1 n/i> L I B RAR.Y OF THE U N IVLR.SITY Of ILLINOIS 8Z3 C8323 ^^^^-^ THE COUNT 0£ SUBLUNARY LIFE ONE IN A HIGH STATION. " Oh ! then I see Queen Mab has been with you." IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL I. LONDON: THOMAS CAUTLEY NEWBY, PUBLISHER, 72, MORTIMER STREET, CAVENDISH SQUARE. 1848. LONDON "VT. OSTELL, PRINTER, HART STREET, BLOOMSBrRY SQUARE. 8£^ V. 3. PREFACE. To prevent the probable imputation of pla- giarism, as to the groundwork upon -vvhich the following pages are founded,, it may be as well simply to premise — without the tedium of further prefatory remarks — that they were - commenced at the close of the year eighteen ^ hundred and forty -five, although, from unavoid- !^ able circumstances, not pubhshed until this ]^ period. Consequently it w^ould be as invidious ^ as unjust were they to be accused of borrowing _y> any reflective light from those weekly per iodi- ^ cals which have subsequently appeared from ^ the same suggestive source; but, at the same ^ time, proving themselves to be the vivacious ^_ emanations of a far more highly gifted and ,n talented Author. THE COUNT, OR SUBLUNARY LIFE CHAPTER I, Fet. hoTv bright and goodly shines the moon ! Kath. The moon ! the sun ; it is not moonlight now. Fet. I say, it is the moon that shines so bright. Kath. I know it is the sun that shines so bright. Fet. Now, by my mother's son, and that's myself. It shall be moon, or star, or what I like." Who has not often exclaimed — ^^ There is nothing new under the sun ! " — a well-attested aphorism, and one " true as the sun at noon- day/' that is, when he does condescend to shine down with resplendent warmth on the expansive bosom of " Mother Earth.'' VOL. 1, B *^ THE COUNT. Now, assuming that two better axioms can- not be found to put themselves forth in behalf of their own veracity and antiquity, we may further opine (goosequill and self, be it known, forming our plural — for we hate metaUics) that by the same rule there can be nothing new under the moon ! But — ^and what should we do without that little conjunctive unity? — there may be something new to be seen, either within or from that '' chaste luminary,'^ as the poets call our feminine orb — though, without contradiction or intending the slightest degree of earthly scan- dal, we have often, it must be confessed, cast a very suspicious eye upon a certain masculine image, which, according to nursery tradition, is designated " The Man in the Moon ! " How often have we longed to see what sort of a being that solitary individual could pos- sibly be, w^ho, from timer immemorial, is sup- posed to have borne a bundle of sticks upon his back ! How frequently, too, have we envied his elevated position, whilst whirling himself THE COUNT. 3 round in Lis own particular little orbit, he most unceremoniously takes a bird's-eye view of all our teiTcstrialities ! What sights he must have seen ! what visions of love ! what moonUt invocation ! as- pirations and protestations, must have met his ear ! What lover's vows 1 made, alas ! but too often to be only broken ! What storming of hearts by all the auxiliaries and accompani- ments of Cupid's artillery ! Then, to witness theu' tears — their smiles — their meetings — their partings, — to hear their heart-rending sighs, groans, and heaven knows what besides, — or he alone can possibly tell ! Why ! Lorenzo and Jessica's Shaksperian efforts, could have been nothing to the thousands of tender appeals offered up before, and since, at his poetical shrine ! Still, poor fellow ! he must be sorely tan- talized from the time he gets up, till he goes to bed — if ever that miracle happens, from his eternal restlessness — thus to Ijc made cognizant B 2 4 THE COUNT. of sucli scenes, in whicli he can have no prac- tical participation whatever; although some people may probably think him fortunate in having this lunar restraint, from such a host of calamities, incidental to mortal man. It has, however, often puzzled our visionarj^ faculties to comprehend what business a man could possibly have in the moon! but, upon more mature and recent reflection, we have come to this conclusion, that he can have no difficulty in finding a world of occupation — what with contemplation and meditation, to keep him from idleness, though perhaps not altogether out of mischief, for desperately wicked he sometimes proves himself to be — drawing, as he often does, a veil of clouds over his calm and luminous visage, when deeds of sin and darkness need such connivance — and yet, treacherously withdrawing the same, when tender scenes would prefer such obscurity. We have oft times, moreover, wondered by what method this mystical being got there ; in- THE COUNT. O asmuch, that the nearest possible approach to his dwelhng must have been made balloon- fashion — unless, indeed, by a powerful stretch of imagination, we may suppose him to have been some unlucky wight of a mad poet, who, whilst soaring too high (like ourselves, though simply in prosaics) got flung off his " Pegasus " steed, and found himself safely lodged in durance vile, for having presumed to make incursions upon the territorial districts of com- mon sense. But to abandon conjecture — be that as it may — and though at the risk of incurring a similar accusation, we have resolved (now that illimitable space can be compassed in the twinkling of an eye) to lose as httle time as possible in satisfying our own most laudable curiosity; and, with all the velocity of an electro-telegraphic imagination, intend to trans- port ourselves, by some new fashioned impetus or other, into the lunar regions — no matter how or which way — for, as former supposed b THE COUNT. impossibilities, now daily succumb to practical admissabilities, in these " march of intellect " daySj we boldly and adventurously take all im- aginable responsibilities on oiu' own shoulders, albeitj they may even prove a far heavier bur- den than that, of our unknown friend, whose acquaintance we are about to make in his own spherical abode. To revert once more to the old proverbi- alism previously quoted — that " there is nothing new under the sun/^ we, as imperial phraseolo- gists, consequently cannot expect to catch any fresh inspiration, under his benign influence, to which can be attached the remotest charm of novelty. No ! not even were we to turn ourselves into actual solar worshippers, for the express purpose of bribery and corruption, with a faint hope of imbibing, through such warm devotion, some new cast of ideas, by way of dashing at once into a distinct and unknown section of scriblomaniaj which it might be hoped would hereafter expand, with some claim THE COLINT. 7 to originality, into three cliarming octavo volumes, witli their orthodox numericals of pages and chapters. Therefore, deeming the great luminary as invulnerable to all ambitious schemes, and pri- vate desires on oin* part, we consider ourselves justified — unfilial, though it may appear, to desert oui' parent land — in attempting to con- ciliate another patron orb, which, though shin- ing with little more than reflected light, may yet, when in full and majestic beauty, shed her enlightening, but modified rays, with an all- sufficiency of warmth to hatch into life, those embryo ideas which are floating about in the labyrinthian recesses of the human brain. Excited by such reflections — ho^N^ever sane or insane they may be thought — we purpose, in process of time, to bid adieu to this our terrestrial globe ; though fully expecting in our aerial flight to find our tender sensibilities severely tested, v/hen looking down on the manifold and visible changes in our poor old 8 THE COUNT. ancestral mother — once the very pride of onr hearts — but now daily, nay hourly, becoming more and more intersected by those odious and wrinkling lines, which are implanting themselves, through heart-rending raileryy upon her former happy face of paradisaical beauty. But in taking another view of the case, as self-preservation is the first law of nature, and having felt considerable misgivings of late, as to the fundametal principles and safety of these proceedings ; we are the more prompt in our resolutions, by way of saving our limbs from accidental dislocation, if nothing worse — to ex- pedite our own personal escape, lest we should also be victimised by these demoniacal, brazen- faced, engine-turned monsters — hissing and yelling themselves hoarse, like so many satanic imps, let loose from the abyssful regions of a certain old gentleman — nameless to ears polite, but under the well-known cognomen of the " Prince of this world,^^ — and who certainly of late seems more determined than ever to esta- THE COUNT. 9 blish his supremacy: by thus taking time by the forelock, and hurrying us on, with illegiti- mate speed to the end of all things. Alas ! poor " Mother Earth ! " to think that almost ever}^ fragment of thy venerable dust should be thus ploughed up, to facilitate the progress in life, of those component parts form- ed into the corporealities of the genus homo ! Alas ! alas ! to reflect that such is man ! was man ! will be man ! aye ! and woman too ! although every particle of thy vaunted attri- butes are thus to be scattered unceremoniously throughout the world ! We could moralize for a page and a half, on such a theme for analysis — we could weep forth torrents of tears on the instabihty of human nature — but that we hold them in reserve for a more convenient season, when borne from the bosom of maturity, we may cast forth our sympathies and sorrows, as we flit through vaparous mists tow^ards the mystical realms of Cynthian light. B 3 10 THE COUNT. It is now, however, full time to commence every active preparation for departure; and this will be the more easily accomplished, hav- ing some time since contemplated a similar expedition, though in a proposed aerial ship, but which providentially foundering before our investment was complete, the exploit was aban- doned till a more propitious season. For this contre terns, we cannot feel suffici- ently thankful, as at that period we premedi- tated a self-transformation into a veritable diable boiteuoc; to be hermetically sealed up for the voyage, like that bottle-imp of old, when the consequences might have proved fatal, — our incognito inevitably discovered, and the frail tenement dashed to the ground. Thus thwarted in a former instance, by cir- . cumstances over which we had no control, we shall resort upon the present occasion to other expedients ; and by merely assuming a little of the said imp's versatility of genius, and simply interchanging the magic of former years, for THE COUNT, 11 that of the more scientific principles of the present, we hope to find ourselves_, either through the recently attempted experiment of atmospheric pressure, or by some other unac- countable impetus, shot off like a cannon-ball, and lodged, after a few seconds, at the terminus of this our projected and mystical flight to the lunar regions. It may be naturally expected that a little nervous trepidation should be creeping over us, now the eve of departure draws nigh ; for not- \nthstanding all pretence of self-possession hitherto exhibited, one would fain linger on, with the usually thousand last thoughts, last wishes, last injunctions, to those from whom we are about to separate, and which are always lastly summed up, in reiterated promises of non-forgetfiilness and constant correspondence, though the latter, sincere as they may be at the time, are usually found, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, to be gradually neglected, and after a few weeks, or months, allowed to die a natural death, 12 THE COUNT. Not SO; however^ witli us ; for althougli cir- cumstances will only permit our whispering adieux to one or two confidential friends, they may rely on the most faithful regularity in the transmission of our effusions, whatever they may be, from our new locale. Wild too, as the miscellaneous leaves may prove — culled from the scintillations of the human brain, and scat- tered in that ad libitum variety, which perhaps lunarian privileges alone may sanction ; we at least venture to hope that when thrown into the Tvide world, and collectively plunged into the M.S. reservoirs, attached to the A^s, B^s or C^s of publishing notoriety, they may at least bid defiance to the shafts of criticism — for hurled as they may be with toxopholite skill, even at the moon's eye, instead of the '^ hulVs eye ^^ on earth, and tipped too with all malice prepense, they would fall far short of their aim, by our simply taking refuge under a statute of lunacy. But, hark ! — hark ! — a perfect cannonade threatens our peaceful domain, enough to un- THE COUNT. 13 dermine the patient temperament of every de- scendant of Job ! and at such an hour too ! Who can be invading our territories ? But — " What walls can guard me, or what shades cau hide, They pierce my thickets, through my grot they glide." Well ! n'importej whoever or whatever he, she, or it may be, we will turn over a new leaf and scribble on to the last. 14 THE COUNT. CHAPTER II. Shut — shut the door, good John ! fatigued I said. Tie up the knocker, say I'm sick — I'm dead. The dog star rages ! nay 'tis past a doubt, AU Bedlam, or Parnassus, is let out." And so it would appear, for what an imperative knock at the door ! enough to startle one into the more conventional exclamation, ^' Not at home ! " Yet it is not the high-toned clarion sound of a six foot lacquey, nor the diminuendo attempts of a tailless tiger ; not the quavering notes of a delicate gloved hand, dreading pollu- tion, nor the double-bass rat-tat of that mer- curial genius, the postman f No, no ! but that THE COUNT. 15 more empliatic insist -upon-coming- in sort of cresendo^ which at this hour claims undeniablo admission. Well, be it so — notwithstanding we fancy at this moment all the business of the world lies upon ones hands, when on the point of depart- ing from it — better far than a lie direct should be thrust into the mouth of a subordinate, as a repelling missile to be huided from the pos- tern gate of hospitality, and thus entitle us to the ^' retort courteous," whenever it might suit the servitorial purpose, to inflict it upon those, who instigate deception in their dependants; for who could then dare an-aign them as dehn- quents at the bar of Truth ? But, to abandon our morale — the voice, the step approaches, and, after all, betray their be- longings only to one of our old confidentials ; so that we need scarcely lay aside om' weapon de metier, but issue forth from this inner sanctuary, bearing it as a pennon in hand, to enforce the necessity of a short parley. 16 THE COUNT. The hint sufficed — jjoor dear old soul ! -what an abrupt farewell — quite touching— and then, to come so especially out of his way, for the purpose, though so decidedly in ow^s. Yet the creature, despite his eccentricities, is worth a thousand moderns, and well-deser\T[ng from us a word or two. His punctuality is proverbial as clock-work, save in this extraordinary instance; coming once a week, taking invariably three cups of coffee at breakfast, two glasses of wine at dinner — would not take more, or less, for the universe — eats up all that is put on his plate, but never sends for more — wears one eternal snuff-brown cloak, at sunny Midsummer, or snoAvy Christ- mas, without any additional accessories at the latter season, in spite of our hebdomadal sug- gestions as to the advantages of goloshes and comforters. A man, too, of great mechanical genius, which tempted us to throw out a hint, in our short interview, that he might benefit the THE COUNT. 17 human species^ most essentially in our estima- tion, were he to invent some new style of knocker, which, in its construction, might by certain evolutions, telegraph lies ad infinitum^ to our thousand and one dear friends and ac- quaintance. A sort of brazen-faced Janus, which, -v^ith open mouth, could signalise the " not at home," and at the same time receive the substituted card, billetdoux, or what not ; then, with a revohing physiognomy, indicate the reverse. What an immensity of time and trouble would thus be saved, not only to servants in general, whilst sparing them a deviation from the paths of truth and moral rectitude; but, moreover, our own delicate nerves would thereby escape many a fruitless shock, and even the unfortunate doors obtain some relief, as they unnecessarily turn with a groan on their sen- sitive hinges. We, therefore, ventured laughingly to pre- mise, though in the midst of an affecting adieu, 18 THE COUNT. that, if such an inventivo idea were to be suc- cessfully carried out, we should not only claim a share in the patenteeship, but feel ourselves entitled, \nth the artizan, to be immortahzed for ever. But, we must rouse ourselves from such tri^ial, though philanthropic suggestions, in behalf of our earthly friends ; and endeavour, on recalling our wandering wits, to soothe them into something hke tranquilHty on this our advent into another planet ; for " Ere the earth shall have circled the sun, And ere the seasons their course have run " our weapon has to be wielded over such an expansive range of space, that our co-partner has certainly a fair excuse for a fluttering hand, whilst it would fain take wing, as though still pinioned to the side of that old witch '^ Mother Goose," instead of indulging his co-mate in a few more lingering moments of sentimentahty on earth. But, notwithstanding these premomtory THE COUNT. 19 hints, we have still a few j^rdiminary remarks to offer before we can attend to them ; and, therefore, we go on to premise, that, whatever may be the form of our future lucubrations, or however destined to make their entree into the sublunary sphere — unless doomed to be tied np like a bundle of sticks, and hereafter laid aside to kindle a fire— or whether more honourably to be pamphleteered under cover of a gay tinted paper — pressed into service half bound, whole- bound, or by whatever trammels, hard-hearted bookbindership may award them — we shall still deem it very inconsequential, upon the well- known principle, that " beauty,'^ if there be any, " needs not the foreign aid of ornament,^^ and, moreover, take leave to aver, that as we our- selves so wholly disregard all scribbling devotee- ship to old established rules, we must risk the penalty of appearing in whatever printed dress may be assigned us, and, however unbecoming the taste of oui' appointed chaperonca into the world of letters; abide the decree. 20 THE COUNT. ThuS; regardless of outward appearances, we must commence tlie far more essential pre- parations of packing ourselves up like manifold letter writers^in as small a compass as possible; not forgetting all the concomitant appendages, upon the newest and most approved principles ; for the convenience of journalizing, novelizing, or memoirizing, — together with an ample stock — of quotations, annotations, and all other ap- pliances to boot, for every style and purpose of composition ; not omitting that old worthy of renown, Johnson ! though selected in his most abstract formula, for travelUng convenience; yet still of consequential presence enough, to keep us from orthographically deserting our vernacu- lar dialect altogether, and dabbling in some '' unknown tongue/' Prompt as the intent — so has been its fulfil- ment ; and now, from the consequent fatigue, we prepare to take that necessary, therefore par- donable, indulgence — a quiet siesta, just to tranquillise the nervous system, after the very THE COUNT. 21 eflfervxscent and excitable state, into which it has been thrown on the eve of such an event- ful career. But, in order to prevent any risk of a rest- less or disturbed repose, we have this moment, from a sudden impulse of thought, resolved on throwing ourselves into a mesmeric trance, preferring this more peculiarly somnolent mode of bodily refreshment to that of any other- preserving, as it professes to do, the mental energies in activity— soMng on demand, prob- lematical devices with almost superhuman skill, and those, too, with more than telegraphic speed and intelligence, in these make-haste days —or, should we not be subjected to such cate- gorical investigation, how charmingly may the imagination, be left to roam in all the wild and visionary regions of gorgeous revelry, which no aw^akening faculties can unfold. Having at length brought the mind, by a little self-discipline, into a more calm and sedate mood— on finding that all matters are at last 2.2 THE COUNT. arranged satisfactorily on earth, and our pass- port secured — we will instanter, by way of sparing one^s own tender sensibilities, and those of our friends, by a prolonged farewell ; especi- ally under such trying circumstances, merely at present venture to bespeak their renewed attention, after tliis, our self-willed state of oblivion. And now^ according to the best established rules, with fixed eyes on a certain given point, whilst our right hand^s mechanical genius, still faithful even to the verge of our destiny, writes on to the last ; we gradually submit ourselves to the mesmeric influence, and on what more cha- racteristic or sublime object can we fix, to gaze, ere the eyelid droops, than that pale orb to which we are bound, and which, whilst we retain power on earth, we would thus at once apostrophise — What is it that gives thee, mild qiiecu of the niglit, That secret intelligent grace — Oh ! why sliould I gaze with such tender delight On thy fair, but insensible face ! THE COUNT. 23 What gentle enchantment possesses thy beam Beyond the warm sunshine of day, Thy bosom is cold as the glittering stream Where dances thy tremulous ray ! I think of the days that for ever are lied, Of follies by others forgot, Of joys that have vanish' d, of hopes that are dead, Of friendships that were — and are not. Those beams which so bright through my casement appear. To far distant scenes they extend, Illumine the dwellings of those that are dear, And sleep in the grave of a friend. Then stiU I must love thee, mild queen of the night. Since feeling and fancy agree To make thee a source of unfailing delight, A friend, and a solace to me ! 24 THE COUNT. CHAPTER III. '' Tir'd of work And tliis diurnal scene she springs aloft Througli fields of aii', pursues the flying storm, Rides on the vollied Kght'ning through the heav'ns Or yok'd ^rith whirlwinds and the northern blast, Sweeps the long tract of day." " Oh ! then I see Queen Mab has been mth you." " If I chance to talk a little wild forgive me." To find ourselves suddenly awakened from a self-infused mesmeric trance^ by some most startling and unearthly reveillee, during which we must evidently have been transported with- out trouble or fatigue to these regions adapted to lunar observations^ and that, too, in perfect THE COUNT. 25 bodily safety, is an event far from indifferent^ we flatter ourselves, to those amongst the legions of earth, who may constitute themselves our most esteemed and well-beloved friends ; and which intelligence is thus transmitted with- out loss of time, to allay any doubts as to the intended fragments, which it is hoped will be appropriated by them for an houi'^s amusement, in whatever form they may be distilled (perhaps it may be said) from a moonstruck brain ! It may be thought our bounden duty, at the same time, to convey some account of our extraordinary transit from the lower world ; but, to the uninitiated in the mystical science of mesmerism, we would say_, — as, also, to the sceptical part of the community at large, — that, although, whilst under such magnetic influence, the visionary powers are in full force, they vanish like airy bubbles (which some may call them) from the cells of memorj^, when once re- suscitation ensues, or the magic power of sleep is dispelled. VOL. I. c 26 THE COUNT. Consequently our aerial expedition^ in what- ever style it was effected^ cannot be authenti- cally made known ; but as '^ Fancy spread forth her wings ^' when last on earth_, it is just possible we might have been unconsciously tucked under her pinions, and thus borne aloft cherubim and seraphim fashioUj — or by some electric power or other_, launched thence to the exact terminus of all our preconceived hopes and wishes. We can, however, at least venture to assert (with most profound thanks for all imaginary inquiries) that, after rubbing our eyes, and finding the soft moony breezes playing with our features, we must have felt extremely fascinated with our slumbers ; for on awaking, an irresis- tible quotation instantly sprang to our lips, and thus found utterance — " There let me linger, blest iti visions dear. Till the soft moonbeams tremble on the seas ; While melting sonnds decay on fancy's ear. Of airy music floating on the breeze." But, notwithstanding this soliloquy, we have THE COUNT. 27 the pleasure of finding ourselves not only most agreeably aroused into activity, but extremely comfortable ; and prepared to grasp with the right hand of fellowship, that of our most hos- pitable and imaginative friend, whose territories we have so unceremoniously invaded. Still, the encroachment seems to have proved anything but unexpected to him ; for we find every preparation and convenience at hand, that either man or woman could desire, to facili- tate, and carry on whatever might be their pro- jected ^iews on earth. For here, are to be found mechanical instru- ments of every denomination; from the most Brobdignag size, to those of the most Lilliputian dimensions, — telescopic, horoscopic, astronomic, microscopic, Avith thousands of other ojncs, cal- culated to assist our own optical and topical designs. Besides these implements, which, by the way, have no doubt given rise to " the bun- dle of sticks ^^ — traditionaiy records have placed on our friend^s expansive shoulders, there are 28 THE COUNT. hundreds of otlier instruments of auricular power at our command, unthouglit of in the regions of earthly science, and which we thus make known, in order to avoid hereafter the probable imputation of miraculous witchery. Though constitutionally inclined as we are to be communicative, — and doubtless expected professionally to be so,— we hold it not only far from right, but absolutely wi'ong, when making incursions into otlier countries, more especially into another planet, — although in strict alliance with our own,— to be guilty of divulging any of its state secrets, either of a pubhc or private character, or to indulge very elaborately in those burlesque and sarcastic descriptions of the manners and customs of other realms when partaking of their rights and hospitality. Yet we would not vaunt of our honourable forbearance, fm-ther than in support of general principles, as we must be somewhat explicit, in order to account for the few tri\ialities which claim exception to the general i-ulcj and to THE COUNT. 29 which; "we shall simj^lv allude^ by way of satisfy- ing the curious^ or, more esjoecially those interested in our behalf, as to the creature comfortSj essential to the support of mortal nature. Ethereali^edj though we feel, comparatively, in this our present altitude, it must be confessed that our frail humanity, is still far too much interwoven within the coil of mortal mould, to be at once insensible to the necessary sustenta- tion of human lifC; although tolerably indifferent to its luxuries. We shall therefore, merely observe to the class of epicureans, who may shudder ; and to the more abstinent^ who may not, — that if they will only recall to mind, one, out of the many, traditionary stories of old, namely, that the moon is made of green cheese ^ it must be readily admitted, by self-evident observation, that there is still an all-sufficiency left for us to nibble^ and thereby satisfy the cravings of nature ; then, as the water system rages on earth, why should 30 THE COUNT. tliere not be many a well-spring of life^ issuing from tlie various cavities and fissures within these mountainous regions^ and which astrono- mical researchers into the lunar planet^ have ingeniously made known, through their own instrumentality and calculation, to exceed in elevation the gigantic range of the Andes ? So much, then, in favour of anti-starvation ! and a most self-congratulatory theme it proves, when we look down upon that little insulated spot of earth, whence we have so recently escaped the danger of threatening famine, through ill-omened prognostics of agricultural scarcity, and vegetable disease. There it lies ! spreading itself out on the map beneath, look- ing more like some accidental excrescence cut off from the parent land, than the upstart head and chief of surrounding nations ; ruling, or thinking it rules, the destinies of millions, beyond the legitimate scope awarded it by nature. But to revert to our present more immediate THE COUNT. 31 locale^ this mild serene little planet, where all is peace and moonshine ! Ha^dng been received, and installed as a free citizen, by onr somewhat gigantic friend, to Avhom we shall in future award the title of " Lunario '^ for bre^dty sake, and as a more important cognomen for one who reigns supreme, though with all the versatility and variability of his fickle nature ; we place ourselves at once submissively under his con- trol to a certain extent^ feeling, as we do, a kindred spirit rising within us, of an erratic and roaming propensity, similar to his own. Thus, sanctioning, as he intends, all our fu- ture proceedings of a " tell tale " kind, we may with impunity throw all the burden of incon- gruity, discrepancy, — together with a long cata- logue of our authorial delinquencies, — amongst his own numerous, and doubtless overcharged responsibilities. And although ''Hush /" is the motto, or ought to be, over the gates of earthly palaces, such shall we esteem it here,— taking care not to 32 THE COUNT. transgress the boundaries of discretion, accord- ing to our previously avowed resolution. But one thing, by permission, we are allowed to observe, for the information of those who are wont to indulge such speculative ideas; that we have not yet conformed to the opinion of a cer- tain defunct old lady, who always imagined this planet to be the intermediate place appropiated for departed spirits — for certainly luey in our present embodied state, have not yet been able to recognize either this worthy old dame, or any other departed friends, and may, therefore, con- sider ourselves as sui generiSj both in the flesh and the spirit. But, as our visionary faculties may possibly be in fault, we would claim abjuration from error, and pardon for any cut direct, should there l^e any, who have acquired superhumanly the advantage over our more crude nature, and earthly blindness ; for we must candidly admit, and unhesitatingly acknowledge, that — *' There are more things -in earth and heaven, Horatio, Than are dreamed of in thy pliilosophy." THE COUNT. 33 With this somewhat hacknied quotation, we will dismiss our shght metaphysical allusion, which, whether admissable or not, was at least irresistible : and may be either forgiven or for- gotton at pleasure, \Yith as much rapidity by those who read, as by those who have to per- suade a little goosequil, to scramble over half a ream of paper in double-quick time ; — for who can have patience to analyze every sentence and sentiment when in this, our rotatory orbit, we have to keep pace with its velocity, and sketch our dioramic outhnes in a monthly review, with the imitative speed of the scribbling clique below ? But we cannot relinquish our remarks, which might be deemed too elaborate, were they permitted at the outset to assume the title of either chapter introductory, prefatory, or dedi- catory (consequently, to be passed over by many as prosy, and irrelevant to subsequent pages), without attempting to give some further idea of the advantages here awarded us — however c 3 84 THE COUNT. deficient we may prove,, in carrying out our fanciful intentions as we ought. We would, therefore, recall to the memory of our earthly friends, their own national Colos- seum, as a slight illustration of our spherical abode ; and around which, when wound up like ourselves at this moment, to a considerable ele- vation, they may look through well-poized telescopes over their panoramic view of the great Babylonish capital. So, in the self same manner, do we find our optical, as well as auricular machinery, equally well arranged for the more extended observa- tions we have so long contemplated. Surrounded thus by such amplitude of power, what countries can we not survey ? aye ! even from pole to pole I What infinity of space ! What an endless variety of the human species ! What " Vestiges of the Creation " might not the enlightened author discover, — were he in our position, — to form a valuable appendix tolhe ex- traordinary development in this work of mortal man. THE COUNT. It is a grieTOus source of regret_, that ive possess not such originality of genius_, for with such resources as ours, — such instrumentality ! who or what can be hidden from our visual per- ception ? — into what sanctum can ive not pene- trate ? — into what secret recesses can we not dive ? — through what crevices can we not infuse ourselves,, even on a moonbean ! What sohlo- quies ! what sentiments ! what outpouiings of the human heart, &c., &c., &c. It would be tedious, however, if not endless, to enumerate, or dilate upon the illimitable scope afforded us by mechanical inventions at hand, and were we but advantageously to ap- propriate them, there would be little probalility of being thrust out from those cycles of literary stars, either of first, second, or third rate mag- nitude. But we eschew all attempts of rivalry at once, with those numerous satellitious deni- zens of the globe beneath yclept NoveUists, and which incongruous cognomens, it is believed first stimulated our flight above, witli a pre- 36 THE COUNT. sumptuous thought of establishing a truer right to the title. But we are now humbly content (with all modest diffidence be it written) to shine with borrowed light, and assume the original, but somewhat ambiguous claim to that of Limar-ist, per se. And now, that our Lunarian friend happens to be rising in his full orb of beauty, with a luminous halo around, we anticipate with de- light, the moment of emancipation from this continued effort, of chapterizing ourselves into notice, as then, with fancy free — " We may roam through this workl, like a cliild at a feast, Who hut sips of a sweet, and flies off to the rest. And when pleasure begins to grow dull in the east, We may order our wings, and fly off to the west." In accordance with this Moore-i^h. melody, we may therefore indulge our roving fancy, and in a moment start from north to south, from east to west — from grave to gay — from narrative to dialogue — from eclogue to monologue — THE COUNT. 37 ^^ changing sides and back again/^ to use more homely language than vice versa ; and thus con- tinue, in fact or fiction, to rove, so long as our whirl-about wits can possibly contrive to keep pace with the rotatory movements of our versatile friend, Lunario. For under his unlimitable sanction, we intend to do just as we like, what we like, as much as we Hke, and, moreover, lexiconize, as much as we like ! Delightful privilege ! for, be it known, that in these regions of unshackled liberty, there are extensive ortho- graphical mints, wherein we may add consider- ably to the coinage of our vernacular tongue, without fear of any very treasonable accusation. Having now enlightened our sublunary friends, sufficiently for our present purposes, and as they might exclaim — " I'm aweary of this moon ; would she would change." Be it so, and by merely placing ourselves confidently, and voluntarily under the erratic guidance of our versatile friend, we feel him 38 THE COUNT. at this moment transporting us (as it may be between his finger and thumb, a mere trifle in his grasp), to another locale, and that, too, with- out the slightest interruption to the mechanical process of our right hand partner — the most active and indefatigable member of our mental and corporeal agency. Here then we are at once transfixed ; and, moreover, '^with eye and ear intent,^^ somehow or other, attached to a most stupendous kind oi Lorgnette, besides the additional and com- plex machinery of an auricular branch appended thereunto, each, directing their concentrated powers upon the British isles. What a delicate compliment to the land of our birth ! That little speck upon the map of creation, disseminating as we see, its unre- strained and potent influence, with undaunted energy throughout the habitable globe ; whilst still, with its self-conceited and arrogant ambi- tion, it would be grasping at new dominion wherever its grappling-irons caa be thown with THE COUNT. 39 effect. Another digression ! but pardon it^ as the lastj ere we adjust our manifold letter writer, wluch having been especially adapted for our express purposes upon a new principle, we hope that it ■ft'ill facilitate our progress wonderfully, in recording a few of those transitory and pass- ing scenes of chequered life, brought into appa- rent proximity through the happy medium of incalculable tubes, and scientific glasses of luna- rian invention. Thus whilst " The high moon sails upon her beauteous way, Serenely, smoothly o'er the lofty wall Of holy fanes, and sea-girt palaces " — we will turn over another leaf, though it may chance to be but a short step fi'om the subhme to the ridiculous, or the reverse, as it may happen, whilst commencing at once our first sublunary sketch. 40 THE COUNT. CHAPTER IV. ' Come then the colors and the ground prepare, Dip in the Rainbow, trick her off in air ; Choose a JBrm cloud, before it fall, and in it Catch ere she change the Cynthia of this minute.' I came to the place of my birth and said — The fi'iends of my youth where are they ? And Echo only replied, ' Where are they?' " How many in threading the labyrinthian mazes of the worlds might feel deeply and sensitively inchned through a lengthened pilgrimage, to re-echo the words, ^^ Where are they?^' when after a lapse of time they find themselves once more traversing the scenes of former years, and observe on a later review, how they exhibit THE COUXT. 41 those changes and revolutions in life^ which doubtless, in this instance, must have elicited from a fair soliloquist, that pathetic and mourn- ful quotation from the Persian poet. Fair! we, with all due gallantry, presumeher to be, whom, on a mere cursory glance, we can only distinguish as a form, veiled and shrouded within the folds of a capacious mantle, baffling for once our penetrative observation. But, ere we attempt to lift the veil or unfold the mantle, and thus disturb the mental and contemplative mood, in which she seems indulg- ing ; as first presented to our notice, we Avill endeavour to sketch a slight outline of her apparently present abode. In one of England^s far-famed and vaunted counties in the west, where hill and dale so witchingly blend, may be seen on its confines the pictm-esque village of Woodvale ! Sweet, sweet Woodvale ! with its white, scattered dwellings, rising like pastoral gems, set in their own bright emerald parterres, glittering and 42 THE COUNT. sunning themselves in peaceful tranquillity, remote from the tumultuous, and noisy en- croachments of the more populous and adjacent districts. Not far aloof may be perceived the more imposing looking domain of the Yicarage, gaz- ing down, as it were, with protecting and pas- toral care, upon the flock enfolded within its precincts ; whilst from the gently sloping emi- nence, it appears, as though nestling itself into an embosomed copse of ^ild, yet luxuriantly, verdant foliage, affording a natural shelter around; thereby opposing every blast which might blow too roughly from any other quarter, than that, where an opening is left for the soft and genial breathings of the south. A multitude of shrubs had been diligently cut away to make room for walks amidst its darkest shades; and the loftier branches of opposite trees were so artificially interwoven as to form an arched canopy, impervious to the noonday-sun. Seats of mossy turf, and benches THE COUNT. 43 of rustic fabric now aiford accommodation to ramblers^ and are placed in picturesque spots on the banks of a sparkling rivulet, meandering along uninterruptedly in its rippling course, save, by a few rocky stones, wbicb serve to increase the murmnring sound, and form also a frail footing for those who would cross from one side to the other. Amidst this wilderness of sweets, we shall still leave the fair and meditative wanderer, whilst, with a scrutinizing glance, we intend to scan those, who may present themselves first to view beneath the vicarage roof. The more prominent character, we would sketch in a species of tableau, is that of the Rev. George Neville, v/hom, by skilful self- intuition, may be represented by us as the highly revered, and long-esteemed parochial minister of AYoodvale, as — " Remote from towns he ran his godly race, Nor e'er had changed, or wish'd to change liis place ;" and who, although not actually limited to the 44 THE COUNT. mere pittance of "forty pounds a year^' — in accordance with Golds mitli^s original and oft- quoted divine^ — he was still far from '^ passing rich/' or over-burdened with the comparative wealth of modern-day clericals ; by which he might be enabled to meet the yearly increas- ing expenditure, incidental to that almost in- variable appendage to small-living incumbents — a numerous and endless progeny. Still, by dint of economy, and various pru- dential arrangements, a sufficiency had been hitherto eked out for annual disbursements, besides extending the rights of hospitality oc- casionally to the neighbourhood around. After ehciting this much, we have also dis- covered, that the individual of whom we took such a furtive glance, is domesticated in the family, and treasured up by them, in her rela- tive position, as the beloved and valued sister of one of the chiefs of the community, and the aunt, par excellence^ of all the sundry nephews and nieces, issuing like prolific scions from the. THE COUNT. 45 parent stem, and who at present, though only casually introduced as mere minor branches of the genealogical tree, will doubtless gradually expand themselves into notice, and with their several characteristics be individually developed in progress of time. As the larger portion of the family seem at this moment to be scattered abroad, our atten- tion becomes more immediately rivetted on INIrs. Neville, and her eldest daughter, who appear, with mutual interest, to be deeply in- volved in the adjustment of several portentous looking dispatches, which, but for the penny wisdom and discretion of our most potent legis- latui-e, would have fairly tiu'ned a lady's purse into absolute bankruptcy. The purport of these documents met ovir acute ear, through the following observation of Mrs. Neville to her daughter. " Now that we can at least, my dear [Matilda, command a few hours of pnvacy, you shall be gratified by the oft pron ised history of your 46 THE COUNT. beloved aunt. Hitherto I have evaded your natural request, from the expectation, which is at length accomplished, of receiving, in the form of a connected memoir, this history of her earlier years, traced by the hand of one, who vras her constant and social companion, and who, at my earnest request, has thus enabled me to put you in possession of more accurate facts, than I could have verbally given you; and now, my dear girl, which of us shall com- mence the pleasing, but Herculean, labour of endeavouring to decypher this ponderous and heiroglyphical looking folio V