Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2017 with funding from University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign Alternates https://archive.org/details/funnibonesfixfarOOwill Funnibone s Fix A FARCE IN ONE ACT BY ARTHUR WILLIAMS (COMEDIAN) AUTHOR OF “Leave it to Me,” “Oh! What a Day!” “Christmas Chimes,” Forgive,” &c., &c. NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers ) 18 Ann Street 11 Forget and FUNNIBONE’S FIX Characters. SEPTIMUS SNUBWELL. FERDINAND FUNNIBONE. CECIL CORKER. PRINTER’S BOY. MR. WINKLETOES. MB. RUSSETBLUE. WIDOW SMITH. MILLY SNUBWELL. COSTUMES— Modern. Stage Directions — Z\, right ; Z., left ; C., centre ; Z. C., left centre FUNNIBONE’S FIX. J — Scene — Office of the “ Slushington Pipelighter." Editors room ; door , R. ; cupboard, L. C. ; fireplace , L. ; table with newspapers, writing materials MSS . y waste-paper basket by table ; chairs , , etc. SEPTIMUS and Milly discovered seated, r. and L. of table . Sep. Now, Milly, don’t be nonsensical ; a new bonnet indeed ! Do you think I am made of money ? Mil. ( pouting ) But, papa Sep. Now, Milly, don’t be absurd ; you ought to be more reasonable ; you ought to have more consideration for your father’s altered circumstances! It isn’t like the old times when our paper, the Slushington Pipelighter , was the only local newspaper, and stood alone without a rival. This is an age of competition, and now there are numerous journals — the Slushington Sat- urday Reviler , the Slushington Mudslinger, the Slushington Stinger, and goodness knows how many more. What is worse, the circulation 'of these papers is increasing, while that of the Pipelighter is steadily on the decrease. Something determined must be done at once — something novel and startling — new blood and new ideas must be introduced, or the prestige of the Slush- ington Pipelighter is gone forever. I have a new sub-editor coming down who has been highly recommended to me, and I expect great things from him ; but, unfortunately, he hasn’t turned up yet, and it’s already time to go to press. I’ll go down to the station to meet the next train, and if he has not come, Milly, you and I will have to write the paper together. Mil. You and I, papa ? Sep. Yes ; There’s no help for it. For the last quarter of a century the Pipelighter has appeared every evening without fail, and I won’t lose a day now for all the gold in the world. See how the rivals would gloat over us. No, the paper must and shall appear. Voice of Printer’s Boy. Copy, please. The printer is waiting for copy. Sep. Oh, dash it ! what will become of me ? Here, I’ll run to the station at once, and if I should pass the sub-editor on the way, you set him to work directly he comes. Mil. (coaxing) Yes, papa ; and then I shall have that new bonnet, shall I not? You won’t be a mean old Shylock of a father, will you ? If so, I 4 FUNNIBONE’S FIX. shall run away with some handsome fellow, just as Jessica did in Shake- speare’s play. Sep. Don’t talk like that, my dear. You surely would not run away from your old dad ? Mil. ( embracing him) Oh, no, papa ! Sep. And you would not think of a secret courtship with anybody, would you, Milly ? Mil. ( demurely ) Oh, of course not, dear papa. Sep. Of course not. But I must hurry away to the station. Good-bye for a little while, my darling. (Exit, hurriedly.) Mil. Good-bye, papa. ( Opens cupboard , L. c.) You can come out, Fer- dinand ! papa’s gone. ( When the cupboard is open, Ferdinand Funnibone discovered concealed , fanning himself with his hat) You can come out, Fer- dinand Augustus. Fer. Come out ! ( wipes perspiration from his face) I've been coming out at the rate of a pint a minute. The Black Hole of Calcutta was child’s play compared to that cupboard. Had your worthy papa stayed much longer, on opening that door you would have found, not Ferdinand Funnibone, but thin air — space — vacuity. Talk about melting moments ! only a bloater on a gridiron would understand my feelings. Mil. Ferdinand Augustus Funnibone, “ There is a tide in the affairs of men.” Fer. There is. My affairs have been at low tide for a very long time. Mil. An opportunity now occurs for you — wealth and fortune are before you. Fer. They are — a devil of a long way before me. I think we ought to begin again and start fair. Mil. What say you to be a man of letters? Fer. I am a man of letters. I get a dozen every day ; but they're all threats or County Court summonses. Mil. Silly man ! I mean would you like to write for the daily papers ? Fer. Write for the daily papers? No, certainly not ! Why take the trouble to write for them when I can walk over the road and buy them ? Mil. You don’t, or won’t, understand me. When I say write for a paper, I mean would you like to be on the staff ? Fer. On the staff ! do you mean would I like to be a policeman ? If you mean that — certainly not. I shouldn’t so much mind being a detective if I knew I shouldn’t be found out. Mil. Your stupidity is intolerable. Is not your greatest wish to earn your living ? Fer. Certainly, unless I can get my living without earning it. I should prefer it that way. Mil. I think you are poking fun at me. I don’t think you can be so FUNNIBONE’S FIX. 5 stupid as not to understand me. I have told you before, Ferdinand Augustus, and I tell you now again, that I will not marry you unless you can keep me. Fer. Keep you ? That’s all I want to do — to keep you all to myself for ever and ever. Mil. Ferdinand Augustus Funnibone, the man I many must have courage and enterprise. Fer. Milly Snubwell, have I not courage and enterprise ! When that ferocious bull looked in a threatening manner in your direction, did I not frighten him away with your parasol ? Mil. You did, dear. I don’t know which of the two looked more frightened — you or the bull. And, by the way, Ferdinand, that bull was a cow. Fer. Frightened ! No ; I may have turned pale, but not with fear. It was the pallid glare of indignation. Mil. Nevermind that. Now is the time to show your courage and enter- prise. Papa wants a sub-editor for his paper, the Slushington Pipelightcr . You must obtain the post — you must be the sub-editor. Fer. I be a sub-editor ! Milly Snubwell, you are dreaming. Mil. Nothing of the kind ; you don’t know what you can do till you try. The new sub-editor, who was to have commenced his duties to-day, has disappointed us. It is time for the copy to go to press, and papa is at his wits' end. If you come to his assistance, and extricate him from his awkward dilemma, he will ever afterwards be grateful to you ; and if you wish to gain his consent to our union you can go in and win. Fer. But, my own poppet, it’s one thing to talk of being a sub-editor and quite another thing to be a sub-editor. Indeed you might as well bid me go and take command of the British fleet at a moment’s notice. Mil. As I said before, you don’t know what you can do till you try. Papa does not know you, so if you get the post you will have an opportunity of seeing me every day. Fer. That is a terrible temptation. But when your papa does know me, and discovers my incapacity to discharge my sub-editorial duties, he will help me to the door with his boot, and then I shall not have an opportunity of seeing you again. Mil. Ferdinand, “ there is no such word as fail.” Fer. Oh yes, there is ; or there wouldn’t be a bankruptcy court. Mil. Ferdinand Augustus Funnibone, “Faint heart never won fair lady.” Fer. I wish, dear Milly, you wouldn’t keep pitching proverbs at my head, as if I was at writing-class and you were a copy-book. Mil. Very well, if I am not worth winning — farewell, farewell for ever. Fer. Oh, hang it all, Milly, I can’t lose you. Mil. You mean you won’t win me. Fer. Oh, Milly, I swear by yon bright moon — when it comes out Mil. Tush ! tush ! don’t swear at all, it’s rude ; do as I tell you, if you 6 FUNNIBONE’S FIX. love me. (Loud knock at door) I expect that is papa. Now mind and keep up your dignity, Ferdinand FunnlLone, Esq., sub-editor of the Slushington Pipelighter ! Isn't that grand ? Doesn’t it sound high ? Fer. Sound high! I expect before I have done I shall get a sound hiding. Mil. Remember, your motto is, “We don’t know what we can do till we try.” Fer. I expect I shall have reason to know what somebody else can do before I have tried long ; however, here goes for a buster. Enter Cecil Corker, a very meek man ; he bows . Cec, This is the office of the Slushington Pipelighter , I presume ? Mil. It is, sir. Cec. Can I see Mr. Snubwell, the editor and proprietor? Mil. He is not within ; but I am his daughter and business assistant. Cec. Then suffer me to present my credentials to you — my letters of in- troduction. One is addressed to Septimus Snubwell, Esq., the other to Miss Milly Snubwell. ( Gives letters .) Mil. (opeits one and reads) “ Middlesborough, Monday. — My dear Friend — I sympathize with you in having lost your sub-editor, and in being reduced to such unpleasant straits, but have pleasure in sending you a gentle- man whom I can highly recommend, and who I am sure will give you the fullest satisfaction. Excuse this hasty scrawl, as business is pressing hard upon your sincere friend, Timothy Turveytops.” Fer. {aside) I am very glad the real sub-editor has come. That will save me a lot of trouble and anxiety. Sub-editor, indeed ! I’d just as soon be a lion-tamer. Mil. (who has , in the meantime, read the other letter) You had better wait in the hall till my father comes. ( to Cecil.) Cec. (aside, in astonishment) Wait in the hall ! Well, that is polite, to send a sub-editor and a gentleman of education to wait in the hall. Perhaps I misunderstood her. ( to Milly) I beg your pardon, Miss — did you say I was to wait in the hall ? Mil. ( sharply ) I said wait in the hall. I don’t suppose there is a seat, unless the hall porter will let you have his. Cec. {aside, going) Well, upon my honor this is nice treatment. Strikes me I shall not stay long on this paper. (Exit L.) Fer. I say, Milly, my dear, what has become of all your politeness? Mil. Mind your own business. Here is your letter of introduction to papa. Fer. No, no ! Not my letter of introduction — his letter. Mil. Does it mention any name ? Fer. {looks at letter) No ; it merely says, “ I send you a gentleman who I am sure will give you every satisfaction.” FUNNIBONE’S FIX. 7 Mil. Very well. It is my pleasure that you shall be the gentleman who is to give satisfaction. Fer. I ! What, with the other chap’s credentials? Mil. Ves ! you ; and with the other chap’s credentials. Fer. If I am not very careful they will take away my name and give me a number, likewise a short crop and board and lodging at Dartmouth — only more lodging than board, and more work than both. Mil. Listen ! This is the letter of introduction to me ; it is from my school-fellow, Bessie Turveytops. (Reads second letter) ‘ ‘ My darling Milly, — Let me introduce to you Mr. Cecil Corker, who is my sweetheart, and of whom I have often spoken to you. How kind of your dad to take him on as sub- editor. We were only waiting till he obtained employment, and now we intend to be married at once ; so, darling Milly, I shall win my bet and get married before you.—*Always your sincere loving friend, Bessie Tur- veytops.” Now do you suppose I am going to play my cards into her hand ? Do you suppose I am going to assist her to get married first, and so win her bet and humiliate me? Bah ! Fer. But there is such a thing as honor, you know. Mil. Honor ! honor between rivals ! honor with a jealous woman ! Fiddlesticks ! All’s fair in love and war. Sit down, sir, at once, and com- mence your sub-editorial duties. Fer. But Mil. Sit down and commence. You don’t know what you can do till you try. Fer. Oh lor ! oh lor ! well, here goes. (Takes pen.) Won’t there just be a shine when the other party has an explanation with the governor. Enter Printer’s Boy, r. Boy. Copy, sir, please. Mil. Come again in ten minutes. (Exit Boy.) Now, Ferdinand Fun- nibone, show your mettle and commence to scribble. Fer. I'm a nice fellow to write a leading article, considering it takes me half a day to write home and tell my mother I’m quite well, hoping she is the same, then I have to put my tongue out and scratch so much that when I’ve done the surface of the paper is like a blanket. However, here goes for a leading article — what shall I write about ? Mil. Oh, a nice light article on general topics. Fer. (coughs , etc. f and commences reading as he writes ) “ Europe will wake up this morning to learn with undisguised awe that while we were washing our editorial face at the pump in the yard, we discovered a goose- berry which measured exactly the same round the waist as the Dome of St. Paul’s.” Mil. Capital ! Why, Ferdy, you are a born editor. Fer. I’m afraid I shall be a dead editor soon. But to proceed : “ The Colorado beetle’ — how do you spell Colorado ? Oh, I know — “ K-O-double 8 FUNNIBONE’S FIX. L-E-R coller H-A-R-D — hard— Kollerhard — H-O-ho — Kollerado. The Colorado beetle presents its compliments to the great sea-serpent, and hopes to meet him professionally at the Cattle Show at the Agricultural Hall Money is very scarce especially with our new sub-editor. Stocks are rising also tulips and dandelions. Virginia creepers are falling outside our washus window. The barometer is still very shaky/' Boy ( entering ) Copy, sir, please. Fer. Here you are ! Tell the printer to put every word in capital letters ; it s too good to be missed. Besides, I want it to take up as much room as possible I cannot write much more. I feel the first symptoms of brain fever already. (Exit Boy,) By the way, Milly, you don’t happen to keep a barrel of beer up here, do you ? ^ Mil. Certainly not, sir. Beer and business don't agree. Fer. I don’t agree with business, but I can get outside a good deal of beer without complaining. * ,f ep - t ut A de \ Ste P,! his wa y- sir - There is evidently a mistake some- where. My daughter will no doubt explain and apologize. Fer. Here comes the governor and the rightful heir— I mean the rieht- ful editor. Don t you think I had better hide under the editorial table ? Mil. Certainly not, sir ; sit there and brazen it out : produce your credentials bear me out in everything I say, and we’ll soon put your rival to flight. And as to my rival, you’re going to be married first, are you Miss Bessie Turveytops ! We shall see, we shall see. A fair field and no favor— let her laugh who wins. Ferdinand Augustus Funnibone, pull your editorial sell together prove yourself a genius. You don't know what you can do till you try, Ferdinand. 7 Enter Septimus and Cecil, l. Sep. Milly, how is it that when my new sub-editor arrives with letters of introduction and the highest testimonials, he is subjected to insult— sent out into the hall, and Mil. Pray Mr. Funnibone, have you been subjected to insult— have you been sent out into the hall ? J Fer. Most decidedly not. I have been treated with the greatest courtesy and consideration ! 6 Sep. And who the devil are you, sir ? Fer. (with mock dignity ) I am, sir, the edit-a-h— the sub-edit-a-h of this pa-pah — the — ah — Slushmgton Pipelight-a-h. Sep. The devil you are ! rri Fer ,‘ - No » Slr > \ am n not the devil. (Enter Printer's Boy with copy.) Iheres the devil, sir, the printer’s devil — go away, you little devil — go ever so tar and come again in ten minutes. Sep. (pointing to Cecil) But this gentleman tells me that he is the new sub-editor. Mil. That person would say anything. FUNNIBONE’S FIX. 9 Fer. Yes; a single glance at that person’s face convinces me that his only pleasure in this world is to lie until he is black in the face. Cec. ( indignantly ) Sir! Fer. Silence, sir. No violence here ! Remember you are in the edi- torial sanctum ! Mr. Snubwell, my very dear Mr. Snubwell, permit me to hand you my credentials. Sep. ( takes and looks over letter) Yes, this is quite correct. A letter of introduction from my old friend Turveytops, sending me a new sub- editor. ( Turning to Cecil.) Sir, you are an impostor ! Fer. Certainly he is — a rank impostor ! Why, he smells of falsehood, fraud, and petty larceny ! Mil. He swaggered in here smoking ! Fer. Yes, smoking — a short cutty, as black as your hat. Cec. Oh ! I never smoked in my life. Mil. And when I asked his business, told me to mind my own, and added that I was a forward little minx. Sep. {indignantly’) You said that, sir? Cec. Certainly not, sir ! Fer. Oh, I suppose you didn’t say you would knock that lady’s Roman nose into a pug ? Cec. I did not. Fer. and Mil. Oh ! oh ! What stories ! Oh ! Fer. And didn’t you say you would knock me down and jump on my chest. Cec. Most decidedly not. Fer. and MW. Oh! oh! What fibs ! Oh! oh! Fer. And didn’t you say you would do the same for «ld Pumpkin face? Sep. Whom did he mean by old Pumpkin face ? Mil. You, papa, dear. Fer. You, honored sir, he meant^you. Sep. The impertinent scoundrel ! ( Seizes Cecil, shakes him and swings him round stage. Milly attacks him with ruler , and FERDINAND with dusting-brush ; he eventually escapes and gets to door , L. ) Cec. Mark my words, I’ll be even with you. (Exit.) Sep. I am deeply sorry, Mr. Funnibone, that your first appearance here should have been so unpleasant. However, we have no time for apologies ; the paper ought to be out already. Now, set to, like a good fellow. Try all sorts of startling originality and novel expedients to further the sale of the Slushington Pipelighter y and you make me your grateful debtor for ever. Come, Milly, come with me, and leave Mr. Funnibone to work undisturbed. Mil. Au revoir , Mr. Funnibone ! Fer. Au revoir , Miss Snubwell! (Kisses his hand to MiLLY- SEPTIMUS turns and sees him.) IO FUNNIBONE’S FIX. Fer. Merely a fly, Mr. Snubwell — merely a fly ( pretending to wipe fly from his nose. Milly and Septimus exeunt, L.) Fer. (seating hii?iself) Now to get this confounded paper out — what shall I write ? I feel the brain fever coming on worse than ever. ( Takes up piece of paper) What’s this ! “ Died, on the 30th, Wm. Winkletoes, of this parish.” Poor William Winkletoes, no doubt a mother’s pet ; I can see him in my mind's eye — a fair-haired creature with an aquiline nose, aged about six ; just about the age of my little cousin who died from sucking the paint off a monkey on a stick. I daresay little Winkletoes died the same way. I’ll write some pathetic verses about it ; the Winkletoes family will -advertise in this paper for ever. Let me see now — “ Little William ne’er was flunkey, Always bright and always brave ; He sucked the paint from off his monkey, And found, poor lad, an early grave. Poor boy, he had the stomach-ache, Which served to spoil his night’s repose ; He chewed his little brother’s cake, And then turned up his Winkletoes.” Now that’s what I call good — it’s pathetic without being far-fetched. The mother will weep for joy. Printer’s Boy. ( entering , r.) Copy, sir, please. Fer. Here you are, all in capitals ; tell the printer it’s so good it ought to be printed in letters of gold. (Exit Boy.) What’s this ? ( takes up paper and reads) “ My Florence has gone away mysteriously ; can any Christian soul give a lone, broken-hearted woman information as to her whereabouts, and so confer a true favor on Widow Smith ?” Oh, this is evidently an old lady who has lost her pet dog. I can get some good verse out of that ; here goes -something comic to draw attention, and then, no doubt she will get her dog back, and will be deeply grateful. ( Writes :) 41 Poor Widow Smith has lost her Flo ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Where she has gone, we none of us know, . Hurrah ! Hurrah ! The sweet little creature caresses and licks, Her tail is bit off, and she’s covered with ticks, And we’ll stand drinks tilhall’s blue, When Floy comes barking home.” That is splendid, now. By Jove, I’m a genius ! and I didn’t think I could be a sub-editor ; but there, “ We don’t know what we can do till wc try.” Enter Boy, r. Boy. Copy, sir, please, copy. Fer. Here you are ! All capital letters — cut away. Boy. Printer says, sir, one more supply will do, ’cos there’s a hextra number of advertisements. FUNNIEONE'S FIX. n Fer. Right you are ; you can come back for the rest before you get there. (Exit Boy.) Now, what is this? {reads paper) “ Mr. and Mrs. Russet- blue, dyers and cleaners. Kids cleaned 2d. a-pair.” There is a couple of Good Samaritans ; they clean other people’s kids who are too busy to clean ’em themselves, and they clean cheap ; in fact, dirt cheap. Here goes for some more genius. {Reading as he writes :) “ Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Russetblue, How very kind of you. You take poor people’s dirty brats, You first remove their little hats ; With firm but gentle hand you tub ’em With canvas and with sand you scrub ’em, You groom them next with brush and comb, Then give ’em a bull’s eye and send ’em home.” Boy. ( entering ) Copy, sir, please. Fer. Here you are, here you are ; all in capitals. (Exit Boy.) Now that’s what I call a smart day’s work. Bless my heart, just fancy, I have lived all these years and didn’t know I was cut out for a sub-editor. Hurrah for the press! Enter Cecil with whip , l. Cec. {striding up to him) Now, sir ! Fer. No — not now, sir, some other time, sir. Good-day, sir. {He is making off, Cecil drags him back .) Cec. What punishment does a wretch deserve who steals another man’s name and occupation ? Fer. I’ll inquire and let you know to-morrow. {Is boltuig off , and dragged back again.) Cec. Tell me, sir — what is the proper punishment for an impudent, swaggering impostor ? Fer. Oh, don’t ask conundrums. I’m not a Minsty Christal — I mean a Christal Minstal — no, I mean-er-er — Well, so long, Corker. {Repeat busi- ness .) Cec. Now, sir, I’m going to give you the best thrashing you ever had in your life. Yes, sir, I’m going to give you * (Septimus and Milly enter.) Sep. Mr. Funnibone, is the paper ready? Have you supplied all the copy ? Fer. Yes, sir, long ago. But here is this impudent impostor again an- noying me. Sep. How dare you re-enter these premises ? (Milly snatching whip and beating Cecil) How dare you, sir ? {They all attack and. bustle him off, , leaving Ferdinand alone.) Fer. What an eventful day ! What a day of excitement ! Never mind, I shall win my sweetheart, and I have found at last some occupation that suits me. (News Boys heard without.) U. G*' IbL Ub. FUNNIBONE’S FIX. *2 Boys. Evening Pipelighter, a penny ! Slushington Pipe lighter, a pen- ny, etc. Fer. Ah ! Now the paper’s out ; how proud I feel to be sure. A real, live, genuine sub-editor. Monarch am I of all I survey. Coals, board, and half a quid a day. A calm serenity comes over me ; I feel that my days of trouble are past, and the future is peaceful and bright. Enter Winkletoes, L., a formidable-looking man ; he carries an open news- paper in his hand . Win. ( ominously ) Good afternoon, my friend ! Fer. (smiling) Good afternoon, sir. Win. Who is it that writes them beautiful verses as comes out in your evening edition ? Fer. ( blandly ) The sub-editor, sir, the sub-editor. Win. And pray who is the sub-editor ? Fer. I am, sir, and your servant to command — your servant, sir. Win. My name, sir, is Winkletoes. I’ve come to take your heart out ! But, previous to that, I’m going to clip your ears and tear out your false tongue by the roots ! Fer. (greatly alarmed ) What ! After the beautiful verses I wrote about your deceased little relative ? Win. Little relative ! My deceased brother stood six feet five in his socks, he had a beard down to his waist, and died from heart disease ! And this is what you write about my poor brother, William Winkletoes. Read it yourself. I’ll make you read every word of it aloud. Read, or I’ll choke you. Fer. (i terrified , reads paper) “ Little William ne’er,” etc. Win. ( seizing him ) And that is what you dare write about as handsome a man as you could meet in a day’s walk, you imp of midnight ! Cec. (entering) I say, sir, that I am the legitimate sub-editor of the Pipe lighter t Fer. Yes, sir, he is the sub-editor of the Pipelighter; he wrote the verses you complain of. Wollop him, sir, please, and *let me go. (Winkletoes rushes to CECIL and thrashes hi??i off and follows , saying) Come and have your tongue cut out, sir ! Fer. I’m off while I have a chance. (Seizes his hat and rushes to door, where he is met by WIDOW Smith, who lays about her with large umbrella .) Widow. Not a soul leaves here till I have an explanation. My name is Widow Smith. Fer. Oh, ah ! You advertised a little dog named Flo, whom you had lost. Widow. A little dog ! Why, it was my daughter Florence — the belle of the village — a sweet girl of eighteen, who left home because we had a lit- FUNNIBONE’S FIX. 13 tie tif. Now read, read, sin Read what you have put in the paper, or I will break your head. ( Flourishes umbrella.) Fer. {terrified , reads ) “ Poor Widow Smith,” etc. Widow. Now, I demand an instant apology. Fer. What shall I do ? (Enter Septimus, who seats himself at table ; Ferdinand turns and sees him; then to Widow) You see the old gentleman at the table ? He has a grudge against some members of your family, and wrote these verses by way of a bit of fun. (Widow makes a dash at Septimus, who expostulates; Ferdinand rushes to door , L., and is met by Russetblue, who seizes and brings him down.) Rus. Now, sir. My name is Russetblue, dyer and cleaner. What do you mean by calumniating me in your confounded ha’penny rag ? Read, sir, read ! or I’ll break your neck. Fer. ( takes paper , and reads ) “Mr. and Mrs. Russetblue, dyers and cleaners,” etc. Enter Milly, l. ; seizes Ferdinand. Enter Winkletoes and Cecil, r. Mil. There's a mob waiting for you outside, and this gentleman ( point- ing to Winkletoes) swears he’ll shoot you and the other sub-editor too. Fer. What can I do? If I go outside, there’s the mob waiting for me. If I stop here, I shall get the contents of the pistol. They say of two evils choose the least. Ah ! the chimney ! ( Bolts under Russetblue’s arm to fireplace , c., and up chimney > pur- sued by the characters .) Win. {producing pistol) I’ll soon bring him down. {Fires pistol up chim~ ney; F EBDINAND rolls down covered with soot; they bring him down , C. , on his knees.) Mil. Spare him, pa ! ’tis all my fault. I persuaded him against his will to take that gentleman’s place {pointing to Cecil), and, had it not been for him, for the first time in a quarter of a century your paper would not have been out. Sep. And pray, sir, who are you ? Fer. Ferdinand Augustus Funnibone, at your service. And if you'll only forgive me this once, I swear I’ll never place myself in so awkward a dilemma as “ Funnibone’s Fix.” Russetblue. Septimus. Widow. Ferdinand. Milly. Cecil. Winkletoes. Curtain. NEW PLAYS SURPRISES* 15 cents. A farce in i act, by C. Leona Dalrymple. 1 male, 3 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, 30 minutes. On the anniver- versary of Ruth's wedding day her mother arrives unannounced as a surprise for her. Her husband plans to surprise her with the present of an Angora cat. The maid- servant conceals the mother in an adjoining room ; the butler conceals the cat in the same room and locks them both in. The result in both cases is unexpectedly sur- f rising, and an imminent catastrophe is finally and most surprisingly averted. The rish maid and English butler are capital character parts. OUTWITTED* 1 5 cents. A society sketch in 1 act, for 3 girls. 1 in- terior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. Two of the girls twit each other about the attentions of a handsome young Army Officer at a ball the night previous, each covertly aiming to outwit the other. It transpires later that the Officer has had a little tiff with another girl to whom he was engaged, and his attentions were merely side-play. For cutting but polite sarcasm this sketch is rarely equalled. MRS. FORRESTER'S CRUSADE, is cents. A farce in 1 act, by C. Leona Dalrymple. i male, 2 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, 30 minutes. Helen has written to Professor Butler inviting him to call to obtain her parents’ consent to their engagement. Mrs. Forrester , her mother, also writes invit- ing him and requests his co-operation in her endeavor to cure Helen of her habit of using slang expressions. This letter was mislaid and not sent. He calls, and during the interview Mrs. Forrester crowds into her conversation all the atrocities of slang possible, to Helen's consternation and Butler s disgust. Finally, the missing letter accidentally turns up. Mrs. Forrester' s attempts at slang are screamingly funny. MATINEE IDOL, The* is cents. A characteristic vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Anthony E. Wills, i male, 1 female character. 1 plain interior scene. Time, about 25 minutes. A young, stage-struck girl arranges to take lessons from an elderly actor, who in earlier days was a popular matinee idol. Her crude attempts at rehearsal show her unfitness for the stage. The pathetic narrative of the old actor’s gradual descent from eminence to obscurity shatters her stage yearnings and persuades her to resume her place in her happy and prosperous home. The old actor is a fine character study. MERRY OLD MAIDS, The. 25 cents. A motion song or recita- tion arranged for io girls (more or less) and their Irish servant girl, by Willis N. Bugbee. i plain interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes straight, or may be ex- tended by the introduction of additional recitations, etc. An entirely new and ex- ceedingly funny interlude for girls in chorus. The motions are described for each verse and are gracefully appropriate to the rendering of the text, which is arranged t® the catchy tune of “ Villikins and His Dinah.” The peaceful monotony of their ex- istence is finally enlivened by the announcement of a visit of ten festive bachelors. JOLLY BACHELORS, The. 25 cents. A motion song or recitation for io jolly bachelors and their colored servant, by Willis N. Bugbee. i plain inte- rior scene. Time, about 20 minutes straight, or more by the introduction of specialties. A remarkably comical and entirely new conception in verse, set to the well-known rol- licking melody of “ Villikins and His Dinah.” The gestures incidental to the render- ing of the text are fully described, and although burlesquely funny, are distinctly in k-eeping with refined and fastidious old bachelors of a jovial type. The boasted in de^ pendence of their bachelor life is suddenly changed t® matrimonial intentions by the announcement of a heavy tax just laid on bachelors. CHRISTMAS MEDLEY, A* 25 cents. A new and original enter- tainment by Willis N. Bugbee, arranged for 15 boys and 14 girls. Eleven nation- alities are each represented by a boy and girl in appropriate costumes. "Ihe songs throughout are arranged to suit the well-known melody of ‘ v Auld Lang Syne. It is a prettv entertainment, full of unflagging interest, running about half an hour, and can be used as a medium for the distribution of Christmas gifts for Church or School. EASTER TIDINGS* 25 cents. A unique and specially interesting en- tertainment by Willis N. Bugbee, for 8 girls, 4 representing Christianity, who, by the joyful tidings of the Resurrection, of which Easter is the commemoration, succeed in converting 4 other girls who are typical of four heathen nations. Time, about 20 minutes. The songs are adapted to well-known hymn-tunes and are sung by an auxiliary chorus of 8 or more girls. New Rays BACK FROM THE PHILIPPINES ? or. Major Kelly’s Cork Leg. IS cents. An Irish Farce in i act, and i interior scene, by O. E. Young. 5 male, 3 female characters. Time, 45 minutes. Major Kelly has returned from the Philip- pines with a cork leg. He has bought a new cork leg, with all the improvements, and to get rid of the old one, throws it into an empty stove Kelly is betrothed to Maggie, daughter of Alderman McCarty. An old maid, Selina Pry, reporter of the “ Daily Gridiron,” mistakes Carl, a fat German, for Kelly, with a funny love scene. Kelly’s cork leg performs all sorts of pranks, which make trouble all around. Carl challenges Kelly to a duel. Snow White, a darkey, hands one pistol to Kelly, accidentally fires off the other, and falls apparently dead. Kelly is accused of murder. The leg, supposed to be the nigger’s, is discovered in the stove, “it’s white.” Reappearance of Snow. Everything cleared up. Double Wedding. HER LADYSHIP'S NIECE. 15 cents. A comedy in 4 acts, by Evelyn Simms. 4 male, 4 female characters. One interior and one exterior scene. Time, about 1 % hours. Lady Melbourne has discovered the existence of a hitherto unknown niece, Nora, and writes to her to come, Nora being fully aware of her rela- tionship. She also writes to engage Norah Jones, who knows nothing, as parlormaid. She misdirects the letters. Meanwhile Sir Thomas Melbourne agrees to pay the debts of Sir Charles Beresford on condition that he marries the niece, which Nora finds out, and takes the parlor maid’s place. Norah believes she is the niece, but Sir Charles recoils from the idea of marrying her. He falls in love with Nora, who at last pro- claims her identity. A charming comedy in the style of “ She Stoops to Conquer,” by Oliver Goldsmith. WANTED, A MAHATMA. 15 cents. A comic sketch in i act, for 4 male characters, by Gordon V. May. i interior scene. Professor Astralile, a fortune-teller, is in bad luck. Squire Babcock offers him a hundred dollars for a Mahatma. His friend, Frisby, an adventurer, disguises himself as a Mahatma. Squire puts his wallet on table. The temptation is too much for Frisby. who grabs tho wallet. A struggle — the disguise falls off. Exposure and escape. WHITE SHAWL, A. 15 cents. A Farce-Comedy in 2 acts and 1 in- terior scene, by C. Leona Dalrymple. 3 male, 3 female characters. Costumes, modern. Time, 1^ hours. A cleverly arranged “ Comedy of Errors,” in which an elderly doctor’s attempts at wooing a young girl already engaged — an old maid’s efforts to secure a mate — and the strategy of two young men to defeat the doctor’s aims, whereby they get themselves into an awkward scrape— all result in getting things tangled up in the most ludicrous manner. Woman’s wit and a white shawl set matters right at last. COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT,! A. 25 cents. A Farce Comedy in 2 acts, by Anthony E. Wills, q male, 4 female characters. Time, 2 % hours. Johann Kramer, of the “ Lion Inn,” Catskill Mountains, advertises the Count No- goodio of Paris as sojourner at hotel. Two New Yorkers, partners in business, on the verge of ruin, and each having an attractive daughter, try to catch the Count for a son-in-law. The Count has not arrived, Kramer hires Weary, a tramp, to personate him. Weary makes trouble all the time. The Count arrives. Weary has him arrested as his insane valet. Count escapes ; is taken for a ghost. At last matters are set right in an astonishing climax. A bright French waitress, a middle-aged widow and her brother, a peevish hypochondriac, add greatly to the absurd situations and surprises. WHEN A MAN’S SINGLE. 25 cents. A rural Society Comedy in 3 acts, by Eleanor Maud Crane. 4 male and 4 female characters. Modern costumes. 2 interior scenes and 1 exterior scene. Time, 2 hours. Mrs. Briscoe, a rich New Yorker, with her two sons and daughter, visit Jim Horton’s farm. His niece, Eleanor, is an heiress. Paul Briscoe, ruinously in debt, resolves to win Eleanor and her money; he mistakes the Irish maid, Norah, for her mistress, but soon learns his error. Eleanor visits the Briscoes at Newport. Paul by strategy wins her consent. Mrs. Briscoe hears of Jim’s sudden wealth and forces herself on him. Later, Jim’s wealth proves to be not his, but Peter Adams’s, his country neighbor. Things get badly mixed up, but by the artless blunders of Norah are finally and satisfactorily settled. The action compels absorbing interest throughout the comedy, and the climax is ^ttongly dramatic. “ When a Man’s Single, oh, then i ” NEW PLAYS SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM, The* 25 cents. A melo-comedy-drama fa $ acts, by Horace C. Dale. 6 male, 4 female characters. Time of representation, a x /t hours. This is a play which will be appreciated by all lovers of stirring action of a melo-drama tint. While there is nothing of a blood-curdling or hair-raising nature in it, there are a number of scenes of intense human interest which will thrill an audi- ence, and call forth the best efforts of the actors. It is easily staged. One scene can be made particularly attractive. The characters are all good, the act-endings full of action and interest, and the author claims it will give satisfaction to both audience and actors. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur production free. GIRL FROM PORTO RICO, The* 25 cents. A farce-comedy in 3 acts, by Joseph Le Brandt. 5 male, 3 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, hours. Mr Mite has married a Porto Rico wife, and has a daughter, Dina , engaged to Robin. She is a fiery termagant; Robin , a quiet young man. Jack falls in iove with Dina\ Robin is tired of Dina s domineering treatment and is persuaded to marry Vio- let % a quiet, lovable girl, Dina's intimate friend. Jack makes Dina believe that Robin has been killed in a duel. She instantly marries Jack y intending to make his life a torture. Her efforts are unavailing, and she finds her master in Jack , who finally wins her love. The action is rapid, and the sequence of stage situations causes roars of laughter. Professional stage rights reserved. A mateur production free. DOCTOR BY COURTESY, A ? or, A Jolly Mix Up. 25 cent.. A farce in 3 acts, by Ullie Akerstrom. 6 male and 5 female characters. 2 interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Time, 2 hours. Sly's father-in-law adopts methods to force Sly into practice, with disaster to Sly throughout. Sly's wife is led by Florette to test^/yV fidelity by calling him in professionally. Sly allows Freddie to personate him, leading to complications in which every one gets mixed up. Flirtations of Sly before marriage also add to his perplexities, all of which are finally unravelled anr peace restored. The “situations’* which follow each other in rapid succession mak this farce irresistibly comic. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur produc tion free. BENJAMIN, BENNY AND BEN* is cents. A farce in 1 act and 1 interior scene, by Anthony E. Wills. 8 male, 4 female characters. Time, 1 hour. A badiah , five years ago, invented an air-ship and hired Ben Craft to navigate it. Ben lost control and was carried away. No tidings of him. Abadiah believes him dead, and feels as if he was Ben's murderer. Abadiah gets his lawyer’s clerk to personate Ben to satisfy Ben's wife, who is going to call on him. Fearing the clerk will fail to do his part, he gets a tramp to personate Ben. The two are exactly alike and the mix- ing up of identity keeps the audience roaring. The real ben turns up at last and mat- ters get straightened out. AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 25 cents. A rural drama in 3 acts with the same interior scene throughout, by Anthony E. Wills. 8 male, 4 female characters. Time, Ff hours. A simple but intensely interesting story of village life. The central character is Ruth , daughter of an innkeeper, who has entered into a com- pact with an old friend on his deathbed, to make Ruth the wife of his friend’s son. Ruth marries the son of another of her father’s friends. Her father disowns her ; es- trangement, unhappiness and trouble follow, but reconciliation in after years. The pathetic passages are well balanced by incidents and situations which elicit roars of merriment. PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE? or, A Fight for a Fortune. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by Frank H. Bernard. 6 male, 9 female charac- ters.. 1 interior and 1 exterior scene. Time, about 2 hours. Phyllis , Philip’s wife, receives notice of a fortune left her by a deceased uncle in the East Indies on condi- tion that she marries his adopted son who is about to visit her. Being already mar- ried, and scheming to get the fortune, she conceals the matter from her husband. Two men call on her with letters of introduction which she does not read, supposing each in turn to be the adopted son. The way she accounts for their presence leads to perplexing mistakes. Finally, it transpires that her husband is the adopted son, and all ends well. MILITARY PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH M. F. BY THE ENEMY’S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 4 EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 10 4 PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours . 10 4 CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; iy 2 hours. 9 6 ISABEL, THE PEARL OE CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 BY FORCE OF IMPUESE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 9 3 BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 RURAL PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2M hours 9 3 AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2<4 hours 8 4 OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2)4 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 SQUIRE THOMPKINS’ DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 5 2 WHEN A MAN’S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; lhour... 6 3 LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 ENTERTAINMENTS 25 CENTS EACH AUNT DINAH’S QUIETING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 BACHELOR MAIDS’ REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; 1^ hours 19 15 JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1J4 hours 4 4 YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 4 hours 1 13 OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents) 11 8 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. :*$$$$$$$$$$$$ COMEDIES AND DRAMAS | 25 CENTS EACH BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acte; 2houre ” ^ BUTTERNUT’S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2^ hours n 6 COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 3 COUNT OP NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 234 hours 9 4 DEACON. 5 Acts; 234 hours. g g DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 10 DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 5 EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 234 hours 5 3 GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 234 hours 5 3 IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; 134 hours 4 6 JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 234 hours 0 3 JOSIAH’S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 234 hours 9 6 MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 234 hours 13 4 NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 4 PHYLLIS’S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 0 9 REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 ROGUE’S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 3 SQUIRE’S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 234 hours 6 4 STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 234 hours 5 3 WHAT’S NEXT? 3 Acts; 234 hours 7 4 WHITE LIE. 4 Acts; 234 hours 4 3 WESTERN PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 234 hours 11 3 RED ROSETTE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 3 MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 234 hours. .. . 5 3 STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 CRAWFORD’S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2M hours. 9 3 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. /