€12- U^iW ^t^f^f UNITED STATES MAIL. IN ONE SCENE. By CHARLES WHITE, Author of" Uncle Eph's Dream," " Wake up, William Henry,"! etc., etc. TOGEXHEK WITH A. DESCEIPTION OF THE COSTUMES—CAST OP THE CHABACTERS— EN- TRANCES AND EXITS— RELATIVE POSITIONS OP THE PERFORM- ERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. CHICAGO THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 2 UNITED STATES MAIL. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Post Office Sam, a negro letter carrier Mr. C. White. Mr. Wagner, a dashing young fellow in love with Lucy Mr. Warwick. Mrs. Nipper, a housekeeper, mother of Lucy Mrs. Barnett, . Lucy, a girl of all work, in love with Wagner Rose Meerifield. TIME OF PLAYING-THIRTY MINUTES. SCENERY. A plain chamber. Door in flat c. ; common table and two chairs c. ; carpet-bag on table. COSTUMES. Post Office Sam.— Jockey cap, Yankee trousers, and fancy coat. Wagner.— White pants, with red patch on the right seat; light-colored Jress coat, tail on right side basted on; white vest, gloves, and cane; fancy bat, bosom, and eye-glass. Lucy. — Plain domestic dress, Mrs. Nipper.— Old woman in reduced circumstances. , PROPERTIES. White muslin bag. seven feet long; bowl of flour; table and two chairs; eight blank letters; one carpet-bag, any old things in it. such as calicoes or towels, pa. pers, etc. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R means Right of Stage, facing the Audience; L. Left; C, Centre; R. C. Right of Centre- L. C. Left of Centre; D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene runnmg across the back of the Stage; C. D. F. Centre Door in the Flat; R. D. F. Right I>oor in the Flat; L. D. F. Left Door in the Flat; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Lett Door; 1 E. First Entrance; 2 E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; 1. 2 or 3 G. First. Second or Third Groove, R. R.C. C, L.C. jj®- The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. UIITED STATES MAIL. SCENE.— ^ 27lai7i chamber. Door in flat c. ; common table and two chairs c. ; carpet-bag on table. Mes. Nipper discovered at table. Mrs. Nipper. There, I think I shall go to the store and get me some little extras. I expect company this evening, and I have scarcely time now to fix anything for the table, {clock strikes eight) I declare it's eight o'clock already. I wonder where Lucy is. {calling) Lucy ! Lucy! {seats herself at table and einpties bag, preparing to go out.) Lucy {ansivermgfrom outside). Yes, mother ; yes, mother, coming. Enter Lucy, c. d. Mrs N. Oh, I'm so sorry that Mr. Wagner can't be with us this even- ing, lie's such a nice lively fellow. Lucy. Oh, yes, mother, he's a splendid young man, and he promised to write me and inform me when he would come down. But even if he should write, there is no knowing when a body would get the letter, as there is no regularity with the carriers now they are all such a stupid set of black apes. Mrs. N. Now, Lucy, go down stairs, see to things, and mind that all is prepared; and if any of the music comes, keep them playing outside, as it will prove very attractive, and make people talk about it. Lucy {moving about lively). Yes, marm, I'll go at once, and {talking - to audience) if my dear Wagner should only happen to come, I wouldn't I, care if lUl the rest of the company would starve to death, {sings a sona) \- Now if I could only send a letter to mv dear Wagner, and get an an- swer m tiine^. I am sure I should feel a great deal easier than I do now Ah, me! it seems strange he didn't let me know before this, and here I ve l)een waiting and waiting this live long dav, anxiously expectino- a letter However, I won't give up yet, for who knows but one of them Btunid black letter carriers might appear the next moment, {seats her- self at table, sewing and singing. Knocking heard outside. ) - Post Office Sam (o«^s^V^e). Hallo, hallo," there ! I say, missns, open de door-open de door. ' ^ ■ Lucy {stopping work and looking at door). Who's there ^ w' Sam. It's me it's me. ^ Lucy. Well, who is me? ^ Sam. Why. it's me de Post Office. ^ Lucy. I wonder who it is. I'll go and see. {she ojyens door andre- fj) tires to L. corner of stage, not noticing Sam.) Sam {entering). I, golly ! what a nice young ladv. U. C/ ill- UB. 4 UNITED STATES MAIL. Lucy {timiing around and noticing Sam). Well, sir, what do you want? Sam. I'se got a letter for you, missus, Lucy {overjoyed), A letter for me ? ■ Sam. Yes, missus— yes, indeed. Lucy Oh, thanks, {aside) From my dear Wagner. Sam. No, missus, I didn't bring it in a wagon. Lucy. Well, sir, give me the letter. ,r • Sam (getting doivn on his knees to look for the letter). Yes, missus ; hold on till I find 'em. I, golly ! now if dat ludy couldn't read, wouldn t ^ LucY^ery Impatient— aside). Dear me, I don't believe the fellow can 'read, {aloud) Why, sir, you are opening those letters. Don't you know you have no right to do that ? . , v ^ ^ Sam. Oh, yes, missus— I always do dat, kase dat's de way I get do ^^Lucy' What kept you so long ? The mails can't be very regular. Sam. Yes, missus, de mails am very unregular. Some ob em stays ^^LucY^^lear me, I'm quite out of patience. Haven't you found my ^^^tlT{aside). Well, I can't tell toder from which. I'll mix 'em all up too-eder and let her pick; one is just as good as de toder, kase dar am t noffin' in any ob 'em. {he gets up, presents whole hundle-she picks one out.) Lucy. This is my letter, you stupid goose. , Sam. I, golly ! dat was bery lucky she pick out de right one. 1 jes listen and see what's goin' on ; ma'by I have a chance to make some- ^^^LvGY {reads letter, Sam listening). "Dear Lucy— You may expect me under your window this evening at half past eleven, with a party ot friends, to give you, as the darkeys say, a grand salmanade." Sam {aside). Yes, an' I'll be dar to slam 'em in de head wid a large brick. ,„ A 4r~ Lucy (reads). " Lucy, be careful and wrap yourself up warm, and not expose your delicate form to the rude blasts and circumserucious effects of the night air. Yours in haste, Wagner." {she fold up letter, places it in her pocket or bosom, and turns and speaks to Sam) Well, sir, you can go. Sam. Yes, ma'm. You mean go out? Lucy. Yes, sir ; right out the way you came in. Sam. Yes— right out de sam.e door, den turn and Lucy. Yes, sir— yes, sir— that's the way. Sam. Well, I ain't going. Lucy. What, sir? (Sam holds out his hand) Vfhnt do you mean by ^^SAM.'^Come, come, missus ; don't be so ign'amous. You know what I mean. I want de i>ostage. ..,.•« Lucy. Oh ! ah, yes, the postage. How much is it, sir? Sam. Free shilling, ma'm. Lucy. La me ! three shillings ! Why, how far did you bring it ? T AM- Oh, I brought it furder dan dat. Lucy. You impudent scoundrel, I shan't pay you a cent. Sam. What ! you want to rob de mail, (noise outside representing a hand of music talking, tuning, etc., or just about begi7ining to play. Sam and Lucy in great fright for fear of being discovered. ) UNITED RTATES MAIL. 5 T.ucY. Dear mo, what slinll I do? Oli, my ! to be discovered here nkh this horrid black man ! I sliall be ruined. ifrir/hiened), \Vho'8 d'di, missus Lucy. That's a party of my Mends, and if they catch you here they will murder yon. Sam. What, murder de United States mail ? Lucy. Oh, you black rascal, why didn't you go out when I told you? Sam. Kase, missus, I'se like a candle— I neber go out till I'm put out, i)low'd cut, or burnt out. Lucy. Be quiet, you l)lack devil. I have it. S\M. Well, I'm ghid ob it— I've waited long enough. Lucy {hringinr/ a long iMe hag). Here, you ])lack rascal, get in this. Sam. What's dat? Lucy. Whv, that's a bag, and I want you to get in it. SaxM. Me get in dat bag— wliat, me? I, golly, missus, you can't bag me. No, no ; indeed you ain't a-going to spoil my nice clothes, no how, Lucy. Now do, Mr. Post Office- do let me persuade you. Sam. Missus, I'll get in dat bag on one 'sideration. Lucy. Well, what's that? Sam. Why, if you gib me something to eat and pays me de postage J 11 get in de bag. Lucy. Very well, very well— I'll do anything. Sam {aside). Now, who knows but I might make something by dis. Bar's one thing certain— if I do get in dat bag I'll have a chance to find out who her beau is. Besides, I'll just lay my cap down dar, and when he comes in he'll be jealous ob course, and dat will make a muss be- tween 'em. {-/Wise of music outside.) Lucy. Come, come, sir, hurry. Sam. Hold de bag open, {she holds the lag- he tries to get in. She r/oes to the door, and on her return Jinds he is not in the bag.) ■ Lucy. Oh, you stupid fool, you are not in the bag. {she takes the bag and gives him a push) Here, sir, be quick, hurry. Oh dear, {great scralMinq with the baq—he tries to get in.) Sam. Hold de bag open, missus. Dar, I got one leg in. I say, missus, put my coat-tail in. Dar, dat's right. Lucy. There, now remain quiet, that's a good fellow, {she tries to shove his head down in the bag, and he ivorks it out again, which busi- ness is repeated three or four times) There, that was a lucky idea of mine, and now, if he remains quiet, all will be right, {miusic plays some tmltz or 'polka from the wing.) Enter Wagner, d. f. Wagner. There, gentlemen, that will do; you can retire now, and I will settle with you in the morning. Ah, my dear Lucy, I am glad to see you. , . , , Lucy. What detained you so long ? I began to think you was not coming. ^ . ^ p • i Wagner. Well, I liad some little business with a friend of mine, and talked a little over my time. But why didn't you open the door on my arrival ? Ltjcy. I was arranging my toilet. Wagner {aside). Toilet ? Lucy {aside). Now for a little quarrel, {aloud) Look here, I've got a bone to pick with you. Wagner {astonished). A bone to pick with me? 0 UNITKl) STATES MAIL. Lucy. Yes, a bone to pick with you. Wagner. Well, I'm glad of it, I feel very hungry. Is it a ham bone, or a bone of a tui'key ? Lucy. Oh, you need not joke about the matter. I want to know who that lady was I saw you promenading with, last Friday afternoon. Wagner. Me — me, Lucy? Lucy. Yes, sir — you. Wagnee. What day was it? Luov. L;ist Friday afternoon. Wagnee, Now, Lucy, I know you must be mistaken, for last Friday I went a-fishlng. Lucy. I've no doubt of it, sir. Wagner. Look here, Lucy -since it comes to that, I've got a bone to pick with you too. Lucy, Well, sir, wliat have you got to say about me ? Sam. Dat's right gib her tits. It sarl)S her right for not paying" for de letter. I, golly, I wouldn't care if he was to kill her. Wagner. I should like you to inform me who that nice-lookinu- tall gentleman wafi that I saw you get out of an onuiibus with yesterday ; and after seeing you to the sidewalk, you took his arm very hundsome- ly ; then you l)Oth strutted gracefully together up Broadway. Ha, ha! how is that Lucy, eh? {aside) I think that will settle her hash. Lucy. You mean that tall gentleman ? Wagner. Yes, I mean that tall gentleman. Sam {aside, raising the bag as high as possible). Oh, that must have been me. Lucy. Now, dear Wagner, don't be angry, and I'll tell you the truth. Wagner {in a -pretended passion). Well, then, out with it, for I want to know my rival. Lucy. That was Mr. Banks, my French dancing-master. Wagner. Mr. Banks, eh? -your French dancing-master — hem! Sam {aside). He'll get Banks down de banks, I tink. Wagner, Yom^ French dancing-master, was it? Then you've been practicinii; dancing, have you? Lucy. Oli, yes ; and I'm improving remarkably. Wagnee, Well, Lucy, I should like you to show me some steps in dancing, as I am quite a novice in that fashionable exercise. Lucy. Well, I have no objection. What style of dancing do j^ou most admire. Wagner. Do you know anything about the schottishe, fancy style, or kauchowker ? Sam. My gracious, he wants her to dance till it chokes her. Lucy. Oh, yes. I can dance most anything in that line. Wagner. Well, I ain't particular— "most anything will suit. (Lucy dances — orchestra plays the trial dance in "La Bayadere," tlie first part twice over. ) Wagner {stops her by calling aloud). Hold up ! hold up ! That kind of dancin<>: don't exactly suit my taste. I admire something in the Old Vir^2;inia line. Sam {aside). I hope dey won't play dat; kase if dey does, I neber can keep still, and dat will spoil eberyting. Lucy. Well, I can dance that too. ^ Orchestra plays a negro jig or reel. Wagner looks on delighted through a quizzing-glass. Sam begins to dance in the bag. Wag- ner startled at this affair. Lucy pretending to be amazed. Sam trembles i)i the bag. UNITED STATES MAIL, 7 Wagner {enraged). Wlial's that, Lucy— what's that? Lucy {confounded and stammering). Th—th—th—tha— that's a bag of taters, my dear. Wagner {seeming to know the joke). A what?— what did you say? Lucy. A bag of taters. Wagnek {approacJies the hag on tiptoe, and lays both hand on top). A bag of taters ! I say, Lucy, if you call this a bag of taters, I'll be haug-ed if that ain't the biggest tater I ever saw. It's no matter, tliough : go on with the dance, ril keep my eye on the tulers. (Lucy dances the same tune again. Sam dances as before.) Wagner (cr/e.9«/o?^(i). Stop! stop! Holdup! hohlup! I say. Now, look liere, Lucy — I have no objection to your dancing, and ha,ve no ob- jection to dancing with you; but I don't want that confounded bag of taters to join in the cliorus. {he goes to bag and tarns it topsy-turvy— Lucy entreats him to withhold, but all to no effect) I'll just see if I can't peel these taters. {he takes hold of the bag by the feet and tries to get it off-.) Post Office Sam discovered. Picture — all three. Wagner. Lucv, this must be a Carolina potato. Sam. I'm a damaged tater. {bus.) Pull it off— pull it off. Here's a nice mess for de Post Office. (Wagner pulls off bag and keeps it) De mail's upset, ah ! ah ! Dey seen who I was, an' got skeered. Now, let me see, {looking at watch) I've just got time to 'liver dem oder letters. But afore I go I'll jes' liide away, an' den when dey go away I'll steal all de spoons, an' dat will jes' pay me for de postage an' de trouble, (gets up on tiptoe— discovers Wagner, who throws the bag at him. Sham fight. Finally they shake hands in the midst of the bustle.) Wagner. Who are you? Sam. Who is you ? Wagner. I'm— I'm Sam. So be L Wagner. What's your name? Sam. My name is Wagner. Come, sir, out with it. Sam. No, sir, dat ain't my name. Wagner. Well, wdiat the\levil do you want here? Sam. What de debil does you want liere? Lucy. Now don't be angry, my dear, and I'll explain it all, Sam (aside). I, golly, I'se got de bag, an' Pse gwine to keep it. Now, if I could only get out ob de liouse wid it. (rolls up the bag and stuffs it up the back of his coot.) Lucy. You see. according to your letter, you promised to give me a, nice serenade. Well, tliis fellow delivered me the letter, and as I had noch ngeto pay the ])ostage, lie refused to leave the house. Conse- quently, hearing"the company at the door, I thought myself in rather a Iieculiar predicament, and was so confused that I hardly knew what to do ; and to save all further troul)le, I insisted on his getting into that bag, and remaining perfectly quiet until a good opportunity offered for his escape. Sam. Dat's a fac', massa— dat's a fac'. Wagner. Well, Lucv, I believe you ; and since the thing is so clearly explained, I'll forget it all. T say. you black devil, there's my hand, {they shake hands.) Sam. Oh, yes, I handle moi'o dirt dnn dat ebery day. Wagner, What do you mean by th-at, sir, eh? • UNITED STATES MAIL. 8 feAM. Oh, nuffm', imffiii'. , n o Wagner. I sav, what's that large lump on your shoulder, there Sam. Don't— don't— don't trouble dat. Lucy. La, me, what is it? Sam. Why, dat's a corn. ■ ^ , . Lucy and Wagner {both astonished). My gracious ! what a place lor ^ Wagner. Look here. Lucy— suppose we make it all right again and have a little dance just to ourselves, right here, before we admit the company. What sny you, eh ?— and you, you picture of ebony, wouldn t you like to dance too? Sam. Oh, yes, I'll dance if missus dar will dance wid me fust. (Llcy hows co7isent.) All arrange to dance a straight reel- all reel off, and in beginning to dance Lucy turns and dances to Wagner. Sam puts his head vn between them to ask an explanatio7i, -when Wagner imshes him awau Sam pantomimes vengeance, and goes to the table, gets a handful ofjlour, throws it in the face o/Lucy, who screams and faints. Wagner tries to save her from falling-she backs iqi the staqe holding on to Wagner's collar. Wagner's back is to the audience-^AM seizes him by the coat-tails ayid jerks one off, which discovers a large peculiar red patch. Sam laughs heartily, point- ing at the same time at Wagner, tcho is in a great flurry with Lucy, etc. ^ ^ CURTAIN. EXPLANATION OF THE STAGE DIRECTIONS. The Actor is supposed to face the Audience. D. R. C. C. D. K. U. E. SCENE. K. 3 E. K. 3 E. / B. 1 E. / / E. U. E. \ L. 3 E. \ L. 2 E. L, 1 B. C. C. C. AUDIENCE. c. Centre. B. Right. B. c. Righ.t Centre, B. 1 E. Right First Entrance. B. 2 E. Right Second Entrance. B 3e. Right Third Entrance. B. u. E. Right Upper Entrance. p. B. c. Door Right Centre. L. Left. L. c. Left Centre. L. 1 E. Left First Entrance. L 2 E. Left Second Entrance. L 3 E. Left Third Entrance. L. u. E. Left Upper Entrance. c. D. Centre Door. D. L. c. Door Left Centre. HAQEMAN^S MAKE-UP BOOK ByMAUklCB HAQEMAN. Author of "What Became of Parker,*" 'Prof. RobiESon,** ••Hector," **Mb» Mulcahy,** "The First Kiss/' "By Telephone,'* "To Bent/* etc Price. 2S cents. The Importance of an effective make-up is becoming more apparent to the professional actor every year, but hitherto there has been no book on the subject describing the modern methods and at the same time covering all branches of the art. 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