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 THE 
 
 LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 VOL. I.
 
 THE 
 
 LORD OF THE MANOR; 
 
 OS, 
 
 LIGHTS AND SHADES OF COUNTEY LIFE. 
 
 By THOMAS HALL, Esq. 
 
 AUTHOK OF "KABY RATTLER," "ROLAND BRADSHAW," kc 
 
 IN TWO VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON: 
 WILLIAM vSHOBERL, PUBLISLIER, 
 
 20, GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. " 
 MDCCCXLIX.
 
 CEORGE M'COB.Qt'ODAI.E A.ND CO., 1 lUNTERS.
 
 r^2 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 -4 
 
 CD 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 ^ 
 
 LO As to which requires the greatest demand upon the 
 c^J faculty called invention ; History, Biography, or Fiction, 
 g we shall not presume to determine: though as the first 
 S is often remote, and the second so nearly allied to the 
 privacy, privation, and the struggles of genius, ever to 
 ^ be very communicative, we are of opinion that fiction 
 i^ needs the least of all. 
 
 . Fiction, then, seems to be only a modest way of intro- 
 
 ducing truth : a sly means of gaining it a reception ; for, 
 of "all inductive writing, none of the theories is so much 
 indebted to skill and contrivance to gain it a lurking- 
 place in the temple of knowledge, as this hazardous 
 commodity — truth . 
 ^ It will probably be seen that we have had to en- 
 G\ counter some of its difficulties in the following sheets; 
 ■^ but still, in a moment of temerity, we resolved not to 
 ^ manifest them further than by a mere change of scene, 
 ^ date, and a few names — the rest being Truth in his naked, 
 ^N^nd so of course, in his least pleasing form — his opposite 
 >j2 character gaining a readier welcome, and inducing more 
 4 sincere pleasure if his attire be august enough, his im- 
 02 pudence modest enough, and the rattle of his pocket-coins 
 
 ' be equal to the patented merit found in his note-case. 
 ^ At all events, the reader will have a better chance of
 
 2 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 detecting the black face of Mr. Fib in a tale only em- 
 bracing some few years' time before his commencing its 
 perusal, than he is likely to do about the acts (historical) 
 of worthies who figured before chronology got into the 
 right method of counting up his sand-glasses, printing 
 had been invented — or the hero : and then writing 
 biography, telling the pedigree of a man — of genius — 
 who could never well determine in what parish he was 
 born, and if he could, and also had the merit of knowing 
 his parents, used alike caution to forget the first, as not 
 to name the other. 
 
 So that Fiction after all, is only like an algebraical 
 equation; using the unknown quantity as if it Avere 
 known : calling Fiction x, and working away until truth 
 bursts out like the sun in dog-days — when least expected, 
 but nevertheless in a way which leaves no doubt that 
 it is the sun, and that too in very verity, yes and indeed. 
 
 Now, two of the principal characters in this book — 
 thouo'h neither of them the " Lord of the Manor" — are 
 William Kent and John Stratford, and so we shall not 
 apologize for going a little into detail as to their births, 
 educations, and personal appearances; and, presuming 
 upon our judgment as to which will be the most con- 
 venient for the reader, we will start with the latter 
 gentleman — Jacky Stratford. Not that we mean to say 
 that even that is the correct name of our second hero: 
 it is the name which was given to him by his mother, 
 but not by his sponsors in baptism. And the mistake, 
 it would seem, was this — we mean now in the law, in 
 that respect — that, though his father's name was Sir 
 Tatton Stratford, and his mother called herself Mrs. 
 Stratford, even for two or three months before Jacky's 
 birth, and eighteen months after; yet, as her only right 
 for such variation from her maiden name — which was 
 O'Flaharty — was through the honour just hinted at,
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 3 
 
 at was deemed advisable, by all Miss O'Flaharty's friends, 
 to give into the vulgar custom in these cases, of calling 
 the darling after the name of her own forefathers, instead 
 of the " contimptible mushroom ancistry of Sir Tatton." 
 
 This the lady did whilst breathing the country air, 
 but, so soon as she removed to London, she took to the 
 airs of that place : called herself " a rale lady ; of tinder 
 edication and good raring: and though an Irish lady by 
 birth, she was nothing more, as she was not only of 
 English descindince, but had never been in Ireland in 
 her life only for the purposes of being born there, and 
 the tinder raring mentioned." 
 
 Our first knowledge, then, of Lady Stratford (in pri- 
 vate, and Mrs. Stratford in public) was in London. Her 
 little son was, of course, called Master John Stratford ; 
 but though he has never shown a desire to change his 
 patronymic, his august mother seemed to have no such 
 predilection for the name; for, as we have just hinted, she 
 only retained it eighteen months after our hero's birth. 
 
 And we are happy to say that this change of name 
 was not through death: or, indeed, of any complaint 
 likely to lead to so unhappy a result. No ; these it would 
 seem were the causes, or rather, we may say, infamous 
 conspiracies that effected it. 
 
 Sir Tatton Stratford had been a o-ood deal bothered in 
 consequence of police reporters and other meddling people 
 who had occasionally to acquaint the world of the move- 
 ments of Lady Stratford; they always calling her — "that 
 injured vdfe of S — r T n S d," &c. &c. 
 
 And as Lady Stratford was very often before the 
 public — through a friendly feeling to gin-shops and an 
 unfriendly one to the police — Sir Tatton was advised to 
 turn the allowance he made her into the hands of, at 
 least, better managing trustees. 
 . For this purpose, he caused his agent, in London, to
 
 4 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 give a small hint, of this nature, to a cast-off groom of 
 his, a countryman of the lady's, that she had not only a 
 pound a-week, but that if he succeeded in changing her 
 name and abode, he should have an additional five 
 shillings per week, and also the interesting son of the 
 knight. 
 
 The groom said, of course, the last part of the offer 
 mended the first part a good deal: still, if it would be 
 of any use to his late employer, and present adviser, he 
 might keep the child. " Although," continued he, " I 
 could get two bob on cold days, and six pence when fine, 
 to lend him out to beg. But, however," mused Mr. 
 Brady, for that was the gintleman's name, " as I've 
 none hov me own, why he'll be something to begin 
 housekeeping with, any how." 
 
 The bargain was struck; the wedding knocked up, 
 and the bride knocked down — the morning bat one 
 after; and so was the husband, in return, for pinching 
 Jacky's ears; which Jacky's new papa did, because the 
 late lady of Sir Tatton said she preferred the rale papa 
 of Jacky to the one that was now trying to teach Jacky 
 how to call himself papa — and Sir Tatton behind his 
 back. So much for the pedigree of Master John O'Fla- 
 harty Stratford Brady. And now, as the dramatists say, 
 a lapse of years must take place ; that is, we jump from 
 the eighteen months of Mrs. Brady's son, to the time 
 when he was pronounced to be a dozen years old, with a 
 slight retrospect as to his education, rearing, and the rest. 
 
 The first part of John's educational course was to 
 nurse a little sister who was three years younger than 
 himself; then, a brother, a year younger than that again; 
 and the care of twins shortly after that; but, in the lat- 
 ter case, it must be confessed he had assistance from his 
 beloved mother, that is, she helped him off with half 
 his burden, and that not for a time or so, but for ever.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 5 
 
 And this, though she did it expeditiously, was not by 
 any means in a novel way, being merely the overlaying 
 one of the neio strangers. No one accused her of doing 
 it on purpose; far from it. No, the fault lay with Sir 
 Tatton Stratford's agent, who had that day been paying 
 Mrs. Brady's quarterly allowance; Mrs. Brady had to 
 take a few extra quarterns of gin in consequence; and 
 of course, the reader has seen the consequences of that 
 again. Nor, amidst this sound course of education, were 
 the accomplishments disallowed to our youthful disciple, 
 Jacky. 
 
 No; those of the town embraced a knowledge of the 
 imitation of birds, cats, old-clothes men : chalk-draw- 
 ings of Newgate martyrs ; street-preaching, chanting; 
 whistling double, still-vaulting, single-stepping, boxing, 
 and music. Those of the road were the driving* of a 
 dog-cart and pair, belonging to a neighbouring knacker. 
 Wheeling a barrow for a green-grocer woman ; and his 
 most rustic accomplishment was shooting for cakes with 
 a double-barrelled nut-s^un. 
 
 And so famous was Jacky at this sport, that he was 
 retained by one of the principal cake-stall proprietors as 
 a decoy to little boys for twenty miles round London. 
 In this traffic, too, his knowledge of the whip — that is, 
 the dog-whip, was of extreme use to the said itinerant 
 confectioner; as the cart Jacky drove was invariably 
 ahead of all the other cake-vehicles. 
 
 When the fair season was out, Jacky turned his atten- 
 tions to another business, which was the Irish trade. 
 
 We do not mean, when that trade signified a know- 
 ledge of, and dealing in butters, bacons, herrings, and the 
 like ; but when it merged and sank into that of begging. 
 
 The green-grocer woman, just spoken of, perceived that 
 Jacky had embraced this last profession rather too late 
 in life ever to obtain celebracy ; though, from his industry,
 
 6 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 he might be able to get plenty of white bread and beef 
 steaks to it; still, she contended that it was a business 
 whose study required the pupil's commencement as early 
 as a quarter of a year old : to have served his time, had 
 experience as a journeyman, and to be in business on his 
 own account at the very time of life Jacky was com- 
 mencing it, viz., eight; all of which advantages he would 
 undoubtedly have secured, had he been educated in his 
 mother s land. 
 
 Under these considerations, she took him into her 
 establishment, that is to watch her stall: and it was at 
 this time Jacky acquired his knowledge and power over 
 that useful instrument — the barrow. 
 
 Jacky's education and accomplishments may here be 
 said to be complete ; so the old lady, for her own amuse- 
 ment, and to beguile slack days, we do not mean of trade, 
 but of gossip — taught Jacky the elements of reading, 
 with a thorough knowledge of stops — hard ivords: also, 
 writing without spelling. Jacky's elocution was natu- 
 rally very fine; though some of the severer men have 
 quibbled with his pronunciation; his incapacity to dis- 
 criminate the long from the short syllables, though 
 never his knowledge of vacation from the long hours 
 when fulfilling his duties at the barrow. 
 
 Things, on the whole, went well at the green-grocery 
 manufactory, and would, perhaps, have gone on still 
 better but for the proprietress' grandson occasionally 
 coming to visit the establishment, and soon, to the w^atch- 
 ful eyes of the old lady, a fact revealed itself, that these 
 visits were incentive to great acts of unindustry and in- 
 cipient insubordination on the part of her workman Mr. 
 Stratford. For Jacky, instead of trimming, and making 
 a good window, as drapers call it, regulating carrots, 
 making effective bunches of turnips, and so on, was ever 
 making the little grandson bend down his head, whilst he
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. f. 
 
 himself jumped over it, and then in return, the other must 
 reverse the comphment. And though this fair-haired 
 grandchild was one of the mildest and quietest boys in 
 Westminster, yet it is astonishing what cranky tricks 
 Master Stratford taught his pupil. Boxing, quarrelling, 
 swimming, some of the ruder accomplishments he could 
 not teach him; but in the gentler relaxations^ he was 
 considered to be wonderfully happy in his studies. 
 
 Now, the old lady was called Mrs. Kent; and the 
 grandson, William Kent; and the description of the young 
 gentleman will form a part of our labours by and by. 
 
 Master Stratford is now fourteen years of age, and 
 being anxious to obtain more honourable employment 
 than that which had been respectively dealt out to him 
 by the confectioner or veterinary surgeon — he who kept 
 the dog-chariot; and lastly, the good Mrs. Kent -.-he 
 read — that is, Willy Kent did for him — all the " wants " 
 in all the newspapers that the young gentleman had access 
 to; and, at last, there was one which suited him, if it so 
 turned out that he suited it, when he got on his livery. 
 
 Thus it ran: — 
 
 " Wanted, an active youth — will have to wear livery, must be engaging 
 to children — in the family of which are six under twelve; he must have 
 had an excellent education — if he can speak French, the better: he must 
 be of the most respectable habits, and will be expected to have a two- 
 years' character; of happy manners, and if handsome, it will be preferred, 
 as he will have to attend chiefly on ladies. Two suits of livery a year : 
 wages, good. Apply to Dr. Benzoni, 29, Northumberland street, &c. 
 &c. &c., the celebrated restorer of all the functional powers, &c. &c. &c." 
 
 " That's the thing — I'll fit it you'll see — It's ?ifit with- 
 out any soap in yer mouth to make froth with, and hact 
 your teeth^ — don't yer think so. Mister William Kent? 
 Yer must come and take tea with me. Don't look sad, 
 I'll come once't a week to give a millin' to any of the 
 coves as vexes you. Yer sure it says, ' if handsome, it 
 will be a chalk better?'"
 
 8 THE LOKI) OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " O, quite sure, Johnny ; but why leave poor grand- 
 ma? She'll have nobody to look after her accounts, and 
 see that no one puts upon her; she's getting older." 
 
 " O, I kon balance her accounts after I have done the 
 same thing in the affections of Dr. Benzoni," 
 
 " ^An excellent education,' you know? ' 
 
 " I do : ^ speak foreign-^part talk, and be rummy with 
 the young physics?' Yes, I know: and be ^ handsome/ 
 As to the lingo, I'll tip 'em some negro — ^ yaugh, yaugh:' 
 I'll set the kids to pitching into each other's stummacks, 
 and then threaten to tell papa. That ere's the way to 
 engage them. Bring a friend or two to tea and turn-out, 
 arter supper. That ere mention of the beauty pleases 
 me the best though!" 
 
 " Well! Johnny Stratford, I never thought you vain 
 before: I have heard many say that you were a good- 
 enough looking boy, and that you would have been more 
 so, if you had been better care taken of in — but I thought, 
 John, you had more sense than to be vain." 
 
 "Why, so I have, but they aint, it looks rather: now 
 depend upon it, they thinks this will be a good plan for 
 training up — under their own idears, a son-in-law for one 
 of the young ladies as is under twelve — sure to be one 
 ffal amonorst them. Wants a affectionative husband for 
 her. However, I'll about this slap : git the knacker and 
 the old lady to make out a two-year charac-ter amongst 
 them: you write it, Willy; pitch it as tight as wax: tell 
 how many I've wopped — nay, why d'ye look? Don't they 
 wish me to be of engaging manners? Well then, that'U 
 show 'em as I can protect these jewvenhile young ladies 
 and gentlemen of both sexes, when a walkin' out, from 
 being mollussed or sludged : get a charac-ter wrote, and 
 I'll make my late employers sign it."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 9 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 As Master Stratford has talked a good deal about his 
 beauty, and as we have done the same, though not just 
 in the same way, about his rearing and the rest, we think 
 it but fair to afford him a slight external sketch. 
 
 Jacky, then, was by no means ill-looking; nay, in the 
 absence of the blue-eyed William Kent, he was pro- 
 nounced a very dashing, likely fellow. But when* the 
 silken-haired, fair-faced, fine-browed — though slightly 
 waved with blue veins — blue-eyed Billy Kent came — 
 then farewell the beauty of Mr. Stratford. The reader 
 will see, in our description, that we are throwing one 
 stone at two birds — well, be it so: if we can dispose of 
 the portraits of both our minor heroes at once, he must 
 admit the plan to be convenient, at all events — whether 
 very faithful or not. No, but in the absence of the young 
 gentleman who is to write the character, J ohn would do. 
 
 He was inclining to be tall, round, and tolerably open- 
 faced — we don't say so because it was slightly small-pocked 
 — but in the usual parlance. It was square ; nose not so 
 singularly the reverse of aquiline as the negro's, yet it 
 must be confessed it was rather snubbish. Good black 
 hair, and plenty of it — on the eye-brows, and pretty well 
 above, only it was rather soddish, and did not at all come 
 under the arrangement which would permit even the 
 " Hue-and cry" to call it raven-tressial. The teeth were 
 very white, and filled the mouth very well, only there
 
 10 THE LORD or THE MANOR. 
 
 appeared to have been some scrambling for places; and 
 like other crowded assemblages, if you cannot get a front 
 view, you must cram in edge-ways. However, as Jacky 
 used to philosophize, they were good enough to eat with, 
 and to show to a dog; he hoped they would never be 
 such as to uniip to a friend. Jacky learned this mode 
 of conveying his sentiments from a minor theatre in the 
 neighbourhood. His limbs were loose, and so nimble 
 was this son of Miss O'Flaharty, that most of his friends 
 said that, had he only been a monkey instead of a 
 Christian, he would have frightened the squirrels; as it 
 was, he was the terror of all the penny circuses — in a 
 still-vaulting sense. 
 
 Well, w^e think we have done now with Jacky. But 
 the other little bird at whom we talked about throwing 
 stones — ^figuratively, same as turning them into bread, 
 and so on; — but, though we have adventured so hard- 
 hearted an expression, we are sure none of our readers 
 will, when they have seen a little more of him : — of him, 
 then, we must say, that once seen, difficult would be 
 the task to remove the sentence which the eyes, like the 
 daguerrotype, had placed upon the tablet of your brain. 
 No, he was a fair, simple, open-eyed child; innocent, yet 
 with such startling wisdom that the aged paused, and 
 the young — even when he was very young, blessed his 
 little lips, and his eyes that, like stars, were made in 
 Heaven. His face was almost perfect: his forehead a 
 little too wide, and, as we have said, too delicately marked. 
 His hair flaxen and faultless, though, for strength of body, 
 perhaps a little too strongly set — as thick crops impoverish 
 the soil. His hands were perfect, but still they were 
 what mothers call delicate: his whole figure the same, 
 and of which, still mothers would say the same. 
 
 His attainments, for his age, were accounted prodigious, 
 though the schools in which he was reared, had none of
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. II 
 
 the reputations that would induce the selection of an 
 aristocrat, when placing his scion out to become learned. 
 
 Now he was mild, retiring, affectionate ; a peace-maker, 
 and learned. Jacky, excepting the " affectionate" — then 
 we believe it was only for poor Mrs. Kent and her grand- 
 son — was the very antithesis of all these. 
 
 And yet, and beyond a doubt, the most intense friend- 
 ship existed between the boys. 
 
 As w^e shall see. 
 
 "I doubt," commenced Master Kent, when he saw 
 Jacky furbished up in order to apply for the place, " I 
 very much fear that you will never answer the description 
 — ^ well educated and French, and — ' " 
 
 ^' Poh ! when a dog hunts high, he's said to be up to 
 snuff; when a youth aims high, why, he's only to mind 
 his eye — not his mind's eye, and he'll hit the mark. I 
 knowed a adverti-se-ment as wanted a governess at ten 
 pounds a year; she was expected to attend to seven chil- 
 dren, and improve their craven minds with French, the 
 guitar, Italian, plain sewing, dancing, singing, netting, 
 arith-met-ic, attention to the table, and not to let the chil- 
 dren fight. Well, a friend of mine, as knowed not one 
 of these, applied for the place, and didn't she suit? staid 
 more nor three months, and that was more nor any three 
 had ever done afore. " 
 
 "Oh Johnny! how?" 
 
 " Why, she soon discovered as how French meant a 
 knowledge of preparin that country's beans, or washing- 
 its laces, cleaning its gloves ; the guitar was blowing the 
 bellows: dancing was right enough — attendance at the 
 backs of the infants' chairs, at dinner; singing, netting, 
 ari-th-met-ic was singing to keep herself waken when 
 darning her pupils' stockings, and reckoning whether she 
 could save one-and-nine-pence out of her quarter's earn- 
 in's, the breakages (pupils') deducted. She paid great
 
 12 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 attention to the table when there was any grub on it; 
 and prevented the kids from fighting for her share 
 as well as she could. — There's the accomplishments for 
 you." 
 
 " Ah ! but I hope, poor Johnny, they will use you 
 better." 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha; let poor Johnny alone. I'm off Willy — 
 oh, I shall soon come again, you'll see. I shall carefully 
 stiptilate how many days a week I am to have for visit- 
 mg. 
 
 " Good by, I hope they'll not ill-use you." 
 
 Jacky soon found himself at Trafalgar square : looked 
 at the National gallery: thought of how many sons of 
 Britain were at that moment distinoruishino- themselves 
 there: then he thought how soon he should be at t*he 
 same pastime, slapped his breast, and felt ambitious. He 
 soon found himself in Northumberland street; nor was 
 he long in twigging the great door-plate of Dr. Benzoni. 
 It bore the modest announcement of the place being 
 an INSTITUTION under the superintendence of Dr. 
 Benzoni. Jacky approached the door and treated the 
 knocker as he had seen ladies' footmen — that is, he com- 
 menced such a proceeding as stone-breakers think it 
 necessary to do when they engage with a big stone — 
 giving it a few rattling blows at first, and then peppering 
 it into small pieces : arithmeticians express this by saying 
 it is commencing with whole numbers, and breaking into 
 an infinite series of decimals afterwards. At all events, 
 the knocker conveyed such a report to the expectant 
 doctor, and family, that they prepared for the entrance 
 of a duchess, at least. The footman had the door open, 
 and the punisher of the knocker in, before either gentle- 
 man was well aware of what each had done. 
 
 Dr. Benzoni was playing at backgammon with two of 
 his daughters; and two others were trying a new duet
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 13 
 
 on the newly-hired grand-piano. The proceedings below 
 wonderfully altered those of the consulting-room. All 
 the ladies, save one, were ordered into the ante-room, 
 and the remaining one became a patient in the doctor's 
 hands so soon as she had helped him on with his satin- 
 and-gold morning gown, his scarlet-and-gold slippers, 
 and richly-tasselled cap. 
 
 Jacky was ordered into the ante-room, as he infonned 
 the footman he had business of importance to communi- 
 cate to the renowned Doctor. Jacky's entrance was 
 quite unnoticed by the ladies, w^io were busily expatiating 
 on the miraculous benefits the Doctor had conferred on 
 the world for a number of years. What an amazing 
 practice he had: how many hours they and their poor 
 carriages had been waiting there and in Trafalgar square. 
 Whether they should be able to see him that day or^not. 
 And then they all prayed that their general Maker would 
 permit Dr. Benzoni to confer his blessings to the world: 
 and oh, great happiness, the patient, who has been re- 
 ceiving advice, is now dismissed; and the next lady in 
 turn is about to rush in — when came the magnificent 
 doctor into the ante-room : he merely did so to look at a 
 beautiful exotic that he was tenderly rearing in the win- 
 dow; but took no notice whatever of the waiting com- 
 pany, although, as we have seen, their carriages must 
 have been very much tired in Trafalgar square. 
 
 In returning, however, he saw our hero, and was evi- 
 dently struck with surprise at seeing the son — so he took 
 him to be — of the Countess St Augustine. He entreated 
 pardon of the ladies, but he must confer a minute with 
 the son of the countess, as, perhaps, her life was then 
 in his hands. 
 
 The ladies nodded a reluctant consent, and then as 
 soon as the others were out, retired; feeling sure that the 
 doctor would make as much, at least, out of this loud rap,
 
 14 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 as would treat them all to the opera, including gloves, 
 wreaths, coaches, and other what-nots. 
 
 " Ah, I beg your pardons, I find now I look, you are 
 notsh the countess' shon : may I take the liberty to ashk 
 your demandsh?" 
 
 " Oh, I have nothing against you, no demand what- 
 
 soever." 
 
 " Might I ashk whotsh is your ple-asure thensh?" 
 
 " This advertisement," said John, pulling out a news- 
 paper and showing the doctor his footman-advertisement 
 immediately under that of his professional one. 
 
 " Wotsh the defile! is that for all you have come? 
 Vosh it you as nearly knocked down mine door just now 
 with mine knocker? " 
 
 " How could I, sir? when the knocker is fast to the 
 door ; I don't think I could if I had it loose in my hand ; 
 
 no nor — " 
 
 " Go down stairs, or I shall fly you through the win- 
 dowsh — " 
 
 " I ask pardon, sir ; but I forgot I was knocking for 
 myself; living in great families and knocking for them, 
 soon gets you a habit of doin' on it for yourself." 
 
 "Great familish? ah wells there may be some thing — 
 yotsch great familis?" 
 
 " Rather rich, I should have said." 
 
 " Ah vel, then rich, whotsh rich?" 
 
 " Oh the one was Master Knacker — kept a smashin 
 turn out: I'm fond of drivin'; the rest — but howsoever 
 sufFhise it — I last lived with Mrs. Kent:" 
 
 " And have you ever knocked for her — eh?" 
 
 " Have I not!" said Jacky, looking at his fist, "and 
 for her grandson, too, Mr. William Kent — the honour- 
 able—" 
 
 " Wotsh is he, right honourable, then?" 
 
 " very much so."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 15 
 
 " Vas your mistressh, and the right honourable Mr. 
 William Kentsh, very goodsh to you, then?" 
 
 " Too much so," said Jacky, lifting his pocket hand- 
 kerchief to his eyes, " too much so." 
 
 " Wotsh made you leave for then?" 
 
 " Two of the best people in the world, thelrselves, but 
 all around their establishment — ah, sad example to one 
 as has had a very moral trainin'." 
 
 " Oh, wotsh, the other servants? too often the waysh 
 in largsh establishmongs, like Lady Kentsh's: dosh the 
 old ladysh every get very ill? wantsh doctor? Nervoush 
 diseash, you see, I cure ; look at my booksli there — ' the 
 20,000 edition,' show her thatsh : soon make her ill: or, 
 perhapsh, the honourable Mr. William Kentsh — ^I shall 
 allow you good percentaysh: that will be better than 
 coming into my servish, don't you see, now? Dosl^ the 
 honourable Mr. William Kentsh wantsh to buy a set of 
 diamondsh, or gold vatsh? or — oh I have all sort of things 
 for young gentlemansh as ash been made me presents for 
 my grand cures: hunk! eh, votsh is your name?" 
 
 "Mr. John Stratford; — John Stratford when I'm 
 hired." 
 
 " Ah, very goodsh ; varee goodsh. Wells, instead of 
 making a shervant of you, I will make a gentlehomme 
 of you, if you will shell me those preshents. It ish of no 
 use, you know, keeping all the baubles ash the nobility 
 force upon me." 
 
 " Oh, I've no doubt I can eiFectuate sales of all them 
 ere things ; but I should have to do it only in one 
 way." 
 
 " Veil, veil, the way, thensh?" said the doctor, a little 
 impatiently. 
 
 " You must take me on trial for a fortnit ; and then 
 engage me for a year; and the old lady will be so pleased, 
 as well as little Willy, (ah, that's what she calls him;
 
 16 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 I must mind in future tense) that there is no knowing 
 what they might do for me." 
 
 " Are you sure the old ladysh will be very ill, then?" 
 
 " If she thought it would be better for me." 
 
 " Ishthe right honourable — " 
 
 " Remarkable so — " 
 
 " Ah, but I meansh fond of the nobility's baubles — ?" 
 
 " No, no. I wouldn't a go to say, for the world, as 
 he would covet anything as was his neighbour's." 
 
 " No ; that ish not what I means. But very fond of 
 buying themsli; eh?" 
 
 " Lord bless you! only put me on some good livery; 
 hire me for a year; try me for a fortnit ; give me lots of 
 crack wituals, and write me a tearing character: and 
 vfont Master William Kent be pleased ! I suppose refer- 
 ences will be given if required by me?" 
 
 "Mine gotsh — look at that piano-forte ; that Madona, 
 there; that picture, worth a million — " 
 
 " I mean of me — " 
 
 " Shtay ; thatsh is a carriage knock-and-ring, I'm 
 sure thish time : you're hired ; come to-morrish. Let 
 the right honourable read that book of mines. Run."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 17 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 No doubt the innocent reader has long ere this sus- 
 pected the worthy Dr. Benzoni to be a descendant of 
 that respectable family, (though eastern, still one well 
 kno^vIl in this country,) called Israel. Nor is he wrong; 
 nor would he be right if he thought the learned Doctor 
 was merely wedded to the hackneyed profession of 
 medicine. 
 
 No ; his rearing and education were quite of an(fl;her 
 order; and, as it will probably be guessed, of another 
 country : that country was the gracious one of Poland. 
 What his profession was there (save, of course, being a 
 persecuted patriot), it is difficult to say. 
 
 But what it was when he first honoured England with 
 a selection for his refugeeism, is — first, no doubt, merely 
 to get a knowledge of the English language and habits, 
 he did perambulate London as a dealer in black leads, 
 sealing-wax, and other knackery of that useful descrip- 
 tion. From that he gradually rose to the dealing-in of 
 cast-off ladies' wear ; which he exchanged for trinkets, 
 and other very pleasing playthings. From once getting 
 a toothful or two of nobility patronage, he extended 
 his ramification to such an extent, and his patrons still 
 increasing, that he was resolved to meet the whole in a 
 very proper spirit ; and being now consulted by some, 
 even of the most aged of the wealthy, in the choice of 
 feminine friends, he, with the assistance of his good lady, 
 kept a great number, so that the most fastidious could 
 
 c
 
 IB THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 readily select an article to tlieir satisfaction; and though 
 the prices might be considered high, yet the great 
 choice caused an extensive business. Dr. Benzoni's 
 name was, at that time, Raphael; and certainly Herr 
 Raphael was making a fortune rapidly; but in conse- 
 quence of a slight irregularity or two in his house, by 
 some young sprigs of the highest quality — only a few 
 hundreds, or so, lost — the authorities took to the cruel 
 revenge of indicting, and playing all sorts of dirty tricks 
 on the poor but useful foreigner. To such an extent 
 was this carried, that Raphael thought it best not only 
 to leave this establishment, and all its branches which 
 he held in London, but that good city itself. Nay, and 
 so disgusted was he with the treatment he had met with, 
 that he changed his name at the same time ; but not his 
 purpose, which was to journey to some part of the king- 
 dom where there was a crack Jew-christianizer. So ^^ e 
 may think how badly poor Mr. Raphael thought himself 
 used, when he not only renounced his trade, his city, 
 but his creed. It is true that some of his nation did not 
 ascribe all this to the same cause that Herr Raphael did; 
 but, as every man knows his own heart best, what right 
 have we to deny the same knowledge of the same 
 locality to the persecuted Pole? 
 
 Mr. Raphael, then, was made a Christian, we believe, 
 in Cheltenham; some scores of the worthy subscribers 
 to the *' Society for promoting Christianity amongst the 
 Jews " being present. 
 
 All the newspapers in all England glorified the good 
 Herr Raphael — what could they do for him? 
 
 Madame Raphael became a Christian; the association 
 could not do less than subscribe a thousand pounds to 
 start, in some way, these worthy new Christians. 
 
 But we must here say, that our respected couple did 
 not call themselves " Raphael " at this time, nor did they
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 19 
 
 say one word of the business in which they were engaged 
 when in London. No; they had fled from Poland, for the 
 purpose of embracing the creed we have just seen; and 
 their names were Cou7it und Countess Soboliski: so, that 
 accounts for the pleasure that was manifested by the asso- 
 ciation. It was not like making an old-clothes' seller 
 into a precursor of the millennium. The worthy count 
 and lady were exhibited everywhere, and mentioned in 
 every thing. The count himself, resolving to do all the 
 good he could in the new vineyard, not only lectured on 
 the blessings of Christianity, but induced an immense 
 subscription for the purpose of sending him into his own 
 benighted country, in order, as he himself said, to con- 
 vert whole hosts ; nay, and the testimonials he took with 
 him were sure to beget a pardon for his political sins. 
 The good christian count received the first subscription 
 to start into this modern stronghold of Judea; but it 
 would seem, altered his plans as soon as he got to Paris; 
 and instead of going to Poland, bethought him of Jeru- 
 salem; at once thinking that, with the nice swag he had 
 obtained in England, he could go thither to ask pardon 
 for his apostacies, and pick up some antiquities, relics, 
 articles of vertu, intaglios, and the rest, in the Holy 
 land, Greece, Italy, &c. 
 
 And also to get forgotten, should he ever return to the 
 fruitful, gullful, soil of England. That, and an entire 
 change of name and profession — and how could he 
 miss? 
 
 Nor was he wrong; the assumed name is the one 
 under which he now practises the profession — but the 
 reader, besides the hints he has had, will soon understand. 
 
 It is some time since we saw Master Stratford ordered 
 away by the grand Dr. Benzoni, in the stern expectation 
 of the new knock being really a carriage announcement ; 
 and we will see how far the reclaimed apostate is right.
 
 20 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 
 
 The worthy Doctor Benzoni was not the only one who 
 prepared to receive the new knock; no, the ladies, who 
 were in waiting for advice from the renowned physician 
 when Mr. Stratford entered, were again undergoing the 
 same tedious process : that is, two in the ante-room, and 
 one in the actual obtainment of medical relief. The 
 knock entered, and though he (for again it was a mascu- 
 line) made a very polite bow to the ladies, yet their 
 admiration of the doctor's talents and humanity was 
 such, that they scarcely, if at all, saw the new visitor. 
 He, however, being a well-bred man, first begged pardon 
 for the interruption he was about to make in their ad- 
 miration, and then asked how many hours it was likely 
 to be, ere three words could be spoken to the great sub- 
 ject of their joint eulogium. The ladies, who were 
 equally well-bred, and knowing their respective consul- 
 tations would be an hour each, magnanimously gave 
 precedence to the few minutes' visitor. The lady who 
 had been consulting was just then handed out of the 
 presence-chamber, and the word " nexsht " being heard 
 in the ante-room, the new knock soon found himself 
 before the magnificent and renowned Dr. Benzoni. 
 
 " Be sheated, ma very deer frien ; be sheated," said 
 the doctor, not, however, condescending to rise from his 
 own gorgeous easy-chair. " The pleashure of your 
 namesh?" 
 
 " First, sur, permit me to bid you a good morning, 
 and to compliment you upon the snugness, beauty, and 
 taste of your apartments. My name, dear doctor, is — 
 but, however, I sent up my card; there sur, you'll per- 
 cave it." 
 
 " Card ! ah, ma good friendsh, we have not time to 
 read cardsh here. Non; they musht come in rotationsh : 
 namesh, ma good friendsh, are of no use, where there ish 
 hundredsh of a day."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 21 
 
 " Fait, that may be very true. My name tlien, sur, is 
 Colonel John O'Craizem." 
 
 " Procheed," said the doctor, as coolly as if the 
 other, had merely said "Lieutenant-Corporal O'Craizem" 
 — " procheed." 
 
 " Of the most ancient family in the world, barring 
 three, and one of thim, too, we dispute." 
 
 " Tat, tat, tail, — with your disheasej your complaintsh 
 — why for you com to consult with me?" 
 
 "Thunder! doctor, but did you percave that I said 
 ^Colonel?'" 
 
 The doctor only waved his hand this time, without 
 the "Procheed." 
 
 " Well, what's the good of asking a man's name then?" 
 said the colonel, a little growlishly ; " but however, that's 
 my name: my estate is in Balingosly — wait a bit — and 
 my complaint is in the twist of my nose." 
 
 The doctor directed as quick a glance at the last 
 quantity of his patient's face, as a toad does at a scam- 
 pering insect: he thought the concluding part of the 
 colonel's remarks was merely an appendix to the growl; 
 but one peep, the doctor kept the best of eyes, and that 
 peep was sufficient; it was the nose in which was the 
 twist, and not, as the doctor feared, the head. 
 
 The doctor also perceived, from indisputable criteria, 
 that the patient was liable to other twists save the one 
 pointed out, and that was in the temper: he saw that 
 he should cause a fearful deterioration in his fees, if 
 he did not let the other unravel a little; and the more 
 so when he perceived that the sister isle had had, at 
 least, the honour of his education. So thus the sly 
 doctor : — 
 
 " Ma very deer frien, tell me every thing. In theshe 
 thingsh you cannotch be too expliesit." 
 
 " Ah, ah, I thought so."
 
 22 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 " Time should be nothing when the afflictedsh 
 speaksh." 
 
 " Your hand, afther that. There's no use in giving 
 pedigree, family disputes, what hunters you keep, or 
 whether you prefer butter to cheese, in these affairs; but 
 still, I hold it of equal importance, for your guidance, 
 that the state of the heart, mentally speaking, has as 
 grate a right to be discussed to your physician as that 
 of your bowels ; and more particularly, as it is my nose 
 I am coming to complain of. Look at that unfortunate 
 sense of the animal functions, and tell me can it be re- 
 paired or not? Can it be reset? A new one, I fear now, 
 is all my eye?" 
 
 " Ma deer frien — ma very dear frien — " said the doc- 
 tor, feelerishly, for in truth, the good Mr. Benzoni was 
 puzzled — that is, of course, how to screw a fee, at all, out 
 of the gentleman with the injured sense, as he very much 
 feared that the colonel had read a wrong quack-adver- 
 tisement, or had got to a wrong knocker in that prolific 
 neighbourhood — " procheed, ma very deer frien." 
 
 " Well, you percave, doctor, — here, I'll stand up — I 
 am at laste six-feet-two ; good limb ; and, in short, a killer 
 for the old, rich ladies; and being young into the bargain 
 — forty-one and a half, on the honour of my commission 
 in his majesty's service: all complete but the nose, d'ye 
 percave?" 
 
 " Ma vera good frien, how long has it had that 
 dreadfulsh crookedsh?" 
 
 " Ah, there, that is what I want to come to. I knew 
 it was of no use keeping one thing from the man 
 that, from all I read, can tip miracles at such a rate as 
 I find here stated." And the Colonel produced a very 
 luminous account of the doctor's astounding cures, in the 
 shape of a hand-bill. 
 
 " A wotsh?" shouted the amazed doctor; and who, for
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 23 
 
 the first time, rose from his chair. " They will pershist, 
 then, in ruining me. I shall have to leave this countrysh 
 afther all!" and the afflicted man threw himself into 
 his easy-chair; not, however, without covering his face 
 with his hands and eleven rings. 
 
 " Bah, ba, bah, what nonsinse you talk. Monsieur 
 Benzoni; you have not seen the bill — it's spreading your 
 praises further than you could July buttherwith a spade." 
 
 " Ah, I knowsh, I knowsh ; and it brings 'em by thous- 
 andsh — it ish the Humane Shoshiety as ish giving 'em 
 about by millionsh. I cannot lead this mill-horsh life 
 any longer. — Ah! you stare, ma deer frien; but look 
 here : here ish their advertishments, see, in all the papers, 
 and I have been force — been force to get an injunction 
 from chancery to make them head them ^ Advertishment ;' 
 now to convince yourselfsh, look, ' Advertishment,' ' Ad- 
 vertishment;' readsh 'em all — I should be work to death 
 in a monthsh elsh. Don't you hear how the knocker 
 keeps thundering away?" 
 
 ^' 'Pon my soul, that's thrue : the devil a bit has it ever 
 been aisy since I entered, or the bell — that's a mighty 
 fact!" 
 
 " Ah, ma deer frien, many dozensh waiting already." 
 
 But though the poor colonel was labouring under a 
 slight mistake about the alarming state of the atmosphere 
 in the vicinity of the street knocker, we do not see why 
 the reader ought. No, this was the way. In most large 
 Institutions, where there must necessarily be a good deal 
 of waiting, it is common to place the newspapers, period- 
 icals, and such like, on the table: perhaps a musical 
 snuff-box, or harp, just to play upon until the great man 
 is at liberty. But the doctor, being an original man in 
 all things, had a large knocker, as well as a street-bell, 
 fixed to an inside door; and to amuse the waiters up- 
 stairs these two instruments were set to play; though
 
 24 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 in this case, it would seem the poor colonel thought they 
 were announcing the arrival of patients. Well, he was 
 mistaken, that was all. And probably what the doctor 
 meant, when he said there were so many ^'dozens wait- 
 ing already," was — cabs and coaches on the next stand. 
 
 " Well, now about the nosh : how long, ma deer frien, 
 hash it been attempting to turn up one cheek and ne- 
 glecting the other, instead of honourably parting them 
 both: the caush, and how long shince?" 
 
 *' I cannot exactly state the exact — and you percave, 
 doctor, I want to hide nothing from you — there's a tinder 
 old lady, as rich — Oh ! I spake in compass whin I say she 
 owns three banks — " 
 
 " Three banksh?" 
 
 " Four shares she holds in one — a whopper I'll swear; 
 but that's nothing — poph! banks to her are nothing. 
 Well, she's taken as grate a liking to me as her late hus- 
 band. Lord — but I'll not blab names — did to money. 
 Well, and would marry me without settling a rap — I 
 hear the knocker — on herself, if I could once git my 
 nose to please her; every thing else does, afther the 
 most searching exhamination; even character she does 
 not care a good man's opinion about; all right but the 
 nose: that right, doctor, and I'd whip you down to my 
 country sate, to shoot rabbits, any day. Now, doctor, 
 look: would it be best to twist it back with a sort of 
 smashing process, or cut a slice off one side and put it on 
 the other; or — " 
 
 " Oh, mine Maker! excuse a minute — ^I must — " and 
 the learned consultee could not get out another word. 
 He rushed out of the room, but could not give parturition 
 to one, even when he got into that wherein his lady and 
 family were seated; but, though he found such difficulty 
 in utterance, it was manifest that the subject of his apo- 
 strophe had not denied him some way of giving currency
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 25 
 
 to his feelings when he had reached his astonished family. 
 Still the whole of them dreaded a fit, but soon rejoiced 
 when they found what sort of a fit it was likely to be; 
 for though the doctor suffered a good deal from tortion 
 of body, yet the squeezing of his sides, seizing the abdo- 
 minal viscera, and other well-known indicata, proclaimed 
 it to be one of laughter, and which was as loud, as the 
 knocking. 
 
 The doctor recited the patient's complaint; finished 
 his fit, and bade them laugh in piano: or, if they could 
 not do that, why then, one might play upon the grand 
 one before them, and the laugh might be as forte as they 
 liked. 
 
 " So now, ma deer Colonel — I am liable to sudden 
 attacks, as you perceive. Proceedsh. Plow long ago 
 was you attack with your dreadful malady?" demanded 
 the doctor, returning into the room. 
 
 "I don't remimber; though, a singular thing, I have 
 a perfict recollection of being born. I know there was 
 a grate hubbub, and a fire in mother's bed-room. But, 
 however, the other that was born with me was a twin: 
 and whether we had quarrelled before, as, heaven knows, 
 we have ever since we were born — or not, I cannot say. 
 I have laid upon him now and thin, as I have no doubt 
 he must upon my nose — ^worse luck to him, as well as 
 being the elder brother — worse luck still to him — no, to 
 7m this time! So, you percave how it was done, doctor?" 
 
 " Still," said the cunning descendant of the good patri- 
 arch, Israel, " your family did not behave so badly : if 
 this dishlocation of your nosh lost the estatsh, your com- 
 mission of colonel was no bad thing: — what regiment 
 have you the honour to command?" 
 
 " — ^And, as I was saying, doctor, that my nose put 
 light, and I am, at once, one of the richest men in or out 
 of the world. Only cure it, and name your price."
 
 26 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Oh, fifty guineasli as a retainersh ; or the address of 
 your regimint, or a note of promish from the happy bride 
 electsh. Wotsh shall I write a receipt for the monish 
 to the regimentsh, or the lady's name, residence, and 
 reference?" 
 
 "Bub, bub, boo. Doctor, doctor; aisy, aisyl" 
 
 " Oh just namish the regimentsh, and that will 
 do." 
 
 "What a divil of a hurry you're in; as to the regi- 
 ment, you percave, it was the — the Balingosly dragoons 
 — was the regiment — " 
 
 "Wash, wash? oh!" thouo^ht the doctor — ^^"but that 
 regimentsh hash been broke oup many long time shinsh, 
 ma goot frien." 
 
 " (Bad luck, that's more than I knew). You're right 
 as to its being broken up; but that's the regiment I ivas 
 colonel of when it was a regiment: d'ye percave?" 
 
 " Hold," said the doctor, looking at a book; " why, I 
 findsh it ish fifty years shince ! " 
 
 " About that time ; may be a month over or under." 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ma goot Colonel, how can that be, 
 when you are not quite forty-two? ha, ha!" 
 
 " Bub, bub, boo; aisy, aisy — " 
 
 " I don't sliee it. Could not be done in this country, 
 I believe," said the doctor, with a slight admixture of 
 irony-waggery. 
 
 " This country! poh! no; but Ireland you see can do 
 it with aise. My father was the Colonel. Well, the 
 eldest twin took the estate by nature; and I the title of 
 colonel, by J ." 
 
 " Hush, hush, hush ; no such dreadful oaths : for 
 shame, for shame." 
 
 " Well, then, I am the Colonel: to which high descint 
 I will do honour, only git the nose and the widow put 
 right : I am, also, glad to find that you would not let me
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 27 
 
 swear by a name, which shows that I am wrong in what 
 I took you for — a Jew." 
 
 "A Jew! mine deer frien; how conld I be doing all 
 this goodsh and miracles, if I was one of that wicked 
 nation? Do you thinksh the humane shocieties, and all 
 
 the world Well, in two words, will the lady put down 
 
 my retainersh; you hear the house will be knocked down : 
 many hundredsh musht be waiting," said the doctor, a 
 thought beginning to creep into some very vivid spot 
 in his brain, that, after all, it was most likely he had 
 been losing his time. 
 
 " You give a guarantee that you will correct the 
 angle of my nose; and I'll make the ould lady give 
 equal satisfaction for the circularity of the money." 
 
 " Be here at onsh to-morrow," said the doctor, extend- 
 ing his hand : " it ish a bargain. Here, stay, you qannot 
 go out the same way you com in; another waysh. 
 Even the lobbish will be crowded that way." 
 
 " Good morning, doctor; prepare for operations to- 
 morrow: I shall lodge and board in your house until 
 you make the finest man of me either here or when in 
 Balingosly. I think it will be aisier to do, as I'm not 
 bow-legged, and have iver stood up for justice to ould 
 Ireland."
 
 28 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 The day before the one on which Master Stratford was 
 to improve the domestic arrangements of the ornament 
 of our last chapter, he squared all the little arrangements 
 in the small affairs of the good Mrs. Kent. He also 
 prevailed upon her to permit her grandson, William, to 
 go with him to the gallery of one of, rathevy the outer 
 minors. This was to be as a sort of parting. Now it was 
 slightly hinted that Jacky had some sly connexions with 
 one, if not more, of these awful establishments; and this 
 the more so, because it was well known he had the entrSe 
 to the stage of one of them, and played off some terrible 
 waof^eries at two or three other rivals. This, it would 
 seem, he and his party had carried on to such an ex- 
 tent, that the managers kept a pretty careful look-out 
 (particularly upon him) whenever they entered the 
 house. 
 
 On the night in question, the drama was one known 
 by the classification of " battle-axe pieces," the exile was 
 a very long, but very lean prince; a young gentleman 
 who played with his arms straight down. He was doing 
 this, on the present occasion, when an extreme opposite 
 classification — one of the thick tree-stump genus — had 
 to rush into his presence, battle-axe in hand. Jacky no 
 sooner saw this movement, and watched the exact 
 moment of his lifting the hatchet, and the audience's 
 silence, than he shouted out, " Oh, woodman, spare that 
 stick." The piece was stopped for five minutes, the
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 29' 
 
 manaojer havino; to announce that it should be altered 
 for ensuing evenings. 
 
 This, with similar jokes, nearly damned the piece; and 
 the whole corps dramatique swore they would do the 
 same to the little monster in the gallery. 
 
 One, a little slyer than the rest, said " Would it not 
 be better for the manager to employ him some other 
 way, and shut his mouth, as country squires do poachers 
 by making them into game-keepers?" 
 
 This was thought good; but there could be no doubt 
 whatever as to the soundness of the advice, when one 
 of the carpenters informed the green-room, that he had 
 twigged the nuisance, and that, to his certain knowledge 
 he was the best monkey, or monster, that had ever 
 crossed a ceiling, or carried a maiden to the top of a 
 cocoa-nut tree. He had seen him, when carpenter at 
 the Royal Standard theatre, after rehearsal, beating all the 
 monsieurs that had ever been brought from the continent, 
 or manufactured in this country : his ricks being longer ; 
 his maiden grasps stronger; his jumps farther; his fiend 
 grins more taking, and trying to an audience; nay, he 
 could fascinate the very scene-shifters, and frighten the 
 still-vaulters. The carpenter was going to add, that his 
 wit had been proved that night, w^hen the whole green- 
 room rose. He said no more; but this was stunning 
 news for the management. Accordingly, a deputation 
 waited at the gallery door, and told Mr. Stratford that 
 the manager of the Royal Sanspareil wanted an audience 
 with him. At this. Master William Kent became greatly 
 alarmed, as he thought the management was, no doubt, 
 going to retribute a little for the waggery of the evening; 
 told them if they touched Jacky he would scream police, 
 and tell his grandmother when he got home, and all the 
 magistrates next morning. 
 
 Jacky laughed at this : told Billy that, if they offered
 
 30 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 even a threat, he would make a parish affair of it at once. 
 Every free-born British man had the right of an exercise 
 of the lingo in all places but in church; or even there, 
 if you are either a preacher, clerk, or singer, during ser- 
 vice, or a white-washer when the church is undergoing 
 repairs. " Lead the way! I nothing dread!" 
 
 " Oh don't go in, Jacky," cried Billy, seizing the free- 
 born youth's arms. 
 
 " You can come, too," said the deputation. 
 
 "Yes, and then there would be no one to tell of 
 Jacky's death!" 
 
 '^Hush," said Jacky, "I'll not be many minutes; I 
 know what they want with me. Stay outside till I 
 come back; perhaps I'll make yer fortin yet." 
 
 Billy was obliged to be satisfied, but was resolved 
 that, if they kept his friend too long, he would give 
 an alarm of" fire." 
 
 The whole was as Jacky suspected; it was a carte blanche 
 offer (a minor theatre one, too), if he would come and 
 do the monkey-business. That, if he would agree, a 
 piece should be written for him that very night, and 
 brought out under his immediate attendance. 
 
 Mr. Stratford said they should have his final resolu- 
 tion on the next day; rose up an inch and a half taller, 
 and was going to show the difference in his height to 
 his friend outside, when he found that friend had slily 
 crept in to be an eye-witness to the murder, that is, if 
 his screams could not stop so sanguinary a retribution. 
 He heard the last part of the offer; and he bore faithful 
 testimony to Jacky's improved dimensions. Both of 
 which exceedingly obliged Mr. John Stratford O'Fla- 
 harty Brady. 
 
 The reason why the last named great man could not 
 be more explicit to the management, will be partly 
 guessed by the reader: his prior engagement with
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 31 
 
 Doctor Benzoni. It may be argued, that he might 
 throw up the former employment for the more brilliant 
 one of the Royal Sanspareil. True; but Jacky had 
 heard one of his former masters (the knacker, we believe, 
 it was) say that " the purfessors of the drama should 
 make only walking-canes and cigars of it; not go-carts 
 and hauf and hauf — quarterns of gin was quite out of 
 the question." So Jacky thought. 
 
 Bread and honey at the doctor's; fame and relaxation 
 at the Boyal Sanspareil. 
 
 Since we have heard so 'much of Jacky's capabilities 
 for the monkey-business, we shall briefly state how he 
 attained eminence in that useful science. Very trifling 
 incidents, accidents, or casualties, have been known to 
 give a lasting bias to the most important minds ; to have 
 changed former, given regulation and zest to new studies ; 
 to have thrust out old designs and erected new; it was 
 a slight incident of this nature that led to Jacky's be- 
 coming a man, that is, the man-monkey at the Royal 
 Sanspareil. 
 
 When Jacky was the travelling assistant to the itiner- 
 ant confectioner, he brought up his cart, for the purpose 
 of resting his cattle, in a nice shady nook, a few miles off 
 Canterbury, and there found a somewhat aged proprietor 
 of a monkey and organ. There they were sat; the man 
 on his organ, the monkey on her tail; nor were they 
 alone, although at first sight they appeared to be so; but 
 Jacky's searching eyes soon discovered that melancholy 
 had sent one of her imps to teaze the man; and mischief 
 another to put his servant in the dumps. 
 
 And very fast at work they were. 
 
 Jacky bade the old gentleman cheer up, and at once 
 offered his services to expel both of the troublesome 
 guests; but first, very feelingly, asked the cause of their 
 unceremonious visit.
 
 32 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 The ancient Savoyard, tlien, told Master Stratford 
 that he had bought a young monkey, and, in case of the 
 other's sickness or demise, was putting him through a 
 course of elementary studies, and got him into "polite 
 actions," in that part of them, and the handling of a 
 broom and a pair of bellows in his domestic illustrations, 
 of course, unsheathing, sheathing, and squaring a sword ; 
 with plucking of little girls' petticoats, when — ^behold 
 Mademoiselle Rachel — the amiable and talented young 
 lady in the dumps, caught her master and rival at their 
 labours; saw what was to be the game; knew how little 
 she should be valued if Master Jocko could supply her 
 place; so pouted, dumped, and at last, fell into the un- 
 relenting flout we have seen causing so much misery to 
 her employer. 
 
 " O, come," said Jacky, " if that's all, she'll come 
 round in time: set yer young one to work, and make 
 lumber of her. Doff her fine field-marshal's coat and 
 cocked-hat: let her see she's a humbug, and the world, 
 that she's only a marshal of her own sex — a field-marshal- 
 corporal! Make a grit girl of her; and give her mighty 
 tin sword to Monsieur, the youthful Jocko. That's how 
 I'd serve her: let her carry the other's dinners, make 
 his bed, catch his fleas, and any odd gentleman of a still 
 larger species as may be a-troubling of yerself. That's 
 the sort of nuts to crack." 
 
 " Wr-r-r-ick-ick," and in one second Miss Rachel was 
 on Jacky's shoulders, and during the whole of two more, 
 she shook Jacky's ears; and, before Jacky could get his 
 fist ready for a blow, she was half-way up a very lofty 
 tree, much to the astonishment of Master John Stratford, 
 and also, slightly, to a magpie's nest. 
 
 " O, mine holy virgin! vat have you done?" 
 
 "What have I done? you miserable negro-driver! 
 you rum, old, grizly apparition of the old hundredth!
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 33 
 
 don't yer see as one of yer spirits, yer first witch in 
 Macbeth there, has taken both my ears up that ere tree? 
 Why doesn't she take young maidens to the tops of 
 trees, for the purpose of makin cream fritters, and not my 
 blessed scalp? Now, madam — ay, you may grin and 
 chatter, you half hedge-hog, half bat; bless me if you 
 have a touch of the squirrel about yer — look out, while 
 I am a doin' the same for a hatfuU of stones : I'll smash 
 a link in the hanimal kingdom, even if I'm condemned to 
 supply it myself in the next world." And then the wrath- 
 ful Master Stratford commenced the selection of slio-ht 
 pebbles, and half-bricks; swearing he would make his 
 fiendish opponent "missle," even though the old "wizard" 
 conjured half-a-score more of his "familiars" to her aid. 
 
 And as John began doing this, the ill-used master 
 commenced a similar attack upon the same melancholy 
 that we have stated was troubling him when Jacky had 
 the misfortune to fall into his company. Melancholy! 
 no; no sooner did he see Jacky let fly the big and little 
 stones at Mademoiselle Rachel, than he gave loose to 
 similar instalments of the loudest laughter he had ever 
 parturated for many years. 
 
 This made Jacky fiercer, and, as we know nothing 
 delights the sex of Jacky's opponent more than a little 
 opposition — the lady Eachel flirted, skipped, and whether 
 anything of the squirrel was in her or not, it was quite 
 clear she enjoyed the shots more than the sportsman 
 himself did. 
 
 " Damn her," said Jacky, as he wielded the last sod — 
 his harder ammunition had long been done — " and you, 
 you ould wizard; what, it's rare fun is it? What a fool 
 I am to be trying to hit a familiar of such a cozy old 
 conjurer, barrel-organ-and-monkey performhence, eh? 
 an old fortin-teller: and yon's the familiar as gets the 
 hinformation, and fetches the — one-gold, one-silver, one- 
 
 \
 
 34 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 copper as is wrapped in a rag, and hid in a wall. Til 
 lodge a liinformation, and have yer both burned in 
 Smithfield, under the hact passed in the reign of Guy- 
 Fa wkes. That'll be worse nor twisting on my ears; 
 heres they aint!" and Jacky felt at the sides of his head 
 once more. 
 
 " You would makes fun — ^" 
 
 " YeSj Sir Savoy Kidnapp, and that's what I thought 
 she got her living by; bur I'll wait till she comes down, 
 or till the city-guard brings their loaded muskets. Wait 
 till yer prisners; tried, swimmed in a butter-basin, and 
 burnt. — It's not the pain, but the pieces as is gone." 
 And Jacky again felt at his ears. 
 " Veil, don't take it so to hearts — " 
 " ' Take it to heart,' when's she's taken 'em from my 
 head; but here goes again," and Jacky took up the 
 whole of the properties, stage and all, of the strolling 
 exhibition : first, he rattled away the sword, and then the 
 scabbard; next cymbals, drum, and other martial instru- 
 ments; and was just dwelling whether next to try the 
 mop, broom, or the very actual stage itself, when he 
 once more heard the laugh, and saw the merry eye of 
 the proprietor — at all events lessee, of the snug theatre ; 
 and becoming a little ashamed of his extravagance, 
 dropped the untoward ammunition, and once more took 
 to threatening. 
 
 " Yer seems to be rather in good pluck about all this. 
 I wish you may, when yer sees the torch placed to the 
 faofofot in Smithfield. Better nor Bartholmnew fair, 
 that! I shall make some money out of my trade that 
 day; they'll be some confectionery wanted; Hoss or buy;' 
 I'll play yer old hundret, just to drown the noise when 
 the nits begin to crack; and the audible sobs from yer 
 chums, when yer embrace yer fermiliar, there, for the 
 last time. I'll secure fifty whole roofs, and all the win-
 
 THE LOED OF THE MAKOR. 35 
 
 dows, even to the chimney tops, as soon as I get to town; 
 and I aint a going to leave this until there's a case of 
 monkey-slaughter. I'll have yer waxworked, anyhow, 
 with the very indentical shirt in which yer was burnt to 
 death!" 
 
 " Bravo, bravo, and now, you must get me Eachel 
 from the top of that tree ; ar elsh, before I be burnt, ha, 
 ha! I shall just go to a justish of pish, and tell all about 
 watsh you have done to me: made one little poor 
 bird of mine, Rachel, at the top of a treesh. So I shall 
 have you hung the weeksh before you give evidench for 
 the auto da fe I ha, ha, ha ! you will make very prettish 
 vax-vork figure, too, with the real rope, as broke three 
 times before they could make such a young monster 
 swang, ha, ha, ha!" 
 
 "Ha, ha, ha! Come," said Jacky, "I think, ^rter 
 coolin a little we'd better withdraw a juror in both 
 cases; only it would be a very nice ^very identical' rope, 
 if it had bin broke in three! Eh? the most very vulgar 
 would not swallow that, case if I know anything of 
 calesthenics, as they're called at boordin-schools, that 
 rope would be three ropes. Yer would make a very 
 nois — ey showman, yer would. ^ The very rope as broke 
 in three, not a piece of which as ever bin found T ha 
 ha ha." 
 
 "He, he, he! Yesh, one little piesch — that ^ piesch 
 of his shirt as he was burned to dusht in ! ' " 
 
 " Give us yer hand; I begins to like yer. I took yer 
 for a moth, and I find yer a bit of candle ; I thought yer 
 an old rusty, crusty, savage old blade; but still, if yer 
 was as well ground as yer poor organ there, I think yer 
 would do to cut cheese with, barring there was no old 
 black-headed maggots in the way. ' I'll whet yer, and 
 sharp yer, and set yer on a strop.' I think I can make 
 something of yer, yet."
 
 36 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Firsh pick up all pauvre Rachel's stage propertisli. 
 Then, ven you have done that, oup that treesh and fetch 
 my poor little bird down; shee how she hacks her teetsh 
 withsh cold: poor Eachel!" 
 
 " If yer will let me be revenged; or else not!" 
 
 " Yotsh you mean!" 
 
 "Travel with us to the same fairs: and when I've 
 nothing to do, which I aint for two or three hours in a 
 day, git me a monkey's dress; and, bless me, if I don't 
 do the young Jocko's biisiness, and break yon cruel 
 wretch's heart!" 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha ! vel, that ish grand; come, let's see 
 you try; jumpsh upon the tables; take a that sword 
 and scabbard: now then, I vil play on the organ. Sho, 
 commence." 
 
 And Jacky did, and that, too, with such identity, 
 such agility, and wonderful comicality of execution, that 
 the lessee dropped the organ, and turned spectator, not 
 without clapping his hands and giving other manifes- 
 tations of his extreme satisfaction at the debut. Jacky 
 was so delighted with his attempts at the business of an 
 acting monkey, that he was resolved to try an effort at 
 the wild one. So he up the tree in which sat the grin- 
 ning Kachel, and soon effected her descent, not without 
 making his own, which he did through a bough breaking; 
 and that, too, with such rapidity, that ere he was half 
 aware, he found himself bang across the old Savoyard's 
 shoulders. Both went down: well, it was an accident, 
 that was all: but both manager and actor were alike 
 satisfied of the excellence of the engagement; the cer- 
 tainty of success. Both were right. Not only was the 
 talent wonderful — but the novelty! Rachel was a mere 
 travelling companion; at best but an auxiliary, sharing 
 the gains without meriting them; though, it seems, she 
 merited one thing — to be locked up with the manager
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 37 
 
 and star as impostors — so soon as they readied the 
 jail of the good city of Rochester. 
 
 Jacky, however, always considered that this country 
 engagement had been of the greatest use to him: the 
 quietness there was for study — that is, the monkey- 
 tricks; the goodness of the business, the playing of all 
 the leading parts ; acquiring the coolness necessary for a 
 large audience; in short, getting the ease of practice, and 
 making him — with years of after study — the hero of 
 the Royal Sanspareil.
 
 38 THE LORD OF THE MANOK. 
 
 CHAPTER Y. 
 
 Although negotiations were of the most satisfactory 
 character between the management of the Royal Sans-^ 
 pareil theatre and the late hero of Rochester, still, it 
 was found that to bring out the new piece with that 
 gorgeousness and taking qualities for a six months' run 
 — three illuminations, and twenty-two last nights — a 
 week or more must elapse. Then there was another 
 difficulty — and that was, in the name of the piece, and 
 from what country it was a translation; the minor, and 
 indeed the major managements of London, for a long 
 time, having found that no original — that is an English 
 piece, would suffice. The continental theatres in which 
 " the greatest man monkey in the world" had appeared, 
 were easily mentioned, in the intimatory bill: they in- 
 cluded Naples, Milan, Munich, Vienna, Prague, and 
 Paris; in all of which this wonderful importation had 
 astounded the audiences some thousands of nights; the 
 crowded heads, with suites, and the rest who had wit- 
 nessed him. But the name! The name was a oTeater 
 
 CD 
 
 difficulty than all those which fell to the scenist, property- 
 man, carpenter, composer, prompter, gas-man, author, 
 or call-boy ; door-keepers, cheque-takers, watch-and- 
 scavenger-rates' collector, manager, treasurer — and the 
 calculations of how much a-week the apple, ginger-beer, 
 and other ladies were to pay during the crash. The 
 name ! At last four gallons of net rum, with four green- 
 room readings, produced this, (of course after one of the
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 39 
 
 usual bill-headings of "blood! blood!! blood!!! more 
 murder, more blood,") " The vampire monkey; or, the 
 maiden-and-child eater of Tchacasipapyagoos." The 
 programme to the first act was six inches; to the second, 
 eighteen ; and the third, the length of the preceding two ; 
 giving the most frightful accounts of the doings of these 
 savage genii. The weasel's fondness for blood was but 
 incipient, and his choice of victims coarse and impalat- 
 able, as compared with this dreadful monster of this 
 singularly named country. Old or young form no part 
 of the consideration of the first-named animal: but the 
 other! nothing but the selection of the most exquisitely 
 fair and tender maidens — palaces and bamboo huts were 
 alike unsafe — and lovely children, would at all content 
 the savoury stomach of this insatiable vampire. Thus 
 the great difficulty was overcome at last; and the inven- 
 tion was complimented by the entire establishment with the 
 most endearing epithets ; commencing with " screamer, " 
 " tearer," and ending in its being the opinion of the 
 whole corps, that it would be a " fearer," to all opposing 
 managements. 
 
 The machinery and situations being complete, the 
 rehearsal was looked to with the most lively feeling; 
 and as this was to be an Easter performance, there was 
 the whole of the passion-week, with of course increased 
 industry on the preceding Sunday, for the mastering of 
 the different difficulties which ever present themselves in 
 holiday pieces, or those whose calculations are for the 
 unprecedented run we have described. 
 
 In consequence of all this, Mr. Stratford had a full 
 fortnight (save rehearsals at night) for the display of his 
 new services at the establishment of the most renowned 
 Dr. Benzoni. 
 
 Jacky fitted on his livery just one hour before the 
 arrival of the patient — the worthy Colonel O'Craizem;
 
 40 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Jacky had a great number of duties pointed out to him 
 by the lady of the great doctor; one was, when he 
 attended to the door — meaning probably, to those who 
 wished to enter by that means — he was always to elicit 
 their business; and, if it were professional, he was to 
 ring a little bell ; if not, he was to admit them, excepting, 
 at all times, and most carefully too, beggars, petitions, 
 collectors, and thieves; and carry the nature of their 
 business to Madame Benzoni. He was always to ring 
 the bell tivice, if the patient had never been before, and 
 once if he had; and, whether or not, he was most 
 carefully to ring another bell in the lobby, and rattle 
 away at the knocker we have heard mention of, every 
 three minutes during the said patient's stay; taking 
 care, also, not to perform these acts whilst any strangers 
 might be waiting in the lobby, at the hall door, and 
 so on. 
 
 Jacky said he was ready; and had scarcely said so, 
 when the Colonel arrived; and being let in, Jacky dis- 
 covered some slight difficulty as to knowing whether this 
 was a new or partially cured patient : and, as Jacky was 
 ever wishful to distino^uish himself for his straio-htfor- 
 wardness and fair dealing, he asked the Colonel whether 
 he had come on household business or professional — was 
 he a tax-collector, or had he a petition, or — 
 
 " Oh ! you murderer of the reputation of a gintleman's 
 appearance. Don't you see I'm an Irishman? So, of 
 course, am a gintleman, and no Irish gintleman was ever 
 knowed to work — collect! I must have you discharged, 
 or I shall do the same to your master!" 
 
 "It's my first appearance here. I'm satisfied; walk 
 in, sir. Am I to have the honour of announcing you 
 perfessionally or otherwise?" 
 
 "Yillian! didn't I tell you I was a gintleman — an 
 Irish gintleman — when did you ever know a rale gin tie-
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 41 
 
 man to be perfessional? — another case of injustice to 
 Ireland — I'm not professional, you rascal!" 
 
 " I mean, do you visit the great Doctor Benzoni for 
 his advice, or — ^" 
 
 "Oh! that's what you mane? Oh! my visit is 
 professional." 
 
 Jacky rang the bell. 
 
 " Stay," said Jacky, bethinking himself; " is this the 
 first visit to the renowned doctor? or — " 
 
 "Why! what in the name of the devil, and all his 
 saints, can that have to do with it?" 
 
 Jacky shook his head. 
 
 " Come, sir, say, or else I'll brake this cane on one of 
 your three heads, you audacious descindent of Cerberus, 
 who was a mighty dog; you deginerate puppy." 
 
 " You will, sir?" 
 
 " I shall sure," said the Colonel preparing; " I'll have 
 a reason, for I suspect, sur, that this is another portion 
 of the injustice that has ever been heaped upon every 
 bit of bog in my country." 
 
 " I have rung this here bell once, now if yer has bin 
 here afore — '* 
 
 " Wotsh, in the namesh of the blessed virgin, is the 
 terrible noish about?" called the great Doctor Benzoni, 
 from the first landing of the stairs. " Sixteen ner- 
 voush casesh in the house, and one row in the hall I 
 Wotsh ish it? — ah. Colonel, walk forward. It ish all 
 through — ha ! I shee now — only one of the new 
 footmens : awkward boobies are these En owlish loutsh! 
 Give me Irish servantsh I shay, and always will shay 
 so." 
 
 " Upon my sowl, sur, if you calculate upon my pro- 
 tection, and patronage, I hope you will do no such thing. 
 The free sons of Ireland's green skies and blue fields, 
 were never made to be slaves ; and what else are ser-
 
 42 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 vants in this tyrant land? but wait till I have a sate, 
 and thin!" 
 
 The doctor was glad that Jacky's explanation had 
 not proceeded further: made up his mind to the fact, 
 that the new footman was a fool; and so most con- 
 descendingly desired the vexed Colonel to honour his 
 stairs with an ascent; and, to make atonement for the 
 stupidity of his servant, ushered him into his consulting 
 chamber at once. 
 
 " Ay," thought the indignant footman, as he seated 
 himself in the hall-chair " the master, and yon mad 
 patient, little thinks who is the individual as they have 
 been a insultin of. Ha, ha, ha ! if they did, it's not un- 
 likely but one would ha' been down on his knees, and 
 the other have sent his missus and a depetation of the 
 young ladies to entreat a pardon. Who would think 
 that these ere legs, arms, and slap-up carcass was only a 
 undergoin a disguise, and was the very materials as is 
 to prevent all the preparations at the Royal Sanspareil, 
 from being labour in vain — trying to be successful? 
 squeeze me ! but it is a precious nice feelin, is this ; 
 knowin how many millions are a thinkin and wonderin 
 what the great Monsieur Jacobarto — the greatest mon- 
 ster (in a monkey, or vampire consideration) in the world, 
 can be like ! Where he is ! what he is a doin of ! how 
 many hearts has been withered as secretly as apples in 
 a chest, for him ! Has he arrived in England, yet : 
 whether he prefers trotters to kidneys : rice-puddins, to 
 half-and-half: short pipes, to a drive in a tandem with 
 a band of music before, and all Whitechapel to pursue 
 after him as hard as they can. Squeeze me! but this 
 is cheesy; and if it wer'n't for this livery, I couldn't 
 survive my greatness a hour. I hope the grub is abun- 
 dant and of character in this establishment. A few 
 rather, I think, queer dodges in this mansion already.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 43 
 
 Do for incidents, should I ever turn myself to dramatical 
 authorship ; fine field for study. Ha, ha ! I'm squeezed 
 but that beein called a ^ lout ' ticldes me. ^ The monkey 
 vampire of — ' (I can't remember the country), a- 
 bringing out under my ^ immediate superincumbence.' 
 Ha, ha! and a Mout;' well, ha, ha!" 
 
 " Wotsh are you laughing at, there for, by yourselfs? 
 Here has been a patient in the house a quarter of a hour, 
 and you have never either given a knock or a ring yet, 
 you lazy fellow." 
 
 " I beg pardon, Madame Benzoni — " 
 
 " Now, just try to say ^madame,' without ^Benzoni;' 
 will you try, if you please? ' madame.' " 
 
 "I beg pardon, madame; you'll soon see I'll keep it 
 up." And the new footman of Dr. Benzoni's began to 
 whack at the knocker in such a rage, that poor Madame 
 Benzoni had to seize his arm, and bid him stay his* pro- 
 cess in thunder-making. 
 
 " You could but lay on that waysh, if you was at the 
 outside knocker and not one inside the house; just one 
 fourth will be just as loud in the waiting and consulting 
 chambers. Now, ring the bell!" 
 
 " Then, why don't you put plenty of bark afore the 
 front door?" 
 
 " Why, whatsh that for pray ? sir stupidish." 
 
 " Only, if they hear nothin but knocks and rings, they 
 may begin to wonder that they never hear the carriage 
 wheels, that's all. If you can hear one so plain, it's vast 
 queer there isn't a bit of a rattle with the carriage-and-six. 
 But bark the street pretty well, and then it's not likely 
 they could hear : besides, it would always look as if 
 somebody was dyin' in the house, and that's the way to 
 get practice, as folks in health always goes to some sea- 
 bathing places." 
 
 The lady began to knock intuitively; she was in a
 
 44 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 deep reverie, " oli ! have you ever lived with any great 
 doctors before, as you seemish to be so learned in these 
 affairs ? " 
 
 " W — hy ! no ; bur I was very thick with a under- 
 taker's lad, and he was up to a pinch or two of keen air. 
 Ay, he was a great friend of mine — oh, I'll play the 
 knocker business, madame ; but I do, I must say, regret 
 that the management isn't a little better ramificated. 
 There, madame, you perceive that'll do. I knocked, 
 runged, just as the coach put down next door. Now, if 
 you will permit me, madame, I'll hand you up stairs : 
 you talk loud, like the entry of a duchess on the stage 
 — that's the way to supply gammon upon a certain 
 principle." 
 
 The lady chatted to herself in Hebrew, and then 
 rattled away to her daughters, who were in the adjoining 
 apartment, in German; but whether high or low — that 
 is, the German — Jacky couldn't say : there could be no 
 doubt as to the loftiness or depression of the tone. 
 
 '' I think, afore long, there will be another performance 
 brought out under my immediate superincumbence. This 
 late rehearsing is rather botherin : I think I can get a 
 bit of a doze, and try if I can only dream of one or two 
 points for the vampire. There'll be no more ringing or 
 knocking wanted here until there's fresh arrangements 
 about the putting down, and ta-hing up — jolly good smell 
 for din-ner." And, very shortly, Mr. Stratford was 
 dreaming that he was walking on the ceiling of the Royal 
 Sanspareil; of course, head downwards. And whilst he 
 is so occupied, let us wait upon the great doctor and 
 Colonel O'Craizem. 
 
 The doctor had not been attempting the untwisting 
 of the Colonel's nose, though, certainly, there was not a 
 twist or turn in all the gallant patient's discourse, that 
 at all related to the fee, but he carefully noticed, and
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOE. 45 
 
 tried to twist into something like a reasonable reason 
 for his undertaking so extraordinary a cure. 
 
 " Besides," continued the Colonel, "as to the certainty 
 of the old lady paying you handsomely, I'll allow you to 
 make use of my name in all the papers : I'll permit you 
 to refer to one of the principal hotels, whilst in the 
 metropolis, and to the castle of my ancistry whin on my 
 travels with my bride : the answers I'll have ready written 
 — be my soul, I can be doing that while the operation 
 is in performing, since you say it will take a fortnight at 
 laste — some two or three thousand or so. One good 
 turn deserves a corresponding return — effect that to the 
 unfortunate bar to ten thousand a-year, and I'll be your 
 lasting reference so long as you will find pens and paper : 
 change me name every time if you like ! " 
 
 " For all this, of coursh, I allow one hundred and fifty 
 pounds; but you cannot, mine deer frien, swops an old 
 w^atch for a new ones! Two hundredsh and fifty is mine 
 demandsh: so, that will be only one hundreds to pay. 
 A gold snuflf-box or so, as a present — stay, I'll show" the 
 good it will do you — that ; I will have engraves all your 
 gratitude for my wonderfuls cures at the top. Ah, 
 that ish grandsh! Then if the happy Mrs. O'Craizem 
 should send to Madame Benzoni a diamond — ah, well, 
 wotsh she likesh — necklace or so, that will be another 
 soubject for all the newspapers in the world. Bout, 
 however, all this we can think about when I have made 
 you the finest mans in the creations. Only the one hun- 
 dredsh in advanch, and then proceedsh at once: cure, 
 cure is most certains." 
 
 " But, as an Irishman, I must protest against it. I 
 don't care if the charge is a thousand when complete; 
 but it's a principle, even with the nobility of my country, 
 never to pay in advance — barring railway fares, and 
 those of the opera, but no other; even for bribery they
 
 46 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 wait until the work is done: and weddings, christenings, 
 or mortgage-stamps, they take a three years' account!" 
 
 " Well, but I am toldsh that you make the tenantry 
 to pay in advanch." 
 
 "Poh! the plebs; of course, both before and afther; 
 but which of them would care for a twist in his nose? 
 No, upon the high descint of my ancistors, I dont like 
 the principle; and, I must say, I feel a fearful revival 
 of my first impressions, when I had the honour of an 
 introduction to the renowned Dr. Benzoni." 
 
 " And whats wash that, mine deer?" 
 
 " That you were a Jew." 
 
 " Ha, ha, I shall put your minds at rest upon thats 
 for ever; but stay, this you say is the add^^esh of the 
 rich lady that ish to honour you with her hands? 
 Wait till I fetch my diplomashes — wait till I satishfy 
 your mind." And, at once, the great professor vacated 
 the room, leaving the Colonel in possession of the full- 
 length mirror. All was right but the nose. 
 
 " And now. Colonels, once and for all, about your sus- 
 picions," said the doctor, entering the room with a bundle 
 of parchments. " In the first places, you see that glass 
 cabinet. Well, all those presents have been sent me by 
 the different courtsh in the worldsh, for mine cures. 
 Now for the other businessh — about being a Jeiv. In 
 the first place, did you ever know one of that wicked 
 races practish with a diplomash ? Never. These wretches 
 who calls themselves ' consulting surgeons,' surgeons ! 
 devils ! authors of ' Silands Friendsh' — fiendsh ! pro- 
 prietors of ^Marone Pills,' and the like, are all scamps: 
 uneducated, without diplomash, or anythings save their 
 cunnings, and impudensh of their nationsh ; and I heartily 
 pray on my neesh, to see the daysh when such hideous 
 monstersh may be drive from the landsh. No, mine frien, 
 here's a diplomash in every language. And here ish
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 47 
 
 a book I am writing against the wickedness of these 
 dirty peeples : now look at one of my comparisonsh ; 
 read for yourselfsh — there, there ish a passage will warm 
 your hearts if you hate 'em as I do : read — " 
 
 " ' As impudent as a young Jewy as loud spoken as a 
 rich one, and as ignorant as an old oneV Bravo!" said 
 the Colonel; "I must say, there can be no doubt afther 
 that. Ha, ha, ha, by my soul if you were to devote a 
 life to the scheme, you could not be more metaphysical 
 in your description. Well, I am satisfied about your 
 religion; but am still bothered about your principle of 
 advance, statistically, scientifically, and, as being a part 
 of the injustice to Ireland — I must object to it." 
 
 Both doctor and Colonel had been proceeding in their 
 respective ways, for a quarter of an hour, when a tremen- 
 dous announcement was heard; and, in one minute, the 
 door of the consulting chamber was thrown open, and in 
 tottered the very lady who, it w^as affirmed, would col- 
 lapse with the Colonel, when his nasal impertinence had 
 been reduced to order and beauty. 
 
 " O ! Colonel," faintly uttered the lady, falling into his 
 fixed embrace — that is, she was naturally very weak, 
 with some little infirmity of age, and none of purpose, so 
 tottered, and the gallant, of course, caught her in his 
 arms. "Is this your honour? this your undying love? 
 Oh! oh!" 
 
 " I will leave the roomsh for one moment." And the 
 doctor did, but not so far but he could hear all which 
 passed. 
 
 " To what blessed event, madam, am I to ascribe the 
 honour of this visit? Did I leave my note-case upon 
 your bureau? for, bad luck to me, I've lost it!" 
 
 " O, cruel man! to ask such a question at such a mo- 
 ment! to think about a note-case, when Love, Love, 
 Love in his romance, Love with his wings, his bowers,
 
 48 THE LORD or THE MANOE. 
 
 and rippling streams, his meadows and mossy banks, his 
 pipes and his garlands — " 
 
 " I know, dearest Daphne ; and wait till we get into his 
 kingdom, and then won't we frisk it with the lambs : but, 
 my charming she, what could have brought you here? — 
 unless, as I say, it was to run after me with my note-case 
 — I have certainly lost it somewhere, and have come out 
 without a mutton chop in my pocket — I mane the price 
 of one." 
 
 " Is this your love for me, Lenardo?" 
 
 "(I find I must go to work for a quarter of an hour, 
 or no money, and it's clear the doctor won't start with- 
 out.) Love for you, let this prove." And the Colonel 
 dealt out the most tender salutes nearly for the time 
 specified; also telling the lady the cause of his visit, 
 and expressing an earnest desire as to the reason of 
 hers. 
 
 " Well, now that I know that you are true to me, I 
 will tell you : a young lady of very considerable beauty, 
 and, I should say, education, came, breathlessly, into my 
 room, after rushing past the hall-porter, and told me that 
 she had seen you walk into this very house ; that you were 
 paying attentions to one of the most beautiful creatures in 
 the world, who resided therein; and that she was con- 
 vinced you were playing me false. I had no time to ask 
 how she became acquainted with my position as regarded 
 you; but, O! could I have been worthy my Lenardo if 
 I had not rushed on Zephyr's wings to prove the terrible 
 story false? And now to think I come merely to find 
 you in consultation with your physician. O, wicked 
 spirits fly away w^ith the jealous pang, and countless 
 good ones repose my fluttering heart!" 
 
 " Here's ten towards them." And the Colonel again 
 commenced the saluting season. " But of all the bother- 
 ing jobs — this note-case."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 49 
 
 " O, the foolish thought, unworthy in a heart which 
 something else more delightful should alone occupy!" 
 
 "Bother me, Daphne; but then, there was the very 
 fee in it that I was going to pay the doctor here ! there's 
 the mud of it. He'll not practise — that is, all his prac- 
 tice is upon the pay-in-advance system; a system, I grant 
 you, which is a national disgrace ; but one that shall never 
 sully the glory of my proud country." 
 
 " That is certainly very unlucky ; and more especially, 
 since it is no less than the fourth time you have met with 
 a similar accident. I should not care, but really I can 
 perceive that my man of business is becoming very in- 
 quisitive as to what I do with my money of late. Refer 
 the doctor to your friend. Lord O'Crash, if he 
 does not know your family — it would be indelicate, 
 you know, to send him to me, particularly after my 
 visit here — and when you receive your rents, you 
 know — but why should business ever chill the heart? 
 There should be no icebergs in the court of Love. 
 Let every gale be charmed from flowery grove and 
 spicy — " 
 
 " That, my Daphne, is spicy enough : but I am come 
 here to be made the finest man in the world, and what, 
 in the name of a whole continent of ice, with thousands 
 of white bears and seal-furs, is a hundred pounds until 
 my rints come? Look, Daphne, if you have any small 
 change about you." 
 
 " Why, Colonel, I can let you have it until your rents 
 come, but really I must have it back, or what my steward 
 will say — " 
 
 " Your steward! me, Daphne: 'pon the conscience of 
 the man who is going to suffer so much for your sake, I 
 wish my steward would interfere about such trifles! I 
 know what I would say ! " 
 
 " Well, you wiU be sure to let me have it back in a 
 
 E
 
 50 THE LOKD OF THE MA]!^OK. 
 
 few days : here, here it is. You see, you men, how mighty 
 Love can work!" 
 
 (" Ha, ha, ha, that's thrue : he's earned me another 
 hundred, which certainly shows he's some industry.) 
 And let this, and this thank — " 
 
 " Ah! I beg pardonsh a thousands timesh; and — but 
 I beg pardons — an ish this the ladysh that you have so 
 oftens told me ish the handshomist womans in the living 
 worlds?" 
 
 "Living or dead!" proudly exclaimed the Colonel. 
 
 "I agreesh, I agreesh: happy, happy, O, moosht 
 happy colonel ! I am sorry to disturb so mouch happiness ; 
 but thish ish my grand consulting-room — twenty-three 
 patience waiting! — perhaps the Countess would honour 
 Madame Benzoni with taking a little refreshments? (O, 
 what beautiful lady ! ") The last sentence the good doctor 
 uttered as though not wishing to be heard, but unfortu- 
 nately was, by the very much offended Countess. 
 
 The doctor rang a bell, and a female domestic enter- 
 ing, the doctor told her to conduct the Countess to her 
 mistress, Madame Benzoni. 
 
 The Colonel was about to follow, when the Jew just 
 tapped him upon the shoulder, and said, " now mine fee ." 
 
 " O, well, I don't mind twenty, down, but I've not a 
 hundred in the world, until my steward — " 
 
 The Jew looked stiffly at the soldier. 
 
 " That is, that I can spare just now." 
 
 " Look you, mine frien," said the doctor, very emphati- 
 cally, " I've reasons to believe that you will have to stay 
 a month in the housh you now are in at leasht. I think 
 I have discover why your great hate to the Jews; for 
 there ish two very suspicious-looking fellows at the back 
 and front of mine house jusht now — " 
 
 The Colonel changed colom\ 
 
 " Ah," thought the Jew, " I'm right. One of them
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 51 
 
 ish a sherlffsh's officer I know well: he ash been asklns: 
 the porter — ah, don't be afraid, Colonel; I happens to 
 hear whats was going on, and so I answer him mine self. 
 You musht stay in this house one months, just whilst 
 the scents gets chilly. Now the hundredsh, and your 
 nosch put right: get married here, in thish house, in 
 private, and thens— " 
 
 " Let the infernal race of Israel go to the devil ; eh 
 Doctor? " 
 
 " The hundredsh, quick ; you see I ams your saviours ! " 
 
 " You will give me the price of a week's washing and 
 a spree at the theatres, out of it?" 
 
 " Chertingly, chertingly, mine deer frien, you can have 
 a ten-pounds whenever you choose, if that ish all." 
 
 " Here it is, then, just give me the ten out." 
 
 " O chertingly: stay, thank you Colonel: I'll go get 
 some change from madame." 
 
 " Take care those fiends of Israelitish beagles don't get 
 up stairs!" 
 
 " Chertingly, mine deer frien." And the Jew went 
 out. 
 
 And we think we could not do better than follow him, 
 for a minute, as he is going to do what a very good hus- 
 band and parent should do — that is, to take his honest 
 earnings to the bosom of his family. 
 
 "Have you got the money?" demanded Madame 
 Benzoni, and, also, the only lady of the establishment who 
 was not chatting with the Countess. 
 
 " Here, my dears, here is the sum : but he wants ten 
 out." 
 
 " Wants what?" exclaimed the two ladies: "give him 
 two, and take an I, O, for it," said the daughter. 
 
 " What a fool you are, Ruth : two ! indeed, more likely 
 two shillings. How shall we ever get him out of the 
 house if he has two pounds. The idea, a long Irishman 
 
 ilBRARY
 
 52 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 with two whole sovereigns in his pocket ! Why, he would 
 be knocking the chandeliers down, or some such mad- 
 ness." 
 
 " Well, but how will you get quit of him? for unless 
 you can get another hundred or so — see how the monster 
 is robbing yon poor idiot who is in the next room — better 
 frighten her home, or else they may attempt to make out 
 some case of conspiracy — these mad wretches, when 
 they have lost their money, will swear anything : nor do 
 people, of this country, care how much they affect to 
 believe against our poor persecuted nation." 
 
 " Oh, make yourself happy, my love : I have a plan 
 that will send him away quickly enough." 
 
 " Not by setting his nose straight," laughed both the 
 ladies at once. 
 
 " No, but, I'll tell you, father, how you might manage : 
 tell him that it is essential to your plan, that he must 
 have no light : shut him up in a dark room : put his nose 
 into a vice : give him nothing for diet but physic, and 
 surely that would cure him," said the daughter. 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha, very good, my dear: very good, but you 
 will see you have much to leaiTi before you attain the 
 cunning of your father. No, my love, I can get quit of 
 him without all that: ha, ha, ha!" 
 
 " How?" demanded both ladies. 
 
 " I have discovered that he is afraid of arrest — nay, 
 there is no doubt, but that there is an execution against 
 him. I shall put his nose in a vice to-morrow, as agreed ; 
 and then go and search the books — but my friend Moses, 
 the sheriff, will at once tell me who holds it: let the 
 holder know, and if he takes the worthy Colonel away — 
 why how could I cure him? — unless of one thing — his 
 scepticism as to the prudence of always being paid in 
 
 ADVANCE." 
 
 '^ Ha, ha, ha! capital: take the wretch up five shillings;
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 53 
 
 and this affair, it is to be hoped, will break him off his 
 lazy tricky habits : and be an example to all such gintle- 
 men that his country sends to swindle this peaceful land." 
 ^. " To swindle a lady in a hundred pounds!" 
 
 " In a hundred pounds ! " 
 
 " In a hundred pounds : beside, we never could have 
 got it from him if Ruth had not managed to get the old 
 idiot here, Kuth must be rewarded : good girl."
 
 54 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Lest the reader may feel somewliat surprised at the 
 difference of the pronunciation of the family of Dr. 
 Benzoni, as seen in our last chapter, we must explain — 
 the language in which they last made these merry 
 remarks, was German, hence the excellence of their or- 
 thoepy — our business being merely to give an honest 
 translation. 
 
 After being so long with the good family of this institu- 
 tion, let us look at and about their new domestic — Mr. 
 Stratford. 
 
 Jacky had received a note from the Sanspareil manage- 
 ment, stating the time of another rehearsal : and Jacky, 
 at that time, not being quite up to the deciphering of 
 written hand, made a mistake of two days: but having 
 a message to that part of the town in which stood the 
 renowned theatre of his debut, he was staggered by see- 
 ing a large lithograph-plate with a portrait of, " Professor 
 Costello :" '^ the greatest artist, in the monster line, in 
 the world!" There was the portrait, surely enough: a 
 large drawing in the centre; and round it were small 
 vignettes, showing portions of the professor's astounding 
 feats; such as his birth amongst thousands of hobgob- 
 lins, singularly formed bats, and the most sinister-looking 
 owls you can imagine. Then his first attempt at catch- 
 ing just such another singular-looking gentleman as 
 himself — in a beautiful lake, — but without success. His
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 55 
 
 first attempt to take a little sucking baby — with the 
 greatest success — although pursued by thousands of its 
 friends and relatives. But see how determined he be- 
 comes when he gets to the maiden department ! Walk- 
 ing along ceilings: up perpendicular walls. His hours 
 of recreation : — eating his victims at the top of a palm 
 tree. Amusement and hours of rest: — hanging himself 
 by a rope, in which state, though a regular noose round 
 the jugular, he always takes his sleep. Surprise! chase 
 by skeleton dogs, horses, and counter fiends — for eating 
 a ghost — forbidden by the laws of all nations. Three 
 views of the hunt: final retribution: spirits of all his 
 victims arise. Bloody appearance of the moon. The 
 heavens speak! the earth is rent (very much) asunder. 
 Annihilation of the monster ! ! ! ! 
 
 Jacky's heart sank within him, not at reading out the 
 account of the monster's progress — which he did in less 
 than half-an-hour, — not at seeing the scores of notes of 
 admiration in which the announcement abounded (al- 
 though we have only placed four) nor at the dreadful 
 atrocity of the business the monster had to wade through 
 — no, but to find that a fresh monster had been engaged : 
 for not only was the name different from the one in which 
 he was to appear, — but the present gentleman was a 
 " professor" — and one thing put all at rest — the portrait ! 
 
 Jacky went back to the doctor's in the greatest 
 humiliation. 
 
 Next morning, however, he was resolved to loiter in the 
 neighbourhood of the theatre in which all these things 
 were to be done; and he took care to meet — as if by 
 chance — the prompter. That good man actually em- 
 braced Mr. Stratford: asked him where ever he could 
 have put himself, that not only the management, but the 
 entire metropolis was in the greatest excitement and 
 alarm, lest he should have been either abducted or would
 
 56 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 not appear. That they had tried all their means to find 
 him, but without success : and that he must, at once, go 
 and gild the lights of all their new Eastern scenery by 
 his presence at the theatre. 
 
 Jacky saw there had been some mistake, but could 
 not exactly tell where it was. 
 
 " Oh," said he, " in yer — your last note, to me, you 
 only fixed for to-day; I was just a goin up there now: 
 I've been a studyin hard! I was not aware that I could 
 have made a mistake : beside, you have not got the bills 
 out yet?" 
 
 Jacky thought that this would be a feeler: if they 
 were out, why, he had been too great a man to see them, 
 that was all: if the terrible lithography was one — why, 
 this would lead to an explanation : that was, likewise, all. 
 
 " Not got them out !" exclaimed the astonished promp- 
 ter, " why, my dear young Mend, there is nothing else 
 out ; unless it be all the city to see them ! here come to 
 the next window," continued the other proudly ; " ha, 
 ha, my young friend, what do you think of that?" 
 demanded the prompter as they arrived at a small-barber's 
 shop-window, in which was one of the very prints which 
 had so much pained Mr. Stratford. 
 
 " Ah, I see," said the intended hero of the Sanspareil, 
 " but what has that ere to do with me?" 
 
 " Good heavens ! what has it to do with you ! why 
 sir, don't you see that it gives all your principal incidents, 
 feats, and tableaux? and there, in the middle, sits the 
 great professor himself! there is spirit in a management 
 for you! what other theatre, in the world, would have 
 taken such pains to bring you out ?" 
 
 " Bring me out?" looked Jacky. 
 
 " Why, you know, Mr. Stratford, although your friends 
 may entertain a great opinion of your attainments, still the 
 public — be not offended, sir, but the public — the public ! "
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 57 
 
 "Well! yon's a funny portrait!" Jacky said tins in 
 a way so as not to let out, or take in, too much. 
 
 " Why, as to that, is it not Mr. Stratford's own fault? 
 If he was away at the time he was to sit for his portrait, 
 whose fault is that? the artist waited two hours — still 
 no sitter; the management could not wait; they must 
 be in time — speed is everything in a management — so, 
 my dear sir, the portrait had to be done in your ab- 
 sence." 
 
 Jacky was in ecstasies, but did not wish to be too 
 prompt with the gentleman of the Eoyal Sanspareil, 
 knowing well that it might be his business to prompt 
 the management in the day, as well as the actors at 
 night. 
 
 " Oh ! then that was the way it wan't more like ? the 
 drawin master never a seein on me — " 
 
 "And, not recollecting you, he had to do it "from 
 memory!''^ The old gentleman had twigged a bit — there 
 had evidently been a case of incipient jealousy — actor's 
 jealousy. The old gentleman was resolved to see if the 
 symptoms had abated, or were entirely gone. 
 
 " Well, well ! of course ; what could he do else ? but 
 what is the meaning of calling me another name ? the 
 one that I was to come out in — * Costello' wan't the 
 one, but ' Jackobarti ' — there surely could be no reason 
 to do that by memory, too? because such work alto- 
 gether puzzles mine ; I could not recollect it." 
 
 "(Damn it!" thought the old actor and prompter, 
 " the monkey has thought that he has been shoved out 
 of the part altogether ; ho, ho ! ) — Why, the fact is, it 
 was thought a more taking name than the other — more 
 poetical, more classical ; indeed, this is what I was going 
 to mention — it took me two sleepless nights to invent 
 it! Of course, I need not record the fact, that for this 
 piece of service you'll not think of passing the prompt-
 
 58 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 er*s corner, when returning from the treasury — the first 
 time you honour it with a demand — without seeing how 
 I am, after my intense labours to make you. I took a 
 liking to you, or else I should not have shattered my 
 brains in the way I did." 
 
 " Well, of course, I am obliged: then, if you invented 
 the last name, at so much cost and labour, pray who 
 nogered their turnips to find out the first — ' Professor'? " 
 
 '^ Damn that ! I did not see that. — Here, come this 
 way ; you'll not betray me ? I did it ! " 
 
 " Well ! and are you ashamed of it, then ? It cer- 
 tainly made staggerbobs of me, when I first diskivered 
 it!" 
 
 " (I am right, he had seen the plate before.) — Ashamed 
 of it, my dear boy ? ashamed of being the making of a 
 young debutant? ashamed of placing excellence fairly 
 before the public ? No ! " said the other, solemnly ; 
 " when I am ashamed of turning the wheel on which a 
 rising star shall gain its meridian in the high vaulted 
 heaven of the celestial spheres, then say I am ashamed, 
 but not before!" And then the prompter seized the 
 hand of the young aspirant, placed one of his own before 
 his eyes, and Jacky could easily tell that his patron had 
 burst into tears, by the twitching in his grasp, and broken 
 sobs. 
 
 " Oh I come," said the very young to the old actor, 
 " don't take it hot that way : a drop hot, in another way, 
 is very cheerin ! I would rather split into pieces than 
 burst into tears — though splittin and burstin are words 
 that conveys no unpleasantness to me, so that they are 
 follered by another passion, then I shouldn't mind havin 
 a Jit ! see how I laugh — ha, ha, ha ! " And, of course, 
 Jacky wept : the grandeur of the information, its sud- 
 denness, its extent, and above all, the goodness of the 
 feeling old gentleman — who still held his hand so tightly
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 59 
 
 that it pressed more juice out of the eyes of poor Jacky 
 — undid him quite. 
 
 " Ashamed of it ? now, mark ! the management will 
 have no objection for me to squeeze the orange of your 
 bounty, when you leave the treasury, for the invention 
 of the name ; but, the professorship, they intend to own : 
 it's true, they paid the fees — some two guineas or so — 
 but what is that? wont they get the benefit of it? to 
 be sure they will; but 'twas I who did it, planned it, 
 and so represented your talent to the lords of the admi- 
 ralty, spiritual and ghostly, that they granted your 
 diploma at once — particularly when I said you were an 
 orphan, and, without refiection, my friend, had a dissi- 
 pated mother — but I need not tell you what it is to have 
 weight at the horse-guards." Then the prompter dug a 
 hole through his coat and waistcoat at once, and placed 
 his warm hand to his swollen heart. 
 
 Jacky put both his hands in his pockets, tried to 
 whistle ; and, though cautious not to snivel, he did not 
 succeed in either of his intentions, but at last got out a 
 few words ; which words had for their object — what the 
 management expected for all their goodnesses ? 
 
 " Ten pounds is the squeeze ! Of course I dare not 
 speak; nay, even one word from you, of what I have 
 told you, and you lay your benefactor — where one of 
 his beloved daughters lies — in Ches — Ches — Cheshire 
 churchyard I " 
 
 " Don't mix cold with hot in that way ; what can be 
 worse Aveather than hailstones and thunder? d'ye think 
 I am the same vampire off the stage as, by yer goodness, 
 I shall be on? No! I've a heart; and if it wur not a 
 pretty tidy one, how could I have made all the young 
 ladies of your company weep so, when I was rehearsing 
 the baby-eating — granchin at stuffed bran? And, you'll 
 see, I'll cause some brine to flow the first week — in short.
 
 60 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 how could I be so cruel, if I warn't so feelin? You 
 shall have the ten pounds, old fellow; let the manage- 
 ment be content with a dozen of champagne. I'm sure 
 to succeed! Never think any more about the Cheshire 
 churchyard; I was born in that town, so I've been told. 
 And I say, sin' I'm never to say a word about all this, 
 let me beg of you to defer a similar favor on me : even 
 though it may be true, never mention the dissipation of 
 my mother! If I'm born to distinction, never let it be 
 through informin the world that she w4io gave me life, 
 and must have watched over me— or else I'd bin a grig, 
 instead of the gentleman who can run up a gable-end — 
 that she had infirmities, and that her son had not feelin 
 or honour enough to conceal them !"
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOK. 61 
 
 CHAPTEE VII. 
 
 " So, by the left side of a sovereign, old prompter 
 Cousins was right ; I am a ^professor,* and ^ Costello' is 
 to be my theatrical name, Italy my nation, Benzoni's 
 to be my dwelling-place, a golden rope for a watch- 
 guard, and gold-headed stick my station ! That re- 
 hearsal last night was what Billy Kent calls a conic 
 section ; it was a puzzler I I must not tell poor Billy all 
 at once about my degrees; it might make him faint. I 
 don't know what I shall, eventually, have to do with 
 him — I am now speakin of after life. It is to me the 
 most screamin thing, as how he can won all the prices at 
 school, and yet be such a precious little baby. Dang 
 me ! only to think that yesterday, when I went out to 
 take a little airin arter bisiness — ha, ha ! bisiness of Dr. 
 Benzoni's — that there he was a watchin for me at the 
 corner of the street — ay, two hours; and what for? 
 ha, ha ! I livin in one of the best grubbed houses in the 
 west — to bring me a little tart, for fear I should never 
 have had anythin nice sin' I left his grandmother's em- 
 ploy ! Yes, and bless me if he did not bring one to the 
 back-door, for the cook; desirin on her not to let me 
 starve ; said he would bring her a nice book if she would 
 be kind to me. Bless me, but that chap always makes 
 me cry. Dash me, if he finds out when I am to make 
 my grand deboot, he'll be there a settin up a scream, 
 or kickin up some such fun. Well, as I never had a
 
 62 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 soul to look arter me in this world, I must make it up 
 by lookin a good deal arter him : but then he's such a 
 funny chap ; he does not give a friend a chance of ser- 
 vin on him, as I have told him, I'd mill a lad or two for 
 him any day; but, as he never makes any enemies, why 
 there's none to whop — nay, the whoppin is all on his 
 side. So we see what a awkward thing it is to be a 
 friend to such a chap : he brings me tarts, but never a 
 customer as has been a puttin upon him. 
 
 " This place suits me crash ; only six hours a day, 
 nights to myself — oh! the master's private bell. A 
 private audience ! there'll not be one next Monday night, 
 I'm a-thinkin, at the Sanspareil : some more hints for 
 study from the good doctor — I think I have quite got 
 information enough about the doctor's present and early 
 career, to put the screw upon him a bit — curly-headed 
 impidence assist me! I must make a man-of-the-world 
 of myself in this seminary. The heads for study will be 
 ^ struggling virtue,' and the ^ amiable bisiness,' under 
 Professor Kent — I can superintend the calesthenico and 
 passion departments — and ^ villany, in all its takin forms 
 and pop^r paces,' by the renowned Dr. Benzoni." 
 
 After this day-dream, Jacky walked slowly up stairs, 
 but still could not help slight snatches at soliloquy as he 
 ascended. 
 
 " Villany, under the renowned Dr. Benzoni; well, I 
 hope I shall not take it in in such quantities as to prevent 
 me buying my mother a new dress out of my first guinea; 
 pay the amount due to the worthy Mr. Cousins, with 
 interest at common-gratitude per cent, as long as I live. 
 Buy Mrs. Kent a new shawl, and present her with Pro- 
 fessor Costello's portrait, richly glazed, and the frame 
 done brown and goold: and as to Master Kent, there must 
 be somethin done for him more permanent — get him to 
 be my travelling secretary, and teach me a more distinct
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 63 
 
 knowledge of round-hand : how to bank my salary, and 
 where would be the best place to lay in an estate, to 
 live at when retired from the excitements of public life." 
 
 " Come, whotsh a time you are in coming since I ring: 
 well, I have wanted a long times to have a chat with you 
 about the Lady Kent, and the Honourable Master Kent 
 — the last one's namesh is not in the blue-book, mine 
 frien?" 
 
 " Nor in the black one neither, nor ever will be." 
 
 " Ha, ha, well, don't look vex : I want to speak a words 
 with you, and of your late patrons another time. Madame 
 Benzoni say she ish convinch you are a very bad boy, 
 very deep boy, and persues after bad habits at great rates, 
 and other womens!" 
 
 " Indeed, sir ! " 
 
 " Well then, whotsh have you to say to all this?" 
 
 "That I am too polite to contradict a lady at* any 
 time; and the feedin is too good, the work too easy, of 
 this Institution, to select, as my first breach in my good 
 manners, its mistress and mine." 
 
 " (Damned deep boy, I'm convinced — madame is right ; 
 I'll try him again.) Well, that ish a good replies, but, 
 of course, admits the chargesh to be correct. Now, I 
 don't dishlike you any worse for being a cunning fellow 
 — if you will employ it in my services and nobody's else 
 — I mean in my bishness, mine professhin. In every 
 trades there ish little secrets what good and honest slier- 
 vants should never divulge: you mind me?" and the 
 bulky doctor looked virtuously impressive. 
 
 " Eat a man's bread, wear his livery, fall asleep in his 
 hall-chair, go early home at nights, come late in a 
 
 morning — " 
 
 "And betrays hish confidence?'* 
 " No ! get his wages and cannot be turned ofi" without 
 a month's warning: why, what more would he have? un-
 
 64 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 less he was to marry the daughter, and be taken into 
 partenership when his good old master begun to fall off 
 in his meat and work." 
 
 " Bravo, you have almost work me to tears ; (he's 
 either a great fool or a terrible young villain) why, that 
 ish jusht what I want: a shervant so faithfuls, honest to 
 me, that, when I am tired and done, I, instead of taking 
 him into partenerships, say, ^ Here, mine good frien, mine 
 faithful — ^no longer mine shervant — here, here, take mine 
 place' — and give him all!" 
 
 " Here's my hand, doctor; may that day soon arrive." 
 
 " (Ha, I think, after all, he's but a fool — what I've 
 said wiU make him a faithful shervant, at any rate.) 
 Well now, mine frien, to the main point — what do you 
 take me for? Of coursh you have seen a thing or two 
 sinch you came here — that ringing the bell, knocking 
 at the doors — " 
 
 " Sham door?" 
 
 " Wotsh I mean: findings out as to how oftens the 
 visitors have come here — " 
 
 "And the young ladies always a-going into the 
 waiting-room, and tellin about your wonderful cures — " 
 
 " Ha, ha, very goot, very goot, (must be a fool,) ex- 
 actly; the young ladies chatting just to entertain those 
 who have to wait — " 
 
 "When, in point of fact, they have no occasion to 
 wait at all — " 
 
 " True, true, vera true : weUs then, don't be afear to 
 speak; whots do you think I am?" 
 
 Jacky was puzzled; but still he thought he hiew; and 
 not wishing the doctor to have a mean opinion of his 
 penetration, at once looked at him. 
 
 " Ay now, out with it : what do you think — come, 
 why hesitate, whots do you think I am?" 
 
 " A Jew-impostor."
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. Q5 
 
 "A what?" shouted Benzoni, immediately jumping 
 to his feet, and lifting his easy-cliair for the purpose of 
 crashing the other down. " What you say?" 
 
 " Now, what's the row for?" demanded Jacky, lifting 
 his own chair for the purpose of parrying the intended 
 descent of that of the doctor. 
 
 " What do you calls me? you, you infernals villain.'* 
 The chair still up. 
 
 '^ Poph, poph, I called you nothin; I only gave you a 
 straightforward answer to a equally pointed reply. Why 
 did yer put it so strong? That's what the novels calls 
 yer — ask Mrs. Kent, who takes one at a penny a-week, 
 as does it regiar." 
 
 " (Ha, the lad's a fool, but with an amazing penetra^- 
 tion.) Sit you down: these are very hard names." 
 
 " Why, what nonsense; it's only to them as feels 'em; 
 I've heard such establishments as ours called ' Jew- 
 impostors' all my life ; and, of course, I thought that that 
 was the name of them. All those dirty little bills up and 
 down town, are always called ' Jew-impostors' — slop- 
 shops, ' Jew-impostors. ' Quack advertisements we 
 always call ' Jew-impostors,' and so on : v/atch-guards, 
 seals, and mock-silver pencil-cases, have always been 
 called the same. (By George, I'd nearly gone too far!)" 
 
 The doctor stroked his hair up, got up, walked up — 
 and down the room, and though he turned his eyes up, 
 he seemed as if it would be some time before he could 
 look up — that is, in a worldly sense — if ever he could 
 do it more. 
 
 ^^ (If I can only stun the audience, on Monday night, 
 as much, I shall — oh, he's a-rallyin — I've heard Mrs. Kent 
 read, it would be far more easier to cheat a Jew than 
 to shame him.)" 
 
 " Mine frien; I dare say you perceive me much afflict, 
 not at anything you have said as affects me ; but to find
 
 6^ THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 that a peeples who wash (as you have read in your 
 Pibles) chosen by the mosht high of all, should meet 
 with such disgracefuls persecution from those whose 
 educations would never have been, but for our teaching; 
 as we give them the book I've name. Not a trade 
 or calling can our unhappy nation turn their attentions 
 to, but, as you have said, it ish called that odious 
 names which I will not repeat. Now since we, that is, 
 I mean the Jews, are the oldesht peeple, the wishest 
 peeple — give you your laws and commandments — the 
 chosen peeple ! ish it not mosht likely that they should 
 be the moral standard, and that it ish you who depart 
 from it, and, of coursh, make common enemy with others, 
 as the vile ever calls the virtuous? Ish it not curious 
 that Jews are always rich, always feed well; have every 
 enjoyments this world can obtain for them; every luxury 
 — their vile abusers not one of these, and never share 
 above an average poverties ; nay, the kings and all their 
 governments pawned to the Jews — dosh not all thish 
 prove which ish right, which ish yet elect? Yesh, the 
 Jews wash the chosen of this world, and own it to thish 
 vera hour. Thus," continued the doctor, in a most 
 pompous manner — having completely recovered his self- 
 possession — " you should imitate that wonderfuls peeple ; 
 not always abuse them!" 
 
 " Ay, ay, but who is to do the work? who is to make 
 the corn grow — bring the butter to market — take back 
 the stuff that will make the grass grow — fetch us our 
 coals — ^build us our houses — pave our streets — row our 
 boats — dig our wells — " 
 
 " Why, you, you, you, you — you, you old Jack 
 Straddle — your white-faced nation; you smock-faced 
 inheritorsh of toil : you, who are glads to wear our livery, 
 and brightensh our brass knockers, our ^ Medical Institu- 
 tion' plates, our dishes and pans: you, who was destined
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 67 
 
 to supply our coiFers with monish and effects, our houses 
 with grandeur, our larders with the choicests food — 
 leaving the coarsest for these accursth workers of the 
 soil: our women with the richest wear; our men with 
 the choicest women; our — but I'll tear your livery off 
 your back ! '* And the furious doctor seized Jacky, and 
 was beginning to drag off his finery, when entered Ma- 
 dame Benzoni, three daughters, and another lady, of 
 course of the same nation. 
 
 " Why, in the name of Abraham, what is to do?" de- 
 manded all the ladies at once — that is, varying Abraham 
 for Benjamin, Israel, and so on. Still the doctor cried 
 out, " Sthrip, sthrip you, or I shall hang you as sure as 
 wash ever the son of David." 
 
 " Whatever is to do?" once more demanded the ladies. 
 
 " Sthrip, I say." 
 
 " Well, order out the ladies, then, or let me go tamy 
 own room." 
 
 " Go, then, to your rooms." 
 
 " Certainly." And Jacky crossed the floor, and was 
 going to fling himself through the door, when, thinking 
 it looked like a cowardly retreat, and certainly very un- 
 like the conduct of a Professor^ he turned back. The 
 doctor was in the arms of his family: Jacky walked up 
 to this very interesting tableau, and said, ^^I suppose, 
 however, you'll admit one thing — that I'd the best of 
 the argument?'* 
 
 The doctor and family were again stunned. 
 
 " And pray, Sare Jack Straddle, for what fors muslit 
 I admit that?" 
 
 " Because you got to blows, and I could afford peace." 
 
 " Get off — off your clothes or I shall go mads; this 
 comes of taking you villains without a character ! " 
 
 " Well, if I did not bring one, I shall take one away, 
 I suppose."
 
 68 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " From me, Sare Jack? about yourself, Sare Jack?" 
 
 " No, about yourself] doctor." 
 
 " Oh, whots a monstersh ! " And the doctor threw him- 
 self down in his large consulting-chair, and burst into 
 tears: nor had he ceased telling his anxious wife and 
 family of all the abuse he had received from the audacious 
 valet, when Jacky entered the room, in the same clothes 
 that he had on when, it will be recollected, he gave the 
 loud carriage-knock. 
 
 When Mr. Stratford saw his master in tears he was 
 a little mollified, and, possessing an unusual amount of 
 greatness of soul, walked up once more to the group, 
 and putting out his hand, said, " Well, come, let's part 
 like gentlemen, at all haps. I never bears ill-will, and 
 pertikilarly to the uncomfitted. You'll find the togs as 
 I found 'em, barring a rip or two which, in the whirlwind 
 of your tempest, you wnripped ; only five minutes' work 
 for one of the young ladies' — " 
 
 " What?" screamed the young ladies. 
 
 "—Maid." 
 
 " Oh," said the young ladies. 
 
 " You perceive, master, this is but a poor beginning 
 towards the chalk we talked of — of marrying one of the 
 young ladies, and being taken in partenership : when 
 you, and madame there, could have come in your car- 
 riage, just to see how we was a-getting on — just to ad- 
 vise us, and tell us how to move on an keep pushin." 
 
 " Here, my friend," said madame; " jusht go into the 
 hall-part a minute: I want to speaks with the doctor a 
 second." 
 
 Mr. Stratford obeyed his late mistress. 
 
 Then commenced the German, and it lasted a full 
 quarter of an hour. And, at last, it was agreed — par- 
 ticularly when the doctor told about the "Jew-impostor" 
 business — that the lad was a fool, or at most, was nothing
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 69 
 
 more than one of those little forward cockney lads so 
 common about the metropolis. That is, sharp, smartly- 
 spoken lads, but without even themselves attaching any- 
 thing sinister to what they say. Nay, the more it was 
 looked at, the more Avere all satisfied. His claiming the 
 victory in the argument! His wanting to part like 
 gentlemen! — and then the good family of the doctor all 
 laughed. His going to marry the daughter! — then they 
 all screamed. 
 
 " No," said madame, " you surely forget the principle 
 that is first taught us of all other things; and in that 
 alone we evince our superiority over the whites — and 
 which is, no doubt, one of the great causes of our sur- 
 passing them in all affairs. That is, always to make a 
 convenience of all, and of none more so, than of those we 
 hate, and by whom we know we are hated in retyrn. 
 Use them for your time; that is our great secret. But 
 really, my dear, in this affair, I think you have been 
 turning christian in very truth; for, if I mistake not, 
 this is the very boy for your purpose. It is impossible 
 to conjure long at once without a confederate; yon's 
 the one!" 
 
 " I should not wonder, my dear, if you are right; the 
 boy must be an innocent," musingly observed the doctor. 
 
 "Then, why should you murder him!" laughingly 
 rejoined madame. 
 
 " Send him up stairs ; tell him his best plan is, to go 
 down on his knees to me, and implore my pardon ! " 
 
 " Tut, tut, tut ! there you are getting as ridiculous as 
 ever. Tell him to go up stairs, and shake his old mas- 
 ter by the hand, at parting — ' part like gentlemen,* ha, 
 ha! And desire him to partake of something, at least, 
 before he leaves the house. That is the way to show, 
 that our tempers, my dear, are not to defeat the object 
 of our great first-lesson. I thought every child of our
 
 70 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 nation had known that — the first lesson, but which, it 
 appears, I have to make the last with you." 
 
 " Beside," said Ruth, " I am sure I heard that mad 
 Irishman tell him about the hundred pounds." 
 
 "Ah, well, but my dears, there, I think, I showed more 
 tact than all of you," chimed in the doctor. " You 
 proposed I should only give him five shillings out of the 
 money; now, you see, I let him have two guineas, and 
 took his I. O. for it. So you see, should he ever make 
 a noise about my diddling him in a hundred, cannot I 
 show, where so far from that, I had to lend him two 
 guineas, ha ha! There will be no difficulty in making 
 the world believe anything about the poverty of the 
 second son of an Irish Colonel — of militia — who had 
 eleven others!" 
 
 " That was good." 
 
 " Very good." 
 
 " But, then, the Colonel comes for his first sitting 
 to-morrow; now, if I mistake not, yonder is the boy, 
 and the very boy, that might help you to another hun- 
 dred pounds. Ruth can easily get the old Countess 
 here again: of course, we now know well all about her. 
 And, really, advertisements are a terrible expense ; and, 
 with the exception of the twenty pounds you got yes- 
 terday, it is the only draw worth consideration for above 
 a fortnight." 
 
 " Come, come, my dear, there were the watch, the 
 ring, and the chain — I'm sure to get. Not bad pick- 
 mgs. 
 
 "Advertisements, carriage, house — " 
 
 " And opera we must have, or else our other scheme 
 goes for nothing, particularly since my cousin has joined 
 us," chimed in Miss Ruth. 
 
 " Well, my dear, that we'll talk of another time," said 
 the doctor, a little impatiently.
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 7l 
 
 " Nevertheless," continued Madame Benzonl, " that 
 we shall do, but the advertising, house, and carriage — " 
 
 " Well, my love, what could I do without a carriage?'* 
 
 " That is true enough ; but then, I say, it takes thirty 
 pounds a-week before we have a mouthful of bread. I 
 think, after all, the sheriff-officering would have been as 
 good — if not a better profession." 
 
 " Come, come, madame; if it has cost thirty pounds 
 a-week, I've never made less than thirty more for a 
 mouthful of bread, besides the jewellery trade." 
 
 " Oh, that you could always do, in whatever pro- 
 fession you were. But, however, the first thing is to 
 settle with this lad.*' 
 
 " That is true ; and the next thing will be to look 
 after the married lady who came here yesterday for 
 advice — she who has had no family, although married 
 %NQ years. If we succeed in finding out who she k — 
 I've no doubt of her quality — that will be a better pull 
 than the Colonel's, I'm thinking. Come now, in spec, 
 every one for the opera this evening : only find who she 
 is: she'll never like her husband and friends — but par- 
 ticularly her husband — to know that she has been here 
 upon such an errand. That will be a great draw if pro- 
 perly worked, and not for a week or so, but as long as 
 we dare risk it." 
 
 At this the young ladies were off at once. The pro- 
 mise of the opera had set them all to industry and study. 
 The doctor, however, checked their haste by informing 
 them, that one, at least, must be in the ante-room if any 
 patients should come. 
 
 After some discussion that part of the matter was 
 arranged, and then the other part, as regarded Mr. 
 Stratford, was also most satisfactorily worked out; ma- 
 dame going down stairs and acting the part assigned 
 her.
 
 72 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 She could by no means allow Mr. Stratford to leave 
 her hospitable house without his taking something to 
 eat, and a glass of wine; and then he must go up stairs 
 to his late master, shake him by the hand, and " part 
 like gentlemen." 
 
 Jacky did as required ; and also, went up stairs to do 
 the parting part. 
 
 After he and the doctor had shaken hands; the latter 
 began to expatiate at great length on the grievous folly 
 of a few hot words causing so untimely a separation. 
 
 Jacky seemed to arrive at a similar opinion. 
 
 " Well, then, mine frien, let me tell you a little more 
 of your duties; in short, Mr. Stratford, let us understand 
 each other." 
 
 " Why, I am thinkin, there will never be much done 
 without it," replied Jacky. 
 
 " In the first place, let me put your minds at resht as 
 to this being merely a Jew-impostor establishments. 
 No, mine frien, I will show you; look at this account, 
 per week, for advertishments alone: look at that ones 
 item! fifty pounds a-week, you see: then the enormous 
 expense of carriage, shervants — and, in short — '' 
 
 "The touting! young ladies a-keepin the patients 
 quiet for their turn; and my wages, livery, and other 
 expensive gammon." 
 
 " Vera, vera true. Well, put all down at a hundreds 
 a-week, now you see, mine frien, it requires some bisbness 
 to make that, to begin with. Well, then, surely a mans 
 wants to lay oup a trifle for his old age. Well, then, 
 mine dear, where is the imposhition? Ash to the sham- 
 knocking and ringing, with mine families talking of my 
 miraculous cures — " 
 
 Jacky tried to get up a cough, but slipt a laugh in a 
 mistake. 
 
 " Ay, mine dear, laugh if you like: but I will explain.
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOK. 73 
 
 Now this talk about mine miracles, half cures a patient 
 before it comes in ; because Tm shure Tve not to tell the 
 shrewd Mr. Stratford, that none comes here but either 
 the silly or the idle, (of coursh, they musht all be rich) 
 or the wicked. The reverse of all these are nots to be 
 caught by impudent advertishments in newspapers — " 
 
 " Disgusting — disgusting?" 
 
 " Dishgusting, of coursh ; well, I say, the sensibles go 
 to scientific practishioners; same as I do, mine family, 
 and, of course, everybody but the peeples I have de- 
 scribed. So now you see we are not chosen in vain; 
 since there is often given strong passions to weak heads 
 with much monies, there musht, somewhere, be a cor- 
 rective. The same as there would be too many mices 
 but for cats: virtuous maidens would be ruined only 
 there ish always plenty ruined before. Now, mine frien, 
 you see why we are chosen; why we are rich; why we 
 enjoy, as our ancient race ever ash, the corn, wine, 
 honey — '' 
 
 " And the wife of Bethsheba, and the glories of 
 Solomon ! " 
 
 " Bravo, bravo, goot boy, Pm glad to hear you have 
 read your Pible so well. Well, are you now satishfy of 
 our great ushe?" 
 
 "Undoubtedly!" 
 
 " Your hand then: no more of the ^ Jew-impostorsh,' 
 you see we are none; but, on the contrary, the mosht 
 Usefuls peeples on the globe." 
 
 " O, as to usefulness — ask the swell-mob, and they're 
 the boys to speak about usefulness." 
 
 " Good lads; Tm glad, mine frien, that there ish any- 
 body in thish land of prejudice, that w411 admit the 
 fact. And now to bishness. I've a hint or two to give 
 you, and which, I am shure, will give you mouch plea- 
 sures ; it will convince you that 1 am master of another
 
 74 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 quality that, perhaps, you did not give me credit for: and 
 that ish, liberality — or, rather, I should say, impartiality." 
 
 " Well, I should like to hear that, as I'm fond of fair 
 play." 
 
 " Thus : of course, there are fools in our nation as 
 well as yours: but then they are not half so easily dones. 
 Still, there ish good pickings to be got out of them. 
 Now I cannot have the leasht chance unless you can 
 tells one of them when he comes to the door, and then 
 you mousht give me the proper signal. Now, mark, as 
 you make different rings when different patience comes; 
 sho, in thish case, you mousht give another ring entirely. 
 Say three times ; and then I shall prepare, and wills see 
 if we cannot make these prodigals of Israel pay as well 
 as the fools of other families. I have no doubt of mine 
 own abilities if you are as shure of yours — I means in 
 finding them out." 
 
 ^' Phit," said Jacky, snapping his fingers. 
 
 " You are not afraid of the task? you thinks you can 
 always tell em?" 
 
 " Certain as opera-glasses was suggested by snail- 
 horns ! " 
 
 " Well, now, tell me why, and then I will give you 
 mine plans.*" 
 
 " Oh, if they're black-uns, nothing is so easy : cart-rope 
 gold-chains across their waistcoats: half-smoked cigars, 
 ditto skins: impident, greedy, full, black eyes: four 
 coloured finger rings, and one mourning ditto, all of em 
 precious thick: hook noses, gilt buttons, ignorant fore- 
 heads, very white linen, biggish jaws, and flobberty-bob 
 mouths; and as no old ones are likely to come here, 
 there will be none with big stummacks, or, else, if there 
 was, they would be about the size of yourn." 
 
 " Yera goot, vera goot, vera. Now the light com- 
 plexion, mine portrait painter."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 75 
 
 " Oh, they're easy known, whether the red-headed 
 ones of Monmouth Street, or the Holywell coves, with 
 the German-coloured hair — light. They have none 
 of the other characteresticks, only the flobberty-bob 
 mouths, shammoky walkers, impident lookers — under 
 ladies' bonnets, and under gentlemen's spectacles, as if 
 they wanted to say — ^ vill you boy a prime box of cigars, 
 or a real-silver pencil-case, with a real-cornealian knob?' 
 oh, they'll be easy victims to my ring, will the white 
 Moseses, and there is no fear of the other — see how 
 soon I found yerself out!" 
 
 " Bravo, bravo," said the Jew, clapping his left hand 
 with two fingers belonging to that of his right. 
 
 " But, now, let me hear how they are to be made to 
 pay for their gold frames above, if I'm to take their 
 portraits below?" 
 
 " Well, in the first places, I mushn't have the young 
 ladies in the ante-room talking about my miracles and 
 cures: that would make em smhook at once — " 
 
 " Oh, they'd be doin that when they come in." 
 
 " Yay, cigars; but I mean my tricks, and let them 
 smhook anything so they do not puff away at thats, ha, 
 ha, ha!" 
 
 " Bravo, bravo ! now only show a bit of wit now and 
 then, and you'll be surprised how much faster I shall take 
 to you : wit helps roguery to digest : it's horse-redish to 
 roast beef; and apple-sauce to turkey. Who would ever 
 witness a roguish play but for the comicality of the beg- 
 gars in it?" 
 
 " Well, I thinks there should be a bit of fun in all 
 roguery." 
 
 " Physic to preserves — ^I mean th' tother." 
 
 " Yay ; then I say, in the first place, there musht be 
 no waitings, because their case ish shure to be of the most 
 private nature. In the next place, insthead of being in
 
 76 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 the most gorgeous attire, I musht be in a very simple 
 suit of black: not a ring on mine finger — " 
 
 '' The mourning one — " 
 
 " Yay, true; that ones of course; all plain: reading 
 large scientific books, in all languages — but the one he 
 happens to know: a chemical glass or two — as if in the 
 act of learned experimentsh : in short, all musht appears 
 to be learning, science, the quietness of deep study, and 
 order; because they having none of theesh, reverence 
 them, as your peeples, on the contrary, are fond of 
 magnificence, miracles, and orientals grandeur." 
 
 " Good, good: now see how much pleasanter it is 
 when roguery's made into a open dish, instead of when 
 the master and mistress forks out all the inside of the 
 pie to themselves, and leaves the crusts to the servants; 
 because it only leads to the latter a-makin pies for their- 
 sels, and throwing away the crusts for fear of suspicion. 
 Things done in a family way makes one house stronger 
 nor the whole street, as is always a-doin on it with the 
 door ajar. There is so much to conceal and disguise; 
 same as if you hear a man always a-singing ' Home, 
 sweet home,' depend upon't he whops his wife, and leaves 
 his kids unnourished." 
 
 "Wills you be mine frien?" 
 
 " Only treat me like a adopted son." 
 
 " Then to proves that from this minute I do, sho your 
 duty to a loving fathers, by at once telling me all your 
 rogueries, all your life, and what are your future pro- 
 spects ; what wash the move in coming to live with me ; 
 and how much you fancied you could do me out of — that 
 ish, I mean before I dishcover in you my lost son, and 
 you found in me the best of fathers ; who hash for years 
 wept his wonders as to where you could be — dead or 
 alive." 
 
 And the Jew fell upon Jacky's neck; wept and winked,
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 77 
 
 winked and wept at the large mirror opposite — that is, 
 behind Jacky. Still he wept, and stiller still, he winked 
 — and the Jew caught Jacky. 
 
 " Come," said the newly-found son, " that's even better 
 than fun in roguery; for much as I think fun helps a 
 piece, tenderness and sentiment gives it a far higher 
 twist. A murderer a-kneelin on his mother's grave ; or 
 a highwayman retainin the miniature of a dead child, are 
 bits that help to unite a audience — uncommon." 
 
 " Then lets the motto be roguery, wit, and love!" said 
 the doctor. 
 
 " Go bid the churls dispair, 
 The sulky fools dismay, 
 Merry roguery's always fair; 
 It's only clumsy knaves as sleeps all night and practises in mid-day," 
 
 said Jacky. 
 
 " Eather a long foots in that last line, mine son!"
 
 78 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 The reader will doubtless rejoice at the friendly position 
 of the master and man, as we have just left them — par- 
 ticularly if he happens to remember their differences a 
 little before. Doctor Benzoni entreated, and not in vain, 
 for the entire history of his new valet, and — got it, of 
 course, including the engagement at the Royal Sans- 
 pareil. The doctor was certainly staggered at the latter 
 part of the history and prospects of Mr. Stratford, but 
 at once promised him his support; nay, that he would 
 take a private box for himself and family, and cause it 
 to be given out in the next morning-papers, that he was 
 an anonymous royal duke, who having witnessed the 
 Professor Costello's performances (surprising) on the 
 continent, left the attractions of his majesty's theatre for 
 those of the Royal Sanspareil. 
 
 This was a tender place with Jacky: the Jew knew 
 it would bind — was sure it would, and to do him justice, 
 as well as that of his entire family, no man could be more 
 anxious to secure the serving abilities of Jacky than was 
 the doctor. 
 
 " Well now, I will tell you how you can be of use to 
 me and pursues your studishes at the same time — I mean 
 your monkey-runsh, joumps, and chatters. The Colonels 
 comes here to-morrow, to commence his sittings: now 
 I'm thinking the besht way will be, to put him into yon 
 old loft, at the bottom of the gardens. You see the lasht
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 79 
 
 tenant in thish house had a very funny hobby, which 
 wash knife-making: so he had the laundry lit oup as a 
 work-shop: had a forge and everything. And one day 
 I happen to go into the loft and there found among many 
 things he had left wash a vice. Now that will be the 
 thing to pout the Colonel's nosh into for a few daysh, and 
 then if that dosh not make him tire — and we cannot pluck 
 any more — I have a further plans ash will remove the 
 nuisance at once." And then the doctor told his son all 
 about the sheriff-officer terror; how he had since found 
 why the poor man was so frightened, and concluded the 
 whole by informing Jacky that, if no other way suggested 
 itself as a deliverance from his presence, after three days, 
 he would surrender him to his anxious friend — he who 
 held the writ. 
 
 Jacky rather started at this, and said, " 0, come, that's 
 not surely a part of your liberality ! " 
 
 " What," said the Jew, " are you not mine sons in 
 roguery?" 
 
 " Oh, as to that, as I have said, I would not mind 
 being your son-in-law — or indeed, in-roguery — particu- 
 larly in doing a rogue such as the Jews, the magistrates 
 and turnkey of Rochester, (Jacky had told about his 
 being locked up in the last-named place,) or in any sort 
 of roguery, so that it is equitable and clean; but I'll 
 neither claim nor allow relationship in villany." 
 
 " Mine frien, mine dear — mine frien — " 
 
 " No, no," said Jacky, " I'll put up the shop shutters 
 and a ticket on, to let, at once ; enter without good-will, 
 and throw the cat, flower-pots, and canary in, first." 
 
 " Well, well, well, manage him yourself: and to show 
 I wish all as ish fairs, only succeeds to get as mouch out 
 of him as will pay for his board and lodgings, and he may 
 lodge (in the loft) and sleep (on the boards) as long as 
 he has a mindsh — stay there, if he likes, till the writs is
 
 80 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 out of season ; if that will do him any good, I'm shure 
 I shall be too happy. Bout there ish one thing, into the 
 vice his nosh musht go ; because, really, I thinks if he 
 has fortitudes to sit there a month, pulling his nosh the 
 reversh of the twisht, / am opinions that the straightness 
 of his nosh will be surpasshed by that of his legs.^'' 
 
 The doctor thought he had been going too far for hie 
 disciple; though, it must be confessed, his last remark 
 appears candid enough. 
 
 Jacky actually thought the plan would succeed, and 
 was resolved to act in unison with the doctor, at all rates, 
 as far as the vice went — take out the lever that turned 
 the screw, and so leave the patient until the cure was 
 completed. Jacky also found that this would be the 
 best place in the world for private practice; and since 
 he had his master's authority for it, was resolved to pre- 
 pare the loft at once. He did so; took out everything 
 but the vice-bench, and a form or two. Then he fixed 
 ropes along the ceiling and walls, whereon to practise 
 his monkey-gambols; walk on the ceiling with his head 
 downwards, of course, and essay other fearful passages 
 in calisthenics, to all of which the world had never, nor 
 ever was to record a parallel. 
 
 The doctor, who quite approved of everything which 
 Jacky had proposed, had also a little plan of his own, which 
 was — and by the very means of these monkey-gambols, 
 so to frighten the Colonel that the writ business itself 
 would but be incipient in its terrors. The whole family 
 were told of these operations, as well as of their new ser- 
 vant's high attainments, in short, about his being the 
 great Professor Costello, at the Royal Sanspareil. 
 
 Jacky became an object of great interest to this pains- 
 taking family. 
 
 On the first day of passion-week, and, consequently, 
 second week of the servitude of the faithful John Strat-
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 81 
 
 ford, the gallant Colonel of the late Balingosly dragoons, 
 arrived for the purpose of undergoing any and all opera- 
 tions that the notable Dr. Benzoni might think advanta- 
 geous to, and for his nose. 
 
 The doctor was delighted to see him, as what great 
 operator would not; for, if successful, the news was to 
 find its way to — at least, to be added to the list of his 
 great cures; and to be advertised in every paper, in every 
 locality — and what locality is wanting in its fondness for 
 astounding cures? 
 
 The Colonel had been ordered to prepare himself, for 
 three days, by taking a series of tlie most searching 
 cathartics: he appeared ill enough, but declared he felt 
 well enough. The doctor felt confident enough: Jacky 
 and the rest of the family, delighted enough. 
 
 The Colonel had just left the lady whom he called his 
 " Daphne," who said that she would make up the loie of 
 all that ever could be dear to her, by fasting and prayers 
 —that is, she would give up her lunches, until they, with 
 the assistance of the great Northumberland-street phy- 
 sician, had induced Providence to set that right which 
 nature, in her slips, had left wrong — the Colonel's nose. 
 
 And here we may observe, that "Daphne" was only 
 the poetical or fond name which the Colonel gave the 
 lady, but which, in truth, was not her name at all. No; 
 the address which invariably made its way to her, both 
 by letter and in tradesmen's bills, was " Lady Mary 
 Bourgoin," wife of the late extremely gallant general of 
 that name. She was what the late general fondly called, 
 his second plague; meaning, probably, his second wife, 
 for he had had two. By the first he had a family of four, 
 all living. By the second, he had no such blessings to 
 add to his proud position — ^we mean in the possession of 
 such a lady as the one we have so often heard called 
 "Daphne." And though the fondest of women, and the 
 
 G
 
 82 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 most liberal, as surely the reader will grant, even from 
 what he has seen bestowed on the Colonel, yet we have 
 the assurance of the whole of her late husband's children, 
 that nothing could exceed her economy ; for though they 
 were but badly left (financially) in consequence of the 
 bad state of their late father's eyes, as to the affection 
 borne him by his second wife, and their supposed 
 want of such feelings, his will gave her all, at least for 
 her life; and she had too much respect for his last deter- 
 mination to, in any way, disturb it, even to give to his 
 children one penny, or one look of acknowledgement. 
 
 But, though this lot of disaffecteds might talk in this 
 invidious manner, as to the stinginess and so on of their 
 step-mother, it must be consoling to her to know that 
 all her bounties and charities have been faithfully re- 
 corded in this book. And this, it is hoped, the reader 
 will think fair; for, as such has been the nature of our 
 labours so far, to show up the little knaveries and cupidity 
 of several individuals; let not the ill-natured say it is 
 our only delight. No, truthfulness compels us to show 
 both — the naughty tricks of Doctor Benzoni, the virtuous 
 ones of Lady Bourgoin: his startling cupidities, her 
 lavish bounties. 
 
 When the Colonel saw the arrangements made, he, 
 for some time, kicked, not at the vice, nor at Jacky's 
 legs, but said that the said legs, with the arms and body 
 belonging to them, might have carried the vice and bench 
 — if not into the drawing-room of the doctor's establish- 
 ment, at least into a bed-room; and one, too, befitting 
 the dignity of a Colonel, a hundred-pound fee, and the 
 visits (expectant) of a lady of title. 
 
 To all this the doctor said, he had his reasons for 
 selecting the odd-looking, though commodious loft. He 
 assured the Colonel that even he would be better satis- 
 fied with it than himself, after a time; and would live to
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 83 
 
 bless and pray for his memory for the selection. " Nay," 
 said the doctor, " I'm under the greatest obligations to 
 mine neighbor for the place — the expenses — but we will 
 not speak of that until after cure — but it hash been 
 awfuls." 
 
 The Colonel made a hundred demurs, but every one 
 was met by the doctor, by saying he had his reasons 
 for all he did. The Colonel was again going to raise 
 another objection, just as the other raised his lips to his 
 ear, and caused the said Hps to whisper into the said 
 ear, that three sheriff-officers had already searched 
 the house — even until it came to the drawer of the 
 kitchen-dresser. 
 
 " I'm riddy," said the Colonel to the doctor'^s assis- 
 tant; ^^Tm riddy, but in justice to Ireland, let there be 
 a bit of something put at each side of my nose beside 
 those file-like jaws of the vice. Tm riddy to pull a^vay 
 like a little divil when he sees St. Peter coming, but I 
 merely want my nose made straight, and not into a 
 double file, as I'm convinced will be the case if I'm held 
 there half a-year or so." 
 
 The doctor was inexorable. Nay, had been at a 
 frightM expense to get the sides of the iron mouth new 
 cut. It was a part of his theory. 
 
 " How am I to dine, or who is to read to me? or tell 
 me some divilish diverting tales; or somebody to whom 
 I can prove the injustice under which Ireland has groan- 
 ed, long before any other part of the world was popu- 
 lated, as we can prove it was the ancient paradise — even 
 before a soul lived in it — it's the envy all other countries 
 have towards her that's her ruin: I must have some- 
 body to badger about her abuses, or I shall be found 
 dead with lock jaw!" 
 
 " How can that be, mine friend, when you will have 
 a lock nosh? you cannots have irritation and counter-
 
 84 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 
 
 irritation, at once," said the doctor, looking sternly; 
 "reads pathology for a few years as I have (not) — it 
 will amuse you whilst in your agonies, my friend, and 
 patience," and the doctor gave a look at Jacky: and 
 Jacky returned it, and they fired a double wink simul- 
 taneously. 
 
 " As to your hours of eating, will be whenever you 
 feel hungry, and the lady Daphne dishposed to feed you; 
 those of relax will depends upon the fees you give your 
 keeper and frien, here, to whom also, you can fox about 
 the injustice to Ireland." 
 
 " ' Fox!' about Ireland ! I said ' badger,' I said badger 
 about her insults, her wrongs, her rippling rivers, her 
 flowing rills, her birds that sing — " 
 
 " Her crows that grub — on worms; her swallows that 
 sip, and fly arter flies, and bilds their nests on her cot- 
 tao-es' thatch; until the fell Saxon come and tumbled 
 them down, that's why he's called fell: accused the 
 crow of tater-set stealing; said the swallow was a 
 foreigner, and your fire-sides — that's when burning 
 wheat stacks — your cricket and your cat were aliens to 
 their comforts!" — Jacky Stratford. 
 
 " Now, mine friend, don't you think I have provided 
 you with one capables of listening to the groans of your 
 native earthquakes?'* 
 
 " Man may show fear, the earth may quake, through 
 the same cause, but never was seen to trimble Ireland's 
 green sods, her waters, her skies, her — " 
 
 " Or even the strings of old Erin's harp — (that one 
 as we see upon a Irish halfpenny — )" Mr. Stratford., 
 
 again. 
 
 " Git riddy the vice, I am satisfied." 
 
 The Colonel then, with the assistance of Jacky, pre- 
 pared himself: put on his morning-gown and slippers: 
 his nose into the vice! just at the same moment that
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 85 
 
 the doctor put his tongue into his cheek; and Jacky 
 gave the' last twist of the lever, not without asking the 
 Colonel if he would have one turn more. 
 
 " Not if Ire — land — was — w — a — s sink — in — g." 
 
 " ' Comfort combined with good fits — particular regard 
 shown to the strength of the material!' It aint too soft, 
 is it Colonel?" asked Jacky, at the same time taking 
 out the lever — the doctor had had a loose one made to 
 prevent the patient from unscrewing. 
 
 " There, mine friend, I mousht go to mine other 
 patients ; I shall come and see how you get on every 
 three days, at leasht. You will have every attentions; 
 good mornings, mine friend."" And the doctor hurried 
 out to tell his anxious family, that now they might 
 ascend the gallery — a sort of half loft at the other end 
 of the room — and witness the perform'ance. 
 
 '^ Now," said Jacky, " pull against the twist, or else 
 I must put another turn on." Jacky spoke through his 
 nose. 
 
 "O Saint — Pat — ric — ric — Pat; ifs tigh — t en — ough 
 or else there's no pur — ga — tory," said the Colonel, 
 through his mouth, though he wanted to sneer at his 
 attendant. 
 
 " Let me feel it," requested John. 
 
 " I wish to — the — vir — ^gin — ^you could in — in — in- 
 stead of me." 
 
 " Well, then, must I salute the lady Daphne should 
 she honour us with a visit, instead of you? Who is to 
 eat your dinners, if you can do nothing for yourself?" 
 
 " D'ye think th — the doc — tor is skil — fill; a mustard 
 plaster is your sweet — heart's lips compared to this." 
 
 " K he aint, d'ye think he would ever have thought 
 of taking away the lever; getting his fees in advance, 
 an employin such talent as me." 
 . " Oh — by — I shall faint, unless you aise me : it's quite
 
 86 THE LOED OF THE MANOE. 
 
 clear, though I never wanted more in my life, I cannot 
 do it myself." 
 
 " O, easy; talk about the injustice done to the potato- 
 crop of old Ireland.'"* 
 
 " Damn old Ireland : as well ask a man to go to family 
 prayers when he's the bailiffs in his house : here, take off 
 a shilling's worth," said the Colonel, holding out a shil- 
 ling behind him. 
 
 " A shilling's worth could not be felt by a elephant. 
 A half sovereign's worth is only a hair's breadth — at the 
 root-end — don't stamp your foot at me. Colonel, I should 
 be stopped a quarter's wages : but however, as my mother 
 was a Cornish woman, and you are so great an advocate 
 for the wrongs perpetrated by old Ireland, I'll risk half 
 a twist." Jacky saw that the Colonel was about to drop 
 off the chair; and, he also receiving a signal from his 
 master, who, with his family, was in the gallery — he put 
 a ladder pin into the screw-head, and greatly relieved 
 the patient. 
 
 " There, there, is half-a-crown for you; don't make 
 waste of it, as I may want to borrow a few shillings off 
 you, in the course of a day or so : that's aisier, I felt like 
 as if I was in the grasp of a boa constrictor, and now as 
 if somebody had cut off his tail. I believe there's always 
 a great stench set up whin you chop a serpent in two?" 
 
 " I never had the pleasure of paring off a boa's head, 
 and therefore cannot say. But I shall always be able to 
 describe the state of the atosmosphere when I had the 
 honour to break my master's commands as regards your 
 
 nose." 
 
 "'Pon my sowl, my young friend, there is nothing to 
 boast about in this world, excipt martyrdom; I've been 
 trying to get a name for this last twenty years, and I 
 think this turning Bramin will do it for me. ^ The ex- 
 traordinary enthusiastic Colonel O'Craizem, who made
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 87 
 
 a VOW that, if Providence would give liberty to his 
 country, he would put his nose into a vice for twinty 
 years; and would have succeeded, but the jealous Eng- 
 lish passed an act of parliment to prevint it, not before it 
 was eaten off, although the handsomest man — " 
 
 " That ever had half-a-hundred of iron for a nose-ring! 
 Oh, it's sure to be the making of you one way or other, 
 for you are certain my master will issue half-hourly bullit- 
 tins, if only to swell his fame." 
 
 " Don't you think that something is doing the same 
 to my nose just now?" 
 
 " How can it swell? if it's as tight as you say. It's 
 martyrdom as is a doin on it, and a personal regard for 
 a descendant of the O'Craizems. But, however, I see 
 my little brother yonder has brought my dinner, so 
 whilst you are a ruminatin upon the rewards of your 
 country for the honour you are a conferrin upon her; 
 I'll try whether or not I've lost the use of my top grind- 
 ers." And with this Jacky stript, and was about to 
 commence one of his monkey-runs, when, from the 
 stamping of the Colonel's foot, and other indications of 
 acute pain, Jacky took another skin's breadth off the 
 squeeze: this was done gratuitously and was, therefore, 
 not the less pleasing to the martyr, and the beloved of 
 Lady Bourgoin. 
 
 " Now, get your dinner in pace, as I certainly feel the 
 wrongs of Ireland less by some tons than I did; I can 
 now think of my speech: how to defend her injuries 
 now that I no longer feel them: git your dinner and 
 tell the doctor to order me a broiled chicken to be ready 
 in two hours : it still hurts 1 " 
 
 " O, you should have more resolution in your fortitude." 
 
 " Well, that's thrue, but my brother who first gave 
 me the twist, and now's causing me all this pain, deserves 
 his back flayed alive."
 
 88 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Jacky, by this time, had got to work, and after about 
 four turns round the room on his hands and feet — doing 
 the monkey gallop, he whipped up the next rope and 
 away he rattled up the ceiling; then one of the cross- 
 ropes, and at last, let himself down; and then rested to 
 take breath, which having to take pretty quickly, the 
 noise caught the ear of the patient. 
 
 " Wliy lord, man, you'll choke yourself if you ate in 
 that way: what the divil do you pant so for? is it after 
 a long drink? or have you got a thigh-bone in your 
 throat? what is't your aiting?" 
 
 " O very, very fond of cats ! " 
 
 "Aiting a cat! I hate to shoot one; the stinking 
 things; and you are devouring one, you vampire, as if 
 you had never even tasted a mouse in all your life ! " 
 
 Jacky, quite intent upon his studies, gave one of his 
 vampire squeaks, and then made a scrambling run up 
 the next lofty prop of the roof. 
 
 "Almighty Jupiter, surely you're not aiting the 
 wretched beast alive. Och, you foul fiend, is it up and 
 down the roof you are chasing your dinner? I wish 
 her tail may stick as fast in your throat as I'm stuck here 
 — or I'd run a poker through your vitals : git decenter 
 victuals, you anthropophagi, (squeak — mew) poor dear, 
 (sq — u — eak) murder ! I say it's murder to kill a cat 
 in hot blood. By Caesar, you may well pant and puif — 
 what the divil in hell! are you going through the roof? 
 I wish there was a barrel of gunpowder here, and I'd 
 a match; you'd see where you'd be — you inimy to the 
 mimory of Lord Whittington (sq — u — ea — k — queak) 
 oh, the mother of virgins, if I don't think he's plucking 
 her alive ! " 
 
 At this moment Jacky, trying to make his grand pass, 
 came right bang from the roof to within a yard of where 
 sat the commiserating Colonel. This, with the roar
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 89 
 
 the horrified patient set up, caused a sudden ciap of 
 laughter from the doctor and family, which certainly had 
 the effect of making the poor Colonel think, that the 
 place was haunted by something, even worse, than live- 
 cat eaters. He was satisfied, however, that Jacky had 
 had a tumble, and exclaimed, " heaven's justice fall upon 
 you ! but what's that horrid laugh ? I must have more 
 paceful doings, or I'll insist of having my sittings in 
 another place. Go fetch me the doctor; he'll have a 
 lunatic to cure as well as my nose, if that infernal game 
 is to be proceeded with. Did you catch the cat, or 
 break your back in that last tumble ? I shall have an- 
 other subject for a speech whin in the British senate. 
 Justice to Ireland ! I'll have justice to the cat yit ; you 
 cross between a Scotch terrier and a vampire ! " 
 
 " Hem," said Jacky, mortified at his last tumble, and 
 not at the slashing remarks of the patient, "I mu»t be 
 better on Monday night." 
 
 '' What, don't you feel well after your dinner? perhaps 
 a drink of new milk, or a pennyworth of lights, might 
 make her sit easier on your stomach. I niver believed 
 in the rat-eaters of China taking to opium after dinner 
 until now." 
 
 Jacky, in despite of his discomfiture caused by his 
 tumble, could not help chuckling at this last piece of 
 savage satire, and defence of poor pussy's wrongs; and 
 also finding; that he was sufierino; in the estimation of 
 the good doctor's family, who, though determined not to 
 be heard laughing any more, were equally resolved to 
 watch the continuation of the performance — prepared 
 again. 
 
 "I'll do it this time," said the professor: "and now 
 for a specimen of the baby-eating, and the virgins, the 
 next." 
 
 " Oh, horror! let out my nose, or I shall not be able
 
 90 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 to contain my inside — I've not a child of my own, but 
 go on with cats instid of thim other innocents. Irish 
 babies for a hundred! brought over in butter-firkins, 
 mixed with little pigs ; entered as pickled herrins at the 
 Customs. By Heaven, but this will put fire instead of 
 sugar into the meal of my speech. I thought the Saxon 
 a tyrant, but not a vampire and a — by Flying Childers, 
 he's off. — Lord, what a twist — eat a cat! — (sq-ue-ak) 
 game already! (sq-ue-ak) O, poor darling! (qu-eak) 
 Wait while I pray a minute — (cre-a-k) O, mother's milk! 
 is it a baby or a virgin you are at?" 
 
 " Both!^^ was the stunning reply, and in a second, the 
 gymnast sprang upon the back of the horrified patient's 
 head ; shook it, gave another of his vampire shrieks, and 
 began to gnaw at the top of the Colonel's cranium. 
 
 " I'm neither cat nor baby — murder! murder!" and 
 the Colonel fainted. 
 
 Jacky seeing this, undid the screw, ran to the doctor 
 and family, told them to fetch in something nice for the 
 patient, and, finally, sprinlded some water on his face; 
 and opening two of the shutters, let in a great body 
 of light. 
 
 The Colonel, at last, came to consciousness, not, how- 
 ever, before the doctor had arrived with a bowl of nice 
 chicken broth. 
 
 " Well, mine frien, how do you feel after your nice 
 refreshing sleeps?" 
 
 " O, horrid, horrid, horrid!" 
 
 «^ Why, you snored like a sea-elephant — that is, through 
 your mouth and ears, and no doubt, would ha' done 
 through your nose, only for feelin a uncommon tightness." 
 Master Jacky. 
 
 " How comes my nose to be out — out of the vice?" 
 
 " Oh, we've just come to bring you some refreshments, 
 and I want to feel — ah, mine word, a great deals softer;
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 91 
 
 that ish vera encouragings," said the doctor, feeling at 
 his patient's nose. " Persevere, persevere, and get such 
 nice refreshing sleeps as theesh, and the works is done !" 
 
 " Sleep ! " called out the Colonel. " Hell's fiends as 
 like! This fellow has been aiting a cat for dinner, and 
 running on the roof to ait babies: look where he has 
 been gnawing at my head!" 
 
 One roar of laughter followed this statement — of 
 course. 
 
 " Ah, mine frien, mine frien, they all feel alike : irrita- 
 bility of the nerves," said the Doctor Benzoni, " and 
 stands to sense: in takings out one twisht, you musht 
 have another: see how you had to pull your heads to 
 get the twisht of your nosh out: well, you have nearly 
 finished that, but then, it wash shure to fly into your 
 brain." 
 
 " Sure to do so," said Dr. Jacky. 
 
 " Into my head? you young monster, you; is he right, 
 doctor? because if that's it, here's a thundering nice 
 cure — a straight nose with a cranky head ! " 
 
 " Yes ; but then, don't you see the wide difference. 
 Colonel : if yer head's all right, and your nose aint, the 
 first named member of your body soon makes you ac- 
 quainted with the defects of the latter; whereas, if your 
 head's wrong, you'll never know a pin about it; and 
 since all as is wanted to make you the finest man in the 
 world, is the handsomeness of the knocker to yer front 
 door, why, so that is well polished, and the door a hand- 
 some colour, never heed how the cracks are puttied, or 
 the lobby disranged." Dr. Jacky. 
 
 " Doctor, is this divil's imp right? am I to die cracked, 
 like a flea, if I have a commindible nose? because if that's 
 the vulgar-fractions of it, return me my money, and I'll 
 indict the house for endeavouring to manufacture patients 
 for Bedlam!"
 
 92 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha! mine frien, mine frien; it ish by these 
 little goot-tempered sallies that we keep our patients' 
 spirits up: you see, mine frien, you was a little too 
 severe upon your attendant here — cat-eating and baby- 
 devouring are very serious discoursesh, when, after all, 
 you have been in a profoundsh sleep; and he, all the 
 times ash been with the cook, getting somethings nice 
 for you. Take theesh little drops of broth, and then at 
 your gallant resolutions again. You have had enough 
 for one day," continued the doctor, feeling the patient's 
 pulse : " let me see your tongue. Help the Colonel off 
 with his boot; I want to examine the big and little toe 
 of the right foot: ah, beautifuls, beautifuls! the cashe 
 could not proceeds better. If you go on as you have 
 done, I shall soon expect mine diamond snuff-box." 
 
 " Oh, but to say I have been asleep is such bamboo- 
 zling stuff!" 
 
 " Well now, come, to put the matter to the permanent 
 rest of a granite bed : did yer not give me some silver 
 to unscrew yer nose?" 
 
 " I did." 
 
 "No; I heard you say in yer dreams, you would give 
 me some if I would break the commands of my revered 
 master — but no: feel in yer pocket." 
 
 " My money is here sure enough ! ( Jacky had crammed 
 it in during the fainting:) I am bothered." 
 
 " Say, at once, that you have had a sweet sleeps." 
 
 " No, in justice to Ireland, I'll not, never can say that; 
 nor can I say a sound sleep, though there was the most 
 thundering dins\ but I suppose it must have been 2hfast 
 sleep enough, for I could have sworn I was awake."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 93 
 
 CHAPTEK IX. 
 
 Three days afterwards the Colonel prepared for another 
 operation; and was scarcely screwed up, when who 
 should give a creeping ring at the door-bell, but Master 
 William Kent, and asked the servant who opened 
 it — Jacky, as may be supposed, was assisting in the 
 operation department — if poor little John Stratford was 
 within. William was at once recognised as the beautiful 
 boy who had given cook a tart to induce her to behave 
 well to the new valet — Mr. Stratford. He had brought 
 two beautiful books, and presented them to the servant 
 who opened the door, with a desire that she would accept 
 one herself, and present the other to the other good lady 
 of the establishment, which v/as no other than " cookP 
 
 The request was cheerfully complied with, and the 
 requester was most politely desired to walk into a back- 
 parlour; for both of the domestics of Dr. Benzoni agreed 
 that there was something more than common in the friend 
 of Jacky: nay, perhaps he was one of the young masters 
 of the place in which the valet had last lived. 
 
 He was pumped a little about this, and candidly 
 confessed that he was the grand-son of Mrs. Kent. Here 
 was a discovery! the young ladies must certainly see 
 him: no doubt they would have an intense desire, 
 particularly when informed that he was one of the most 
 beautifulest, sweetest-spoken, modestest, young youth 
 that the ladies, of the beautiful books, had ever seen.
 
 94 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Master William was, at once, honoured by being 
 introduced to the family of the great doctor. From 
 madame down to the youngest grown-up daughter 
 Kuth, even to the cousin, all declared that the opinion 
 of the other ladies of the family was quite correct. There, 
 certainly, were all the amiable and beautiful qualities 
 that had been enumerated, added to which, there was 
 aristocracy peeping out at every finger point. 
 
 Then this must be no other than the beloved master 
 of Jacky — the honourable William Kent. 
 
 He was asked by madame if she had not the honour to 
 speak to Master William Kent — the honourable Master 
 Kent. 
 
 " My name is William Kent, madame, and I hope I 
 am honourable," concluded the said Master Kent, with 
 a smile. 
 
 '^ No doubt of it," replied all the ladies. 
 
 " Your late servant, sir — John Stratford — " 
 
 " Not my servant, madame, but my friend — " inter- 
 rupted William. 
 
 " There's breeding, and family kindness," thought all 
 the ladies at once. 
 
 " I am aware," resumed madame, "your grand-mother's 
 servant. Well, sir, as I was saying, he is busy in some 
 operations with the doctor. He will be here presently." 
 
 " Oh, if you will permit me, madame, I will go to 
 him — I am wishful to see him." 
 
 They could not refuse the request of so great a young 
 nobleman. It might lead to something. He must 
 partake of a glass of wine, and then, if he could not 
 wait, of course he must go and see his friend. 
 
 William was taken to the old loft, and made his 
 ascent into it just as the doctor was coming down. 
 The latter soon saw William embrace his friend Jacky, 
 nor was he much longer in ascertaining who the friend
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 95 
 
 was. His family had done quite right in sending him 
 up to his old favourite servant. 
 
 This suggested a thought in the doctor, that even the 
 honourable Master Kent might be of some use in the dress- 
 rehearsal, which they were about to have to appropriate 
 scenery — that is, Jacky was going to rehearse his 
 vampire business in full-dress, with every thing suitable 
 both as to machinery, scenery, lights, and the rest. The 
 doctor turned back just to speak to his assistant, which 
 was for the purpose of telling him that, perhaps, his 
 friend, who had called to visit him, might be induced 
 either to read, or, in any way amuse the Colonel, whilst 
 the rest of the business could be got ready. This was 
 the more requisite, as the Colonel said he would not be 
 left alone for the world: and whatever they did they 
 were not to let him go to sleep. For that still his 
 former dream haunted him. 
 
 O, yes, William would read to the poor patient with 
 great pleasure. 
 
 " But, tell me, Johnny, what are you doing at him? it 
 seems so strange to see a gentleman with his face held 
 close up to yon iron thing, in that way." 
 
 " Oh," replied Jacky, " he's only fulfilling a vow, for 
 the good of his country; so, wants to be kept awake." 
 
 " Oh, he's a patriot then?" 
 
 " Yes, that's what he is, William ; so, of course, he's 
 put his nose in yon slit: funny beggars aint they, these 
 patriots?" 
 
 " Great mortals, you should say, Johnny : I do rever- 
 ence a patriot. I am glad now I shall have a chance of 
 seeing one. No doubt a philanthropist too." 
 
 " Rather, he raves about a cat." 
 
 William smiled, as he feared that Jacky had hardly 
 understood him. 
 
 " But, however, I'll introduce you, and as I shall have
 
 96 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 a good deal to do, you can read to him, or talk to him 
 as you like, until I've done my work, and then I'll have 
 a walh with you: any lads about Westminster to whop 
 yet?" 
 
 " On my account, John?" 
 
 " Whose else's? you don't think I'd lick 'em upon 
 account of their father or mother?" 
 
 " No, I am sure you would not, Johnny : but I hope 
 that you will never have to quarrel through me." 
 
 " Well, Colonel O'Craizem, here's an old friend of mine, 
 will keep you company, whilst I go dress for dinner." 
 
 " I hope it's not such an old friend as visited you 
 before — but, however, I suppose that must have been a 
 drame. Just let me hear your friend speak." 
 
 " I am happy to see a patriot of your resolution and 
 enthusiasm, sir," said William Kent. 
 
 " I'm delighted to thank you, young sir — here, Mr. 
 cat-aiter, walk as soon as you like, now." 
 
 " Come, come," said Jacky, " I'll no longer swallow 
 sich disgusting physic; Fm no patient. Sich remarks 
 don't fill my bread-basket: nor shall they do step the 
 first, on my corns. Aint it more likely I was hunting 
 sich game to make yer broth with?" 
 
 " Haik, haik," and up came the broth ! 
 
 " Now, I should think, you are satisfied as to which 
 has been taking such unpleasant food on their stum- 
 macks: yer see Fm not sick! and yet I'm sure a rat 
 biled, let alone a drop of stew from the other, would be 
 enough for my oilfactory vessels." 
 
 " O, O, O, a sad young monster I've no doubt — to 
 aite vermin!" 
 
 " No, Colonel, I don't eat 'em I tell you: I only slay 
 'em like St. Patrick: I leave the eatin to the destitute: 
 that's the way that a peasantry is first formed in a new 
 country."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 97 
 
 " I'll put red, red-hot pokers into ivery sintince in my 
 no-justice-to-Ireland speech ! " 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha, bravo ; I've no doubt yer speech will do 
 ^no justice' to Ireland! but I would not proclaim my 
 dis-insincerity before you get into the ministry: begin 
 with 'justice to Ireland' until you get a place, and then 
 (of course) comes your no-justice-to-Ireland speech." 
 
 " My dear young friend, first kick your old friend in 
 the ribs for me: and thin tell me whether at this stage 
 of the proceedings I'm comminced draming? by all this 
 young divil's brother-imps, I'll not be gammoned that 
 I'm in a ' sweet' nap this time. Lave the room, you 
 tempter of St. Anthony!" 
 
 " O, dear Johnny, don't irritate the worthy gentleman : 
 and permit me, dear sir, to assure you, that J ohnny here, 
 would neither kill a cat, partake of one, or allow any 
 one else, knowingly." 
 
 "Why does he keep scratching me so, then, and 
 spitting in my face?" 
 
 " Because yer a strange hannimal, (ha, ha, ha!)" Jacky 
 only chuckled to himself. 
 
 " O, Johnny, don't call names." 
 
 " I didn't. Master Kent, I only said, as cats is always 
 afraid of strange dogs, as I might say, that though they 
 prefer soles in pairs, yet do you think if they was very 
 hungry, they'd refuse an odd-fish?" 
 
 " Since your name is Master Kent, do, if you fear 
 your Maker, and love your parents, and iver had a 
 floating drame of justice to Ireland — and would earn a 
 clane shilling — murder that villain for me." 
 
 " O, Johnny, do leave the place whilst I soothe the 
 good patriot's mind." 
 
 " Oh, two to one — you have turned too; I'm off," 
 and Jacky went down stairs nearly crying with laughter. 
 
 " Sur, I'm proud of the tone of your voice, and feel 
 
 H
 
 98 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 grateful for the turn in the conversation, as well as that 
 you have given to yon monster. For I'm convinced, 
 in my own mind, that he was the ganius that did the 
 draming and thin wanted to lay it upon me. I allowed 
 my brother to lay upon me before I was born, and if I 
 live, I'll lay upon yon fellow after I'm dead." 
 
 " Patriots — pardon me, should never be revengeful; 
 and I was introduced to you as a great one!" 
 
 "By whom?" 
 
 " The very young man you have been scolding." 
 
 " Bub, bub, I see he wants to set you a-draming too. 
 Patriot, the divil, all I want is justice to Ireland." 
 
 " I really, I fear — / am commencing dreaming ! " 
 
 " O, for the lord's sake, don't : keep me awake if you 
 iver wish to be roused at the last day: I'd sooner be 
 sparring with yon divil's seed than have another 
 drame — ^" 
 
 " Where, where, is the dear sufferer? oh, my Lothario 
 — a martyr to love, tender, romantic love: was ever so 
 much for a fond-one done?" 
 
 " Oh, my Daphne, you're come at last : you see what 
 I'm undertaking for your sake!" 
 
 " (For her sake ; oh, then I see Jacky was wrong 
 when he told me he was a patriot.)" Master Kent 
 thought all this. 
 
 " O let Love fan you with his wings, comfort you with 
 his promises, and give you fortitude with his bow and 
 little arrows." 
 
 " O, me Daphne ; I've suffered the pains of millions 
 of the damned — yon young monster that you met whin 
 coming in — d'ye know whin sitting fastened up here, he 
 whipped off my thumb for the purpose of selling it for 
 dissection, and I've had to pay an extra twenty-pound 
 fee to a city-surgeon to have it jointed nately. For, 
 me Daphne, what would have been the use of me coming
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 99 
 
 to your arms with a beautiful nose, if there was a thumb 
 wanting. And I had to borrow the amount off the 
 good doctor here: and he's just sint an express to say 
 that he'll never let me out of this vice until I have first 
 paid it. So give me the money at once, my darling 
 Daphne!" 
 
 " Indeed, my love, I think, at this rate, you will be 
 a dear Lothario, indeed. But let Love carry you out on 
 his fairy wings, knock down your cruel jailor with his 
 golden bow — " 
 
 " And pay the fee with his little arrow! what (damned) 
 stuff you do talk to me. Daphne: give me the money: 
 it's all along of you." 
 
 " Really, Colonel, how you talk — through your nose : 
 how your voice is altered!" 
 
 " It is, because, my tinder Daphne, I cannot talk through 
 my nose: I thought the difference between talking 
 through a chap's nose, and having one stopped, had been 
 known to every fellow that had iver worn cotton in his 
 
 ears." 
 
 " I've none in mine." 
 
 " How is it likely whin you let me run in debt for your 
 sake?" 
 
 "I fear I intrude, madam e, I will bid you good morning : 
 and you, sir, a good morning — " 
 
 "Hold, sir; stay, you must keep me company; you 
 must not leave me, but keep me from draming — " 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha, I think he would have some difficulty. 
 (O, what a beautiful youth ! there, is Love personified ! 
 Now, certainly, if ever a woman did a foolish thing, 
 running away with a youth so exquisitely fair would — be 
 excusable.) Stay, if you are going to take your departure, 
 my sweet sir, I will walk with you, and I'm sure I shall 
 be able to obtain for you better employment than that 
 of keeping — ^in broad day-light — a gallant Colonel from
 
 100 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 dreammg: this way, my most interesting, dear, sweet, 
 young friend. By — by Colonel." And the lady took 
 her departure side by side with Master William Kent. 
 
 " Why, thunder in a feather-bed ; my Daphne, you are 
 not going to lave me in that way, and I without so much 
 as a pawn-ticket in my pocket? they're gone, no doubt. 
 O lord, does any one think I'm beginning to drame again? 
 Daphne, Daphne ! O, horror ! I'd rather badger about 
 cats — no, I must not begin again about thim, or I'll be 
 draming sure enough. Is Daphne unfaithful? Niver, 
 after parting with above eight-hundred pounds: yit, she 
 left me very cool. If I thought she was going a cherry- 
 picking with that sweet little bird, I'd soon be selling 
 sparrow-heads at a halfpenny apiece. I thought old 
 cats should keep to vermin; but damned a thing comes 
 wrong, whether creatures that crawl in the air, sea, or 
 float upon land. Poverty is of no use to a poet unless 
 he has genius, nor is it essential to the voracity of a cat 
 that she should be hungry — " 
 
 " S-q-u-ea-k-mew, m-ew, s-q-u-e-a-k." 
 
 " O, mighty Jupiter, there is the divil agin : now I'll 
 know whether I'm draming or not: if my nose is fast 
 they forgit I can bite me thumb: it hurts sure enough: 
 there I've nearly bitten it oiF: let's see if I can puff my 
 nose: Och, the villains well know that proof is out of 
 my power. Ha, ha, but my thumb is all right : let's see 
 if I can stamp upon my toe : ha, ha, I've nearly crushed 
 a corn off I know — that is one comfort. Let the villain 
 commince his gammoks; I'm as right as I was wrong 
 when I was left before. I'll see how far this young 
 monster will carry it. Wait, until my nose is unscrewed^ 
 and thin I'll rusticate my drum-sticks upon his parch- 
 ment." 
 
 And now, for a moment, we must leave the patient to 
 see what is going on in the doctor's house.
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 101 
 
 The reader has heard some hints about a full-dress 
 rehearsal; he will now see how the thing is to be 
 managed. Jacky had got his new vampire-dress; and 
 terrible enough it was; giving the figure much the 
 appearance of the flying squirrel, with this difference, 
 that the skin, instead of hair, was supplied with scales 
 of almost every colour; all bearing a frightful glare: the 
 eyes were of horrid-looking glass : protrusive, and awfully 
 offensive: the cheeks were mountains, of ruby colour. 
 It would be impossible to describe the mouth, save for 
 its capability for voracity. The depth, width, length, 
 and shape of the teeth, were terrible to be — held by. 
 The wings were bat-like : and the hands, with nails, that 
 would satisfy any terrier for incisors. The toe-nails 
 were evidently designed for equally savage purposes; 
 indeed the whole was unique, and did the Royal 
 Sanspareil management intense credit. 
 
 Jacky was equipped in this new costume : all were in 
 readiness. 
 
 The Colonel was chuckling about his being wide- 
 awake; when the parties entered, as well the audience 
 part, as those who were to work the machinery, scenery, 
 &c. The lady Daphne was left in the house, talking to 
 what she was pleased to term, the sweetest youth in 
 the world. 
 
 Every thing was ready. 
 
 The performance commenced with partial darkness: 
 a roll of thunder. 
 
 " Blazes, what a suddin change in the weather; who 
 would have expicted thunder?" soliloquised the Colonel, 
 imagining it was some real though somewhat distant 
 meteorological phenomena to which he had been listening. 
 
 A terrible flash of lightning. 
 
 ^' By saint Jupiter, I hope this vice will not conduct 
 the electricity up my nose, it would be as bad as that
 
 102 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 cJiicken-hrothy a very tinder chicken! O Lord, but that 
 was a terrible clap, and must be divilish near as it came 
 before the lio^htnin^!" 
 
 This was the fact, the doctor did the thunder, and 
 was in such a hurry to make an impression, that he kept 
 shaking away at the sheet-iron faster than his servant, 
 Master Stratford, could fire the lightning. 
 
 Lightning ; hang I This was a small piece of ordnance 
 fired below. 
 
 A five-hall wliizzes past the ColoneVs head, and explodes 
 close to him. 
 
 " Oh ! that my nose was loose : the fee and Daphne 
 might go to the divil !" 
 
 Total darkness, 
 
 " Thank Hivin ! I can still bite my thumb, or else I'd 
 begin to think the drame- season was commincing. To 
 the divil with Daphne I " 
 
 A voice — " Blasphemy ! " 
 
 " To Hivin with her, thin. O Lord ! save me." 
 
 A laugh hy a score of fiends. 
 
 " Shall I wrench off my nose?" 
 
 A thin scream of ghosts. 
 
 " O, that would be unlawful, thin : O Lord, dirict a 
 miserable villin — and yet, I'll swear I can bite my 
 thumb." 
 
 A trumpet sounds more dreadfully than the Colonel had 
 ever heard it when dreaming of the last day. 
 
 Trumpet — " Renounce the Lady Bourgoin." 
 
 " You may take her to make witches of; or to patch 
 up an old shrivelled ghost, or so." 
 
 Trumpet — " What makes you babble about justice to 
 Ireland ? " 
 
 " Why does a rogue ever talk about honesty?" 
 
 Intense darkness : during which time a large mirror is 
 let down exactly opposite to the ColoneVs face — then the
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 103 
 
 whole is in brilliant light. Feats of the vampire commence ; 
 vampire squeaks — -jumps. Laughs of fiends ; screaming- 
 whistle of ghosts ; and, lastly , the vampire springs upon 
 the Colonel's head! 
 
 The Colonel became so horrified, that he actually 
 wrenched his nose out of the vice ; not, as may be sup- 
 posed, without leaving it some of its skin. 
 
 And again the gallant patient toppled over. 
 
 All the dramatic properties, &c, &c., were removed; 
 the Colonel recovered, rushed wildly out of the loft, and 
 was just making his way up the garden, when whom 
 should he meet but, first, the great Doctor Benzoni and 
 the Lady Bourgoin; next, all the doctor's family, with 
 the honourable Master William Kent ; and, last of all, 
 the faithful domestic, Jacky. 
 
 " Ah ! " said the doctor, meeting the red-nosed and 
 frightfully pale-faced Colonel O'Craizem, "Joy, joy, Joy! 
 mine dear friend; congratulate me for the great cure I 
 have perform : your nose is now as soft as pliables, and 
 will soon grow as straight as mines. Joy, joy! now for 
 the diamond snuff-box ! Here is miracles for you ! " 
 
 " Start ! you infernal — you fiends ! I suppose I have 
 been draming, this time ? " 
 
 " No, mine frien, I only mesmerise you ; then, with 
 mine great arts — which I study twenty years in Egypt 
 and Japans — I conjure all sorts of terrible things, which 
 so frighten you, that you give your noshe a terrible 
 iwisht, and one terrible pull; sets your organs — which 
 from birth had been out of joint — and the crack it made, 
 when it got to the right place, bring us all out to con- 
 gratulate you ; the report was as loud as thunder and 
 lights I I now pronounce you the finest man in the 
 world : depart in peace vohiscum I Preach up mine 
 miracles, evens to the wilderness." 
 
 " Oh ! all this was done on purpose, then ? " said the
 
 104 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Colonel, who felt a little relieved from his terror ; still, 
 his appearance was so pitiable — and, from something 
 Jacky had seen in the behaviour of Lady Bourgoin — 
 that the ex-vampire took him into his room, renovated 
 the sufferer, sticking-plastered his nose, got him some 
 refreshment, and made him up a sofa-bed : William 
 Kent, and, no doubt, the Lady Daphne, would have 
 lent willing help, but she had ridden expressly home, 
 and would insist Master Kent took a seat in the carriao-e 
 with her. 
 
 Then the Colonel said — when a little broucrht to him- 
 self — that, if he had died under the operation, so long 
 as he lived he should not be surprised !
 
 THE LORD or THE MANOR. 105 
 
 CHAPTEK X. 
 
 Easter Monday now arrived, and with it the grand 
 rehearsal for the evening. The stage-manager and 
 Jacky had received a carte blanche, as to the monkey- 
 dej)artment ; and, certainly, what with the invention of 
 Jacky, and the aptness of the stage-director, something 
 new, and in all ways brilliant, was done. Nay, when 
 night came, the management was as much startl«d as 
 the audience, at the novelty, power, and miraculous 
 agility of the great Professor Costello. 
 
 The evening has arrived ; the professor arrives at the 
 stage-door of the Royal Sanspareil. And how does the 
 reader think the professor made his way thither ? thinks 
 he that he has walked, omnibussed, or carred it ? Oh, 
 no ! nothing of that sort. No ; but in a great foreign 
 nobleman's carriage ! a nobleman, covered with stars, 
 orders, cart-rope gold chains, rings, and studs. The 
 title of the nobleman was not known, though all said it 
 would be in the newspapers next morning. We shall 
 not let the reader wait so long ; for know, it was the 
 great Doctor Benzoni's carriage; and the nobleman 
 who was in the manifestation of so much condescension 
 to his protege — the Professor Costello — was the great 
 Doctor Benzoni himself. 
 
 " Huzza I" from we don't know how many voices who 
 saw the arrival.
 
 106 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " See wot jolly respect the foreign noblemen pays to 
 the hactors, towards our English bits of snips do." 
 
 This was agreed to, by all in all. 
 
 " Three thousand seven-hundred could not get in!" — 
 so the bills of the Royal Sanspareil said, next morning. 
 
 The great invention of Jacky was this — to have five 
 other monkeys dressed so like himself, and also to be so 
 near his size and appearance, that it would be impossible 
 to tell one from the other; particularly as their transits 
 were so rapid — they only having to peep in from a corner 
 — hang from the ceiling, or the bough of a tree : " rick" 
 and then disappear — the great professor doing all the 
 rest. 
 
 Now, although the piece was called "the monkey- 
 vampire of Tchacasipapyogoos," as we have said, yet, 
 the reader must not suppose the Professor Costello's per- 
 formance commenced with the vampire business : no, he 
 was first of all, a baboon of the first class ; born, as we 
 have hinted before, with very unusual phenomena: in- 
 deed, his mother was a rock, and his father a mountain- 
 demon in the neighbourhood. His first appearance, 
 then, in this world, may be said to be attended with 
 fore- warning circumstances: indeed there could be no 
 doubt that the birthling would be a very sturdy monster, 
 if not, in reasonable time, a somewhat successful demon. 
 We, perhaps, need not say that he never grew an inch 
 from his birth: in other words, the "baboon of the 
 mountain and rock" was as big a lad as ever he was a 
 man. 
 
 The career of this young gentleman was somewhat 
 curious, probably arising in some degree from his 
 education, paternal example, and advice. 
 
 It has been much the fashion, of late, to ascribe the 
 right of early instruction and moulding of mind of the 
 young, to the mother; as it is said that all right prin-
 
 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 107 
 
 ciples, feelings, habits, and the rest, must be impressed 
 by her upon her offspring, almost as soon as she perceives 
 her infant's fondness for that nurture which sustains him 
 during the intellectual regimen. This may be true as 
 far as the " gentler habits" are concerned, and it was, 
 probably, the singular indifference that the mother of 
 our hero showed towards the early training of her son, 
 that made him, first of all, so mischievous, and after- 
 wards, the ready tool of his cruel papa — the demon of 
 the mountain. For, scarcely had he achieved a few 
 cocoa-nut robberies, and youthful calisthenic distinctions, 
 than his father appeared before him — not, as many im- 
 mortals have visited the nether earth, in golden chariots 
 or silver clouds, but preceded by a whirlwind, and 
 attended by minor spirits of the mountain — potent 
 gentlemen enough, no doubt, but still not fitting for the 
 high employments to which the truly-begotten son of 
 their master was destined. 
 
 The first meeting of the father and son was not 
 characterized so much by tenderness, as it was by the 
 appalling nature of the father's disclosures, advice, com- 
 mands — and the employments which he gave his son. 
 Amongst other undertakings wherein he pledged his 
 son to an immediate engagement, was to take all the 
 young maidens which he could catch and carry away, 
 to the top of his favourite mountain — these were to sup- 
 ply his father's table — he and his friends never eating 
 less than three a-day. The next was, all the small babies 
 he was to carry to the top of a tree, and use them for his 
 own sustenance — hut not one female infant. The in- 
 junction seemed so necessary that the father repeated it 
 several times over, and never did it but the heavens 
 split and the earth rolled — so the programme of the 
 bills said. And, perhaps, the reason was that, if the 
 purveyor began eating the female babies, there would
 
 108 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 be no maidens with which to supply the mountain- 
 table. 
 
 A good genius next arose, or rather descended from a 
 beautiful star, and in a musical committee consisting of 
 herself and some scores of half-naked genii, made 
 resolutions and arrano-ements to frustrate the evil 
 machinations against their sex and proteges, of the 
 demon of the mountain. One plan was to dress a little 
 female genius as a boy of that kingdom; then, if the 
 terrible heir of the mountain-demon took her and ate 
 her, in a mistake, they would remind his father of his 
 son's disobedience — and would not there be a rumpus? 
 Of course, we must do this committee the justice to say 
 that, although they were going to dress-up a little female 
 sacrifice to this evil-one, and that, too, for the purpose 
 of being eaten alive; yet, it was understood, and a 
 minute entered upon their books, that it should be again 
 restored to existence; and that, too, at the same time 
 that the kidnappers should be doomed to annihilation, 
 and lasting torments. 
 
 This is a sketch of the plot : only it will be seen that 
 the ladies made a slight miscalculation, when they talked 
 about annihilation: no, change his form they could and 
 did — but we fear not for the better — from a monkey — a 
 desperate one, it is true — into a vampire. A vampire, 
 too, as it may be supposed, of the most fearful activity; 
 and, from his unchaste and reckless education, of the 
 most obdurate, indurate, and calculating callosity. 
 
 The first appearance of the monkey was the signal for 
 that display of enthusiasm which is ever given, by an 
 English audience, to a foreign actor. The reception 
 was uproarious: the first few gambols, glorious: but all 
 were thrown into obscurity by the feeling and im- 
 passioned manner in which the son exhibited his filial 
 piety at the approach of his august father. Pathos, in
 
 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 109 
 
 a monkey, was new. And the Sanspareil audience 
 evinced proper gratitude for the boon. 
 
 And now came the surprise, which was one even to 
 the management, and whole corps dramatique. And 
 that was in the scene when the monkey is pursued by 
 the good genii, for the purpose of touching him with 
 the fatal wand — to annihilate him. This was the first 
 part we more particularly alluded to, as to the pro- 
 fessor's invention — his having a number of monkeys 
 dressed like himself, and this was the display. They 
 were fixed in different parts of the house, round the front 
 of the boxes, ceiling, top of the proscenium, &c; and, 
 so soon as the chase commenced, each popped his head 
 out, " ricked," did a gambol, and then withdrew; but 
 all was done with such precision and rotation, that the 
 audience, (as, indeed, who would not?) thought that the 
 whole was the wonderful result of the extraordinary 
 agility of Professor Costello. The applause was 
 rapturous; but, at last, when the professor was seen 
 at the very top of the theatre, dangling by one foot, 
 and eventually making a spring, turning a summerset, 
 and dropping the frightful distance from the ceiling to 
 the stage ; seizing one of the good genii, and carrying 
 her off in triumph — the applauders tried, but could 
 not effect a climax. If the theatre had been found to 
 be tumbling, or on fire, there could not be a greater 
 commotion. 
 
 The vampire career (for, by this time, he was turned 
 into one of those unhappy wretches) was equally won- 
 derful; heightening in horror, pathos, and the rewardship 
 of virtue — the annihilation of the vampire ! the destruc- 
 tion of the mountain-monster! the restoration of the 
 eaten virgins and babies! the feelings and tone of the 
 audience! the green-curtain and gas-lights were brought 
 to a greater vraisemblance than they had maintained
 
 110 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 ever since the commencement of the powerfully-con- 
 structed drama. 
 
 The calling for the professor to come and face 
 the audience in the front, then commenced; and such a 
 commencement, and continuance, surely, was never heard 
 before. 
 
 The principal manager, in person, immediately appeared 
 in front, and such had been the rapidity of the professor's 
 movements and metamorphoses, that the audience 
 thought this was another surprise, and cheered accor- 
 dingly. 
 
 The manager placed his white kid glove to the usual 
 place, bowed, hemmed, and the audience silenced for a 
 speech from the great professor. No, it was the mere 
 " ladies-and-gentlemen" of a manager's begging of the 
 audience some concession against their — and, of course, 
 in his favour. However, the speech was received with 
 tolerable patience and even with applause, since it con- 
 cluded with an assurance that the great Professor Cos- 
 tello would have the honour of bowing to them so soon 
 as he was in possession of certain breath he had lost in 
 the performance, and had time to make himself fitting for 
 the high honour they were about to confer upon him. 
 
 Five minutes more, and no professor. 
 
 Even the great foreign nobleman in the private box 
 began to exhibit signs of impatience. 
 
 Second manager bows: do let him entreat for two 
 minutes longer: the professor's excitement; first night 
 before a British audience; the well-known sympathy of 
 a British audience; love of justice of a British audience; 
 wives and children of a British audience; homes and 
 sweet-hearts; the wooden walls, all, all, being true 
 British glory. 
 
 "Huzza!" 
 
 The Professor!
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. Ill 
 
 Andj certainly, the audience were as much taken by 
 surprise as ever; for, before them stood a creature, in 
 all so different from the one who had been electrifying 
 their passions, that they again marvelled. Instead of 
 the fierce monkey and more frightful vampire, stood, in 
 deep black, and the whitest of linen, a slender and 
 youthful figure; nay, he would be considered a boy, but 
 for the strong black moustache. 
 
 This last part of the management was due to the 
 great Doctor Benzoni's tact. And this last part of 
 the management was the making of the management 
 of the Koyal Sanspareil. All was carried by acclama- 
 tion, not unmingled with tears of admiration and 
 astonishment. The managers announced their intentions 
 of running the piece for three years, with Saturday- 
 night illuminations; drank champagne until three o'clock 
 in the morning, and mistook for their lodgings these of 
 some of the young ladies of the spiritual committee. 
 
 But though they forgot their wives and their lodgings 
 in these hours of general joy, their wives did not forget 
 them. Domestic tribulations in the management ! M 
 
 But, what had the public to do with them? 
 
 "The greatest hit ever made on this planet. Professor 
 CosteUo's engagement made positive for three years. 
 The monkey vampire of the long name, &c. &c. for that 
 time." This was the next morning's announcement. 
 
 On treasury day, the whole company, at Jacky's 
 approach, opened as did the Red Sea of old, and formed 
 a sort of living wall on each side of the new debutant, and 
 let him pass first to the treasury door. It was some time 
 since they had had full salaries — now there could be no 
 doubt. They were right: the two managers received 
 the professor with the most humiliating respect; en- 
 treated him to sit whilst they stood — enquired about his 
 sleep, his health; whether his terrific jumps or springs,
 
 112 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 and falls, had either impaired his limbs or his under- 
 standing, and the rest, and the rest. 
 
 Jacky was never in a more flourishing state of health, 
 happiness, and spirits. Then the management begged 
 that Professor Costello would accept £20, and would be 
 pleased not to require more weekly, until the theatre 
 recovered a little more strength in the back; as though, 
 on the whole, a tolerably healthy and good constitutioned 
 theatre, yet, had been somewhat weak in the important 
 part of her frame just mentioned. And the expenses 
 had been enormous: the portrait of the professor alone 
 costing two hundred guineas; scenery, dresses, and — 
 but Jacky cut all short by expressing his sincere con- 
 currence in all that had been done, and would (why not?) 
 accept the salary at once. Jacky went further, said that 
 when the treasury had finished its duties, he would have 
 no objection to adjourn to the next tavern, and lush 
 there until the hour of performance. The managers 
 scratched their heads, rather, at this proposal. Had 
 the professor expressed a desire of taking champagne 
 and- kidneys with the management and a select friend or 
 two — perhaps some of the ladies of the female committee 
 — it would have been right — but to go lushing with the 
 whole company^ it was rather squeezish: they felt it, 
 knew the awkwardness of the thing, but then, they knew 
 they had got the professor's services at old-ballad prices, 
 and durst but obey. All great men were whimmy, and it 
 would be dangerous to neglect, or not fall into thehumours 
 of the greatest and most startling artist in the world. 
 
 Mr. Cousins also waited at the treasury-door — ex- 
 tended his arms at the very appearance of Jacky's return 
 — locked him in them on his approach, and said — of 
 course, with tears in his eyes — that his present joy almost 
 compensated him for the loss he had sustained through 
 the Cheshire church-yard.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 113 
 
 Jacky then began to count out the ten guineas; but 
 the good Mr. Cousins could only be prevailed upon to 
 accept five. The fact was, he was afraid the trick might 
 get a little breath — thence proceeding to a wind, it might 
 cause such a breeze about the prompter's chair that 
 would not only render things inconvenient, but put out 
 the gas-light by which he prompted, altogether. He 
 assured Jacky that he was, probably, the greatest crea- 
 ture that, at that moment, retained breath: that he 
 must be very select amidst his professional brethren, 
 and above all must — since his business was of such a 
 fiendish nature — attend to his christian duties; love his 
 great Creator, and come and lodge with him. 
 
 Jacky, however, had not much time for talk, but 
 hurried off to see his mother, a lady whom, we are 
 ashamed to say, he had not seen for two years, and not 
 above two or three times for many periods of similar 
 duration: and as Jacky had two or three other things 
 to perform by the way, we will introduce the reader to 
 an entirely new scene, and a few new players, but must 
 here end 
 
 PART THE FIRST.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 PART 11. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 No man should take up his pen without some motive; 
 whether to promote some views of his own, though wicked, 
 or, if it advantage him, to crush those of another, though 
 virtuous. This may be said to be selfish: why, that is 
 just it, but then it is straightforward. You may mistake 
 a man, but seldom his pen — if used often enough. Thus, 
 whilst some quills' have been muscularly employed in 
 the reviling of gin-shops, and what are, by their wielders, 
 termed, " the resorts of the dissipated," let it be our 
 humble effort, with the reader's gentle sympathies, to 
 draw our steel and ink in their defence; better, it is 
 trusted, than the steel and blood which have been drawn 
 to support more ancient, though, perhaps, less useful 
 institutions. 
 
 For what could the poor man do without them ; so 
 long, at least, as there is an equal number of well- 
 established and well-capitalled pawn-shops? If ladies go 
 a-shopping, not because they stand in need, but because 
 they have just received their pin or card money, their 
 allowance, or state bribes; why, surely, a poor man, or 
 his dearer help-mate, after pawning her bed-tick or 
 children's pillows, her own shoes or her landlady's
 
 116 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 fire-irons, has a right to carry the proceeds to where 
 they will meet the readiest welcome. That place is the 
 flaming temple at the top of the dark street, into which 
 the still gloomier court breathes its stenches. 
 
 What else could the family do with them? Why, 
 nothing, unless buy rosin-chips or coals : stay at home to 
 cook a hot supper: even then, perhaps, scald their 
 mouths in eating it — go to bed so early that they could not 
 sleep after six in the morning — or, perhaps, come to the 
 gloomy determination of never going to a dram-shop 
 again ! 
 
 Let us leave such murky, fill-belly, mawky deter- 
 minations — dingy-court and sooty-cellar comforts, and 
 attend the levee of the noble proprietor and gentlemanly 
 assistants, of yon one-hundred monster-puncheon bower: 
 where, in day, it is made blithe by the smiles of the 
 proprietor himself — at night, by more, and brighter gas 
 than that of the adjoining thirteen back streets — their 
 courts, alleys, piggeries, and all the Irish lodging-houses. 
 Not a barrel but has a gorgeous picture on its breast: 
 not a hoop but sends forth more splendour than Yenus' 
 zone. The shining garniture of the monstrous Old 
 Tom himself, shows that his wealth and discretion are 
 equal to his size and comeliness. 
 
 Not a pump-handle, even for the most maudlin 
 beer, but would vie, in inlaid-work, with the temple of 
 Solomon. The ceiling renders that of the Queen's 
 drawing-room no longer a sight to the lieges. The 
 mural enrichments struggle for mastery over that again. 
 But the counter, of divers woods, and marble tops; the 
 spirit stands, and glassery, in turn compel the other to 
 recede with becoming modesty. 
 
 Who could look at this abode of the Blisses without 
 entering — entering, without wishing to sip from the 
 many sparkling fountains — nay, get drunk with the
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 117 
 
 insplritive joy of the mass, and pine-apple rum ; quaff 
 Lethe from every bursting spring; ascend his frightful 
 shores, 'midst the odours of handmaids' scented clothes, 
 perfumed breaths, and the fragrant pipes of cabmen 
 steeped in heavy muddle. 
 
 So much in praise of this modern Pantheon — which, 
 we may here observe, is on the Surrey-side of West- 
 minster bridge — and now, something in favour of the 
 principal godhead. 
 
 The proprietor of this poor man's Elysium was not 
 less an entity in the scheme of social happiness, than the 
 temple itself: he had done many things to cheer his heart 
 and make smooth his pillow, should anything, at any 
 time, hint to him the probability of his not wanting the 
 latter any more, or the former going cold after its being 
 so warm during the greater portion of his pilgrimage. 
 It is true that, in the earliest part of it, he had not been 
 so stiffly honest, as, he had satisfied his neighbours, was 
 the case in his wealthier struggles through this naughty, 
 though, to him, considerate world. 
 
 And, even then, he considered that all his answers to 
 impertinent questions, put by a little troublesome chap 
 who lived in his breast, would have been more pat, but 
 for having had read to him that beautiful apophthegm of 
 Dr. Franklin's, which sayeth: " It is hard for an 
 empty sack to stand upright." He was an empty one 
 then, now is a very full one, and in his own affecting 
 words, he had long given the sack to such pernicious 
 advice: nay, that he would never have an empty sack 
 near his, though the property of his own brother, mother, 
 or father. Let the empty sacks lie by themselves ! 
 
 Now this good man's name was Joseph Mellow, and 
 this good man's person was somewhat short: but, then, 
 it was very plump and equally sleek: had a very 
 benevolent face at the top of it, with a rather wicked
 
 118 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 eye therein — carefully-combed black hair over that again 
 — ^whilst the age of the whole was about forty-five. 
 
 He had a beloved wife and five darling children: all 
 of whom (so he said at a dissenting tea-party) were " the 
 children of her bosom and his line." 
 
 This worthy missis (that is what he called her) said 
 that, though the perprietress of one of the j oiliest dram- 
 vaults in all London, she would never have a babby 
 inoculated from any other little babby's arm, unless both 
 its papa and mamma were teetotallers. Joseph used to say 
 that he did not think it mattered so much, as that, from 
 the youngest to the very eldest, he never allowed one 
 to peep, let alone ever to serve, in the temple. There were 
 poor people's children enough to learn temptation and 
 the mysteries of the sacred — and, as always was the 
 case — money-making temple. They should neither serve 
 the contents of Old Tom, nor their time to any trade— 
 unless to a bishop, or if one of the senior judges took a 
 fancy to one of 'em. 
 
 As to the young ladies; well, certainly, a year or so 
 as maids of honour might give a little polish : they might 
 not need it, as they would have every thing which goold 
 could tach 'em — but there was time enough to think of 
 these things: — as the largest licen-sed vittler in the 
 kingdom, why he paid the greatest amount of duties 
 to the king, and, therefore, ought to receive correspond- 
 ing family favours. 
 
 Now Joseph had, beside this residentiary establishment, 
 seven others: keeping up his own surname upon them, 
 because of its great popularity, but varying the christian 
 names in the licenses, and putting into them those of 
 his cousins, nephews, or nieces, as might be — all, however, 
 from the country. Then he owned a third in three 
 smashing pawn-shops, in which were his own brothers; 
 and, to show that he was not ostentatious, his name did
 
 THE LOED OP THE MANOR. 119 
 
 not appear in any of these firms, though carefully placed 
 in the bonds — which bonds, with equal prudence, were 
 not only placed, but could at any time be found, in his 
 fire-proof safe. 
 
 " Ah," said Joseph, " a lot of would-be-very-wise- 
 people, talks of the hurt such establishments as these is 
 calkilated to do to the suckling, as well as the more 
 adult popelation. There may be some as does — for even 
 a church gets abused — but grant it; see the good I does 
 by my three pawn-shops ; (because they are mine ha, ha, 
 ha! whatever the magistracy may pre-sub-mise to the 
 conter-a-ry;) see, I say, the thousands I daily keep from 
 crowding the work -houses, or smashing lamps, or plate- 
 glass panes, the penalties of which is three months* food 
 and clothin in a jail. If it was not for the money I loan 
 out of these shops, at all hours of day or night, what a 
 many would have to drowned themselves in the Tames 
 river, in order they could commit suiside. Ah, how little 
 does the unpremeditating world think of that! 
 
 " Then, when I was the relieving officer of Lambeth, 
 was I not a father to thousands of poor wanderin 
 creeters? 
 
 '' And is not my wife a mother to her ^ve children? 
 
 " Did not I advokit the enhancipation of the poor 
 black-man, when I found that it would not interfere 
 with the price of rum? 
 
 " And though I may have done a good deal of mixing 
 up of my hardened spirits — which after all will do no 
 hurt if the drinker will dilute 'em with a strong dose of 
 water — and smugglin, doesn't every body else do the 
 same? 
 
 " And though my place is supported by such char- 
 ac-ters, did I ever serve the biggest prig or the most 
 smashin lady, amongst 'em, after twelve of Saturday 
 night — or rather of the blessed sabbath mornin? Not
 
 120 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 but, though there is a heavy penalty against it, did I 
 ever refuse to a good customer — in a quantity — and 
 perticler if I thought, nay knowed, he durst not tell. 
 
 " And what man and his family attends better to his 
 duties, or is oftener visited by his clergyman, or his wife 
 by his pastor's lady — than mine? 
 
 " And if ever the divil tempted me to go astray, did 
 I ever rob my family of a pound — ^for such work: and 
 then did I not always say my prayers before and after? 
 
 "Besides, I am worth fifty thousand pound:" said 
 Joseph, with an imperative nod of the head. " These 
 are warming considerations," continued the worthy self- 
 examinant, rubbing his waistcoat from the very bottom 
 to the very top ; " they warm without." 
 
 And Joseph took a little brandy, with hot water and 
 lump sugar; thanked Heaven for its manifold blessings, 
 and — he felt cheered within.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 121 
 
 CHAPTER 11. 
 
 And now to business. The reader may, perhaps, im- 
 agine, after the luxurious picture of the establishment 
 and its owner, that its customers are on an equally 
 elevated, and richly-attired scale. Why no, to say the 
 truth, the customers were no such visionaries, but seemed 
 rather to seek the blandishments of their temple than to 
 rival it by any ostentatiousness on their part. As we 
 see the same in priest-jockeyed countries — their cathe- 
 drals and their congregations always forming the most 
 pleasing contrasts. And not only in their attire were 
 they indifferent, but, though nice in the smell of Old 
 Tom's contents, they were singularly remiss as to that 
 of each other. And Joseph and his assistants being 
 very particular, in these little respects, it accounts for 
 the width of the counters — and the seventeen ventilators. 
 
 But, as the reader has seen the palace, we will now 
 introduce him to its votaries. 
 
 Mrs. Brady, there, is an Irish lady; (and the beloved 
 mother of Mr. John Stratford;) she is standing with 
 Mrs. Johnson, the maternal grand-mother of the fair- 
 faced William Kent. She deals in lemons — her basket 
 is behind her, in which are about two dozen. 
 
 Then the other is a Welshwoman — at home, but a 
 lady here. The hoarse man is a pot-seller from Lanca- 
 shire. The other dozen, who are staring so, are
 
 122 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 miscellaneous : — not exactly Rag, Tag, and Robert Tail, 
 but Jink Jack, Tinker Mat, and Sir Stuggy O'Rale. 
 
 " The truth of the matter is, we are all born to woe, 
 Mother Johnson — " 
 
 " O, my dear Mrs. Brady, your discoorse is always so 
 cheering. " 
 
 " — With a little of something to wash it down: but 
 go on with your story — here's to you in heavy." 
 
 ''■ Ah, my heart's heavy enough, Mrs. Brady : but, as 
 I was saying, my two eldest daughters comed up to me 
 — them as is in business — the most fashionablest milliners 
 — but you know, anywhere. Well, I say, they got on 
 one side of me ; my son from the bank — yes, Mrs. Brady, 
 although so young, he's second cash-keeper there : then 
 my other son, as is head booker at Chaddock's & So.^ 
 and one as I loves better than all — almost — my eldest 
 daughter's son — her as is dead, poor lamb ! — blessed little 
 boy — William Kent — they all attackted me at once ; one 
 on them with his arm round my neck, and my best of 
 husbands with my hand hold of his; all impertreating 
 me to abandon myself from lemon-selling, getting too 
 much gin — without, and, don't be offended, my love, 
 they didn't mean you — my low acquaintances, old shoes, 
 and unwashed under-gear. Well, you know what I mean 
 — be a mother once more to my family, then they would 
 all subscribe to make me a rale lady. ^ Yes, and,' says 
 my eldest daughter, ' you shall have the most finest 
 clothes, and a quart of stout a-day,' to commence the 
 attack on my bad habits. ' And a noggin of gin,' says 
 the banker, Heaving off by a thimbleful a-day; and 
 tobacco and snuff in reasonable dacincy,' to pass on my 
 time till I had a relish for more improving studies — 
 fancying of my meals, instead of intoxicating drinks; 
 going to a theatre, or to a chapel, for change, instead of, 
 what he calls, one of these dens of innifunny — don't be
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 123 
 
 vexed, love, he doesn't know you come here — and selling 
 lemons — " 
 
 "Chapel to the divil! do I ever miss of a Sunday- 
 morning? — but proceed. I am afraid you have but a 
 queer family — slightly upstartish: but go on, Divil 
 Johnson — chapel ! " 
 
 " ' Well,' and says my dear husband, ^ to show you 
 how happy I am at the promise' — I had promised to 
 become one of the family — ' of the wife of the best family 
 in England, as I first fell in love with you, for those dear 
 little foots, in my youth, I'll make you the prettiest pair 
 of shoes I ever made yet ; I'll make them with my own 
 hands,' says he, ' although I keep twelve men, yes,' says 
 he, ' if I stay from my duties next Sunday.' And then 
 I give him a kiss, and we all cried, we was so happy as 
 I was declaimed." 
 
 "No doubt, what the honest people call 'reclamed,' 
 but go on, Divil Johnson; such fire of joy will soon meet 
 with some cold water, I'm thinking. But how's the 
 exchicquer? even woe, as joy, must have its support, or 
 else why so much whisky at a funeral, or fireworks at 
 a rejoicing — och! you've plinty left I see. Here, two 
 goes of gin — proceed." 
 
 " Well, my sweet, dear husband kept his word, and 
 made me the shoes last Sunday, and I went to church 
 with all my family at night, with my new clothes, and 
 I was, I thank my Redeemer, quite an altered woman; 
 and my husband said, * Bless them little foots, they look 
 as well as they did the first day I prayed it might be 
 my good fortune, at some time or other, to have the 
 measuring of them.' 
 
 " Well, at supper, I'd my quart of stout, and my 
 noggin of gin, and my 'lowance of tobacco and snufF. I 
 didn't sleep very well after such a sudden limitation, but 
 I was resolved to get used to it. And so the next
 
 124 TPTE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 morning I rose early, and my husband gave me three 
 shillings to take little Billy Kent, as he's a scholar, you 
 know, to show him the Diorama, and for him to look 
 after me, as I suppose, for fear some of my old friends 
 might wish me to take my mornin with 'em — " 
 
 " Served him right if you had; to be prigged about 
 by a young shrimp of a grand-son — it's him as led my 
 Jack astray — I'd like a child of mine — but proceed." 
 
 "Well, I unbethought me as we was going along 
 Rupert street, that, about a fortnight before, I had left 
 two dozen of lemons — the landlady thinking I was a 
 little too far gone to see 'em home, and so I thought I 
 might as well get the price of 'em, as I had declinated 
 the business, and show my old customer my fine clothes, 
 my new shoes, and what an altered creeter I was, and 
 also to advise her to go to chapel, and to act as an 
 example to her poor be-gas-smoked customers. I had 
 just begun to make her cry, and confess her wicked life, 
 when in come an old friend, who had been receiving her 
 son's prize-money as had been shot in an engagement; 
 and she begun to cry too, to see my changed condition, 
 and to think what a good son the lad as was shot was; 
 and so we all three cried so that we begun to chick-up, 
 and a corn-doctor as was there, said we might all go off 
 in a fit, unless we took a drop of somethin. Little Billy 
 started at this, and pulled at my gown: — but then, to 
 die in a fit ! and so — I took a little drop of port wine — " 
 
 "Made you sick?" 
 
 "Right, Mrs. Brady, I was worse; so then we all 
 agreed to take a drop of pale-brandy. — ^I would not have 
 touched it, only it was so very pale. Well, I was a bit 
 better, but still did not feel right until- 
 
 " You got to the real genuine blue.' 
 
 " You are a profit. I was — indeed, we all was easier 
 after the first glass: — and that first had been my last — 
 
 ?5
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 125 
 
 but where was Willy Kent? I suspected, all at once, 
 that he had run home to tell his grand-father." 
 
 " A little monster, I would have took another out of 
 revinge." 
 
 " I did, and should have gone home and presumed my 
 plan of reformation, but I was afraid Johnson might 
 come and catch me in the place, and so I off to another: 
 I recollect getting a drop there, I was so terrified at 
 what I had done — and then I suppose I must have got 
 some more, and have gone somewhere else — where, I 
 have no recollection; but I'll be da7nned if somebody had 
 not stole the new shoes off my feet — and the very first 
 day I had 'em on!" 
 
 " O world, O world, thy infamies ! — but order another 
 pot of stout, Divil Johnson, before I begin my sympathe- 
 tics. Ah, there! what, steal the shoes of your feet? O 
 planet, O planet, henceforth call thee not earth. ' And 
 yet it's not the shoes I care a damn about!" 
 " What! a new pair, made of a Sunday?" 
 " It's not that I care for — don't teaze me childer! No, 
 Divil Johnson, it's not the shoes — but it is the un gal- 
 lantry of the act that's freezing the beer upon my 
 stomach. If I had been a hen, instead of a lady, that 
 tale had made a hole through my gizzard — to the divil 
 with the beer — or here, give it to the childer — order in 
 some snips of the rale thing. What? to stale thim off 
 your feet! thank the saints, the act did not polute ould 
 Ireland; I wonder what country gave birth to the mon- 
 ster. I don't think an Englishman would have done it, 
 as, to do him justice, he's naturally polite to a lady. A 
 Scotsman durst not — so far out of his own country. 
 Would a Taffy? Why, yes, if he could have humbugged 
 his conscience that he had found them. But an Irish- 
 man! instead of prigging the unprotected shoes off a 
 female, would have pulled the petticoats over them : —
 
 126 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 becase, by how much more you wanted protection, by 
 so much more would he have found it his duty to have 
 afforded it till you ; and as, no doubt, you were in a state 
 of beastly intoxication, he ought to have taken you up 
 in his arms; sought out the place of your abode; taken 
 you to your own door, and have said; ^ Mr. Johnson, 
 Mr. Johnson, I bring you home the partner of your joys 
 and affictions — the mother of your beloved children, 
 and her new shoes!' That's what an Irishman would 
 have said." 
 
 " No doubt : but they are gone, and now I have nothin 
 to wear but these old trashes!" 
 
 " Is there no revinge?" 
 
 " Yes, Mrs. Brady, and I'll be damned if I don't get 
 drunk this blessed, blessed day, to revenge it on my 
 husband, for his being so wicked as to make them on a 
 Sunday: what else could he expect?" 
 
 " Examine the exchiquer : all right? what limins have 
 you got? damn the limins, sacrifice them: prime-cost 
 thim; this is a great evint, and we must make a stand, 
 or it's not the last pair of shoes will be made of a Sun- 
 day : — hut, childer, don't worrit me so : don't I give you 
 a share of all that's gooin? do I lave you at home to pine 
 upon a sick squab as some unreflecting mothers do? I 
 know you want to go home': — have you got no bowels, 
 Divil Johnson? Whilst I'm groaning for your trouble, 
 you're not offerin the childer a drop, although you know 
 that Ted's got the measles, and Ann's got thim nasty 
 chicken pocks. Be patient, Ted; see how quiet Ann is. 
 Ann deserves to be ill, she's so good." 
 
 " And I'm be damned if I didn't lose my new shoes, 
 right and left, the very first — " 
 
 " And am I not guzzling gallons to sympathy and 
 comfort you for the loss?" 
 
 " You're a dear friend, Mrs. Brady. — ^Mr. MeUow, Mr.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 127 
 
 Mellow — snips apiece again; a little stifFer nor last. — 
 Mrs. Brady, your affections I'll return." 
 
 " Well, but let us sing an hymn in atonement of all 
 our misdoings, and for the losses, crosses — wait 'till I 
 cross me. — Come, Mrs. Jones, Joseph, all take hold of 
 hands, and thin I'll commince. — Now, Divil Johnson." 
 
 " Yes but," said Mrs. Jones, " Mrs. Brady, if you calls 
 the Taffies any more, indeed I shall lift your head lower; 
 great omens as you are ! " 
 
 " O, let's have harmony and pace, as the mornin sar- 
 vice is goin to commince. Now, are you all riddy? I 
 shall begin the solo, and whin I nod my head, Joseph, 
 you take the bass; and thin the chorus and dance of 
 joy will follow. Lit us mind our duties, as well as our 
 pleasures. Now, all hold of hands, and we'll sing the 
 
 ANTHEM OF THANKSGIVING. * 
 
 (Air, " Nora Creena.''^ 
 
 . . ,^ _, _ (For the saints of Hivin may 
 
 Air. Mrs, Brady i i i ^ 
 
 ' '^ (. hover about us. 
 
 -_^ 7- 7 X N (Better to have us nor do 
 
 Hoarse Joseph^ [wrong)., i . , 
 
 Mrs. Brady. — '' You are) Tow, row, row, row, row, row, 
 
 too soon. ^^ ) row. 
 
 Joseph, (right) Tow, row, &c. 
 
 Chorus and dance, all.... Tow, row, &c. 
 
 "Not quite so loud, ladies and 
 gentlemen : poor things, 
 how theydoes enj oy their- 
 selves: is it not a beau- 
 tiful sight?" 
 'For we're all on us the chil- 
 
 Solo, Mrs. Brady -^ deren of Hivin, and we 
 
 hopes for to be forgiven. 
 
 r 
 
 Joseph Mellow < 
 
 {
 
 128 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Duetto, Mrs, Brady and) Tow, row, row, row, row, row, 
 Hoarse Joseph ) row. 
 
 m . (If we're not, to the divil we're 
 
 Irio i , . 
 
 C driven. 
 
 Chorus and dance by all) rr\ on 
 
 , ^ ^ y 1 ow, row, ROW, &c. &c. 
 the characters ) 
 
 " And I'll be damned if my new shoes was not stole 
 off my feet the very first time I put them on. And if 
 it was not for my darlin Billy Kent being an orphan, 
 and no one to look after him but his grand-mother Kent 
 — this night I would throw myself off the Thames." 
 
 " Oh, pace about the nasty ditch-water — think of the 
 Shannon." 
 
 " Peace ! oh, here's my own darling Billy — " and 
 surely enough in walked Master Kent, just arriving at 
 the palace in time to prevent his grand-mother from 
 forming an unhappy illustration of our propensity to 
 gravitation, particularly when our movements are under 
 some direction which proceeds not from the head. In 
 short, poor Mrs. Johnson was gently staggering, and 
 would have tumbled, if her watchful grand-son had not 
 caught her in his arms. This he did, and though but a 
 slender youth, with the assistance of three or four of 
 the feeling chorus party, he succeeded in getting her to 
 a cab, and thence to the longing arms of her family. 
 
 Nor did William Kent enter alone, but with him our 
 other hero, Mr. John Stratford, who seeing his mother, 
 said: 
 
 " O, you're there, are you, marm? the fondest of 
 parents ! — do take my harm." 
 
 Jacky had just seized his mamma's waist, when entered, 
 and in the highest temperature — Jacky's papa — that is, 
 step-father Brady. He had got a strong carrier's strap, 
 and was about to apply it — it is to be hoped in a com-
 
 THE LOED OF THE MANOE. 129 
 
 fo7'lising way, to the shoulders of his aiFectionate wife — 
 when the great Professor Costello interdicted. 
 
 Jacky saved his mother from the application: so, 
 whether it was intended to be used hostilely, or in the 
 same way in which we see a gentleman place a boa 
 round a lady's neck, as she leaves the opera-box — is not, 
 to this hour, exactly known. 
 
 " Come, mother, I'll see yer home, and then I'll come 
 back to father who can be a-enjoying on himself till I 
 do so," said Jacky, throwing down a crown; ^' here," 
 added he, " 'inauy drink my health." 
 
 Mr. Brady seized the crown, and looked at his step- 
 son: saw the magnificent suit of shining black, mous- 
 tache, Jacky's impudence, (so he called it,) and into 
 Jacky's new profession — his son had apprenticed himself 
 to the noted corporation, or company as may be — the 
 swell-mob. Well, it was no business of his, only let 
 him bring whacking five-shilling pieces, and he might 
 sivell away until he bust. 
 
 " And which is this one, mamma? " demanded Jacky, 
 when he arrived at the dwelling of Mr. Brady : " which 
 of your fortunit issue is this? or is it a neighbour's — a he 
 or a she? I didn't know you'd one so juvenile as this." 
 
 ^' Oh, this is little Jacky," said one of the children, 
 " brother Johnny; aint you my brother?" 
 
 " Why, yes, Miss Ann, I believe I am : but how comes 
 there to be two Johnnies in one family?" demanded the 
 stranger, looking slightly puzzled. 
 
 " Och ! my beloved ildest son, it was yer new father 
 was resolved to have a Jacky, my dear, but then you 
 know my — my dear — my love — " 
 
 " Oh, don't hurry yerself, marm, I've no doubt the 
 explanation will be perfectly explanatory." 
 
 " Och, darlin John Stratford, to be sure it will : you 
 see you're Johnny Stratford — aint he very like you — ' 
 
 K.
 
 130 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 what an honour to you I and this is — is you know — 
 Johnny Brady — " 
 
 " So that was it — eh, marm?" 
 
 " To be sure, darlin: och, what a handsome youth 
 you're maldng up into. I've bin the best of mothers 
 to you — och, to think I was keeping up your birth-day 
 to-day — although not due of a month, and it should have 
 a little overpowered me — -just as you come — " 
 
 " Well, but tell the truth, now, how this young 
 cubling — what is so like me — became to have my 
 name? It aint reglar, I believe, to have two of a family 
 of one name; now, mind, and don't imagine that the 
 floor is your bed, or your chair ! " 
 
 " Och! I percave you want to murder me, brake my 
 heart, and make me little in the eyes of my own family : 
 a family as I have tinderly rared: look how civilly your 
 father behaved to me on your sake: he never lifted the 
 strap a inch when he seen you: and you'd return his 
 ingratitude with makin all sorts of hub-bubs about a bit 
 of a child's name. How^ can the child be in fault, seeing 
 as Father Murphy christened him in a mistake for an- 
 other. Och, oh, don't make a puppet-show of my distrac- 
 ted head, and pluck at a mother's heart-strings for the 
 dancin wires : och, oh, see how I weep to see you." 
 
 " Thank yer; but now in fact was not this the way it 
 was done? you, and the rest of the christening-party, 
 had all been making so free at Mr. Mellow's, that you 
 made a mistake in the name'' 
 
 " Well, even thin, it was the fault of the darlin's god- 
 fathers, and not his own tinder, beloved mother: och, 
 this is dry work. I little thought whin I coralled your 
 gooms to make your teeth cut, you would iver use thim 
 to bite a bleeding mother's breast. Och, oh!" 
 
 Jacky was going to interrogate a little further, when 
 an old lady, who, it seems, was in the habit of assisting
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 131 
 
 Mrs. Brady in her domestic duties — suggested, that it 
 would be better both for beloved son, and affectionate 
 mother, to waive all further discussion until the lady had 
 had a comfortable nap of a few hours, and then, on both 
 sides, the nature of the explanations would, doubtless, 
 be of the most satisfactory character. 
 
 Jacky agreed to the terms, but thought he would step 
 back to Mr. Mellow's, just to have a word or two on 
 family affairs with Mr. Brady. He had turned the 
 corner of the street for the purpose, when whom should 
 he meet, but one of Mrs. Kent's carriers, who at once 
 informed Mr. Stratford that he was going in search of 
 the said Mr. Stratford, to ask him if, at once, he would 
 step to the green-grocery store of his mistress. 
 
 Jacky promised to be there directly, but though he 
 said so, he made up his mind to stop at a certain draper's 
 shop first, and select therefrom an article or two, 'that 
 would, at least, show some grateful acknowledgment 
 for the goodness, instruction, and parental kindness, he 
 had ever received at the hands of Mrs. Kent. 
 
 He had bought some such things for his mother, and 
 had left them in her house, before he proceeded to the 
 palace of Mr. Mellow: he now laid out about five pounds 
 in presents for the paternal grand-mother of his friend, 
 Billy Kent. He thought he should put a nice little sur- 
 prise upon the old lady; guess his, however, when his 
 approach only caused her to burst into tears; and his pre- 
 sent to induce the exhibition of feelings still more painful. 
 
 " O, Jacky, I don't understand this work: have you 
 seen poor Willy? he has not been here of three days, 
 and I'm heart-broken." 
 
 " Poh, bother, I seen him not an hour agone, a-taldn 
 of his grand-mother, Mrs. Johnson, from that respected 
 palace at Westminster Bridge — you know the place — 
 Mr. MeUow's."
 
 132 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Saw Billy? well, I'm happier: poor boy, he'll break 
 his heart about that wretched woman, yet. Alas, I did 
 hear that she had promised her family — but she has done 
 it many times — that she would reform, and I suppose 
 she is as bad as ever — " 
 
 " And—" 
 
 "And what, Jacky?" 
 
 " Ditto, my best of mothers." 
 
 " Well, she is your mother, poor boy : but come, now, 
 Jacky, I never knew you to tell me a falsehood in your 
 life," said the old lady; "I feel unhappy to see you in 
 those new clothes, and as to William Kent, I am told he 
 was seen riding in a very grand carriage: if any thing 
 goes wrong, it will soon lay me low.'* Mrs. Kent again 
 began to weep: "Do tell me all you know, Jacky; I know 
 you have been together, I am sure he has been after you; 
 do be as good a boy as you used to be, and tell me every 
 thino- 
 
 
 And Jacky did, from first to last, and as a proof, bade 
 her examine the present. The old lady was delighted 
 with every thing save the little information he could 
 give respecting the movements of her grand-son William. 
 
 Jacky had not seen him for several days before the 
 accidental meeting at the dram-shop. It was not at all 
 unusual for him to be at his grand-father Johnson's, but 
 then he never missed a day in visiting his grand-mother 
 Kent. 
 
 Jacky, then, related all he knew as to the Lady Bour- 
 goin taking William away in her carriage : but that was 
 all the information he could give; not but he promised 
 Mrs. Kent to make himself fully acquainted with the 
 old lady's doings, and, in due time, report to her. 
 
 This greatly eased the mind of Mrs. Kent. She was 
 delighted with Jacky's prospects at the Royal Sanspareil, 
 but made him promise that he never would carry William
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 133 
 
 Kent thither: indeed it would be best for him not to 
 know one word of the matter; as he might, nay, would 
 be sure to, go to the performance, and his great love for 
 Jacky's person considered, he might, at seeing one of the 
 hazardous leaps, give vent to his fears in such a way, as 
 to lead to the information as to who the great pro- 
 fessor was. 
 
 Jacky promised obedience to all and every thing. ; 
 
 And Jacky was always a man of his word.
 
 134 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTEK III. 
 
 Dr. Benzoni made quite sure, from what he had done 
 in the way of promoting the success of his valet, at the 
 Koyal Sanspareil, that he had secured, in his breast, a 
 lasting confidence, and an equally endurable gratitude. 
 Made so certain of this, that he let out to Jacky, only 
 in bits, his modes of operation in behalf of the Lady 
 Bourgoin: he wanted another hundred pounds from that 
 doating woman. How was it to be done? not by 
 coercion — if possible; no, there was always danger in 
 that. Nor by threats, yet it was clear there was no 
 other way — " except one," said the doctor, looking 
 knowingly at Jacky, " except one, mine frien." 
 
 " And what may that be, doctor? beside, don't you 
 think you have not done so bad out of her already : the 
 one-hundred you got from the Colonel, and the diamond 
 ear-rings for madam e, which the old unfaithful she seducer 
 give her: come, I think that's enough out of one con- 
 nexion." 
 
 " (Yes, and, my friend, I got a hundred you know 
 nothing about.) Why, mine frien, whats a hundreds or 
 two to such peeples? besides, if we did not get it, there 
 would be lots of other impostors as would." 
 
 " Well, that's true," said Jacky, scratching his ear, 
 " that's true ; that's why I went so far in the other 
 affair : — but what's the dodge as will reduce the pepper- 
 corns into a form more fittin for domestic purposes?"
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOK. 135 
 
 " Marry her, mine frien, mine dear." 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha, keek ! why she may be dead before I'm 
 of a age to be demanded in wedlock, even by a widow 
 of the fourth class in a dragoon regiment." 
 
 " Why, what noodles you are : do you think your 
 monkey-tricks will last you for ever at the Sanspareil? 
 and that the twenty poundsh a-week ish to be as regular 
 ash the Bank of England, during the terms of your 
 natural lifes?" 
 
 " Why, no, not exactually." 
 
 " Chertinly not: the Colonel ish done: it ish all oup 
 with him: he got her monies at too great a rates: you 
 don't ask for money at all: demand her lovely selve for 
 her lovely selve alone; you win the race and pitch the 
 Colonel over the post. I told you I would be a father 
 to you; you be dutiful sons to me: marry the old 
 amorous widow, and give me half for mine advize, in- 
 structions, whilst you was young; and above all, for mine 
 assistance — how to make sure of her." 
 
 Jacky laughed, and again titillated the square inch of 
 cuticular sensibility immediately above his ear. " I 
 think, arter all, it's soon enough to marry when the 
 clock has struck sixteen-year-old: — oh, what's the reason 
 as I see in your new advertisement, the 'Institution' is of 
 twenty-year standin?" 
 
 " Oh, surely the Professor Costello must see the 
 reasons of that — more respectables!" 
 
 " Ah, ha, very good; and yet, the plate at front, which 
 bears the great brazen announcement, is quite new: all 
 the angles quite sharp and square ; the black, inside the 
 letter, not a bit worn off! A nice institution of ' twenty- 
 year standin!' must be a precious flat key on an old, 
 wiry piano, as couldn't see that. There's no wonderin 
 at yer never catching any young spoonies of your own 
 nation!'*
 
 136 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 "Well, mine goot boys, what would you recommends?" 
 
 " Why, set an Irish labourer to work at it : scrub it 
 with sand night and morning and then the plate will look 
 like an ancient physic-store for the nobility and clergy." 
 
 " Ah, that ish grand hint : it shall be done about to- 
 night: but, mine son, when will you s^t about making 
 happy the widow Bourgoin?" 
 
 " Oh, I don't know; certainly not before somebody 
 has done justice to Ireland, in the shape of a wife, a 
 pension, or a pair of handcuffs for Colonel O'Craizem: 
 then, I think, there would be no danger." 
 
 " Poh ! nonsense, I tell you she has made up her minds 
 not to see the madmans any more — her very words mine 
 son — nay, said that she should have owed me eternally 
 thanks if I had squeezed his nosh off instead of the skin : 
 sho, once more I tell you, the Lady Daphne will see the 
 Colonel not as oftens as I tell you." 
 
 "Ah, but, my talented papa, her resolution of not seeing 
 him again, may not at all affect a similar determination 
 on his part, to see her as often and as long as there 
 is a drop of her bounty to be sponged up. You cannot 
 polish a mahogany table so long as there is any beer upon 
 it : just wipe off the Colonel, and then I'll try to see my 
 face in it." 
 
 " Ah, there may be some true in that; but ^none but 
 the prave deserves the fair;' should never be fear of 
 rivals: see what a grand house this would be to court 
 in! I could introduce you as a young foreign counts." 
 
 " Without my being able to pay the same compliment 
 to a word of French ; or that precious lingo in which 
 you, madame, and the young ladies pitch into me and 
 others. Monsieur Costello doesn't speak one word in his 
 monkey-business, or it would soon be found out what 
 county in foreign countries had honered the world with 
 his production: but in the monkey-business to the Lady
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 137 
 
 Daphne, talking, I suppose, would be as essential as 
 looking like a jug just before coming in two — cracked." 
 
 " Oh, speak brokens English." 
 
 " But then, if she parley- vooed cranky French — I 
 expect she would look to me for as much, even if I was 
 introduced as a Calmuc Tarter from Spain ! " 
 
 "/think squeezing would do, with the brokens English; 
 plenty of the firsts." And the doctor looked as he had 
 spoken — emphatically — and as if he had uttered a bit 
 of the Lord's truth. 
 
 " More likely ring my ears, than knock — often — at the 
 door of the rendez-vous." 
 
 " You thinks you are so young?" 
 
 " Not for her grand-son's playfellow." 
 
 " Well, now marks, Mr. Clever John Stratford, 
 Straddle, CosteUo, Professero; she's in love with William 
 Kent, your young master ! has introduced him * to a 
 number of her friends, and is about consulting them as 
 to adopting — " 
 
 " Him for her great-grand-son?*' 
 
 " No, mine frien — measures to make him her husbands 
 — lawful husbands!" 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, keek ! I shall choke — ha, 
 ha, ha!" 
 
 "Why, mine frien, mine frien, mine frien, don't be 
 please to be mad; although thish is an ^Institution, 
 curing all disheases,' still it is not an asylum. In short, 
 she wishes me to give him away." And the doctor 
 looked as mighty as he did when honouring a private 
 box at the Royal Sanspareil. 
 
 " Oh, you are to give Billy Kent away! you'd better 
 give your brass-plate away; or a portion of your palace, 
 I think — or any amount of quack-bills ! " 
 
 " What, my friend, jealous?" 
 
 " No, my father, — serious"
 
 138 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Well, I am glad of that : then marry her yourselves." 
 
 " What, instead of Miss Ruth — and become a part- 
 ner?" 
 
 " Marry Miss Ruth after, mine sharp boy." 
 
 " What! on the same day?" 
 
 " O, what a bigamy notions you have ! no, when the 
 Lady Stratford no longer needs the hand of her husband 
 to 'sist her into her opera-box." 
 
 " Arter she's been assisted to her last box?" 
 
 " Then comes grand young wives ; town and country 
 carriage ; the honourable Mr. Stratfords to his seats in 
 parliament — perhaps call here to be — " 
 
 " Cured: of course, I should be very ill." 
 
 "All rich mans is very ills: but ish it a bargain? 
 when shall I have the honours to introduce to the Lady 
 Bourgoin, the young Counts Sobolooski?" 
 
 " Oh, whenever the great Doctor Benzoni's want of 
 engagements will permit him." 
 
 " Your hand, mine dutiful son : happy hour when we 
 meet!" 
 
 " And may it be so when we part ! why, by George, 
 there is the Colonel, looking at the house as wildly as a 
 lost cat does for the name of her street.'* 
 
 " Ah, Jacky, run out the back way : tell him I have 
 put all the I. O.'s into the hands of mine attorneys, and 
 intend to sue him, and seek the books of every sponging- 
 house in the metropolis: be sures to tell him that; he 
 will soon make oiFs." 
 
 Jacky ran as desired, and just reached the Colonel as 
 he had placed his hand on the knocker. 
 
 " Stay,'* said Jacky, winking at the Colonel — " here, 
 this way." 
 
 The Colonel obeyed. 
 
 Jacky told him his master's determination as to the 
 I. O. business, and added, that three Jew sheriff-officers
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 139 
 
 were dining with him then, together with the keeper of 
 the writ-warehouse, from the temple. 
 
 " Certainly, it would be an awkward time to visit the 
 villanous magician when surrounded by all his familiars : 
 but the fact is, my nose is growing as perverse as ever, 
 and I must either have my hundred pounds back, or he 
 must assist me in a plan to make the old, unfaithful hag, 
 who set me on, to refund me a thousand for damage 
 done, not only to my nose, but to my brains — they never 
 have been worth salt since — I must have that, I say, or, 
 so soon as this divil's feast is over, I will stand with a 
 thundering big board, back and front of the house, just 
 to intimate that he's a swindling Jew — that /have found 
 out — and I'll have a lantern at night, bearing the same 
 gazette extraordinary." 
 
 " Poh, nonsense; publishing season is over, and's but 
 a poor trade at best. Sittings at Westminster Hall has 
 just commenced, and so fond are they, just now, oi? libel 
 business, that they are trying them without fees, and 
 paying tremendiously to informers for every new case: 
 — I should think one of these monsters has been putting 
 you up to the board-and-lantern trick, in order to make 
 two twenty-pound notes." 
 
 " By my soul, he was a scamping-looking thief; that's 
 thrue: and I believe he is eno:ao:ed in some blacko;uard 
 employment or other in the courts of Westminster." 
 
 " Did he say anything of superior courts?" 
 
 "Did he? spoke of nothing else." 
 
 " Ay, the villain lives in a cellar, in one behind my 
 grand-mother's, and has just left Doctor Benzoni's back 
 door." 
 
 " I wish I was at his back door." 
 
 " Don't you see the trick? they want to transport a 
 few thousand six-feet-two chaps to the new world, for 
 the sake of improvin the animal creation there : and, in
 
 140 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 this case, the treasury order is reversed, for ' none need 
 apply but Irish." 
 
 " I see the trick — here's justice to Erin ! " 
 
 " Ay, that's what he said, ' transport all her cattle but 
 her cows; make cheese-and-butter fiirms of her cities;' 
 and, even then, he told master, he would put the screiv 
 upon the first; have the other well churned, and pickle 
 the cows for pork, when no longer able to bear the wear 
 and tear of milking, and going out to oil-cake." 
 
 '^ Have you half-a-crown in your pocket?" 
 
 " At your service, Colonel." 
 
 " Come into the next tavern, while we plan (your 
 mother, you say, was a Cornish woman) vengeance to 
 the haters of Ireland's green sod, her skies, her echoes, 
 her lakes, her sons; and thin, the way to murder 
 Daphne's new beau."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 141 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Now as far as the Colonel's scheme went, of making 
 the Lady Bourgoin refund, the doctor had also been 
 engaged in a little private practice on the same bent — 
 and this, too, unknown to his faithful valet: and he 
 managed it in this way. He sent, in great haste, for the 
 lady, told her that one of the reporters for the '' Censurist," 
 and another from the " Scandalum," had, unfortunately — 
 through an Irish servant — got possession of every word 
 of the nose-squeezing; the name of the victim, and of the 
 lady who insisted upon his making the trial, who visited 
 him during the operation, and whose name was — the 
 Lady Bourgoin ; that if once inserted in these terrible 
 organs, not only would the price get up to half-a-crown 
 a-copy, but the circulation would be such as to require 
 all the ready-made paper in England ; that every paltry 
 rag in the universe would be at the same game; and 
 indeed, what with the scarcity of provisions — might it 
 not end in a revolution? 
 
 " For mine own part, I have paid the ^ Censurist' 
 peeples, on mine knees, one hundred pounds : and I have 
 promised the ^Scandalum,' which you know is brass- 
 candlesticks, against the other's silver-snuifers — one 
 hundred-and-fifty more on your account." 
 
 The lady was staggered, but embraced the doctor; 
 said that the money should be sent to him in twenty-
 
 142 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 minutes, and added a something which led to the pro- 
 posal that was made to Jacky of " marrying the Lady 
 Bourgoin." That something was, " don't for the world, 
 dear doctor, let them know anything about my discard- 
 ing the Colonel. — O yes, you may do that, but not my 
 taking a sudden affection to another young gentleman, 
 whom I met in your establishment — and have been seen 
 with, once or twice, in public." 
 
 That young gentleman, the Jew well knew, was the 
 honourable William Kent. 
 
 The doctor got the money, as promised, and then he 
 began to calculate how much he could make out of the 
 last secret: was it not a better one than even that of 
 the Colonel? 
 
 Things were advancing in this cherished manner, 
 when the management of the Sanspareil began to take 
 alarm at some whispers which every now and then 
 buzzed about the managerial ear — that overtures had 
 been made — and it was feared in part accepted — from 
 other managements, to the great Professor Costello. Mr. 
 Cousins was the first to hear of all this, and, of course, 
 knew it to be his solemn duty to carry it to head-quar- 
 ters. Here was a fix: — getting the greatest card thej^ 
 had ever had for a paltry twenty-pounds a-week — and 
 another manager upon the scent. They were afraid to 
 offer more, lest Jacky, like all the vulgar, might fly off 
 altogether, and fancy that no management was great 
 enough to appreciate, pay for, and retain his services, 
 unless the famous one of Utopia. 
 
 Mr. Cousins offered to negotiate the whole: the en- 
 tire management was grateful. The worthy prompter, 
 in the first place, had given sly hints to four other ma- 
 nagements, that the professor was dissatisfied with his 
 present engagement, and was, therefore, clandestinely, 
 open to an offer — that offer, however, must come through
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 143 
 
 him, in writing; and, of course, not contain tlie slightest 
 hint of the one he had given them. 
 
 The prompter received four letters in an hour: parts 
 of which he showed to parts of the management; but, 
 certainly, never named a word of all this to the profes- 
 sor: so, as is often the case, the young gentleman most 
 concerned, was the last to hear that he was about to 
 leg the management, for the purpose of giving runs of a 
 hundred nights to another. 
 
 Jacky was greatly annoyed at this, because such a 
 thought had never entered his noddle : made Mr. Cousins 
 his friend and adviser in all this, and in so doing, told 
 who was his real mother, and who his assumed father; 
 and where they resided. 
 
 Here was news and comfort for the good prompter : the 
 management was told of his information, and also of the 
 advisability of getting a contract from the father of the 
 professor, to supply his son to that establishment, and 
 that, too, for a term — then the engagement would be 
 binding; as it was, Jacky being a minor, although his 
 signing was done in a style which left his marh^ it was not 
 w^orth a flust of red powder, or an encore of orange-peels 
 and pop-bottles. 
 
 The only difficulty would be, would the professor 
 work, if his owner got the start at the treasury — it might 
 be arranged; only get the engagement made legal, and 
 then depend upon it, the training of whip, (in case of 
 refusal,) and roasted-horse-bean suppers, would effect 
 wonders. 
 
 The prompter must go and find out the lad's parents 
 at once. 
 
 And he did as directed by his masters. 
 
 Mr. Brady had just spent the last coin given by his 
 step-son, and the pawn-money of the present to Mrs. 
 Brady. The whole, with the exception of some beef-
 
 144 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 steaks and white rolls, had gone into the coffers of Mr. 
 Mellow: the present had been carefully placed in the 
 archives of one of his subordinate establishments — the 
 pawn-shops; and, as we have said, the money lent 
 thereon, brought to the palace. We once more enter it. 
 Mr. Cousins soon ascertained which were the parties 
 who claimed consanguinity with the Sanspareil profes- 
 sor; he then stood half-a-gallon of stout for all the gen- 
 tlemen present; and goes of gin for the ladies: and after 
 standing this, he danced in the chorus of the anthem, 
 and went even farther in their duties than they had 
 done: and this was in making a long, energetic, acting, 
 prayer. O this was grand: this was a new feature: 
 nay, so delighted was, even, Mr. Mellow, that he him- 
 self kneeled down behind the counter, making every 
 waiter, who was not actually engaged, do the same. 
 
 Mr. Mellow said it was one of the happiest hours he 
 had ever spent during business, and he further observed, 
 " that, mixing bisniss with pleasure, was an agreeable 
 thing, but when a bit of good religion could be stirred 
 up with it; it was like punch when compounded of those 
 cheering ingredients, rum, smoking water, lemons, and 
 sugar." 
 
 ^' The sentiment was more benefited, if possible, by 
 Mr. Mellow*s head than his gin-glowing heart." — The 
 new customer, Mr. Cousins, said this. 
 
 " O, what would be the frowns of this world without 
 sentiment ! " — Mr. Mellow. 
 
 '^ They'd be sidimint without grog." — Mrs. Brady. 
 
 " Let's have another dance?" 
 
 " Not without another prayer," said Mr. Mellow, ten- 
 derly; "if this dear gentleman will be so good, and I 
 will fetch all my family down, that we may do honour 
 to sich a good set of Christians : let the churches and 
 chapels, the hedges, ditches, and high-ways come into
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 1 45 
 
 this place, and blush for their negligence to their 
 duties." 
 
 This proposal was rather too long an affair for the 
 good Christian, Mr. Cousins, who said, that before he 
 could engage in so onerous an undertaking, he wanted 
 a word of chat with the worthy Mr. Brady. 
 
 Mr. Brady was quite wilHng, of course, and both 
 adjourned into a box at the end of the counter. The 
 prompter opened the business, by at once informing 
 the somewhat-fuddled Mr. Brady that, if he chose, 
 he could put him in the net receipt, weekly, of five 
 pounds. 
 
 The other was quite willing, unless it was at the ex- 
 pense of his religion : he did not care how much villany 
 there was in the scheme, but would never change his 
 religion. 
 
 " Not even roguery in it," said Mr. Cousins. 
 
 "No matter," replied Mr. Brady; "barring the 
 religion." 
 
 Mr. Cousins then told Mr. Brady that, wonderful as 
 it might seem, he could obtain a situation for his son, 
 John Stratford Brady, of twenty pounds a-week: but 
 then he must have an undertaking, that ten must be 
 paid to him, weekly, for getting the engagement: 
 " then," continued the negotiator, " there will be five 
 for you, ten for me — I shall have to give two thousand 
 security — and five to induce your son to an energetic 
 performance of his duties." 
 
 "^ Henryjldlck"' the divil, TU use the shaft of a spade 
 to him, instead: give him five bob a-week: oh, oh, I see 
 how it was the young monster could give his mother 
 presents, and me a crown— set us all a-drlnking, and 
 lost me three days' work — a young villain." 
 
 " Well," said the good prompter, " give him what you 
 like, so that he will do his duties." Mr. Cousins then 
 
 L
 
 146 THE LOKD OF THE MANOK. 
 
 drew up the agreements, got them signed that night, and 
 stamped next morning. 
 
 So then they'd Jacky fast. 
 
 So Mr. Cousins could afford a feast. 
 
 Ten pounds a-week added to the thirty-five shillings 
 he had before, made his salary, at the Sanspareil, really 
 worth calling for on treasury day. 
 
 Mr. Cousins took the agreement to his managers: 
 that is, the twenty-pound one; the ten-pound spec, he 
 kept in his own safe — that is, he kept it safely. 
 
 When the other managements — they whom Mr. 
 Cousins had given the hint to, found that the professor 
 would not stir from the Sanspareil, they began, with 
 machination strong, to find out the real breed and 
 patronage of the great kit, and then, to smash him. It 
 was quite time; of course they knew by his sudden 
 success he was an impostor, and find him out they would ; 
 that done, and no more of the Sanspareil triumphs. 
 
 They were soon fortunate; they had traced Jacky 
 even to the days of his knackership. They found out 
 his mother, and told her, amongst other things, that he 
 to whom she had given birth, was giving it out that his 
 mother was ?irock. — See the programme of the Sanspareil 
 piece. 
 
 This so greatly affected the lady, who once was 
 honoured by the affections of Sir Tatton Stratford, that 
 she resolved she would expose his issue. A "rock"! 
 whin she knew hersilf to be all tinderness ! 
 
 Jacky was a little staggered, when he went to the 
 treasury next week, when told that all they could, then, 
 let him have, was five pounds — they were so scarce of 
 funds. Jacky knew that the business had been immense, 
 but did not know that fifteen sovereigns had been drawn 
 by his mother's husband. Had he known that, he would 
 have kicked the management at the time, not so as to
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 147 
 
 make it of no further use, but as we do foot-balls, and 
 then take them home for another day. The manage- 
 ment felt convinced that the best plan of acquainting 
 him with his father's interference, would be when they 
 wanted him no longer^ and then show him that the 
 account had been regularly paid, as per agreement, to 
 the now mighty Patrick Brady. 
 
 Then the Colonel, too, had to borrow two pounds a- 
 week from Jacky, but then this was only until his next 
 quarter's rents arrived from Erin: after which he was 
 to return, to the lender, three pounds a-week interest, 
 making it a neat little thing of five pound a-week. 
 Well, though Jacky was by no means a great usurer, 
 he thought the terms liberal, and so he gave the Colonel 
 orders for the boxes, which the Colonel occupied every 
 night in his undress uniform. And did he not applaud 
 the monster! 
 
 Just as things were in this proud position — the Colonel 
 trying to find out for whom the Lady Bourgoin had 
 changed him — and Jacky to discoA^er for what purpose 
 the same lady was enticing Master Kent — for as to what 
 the doctor had told him about her being in love with 
 him, &c. he did not believe one Avord — the very object 
 of liis cogitations came up to the doctor's in a cab. And 
 now he was dressed like the honourable William Kent, 
 indeed: he was delighted to find Jacky at the Institution. 
 Jacky was surprised at the alteration and appearance of 
 his late friend, and demanded, with the frankness of an 
 old acquaintance, the cause of all he saw. William said 
 that if he would get into the cab with him, he would 
 inform him of everything. And John acceded, because 
 this was every thing which John wanted. And away 
 they drove: and during the drive, William told Mr. 
 Stratford, how that the Lady Bourgoin had taken him 
 to her house, ordered him several suits of clothes, such
 
 148 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 as that in which he was then dressed: had taken him 
 to all the exhibitions, put him twenty-pounds in his 
 pocket — wanted him to have fifty — and, in short, had 
 taken such a liking to him, that there was no doubt, 
 whatever, she intended to make him her heir. That, 
 very much against his inclination, she had had him out 
 of town for five days — though, of course, he had written 
 to both his grand-father Johnson, and grand-mother 
 Kent, and told them where he was. 
 
 "And did you put the letter into the post, your- 
 self?" 
 
 "No, you silly boy, great people don''t do those things: 
 a servant," replied William a little knowingly, " the ser- 
 vant took them." 
 
 "I thought soP' 
 
 " Why, how could you think so?" 
 
 " (Because they never came) oh, I only thought so. 
 
 " Well, I got so unhappy at receiving no replies, that 
 I would insist on coming up to town, and now I dare not 
 go home, unless you, Johnny, will go first, and tell them 
 all about it : you know I'm only a burden on both grand- 
 parents, and, if the good lady — " 
 
 " Only a burden ; oh, fie, William Kent." 
 "' Well, Jacky, I know they don't consider me one : 
 but, then, you know, I am one. Poor grand-mother 
 Kent, ever since grand-father has gone away, in the 
 strange, unaccountable manner he has, you are sure she 
 has enough to do; and then see how delicate are both 
 my young aunts, who have, entirely, to be supported by 
 her: she, herself, is getting into years; and my educa- 
 tion must have greatly straitened her and grand-father 
 Johnson. And look at the unhappy habits of grand- 
 mother Johnson. In short, this lady proposes I shall 
 very soon go to college ; you know, Jacky, I intend to be
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 149 
 
 a scholar, and nothing less, and so don't you think that 
 all things are very well?" 
 
 "Humph! what does she say she took you out of 
 town for?" 
 
 " O, she's so tired of this horrid world!" 
 
 " Was that all?" 
 
 " And was afraid the mad Colonel O'Craizem might 
 follow her." 
 
 " Why, for what is a virtuous, hospital-founding, 
 scholar-making lady like she is, afraid of a man only two- 
 thirds of her age?" 
 
 "I don't know, Johnny: oh, I believe he is what 
 is termed a great fortune-hunter, and so merely wishes 
 to get hold of her, in order to obtain her immense 
 wealth." 
 
 " Oh, that's what's called a fortune-hunter, is it?" 
 
 " Yes, that, I believe, is it, Jacky." 
 
 " Poor, good lady, has she no servant that, under a 
 pretence of letting him in, might jam off his fingers 
 with the front door? Couldn't she electrify the knocker? 
 set a spring-trap in the drive; or get the game-keeper to 
 mistake him for a cat after rabbits, or the gardener 
 swear he was a throstle eating cherries — and so either of 
 *em shoot him?" 
 
 " Oh, Jacky, how you talk ! you are such a foolish 
 chap: she is not only of quiet habits, fond of literary 
 conversation, but looks upon religion as her greatest 
 comfort. Do not talk so uncharitably. Had she either 
 children of her own — grand-children I mean, or near 
 relations — I would not allow her to be at one penny ex- 
 pense on my account, either educationally or otherwise: 
 but being left in the world so lonely as she is, surely 
 you do not think me so selfish, but that, if I could add 
 to her comforts, in any way — either by my society, or 
 by showing, through my perseverance, I had been wor-
 
 150 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 thy of her support and adoption — but that I would 
 readily accede to her will." 
 
 " Oh, you'll make a great scholar." 
 
 " I hope sOj Johnny." 
 
 " And — but not through the adoption of the widdy 
 Bourgoin." 
 
 '' I am quite aware it must entirely be through my 
 own industry, but you know, Jacky, I'm not idle when 
 at my books." 
 
 " Nor at anything else !" 
 
 " Well, but we cannot get at them, at all, unless we 
 have the means, you know: but, however, I shall not 
 take a step in this, although it would lead me to fortune, 
 to a certainty, unless it meets with the concurrence of 
 my friends: I hope I am not base: I was left helplessly 
 enough, and but for my grand-parents, though but very 
 humble, the parish, instead of a first-rate school, must 
 have claimed guardianship over me. And then see 
 Avhat a kind friend you have been to me: I never saw 
 you look harshly, or speak in your present style be- 
 fore — " 
 
 ^^Now don't commence the real water in the first hact," 
 said Jacky, seizing the hand of William, tenderly. " If 
 I looked unkindly, I did very wrong: and, I am sure, I 
 never was more glad to see you in my life: but, how- 
 ever, couldn't you manage to introduce me to this phi- 
 lanfanciful lady — " 
 
 " Philanthropical — " 
 
 " That's no doubt what I should have meant to say." 
 
 "Introduce you, Johnny? why now that, as well as 
 for your advice, is just for what I came to see you. She 
 wishes to give a party at Richmond: desires me to ask 
 all of my young friends, and, more especially, to bring 
 ladies: she's of opinion that a party never looks well, 
 unless there are plenty of females."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MA:N^0R. 151 
 
 " (Humph ! that, I think, looks a little better.) I could 
 bring lots of ladies, beautiful creaters : by George, Billy, 
 I think the world is disposed to smile upon us — that is, 
 that the sun thinks we are as deservin of a original beam 
 or two, as a oak-tree or a yard-wall. I can manage the 
 ladies, O rare! and since you have told me all, I'll tell 
 you all." And Jacky did — every word — about his 
 flourishing engagement at the Sanspareil, and the rest. 
 
 William pouted for some time, and said that surely 
 he ought to have had that much of his confidence be- 
 fore. 
 
 Jacky confessed it, but excused himself upon the plea, 
 that the leaps and positions were so frightful, that his 
 friend — out of fear — might have disturbed the audience, 
 and ruined himself: the first night, however, being over 
 without an accident, there was now no longer any mis- 
 trust ; and that, now, so far from dreading his presence 
 at the theatre, he should be most happy to see him in 
 front. 
 
 "No doubt Lady Bourgoin will take her carriage 
 there;" said William. 
 
 This was the weak place with Jacky. 
 
 " Well, certainly, that might do me farther good with 
 the management — a private box being taken.'* And 
 then Jacky related all as to who the young ladies were 
 that he would bring to the party. 
 
 They were the members of the spiritual committee in 
 the monkey-piece: the corps-de-ballet of the Royal Sans- 
 pareil. 
 
 O, this would, surely, be the very thing. 
 
 Jacky would freight an omnibus; but of all things 
 the Lady Bourgoin was not to know who or what they 
 were. 
 
 " And why not?" demanded William, " she knows all 
 about my family and connexions, and she must be quite
 
 152 THE LOBD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 certain that I could not invite any real ladies: indeed, 
 this I think quite a piece of fortune : so that the young 
 ladies be good young ladies, of modest habits, and vir- 
 tuous discourse: for though I do not think Lady Bur- 
 goin values rank or wealth, I am sure she is the extreme 
 of delicacy in her behaviour and conversation. There- 
 fore, from the nature of their profession, it might be well 
 just to throw in a caution." 
 
 '^ Oh," said Jacky, rather tartly, "I have no doubt 
 Dur young ladies are quite as virtuous as your patro- 
 ness." 
 
 " Well, then, Jacky, all will be delightful; you must 
 go with me home ; tell them how I shall now be able 
 rather to repay them, for their former goodness and 
 care, than be of any further trouble to them." 
 
 " I'll pitch it strong enough even for the decks of a 
 eighty-four." 
 
 And the young gentlemen immediately drove off for 
 the store of Mrs. Kent. And though interesting, we 
 shall not trouble the reader with all that was said there. 
 It is enough to intimate that Mrs. Kent was rather 
 proud than otherwise. She somewhat marvelled that 
 the good lady had not expressed a desire to see her 
 grand-son's relations, or to know more of his connexions. 
 — Jacky had informed the good speculator as to the 
 dinner invitation for the friends of William: — the 
 ladies, and the rest, he kept quiet, and probably, judi- 
 ciously so. 
 
 The great dinner-party-day arrived: Richmond was 
 the word : but before the word, six of the young ladies of 
 the ballet peremptorily refused the invitation of Professor 
 Costello, unless they must bring their beaus with them. 
 Another— the first "spirit" — could not think of going 
 unless she had a gentleman also. This she said to the 
 professor; and, at the same time, looked so tenderly,
 
 THE LORD or THE MANOR. 153 
 
 that Jacky could not mistake the hint; so he told her, 
 at once, that he himself would be her gentleman. 
 
 That would be heavenly; to be beaued by the great 
 star — and the rich one too, of the Sans. 
 
 Then there was another young lady, who was also 
 without a partner. 
 
 The professor would find her one: William Kent, his 
 friend, would do her the honour. 
 
 Well, never was a dinner-party — even in the vicinity 
 of the Thames — so happy — in perspective. 
 
 And what happiness is there, that is not in perspec- 
 tive? 
 
 " But, oh dear, when I come to reflect," said Miss 
 Adolphina — the first spirit, " I never before dined in 
 the presence of so great a lady : I am sure I aint at all 
 acquainted with hetty-quetty sufficient for that." 
 
 " Oh, never mind him, or any other master of the 
 ceremonies: I used to wait upon a gent — only for infor- 
 ination — as waited upon the scratchiest nobs at the west- 
 end, and often got a peep from behind the musician's 
 curtain, and it's all easy done." 
 
 "How?" asked half-a-dozen spirits, eagerly: "how 
 is it done, Professor?" 
 
 " Eat as if nobody saw you : and let everybody eat 
 as if you did not see them: yet look as if you wanted to 
 assist them all." 
 
 " Thenk you. Monsieur Costello." 
 
 "Pitch into all the best dishes: if salmon is a guinea 
 a-pound, and peas as much a-pint — thin 'em ; but mind 
 and don't devour *em as if you'd never had a sufficient 
 tuck in, even w^hen the first was only at four-pence, and 
 the other when aged and boiled in stew." 
 
 "Til eat nothing else but green peas," said Miss 
 Adolphina. 
 
 " That's a duck ; and mind, if you should feel a
 
 154 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 little bothered, it is soon made up by kissing all the 
 childer after dinner : or a-being in raptures with the pic- 
 tures. Flattery is a Parisian toy-shop, and should be 
 kept open on Sundays: eat with your eyes, your mouth 
 is only made to sing with. Devour as much as you like 
 with the first, but take care to put the mouth to its 
 proper use — chanting your entertainer's praises." 
 
 '' O, Professor, you will be the first lord — in waiting, 
 yet. I wonder at your bemeaning yourself with the 
 stao-e." 
 
 ^^ There, that aint a very bad speciment of the ^ toy 
 shop,' does yer eyes shoot water? because that's a sure 
 sign the work of mastigation is a-going on." 
 
 " But, Monsieur Costello, you must tell us, as we go, 
 when we are to begin eating the fish, soup, chickens, 
 lambs, turkeys — " 
 
 ^' Oh, bother, Miss St. Crisp: look at the Lady Bour- 
 goin, and whatever she does, follow suit: so what she 
 plays, you do the same, and never trump — at least, not 
 till after dinner — do anything with the wine." 
 
 Brilliance and variety had evidently struggled in pre- 
 paring the ladies' dresses for this great event. Miss 
 Adolphina had got a fashion-book, and a dress-maker; 
 bade the latter con the former, and select the last cut 
 that had figured at St. James's. Nothing below a cou7't 
 dress would do, and this was right, as she had been 
 reared in one. The one selected was what is called a 
 tulley that is, by the French ; by Miss Adolphina's dress- 
 maker — a trulle, which was worn over a rich (faded) 
 shaded silk : the noeuds of ribbon were to match. The tulle 
 was superbly sprinkled with small roses and daisies, and 
 other spots that even, (if needed,) fuller's earth would not 
 remove. The chemisette was under still greater obliga- 
 tions for its beauties to the last-named ones of the tulle. 
 All had a light and pretty effect. White-kid gloves —
 
 THE LOED or THE MANOR. 155 
 
 tliey had been lemon colour, but being the third time 
 of cleaning, and that too so skilfully, they were 
 completely bleached to the fine whiteness we now see. 
 They were edged with a band of gold, and scented with 
 a drop of gin — but this was in the hurry of dress, mis- 
 taking the bottle which contained the spirit for that of 
 Cologne. Head-dress, a guirlande of green leaves — her 
 sister being an assistant at an artificial-flower maker's — 
 so it may easily be supposed how natural the youthful 
 ornament looked: cost was nothing. It would be im- 
 pertinent to be more minute, either as to stockings, shoes, 
 or bouquet : but still, the scale all was on, and the 
 anxiety of the sweet debutante's friends, we may here 
 observe, that the stockings were her married sister's; 
 the slippers, though not of glass, were one of the fairy 
 properties of the Sans. The bouquet was some picked 
 up sweets, found by the industrious sister in the work- 
 room of the artificial-flower maker. Her Sanspareil 
 evening cloak was elegantly thrown over the whole — to 
 ride in. 
 
 We have given Miss Adolphina's dress in full, not 
 because it was the most gorgeous of all, but simply 
 because she was the eldest of the ladies, and because we 
 have no space for others — this, it is hoped, will be con- 
 sidered a sufficient specimen. 
 
 Those who are more curious, can consult the papers 
 of the day, or rather, the curl-papers of the morning. 
 
 One lady, one gentleman, then: we will take the 
 Professor Costello. 
 
 He had on a stunning white hat, with high, wide 
 brims: a green surtout, with large black frogs: light 
 blue trousers, with a large black stripe down the sides. 
 The waistcoat was a mass of silken and golden glory : 
 a cart-rope gold chain, and locket ribbon, went round 
 his neck — besides a blue satin stock with red spots: on
 
 156 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 which again was a tremendous diamond brooch; and, 
 oh! what a magnificent pairof morocco Wellington boots I 
 white kids, which had never been any other colour. His 
 own hair, of course, all but the slashing black moustache : 
 four diamond finger-rings, and a golden-headed cane. 
 And, lest some of his rivals may be chuckling and 
 thinking that the aforesaid head is not gold, nor the 
 diamonds, real diamonds, we shall, at once, declare they 
 are; and, what is more, assert they were his master's, 
 the good Doctor Benzoni: and, to prove the confidence 
 the latter had in the gorgeous Mr. Stratford, and to 
 make miserable his enviers — know they were lent to 
 him for the purpose of making an impression on the 
 worthy giver of the Richmond feast. These were to be 
 a part of the marriage settlement; and to do the same to 
 those who have any jealousy, hatred, or malice, to the 
 professor — greatness being liable to those attacks. 
 
 Jacky would stand the omnibus — that is, while going 
 the journey, it must be his own expense. The ladies 
 all dressed in one house — in the court we have hinted 
 at, out of a small street, out of a larger again — out of 
 Whitechapel. 
 
 Of course, the 'bus waited at the end of the avenue. 
 
 The gentlemen also dressed at the same rendezvous; 
 and, to put to blush the mawky regulations of families 
 who profess much virtue, and excessive modesty — in the 
 same room. 
 
 We presume the reader will not understand us to say 
 that William Kent dressed there: oh no, he was with 
 his patroness at the hotel at Richmond: of course, he 
 and the lady would be in readiness to receive the goodly, 
 and, in truthfulness — grand company. 
 
 " Oh Heaven's watchful goodness! I'd forgot the 
 rehearsal!" 
 
 " Oh ! " and so had all the other ladies.
 
 THE LORD or THE MANOR. 157 
 
 " Oh, we are ruinated if we don't all go to rehearsal!" 
 
 "Phit," said the professor — " demn" — he'd got his 
 swells on — "the rehearsal! we shall have enough to 
 rehearse all the way, without even thinking a demn 
 about the trumpery, little puddle, dingy Sanspareil." 
 
 " Oh dear, we must go : Muster Cousins said he 
 should want us an extra half-hour, as there is to be a 
 new fling introduced in the new ballet; and the rustic 
 dance is to be altered." 
 
 " But I aint from my purpose of dining with all you 
 little angels at Richmond to-day. Throw on your cloaks, 
 you demned lovely little witches; jump into the 'bus, 
 and re-collect what Professor Costello is a-telling on you 
 — that if one of your sandals or white wands is dis- 
 charged — Professor Costello throws up his engagement: 
 not that he's sick of it; but he'll do it." 
 
 " Oh, what a dove of peace you are," said Miss 
 Adolphina, embracing the gorgeous Mr. Stratford. 
 
 " Pm crammed if he aint," said one of the gentlemen, 
 looking proudly to the other four gentlemen. 
 
 " Born to be an hero!" ejaculated another young lady. 
 
 " Pm squeezed into concentrated pheasant-and- 
 partridge sporting biscuits if he aint." Another of the 
 young gentlemen. 
 
 " We are sm-e to be in time, back, for the ballet, 
 professor? because father will murder me if I aint, I 
 know." This was one of the carpenter's daughters — 
 a stern old carpenter at the Sanspareil. 
 
 " Of course, the ballet wont come on before half-past 
 nine; and the dresses you've on will do for the spiritual 
 committee business — give you importance, and stun the 
 management a little : but, however, demn care. Every 
 gentleman escort a lady. Why, demn me, I see there is 
 three thousand filthy images of our species in the court ! 
 thinks it's a weddin, sure ! "
 
 158 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 
 
 And this was pretty nearly correct; our friends re- 
 ceiving all sorts of testimonials as to the good wishes of 
 the crowded people of Norbury court : such as huzzaing, 
 wishing the interesting couples much happiness — it was 
 evidently a double wedding — throwing old shoes after 
 them, also many sighs and regrets that they were not of 
 the gorgeous party. 
 
 Although there was plenty of room in the omnibus, 
 yet it was deemed essential to the dignity of the occasion 
 — and to make it more impressive to the bystanders — 
 that each young lady was too good to sit upon a cushion, 
 particularly in the vicinity of the gentlemen's knees ; so 
 it was each lady to one of them — each young gentleman's 
 arm to his mistress"* waist. 
 
 This was an affecting sight, and its merits spread from 
 east to west; that is, as the ponderous machine made its 
 way from Whitechapel to Hyde Park corner: and it was 
 the more fitting for sympathy, as the eldest gentleman, 
 even including the professor, was not more than six- 
 teen; indeed, two were scarcely fifteen: the ladies ran 
 from similar small numbers of years to the more lusty 
 ones, in the same proportion. 
 
 " Oh, Professor, what a handsome creeter you are 
 — and more nobly dressed than both the mana-. 
 gers ! *" 
 
 " And you. Miss Adolphina, are beautifuller nor all 
 their wives." 
 
 " Phit," sniffed Jacky's mistress, ^^I should sublimely 
 think so." 
 
 " I don't mean their public wives, but those at 
 Peckham and Blackwall." 
 
 " Oh!" said the pacified Miss Adolphina. 
 
 " See there, that's the chapel as I rings the bell at of 
 a Sunday," called out Miss St. Crisp, as the omnibus 
 rattled along.
 
 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 159 
 
 " Yes, and a nice ringing on it yer made, Eliza, so I 
 hear: yer pulled it down last Sunday." 
 
 " You pull your jacket fronts down — how could I 
 help it? my father would not be the cheque-taker at 
 the Sans, if I warn't respectable, I suppose." 
 
 " Of course not," said they all. 
 
 " I should never have been in the ballet at the Sans, 
 if the second fiddle, as plays our organ, didn't tell the 
 management how well I bio wed it, and that I had 
 handsome legs, and pets of feet." 
 
 " So yer has," said the gentleman who held her on 
 his knee, " and what's more than the second fiddle, I 
 loves yer to death. Professor," continued the young 
 gentleman, with all the glow of ardent and determined 
 admiration : " don't yer think it's the best thing a man 
 can do — when he's made up his mind as to the real 
 object of his affections — to marry and settle* at 
 once?" 
 
 " I thought. Master Spuggs, your father was going to 
 apprentice you to a tailor?" 
 
 " Well, so he is : aint I to go to trial to-day, and 
 should ha' done so, but for the honour which is agoin to 
 be conferred upon me by my lady Bourgoin." 
 
 " Oh, then, the question, as I apprehends, as you 
 wishes to take counsel's opinion upon, is, whether you 
 should enter the happy state afore you're bound or 
 after?" 
 
 " That's it. Professor: that's the pint." 
 
 The young lady on Master Spuggs' knee, now looked 
 most wistfully at the counsel. 
 
 " Oh, afore, by all means ! " 
 
 " Oh, Professor, you have wrapped a comfortable 
 round my poor cold heart — " 
 
 " Cold!" started Master Spuggs. 
 
 " Only, my soul's beloved, whilst I was a waitin for
 
 160 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 the professor's decision: cold, frozen it was, but now it 
 is warm — don't squeeze so, as six in a bed." 
 
 " But counsel should never give a opinion without 
 giving his reasons why : these is mine," continued 
 Jacky, " if the master should whop you, you can send 
 the missus to tear his eyes out: — there would be a case 
 for British sympathy. A beloved wife's heart-strings, 
 a British wife's heart-strings made into those of a fid- 
 dle, for a cruel slave-driver to play upon, like another 
 hero who swam the Hellespond, or to hang his appren- 
 tices' little pledges like another Mrs. Brownrig ! tlie 
 first Tableau — British lion in tears T^ 
 
 " Bravo, bravo, bravo I have that in your new piece, 
 Professor. Of course you don't intend to live and die 
 in the monster-business, although it pays so well. 
 Fame, fame, and show verse-it-ally. Play the knocker- 
 down of insulted innocence: crack down the country 
 squire when attempting what he shouldn't with the 
 dairymaid, and then hollor out — ' for the virtue of a 
 British servant girl should be as sacred as the gods, as 
 lasting, as immortal, as that of Wenus ! '" 
 
 " O beautiful, beautiful! I am glad, Jenkins, as you 
 have brought yer fiddle, becase if lady Bourgoin should 
 not have thouo;ht of a band — or it didn't arrive — we can 
 have a hop on the lawn after dinner." 
 
 " Supposing we have a bit of a tune now." 
 
 " Oh blazes!" said the professor, in real horror; "what 
 are you a-thinkin on? We surely aint agoin to Epsom 
 in a renovated knacker's cart — or to Gren'ich fair in a 
 lighter down the river? Shame on sich a degradin 
 proposition. I can only excuse the thing through a 
 pardonable consideration of low associations in early life, 
 and perhaps having parents, who have either been forced, 
 or actually engaged in playin the speakin trumpet to a hot 
 tato can. No more of this," said the professor sternly.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 161 
 
 *^ Certainly not, for behold we are crossm the bosom 
 of old Father—" 
 
 " O heavens! what old father?" cried a young lady^ 
 looking out of the 'bus. 
 
 " Thames I ^^ continued the solemn speaker, " This is 
 Hammersmith bidge." 
 
 " Oh!" remarked all. 
 
 "Shouldn't we wet?"" mildly asked Mr. Spuggs: "wash 
 the horses' mouths," continued he, as he thought the 
 professor looked rather sour, even at this proposal. 
 
 " I'm afraid, gentlemen, many of you here don't, at 
 least, own a carriage, even though you may have often 
 rode in one afore. ' Wet the horses' mouths:' well, be it 
 so; we aint horses' mouths. I've no objection, however, 
 to wet the ladies' mouths I" and the professor saluted the 
 one of Miss Adolphina. 
 
 And each gentleman did the same to each laay, 
 respectfully. 
 
 " O grand ! Professor : a rebuke to vulgarity : a com- 
 pliment to the rights of nature; a page for a stage coach. 
 A lesson of the heart ! " 
 
 And they all kissed round again; and then they all 
 turned round — that is the omnibus did — not round a 
 corner, but nearly its own axis — upset ! 
 
 Screams from the gentlemen. 
 
 Fears — not from one of the ladies. 
 
 " Here's a precious jarvey ! ' tammeroo, tam-meroo, 
 here am I your honour!' be still, ladies. O don't squeal 
 so, gentlemen : we're on dry land : I'll deduct it from the 
 bill: it will be somethin towards another out in the 
 country. O Mister conductor, is this your system of 
 pitch and toss? It's ' heads or tails of a Sunday' with 
 you, I suppose — same as it is with us now. I shall lay 
 the damages at five pounds, and for every broken leg or 
 arm, five shillings extra!" 
 
 M
 
 162 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Very sorry, yer honour: I'll soon help you all 
 out: we're close to the Flying Cheese, where you can 
 soon get retittivated up : it's all alongst yon brewer's 
 dray." 
 
 " Well," said Jacky, " I'll pardon it in consideration 
 that you can obtain that of the ladies, and a promise 
 that I am to drive back to town ! " 
 
 " As to the first, yer honour, I am sure that things so 
 sweet and good would rather throw in a trifle towards 
 the haccident, than rob a poor man and his family of 
 a month's wages, beside a repairin on the 'bus. I've 
 thirteen fond darlin babies — and they might ha' lost 
 their nat'ral conductor, as I'm only the pastrol one of 
 this 'ere 'bus: let my tears be a eloquent response?" 
 finished the conductor, whilst hauling out the ladies, and 
 winking to the whip. 
 
 " Oh, of course," cried the ladies, in deep sympathy, 
 "poor afflicted ones — thirteen on 'em too?" 
 
 " Besides nine of the driver's, your ladyship!" 
 
 " Well, I wish the whole twenty-two on 'em was here, 
 sooner nor me, unless you drags me from under this 
 seat." 
 
 " Oh, my dear little Spuggy ! " screamed out the 
 young lady who had so recently occupied that gentle- 
 man's knee, " save my Spugg, or I'll make widowless 
 orphans of all your children." 
 
 " Oh, he'll be right, madam, in a moment, yer'll see : 
 see here he is!" 
 
 " Oh, my Spugg — my Charles." 
 
 " My 'Melia— oh." 
 
 And one affecting embrace, and again they were 
 happy. 
 
 " Well, arter all, we shall have to wet : I knew we 
 should; rather too long a journey, without either vittles 
 or food."
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 163 
 
 " What, ho ! then, for the Flying Cheese," said the pro- 
 fessor. 
 
 And all adjourned to that tavern, until the vehicle 
 could be righted, the horses scraped, mouths watered, 
 and those of the driver and conductor rum-and-milked, 
 and gin-and-pepperminted.
 
 164 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTEE Y. 
 
 Lest any one may think that the innkeeper of the hotel, 
 in which the great dinner was given by Lady Bourgoin, 
 has feed us to mention its name, by way of adver- 
 tisement — we shall, at once, declare, that on the contrary, 
 so far from taking so paltry an advantage of his brother 
 hotelists, it was his opinion that the merits alone of his 
 establishment, through our description, would be suffi- 
 cient: begging of us to place the latter, rather than the 
 former, upon imperishable record. 
 
 The accident described in our last caused a good deal 
 of delay, and worse, a good deal of disarrangement in 
 dress, but we are happy to add, not so much so as to 
 cause any serious alarms in the tender breast of the 
 hostess of this great feast. 
 
 The omnibus drew up at three o'clock: dinner was 
 to be ready exactly at that hour. So Mr. Spuggs 
 remarked, so soon as introduced, to the fascinating hos- 
 tess that, though they had saved their bacon, they should, 
 nevertheless, do justice to that served with the boiled 
 hen. 
 
 " Or to the fried eggs," added the gentleman who 
 had brought the violin, and who was not only hunch- 
 backed, but desirous, as we have seen, to make himself 
 at ease, before the great lady : a great proof of breeding. 
 
 Two of her ladyship's waiters assisted those of the 
 hotel, in attendance on the arrivals, as well as at dinner.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 165 
 
 The whole party was most kindly and courteously 
 received by the lady and her adopted grandson — that 
 was the reading put upon him by all there — the beautiful 
 and gifted William Kent. 
 
 His dress formed so singular a contrast to that of the 
 gay and happy arrivals, that we shall glance at it, even 
 before the one of his august patroness. 
 
 It was no more than a simple black dress-coat, the 
 same colour of trousers, white waistcoat, black neck- 
 erchief; shirt collar a little turned down, and the small 
 frill to his beautifully fitting shirt, neatly fastened down 
 by a small diamond pin. His gloves were faultless, as 
 were his slippers, and black silk stockings: and though 
 we know that the spiritual-committee ladies had a sub- 
 lime opinion of the beauty and elegance of the professor, 
 still, on seeing him, they all exclaimed, " oh, did you 
 ever see such a beautiful creature, even when dreaming?" 
 And since all asked the question — or one of equal force 
 — it is quite clear there could be no occasion for a re- 
 sponse, or a contrariety of observation. 
 
 The Lady Bourgoin, though elegantly attired, yet keep- 
 ing the hostess in view, showed no such display as, at all, 
 to discountenance her guests: on the contrary, it must 
 be confessed that several of our party outshone her: 
 as to Miss Adolphina — oh, she had ten times as much 
 colour. 
 
 But Miss Adolphina had not only colour in her dress, 
 but some on her face — that is, much more than it had 
 in ordinary; and this is supposed to be the reason: she 
 imagined that one of the footmen, instead of putting his 
 finger to his head when he announced her — put his 
 tongue into his left cheek: — of one thing she was quite 
 certain, and that was, that he did not make the usual 
 salutation befitting either his sex or his livery. 
 
 And this, Miss Adolphina was resolved to resent, and
 
 166 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 SO, after the usual ceremonies of introduction had taken 
 place in the drawing-room, she thus addressed the giver 
 of the festival. " Madam, your servant did not put his 
 finger to his brow when he replied to me, nor did he 
 bow to me, as he very clumsily assisted me from my 
 carriage." 
 
 " Oh, heavens ! Miss Adolphina, you have so shocked 
 me by what you say, that I fear I shall not recover 
 during the time that you may honour me with your 
 visit." 
 
 " I'm sorry. Lady Bourgoin, if I have caused so much 
 distress: but knowing what servants ere, I thought it 
 to be my duty — " 
 
 "Look at our dresser!" said another of the young 
 ladies of the Sanspareil ballet. 
 
 " Upset our beer on Monday," said Miss St. Crisp. 
 
 " You'd a thought that a dresser was the very place 
 on which beer could stand firm, ha, ha, ha!" added the 
 gent with the fiddle. 
 
 " Poj)h," said another young gentleman, " our servant 
 drunk all mother's caudle when she was confined of our 
 little Willy — he's not three months old yet: so yer 
 ladyship may think what a unfeeling hanimal she is." 
 
 " But what is all that to the unmanly conduct of a 
 six-feet-two fellow in her ladyship's livery, not paying 
 proper obey-sance to a lady?" persisted Miss Adolphina; 
 " every one knows their pecuniary propensities; but 
 good-breeding, and that too in the employ of so polite 
 a lady as her ladyship, is a desideratum that is easy to 
 suppose would never have been thought about." 
 
 "He shall be discharged, my dear: William Kent, 
 ring the bell — " 
 
 " Oh, no, no, no, no, don't sack the poor fellow for 
 that:" exclaimed four or five voices in a breath. 
 
 " No, no," said Professor Costello, who spake for the
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 167 
 
 first time: "let him go down of his knees to Miss 
 Adolphina: offer his hand — '''* 
 
 " To shake hands with?''' — exclaimed the young lady, 
 somewhat hysterically. 
 
 " No, no, no, not to shake hands — '"* 
 
 " In marriage? — " 
 
 " No, Miss Adolphina, to place it to his breast when 
 next you did him the honour to inquire after his 
 lady." 
 
 " O Professor," finished the somewhat mollified Miss 
 Adolphina. 
 
 This restored things most agreeably; and all began 
 to try if they could snuff dinner. There was still time 
 for an inch or two of chat : when thus the hostess : 
 
 " Might I hope for a pardon at your hands, w^ere I 
 to ask in what country one so singularly youthful 
 should have obtained his degree of professor?" this was, 
 of course, addressed to Master Stratford. 
 
 " Oh, certainly, madam, certainly : the country of 
 my birth: this free land, England's glory. Soon done, 
 where there's merit — granted by the lords of the admi- 
 ral-ity, ghostly and spiritual, and was finally signed, 
 sealed, and delivered, at the Horse guards, in the 
 presence of White Hall. My portrait, designed by 
 Wilkin, done in stone by Kurtz, and worked in copper- 
 plate, by desire of the management, and to be seen in 
 every shop window — barring all but the barbers', green- 
 grocers', cobblers', &c. &c." 
 
 " Bless me, I never knew the formula of professor- 
 ships before!" exclaimed the astounded lady. 
 
 " Ay, and what is more, madam," chimed in Miss 
 Adolphina, " had to give two thousand pounds security." 
 
 " Mr. Cousins gave it," said another. 
 
 " Security ? " looked the late Daphne of Colonel 
 O'Craizem, " could a pardon be selected for me from
 
 168 THE LOKD OF THE MANOK. 
 
 the same store — which I fear I have almost exhausted — 
 were I to ask for what might the security be?" i 
 
 Miss Adolphina looked to Master Stratford, as much 
 as to say, " why don't you tell her ladyship?" 
 
 Jacky began to feel if his ear had ever been bored, 
 for the purpose of having a ring there, like a foreigner. 
 No, there was nothing of the sort. 
 
 " Oh, I'll tell you what the security would be for — 
 to make you return all the young maidens you might 
 steal for your father's table — the ^ Demon of the moun- 
 tain' — and to cause you to give up a week's salary for 
 every baby that you might devour in a mistake!" Miss 
 Adolphina spoke this a little triumphantly. 
 
 " No doubt," said Jacky. 
 
 " Eat a hahy in a mistake ! " exclaimed the Lady 
 Bourgoin, and that, too, without entreating the usual 
 pardon. 
 
 " Poph ! nothing of the sort, your ladyship ! it is im- 
 possible even to pick a wing under sich appalling cir- 
 cumstances: but the frame-work and twigs of which a 
 act of parliment is platted cannot be too strong and close: 
 yet, for all that, we frequently find they wont carry 
 water, and are rather the ridicules of society than the 
 strong butter-baskets: hence the lumber of the two 
 thousand pounds!" 
 
 " Hacts of parliment are all gammon," said Master 
 Spuggs : " look at that for the recovery of small debts ; 
 and yet I have seven under fivepence, and never could 
 obtain a promise — three of 'em in one family — I'll not 
 mention names — but the eldest brother coolly told me I 
 might take it out in kisses from his sisters ! a likely thing 
 when I have a sweetheart of my own!" concluded Mr. 
 Spuggs, looking at Miss St. Crisp. 
 
 A slight tittering^ was heard outside the door: Wil- 
 i:^.v> Kent became infected by it, he gave the complaint
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 169 
 
 to Lady Bourgoin : — she to the next but one : and round 
 it went — several times too, like the turning of a worsted 
 ball, when winding, each turn grew wider than the pre- 
 ceding: — from a little the whole became a very scream 
 of laughter. 
 
 Well, this improved things: still the Lady Bourgoin 
 was never more bothered in her life: how could the 
 discreet, polished, educated, simple-hearted William 
 Kent ever think of selecting such extraordinary beings 
 as those around him for his acquaintance and friends? 
 The party had been given, entirely, to relieve and divert 
 him from the melancholy that too much seclusion had, 
 probably, forced upon him. He, the beautiful and dis- 
 creet, to bring upon her possibly the ridicule, as he 
 had already the jealousy, of the six-feet-two footman, 
 who behaved so superciliously to Miss Adolphina: — 
 Colonel O'Craizem's affair was bad, might have been 
 horrid if once in the "Scandalum" or "Censorium" — good 
 Doctor Benzoni had saved her from that — at an enor- 
 mous expense, though! but might not this be still more 
 fatal? Well, it was too late then: surely things would 
 mend at dinner: else she must cause her same watch- 
 ful servant to announce to the hotel, that the whole 
 affair was only some orphan children, to whom her lady- 
 ship's eccentric bounty had given a holiday. 
 
 "Dinner; Lady Bourgoin." 
 
 "Stay, sir," said Miss Adolphina to the footman: 
 " (my mother's brother was a town- waiter," whispered 
 she to Jacky, " and I'll let him see what is his duty : 
 I'll teach him, for not bowing to me) mind, sir, don't 
 think of waiting, at least upon me, without white-kid 
 gloves; I mention this because I see you have not those 
 essentials to good waiting, upon your hands." 
 
 " Of course, George will attend to your instructions, 
 and for which permit me to select a suitable thanksgiving ,
 
 170 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Miss Adolphina," said the hostess solemnly : " Now, dear 
 William, lead the way to the dining-room. I shall leave 
 the selection of the ladies entirely to the choice of the 
 gentlemen : and will be in my place in one moment, but 
 crave a pardon for that time, as I wish to give a word 
 of admonition to my servants." 
 
 " That's right, your ladyship : no doubts they want 
 it." 
 
 The gentlemen did the usual gallantries from the 
 drawing-room, to the more tempting one of the dinner 
 table; and whilst they were doing so, Lady Bourgoin 
 took the graceless footman on one side; and, although 
 he had waited upon a duchess with the identical six-feet- 
 two figure with which we now see him in attendance, 
 yet, she told him that, if she chose, as she that day had 
 done, to have a dozen boys and girls, from a parish school, 
 to dinner, she did not see — since she liked it — that a 
 contrary feeling should be exhibited by the servants : nor 
 would she permit its admission. 
 
 " Oh, this is the fetch arter all, is it?" said the tall 
 gentleman of the blue-plush; but mind, gentle reader, 
 he only made this remark after his mistress had been 
 handed to the dining-room by William Kent, who had 
 returned for that purpose. " Well, she may say this to 
 me, and I may say the same thing below — as I shouldn't 
 like to be turned out of the house — that is, I and my 
 lady and all of us, through her scampish conduct. I 
 have a character to lose if she aint: and, what's more, 
 if she don't name the wedding-day, I'll have that char- 
 ac-ter wrote down, and something put down, or, else, I'll 
 make her pay more than she did to be kept out of the 
 ' Scandalum.' I've no doubt but that Jew doctor got a 
 precious haul out of her — indeed, I overheard the stew- 
 ard say so: and though she thinks she has banished the 
 Colonel — a nice Colonel — she'll find that he's not yet
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 171 
 
 done with her. Indeed, she must come to, one way 
 or another. I get a thousand if she marries him: — 
 that wouldn't be bad : but I get all if I take her unto 
 myself. For the soul of me I cannot make out what 
 she is about with this boy — this beautiful William Kent : 
 when they called him her adopted grand- son, I could see 
 the old dame coloured: does any one think — cook 
 says she is sure there is something in it — but I don't 
 know; I have watched her, first on the Colonel's 
 account — next, on my own, and I must confess I 
 cannot make it out: but then, it should be remem- 
 bered, she is as deep a witch, and as avaricious as an 
 attorney's wife — unless where her eye is concerned, 
 and then, for bounty, she's a Catharine the Second. O^ 
 the bell: you must wait until I put on my ivhite-kid 
 gloves; ha, ha, ha, that's an impudent young slut: still 
 she's desperate pretty, and I think there would te no 
 difficulty in cheating yon showman — that is, by his togs 
 I should take him to be one — though, certainly, I think 
 all yon jewellery is real. Damn me, the whole is a puz- 
 zle! and, much as I'm queered, I think her ladyship is 
 a good deal more so. I'll give yon young minx lots 
 of champagne: I'll take the frown out of her collar 
 and cuffs yet. But the most puzzling of all, is the 
 * eating-of-the-maidens' tale — the babies and the rest: — 
 pray heavens the old fool has not mistaken a mad-house 
 for a charity school. But, however, now for the exercise 
 of my white gloves." 
 
 It were as needless to say that Lady Bourgoin was 
 placed at the head of the table, as, perhaps it would, 
 that her adopted was placed at the bottom. Master 
 Kent tried to refuse it, but soon saw that, unqualified 
 as he was, he felt assured that no person present was 
 more fitting. 
 
 Lady Bourgoin was supported, at her right, by the
 
 172 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 
 
 great Professor Costello: on the left by the amorous 
 Mr. Spuggs. 
 
 William Kent met with equal attention from the fair 
 and well-bred Miss Adolphina on his right: — and 
 
 Miss St. Crisp on his left. 
 
 Grace being most carefully said, the waiters were 
 ordered to uncover; and Lady Bourgoin commenced 
 with the soup. 
 
 As did her adopted with the fish. 
 
 As did Miss Adolphina, and one or two more, to look 
 out for the green peas at a guinea a-pint, and the duck- 
 lings at the same sum per couple. 
 
 There was evident disappointment. 
 
 Master Stratford saw this, so when the soup was offered, 
 he looked significantly at some of his pupils, and just 
 said, '' nothin like a drop of soup for preparin the way 
 for all the delicacies of the season." 
 
 Still this did not seem, exactly, to overcome the dis- 
 appointment of Lady Bourgoin's dinner-party, until Jacky 
 added in an under-tone, that he supposed the salmon at 
 the bottom of the table would, at least, be half-a-guinea 
 a-pound. 
 
 This was enough : every one preferred salmon to all the 
 soup, broth, or stew, in Christendom. Such was now 
 the demand upon Master Kent, that the servant, with 
 white-kid gloves, had to assist the operations of the fish- 
 slice with a spoon. 
 
 The lady had, comparatively, nothing to do, until the 
 next change : and was there not a slight surprise as well 
 as some little mortification ! for, like the boy at boarding- 
 school, who had suffered delusion from the promise of 
 " more broth, more ball," and who, consequently, took 
 so much of the first that he wept at the appearance of 
 the last — they had, alas! too nearly dined. 
 
 This was too bad, and when they saw chickens, duck-
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. ] 73 
 
 lings, turkey, peacock, and guinea-hen poults, green 
 geese — they were greatly grieved at the stupidity of the 
 waiters, in not putting the latter delicacies first; and 
 then they could have made their choice at once. It 
 may, perhaps, be asked, "did not Miss Adolphina under- 
 stand the arrangement of a fashionable table, since she 
 had a relative who had so often played so useful a part 
 at one?" 
 
 No; she did not, and this is the danger of small learn- 
 ing: all she knew was this; that her uncle, invariably, 
 required his gloves to be made white when he had to 
 wait at the west-end; and iv ashed nniW. they presented a 
 similar appearance, when about to assist at the honours 
 of a table at the east-end. So, it would seem that 
 though the first were doubtlessly kid, and the second, 
 such as Odd-fellows perambulated in, on club days, cot- 
 ton; yet both had to be white. Then as to her know- 
 ledge about servants putting their fingers to their hats — 
 when receiving commands from ladies, surely she had 
 seen them a thousand times, even in the city. 
 
 This was her only education — save what we have 
 heard the professor hint to her, just as we set out to 
 Richmond. 
 
 Had she known more, she had suffered less mortifica- 
 tion; for as the dinner was in April, she expected it to 
 be costly and delicate — and so it was — but, like others, 
 she had been a little too anxious. 
 
 Then came on, for the next course, lamb, veal, mut- 
 ton, and numerous auxiliaries: there was every variety 
 of vegetables: as young potatoes, asparagus, spinage, 
 cauliflower — and heaps of green peas. 
 
 " A little of the fowl," cried out one of the gentle- 
 men. 
 
 " George," said Lady Bourgoin, looking at one of the 
 waiters — " pullet."
 
 174 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Oh, sliove it, my lady, and I can soon slice a bit off," 
 remarked the young gentleman who wanted the fowl. 
 
 Miss Adolphina thought she would suffer no further 
 disappointment, and being convinced that there was, 
 then, plenty before her — even for the most satisfactory 
 dinner — obtained a cutting from three different dishes — 
 and that too by the assistance of the gentleman of the 
 kids — who, through a hint from his mistress, had long 
 taken the field as a carver. He also helped her to three 
 different vegetables, with peas, of course, all on her 
 plate at once; the carver was resolved to serve her out 
 — and out. 
 
 This conduct on the part of the domestic who, at 
 first, had given her such just cause of offence, greatly 
 affected her: she was now convinced that — either she 
 had originally wronged him — or that he was trying, by 
 his present intense attention, to win her favour; to in- 
 duce her forgiveness, and, perhaps, to cause her to speak 
 a favourable word to his mistress before going away. 
 
 She would do so: as, beside his repentance, he was 
 evidently a very fine man. 
 
 " Lady Bourgoin would take wine with Mr. William 
 Kent," whispered a waiter in the ear of that young gen- 
 tleman. 
 
 Another waiter filled Lady Bourgoin a glass of Ma- 
 deira, seeing that no gentleman offered to do so. Wil- 
 liam Kent filled for himself — the usual inclination of 
 heads, and then both partook. 
 
 " Follow suit,''' thought all the party. 
 
 The attentive waiter (of the whites) immediately 
 filled Adolphina's glass, who took it up; and not, exactly, 
 understanding the movements of Lady Bourgoin and 
 her protege — nay, mistaking the Lady Bourgoin's nod 
 for a command to the waiter to fill her glass — she looked 
 at him of the gloves, and winked at him.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 175 
 
 All followed suit 
 
 That is, the ladies did. 
 
 The gentlemen conceiving it would be unnatural to 
 wink at a man, and having an unanimous wish to be 
 gallant and grateful, discharged their diiFerent fires at 
 the Lady Bourgoin. 
 
 The hostess was resolved that no more mistakes of 
 this nature should follow ; so, merely intimated to the 
 servants, to introduce champagne, and to do the thing 
 with as little ceremony as possible. 
 
 This they did : filling up the long-glasses quite as fast 
 as the guests seemed disposed to empty them. 
 
 Jacky said that, if the good Lady Bourgoin would 
 permit him, this time, he would be the fugleman. She 
 did. 
 
 And the professor was a stout fugleman. 
 
 A II followed suit. 
 
 " That warms," said Miss St. Crisp. 
 
 "Is it expensive?" whispered Miss Adolphina to the 
 gentleman next her. 
 
 " Five guineas a bottle ! I believe." 
 
 " That's the stuff, then, a lady should drink." The 
 white-gloves was watching the movement; and before 
 Miss Adolphina could intimate a request, the glass was 
 again filled. 
 
 This time, Miss Adolphina led. 
 
 " No revokes," called out Mr. Stratford — " come, vice, 
 why don't yer fill: — and chair — come, my lady, follow 
 suit." 
 
 And the waiters had great difficulty in replenishing 
 the glasses fast enough. But all did honour to the 
 young lady's lead. 
 
 "Is that geese I have been a-eatin off?" asked the 
 youth who had brought the fiddle and the hunch. 
 " It is, your honour," replied an attendant.
 
 176 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " I thought SO, it's SO precious rich : a snip of brandy 
 or I'll be sick— hauk!" 
 
 ^^ Brandy, from the side-board, George." 
 
 And the snip was at once brought in a small 
 glass. 
 
 " Here, stop — ^IVe been aitin fowl^ too, or a crow, I 
 don't know which ; so I want a drop of that sort of winigar 
 to my fat : waiter, a go of brandy, also." 
 
 " Follow suit; whips round," called out the professor. 
 
 And all got glasses; but there not being enow of 
 small rummers, some were obliged to use wine-glasses; 
 three of these fell to the ladies; and the violinist, holding 
 up his glass, called " The king, God bless him!" 
 
 And not one revoked; all demanded blessings on the 
 good king. 
 
 " The founder of the feast," called out another, " and 
 then, hip, hip, hip, hooroar! Lady Bourgoin's good health; 
 upstanding, uncovered — ^" 
 
 " Pardon me, my dear young friend; I am aware how 
 much I am indebted to your ardour and politeness ; but," 
 continued Lady Bourgoin, with a smile, " as I have the 
 honour to be chosen mistress of the ceremonies, may I 
 request that the compliment you were about to confer 
 upon me, may be waived until the removal of the 
 cloth." 
 
 " There, that sarves you right, Bing; I told yer that 
 healths should not be drunk until after the dumpling." 
 
 " Phit," returned the gentleman addressed, '^ I know 
 better." 
 
 " Done for a shillin." 
 
 "Done: here, waiter, come here," said Mr. Bing, 
 nodding to the white-gloves, " here, a word : which is 
 most proper, to drink healths afore, or after the dum- 
 pling's brought in?" 
 
 " (Ignorant cubs.) Not before nan nobis domine."
 
 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 177 
 
 " Well then, I've won," said the one who had offered 
 an opinion at variance with that of Mr. Bing. 
 "Why won?" 
 
 " Because that is the Latin for ^ not nobody is to drink 
 healths until everybody has done eatin:' — dojnine 
 meaning a spoon." 
 
 " Well, it's worth a shillin to know it ; but I perpose 
 it shall be given to the waiter — gentlemen should never 
 pocket money over dinner : the Penny Book on Manners 
 clearly shows that, in section the third: a crooked spine 
 might be the consequence." 
 
 By this time, the guests had dined sumptuously; Miss 
 Adolphina declaring that she had tasted, at least, every 
 thing on the table — and was there a single young lady 
 present who, when she got home, could not say the 
 same? 
 
 Then came the pastry, jellies, whips, blanc-man^ers, 
 ices, creams; oh! an endless variety of things. 
 
 And three glasses of champagne apiece, enabled both 
 ladies and gentlemen honestly to avow that, again, they 
 could assever not one thing left the table — at least, one 
 genus — but they had participated in its cooling, exciting, 
 or comfo7'tizing properties. 
 Now the cloth is removed. 
 
 And then the dessert : all, all, on an equally extensive, 
 massive, passive scale. 
 
 " Now," said the professor, " I suppose we can begin 
 and spend the afternoon. A few toasts, in bumpers, and 
 then cigars, and a walk up and around the gardens, with 
 our arms round the ladies' waists : that is, before coffee/ 
 " Oh," said Lady Bourgoin, " that would be delightful, 
 of course, every lady having the right of selecting her 
 own gentleman: it will be so innocent, mirth-like, and 
 engagS: must not indulge in the abandon: I am sure, 
 William Kent, you will walk with me?" 
 
 N
 
 178 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Yes, madam, respectfully." 
 
 " But, you young monkey, why do you speak so mourn- 
 fully? Waiter, fill your young master some more of the 
 long-glassed stuff — ginger-beer wine — what d'ye call it?" 
 
 " Kampagne," said Mr. Spuggs. 
 
 " That's it : take some of it, Billy," said Mr. Stratford, 
 " and look as if you made your friends welcome when 
 they comes out a-seein on you : dash it, you know I love 
 you better than — I was a-goin to say, my own father 
 and mother — a nice compliment that would be; but I 
 mean to say, that I love you better than Mrs. Kent; 
 your other grand-mother — your new one, here — I love 
 you better than all the world: — yes, you may stare. Miss 
 Adolphina, but I do; I love Billy Kent — the honourable 
 William Kent — better than all the world; in that, of 
 course, I include the stars, sun, and all the heavenly 
 bodies, barring, of course, those about me. (Jacky 
 looking slily at the ladies.) So here's to William Kent, 
 with all the honours, in bumpers." 
 
 " Ah, I knew that the professor would end with a 
 compliment at last: he certainly is the most mightiest 
 man alive," said Mr. , Spuggs : " William Kent, huzza — 
 ' for he's a jolly good fellow, he is, &c. &c.' " 
 
 Master Kent returned thanks, in a speech that, 
 though neat in its way, seemed to betray uneasiness, 
 and symptoms of pain, rather than the echo of hilarity 
 and loud-toned merriment, which, by this time, could 
 be easily heard to the river 
 
 " Just glasses round, then a cigar apiece, whilst the 
 ladies retire to rub down, and then for a go at gallop- 
 ading round the garden." 
 
 " Bravo, bravo, Professor." 
 
 Thus was the great professor's proposal unanimously 
 hailed by the hilarious company, and preparations for 
 the merry dance were immediately set about.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 179 
 
 Fiddler tunes, and then strikes up ! 
 
 The gentlemen, who are real gentlemen, and not proud 
 up-starts — ask the waiters to sit down, and take a 
 cheerful glass with them. 
 
 The waiters have no objections, so act accordingly. 
 
 " I say, ^ir. Stratford," said one a little coaxingly, 
 "just do us one or two of yer tricks: here's real trees 
 in the lawn: just show a thing or two, before the ladies 
 returns." 
 
 " Do, bless ye," said the rest. 
 
 Jacky off with his coat ; the glass-door, which led to 
 the lavvm, was opened, and Jacky commenced with the 
 monkey-gallop, and speedily cantered to the tree in 
 front; and, certainly, not only put a surprise upon the 
 waiters, but several of the inmates of the hotel, who were 
 reading and otherwise employed at the different win- 
 dows. Such boldness, decision, strength, and finisTi, 
 that the applause was deafening: and when he hung on 
 one of the boughs, by the tip of his toe, recovered, made 
 his spring upon the grass, again cantered through the 
 window: sprang upon the table, amongst the decanters, 
 glasses, and fruit-dishes — there were new wonders, whilst 
 one waiter solemnly said, that it was either Professor 
 Costello or the devil. 
 
 Here was fame! even the waiters, so far off as Rich- 
 mond, had heard of the great Costello. 
 
 The ladies are now returned and are ready, (for there 
 was not one but what could stand,) for either gallopades, 
 waltzes, or for foraging parties in the bowers, or snug 
 corners in the gardens. 
 
 And who should be passing through Richmond, and 
 in doing so call at the hotel our friends are honouring, 
 but the celebrated Dr. Benzoni: — hearing, by the merest 
 accident in the world, of our goodly party — he sends up 
 his card to the Lady Bourgoin — who, of course, desires
 
 180 THE LORD OF THE MANOB. 
 
 that he shall walk up to the glowing-room; he and the 
 good Madame Benzoni just enter, as the rest are going 
 to do the gallopading. Oh, what mutual surprises; how 
 singular, how fortunate! 
 
 The great doctor and lady must take a glass of wine 
 — and then watch the gallopades. 
 
 " Watch! mine friens, I shall now do so after the first 
 round: I and madame will do ourselves the honour." 
 No; madame must, for a time, be excused. 
 Jacky and Miss Adolphina led off, and the rest 
 followed with great vigour; William Kent and Lady 
 Bourgoin last. They rounded, and rounded, until most 
 were tired, and, at last, all drew up to a bower, where 
 wine and firuit were in readiness. 
 
 An old gentleman, who had lodgings in a wing of the 
 hotel, saw all this; and he being what is called a 
 valetudinarian, as well as slightly misanthropic, with a 
 dash of acerbity in his temper, was resolved to put an 
 end to that day's sports, at least; and, for this purpose, 
 sent his servant with such directions as he thought 
 would be effectual. 
 
 There was a rustic bridge at the bottom of the garden, 
 crossing a small rivulet: this the gallopers had to cross, 
 or very much contract the circle of their race-course; 
 and to this, it would seem, were the operations of the 
 mischievous gentleman's servant directed. 
 
 Quadrilles had been attempted; waltzing tried; but, 
 we must confess the truth, the wine and snips had been 
 too potent, or the constitutions of our merry party too 
 weak; — for any thing like an orderly figure they could 
 not manage. So gallopading was again the word: Dr. 
 Benzoni, very much to the delight of William Kent, 
 was to be the partner of the fair giver of the glorious 
 day's festivities. They lead off: go the entire round of 
 the gardens; so do all: the bridge was a little crazy,
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 181 
 
 as, in a less excited atmosphere, no doubt would have 
 been perceived, but it was not so then : the second round 
 came, when the bounding, joyous doctor, and his equally- 
 agile fair one, come prancing on — that is, on the bridge, 
 but were not destined to gallop off — for crash it went, 
 and down into its three-feet stream also went its burden: 
 next rolled in the great professor and sylph-like Adela 
 Adolphina: next — nay, it is impossible to say which 
 was in order, but like a mill falling into its own stream, 
 all was blocked up: and, strange to say, the very old 
 gentleman, who was famed for his hatred to all amuse- 
 ment, and love of mishaps, was, with his servant, the very 
 first to offer and to give assistance. Not that theirs was 
 sufficient to dislodge the dam that had partitioned the 
 ornamental waters of the sweet spot; no, all sober hands 
 in the whole establishment were brought into active 
 use, and even then, they were but just in time to save 
 the world from the united loss of the great Doctor Ben- 
 zoni^ and the good Lady Bourgoin.
 
 182 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 This was a sad end to the glorious dinner-party ; for end 
 it did, and that, too, even before coffee was ordered into 
 the drawing-room — coffee ordered into the drawing- 
 room! LadyBourgoin's physician ordered that hospitable 
 widow to her bed : whilst her agent, and one of her late 
 husband's relatives, were equally prompt in ordering the 
 great Doctor Benzoni and his terrified lady out of the 
 house: and more, threatened to horse-whip — that is, if 
 not off in greater haste than that they used in coming 
 thither — the entire of Professor Costello's friends — 
 himself included. 
 
 William Kent, though most anxious to go with poor 
 Jacky, as he called him, with flowing tears, was detained, 
 in order that proper inquiry could be made as to who, 
 what he was, and why there. 
 
 The professor, and several more, were in a terrible 
 pickle: the great doctor had a fit, and was really in a 
 deplorable state; for he still thought he was in drowning, 
 or in smothering: nothing could appease him; and though 
 his own carriao;e was there, it was not deemed safe to 
 remove him to the " Institution," and so he was carried 
 to another inn. 
 
 Jacky was not to be disheartened, and so soon as he 
 and friends got to the small hotel where the omnibus 
 was waiting, (after a slight renovation,) he burst into 
 the most unthinking crack of laughter.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 183 
 
 The rest soon followed suit. 
 
 And now all are in the 'bus, and Jacky must drive: 
 that was the agreement, else no pay: as it was, he 
 would not only pay, but a guinea was to be subscribed 
 as the parting fees of coachy and conductor. 
 
 Jacky mounted the box, and so did the coachman — 
 thinking he could easily seize the reins if anything should 
 go wrong. He soon, however, saw that the professor 
 well understood the use of the thong, if he was not quite 
 so au fait at the ribbons, for he put the horses off at a 
 wild gallop. 
 
 This jolted the ladies rarely: and then for singing 
 songs — praises of Lady Bourgoin, and anathemas on her 
 agent and physician, and that other monster who dared 
 to speak about horse-whipping. 
 
 " Oh, let's be jolly," said Mr. Spuggs, " where there's 
 love at the bottom, damn the cracked bridge. I wish 
 you had been half drownded, my 'Melia." 
 
 " What for?" exclaimed that astonished and loving- 
 young lady. 
 
 " To have shown the world the sincerity of my aiFec- 
 tions, and how I would have pulled yer out by the heels, 
 and have kissed yer shoe-ties dry." 
 
 '^ Oh, what a love you be ! if you think of going to 
 'prentice before going to the holy bands of mat-ter — 
 what is the matter?" 
 
 " Oh, only two of the young ladies have eat too much : 
 that's all: ' for we are the boys — ' " 
 
 " Don't be so unfeelin," said the sweetheart of Mr. 
 Spuggs: " come, my dears, you'll soon be better: you 
 know you aint afloat of a steamer — every one is sick 
 there — but not when aboard of carriage — " 
 
 " Oh, besides, the professor will soon draw up to wet, 
 and then a snip apiece of brandy — " 
 
 " Yes, and I know a house as we go along, where there
 
 184 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 is a smashln dancin-room; into that we'll retire and jig 
 it ofF." 
 
 Unanimously agreed. 
 
 " Yoh!" screamed all the ladies; "Oh Heavens! 
 what's that? are we upset again? oh, that bridge hunts 
 me!" 
 
 " Stop that ere 'bus/' was heard to be shouted from 
 a score of voices. 
 
 " Not for my kingdom," replied the gentleman, who 
 now increased the application of the whip. 
 
 It would appear that the professor, in striving to pass 
 some drunken cockneys in a go-cart, nearly upset it — 
 was himself driven to an opposite angle of the road, and 
 there did overturn sundry barrels of herrings, and other 
 small- ware, the property of a huckster; two or three 
 children, the property of a neighbour: the casks were 
 smashed; the children only thought they were; but the 
 mothers, brothers, and the owner of the casks, with the 
 sympathizing public, all ran after the flying 'bus : nothing 
 could exceed their clamorous requests that the said 
 'bus would draw up. Jacky paid no attention to all they 
 could say, but was obliged to do so to what they could 
 perform — the leaders were seized by some road-makers 
 — Jacky was brought to a stand. 
 
 " Why don't you stop and see what damage you have 
 done?" demanded one of the men who still held one of 
 the reins. 
 
 " Unhand that horse, villain, or — guard, where is your 
 blunderbuss; blow his brains out: don't you see I'm a 
 drivin a government express? the king's carriage is 
 upset: — the queen has dislocated her nervous system, 
 and I'm drivin for the privy council — not a soul to 
 help the carriage — " 
 
 " Where is it?" asked the men. 
 
 "Oh, just round yon corner: tell the man with the
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 185 
 
 smashed butter and herring tubs to send in his claim 
 to the treasury, and all the childers' broken legs: charge 
 a thousand apiece, and all shall be paid: — God save 
 the King and Queen. Sus, sus," and away the horses 
 dashed. 
 
 And all ran to assist the royal sufferers. 
 
 The omnibus drew up to the entrance of the Sanspa- 
 reil, just two hours later than it should have done : that 
 is, considering the nature and quality of its way-bill; 
 being, as we know, a list of the principal members and 
 spiritual committee of the great attraction of the sea- 
 son. 
 
 The managers had been making the usual speeches 
 on these trying occasions — when the call-boy ran to the 
 prompter's corner to announce the important arrival. 
 Another piece had been in doing upon the stage, and 
 was still in its tedious operations, when one of the 
 managers rushed on the stage, and in a third speech 
 about Professor Costello's dining at Richmond with a 
 select party of the nobility, and a sprinkling of remote 
 royalty, told them of his glowing happiness in being 
 able to inform them, that the great professor had arrived. 
 It were needless to say that he would appear before 
 them so soon as dressed, with the usual etcetera. 
 
 The other piece was not permitted to proceed. 
 
 And soon the curtain rises, and soon do the spiritual 
 committee: and equally soon are heard some singular 
 remarks of the audience ; as to the appearance, bearing, 
 and fitness of the council: the house gets from amaze- 
 ment to astonishment, or the reverse — from that to 
 hisses, from hisses to hot chuckles, then again to the 
 most splashy laughter — and finally to encores. But the 
 management fearing that the last appeared more like 
 banter than applause, had again to apologize: — the ma- 
 chinery and traps were a little out of order: these had
 
 186 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 frightened the young ladies — nothing more: British 
 public — wives and little ones : an Englishman's fireside : 
 home for the free-born: three cheers for the old British 
 glory. 
 
 And we are delighted to say, in this way our ladies 
 got out of the first council: the management did not 
 risk a second: indeed, it was not wanted, for now the 
 terrible monkey of the terrible long name appears. 
 
 The very first gambol repaid the audience for all their 
 waiting: the second told that fame is not to be clutched 
 but by those who have strong and mighty grasps. But 
 the third surpassed the rest ; the fourth was terrific : the 
 next appeared to be either madness or a tumble, from 
 the ceilino^ to the stao;e. Which could it be? it was 
 soon made clear, by the curtain dropping, and the con- 
 fusion which was evidently going on behind. In truth, 
 the poor professor had dislocated his neck. Mr. Brady 
 
 had that dav drawn the last instalment of his son's 
 
 t/ 
 
 salary; and all that Mr. Stratford knew of himself, or of 
 his own affairs, for one fortnight after, was finding his 
 said self in a small bed, in which he formerly slept 
 when assistant to the good Mrs. Kent: there he was, 
 and beside him was the pale-faced William Kent. 
 
 A slight shake of the hand, and a few tears, showed 
 that Jacky was come to consciousness, and William and 
 his grand-mother also shed tears at the recognition; and, 
 though Mr. Brady had drawn and spent his salary, his 
 mother came to his bed-side, when he was insensible, 
 looked at him as he slept, nor waited till he awoke to 
 manifest a mother's feelings, which she did in a little 
 drunken ferocity: pouring curses upon him, for robbing 
 her and poor babies out of five pound a-week. 
 
 The Sanspareil had got a new and powerful feature : 
 Mr. Cousins had adopted him, even Miss Adolphina 
 thought she could love the new attraction in time — it
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 187 
 
 misrlit be even better than the late one — he was so reck- 
 less. Colonel O'Craizem refused to repay the money 
 Jacky had lent him. The Jew had been, and stripped 
 him of all the jewels, seeing that the marrying of the 
 widow was now over : his mother had taken care to steal 
 his clothes — of course to pledge for him, as she said it 
 was her duty to look round him, since now she could not 
 see after him. All these, and many other woes, beset 
 the bed-ridden simpleton. Still, there was a quiet cham- 
 ber, a darkened window, gruel, black-currant tea, cut 
 apples and oranges, a nurse, with plenty of doctor' s-stufF 
 for the once great, but now humble; the once mighty, 
 but now in very truth — the poor, poor, Professor 
 
 COSTELLO. 
 
 HERE ENDETH THE SECOND PART.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 PAET III. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 We, now, widely branch off to another part of our 
 subject, as well, for a time, to another part of the king- 
 dom; and, but for the heaps of business in our previous 
 parts, we should have been there sooner, as, in point of 
 fact, in this place the real subject of our labours com- 
 mences. 
 
 It has elsewhere been stated, that William Kent had 
 a grand-father, as well as a grand-mother Kent: and 
 that this grand-sire had left home, and stayed from it 
 in a somewhat mysterious manner. We will begin at 
 the beginning of this. Robert Kent, the husband of 
 Mrs. Kent, was from a good family of Chester; the 
 members of it having been, for a number of years, the 
 principal merchants in that city, when it was a principal 
 port. This Robert was brought up to the sea, and 
 eventually commanded one of his father's ships; but from 
 a somewhat steady youth, he, upon the death of his 
 father, became a very gay, if not to say, a profligate 
 man. Suffice it, he soon got through his patrimony: 
 married, and a fortnight after joined the naval service 
 of his Majesty, in which he was soon appointed boat- 
 swain. His friends bought him off; and, that he might
 
 190 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 not do so profligate a thing again, one of them settled 
 forty pounds a-year upon him. By this time, he had 
 several children ; and, after trying a dozen different pur- 
 suits, was settled down, in his fiftieth year, as a cobbler 
 near the brewery of Barclay and Perkins — his chief 
 business being to mend for the gentlemen connected 
 with that establishment; viz., the coopers, brewers, 
 draymen ; and indeed for most of them, save, of course, 
 the clerks — or the other gentlemen's ladies. And then, 
 for a few gratuitous stitches in a horse's collar, should 
 the saddler be out of the way, or putting a buckle upon 
 a skate-trap in frosty weather — he was the man. His 
 trade, with as much porter as he at all times liked to 
 swig, which was at all times vouchsafed to him, with the 
 forty pounds a-year — made him very comfortable. We 
 say /w'm, because Mrs. Kent kept the whole family by 
 means of the green-grocery store we have often men- 
 tioned. So Mr. Kent, as may be supposed, was a very 
 jolly old gentleman — that is, not so very old — and par- 
 ticularly as he had originally been blessed with a very 
 good constitution — but about sixty. 
 
 At this period, however, though surrounded by all 
 these blessings, he one morning took it into his head to 
 leave his stall, his wife, his brewery customers, his stout 
 — and the strangest of all, Billy Kent: for, though he 
 had a large family of his own, it was known that he 
 loved his little grand-son the best of all. Still, away 
 went Robert Kent. The family were a little surprised, 
 but soon became reconciled, when, in about two months 
 after, they heard that he had taken up his sojourn near 
 the Wiches in his old county of Cheshire. This, too, 
 was at his sister's — one who, like himself, had not taken 
 the most prudent course in early life — marrying one of 
 her father's clerks: who — although an old man — was 
 yet in the same capacity in one of the great salt-works.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 191 
 
 He had a tidy salary; and, with a few acres of land, a 
 couple of cows, his unmarried sons in situations, and 
 two of his daughters engaged in business, one as a dress- 
 maker, the other in the fabrication of stays — his means 
 were respectable — the family a tolerably united one — 
 and all pretty snug. 
 
 Uncle Kent was received with a great deal of wel- 
 come; and soon began his old trade amongst them — 
 his cobbling : he, no doubt, missed his gallon of stout a- 
 day; but then he got a good share of the home- 
 brewed. 
 
 He did all the family's work, and the neighbours' : and 
 then he did some farming: looked after the cows: put 
 up a rail now and then, in a broken fence: a rare one 
 he was at a crippled gate: he improved the appearance 
 of the shippon : rebuilt the brick oven : mended the gaps 
 in the hedges : set a gin therein now and then : caught 
 a hare about a similar amount of times : invented a new 
 rat-trap: caught the cat in it the first night: and in 
 short he became so useful — his forty pounds a-year was 
 so certain: his yarns were so entertaining: his example 
 so improving to the sons: and — but this must confer 
 dignity on a new paragraph. 
 
 He was the sole heir to a magnificent estate in the 
 neighbourhood, of some twelve thousand a-year: but 
 then the present possessor, his cousin. Sir Joseph 
 Yernon, was only forty: he might marry, or he might 
 outlive uncle Kent, who was, melancholily enough, 
 twenty years older. 
 
 Still, the eldest daughter of his sister, a thin, wiry 
 piece of virginity, all at once got it into the place over 
 which she wore her false curls, not only that it was pos- 
 sible, but studied herself into nightly dreams, that her 
 uncle would, nay must, come to the estate. 
 
 Oh then, it would not do to let uncle Kent go back
 
 192 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 to London: a vile place, where he had never been 
 treated as one who had the remotest pretensions to 
 twelve thousand a-year. 
 
 Now, this family's name was Clough. 
 
 And the eldest young lady we have described, and 
 who also was the one reared to the handicraft of a 
 country stay-maker, was called — at tea-parties. Miss 
 Clough — at home, Barbara. 
 
 And she doubled and trebled her attention to her 
 uncle; prayed that Sir Joseph Vernon might soon be 
 in heaven: said that he could not be better off in any 
 other place; and though rebuked, still her prayer was, 
 that Sir Joseph were in heaven — as he should be. 
 
 Uncle Kent was so flattered by all these attentions — 
 for the reader may depend upon it they were not a 
 few — that he told his niece that if the estate and title 
 were to fall to him the next day — she and she only 
 should be the lady of the manor. Her youngest brother 
 should be the steward — a fine-looking chap enough, but 
 dissipated, roistering, and fond of any thing save stand- 
 ing employment, or the churlish doctrines propounded 
 by masters of salt-works, or the oflice wherein he used 
 to use his quill and pocket-knife. He had long been 
 turned out of his father's office; not by his father, but 
 by those who owned the keys of the doors of the said 
 office. 
 
 Butler, coachman, and even the lowest domestics were 
 perspectively appointed, and very well all behaved in 
 their respective situations : better servants could not be. 
 
 Uncle Kent must have a new suit of black: and look 
 like a gentleman who some day expected to wear one 
 on the occasion of taking possession of Beachwood Hall. 
 
 " I'd make that suit myself," said the spinster — ^Miss 
 Clough. 
 
 " I'd sit up all night, to help you," said the steward.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 193 
 
 " You should not want something to drink over it," 
 said the butler. 
 
 " I'd take care you should have fresh rabbits every 
 morning for breakfasts," said the game-keeper. 
 
 " And sha'n't they have nice custards when the cowa 
 calve?" demanded the dairy maid. 
 
 " There shall not be a cleaner place in Cheshire," 
 remarked the maid of all-work. But it is unnecessary 
 to proceed: the reader will at once see, that we have 
 not at all overvalued either the ability or industry of the 
 new domestics of Beechwood Hall. 
 
 A year went on in this way — the black clothes being 
 not quite so sable as at first: the servants not quite so 
 prompt in their respective labours : still, it must be con- 
 fessed there was no great cause of complaint, and par- 
 ticularly at quarter-day, when Uncle Kent and niece 
 returned from Chester with the usual sum of ten poupds. 
 Out of this she permitted him to treat his servants to 
 the amount of about five shillings, in all; after which, 
 the whole was handed to the intended ladv of the manor. 
 Then Mr. Kent did write twice home to his family, 
 but never received one word in reply: here was a cool- 
 blooded, unnatural family, for you : the old man-of-war's 
 man swore that he would never write again: even Billy 
 Kent had proved unfeeling. 
 
 But let us do justice to the character of that young 
 gentleman, as well as grand-mother Kent, uncle and 
 aunts Kent — not one ever received one line from father 
 Kent, ever since he had gone into the country. 
 
 And the reason is this; the lady of the manor, 
 though she had undertaken to do so, when at market- 
 town, never put the said letters into the post-office. 
 They could have been posted in the adjoining village, 
 but then, could not the office-keeper have told all his 
 other customers that, after all, Mr. Kent had a Mistress 
 
 o
 
 194 THE LORD OF THE MANOR- 
 
 Kent in London: and as nobody had ever heard that 
 Mr. Kent had a lawful wife at all, it is clear it was 
 better to trade w^th a post-shop in which the proprietor 
 was not so familiar with the name of " Kent from 
 London" as the adjoining tradesman was known to be. 
 
 This, then, broke all off with ^irs. Kent of London, 
 who was known to have been one of the most exemplary 
 wives in the world : she thought that this last stroke of 
 cruelty and neglect was beyond pardon, and being, for 
 her position, a highly-spirited woman, said nothing to 
 any one, but was resolved to resent it by silent indiffer- 
 ence: for this was not the first time the ingenious Mr. 
 Kent had run away: he had always returned, though, 
 humbly enough, and would this time. 
 
 In this Mrs. Kent made a miscalculation, as we shall 
 
 see. 
 
 But she had a good family, all steady and dotingly 
 attached to their mother: her eldest son (the father of 
 William Kent, and two elder boys by a former wife,) was 
 dead. William Kent was her intense pet; he consoled 
 her for every w^oe. This eldest son, though but young 
 when he died, yet had had three wives, by the first of 
 whom he had no issue, by the second, as we have said, 
 he had two sons, and by the third, one — William Kent. 
 
 The oldest son, Tom, was a fat, idle, churl, and 
 therefore no favourite with the Kent family ; the second, 
 Peter, was very little better. Now it will be seen that 
 if ever grand-father Kent should become the possessor 
 of Beechwood, this Tom would undoubtedly be the 
 heir. "But," as Mrs. Kent used to say, "what idle 
 stuff about inheriting Beechwood!" 
 . The intended lady of Beechwood, as well as all the 
 domestics, after a space of two years, got quite tired of 
 their new position ; and the first being resolved upon a 
 bit of change, was determined to visit that ancient seat,
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 195 
 
 and see, with what she called her own eyes, if there 
 was any chance of the death of Sir Joseph Yernon. 
 For this purpose she got uncle Kent another suit of 
 black, his name printed upon a score of cards, and by 
 means of a post-chaise, soon made the avenues of the 
 inheritance. Mr. Robert Kent as soon sent up his card 
 to his cousin — the secluded old bachelor of Beech wood, 
 Sir Joseph Vernon. 
 
 Sir Joseph was most desirous to avoid any communi- 
 cation with the gentleman of the card: and this was 
 not through pride, or any unnatural feeling, but because 
 he had heard many reports of Robert Kent which by no 
 means added to the fame of the family, or benefit of the 
 gentleman who was then claiming an audience. Sir 
 Joseph, however, was resolved to see the stranger: he 
 was his cousin, and whatever had been his imprudences, 
 still he was of the old family of Beechwood. 
 
 The latter consideration stifled all objections, on his 
 part, to the seeing of Mr. Kent, and he became actually 
 polite, when he found his half-cousin. Miss Clough, was 
 also a visitor. Both were received in the room in which 
 Sir Joseph was in the habit of seeing the few friends 
 who visited him; for being of remarkably seclusive 
 habits, as well as in but indifferent health, he had not 
 many callers — in either sense, he was too retired for the 
 one, too benevolent for the other. 
 
 The strangers were received with great kindness : Sir 
 Joseph asking the usual questions of relations: as, when 
 did so and so marry, die — leave this country, and the rest. 
 Lunch was ordered in, and it was observed that Sir 
 Joseph had not been so chatty for a long time. Nay, 
 he actually took Miss Clough through the gardens; and 
 at parting, made her the most solemn bow: said that, 
 at all times, he should be most happy to see her, or 
 her mother.
 
 196 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 For half an hour, it is now thought that she wavered 
 as to whether she should wait to be the lady of Beech- 
 wood, or try to be the mistress at once. All this was 
 soon damped by the information, given to her by the 
 old steward — on whom they called as they returned — 
 that Sir Joseph was about to be married to a widow in 
 the neighbourhood : a woman of great wealth and per- 
 sonal attraction. 
 
 Then did this wiry spinster practise her head instead 
 of the business she had been reared to, and which only 
 required the co-operation of her hands: — she dropped 
 stay-making and turned financier. 
 
 In the first place, she made herself well acquainted 
 with the position, temper, habits, and movements of the 
 wife elect of Sir Joseph. 
 
 As to the baronet, her one interview was enough: he 
 was, undoubtedly, a little hipped; a good deal of a 
 scholar, secluded, and, therefore, narrowed and timid. 
 Him she could easily manage. The widow was a more 
 sinewy task: but then, she herself was made of sinew, 
 with ribs of double-strong blacksmiths' wire. And thus 
 she set about it: she wrote a series of imputations, not 
 against the moral character of Sir Joseph, that were 
 senseless, as no one would believe them, but against his 
 manhood: in short, what she wrote cannot find a place 
 here, for though we are bound to tell the truth as we go 
 on, still it must be clean, decent, and unfilthified; for 
 the reader may be assured he need be under no alarm, 
 on that score, in the perusal of these pages. 
 
 The widow and her very near friends were wonder- 
 struck: the subject was so very delicate that it was 
 impossible to go into anything like an inquiry. 
 
 There certainly were things calculated to favour, 
 rather than dispel the charges. 
 
 Be the truth what it miofht, the writer evinced such
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 197 
 
 earnestness, defied an imputation of motive in what she 
 wrote — in few words the lady resolved — whether true 
 or not, to drop further correspondence with the unhappy 
 victim of this dreadful scheme. It was not until this 
 that it was discovered by all who knew the amiable 
 baronet, how sincerely and deeply his affections had 
 been engaged to the ill-used lady. 
 
 Sir Joseph was honourable, proud, and reserved, dis- 
 daining to complain; lethargy and gloominess were the 
 consequence; and after about a year's intense suffering, 
 his family were thrown into the greatest consternation 
 and misery, by finding that their beloved master had 
 committed suicide: the poor man nearly cutting his 
 head off with his razor. 
 
 These glad tidings soon reached the salt-clerk's hum- 
 ble and happy dwelling: uncle Kent, with his eldest 
 niece, were found in Chester three hours after. They 
 went to the family lawyer: Mr. Kent's claim to Beech- 
 wood was at once established ; but the heir was advised 
 not to take possession, or to go near the house of mourn- 
 ing, for three weeks. As to any money, however, which 
 he might want, he had better take three or four hun- 
 dred pounds, just to buy mourning with, or with which 
 to take a slight excursion — or any little indulgence that 
 Sir Robert Vernon might want: of course he must 
 go to the funeral if asked. 
 
 This was the first time that Robert Kent had heard 
 his new name: he having to change that of Kent to 
 that of Vernon — the entail, so long as it lasted, enforcing 
 that observance. 
 
 It may be supposed that there would be mighty re- 
 joicings at the salt-springs: and there were, and no 
 doubt would have been more, but Miss Clough bethought 
 hery that the whole might travel up to London, and the 
 consequence might be, at least, some very troublesome
 
 198 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 letters in return: as to anything of a more decided 
 character, she did not fear: that she would soon stop. 
 
 Well, she had never seen London; and having two 
 hundred pounds left, after sharing pretty largely with 
 her brothers and sisters, and making suitable purchases 
 for all parties, she was resolved that the new baronet 
 should take her thither; and it being Whitsuntide, the 
 old gentleman could not well refuse. Greenwich fair, 
 he knew, would be on: then he had an intense desire to 
 see Astley's, the Surrey theatre — where British-glory 
 pieces were then done in tlieir glory: and, in short, was 
 longing for some real stout of Barclay and Perkins. 
 
 The lady had the charms in view of a first peep at 
 London, but she had something else: she knew that 
 even at Greenwich fair, they would stand a chance of 
 being seen by some of her uncle's family or an acquaint- 
 ance: nay, was resolved that before she left London, 
 some one who knew him, and that well too, should see 
 them; and then would it not have this effect — that the 
 account, ivhich she knew they had had, of its being untrue 
 as to his sojourn in the country, would be confirmed: 
 that it was certain he had been living in London all the 
 time — or not far off. And then to be seen with another 
 woman too! oh, it would act. It would, undoubtedly, 
 put a greater chasm in the way than ever — even if they 
 durst try it — of a family reconciliation. The very im- 
 pudence of the thing pleased her: it had a dash of female 
 Napoleonism in it — strength, greatness of mind: making 
 fit, and getting ready for the ladyship of the manor. 
 Feeble beginnings must end languidly: if bold ones had 
 occasionally to be tapered off, surely maudlin ones could 
 lay no claim to success. 
 
 So off the good couple started for London: arrived 
 there in twenty-four hours : and though Sunday morn- 
 ing, the good Miss Clough was anxious to be at Green-
 
 THE LOUD OF THE MANOR. 199 
 
 wich, even if the fair did not begin until the next morn- 
 ing. She was resolved to see every thing which she 
 thought would please dear uncle. 
 
 And Sir Kobert said, " what a blessing it was for him 
 to have met with such tenderness and love, as contrasted 
 with the neglect shown him by a cat of a wife, and 
 equally culpable daughters." 
 
 " It is not for me to say anything, uncle, but certainly 
 to be away from home three years without one inquiry, 
 is a little strange." 
 
 " Ay, and in sickness twice too, and as often fined for 
 poaching: but now, as I am a qualified man, wont I whack 
 every damned head of game that that damned Lord 
 Delarane has?" 
 
 " You must not damn now^ Sir Robert !" 
 
 " Then take the title yourself: four years on board 
 of a man-of-war where we had two chaplains, and 
 musn't swear — what did I serve my time to the sea 
 for? and now it's discovered I must not do a little 
 tobacco-chewing ; squirt the juice out in company, 
 or throw the chaw or a damn at a Jew slop-seller ; 
 or at the fellow that pulled me up for drawing the long 
 pond ! " 
 
 ^' Oh, of course, Sir Kobert, as much as you like when 
 we are alone, but not when any one is present. Re- 
 member that there is no class of men knows how to 
 behave better to the ladies than naval officers. A kiss 
 for obedience, and a little pout at an irregularity : — that's 
 what I shall give you." 
 
 " Or when you see a fit of swearing coming on, can't 
 you walk out of the room ? " 
 
 " This to the lady of Beechwood ! I should support 
 
 the honour of your house, and dignity of your table 
 
 rarely : supposing the rector should be present ! " 
 
 '' Confound all rectors; wasn't it before one of 'em I 
 v«L I.— a
 
 200 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 was taken both times in the poaching cases ? and yet 
 I must not swear before one of ^em at my own table : 
 now could not they, at all rates, walk out of the room 
 when they see a savage attack of this natur a-coii^ 
 
 mg onr 
 
 ^» 
 
 " No, Sir Robert, it were cowardly : it is their 
 bounden duty to combat such evil and frenzied spasms : 
 but, however, I know dear unky will do anything to 
 please one who loves him so well: and of this as of other 
 things we will talk another time: we are come here to 
 enjoy a little repose; and after three years' anxiety, 
 scheming, and unwearied industry, apprehension, and 
 suspense through your predecessor — " 
 
 " Why, Barbara, what cursed stuff you are a-talkin : 
 if any one heard you, they'd think we^d helped ofT cousin, 
 instead of the razor and the wash-bowl: I think you 
 want checking just nowP* 
 
 And the niece felt that what her uncle had said ought 
 to have been thought over by herself: and she was re- 
 solved, in future, to exercise, in relative quantities, all 
 the caution she possessed. This, with her cunning, fore- 
 sight, promptness^ and decision, she thought would be 
 the synthesis of one of the most perfect feminine charac- 
 ters in the world. And she well knew that of Madame 
 Maintenon. 
 
 And, as we have a little time in our way, we will give 
 a brief sketch of this singularly-positioned couple. The 
 lady admitted to thirty-eight years of age, which reads 
 forty-two; not that she looked that age ; no, though 
 far from beautiful, such were the slightnessand springiness 
 of her figure, that, at a glance, many years under the 
 amount stated would have passed current ; she was light- 
 complexioned, had gray eyes, white lips, buck teeth, and 
 was purse-mouthed ; she had a remarkable cackle in her 
 s-peakimg; (which she always did in great haste^and threw
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 201 
 
 out in great quantities) ; so far as demeanour went, all things 
 might be said to be right: one thing was against her, 
 that is, to the knowing — she always laughed in her mouth. 
 We have spoken of her elasticity of body, and shall 
 only add, that her subordinates conceived that her powers 
 of watchfulness were even superior to it again; nay, 
 some of her more enthusiastic admirers said that, for this 
 quality and apparent unconsciousness, she could beat the 
 cat. As to her other virtues, talents, and general attain- 
 ments, we shall have, as we go on, plenty of opportunities 
 of judging'; of sympathising and conceding our due 
 praises to her merits. 
 
 Sir Robert was, at the time of taking possession of 
 Beechwood, in his sixty-third year; of short though 
 gentlemanly build enough; a remarkably red, country- 
 parson-looking face : a head almost as white as his 
 neckerchief: a faultless style, that is, to the admirers of 
 the brusque : a body corresponding to his mind, that is, 
 the one very strong, the other very weak. Good- 
 natured, but implacable, when he was, or imagined 
 himself, injured: and the latter being very often the 
 case, particularly since under the care of his niece, we 
 must not be surprised if, occasionally, he exhibits a little 
 irascibility, and, of course, like all the uneducated, most 
 when most wrong. 
 
 This sketch of him we deem enough, as, like the lady, 
 we shall frequently be able to judge for ourselves: — 
 better than long descriptions. 
 
 Miss Clough had great difficulty in preventing Sir 
 Robert from drinking whole pints of stout at every crack 
 house he came to, particularly after he had crossed 
 Blackfriars Bridge. The very atmosphere seemed to 
 awaken him to old recollections, in this particular. Miss 
 Clough kept urging upon him the degradation he was
 
 202 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 undergoing in drinking the beverage of the vulgar; 
 that he should now consider, that the very next day- 
 might bring its demands for his services to his king, 
 his advice to his country's councils, as high-sheriff, and 
 the rest. Still, he could not help lifting the delightful, 
 well-remembered, and often-caressed pewter pots. 
 
 And after he had emptied thirteenof them, a truly funny 
 request escaped from him, and which was, that they 
 should at once go into Rowland Hill's Chapel — being 
 Sunday night — and see how Mrs. Kent looked and 
 behaved during prayers: her attendance to her duties, 
 at this place of worship, being so regular, he knew he 
 should see her there. 
 
 " Besides," added the baronet, " you might see two 
 or three of your cousins, Barbara, whom you never saw 
 before; and then," said he, in high spirits, " there will 
 be certain to be with his grand-mother the beautiful 
 Billy Kent — oh, such a scholar: you talk about Jack's 
 lad — phit!" and the baronet spoke like a man who did, 
 or ou2:ht to know what the word scholar meant. 
 
 " Sir, I have heard you out : is it for this you have 
 brought me to London? — to insult me? is this a reward 
 for all my cares? this a fulfilment of all your promises? 
 (tears;) this to be our happiness? this to be the lady of 
 Beech wood? This a proper spirit of revenge for the 
 contumely and neglect which they heaped upon you? 
 see how they have treated (sobs) my own dear uncle! 
 would not send so much as an answer to either of the 
 two kind letters which you wrote them: neglected him 
 when he was in adversity, (incipient hysterics,) and now, 
 in his prosperity, he wants to do the same to his poor 
 niece — she — she — who — wh-o has — wat-watched by hi- 
 him — an — ^" 
 
 " Oh, stop it; quite enough."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 203 
 
 " Never to write to see if he were long since dead — ^ 
 
 " The infernal wretch, you're right : curse them : I'd 
 forgot that; but I had forgot — I suppose I must not 
 swear before — " 
 
 " Strangers : but I hope I know when to allow honest 
 indignation to burst its prison-gates. Therefore you 
 must not go near ; as I do not wish you to burst a 
 blood vessel, which I am sure would be the case if you 
 were to give vent to your proper anger. And then this 
 beautiful grand-child — even he could not think of 
 writing to his poor grand-father in exile: O world, O 
 ungrateful. So kind a husband, father, and friend ; and 
 yet, had it not been for comparative strangers, this good 
 man might have ended his days without one hand to cool 
 his temples, or without one affectionate kiss to mois-ten 
 his — hi — lips." 
 
 " Come, come, it's of — of great use you a-setting on 
 me on to crying like yourself: you're right, my dear: 
 they are an unnatural pack of devils." 
 
 " Well, then, let us get a coach and get back to the 
 Castle and Falcon, as soon as we can — there is a dear, 
 dear, good Sir Robert.'* 
 
 ^'I'll have another pot, and then: the ungrateful 
 monsters !" 
 
 " You shall have three at the hotel, dear — " 
 
 " Oh, but the draught at the hotel is nothing ! the 
 stout there is not worth a suck throuo-h a straw." 
 
 " But, surely, you can have some sent for: I suppose 
 there will be some to be had in the neighbourhood; 
 and whether or not, they will be sure to have what I 
 know you like — some real London gin: and then shall 
 not I be near you?" continued the lady, looking fondly 
 at the baronet. " Could dear uncle refuse any, any thing 
 to one whom he has promised never to disobey — never 
 
 Yol I.— O.
 
 204 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 to disoblige — waiter, call a coach," concluded the ladj, 
 as she finished rin<Tinor the bell. 
 
 " They certainly have behaved to me like confounded 
 devils." 
 
 " Why, now, that is spoken like my own dear uncle 
 once more."
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 205 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 The next day they repaired to Greenwich fair, and 
 after viewing its glories, Miss Clough was anxious to see 
 the very spot which she had always found by a cipher 
 in the maps of the world: in other words, she wanted to 
 see the place whence the English count their longitude. 
 They had just walked round the observatory, when, all 
 at once, Sir Robert left the arm of his attentive niece, 
 and walked rapidly towards a couple on a rising banlc 
 opposite. Miss Clough was surprised at this, but fol- 
 lowed quickly after, and was slightly taken aback when 
 she heard the following: 
 
 " What! Louisa, you will be seen with that damned 
 young scamp? You young hussy, did not I tell you, 
 that if ever I knew you to speak another word to him, 
 that I would turn you out of doors." 
 
 " Oh, John, if there is not my poor dear father: oh, 
 dear father, I am so happy to see you : John, with me, 
 ask his blessing — " 
 
 " Blessing ! you young impident minx ! — how dare you 
 to be seen with him?" 
 
 " Oh, father, don't lift your cane — we have been mar- 
 ried eighteen months : got into business : twelve men at 
 work, and called our little Robert after you; and so 
 like, no one could tell which is which." 
 
 " Oh, come," said the gentleman, "I'll make her a good 
 husband you'll see, sir. We are as happy as we can be,
 
 20G THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 and I'm making a fortune : come, you know, sir, she was 
 always your favourite : come and let me pay my duty to 
 you, sir, over a bottle of wine." 
 
 "Married!" 
 
 "Yes, dear father," said Louisa, sobbing upon her 
 father's breast : " I know we should have had your con- 
 sent if we had known where to ask it : you know, father, 
 how I always loved you : come with us home : and if 
 you don't like to speak to mother for a day or so, I 
 will break the ice. O, how happy shall we be — and I 
 have such a sweet house — your portrait in the best 
 parlour — " 
 
 And the baronet blubbered. 
 
 " See how much happier you will be, living at home : 
 people at your time of life should never be seen apart, 
 let alone living apart: eh, and, father, Willy Kent has 
 now above forty prizes, and now he's got an exhibition, 
 I think they call it, for college; how glad he will be to 
 see — he's always talking about his dear grand-father." 
 
 And the lady wept, as did her father; as did her 
 husband. 
 
 And they all said they never felt so happy before. 
 
 " Then Billy Kent— st— still—still loves me." 
 
 " Oh dear, — father — how can you ask such questions! 
 — and see how little Robert will love you too — see how 
 we all, always, loved you. I want you to make Robert 
 a ship, like that you made for the scholar — he's taking 
 it with him to college — love you, father! — why, see how 
 good you was to us all — and see how mother frets after 
 you, and prays for you." 
 
 " Stop, stop, my sweet Louisa — I've been a bad father 
 — ^but now I'll make you all amends. Walk down the 
 hill and I'll foUow you. John Clarkson, give me your 
 hand: I am very glad to see you behaving so well to 
 your wife. You'll see I'll be a friend of yours."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 207 
 
 John Clarkson was in ecstasies: and he and his wife 
 walked the way pointed out by his father-in-law. 
 
 The baronet then turned round to his niece; looked 
 at her for a moment and said, " a rather singular 
 meetin, wasn't it ?" 
 
 The lady was so moved that Sir Robert could scarcely 
 hold her hand ; " run to them ; get their address ; tell 
 them you will call upon them to-morrow night, or I shall 
 have a fit." 
 
 Sir Robert obeyed; he soon returned, and she, with- 
 out saying another word — though trembling most 
 violently — hurried to one of the gates, and there ordered 
 a coach for town: got oif at London Bridge, and then 
 took another for the Castle and Falcon. This she did 
 to prevent all trace to their lodgings. 
 
 In the mean time, Mr. Clarkson and lady repaired, with 
 all speed, to the neighbourhood of Lambeth road^ and 
 there sent for a friend in order to advise as to what had 
 best be done. It was agreed by all not to tell Mrs. 
 Kent a word, until father had been home a few days, at 
 least, and then make a family reconciliation on a fitting 
 scale. The family had been an improving one in all 
 respects. Mrs. Kent, it was well known, had a good 
 round sum in the bank: her daughter had married far 
 above her own position, Mr. Clarkson. And then there 
 was a great scholar in the family: so father must be 
 kept from his former habits: the cobbler's shop must 
 never even be mentioned : with his forty pounds a-year, 
 and a nice business which the family could now give 
 him, it would enable him — nay he must live as he had 
 been reared — a gentleman. A descendant of a good 
 family, the father of a very good one, and the grand- 
 father of a prodigy ! Oh, what happy tidings these 
 would be for their friends, and how respected they 
 should all be !
 
 208 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 To make a proper impression, then, upon the old 
 gentleman's mind, was the first object; and this was the 
 way it was set about. 
 
 Mrs. Clarkson was to wear her husband's silver lever- 
 watch, one which he had bought out of his early savings, 
 when apprentice to his present trade — a builder : a dozen 
 of silver tea-spoons, and a pair of sugar-tongs, were lent 
 by his aunt; and, as the letter upon them was C, of 
 course they did not exhibit any signs of being a loan. 
 A set of china which some years before had cost ten 
 shillings, a present to Mrs. Clarkson from her mother-in- 
 law. Then there was both Mr. and Mrs. Clarkson's 
 portrait, done in oil, life size; and then there was a 
 grand coloured print, showing how a very small English 
 frigate had humbled, to the water's edge, a mighty 
 French man-of-war. It was through some very prompt 
 service in this affair, that got father promoted to 
 boatswain; that picture would be sure to please him. 
 Then there was Annis Kent's "sampler" framed, with 
 her age marked thereon: the usual strawberry basket; 
 doggies looking face to face, a sampler house, alphabet 
 — to teach shirt-marking: — some singular ornamental- 
 work for border, and so this piece of intrinsic merit 
 played its part. Then there was a new set of mahogany 
 chairs — six of them: a little sofa of equally highly po- 
 lished timber: but the grandest effort was a real side- 
 board: a small one, it is true, but genuine, no chiffon- 
 nier, or a top with only a skeleton frame under it: no, 
 it was, in truth, a side-board. Then there was a real 
 Brussels carpet — quite as good as new, when bought, 
 and so, of course, was so, or better now. Then there 
 were two models of ships, made by father, placed in two 
 glass-boxes, so were two clusters of rural birds, as we 
 see them in country salons. But the great instrument of 
 reconciliation, surprise, and delight, was the grand-son,
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 209 
 
 Mnster Robert Clarkson — a beautiful youth, and cer- 
 tainly most carefully apparelled — and nearly four months' 
 old : this, itself, when put into grand-papa's arms would 
 be sure to be enough. Still there was nothing like cer- 
 tainty: that certainty was in the person of William 
 Kent — his exercise-books, his printed essays, and his 
 prizes: letters from Principals, &c. &c. 
 
 The whole was a proud occasion: Mrs. Clarkson felt 
 herself to be the happy mother of Robert, who was so 
 like grand-papa — there is style for you — grand-papa and 
 grand-mainma. 
 
 Mrs. Clarkson was often puzzled as to which made 
 her the greatest woman, and the happiest, that of being 
 the undoubted mother of Robert, or being the young 
 aunt of the renowned and silver-voiced William Kent. 
 Her husband might have been jealous at seeing her so 
 equally divided in her affection; but, then, it happened, 
 he was as proud of the nephewship as his wife: indeed, 
 he thought it a great honour, all at once, to find himself 
 the uncle and friend of so much sweetness and positive 
 excellence. 
 
 William's anxiety to see his old preceptor, friend, and 
 grand-father, was most painfully evinced: every chaise, 
 knock, or disturbance, as he sat with his uncle and aunt 
 in waiting for the stranger, fluttered his breast. Eight 
 o'clock w^as the hour when father was to come. No 
 grand-father at half-past. William would go to one end 
 of the street. Mr. Clarkson would go to the other. 
 Both return, and though neither had seen the object of 
 his solicitude, William had met the poor professor, who 
 had, that day, been out for the first time. He was 
 walking with a stick, and seemed very weak. William 
 slightly reproved him for his temerity, but could not 
 get quit of the white-faced patient without telling him 
 (after first obtaining a promise that, upon no account, 
 
 p
 
 210 THE LORD OF THE MAKOE. 
 
 would he say anything to grand-mother Kent) all the 
 business of the evening. Then, not only was grand- 
 father expected every minute, but the surprise that the 
 Clarksons were about to put upon him. Jacky quite 
 approved of all that had been done, and was resolved, 
 wretchedly feeble as he was, to give some assistance, 
 in return for his daily gruel, doctor, and bed, which had 
 been given to him by the family. 
 
 Ten o'clock came and no father: the tea-things could 
 not, with any decency, be kept upon the table any 
 longer: the china, tea-spoons, sugar-tongs, and new Bir- 
 mingham tea-tray, had to be taken away. Still they 
 could be put upon the side-board; for even after supper, 
 the guest might be induced to take a cup of coffee. 
 
 A double rap! all rush to the door, William Kent 
 seizes one hand, and Mrs. Clarkson the other — the old 
 gentleman is walked in — " Oh, grand-father," said 
 Willy. 
 
 " What?" demanded the stranger. 
 
 No, it was not the grand-father, that is to Willy, 
 though he stood in that honoured position to the young 
 gentleman who had for some time been placed in the 
 cradle. It was grand-father Clarkson, and not Kent. 
 A good man, it was believed, and at another time would 
 have been as welcome as May grass to milking cows, 
 but not so now: all was absorbed in far greater expecta- 
 tions. The senior Mr. Clarkson was placed with his 
 back to the window blind, and Jacky, as we have hinted, 
 intending to do his mite towards the impression^ and 
 seeing his shadoiv on the blind, concluded Mr. Kent had 
 arrived: no doubt thepar^y sitting against the window 
 — all striving to please him — Jacky will not only please, 
 but astonish him, ay, and the whole family also. 
 
 A very loud and congruous rap is now heard. 
 
 Again several rush to the door.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 211 
 
 A footman enters in full livery : " Does Mr. Clarkson, 
 the builder, live here?" demanded the richly dressed 
 servant. 
 
 '' Yes, sir; walk in, sir." 
 
 Jacky did, right into the parlour, and in the very 
 livery he wore when in the service of the great Dr. Ben- 
 zoni — though no one recognised either the wearer or 
 the livery. 
 
 " Could I speak with him?" demanded the imperious 
 footman. 
 
 " I am him," replied the astonished builder. 
 
 " Your shop's in Bell lane? Yoii have been putting 
 a new front plate-glass window and so forth, in Croudle 
 Street?" 
 
 " I have, sir." 
 
 " Well, the archy-teck has mentioned your great 
 talents and industry to the agent of the Duke of S\^ther- 
 land, and he's wishful to see you with his archy-teck to- 
 morrow, to put a new wing to his house: be there at 
 ten, precisely," and the imperative stranger withdrew. 
 
 All were bewildered: the valet was politely shown 
 out, that is, as much so as their surprise would permit: 
 Mrs. Clarkson embraced her husband. 
 
 " Oh, if father had only heard that! why, why doesn't 
 he come : such happiness I should have had for mother 
 and all the family. Now, don't cry, Willy, he's sure to 
 come : what a pity it is, John, you did not ask him where 
 he is staying — then we could have sent up to know the 
 reason: bless me, what is that noise on the steps?" 
 
 Again all went to the door: surely this would be he: 
 no, but something lay all the length; a candle was 
 brought, and the being who lay there, was soon found 
 to be the gay footman: he had fainted, or had had a fit: 
 he was brought into the house; his hat was off; his 
 stock must be loosened.
 
 212 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Heavens! why, it is «Tacky." 
 
 And it was the poor professor, who had managed to 
 dress himself unknown to Mrs. Kent; crawl up to Mr. 
 Clarkson's, and there he thought he would do something 
 towards the " Impression," and make some slight return 
 for the humanity of the Kents : stoutly he worked through 
 his story, got to the door, and there fainted. Here was 
 dismay, then, instead of the arrival. Jacky's motive was 
 soon understood by the family, for indeed it was few 
 things he could do amiss : and though his lodgings for 
 the night had to be taken up at Mr. Clarkson's, and that 
 too when they expected another guest, still the professor 
 did not want a welcome or a good bed. 
 
 One o'clock came, but no father. 
 
 And the good family, had they known what the box- 
 keeper at Astley's had known, might have been spared 
 all this anxiety. For in truth, the gentleman whom 
 they were so wishful to see, was, with his w^ard — or 
 rather watcher — taking as much delight in seeing an 
 elephant dance upon a tight-rope, as the Clarksons 
 would in showing him their great advancement in life, 
 their tea-spoons, chairs, side-board, and new baby.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 213 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Although possession of Beechwood Hall had not been 
 exactly made by the new baronet, yet, dunng his rambles 
 up and down London, and other vicinities contiguous, 
 he, that is Miss Clough, wrote down to the new steward 
 — her brother — the dissipated fellow — to be making 
 suitable preparation for the incoming of the new lord 
 and lady of the manor. In the first place, then, though 
 the new steward did not attempt to displace the oiic he 
 found there, still he tried his hand in a small way ; such 
 as getting a few scores of notice-boards put up and down 
 the estate, giving the unfamiliar information that per- 
 sons found trespassing there, would undoubtedly be 
 placed under the law's protection: and that all dogs 
 would be shot without delay: nay, that there were those 
 singular machines, spring-guns, set in the woods, and fierce 
 steel-teethed and iron-jawed traps planted in the gar- 
 dens, lawns, and rookeries. Then, the next effort in his 
 new vocation was, to see the farm-houses, shippons, &c.; 
 not for the purpose of examining their condition, with a 
 view to repairs, rebuilds, or enlargement, but to see 
 what sort of buxom daughters were in the former, or 
 what sort of selections the tenantry had made in those 
 useful domestics, cows and Cheshire dairy-maids, to place 
 in the latter. 
 
 . On the whole, the survey was satisfactory ; and as we 
 may have occasionally to do considerable business with
 
 214 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 the aspiring steward of Beechwood, perhaps a word or 
 two more than what has been already given, as to his 
 personal appearance, habits, and attainments, may be 
 useful. 
 
 He was about thirty years of age, big, lubberly, fairly 
 educated for a clerk — roisterous, good-tempered when 
 pleased, very much the reverse when not, and slightly 
 tyrannical, and perhaps would have been a precious lot 
 more so, but for one or two reasons. First, as to his 
 being well when pleased; the way to do it, at all times, 
 was this, to bring out a gin bottle — if that was the sort 
 of bottle you kept in your cupboard; if not, a whisky 
 bottle ; if not, rum, brandy — but no ale, porter, or 
 wine, unless the last was in quantities, and then his 
 temper would be better, benefited, improved, and 
 sweetened. 
 
 And the bottle could not be too large, or the alcohol 
 too potent in degree, even should water be inaccessible. 
 The only drawback was this; that if allowed to go too 
 far, and he most assuredly would, unless you wisely ad- 
 journed to a public-house, even if a cart should be the 
 instrument of locomotion — he would get from clamour 
 to rumpling the maids, from them to their precedents, 
 and so on to the stranger — if a lady — within your gates. 
 Should you oppose, you must do so at the expense of a 
 bloody nose, or that unpopular exhibition — in rural lands 
 — a blackened pair of eyes — that is all around them, 
 though the eyes themselves might still look blue 
 enough. 
 
 It would have been awkward in a new neighbour — 
 these little eccentricities, but in the new steward — and 
 nephew of the new baronet — it was different — in short — 
 in short — delightful. 
 
 Well, we think our subscription to his portrait enough, 
 the reader may give what he likes, or the tenantry of
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 215 
 
 Beech wood may have it engraved if they think proper; 
 but we can afford no more. 
 
 The new steward had been training these young 
 functions for three weeks, when it was announced to 
 him that the baronet and lady of the manor were to be 
 down in three days, and then further directions might 
 be expected as to bell-ringing, dinners to the tenants, 
 donations to the poor, and the usual tokens of a new 
 landlord to a new estate — and that too without j)urchase. 
 
 As we have heard a good deal, and must still hear 
 more, of Beechwood Manor, perhaps a slight description 
 of it, and its grounds, may be as necessary as that of the 
 new steward: at all risks, we think we are bound to 
 say something about it and them, else Mr. James 
 Clough may not think his appointment as agent to them 
 any great catch: here, then, is what we shall say for the 
 present. ^ 
 
 The manor-house of Beechwood- Yernon, or as it was 
 more generally called, Beechwood-court, was a spacious, 
 but by no means uniform building; some portions of it 
 presenting the embattled towers and massive arches of 
 the feudal times; whilst the more modern part and bulk 
 of the mansion, exhibited the elegant gables, lofty chim- 
 neys, large bay-windows, and sculptured porch, which 
 characterize the high domestic architecture of the Tudor 
 period. 
 
 The useless moat and sullen draw-bridge, had given 
 place to the noble terrace, with its broad, open steps; 
 these were terminated by rigid heraldic sculptures; 
 which, havino; endured three hundred chano-es of the 
 
 ^ O c5 
 
 fragile flowers around them, now bore the punning 
 motto of the Vernons, with a semblance of stern pro- 
 priety. 
 
 (Spring not always flourishes — 
 
 Ver non semper viret. -{^r i n - \ 
 
 ^ (Vernon always nourishes.
 
 216 THE LORD OF THE MANOK. 
 
 The main entrance to the hall was large, open, and 
 commanding: whilst in the shady recesses of its many- 
 angled outline, and its deep back-ground of lofty beeches, 
 there was an air of serene repose and meditative still- 
 ness, which admirably served to calm down the jutting 
 boldness of the lofty centre, to a tone of more household 
 character. 
 
 So much for the house: of the grounds we may ob- 
 serve that, though allowed to run into much slovenli- 
 ness, the trees and shrubberies enjoying a full participa- 
 tion in the late proprietor's neglect, yet, where nature 
 and time had done so much — and great former care — it 
 was impossible to view them without feeling that im- 
 pressiveness and delight which the adorned home-scenery 
 of English aristocratic residences is sure to convey. 
 
 The clumps of oaks were ponderous; the chestnut 
 walk magnificent, showing strength and depth of soil; 
 the bush-tree avenues were still more extraordinary; 
 whilst the faultless sheet of water, at the bottom of the 
 broad mound, on Avhich stood the solemn and dignified 
 residence of the Vernons, was unequalled either in 
 character, or for the many lovely trees, islands, obelisks, 
 and other sculptured ornaments which surrounded and 
 studded it — the water-fowl which bathed in it, or the 
 two bridges which broke its line, and rendered it passable 
 to the main entrance. 
 
 The deer were numerous and of the great red kind; 
 the undulation of the parks made them highly suitable 
 for the pasturage of sheep — great varieties of the best 
 sort always being kept tliere. Then the grazing and 
 meadow lands were of rare order ; indeed, the valley 
 which bounded the whole was, doubtless, an alluvial 
 remain : the brook which wandered through it — and, 
 widening into a large tributary of the Mersey — was 
 affected by the tides within a few miles of the mansion.
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 217 
 
 The view from the front of the building was unsur- 
 passable — at least to those who can enjoy English, 
 fruitful, cultivated expanses, as juxta-posed to others 
 who can see no beauty or scenery except in large rocks, 
 glaciers, snow-topped mountains, or ugly passes ; on 
 the contrary, here were rich cheesing-lands — the vale- 
 royal of Cheshire — bounded on one side by the Dee, on 
 the other by the Mersey ; broken in undulating softness 
 by the Helsby hills, and more determinedly, if not 
 frowningly so, by Beeston rock and well-defined castle. 
 Then, the amphitheatrical range of the Welsh mountains 
 surrounds all. Peace, with her olive-branch, and 
 Love, with his slender maiden, might seem to glide 
 up the jessamine walk, scented by its own flowers, and 
 thatched by countless evergreens, and so closely, too, 
 that the overlooking rookery, though always heard, 
 cannot be seen. Retirement miMit have takeik his 
 abode in a thousand nooks in these densely-crowded 
 and richly-scented groves. Now is the world shut out, 
 and all becomes peopled by contemplation, fancy, and 
 those well-known fairies who make us ramble over the 
 past, and plan love, happiness, greatness, and the count- 
 less wonders which are ever to come. 
 
 The gardens were most extensive, though with little 
 horticultural pretensions — being rather noted for their 
 old-fashioned kitchen-stuffs than those which epergnes 
 and dessert-dishes were invented to adorn. They were 
 not wanting, however, in either green or hot houses, or 
 some well-chosen exotics. The farm-yard was the glory 
 of the place, for the late Sir Joseph was an enthusiastic 
 agriculturist; so that whilst both house and out-buildings 
 wore the semblance of age, and the ornamental grounds 
 and shrubberies were allowed to run a little wild, here 
 was every modern improvement ; from the dove-house 
 to the stables, everything was conducted fitting the
 
 218 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 science of the age. All the cattle were of the best 
 breeds : nor was this seminary closed to his tenantry ; 
 nay, on the contrary, not only v/as it opened for their 
 immediate good, but for any other whose farming notions 
 were not too antiquated to receive instruction and benefit 
 from its acknowledo;ed advantao-es. 
 
 Such was the new inheritance, externally ; and though 
 it is not our business to dwell longer upon it, still we 
 may remark that the drawing-room, hall, library, and 
 dining-room, were magnificent specimens of the age in 
 which they were decorated. The ornaments were pro- 
 fuse, being partly of the time of Francis the First, and 
 arabesque: the chimney-pieces, alone, were worthy of 
 the most minute examination and study. And such 
 had been the care and orderliness of this family, for 
 many generations, that most of the furniture — which 
 was of the date of the erection — was almost as perfect 
 as when placed there. Many portions of it, as well as 
 the library, were heir-looms; the plate, also: and it was 
 even arranged that the effects of the late Sir Joseph 
 should be taken by the new inheritor ; so that when our 
 family came to the possession, little, if any, change could 
 be perceived; indeed. Miss Clough was pleased to say to 
 the housekeeper, " that she was in all things satisjied.^^ 
 
 The great day of arrival came ; half-way between the 
 hall and Chester was the meeting point. The tenantry, 
 with their retinues, were there to a man — or woman — as 
 might be ; and punctuality being the order with the new 
 baronet, his travelling chaise met them to the minute. 
 It was a quiet dell wherein the scene took place ; and 
 never — since the well-recorded one, of two packs of 
 hounds coming into collision on the same spot, and dis- 
 puting thereon with tooth and nail, the horsemen with 
 dog-whips, and the beaters with clubs, the right of fox 
 — was there heard such a clamour.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 219 
 
 The chaise-top was opened, and the new baronet tried 
 to address them, but in vain ; the continual shaking of 
 hands and shouting, so overcame him, that all he could 
 say was, " You shall finish my cellars first, and then I 
 will see what sort of stuff you keep in yours." 
 
 We say this is all he could say, and so it was; not 
 but there is little doubt he would have tried again, had 
 not Miss Clough suddenly twitched his coat, and that 
 was enough; "Well! do it yourself, then: what the 
 devil is the use of talking any dry stuff to them," finished 
 the baronet, slightly petted. 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen," commenced the lady, " you 
 perceive that your new neighbour is so overpowered with 
 these tokens of your kindness and love, that he has left 
 it to me — still less capable of returning those thanks, 
 which you not only deserve for your present goodness, 
 but for the very admirable way in which — report s^ys — 
 your respective farms have been conducted, improved, 
 and therefore rendered more valuable to the new pos- 
 sessor. Do not think, from this, that any advantage 
 will be taken. What ! take advantage of a man's own 
 skill, capital, and industry ? No ! your takings will be 
 as they were — ^leases being given, if required, thus to 
 secure your interests and happiness to a large period, 
 and not to suffer a sacrifice through a fresh valuation. 
 This is the intent, object, and wish, of your new land- 
 lord." 
 
 The most deafening cheers followed the speech, for if 
 Miss Clough had tried for a year, she could not have 
 used eloquence so satisfactory to the tenantry of Beech- 
 wood-court. 
 
 It was nearly spoiled, though, through an ebullition 
 on the part of the baronet, who, in a fit of enthusiasm, 
 cried, (fortunately before the cheering had subsided,) 
 " what she has said, I will do by G ." This was
 
 220 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 
 
 hearty enough, but still, what the men of Groveby 
 parish had not been accustomed to — the swearing 
 from a gentleman. Miss Clough had intended to say 
 more, but found that she could not leave oiF at a better 
 place. 
 
 The Avhole, then, adjourned to a neighbouring hotel, 
 where viands and beverage, on a grand scale, had been 
 ordered : the baronet and lady sitting down at the same 
 table, the head and bottom of which were honoured by 
 the oldest farmer and widow present ; and it may easily 
 be supposed how hearty, happy, and jovial, all became. 
 And the tenantry not wishing to be behind their new 
 lord and lady in promises and good wishes, appointed one 
 of their number — a gentleman who was not only a small 
 farmer under the manor, but the parish school-master — 
 to make the oration. The fjood man had been studvino; 
 his part for several days ; and, for the purpose of reading 
 it up, took down from his shelves every work that bore 
 upon the subject. It is perhaps needless to say that 
 Demosthenes, Cicero, Pliny, and others, were amongst 
 the number; and after sleepless-nights, and eatless-days, 
 he came to the conclusion, that no modern language was 
 sufficiently congruous or safe wherewith to entrust the 
 great task ; so the Latin was the one employed, as being 
 more suited to the antiquity and honour of the great 
 house of Vernon. In this language he addressed, (not 
 without a faltering tongue and averted eye,) the noble 
 pair who had just made their triumphal entry — first into 
 the dell we have named, and next to the tavern, in which 
 they regale, and listen to the faultless, though tremulous, 
 harangue of the school-master. 
 
 It did not draw forth the applause that the effort 
 of Miss ClvAigh did, but there could be no doubt of the 
 admiration; even the new baronet — when assured by 
 his niece that the oration ivas not in French — was going
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 221 
 
 to clap hands, same as he had done two nights before at 
 the Surrey theatre, but a sudden jerk from his monitor, 
 and then a whisper, telHng him he must only bow, and 
 say from the bottom of his heart he thanked them — 
 brought him to correction. This he did as well as any 
 stao:e-manao:er ever did, when entreatinor the audience 
 to pardon any little disappointment in the management, 
 and in return think of their wives, their sweethearts, and 
 babies. 
 
 Indeed, the baronet behaved most impressively; 
 ordered mulled-wine for the gentlemen, and tea, with 
 rivers of rum, for the ladies. 
 
 Then all prepare for the march to the manor; arrived 
 there in about three hours, when the promise of the 
 new landlord was partly verified ; that is, as far as 
 where he said they must punish his cellars, and then 
 he would rebuke theirs with similar determined qjias- 
 tisement. 
 
 Nor was the new steward wanting in either courtesy 
 or attention; he led the fire which was given in lusty 
 style by the domestics of the manor: afterwards he 
 opened with his own hands the carriage door : embraced 
 and kissed both lady and gentleman before they alighted : 
 took their arms when they did so — and finally wel- 
 comed them into the hall. 
 
 He then ascended the grand staircase, introduced 
 them to the drawing-room, next to the rector of Groveby, 
 his lady, with several of the neighbouring gentry — of 
 course, their ladies — the family doctor, attorney — and 
 several others whose attentions were well conducted to 
 the ancient family of the worthy house of Vernon. 
 
 Single and double barrelled fowling-pieces, pistols, 
 and crackers, were fired oflf in every house in the parish 
 and village of Groveby. The rejoicing was complete; 
 but what would it be when the great opening-dinner
 
 222 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 came off? No doubt it would be worthy of this be- 
 ginning. 
 
 In the meanwhile, the tenantry withdrew from the 
 hall, leaving only the gentry and the new comers : coffee 
 was ordered into the drawing-room, and Miss Clough 
 would have been glad if her uncle and the new steward 
 could have been coaxed out, for both had been a little 
 too exemplary during the day — we mean in not only 
 bidding the tenantry and others to drink, but in show- 
 ing them the way it should be done. 
 
 However, Mr. James Clough had a good deal of 
 bustling to do, and again a good deal of exampling to 
 set, that is in showing what an amount of veneration 
 was due to the new baronet: what admiration it was 
 the business of all to bestow on the new lady of the 
 manor. For though she could not be Lady Vernon, 
 yet the lady of Beechwood and Groveby parish she 
 both could and would be. And so, when the health of 
 the lord of the manor was drunk every day, after dinner, 
 why could not, or should not, that of the lady of the 
 manor also be given : and in order that no mistakes might 
 happen, the lord of the manor was, invariably, to drink 
 the lady of the manor, she was to return an extremely 
 polite move of the head, thank her uncle and the guests, 
 and then one of the latter could drink the proposer of 
 the first — the lord of the manor. 
 
 This was the etiquette at Beechwood : the new 
 steward first prefacing the whole by saying grace — 
 when none of the clergy was there; and a suitable 
 thanksgiving, when the meal was over, was to be made 
 by the lady of the manor. 
 
 Of course, there were to be morning prayers : a chap- 
 ter out of each of the testaments, in the morning; and 
 it is needless to say, something to match, in the evening. 
 These were the intentions of this new and prudent
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 223 
 
 family ; and, by and by, we shall see how the whole was 
 carried out: in the mean time, it is our business to attend 
 to the coffee table — just as we left it ere we gave this 
 information to the reader. 
 
 " A heavenly estate you will find you have got here. 
 Sir Robert," commenced the rector, as all were seated. 
 
 " That's why, I suppose. Cousin Joseph was resolved 
 to see heaven itself: as a man brought up in St. Giles's 
 is never easy until he has seen Saffron hill." 
 
 " No doubt. Sir Joseph is in heaven," said Rector 
 Yielding — for that was the name of the rector of 
 Groveby. 
 
 " Well, that's where Barbarer, there, always wished 
 him." 
 
 " I hope that all good men will go there," remarked 
 Miss Clough, looking at her uncle : the look was enough 
 for the time. 
 
 " We hope so," said all the company. 
 
 The rector, probably to change the subject, said, " I 
 suppose. Sir Robert, we shall soon see some improve- 
 ments here — a few changes?" 
 
 " As to changes, my dear Rector, before we talk of 
 any more, just, should you see 'em in the morning, tell 
 them ringers of yourn to call up here to be paid for 
 those they have rung, on my account, already: they 
 must have given the old steeple a sneezer." 
 
 ** Oh," said Mr. Fribble, the attorney, " they will be 
 with you. Baronet, before morning: catch bell-ringers 
 missino^ their beer and fees at Beechwood." 
 
 " Or an attorney his," replied the baronet ; " or a 
 day's shooting when offered, either in this or in any 
 other wood" 
 
 There was a roar of laughter. The new baronet was 
 already discovered to be a great wit. 
 
 "Ha, ha, ha!" said the rector, "that was certainly
 
 224 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 one into you, Fribble ; well. But, Baronet, we find 
 you can ring the changes quite as well as the eight men 
 who are hauling away yonder at the Groveby bell- 
 ropes: so now to the improvements." 
 
 This was a grave matter, and the proprietor of the 
 manor was resolved to show his auditory that he could 
 vary his style with his subject. 
 
 " As to improvements. Rector, Joe was what is called 
 a scientific farmer: well now, let us see what he has 
 done: I've not seen his pigs, though I've heard a good 
 deal about 'em, and, of course, in the morning I shall see 
 'em. I was not here long when I and Barbarer, there, 
 made him a visit; but I seen enough. I shall be able 
 to make presents for the under-stufF of pigeon-pies, I 
 expect, if all the birds about the house are such as I 
 seen. I'll swear that I never seen the remotest approach 
 to either a pouter — not but even then I don't think so 
 much about them as Almond tumblers, spots, barbs, or 
 mawmets. He certainly had a few carriers, but they 
 was both barrel-headed and peg-wattled, ha, ha, ha! I 
 had a pair of pouters as I refused twenty guineas for, 
 and there a certain person, one day when I was away at 
 Greenwich, let one of them gorge, and though I soon 
 got him into a tight stocking, he shortly afterwards 
 rouped, and next morning there he was in the coup 
 without a kick in him." The baronet finished this with 
 a heavy sigh; but, at last, cheered up by saying, that 
 he would introduce such breeds of birds as were not to 
 be found out of Westminster; and concluded the whole 
 (he had got another look from the lady of the tea-urn) 
 by saying, that if the pigeons of any of the present com- 
 pany should ever be afflicted by any disease, either 
 through an infestation of insects, touch of the roup, 
 canker, or even the megrims themselves, send them to 
 the court, and they should be returned in perfect health
 
 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 225 
 
 and happiness. But on no account to send anything 
 deficient in hreed^ unless they wished to come and lunch 
 with him on their own property » 
 
 Every one was delighted at the offer: and would care- 
 fully send his or her servants for his or her share of the 
 pigeon slaughter which was to take place next day — and 
 any sickly ones he or she might have, to be cured. 
 
 The baronet had got a look about pigeons, and well 
 knew that all conversation thereon, was, thereby, to rest : 
 but did not conceive that the prohibition extended to 
 rabbits, guinea-pigs, white-mice, or silk-worms. 
 
 " Now as to rabbits," again commenced the erudite 
 Sir Robert, " see the trash you will see with the 
 fanciers: — oh, if any of you should wish to catch a pigeon 
 or two, I will show you the best trap ever invented — 
 takes the bird without doing any damage (another look) 
 — and as I was a-saying, see the rubbish you wil^ see 
 even in Manchester or Liverpool, or, indeed, in any 
 place out of town: Td a horn-lop measured seventeen 
 inches from tip to tip of his ears — oh, you may look, 
 Barbarer; I mean, of course, across of his head — with 
 the largest dew-lap — I say it was," continued the baronet, 
 looking at the lady — " I say it was larger than Dowski's, 
 although Beecher denied it the other night: and what 
 was more, she was fawn — in my opinion, not a bad 
 colour; at least I would sooner have it nor mouse, as 
 much as is said to the contrary: but, I say, mine was 
 more perfecter lopped ; was tortoise-shelled: — and, damn 
 it, look at the colour his was." 
 
 " Ay," said the doctor, speaking for the first time, 
 " I know a great deal depends upon your last remark." 
 
 " Of course," said Sir Eobert, glad to find that there 
 was some one to protect him from the frowns of his 
 niece. '^ I've known an out-an-out real-lop come down 
 to the ground, but then there was white spots mixed 
 
 Q
 
 226 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 with the black upon its back : nay, I'll be — I will, if I 
 would not rather have an oar-lop, even without a dew- 
 lap, than a bad markt un." 
 
 " Well, well, uncle, and so would I," said the hostess, 
 " no one can doubt your knowledge in the cultivation of 
 live stock: but, recollect, there are ladies present." 
 
 " Oh," said Mrs. Rector Yielding, " I think a more 
 interesting chat could not possibly be; improvement is 
 now the order of the day, and I am sure such 
 conversations are more likely to lead to such result than 
 the maudlin stuff which too much characterizes the 
 drawing-room of the present time." 
 
 " Oh, not a doubt of it," said the attorney. 
 
 '^ Doubt it !" exclaimed the doctor, " I hope to see 
 the hour when even external and internal anatomy, 
 and the muscles, can be talked about as familiarly as — 
 as—" 
 
 " Cockles at Bagilt," jutted in the baronet. 
 
 Oh, this produced a great roar : the lady of the manor 
 and the new steward joining most heartily. 
 
 " Oh, Sir Robert, you are a great wag, I am sure," 
 said Mrs. Rector Yielding. 
 
 " Oh, terrible," added her lord. 
 
 " Ho, ho, ho !" 
 
 "Ha, ha, ha!" 
 
 And the baronet looked at his niece, as much as to 
 say, " you see others can take interest in what I say, if 
 you cannot." 
 
 The lady, in despite of all this, was resolved to 
 change the conversation, and being too well-bred to 
 speak of anything in which any one present was 
 professionally engaged, said, that she conceived the 
 youth of Groveby would not want education; that is, if 
 she might judge from the speech made that day by their 
 school-master.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MAlsOR. 227 
 
 " Oh, ay," said the rector, " how did he manage? I 
 heard that, for the last week, though he had decided 
 what to say, yet the language in which it was to be 
 uttered, sorely puzzled him." 
 
 " Oh," said the host, " I liked both the words and the 
 pronunciation: now, Jim," addressing his new stew- 
 ard, " if you wish to rub up your Greek, now's your 
 time." 
 
 " In Greek, it was done, was it ? " cried out the 
 rector, " well done, JMorton, well done ; I heard that he 
 had decided upon Latin; but, I suppose, he thought 
 that language not quite dignified enough, and so changed 
 his mind." 
 
 There was a new ivonder: the new baronet could 
 change from the most trifling things, such as fancy 
 pigeons, rabbits, and the rest, to criticisms upon orations 
 in the Greek language. 
 
 " What sort of fish. Rector, have I got in yon mere 
 as I crossed, coming here?" 
 
 "Oh! prime, truly. Sir Robert; perch, Jack trout, 
 particularly in the stream that supplies it, and down 
 the brook — nay, salmon lower down: then as for carp, 
 tench, roach, or chub — oh, any amount." 
 
 "Ay; I hear that the rascals are not for permitting 
 any more fishing either in Paddington canal or Camber- 
 well: I suppose they'll be stoppin the Croydon next. 
 Better for the Westminster chaps. An old friend of 
 mine tried it on, and they seized, (a look from the 
 vicinity of the tea-urn) and they seized — oh, he was the 
 man for tackle — such a perfect set-out he had: trolling 
 hooks, running tackle, gentle boxes, plummets, gorge, 
 snap, baiting needles, trolling rods, gimp, winches, split 
 shot, hooks, gut, a kettle for carrying fish — and they 
 seized all (another look) his worms." 
 
 Another roar; for to an individual, this was supposed
 
 228 THE LOED OF THE MANOK. 
 
 to be a pre-studied anticlimax on the part of the facetious 
 baronet. When Miss Clough saw how the thing had 
 turned, she laughed more exhilaratishly than all the 
 rest. " Oh, what a man you are, uncle: that's as bad 
 as the salmon and the wedding-ring story." 
 
 " Why, certainly, if anything would make fresh 
 salmon bad, a wedding-ring is the most likeliest, as it is 
 not the first good thing it has played choppy with." 
 
 Another stroke of astonishment at the new host's 
 racy style: the rector was in deep admiration — but not 
 so much so, but that he was resolved to know all about 
 the Greek oration. 
 
 " Well,'' commenced his reverence, " I suppose 
 to-morrow you will be visited by most of your neigh- 
 bours. Sir Thomas Handly, Sir Richard Priory, Lord 
 Paget, and — though a good way off — perhaps Lord 
 Delamane may come — "" 
 
 " Lord who? I hope not," exclaimed the baronet, 
 waxing wroth and colouring at the name : " If he does, 
 Pil order him to be thrown into the mere: a damned 
 tyrannical rascal: a fellow that would pull a gentleman 
 up, just for catching a hare, and taking a few jack out 
 of one of his ponds : a scurvy — I wish he would appoint 
 me his hair-dresser for a month — " 
 
 The lady of the manor gave a withering look. 
 
 " — That's — all," finished the baronet. 
 
 " But, surely," replied the rector, " this could not 
 have been to a gentleman, surely." 
 
 "A gentleman!" shouted the host, ^^ am not I a 
 gentleman?" 
 
 " Undoubtedly," replied the whole company. 
 
 " Ay, you may look, Barbarer : but if / be a gentle- 
 man, he was not far off — " 
 
 " Only, perhaps, the distance of an estate," said the 
 rector, slily.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 229 
 
 , " Just SO ; but it''s not every gentleman can have an 
 estate." 
 
 "Bravo, bravo, bravo, Baronet," cried the doctor. 
 " I quite agree, a man may have the education of a 
 gentleman — ^feelings of one — " 
 
 " Propensities of one," jutted in the baronet. 
 
 " Propensities of one,"*' proceeded the other, " and yet 
 not have an estate: therefore it's rather too hard he 
 can't shoot a paltry hare." 
 
 " That's what I say," cried out the host, in triumph, " so 
 down with the game-laws at once : I heard a lecturer, as 
 used to sit in the same bar as I did, say it was absurd to 
 pretend to have an investment in things wild — that have 
 no place of abode : if I have a lot of pigeons I not only 
 know them, but everybody else knows they arn't his; 
 so, if he traps one, I not only miss it at night but he 
 finds that he has one too many; but it would be^a pre- 
 cious nice game, to say, ' there goes one of my sparrows ! 
 you must not catch one of 'em, or else I'll haul you up; 
 give you — that is, you must give me five pounds or Pll 
 present you with three months; and if you attempt to 
 take one in the night-time, I'll transport you;' so I say, 
 down with the game-laws at once." 
 
 " But," said the rector, in alarm, " you don't mean to 
 say that you would allow Jack, Tom, or Harry, to come 
 into such preserves as these of Beechwood, and destroy 
 what he liked?" 
 
 " Do you mean, Rector, when you say ' Jack, Tom, 
 or Harry' — three gentlemen?" demanded the baronet — 
 " oh, don't look at me^ Barbarer — " 
 
 " No : — poachers, of course." 
 
 " Ha, then; then you should call them John, Thomas, 
 and Henry: Jack, Tom, and Harry are haristocratical 
 happelations — of course puggilists, who are almost as 
 great blackguards, ape 'em; but the names of poachers,
 
 230 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 as well as those of the people, cannot be too legal, or too 
 long: must be carefully spelt (I know they was always 
 damned careful with mine)." 
 
 " Ahem!" coughed the rector. 
 
 " Glorious, glorious," cried the doctor, and one or two 
 more: not the attorney, though. 
 
 " Well, but to your question. Rector, as to whether I 
 would allow these short-named gentlemen to come into 
 my preserves: you see if they was rich I could not well 
 heljD them: if they are poor — let them help themselves!" 
 
 " Oh, uncle," cried out Miss Clough, " I am surprised 
 to hear you talk such stuff. I am sure our good friends 
 here will not let it go forth to the neighbours, that any 
 such policy, as regards the game, will be adopted at 
 Beechwood, by the new comer. A nice thing, truly, if 
 we had not a head of game to give — we will say to such 
 friends as those who have, this night, done us the honour 
 to greet us ! ^ Let them help themselves,' truly !" 
 
 " And why not have a head of game. Miss Clever, 
 even if they do help themselves? it would be most 
 strange if those, who don't live under the fear of the 
 laws of trespass, could not get as much game as those 
 who do. The trespass-laws are quite enough to protect 
 all sorts of game round a house like this — except the 
 women, no laws can stop them — and so the tenants 
 would be the only men who could take game without 
 trespass: and let them take 'em, I say: or let them sup- 
 port them if they like, either for their amusement or gain. 
 If I keep guinea-pigs and pigeons for my pastime, let 
 them keep 'em for theirs. As far as investment can go, 
 they are their property — viz. by a feedin' of 'em : there- 
 fore do as they like." 
 
 " And so we are not to have a single pheasant, or hare, 
 to give away?" coolly asked Miss Clough. 
 
 " Give away your own, Barbarer; same as you would
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 231 
 
 a goose, a turkey, or a quarter of lamb. But, you see, 
 the reason why owners of manors, like me, is so prodigal 
 in giving his game and compliments, is because the first 
 doesn't belong to him; the last without it, would mean 
 nothin, as every body knows. But geese, capons, half of 
 sheep, and rounds of beef, are given without compliments. 
 And then we are not to have a ' head of game,' because 
 I have said, let those who feeds it, use it; why, this is 
 very strange; here is, to this house, about two thousand 
 acre of parks, waters, and ornamental grounds ; and it is 
 very queer, since we can feed so many deer, hedish beef, 
 sheep, fowls, pigs, and lazy drones of servants, that we 
 cannot do the same to hares, rabbits, partridges, or phea- 
 sants. And if we are too proud to have arable lands about 
 the hall, no standin corn to pillage, or stubble to run in, 
 why let them be fed as are the other live stock about 
 the premises, and then they are our own. And if we 
 choose we can give a ' head of game,' and I think' the 
 compliment will be no less, simply because we have not 
 prigged it. But, here, Jim, let's have some grog upon this : 
 order up the decanters, it's dry work, particularly as I see 
 I've given offence to the lady of the manor : that's right, 
 butler. Ladies, you may retire! The gentlemen and 
 me is a-goin to have a house warmin — I mean those 
 who, having listened to my lecture, is not afeared of one 
 under the curtains, before they go to sleep ; which if I 
 am, damn me."
 
 232 THE LORD or THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTEK IV. 
 
 From a few remarks in the last chapter, the rectoress 
 had twigged a thing or two, but then Miss Clough had 
 twigged the rectoress; and knowing the advantage of 
 standing well with the clergy, she, before the rectoress 
 had half digested her surmises next morning, waited 
 upon that prying daughter of — an equally inquisitive 
 mother. 
 
 After the usual happinesses felt upon these occasions, 
 the lady of the manor commenced with some intense 
 apologies for the preceding evening's conduct of the 
 new lord of the manor: telling all about his sea-rearing, 
 eccentricities, and the rest. A man of excellent heart, 
 though; and, as to understanding, there would be found 
 (i^ not in his head) plenty, so it was hoped, in the pos- 
 session of tJiose around him. 
 
 The rectoress commenced, " Ha, that is, ha — was 
 the new baronet ever mar — but I know how rude it is 
 to ask questions." 
 
 ^' Oh," said Miss Clough, with her usual coolness of 
 style, " it is certainly very awkward, that etiquette will 
 not permit a direct question." 
 
 This bothered the lady of the rectory. 
 
 "As you say. Miss Clough; we might as well live out 
 of the world as not in the arrangement in which that 
 very determined word exists. Well, if we may not ask
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 233 
 
 (directly) how a person is in health, I suppose we may 
 hope he is well^ and, in obedience to that, permit me to 
 express a wish that your uncle is so — oh, what a right 
 merry gentleman — and brother also — a fine young man.'^ 
 
 " Why, that should have formed a part of my apology," 
 and then Miss Clough related all about the meeting 
 of the tenantry : mulled-wine, and so accounted for the 
 madness of the baronet's speech, as to the game; rude- 
 ness in asking the ladies to retire, and what not. That 
 it was always his way when he had been regaling; but 
 to suppose, for a second, that she would allow a lot of 
 town-tradesmen to come to Beechwood for the purpose 
 of shooting game, or even fishing, was preposterous. 
 " No," concluded the lady of the manor, " take my word 
 for it, I will see that there is nothing at Beechwood 
 differing, in the slightest degree, from the usages of the 
 best families in this most aristocratical of counties." 
 
 " Oh, Miss Clough, you do not know how very happy 
 all you have said has made me: for, to tell you the 
 truth, the rector has been greatly grieved to think there 
 should be so bad an example set in the neighbourhood. 
 What! not twenty miles off the great manufacturing 
 districts, and to allow every dram-seller, pawn-broker, 
 or small tradesman, to come with his shooting cart: leave 
 their wives and vulsrar families at some tavern in the 
 town, whilst they desolate the parish : a nice report this 
 would be to get to the ears of the higher families in this 
 proud country!" 
 
 " I am too happy, I am sure. Madam, to find that, 
 should uncle persist — I only mean in talking, for there 
 is no fear in anything else — that I shall have so power- 
 ful a supporter as yourself. I hope the good rector will 
 lend us his assistance; and, I am sure, I need not say 
 that a promise of a day's shooting from him will be as 
 binding at Beechwood as one from its baronet."
 
 234 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 ^' I am sure/* said the rectoress, making a courtesy, 
 " the family will be equally obliged to you; for, indepen- 
 dently of my sons, two of whom are in business in 
 Manchester, I have a number of Mends will be too 
 happy to pay their respects to the lady of the manor for 
 so much kindness." 
 
 " Oh, Madam, I shall be too proud: and I have no 
 doubt but that good neighbourly relationship will exist 
 between the families : my uncle's taste, habits, and pur- 
 suits, do not lie in the way of business at all: a few 
 amusing hobbies, and he will be satisjied." 
 
 " I thought so," said the rectoress, slily : "we must see 
 that they, at all times, be well supplied to him." 
 
 " / will attend to that, if only a few good friends will 
 occasionally call to see them — commend them, and them 
 only talk about; and, in short, I am sure we may do 
 things that will be mutually agreeable and useful." 
 
 " You must stay and lunch with me, my dear." 
 
 " (Come," thought the new diplomatist, at one time 
 I little thought I should ever be called ^ my dear,' by a 
 rectoress); why, the truth is. Madam, that I promised 
 Sir Robert I would be speedily back, as we intend to 
 drive and walk over most of the grounds to-day: you 
 may suppose we are anxious to see as much as we can 
 of the estate, as neither of us has ever been a quarter of 
 a mile over it before : and so well wooded a one as I am 
 told it is — but, you see, in despite of this. Madam, I could 
 not prevail upon myself to accompany Sir Robert, until 
 I had first paid my duty to yourself and the good rector." 
 
 " Oh but, my dear, dear Miss Clough, do let me beg 
 of you to take some little thing or other; a jelly or 
 80 — ^ well-wooded' ? you might fell forty thousand 
 pound, and scarcely be perceived." 
 
 " Well, now that you have named a jelly, I do think 
 I shall trouble your kindness — "
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOK. 235 
 
 " Say not another word," said the lady, ringing the 
 bell; " a glass of madeira — nay, be not afraid, I will 
 join — and the rector being a magistrate too, see how 
 well we can manage the game and other parish affairs — 
 you must have a glass — " 
 
 " Oh, who can refuse so much goodness !" 
 
 " I am sorry my family are from home — they are at our 
 marine villa; but, my dear, so soon as you can adjust 
 things at the court, I will carry you thither: they will 
 be so happy to know the talented lady of Beechwood, 
 and how advantageous for all parties ! You see, my dear, 
 the late Sir Joseph , though a good enough crea- 
 ture in his way— was too retiring — though very polite 
 — but still too distant — to visit — would not properly co- 
 operate for the proper government of the parish: I see 
 things will be widely different — the rector will be de- 
 lighted: indeed a magistrate under the late order of 
 things was of no use — that is, he had no power: I see 
 how differently it will be for the future." 
 
 " Madam, give me your hand : a little mutual assist- 
 ance is what I want." 
 
 The ladies shook hands : and the reader will see 
 that they were fast approaching that felicity which is 
 defined by saying, " they have got to know each 
 other." 
 
 Miss Clough drove home, and told the expectant 
 baronet that she thouo-ht she had — thous^h after his 
 mad conduct of the preceding night, it would be dan- 
 gerous to say positively — made his peace, and secured 
 the silence of the rectory as to the drunken, wild, not to 
 say the insane discourse that he had uttered during the 
 first night which he had passed at Beechwood. But, if 
 he wished her to stay another hour under his roof, he 
 must never give utterance again to such trash as that 
 of the smashing up of the wisest thing his noble ances-
 
 236 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 tors had ever done — the passing of an act for the better 
 preserving of the game of Great Britain, &c. &c. 
 
 The baronet, in great humiliation publicly, though 
 privately a little restive, promised the most intense obe- 
 dience. 
 
 And James Clough, the new steward — when the old 
 one was discharged — was the witness.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 237 
 
 CHAPTEE V. 
 
 Miss Clough, after all this, was resolved to have not 
 only a bit of rest, happiness, and peace; but, after a 
 survey of the new estate, as well as being sufficiently 
 bowed to, courtesied to, and acknowledged by all the sons, 
 daughters, wives, servants, husbands, husbandmen, and 
 miscellanea of the estate, of course including the pal- 
 sied shake of the paupers, would give way to a little 
 joyousness, if not actually some family roistering, parti- 
 cularly when her friends, and such relatives as she 
 had invited, should come and see the now great lady of 
 Beechwood manor. 
 
 There are few things in life more charming than the 
 first week of an inheritance: a new estate — our own 
 estate; every where, every inch, every thing in it our 
 own, manor-house, village, shooting-lodges, farm-house, 
 work-house, the hearse-house, round-house, church, 
 and the stocks. And though we do not own every 
 house, pig, cow, or cart that we see, yet we own their 
 owners, which makes tolerable amends for not actually 
 owning their live stock. 
 
 These sort of feelings did not so much fluster the breast 
 of the baronet, as they palpitated that of the niece. The 
 baronet, as view after view burst upon him, simply said, 
 that he wished he was thirty years younger, or had not 
 lived quite so gaily when taking his early gallops.
 
 238 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 The lady said, she would be content, even if she were 
 twenty years younger, but then she should like to be as 
 handsome as the farmers' daughters who had just passed 
 them; not so impudent and awkward, though: she must 
 teach those simple rustics how to courtesy with a little 
 less stiffness when next they meet. She had no objec- 
 tion to be a great friend both to the young and old in 
 the whole parish, but there must be a dancing-master 
 introduced first; for not only were the obeisances of the 
 ladies, but those of their rustic brothers, everything 
 but what she and her brothers had always paid to 
 the lord and lady of their parish; and indeed, to some of 
 the principal salt proprietors at the Wiches. 
 
 For several days, the baronet, lady, and suite, walked 
 and rode over the new birth-right : in these excursions 
 the new steward was most attentive. Only remove the 
 old one, and then — no doubt he must have been a great 
 rogue, he was so wealthy. It is true, he had been stew- 
 ard forty-five years, a man of remarkably abstemious 
 habits; and being a large farmer, it was barely pos- 
 sible that he might have stocking-bagged a few old 
 guineas somewhat honestly. But for all this, the 
 Clous^hs were resolved not to distress the remainder of 
 his days by giving him any more employment at the 
 manor. 
 
 " Now, you see, uncle," said the lady, as they came to 
 the termination of the great Groveby wood, " you per- 
 ceive that Sir Joseph, with all his amiability, was quite 
 alive to the necessity of warning poachers or trespassers, 
 for I believe there is not an outlet, stile, walk, or by- 
 road, but there are notice-boards for that purpose." 
 
 " Why, the fact is, Barbarer, I have been a-twigging 
 them all along : he certainly intended to live longer, for 
 all the notices look as if they had not been up above 
 half-a-year, at most."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 239 
 
 " Oh," said the new steward, " only a month before he 
 died." 
 
 The reader will recollect that these were put up by 
 Mr. James Clough himself: of course, his sister knew it, 
 but then this was a nice opportunity to enforce her doc- 
 trines as to the most pungent obedience to the opinions 
 of those who hold, that an infringement of the game-laws, 
 and of those for the prevention of high-treason, ought to 
 be alike punished. 
 
 " Notwithstanding," muttered the baronet, " I cer- 
 tainly think it damned wrong, to pull a poor fellow up 
 for taking a hare home to a starving family: or a few 
 fish—" 
 
 " Ay, but if he would work, instead of cony catching, 
 his family would not need to starveP 
 
 " But, supposing, Mrs. game-laws-and-petticoat-go- 
 vernment, that he had no work." 
 
 " He must beg, or go to the work-house." 
 
 "The devil he must; what! when there is plenty of 
 smashin hares eatin his few cabbage-sprouts : so he must 
 be a burden to the parish his-self, rather than help to 
 remove one." 
 
 "Well, well; that maybe all right; but then don't 
 you see, there must be some instrument of power by 
 which those who govern can subdue those who were 
 made to be ruled. Now, unless there were traps for 
 them, something to snare their passions, (as in the rich 
 there is ambition, in women vanity,) there would be no 
 temptation, no nets, gins, night-lines; and where there 
 are not these, what is there to squeeze — it may be, 
 crush! there would be no necessity for the screw, and 
 what then would be the good of either being rich or 
 powerful?" 
 
 " Well, there is one blessing in what you have said : 
 I do not understand one damned word of it — unless it
 
 240 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 be as how you mean that all captains a-ships, and lords 
 a-manors should be tyrants: flogging the men in the 
 first, and seizing the women and what you like in the 
 last. I tell you, I hate all that." 
 
 " No, no, I do not mean that exactly — I — " 
 
 The new steward winked to his sister, as much as to 
 say, " go no further with it just now." 
 
 " In short," said Miss Clough, " all I mean is, that 
 these sorts of things will prevent us from insult — " 
 
 " Insult ! why, who the devil is a-goin to insult us, if 
 we don't mis-behave ourselves?" 
 
 James Clough winked to his sister once more; and, as 
 they had now reached a small mound whence there was 
 a magnificent prospect, he asked if the party had ever 
 seen anything so charming, " Isn't it delightful, uncle?" 
 
 ^« Why, I suppose it would be to these poets or 
 painters: — by George, Jim, what a devil of a nose you 
 have got; and damn it, now that I have a fair chance of 
 skewting at you, how very much you are altered since you 
 left home : why, hang my limbs, you look as if you had 
 never even taken your breakfast sober since you came 
 to Beechwood : and what's more, your hand is a-kicking 
 nice capers, truly. I think you have been a-studying 
 for the butlership, instead of the steward trade." 
 
 " Ha, ha, uncle, uncle, you are so fond of a bit of 
 fun : I grant you that ever since your and sister's arri- 
 val, I have regaled a bit. I suppose, sir, you would 
 wish me to set a good example, and do honour to your 
 board. Sir Robert?" 
 
 " Oh, if you can stand it, I know damned well the 
 cellars of Beechwood can: but all I say is, that you had 
 better taper off" a bit : begin with thirty glasses a-day, 
 and get down to ten as soon as you can : I don't mind 
 that; because ten — ^beside dinner and supper ale — I in- 
 tend to do myself."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 241 
 
 Miss Clough looked, and said to herself, " will you? 
 then half of your estate goes to insure your life, and that 
 too in my behalf." 
 
 In these agreeable little chats and sallies, the party 
 wended its way to the hall, and had scarcely got there, 
 when who should arrive but two more sisters of the 
 Cloughs, a single and a married one. The first merely 
 brought herself — the latter, her two daughters. There 
 only wanted one more of the family to make it complete 
 — save the father and mother — this one w^as Jack 
 Clough; a dull lad he always was, and so had been 
 brought up to "flat" building. Now, these " flats" are 
 vessels used (in that neighbourhood) for the purpose of 
 transporting salt to Lancashire, and coals thence to the 
 Wiches. It so occurred, that one of them not only car- 
 ried the articles mentioned, but (as it not unfrequently 
 happens) the captain and his household stuff; in this case 
 comprising, amongst many other things, a daug^iter, 
 a hale buxom lass, with whom Jack one day, seeing her 
 act at the helm, fell into the usual mistake, and married. 
 A grand wedding it w^as, there being no less than two 
 fiddlers worked, and two barrels of beer broached, on the 
 occasion. 
 
 Now, this couple was amongst the rest which had 
 just honoured Beechwood. Miss Clough was sadly 
 bothered when she saw them, as they had not only made 
 their way on foot, but through the kitchen into the 
 room in which we see them so comfortably seated. The 
 last part of their performance was, because Mrs. John 
 Clough was fearful they might not meet with a welcome. 
 Her husband had not exactly such foreboding, because 
 he well recollected, that when his uncle was staying at 
 his father's, how often they had tippled together — in- 
 deed, Jack was rather more knowing in poaching excur- 
 sions than uncle himself. Thus, it was all through Mrs.
 
 242 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Clougli, tliat John Clougli did not knock at the front 
 door, as if somebody had thrown three bricks at it in 
 succession. 
 
 Well, they are undoubtedly of the family, and so must 
 renovate, and then come down to dinner. 
 
 It fortunately happened that there were no strangers 
 present — unless the servants may be understood to be 
 such; and, so soon as the steward had said grace, the 
 covers were removed, and, it only being a family dinner, 
 Miss Clough relieved the servants from their usual 
 attention at the table. 
 
 Mr. John Clough, however, was most hackward^ and 
 though, in early life, he had often given the young lady, 
 who was at the head of the table, many twists of the 
 neck, and screws of the ear, yet, as he now saw her so 
 gorgeous — and then the plate upon the table, the side- 
 board, candelabra, all, every thing — his heart began to 
 quake; and when she addressed him, he answered, 
 "madam," and said, " if you please;" and, " I rather 
 wouldn't ma'am," and so on. As to Mrs. John Clough, 
 she, when asked of what she would partake, said, she 
 didn''t mind, but whatever it was, she would rather have 
 it on her knee. 
 
 This made the gentleman in waiting crack out. 
 
 And the new steward to look out. 
 
 And the lady of the manor to speak out, and to de- 
 mand, out and out, what was to do. 
 
 " Oh, only, madam, Susan has put something into my 
 stockings, and it began to tickle — that's all,"" said George, 
 the waiter. 
 
 " Well," said the baronet, " you do the same to 
 Susan," and then the said baronet nearly choked him- 
 self at his joke. 
 
 And it is needless to say the whole company were 
 merry also.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 243 
 
 And SO was George, the butler, when he arrived at 
 his pantry: and therein he summoned the principal ser- 
 vants, and did recount what had taken place in the din- 
 ino^-room. 
 
 And they of the pantry agreed, that they of the din- 
 ing-room were a very emusing, extraordinary set of in- 
 dividuals, if not actually — peeple. 
 
 Mrs. John Clough was asked if she would take 
 fish. 
 
 And she replied and said, that if it made no differ- 
 ence, she would rather have some flesh. 
 
 It did make no difference, and when the meat was 
 put upon her plate, she said, she would feel for ever 
 obliged if they would permit one of the livery footmen 
 to cut it into pieces, and then she could tuck it in with 
 a spoon. " I always liket spoon meight best : it's th' 
 handiest and soonest deaun."" 
 
 The lady of the manor was resolved that, if it pleased 
 her maker to get that dinner over, the like should never 
 happen again at Beechwood. 
 
 Mrs. Ross, the married sister, was equally shocked: 
 she had been a lady's maid in early youth, and so of 
 course knew a good deal of table etiquette: nay, had 
 brought her daughters to Beechwood to pick up style. 
 
 The new steward would have been equally annoyed, 
 only he had managed to trick the butler out of a bottle 
 of gin — though the said official, in the very first night 
 of the family's arrival, had had strict orders to watch 
 him — had drunk about half of it, and, consequently, his 
 temper having met with a corresponding amount of 
 sweet treatment, most things went on smoothly. 
 
 Mr. John Clough took three silver gills of old ale to 
 his soup, one to his fish, and now that he has got to the 
 beef, he is getting on rarely. Oh, a house-rearing or a 
 flat-launching was nothing to the pleasure he perceived.
 
 244 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 fast coming over him. Got bolder; called the lady at 
 the head of the table "madam" no longer: nay, soon 
 got to " sister," from that again (only once) to " Bar- 
 bara;" and at last he got quite as much at ease as though 
 he was merely paying a visit to his father-in-law in the 
 cabin of the " Mary-Ann, of Nantwich." Told his sisters 
 to lay to; and of the lady of his own bosom he desired 
 that, whatever she did, she was not to betray any symp- 
 toms of being halo (shy), or being short of breath through 
 the arduousness of the dinner exertions. 
 
 " I'll tak' care of mysel, by Gew, and I'll leave a bit 
 of room, yet, for th' baw : I never went to a club-dinner, 
 but so how mich I eight, I always took care to leave a 
 corner for abeaut a peaund of plum budding; and I be- 
 long to three sick societies." 
 
 A slight titter from the side-board, not by George; 
 no, by AVilliam. 
 
 " What, sir ; has one of the maids put something 
 into your stockings, as you dare laugh so?" demanded 
 the lady of the manor : " leave the room." 
 
 " If he laughs at me, sister-in-law," said Mrs. Clough, 
 " you have bien talkin to him about a stockin, and Pil 
 bet him a shillin, that he will feel my fist on his yed as 
 if it was a brick droppin into one." 
 
 This, certainly, produced a roar, the baronet being 
 highly delighted, for he was glad to see his haughty niece 
 humbled a little, and perceiving there was likely to be 
 some more fun from the same fertile source, ordered the 
 bell to be rung, under the pretence that he wanted more 
 gin and hot water, but, in reality, that one of the servants 
 could hear what was going on : forgetting that, in annoy- 
 ing his somewhat tyrannical mentor, he was exposing 
 himself. 
 
 Now, the servant, George this time, was just as glad 
 to be niggling about the side-board as his master was
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 245 
 
 to have him'there: besides that, a score of things has to 
 be done, for which his master had rung the bell. 
 
 Mrs. John was quite delighted to find that her wit 
 had caused so much fun, and feeling herself quite at 
 ease, commenced again. " Whack a footman! why, I 
 licked my own mam before I was thirteen: and even 
 our John here could not down me, only, bein his wife, 
 it's my duty to obey." 
 
 The baronet nearly throttled himself once more; 
 swore, and that pretty forcibly too, that he would never 
 dine at Beechwood again, but she must have a knife and 
 a fork. And now, as the spirit of mischief was upon 
 him, he winked for more gin. 
 
 The giggle of the footman could not be heard at this 
 time, but his surprise was when he heard John Clough 
 say, " Eh, uncle, you little thought of these grand doings 
 when the chaplain was going to close the book, and the 
 rope was round your neck — ^" 
 
 " You infernal scoundrel, what did you broach such a 
 thing as that, for," exclaimed the baronet, in a whirl- 
 wind of passion. 
 
 " Eh?" looked the frightened John Clough, " why, 
 you know, uncle, you told me so yourself — you know — " 
 
 " Get out of the room, George; yes, you cursed addle- 
 headed muff, but when I did, no one was present but 
 ourselves !" 
 
 " Oh, John, John," said his sister, " if this sort of 
 work is to be carried on, I will never allow one of my 
 own family to come into the house again." 
 
 " Well, I'm very sorry if I've done wrong; I thought 
 every body knew of it: beside, many have said, to this 
 day, that the mutineers of the Nore was right : and, be- 
 side, it was quite clear, as was afterwards found, that 
 your crew, uncle, was compelled to join: so what the 
 deuce does all I've said come to?" 
 
 Vol. I.— R.
 
 ^46 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " Yes, but," cried out the host, " though the crew I 
 was in was compelled to join, I went willingly, and — 
 you may look — you that would hang a poacher — Vd do 
 the same thing to-morrow; and just to show what I 
 mean, I will wear a suit of black every anniversary of 
 the murder of Parker. And here's my hand, Jack, 
 only mind don't talk about hanging, again, before 
 servants." 
 
 " Well, I thought it was queer if I could do anything 
 to offend uncle Kent. I rather think that I have al- 
 ways had as much respect, and more affection, for the 
 lord of the manor, than any one present. And to prove 
 all this, wait a bit." And, with this, the deeply affected 
 Mr. Clough left the room; proceeded to the kitchen, and 
 soon returned with a somewhat rustic-looking reticule; 
 and, after he had turned up a part of the table-cloth, 
 he placed upon the mahogany dining-table, a young shim- 
 white, thorough-bred, out-and-out, no doubting it — 
 *^ real-lop'^ rabbit. 
 
 " What !" shouted out the baronet, his eyes starting 
 with delight — " let me see properly before I speak — a 
 real lop, by George." 
 
 " Is there a dewlap there, dear uncle ? and he's only 
 five weeks old!" 
 
 "Is there a dewlap? the Lord prosper thee. Jack, 
 and bless thee. I hope thou hasn't stole him: my 
 heavens, what a beauty!" 
 
 " Well, and if I had stole him ; so that I brought him 
 as a present for my uncle, I think it would not show any 
 less respect, or love." 
 
 " Not a bit. Jack: but then I should not like a search- 
 warrant to come into the house; not but I think we 
 could so hide him, that the beaks would have a job to 
 find him: eh, Lord, I never see such a dewlap in my 
 life — not for his age."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 247 
 
 "Ay, but stay, stay, stay, a bit," commenced tbe 
 steward, " it strikes me that all is not quite right about 
 him yet. This ear is, or has been, an oar-lop." 
 
 ** You're a liar, though you are my own brother, and 
 did go to school twice as long as myself," replied Jack. 
 
 " Why, but don't you see that his right ear shoAvs — 
 or would have done, only there has been a good deal of 
 twisting — some of the inside: and if I mistake not, a 
 bit of lead has been used to weight it down." 
 
 " You leave the room, you vulgar cub : so, ' his right- 
 ear is a oar-lop?' your mother as like. And pray, sir 
 steward, when did you ever know a rabbit of his age 
 with such a dew-lap as this? If you know no more how 
 to manage the tenantry, the estate, and all the rest — I 
 think that the sooner that Jack sells his adze, auger, and 
 caulking chisel, comes to Beechwood to superintend, 
 and you go back to look after your father's cows, 
 pony, and Saturday night's shilling, the better. You 
 had better turn to grinding cob-webs for fly-poison, 
 or distilling soda-water out of fire-damp : a ^oar-lop,* 
 is he?" 
 
 " Oh, I've done. Sir Robert, but I thought you 
 allowed your humblest domestic to give an opinion 
 according to his conscience. That's all I have to say," 
 concluded the steward, swooping up the liquor next him, 
 
 " Well, sir, but you need not drink my gin-and-water, 
 in your passion: and to show that I always wish to do 
 what's fair, I'll not only allow what you call the humblest 
 domestic in the house to give an opinion, but I will leave 
 the matter in dispute to every, or any one in it; and 
 then we will see who is right — Jack, it is a beauty." 
 
 " Well, that's fair enough,'* said the steward ; and 
 upon a wink from the lady of the manor, said, he should 
 like to scrutify the interesting stranger once more: 
 he was permitted, and after a moment's ardent
 
 248 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 examination, said: "liumplij Ly George, now that I see 
 him run, I find I was wrong." 
 
 "Ha, ha, ha!" 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha I " cracked out the baronet and flat-car- 
 penter — "can judge better of his points when running 
 than when you had him in your hand. The fact is this, 
 Mr. James Clough — never prate about that upon which 
 you know nothing. I say, Jack," whispered Sir Robert 
 to his eldest nephew, " as soon as the cloth is removed, 
 and we have washed down with a few glasses of grog — 
 we'll have a walk together, and leave these fools." 
 
 " That's right, and we'll look out where to drop a 
 night-line or two. And didn't I see some nice runs, as 
 I came here? only wait until the hares are in season, 
 and we'll not want for pocket-money." 
 
 " Hush, there is your grand sister listening." 
 
 " Oh, the fact is, you don't think we are planning to 
 go to the ale-house?" called out Mr. Clough. 
 
 " Nay," said his lady, " you would be foo's, when 
 there's plenty here for nothin." 
 
 Well, this put the company into good temper once 
 more. The present was then ordered to be hung up in 
 a basket to the ceiling of the butler's pantry, for fear 
 the cats might alarm it; and, also, until a new hutch, 
 suitable to its dignity, could be made. 
 
 John Clough was a favourite guest at Beechwood. 
 
 And James Clough became a little jealous thereat; 
 but — 
 
 Miss Clough was rather pleased than otherwise; only, 
 she was resolved there should be no more such dinner- 
 scenes as the one of which we have attempted a 
 description. 
 
 The grog had been circulated with becoming celerity; 
 and to it, or the freshness of the Groveby air, were 
 attributed the cheering elFects on all the family at the
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 249 
 
 court. Miss Clough, with her married sister, took this 
 opportunity of making an impression in the servants' 
 hall. There needed one. And the baronet and darling- 
 nephew, being gone to look for hare-runs — ^this was the 
 time. She summoned every domestic in the house, and 
 having commenced with " Ladies and Gentlemen," made 
 a smart energetic speech of twenty minutes — and a 
 clever one too: beginning with the arrival of the new 
 family, and ending with the dinner scene of that day. 
 Insisting at great length upon Sir Robert's fatherly feel- 
 ings towards them, and her own sympathy therewith — 
 her entire approbation of all that they had done — 
 pardoned the laughing at dinner: nay, said that she 
 should have been surprised had it been otherwise. 
 " But," continued she, "what can I do? in every family, 
 as you are aware, there is sure to be an imprudent one; 
 and though in this case, the imprudence has been rather 
 in the choice of a help-mate than in my own brother's 
 conduct, still, what can we do? she visits us, and though 
 not fittino; to sit down with the humblest here — still — " 
 
 " Oh, madam, you do quite right," interrupted the 
 gardener; " she is of your own flimily, and, therefore, 
 must sit at your table: and I am sure nothing could 
 betray greater ignorance than for any servant in the 
 establishment to make a remark, or listen to one." 
 
 " I am greatly obliged, and greatly relieved," replied 
 the eloquent haranguer; "I am rejoiced to hear this 
 from you, and I am sure to a community who seem to 
 be regulated by such proper feelings, even a hint, as to 
 the necessity of a complete secrecy^ would be ill-put — 
 either as to the little sallies of Sir Robert, or as to the 
 appearance, education, or manners of those who, by 
 necessity, will occasionally visit him. 
 
 " There is one thing I must name, and that is the 
 careless allusion my unhappy brother made at this day's
 
 250 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 dinner, about the ^ cliaplain' — and the ^rope' being 
 round poor uncle'*s neck. It was this: my uncle, as I 
 suppose you will know, was reared to the sea, being the 
 son of the great Chester merchant, Reuben Kent; at 
 that time, the greatest merchant in this part of England. 
 In one of their whaling voyages he got wrecked on a 
 barbarous island, and the natives, being at war with 
 another tribe, compelled my uncle and companions to 
 assist in their war operations; and, through the upset- 
 ting of a boat, my uncle and three others were made 
 prisoners; were condemned to be hung and burnt, and 
 had the ropes round their necks; the chaplain, as my 
 waggish brother called him, being one of their priests, 
 was yelling a sort of victory whoop, when another 
 English crew came to their friends' rescue, and I believe 
 actually cut your poor master down. The vehement 
 way, then, in which Sir Robert rebuked my brother, 
 was, because he feared — as well he might — that a wrong 
 impression would be carried to this part of the house: 
 and then what not. 
 
 "■ However, after this explanation, and from what I 
 have seen of your fidelity to your late, and affection 
 to your present baronet, I am sure I need not make 
 another observation." 
 
 " Oh, certainly not," called out the whole auditory. 
 
 " You will feel for his, for our elevation, because to 
 deny that it has been a very great one, would be trifling 
 with your experience: you will let go unobserved any 
 little exuberance you may see in your new entertainer; 
 and when you have found him to be that which I know 
 him to be, a kind and approved good man, I feel assured 
 that, as fond children screen the faults of silly parents, 
 so will you his foibles ; nay, by how much more he may 
 need your sympathy, with so much more kindly warmth, 
 I know, he will receive it at your hands; and that we
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 251 
 
 maj live long, a happy, united, and peaceable family, is 
 the very ardent prayer of the humble creature who has 
 had the pleasure thus to address you. 
 
 " There," said the maiden to the married sister, as 
 she left the huzzaing servants in the midst of their 
 enthusiasm, " I think I have nailed that lot?" 
 
 Sister respondedj and said, " Well, I think so too,"
 
 252 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTER YI. 
 
 The " exuberance " hinted at in the last chapter, was 
 carried out both in spirit and quantity; nothing could 
 be more jovial, roisterous, or merry. Mr. John Clough 
 became a favourite, from the dining-room to the butler's 
 pantry; thence to the very dog-kennels. 
 
 The servants' hall he carried by shower — that is, of 
 kisses, assisted by squeezes, rumplings and hugs — only 
 with the ladies. Indeed, so much was he disposed to 
 this amusement, that his own lady waxed green about 
 the eyes, and gave her complaint to the cook girl — though 
 in the latter case its appearance assumed a darker hue 
 — and boxed the side-curls of the dairy-maid, with all 
 parts thereunto adjacent. 
 
 The entertainments were chiefly given in the evenings : 
 the mornings were devoted, by the ladies, to giving and 
 receiving visits to and from the neighbouring gentry. 
 Those of the new steward were young-rabbit shooting, 
 hawk, jay, weasel, or other obnoxious gentlemen of that 
 class — and getting sly glasses of gin at any convenient 
 public-house he might come to. For the baronet and John 
 Clough, this was the order: to build with their own hands, 
 a gorgeous new hutch for the choice real-lop, of which 
 we have heard so much. Then the pigeon-house under- 
 went a survey, and though found large enough, yet it 
 was by no means calculated for the breeding and security
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 253 
 
 of the fancy doves, in which the proprietor of Beech- 
 wood was resolved (on a great scale) to indulge. No ; a 
 quiet corner, in a quiet place — the library was the spot ! 
 not only could the baronet further out his views as to 
 the pigeons, by which the prizes of Westminster he was 
 resolved to win, but he could have a dozen white mice 
 at work; and why not let a few silk-worms try their 
 hands at spinning silk, in a county, too, in which so 
 much is woven. That might prove a great hit! 
 
 As to guinea-pigs, he had ceased to contemplate their 
 welfare ; and why ? because he had found that their 
 services, when required to keep the rats from the rabbit- 
 hutches, had neither been distinguished by promptness, 
 energy, nor success ; so, with them he would not bother : 
 Jack might if he liked. 
 
 These were the schemes and plans, not only for the 
 present happiness, but for future greatness of Sir Robert 
 and his protege ; and for amusement, too, since now 
 there was no necessity for a bit of poaching. 
 
 In the latter, however, both parties were agreeably 
 deceived ; they might still do a little, and in this way. 
 The late steward of Beechwood, (we say late, for he had 
 tendered his books and resignation,) had a most glorious 
 fish-pond at the bottom of his garden : it abounded — 
 not only every body said so, but Jack had seen them 
 jump up after flies, and for fun — with the choicest fish 
 to be found in the country. This would be a nice bit 
 of revenge, for giving up the books of his late employ- 
 ment. 
 
 It may be asked what revenge? when, from all that 
 has been said, it would be inferred that the family wanted 
 to get quit of him, in order to place in his old shoes 
 the new feet of Mr. James Clough. Why, this is true; 
 but then the family wished to discharge him, and not 
 have the compliment reversed. And this was the
 
 254 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 grudge, at least with Miss Clough, and so she suggested 
 the revenge hinted at. The poaching of his fish, then, 
 would make him remember being contumelious to the 
 new proprietary. Miss Clough was of the council, as we 
 have said, but took care no one knew of it. The 
 poachers, fearing they should want strength, with 
 secrecy, sent home for a famous old fish-poacher; 
 desired he would honour Beechwood with a few days' 
 visit, his expenses and ample keep being guaranteed. 
 This would be the man, and then the fun could com- 
 mence. And whilst the preparations are going on, we 
 will enlighten the reader as to the position of the late 
 steward: it will be the more useful, as we shall have 
 much to do both with him and his family. 
 
 Mr. Walford, as we have somewhere said, was about 
 seventy : a good round age — but he was of an excellent 
 constitution, having led a temperate, regular life — 
 though he had had his jovial hours. Oh, yes; only let a 
 few friends, good, worthy, old, very old friends, drop in, 
 and then the bottle was not allowed to be a mere orna- 
 ment on the table, and he would lead the way in its 
 merry-go-round ; so he might yet be said to be in the 
 strength, if not in the buoyancy of life. 
 
 We have stated how long he had been the agent at 
 Beechwood; and we can fearlessly say, he was alike 
 the favourite of landlords and tenants throughout that 
 long career. His father had swayed the destinies of the 
 parish for a still longer time ; so it may readily be ima- 
 gined that the last steward was well known in those 
 regions : and so he was. He had for a great number 
 of years been a widower; during that period, his house 
 had been managed by his eldest daughter, a widow, 
 Mrs. Collier: her family consisted of two sons who were 
 at college. The other member of his family was a grand- 
 daughter, the only child of his youngest daughter, Edith
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOK. 255 
 
 Walford — afterwards Mrs. Groveby of Groveby. These 
 were all his household, save a couple of very ancient 
 servants and their helps. The Grovebies were respect- 
 able proprietors in the parish which bore their namCj, 
 where their family had resided for centuries. Ellen 
 Groveby was the name of the grand-daughter of the ex- 
 steward; and as she was parentless — both father and 
 mother dying when she was very young — and a very 
 amiable, docile, and warm-souled little girl — the only 
 child about the hearth — the steward paid her much 
 attention, nursing her with evident fondness, and 
 behaving to her as though she was his own very Edith, 
 This the old gentleman had done from the hour that the 
 death of its parents had made him the little orphan's 
 guardian; and his love for her had grown upon him, until 
 he thought the sun-beams which played upon her in the 
 hay-fields, flattered as they danced upon her fauMess 
 neck, even as the zephyrs were, that arrived at their 
 bowers laden with her silvery laughs and sweet voice. 
 She was little more than a girl when we speak, not 
 having had, by twenty-five summers, the time for im- 
 provement, personally and mentally, that had been 
 vouchsafed to the lady of the manor. And jet, it may 
 seem strange, that that good lady, on seeing her at 
 church, and hearing of her grand-father's fondness for 
 her, gave it as a carefully-digested opinion, that " he 
 was an old dotard, and that she was a little peevish- 
 faced minx." But, to show the diflPerence of opinion on 
 things material, (no wonder about those which are not 
 so,) most of the swains in the neighbourhood of Groveby 
 affirmed that the old ofentleman's estimate of his ffrand- 
 daughter's beauty was fully borne out; and to show 
 that the lady of the manor had not all her own way in 
 this very subtle inquiry, the lord of the manor was, 
 openly, of the same opinion; the new steward — covertly.
 
 256 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 Be it either way, we must for a short time leave the 
 youthful Ellen, and the question of her charms ; and as 
 she advances to womanhood, why then we may find her of 
 such increased importance as to make it imperative on 
 us to render full homage to one who has already caused 
 so much speculation. 
 
 In the mean time, we will endeavour to be a little 
 more explicit as to the old steward's resignation: that 
 is, we will give the reader all we know about it. 
 
 During the three weeks that Mr. James Clough v^^as 
 down at Beechwood, before the arrival of the family, 
 he went repeatedly to Mr. Walford for advice, instruc- 
 tion, and so on; and, as we have said, Mr. Walford, 
 taking delight in making his friends merry when 
 honoured by their visits, he made most welcome the 
 nephew of Beechvfood. But the visitor made too free 
 with this courtesy, as usual after emptying a couple of 
 bottles of spirits, beginning to rumple the servants and 
 then the ladies of the establishment. This propensity 
 toward the agreeable liad been once put in practice with 
 Mrs. Collier, the widow lady we have mentioned, and 
 several times with the female domestics. The first time 
 the lady pardoned him; but when the rudeness was 
 again offered, and similar familiarity attempted to her 
 youthful niece, Ellen Groveby, she at once insisted 
 that her father should forbid him the house, as he had 
 outstepped not only the laws of good behaviour, but of 
 hospitality. 
 
 At this, as may be supposed, Mr. Walford was greatly 
 perplexed, and having business frequently to transact 
 with Mr. Clough, he scarcely knew how to manage 
 affairs until the baronet should arrive, when a definite 
 understanding could, nay must take place, or at once, 
 he would resign. 
 
 A good deal of this got up to the rectory, and though
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 257 
 
 the Keverend Mr. Yielding was most anxious to serve 
 the new dynasty, yet he was nearly as fearful of giving 
 offence to the wealthy Mr. Walford. Miss Clough in- 
 timated to Mrs. Yielding the family's wish to discharge 
 — not exactly to discharge the present steward — but that 
 her brother, in the event of his resignation^ should suc- 
 ceed him. 
 
 Mrs. Yielding set her face, and then her eyes, and 
 lastly her mouth, to work, all in opposition to Miss 
 Clough's hint: discharge to so old and valued a servant 
 was out of consideration : unless, indeed, which she was 
 afraid was impossible, something could be found against 
 his character which would justify to the neighbourhood 
 such a proceeding. 
 
 ]\Iiss Clouo^h suo*o;ested his ao^e. 
 
 The rectoress shook her cap. 
 
 The ladies then got fairly to work, and argued it, and 
 other affairs of Beech wood, for one hour; when the whole 
 matter was wound up thus : 
 
 " I cordially agree with all you have said, madam, 
 as to keeping every thing as it stands in Beechwood: 
 but then there is another to please in all this : you see 
 poor uncle, in his anticipation days, made heaps of pro- 
 mises as to the selection of his new household. The 
 one to my brother was perhaps natural enough, because, 
 whatever may be uncle's position now, he was, and had 
 been, under years of obligations to our family; nay, its 
 humility was caused by its over exertions to give him 
 assistance — a good but improvident man. Thus, one 
 was to be butler, another gardener, game-keeper, and 
 what not." 
 
 Mrs. Yielding, however, still dwelt upon the impor- 
 tance of standing well with their neighbours : said that 
 she must oppose any alteration in the arrangements ex- 
 cept as to the keeper (who had offended one of her sons); 
 
 s
 
 258 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 him, she said, it might be advisable to remove ; " for," 
 continued she, "to my knowledge, he is always wassailing 
 in ale-houses: a swart galchin fellow: one that boasts 
 he can gobbet a quart of ale; an animal gravid with 
 mischief, lying, and idleness; and though it may be 
 found necessary to discharge Am, still I fear it would 
 not do to engage one from another parish: in the first 
 place, he would not know the location of the game, or 
 the haunts of its destroyers. Oh, the fact is, if you 
 turn off Joe Black, you must appoint another from the 
 neighbourhood. In few words, the most renowned 
 villain in the whole parish must be the new man." 
 
 " I never was more gratified with an opinion in my 
 life," replied Miss Clough ; " Mr. Black walks on Satur- 
 day night." 
 
 " As far as a game-keeper goes. Miss Clough cannot 
 be blamed for the most prompt exercise of her authority." 
 
 " Well, now I have another difficult negotiation to 
 manage at the rectory, but I suppose I must effect it or 
 not go back to the manor." 
 
 " Pray, my dear, what may that be?" 
 
 " The poor baronet is quite jealous about his breeds 
 of sheep : protests that his present mutton is finer than 
 any of his predecessor's: wants the opinions of a few 
 friends in that particular; and, would you think it ! with- 
 out my knowledge — but I fortunately found it out — was 
 going to send half-a-sheep to the rectory; no doubt 
 thinking he could present mutton like game!" 
 
 " In this I am sure I am doubly obliged : to him for 
 his honest, sailor-like way of doing things; to Miss 
 Clough, that her breeding enabled such an arrangement 
 to be made, that the one could give, and the other accept 
 the present, without the slightest departure from the 
 soberest etiquette : nay, such an arrangement as would be 
 acknowledged to be correct by the first families in the
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 259 
 
 land. But this only proves the entire capability of the 
 new and talented management of Beech wood; so that 
 it never can be effaced as a principle — for nothing can 
 exceed its importance — to stand well, under all circum- 
 stances, at all times — in difficulties, or in fortune — with 
 our neighbours.'* 
 
 "That woman's mad about Mier neio-hbours:' wait 
 till I get a bit more strength amongst them, and if I 
 don't tell her so, it will be much but I will make her 
 feel it. I am obliged to keep in with her at present, I 
 have such a terrible lot to manas^e." 
 
 This Miss Clough chatted to herself as she was handed 
 to her carriage, and courtesied out of the rectory by the 
 good, kind, and well-bred Mrs. Yielding. 
 
 After the last wave of her hand to the carriao;e as it 
 was making its way to the rectory lodge, the last-named 
 lady soliloquized in this fashion: "Now, what can be»the 
 move of that half-sheep? I certainly like those sort of 
 presents infinitely better than braces of partridges or 
 snipe: the way in which it was done, too, shows talent, 
 caution, and breeding — a shrewd woman, depend u2)on 
 it, and clearly wants my interest. Because, as to the 
 new breed of the sheep, and all the rest, it was only, of 
 course, to give the half-sheep — without our receiving, or 
 their imparting, offence. Why, our butcher was telling 
 it that he had been killing one of the old wethers at the 
 court. I must confess that sheep puzzles me more than 
 he would a wolf; or a small flock of sheep would a 
 methodist divine. I think I have settled ^Ir. Joe 
 Black! Watch my sons, or their friends, when cutting 
 in a bit into the manor — will he? Well, I can ask the 
 butler, after prayers to-night, who, he thinks, will be 
 best for the place — I know he has been a great poacher 
 himself, and therefore likely to know."
 
 260 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTER VIL 
 
 '^ Capers," to use the old steward's words, when asked 
 why he had sent in his resignation, had been going on 
 at Beechwood for three months, ere the event happened 
 which caused the young steward to think of his new 
 duties, and the baronet, with his new pupil, Mr. John 
 Clough, to talk about poaching the late steward's fish- 
 pond. 
 
 Mr. Walford had sent with his resignation, the books, 
 maps of the estate, plans, surveys, measurements, and all 
 those thino-s relatino^ to his father's and his own steward- 
 ship. This had cost him bitter noons and sleepless 
 nights ; indeed, so much was he affected, that his rela- 
 tions and friends came to the conclusion that nothing 
 could save his life, but a removal from the scenes of his 
 early joys and present woes. 
 
 The love and attention of his daughter, the fondling 
 affection of his heart-sweet, little Ellen, could not stay 
 the rising groan. At last, however, he yielded to the 
 solicitudes of his family, and did that which he had never 
 done before — slept two consecutive nights out of his 
 native parish. Cheltenham was to be the rallying point, 
 but Oxford, of course, must be included in their route, 
 in order that the two grand-sons could be visited; so we 
 find that Mr. Walford, Mrs. Collier, her two sons, and 
 Ellen Groveby are making actually merry parties up
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 261 
 
 and down the West of England. And all being as happy 
 as innocence, family love, and easy circumstances could 
 make them; we will, for a short time, return to the din- 
 ing-room of Beechwood, leaving the tiny affairs of the 
 little, to mark the progression of those of the great. 
 
 " I wonder where yon old fool and his household are 
 gone to!" surmised Miss Clough, in presence of the 
 baronet. " And the tenantry to be mawky, too, about 
 him, the noodles! they shall not want a steward, let 
 them rest assured." 
 
 " What the li-ll does it matter ! there is only one 
 thing I am vexed about," replied the baronet, looking 
 at his protege, John Clough. 
 
 " I think I could guess what it is, uncle," replied John, 
 with as knowing a look as he could put on : ^' I think I 
 know — " 
 
 '^ ' I think I know:'" reiterated the lady of the man©r, 
 " ' I think I know;' just you pay a visit to the stables, 
 or dog-kennels, or, I am told you are best known there, 
 — the piggeries: and after that, make up your mind to 
 the day when you are to follow your intelligent wife: 
 since she w^ent, there is certainly one animal less to keep, 
 and I don't care how soon there is another." 
 
 " By , Jack is no more an animal nor Jim : a 
 
 drunken d n scamp." 
 
 " There, that will do; and in the name of all your 
 fancy pigeons, rabbits, and silk-grubs, do not swear so : 
 I will not permit it." 
 
 " Then, what do ye call one of your brothers a bigger 
 animal than the other for? when vou know one would 
 
 ft/ 
 
 cost me more in gin, nor the other all put together." 
 
 " Because he's not so great a fool: just now, they are 
 neither of them objects of family pride; but I must 
 have somebody here, I suppose. You, Jack, get back to 
 your flat-carpentering at once; you stay here no longer."
 
 262 THE LOED OF THE MAXOK. 
 
 "TVell, well, I'll go: Tve had a couple of months of 
 it, and that's more than I expected; and if I'm not as 
 knowinor as our Jim, vet I'm no hummin^rbuor." 
 
 "Xo, damn me if t'art; nor a tuning mermaid 
 either," and the baronet looked at his niece. 
 
 But she saw it not. 
 
 " Leave the room, John/' said the lady, '* I want to 
 speak with Sir Robert.'* 
 
 !Mr. Clousfh left the room. 
 
 " What makes jou so cross, this morning, Barbarer? 
 Walford has left, as you have always been a-driving 
 at ; I've sent a whole lamb up to the rectory, as you 
 desired : and insured my life, as you insisted upon, 
 and that too for a tidy lump on your account — ten 
 thousand I" 
 
 '' But how do I know that it wiU be kept up? the 
 yearly payment is immense." 
 
 " By " 
 
 " Xow, sir, do not swear: that I will not have: there 
 must be a fall of timber: the verv earth oT-oans under 
 its burdens at Beech wood; it will realize thirty thou- 
 sand; put that into my hands, and / will attend to the 
 insurance." 
 
 " Well, then, cannot you be easy until we get the fall: 
 damn it, let's have a bit of peace some hour in the day, 
 or, else, kill the pigs for porklings at once: what must 
 vou send Jack out of the wav for? Am I to have no 
 fun now that I am come to the "'state?" 
 
 ^* Because I wanted to talk to you about this sudden 
 departure of old Walford, and that (ratherj designing 
 woman his daughter, INIrs. CoUier." 
 
 " Oh, let him^ go to " 
 
 " I will not permit those expressions : you all but did 
 it before Mrs. Yieldinor, the other nicfht." 
 
 C" c 
 
 " Oh, she be ; what is she always here for? I
 
 THE LOED OF THE MANOR. 2G3 
 
 suppose we shall have to keep that lot too, but if I do, 
 damn me." 
 
 "Less profanity, Sir Robert, and now mark; the 
 reason why I expressed a wonder as to where Walford 
 was gone, was this; because he might, nay, I actually 
 dreamed as much, be gone to London: tell all, and 
 make an arranorement with " 
 
 Sir Robert turned pale. 
 
 " There, now, you see." 
 
 " See the devil in his study! who wanted him turned 
 off ? not me : and then, when is the tenantry to have 
 the opening dinner?" 
 
 "At the rent-day: let us touch a little of those 
 honest people's cash, and then talk of a feed." 
 
 " Oh, that's it; we are to be done out of that tuck-in; 
 damn me, if Jack has not been a-sayin so, all along." 
 
 " Why, you know, you are going to hold a court- 
 leet, give an extra feed then : Mrs. Yielding says, slie is 
 quite satisfied that that will be enough." 
 
 " I wonder — I wish I was sure whether Walford is 
 gone to London or not; if I thought he was, I would 
 soon be after him: and pray when is this court-leet 
 dinner to come off? you"*!! not let any of the tenantry 
 come and take a orlass with me: it's deoradin, vou sav, 
 to treat 'em in an ale-house: so, it appears, there is to 
 be very little fun going on. You have your pensioners 
 three times a-week; gives soup with your own hands, 
 and other things, and a precious lot too: I met a lot of 
 'em preciously loaded, and hang me you'll neither let me 
 give sixpences or so much as half-crowns: nor even 
 roasted bullocks and free ale to all whom may come, 
 same as we read in books. So that, at this rate, they 
 will take me for a old, hard-hearted, greedy, Chinese 
 mandril, and you the good, charitable, lady of the 
 manor."
 
 264 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 " For pity's sake, don't talk to me in that way : 
 who hinders you from giving sixpences? didn't you 
 throw three shillings' worth of copper the other day — 
 nice amusement truly — from a tavern v/indow? I am 
 sure when the rector (in the way of joke) asked me if it 
 were true, I never was so taken to before." 
 
 " Oh, yes you was: and what's more, I quite agree 
 with you that it is nice amusement truly, is throwing 
 coppers to the women and boys to scramble for, and if 
 I had had more, I would have thrown that more, that's 
 all: by George it was fun, ha, ha, ha (wait a bit)!" 
 
 Now, what was meant by this " wait a bit," was this ; 
 his worthy nephew. Jack, and he had agreed that, so 
 soon as the game season set in, they would gin lots of 
 hares and pheasants, just to have some slight pocket- 
 money, (this, it must be understood, was before the act 
 for the free sale of game was passed) for in truth both 
 of them had been kept woefully bare. James Clough 
 managed to do things a little better, as there were 
 several sly perquisites arising from the cattle, and 
 odds and evens which he found about the premises; 
 indeed, his finances — though rigidly watched — would 
 not have been in an unflourishing condition if he could 
 have bought over the butler, but with him he could 
 not effect terms at all. A pull at the strong-ale tankard 
 he could always have, but that was all: hence, his spare 
 cash had to go for drams when looking after the business 
 of the * state. 
 
 " Well, uncle, we will go home for a week, and then 
 you know you can carry on with your old friends with- 
 out the reproach of your own neighbourhood." 
 
 " Well, but am I to have a guinea or two in my 
 pocket? go to Northwich, Congleton — where I like, 
 and have a fuddlification? because, though I damn 
 myself, I would not give a curse for the 'state if I am to
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 265 
 
 be skewered up this way: give me a twenty-pound 
 note, and let me have a few days from that infernal sash 
 round your waist." 
 
 " Ha, how the man frets himself! as if dear uncle 
 could not have a fifty-pound note if he wanted it : what 
 is the use of talking about being short of money, and 
 such silly stuff? Don't I know that if you had twenty 
 pounds, that you would give it away: — and what have 
 I to do with that? nothing: but this I have to do with, 
 Sir Robert: I have my dear uncle's health to do with: 
 how could I ever forgive myself if I were to allow the 
 generosity of his nature to be his own undoing: what 
 would become of me if — i-f — if — " 
 
 And the usual relief came to the poor sufferer. 
 
 " Well, well, well, I know it is all for the best : and 
 I know you do it for a good purpose: now, yon devils in 
 London always let me have my own way: no doubt, 
 thought I should kill myself: but hush, my dear, but 
 — then damn it, I do think we should have a bit more 
 stirring — thafs all." 
 
 " What would be — be — come of — of me if any — thing 
 was to happen to you : you know I — I — I could not live 
 a minute if you were not here: what should I do?" 
 
 " Well, as to that, you know I have insured my life — ^" 
 
 " Oh, what is your money to me? what would I care 
 even if I had the estate secured — " 
 
 " That, my dear, you know, I cannot make to you, 
 or else I would." 
 
 " Oh, do not talk to me of estates : what would they 
 be to me if dear Sir Robert was not in them?" demanded 
 the lady, deeply affected. 
 
 "Well, I — I know — I know," and Sir Robert 
 wept too. 
 
 " Well, then, don't weep, or ever want money in 
 your pocket again: you see it is for your good — nay, to
 
 2QQ THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 save, to prolong your life I do this: and again, is not 
 the estate yours? there is popularity enough in that of 
 itself: now the estate is not mine; and, perhaps, legally 
 speaking, I have no right here: therefore, whatever 
 money is to be given, whatever charities, money, alms; 
 whatever good is done at Beech wood, I, and I only, 
 must do it."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 267 
 
 CHAPTER YIII. 
 
 In the same prosperous way in which the manor 
 affairs began, so, for the long space of six months, they 
 continued; the family dividing their time pretty 
 equally between the home of the Cloughs and the new 
 inheritance. Indeed, singular to say, the Beechwood 
 carriage was never more than three weeks without 
 paying a visit to the small Wiche in which Miss Clough 
 had learned her business of stay and general dress-maker: 
 this may appear strange, why one now so great should 
 visit the spot where once she was so little: it may ap- 
 pear strange, but only to those who have never known 
 small, mean beginnings, and splendid uprisings; to 
 those who have, few things, perhaps, are more easily ac- 
 counted for, or more agreeable. That it was so, in this 
 case, for a time, no one can doubt; we may, perhaps, 
 see how it will continue. 
 
 During these trips, and, indeed, when the family was 
 at home, the steward carried on his crusades — not be- 
 cause of their religion — against the poachers, and even 
 trespassers on the manor and plantations, in a way that 
 showed both purpose, determination, and aristocratical 
 vigour. The head-keeper was discharged about the time 
 stated in the prophecy of Miss Clough. And a new 
 game-keeper dynasty was commenced by the new steward 
 — sanctioned, of course, by Miss Clough and Mrs. Yield-
 
 268 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 ing. The name of this rising family was Harecroft. It 
 had long held a prominent position, not only as the most 
 gifted, but the most industrious of races in the poaching 
 circles: had long longed for a place at Beech wood: 
 made sure, if once there, promotion was certain. Thus 
 the eldest brother, Thomas Harecroft, was pitched upon 
 to wear the green coat and crested buttons of the court. 
 Now, Mr. Harecroft had an aged father, two brothers, 
 and several nephews — a sister — a niece or two, quite 
 worthy of the patriarch of this agrarian generation. 
 
 No sooner was Tom elevated from a scamp to a gen- 
 tleman, from a marauder to an apprehender of evil enac- 
 tors, than an essay might be written to inquire as to 
 which was of most use — his industry, ingenuity, perse- 
 verance, resolution, false swearing at petty sessions, or 
 bravery in apprehension — or whether he deserved most 
 credit not only from the proprietor of Beechwood, but 
 other soil-possessors, in which run, at large, deer, hare, 
 landrail, pheasant, peasant, snipe, or limpid brook — with 
 sportive fishes. 
 
 All admitted, all he did was wonderful: he had already 
 succeeded in getting his brother Bill, two of his nephews, 
 and sixteen others, finally committed by the good Rector 
 Yielding: he had only five more to catch, viz. his mother 
 — his father was now too old — his youngest brother — 
 the most cunning of all the breed — had never been caught 
 — his wife, and a gipsy king, that occasionally visited 
 those secluded groves — not, it was said, so much to 
 poach, as to negotiate between those who did, and those 
 who were fond to eat game — or to give it, as being of 
 their own rearing, killing, and the like: — all these, and 
 a daughter-in-law, he was resolved to nab. 
 
 These were they whom, Tom swore — ^in every ale- 
 house, church, and meeting-house in the vicinity — he 
 would clutch. He swore it in ale-houses to show firm
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 269 
 
 reliance on his own adroitness: in the other places, to 
 give evidence of his sincerity and impartiality. No man 
 attended at Groveby church more regularly than did 
 Mr. Harecroft. It was so remarked by the rector, when 
 acting in his work-day capacity of magistrate. 
 
 This was very flattering to the heart of Thomas 
 Harecroft; indeed, he was evidently so rising a man, par- 
 ticularly after capturing Pheasant Crow (William Hare- 
 croft), and almost taking — no doubt he would have 
 him — Scutty or Scut (James Harecroft, the cunning 
 chap), both his brothers — that he had some thoughts of 
 bringing one of his sons up to something professional; 
 say an attorney, or doctor at least — and actually did 
 bind one to a dogger, and the other bound himself to a 
 wench, with a ring, and served some time to her faithfully. 
 And this was the young lady that Tom was so anxious 
 to catch with a hare or two tied under her petticoat : he 
 knew it was there she carried them when going to 
 market. 
 
 Every day increased the reputation of the new keeper : 
 not a farmer's son who carried a sparrow or thrush-gun, 
 but, if he met him, stood treat: — and yet felt assured that, 
 if he were caught even in too deep an admiration of a 
 pheasant's plumage, the recipient would be the first to 
 drag him up to magistrate Yielding. The labouring men 
 touched their hats to him: asked him how " Ellen was" 
 (his wife, a woman that, of yore, they neighboured 
 with — but so no more) : not an old rotten stump could 
 be knocked down, but due information of the imposing 
 event, readily found its way to the hall. Not a bit of 
 scandal but did the same, particularly if it affected any 
 of the good family of the Cloughs. In short, everything 
 found its way thither except a few rabbits or what not, 
 which were required for the head-keeper's table — Man- 
 chester or Chester markets. Then, as to trespassers in
 
 270 THE LOKD OF THE MANGE. 
 
 the plantation, he had one barrel of his gun loaded with 
 wheat, so that if any attempted to run when surprised by 
 his awful appearance, he first sent a stunning " hollo," 
 after that (if attempting to get off), the brisk corn-shot, 
 and if that did not bring them to — the real shot itself 
 from the other barrel. Such, however, was the fear of the 
 urchins who used to go into the woods for the purpose 
 of digging for pig-nuts, climbing for chestnuts, gathering 
 wild strawberries, apples, raspberries, mushrooms — things 
 that would obviously be lost if not picked — that they 
 seldom risked any thing past the hollo." 
 
 Then the cat and vermin traps were so numerously 
 planted upon the estate, and their success so great, that 
 there was scarcely a dog, cat, or wandering little one, 
 that had not lost a toe, an ear, or a head. The spring 
 guns were only loaded with powder, it is true; but in 
 consequence of one of the amiable wires of one of these 
 trespass-antidotes being placed across the walk which 
 Miss Groveby used, when in her morning studies, and 
 she treading thereon, the gun blazed off, and though not 
 projecting a missile through the young lady's heart, the 
 joke was so amusing that she fainted. It must have 
 had the young lady's amusement in view, because, though 
 the wire lay in Mr. Walford's property, the gun was set 
 on that of Beechwood; being, indeed, in the boundary 
 hedge. Mr. Walford, not understanding well the anatomy 
 of joking, forsooth, construed all this into a very cruel 
 insult. Then his pigeons were very much thinned, and 
 still kept falling off. Mr. James Clough had been seen 
 to fire at his rabbits over his hedge, and Mr. Harecroft 
 to jump over and bag the slain. A heifer of his had 
 strolled into the park, and a rattling discharge at her 
 side of No. 4 shot was her reward. But, of Mr. Walford's 
 grievances, hereafter; it is of Mr. Harecroft we now 
 speak; he was the terror of the township, to both men
 
 THE LORI) OF THE MANOR. 271 
 
 and vermin; to the latter no wonder, for through his ac- 
 tivity, and about a ton of shot and powder — beside the 
 traps — the ends of the dog-kennels, barns, and all spare 
 walls, were covered with jays, hawks, fitchets, weasels, 
 cats' heads, dogs' tails, and divers other fragments, as 
 well as wholes of such objectionable animals ; poachers, 
 he said, should be nailed there by and by; at least, as 
 soon as he could get two or three or so hung: but it 
 must be confessed that whilst he was the terror of all 
 these, he was not only a favourite at the rectory, but 
 actually a confidant of the poiver of Beechwood. 
 
 Now, this industrious officer of the manor was cross- 
 ing a high stubble, when all at once a hare's run caught 
 his attention, and a gin in a gutter, the thick-soled, well- 
 ironed shoe, in which was his right foot, at the same 
 moment. He fell upon his face, as if he were shot, fear- 
 ing that some one might have done that to him Which 
 he had done to the cony snare, and suspected the great 
 discovery. He lay there some time, holding down his 
 dog, and after a while began to examine the manufacture 
 of the gin: there could be no doubt about it: it was 
 made by the very man, whom of all others he was so 
 anxious to catch — his youngest brother — the wily 
 Scut — the villain Scutty, the knowing Jem Harecroft. 
 His heart leapt for joy : his bowels, though a little empty 
 before, now felt comforted. But what, indeed, must 
 have been his ecstasies, when, on slily peeping a bit fur- 
 ther, there was pussy herself, hung, ginned, and for 
 market fit. So, from this, it would seem she had 
 managed to pass the wire the keeper's foot could not, 
 but was captured by the tightening embrace of the next. 
 
 Mr. Harecroft, when he had only found the gin, 
 thought that at early night-fall, he might creep along 
 the back of the next cop until he could get to some place 
 where he might lay in a couple of days' provisions; fear-
 
 272 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 ing that if Scut suspected anything, it might be that 
 time before the sly poacher came to look for the game. 
 But when he saw the said game secured, he felt that it 
 would not be safe to leave it, even for a second. He 
 was, therefore, resolved to spend the remainder of the 
 day, and if necessary, the whole night, in an adjacent 
 ditch; a place whence he could easily see, or shoot, Scut 
 when he came for the hare, that is, if Scut offered to 
 fly his presence. 
 
 The difficulty was how to make a passage, with his 
 dog, to his lurking place, he well knowing the nature of 
 Scut's operations; which was, never to make a descent 
 upon snared game, without first making a survey from 
 the highest tree approximate. The transit, then, must 
 be in the blind-worm fashion, crawling on his belly 
 until he had reached the desired cover. His dog, 
 " Bob," looked, as indeed he was, hungry ; but his master, 
 whispering a few savage curses as to the necessity of the 
 other's silence, tried to get a nap, knowing that Bob's 
 growl would warn him of any approach. 
 
 No, the intensity of his engagements prevented one 
 pinch of that solace, and his snuff being done, he could 
 not get a nip of that. And the head-keeper growled, 
 but then the warming thought came — if he should only 
 succeed; catch Scut, the manoeuvring Scut — oh, the 
 thought was too big to dwell upon. Night passed over; 
 forenoon; but, about mid-day, the keeper saw something 
 which cheered his soul, it was his brother Jem climbing 
 a tall poplar tree about two hundred yards off. 
 
 This was grand; now, there could be no doubt: — he 
 would soon be there for the prize. Day, however, again 
 approached to night; surely he had not been seen by 
 the villain: that was impossible: night again came: he 
 would be sure to come, as the game would not be much 
 improved by lying in a wet gutter; still the night
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR, 273 
 
 passed; but, at gray morn, there was a piano growl 
 from Bob; his master tightened his throat: the hedge, 
 next to the hare, was leaped, and in one moment, Scut, 
 for it was he, ran up to the hare, popped her into a bag, 
 and was going to make the readiest cut home, when 
 the most terrific " hollo" met his ears, and, ere he had 
 run another yard, bang went a shot: " there can be no 
 doubt," thought Scut, " but that I am mortally wounded 
 as I cannot feel where I am hit, and yet I know that our 
 Tom is too good a shot even to miss a woodcock, let 
 alone one the size of me." 
 
 Not only did Mr. Scut hear the report, but he almost 
 felt the series of oaths which followed; threatening him 
 that, if he moved another inch, he would have his head 
 splintered into starling pickings, and his hair shattered 
 into next year's adder seed. 
 
 Scut durst not move another stride with the bag. 
 He was captured. 
 
 Tom seized the guilty monster, and dragged him to 
 the rectory. The bag he closely tied, and then sealed it. 
 All the rabble, and indeed some of the better sorts, were 
 up to see the redoubted Scut committed to the county 
 gaol. The rector was delighted to hear of the im- 
 portant arrest. But it happening that Miss Clough 
 was to breakfast at the rectory, and the worthy in- 
 cumbent thinking that it might afford that charitable 
 lady a little amusement, the examination was deferred 
 in order that she might participate in its pleasures. In 
 the mean time the head-keeper had desired the presence 
 of the head-constable of Groveby, with a pair of hand- 
 cuffs and leg-manacles. 
 
 The next step was to cuff the prisoner's wrist with 
 one of the clasps, and the other to be placed upon that 
 of the bold capturer: the leg-irons were fixed the same 
 way, Mr. Harecroft saying, that a less stringent 
 
 T
 
 274 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 arrangement would not satisfy his conscience; for he 
 was convinced that, even with the additional guard of 
 the head-constable, his assistant, and two or three of the 
 grooms and cow-herds of the rectory, without great 
 caution. Scut would slip. 
 
 After all was complete, Mr. Harecroft was asked, 
 coaxingly, and feelingly, if he would not take a little new 
 milk, or something equally delicate, until his appetite, 
 after nearly fifty hours' starvation, could be brought to 
 endure some more cherishing food. Poor Bob, also, 
 met with great sympathy; so both had some milk 
 brought them from one of the cows in the adjacent ship- 
 pon; and as the warm libations ran up Bob's throat and 
 down the keeper's, so did the hot tears stream down the 
 agonized face of the ruined poacher: some of the mob 
 were so affected at seeing this, that they would have 
 offered him some of the comforting beverage, also, but 
 for fear of being accused as accessories after the fact ; or 
 colluding to avert the blow of Justice when in a savage 
 humour. 
 
 At nine. Miss Clough arrived, and was made ac- 
 quainted with the whole of the glorious news: she was 
 so delighted that she desired to be placed in some part 
 of the house in which she might behold the captured 
 monster, not of the deep, but the very deep monster who 
 had been so nobly captured. 
 
 The reason why she wished to see him without being 
 seen, was this; in two or three instances where a male- 
 factor of Groveby had succeeded in getting down upon 
 his knees and touching the hem of that lady's gown or 
 cloak — the ends of her boa as might be — those of justice 
 were put aside, and the wretch was pardoned. In early 
 life she had read of princesses doing similar acts even 
 to high-treason ers : was she less than they? Oh, no. 
 She had, however, long asked for an example, and
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 275 
 
 SO she would take care that Scut should not princess 
 her. 
 
 But this order came to all the high state-officers — that 
 the traitor must be examined at Beechwood; and so he 
 was at once moved thither. 
 
 The iron-bound twins marched first; next the attorney- 
 general, and the rest of the court: than the first, sure 
 Siam never produced a greater curiosity ! 
 
 The reason of this arrangement was, through a hint 
 given by the lady of the manor to that of the rectory, 
 that the scene might be of use ; that as a great num- 
 ber of commitments had taken place for poaching and 
 trespassing upon the manor, without Sir Kobert's know- 
 ledge, and as this was so startling a case, would it not 
 be useful, as tending to shake the baronet's theory — for 
 that he still wished the downfall of the game-laws, there 
 could be no doubt ; this might bring him to the other 
 side; and then, the future prosecutions could be carried 
 out by his consent and presence — one such commitment 
 would be worth them all. 
 
 This pleased the whole breakfast party; the meal was 
 soon brought to a finish; when the rector, and another 
 of the company — a county magistrate — with the ladies, 
 stepped into the Beechwood carriage, and soon arrived 
 at the hall. 
 
 The officers, prisoner, and mob were waiting. Sir 
 Robert had been apprised of the strange events, as he 
 was at his studies in the library — that is to say, feeding 
 his rabbits, and winding the silk from the cocoons of 
 his grubbery ; we mean the little colony of the silk- 
 growers. 
 
 Seeing the vast assembly in the court-yard, he de- 
 scended into the dining-room, anxiously awaiting the 
 arrival of his niece. Having once been a prisoner 
 himself — as the reader, if he will think of the Nore
 
 276 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 performance, will remember — he hated even the word, 
 and wished, in his own heart, he durst set the manacled 
 wretch at liberty. 
 
 Miss Clough soon arrived, and told her wondering 
 uncle every thing; " It was a dreadful case, but what a 
 blessins: that Thomas had cauo:ht the ruffian in the 
 horrid fact : 
 
 " Oh, what a valuable servant is Thomas Harecroft ! 
 " But what disinterestedness; catch his own brother ! 
 " Unparalleled in the history of the planet ! " 
 Miss Clough then ordered cook to make the loyal 
 keeper a strong-drink posset, lest he might be too faint 
 to give his evidence. And, before the court was 
 assembled, the whole case was discussed and animad- 
 verted upon, in the presence of Sir Robert. 
 
 Indeed, Sir Robert was obliged to admit, that Tom's 
 conduct was very, very — it was a damned clever trick ! 
 and — and — he hoped it might act as a warning. 
 
 And Sir Robert's words acted as a warming — to the 
 hearts of all present. 
 
 About half-an-hour after this, the court was formed : 
 the two quorum-men, with Sir Robert, sitting at the 
 head of the table ; their clerk, and Mr. James Clough, 
 sitting at each side ; Miss Clough, and other ladies at a 
 far corner of the room. 
 
 In a short time, the officers made way for the prisoner, 
 and his foot-by-leg keeper. The irons were then politely 
 taken off; this was done by the head-constable, and 
 that, too, without the intimation of any one present; 
 proving the knowledge he had of his business, and 
 eliciting the approval of all the great court dignitaries, 
 on the free-born-Briton principle. 
 
 This done, they were going to commence, when Sir 
 Robert said that he would have no close court ; so told 
 the attendant footman to repair to the court-yard, sum-
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 277 
 
 mon all there into the hall of justice, and then they 
 could see fair play. 
 
 All gladly obeyed; at least, all that could crush in. 
 
 Thomas Harecroft was then sworn ; not before he 
 had made a long and humble bow to the lady of the 
 manor, which she was graciously pleased to return with 
 a smile — and one, too, which doubtless was intended to 
 convey her extreme approbation. 
 
 Call truth 0, and the other extreme of the scale of 
 exaggeration 10 ; Tom got to 9 with an infinite series of 
 decimals, but could not quite get to the top ; that is, 
 in theory, but practically for all poaching-courts, quite 
 far enough. 
 
 When he had done, he wiped the sweat off his honest 
 brow, and good-tempered face. The tale amounted to 
 sublimity : nothing could be clearer than the prisoner's 
 atrocity, except, indeed, his indifference to the ajvful 
 situation in which the proceedings had involved him. 
 Indifference! it has since been satisfactorily ascertained 
 that he winked to one of his old acquaintances. 
 
 However, before his mittimus was signed, he was 
 asked if he had anything to say in his own defence. The 
 prisoner was softened by this act of humanity of the 
 court, wept, and said : 
 
 " Why, Sir Robert, I don't know what I'm brout here 
 for ; I've not yet bin able to larn yet, exactly." 
 
 This was considered impudent enough, certainly ; but 
 the chairman, who was as good as he was just, said, 
 " Surely, man, you have heard what the keeper has 
 sworn — that he saw you take a hare from a snare; and, 
 positively, that you put it into that sack." 
 
 " Mark, Sir Robert, what the good rector says ; he 
 says that Tom swore positively, that I put a hare into 
 that sack — that is, the hare I took off a grin : ]\ir. 
 Magistrate's clerk, just write that deaun, word for word."
 
 278 THE LORD OF THE MANOE. 
 
 " Oh, it is, already," said the amanuensis, with a 
 pretty smile. 
 
 " Word for word ? " 
 
 " Ditto for ditto." 
 
 " But what has this to do with your defence, man ? 
 this is only trifling with the court : have you anything 
 to say, either as to your innocence, or in mitigation?" 
 this was demanded by the dexter judge. 
 
 " Yes, gentlemen ; I have so much to say abeaut th' 
 first, that I think there will be no 'casion to say anythin 
 abeaut th' last." 
 
 " Go on, then ;" from the bench. 
 
 " Well 1 in the first place, I never took a hare out of 
 th' said grin ; and in th' second place, I never put th' 
 aforesaid hare into that sealed-up bag." 
 
 A roar of laughter at the prisoner's impudence; of 
 course made his case much worse. 
 
 " Silence i'th' court!" shouted out the head-constable. 
 
 ^^ Open the sack," coolly remarked the reverend 
 chairman. 
 
 The seals were taken off; (not a nose nor a lung blown,) 
 the string cut ; and out was pulled — every man's neck 
 — and, from the fatal sack — A deai> cat ! 
 
 Surprise jaw-locked each beholder's mouth, hand- 
 cuffed his hands, gyved his legs, and manacled his 
 nerves ; and thus he held the audience for some time : 
 and perhaps would have handed them, as their final 
 doom, to the lasting care of Petrifaction ; only a gentle 
 spirit was seen to flirt something out of Scut's eye, 
 which was recognised by several as a little Wink — a 
 small fairy, which, for cycles, has always been able to 
 give the go-out either to Surprise or Alarm, even when 
 banded about a lady's room by Jealousy. 
 
 Merriment gave Scutty's face a twist, and put his 
 tongue into one side of his mouth.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 279 
 
 Hage, Despair, and two or three other iron-faced 
 fellows, writhed the body of Tom Harecroft, until Dis- 
 tortion became envious, pulled down the corners of his 
 mouth, and made whipping-tops of his eyes. 
 
 Innocence was so delighted, that she turned the court 
 into a bell-loft, made their hearts into its instruments of 
 rejoicing, pulled stoutly at the strings, and tingle, jingle, 
 went the loud peal. 
 
 The baronet first began to cough out ; then to swear 
 out ; then to cry — shed tears ; and lastly, the court was 
 occupied in the deepest anxiety, as to whether the 
 paroxysm that had now so fast hold of him would be a 
 fit — fit to make a doctor's bill from ; or one, from which 
 even the most humble could take courage : let the 
 smotherino-s we have described — like the rumblino^s of 
 Etna — burst out at once, covering all opposition and 
 court dignity w4th the lava of their rejoicings. 
 
 We are happy to say that the baronet's fit was of the 
 latter sort ; he laughed and swore, swore, swore and 
 lausihed, until Miss Clouo;h said : 
 
 " Uncle, uncle, are you not ashamed to give way to 
 such a vulgar frenzied display of, no doubt, your real 
 feelings ? a nice triumph, truly — the trick of a villain ! 
 oh,fy; oh,fy!" 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha ; ha, ha, ha — damn me ! I shall ch — cho 
 — choke myself: here, Mr. Head-keeper — ho, ho, hoJ 
 str — i — p ! Scut is now the head-keeper !" 
 
 "Huzza!" by the mob — that is, what Miss Clough 
 called them. 
 
 " Strip, villain ! or I'll have you indicted for perjury, 
 in one instant; off with that green coat; a nice mess 
 you've made of it : and lying two — ha, ha, ha; ho, ho, ho! 
 — two days and — ho, ho ! — three nights, in a ditch ! 
 Strip, I say, villain ! perjure yourself against your own 
 brother ! a damned nice chance the poor lads in this
 
 280 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 manor would have, if you was allowed to run loose any 
 longer ; we should have one of 'em brought up for 
 shootin a pheasant, when, in point of fact, it was only a 
 cock-throstle! A blessed good job this is — come, sir, 
 off with your breeches — that it is the first conviction 
 through the false swearing of such a ruffian." 
 
 " Those are not a part of his livery. Sir Robert," said 
 the steward, meekly. 
 
 " Well, then, pull all off him that is ; and be in a 
 hurry over it, or else I'll order every one present to 
 assist jow. there now. Scut, you put them on; rather 
 too big! but you deserve preferment. There, my friends, 
 that is the head-keeper of Beechwood." 
 
 " Huzza — huzza I long live ScuT the First !"
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 281 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 After throwing off his coat and waistcoat, finding a 
 button which bore the Beechwood arms on one of his 
 gaiters, he tore off the legging ; the hat, also, he 
 slapped on the table ; and, thus disrobed, Harecroft 
 moodily left the room : he smashed out of the house by 
 one of the lawn windows, which had been opened to 
 admit air into the dis-oxygenized room. 
 
 The mob followed the ex-keeper. He walked sulkily 
 along, his hands in his breeches-pockets, looking at — 
 nothing — ^be it side-ways, before, or after ; putting iron 
 bars across his breast, to keep all the devils inside from 
 coming out to fight those which were hissing and yelling 
 after him outside : still he strided on ; still the rampant 
 mobbery capered after; and though rejoicingly, yet 
 they took that care that we do when we see pass a cap- 
 tured wild beast, or as little birds do around a predaceous 
 hawk. 
 
 Sunk, sunk from a tyrant to a slave; a slave without an 
 owner ! Nay, the mob began to feel that, though Revenge 
 had pushed behind, and Retribution was trying to dram 
 their brains, yet Pity was using her gentle interference, 
 showing, at least, that since there is no glory after the 
 chase, it was useless throwing the game to the dogs, 
 but noble to spare a life which had lost the power to 
 save itself.
 
 282 THE LOUD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 This was the growing feeling; when poor Bob — the 
 wretch's companion in the hour of watch — came running 
 up, and having breakfasted, began to spring round his 
 old master, wag his tail, and whine ; as though he were 
 saying : " You are going out without your gun." The 
 hint so enraged the savage, that he lifted up his iron- 
 bound shoe, and with it smashed two of Robert's ribs* 
 This made Mrs. Pity stare, and the mob to grumble — 
 quite as much as poor Bob did when he saw Scut jump 
 the hedo^e. The ladies and o-entlemen of the mob were 
 going to revenge the last piece of brutality, when one 
 said that they had better take care as to what they 
 did, as he verily believed that the dog was the keeper's 
 own; and that, therefore, he had a perfect right, if he 
 liked, to crack a rib or start an eye, whenever he felt 
 disposed. 
 
 Another, thought Bob was the property of Beechwood, 
 and what was more, was christened after Sir Robert 
 himself. 
 
 " O, O, O," said another, '^ if that is so, then Tum 
 deserves shootin on th' spot: it is sich a cruel thing." 
 
 "Well," said another: "but is it not as hard-hearted 
 a thing to pur (kick) his own dog as any other mon's?" 
 
 " Why, what a foo thou art : thou might as well say, 
 that it's as great a sin to beat thee own wife as any 
 other husband's!" 
 
 This produced a great laugh at the other speaker. 
 
 " Nay," said the first, " I'm not sich a simpleton as 
 that, neither." 
 
 These were the sorts of chats that were going on, and 
 some of the gentlemen had decided upon going off — to 
 their several homes, businesses, and what not, when 
 another case of tyranny and cruelty was enacted by the 
 disrobed pedestrian; one too that needed no subtlety 
 to define: in this affiiir, they could all run, or even
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 283 
 
 jump, and read. It would appear that there was a 
 young cat going through some of its gammocks upon 
 the steps of a granary, just as Mr. Harecroft arrived; 
 and he taking it for a full-grown cat, and wondering at 
 her audacity in standing her ground when the terrible 
 keeper was passing, began to feel for his gun, but 
 having left it at the manor, without doing the same to 
 his theory — of the necessity of all vermin destruction — 
 looked out for a stone, found a half-brick and hurled 
 it at the impudent imp — missed it — but the mob did 
 not the act. Here ivas a case: here there could be no 
 doubt: he was no longer a keeper: then what right had 
 he to shoot the cat, even if it had been sitting amongst 
 the flower-pots in the parlour window ? 
 
 " Hizz," and then — 
 
 Whizz go some bits and bats at the self-convicted 
 tyrant. 
 
 At this, Harecroft turned round, and swore that if 
 he could only find out who was the first devil that had 
 thrown the first bit of sod, he would rip up, not the 
 youth's waistcoat, but the fleshy part immediately under 
 that spruce garment. And, to show he was in earnest, 
 he pulled out his large, savage-bladed pocket-knife. 
 When the belligerents saw this, they receded, and 
 actually submitted to a slight chase by the knife-bearer: 
 but some had jumped the hedge and began to open fire 
 in the rear; and this, too, from a heap of miscellaneous 
 ammunition, which had been picked ofi'a newly-manured 
 meadow: — town manure — and therefore consisted of 
 broken pots, pieces of slate, smithy burs, scissor-blades, 
 bits of ancient mortar, fragments of pans, and other such 
 adulterations which too often characterize town-stuflTs 
 for grass lands. 
 
 With these they flanked, when, as soon as the front 
 durst re-act, even the foot-course-way was robbed of
 
 284 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 its boulders; and clatter went they at the assailed tiger: 
 he swore, tore ; and not being able to get a stab with 
 his knife, threw it after the nearest to him, a woman; 
 it ran through her cloak, and then he had to do the 
 same through a croft, in order to get out of the fire 
 which was now whisking from both front and rear. 
 
 The chase then commenced: by this manoeuvre the 
 savage got start about a hundred yards; and though he 
 had scores of times, himself, stood upon a gentle hill to 
 watch the fierce hounds turn round it and round it the 
 fainting doe, or grey-hound to grasp the tottering 
 hare, he waiting with a double-barrelled gun, to shoot, 
 should there be the slightest chance of escape, yet he 
 never felt more than now, the difference between being 
 hare and dogs — between being huntsman, hounds, gun, 
 and holloers on, and the thing that had to run before all, 
 and that too without breath, and little, very little life. 
 
 They near and near, and near: and get hotter, hotter, 
 and as the game well knew, from the process, savager 
 and bloodier — could they once catch. And though the 
 cunning prey had made a wonderful start, through the 
 trick of the croft, he now had got the river to cross; a 
 narrow one it is true, but it must be made, or he to 
 curse the hour he was put under a similar operation. 
 
 In he goes, and, after a frightful struggle, out he 
 comes; but then the howling pack had also crossed, by 
 running over a bridge about a quarter of a mile above — 
 losing much ground, yet not quite so much as the game 
 imagined, particularly when he found how much strength 
 he had lost in battling the river. The race is renewed 
 as well as the revenge shouts, and again, inch by halves, 
 the hounds gain ground, and, at once, would have taken 
 him in a large cheesing pasture, but for an amusing 
 incident, whi(;h was this; about sixty cows, with their 
 tails all cocked up, all ran after the fox, between game
 
 THE LOPwD OF THE MANOR. 285 
 
 and houndsj as may have often been seen in a real hunt ; 
 this completely baffled the pm-suit and saved his life. 
 
 The wretch scrambled through the bowling-green 
 hedge of the head-inn of Groveby; got over the yard 
 paling, through the brew-house, again, bolted the door 
 to cut off the hounds; next through the private entrance 
 into the house itself; locked the kitchen door; flew to 
 the front door, and with equal despatch made it, also, 
 secure; then fell down — slap upon the lobby floor. 
 
 There he lay for some time, until the landlady was 
 greatly alarmed, by the surrounding of the house by the 
 mob — she being in one of the bed-rooms at the time: 
 she hurried down stairs, and there saw the prostrate 
 wretch; but not discovering who he was, demanded the 
 cause of all she saw. To this the fierce hunters made 
 no reply, but tried to get in. It was not the first time 
 that a fox had been pursued through the house : gone 
 through it, and hounds after, both canine and human. 
 But this proceeding quite bothered the good lady's 
 notions of sporting etiquette. She summoned up Resolu- 
 tion and Fortitude at the same time, two good servants 
 in a crush; and going to the window, demanded the 
 cause of this attempt to resuscitate the old English 
 sports; or if it was intended to invent some very 
 wonderful new ones. 
 
 When the good lady heard that the multitude, 
 outside, were actually in chase of the head-keeper of 
 Beech wood; nay, still more shockiner, that that was the 
 head-keeper himself who lay upon the lobby floor, and 
 that the irascible mob, below, had the impudence to 
 assert, before her own eyes and years, that if she did 
 not let them come in, they would pull down the house, 
 and of course, involve her in the ruins, her blood coddled 
 and she said: all this she said: — 
 
 "Madmen, for the Lord's sake go to your whoms,
 
 286 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 and not to Chester Castle, there to be hung by the neck 
 until you be dead, dead, dead; and the Lord have 
 mercy upon your sowls — I mean — bodies — -what! at- 
 tempt to touch the head-keeper of the manor — " 
 
 ^^ Ha, ha, ha; ho, ho, ho!" from the mob. 
 
 " What, lauo:h? lauo^hin when I mention th' head- 
 keeper's name, Mester Harecroft! will you laugh just 
 now, beluded men, when I mention Sir Robert's?" 
 
 " No, no, no, not likely;" same fellows. 
 
 " Well, then, his head-footman, Mr. Jones, was here 
 this mornin for — for — barm (he had been for a glass of 
 gin), and he told me, with my own years, that Mr. Hare- 
 croft had made sich a captivation as was never made in 
 all Encrle— " 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha; ho, ho, ho!" as before. 
 
 " Oh, monstrous : your breasts are made of brass, 
 instead of wicker-work, which would then have allowed 
 my words, like akcid upon your copper hearts, to have 
 melted, softened them to repentance, and a forgiveness 
 of your sins. Get to the rectory, fall down on your leg 
 hinges, and deplore his pardon : after that, fly like doves 
 of peas; fall down on yer faces and bellies, to that sweet, 
 sweet, good charity lady — ah, I see you begin to feel 
 my words coming in, and sin goin out — ax her pardon 
 for yer little ones, and after that, for their sakes, a con- 
 clusion of yersels. And when all this is done, / will 
 try to get Mester Thomas Harecroft's forgiveness : — first 
 exploring it for mysel, for havvin the boldness to approach 
 his cold-flag side as he now lies in the lobby." 
 
 More giggles, when thus the speaker for the rabble: — 
 
 " And pray, Mrs. Speakman, who is the yed-keeper?" 
 
 " On the cold flags doth is warm body lie : and, as 
 Mr. Jones said, after this morning's rising star, I shouldn't 
 wonder if he should be the land-stewart." 
 
 Another series of incredibility-yells.
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 287 
 
 Huzzas were heard in the distance; and soon ap- 
 peared, in the royal attire of Beechwood's park-rangers 
 — Mr. Scut. 
 
 " Huzza," called out all present, when one said, " now 
 Mrs. Speakman, now, now you see th' Yed-keeper. 
 Beheld his cloo-oths!" 
 
 " Eh!" said the lady, " what does aw that mean?" 
 
 '' What does it mean? That the tyrant Tom is strip- 
 ped, turned out, and that Mr. James — how's Mary? 
 James, (Scut's wife) and that Mr. James Harecroft 
 Esquire, is now — hurrah, three times nine, lads — is th' 
 real yed-keeper of th' manor." 
 
 The lady threw up her eyes, clasped her hands, and 
 it is supposed said a few words to heaven ; it is thougiit 
 so, as her first remarks were these, " how mysterious are 
 thy ways!" ah, I see how things are now (aside). ^^Do 
 let me, howsomever, beg, my dear friends, that you .will 
 not kill that impident pow-cat, Tom — I'll open the door 
 to let you in, as I am sure you must be thirsty after 
 your run- — a nasty swatchiling fellow, to dare to come to 
 my house, and lay him down in my lobby, stop up my 
 passage without leave — wait until I come down." 
 
 The mollified mob did. 
 
 "Get up, you lazy, disgraceful load of hess-muck; 
 and, to think that, for the last three months, he has had 
 the compudence to come every night; sit in the private 
 bar as another gentleman; drink and spend just like one 
 — a up-start ! start up now : making all this confudgion, 
 and we are a-preparin for the court-leet of Sir Robert 
 Yernon, night and morrow-night : a pity that ever poor 
 Ellen should have bin tied to sich a lubbocks — a decent 
 girl shoo was afore she knew him — I always said he was 
 the rufFan who shot our cat : roll him to one side, ladies 
 and gentlemen, and then you can get past without 
 nastying your feet, same as walkin past a middin in
 
 288 THE LORD OF THE MANOK. 
 
 wet weatlier. How do you do, ]Mr Scutty — Mr. James 
 Harecroft? I always said — didn't I? now ask every body 
 in the house — that you would be inventually the head- 
 keeper of the manor. 
 
 " Pray, Mr. James Harecroft, how's Mary? shoo was 
 here yesterday, and I telled her to go into the brewery, 
 and pick herself some grains to feed her pigeons on — ^" 
 
 " Come, come," said one of the mob, " Mrs. Speakman, 
 I thought you was praising Mester Tliomas Harecroft, 
 just now?" 
 
 "Ay, so I was, Mester impident face; but then, it 
 was when I thought he was Mester Harecroft; a gentle- 
 man in favour with the dear lady of the manor, and not 
 an excurded piece of scum — in short, when he was 
 Thomas, and not Turn,'*
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 289 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The glorious court-leet day arrived at last, and all was 
 bustle at Groveby ; and we may be sure there was much 
 " confudgion" at the head-hotel, the Beechwood-Arms — 
 the scene of our last page. 
 
 The preparations had really been on a mighty scale, 
 consisting, for the gastronomic part of the ceremony, of 
 a couple of bucks, and as many wethers, three noble 
 beeves; and then, as for poultry and game, oh, nothing 
 could be finer, nor in greater abundance. Turtle, and 
 all Frenchified dishes, were carefully excluded, all 
 knowing the detestation which Sir Robert entertained 
 against anything French, however skilfully prepared. 
 
 The wines were the choicest that the ancient cellars 
 of Beechwood could produce; not that they were of 
 much consequence, for, after the cloth was removed, 
 punch was to be the kick of the festival ; and kick it was, 
 as will be seen. And done in unflinching quantities, 
 too. 
 
 The carriage of Beechwood was soon on the spot; 
 and soon after, was that of the family's attorney — Mr. 
 Pinchet Hadcock, from Chester. There was, also, the 
 family local attorney; the young man who attended 
 upon the great poaching case, and who, at all such times, 
 was at such times, similarly employed. Indeed, he only 
 kept a sort of jobbing law-shop — a mere cobbler's as 
 
 u
 
 290 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 compared with that of the great county agent — Pinchet 
 Hadcock, Esq. 
 
 With this latter gentleman was his son, a brisk young 
 gentleman — reared to the law — learned — as all lawyers 
 are — jejune, and in other ways promising, as all young 
 lawyers are. They had with them a reporter for one 
 of the Chester papers. 
 
 Mr. Pinchet Hadcock was a stout bustling man: his 
 abdominal viscera being well developed, as well as the 
 other criteria which denote good living, a comfortable 
 state of the mental arrangements, and, in short, an 
 agreeable, if not an unusual, admixture of the sensual 
 and the sensitive; of the romantic and the solid ap- 
 preciation of life. For, though the whiteness of his head 
 would predicate age, yet the rubicundity of his face 
 saved him from the sneer, that his life would be either 
 short, or unsatisfactory whilst it lasted. 
 
 He was as intensely satisfied with the length of his 
 purse as he was of the brevity of life : that, though he 
 must eventually die, there was no use in doing it whilst 
 he lived: at all events, such a course would be perfect 
 insanity where such dinners as that before him were 
 provided — and he was paid too, for coming to eat it. 
 
 The first thing that Mr. Hadcock did, after the usual 
 condescensions on those occasions, was to ask if Morton, 
 the school-master, were present — he of the Latin oration 
 — and, when told he was in the next room, he said to 
 Sir Robert, in a sort of a side whisper, " as there are two 
 tables, in separate rooms, perhaps this will be the best 
 arrangement. You will take the head of the principal, 
 I shall be happy to face you: your steward must take 
 the head of the other, and — this is the spirit of the day 
 — learning must be encouraged, patronized, (it will do 
 you good, sir,) and so Morton must face Mr. James 
 C lough at the other table."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 291 
 
 " As you like," replied the baronet, " I believe he is a 
 very quiet man: a devil of a scholar, and a damned 
 decent fellow." 
 
 " Call in Morton," said Mr. Hadcock to one next the 
 door. " Oh, Morton," continued he to the school-master, 
 as he came forth in great humiliation, with hat off, and 
 knees tottering as he neared the great lawyer, " I am 
 happy to hear that Groveby has the good fortune to 
 have such men as you amongst the number of its citizens: 
 learning and good conduct (I perceive the press is 
 already taking cognizance of what I say) are qualities of 
 suchinestimable observance that, at my wish, it has pleased 
 your transcendent lord of the manor to ordain, and to 
 request, that you will face your invaluable steward at the 
 other table; and, I am sure, that the experience and 
 bearing of the one, the learning and love of the ancient 
 house of Vernon on the part of the other, will enable, 
 cause, and direct the honours, comforts, and pleasures of 
 the table to a wholesome, hospitable, and desirable end." 
 
 (Great applause) ! So the Chester reporter wrote, 
 whilst Mr. Morton hobbled out his thanks, stops, and 
 broken-backed words, to the grand man: one who, it 
 was very well-known, was in the habit of being consulted 
 by the judges themselves when bothered upon a law- 
 point at Chester assizes. As to county magistrates, 
 phit! they were only liis magistrates — though he was 
 kind enough to set them to work, not only for the good 
 of the county, but for each other's preserves and new- 
 roads. 
 
 No wondering that the learned Mr. Morton trembled 
 more on this occasion than on the solemn and shaky 
 one when he took to wife the lady who was called Mrs. 
 Morton. Yes, but he told the said wife, as well as two 
 or three husbands of similar beings, of that day's honour. 
 Of course, he tells it to his children now.
 
 292 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 If he had known the real motive of this arrangement, 
 he, perhaps, (there is no knowing,) might not have been 
 so uplifted; as he was placed in another room, not 
 through his far-famed knowledge of Latin, but that he 
 might not discover any wrong quantities in the scraps of 
 it with which Mr. Hadcock — and more particularly his 
 lean son — were going to favour the good farmers and re- 
 tainers of Beechwood. As to the reporter, he might, or 
 he might not, know the smell of that language from 
 lundyfoot, but it was equally a matter of indiiference 
 whether he did or did not; only let him breathe, let 
 alone sniggle out, and it would be the last blow out 
 that he would ever have, through the instrumentality of 
 the Hadcocks. 
 
 Now was formally introduced to the people of 
 Groveby, the young man just named, as the successor of 
 the great Pinchet Hadcock, Esquire. This was ne- 
 cessary, in order that the tenantry of Beechwood should 
 know the man who was ordained to watch and regulate 
 the pendulums of their respective destinies. Of course 
 it was soon enough to make his speech when his health 
 was drunk after dinner. 
 
 Before that great event, however, the court was 
 opened, and the parties, under the influence of its 
 jurisdiction, were then very solemnly told, by the junior 
 Hadcock, that these courts were of amazing antiquity 
 • — certainly mentioned in Doomsday-book, as well as our 
 glorious cestres lire. " Now, the ancient objects of 
 these courts — and which I deeply regret are not carried 
 out as the great wisdom of our forefathers intended — 
 were to take cognizance of false weights, measures, 
 damming up or misdirecting water-courses, encroach- 
 ments, nuisances, disputes — I will not say," added the 
 learned speaker, jocularly, " between baron and feme — " 
 
 "No," said the elder Hadcock, with a laugh at his
 
 THE LOKD OF THE MANOR. 293 
 
 son's wit, " that would certainly be coram non judice" 
 and then the good lawyer laughed outright, as did the 
 son, as did the reporter, as did the baronet, whilst the 
 tenantry nearly choked themselves : such wit they had 
 never heard before ! 
 
 " Well," said the opener of the court, " I shall not trou- 
 ble you with a de novo, but proceed; these courts, then, 
 were for the regulation of what I have said! The 
 management of pounds; the appointment of assessors, in 
 cases of damage done by cattle getting into their neigh- 
 bour's lands, levant and couchant: wealth that may be 
 found, or frauds against, at all times — not in a qui tarn 
 sense — his sacred majesty and your inestimable landlord. 
 
 " Call in Mr. Clough." 
 
 Mr. James Clough was walked into the room. 
 
 " This gentleman," continued Junior Hadcock — 
 *^your landlord's steward, is the JUDGE of this cojurt; 
 and gentlemen, his decisions are as binding and impera- 
 tive as those of any other judge of the land." 
 
 " Quamdiu se bene gesserit,^ remarked the papa of the 
 last speaker. 
 
 " Just so," replied the son. 
 
 " No deaut whatere; a judge mun do nothin at 
 randum, or guess at it,^^ observed one of the most ancient 
 of the farmers present. 
 
 The new judge bowed with great dignity, but still 
 with sufficient complacency, to prove to all, that, though 
 it was now his province to play at judge, and theirs at 
 criminal, yet he would not be over hard with them. 
 
 " Well, then, gentlemen, by handing over the usual 
 small-fees to your steward as proof of tenure, and right 
 of lordship, on the part of Robert Vernon, Esquire, 
 commonly called Sir Robert Yernon — and then we have 
 done." 
 
 " Ha, ha," (then thought Sir Robert,) " it appears that
 
 294 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 a baranet is a squire also; it's well that they knew 
 that, though I did not." 
 
 Mr. Clough, then, as we have seen him desired, went 
 and dignified the other table: and here we must inform 
 the reader that, before he left home, the lady of 
 the manor had taken him into a private room, had 
 lectured him about two things: the first had the usual 
 freight; " not to allow any one, on any pretence what- 
 ever, to speak in private to their uncle," and above all, 
 not to let " a written communication be placed in his 
 hands," The other was — and if he did not attend to 
 this, though for the first time, she would send him 
 home — " to keep sober." 
 
 Mr. Clough was resolved to obey in both instances; 
 he knew as well as his sister the danger of allowing a 
 communication with the baronet; and now, since his 
 new appointment to the judgeship, he was resolved, on 
 his own account, to keep the second promise — he would 
 he sober. To be drunk on the bench would never do, 
 and though merely presiding over table-festivities, still, 
 since he was to judge the guests in after times, why 
 might they not, in the present instance, be doing a bit 
 at him. 
 
 He was resolved. 
 
 Therefore, since, to begin with, he must get his hand 
 steady, his carving hand too, he found that it would 
 not be prudent to take more than a noggin of brandy; 
 of course privately in the bar. The brandy behaved 
 well; no physician was ever more skilful. 
 
 He, being right, was determined that every one else 
 should be so; for the truth is, that James had all the 
 little notions of despotism which were possessed by his 
 sister Barbara, only the beverages of which he partook, 
 not permitting him that time for their exercise, which 
 were fostered through her sober habits, he could not
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 295 
 
 work the screw so well — certainly had never manifested 
 anything like the finish in his performances which had 
 given such renown to those of the lady of the manor. 
 
 The dinner was served, and grace being said in 
 one room by Pinchet Hadcock, Esquire — an imposing 
 sight in an attorney, or rather for those who witnessed 
 the dutiful act — and in the other by the new judge — 
 all fell to: and that, too, in a manner worthy of men 
 who hold the ancient Cheshire axiom, that hearty, 
 quick eaters, are the most industrious and skilful work- 
 men. 
 
 In an English, nay, in a county sense, both tables did 
 honour to the giver of the great feast. 
 
 And now where, a little before, the cloth lay, were 
 heaps of fruit and two guinea-bowls of punch : 
 
 The same on the other table. 
 
 And those who can eat well, can drink well, so say 
 the Cheshire aphorists: thus their syllogism; a good 
 eater-and-drinker is a good worker; a Cheshire man is 
 a splendid hand at both; hence a Cheshire man is the 
 most industrious of living creatures. 
 
 After the royal, loyal, and lord-high-sheriiF-of-the- 
 county toasts had been drunk, Mr. Hadcock proposed 
 the health of all the neighbouring gentlemen; par- 
 ticularly those who were, and those whom he wished to 
 be, his clients. And then he gave some social toasts. 
 " Friends on both sides the Dee," probably meaning 
 Cheshire and Wales. " The ladies, for what could we 
 do without them? " " The Cheshire dairy maids" — 
 
 " ' For what could we do without 'em ? ' " added a 
 farmer, and this a little waggishly too : which, of course, 
 produced the usual intense merriment. 
 
 " The farmers who turn Cheshire-cheese into 
 London-gold." 
 
 One of the tenantry was desired by Mr. Hadcock to
 
 296 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 respond to this toast, and he did so by saying that, 
 though old, still he hoped to see the day when real 
 Cheshire cheese, first dairies, would fetch a guinea a- 
 pound (tumultuous rejoicing), nay, further, that he had 
 no doubt they would, from a note that he had that day 
 received from his son, a young gentleman that was 
 then serving his time to a druggist and chemist in 
 London (read, read, read) ; he would do so. 
 
 " ' Dear father and mother — ^I have just time to write 
 that I have made another discovery which will be of 
 amazing use to you, since you tell me, in your last, 
 that you intend to show two pigs and the stallion at 
 the next agricultural exhibition: fizz (viz.) curd, when 
 ready for cheesing, contains round O (cipher) parts milk, 
 30 carbon, 5 oxygen' — (now, my friends, who would ha 
 thout that either a ox or gin had out to do we it; but 
 you see what this new soy-and-tiffic farmin will do for 
 us) — (hear, hear, hear, hear, from the Hadcocks) — 
 ^3 hydrogen,' (heifer's milk no deaut) — *and 11 nitrogen,' 
 (salt peter, and gin again). ' I intend in my next to 
 prove that muriatic akid (acid) is better for curding than 
 rennet: you can read this invaluable paper at any of 
 your great agricultural meetings, so please send me ten 
 pounds by return of post, and then I will put you up to 
 another move or two; which, that they may be of use 
 to you, and astonish the other bumpkins of Cheshire, I 
 remain your affectionate and dutiful son — (send twenty, 
 if convenient) John Calfmaw. P. S. — don't forget the 
 note.' " 
 
 " A truly invaluable paper," said Pinchet Hadcock, 
 Esquire, " science in these things cannot be too much 
 encouraged. I propose, Mr. Chairman, that it be laid 
 upon the table."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 297 
 
 The baronet assented. 
 
 And the sire of Johannes Calfmaw, the great shemistj 
 did the same. And, in the course of the evening, the 
 paper was stolen for portfolio purposes: we shall not 
 involve ourselves by saying by whom, but we know it 
 went to Chester that night, and there suffered great 
 admiration. 
 
 Mr. Hadcock then arose, and said, " Now, gentlemen, 
 for the toast of the evening (great excitement, and so 
 there might, for they were discussing the third couplet 
 of bowls of punch). If there be one thing that dis- 
 tinguishes this land more than another, from another, 
 it is the amity, comity, and positive adunation, that ever 
 exist between the higher classes and the middle, they 
 again with the labouring; court-leets and rent-days 
 proving the first (great applause), harvest-homes and 
 going to church, the latter; (the Chester paper said, 
 just here, that the learned speaker was deafened with 
 raptures) what a noble, what an enervating sight, heart- 
 thrilling feeling; the real, the only, posse comitatus of this 
 much famed country. Go into any restaurant on the con- 
 tinent, and what is the first thing asked for after dinner ? 
 ^ Fromage du Cheshire*: yes, my friends, if ever anything 
 will reconcile the ancient animosities of France and 
 England, ^ Fromage du Cheshire' must be the rallying 
 word — that is, the cheese — " 
 
 A voice, " Bread would never have been known but 
 for it." 
 
 "Well, be patient, friend: I shall not dwell — ^I see 
 the intense excitement around me; the great and good 
 name is anticipated — I feared it would; well then, 
 gentlemen, in few, I will propose the health of the man 
 who finds you the soil, upon which grows the grass, that 
 feeds your cows, which give the milk that produces 
 
 Vol. I.— U.
 
 298 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 that delicious beverage, whey, in such flooding copious- 
 ness that pigs often burst with it — and above all pro- 
 duces the sacred name of cheese. Here, then, is the 
 health of the manor's lord; nine times nine: waiter, 
 announce the glorious tidings in the next room; up- 
 standing, heads off, huzza!" 
 
 And the ceremony was gone through, all the bodies 
 reeling as if their heads were off; the baronet shouting 
 among the rest, until reminded, by the junior lawyer, 
 and then he sat down. 
 
 The applause, all over the house, was certainly 
 rorious ; a fiddle and fife in the tap, playing *' th' oud 
 hundredth." 
 
 The baronet rose to return gratitude, so said: 
 
 '^ Gentlemen, you only prove yourselves to be cheeses, 
 and see if I don't turn out bricks! We'd have a tuck- 
 out of this sort, every week, but for the infernal cats of 
 women — mind, I named no names. It's not pleasant 
 for the mice to play at tick when the cats are for eating 
 all that cannot get to timber (mew); you can do 
 nothing for them: if you eat — ^oh, you'll have the 
 gout,' if you drink ' oh, you'll have the head-ache' — you 
 can never get to timber (roars of laughter, led on by 
 the elder lawyer, of course); if you take a ride in the 
 carriage — they must ride with you — to keep you from 
 winking to the young girls, or pulling up at the ale- 
 house. (Hear, hear). If you go a-fishing, they must take 
 their netting — no getting to timber — nor ever will do — " 
 
 " Yay, at last, Sir Kobert," called out one from the 
 other end. 
 
 " When?" shouted the baronet. 
 
 " When they put us in our coffings.'* 
 
 " No, the cats have invented lead ones, so to keep 
 you from timbering even in your grave*"
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR* 299 
 
 Thunders of applause. 
 
 " But, gentlemen," continued the baronet, " for the 
 honour you have done to me, and to show you that, 
 for once in our lives, we can get to the ivood, and to 
 prove to you how I love being in such good company, 
 and how much you are to my liking — and we'll have 
 twenty more such stirs yet — I'll not drink the health of 
 the ladies — only, such as will let us timber — but, gentle- 
 men, watch my fist, do as I do, and say as I say : fill 
 your glasses: are you ready? (yes, yes) now then," 
 and down went the baronet's fist upon the mahogany, 
 and that with a bang — " Timber I " 
 
 "Timber!" 
 
 "Timber!" 
 
 " Timber!" and slap went the hand of every gentle- 
 man present; " timber," being the pass-word. And 
 then, bowls of double strength were slily ordered by ^he 
 last speaker. 
 
 And now a marling company, at front, sing some of 
 their marling songs — and drink some of the punch too. 
 
 The lady of the manor was next drunk; proposed 
 by the elder, and most eloquently responded to by the 
 younger, Hadcock. 
 
 Then did the same young gentleman sing a very 
 facetious ditty, all about a milk-maid and a miller. 
 
 Then was drunk the health of the illustrious Pinchet 
 Hadcock, Esquire; his virtues, and his services to his 
 country, duly enumerated — all of which we should have 
 given, only the subject was done better justice to, in the 
 same Chester organ we have hinted at before, and to 
 which we now refer the curious. 
 
 The baronet whispered to his footman, as to how Jim 
 was getting on in the next room, whether sober or not, 
 or likely to keep so. 
 
 George reported all right, but then, if Sir Robert
 
 300 THE LORD OP THE MANOE. 
 
 had looked, he would have seen that George was not, 
 "all right": for the fact is, not only had he been imi- 
 tating the joviality of his master, but so had nearly all 
 the other servants of the court, particularly the coach- 
 man: they had invited also the rectory servants, who, 
 to do them candour, were doing ample honour to the 
 hospitality of their brethren of the manor. Then they 
 again invited lots of their village acquaintance — places 
 whither they went a-sitting at nights; a-courting, and 
 the like: so that the kitchen was as well filled as the 
 tap; the tap, as either of the great banqueting halls. 
 
 Miss Clough had her spy there, nevertheless, who 
 rode to the hall with half-hourly bulletins — said nothing, 
 though, of Sir Robert's speech: said that Mr. James 
 was perfectly sober, and likely so for to keep. 
 
 The lady was satisfied; but still wished the foolish 
 night over. 
 
 Things had thus gone on glowingly, and, no doubt, 
 would have ended so, but for an accident at the second 
 table, caused whilst drinking the health of the lord of 
 the manor. It occurred in this way. A young man 
 named Lawrence, when pledging the toast, merely 
 drank that of " Mr. Robert Vernon." This did not 
 strike any one particularly save the chairman, Mr. 
 James Clough, and he affected to take no notice of it: 
 after about the thirtieth glass of punch, he did take 
 notice of it. 
 
 Now, this young Lawrence was the son of one of those 
 small squires that are to be found up and down rural 
 England: — gentlemen who farm their own estates, and 
 have a thousand or two in the bank. He was, in all 
 respects, a splendid young fellow, and though reared 
 on the farm, had great taste for music, the arts, and 
 literature. Played the organ at Groveby Church 
 (of course gratuitously), kept a single hunter, was
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 301 
 
 remarkably handsome, a splendid singer, and his age was 
 from about twenty-five to twenty-seven. Was alike 
 the favourite of his family-circle as he was of the neigh- 
 bours, and particularly the poor. Had watched the 
 poaching prosecutions of Beechwood with great disgust, 
 and though Miss Clough went to church more for the 
 purpose of seeing him than even the rector himself, still, 
 (perhaps singular to say,) he had conceived a great 
 abhorrence of that lady. 
 
 He was, moreover, cousin, on the mother's side, to 
 Ellen Groveby, and so was particularly intimate with 
 her grand-father, Mr. Walford: nay, it w^as known he 
 was down in that gentleman's will, not only for a legacy, 
 but as an executor. Also, he had (through business) 
 been in the vicinity of the Wiches, and had learned a 
 little more of the character of the Cloughs than he liked, 
 and much more than they would have liked. 
 
 It may be asked why (under all of these) he ac- 
 cepted an invitation, or even honoured the Beechwood 
 court-leet. Because his family had always done so; 
 besides, he would not be the first to show bad neighbour- 
 ship; nor be alike a-head in discovering the trifling 
 foibles of the Cloughs: — well knowing, as a prudent 
 young man, that they would discover themselves soon 
 enouo-h. It would not suit his position, then, to be first 
 to give cry. In this spirit, he would insist on sitting at 
 the second table, though we must say, that not only the 
 baronet, but both the Hadcocks, had desired, nay, 
 pressed him to honour the first. 
 
 After the thirtieth glass, or, as we have said, there- 
 abouts, Mr. James Clough demanded, with his eyes look- 
 ing alittle savagely too — for there were other things which 
 had given offence to the new judge besides Mr. Law- 
 rence's negligence in the toast affair — why Mr. Lawrence 
 drank only " Mr. Vernon" instead of " Sir Eobert— "
 
 302 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 The young gentleman said the reason was, because 
 he respected the host of the evening, and knew of no 
 better way than that of using sincerity to gain a return 
 of the same feeling: though others had, some through 
 intention, others ignorantly, deluded the new landlord, 
 he would not. Since, if there was nothing so well as 
 giving things their right name, why should he do wrong 
 to a well-disposed man, by not only making him an 
 exception to the rule, but by actually giving him a nick- 
 name. 
 
 Mr. Clough got furious, and swore that if the other 
 did not, at once, drink the baronet's health, and that 
 too in set language, " Sir Robert Yernon's good health," 
 he would commit him for contempt of court. 
 
 Mr. Lawrence cracked out into a very merry chuckle. 
 This caused Mr. Clough to wax wrathy, and after 
 swallowing two more goblets of punch, he swore, and 
 by his maker, too, that if the other did not comply, or 
 make an apology, he would ram the punch-bowl down 
 his throat. 
 
 This caused Lawrence to laugh more clamorously 
 than ever: Clough made a blow at him, but it fell short. 
 Lawrence saw that the madman — for by this time he 
 was little else — was determined upon hostilities, and 
 not wishing to be involved in the lumber of chairs, 
 tables, goblets, and punch-bowls — in short, being re- 
 solved upon a clear field — rushed out of the room, and 
 bade the other follow. 
 
 Clough did, in despite of all that could be said or 
 done: stripped in the good old Cheshire fashion, and 
 soon was out at the front of the hotel. 
 
 Lawrence prepared himself, and being both a good- 
 tempered, and determined man, took care that, valuable 
 as was the last quality, he would mind that the first did 
 not get crossed. And that is the way to win. He well
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 303 
 
 knew that his drunken foe would make the usual rush, 
 and he also knew that, if he managed nicely to fib him 
 somewhere under the jaw, it would make a funny im- 
 pression. And as the rencontre is taking place exactly 
 at the back of the chairman of the great table — that is, 
 at the front of the hotel — we will go into his merry 
 company, and see how all are enjoying themselves. 
 
 The truth is, they were getting noisy, though in the 
 extreme of good fellowship ; but when we say that each 
 man had swallowed a third of a bowl, as well as dinner 
 wine, and beer, we need not wonder if all were getting 
 into the earlier stages of boonship, at least. 
 Combatants have got to work! 
 A terrible shout. 
 
 " What the deuce is that?" demanded the baronet, 
 "surely the marlers have not got to fighting: George, 
 what's to do ?" 
 
 The fuddled waiter ran to see. 
 
 The senior Hadcock was also most anxious to know 
 what was to do: he had ordered out his carriage ten 
 minutes before, and was going to make a parting speech 
 and then for Chester, when — 
 
 George came in and said, it was only a wrestling- 
 match — that — that was all. 
 
 " Are you drunk, George?" asked the baronet," because 
 I suppose I must go when Hadcock does, or else yon 
 cat will play — why, what the deuce is that ? " 
 
 And in one moment, smash goes the whole window 
 behind him — over him into the room, and with it, we 
 are sorry to relate, the new judge, heels over head, 
 rolly-polly, on to the table; part of him in ,the punch 
 bowl — the one before the chairman — and the other parts 
 of him where they could best lie — on the baronet — up 
 and down: the fact being, that he had received a dread- 
 ful counter hit from Lawrence, and so, was not only 
 
 Yot I.— U.
 
 304 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 knocked through the window as we have seen, but the 
 window, also, was forced amidst the jolly company. 
 
 When the baronet could make out where he was, and 
 what had been to do, he first began to swear, but after 
 a time, got into one of his boisterous laughs : said his 
 nephew was a cursed nice judge; ordered the waiters 
 to carry him to the pump — ^laughed the same as he did 
 when Scut turned the tables on his brother — bade the 
 attorneys good night ; called for a comic song, and said 
 80 soon as the window could be a little arranged, the 
 evening should commence — and in earnest, too. 
 
 "I am glad those scamps of attorneys are gone: 
 I hate every thief amongst them: what the deuce must 
 we have lawyers here for, when we come here to en- 
 joy ourselves? a nice way, truly, for the rabbits to 
 invite the foxes to be of their merry-makings. Gen- 
 tlemen, I will give ^ down, down, and be damned to every 
 lawyer, and hangman in — in'" — seeing for the first 
 time the small Groveby attorney, who had not retired 
 with his distinguished brethren of Chester — " as I 
 see there is one left, I'll not be unviduOus — I was 
 going to say, ^ in this parish,' but I'll now say, ^ in all 
 the world.'" 
 
 This was drunk w^ith great applause, the little 
 attorney, of course, being quite as merry as the rest: 
 but he soon slily left the room to see the state of affairs 
 at the pump, and not only did he so, but sent an express 
 to the manor — knew it would be acceptable to Miss 
 Clough — informing her that it might be well if the lilve 
 hasty message were despatched to the court-leet, for the 
 purpose of ordering out the baronet's carriage, and with 
 it the proprietor and new judge. 
 
 The fun at the head-table had not advanced far, when 
 the counter express arrived, with a desire that Mr. 
 Fribble — the attorney — would confer the great happi-
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 305 
 
 ness on Miss Clough, by at once seeing the carriage 
 laden with her dear uncle and brother; also, by stepping 
 into it himself, and riding up to Beechwood. 
 
 Hoped the servants would be sober and steady, 
 and — 
 
 That he would not delay a minute. 
 
 There was a grand commission! All was done as 
 desired : the coachman and footmen mounted, the 
 baronet placed inside the state coach; so was Mr. 
 Fribble, he throwing out a hint, however, to the land- 
 lord, that he thought it would be better to displace the 
 Beechwood coachman, and send a sober car-driver in his 
 place. 
 
 This the Beechwood charioteer heard, and so was 
 resolved to show whether he was sober or not: no one 
 should drive his cattle but himself; the footmen would 
 not dignify the dickies if any one else drove — and*so 
 seeing all were resolute, and Mr. Speakman giving it as 
 his opinion that all would arrive safely, and that Charles 
 was a good whip — Mr. Fribble agreed. 
 
 The baronet kicked a good deal at having to leave 
 the fun so soon, but when informed, by the attorney, 
 that there had been two expresses from Beechwood — 
 he, not without an oath or two — gave in. 
 
 Forty people assisted in getting the carriage ready, 
 and as many in helping the good folks into it, and upon 
 it. As to the new judge, he was quite unconscious of 
 what was going on, and the baronet swearing he should 
 not ride inside, he was hoisted into the back dicky; sit- 
 ting with the butler. 
 
 The attorney jumped in, sat opposite the lord of the 
 manor, and — 
 
 All was right : that is, all were right and ripe for any- 
 thing: and the horses knowing this right well, and 
 being in the best of keep and spirits, as well as getting 
 
 X
 
 306 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 half a dozen cuts, cross-ways, oblique-ways, and dislik- 
 ing coachy's strange-ways, went off at a prance, and in 
 seven seconds were in a nice slashing gallop. 
 
 " Huzza," by all Groveby. 
 
 It was soon a question (amongst the horses) which 
 bay gelding could gallop fastest — but this did not deter 
 the whip from efforts at forcing speed. 
 
 Anthem from the passengers: " We are such as were 
 ne'er before." 
 
 It was a dark night, but then the team knew the 
 way, whether Charles did or not — only let it be clear, 
 gates open, and then nothing could go wrong; if they 
 are not so, they must be jumped: whiz they go, until 
 they come to a remarkably acute turn at the corner of 
 Groveby church-yard; but then Charles was as 'cute 
 as the angle, and so round he went, and nearly over he 
 went — the two near wheels not touching the ground for 
 twenty yards; but the speed did it, and in a few 
 minutes after, the lawn of the manor was made; the 
 draw up was sudden, and one of the footmen, not being 
 equally prompt in stopping the speed within him, went 
 at the rate the carriage had done eight yards before it 
 had ceased its journey: well, that was an accident and 
 of no great concern, as he fell upon the soft grass-plat, 
 and so would be sure to be found in the morning. 
 
 The baronet and Mr. Fribble were received in vast 
 delight by Miss Clough herself; for though several ser- 
 vants ran, when they heard the arrival, she could not 
 help taking a candle and going to the carriage-door. 
 
 The two gentlemen alight. % 
 
 " But, uncle, where is James ? " asked the lady. 
 
 " How the hell should I know ! what the devil must 
 you make us come home so soon for ? just as we were 
 getting jovial — " 
 
 " Oh, I think it was quite time ; but, Mr. Fribble,
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 307 
 
 where is my brother?" still demanded the lady of the 
 manor. 
 
 " Oh ! he's in the dicky, behind, Madam ; stay, I 
 will assist," said the small attorney. 
 
 The lights were all lifted up, as well as all the eyes 
 present, of the sober. The dicky was in its place, as 
 well as the butler in his, but certainly not Mr. James 
 Clough. 
 
 " Why, butler, you drunken fellow, where is my 
 brother?" 
 
 " Hug, kug, hug !" 
 
 " Cease your besotted laugh; a nice thing. Sir Robert, 
 to bring your servants home in this state — ^" 
 
 ^' It — is — it's not me as i — s — s — s tip — top — sy, it's 
 Char — les, as drove at — at such — such a rate, that he 
 spilt him. He could not spill me, though; ha, ha, ha, ha! 
 I stick, stuck — huk — kuk to — too well; but Mr. James 
 flew like a mill-stone; ho, ho — " 
 
 " Spilt him, wretch ! where ? tell me, at once, or I'll 
 discharge you on the spot." 
 
 " Damn me if you will, though ! " exclaimed the 
 baronet, " why didn't he hold on ? ha, ha, ha ! knocked 
 through a window, and now spilt; ha, ha! (imitating 
 Miss Clough) ' A nice thing. Sir Robert, to bring your 
 servants home in this state ;' it appears my servants are 
 a damned deal soberer than their masters. It seems it 
 is us who have set a bad example ; ha, ha, ha ! And so 
 
 the new judge is spilt ! ho, ho, by , I shall choke ; 
 
 ha, ha, ha ! I'll have another court-leet next week. Put 
 up your horses, lads, and go to bed ; there's not better 
 servants in Europe. Spilt the new — damn all lawyers! 
 spilt the new judge ! "
 
 308 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 We shall not tire the reader with the course pursued, 
 nor the means employed, to find the thrown steward ; 
 suffice it, that he was found; and that, too, at the other 
 side of the hedge, at the church-yard corner. And, no 
 doubt, he would have been dashed to pieces, but for the 
 usual luck of the drunken; a cart-load of thorns, amongst 
 which he was found, saved his life. 
 
 Mr. Fribble rendered intense services on this touching 
 occasion ; Miss Clough could not give her thanks suffi- 
 cient energy. 
 
 During the search and recovery, the baronet, in the 
 highest glee, told the other joke, of the window, and the 
 judge's ingression into the dining-room. 
 
 The lady got, at this, into a savage bewilderment. 
 
 All were gone, or carried to bed, as the cases required, 
 when Mr. Fribble, staying a little quiet supper, must 
 relate, faithfully, to Miss Clough, all about the vulgar 
 affiiir at the court-leet ; the lady certainly thinking that 
 the baronet had over-coloured his recital. 
 
 Mr. Fribble, though mincing the matter a good deal, 
 told all he knew ; and concluded, by saying, " that 
 young Lawrence would not have drunk the baronet's 
 health, as he did, but for the way in which his name 
 had been introduced by the younger Hadcock, when 
 opening the court-Icet — using expressly this form:
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 309 
 
 ' Robert Vernon, Esquire ; commonly called Sir Robert 
 Vernon.' " 
 
 " Why," said Miss Clough, " the puling creature is 
 mad !" 
 
 Mr. Fribble looked, as much as to say : " You see, 
 Madam, you had no occasion to get your county solicitor 
 to do that which would have been so much better per- 
 formed by the little, humble man, before you." 
 
 " Surely, Mr. Fribble, there can be no impediment — 
 no doubt, as to Sir Robert's title?" 
 
 " Certainly not. Madam ; I was bom upon the estate 
 — poh, ridiculous ! " 
 
 Miss Clough, however, was resolved to be satisfied on 
 the w^hole of this singular affair, and that, too, before 
 Sir Robert or his steward were stirring in the morning; 
 and for this purpose she took the mail-coach for Chester, 
 and was at the house of the great lawyers before either 
 of them was out of bed ; so soon, however, as the elder 
 gentleman was made acquainted with the arrival, he 
 hurried to give his Beechwood client an audience in the 
 drawing-room. 
 
 Mr. Hadcock was all congratulation and inquiry ; the 
 first to Miss Clough, for the earliness of her visit, the 
 next, as to the how-and-the-why of the good lord of the 
 manor, the new judge, and other usuals ; so polite was 
 he on these subjects, that he would scarcely allow the 
 fair visitor to commence. 
 
 Miss Clough would not be trifled with, so put the 
 question, as to her uncle's title, at once; which, at 
 once, caused those hummings and hawings, which are 
 often the result of a wish to please without having the 
 means. 
 
 The lawyer was at last obliged to confess, nay, it was 
 no doubt, best to tell at once, to a lady of her force of 
 mind, that there was no longer a baronetcy attached to
 
 310 THE LORD OP THE MANOR. 
 
 Beechwood : Robert Kent had a right to the estate and 
 all its immunities, but not to the title. 
 
 " Well, then," said the lady, evidently a little surprised, 
 but not crushed, " had it not be better applied for at once 
 at the heraldry office ? Norroy, king at arms ! because I 
 am resolved that, should there be any impediment, it 
 shall be removed. But I cannot understand, sir, why 
 the late Joseph Yernon should have the title, and not 
 the present possessor : if one was ' Sir Joseph^ why 
 should not the other be ' Sir Robert ? ' " 
 
 " Why, Madam, it was very fortunate that I found it 
 out : of course the estate is in fee to the male issue of 
 the Kents ; but you see, the family of the Vernons being 
 extinct, the estate reverted to a collateral branch of the 
 Kents. Joseph Kent was the first, and had, of course, 
 to get a new patent ; that patent was made to himself 
 and issue, mind that, issue : he died without such, and 
 so the estate again reverts to the next of kin — male — 
 but not so the title. A-hem." 
 
 "Indeed! funny, very funny work; but I'll have the 
 whole looked into — of course I shall instruct Pinchet 
 Hadcock, Esq. to do so," continued the lady, withdrawing 
 a little, fearing she was going somewhat too far. 
 
 " You see. Miss Clough, it was well we found all this 
 out ; because, in prosecutions, suits, and the rest, there 
 might have been some danger — difficulty." 
 
 " Humph," said the lady, slightly alarmed, " then, we 
 will say — in poaching cases — would it be wrong to indict 
 in the name of Sir Robert Yernon ? " 
 
 " / think so," said the lawyer, shaking his head, " / 
 think — I fear so." 
 
 " Because," remarked the lady, in a tone of apparent 
 indifference, " there have been a few ragamuffins sent to 
 the county-gaol for trespasses — poaching I mean, and 
 the rest, indeed, I hardly know what."
 
 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 311 
 
 " Well, really Miss Clough, don't you think ? — I put 
 it with the utmost deference to your acknowledged judg- 
 ment — don't you think it would be as well to remit — to 
 issue pardons? eh? /think — " 
 
 Miss Clough saw very well what the family adviser 
 thought, but was resolved to consult Rector Yielding 
 upon the subject, and if that gentleman also appeared 
 shaken, she would release or remit, as the case might be, 
 and that at once. The plan would be, to say it was done 
 in consequence of the baronet's birth-day, and that she 
 had meritoriously caused a remission of their several 
 sentences — an amnesty. 
 
 Mr. Hadcock pressed the lady to stay breakfast ; 
 well, she certainly took a cup of coffee, but that was all; 
 she was too anxious to be at Beechwood, the rectory, 
 and where not. She, therefore, went to the hotel at 
 which she had alighted from the coach, and ordejred a 
 post-chaise to proceed at once to the manor. She was 
 delayed a quarter-of-an-hour, in consequence of a large 
 travelling-carriage requiring four post-horses, (and, as she 
 imagined, from what she thought the clerk of the coach- 
 ing department said,) for Beechwood-court. And she 
 also could have sworn that she heard somethino; about 
 Lady Vernon. 
 
 The truth was — so she considered — that she had been 
 so vexed about that very name, but a minute before, 
 that there was no wondering she should imagine every 
 body else was speaking of it; but for this, she could 
 have assevered that she heard the names of Beechwood 
 and Vernon. It was a matter of no great importance, 
 even if she had ; yet the thing was strange. Be it as it 
 might, she was resolved to be at Groveby, and that, too, 
 before — if the big carriage were going thitlier — the 
 strangers. Humph ! Lady Vernon — Lady Vernon, why
 
 312 THE LORD OF THE MANOR. 
 
 there was no Lady Vernon — at all events, that had 
 ought to do with Beech wood. 
 
 Nevertheless, Miss Clough's heart kept knocking at 
 her stays. And in the mean time, we must leave Beech- 
 wood, and once more see how our friends are getting on 
 in town. 
 
 END OF PART THE THIRD.
 
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