 a great deal bether.'^'' 
 
 Said an Irish justice to an obstreperous prisoner on 
 trial : " We want nothing but silence, and but little of 
 that." 
 
 A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately left 
 her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live 
 now ? " " Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," re- 
 plied the girl ; " / am married^ 
 
 Old Dr. Cook, of Albany, in a flaming advertisement, 
 speaking of the extent of his fame and his powers, says : 
 " There is no part of this country where people do not 
 reside whom I have not cured." 
 
 An Irishman got out of his carriage at a railway station 
 for refreshments, but the bell rang and the train left before 
 he had finished his repast. " Hould on ! " cried Pat, as he 
 ran like a madman after the car, "hould on, ye murthen 
 ould stame injin — ye've got a passenger on board that's 
 left behind." 
 
 An Irishman, describing the trading powers of the 
 genuine Yankee, said : " Bedad, if he was cast away on a 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 119 
 
 desolate island, he'd get up the next mornin' and go round 
 selling maps to the inhabitants." 
 
 An illiterate farmer, wishing to enter some animals at 
 an agricultural exhibition, wrote to the secretary as fol- 
 lows : "Also enter me for the best jackass ; I am sure of 
 taking the premium." 
 
 Biddy was bad with the colic. She was sure she was 
 going to die, and that she was. Various remedies were 
 suggested to her. " Indade," said she, " I would take any- 
 thing to make me well, if I knew it would kill me." 
 
 An Irishman, with a heavy bundle on his shoulders, 
 riding on the front of a horse-car, was asked why he did 
 not set his bundle down on the platform. He replied: "Be 
 jabers, the horses have enough to drag me ; I'll carry the 
 bundle." 
 
 An Irish agricultural journal advertises a new washing- 
 machine under the heading : " Every man his own washer- 
 woman," and in its culinary department says that, " pota- 
 toes should always be boiled in cold water." 
 
 There are bulls in Portugal, as well as in Ireland. The 
 Mayor of Estremadura, offering a reward for the recovery 
 of the remains of a drowned man, enumerated among the 
 recognizable marks, that the lamented had a "marked 
 impediment in his speech." 
 
 An Irish editor, in speaking of the miseries of Ireland, 
 says : " Her cup of miseries has been for ages overflowing, 
 and is not yet full." 
 
 When Paddy heard an Englishman speaking of the fine 
 echo at the lake of Killarney, which repeats the sound 
 forty times, he very promptly observed : 
 
120 
 
 WIT AKD HUMOR. 
 
 " Faith, that's nothing at all to the echo in my father's 
 garden, in the county of Galway. If you say to it : 
 " ' How do you do, Paddy Blake ? ' it will answer : 
 " * Pretty well, thank you, sir.' " 
 
 A new and enterprising paper advertises thus : 
 " Run away — A hired man named John ; his nose turned 
 up five feet eight inches high, and had on a pair of cordu- 
 roy pants, much worn." 
 
 How that nose must have looked, dressed up in corduroy 
 pants ! 
 
 A Towanda (Penn.) sign reads thus : 
 
 "John Smith — teacher of cowtillions and other dances 
 — gramer taut in the neetest manner — fresh salt herrin on 
 draft — likewise Godfreys cordial — rutes, sassage and other 
 garden truck. — N. B. A bawl on frida nite — prayer meetin 
 chuesday also salme singin by the quire." 
 
 STARTLING INFORMATION. 
 
 A recent advertisement contains the following startling 
 information : 
 
 "If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red 
 head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whale- 
 bone ribs and an ivory handle to the slate-roofed grocer's 
 store, he will hear something to his advantage, as the same 
 is the gift of a deceased mother, now no more, with the 
 name engraved upon it." 
 
 Among the replies to an advertisement of a music com- 
 mittee for " a candidate as organist, music - teacher," etc., 
 was the following: " Gen^^^nen, I noticed your advertise- 
 
WIT AND HITMOR. 
 
 121 
 
 ment for organist and music-teacher, either lady or gentle- 
 man. Having been both for several years, I offer you my 
 services." 
 
 A colored clergyman in Philadelphia recently gave 
 notice as follows from the pulpit ; " There will be four 
 days' meeting every evening this week, except Wednesday, 
 afternoon." 
 
 A music dealer, not long since, received the following 
 order : 
 
 " Please send me the music to ' Strike the Harp in 
 Praise of God and Paddle Your Own Canoe.' " 
 
 A gushing but ungrammatical editor says : " We have 
 received a basket of fine grapes from our friend, Mr. Tomp- 
 kins, for which he will please accept our compliments, some 
 of which are nearly one inch in diameter." 
 
 MIND YOUR STOPS. 
 
 The omission of a comma has frequently given a very 
 awkward turn to a sentence. We remember an epitaph 
 which suffered severely from such an oversight. It ran 
 pretty much as follows : 
 
 " Erected to the memory of John Phillips, accidentally 
 shot as a mark of affection by his brother." 
 
 A printer, meddling with the verdict of a coroner's jury, 
 struck out a comma after the word " apoplexy," making it 
 read thus : 
 
 "Deceased came to his death by excessive drinking, 
 producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury." 
 
 A correspondent introduces a piece of poetry to the 
 editor of an American newspaper in these words: 
 
122 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "The following lines were written fifty years ago by 
 one who has for many years slept in his grave merely for 
 his amusement." 
 
 A comma at "grave" would have rendered the sentence, 
 at all events, comprehensible, though nothing would efface 
 its absurd diction. 
 
 The compositor on a Philadelphia paper, by misplace- 
 ment of a space, informed the masses of that city tliat 
 Mr. would address them asses at National Hall. 
 
 IRISH WIT. 
 
 The proneness of Irish wit to hyperbole is well illus- 
 trated in the story of the man who described the gluttony 
 of a young pig by saying that he had fed him with two 
 pailfuls of milk and meal, and then put the pig in the pail, 
 which he didn't half fill. 
 
 Another specimen of the same exaggeration is reported 
 by a correspondent traveling in Ireland, who overheard an 
 Irishman describing to some companions the country he 
 was urging them to emigrate to. 
 
 "Ameriky," said he, "is a mighty sizable place. I'm 
 tould ye might roll England through it, an' it would hardly 
 make a dint in the ground. There's a fresh water ocean 
 inside of it that ye might drown Ireland in, an' save Father 
 Matthew a wonderful soight of trouble. An' as for Scot- 
 land, ye might stick it in a corner of their forests, an' ye'd 
 never be able to find it, except, it might be, by the smell 
 of the whisky." 
 
 Two Irishmen were talking about an accident, when the 
 following colloquy occurred : 
 
 " Shure, how is the man that was hurt ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 123 
 
 "An' he's no bether." 
 " Is he conscious ? " 
 
 " Yis, he's conscious, but divil a thing does he know." 
 
 " Pat, do you understand French ? " 
 " Yis, if it's shpoke in Irish." 
 
 AN IRISH HOSTLER. 
 
 An Irish hostler was sent to the stable to bring forth a 
 traveler's horse. 
 
 Not knowing which of the two strange horses in the 
 stalls belonged to the traveler, and wishing to avoid the 
 appearance of ignorance in his business, he saddled both 
 animals and brought them to the door. The traveler 
 pointed out his own horse, saying, " That's my nag." 
 
 " Certainly, yer honor ; I know that, but I didn't know 
 which one of them was the other gentleman's." 
 
 PAT-ENT GUN. 
 
 I've heard a good joke on Emerald Pat, 
 
 Who kept a few brains and a brick in his hat ; 
 
 He was bound to go hunting ; so taking his gun 
 
 He rammed down a charge — this was load number one; 
 
 Then he put in the priming, and when all was done, 
 
 By way of experiment, he thought he would try 
 
 And see if by perchance he might hit the " bulPs eye." 
 
 He straightened himself until he made a good figure, 
 
 Took a deliberate aim and then pulled the trigger. 
 
 Click ! went the hammer, but nothing exploded ; 
 
 "And sure,'* muttered Paddy, " the gun isn't loaded." 
 
 So down went another charge, just as before, 
 
 Unless this contained a grain or two more ; 
 
 Once more he made ready and took a good aim 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 And pulled on the trigger — effect quite the same. 
 
 " I wonder, can this be, still shootin' ? " said Pat ; 
 
 ** I put down a load, now I'm certain of that ; 
 
 I'll try it again, and then we shall see ! 
 
 So down went the cartridge of load number three. 
 
 Then trying again with a confident air, 
 
 And succeeding no better, he gave up in despair. 
 
 Just at that moment he happened to spy 
 
 His friend, Michael Milligan, hurrying by. 
 
 " Hello, Mike ! Come here and try on my gun ; 
 
 I've been trying to shoot until I'm tired and done ! *' 
 
 So Mike took the gun and picked up the powder, 
 
 Remarking to Pat, " it would make it go louder." 
 
 Then placing it firmly against his right arm, 
 
 And never suspecting it might do him harm, 
 
 He pointed the piece in the proper direction. 
 
 And pulled on the trigger without more reflection, 
 
 When ofi^ went the gun like a county election 
 
 Where whisky and gin have exclusive selection 
 
 Of those who are chosen to guard the inspection — 
 
 There's a great deal of noise — and some little inspection, 
 
 And Michael "went off" in another direction. 
 
 " Hold on ! " shouted Pat, " Hold on to the gun, 
 
 I put in three loads, and you fired ofl' but one ! 
 
 Get up, and be careful, don't hold it so level, 
 
 Or else we are both us gone to the — cemetery ! " 
 
 " I'm goin'," says Michael, " it's time that I wint, 
 
 Vve got meself kicked and I'll just take the hint." 
 
 Now, old boys, and young, here's a moral for you ; 
 Don't make Pat your pattern whatever you do. 
 Don't carry too much in the crown of your hat ; 
 Of all things you lodge there beware of the bat I 
 I don't mean the little mouse flying in the air. 
 The ladies so fear that may get into their hair. 
 But the dangerous brick bat, so much worse than that, 
 Nobody can wear it that isn't a " flat," 
 
WIT AND HUMOR, 
 
 125 
 
 And then don't forget it is one of Old Nick's 
 Diabolical methods of playing his tricks 
 On foolish young men who become " perfect bricks 
 He don't give the hint until aftei^ he kicks ! 
 
 " Bridget, I wish you would go and see how old Mrs. 
 Jones is this morning." 
 
 Bridget returned in a few minutes with the information 
 that Mrs. Jones was seventy-two years, ten months, and 
 eight days old. 
 
 NO SMOKING ALLOWED. 
 
 The captain of a steamboat, seeing an Irishman smoking 
 away abaft the wheelhouse, stepped up to him and said : 
 
 " Don't you see that notice stuck up there ?" 
 
 " D'ye mane that bit o' painted tin ? " 
 
 "To be sure I do. Why don't you follow it?" 
 
 " I haven't sayn it move ; it's nailed fast, I'm con- 
 siderin'." 
 
 "I mean, have you read that notice?" 
 " Divil a bit ; shure I don't know how to rade." 
 " Well, it says : ' No smoking allowed here.'" 
 " By the powers ! it doesn't consarn me a smite, thin, 
 for I never smoked 'aloud' in my life." 
 
 ANNOYED BY MOSQUITOES. 
 
 The other evening, two Irishman, new in the country, 
 arrived in Toledo late in the evening, and put up at the 
 Island House. They were shown to a room far up in 
 the building, the gas lighted, and they were left alone. ^ 
 
 The weather was hot, the windows open, and the two 
 gentlemen sat down to enjoy a chat. Soon, attracted by 
 
126 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 the light and the prospect of a square meal, a troop of the 
 hungriest mosquitoes bore down upon the ill-fated Hiber- 
 nians. They fought and bled, but the enemy constantly 
 received reinforcements, and the travelers were in despair. 
 The clerk was summoned and asked, agonizingly : 
 
 "Is there no defence against these bloodthirsty craturs?" 
 
 He told the travelers that if they put out their gas and 
 closed their windows, they would experience relief. 
 
 They acted on the suggestion, and placed themselves 
 between the sheets. Just as they began to doze, a light- 
 ning-bug caught the eye of one of the travelers. He 
 roused his companion with a punch. 
 
 " Jamie, Jamie, it's no use. Here's one of the craturs 
 sarchin' for us wid a lantern ! " 
 
 SELF- CONVICTED. 
 
 An English gentleman was writing a letter in a coffee- 
 house, and perceiving an Irishman stationed behind him 
 reading it, said nothing, but finished his letter in these 
 words : 
 
 " I would say more, but a big, tall Irishman is reading 
 over my shoulder every word I write." 
 
 "You lie, you scoundrel!" said the self- convicted 
 Hibernian. 
 
 "I^M QUITE OF YOUR WAY OF THINKIN'." 
 
 Some people are so wedded to their own notions that 
 they will not have any persons for friends, or even for 
 servants, who do not entertain similar views. 
 
 A certain Irish lord always made a point of strictly 
 examining his domestics, as to their religious and political 
 faith, before he engaged them. While residing on his 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 127 
 
 Irish estates, a groom presented himself to be hired, and 
 he had resolved beforehand not to compromise himself by 
 any inconsiderate reply. 
 
 " What are your opinions ? " 
 
 " Indeed, then, your lordship's honor, I have just none 
 at all, at all." 
 
 " Not any ! nonsense ! you must have some, and I insist 
 upon knowing them." 
 
 " Why, then, your honor's glory, they are for all the 
 world just the same as your lordship's." 
 
 " Then you can have no objection to state them, and to 
 confess frankly what is your way of thinking ? " 
 
 " Och ! and is it my way of thinking you mane by my 
 opinion ? Why, then, I am exactly the same way of think- 
 ing as Pat Sullivan, your honor's game-keeper, for, says he 
 to me, as I was coming up stairs, ' Murphy,' says he, ' I'm 
 thinking you'll never be paying me the two-and-twenty 
 shillin's I lent you, last Christmas was a twelve-month.' 
 ' Faith ! ' says I, ' Pat' Sullivan ! I'm quite of your way of 
 thinkin'.' " 
 
 WIDOW MALONEY'S PIG. 
 
 Mike Murphy was taken to ta»sk by his spiritual adviser 
 lor having stolen widow Maloney's pig. The evidence 
 against Mike was so direct and positive, that it was worse 
 than useless for him to deny the crime, and he listened with 
 downcast eyes and much meekness to a well-deserved lec- 
 ture from the priest, upon the wickedness of the theft he 
 had committed, till the reverend gentleman asked him what 
 he would say in the day of judgment when he should pe 
 confronted by Mrs. Maloney and her pig ? when be bright- 
 ened up at a happy thought, and said ; 
 
 9 
 
128 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " And ye say that the pig '11 be there, yer riverence ? " 
 
 " Yes, the pig '11 be there, and Mrs. Maloney '11 be 
 there, too, living witnesses against you. What, I repeat, 
 can you say in such a presence ? " 
 
 " Yer riverence, I'll say. Widow Maloney, there's yer 
 pig, take it ! " 
 
 AN UNEXPECTED REPLY. 
 
 Jonathan and Paddy were riding together one day when 
 they came in sight of an old gallows. This suggested to 
 the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his 
 Irish companion. "You see that, I calculate," said he, 
 " and now where would you be if the gallows had its due ? " 
 
 " Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy. 
 
 HOW MANY WERE AT THE PARTY. 
 
 Mr. O'Flaherty undertook to tell how many were at the 
 party : " The two Crogans were one, myself was two, 
 Mike Finn was three, and — and — who was four ? Let me 
 see" (counting on his fingers). "The two Crogans was 
 one, Mike Finn was two, myself was three, and bedad ! 
 there was four of us, but I couldn't tell the name of the 
 other. Now, it's meself that has it. Mike Finn was one, 
 the two Crogans was two, myself was three — and — by 
 my soul, I think there was but three of us after all." 
 
 WHERE ARE THE SAUSAGES ? 
 
 A lady in Cincinnati has recently had a remarkable 
 experience with a new Irish girl : 
 
 " Biddy," said she, one evening, " we must have some 
 sausages for tea this evening, I expect company." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 129 
 
 "Yes, ma'am." 
 
 Tea time arrived, and with it the company ; the table 
 was spread, the tea was simmering, but no sausages 
 appeared. 
 
 Where are the sausages, Biddy ? " the lady inquired. 
 " And sure they're in the ta-pot, ma'am ! Didn't you 
 tell me we must have 'em for ta ? " 
 
 DID YOU HEAR THE THUNDER ? 
 
 Two good-natured Irishmen, on a certain occasion, occu- 
 pied the same bed. In the morning one of them inquired 
 of the other : 
 
 " Dennis, did you hear the thunder last night ? " 
 
 " No, Pat ; did it raily thunder ? " 
 
 "Yes, it thundered as if hiven and airth would come 
 together." 
 
 "Why in the divil, then, didn't ye wake me, for ye 
 know I can't slape whin it thunders." 
 
 NOT A BIT O^ DIFFERENCE, BE DAD. 
 
 A business man of James Street hired a laborer last 
 week to cut the grass in his yard and tidy up about 
 the premises. At noon the man returned to the office, 
 saying: "I've cleaned, up the yard and cut most of the 
 grass, an' sure, sir, a man he tould me I was in the wrong 
 yard, but he said it would not make the divil a bit o' dif- 
 ference, be dad." 
 
 A pedagogue told one of his scholars, a son of the 
 Emerald Isle, to spell hostility. 
 " H-o-r-s-e, horse," began Pat. 
 
 " Not horse tility," said the teacher, " but hostility^" 
 
130 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Sure," replied Pat, " an' didn't ye tell me the other 
 day not to say hoss ? Be jabers, it's one thing wid ye 
 one day and another the nixt." 
 
 A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE. 
 
 An instance of the distinction without a difference was 
 offered by the Irishman who, having legs of different sizes, 
 ordered his boots to be made accordingly. His directions 
 were obeyed, but as he tried the smallest boot on his 
 lltrgest foot, he exclaimed petulantly: "Confound that 
 fellow ! I ordered him to make one larger than the other ; 
 and instead of that he has made one smaller than the 
 other." 
 
 Two Irishmen, in crossing a field, came in contact with 
 a jackass, which was making " daylight hideous " with his 
 unearthly braying. 
 
 Jemmy stood a moment in astonishment, then turning to 
 Pat, who was also enraptured with the song, he remarked : 
 
 " It's a fine ear the bird has got for music, but he's got 
 a wonderful cowld." 
 
 DIDN'T HAVE THE SIXPENCE. 
 
 An Irishman asks a Long Island woman the price of a 
 pair of fowls, and is told : 
 "A dollar." 
 
 "And a dollar it is, my darlint ? Why, in my country 
 you might buy them for sixpence apiece." 
 
 " And why didn't you stay in that blessed cheap coun- 
 try?" 
 
 "Och, faith, and there was no sixpence there^ to be 
 sure ! 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 131 
 
 GOT AHEAD OF THE MUSICIAN. 
 An Irishman hearing of a wonderful musician, concluded 
 to take lessons from him, and inquired of his terms. The 
 answer was : 
 
 " Six dollars for the first month and three dollars for the 
 second month." 
 
 " Then," said the Irishman, " I'll come the second 
 month." 
 
 AN IRISH BOUQUET. 
 
 An acceptable bouquet of Irish fun can always be had. 
 A good one is that of the Irishman who said, in response 
 to an inquiry : 
 
 "Sick is it! Sick! Faith and I laid spachless sivin 
 long weeks in the month of August, and did nothin' but 
 cry ' Wather, wather,' all the time." 
 
 A very good one is told of the fellow who was present 
 at a fire. The building was a dwelling-house, and a lady 
 appeared at a third-story window, crying for help to save 
 her life. The Irishman, greatly moved at this, commenced 
 shouting for a rope, when a by-stander interrupted him 
 with : 
 
 " What do you want with a rope ? " 
 
 " Why, to haul her out, ov coorse," was the ready reply. 
 
 And still another : 
 
 Jimmy. " I was up at the menagerie yisterday afther- 
 noon." 
 
 " I was there too," responded Mike. 
 " By me soul," said Jimmy, scratching his head, "I was 
 lookin' for ye ; which cage were you in ? " 
 
 " Mike^" said one Irishman to another, " will you lend 
 me your face ? " 
 
132 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "What for?" 
 
 "To go begging with." 
 
 "Is yours worn out already?" was the witty rejoinder. 
 
 " That was a good thing you got off the other day," said 
 one Irishman to another. 
 
 " Yis ! phat's this it was ? " 
 
 "A dirty shirt," was the laughable reply. 
 
 " Did ye ever know such a cold Summer as this ? " asked 
 Mike of a fellow Irishman. 
 " Yes," answered Pat. 
 "When?" 
 
 " Last Winter, be jabers ! " 
 
 A man, referring to the sudden death of a relative, was 
 asked if he lived high. 
 
 " Well, I can't say he did," said Terrence, " but he died 
 high." 
 
 Like the banks in these days, he was suspended. 
 
 "Why, you'd better knock the door down. What do 
 you want ? " 
 
 " Och, my darling ! don't let me wake any of your 
 family. I'm just using your knocker to wake the people 
 next door. I'm locked out, d'ye see, and they've niver a 
 knocker." 
 
 STRONG FILIAL AFFECTION. 
 
 Perhaps the strongest recorded instance of filial affec- 
 tion is that of an Irish son, if we may receive, without smy 
 suspicion, the evidence of a fond and doting father : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. ^ 133 
 
 " Och, now, my darlint," exclaimed the latter, when his 
 boy threatened to enlist in the army, "would you be lavin' 
 your poor ould father who dotes upon ye ? You, the best 
 and most dutiful of all my children, and the only one that 
 never struck me when I was down ! " 
 
 AN IRISH LOVE LETTER. 
 
 The following genuine specimen of a love letter is now 
 published for the first time : 
 
 " Dear Miss : I have been in love for you a long time, 
 and take this opportunity to inform you by letter ; and 
 would ye like to cort for marriage, if so I would like to 
 have you if you are not spoke for. And if you are spoke 
 for is your sister spoke for. You and she is both so hansom 
 it is hard to tell which is the hansomis. I have got a little 
 farm big enuf to lie down on, and don't you think I am 
 pretty good-looking. I think you are very good-looking. 
 And if you want me and if you don't want me be sure and 
 answer me yis or no." 
 
 AN EQUIVOCAL ANSWER. 
 
 A literary gentleman, wishing to be undisturbed one 
 day, instructed his Irish servant to admit no one, and if 
 any one should inquire for him, to give him an equivocal 
 answer. Night came, and the gentleman proceeded to 
 interrogate Pat as to his visitors : 
 
 " Did any one call ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir ; wan gintleman." 
 
 "What did he say?" 
 
 "He axed was yer honor in." 
 
 "Well, what did you tell him?'* 
 
134 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Sure, T gave him a quivikle answer, jist." 
 " How was that ? " 
 
 " I axed him was his grandmother a monkey." 
 
 On the arrival of an emigrant ship, some years ago, 
 when the North Carolina lay off the Battery, an Irishman, 
 hearing the gun fired at sunset, inquired of one of the 
 sailors what it was. " What's that ? Why, that's sunset," 
 was the contemptuous reply. 
 
 " Sunset ! " Paddy exclaimed, with distended eyes ; 
 "sunset! Howly Moses! and does the sun go down in 
 this country with sich a clap as that ? " 
 
 THE VERY MAN FOR HIM. 
 
 An athletic specimen of the Emerald Isle called on a 
 wharfinger for a job. 
 
 " The top o' the mornin' to ye. Muster P. I've been 
 told that ye're in want of help." 
 
 "I've but little to do," replied P., with mercantile 
 gravity. 
 
 " I'm the very boy for yees ! It's but little I care about 
 doing — it's the money I'm after, shure ! " 
 The naive reply procured him a situation. 
 
 THE IRISHMAN TOO SHARP FOR THE DUTCHMAN. 
 
 A rather amusing, but improbable, story is told of the 
 Dutchman and the Irishman. It was agreed between them 
 to grip, with their teeth, the two ends of a strap, the one 
 betting the other that he could pull it out of his mouth. 
 The parties got ready, and had the strap fixed between 
 their teeth, and at the word " pull " were to commence. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 136 
 
 The Irishman, as Irishmen always are, was full of fun ; 
 and with a tight grip between his teeth, muttered through 
 his nose : 
 
 " Are ye ready ? " 
 
 " Yah," said the Dutchman, opening wide his mouth and 
 teeth. 
 
 "Thin pull," said Paddy, as he drew the strap from 
 the Dutchman's mouth, before he had time to close his teeth 
 down again and secure a tight hold. 
 
 WHY IT WAS A ROOSTER. 
 
 Two Hibernians were passing a stable that had a rooster 
 on it for a weather-vane, when one addressed the other 
 thus : 
 
 " Pat, what's the reason they didn't put a hin up there 
 instead of a rooster ? " 
 
 " An' sure," replied Pat, " that's aisy enough ; don't you 
 see, it would be inconvanient to go for the eggs." 
 
 THE CURRENCY QUESTION. 
 
 "Fat's all this talk about the currency, and the five- 
 twenties, and the sivin -thirties that I hear about, Mike ?" 
 
 " Why, bliss your sowl, don't ye know, Pat ? It manes 
 that the Government wants to make the laborin' men work 
 from five-twinty in the mornin' till sivin -thirty in the 
 evening." 
 
 " Och, the spalpeens, may the divil take them." 
 
 BIDDY MALONE'S CERTIFICATE. 
 
 Biddy Malone was in a great fever of excitement when 
 she landed in America, direct from the " ould sod." Her 
 
136 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 oertificate of character was lost on shipboard, and what 
 would she be after doin'. To her great happiness and con- 
 solation, Tim Mulligan, her Irish friend, volunteered and 
 wrote her a beautiful recommendation, as follows : 
 
 " This is to certify that Biddy Malone had a good char- 
 acter before she left the 'ould counthry,' but lost it on 
 shipboard comin' over." 
 
 A domestic, newly engaged, presented to his master, 
 one morning, a pair of boots, the leg of one of which was 
 much longer than the other. 
 
 "How comes it that these boots are not of the same 
 length?'' 
 
 " I raly don't know, sir ; but what bothers me the most 
 is that the pair down stairs are in the same fix." 
 
 An Irishman went to the theater for the first time. 
 Just as the curtain descended on the first act, a boiler in 
 the basement exploded, and he was blown through the 
 roof, coming down in the next street. After coming to 
 his senses, he asked : 
 
 " An' what piece do yez play nixt ? " 
 
 A RELIGIOUS COW. 
 
 Near Zanesville, Ohio, an Irishman lives who is the 
 proprietor of a beauty of a shanty a little way east of that 
 thriving place. He purchased a cow a few weeks ago, and 
 as she was rather wild, he had to halter her and lead her 
 home. As soon as he reached the lovely cot wherein his 
 wife and the little Pats were lodging, they came out to 
 meet him, whereupon Mrs. Pat thus began : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 137 
 
 "Well, Pat, my darling, and where did you git that 
 baste of a cow ? " 
 
 " Sure an' I got her of old Mr. Higgins up the road." 
 
 " What, did you buy a cow of that old Protestant ? " 
 
 " And why not, Bridget, dear ? Just you bring out that 
 bottle of holy water, and I'll be after pouring it on her, 
 and it will make her all right in no time." 
 
 Bridget did as she was bid, and bringing the bottle to 
 Pat, he took it and poured it on the animal's back, making 
 the cross with all due devotion as he poured. But the old 
 woman, by mistake, had brought him a bottle of vitriol, and 
 Pat was astonished to find that the cow was frantic under 
 the operation, kicking worse, by far, than before he applied 
 the holy water. He tried it again, and poured on more, 
 when the cow broke loose from Pat, and kicked him over, 
 as she dashed away, to the terror of poor Bridget, who 
 cried out : 
 
 " Holy Virgin, and mither of Moses ! isn^t the Protestant 
 strong in her yet ? " 
 
 " My dear Murphy," said an Irishman to a friend, " why 
 did you betray the secret I told you ? " 
 
 " Is it betray that you call it ? Sure, when I found I 
 wasn't able to keep it myself, didn't I do well to tell it to 
 some one that could keep it ? " 
 
 A COLD JOKE. 
 
 An Irishman, being annoyed by a howling dog in the 
 night, jumped out of bed to dislodge the ofi'ender. 
 
 It was in the month of January when the snow was 
 three feet deep. He not returning, his wife ran out to see 
 what was the matter. There she found her husband in his 
 
138 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 night suit, his teeth chattering and his whole body almost 
 paralyzed with cold, holding the struggling dog by the tail. 
 
 "Holy Mother! Pat," says she, "what would ye be 
 afther doin'?" 
 
 " Hush ! " said he. " Don't ye see ? I'm tryin' to fraze 
 the baste ! " 
 
 A STRANGE STORY. 
 
 An Irishman, addicted to telling strange stories, said he 
 saw a man beheaded with his hands tied behind him, who 
 directly picked up his head and put it on his shoulders in 
 the right place. 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " said a by-stander ; "how could he pick 
 up his head when his hands were tied behind him ? " 
 
 " And, sure, what a purty fool ye are ! " said Pat ; " and 
 couldn't he pick it up wid his teeth ? To ould Nick wid 
 yer botheration ! " 
 
 " The sun is all very well," said an Irishman, " but the 
 moon is worth two of it ; for the moon affords us light in 
 night - time, when we want it^ whereas the sun's with us in 
 the day-time, when we have no occasion for it^ 
 
 PAT WENT TO THE POST-OFFICE. 
 
 Pat, having been sent by his master to the post-office 
 after the letters, was asked, on his return : 
 " Well, Pat, what was there for me ? " 
 " Two letters and a paper, sir." 
 
 " Well, hand them to me ; what are you standing there 
 for?" 
 
 " Indade, sir, and you didn't tell me to bring them, at 
 all, at all ! " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 139 
 
 " What did you go to the office for ? " 
 
 " You told me to go to the office and see what was in 
 the box, and haven't I done it sure ? " 
 
 Pat had to go back again — but muttering as he went, 
 that he wished his honor would " be after maning what he 
 said next time." 
 
 WANTED TO SEND A MESSAGE. 
 
 A venerable Irish lady in Taunton, Mass., went into the 
 telegraph office, the other evening, and stated her wish to 
 send a message to her son in a neighboring city. Where- 
 upon the obliging operator asked her if he should write it 
 for her, to which she hesitatingly responded : 
 
 " Av ye plaze, Mister, I'll do it meself, for James knows 
 my handwriting." 
 
 " What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat ? " 
 " Why, you see that my grandmother is dafe, and I an 
 writing a loud letter to her." 
 
 A teetotaler asked Pat the other day if ever he saw a 
 teetotaler drunk ? 
 
 " Och ! " replied Paddy, with earnestness, " I've seen 
 many a man drunk, but I couldn't tell whether he was a 
 teetotaler or not." 
 
 PAT'S REFLECTION. 
 
 Patrick saw a bull pawing in a field, and thought how 
 amusing it would be to jump over, catch him by the horns, 
 And rub his nose in the dirt. The idea was so funny, that 
 he laughed to think of it. The more he thought of it, the 
 funnier it seemed, and he determined to do it, Bovus 
 
140 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 quickly tossed him over the fence once more. Somewhat 
 bruised by this, Patrick leisurely picked himself up, with 
 the very consolatory reflection : 
 
 " Well, it is a moighty foine thing I had my laugh 
 foorst." 
 
 CAUGHT BY A TURTLE. 
 
 An Irishman, fresh from the old country, saw a turtle 
 for the first time, and at once made up his mind to capture 
 it. The turtle caught him by the finger, and he, holding 
 it out at arm's length, said : " Faith, and ye had better 
 let loose the howlt ye have, or I'll kick ye out of the very 
 box ye sit in, be jabers." 
 
 TRAITS OF CHARACTER 
 
 The traits of character peculiar to the many that make 
 up our people, are very happily hit ofi" in the following 
 anecdote : 
 
 It was agreed to make a proposition to the representa- 
 tives of the several countries as they were met in the 
 street, to ascertain the answer that each would make. The 
 first met was Mr. John Bull, who was asked : 
 
 "What will you take to stand all night in the tower of 
 that church ? " 
 
 " I should not wish to do it short of a guinea." 
 
 The Scotchman came along, and to the same inquiry, 
 answered : 
 
 " And what would you be willing to give ? " 
 A Frenchman was met, and, bowing very politely, said : 
 " I would be most happy to oblige you, but I beg to be 
 excused at present, as I am engaged." 
 
 Jonathan promptly replied to the question : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 141 
 
 « What will you take to do it ? 
 "I'll take a dollar." 
 
 And last of all came Patrick, and when the inquiry was 
 put to him, he replied : 
 
 " An' sure, I think I would take cowld." 
 
 An Irish peasant being asked why he permitted his pig 
 to take up his quarters with his family, made . an answer 
 abounding with satirical naivete : " Why not ? Doesn't the 
 place afford every convenience that a pig can require ? " 
 
 THE TWO DREAMS. 
 
 A Scotchman and an Irishman happened to be journey- 
 ing together through a most interminable forest, and by 
 some mishap lost their way and wandered about in a piti- 
 able condition for a while, when they fortunately came 
 across a miserable hovel, which was deserted save by a 
 lone chicken. As this poor biped was the only thing eat- 
 able to be obtained, they eagerly despatched and prepared 
 it for supper. 
 
 When laid before them, Pat concluded that it was insuf- 
 ficient for the support of both himself and Sawney, and 
 therefore a proposition was made to his companion that 
 they should spare the chicken until the next morning, and 
 the one who had the most pleasant dream should have the 
 chicken, which was agreed to. 
 
 In the morning Sawney told his dream. He thought 
 angels were drawing him up to heaven in a basket, and he 
 was never before so happy. Upon concluding his dream, 
 Pat exclaimed : 
 
 " Och, sure and be jabers, I saw ye going, and thought 
 
142 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 ye wouldn't come back, so I got up and ate the chicken 
 myself." 
 
 " How much for the broad-faced chicken on the fence ? " 
 
 inquired an Irishman of a farmer, 
 
 " That's not a chicken — it's an owl," replied the farmer, 
 " I don't care how ould he is ; I would like to buy him," 
 
 said the Irishman. 
 
 A gentleman going up Sixth Avenue, New York, met a 
 laborer to whom he said : " Will you tell me if I am half 
 way to Central Park ? " 
 
 " Faith, an' I will," was the reply, " if you tell me 
 where you started from." 
 
 Our traveling friend pursued his walk and his inquiries, 
 and seeing a very large funeral procession, he asked another 
 native whose funeral that was. 
 
 " Be gorrah, sir," said Pat with a most innocent look, 
 "it's myself that can not say for sartain, but I'm after 
 thinkin', it's the man^s in the coffin.'^'* 
 
 " Mike ! Mike ! stop scratchin' yer head, bye.*' 
 I won't, marm ; they began on me first." 
 
 "Please, sir, what's the fare from Dublin to Glasgow?" 
 inquired a son of the Emerald Isle one day, of the clerk at 
 a shipping office. 
 
 " Eighteen shillings," replied the latter. 
 
 " An' what d'ye charge for a pig or cow ? " 
 
 "Oh, eighteenpence for a* pig, and three shillings for a 
 cow." 
 
 " Well," directed Pat, " book me as a pig.'' 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 143 
 
 TWENTY MILES TO NEW YORK. 
 
 Two Irishmen were once walking toward New York, 
 when they met a man and asked him how much farther 
 they had got to travel, and were told that it was yet twenty 
 miles to the great city. 
 
 " Faith, we'll not reach it the night," said one of them, 
 evidently much dejected. 
 
 " Och, Pat, come on. Twinty moils ! Shure that's not 
 much ; only tin moils apiece. Come on." 
 
 An Irish post-boy, having driven a gentleman a long 
 stage during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very 
 wet ? 
 
 " Arrah ! I wouldn't care about being so mry wet^ if I 
 wasn't so very dry^ your honor." 
 
 A young man, searching for his father's pig, accosted an 
 Irishman, as follows : " Have you seen a stray pig about 
 here ? " 
 
 To which Pat responded : " Faith, how could I tell a 
 stray pig from any other ?'^ 
 
 An Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what 
 part of the house he occupied, answered : " If the house 
 was turned topsy turvy^ I'd be livin' on the first flure." 
 
 HOW PADDY CONVERTED THE JEW. 
 Not long ago, in one of the obscure streets of a city not 
 far from our own, a son of the Emerald Isle by birth, and a 
 son of the sea by trade, was on his bed to die. The priest 
 had been sent for, and was ready to administer the last rites 
 of the church to the dying seaman, so soon as he should 
 10 
 
144 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 confess his sins. But Patrick had none of that kind of 
 thing to boast of ; indeed, he said that, to the best of his 
 recollection, he had no sins to confess at all. He had been 
 a sailor, he said, and he had done his duty — swearing a 
 little, and drinking his grog as well as the next man ; but 
 he had always come to time in a fight, and was never licked 
 in his life, so that, for his part, he did not believe he had 
 anything on his mind to be sorry for ; and so, " plase your 
 riverence, let me off asy, and if you can't let me off asy, let 
 me off as asy as you can." 
 
 " Bethink thee again, my son," said the priest. " Has 
 no man ever lost his life, or perhaps his soul from thy 
 hands ? Be honest now, for death is at the door." 
 
 " Your riverence is right," groaned the poor fellow ; " I 
 did once convert a Jew, but I had forgotten it." 
 
 " Convert a Jew ! and sure, Pat, there was no sin in 
 that. But how did you manage the matter, pray ?" 
 
 " Well, your riverence must let me tell the story in my 
 own way. I was setting him ashore in the ship's boat — 
 me and Pete Mullins were — and we got to disputationing 
 like about our religion, for he thought we were no better 
 than pagans, and I knew he was worse, for I had seen the 
 hathun niggers and Indians at home, and they ain't half as 
 bad as Jews, and I told him so. He got very wrothy like, 
 and when he laped up to give me a clip, the boat went over 
 onto one side, and over he went into the sea. As he came 
 up I caught him by the hair of his head, and it came to me 
 all at once that it would be a good time to convert him ; 
 and so, says I, as I drew his head out of the water : 
 
 " Honey dear' — for I thought I would spake kindly to 
 him — ' honey, dear, do you believe in the Holy Catholic 
 Church?' 
 
" Are you obliged to attend public worship ? " 
 " N-o-o ; not exactly obliged^ ye kno', sir ; but we should lose 
 our grog if we didn't I 
 
4 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 147 
 
 " ' Not a bit of it ! ' said he, as he cleared his mouth of 
 the sea - water, and so I settled him down into it again. 
 Once more I brought his chin to the top of the brine, and 
 asked him tinderly : 
 
 " ' Do you believe in the Holy Catholic Church now ? ' 
 
 " ' I don't think I do,' he said, but not as decidedly as 
 before, and I ducked him again ; and now for the third 
 time I raised him, and said : 
 
 "'Do you believe in the Holy Catholic Church nowV 
 
 " His voice was almost gone, but I heard him distinctly 
 but feebly answer, 'Yes, I do;' and so, as these fellows, 
 and especially the Jews, give up their religion so asy after 
 they get it, I thought I would make him sure for the king- 
 dom of heaven, and so I let him go. He never came up, 
 and I hope to meet him in Paradise. That, your riverence, 
 is the way I converted the Jew, and sometimes I feel as if 
 I ought to have taken him into the boat, and let him take 
 his chances on getting into the kingdom." 
 
 The holy father admonished Pat that he did very wrong 
 to let the Jew go to the bottom, and the poor fellow said 
 he was very much of the priest's opinion. So he repented 
 him sorely of his converting the Jew, received absolution 
 according to the rites of the Church, and in a few minutes 
 breathed his last. 
 
 An old negro minister, in a sermon on Hell, pictured it 
 as a region of ice and snow, where the damned froze 
 through eternity. 
 
 When privately asked his purpose in representing Ge- 
 henna in this way, he said : 
 
 " I don't dare to tell them people nothing else. Why, 
 ■ f I was to say that Hell was warm, some of them old rheu- 
 
148 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 matic niggers would be wanting to start down the first 
 frost." 
 
 " If the wind blows this way for another hour," said the 
 captain on board of a ship in danger of being wrecked, to 
 a passenger, who was a clergyman, "we shall all be in 
 Heaven." 
 
 "God forbid ! " was the prayerful answer of the divine. 
 
 A NEW VERSION OF THE PARABLE OF THE VIRGINS. 
 
 The preacher was a mulatto, about forty years old. He 
 read the 25th chapter of Matthew — parable of the virgins 
 — until, as he got near the end of the parable and the foot 
 of the page and went up to the next page, he found some- 
 thing was wrong. The pages did not hitch. He studied 
 for a minute, and said : 
 
 " Brudderin, de ress of de parable am not hyar. But 
 I'll tell you all de ress. Dem foolish virgins got de do' 
 shet in dere face, and it sarved dem right." 
 
 Then he took for his text, " Dese shall go into eberlast- 
 in' punishment, but the righteous into life eternal." 
 
 Here are some of his inspirations : 
 
 " Why are so many of dese hyar seats vacant ? 
 
 " Where is de brudders and sisters who ought to be 
 settin' hyar ? 
 
 " Oh, some of dem is down on Bay Street sparkin', and 
 some of dem is in card houses, and some is in drunken 
 houses, and some is sittin' at home bekase deyse too tired ! 
 
 " Oh-er ! brudderin, when you true believers gets up to 
 de white frone den people will come to you and say : 
 
 " ' Gib us of your oil, for our lamps done gone out,' and 
 you will say-er, ' You can't come dat game on us.' No-er, 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 149 
 
 tor de tex says, ' Dese shall go into eberlastin' punishment, 
 but the righteous inter life eternal.' 
 
 "Dere's a great many people talks 'ligion bery loud 
 down in Bay Street in de day time, but where is dey to- 
 night ? 
 
 " Why-er, deyse foolin' round expectin' when de bride- 
 groom comes-er to borry oil from dem dat's got mo'. 
 
 " But what does the Scripter say-er ? 
 
 " Why, it says, ' Let dem go radder to him dat sells it at 
 de sto',' and while dey is gone de do' is slammed shet, for 
 de tex says, ' Dese shall go into eberlastin' punishment, 
 but de righteous into life eternal.' 
 
 " Now brudderin and friends, what would you think of 
 any of you ladies and gentlemen who would go splurging 
 down Bay Street with a hat, a watch, a coat, or dress or 
 bonnet on what didn't belong to you ? Stickin' up your 
 nose becase you's so berry fine, and everybody sayin' as 
 you go long dem wan't your own close, wouldn't you feel 
 cheap ? 
 
 " But dey's going to be fooled, for de tex says-er dese 
 shall go into eberlastin' punishment, but de righteous into 
 life eternal ! 
 
 "Oh, yes-er, my beloved brudderin and sisters, you 
 can't go a sailin' into hebben on borrowed close, as you 
 sails down Bay Street, for it is written, ' Ebery tub mus' 
 stand on its own bottom, and ebery knee shall bow, and 
 ebery tongue shall confess dat fire and brimstone shall 
 be dere po'tion for eber and eber,' and de tex says, * Dese 
 shall go into eberlastin' punishment, but de righteous into 
 life eternal.' " 
 
 The Rev. John Brown, of Haddington, was in the habit 
 of proposing, on festive occasions, a certain young lady as 
 
150 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 his toast. Having abandoned the practice, he was asked 
 for a reason. 
 
 " Because," said he, '* I have toasted her for sixteen 
 years without being able to make her brown, and so I've 
 resolved to toast her no longer." 
 
 A STREAK AHEAD OF NOAH. 
 
 A dispute once arose between two Scotchmen, named 
 ampbell and McLean, upon the antiquity of their families. 
 The latter would not allow that the Campbells had any 
 right to rank with the McLeans in antiquity, who, he 
 Insisted, were in existence as a clan since the beginning 
 of the world. 
 
 Campbell had a little more Biblical knowledge than his 
 antagonist, and asked him if the clan of the McLeans was 
 before the flood. 
 
 Flood ! what flood ? " asked McLean. 
 
 " The flood, you know, that drowned all the world but 
 Noah and his family, and his flock," said Campbell. 
 
 " Pooh ! you and your flood," said McLean ; " my clan 
 ./as afore the flood." 
 
 "I have not read in my Bible," said Campbell, "of the 
 -;.\me of McLean going into Noah's ark." 
 
 " Noah's ark ! " retorted McLean, in contempt : " Who 
 c^>ver heard of a McLean that hadn't a boat of his ain ? " 
 
 ASKING A BLESSING. 
 
 A Western cattle dealer, who rarely had the privilege 
 of sitting down to meat with a family, and had never been 
 in a minister's house in his life, was not long ago benighted 
 and lost in his ride across the prairies, and compelled to 
 ask for lodgings at the first house he could find. Happily 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 151 
 
 for him it proved to be the dwelling of a good man, a 
 parson, who gave him a cordial welcome, and what was 
 specially agreeable, told him supper would soon be ready. 
 The traveler's appetite was ravenous, and the moment he 
 was asked to sit down he complied ; and without waiting 
 for a second invitation, he laid hold of what he could reach. 
 
 " Stop, stop ! " said the good man of the house, " we are 
 in the habit of saying something here before we eat." 
 
 This hint to wait till a blessing was asked, the rough 
 customer did not understand, but with his mouth full, he 
 muttered : 
 
 " Go ahead, say what you like ; you can't turn my 
 stomach now ! " 
 
 HEALTHIER AT HOME. 
 
 A Jerseyman was very sick and not expected to recover. 
 His friends got around the bed, and one of them says : 
 
 "John, do you feel willing to die ?" 
 
 John made an effort to give his views on the subject, 
 and answered with a feeble voice : 
 
 " 1 think I'd rather stay where I am better acquainted." 
 
 UNCLE PETE WOULDN'T SUBSCRIBE. 
 
 " Uncle Pete " was asked to subscribe fifty cents to his 
 parson's salary the other day. 
 
 " Can't do it, I tell ye. Kase dere's mighty hard times 
 *proachin ' on hyar ! " 
 
 " Oh, no, Pete, de craps is good, and we hab plenty of 
 money dis Winter." 
 
 " You'se a fool ! How kin dat be when I heer Mr 
 Jeemes up der at de bank say dat de Chloraforney Bank 
 done busted, jis like dat Freedman Bank did? Can't 
 
152 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 'scribe nuthin, honey ; but I'll lend de preacher my wood- 
 saw and buck ef he wants to yearn somefin." 
 This proposition was not accepted. 
 
 "It isn't loud praying which counts with the Lord so 
 much as giving four full quarts for every gallon," says an 
 Arkansas circuit rider. 
 
 DAVY CROCKETT'S LITTLE TALE. 
 
 Somewhere in the then far West, two Pennsylvania 
 Germans had built grist-mills on one of the many streams 
 of the country, and by thrift and industry had established 
 a good trade. They were joined not long after their 
 coming by a friend from Berks County, and together the 
 three exiles passed the time pleasantly, growing gray to- 
 gether under the combined influence of age and flour-dust. 
 
 The last arrival of the three, although an honest, hard- 
 working German, was at times possessed of a strange, but 
 harmless, hallucination. At certain seasons he imagined 
 himself to be the Almighty, and on such occasions he would 
 send for his two friends to come and be judged. 
 
 Taking a seat in a high chair in the mill, he would call 
 up one of the pair for judgment. 
 
 " Well, Hans Fuldeveiller, vots you been doing in dis 
 lower world ? " 
 
 To which Hans would immediately reply : 
 
 " Lord, I does not know." 
 
 " Ish you a miller, Hans Fuldeveiller ? " 
 
 " Yaw, Lord ! " 
 
 " Did you ever dake too much toll, Hans ?" 
 Ven der water vos low, and mine shtones vos dull, I 
 did somedimes took too much toll." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 153 
 
 "Den, Hans Fuldeveiller, you go on der left mid der 
 goats." 
 
 The other miller was then called up, questioned like his 
 predecessor, returned the same answers, and was sentenced 
 to the same punishment ; after which the judge tried him- 
 self, as follows : 
 
 " Yake Snyder, stood up ! " 
 
 "Here I ish, Lord!" 
 
 " Ish you a miller, Yake Snyder ? " 
 
 " Yaw, Lord." 
 
 " Did you never took too much toll, Yacob ? " 
 
 "Yaw, good Lord, ven der water vos low and mine 
 shtones vos dull, I did somedimes took too much toll. " 
 
 At this point there was a slight change in the order of 
 the proceedings. In the other cases the culprits had been 
 sentenced immediately upon the acknowledgment of their 
 guilt ; but now the Creator, as personified by the eccentric 
 miller, paused, and for a while was lost in deep thought. 
 At length he said : 
 
 " Yake Snyder, vot did you do with dot extra toll ? " 
 
 " Lord, I gives it to der poor." 
 
 Another pause, and then the judge says : 
 
 " Well, if dot is der case, Yacob, you may go on der 
 right mit der sheep, but it is a mighty tight squeeze ! " 
 
 DAKLIN' MIKE. 
 
 The following is as true as it is absurd : 
 
 An Irish woman in this vicinity had a husband lying at 
 the point of death ; again and again she declared that she 
 would rather die than lose " darlin' Mike." A set of grace- 
 less scamps determined to try her conjugal affection, Hav- 
 
154 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 ing seized a large turkey, they stripped him entirely of his 
 leathers/ Biddy was aloue, groaning and calling on death 
 to come and take her and not Mike. Silently the shanty 
 door opened and the hideous turkey entered, and, led by 
 her shrieks, stalked to her. 
 
 " Oh ! och hone ! Howly Mary defind us ! take Mike 
 first, that's a good cretur ! Howly Mary ! how can I die 
 before my time ? Take Mike first ! " 
 
 Dr. Newman spoke, in a recent sermon, of "the sad 
 funeral procession" which followed Abel to the grave. An 
 irreverent woman in the audience nudged her companion 
 and whispered : " Not such a large procession, but very 
 select. None but the first families." 
 
 Mr. Moore, who derived his pedigree from Noah, 
 explained it in this manner : " Noah had three sons, 
 Shem, Ham, and one mor^." 
 
 A NARROW ESCAPE. 
 
 During a class - meeting held by the Methodist brethren 
 of a Southern village, Brother Jones went among the col- 
 ored portion of the congregation. Finding there a man 
 notorious for his endeavor to serve God on the Sabbath and 
 Satan the rest of the week, he said : 
 
 "Well, Brother Dick, I am glad to see you here. 
 Haven't stole any turkeys since I saw you last, Brother 
 Dick?" 
 
 " No, no, Brudder Jones, no turkeys." 
 "Nor any chickens, Brother Dick ?" 
 " No, no, Brudder Jones ; no chickens." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 155 
 
 " Thank the Lord, Brother Dick ! That's doing well, my 
 brother ! " said Brother Jones, leaving Brother l5ick, who 
 immediately relieved his overburdened conscience by say- 
 ing to a near neighbor, with an immense sigh of relief : 
 
 " If he'd said ducks, he'd had me ! " 
 
 An ignorant old lady was asked by a minister visiting 
 her, if she had religion? She replied: "I have slight 
 touches of it occasionally." 
 
 ONCE COLORED ALWAYS COLORED. 
 
 A negro woman was relating her experience to a gaping 
 congregation of color, and among other things said she 
 had been in Heaven. One of the ladies of color asked 
 her : 
 
 " Sister, did you see any black folks in Heaven ?" 
 " Oh, get out ! you 'spose I go in the kitchen when I 
 was dar ? " 
 
 This reminds us of the anecdote of a colored man who 
 was so convinced of the lowliness of his position, and that 
 labor was his natural lot, that he was even indifferent as 
 to a future state, believing that " dey'U make nigger work 
 eben if he go to Hebbin." 
 
 A clergyman tried to argue him out of this opinion by 
 representing that this could not be the case, inasmuch as 
 there was absolutely no work for him to do in Heaven. 
 His answer was : 
 
 "Oh, you g'way, Massa. I know better. If dere's no 
 work for culled folks up dar, dey'U make some fur 'em, 
 and if dere's nuffin better to do, dey'U make 'em shub de 
 clouds along. You can't fool dis chile, Massa." 
 
156 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 ^ VERY EASILY FRIGHTENED. 
 
 A foolish Irish fellow went to the parish priest, and told 
 him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. 
 
 " When and where ? " said the pastor. 
 
 " Last night," replied the timid man, " I was passing by 
 the church, and up against the wall of it did I behold the 
 spectre." 
 
 " In what shape did it appear ? " inquired the priest. 
 
 " It appeared in the shape of a great ass." 
 
 " Go home and hold your tongue about it," rejoined the 
 priest; "you are a very timid man, and have been fright- 
 ened by your own shadow." 
 
 THE LAST OF THE SARPINTS. 
 
 " The serpent, is it ? " said Picket in reply. " Sure, 
 everybody has heard tell of the blessed St. Patrick, and 
 how he drum the sarpints^ and all manner of venomous 
 things, out of Ireland — how he bothered all the varmint 
 entirely ; but for all that, there was one ould sarpint left, 
 who was too cunning to be talked out of the country and 
 made to drown himself. St. Patrick didn't well know how 
 to manage this fellow, who was doing great havoc : till at 
 last he bethought himself, and got a strong iron chest 
 made, with nine boults upon it. 
 
 "So one fine morning he takes a walk to where the 
 sarpint used to keep ; and the sarpint, who didn't like tlte 
 Saint in the least — and small blame to him for that -r- 
 began to hiss and show his teeth at him like any thing. 
 'Oh,' says St. Patrick, says he, 'where's the use of making 
 such a piece of work about a gentleman, like myself, 
 coming to see you? — 'tis a nice house I have got made 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 157 
 
 for you agin the winter ; for I am going to civilize the 
 whole country, man and beast,' says he, 'and you can come 
 and look at it whenever you please, and 'tis myself will be 
 glad to see you.' 
 
 " The sarpint, hearing such smooth words, thought that 
 though St. Patrick had druve all the rest of the sarpints 
 into the sea, he meant no harm to himself ; so the sarpint 
 walks fair and easy up to see him and the house he was 
 speaking about. But when the sarpint saw the nine great 
 boults upon the chest, he thought he was sould^ and was 
 for making off with himself as fast as he could. 
 
 ""Tis a nice warm house you see,' says St. Patrick, 
 *and 'tis a good friend I am to you.' 
 
 "'I thank you, kindly, St. Patrick, for your civility,' 
 says the sarpint, ' but I think it's too small it is for me ; ' 
 meaning it for an excuse, and away he was going. 
 
 " ' Too small ! ' says St. Patrick ; ' stop, if you please,' 
 says he ; 'you're out in that, my boy, anyhow — I am sure 
 'twill fit you completely ; and, PU tell you what,' says he, 
 'PU bet you a gallon of porter,' says he, 'that if you'll only 
 try and get in, there'll be plenty of room for you.' 
 
 "The sarpint was as thirsty as he could be with his 
 walk, and 'twas great joy to him the thoughts of doing St. 
 Patrick out of the gallon of porter ; so, swelling himself 
 up as big as he could, he got into the chest, all but a little 
 bit of his tail. ' There, now,' says he, ' I've won the gallon, 
 for you see the house is too small for me, for I can't get 
 in my tail.' When, what does St. Patrick do but he comes 
 behind the great heavy lid of the chest, and, putting his 
 two hands to it, down he flaps it with a bang like thunder. 
 When the rogue of a sarpint saw the lid coming down, in 
 went his tail like a shot, for fear of being whipped off him, 
 
158 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 and St. Patrick began at once to boult the nine iron 
 boults. 
 
 * Oh ! murder ! Won't you let me out, St. Patrick ? ' 
 says the sarpint — ' I've lost the bet fairly, and I'll pay you 
 the gallon like a man.' 
 
 " ' Let you out, my darling ? ' says St. Patrick, ' to be 
 sure I will, by all manner of means, but you see, I haven't 
 time now, so you must wait till to-morrow.' 
 
 " And so he took the iron chest, with the sarpint in it, 
 and pitches it into the lake here, where it is to this hour, 
 for certain ; and 'tis the sarpint struggling down at the 
 bottom that makes the waves upon it. Many is the living 
 man," continued Picket, "besides myself, has heard the sar- 
 pint crying out from within the chest under the water : 
 'Is it to-morrow yet? — is it to-morrow yet?' which, to 
 be sure, it never can be. And that's the way St. Patrick 
 settled the last of the sarpints, sir." 
 
 Two colored men took refuge under a tree in a violent 
 thunder shower : 
 
 " Julius, can you pray ? " said one. 
 
 " No, Sam," was the reply. '' Nebber prayed in my 
 life." 
 
 " Well, can't you sing a hymn ? " 
 
 " No, Sam ; don't know no hymn." 
 
 "Well, see heah, honey, sumfin' 'ligious 's got to be 
 done heah mighty sudden. S'pose you pass round the con- 
 tribution box ? " 
 
 A PRACTICAL JOKER. 
 
 The Rev. Hosea Brown, an eccentric Methodist minister, 
 stopped one night at one of the hotels in Ann Arbor, and 
 inquired if he could have a room and bed to himself. Th« 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 159 
 
 clerk told him he could, unless they should be so full 
 as to render it necessary to put another in with him. 
 
 At an early hour the reverend gent went to his room, 
 locked the door, and soon retired to his bed, and sank into 
 a comfortable sleep. 
 
 Along toward midnight he was roused from his slum- 
 bers by a loud knocking at his door. 
 
 " Halloo ! you there," he exclaimed, " who do you want 
 now f " — particular stress on the last word. 
 
 " You must take another lodger, sir, with you," said the 
 voice of the landlord. 
 
 "What! another yet?" 
 
 " Why, yes — there is only one in here, isn't there ?" 
 
 " One ! why here is Mr. Brown, and a Methodist 
 preacher, and myself, already, and I should think that 
 enough for one bed, even in Michigan." 
 
 The landlord seemed to think so too, and left the trio 
 to their repose. 
 
 " Sal," cried a girl, looking out at the upper story of a 
 small grocery, addressing another girl who was trying to 
 enter at the front door, " we've all been to camp meeting 
 and been converted ; so when you want milk on Sunday, 
 you'll have to come round to the back door." 
 
 WHO ARE THE WOLVES ? 
 
 An old and weather-worn trapper was recently seen 
 sauntering along the main street of one of our Western 
 villages. Pausing in front of a little meeting house for a 
 moment, he went in and took his seat among the congre- 
 gation The preacher was discoursing on the text of " the 
 11 
 
160 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 sheep and the wolves," and had evidently been drawing a 
 
 contrast between the two subjects. Says he : 
 
 " We who have assembled here from week to week and 
 
 do our duty, and perform our part, are the sheep ; now 
 
 who are the wolves ? " 
 
 A pause, and our friend the trapper rose to his feet : 
 " Wa'al, stranger, rather than see the play stopped, I 
 
 will be the wolves." The preacher was vanquished. 
 
 The Rev. Mr. A was more prominent in his day 
 
 for the brilliancy of his imagination than the force of his 
 logic. At one time he was preaching on " The Ministry of 
 Angels," and in the peroration he suddenly observed : " I 
 hear a whisper ? " The change of tone startled the deacon, 
 who sat below, from a drowsy mood, and, springing to his 
 feet, he spoke : " I guess it is the boys in the gallery. 
 
 BRUDDER DICKSON. 
 
 Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England 
 town, was shaving one of his customers, a respectable citi- 
 zen, one morning, when a conversation occurred between 
 them respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a 
 colored church in that place : 
 
 " I believe you are connected with the ch' irch in Elm 
 Street, are you not, Mr. Dickson ? " said the .ustomer. 
 
 " No sah, not at all." 
 
 " What ! are you not a member of the African church ?" 
 " Not dis yeah, sah." 
 
 " Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if 
 I may be permitted to ask ? " 
 
 " Well, I'll tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 161 
 
 concave razor on the palm of his hand, "it was just like 
 (lis. I jined the church in good fait. I gave ten dollars 
 toward the stated gospil de fuss year, and de church people 
 call me ' £rudder Dickson '^'^ de second year my business 
 "Vas not so good, and I gib only ^five dollars. That year 
 the people call me il/r. Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, 
 sah ? " 
 
 "No, the razor goes tolerably well." 
 
 "Well, sah, de third year I feel berry poor ; had sick- 
 ness in my family ; I didn't gib noffin* for preachin'. 
 Well, sah, arter dat dey call me ' dat old nigger Dickson ' 
 — and I left 'em." 
 
 It rather hit the nail on the head when a lady, on being 
 asked the meaning of the words : " The pestilence that 
 walketh in the darkness," replied, " that, in her opinion, it 
 was bed bugs." 
 
 A NICE, AISY JOB. 
 
 Two sons of Erin, shoveling sand on a hot day, stopped 
 to rest, and exchanged views on the labor question. 
 
 " Pat, this is mighty hard work we're at." 
 
 " It is, indeed, Jimmy ; but what kind of work is it 
 you'd like if ye could get it ? " 
 
 " Well," said the other, leaning reflectively upon his 
 shovel, and wiping the perspiration ofl" with the back of his 
 hand, " for a nice, aisy, clane business I think I would like 
 to be a bishop." 
 
 TOO GREEN TO LIVE. 
 
 A greenhorn from the country got lost the other day 
 from his sweetheart, and was rushing hurriedly down the 
 crowded streets to find her. After running about two 
 
162 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 squares he saw quite a number of people going into a large 
 building, which happened to be a church, and he concluded 
 to rush in and see if she was there. Before he discovered 
 where he was, he landed in the middle aisle, half way down 
 the church. The minister, seeing the excited lunatic, 
 thought he was seeking religion, stopped preaching and 
 asked : 
 
 "I say, young man, are you looking for salvation ?" 
 
 " No, sir, I don't know her at all. I'm looking for Sal 
 Stickem ; is she here?" At this point the congregation 
 smiled, and the ushers had business for this fellow at the 
 front door, and hustled him out. 
 
 A QUARTETTE OF GOOD ONES. 
 
 That singular Western sect, the Anti-means Baptists," 
 otherwise known as the Hard-shells " or " Whisky Bap- 
 tists," have many sins of ignorance to answer for ; but 
 ignorance pure is only amusing. The man who took his 
 text from the " Book of one - eyed Samuel " was at least 
 interesting in the outset, and that was something. An 
 ear-witness tells of a cantankerous Kentucky Hard-shell 
 who read from Revelations, "And there appeared a great 
 wonder in heaven : a woman — " Pausing here, he added, 
 " Yes, John, it was a wonder if there was a woman there. 
 It was the first one and the last one as'll ever get there." 
 This was a spicy and unconventional application of Scrip- 
 ture, and reminds one in its frankness of the better one of 
 Owen Lovejoy, who, when he was a minister in Maine, was 
 outraged by the persistency of the mill-owners in their habit 
 of sawing logs bearing other men's marks. He read for his 
 text one Sunday : " Thou shalt not steal logs," and added 
 vehemently, " Now, do you know what that means ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 163 
 
 He was not a Hard-shell, either, who rendered himself 
 immortal by telling an audience in Southern Illinois that 
 "they persecuted John the Baptist, and put him in a 
 ca'ldern of bilin' ile, an' that ile was the ile of Patmos, 
 wherein he writ his revelation." 
 
 An illiterate negro preacher once said to his congrega- 
 tion : " My bredrin, when de fust man, Adam, was created, 
 he was made ob wet clay, and set up agin de palins to 
 dry." 
 
 " Do you say," said one of the congregation, rising 
 to his feet, " dat Adam was made ob wet clay, an' set up 
 agin the palins to dry ? " 
 
 "Yes, sar, I do." 
 
 " Den who made de palins ? " 
 
 "Set down, sar," said the preacher, sternly ; "sich ques- 
 tions as dat would upset any system ob theology." 
 
 A market man was mercilessly swindled in the town 
 
 of B . His misfortune gave him a very unfavorable 
 
 opinion of the residents, and he expressed his opinion of 
 
 them by saying that if the Angel Gabriel stopped at B 
 
 there would be no resurrection. "Why ?" asked a listener. 
 " Because the people would swindle him out of his horn 
 before he had time to blow a single toot." 
 
 WISH I WAS A JUNE BUG. 
 
 She was a colored lady, and attending a revival of 
 religion, and had worked herself up to the extreme pitch 
 of going to the place in a moment, or sooner if possible. 
 As her friends gave vent to their feelings, she likewise 
 gave vent to her feelings, and exclaimed : 
 
 B 
 
164 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " I wish I was a June bug ! " 
 
 A brother of sable hue, standing near by, inquired : 
 " What do you want to be one for ? " 
 « That I might fly to Heaven." 
 
 " You fool nigger ; woodpecker ketch you 'fore you get 
 half way dar." 
 
 A small child being asked by Sunday-school teacher, 
 "What did the Israelites do after they crossed the Red 
 Sea ? " answered, " I don't know, ma'am, but I guess they 
 dried themselves." 
 
 AN EASY CREDITOR. 
 
 Some time ago, on the Sabbath day, we wended our 
 way to one of our churches, and instead of a sermon, heard 
 an address upon some missionary or other benevolent sub- 
 ject. After the address was concluded, two of the brethren 
 were sent round with the basket for contributions. Parson 
 
 L , who was one of the basket bearers, taking the side 
 
 upon which we sat. Immediately in our front, and upon. 
 
 the next seat, negligently reclined our friend Bill H , 
 
 a gentleman of infinite humor and full of dry jokes. Par- 
 son L extended the basket, and Bill slowly shook his 
 
 head. 
 
 " Come, William, give us something," said the parson. 
 
 " Can't do it," replied Bill. 
 
 " Why not ? Is not the cause a good one ? " 
 
 " Yes, but I am not able to give anything." 
 Pooh ! pooh ! I know better ; you must give a better 
 reason than that." 
 
 "Well, I owe too much money — I must be just before 
 I'm generous, you know." 
 
•WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 165 
 
 " But, William, you owe God a larger debt than you 
 owe anybody else." 
 
 " That's true, parson, but then He ainH pushing me like 
 the balance of my creditors.'^'* 
 
 The parson's face got into rather a curious condition, 
 and he passed on. 
 
 ALWAYS THOUGHT SO. 
 
 " I always thought so ! " is the very wise remark which 
 everybody makes when the most unlikely thing in the 
 world has just happened. It argues great penetration and 
 foresight ; and as no one has a right to dispute the remark, 
 we may fancy it is believed. 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Jones was chaplain to the State prison in 
 
 , and a very judicious appointment it was. The old 
 
 gentleman had retired from active pastoral life, and his 
 venerable appearance and gentle manners were fitted to 
 inspire respect even among thieves. When the fact of his 
 appointment was made known, a member of the Methodist 
 Church, residing within one of the circuits where Father 
 Jones had preached for many years and was well known, 
 having some business to transact with one of his neighbors, 
 thought he would have a joke at the expense of old Mr. 
 Jones, and astonish his neighbor in the bargain. Now, 
 this neighbor. Brown, had been a great admirer of Father 
 Jones, had shouted the loudest under his preaching, and 
 cheered him with the heartiest Amen ! So, to him came 
 the humorous friena, Mr. Smith, and cried out to him over 
 the fence, as he found him at work : 
 
 " Brother Brown, have you heard the news ?" 
 
 " Why, no. What n^ws, Brother Smith ? " 
 
166 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Well, they say old Father Jones has been sent to the 
 State's prison ! " 
 
 " You don't say so, Brother Smith ! Is it really a fact ?" 
 
 " I guess it's so," says Smith ; " I heard it from Brother 
 Cook, and he saw it in the paper, and I guess there's no 
 mistake about it." 
 
 " Well, well ! Now, Brother Smith, I'll tell you a thing 
 or two that I never did tell nobody before, not even my 
 wife. The fact is, between you and me and that stone 
 wall, I always thought that old Jones wasn't exactly the 
 right kind of a man ; and when he was here I used to 
 think he'd get into the State's prison one of these days. I 
 think the old sinner is better in it than out among honest 
 folks." 
 
 Mr. Smith left him without explaining the misapprehen- 
 sion, preferring that the scandal-loving Brown should find 
 out his error by degrees. All the world does love to kick 
 a man going down hill. 
 
 A preacher in one of the fashionable London churches 
 is reported to have said, " St. Paul remarks, and I partially 
 agree with him." This reminds us of the judge who, in 
 sentencing a prisoner to death, observed, " Prisoner at the 
 bar, you will soon have to appear before another and per- 
 haps a better Judge." 
 
 Teacher. "What bird did Noah send out of the ark ?" 
 
 Smallest boy in the class, after a pause. " A dove, sir." 
 
 Teacher. " Very well, but I sho^'Ia have thought some 
 of you big boys would have known that." 
 
 Tall pupil. " Please, sir, that boy ought to know, sir, 
 'cause his father's a bird ketcher, sir." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 167 
 
 WHAT WAS THE MIRACLE ? 
 
 A darkey returning from church was asked to give an 
 account of the sermon : 
 
 " Well, sah, de sermon was upon de miracle ob de loaves 
 and de fishes. De minister said how der was seven thou- 
 sand loaves and five thousand fishes divided between de 
 twelve apostles." 
 
 "Well, what miracle was there about that?" 
 
 " Why, sah, de miracle was dat dey didn't bust 1 Dat's 
 my perception ob de circumstance." 
 
 A Scotchman asked an Irishman, "Why were half- 
 farthings coined in England ? " 
 
 Pat's answer was : " To give Scotchmen an opportunity 
 of subscribing to charitable institutions." 
 
 " Why," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, 
 " do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, 
 while you are all attention to every stranger I invite ? " 
 
 " Because, sir," was the reply, " when you preach I'm 
 sure all's right ; but I can't trust a stranger without keeping 
 a sharp lookout." 
 
 COULDN'T PRAY WITHOUT BEING DISTURBED. 
 A negro, who was suspected of surreptitiously meddling 
 with his neighbor's fruit, being caught in a garden by 
 moonlight, nonplussed his detectors by raising his eyes, 
 clasping his hands, and piously exclaiming : " Good Lord ! 
 dis yere darkey can't go nowhere to pray any more without 
 bein' 'sturbed." 
 
 " I take my tex dis morning," said a colored preacher, 
 " from dat po'tion ob de Scriptures whar de Postol Paul 
 pints his pistol to de Fessions." 
 
168 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 A parson reading the funeral service at the grave, forgot 
 the sex of the deceased, and asked one of the mourners, an 
 Emeralder : " Is this a brother or a sister ? " 
 
 " Neither," replied Pat, " only a cousin." 
 
 A DIFFICULT QUESTION TO ANSWER. 
 
 In the western part of the State of Pennsylvania it is 
 the custom of the Methodists to hold camp-meetings, during 
 which there is much loud preaching and shouting by the 
 members. Some years since one of these meetings was in 
 full blast, and the noise attracted an old backwoodsman, 
 who had never seen anything of the kind before. He came 
 to the edge of the camp, seated himself on a log, rested his 
 rifle on his knees, and became an attentive listener. The 
 sermon over, the exhorters " began to circulate, and one 
 of them singled the old fellow out as a good subject to 
 operate upon. He began by questioning him and s^ip- 
 posing cases to him, until he could neither say " yes " nor 
 " no," he would or he wouldn't. He finally broke out (and 
 he stuttered " orfully ") with " Mister p-preacher, m-m-may 
 I ax y-you a q-question ? " 
 
 " Certainly." 
 
 S-sposin'^ y-you w-was out y-yere in the w-woods, and 
 ssposiri' a great b-big b-b'ar was ter come along and swal- 
 swal-swallow you, and s-sposirC y-you was ter look out er 
 the b-b'ar's m-mouth and see a p-pack er w- wolves a-comin', 
 what would y-you do ? Would you p-pull yer h-head in 
 or w-would you k-kick like blazes ter make him r-run 
 faster?" 
 
 Before " Mister Preacher " could decide, the old fellow 
 had shouldered his rifle and disappeared in the woods. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 169 
 
 LET BRUDDER RYAN PRAY. 
 
 We don't often find in a religious journal much to laugh 
 at, but the following, from the Religious Telescope^ relating 
 to a revival among some colored brethren, will bring a 
 smile to almost everybody. 
 
 We were present a few evenings since, and witnessed, 
 with much gratification, their earnest devotion in the good 
 cause. All seemed to feel the need of a more thorough 
 reformation. Of the incidents consequent we can not 
 fail to note one. A brother was supplicating the Throne 
 eloquently when another brother called out in a stentorian 
 voice : 
 
 " Who dat prayin' ober dar ? " 
 
 The response was : 
 
 " Dat's brudder Mose." 
 
 " Hold on dar, brudder Mose," was the dictum of the 
 former, " you let brudder Ryan pray, he's better 'quainted 
 wid de Lord dan you am ! " 
 
 MUTTON VERSUS SOULS. 
 
 Let me tell you an incident. I know it to be true, for it 
 
 occurred here in Zanesville. Judge A , the individual 
 
 mentioned, is our present member of Congress, and Parson 
 Jones, the old negro preacher (Heaven rest his bones), 
 with his old gray mare and rickety cart, has long since 
 returned to dust. The judge was present at the delivery 
 of one of his sermons, and was brought in by the speaker 
 by way of illustrating a certain position then and there 
 taken by him. 
 
 " My dear friends and brethren," said he, de soul ob 
 de brack man is as dear in de sight ob de Lord as de soul 
 
170 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 ob de white man. Now you all see Judge a-sitting 
 
 dah leaning on his golden headed cane ; you all know de 
 judge, niggas, and a berry fine man he is, too. Well, 
 now, I'se gwine to make a little comparishment : Suppose 
 de judge, some fine mornin' puts his basket under his arm 
 and goes to market to buy a piece of meat. He soon finds 
 a nice fat piece of mutton and goes off with it. Do you 
 'spose de judge would stop to 'quire wedder dat mutton 
 was ob a white sheep or ob a brack sheep ? No, nuffin ob 
 de kind ; if de mutton was nice an' fat it would be all de 
 same to de judge ; he would not stop to ax wedder de 
 sheep had white wool or brack wool. Well, jis so it is, 
 my frens, wid our Hebenly Master. He does not stop to 
 ax wedder a soul 'longs to a white man or a brack man — 
 wedder his head was kivered wid straight har or kivered 
 wid wool ; the only question he would ax will be, ' Is dis a 
 good soul ? ' and if so de Massa will say, ' Enter into de joy 
 ob de Lord, an' sit down on de same bench wid de white 
 man ; ye's all on a perfect 'quality." 
 
 CAMP -MEETING INCIDENT. 
 
 Our readers may remember the story of the " soaping " 
 of the signal horn. The story runs that when a certain 
 revivalist celebrity took up the horn, to summon the wor- 
 shippers to service, after dinner, one day, he blew a strong 
 blast of soft soap all over the astonished brethren. It is 
 also said by the chronicler of this "item" that the brother 
 was so wroth at this joke that he cried out aloud, " Breth- 
 ren, I have passed through many trials and tribulations, 
 but nothing like this. 1 have served the ministry for thirty 
 years, and in that time have never uttered a profane word, 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 171 
 
 but I'll be cussed if I can't whip the man that soaped that 
 horn." 
 
 Well, this is a story ; but we have from a Tellable 
 authority, something a little stronger in the sequel to the 
 same incident. This is given to us as follows : 
 
 Some two days after the horn -soaping, a tall, swarthy, 
 villainous-looking desperado strolled on the grounds, and 
 leaned against a tree, listening to the eloquent exhortation 
 to repent which was being made by the preacher. After a 
 while he became interested, finally affected, and then took 
 a position on the anxious seat, commenced groaning in 
 " the very bitterness " of his sorrow. The clergyman walked 
 down and endeavored to console him. No consolation — 
 he was too great a sinner, he said. Oh, no — there was 
 pardon for the vilest. No, he was too wicked — there 
 was no mercy for him. 
 
 "Why, what crime have you committed?" said the 
 preacher ; " have you stolen ? " 
 
 " Oh, worse than that ! " 
 
 " What ! have you committed perjury ? " 
 
 "Worse than that — oh, worse than that ?" 
 
 '-''Murder^ is it ? " gasped the horrified preacher. 
 
 " Worse than that ! " groaned the smitten sinner. 
 
 The excited preacher commenced "peeling off" his 
 outer garments. 
 
 "Here, Brother Cole!" shouted he, " hold my coat — 
 I've found the fellow that soaped that horn ! " 
 
 A farmer who wished to invest the accumulation of his 
 industry in United States securities, went into a broker's 
 office to obtain "some five-twenties." The clerk inquired : 
 
 " What denomination will you have them, sir ? " 
 
172 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Having never heard that word used except to distinguish 
 sects, the farmer, after a little deliberation, replied : " Well, 
 you may give me a part in Old School Presbyterian, to 
 please the old lady ; but give me the heft on't in Free Will 
 Baptist." 
 
 An elderly darkey inquired of a policeman if he knew 
 anything of his son Pete. 
 
 The policeman replied that there was a young darkey 
 in the lock-up for breaking up a prayer-meeting with an 
 ax-handle. 
 
 " Dat's him," exclaimed the overjoyed parent "He told 
 me he was gwine to 'muse himself." 
 
 Two little girls were comparing progress in catechism 
 study : 
 
 " I've got to original sin," said one. " How far have 
 you got ? " 
 
 " Me ? Oh, I'm way beyond redemption," said the other. 
 
 THE NEW PRISON CHAPLAIN. 
 
 A new prison chaplain was recently appointed in a cer- 
 tain town. He was a man who greatly magnified his office, 
 and, entering one of the cells on his first round of inspec- 
 tion, he, with much pomposity, thus addressed the prisoner 
 who occupied it : 
 
 " W^ell, sir, do you know who I am ? " 
 
 " No, nor I dinna care," was the nonchalant reply. 
 
 " Well, I'm your new chaplain." 
 
 "Oh, ye are ! Well, I hae heard o' ye before." 
 
 "And what did you hear?" returned the chaplain, his 
 ^riosity getting the better of his dignity. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 173 
 
 " Weel, I heard that the last twa kirks ye were in ye 
 preached them baith empty ; but I'll be hanged if ye find 
 it such an easy matter to do the same wi' this ane ! " 
 
 Ritualistic hostess. " Are you going to church with us 
 this evening, major ?" 
 
 The Major. " Thanks, no ! I was at the morning per- 
 formance ! ! " 
 
 AS DRY AS EVER. 
 
 A Scotch minister thus discoursed on the carelessness of 
 his flock : 
 
 " Brethren, when you leave the church just look down at 
 the Duke's swans ; they are very bonny swans, an' they'll 
 be sooming about an' aye dooking doon their heads and 
 laving theirsels wi' the clear water till they're a' drookit ; 
 then you'll see them sooming to the shore, an they'll gae 
 their wings a bit o' flap and they're dry again. Now, my 
 friends, you come here every Sabbath, an' I lave you 
 a'-ower wi' the Gospel till ye're fairly drooit wi' it. But 
 you just gang awa' hame, an' sit down by your fireside, gae 
 your wings a bit o' flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again." 
 
 Some people seem to be extremely sensitive. At one 
 of the churches Sunday, the minister read the prayer for a 
 person in deep afiliction, and a man who had just been 
 married got up and went out. He said he didn't want 
 public sympathy obtruded on him in that way. 
 
 A few years ago, at a negro camp -meeting, held near 
 Flushing, the colored preacher said : 
 
 " I tell you, my blubbed bredern, dat de debble is a big 
 
174 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 hog^ an' one ob dese days he'll cum along an' root you all 
 out." 
 
 An old negro, in one of the anxious pews, hearing this, 
 raised himself from the straw, and, clasping his hands, 
 exclaimed in the agony of his tears, " Ring him, Lord ! 
 ring him ! " 
 
 "Children," said a country minister, addressing a Sun- 
 day school, " why are we like flowers ? What do we have 
 that flowers have ? " 
 
 And a small boy in the infants' class, whose breath 
 smelled of vermifuge, rose up and made reply : 
 
 " Worms ! " and the minister crept under the pulpit 
 chair to hide his emotion. 
 
 Old Deacon Sharp never told a lie ; but he used to 
 relate this : He was standing one day before a frog -pond, 
 and saw a large garter snake make an attack upon an 
 enormous bull-frog. The snake seized on the frog's hind 
 legs, and the frog, to be on a par with his snakeship, caught 
 him by the tail, and both commenced swallowing each 
 other, and continued this carnivorous operation until 
 nothing was left of them. 
 
 PERSONAL PREACHING. 
 
 Bishop Ames tells a story of a slavemaster in Missouri, 
 in the olden time of negro vassalage, who said to his chattel : 
 
 " Pompey, I hear you are a great preacher." 
 
 " Yes, massa, de Lord do help me powerful sometimes." 
 
 " Well, Pompey, don't you think the negroes steal little 
 things on the plantation ? " 
 
 " I'se mighty 'fraid they does, massa." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 175 
 
 " Then, Pompey, I want you to preach a sermon to the 
 negroes about stealing." 
 
 After a brief reflection, Pompey replied : 
 " You see, massa, dat wouldn't never do, cause 'twould 
 trow such a col'ness over the meetin'." 
 
 BRAVERY IN THE DARK. 
 
 A brave old darkey, during the last Millerite excite- 
 ment, had boasted that "he wa'n't afraid ob de angel ob de 
 Lord. No, sah ! " 
 
 The darkey slept in a room finished off with a rough 
 partition. One night, just as he was getting into bed, he 
 was startled with a knocking on the partition, which made 
 it jar. 
 
 "Whodar?" 
 
 " The angel of de Lord ! " 
 
 " What ur want ? " 
 
 "Want Sambo." 
 
 Out went the light, and under the bed-clothes went 
 Sambo. 
 
 " No sich nigger here, sah ! been dead dese tree weeks." 
 
 A thick-headed squire, being worsted by Sydney Smith 
 in an argument, took his revenge by exclaiming : " If I had 
 a son that was an idiot, by Jove, I'd make him a parson ! " 
 
 " Very probable," replied Sydney, " but I see your father 
 was of a very different mind." 
 
 NO MORE QUESTIONS FOR HIM. 
 
 The Rev. Dr. R , of Edinburgh, although a very 
 
 clever man, has met his match. When examining a student 
 as to the classes he had attended, he said : 
 
 12 
 
176 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "And you attend the class for mathematics?'* 
 «Yes.'' 
 
 " How many sides has a circle ? " 
 " Two," said the student. 
 " What are they ? " 
 
 What a laugh in the class the student's answer produced 
 when he said, "An inside and an outside ! " 
 
 But this was nothing compared with what followed. 
 The doctor having said to the student : 
 
 "And you attended the philosophy class, also? Well, 
 you would hear lectures on subjects. Did you ever hear 
 one on cause and effect ? " 
 
 "Yes.'' 
 
 " Does an effect ever go before a cause ? " 
 " Yes." 
 
 "Give me an instance." 
 
 " A man wheeling a barrow." 
 
 The doctor then sat down, and proposed no more 
 questions. 
 
 SOMEWHAT IN DOUBT. 
 A good one happened at a camp-meeting. An old lady, 
 appearing to be greatly distressed, attracted the sympathy 
 of one of the brethren, who went to her, and, in kindly 
 tones, asked if he could do anything for her. He inquired 
 if she had got religion. 
 
 She took on greatly, and finally answered : 
 
 "I don't know ; mebbe ifs religion — mebbe ii^s worms?'* 
 
 VERY COMPLIMENTARY. 
 "Well, Father Brown, how did you like my sermon 
 yesterday ? " asked a young preacher. 
 
 " Ye see, parson," was the reply, " I haven't a fair chance 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 177 
 
 at them sermons of yourn. I'm an old man now, and have 
 to set putty well back by the stove; and there's old Mrs. 
 Smith, 'n Widder Taff, n Mrs. Rylan's darters, and Nabby 
 Birt, 'n all the rest setting in front of me with their mouths 
 wide open, a-swallerin' down all the best of the sermon; 
 'n what gits down to me is putty poor stuff, parson, putty 
 poor stuff." 
 
 A STRONG ARGUMENT. 
 An old negro, near Victoria, Texas, who was the only 
 Baptist in the neighborhood, always " stuck up for his own 
 faith," and was ready with a reason for it, although he was 
 unable to read a word. This was the way he "put 'em 
 down: " 
 
 You kin read, now, keant you?" 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, I s'pose you've read the Bible, hain't you?" 
 "Yes." 
 
 " You've read about John de Baptist, hain't you? " 
 "Yes." 
 
 Well, you never read about John de Methodis^^ did 
 you? You see I has de Bible on my side, den. Yah, 
 ya-a-h!" 
 
 SIT DOWN, YE SPALPEEN. 
 One evening Pat chanced to drop into a quiet meeting- 
 house belonging to the Quakers, and being rather aston- 
 ished as to what manner of place it was, resolved to remain 
 quiet and abide the course of events. He behaved himself 
 with remarkable decorum, until a young broad-brim, no 
 doul)t moved by the spirit, and in a somewhat unusual 
 tone, informed the hearers, "I have married a wife," evi- 
 dently being about speaking in meeting from this as a text. 
 
178 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Pat was excited, and called out: "The divil ye have ?" 
 
 This interruption rather confused the young man ; but 
 he continued : " I have married a daughter of the Lord." 
 
 This was too much for our Emerald Islander, who 
 exclaimed : " Sit down, ye spalpeen ! It'll be a long time 
 before you see your father-in-law." 
 
 TAKING UP A COLLECTION. 
 
 The hat was passed around a certain congregation for 
 the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made 
 the circuit of the church, it was handed to the minister — 
 who, by the way, had exchanged pulpits with the regular 
 preacher — and he found not a penny in it. He inverted 
 the hat over the pulpit cushion and shook it, that its empti- 
 ness might be known ; then, raising his eyes to the ceiling, 
 he exclaimed with great fervor : " I thank God that I got 
 back my hat from this congregation." 
 
 " Well, neighbor Slummidge, how much shall I put you 
 down for to get a chandelier for the church ? " 
 
 Neighbor S. " Shoo ! what we want to git a chandeleer 
 for ? The' hain't nobody kin play on ter it when we do 
 git it?" 
 
 THE UNCERTAINTY OF LIFE. 
 
 Some of the most eloquent speakers we have ever heard 
 have been very unlearned men. The most celebrated 
 divines of this city would have labored through a two 
 hours' sermon, from firstly to thirty-secondly, to show what 
 is contained in the following extract from a sermon at a 
 negro camp-meeting in Kentucky, on the uncertainty of 
 life: 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 179 
 
 " Bredren and sisters, man am like the rooster ; in de 
 morning he fly upon de fence, clap his wings, crow and 
 feel berry nice, but alas ! before noon he may be killed, 
 put in de pot, boiled and eat up." 
 
 To illustrate further the practical and concise nature of 
 negro literature, we make the following extract from a 
 work on Natural History : 
 
 " Man is de first animal in creation ; he springs up like 
 a sparrow-grass, hops about like a hopper -grass, and dies 
 just like a jack -ass!" 
 
 *'WHEN ABRAHAM BUILT THE ARK." 
 
 The Hard -Shell Baptists of the Southwest are well- 
 known. They oppose all Bible, temperance, and educa- 
 tional societies, hate missions to the heathen, and are 
 dead -set against all modern schemes for converting the 
 rest of mankind. Of course they are opposed to learning, 
 and speak as they are moved by the spirit. 
 
 A good one is told of one of their preachers : 
 
 Two of them were in the same pulpit together. While 
 one was preaching he happened to say : 
 
 " When Abraham built the ark." 
 
 The one behind him strove to correct his blunder by 
 saying out loud : 
 
 " Abraham vKirn^t thar ! " 
 
 But the speaker pushed on, heedless of the interrup- 
 tion, and only took occasion shortly, to repeat, still more 
 decidedly : 
 
 " I say when Abraham built the ark." 
 
 "And I say," cried out the other, Abraham loarnH 
 thar ! " 
 
 The Hard Shell was too hard to be beaten down in this 
 
180 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 way, and, addressing the people, exclaimed with great 
 indignation : " I say Abraham was thar^ or thar aboiits ! " 
 
 CUT FOR A NEW DEAL. 
 
 A Chicago parson, who is also a school - teacher, handed 
 a problem to a class in mathematics the other day. The 
 first boy took it, looked at it awhile, and said : 
 
 " I pass." 
 
 Second boy stared at it, and drawled out : 
 " I can't make it." 
 
 " Very well, boys," said the parson, " we'll proceed to 
 cut for a new deal." 
 
 And with this remark the leather strap danced like 
 lightning over the shoulders of these depraved mathema- 
 ticians. 
 
 HE." 
 
 Highlanders have the habit, when talking their English, 
 such as it is, of interjecting the personal pronoun "he" 
 where not required — such as "The King he has come," 
 instead of " The King has come." Often, in consequence, 
 a sentence or an expression is rendered sufficiently ludi- 
 crous, as the sequel will show. 
 
 A gentleman says he has had the pleasure of listening 
 
 to a clever man, the Rev. Mr. (let his locality be a 
 
 secret), and recently he began his discourse thus : 
 
 " My friends, you will find the subject of discourse this 
 afternoon in the first Epistle general of the Apostle Peter, 
 chapter 5th and verse 8th, in the words : "The devil he 
 goeth about like a roaring lion ; seeking whom he may 
 devour.' Now, my friends, with your leave, we will divide 
 the subject of our text to-day into four heads : 
 
WIT AND HUMO'l. 
 
 181 
 
 " Firstly, we shall endeavor to ascei l;ain ' Who the devil 
 he was.' 
 
 " Secondly, we shall inquire into ' lis geographical posi- 
 tion — namely, 'Where the devil he v/as,' and ' Where the 
 devil he was going.' 
 
 " Thirdly, and this is of a persona 1 character, ' Who the 
 devil he was seeking.' 
 
 "And fourthly and lastly, we shal endeavor to solve a 
 question which has never been sol/ed yet: 'What the 
 devil he was roaring about.'" 
 
 A Scotch minister recently told Ms neighbor that he 
 spoke two hours and a half the Sunda^^ previous. 
 
 " Why, minister, were you not tire 1 to death ?" asked 
 the neighbor. 
 
 "Aw nae," said he; "I was as fresli as a rose; but it 
 would have done your heart good to see how tired the 
 congregation was." 
 
 A minister at a colored wedding, ^ ho wished to be 
 humorous, said : 
 
 "On such occasions it is customary to kiss the bride, 
 but in this case we will omit it." 
 
 To which malignant remark the bridegroom pertinently 
 replied : 
 
 " On such occasions it is customary to pa^ the minister 
 ten dollars, but in this case we will omit it." 
 
 An old Scotch divine, not remarkable for his gifts as an 
 interpreter of Scripture, was once endeavorin r to expound 
 one of the Psalms, when the expression " ten - stringed 
 instrument" came in his way. 
 
182 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Now, my friends," said he, " div ye ken what that 
 means — a ten-stringed instrument? Some say it means 
 ane thing, and some say anither ; but I hae aye a notion 
 that it joost means the ten commandments! But that's 
 only a thocht o' my ain." 
 
 A VERY CLEAR TEXT. 
 
 Father Rollins, out in Wisconsin, was preaching from 
 the words, " He that believeth shall be saved." He opened 
 at considerable length with a general view of the subject, 
 and then, concentrating his force, proceeded to a critical 
 exegesis of the text in this wise : 
 
 " My brethren, I wish to direct your attention closely 
 and particularly to the loording of this Scripture, as there- 
 by to reach the very meat and substance of it. The text 
 says, ' He that believeth ; ' observe, my brethren, it does 
 not say, ' He that heliems^ nor ' He that belie V6C?,' but it 
 plainly and expressly declares, it is he that believ^^A who 
 shall be saved. Mark, my brethren, the force, in the Scrip- 
 ture, of the little word etli ! " 
 
 Perhaps they did mark it ; but what the good preacher 
 meant was more than the wisest of them could tell. 
 
 A negro, about dying, was told by his minister that he 
 must forgive a certain darkey against whom he seemed to 
 entertain very bitter feelings. 
 
 "Yes, sah," he replied, "if I dies, I forgive dat nigger, 
 but if I gets well, dat nigger must take care." 
 
 A plain - spoken preacher delivered the following from 
 his desk : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 183 
 
 " I would announce to the congregation that, probably 
 by mistake, there was left at the meeting - house this morn- 
 ing a small cotton umbrella, much damaged by time and 
 tear, and of an exceedingly pale blue color ; in the place 
 whereof was taken a very large black silk umbrella of 
 great beauty. Blunders of this sort, my brethren, are 
 getting a little too common." 
 
 ENOCH'S VIOLIN. 
 
 Half a century ago or less, the pious, but sometimes 
 facetious. Dr. Pond, dwelt in the quiet and out-of-the-way 
 
 village of A , in the State of " Steady Habits." The 
 
 doctor's ideas were liberal — much more so than many of 
 his congregation approved ; nevertheless, he kept on the 
 even tenor of his way, and disregarded the prejudices of 
 some of his people. He had a son named Enoch, who, at 
 an early age, manifested a remarkable talent for music, 
 which the father cherished and cultivated with care. In 
 the same village resided an antiquated maiden lady, who, 
 having no cares of her own to occupy her time and atten- 
 tion, magnanimously devoted herself to those of her neigh- 
 bors. One morning she called at the doctor's, and requested 
 to see him. When he entered the room where she was 
 seated, he perceived at a glance that something was amiss, 
 and before he had time to extend to her the usual " How- 
 d'ye-do," she began : 
 
 " I think. Doctor Pond, that a man of your age and 
 profession might have had something better to do, when 
 you were in New London last week, than to buy Enoch a 
 fiddle ; all the people are ashamed that our minister should 
 buy his son a fiddle. A fiddle ! Oh, dear, what is the world 
 coming to when ministers will do such things ! " 
 
 r 
 
184 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "Who told you I had bought Enoch a fiddle?" inquired 
 the doctor. 
 
 *' Who told me! Why, everybody says so, and some 
 people have heard him play on it as they passed the door. 
 But ain't it true, doctor?" 
 
 bought Enoch a violin when I went to New London." 
 
 "A violin! what's that?" 
 
 "Did you never see one?" 
 
 "Never." 
 
 "Enoch," said the doctor, stepping to the door, "bring 
 your violin here." 
 
 Enoch obeyed the command, but no sooner had he 
 entered with his instrument, than the old lady exclaimed: 
 
 "La! now, there; why it is sl fiddle! " 
 
 " Do not judge rashly," said the doctor, giving his son a 
 wink; "wait until you hear it." 
 
 Taking the hint, Enoch played Old Hundred. The lady 
 was completely mystified; it looked like a fiddle, but then 
 who had ever heard Old Hundred played on the fiddle! It 
 could not be. So, rising to depart, she exclaimed: " I am 
 so glad I came in to satisfy myself. La! me; just to think 
 how some people will lie! " 
 
 A DEACON'S LUDICROUS MISTAKE 
 A funny Joke^ and all the more palatable, as its truth 
 can be vouched for, says a New Jersey paper, occurred at 
 a prominent church in that State. It seems that a worthy 
 deacon had been very industrious in selling a new church 
 book, costing seventy-five cents. At the service in ques- 
 tion, the minister, just before dismissing the congregation, 
 r(^se and said: "All ye who have children to baptize will 
 please to present them next Sabbath." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 185 
 
 The deacon, who, by the way, was a little deaf, having 
 an eye on selling the books, and supposing the pastor was 
 referring to them, immediately jumped up and shouted : 
 "All you who haven't, can get as many as you want by 
 calling on me, at seventy-five cents each." 
 
 A clergyman, who had been staying for some time at 
 the house of a friend, on going away, called to him little 
 Tommy, the four - year - old son of his host, and asked him 
 what he should give him for a present. Tommy, who had 
 great respect for the " cloth," thought it was his duty to 
 suggest something of a religious nature, so he answered, 
 hesitatingly : " I-I think I should like a Testament, and I 
 know I should like a pop -gun ! " 
 
 "Where was Bishop Latimer burned to death ?" asked 
 a teacher, in a commanding voice. 
 
 "Joshua knows," said a little girl at the bottom of the 
 class. 
 
 "Well," said the teacher, "if Joshua knows, he may 
 tell." 
 
 " In the fire," replied Joshua, looking very grave and 
 wise. 
 
 Customer. " What did you think of the bishop's sermon 
 on Sunday, Mr. Wigsby ? " 
 
 Hair-dresser. " Well, really, sir, there was a gent a-settin^ 
 in front of me as 'ad his 'air parted that crooked that i 
 couldn't 'ear a word." 
 
 A BEAUTIFUL ILLUSTRATION. 
 A Hard Shell preacher wished to bring forth a good 
 illustration, as he thought, and hence he took a walnut^ as 
 
186 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 he called it, into the pulpit with him, and something to 
 crack it with. On holding it up, in the course of his ser- 
 mon, he said : 
 
 "My friends, you see this walnut — well, this outer hull 
 here is like the Methodists, soft and spongy, with no 
 strength into it ; see, I even break it with my lingers," 
 and suiting the action to the words, he disclosed the inner 
 nut, and said : " this is like the Missionary Baptists, hard 
 and dry, with no substance in it; but the kurnul — the 
 kurnul, my friends, is like the good old primitive, full of 
 fatness and sweetness." He then proceeded to crush the 
 "walnut" and give his hearers an ocular demonstration of 
 his illustration, but behold, it was rotten ; and, to the utter 
 astonishment of his hearers, he cried out : 
 
 " By jinks ! it's rotten." 
 
 "But I pass," said a minister one Sunday, in dismissing 
 one theme of his subject to take another. 
 
 " Then I make it spades ! " yelled a man from the 
 gallery who was dreaming the happy hours away in an 
 imaginary game of euchre. 
 
 It is needless to say that he went out on the next deal, 
 assisted by one of the deacons with a full hand of clubs. 
 
 A STRANGER IN CHURCH. 
 
 A stranger wandered into a certain church in this city 
 last Sunday, but the service not being of such a character 
 as to agree with his peculiar temperament, he began to feel 
 nervous and fidgety, and to wish that he hadn't come in. 
 At last the presiding officer remarked that "they would 
 now proceed with the ordination service." 
 
 The stranger picked up his hat and prepared to leave. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 187 
 
 "And," continued the minister, "after that is over there 
 will be a big collation spread upstairs, to which all are 
 invited." 
 
 The stranger settled back into his seat, and his hat 
 dropped to the floor. To his neighbor, who had been eye- 
 ing him rather quizzically, he whispered : 
 
 "I'll see this service out if it breaks every bone in my 
 body." 
 
 "May I leave a few tracts?" asked a medical mission- 
 ary of a lady who responded to his knock. 
 
 " Leave some tracks ? Certainly you may," said she, 
 looking at him most benignly over her specs. "Leave 
 them with the heels towards the house if you please." 
 
 " Patrick," said the priest, " how much hay did you 
 steal?" 
 
 " Well, I may as well confess to your riverence for the 
 whole stack, for I am going after the rest to-night." 
 
 " Sister, are you happy ? " 
 
 "Yes, deacon, I feel as though I was in Beelzebub's 
 bosom." 
 
 "Not in Beelzebub's?" 
 
 "Well, in some of the patriarchs ; I don't care which !" 
 
 HE OFFICIATED IN THE PULPIT. 
 
 "Mr. Smith, you said you once officiated in a pulpit; 
 do you mean by that, that you preached ? " 
 
 " No, sir ; I held the light for the man that did." 
 
 "Ah, the court understood you diflferently. It supposed 
 that the discourse came from you." 
 I 
 
188 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " No, sir ; I only throwed a light on it." 
 "No levity, Mr. Smith. Crier, wipe your nose, and call 
 on the next witness." 
 
 A German Jew was eating a pork-chop in a thunder- 
 storm. On hearing an unusually loud clap, he laid down 
 his knife and fork and observed : 
 
 " Veil, did any poty efer hear such a fuss apout a little 
 biece of bork ? " 
 
 BIG WORDS. 
 
 Big words pass for sense wnth some people, and some- 
 times may be very successfully employed when nothing 
 else will answer. As when a man, in great alarm, ran to 
 his minister to tell him he could see spots on the sun, and 
 thought the world must be coming to an end : 
 
 "Oh, don't be afraid," said the good minister; "it's 
 nothing but a phantasmagoria." 
 
 " Is that all ? " said the frightened man ; and he went 
 away quite relieved. 
 
 " I've know'd that mule for free yeahs, an' I don't tink 
 
 dat de animile would hurt a lam, cause " our blank space 
 
 is where the lecture was intended and the speaker forwarded 
 to the other side of the fence. 
 
 VERY DISTANT RELATIVE. 
 Meeting a negro who was very sad, a friend said : 
 "You have lost some of your friends, I see ?" 
 "Yes, Massa, I'se a heap of sorrow." 
 " Was it a near or a distant relative ?" 
 "Well, purty distant — ^bout twenty -four miles^'* was 
 the reply. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 189 
 
 "Where are you going?" said a young gentleman to 
 an elderly one in a white cravat, whom he overtook a few 
 miles from Little Rock. 
 
 " I am going to Heaven, my son. 1 have been on the 
 way eighteen years." 
 
 Well, good-bye, old fellow ; if you have been travel- 
 ing towards Heaven eighteen years, and got no nearer to it 
 than Arkansas, I'll take another route." 
 
 " Caesar, is you a workin' man ?" 
 
 " Don't you see me gettin' away wid dis watermillion ?" 
 
 " Jess so ; but does you call dat work ? " 
 
 "Go 'long, nigga ; don't you come foolin' 'round a man 
 when he's 'tendin' to busmess^ kase you might get struck. 
 Go to de poor-house an' knock on de door, an' tell 'em I 
 sent you dar ;" and he walked off, leaving Caesar scooping 
 the works out of the hull of that watermelon with his left 
 paw, and hiding it under his nose. 
 
 NEGRO PECULIARITIES — SCENE : BROADWAY. 
 
 A dandy darkey is met by a croney in dirty and ragged 
 clothes : 
 
 Dirty Darkey. "Hello, Franklin Napoleon, whar you 
 gwine all dressed up so ? Got on your Forth ob July 
 clothes, ain't you ? " 
 
 Dandy Darky. " Don't spoke to me in your workin' 
 clothes, in Broadway, when I'se all fixed up. I don't mind 
 it in a back 'treet, but here on de promenade, and in de 
 day-time, too, I don't like it, Eph, dat's a fac'. I t'ank you 
 not to accostic me agin, under sich sarcumstances." 
 
 Dirty Darkey. "Eh ! You shut up your'n. Mity stiff 
 wid your new clothes and checker trowsers. I cood dress 
 
190 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 up ebery day, and loaf all 'round town all the time, too, ef 
 I had a mudder to take in washin', and lib on her as you 
 do ; but I hab had to stan' on my own bottom eber sence 
 I was ten years old, I hab." 
 
 Dandy Darkey. "Yes, and you nebber got off of it 
 yet ; but an empty barrel will always stay on de end you 
 put it." 
 
 Dirty Darkey (angry). " What you mean by dat ? What 
 you stavin^ at ? " 
 
 Dandy Darkey (perfectly cool). " I mean that you am 
 like an empty barrel, and I belebe you'll bust ef you don't 
 git hooped." 
 
 Dirty Darkey. " Maybe you kin hoop me. You had 
 better try it ! You'll get your eye bungecL Mind, I'll call 
 de police ef you fool your time around me." 
 
 Exit dandy darkey in a hurry. 
 
 A colored philosopher thus unburdened himself on one 
 of woman's weaknesses: "Jim, de men don't make such 
 fools of demselves about women as de women do about 
 men. If women look at the moon they see a man in it. If 
 dey hear a mouse nibbling, it's a man ; and dey all look 
 under de bed de last thing at night to find a man. Why, 
 I neber look under my bed to find a woman, does you ?" 
 
 " Tom, where is that ten dollar counterfeit bill you had 
 a while ago ? " 
 
 *' Well, Massa, I never was pos'tive about dat ar bill. 
 Some days I tink it war a bad bill ; oder days I tink it war 
 a good bill ; so one o' dem days lohen I tinks it war a good 
 bill I jes^ dun gone and passed it^'* 
 
WIT AND HUMOR 
 
 191 
 
 A DARKEY^S EXPLANATION OF TELEGRAPHINa 
 
 " Now, you see, Sain, s'pose da was a dog, and dat dog's 
 head was in Hoboken and iiis tail in Brooklyn." 
 ''Go 'way, da ain^t no such dog," 
 " Well, s'pose da was." 
 " Well, s'pose da was." 
 
 " Well, den, de telegram is jest like dat dog. If I 
 pinch dat dog's tail in Brooklyn, what he do ?" 
 Dunno." 
 
 Why, if I pinch dat dog's tail in Brooklyn, he go bark 
 in Hoboken. Dat's the science of it." 
 
 BOILED DEM FIVE HOURS. 
 
 A story is told of a negro in Virginia, whose master 
 threatened to give him a flogging, if he boiled his eggs 
 hard again. Next morning the eggs came to the table still 
 harder than before. 
 
 "You rascal !" shouted the enraged planter, didn't I 
 tell you to cook them eggs soft ? " 
 
 " Yes, massa," said the frightened slave, " an' I got up 
 at two o'clock dis mornin', an' biled them five hours, an' 
 it seems to me as if I never kin get dese eggs softer ! " 
 
 A FUNXY TvTTSTAKE 
 
 Old negro slumbering with his feet pointing to a glim- 
 mering fire. Opens one eye and gets a glimpse of them 
 as they stand up in the obscurity. Mistakes them for two 
 little negroes, and cries : "Gif fum 'fore me," and relapses 
 into sleep. After awhile opens the other eye, and still see- 
 ing the intruders, says : " Gif 'fum 'fore me, I say ; I kick 
 you in the fire if you don't ; I will shu' — " and again he 
 
 13 
 
192 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 snores. His dreams not being pleasant, he soon opens both 
 eyes, and still seeing the little pests, he draws up his foot 
 for the threatened kick, but is alarmed to see the enemy 
 advance upon him, and exclaims : " Wha' where you comin' 
 to now ? Humph ! my own feet, by golly ! " 
 
 " Sampson, did you ever go to a military ball ? " 
 
 " No, my dear, I had a military ball come to me, and 
 what do you tink, it took my leg off. Since den I've been 
 down on balls. Why, does you ever go to balls ? " 
 
 "Oh, yes, I've bin to three balls dis winter, already. 
 
 " Where at ? " 
 
 " Simpson, the pawnbroker's." 
 
 DERE'S A HEAP O' DIFFERENCE. 
 
 " Sambo, what's your opinion ^ traveling by railway 
 and steamboat ?" • 
 
 Now you're talkin', boss ! Good gracious ! 1 tole you 
 dere's a heap o' difference. When youse on de railroad 
 and an axident happens, you're right dar ; but when youse 
 on de steamboat and she busts and blows up, whar are you? 
 dat's the question. I tell you, boss, you're no whar ! " 
 
 A NIGGER ON A STUMP. 
 
 Tim Wilson was one of the best pilots on the Mississippi, 
 but proud and cranky. He had the misfortune to run his 
 boat smack up against the bank one morning, in a dense 
 fog, and could see only a little nigger sitting on a stump, 
 munching corn ])read. 
 
 " Whose place is this ? " cried the pilot. 
 
 " Massa's," cried the nigger. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 193 
 
 " Well, who's your master ? " 
 
 " Why, de gemman what owns the place," answered the 
 little fellow. 
 
 " You rascal ! " roared the pilot, " I'd crop your ears off 
 if I had you here ! " 
 
 " Yes, but you ain't got me dar," shouted the little nig-, 
 as the pilot backed out and escaped from the shore and tlie 
 wit of the boy. 
 
 A SHARP OLD COLORED WOMAN. 
 
 A hater of tobacco asked an old negro woman, the 
 fumes of whose pipe were annoying to him, if she thought 
 she was a Christian. 
 
 " Yes, brudder, I spects I is." 
 
 " Do you believe in the Bible ? " 
 
 " Yes, brudder." 
 
 " Do you know that ^ere is a passage in the Scriptures 
 that declares that nothing unclean shall inherit the king- 
 dom of Heaven ? " 
 
 " Yes, I've heard of it." 
 
 " Well, Chloe, you smoke, and you can not enter tlie 
 kingdom of Heaven, because there is nothing so unclean 
 as the breath of a smoker. What do you say to that ?" 
 
 " Why, I spects I leave my brefF behind when I go dar." 
 
 HE WAS TOO BUSY. 
 
 " Jim, I'm glad to see you," said one darkey to another ; 
 " why don't you come down and see us ? " 
 
 " I'd like to, but I'm too busy just now ; you see we're 
 movin'." 
 
 " Well, come down when youse get fixed up." 
 " Deed, Jim, I'd like to ; but, to tell the truff, I can't do 
 it ; we're movin'." 
 
194 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR 
 
 " My golly, boss, youse only moves once a yeah." 
 No, sah ! we moves ebery month. I tell you we're 
 movin' all de time." 
 
 "Why, dat's funny. What you move so often for ?" 
 " 'Case we find it cheaper to move dan pay de rent." 
 
 A Georgia colored lyceum discussed the question, 
 "Which is de most useful, paper or gunpowder?" The 
 debate was closed by a disputant who spoke as follows : 
 
 " Mr. President : S'pose dar war a bar at de do', an' you 
 war to go dar and shake de paper at him, you'd see what 
 de bar would do. But jess shoot a cannon at him and see 
 what comes. I calls for de question." 
 
 The president forthwith decided in favor of powder. 
 
 STOP DEM PUSSONALITIES. 
 "Julius, s'pose dere is six chickens in a coop, and de 
 man sells three, how many is dere left ? " 
 "What time of day was it ?" 
 " What has that got to do with it ? " 
 
 "A good deal. If it was arter dark dere would be none 
 left — dat is if you happened to come along dat way." 
 
 " Look heah, nigga, stop dem pussonalities, or I'll shy a 
 brick at dat head of yourn." 
 
 A SHARP DARKEY. 
 Not long since a San Antonio darkey did some white- 
 washing for a man living in Ward No. 5. On paying for 
 the job the employer paid olf Mose, for that was the dar- 
 key's name, in Mexican quarters at par. It was several 
 days before Mose was very much hurt about it. " Jest so 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 195 
 
 think of Colonel cheatin' dis hard-working niggah 
 
 outen thirty cents. Foah God, I wud neber hab believed 
 it on him. I hadn't orter tuk de job in de fust place." 
 And then he added, more cheerfully : " But ef I hadn't 
 whitewashed de fence I neber would hab found out whar 
 all dem chickens roosted what I sold next morning for a 
 dollar. De banks habn't cotch up wid dis nigga yet, heah ! 
 heah ! " 
 
 " Look here, Pete," said a knowing darkey to his com- 
 panion, don't stan' on de railroad." 
 " Why, Joe ? " 
 
 "Kase ef de cars see dat mouf ob yourn, dey will tink 
 it am de depo' an' run rite in ! " 
 
 " Sambo, dis am a magnificent day for de race." 
 
 " What race, Pompey ? 
 
 " Why, de colored race, you stupid niggao" 
 
 GOING TO RESIGN. 
 
 In Forsyth one day last week, a gentleman, standing in 
 the street, noticed a two -mule wagon drive up to one of 
 the stores. There was nothing peculiar in this, but what 
 particularly struck his attention was the fact that the 
 driver — a colored man — had an exceedingly lengthy 
 pair of reins, and was seated in the liindmost part of the 
 wagon. When the team stopped, the negro cautiously 
 fastened the lines to a standard and got out over the hind 
 wheel, and made a circle of forty or fifty feet to get to the 
 heads of the mules. This so excited the gentleman's curi- 
 osity that he walked up and asked : 
 
 *'Look here, uncle, you are not crazy, are you ?" 
 
196 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Does I look like a crazy nigger, Mars Tom ? " 
 
 " Well, what in the name of common sense are you cut 
 ting up these antics for — walking almost twice around the 
 wagon to get to your mules, and sitting on the ' gate ' to 
 drive ? " 
 
 The negro looked at the gentleman a moment and then 
 burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. 
 " What the do you mean ? " 
 
 " Mars Tom, don't you know dat oflP mule dar ? Dat's 
 Mars Tump Ponder's roan mule." 
 
 " Well, what the mischief is the matter with that mule ?" 
 
 "Why, Mars Tom, dat mule is a sight — dat mule is. 
 She's the ong:odliest mule in cra'shun. She orot some sense 
 like white folks. No nigger can't come foolin' round her. 
 Only last Chuesday she kick a bre's pin off a town merlat- 
 ter's shirt bozzum. Trufe, Mars Tom. An' de nigger 
 don't know dat he ain't done gone an' los' it himself. 
 Why, Mars Tom, when I goes to hitch up dat mule, I has 
 to put de harness on wid a pole, an' I has to git a new 
 pole ebery time. Lemme play with powder an' Chrismus 
 shooters, but don' gimme no roan mule ! T can't stay wid 
 Mars Tump arter dis week. I'm too fon' of my fam'ly, an' 
 don't b'long to no church nudder." 
 
 / " My brudders," said a waggish darkey to a crowd, " in 
 all afflictions, in all ob your troubles, dar is one place you 
 can always find sympathy." 
 
 " Whar, whar ? " shouted several of his audience. 
 
 " In de dictionary," he replied, rolling his eyes skyward. 
 
 A colored man observed, while in conversation with a 
 friend : "I dusn't b'lieve in having a pardener when you've 
 
HUNTING POSSUMS. Page 207. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 199 
 
 on'y got a small business. If yer make enny thing, why, 
 yer don't git it, and if yer lose, yer have to lose it all." 
 " Jesso," remarked his companion. 
 
 A negro held a cow while a cross-eyed man was to hit 
 her on the head with an ax. The negro, observing the 
 man's eyes, in some fear inquired : " Is you gwine to hit 
 whar you look ? " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Den hold the cow yourself," said Ouffee. 
 
 The following reply has been cited as a specimen of the 
 sly humor of the Southern negro, when thinking of catch- 
 ing a "brudder nigga" on the hip : 
 
 " Sambo, w'at am your your 'pinion ob rats ? " 
 
 " Wall, I t'ink de one dat has the shortest tail will get 
 in de hole de quickest ! E'yah ! e'yah ! e'yah ! " 
 
 CHANGING HIS NAME. 
 
 The other day a young African asked us if it was "agin 
 de law" to change his name. We replied that if he had a 
 good name, he had better keep it, as a good name was the 
 one thing to be desired in this world. 
 
 " I'se got a putty fa'r name," he said, " w'at I'se had 
 eber sence the war, but it won't do for dis chile any moah." 
 
 " Why, what's the matter with it ? " we asked. 
 
 " Well, you see, boss, dar's a fool nigger come hyar from 
 ChillicofFee, an' he's a-buzzin' around with my name, an' no 
 two niggers can circumgate in de same town unless one or 
 de uder ob dem hab a different procognem." 
 
 "Perhaps you can prevail on him to adopt another 
 name.'^ 
 
200 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " No, sah ; I offered him foah bits an' a rahsor to call 
 hisself somethiii' else 'sides Geowge Washin'ton Jones, but 
 de yaller fool won't do it." 
 
 '^Yellow, is he?" 
 
 "Yes, sah ; an' dat's what makes me injurious about it. 
 He says de Joneses was de fastest family of Firginny, an' 
 dat he's condescended in a direct line from dem, an' consa- 
 quenchly darfoah walues de name moah exceedingly dan 
 udderwise." 
 
 " So you propose to off with the old name and on with a 
 new ?" 
 
 " Somethin' like dat, I s'pose, boss. An' I wants to ax 
 you de favor to sejest some disappropriate name dat'll do 
 for a cullud pusson ob standin'. I don't soshate wid de 
 common low-class niggers, and I wants a name out o' dere 
 uncomprehension — w'at dey can't steal, you know." 
 
 "How'll Benedict iVrnold do?" 
 
 " De Arnold am tonish, for suah, but dar's too many 
 Benneys an' Dicks around. Try anudder one, boss." 
 
 "Well, Algernon Sartoris, how's that?" 
 
 "Dat's superlagant ! Algerneyman Sartoris Arnold — 
 dat'll do for some ob de name. Please reach for anudder 
 one, sah." 
 
 "Why, that's name enough. How much do you want, 
 for P'oodness sake ? " 
 
 o 
 
 " Boss, you must 'member dat I'se deekin in the church, 
 an' 'prietor ob a house an' lot." 
 
 " Oh ! yes ; well — let's see — Bill Allen ? " 
 
 " Dat's too common." 
 
 " Abraham Lincoln ? " 
 
 " Too ordinary, sah. Git up higher." 
 
 "Phil. Sheridan?" 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 201 
 
 Higher yet, sah, if you please." 
 " Win. Tecumseh Sher — " 
 
 " Stop, sah — dat's nuflf — needn't feel no furder. Wil- 
 yum Cherkumsey — dat sounds like ole Kaintuck — Wil- 
 yum Cherkumsey Algerneyman Sartoris Arnold. Yes, sah, 
 dat'll do — no low -class nigger can get inside o' dat. 
 You'se de solum witness, boss, dat dat's my name from 
 hencefo'th on to all precedin' time. I'se obliged to you, 
 sah." 
 
 As he walked majestically away, repeating the name 
 over to himself, he was the proudest nigger in Brunswick.. 
 And yet Shakespeare says there's nothing in a name. 
 
 LEMME GO. 
 
 The other night a policeman grabbed a negro who came 
 running down the street at full speed, pautiug like a wind- 
 broken horse, and the officer wanted to know why and 
 wherefore the colored man was dusting around in that lively 
 style at midnight's solemn hour ? 
 
 " Wife's sick — gwine foh de doctah ! " gasped the man. 
 
 " Where do you live ?" 
 Lemme go — can't stop — she's mose died ! " was the 
 answer. 
 
 Yet, in spite of this, the officer pushed the African up 
 against a fence, and a search brought to light two chickens, 
 a clothes-line, a hatchet, and a pair of boots, the same 
 being the property of some other man. 
 
 YESSUM. 
 
 There is one aged colored woman in this town who does 
 not believe in social equality, judging from the way she 
 talks to her son : 
 
202 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Ephreham, come liyar to yer mudder, boy. Whar you 
 bin?" 
 
 "I'se been playing wid de white folkses chilun." 
 
 "You is, eh ! See hyar, chile, 3^ou'll broke yer old mud- 
 der's heart, and brung her gray hairs in sorro' to the grave 
 wid yer recklumness an' car -rings on wid evil assosaya- 
 shuns. Hain't I raised yer up in de way that yer should 
 ought to go ? " 
 
 "Yessum." 
 
 "Habn't I reezened wid yer an' prayed wid yer, and 
 deplored de good Lord to wrap yer in his buzzum?" 
 " Yessum." 
 
 " Habn't I taught yer to walk up in the broad and 
 narrer path ? " 
 " Yessum." 
 
 "An' isn't 1 yer nater'l detector an' gwadjeen fo' de 
 law?" 
 
 " Yessum." 
 
 " Well, den, do yer s'pose I'se gwine to hab yer morals 
 rectured by de white trash ? No, sah ! Yer git in de house, 
 dis instep ; an' if I ebber cotch your municatin' w^id de 
 white trash any mo', fo' God, nigga, I'll break yer black 
 head wid a brick ! " 
 
 " Yessum." 
 
 A MYSTERY. 
 
 Two darkies had bought a piece of pork, and Sam, hav- 
 ing no place to put his in, trusted the whole to Julius' 
 keeping. Next morning they met, when Julius said : 
 
 " A most strange thing happened at my house last night, 
 Sam. All mystery to me." 
 
 " Ah, Julius, what was dat ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 203 
 
 " Well, Sam, this morniri' I went down into the cellar to 
 get a piece of pork for breakfast, and I put my hand down 
 into the brine, and felt all round, but no pork dere — all 
 gone — couldn't tell what be went with it; so I turned up 
 de barrel, and, Sam, as true as preachin', de rats eat a hole 
 clear fru de bottom ob de barrel, and dragged de pork all 
 out." 
 
 " Why didn't de brine run out of de hole ? " 
 "Ah, Sam, dat is de mystery." 
 
 "I say. Sambo, does you know what makes de corn 
 grow so fast when you put de manure on it ?" 
 
 ''No, I don't hardly, 'cept it makes de ground «tjK)nger 
 for de corn." 
 
 " Now, I'll jest tell ye. When de corn begins to smell 
 de manure, it don't like de 'fumery, so it hurries out ob de 
 ground and gits up as high as possible, so as not to breathe 
 de bad air." 
 
 " Sambo, whar you get dat watch you wear to meetin' 
 last Sunday ? " 
 
 "How do you know I hab a watch ?" 
 
 " Kase I seed the chain hang out ob your pocket in the 
 front." 
 
 " Go 'way, nigger, s'pose you see a halter round my 
 neck, you think dar is a hoss inside ob me ? " 
 
 THE VALUE OF EDUCATION. 
 
 Jake was heard callino; across the fence to his neiofhbor's 
 son, a colored youth, who goes to school at the Atlanta 
 Colored University : 
 
 " Look hyar, boy, you goes ter school, don't yer ? " 
 
204 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR, 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied the boy. 
 "Gittin' eddykashun, ain't yer?" 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 " Larniri' rithmetick and figgerin' on a slate, eh ! " 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Well, it don't take two whole days to make an hour, 
 do it ? " 
 
 " Why, no ! " exclaimed the boy. 
 
 " You was gwine ter bring dat hatchet back in an hour, 
 wasn't yer ? " 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 "An' it's bin two whole days since you borrowed it. 
 Now, what good's eddykashun gwine ter do you thick- 
 skulled niggers, when you go to school a whole year an' 
 den can't tell how long it takes to fotch back a hatchet ?" 
 
 The boy got mad and slung the hatchet over the fence 
 and half-way through an ash-barrel. 
 
 A Georgia colored debating society was lately discuss- 
 ing, " Which is the best for the laboring man, to work for 
 wages or part of the crop ? " 
 
 An old "uncle" spoke the sense of the meeting when 
 he said: " Bofe was de best, if dey could only be brung 
 togedder somehow." 
 
 A colored man was once asked why he did not get 
 married. 
 
 " Why, you see, sah," said he, " I got an old mudder, 
 an' I hab to do for her, ye see, sah, an' if I don't buy her 
 shoes an' stockin's she wouldn't get none. Now, ef I was 
 to get married, I would hab to buy dem tings for my wife, 
 an' dat would be takin' de shoes an' stockin's right out o' 
 my mudder's mouf." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 205 
 
 A COLORED DEBATING-SOCIETY. 
 
 The "Colored Debating Society" of Mount Vernon, 
 Ohio, had some very interesting meetings. The object 
 of the argument on a particular evening was the settle- 
 ment, at once and forever, of the question, " Which am de 
 mightiest, de pen or de sword ? " 
 
 Mr. Larkins said about as follows : " Mr. Chaarman, 
 what's de use ob a swoard unless you's gwyne to waar ? 
 Who's hyar dat's gwyne to waar ? I isn't, Mr. Morehouse 
 isn't, Mrs. Morehouse isn't, Mr. Newsome isn't ; I'll bet no 
 feller wot speaks on the swoard side is any ideer ob gwyne 
 to waar. Den, what's de use ob de swoard ? I don't tink 
 dar's much show for argument in de matter." 
 
 Mr. Lewman said : " What's de use ob de pen 'less you 
 knows how to write ? How's dat ? Dat's what I wants to 
 know. Look at de chillun ob Isr'l — wasn't but one man 
 in de whole crowd gwine up from Egyp' to de Promis' 
 Lan' cood write, an' he didn't write much. [A voice in the 
 audience, "Who wrote de ten comman'ments, anyhow, you 
 bet." Cheers from the pen side.] Wrote 'em ? wrote 'em ? 
 Not much ; guess not ; not on stone, honey. Might p'r'aps 
 cut 'em wid a chisel. Broke 'em all, anyhow, 'fore he got 
 down de hill. Den when he cut a new set, de chillun ob 
 Isr'l broke 'em all again. Say he did write 'em, what good 
 was it ? So his pen no 'count nohow. No, saar. De 
 swoard'^s what fotched 'em into de Promis' Lan', saar. 
 Why, saar, it's ridiculous. Tink, saar, ob David a-cuttin' 
 off Goliah's head wid a pe7i^ saar ! De ideer's altogedder 
 too 'posterous, saar. De sv)oarcI^ saar, de siooard mus' win 
 de argument, saar." 
 
 Dr. Crane said : " I tink Mr. Lewman a leetle too fas'. 
 
206 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 He's a-speakin' ob de times in de dim pas', when de mind 
 ob man was crude, an' de ban' ob man was in de ruff state, 
 an' not tone down to de refinement ob cibilized times. Dey 
 wasn't educated up to de use ob de pen. Deir ban's was 
 only fit for de ruff' use ob de swoard. Now, as de modern 
 poet says, our swoards rust in deir cubbards, an' peas, sweet 
 peas, cover de Ian'. An' what has wrot all dis change ? 
 De pen. Do I take a swoard now to get me a peck ob 
 sweet taters, a pair ob chickens, a paii» ob shoes ? No, saar. 
 I jess take my pen an' write an order for 'em. Do I want 
 money ? I don't git it by de edge ob de swoard ; I writes a 
 check. I want a suit ob clothes, for instance — a stroke 
 ob de pen, de mighty pen, de clothes is on de way. I'se 
 done." 
 
 Mr. Newsome said : " Wid all due 'spect to de learned 
 gemman dat's jus' spoke, we mus' all agree dat for smoovin' 
 tings off an' a-levelin' tings down, dere's notting equals de 
 swoard." 
 
 Mr. Hunnicut said : " I agrees entirely wid Mr. New- 
 some ; an' in answer to what Dr. Crane says, I would jess 
 ask what's de use ob drawin' a check unless you's got de 
 money in de bank, or a-drawin' de order on de store unless 
 de store truss you ? S'pose de store do truss, ain't it easier 
 to sen' a boy as to write a order ? If you got no boy handy, 
 telegraf. No use for a pen — not a bit. Who ebber heard 
 of Mr. Hill's pen ? Nobody, saar. But his swoard, saar — 
 (le swoard ob ole Bunker Hill, saar — is known to ebbery 
 chile in de Ian'. If it hadden been for de swoard ob ole 
 Bunker Hill, saar, whaar'd we niggers be to-night, saar ? 
 whaar, saar ? Not hyar, saar. In Georgia, saar, or wuss, 
 saar. No cullud man, saar, should ebber go back, saar, on 
 de swoard, saar." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 207 
 
 Mr. Hunnicut's remarks seemed to carry a good deal of 
 weight with the audience. After speeches by a number 
 of others, the subject was handed over to the "committee," 
 who carried it out and "sot on it." In due time they 
 returned with the followin' decision : 
 
 " De committee decide dat de swoard has de most pints 
 an' de best backin', an' dat de pen is de most beneficial, an' 
 dat de whole ting is about a stan'-ofF." 
 
 A ZOOLOGICAL SIMILITUDE. 
 
 A planter in Virginia, being dressed for some special 
 occasion, said to Uncle Ben, an old family servant : 
 " Uncle Ben, how do I look ? " 
 
 " Why, you looks splendid, master, splendid. Why, you 
 look as bold as a lion." 
 
 " What do you know about a lion ? You never saw 
 one." 
 
 " Why, yes, I did, master ; I've often seed a lion, often." 
 "Where, Uncle Ben?" 
 
 " Why, down on master Johnson's plantation, they've 
 got a lion, and you seed him, too ; I know you has." 
 
 " Why, you old goose you, that is not a lion ; it is a 
 jackass, and they have called him Lion." 
 
 "Well, I don't care about dat — I don't care for dat. 
 You look just like him." 
 
 HUNTING POSSUMS. 
 
 Two darkeys in the West went out to hunt possums, 
 and, by accident, found a large cave with a small entrance. 
 Peeping in, they discovered three young bears whelped in 
 the interior. 
 
 14 
 
208 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Look heah, Sam, while I go in dar and gets de young 
 bars, you just watch heah for the ole bar." 
 
 Sam got asleep in the sun, and when opening his eyes 
 he saw the old bear scouring her way into tlie cave. Quick 
 as wink he caught her by the tail, and held on like blazes. 
 
 " Hello, dar, Sam, what dark the hole dar ?" 
 Lor' bless you. Jumbo, save yourself, honey ; if dis tail 
 comes out, yo'll find what dark de hole." 
 
 NEVER 'SPECTED TO SEE DAT. 
 
 A drag, driven by an elegantly attired lady, with a trim 
 and neatly dressed colored boy perched on the footman's 
 seat behind, was passing through the street, when it was 
 espied by an old negro woman. 
 
 " Bress de Lord ! " she exclaimed, raising her hands as 
 she spoke. " Bress de Lord ! I never 'spected to see dat. 
 Wonder what dat young cuUud gemman pays dat young 
 white 'oman for drivin' dat kerridge ? I know'd it'd come, 
 but never 'spected to lib to see it. Dis nigga's ready to go 
 'way now." 
 
 JONAH AND THE WHALE. 
 
 A young gentleman of this city, in whom we have the 
 most perfect confidence, gives us the following conversa- 
 tion, which he overheard between two colored citizens the 
 other evening, as he was returning from prayer-meeting : 
 
 " Sam, do you know Jonah ?" 
 
 "Jonah! Who is he?" 
 
 " Why, Jonah dat swallowed de whale ; don't you know 
 him?" 
 
 "Why, darn his big-moufed soul, was he from Fir- 
 ginny?" 
 
WIT AND HUMOK. 
 
 209 
 
 "Of course he was from Firginny." 
 
 " Well, the Firginians always were bad on fish.'' 
 
 HOLE ON DAR, BOSS. 
 
 An emigration agent accosted an old negro in Columbus, 
 Georgia, the other day : " 1 say, old man, don't you want 
 to make some money ? " 
 
 " Dat's jest what I'm searchin' roan' fer, boss. I hungry 
 right now." 
 
 "Well, in Mississippi the planters are paying mighty 
 high prices for good work hands, and if you " — 
 
 "Hole on dar, boss. Jes' wait. I'm a Middle Georgia 
 nigger. I done been out dar. Pm a good wuk han' too. I 
 wuk myself out dar, and then I turn roun' an' wuk myself 
 back again, an' right here I'm gwine ter stay, if the Lord 
 spars mo. When I dies, I wants ter have a stomich spang 
 full o' bread and meat, an' I wants ter be berried in a 
 seminary whar I'm 'quainted with der folks." 
 
 DELIRUM TREMENDUS. 
 
 A negro was brought up before the mayor for stealing 
 chickens. 
 
 " Well, Toby," said his honor, " what have you to say 
 for yourself ? " 
 
 " Nuffin but dis, boss: I was crazy when I stole dat ar' 
 pullet, coz I might have stole a big rooster, and never done 
 it. Dat shows 'clusively to my mind dat I was laboring 
 under delirum tremendus." 
 
 At the marriage of an Alabama widow, one of the 
 servants was asked if his master would take a bridal tour : 
 
210 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Dunno, sah ; when old massa's first wife was alive, he 
 took a paddle to her ; dunno if he take a bridal to de new 
 one or not ! " 
 
 An up-town man, who believes in self-improvement, 
 suggested to his wife recently that they should argue some 
 question frankly and freely every morning, and try to learn 
 more of each other. The question for the first night hap- 
 pened to be, " Whether a woman could be expected to get 
 along without a hat," and he took the affirmative ; but 
 when he was last seen, he had climbed up into the hay-loft 
 and was pulling the ladder up after him. 
 
 A man in Michigan swapped his horse for a wife. An 
 old bachelor acquaintance said he'd bet there was some- 
 thinor wronoc with the horse, or its owner would never have 
 fooled it away in that reckless manner. 
 
 The second night after her first husband died, she sat by 
 the open chamber window five hours waiting for the cats 
 to begin fighting in the back yard. She said : "This thing 
 of going to sleep without a quarrel of some kind is so new 
 that I can't stand it ! Let me alone till they begin ; then 
 1 can doze off gently ! " 
 
 TEXAS COURTSHIP. 
 
 He sat one side the room in a big white-oak rocking- 
 chair ; she on the other side in a little white-oak rocking- 
 chair. A long-eared deerhound, snapping at flies, was by 
 his side ; a basket of sewing by hers. Both rocked inces- 
 santly — that is, the young people, not the dog and basket. 
 He sighs heavily, and looks out the west window at a crape 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 211 
 
 myrtle tree ; she sighs lightly, and gazes out the east win- 
 dow — at the turnip patch. At last he remarks : 
 This is mighty good ^veather to pick cotton." 
 
 "'Tis that, if we only had any to pick." 
 
 The rockino- continues. 
 
 o 
 
 " What's your dog's name ? " 
 " Coony." 
 
 " What is he good fur ? " 
 
 " What is who good fur ?" said she, abstractedly. 
 
 " Your dog, Coony." 
 
 " For ketchin' possums." 
 
 Silence for half an hour. 
 
 " He looks like a deer dog." 
 
 " Who looks like a deer dog ?" 
 
 " Coony." 
 
 "He is — but he's kinder bellowed an' gettin' old an' 
 slow now. An' he ain't no 'count on a cold trail." 
 
 In the quiet ten minutes that ensued she took two 
 stitches in her quilt — it was a gorgeous affair, that quilt 
 was, made by the pattern called "Rose of Sharon." She is 
 very particular about the nomenclature of her quilts, and 
 frequently walks fifteen miles to get a new pattern^ with 2 
 " real putty name." 
 
 " Your ma raisin' many chickings ? " 
 
 " Forty odd." 
 
 Then more rocking, and somehow, after awhile, the big 
 rocking-chair and the little rocking - chair were jammed 
 side by side. 
 
 " How many has your ma got ? " 
 
 " How many what ? " 
 
 "Chickens!" 
 
 " Nigh on to a hundred." 
 J 
 
212 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 By this time the chairs are so close together that rocking 
 is impossible. 
 
 " The minks has eat all ours." 
 
 Then a long sibnce reigns. At last he observes : 
 
 " Makin' quilts?" 
 
 "Yes," she replies, brightening up, "IVe just finished a 
 ' Roarin' Eagul of Brazeel,' a ' Sitting Sun,' and a ' Nasion's 
 Pride.' Have you ever saw the ' Yellow Rose of the 
 Parary ? ' " 
 
 "No" 
 
 More silence ; then he says : 
 " Do you love cabbage ? " 
 " I do that." 
 
 Presently his hand is accidentally placed on hers. She 
 does not know it — at least does not seem to be aware of 
 it. Then after a half hour spent in sighs, coughing, and 
 clearing of throats, he suddenly says : 
 
 " Pse a great a -mind to bite you." 
 
 " What you great a - mind to bite me fur ? " 
 
 " Kase you won't have me." 
 
 " Kase you ain't axed me." 
 
 " Well, now, I ax you. 
 
 " Then, now, you has me." 
 
 Then Coony dreams he hears a sound of kissing. 
 The next day the young man goes to Tigerville after a 
 marriage license. Wednesday, the following week. 
 No cards. 
 
 A father, in consoling his daughter, who had lost her 
 husband, said : "I don't wonder you grieve for him, my 
 child ; you will never find his equal." 
 
 "I don't know as 1 can," responded the sobbing widow ; 
 "butrU do my best." Tiie father felt comforted. 
 
WIT A.ND HUMOR. 
 
 213 
 
 SOMEWHAT MIXED. 
 
 " What's the matter ? " 
 " Sam, who am I ? " 
 
 " Why, you are yourself — Bob Harrison, ain't you 
 
 " No, far from it," 
 
 " Why, what's the matter ? " 
 
 " Well, sir, I am so mixed up I don't know who I am.'' 
 
 Don't take it so hard to heart." 
 " 1 can't help it." 
 "Well, sir, what's the matter ?" 
 " Why, I am married." 
 
 " Married ! Why, sir, you should be happy." 
 "Yes, but I ain't." 
 
 " Why, all married men are supposed to be happy," 
 " Yes, but how many are so ? " 
 
 " Well, sir, as I said before, don't take it so hard ; tell 
 us all about it," 
 
 " Well, Sam, I'll tell you how it is. You see I married 
 a widow, and this widow had a daughter." 
 
 " Oh, yes, I see how it is ; you have been making love 
 to the daughter" 
 
 " No ; worse than that ! You see my father was a 
 widower, and married that daughter ; so that makes my 
 father my son-in-law, don't it ? " 
 
 " Well, is that all?" 
 
 " No ; I only wish it was. Don't you see, my step- 
 daughter is my step-mother, ain't she ? Well, then, her 
 mother is my grandmother, ain't she ? I am married to 
 her, ain't I ? So that makes me my own grandfather 
 doesn't it?" 
 
 You would be very pretty indeed," said a gentleman 
 
214 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 patronizingly to a young lady, *' if your eyes were only a 
 little larger." 
 
 " My eyes may be very small, sir," retorted the young 
 lady, " but such people as you don't fill them." 
 
 A stupid young man, supposed to be cracked -brained, 
 who was slighted by the girls, very modestly asked a young 
 lady, if she would let him spend the evening with her ? " 
 
 " No," she angrily replied, " that's what I won't." 
 
 " Why," replied he, " you needn't be so funny ; I didn't 
 mean this evening, but some stormy one when I can't go 
 anywhere else." 
 
 " WA'AL, NOW ! " 
 
 A well-known citizen of Hartford, Connecticut, a few 
 days ago, had taken his seat in the afternoon train for 
 Providence, when a small, weazened- faced, elderly man, 
 having the appearance of a well-to-do farmer, came into 
 the car, looking for a seat. The gentleman good-naturedly 
 made room for him by his side, and the old man looked 
 over him from head to foot. 
 
 "Going to Providence?" he said, at length. 
 
 " No, sir," the stranger answered, politely ; " I stop at 
 Andover." 
 
 " I want to know ! I belong out that way myself. 
 Expect to stay long ? " 
 " Only over night, sir." 
 A short pause. 
 
 " Did you cal'late to put up at the tavern ? " 
 "No, sir ; I expect to stop with Mr. Skinner." 
 "What, Job Skinner's ? — Deacon Job — lives in a little 
 brown house on the old 'pike ? Or, mebbe, it's his 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 215 
 
 brother's? Was it Tim Skinner's — Squire Tim's — where 
 you was goin'?" 
 
 "Yes, it was Squire Tim's," said the gentleman, smiling. 
 
 "Dew tell if you are goin' there to stop over night. 
 Any connection of his'n?" 
 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " Well, now, that's curus ! The old man ain't got into 
 any trooble, nor nothin', has he ? " lowering his voice ; 
 "ain't goin' to serve a writ onto him, be ye ?" 
 
 " Oh, no, nothing of the kind." 
 
 " Glad on't. No harm in askin', I s'pose. I reckon 
 Miss Skinner's some connection of yourn ?" 
 
 "No," said the gentleman. Then, seeing the amused 
 expression on the faces of two or three acquaintances in 
 the neighboring seats, he added in a confidential 'tone : " I 
 am going to see Squire Skinner's daughter." 
 
 " Law sakes ! " said the old man, his face quivering with 
 curiosity. " ThaCs it, is it, I want to know ? Goin' to see 
 Mirandy Skinner, be ye ? Well, Mirandy's a nice gal — 
 kinder humbly, and long favored, but smart to work, they 
 say, and T guess you're about the right age for her too. 
 Kep' company together long ?" 
 
 " I never saw her in my life, sir." 
 
 " How you talk. Somebody's gin her a recommend, T 
 s'pose, and you're gin' clear out there to take a squint at 
 her. Wa'al, I must say there's as likely gals in Andover 
 as Mirandy Skinner. I'^oe got a family of grown - up dar- 
 ters myself. Never was married afore, was ye ? Don't 
 see no weed on yur hat." 
 
 " I have been married about fifteen years, sir. I have a 
 wife and five children." And then, as the long restrained 
 mirth of the listeners of this dialogue burst forth at the 
 
 10 
 
216 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 old man's opened - mouthed astonishment, he hastened to 
 explain : " I am a doctor, my good friend, and Squire 
 Skinner called at my office this morning, to request my 
 professional services for his sick daughter." 
 
 " Wa'al, now ! " And the old man here waddled off 
 into the next car. 
 
 Angelina. " George, which do you think are the worst 
 about a flower garden, worms or small birds ? " 
 
 George (stupidly, dreaming of his dear Angy). " Really 
 I don't know — I never had the worms." A blush — and 
 then he sees his mistake. 
 
 A minister, whil-e marrying a couple of his rustic par- 
 ishioners, felt exceedingly disconcerted on his asking the 
 bridegroom, if he were willing to take the woman for his 
 wedded wife, by the would • be Benedict scratching his 
 head and saying : 
 
 " Ay, I'm wullin', but I'd rather hae her sister." 
 
 A Chicago German, who got excited over an account of 
 an elopement of a married woman, exclaimed : " If my vife 
 runs away mit anoder man's vife, I vill shake him out of 
 her preeches, if he be mine fodder, so help me gracious ! " 
 
 MEANT TO GET BLIND DRUNK. 
 
 "Sam, did — did (hie) you see anything of my wife?" 
 " I have not the honor of knowing your wife, sir." 
 " Don't apologize, Sam, don't apo - apo — hie ! — logize. 
 It — it's no honor whatever. Didn't see her ?" 
 " I did not." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 217 
 
 "How yer know yer didn't? She — she's as tall as a 
 (hie) meetin'- house, and broad as a lamp -post, a -and she 
 wears a gingham umbereller and one eye out, and (hie) her 
 nose was done up in a pair of specs. Didn't see her?" 
 
 " No, sir ! " (emphatically.) 
 
 "That's all right, Sam, that's all right. M-m-merely 
 asked for frinfanmashun. She (hie) she said she was goin' 
 to join a soryory-sis, and if she does I mean to get stavin'- 
 blind drunk. WouldnH you f'^'^ 
 
 Sam counseled the unfortunate Benedict to remain 
 sober, and hastened on his way. 
 
 An Irish coachman, driving past some harvest fields, 
 during Summer, addressing a smart girl engaged in sheav- 
 ing, exclaimed : " Arrah, me darling, I wish I was in jail 
 for stealing ye ! " 
 
 PERHAPS WE'D BETTER WAIT AWHILE. 
 
 A young clergyman, at the first wedding he ever had, 
 thought it was a very good time to impress upon the couple 
 before him the solemnity of the act. 
 
 " I hope, Dennis," he said to the coachman, with his 
 license in his hand, "you have well considered this solemn 
 step in life." 
 
 " I hope so, your riverence," answered Dennis. 
 
 " It's a very important step you're taking, Mary," said 
 the minister. 
 
 "Yes, sir, I know it is," replied Mary, whimpering* 
 "Perhaps we had better wait awhile." 
 
 "Perhaps we had, your riverence," chimed in Dennis. 
 
 The minister, hardly expecting such a personal appli- 
 cation of his exhortation, and seeing the marriage-fee 
 
218 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 vanishing before his eyes, betook himself to a more cheer- 
 ful aspect of the situation, and said : 
 
 "Yes, of course, it's solemn and important, you know, 
 but it's a very happy time, after all, when people love each 
 other. Shall we go on with the service ? " 
 
 " Yes, your riverence," they both replied, and they were 
 soon made one in the bonds of matrimony ; and that young 
 minister is now very careful how he introduces the solemn 
 view of marriage to timid couples. 
 
 " Yes, Job suffered some," said an Iowa farmer, " but he 
 never knew what it was to have his team run away and kill 
 his wife right in the best season, when hired gals want 
 three dollars a week." 
 
 Twenty ladies voted on the question, " Has a young 
 lady the right to kiss a gentleman with whom she takes an 
 evenino' drive ? " There were nineteen affirmative votes. 
 The negative vote was cast by a woman with red hair and 
 a glass eye. 
 
 DOUBLE IT. 
 A Western man writes : 
 
 " When the law of our State required parties wishing to 
 be married to get a license from the county clerk, an Irish- 
 man, evidently of full age, applied for the writ of execution. 
 After the clerk had put the usual questions as to his native 
 place, occupation, etc., he asked : 
 
 "'Will you swear that you are twenty-one years old?' 
 
 "'Faith and I will do that same,' said Jemmy. 
 
 "'And Bridget,' said the clerk — 'will you swear that 
 she is twenty-one ?' 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 219 
 
 " Jemmy straightened up, and, looking somewhat indig- 
 nant, replied : 
 
 "'Sure an' I can swear she's double it ! ' 
 
 "He got his license and hastened off to his waiting 
 bride." 
 
 "LONELY TO-NIGHT, LOYE.'» 
 
 Husband (traveling). — Scene I — Room in hotel. Spit- 
 toons full of cigar stumps. Bourbon whisky. All hands 
 equipped for a night's spree. Husband in a hurry to be 
 off, writing home : 
 
 Dearest Susie : My time is so occupied with business 
 that I can hardly spare a moment to write to you. Oh ! 
 darling, how I miss you ! and the only thing that sustains 
 me during my absence is the thought that every moment 
 thus spent is for the benefit of my dear wife and children. 
 Take good care of yourself, my dear. Feed the baby on 
 one cow's milk. Excuse haste, etc. 
 
 Wife (at home). — Scene II — Parlor. All the gas lit. 
 Thirteen grass- widows ; BVed, from around the corner, with 
 his violin ; Jim, from across the way, with his banjo ; Jack, 
 from above, with his guitar ; Sam, from below, with his 
 flute ; lots of other fellows, with their instruments Danc- 
 iiig- and singing ; sideboard covered with nuts, fruits, cake, 
 cream, wine, whisky, etc. Wife, in a hurry to dance, 
 waiting to her husband : 
 
 Dear Hubby : How lonesome I feel in your absence ! 
 The hours pass tediously. Nobody calls on me, and I am 
 constantly thinking of the time when you will be home, 
 and your cheerful countenance light up the routine of 
 every-day life. My household duties keep me constantly 
 employed. I am living as economical as possible, knowing 
 
220 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 that your small income will not admit of frivolous expense. 
 But now, dear, I will say good-bye, or I will be too late for 
 the monthly concert of prayer. In haste, yours, etc. 
 
 A Green Bay woman, whose husband kicks her down 
 stairs every night, says she likes to look over his old letters 
 commencing with " My dearest, darling, little angel, Minnie, 
 Heaven alone knows the depth of my love for you." 
 
 An Iowa woman gave her husband morphine to cure 
 him of chewing tobacco. It cured him, but she is doing 
 her own Spring plowing. 
 
 That was a wise colored man who, in speaking of the 
 happiness of married people, said : 
 
 " Dat ar' 'pends altogedder how dey enjoy demselves." 
 
 A Jersey man married five widows, and they were all 
 red-headed. The same man was once thrown one hundred 
 and fifty feet by an express train, when he picked himself 
 up, looked around for his hat, and remarked : " Well, if I 
 don't find that hat, I'll make the company pay for it." 
 
 CONNUBIAL CONFAB. 
 
 " Arrah, Pat, and why did I marry ye ? jist tell me that 
 — for it's meself that's had to maintain ye ever since the 
 blessed day that Father O'Flanigan sent me home to yer 
 house." 
 
 " Swate jewul," replied Pat, not relishing the charge, 
 "and it's meself that hopes I may live to see the day 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 221 
 
 you're a widow, waping over the cowld sod that covers me; 
 thin, by St. Patrick, I'll see how ye will git along widout 
 me, honey." 
 
 " Love conquers all things," eh ? Poverty and tooth- 
 ache will throw it three times out of four. 
 
 A female lecturer said : " Get married, young men, and 
 be quick about it. Don't wait for the millennium for the 
 girls to become angels. You'd look well beside an angel, 
 wouldn't you, you brutes ? " 
 
 A man, who was sentenced to be hung, was visited hy 
 his wife, who said : " My dear, would you like the children 
 to see you executed ? " 
 No," replied he. 
 
 " That's just like you," said she, "you never wanted the 
 children to have any enjoyment." 
 
 MY WIFE THINKS I'M DRUNK. 
 
 About two o'clock the other morning a policeman found 
 a man sitting on the sidewalk on Franklin Street. Natu- 
 rally, he asked what was the matter. 
 
 "Well," said the man, sadly, "my wife thinks I'm drunk. 
 I've tried twice to get in at the front door, and she's put 
 me out both times, and my self- respect won't allow me to 
 try it again. So I'm waiting till she's quieted down a little, 
 and then I think I can crawl through the cellar window." 
 
 JUST HIS LUCK. 
 
 " You see, some people has good luck, and some people 
 has bad luck. Now, I remember, once I was walking along 
 
222 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 the street with Tom Jellecks, and he went down one side 
 of it and I went down on the other. We hadn't got more'n 
 half way down when he found a pocket-book with two 
 hundred and sixteen dollars in it, and 1 stepped on a 
 woman's dress and got acquainted with my present wife. 
 It was always so," he said with a sigh, "that Tom Jellecks 
 was the luckiest man in the world, and I never had no 
 luck." 
 
 " John Henry," said his wife, with stony severity, " I saw 
 you coming out of a saloon this afternoon." 
 
 "Well, madam," replied the obdurate John, "you 
 wouldn't have me stay in there, would you?" 
 
 An Indiana man bet ten dollars that he could ride the 
 fly-wheel in a saw -mill, and as his widow paid the bet 
 she remarked : " William was a kind husband, but he 
 didn't know much about fly-wheels." 
 
 " I never sot my mind to writin' poetry till two years 
 ago," said a young ruralist, tilting back in a grocery chair, 
 " but the minute I took to goin' with that Johnson girl, 
 I couldn't help it." 
 
 ENGAGEMENT FOR THE NEXT SET. 
 
 A good story is told of a Bostonian's first appearance in 
 polite society in Arkansas. The company were engaged 
 in dancing, but the loveliest female present occupied a 
 chair at the window, without a partner. Stepping up to 
 the lady with a palpitating heart, his mind greatly excited 
 for fear of a refusal, he exclaimed : 
 
 " Will you do me the honor to grace me with your com- 
 pany for the next set?" 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 223 
 
 Her lustrous eyes shone with unwonted brilliancy, her 
 white, pearly teeth fairly glistened in the flickering candle- 
 light, her heaving, snowy bosom rose and fell with joyful 
 rapture, as she replied : 
 
 " Yes, sir-ree ! for I've sot^ and sot^ and sot^ till I have 
 about tuk root ! " 
 
 A bashful young man was escorting a bashful young 
 
 lady, when she said, entreatingly : 
 
 " Jabez, don't tell anybody you beaued me home.'' 
 
 " Don't be afraid," replied he, " I am as much ashamed 
 
 of it as you are." 
 
 A lively pupil at a seminary asked the preceptress for 
 permission to drive out with a gentleman. 
 
 " You know the regulations of the institution," was the 
 answer. " Is he your father ? " 
 No." 
 
 " Is he your brother ?" 
 " No." 
 
 " Are you engaged to him ? " 
 
 " No ; but I expect to be before I get back." 
 
 That answer carried the day. 
 
 A Cairo man warns people not to trust his wife, and she 
 retorts by saying that he'll go without clothes all Summer 
 before she'll take in washing to rig him out again. 
 
 INCONSOLABLE GRIEF. 
 
 We have just met with two or three instances of incon- 
 solable grief, or of remarkable self-control, that deserve to 
 be registered for future use. Mr. Green sued a lady for 
 
 15 
 
224 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 breach of promise. Her friends offered to settle it for two 
 hundred dollars. 
 
 "What!" cried Mr. Green, "two hundred dollars for 
 ruined hopes, a shattered mind, a blasted life, and a bleed- 
 ing heart ! Two hundred dollars for all this ! Never ! 
 never ! never ! Make it three hundred^ and Ws a bargain ! " 
 
 The other case is of a young widow, whose husband had 
 just been cut down by the hand of death. Her dearest 
 female friend called on her to condole with her on the 
 occasion, and was astonished at her composure. " You 
 must excuse me," said the young widow, " for not weeping, 
 for crying always makes my nose bleed ! " 
 
 "It's a solemn thing to be married," said Aunt Bethany. 
 "Yes; but it's a deal more solemn not to be," said the 
 little girl, her niece. 
 
 DITTO. 
 
 A bashful and not over- educated fellow went to see his 
 girl the other night, and as he started av/ay, he put his 
 arm around her and whispered in her ear, " Dearest, I 
 love thee ; " and she responded sweetly, " Ditto," meaning, 
 of course, a reciprocation of his tender passion. The young 
 man could not find " ditto " in his vocabulary, and asked 
 his father, the next day, as they were hoeing cabbage, what 
 it meant. 
 
 The old gent rested on his hoe, and pointed to the cab- 
 bage in front of him, with the remark : " You see that cab- 
 bage?" 
 
 " Yes," responded the youth. 
 
 " And you see the next one there ? " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 225 
 
 " Well, that is called ' ditto.' " 
 
 "D her!" exclaimed the impetuous youth, "she 
 
 called me a cabbao^e head." 
 
 HE DISCARDED HER. 
 
 " Why, Bill, what's the matter with you ? You look 
 down in the mouth." 
 
 " Well, Peter, I dare say if you'd have gone through 
 what 1 have, you'd look bad too." 
 
 " What's the matter ? " 
 
 "Well, you know Sarah Snivels, don't you, Peter?" 
 Yes." 
 
 " 1 discarded her last night." 
 " You did ; what for ? " 
 
 " Well, I'll tell you. She said she wouldn't marry me, 
 and I'd discard any girl that would treat me in that way." 
 
 The city editor of the Jacksonville Journal says the 
 only fault he has to find with his girl is, that she insists on 
 using " black navy " instead of fine cut tobacco. 
 
 A good way to find a girl out is to call when she isn't in. 
 
 "How is your husband this afternoon, Mrs. Swiggs?" 
 
 "Why, the doctor says as how as if he lives till the 
 morn in' he shall have some hopes of him ; but if he don't, 
 he must give him up." 
 
 A colored brother's opinion : " De women oughter work ; 
 dat's so ; for ef it hadn't been for Eve, we wouldn't none 
 of us ha' ben 'bleeged to work 't all." 
 
226 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 DUTCH HUMOR 
 
 A German in a Western town, who has not paid much 
 attention to learning English, had a horse stolen from his 
 barn the other night, whereupon he advertised as follows : 
 
 "Von nite, de oder day, ven I was bin awake in my 
 shleep, I heare sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in 
 my barn, an I out shumps to bed and runs mit the barn 
 out ; and ven T was dere coom I seez dat my pig gray iron 
 mare he vas bin tide loose and run mit the staple off ; and 
 who efer will him back pring, I yust so much pay him as 
 vas bin kushtomary." 
 
 A German who had lived a mean and niggardly life, 
 died and was being buried. Among the few who attended 
 his funeral not one could find a good word to say in his 
 praise. Finally, an old fellow, who thought it was a shame 
 that the funeral should end without some compliment being 
 paid to the memory of the dead, spoke as follows : 
 
 " Veil, beoples may say vat dey will about Hans, but ho 
 vash a goot schmoker." 
 
 An old Dutchman undertook to wallop his son, but Jake 
 turned, and walloped him. 
 
 The old man consoled himself for his defeat by rejoicing 
 at his son's superior manhood. He said : 
 
 " Veil, Jake is a schmart fellow. He can vip his own 
 taddy." ' 
 
 A German looked up at the sky and remarked : 
 
 "I guess a leedle it vill rain somedime pooty queek.'' 
 
 " Yees do, eh ?" replied an Irishman : What business 
 
 have yees to purtend to know about Ameriken weather, ye 
 
 furrin galoot ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 227 
 
 A NARROW ESCAPE. 
 
 A Dutchman was relating Ms. marvelous escape from 
 drowning when thirteen of his companions were lost by 
 the upsetting of a boat, and he alone was saved. 
 
 " And how did you escape their fate ? " asked one of his 
 hearers. 
 
 " I tid not CO in te blame pote ! " was the Dutchman's 
 placid answer. 
 
 " Py Schiminy, how dot boy studies de languages ! " is 
 what a delighted elderly German said when his four -year 
 old son called him a blear-eyed son of a saw-horse. 
 
 " How far is it to Cub Creek ? " asked a traveler of a 
 Dutch woman. 
 
 " Only shoost a little vays." 
 
 "Is it four, six, eight, or ten miles?" impatiently asked 
 the stranger. 
 
 " Yas, I dinks it is," serenely replied the unmoved gate- 
 keeper. 
 
 VERY GOOD CIDER. 
 
 An eccentric German was noted for making and keeping 
 good cider, and for his extreme stinginess in dispensing it 
 to his neighbors when they called to see him. A Yankee, 
 who had heard of this, resolved to try his hand on the old 
 fellow, and coax a pitcher of cider out of him. He made 
 him a call, and praised up his farm and cattle, and, speak- 
 ing of his fine orchard, casually remarked : 
 
 " I hear, Mr. Von Sam, that you make excellent cider." 
 
 " Yash, yash, I does. Hans, bring some cider in the 
 
228 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 The Yankee was delighted at his success, and already 
 smacked his lips in anticipation of good things to come. 
 Hans brought up a quart jug of cider, and placed it on the 
 table before his father. The old farmer raised it with both 
 hands, and placing his lips to the mouth, he drained it to 
 the bottom ; then, handing the empty jug to the dry and 
 thirsty Yankee, quietly observed : 
 
 " Dare ! if you don't believe dat ish goot cider, shust 
 you shmell de shug." 
 
 Two Germans met in San Francisco. After affectionate 
 greeting, the following dialogue ensued : 
 " Fen you said you hev arrived ? " 
 " Yesterday." 
 
 " You came dot Horn around ? " 
 " No." 
 
 " Oh ! I see ; you came dot isthmus across ?" 
 " No." 
 
 " Oh ! den you come dot land over ? " 
 " No." 
 
 " Den you hef not arrived." 
 
 "Oh, yes, I hef arrived. I come dot Mexico through." 
 
 TOOK THE STARCH OUT OF HIM. 
 
 Several conceited young men were assembled on a 
 street corner when a poor Dutchman approached. One of 
 them said to his companions : 
 
 " Boys, I'm going to have some fun ; just watch me fool 
 this Dutchy." 
 
 He went up to the German, to whom he said 
 
 " Kaiser, don't you want to buy a dog ? " 
 
 The person thus addressed quickly responded : " Ya-a-s, 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 229 
 
 I yust want to buy a leetle puppy about your size. Are 
 you for sale ? " 
 
 The puppy struck off, the laughter of his comrades 
 making him purple with ra^e. 
 
 DOT'S ME. 
 
 A countryman had sold a butcher some hogs, and was 
 to deliver them in the afternoon at the residence of the 
 purchaser, but did not know where the said residence was. 
 The butcher then gave him the following directions : 
 
 "You shoost goes pehind de Menger and turns to de 
 right till you comes to a fence mit a hole in it, den you 
 turns up to de right for a while till you sees a house and a 
 big hog in de yard. Dot's me." 
 
 An old Dutchman froze his nose. While thawing the 
 frost out, he said : " 1 haf carry dot nose fordy year, unt he 
 nefer freeze hisself before. I no understand dis ting." 
 
 A Dutchman was about to make a journey to his father- 
 land, and wishing to say "good-bye" to a friend, extended 
 his hand and said : " Veil, off I don't coom back, hullo." 
 
 DR. ''PHLEBOTOMY." 
 
 Dr. Chapman, of Philadelphia, was a great humorist in 
 his time. 
 
 During a summer vacation he made the acquaintance 
 of a country doctor — a clever man, in the Yankee sense of 
 that word. Having never had a regular medical course 
 of instruction, he was quite unacquainted with the techni- 
 cal terms of his profession, and, in fact, was an interloper, 
 with no genuine claim to respect as a physician. 
 
230 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Dr. Jonson, the rural medico, proud of the acquaint- 
 ance of the great Philadelphia physician, brought a patient 
 to him for advice, saying that he had exhausted all his 
 medicine and skill upon the case, with no effect. 
 
 Chapman knew he was a quack, and began : 
 
 " Have you used depletions ? " 
 
 " No, sir," said Jonson ; " I have thought of that, but 
 it is not to be had out here in the country." 
 
 " Perhaps you have tried ve)iesectio)t ? " 
 
 " I have not ; indeed, it has never been introduced 
 among us here." 
 
 " Then I would recommend phlebotomy^'' continued Dr. 
 Chapman. 
 
 " The very thing I was going to give him as soon as I 
 could get some of it from the city. You didn't happen to 
 bring any with you, doctor, did you, sir ? " 
 
 The Philadelphia doctor could hold in no longer. He 
 laughed so heartily that Jonson insisted on an explanation, 
 and when he learned that the three suo:2:estions amounted 
 to the same thing, and that was bleeding, he bolted out, 
 drawing his recovering patient along with him. The story 
 got out also ; and Jonson went by the name of " Phle- 
 botomy" to the day of his death, which happened a few 
 years ago. 
 
 " Say, Smith, where have you been for a week back ? " 
 " I haven't been anywhere for it. I haven't got a weak 
 back." 
 
 " Do you think I'm a fool ? " asked a violent fellow, of a 
 doctor. 
 
 " Really," replied the doctor, I would not have ven- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 231 
 
 tured the assertion, but now that you ask my opinion, I 
 must say that I am not prepared to deny it." 
 
 A doctor, attending a wit who was very ill, apologized 
 for being late one day, by saying he had to stop to see a 
 man that had fallen down a well. 
 
 ^'Did he kick the bucket, doctor?" groaned the incori- 
 gible wit. 
 
 A little boy asked a lady who made her teeth. 
 " My Creator," she replied. 
 
 Well," said the youngster, " Dr. made my ma's, 
 
 and they beat your'n clean out o' sight." 
 
 KNOWING HOW TO CHARGE. 
 
 "There, now," said a dentist to a customer who pre- 
 tended to have a very difficult tooth to draw, " you see how 
 easy it was done." 
 
 " Yes," replied the customer, " and what's yer charge ? " 
 
 "Two dollars," replied the dentist. 
 
 " Whew ! " exclaimed the customer, " but you know 
 how to charge. Why, there's Bill, the blacksmith of our 
 town, tried to pull that 'air tooth, and he dragged me three 
 times round his shop, and charged only twenty - five cents ! " 
 
 " Halloo, doctor, where are you going ? " 
 " I'm called in to see Smith, who's down with a cold." 
 "Oh, they've called you in, have they ? Well, then, I'll 
 stop at the undertaker's and have the coffin got ready." 
 
 A doctor went out West to practice his profession. An 
 old friend met him on the street one day and asked him 
 how he was succeeding in his business. 
 
232 
 
 WIT AKD HUMOR. 
 
 "First-rate," he replied. "I've had one case." 
 « Well — and what was that ? " 
 " It was a birth," said the doctor. 
 " How did you succeed with that ? " 
 "Well, the old woman died, and the child died. But I 
 think I'll save the old man yet ! " 
 
 " How one thing brings up another ! " said a lady, 
 absorbed in pleasing retrospection. 
 
 " Yes," replied the practical Dobbs, " an emetic, for 
 instance." 
 
 TOOK HIM FOR A SKELETON. 
 
 The other day, a newsboy in was almost frightened 
 
 to death at the sight of a human skeleton, hung up in Dr. 
 
 's drug store. After recovering from the fright, he 
 
 landed across the street, opposite the drug store, and com- 
 menced crying out : 
 
 " Here's yer mornin' papers, only three cents." 
 
 At this point, the doctor who is well known in his pro- 
 fession, and very tall and slender, appeared at the door of 
 the drug store and called for a paper. 
 
 The boy looked round, and visions of the skeleton stared 
 him in the face. He knew it was the skeleton. Putting 
 his right hand to his nose, and spreading his fingers out 
 fan-fashion at the doctor, he yelled out : 
 
 " No yer don't ; you can't fool me ; you've got yer 
 clothes on." 
 
 DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. 
 Said I, " My head feels a little achish ; what do you 
 think I had better do ?" 
 
 " Why, friend S.," says the doctor, says he, " the best 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 233 
 
 thing you can do is to go straight home and soak your feet 
 and take a sweat ; 'cause if you don't," said he, " as like as 
 not you may have a fever." 
 
 Says I, "Doctor, I was just thinkin' a little 'sweat would 
 do me good, and I guess I'll go home and try it right 
 away." 
 
 Well, I did ; I went home and took a bowlful of tansy 
 tea, bitter as gall, and if I didn't sweat like a beaver 'tain't 
 no matter. The next morning my head was as clear as a 
 bell, and I was as good as ever 1 was. Well, a day or two 
 afterwards, I met the doctor ; after a little thinking, says 
 the doctor, says he : 
 
 " Neighbor S., I've got a little bill against you." 
 
 "A hill, doctor?" 
 
 "Yes," says he ; "a bill for advice, you know, at Sink- 
 in's store, the other day." 
 
 What do you think he had gone and done ? He'd 
 actually gone and charged me two dollars for telling me 
 to go home and take a sweat, which I was just going to do 
 myself, without his telling. 
 
 " Well, doctor," says I, for I didn't want to appear mean, 
 you know, "it's all right ; I will bear it in mind." 
 
 Well, a few days after, the doctor was passing by my 
 door in his chaise, and somehow or other one of the wheels 
 got a little loose ; so, says I : 
 
 " Doctor, if you don't drive that linch-pin in an inch or 
 so, that wheel will come off." 
 
 "Thank you," says he, and he took a stun and driv in 
 the pin. 
 
 Well, I went into the house and just made a charge of 
 it, and when he came along the next time, I presented him 
 the bill. 
 
284 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "Hello!" says the doctor, says he, " what on airth is 
 that for?" 
 
 " Why, it's for advice," says I. 
 
 "Advice ! " says he. " What advice ? I hain't had none 
 o' your advice." 
 
 "Why, for driving in your wheel-pin, and I've only 
 charged you two dollars and twenty-five cents, and it might 
 have cost you ten times as much." 
 
 " Well," says the doctor, " the little difference between 
 your bill and mine is just twenty-five cents." 
 
 "That is all you owe me," says I. 
 
 " Well, I'll bear it in mind," says he. 
 
 And I expect he will. He's as tight as a candle-mold is 
 the doctor ; and I guess he is able to bear it in mind. 
 
 THE DUTCH DOCTOR. 
 
 Your question reminds me of the old story of the little 
 Dutchman who "set up for a doctor" in New Orleans ; and 
 as it involves as much of an important law in health as 
 well as disease, I repeat it. It seems that a small Dutch- 
 man had been engaged in the lager -beer profession, but 
 had failed. He cast about for a new occupation. The 
 yellow fever had just appeared, and it occurred to him that 
 it might pay to " set up for a doctor." There was no time 
 for books, and so he resolved to study at the bedside of the 
 sick, keeping a little memorandum. His first case was a 
 Dutchman who had the fever pretty badly, but longed for 
 sauer- kraut. The doctor prescribed sauer- kraut. The 
 Dutchman got well. The doctor wrote in his little memo- 
 randum, " Sauer - kraut will cure a Dutchman of yellow 
 fever." His next case of yellow fever was a Frenchman. 
 Sauer-kraut was prescribed. The Frenchman took on the 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 235 
 
 black vomit and died. The doctor added after his first 
 record, ''but will kill a Frenchman." 
 
 A Western paper, in describing an accident recently, 
 says, with much candor : " Dr. Jones was called, and under 
 his prompt and skillful treatme!it the young man died on 
 W ednesday night." 
 
 GOT ANY MEDICINE ? 
 
 "Got any medicine?" asked a boy, entering a drug- 
 store the other, day. 
 
 "Yes, lots of it. What do you want ?" inquired the 
 clerk. 
 
 " Oh, it don't make any difference, so that it's something 
 lively. Dad is fearful bad." 
 
 "What ails him ? " asked the clerk. 
 
 " Duiuio," said the boy ; "but he's run down orful. He 
 just sits around the stove all day and mopes ; he hasn't 
 walloped mother since Christmas. I guess he's going to 
 die ! " 
 
 A PHILOSOPHICAL COLORED MAN. 
 
 An elderly colored man, with a very philosophical and 
 retrospective cast of countenance, was squatting with his 
 bundle upon the hurricane-deck of one of the Western 
 river steamers, toasting liis shins against the chimney, and 
 apparently plunged in a state of profound meditation. His 
 dress and appearance indicated familiarity with camp life, 
 and, it being soon after the siege and capture of Fort 
 Donelson, I was inclined to disturb his reveries, and on 
 interrogation found that he had been with the Union forces 
 at that place, when I questioned farther. His philosophy 
 
 K 
 
236 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 was so peculiar that I will give his views in his own words 
 as near as my memory will serve me : 
 
 "Were you in the fight?" 
 
 " I had a little taste of it, sah." 
 
 " Stood your ground, did you ? " 
 
 " No, sah, I runs." 
 
 " Run at the first fire, did you ? " 
 
 " Yes, sah, an' would have run soonah had 1 knowed it 
 was comin'." 
 
 Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage." 
 " Dat isn't in my line, sah ; cookin's my profession." 
 "Well, but have you no regard for your reputation ?" 
 " Reputation's nuffin to me by de side of life." 
 " Do you consider your life worth more than other 
 people's ? " 
 
 " It's worth more to me, sah." 
 
 "But why should you act upon a diff*erent rule from 
 other men ? " 
 
 "'Cause, sah, diff'rent men sets diff'rent value on der- 
 selves ; my life's not in de market." 
 
 " But if you lost it, you would have the satisfaction of 
 knowing that you died for your country." 
 
 " What satisfaction would dat be to me, when de power 
 of feelin' was gone ? " 
 
 " Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you ?" 
 
 " Nuffin whatever, sah." 
 
 " If our soldiers were all like you, traitors might have 
 broken up the government without resistance." 
 
 " Yes, sah ; der would have been no help for it. I 
 wouldn't put my life in de scales 'gainst any guberment . 
 dat ever existed, for no guberment could replace de loss 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 237 
 
 to me. 'Spect dough dat de guberment's safe if de're aK 
 like me." 
 
 " Do you think that any of your company would have 
 missed you if you had been killed ?" 
 
 " Maybe not, sah ; a dead white man ain't much wid 
 dese sojers, let alone a dead niggah ; but I'd a missed 
 myself, and dat was de p'int wid me." 
 
 During the late war, one of the gun-boat contractors was 
 impressing upon Mr. Lincoln the great superiority of his 
 boats, because they would run in such shallow water. " O, 
 yes," replied the President, "I've no doubt they'll run 
 anywhere where the ground is a little moist ! " 
 
 WHY DON'T YOU SPIT ON IT? 
 
 A good story has been told of a lisping officer of the 
 United States Army, having been victimized by a brother 
 officer (who was noted for his cool deliberation and strong 
 nerves), and his getting square with him in the following 
 manner : The cool joker, the captain, was always quizzing 
 the lisping officer, a lieutenant, for his nervousness. 
 
 " Why," said he, one day, in the presence of his com- 
 pany, " nervousness is all nonsense ; I tell you, lieutenant, 
 no brave man will be nervous." 
 
 " Well," inquired his lisping friend, " how would you 
 do, thpose a shell with an inch futhee thould drop itthelf 
 in a walled angle, in which you had taken thelter from a 
 company of tharp-thootherth, and where it was thertain, if 
 you put out your nothe, you'd get peppered ? " 
 
 " How ? " said the captain, winking at the circle, " why, 
 take it cool, and spit on the fusee." 
 
238 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 The party broke up, and all retired except the patrol. 
 The next morninor a number of soldiers were assembled on 
 the parade, and talking in clusters, when along came the 
 lisping lieutenant. Lazily opening his eyes, he remarked : 
 
 "I want to try an experiment thith morning, and thee 
 how extheeding cool you can be.'' 
 
 Saying this he walked deliberately into the captain's 
 quarters, where a fire was burning on the hearth, and 
 placed in its hottest center a powder canister, and instantly 
 retreated. There was but one mode of egress from the 
 quarters, and that was upon the parade ground, the road 
 being built up for defense ; the occupant took one look at 
 the canister, comprehended his situation, and in a moment 
 dashed at the door, but it was fastened on the outside. 
 
 " Charley, let me out if you love me ! " shouted the cap- 
 tain. 
 
 "Thpit on the canither ! " shouted he in return. 
 
 Not a moment was to be lost ; he had at first snatched 
 up a blanket to cover his egress, but now, dropping it, he 
 raised the window, and out he bounded, sans culottes^ sans 
 everything but a very short under -garment, and thus, with 
 hair almost on end, he dashed upon a full parade-ground. 
 The shout which hailed him brought out the whole barracks 
 to see what was the matter, and the dignified captain pulled 
 a sergeant in front of him to hide himself. 
 
 " Why didn't you thpit on it ? " inquired the lieutenant. 
 
 " Because there were no sharp-shooters in front to stop 
 a retreat," answered the captain. 
 
 " All I got to thay, then, ith," said the lieutenant, " that 
 you might thafely have done it ; for I'll thware there 
 wathn't a thingle grain of powder in it." 
 
 The captain has never spoken of nervousness since. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 239 
 
 PAT'S EULOGY ON GENERAL BURNSIDE. 
 
 A gentleman in Washington reports fo! the " Drawer'' 
 the following colloquy he lately overheard in that city by 
 two " scarred veterans : " 
 
 Pat. " Jamie, did ye iver know General Burnside ? " 
 
 Jamie. " No, I niver had the honor." 
 
 Pat. "Well, he's the foinest gintleman in the worrald. 
 Och, didn't he set his heart by his soger boys ! I mind me 
 well whin I was in the ould bloody Sixty-ninth Rigiment, 
 and at the first battle of Bull Run. At the very furst 
 volley we resaved from the inemy the Gineral rode over 
 like the divil to our rigiment, and stopped right in front 
 of me, and sez he to me, sez he, ' Corporal McQuinn, are 
 you hurt ? ' ' No, sir,' sez I. ' Then,' sez he to me, says he, 
 Met the battle go on.'" 
 
 It went on, though our people didn't seem to take much 
 interest in the fight. 
 
 Our military maneuvers. — Irish drill-sergeant (to a squad 
 of militiamen). " Pr's'nt 'rms ! " — ( astonishing result.) 
 " Hivens ! what a'prisint!' Just stip out here now, and 
 look at yersilves ! " 
 
 A sentinel who was accused of sleeping on his watch, 
 triumphantly showed that his watch was at the pawn- 
 broker's at the very time of the alleged offense. 
 
 The Crimean heroes are all the rage in the Old Country, 
 now that the war is over, especially the Irish heroes. Their 
 modesty is world-famous, and they maintain their reputa- 
 tion. It was at one of the festivals, now so numerous, thai 
 an Irish soldier returned from the East, was accosted : 
 
 16 
 
240 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Well, Pat, my good fellow, and what did you do at the 
 Alma?" 
 
 " Do ! your honor ! Why, I walked up bowldly to one 
 of the inimy and cut off his feet ! " 
 
 " Cut off his feet ! and why didn't you cut off his head ?" 
 "Ah, by my faith, that was off already ! " 
 
 PLACE WHERE WARREN FELL. 
 
 A Yankee gentleman, escorting a British friend to view 
 the different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston, 
 brought him to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the 
 splendid monument, when the Yankee said : 
 
 " This is the place where Warren fell." 
 
 "Ah ! " replied the Englishman, evidently not posted up 
 in local historical matters, "did it hurt him much ?" 
 
 The native looked at him. " Hurt him ! " said he ; " he 
 was killed, sir." 
 
 "Ah ! he was, eh?" said the stranger, still eyeing the 
 monument, and commencing to compute its height in his 
 own mind, layer by layer. " Well, I should think he would 
 have been, to fall so far." 
 
 PARKINSON'S GUNBOAT. 
 
 We do not remember that we ever told the story of 
 Parkinson's gunboat. Parkinson was in the navy, and 
 during the war he conceived an idea that he could build a 
 very small and light gunboat which would carry a heavy 
 gun. so that expeditions could be undertaken up shallow 
 rivers. The Department gave him permission to try the 
 experiment, and he built a boat in accordance with his 
 theory. The first time she went into action was down in 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 241 
 
 the waters of South Carolina. The commanding officer of 
 the troops upon one of the islands sent Parkinson up stream 
 with his craft, with orders to fire at a certain fort. Parkin- 
 son paddled up for about two miles, and then, loading up 
 his one big gun, he aimed at the rebel works. It was very 
 singular, but entirely true, that the boat was so light that 
 the ball in the gun remained stationary, while the boat was 
 fired away from it two miles down stream, where it lit 
 among the Union troops and killed three privates and a 
 corporal. The ball was afterward found in the stream 
 exactly at the spot where the gunboat stood. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF PHILLIPPA. 
 
 Among the troops in Western Virginia, stories about the 
 Phillippa affair still form a staple of conversation. Here is 
 one of the best : 
 
 A certain Indiana company, almost worn out with 
 march, was straggling along with very little regard to 
 order. Hurrying up to his men, the captain shouted : 
 
 " Close up, boys ! d — n you, close up ! If the enemy 
 were to fire on you lohen yoiCre straggling along that icay^ 
 they coulclnH hit a d — n one of you ! Close up ! " 
 
 And the boys closed up immediately. 
 
 "The password is 'Saxe;' now don't forget it, Pat," 
 said the colonel, just after the battle of Fontenoy, at which 
 Saxe was marshal. 
 
 " Sacks ? Faith, and I will not. Wasn't my father a 
 miller?" 
 
 " Who goes there ? " cried the sentinel, after the Irish- 
 man had arrived at his post. 
 
242 
 
 WIT AND HUMOK. 
 
 Pat was as wise as an owl, and, in a sort of a whispered 
 yell, replied : 
 
 " Bags, yer honor ! " 
 
 ALWAYS ON THE WRONG SIDE. 
 
 One morning a party were sitting at White Sulphur, and 
 the conversation had fallen upon the late war. Personal 
 reminiscence was in order. Each was the hero of his own 
 hair-breadth escape, and the sequel was blood and thunder. 
 
 Within earshot sat an old gray-coated Virginian, atten- 
 tively listening and turning his cud reflectively between his 
 teeth. At length he spoke : 
 
 Gentlemen, you have all been through a heap, but they 
 hain't none of you had a wuss time nor I, I'll bet.'' 
 
 " Which side was you on ? " asked one. 
 
 "Nary a side, gentlemen, but I had a very hard time," 
 and the old fellow, drawing out his cud of reflection, pro- 
 ceeded : 
 
 " Wall, when the war fust broke out, I didn't know much 
 about it, nohow. I Avas a-studying it out, but I hadn't come 
 to no judgment. One night my darter, Mary Ann, took 
 powerful sick. The doctor he wrote a script and told me 
 to go right off and get it ; so I bridled my old mar' and 
 started. Wall, gentlemen, when I got, I reckon, 'bout three 
 miles from home — it was monstrous dark — some one called, 
 'Halt!' and I halted. Fust thing I knowed I was a pris- 
 oner, and the boys were 'round thicker than June-bugs. 
 
 Sez I, 'Gentlemens, darter Mary Ann ' Sez they, 
 
 ' Darn Mary Ann ! Who are you fur ? Speak out. Hurrah 
 for somebody ! ' T studied a minit, and sez I, on a venture 
 like, 'Hurrah for Jeff Davis!' They sez, mad as hornets, 
 'I told you he was a rebel. Git off that mar'!' 'Gentle- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 243 
 
 mens, I hain't tellin' you no lie,' I sez. They took me off 
 that mar', and buckled me over a log and hit me over five 
 hundred times. It hurt me powerful bad ; I was monstrous 
 sore. I mounted my mar' and started on. 
 
 "I hadn't got more'n three miles w^hen I heerd another 
 voice call out, 'Halt!' and I halted; and again the boys 
 had me. ' Who are you for ? ' sez they. Sez I, ' Gentle- 
 mens, my darter, Mary Ann, is powerful sick, and the 
 
 doctor ' 'Darn the doctor! Who are you fur. Hurrah 
 
 for somebody ! ' 
 
 "I wa'n't going to be kotched again, so I just took oil* 
 my hat, and I sez, as loud as I could, 'Hurrah for Lincoln ! * 
 ' There,' sez they, madder nor blazes, ' I told you he was a 
 traitor. Get down off that mar.' Gentlemens, I haint 
 telling you no lie. They tuk me off that mar, buckled me 
 over a log, and just gin me five hundred mo'. It was 
 monstrous bad. But I got on an' went along. Just as I 
 was a-cuming into town another voice called out, 'Halt!' 
 and I halted. 'Who are you for?' sez he; 'Hurrah for 
 somebody.' Gentlemens, I wasn't never a-goin' to be 
 kotched again. I jest sez, ' Mister, you jest be so kind as 
 to hurray fust, jest this once.' " 
 
 BARBARA FRIEDCHIE. 
 
 FROM THE DUTCH. 
 
 Droo der slidreeds of Fredcrigtown, 
 Mit der rade hot sun a sdriogin down, 
 Bast der saloons all filled mid bier, 
 Der repel fellers valked on der ear. 
 
 All day droo Frederigtown so fassed 
 Horse und food der soldiers passed ; 
 Und der repel flag shone out so briglid, 
 As if, by jinks, it had got a righdt. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Vare vas der Union flag ? Der sun . 
 Looked down on not a pluddy von. 
 Up jumped dot old Miss Friedchie den, 
 Bend out py her nine schgore years and ten. 
 
 She grabbed up der flag dot der men hauled down. 
 Und fasdened it righd on her nighd gown, 
 Den she sad in her vindow, so all could see 
 Dot der vas von yed dot loafed dot flag so free. 
 
 Up der shdreed comes Shdonevall Jack, 
 A riding on his horse's back ; 
 Under his prows he squinched his eyes — 
 Dot old flag caused him grand surbrise. 
 
 "Hald ! " Each feller shdood shdill ; 
 " Vire ! vas echoed vrom hill to hill ; 
 Id bushd de shdrings of dot nighd gown, 
 But dot old Barbara she vas aroundt. 
 
 She fasdened it once again so gwick ; 
 Den off* der vindow her arms did shdick ; 
 " Sbood, if you must, dis poor old head. 
 But leafe alone dot flag," she said. 
 
 A look of shameness soon came o'er 
 
 Der face of Jack, und der deers did hour ; 
 
 Who bulls a hair of dat bald lied 
 Dies mighty gwick ; go aliet," he said. 
 
 All dot day and all dot nighd, 
 
 Dill every repel had bassed from sighd, 
 
 Und leafed pehind dot Frederigtown, 
 
 Dot old flag vas shdicked on dot nighd gown. 
 
 Dot Barbara Friedchie's work is done : 
 She don'd can efer haf more fun. 
 Bully for her ! shoost drop a deer 
 For dot old woman midout some fear. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 245 
 
 AN EYE- WITNESS' ACCOUNT OF CORNWALLIS' SUR- 
 RENDER. 
 
 Not long since, being at Yorktown, Virginia, 1 fell into 
 a discussion with a very old man, who was quite communi- 
 cative. As nearly as I can recall the words his narrative 
 was as follows : 
 
 " I see Gen. Washington ? Yes, sah ! Why, I was here 
 all de time. See de British ? See Cornwallis ? To be sho' ; 
 wasn't I here — right here — all de time ? Suttenly — I 
 seen 'em all. Now I tell you, massa. I see Gen. Wash- 
 ington, and he was a settin' on his hoss, and a eatin' of a 
 peach; and Cornwallis he come out, a slippin' around to 
 get away, and he start out down toward the creek, and he 
 start to run, but Gen. Washington, he see him d'rectly, an' 
 he started arter him ; and Gen. Washington, he didn't want 
 to take no advantage of him, so he ran well — an' pretty 
 soon he catch Cornw^allis, an' he catch him by de neck, an' 
 
 say: 'You d scoundrel, I got you ! ' And Cornwallis, 
 
 he turn round, an' handed Mr. Gen. Washington his sword, 
 and Gen. Washington, he jess took it an' cut his head off! 
 See it ? To be sho' I see it. I was right here all de time, 
 massa — how I gwine help see it? Jess as I tell you. 
 Gen. Washington was a-sittin' on his hoss, an' eatin' of a 
 peach " 
 
 But it is not necessary for me to repeat the old man's 
 story as often as he did. Suffice to say that he never 
 varied it in any particular, thus furnishing one of the best 
 indicia of veracity and accuracy. 
 
 A German enlisted in the regular army ; in the course 
 of a few days he was put on picket duty. His instructions 
 were, when anybody approached, to say : " Who comes 
 
246 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 there ? " three times, and then shoot. Before long he per- 
 ceived a man approaching ; he waited quietly until the 
 man came very near, when he suddenly brought his musket 
 to his shoulder and shouted, " Who comes dere three times?" 
 Bang ! 
 
 " Ginger, why don't you enlist ? " asked a white soldier. 
 Wal, massa," said the contraband, "did you ever see 
 two dogs fightin' for a bone ? " 
 " Certainly, Ginger." 
 " Wal, did you ever see de bone fight ?" 
 " No." 
 
 " Wal, massa, you're bofe fightin', and Ginger's de bone. 
 Guess dis nigger won't fight." 
 
 A soldier of a cavalry regiment was brought up for 
 stealing his comrade's liquor ration. He was an Irishman, 
 and his defense was unique : " I'd be sorry indade, surr, to 
 be called a thafe ! I put the liquor in the same bottle, and 
 mine was at the bottom ; and sure, I was obliged to drink 
 his to get at me own." 
 
 PRIVATE KELLY. 
 
 Great difficulty was experienced in furnishing the Penn- 
 sylvania troops with shoes at the commencement of the 
 three months' service. Those that were furnished were 
 generally much too large for the wearers — a fault which 
 occasioned much merriment and some inconvenience. A 
 raw recruit in Colonel Owen's regiment was being put 
 through the squad drill, when the following colloquy took 
 place : 
 
 Sergeant. "Why don't ye mind the orthers there, Pat- 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 247 
 
 rick Kelly ? There yeVe bin standin' like a spalpeen iver 
 since ye come out, and never once faced to the right or 
 left ! Shure an' I'll arrist ye ! D'ye moind that ? " 
 
 Private. " Ye're mistaken altogether, sargeant. Shure 
 an' ye've been lookin' at me shoes. Divil a bit can I turn 
 thim around ! " 
 
 ONE THING HE KNEW. 
 
 An old sailor, with plenty of grog aboard, was stagger- 
 ing near a navy-yard, when he was met by Admiral X., who 
 was in command. The sailor, not saluting, as he should 
 have done, the admiral, who was very strict in this particu- 
 lar, addressed the sailor : 
 
 " Do you belong to the United States Navy ? " 
 
 Sailor. " Well, I don't know whether I do or not." 
 
 Admiral. " Don't you ? What ship do you belong to ? 
 Do you know that ? " 
 
 Sailor. "J hardly know that, either." 
 
 Admiral. " Well, sir, do you know me ?" 
 
 Sailor. " No, sir." 
 
 Admiral. I am Admiral X., of the United States Navy, 
 and commander of this navy-yard." 
 
 Sailor. " Well, admiral, there's one thing I do know, 
 and that is, you've got a good job." 
 
 In his laughter the. admiral forgot the salute, and the 
 sailor "steered" ahead. 
 
 THE IRISH SENTINEL. 
 
 A son of the Green Isle, a new member of Colonel 
 Gillam's Middle Tennessee Regiment, while stationed at 
 Nashville, during the late rebellion, was detailed on guard 
 duty on a prominent street of that city. It was his first 
 
248 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 experience at guard - mounting, and he strutted along his 
 beat apparently with a full appreciation of his position. 
 As a citizen approached he shouted : 
 
 " Halt ! Who comes there ? " 
 
 "A citizen!" 
 
 " Advance, citizen, and give the countersign." 
 
 " I haven't the countersign ; and if I had, the demand 
 for it at this time and place is something very strange and 
 unusual," rejoined the citizen. 
 
 " An' by the howly Moses, ye don't pass this v^^ay at all, 
 be jabers, till ye say Bunker Hill," was Pat's reply. 
 
 The citizen, appreciating the " situation," advanced and 
 cautiously whispered in his ear the necessary words. 
 
 " Right ! Pass on," and the wide awake sentinel resumed 
 his beat. 
 
 Probably the most remarkable sense of humor ever 
 known was that of a German soldier who laughed uproar- 
 iously all the time he was being flogged, and when the 
 officer, at the end, inquired the cause of his mirth, broke 
 out into a fresh fit of laughter and cried, " Why, I'm the 
 wrong man ! " 
 
 IRISH TIM M'GOWAK 
 Tim McGowan had his limb crushed when quite a boy. 
 He afterwards lost his life in the Mexican war, and his sur- 
 viving brother, Dennis, never ceased boasting of Tim's 
 exploits. 
 
 " Och, murder," says he, "you ought to seen Tim at 
 Rye - Sack a dollare Pole me (meaning Resaca de la 
 Pal ma). He caught two Mexican blackguards by the 
 cuffs of their necks and kilt them both as dead as herrin's 
 by knockin' their heads together." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 249 
 
 " How could that be," said the listener, " when your 
 brother had but one arm ?" 
 
 " Bless your sowl," answered Dennis, " one arm had he ? 
 That's true enough for ye, but then, ye see, Tim forgot all 
 about that when he got into a fight P 
 
 A waiter was told by a countryman to bring something 
 of what he had." The waiter brought him a regular din- 
 ner upon small dishes, as is the usual form, and set them 
 around his plate. The countryman surveyed them care- 
 fully for a moment, and then broke out : " Well, I like 
 your samples ; now bring on your dinner ! " 
 
 The Norfolk Roanoke House landlord, hearing of the 
 whereabouts of a guest who had decamped without going 
 through the formality of paying his bill, sent him a note : 
 
 " Mr. Dear Sir : Will you send amount of your bill, 
 
 and oblio^e," etc. 
 
 To which the delinquent replied : 
 
 " The amount is $80.62^. Yours respectfully." 
 
 BUILT HIM A FIRE. 
 
 Ferrin, the landlord of the Westminster Hotel, in New 
 York, is not often nonplussed, but last August a dapper 
 little Frenchman staggered him for a moment. Walking 
 up to the office, he accosted Ferrin with : 
 
 " If you please, monsieur, you shall send bill de fire in 
 my room." 
 
 "A what?" said Ferrin, looking at the thermometer, 
 which indicated ninety-two degrees. 
 
 "I wish ze bill de fire in my apartment," replied the 
 Frenchman. 
 
260 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "All right, sir," said Ferrin, with that outward imper- 
 turbability with which the true hotel-keeper receives an 
 order for anything, even if it be gold-dust pudding with 
 diamond plums. "John! fire in 10,001." 
 
 "Yes, sur-r-r ! " said John, and by the time the French- 
 man had arrived at his room, John, with perspiration 
 pouring off of him, had the grate filled and a blaze roaring 
 up the chimney like mad. 
 
 "Vat ze diable you do?" said the astonished foreigner. 
 
 "Built a fire as ye ordered," replied the other exile. 
 
 " Fire be tam ! " said the Frenchman. " I shall roast 
 myself wiz ze heat ! " and rushing down stairs he appeared 
 at the office with inflamed face and moistened shirt-collar, 
 exclaiming : " 1 ask you not for ze fire. What ! think I 
 wish to make myself more hot, eh ? 1 call for bill de fire 
 — ze bill, ze cart, so I can eat myself wiz my dinaire." 
 
 " Bill of fare ? Oh ! yes, sir," said P^errin. " I beg 
 your pardon." And he politely passed out the programme 
 for the day, but deputed a Frenchman of the restaurant to 
 answer any further orders from the subject of Napoleon. 
 
 A gentleman, traveling in Ohio some years ago, turned 
 in at a country tavern for dinner. The room was garnished 
 with a dirty wash-basin, a piece of soap the size of a 
 lozenge, and a square yard of crash, dimly visible through 
 epidemic deposits. Having slightly washed, the traveler 
 eyed the rag doubtfully, and then asked the proprietor : 
 
 " Haven't you, sir, about the premises, a this year's 
 towel?" 
 
 NEVER EAT BACON. 
 At a station on an overland route, the keeper got rather 
 short of provisions — in fact, had nothing left but a bottle 
 
WIT A.ND HUMOR. 
 
 251 
 
 of mustard and some bacon. As the stage stopped there 
 one day to change horses, the passengers seated themselves 
 at the table, and the host said : 
 
 " Shall I help you to a piece of bacon ? " 
 
 "No, thank you ; I never eat bacon," said one traveler. 
 
 " Well, then," said the station -keeper, " help yourself to 
 some of the mustard." 
 
 An Irishman was asked at dinner whether he would 
 take some apple pie : 
 
 " Is it houlsome ? " inquired Teddy. 
 " To be sure it is. Why isn't it ? " 
 
 " Because," said Teddy, " I once had an uncle that was 
 killed with the apple plexy, and sure enough I thought it 
 might be something of the same sort." 
 
 An Irishman, boarding at a second-rate house, was 
 troubled very much with mosquitoes. One night, while 
 sleeping, he woke up and found a bat crawling over his 
 face. 
 
 "Och, murther ! " said he, jumping out of bed. "Be 
 jabers, and they have maskeetys here as big as birds." 
 
 A STUPID COOK. 
 
 Daring the war, one of the northern hotel - keepers was 
 on a visit to Norfolk. The eggs came to the table boiled 
 hard. 
 
 " Look here," said the hotel - keeper, " Sambo, these 
 eggs are boiled too hard. Now, take my watch, and boil 
 them three minutes by it." 
 
 He gave the negro his splendid gold watch. In about 
 
252 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 five minutes the freedman returned with the eggs and 
 watch on the same plate. The watch was wet. 
 
 " What have you been doing to ray watch ? " asked the 
 northern visitor. " Why, it's all wet ! " 
 
 Yes, sah," said the negro. " I biled de watch wid de 
 eggs. All right dis time, sah ! " 
 
 HOW MUCH IS IT ? 
 
 This is an ancient story, but it will bear repetition, and 
 has been started the round of the press again : 
 
 A countryman, with his bride, stopped at a hotel the 
 other day. At dinner, when the waiter presented a bill 
 of fare, the young man inquired, " What's that ?" 
 
 "That's a bill of fare," said the waiter. 
 
 The countryman took it in his hands, looked inquiringly 
 at his wife, and then at the waiter, and finally dived into 
 his pocket, and insinuatingly inquired, " How much is it 
 
 An anecdote is told of a gentleman who greatly dis- 
 liked the custom of giving fees to servants at hotels. He 
 provided himself with a lot of pennies, and on leaving the 
 house he presented one to the waiter, as he stood bowing 
 at the door. 
 
 "1 beg 3^our pardon, sir," said John; "but you have 
 made a mistake." 
 
 " Oh, no," said the gentleman, " not at all. I never give 
 less:' 
 
 A knowing traveler, out West, who had chartered half 
 a bed at a crowded hotel, and was determined to have the 
 best half, buckled a spur on his heel before turning in. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 253 
 
 His unfortunate sleeping partner bore the infliction as long 
 as he could, and at last roared out : 
 
 " Say, stranger, if you're a gentleman, you ought to cut 
 your toe nails." 
 
 " Do you call that a veal cutlet, waiter ? " said a cus- 
 tomer. " Why, it is an insult to every true calf in the 
 country." 
 
 " I didn't mean to insult you, sir," said the waiter. 
 
 When a man without cash or credit attempts to leave a 
 hotel, and lowers his valise out of a back window by means 
 of a rope, it makes charity seem cold to hear the voice of 
 the landlord below, yelling up : " All right, I've got the 
 valise ; let go the rope." 
 
 WHAT WOULD THE BOARDERS SAY. 
 
 Mrs. Dipper to Jonesy, who is deeply in arrears for 
 board : " Mr. Jonesy, won't you step into the parlor for a 
 moment ? I wish to speak with you." 
 
 Jonesy. " Really, Mrs. Dipper, I should like to accom- 
 modate you ; but what would the boarders say at seeing 
 us alone ? Think of the scandal going through the papers, 
 madam. Oh ! no ; excuse me." 
 
 EBERY ROOM ENGAGED. 
 
 A man stopped at de hotel where I work ; after dis- 
 mounting and tieing his horse, says he : 
 
 "Hallo, landlord, can I get lodgings here to-night?" 
 
 De boss says : " No, sir, ebery room in de house is 
 engaged." 
 
254 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Well, can't you eben gib me a blanket, and a bunch 
 of shavings for a pillow, in your bar - room ? " 
 
 " No, sir, dar's not a square foot ob room anywhar in de 
 house." 
 
 " Well, den," said de traveler, I'll thank you to shove 
 a pole out ob your second -floor window, and I'll roost on 
 dat." 
 
 Young Mr. Heavyswell, just arrived from London, went 
 to one of the largest hotels in Philadelphia to inquire 
 about rooms. 
 
 " Yes, sir," said the clerk, " we can accommodate you, 
 and would be pleased to have you patronize us." Handing 
 a key to a brother clerk, he said : " Mr. Smith, show this 
 gentleman 504." 
 
 "'Pon my soul, you know," exclaimed Mr. Heavyswell, 
 " I really haven't timQ to look at so many, you know ; sup- 
 pose you show me a specimen, you know, of the others." 
 
 BOILED AND SCRAMBLE EGGS. 
 
 During the Winter of 1869, a drummer, visiting the city 
 
 of R , N. C, stopped at one of the first-class hotels. 
 
 At the breakfast-table he gave an elaborate order to the 
 waiter, and included in it "two soft-boiled eggs." 
 
 Sambo went off to the kitchen, but soon returned and 
 asked : 
 
 " Mass' Boss, did you want dem eggs scramble ?" 
 
 "No," said the drummer, "I want them soft-boiled." 
 
 "All right, sar," and off he trotted again. 
 
 In a few moments he loomed in again, and remarked, in 
 a most persuasive tone, " Mass' Boss, you better have dem 
 eggs scramble ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 255 
 
 " What do you mean ?" roared the guest. 
 "Well," said Sambo, "Mass' Boss, I'll tell you; dem 
 eggs ain't very fresh, and dey'U look better scramble." 
 
 Just as a traveler was writing his name on the register 
 of a Leavenworth hotel, a bed-bug appeared and took its 
 way across the page. The man paused and remarked : 
 
 "I've been bled by St. Joe fleas, bitten by Kansas City 
 spiders, and interviewed by Fort Scott gray backs ; but I'll 
 be darned if I was ever in a place before where the bed- 
 bugs looked over the hotel register to find out where your 
 room was ! " 
 
 FIFTY CENTS A DAY. 
 
 A thousand-and - one stories are told of the extreme 
 cheapness of living in the " Far West," but as to the way 
 it is occasionally done, we were never fully aware until the 
 matter was explained by Dan Marble. 
 
 "You keep boarders here, ma'am ?" said an individual, 
 addressing the landlady of a house, upon the door of which 
 he saw "Cheap Boarding" painted. • 
 
 " We do," was the response. 
 
 " What do you charge a week ? " 
 
 " For board without lodging, do you mean ? " inquired 
 the lady. 
 
 "Yes, ma'am." 
 
 " Three meals a day, sir ? " 
 
 " Yes, ma'am." 
 
 "Fifty cents is our regular price, sir." 
 "Well," rejoined the inquirer, "that's cheap enough, at 
 all events. Do you give your boarders much of a variety ?" 
 "Yes, sir, something of a variety — we give them dried 
 
 17 
 
256 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 apples for breakfast, warm water for dinner, and let them 
 swell up for supper ! " 
 
 THE BILL OF FARE. 
 A party of our friends stopped one day, a year or two 
 ago, at " Barkis' Hotel," somewhere " out west," and asked 
 him to get them some dinner. " Barkis was willing," and 
 spread before them the following bill of fare ; various, 
 "that the tastes of desultory man, studious of change, and 
 pleased with novelty, might be indulged : " 
 
 Barkis' Hotel — Bill of Fare. 
 
 ROASTED. 
 
 Pig, Pork, Ham, Hog. 
 
 broiled. 
 
 Ham, Eggs, Ham and Eggs, Hams. 
 
 BAKED. 
 
 Beans, Pork and Beans, Bread, Biscuit. 
 
 
 COLD 
 
 DISHES. 
 
 
 Boiled-- 
 
 ■ Ham, 
 
 Roast — 
 
 Swine, 
 
 
 Pork, 
 
 
 Pig, 
 
 u 
 
 Pig, 
 
 (C 
 
 Pork, 
 
 
 Swine, 
 
 C4 
 
 Ham, 
 
 Cooked— 
 
 -Animals, 
 
 Baked — 
 
 -Pig, 
 
 c; 
 
 Injun, 
 
 u 
 
 Ham, 
 
 C4 
 
 Pies, 
 
 u 
 
 Pork, 
 
 (C 
 
 Cake, 
 
 u 
 
 Swine, 
 
 C( 
 
 Biscuit, 
 
 u 
 
 Hog, 
 
 u 
 
 Beans. 
 
 u 
 
 Beans. 
 
 One Scotchman complained to another that he had got 
 a ringing in his head. 
 
 "Do ye ken the reason o' that?" asked the worthy 
 crony. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 257 
 
 "No." 
 
 "I'll tell je — it's because it's empty." 
 "And ha'e ye never a ringing in your head ?" quoth the 
 other. 
 
 " No, never." 
 
 "And do ye ken the reason ? — because it's cracked," 
 
 JOE MARSH TAKEN IN. 
 
 One cold day, Joe sat by his warm bar-room stove, 
 indulging at once his indolence and literary taste — the 
 former in the natural way, and the latter in reading a His- 
 tory of Napoleon. 
 
 Joe read a page or two, when he yielded to a desire to 
 sleep. Some of those roguish boys (of which Bennington 
 has not a few), who were making Joe one of their regular 
 calls, conceived the idea of turning back the leaves to where 
 he first commenced. Joe wakes up in the process of time, 
 and renews his reading ; reads as far as it continues inter- 
 esting, when he again falls asleep, and the boys turn back 
 the leaves as before. This is repeated four times, when a 
 bright idea effectually wakes Joe up. 
 
 "Gosh, boys ! that Napoleon's the smartest feller ever 
 lived ; crossed the Alps four times in one day^ and dragged 
 a heavy cannon after him ! " 
 
 To his bar he adds a store of candies, in which the boys 
 invest all the cents and eggs, etc., they can hook for the 
 purpose of trade. .Joe winks at their wickedness, and 
 puts their pilferings into his till. One evening a big boy 
 brought in a hen and sold it to Joe for a pound of candy. 
 Joe gave him the candy, and told him to put the hen in 
 the barn, which he did. Soon another boy, encouraged by 
 
258 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 the success, brought in a hen, and got the same price, and 
 this set the thing going — the boys always carrying the 
 hen to the barn at Joe's direction. In the morning he 
 found he had been sold badly, having bought the same hen 
 six times, and one of his own at that ! 
 
 The most valuable exterminator we ever heard of was 
 that of the Dutch peddler who was traveling through the 
 country selling bed-bug medicine. Having sold a box of 
 it for half a dollar, the purchaser, a green Dutchman, 
 made inquiry as to how it should be used. 
 
 " Veil, Jake, how you use dot bug poison ? " 
 
 " You catch te pug, opens his mout und drops it in." 
 
 " Ish dot te vay ? " 
 
 " Yah." 
 
 "Yell, I yoost cotch dem, tramp dem mit my foot, und 
 kill dem dot vay." 
 
 " Oh, yah, dat's a goot vay too." 
 
 "John," said a New York country grocer to his man, 
 " have you watered the rum ? " 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Dampened the tobacco ?" 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Sanded the sugar ? " 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Then you may come in to prayers." 
 
 A good story is told of an old gentleman whose eight 
 or ten clerks had bored him to death with conundrums. 
 Going home one evening, he was stopped in front of a 
 closed store by a countryman, who asked : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 259 
 
 " Can you tell me, my friend, why this store is closed ? " 
 " Go to blazes," he cried, " with your conundrums. I've 
 been bored to death with 'em these three weeks ! " 
 
 A DUTCHMAN'S INSURANCE. 
 
 A certain Dutchman had effected an insurance on a 
 small house, of four thousand dollars, although it had Been 
 built for much less. The house got burned down, and the 
 Dutchman then claimed the full amount for which it had 
 been insured ; but the officers of the company refused to 
 pay more than the actual value, about three thousand 
 dollars. He expressed his dissatisfaction in powerful 
 broken English, interlarding his remarks with some choice 
 Teutonic oaths. 
 
 "If you wish it," said the actuary of the insurance 
 company, "we will build a house larger and better than 
 the one burned down, and we are positive it can be done 
 for even less than three thousand dollars." 
 
 To this proposition the Dutchman objected, but at last 
 was compelled to take three thousand dollars. 
 
 Some weeks after he had received the money, he was 
 called upon by the insurance agent, who wanted him to 
 take out a policy of life insurance on himself or on his 
 wife. 
 
 " If you insure your wife's life for ten thousand dollars," 
 the agent said, "and she should die, you would have the 
 sum to solace your heart." 
 
 " Dat be dam ! " exclaimed the Dutchman. " You 'sur- 
 ance fellows ish all tiefs ! If I insure my vife, and my vife 
 dies, and I goes to de office to get my ten thousand dollars, 
 do I gits all de money ? No, not quite. You will say to 
 me, 'She vasn't vorth ten thousand dollars — she vas vorth 
 
 L 
 
260 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 about six thousand dollars. If you don't like de six thou- 
 sand dollars, ve vill give you a bigger and better vife.'" 
 
 AMUSING ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 The character of a people may be known by their adver- 
 tisements. In a certain enterprising town of Pennsylvania, 
 for example, in the "local item" department, appears the 
 following gracious hint : 
 
 Our popular "host," Captain Harte, in order to cater to 
 the wants of his friends, has made arrangements to supply 
 them wath ice-cream every Saturday evening. " Those in 
 want of this delicious bivalve loill do ivell to callP 
 
 In the same organ of public opinion appeared, recently, 
 an editorial notice of certain mammoth swine just slaugh- 
 tered by a Mr. R . The following is the concluding 
 
 sentence : " Those who wish to look at a fat hog, should see 
 Mr. H before going elseicherey 
 
 GOUGH'S "DRUGGER" STORY. 
 
 To hear Gough tell the "drugger" story is worth a 
 quarter any time. The story is a capital one, but it takes 
 the man to tell it. This he does in some such words as 
 these : 
 
 A long, lean, gaunt Yankee entered a drug-store and 
 asked : 
 
 "Be you the drugger ? " 
 "Well, I s'pose so ; I sell drugs." 
 
 "Wall, hev you got any of this here scentin? stuff as 
 the gals put on their handke'chers ?" 
 "Oh, yes." 
 
 "Wall, our Sal's gine to be married, and she gin me a 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 261 
 
 ninepence, and told me to invest the hull 'mount in scentin' 
 stuff, so's to make her sweet, if I could find some to suit ; 
 so, if you've a mind, I'll jest smell 'round." 
 
 The Yankee smelled round without being suited until 
 the " drugger " got tired of him ; and, taking down a bottle 
 of hartshorn, said : 
 
 " I've got a scentin' stuff that will suit you. A single 
 drop on a handkercher will stay for weeks, and you can't 
 wash it out ; but to get the strength of it, you must take a 
 o^ood bior smell." 
 
 ''Is that so. Mister ? Wall, just hold on a minute till I 
 get my breath ; and when I say neow^ you put it under my 
 smeller." 
 
 The hartshorn of course knocked the Yankee down, as 
 liquor has done many a man. Do you suppose he got up 
 and smelt again, as the drunkard does ? Not he ; but, roll- 
 ing up his sleeves and doubling up his fists, he said : 
 
 " You made me smell that tarnal everlastin' stuff. Mister, 
 and now I'll make you smell fire and brimstone." 
 
 WANTED SOAP. 
 
 A deaf old lady walked into a Main Street store, re- 
 cently, and asked for ten cents' worth of soap. 
 
 " We don't sell a bit's worth," said the polite clerk 
 
 ".Yes, I want the yeller kind," replied the old lady. 
 
 " You don't understand me, madam," said the clerk ; "I 
 said a bit won't buy any soap in this establishment." 
 
 " Sure enough," replied the aged customer ; " soap isn't 
 what it used to be in my time ; they put too much rozum 
 in it these days " 
 
 " Oh, Lord ! " exclaimed the now distracted clerk, in a 
 stage whisper, " will you just hear this old lunatic ?" Then 
 
262 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 placing his moath to the dame's ear, he fairly screamed . 
 " We do-ri't se-ell a bit's worth of soap he-re ! " 
 
 "Yes," said the old lady, "you may put it up in paper 
 and tie a string around it if you like." 
 
 The clerk rushed to a box, took out a bar of soap, and 
 almost threw it at the poor old woman, exclaiming : 
 
 " Take it and get, you old haridan of thunderation ! " 
 
 The old lady carefully laid her dime on the counter, and, 
 as she did so, remarked to the clerk ; 
 
 "You're the politest and accommodatin'est young man I 
 ev^er seed, and I'll call agin when I want some more soap." 
 
 With an oath, the clerk picked up the bit and flung it 
 through the door into the street, and rushed into the office 
 and told the book-keeper to charge him with one bar of 
 soap ; and now he feels bad because he didn't buy a couple 
 of cherries with the short bit he so rashly flung away. 
 
 VERY GERMAN. 
 
 People may have noticed this sign in Mr. Dolan's store, 
 on Broadway : 
 
 " Took Notais. — Mebbe you don't petter had loaf roundt 
 here ven you don't got some peasnis — ain't it." 
 
 We suppose it was written by the same man who said : 
 
 " Ven some mans slaps me on the shoulder und says : ' I 
 vas glad to hear you vas so veil,' und den sticks behind my 
 back his fingers to his nose, I haf my opinion of dot veller." 
 
 CAPITAL AND EXPERIENCE. 
 The writer was chatting, a few weeks ago, on the 
 piazza of the United States Hotel, at Saratoga, with a 
 bright German gentleman, retired from business, who 
 related the following little anecdote : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 263 
 
 " Going down to New York the other night on the boat,'* 
 said he, "I got to chatting with a German acquaintance, 
 and asked him what he was doing." 
 
 " Veil," he replied, " shust now I am doing nodings, but 
 I have made arrangements to go into pizness." 
 
 " Glad to hear it. What are you going into ? " 
 
 "Veil, I goes into partnership mit a man." 
 
 " Do you put in much capital ? " 
 
 " No ; I doesn't put in no gapital." 
 
 " Don't want to risk it, eh ? " 
 
 " No, but I put in de experience." 
 
 " And he puts in the capital ? " 
 
 " Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree years ; 
 he puts in de gapital, I puts in the experience. At the 
 end of de dree years I will have the gapital, and he will 
 have the experience." 
 
 DEAD BOOK AGENT. 
 A tramp sat upon a door - step, tenderly caressing his 
 head and shoulders, when his " pard " came. 
 " What's the matter with you, Jacob ? " 
 "I'm in doubt, Henry ; I'm in doubt." 
 " In doubt ; what about ? " 
 
 "Well, Henry, I went into that alley -gate up there to 
 get somethin' to eat; I might a-knowed somethin' ud 
 happen, for tliere was a dead book agent lay in' on the 
 flower bed, and a liniment man with the side of his head 
 all caved in, leanin' up again the peach-tree." 
 
 " Well?" 
 
 " You see, I allers was ventursum, so I asked a woman 
 standin' there, would she give me a berry pie and a piece 
 of fresh shad ? " 
 
 " Well, what happened then ? " 
 
264 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Now, Henry, that's what I'm in doubt about. I don't 
 seem to make out whether the back of the porch fell down 
 on me, or I stepped on a keg of dynamite and it bursted 
 under me. Why, Henry, I'd sooner work half an hour 
 than go into that yard agin." 
 
 A darkey, left in charge of a telegraph office, while the 
 operator went to dinner, heard some one " call " over the 
 wires, and began shouting at the instrument : 
 
 " De operator isn't yer ! " 
 
 CASE OF MEANNESS. 
 
 I was telling to Uncle Rufus Stebbins, not long since, 
 the story of a mean man. It happened up in New Hamp- 
 shire, at old Dean's store, in Eaton. It was at a time when 
 money was scarce, and when all sorts of trading at the 
 country stores was done in barter. One day a man named 
 Sipper — an old sponge from Crab - Hollow — called at the 
 store, and wanted a darning-needle, in exchange for which 
 he offered an egg. Mr. Dean accepted the offer — took the 
 egg, and furnished the needle. 
 
 " Wal," said Sipper, " arn't ye goin' to treat ? " 
 
 ''What ?" cried the storekeeper, in surprise — "on that 
 trade ? " 
 
 " Sartin. A trade's a trade, ain't it ? Some's big, an' 
 some's little ; but the little ones may be big ones by-'m-by." 
 " Well, what'll you have ? " 
 
 Sipper said he'd have a glass of wine ; and the wine was 
 poured out. 
 
 " Say, Mr. Dean, wouldn't you jest put an egg into that 
 ere wine ? I like it better that way." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 265 
 
 Ready now to humor so mean a man in any way, Dean 
 broke into the man's glass the identical egg which had been 
 paid for the needle, and which, as it fell into the wine, 
 proved to have a double yolk. 
 
 " Hi ! Look here ! " demanded Sipper. " This 'ere egg's 
 got a double yolk. DonH you think you ought to give me 
 another darnin'- needle ? " 
 
 " Pooty all -fired mean, that," said Uncle Rufe ; "but I 
 think we've got his beat up in Sagadahock. Sam Porter 
 his name is. Skimaiin' milk on the top, an' then turnin' it 
 over an' skimmin' the bottom ain't a circumstance. Why, 
 one day Sam happened to be loafin' around Zack Marston's 
 cooper shop, and he found a stray bung -hole ; an' blam'me 
 if he didn't have the cheek to go in and ask Marston to 
 give him a barrel to fit that ''ere b ung-hole.'^^ 
 
 QUALITY EXTRAORDINARY. 
 " Doctor," said a Yankee farmer, entering the store of 
 the village apothecary, "that ere ratsbane o' yourn is 
 fust -rate." 
 
 "Ah, certainly — I knew it," returned the vender of 
 drugs, greatly pleased. " Don't keep nothing but the pure 
 things here." 
 
 " Sartin," responded the husbandman, with a twinkling 
 nod ; " and, doctor, I guess I'll have another pound of it." 
 "Another pound?'' 
 
 " Yaas ; I gin that pound 'at I bought last week to a 
 pesky old rat that has worried me awfully, and, I tell ye, it 
 made him about the sickest crittur you ever see, I kind o' 
 reckon as howH another pound might kill him."" 
 
 About on a par with this is the complaint of a man who 
 had bought a keg of powder for blasting purposes. 
 
266 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " Say, squire," said the individual in question, entering 
 the store where he had purchased the powder, " d'ye know 
 that ere powder o' yourn is risky stuff to handle ? " 
 
 " Risky ! " repeated the storekeeper, not quite compre- 
 hending. 
 
 " Yaas — kind o' dangerous." 
 
 " Ah — you refer to its intense explosive qualities." 
 
 " Explosive qualities ! I don't know nothing about that ; 
 but it's the allfiredest stuff to burn. Why, that ere keg 
 caught fire accidentally, and I'm blamed if the powder 
 didn't burn half up afore we could j^ut it out!'''' 
 
 " Buy a trunk, Pat," said a dealer. 
 
 "And what for should I buy a trunk ?" rejoined Pat. 
 
 " To put your clothes in," was the reply. 
 
 " And go naked ? " exclaimed Pat ; " not a bit iv it ! " 
 
 "Do you know how to sell more ale?" asked a by- 
 stander of a liquor dealer. 
 " No, but I'd like to know." 
 "Well, sell less froth." 
 
 HOW THEY TRADE IN THE KENTUCKY MOUNTAINS. 
 
 At Point Creek, Jackson County, a trader had bought 
 sheep of a resident. Resident had one more to sell, when 
 the following conversation ensued : 
 
 Trader. " I'll give you two dollars for that sheep." 
 
 Resident. " It's worth five dollars." 
 
 Trader. " It ain't worth two dollars." 
 
 Resident. " It's worth five dollars." 
 
 Trader. " It ain't." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 267 
 
 Resident (drawing a large navy). " What's that there 
 sheep worth ? " 
 
 Trader. " Under the circumstances, I think it's worth 
 nigh unto six dollars." 
 , They traded forthwith. 
 
 A perplexed Jew who had made a garment for a youth, 
 and found himself unable to dispose of the surplus full- 
 ness, which appeared when trying it on the young candi- 
 date, declared vociferously that " de coat is goot. It is no 
 fault of de coat. De poy is too slim ! " 
 
 "ACCOMMODATION" OFFERED AT THE BANK. 
 
 A capital example of what is often termed " taking the 
 starch out," happened in a country bank in New England. 
 A pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and 
 addressing the teller, who is something of a wag, inquired : 
 
 " Is the cashier in ? " 
 
 " No, sir," was the reply. 
 
 " Well, I am dealing in pens, supplying the New Eng- 
 land banks pretty largely, and I suppose it will be proper 
 for me to deal with the cashier." 
 
 " I suppose it will," said the teller. 
 
 " Very well ; I will wait." 
 
 The pen peddler took a chair and sat composedly for a 
 full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time he began 
 to grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about 
 twenty minutes, and, seeing no prospect of a change in 
 his circumstances, asked the teller how soon the cashier 
 would be in. 
 
 "Well, I don't know exactly," said the waggish teller, 
 but I expect him in about eight weeks. He has jiist gone 
 
$ 
 
 268 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come 
 back in that time." 
 
 Peddler thought he would not wait. 
 
 " Oh, you may stay if you wish," said the teller very 
 blandly. " We have no objection to you sitting here in 
 the day-time, and you can probably find some place in 
 town where they will be glad to keep you nights." 
 
 The pompous peddler disappeared without another word. 
 
 BANKING RULES. 
 
 The following rules are recommended to the attention 
 of those who do business at the banks. They will be the 
 means of saving a great deal of time and annoyance — by 
 not following them : 
 
 If you have any business with a bank, put it off until 
 two o'clock, or, if it is possible, a little later, as it looks 
 more business-like to rush in just as the bank is closing. 
 
 In depositing money, try to get it upside down and 
 wrong end foremost, so that the teller may have a little 
 exercise in straightening it up before counting it. 
 
 It is best not to take your bank-book with you, but call 
 at another time to have it entered. You can thus make 
 two trips to the bank where one would answer. 
 
 If a check is made payable to your order, be careful not 
 to indorse it before handing it to the teller, but let him 
 return it to you and wait while you indorse it ; this helps 
 to pass the time, and is a pleasure and relief to the teller. 
 
 You can generally save time, when making a deposit, by 
 counting your money down to the teller, as you can nearly 
 always count more speedily and correctly than he can. 
 
 When you make a deposit, do not use a deposit ticket, 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 269 
 
 but mix, indiscriminately together, checks and bills, since 
 it facilitates matters exceedingly. 
 
 If you make a deposit of one hundred dollars, and give 
 a check for fifty dollars, it is a good thing to call fre- 
 quently at the bank and ask how your account stands, 
 as it impresses the officers favorably with your business 
 qualifications. 
 
 Never keep any record when your notes fall due, and 
 then if they are protested, censure the bank for not giving 
 you notice. 
 
 Always date your checks ahead, it is a never - failing 
 sign that you keep a good balance in bank, or if you do 
 not wish it generally known that you are doing a good 
 business, do not deposit your money until about the time 
 you expect your check will be in. 
 
 A strict observance of the foregoing rules will make 
 your accounts desirable for any bank, and will make you a 
 general favorite with all the bank officers. 
 
 A WAY TO GET KID OF BORROWERS. 
 
 A gentleman, whose place of business is not a thousand 
 miles from the Merchants' Exchange, is annoyed, as many 
 business men are, by impecunious individuals desiring 
 small loans. He has adopted the following method of 
 dealing ,with them : 
 
 He will listen amicably to the long preface to the 
 request to ''Just lend me five dollars for a few days?" 
 and answers : 
 
 " Certainly," and then turning to a clerk, says : 
 
 "James, we have five dollars to lend, have we not ?" 
 
 "Yes, sir," says well -trained James. 
 
 " Well, lend it to Mr. Beet." 
 
270 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " It is not in, sir, you loaned it to Mr. Bummer day 
 oefore yesterday." 
 
 "Ah, yes ; so I did. Well, when it comes in lend it to 
 Mr. Beet;" and bowing to the borrower, the merchant 
 resumes his business, and the needy one walks dejectedly 
 out to try a more profitable place. 
 
 " How often must I climb three pairs of stairs before I 
 get the amount of this little account ? " 
 
 Debtor. " Do you think I am going to rent a place on 
 the first floor to accommodate my creditors ?" 
 
 Stablekeeper. "By -the -way shall I put in an extra 
 buffalo?" 
 
 English Blood. " Couldn't you let me 'ave an 'orse, you 
 know? Er-er rather not drive a buffalo first time, you 
 know." 
 
 "OLD BEN RUSSELL." 
 
 Probably no man was better known in the business and 
 social circles of Boston, at a former period, than the above- 
 named worthy. 
 
 He was a good joker, but "once on a time" was fairly 
 caught in his own trap. He was, perhaps, better known as 
 Major Ben Russell, and being met one day by his old friend 
 Busby, he was familiarly saluted with a hearty shake of the 
 hand, and "How do you do, old Ben Russell ?" 
 
 " Come, now," said Major Ben, " I'll not take that from 
 you — not a bit of it ; you are as old as I am this minute." 
 
 " Upon my word," said Mr. Busby, " you are my senior 
 by at least ten years." 
 
 " Not at all, friend Busby, and, if you please, we will 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 271 
 
 determine that question very soon — just tell me what is 
 the first thing you can recollect ?" 
 
 " AVell, the very first thing I recollect," said Mr. Busby, 
 " was hearing people say : ' There goes old Ben Russell ! ' " 
 
 GERMAN IDEA OF THE THING. 
 
 A thin, cadaverous- looking German, about fifty years 
 of age, entered the office of a health insurance company 
 in Indiana, and inquired : 
 
 " Ish te man in vot inshures de people's helts ? " 
 
 The agent politely answered, 1 attend to that business, 
 sir." 
 
 " Yell, I vants mine helts inshured ; vot you charge ? " 
 
 " Different prices," answered the agent, " from three to 
 ten shillings a year ; pay ten dollars a year, and get ten 
 dollars a week, in case of sickness." 
 
 "Vel," said Mynheer, "I vants ten dollars' vort." 
 
 The agent inquired his state of health. 
 
 " Veil, I ish sick all te time. I'se shust out te bed two, 
 tree hours a tay, und te doctor says he can't do nothing 
 more goot for me." 
 
 " If that's the state of your health," returned the agent, 
 " we can't insure it. We only insure persons w^ho are in 
 good health." 
 
 At this, Mynheer bristled up in great anger. 
 
 "You must tink I'se a big fool ; vot ! you tink I come 
 pay you ten dollars for inshure my helt, ven I vas veil? " 
 
 A negro walked into a drug store the other day, and 
 said, "Boss, gimme fi' cents wurf ob squills, fi' cents wurf 
 ob oppycac, and fi' cents wurf ob sody." "You think 
 
 18 
 
272 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 that'll fetch 'em, do you?" jokingly asked the druggist. 
 " I dunno, but fo' de Lawd, boss, dat's forty-fi' cents I done 
 gone an' spent on dat nigger wench, un' if she don't get 
 well dis time I'll break her back." 
 
 A TENDER-HEARTED BROTHER. 
 A couple of enterprising men, doing the clothing busi- 
 ness at Atlanta, are interviewed by a customer in search of 
 a coat. The senior of the firm handles the new-comer, 
 and soon finds a ''first-class fit." In answer to the price, 
 the response is, " Eighteen dollars." 
 
 " Well, sir, I like your coat very much, but don't like 
 the price." 
 
 "Well, mine frent, ze price is nothing so you like ze 
 coat. We let you take 'em at fifteen dollars." 
 
 The customer still complains of the price, saying that 
 fifteen dollars was too much. This was too heavy for the 
 dealer, so, taking his customer to the extreme end of the 
 store, and drawing him into a dark corner, he whispers in 
 his ear, "Mine frent, I let you have zat coat for twelve 
 dollars and a half." 
 
 " Well, sir," said the customer, " I like your coat very 
 much, and am satisfied with the price, yet I would like to 
 know why this mysterious performance ? " 
 
 " Veil, mine frent, you see dot leetle man dere ? He was 
 mine broder. He got ze heart disease, and so help me 
 gracious, if he was to hear me tell you I take twelve dol- 
 lars and a half for zat coat he drop dead mit his track." 
 
 A demure-looking chap hailed a charcoal peddler with 
 the query, " Have you got charcoal in your wagon?" " Yes, 
 sir," said the expectant driver, stopping his horses. " That's 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 273 
 
 right," observed the demure chap, with an approving nod; 
 "always tell the truth, and people will respect you!" and 
 he hurried on, much to the regret of the peddler, who was 
 getting out of the wagon to look for a brick. 
 
 ANSWERING A TAILOR'S DUN. 
 Sheridan — scholar, wit and spendthrift — being dunned 
 by a tailor to pay at least the interest on his bill, answered 
 that it was not his interest to pay the principal, nor his prin- 
 ciple to pay the interest. The tailor thoughtfully retired. 
 
 A Western editor speaks of his rival as " mean enough 
 to steal the swill from a blind hog! " The rival retorts by 
 saying: "He knows he lies; I never stole his swill." 
 
 An editor in Illinois, having engaged a new reporter, 
 received the following as his first effort: "We are informed 
 that the gentleman who stood on his head under a pile-dri- 
 ver for the purpose of having a tight pair of butes druv on, 
 shortly found himself in Chiny, perfectly naked, and with- 
 out a cent in his pockets." 
 
 An old farmer said to his sons: " Boys, don't you ever 
 spekerlate or wait for somethin' to turn up. You might 
 jest as well go and sit down on a stone in the middle of a 
 medder with a pail 'twixt your legs and wait for a cow to 
 back up to you to be milked." 
 
 A fellow walked into a Troy music store the other day, 
 called for a piece of music entitled "Act on the Square," 
 and, while the clerk was looking for it, walked off with a 
 $6.50 banjo. 
 
274 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 HOW TO BREAK AN OX. 
 
 Somebody wrote to the editor of a country paper to ask 
 how he would "break an ox?" The editor answered as 
 follows: "If only one ox, a good way would be to hoist 
 him by means of a chain attached to his tail to the top of a 
 pole forty feet from the ground. Then hoist him by a rope 
 tied to his horns to another pole. Then descend on his 
 back a five ton pile driver, and if that don't break him, let 
 him start a country newspaper and trust people for sub- 
 scriptions. One of the two ways will do it sure." 
 
 An Iowa merchant sent a dunning letter to a man who 
 replied by return mail: "You say you are holding my 
 note yet. That is all right, perfectly right. Just keep 
 holding on to it, and if you find your hands slipping, spit 
 on them and try again. Yours affectionately." 
 
 UNTRUE ^TO HIMSELF. 
 
 He is a second-hand clothier, and holds forth in South 
 St. Joseph. It was the hour of ten in the morning when 
 he reeled into an adjoining establishment, fell into a chair, 
 weaved his hands into the tangled locks of his gray hair, 
 and rocking back and forth, moaned out : 
 
 " Oh ! dear, oh ! dear, I ish ruined." 
 
 "Yat is the matter, Jacob," asked his sympathizing 
 brother in the trade, bending over him. 
 
 "You remember dat coat vot I paid six bits for on 
 yesterday ? " 
 
 " Yes, T remember him." 
 
 "Just now a man from the country comes in and asks 
 me how much for dat. I tells him dree dollars; and would 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 275 
 
 you believe it, Moses, he puts his hand right into his 
 pocket and pays de full price without a word — " Here he 
 lowered his voice to the lowest whisper — " so help me gra- 
 cious, Moses, I pelieve he'd paid me five dollars, just the 
 same." 
 
 " Jacob, how you vas swindle yourself." 
 " Dat vas vot makes me hate mine self so much as never 
 vas." 
 
 A TOUCH OF NATURE. 
 
 It is seldom in this cold, busy and unappreciative world 
 that we are called upon to narrate an incident of genuine 
 feeling; to see exemplified in our e very-day life the ''touch 
 of nature that makes the whole world kin ; " but here is a 
 case that should not be allowed to pass into oblivion with- 
 out at least a passing notice. 
 
 The incident refers to a Chicago firm, composed of two 
 partners, engaged in the cheap clothing business. One of 
 them fell sick and died, and it is with his dying words, so 
 fraught with genuine feeling, that we have to deal. 
 
 A man by the name of Ferguson was one of their cus- 
 tomers. He came to that city to buy a bill of goods after 
 the melancholy death of one of the partners. The surviv- 
 ing member of the firm met him at the door, draped in 
 solemn sables, and wringing his hands in almost speechless 
 anguish, thus addressed him : 
 
 "Ah, Mr. Ferguson, I'm glad to see you. We've had a 
 
 loss, a serious loss, Mr. Ferguson ; Mr. H is dead. 
 
 He was a fine man, Mr. Ferguson, and he thought a great 
 deal of you. Many and many a time, when he couldn't 
 sit upon his elbow and take his broth, he's said to me, ' Oh, 
 if I could only see Mr. Ferguson again!' And the day he 
 
276 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 died, Mr. Ferguson, the words he said to me were, ' Solo- 
 mons, when Mr. Ferguson comes to Chicago after I'm dead 
 and gone, be sure you sell him goods at the very lowest 
 bottom price.' And I will, too, Mr. Ferguson. What shall 
 I show you ? " 
 
 A book - agent took refuge under a hay - stack during a 
 thunder storm and the lightning struck him on the cheek, 
 glanced off and killed a mule two hundred yards away. 
 
 Please sir," said a boy, with two bottles, to a grocer, 
 " mother wants a cent's worth of your best yeast." 
 " Well, which bottle will you have it in ?" 
 
 Please, sir, she wants it in both ; and won't you put 
 corks in 'em and send 'em home, as I'm going t'other way. 
 And mother says she hasn't got a cent ; but you must 
 charge it." 
 
 A Kansas City German got angry with a banker of that 
 place for demanding a heavyMiscount, and when the banker 
 asserted it was " business," replied : 
 
 " Pisiness ? Pisiness ? You sit here all day long and 
 rob a man barefaced before his pack und calls dat pisi- 
 ness ! " 
 
 "PULL DOWN YOUR VEST." 
 
 " You keep vests, mine friend," said a Dutchman, enter- 
 in?^ a Fulton clothing store the other day. The clerk 
 promptly averred that the store was crammed with them. 
 
 ''I vant a vest," said the Teuton, "vat don't rise up on 
 his hint legs mit the neck. I bought one in Syracuse not 
 long ago mit a two dollar bill, und by shimminy I don't 
 notice dot myself, but everywhere I go the boys gry out 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 277 
 
 mit der streets : ' Yacub, vy in der name of der board of 
 drusdees don't you pull down your vest down?' and, py 
 dam, I have pulled dot vest mor'n dree dousand dimes, till 
 I wore all the pindings off mit der puttons ! " 
 
 The clerk explained the joke and sold him a vest, anc^ 
 the old man went out with the exclamation : 
 
 " Py shimminy, I don't hear somedings about dot in 
 Shermany before " 
 
 PAY IN PORK. 
 
 A traveler for a Battery street firm had just returned 
 from a collection trip, and he leaned up against the desk in 
 a picturesque attitude to make his report. 
 
 "How about Slocum?" asked the principal, after several 
 other customers had been talked over. 
 
 " Oh, he's all right," said the traveler, " he'll pay. He 
 says he'll pay you in pork." 
 
 " Pork!" exclaimed the merchant. " Pork, nonsense. This 
 is a dry goods house; what in thunder does he mean by say- 
 ing he'll pay me in pork? " 
 
 "Well, I don't know," replied the unruffled traveler; 
 " but he told me he'd pay you in a hog's eye, and I guess 
 that means pork." 
 
 THE DAY OF JUDGMENT. 
 
 "When," said he violently, "when are you going to pay 
 me that bill ? I've dunned you till I'm tired and mad. 
 Now, I want a positive answer — when will you pay it?" 
 
 " By Jove ! " was the reply, " you must take me for a 
 prophet. How can I tell ? " 
 
 When Charles James Fox was pressed by an importu- 
 nate creditor, he was explicit. 
 
278 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "I beg your pardon, Mr. Fox," said the dun, "but you 
 know I have waited a long while. Still, 1 do not want to 
 make the time of payment inconvenient to you. I only 
 desire you will fix upon some day certain in the future 
 when you will pay." 
 
 "That is very kind of you," responded Fox, "and I will 
 accede to your request with pleasure. Suppose we name 
 the Day of Judgment. But stop, since that will be a very 
 busy day, suppose we say the day after." 
 
 SCENE-A BUTCHER'S STAND. 
 
 Butcher. "Come, John, be lively now ; break the bones 
 in Mr. Williamson's chops and put Mr. Smith's ribs in the 
 basket for him." 
 
 John (briskly). "All right, sir; just as soon as I've 
 sawed off Mrs. Murphy's leg." 
 
 A PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 The proprietor of a tan -yard adjacent to a certain town 
 in Virginia, concluded to build a stand, or sort of store, on 
 one of the main streets, for the purpose of vending his 
 leather, buying raw hides, and the like. After completing 
 his building, he began to consider what sort of a sign would 
 be best to put up for the purpose of attracting attention to 
 his new establishment, and for days and weeks he was sorely 
 puzzled on this subject. 
 
 At last a happy idea struck him. He bored an auger- 
 hole through the door-post, and stuck a calf's tail into it, 
 with the bushy end flaunting out. After a while he noticed 
 a grave -looking personage standing near the door with his 
 spectacles on, gazing intently on the sign. And there he 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 279 
 
 continued to stand, gazing and gazing, until the curiosity of 
 the tanner was greatly excited in turn. He stepped out, 
 and addressed the individual : 
 " Good morning," said he. 
 
 " Morning," said the other, without moving his eyes from 
 the sign. 
 
 " You want to buy leather ? " said the store-keeper. 
 " No." 
 
 " Do you wish to sell hides ? " 
 " No." 
 
 "Are you a farmer?" 
 " No." 
 
 " Are you a merchant ? " 
 " No." 
 
 " Are you a lawyer ? " 
 " No." 
 
 " Are you a doctor ? " 
 " No." 
 
 " What are you, then ? " 
 
 " I'm a pJiilosopher, I have been standing here for an 
 hour, trying to see if I could ascertain how that calf got 
 through that auger - hole." 
 
 CONUNDRUMS. 
 
 Why is a kiss like scandal ? Because it goes from 
 mouth to mouth. 
 
 Why is a whisper forbidden in polite society? Because 
 it isn't aloud. 
 
 Why are young ladies at the breaking up of a party like 
 arrows ? Because they can't go off without a beau, and 
 are all in a quiver till they get one. 
 
280 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 If the devil were to lose his tail, where would he go to 
 get a new one put on? To some low grog-shop, where the 
 worst of spirits are retailed. 
 
 When is a man out of date ? When he's a weak back. 
 
 In what key would .a lover write a proposal of marriage? 
 Be mine ah ! 
 
 Why is a rooster on a fence like a nickel ? Head on 
 one side, tail on the other. 
 
 "Clara," asked Tom, "what animal dropped from the 
 clouds ? " " The rain, dear," was the reply. 
 
 When are stockings like dead men ? When they are 
 men-ded ; when their soles are departed ; when they are in 
 holes 5 when they are past heeling ; when they are no 
 longer on their last legs. 
 
 What did the spider do when he came out of the ark ? 
 He took a fly and went home. 
 
 Why is a minister near the end of his sermon like a 
 ragged urchin ? Because he's toward his close. 
 
 Why is a mouse like a load of hay ? Because the cat'll 
 eat it. 
 
 " Why," asked Pat, one day, " why was Balaam a first- 
 class astronomer ? " The other man gave it up, of course. 
 " Shure," said Pat, " 'twas because he had no trouble in 
 finding an ass-to-roid." 
 
 Why should no man starve on the deserts of Arabia ? 
 Because of the sand which is there. 
 
 How came the sandwiches there? The tribe oi Ham 
 was hred there and mustered. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 281 
 
 "Jim, kin you tell me de difrence between a rotten 
 head of cabbage and a watermelon ? " 
 "No, sah." 
 
 " Well, for de land sakes, you'd be a nice nigger to send 
 out to buy a watermelon ! E'yah ! e'yah ! " 
 
 Why is a dishonest bankrupt like an honest poor man ? 
 Because both fail to get rich. 
 
 When does a farmer act with great rudeness toward his 
 corn ? When he pulls its ears. 
 
 Why is a tom-cat like a surgeon ? Because they both 
 mew-till-late. 
 
 Why is old age like a dog's tail ? Because it is in-firm. 
 
 Why does a donkey like thistles better than corn ? 
 Because he is an ass. 
 
 Why should young ladies never wear stays ? Because it 
 is so horrid to see a girl "tight." 
 
 Why is a room full of married ladies like an empty room? 
 Because there is not a single one in it. 
 
 What animals are always seen at funerals? Black kids. 
 
 When does the rain become too familiar with a lady ? 
 When it begins to pat her (patter) on the back. 
 
 Why should soldiers be rather tired on the first of 
 April ? Because they have just had a March of thirty-one 
 days. 
 
 Which is the most popular of the United States ? Mat- 
 rimony. 
 
 Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milk- 
 
282 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR, 
 
 man who has retired on an independence ? Because he 
 took a great profit out of the water. 
 
 What is the difference between a sailor and a beer- 
 drinker ? One puts his sail up, and the other puts his ale 
 down. 
 
 Why is a tin can tied to a dog's tail like death ? Because 
 it's somethino; bound to a cur. 
 
 Why are little puppy dogs like some churches? Because 
 they depend upon dog-mas for their existence. 
 
 Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the pit ? 1. Be- 
 cause they thought it was a good opening for the young- 
 man. 2. Because there was no room for him in the family 
 circle. 
 
 What is the difference between the North and South 
 Pole ? All the difference in the world. 
 
 If you were going through the woods, which had you 
 rather have, a lion eat you or a bear ? The lion eat a bear. 
 
 COULDN'T RUN ANY GAME ON THE YANKEE. 
 
 On the bank of the Hudson River, in one of the villages 
 that dot its shores, a lot of idlers were standing, seeing 
 which could throw stones the farthest into the stream. A 
 tall, raw-boned, slab-sided Y^ankee, and no mistake, came 
 up and looked on. For a while he said nothing till a fellow 
 in a green jacket, the leader of the party, a conceited broth 
 of a boy, began to try his wit on Jonathan. 
 
 " You canH come that^'^ said he, and he hurled a stone 
 away out into the river. 
 
 " Maybe not," ^aid Jonathan ; " but up in our country 
 we've a purty big river, considerin', and t'other day I hove 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 283 
 
 a man clear across it, and he came down fair and square on 
 the other side." 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha ! " yelled his auditors. 
 
 " Wal, neow, yew may laff, but I can do it again." 
 
 "Do what ?" said the green jacket, quickly. 
 
 "I can take and heave you across that river yonder, just 
 like open and shet." 
 
 " Bet j^ou ten dollars of it." 
 
 "Done," said the Yankee ; and drawing forth an X 
 (upon a broken down-east bank) he covered the bragger's 
 shinplaster. 
 
 " Kin you swim, feller ? " 
 
 " Like a duck," said green jacket ; and without further 
 parley the Vermonter seized the knowing Yorker stoutly 
 by the nape of the neck and the basement of his pants, 
 jerked him from his foot-hold, and with an almost super- 
 human effort dashed the bully heels over head from the 
 bank, some ten yards into the Hudson. 
 
 A terrible shout ran through the crowd as he floundered 
 into the water, and amidst the jeers and screams of his 
 companions the ducked bully put back to the shore and 
 scrambled up the bank, half frozen by this sudden and in- 
 voluntary cold bath. 
 
 "I'll take that ten spot, if you please," said the shivering 
 loafer, advancing rapidly to the stakeholder. "You took 
 us for greenhorns, eh ? We'll show you how to do things 
 down here in York and the fellow claimed the twenty 
 dollars. 
 
 "Wall, I reck'n yeou wunt take no ten spots jis' yit, 
 captin'." 
 
 " Why ? You've lost the bet." 
 
 " Not exzactly. I didn't calkilate on deuin it the first 
 
 M 
 
284 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 time ; but I tell you I kin deu it," and in spite of the 
 loafer's utmost efforts to escape him, he seized him by the 
 back of the neck, and the seat of his overalls, and pitched 
 him three yards further into the river than upon the first 
 trial ! 
 
 Again the bully returned amidst the shouts of his mates, 
 who enjoyed the. sport immensely. 
 
 Third time never fails," said the Yankee, stripping off 
 his coat ; " I kin deu it, I tell ye." 
 
 "Hold on! " said the almost petrified victim. 
 
 " And I will deu it if I try till to-morrow mornin'." 
 
 "I give it up!" shouted the sufferer between his teeth, 
 which now chattered like a mad badger's; " take the money," 
 
 The Vermonter very coolly pocketed the ten spot, and as 
 he turned away remarked : 
 
 " We ain't much acquainted with your smart folks daoun 
 here in York, but we sometimes take the starch aout of 'em 
 up our way ; and p'rhaps yeou wunt try it ontu strangers 
 agin. I reck'n yeou wunt," he continued, and putting on a 
 broad grin of good-humor, he left the company to their re- 
 flections. 
 
 A market girl sold a gentleman a fine fat goose, warrant- 
 ing it to be young. It turned out, when roasted, to be un- 
 manageably tough. The next day the gentleman said to the 
 marketer : " That goose which you sold to me for a young 
 one was very old." 
 
 "Certainly not," said the girl; "don't you call me 
 young ? " 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, T am but nineteen, and I heard mother say often 
 that that goose was six weeks younger than me." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 286 
 
 A MULE TO BET ON. 
 
 Jake Johnson had a mule. There was nothing remark- 
 able in the mere fact of his being possessor of such an 
 animal, but there was something peculiar about the mule. 
 He (the animal) could kick higher, hit harder on the slight- 
 est provocation, and act uglier than any other mule known 
 on record. 
 
 One morning, riding his mule to market, Jake met Jim 
 Boo-ors, ao;ainst whom he had an old and concealed 2:rudo;e. 
 He knew Boggs' weakness lay in bragging and betting ; 
 therefore he saluted him accordingly. 
 
 " How are you, Jim ? Fine morning." 
 
 " Hearty, 'Squire," replied Jim. Fine weather. Nice 
 mule that you are riding. Will he do to bet on ? " 
 
 "Bet on? Guess he will do that. I tell you, Jim Boggs, 
 he's the best mule in the country." 
 
 " Great smash ! Is that so ? " ejaculated Jim. 
 Solid truth, every word of it. Tell you confidentially, 
 I am taking him down for betting purposes. I bet he can 
 kick a fly off any man without its hurting him." 
 
 " Now look here, 'Squire," said Jim, " I am not a betting 
 character, but I'll bet you something on that myself." 
 
 "Jim, there's no use — don't bet. I don't want to win 
 your money." 
 
 " Don't be alarmed, 'Squire. I'll take such bets as them 
 every time." 
 
 " Well, if you are determined to bet, I will risk a small 
 stake — say five dollars." 
 
 "All right, 'Squire — you're my man. But who'll he kick 
 the fly off? There is no one here but you and I. You try 
 it." 
 
286 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " No," says Johnson ; " I have to be at the mule's head 
 to order him.'' 
 
 "Oh, yaas," says Jim. "Then probably I'm the man. 
 Waal, I'll do it, but you are to bet ten against my five if I 
 risk it?" 
 
 "All right," quoth the 'Squire. "Now there's a fly on 
 your shoulder. Stand still." And Johnson adjusted the 
 mule. 
 
 " Whist, Jervey ! " said he. 
 
 The mule raised his heels with such velocity and force 
 that Boggs rose in the air like a bird and alighted on all 
 fours in a muddy ditch, bang up against a rail fence. 
 
 Rising in a towering passion, he exclaimed : 
 
 " Yaas, that is smart! I knew your darned mule couldn't 
 do it. You had all that put up. I wouldn't be kicked like 
 that for fifty dollars. You can just fork over them stakes 
 for it,, any way." 
 
 " Not so fast, Jim. Jervey did just what I said he would 
 — that is, kick a fly off a man without its hurting him. You 
 see the mule is not hurt by the operation. However, if you 
 are not satisfied, we will try again as often as you wish." 
 
 " The deuce take you," growled Jim, " I'd rather have a 
 barn fall on me at once than have the critter kick me again. 
 Keep the stakes, but don't say anything about it." 
 
 AN INQUISITIVE YANKEE. 
 
 A peering New Englander overtook a gentleman who 
 was traveling on horseback, notwithstanding the disadvan- 
 tage of having lost a leg. His curiosity was awakened, as 
 he rode alongside of him, to know how he chanced to meet 
 with such a misfortune. 
 
 " Been in the army, I guess ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 287 
 
 " Never was in the army in my life," was the reply. 
 
 " Fit a duel ? " 
 
 " Never fought a duel, sir." 
 
 " Horse throwed you off, I guess, or something of that 
 sort?" 
 
 " No, sir ; nothing of that kind." 
 
 Jonathan tried various dodges, but to no effect, and at 
 last, almost out of patience with himself, as well as with the 
 gentleman, whose patience was very commendable, he deter- 
 mined on a direct inquiry as to the nature of the accident 
 by which the gentleman had come to lose his leg. 
 
 " 1 will tell you," replied the traveler, " on condition 
 that you will promise not to ask me another question." 
 
 "Agreed ! " exclaimed the eager listener. 
 
 "Well, sir," remarked the gentleman, "it was bit off! " 
 
 " Bit off ! " cried Jonathan. " Wa'al, I declare; I should 
 jes like to know what on airth bit it off ? " 
 
 "DARNED SMART FELLERS." 
 
 They used to locate the " darned smart feller," who 
 always got the best of a bargain, in New England. They 
 called him sometimes a " Connecticut Yankee." It was he 
 who, as the story ran, confused the slow-going grocer with 
 an intricate mathematical calculation, and absorbed his beer 
 scot-free. 
 
 "How much," said he, in a rapid, rattling sort of a way 
 not common in country towns, which of itself rather 
 startled the grocer — "how much are herrings this morn- 
 ing?" 
 
 Slowly answered the grocer, "Three cents apiece." 
 "Ah," said Smarty, briskly, "I'll take one ;" and the 
 
 19 
 
288 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 grocer rolled him up his herring. As he took the parcel a 
 new thought struck him. 
 
 " Keep beer ? " he shouted explosively. 
 
 " Yes," said the grocer, as soon as he recovered from the 
 shock of his customer's abruptness. 
 
 "How much a glass ?" 
 
 "Three cents." 
 
 " Oh, ah," said the customer, thoughtfully, and then with 
 great rapidity : " Well, T won't take the herring — I'll take 
 beer ; herring's three cents ; beer's three cents ; give me 
 the beer — there's the herring ; " and he passed over the 
 herring, drank the beer, and started to go. 
 
 "See here," interrupted the grocer, "you haven't paid 
 for the beer." 
 
 " Paid for it ; of course I haven't ; I gave you the her- 
 ring for it ; both the same price, you said." 
 
 " Y-e-s — I know," said the grocer, who was getting con- 
 fused ; "but you didn't pay for the herring." 
 
 "Pay for it!" thundered Smarty ; "of course I didn't. 
 Why should I ? I didn't take it, did I ? " 
 
 And then the grocer said meekly : "Oh, well, I presume 
 it's all right — only I don't — but of course you're correct — 
 only, if you'd just as leave, I wish you'd trade some- 
 where else." 
 
 The customer retired, and the grocer fell into a brown 
 study, from which he at length emerged with the remark, 
 "Well, that's a darned smart feller anyhow." 
 
 A New Hampshire man told a story about a flock of 
 crows three miles long and so thick you could not see the 
 sun through it. 
 
 " Don't believe it," was the reply. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 289 
 
 "Wa'al," said the narrator, "you're a stranger, and I 
 don't want to quarrel with you ; so, to please you, I'll take 
 off a quarter of a mile in the thinnest part." 
 
 An Englishman was boasting to a Yankee that they had 
 a book in the British Museum which was once owned by 
 Cicero. 
 
 " Oh, that ain't nothin'," retorted the Yankee ; " in the 
 museum in Boston they've got the lead-pencil that Noah 
 used to check off the animals that went into the ark." 
 
 PEDDLER MATCHING A SHERIFF. 
 
 There was a sheriff in Illinois, who was rather "taken 
 in and done for," on one occasion. He made it a prominent 
 part of his business to ferret out and punish peddlers of 
 merchandise who traveled without a license; but one morn- 
 ing he met his match — a genuine Yankee peddler. 
 
 " What have you got to sell ? Anything ? " asked the 
 sheriff. 
 
 " Yaas, sartin' ; what would you like to hev? Got razors 
 — first-rate ; that's an article that you want, tew, Square, 
 I should say, by the look o' your haird. Got good blackiu' 
 — 'fill make them old cowhide boots o' yourn shine so't you 
 you can shave into 'em, e'enamost. Balm o' Klumby, tew — 
 only a dollar a bottle, good for the hair, and assistin' poor 
 human natur', as the poet says." 
 
 And so he rattled on. At length the sheriff bought a 
 bottle of the Balm of Columbia, and in reply to the ques- 
 tion whether he wanted anything else, that functionary said 
 that he did — he wanted to see the Yankee's license for ped- 
 dling in Illinois, that being his duty as the high sheriff of the 
 State, 
 
290 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 The peddler showed him a document, fixed up good and 
 strong, in black and white. The sheriff looked at it, and 
 pronounced it "all right." Then handing back the bottle 
 to the peddler, he said : 
 
 " I don't know, now that I've bought this stuff, that I 
 shall ever want it. I reckon that I may as well sell it to 
 you again. What will you give for it ? " 
 
 " Oh, I don't know that the darned stuff is any use to me 
 but seeing its you^ sheriff, I'll give you twenty-five cents for 
 it, ef you raly doyiH want it." 
 
 The sheriff handed over the bottle, at the six shillings 
 discount from his own purchase, and received his change. 
 
 " Now," said the peddler, " I've got a question or tew to 
 ask yon, Hev you got a peddler's license about your trow- 
 sers anywhere ? " 
 
 " No ; I haven't any use for the article myself ^^"^ replied 
 the sheriff. 
 
 " Haint, eh ? Wal, T guess we'll see about that pretty 
 darned soon. Ef I understand the law, it's a clean case 
 that you've been tradin' with me, and hawkin' and peddlin' 
 Balm o' Klumby on the highway, and I shall inform on you 
 — darn'd ef I don't^ neow ! " 
 
 The Yankee was as good as his word. When he reached 
 the next village, he made his complaint, and the sheriff was 
 fined eight dollars for selling without a license. 
 
 The sheriff was heard afterward to say that " you might 
 as well try to hold a greased eel as a live Yankee." 
 
 A Yankee in Paris, who was listening to the boasts of a 
 lot of English and French artists about the wonderful genius 
 of their respective countrymen, at length broke out, saying : 
 " Oh, pshaw! you git out! Why, there's Bill Divine, of our 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 291 
 
 village, who kin paint a piece of cork so exactly like marble 
 that the minute you throw it into the water it will sink to 
 the bottom just like a stone." 
 
 The Dutchman was a victim to a practical joke, who lost 
 five dollars to the Yankee, on a bet that the Yankee could 
 eat the Dutchman. Jonathan beo-an the mastication at the 
 extremities, and was soon saluted by the roar and kick of 
 the Dutchman. " Oh, dunder and blitzen ! stop dat bitin'. 
 Take your fife dollar. It hurts ! " 
 
 A man about thirty years old, having a shot - gun on his 
 shoulder and two pigeons in his hand, was recently standing 
 on a street corner telling a crowd that he had been out and 
 killed five hundred pigeons since sunrise. 
 
 " You're a liar ! " shouted a man on the edge of the 
 crowd. 
 
 The stranger looked at him long and earnestly, and then 
 inquired : 
 
 " Where did you get acquainted with me ? " 
 
 HOW TO TAKE OUT THE SCENT. 
 
 Sitting on the piazza of the Cataract House, a few Sum- 
 mers ago, was a young, foppish - looking gentleman^ his 
 garments very highly scented with a mingled odor of musk 
 and cologne. A solemn-faced old man, after passing the 
 dandy several times with a look of aversion which drew 
 general notice, suddenly stopped, and in a confidential tone, 
 said : 
 
 " Stranger, I know what'll take that scent out of youi 
 slothes ; you — ■ — " 
 
292 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "What do you mean, sir ?" said the exquisite, fired with 
 indignation, starting from his chair. 
 
 "Oh, get mad now — swear, pitch around and fight, 
 because a man wants to do you a kindness ! " coolly replied 
 the stranger. " But I'll tell you I do know what'll take out 
 that smell — phew! you must bury your clothes; bury 'em 
 a day or two. Uncle Josh got afoul of a skunk, and he — " 
 
 At that instant there went up from the crowd a simulta- 
 neous roar of merriment, and the dandy very sensibly 
 " cleared the coop," and rushed up stairs. 
 
 TOO BAD. 
 
 Very stern parent indeed. " Come here, sir ! What is 
 this complaint the schoolmaster has made against you ?" 
 
 Much injured youth. " It's just nothing at all. You see, 
 Jimmy Hughes bent a pin, and I only just left it on the 
 teacher's chair for him to look at, and he came in without 
 his specs and sat right down on the pin, and now he wants 
 to blame me for it ! " 
 
 "Why Sammy," said a father to his little son the other 
 day, " T didn't know that your teacher whipped you last 
 Friday." 
 
 "I guess," he replied, "if you'd been in my trousers 
 you'd know'd it." 
 
 A remarkable game of cards was played in the base- 
 ment of a house on Washington street yesterday. The boy 
 of the house had just turned up a diamond and was waiting 
 for the other boy to lead, when the old man appeared at the 
 head of the stairs, ordered the other boy up, turned up his 
 own boy, discarded some of his apparel, and swung a club. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 293 
 
 The old man played it alone, and made every point, although 
 the neighbor's boy cut. 
 
 " Don't you wisht you was me ?" said a six-year old boy 
 to one of his companions, " for I've got twenty-five cents, 
 and I'm goin' to the barber shop to get my hair cut, an' I'll 
 have pink water squirted on my head ? " 
 
 " I guess dad wishes we'd all die and go to Heaven," said 
 a miser's son to his maternal parent. 
 
 " Why so ? " she asked upon recovering from her aston- 
 ishment. 
 
 " Oh, 'cause Heaven's such a cheap place to live in." 
 
 A white boy met a colored lad the other day, and asked 
 him what he had such a short nose for ? 
 
 " I 'spec so it won't poke itself into other people's busi* 
 ness." 
 
 Teacher. " Who was the first man ? " 
 
 Head scholar. " Washington ; he was the first in war, 
 first in " 
 
 Teacher. " No, no ; Adam was the first man." 
 
 Head scholar. "Oh, if you're talking of foreigners, I 
 s'pose he was." 
 
 " What are you doing there, you rascal ? " 
 
 Merely taking cold, sir." 
 " It looks to me as if you were stealing ice." 
 " Well, yes, perhaps it will bear that construction." 
 
 "Are you lost, my little fellow ?" asked a gentleman of 
 a four-year old one day. 
 
 " No," he sobbed in reply, " b-but m-my mother is." 
 
294 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 AN INTELLIGENT PUPIL. 
 
 There is a great deal of latent intelligence in the world, 
 which only needs a little awakening to be fully brought 
 out. Witness the following colloquy : 
 
 '^Annette, my dear, what country is opposite to us, on the 
 globe ? " 
 
 " Don't know, sir." 
 
 "Well, now," continued the perplexed teacher,' "if I 
 were to bore a hole through the earth, and you were to go 
 in at this end, where would you come out ? " 
 
 " Out of the hole^ sir," replied the pupil with an air of 
 triumph at having solved the great question. 
 
 " Where were you, Charlie ? " 
 " In the garden, ma." 
 
 " No, you have been swimming ; you know I have cau- 
 tioned you about going to the creek. I will have to correct 
 you. Look at your hair, how wet it is." 
 
 " Oh, no, ma, this is not water — it is sweat." 
 
 "Ah, Charlie, I have caught you fibbing; your shirt is 
 wrong side out." 
 
 Boy, triumphantly. " Oh, I did that just now, ma, climb- 
 ing the fenceP 
 
 " Mother, can I go and have my photograph taken ?" 
 " No, I guess it isn't worth while." 
 
 " Well, then, you might let me go and have a tooth pulled 
 out ; I never go anywhere." 
 
 A youngster, while warming his hands over the kitchen 
 fire, was remonstrated with by his father, who said : 
 " Go 'way from the stove ; the weather is not cold." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 295 
 
 The little fellow, looking up at his stern parent, demurely 
 replied : 
 
 " I ain't heating the weather ; I'm warming my hands." 
 
 "Are you going after that sugar?" called a Marquette 
 (Mich.) mother to her boy, who was in the street. 
 
 " Am I going after that sugar ? " drawled the youth in a 
 saucy and impudent tone ; but just then he happened to see 
 his father coming up behind him, and he said, very respect- 
 fully and lovingly, "Why, of course I am, ma — I didn't 
 know you needed it right away." 
 
 MUST BE HEREDITARY. 
 
 A promising youth of seven summers, who had been 
 accused of not always telling the truth, cross-examined his 
 father : 
 
 " Father! did you ever used to lie when you were a 
 boy?" 
 
 "No, my son," said the paternal, who evidently did not 
 recall the past with any distinctness. 
 
 " Nor mother, either ? " persisted the young lawyer. 
 " No ! but why ? " 
 
 "Oh, because I don't see how two people who never 
 told a lie could have a boy who tells as many as I do." 
 
 A benevolent and kind-hearted old gentleman, seeing a 
 sooty urchin weeping bitterly at the corner of the street, 
 asked him the cause of his distress : 
 
 " Master has been using me shamefully," sobbed the lit- 
 tle fellow, " he has been letting Bill Hudson go up the 
 chimney, next door, when it was my turn ! He said it was 
 
296 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 too high, and too dangerous for me, but I'll go up a chimney 
 with Bill Hudson any day in the year; that's what I will! " 
 
 " What are wages here ? " asked a laborer of a boy. 
 "I don't know, sir." 
 
 " What does your father get on Saturday night ? " 
 "Get!" said the boy, "why he gets as tight as a brick." 
 
 "Now, Willie, do have a little courage. When I have 
 a powder to take I don't like it any more than you do; but 
 I make up my mind that I will take it and I do." 
 
 "And when I have a powder to take," replied Willie, " I 
 make up my mind that I won't take it and I don't." 
 
 Seven o'clock, a. m. — Boy has terrible toothache ; can't 
 go to school. Half-past nine a. m. — A solitary figure may 
 be seen skulking through the streets leading to the creek ; 
 perch and chubs bite. Half-past six p. m. — Scene, wood- 
 shed, dramatis personce^ the old man, one trunk strap, one 
 boy. Let's draw the curtain. 
 
 A little boy, after watching the burning of the school- 
 house until the novelty of the thing had ceased, started 
 down the street, saying, " I am glad the old thing is burned 
 down : I didn't have my jogfry lesson, nohow ! " 
 
 " I say, boy, stop that ox." 
 
 " I haven't got no stopper, sir." 
 
 "Well, head him, then." 
 
 " He's already headed, sir." 
 
 "Confound your impertinence — turn him." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 297 
 
 " He's right side out already, sir." 
 
 Speak to him, you rascal, you." 
 " Good morning, Mr. Ox." 
 
 A lad who was at play with the son of a next door 
 neighbor, asked his companion : 
 " Is not your father a fool ? " 
 
 " No ! who said that of my father ? " was the reply. 
 
 " Nobody, as I knows on," responded the knowing urchin, 
 " but mother told me t'other day that I was next door to a 
 fool, and I didn't know whether she meant your father or 
 Nat. Smith's." 
 
 Irritable schoolmaster. Now, then, stupid, what's the 
 next word ? What comes after cheese ? " 
 Dull boy. "A mouse, sir." 
 
 He isn't six years old, and said : " Please, Sarah, can't 
 I have another piece of that nice custard - pudding you 
 made?" 
 
 "Why dear, you are almost too full to speak now. Look 
 at that delicious dumpling on your plate, not half eaten." 
 
 "Oh, well, Sarah, I know the dumpling side of my stom- 
 ach is full, but the custard-pudding side is rather empty 
 
 yet?" 
 
 The other piece of pudding is missing. 
 
 HE WANTED A JEWS' HARP. 
 
 A tender and loving mother was endeavoring to convey 
 to the inquiring mind of her little child an idea of Heaven, 
 and the necessity of being a good boy in order to obtain 
 admission there hereafter. She pictured to his imagination 
 
298 
 
 WIT AND HUMOli. 
 
 the happiness of the blest, and as an additional inducement 
 to lead a correct life, said he would be like the angels, w\\?> 
 have harps in their hands. 
 
 " Mamma," said the urchin, wistfully gazing into his 
 mother's eyes, " Mamma, if it makes no difference to God^ 
 I'd rather have a jews' harp." 
 
 "Willie, I'm going to Heaven," she wrote, "and you 
 will never see me again ; " which was pretty heavy on 
 Willie. 
 
 "Why were you late this morning, sir?" said the teacher 
 rather sharply. 
 
 "Well, sir, you see I heard that a little fellow next door 
 to us was goin' to have a dressin' down with a bed cord, 
 and so I waited to hear him howl." 
 
 DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW. 
 
 Maud (with much sympathy in her voice). " Only fancy, 
 mamma. Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery in Bond 
 street, and there was a picture of a lot of early Christians, 
 poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, 
 who were devouring them ! " Ethel (with more sympathy). 
 "Yes, and mamma dear, there was one poor tiger that hadnH 
 got a Christian." 
 
 "Dan," said a young four-year old, "give me a sixpence 
 to buy a monkey?" "We have got one monkey in the 
 house now," replied the elder brother. " Who is it, Dan ?" 
 asked the little fellow. "You," was the reply. "Then 
 give me sixpence to buy the monkey some nuts." The 
 brother could not resist. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 299 
 
 A RETENTIVE MEMORY. 
 
 A girl and a boy, each about seven years old, were seated 
 amid their grown relatives, and talking of things which had 
 occurred at the remotest period of their recollection. The 
 little girl remembered when she had a doll that could cry. 
 The boy here spoke up and said he recollected worse than 
 that. ''How worse ?" said half-a-dozen voices in a breath. 
 "Why, I recollect four weeks afore I was born, and I cried 
 all the time for fear I'd be a gal." 
 
 " Here, boy, hold my horse," said a gentleman who had 
 driven a wretchedly lean animal up to the door of a village 
 inn. "Hold him ! " exclaimed the boy. "Hold him ! Jes' 
 lean him up against that young tree there, that'll hold him! " 
 
 "Will the boy who threw that pepper on the stove 
 please come up here and get the present of a nice book ? " 
 said the school teacher, but the boy never moved. He was 
 a far-seeing boy. 
 
 " Who hurt you, bub ? " asked a pedestrian of a small 
 )^oy who sat howling on the curbstone. "Johnny Kydd," 
 sobbed the victim. "I'll see about him if he does it 
 again," remarked the man condolingly ; but the boy sud- 
 denly stopped howling, and exclaimed: "Just leave him 
 alone. When I grow up, I'll get on the police force, and 
 then I can belt him all I want to." 
 
 CLASS IN ORNITHOLOGY. 
 
 " Class in ornithology stand up. John Slump, take that 
 shoemaker's wax out'n your jaws. Now then, where are 
 ' kites ' to be found in the greatest numbers ? " 
 
300 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 " In Wall street, sir, cos father sez everybody down there 
 goes a-kitin' every day." 
 
 "John Slump, did you understand my question 
 
 " No — no, sir, not 'zactly." 
 
 " Then you'd better pin your ears back." 
 
 "And you'd better cut your'n off an' there'd be more 
 room for yer hair to grow." 
 
 John Slump partook of a dose of ferule and wept. 
 
 "Did you ever see an elephant's skin ?" asked a teacher 
 in an infant school. " I did," shouted a six-year old at the 
 foot of the class. "Where?" inquired the teacher, con- 
 siderably amused at his earnestness. " On the elephant," 
 shouted the prodigy, gleefully. 
 
 While Dr. Mary Walker was lecturing, lately, in one of 
 our rural towns, it is said that a youth cried out : 
 
 " Are you the Mary that had a little lamb ? " 
 
 " No ! " was the reply, " but your mother had a little 
 jackass ! " 
 
 " Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to 
 lend me a guinea ?" 
 
 Jerrold. " Oh ! yes ; I've all the confidence, but I 
 haven't the guinea." 
 
 " Bob Brown, did you say that my father had not as 
 much sense as Billy Smith's little yellow dog?" 
 
 "No; I never said any such thing. I never said that 
 your father had not as much sense as Billy Smith's little 
 yellow dog. All I said was, that Billy's little yellow dog 
 had more sense than your father ; that's all I ever said." 
 
 " Well, it's well you didn't say the other, I can tell you ! 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 301 
 
 WHAT IS A TARE ? 
 
 This story is told of a father who was one evening teach- 
 ing his little boy to recite his Sunday-school lesson. It 
 was from the fourteenth chapter of Matthew, wherein is 
 related ihe parable of a malicious individual who went 
 about sowing tares. 
 
 "What is a tare ? Tell me, my son, what a tare is," 
 asked the anxious parent. 
 
 " You had 'em ! " 
 
 " Johnny, what do you mean ? " asked the father, open- 
 ing his eyes rather wide. 
 
 " Why, last week, when you didn't come home for three 
 days," said Johnny, " I heard mother tell Aunt Susan that 
 you were on a tare." 
 
 Johnny was immediately sent to bed. 
 
 " Now, my little boys and girls," said a teacher, "I want 
 you to be very still — so still that you can hear a pin drop." 
 
 In a minute all was silent, when a little boy shrieked 
 out : 
 
 " Let her drop ! " 
 
 The following conversation took place the other evening 
 at a tea-table, in Bangor, Me.: 
 
 Five -year- old to its mother: "Mother, can I have a 
 cooky ? " 
 
 " No, my son." 
 
 " Mother, can I have a quarter of a cooky ? " 
 " No, my son." 
 
 " Can I have a crumb of a cooky ? " 
 "No." 
 
 " Well then, can I smell of a cooky ? " 
 
302 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 AFRAID. 
 
 A little girl remarked to her mamma on going to bed : 
 " I am not afraid of the dark." 
 No, of course you are not," replied her mamma. 
 I was a little afraid once, when I went into the pantry 
 to get a tart." 
 
 " What were you afraid of ? " * 
 I was afraid I couldn't find the tarts," 
 
 Darwin acknowledged himself sold when his little niece 
 asked him, seriously, what a cat has that no other animal 
 has. 
 
 He gave it up, after mature deliberation, and then the 
 sly little puss answered : 
 
 " Kittens." 
 
 EXAGGERATION. 
 A certain minister was given greatly to exaggeration. 
 He was an excellent divine, and ever vivid in his illustra- 
 tions. 
 
 If he ran across a small animal in his study, and did 
 not know anything of its size, it would grow upon his 
 imagination ; and a mouse would assume the proportions 
 of an elephant. 
 
 A member of his church one day complimented him on 
 his excellent sermons, but told him of his habit of exag- 
 geration. 
 
 " Well the next time you notice it, just cough slightly 
 by way of a reminder, and I'll reduce the figure," said the 
 minister. 
 
 The next Sunday he was preaching upon Sampson's 
 tying the foxes' tails, and took occasion to remark : 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 303 
 
 " My brethren, the foxes in those days were much larger 
 than the ones we now see : their tails must have been 
 twenty feet long (slight cough in the congregation) — that 
 is, according to their measurement, but according to our's 
 say fifteen feet, (slight coughing) — but in order to be cer- 
 tain we will say, ten feet." (Coughing again.) Then be- 
 coming annoyed at the member, he turned to him and said: 
 " You may cough as much as you please, but I'll not take 
 another foot off — would you have the foxes without any 
 tails at all ? " 
 
 An Irishman, who had been sick a long time, was one 
 day met by the parish priest, when the following conversa- 
 tion took place : 
 
 "Well, Pat, I am glad you have recovered. Were you 
 not afraid to meet your God ? " 
 
 " Oh, no, your reverence ; it was meetin' the other party 
 that I was afeared uv," replied Pat. 
 
 A school not twenty miles from Whitehall, N. Y., is 
 presided over by a cross - eyed teacher. A few days ago he 
 called out : "That boy that I am looking at will step out 
 on the floor." Immediately twenty - seven lads walked out 
 in front of the astonished pedagogue. 
 
 A little girl sent out to hunt eggs came back unsuccess- 
 ful, complaining that "lots of hens were standing round 
 doing nothing." 
 
 A SUDDEN CHANGE. 
 
 A youth was rushing round the corner saying : " All I 
 want in this world is to lay my hands on him ! " He pres 
 
 20 
 
304 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 ently came upon a boy that weighed about ten pounds 
 more than himself, and, rushing at him he exclaimed : 
 Did you lick my brother Ben ? " 
 
 " Yes, I did," said the boy, dropping his bundle and 
 spitting on his hands. 
 
 "Well," continued the other lad, backing slowly away, 
 he needs a lickin' once a week to teach him to be civil! " 
 
 COLD OR HOT. 
 An Irishman had a dream which taught him the danger 
 of delay. 
 
 " I dreamed," said he, "I was wid the Pope, who was as 
 great a jintleman as any one in the district, an' he axed 
 me wad I drink. Thinks I, wad a duck swim, an' seein' 
 the whisky an' the lemon an' sugar on the sideboard,-! 
 told him T didn't care if I tuk a wee dhrap of punch. 
 ^ Cowld or hot ? ' axed the Pope. ' Hot, your Holiness,' I 
 replied ; an' be that he stepped down to the kitchen for the 
 bilin' water, but before he got back I woke straight up. 
 And now it's distressin' me I didn't take it cowld." 
 
 An inebriated man, walking along the street, regarded 
 the moon with sovereign contempt. " You needn't feel so 
 proud," he said, " you are full only once a month, and I ' 
 am full every night." 
 
 " You can have no more here. You've taken too much 
 already." 
 
 " 'Xcuse me. I may've 'ad too much (hie), but I 'avn't 
 'ad enuf." 
 
 A Toledo man, on recovering from his Fourth of July 
 patriotic exertions, announces that he don't so much mind 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 305 
 
 the loss of his pocket - book and watch, but if the finder 
 will bring back his set of teeth, he'll be everlastingly 
 grateful. 
 
 DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HE GOT THAT DOG. 
 Simpson had been on a spree for some days, and was 
 trvino- to 2:et home. He was deathly sick from the effects 
 of bad whisky, and his head was swimming in a sea of 
 troubles. He could get no farther, and landed plump up 
 against a gas lamp to steady himself. Then, blind as a 
 loon, he leaned over the gutter and threw up. Bracing 
 himself up, and feeling a little better, he opened his eyes 
 and was horror - stricken at the sight that met his swimming- 
 gaze. There stood a dpg suspiciously eying the contents. 
 Too drunk to comprehend the situation, he soliloquized to 
 himself : 
 
 " Well (hie), I remember (hie) where I got the cheese 
 (hie); and I knov/ (hie) where I got the sauerkraut (hie), 
 but blam'me if I know (hie) where I got that dog (hie)." 
 Then he doubled up and fell on the pavement. Some of 
 his friends lifted him, put his battered hat on, and assisted 
 him home ; and then he remarked : 
 
 "Gentlemen (hie), where was I ? (hie.)" 
 
 "Don't you recollect ?" 
 
 "No, sir (hie). The last (hie) thing I remember (hie) is, 
 I was holding (hie) on to a gas lamp (hie); and the (hie) 
 lamp -post fell down (hie)." 
 
 A TEMPERANCE REFORMER. 
 The fondness of reformed drunkards to speak of their 
 former habits, and the applause they receive in proportion 
 to the excesses of which they have been guilty are marked 
 
303 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 features of the temperance reform. At one of these meet- 
 ings, a very unexpected finish was put by the speaker to 
 his narrative, and his audience suddenly found that he was 
 among them, but not of them. He said; 
 
 "My friends, three months ago 1 signed the pledge. 
 (Clapping of hands and loud cheers.) In a month after- 
 wards, my friends, T had a half eagle in my pocket, a thing 
 I never had before. (Clapping, and still louder cheers.) 
 In another month, my friends, I had a good coat on my 
 back, and the like I never had before. (Great applause, 
 and cries of 'go on.') A fortnight after that, my friends, 
 I bought a coffin." The audience were about to cheer 
 again, but paused and waited for an explanation. 
 
 You wonder," he continued, why I bought a coffin. 
 Well, my friends, I will tell you why. I bought the coffin 
 because I felt pretty certain that if 1 kept the pledge 
 another fortnight I shoidd vmnt one^ 
 
 The rascal was unceremoniously hustled out as an 
 enemy in disguise. 
 
 " Major, 1 see two cocktails carried to your room, every 
 morning, as if you had some one to drink with." "Yes, 
 sir; one cocktail makes me feel like another man; and, of 
 course, I'm bound to treat the other man." 
 
 Said Bob to Bill, when he caught him drinking, "I 
 thought you had signed the pledge." " So I have," said 
 Bill, "but all sigjis fail in dry weather." 
 
 Droll, though not very logical or conclusive, was the 
 reply of the tipsy Irishman, who, as he supported himself 
 by the iron railings of Marrion square, was advised by a 
 passer to betake himself home. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 807 
 
 "Ah, now, be aisy; I live in the square; isn't it going 
 round and round, and when I see my own door come up, 
 won't I pop into it in a jiffy." 
 
 A HOPELESS CASE. 
 
 A good story is told in an Eastern paper of the treatment 
 of a drunken husband by his amiable spouse. After try- 
 ing various experiments to cure his drunkenness, she at 
 last bethought herself of another plan of making a " re- 
 formed drunkard " of her husband. 
 
 She engaged a watchman, for a stipulated reward, to 
 carry " Philander" to the watch-house, while yet in a state 
 of insensibility, and to ^''frighten him a little'^'' when he 
 recovered. 
 
 In consequence of this arrangement, he was waked up 
 about eleven o'clock at night, and found himself lying on a 
 pine bench in a strange and dim apartment. Raising 
 himself up on his elbow, he looked around, until his eyes 
 rested on a man sitting by a stove, and smoking a cigar. 
 
 "Where am 1 ?" asked Philander. 
 
 " In a medical college ! " said the cigar-smoker. 
 
 "What a douuj then?" 
 
 " Going to be cut up ! " 
 
 " Cut up ! — how comes that?" 
 
 " Why, you died yesterday, while you were drunk, and 
 we have brought your body here to make a 'natomy." 
 "It's a lie!— I am'^dead!" 
 
 "No matter; we bought your carcass, any how, from 
 your wife, who had a right to sell it, for it's all the good 
 she could ever make out of you. If you're not dead, it's 
 no fault of the doctors, and they'll cut you up, dead or 
 alive. ''^ 
 
808 
 
 WIT AND HUMOll. 
 
 "You will do it, eh?" asked the old sot. 
 " To be sure we will — now — immediately was the reso- 
 lute answer. 
 
 " Wall, look o' here, can't you let us have something to 
 drink before you begin f 
 
 This last speech satisfied the watchman that the man 
 was a hopeless case ; and as his reward was contingent 
 upon his successful treatment of the patient, he was not a 
 little chagrined at the result ; so with no gentle handling, 
 he tumbled the irreformable inebriate out of the watch- 
 house. 
 
 WIFE! WIFE! 
 
 A man coming home one night rather late, a little more 
 tlian " half-seas-over," feeling thirsty, procured a glass of 
 water and drank it. In doing so he swallowed a small 
 ball of silk that lay in the bottom of tlie tumbler, the end 
 of the thread catching in his teeth. Feeling something in 
 his mouth, and not knowing what it was, he began to pull 
 at the end ; and the little ball unwinding, he soon had 
 several yards of thread in his hand, and still no end, 
 apparently. Terrified, he shouted at the top of his voice, 
 ''Wife! wife! I say, wife, come here! I am all unrav- 
 eling." 
 
 RATHER BOOSY. 
 
 A good story is told of Thompson and Rodgers, two 
 married bucks of New York, who, wandering home late 
 one night, stopped at what Thompson supposed was his 
 residence, but which his companion insisted was his own 
 house. Thompson rang the bell lustily, a window was 
 raised, and a lady inquired what was wanted. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 309 
 
 "Madame" (hie), inquired Mr. T., "Isn't this Mr. T« 
 Thompson's house?" (hie.) 
 
 "No," replied the lady, "this is the residenee of Mr. 
 Rodgers." 
 
 "Well," exelaimed Thompson, "Mrs. T-T-Thompson 
 (hie) — I beg your pardon (hie) — Mrs. Rodgers, won't you 
 just step down to the door (hie), and piek out Rodgers, for 
 Thompson wants to go home." (Hie.) 
 
 A raftsman, who had drunk a little too freely, fell from 
 the raft and was drowning, when his brother seized him by 
 the hair, but the eurrent was too strong, and the brother's 
 strength being nearly exhausted, he was about to relinquish 
 his hold, when, deploringly, the drowning one raised his 
 head above the water, and said: 
 
 "Hang on, Sam, hang on; I'll treat — I swear I will." 
 
 His words were stimulating; and the other at length 
 saved him. 
 
 NOT BIGOTED. 
 
 The following aneedote is told by the Virginia, Nev., 
 Chronicle : " Come and have a dhrink, boys," remarked a 
 well-known Bulgarian of this eity to a number of friends 
 with whom he was ehatting in front of Mallon's store this 
 morning. They all went in and ordered their drinks. 
 There was a eharming uniformity in the orders : " A 
 sehmall sup o' that whisky, .Jim," seemed to cover all the 
 requirements. As they were about to quaff, one of the 
 party suddenly called out to another, " Hello, Dougherty, 
 you drinking whisky ? Sure it was only yestherday ye 
 towld me ye was a taytotler." "Well," said Mr. Dough- 
 erty, evidently somewhat disconcerted, "you're right, 
 
310 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Mister Kelly — it's quite right ye are — I am a taytotler, 
 it's thrue, but 1 — I — I'm not a bigoted one ! " 
 
 The finest idea of a thunder storm extant was when 
 Wiggins came home tight. Now, Wiggins is a teacher, and 
 had drunk too much lemonade, or something. He came into 
 the room among his wife and daughters, and just then he 
 tumbled over the cradle and fell whop on the floor. After 
 a while he rose and said : 
 
 " Wife, are you hurt ?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Girls, are you hurt ? " 
 " No." 
 
 Terrible clap, wasn't it ?" 
 
 "A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind" — instance, 
 a tipsy fellow holding on to a lamp -post and exclaiming : 
 
 " Leave you, my dear fellow (hie), leave you when you 
 ain't able to take care of yourself ? (hie) never ! " 
 
 A NOBLE YOUTH WHO COULDN'T DmNK WINE. 
 
 There was a noble youth who, on being urged to take 
 wine at the table of a famous statesman in Washington, 
 had the moral courage to refuse. He was a poor young 
 man, just beginning the struggle of life. 
 
 " Not take a glass of wine ? " said the great statesman, 
 in wonderment and surprise. 
 
 " Not one simple glass of wine ? " echoed the states- 
 man's beautiful and fascinating wife, as she arose, glass in 
 liand, and, with a grace that would have charmed an 
 anchorite, endeavored to press it upon him. 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 311 
 
 " No," said the heroic youth, resohitely, gently repelling 
 the proffered glass. 
 
 What a picture of moral grandeur. A poor, friendless 
 youth refusing wine at the table of a famous statesman, 
 even though proffered by a beautiful lady. 
 
 " No,*' said the noble young man, and his voice trembled 
 a little and his cheek flushed. " I never drink wine, but — 
 (here he straightened himself up and his words grew 
 firmer) — if you've got a little good old rye whisky I don't 
 mind trying a snifter ! " 
 
 The following shows how those who have taken the 
 pledge, and "get thirsty," can dodge it : 
 
 " Biddy," said Mulligan to his wife, " its a bad cowld 
 you have. A drop of the craythur would do you no 
 harrum." 
 
 " Oh, honey," replied Biddy, " I've taken the pledge ; 
 but you can mix me a drink and force me to swally it ! " 
 
 A fop just returned to England from a continental tour 
 was asked how he liked the ruins of Pompeii. " Not very 
 well," was the reply, " they are so dreadfully out of repair." 
 
 A gentleman recently wrote to certain railroad officials 
 for a chance to run on the road." He was told he could 
 do so as much as he liked if he would only keep out of the 
 way of trains. 
 
 WHERE ARE YOU GOING V 
 " Where are you going, anyhow ? " asked an irate con- 
 ductor on the Central Pacific, the other day, of a " beat " 
 whom he had kicked off five or six times, but who always 
 managed to get on again just as the train started. 
 
312 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 Well," said the fellow quietly, "I'm going to Chicago, 
 if my pants hold out ; but I'm afraid I'll never get there if 
 you fellows kick me off every five minutes." 
 
 He was not disturbed again on that conductor's division. 
 
 "Why don't you limit yourself?" said a physician to an 
 intemperate person ; " set down a stake that you will go so 
 far and no farther." 
 
 " So I do," said the toper ; " but I set it so far off that I 
 always get tipsy before I get to it." 
 
 ENCOURAGING TO MORALISTS. 
 
 Just now, when it seems as if corruption had a. death- 
 clutch on every city of the land, it is good to be able to 
 say that New York has many honest men. An Ohio man, 
 feeling that he was getting drunk, entered a West street 
 saloon, a few days since, and inquired : " Is there an honest 
 man here who'd take charge of sixty -one dollars for me ?" 
 
 " Yes, sir ! " came from seventeen different men in reply, 
 and it was in a place, too, where honesty would not be 
 looked for. 
 
 " Vill you take sumdings ? " said a German teetotaler to 
 a friend, while standing near a tavern. 
 " I don't care if I do," was the reply. 
 " Veil, den, let us take a walk." 
 
 " Mus' brace up," said Sozzle, as he stood on the door- 
 step at one a. m., " '11 never do to let the old lady 'spect 
 anythin';" and as Mrs. S. descended the stairs, clad in her 
 robe de nuit^ Sozzle braced up, knocked the ashes off his 
 cigar, and as the door opened, said cheerily: " Hullo, M'ris, 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 813 
 
 (hie) up yet ? Got a match in your pocket ? " Of course, 
 she did not suspect anything. 
 
 A gentleman, seeing an Irishman staggering homeward 
 from a fair, and observing to him : 
 
 "Ah, Darby, I'm afraid you'll find the road you're going 
 is rather a longer one than you think." 
 
 "Sure, your honor," he replied, "it's not the length of 
 the road I care about, it's the breadth of it that is destroyin' 
 me," 
 
 A person who was looking at a house the other day said 
 he could not afford to pay so much rent. 
 
 " Well, look at the neighborhood," replied the woman. 
 " You can borrow flat-irons next door, cofl'ee and tea across 
 the street, flour and sugar on the corner, and there's a big 
 pile of wood, belonging to the school - house, right across 
 the alley ! " 
 
 "Death is a sad thing," remarked a Schenectady woman, 
 as she stood beside an open grave. 
 
 "Yes, poor thing," remarked another; "how he did like 
 to sit down to a good biled dinner when the pork was just 
 right." 
 
 " I wish 1 were dead," is a common exclamation with 
 the dyspeptic, and yet no man can get over a fence or crawl 
 under a barn faster when there's danger ahead. 
 
 LABORING UNDER A DELUSION. 
 Bill A., like many a smarter man, labored under the 
 delusion that he possessed a splendid voice, and "oft in the 
 •tilly night," but more frequently in broad day, he startled 
 
314 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 the echoes of the surrounding woods and hills with what he 
 called "delicious notes" of his favorite, "Annie Laurie," 
 or, in his words, " Annie Lowry." One day Bill was down 
 on the river bank, among the laurel, polishing his gun, 
 working away in utter oblivion of all the world, encourag- 
 ing himself with an occasional "snatch of song," when lie 
 was suddenly hailed from the other side of the stream with: 
 "Halloo, over there!" 
 
 " Halloo, yourself ! " answered Bill, peering through the 
 thicket, when he saw the brigade quartermaster, who 
 continued: 
 
 "Seen any mules about here ?" 
 
 "No," replied Bill; "1 don't keep your cussed mules." 
 
 " 1 suppose not," retorted the quartermaster, dryly. 
 " Only 1 heard some braying over there, and thought it 
 might be them; but I find it's only a stray jackass." The 
 officer rode off, and Bill, scratching his head for awhile, 
 observed: "Well, I 'spect Captain R. said something sharp 
 then — if a fellow could only see the p'int." 
 
 The height of pugilistic sarcasm was reached the other 
 day by Jem Mace, who, speaking of a rival, said: " What ! 
 him? He couldn't lick a postage stamp." 
 
 "How much do you charge for weighing hogs?" asked 
 a gentleman of one of our " weighmasters." 
 
 "Oh, just get on; I'll weigh you for nothing," was the 
 bland reply. 
 
 MACREADY, THE TRAGEDIAN 
 The London correspondent of the New York Times tells 
 a new and good story of Macready. The great tragedian 
 was playing Macbeth in the provinces. The actor who had 
 
WIT AND HUMOR 
 
 315 
 
 rehearsed the Messenger in the last act was found to be 
 absent when called. "Super" was sent on to speak the 
 Messenger's lines: 
 
 "As I did stand my watch upon the hill, T looked toward 
 Birnam, and anon methought the wood began to move.*" 
 
 Macbeth. " Liar and slave." 
 
 Super. " Ton my soul Mr. Macready, they told me to 
 say it." 
 
 SOLD. 
 
 " Bob, that is a fine horse you have there ; what is he 
 worth?" 
 
 "Three hundred and fifty dollars." 
 " No, not so much as that ? " 
 
 " Yes, every cent of it and another fifty on top of it." 
 " Are you sure ? " 
 "Yes, ril swear to it." 
 "All right." 
 
 " What are you so darned inquisitive for ? " 
 
 " Merely for assessing purposes. I am the assessor for 
 this ward, and only wanted to know what you rated your 
 nag at." 
 
 " Oh, I see what you're driving at. Well, for the pur- 
 pose of sale he's worth every cent of it, but for taxation 
 he's not worth more'n twenty-five dollars." 
 
 HOW HE GOT INVITED TO DINNER. 
 
 A good story is told of a couple of farmers who lived a 
 few miles apart. One day one called on the other, happen- 
 ing around at dinner time. The person called upon, by the 
 way, was a rather penurious old fellow. He sat at the table, 
 enjoying his dinner. The visitor drew to the stove, looking 
 
316 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 very wistfully toward the table, expecting the old farmer to 
 invite him to dine. The old farmer kept on eating. 
 
 " What's the news up your way, neighbor ? " Still eat- 
 ing. " No news, eh ?" 
 
 " No, I believe not." Presently a thought struck the 
 visitor, "Well, yes, friend, I did hear of one item of news 
 that's worth mentioning," 
 
 " Ha, what is it ? " 
 
 " Neighbor John has a cow that has five calves." 
 
 " Is that so ? Good gracious ! What in thunder does 
 the fifth calf do when the others are sucking ? " 
 
 ''Why, he stands and looks on, just as I do, like a dumb 
 fool." 
 
 " Mary, put on another plate." 
 
 " You come well recommended, I suppose ? " said a gentle- 
 man to a boy who wanted an easy place." 
 
 Oh, yes, sir; the man T was with last recommended me; 
 he recommended me to leave and get work more congenial 
 to my disposition." 
 
 Two feminines, driving on a plank - road, were applied 
 to for toll. " Weli,'^ says one, " how much is it ? " " For 
 a man and a horse," replied the gate - keeper, " the charge 
 is fifty cents." " Well, then, get out of the way ; we're 
 two gals and a mare. Get up, Jenny ! " And away they 
 went, leaving the man in mute astonishment. 
 
 Art received rather an awkward criticism from a free- 
 and-easy young man who recently met a sculptor in a 
 social circle, and addressed him thus: " Er — er — so you 
 are the man — er — that makes — er — mud - heads? " And 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 317 
 
 this was the artist's reply: Er — er — not all of 'em; I 
 didn't make your's." 
 
 THE BIGGEST FOOL IN NEW ORLEANS. 
 
 A letter was once received at the post - office in New 
 Orleans, directed to the biggest fool in that city. 
 
 The postmaster was absent, and on his return, one of 
 the young clerks informed him of the receipt of the letter. 
 
 " And what became of it ? " inquired the postmaster. 
 
 " Why," replied the clerk, " I didn't know who the 
 biggest fool in New Orleans was, so I opened it myself." 
 
 " And what did you find in it ? " inquired the post- 
 master. 
 
 " Find ? " replied the clerk. " Why, nothing but the 
 words, ^ Thou art the man.' " 
 
 A droll wag of a fellow, who had a wooden leg, being 
 in company with a man who was somewhat credulous, the 
 latter said : 
 
 "How came you to have a wooden leg ?" 
 
 "Why," answered the other, " my father had one, and so 
 had my grand - father before him. Tt runs in the family P 
 
 An editor, quoting Dr. Hall's advice to "eat regularly, 
 not over three times a day, and nothing between meals," 
 adds, " Tramps will do well to cut this out and put it in 
 their bank-books." 
 
 H. C. , a keen sportsman, provoked by a cockney 
 
 horseman, who had ridden over two of his hounds, could 
 not forbear swearing at him for his awkwardness. 
 
 " Sir! " said the offender, drawing up both himself and 
 
318 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 his horse, and assuming an air of offense, "I beg to inform 
 you that I did not come out here to be damned." 
 
 " Well then, sir, you may go home and be damned." 
 
 A lecturer, who was contending, at a tiresome length 
 and great tautological perplexity, that ''Art could not 
 improve Nature^'' was startled "half out of his boots" by 
 the question, in deep, sonorous voice, by one of his audi- 
 ence: 
 
 "How do you think you would look without your wigf^ 
 The question was a " poser " — the argument a " noii 
 sequitur I " 
 
 NOT A BIT ANXIOUS. 
 
 A stranger desirous of locating in San Antonia, endeav- 
 ored to purchase a residence from one of our most leading 
 citizens, but thought the price too high. 
 
 "Too high!" yelled the owner, "too high, with three 
 saloons at regular intervals on the road to church, a peach- 
 orchard with a fence easy to get over close at hand, and 
 there hasn't been a policeman seen in the neighborhood for 
 the last five years! Why, stranger, it doesn't look to me 
 like you was trying to become one of us." 
 
 According to the judgment of a New Melford man, who 
 had seven men to assist him to his feet, " The hind end of a 
 mule is much more premature than the front end." 
 
 A person was boasting that he was from a high family. 
 " Yes," said a bystander, " I have seen some of the family 
 so high that their feet could not touch the ground." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 319 
 
 DIDN'T HAVE THE BOOTS. 
 
 Many a glorious speculation has failed for the same good 
 reason that the old Texas Ranger gave when he was asked 
 why he didn't buy land when it was dog cheap. 
 
 " Well, I did come nigh onto taking eight thousand 
 acres once," said old Joe, mournfully. You see, two of 
 the boys came in one day from an Indian hunt, without any 
 shoes, and offered me their titles to the two leagues just 
 below here for a pair of boots." 
 
 " For a pair of boots ! " I cried out. 
 
 " Yes, for a pair of boots for each league." 
 
 " But why, on earth, didn't you take it? They'd be 
 worth a hundred thousand dollars to-day. Why didn't you 
 give them the boots?" 
 
 " Jest 'cause I didn't have the boots to give" said old 
 Joe, as he took another chew of tobacco, quite as contented 
 as if he owned two leagues of land. 
 
 GETTING TOO THICK. 
 
 "Where is your house?" asked a traveler in the depth 
 of one of the old "solemn wildernesses " of the Great West. 
 " House! — I ain't got no house." 
 "Well, where do you live?" 
 
 "I live in the woods — sleep on the Great Goverment 
 Purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out of 
 the Mississippi !" 
 
 And he added : 
 
 "It is getting too thick with folks about here. You're 
 
 the second man I have seen within the last month ; and I 
 
 hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down 
 
 the river. I'm going to put out into Hhe woods' again !" 
 n 
 
320 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 GOOD MORNING, JUDGE. 
 
 "When I was traveling in Massachusetts, some twenty 
 years ago," said a traveler, " I had a seat on the omnibus 
 with the driver, who, on stopping at the post-office, saluted 
 an ill-looking fellow standing upon the steps, with, 'Good 
 morning. Judge Sander ; I hope you're well, sir ! ' After 
 leaving the office, I asked the driver if the man that he 
 had just spoken to was really a judge. 'Certainly, sir,' he 
 replied; 'We had a cock fight here last week, and he was 
 made a judge on that occasion.' " 
 
 A REGULAR DEAD BEAT. 
 
 "Why, Jimmy," said one professional beggar to another, 
 " are you going to knock off already ? It's only two 
 o'clock." 
 
 " No, you mutton-head," responded the other, who was 
 engaged in unbuckling his crutch, " I'm only going to put 
 it on the other knee. You don't suppose a fellow can beg 
 all day on the same leg, do you ! " 
 
 " Yes, I want my daughter to study rhetoric," replied a 
 Vermont mother, " for she can't fry pancakes now without 
 smoking the house all up." 
 
 " If yer goin' to smoke on this oar yer'll have to get off 
 to do it," remarked a zealous conductor, recently. 
 
 " Let's see yer put me off," was the ready reply, as the 
 smoker jumped off from the car and assumed a belligerent 
 attitude. 
 
 It isn't always best to try to clear up a doubt by asking 
 questions. For instance, Jones asked a stranger if he was 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 321 
 
 the same man who had been in jail at Cherryville for steal- 
 ing chickens, but when he picked himself up and found his 
 teeth scattered around on the sidewalk, he wished the inter- 
 rogation point had never been invented. 
 
 THE SLANG OF THE DAY. 
 
 The slang of our day is a puzzle, 
 
 Invented by — ah, who can tell ? 
 A drink is a " smile," or a "guzzle," 
 
 A swindle is merely a " sell" 
 One tells you a tale you can't " swaller," 
 
 He tells you "by thunder," 'tis true; 
 You bet him your last " bottom dollar,'* 
 
 " By thunder," that's all you can do. 
 
 They ask you " How goes it?" on meeting, 
 
 "Take care of yourself," is adieu ; 
 They substitute "beating" for cheating, 
 
 And sometimes combine both the two. 
 If foolish, " your head isn't level," 
 
 Or, maybe, "your head isn't clear; " 
 Instead of saying " go to the devil," 
 
 They tell you " walk off on your ear." 
 
 To praise you they say " you are bully," 
 
 For honest they nickname you " square,'* 
 Although please to understand fully. 
 
 There's not many that way, " I swear." 
 While robbing they call "going through you," 
 
 And " go for him," means an attack. 
 When financial troubles come to you, 
 
 They say, " Oh, he's up on his back." 
 
 " Fusil oil " is the new name for whisky, 
 
 "Spondulix" cognomen for pelf, 
 "You've been there," when charged as too friskj. 
 
 Well, " You know how it is yourself." 
 
322 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 And if a proper reproof you should offer, 
 They tell you " that game is quite played/* 
 
 Say, walk off, you " big, dirty loafer," 
 Or a large " Mansard roof" will be made. 
 
 Then sometimes you're " cornered " or " euchered," 
 
 That is if you get in a " fix ; " 
 They call you "galoot" if untutored 
 
 In every galoot's knavish tricks. 
 There are " Tliat's what's the matter with Hannah," 
 
 And " dead beats " on every side, 
 If the skunks " will not alter their manners, 
 
 I don't care a " cuss," " let 'em slide.*' 
 
 WELL, HOW IS SHE NOW? 
 
 It was in the old days of stage-coaches, and one of 
 those huge lumbering vehicles was plowing its way in a 
 driving rain-storm, filled inside and outside with passen- 
 gers. Among the number of the more fortunate insiders 
 was a respectable bald-headed old gentleman, who seemed 
 to be very solicitous about a lady riding on the roof. 
 Every few minutes he popped out his head, regardless of 
 the rain, and shouted to some one above, " Well, how is 
 she now?" And the answer came, "All right." 
 
 "Is she getting wet?" inquired the old man. 
 
 " No, not much," was the reply. 
 
 " Well, can't you put something round her ? 'Twill 
 never do to have her get wet, you know." 
 
 "We've got every thing round her we can get." 
 " Haven't you got an old coat or a rag ? " 
 " No, not a rag more." 
 
 A sympathetic young man, hearing all this, and feeling 
 alarmed for the poor lady out in the storm, inquired of the 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 323 
 
 old gentleman why they didn't let her ride inside, and not 
 out on the roof. 
 
 " Bless you, there ain't room," exclaimed the old man. 
 " Not room ! Why, I'll give her my place. It's too 
 bad." 
 
 "Not at all, sir, not at all. We couldn't get her into 
 the coach anyhow." 
 
 Amazed at her prodigious dimensions, the kind young 
 man said, " Well, sir, if my coat would be of any service, 
 she may have it ;" and suiting the action to the word, he 
 took off that garment and handed it to the old gentleman. 
 
 " It's almost a pity, sir, to get your overcoat wet; but — " 
 
 " Not at all, sir — by no means. Pass it up to her." 
 
 The coat was accordingly passed up. " How'U that do 
 for her ?" asked the old gentleman. 
 
 " Tip-top ! Just the ticket ! All right now." 
 
 Thus relieved, no further anxiety was manifested about 
 the outside passenger till the coach arrived at the inn, 
 when what was the sympathetic and gallant young man's 
 surprise and indignation to find that his nice coat had been 
 wrapped around, not a fair lady of unusual proportions, 
 but a double-bass viol ! 
 
 DU TELL. 
 
 A wag was requested by an old lady to read the news- 
 paper for her. He took it up and read as follows : 
 
 " Last night, yesterday morning, about one o'clock in 
 the afternoon, before breakfast, a hungry boy, about forty 
 years old, bought a big custard for a levy, and threw it 
 through a brick wall nine feet thick, and jumping over it, 
 broke his right ankle oS abc /e his left knee, and fell into 
 a dry mill-pond and was d owned. About forty years 
 
324 
 
 WIT AKD HUMOR. 
 
 after that, on the same day, an old cat had nine turkey 
 gobblers ; a high wind blew Yankee Doodle on a frying 
 pan, and killed a sow and two dead pigs at Boston, where 
 a deaf and dumb man was talking to his Aunt Peter." 
 Whereupon the old lady, talking a long breath, exclaimed: 
 "Dutell!" 
 
 The man who sang, Oh ! breathe no more that simple 
 air," went into the smoking-car, where it was more mixed. 
 
 GOT EYEN WITH HIM. 
 
 A college professor was being rowed across a stream in 
 a boat. Said he to the boatman: "Do you understand 
 philosophy?" "No, never heard of it." "Then one- 
 quarter of your life is gone. Do you understand geology ?" 
 "No." "Then one -half of your life is gone. Do you 
 understand astronomy?" "No." "Then three-quarters 
 of your life is gone." But presently the boat tipped over 
 and spilled both into the river. Says the boatman: "Can 
 you swim ? " " No." " Then the whole of your life is 
 gone." 
 
 A would-be school-teacher, in Toledo, recently replied 
 to a question by one of the examiners, "Do you think the 
 world is round or flat?" by saying: 
 
 " Well, some people think one way and some another, 
 and I'll teach round or flat, just as the parents please." 
 
 Some Latrobe boys undertook to play base ball in a 
 field where a ram was feeding, recently. He butted the 
 short-stop through a picket ' ence and forced all the rest to 
 make a home run. The be / who was butted through the 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 325 
 
 fence was the only one scored, and he carries the score with 
 him, but he can not see it. 
 
 POTATO-BUGS. 
 
 Here is a good one on the " tatur-bugs." Three men 
 were comparing notes. One says: 
 
 " There are two bugs to every stalk." 
 
 A second one says, '^they cut down my early crop, and 
 are sitting on the fence waiting for the late crop to come 
 up." 
 
 Pshaw," says the third, "You don't know anything 
 about it. I passed a seed store the other day, and the bugs 
 were in there looking over the books to see who had pur- 
 chased seed potatoes." 
 
 THE CORN CROP A FAILURE. 
 
 Colonel Finnigan was a Florida planter, wealthy and 
 hospitable. Toward the poor he was always kind, and even 
 the shiftless he would not turn coldly away. A man who 
 had often been the object of his bounty was named Jake 
 Hartruff. Jake was a squatter in the woods, where he had 
 a log cabin and a small clearing. Upon this land he some- 
 times raised corn, and with his gun he captured game. Of 
 the game he ate the flesh, and the skins he traded for 
 whisky. Long before the Winter was over he was sure to 
 be out of corn, in which emergency he would bring his bag 
 to the colonel for a supply, which was generally furnished. 
 Once upon a time Jake came with his bag very early in the 
 season — in fact. Winter had just set in. 
 
 "Why, how's this, Jake?" demanded Finnigan. "Seems 
 to me you are rather early in your call for corn." 
 
 " Well, colonel, fact is, my crop failed this yer season." 
 
326 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 "Failed! How is that? I thought this had been an 
 uncommonly good season for corn." 
 
 " Ya'as, I s'pose it has, colonel ; but you see I forgot to 
 plant." 
 
 A traveler who had lost a dog, approaching a wood- 
 chopper by the wayside, thus accosted him: 
 
 "Mister," says he, "have you seen a yaller dog a-agoin' 
 along here, about a year, a year and a half, or two years 
 old?" 
 
 "Yes," answered the chopper, supposing the traveler 
 quizzing him — "yes, I've seen a yaller dog a-goin' along 
 here, about a year, a year and a half, or two years old. 
 'Twas about an hour, an hour and a half, or two hours ago, 
 and you'll find him about a mile, a mile and a half, or two 
 miles ahead, with a tail about an inch, an inch and a half, 
 or two inches long." 
 
 A BUG STORY. 
 
 The other evening, iti our "private crib," there was a 
 learned dissertation on the subject of "bed-bugs and their 
 remarkable tenacity of life." 
 
 One asserted of his own knowledge that they could be 
 boiled and then come to life. 
 
 Some had soaked them for hours in turpentine without 
 any fatal consequences. 
 
 Old Hanks, who liad been listening as an out-sider, here 
 gave in his experience in corroboration of the facts. 
 Says he: 
 
 " Some years ago I took a bed-bug to an iron foundry, 
 and dropped it into a ladle where the melted iron was, and 
 had it run into a skillet. 
 
 "Well, my old woman used that skillet for the last six 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 827 
 
 years, and here the other day she broke it all to smash ; 
 and what do you think, gentlemen? that 'ere insect just 
 walked out of his hole, where he'd been layin' like a frog in 
 a rock, and made tracks for his old roost up stairs. But,'^ 
 added he, by way of parenthesis, "by George, gentlemen, 
 he looked mighty pale." 
 
 A TEST OF TALENT. 
 
 A gentleman from Swampville was telling how many 
 different occupations he had attempted. Among others he 
 had tried school-teaching. 
 
 "How long did you teach?" asked a bystander. 
 
 "Wa'al, 1 didn't teach long — that is I only went to 
 teach." 
 
 "Did you hire out ?" 
 
 " Wa'al, I didn't hire out, I only went to hire out." 
 "Why did you give up?" 
 
 "Wa'al, I gave it up for some reason or nuther. You 
 see, I traveled into a deestrict and inquired for the trustees. 
 Somebody said Mr. Snickles was the man I wanted to see. 
 So I found Mr. Snickles, named my objict, interducing 
 myself, and asked what he thought about lettin' me try my 
 luck with the big boys and unruly gals in the deestrict. 
 He wanted to know if I raally considered myself capable ; 
 and I told him I wouldn't mind his asking me a few easy 
 questions in 'rithmetic and jography or showing my hand- 
 writing. He said no, never mind, he cou! . tell a good 
 teacher by his gait. 'I^et me see you walk off a little ways,' 
 says he, 'and I can tell jis's well 'sif I heard you examined,' 
 says he. He sat in the door as he spoke, and I thought 
 he looked a little skittish. But I was consid'rable frus- 
 trated, and didn't mind it much; so I turned round and 
 
 14* 
 
328 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 walked on as smart as I knew how. He said he'd tell me 
 when to stop, so I kep' on till I thought I'd gone far enough. 
 Then I s'pected suthin' was to pay, and I looked round. 
 Wa'al, the door was shet and Snickles was gone ! " 
 
 That was not a bad reply given recently at a barn-rais- 
 ing in Pennsylvania to a young man who had been relating 
 his more than wonderful exploits in various quarters of the 
 globe. At the close of one of these narratives, he was not 
 a little set back by the remark of an old cod: "Young man, 
 ain't you ashamed to talk so when there are older liars on 
 the ground." 
 
 "My son," said a venerable philosopher, "never waste 
 your time — not a momejit of it; always waste some other 
 person's." 
 
 A female applicant for aid appeared at the office of the 
 director of the poor in Detroit the other day, with a sad 
 and anxious look, and on being asked what she wanted, 
 replied, "I'd like some money." 
 
 "How much?" 
 
 " Well, I can't say, exactly. How much do you gen- 
 erally give out to a person who wants to buy a bead 
 belt?" 
 
 "Eternity, past and future, flashed before my eyes," he 
 said, "and saw where the crack of doom began and 
 ended." This was his experience the first time a base ball 
 struck him in the stomach. 
 
 A New York editor says he heard recently how a man 
 cured a neighbor newspaper-borrower. It is told thus: 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 329 
 
 " Mr. Jones, father wants to borrow your paper, he only 
 wants to read it." 
 
 *'Well, go back and ask your father to send me his 
 supper. Tell hiizi ^ only want to eat it." 
 
 The next evening the boy did not come. 
 
 When young Mr. Spitzer left home for college, he took 
 leave of his mother in this manner: "Mother, I will write 
 often and think of you constantly." When he returned 
 two years later, he remarked to the anxious parent, " Deah 
 mothaw, I gweet you once moah!" Imagine the feelings 
 of a fond mother. 
 
 A granger writes to a rural paper to ask "how long 
 cows should be milked." Why th^ same as short cows, of 
 course. 
 
 The Fat Contributor, encouraged by Mr. Greeley's suc- 
 cess, is writing about farming. He says: "A correspondent 
 asks us what we think of late plowing." 
 
 "Plowing should not be continued later than ten or 
 eleven o'clock at night. It gets the horses into the habit 
 of staying out late, and unduly exposes the plow." 
 
 A cowardly fellow having kicked a newsboy for pester- 
 ing him to buy an evening newspaper, the lad waited till 
 another boy accosted the "gentleman," and then shouted 
 in the hearing of all bystanders, " It's no use to try him, 
 Jim, he can't read." 
 
 It turns out that the Western editor who wrote to 
 Philadelphia, indignantly refusing a dead-head pass on the 
 
330 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 condition that he must have his picture taken with it, is a 
 squint-eyed man, with a hare-lip and a broken nose. 
 
 " Unless you give me aid," id a beggar to a benevo- 
 lent lady, " I am afraid I shall have to resort to something 
 which I greatly dislike to do." 
 
 The lady handed him a dollar, and compassionately 
 asked : " What is it, poor man, that I have saved you 
 from ? " 
 
 " Work," was the mournful answer. 
 
 The late well-known Daniel O'Connell once met a con- 
 ceited literary friend, and exclaimed : " T saw a capital 
 thing in your last pamphlet." 
 
 " Did you ? " eagerly replied his delighted listener ; 
 what was it ? " 
 
 "A pound of butter." 
 
 There are many recipes for getting rid of the currant 
 worm, but there is nothing so sure in its results as to 
 blindfold him and back him under a pile-driver. 
 
 AN ASPIRING TRAGEDIAN. 
 
 "I say, Higgins," said a cheeky young fellow to an 
 aspiring but yet unappreciated tragedian, " I met a rich 
 old gentleman in the city, who declared he would give 
 a hundred dollars to see you perform Hamlet." 
 
 " You don't say so ? " 
 
 " Fact, I assure you ; and what's more, I'm positively 
 sure the old chap meant it." 
 
 '''By Jove, then, it's a bargain!" Higgins cried; "I'll 
 play it for my benefit. But who is he ? " 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 331 
 
 "Ah, to be sure, I didn't tell you. Well, he's a blind 
 man." 
 
 Higgins never spoke to the wretch again. 
 
 " Now, John, suppose there's a load of hay on one side 
 of the river and a jackass on the other side, and no bridge, 
 and the river is too wide to swim, how can the jackass get 
 to the hay ? " 
 
 " I give it up." 
 
 " Well, that's just what the other jackass did." 
 
 "Are you very fond of novels, Mr. Jones ?" 
 
 "Very," responded that interrogated gentleman, who 
 wished to be thought by the lady questioner fond of litera- 
 ture. 
 
 " Have you," continued the lady, " ever read ' Ten 
 Thousand a Year?'" 
 
 " No, madam, I never read so many in all my life." 
 
 Brown, the other day, while looking at the skeleton of 
 a donkey, made a very natural quotation. "Ah," said he, 
 "we are fearfully and wonderfully made." 
 
 NOT TO BE OUTDONE. 
 
 Artemus Ward once lent money. He thus recounts the 
 transaction : "A gentlemanly friend of mine came one day 
 with tears in his eyes. I said, ' Why those weeps ? ' He 
 said he had a mortgage on his farm, and wanted to borrow 
 two hundred dollars. I lent him the money, and he went 
 away. Some time after, he returned with more tears. He 
 said he must leave me forever, I ventured to remind him 
 o 
 
332 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 of the two hundred dollars he borrowed. He was much 
 cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon him, so told 
 him I would throw off one hundred dollars. He brightened 
 up, shook my hand, and said, 'Old friend, I won't allow 
 you to outdo me in liberality ; I'll throw off the other 
 hundred.' And thus he discharged the debt." 
 
 An old rail-splitter in Indiana put the quietus upon a 
 fellow who chaffed him upon his bald head, in these words : 
 " Young man, when my head gets as soft as yours, I can 
 raise hair to sell." 
 
 A Western newspaper says : " Talk about the wind 
 blowing the grasshoppers away ! One of them faced the 
 gale the other day for an hour, and then yanked a shingle 
 off a house for a fan, saying it was awfully sultry." 
 
 "That man," said a wag, ''came to this city forty years 
 ago, purchased a basket^ and commenced gathering rags. 
 How much do you suppose he is worth now?" We gave it 
 up. "Nothing," he continued, after a pause, "and he owes 
 for the basket." 
 
 FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE POOR 
 
 A lot of minstrels went to a town not far from Boston, 
 recently, and advertised to give a performance for "the 
 benefit of the poor — tickets reduced to ten cents." The 
 hall was crammed full. The next morning a committee of 
 the poor called upon the treasurer of the concern for the 
 amount said benefit had netted. The treasurer expressed 
 astonishment at the demand. 
 
 "I thought," said the chairman of the committee, "you 
 advertised this concert for the benefit of the poor ?" 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 833 
 
 Replied the treasurer : 
 
 " Didn't we put the tickets down to ten cents, so that 
 the poor could all come ? " 
 The committee vanished. 
 
 An Illinois chap, in describing a gale of wind, says . 
 "A white dog, while attempting to weather the gale, was 
 caught with his mouth open, and turned completely inside 
 out." 
 
 Honesty is the best policy, unless you can get about one 
 hundred thousand dollars, and effect a settlement at fifty 
 per cent. 
 
 Honor thy father and mother, particularly about circus 
 time, when you don't know where to raise a quarter. 
 
 GOOD MOENING. 
 
 " Madam," he said, " you see before you a blighted 
 fellow-creature ! I ain't a tramp, marm, I ain't ! I have 
 had my little store of wealth laid away for these rainy days, 
 but, ah ! marm, a relative and speculation brought me to 
 this sad state in which you see me ! I was long on rail- 
 road stock, marm, and — eh ? Wood ? Me ? Me saw that 
 wood ? Madam, I feel that you can not realize my situa- 
 tion ! Good morning ! " 
 
 THE KURNEL'S ROOM. 
 
 HOW 'SQUIKE SKAGGS GOT SKINNED BY THE " PHARAOH MEN." 
 
 " You see," said the 'squire, pitching his voice to an 
 exegetical altitude, " it wuz sorter this way. Last Chues- 
 day was a week ago, I sailed down from Gwinnett to 
 Atlanty with seven bags of cotton. Arter I sold 'em, I 
 
334 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 kinder loafed roun', lookin' at things in general, an' feelin' 
 jest as bappy as you please, when who should I run agin 
 but Kurnel Blasengame. Me an' the kurnel used to be 
 boys together, an' we wuz as thick as five kittens in a rag 
 basket. We drunk outen the same goad, an' we got .the 
 lint snatched outen us by the same bandy-legged school- 
 teacher. I wuz gitten as lonesome as a rain-crow, afore I 
 struck up with the kurnel, an' I wuz glad to see him — 
 durned glad. We knocked aroun' town right smartually, 
 an' the kurnel interjuced me to a whole raft of fellers — 
 mighty nice boys they wuz, too. Arter supper, the kurnel 
 says : 
 
 "'Skaggs,' says he, 'les' go to my room whar we kin 
 talk over old times sorter comfortable an' ondisturbed 
 like.' 
 
 ""Greeable,' says I, an' we walked a square or so an' 
 turned into an alley, an' walked up a narrer par of stars. 
 The kurnel gin a little rap at a green door, an a slick- 
 lookin' merlatter popped out an' axed us in. He was the 
 perlitest nigger you ever seen. He jest got up an' spun 
 aroun' like a torn cat with his tail afire. The room wuz as 
 fine as a fiddle an' full of pictures an' sofys, an' the cheers 
 wuz as soft as lam's wool, an' I thought to meself that the 
 kurnel wuz a lugsuriant cuss. Thar wuz a lot of mighty 
 nice fellers scattered roun' a-laffin' an' a-talkin' quite sosha- 
 bel like. Aperient, the kurnel wuzent much sot back, for 
 he sorter lafFed to himself, an' then he says : 
 
 " ' Boys,' says he, ' I hev fetched up a fren'. Jedge 
 Hightower, this is 'Squire Skaggs, of Gwinnett. Major 
 Briggs, 'Squire Skaggs,' an' so on all roun'. Then the kur- 
 nel turns to me an' says : 
 
 ^''Really, I wuzn't expectin' company, Skaggs, but the 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 members of the Young Men's Christun 'Sosashun make m^ 
 room their headquarters.' 
 
 " 1 ups an' says I was mighty glad to meet the boys. I 
 used to be a Premativ' Baptis' myself afore I got to cusin' 
 the Yankees, an' I hev always had a sorter hankerin' arter 
 pious folks. They all laffed an' shuk ban's over agin, an' 
 we sot thar a-smokin' an' a-chawin' jest as muchuel as you 
 please. I disremember how it come up, but presently 
 Major Briggs gits up an' says : 
 
 " ' Kurnel, what about that new parlor game you got out 
 the other day ? ' 
 
 "'Oh,' says the kurnel, lookin' sorter sheepish, Hhat 
 wuz a humbug. I can't make no head nor tail outen it.' 
 
 " ' I'll bet I kin manage it,' says Jedge Hightower, quite 
 animated like. 
 
 "Til show you how, Jedge, with pleasure,' says the 
 Kurnel, an' then he went to the table, unlocked a box, an' 
 tuck a deck of keerds an' a whole lot of little what-you- 
 may-callems, similarly to horn buttons, some white an' 
 some red." 
 
 'Squire Skaggs paused and supplied his tireless jaws with 
 a fresh quid of tobacco. 
 
 "It ain't no use to tell you any more. When them fel- 
 lers got done larnin' me that game I didn't have money 
 enough to take me down stars. I say, I looked a leetle 
 wild, for when the Jedge closed the box he said : 
 
 "'We hev had a pleasant evenin', 'Squire. You'll find 
 the Kurnel waitin' for you on the steps, an' he'll give you 
 your money back.' 
 
 "I ain't never laid eyes on the Kurnel sence, an' when I 
 do thar's goin' to be a case for the Kurriner — ^you mind my 
 words. I seed Rufe Lester next day — you know Rufe ; 
 
 22 
 
336 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 he's in the Legislatur now, but I used to give him pop-corn 
 when he wuzn't so high — I seed Rufe an' he sed I wuz 
 tuck in by the Pharaoh men. Tuck in ain't no name for it. 
 Derned ef I didn't go to the bottom an' git skinned alive." 
 
 SCRAPS OF AUCTION WIT. 
 
 It is rarely that even that intrepid class of men, short- 
 hand writers, undertake to jot down an auctioneer's run of 
 words — especially one so witty as was the late John Keese. 
 Somebody, however, appears to have performed this feat, 
 and has rendered the readers of Harper the peculiar favor 
 of serving up a few samples of Keese's inimitable spirit 
 when under the inspiration of "the hammer:*' 
 
 " N'alf, n'alf, n'alf, three, do I have ? three, three; quar- 
 ter, did you say ? Never let me hear an Irishman cry 
 quarter. N'alf, n'alf ; knocked down to Maguire at three 
 dollars and a half. Now, gentlemen, give me a bid for 
 ' Byron's Works,' London edition, full of illustrations. 
 Two dollars, two, two ; an eighth, eighth, eighth ; quarter, 
 quarter, quarter — the man that deliberates is lost. Moffat, 
 at two dollars and a quarter. The next thing, gentlemen, 
 is 'The Four Last Things, by Dr. Bates.' Fifty cents, 
 fifty — ' What are they ? ' Bid away, gentlemen, the book'll 
 tell you exactly what they are ; five-eighths, five-eighths ; 
 five and six, five and six. Chase has it, at five and six. 
 ^ Stop ! that^s my bicV Too late, sir, all booked to Chase ; 
 had such a confounded short name, got it right down. 
 Start, if you please, gentlemen, on ' Protestant Discussions, 
 by Dr. Cummings,' an original D. D. — none of your modern 
 fiddle-dee-dees : three-quarters, quarters ; seven-eighths ; 
 do I have seven-eighths ? — yes, it is all complete ; a perfect 
 book, gentlemen; wants nothing but a reader. Dollar; dol- 
 
TTIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 837 
 
 lar, n'eighth, n'eighth. Black has it, at one and one-eighth. 
 Now, gentlemen, I offer you a superb ' Prayer Book,' Apple- 
 ton's edition, best morocco, gilt all over, like the sinner ; 
 three-quarters, three-quarters, quarters, quarters — look at 
 it, gentlemen. Here, sir, let me show it up to this goodly 
 company; you've looked at it many a time with more care 
 than profit; seven-eighths; dollar, n'eighth; quarter, quar- 
 ter — large print, gentlemen ; good for those whose eyes are 
 weak and whose faith is strong ; remember your grand- 
 mothers, gentlemen — three-eighths, three-eighths. Brown 
 has it at one and three-eighths. Now, gentlemen, I come 
 to a line of splendid illustrated English books. Be so kind 
 as to bid for 'Finden's Beauties of Moore,' cloth extra, full 
 of superb illustrations, and I've how much bid for this? 
 Start, if you please; go on. Two dollars; and a half, n'alf, 
 n'alf; three, three; n'alf, n'alf; four, four, four. 
 
 " These are all English books, printed in England, bound 
 in England, sacrificed in America; and I have only four 
 dollars for this superb book — quarter, quarter, quarter, and 
 this goes to the great Maguire (at that time Kossuth was 
 being called the great Magyar), at four dollars and a quar- 
 ter. 'The Gems of Beauty' is the next book, gentlemen. 
 This is a glowing book, beautiful as Yenus, and bound by 
 Vulcan in his best days, red morocco, well read outside, 
 gentlemen, and what do I hear for it ? Fifty cents — horri- 
 ble! Two dollars, by some gentleman whose feelings are 
 outraged ; quarter, quarter ; half, shall I say? Cash has it, 
 at two dollars and a half. Now, gentlemen, for the 'Philo- 
 sophical Works of John Locke,' best edition, opened by 
 John Keese; start if you please — go on. Dollar; n'alf, 
 n'alf; three-quarters. ^ Bound in muslin Yes, sir; 
 don't you respect the cloth? Seven-eighths, seven-eighths; 
 
338 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 two, two, two, two; quarter, quarter — brought three dollars 
 the other day. 'iVo, it didii'tl ' Well, one just like it did. 
 Moffat takes it, at two dollars and a quarter. Now, for a 
 beautiful annual, gentlemen, 'The Ladies' Diadem,' splen- 
 did steel engravings, and no date, may be 1855, 6, 7, or 8. 
 Can't tell; they publish them so much in advance nowadays. 
 What do I hear? seventy-five, seventy-five; new book, pub- 
 lished in England; dollar, dollar; eighth, do I hear? eighth; 
 quarter; three-eighths, three-eighths — down. What's the 
 name ? whose bid was that ? Well, just as you please : 
 quarter, quarter — that's your bid, sir; 'gainst you out there; 
 three-eighths, that's yours, sir; what's the name? ^Pll take 
 it; you seem to he very anxious to sell it,'' No, sir, I'm not 
 on the anxious bench; those are the anxious seats where 
 you are. I take a decided stand on that; I face the whole 
 congregation. Go on, if you please. The next book, 
 ' Kirke White's Remains,' London edition, with splendid 
 portrait, taken from some old daguerreotype; dollar, dollar, 
 dollar, and down it goes. Who'll have it ? Well, start it, 
 gentlemen. What do I hear ? Seventy-five cents; seven- 
 eighths, seven-eighths; dollar by all the house; n'eighth, 
 n'eighth. Cash has it, at a dollar and one-eighth; horrible! 
 I've been the high priest of many a sacrifice. Now, gen- 
 tlemen, who wants 'Ross' Last Expedition;' went to the 
 poles, and, no doubt, voted twice. Start, if you please — go 
 on ; dollar, did you say ? quarter, quarter, quarter ; bidder 
 here, half, half" — and so on through the catalogue. 
 
 " I can not imagine," said 'Squire B., " why my whiskers 
 should turn gray so much sooner than the hair of my head." 
 
 " Because," observed a wag, 'iyou have worked so much 
 more with your jaws than your brains." 
 
WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 839 
 
 A GOOD RETORT. 
 
 It was a good retort of the loiig-eared Irishman who, 
 being banteringly asked : " Paddy, why don't you get your 
 ears cropped ? They are too large for a man ! " replied : 
 
 " And yours are too small for an ass." 
 
 PROPAGANDA SOCIETY. 
 
 " My lord ! " said a disappointed aspirant for holy orders, 
 who was rejected for his ignorance, ''there is no imputa- 
 tion upon my moral character. I have a due sense of 
 religion, and I am a member of the Propaganda Society." 
 
 " That I can easily believe," replied the bishop, for 
 you are a proper goosed 
 
 " Sit down ! " said a nervous old gentleman to his son^ 
 who was making too much noise. 
 
 "I won't do it," was the impudent answer. 
 " Well, then, stand up. I will be obeyed ! " 
 
 "You sot of a fellow ! " exclaimed a poor woman to her 
 husband ; "you are always in the saloons, getting drunk 
 with hot punch, v/hile I am at home with nothing to drink 
 but cold water." 
 
 " Cold, you silly jade ?" hiccoughed her husband ; " why 
 don't you warm it ? " 
 
 PHILANTHROPY. 
 
 " I fear," said a country minister to his congregation, 
 " when I explained to you in my last charity sermon that 
 philanthropy was the love of our species, that you must 
 hu»ve understood me to say specie^ which may account for 
 
340 
 
 WIT AND HUMOR. 
 
 the smallness of the collection. You will prove, I hope, by 
 your present contributions, that you are no longer laboring 
 under the same mistake." 
 
 A CONSOLATION. 
 
 An inveterate drinker, on being told that the cholera 
 with which he was attacked was incurable, and tliat he 
 would soon go to a world of pure spirits, replied : 
 
 Well, that's a comfort at all events, for it's very diffi- 
 cult to get any in this world." 
 
 An empty-headed coxcomb, having engrossed the atten- 
 tion of some ladies and gentlemen with his petty ailments, 
 observed to the celebrated Dr. Parr that he could never go 
 out without catching cold in his head. 
 
 " No wonder," said the doctor, pettishly ; " you always 
 go out without anything in it." 
 
 THOUGHT SHE HAD IT WITH HER. 
 
 When Mrs. McGibbon was preparing to act "Jane 
 Shore" at Liverpool, her dresser, an ignorant country girl, 
 informed her that a woman had called to request two box 
 orders, because she and her daughter had walked four 
 miles on purpose to see the play. 
 
 " Does she know me ? " inquired the actress. 
 
 " Not at all," was the reply. 
 
 " What a very odd request ! " exclaimed Mrs. McG. 
 " Has the good woman got her faculties about her ? " 
 
 " I think she have, ma'am, for I see she ha' got summut 
 tied up in a red silk handkercher." 
 
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 Wheeler, D. D. With introduction by Prof. W. C Sawyer' 
 Ph. D. i2mo, cloth, ^1.25. ' ' 
 
 The simplest, clearest and most complete statement of the relations 
 of China and the Chinese to Western civilization to be found in the 
 English tongue. Ready in Sept., 1881. 
 
 WINCHELL-PREADAMITES: or, A Demonstration of 
 
 the Existence of Men before Adam ; together with a Study of their 
 Condition, Antiquity, Racial Affinities, and Progressive Dispersion 
 over the Earth. With Charts and other Illustrations. By Alexander 
 WiNCHELL, LL. D., Prof, of Geology and Palceontology in the Uni- 
 versity of Michigan ; Author of Sketches of Creation," etc. 8vo 
 cloth, ^3.50. 
 
 "A remarkable and powerful contribution to the reconciliation of the Bible and 
 modern science." — Literary World, Boston. 
 
 "One of the most noteworthy contributions to an important branch of the great 
 controversy of our day that has been given to the world in either hemisphere."— 
 Montreal Gazette. 
 
 *' The work is popular in its best sense— attractive in style, clear in exposition, 
 and eminently instructive. . . It is not too much to say that it settles the con' 
 troversy." — Popular Science Monthly. 
 
 *' It is not too much to say th'-^t there is no single work in our language which 
 brings together so much of the latest investigations concerning the tribes of men 
 inhabiting our planet, and their distribution over the continents."— 77^^ American 
 Naturalist. 
 
 WINCHELL -SPARKS FROM A GEOLOGIST'S HAM- 
 MER. By Alexander Winchell, LL. D„ Professor of Geology 
 and PaLxontology in the University of Michigan, Author of " Pre- 
 Adamites," " Sketches of Creation," etc. Illustrated. i2mo, cloth, $2. 
 
 A progressive series of papers adapted to convey to the general 
 reader, in attractive style^ the fullest and latest results of scientific 
 investigation with reference to the history of our planet. Ready 
 in October, 188 1.