UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY Class Book Volume MrlO-20M ^ ... _ f Q ^ From the State Journal, Springfield, 111., of January 15, 1877. "There are few, indeed, who could write a more entertaining book than the Rev. J. L. Crane, and lie could not have chosen a subject to which he is so competent to do full justice. ' The Two Circuits ' is descriptive of the first three years of a young Methodist preacher's life in Illinois. The author is familiar with, and formed a conspicuous part in the privations and labors incident to early itinerant pastoral work in Illinois. More- over, he has most happy descriptive powers, a large fund of humor, and a most felicitous and entertaining style of writing." From the Ventral Christian Advocate, St. Louis, Mo." We have no doubt it will prove a fresh, entertaining volume, for the writer has a happy faculty of sketching early Western life and character." From the Editor of the California Christian Advocate, San Francisco, Cal. "The author's first circuit was adjoining our own, just thirty years ago. We remember a sermon he then preached in our pulpit. It was rather racy and imaginative for the staid congregation, yet it showed the preacher to be a poet and a genius. Our paths have di- verged ; we have not met since 1847." From the State Register, Springfield, 111., Jan. 16, 1877. "'The Two Circuits.' This is the title of a forthcoming work of Rev. J. L. Crane, of this city. Parson Crane is a very racy writer, and none who know him will doubt that his endeavors to make his book ' sensible, entertain- ing and instructive ' has been eminently successful." From Rev. Daniel Curry, D. D., Editor of National Repository, Cin- cinnati, March Xo. 1877. "Rev. J. L. Crane, of Illinois Conference, is about to publish a book entitled 'The Two Circuits.' He has had long experience, has been intimate with most of the pioneers, and will give the public a work worth reading. All such books have historic value, and Mr. Crane's four hundred pages will be among the best." On receipt of Two Dollars, <: The Two Circuits" will be sent free, by J. U CRANE, Springfield, 111. "h'Y OF TH UWYEHSITy of iLMNOli Two CIRCUITS. A STORY OF ILLINOIS LIFE, BY J. L. CRANE CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: JANSEN, McCLURG & Co, PUBLISHERS. 1877. REMOTE STORAGE COPYRIGHT 1877, BY J. L. CRANE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. H. W. ROKKER, PRINTER AND BINDER. SPRINGFIELD, ILL. TO GENERAL U. S. GRANT; Who was Colonel of the 21st Illinois Regiment while I was its Chaplain; whom I highly esteemed before he had attained to distinction, and whom I now regard as among the greatest and most upright of heroes and states men, I DEDICATE THIS VOLUME, As a token of my appreciation of his friendship. J. L. C Springfield, Ills., April, 1877. 170971 PREFACE. A friend by my side says, that his principal ob- jection to this book is, that some of the incidents and characters are overdrawn. The "next friend" says, many of them are underdrawn. So, to strike an average, I have left it as originally written. It is in no sense an autobiography. Names and places are mostly fictitious ; yet the majority of the incidents are as I, and others saw and heard them. They did not always transpire in the order here given. I had a love for the hardy yeomanry of the ear- lier days ; for their honest, happy, off-hand man- ners, modes of thought and speech. I was at home among them for years, enjoying their labor, humor, privations, pleasures and worship. I have aimed to make the characters original, fresh and alive with the buoyancy and vivacity of pioneer life. If you, my friendly reader, are averse to a con- sideration of the ludicrous events that do, now and then occur, even in a minister's life, I would advise you not to read very far in these pages. I have conscientiously desired that this book should help and strengthen morality and religion ; but I have never been of the opinion that the humorous side of the world belonged exclusively to the kingdom of Satan. J. L. C. SPRINGFIELD, ILL, April, 1877. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. The Start Undeflnable Day Disturbing Thoughts Brother Holder- Green Corn Hogs, and their 111 Manners Pages 17-26 CHAPTER II. House of Clumsy Patches Shrubs, Chickens and Dinner.. . .Pages 26-29. CHAPTER III. Arithmetic and Sentiment Oppressive Length, ending in Death, with a Short Letter of Regret Pages 30-33 CHAPTER IV. On the Circuit The Watkins Family Philip Confused on the Great Question of Family Government Pages 34-42 CHAPTER V. The First Preaching Place Uproar and Confusion Zeal Cooled by Ague Pages 43-6* CHAPTER VI. Class meeting Philip Makes a Blunder Celebs Receives an Interest- ing Visit from the Get Family Pages 56-66 CHAPTER VII. On to the Next Appointment Mrs. Magulty Her Two Daughters, and Her Son Zephaniah Philip's Filly Disturbs Young Magulty Mr. Squillip Persuades the Young Preacher to Preach in His School House that Night Pages 67-73 CHAPTER VIII. On to Squillip's Dilapidated Horses and Harness Adventures of a Lone Candle Dogs and Convulsions Pages 74-82 CHAPTER IX. Squillip and the Misses Magulty Talk by the Way" Glad to See You," when it is so Dark You Can See Nothing Grease and the Saucer Lamp Pages 85-94 viii CONTENTS. CHAPTER x. Up the Ladder and Down Through the Floor Stars and Storms Much Water Blues and Hopes Pages 95-102 CHAPTER XI. The Welcome Fire The Breakfast and the Manner of its Production Jerry Spildick Prayers Pages 103-111 CHAPTER XII. The Return to Mrs. Magulty's A Child's Temper, Angelic and Other- wiseMrs. Squillip's Heavy Business Pages 112-116 CHAPTER XIII. Rev. Mr. Blunt, a sort of Ecclesiastical Rough Philip is treated to var- ious Admonitions Paegs 117-126 CHAPTER XIV. Rev. Mr. Blunt contiuued He brings his Meat Ax to bear on Philip's Discourse The Runaways Checked No Marrying this time The Fight and Fun Pages 126 134 CHAPTER XV. Quarrel among Horses Blunt Subdued His Daughter Sue withstands him to the face Both Yield Like womankind, Sue winds up by supposing she will have her own way And she did. . . .Pages 135-143 CHAPTER XVI. More about Sue Flamer slightly disgusted by one or two of Blunt's Re- marks Mrs. Ruth Blunt not so much opposed to Bob Scales as is her husband Fire, Cats and Kittens Philip has Doubts about his being a " Moral Agent." Pages 144-151 CHAPTER XVII. Philip has a Short Talk with Himself Blunt a Believer in Great Men- Philip has a Violent Cold Doctor Heatern, the Great Reformer, who has Innumerable Patents, and is the Inventor of the Only Success- ful " Perpetual Motion," Pages 152-158 CHAPTER XVIII. Doctor Heatem continued A Glance at his Patents and Reforms Hip- pocrates, his Student Philip submits to the Reform Treatment The First Swallow Humiliates Him The Doctor's great Motto, " Heat is Life, and Void is Death." Pages 159-168 CHAPTER XIX. Not a Cold Water Party A Noble Tea Pitch to Fire Philip Deranges the Animal Heat Heatem and Hip Simmer Philip Philip thinks of Shadrach and Abednego From the Ton-id Zone to Simms' Hole Pasres 169-174 CONTENTS. ix CHAPTER xx. Philip in Distress He thinks the End of All Things are at hand When the Bile is (Jut, Relief comes Libations to the Reform Treatment Philip so Disgusted that he regards himself a Fool among Fools Pages 175-182 CHAPTER XXI Philip declines the " Serlubrious Tonics" Blunt Accompanies him to the Next Appointment Mi's. Grabdime Blunt and Philip Snubbed Lively Times between Blunt and the Old Woman. . . .Pages 183-191 CHAPTER XXII. More of the Grabdime Family Conflicting Views Preaching in a De- serted House Blunt and Philip assume the Service of Sexton Moreover, the Dogs came first to View their Work Pages 192-198 CHAPTER XXIII. Blunt Occupies the Pulpit Melody Bungled A Discourse on Tabera- cles ; wherein the Present Place of Worship is condemned Grab- dime's Prayer, and Flight Pages 199-206 CHAPTER XXIV. To Dinner Uninvited, at Grabdime's Blunt's Tactics Selfishness Soft- enedThe Animals Tamed Pages 207-214 CHAPTER XXV. Effect of the Smoothing Process Invited to Call Again Blunt's Opin- ion of Soft Sodder Some People need a Club The " Hard Shells " and their Preacher Pages 215-125 CHAPTER XXVI. The " Hard Shell " Sermon The Feet Washing Back to Bluut's One of the Little Blunts furnishes Philip with a Text He Meditates Thereon" Look at Me." Pages 226-231 CHAPTER XXVII. Philip and Sue Mrs. Blunt Distressed Blunt "Stove fp "Confusion, Blood and the Doctor Bob Scates and Jo Weldon Pages 232-240 CHAPTER XXVIII. Heatem and Hip Again to the Front Blunt's Symptoms Call for " Her- culean Efforts " Blunt rather an Obstinate Patient Heatem Magni- fies Himself Hip thinks He does it at His Expense Hip Designs that Blunt shall " Howl.". Pages 241-248 CHAPTER XXIX. Blunt Beset by Heatem and Hip He is Hot at Both Ends" Heat is Life " Hippocrates Comes in Unpleasant Contact with the Hot Stove Blunt has been made to "Howl" He would Blast the Heat x CONTENTS. Blunt and Bob have a Serious Talk about Sue and Moral Improve- ment Pages 249-258 CHAPTER XXX. Good-bye to Blunt, Bob and Sue for the present The Misery of the Bide varied by the Misery of the Walk Philip to be at Rose Chapel the Next Sunday Overtaken by a Pedlar- A Rattling Conversation Much Mud The Wire-edge By the Pedlar's Side. ...Pages 259-268 CHAPTER XXXI. Philip and the Pedlar Journey Together A Negative Battery Philip loses one of the " Main Springs of Luxury " The Pedlar receives it "Chicken Eaters "The Pedlar gives a Scrap of his History Avows his Opposition to the Bible and Religion Pages 269-277 CHAPTER XXXII. Views Vary Is 6od Everything, and Everything God? The Pedlar led out Philip Pursues Him The Parting The Pedlar's Amazement The Bottle Good-ByeGood Nature Pages 278-284 CHAPTER XXXIII. Philip Searches for the Right Road He is Informed" Let Dogs delight to Bark and Bite" Introduces himself to Mr. Scatterlip The Looks of that Gentlemen His Sluice of Words He Recommends the " Show " to Philip Philip attends the " Elevatin' Exhibition " in the Evening Cicero Puff ex, the Showman Pages 285-293 CHAPTER XXXIV. Professor Cicero Puffex Explains his Scenes Philip Declines to Open with Prayer" The Gardin of Eding "Adam and Eve driven out The Flood Sodom and Lot The Tower of Babel Moses taken from the " River Ganges " A Historical Scene, Romulus and Remus Herculaneum and Pompeii David and Goliah Samson Lauding of the Pilgrims Rather a Ridiculous Display Pages 294-30? CHAPTER XXXV. At Rose Chapel Bob Scates in the Audience Trying to Tame Down Bob Worried by Roystering Youths, and his own Thoughts Inter- view in the Grove Bob Reveals Himself to Philip A Talk on Sue and Personal Improvement Philip Begins to Let the Light out of Himself Bob thankful to get it Pages 308-319 CHAPTER XXXVI. Quarterly Meeting at Doubletown Jehu Stormus, Presiding Elder How he Preached His Excellencies and Defects His Great Effort to Appear Properly as a Presiding Officer Felix U. Deafner Applied for License to Preach The Objections Thereto Pages 320-326 CHAPTER XXXVII. The Church Festival The Old Warehouse Philip Meets the Pedlar and Two Ladies An Escort to One of Them The Beginning of En- CONTENTS. xi tanglements The Fascinating Kate Sights and Scenes at the Fair Head Full of Kate Pages 327-338 CHAPTER XXXVIII. riillip Beset Mixed Dreams Kate Even Worse Off Philip Concludes the Visit of the Day by Calling at the " Inn "The Brooks Family DeKalb, the German Professor Sack ett, the Pedlar Philip Acting more by Impulse then Discretion Mischief Brewing. . .Pages 339-347 CHAPTER XXXIX. Philip and Kate at the Sunday School The Pedlar and the Professor there likewise The two who lacked the Fullness of Song The Mood of the Cynics Philip at General Hymore's for Dinner The Lady Hymore has one of Her " Spells "Philip Blunders into Her Esteem An Uproarous Sick Room " Sweeping Through the Gates " Postponed Pages 348-354 CHAPTER XL. Doubletown " Commons "Philip Seeks Solitude, and finds Himself in the River Rescues Little Maud from Drowning A Touch of Ro- manceKicked and Gouged for his Pains The Mother and Kate Bless Philip DeKalb Met Kate and her Mother Compare Notes DeKalb Distressed The Raven Over the Door Sharp Words- Philip Promises Pages 355 365 CHAPTER XLI. Philip Sick Kate Visits Him Why Not? The Promise Kept in the Letter, but Broken in the Spirit DeKalb Rallies He has Hopes yet Kate Cornered The Storm Gathering The Storm Flashing - The Storm Flashing and Thundering Tears End the Chapter Pages 366-372 CHAPTER XLII. Philip Convalescing Eager Eating Thin Diet No Relapse Rough and Tumble Fight Bob on his Muscle Heavy Dragging Blood and Drink Footsteps in the Dark The Wheezing Pump Jo Stoker No Tales Out of School Phillip and Stoker Have a Few Words The Double-barreled Pistol Sowing and Reaping To Rest.Pages 373-388 CHAPTER XLIII. The Sleepers Disturbed Mischief in the Air Danger Somewhere Jo Trying to Shake the Dogs off" Serious? You Bet ! "Philip and Bob Hurry for the Constable Hurry on to Sighgold's Jo at Sigh- gold's Before Them A Runaway A Knock-Down A Precious Box Bound and Gagged The Release $7,000 in the Pocket-Book The Box GoneChris' Account of the Robbery Betsy Desires it Told Correctly Pages 384-396 CHAPTER XLIV. The Search and Its Success Joys and Sighs $12,500 Gone Stoker Saves It Sighgold Feels " Sublime "Jo too Big to be Hugged Christo- xii CONTENTS. pher Checked^Kate by Philip's Side Again Philip's Mental Tu- multThe Promise to DeKalb Slightly Strained Darkness for the Night, Joy in the Morning Pages 397-403 CHAPTER X L V. The Treasure Removed The Old People go with It The Young Ones Stay Behind Kate and Philip Explanations Love and Despair Heart Mischief What the Coals Told Kate Philip Confounded He Accuses Himself His Words Jumbled Another in the Way Kate and Philip Agree to be Friends Harriet Interrupts Them Pages 404-414 CHAPTER XLVI. Harriet Mistakes Philip and Kate Return to Doubletown Kate's Ill- ness Delirium Philip's Self -Reproach A Sleepless Night Sue and Bob Bob Developing Conquering the Wrong Pages 415-420 CHAPTER XLVII. Kate's Illness DeKalb's Tactics He Admonishes Philip not to Visit Her Mary and Jennie Allerton Visit the Hymore's Kate Better Mary and Sue Call on Kate Mrs. Thornton Kate to Leave for In- dianapolisTo Inherit Her Aunt's Wealth The Visit to Sue's Old Home The Dread The Accident Fearful Results Philip's An- guishThe Doctor Pages 421 -429 CHAPTER XLVIII. Consternation at the Hymore Honse Battling Forebodings Terrible Shadows The Light of Philip's Life Going Out "So Soon" Philip's Brain in a Whirl Hearts and Love The Last Hemor- rhage Good-Bye Pages 430-439 CHAPTER XLIX The Effect Moved to Rushingo Sighgold Purchases Land Bob, his Traveling Companion Philip Visited 160 Acres Sighgold Mur- deredSearch for the Assassin Bob Arrested In Prison Sue Go- Ing if They Hang Her with Him Philip Visits the Cell Love, Firm- ness and Devotion Uncomfortable Business Pages 440-446 CHAPTER L. Coui$ Coming On Bob to be Tried Philip Anxious A Letter from KateLight The Swaggering Jailor looks after a Dog Fight, while Philip looks after the Welfare of Bob A Two Days' Trip -By the Side of Kate No Gas Pages 447^53 CHAPTER LI. A Dark Night A Difficult Walk Sail and the Dying Man Billings' Statement The Murder Explained A Little Whiskey A Techni- cal Hitch Law's Delay Philip Doubts His Own Sagacity Egotism Cut Kate Brightens Him Pages 454-461 CONTENTS. xiii CHAPTER LIT. Court in Session Bob's Trial The Crowd Against Him The Jury with the Crowd The Whittling Judge Two Jack-Knives a Year The Thunderbolt Coolness in Cruelty Court Adjourns, Takes a Horn, then Pitches Horse Shoes Lawyers Serene At it Again in the Morning " Hang Him, Sure" Wags and Wits Soaked Sots-- Power of Eyes and Manners Philip's Testimony Light Facts- Things Turn-- Crowd Turns Jury Turns Court Turns Bob is Turned Free The " Court " Shakes Hands with Him and Sue All Do the Same Happy Pages 463-474 CHAPTER LIII. Bob Coming Up Philip Among Kate's Letters Stolen Waters Pages 476-478 CHAPTER LIV. Philip's Second Year in Rushingo Memory of Mary Past and Present Clouds and Sunshine Camp-Meeting at Doubletown Philip At- tends DeKalb's Lament Philip Desires a Release from the Old Promise DeKalb Overlooks It The Professor Frantic A Bundle of Frustrations Grinding and Galling Cursing Fate Fuming and Vaporing Brain on Fire" No Use "A Fiery Little Bore Philip in the Pulpit Kate Before Him Her Power Hearts Pour into Each Other Pages 479-487 CHAPTER LV. Blunt's Tent Hearts Going Was It Idolatry? Quiet Fires Self-Sup- pressed Good for the Largest Number Enraptured Idiots News Dead Inquest Heart Disease A Drop Letter Shocking A Call for Philip A Ready Response Knots of Neighbors" Dyspepsia '' Philip and Kate Meet at the Inn The Ride Pages 488-493 CHPTER LVI. The Drive The Drop Letter What It Said Frantic Fuming De- Kalb's Accusations Was Kate Guilty? "Am I a Wretch?" "Was He an Idiot? "Philip's Wrath and Love Philip Defends Kate- Why Should the Old Promise Now be Binding? It is Not Philip Seeks Her ; She is Willing to be Found Philip Expresses His Mind Fully How Kate Listened How They Agreed Destiny Sealed Two Couple Married Success in After Life Let Them Prosper Pages 494-502 ILLUSTRATIONS Designed by the Author. Engraved by FRANK BEARD, Esq., 103 Ful- ton street, New York. 1. THE START Faces Title. 2. THE ILL, MANNERED HOG " 22 3. BEFORE HELP CAME THE BORROW ED HORSE WAS DEAD " 32 4. THE HUBBUB WITHOUT " 48 5. CONFUSION WITHIN " 51 6. REV. ELIJAH CELEBS " 58 7. A NIGHT OF MISHAPS ' 82 8. THE PLANK FLEW UP AND PHILIP FLEW DOWN " 97 9. PHILIP'S DREAM " 98 10. HE SENT HIM SPRAWLING AMONG THE WEEDS " 132 11. " DON'T You FEEL LIKE LEADING CLASS, OLD FLAM- ER? '' " 133 12. SUE " 143 13. "YOU'RE NOT SCALDING HOGS, SIR." " 172 14. '-You NEEDN'T SISTER ME, MUCH." " 189 15. THE " HARD SHELL " PREACHER " 226 10. HIP'S UNPLEASANTNESS " 251 17. "HERE'S TO YOUR SNORTING FILLY, LONG MAY SHE CANTER." " I'Si 18. INTRODUCTION TO MR. SCATTERLIP " 287 19. PROF. CICERO PUFFEX " 294 20. KATE AT SIXTEEN " 331 21. DEKALB'S VISIT " 361 22. MARY ALLERTON ' -121 23. THE WHITTLING JUDGE BOB ON TRIAL " 463 24. DYSPEPSIA OR HEART DISEASE " 492 25. KATE AT TWENTY-TWO. . . " 500 " All true humor is closely allied to seriousness." Goethe. " No man who has heartily and wholly laughed can be al- together irreclaimably depraved." Carlyle. " God has given us wit, and flavor, and brightness, and laughter, and perfumes, to enliven the days of man's pilgrim- age." Sidney Smith. " Did you read ' Vindex,' John? " said Mr. Wesley, referring to a humorous passage in "The Fool of Quality." (John was one of Wesley's very sober preachers.) 11 Yes, sir." " Did you laugh^ John? " " No, sir." " Did you read Damon and Pythias, John ?" " Yes, sir." " Did you cry, John ? " " No, sir." " O, earth, earth, earth!" exclaimed Wesley, in astonish- ment. Preface to "The Fool of Quality." THE Two CIRCUITS. CHAPTER I. THE START. It was an undefinable day, in the middle of Oc- tober, 1 8 , when Philip Force staYted to his first circuit. As I desire to be specific and correct in this narrative, and tell of things as nearly as possible as they were, I would state that this day was unde- finable, for the reason, that it had no particular character. My great respect for the exact, forbids me to say that it was wet, or that it was dry ; and it was neither cold or hot, summery or wintery ; clear or cloudy, but it was a dreamy, hazy, smoky combination of the whole, each element alternately predominating. The thoughts and reflections of Philip were near- ly as undefinable as the day. He was strongly im- pressed that it was his duty to preach ; in fact, here he was starting in that great work ; yet he feared, lest impure motives might have been mis- taken by him for the suggestions of the better Spir- 1 8 THE Two CIRCUITS. it. He did not know how he was to live on one hundred dollars a year; and not certain of that much. He did not know how he was to pay the one hundred and fifty dollar debt he had incurred for board and clothing, while he had been working his own way, for four years, through school. He could not imagine, in what way he was to purchase a horse of his own, for be it known, Philip Force was riding a borrowed horse. Out, alone, on horseback, on the smooth and dusty road, he began to reflect : "A borrowed horse clever in that friend to loan me his horse for a year : elegant animal : never worked in her life : kicks at the sight of a collar and blind bridle : real game : racing stock : preachers not to think of race horses. Heigh, ho ; That old gentleman did not look very hopeful when I gave him my note for the hundred and fifty dollars ; I am one hundred and fifty dollars worse than nothing, financially, and not worth any definite settled amount any other way. He was kind. I owe him a thousand thanks for many other favors ; pure benevolence in him ; told me to pay the note when he was poor and I was rich. If he had not looked so clever, I would have taken that remark for sarcasm. But being in debt is a curse. One hundred dollars a year ! That merchant offered me four hundred and board. That rough, old Doctor said I was a* fool, to go off on a circuit for a hundred dollars a year. He said I had THE START. 19 better study law with his son, and make a man of myself, and go to Congress some day. Manhood and preaching do not seem to run together in his ideas. He thinks a soul is of value, only as it is the owner of property. I am determined to try the preaching. I am in for it. Nothing but actual de- feat will drive me from it. I will trust to Provi- dence and the Church for support." Philip had traveled about fourteen miles, when he saw the farmers unhitching their horses for din- ner. He had never known the luxury of carrying a watch, hence this observation of his, in reference to the farmers, was one of the methods he had of determining the arrival of twelve o'clock. He came to a house, on the left hand side of the road, that looked as if it might be one of public entertainment, when there was any public to be en- tertained ; and as young Mr. Force felt, that he was beginning to assume to be somewhat of a pub- lic character, he concluded to stop. The owner of the house and farm, and caterer to the public, were all combined in one old gentlemen, who hastened from his seat on the front porch to meet Philip as he alighted at the gate. '" How d'e do, brother Force?" " Very well, I thank you, sir ; how are you broth- er Holder? 1 did not know that you lived here." The old man sho^k him heartily by the hand as he replied, "Veil, ye vill know, ven ye'v bin a 2O THE Two CIRCUITS. breacher a few years in dis coundry. The breachers all stops to my house ; I never charges 'em nawth- in, and give 'em the best I've got, and only 'spects the young ones to vait on tharselves, and 'tend thar own hosses. Come across to my stable. That's a fine mar: she'd orto be on a farm. Vat d'ye give for'rer?" "Alas, master, she's borrowed. " " Borrad, eh? Veil I tought she vas'nt the same mar you rode over to our quarterly meeting. That's the fust sarmint ye ever breached, over at our meet- ing, vas'nt it?" "Yes, sir." ' ' Veil, I tought ye vas a leetle skeert like. Ye must put in more power, brother ; don't be so keer- ful 'bout heads and dails. Them that's so keerful 'bout heads and dails nearly allers look sort o'skeert, 'cause they'r allers afeerd uv gittin 'em mixed." "Thank you, Brother Holder, which of these stalls shall I use?" " That'n jus nex the crib ; an the corn in the crib's your'n vile ye stay. I haint any ole corn, but that's mighty dry, and wont hurt ye'r mar, unless she's uste to bein colicy. " " I'll give her only five ears, sir, for fear; and also give her a handfull of salt." "Veil, veil; now you come across to the house for dinner, and I'll send Hans over with a tin full THE START. 21 o'salt, if ye think she's uste to bein colicy. Hang yer saddle on a hook dare." Between the house and barn was the hog depart- ment. Hogs in Illinois, like men in some parts of the world, are respectable in proportion to what they are worth. And many men enjoy the familiar presence of their own hogs, when every healthy grunt is an indication that they are increasing the wealth of their owners. Mr. Holder must stop to show Mr. Force his hogs ; and he seemed to be flat- tering himself, as he discoursed upon their foreign and honorable birth and of the dignity and purity of their ancestry ; and upon the labor and pains he had taken to introduce so highly respectable family of hogs into the neighborhood. There were sundry old logs and posts, and corners of fences, harrows, plows and old sleds, which were smeared with mud and made smooth by the luxurious exercise of these hogs, in scratching. And then, there were their bathing pools, dug out by the labor of their own noses, without regard to the family's convenience, nor the taste of the public, nor the rules of geome- try. One of these respectable puddles was right by the front gate as you went into the house. And in this little lake of mud, one of the female mem- bers of this honorable family of hogs was taking her noon bath. And expecting, doubtless, some favor at the hand of her master as he approached, rose from her ablutions to meet him. Mr. Holder 22 THE Two CIRCUITS. stopped, to expatiate upon the noble qualities of the animal, and gave Mr. Force to understand, that she was none of your lean, bristly, lanky-legged, long-snouted, grey-hound hogs, that could not get fat enough to curl their tails, but that she was a whole hog, and enough to tempt the eye of a Jew. Now, this hog was like some other creatures I have heard of, that did not know exactly how to behave themselves under the voice of flattery. For no sooner had Mr. Holder closed his eulogy upon her, and he and Mr. Force stood admiring her well de- veloped proportions, than she grew exceedingly fid- gety, and drawing nearer her admirers, suddenly and violently shook about six quarts of mud from her sides, the large majority of the slush taking effect upon the person of Mr. Force. Mr. Holder laughed immoderately at the performance, while Mr. Force was rather sober over it, and it was not that kind of sobriety that arises from pious reflections. Philip had intended to reach the principal town on his circuit that evening, and knowing that first im- pressions were powerful, and permanent, was anx- ious that his introduction should be under as favor- able circumstances as possible. Now, what would the people think of their young preacher making his debut, looking as though he had been rolled in the gutter! His trunk, containing his change of raiment, had been sent on by wagon. But he hopefully remembered a motto of his old teacher : THE ILL-MANNERED HOG. THE START. 25 ' ' Never grieve over what is done, and cannot be undone;" so he hurried through the gate to the porch, desiring to hear no further laudations over the noble qualities of swine ; Holder observing, with a jolly good humor, "never mind, Brother Force, it'll come off ven it gits dry ; take a seat on the porch." 26 THE Two CIRCUITS. CHAPTER II. HOLDER'S HOUSE. Mr. Holder's house looked as if the chimney had been built first, and the rooms had been added thereto as means were obtained and necessity demanded. The little windows looked like clumsy patches ; and when you sat upon a chair in the house, all you could see through these front win- dows was the roof of the porch ; which roof was decorated with old harness, horse-shoes, corn- knives, coon skins, bunches of flax, and twists of yarn, sickles and whet-stones, etc. The door look- ed like another excresence, which had come upon the building since its erection. The front part of the house which formed the back part of the porch was sided with linn plank, called by Webster bass- wood or linden ; but Mr. Holder called it linn plank. These upright plank had been partially smoothed by a jack-plane, and, on some distant day in the past, had been painted or stained red ; but Mrs. Holder, thinking white more cheerful and attractive, had, some years afterward, whitewashed it over with lime ; but the lime had peeled off in places, and the red peeped through like boys' knees through the holes of their trowscrs. One or two HOLDER'S HOUSE. 27 of the window frames had anciently received a few feeble touches of blue paint, which looked as if mischievous children had made a target of them for the shots of a wet indigo bag, and had then tried to rub off their marks, but only succeeded in smearing the blue in lighter shades from one spot to another. The front door looked as if some painter's awkward apprentice had taken his first les- sons thereon, for it was ring-streaked, striped, checkered and intermingled with red, green and yellow smudges. Advertisements of stray stock and famous horses, constable sales and patent med- icines adorned the walls of this porch between 1 the doors and windows. The front pillars of it were made of walnut rails, dressed with a drawing knife, and the roof thereof rested against the side of the house, or leaned upon it, like a poor relation upon his kin. A few stubbed, broken-twigged evergreens were attempting to grow in the yard, and looked as though they had been trying for years and were nearly ready to give up the sickly struggle in despair ; for the principal encouragement they had was the un- kindly manure of broken crockery, wood ashes, old shoes, bones and brickbats. All about this front yard were nursery chicken-coops. Some of them were all roof, the rafters being made of strips of plank and left without shingles, and wide enough apart to let the infant chickens out and keep the old 28 THE Two CIRCUITS. hens in. Some were made of slats laid one upon the other, log cabin style ; others, of boxes ; and still others, of old barrels without heads, and strips tacked over the place where the heads ought to be. Hosts of chickens, from three days old and upward to the gangling, pin-feathered gawks, trot and twit- ter, scratch and pick around, and, like children, fight over a dainty morsel. The old hens, cooped within prison bounds, keep up an everlasting growl- ing and coaxing cajolery after their respective broods. A hen in a coop, with her young outside, always looks sullen, sad and discontented. She wants to gad, and, like all gadders, restraint makes her fretful. Philip looked at the chickens, then at his clothes ; and, in an absent minded way, attended to the remarks of Mr. Holder, and answered him in monosyllables, and inwardly wished that that ill- mannered sow would be taken with an irresistable run down some steep place, with the same being after her that entered the Gadarean swine. Mr. Holder stepped into the house, at the call of his wife, and left Philip to fall into one of those vague, indefinable brown studies that inhabit silence. All at once, from out of a cuddy over his head on the porch, flew a proud, enterprising pullet, with a deafening racket, as if she were doing her best to curse Philip for trying to tear her to pieces. Every chicken, as far as could be heard from, joined in the yell. Roosters, old and young, strut- HOLDER'S HOUSE. 29 ted, swaggered and roared with defiant clamor. Philip professes to be fond of eggs, but he declares he never could see any sense in such an outrageous hue and cry over the exploit of laying a single egg. He thinks that such unbounded enthusiasm over so small an achievement, when eggs are four cents a dozen, is very much like a Pharisee sounding a trumpet before him when he is giving a quarter to carry the gospel to all the world. ' ' Come in to dinner, Brother Force. This is my wife, Brother Force." Mrs. Holder extended her right hand to Philip, and held her sun-bonnet close over her face with her left, and gave him a broad, good-natured smile, and simply said : "How'de." "Now set by, Brother Force; you kin eat once vat ve eat allers ; haven't nothin' fine. Ask a blessin'." And the old man held his head down, and the old lady looked at her cooking as it lay completed over the table. The meal was excellent. 30 THE Two CIRCUITS. CHAPTER III. ARITHMETIC AND SENTIMENT. After dinner, Philip started on his way, refreshed, and very soon fell into another train of mingled reflections, a kind of topsy-turvey, jumbled con- fusion of day dreams. He drew ' ' Fletcher's Appeal" from his pocket and made an effort to read. But the depravity in the book had to give place to the depravity in the facts that stared him in the face. The hundred dollars ; forebodings as to his reception on the circuit ; hogs ; mud ; obtruded upon every sentence. He put up the book, and from another pocket pulled out a miniature that appealed more to his sensibilities than the pocket edition of Fletcher. And he thought : ' ' What business have I with a young lady's likeness? One hundred dollars wouldn't buy silk and calico. The prospect of poverty and thoughts of love dwell in the bosoms of fools. But, then, the discipline of the church allows a preacher a premium of one hundred dollars for getting mar- ried. I will look at the miniature again. The eyes seem to say, ' I am willing to run all risks. ' Ah ! what does she know of the risks ? and, for that matter, what do I know? Her father seemed to ARITHMETIC AND SENTIMENT. 3 1 understand the hazards more fully when he object- ed to the match. But he is a matter of fact kind of man, and has forgotten the days of his youth. But making a living and securing comfort are mat- ters of fact. But, again, who, in all the world, would ever get married if all the preliminaries of thoughts, plans and attachments had to be regula- ted by arithmetic ! There is a sort of luxury in knowing that there is one fair, intelligent creature who thinks constantly for my welfare, and meditates and prays for my prosperity with an individual specialty, and who mingles her designs of life with my destiny. But I must banish such reflections. It is to be rough battle now ; no time for the deli- cate and tender. ' ' So the miniature is laid aside, and he tries again to think of theology and sermon making. He was now within twelve miles of Doubletown, the principal town of his circuit, and where he was expected to preach the next day. His legs grew heavy, very heavy, as if twenty extra pounds were hanging to each foot ; and every jerk of the horse seemed to stretch them longer, and make them a few ounces heavier. Not being accustomed to horseback exercise, the saddle grew very hard, and the dry, ashy road looked very long long as the lane that hath no turning ; and the dry ditches on each side looked long ; the fences were long ; inter- minable, long, brown prairies stretched out beyond 32 THE Two CIRCUITS. the point of vision ; the fields were long; one long, thin, hazy cloud spread away over the sky, good- ness knows how long ; a long row of oxen, with long horns and tails, pulled a long plow through a very long furrow, and the driver was a long boy, with a long face and a long whip ; and his oaths were long, and so were his feet ; and he seemed to have had a long spell of the ague till he looked like lengthened, yellow ugliness, long drawn out. If any one was met on the way they left a long cloud of dust behind them. Philip Force felt as if he was a long way from home, and had a long way to go. His shadow began to grow long, and so did all other shadows. He began to be oppressed with length, and longed for something short : a gopher hill, a clump of bushes, a short clap of thunder anything to break the dreary monotony of length. Well, the long lane did have a turn ; but it did not turn out as Philip expected or desired. For, when within three miles of Doubletown, his horse refused to go any longer. He instinctively thought of the five long ears of new corn ; dismounted, yelled for help and before help came, the bor- rowed horse was dead. If a coroner's inquest had been held over the lifeless remains of this splendid animal, the jury might have truthfully brought in a verdict, running on this wise: "Died of colic, occasioned by eat- ing five long ears of Mr. Holder's green corn." M* Ot i HE UNIVERSITY of ILLINOIS ARITHMETIC AND SENTIMENT. 33 Philip was now afoot, and a dead horse by his side, and slightly depressed ; and it was Saturday night ; and thick darkness added to his gloom ; and no time for a funeral. He concluded to come out on Monday and have her decently buried ; for the man, before whose door she had died, gave him to understand that he would prosecute him if he allowed her offensive carcass to mingle with the dust of the earth so near to his dwelling ; so he threw his saddle and saddle-bags over his shoul- ders, and with subdued dignity and forced humility walked into Doubletown. On Monday morning he wrote to the owner of the horse, as follows : DOUBLETOWN, ILL., Oct. 15, 18 . Dear Brother : After expressing to you my grateful acknowledgments for the loan of your elegant mare, I regret to inform you thai I am going now to attend her funeral. She died suddenly of colic, and has doubtless gone to the horse heaven, for she died in a good cause. Please inform me of her value, and if ever I should be fortunate enough to have the money, I will pav you. Very truly, your friend, PHILIP FORCE. To Col. J, ALLERTON, Wildeden, Illinois. 34 THE Two CIRCUITS. CHAPTER IV. FAMILY GOVERNMENT. Philip's first Sabbath was spent at Doubletown, the headquarters of his circuit. In this place was the circuit parsonage, occupied, this year, by Rev. Elijah Celebs, the preacher in charge, under whose direction Philip was more or less expected to be subject. He stopped at the house of General Hymore, and was booked for two sermons, the day after his arrival. But a stranger, of some eminence in the ministry, and a valued friend of the Hymore family, and being their guest, was pressed to occupy the pulpit; so that Philip had, comparatively, a Sab- bath day's rest. Early the next morning, with the assistance of Mr. Brooks, who accompanied him from the town, he attended the funeral of his horse, and saw her decently interred. There was a law, or custom, which did not allow dead animals to be left to decay and pollute the atmosphere of the public highways. On his return, about noon, he found Mr. Celebs waiting at General Hymore's to meet him. There were the usual expressions of gladness, over their destinies being thus cast together, and the telling FAMILY GOVERNMKNT. 35 over their anticipations of the pleasure and success, they mutually expected, in cultivating- the same ec- clesiastical vineyard. Celebs had been lately mar- ried, and desired to provide and arrange for his first effort in housekeeping. "If it is not taxing you too soon, and too heav- ily, Brother Force, it will greatly accomodate me, if you will fill my appointments in the country for the coming week, and thus allow me to look after the affairs of my new home." "I shall be delighted, Brother Celebs, to attend upon your pleasure. If you think it will not be too great a disappointment to the people who are expecting you, I am at your service, and would rather enter at once upon my work than not." "I will be responsible for all disappointments, in the direction you mention ; and shall feel myself under obligations to you for the favor, Brother Force. " Celebs had, on that morning, secured for Philip's use a very uproarous and mettlesome two-year-old filly. The owner of the restless, half-broken ani- mal was glad to have her tamed and trained to ser- vice ; and was further desirous that she might pass over the winter without expense or care to him. The nag was ready for his immediate disposal, and receiving all necessary directions from Celebs, Philip went three miles into the country, that evening, and spent the night with farmer Watkins. Watkins' 36 THE Two CIRCUITS. family consisted of himself, wife, four boys and one sister-in-law. The house was a one story, unpaint- ed, weather-boarded concern, resting on oak posts, for a foundation. The front room was parlor and company bed-room. The middle room was the family room for sleeping and every day occupancy. The back room was the winter kitchen and dining room with a bed in one corner. Underneath each of the beds, in these two last mentioned rooms, there were trundle-beds for the rising race of Watkins'es^ After breakfast, which was before sunrise, prepara- tions were made for the whole family (excepting the two older boys who went to school), to attend the preaching three miles away at the house of Mr. Ballinger. As there was no stove or fire, in the parlor where Philip had slept, and as the morning was quite cool, he occupied a seat in the middle or family room. He had often thought upon the great question, as to the best method of governing and training a family. He flattered himself, that he had arranged in his own mind, so complete a system of domestic culture, that when he should promulgate it to the public, it would readily be adopted, and prove effectual, in the perfect and beautiful development of the most unruly elements of any household in the land. It is true, that for the past several years of his life, he had only been a boarder here and there, .and no favorable opportu- nities had been afforded him for studying this ques- FAMILY GOVERNMENT. 37 tion, with its practical workings before him. Yet he had no doubt but his theory would prove emi- nently efficient and successful. Philip was not to be censured, for his presumption in thus concluding upon this difficult and intricate problem, for herein he had imitated most of the learned bachelors and maids young and old, and the profound husbands and wives who never had any families of their own to govern. He had studied Wesley and a few other great minds, who were so occupied in looking after the welfare of the vast public, that they were scarcely acquainted with their own domestic affairs. Here, in the Watkins family, Philip had a living household acting before him. He began his obser- vations at the breakfast table. The youngest boy was about ten months old, and was tied in a high chair with an old piece of rope, and sat by his moth- er's elbow. After the blessing was asked, a few drops of molasses were smeared over the finger ends of this infant Watkins, and a thimble full of loose, raw cotton was given to him for his amusement. When the cotton was picked from one finger it stuck to another, and thus gave perpetual employment to the little worker, and kept his hands out of mis- chief. His mouth and stomach were kept in active exercise, by delicate bits and spoonsful, abundantly supplied by the care of the mother. Benjamin Watkins, a four year old, full of blood, motion and impudence, sat between the baby and the 38 THE Two CIRCUITS. preacher. While the woman was waiting on some one else, Ben would supplement her attentions to the young one, by cramming into its ready jaws, more than it could swallow. An inch of stuffed sausage was too much for it, and the mother had to turn it, with chair attached, bottom side up to shake the lump of meat from its throat. " Benny, if I catch you putting anything more in Jerry's mouth, I will compel you to leave the table." The mother was excited when she said this, for her youngest child had well nigh turned black in the face over the obstruction of his windpipe. Ben replied: "I sha'nt neither leave ze table." And in order to show that he had a lofty sense of his independence, he threw a quarter of a biscuit across the table, which struck his brother Joseph square on the tip of his nose. And the untimely act brought from the insulted Jo the remark : "Ben I'll knock you over, if you do that again." ' ' You wont nuther, knock me over ; will he Ma?" The appeal to his ma was made with a look of injured innocence and indignation. "No, no, Benny, Jo wont knock you over." Here Jo shook his head in a defiant way, as much as to say, that the knocking was certain to come ; and the mother went on: "But you must n't throw FAMILY GOVERNMENT. 39 biscuit that way, Benny, the preacher will see you." ' ' What if he does ; he wont hurt me I guess ; will he hurt me Ma? This 'lasses is too thin, gim- my some shugar to make it thick, Aunt Jane." Aunt Jane sat at the head of the table, and did not give the slighest heed to what the little desperado had to say. " Aunt Jane, d'ye hear ; gimmy some shugar to thicken this 'lasses." " Benny," said the mother, "you must not have the sugar." Her tone sounded as if it were full of maternal apologies for Benny's ill manners. He un- derstood her at once. So he called out, louder than before: "Aunt Jane, d'ye hear, Aunt Jane, listen tum- me;" and he balanced a potato up toward his head with his right hand, and gave a fiercer accent to his demand : " Aunt Jane, if ye don't gimmy some shugar, I'll knock that wart off of yer chin with this tater. Do it, Aunt Jane, before I count three, or 'way goes your old wart: one, two, th " here his mother pulled his hand down to his plate. In his rage over the interference, he upset his coffee over the table cloth. At this, the quiet father arose and grasped the little offender by the shoulders and set him in the other room, and told him to stay there till the rest were done eating. And he indi- cated his spirit of rebellion by kicking the door 4O THE Two CIRCUITS. that was shut against him. Now and then he would call out lustily : " Ma ! ho, Ma ! let me out ; I'll be good. Let me out or I'll kick this door down." And the kicking went on with more or less vigor and loud threats and offers of reform till the meal was ended. Benny was so aggravated by his banishment and imprisonment, that he was ready now to declare war upon any member of the family. He had hit Jo on the nose, and seemed still inclined to pursue him. He was now busy at the store door, convert- ing strips of paper into imitation of fire works. Jo was making a hurried and awkward effort to ex- change his coarse pants for a fine pair. And as he was holding the waistband, and was balancing him- self to insert his foot, the ungodly Ben thrust in a burning taper, and in the flurry Jo tipped over, and in went his foot with the blazing little rocket, and he was scorched from his ankle to his knee. His foot came out faster than it went in, and he made a rush for Ben, and caught him, and jerked him and knocked him upside down. Philip says, that he wanted to get up and give Jo a quar- ter of a dollar. The father had gone to look after the stock. The mother flew from the other room and reproached Jo for imposing on his smaller broth- er, Joe gave a nod or two of defiance and said : FAMILY GOVERNMENT. 41 "I'll show him where to stick his fire-works; he's pretty nigh burnt me to the bone." Ben rolled over on his back by the bureau and exclaimed : " Didn't neither; I jist lighted yer foot into the dark hole." By this time the little ruffian's heels were a foot high scratching and scoring the bureau drawers, singing: ' Jack and Jill, went up the hill, &c." "Stop scratching the bureau ; " said Jo, still anx- ious to be avenged on Benny for the torch business. " Benny," said the mother, with a feeble show of authority, "you must stop that, you'll spoil the bureau, that's very naughty, my child, get off the floor and set on your little stool ; that's a good boy." Benny scored an extra arc with the heel of his shoe tearing the varnish, and in a bantering way exclaimed: " Am I a good boy, Ma?" " No you'r not, " exclaimed Jo, who was trying to get the twist out of the back of his suspenders, as he snapped them repeatedly over his shoulders. "Didn't ask you, Jo; speak when yer spoken to." ' ' Come, come, boys, you must be quiet, and not disturb the preacher ; come Benny, go with me into the other room," said the mother in a soothing under tone. 42 THE Two CIRCUITS. "Shan't do it, take Jo, if you wants any of yer children;" and he ran to the opposite side of the room from her, and leaned against the table, and picked up a pair of scissors, and commenced cutting pieces from the last weekly paper. His mother re- peatedly asked him to lay down the scissors and not cut the paper ; but she might as well have attempted to lead an unbroken mule across a ditch) Jo, er- roniously supposing that it would propitiate his mother's favor, slipped behind Benny and jerked the scissors from his hand, and laid them on the mantle beyond his reach. At this, Ben seized the wooden poker and was aiming, with vigor and fe- rocity, at Jo's head ; but the latter wrenched it from the little bully and laid it on the mantle too. The mother by this time had seated herself, as if further conflict was useless, and with a mingled ex- pression of amusement, discouragement and resig- nation inquired : " Do children disturb you, Brother Force." "Not often, I thank you," said Philip. Philip was slow to speak freely, for fear his lan- guage would pass from the ambigous to the un- truthful. He thought that his limited acquaintance and his youth, would hardly permit his giving ad- vice to any good effect. And further, he was con- siderably confused in his mind, upon the great question of family government. CONFUSION. 43 CHAPTER V. CONFUSION. At nine and a half a. m. , all the Watkins family, excepting the two older boys, who went to school, started in a two-horse wagon for the house of Mr. Ballinger. Philip followed on horseback. And yet, to say that he followed, hardly expresses the truth ; for his complicated budget of nerves and horseflesh was before and behind, and on both sides of the wagon alternately. "Here's the place," said Watkins. "I'll hitch outside ; you'd best ride inside. Well, there's Brother Ballinger comin'." And Ballinger, with his linsey tvammus, jean pants, brogan shoes, and without a hat, walked hurriedly toward the lowest part of the fence ; and Watkins stood in his wagon and called out : "Good morning, Ballinger; this is our young preacher, Brother Force. I told him he'd best ride inside." "Yes, yes, ride right in, Brother Force; I am glad to see you," and he kicked off two of the top rails from the worm fence, and the filly scaled the remaining three rails with a bound ; and Philip dis- mounted and shook hands with the proprietor of the 44 THE Two CIRCUITS. establishment, who expressed some regrets that Celebs had not come. But Ballinger was good- natured, and was glad to see and become acquainted with the young preacher. ' ' You go in, Brother Force ; it's about meeting time. I'll put up the hoss. " Philip, however, accompanied him, and the hoss was taken to be watered at the well, which stood midway between the house and barn, and three rods from each. This well was not walled or curbed, neither was it possessed of a pump, wind- lass or sweep. There was an old, leaky, brass kettle tied to the end of a long bean pole, which served to draw water. A few rails and clapboards covered the top, and these boards were pushed aside with the foot when the brass kettte was sent down for supplies. The stable was made of jack-oak poles, and would hold three or four horses. It was propped with hay and fodder on three sides, and the top was covered with clapboards ; and horses were kept from going in and out by fence rails stuck across each other in the door. Nearly all the men who were to compose the congregation were standing near the cabin's front door, telling each other the news, discussing the crops and weather, and fixing and predicting the character and influence of events yet in the future. Philip almost quailed before the united stare of all CONFUSION. 45 these faces. He imagined that he was being meas- ured, and weighed, and sifted, and found worthless before he came close to them, and before he was allowed a trial. But when they gathered about him, with words of kindness and hearty, honest welcome, he knew that his soul was not among lions. They all followed him into the house, and the room was uncomfortably full. The door was left ajar, not for ventilation, but for light. Poles were hanging a few inches from the ceiling, and they were thickly encircled with rings, strings and circular cuts from pumpkins, hung there to dry. The ceiling, as far as could be seen between these yellow slices, was of oak clapboards. It was no sham or imitation of oak, like the ceilings of city churches. The fire place was of vast proportions, considering the dimensions of the room. It was built of stones of nearly all sizes and s*hapes, and brickbats and mud ; and the chimney, from the fire place upward, was made of mud and sticks. On your left, as you faced the fire, were three or four shelves, which contained the queensware, and tin- cups and pans, the latter looking as pure and polished as clear ice in the sunlight. A small stool, under these shelves, held the water-bucket, and within it floated an old brown gourd. This pail was a popular resort for the thirsty congregation a fashionable watering place for squalling infants and restless youths. It was amazing to see how 46 THE Two CIRCUITS. much water the litte prairie sovereigns could hold. Philip thought of the stories he had heard of New- port and Saratoga. No celebrated springs were ever more popular with the gay world than this old gourd and its contents with these people. Its handle was never quiet for five minutes. Rollick- ing, roaring sucklings, bursting with heat and wriggling under their overload of prison bandages, aprons, tucks, ruffles and wrappers, and all manner of flannel and calico, had to be cooled every few minutes. Boys and girls, roasted to redness and oppressed with extra Sunday garments, and wedged into the bounds of propriety between the knees of sweating parents, struggled, crawled, crowded and jumped when there was room for the effort, that they might gain that gourd in time to prevent spontaneous combustion. The vast heat arising from the fire place added materially to the gourd's popularity. Whatever might be said of that con- gregation's spiritual temperature, it was evident that there was here no corporeal lukewarmness ; for this room was the torrid zone on a small scale. And the proprietor of this jack-oak tabernacle deemed it his bounden duty to pile on the fuel and punch up the fire for the comfort of the audience. He would take the bucket, when the gourd sounded on the bottom, and visit the well with the bean pole and brass kettle, and replenish ; and every time he came in with a fresh supply, many mouths CONFUSION. 47 were cracking with thirst, eager to touch the edge of the gourd. Old men and matrons would drink and sweat, and try their best to keep awake. Young women would bring their heads out of the dark recesses of close-fitting sunbonnets, and look in sympathy toward the young men ; and the young men would, most of them, come forward and par- take diffidently; but then it seemed a case of necessity with them, for the whole visible surface of their heads and necks, as they turned them back to receive the contents of the gourd, indicated that any further accumulation of caloric within them might end in a display of fireworks. The seats were made of slabs, with the round side turned down, and pegs, twenty inches long, were driven into two-inch auger holes for legs. Two or three rough planks were made to reach from one chair to another, thus extending the seating privi- leges. The rest of the chairs were the reserved seats for the ladies, and they were generally placed nearest the fire and water. There was no window in the house ; that is, there was no glass window. Opposite the door a log was cut out where a window was expected to> be ; and over this hole hung a white, abbreviated window-curtain, and it was pushed to one side on the draw-string. And near this was a red stand, its top surface being about the size of a common barrel head. On this stand lay the bible and 48 THE Two CIRCUITS. hymn book ; and Philip was informed that that was the place for him. Thither he went, a target for every curious eye ; placed his hat under the minia- ture table, surveyed his audience, which was packed nearly as close as figs in a box ; seated himself in the split-bottomed chair ; reached over for his hymn book, as the hour was at hand for beginning the service. The day was cloudy, and the door only half open, and it was rather dark for easy reading ; so Philip brought his eyes as close to this embryo window as possible, and commenced reading his hymn. While these preliminaries were going on within, the cats and dogs had raised between them a serious misunderstanding, out in the open air; and the hubbub had reached the climax of its fury as Philip was trying to give emphasis to the closing line of the second stanza. There was a loud thun- der of yelping, barking, howling and squalling, intermingled with the cackling and screaming of hens and roosters, and the gobbling of turkeys and the shrill racket of many geese. The cats yelled for quarter, the dogs yelled defiant refusals ; and as Philip commenced to read the third stanza, a cat of great size and in desperate rage came whirling and spitting, like a little engine, through that air-hole, right over his hymn book. Philip dodged, and the cat, with a piercing howl, ran under the bed and gradually subsided. But no sooner had Philip wiped the perspiration from his face, and given two MTf '/ X WITHIN. CONFUSION. 5 1 or three make-believe coughs, to relieve his confu- sion, and resumed the lining of his hymn, than in came cat number two, worse than the first, roaring with spasmodic spurts of madness, knocking the hymn book out of Philip's hand, and bewildering his perceptions, and driving solemnity from the audience. Immediately in front of Philip sat a quite elderly gentleman, his glossy head as hairless as the palm of his hand ; his chin and hands resting on his staff, and his eyes turned intently toward the preacher. Now, this second cat, having no regard for the gravity of age, or not properly calculating distances as it sailed through the window with frightful recklessness, alighted right on this old man's bald head, and left visible and painful foot- prints. The old gentleman jumped as if he was shot, and gave an unearthly roar that might have been heard for half a mile. At last order was restored, and Philip proceeded with his discourse on human duty. He had no notes ; and had eighteen inches of floor to stand on, and was quite hot, and had an audience of the same temperature. He soon lost sight of his difficulties, and began to hope that good might be accomplished. There was no long or labored exordium ; no attempt at metaphysics ; but a direct appeal to the people before him. Toward the close of his remarks, he noticed a woman, with a shawl 52 THE Two CIRCUITS. and an extensive sunbonnet, with her side toward him, sitting before the fire, who seemed to be greatly agitated. Philip took courage in thinking his words had touched and moved one member of his auditory. He enlarged upon his topic. The woman's excitement increased. Philip increased the volume of his voice and the fervor of his appeals. Her excitement grew. He waxed warm- er in pathos, and directed to her words of encour- agement. She seemed nearly overcome with her convictions. Philip was fully fired, calling out his powers of "heart and soul and voice." His linen was moist with perspiration ; his face was flushed ; his gestures became rapid, and his speech vehe- ment. He leaned forward in the eagerness of hope, and rejoiced in spirit that the word was quick and powerful. "Surely," thought he, "good is being done." But, alas! "man in his best estate is vanity;" for, when he was in the climax of his exhortation and expectation, she turned and looked upon the face of the preacher ; and, behold, she was chattering and shaking with the ague, and her lips were as blue as faded indigo. Philip suddenly caught the chill himself, and motioning to the local preacher by his side, called to him : "Brother Dawson, will you close with prayer?" Philip wandered some in his mind during that prayer. He thought of the dead, borrowed CONFUSION. 53 horse ; his confusion about family government ; and the present events of cats and ague, and repeated to himself, "Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher ;" and he further thought his eccle- siastical status was being unsatisfactorily defined. A disturbing genius whispered, " Young man, you have missed your calling. You and your place are not in harmony. You are like a round man trying to fit a square hole. Get away from here. Go further west. Hide. Some one else was called and you have answered. Go to farming, or learn a trade, or hire out to some one who knows the world. Oh, go at anything, where your natural idiocy will not so easily be perceived. You strike in the wrong place. You beat the air. You don't even know how to feed horses, nor how to cure them when sick. Cats and all animated life are at variance with you. You don't know a word of this prayer that is going on now. You can't spe the difference between the chills and gospel conviction. Young man, don't be a humbug. Don't aim to be an eagle when you are merely an ordinary barn fowl. True, a genius is not expected to have com- mon sense. Yes, your teachers said you had gen- ius, and Mary agreed with them. Yes, yes, she thinks you are the embodiment of wisdom and sublimity. She don't know you. Her father knows you. He has sense, that's why he said you couldn't have her. O, foolish youth, she thinks 54 THE Two CIRCUITS. you are an angel. May be you are ; but the world don't appreciate angels now days. They are better adapted to another and higher sphere of existence. If want of adaptation to the disjointed affairs here below is a characteristic of angels perchance you are one. ' Vain man thy fond pursuits forbear. ' Re- pent, stop, tnrn about, defeat is nigh ; think before you are utterly consumed." The ending of the prayer stopped this whirl of suggestions, and the benediction was pronounced in gloom. CELEBS VISITED. 55 CHAPTER VI. CELEBS VISITED. The sermon, with all its attendent etceteras, oc- cupied about fifty minutes. Class-meeting was announced to be held immediately after dismission. A dozen or fifteen persons remained; the others, for the most part, entertained themselves out doors, until the services within were concluded. The young preacher acted as the leader. Accord- ing to the usual custom, he called upon each one successively to relate some portion of their religious experience. The whole exercise passed off smooth- ly until nearly every one had spoken. Among those present was an elderly looking lady ; neatly but not expensively dressed. A few silvery lines were discernable in the thin coat of her once jet black hair. Some dentist had drawn largely up- on her mouth; but while old teeth had been re- moved, new ones had not taken their places. Her thin lips were compressed with sad and pensive severity over their loss, and looked as if they were ready to say, "Do not ask me to speak." A girl of eight years leaned fondly upon her side, which gave her a matronly appearance, and these circum- 56 THE Two CIRCUITS. stances together emboldened Philip to address her with a degree of familiarity. ' ' Mother, we would be glad to hear from you about Heaven's goodness." Any thing but joy sparkled in her eyes, and there was an absence of calm delight from her lips as she replied : " I thank you, sir; I'm nobody's mother. But I am trying to be religious, and hope to gain heaven when done with this troublesome world." Her accent was forcible on the word troublesome. Philip shook his head in dismay, as if to remove the glimmer from his eyes and gave two or three vehement coughs and wiped the great drops of per- spiration from his face and tried, with all his power, to bring out an appropriate reply ; but in vain ; his ideas were like tow blowing among thorns. He looked into the fire place and then upward to the canopy of pumpkins, and in his blundering confu- sion commenced to sing : "Whom man forsakes, thou wilt not leave." This woman was unmarried, and Philip never suc- ceeded in securing her favorable opinion. She al- ways persisted in declaring, that he lacked talents, taste and common discernment. After all had spoken, Philip asked the leader of the class if he desired to say anything to the mem- bers before dismission. He arose and urged upon them the importance of supporting the gospel. He said the new preachers have come among us, and CELEBS VISITED. 57 we ought to welcome them by a prompt and cheer- ful attention to their temporal wants ; and if any were prepared to hand in their quarterage, he would receive it. One man arose and handed the leader twenty-five cents, and remarked : ' ' I most generally pay a quarter every time the preacher comes around and preaches ; and when he don't come around, I pay nothing. " Another man handed him five dollars, and told the leader to put him down for twenty dollars for the year. That was Mr. Ballinger. Two wealthy men, close by the last giver, sat looking sadly down their noses, as if exploring trie sea of tobacco juice at their feet. They sighed and shuffled their toes, and rested their chins on the palms of their hands, and their elbows on their knees, and gave nothing. One of these latter mentioned men, a Mr. Get, in a few weeks after this, took three bushels of ap- ples to Doubletown, and tried all forenoon to sell them, and failed. He had sold his butter, eggs, meat and flour, but found no purchaser for ap- ples. All at once it occurred to him, that he would make a present of them to Mr. Celebs, the senior preacher. Accordingly, with his wife and two grown daughters, and two half grown boys, and two horses, and two ponderous Newfoundland pups, he went to Mr. Celebs', to manifest the fullness of the family generosity, in making him a present of 58 THE Two CIRCUITS. the three bushels of apples. It was Saturday, and Mr. Celebs was, of course, glad to see them. What business has a preacher to be in any other state of mind. And every woman knows how perfectly delighted Mrs. Celebs must have been ; for she had just commenced housekeeping, and Mr. Get was a rich farmer, one of the solid men of the Double- town circuit. Celebs helped them unhitch their horses and put them in the stable ; taking his own horse out and tying him to the fence. One of the young Gets'es broke Celebs' pitchfork, trying to make a jumping- pole of it. After matters were arranged at the stable, Celebs hastened to the house and seated Mr. Get with his family and the two Newfoundlands, in the parson- age parlor. Mr. Get took off his hat with a pat- ronizing air, reminding you of a landlord who had called to dine with one of his tenants. Celebs took his basket, and hurried to the market places, and bought two extra pounds of butter and a large piece of meat, and came home and killed an extra chicken ; and his wife did extra duty in get- ting dinner for her guests ; and their stomachs did extra justice to the occasion. Celebs reserved his force to appear agreeable, and wasted none of it in useless words. And as Mr. Get was inclined to be loquacious, full range and EEV. ELIJAH CELEBS. OF UNIVERSITY of ILLINOIS CELEBS VISITED. 59 opportunity was given to his powers while at the table. " Brother Celebs, I thought I'd bring you over a few bushels of apples, and call and see you while we were in town." ' ' Thank you, Brother Get, we are happy to see you." ' ' I tried to sell them apples all over town, but nobody wanted 'em: and rather'n carry 'em back home, I 'lowed I mout as well bring 'em over and make you a present of 'em. I reckon preachers don't get much ; yet nearly all of 'em's askin for money every time they have a chance. It always spiles a meetin, to x me, to have 'em take up a col- lection. It looks too much like mixin' worldly and holy things together. The most of us is poor in our society ; and some of 'em's in debt for their farms, and have hard work to get along. I know its the case with myself, and I judges other people by myself. I'll thank you for more of that meat ; its elegant. How much have I ? Well, I've about fifteen hun- dred acres, and its the best prairie in the region, and forty acres of timber j'inin'. I bought another eighty last fall, and its not all paid for. If I was out of debt I'd try and do more for the church. But, my motto is, to be just before ye'r generous. My will's good, to do right smart, but seem like 60 THE Two CIRCUITS. I'm always in debt. I'm in debt some for my cat- tle too. How many cattle have I ? Well, I ha'nt more'n two hundred head this season. But, I tell ye, they'r as splendid a bunch o' steers as ever ye see. I got 'em right low. I wouldn't turn my hand over to no man in buying cattle right. If nothin hap- pens, I'll make a nice thing out of. them. I'll take another cup of that coffee, Sister Celebs ; I don't generally drink more'n three cups, but that's extra good. And then, since you mentioned my stock, I want you to stop, when you'r up our way, and look at my mules ; they'r mules, what is mules. Be sure and stop over, and I'll show you some hogs too, that's hard to beat, in this neck o'timber. They come from down east, and cost like Boston to get 'em here ; but they'r mor'n paid for themselves long 'go. But seem like I'm always in debt. And I've got to build a new barn in the spring. And I'm afeered the wheat, wont do well. Old Seabright knows all sich things, and he says, the fly's Jn it now ; and what the fly leaves will be half cheat. That's true, Brother Celebs, we ought to have a church built, up with us. But then we're nearly all in debt ; when we get a little beforehand we'll have to build. But, then, we've mighty good, re- ligious times at Ballinger's house ; and I'm afeered if we had a new church, we'd get proud and formal, CELEBS VISITED. 61 and lose the power. Some of 'em said I ought to have the preachin at my house, as it was bigger'n Ballinger's. But ye see, Brother Celebs, I've al- ways got work hands about that cares nothin' for meetin' ; and it makes so much work and bother for the wimmen folks and ther's always such a crowd stays for dinner ; and some of the sermons is so long that it keeps the work hands a waitin' and stops their work, and their pay goes on all the time, you know ; and they don't like to wait so long for dinner. And then, Ballinger, seems like, he wants the meetin' at his house, and I don't like to ask him to give it up. I would n't have any hard feelin's between me and Ballinger. Ballinger's poor, and has a tough time to get along. Seem like he can't calculate and get forehand. He goes to meetin' too much. Don't you think a man can be righteous over much? Well, Ballinger's one o' them. I believe he'd rather go to meetin' than buy a good steer. He'd rather pray than strike a trade. Then, Ballinger gives too much. He throws in some- thing nearly every time ther's a collection ; and he tries to coax his neighbors to throw in. Now, that's not me ; they don't get me into their collections nary time. Ther's a time for all things, and char- ity begins at home. The world thinks nothin' of ye if ye have nothin'. I let the world know that I can pay my way, and have something left. 62 THE Two CIRCUITS. Oh, yes, yes, that's true nearly everybody likes Ballinger. Even the worldians afe ready to swear he's all right and sure of heaven. But some of 'em, seem like they envy me, and persecute me. But I don't mind 'em much, for the book says, ' Blessed are they who are persecuted. ' They call me hard names, and say I'm stingy, because I provide for my own household. Everybody seems to try to cheat me ; but thank the Lord they can't do it, much ; they don't catch old Get a nappin'. Then, the preachers sometimes preach at me on money ; but I can always tell the difference a'tween that and the ginniwine gospel ; I let it go in one ear and out the other. Thank the Lord the gospel's free ; and when they preach a pay gospel, I call it no gospel at all. Ballinger and me's nearly always argyin' about givin'. I argy, that he gives too much, that he'll never be worth nuthin'. Oh, well, yes, I know he's got a hundred and sixty acres, and its paid for, and he's out o' debt, and wasn't worth a continental red when he came here, and he's right smart o' stock for a hundred and sixty acres. He says, it does him as much good to give, as it does me to make money ; but I don't see how it can. It's not so with me, by a long ways. But he always seems in good speerits, and everybody's glad to see him ; and everybody haint glad to see me. Ye see, I come it sharp over them in a trade sometimes ; and it seems like, they'r CELEBS VISITED. 63 fornenst me after that. But they'r bound to look up to me ; for I've got more'n any of 'em ; except one or two of my neighbors ; and they never trade with me, or it would n't be so with them long. They never want to buy any thing I want to sell, and they never want to sell me any thing I want to buy. No, I guess not Brother Celebs. I believe I don't want to subscribe for the ' Advercate. ' I tuck the thing last year, and seem like I had hard work to read it ; and the children haint much learnin' ; and when a body works hard all day, they'r tired enough to sleep at dark. And when yer readin' ye have to burn two candles, one to run about with, and the other to read by ; and then two dollars is'nt picked up every day, to pay for it. We don't read what books we've got; and what's the use o' buy- in' more readin' when ye'r more'n ye use now. Where did you say, Brother Tagus went this year? Well, they ought to put Tagus on a hard circuit. When he rode here, I told him one day, that he might have twenty bushel o' corn, if he'd come and pick it, and haul it away hisself, for I had more'n I could gather. And don't you think, he didn't want to pay me full price for that corn, in the way of quarterage. Tagus isn't fit for a preacher ; he's always lookin' after the dollar. He cheated me in a hoss swap. I wasn't thinkin' of such a thing in a preacher, or I'd a been up to him. I'm 64 THE Two CIRCUITS. more'n ever convicted of the great evil of preachers swappin' hosses. He made twenty dollars in that trade. No, he didn't do any thing dishonest, ex- actly ; but he got up on my blind side, as the sayin' is, and I might just as well made that twenty dol- lars as him. No, sir, I guess I won't do nothin' for missions this year. I paid enough last year to do me some time. I reckon I must o' paid pretty nigh seven dollars last year, if not twenty. If every body would do as well as me, missionaries would live high. Ye see, Tagus kept beggin' me for mission- ary money every time he was at my house. And last April I had a sick, yearlin' calf, I thought was goin' to die. And Tagus was there braggin' on every thing I had, and was a feelin' mighty sorry for my sick calf. I told him its chances for life wasn't worth a quarter of a dollar, and just then he asked me to give that calf to the missionary cause. Well, I never did believe in givin' to convert heath- ens away off, when there was so many to convert at home. My rule is, charity begins at home. But then, I liked Tagus right well, he was good company, and a mighty fine judge o' stock ; and he got me to promise to let him have the calf for mis- sions. Well, I didn't care much, for I didn't think that would be givin any thing ; and wouln n't break my charity rule ; so I told him he might have the lousy thing. But would you believe it, that calf CELEBS VISITED. 65 was on its legs in less than three days after that. It picked up tremjous, like. And Tagus called to see it, as if it was a sick child ; and seemed to think as much of it, as if it was one of the family. And he doctored it, and petted it, and called it Durbin. I thought for a while he meant Durham ; but he said he called it after Dr. Durbin, a great mission- ary man. When he came to take it away, as he was leaving the circuit, it was the finest calf of its age on the farm. I wanted him to pay a dollar or two for its keepin' ; I thought that was no more'n justice ; but he laughed at me. I tried to hold him to it ; but he told me so many anecdotes, and kept in such a good humor, that I had to let it go. But I hated it mightily, for it was the makin' of an ele- gant steer. I could a made the thing brought me twenty dollars; and cost me, in a manner, nothin'." While this interesting conversation was going on at the table, the two Newfoundland pups had de- cided to break their fast, and to that intent, explor- ed the back yard and garden. They upset a jar of cream, ready for churning, in the milk-house ; suck- ed and smashed two dozen eggs ; and greased their throats with a pound of butter. After this repast, they appeared to have gone to the clothes line, and pulled down two shirts and a table cloth, and tore them into napkins, for the wiping of their teeth and paws ; and when discovered they were gratify- ing their curiosity, by chewing and tangling Celebs' 66 THE Two CIRCUITS. new harness, which had been hanging on the fence. Mr. Get, after a few regretful expressions, was de- lighted with the sagacity thus displayed, and al- though it might be an annoyance to Celebs, he con- cluded it would be the making of the pups. These things, with the happiness he enjoyed in expressing his opinions so freely to Celebs, and the further felicity of bestowing three bushels of apples, prepared Mr. Get to go home in a high state of good humor and self-satisfaction. Ax WIDOW MAGULTV'S. 67 CHAPTER VII. AT WIDOW MAGULTY'S. After concluding the services and enjoying din- ner at Ballinger's cabin, Philip started for his next appointment, which was to be the following day, at eleven o'clock, seven miles away, at the house of Mrs. Magulty. He reached there at five p. m., and found them all ready to receive the preacher. But they' had expected to greet Mr. Celebs, and manifested a slight displeasure at the disappoint- ment. Mrs. Magulty was a quiet, plain, good-natured widow lady, of fifty-five years ; and the balance of her family consisted of two grown daughters, and one son, who, though not entirely grown, felt himself as fully and perfectly developed as almost any person in the country. His mother considered him a very superior youth. He had an inquiring mind, and quite limited cultivation, but was exceedingly communicative and desirous of displaying his wit. He met Philip at the gate. "Does Mrs. Magulty live here?' "Yes, siree. " "My name is Force; Mr. Celebs desired me to fill his appointment here to-morrow.*' 68 THE Two CIRCUITS "Why didn't Celebs come himself? I s'pose you're the young preacher, haint ye ? I heard his name was Force. If you're him, jist git off o' that bay filly o' yourn and I'll put her up, and you go in the house." Philip dismounted, and Zeph. took hold of the bridle, and pulled off the saddle-bags, and re- marked : "Mebby you'd just as soon carry these in your- self? Can that mar' o' yourn run much? Guess her legs is most too short. Jist walk in, and tell the folks who you are, and make yourself at home. Mother and the girls is got all the piety there is at this house. Go in, Mr. Force." He rapped at the door, which was opened by one of the girls. Mrs. Magulty sat by the fire knitting, and as Philip came in she arose with a smile to receive him, and slightly started back, as she said : "Why, this is not Brother Celebs." " No, madam, my name is Force." ' ' Oh, the young preacher, is it ? I am glad to see you. Brother Force ; take the rocking-chair. Jane, take his saddle-bags and put them in the closet. Did Zephaniah put up your horse?" ' ' A young man took my horse at the gate, and said he would put it in the stable." " That's my son Zephaniah;" and the old lady resumed her seat and the knitting, and went on: AT WIDOW MAGULTY'S. 69 "Brother Squillip has been here for an hour to get you to go over to his school house to preach to- night. He's just gone to one of the neighbors, and will be back in a few minutes. He thought Brother Celebs was coming ; but I guess you'll suit him. He knew Brother Celebs, for he preached on a circuit where he lived a few years ago. There's no regular preaching at But there comes Brother Squillip now. Walk in, Brother Squillip ; that's Brother Force, our young preacher." "How-de-do, Brother Force; why didn't Ce- lebs come ? I'll give him tribulation when I see him. I've been calculating for two weeks for him to preach in our school house to-night. I know'd he'd go, for him and me's great friends. We used to hunt deer and chase wolves together, when he traveled our circuit. I tell ye, Celebs can preach ; he's got religion, sense and power all in him." Philip felt somewhat discomfited, but desiring it should not be noticed, he said : ' ' Brother Celebs is commencing housekeeping for the first time, and arranged for me to fill his appointments this week." "That's the way; when preachers get married they have to take the time that belongs to the cir- cuit to look after their wives, and get somebody else to fill their appointments. But I'll bet Celebs '11 make it go right when he gets his wife settled wunst. Who did he marry? Is she a young flirt 7