/I E> RAR.Y OF THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS HISTORICAL THE OR Insane Asylums Unveiled: AS DEMONSTRATED BY THE Report of the Investigating Committee of the legislature of Illinois, TOGETHER WITH BY MRS. E. P. W. PACKARD. "Ye shall know the truth." CHICAGO: PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR. A. B. CASK, Printer' 139 Monroe St 1868. op. 3 Intend according to act of Congress A. D., 1868, by MRS. E. P. W. PACKAEB, ID the Clerkl offioe of the Dist Court for the Northern Hist, of Illinois. Preface. The legalized usurpation of human rights is the great evil underlying our social fabric. From this corrupt center spring the evils of our social system. This corruption has culmin- ated in the Insane Asylums of the nineteenth century. Let the Government but remove this cause of insanity, and the * need of such Institutions would be greatly lessened. o- So long as the enlightened mothers of the present day are obliged to assert and defend their own identity, sim- Q ply because the Government fails to doit, so long will their '*7 offspring bear the seeds of unbalanced organization, which . only waits for" circumstances to develop into insanity. -jjj It is one object of the writer in giving her narrative to the world, to fasten the public eye upon this evil, as the great germinating cause of the insanity of the present age. fj The great evil of our present Insane Asylum System lies ' in the fact, that insanity is there treated as a crime, instead ^ of a misfortune, which is indeed a gross act of injustice. ^"Supposing our Government should establish a Charitable In- < stitutiori for the purpose of taking all who have had the mis- ' n fortune to lose their property, and imprison them, where they ^ could be punished to any extent, without appeal, for this ca- 1^' lamity which had befallen them. Supposing too,th Govern- 212359 IV PREFACE. ment forced this class to accept the discipline of this Charit- able Institution, without their own consent, on the verdict of a jury, that they had lost their property would this guar- dianship of human rights be recognized as hnmanitarian or just? But supposing the defenders of such Institutions should contend that it is for "their good," and the good of "society" to thus entomb them; "for, they are no comfort to themselves, nor their families," while saddened by the loss of their for- tunes and business reputation; and besides, we do not call this Institution a Prison, but an Asylum, "where they can rest, and be kindly cared for." But permit me to reply that calling it an Asylum, when it is in reality a Prison, where they are punished for their mis- fortune, does not materially help the matter. And besides, whether legalized injustice ever promoted the good of the individual, or society, is a question yet to be settled. To lose one's property and become poor and dependent is a great misfortune, and such unfortunates ought to receive our commiseration, and be encouraged and helped to rise and retrieve their fortunes, instead of being cast out of society as public nuisances, to be publicly branded as men whose busi- ness capacities are henceforth to be regarded with suspicion and distrust. If it would be unreasonable to treat the mis- fortune of losing property on this principle, how can it be reasonable to treat a greater misfortune that of losing one's reason on this same principle ? In disclosing to the blinded public the real character of their Insane Asylums, the author has relied mainly upon her own personal observation, and three years experience, as data PKEFAOE. V from which to draw her own conclusions ; and if from this data her conclusions are not legitimate, she asks the reader to be the judge. And it is to add weight to these conclusions, that she has annexed to her narrative the testimony of several other mar- ried women, who have experienced a term of imprisonment in Jacksonville Insane Asylum. Of these five ladies whose statements she has appended, three of them, viz : Mrs. Olsen, Mrs.Minard and Mrs. Shedd, claim that they have never been insane. Of that part of Mrs. Olsen's thrilling narrative relating to myself, the writer would say that she feels a delicacy in al- lowing herself to be so lauded in her own book, and that her only apology for so doing lies in the fact, that her confidence in Mrs Olsen's intelligence, Christianity and her purity of purpose was so entire, that she consented to publish her nar- rative before reading it herself. It may be a satisfaction to the readers of this volume to know, that the facts herein stated have been authenticated and corroborated by the Illinois Investigating Committee, ap- pointed by the Legislature of 1867 to investigate and report the result to the Governor ; which they did on the second of December, following. In this Report, the writer, Mrs. Olsen, Mrs.Minard, Mrs. Shedd, and five others, were acknowledged as competent witnesses in the following language, viz : "In point of intelligence, character and credibility, they are as worthy of belief as other witnesses on whose testimo- ny in courts, the property, character, liberty and lives of suit- ors daily depend. "The committee have entire confidence in the belief, that VI PREFACE. all these witnesses had a clear understanding, and compre- hended, when examined, the obligations of the oath adminis- tered" to them; and in an unusually intelligent manner testi- fied to matters within their recollection, and were prudent and entirely honest, and testified to facts as they believed them to exist. "With one or two, unimportant exceptions, neither of them exhibited any appearance of a disordered intellect, moral obliquity, or defective memory ; and, therefore, to re- ject their testimony, appeared to the Committee as calculated to defeat an investigation after the truth, and possibily sub- vert the ends of public justice." MBS. E. P. W. PACKARDI Chicago, May, 1868. CONTENTS. Introduction 11 CHAPTER I. Inspiring Sentiments 13 CHAPTER H. Result of expressing my Obnoxious views, viz : Free Discussion of Religious Belief -Rights of Private Judgment " Total Depravity" The Unlimited Atonement God's Immutabil- ity "What is it to be a Christian Freedom of Conscience Spiritual Gifts Questions for the Class 14 CHAPTER III. My Abduction. 34 CHAPTER IV. My Abduction continued 44 CHAPTER V. My Journey 61 CHAPTER VI. My Reception 69 CHAPTER VII. My First Day of Prison Life 61 CHAPTER VHI. The Parting Scene 69 CHAPTER IX. Disappointed Hopes 73 CHAPTER X. The Sunny Side of my Prison Life ... 11 CHAPTER XI. My Transition 85 CHAPTER XII. Removal from the Best Ward to the "Worst 88 CHAPTER XIII. My Occupation 93 CHAPTER XIV. How I Obtained my Papers 99 CHAPTER XV. Evidences of My Insanity 102 CHAPTER XVI. The Attendant who Abused me 107 CHAPTER XVII. " Let Dr. McFarland Bear his own Sins" 110 CHAPTER XVIII. Attempted Reconciliation with Mr. Packard Ill (7) vm / CONTENTS. CHAPTER XIX. Letter to My Children sent to the Wash tub 116 CHAPTER XX. How I Obtained my first Writing Paper 119 CHAPTER XXI. An Honorable Act in Dr. McFarland 121 CHAPTER XXII. Married Women Unprotected 124 CHAPTER XXIII. My Life Imperiled 1 127 CHAPTER XXIV. Hope of Dr. McFarland's Repentance 132 CHAPTER XXV. " You should Return to your Husband" 133 CHAPTER XXVI. Uncared for 136 CHAPTER XXVU. Self-defense Clandestine Letters 139 CHAPTER XXVIII. Miss Mary Tomlin A Model Attendant 147 CHAPTER XXIX. Mrs. McFarland The. Matron 150 CHAPTER XXX. Guilty Husbands 154 CHAPTER XTXT The Sane kept for the Doctor's Benefit 151 CHAPTER XXXII. An Unpleasant Response 162 CHAPTER XXXIII. Is Man the Lord of Creation 163 CHAPTER XXXIV. Petition to the Trustees Presented September 1861 165 CHAPTER XXXV. The Rights of the Tax Payers 169 CHAPTER XXXVI. The Imputation of Insanity a Barrier to Human Progress 170 CHAPTER XXXVH. Mr. James Lyon's Advice 174 CHAPTER XXXVIII. Record of a. Day 175 CHAPTER XXXIX. How I Bought and Retained some Paper 179 CHAPTER XL. The Aristocracy of Jacksonville Rebuked Another Honorable Act. 183 CHAPTER XLI. " Love Tour Enemies" 187 CHAPTER XLII. How Mr. Packard gave me Paper and how I lost it 189 CONTENTS. . ix CHAPTER XLIII. Dialogues with Dr. McFarland on the Woman Question 191 CH AFTER XLIV. My Family Relatives 194 CHAPTER XLV. Old Mrs. Timmons Deserted by her Children 199 CHAPTER XLVI. Mrs. Cheneworth's Suicide Medical Abuse 202 CHAPTER XLVH. Changes and how Brought About 21] CHAPTER XLVIII. My Battle with Despotism No Surrender 215 CHAPTER XLIX. Good comes of Seeming Evil 219 CHAPTER L. Reading Books and Papers 221 CHAPTER LI. Abusing Mrs. Stanley 225 CHAPTER LII. Subduing a New Prisoner . . . 228 CHAPTER Lin. Treatment of the Sick 232 CHAPTER LIY. Mrs. Leonard's Visit to her Mother 234 CHAPTER LV. Mrs. Emeline Bridgman or Nature's Laws Broken 238 CHAPTER LVI. The Guilt of Folly 245 CHAPTER LVII. Mrs. "Watts Driven from off her Sick Bed 249 CHAPTER LVIII. Dangerous to be a Married Woman in Illinois 250 CHAPTER LIX. Interview with Mr. Wells of Chicago A Victim of Homesickness. 253 CHAPTER LX. An Asylum Sabbath 257 CHAPTER LXI. Letters to Dr. McFarland 258 CHAPTER LXII. My Attempt to get an Attendant Discharged 261 CHAPTER LXIII. A New Attendant Installed Something New 265 CHAPTER LXIV. My Protest Deprives me of no Privileges 267 CHAPTER LXV. Dr. McFarland a Respecter of Persons 269 CHAPTER LXVI. Kidnapping the Soul 271 Al x CONTENTS; CHAPTER LXVII. Orthodox Heaven and Hell 214 CHAPTER LXVIII. A Scene in the Fifth "Ward A Good Omen 216 CHAPTER LXIX. Every Moral Act Influences the Moral Universe 280 CHAPTER LXX. The Death Penalty to be Annihilated 281 CHAPTER LXXI. I was Punished for Telling the Truth 284 CHAPTER LXXII. "Wrong Actions arc Suicidal 289 CHAPTER LXXHI. Mrs.Sybil Dole A Fallen Woman 289 CHATER LXXIY. Can a Blind Person See 292 CHAPTER LXXV. Human Instincts above Human Enactments 294 CHAPTER LXXVI. The Prisoner who called Himself " Jesus Christ" 296 CHAPTER LXXVH. Letter to Judge "Whitlock of Jacksonville 300 CHAPTER LXXVIIL Difference between Contentment and Patience 303 CHAPTER LXXIX. My Successful Attempt to Obtain my Freedom 305 CHAPTER LXXX. The Dawning of a New Dispensation 312 CHAPTER LXXXI. The Moral Barometer Indicates a Storm A Hurricane 316 CHAPTER LXXXII. The Clouds Disperse 323 CHAPTER LXXXIII. My Oldest Son Obtains my Discharge 327 CHAPTER LXXXIV. The Trustees Force me into the Hands of Mr. Packard 329 CHAPTER LXXXV. Jacksonville Insane Asylum a Type of other Insane Asylums 338 CHAPTER LXXXVI. A Note of Thanks to the Railroad Companies and the Press of 111.. 339 CHAPTER LXXXVII. An Appeal to the People of Illinois for a Redress of my "Wrongs. . 340 PART I. INTRODUCTION. "A wounded spirit who can bear." Spirit wrongs are the keenest wounds that can be inflicted upon woman. Her na- ture is so sensitively organized that an injury to her feelings is felt more keenly than an injury to her person. The fortitude of her nature enables her to endure physical suffering heroically ; but the wound which her spirit feels under a wanton physical abuse is far more deeply felt, and is harder to be borne than the physical abuse itself. Her very benevolent, confiding, forgiving nature, renders it a greater crime to abuse her spirit, than to abuse her person. To most men, and some women, this position may appear ab- surd, yet it is true ; neither do we feel disposed to blame this class for not appreciating it, for their coarser organization incapacitates them to understand us. When woman is brought before our man courts, and our man juries, and has no bruises, or wounds, or marks of violence upon her person to show as a ground of her complaint, it is hard for them to realize that she has any cause for appeal to them for protection ; while at the same time her whole phys- ical system may be writhing in agony from spirit wrongs, such as can only be understood by her peers. Spiritual, sensitive woman, knowing this fact, suffers on in silent anguish without appeal, until death kindly liberates her from her prison-house of unappreciated suffering. Xll INTRODUCTION. It is to delineate these spiritual wrongs of woman, that I have given my narrative to the public, hoping that my more tangible experiences may draw the attention of the philan- thropic public to a more just consideration of married woman's legal disabilities ; for since the emancipation of the negro, there is no class of American citizens, who so much need legal protection, and who receive so little, as this class. As their representative, I do not make complaint of phys- ical abuses, but it is the usurpation of our natural rights of which we complain ; and it is our legal position of nonentity, which renders us so liable and exposed to suffering and perse- cution from this source. In the following narrative of my experiences, the reader will therefore find the interior of woman's life delineated through the exterior surroundings of her bitter experiences. I state facts through which the reader may look in to woman's soul, as through a mirror, that her realm of suffering may be thus portrayed. I therefore commence my narrative where my persecution commenced, with the marital usurpation of my rights of opin- ion and conscience, and as I progress, will note such incidents as I can best employ to portray my feelings, rather than the recital of the physical abuses I witnessed; since my Coadjutors and the Committee have so graphically described the exterior life of the prisoner, it is unnecessary for me to enlarge on this feature of prison life in Insane Asylums. My Asylum journal, delineating my inner life more particu- larly, is given, of course, in the language in which it was written at the time, and will doubtless, to many appear, for this reason, to be strong language. Allow me to suggest to such critics, that before you harshly and rashly censure the writer, just place yourselves in her exact position, and then judge whether your real emotions could be clothed in milder language. And let us remember too, that if we speak at all, it is the truth alone we are bound to utter, regardless of the censure or applause of mortals. I. Inspiring Sentiments. Providence hinges mighty events on pivots exceedingly small. What men call accidents, are God's appointed inci- dents. We are traitors to any truth when we suppress the utterance of it, and allow the opposite error to go unrebuked. High principles must be advanced as real laws. A desire to elevate all mankind to the nobleness for which they are de- signed, should manifest the depth and purity of our moral convictions. We should meet evil with mildness, yet, with unfaltering firmness. We shoxild aim to bring out a noble spirit into daily intercourse, believing that a holy life is a more precious offering to truth, than retired speculations and writing ; for, he who leaves a holy life behind him, bequeaths to the world a richer legacy than any book. The want of moral courage to carry out great principles, and to act upon them at all risks, is fatal to originality, because the faculties slumber within, being weighed down by the chains of custom. This habit of reliance on principle, should give us a buoyant consciousness of superiority to every outward influence. A far higher anticipation of great results from worthy deeds, should make us strenuous in action, and fill us with a cheer- ful trust. We must be palsied by no fear to offend, no desire to please, no dependence upon the judgment of others. The consciousness of self subsistence, of disinterested conformity to high principles, will command an open freedom to our utterances, and will summon into our service a spiritual force that will resist and overcome all obstacles. (13) 14 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Under the inspiration of such sentiments have I penned the following narrative of my experiences, beneath a dark cloud of adverse events, whose silver lining is yet to be discovered to my physical vision. As the dyer uses mordants to set his colors, so my Heavenly Father has employed the mordant of adversity to individualize my sentiments of morality and virtuous action. And, by my experiences, it would seem, that my Father intended to so capacitate me, that I should be daunted and discouraged by nothing, that true loyalty might be burned into my heart. This loyalty demands that individual reason and conscience be the guide of human actions. It allows no oligarchy of creeds, sects, or customs to be a standard, which ignores the individual as the sove- reign over himself. The God within, is the monarch of this realm of human freedom. IL Result of Expressing my Obnoxious Tiews. I have been Illinois State's Prisoner three years in Jack- sonville Insane Asylum, for simply expressing religious opin- ions in a community who were unprepared to appreciate and understand them. I was incarcerated June 18, 1860, and liberated June 18, 1863. Fortunately for me, all these ob- noxious views were presented in writing, and are now in my own possession, although they were, secretly taken from me, at the time of my abduction, and retained for years in the hands of my persecutor, Rev. Theophilus Packard, who was at that time the r.astor of the Old School Presbyterian Church at Manteno, Kankakee County, Illinois. He had been my husband for twenty-one years, and was the father of my six children, five of whom are boys, and one girl. At the time he forced me from my dear little ones, mv daughter was ten years old and my babe eighteen months . I was in perfect health and of sound mind, and cheerfully and faith- OBNOXIOUS VIEWS. 15 fully performing the duties of wife and mother to the entire satisfaction of my family and society, so far as I know. And, since the only plea Mr. Packard makes in defence of this course is, that my religious views were dangerous to the spiritual interests of his children and the community, I feel called upon to present these views, frankly and candidly, that my readers may judge for themselves whether my imprison- ment can be justified on this basis. As an Introduction therefore to my "Hidden Life" in my prison, I shall present these views just as I presented them to the bible elass in Manteno, a few weeks before my incar- ceration. I became connected with this class at the special re- quest of Deacon Abijah Dole, the teacher of the class, and with the full and free consent of my husband. Mr. Dole gave as his reason for wishing me to join his class, that he found it impossible to awaken any interest, and he fondly hoped that I might bring forward some views which might elicit the attention he desired. I seated myself among his pupils, who then numbered only six men in all, as a sincere seeker after the truth. Mr. Dole allowed his pupils to be regarded as mutual teachers, so that all were allowed to ask questions and offer suggestions. Availing myself of this license, others were encouraged to follow my example, so that our class soon became the place of animating discussions, and as our tolerant teacher allowed both sides of a question to be discussed I found it became to me a great source of pleasure and profit. Indeed, I never can recollect a time when my mind grew into a knowledge of religious truths faster, than under the influence of these free and animated discussions. The effect of these de- bates was felt throughout the whole community, so that our class of seven soon increased to forty-six, including the most influential members of the community. About this time a latent suspicion seemed to be aroused, lest the church creed be endangered by this license of free inquiry and fair discussion ; and a meeting of some of the leading church-members was called, wherein this bible-class 16 THE PRISONEE'S HIDDEN LIFE. was represented as being a dangerous influence, involving the exposure of the creed to the charge of fallibility. To prevent this, it was agreed that the tolerant Deacon Dole must be exchanged for the intolerant Deacon Smith, in order that free discussion might be effectually put down. And this Deacon Smith suggested, that the way to put down free -dis- cussion was, to put down Mrs. Packard. This he engaged to do, in case they would install him as teacher. This being done, the battle commenced, and I found our license had ex- pired with our kind teacher's resignation. Ignorant as I was of this conspiracy against the right of private opinions,! continued to use this God given right, as my judgment and conscience dic- tated, until I found, by open opposition, that it was the ex- press object of the change, to abolish all expression of any views which did not harmonize with the Presbyterian Church creed. I knew and felt that it was their determination to fetter me, and bring me into unquestioning acknowledgment of their doctrines, as the sum total of all important truths. Of course I could not do this, and be honest to myself; but from this point, I had the precaution to put into a written form, every idea I uttered in conflict with what Deacon Smith thought orthodox views, so as to avoid being misrep- resented, and I almost uniformly read these papers to Mr. Packard, before presenting them to the class, and secured from him his consent to my reading them. This digested form of presenting my ideas, tended to in- crease rather than diminish the interest in favor of my new views, so that finally after Mr. Packard had given his con- sent for my reading my articles, Mr. Smith would refuse to have them read. Up to this point, Mr. Packard acted the man, and the Christian, in his treatment of me. But now came the fatal crisis when evil influences overcame him ! One afternoon Deacon Smith visited him in his study, and held a secret interview with him of two hours length, when he left him a different man. That evening just before retir- ing to rest, he remarked in a very pleasant tone, "Wife, I want to talk with you a little while, come here !" OBNOXIOUS VIEWS. 17 I went into his extended arms, and sat upon his lap, and encircled his neck with my arm, when he remarked in a very mild tone of voice. "Now wife, hadn't you better give up these bible class discussions? Deacon Smith thinks you had better, and so do some others, and I think you had better too." " Husband, I should be very glad to get rid of the responsi- bility if I can do so honorably, but I do not like to yield a natural right to the dictation of bigotry and intolerance, as Deacon Smith demands, but I am willing to say to the class that as Deacon Smith, and Mr. Packard, and others, have ex- pressed a wish that I withdraw my discussions from the class, I do so, at their request, not from any desire to shrink from investigation on my part, but for the sake of peace, as they view it." " No, wife, that won't do; you must resign yourself." "Won't that be resigning, and that too on a truthful basis?" "No, you must tell them it is your choice to give them up." " But, dear, it is not my choice I" "But you can make it so, under the circumstances." " Yes, lean make it so, by stating the truth; but I can't by telling a lie." "Well, you must do it!" "0 husband ! how can you yield to such an evil influence ? Only think ! Here you have pledged before God and man that you will be my protector, until death part us, and now you are tempted to become my persecutor ! Do be a man, and go to the class, in defiance of Deacon Smith, and say to the class, 'my wife has just as good a right to her opinions as you have to yours, and I shall protect her in that right. You need not believe her opinions unless you choose; but she has a right to defend her honest opinions as well as your- selves. I shall not suffer her to be molested in this right.' Then you will be a man a protector of your wife and you will deserve honor, and you will have it. But if you become 18 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. my persecutor and go against me, asDeacon Smith desires, you will deserve dishonor, and you will surely get it. Don't fall into this fatal snare, which the evil one has surely laid for you." He construed my earnestness into anger, and thrust me from him, determining to risk this result at all hazards. From that fatal time, all good influences seemed to have for- saken him, and he left to pursue his downward way, with no power to resist evil or flee from the tempter. Reason, conscience, judgment, prudence, consistency and affection, all, all directly sunk into the fatal sletep of stupidity or death. From that point, I have never had a protector in my hus- band. He has only been my persecutor ! In a few weeks from that time, he forcibly entombed me within the massive walls of Jacksonville Asylum prison, to rise no more, if he could prevent it. He told me he did this, to give the impression that I was insane, so that my opinions need not be believed, for, said he, "I must protect the cause of Christ!" The following is a copy of some of the articles I prepared for the class, wherein my most radical opinions are delineated, which led to this unnatural imprisonment. Free Discussion of Religious Belief. i Free discussion implies that both sides of a subject can be investigated, and allows full liberty to each individual to ex- press his honestly cherished opinions, and also give his rea- sons in support of them. My classmates, we have nothing to fear in applying the scales of free discussion to our reli- gious belief, for truth will sustain itself ; the scales of free - discussion, intelligently used, always preponderate on the side of the truth, that is, the weightiest reasons always bear upon that side, and indicate a balance in its favor. For instance, should we wish to test the existence of a God in the scales of free discussion, what have we to fear in the use of the scales on this point? If we are not prepared to sup- FEEB DISCUSSION". 19 port his existence by such arguments as will make the scales preponderate right, is it not best for us to bestow study upon that point sufficient to defend it with intelligent reason, since this is confidently assumed to be a truth in our creed? Then we shall be prepared to defend, as well as assert our belief. It is not respectful for us to say to our opponents on this or any other point, "I know your side is the wrong one, and you ought to take our positive assertion as authority sufficient to condemn you as a heretic, simply because you believe contrary to my honestly cherished opinions." No, my classmates, the religion of authority has had its day a reasonable religion, such as will bear the infallible tests of truth, based on arguments drawn from God's word and works is the religion for us. Truth should be endorsed by us through our reasoning faculties alone, and therefore should not conflict with our common sense and enlightened reason. And it is my opinion that the religion God sent to man, is so peculiarly adapted to man's nature, as not to conflict with the common-sense views of the common mass of minds. And ere the bright millennial day dawns upon us, I believe that theologically sectarian views, will give place to the common- sense views of mankind, and that this is to be the way there is to be " but one God, one faith, one baptism." Now, what can be the harm, dear classmates, in our trying to hasten this day, by bringing our educated belief to this test, by kindly using the scales of free discussion. For my- self, I feel willing to have all my opinions tested by these scales, and I am willing to yield any point of belief to a weightier invincible argument in the opposite scale that is, those views which seem best supported by sound argument and candid reasoning I willingly endorse, although they may conflict with some of my preconceived ideas, or my educated belief, or even with our sectarian creeds. For it is not im- possible but that some simple moral truth may have become perverted by educational influences. And candor and hon- esty, it seems to me, compel us to admit, that there is a mixture of truth and error in the creeds of all denominations 20 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. of Christians, not even excepting the creed of the Presby- terian church ; and what can be the harm in thus testing these views, and thereby separating the precious from the vile, rather than by trying to defend our sectarian creeds", by arguments and reasons which are not based in truth for their support, thus perpetuating falsehood or errors. It is my desire, dear classmates, that this social bible class be employed as a means to fit us to become valiant defenders of our faith that we here capacitate ourselves to defend all points of our belief by rational and intelligent reasons, that we may be able to meet the common enemy of our holy religion with arguments " such as he can not gainsay or resist. 1 ' The truth never suffers by agitation and free dis- cussion. It is error alone that fears the light and shrinks before the scales. Let us dare to judge for ourselves what is right, and let us know what right and truth are, by bring- ing our religious belief to this test of reason and common sense. Let us throw off the blinding influence of prejudice and sectarian zeal, and come up upon the nobler, higher plat- form of being simple, sincere, charitable, honest seekers after the real, simple, naked truth. Having obtained permission from our teacher, Deacon Smith, to read the above article before the class, I com- menced reading; but finding it to be a defence of what he had determined to stop free discussion he interrupted me, by forbidding my reading any farther. Of course I quietly submitted to this mandate with unanswering obedience. Bights of Private Judgment. I profess to be no theologian, or to have adopted the creed of any sect or denomination of Christians as infallible. But I do profess to take the works and word of God, or facts and revelation as our only infallible guide in our search for truth, and a "thus saith the Lord," as a settling of all controversy. But since I know it to be a fact that equally sincere and honest Christians put a very different construction upon the same event of Providence, and the same text of scripture, PKIVATE JUDGMENT. 21 I feel that we are compelled to assume the responsibility of private judgment. And in so doing, I believe we are obey- ing Christ's directions in the 57th verse of the 12th chapter of Luke, viz : "And why, even of yourselves, judge ye not what is right ?" I regard this bible class as having reached that stage of development where God holds us individually responsible for our belief. I therefore esteem it a great privilege to be in a bible class where our opinions are called for, rather than the opinions of commentators. Not that I wish to disregard the opinions of commentators, or learned theologians in my search for Bible truth ; for I do think that their opinions are entitled to great deference and respect. While I at the same time believe that the Bible is a book so peculiar in its nature, that learning and talent are not indispensable to a correct interpretation of it, any more than experience and education are indispensably necessary to our judging correct- ly of the wants of nature. For instance, because an adult may choose strong drink to allay his thirst, and the child prefer cold water, I do not think we are justified in conclud- ing that strong drink is the best adapted to meet the wants of nature, simply because a mature man chooses it ; for this adult may have perverted his natural appetite, so that his choice may not be so much in accordance with nature as the instincts of the child. As in our physical, so in our moral nature, there may be a liability that a simple moral truth may have been perverted by educational influences. There- fore, I do not think that because a talented and learned theologian advances an opinion, that he is certainly correct ; neither because an illiterate layman holds a different opinion, do I think he is certainly wrong. But in both cases we should judge of the opinion upon its own intrinsic merits, independent of the source or medium through which it comes to us. Now, dear classmates, conscious that I am alone and per- sonally responsible to God for my religious belief, I do not want to embrace an error. Therefore I will be very thank- 22 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. ful to be shown wherein my opinions are unsound, or my reasoning inconclusive. Just consider my views, not as those of a theologian, but as one who is searching for truth on the same common plane with yourselves ; and I ask you to give my opinions no more credence, than you think truth entitles them "to as you view it. For it is the common sense of common men and common women that I so much covet as my tribunal of judgment, rather than learned commentators, or popular theologians, or venerable doctors of divinity. "Total Depravity." It is the authority of creeds, echoed by the theologians and ministers of the Presbyterian pulpit, not excepting our own pastor, that human nature is necessarily a sinful nature. Now I ask the privilege of presenting to our class this question: "If human nature is necessarily a sinful nature, how could Christ take upon himself human nature and know no sin?" This question was referred to their pastor for an answer. Mr. Packard gave it as his opinion that a " Holy God might make a holy human nature for Christ, and a sinful nature for the rest of the human family." Upon this, one of the class inquired, " Can a holy God make sin?" These questions troubled both our teacher, Deacon Smith, and their pastor. They could not answer them satisfactorily to themselves or the class ; and it was to extricate them- selves from this unpleasant dilemma, that they at once agreed that this question was the result of a diseased brain, from whence it had emanated, and therefore it was unworthy of their consideration ! Thus their reputation for intelli- gence and ability was placed beyond question, and the infal- libility of their creed remained inviolate ! And their poor afflicted Christian sister must be kindly cared for within the massive walls of a prison, lest her diseased brain communicate its contagion to other brains, and then what will become of our creed ! for we cannot afford to follow the example of this "Man of God," and sacrifice our wives and mothers to save our creed 1 TOTAL DEPRAVITY. 23 SPARE THE CREED I Though the mother's heart do bleed, Spare, 0, spare our trembling creed I Though her tender infants cry, Though they pine, and droop, and die, Though her daily care they need, Spare, 0, spare our trembling creed ! Force the mother from her home I That once pure and peaceful dome ; Bind her fast with maniacs, where None will heed her yearning prayer ; Let cold bars and bolts and keys Fetter mothers such as these 1 Iron manacles we need To protect our darling creed. "What are homes or children's claims ? What a doting mother's aims ? What were life, love, liberty, If our creed imperiled be ! Nothing in this world we heed, Like our dear endangered creed. Thus State power august hath wrought Fetters for too daring thought I Souls thus bold, Asylums need, To protect our precious creed. MRS. S. N. B. 0. This was the pivot on which my reputation for sanity was suspended ; for I could not be made to confess that God made a bad or sinful article when he made human nature ; but on the contrary, I claimed that all which God made was "good" that is, was just as he intended it to be; and I furthermore argued, that to be natural, was to be just as God had made me to be that to be unnatural, was to be wrong or sinful. I claimed that God's work, as he made it, was perfect it needed no regeneration to make it right that regeneration was necessary only when we had become unnat- ural or different from what God had made us. I willingly acknowledged that our natures in their present state, were perverted or depraved, in many instances to a painful degree; but that none are entirely lost to all traces of the divine image. For example, the drunkard is depraved in his appe- 24: THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. tite for drink, and the regeneration he needs, is not a nei appetite but a restoration of it to its natural, original, unpei verted state. Then he would have only a natural appetit for food and drink, which is in itself no sin ; but the sin cor sists in his abuse of a natural instinct, not in the natural us of it. So that the natural exercise of our faculties, as Goi has made them, is not wrong, but only the unnatural o abusive use of them is wrong or sinful. The Unlimited Atonement. The professedly orthodox pulpit says, that " God intend all mankind for a life of purity, virtue and happiness." Nov I wish to ask, if God's intentions can be thwarted ? If the^ can not be thwarted, and God intended all mankind for hap piness, will not all men be saved ? If God intended it, am does not accomplish it, is he omnipotent? I believe God ii omnipotent that he intends nothing but good and he wil carry out all his intentions. I believe the devil is not om nipotent that he intends nothing but evil and he wil ultimately fail in all his intentions. Therefore, God's intention in sending his Son into th< world to redeem and save it, can not be defeated ; and whei he assures us in his word that he "would that all men b< saved," I believe that he is sincere, and thereby intends tc bring all men ultimately to repentance and faith in Christ And when he assures us that " death and hell shall be de stroyed," I believe it. And therefore there must ultimately be a time when sin and punishment shall cease to be; and as sin and punishment had a beginning, they must have an end, But as God never had a beginning, so will he never have arj end, but is destined ultimately, to be the mighty ponqueroi and head over all. God's Immutability. While Deacon Smith was our teacher, I once asked hiir this question, viz : "Did God change his purpose towards Nineveh, when he said he would destroy Nineveh and after BIBLE CLASS DISCUSSIONS. 25 wards saved it, as Jonah seemed to think he did, and expos- tulated with him to this effect? " Deacon Smith replied, "He did not. God never changes his purposes." This I considered as a correct answer; but his attempt to reconcile the two facts, viz : his attribute of unchangeableness, and his change towards Nineveh, was not satisfactory. He simply remarked, " God was not obliged to explain his plans and operations of government to Jonah's satisfaction." This reason seemed to my mind to reflect a degree of dishonor upon the perfect character of our God. I believe we have a right to inquire, like Jonah, into a knowledge of his ways concerning us, and that we can, and ought, so to interpret his providences as not to reflect dis- honor upon his character for justice and veracity, either in word or action ; and I believe he is willing thus to manifest himself to us, and thereby convict us of pur unreasonable complaints against his providences towards us. I say this suggestion from Deacon Smith did not satisfy me, but the suggestion of Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Dixon did fully satisfy me. They said, " the Ninevites repented, as a reason why God's actions towards them changed." Here was the key which unlocked all the mystery. It is we that change, not God. He has unchangeably decreed that sin and sinners shall be punished. And he has unchangeably decreed to extend par- don and forgiveness to the repentant sinner. These two eternal purposes are his unchangeable decrees thus to act in all future time. The Ninevites knew it was so, and there- fore they resorted to the only possible way they could resort to and be saved. They repented God's immutable purpose stood unchanged. They were forgiven, and thus saved. "What is it to be a Christian? It is not to cease to be a sinner. "No man liveth and sinnethnot." All come short of perfect obedience to God's laws. To be a Christian is to be like Christ that is, to live in accordance with the laws of our being, both physical B 26 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. and moral and spiritual ; but as our knowledge of these laws is limited, we are liable to transgress ignorantly ; but the Christian is willing to put on Christ's righteousness, by repenting of his wrong doing, and thus living like him. By obeying God's laws, he becomes like Christ, and thus puts on his righteousness. It is one part of my Christianity, as I view it, to obey the laws of health, and thus live a healthy, natural life, believing that is the best foundation on which to build up my spiritual nature. I can not conceive of a symmetrical spiritual body without a heal thy natural body to sustain it, anymore than I can expect to build a cupola without a house to rest it upon. " First the natural, then the spiritual," seems to be the order God has established to develop human beings and make them like Christ. The human nature must be sublimated into the divine nature ; or in other words, the lower, animal propen- sities must become only the servants of the higher, spiritual faculties, instead of being their masters as they now are, in their present depraved or unnatural condition. Freedom of Conscience. Conscience is God's vicegerent in the soul. To heed the voice of conscience is to heed the voice of God. I never dare to do what I conscientiously believe to be wrong ; neither will I be deterred from doing what I conscientiously believe to be right, impossibilities of course excepted, for God never requires of us impossibilities. I regard my conscience as a safe guide for myself, there- fore I allow it so to others ; while at the same time I believe it is only safe when it is based upon truth; and to me, the truth must be base^l upon God's revealed will, as I view it in God's word and works, and is thereby identified with the Bible. But I do not regard my views of truth as a standard for any other human being but myself; therefore I do not feel at liberty to judge any other's conscience than my own. I cheerfully assume the entire responsibility of my own ac- tions, viewed from my own standpoint; but I am not willing SPIRITUAL GIFTS. 27 to take the responsibility of any other's actions, viewed from their standpoint. We must all stand or fall for ourselves in judgment. Therefore, I claim Freedom of Conscience for all the human family equally with myself. Spiritual Gifts. The following article was prepared for the class, but was refused a hearing lest it be found to favor Spiritualism . I differ from Deacon Merrick in the opinion that those spiritual gifts mentioned in the 12th chapter of 1st Corin- thians viz : the gifts of healing, working of miracles, proph- ecy, discerning of spirits, interpretation of tongues, the word of wisdom, and the word of knowledge, etc., were confined to the apostolic age. But it is my opinion that they are the legitimate fruits of pure Christianity, and attendant upon it to the end of time. Christ says, " these signs shall follow them that believe." Faith is evidently the stock on which these gifts are grafted, and I believe this is a kind of faith which it is our duty to cultivate and exercise to the same degree that the apostles did. And my reasons for this belief are supported by facts and revelation, as I view it. FIRST. The Bible supports this opinion. Christ instructed us to exercise a kind of faith, which he compares in power to that of "removing mountains," and also, "if ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed ye might say to this sycamore tree, be thou plucked up by the roots, and be thou cast into the sea, and it shall obey you." Now these illustrations evi- dently seem to teach that in the exercise of this faith we may expect effects to be produced beyond what our reason alone would justify us in expecting. Again, in James it is said, " the prayer of faith shall save the sick." And again, " all things whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." Now will it be uncharitable in me to suggest that the faith of the orthodox churches of the present day may be like unto the faith of the woman who was told she could have whatever she asked for, believing she should have it. Shortly after she 28 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. wanted something very much, and so prayed for it to get it, but it did not come. Chagrined at her failure, she remark- ed indignantly, "I knew it would not come when I asked for it 1 " Now may not Christians ask like this woman, cfo'sbelieving, instead of believing they shall have them? SECOND. The proof of facts that this faith was not con- fined to the apostles first, the Bible fact. James directs the churches to call for the elders of the church ''to come and anoint the sick man with oil, and to pray over him, and the prayer of faith shall save the sick." These elders who had this power were not the apostles. And Joel prophesies of the last days, "your sons and your daughters shall proph- esy." From this it seems there is to be a time in the future when pure, simple Christianity, like that which the apostles taught, is to prevail again upon the earth, and then these gifts are to follow as the fruit of this simple faith; thus showing' that this faith was not to be confined to the apostles, but was intended to be the natural heritage of the church whenever she became pure enough to produce this vigorous growth of faith required to ensure these manifestations. This faith was taught by Christ and exemplified by himself and the apostles. Again, all the Christian fathers, certainly down to the end of the third century, affirm the continuation of these gifts ; and they maintain their assertion by well authenticated facts in church history. But in succeeding ages, when the mass of Christians had become corrupted by worldly materialism and carnal-mindedness, these gifts became more and more rarely manifested, and were mostly confined to the humble few who adhered more tenaciously to the primitive faith and practice. Yet instances have occurred among some dis- tinguished teachers of Christianity. So late as the year 1821 Rev. Prince Hohenlhe, of Worburg, Germany, a distinguish- ed divine, after preaching to immense crowds, commenced to perform miracles. To the astonishment of the populace, he made the blind to see, the deaf to hear, the lame to walk, and the paralytics to be cured ; and in a short time, no less SPIRITUAL GIFTS. 29 than thirty-six persons were restored to health, from a state of hopeless infirmity. This he did by his prayers and a firm confidence in God's power. Another fact nearer home. About twenty years since I heard of a woman in Chesterfield, New Hampshire, who ex- hibited the power of discerning spirits, by telling at first sight the true character of entire strangers, as correctly as if she had always known them. But to come still nearer home. Have we not seen those who could instinctively read persons at first sight? and others who have a kind of prevision of what is about to take place, and they even act upon it with a kind of certainty that it would take place, for their ex- perience had assured them that it could be relied upon as prophetic. I once heard of a physician who had this foresight to such a degree as enabled him, in many instances, to save life, by acting in accordance with it. For instance, he once, while riding home, felt an impression that he was needed in a cer- tain street ; and following the impression, he went directly there, and found a man who had just been thrown from his horse, and in such a situation that unless surgical help were immediately applied, he must have died. And many times had he left his bed at midnight to visit his patients, guided only by these impressions, and thus saved the lives of many of his patients. This kind of discernment is a gift higher than reason; and may it not be possible that they are of the nature of these spiritual gifts, and are but the incipient developments of a law of our spiritual nature as yet undeveloped, on which these gifts are founded, which is to be the fulfillment of Joel's prophecy? OBJECTION FIRST. Mrs. Dixon objected that since the pow- er of working miracles is included among these gifts, she concluded they must be confined to the apostolic age, since the day of miracles is past. I reply, if the term miracle must mean only a suspension of a law of nature, or contrary to na- ture, I think with her, that the day is past for such manifes- 80 tations. But, if it may bear the interpretation which men of talent and ability put upon it viz : that a miracle signifies, and implies a supernatural power, meaning a power acting in harmony with a higher than natural, law, I think they may, and still do continue. The law by which these supernatural events takes place, is unknown to us, and may be beyond our present ability to comprehend. For example, had we never seen or known that a caterpillar could be changed into a butterfly, we should call it a miracle. The facts occurring daily on the telegraphic wires would have been considered miracles to past generations. So of eclipses, which were regarded as miracles, until the law of eclipses was discovered. And I think it will continue to be a fact, that supernatural events will continue to take place, because they are the result of laws on a plane of which we are as yet ignorant. I believe these spiritual gifts are all controlled by established laws of our spiritual existence, of which we are at present compara- tively ignorant. I fully believe God never acts except in harmony with established laws, and is never compelled to break these laws to bring about his purposes. OBJECTION SECOND. Deacon Merrick objected, that if this was the true view, all who believe must have this power ; and since none do have it as he thought, therefore there can be no true Christianity in the church. I reply, that I do not thiiik this a legitimate conclusion that because all do not have this power, therefore none do. Would Deacon Merrick say that because all the blossoms of the apple tree do not perfect into perfect, sound, ripe apples, therefore none do; or that there are no apples at all? Or would he rather say, that each blossom has in it the germ of the mature, sound apple, which will naturally be developed into fruit, unless some accident occurs to prevent it ? So all who have any degree of saving faith, have that in them which will ultimately perfect into this vigorous faith, and bring forth some of these perfected fruits or spiritual gifts. This faith is the natural outgrowth of human nature that is, it has that universal principle of human nature, viz : trust SPIEITUAL GIFTS. ^31 or confidence, for its foundation to rest upon. "We can no more get faith without this principle of human nature to build it upon, than we can get apples without soil to support the tree ; and no more is the soil a sinful article because it is natural, than is human nature sinful because it is natural. Both the nature, and the precious spiritual fruits germinated upon it, are parts of God's well done work, and therefore are both equally good in their places. But for lack of proper cultivation this kind of fruit is rarely brought to perfection in this life. Another illustration. I once heard the Rev. Mr. Cooper, a Presbyterian minister, of Salem, Iowa, relate the following fact, which took place when he served on board a vessel, on the coast of Norway : His captain found himself utterly unable to navigate his ship through a very dangerous chan- nel between an island and the main land. A pilot on board seeing the very dangerous condition they were in, volun- teered his services to the captain, assuring him he could take the ship safely through. The captain accepted the offer, although not without some misgivings as to the ability of this stranger pilot. But confident he could not guide it him- self, he felt compelled to accept the offer. Consequently he resigned his ship entirely to this pilot's control, and direc-ted his men to follow all this new pilot's directions. The pilot accepted his charge, and commenced by revers- ing all the captain's orders, and headed the ship towards the breakers on shore. This aroused the captain's fears. Still he could do nothing but submit. But very soon his fears became so much aroused, in view of their approach towards the breakers, that he ventured to tell his pilot that they were going into the breakers. "I know it," was his only reply, and still approached the breakers. The captain ex- postulated with him three times ; and each time received the same answer, " I know it ! " . For a time the captain paced the deck in agony, wringing his hands, until at length be- coming desperate, he determined to take the ship into his own hands, confident that his professed pilot was unworthy 32 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. of confidence, and was just in the act of doing so, when, behold! the pilot turned the ship about, and soon brought it out of all danger. He afterwards found that the pilot had turned the ship at just the point, and the only point, where it could be done without being wrecked, for there was a narrow channel of rocks beneath, which the pilot knew how to follow ; but the least deviation from that course would have been destruction to the ship, and an attempt to turn before the right point was reached would have been not only impossible, but certain destruction. Now this captain had only just faith enough in his pilot to save him. He did not have that degree of faith needed to raise him entirely above his fears, in view of dangers so ap- parent to his reason. This degree of faith demanded the exercise of even a higher faculty than his reason, for it appar- ently conflicted with reason. But gospel faith in its highest exercise, never conflicts with reason, although it sometimes transcends reason. But the different gradations of faith, from the mere saving faith to that all conquering faith, which allays all anxiety and solicitude, under the most adverse circumstances, depends upon the different organizations and surroundings which determine its development and growth. And all these manifold variations and gradations are ulti- mately to perfect into that sound and vigorous faith which Christ inculcated, and is the stock upon which all these spiritual gifts germinate into natural fruit. Questions for the Class. The following are some of the questions I proposed to the class for discussion, some of which were allowed to be dis- cussed, and many were not : 1. Do true Christians ever die with unrepented sins upon them? 2. Does death, which is merely a natural law of the body, affect the spirit ; or does the extinction of merely animal life produce any change in our spiritual life ? QUESTIONS FOR THE CLASS. 3S 3. Is it not the spirit that repents? 4. Why then cannot the spirit repent when disconnected from the body ? 5. Does truth ever change? 6. Can people have a difference of opinion on the same subject, and yet all be correct? 7. What causes this diversity of belief? 8. Will all equally good people see the truth in just the same light ? 9. How ought we to treat those who we think teach error? 10. Should we accede to the errorist the same right of opinion we do the advocates of truth? 11. Are we to expect new moral truths to be developed at the present day, since the canon of scripture is complete ? 12. Does progress in knowledge necessarily imply a change of views ? 13. Is not the platform of common sense the platform for a common religion to stand upon ? 14. Are bigotry and intolerance confined to any one church, or is this " Great Beast" found in all churches? 15. Can there be <( one Lord, one faith, one baptism," without a mutual yielding of sectarian views among all de- nominations of Christians ? 16. Have we any reason to expect that a Christian farmer, as a Christian, will be any more successful in his farming op- erations than an impenitent sinner? or, in other words, does the motive with which we prosecute our secular business, have anything to do with the pecuniary results ? And if not, how is godliness profitable ? If any of my readers would like to see my answer to the sixteenth question, I could refer them to my " Three Years' Imprisonment for Eeligious Belief," where they will find it on the thirty-third page. In that book the reader will also find a full account of my jury trial before Judge Starr, of Kankakee City, where my sanity was vindicated ; and my persecution is there demonstrated to be the triumph of big- otry over the republican principles of free religious toleration. B 2 84 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. This trial was not allowed me until after an inprisonment of three years, when, by the decision of the court, it was found that I had not been insane, and thereby had been falsely im- prisoned all this time. The way in which my incarceration was secured will be found in the subsequent chapter. III. My Abduction. About three weeks before my incarceration, Mr. Packard came to my room one day, and made me another proposition for withdrawing from the class. Said he, " Wife, wouldn't you like to visit your brother in Batavia ? " " I should like it very well, if it is not running from my post of duty." " You have not only a perfect right to go, but I think it is your duty to go and get recruited." "Very well, then I will go with the greatest pleasure. But how long do you think I had better make my visit?" " Three months." " Three months I Can you get along without me three months ? and what will the children do for their summer clothes without me to make them?" " I will see to that matter ; you must stay three months, or not go at all." ""Well, lam sure I can stand it to rest that length of time, if you can stand it without my services. So I will go. But I must take my baby and daughter with me, as they have not fully recovered from their influenzas, and I should not dare to trust them away from me." "Yes, you may take them." " I will then prepare myself and them to go just as soon as you see fit to send us. Another thing, husband. I shall want ten dollars of my patrimony money to take with me for spending money." MY ABDUCTION. 35 "That you can't have." "Why not? I shall need as much as that, to be absent three months with two sick children. I may need to call a doctor to them; and besides, my brother is poor, and I am rich, comparatively, and I might need some extra food, such as a beefsteak, or something of the kind, and I should not like to ask him for it. And besides, I have your written promise that I may have my own money whenever I want it and I do want ten dollars of it now ; and I thinK it is nr unreasonable amount to take with me." "I don't think it is best to let you have any. I shanM trust you with money." " Shan't trust me with money I Why not? Have I ever abused this trust? Do not I always give you an exact account of every cent I spend ? And I will this time do so ; and besides, if you cannot trust me, I will put it into broth- er's hands as soon as I get there, and not spend a cent but by his permission." "No, I shall not consent to that." "One thing more I will suggest. You know the Batavia people owe you twelve dollars for preaching one sabbath, and you can't get your pay. Now, supposing brother ' duns' and gets it, may I use this money if I should chance to need it in an emergency ? and if I should not need any, I won't use a cent of it ? Or, I will write home to you and ask per- mission of you before spending a dollar of it." " No, you shall neither have any money, nor have the con- trol qf, any, for I can't trust you with any." " Well, husband, if I can't be trusted with ten dollars of my own money under these circumstances, I should not think I was capable of being trusted with two sick children three months away from home, wholly dependent on a poor broth- er's charities. Indeed I had rather stay at home and not go at all, than go under such circumstances." " You shall not go at all," replied he, in a most excited, angry tone of voice. "You shall go into an Asylum I" " Why, husband, I did not suspect such an alternative. I 36 had rather go to him penniless and clotheless even, than go into an Asylum !" " You have lost your last chance. You shall go into an Asylum ! " Knowing the inflexibility of purpose which characterized rny husband, I knew there was no refuge for me in an appeal to his humanity, his reason or his affection, for a commuta- tion of my sentence. I therefore laid my case before our kind neighbor, Mr. Comstock, who professed to be a kind of lawyer, and sought his counsel and advice. Said he, "Mrs. Packard, you have nothing to fear. It is impossible for your husband to get you into any insane asylum; for before he can do this, you must have a jury trial ; and I can assure you there as no jury in the country who would pronounce you to be an insane person, for you give every evidence of intelligence that any person can give." As this Mr. Comstock had been a constant attendant at our bible class for some time past, and had thereby heard and seen all the evidence which could be brought against me ; and as he professed to understand the law on this point, this unqualified and positive assertion served to quiet my fears and anxious foreboding to a considerable degree. But had Mr. Comstock known the law as it then was, he could not have made this assertion. He probably took it for granted that the common principles of justice characterized the Illinois statue laws, viz : that all its citizens should be allowed a trial before imprisonment ; but being mistaken on this point, he blindly led me astray from the truth. Had I known what Mr. Packard knew, of the legal power, which the law gave the husband to control the identity of the wife, I should not have been thus deceived. I did not then know what I now do, that married women and infants were excepted in the application of this principle of common justice. This class were not only allowed to be imprisoned by their husbands or guardians without any trial, or without any chance at self-defence whatever, but they were also ex- pressly licensed to imprison them in an insane asylum without MY ABDUCTION. 37 evidence of insanity ! This legal license reads thus, as found on the Illinois Statute Book, page 96, Session Laws 15, 1851, Section 10: "Married women and infants who, in the judgment of the medical Superintendent (meaning the Superintendent of the Illinois State Hospital for the Insane,) are evidently insane or distracted, may be entered or detained in the hospital on the request of the husband of the woman, or the guardian of the infant, without the evidence of insanity required in other cases." Not knowing that Illinois had legalized this mode of kid- napping the married women of their State, I had no idea that my personal liberty depended entirely upon the will or wishes of my husband. I thereupon returned to my home with a feeling of comparative security, trusting and suppos- ing that upon the principles of our free government of religious toleration, my rights of conscience, and rights of opinion were respected and protected by law, in common with other American citizens. Still, believing that a most strenuous effort would be made to fasten the stigma of insanity upon me, by my opponents in religious belief, I now began to con- sider what my plea of self-defence must be when arraigned for trial on insanity, based upon what they regarded as heresy. But while my mind was cogitating my plea, and my hands were busily employed in my domestic duties, I could not help noticing many singular manifestations in Mr. Packard's con- duct towards me. One was, from the time my sentence was pronminced, Mr. Packard left my bed without giving me any reason for this singular act, and he seemed peculiarly deter- mined to evade all, and every inquiry into his reasons for so doing. Still I insisted upon knowing whether it was because of anything I had done, which led him thus to forsake me. He assured me it was not adding, "you have always been kind, and true and faithful to me." While this truthful acknowledgement, afforded a kind of relief to my feelings, it only served to increase the mystery of the affair still more, and even to this day this mystery has never been solved in 88 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE my mind. The only reason lie ever gave me was, " I think it is best!" Another thing, he removed my medicine box, containing our family herbs and cordials, from my nursery into his sleep- ing apartment, and when I found it necessary one night to give my little Georgie some lobelia to relieve him from spas- modic croup, I was obliged to seek for it, and finding it under his bed instead of its accustomed place, I inquired why he had made that arrangement, and received the same mysterious re- ply, "I think it is best !" Another thing, he seemed unaccountably considerate of my health, insisting upon it that I should have a hired girl to help me. This arrangement surprised me, all the more, because I had so often been refused this favor, when I had asked for it at times when I thought I needed it within a few past years. I however found it very easy and pleasant to concur with this arrangement, which afforded me more uninterrupted time and thought to devote to my plea. But there was one thing about it which I did not like, and that was, to dismiss my girl, just when I had got her well learned how to do my work, without giving any reason whatever, either to me or my girl, for this strange conduct. I5ut I afterwards found out the reason for dismissing her was, because she had remarked to a neighbor of ours that ; "I can't see what Mr. Packard does mean by calling his wife insane; for she is the kindest and best woman I ever saw I never worked for so kind a mistress." But his summary manner of disposing of my good, kind, faithful French Catholic girl, and supplying her place%with one of his own church members, an opponent to me in argu- ment, and she the eldest daughter of the most aristocratic family in the place, was very peculiar. This aristocratic, Miss Sarah Rumsey, was introduced into my family as a dinner guest, on whom I bestowed all the attentions of the hostess until after dinner, when my girl came to the parlor to bid me " good bye," saying with tears, " Mr. Packard has dismissed me." " Dismissed you 1 For what ?" "I dont know he simply told me to get my things and MY ABDUCTION. 39 leave, that my services were no longer wanted in his family." While I was trying to comfort her under this uncivil dis- charge, Miss Rumsey stepped up and volunteered her services as "my help." " My help ! have you come here to be my hired girl ?" said I, in amazement. "Yes, I am willing to help you." "But I wish to understand you has Mr. Packard secured your services as my hired servant?" "Yes, Mrs. Packard, I have come for that purpose?" "Very well, then, I will set you to work, and you may look to him for your wages." She then followed me into the kitchen, where I gave her my instructions, and then I retired to my parlor, leaving her to take her first lesson in practical service in her beloved pastor's kitchen. During her term of service, which lasted until I was kid- napped, about one week from this time, I frequently caught Mr. Packard and Miss Rumsey and Mrs. Sybil Dole, his sister, in most earnest conversation, which was always carried on in a whisper whenever I was within hearing distance, and my presence seemed always to evoke manifestations of guilt on their part. I think the theme of conversation at these clan- destine interviews was, my abduction and how it should be secured. My children now became almost my only companions and councillors. The three youngest slept with me, so that I had their company both night as well as day. I expressed to them my fears that I might yet be forced away from them, always assuring them that no power but force should seperate me from them. They always responded, "they will have to break my arms to get them loose from their grasp upon you, Mother, if they try to steal our dear mamma from us!" But the filial in- fluence Mr. Packard most feared to cope with, was my second son, I. "W. Packard, then sixteen years old. My oldest son Theophilus, was then at Mt. Pleasant, Iowa. I. W. commu- nicated to Theophilus the dangers he feared impending over 40 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. his mother. Theophilus responded, pledging himself that should his dear mother ever be put into an Insane Asylum, he should never rest until he had liberated her. I. W. agreed to this same pledge of untiring devotion to his dear mother's welfare. During these ominous days of solicitude and painful forebo- dings, this tender hearted and devoted son would never leave for his work in Mr. Comstock's store, without first coming to my room, and as he would imprint a most loving kiss upon my lips, he would whisper " dont feel bad, mother 1 keep up good courage, I shall do all I can for you." % And he did do all he could to stem the rising current, by rallying influences in my defence. Quite a number of volun- teers gave him their pledge that his mother never should leave that depot for an Insane Asylum ; but unfortunately, his fath- er became acquainted with this fact, and to prevent any co- operation with his mother in the execution of any of his plans for my deliverance, he issued his mandate that I. "W. should not speak to his mother for one week. Not knowing that such an injunction had been laid upon him, I accosted him from my window on his return from his store, and, as usual inquired after his health. He had been my patient Tor some weeks past, having spit blood several times during this time, and of course I felt a deep solicitude for his health ; and now when he answered me only by the pressure of his fore finger upon his closed lips, and a significant shake of his head, I be- came alarmed, and anxiously inquired, "can't you speak?" A shake of the head was his only response. I rushed to the door to meet him, to ascertain what had happened, where we met my only darling daughter of ten years, whom we all called " Sister," to whom he said, " Sister, I want you should tell mother that father has forbid my speaking to her for one week, and that is the reason 1 can't answer her questions." " But how is your breast, my son?" " Sister, I want you should tell mother it is worse ; I have spit more blood to-day." In this manner, with my daughter for our medium, I ad- MY ABDUCTION. 41 ministered to his physical wants and spiritual comfort for one week, which term expired one day before my abduction. During this time he never failed to come to my room or to the window, before leaving, to bestow upon my lips his lov- ing kiss of silent, xmdying affection. s\ A few days previous to my seizure, Mrs. Dole and Mr. Packard tried to prevail upon me to let her take my darling babe home with her for a few days, to rest me from my night watches with my sick children, to which I foolishly consented, supposing this offer was only dictated by affection and sym- pathy for me. I soon became impatient for my babe, and Mr. Packard allowed me to go to Mr. Dole's with him to see Arthur, but would not allow me to bring him home with me. They must keep him a day or two longer 1 I must consent to take a few more nights of good sound sleep before I could embrace my darling babe once more ! Alas ! this was the final parting with my precious darling infant, weaned from the breast but three months before. His little arms could hardly be unclasped from my neck, to which he seemed to cling instinctively ; with the tenderest affection he would press his soft cheek against mine, and say, "dear mamma! dear mamma !" These were the only words he could articu- late. 01 little did I suspect this was a treacherous act of false affection, to steal from me my darling babe. But so it proved to be. This was Saturday. On Sabbath they stole from me my only daughter, by a similar act of hypocrisy. After meet- ing Sabbath evening, the Rumsey carriage called at our door and claimed the privilege of taking my daughter home with them to visit her intimate friend and schoolmate, the young- est Rumsey. They plead that her health needed a change, and she could come home any day I chose ; and in answer to my inquiry, "Hasthis anything to do with my being taken off?" they all with united voices, insisted that it had not, adding, " this is not our most distant thought." I at length reluctantly consented to her going, and we too, parted for the last time before my abduction, little suspecting 42 THE PKISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. it to be so. But as we were embracing each other for the .ast time, she whispered in my ear, " Mother, if there are any signs of taking you away, you will let me know, won't you?" "Certainly I will, my daughter, you may rely upon your mother's promise in this thing. So set your heart at rest, and enjoy yourself as best you can." And we parted! That night I had no one to caress but my darling Georgie, of seven years, who was now nearly recovered from his lung fever. But from some unknown cause, sleep was not easily courted that night. Usually my sleep was sound, quiet and refreshing. Sleepless, wakeful nights were unknown to me. But now some evil forebodings assured me all was not right. About midnight I arose and silently sought Mr. Packard's room, to see if I could make any discoveries as to the aspect of things. Here instead of being in his bed, I found him noiselessly searching through all my trunks and bandboxes. "What could this mean? Without his observing me, I went oack to my bed, there to consider this question. Before morning my suspicions assumed a tangible form. I summoned I. W . early to my bedside, to tell him I was sure arrangements were being made to carry me off somewhere, and therefore I wished him without delay to go and get " Sister" home, as I had promised to send for her in case of any appearances of this kind. He replied, " Mother, I will do so ; but I must first go of an errand on to the prairie for Mr. Comstock, and then I will return to the house and take you to ride with me to Mr. Rumsey's and get Sister." "Yes, that will do; we will go by brother Dole's too, and get my baby. I will be all ready when you return, to go with you." This was our parting I Little Georgie, ever ready to serve me, ran out into the dewy grass and picked a saucer of ripe strawberries and brought them to my room, saying as he handed them to me, "I have pick- ed some strawberries for your breakfast, mother;" and he had lardly time to receive his mother's thanks, when his father called -.im out to the door, and with extended hand said, "Come, MY ABDUCTION. 43 George, won't you go with father to the store and get some sugar-plums?" Glad as any boy of his age is to get sugar-plums, he of course, readily went with his father to get his plums, and also to get a ride too with his brother off on to the prairie ! This was our parting scene I Thus had my children been abducted, to prepare the way for the mother's abduction, on the morning of the 18th of June, 1860. And now the fatal hour had come that I must be transported into my living tomb. But the better to shield himself in this nefarious work, Mr. Packard tried to avail himself of the law for commitment in other cases, which is to secure the certificate of two physicians that the candi- date for the Asylum is insane. Therefore at this late hour I passed an examination made by our two doctors, both mem- bers of his church and our bible class, and opponents to me in argument, wherein they decided that I was insane, by simply feeling my pulse 1 This scene is so minutely described in the " Introduction to my Three Years' Imprisonment," that I shall not detail .it here. The doctors were not in my room over three minutes, conducting this examination, and without asking me a single question, both said while feeling my pulse, "She is insane!" My husband then informed me that the " forms of law" were now all complied with, and he now wished me to dress for a ride to Jacksonville Insane Asylum. I complied, but at the same time entered my protest against being imprisoned without a trial, or some chance at self-defence. I made no physical resistance however, when he ordered two of his church-members to take me up in their arms, and carry me to the wagon and thence to the cars, in spite of my lady-like protests, and regardless of all my entreaties for some sort of trial before commitment. My husband replied, " I am doing as the laws of Illinois allow me to do vou have no protector in law but myself, and I am protecting you now ! it is for your good I am doing this, I want to save your soul you don't believe in total depravity, and I want to make you right." 44 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. "Husband, have I not a right to my opinions?" " Yes, you have a right to your opinions, if you think right." " But does not the constitution defend the right of religious toleration to all American citizens?" " Yes, to all citizens it does defend this right, but you are not a citizen ; while a married woman you are a legal nonen- tity, without even a soul in law. In short, you are dead as to any legal existence while a married woman, and therefore have no legal protection as a married woman." Thus I learn- ed my first lesson in that chapter of common law, which denies to married woman a legal right to her own identity or individuality. IT. My Abduction Continued. The scenes transpiring at the parsonage, were circulated like wild-fire throughout the village of Manteno, and crowds of men and boys were rapidly congregating at the depot, about one hundred rods distant from our house, not only to witness the scene v but fully determined to stand by their pledge to my son, I. W., that his mother should never leave Manteno depot for an Insane Asylum. The long two horse lumber wagon in which I was conveyed from my house to the depot, was filled with strongmen as my body guard, including Mr. Packard, his deacons, and Sheriff Burgess, of Kankakee city among their number. When our team arrived at the depot, Mr. Packard said to me, "Now, wife, you will get out of the wagon yourself, won't you? You won't compel us to lift you out before such a large crowd, will you?" " No, Mr. Packard, I shall not help myself into an Asylum. It is you who are putting me there. I do not go willingly, nor with my own consent I am being forced into it against my protests to the contrary. Therefore, I shall let you show yourself to thia crowd, just as you are my persecutor, instead of my protector. I shall make no resistance to your brute force claims upon my personal liberty I shall simply remain a passive victim, helpless in your power." He then ordered MY ABDUCTION. 45 his men to transport me from the wagon to the depot in their arms. Before this order was executed, I addressed the sheriff in these words, "Mr. Burgess, won't you please have the kind- ness to see that my person is handled gently, for I am easily hurt, and also see that my clothing is so adjusted as not to expose me immodestly, which with my hoops I fear you will find some difficulty in doing." "I will heed your requests, Mrs. Packard," he kindly re- plied. He then ordered two men into the wagon, to lift me from the board seat, which was placed across the top of the wagon, and hand me over the wheel, gently down into the arms of two men, who stood with outstretched arms below to receive me, and transport me into the "Ladies' Room" at the depot. This order was executed in as gentle and gen- tlemanly a manner as it could be done, while the faithful sheriff carefully adjusted my clothing as best he could, and I was landed upon a seat in the "Ladies' Room." I then thanked Mr. Burgess and my carriers for the kind manner in which they had executed my husband's order ; and they left, me alone to join the crowd on the platform. I then arose, adjusted my dress and walked to the window, to see who were there assembled. I saw they were my friends and foes both, about equally divided, the countenances of all equally indicating great earnestness and deep emotion. Soon Mr. Packard came alone into the room, and I resumed my seat when he addressed me as follows : Bending over me, he spoke in tones the most bland and gentle, and said, " Now, wife, my dear 1 you will not make us carry you into the cars, will you? Do please just walk into them when they come, won't you, to please me ! Do now, please me this once ; won't you ?" Looking him full in the face, I said, " Mr. Packard, I shall not. It is your own chosen work you are doing. I shall not help you do it. If I am put into the cars, it will not be my act that puts me there." He then left me, and soon returned with Mr. Conistock at his side, when he said, "Now, wife. 46 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Mr. Comstock thinks you had better walk into the cars, and you know you think a good deal of him ; you will follow his advice, won't you?" " Mr. Comstock is too much of a man to advise me to leave my dear little children, to go and be locked up in a prison without any trial. I know he would not advise any such thing," said I. Mr. Comstock then, without having spoken one word, left the room. While these scenes in the Ladies' Room were being enacted, Deacon Dole was acting his part on the plat- form outside. Finding the crowd had assembled to defend me, and that they were determined I should never be forced into the cars, his conscience allowed him to be the bearer of a lie from Mr. Packard to the company, on the plea that the interests of his beloved pastor and the cause of the church required it as an act of self-defence. He therefore positively told them that Mr. Packard .was pursuing a legal course in putting his wife into an Asylum that the Sheriff had legal papers with him to defend the proceeding, and if they resisted the Sheriff, they would be liable to imprisonment themselves. The crowd did not know that Deacon Dole was lying to them, when he said the Sheriff had legal papers; for he had none at all, as the Sheriff afterwards confessed adding, " I went to the Probate Court to take out my legal papers, and they would not give me any, because, as they said, I could not bring forward any proof of insanity which could satisfy them that Mrs. Packard was insane. Therefore I ventured to carry out Mr. Packard's wishes without any papers!" Thus the "majesty of 'the law," added to the sacred dig- nity of the pulpit, so overawed this feeling of manliness in these Mantenoites, that they dared not make a single effort in defence of me. Therefore, when the engine whistle was heard, Deacon Dole found no obstacle in the way of taking me up in his arms, with the help of another man, and carry- ing me from the depot to my seat in the cars, except tho difficulty of knowing how to take hold of me in a modest and gentlemanly manner. I, however, soon solved this difficulty MT ABDUCTION. 47 for him, lay suggesting that two men make a " saddle-seat" with their four hands so united, that I could sit erect and easily upon it, between them both. This, with my assistance, they promptly did, and I quietly seated myself, while Mr. Burgess kindly arranged my wardrobe for me. While borne along on this human vehicle, by my manly ( ! ) body guard, my elevated position afforded me a fine view of the sea of heads below me ; and while I imploringly and silently looked towards them for that protection and help they had so con- fidently volunteered should be extended to me if needed, I looked in vain! "No man cared for my soul!" although Mrs. Blessing was walking the platform, wringing her hands in agony at the spectacle I presented, and in a loud voice, while the tears were streaming down her cheeks, she was imploring them to extend to me the help I needed, in these expressive words: "Is there no man in this crowd to pro- tect this woman? Will you let this mother be torn from her children and thrust into a prison in this style, with none to help her ? ! is there no man among you ? If I were a man, I would seize hold upon her." MRS. BLESSING'S LAMENT. One, one alone, stood by my side, With pleading hands and voice she cried, " Is there no help ? Can no one here Aid now our suffering sister dear ? Breathes there not here one mother's son Who dares to aid this injured one ? Must she from her own sons be torn, Her darling children left to mourn ? Crying in vain for mother dear To wipe away the scalding tear. Are love and honor both, all dead? Oh neighbors I has your reason fled ? Can you look and see her go To the dark maniac's house of woe? Yet raise no voice, no hand, no eye, To stay that dread calamity 1 Throbs here no heart of sympathy ? Can no one say she shall be free ? Oh ! in the sacred name of love, 48 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Of liberty, of God above, By all the tender ties of life, Spare 1 spare ! that deeply suffering wife. Recording Angel ! cans't thou see A blacker shade of cruelty." MRS. S. N. B. 0. As soon as I was landed in the cars, the car door was quick- ly locked, to guard against any possible reaction of the public, manly pulse, in my defence. Mr. Packard, Deacon Dole, and Sheriff Burgess seated themselves near me, and the cars qui- etly moved on towards my prison tomb, leaving behind me, children, home, liberty and an untarnished reputation. In short, all, all, which had rendered life desirable, or tolerable. Up to this point, I had not shed a tear. All my nervous energy was needed to enable me to maintain that dignified self-possession, which was indispensably necessary for a sensi- tive womanly nature like my own, to carry me becomingly through scenes, such as I have described. But now that these scenes were past, my hitherto pent up maternal feelings burst their confines, and with a deep gush of emotion, I exclaimed, " ! what will become of my dear children 1" I rested my head upon the back of the seat in front of me, and deliberate- ly yielded myself up to a shower of tears. ! thought I, "What will my dear little ones do, when they return to their desolate home, to find no mother there ! their tender, lov- ing hearts, will die of grief, at the story of their mother's wrongs !" Yes, it did well nigh rend each heart in twain, when the faot was announced to them, that they were motherless ! My sons, I. "W., and George were just about this time returning from their prairie errand, ai>d this fact was now being com- municated to them, by some one returning from the depot, whom they met near the same. When within speaking dis- tance, the first salutation they heard was, "Well, your mother is gone." "What? 1 ' said I. W., thinking he had misunderstood. "Your mother is gone!" Supposing this was only an old rumor revived, he carelessly replied, "No she isn't, she is at home, where I just left her, MY ABDUCTION. 49 and I am now on the way there to take her to ride with me." "But she has gone I just came from the depot, and saw her start." Now, for the first time, the terrible truth flashed upon his mind, that this is the reason George and I have been sent off on this errand, and this accounts also, for the attentions so lavishly bestowed upon us this morning by my groom, by my father, and by Mr. Comstock. Yes, this awful fact at last found a lodgment in his sensitive heart, when he, amid his choking and tears could just articulate, "George ! we have no mother." Now George, too, knew why he had been so generously treated to sugar-plums that morning, and he too burst into loud crying, exclaiming, "They shall not carry off my mother." "But they have carried her off! We have no mother!" said I. "W. Here they both lifted up their voices and wept aloud, and as the team entered the village, all eyes were upon them, and others wept to see them weep, and to listen to their plaintive exclamations, "We have no mother I We have no mother 1" As they drew near the front of Mr. Comstock's store, seeing the crowd settling there, I. W. felt his indignation welling up within him, as he espied among this crowd some of his volunteer soldiers in his mother's de- fence, and having learned from his informant that no one had taken his dear mother's part, he reproachfully exclaimed, as he leaped from his wagon, "And this is the protection you promised my mother ! What is your gas worth to me ! " They felt the reproaches of a guilty conscience, and dared not attempt to console them. Mr. Comstock was the only one who ventured a response in words. He said, " You must excuse me, I. W., for I did what I thought would be the best for you. I knew your father was determined, and he would put her in at any rate ; and I knew too, that your opposition would do no good, and would only torment you to witness the scene. So I had you go for your good !" " For my good !" thought he, "I think I should like to be my own C 50 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. judge in that matter !" He spoke not one reproachful word in reply, but quickly sought his mother's room, where he might weep alone. But George, knowing the direction the cars went with his mother, ran on the track after them, determined he never would return until he could return with his mother rescued from prison 1 He was not missed until he was far out of hearing, and almost out of sight he only looked like a small speck on the distant track. They followed after him; but he most persistently refused to return, saying, " I will get my dear mamma out of prison I My mamma shan't be locked up in a prison ! I will not go home without my mother! " He was of course forced back, but not to stay only until he could make another escape. They finally had to imprison him my little manly boy of seven years, to keep him from running two hundred miles on the track to Jacksonville, to liberate his imprisoned mother ! But 0, my daughter ! no pen can delineate thy sorrow, to find thy mother gone ! perhaps forever gone I from thy com- panionship, counsel, care and sympathy ! She wept both night and day, almost unceasingly ; and her plaintive moans could be heard at quite a distance from her home. "0! mother ! mother ! mother ! " was her almost constant, un- ceasing call. Her sorrow almost cost her her reason and her life. And so it was with I. ~W. He grieved himself into a settled fever, which he did but just survive ; and during its height, he moaned incessantly for his mother, not knowing what he said ! His reason for a time was lost in delirium. But my babe, thank God ! was too young to realize his loss. For him, I suffered enough for two human beings. Here we leave these scenes of human anguish, to speak one word of comfort for the wives and mothers of Illinois. Conscious that there had already been innocent victims enough offered in sacrifice on the altar of injustice, in conse- quence of these cruel laws of Illinois against my ojvn sex. I determined to appeal, single handed and alone, if neces MY JOUKNEY. 51 sary, to their Legislature, to have them repealed, and there- by have the personal liberty of married women protected by law, as well as by the marital power. Consequently, in the winter of 1867, I came alone, and at my own expense, from Massachusetts to Illinois, and paid my board all winter in Springfield, Illinois, trying to induce the Legislature to re- peal the barbarous law under which I was imprisoned, and pass in its stead a ''Bill for the Protection of Personal Lib- erty," which demands a fair jury trial of every citizen of the State, before imprisonment in any Insane Asylum in the State. The Legislature granted my request. They repealed the barbarous law, and passed the Personal Liberty Bill, by an unanimous vote of both houses. So that now, no wife or mother in Illinois need fear the re-enacting of my sad drama in her own case ; for, thank God ! your personal liberty is now protected by just laws. Y. My Journey. Sheriff Burgess left our company at Kankakee City, twelve miles distant from Manteno, where he then resided. Not knowing at that time, but that he had the legal papers Dea- con Dole claimed for him, in taking leave of him I thanked him for the kind and gentlemanly manner he had discharged his duties, as a Sheriff, in this transaction, adding, "You have only discharged your duty, as a Sheriff; .therefore, as a man, I shall claim you as my friend." And, six months from this date, when he called upon me in my Asylum prison, and inquired so kindly and tenderly after my comfort and sur- roundings, I felt confirmed in my opinion that I had not mis- judged him. Not long after he died, but not until after he had frankly confessed his breach of trust, as a public officer, in this transaction. As my wounded heart still sought the relief of tears, I con- tinued to weep on, and at length I ventured to express my sincere, deep anxiety, lest my children would not be able to 52 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. survive their bereavement. Mr. Packard and Mr. Dole then both tried to console me, by assuring me they were left with kind friends who would take good care of them, and Mr. Packard said he had left a written document for each of them, which he thought would satisfy them, so that they would ''soon get over it !" thought I " soon get over it !" what consolation ! to be told that your children would soon forget you 1 Nay, verily, I am too indelibly united to their heart's tenderest, deepest affections, to suffer an easy or rapid alien- ation. And so it proved for three years this cruel wound in their sensitive hearts remained unhealed they instinctive- ly and persistently spurned the mollient he offered to heal it, viz ; " their mother was insane, and therefore must be locked up for her good." I have been told they would give expression to their feel- ings in language like the following, and it being (so character- istic of their natures, I have no doubt of its truth. " No," Georgie would say, " mother is good enough now I and haven't I a right to my mother?" "No," Elizabeth would say, "mother is not crazy, and you know she is not I do think Pa is possessed with a devil, to treat our good, dear, kind mother as he does. We know our dear mother is good, for she never has done anything wrong she is kind to you, and she is kind to everybody." The natural, unsophisticated natures of my children, ren- dered it very difficult for them to see the necessity of locking up a person, while they were doing good, and had never done any thing wrong ! The philosophy of that kind of insanity, which required this to be done, was beyond their comprehension. And even the maturer minds of my oldest sons, Theophilus, then eigh- teen, and I. W., sixteen, were equally slow in discovering this necessity. In fact, three years was too short a time for their father to convince these children of this painful necessity. At length, wearied with these fruitless efforts to get my children to sanction his cause, he finally resorted to the au- .thority of the father to silence them into acquiescence to his MY JOUKSTEY. 53 views. He therefore forbade their talking upon the subject, and made it an act of disobedience on their part, to talk about their mother. This taught them to use hypocrisy and deceit, for I. "W., and Elizabeth would watch their opportunity, in the absence of their father, to talk upon their favorite theme, and when Elizabeth and Georgie could not evade this order by day, they would take the hours of sleep and talk in a whisper about me, after they had retired to their bed. Another agency he employed to wean them from me, was, he would not allow me to be spoken of in their presence, except as an insane person, and in terms of derision, ridicule, or contempt. But notwithstanding all these combined agen- cies, he could not wean them from me, or lessen their confi- dence in me, according to his own statement, which he mado to Mrs. Page on one of his yearly visits to the Asylum. Some years after this date he said, " I never saw children so attached to a mother, as Mrs. Packard's are to her I can- not by any means wean them from her, nor lead them to disregard her authority in the least thing, even now. I cannot even induce them to eat anything which they think she would disapprove of. She seems by some means, to hold them to obedience to her wishes, just as much in her absence, as in her presence. This influence or power is more than 1 can under- stand." Yes, I knew full well that Mr. Packard did not understand the nature and disposition of my children, and therefore I felt unwilling to trust them with him. But how could I avert this fate? In no way. I had not chosen this separation God's providence had permitted it against my wishes, and regardless of my prayer to the contrary. Now, what shall I do ? Shall I murmur and complain at what I can not help, and when I know it will do no good? or, must I silently sub- mit to this inevitable fate, and trust to the future develop- ments of providence to unravel this great mystery ? Yes, I must submit. I must not complain, while at the same time, I have a right to use all suitable means for a restoration to my family and duties; therefore as the result of this soliloquy, 54 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. I concluded to avail myself of the advice given me by my Manteno friends at the depot, viz : "Be sure, Mrs. Packard, and tell every one you see that you are on your way to the Insane Asylum, and for what, for possibly by this means, you may come in contact with some influence that may rescue you." Knowing that duties were mine ; and events God's, I determined to dry up my tears and address myself to this duty. I announced this determination to Deacon Dole in these words : " Mr. Dole I am not going to cry any more. Cry- ing is not going to help me. I am going to put on a cheerful countenance, and cultivate the acquaintance of my fellow travelers, and enjoy my ride the best I can. I may as well laugh as cry, for I have as good a right to be happy as any other person." " That is right, Sister Packard ; you have as good a right to be happy as any one, and I -am glad to see you smile again." After exchanging a few remarks respecting the beauty of the country through which we were passing, and the delight- fully calm and clear atmosphere, so tranquilizing in its influ- ence over one's disturbed feelings, I looked about to see who were my companions, when I met the eye of a young lady, a stranger to me, whose eyes seemed to fasten upon me with such a penetrating look, that I could hardly withdraw my own without bestowing upon her a smile of recognition. Upon this she bent forward and spoke to me, and extended tome her hand, saying, "I am very sorry for you. I see they are carrying you to the Insane Asylum, and you do not wish to go." " Yes, that is so, and I thank you for your sympathy; but I have concluded not to weep any more about it, as I shall need all my nervous energies to meet my fate with dignity and self-possession." " But you are not insane, why do they put you there ?" *' No, I am not insane, but my husband is trying to put this brand upon me, to destroy my moral influence." MY JOURNEY. 55 "But why does he wish to destroy your influence?" " Because I have defended some opinions in a bible class, where he is the minister, which he can not overthrow by argument, and now he tells me he is going to make the world believe that I am insane, so that my opinions need not be believed, for he says he must ' protect the cause of Christ.' " " Don't he think it his duty to protect his wife ?" " He thinks it is his duty to protect her from injuring the cause of Christ, by locking her up in a prison 1" " I heard you speak of your children ; how many have you?" " Six five boys and one girl." "Six children ! and he, their father, taking from them their mother, simply because you differ from him in opinion ! 0, 'tis too bad I how I pity you !" At this point, she burst into tears, and resting her head upon the back of my seat, she cried and- sobbed until she had completely drenched her pocket-handkerchief, when I handed her one of my own and she drenched that also " 0," she said, " you must not go ! you are too good a woman to be locked up in an Insane Asylum." I tried to console her, by telling her I felt it would all come out right at last that all I had to do was, to be patient and do right. She then put her arm around my neck and kissed me, say- ing, "How I wish I could help you ! I will do all I can for you."' She then left her seat and brought back another lady, whom she introduced as one who wished to talk with me. Prom her I learned that the sympathy of the passengers was with me that some had thought of volunteering in my defence, and this feeling was now gaining strength by the influence of my first friend's conversation amongst them. I saw groups of gentlemen evidently talking together about me some con- versed with me, and I had my hopes somewhat raised that something would be done t.o restore me to my children, and by the time the cars reached Tolono, I felt I was amongst friends, instead of strangers. 56 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Mr. Packard could not but see that the tide was against him, for he sat by my side and listened most attentively to every word, and when opportunity presented, he aimed by self-vindication to counteract every hopeful influence from taking possession of my mind, by such remarks as these, "You say, wife, that the Lord prospers those whose ways please him; now, judging by this test, who is prospered in their plans, you or I ? you see 1 succeed in all I undertake, while all your ef- forts are defeated. Now isn't the Lord on my side ?" "The time hasn't come to decide that question by this test, this is only the beginning, not the end of this sad drama. You may be prospered by having your way for a time, only to make your defeat all the more signal I do not think it is certain the Lord is not on my side, simply because I am not now delivered out of your power. God has a plan to be ac- complished, which requires all this to take place in order to its ultimate success. But I can't see what that plan is, nor why my sufferings are necessary to its accomplishment. But God does, and that faith or trust in the rectitude of his plans, keops my mind in peace even now. Neither do I think it is certain the Lord is on your side, because you have been per- mitted to have your own way in getting me imprisoned. The end will settle this question." Another attempt at self-vindication appeared in the follow- ing conversation said he, " You think a great deal of your father, and that what he does is right ; now I want to show you that he upholds me in doing as I now am, and approves of the course I am now pursuing, and here is a letter from your own dear father confirming all I have said." As he said this, he handed me an open letter in my father's own hand-writing, saying, "Here, read for yourself and see what your father says about it." "No," said I, shaking my head, "I do not wish to read such a letter from my father, for it would be a libel upon his revered memory. I know too, that if he has written such a letter a? you represent, he has had a false view of the case presented to him. My father would never approve of the MY JOURNEY. 67 course you are pursuing, if he knew what the truth is respect- ing it. You have told him lies about me, or you never would have had his approval in putting me into an Asylum." Still he persistently urged me to read the letter, so I could judge for myself. But I would not. This was the only kind of consolation he attempted to offer me. We dined at Tolono, where I had the good fortune to be seated by the side of a very intelligent gentleman, at the head of the table, whom I afterwards found to be the general freight agent, who boarded there at that time. He sat at the end of the table, I sat next him on the side, and Mr. Packard next to me. This gentleman, in a polite, gentle- manly manner, drew me into a free and easy conversation with himself, wherein I freely avowed some of my obnoxious views, and my progressive reform principles, respecting the laws of health, physical development, etc. He expressed his high appreciation of my views and prin- ciples, and remarked, " These have been exactly my views for a long time, and now I am happy to find one woman who is willing to endorse and defend them, and who can do so with so much 'ability." The entire attention of our table guests seemed centered upon our conversation, for all ap- peared to be silent listeners, and none seemed to be in any haste to withdraw the cars giving us ample time for a full and leisurely taken meal. I noticed one of the female waiters, a very intelligent looking lady, seemed almost to forget her duties, so eager was she to listen to every word of our conversation. After retiring with my husband to the sitting room, I recollected the instructions given me to tell all where I was going, had been disregarded at the table, where I ought to have replied to the gentleman's compliment, by saying, "I am happy to have your approval, sir, for it is for avowing these views and principles that I am called insane, and am now on my way to Jacksonville, to be entered as an inmate, to suffer the penalty of indefinite imprisonment for this daring act ; and this, sir, is my husband, Rev. Theophilus Packard, 58 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. of Manteno, who is now attending me there." This thought did flit across my mind at the table, but the habitual practice I had acquired of shielding, instead of exposing my husband, led me to resist this suggestion of self-defence and wise coun- sel. I saw now my error in yielding, thus foolishly, to this feminine weakness, and I, like Peter, went out, not "to weep bitterly," but to seek to make the best atonement I could for this sin. I sought and found that listening female waiter, and asked her who that gentleman was with whom I held my conversation at the table. She told me. " Will you please deliver this message to him? Tell him the lady with whom he conversed at the table is Mrs. Packard, and that the gentleman by her side was her husband, a minister, who is taking her to Jacksonville, to imprison her for advancing such ideas as he had so publicly endorsed and approved at the table." The woman looked at me in amazement, and exclaimed, "You are not going into the Asylum !" " Yes, I am. This very night I shall be a prisoner there." "But you must not go! You shall not go! Come and consult the landlady she may hide you." As she said this, she took me by the hand, and led me to an open door, where, from the threshold, she introduced me to a very kind looking lady, in these words : " This is the lady I told you about, and her husband is taking her to the Insane Asylum ; can't you help her?" Looking at me for a moment in amazement, she said : " Yes, I will. Come with me and I will hide you." " No, my kind friend, it will be of no avail. My husband has the law on his side, and you can not protect me." "But I will try. You must not go into an Insane Asylum. Come ! and I will shield you." As she said this she extended to me her hand, while the tears of real sympathy were coursing down her cheek. I replied, "0 ! sister, I thank you for your kindness and sym- pathy. But don't distress yourself for me. I shall be sus- tained. I feel that God's providence overrules all, and I MY RECEPTION. 59 know God will take care of me and my children." Just as I finished this sentence, Mr. Packard stood by my side, and he with a most respectful bow said, " Wife, will you go with me to the parlor?" I quietly took his arm, and bowing to my would be protector, walked with him to the parlor, where I remained seated by his side until the cars arrived, when I took his arm and went into them, and we were again on our way to Jacksonville. Here I met again my valiant female defender, who informed me that her advisers had de- cided that there was no way to rescue me from my husband's hands ; but that it was certain that a lady like myself would De retained at the Asylum but a very short time, and would soon be restored to my children and liberty again. After thanking her most cordially, for her help and sympathy, we kissed and parted, never to meet again, unless in the un- known future. Now my 'last hope died within me, and as the gloomy walls of my prison could be but indistinctly defined by the gray twilight of a summer evening, I held on to my husband's arm, as he guided my footsteps up the massive stone steps, into my dreary prison, where by lamplight he introduced me to Dr. Tenny, the Assistant Superintendent, to be conducted by him to my lonely, solitary cell. VI. My Reception. Yes, here within these prison walls, my husband and I parted, as companions, forever he was escorted to the "guest chamber," while I, his constant companion of twenty-one years, was entrusted to the hands of my prison keeper to be led by hirn to find my bed and lodging, he knew not where, and to be subject to insults, he knew not what. While he was resting on his wide, capacious, soft, luxurious bed, in the stately airy apartment of the Asylum guests, he did not know that the only place of repose provided for his 60 THE PKISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. weary wife was a hard narrow settee, with no soft pillows to rest her weary head upon. But he did know I had no darling babe at my side, but, solitary and alone I must compose my- self to sleep, not knowing at what hour of the night my room might be entered, nor by whom, or for what purpose for the key of my room was no longer in my own, nor my husband's hands, but in the hands of stranger men, and his wife entirely at their mercy. Yes, this is all the protection I got from the one, for whom I left all to love, cherish and make happy, in return for his promised protection, with all the trusting confidence of wo- man. 1 never doubted but he would protect my virtue and my innocence. Yes, I trusted too, he would be the protector of my right of maternity also, for the dear children I had borne him. 0, could I sleep amid these turbid waters, whose surging billows so mercilessly swept over my soul thoughts such as these? But one thought there was, more dreadful to my sensitive feelings than all others now these dear children, these dear fragments of myself, must even bear the dismal, dreadful taint, of hereditary insanity, for their mother now lodges amid the hated walls of an Insane Asylum, as an in- mate, and Oh ! to whom can their mother now look for pro- tection ? To whom shall I make complaint if insulted ? Oh, to whom? I can not write a letter unless it is inspected by my men keepers. "Why is this? Is it because they intend to insult me, and deprive me of my post-office rights to shield and hide their own guilt? But can I not hand a letter clan- destinely to the Trustees, as they pass through ? If I could do such a thing, and entered a charge against their Superintend- ent, would this be hee;ded? "Would not this Superintendent deny the truth, and defend his lie by the plea, that his accuser is insane, and this is only one of the fancies of her diseased brain ? Yes, yes, there is no man, woman, or child or law, who now can care for my soul, or protect my virtue. And yet, while I am an American citizen, lam excluded, without trial from society, and then denied any protection by law of one MY FIRST DAY. 61 of my inalienable rights. I am not only outlawed, but I am absolutely denied all and every means of self-defence, no mat- ter how criminal, nor how aggravated the offence may be. My womanly nature does call for, and need some refuge to flee to, either to the law, or to man. But here, I have neith- er. Should my keeper chance to be a bad man, 1 have no refuge but my God to flee too therefore, into Thy hands do I commit my body for safe keeping this night. My spirit, and the future of my earthly destiny, I have long since com- mitted to Thy care, and now protect my body from harm, and give me the sleep my tired nature needs, and thus prepare me to bear the trials of to-morrow, as well as I have those of to-day, and Thou shalt have the honor of delivering me from the power of my adversaries. May no sin be ever suffered to have dominion over me. With these thoughts, I fell into a quiet sleep, from which I awoke not until the morning of my first day in the Asylum dawned upon me. TIL My First Day of Prison life. At an early hour, I arose from my settee-bed, first kneeled before it, and thanked my kind Father in Heaven for the re- freshing sleep I had enjoyed, and asked for sustaining grace for the duties of the day. To prepare myself for these duties I took my sponge bath, as usual, since Mrs. De La Hay, my attendant, had, at my request, furnished me a bowl from her own room, towels, etc., so that I could take my bath in my room, as this had long been a habit, I very much wished to re- tain while there. I soon found that she had especially favor- ed me in granting this request, since it is the general custom there, to have all the ladies perform their morning ablutions in the bath room, and I could not learn that any, except my attendant, approved of washing all over, daily in cold water, 62 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. as I did. And, as a general thing, their toilet had to be pre- pared before the same common mirror in the bath room. Therefore I requested Mr. Packard to furnish my room with a bowl, and pitcher, and a mirror, which he accordingly did, and before another night, I had a bed prepared like the other prisoners, which was a comfortable, narrow mattress bed, on a narrow bedstead. Mrs. De La Hay had done the best she could the night before, to accommodate me, since the beds in the Seventh ward were all occupied when I arrived. After finishing my toilet in my room, with the aid of my own brushes and combs and small mirror, which my traveling basket contained, I was invited out to my breakfast with the other prisoners. At my request my attendants introduced me to my companions, most of whom returned my salutation with lady like civility. Our fare was very plain and coarse, consisting almost entirely of bolted bread and meat, and tea and coffee. But as I drank neither tea nor coffee, I found it rather dry without any kind of vegetables, not even pota- toes, and sauce or fruits of any kind. As my diet had con- sisted of Graham bread, fruits and vegetables, to a great extent, I felt quite apprehensive lest my health would ma- terially suffer from so great a change. Mr. Packard did not, however, now seem to care any more what his wife had to eat, than where she had to sleep, for so long as he stayed at the Asylum he was the table guest of Dr. McFarland, whose table was always spread with the most tempting viands and luxuries the season or the markets could afford. Mr. Packard did not even allow me the honor of an invitation to sit with him at this table ; although the night before, a special meal had to be ordered for us both, he took his at the Doctor's table, while I had to be sent to the ward, to eat my warm biscuits and butter there alone. I felt these indignities, these neglects, these inattentions, just as any other affectionate, sensitive wife would naturally feel under such circumstances. But, for twenty-one years I had been schooling myself to keep under subjection to my reason and conscience, the manifestation of those indignant MY FIRST DAY. 63 emotions which are the natural, spontaneous feelings which such actions must inevitably germinate in a true, confiding wife. Therefore I made no manifestation of them under these provocations. At a very early period in my married life, had I learned the sad truth that it was impossible for Mr. Packard to appreciate or understand my womanly nature; therefore I had habituated myself to the exercise of charitable feelings towards him in my interpretation of such manifes- tations. I had tried to school myself to believe that his heart was not so much at fault as his education, and there- fore, I could sincerely pray the Lord to forgive him, for he knows not what he does he does not know how to treat a woman. I knew that the least manifestation of these indig- nant emotions would be misconstrued by him into feelings of anger, instead of a natural, praiseworthy resentment of wrong doing. And the laudable manifestation of these feelings under such circumstances, would tend to lessen, instead of increasing my self-respect. He held me in such relation towards himself as my father did towards himself, so that any resistance of his authority was attended with the same feeling of guilt which I would have felt in resisting my father's authority. And I, like a natural child, had always felt an almost reverential respect for my father's authority, and nothing to me seemed a greater sin than an act of diso- bedience to his commands ; my conscience even demanded that I yield unquestioning submission to even the denial of my most fondly cherished hopes and anticipations. Mr. Packard had been introduced into our family when I was but ten years old, and he had been my father's ministerial companion for eleven years, and when I married him he had been my lover or suitor for only a few months. Previous to this time I had only looked upon him as my father's com- panion and guest, but never as even a social companion of his daughter, who had always been taught to be a silent listener to her father's social guests. This parental training of reverential feeling towards father's ministerial guests, had capacitated me to become an 64 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. unresisting victim to Mr. Packard's marital power or author- ity. And as Mr. Packard's education had led him to feel that this marital authority was the foundation stone of the marriage union, he, of course, conscientiously claimed, what I was too willing to grant, viz : subjection to his will and wishes. But undeveloped as I then was, my true nature instinctively revolted at this principle as wrong ; but wherein, it was then difficult for me to demonstrate, even to my own satisfaction. But I can now see that my nature was only claiming its just rights, by this instinctive resistance to this marital authority. It was the protection of my identity or individuality which I was thus claiming from my husband, instead of its subjection, as he claimed. The parental authority, I admit, has a sub- jective claim, to a degree ; but the marital has only the authority of protection. I believe that the moment a hus- band begins to subject his wife, that moment the fundamental law of the marriage union is violated. Both parties are injured by this act the husband has taken the first step towards tyranny, and the injured wife has inevitably taken her first step towards losing her natural feeling of reverence towards her husband. Slavish fear is conjugal love's antag- onistic foe the purest and most devoted woman's love vanishes before it, as surely as the gentle dew vanishes before the sun's burning rays. Fortify this love ever so strongly, this principle of slavish subjection will undermine and overthrow the most impenetrable fortresses, and take the victim captive at its will. So had my conjugal love been led into a most unwilling captivity by my husband's tyranny, and all the charitable framework which woman's forgiving nature could throw around it, could not prevent this captivity, nor redeem the precious captive, so long as the tyranny of subjection claimed its victim ! But to the triumph of God's grace I can say it, that during these twenty-one years of spiritual captivity, I do not know that I ever spoke a disrespectful word to my husband. I endured the soul agonies of this blighting, love strangling process silently, MY FIRST DAY. 65 and for the most part uncomplainingly. I could, and cheer- fully did do my duty to this usurper, as I would have done to a husband. But these duties had to bo done from the dictates of settled principle, rather than from the impulse of true conjugal love. I hope my impulsive readers will now be prepared to un- derstand that it is not because I did not feel these insults that I did not resent them ; but I had not then reached that stage of womanly development where I had the moral cour- age to defend myself by asserting my own rights. This stage of growth was indeed just dawning upon me ; but 1 the dense clouds attending this dawning of my individual existence ! I had indeed practically asserted one of these inalienable rights, by not yielding my conscience and opinion to the dictates of creeds or church tyranny. Yes, I had maintained my rights of conscience in defiance of the marital power also. And this, too, had been the very hinge on which my reputation for sanity had been suspended. As Mr. Packard expressed himself, "Never before had Elizabeth persistently resisted his will or wishes a few kind words and a little coaxing would always before set her right ; but now she seems strangely determined to have her own way, and it must be she is insane." Thus in my first struggle after my independence, I lost my personal liberty. Sad beginning ! Had it not been better for me to submit to oppression and spiritual bondage, rather than have attempted to break the fetters of marital and religious despotism ! No, I cannot feel that I have done either myself, or others, the least wrong, in the course I have thus far taken ; therefore I have no recantations to make, and can give no pledges of future subjection to either of these powers, where their claims demand the surrender of my conscience to their dictation. And this is what they call my insanity, and for which I was sent to the Asylum to be cured. I think it will be a long time before this cure will be effected. God grant me the quietude of patient endurance, come what will, in the stand I have taken. 66 THE PRISONEE'S HIDDEN LIFE. "While these, and similar reflections were passing through my mind, the door of rny cell was opened by a fine looking gentleman in company with Mr. Packard, to whom he intro- duced me, as Dr. McFarland, the Superintendent. He had but just returned from a journey East, so that Dr. Tenny, the Assistant, received me. Dr. McFarland politely invited me to accompany them to the "reception room." I gladly accepted this invitation to be restored to the civilities of civilization, even temporarily. I seated myself upon the sofa by Mr. Packard's side, and -the Doctor- took the big rocking chair, directly in front of us, and opened an interest- ing and pleasant conversation, by narrating incidents of his eastern journey. In a very easy and polite manner he led on the conversation to other points and topics of interest at the present day, and finally to the progressive ideas of the age, even to religion and politics. He very gallantly allowed me a full share of the time to express my own thoughts, while Mr. Packard sat entirely speechless. As the tone and spirit of the conversation rendered it proper, I recollect I made a remark something like this : "I don't know why it is, Doctor, it may be merely a foolish pride which prompts the feeling, but I can't help feeling an instinctive aversion to being called insane. There seems to be a kind of disparagement of intellect attending this idea, which seems to stain the purity and darken the lustre of the reputation forever after." " No, Mrs. Packard, this is not necessarily so ; even some of the most renowned and gifted minds in the world have been insane, and their reputations and characters are still revered and respected, such as Cowper and Tasso, the greatest poets in the world, and many others." I made no plea of defence in favor of my sanity, and par- ticularly avoided any disparaging or criminating remarks respecting Mr. Packard, but simply let the conversation take the direction the Doctor dictated. But, as I then thought fortunately for me, he introduced no topic where I felt at any loss what to say, to keep up an intelligent interchange MY FIRST DAY. 67 of thought and expression. In short, this interview of an hour or more, was to me a feast of reason and a flow of soul, and it seemed to be equally so to the Doctor, unless my womanly instincts very much deceived me. When I. was returned to my ward, and behind the fatal dead lock, dining with the insane, I must confess I did feel more out of my proper place, than I did while in the reception room of refined society. After noticing the manner in which the institution was conducted for the three succeeding years, I found that the interview I had had with the Doctor was a most uncommon occurrence. Indeed, I never knew of a single instance where any other patient ever had so fair an opportunity of self-representation, by a personal interview upon their re- ception into the Asylum, as he had thus allowed me. They are usually taken, forthwith, from their friends in the recep- tion room, and led directly into the ward, as Dr. Tenny had done by me the night before. But unlike my case afterwards, there they were left to remain indefinitely, so far as an interview with the Doctor was concerned. Many patients were received and discharged, while I was there, who never had five minutes conversation with the Doctors while in the Asylum. Often the new arrival would come to me and inquire, " When am I to have an examination?" I would reply, " You never have an examination after you get here, for the Doctor receives you on the representation of those who want you should stay here." "But I never had any examination before I came, and even did not know where I was being brought, until I got here, and then my friends told me I should have an examina- tion after I arrived." " I believe you are speaking the truth ; for public senti- ment seems to allow, that one whom any one wishes to regard as insane, may be deceived and lied to to any extent with impunity ; and besides, the blinded public generally sup- pose that the inmates do all have to pass an examination here before they are received, which is not the fact. They 68 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. take it for granted that all are of course insane, or they would not be brought here, as Dr. Tenny said of me to Mrs. "Waldo, in reply to her inquiry, ' Dr. Tenny, do you call Mrs. Packard an insane person?' 'Of course I do, or she would not be brought here,' was his reply. And then the outsiders say, 'Of course they are insane, or they would not have been received.' Thus our insanity is demonstrated beyond a question !" After dinner I saw from the grated window of my cell, the Asylum carriage drive up in front of the steps, when Mr. Packard was politely handed in, and the carriage drove off. Upon inquiry, I found he had gone to ride, to see the beauties of the scenery about Jacksonville, and the public buildings and handsome residences. "Oh," thought I, "why could ho not have invited me to ride with him ? And how could ho seek comfort for himself, while he left his wife a7nid scenes of such wretchedness?" Not long after, my attendant came to my room and invited me to take a walk. I most gladly accepted the invitation, struggling and panting as my spirit was, for freedom ; and I found that the pure air alone exerted an exhilerating influ- ence over my feelings, and I with another prisoner, proposed to walk about the buildings, to see the grounds, etc. But we soon found ourselves followed by our watchful at- tendant, to see if we were not trying to run off I "Oh," said I, "is this the vigilance that I am subjected to? Is there no more freedom outside of our bolts and bars, than within them? Are we not allowed to be paroled like prison- ers? No, no. No parole of honor is allowed these prisoners, for not one moment are we allowed to be out of sight and hearing of our vigilant attendant. And these are the walks and circumscribed limits Mr. Packard has assigned his wife, while he can roam where he pleases, with none to molest or make him afraid." It is my opinion that this institution receives and retains many sane persons, of whose sanity Dr. McFarland is as well assured as he was of my own. I do believe that ho became PARTING SCENE. 69 fully convinced in his heart that I was not insane, before our interview terminated ; but since I had been already received by his assistant, he did not like to revoke his decision so ab- ruptly as to return me directly into my husband's hands ; neither did he wish to disappoint the wishes nor thwart the plans of a very respectable and popular minister of high standing in the Presbyterian church, for by this act he might possibly alienate some popular influences from his support; and one other thought may have had some influence over this decision (and will not my reader pardon my vanity if I men- tion it ?) namely, I think the intelligent Doctor thought he would like to become better acquainted with me. By thus retaining me for a few days, he felt that I could then be re- turned to the satisfaction of all parties. His subsequent polite attentions, and the remark he made to me at one of these interviews, viz : " Mrs. Packard, you will not remain here many days," in connection with a remark he made Mrs. Judge Thomas, of Jacksonville, respecting me, has led me to feel that I did not then misjudge him. The remark was this, "Mrs. Thomas, we have a very remarkable patient now in our Asylum. It is a Mrs. Packard, a clergyman's wife, from Massachusetts. She has a high order of talent, has a very superior education, is polished and refined in her man- ners, having ever moved in the best society, and is the most intelligent lady I ever saw. I think you would like to make her acquaintance." Till. The Parting Scene. The next day I had a brief interview with the Doctor alone in my room, which was very pleasant and satisfactory to me that is, I thought he could not think I was an insane person, therefore I had a little ray of hope to cling to, as Mr. Packard had not yet left. Dr. McFarland did not ex- change a word with me upon this subject. But this dying hope was destined very soon to go out in utter darkness. 70 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. About three o'clock in the afternoon Mr. Packard came the second time to my room, and as he had allowed me to be in his company only during the interview I had with the Doctor, during the two days and nights he had been in the Asylum, I felt it to be a privilege to accept of his invitation to go to the reception room and have a talk with him there. I ac- cordingly took his arm, without its being offered, and walked out of the hall. As we passed on I heard some one remark, " See I that lady is not alienated from her husband. See how kindly she takes her husband's arm." I seated myself by his side on the sofa, when he said, " I am going to leave for Manteno in about one hour, and I did not know but that you would like to have a talk with me before Heft." " Then you are determined to leave your wife in an Insane Asylum. O, husband I how can you do so ?" I then burst into tears. "I hoped we should have a pleasant interview before we parted." "Pleasant! how could it be pleasant to leave me in such a place ? and do you think it will be pleasant for me to be left? Only think of those dear little motherless children !" "I shall see that they are well taken care of." " But you can not give them a mother's care. 0, how can my children live without their mother ; and how can I live without my children?" As this strong maternal feeling of my nature came welling up into such a high pitch of intensity, it seemed as if my heart would burst with anguish, at this hitherto unaccepted thought. I arose, and with my handkerchief to my face, I walked the room back an'd forth, at the same time, begging and pleading in the most plaintive, expressive terras, that he would com- mute my sentence of banishment, so far as not to separate me from my children. 0, do be entreated in some way, to allow me this one favor, and my grateful, thankful heart will bless you forever. 0, it will kill me to be separated from those dear ones. My babe ! 0, what will become of him ; and what PASTING SCENE. 71 will become of me, without my babe? 0, husband, do ! do ! let me return with you to my children ! You know I have always been a kind and faithful mother, and wife too, and now how can you treat me so ?" For sometime I walked the room, giving utterance to such, and similar expressions, without raising my eyes, or noticing the effect my plea was having upon him ; but after a long pause, and vainly watching for his reply for some time, I look- ed up to see why he did not speak to me, when lo ! what did I see ? My husband, sound asleep on the sofa, nodding his head. In astonishment, I indignantly exclaimed, " husband ! are you asleep ? (Jan you sleep, when your wife is in such agony?" The emphatic tones of my voice brought him back to consciousness, when he raised his head, and opening his eyes, replied, "I can't keep awake ; I have been broke of my rest !" "'I see it is of no use to say any thing more it will avail nothing. "We may as well part now as ever." Saying this, I walked up to him and extended to him my hand, arid as I did so, I said, " Farewell, husband, forever ! may our next meeting be in the spirit land ; and if there you find yourself in need of help to rise to a higher plane, remember there is one spirit in the universe, who is willing to descend to any depth of misery, to help you on to a higher plane, if this can be done and this spirit is your Elizabeth. Farewell, hus- band, forever 1" " I am sorry to hear you talk so ; I hoped we should have a pleasant parting." This was our parting scene. Now let me introduce to my reader, a scene in the Doctor's office, which succeeded this. Leaving me in the reception room, he repaired to the office, to take his leave of the Doctor. Now it was his turn to cry. Availing himself of this right, he now burst into a flood of tears, which so choked his utter- ance, it was some minutes before he could articulate at all, when he at length exclaimed, " How I pity my wife I How 72 THE PRISONER S HIDDEN LIFE. hard it is to leave her here ! 0, if I only were not obliged to do so, how gladly would I take her home. She is such a good wife, how can I part with her? But I must do so, hard as it is, for her good." Thus he went on, acting this part of the drama to perfection. Indeed, so well, and adroitly did he act the husband, that the intelligent Doctor McFarland himself, was deluded into the belief that he was sincere, and that these were the tears of true sorrow and affection. Alluding to this scene months afterwards, he remarked, " I never saw a man so deeply afflicted, and even heart-broken, as Mr. Packard was, at parting with you. He was the most heart-broken man I ever saw. If ever a man manifested true affection for his wife, it was Mr. Packard." Yes, he so completely psychologised the Doctor into the feeling that he loved me most devotedly, and was compelled in spite of himself, to incarcerate me, that the Doctor felt certain there had been a justifiable cause for my having been brought there. Satisfied that his work was now well done, he took his leave of the Doctor, and his tears at the same time, and with a light heart and quick step, passed out on to the porch, where he stopped to give me one look of satisfied delight, that he had finally completely triumphed, in getting me imprisond be- yond all hope of deliverance. Never had I seen his face more radiant with joy, than when he looked up to me, as I stood before the open window of the reception room, and threw me his kisses from the ends of his fingers, and bowed me his hap- py adieu. Yes, happy, that his conspiracy against my per- sonal liberty had so completely triumphed over all opposition. Having secured the entombment of the mother, he had now naught to do but to teach her children to despise their mother, and treat her name and memory, with contempt and derision. DISAPPOINTED HOPES. 73 IX. Disappointed Hopes. Mr. Packard has gone ! My last hope of deliverance through him, has now sunk into a rayless night of despair. Yes, utter despair of ever being liberated and reinstated in my family again. He has not so much as even uttered one syllable on which I could build such a hope. I never have heard him even say, he hoped I should ever get better, so as to be with him once more. What can this mean ? Has he buried me for life? Yes, so his conduct speaks, and no word, or act contradicts it. Hopeless imprisonment ! 0, may my reader never know what these terms signify. I know what it is to endure endless torment, and hopeless bondage ! and it is a terrible doom . I did try to build a faint hope, upon the fact that he had brought only a small satchel of things with me, and these could not last me long, but before he left, he dashed this hope to the ground by telling me, he should send me my trunk, after he got home. In about three weeks, there did arrive a monstrous sized trunk directed to Mrs. Packard, which led the patients to exclaim, "I? Mr. Packard going to keep his wife here for life ?" And how did my sad hart echo this fearful question. But even amid this gloom, one ray of comfort gleamed forth at the thought, now I shall hear from my dear children. They surely will send some token of love and affection to their imprisoned mother. And to enjoy this comfort to its fullest extent, I asked the Doctor to allow me to unpack it in my own room, with my door locked. He kindly locked me in himself, seemingly rejoicing in my anticipated joy. My first surprise on opening it, was to see so few articles of clothing, and these of the very poorest kind, and in a state of the most tangled confusion, with rotten lemons and cans of fruit scattered amongst them to their detriment, poor as they were. The whole contents would not fill one-third of D 74 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. the trunk, and this caused the confusion in the transportation of the trunk. And why he should send so large a trunk to carry so few articles, has always been an unsolved mystery to me. Bnt this feeling was soon lost in the bright thought of soon finding my childrens' love tokens. Each and every article was most carefully searched, to find what would be next to finding my child, for his own fingers must have held it and kissed it for his mother. But ah 1 must I utter the sad truth, that no token, no letter could be found, on which my fond heart could rest its loving impulses? Yes, so it was; and being alone, I wept in deepest anguish at this disappointed hope. My sons after- wards told me that they all expressed a wish to send me a letter and many tokens, but their father had refused to let them do so unless he should dictate the letters. I. "W. said he knew that to get such a letter as his father would dictate, would pain. me more than it would to get none at all. And so it would have been, for on a narrow strip of paper, four inches long and two wide, I found pencilled, "We are glad to hear you are getting better; hope you will soon get well. Your daughter Elizabeth." This her father made her write to make me feel that she believed me insane; and he knew nothing would torment me so much as this thought from her. Indeed, I found that what I. "W. had said was too true. I was more pained to get this line from my daughter, than I would have been to get none at all ; for not knowing the truth, I did fear she was coming under the influence of this delusion. I think the Doctor pitied me under this trial, for the next day, when in reply to his questions, I told him I found no letters, or love tokens, or messages from my children, he seemed astonished, and said, "I thought you would find many letters. I wonder they did not write their mother." Another disappointment. I had especially requested Mr. Packard that my nice black silk dress and white crape shawl be sent, so. that I could go to church decently dressed. But not only these, but all my other good articles of clothing DISAPPOINTED HOPES. 75 were kept from me, not only -while I was in the Asjium, but long after I was liberated; and then he was forced to give them up upon my father's authority. .Now my only hope of deliverance lay in the Mantenoites fulfilling their promise to get me out in a few days. Every carriage and man was watched, hoping to find in him my de- liverer. But none came, until several weeks, when I was called from Mrs. McFarland's parlor into the reception room, to see Mr. and Mrs. Blessing, from Manteno, and a stranger, to whom they introduced me as Dr. Shirley, of Jacksonville. Dr. Shirley took the lead in the conversation, and I was delighted at the compliment he paid me in introducing sub- jects such as required intelligence and scientific knowledge to converse upon. Our pleasure in sustaining such an inter- change of thoughts seemed to be mutually reciprocated, and I think we both parted feeling that we were wiser than when we met. I am sure this was the case with me, and from what Dr. Shirley said of me to those who had employed him to test my sanity, I think I did not misjudge him. In reply to their inquiry, " Is she insane ?" he said, " She is the sanest person I ever saw. I wish the world was full of such women." Now that my sanity was established beyond question, the Mantenoites resolved to liberate me, and therefore appointed a public indignation meeting for this purpose, to see what could be done to effect it. Mr. Packard hearing of this pro- posed meeting to liberate his imprisoned wife, sent to Chicago and obtained Rev. A. D. Eddy, D. D., and Mr. Cooley, of the firm of Cooley & Farwell, to come to Manteno and help him to withstand and defeat this philanthropic plan. They both came and did their work up thoroughly and successfully, in that they browbeat the Mantenoites, and silenced them into submission to the dictates of this ministerial and church influence. Thus this plan was defeated, and I was destined to another disappointment. Mr. Blessing told me clandes- tinely, he had come to effect my liberation if possible. But these Mantenoites determined that their defeat should 76 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. not be a failure, and therefore they determined to try the liabeus corpus act, and thus secure me a fair trial at least. But to their surprise, they found it exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to extend this act to a legal "nonentity," unless by the consent of Mr. Packard, who stood for me in law, and of course he would not consent to any step which would allow me any chance at self-defence. Therefore, with the encouragement and assistance of his brother ministers, and the church, he learned how to ward off this attempt suc- cessfully. Again the Mantenoites assembled, and by their generous contributions raised a liberal purse of money, to be used in my defence. They sent a delegation to the Asylum, to in- form me of this fact, which they did, by carefully noting the time the Doctor's back was turned, to inform me as they walked through the prison halls. , Said they, " Any amount of money you can have, if money can help you. Send to Theophilus, your son to take you out." I simply had time to reply, " I can't send letters out." This was all we could say clandestinely. Although I could see no hope of deliverance through this source, yet the thought that I was being cared for by any one outside my prison, was a great consolation to me. Through the influence of friends, my oldest son Theophilus visited the Asylum, and obtained an interview with me, a de- tailed account of which visit is given in my " Three Years Imprisonment," on page 127, therefore I shall not repeat this affecting scene. But the result I mention, to show how our hopes are germinated, only to be' blighted by Asylum life. At this interview, Dr. McFarland fairly promised to co-operate with my son, in doing all in his power to get me out, and af- terwards refused to do the least thing towards it, not even to send my letters to my son, nor would he deliver his to me. I know he received letters from him, for shortly after, 1 saw one on his office table from him, directed to me, and I took it up to read it, and he took it from me, refusing to let me know its contents. Now I found I was destined to another SUNNY SIDE OF MY PRISON LIFE. 77 disappointment, for the Doctor had not only refused to co-op- erate, but was evidently defeating my son's filial attempts to rescue his mother. The agony of this disappointment was increased by the fact that the Doctor had deceived us both, in this transaction, therefore his word could no longer be trusted. I was very sorry to be obliged to come to this conclusion, for until this development I had regarded him as a man of honor, whose word could be trusted. Another effort my friends made, was to go to the Govenor on my behalf, but he replied he could not repeal laws, nor en- act laws he could only execute laws, and if there was no law by which I could have a trial, or be liberated, he did not know of any thing that he could do for me. It was my hus- band's business to take me out, and if he refused, there was no law to force him, so long as Dr. McFarland claimed I was insane. After all these sore disappointments, I found that my per- sonal liberty, and personal identity, were entirely at the mercy of Mr. Packard and Dr. McFarland ; that no law of the Institution or of the State, recognised my identity while a married woman ; therefore, no protection, not even the criminal's right of self-defence, could be extended to me; and therefore I must intelligently yield up all hopes of my per- sonal liberty, so long as Mr. Packard and Dr. McFarland lived and agreed in keepingme imprisoned. X. The Sunny Side of my Prison Life. For the first four months of my prison life, Dr. McFarland treated me himself, and caused me to be treated, with all the respect of a hotel boarder, so far as lay in his power to do so. As to medical treatment, I received none at all, either from himself, or his subordinates. And the same may be said with equal truth, of all the inmates. This is the general 78 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. rule ; those few cases where they receive any kind of medical treatment, are the exceptions. A little ale occasionally, is the principal part of the medical treatment which these ex- ceptions receive, unless his medical treatment consists in the "laying on of hands," for this treatment is almost universally bestowed. But the manner in which this was practised, va- ried very much in different cases. For the first four months the Doctor "laid his hands" very gently upon me, except that the pressure of my hand in his was sometimes quite perceptible, and sometimes, as I thought, longer continued than this healing process demanded I Still as I was then quite a novice in this mode of cure, I might not have been a proper judge ! But after these four months he laid his hands upon me in a different manner, and as I then thought and still do think, far too violently. There was no mistaking the character of these grips no duplicity after this period rendered this modern mode of treatment, of doubtful interpretation to me. To Dr. McFarland's credit I must say it, that if shaking hands with his patients is his mode of medical treatment, I must give him the credit of paying no respect of persons in administering it. For indeed there was seldom an occupant of the Seventh ward who did not daily feel the grip of the Superintendent's hand. And I have no doubt but that this mode of imparting mag- netism was in many instances beneficial to the patient. So far as its influence upon me was concerned, I cheerfully ad- mit that I considered myself benefitted by it. My nervous system had been severely taxed, my sympathies had been stifled, and these heavy draughts on the vital forces of my nature had left me in a condition to be easily strengthened and benefitted by the magnetic influence of a strong and sym- pathising man. The affectionate pressure of his great hand seemed to impart a kind of vitality to my nervous system, which did help me bear my spiritual tortures with greater fortitude and composure. I felt that he did pity me, and really wished to be a true friend to me and my interests. Many thanks are due Dr. McFarland for the courteous, manly SUNNY SIDE OF MY PRISON LIFE. 79 treatment I received from him during this favored period. I did not then think, neither do I now cherish the thought, that Dr. McFarland intended to manifest himself towards me in any manner inconsistent with the principles of a high toned, manly gentleman. Only one impulsive act did he allow himself to commit during this period, which I think his reason would not approve, so far as his personal treatment of me was concerned. One day I was entrusted with the care of some of the Seventh ward prisoners, to recreate ourselves in the court- yard. Availing myself of the sources of amusement there furnished, I seated myself upon a swing, and also politely accepted the offer of a gentleman, who was reclining upon the grass under the shady tree, to swing me. After allow- ing him to do so for a while, I asked him to allow me to get off and let another take my place. But instead of receiving their thanks for this offer, Mrs. Gassaway, one of the prison- ers, a wife, and mother of several children, bestowed upon me a most severe reprimand, not only for swinging myself, but also for allowing a "male patient," as she called my gallant, to swing me. Instead, therefore, of accepting this offer herself, or allowing any other one to accept it, she started with a quick step towards the ward, to report my misdemeanors to Miss Eagle, our attendant, as she threat- ened to do. I, of course, followed with my paroled prisoners after her, as I had been instructed to keep an eye upon them all ; but instead of following them into the ward, I went alone into the Doctor's office, to report my misdemeanors at head quarters. I found Dr. McFarland standing at his writing desk, alone in his office. I rushed up in front of him, and in a very enthusiastic, amusing manner, made a frank and full confession of what Mrs. Gassaway termed my "great improprieties ! " With his eyes upon me, the Doctor listened with the most profound attention to my confessions and plea for pardon, and as I finished by inquiring, "What shall I say to Miss Eagle in extenuation of Mrs. Gassaway's charges against me ; he replied, "Say nothing; I will see that you 80 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. are protected;" and as he made this remark, he stooped and bestowed a kiss upon my forehead. Although I regarded this as a mere impulsive act, dictated by no corrupt motives, yet as I afterwards told him, I con- sidered it an indiscreet act for a man in his position, "For," said I, "Dr. McFarland, men do not send their wives, nor fathers their daughters here, expecting that you will mani- fest your regard for them in this manner, and by doing so, you render yourself liable to just censure from the patrons of this Institution." The Doctor listened with silent attention to this reproof, and only remarked " It was only a kiss of charity!" And here I will venture the remark, that had I been dis- charged at any time during these four months, I should doubtless have identified myself with that class of discharged prisoners who represent Dr. McFarland as no other than an honorable gentleman. And I am prepared to believe there are many whose experience would lead them to thus repre- sent him, for, from their standpoint, he had been only the gentlemanly Superintendent. The greatest fault I could see in the Doctor's conduct during this period, was his receiving so many who were not insane, and in retaining those who had recovered their sanity so long after they were able to be at home. I saw several such sink back into a state of hopeless imbecility from this cause alone. Hope too long deferred made them so sick of life that they yielded themselves up to desperation as a natural, inevitable result. It was a matter of great surprise to me to find so many in the Seventh ward, who, like myself, had never shown any insanity while there, and these were almost uniformly married women, who were put there either by strategy or by force. None of these un- fortunate sane prisoners had had any trial or any chance of self-defence. And I could not force myself to believe that so sensible a man as the Doctor, could really believe they were insane, without a shadow of evidence in their own con- duct. But sadly foolish and weak as it was, he professed to believe they were, on simple hearsay testimony, in defiance SUNNT SIDE OF MY PEISON LIFE. 81 of positive, iangible proof to the contrary. I once asked the Doctor how long he had to keep a person imprisoned, to determine whether they were insane or not. His reply was, " Sometimes six months, and sometimes a year!" Another fact I noticed, that he invariably kept these sane wives until they begged to be sent home. This led me to suspect that there was a secret understanding between the husband and the Doctor; that the subjection of the wife was the cure the husband was seeking to effect under the specious plea of insanity ; and when they began to express a wish to go home, the Doctor would encourage these tyran- nical husbands that they were " improving." Time after time have I seen these defenceless women sent home only to be sent back again and again, for the sole purpose of making them the unresisting, willing slaves of their cruel husbands. I do not blame Dr. McFarland for the sins of these unnat- ural husbands, but I do blame him for letting the Institution be used by them as a place of punishment to married women, as a prison, where they could appeal to none for help or de- liverance, but to themselves. These husbands, like Mr. Packard, knew that no law could protect the wife from their despotic power, and they knew too, that the simple word of Dr. McFarland that they were insane, would legally entitle them to the use of this State's Prison as a calaboose, where their wives could be subjected to their husbands will. I think that Dr. McFarland, even while he treated these subject- ed women with decent, gentlemanly respect, was at the same time, inflicting upon them a most cruel wrong, in keeping them imprisoned, when he knew they were not insane. This is the only wrong I complain of. from him, during those four months. He ought to have had the moral courage to say to Mr. Packard, " Your wife is not insane, and I see no reason why her personal liberty should be taken from her, therefore I shall discharge her upon my own responsibility, to take care of herself, unless you choose to do so. I am sure she is capa- ble of assuming a ?elf reliant position, a,nd therefore ought not to be imprisoned." But he dare not do right and justice D2 82 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. by me, or my associates, in this particular, but chose the cow- ardly course of compromising with this mean man ; and thus he trampled the highest, noblest, instincts of his manly na- ture in the dust. By thus oppressing the weak, instead of protecting them, he ruined himself his manliness suffered strangulation under this process, as the sequel will demon- strate. But with this exception, no Superintendent could have treated a prisoner with more consideration than he did me. I was allowed to go into the parlor and visit with his wife or her guests, when I pleased. I was occasionally invited to eat at the Doctor's table. He instructed my attendants to let me go out whenever I pleased. He allowed my room to be furnished with the toilet comforts of any good boarding house. He allowed me to have a trunk in my room, and all the articles of my wardrobe that I needed. I was allowed my gold watch and gold spectacles, my three bladed pocket knife arid scissors ; in fact, everything a hotel boarder could desire. He furnished me books and papers to read. I could read, knit and sew, ride or walk, when I pleased, and to add to the feeling of trust and confidence he reposed in me, he gave me the entire charge of a carriage load of patients, and gave also, the reins of the horse into my hands, to ride as far as I pleased, and return when I pleased. This he did four- teen times, with no one to care for the horse or the patients, but myself. He gave me money to go to the city and trade for myself, and his wife has sent me to trade for her, and for the house. His wife has employed me for weeks in succession, to cut and make dresses for herself and daughters, and the matron em- ployed me to cut and plan work for the house. I cut and made twelve comforts for the house, and tied them myself, in my room. I made pants and vests for the house. I cut twelve dresses, for the patients. Indeed, there was always something I could find to do, for the comfort of others, and my own amusement. I was allowed to visit with most of the guests of the house. In short, but for the grated windows, SUNNY SIDE OF MY PRISON LIFE. 83 and bolted doors of prison life, I should hardly have known but I was a boarder, whose identity and capacities were rec- ognised, in common with other intelligent agents. My companions in the Seventh ward, were a very pleasant source of social enjoyment. Among them, I found some of the most original thinkers I ever saw ; and among this class, I found some of the best teachers I had ever had. Some of them were Spiritualists, and they taught me many new ideas, and set me on to a new track of exploration. They told me their visions, and trances and prophecies, many of which have been already fulfilled, in the events of the war. One lady had a prevision of the war, and was sent to the Asylum because she told of it ! Another had a vision of the same, under dif- ferent imagery, and she had to lose her personal liberty for telling of it. Both of these prophetesses, Mrs. Neff and Mrs. Clarke, have lived to see the exact fulfillment of their visions, and like Jeremiah, they both had to be imprisoned for foretell- ing future events. And sad as is the fact, these inspired women were compelled, even under the folds of the American flag, of religious toleration, to either be false to these true in- spirations, or " Hide their light under a bushel," in order to obtain their personal liberty. Both of them told me, they were obliged to stop talking about it, before any one would admit they were getting over their insanity. But they had to endure the horrors of a Lunatic Asylum for months, and even years, before they could be induced to love the defence of the truth, less than their personal liberty. But neither of these prophetesses ever did, to my knowledge, deny the truth of these visions, nor would they own it to be insanity. They merely yielded to be gagged, on condition that they could be liberated, by so doing. Such manifestations as these, are what the Asylum calls very insane cases, so they had to be subjected to very severe punishments, and tortures, to bring them into this condition. They both said to me clandestinely, the night before they left, "My views are not changed at all, in regard to these prophetic truths, yet I dare not own it aloud, lest Dr. McFar- 84 land hear of it, and I be thereby doomed to endless torment within these prison walls. If my attendants should know that I have uttered these views to you, they will report me to the Doctor, and he will order my friends to leave totmorrow without me, as he will tell them I am not fit to go, for my* insanity has returned. Therefore be entreated, Mrs. Packard, not to betray me by reporting this conversation, until I am safely away from this horrid Inquisition." Of course I did not report them to their tormentors, but I consider it to be my duty, to report this Inquisition to the American people, and thus appeal to their intelligence, to destroy these Inquisitions, which they are now blindly sus- taining, under the popular name of charitable, humanitarian institutions. If the truth were known, I believe that much that is called insanity at the present day, is only a higher development of Christianity than the perverted theology of the pulpit is willing to recognise. It is my opinion, that much that is called insanity in these days of spiritual corrup- tion, will be looked upon by future ages, with a feeling similar to what we feel towards those who suffered as witches, in Salem, Massachusetts. That persecution went so far, that the government was obliged to make a law, that all who ac- cused others of witchcraft, must themselves suffer the pun- ishment they had designed to secure to the witch. This law and its execution, put a speedy stop to these false accusations. Possibly, our government will be obliged to put a stop to these false accusations of insanity, in the same manner. If all those -who falsely accused another of insanity, were com- pelled to be treated as insane themselves, I think the number of those brought before a jnry, for trial on the charge of in- sanity, would be greatly lessened. MY TKANSITION. 85 XL My Transition. During the sunny days of my prison life I was allowed to have the free and unrestricted use of my pen, with all the paper and stationery I wished. My light to my letters, journals and private papers, was as freely acceded to me as any other inalienable right of an American citizen. And Dr. McFarland even respected my post office right so much as not to read my letters to my husband, nor do I think he read his to me. This, I found, was an almost unexampled practical acknowledgment of this sacred right of an Amer- ican citizen, while under the locks and keys of one of its humanitarian institutions. Before I entered an Insane Asy- lum and learned its hidden life from the standpoint of a patient, I had not supposed that the inmates were outlaws, in the sense that the law did not protect them in any of their inalienable rights. I had ignorantly supposed that -their right to " life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," was recognized and respected as human beings. But now I have learned it is not the case ; but on the contrary, the law and society have so regulated this principle, that the insane are permitted to be treated and regarded as having no rights that any one is bound to respect no, not even so much as the slav.es are, for they have the rights of their masters' selfish interests to shield their own rights. But the rights of the insane are not even shielded by the principle of selfishness. What does the keeper of this class care for the rights of the menials beneath him? Nothing. His salary is secured by law, whether there be few or many under the roof which shelters him. Unlike the slaveholder, he can torment and abuse unto death, and his interests are not impaired by this wreck of human faculties and human life. Indeed this wreck is oftentimes made a necessity to the Superintendent, to pre- vent the exposure of his criminal acts. And since there is no law to shield the insane person, he is, by law, subject to 86 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. an absolute despotism. Thus the despot is protected hi his despotism, no matter how severe and rigorous he may become. Now since the object of government should be to protect the rights of its citizens, it seems to me that the insane have rights which the government ought to respect, acknowledge and protect. And one of these human rights is to write let- ters to whom and when he pleases, as this would serve to restrain, in some degree, the absolute despotism which rules supreme behind the curtain. So long as the Superintendent was upright, and acted according to his highest sense of right, he would not care what his patients said or wrote about him. But when selfishness and wicked policy controlled his actions, he would fear his wickedness would be exposed if the patients were allowed to write what they pleased. I think it is because the deeds of darkness and cruelty are so common, instead of the deeds of kindness, forbearance and justice, which render the Superintendents so harmonious in the opinion that it is best to deprive their patients of their post office rights, when they are deprived of their personal liberty. In my own experience I find this principle demonstrated, as the sequel will show. "While I was treated with propriety, there were no striotures put upon my correspondence ; but as soon as he began to pass on to the plane of injustice, he became jealous at once of the use I made of this right. I do not think any letters I wrote during these sunny days, would have excited his jealousy if he did read them all ; but there was one document I wrote which did arouse all the evil influences of his nature into energetic action against me, and this was a written reproof I gave him. It may be a matter of surprise to my readers that I should deem it my duty to reprove one who was acting so gentle- manly a part towards me. It was a surprise to myself, almost, that I should dare to risk myself in such an en- counter, knowing as I did, that all my favors, rights and privileges, were suspended entirely Upon the will of the Superintendent, and therefore, entirely subject to his dicta- MY TRANSITION. 87 tion. But motives higher than those of self-interest actuated me, or I could not have done it. I know that I was a rare exception in the respectful treatment he was bestowing upon me ; no other prisoner had been so much favored before me, if the testimony of his employees could be relied upon, and my eligible position had become the great topic of discussion among the prisoners and employees. But by the omnipotent power of God's grace I was inspired with moral courage sufficient to espouse the cause of *.he op- pressed and the defenceless, even at the risk of becoming one of their number by so doing. I plainly saw and felt that on the part of their oppressors there was power, but that they had no comforter. I felt conscious that I held an influence and power over Dr. McFarland, and I deliberately deter- mined this influence should be felt in their behalf. And, like Queen Esther, I felt willing to cast in my lot witb these despised captives, if necessary, to be their deliverer. I therefore depicted their wrongs, oppression and received cruelties, in the most expressive terms I could command, and on this statement of awful facts I based an appeal to his intelligence, his humanity, and his conscience, to become their protector and deliverer. I furthermore added, that unless he did treat them with more justice, I should expose his criminal conduct publicly, when I got out ; but if he would repent of these sins against humanity, he would have nothing to fear, for we would all forgive the past if he would repent now, and do us justice in the future. This document cast the die for my future destiny. The transition time had fully come, when comfort, attention, respect, privilege, all, all, were in the dead past, and discom- fort, inattention, disrespect, contempt, wrong and deprivation are to mark the future of my prison life. It was for others' interests I plead it was of others' wrongs and woes I complained. It was for them and their sakes I deliberately laid down my position as the Asylum favorite, and became henceforth the Asylum prisoner. From this time, for two years and eight months, I was not allowed to step my foot on 88 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. the ground, and I fully believe it was the Doctor's purpose to make a maniac of me, by the skillful use of the Asylum tortures. But, thank God ! the mouths of the Asylum Lions were kept shut, so that they could not hurt me, and like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, the Lord brought me out of this fiery furnace without the taint of insanity upon me. I did not fear to trust the Lord in the line of my duty he did not forsake me in my captivity. Although henceforth I became one with my fellow captives in suffering, yet never for one moment have I regretted the step I then took in their de- fence, nor the transition it assigned me. XII. My Removal from the Best Ward to the Worst. One Saturday evening, after chapel prayers, Dr. McFar- land took me by the arm and led me from the chapel into the Eighth ward, and as he left me behind the dead lock, said, " You may occupy this ward, Mrs. Packard." This was the first manifestation of the change in the Doctor's feelings towards me. As he left, I said to my attendant, "Miss Tenny, what does this mean?" " I don't know ; all he said to me was, ' I wish you not to allow Mrs. Packard to leave the ward, and give her a dormi- tory bed.' " "I don't know what it means either" said I; "he has never reproved me for anything, neither have I broken any rules that I know of. I wonder if my reproof has not offended him?" " I presume it has ; I have heard there was quite a stir about it." I found it was generally known that I was preparing a document in defence of the prisoners' rights, and several had heard me read it ; and although they insisted upon its truth REMOVAL TO THE WORST WARD. 89 in every particular, yet they all seemed to think I had no idea of the Doctor's power over us, or I should not dare to utter the truth so plainly to him. Some said, "We have often told him the same thing, but he takes no notice of it whatever, unless he gets mad about it, then he will send us to some bad ward to be punished for it." Others would say, "Mrs. Packard, you had better not give the Doctor that document, unless you wish to be sent to a dungeon, where you could never see daylight again." Another would say, "I will stand by you, Mrs. Packard, if you will give him that document, if he kills me for doing so; for it is the truth." Fearing some of these predictions might prove true, I took the precaution to take an exact copy of the document, and sewed it up in a cloth, and hid it between the glass and the board back of my mirror, where it remained, undisturbed and unknown, to any one occupant of the Asylum, except my- self, until I took it out myself, after I was liberated. I did this, thinking that if I should be killed there, it might some time be found, and tell the cause of my sudden or mysterious death ; or if ever I should be liberated, it might be a vindica- tion of my sanity, and explain the reason for my being retained so long. Besides hiding this duplicate, I put every article of my wardrobe in perfect order, before going to chapel prayers that night, feeling a kind of presentiment of coming evil. I also told my friends in this Seventh ward, that I hoped they would save my things from destruction, if they could not help me, in case of an encounter with the Doctor. As it proved, I went to the chapel as well prepared for the event as I could have been, had I known what was to happen. My attendant, Miss Eagle, of the Seventh ward, told me that the Doctor came directly to my room after he had dis- posed of me, and shut himself in there alone, a long time, while he searched my things all over to find every manuscript- I had in my possession, which he took from me. Knowing that I had a duplicate of his reproof, he determined to find it and destroy it. But in this attempted robbery he failed. 90 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. He then ordered Miss Eagle to send all my things to the trunk room, and not allow me to take my bowl and pitcher and mirror, although they both were my own. He ordered my new attendant, Miss Tenny, to treat me just as she did the maniacs, who were now my sole companions to let me have nothing to amuse myself with, by way of sewing, read- ing, or writing. My associates in this ward occupied them- selves in screaming, fighting, running, hallooing, sitting on the floor when they sat at all in their own rooms, as chairs were not allowed in this ward. There was scarcely a patient in the whole ward who could answer a rational question in a rational manner. This ward was then considered the worst ward in the house, inasmuch as it then contained some of the most dangerous class of patients, even worse than the Fifth in this respect, and in respect to filth and pollution, it surpassed the Fifth at that time. It is not possible for me to conceive of a more fetid smell, than the atmosphere of this hall exhaled. An occupant of this hall, would inevitably become so completely saturated with this most offensive effluvia, that the odor of the Eighth ward patients could be distinctly recognised at a great distance, even in the open air. I could, in a few mo- ments after the Doctor put me in among them, even taste this most fetid scent at the pit of my stomach. Even our food and drink was so contaminated with it, we could taste nothing else, sometimes. It at first seemed to me, I must soon become nothing less than a heap of putrefaction. But I have found out that I can live, move, breathe, and have a be- ing, where I once thought I could not. This awful scent was owing to neglect in the management of the Institution. This was not the visitor's ward. Seldom any, but the Asylum occupants, found their entrance into this sink of human pollution. The patients were never washed all over, although they were the lowest, filthiest class of prisoners. They could not wait upon themselves any more than an infant, in many instances, and none took the trouble to wait upon them. The accumulation of this defilement, REMOVAL TO THE WORST WARD. 91 about their persons, their beds, their rooms, and the unfragrant puddles of water through which they would delight to wade and wallow in, rendered the exhalations in every part of the hall, almost intolerable. To endure this contamination, I felt certain my daily cold water bath must be continued ; but how could it be done, with only one tin wash basin for eighteen persons ? I found that we all could hardly find time to wash even our hands and face, before breakfast, in this single dish, much less could it be spared long enough for one to take a full bath. My attendant tried to get my bowl and pitcher from the Seventh ward, to accommodate me, but the Doctor forbid it. I asked him for it. He refused me. I then claimed the right to take a new chamber vessel, that; was brought into the ward for another purpose, and tied a scarlet string around the handle to distin- guish it, and kept it under my bed for my washbowl. By this means, I was able to continue my daily bath, although I found my feelings of delicacy revolted from the gaze of from four to six room-mates, who occupied the same dormitory with my- self. The Doctor expressly forbid my having a room by myself, but compelled me to sleep in this dormitory for one year, where, each night, my life was exposed, by the violent hands of these maniacs. I have been obliged to call up my attend- ant, some nights, to save being killed by them. Still, the Doctor would not let her give me a room by myself. - I have sometimes thought the Doctor put me there for the very pur- pose of getting me killed by these maniacs. I have been nearly killed several times, and I have appealed most earn- estly to Dr. McFarland to save my life, but he would simply turn speechless away from me! I have also asked him to remove some of the most dangerous ones for my safety, and the only response would be, to bring in a more dangerous one. I made no complaints, never expostulated with him, nor spoke a disrespectful or reproachful word to him, in vindica- tion of my own rights. I never made any confession to him of wrong doing on my part, nor presented any plea for pardon 92 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. or forgiveness. Neither did he ever utter one' word of expla- nation to me, why he was pursuing this course of treatment towards me. Neither could any one about the building evei get him to give them any reason for this change towards me, except, " It is all for her good." But to the credit of my attendants, the two sisters, Misses Tenny, and Mrs. Waldo, the matron, I am happy to add, they did not feel bound to co-operate in all the Doctor's plans to abuse and torment me. Indeed, the oldest Miss Tenny, openly and boldly refused to treat me as she did the maniacs. In her own language I can vindicate her, for her conduct cor- responded with her words. One day, after sympathizing with me in my privations, she said, "Mrs. Packard, I shall not treat you as I do the other patients, notwithstanding the Doc- tor has ordered me to. I shall use my own judgment, and treat you as 1 think you deserve to be treated." And indeed, she did treat me like a sister. I do not now see how she could have done better by me than she did ; and to her kindness, and tender sympathy, do I owe much, under God, for being able to escape the many dangers and trials, which enveloped me, and come out from among them, unharmed. The two Miss Tennys deserve much credit, also, for the reasonable and judicious treatment they bestowed upon the other patients in this ward. In fact, they were the first truly kind attendants I had then seen in the Asylum. They were the first I had found, who seemed to fear God, more than they did Dr. McFarland. Even the day following the Doctor's order to not let me leave the ward on any account, she took me to the trunk room herself, and asked me to select any articles from my wardrobe I wished, and let me take my sewing box, con- taining my knife, scissors, and spectacles, etc., and gave me a drawer in the dormitory table to keep them in, and put the key of it into my own pocket. This was a marked act of confidence on her part, for there were strict rules in this ward, that no knife or scissors be allowed in the ward, even in the hands of the attendants. Mrs. "Waldo, our matron, extended to me her practical MY OCCUPATION. 93 Sympathy, by doing many things for my comfort, which the Doctor forbid. She allowed me to use a covered box with a cushioned seat upon it, as a substitute for my trunk, and she bought me a metallic wash bowl after a while, which I used for nearly two years, for myself alone ; and by a little strategy, she and Miss Tenny secured my mirror for our dormitory, as there was no mirror of any kind, in the ward. But this dauntless act well nigh cost me my document, for we had hardly got it hung on to its nail, when one of the wild patients seemed to be seized with a furious spite against it, and rush- ing up to the table beneath it, took article after article upon the table, and threw against it with almost incredible rapid- ity ; but just before she had time to hurl the tumbler and pitcher against it, one of my room-mates seized the mirror from the nail, and rushed with it into another room, while the fragments of the tumbler and pitcher were flying in all direc- tions, and the table being upset with terrible violence. After this, I kept my mirror hid between my beds, except when I wished to use it, or let others use it. But I occasionally found some of the maniacs had taken it from its hiding place, and were using it as they pleased ; but by the most gentle and adroit coaxing, I got it back again, safely. I once recollect of getting one to give it to me in exchange for an apple. But this mirror, like myself, seemed destined to elude all attacks upon its destruction. The document within it, and the spirit within me, seemed alike invulnerable. XIII. My Occupation. As my readers now find me located in my new position, they may, perhaps, like to know how I occupied myself. As it was in consequence of my defence of others' rights and privileges that I had lost my own, I now felt impelled by the same spirit, to make other's wants my care, rather than care 94 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. for myself, by neglecting them. Indeed, I have found that the exercise of this spirit, is, in reality, the best antidote I can find for an oppressed spirit. Paradoxical as it may seem, I think the best way to train ourselves to bear heavy burdens, is to bear the burdens of others. It now seems to me, that unless I had known how to practically apply this principle, I mu?t have inevitably sunk under my burdens ; but the elas- ticity of spirit which benevolent acts alone inspire, capaci- tates the spirit to rebound, where it would otherwise be crushed by the pressure put upon it. And moreover, I sum- moned the will-power also to my rescue. I determined I would not be crushed, neither would I submit to see others crushed. In other language, I determined to be a living reprover of the evils I saw consummated in this Asylum. I did not intend to defend one line of conduct with my tongue and pen, and endorse a different line by my actions. I knew that preaching godliness had far less potency for good, than practical godliness. I had already preached my sermon ; now, all that I had to do, was to put its principles into practice. I had asked Dr. McFarland to ameliorate the condition of his patients ; I now determined to aid him in this good work, to the fullest extent of my ability. Therefore, for months and years from this date, I worked for this object almost ex- clusively. I found that the attendants were very negligent in their duties ; still, I did not feel disposed to blame or reprove them for these neglects. I felt that this duty fell on the Superintendent, and as I had already given him the reproof which was his due, I felt that I had no right to teach his attendants, only by the silent influence of example. In short, I tried to fill up on my part the defects I saw on theirs. I commenced this line of conduct on the Sabbath morning succeeding my removal. As I have said, the patients were in an exceedingly filthy condition, and therefore their per- sonal cleanliness was plainly my first most obvious duty. This morning I commenced by coaxing as many of the pa- tients as I could, to allow me to wash their face, neck and MY OCCUPATION. 95 hands in a bowl of warm, clean, soft suds; and then I sham- pooed as many of their filthy " live" heads as I could find time to do before chapel service. When the Doctor visited the ward that morning, I can not forget the look of surprise he cast upon the row of clean faces and combed hair he wit- nessed on the side seats of the hall. Simply this process alone so changed their personal appearance, that it is no wonder he had to gaze upon them to recognize them. Their rough, tangled, flying and streaming hair looked, when I began, as if a comb had never touched them. He simply bowed to me and said, " Good morning, Mrs. Packard I" and then seated himself upon one of these seats, and silently watched my movements while I pursued this my own chosen calling. Without even alluding to the losses he had sub- jected me to, I simply remarked, " Doctor, I find I can always find something to do for the benefit of others, and you have now assigned me quite a missionary field to cultivate'!" " Yes," was his only response. He did not so much as ask me how I liked my new room, or my new associates ! b.ut after seeing me shampoo one or two of his patients, he arose and left the hall, speechless. The next day, Monday morning, I commenced the slow work of reconstruction and recuperation of the human faculties in sober earnest. I first obtained from my accom- modating attendant, a bowl of warm saleratus water and a quantity of castile soap, a soft cloth and two towels, and a bowl of clear soft water. I then took one patient at a time into her room alone, and there gently stripped her and gave her a thorough sponge bath of this saleratus and wa- ter and soap, and then rinsed them well off with the pure water. I then laid aside all her wet, filthy, saturated and offensive garments, and put clean ones on in their place. After combing her hair, I would introduce her into the ward as a neat, clean, tidy lady, who was going to be an example in these virtues to all others ! being careful, however, to prove the truth of these compliments by tending upon her as I would my cleanly dressed infant. By vigilance on my 96 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. part, her clothes might be kept comparatively clean and dry for two or three days, before another change would be necessary. , * Having thus cleaned the occupant of a room, I then cleaned the room in the same manner, with the aid of a pail of strong saleratus and water and scrubbing brush, I would at length succeed in finding the coat of paint I was seeking for, which had to be done by dint of patient perseverance equal to that required to find the skin of its occupant. It is no exaggeration to say that I never before saw human beings whose skin was so deeply embedded beneath so many layers of dirt as those were. The pa.rt cleaned would contrast so strikingly with the part not cleaned, that it would be diffi- cult to believe they belonged to the same race, if on different individuals. But the scrubbing of the walls and the floor is not the only portion of the room to be cleaned, by any means. It was no insignificant task to put the bedstead and the bed into a suitable condition for a human being to occupy. In many instances, the husk mattress I found completely rotted through with constantly repeated showers upon it, and this rot had in most instances become as black as soot, and re- tained an effluvia most difficult to tolerate. "With the aid of the Misses Tenny I had all these rotten beds removed and emptied, and the ticks washed ; then I cut out the mouldied part, and supplied its place with new cloth, and had it filled again with fresh straw or husks, which completed this part of the business. The sheets and blankets then passed through the cleaning process ; but the white counterpanes which covered up these filthy nests did not need cleaning. They were kept white and clean, by being folded up every night and laid upon the seats in the hall, and in the day time they were displayed upon the beds to advertise the neatness and comfort of the house and beds ! But if a sick patient should chance to lie down upon one of these advertisers of neatness, the white spreads, she was liable to receive some of the severest punishments of this inquisitorial prison, for this great offence against the "display of the house." MY OCCUPATION. 97 The cleaning of one patient and one room, together with the waiting upon those I had cleaned, took one day's labor. And this I continued, day after day, for about three weeks, before I got these eighteen patients and their rooms all cleaned ; and by this time the process needed to be repeated. This I continued to do for nearly one year, until others began to wake up to the necessity of doing likewise in other wards, as our ward was by this time reported to be the neatest and best kept ward in the whole house. And even the odor of it could not be surpassed in purity. This contagion for amelioration extended even to the Trustees, and as the result, at Dr. McParland's suggestion, each ward was subsequently furnished with a nice bathing tub, which the Trustees designed only for the comfort of the patients, as the Doctor urged the need now of the weekly bathing of all of the patients. But I am sorry to add, this great luxury, like the institution itself, has degenerated into the greatest torment to the patient. The bath room is re- garded by the prisoners there as the " calaboose " used to be by the slave at the South. The Doctor visited this ward almost every day, but never to ameliorate my condition, or that of any other prisoner, so far as I could see. He would see the great drops of sweat rolling off from my face, from the excessive exercise this scrubbing and mopping afforded me, but I do not recollect that he ever advised me to desist. But Miss Tenny has told me that he had said to her, " You must not let Mrs. Packard work too hard, for I am afraid her husband won't like it." I do not think the Doctor cared for this ameliorated condition of his prisoners ; but he dared not oppose it directly, since the filthiness of the Eighth ward had become so proverbial, it became a source of apprehension lest these mephitic ex- halations might breed a pestilence in the Hospital. The typhoid fever had raged there during the summer months preceding this expurgating process. During this sickness, the Doctor had assigned to my care sonic of these typhoid patients, whom I nursed and tended night and day. I made E 98 , THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. the shroud of Mrs. Hart, from Chicago, who died of this epidemic there. Mrs. Hart had been a most unwilling prisoner for seven long years, and from all I can learn, I believe she has been a victim of marital cruelty, but never was insane. Her hus- band put her in without trial, and the Doctor took her on his testimony, and kept her to please him, all the while knowing, as I believe, that she was not insane. This is only one of many of those innocent victims, who have been falsely im- prisoned for life, under that most barbarous law of Illinois, which suspends the personal liberty of married women, en- tirely upon the capricious will of the husband. I saw Mr. Hart, her husband, who came simply for appearances, as it seemed to me, to see her during her last sickness, but who became so very impatient for her death, that he could not stay to see her die, although it was almost certain she could not live two days longer, when he left. Thus, his wife, whom his will alone had deprived of her children, home, and liberty for seven years, could not have granted her dying request, that he stay by her to close her eyes, but left, and coolly ordered her body to be sent home to Chicago, by express, in a decent coffin, when she did die. I helped dress the corpse of the un- fortunate victim. I saw her passed into the hands of four stranger men in the dead of night, and carried mournerless, and alone, to the depot, to be sent to her children and hus- band, at Chicago. Oh ! what reckless sundering of human ties are caused by this Insane Asylum system ! These children are taught to regard their mother as a worthless being, because she had the cruel brand of insanity placed upon her by her husband, signed and sealed by a corrupt public servant, whom a blinded public were regarding as an almost infallible man. Thus have the holiest ties of nature, been most ruthlessly sundered by the perfidy of this corrupt Institution. As I witnessed the sum of all our social evils culminating in this most corrupt Institution, I resolved, that here, hence- forth, and forever, my occupation should be, to eradicate, HOW I GOT MY PAPEKS. . 99 expose, and destroy this sum of all human abominations the Insane Asylum system, on its present basis. XIT. How I Obtained my Papers. Before entering upon my Prison scenes, as delineated in my journal, it may gratify my readers to know how I obtained my Asylum papers, containing portions of my journal, and my bible class papers, to which I have already referred, although by so doing, I must go back a little in my narrative. The greatest part of my Asylum journal I secured, by hiding it behind a false lining in my band box. One day I found a piece of wall paper, and I clandestinely sewed this into my band box for a lining, behind which and around the box I hid my papers. Some of them I hid between, the black cloth and the board on the bottom of my satchel. I cut open the edge and scaled it off with a case knife, and after filling the pocket thus made, I sewed it up, where they were kept undiscovered. Some I hid between the millinet crown and the outside covering of my traveling bonnet. I encircled this crown with so many thicknesses of paper, that it sometimes caused the exclamation, " How heavy this bon- net is !" I never told, until I got out of the Asylum, in what the weight consisted. These bible class papers I regarded as my only available means of self-defence from the charge of insanity, therefore I clung to them with great tenacity. I intended to make them the basis of my plea in self-defence before the jury which Mr. Comstock had told me I must have before com- mitment. But if this trial should be evaded in any way, I intended to retain them, as my only armor of defence. During the three weeks that Mr. Packard left my room, I kept them hid under the head of my bed ; but the Saturday 100 THE PEISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. previous to my abduction, I concluded to keep them hence- forth about my person, I therefore made arrangements to put a pocket into my under skirt ; but before I had completed it I was called off to attend to other duties. But Sabbath night, when I espied Mr. Packard so carefully and clandes- tinely searching into all my private apartments, I felt alarmed for the safety of my papers, thinking they might possibly be the object of his search. Therefore, until my pocket was completed, I put them into a small box, and hid them in the wardrobe of my own room, and Monday morning, when I. ~W. got up, I called him to my room, to tell him where I had hid them, that he might, if necessary, save them for me. Said I, '' My son, these papers may be your moth- er's only means of self-defence, and unless we can evade Mr. Packard's search, he will deprive your mother of this last and only means of vindicating her sanity. Now, my son, if I am ever kidnapped and you cannot defend me, be sure that you protect these papers, for they are next to defending me, so far as my reputation for sanity is concerned. I intend to-day to finish my pocket and carry them about my person." " I will certainly regard your request, and protect your papers." Saying this, he kissed me and left, assuring me he should soon be back and take me to ride to Mr. Rumsey's. But before he returned, my kidnappers came and claimed my person, but allowed me no chance to take my papers with me. It seems Mr. Packard feared I should take them, there- fore to prevent my having any opportunity to do so, he ordered Miss Rumsey not to leave me alone in my room one minute after the physicians left it. Notwithstanding I had only half bathed myself when he forced an entrance into my room with an ax through the window, I was compelled to flee into my bed, to prevent my introduction to my guests in a state of nudity, he would not allow me to be alone long enough to complete my ablution. I not only asked this privilege, but I reasoned with him on the impropriety of compelling me to appear in this condition before Miss Rum- sey. But all to no purpose. My reasons and requests were HOW I GOT MY PAPERS. 101 " You have' offee a PraCCa *"' J 4 * 7 papers In. t ' " ^ WaS Wi S ed to '^ without 102 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. had given me for that amount of my patrimony money which my father had sent me a few years before. This note I have never seen, nor have I ever had one cent of the money it secured to me. Mr. Packard's pile of stolen papers was increased by sev- eral additions Dr. McFarland made to it by robbing me of my private papers while in my prison, and sending them to Mr. Packard. After my liberation from prison, I tried va- rious methods to obtain them, but all in vain, until I made him the following proposal: Mr. Packard had for some time been trying to induce me to sign a deed, so that he could sell some real estate, and I had objected, unless he should give me some equivalent for what he had already unjustly taken from me. This he would not do. He therefore went to Esquire La Brie, and took an oath that his wife was insane, so that he could sell the property without my signature. Finding my refusal was not going to save my right of dower, or prevent his selling the property, I proposed to him that I would sign the deed on condition that he would restore to me my papers. He accordingly called in Esquire La Brie to witness my signature, and in his presence he gave me my papers, as I had proposed. This signature was acknowledged as valid, although two days before Mr. Packard had taken an oath on the Bible, that I was insane, and thereby incom- petent to sign a deed ! By means of this perjury on his part, my papers were restored to me. XY. Eyidences of My Insanity. When a person is once accused of being insane, the re- flective mind naturally inquires, how is their insanity mani- fested? This question was often put to Mr. Packard, and knowing all would not be satisfied by his simple assertion, he was obliged to manufacture his proof or evidence to satisfy this class. EVIDENCES OF MY INSANITY. 103 One evidence on which he placed great reliance was, "that his wife invited Universalist ministers to his house for enter- tainment during a Convention." Yes, I do plead guilty to this charge. I did offer the hospitalities of our house to ministers of this class under these circumstances : It was at Mount Pleasant, Iowa, that this Convention met and dedicated a new church, located a few rods from our house. To my great surprise Mr. Packard proposed to attend this dedication, which he did, and I accompanied him, and listened to a sermon of high literary merit, and to me, a morally sound and logical argument was for the first time presented to my mind, that God's infinite love and wisdom were sure guarantees of the world's redemption. The argument was this " Where there is both will and power to cure, no evil can endure." The church was crowded to overflowing, and the Conven- tion being larger in numbers than their own people could conveniently accommodate, the Chairman of the Committee of Arrangements presented this fact to the congregation, and very kindly solicited their neighbors and friends, who could do so, to take them into their families, and all such were asked to leave their names at the stand as they passed out. Since but a short time previous, the Congregationalist society had so large an Association they had been obliged to solicit the hospitalities of other denominations, and as I had called upon our Universalist neighbors to accommodate us, I instinctively felt that it was only paying a debt of honor and justice to offer now to accommodate their ministers. Therefore, as I passed down the aisle by my husband's side, I whispered to him that I could accommodate two. " Shall I give in our names for two?" said I. He paid no attention to me or my inquiry, but passed on by the stand without speaking to any one. Seeing it devolved upon me to make the offer, if made at all, I stepped up and gave in my name for two and passed on and overtook Mr. Packard a few steps from the door, and taking his arm said, " I have offered to take two, and I must now hasten home and prepare for 104 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. them." He made no reply whatever, but his silence said, "I don't approve of it." Therefore I reasoned in defence of the act as an act of justice, etc.; and besides as all the labor of serving the tables, as well as the services of the maid of all work devolved upon me, I felt that if I was will- ing to do all this extra work, no one could reasonably object, as I thought. But fortunately for me, I had hardly com- menced my preparations when the Chairman called and informed me that their friends were all provided for, so that my service was not needed ; and after kindly thanking me for my hospitable offer he left me, with the feeling on my part of having done my duty, and here the subject was dropped. But years after, to my surprise and horror, he brought this act up as evidence of my insanity ! and his argument against me was, that if they had come, he might, in courtesy, have been obliged to have asked a Universalist minister to ask a blessing at his table, or even to lead in family prayers ! and, only think ! this too, in the presence of his children ! Another evidence of insanity he alleged against me, was that I gave a dollar towards building a Catholic church in Manteno. I plead guilty to this charge also. We had a very kind Christian neighbor in Mr. La Brie, who was a Catholic from principle, in the same sense that Mr. Packard was Presbyterian from principle ; that is, both had been educated to feel that their own was the true church, and therefore both were conscientious in sustaining them. Mr. Packard was trying to build up Presbyterianism by his efforts, and he, of course, expected to be paid for doing this work; but the society was new and feeble, and therefore in their struggles to raise his salary, the collector, Deacon Smith, called on Mr. La Brie to help them, arid he with true Chris- tian charity, contributed yearly to Mr. Packard's support. One evening I called on Mr. La Brie, to ask his opinion respecting my article on " Spiritual Gifts," which our bible class had refused to hear, and he very patiently listened and commented upon it. He expressed his opinion that it was a sound, logical, and invincible argument in favor of what the EVIDENCES OF MY INSANITY. 106 Catholics had always considered the true view. This asser- tion very much surprised me, as I had always been taught to believe that the Catholics were a deluded people, believing nothing but absurdities ; but now, when I found out that I had alone studied out a view of truth which they had always endorsed, and one to which our church would not so much as listen, lest it might be found to be heretical, I began to ask where religious toleration is to be found, in the Presbyterian or the Catholic church? I had here found the Christian spirit of charity and religious toleration manifested to a far higher degree in Mr. La Brie, the Catholic, than in Deacon Smith, the Presbyterian. I therefore came to the conclusion that there were not only truths in the Catholic church, but also good Christians in it. As the scales of bigotry thus fell from my own eyes, I could see that the Catholics were just as conscientious in sustaining their church, as we were in sustaining ours ; and finding what struggles they were making to pay their debts, I felt moved to manifest my new feeling of toleration, by giving him one dollar towards helping them liquidate their debt. And now for this act of toleration, I am called insane; for Mr. Packard argues that I should not thus be building up this "mother of all abominations," this "seat of bigotry and intolerance," unless I had lost my reason. The reason which remains in exercise in my organization teaches me that there are truths in all denominations and parties, and there are errors in all, and our reason is only normally exercised, in my opinion, when we use it in separating the good and true, from the evil and false. Again, he says 1 call him the " son of perdition." I shall not plead guilty to this charge, for it is not strictly true. I have oftentimes tried to convince Mr. Packard that he was not a " totally depraved " man. But all in vain. He seems strangely determined to cling to this crowning virtue of his Christian character, with a death-like grapple ! It seems that all his hopes of heaven are built upon this foundation stone I In his creed, there can be no real virtue without it. So tena- E2 106 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. ciously does he cling to this position as the only redeeming trait of his character, that I have sometimes been tempted to say, " Well, Mr. Packard, I do not know but what you are what you claim to be, a totally depraved man, or the 'son of perdition,' for whom there is not found a ransom." When I come to admit his own position, and express an agreement of opinion with him, on this point, then he uses this conces- sion as a weapon against me, as though I had accused him of being the " son of perdition." Again, he accuses me of punishing the children for obeying their father. This is not true. I never did punish a child for obeying their father, but I have sometimes been compelled to enforce obedience to their father's authority, by interposing my own. Indeed, I think my children could never have reverenced their father's authority, without the maternal influence to inspire it, by requiring subjection to it ; for the fitful, unstable, and arbitrary government he exercised over them, was only fitted, naturally, to inspire contempt, rather than reverence. But Mr. Packard has tried to undermine my authority, by telling the children they need not obey their mother, and I have been obliged to counteract this influence, by enforcing obedience, sometimes, where he has interposed and forbid their obeying me. This is what he calls punishing the children,, for obeying their father, whereas, it is only requiring them to obey their mother. Another evidence, and one which his sister, Mrs. Dole, presented to the jury on my trial, was that I once made biscuit for dinner, when I had unexpected company call, and had not bread enough for the table. The reason why this was mentioned, was because the counsel insisted on evidence being produced from my own actions, independent of opinions that I was insane, and she having been more intimate in our family than any other person, was compelled, under oath, to state what she saw. Being unwilling to own she h.ad seen nothing insane in my conduct, and being bound to spe.ik only the truth, she told this circumstance as the greatest aet of insanity she had noticed. ABUSIVE ATTENDANT. 107 But I trust my readers will be satisfied with this array of evidence which my persecutors bought against me, if I only add the sum total of proof as brought by Dr. Brown, an M. D. of Kankakee City, whom Mr. Packard bought to say I was insane, for the purpose of getting me incarcerated again for life in Northampton, Mass. This Doctor had left the wheel- wright business and studied just long enough to experience the sophomorical feeling that his opinion would be entitled to infallibility, especially if given in the high-flown language' of an expert ; therefore, the last of fifteen reasons why he considered me insane, was in these words, as taken down by the reporter at the time, viz: " The fifteenth reason which I have written down, on which I have founded my opinion that she is insane is, her viewing the subject of religion from the osteric standpoint of Christian exegetical analysis, and agglutinating the polsymthetical ectoblasts of homogeneous asceticism 1" xvx The Attendant who Abused Me. Mrs. De La Hay, wife of Dr. De La Hay, of Jacksonville, was the only one of all the employees at the Asylum whom the Doctor could influence to treat me personally like an insane person. She has threatened me with the scieen room, and this threat has been accompanied with the flourish of a butcher knife over my head, for simply passing a piece of Johnny cake through a crack under my door, to a hungry patient who was locked in her room to suffer starvation, as her discipline for her insanity. Besides threatening me with the screen room, she threatened to jacket me for speaking at th table. One day, after she had been treating her patients with groat injustice and cruelty, I addressed Mrs. McKonkey, who sat next to me at the table, and in an undertone remarked, 108 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. " I am thankful there is a recording angel present, noting what is going on in these wards," when Mrs. De La Hay, overhearing my remark, exclaimed, in a very angry tone, "Mrs. Packard, stop your .voice ! if you speak another word at the table I shall put a straight jacket on you ! " Mrs. Lovel, one of the prisoners replied, " Mrs. De La Hay, did you ever have a straight-jacket on yourself?" "No, my position protects me ! but I would as soon put one on Mrs. Packard as any other patient, 'recording angel' or no 'recording angel !' and Dr. McFarland will protect, me in doing so, too." On another occasion, hearing the sound of conflict in our ward, I opened my door, and saw Mrs. De La Hay seize Miss Mary Rollins, a prisoner, by her throat, and Mary pulled the hair of Mrs. De La Hay with as firm a grip, as she held on to her victim's throat. I, fearing the result, rallied help and parted them, when I found poor Mary's throat bleeding from an opening Mrs. De La Hay had made in it with her finger nails. I took a piece of my own linen, and bound it up, wet in cold water ; and this cloth I still retain, red with the blood of this innocent girl, as proof of this kind of abuse in Jack- sonville Insane Asylum. It was my defence of the prisoners from Mrs. De La Hay's unreasonable abuse which led her to treat me as she did. It was not long after this defence of Mary Rollins, that I heard loud screams and groans issuing from a dormitory, when I and my associates rushed into the room to see what was the matter. There we found one of the prisoners lying upon her back, with Mrs. De La Hay over her, trying to put on a straight-jacket. This lady was screaming from physical agony, on account of an injury Mrs. De La Hay had inflicted upon her a few days before, when she burst a blood vessel on her lungs, by strangling her under the water. This plunging ehe had inflicted as her punishment for not obeying her when she told her to stop talking. And now this wounded spot on her lungs had become so inflamed, that the pressure of Mrs. De La Hay's hands upon it, together with tho stricture ABUSIVE ATTENDANT. 109 of the straight-jacket, caused her to scream from agony. I inquired, " What is the matter? Why are you putting the straight-jacket on that woman?" Without answering my question, she exclaimed in a loud voice, " Mrs. Packard, leave this room !" I backed out over the threshold, still looking towards her victim, and repeated my question, " Why are you putting her into the straight- jacket ? What has she done ?" This time, she left her victim, and came at me in a great rage, and seizing my arm, she said <' Go to your room." As she was leading me unresistingly along, one of the prisoners took hold of her arm, and ex- claimed, " Mrs. DeLaHay, do you know what you are about? Do you know that is Mrs. Packard you are locking up?" " Yes, I do, and I am obeying Dr. McFarland in what I am doing. He tells me not to let Mrs. Packard interfere with the management of the patients." She led me to my room, where I was locked up until the next morning. While there, I heard the Doctor's footsteps in the hall, and I heard Mrs. DeLaHay tell him why she had locked me up, and he sanctioned the act by leaving me locked up, without coming to my room at all. The next day I ascertained, that die was disciplining this dormitory prisoner with the straight-jacket, because she had found her upon her bed, trying to rest herself from the pains this rupture on her lungs was causing her. So far as Mrs. DeLaHay's treatment of me was concerned, I do not consider her so much to blame, as Dr. McFarland was. Unlike my other attendants, she was too weak to resist the Doctor's influence over her, and therefore carried out his wishes, while the others would not. Had my other attend- ants carried out his wishes, my Asylum discipline would have been as severe as the other prisoners' were. It was a very noticeable fact, that the very means Mrs. DeLaHay used to secure and retain the Doctor's favor, by abusing me, was the very excuse the Doctor made for dis- charging her ; and the boast that her position protected her from the straight-jacket, did not prove a very defensive armor, 110 THE PEISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. for in a few months from the time she uttered it, she became insane and a tenant of Jacksonville Poor House! XVII. "Let Dr. McFarland Bear his own Sins!" One day while in my room, I heard an uncommon noise in our ward, when, on suddenly opening my door, I saw nearly opposite, Dr. McFarland just as he had released his grasp of Bridget's throat, who had been struggling for her life, to avoid strangulation from his grasp. I did not see the Doc- tor's hand upon her throat, but I did see what she said was the marks of his thumb on one side of her throat, and of his fingers upon the other, and Bridget had a sore neck for some days afterwards, in consequence of it. Bridget, the prisoner's account of the matter is this ; the Doctor entered the ward just after a prisoner had broken a chair, and the pieces were still lying upon the floor. Bridget stood by while Mrs. DeLaHay explained the case to the Doctor, simply as a lis- tener. She had had nothing to do with breaking the chair. Mrs. DeLaHay also stood by, waiting the Doctor's orders. The Doctor turned to Bridget and said, " Pick up those pieces 1" " I shan't do it ! I didn't come here to work ! It is your attendants' business to do the work. He then, without saying a word, seized me by the throat, and the noise you heard was my struggle for deliverance." " Why, Bridget !" said I, " How dare you speak so to the Doctor, and why didn't you obey him ?" " I wouldn't have done it if he had killed me ! I didn't come here to do his work, and I wont do it !" This was Bridget's account, and it was confirmed, not only by all the witnessing patients, but also by Mrs. DeLaHay herself. Bridget was a quiet, inoffensive prisoner. I never saw her evince anything but reasonable conduct, when she was reasonably dealt by, and she was one of my dormitory ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION. Ill companions for many months. She was always obedient to reasonable commands, but like human beings generally, she felt that she had rights of her own, which ought to be re- spected. Bridget has immortalized herself in my memory, by the lesson in theology she taught me the first night I occupied the room with her. It was under these circumstances. As was my uniform practice, I kneeled in front of my bed that night, before 1 got into it, to offer my silent prayer for protection and help, when Bridget, from the opposite bed, exclaimed, " Pray aloud !" I obeyed. This being the first night of my consignment to this loath- some place, I had to struggle mentally, against the indulgence of revengeful feelings towards the Doctor, for the injustice of the act ; therefore, to crush them out, 1 tried to pray for his forgiveness, and in doing so I made use of the expression, "Lord, I am willing to even bear his punishment for him, if, by this means he can be forgiven for this act of injustice towards me." Just at this point, Bridget interrupted me by exclaiming with great vehemence, " Let Dr. McFarland bear his own sins." 1 am now of Bridget's mind entirely. Her sermon con- verted me from the theological error of vicarious suffering. I have never since asked my Father to let me bear the pun- ishment of any other brother or sister, due them for their own sins ; neither have I asked any other intelligence to bear the punishment due me for my own sins. XVIII. Attempted Reconciliation with Mr. Packard. The last letter I wrote Mr. Packard, I told him plainly on what conditions I would return to him. But it seems Dr. McFarland was not willing we should be reconciled on such a basis, for he would not send the letter, although Mr-, Packard was calling most persistently for letters from me. But he 112 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. called in vain, as 1 said in this letter, I should never answer any more of his letters, nor write him again until this letter was answered. He begged of the Superintendent to get me to write, and he would show me these letters, when I would tell him, " When I get a reply to my last letter I will write, but not before, and if you, Doctor, ever wish me to write him again, send that letter, first." But like the deaf adder, he heard as though he heard not, and the ever repeated question would come, "why don't you write to Mr. Packard?" I finally told him " If you cannot understand my reason, and will not report it to Mr. Packard, he must ever remain in ignorance of the reason I do not write him." But it seems he never communicated these messages, nor would he send the letter, but simply told him, "I cannot per- suade her to write you." Finally^ Dr. Sturtevant informed me, that Mr. Packard had wished him to try to persuade me to write him, and he asked me why I could not grant his request. I told him I had written, and the Doctor had the letter but he would not send it, and just as soon as that letter was satisfactorily answered, I would open a free correspond- ence with him. Whether the Doctor allowed him to report my only true reason I know not, but after that, the Doctor told me he had burned my letter, because he considered it " worthless." I know not whether this was the letter he thus disposed of, or some of my many others I had given him to send to other friends. This fact I do know, that so long as my letters were sent through this post-office, my friends never received them, with one or two exceptions. My journal con- tains copies of all these letters, which I have shown to those family friends to whom they were written, and they tell me they never received them. Now here is a branch of the United States mail established within this public Institution, and the mail carrier transports it regularly, protected by lock and key, and yet I could not get a letter into it, nor get one from it, although directed directly to me. Indeed, I felt most keenly the truth of the remark the mail carrier made me, when I once met him and ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION. 113 enquired if he had any letters for me. Said he, "Mrs. Pack- ard, you have just as good a right to your mail as any other citizen of the United States." Why then is not this right granted me? Because one man chooses to say, " I will super- intend this inalienable right, and usurp it when I please, and no one can harm me in so doing." I ask this Republican Government, is this protecting the post office rights of all its citizens ? Who has a right to say, while I am not a criminal, "You shall be restricted in this right. You shall have this right usurped and ignored to any extent, as a punishment for . being numbered among the most afflicted class of American citizens 1" These terrible despotisms would be a far less dangerous institution, were the boarders allowed their post office rights. V If this right had not been usurped, in my case, it might have saved one family from the wreck of disunion. But Dr. McFarland would not allow a reasonable basis of reconciliation to be even presented for his consideration. Why was this? Was he unwilling there should be a reconciliation ? Why should he wish to stand between me and my husband ? These questions I leave my readers to answer. He talked as though he wished I would go to my husband, but he acted as though he had determined to make an impassable gulf between us. Well, if my husband will voluntarily resign his right to be the protector of his own wife, exclusively into the hands of a stranger man, can he blame this man for misusing this irre- sponsible trust ? This voluntary resignation of the marital right into the absolute, irresponsible control of another, is an unnatural act, and therefore must be deleterious in its con- gequences. Dr. McFarland had become an adept in this nefarious work, and therefore he found ways and means of disbanding this happy minister's family, forever. Although Mr. Packard is not responsible for Dr. McFarland's sins, yet, like the drunkard, he is responsible for allowing this exposure to exist. He should have exercised some sort of supervision over his own wife's destiny, so far, at least, as to retain his own rights unmolested. So should the State exercise such a 114 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. supervision over their own Institution, as not to allow their own State rights to be trampled under foot by it, as it now does, in suffering the dearest of all human rights to be utterly ignored by it. The following are the terms I tried to send to my husband as the basis of a just nnion the only kind of union that would ever receive my sanction again. " 1st. Mr. Packard must make the confession as public as he has made the offence, that his wife has never given him any cause for regarding, or treating her as an insane person. 2nd. He must allow me the unmolested exercise of my own rights of opinion, and conscience, and post office rights. 3rd. He must allow me to hold my own property in my own name, and subject to my own control. 4th. He must allow me to control my own children with a mother's authority, so far as the mother's province extends. 5th. He must allow me to be the head of my own house- hold duties, and the mistress of my own hired girl. 6th. The attempted usurpation of either of these inaliena- ble rights of a married woman, shall be considered as a dissolution of the Union." I know such stipulations serve rather to ignore a hus- band's protection, as indeed they do ; but where neither love nor reason will hold a man to be the protector of these, his wife's rights, what can the wife of such a man do, without some such stipulation, or laws, by which her identity, as a woman, can be maintained? The first is only virtually ac- knowledging my identity or accountability; that is, I am not a chattel, or an insane person, but a being, after I am mar- ried, as well as before; and unless a man can hold me upon a higher plane than the principle of common law places me upon, I am not willing to enter the marriage union. The law says I am a non-existent being after marriage, but God says I am an existent and accountable one still ; therefore I claim the recognition of this higher law principle, or I com- promise with this injustice by this act of disloyalty to myself. The conclusion of my last letter to Mr. Packard, dated ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION. 115 April 28, 1861, ends thus: "And ere we finally part, allow me to call to your recollection that most important period of your life, when, at the altar of your God, in the presence of your fellow witnesses, you solemnly vowed to love your wife, to comfort her, to honor her, and keep her in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, in poverty and riches, and forsaking all others, to keep thou only unto her, so long as both should live. Let me ask you, have you kept this solemn vow ? Your lost Elizabeth." About this time I had a letter from Mr. Packard, wherein he lays his plans before me, and asks my advice ! His plans were to break up the family and put out the children, and asks me to whom he shall give my babe, and to whom he shall give my daughter to bring up, and such like questions I But not a single intimation is expressed that the mother would ever be allowed the right to rear her own offspring. No, not even a wish was expressed that he hoped I might ever be able or capable of doing so; yet he could ask the counsel and advice of this non compos on these most impor- tant matters of vital interest ! I He then portrays the present condition of my family in facts like these. He says, "Elizabeth has had a fall and hurt her side, so that it pains her most of the time, and yet does all the work for the family, except when her aunt Dole comes and helps a day occasionally." Poor child ! how her mother longs to embrace her, and sympathize with her as she used to in my sorrows. How can a father put upon this child of eleven years, the cares of a woman the care of a babe, in addition to the care of a family, while she needs to attend school ! how much inconvenience some men will willingly endure, to crush a married woman into that position of non- entity, which the common law of marriage assigns her. I. ~W. too is feeling almost discouraged. He is so gentle in his disposition, he cannot live without his mother's sympa- thy. 0, my darling boy, be patient. God's time to help us is not yet come. I know it is hard for thy tender heart to wait so long. I can hardly bear it myself. Patient waiting 116 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. is the hardest virtue for me to exercise. I had much rather work and toil than wait. But I will surmount all obstacles, and conquer all my impulsive feelings, by schooling them into entire submission to all God's appointments. If we could see all Gods plans as God sees them, we should be satisfied. "While these reflections were passing through my mind, Dr. McFarland called at my room and remarked, " Well, Mrs. Packard, what of the Manteno letter ?" I replied, " the family- are all going to destruction ; and his plan is to present such a view to my mind, as will induce me, for my children's sake, to plead to go home. He is trying to make me say ' 0, hus- band do take me home I if you only will, I will think, speak and act just as you please to have me, and will never ven- ture to think for myself again !' But his plan fails entirely. I shall never give him a chance to put me otFa second time. 11 Then came his usual inquiry, " Have you a letter to send ?" I then told him, " Sir, do joy. think I shall submit to be thus trifled with? you know you will not send the letter I want you to send." XIX. Letter to my Children sent to the Wash-tub. Among my Asylum papers I find a copy of a letter I wrote my children on some cotton underwaists. which I tried to send by Miss Wilson, of Kankakee city. As all communi- cation with my children was cut off by the authority of Dr. McFarland, I was led to resort to strategy to secure this end. Therefore I procured some nicely dressed bleached cotton, and embroidered my daughter some double underwaists, on which I could easily and legibly pencil a long communication, such as my feelings prompted, hoping thus to bring myself to their recollection, so that I might not become an object of indiffer- ence to them. The Doctor knew that I was making these waists for her, and it seems he suspected the plan which LETTER TO MY CHILDBED. 117 might thus open some kind of communication between us, therefore as Miss "Wilson was leaving, as a discharged patient, for her home in Kankakee, he, knowing that my Manteno hdme was only twelve miles from there, took her aside and asked her if she had any letter from me with her. She re- plied that she had no letter. " Have you anything from Mrs. Packard to her children ?" " Yes, I have some waists for her daughter, which I promised to take to her." "Let me see them," responded the Doctor. She then took them from her bosom, where she had placed them for concealment, and handed them to the Doctor. He unfolded them and saw the penciling on the inside, and after reading it, ordered them to the laundry to be washed and ironed before they could be sent ! thus thinking he had swept the letter into oblivion. But his sagacity was outwitted by his prisoner this time, for if the exultant Doctor felt that all traces of my intelligence and sanity had been obliterated by the destruction of my letters, he will now see he was mis- taken, when he sees this printed copy was preserved to be my passport to the world, of the state of his prisoner's mind while behind his dead-locks, and numbered among his " hopelessly insane maniacs." INSANE ASYLUM, June 20, 1861. MY BELOVED CHILDREN : So long as we are sure we have conscience and God on our side we have nothing to fear, although we are maligned by those who deny that conscience is designed as our guide. Let those who dare to disregard this silent monitor do so; but you, my children, will with me, dare to "serve the Lord," won't you? For it is only fidelity to its dictates which the Lord requires as his service. You are in danger of losing your souls by contact with those who encourage you to set aside conscience as your guide to heav- enly happiness. In this net of false doctrines, Satan is ensnaring guileless souls, and leading them unawares into captivity to himself. Do, children, be warned, and escape this snare before it is too late. But, children, since we can not secure the safety of any 118 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. soul in opposition to their freedom, I rejoice that God does not hold us absolutely responsible for any soul but our own. To save ourselves depends upon ourselves ; and he who is fully determined to "work out his own salvation with fear and trembling," is the only one who will experience this sal- vation. Children, do right in everything, whether you are praised or blamed, and you will certainly secure a crown of righteousness, and so long as you continue to do right, no one can take it from you. But one sin, one wrong act, may for- feit it forever ; as only a small stream may drown one if he lies prostrate in it. 0, beware of little sins, little deviations from rectitude, truth, honesty, uprightness, from kindness, from forbearance, from patience, from forgiveness, from char- ity. Encourage the very incipient beginnings of repentance on the part of offenders, by showing that your heart yearns and longs to mteet it with forgiveness, with God-like forgive- ness, bestowed on the gospel ground of repentance. But, children, I fear you will think mother is preaching you a sermon, instead of writing a letter. Pardon me, if 1 have burdened you thus, for you know this is not your moth- er's way to teach you Christ's religion. Her way has been to practice godliness, and thus endeavor to be a " living epistle known and read of all men." But being absent, I am under the necessity of taking this method of instructing you. Your mother is doing here as she did at home, trying to secure her happiness in doing right ; although by so doing, I often offend others by becoming thus a " terror to the evil doer, as well as a praise of them that do well." I can not express how much I regret the course your father has taken in separating me from your society and sympathy. But he is alone answerable for a great wrong by so doing. 0, how I do rejoice now that I never wronged that man. J beg of you to do the same. Keep clear of guilt, however much he may tempt you. Remember, that to be angry, is but to punish yourself for another's fault. Love yourselves too well to do it, for you can not be really happy if you sin MY FIRST PAPER 119 in the least thing. I do feel deeply sorry you hare so deso- late a home. But be patient, and all will be right some time. Never do the least thing but what you would be will- ing the whole world should know of it, for even your motives will all be revealed and exposed, either to your shame or your glory. This fact rejoices my heart ; for could the world see my heart as it is, as God sees it, naught but love and good will to all mankind, to every individual, could be found there. Time will develop that even my persecutors can not find a truer friend to them than I am none more ready and impa- tient to forgive them, if they will but repent. Don't be discouraged or disheartened, although the dark- ness which envelops us is so dense as to be felt, for these clouds are about to break in blessings on our heads. "Be- hind a frowning Providence he hides a smiling face." Do your routine of duties faithfully, as you used to do when I was your guardian, and God will take care of our destiny. I do fully believe he is now working for us, in the best pos-- sible manner. "When we do meet, shan't we have enough to talk about? Won't we have "good talking times," as you used to say, when you sat in a circle about me, to hear me tell you true stories about my childhood ? But good by, for the present. Your loving mother, E. P. W. P. XX. How I obtained my first Writing Paper. On March 9th, 1861, I was allowed to pack the trunk of one of my most intimate associates in my ward, Mrs. Bet- sey Clarke, who was to leave the next morning with her son, who had come for her. "While packing it I had the good fortune to find four sheets of letter paper which had escaped the supervisor's notice. My good friend readily consented to 120 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. let me have it in exchange for some articles of my wardrobe which she needed, and thus I, an Asylum prisoner, became the honest owner of four sheets of paper ! a prize almost in- valuable to me. Hitherto all my efforts to obtain a sheet of paper had been futile, since the Doctor had given a general order to all the employees not to let me have paper or stationery of any kind after he had consigned me to this maniac's hall. I had writ- ten before this time on tissue paper, margin of newspapers, cotton cloth, or brown paper and such like, and had handed clandestinely letters written on these materials to the trus- tees and Dr. Sturtevant. our chaplain, and retained copies of the same on the same materials where I now find them With these helps I had kept a private journal, too, from which the facts of this book are compiled. Now, with these three sheets, I felt, under the circumstances, richer than any fortune could have made me. I wrote with a pencil ve- ry fine, so that I wrote two or three times the number of written lines as were ruled, so that I put a wonderful amount of matter on a very small surface. Mrs. Hosmer, the sewing room directress, knowing how eagerly I watched her sewing-room to get such writing ma- terials, ventured to try an experiment to gratify this wish on my part. Being a strict observer of all the rules of the house, she could not aid me in this desire without the Doctor's con- sent. She therefore bought a pocket diary, and asked Dr. McFarland's permission to make me a present of it on " New Year's." He consented, and I thus became the honest owner of another treasure of inestimable value. I used this most faithfully for one entire year, and had just written my final entry for the last day of December, and was just returning it into my bosom, its safe hiding place for one whole year, when lo 1 my door was suddenly and unexpectedly pushed open by the Doctor in his velvet slippers ; he thus caught me, before my treasure was out of sight. He sprang towards me and seized it forcibly from my hand, before I could get it into ray bosom, and sitting down began to read aloud from it, in spite AN HONORABLE ACT. 121 of my protests against his seeing my private meditations. He made fun of some portions ; others he tore spitefully, from the book, saying as he did so "that is a lief' 1 I begged that he would return it without tearing it. But he heeded nothing I said, either in defence of its truth, -or of my claim to it, as by his consent I had obtained it. But instead, put it into his vest pocket, and walked off with it. This is the last I ever saw of this part of my Asylum diary. My journal covering this period is complete. XXI. An Honorable act in Dr. McFarland. Mrs. Sullivan, a sane woman, was put in here by her drunk- en husband, on the plea of insanity. She was brought hand- cuffed, and half of the hair pulled out of her head. Of course the husband's testimony must be credited, for who could de- sire more to protect a woman than he ? Yes, Mr. Sullivan, the warm-hearted Irishman, showed his regard for his wife in the same manner that Mr. Packard, and many other husbands do, by legally committing her to Dr. McFarland's protection, who, so far as my knowledge extends, has never yet been true to this sacred trust. This quick tempered Irishman had a quarrel with his wife, because she asserted her inalienable right to a pair of new shoes, and he being the stronger of the two in physical force, got her handcuffed, and pulled out the hair from half her head with his own hand, and forced her in here as soon as the " forms of law" could be gone through with. And what could Mrs. Sullivan do in self-defence ? All her representations would be listened to as the ravings of a maniac ! What is her testimony worth after the "forms of law" have been gone through with, proving her insanity? Mrs. Sullivan is legal- ly entered as an insane person, on legal testimony ; and now the Doctor is shielded in doing what he pleases with her, for F 122 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. what is an insane person's testimony- worth ? Nothing. Thus shielded, he applies his instruments of torture to this oppress- ed bleeding heart, for the benevolent purpose of making her willing to return to her husband, and yield unanswering obedience to this martial subjection ! Yes, his benevolent plan is at length achieved, and he soon succeeds in making her so much more wretched and forlorn then before, that her former woes and wrongs sink in to oblivion in comparison, and she begins to cry and beg to go home. " 0, take me back to my children and husband, and I will bless you forever." Now his patient is recovering ! 0, what an astonishing cure 1 "How much that great. Dr. Me Farland knows more than any other man the secret of curing the insane wife !" But the cure must be sure and permanent, before her case is represented as fit for removal. She has not yet performed her share of unrequited labor for the State of Illinois, as its slave ; and if she is a good and efficient workman, there may be weeks, months, years of imprisonment yet before her, ere her cure is complete ! Now the doctor is the only competent one to report her case to her friends or husband. No attend- ant's report can be relied upon, much less the prisoner herself. All communication is cut off, and the slave has naught to do but to work and suffer in silent, mute submis- sion to her prison keepers. She dare not utter a complaint, lest the tortures be again resumed. Her children may sicken and die, but she must know nothing about them. Indeed, she must be dead as to earth life, until her share of slave toil is completed. And if very useful as a slave, she may possibly get the diploma of " hopelessly insane " attached to her name as an offset for these many years of slavery ! And then the friends solace themselves, that the very best means of cure have been used, since none so skillful as the learned Dr. McFarland can be found any where ; and although they deplore the fate of an all wise Providence, yet, to Dr. McFarland their heartfelt gratitude will be most signally due, for the kind, humane treatment he bestowed upon her, by having done all that human ingenuity could devise, to AN HONORABLE ACT. 123 cure her ! A true and faithful picture of many a real case in this Asylum. But how did Mrs. Sullivan's case come out? After a time, the thought of her poor, defenceless, unprotected children, with none but a drunken father to care for them, pressed so fearfully upon her maternal sympathies, that she ventured to plead to go back to them again. But in vain ! No plea can compassionate the heart of her present protector. Her tears, her sighs, her entreaties, her arguments, fall unheeded and apparently unheard upon his ear, for he will not stop to hear a patient's story, however rational or consistent yea, the more rational the more unheeded, apparently. She is then sent to the wash room or ironing room, and sewing room, and compelled to work to drown her sorrow or stifle its utterance. But what if her children do need her services more than the State? "What does Dr. McFarland care for her children, or for the fate of a mother who has been cast off by her hus- band ? Nothing. He cares for his own selfish interests, and nothing else. If to his view his advantage is gained, he will send her home ; if not, he will keep her at work for the State ; for the laws of his own suggesting protect him from all harm, no matter how much he harms the prisoners. After months of faithful labor, he found the tide of the house was setting against him, by keeping this sane woman so long from her family, and when he dared not resist this influence longer, he sent to her husband to take her home ; but he would not come for her. And now comes the honor- able act on the part of the Doctor. He lent her money and sent her home alone. A few days after I ventured to congrat- ulate the Doctor on doing so noble a deed, adding, "If what I have been told was true, you have represented her in the discharge as one who has been falsely represented as insane." This creditable part of the representation he indignantly de- nied, saying, "No, she came here insane, was cured, and sent home." "No, Dr. McFarland, she did not come here insane; she came here an abused woman shamefully abused by a drunk- 124 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. en husband. She needed protection, but not punishment, such as you have bestowed upon her. But no, the ' lords of creation ' must be protected ! or oppressed woman will rise and assert her rights, and man then will fail to keep her down." "What will men do, when this Government protects the married women in their right to themselves? 0, when this great Woman Subjector, Dr. McFarland, is exposed, where will these men sencf their wives to get them "broke in?" 0! where? XXII. Married Women Unprotected. I came here in defence of the same principle that Mrs. Sullivan did, with this difference ; she used her right of self- defence in a different manner from what I did. She used physical force in resisting usurpation ; I did not. I never did, nor never will quarrel with any one. I have followed Christ's direction, " If thy brother smite thee on the one cheek, turn to him the other also." Yes, when my husband, only once however, has ventured in his insane anger to lay violent hands upon me, I have just quietly yielded, saying, while his clenched fist was threatening ma, " Yes, kill me if you desire to, I shall make no resistance my natural life is of too little value to me, to defend it at the risk of injuring you." By thus yielding, his reason was restored to him, and he would not harm me. Mrs. Sullivan pursued a different mode of self-defence, but the issue is just the same in both cases. Our husbands, both succeeded in getting us entered here on the plea of insanity, and 1, although so perfectly harmless in my mode of self- defence, am required to stay three or four times her term of imprisonment ! But,0, for woman's sake I suffer it. I will try to continue to suffer on, patiently and uncomplainingly, confidently hoping that my case will lead community to inves- MARRIED WOMAN UNTROTECTED. 125 tigate for themselves, and see why it is, that so many sane women are thus persecuted at this period of the Christian era. The sad truth that man has fallen from his noble position of woman's protector, and become her subjector, when appre- hended, may lead our Government to give protection to the identity of the married woman, so that she can be as sure oi legal protection, where she does not receive the marital, as if she were single. When, therefore, she needs legal protection from marital usurpation, she can obtain it directly from her Government, as other citizens now can. This period of subjection through which woman is passing, is developing her self-reliant character, by compelling her to defend herself, in order to secure the safety of her own soul. That class of men who wish to rule woman, seem intent on destroying her reason,- to secure her subjection. If they can not really put out this light in her, which so much annoys them, they will credit this work as done, by falsely accusing her of insanity, and when once branded by Dr. McFarlaud'a diploma of " hopelessly insane," they fondly think they can keep her under their feet. And this has actually been done in many instances, by the help of the Illinois Insane Asylum. Instead, therefore, of going to the wash-room to serve the State of my adoption by my labor, I am trying to serve it by writing facts and impressions respecting this Institution, hoping thus to promote the interests of the State more directly, than in any other manner. The evils of this Insti- tution are so momentous and aggravating, that my own private wrongs seem lost, almost, in the aggregate. And besides, the working of this Institution is so carefully covered up. and so artfully concealed from the public eye, that the external world knows nothing of the " hidden life of the prisoner," within. Therefore the journal of an eye witness taken on the spot, is now presented to the public, as the mirror in which' to behold its actual operations. It shall be one of the highest aspirations of my earth-life, to expose these evils for the purpose of rem- edying them. It shall be said of me, " She hath done what she could." 126 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Since the emancipation of the slave, the most unprotected class of American citizens are the wives of such men as claim subjection to be the law of marriage. The subduing husband has it in his power to make his partner the most abject slave in the universe, since the laws protect him in so doing. Since the common law of marriage deprives the married woman of her individual identity, she has therefore no chance, while her husband lives, to defend her inalienable rights from his usurpation. Even her right of self-defence on the plane of argument is denied her, for when she reasons, then she is insane I and if her reasons are wielded potently, and with irresistible logic, she is then exposed to hopeless impris- onment, as the response of her opponent. This is now her legalized penalty for using her own reason in defence of her identity I My husband has not only accepted of my identity as the law gives it to him, but he has also usurped all the minor gifts included in it. The gift from God, which I prize next to that of my personal identity, is my right of maternity, to my right to my own offspring, which he claims is his exclu- sively, by separating me entirely from them, with no ray of hope from him or the law, that I shall ever see them more. This is to me a living death of hopeless bereavement. Bereft of six lovely children by the will of my husband, and no one dare defend this right for me, for the law extends protection to such kidnappers. Yes, any husband can kidnap all of his own children, by forcibly separating them from the mother who bore them, and the laws defend the act ! ! The mother of the illegitimate child is protected by the law, in the right to her own offspring, while the lawfully married wife is not. Thus the only shield maternity has under the laws, is in pros- titution. Again, my property is all shipwrecked, and legally claimed by this usurper. And as I did not hold it in my own name, as tho statute laws now allow, I am, on the principle of com- mon law, legally robbed of every property right. The hus- band does not expose all his rights to usurpation when he MY LIFE IMPEKILLED. 127 marries ; why should he make laws to demand this exposure to his wife and daughter ? Are women in less need of protection than men, simply because they are weaker, and therefore more liable to usurpation ? Nay, verily, the weak- est demand the strongest protection, instead of none at all. 0, when will man look upon woman as his partner, instead of dependent ? 0, I do need the protection of law to shield my rights from my usurper ; but I have none at all, so long as I am a married woman. And Dr. McFarland assures me, too, that so long as I claim my right of opinion and conscience, no church will extend fellowship to me. Therefore, my attempt to follow Christ, in holding myself as a responsible moral agent, rather than an echo or a parasite, has cast me out of the protection of the law, and also out of the pale of the Christian church, if what the Doctor tells me is true. "Well, be it so ; I am determined to ever deserve the love, respect, confidence, and protection of my husband ; and I am equally determined to secure a rightful claim to the fellowship of all Christian churches, by living a life of practical godliness. XXIII. My Life Imperilled. My life is almost daily and hourly endangered. For ex- ample : I was one morning sitting in a side room by myself, for the purpose of enjoying my secret devotions undisturbed, which privilege the matron had kindly granted, as my own dormitory had too many occupants to allow me any opportu- nity of praying in secret, and being compelled, however, by Dr. McFarland's special order, to have the door of this closet wide open, while I occupied it for this purpose, I was com- pelled to submit to any such intruders as might chance to walk in. Miss Jenny Haslett was one of the two maniacs who came in this morning, and seated herself on a low stool 128 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. at my feet. I was always obliged to carry my chair and foot stool with me wherever I sat down, and by this arrangement I had my Asylum writing table, my lap, always with me, and at these times I made my entries into my journal and diary. The other maniac sat on the floor under the window. I quiet- ly read my chapter, while Jenny amused herself playing with the trimming on the front of my dress. I closed my bible, and resting my eyes upon her, reflected upon the sad condi- tion of this human wreck of existence before me. She was a handsome delicate girl of eighteen years, who was made in- sane by disappointed affection, and although generally harm- less, yet at times, liable to sudden frenzies, from causes un- known. I could often hoar her crying in the dead of night for "Willie, 0, my dear Willie ! do, do, come back to me Willie ! Willie ! I do love you !" It may be that I aroused some antagonistic feeling, and disturbed some pleasant reverie of hers, when I bent forward and with my hands parted the short hair which fell over her fine forehead, and then bestowed upon it a gentle kiss of ten- der pity. In an instant the response- came, in a blow from her clenched fist upon my left temple, of such stunning force, that for a moment I was lost to consciousness ; for the blow seemed more like the kick of of a horse, than the hand of a human which inflicted it. My spectacles were thrown across the room by the blow, but I was not thrown from my seat. As soon as I realized what had happened, I returned her fiendish gaze with a look of pity, and exclaimed. " Why Jenny, you have struck me !" 11 Yes, and I am going to knock your brains out !" said she, with furious emphasis, and clenched fists. Without speaking again, I quietly and calmly withdrew in- to the hall, where I found my kind attendant, Miss Minerva Tenny, whose quick perception read the tale, and without my speaking a word, she exclaimed, " 0, Mrs Packard, what a wound you have got upon your temple ! What has hap- pened ?" " Jenny has struck me ; please get me some cold water to bathe it in." "You will need something more than MY LIFE IMPERILLED. 129 water, it is a terrible blow 1 I will go for Dr. Tenny." Af- ter bringing me the water, she went for him, and he, like a ten- der brother, came and pitied me, and while I rested my throb- bing head against his strong manly arm, I wept for joy at the comfort his words of pity brought with them to my forsaken heart. "Dr. Tenny, can you protect my life ?" " Mrs Packard, I would protect you if I could, but, like you, I am a subordinate ; my power is limited." "Will not the state be held responsible for these exposures of my life, to which Dr. McFarland subjects me ? I think this appeal ought to be made." Without answering this question he insisted that he would do all he could to help and protect me. And he did do so. I think Dr. McFarland was restrained by his manly interfer- ence. Still, the citadel of his heart was not reached either by Dr. Tenny's or my own appeals, to remove me to some safer ward ; and never shall I forget the heartless response he made, as he, the next day when, for the first time, he be- held my swollen face and throbbing temples, as I lay in agony upon my bed, from the effects of this injury, after I had told him all the circumstances, how I simply bestowed upon her forehead a loving kiss as the only provocation, he simply remarked, as he turned away " It is no uncommon thing to receive a blow for a kiss !" These were the only words eith- er of sympathy or regret I got from the Doctor, although the wound was then in such a state of great inflammation that Mrs. McFarland expressed herself, "you may consider yourself fortunate, Mrs. Packard, if you do not now lose your eye as the result." For weeks I carried the marks of this blow, by a deep black temple and eyes, so that a stranger would hard- ly have recognized me during this period. But instead of shielding me better after this, he not only let Jenny remain in the ward, but he afterwards brought up Mrs. Triplet, from the Fifth ward, and from this time she, the most dangerous patient in the whole female wards, was seated by my side at the table. I seldom seated myself at the table after this, without hearing the threat from Mrs. Triplet, " I F2 130 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. shall kill you !" And I considered myself very fortunate if I left the table without being spit upon by her, or by having her tea, or coffee, or gravy, or sauce thrown upon my dress. At one time my right hand companion was suddenly aroused to the attitude of self-defence, by having a knife hurled at her temples or eyes, by one of our insane compan- ions opposite. This aroused others to seize their knives and forks and chairs, in self-defence, and there is no knowing what a scene might have ensued, had not our attendants been on hand to confine the infuriated ones. There is no knowing at what instant these scenes may occur, for I have often seen them, without the least apparent provocation, suddenly seize the tumblers, salt-cellars, plates, bowls, and pitchers, and hurl them about in demoniac frenzy, so that the broken glass and china would fly about our face and eyes like hail stones. The defence which maniacs resort to is, rendering evil for evil, abuse for abuse, so that the beginning of a scene among twenty-five or thirty of them is no telling what the end may be. And yet this institution receives such, and puts them all into one room, while the family plead that one is too dan- gerous to trust in a family ! What would they think to have twenty-five in one family? For more than two years has Dr. McFarland imperilled ray life, by compelling me to occupy a ward among this class, not knowing at what moment my life might be taken away, or I receive some distressing injury. Many times have I made the most touching appeals to him to save my life; but even before I could finish my sentence, he would turn and walk indifferently away, without uttering one syllable. Once alone do I find recorded, that he deigned a reply, which was under these circumstances. Lena, a stage actress, who had become insane from a fall through the stage platform, had been dragging me around the ward by the hair of my head, and unless the attendant had been near to aid me, I might not have been able to extricate myself from her grasp at all. Lena had, like Jenny, always seemed pleased to have me notice and caress her, as was my habit MY LIFE IMPERILLED. 131 with them all who would allow it, until this time, when she turned upon me and treated me as I have described. After stating these facts, I added, " Now, Doctor, I think a sane person is more in danger than the maniacs, for they will fight back, while I will not." "Supposing," said he, u a person should enter your room with a loaded pistol and aim it at you, and you had one by you which, by your using first, could save your own life, would you not shoot to save yourself? " "No, Doctor, I would not; because my nature does not prompt me to defend myself in this manner. I have such an instinctive dread of taking the life of another, that I would rather die myself than kill another." "I should, and I think everyone would do the same in self-defence." "I presume you would, and so would most men, for they were made to be the protectors and defenders of the weaker sex, and the man who would not do it in defence of a de- fenceless woman, is less than a man." However, I could not convince the Superintendent that he was under any obligation to defend my life, and unless I had strength and courage enough to defend it myself, I must die; for so far as convincing him that he had any responsibility about the case, it was impossible to make him comprehend it. In view of such facts as these I should not be at all surprised, if, when the thoughts of the heart are revealed, it will then be manifest that he placed my life thus in jeopardy among maniacs, hoping they might kill me ! 1 There is no fathoming the vast depths of his wickedness. I do not be- lieve there i$ anything he could not be induced to do, if he felt that his self-promotion demanded it. His conscience would interpose no barrier to the perpetration of any act of inhumanity which he thought his popularity demanded. 132 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. XXIV. Hope of Dr. McFarland's Repentance. (FKOM MY JOURNAL.) My only hope of Dr. McFarland lies in his repentance. Mrs. Hosmer says, "The Doctor is a villain." I have been free to admit, from what I know of him, that he is a very cruel, unfeeling man. Still, unlike Mrs. Hosmer, I believe in repentance, and my only hope of him lies in this principle. Saul was once a very cruel man, but repentance saved him. And hope is not utterly extinct, that Dr. McFarland may yet, like him, repent. Mrs. Hosmer says she can tell facts of his treatment of patients here, to her knowledge, which would make my flesh creep to hear the recital of. She thinks "as he has been, he still is, and will continue to be." When I bring up proofs of his being different in some respects from what he was before I reproved him, she insists upon it that these are only false appearances, assumed as a disguise to delude me and others into the belief that he has repented. She says the attendants who are humane, are not so owing to the Doctor's influence, but to a principle of humanity within themselves. She says that the Doctor has practiced this strategic policy so long, that he can easily delude and deceive one of as charitable an organization as my own. I admit that this may be the case; still, 1 think there is more hope in making my appeals to his honor, as a handle by which to lead him to repentance, than to make him feel that I expect no good of him. In order to lead him by his honor, I must feel a degree of confidence in the efficiency of this principle, or I shall be acting* a double part myself. I can not make him feel that I have hopes of him, while I have none, without being a hypocrite. I feel that the secret of true love lies in winning rather than in driving the soul to Christ. By patient continuance in well doing, I wait for the bright fruition of the sustaining hope that he will yet repent sincerely; that he will turn from his wickedness and live a different life. I do Ions; to see him "YOU SHOULD RETURN." 133 brought to an acknowledgment of the truth, before I leave this Asylum. I have reason to think his wife is already able to see the fallacy he is trying to sustain in calling me an insane person. She said to me, "you never would have been permitted to enter this institution had we known what we now do." This to my mind is saying, " we do not consider you a fit subject for this institution, on the ground of your being insane, nor have we reason to believe you have been so at home." She told me that Dr. Sturtevant's course towards their minis- ter, Mr. Marshall, had done much to open her eyes to the truth. As much as to say, " if human creeds can so influence one man to trespass upon the rights of another, may they not have influenced Mr. Packard to trespass on the inalienable rights of his wife." I intend Dr. McFarland shall never hereafter have occasion to reproach me for not having warned him, and used all avail- able means to bring him to repentance. He shall have occa- sion to say of me as Belshazzar said of Daniel, when the de- struction cume upon him, of which the faithful prophet warned him "0, Daniel. Daniel, would that I had heeded thy warn- ing before it was too late !" In short, I intend to do my du- ty to Dr. McFarland and leave results with God. XXV. 'You should Return to your Husbaud." One day in my extreme distress I presented the following note to Dr. McFarland. "My Brother in Christ, I am suf- fering a temptation from the powers of darkness to swerve from my purpose of holy obedience to God's revealed will. As a sister in Christ, in deep affliction, I began interest in your prayers that my faith fail not. Your sister, in Christ, E. P. W. P." 134 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. After glancing at it, and reading so far as " to swerve from my purpose of holy obedience," &c, he feelingly inquired, "What do you mean by your temptation?" " I feel only tempted to complain of my lot, and to impa- tiently wish to be delivered out of the power of my persecu- tors. Doctor, I do so want my freedom ! But I am not tempted to desire it at the expense of my conscience, that is, I am not tempted in the least by a desire to return to my husband, nor could any influence tempt me to do this deed, since for me it would be a sin against God to do so." ""Well, to pray for you I want to do for you! what can I do?" " Do right ; by letting me have my liberty to support my- self, as other wives do who cannot live with their husbands." " The only right course for you is to return to your hus- band, and do as a true woman should do ; be to him a true and loving wife, as you promised to be by your marriage vow, unto death, and until you do consent to do so, there is no pros- pect of your getting out of this place ! for until you will give up this insane unreasonable notion of your duty forbidding it, I consider this institution the proper place for yon to spend your days in, for you must be maintained somewhere, by char- ity, if it is not true as you pretend that you have helpers outside who promise you pecuniary aid, but give neither you nor me any guarantee to that effect." " I do not feel that I am an object of charity so long as I have health and abilities to render me self-reliant ; although I know my situation is a very unpleasant one for a woman, reported to be lost to reason, to contend with. For who will desire or employ an insane person as housekeeper, cook, nurse or teacher ; still I could try, and if I did not succeed I could drop into a poor-house, such as tho laws of the state provide for the indigent to die in." " What poor-house ?" " Jacksonville, if I could get no further." " No, you have no claim there." " Manteno, then." "YOU SHOULD RETURN." 135 "No, you are not a woman who can be trusted, for your own conduct here has proved you to be entirely unworthy of trust or confidence. You have abused the trust I have re- posed in you, and betrayed me in every possible way, by mis- representation and abuse. You have proved to me, that you are all that your husband represents you to be, that he is an injured and abused man, and you are a worthless woman, for it is impossible for your husband to be such a man as you rep- resent him to be and sustain the spotless character, as a minister, which he does, and always has." "Don't I know, Doctor, a little more of his private charac- ter, as a husband, than any other one ? and is it not possible for one to assume a false character abroad? Have not the fall of many good men, reported above censure, proved that it is sometimes the case ?" " No, I think it is impossible for your account of him to be a true one, and I regard this institution as the only fit plaoo for you, so long as you are not willing to return to him." "Is it right, here in America to coerce a woman's con- science, compelling her to do what she believes to be wrong? My views of my personal duty is my rule for me, as your views are for you. I regard it as persecuting Christianity thus to treat me, and that the cloak of insanity is the only legalized popular mode of doing it at the present day." " No, Mrs. Packard, you are talking unreasonably, in an insane manner, and all reasonable people will call it so, for you to so represent duty ; and so long as you hold on to these views, there is no hope for a change that I can see." "Now I understand you. Now I am satisfied, for the real- ity, however painful, is far less unbearable than suspense. I now know what Mrs. Hosmer told me is true, although I was loth to believe you were so entirely lost to justice and honor. She said there was no hope of my getting out of this institution so long as you superintended it." " Did Mrs. Hosmer eay so ?" " She did." He then tried to qualify what "he had said. He did not seem to like to have me cherish that view exactly, 136 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. but how he meant to qualify it I could not understand. I know that the utterance of simple unqualified truth is the hardest language which can be employed. But on this simple weapon of naked truth I intend to rely for my own defence arid protection. The world may credit or discredit my statements, just as they please ; my responsi- bility is done with the utterance of it. The superintendence of another's conscience is not my work. God forbid that I ever put forth my hand, Uzza like, to steady the conscience of another, since I know that God alone claims the right to protect his own sacred ark. I intend no man or woman shall ever steady my own. This is God's exclusive work. XXVI. Uncared For. (FROM MY JOURNAL.) I have been in bed for a few days to rest my brain by sleep and sitz-baths. The means have been blessed and I am bet- ter. Forab<5ut two weeks I have been afflicted with a head- ache most of the time. This is something new for me. I scarcely ever had a headache in all my life. Indeed I hardly know what pain of body is, I am so blessed with such sound and vigorous health. But when the doctor told' me I must return to my husband or die here, it cost me a mental struggle which has prostrated me upon this sick bed. It is these spir- itual wrongs which cause woman so much feeble health, and break down the strongest constitution. Knowing this, I must try to fortify nature in every possible manner within my reach, so that the citadel of my health need not suffer detriment ; for if that should fail, I fear my courage would fail with it. The degree of faith, trust and confidence I am able to sum- mon into this field of action depends much upon the healthful vigor and nervous energy I can command. Therefore to keep my faith strong, I must keep my health good. UNCARED FOB. 137 But 0, the spiritual pangs Dr. McFarland causes me to endure ! it does seem that soul and body must be severed by them. Were it not for the "balm of Gilead and the physi- cian" there, I must have laid down my life ere this, if agony of soul could extinguish it. It does seem to me that I am experiencing what my Savior felt when he cried, "If it be possible let this cup pass from me ; nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou wilt." I feel that I am alone in the gar- den of Gethsemane, watching, praying and longing for human sympathy in vain to come to my help. But ah ! they sleep I Could none, not even one friend come to rescue me out of the hands of my enemies? No, none. "No man careth for my soul." I must, single-handed and alone, contend for the truth in defending the rights of suffering humanity. But I can do it. God has not sent me into this field to fight alone; no, God and angels are my body-guard and helpers. I will fear no evil, for with such helpers, I am invincible to attacks. Although my physical strength does suffer, yet the means are being blessed, so that the congestion of the brain which I feared would cause my death, is now warded off, and I can hope that my strength will be equal to sustain the ponderous burdens my soul has to bear from the injustice of others. I am carried in triumph safely through such perils, and I now feel quite confident that my life will not be given as a prey to my enemies. I expect to achieve a complete victory over my sagacious foes. And although Dr. McFarland has kept me nine weary months already, to gratify the wishes of a wicked conspiracy ; and although my heart is suffering, and I see no prospect of ever getting out of this prison, yet I fear not to act the true woman, and simply, quietly wait in pa- tience, future developments. But 0, my Savior, I must tell thee all. I do so long to be with my dear children, that I do want to hasten the day of my deliverance, by working hard, and so getting my work done the sooner. I do not wish to shirk any duty ; but on the contrary, I want to do all my appointed work here well, and then go to rest with my children, taking thy blessing 138 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. with me. For even my children will be to me no blessing if secured at the sacrifice of thy favor and smiles. I only want God-given blessings, bestowed in God's own way and time ; and to secure these I am only required to do right and suffer right. While encountering Pharaoh's hardness of heart in Dr. McFarland, I must, like Moses, meekly suffer, until God de- livers me out of his cruel influence. I believe the time has come when this hard hearted man must be punished for his iniquities. For a long time he has sustained the responsibil- ities of his position with honors not deserved. He has for a long time been trying to cover up the barbarities of his treat- ment of the prisoners, and has succeeded in making it appear otherwise. He has so deluded the minds of the Trustees and Legislature, by his sophistry and deep, cunning artifice, as to secure such laws as protect him in doing his nefarious work thus long undetected and unmolested. But the "searcher of hearts" can not be deceived or de- luded. He can not be controlled by misrepresentations and a covert of lies. Lo ! God, himself, by his providence, is to bring him to justice ; for after his long forbearance towards him, by giving him opportunities and space for repentance, he persists in clinging to his sins, instead of repenting of them. And now, Pharaoh like, he has sinned away his day of grace, so that repentance can not now be accepted and pardon secured ; but on the contrary, he must suffer the pun- ishment due for his transgressions. The curse which his own conduct has secured, must come upon him, and no human power can prevent it. I do believe Dr. McFarland is now, like Pharaoh, undergoing that hardening of heart process which God calls his work ; that is, God will not let him re- perrt until he has been punished. In other words, justice, stern justice, has taken the place which mercy before occu- pied. And when God hardens the heart, no man can soften it. Inevitable destruction invariably follows God's hardening process. I do not now expect to get out of this prison by Dr. SELF-DEFENCE. 139 McFarland's free agencj, but only in opposition to it. A stronger than he must first take this Insane palace, and then the choice goods of his own manufacture will be in peace and safety. 0, my God, hasten that day, for thine Israel, thy chosen ones, languish and mourn, deeply mourn their pres- ent unholy, wretched condition ! I told Dr. Sturtevant the truth yesterday, when I said, " Some of the choicest spirits in the universe are here, suffering persecution, under the mask of hypocrisy, and the Superintendent here is cruelly unjust to us." "Then be comforted," said he, "by the fact that 'there is nothing covered that shall not be revealed, or hid, that shall not be known,' and justice will, in God's own time, be sure to come to each, and every one." Dr. Sturtevant, our chaplain, does bring to us many heavenly messages, which have been to me a great source of comfort and consolation ; my fainting spirit has often been revived, and my faith and hope strength- ened by his ministrations. This hardening process of the heart, such as God claims as his work, is only the developing of the real character, which character we had previously acquired by our own voluntary acts, while we had the liberty to choose for ourselves either the good or evil. But when we have reached a certain point, the ability to choose the good is supplanted, or, for a time, entirely taken from us, so that we can then only choose evil. God is then in his way hardening the heart. XXVII. Self-defence. Clandestine letters. The oppressor's guilt renders him peculiarly sensitive to any action on the part of the injured one, by way of self-defence. Therefore, in order to practice this duty, we are always com- pelled to use what some would regard as unjustifiable means. And yet, in exchange of circumstances, these complainera 140 THE PEISONEK'S HIDDEN LIFE. would feel no scruples in doing the same thing of which they complain. Here I am literally entombed alive by fraudulent means, for a wicked purpose. The walls of my sepulcher are the walls of this Asylum. I am allowed no communication with the outside world. No one inside these walls can aid me in doing so, without proving recreant to his trust as an employee. And no visitor is allowed to take out a letter from a patient in a public institution, without the Superintendent's knowledge or consent. Now what shall 1 do? Shall I quietly submit to these unjust laws, framed for the very purpose of perpetuating an absolute despotism? I am a law defender ; I do not like to be a law breaker, and God is never compelled to violate law to bring about His purposes, neither does he allow us to trans- gress any moral or natural law, to accomplish our purposes, however desirable. When we see no way of getting out of a sad dilemma, except that of wrong doing, we are directed to " Wait, wait on the Lord," that is, wait until Providence opens a way for us. Like the traveller, in pursuing his on- ward course, coming in contact with the moving train, has nothing to do but to stop and wait until it passes by ; thus Providence clears his track, without any law being broken. Therefore, however desirable it may seem to me, to be free to care for. and communicate with my precious children, yet, although this vision tarries long, I must wait until the train, however long, passes by, before I can possibly behold this prospect. Again, I must not murmur nor complain, although 1 am most keenly sensitive to the humiliation of my circumstances. But I will not bow down to wickedness. I do, and act, as well as I know how, and will continue to do so, knowing that impossibilities are not required of me by my righteous Judge, for I know that every good act is an investment in the bank of faith, and its dividends never fall short. I believe too, that God requires me not only to pray that wrong doing bo stopped, but also to act in concert with this prayer, and the SELF-DEFENCE. 14:1 wrong doing, which it is my duty to stop, are the sins against myself. I must begin at home, for lean never defend others until I can defend myself ; for how can a mother defend her children, unless she can defend herself? I must defend myself not only for their sake, but also for the sake of society where I belong. 1 have already tried the force of argument, reason, and entreaty, to induce Dr. McFarland to allow me some chance at self-defence, but all in vain. I can not get his con- sent in this matter, therefore, the act being right in itself, and a duty also, I must act not only without his consent, but without his knowledge. Therefore, under the circumstances, a clandestine act of self-defence is not a sinful act because of its secresy. But who shall I apply to, and how ? are the next questions to be settled. I will first appeal to the Trustees, as they are the power to whom my earthly destiny is now committed, and they have the first right to superintend Dr. McFarland's ac- tions, in regard to the prisoners under his charge ; and I feel morally bound to try to get the Trustees to compel their Su- perintendent to act justly towards me. Under the influence of such feelings I wrote the following letter to the Trustees, on a piece of tissue paper, which, when folded compactly, occupied a space no larger than a silver quarter. I knew they were to hold a session at the Asylum in March next, 1861, and it was to be my business to get this letter to them at this meeting. But here was the difficulty. Since, hiding me amongst the maniacs the Doctor had evinced a peculiar sensitiveness at my being seen there, which was never manifested while I was an occupant of the Seventh ward. And he had even led the Trustees past this ward, with- out even allowing them to enter it, since he had consigned me to it. Now how could I give them my letter, either openly or secretly ? No employee would do it for me, lest Dr. McFar- land's displeasure be incurred, and then of course, a "discharge" awaited them. Still, watching and praying constantly, while they were in the house, I carried my little note in my pocket, hoping by some good fortune, I might yet get it into their hands. 142 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. At length my name was announced as wanted in the dining room. I gladly responded to the call, where I found Mrs. Mc- Farland and Mrs. Miner waiting to receive me to hold an in- terview with me. Finding it too dangerous to take my call- ers into the hall which I now occupied, I was then allowed the exposure of my own life to be suspended long enough to entertain them in the dining-room. Happy beyond measure to find myself in the presence of a trustee's wife, my whole men- tal powers were centered upon knowing how to employ her as the confidential medium of my letter to the Trustees. But the fact was self-evident to me, that Mrs. McFarland had come as a spy upon me, lest I should, in some manner, either by word or look or letter, communicate to her some intimation of the injustice I was experiencing at her husband's hands. And so complete was the espionage she exercised, that I be- gan to fear that this hope must expire in its bud. When they arose to leave, and as Mrs. McFarland's back was towards us as she opened the diningroom door, I watched my chance and buried this little note in the palm of Mrs Miner's hand, and closing her hand upon it, I gave it a significant pressure, as much as to say, " don't betray me, but do your duty ;" and at the same time kissing her, so that the transfer seemed a per- fect and satisfactory success ; that is, I fe/.t sure she under- stood my meaning, and was willing to aid me in doing any- thing right and consistent. Of course, she could and would read the open note before assuming any farther responsibility. And from the impression I received of her feelings, I was sat- isfied that she would do right about it. But whether I then misjudged her, 'Jean not tell, or whether her husband kept the letter himself, or communicated it to the Trustees, I know not But this I do know, I never heard from the note, or from its influence. That seed, though thus buried for seven long years, now rises to a tangible influence, and by its mute appeal to the law-makers who read this letter, it may lead them to see the necessity of demanding fidelity in their public officers, to whom they have entrusted the sacred right of their personal liberty. SELF-DEFENCE. 143 To the Trustees of Jacksonville Insane Asylum, in session at their March meeting, 1861. GENTLEMEN: Can I hope to get any help from you? Are you ministers of justice ? Can the cry of the needy and afflicted find in you any response ? Why, 0, why is it that oppressed woman can not find in man a natural protector ? 0, the model man could not turn speechless away when op- pressed innocence cried for help. 0, will you, like Dr. McFarland, turn a deaf ear to my prayer ? Can you hope to be heard when you call in your time of need, if you will ? Gentlemen, here under your inspection, a faithful, kind, Christian mother, and an Illinois citizen, has been imprisoned nearly nine months for simply exercising her God-given rights of opinion and conscience ; and this, too, in only a ladylike and Christian manner. Nothing else ! Now, can you be guiltless and let this persecution go on under your jurisdiction? Do remember, and be warned by God's unchangeable law, viz: " "With what measure ye mete withal, it shall be measured to you again." Do be merciful to me that God may be merciful to you. Do allow me to live a natural life in America, so long as my own actions allow me a claim to my own freedom. Do deliver me out of the hands of Dr. McFarland, for he has claimed to be better than God to me, in that he says to me that his judgment is a safer guide for me than my own conscience ! I 0, horrible ! And yet I am in the absolute power of such a man. Do, I beg of you, deliver me from this fear of evil ! Do but give me the oppor- tunity, and I will give you my pledge, if necessary, that America need no longer be burdened with me, as a citizen, than until I can get under the protection of the English crown, where I can hope to enjoy my rights of opinion and conscience unmolested. O, America ! My country, when will you erase the stigma you now carry, of having imprisoned an innocent, unprotect- ed minister's wife, for simply obeying God, by trying to live a life of practical godliness? Shall a woman of America, when she consents to become a wife, and to her sorrow finds that the man whom she chose to be her protector, has instead, 144 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. become the subjector of her womanly rights, be compelled to leave her offspring motherless, and be entombed alive, in an Insane Asylum, simply because there is no power in the laws of the land to protect her against the despotic will of her husband? 0, when will my countrymen fear God, more than they do the oppressor ? Gentlemen, action, investigation, is demanded of you, by this appeal, in order that your souls be found guiltless in this matter. Dare to do your duty, and God will bless you. Your suffering sister, E. P. "W. PACKAKD. After receiving the above letter, I think a failure to inves- tigate into the merits of the case was in itself a criminal act. Ignorance of the state of my mental faculties could no longer shield them, for the letter contains a sufficient degree of intel- ligence to arouse an investigation to see if what I claimed was true or false. But merely " doing not, 1 ' 1 did not extenuate their guilt, for the perpetuating of a wrong. It enhanced it; for the postponement of a difficult crisis only renders a settle- ment more difficult, and the evil consequences more inevitable and unavoidably certain. Guilt was daily accumulating by each added day of most wearisome imprisonment, and that tender babe was being thus deprived of its right to its mother's care, and that little flock of tender lambs were daily and hourly in suffering need of a mother's care and sympathy. Yes, the quicker the settlement, the easier and the better, both for them and the injured victims of this most cruel conspiracy. Now, they can not clear themselves of guilt, if, Pilate like, they do try to throw the responsibility off them- selves upon Dr. McFarland. For they know that for his act they will be held justly responsible, in the same sense that the Superintendent is held responsible for the acts of his em- ployees. For my aggravated and enhanced sufferings from this time, I hold the Trustees responsible ; for it seemed that the Doctor's story was heeded" and mine rejected, thus dele- gating an increased power to the Doctor to abuse me, just as his upholding Lizzy Bonner in her barbarities, only enhanced her power to harm still more. Indeed I suffered so much from his tyranny, for nine months t SELF-DEFENCE. 145 from this time, that even the sight of the man, or the sound or sight of his name, was instinctively and inseparably associ- ated with horror in my mind. But the details of this period of purgatorial mental anguish, as I find it delineated in my journal, it will be impossible for me to give within the limits of this volume. I did propose when I projected the plan of this book, to give the history of these wrongs in detail to the world ; but I shrink from the task. The record of the ada- mantine pen God himself will give in his own way and time in complete detail. This record can never be obliterated, ex- cept by repentance on Dr. McFarland's part for the wrongs I have suffered at his hands. I am determined, by God's help, now to write my own history in chapters indelible and inde- structable in my own honest deeds. The following letter to Dr. Shirley, of Jacksonville, written during these days of anguish, on sjome cloth, or tissue tea- paper which I obtained from the sewing-room, I handed to Dr. Sturtevant after chapel service in a manner similiar to what I did with my note to Mrs. Miner, except that I confined my salutation to a shake of his hand as I slipped the note into it. But I am sorry to say I have more reason^to think he betrayed me to the Doctor, than I have that Mrs. Miner did, for the Doctor told me himself that he had destroyed a ''worthless letter" Dr. Sturtevant had given him from me, I doubt not but he spoke a truth in making that confession to me, and I think it was uttered under the influence of an exultant feel- ing which said, " So you see, Mrs. Packard, I can head you anywhere ! you are my helpless victim." "Never mind, Dr. McFarland, you did then hold me, and the letter too, in your power, but now I hold that letter in my power, to publish to the world, that my readers may see in what its " worthlessness " consisted ; and I hold now myself and you too, where the verdict of public sentiment will com- pel us both to stand just where our own actions will place us." And Dr. Shirley can also see in what estimation I then held him. This opinion I based upon an interview I held with him in the Doctor's parlor, in company with Mr. and Mrs. Jlessing, and as I was personally acquainted with no other 146 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. man in Jacksonville, I of course made application to him as a dernier resort. INSANE ASYLUM, March 20, 1861. DB. SHIRLEY Kind Sir: Constrained by the law of self- preservation, I feel compelled to make an appeal to your humanity for help. Yes, help for me, a helpless victim of severe persecution. I am sick, and need some human helper, for on the side of my oppressors there is power ; yes, power to harm, too, yet I have no protection save Omnipotence. My heart turns instinctively to you, kind Sir, hoping and trusting that the God-like principle of manhood has not become extinct in you, and therefore, I have a foundation on which to make my appeal. Dr. Shirley, I am indeed an injured woman, and my case ought to arouse and command an investigation ; at least, so far as to grant me some kind of trial, before perpetuating my imprisonment any longer. Can you not do. something to se- cure me one? I do beg and entreat, with all the power of woman's eloquence, that you do deliver me out of Dr. McFar- land's hands. He is my oppressor, my unjust and cruel per- secutor. He claims that "his judgment is a safer guide for me than my conscience." These are his own words; and I am in the absolute power of such a man. What protection have I under a man who ignores the conscience of his victim? Do deliver me from this fear of evil, and my soul shall bless you forever. And I have given this usurper my written pledge, that I shall expose him to the world whenever I get out, unless he repents of his inhumanities to the patients. And he knows, too, that; I am a truthful woman, and can never break this pledge. Ask wisdom do your duty and do not yield to the tempta- tion to fear to cope with the great Dr. McFarland in defence of the injured. Omnipotence will shield you in doing your duty. My heart is full, but my means of communication are entirely cut off, so far as the Doctor can prevent it. If pos- sible, come to me, and I will tell you what I can not, and MISS MARY TOMLIN. 147 dare not write. 0, do let a God-fearing humanity, not a man- fearing despotism, control your actions, and I trust heaven will protect you. In the name of justice, humanity, and of the State, I have requested a meeting of the Trustees on my account ; but Dr. McFarland's reply leaves me nothing to hope for in that di- rection. Still, duties are mine, and events God's. I know my life is worth preserving, for the sake of my six children, if for no other purpose, and "For me to live is Christ, and to die, gain." Still all lawful means I feel bound to use, to pre- serve life, and then I can say, God's will be done. Your humble, earnest petitioner, E. P. W. PACKARD. XXVIII. Miss Mary Tomlin. A Model 'Attendant. I never saw Miss Mary Tomlin abuse a patient, and she was my attendant for nearly one year. She, unlike most attendants, did not seem to become calous and indifferent towards them, because she would not allow herself to do the first unkind act. It is very noticeable here that the beginning of wrong doing is like^the letting out of water, over the edge of a fountain. When the first few drops have trickled over, there is apt to be a few more, and a few more, until a deep and broad channel is soon formed through which the waters of human kindness are allowed to pass into a state of exhaustless annihilation. When this groove was once made, it was never closed up un- der the Asylum influence. The only security an employee or boarder could have of maintaining their integrity, lay in their not doing the first wrong act. This was the secret of her triumph over the contagion of that most corrupt house. She was entered in my ward, and although initiated under our most unexemplary attendant, Mrs. De Lallay, she seemed to have moral courage enough to allow her own principles instead of Mrs. DeLaHay's to control her. 148 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Miss Tomlin exercised the utmost forbearance and kind en- durance of the patient's weakness and frailties, such as I think was never surpassed by any attendant. She may justly be called a model attendant, so far as the treatment of the patients was concerned". Should Asylums secure such, and only such attendants, they might justly be called Asylums. I never feared for the fate of a patient when Miss Tomlin was in sight ; even . Miss Bonner's fierce spirit seemed subdued into temper- ate rage by her silent, gentle, but unresistable magnetism of kindness and tenderness. I recollect once how I pitied her when she called me to see the condition of Miss Sallie'Low, a filthy patient, occupying a screen-room at the time, while pass- ing through one of her " spells" of excessive fury, where she had divested herself of all her clothing, and was standing naked when I saw her, with her hands both raised, with all her fingers spread, with her mouth wide open in laughter, and her large black eyes showing the white on the upper side in wildness, her short, heavy, curly black hair standing all about her head in bristles, from the salve with which she had an- ointed both it and herself completely over, so that her flesh was about the color of a monkey. Besides, she had written, her marks upon the wall, as high as her fingers could reach. My kind attendant instead of being angry at her exulting pa- tient, in view of the labor she had caused in cleaning her and lier room, only laughed in return, as she exclaimed, " did you ever see a human being so much resemble a monkey !" With the help of another attendant she took her to the bath-room, and after patiently soaking her for a while in the bath-tub of warm water, she finally cleaned and dressed her, and intro- duced her into our dormitory as a woman who deserved our pity, instead of our censure, for " she is not to blame for caus- ing me this trouble, and this is what I came here to do, to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves." Even her bath was administered in such a gentle manner that Miss Low, instead of offering resistance, enjoyed the fun first- rate, and came from it refreshed and invigorated, instead of being exhausted from death struggles such as Miss Bonner and such like attendants administered. MISS MARY TOMLIN. 149 It does seem as if the State ought to attach a penalty to this perversion of the bath tub in this prison house. Only let the law-makers take but one bath here, under the hands of these furies, and I think they would vote for some penalty to their tormentors. But were all the attendants as God-fearing as Miss Tomlin and Miss Minerva Tenny, this abuse would never be practiced. Such attendants would not misuse a patient if they were re- quired to do it, for they fear God more than they do man. Miss Tomlin told me of an act of her's this morning, which reflects much credit upon her moral courage and integrity. The Doctor ordered Miss Goodrich from off her bed, Sunday morning, as he passed through, and Miss Tomlin ordered her back again, when he had passed out of hearing; for she felt that she knew better than he did what her health demanded. She said she had concluded to pursue this independent course, without talking much about it, hoping thus to evade the rule without opposition; when she was complained of^she said, she would then give her reasons, and she thought any intelli- gent person would be satisfied with intelligent reasons. I assured her this was the right course ; still, I was sure it would awaken decided opposition, for the more reasonable, the more virulent the opposition it would arouse. And so it proved. Instead of promoting her, as she deserved to be, they willingly allowed her to resign her trusts to others far less fitted to honor them. And in defence of this course, I heard one of the authorities say. "Miss Tomlin is insane, in some respects, like Mrs. Packard!" Her insanity, like my own-, consisted in her immovable defence of the principles of uniform kindness to the unfortunate. Another most kind and faithful employee, Mrs. Hosmer, was accused of this same charge of insanity, for the same reason. Indeed, one of these authorities remarked, "If we could but get Mrs. Hosmer into the wards as a patient, we would treat her as we do the maniacs!" This is doubtless true, for her persistent regard for the patients' interests, was a constant reproof to their own indifference, and aroused the 150 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. same antagonistic feelings towards her, which my course has elicited towards me; and the position of a patient here affords a noble opportunity for seeking their revenge in full measure. I will close this chapter by inserting here a beautiful para- phrase on a passage in Psalms, which Miss Tomlin wrote herself, and handed me for my solace. " I shall be satisfied when I awake in thy likeness." In this dreary vale of sorrow, Oft my heart is sick and sore, "Waiting for a brighter morrow, Waiting, waiting evermore. Hope deferred my heart is breaking, And I long to be at rest Aye I the sleep that knows no waking, Would be welcome to this breast. Did I say " that knows no waking ?" Nay, I would not have it so, Better far to bear this aching, Than to sleep forevermore. But I would awake like Jesus Like unto the crucified When I'm fashioned in His image. Then shall I be satisfied. Affectionately your friend, M. TOMLIW. XXIX. Mrs. McFarland The Matron. It is due Mrs. McFarland that I say, that after I gave my written reproof to her husband, she seemed to be induced by its influence, to see the debased condition the prisoners were in, and expressed this feeling in these words: "Mrs. Packard, I never realized, until I read your Reproof, what a condition we were in. It has led me to determine to do what I can to reform some of the many evils which I can now see do exist here. We had so insensibly sunk into this condition, that we MES. MCFARLAND. 151 did not realize it until you showed it to us in jour Reproof." To Mrs. McFarland's credit it should be .stated, that she did try to alleviate the dreadful condition of the patients as much as it was possible for her to do. After Mrs. Waldo left, she became matron, and she filled this office as well as she was capacitated to do. Her kind and generous sympathies rendered her a general favorite amongst the patients, and atoned greatly for the undeveloped woman in some other respects. She sympathized with me in many ways, and tried to favor me, even in defiance of her husband's known wishes to the contrary. One day the Doctor found a carpet upon my floor, and as he stood upon the threshold of my room, looking at it for the first time, he exclaimed, ""Who has been putting a carpet on Mrs. Packard's room? " My attendant, Miss Tom- lin, standing by, replied in her very mild tone, "I believe it is your wife's work." He said nothing more, but the carpet remained on the floor until I left. And it was her influence among others, which let me have a room by myself, after one year's confinement to the dormitory. I sent a written request to the Doctor to let me have a wash bowl and pitcher, but he did not notice it so much as to refuse it. But Mrs. McFar- land contrived to get me one, and gave me, also, a nice curtain to my window, and gave me a chair, too, for my room, a great, but rare privilege in the Eighth ward. There was one time that the Doctor tried to so torment my feelings, that I felt that self-defence required me to withdraw all communication of thought with him, to save my feelings. Therefore, for months, I would not speak to him, not even so much as answer the most common question. Mrs. McFarland approved of this course, by saying to me, " "Well, Mrs. Pack- ard, I would not speak to him if I were in your place. If a man treated me as he has you, I would let him "alone." And she told my attendants not to treat me as they did the other patients. I will here give an extract from a letter I wrote her about April 30, 1862 ; " Mrs. McFarland, I have almost unbounded 152 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. confidence in your womanly nature ; I believe its instincts are a safe guide in dictating your duty so far as it goes ; yet, I do not regard your judgment as so mature, that experience may not improve it. Will you therefore allow me to make a suggestion, when I assure you it is made with the purest mo- tives, and the kindest feelings of my nature. I am prompted to do this, from the assurance I feel that you will allow the suggestion all the influence which truth, reason and common sense, urge in support of it." etc. With regard to the suggestion I then made, together with many others, I will only say that, Mrs. McFarland almost always regarded them, and did often consult me, as her coun- sellor, in her family matters, as well as the interest of the in- stitution. The reform thus inaugurated, through her agency, led to the expression often made during these better days of prison life, " this house is a paradise compared with what it has been." Dr. McFarland seemed to be the last and the hardest one to move in this direction ; but satisfied he could not stop the wheel of revolution by opposing it, he after a while, allowed himself to simply hang as a dead weight upon it, until the aristocratic ladies from Jacksonville insulted and ridiculed me in my room, when all at once a new spirit seemed to hold him, for a time, to be our co-worker, instead of an antagonist. This incident will appear in its proper place. There seemed to be something in his wife's increasing popularity which con- vinced him that it would not be policy to oppose her openly, for if he did, she told me she should do as I had done, "ap- peal to the Trustees" to sustain her ! Finally, from the in- fluence of the outside pressure in favor of reform, the Doctor himself thanked me for giving him the reproof, and freely ac- knowledged that I intended it for his good. Through Mrs. McFarland, as the focalizing agent of this re- form, the tide of popular influence seemed to undergo an en- tire change. Instead of its being popular to abuse the pris- oners, it became more popular to treat thorn with respect and MRS; MCFARLAND. 153 even kindness. And finally, by a change of some bad attend- ants for good ones, I began to feel that the evils were becom- ing greatly lessened. And so it did appear for awhile. But I was everywhere told, " there will be a relapse if you ever leave this house, for the Doctor is afraid of you, as the only reason why he is making this spasmodic attempt to co-oper- ate with his wife." From the Committee's report, and that of my personal friends I left in the Asylum, I have too much rea- son to fear that so it proved. My friends have assured me me that the " reign of terror" commenced anew when I left, so that abuse and cruelty again became the rule of the house, to a greater degree even than ever before. Now I am fully convinced that this temporary reform, so far as Dr. McFarland was concerned, was merely the effect of policy, rather than principle that he assumed this appear- ance merely to satisfy me he had repented, so that I might be induced to represent him to the public as worthy of confi- dence, on that ground ; for he knew full well, that my con- science would not allow me to expose a penitent man's sins, however great the magnitude of his previous guilt. I find therefore, in my journal, from the time I began to hope he was treating the patients on the principles of justice, I have been exceedingly careful not to "Break the bruised reed, or quench the smoking flax ;" that is, I encouraged every hope- ful manifestation to the highest, and fullest extent consistency and truth would permit. Many blamed me on this ground, that I was too charitable to the poor sinner; but dictated as I was by the promptings of my own forgiving nature, I was thus inclined to cover more sins with this mantle of charity, than some would have thought proper or allowable. I never can find it in my heart to blame, where there is the least possible chance for encouragement. I aim to "Overcome evil with good," instead of attacking evil with evil, where there is any possible opportunity of doing so. But there are cases where it is a mercy to be just to the sinner. Nothing but ruin will save them from ruin: that is, they never will repent until they are first punished; and the G2 154 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. just punishment, which I tried so long and effectually to have him ward off, was the public exposure of his hidden iniquities. But persistency in his sins, has forced me to do, what for a time, I hoped I could be excused from doing. XXX. Guilty Husbands. It was sometime in March, 1862, that I entered a kind of protest, against this house being used to shield guilty hus- bands, in the following letter to Dr. Tenny. DR. TENNY Sir: Do bear with me while I give you my thoughts upon a subject you may prudishly feel I have no right to think, much less to speak or write about ; but where woman is suffering injustice, I claim a right to speak in her defence. I see Mrs. McKellum is returned. I can assure you, Dr. Tenny, that as true as Phrenology and Physiology can not lie, here is another case of abuse, where the innocent is pun- ished, instead of the guilty. It is her husband who ought to be imprisoned instead of her, in a penitentiary, and there kept until he will subject his passions to the control of his reason. He never ought to see a woman, until his reason is restored to him, so that he can treat her as a woman, not as a brute. Dr. Tenny, these men, calling themselves husbands, de- grade the very name itself. Science and revelation, both foretell their doom. Judge "Wood has caused the ruination of his lovely wife. Had justice been done him as it should have been, he would have been consigned to a penitentiary for having brought her here the first time, when she was not in the least insane. Had justice, instead of wickedness tri- umphed, Mrs. Wood's little flock would not now have been motherless. Because sentence against the wrong doer was not speedily executed, this innocent, defenceless wife and GUILTY HUSBANDS. 155 mother was returned to this Asylum, insane, to die a maniac, because her husband would not protect her, but tortured her into insanity, and that too, when she was in a condition to need the tendercst indulgence ! As soon as the husband at- tempts to subject his wife as he would a child, that moment nature, in woman, revolts, and feels that her obligations to that man, are henceforth, forever sundered. He has perjured his vow of protection, and her devotion to him is annihilated with the subjection. Dr. Tenny, the day is not far distant when these unnatural men will meet their recompense. In the mean time, " Offen- ces will come, but woe be to him by whom they come," and woe too, to those who compromise with these vile deeds, as this Institution is doing in shielding these women captors. That I may wash my hands in innocency, I shall lift up my voice, and protest openly against these guilty husbands. Yours as ever, E. P. W. P. There is great occasion for alluding to the evil designated in the above letter to Dr. Tenny. For the public should know the fact, that selfish men who hold money and position in society, do use this house for a protection of their own guilt; and their public servant, Dr. McFarland, knowingly allows it to be thus perverted from the charitable design of its founders. Even the law of 1865, which was humanely designed to hedge up the door against this unjust incarcera- tion of married women, has been most arrogantly and wantonly disregarded by this public servant ; and his acts seem to say, " This house shall be used as a place where vile men can subject their wives to the dictates of their base passions!" And woman, oppressed and degraded as she was, found no refuge even under this law, until the gallantry of the Legis- lature of 1867 attached a penalty to it, thus demanding its enforcement. This statement is corroborated, as my others are, by the Investigating Committee's Report. This Committee appointed by the Legislature, were instructed to see that this law was strictly enforced, hoping in this way to liberate these unhappy 156 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. victims of marital cruelty, and to effectually guard, henceforth, against these unjust, false and cruel imprisonments. This Committee, composed of Hon. Allen C. Fuller, Hon. E. Baldwin, Hon. T. B. "Wakeman, Hon. A. J. Hunter, Hon. John B. Ricks, after a most thorough investigation of the records of the Institution, reported that they found one hun- dred and forty-eight had been admitted by Dr. McFarland, since the law of 1865 was passed, including a period of about two years, "without the proper legal evidence of their insanity, and the security required by law." Just consider, for a mo- ment, the terrible inferential fact herein involved ! If one hundred and forty-eight are found" entered during about two years' time, without legal evidence of insanity, in defiance of an existing law which requires such evidence, what number may we conclude were admitted during the fourteen previous years, withoid any evidence of insanity, with a law expressly allowing this to be done? Has not Illinois a terrible account to settle with her married women, who have sufferered so much from her unjust law for the sixteen years of its enforcement? The honor of the State of Illinois demands restitution for the en- forcement of this, not only most ungallant and unmanly, but even barbarous law against the married women of her State. Now if Illinois should dare to become the pioneer State in the emancipation of her married women from their slavish position of nonentity, she might, by so doing, not only erase this dishonorable stain upon her history, but also immortalize herself in thus securing her right to then be, what she now professes to be, a freedom loving State. Again, in view of such facts, it well becomes every voter of the State to inquire, whose personal liberty, personal rights are safe in Illinois, while such an unmanly and unprincipled man as Dr. McFarland holds the key of this great prison house ? This public officer has so long been in the habit of overriding and disregarding all law, both human and divine, in the treat- ment of his prisoners, that he has schooled himself to feel that he is the Institution over which "my policy" is the su- preme and only law ; in the same sense that some allege THE SANE KEPT. 157 that President Johnson seems to act as though he was the United States, and "my policy" is the Constitution! Thus it is evident that false imprisonment in Jacksonville Insane Asylum, was the dreadful doom which overhung every citizen of Illinois, until their Legislature of 1867 attached a penalty of fine or imprisonment, or both, to the Superinten- dent who should hereafter receive any inmate without legal evidence of insanity. Indeed, confident as I was, that this public servant was constantly admitting inmates, regardless of even the "forms of law," I could not find it in my heart to suffer this awful doom thus to overhang the wives and daughters of Illinois, without doing what I could to avert it. And I thank God, the effort has proved a complete success; so that now, no guilty husband of Illinois can longer hide his sins against the wife of his bosom behind the "dead locks" of Jacksonville Insane Asylum. XXXI. The Sane kept for the Doctor's Benefit. The remark Miss C. L. English, a good attendant, from Chandlerville, Cass Co., 111., made, conveys an important truth which the taxpayers ought to know viz. " It is plain- ly to be seen, the Doctor keeps sane people here from choice, to serve his private interests, knowing that the unrequited labor he gets out of them he can turn to his aggrandizement in his report of the finances of the institution." Yes, all this slave labor turns to his advantage as he reports it, thus buy- ing their patronage, as it were, to secure his salary. This salary is thus earned for him by his slaves. His own action, or rather his inaction, shows that he is almost totally indiffer- ent to the interests of his prisoners, only so far as his inter- ests can be promoted by an assumed regard for their interests. He does not seem to care how many hearts he breaks with an- guish, nor how many choice spirits he crushes into annihila- tion, if so be he can rise on their downfall. 158 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. But, 0, Dr. McFarland, you can not kill a spirit ; it lives after all you have done to destroy its existence, and in a body too, which God gave it to inhabit. All this terrible array of broken, crushed hearts, which you vainly think you have de- stroyed forever, are all alive, and are now marshalling in dread array to work out your long merited doom. The faithful hard working Kate has well earned her $2.30 a week, if any female attendant earns that amount by her work. She has been as sane a worker as any attendant in the house ever since I knew her, and I am told she had been just as competent and useful for many months before. And Kate is only one of scores of others of like type. And if they are ever discharged after these years of unrequited labor either their friends or the county will be required to pay the insti- tution, in addition to all this unrequited toil, all that their clothing has cost them, besides the bill charged for making it, even if the patient has cut and made every stitch of it her- self! How much more profitable to the pecuniary interests of the State is this robbing of its citizens, than it would be to pay their just debts ! If it were not for this slave labor, the State would be compelled to have double the number of at- tendants to do all this work, which it now gets as a gratuity out of its prisoners. Dr. McFarland is a good financier for the State in this par- ticular, but a miserable one for the interests of' the state's- prisoners under his care. If the State wish the interests of its unfortunates cared for, they must get some other person than Dr. McFarland to do this deed for them, or it never will be done. He knows that the pecuniary interests of the state demand such large pecuniary resources also, to meet the im- mense destruction of state property which is constantly going on, through his stolid indifference. Could the state but be allowed to know the management as it really is, not as the Doctor reports it to be, thy would be horror struck at the ex- travagant, unnecessary and unreasonable amount of property destroyed here, merely as the legitimate result of this insane management. The rules as they are practically carried out THE SANE KEPT. 159 are unreasonable and unjust in the extreme. The property is wantonly destroyed oftentime as the legitimate result of of this cruel injustice. There is no other manner in -which they can express their just indignation of the power which is thus oppressing them. Therefore the amount of property unnecessarily destroyed, which is daily going on here, might relieve the wants of thousands who stand in perishing need of the comforts it might furnish for them. 0, Illinois ! State of my adoption, when, when will you look intelligently, with your own eyes, into the practical op- eration of your Insane Asylum system, as it is now being practiced in your State Institution at Jacksonville? Never, never, will you see it as it is, until you can look at it through some other medium than Dr. McFarland or his Reports. Just consider how unjustly I am treated here. Here my good, firm health is suffering from my close confinement; and in duty to myself I reported my state to Dr. McFarland, and asked if I could not be allowed fifteen minutes exercise in the open air daily, without an attendant, and he denied my re- quest. I then concluded I would avail myself of the laws of the house, and go to the wash house or ironing rooms, and there work for the State, that I might thus secure the exer- cise and fresh air my health demanded. But lo ! here I am met with Dr. McFarland's strict command not to let me out for this purpose, while other prisoners can go at their option. I have not done any thing to forfeit my right to this privi- lege, guaranteed by law to the prisoners, to my knowledge, or to the knowledge of any other one. And yet Dr. McFar- land has just as good a reason for denying me this right, as he had for removing me from the best ward to the worst. Neither I nor any other one in the house have ever known his reasons for thus treating me ; but on the contrary, we know that he had no right or excuse for doing so. Nothing but sovereign, arbitrary rule dictates his course of treatment towards me. Yes, he is ruling me with a rod of iron, and I, in my deeply sensitive nature, am suffering protracted martyr- dom at his hands. 160 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. 1 this lingering, terrible death of crucifixion ! Could not the wrath of man have been appeased by something less ex- cruciating? O, no. Despotic man must not only trample helpless woman under foot, but he must heighten her anguish by the stings of injustice. Oh, how many of these torturing stings my bleeding heart has felt, within the last seven months! Were it not for the "balm of Gilead, and the physician there," these stings must have proved fatal to my soul, to whose death alone were these darts directed. 0, Jesus, if these fires rage so furiously in the green tree, what must be expected from the dry? "For the fire shall try every man's work, of what sort it is." At the request of Mrs. McFarland, the Doctor finally con- sented to my going into the sewing room for one-half day each day, while other prisoners can go all day, if they choose. Thus, by sewing for the State, as its imprisoned slave, I can buy the privilege of exchanging the putrid, loathsome air of the ward, for the more wholesome, purer atmosphere of the sewing room for half a day. But instead of this being a relief, it seems to be only an aggravation of the evil, for the air of the hall seems doubly grievous and unendurable by contrast, and the incessant noise and uproar of the maniacs, seems height- ened every time I return to the roar of the tempest after a short calm. 1 think I can well pay my way, by making a vest or a pair of pants daily, to swell the aggregate of Dr. McFarland's report of the pecuniary profits arising solely from this slave labor. This is my only alternative to get better air for my health ! If I were a male prisoner, I might perhaps be allowed, under a watchful keeper, to go on to the Doctor's great farm, and hoe his corn and potatoes, with his sixty other day laborers, which this house furnishes for his exclusive ben- efit. And thus, by Dr. McFarland's granting me the right to breathe the fresh air of heaven, I might help fill his coffers, by my unpaid labor. I might thus help Dr. McFarland to publish his benevolent deeds to the world, that he gives to the poor around him yearly, a bushel of potatoes from his own THE SANE KEPT. 161 farm ! Or it might help to buy some of the costly wines, and cigars, and confectioneries with which the Asylum feast ta- bles are loaded, at the State's expense, to the credit of Dr. McFarland's great hospitality ! Yes, it may pa.y for the intoxicating drinks the company of soldiers to which his oldest son belonged, used on that memorable occasion, when they, after this drunken debauch, stalked through our halls, headed by their drunken leader, to see us, the boarders of the house, put off with nothing but bread and molasses to eat, and nothing but a single saucer left to eat it from ; for we were deprived of every cup, spoon, knife and fork, and chair, to supply the table of Dr. McFarland's guests. If we could have had one raisin, or cake, or candy, or apple, or any thing, left in the shape of fragments from that groaning table of luxuries, in exchange for the vegetables, strawberries, butter, sugar, and tea, they took from our table, we should have felt better satisfied. I could not help sympathizing with the remark made by our kind attendant, Miss Tomlin, on the well remembered occasion as we stood around our table, dipping our bread into our black molasses, the Doctor seemed inclined to shut this scene from the soldiers' view who followed after ; but Miss Tomlin, instead of granting this wish, said, as she opened the door " No, let them see us as we are; let them see how our table comforts compare with their own I " It may help too, to pay for the costly wine which Mrs. Coe told me she had seen carried, by the pail full, into the chamber of this elder son, to treat his companions with, taken from the Asylum storehouse of luxuries, charged for the " good of the patients." Seldom, very seldom, did a drop of these wines ever pass the lips of a patient, for his " good" or evil either. Dr. McFarland's mode of " impressing " free citizens of these United States into his service is truly profitable, if not novel, in that it pays him well, as a public financier. 162 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. XXXII. An Unpleasant Response. The response I got to the congratulation I gave Dr. Me- Farland to-day, on his return from his Chicago trip, pains me a little. His wife standing by, I said " we welcome your re- turn ; still, we congratulate you on being able to leave the superintendence of the house in so good hands as your wife's, in your absence. We feel that kindness rules her actions to- wards the patients." " Your words are always so sweet and honied !" "No more so than my feelings. They are correct report- ers of my heart." "Would that some of these sweet and honied words could be bestowed upon the husband you promised to love and hon- or !" " He has had them in more abundance than any other man, but he shall never have another, until he repents." 0, how determined these men" are to break down the con- science of woman, and thus annihilate her i^dentity. Only let her be their echo or parasite and she is all right ? I am treating the Doctor as I have always tried to my hus- band, with the most patient forbearance, hoping thus to over- come the evil in him with kindness. Instead therefore, of reproaching the Doctor for turning with such heartless in- difference from my appeals to him for protection, I just com- mit the business of punishing for these offences to an aveng- ing God, and betake myself anew to the exercise of kindness and patient forbearance, still hoping that it may in this case prove a success, instead of a failure, as it did in Mr. Packard's case. There should be no state rights in opposition to the cen- tral government. So there should be no individual sovereign- ty in opposition to God's government. Therefore no husband should require the subjection of his wife's conscience to his will, when it opposes what she regards as God's will. God LOED OF CREATION. 163 grant, that the time may never wear away in me this spirit of resistance to such oppression. XXXIII. Is Man the Lord of Creation ? Dr. McFarland accused me yesterday of defending a princi- ple which he claims would be subversive of all family govern- ment. He maintains that the government of the family is vested entirely in the husband, that the wife has no right to her identity ; she must live, move and have her being in him alone. I admit that the recognition of her identity will en- danger the overthrow of a family despotism, because the mar- ital power will then be so limited as to compel a respectful re- gard to the inalienable rights of the wife ; but on his princi- ple, as the Doctor wants it, the husband must have the power to ignore all her rights, or he can not be " lord over all" in his family I I claim that every family established on such a basis ought . to be overthrown, as well as all other despotisms ; and it is this principle which is at the present day sending devastation throughout the whole social fabric of society. Despotism can not live on freedom's soil. Divorce and disunion are dem- onstrating this fact, and they will continue to demonstrate and remonstrate too, against family despotisms, until this govern- ment will extend the right of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" to the wives of her government as well as the husbands. Married woman has as good a right to her moral accountability as a married man ; and God is her sovereign as well as he is man's sovereign. Man has no more right to in- terfere with her allegiance to Christ's government, than she has to interfere with his. Both must be judged independently before this highest tribunal, therefore each should be morally free to live up to their highest convictions of right. 164 THE PKISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. On the Doctor's visit to-day he asked, " Mrs. Packard, what is meant by 'Wives, obey your husbands ?' " "It means to obey them in what is right, and not in what is wrong." " What is meant by the husband being the head of the wife?" " It means that he is the head, or the senior partner of the firm, and the wife the junior partner, or companion. He has this headship assigned to him instead of the wife, because he is the best fitted in nature to defend and protect the wife and children. He is the head, to protect, but not to subject the rights of the other members of the household. This headship gives him no more right to become the despot, than the junior position of the wife allows her to become his slave. Being associated as partners, does not confer on either, the right of usurpation." "But what shall be done, when, on a point of common in- terest, they can not agree?" " The junior must yield her views to the senior's." " But supposing the wife feels that the husband's plans will bring disaster upon the family interests?" "It is her duty to yield notwithstanding, after she has urged all her strong reasons against it, for unless she does, she trespasses on his right as 'head 1 of the firm. The risk must be assumed by some one, and as the head is compelled to bear this responsibility, he ought to be allowed to act in ac- cordance with his own judgment, after the opinions of his junior partner have been candidly weighed. Then, if disaster follows, she has no right to complain, for this is one of the indispensable and inseparable liabilities of a co-partnership relation. Understanding this principle when she entered the firm, she would be domineering over an inalienable right of her partner to do otherwise. Unless this principle of justice can be peaceably conceded, there is no alternative except a peaceable dissolution, or a civil war." PETITION PRESENTED. 165 XXXIV. Petition to the Trustees, Presented September, 1861. To THE TRUSTEES OF ILLINOIS INSANE ASYLUM. Messrs: I, Mrs. E. P. ~W. Packard, wife of Rev. Theoph- ilus Packard of Manteno, Kankakee County, Illinois, do most respectfully pray your honorable body to discharge me from this Asylum, and place me on a self-reliant position forthwith, for the following reasons. * 1st. Because I am illegally imprisoned on a false charge. This I assume, on the ground that a person is supposed to be innocent, until he has been proved to be guilty. The charge of insanity has never been established, or proved against me, and I claim, that a charge which exposes an individual to a life long imprisonment, ought to be proved, before it is assumed that they are guilty and treated accordingly. 2nd. This, my imprisonment being a false one, eminently imperils the vital interests of this Institution, whose interests you are sacredly bound to protect. The mere "forms of law," regardless of the spirit, or intent of the law, will be found to be a bogus protection to the Institution. 3rd. I am entirely capable of assuming a self-reliant posi- tion, being in the full possession of all my mental and physical faculties, and having ever been an eminently practical woman, I already know how to use these faculties for my own pecu- niary support, without aid from others. 4th. My long and dreary imprisonment among maniacs, is peculiarly trying to my sensibilities and my intelligence, and for you, Gentlemen, to protract it without investigation, seems unmanly, and unjust. 5th. It was only for the lawful exercise of my rights of opinion and conscience, that the charge of insanity was alleged against me by my husband, and I, therefore, am not willing to be returned to him until the question is settled at the bar of my countrv, whether a wife and mother in America can be protected under our Constitution, in the independent exercise of her rights of religious opinion. 166 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. 6th. I think it would hasten this crisis, by allowing me my personal liberty, and thereby, a mother's guardianship over her infant children be sooner restored to them. It is a great D wrong, thus to deprive six children, and one an infant, of a mother's tender care. Gentlemen, as guardians of this Institution, allow me to inform you that this house has in some instances, been per- verted from its original object, and is now being used as a penitentiary a house of correction a poor-house for the indigent and idle a hospital for the sick and for an inqui- sition. For my persecutors, it is being employed as an inquisition, where they hope to torture me into an acknowl- edgement of the Presbyterian church creed, and it is indeed true that all that human ingenuity can devise, has been most skillfully employed to make a maniac of me, since they find I will not recant. But, by God's help, I have hitherto sus- tained unharmed, these horrors and tortures, and reason still maintains its throne, and demands justice at your hands, or at the bar of my country. Trustees of this Institution, on you now rests the responsi- bility of purging this house of these evils, and thus ward off the just indignation of an enlightened people, and the curse of an insulted God, which now overhangs it, threatening its destruction. May divine wisdom guide you in the disposal of this peti- tion of a persecuted woman. E. P. ~W. PACKARD. P. S. A PROTEST. Dr. McFarland informs me that I am soon to be liberated and returned to my husband ! Christian Gentlemen, I do hereby enter my most solemn protest against being returned to my husband. This shall never be done with my consent, and if done at all, it must be done as a mere act of brute force on your part. I shall never surrender my con- science to this traitor of Christ's government. His law says, "Judge ye not of your own selves what is right?" I shall obey this law of my Sovereign, and shall judge for myself what is right for me to do. I shall always yield to intelli- gence, and to argument based on truth, but to despotism PETITION PRESENTED. 167 never. I shall hold no fellowship with my husband, so long as he regards me as an unaccountable moral agent, " so help me God!" A follower of Jesus. E. P. W. P. The above protest was added to my petition, and presented in person, to the Trustees, as they passed through my hall. As I handed it to Mr. Brown, the chairman, I said in presence of Dr. McFarland, "Will you gentlemen please have the kindness to consider this petition before deciding upon my case?" Mr. Brown took the document and gave it into the hands of the Secretary, saying "you take charge of it." But, for the Trustees' sake, I am sorry to add that they took no notice of it, and so far as their action was concerned, my case was indefinitely postponed ! I was left to continue on unnoticed, and uncared for just the same as before. They seemed to be just as indifferent to my interests as Dr. McFar- land had been, and took no more notice of my petition to them, than the Doctor had of a similar one I had before sent him. What more could I do? If men to whom the public commit such important trusts will not discharge their duty, ought they not to be discharged themselves? Certainly. If the Superintendent is remiss in his duties, the Trustees ought to discharge him, and if the Trustees uphold an unworthy man, when they know he ought to be discharged, then they themselves, ought to be discharged, and so far as my case is concerned, I say, that from this time, if Dr. McFarland was guilty for keeping me there, then the Trustees are alike guilty. The experience of my inner life, during this trial I find de- lineated in my journal of September 6th. If I am forced back to my husband, the act will be no more my act, than the fugi- tive's return is his own act. If God so permits, I know I shall be sustained in doing the best I can under the circumstances. I see not the way nor the plan of God in thus leading me in this self-denying course of obedience conflicting so much with my natural inclinations. But still lam satisfied. Let me but know my duty ; 'tis all I ask. It is only thine own work and plan I am so blindly executing. Thine shall be the triumph 168 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. or the defeat, not mine. Shall the instrument insist upon knowing the designer's plan, before consenting to be employed in executing the work ? No, it is enough for me to know and keep my proper place, as an employee under the Master work- man's control. I believe I have a body-guard of invincible power to defend me in the discharge of every duty, and until my work is en- tirely done I am immortal. Although I am called to pursue a comet-like orbit, yet I have my path to revolve in, and no other planet can affect it, beyond its appointed limits. Velo- city, momentum, onward force, is sometimes my only safety I seem now to have reached that part of my orbit where ac- celerated motion is required to preserve its equilibrium. Great Sun of the Universe ! keep me within thy influence and con- trol, and never let me get beyond thy centripetal influence. If I am sent back to Manteno as a fugitive, I intend to live entirely independent of human dictation, that does not coin- cide with my views of right and duty, lean not fellowship any church who regard me as an insane person, for such an influence will claim a right to control my conscience. If no church can allow me to be an independent, moral agent, I will belong to no church. Neither will I associate with the insane party. My associates shall be only those who respect my sanity. If I am forced into the home of my husband, it will be no sin for me to be there, for the act will not be mine, therefore, I shall have grace to live a Christian life with my children, since God's providence so appoints my destiny, for God requires no impossibilities. . The reason I can not voluntarily put myself unprotected again into the power of my husband, is because I see him without his mask. The people do not. I will not stain my soul with a falsehood to curry the favor of all the people. Wherever I am I will dare to do right, and then I know God will take care of me. In a letter to my son Theophilus, I say, " The Trustees met yesterday, and have indefinitely postponed my liberation. TAX PAYERS. 169 Ye-', you my first born, and my other children, must still continue to suffer the cruel wrong of being deprived of a mother's gentle care. I did hope, that if the Trustees would not grant my petition, they would send me home forci- bly, for then I should not do wrong by going. And then their responsibility of my imprisonment would have ceased. But no ; they did nothing, and we must linger on, enduring this unnatural separation still longer. I am cast down, but not in despair. u G-od will make the riddle plain, So all our murmuring thoughts restrain." XXXT. The Eights of the Tax Payers. LETTER TO THE TRUSTEES. INSANE ASYLUM, May 10, 1862. To THE TRUSTEES. Gentlemen: Dr. McFarland has in- formed me that the State, not my husband, supports me here. I deem it my duty to protest against this act of injustice. Although I fully appreciate your intended kindness to me and mine, by placing me on the charity list; yet it is the injustice of the act that my nature instinctively revolts at. My children have no claim upon the charities of this State for their education. God has provided them with ways and means of being educated far superior to many children of the poor tax payers. If these indigent tax payers choose, vol- untarily to deprive their own children of the means of education, for the benefit of my more favored ones, there would be no injustice in my receiving their gifts in this way. But to claim it of them, without their consent or knowledge, simply as a legal right, is unjust : for it plainly conflicts with the dictates of the moral law, which is, doing to others as I should wish them to do to me. I am not required to love my neighbor's interests better than my own. My own children H 170 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. have a prior claim to my regard than my neighbor's Still, I have no right to seek their interests at my neighbor's ex- pense, without his knowledge or consent. Since my husband has broken his marriage covenant, and failed to protect me in my duties as a wife and mother, de- priving me not only of my marriage rights, but also of all my rights as an American citizen, thereby depriving his children of their natural guardian and instructor, I feel that he has no right to seek to make pecuniary profits from the specious plea thus formed of educating his children. You know not what you are doing, in supporting this man in his wicked plan of wronging the innocent without cause. God grant that your eyes may be opened to see your guilt in thus doing, so that you may repent in this life, where you can be forgiven, on the ground of making due restitution to me, for the multiplied wrongs you have inflicted upon me and mine. Respectfully yours, MKS. E. P. W. PACKAKD. XXXVI. The Imputation of Insanity a Barrier to Human Pro- gress. At. one time I was made to feel exceedingly sad and sor- rowful by a conversation I had with a lady who called upon me. I conversed freely and frankly with her, as usual, avow- ing my views and sentiments, and giving my reasons for the course 1 was pursuing. In her undeveloped condition she failed to comprehend them fully, and therefore, since the brand of insanity was upon me, she concluded these points which she could not readily comprehend, were products of my insanity ! This, from her standpoint, being an inevitable con- clusion, her mind would necessarily be barred against any convictions of truth which I might present to her reason or intelligence. These goggles of insanity through which she IMPUTATION OF INSANITY. 171 now looks, disturbs all her mental vision, so that she can no more apprehend a new truth through me, as its medium, than the scales of bigotry will admit any light through those who war with its dogmas. Now supposing this position should be generally adopted, viz : that what we can not readily apprehend, is insanity ; what encouragement hare we to make progress, or become the bene- factors of our age, knowing that just as soon as we advance to any point of intelligence beyond another, we must be re- garded and treated as insane, and thus expose ourselves to a life-long imprisonment unless we recant ? Is not the impu- tation of insanity the devil's barrier to human progress ? I feel that we ought to be very careful not to condemn what we do not understand, for in Christ's case, his persecutors were condemned as guilt of " blasphemy," for doing this very thing. The blinded Jews, who were wedded to their creed with as firm a tenacity as the Orthodox church of the present day is to their own, could not therefore apprehend the principles of the new dispensation, which Christ came to in- troduce, because it conflicted with their church creed; there- fore they accused this innovator with madness or insanity for promulgating such new, and strange doctrines. Like the same class at the present age, they did not wait to see evidence of his insanity in his evil actions, before they condemned him ; but merely for his expressions or utterances of opinions, he was condemned as a mad man. Now I think his accusers acted more like mad men than he did, when we come to take actions as evidence of insanity, instead of the expression of opinions. And even if we take their own basis of evidence, I think the Jewish dogmas which their church defended were as great an evidence of insanity in them, as the opinions which Christ taught in opposition to their standard of morals, were evidence of insanity in him. But I do not think that the ut- terance of opinions in either case, is any evidence of in- sanity. The Jews believed they had received their dispensa- tion from God, and of course, they were tenacious in its de- fence, and could not readily see that the time had come for 172 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. the old to give place to the new. So it is in all ages, some are slower than others to see that the time for the inaugura- tion of any new truth has fully come, and therefore they op- pose it with the same intolerant spirit which the Jewish min- 'sters did. But so far as the question of insanity goes, those show the greatest proof of being insane, who oppose this inauguration with vile slander, and ruinous scandal, and false imprisonment, and death, rather than those who calmly stand by the truth, and defend it with sound and invincible logic. It was this very inoffensiveness in Christ which so exasperated them against him, plainly showing that it was they who had the devil of bigotry in them, not him. It was they, the Jewish ministers, who were the blasphemers, instead of him whom they accused of blasphemy. The views and theories taught by Christ, were all humanitarian in their character ; yet this did not shield him from the assaults of slander and the charge of insanity ; neither will this armor prove a defence at the present age, even under the American flag of free religious toleration, so long as reformers are allowed to be publicly branded by these Insane Asylums. Whoever has the diploma of this institution forced upon him, must submit henceforth to fight his way through fire and blood to carry out his benev- olent purposes to humanity ; for at every inch of progress, he is compelled to face the barbed arrow of insanity, hurled at him by the intolerant and bigoted of his age. If by any possible means, the imputation of insanity can be removed from the track of the reformer, the wheel of human progress will be greatly accelerated. Again my persecutors are guilty of the same act of un- charitableness in calling the natural developments of woman- hood evil, or insanity, in me. This undeveloped sister insists that it is impossible for me to be what I profess to be, a true woman, and not have overcome the evil in my husband; since goodness is omnipotent. I acknowledge the potency of goodness, while I, at the same time add, that I do not believe that she or any other woman could have borne more patiently IMPUTATION OF INSANITY. 173 with a husband's faults, or have labored more kindly and hide- fatigably to overcome them than I have done. I regard such a man as a most subtle foe to conquer, and I do fully believe, that ultimately, through my instrumentality, if any, Christ will conquer him ; but the time has not yet come. It is said of Christ, "Thou hast put all things in subjection under his feet," as I believe, for the purpose of raising them to a state of happiness and purity. Christ conquers, not to punish, but to bless his foes. I believe my twenty-one years of subjec tion to my husband's will, is not designed as a punishment to me, but as a blessed means of bringing me to lose all my natural loves in the love of God's will. Thus am I called to die to live again to die naturally, to live spiritually. I hope this new life has begun in me. May it be developed into maturity ! Another point she could not understand in me is, that I call it a reproach to be called insane, when she says it is not a reproach to be insane. I do not regard an insane person as an object of reproach or contempt, by any means. They are objects of pity and compassion; for I regard insanity as the greatest misfortune which can befall a human being in this life. But to be regarded as an insane person, when I am not, is to me a reproach, which I find is a severe cross for me to bear; such as for example, to be reported to be a bankrupt, when I am not, is a reproach, because it is a cruel slander. But how much more malevolent and cruel is the slander, to be reported as lost to reason when we are not. I think the sensitive feelings of Christ led him to feel it to be a reproach to have his age say of him, " He hath a devil and is mad, why hear ye him? " As much as to say, " Why will you listen to what this ' babbler ' says ? he is not worth noticing, for he is merely an insane person, who don't know what he is about." Now, since he expressly says it is "blasphemy, in that they said he hath a devil ;" and since blasphemy is tho blackest sin which can be committed against Christ, have we not reason to fear it is of the same type of magnitude when committed against his followers? 174 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. But so far as I am concerned, I can forgive this injury which this sister has thus inflicted upon my sensitive feelings, although Christ says, blasphemy is a sin which can not be for- given, "either in this life, or the life to come." I do pray that she may never know from her own sad experience, how deeply she has wounded my feelings ; and never, until she is called to bear this same reproach, can she know how ponderous is the burden. But while I am in this Institution, this thought does buoy up my burdened soul, viz ; that all who know me personally, here, have entire confidence in my sanity, not even excepting Dr. McFarland ! and I do believe that Miss M * the Su- pervisoress expressed this heart feeling of them all, when she said to me, "Mrs. Packard, I believe you to be in the full exercise of all your mental faculties, with a sound mind, and no single act of yours have I ever known to contradict or in- validate this testimony?" Dear; kind Sister! how my heart thanks you for this defence of my spirit nature ; your sympa- thy in this expression, is like balm to my wounded spirit. Mrs. Hosmer, the sewing room directress, also has my sincere thanks for her testimony, given to Rev. A. D. Eddy, D. D., in reply to his question, " How is Mrs. Packard at times?" "You have seen Mrs. Packard once: you have seen her always." X XXXVII. Mr. James Lyon's Advice. Mr. James Lyon, and his sister, Miss Jane Lyon, of George- town, Illinois, brought their sister here, and were allowed to remain in our ward for some time without the watch of an employee upon their lips. This was rarely allowed, especially where I was, lest some means of appeal be afforded me. I, of course, made the most of my opportunities, and conversed freely with them. They manifested sympathy for me, and a *At her own special request, her name is omitted. RECORD OF A DAT. 175 confidence in my word and statements, which was to me, at that time, a source of so much pleasure, that I feel impelled to record it as a kind of "oasis" in my prison life. Sad as they saw my surroundings to be, they advised me never to ask to return to my husband, but to wait ; to stand firm and un- movable on this point. Mr. Lyon said he thought great good might result from my being sent here. He also said he should lay my case before the Judge of his county, and see if any- thing could be done for me. Here I will state, that Mr. Lyon was then the first man who ever agreed with me, in my determination never to return to my husband. On this point 1 had stood alone except that Mary McFarland had one day uttered her assent in 'these em- phatic words ; "I would not go to him if I were in your place, for if I had a husband who put me into an Insane Asylum when I was not insane, I never would speak to him after- wards!" With these two exceptions, I stood alone, and battled friends and foes alike, in defence of the honor my nature demanded, to have no sort of fellowship with these deeds of darkness. And to this day I am satisfied with the stand I then took. It would seem to be as insane an act for me to consent to our reunion on his basis, as it would be for the North t(U onsent to a union with the South on the basis of slavery. XXXVIII. Record of a Day. The record of one day is a record of all, since I came to this ward. I rise with the breakfast bell, which rings about fifteen minutes before we are called to the table. I first drop upon my knees and offer a short prayer for protection and guidance, and then drink a tumbler of rain water, to keep my bowels free, which, in connection with my other health regimen, does prove effectual in producing this effect, which habit is so in- 176 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. dispeusably necessary to perfect health and mental vigor. I wet my head in soft water, and wash my hands and face and dress myself as quickly as possible. I then throw off my bed clothes, article by article, giving each a shaking to air it, and stir up the husk of my mattress, and then leave them all airing while I eat my breakfast. I sleep with my window wide open, both summer and winter. After breakfast I finish making my bed, sweep and dust my room, and then invite the ladies of our hall to my room, to prayers, leaving each entirely free to come or not just as they choose. There i? but one chapel service daily, and that is at at night. Sometimes one, sometimes three, and oftentimes no one responds to my invitation by coming to prayers. After reading and praying I commence my studies, by first writing in my diary and journal. I pursue a systematic course of studying the bible and writing out my conclusions, and then read some scientific book requiring thought and close atten- tion, until eleven o'clock. I then take a full bath of cold water, and then follow it with vigorous friction, accompanied with gymnastic exercises, adapt- ed to the expansion of the chest and muscles of the system. I pursue this vigorous exercise before my open window until I find it a sweet relief to sit down and comb my hair thorough- ly. I then complete my toilet for the day, all of which occu- pies nearly one hour's time. I am then in a condition to rel- ish my dinner, after which, I read some light literature, or the daily paper, over which I often drop to sleep in my chair, and thus take a short nap. I then take my embroidery and do a certain amount, while I at the same time commit to mem- ory certain passages which I have marked in my reading as worthy of particular note ; or, while doing my embroidery, I meet my attendants Miss Tomlin and Miss McKelva in the large dormitory, and there listen to readings from Shake- speare's plays which we mutually agree to do for our individu- al improvement. This occupies my mind completely until the horn blows for supper, when the farm hands are all sum- moned in from their work in the fields about five o'clock. I RECORD OF A DAY. 177 take no suppers at all, finding that two meals are all my pres- ent, habits render necessary for the unimpeded and healthfu] operations of nature. I noticed that while I took my suppers my sleep was not so quiet and refreshing as it ought to be that I awoke with a bad taste in my mouth, and had but little ap- petite for my breakfast. I felt rather averse to effort. I be- came aware that 1 was over feeding myself instead of refresh- ing nature with food. I therefore dispensed with my suppers entirely, and afl these symptoms and indifferent feelngs sub- sided, and I felt well, that is, I had no special reason for considering that I had a body to care for, so quiet and unim- peded were its functions carried on. The body thus cared for instead of being an incumbrance to the mind, became only its faithful servant. My sleep is now really a luxury, even amid this den of howling maniacs, and my breakfast and din- ners are peculiarly well relished, and I have not a pain or un- easy sensation in my physical system to call the mind's atten- tion to, whatever. How thankful am I for my practical knowledge of the laws of my physical nature; for I do believe that godliness, or living according to God's laws, is profitable in every respect; and ungodliness, or trespassing on nature's laws, can not be done with impunity. After supper I lay aside my work, and devote myself to amusing the prisoners, by dancing and playing with them until after chapel service, when they are locked up for the night. T go through my gymnastics again at night in my room, and drink my tumbler of soft water, and pray, and go joyfully tc bed to. sleep, and pleasant dreams. I often feel when rising, as much relieved and rested from my troubles, as if I had really been absent from my prison, on a pleasant visit to loved friends. It sometimes takes me some minutes to realize where I am, on awaking from such pleasant dreams. I often think this hell is not so unmitigated in its torments as the hell of lost spirits is represented to be, by their resting not, day nor night. Could not these prison torments be sus- pended by sleep, they must soon become too intolerable for H2 178 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. physical nature to sustain. God grant me deliverance from endless, unmitigated torment ! The discipline of this hell has had one influence over my moral feelings which is certainly conducive to inward peace of mind, and that is, I am becoming comparatively indifferent to the " speech of people," which is really one of the greatest bugbears in the universe. I now think it is much better to do as we please, or as we think it right for us to do, promptly, and independently, than to square our conclusions by other people's estimates. Blessed be independence and moral courage ! for by these traits alone can we secure the honor of God, and the approbation of a good conscience. Let me get above " folks," where I can breathe a pure atmosphere and live. The 'idea of suffocating and choking to death down in the vitiating atmosphere of a meddlesome and gossiping world, is very disagreeable. The record of every day's experience here of this doleful prison life, carries me farther and farther above this grovelling atmosphere, so that my mind finds peace amid tumult and noisy strife. For the benefit of others who may be called to endure sim- ilar trials, I will add, that I find it an invaluable habit to be able to secure good sleep, and plenty of it, to fortify one invincibly against the attacks of " low spirits." To be a "good sleeper" is as indispensable to a happy, vigorous state of the intellect, as being a "good eater" is to a good physical condition. And my signal triumph over low, or depressed spirits, which never for one entire day disturbed my inward peace of mind, during all my imprisonment, is greatly owing to my constant practice of sleeping soundly from ten to eleven hours out of the twenty-four. The need of this habit was presented first to my mind by my scientific reading in the Asylum, where it was shown that whenever the brain had unusual burdens to carry, either in the form of trials or of deep study, a greater amount of sleep was indispensable to sustaining it unharmed. HOW I BOUGHT PAPER 179 XXXIX. How I Bought and Retained some Paper. Before narrating the incidents concerning the paper, I will here state a few facts incidentally bearing upon the subject. As I have before stated, orders were expressly given when I was removed to the Eighth ward, that I be not allowed to go out of it at all except to chapel service. These orders were strictly enforced for about five months, when orders were re- ceived that I might be allowed to ride and walk out with the patients. I have reason to think that I am indebted to Miss M , for this privilege, as she was the first who bore to me the message in these words, " Mrs. Packard, the Doctor has given me permission to take you to ride to-day in company with his daughter Hattie." Availing myself of this privilege I took with me the only capital I owned in the whole world, viz : asilverdime, which Dr. McFarland had given me, and which by an unaccountable combination of circumstances, he supposed was justly my due, determining if possible to invest this capital in paper, now the great want of my existence. At my request Miss M left me at Dr. Shirley's office, to get some unfinished work done on my teeth, while she and Hattie rode off. While they were gone I took occasion to step out to make my investment. But recollecting that five months before, in settling up my account at the " Philadelphia Store," I found myself indebted five cents above what I was able to pay, I accordingly asked Mr. Woodman to trust me for that, assuring him I should pay him the first money I got. He however gallantly replied, "it is of no consequence, you are welcome to it." But as I felt bound in honor to fulfill my promise, I went directly to this store, and after stating the circumstances, offered my dime to meet my obligation, secretly praying how- ever, that he would still insist upon it that it was of " no con- sequence" to him, for it was of great value to me half my for- tune ! But in this, I am sorry to say, I was disappointed, for \ x^ 180 THE f>r So - %>f ? HIDDEN LIFE. it was his clerk now that I was doing 'siness with in- stead of the kin-: 1 Mr. Woodman, the owner. DO after search- ing his money ?^. \et over in vain to find the five cents my due, he left me alone in the store long enough to steal half his goods had I been so disposed, (but I did not steal anything, by the way !) and went to the bank to get my dime changed, and thus I got my five cents. But having no paper, as I had before offered to take it in paper, I hastened to the nearest bookstore, where I bought five cents worth of damaged fools- cap, which amounted to eight sheets ! Overjoyed at the suc- cess of my investment, being three extra sheets above the cur- rent price, I, with the lightest heart and the quickest step possible, returned to Dr. Shirley's office, lest Mary get there before me. But alas ! the tardy bank was so long in chang- ing my dime, that she drove up to the door just as I returned to be thus caught ! But by carefully concealing my long roll of foolscap under my shawl as best I could, I thought I had satisfied her inquiry as to where I had been, by telling her I had been to the Philadelphia Store to pay a debt. But alas ! the long roll of foolscap would so protrude itself against my shawl as to lead her to suspect I had not told the whole truth in reporting myself. However she did not ex- press these thoughts to me until that evening when just be- fore chapel, she came to me with this question, " Mrs. Pack- ard, did you get any paper when- I took you to ride to- day ?" "Why do you ask me that question, Mary?" " Because I thought I saw something under your shawl which you seemed to try to conceal from me." " What if I did ? havn't I a right to carry things without your knowledge ?" " You have no right to carry paper without my knowledge, for the Doctor has expressly forbidden me to let you have a scrap of writing paper, and if you have used the privilege I granted you by taking you to ride, by getting yourself paper, I must report you to the Doctor. Did you get paper, or did you not?" HOW I BOUGHT PAPER. 181 "I did, Mary, get five cents' worth?" ' I must report you to the Doctor it is my duty." am sorry, Mary, your conscience dictates such a course, still if it does, obey your conscience, for I know you will fa- vor me whenever you can conscientiously do so." As she left the hall I, as quickly as possible, took the three extra sheets from my roll and hid them about my person, leaving the roll in the top of an old box which I was using as a trunk to keep my things in, with one dress simply covering the roll. After chapel, and when the ladies were nearly all locked up for the night in their rooms, the Doctor's steps were heard in our hall, and as he entered at one end, I left my room at the opposite end, and as we approached each other we met at about the middle of the hall, when standing directly in front of me, he remarked, with his eye fixed most intently up- on me, "Mrs. Packard, did you get some paper when you you went to ride with Miss M , to-day ?" " Yes sir ! said I looking him also full in the eye." " Will you give me the paper if I ask you for it ?" " No sir !" with emphasis, said I. "Will you give it to me if I demand it of you?" "No sir!" with greater emphasis. For a moment we stood looking at each other in silent amazement, then he said, " Where is the paper?" " Amongst my things." We then passed each other, he going to my room to attend to his business, and I to the opposite end of the hall to attend to mine. -When I returned, I found the Doctor searching the table drawer where I kept my choice things, the key to which I carried in my own pocket ; but it seemed the Doctor had opened it with some other key. I wonder if there are any locks which Dr. McFarland's keys can not lawfully open! After watching his movements, while he stood bent over my drawer, carefully opening every box, large and small, and pocketing such articles as he chose, such as bits of pencils, and old pens, and any articles of stationery he could find, 182 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. I left the room, while he was, ransacking the paraphernalia of woman's toilet, remarking to my dormitory companions as I left, " Ladies, bear witness to this robbery 1" Failing, to find the paper he was in search of, he closed and locked the drawer, then asked the ladies if they knew of any other place where Mrs. Packard kept her things. Miss Goldsby replied, " She keeps some in this box, I believe," pointing to a cushioned covered seat near by. This box, the size of a common trunk, was full of my larger articles of wearing apparel, which he carefully searched throughout ; but failing to find the roll of foolscap, because in such plain sight, near the top ! he left, chagrined and mortified at his failure, and locking the door of my room as he passed out, he left me alone in the hall, while he, with a quick, anxious tread, passed speechlessly by me, out of the hall, closing the dead lock upon me. As I alone paced the hall, silently ruminating upon my probable fate, I saw the hall door open, and the Doctor en- tered, followed by his porter. "Now," thought I, "I am to be transported off to some dungeon or secret cell, to suffer the penalty for telling the truth to him and my attendant," and stepping up deliberately, in front of the porter, I daunt- lessly stood, with folded arms, ready to be unresistingly borne to my place of torture. The friendly porter, who had more than twenty times put the reins of the carriage horse into my hands, and received my " thank you," as often, just gave me a smile, and a respectful bow of recognition, and passing me, followed the Doctor into my room. He soon appeared again with what the Doctor supposed was my trunk, in his hands, and followed the Doctor with it up to the trunk room, where it was left beyond the reach of Mrs. Packard's accommoda- tion. Thus the Doctor had the satisfaction of feeling that if Mrs. Packard has baffled him in finding the paper, he has been able to. annoy her by taking her trunk! And. as the event proved, the Doctor, upon a second overhauling of my things in the trunk room, found the roll of foolscap ; and being fivo sheets, he felt that this amount answered to the five cent's THE ARISTOCRACY. 183 worth Miss M told him I had bought, so that, after un- locking my large trunk in the trunk room, and robbing it of all my letters, and papers, and manuscripts of every kind, he felt satisfied, feeling that at last his plan to defeat his prison- ers of their rights had succeeded, even in my case. But don't let the great Doctor feel- too confident that he has gained the laurels of victory, after all, for he did not know that his wife furnished me with a better trunk, and more of my wardrobe than ever before, with a key to it also ; and besides, the Doctor did not know that I still kept and faith- fully used, the three large sheets of foolscap, from which I am now copying for the public advertising of himself, through this record of his own actions ! No, neither did he know that this ungallant assault upon a defenceless woman's rights, aroused the just indignation of the house in sympathy with his victim ; so 1 that it came to be regarded as a part of the code of honor in that house afterwards, to evade the mandate to "keep all stationery from Mrs. Packard," so that the em- ployees willingly followed the example which Mrs. McFarland set them, to furnish me with supplies, clandestinely, when- ever they could safely do so. In this way, he, himself, furnished me with sufficient material to print a volume quad- ruple this size when it is all printed 1 Can not God cause the "wrath of man to praise him?" XL,:; . The Aristocracy of JacksonviTc*, Rebuked Another Honorable & to v ,. One day, as Dr. McFarland was passing my door, I hailed him, exclaiming, " Doctor, I want to tell you of my trial. I believe you will pity me, for you did on my experiencing a similar trial when I first came here: 1 ' " yes, I will pity you. What is it? " "Doctor, I have been insulted by those proud ladies your wife took through here the other day." 184 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. "Why, or how, did they insult you?" " I will tell you. They came to my room, where I politely invited them to be seated, and entered upon intelligent, lady- like conversation with them. But I quickly noticed they had come as spies that they came to ridicule, instead of to comfort the sorrowing, and that all my effort to entertain them was to be at my own expense. That is, I saw by their manner that they regarded me as an insane person, and that all I said, no matter what, it was all looked upon as insane talk, such as they regarded as of no consequence, except as it afforded them subject for merriment and ridicule. Hurt as my feelings were by their sly winking and scornful smiles, which were freely exchanged whenever I spoke, I took no notice of it, so far as my manner was concerned, but continued politely and intelligently to entertain them; and when they abrubtly withdrew, I politely invited them to call again, to which only one returned a response. By their significant looks and smiles as they passed out, they plainly said, 'We have seen enough of her insanity, let us go and find some other insane person to ridicule!' And they did ridicule many others in the same manner, leading them to exclaim as they left, ' They make us feel that we are a menagerie of wild beasts, to be gazed upon as show animals ! ' ' "It is too bad ! They ought not to have treated you so. It was wrong, very wrong. I have discharged two attendants to-day for ridiculing a patient." "You have done right, DrV McFarland, and God will bless you for it. You have fj^-fejided the rights of the oppressed by so doing. This i 'Jod sent you here for, to protect the afflicted and care \rm.^ I then added, "I feel very indignant at their insulting coiiLUct, and I say it is a just indig- nation, such as the dictates of a right nature prompt. I do not, nor will I try, to restrain it by silence, for I feel called by God, 'to cast abroad my rage,' as he directs in Job xl : 1115. Under this feeling of just indignation, I have written a reproof." " I hope you have addressed it to them." THE ARISTOCRACY. 185 " Yes, here it is," handing him the following letter. After thoroughly reading it he handed it back saying, in a very firm decided manner, " put this letter into an envelope, direct it to Mrs. J. H. Bancroft, and put it into the post-office." I did so, and the letter was sent too, and the next morning a delegation of these aristocratic ladies met the Doctor in the reception room. But for what purpose they made so early a call at the Asylum I have never yet learned. I only know that they had an interview there with the Doctor, for several attend- ants came rushing into my room assuring me the same ladies were there to whom I had sent my letter, and they thought they would soon call upon me to make their apology fortheij unchristian and uncivil treatment. But I am sorry to say, they never called upon me, neither did they ever send me a,n apology for this gross insult. This fact has led me to conclude that the feeling often ex- pressed by the sensible employees is true, viz : that this class of Jacksonville people despise the patients, and, more than any class of Asylum visitors, manifest this feeling in the most un- mistakable manner towards the inmates, as occasion offers. These insolent visitors have long been a great source of an- noyance to the prisoners there, therefore I feel called upon to expose them to the world. Had I any reason to suppose my private rebuke had benefited them, I should never have con- sented to thus treat the persistent transgressor by publishing this letter, to Mrs. Bancroft, Mrs. Lathrop and Mrs. Wells. INSANE ASYLUM, May 1, 1862. SISTERS : Have we not all one Father ? Are we not equally dependent upon our heavenly Father for life and all its bless- ings ? Is it therefore filial or becoming to claim more than he bestows, or abuse what he gives? ^ You may perhaps be surprised at these questions, and won- der what can have prompted their utterance. I will tell you. Your call at my room was the occasion, and your treatment of me while there, was the cause. You treated me not as an afflicted sister, but as a brute. You did indeed visit me in my prison,but I was led to exclaim, "would that you had 186 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. not, for by this act you have inflic ted a wound upon one of Christ's little ones, such as he will certainly be called upon to avenge. Yes sisters, you have harmed yourselves, and you have hurt me. The hurt on me will be healed, and by my patient en- durance will only add to the luster of my crown of righteous- ness. Sisters, what could be more cruel than to make light of and ridicule the afflicted membersof God's household, as you did yesterday, when you visited our wards ? Would you not have called the act an outrage on your feelings to find that your sick and agonized child was made an object of ridicule and contempt, by her more favored sisters ? Would not your au- thority as a parent demand that these guilty ones be punish- ed ? Sisters, in behalf of injured humanity, I feel compelled to inform you that the weak, sickly and persecuted members of God's family are not brute beasts, but human beings, with human feelings, if not like yourselves, like your superiors on the plane of humanity and intelligence ; and if you can find nothing human in your own proud hearts by which to judge of our feelings, I will inform you that we are a class of human beings so much superior to yourselves, that for our benefit, we wish to withdraw ourselves from the influence of your inferior natures, lest we be contaminated thereby. As for myself I feel bound to withdraw the invitation I extended to you yes- terday to call upon me again, regarding you as I now do as beneath my notice. When I find a human being in a female form who has so far perverted her nature, as to leave no traces of sympathy, or kind feelings towards others, but is only arrogant and proud, I feel it my duty to avoid such, and treat them only as fallen beings, still hoping and praying that the lost image of human- ity may be restored, even if it must come at the expense of an Asylum retribution. Your sister in bonds. E. P. W. PACKARD. LOVE YOUE ENEMIES. 187 XLL, "Love your Enemies." Upon reviewing the scenes of yesterday I felt such an im- pulse of thanksgiving for this signal victory of right, that I felt like returning a thank-offering to the Lord for it. And I could find no better way of expressing it, than to try to cul- tivate a forgiving spirit towards Dr. McFarland, by trying to stimulate him in well doing, so that I might have a chance to forgive him on the gospel condition of repentance. There- fore for his encouragement in well doing I penned the follow- ing note and handed it to him, saying, as I did so, " Doctor, I feel that you deserve a certificate of good behavior, will you therefore accept of this from me ?" "A LOVE MESSAGE.' Dr. McFarland, Respected Friend, I feel constrained to as- sure you that the noble stand you took yesterday is secur- ing for you laurels from all true humanity about this house. Its involuntary utterance seems to be in all cases like what Mrs. Coe expressed when I told her of the affair, " good ! for Dr. McFarland ! This is an honorable act I" But this is not the best of it, " "When a man's ways please the Lord, he mak- eth even his enemies to be at peace with him." "Be not weary in well doing, for in due season ye shall reap if ye faint not." Your true friend, E. P."W. PACKARD. As the Doctor opened the note and his eye caught the head- ing, he uttered an exclamation of surprise, and after repeating the heading over twice aloud, he added, ""Who would have thought of Dr. McFarland's receiving a "love message" from Mrs. Packard !" I replied, "it is even so 1 1 am no hypocrite I am a true wo- man, and the love I bestow upon men does not hurt them." " No, it does not," said he. " The truth is, Doctor, I am resolved to risk the exercise 188 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. of a disinterested benevolence, however its legitimate devel- opment may seem to conflict with my selfish interests." Without responding any further he pocketed his note and left me, perhaps to plot some way by which to turn this ex- pression against me. I think I can fully appreciate too the danger which Mrs. Coe pointed out to me in treating the Doctor with " so much civility and kindness even after he has wronged you so much and egregiously." He may I know, by his policy, turn it very much against me, if he is so disposed to pervert it, or misrepresent me. Still, since God's directions are simple and plain on this point, " to love your enemies, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despite- fully use you and persecute you," and my own forgiving na- ture does not conflict with these directions as appplied to the Doctor, I intend to be fearless in using every possible means that love can devise to save him ; for it is to me a far more desirable object to save him than to destroy him ; and so far as he is concerned I do not think my deliverance depends up- on his decision or his action. God's purposes cannot be thwarted by my obeying his directions, although my doing so, may seem to conflict with the selfish policy which my reason may suggest. God commands us to " do good to our enemies," and if I fully obey this direction, I must not only pray for him, but I must act and labor for his welfare. Judging from my own feelings, I do not see how I can really love an enemy and let him go unreproved and unwarned. But perhaps if I hated a human being I might answer the demands of my conscience by simply praying for him; but since I never knew what that feeling was by experience to hate any one, I may not be qualified to judge one who has. My nature prompts me to hate the sin and love the sinner, and my love for the sinner is so genuine and so real, that I can leave no means untried to bring him to see his sins and repent, since I know pardon from his Judge can be bestowed on no other condition. The great- est sin of my life as I now view it, lies in the fact that I have been too ready to forgive the wrong doer, and in my impatience HOW I LOST MY PAPER. 189 to extend my pardon I have sometimes forgiven before I ought to have done so that is, I have forgiven the impenitent in- stead of the penitent, and thus encouraged the transgressor in his sins. But through the discipline of my heavenly Fa- ther I now see my sin in this respect, so that henceforth I shall aim to extend to the impenitent the " love message" of warning and rebuke, and to the truly penitent, the " love message" of encouragement in well doing. To extend for- giveness to the impenitent, degrades ourselves also as guilty accomplices in their iniquities. XLII. How Mr. Packard gaye me Paper, and how I lost it. Mr. Packard visited the Institution twice during the three years his wife was imprisoned in it. But these visits were not designed to comfort and cheer her with the hope of deliv- erance from her prison life at some future time, but to perpetuate it, through his influence over the Superintendent and the Trustees. He visited me in my cell, and saw my companions, the howling, raving maniacs ; and although he feared for his own life while among them, he expressed no fears for his wife's life. He tried to raise his voice so much above the roar of this tempest of human passions and seeth- ing hate, as to make his wife understand that she was under obligations of gratitude to him for replenishing her wardrobe for a longer campaign ! But he failed to make her appreciate this obligation of gratitude due a benefactor, who was only restoring stolen property to its rightful owner. "What obliga- tion am I under to the robber who meets me in the street and robs me of all I have, my watch, and purse, and even my wearing apparel, and then comes and asks me to bestow on him my grateful thanks for presenting me my own wardrobe, as his gift? 190 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Either the tumultuous elements surrounding me, or the lack of capacity within me, or both, prevented my seeing this obligation due him as my benefactor ! My sense of jus- tice will not allow me to thank robbers for gifts which are already my own property ; therefore, this reverend divine was obliged to leave, feeling that he was a much injured man, because his benefactions were so little appreciated by his ungrateful beneficiary ! Although the articles from my ward- robe which he brought to me in the prison, were the most inferior part of it, being in the main, my clothes which I had done wearing myself, and had laid aside for donations to my washerwoman and others more destitute than myself; yet, destitute as I then was, they were in themselves very accept- able, for I had ample time for making new things out of old, and thus I was able to appear in quite a respectable costume for that place. But there was one article he brought me, for which I did really feel so grateful, I could hardly control this emotion by my principles or reason; that is, I felt so instinctively grateful for the large roll of writing paper, envelopes, and stationery he brought me, that I almost spoke my thanks, before reason had had time to give her verdict to the contrary. He saw that my joy was almost boundless, at this most unexpected possession. And as soon as he left, I commenced writing a letter to my children on it, feeling no need of secrecy now; and therefore, when Dr. McFarland caught me quietly using my stationery, he, in astonishment, inquired, "And where did you get your paper ?" "Mr. Packard gave it to me." "How did Mr. Packard come to give you paper?" "I don't know, sir. I suppose, however, he felt that it might be an innocent amusement for me to write here, know- ing I loved to write when I was at home." " How much did he give you?" "Quite a number of sheets." "Let me see it." I then took the roll from under my pillow and handed it to THE WOMAN QUESTION. 191 him, saying, " Here it is." Before this, I had taken out one- half of it, and hid it about my person. I did not tell him of this ! He took the roll, examined it carefully and thought- fully, for some minutes, then putting the whole under .the breast of his coat, he remarked, "I will take charge of this." And he has been true to his word ; for / have been relieved from this charge ever since. But the matter did not stop here. The Superintendent arraigned the Minister as an intruder into his business, and authoritatively demanded of this husband why he had given paper to his wife. The husband replied, he did it for her comfort and amusement. The Superintendent then, after giving the Minister a severe reprimand, finished by the threat, that if he ever attempted to interfere again with his management or discipline of his wife, he should have the lib- erty of taking her away, forthwith ! This terrible threat silenced the Minister into unanswering submission to the superior mandates of the Superintendent over the control of his wife's destiny. XLIH. Dialogues with Dr. McFarland on the Woman Ques- tion. The Doctor has been talking with me to-day upon the feelings I manifested towards my husband. The Doctor asked," Mrs. Packard, do you think it would be considered as natural, for a true woman to meet one who had been a lover and a husband, after one year's separation, even if he had abused her, without one gush of affection ?" " Yes sir, I do say it is the dictates of the higher nature of a woman to do so in my case. He has by his own actions annihilated every particle of respect I have ever felt for his manhood, and thus my higher moral nature instinctively abhors him. To bestow upon such a man a gush of sensual affection, 192 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. would be an insane act in me, inasmuch as it would demon- strate that my lower nature ruled my higher ; whereas san- ity requires that the higher rule the lower. I have obeyed the dictates of my conscience in doing so." "Do you feel sure your's is a right conscience?" "It is one I am willing to go to God's judgment bar with." " Do you believe the bible ?" " Indeed I do, every word of it I it is our sure word of pro- phecy." "Does not the bible require forgiveness?'' " It does, sir, on the ground of repentance, even seventy times seven. But without it, we are not allowed to forgive, lest it harden the offender in his sins. Mr. Packard has nev- er by word or deed intimated that he has done one unjust or wrong deed in treating me as he has done, much less that he is sorry for it, and now for me to treat him as my husband, would be saying to him, " I think you are doing all right in treating me as you are." Thus I should be upholding him in his sins, by thus disregarding God's express directions." Besides, Mr. Packard is not satisfied with branding me as insane, but is trying to defame my virtue also, and he bases this charge upon my benevolent regard for the happiness of others ! ! most cruel man 1 Does he not know that my re- gard for God is superior to all others? Could the sovereign of my higher nature conscience be made the servant instead of the ruler of my lower nature ? Nay, verily, my very na- ture renders it a moral impossibility ! Oh ! how my nature is blasphemed ! My husband has rebelled against the best government in the world, that of Jesus Christ ; who has established the gov- ernment of the individual conscience. He ignores that gov- ernment, by insisting that his own conscience is a safer guide for me than my own. And because I cannot yield to this usurpation he is determined to ruin me. " Rule or ruin" is his motto. If I could only feel as some undeveloped women do, that it is right to give up the responsibility of their own ac- THE WOMAN QUESTION. 193 tjons to their husbands, I could then say " I will do and think as he pleases, since I am a nonentity after marriage !" If God regarded me as the law does, in this respect, 1 couid willingly yield my conscience to get my children. But he does not. He holds me as an entity, subject to his own laws equally with my husband. Therefore I cannot do wrong to get my children. While this sacred right of my nature is ignored by our government, I protest against this usurpation, and claim that my children are mine, by the first right of nature. Neither should my children be allowed to suffer this loss of a mother's care, for this is their God appointed heritage, and no man should dare to alienate their most precious boon of their existence. God has given them to me ; and no law or man has any right to force me from them. I do believe that to have my body roasted at the stake, I should not have suffered a tithe of the anguish my spirit has already suffered by this unnatural sep- aration. I have felt that I could echo the wailings of a mother here, who, with streaming eyes exclaimed, " Oh, I would will- ingly give this house full of gold if I had it, to be with my children!" Whether a married woman can retain her personal identity or not, is the great practical question involved in my case. This great question should be discussed, examined, and placed in the focal light of the present age, so that an intelligent ver- dict may be rendered upon it. My painful experience fur- nishes convincing proof that the agitation of this question has become a practical necessity, for no woman can now develop her higher nature, under the subjective influence of this mari- tal power, without the most fierce heart-rending struggles. God ! guide, direct, control, each and every influence bear- ing upon this momentous subject ! For peace, regardless of justice, is a treacherous sleep, whose waking is death. I 194 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. XLIV, My Family Relatives. Not far from this date I find a copy of a letter I sent to my own dear father in Sunderland, Mass., viz: My Dear Father, Dr. McFarland, the Superintendent, has given me permission to write you a letter. This is the first opportunity I have had to write you. Hitherto all communication with my friends has been denied me, except through my husband. Father, I am entombed here without cause ; but I am try- ing to bear my wrongs as patiently as I can. The suggestion has often been made, that I write you clandestinely, so that you might know how unjustly I am treated, and some have promised to write for me, but as yet I have thought it best to break no rule of the institution. My trust in the rectitude of a divine providence, is still unshaken, notwithstanding the clouds and darkness in which my destiny is inveloped. Yes, my dear Father, your Elizabeth is called to tread a very thorny path. Her road to heaven is through a vast howling wilder- ness, where no rills of earthly comfort are allowed her, to re- fresh her weary fainting spirits. Not only are all the com- forts and blessings of a Christian home denied me, but even my personal liberty already for nearly one whole year has been taken from me through marital usurpation. 0, my Father, how my heart has bled and my soul grieved in agony, at being thus separated from my own flesh and blood my precious children. My own husband has forced me from my God-given charge, and imprisoned me, with no prospect but that it must be life-long, simply for daring to defend what I thought to be truth. He has made out a charge of insanity on this ground alone, while in all my con- duct he can allege nothing against me. I have neglected no duties, have injured no one, have always tried to do unto others as I would wish to be done by ; and yet, here in America, I am imprisoned because I could not say I believed what I did not believe. 0, Father, can't you help me? Can't you take me to your MY FAMILY RELATIVES. 195 own home for a short time, and try me, and see if I am insane? If you feel that you are too old to come yourself, do let broth- er Austin come and see me, at least, and then if he thinks this Asylum is the proper place for me, I will consent to stay. But with no trial, and no chance at self-defence, is it not un- just to leave your only daughter uncared for any longer ? Do, Father, do something, to get justice done to me and my precious children. Your affectionate daughter, ELIZABETH. Dr. McFarland received a reply to the letter to my Father. But not one word of sympathy or comfort for his persecuted daughter ! 0', can it be that my own dear father can turn a deaf ear to the appeal I made to him to "do something?" Yes, 'tis even so, for I have read the whole letter, with Dr. McFarland at my side. He brought it into the hall, and asked me to come and sit by him, when he took out the letter and handed it to me to read. I read it with a throbbing heart; and when I came to the sentence, saying, " he hoped the charities of the Institution might be extended to his insane daughter, as he regarded the Asylum as the most suitable place for her at present," my heart almost sank within me. " 0, Father," thought I, "will you believe the representations of Mr. Packard and the Doc- tor, and disbelieve your own daughter?" Yes, he does; he is determined to let me lie uncared for, believing I am insane, and therefore he is sustaining this conspiracy against me. And he, too, is rich, and asks the charities of this State ! For my father's defence, I will here add, that the Superin- tendent sent with my letter one of his own, which destroyed the influence of mine; and as the Superintendent and the husband both agreed in opinion respecting me. it is not so strange that a man nearly eighty years old, should heed their statements, rather than those of one whom he supposed was insane. He had unbounded confidence in the integrity of his son-in-law, Mr. Packard, and he, of course, concluded that a man sustained by the State must be a reliable man, whose opinion demanded respect and confidence. Therefore, 196 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. instead of coming to my rescue, he sent on one hundred dollars to Mr. Packard, to help him in keeping my imprison- ment perpetuated ! Another fact. Mr Packard succeeded in influencing the Trustees to take me on to their charity list, and then carefully concealed this fact from my father, so that he could beg the more successfully from him, the patri- mony which was my due. Thus he kept my patrimony, and got me supported by the State of Illinois. I am sorry to say that my father sustained this cruel con- spiracy for years, persistently resisting all light, except it came through the medium of the conspirators. But he did this ignorantly, not wilfully ; for I rejoice to add, that when he did see me, in about eighteen months after my liberation, his fatherly feeling so gained the mastery of his bigotry, (he was a minister of the same creed as Mr. Packard,) that he soon saw his mistake, and then he tried to counteract the influence he had encouraged in believing me to be insane. He now fully believed I had never been insane at all, and from that time he has been a father indeed to me. As proof of this assertion, I here give his certificate : "REV. SAMUEL WARE'S CERTIFICATE TO THE PUBLIC. This is to certify that the certificates which have appeared in public, in relation to my daughter's sanity, were given upon the conviction that Mr. Packard's representations respecting her condition were true; and were given wholly upon the au- thority of Mr. Packard's own statements. I do, therefore, hereby certify, that it is now my opinion that Mr. Packard has had no cause for treating my daughter Elizabeth as an insane person. SAMUEL WARE. OLIVE WARE.* Attest "> AUSTIN SOUTH DEERFIELD, August 2, 1866." LETTER TO MY BROTHER, S. WARE, OF BATAVIA, ILLINOIS. INSANE ASYLUM, June 15, 1862. MY DEAR BROTHER : I received a letter from your wife, I think in September, kindly inviting me to come to your *My step mother. My own mother has been dead twenty -four years' MY FAMILY KELATIVES. 197 house upon my leaving the Asylum. Thanks, many thanks, kind brother and sister, for this kind offer, for it is one I can fully appreciate. Yes, your sister Elizabeth has no place on earth she can now call her home, but a prison. And I am not only homeless, but every means possible is used to impress upon my mind the feeling that I am friendless also. But I will not believe it. I know that adversity is the touchstone of friendship, and that sometimes, when we most need the sympathy and aid of friends, we find ourselves utterly forsaken. And I have too much reason to fear that my kindred have all concluded to leave me to the tender mercies of the cruel and disinterested. Yes, a letter, received yesterday, from Father, clearly de- monstrates the fact, that the cause of creeds requires that his daughter be branded with insanity ! Indeed, there was not one word of sympathy, or one love message in it, although I had just sent him a kind letter. My persecution reminds me of father Chinique's experience, when his friends forsook him. because he had forsaken the errors of the Catholic church. So I, when, from the clearest convictions of conscience, for- sook and exposed the errors of our church, and endorsed some truths found in the Methodist, the Baptist, the Unitarian, the Universalist, the Catholic, and other denominations; in short, when I endorsed the Truth, instead of Presbyterianism, for my creed, all my former friends almost, seemed to regard this ex- tension of charity to other denominations, as an unpardonable offence, deserving eternal banishment from them and all civil- ized society I This is the penalty I am called to bear, for the crime of becoming a self-reliant thinker, and tolerant Christian in the Presbyterian church. This Institution, my friends, and the church, may hold me on this rack of insanity as long as they choose ; I shall hold myself in defiance of them all, an independent thinker, and a charitable Christian. And too, I shall be all the more independent, on account of this opposition. I used to have an unbounded respect and reverence, almost, for Theologians and Doctors of Divinity : but I am happy to say, that now I have more respect for my own individuality, than for them all. 198 TH PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. To you, my dear brother and sister, this may seem like an arrogant spirit ; but it is not. I do not say, like these Theologians, that my opinion is the standard for any other individual ; but, on the contrary, I say it is not. No other individual in the whole world is to be judged by this standard of belief but myself. Therefore, it would be arrogant in me to try to get you, or any other one, to adopt my standard as their own. God requires of you the same individuality that he is developing in me. God grant that you may be saved the fiery furnace I am compelled to go through to bring it out. I do not know where these things are to end, but my trust in God is lifting my soul above all anxiety or fear of evil. If you can do anything for me, do it, and you shall have my most grateful thanks forever. Your loving sister, ELIZABETH. I have no reason to think this letter was ever sent. Like my other letters generally, the Doctor otherwise disposed of it. And here it may be due my two brothers to state, that they both, like my father, sustained this conspiracy for too long a time, through the misrepresentations of Mr. Packard. But like him, they did it ignorantly, not wilfully; for just as soon as they saw me, and had an opportunity to judge for them- selves, they both became my valiant defenders, both publicly and privately, and have ever since seemed determined, by their extra kindness to me, to make all the restitution the gospel requires, as evidence of sincere repentance. Of course, I have long since, most freely forgiven them, for to me, they are like what Lazarus was to his sisters, " raised from the dead." This temporary death of their natural affec- tions seems to have been quickened into a new, higher, deep- er, and tenderer love for me than ever before. But to sister Mary, my brother Samuel's wife, is due the highest compliment, for she is one of the precious few who escaped the psychological influence of this learned and pop- ular minister, my husband, in that he could never, for one moment, convince her that I was an insane person. She, MKS. TIMMONS. 199 with my adopted sister, Mrs. Angeline Field, of Granville, Illinois, both stood erect before this minister, on their version of his statements, in maintaining their own individual opin- ions respecting my sanity. But sister Angeline, I am happy to say, had her husband, Mr. David Field, to encourage and sustain her in defending my sanity; while sister Mary had her husband to combat, in defending me. XLV. Old Mrs. Timmons Deserted by Her Children. This lady was brought to the Asylum about one year and a half before I left. For several months she occupied the same ward with me, and from the day she was entered she was my daily companion. I took pleasure in her society as she seemed perfectly sane, and sorely afflicted at the fact that her friends would not let her remain with them at home. She was above sixty years of age, but showed no signs of prema- ture old age or ill health. The longer I saw her, the greater was my astonishment that she should be called insane. From her I learned the reason she was imprisoned was, that one night she got up in a sonambulic state and went to her son's bed, and inflicted two blows upon his cheek with an axe. This her friends regarded as evidence of insanity, although she had no recollection or knowledge of doing so. This son brought her to the Asylum, and the dreadful scar on his cheek authenticated her statement. She always ex- pressed the keenest sorrow and the most true penitence for having done this dreadful deed, for this was her favorite son. She was willing to do anything possible to atone for it, if she could but live at home with her dear children. She begged to be locked up nights by herself, lest she do an injury again to some one, but she could not bear to be put into this terri- ble place to spend her days as a criminal, when no one regret- 200 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. ted the deed being done more than herself. The thought of having thus harmed her darling child was agony enough, as she thought, to make atonement for the deed, without suffer- ing this awful penalty. Mrs. Timmonshad already endured one term of nine months imprisonment for this act, in an Asylum in Indianapolis, where she assured me the inmates were treated no better than they are at Jacksonsonville, and her friends knew that she had much rather be buried than to be put into another such insti- tution. Yet, they could tell her she was not going into an Asylum, but only going to consult a physician about her health, and thus they decoyed her behind another "dead lock," to be free no more ! As I listened to her expression of hopeless agony uttered when sure the Doctor could not hear, I could not but feel that the custom of professedly barbarous nations, which allows the aged and infirm to be left in the woods to be eaten by wild beasts, was not so barbarous a custom as this mode of disposing of unwelcome citizens, which the civilization of the nineteenth century has rendered popular ; for the lin- gering protracted tortures of dying in this institution, are far more to be dreaded than the shorter quicker mode of being devoured by wild beasts . Indeed , I often heard this distressed woman express this preference in these words, " 0, if Icould only live under a fence, for my home, rather than here, I would rejoice in the exchange ! anything or everything would I give for my liberty ! any death would be sweet to such a life as this 1" And yet this is a Christian institution ! Her maternal feelings reached such a pitch of agony that it was to relieve her I consented to write the following letter for her, which I sent to her friends on my "underground ex- press" April 26, 1862. "INSANE ASYLUM, January 29, 1862. My Dear Children: My heart is almost broken in conse- quence of the course you have taken towards me. Do write and explain yourselves, or what would be better, come and tell me, for as I now feel, it seems to- me I shall soon grieve myself to death. Why could you not take care of your poor MBS. TIMMONS; 201 afflicted mother yourselves^ arid not again trust me with strangers where you know I have suffered so much. 0, do tell me why you have treated me so. You know I told you I was willing to live in a room by myself, locked up both day and night if you were afraid of me, if. you would only let me live at home and take care of me yourselves. You know too I have always done just as you told me with- out objecting in the least, and now how can you put me off so again? Did not John tell me he had forgiven me for injur- ing him? and have I ever attempted to injure any one else ? Is it not punishing me more than I deserve to imprison me twice for the same thing, when you say I was not to blame for doing it as I did ? You treat me worse than if I was a convict, for they do not deceive them, but tell them plainly, what they imprison them for, and for how long a time they must bear their pun- ishment. But this time you did not even tell me why you imprisoned me, nor do I know that you ever intend to trust me with you again! 0, I shall die of grief before long, unless you do something to alleviate my heart sorrows. I could not treat you as you have me, and 0, how could you punish me so severely for doing a sinless act? 0, children, am I in danger of perpetuating my imprison- ment by revealing to you the inmost feelings of my heart? If so, what shall I do ? If my own children will not relieve their agonized mother, when it is so easy for them to do so, by simply taking me home, I do not know what I shall do. The hope that you will do so as soon as you consistently can, after getting this letter, will sustain me, till then, and when that hope is gone it seems to me I shall die truly. Do not delay one day, for you can not imagine how long time seems here ; one day seems like a month elsewhere. It is not that I am abused physically, for I am not. It is not this which causes my suffering, but the thought of your treating your old mother as you are which is killing me. Yes killing me ! For, my sake do not let the Doctor know of my sending you this letter. Your Mother. 12 M. A. TIMMONS." 202 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. But I am sorry to say that her relatives, did let the Doctor know of it, and did nothing else to relieve her ! The Doctor then removed her to another ward to cut off her commuica- tion with me, suspecting that I had helped, in some way, to get her letter out. I retained a copy of this letter in my jour- nal, and give it to the public- that my readers may see what feelings the Asylum discipline produces. Is it right to thus punish for a misfortune ? Her children came to visit her-twice while I was there, and although they found her working like a slave for the Asylum and Dr. McFarland's family, and never having shown the least abberration of mind, they would leave her, with the promise that just as soon as they could get a room prepared for her in the new house, they were building with her own money, (they were rich) they would take her home. They told her the room would be ready in about three weeks, and although nearly six years have already elapsed, this promise remains unful- filled ! The mother who bore them and earned for them the comforts of their own homes, is still left to pine away, a prisoner's life of rayless comfort, doing the cooking in the Doctor's kitchen. When these children become old and gray headed, how will they like to have their children treat them as they are treating their mother? " With what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.". XLYI. Mrs. Cheneworth's Suicide Medical abuse. Mrs. Chene worth hung herself in her own room, after retiring from the dancing party, last night. Her measure of grace was not sufficient to enable her to bear the accumulated burdens of her hard fate any longer, without driving her to desperation. I can not blame her for deliberately preferring death, to such a life as she has been experiencing in this Asylum. She has literally been driven to it by abuse. She was entered in my ward, where she remained for sev- MRS. CHENEWORTH. 203 eral weeks, when she was removed to the lowest ward, where she has been murdered by slow tortures. If this Institution is not responsible for the life of Mrs. Cheneworth, then I don't know what murder is. She was evidently insane when she entered ; she was not responsible, although her reason was not entirely dethroned. Her moral nature was keenly sensitive ; her power of self-control was crushed by disease and medical maltreatment. She resisted until she evidently saw it was useless to expect justice, and was just crushed be- neath this powerful despotism. She was a lovely woman, fitted both by nature and educa- tion to be an ornament to society and her family. Gentle and confiding, with a high sense of honor and self-respect, she despised all degrading associations. From her own rep- resentations, I inferred she had been the pet and pride of her parents a kind of household god in her father's family. Under these benign influences, her virtues were fostered, and she had the satisfaction of being loved and appreciated. She had been quite a belle, and finally from her many admirers, she married one of her own, but not of her parents' choice. In him she seemed to have found everything her heart could desire. He both loved and appreciated her, as well he might. She was small, delicately and gracefully formed, and peculiarly ladylike in her manners. She was a most accomplished dan- cer, having been trained in the school of the best French dancers in the country. Her complexion white and clear, with regular features, black, but mild and tender eyes, her' hair was long, black, and beautiful. In short, she was a little, beautiful, fawn-like creature, when she came to this Institu- tion. She had been here a short time once before, after the birth of her first child ; and from her account I inferred that her restoration to reason was not then attended with the grim spectre of horrors which must have inevitably accompanied this. She had left a young babe, this time, which her physician advised her to wean, since she was now in a delicate condi- tion. Thus her overtasked physical nature, abused as it was 204 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. by bad medical treatment, added to the double burden she was called to endure, could not sustain the balance of her mental faculties. Her nerves were unstrung, and lost their natural tone by the influence of opium, that most deadly foe of nature, which evidently caused her insanity. The opium was expected to operate as a quietus to her then excited nervous system ; but instead of this, it only increased her nervous irritability. The amount was then increased, and this course persisted in, until her system became drunk, as it were, by its influence. The effect produced was like that of excessive drinking, when it causes delirium tremens. Thus she became a victim to that absurd practice of the medical profession, which depends upon poisons instead of nature to cure disease. It is not natural to cure disease by creating disease. To poison nature, is not the natural way to eradicate poison from the system. To load nature with additional burdens, is not the way to lighten its burdens. But common sense dictates that the natural way to aid nature in throwing off her dis- eases, is to strengthen the powers of healing, and thereby directly assist her in curing disease. And nature's energies are strengthened, renewed and nourished by rest, quiet, sleep, food, air, cleanliness, freedom, exercise, etc.; and medical skill consists in adapting these agencies to their peculiar functions, so that the special want of nature may be met by its natural supply. What Mrs. Cheneworth wanted was, the nourishment of her exhausted physical nature, by rest, food, air, and exer- cise. She did not need to have the powers of her system thrown into confusion by taxing them with poisons, which nature must either counteract and resist, or be overcome by them, and sink into death. Nature was importuning for help to bear her burdens, being already overtasked. But instead of listening to these demands, her blinded friends allowed her to be thus medically abused. After having suffered her to receive this treatment, and thus brought into a still worse condition an insane state when more than ever she needed MRS. CHENEWORTH. 205 help and the most tender, watchful care; then to be cast off in her helplessness upon strangers, who knew nothing of her character, her habits, her propensities, her cravings, her dis- position, or her constitution; how could they reasonably expect her to thus receive the care necessary to her recov- ery? They probably did expect it, and on this false expec- tation placed her here for appropriate medical treatment. What a delusion the world is laboring under, to expect such treatment here ! Did they but know the truth, they would find that ail the "medical treatment" they get here, is to lock them up ! and thus having hidden them from obser- vation, and cut them off from all communication with their friends, they then inflict upon them what they consider con- dign punishment for being insane ! Why can not their friends bestow upon them this " medical treatment" at home, without the expense of sending them to this Asylum to get it? This is the sum and substance of all the " treatment " they get here, which they could not get at home that is, they could not get this treatment from reasonable friends, any where, out- side of these inquisitorial institutions. How doleful is this purgatory ! thus legally upheld for the punishment of the in- nocent! Great God ! Is this Institution located within the province of thy just government ? or is this Satan's seat, that has not yet been subjected to thy omnipotent power? Mrs. Cheneworth is only one among many, many others which her case represents. During the few weeks she was in my ward, after she first came, she was kindly treated. Perhaps her own parents could not have done better by her, than did Miss Tomlin and Miss McKelva, so far as their lim- ited powers extended. They could not grant her that liberty and freedom she so panted for, nor could they gratify her longings to see her own offspring, and bestow upon them the love of her maternal heart ; nor could they bring to her the sympathy of her fond mother, for which she so ardently longed; neither could they summon to her side her husband her chosen protector who had sworn before God never to forsake her in sickness or in health, although it was hor most 206 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. earnest wish that he might come and see for himself, her con- dition. No, neither of these influences could these attend- ants summon for her relief or benefit ; but so far as the ward duties extended, they did as well by her as they could. I never saw either of them get the least angry or impatient towards her, although she tried them exceedingly by her an- tics. They seemed to feel that instead of getting angry at an insane person, they were placed here to "bear the in- firmities of the weak, and not to please themselves." Yes I feel that they have nothing to dread in the revelations of Mrs. Cheneworth's Asylum discipline. Of each of them I trust the Judge will say, " she hath done what she could" for her suffering sister. These attendants are highly cultivated, well developed women, who could enter into Mrs. Chene- worths feelings, and sympathise with her in her trials. They not only knew how to treat her nature, but their principles controlled their feelings, so that her trials might not be in- creased by any injudicious act on their part. Neither did they seem to despise her for being so sorely afflicted, but pitied and longed to help her. Alas ! for poor Mrs. Cheneworth ! her days for reasonable treatment expired when she was removed to the lowest ward, and consigned to the care of Elizabeth Bonner. This attend- ant was a perfect contrast to her former attendants in charac- ter, disposition, and habits. She was a large, coarse, stout Irish woman, stronger than most men ; of quick temper, very easily thrown off its balance, when, for the time being, she would be a perfect demon, lost to all traces of humanity. Her manners were very coarse and masculine, a loud and boisterous talker, and a great liar, with no education, and could neither read nor write. To this vile ignorant woman was Mrs. Cheneworth entrust- ed, to treat her just as her own feelings dictated. Miss Bon- ner's first object was to " subdue her," that is, to break down her aspiring feelings, and bring her into a state of cringing submission to her dictation. Here was a contest between her naturally refined instincts, and Miss Bonner's unrefined and MRS. CHENE WORTH. 207 coarse nature. Any manifestation of the lady-like nature of Mrs. Cheneworth, was met by its opposite in Miss Bonner's servant-like nature and position, and she must lord it over this gentle lady. The position of the latter, as a boarder, must at her beck, be exchanged, by her being made to feel that she was nothing but a slave and menial. If she ventured to re- monstrate against this wanton usurpation of authority over her, she could only expect to receive physical abuse, such as she was poorly able to bear. And I the black tale of wrongs and cruel tortures this tender woman experienced at the hand of this giant like tyrant no tongue or pen can ever describe ! She was choked, pounded, kicked, and plunged under water, until well nigh strangled to death. Mrs. Coe assured me this was only a specimen of the kind of treatment all were liable to receive at her hands, since she claimed that this was the way to cure them ! and this she insisted upon, was what she was put here to do. Being strong, she was peculiarly adapted to her place, since no woman or man could grapple with her suc- cessfully. This is the attendant who so often made it her boast that Dr. McFarland let her do with the patients just as she chose that her judgement, her feelings, and her temper could be trusted in all cases ! 0, what is thereof injury and physical abuse that this institution will not have to answer for, which has not been inflicted by brutal attendants ; while Dr. Mc- Farland has sustained them by knowingly approving of these things ? I do not believe the Trustees would knowingly ap- prove of these things. But Dr. McFarland's statements are regarded by them as infallibly correct, and as he represents the treatment here bestowed upon the patient, they doubtless feel confident that they are humanely treated. But did they know, what I know, I believe they would disapprove of it, and not like Dr. McFarland, try to cover it up, lest the inter- ests of the institution be jeopardized by the investigation. The facts I have already placed before them in a written form, would of themselves arouse their interest and summon their immediate investigation, did they not, so implicitly rely upon 208 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. the Doctor's contradiction as proof of their fallacy ! In this way they are believing lies, and under this delusion, they are not only winking at iniquities, but publicly sustaining them. It is in their power to ascertain the truth, did they feel deter- mined to know for themselves. But this investigation would be attended with more trouble and inconvenience than it is to let it go on. and thereby these slothful servants of the public are justly held responsible for the wickedness of this house. 0, what will the end be ? 0, sword ! awake for our defense and deliver us out of the hands of our persecutors ! Poor Mrs. Cheneworth could not await this retribution, but was driven to seek the only defense within her reach, death, yes death, the most dreaded of all evils, was chosen rather than such a life as she was doomed to endure under the rule ot this in- quisition. I can not, no, I cannot blame her for killing her- self. I do not think God will blame her. She was like one who deliberately rushed into the flames^ to escape the barbed arrows of an invincible foe. She only chose the quicker, rather than the lingering, agonizing death, to which she seem- ed inevitably doomed to suffer, at the hands of Elizabeth Bonner. The last time I saw Mrs. Cheneworth was at the dance, after which she hung herself, being found suspended from the upper part of her window by the facing of her dress. I never saw a person so changed. I did not know her when Miss Bonner introduced me to her that evening. 0, such a hag- gard look ! such despair and wretchedness as her countenance reflected, I have never witnessed. My feelings were touched. I asked her to go with me, and putting my arm around her waist, she walked with me across the ward to the window looking South. Here we conversed confidentially, freely. She said, " 0, Mrs. Packard, I have suffered everything but death since we were parted !" "But how has your face become so disfigured by sores, and what causes your eyes to be so inflamed?" "I fainted, and fell down stairs, and they poured camphor so profusely over my face, and into my eyes and ears, that I v-- Q> j n c^T-vr- -x UO T^~, 'Ven blind and deaf for somo time." MRS. CHENEWORTH. 209 I do not know whether her chin, which was red and raw, was thus caused or not. She said the fall had caused her to miscarry, and thus, thought I, you have had to bear this burden in addition to the load of sorrows already heaped upon your tender, weak person. Said I, "Have you any hope of getting out of this place of ever being taken to your friends?" "No 1 none at all ! Hopeless, endless torment is all that is before me ! 0, if I could only get out of this place, I would walk to my father's house. It is only fourteen miles south, here," pointing out of the window, "but 0, these iron bars 1 I can not escape through them." How I did pity her ! But I could only say, as I do to oth- ers, " Do try to be patient as you can ; for I do hope this house will not long stand, and that in its destruction, we may be delivered out of this place of torment." I had no other tangible hope to offer her drooping heart, already deadly sick from hope too long deferred. She said, "I wish I could get into the ward with you ; I will ask Dr. McFarland, to-morrow, to remove me there." " Alas ! " thought I, " no request of yours will be heeded, as a source of relief to you ; for it is not to relieve, but to torment you, that you are kept here. 0, could I but inform your parents of their dear daughter's sad fate, surely they would come to your rescue." Then I thought of the letter I had sent to Mrs. Timmons' friends in her behalf, and how, like deaf adders, they would not hear, or would not believe my statements, unless endorsed by Dr. McFarland. I turned away, sick at heart, at sight of woes I could not mitigate or remove. 0, when will the prisoner's bonds be loosed and the lawful captive be delivered? Notwithstanding, I think I offered to intercede for her, while, at the same time, I knew it would be utterly fruitless, as I have so often tried reason, argument and entreaty, only to find it useless. "Yes, Sister, I can not but congratulate you on what I believe to be your happy exchange ; for 1 do not think you can find, in all the universe, a worse place of torment than you found here. May'st thou find that rest in death that was denied thee on earth I " 210 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Here we leave Mrs. Cheneworth, and turn with sorrowing hearts, to the group of bereaved ones at home those fondly loved ones, who have thus been called to lay upon the altar of sacrifice, this precious victim. 0, could you have forseen her sad fate, would you thus willingly have laid her upon such an altar? No, you would not. You could not, and lay claim to your humanity. You are not hard hearted and cruel to- wards this loved idol of your fondest affections. No, you would have cherished her with the tenderest care at home, had you thought it would have promoted her best good. Your hearts, I doubt not, wept the bitterest tears at the thought of being compelled to place her in an Insane Asylum. But these tears could not remove the necessity which you felt you had for so doing. Had you not reason in your own mind for believing that Insane Asylums were established for the benefit of the insane? Did you not suppose they had a competent medical faculty there, who knew better than your- selves, how to treat such cases? Yes, so you thought, as you ought to have had reason to think. But alas I for a blinded public ! Alas ! for man who is placed under an irresponsible human power. Such power, man is not fitted to be trusted with. Despotism too soon usurps the rule of reason and kindness, and might takes the place of right. Authority supplants kindness, truth, and honesty. After this love of domineering has once taken possession of the human soul, it can only be held by sinister, artful policy. Helplessness, weakness, and dependence are the virgin soil where tyranny and despotism hold their most resistless sway. But under the influence of our free govern- ment, power would probably cope with it successfully ; there- fore its policy consists in cutting off these victims from access to any power by which they would be exposed and dethroned. Therefore, they not only prevent communications with their friends while here, but forestall their confidence in their state- ments after 'they get out, assuring them they were so insane while here that they can not report correctly, and therefore their representations must be listened to as mere phantoms of CHANGES. 211 a diseased imagination. Therefore, their friends hear as though they heard not. But the hitherto blinded public can no longer plead igno- rance as an excuse for not grappling successfully with this legalized despostism. No; the Legislature of this State are already informed, through their own Committee, of the im- perative need of such enactments, as shall hereafter forever prevent such abuse of power, by any future Superintendent, as their present incumbent is found to be notoriously guilty of. XLYII Changes, and how brought abont. After occupying the old Eighth ward about a year, we were all summarily ordered to move into the new Eighth. During the summer of 1861, this new and airy part of the building was my home, although the patients were not materially changed in character. Again, in the last of the autumn, we were all moved into the old Seventh. Now the class of pa- tients was changed to a more quiet class, and some of them, like Mrs. Timmons, sane and intelligent. Besides, we were now taking our meals in the dining room of the new Sev- enth the class of prisoners I associated with, the first four months. .1 felt that I was in the region of the intelligent world again, for part of the occupants of the new Seventh, were just as sane as most boarding school girls, or hotel boarders, generally. I seldom saw anything here, that would, outside of an Asylum, be considered insanity, or anything like it. I can assure my reader that I was fully prepared to appre- ciate a return to civilized society, and this change was, there- fore, to me a harbinger of good things. I could talk with my old associates at the other table, while at the table, and our fare and table arrangements were much alike now, which, of course, was a great improvement on our former -+~ l - T 212 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. was allowed a good room by myself, and this being the first time for one year I had enjoyed this privilege, I felt that I had much to be thankful for. Another change affecting my prison life, took place about two months after Miss M got permission to take me to ride, which occasioned the prison doors to be closed entirely upon me. I felt it my duty to- enter a protest against my imprisonment, and in doing so, I asked Dr. Sturtevant, our Chaplain, to be my witness in the reception room. It was Sabbath, after chapel service that I went to him and asked him to meet me in the reception room. He consented, and we parted, he going down with Dr. McFarland and Dr. Tenny one flight of stairs, while I went down the opposite. When I was about two thirds of the way down, Dr. McFarland met me, and seizing my arm, ordered me back to my ward. I remained motionless. He then applied force, saying, " Have you no feet ?" "I have no feet to walk into prison with," said I. He then tried to drag me back ; but when he saw Dr. Sturtevant looking at us, he let go his hold of my arm, and I dropped from his grasp upon the floor below. He followed, and passed me without speaking, and joined Dr. Sturtevant and Dr. Tenny, where, after a short consultation, they passed down the stairs, while I still sat upon the floor. The fall had so stunned me, that for a few moments I hardly knew whether I could rise or not, but when I saw the three men who ought to be my protectors, and helpers, under such circumstances forsake me, I began to try my powers of self-dependence, and found I could not only rise myself, but could also stand alone too, without a man to lean upon! Strong in my own self- reliant strength, I hastened to meet my appointment with our chaplain in the reception room below, but found no one there. Nothing daunted by this failure on Dr. Sturtevant's part, I walked into the office and met the whole trio there. But for some unknown cause, Dr. McFarland seemed unwilling to face me, but, coward like, shall I say? fled out of my presence. The other two gentlemen did not run away, but looked me full CHANGES. 213 in the face, while I entered my protest in the following language : '' I have a right to my liberty ! sfo law in the United States holds me legally imprisoned ! I assert this right I shall never return a voluntary prisoner to my cell!" Turning to Dr. McFarland, who now stood in the door- way, I said, "You, Dr. McFarland, have might to put me there, but no right. I assert my rights from principle. I believe God requires me to take this stand. I am immovable in my purpose. You can carry me to the ward with the help of two of your men, and I have no one to defend me against this power. I shall offer no resistance to physical force. Use it if you dare I You do so at your peril." Then handing him a letter, I said, "I request you to stamp and mail this business letter, unread, to my son. This step is preparatory to a legal defence of my rights at the bar of my country." Then turning to Dr. Sturtevant I said, " Will you, Sir, stand my witness that I now assert my rights, and therefore, am henceforth an involuntary prisoner here?" He replied, "I am your witness." " Now, Sir, my business with you is done, unless you wish to witness my forced return to my ward." The carriage had been some time waiting for him at the door, therefore after asking me to excuse him, he left. Dr. McFarland then said, "Are you going to compel us to put you back into the ward ?" "I shall never return a voluntary prisoner to my cell." "Then I must get a porter to take you back;" and he went for his porter, and soon returned with a strong burly Irishman, Mr. Bonner, to whom he said, "I want you to take this lady up to the Eighth ward, she don't seem disposed to walk back." He then took me up in his arms, but finding my weight too much for him, I suggested that they take me on a chair, and Dr. Tenny take hold with him This plan worked well, and I was therefore transported up two flights of stairs in this manner, preceded by the Doctor, who unlocked the prison door to receive the prisoner and no one could ever after say 214 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. that I was a voluntary prisoner in Jacksonville Insane Asy- lum ; for from that time I never returned a voluntary prisoner to my ward. The Doctor also forbid my attending chapel service after that, so that I never was allowed to step my foot on the ground until I was discharged. I never regretted taking this step, as now I had done all I could do to get my liberty, and having entered my protest, I was thus exonerated from all responsibility, as in any way a willing accomplice in the conspiracy. There is one point in connection with this transaction, worthy of note that is, that my falling down stairs as I did, is, in Dr. McFarland's estimation, evidence of insanity in me; and he also maintains that this is the only insane act he de- tected in me, during all my three years imprisonment ! Now I think there was more evidence of insanity in Dr. McFar- land's conduct in this transaction, than there was in mine. He ought not to have left one of his prisoners in my condi- tion, until he had so much as inquired whether I could rise or not. He did not know but my bones were so broken that I could not. I think the Doctor's conduct was ungentlemanly to say the least, to treat a sane lady like myself, in this man- ner, and even if I had been insane, it would have been no excuse for this unmanly conduct towards one whom he claimed as his patient. The final change I experienced, was in being removed from the old Seventh to the old Eighth again, after having enjoyed the privileges of civilized society for a few weeks. This, my second consignment to the maniac's ward, was in the fol- lowing manner, as I find it recorded in my journal. NO SURRENDER. 215 XLVIII. My Battle with Despotism No Surrender. The Doctor has to-day assigned me again to the Eighth ward, against my wishes. Since entering my protest against prison life, no rule of the house is binding upon my conscience, still, hitherto I have thought it best to break none in open defiance of the powers that be, only in getting paper and pencils, when and where I could, and in sending letters on my "Underground Express." But this unreasonable sentence, or mandate I felt conscience bound to resist, and I have done so from settled principle. I claim the right of a reasonable being, in being influenced in, and through my reason, and henceforth, throughout my whole life, I am fully resolved to resist all dictation, coming in the form of despotic mandates in defiance of reason. My first battle with despotism was now to be fought in re- sistance to this unreasonable command. Had the Doctor given me one reason why he wished me returned to the maniac's ward, I would have been satisfied to obey his com- mand, even if I did not see the propriety of his reason. But he did not, even when I asked for one. The facts were these. One day, after quietly enjoying my new surroundings for a few short weeks, the Doctor came to my room and in a very quiet pleasant tone remarked, "Mrs. Packard, I have given your letter to Mr. Russell, and the reply will depend upon him and his decision." "Thank you, Dr. McFarland." He then said, "Mrs. Packard, I have been making new arrangements I have fitted up the ward above you clean and nice, and I am to occupy it with a quiet class of patients, with Miss Smith and Miss Bailey for attendants ; I have thought it best to have you go and occupy the room above yours." That room was a screen-room ! I replied, " I did request to go to the new Eighth, to my airy, corner room, that I might have the benefit of purer air, 216 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. since I am now so closely confined within doors, but I do not wish to go into the ward you assign me, because Miss Smith is a cruel attendant, and lam becoming so extremely sensitive to wrong and abuse, that I can not, nor shall not, witness it without interference, even if you put me into fetters for it." Here he remarked, " Perhaps you might benefit her do her good." "Perhaps I might I have thought of that ; still, I feel that I owe a duty to myself, also." Here he passed on, simply remarking, "I have decided to have you go." "And I have decided not to go ! It will be merely an act of brute force on your part that puts me there. It is a re- quirement of despotism, and I am conscience bound to resist it." Mrs. Page, one of the sane prisoners, said to me when the Doctor was out of hearing, " It is your duty to yield to des- potism, if it is Beelzebub himself who issues the command, if it comes in man form !" But Mrs. Page and I differ in opinion on that point. I agree to yield to reason every- where to despotism nowhere. The attendants from the Eighth ward soon called for me. I declined going, and related the above conversation with the Doctor. Miss Smith replied, "I do not abuse the patients the charge is a false one." " I hope it is; Miss Clauson says she thinks you are trying to do as well as you know how, and I hope you have improved. Mrs. McFarland told me she disliked the way you treated the patients, and she wished you were away ; but she added, 'she is good to the sick, and I wish to give her all the credit sho deserves.' But should we be together," I added, " I can assure you, I shall be a true friend to you I shall respect and honor your conscience I shall defend the abused and the wronged everywhere, whether attendant or patient." They replied, "We shall not, of course, force you to go with us," and went to report me to the Doctor. Next, Dr. Tenny was sent, to try what influence he could NO SURRENDER. 217 have over me. I told him that "I could not see why the Doc- tor could not treat me as gentlemanly as he had of late begun to treat the maniacs, in asking them civilly, whether they were willing to go to another ward; and he has, to my knowl- edge, left it to their own wishes to decide this question. I know this is a great progressive step for him to take in the right direction, but why should I be singled out just now as an exception to this new era of events ? Despotism is making another attack for mastery over his better nature, and he ought to be restrained, for he has no moral right to rule a re- sponsible moral agent, except through their reason. For his good, as well as my own, I shall never submit to his rule over me in any other manner." Dr. Tenny replied, "He can not be governed by the wishes of the patients. It is my opinion you had better go." "It is my opinion I had better not go. So we differ in opin- ion here." Mrs. McFarland next came, and tried to influence me to go voluntarily. I remained firm. Many of my friends about the house, and my companions in the new Seventh ward tried to induce me to give up to the Doctor, and as I gave my rea- sons to one Mrs. Farnside, she remarked, "Well, suffer it to be so now." About eleven o'clock the next day, Dr. McFarland with twp of his porters, entered my room while I was packing my trunk to be transported. The Doctor very politely asked me if I would not go up myself. I replied, "No Sir ! I refuse from principle. I regard your order as an act of despotism, which I can not conscientiously countenance. " "Very well," and turning to the porters he said, "You take this lady up very gently, and carefully, don't hurt her, and carry her to her room." "Thank you, Doctor, for your kind cautions to handle me gently, for I am not as well as usual to-day, although better than I was early this morning. Can I finish packing my trunk ?" "Yes, yes, certainly. Your things shall all be taken -are of." K 218 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. At my suggestion, the porters then formed a "saddle-seat" with their hands, upon which I sat, with my hands upon their shoulders, and thus they transported me very gently and safely to the upper ward, followed by the Doctor, and preceded by Miss Gerta DeLaHay. When within the limits of the ward, I said to my guard, "I can walk now I will not burden you any further." I then thanked them for carrying me so gently, and turning to Dr. McFarland, I inquired, "Can these men bring up my trunk ?" "Yes, certainly, you shall have all your things." The Doctor was true to his word I had all my things re- moved with me to this ward. As the Doctor left with his porter I remarked to my attend- ants " the Doctor can do a mean thing in the most alert gentlemanly manner possible. But I am determined to be a match for him in playing ' the lady' as far as he did ' the gentleman.' His manner reminds me of Mrs. Waldo's remark, ' do the thing in a Christian spirit, and all will be right 1' But I think it is as impossible to do a wicked act in a Christian spirit' as it would be to murder or steal with a Christian spirit. Now I am under your care, and I have not sinned in coming, for the act was not mine, but Dr. McFar- land's, therefore, I hope to enjoy the smiles of an approving conscience, here as well as elsewhere. Will you now intro- duce me to my new associates ?" Miss Bailey replied, " Mrs. Packard, I do not think there is a patient in this hall who can answer a rational question in a rational manner." "I will not trouble you then to introduce me. Where is my room?" She then showed me the screen-room the Doctor had as- signed me. My attendants were amazed at this appointment and insisted there must be a mistake. But I told them this was the room above mine, and I should obey his orders in taking it. But before my carpet was cleaned and brought, Miss Smith had inquired of the Doctor why he had given me a screen-room, when the astonished Doctor, said he did not GOOD FKOM EVIL. 219 know it was a screen-room, and directed her to let me have my choice of all the rooms in the hall. I accordingly chose a pleasant front room, which I occupied until I was discharged. I was allowed one favor here which had before been scrupulously denied me, during my prison life, and that was to have the liberty of closing the door of my room in the day time. I was never locked in my room nights, by any attendant after I had a room by myself. This too was a rare favor. As the Doctor has said, he had a quiet class of patients in this hall, so that with my closed door, I had a nice quiet place to write "The Great Drama," which was written in this room. The way in which this came to be written will appear in its proper place. XLIX. Good comes of Seeming Evil. I am now quietly settled in my new quarters. My pros- pects for quiet, rest and study, were never brighter. So true it is, that good comes out of seeming evil. The darkest prov- idences are often the stepping stone to prospective good. I have indeed been crucified again. The cross I have been hung upon, although by some, is regarded with contempt, yet like the scars the noble soldiers receive in battles, for the de- fense of their country, are yet, to be looked upon in their true light. I have had a battle against the rule of despotism here I did not surrender, neither was I conquered. Though the thing aimed at was accomplished, yet the power of despotism here is weakened more by the triumph than it could have been by the defeat. Miss Mattie Shelton, one of my attendants in the old Sev- enth said to me, " I can't blame you for doing as you do, we are all ruled with rigor here." 220 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. "It is true that all who will submit to be trod upon, will surely be thus subjected. I shall stand on my own self-defense, and so must all who stand here. I hope Dr. McFarland will never try to rule an intelligent woman with force again." "Miss Johnston, attendant in the new Seventh says, "Mrs. Packard, you are strong both in mind and body, so you can bear this crucifixion better than a weaker subject could." "If lean help woman by suffering in her stead, I will re- joice in my sorrows." Under this date I find a copy of a letter I handed to Dr. McFarland, the first time he called upon me after my re- moval, as follows : DK. MCFARLAND : My heart is full, and I dare not attempt the verbal utterance of its deep emotions, lest I fail in this form, to give you a free and adequate expression of them. Therefore, pardon the intrusion of one more 'note upon your notice. Dr. McFarland, I love and respect your manly na- ture ; and inasmuch, as my love is genuine, just in that pro- portion am I grieved to see it eclipsed. The brighter the orb, the more conspicuous are its spots. The sun darkened ! Can there be a more fit emblem of earthly dreariness ? "What would an earth life be worth to woman with the manhood eclipsed? Let man, to whom woman clings so instinctively, become perverted, so as to persecute, instead of protect her, and she feels that the sun of her life is extinct. When man, made in God's form, loses this native dignity, I shrink as instinctively from such a nature, although in a man form, as my 'physical nature does from the touch of fire. And the pain which my moral nature experiences by such a con- tact, can be described by no emblem so fit as the effects of fire upon the live flesh. You may think me extravagant in my figures; still, I trust not, for your nature has not become so entirely perverted as not to appreciate and understand what I mean. Doctor, you are a true man. Despotism has eclipsed and darkened your nature, temporarily ; but I am sure the sun has not ceased to shine, but when the eclipse passes over, it will shino out BEADING. 221 again, in all its original splendor. Indeed, my faith assures me that it will pas's over with you, sooner than with many inferior orbs. 0, for humanity's sake, God grant to hasten the time. 0, what a sight, to see one man dare to stand boldly upon his manliness, and defend injured woman, in de- fiance of human laws ! The world waits for such a man. Your sincere friend, E. P. ~W. P. To the casual reader, these changes may seem to conflict with the statement I have elsewhere made, viz: "From this Eighth ward I was not removed until I was discharged, two years and eight months from the day I was consigned to it;" but they do not in reality, for, although, for the purposes of repairs on the building, we changed our locality, yet the class of occupants did not thus materially change. And I find, on looking over my journal, that during these two years and eight months, there were a few weeks during that time, that Dr. McFarland did allow me to ride and walk with the patients. L. Beading Books and Papers. There is a library connected with this Institution, which the public designed for the use of the prisoners, and there are a large number of papers generously sent to the Institution as a free-will offering for the benefit of the prisoners. But it is due to the public and the patrons who bestow these gifts so kindly, that it should be known that these books and papers very seldom find their way to the prisoners in the wards. Even while I was an occupant of the Seventh ward, it was with great difficulty I could get either; and while in the Eighth, it was almost impossible for me to get one, ex- cept clandestinely and by strategy. A nd were it net for the special kindness of Dr. Tenny, Mr. and Mrs. Coe, and Mrs. Hosmer, I should have been left to famish from mental star- vation. It was war time, too, when daily events of the most 222 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. thrilling kind were occurring, and I felt it to be a great pri- vation to be deprived of the news of the war. Among my Asylum papers I find a copy of a letter I handed to Dr. Sturtevant, one day, after chapel service, wherein my feelings upon this point are portrayed as follows: APRIL 20, 1861. DB. STURTEVANT: Dear Brother in Christ. Entombed alive, as I am at present, I, as an intelligent being, suffer greatly from being deprived all communication with the world outside this Asylum, so far as Dr. McFarland can pre- vent it ; and fully believing that you, kind Brother, " suffer as bound with me," I venture to ask of you an expression of this sympathy, by furnishing me with the reading of the Independent, weekly, by 'bringing it to me, one each Sabbath, when I will exchange the previous one. Did you but know how 1 long to keep informed of what is transpiring now in my country, at this eventful crisis, I do know you would pity me; and not scruple to grant so reason- able a request, of an afflicted sister in bonds. Still, I will not murmur if you turn me off with an excuse, rather than grant my request ; for I know that God rules in the hearts of men, and he turneth them whithersoever he will ; and I have long schooled myself to submission to all God's appointments, as providence develops his wishes. Since I am suffering for conscience sake alone, I see no prospect, on the natural plane, but that it will necessarily be life long, since I never can relinquish my right to " obey God rather than man," when I know these mandates conflict. So long as I will not take man's judgment instead of my con- science for my guide, I must remain imprisoned in this Asy- lum ! And yet, this is free America ! Yes, Dr. Sturtevant, I fully believe that my country will not prosper, so long as woman is suffered to be thus treated. But so far as I am concerned, "all is well." Nothing can harm me. God is my only trust and shield. Fear not for your sister in bonds, although her persecutions increase almost daily in intensity. By the help of your prayers, and READING. 223 those of God's faithful ones in my behalf, I know I shall be ultimately delivered out of the hands of my sagacious ene- mies. By faith I stand. Through God I shall do valiantly. I shall trust God by doing right, and thus wait his deliverance. Your sister in bonds, E. P. "W. PACKABD. To the discredit of Dr. Sturtevant, the honored President of Illinois College, and the sacred profession of the ministry whom he represents, I am sorry to add that he took no notice of my request, not even so much as to give me any excuse for not lending me his Independent to read I The letter shows what confidence I then had in his Chris- tian character, and in his manliness as being "woman's friend." And it was a true index of my feelings towards that class, who profess to be the ministers of our holy religion, and the practical followers of that Master whose cause they pledge to defend as their chosen profession. Therefore, as a sister in need, I, of course, expected a Christian response to my appeal to one of this class especially. But lo 1 ''ye did it not," must certainly be said of this man, among this revered profession. This incident has taught me that it is not the profession which makes the man, but it is the manner in which its duties are performed and its high responsibilities are discharged, which is to determine the standard of merit among ministers, as well as men in other professions. In short, ministers must be judged by the same standard as other men they must stand or fall upon their own individual actions, not upon their position or profession. Another lesson taught me by this incident and its subse- quent events, was, that if we do right, we shall feel right : if we do wrong, we shall feel wrong. So long as this, our chaplain, treated me as a man and a Christian, he felt like a man and a Christian towards me. But just as soon as he for- sook this standard of action, his feelings forsook this standard. He began to treat me unsympathizingly he began to feel cold towards me ; and the more he manifested this coldness the more unsympathizing and unfeeling he became. Thus he 224 THE PRISONEK'S HIDDEN LIFE. closed up the avenues to his warm, manly heart, by his own heartless actions, or inaction, which, if continued sufficiently long, will inevitably ossify this noble heart, which was made to reflect Christ's own image. But Mr. J. C. Coe, finding how I was situated, very mag- nanimously took a St. Louis daily paper for the express purpose of supplying me with the daily news, and Mrs. Coe, his wife, daily brought it to me under her apron ; so that it was not known at headquarters how I got my knowledge of passing events, any more than how I passed out my letters. Dr. Tenny also kin'dly brought me the Independent weekly, which he took at his own expense, and for the purpose, as he said, of accommodating some of his friends in the Asylum. Mrs. Hosmer brought me some of her papers also, occasion- ally, and by a special permission from Dr. McFarland, she brought me, at times, a volume of her own books to read, on the subject of Swedenborgianism. Why the Doctor wished to deprive his prisoners of this relief and amusement, is a mystery I could never fathom. I sometimes thought it was to increase the mental torment of his prisoners, that he thus heartlessly denied them this right the State had granted them. I have heard intelligent pa- tients beg and plead with him to bring them a paper or a book to read, while he would pass speechlessly on, seeming not to hear a word they were addressing to him. This indifferent manner would sometimes arouse the indignation of the peti- tioners to such a pitch that they would heap curses upon him after he left, often affirming, "He comes to the wards for nothing else but to torment us ! " But I am happy to say, that during a favored period of my prison life, he not only allowed me to read Dr. Channing's works, but I think he has exchanged the volumes for me him- self, and once he brought me one of his own volumes of Shakespeare's works. I notice in a Chicago paper of January 14, 1868, Dr. McFarland advertises for books to be sent to the Institution for the benefit of the patients. I think if the public knew MRS. STANLEY. 225 how indifferent he feels in relation to the wants and comforts of his patients, they would not be over anxious to stock their library with books while Dr. McFarland was the State's Librarian. LI. Abusing Mrs. Stanley. My worst fears respecting the management of this ward, I am sorry to say, were fully realized. Miss Smith was natur- ally very quick tempered, and having had it aroused, by ward scenes, into a most unhealthy exercise for many months, she had now become extremely irritable and cross also, so that her atmosphere was anything but salutary and pleasant to the prisoners under her charge. Indeed, the contrast between her management, and the quiet, kind and gentle influence of Miss Tomlin, and her associate, Mrs McKelva, was truly pain- ful, and, to me, a return to the old system of punishment and abuse, was rendered doubly painful, after so long a cessation of hostilities. Had I been removed from the Asylum instead of to this ward, I should have felt confident in the pleasing hope that a reform had really been inaugurated, when I now see that it was only local and spasmodic in its extent and na- ture. My feelings were first hurt in witnessing Mrs. Stanley's abuse. She is a high spirited, quick tempered lady, about thirty -five years of age, the mother of several children. She had been delicately reared, of aristocratic feelings, and unused to labor, except so far ns the superintending of her servants and nursery are concerned. Indulged and gratified herself, she had not learned how to have her wishes crossed, and maintain at the same time her equanimity. Miss Smith or- dered her one day off from her bed, in terms so authoritative and stern, that it aroused the invalid's temper, and she remon- 226 frHE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. strated, and 'claimed the need she felt of lying upon her bed on account of sickness. This argument was considered by Miss Smith as a justifiable reason for laying violent hands up- on her, and pulling her suddenly from her bed upon the floor, when, as usual, a fight was commenced, and Miss Bailey -was summoned to assist Miss Smith in "subduing" Mrs. Stanley ! After fighting awhile, Mrs. Stanley constantly ordering them to let her alone, they concluded to try the " cold bath" to " subdue" her. Fearing and dreading this punishment more than all others, she, in the most reasonable manner urged the soundest logic against it, in her present state of health, and then begged and prayed that, for her health's sake, if nothing else, they would spare her this exposure. She said, "Miss Smith, I am sorry! I ask your pardon! 0, do forgive me ! pray do, I won't do so again." Still they persisted, regardless of her entreaties, confessions and prayers. I went to the bath room, hoping my presence might restrain them, and I begged them to forgive her. But they would not. After pouring a pail of cold water on her head, Mrs. Stanley said "won't you now kiss me?" " No !" said Miss Smith, "I won't kiss those who will talk as you do." Here I said, "do forgive her I for you will sometime want forgiveness yourself." She then stopped with the threat, "if you speak another word you shall not have one mouthful of food all day !" Miss Smith then turned to me saying, " I am not going to take abusive language from a patient." In a low tone I replied, "you must remember she is insane, and you cannot expect her to do as a sane person would." " She is not as insane as she pretends to be ; she knows how to behave better, and I will not bear abuse from her !" " We sane ones ought to bear more than we can expect them to bear," I replied. Another incident connected with the fight. Mrs. Kinney, a very sympathetic patient, seeing how Mrs. Stanley was be- ing misused, interfered, and pulled Miss Smith off. Here was MRS. STANLEY. 227 another severe fight, which resulted in forcing Mrs. Kinney into a side room, and locking her up. After all the fighting was over, Miss Bailey looking at her finger remarked, "I don't know but my finger is broken." I thought "if you inquired if you had broken any of the patient's bones, itwouldbe becom- ing." Thus this weak, delicate woman, who was placed here, to receive kind, humane treatment, as the laws direct, is thus allowed to be abused, her own health and nerves to suffer per- haps an irreparable injury, from those from whom it is impossi- ble to escape; and wrongs from which too, there is no redress, since all the witnesses are outlawed by the brand of insan- ity ! The oppressed find in this ward no comforter, except it be in defiance of the reigning powers. I have, and do still, defy them, so far as to try to comfort the broken hearted, to sym- pathize with them in their sorrows, and these are the evidences of my insanity, which call for my protracted martyrdom ! There is no necessity for abusing a patient. I have seen both systems tried, abuse and kindness; and kindness is by far the easiest, safest course. And, besides, these prisoners are the boarders of the house, and the attendants are the hired servants, and this distinction ought to be recognized as an inspiring feeling of respect attending the patient's welfare. Kind attendants, sometimes get abuse from maniacs, but feel- ing required to "bear the infirmities of the weak, 1 ' they never feel justified in returning abuse for abuse, "but contrawise blessings." They soothe and calm, where the irritable at- tendant excites into the heat of passion. Under Mrs. DeLa- Hay's reign of injustice. I have seen the forbearance and magnanimity evinced, operate to inflame her malignity, and have heard her even twit them with imbecility and weakness, thus calling these heroic virtues "their insanity !" When she would move them into a manifestation of resentment, sho would exult, as if she was now justified in abusing to any ex- tent, because they are insane I 228 THE PEISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. LII. Subduing a New Prisoner. One night I was aroused from my slumbers by the screams of a new patient, who was entered in my hall. The welcome she received from her keepers, Miss Smith and Mijs Bailey, so frightened her, that she supposed they were going to kill her. Therefore, for screaming under these circumstances, they forced her into a screen room and locked her up. Still fearing the worst, she continued to call for help. Instead of attempting to soothe and quiet her fears, they simply com- manded her to stop screaming. But failing to obey their or- der, they then seized her violently and dragged her to the bath room, where they plunged her into the bath tub of cold water. This shock so convulsed her in agony that she now screamed louder than before. They then drowned her voice by strangulation, by holding her under the water until nearly dead. When she could speak, she plead in the most piteous tones for " help ! help !" But all in vain. The only response she got was "will you scream any more !" She promised she would not, but to make it a thorough " subduing," they plunged her several times after she had made them this prom- ise ! My room was directly opposite with open ventilators over both doors, I could distinctly hear all. This is what they call giving the patient a "good bath !" But the bewildered, frightened stranger, finds it hard to see the "good" part of it. The patient was then led, wet and shivering, to her room, and ordered to bed, with the threat, "If you halloo again, we shall give you another bath." The night was very cold, and I lay under my winter's amount of bed clothes to keep me comfortable, while this shivering girl was allowed only a sheet and one thin blanket to cover her. She told me the next morning that she lay almost frozen all night, and complained of universal soreness for many days after. For a long time I could see black and blue spots all over her bo'dy, caused by this violent handling of her tender frame, in putting he r through the process of initiation "the SUBDUING A PRISONER 229 The next morning I was awakened by hearing Miss Smith reprimand her most sternly for wanting her shoes, which she could not find. Instead of trying to pacify her, she forced her shoeless patient to the bath room, and held her head under the streaming faucet ! The frightened one screamed for " help ! " for she had not yet learned the sad truth, that she was out of the reach of all human help, now that she had passed the fatal "dead lock" of a charitable State institution. She kept calling for her shoes. Miss Smith had promised them to her after she had washed. This being done, she called for her shoes. Now Miss Smith requires her hair to be first combed, and having obeyed this order also, she again calls for her shoes. At this point, my feelings drove me to the spot, to defend the rights of the stranger, where I found .Miss Smith, with upraised hands over her victim, ordering her to "stop I" I whispered in Miss Smith's ear, "I would get her shoes for her." She turned angrily upon me, and said, "I shall not be interfered with 1 I know what I am about I havn't seen her shoes I know nothing about them." I left, and went to breakfast. Soon after, Miss Smith came in with her unhappy, shoeless patient, and ordered her to sit down and eat her breakfast. The patient wanted her shoes first, but no request of hers was noticed. "You may eat or not, just as you choose," said Miss Smith, as her only response to her inquiry for her shoes. This was her first meal among this great crowd of strangers in this strange place. I could not help pitying this friend- less one, and as I passed her on my return from the dining room, I put my arm around her waist, and kindly invited her to come to my room, telling her, at the same time, that I would be a friend to her, and treat her kindly. She replied, "That is all I want." I told her I would ask the attendants to find her shoes that it was their duty to attend to her wants, and keep all her clothing safe for her. Her neck was cold, as her dress was very low, and she had lost her cape. I sought for it in her room, but not finding it, I asked the 230 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. attendants for it, but they said that they knew nothing about it. I then lent this shivering girl a sacque of my own, and asked her to sit down in my room, upon my trunk, which I had covered with a cushioned top for a seat for my guests. She seemed rejoiced to have found a friend, and clung to me as to her last hope. She would not leave me without a promise that she might return. She said her father told her she should have all she wanted when she got here, and that I should see a great many nice things. "But all I want is to be treated kindly." I told her I thought the attendants would soon look for her things that they had many to look after that we must try to be patient. She waited several hours ; again her lost shoes began to trouble her, as she wished to go out, if I would accompany her ; and if she might return again to my room. I offered to lend her a pair, and had just handed them to her, when Miss Bailey came in with the missing shoes and cape also. The other prisoners were now going to walk, and she wished to go too, but Miss Smith decidedly refused, giving her no reason, except, " I think it is best you should not go." I tried to relieve her disappointment, by telling her, "I presume they choose to wait a few days, to see how you be- have. They may fer you will try to run away now; and besides, you have not rested from your long journey in the cars, and they think it better that you keep quiet a few days." She seemed easily satisfied, and remarked, "I presume the bath will do me good, but I hope I shall not need another. If ever I have to take another bath, won't you be with me ?" She said she thought that was baptism; she had now been twice baptized once in a creek, and now by these two women I She often complained of being hungry. I went to Miss Bailey, and asked her if I might take her key and go to the dining room closet, and get her some bread and butter, as the law allows the patients a piece between meals, if they need it. Miss Bailey said, "I think she must be hungry, for she did not eat any breakfast," and went and got her some, her- SUBDUING A PRISONER. 231 self. I devoted the day to her comfort and amusement, and she seemed, before night, to be quite cheerful and content- ed. She was uniformly quiet and peaceable, and disposed to do the best in her power. I am fully satisfied that the scene in the bath room was entirely owing to mismanagement on the part of the attendants. There is never any occasion for fighting a patient. The State has furnished a screen room for the restraint of the pugnacious ones, and the room should be used for only such, and at such times as they need restraint. Another initiating process. Miss Smith said she thought she should be obliged to cut off her hair, since she had " creep- ers" in it. The patient did not wish to lose her fine hair, and I remonstrated against it, saying that I thought she had no right to do so without their own or their friends' consent, for they always felt bad to find it had been done, when they had recovered. Besides, the Institution furnishes ointment for the evil she deplored. I made a thorough investigation my- self, and found no cause for the excuse she gave for cutting her hair. I found the reason she wished it shingled, was, to save her the trouble of combing it. She yielded to my ap- peal, and thus was the long black hair of this young lady saved to her, by my interposition. I had given my word to this lonely one, that she should find in me a friend, although I knew not what disaster to my own interests might be the result. But, since I have nothing to lose but my life, I am willing to risk it in defense of the oppressed and down-trod- den. I will simply dare to do my duty, remembering Christ's word, that if " I am ashamed of him and his words, he will be ashamed of me." I never was in any place where Christ's principles were so ignored and contemned as in this doleful prison house. I have detailed this single case as a type of others of daily and almost hourly occurrence here, the bare mention of which would fill a volume. 232 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. LIII. Treatment of the Sick. I had for my dormitory companion for more than one year, Miss Emily Goldsby, who was sadly afflicted with epileptic fits. It was for this she was sent to this Asylum for treat- ment, and for this purpose she consented to come. But like all other similar expectations, this hope went out in utter darkness, under her Asylum experience. Her mental facul- ties had already become somewhat impaired, in consequence of these fits, and both she and her friends, fondly hoped that under the medical treatment of the far famed Dr. McFarland, the cause of this aberration might be mitigated, or removed. But she had scarcely anything done for her by way of med- ical treatment, although I often heard her intercede with the Doctor, to either do something to cure her, or send her home to her friends. But he could not be prevailed upon to do either, so that she lingered out a most wretched imprisonment of many years, uncared for and apparently forgotten. Her friends thus finding that it was easier for them to be relieved of the care of her, than it was to take care of her them- selves, and when at last they were obliged to take her away, they cast her into a county house ! She not only got no treat- ment for her disease, but no care even when she had her fits, except what I gave her. One night, before I could get to her bed, she fell on to the floor in one of her fits, and broke her collar bone. This accident caused her a great deal of suffering, and she daily appealed to the Doctor for relief; but he would turn silently away without seeming to hear her. I finally influenced Dr. Tenny to look at it, and see for him- self that she had need of medical help. He was satisfied that the bone was fractured, and sent her some liniment which relieved her pain. She had, at several different times, periods of unusual irregularity of conduct, so that she could not sleep for sev- eral nights in succession, nor could her room-mate sleep TREATMENT OF THE SICK. 233 with her. I was her constant and only watcher, and nurse during the whole year, including these periods. One time, after several sleeples? nights, I said to Dr. McFarland, "I am willing to do my share of hospital nursing, but I am not willing to sacrifice my health in this cause, and therefore, I wish you would make some change for a few nights, at least, so that I may get a little sleep." But he passed on without making any reply whatever, leaving me to quiet my patient as best I could, and get my own sleep where I could find it, or go without it if I could not. There was another lady in our hall who needed medical treat- ment, for a weakness which caused her attendants some trouble about her bed ; and although she was over sixty years of age, she was punished for it as if she were a child, instead of being medicated as she needed. She was lady-like, intel- ligent, perfectly submissive, and uniformly quiet. She was always neatly and genteelly dressed, and had I met her out- side of an Insane Asylum, 1 should never have had a suspicion of her being an insane person ; I never saw anything like insanity in her. This lady had to be punished daily, morning after morning, with the horrors of the plunge bath, because she caused her attendants trouble about her bed. She was not to blame for causing them this trouble, for she could not help it. She used to come to my room after these death-like strangulations by water, and say, "0, Mrs. Packard, I thought they would kill me this morning ! I only wish I had died, for now I am only spared to go through it again to-morrow, for I can't help it. I lie awake all the time I possibly can for fear, but sleep will overcome me, tnd then I am guilty of an 'insane act,' as they call it, for which there is no escape from this terrible punishment." I reported her case to her mar- ried daughter who visited her. But she took no notice of this defense of her mother's rights, but left her defenseless as ever, at the tender mercy of the Superintendent, in whom she expressed the most unbounded confidence ! This daughter's visit to her mother is described in the following chapter, showing the legitimate tendency of Insane Asylums 234 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. to extinguish natural affection. I present it to my readers as I find it recorded in my journal. LIT. Mrs. Leonard's Yisit to her Mother. Yesterday I met Mrs. Leonard, who is here on a visit to her mother. I advised her to take her mother home, and be- stow upon her a daughter's kind and dutiful care and attention, instead of leaving her to the care of strangers. She replied, "Why, I think it looks pleasant here. Don't you enjoy staying here?" "No, I do not; this is a very unnatural life, compelled to live as we do. Defenseless, exposed to abuse, separated from all our friends, and cut off from all intercourse with them, shut out from the world and all the privileges of society and citizenship, and worse than all, confined for an indefinite period." "Why, I think I could be happy here." "You may perhaps have an opportunity to test it ; you may become insane, and then confined here; or you may, like many others, be confined here without being insane, and thus learn by your own experience, what it is to be cast off by your own children, as you have cast off your own mother ; for 'with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.' Your mother is liable to abuse here, and I am her witness that she receives it, too." "It seems pleasant here. I do not think they would make a false impression upon strangers." "A stranger passing through here, knows nothing about the management of the house. When the friends visit, they are told by the employees, that their friends are well taken care of that they are contented and happy ; and if the injured one dares to contradict these statements, they are sure to be punished for it as soon as the friends get out of sight. Besides. MES. LEONAKD'S VISIT. 235 these visitors are instructed not to heed anything the prison- ers say, and an attendant is to keep her ear open to the conversation which her charge has with strangers, and is in- structed to urge them on if they tarry to hear anything they wish them not to hear. The patients fearing to tell the truth, and denied an opportunity of doing so, the visitor leaves with a very false impression, and this dust which is thrown into his eyes, prevents his seeing anything for himself, just as is the case with you now." "But the friends place them here, believing it is for their good," she replied. Yes, under this sophistical plea they take the first wrong step. The neglected and injured relative, finds a class of emotions germinating in his heart, which inevitably culminates in alienation, and irreconcilable enmity frequently ensues. The wrong doer makes the first infringement upon the law of love by not doing as they would be done by. Every advanced step in the wrong direction leads them into deeper and deep- er darkness, until at length, they become so blinded and cal- lous that they lose all traces of humanity, and thus become entirely perverted and fallen. " I could clearly discern in Mrs. Leonard, that she had be- come sadly indifferent to her mother's welfare. She had got rid of a burden by putting her off upon the care of others ; the laws approved of her course : it was even regarded by per- verted humanity as her duty thus to treat her ; the tender yearnings of her true nature were stifled, and she was left to moral judicial blindness. I told her she would not like to be thus cast off, if incapable of taking care of herself; instead of this, she would claim that this was just the time she most needed her friends' care and assistance. "When well, and able to care for herself, she had better be then abandoned, rather than in a defenseless condition. ! these insane institutions are one of Satan's well designed plans for the detriment, and ruin of humanity, under the specious plea of benevolence. We know it must be Satanic in itd origin, for its first princi- ple is a trangression of the divino command of love, to our 236 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. friends and relations. How can it have become possible that these houses could have secured such a hold upon the con- science and intelligence of the nineteenth century in enlight- ened America? It certainly must be a perverted Christianity which could countenance, and sustain institutions of such notoriously infamous character. It is the specious deceptive character of these professedly benevolent institutions, that render them so dangerous, and such a snare to the world. If they would 'only show their real character openly, as In- quisitons and Penitentiaries, of the worst kind, the danger to humanity would be mitigated to the greatest extent ; for few are so lost to a desire for the esteem of others, as to do such an outrageous act openly and professedly, for the purpose of tor- turing their afflicted friends by sending them to the Inquisi- tion for that purpose. But as it is, thousands are doing that very deed knowingly to themselves, but ignorantly to the world, through the specious plea of sending them to a hospital for " their good." Does,- not the arch adversary exult in this successful achievement of his purpose to destroy humanity, through this perversion of his peculiar godlike faculty be- nevolence ? Has he not employed his strongly marked agent, Dr. McFarland's benevolent organization, through whom this strategic plan can be made practical ! Is any plea more often urged in support of his despotism here, than " their good re- quires it !" What more popular argument could he use in support of his deceptive acts, than " their good" in the esti- mation of " the great, the good, the intellectual, Dr. McFar- land's opinion requires it ?" 0, Dr. McFarland, " their good" is only one of your artful plans to promote your own self-ag- grandizement ! This morning Mrs. Leonard came to the bars, and seemed desirous of speaking to me. I left my work, which was clean- ing my bedstead, went to the bars and talked a little more with her. I told her the patients in this ward were treated like slaves and menials ; that the attendants claimed to be their overseers, and ordered them to do the work which they were hired to do. This morning, Miss Smith has ordered them to MES. LEONARD'S VISIT. 237 wash -their own bedsteads, and requires them to doit, whether they are willing or not. Some object, saying that they are not put here to work that they have not been used to such work, and the laws do not require it of them. Still she says they shall obey her, in all she chooses to tell them to do, etc. There is Mrs. Stanley, for instance, who has not been used to such work, having had hired help all her days, and she objects, but Miss Smith told her she should have no breakfast until she had done all she had told her to do. She started for breakfast; Miss Smith ordered her back, repeating her threat. I did not tarry to see how the quarrel terminated. One fact is evident, she went without her breakfast, and seemed to feel like a much injured woman. I told Mrs. Leonard that Mrs. Stanley was right in saying to Miss Smith that she had no right to speak so to her, and order her about in that style, for the laws forbid it Miss Smith being her servant, and the laws expressly forbid involuntary servitude. Still as it is, we are regarded and treated as their slaves, or as convicts in a Penitentiary, condemned to work or risk the penalty of dis- obedience. I added, "this is one of the greatest systems of oppression and cruelty to human beings, 'the world ever wit- nessed." She listened with the indifference of a stoic, apparently, and left me abruptly without making any remark. I returned to my duties, feeling that I had done all my duty to her, to get her eyes open, to see what the rules of the house are. My hope was that the latent spark of filial feeling towards her aflicted mother might be revived, and she, under its natural promptings, be induced to take her mother home. But all my efforts to enlighten her, seemed like water spilled upon the ground. She evidently seemed to regard all my talk, as the representations of an insane person, whom she considered be- neath her notice or attention, except to hold me up, to scorn and ridicule. She plainlymade light of it. God grant that I may never be left to violate any of my obligations to any hu- man being, so as to give my testimony in favor of relations thus deserting their own kindred in the time of their greatest need. 238 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. So far as my influence and example go, they shall find this testimony in favor of kindness, the most unremitted, to my afflicted kindred. I will do all I can to secure the same to afflicted humanity whereever found. Should my husband be- come a raving maniac even, I would not consent to his being put into a hospital so long as any kindred of his own could take care of him. A mother's authority, if necessary, should secure for him the personal attentions of his children in his behalf, so far as was necessary to aid my own personal efforts for his comfort and happiness. I would think of the reward which Mr. and Mrs. John Hardy, of Shelburne, Mass., have received for themselves, in taking care of their insane son, eighteen long years, so kind- ly, invariably, and unremittingly ; although they may, on entering upon their reward, exclaim, "we have only done our plain duty to our child." God, their Judge may reply, "I acknowledge it to be true, and on this ground you have proved your loyalty to my government, by obeying the parental laws of the nature I have given you, and not,likemy disloyal subjects, rejected its teachings, and left the unfortunate one to stranger hands." I should feel although weariness and painfulness, might at- tend the act, yet no selfish considerations should induce me to swerve from, or remit our attentions to his comfort and his wants. This sacred promise I now make, and record, that I and my children, will be true to this pledge So help us God! LV. Mrs. Emeline Bridgman or Nature's Laws Broken. This Mrs. Bridgman has been an inmate of this Asylum, for the last ten years ; has been one of the most unfortunate victims to the deteriorating, debasing influences of such insti- tutions, to the true aspiring nature which God has given MRS. BRIDGMAN. 239 Her nature is a specimen of a superior order of female or- ganization, very tender sensitive feelings, exquisitely sus- ceptible to emotions of a spiritual nature, feeling an insult to her self-respect and native dignity to the most highly sensi- tive degree, -exhibited by a feeling of shame, mortification and self-distrust, which seemed so deeply stamped upon her soul as to render it impossible for her to rise above it. So long has she suffered the shame of being regarded insane, that she has become morbidly sensitive, and it seems now to have become morally impossible to overcome it. She has a superior intel- lect, conservative in its character, yet fully capable of ap- prehending clearly uew ideas, new views of truth, although instinctively averse to progress or change in her opinions. The orthodox system of theology, as the conservative di- vines of the last century taught, is her standard of truth, and all deviations from this standard, she is almost tempted to regard as a sacrilegious act. Her will is very persistent, almost inflexible ; her temper forgiving, her spirit trustful ; still, fearful and doubtful as to the future. All her hopes lie buried deep in the past. No ray of hope illumes her future in this life, and her hopes of the future rest upon a hope that she was made a subject of regeneration twenty or thirty years since. On her evidences then, that she had experienced a change of heart, she now rests her hope of final safety, be- lieving that when this instantaneous change of heart has been once experienced, there is no probability of a failure in receiving a heavenly inheritance. Her nervous system became deranged from a physical cause at the age of eighteen. She was then sent to the Worces- ter Hospital, Massachusetts, where she remained a short time under the treatment of Dr. "Woodward, the Superintendent. She soon recovered, and entered upon the practical duties of life with interest and satisfaction. She was happily married, and lived eight yrars with her husband, when she became a childless widow. Her life has since been like " the troubled sea which can not rest." Her nerves have become so chron- ically diseased, that they constantly disturb her mental repose. 240 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE Her friends, at her own request, let her enter this Asylum, hoping the result might be as favorable as it formerly had been. But they were disappointed. Instead of receiving the kind, humane, Christian treatment here as she did at Worces- ter, she was treated most abusively and brutally., Her sen- sitive feelings thus received such a shock, followed by such a feeling of degradation and shame, that it has become impossi- ble for her to rally and recover her lost self-respect. As one specimen of the manner of treatment to which she was sub- jected, she told me that in taking her baths, they forced her to disregard, and tried to crush out every refined, virtuous, and elevated feeling of her nature, telling her, in most un- mistakable language, that they considered this eradication of modesty as the object and intent of their discipline and treatment. Of course, her godlike nature instinctively re- volted at- this heaven-defying sacrilege, this crushing of the divinity within her. This, added to the abuse which was inflicted upon her tender, sensitive frame, was too much for her powers of endurance. Her nervous system, her aspiring feelings, her noble nature, could never rally, so long as this abuse continued ; and it has continued for ten long successive years. Rather than to live in this agony, she sought death ; not that she made any attempts to commit suicide, but she often begged and prayed that they would kill her outright, rather than by this slow torturing process. No; so long a3 she exhibited any natural feelings under this torture, she was subjected to the cruel rack. Her sound logic, her entreaties, her prayers, her just and holy resentment, each and all, only seemed alike an occasion for inflicting some new form of degradation. Mrs. Bridgman was scrupulously neat in her habits ; but regardless of this, she was forced into the water tub where several others had bathed, who were peculiarly filthy in their personal habits, so that the water was not only highly colored, but covered over the top with a thick scum of filth. Into this she was plunged, head and ears, to their heart's content, and held under tho water. Then, as her flesh was of an un- MRS. BRIDGMAK 241 commonly fine texture, sensitive in the extreme, she must be scrubbed with a corn broom, which had been first dipped into a dish of soft soap, to lather her entirely over with from head to foot, and then washed off with the thick water already so soapy as to almost consume the skin. Here she was rubbed and scrubbed, as if her skin were a rhinoceros's, and then locked into her room, where the cold was so intense that her hair was often frozen to her pillow. I inquired why she did not report the attendant's conduct to the Superintendent. She said she did try to, but he would not credit her statements, since the attendants contradicted them, assuring him that they had not abused her. He regarded her truthful representations as the ravings of a dis- eased mind, and the attendants' conduct was tacitly approved, as judicious and correct. Thus she found that all she had accomplished by reporting them truthfully, was an approval of their practice from the Superintendent, and a secret grudge against her, which she would be sure to know of in her future aggravated and increased sorrows. And now, since she has been made to become a mere wreck of her former self, as to her personal habits, and her refined manners and fashionable appearance, having become necessa- rily almost indifferent to the opinion of others, as a result of her loss of self-esteem, her earthly prospects seem to be entirely blighted, even in the meridian of life; and all the natural result of the rule of this wicked Institution. That she did not become a maniac long ago, is one of the mys- teries of God's providence. Since I have known her she has not been insane. She has been one of my most esteemed associates as an intelligent and capable woman as compe- tent to attend to the practical duties of life as ever, could she only be induced to make the effort. But all her ambition and self-esteem being prostrated, by the abuse she has experi- enced, her case seems almost hopeless her usefulness for this world destroyed, except so far as her case may be employed as a warning, a living memorial of the barbarous influences of the Insane Asylums upon humanity, as they have been and L 242 THE PRISONEE'S HIDDEN LIFE. still are conducted. If it had not been for these institutions, she might have been, ere this, a useful and happy woman ; and had she been cherished and cared for by her kindred, as their true hearts then prompted, instead of trusting her to the care of strangers, she might have recovered her health and spirits, and long have been a blessing to them and to the world. But alas ! this willing victim has been offered a liv- ing sacrifice to the Lunatic Asylum ! and under the specious pretence that her good might be secured I Several of her friends have died since she has been here, but she was not allowed to know anything of the event, -until she chanced to see the notice of their death in the papers ! 0, can this entombing of kindred alive, be for their or our own good? Is it for our own good to cut off our afflicted friends, and so desert them, as to root out all traces of sym- pathy in them, or interest in their welfare ? Is it for their good to put them where the affectionate yearings of their fond hearts have no object to cling to, and no means allowed through which to exercise their emotions? Can a natural development of the faculties be secured by this most unnatural process ? No, no ; those who have survived this machinery are the exceptions ; those who are injured the almost universal rule. Mrs. Bridgman never was a fit subject, for the Asy- lum, since she never was an insane person, in that she has never been lost to reason. She is diseased in her nervous system, and instead of treating her as a criminal, she needs unusual forbearance and kindness, to inspire her with self-confidence and thus draw out her self-reliant feelings and efforts. All de- pressing, debasing influences, are deathlike in their influence over her already weakened powers of resistance. The only irregularity of conduct indicating a dethronement of reason, was a propensity to pick her clothes to pieces. This appear- ance of restless uneasiness, would seek vent from the ends of her fingers by nervous twitches upon something tangible, which effort seemed to be an almost instinctive act of self- defense from the overflowings of her pent up mental agonies. I could not blame her any more than I could blame a drown- MRS. BKIDGMAN. 243 ing man for catching at a straw as a reliance of self-defense. Although the drowning man's act is in itself an unreasonable act of self dependence, yet we do not call it an insane act under his surrounding. So, although in reality, Mrs. Bridg- man's acts of self-relief are not reasonable in themselves, yet under the anguish of her mental throes, she should be ex- cused as innocent of an act really insane. If her sufferings cannot be assuaged by judicious kind care, she should be al- lowed great latitude in seeking any way of relief her instincts might prompt. She has been most wantonly and thoughtlessly punished, being innocent, so that she is almost raving, under this insult and abuse of her moral nature addded to her physi- cal sufferings. 0, how I have heardher entreat Dr. McFarland to let her out of this place ! his utter indifference to her cries only confirmed her in feeling, that this is a place of hopeless torment, from which she can never escape. Nor can it be right under any circnmstances, to keep a human being in such a state of involuntary suffering, or to add to this suffering, state personal imprisonment. She has been allowed to visit her friends several times, within the fen years, and remains with them a few weeks or months, but the memory of the Asylum so haunts her, that its fear and dread are inseparable from her existence. This Institution should place an insup- arable barrier to her entering it again ; her friends ought to adopt her anew into the affections of their hearts, and make her feel sure that they will never again forsake, but cherish and love her as they would wish to be, in exchange of cir- cumstances. But from Dr. Tenny's account I fear they cher- ish no such intention, but like other alienated perverted kin- dred, will feel justified in placing her here again ; thus rid- ding themselves of a burden upon their care and attention. Rid of a burden I What can be more humiliating to a proud noble nature than to feel that they are looked upon as burdens by their friends such as they are willing to resign knowingly in to a state of hopeless unmitigated sorrow. earth I earth I is there any spot in this great universe where human anguish is equal to what is experienced in Lunatic Asylums ! 244 THE PKISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Are we not experiencing the sum of human wretchedness ? Can a woman's sufferings be greater than are Mrs. Bridgman's ? To me she is the very personification of anguish. O, my heart has so ached for her that I sometimes feel that I would lay down my natural life to relieve her. I did try to comfort her, by imparting genuine sympathy in deeds of kindness, and she would sometimes say that she found some comfort in my room, but none anywhere else. I have of- ten assured her that if ever I got a home where I could do as I please, 1 would like to adopt her into it most cheerfully as my sister, and she should find in me an unfailing friend. I have studied into the cause of her disease of the nervous system, and so far as I can judge, it was caused by her disre- garding the laws of her nature, as a woman, in working extra hard at the time she was unwell. She said she suffered so much pain at such times, that she sought relief by hard work, and this exertion being unnatural, only increased the evil she designed to remedy. Her temporary relief was purchased at the price of future sufferings. A chronic disease was the result, which has since manifested itself in untold mental agonies. If women would have resolution enough to be quiet at such times as nature and reason both dictate, they would be re- lieved of a vast amount of suffering, which is inseparably con- nected with thus trifling with this law of our nature. It is said that the Indian women who are so peculiarly ex- empt from female diseases, do invariably lie by one or two days at such times, and these are the only times that they lie in bed, by sickness in consequence of which, they are al- most as hardy as the men. To them, the curse of the fall seems almost annihilated. If civilized women would only learn this lesson from their uncivilized sisters, they might hope to enjoy the same immunity from suffering which they do. Since I feel conscientiously bound to regard all the laws of my being as God's laws, and now regarding this in that light, I cannot feel exempt from its obligation. Eighteen years of obedience to this law has demonstrated the fact in my case, that civilized women can by so doing be as exempted from THE GUILT OF FOLLY. 245 suffering as their uncivilized sisters. 0, that civilized women would dare to be as healthy as Indian women are, by daring to be as natural in obeying this law of woman's nature ; then might we hope for progress, based on the plane of sound and vigorous constitutions in their offspring. LYI The Guilt of Folly. There are some crimes, the charging of which, falsely, is worse than the crimes themselves. So with my husband's false accusation of insanity in me, he commits a greater crime against me, than it would be in him to really become insane. The false accusation is a crime, whereas the thing charged is no crime. Neither is he guiltless in treating me as insane, when this delusion of his is only the result of misapprehen- sion, for he is to blame for getting into this deluded state. He has resisted known light, and a persistence in his folly has so blinded him that now he can not see correctly. At the same time, he is to blame, because he ought not to have got into this state. Like the drunkard, who unconsciously harms another, is guilty, for he ought not to have got into this unconscious state. The good of society requires that folly, as well as rascality, should be responsible for their own actions. Again, this state of folly can only be controlled by brute force or fear, since while in it, they are dead to all influences of a higher kind. And the just punishment of this folly is demanded as a warning to others to avoid such a state. These victims of folly must be held in check, by force, until con- sciousness so far returns as to lead them to see the wrong they have done; and this time has not come, until they feel sorry for their trespass upon others' rights. My husband must see that there is no hope of help for him, until he can see that he has ione wrong; then he will be in a suitable state to re- 246 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. ceive his pardon from me. Until that time comes, he can not appreciate forgiveness if it should be offered. It is my duty to hold him there until he does. Again, this accusation is a crime of great magnitude, be- cause there is no chance of a termination of my imprisonment while on this basis. Real insanity may possibly be cured, and thus hope lies for the insane in the future ; but the case of the falsely accused is hopeless for if unchanged, he is treat- ed as insane, and if he becomes insane, of course his case is hopeless. There are certainly some of the most reasonable persons in the world imprisoned here, apparently hopelessly, simply because some individual has chosen to represent them BO, and they justify themselves in this accusation, on the plea that they have a right to their opinions. So they have the same right to their opinion that a traitor has to justify himself, on the ground that it is his opinion that the government ought to be overthrown ! Traitors have a right to their opinions as traitors, and they also have a right to the penalty which the law attaches to such opinions when practically expressed. The defamer pleads that he has a right to destroy the character of one whom he regards as an errorist, since he claims these errors injure society, and therefore a benevolent regard to community demands the slander. Now we never have a right to do wrong, and no evil can be justified on the ground that good requires it. Goodness is never dependent upon sin for its maintenance or support. Right and justice are sometimes demanded by goodness, but never does it de- mand wrong or wickedness for its defense. It is the highest treason to our Heavenly Father's government, to try to destroy the moral influence of a member of his family, in order to promote their own selfish purposes. It is an attempt to overthrow God's government, in the individual, to repre- sent him as insane when he is not, for it is his accountability he is thus trying to destroy. That it is a crime to call a sane person an insane one, ap- pears too, in the mental torture this charge brings with it. THE GUILT OF FOLLY. 247 It is very embarrassing to a sensitive person to be looked upon in all they say or do, as an insane person. The least mistake, a slip of the tongue, a look, a gesture, are all liable to be interpreted as insanity, and the least difference of opinion, however reasonable or plausible, is liable to share the same reproach. So that an advocate for any new truth, or any progressive science which must necessarily dethrone human dogmas, while under this charge, is under a paralyzing influ- ence. But let any other person who is not thus branded, advance the same ideas, they would be regarded as evidences of intelligence of a superior order. And although truth is not changed by the medium through which it passes, yet, as the world now is, in its undeveloped state, it more readily listens to a new truth coming through a medium of acknowl- edged sanity, than when it comes through one who has the diploma of insanity attached to his name. But still, the medium is not the truth, neither is the truth enhanced or di- minished by the medium who utters it. Again, it is a crime, because hundreds are kept here to whom an imprisonment is as much of an outrage as slavery is to the bondman. Because some insane persons are some- times dangerous, it is thought right to keep all who are called insane, prisoners ! Thus, the most sensible people on earth, are exposed to suffer a life-long imprisonment, from the folly of some undeveloped, misguided person. And the tendency of imprisonment itself, is sadly detrimental to a person who has intelligence enough to realize that he is held under lock and key. To persist in treating them as though they were unable to take care of themselves, is to undermine self- reliance and self-respect. In short, it tends to destroy all that which is noble and aspiring in humanity, more directly, and more surely, than any course the great enemy of the race has hitherto devised. To subject a human being to the legitimate influence of this Insane Asylum system, is like the Hindoos throwing their children into the Ganges, most of whom are drowned, of course, but the few who do escape are those who retain life with peculiar vigor and tenacity. Yes, 248 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. I am sure that any one who can go through here, and come out uuharmed, may well be considered as insanity proof. God's grace must work in them, to will and to do right in all things, or no security is granted them; and these few cases of successful resistance are like the pure gold, the hotter the fire, the purer it becomes. The Christian graces which are here called into exercise, are thus strengthened, purified, concentrated, intensified, so that the minor temptations and onsets of the powers of darkness are now looked upon as mere skirmishes, compared with the fierce, deadly battles of this Asylum life. Again, the guilt attending this folly is great when we con- template how very difficult it is to get out of this prison at all. I find this idea illustrated in my journal in the following manner. "I havo just been noticing the struggles of a fly, lying upon my window-sill. It vainly strives to regain its natural position, and every collateral influence only increases its fruitless struggles ; but when I placed my finger directly over so its feet could clasp it, immediately it assumed its upright position, by a perfectly natural motion. All its previous ef forts, unaided, were not only fruitless, but exhausting to its energies, so that when help came, it was weak from this exer- tion. So I have been long striving to deliver myself, unaided, but all in vain. But when my efforts have attracted the at- tention of some competent influence directed by a power from above, I shall experience all needed help to rise to the posi- tion God has designed me to fill. Now since my deliverance depends wholly upon the influence of a power above me, I must learn to trust it by faith, and like the fly, lie quietly prostrate, waiting patiently until help comes to my rescue." Again, the guilt attending the folly of imprisoning sane people, or those who have never forfeited their right to their personal liberty by their own insane or criminal actions, is seen in the expense it incurs to keep them at Jacksonville Insane Asylum. It gives the tax payers a just cause to complain of enormously unjust taxes, while it cost the State of Illinois one thousand dollars a year to keep each of their prisoners at MRS. WATTS. 249 that Institution. If the statement made before the Senate in the winter of 1867, by Senator Ward of Chicago, who was appointed by that body to investigate the management of that Institution, is true viz : that as the Institution is now con- ducted, it cost Cook County, one thousand dollars a year, for each occupant from that County ; and he added " I will engage to take care of them at that price myself!" Now if the people would but exercise their own good com- mon sense in this matter, they would find that their own afflicted friends could be far better cared for in their own homes, than they are now cared for at this Institution, and that the expense attending it would be materially lessened, by a return to the simple principles, of natural humanity and com- mon sense in the treatment of this unfortunate class. Until this is the case, the guilt attending the folly of our present system, must be needlessly enhanced by the enormous taxes demanded in support of these institutions on their present corrupt basis. LYII. Mrs. Watts Driven off from her Sick Bed. Mrs. Watts was most peremptorily ordered off her bed while sick, by Miss Smith, and this distressed woman was com- pelled to stand leaning against her bed all day, suffering from severe pain. She had no chair or seat of any kind in her room, and was not allowed to sit upon her bed, so she must stand all day or lie upon the cold uncarpeted floor, so that her bed need not be tumbled, lest company might pass through and thus prevent as good a display of the house ! After listening to the quarrel from my room, I went to comfort her, and found her as I have described. I expressed my tenderest sympathy, telling her that if it was in my power I would do anything in the world to relieve her, but that I was just as helpless as herself. I kissed and left her, saying " I will do all I can for you." L2 250 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. I then took Miss Bailey, the other attendant, into my room and with tears in my eyes, I plead her case and appealed to her compassion to take her part, and let her lie upon her bed, saying " it is your right to act independently when you see the patients are wronged." She assented to all I said, but did nothing. I then went to Mrs. Watts, and offered her my bed, assuring her I would protect her while there. She positively declined doing this, saying " I guess I can bear it as the rest have to." I left her leaning against her bed, hoping some one would come in to whom I could appeal for her. But no one came. After dinner I found her sitting upon the cold floor. I then brought her my chair, and insisted that she should use it. This she was willing and glad to do. At night I took it back and told Miss Smith what I had done. She seemed im- pressed with a feeling of guilt and apologized for having done so. and gave me encouragement to hope she would not repeat the offense. The next day I made a most earnest appeal to Dr. Tenny in behalf of the sick in our ward, to which he responded by saying, " I do think they ought to be allowed to lie upon their beds when sick." " Then do use yonr influence at headquarters, for we can- not get a chance to tell our grievances to the Superintendent; he will no more listen to a patient's complaint, than he would defend them from abuse !" LVIII. Dangerous to be a Married Woman in Illinois! After seating himself in my room, Dr. McFarland, com- menced a conversation by asking this question, "Mrs. Pack- ard, would it not be natural for me, in order to ascertain what had been your conduct before coming here, to inquire, first of husband, then of parents, then of brothers and sisters, and on their testimony form some opinion of your state?" MARRIED WOMEN. 251 " Yes, naturally you would ; but in my case, these relatives have not seen me for seven years, except brother Samuel, of Batavia. who has visited me only once during that time; and besides, opinions will not convict a criminal. Facts are need- ed as proof. A murderer is uot convicted on opinions, but on facts." "But insanity is not a crime, but a misfortune, and different kind of evidence is required to prove it. It is a disease, and as physicians detect disease by the irregularities of the physical organization, so they must judge of insanity by the views they take of things." " But, Doctor, is not the conduct the index of the mind, and if these views are not accompained with irregularities of conduct, ought these views alone to be treated as evidences of insanity ?" " Yes, a person may be insane without irregularities of conduct." " But have we any right to restrain the personal liberty of any one whose conduct shows no irregularities. For instance, should you like to be imprisoned in one of these wards on the simple opinion of some one that you had an insane idea in your head, while at the same time all your duties were being faithfully performed?" He made no reply. After a silence of a few moments, I added, "now if you, Doctor, or any other individual, will bring forward one act of my own, showing lack of reason in it, I will own you have a right to call me insane." After waiting a long time, he said, " was it not an insane act for you to fall down stairs, and then to be carried back to 'your ward ?" " That was not my act in being carried back to my ward. It was your own act, and my falling down stairs, was an accident, caused too, by your ungentlemanly interference ; and tho object I had in view by asserting my rights, was a rational one, for I. had good reasons for doing so." "0, no, no, the reasons are nothing." " Yes they are ; for unless you know the reasons which in- 252 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. fluence the actions of others, many acts would appear insane, that would not, if we knew the reasons which prompted the act. I asserted my right to my liberty from principle, not from impulse, in compliance with the advice of Gerrit Smith. viz : "when you have done all that forbearance, kindness and intelligence can do to right your wrongs, all that is left for you to do is, to ' assert your rights,' kindly, but firmly, and then leave the issue to God." After another pause he said, "what motive, Mrs. Packard, could I have for making you out insane, if I considered you were not? Would money prompt me to do it?" " No, Doctor, I don't think money has influenced your mind in my case ; but you have so long been in the habit of receiv- ing women on the simple verdict of the opinion of the hus- band, without proof, that you seem to think there is no neces- sity of using your own judgment at all in the case. And you do not seem to apprehend the glaring truth of the present day, that woman's most subtle foe is a tyrant husband. It is might, not right, that decides the destiny of the married woman. You know I am not by any means, the only one you have thus taken in here, to please a cruel husband. You have received many since I have been here, such as Mrs. "Wood, Mrs. Miller, Mrs. Kenny, and many others. Indeed Doctor, this fact has become so notorious here, that our at- tendants echo the remark made by Elizabeth Bonner, the other day, viz : ' I did once think I would get married ; but since I have been here, and seen so many wives brought here by their husbands, when nothing ails them, that I am resolved never to venture to marry in Illinois ! I can take better care of myself, alone." " And Doctor, I agree with her in this conclusion. It is fatally dangerous to live in Illinois, under such laws, as thus expose the personal liberty of married women. This kind of married slavery is worse than negro slavery, and it must be abolished before the reign of righteousness prevails. Reso- lution is pacific, and I am resolved to secure peace on no prin- ciple but justice, freedom and right. With resolution, firm MB. WELLS. 253 and determined, I am resolved to fight my way through all obstacles to victory to the emancipation of married woman! I assume that my personal identity is my God given right, and I claim that this right shall be recognized in the settlement of this great woman question. None to my knowledge sustain me in my path of self-deny- ing obedience to the cause of married woman's emancipation. Bnt when the victory is achieved, there will be no lack of voices to chant this triumph. If, while in the hottest of this battle, some of these plaudits could be heard, it would be a help far more needed and welcome than when we have laid off our armor. But he whom God guards is well guarded. It is the fate of many who seek to do good, to have to resist their friends, and face their foes. To be God's chosen instru- ment to raise woman to her proper position is a glorious office, and those who win this crown, must be willing to bear this cross. The public conscience is in motion, and the great mor- al force my enemies are struggling against is the gospel, en- forced by conscience. LIX. Interview with Mr. Wells, of Chicago A Tictim of Homesickness. At one of our dancing parties, I had the satisfaction of meeting Mr. Wells, of Chicago, whom I found upon acquain- tance, to be a man of pleasing address, of fine talents, and possessing a good share of learning and intelligence. While others were engaged in dancing, we would oftentimes be conversing on subjects of common interest respecting the management of the Asylum. There seemed to be a perfect coincidence in our views in relation to this subject, and we secretly agreed upon a plan of exposing it when we got out. But he became a victim of homesickness to the highest degree, which caused his death. This long pent up indignation would sometimes vent itself in vehement language. For ex- 254 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. ample, one night at our dance, I inquired if he had heard from his friends. He replied in a most vehement and impressive manner, "Friends ! I have no friends ! I will never have a friend again ! They have been the curse of my life ! Curse on all the friends I ever had ! " I told him I could respond to his sentiment, as could almost all others who have been put in here by their friends. It is indeed now true, that "a man's foes are they of his own household." And if any doubt it, I think if they were once put in here by their friends, they would then be compelled to believe it. I told him what a Miss Hall, a very smart young lady said, who had been here for a few weeks; " If my friends can put me into such a place as this, they can not care anything for me ; I am knocked about as if I were nothing but a dog. I am Miss Smith's mere slave or brute. It is enough to drive one's senses and intellect all away from them, to be treated as we are. Those who have established such institutions must be criminals ! What can they mean, to let that saucy, mean girl drive us about so ? And there is no escape, no appeal from her impudence!" "And, Mr. "Wells," I added, "have you not ascertained that this is one of the most prominent features of the ' treat- ment' we are sent here to receive? They must make us feel that we are utterly deserted, with no sort of appeal, to inspire in us a reverence for the despotic will which rules supreme here." "Despotic will ! There never was a greater despot lived, than now lives in that man," pointing to Dr. McFarland, who was now approaching us. "But we must separate the Doctor must not see us together." Saying this, he arose and walked to another part of the hall. After the Doctor left the hall, we resumed our conversation. " Mr. Wells, have you suffered from Dr. McFarland's tyranny, personally?" "Indeed I have; I could now show the deep ridges upon my limbs here," placing his hands upon his lower limbs, just above his knees, "marks of the rope with which I have been bound to the bed rack in the lowest ward ! " MR. WELLS. 255 ""What! you bound with ropes! what did they bind you for?" "Because I insisted upon having my little poodle dog in my room for my amusement, and his safety. I had just paid three dollars for it, intending to carry it as a present to my little son at Chicago. But being denied this solace, I con- trived to evade the command to take it from me; and finding it in the coal-bin, when I was out one day, I managed to get it back, unnoticed, to my room. But alas ! this happiness soon terminated ; for orders soon came from head quarters, that 'Mr. Wells be put into the lowest ward, and confined to the bed rack, as his penalty for this act of disobedience.' I made every appeal possible to Dr. McFarland, to induce him to mitigate my sentence; but all in vain. Said I, 'Doc- tor, you are a father, can you not sympathize with me in my desire to receive a welcome from my darling boy, and in return bestow upon him a gift which I know will delight him?' He made no reply, whatever, but turned away as if he heard not a word I said ! " "That is just as he has treated me, although physical abuse I have not suffered ; yet, what is worse, I feel his- iron grip upon my every inalienable right all, all are at his bid- ding, subject wholly to his will alone. Mr. Wells, this is a State Institution, can you tell me how such a despotism could have taken root on Illinois soil ? " " Mrs. Packard, the people of Illinois know nothing about this Institution, except through the Doctor's one-sided reports. He, himself, has run the Institution into a despotism, and now it is hard to convince a blinded public of it, as he has made them feel that he is almost infallible. He is of Scotch descent, and he has stamped the monarchical feeling of his nature up- on this nominally republican Institution." "But can it not be known? Can't we tell of it, when we get out?" "Yes, Mrs. Packard, I am determined upon that. I com- mand a printing press at Chicago, and I will print all you will write, and will write myself ; and this shall be the first great 256 THE PEISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. work I shall do, after I get out of this place. I am determined in this matter. But don't let the Doctor know of this fact, for he never will let us out alive if we do." " But I have already told him of my determination, and that is what he is keeping me for." " 0, Mrs. Packard, you will never get out then ; but I will tell of your case when I get out, and help you, if I can." Here the party broke up, and taking his offered arm, he escorted me to the door of my room, where we parted forever, with these words; while bending over me, he whispered in my ear: "Mrs. Packard, my press shall be used for your benefit; but, Keep dark ! Keep dark!" In one week from this time Mr. Wells was a corpse. His desire to see or hear from his wife and children in Chicago, reached such a pitch of intensity, that nature could bear no more. His large, capacious brain became convulsed under the mental agony of too long suspense of hope of hearing from his wife too long deferred, and these fits continued, with but few very short lucid intervals, until he died. The day he died, Mary, the Doctor's youngest daughter, came to my room, and remarked, with tears in her eyes, "It is too bad ! it is too bad ! Father ought to have sent Mr. Wells' letter." " What do you mean, Mary?" "About one week ago Mr. Wells gave father a letter, to be mailed to his wife. In this letter he wrote how terribly homesick he was how he could not stand it much longer without hearing from her that if she disappointed him this time, it would kill him. He knew it would kill him. The hope of getting a reply to this letter would keep him up until there had been time to get a reply, and then ' if I don't get one, I shall die. I can't bear another disappointment and live through it.' He then asked his wife's forgiveness for all the hard things he had spoken or written about her putting him into such a place, saying, as his only excuse, 'You can not imagine how much I am suffering. But I can, and will, for- give all, if you will now take me out, or even write and tell me you will do so. But if you do not promptly respond to ASYLUM SABBATH. 257 this letter, in some way, farewell forever ! It will be my last! I shall die of anguish !' Now," she added, "Mr. Wells is dead, and father has got that letter yet! " The very day he expected a reply, and got nothing, he went into convulsions, which continued until he died. LX. An Asylum Sabbath. It was my good fortune to find the Sabbath day here ob- served or kept in what I call a Christian manner. It was observed as a day of rest, as God's command requires. There were more tumbled beds, this day, than any other. The rule of other days, " keep them off their beds," was, in a measure, suspended on this day for rest. It was very seldom that com- pany entered the wards on this day, therefore this suspension of the rules for " display," was no detriment to the reputation of the house. I felt thaj, for myself, I could better meet the demands of my conscience under the influence of this house, than I ever could outside of its walls. As I had all my life been connected with a minister's family, I found, of course, little time for the rest the command enjoined upon me. Be- sides attending to the necessary labor attending eating and sleeping, as on other days, I was obliged not only to dress myself, but my children also, for church and Sunday school, and attend two or three public services, besides the Sunday school and teacher's meeting, perhaps, in addition; so that when my resting hour arrived, I would usually feel more the need of rest from weariness, than any other day of the week. Now, since I have allowed my common sense a little latitude in this direction, I am convinced I was then breaking the Sabbath, most egregiously, by pursuing this course. Instead of being rested as I ought to have been, in mind and body, by the Sabbath, I so used it as to unfit myself for the renewal of weekly toil with fresh vigor. 258 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. I now understand that God rested from his labor on the Sab- bath, and so should we. He has so constituted us, that more than six days of continued, unbroken labor, without extra rest, i? a detriment to our mental and physical faculties. To go to meeting too much, may be breaking the spirit of the command, as well as working too much. It is rest that we need, and it is rest we should feel bound to take on this day, as an act of obedience to a law of our nature. We should so spend the day as to find ourselves refreshed and invigorated for the active duties of our calling j otherwise we break the Sabbath. LXI. Letters to Dr. McFarland. INSANE ASYLUM, April 28, 1862. DR. McFABLAND ; It is time for me to know whether you are indeed my friend or enemy. My stand must be immova- bly taken to treat you as a friend, or just as your own actions reveal to me your true position. You must allow me to be my own keeper, by giving me a key or a pass, or you compel me to regard myself as a most wronged and injured woman, whose self-respect requires her to regard you as her subtle foe. Yes, Doctor, if after all the love and kindness, light and rea- son, forbearance and trust I have so implicity reposed in you, as a truthful, honest man, you now resist these combined in- fluences, and persist in your wrong doing, I must be true to you, and unvail your character to the world. If you attempt to sustain your character, by defaming mine, and by that act compel me to defend my own, by exposing yours, you must see that by so doing, you will work out your own destruction. Dr. McFarland, the simple story of my wrongs which I have received at your hands, since I entered this house, pub LETTERS TO DR. MCFARLAND. 259 lished as they will be for the world's perusal, will arouse such indignation in community as will hurl you from your high posi- tion, to your proper place, and your family will be, through you, so stigmatized, that coming ages will hold your name in contempt. 0, Dr. McFarland, I have hoped even against hope, that the adamant of your proud heart, would be permeated by the force of truth, so that you could be saved from ruin, instead of be- ing ruined to be saved. But if you will not do me the simple act of justice which it is in your power to do, I must do you the justice your neglect demands. Or as I told you in my Reproof if you will not be my deliverer, you must witness my deliver- ance in your destruction. Your true Friend, E. P. W. P. ANOTHER LETTER TO DE. MCFARLAND. July 12, 1862. My Professed Friend I am exceedingly sorrowful, and it may be unto death, unless some of my many sorrows are by some means alleviated. And 0, Dr. McFarland, strange as it may seem, my fond heart turns instinctively to you, as my helper! What a paradox of inconsistencies we are. Now my reason and judgment, and my most bitter experience as- sures me there is no hope for me in this quarter ; still, my heart will turn to man, as my protector, and there is no man left but you to turn to. You must do something, or the bow long strained to its ut- most tension will break. I cannot bear these accumulated burdens of life much longer. And 0, to save one who has been the truest friend you ever had, will you not grant me one request ? 0, dare I utter it only to be denied, or to re- ceive only a silent, heartless, indifferent response ? Dr. McFarland, will you not remove me forthwith to the County poor-house, where I understand the law allows you to put those whom you regard as worthless members of society hopelessly insane persons. 0, do let me speedily take the position your decision assigns me on earth, with Mr. Stickney, as a hopelessly insane pauper of this State for life ! 260 THE PRISONER S HIDDEN LIFE. Do not longer compel me to be tortured by being eye and ear witness to abuses which my afflicted sisters here are constantly liable to receive at Miss Smith's hands. Miss Smith says herself that she is not fitted for her place that she is con- scious she is getting worse and worse every day still she says that you say you do not wish to part with her. 0, Doctor if it is to agonize me, that she is retained, your end is accom- plished. Another thing, my table fare cannot be more uncongenial to my feelings. To sit down to an oil cloth covered table, with nothing upon it to eat except what is distributed upon our plates, and if that is insufficient in quality or quantity, our only remedy lies in picking up what we can find of the leavings from off the plates of the filthy maniacs; since the food is all distributed before we sit down, except the bread, and to that we are not entitled until all fragments are dis- posed of. Since I eat no hog meat, I am often compelled to make my entire meal on bread and potatoes and salt, sometimes no butter. 0, you cannot imagine, until placed in our circumstances, how delightfully refreshing was a taste of a pine apple which your kind Mary brought me yesterday, from your table, after searching in vain to find anything to satisfy myself from the leavings of the maniacs. And Sir, to one who has uniformly moved in the choicest and best society, and with feelings refined and cultivated, it is humiliating in the extreme, to be thus situated. And for what, am I thus cast out as evil, to spend the remainder of my life among those who are regarded as the filth and offscouring of humanity ?" 0, well may this country be draped in mourning, while by its heaven defying laws, it upholds such iniquity ; such abuse of woman ! Do please, speak to me upon this subject if noth- ing more, for total indifference to my sufferings and wrongs is more intolerable to my nature than frank denial. Your friend in anguish of spirit. E. P. W. P. But this, like all other appeals, either spoken or written, ATTENDANT DISHCABGED. 261 the Superintendent chose to take no notice of whatever, seemingly for the express purpose of torturing the feelings of his helpless prisoner, to the highest point of endurance. 0, the anguish of spirit that man has the psychological power of inflicting upon woman, no language can describe, For her sake, Great God, break his power speedily! LXIL My Attempt to get an Attendant Discharged. MY NOTE TO MY ATTENDANT. Miss SMIT-H : I advise you to resign your office as attend- ant, on the ground of your incompetency to fill the office as it should be filled, on account of your quick, overbearing temper. Your health is not good, and your nerves are in danger of becoming incurably diseased, by the strain upon them, which your present responsibilities demand. For your own good, I ask you to resign immediately, and in this way supersede a discharge on the ground of abusive treat- ment of the patients. Your true friend, E. P. W. P. MY NOTE TO DR. TENNY. DR. TENNY: It is wicked for you to keep so incompetent an attendant here, as Miss Smith, on account of her quick, overbearing temper. If you do not discharge her forthwith, I shall expose you to the world, for sustaining an attendant who treats the patients worse than brute beasts. Miss Hall came to my room yesterday, and said, " Can I not get away from the influence of that wicked, vile girl, who knocks us around as if we were dogs, and the men don't seem to be much better, for they don't care how we are treated when we are alone ; it is enough to drive all my senses out of me." Dr. Tenny, 'tis true, the patients are actually afraid of their lives, from Miss Smith's violent, insane temper. She certainly shows more devilment than any person in the hall. 262 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Miss Bailey is prepared to endorse me, for she says she will not bear the blame of Miss Smith's abuses. She says it is wrong, and she will not bear the responsibility any longer. There is not one in this house, who knows Miss Smith, but what feels that she is wholly incompetent for her position, on account of her temper; and how dare you defy the public sentiment of this land, in countenancing such abusive treat- ment of the insane in this Institution ? I asurse you, you are running an awful risk in so doing. An act of indiscretion on her part, the night of the last dance alone, entitles her to a discharge, independent of her abuse of the patients. She locked Mr. Jones and Miss Bailey in our dining room, where they had gone to extinguish the gas, and left them there alone, in total darkness, and went off, leaving her key in the door. Miss Bailey felt much hurt; and she had good reason to feel that she had been insulted mistreated. It is a wanton exposure of her reputation ; and if the Doctor will discharge Miss M , and retain Miss Smith, he is certainly an unjust man, and is a respecter of persons in his judgment. Yours truly, E. P. "W. P. Miss Smith carried my note to her to Dr. McFarland, and he read it. She asked him if he wished her to leave, adding, "if you do, I will." She said he replied, that he did not wish her to leave. She added, she was tired of the wards, and would like to change her situation. He said she might have the first opening in the ironing room, in exchange for the wards. So this is all the good it does to try to influence Dr. McFar- land, by reasons based in truth. Appeals in the name of humanity seem to have lost all power over him. I have reason to believe that Mrs. Coe told him of all the cases of abuse mentioned in the document for the Independent, for she assured me she should tell him, if he could be made to listen. She said, he might turn away, and not hear it, as he often did; like the deaf adder, he would not hear. But if he would not hear the truth from her, he has received it from me, and knows Miss Smith is an abusive attendant. Still he keeps her. Miss Smith told me, yesterday, that the ATTENDANT DISCHARGED. 261 Doctor had never reproved her for misusing the patients, nni ever tried to restrain her. No principle controls the Doctor' actions, except that of policy. I often think of what Mrs. Grere, one of the sufferers here, said: "If Dr. McFarland won't do right, can't he be made t& do right by some power?" 0, yes, Mrs. Grere, there is . power which can make him do right, and that is the power o' a just law. Let justice but unsheathe its flaming sword, an like all tyrants when they discover a power above them, hif proud heart, will be led to beg for that mercy which h now refuses to others. Miss M , to whom reference is made in the last sen tence of my note to Dr. Tenny, is a poor, dependent orphan an outcast from her Catholic friends, on account of her having enbraced Protestant views. She is about eighteen yean old, and has been made self-reliant at a very early age, by hei surroundings. Her strength and maturity of character ara thereby far in advance of her years. She has a genuine Irish heart, loving and affectionate in the extreme ; buoyant ana happy in her disposition, firm and uncompromising with injus tice and iniquity of every kind. She has filled, at different times, several offices here, as supervisor, attendant, and assistant matron. She was also Hattie McFarland's most intimate friend. She was invariably kind to the patients, from principle, as well as feeling. She was an attendant ot my ward at the time she was discharged, and I regarded her as one of the kindest and most sympathizing friends the patients ever had among those employed here. She was frolicsome and sportive, the welcome companion of all. She seemed to feel neither above nor beneath any one. She claimed the respect of all, on the ground of deserving it. Such was her character a perfect contrast to that of Mis? Smith. The latter is independent, as to friends, property, and influence; and still, the good Dr. McFarland would dis charge this kind, dependent orphan, and protect the wicked, independent Miss Smith, simply because he chose to do so, for reasons best known to himself. The indiscreet, 264 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. thoughtless act which occasioned Miss M 's discharge, was going with Hattie McFarland into the gentlemen's ward, and walking over their newly made beds in the dormitory, and thus enraging the feelings of the attendant, Mr. Po, who prided himself exceedingly on his skill in bed making. He went, under the influence of his excited feelings, to the Doc- tor, and procured her discharge. She felt too indignant at this ungallant act, to make any apology to him for trampling his beds, therefore her discharge could not be repealed. If Dr. McFarland felt that the interests of his Institution demanded this sacrifice of the orphan's situation and means of support, he had a right so to do. This favoritism of the Doc- tor in judgment, appears to have hardened his moral sensi- bilities, so that, added to his other perpetrated wrongs, he seems to be approaching that state in which it is easy to "believe lies," rather than the truth " whose damnation is just," the Bible says. But since damnation does not mean eternal torment, but simply a terrible process of painful dis- cipline, for the good of the sufferer, I look beyond this aw- ful gulf to their prospective future, and see them restored, redeemed, purified, lost to all that is evil, alive to good only. There I see the triumph of the Cross. Can Christ, who gave his life to redeem the whole world, leave such a man as Dr. McFarland in endless torment, and still be true to his promises ? If Judas, whom Christ him- self called a " devil," is a member of the human family, and on this ground entitled to the benefits of redemption, why can not Dr. McFarland, or any other sinner, have as good a title ? But since, as a man, he has sinned, and thus pervert- ed, but not destroyed his nature, as such, he will be made to repent, and thus secure his lost image lost, or obscured by sin, temporarily. But occultation is not annihilation. Being under the power of evil for a time, and the manhood being entirely eclipsed thereby, does not extinguish the orb of hu- manity, which is eventually to shine with the effulgence of the Deity, for it is a part of the Godhead itself. In every SOMETHING NEW. 265 human soul God multiplies himself. If the perversion of our being is to be the endless law of our nature-, in a single instance, then evil is omnipotent, and nature, or good, is its subject. But it is not so ; nature, or the God-given tenden- cies of our being are the only ineradicable influences in the universe. These perversions or irregularities, are but the temporary effects of an antagonistic force, whose principle is destined to ultimate destruction. LXIII. A new Attendant Installed Something New. Miss Adelaide Tryon,a young school girl of eighteen years, was introduced into our ward, to take Miss Smith's place. To all appearances, she is a girl of weak mind, and small abilities ; but time alone well test her, and develop whether she is fitted for the place or not. My first impressions of her are not good, still I intend to suspend judgment till a fair trial. My mind may be a little prejudiced, from my first interview. I went into the dining room, after breakfast as usual, to get my ice, when I met her at her duties. Since the ice had notcorne up, I waited a few minutes, and entered into a conversation with her. She an- swered me rather short and abruptly, evidently trying to im- press the idea upon my mind, that she regarded me as be- neath her notice, except as her under servant. She ordered me to hand her the knives and forks, for her to put around the table, which I did; after which she ordered me out of the dining room. I silently obeyed, and returned to my room to ponder over the peculiar trials to which an imprisonment among maniacs rendered our moral nature lia- ble. "While upon my knees praying for grace and patience to boar them with a Christian spirit, my devotions were suspend- ed by the entrance of Miss Hall. She came with a full heart M 266 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. of grief and sorrow to pour out her complaints to me. Here God had sent me a remedy for my own sorrows ; I must bear her burdens, to lighten my own. Like many others here, Miss Hall is suffering for the sins of her friends towards her, and now in addition, she has to bear the sins of Dr. McFar- land's injustice towards her. After she left, Miss Tryon came to my room and attempted to bolt in, very uncermoniously. I arose and opened the door and introduced her in, when she, in a very abrupt man- ner, remarked, " I came in to see what you were doing; what have you in your hand ? Are you fond of reading?" etc. After answering her civilly, I tried to converse with her in an intelligent, ladylike manner ; to which she seemed heed- lessly indifferent, evidently seeming to regard what I said, as idle talk, beneath her notice. Here, this little school girl feels at liberty to lord it over me as much as she chooses, re- garding me and my society with contempt ! Mean as she seems, I wish to do her good as a sister. But in order to do so, I think I must tell her that I am not her servant that she is my servant, that I am a boarder here, and she a hired, servant to wait upon the boarders. If she at- tempts to rule over me, I shall regard it as an insult, such as I shall feel morally bound to resent. But by forbearance and patience, she may be led to see her faults for herself, and avoid them in future. I have told her that I was the means of get- ting her here, for it was through my influence that Miss Smith was finally discharged from the ironing room, since I reported her to the Doctor for her abuse of the patients. She said, "you won't report me, will you?" "I don't expect to have occasion to do so, for I trust you will be kind to them.' It is due Miss Tryon to add that she became a reasonable and kind attendant ; and so far as her subsequent treatment of me was concerned, I had no occasion to complain of her, and as providence appointed, I was delegated by her father to be her guardian 1 This was a new thing in Asylum life, to have an attendant put under the care of a patient ! The facts are these : Miss Tryon one day brought he^ 1 father to my room, MY PROTEST. 267 and after introducing us, as I responded to her ladylike knock, by opening the door, she left -us, and I asked him into my room, when we soon found ourselves engaged in earnest and intelligent conversation. As he took his leave, he remarked, "Mrs. Packard, I see you are a sensible woman; now, may I not be allowed to place my daughter under your charge, since she is young and inexperienced, and needs the guardian- ship of some one like yourself." " Certainly Mr. Tryon, I not only thank you for the com- pliment, but I should be happy to accept the charge, and will promise you I will be to her a true friend." Apparently pleased and satisfied with my response, he took a respectful leave, and joined his daughter in her room, where he asked her about me, who I was, etc. To her reply that I was a patient, he expressed his aston- ishment by exclaiming. " Why, she is the most intelligent lady I ever saw ! There is not the least particle of insanity about her 1 There must be some mistake about that." " I think so too," she replied, "for she has been just as she is now, during the three weeks I have been here, and all in the house say she has been just the same, ever since she has been here." "There must be some mistake there is foul play somewhere I shall speak to Dr. McFarland about this, 1 ' replied her father. And he did speak ; and the result was, Miss Tryon, had express orders from Dr. MdFarland never to let her fa- ther into the ward again 1 LXIY. My Protest Deprives me of no Privileges. Miss Tryon our new attendant has gone home on a visit of two days. I asked her to let me have her keys while she was absent, urging that Miss Tomlin did so when she went away, 268 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. sometimes that the Doctor knew of it, as I had told him, and he had simply bowed assent. Still I told her not to grant my request without asking the Doctor's permission ; she, be- ing a new attendant, it would not be best for her to take. such a responsibility. She asked the Doctor and he refused his consent. Now the point is established in my mind that I sacrifice no privileges in keeping my promise to never return a voluntary prisoner to the ward. For he had before directed the attendants not to let me out of the wards, and he had him- self forbidden my going to the chapel any more after I had protested. Now his professing to wish me to enjoy the privi- leges of the house, are shown to be entirely hypocritical and false. He only wishes to break down my conscience by thus trying to induce me to break my word and lie. Did he feel willing I should enjoy the parole which his other prisoners do, he would give me a pass or a key as he does to Mrs. Page, a prisoner here, and some others. He only wishes to make the impression that my confinement is self-imposed, when in reality it is just as he wishes, and just as he would have it if I had not made my vow. I know, by his -artifice and sophistry, he can use it in a way to vindicate himself; when in .reality he would not have it otherwise, had I not entered my protest. He gravely tells me he wants I should enjoy the privileges of the house, and then when I desire it for two days only, he even denies me this limited day of grace. He knows I could not go out and return a prisoner, but by having a key I could and not break my vow, and now he won't grant this favor for even two days. If he denies me this privilege for two days, what reason have I to think I could have it all the time? None at all. He thinks his sagacity will take me captive on this point; but let us see if the saga- city of some other intelligence is not equal to his own here too. I have only to maintain a consistent, upright course, by simply doing right in all respects, and thus I shall in the end overcome his selfish policy in protecting himself in doing wrong. How I do long to see the issue of this long sad drama ! My FAVORITISM. 269 faith has long since assured me what to expect, but visions only, will not entirely satisfy me. Dr. Tenny does all he can to help my spirits, by his respectful attention to my wants. I can go to him with my requests, and they are not met with a repulse. The moral barometer indicates a storm, but I fear it not, I am in no danger with my Pilot. Nor am I discouraged be- canse so many tempests betide me. The last will sometime have passed away. Then with my dear little ones, I shall find a safe harbor, where we shall find rest from fear of evil. My entire trust is in the skill of my faithful Pilot to guide my foundering bark o're this life's tempestuous sea. If I am wrecked, it will be because my Pilot's skill has for the first time been inadequate to the great emergency. Then I must be the first one to proclaim, " There is no safety in trusting to the God within human wisdom is superior to the divine 1" The end of this vision will speak for God, and not against him. I never will take the destiny of my own life, into my own hands by doing wrong, nor will I seek to escape present trouble by disregarding the monitions of my own conscience. I am fully determined to see where simple obedience to God's will, as indicated by my guide, will land me. The world shall know, by one faithful experiment, how trust in God is reward- ed. If my course leads to ruin, it is because we have no safe guide, within, upon which to rely. Dr. McFarland a Respecter of Persons. LXY. I showed Dr. McFarland the reply of Henry M. Parker, Esq., to the District Attorney of the United States Court, Boston, Mass., after he had relinquished the case against the Gordons, for treason. In this he had shown that it was dan- gerous business to arrest citizens for mere differences of 270 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. opinions, and calling it treason, without proof from their own acts, that they were traitors. He said the people would not tolerate it, but would arraign and prosecute such for their acts; and not only so, but would make them liable to civil action for damages. I told him the same principles were involved in this case, as in my own ; that I had been charged with insanity with- out proof, and my persecutors were liable to be called to pay the damages due me for this unconstitutional act of abuse and outrage upon my constitutional rights as an American citizen. He treated the whole subject with utter contempt, as be- neath his notice, simply because the sentiments expressed were those of a lawyer, rather than those of a judge! I told him the principle was the same, whoever uttered it. My nature compels me to hold all truth in respect, whoever is its medium. It is not the medium which gives character or importance to truth, but the evidence it carries within itself, that it is truth, whose author is God himself. I feel as much bound to respect the utterances of truth coming from an insane person, as from any other, even Dr. McFarland himself, or any other great man. What an index does this furnish of the Doctor's character 1 Is he not a man-pleaser rather than a God-pleaser? Does he not care more for the praise of men than for that of God? Is the approval of his own conscience of as great importance to him, as the favor of men? Of great men who can promote him to some post of honor? Would he not yield his conscientious scru- ples, if they impeded his temporal advancement? God only knows! But since "by their fruits we are to know them," I should infer from this expression of sentiment, that he was wanting in real integrity, in manly principle. Here I, who so much long to see some manhood on whom I can rely as an earthly protector, am left entirely to the tender mercies of such a false, perverted man. He seems to hold my temporal destiny entirely at his disposal. Shut out, as I am, from the world, and all communication KIDNAPPING THE SOUL. 271 with it, except through the medium of this unprincipled man, who would not scruple to misrepresent to any degree, to pro- mote and accomplish his sinister purposes, how can I expect the real truth can ever be known ? Yesterday he gave additional instructions to guard our hall from the visits of strangers, doubtless fearing some secret communication through them to me, thus forming a link with the world. He evidently trusts to his sagacity in keeping me hidden, as his means of self-defense. Yes, Dr. McFar- land, all your sagacity is demanded, to defend yourself from trouble on my account. You have already allowed this house to be employed as an Inquisition too long, to satisfy the tax payers that you are a proper man for your position. These tax payers have a right to demand of you how their money has been expended. When the truth is known, that you have employed it in perverting it from its appropriate use benefiting the insane and have employed it in perse- cuting some of the best of American citizens, they will iudignantly demand satisfaction. When I think of my present situation how utterly help- less, hopeless, defenseless, and wretched it is, so far as natural appearances indicate, and then contrast it with your prospects for the future, I am led to feel it is not the worst possible after all. My hopes are all in the future ; yours are buried in the past. My worst fears have been realized: yours are to come. I am suffering from falsehood and slander ; you are to suffer from the truth. I have the promises, for my support; you, the threatenings to dread ! LXVL Kidnapping the Soul. Another remark Dr. McFarland made, which found no response in my nature, except a feeling of scorn and indigna- tion I told him what I had done here as evidence of my possessing practical talents, by which I was fully capacitated 272 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. to take care of myself and others. His reply was, "There is a lady in the lowest ward who can do all these things ! " What is this argument ? Is it not because one whom we consider unquestionably insane can do these things, that it is no proof of your rationality, to be able to do them ? I replied, "Perhaps there is; but can she show by her writing, which is a correct index of the state of the mind, that she is intellectually sound; and does her conversation and conduct show her to be morally sound, with no irregular- ities in any department of character ?" I believe I know several cases there, who are not insane at all ; but, by calling them so, and keeping them there, leads them to regard themselves as hopeless cases, just as he is try- ing to do by me. I believe he lias deprived hundreds of their earthly existence, as accountable beings ; and he, as yet, has in no instance, been called to account for it. 0. it is high time that this thing be looked into, and restitution be made. I could have replied, that "Hurd, a very crazy old man, could rake hay better than he could, and therefore he was an insane man on the same plane as Mr. Hurd." Is not the slander of insanity the most cruel kind of defa- mation that can be instigated against another? From what right does it not exclude us, except that of eating and sleep- ing like animals? Nothing more or less. And can this highest of all wrongs and insults to a human being, be looked upon with any degree of allowance, by him who bestowed these moral natures upon man ? the very godhead thus crushed out of a human being, and he be made to believe that he is only a brute beast, with no claims upon his fellow crea- tures, higher than theirs to put a high toned, sensitive, developed human soul upon this level, by base design, for base purposes, by the basest of malicious lies ! Is it not a sin of the deepest die ? Can there be any greater blasphemy against God, or against the Holy Ghost? I know, by tasting this cup to its bitterest dregs, what it is to feel this deepest wrong this kidnapping of the soul depriving a human be- ing of his God bestowed accountability. To kidnap a human KIDNAPPING THE SOUL. 2 / 8 being, and treat him as a slave, is a terrible outrage upon human nature ; but this is not to be compared with the still blacker crime of kidnapping their accountability, and making them nothing but brutes. Slaves are allowed to exert their abilities to work, and thus feel that somebody is benefitted by them ; but the insane are considered below them. They are not allowed to feel that they are capable of being of any manner of service to the world, but degraded as useless bur- dens, which others must carry through life as paupers, whose only satisfaction to themselves and others, is the fact that they can die, and thus rid the world of a useless animal ! A tender, sensitive girl, who feels this degradation very severely, came to my room this morning and said, "I had rather be taken out and shot, than to be looked upon as an insane person and treated as one.' So had I, and so would hundreds of others here, could they have their choice. death, death is sweet to such a life as this ; and did not conscience interpose a barrier, suicides would be of daily occurrence I A. feeling of relief comes over me, when I hear of such an occurrence, at the thought that one soul more is liberated from tho Asylum. And 0, when one has been thus degraded here, to come back again ! Can anything be more dreadful ! The return of a fugitive to slavery is sad; but sadder far, to sustain a second imprison- ment as an insane person ! An imprisonment as a criminal, does not begin to compare with it in cruelty a criminal is regarded as a moral being. He is not locked up to be de- prived of the godhead within him. His capacity to become a wicked, guilty person is allowed him ; and this capacity, even with guilt attending it, is less to be dreaded, than a feeling of annihilation, an extinction of human capacities and being. This is the "treatment" for which Dr. McFarland endeavors to awaken gratitude in me, for having been permitted to enjoy here freely so long 1 But I can not manifest my grati- tude for this great privilege, by thanking him for thus making me the recipient of so much misery. Since he has recom- 2M 274 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. mended my case to the Trustees, he has regarded the responsibility as resting entirely upon them. Could I ho guiltless in God's sight, and allow another to suffer what I have, for fear of any consequences attending myself? I could never meet my Judge, unless I had given a truthful representation of this Institution! A few may have left here without realizing the nature and tendency of the Asylum System. Either they were too insane to detect and judge correctly of it, or too unsympathizing to feel for others. Others there were, who saw and fully appreciated these things, but who were so overjoyed at their deliverance, that they seemed to forget their former impressions. Others, re- membering them with most vivid distinctness, were heard to avow their resolution, never to speak of these things, outside the Institution, lest it revive these impressions. They looked upon them as a kind of horrid nightmare, which they wished to banish, as soon as possible, from their recollection. LXYII. Orthodox Heaven and Hell. If this is not the Presbyterian heaven and hell combined, so long preached by Mr. Packard, I do not know what is! Endless torment, inflicted by a heartless despot, from whom it was impossible to escape, and whom it is as impossible to move to pity or compassionate his helpless victims, is but the symbol of this Pandemonium. If hope once reaches here, it is in despite of him and his power and influence. This is also their heaven; since we here have hard "seats"' to sit upon, and nothing to do or amuse, except to sit and sing, in presence of the writhing of lost spirits ! Rest and sing ! What rest can a benevolent sympathizing nature experience, while he knows another soul is in torment ! There is no rest for active benevolence. So long as one soul is unredeemed from Satan's power, I must work for that soul's ORTHODOX THEOLOGY. 275 deliverance, before I can sing "Worthy is the Lamb that wag slain to redeem mankind." The confident assurance that it will be redeemed, is the only ground upon which I can rely for peace and quiet in the meantime. Attractive as are the hard seats of heaven for " rest" to the idler to me they have no attraction. All my godlike powers thirst for action, and use. Inert, stupid indifference to others' interests, is, to my social sympathetic nature, a moral impossibility ; and I heartily pray God to deliver me from a mansion in such a heaven, in com- pany with such spirits! My experience of it here in this Asylum, has been enough for me. If this is the character of heaven, for which we have borne the discipline of our earth life, I say I wish my earth life never to terminate, for such a heaven of "rest" is hell to to me. Again, can hell be a worse institution than this, while it punishes the best citizens for the offenses of the worst ? There have been hundreds imprisoned in it whose only offense is be- ing true to the promptings of the spirit of God within them. They are more natural, more godlike than their cotempora- ries, and the laws are so insane in their application, that they punish the best citizens, for the offenses of the worst. The dictatorial dogmatist contrives with the sagacity which the "old serpent" imparts to him. to so misrepresent and vilify the honest self-sacrificing Christian, who is striving to live out the dictates of an enlightened conscience, that he is either compelled to compromise with iniquity, or, if steadfast for .the right, he is made to endure the false charge of insanity. Henceforth he must be regarded as an incompetent being, incapable of self-government, and thus subject to all the abuses and insults which can be heaped upon him. Like his Master, he is now called to pass through Gethsemane's garden alone, with none to listen to his sorrows, or alleviate his anguish, with wakeful, generous sympathy. Even his own familiar friend, in whom he trusted, his bosom companion , has lifted his heel against him, and now no one dares to comfort or de- fend him against this accuser. 276 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. Thus forsaken, deserted, desolate, he finds no refuge left him, except the tower of faith, whose dome of love shelters his lonely heart. If that tower is so strongly fortified as to prove invulnerable, he is safe. If not, he is left refugeless, with no home or shelter on earth or in heaven. He is now the ready prey for the roaring lion, who delights in his ruin. He then becomes insane, made so, by the indefatigable efforts of his friends, aided by the evil influences of this inquisition. His high and noble nature is driven to desperation by these combined forces, and his reason becomes lost in frenzied im- pulse ! Why, O, why, is it that such institutions were per- mitted to get a foothold upon the free soil of our republican- ism? Why cannot our natures, made in God's image here, be allowed free scope for a natural development ? Why cannot the intellectual and spiritual nature of man here have free scope to run to perfection ? Is it because the spiritual nature of man can only become perfected by opposition, by restraint, by overcoming obstacles ? Can its strength and power of self reliance be only thus acquired ? Oh if the blood of martyrs must be the seed of this Spiritual Church, as it has been of the Christian Church, cannot the long list of martyrs which this Institution has furnished, be sufficient for this age of spiritual development? or, must every stage of spiritual pro- gress be thus marked by the sable robes of martyrdom ? Is not the time at hand when man may be free to obey the im- pulses of his spiritual nature, without being called insane ? These holy influences I cannot, will not, resist, defenceless as I am. The inner law of my own mind shall never yield to human dictation, encouraged by the conviction that the end of this American Inquisition cannot be far distant. LXVIII. A Scene in the Fifth Ward A Good Omen. One afternoon, Miss Tryon came to me in quite an ex- v asted condition, exclaiming, " I am actually weak and A GOOD OMEN. 277 faint from witnessing a scene of abuse in the lowest ward. Bridget Welch, Elizabeth Bonner's assistant, has been treat- ing one of her patients most barbarously. I never saw a human being so basely abused. Bridget, in her passion, seemed more like a fiend than a woman. If Dr. McFarland could have seen and known how she treated her patient, and approved of it, he must be a very different man from what I had supposed." I told her " the Doctor does know and approve of things most horrible here. I could prove that Elizabeth Bonner had said the Doctor once caught her, in one of her passions, abusing her defenseless victim, and gave her a smile of appro- bation, leaving her to expend her fury to her heart's content." She replied, that Bridget had told her that she and Eliz- abeth were fighting Miss Rollins, and the Doctor caught them at it, and simply passed on, exclaiming as he passed, " That is right; give it to her, unless she will give up." " But," she added, " it don't sound like Dr. McFarland." " No, it don't sound like him in his ostensible character, but. I fear it is like him in his real character ; he is a very deceitful man. He looks well after his ostensible character, and plans very adroitly, to delude, deceive, and pervert the truth, so as to shield himself publicly from the imputation of inhumanity. When he finds he has gone too far in encourag- ing abuse, and is in danger of exposure, he is careful to give the tide of feeling a new turn, by discharging the attendant for abuse, and thus reserve to himself the credit of being hu- mane to his patients. Thus he puts upon our merciful sex, the credit of the inhumanity of his acts, and claims to him- self the humanity. In reality, he instigates them to do what their nature revolts at, but what they feel compelled to do, to retain his approval; then he will add abuse to abuse by discharging them for doing as he wished them to do !" She said Bridget Conelly had refused to leave the dining room at the request of Bridget Welch, the attendant. In- stead of dealing gently with her, to induce her to go, they used authority over her, which did not increase her readiness 278 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. to obey. Then commenced a terrible scene of battle; the attendant seized Bridget by the hair, when Miss Tryon came to the rescue. She endeavored to pacify both parties, by trying to induce Bridget Conelly to leave the hall. But her endeavors were not successful in making peace. By the help of another attendant, they undertook to secure the obe- dience of Bridget by brute force. Thus they succeeded in what they called "subduing her." Having done this, and even after the patient had yielded, they inflicted upon her a terrible beating. Then throwing her upon the floor, they kicked, pounded, and stamped upon her with both feet. They repeatedly knocked her head upon the floor with great violence, pulled up her head by the hair, pounding it with vehemence. It seemed as if this process must have beaten all the sense out of her, which was indeed the case. She be- came almost insensible before they finished. Exhausted and overcome with suffering, her strength now entirely failed. In this condition they dragged her, as if she were a dead car- cass, from the dining room, across the long hall, then locked her up, and left her alone to her fate. Miss Tryon said she seemed nearly dead. I said to Miss Tryon, "The Doctor ought to know it." " I do not like to tell him, being a stranger here; and I may get the ill will of the attendants. Dr. McFarland often instructs us to observe the by-laws, which say we must take the attendants 1 part, 'when called upon to do so. and I did not continue to do it when I found how she was misusing her." I felt that I could appreciate her feelings, and could not urge her to tell the Doctor; but 1 felt that a responsibility rested now upon me, and retired to my room to seek wisdom to know and do my duty with reference to it. While thus employed, Miss Tryon came to my door, and asked me to promise her that I would say nothing to the Doctor about it. I told her I would not make such a promise ; that I had the demands of my own conscience to meet, and I should do what seemed my duty. I added, however, "You have nothing to fear, Miss Tryon, from what I do ; it will not harm you, for A GOOD OMEN. Ii79 you are deserving great praise for what you have done. The stand you have taken, has shown you to be true to your na- ture to the dictates of humanity ; such a position can not harm you. It will exalt you more than any course you can pursue. Don't fear to do right ; to be true to your kind instincts, for this is the only true road to preferment." I again asked for light to know my duty, and concluded to report to the Doctor myself. I accordingly did so, when Dr. Tenny came to my room. I have found by observation, that Dr. Tenny possesses a heart. He has not permitted the generous, tender sympathies of his heart to ossify as Dr. McFarland has done, by turning a deaf ear to the claims upon his sympathy, which his suffering patients demanded of him. We can go to Dr. Tenny, feeling that his ear is not deaf to tne dictates of reason and humanity. We find he has a heart to pity, and feel that he will do what, in reason, he can for us. The prompt, vigorous response he made to my ap- peal, shows him to be still alive, and not "dead in trespasses and sins." After patiently listening, and giving me opportu- nity to unburden my heart to him, by telling the particulars of the case, as Miss Tryon related them to me, he sought the Doctor's office with a quick step, and there related the affair as I had told him, accompanying it with such enthusiasm and indignation, that it seemed to arouse the intellect of Dr. McFarland. He saw that unless he did something, others would! He accordingly summoned Bridget and Miss Tryon to his presence, and the latter was called on to relate the story herself. She did so, and Bridget did not deny it. The Doctor then summoned Bridget to his office, and gave her a discharge. Well done, for Dr. McFarland ! You shall have all the credit due you for doing right, whatever influence compels you. 280 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. LXIX. Every Moral Act Influences the Moral Universe. (FROM MY JOURNAL OP 1862.) I congratulated Dr. McFarland upon his energy exhibited in grappling with evil here, in discharging Bridget so promptly. Said I " if you would but pursue this course with equal ener- gy, a little longer, you could soon -eradicate all the abuses which now exist here. Evil begins to hide its head in shame here now, and that is one step towards its extermination. If Lincoln would but grapple with the rebellion with equal en- ergy, and put slavery into the grave it has dug for the Repub- lic as he ought to, the government could be saved." He replied, "he ought to do so, but he is too good a man to do it." " Yes, I see he is afraid to do right, for fear of consequences, but this is not from an excess of goodness, but from a want of it. Goodness dares to do right, fearless of consequences. It is pusilanimity or weakness which fears the result of right doing." I think the most effectual aid we can give Lincoln to bring him to do right, is by doing right ourselves. Every energet- ic act in us adds potency to the moral element by which he is to be moved to action. Every act of a moral agent influen- ces the entire moral universe. Each upright act adds to the strength of goodness or righteousness, and every evil act, gives additional power to the principle of evil. It is like throwing a stone into a lake, the utmost bounds of which feels the influence of the ripple occasioned by its fall. As the ocean is made up of the drops, so the moral universe is com- posed of individual moral acts. Good and evil seem now to commingle in this great ocean life promiscuously, and the cur- rent of both seem now to alternate with almost equal force. What is needed is a condensation of the good influences of the universe into one vast gulf stream, sweeping irresistibly through the groat ocean of moral life, bearing down all obstacles DEATH PENALTY. 281 which evil interpose to its progress. "When this gulf stream is once formed and set in motion, its progress will be irresistible throughout the moral universe. God is now at work separat- ing these elements, and the good is to accumulate and con- dense into one great engine of power for the world's benefit. LXX. The Death Penalty to be Annihilated. Some of the moral forces of the universe have already ripened into vigorous manhood, and through their combined in- fluence, evil is becoming timid, and seeks concealment, which is one step towards its annihilation. Like the concealing of the gallows from public ooservation into the prison yard, within the prison walls, indicating that the death penalty is to be destroyed, and it is now on its way to destruction this may be what is meant by death and hell being destroyed that the death penalty and punishment both are to be annihilated in that community where moral power has acquired its manhood strength, and can stand alone self- reliant, independent of penalties for its existence, just as a child naturally outgrows his educational influences, and with them, the penalties of disobedience, which in his infancy and childhood are necessary helps to his virtues. But when these have acquired manly strength, he no longer needs restraint and penalties, but can be trusted to take care of himself in- dependent of dictation or control from others. In his own heart he has the only monitor he needs for virtuous action, viz : the dictates of an enlightened conscience. Dr. McFarland says he does not believe in annihilating the death penalty for murder that he has not progressed so far as that for lie says, " Did not God command life to be taken for life ? Did he not command Agag to be hewn in pieces as his punishment ?" 282 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. I replied, " Yes, he did, but I do not therefore infer that we have a right so to do for He himself was the law-maker and the executive of the Jewish code. Of course every law was just and right, being wisely adapted to the infant state in which the race of men then existed." He inquired, " do you think the race is in any better condition now than it was then?" " I consider they are in a more developed state ; good and evil are both stronger and more vigorous, because their capa- cities have increased. In consequence of this growth or de- velopment, a different kind of training is required to adapt itself to man's higher nature. For example, you would not feel justified in using the same kind of discipline over your developed son of twenty-one years, as with your son of three or five years. To attempt to compel him with penalties and restraints as you do your child, would be trifling with his manhood, insulting his manly feelings, and would justly bring you and your authority into derision. So God having him- self controlled the race in its childhood, and as their father until they were of age, when they must require a different kind of training, he then abrogated the Jewish code, and in- stituted in its place, the Christian dispensation, of which Christ was the expounder. Now, instead of returning " an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth," we must return good for evil, and leave judgment and vengeance for our wrongs, to Him who judgeth righteous judgment. For he says "ven- geance is mine, T will repay." I do not think it is right for one sinner to punish another sinner. None but a righteous person is capable of inflicting a righteous punishment. God knowing this, instructs us to leave this matter entirely to him- self . He may raise up and qualify a class of capacitated judges from the human race, to whom this power of judgment maybe delegated. "But I think this will never be the case, so long as God's im- age in man is so defaced. This lost image of the godhead must be restored in man, before he can be fitted to be God's representative on the earth as judge of his fellow men. DEATH PENALTY. 283 " I think the time is not far distant when righteousness shall be established on the earth ; when Christ-like men will rule supreme over fallen perverted humanity. Then the demon, Penalty, will give place to the law of love and kindness, by means of which the trangressor will be reformed and restored to virtue, instead of being crushed down and debased by pen- alties as he now is. His god-like nature is now trampled in the dust, and no efforts to rise are encouraged, but rather smothered by attempts to degrade him to the level of a beast. Punishments of a corporeal kind, are only adapted to man as an animal, in the earlier stages of his existence ; their influ- ences can never be salutary after he has become a reasonable and accountable moral agent. He then sins through his rea- son and his intelligence, and he must be punished through his moral faculties as God has ordained. Shame and contrition, must be awakened through the influence of respectful kind- ness, to the wrong doer ; not by trying to degrade the noble faculties of his nature, to a state of insensibility to moral influences by punishments. "The more man becomes developed as a reasonable being, the more sensitive he becomes to those penal enactments whose legitimate tendencies are to obstruct, limit and destroy the natural aspirations of a moral agent. The age of penalties, seems now to have culminated in this horrible civil war, where- in the developed reason of man, is fiendishly employed in in- venting means of destroying one another in the most barbar- ous manner. This crisis once passed, I believe the reign of peace will be inaugurated, wherein virtue will be protected, and cultivated by the influence of love and kindness, entirely independent of penalties and restraints." Now I claim, that these principles of punishment are appli- cable to these Asylum Systems, and also of reforming Dr. McFarland, and other great sinners. 284 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. LXXL I was Punished for Telling the Truth. The power of truth is irresistible, and disturbs this hidden nest of iniquity. I make no side thrusts through fear of the powers that be, knowing that they are wicked powers that cannot harm me, because held in check by the Highest. And so long as I do not prove traitor to this highest power, I can claim protection under it. But the first compromise with these hidden powers of evil cuts me off from all claims to the protection of the higher constitution. They try to make themselves believe that it is slander which I utter when attacking the evils of this house ; still they know them to be sad truths, which they would vainly deny, and reproach me, the medium, as insane, hoping thus to render my testimony nugatory. Did they see I attacked only fancied evils, they would not be thus disturbed by my tes- timony. But since they know it is real tangible truth, which I speak, therefore their consciences accuse them, and in despair they are driven to seek this means of quieting them. Could they only make me act as they have made Mrs. Farn- side act, they would be relieved, of an intolerate burden. Then they could tell of my own actions in support of their theory of my insanity, without telling in connection with them the great provocation which elicited such a mode of defensive action. Mrs. Farnside was subjected to an ordeal which she could not sustain. She fell into a passion before this tempta- tion, and under the influence of this temper, she lost her digni- fied self possession. She descended from the plane of lady-like resentment, to their own low plane of brutality, and acted tlien like her tormentors. Thus she put herself in their power, so that they can now say of her that " they were afraid of her," just as she had had reason to say of them, that "she was afraid of them;" and for this very reason she had to defend herself from them. Although there is precisely the same reason for fear, in both TRUTH'S PENALTY. 285 cases, yet, Mrs. Farnside bearing the brand of insanity, has to be represented as dangerous on account of her insanity, while their own insanity, although more marked, is entirely left out. So it is in this hidden den of iniquity, the innocent do suffer for the guilty actions of their keepers. Seeing at a glance the artful workings of this hidden mode of treatment, I determined to face the enemy in open opposi- tion to the powers that be, resisting all the consequences to myself or others ; therefore I became a staunch advocate and defender of truth and justice, being extremely careful how ever to be just to myself, while I was trying to be just to others. That is, I was careful not to put myself in their pow- er, by coming on to their plane at all. From this higher plat- form of principle, I could look down upon them on their lower plane of passion, policy, "deception and brutality, and, from this standpoint, I could command the moral courage to be their reprover, and their reporter to the world. They envied my position and determined to take my fort by strategy, since open attacks had proved so unsuccessful. Their chagrin at their hitherto signal defeats had become exceedingly embar- rassing, and as their machinery had hitherto proved success- ful in almost every other instance, they were very loth to aban- don the siege. It was for this reason I was kept so long, and made to feel the force of all the combined powers of this dark house of" darkest deeds, before they would abandon the siege against tnis impregnable, invincible fortress of calm self -composure. They feared me, not because I would fight them as Mrs. Farnside- did, but they feared me because I would not fight at all. It was for this reason Dr McFarland wrote to my friends, in the heat of these battles, " Mrs. Pack- ard has become a dangerous patient, it will not be safe to have her in any private family!" And Mr. David Field, of Gran- ville, Illinois, wrote in reply to this information, and very res- pectfully inquired what evidence I had given in my own actions of being a "dangerous patient;" when he insolently replied, "I do not deem it my duty to answer impertintent questions 1" He knew that it would be " dangerous" to have me in any 286 THE PRISONER'S HIDDEN LIFE. private family long, for then they would find out what he had, that I was an uncompromising defender of truth and justice, and such weapons he feared, and might well call them ' l dan- gerous" to his interests in the hands of a free woman ! He knew too well, that no bribes, no threats, no punishments could throw me off from the track I had chosen to pass my earth life upon. And since I had baffled his skill and gigan- tic powers in this attempt, he was sure the only safe place for such a woman, was behind the dead-locks of an Insane Asylum ! Mrs. Chapman told me one night at the dance, that she had inquired of Mrs. McFarland why they did treat me so abusive- ly, so unreasonably, so persistently evil; to which she replied